S8u^\| s(_2< lYjffi i;=g) ^Aavaain* .A\\[iN'iv[:vy \\\[ UNiV[h,f/A 1 3 g 1 * S ,-U* QC u^ is * S = i I I I i s llJffllJUffl i^ \\El ! NIVER% I , R E A L LIFE IN LONDON; OU, THE RAMBLES AND ADVENTURES OP BOB TALLYHO, ESQ. AND HIS COUSIN, THE HON. TOM DASHALL, THROUGH THE METROPOLIS; EXHIBITING A LIVING PICTURE OF FASHIONABLE CHARACTERS, MANNERS, ASD AMUSEMENTS HIGH AND'LOW LIFE, BY AN AMATEUR. EMBELLISHED AND ILLUSTRATED &2itttf) a *rrif0 of (folourru Urint0? DESIGNED AND ENGRAVED BY MESSRS HEATH, ALKEN, DIOHTON, ROWLANDSON, ETC. Tin pleasant through the loop-holes of retreat To juiop at such .1 world ; to see the stir Of the great Babel, and not feel the crowd." COWI-LI;. VOLUME I. LONDON: PUBLISHED BY T. JOHXSOX & Co. 5017457 CONTENTS, CHAP. I. pp. 3 10. SEDUCTION from rural simplicity, page 4. Pleasures of the table, 6. Overpowering oratory, 7. Preparations for start- ing, S. A warm dispute, 9. Amicable arrangement, 10. CHAP. II. pp. 1123. Philosophical reflections, 11. Course of studies commenced, 12. A Great master, 13. Travelling conversation, 14. Modern jehuism, 15. A coach race, 16. A wood nymph, 17. Import- ant discoveries, 18. Improvements of .the age, 19. Provincial theatricals, 20. An amateur of fashion, 21." Theatrical criti- cism, 22. Reflections, 23. * CUAP. III. pp. 2436. Hyde Park, and its various characters, 24. Sir F B , 31. " v Delightful reverie, 36. CHAP. IV. pp. 37 54. Fresh game sprung, 37. Lord C e, alias Coal-hole George, 3S. Rot at Carlton House, 44. Once a week or Sunday-man, 4i. A generous sentiment,47. How to raise the wind by a puff,48. A fraudulent escape, 49. Lord Cripplegate and his Cupid, 50. Sporting the browns A floorer, 51. Live fish, or a plot dis- covered, 52. Delicacy, 53. A breathless visitor, 54. CHAP. V. pp. 55 71. A fashionable introduction, 55. A parley and a palpable hit, 56. A sparkling subject, 57. The true spur to genius, 58. How to eat a horse and chaise, 59. An agreeable surprize, 60. A serious subject, 61. London the school for knowledge, 62. A pleasant fellow, 63. Lively gossip, 64. Living in style The Duchess, 65. The Duke, 66. The Peerling, 67- The Haberdasher, 8. The Mercer's wife, 69. Modern breeding, 70. h IV CONTENTS. CHAP. VI. pp. 72100. Early morning amusements, 7*2. Advantages of early rising, 73. Frightening to death no murder, 74. All right again, 75. Improvements of the age, 76- Preparing for a swell, 77. l>arber-Ross-a, 78. The ucme of barberism and puffing, 70. A fine specimen of the art, 80. Duels wrought by Cupid and Apollo, 81. Dreadful work, 82. Fashionable news, 83. Low niggard / logons, 85. Scenes from Barber-Ros j-a, 86 A snip of the superfine, 91. Drury Lane in a blaze The en- raged Manager, 93. Bow Street bewildered, 94. Cutting out and cutting up, 95. The whipstitch mercury, 96. Advantages of rapid movements, 97. All in the wrong again, 98. A Venus de Medicis, 99. Delicacy alarmed, 10O. CHAP. VII. pp. 101134. Preparing for a ramble, 101. Costume of town and country, 1O2. A man of the town, 103. Bonfl Street, 104. A hanger- on, 1 07. A man of science, 109. A shocking disaster, 110. Dandy- ism, 111. Dandy heroism, 113. Inebriety reproved, 115. My uncle's card, 116. St. James's Palace, 1J7- Pall Mall and Waterloo Place, 121. New Streets Carl ton Palace, &c. 122. An Irish Paddy, 123. Tipping the blarney, 124. Incorrigible prigs, 125. A hue and cry, 126. A capture, 127. More of the blarney, 128. A wake with an Irish howl, 129. Life be- low stairs, 130. Vocabulary of the new school, 132. Addi- tional company, 133. Further elucidation, 134. CHAP. VIII. pp. 135 154. Public Office, Bow Street, 135. Irish generosity, 137. A bit of gig, 138. A lark and "a turn up," 139. Female heroism, 141. A row with the Charley's, 142. Judicial sagacity, 143. Watch- house scenes,145. Ahopandarummish piece of business, 146. The Brown Bear well baited, 148. Somerset House, 149. Street walking, 152. An importunate customer, 153. Pere- grinations proposed, 154. CHAP. IX. (bymistake numbered XI.) pp. 155 197. The Bonassus, 155. A Knight of the New Order, 156. Medi- cal quackery, 157. Medical (not Tailors') Boards, 161. " Gallantee show" Turn'd Doctor O ! 162. Superlative modesty, 163. Hard puffing and blowing, 164. Medical Assurance Office, 165. Knightly medicals, 166. Buffers and Duffers, 167. Extremes of fortune, 169. Signs of the Times, 170. Dreadfiil rencontre, 171. Expensive spre*. V 1 CONTENTS. V The young Cit of the New School, 174. Street-walking inci- dents, 176'. All in confusion, 177. Losses and crosses, 178. Flat-catching, 179. Rum customers, 180. Agenteelhop,181, Max and music, 182. Unavoidable reeling, 184. Amateurs and actors, 185. A well-known character, 186. Champion- ship, 1 ^; . The Tailor to Brentford at Asuej o superseded by Mr. Dymocke, 189. A grand spectacle, 19O. Adultera- tions, 191. More important discoveries, 192. Wonders of cast iron and steam, 193. Linen-drapers, 194. Shops of the new school, 195. Blunders will happen, 196. Irish paper- h: aging, 197- CHAP. X. (by mistake numbered XII.) pp.196 /!&. Heterogeneous mass, 198. Attractions of the theatre, 199. Ne*v theatrical lamps, 200. Tragedy talk, 201. Godlike recrea- tions, 2O2. Authors and actors, 203. Chancery injunctions. 2O4. Glo'ster versus Real Glo'ster, 2O5. Olympic music, iii/e . Meeting logic, 207. Dandy larks and sprees, 208. The Theatre, 2O9. Drury and its splendid establishments, 21O. A cure for love, 211. Nymphs of the saloon, 212. Looking out for a new customer, 213. The torments of love, and gout, 214. Prostitution, 215. A shameful business, 217. (are banished, 218. Convenient refreshment, 219. A ruffian of fashion, 220. A lushy cove, 221. A tilbury clubist, 222- The sleeper awake, 223. All on fire, 224. A short parley,225. CHAP. XIII. pp. 226243. Fire, confusion and alarm, 226. Overflowing houses, 227. Snuffy tabbies and boosey kids, 228. A cooler for hot dis- putes, 229. Heats and colds, 230. An overturned Charley, 231 . An infallible recipe, 232. Resurrection rigs, 233. Stu- dies from life, 236. An agreeable situation, 237. A nocturna, visit to a maiden lady, 239. Sharp's the word, 240. Frolic- some fellows, 241. Retirement, 243. CHAP. XIV. pp. 244267. Tattersall's, 244. Friendly dealings, 216. Scruples of con- science, 247. Laudable company, 248. The Sportsman's exchange. 249. A good chop, 250. An unlimited order, 251. How to ease heavy pockets, 252. Fashionable society, 253. Body-snatchers and Bum-traps, 254- The Sharps and the Flats, 255. Dining in high company, 256. A Money- lender, 257. A secret expedition, 258. A pleasant ren- contre, 259. Accommodating friends, 260. An unconscion- able dog, 261. The female banker, 262. A buck of the first cut, 263. Locks and keys, 264. A highly finished youth, 265. An agreeable meeting, 266. An addition to the party, 267. VI CONTENTS. CHAP. XV. (by mistake numbered XII.) pp. 268 281 A promenade, 268. Interesting conversations, 269. Something he matter, 270. Quizzical hints, 271. London friendship, -272. Fashionable division of Time, 273. Fashion versus Reason, 274. Dinners of the Ton, 275. Comforts of the table, 276. Brilliant mob of a ball-room, 277- Round of fashionable delights, 278. What can the matter be, 279. Something A-Miss, 280. What we must all come to, 281. CHAP. XVI. (by mistake numbered XIII.) pp. 282320. The centre of attraction, 282. Tea-table chit-chat, 283. The circulating library, 284. Palpable hits, 285. Library wits, 286. Fitting on the cap, 287. Edged-tools, 288. Breaking up, 289. Gaming, 290. Hells Greeks Black -legs, 291 . Modern Hells, Greeks, &c. 292. How to become a Greek, 293. Pi- geoning, 294. Valuable instructions, 295. Down as a ham- mer, 296. A gambling-house a la Franchise, 297. Visitors cards, 298. Necessary precautions, 299. Opening scene, 30O List of Nocturnal Hells, 301. Rouge et Noir Tables, 303. Noon-day Hells, 3O4. Sure road to ruin, 305. Hell broke up, and the devil to pay, 3O6. Noble Greeks and Pigeons, 3'~)3. A story, 309. The wanderer reclaimed, 313. Swindling Jews, 314. Mercantile frauds, 315. Ups and downs, 316. High fellows, 317. Noble speculations, 318. Mingled com- pany, 319. Severe studies, 32O. Cn.\r. XVII. pp. 321 352. Newspaper recreations, 321. Value and importance of News- papers, 322. Power of imagination, 324. Rich bill of fare, 325. Admirable combinations, 326. Proposed Review of the Arts, 327. Wags and wagtails, 328. Demireps and Cyprians, 329. Dashing characters, 330. Connubial felicity, 331. Fe- male accommodations, 332. Rump and dozen, 333. Dinner gports and recreations, 334. Maggot race for a hundred, 335. Extrr.se to assist digestion, 336. Innocent diversions, 337. Female jockeyship, 338. Fashionable pursuits, 339. Delicate <-,'-i?ecimen of his aptitude to become a learner of London manners. It must be confessed, it was rather an awkward commencement ; however, in a few minutes, re- covering himself from the fright, he crawled gently down the stairs, and took a survey of the devasta- tion he had made cursed the lamp, d d the portmanteau then snatching it from the ruin before him, and again placing his luggage on his shoulder, he quietly walked up stairs to his bed- room. It is much to be lamented in this wonderful age *f discovery and continual improvement, that our 76 IMPROVEMENTS OF THE AGE. philosophers have not yet found out a mode of supplying the place of glass (as almost every thing else) with cast-iron. The substitution of gas for oil has long been talked of, as one of national im- portance, even so much so, that one man, whose ideas were as brilliant as his own experiments, has endeavoured to shew that its produce would in a short time pay off the national debt !* " A consummation devoutly to be wished ; " and experience has taught the world at large there is nothing impossible, nor is there any one in existence more credulous than honest John Bull. But we are digressing from the adventure of the lamp, however it was occasioned, by clearly proving it was not a patent safety-lamp : and that among the luxuries of the Hon. TOM DASHALL'S habita- tion, gas had not yet been introduced, will spedily be discovered. Upon arriving in his bed-room, wondering within himself how he should repair the blundering mis- take, of whicft he had so unluckily been the unwil- ling and unconscious author, he found himself in a new dilemma, as the receptacle of the oil had fallen with the lamp, and plentifully bedewed the portmanteau with its contents, so that he had now transferred the savoury fluid to his coat, waistcoat, cravat, and shirt. What was to be done in such a case ? He could not make his appearance in that * Mr. Winsor, the original lecturer on the powers of gas, in ia!i Mall PREPAIUXU FOR AS LL. /7 state; but his mortifications were not yet at an end " Hills over hills, and Alps on Alps arise." The key of his portmanteau was missing ; he rum- maged all his pockets in vain he turned them inside out it was not here it was not there; enraged at the multiplicity of disappointments to which he was subjected, he cut open the leathern carriage of his wardrobe with a penknife; un- dressed, and re-dressed himself; by which time it was half-past eight o'clock. His Cousin TOM, who had hurried down according to promise, had in the mean time been making enquiry after him, and now entered the room, singing, " And all with attention would eagerly mark : When he cheer'd up the pack Hark ! to Rockwood hark ! hark ! " At the sight of DASH ALL, he recovered himself from his embarrassment, and descended with him to the breakfast-parlour " Did you send to Robinson's ?" enquired TOM of one of the servants, as they entered the room. " Yes, Sir," was the reply ; " and Weston's too ?" continued he ; being answered in the affirmative, " then let us have breakfast directly." Then turn- ing to BOB, " Sparkle," said he, promised to be with us about eleven, for the purpose of taking a stroll ; in the mean time we must dress and make ready."" Dress," said BOB, " Egad ! I have dres- sed and made ready twice already this morning.**. 78 BARBER-ROSS A He then recounted the adventures above recorded ; at which DAS HALL repeatedly burst into fits of immoderate laughter. Breakfast being over, a person from Mr. Robinson's was announced, and ushered into the room. A more prepossessing appearance had scarcely met Bob's eye a tall, elegant young man, dressed in black, cut in the extreme of fashion, whose fea- tures bespoke intelligence, and whose air and manner were indicative of a something which to him was quite new. He arose upon his entrance, and made a formal bow ; which was returned by the youth. " Good morning, gentlemen." " Good morning, Mr. R. ," said TOM, mentioning a name celebrated by Pope in the following lines : " But all my praises, why should lords engross ? Rise, honest Muse, and sing the man of Ross." " I am happy to have the honour of seeing you in town again, Sir ! The fashionables are mustering very strong, and the prospect of the approaching coronation appears to be very attractive." During this time he was occupied in opening a leathern case, which contained combs, brushes, &c. ; then taking off his coat, he appeared in a jacket with an apron, which, like a fashionable pinafore of the present day, nearly concealed his person, from his chin to his toes. " Yes," replied DASHALL, " the coronation is a subject of deep importance just now in the circles of fashion," seating himself in his chair, in readi- THE ACME OF BAKU Kill SM AND PUFFING. 79 ness for the operator,* who, BOB now discovered, was no other than the Peruquier. * The progress of taste and refinement is visible in all situa- tions, and the language of puffing has become so well understood by all ranks of society, that it is made use of by the most humble and obscure tradesmen of the metropolis. One remarkable in- stance ought not to be omitted here. In a narrow dirty street, leading from the Temple towards Blackfriars, over a small trian- gular-fronted shop, scarcely big enough to hold three persons at a time, the eye of the passing traveller is greeted with the following welcome information, painted in large and legible characters, the letters being each nearly a foot in size : HAIR CUT AND MODERNIZED ! ! ! This is the true " Multum % parvo" a combinatian of the " Utile et duke," the very acme of perfection. Surely, after this, to Robinson, Vickery, Ross, and Cryer, we may say " Ye lesser ttart, hide your diminished licads" The art of puffing may be further illustrated by the following specimen of the Sublime, which is inserted here for the information of such persons as, residing in the country, have had no opportu- nity of seeing the original. " R makes gentlemen's and ladies' perukes on an entire new system ; which for lightness, taste, and ease, are superior to any other in Europe. He has exerted the genius and abilities of the first artists to complete his exhibition of ornamental hair, in all its luxuriant varieties, where the elegance of nature and convenience of art are so blended, as at once to rival and ame- liorate each other. Here his fair patrons may uninterruptedly examine the effects cf artificial tresses, or toupees of all complex- ions, and, in a trial on themselves, blend the different tints with their own ! " The strife for pre-eminence in this art is not however con- fined to this country ; for we find an instance recorded in an 80 A FJNE SPECIMEN OF THE ART. " And pray,** continued TOM, " what is th new in the haut ton ? Has there been any thing oi importance to attract attention since my absence ? American newspaper, which may perhaps be equally amusing and acceptable ; " A. C. D. LAVICNE, having heard of the envious expressions uttered by certain common barbers, miserable chin-scrapers, and frizulary quacks, tending to depreciate that superiority which genius is entitled to, and talents will invariably command, hereby puts them and their vulgar arts at defiance ; and, scorning to hold parley with such sneaking imps, proposes to any gentleman to defend and maintain, at his shop, the head quarters ef fashion, No. 6, South Gay Street, again^all persons whomsoever, his title to supremacy in curlery, wi($ry, and razory, to the amount of one hundred dollars and upwards. As hostile as he is to that low style of puffery adopted by a certain adventurer, 'yclept Higgins, LAVIGNE cannot avoid declaring, in the face of the world, that his education has been scientifical , that after having finished his studies at Paris, he took the tour of the universe, having had the rare fortune of regulating the heads of Catherine the Second, and the Grand Turk ; the King of Prussia, and the Emperor, of China; the Mamelukes of Egypt, and the Dey of Algiers ; together with all the ladies of their respective Courts. He has visited the Cape of Good Hope, India, Java, Madagascar, Tartary, and Kamschatka, whence he reached the United States by the way of Cape Horn. In England he had previously tar- ried, where he delivered Lectures on Heads in great style. He has at last settled in Baltimore, determined to devote the re- mainder of his days to the high profession to which his destiny has called him ; inviting all the literati, the lovers of the arts and sciences, to visit him at his laboratory of beauty, where he has separate rooms for accommodating ladies and gentlemen, who desire to adorn their heads with /wnVudition." Can France, England- nay, the world itself, produce such another specimen of vvffing and barberism ? DUELS WROUGHT BY CUPID AND APOLI.O. 81 " Nothing very particular," was the reply-" all very dull and flat. Rumour however, as usual, has not been inactive ; two or three trifling faux pas. and oh ! yestwo duels one in the literary world : two authors, who, after attacking each other with the quill, chose to decide their quarrel with the pistol, and poor Scot lost his life ! But how should authors understand such things ? The other has made a great noise in the world You like the Corinthian cut, I believe, Sir?" " I believe so too," said TOM " but don't you cut the duel so short who were the parties ? " " Oh! aye, why one, Sir, was a celebrated leader of ton, no other than Lord Shamp6tre, and the other Mr. Webb, a gentleman well known : it was a sort of family affair. His lordship's gallantry and courage, however, were put to the test, and the result bids fair to increase his popularity. The cause was nothing very extraordinary, but the effect had nearly proved fatal to his Lordship." " What, was he wounded ?" enquired TOM. " It was thought so at first," replied the Peru- quier, " but it was afterwards discovered that his Lordship had only fainted at the report of his toponent's pistol.'* " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " said TOM, " then it was a blood- ess battle but I should like to know more of the particulars." * Hold your head a little more this way, Sir,' if you pleasethat will do, I thank you, Sir ; why it appears, that in attempting to fulfil an assig- L 82 DREADFUL WORK ! nation with Mr. Webb's wife, the husband, who had got scent of the appointment, as to place and time, lustily cudgelled the dandy Lord Whiskerphiz, and rescued his own brows from -certain other fashionable appendages, for which be had no relish. His Lordship's whiskers were Injured, by which circumstance some people might conceive his features and appearance must have been improved, however that was not his opinion ; his bones were sore, and his mind (that is to say, as the public supposed) hurt. The subject became a general theme of conversation, a Commoner had thrashed a Lord ! flesh and blood could not bear it but then such flesh and blood could as little bear the thought of a duel Lord Polly was made the bearer of ? challenge a meeting took place, and at the first fire his Lordship fell. A fine sub- ject for the caricaturists, and they have not failed to make a good use of it. The fire of his Lordship's features was so completely obscured by his whis- kers and mustachios, that it was immediately con- cluded the shot had proved mortal, till Lord Polly (who had taken refuge for safety behind a neigh- bouring tree) advancing, drew a bottle from his pocket, which, upon application to his nose, had the desired effect of restoring the half-dead duellist to life and light. The Seconds interfered, and suc- ceeded in bringing the matter to a conclusion, and preventing the expected dissolution of Shampetre, who, report says, has determined not to place himself in such a perilous situation again. The FASHIONABLE NEWS CONTINUED. 83 fright caused him a severe illness, from which he has scarcely yet recovered sufficiently to appear in public I believe that will do, Sir; will you look in the glass can I make any alteration ? " " Perhaps not in your story," replied TOM ; " and as to my head, so as you do not make it like the one you have been speaking of, I rely solely on your taste and judgment." The Peruquier made his bow " Sir, your polite- ness is well known!" then turning to TALLYHO, " Will you allow me the honour of officiating for you, Sir ? " " Certainly," replied BOB, who by this time had seen the alteration made in his Cousin's ap- pearance, as well as been delighted with the account of the duel, at which they all laughed during the narration and immediately prepared for action, while DASH ALL continued his enquiries as to the fashionable occurrences during his absence. " There have been some other circumstances, of minor importance," continued the Peruquier " it is said that a certain Lord, of high military character, has lost considerable sums of money, and seriously impaired his fortune Lord and a friend are completely ruined at hazard there was a most excellent mill at Moulsey Hurst on Thursday last, between the Gas-light man, who appears to be a game chicken, and a prime ham- mererhe can give and take with any man and Oliver Gas beat him hollow, it was all Lombard- 84 FASHIONABLE NEWS CONTINUED. street to a china orange. The Masked Festival on the 18th is a subject of considerable attraction, and wigs of every nature, style, and fashion, are ji high request for the occasion The Bob, the Tye, the Natural Scratch, the Full Bottom, the Queue, the Curl, the Clerical, the Narcissus, the Auricula, the Capital, the Corinthian, the Roman, the Spanish, the French, the Dutch oh ! we are full of business just now. Speaking of the art, by the by, reminds me of a circumstance which occurred a very short time back, and which shows such a striking contrast between the low-bred citizens, and the True Slues of the "West! I^e the kindness to hold your head a little on one side, Sir, if you please a little more towards the light, if you please that will do excellently why you'll look quite another thing ! From the coun- try, I presume ? " " You are right," said BOB, " but I don't want a wig just yet." " Shall be happy to fit you upon all occasions- masquerade, ball, or supper, Sir : you may per- haps wish to go out. as we say in the West, in cog. happy to receive your commands at any time, prompt attention and dispatch." " Zounds ! you are clipping the wig too close," said TOM, impatient to hear the story, " and if you go on at this rate, you won't leave us even the tail (tale)," " Right, Sir, I take * and thereby hangs a tale. The observation is in point, verbiim sat, as th LOW NIGGARDLY NOTIONS. 85 latinist would say. Well, Sir, as I was saying, a citizen, with a design to outdo his neighbours, called at one of the first shops in London a very short time since, and gave particular orders to have his pericranium fitted with a wig of the true royal cut. The dimensions of his upper story were taken the order executed to the very letter of the instructions it fitted like wax it was nature nay it soared beyond nature it was the perfec- tion of art the very acme of science ! Conception was outdone, and there is no power in language to describe it. He was delighted ; his wife was charmed with the idea of a new husband, and he with his new wig ; but " Now comes the pleasant joke of all, 'Tis when too close attack'd we fall." The account was produced would you believe it, he refused to have ithe objected to the price." " The devil take it ! " said TOM, " object to pay for the acme of perfection ; this unnaturally natu- ral wig would have fetched any money among the collectors of curiosities." " What was the price ? " enquired BOB, " Trifling, Sir, very trifling, to an artist ' of the first water,' as a jeweller would say by his dia- mondsonly thirty guineas ! ! ! " " Thirty guineas ! " exclaimed BOB, starting from his seat, and almost overturning the modernizer of his head. Then, recollecting Sparkle's account of Living in Style, and Good Breeding, falling gently into his scat again. 8t) SCEWES FROM BARBER-ROS8-A. " Did I hurt you, Sir ? " exclaimed the Peruquier. DASHALL bit his lip, and smiled at the surprise of his Cousin, which was now so visibly depicted in his countenance. " Not at all," replied TALLYHO. " In two minutes more, Sir, your head will be a grace to Bond Street or St. James's ; it cuts well, and looks well ; and if you will allow me to attend you once a month, it will continue so." TOM hummed a tune, and looked out of the window ; the other two were silent till BOB was released. TOM tip'd the blunt, and the interesting young man made his conge, and departed. " A very interesting and amusing sort of per- son," said BOB. " Yes," replied TOM, " he is a walking volume of information : he knows something of every thing, and almost of every body. He has been in better circumstances, and seen a great deal of life ; his history is somewhat remarkable, and some par- ticulars, not generally known, have excited a con- siderable portion of interest in his fate among those who are acquainted with them. He is the son, before marriage, of a respectable and worthy tradesman, a celebrated vender of bear's grease,* * The infallibility of this specimen cannot possibly be doubted, after reading the following ADVERTISEMENT : " Bear's grease has virtues, many, great and rare; To hair decay'd, life, health, and vigour giving 'Tis sold, by , fam'd for cutting hair, At living. SCENES FROM BARBER-ROSS-A. 87 lately deceased, who resided in the vicinity of Cornhill, and was for many years brought up under his roof as his nephew; in which situation, the elegance of his person, the vivacity of his dis- position, and the general information he acquired, became subjects of attraction. His education was respectable for his situation, and his allowance liberal. His father however marrying a young lady of some property, and he, ' gay, light, and airy,' falling into bad hands, found his finances not sufficient to support the company he kept, and by these means involved himself in pecuniary diffi- culties, which, however, (if report say true) were more than once or twice averted by the indulgent parent. In the course of time, the family was increased by two sons, but he continued the flower of the flock. At length it was inten4ed by his father to retire, in part, from business, and leave its management to this young man, and another Who then would lose a head of hair for trying ? A thousand tongues are heard ' I won't,' replying ; T r no doubt with bear's grease can supply A thousand more, when they're dispos'd to buy. No deception ! Seven Bears publicly exhibited in seven months, and not an agent on the globe's surface. Sold upon oath, from 1*. to 10*. 6rf. The smallest child will direct to , near the church a real Bear over the door, where a good peruke is charged If. 10*. equal to those produced by Mr. T., at II ss'a, for 27. 12*. 6d. Scalp 10*. Crf. and 6rf. only for hair-cutting never refusing one shilling N. B. Beu's-grease effects wonders for the kncca 8tc. of horses " 88 SCENES FROM BAUBEIt-KOSS-A. who had been many years in his service, and whose successful endeavours in promoting his interest were well deserving his consideration ; and the writings for this purpose were actually drawn up. Previous however to their execution, he was dis- patched to Edinburgh, to superintend an extensive concern of his father's in that city, where, meeting with an amiable young lady with some expecta- tions, he married without the consent of his parent, a circumstance which drew down upon him the good man's displeasure. " Not at all dismayed at this, he almost imme- diately left his father's shop, and set up business for himself in the same neighbourhood, where he continued for two or three years, living, as it was supposed, upon the produce of his matrimonial connexion. At length, however, it was discovered that he was insolvent, and bankruptcy became the consequence. Here he remained till affairs were arranged, and then returned to London with his wife and two children. *' In the mean time, the legitimate family of his father ha4 become useful in the business, and acquainted with his former indiscretions, which, consequently, were not likely to be obliterated from the old gentleman's recollection. Without money and without prospect, he arrived in London, where, for some unliquidated debt, he was arrested and became a resident in the King's Bench, from which he was liberated by the Insolvent Debtor's Act. Emancipated from this, he took small shops SCENES FROM BARBER-ROSS-A. 89 or rather rooms, in various parts of the city, vainly endeavouring to support the character he had for- merly maintained. These however proved abortive. Appeals to his father were found fruitless, and he has consequently, after a series of vicissitudes, been compelled to act as a journeyman. In the career of his youth, he distinguished him- self as a dashing, high-spirited fellow. He was selected as fuegel man to a regiment of Volun- teers, and made himself conspicuous at the cele- brated O. P. row, at the opening of Covent Garden Theatre, on which occasion he attracted the notice of the Caricaturists,* and was generally known in the circles of High Life, by his attendance on the first families on behalf of his father. But perhaps the most remarkable circumstance took place at his deceased parent's funeral. Being so reduced at that time as to have no power even of providing the necessary apparel to manifest the respect, gratitude, and affection, he had ever enter- tained for the author of his being ; and as a natural son has no legal claims upon his father, so natu- rally nothing was left for him ; he applied by letter to the legitimates for a suit of mourning, * A caricature of a similar nature to the one alluded to by DASHALL in this description, was certainly exhibited at the time of the memorable O. P. row, which exhibited a young man of genteel appearance in the pit of Covent Garden Theatre, addressing the audience. It had inscribed at the bottom of it, Is THIS BARBEK-KOSS-A ; rn allusion (no doubt) to the tragedy of Barbarossa. II 90 SCENES FROM BARBER-ROSS-A, and permission to attend the remains of theii- com raon father to the last receptacle of mortality, which being peremptorily refused, he raised a subscription, obtained clothing, with a gown and hatband, and, as the melancholy procession was moving to the parish church, which was but a few yards distance, he rushed from his hiding-place, stationed himself immediately in the front of the other attendants upon the occasion, and actually accompanied the corpse as chief mourner, having previously concerted with his, own mother to be upon the spot. When the body was deposited in the vault, he took her by the hand, led her down the steps, and gave some directions to the bearers as to the situation of the coffin, while the other mourners, panic-struck at the extraordinary cir- cumstances in which they found themselves, turned about and walked in mournful silence back, rumi- nating on the past with amazement, and full of conjecture for the future. " It was an extraordinary situation for all parties/' said BOB ; " but hold, who have we here ? Egad ! there is an elegant carriage drawn up to the door ; some Lord, or Nobleman, I'll be bound for it We can't be seen in this deshabille, I shall make my escape." And saying this, he was hastening out of the room. " Ha! ha! ha!" exclaimed TOM, " you need not be so speedy in your flight. This is one of the fashionable requisites of London, with whom you must also become acquainted ; there is no such k A SNIP OF THE SUPERFINE. 91 thing as doing without them dress and address are indispensables. This is no other than one of the decorators." " Decorators !" continued BOB, not exactly comprehending him. " Monsieur le TailleurTis Mr. W , from Cork Street, come to exhibit his Spring patterns, and turn us out with the new cut so pray remain where you are." " Tailor decorator," said BOB" Egad ! the idea is almost as riduculous as the representation of the taylor riding to Brentford." By this time the door was opened, and Mr. W. entered, making his bow with the precision of a dancing-master, and was followed by a servant with pattern-books, the other apparatus of his trade. The first salutations, over, large pattern-books were displayed upon the table, exhibiting to view a variety of fancy-coloured cloths, and measures taken accordingly. During which time, TOM, as on the former occasion, continued his enquiries rela- tive to the occurrences in the fashionable world. " Rather tame, Sir, at present : the Queen's unexpected visit to the two theatres was for a time a matter of surprise the backwardness of Drury Lane managers to produce * God Save the King,' has been construed into disloyalty to the Sovereign and a laughable circumstance took place on his going to the same house a few nights back, which has already been made the subject of much merriment, both in conversation and cari 92 DRURY LANE IN A BLAZE. cature. It appears that Mr. GLOSS'EM, who is a shining character in the theatrical world, at least among the minors of the metropolis ; and whose father was for many years a wax-chandler in the neighbourhood of Soho, holds a situation as clerk of the cheque to the Gentlemen Pensioners of his Majesty's household ; as well as that of Major Domo, manager and proprietor of a certain theatre, not half a mile from Waterloo Bridge. A part of his duty in the former capacity is to attend occa- sionally upon the person of the King, as one of the appendages of Royalty ; in which character he appeared on the night in question. The ser- vants of the attendants who were in waiting for their masters, had a room appropriated to their use. One of these latter gentry, no other than GLOSS'EM'S servant, being anxious to have as near a view of the sacred person of his Majesty as his employer, had placed himself in a good situation at the door, in order to witness his departure, when a Mr. WIN PEBBLE, of mis- managing noto- riety, and also a ponderous puff, assuming mana- gerial authority, espying him, desired the police- officers and guards in attendance to turn out the lamplighters boy, pointing to Gloss'em's servant. This, it seems, was no sooner said than done, at the point of the bayonet. Some little scuffle ensued His Majesty and suite departed Hold up your arm, Sir." "But did the matter end there?" enquired DAS HALL. THE ENRAGED MANAGERS. 93 " O dear, no not exactly." " Because if it did," continued TOM, " in my opinion, it began with a wax taper, and ended iiv the smoke of a farthing rushlight. You have made it appear to be a gas-receiver without supplies." " I beg pardon," said Mr. W. ; the pipes are lull, but the gas is not yet turned on." This created a laugh, and Mr. W. proceeded : " The next day, the servant having informed his Master of the treatment he had received, a gentle- man was dispatched from Gloss'em to Winpebble, to demand an apology : which being refused, the former, with a large horsewhip under his arm, accosted the latter, and handsonlely belaboured his shoulders with lusty stripes. That, you see, Sir, sets the gas all in a blaze. That will do, Sir. Now, Sir, at your service," addressing himself to TALLYHO. " Yes, "said TOM, " the taper's alight again now, and pray what was the consequence ? " " Winpebble called for assistance, which was soon obtained, and away they went to Bow-street. Manager Taper, and Manager Vapour the one blazing with fire, and the other exhausted with thrashing ; 'twas a laughing scene. Manager Strutt, and Manager Butt, were strutting and but- ting each other. The magistrate heard the case, and recommended peace and quietness between them, by an amicable adjustment. The irritated minds of the now two enraged managers could not be brought to consent to this. Gloss'em declared 94 BOW STREET BEWILDERED. the piece should be repeated, having been received with the most rapturous applause. Winpebble roundly swore that the piece was ill got up, badly represented, and damn'd to all intents and pur- poses that the author had more strength than wit and though not a friend to injunctions him- self, he moved for an injunction against Gloss'em ; who was at length something like the renowned John Astley with his imitator Rees : " This great John Astley, and this little Tommy Rees, Were both bound over to keep the King's Peas" Gloss'em was bound to keep the peace, and com- pelled to find security in the sum of twenty pounds. Thus ended the farce of The Enraged Managers Drury Lane in a Blaze, or Bow Street bewildered. " Ha ! ha ! ha ! an animated sort of vehicle for public amusement truly," said TOM, " and of course produced with new scenery, music, dresses, and decorations ; forming a combination of attrac- tions superior to any ever exhibited at any theatre egad ! it would make a most excellent scene in a new pantomine." " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " said Mr. W. " true, Sir, true ; and the duel of Lord Shampetre would have also its due portion of effect ; but as his Lordship is a good customer of mine, you must excuse any remarks on that circumstance." " We have already heard of his Lordship's un- daunted courage and firmness, as well as the correctness of his aim." CUTTING OUT, AND CUTTING UP. 95 " He ! he ! he !" chuckled W. ; " then I fancy your information is not very correct, for it ap- pears his lordship displayed a want of every one of those qualities that you impute to him ; how- ever, I venture to hope no unpleasant measures will result from the occurrence, as I made the very pantaloons he wore upon the occasion. It seems he is considerably cut up; but you must know that, previous to the duel, I was consulted upon the best mode of securing his sacred person from the effects of a bullet : I recommended a very high waistband lined with whalebone, and well padded with horse-hair, to serve as a breast-plate, and calculated at once to produce warmth, and resist penetration. The pantaloons were accord- ingly made, thickly overlaid with extremely rich and expensive gold lace, and considered to be stiff enough for any thing aye, even to keep his Lord- ship erect. But what do you suppose was the effect of all my care ? I should not like to make a common talk of it, but so it certainly was : his Lordship had no objection to the whalebone, buck- ram, &c. outside of him, but was fearful that if his antagonist's fire should be well-directed, his tender body might be additionally hurt by the splinters of the whalebone being carried along witt v it, and actually proposed to take them off before the dreadful hour of appointment came on, In this however he was fortunately overruled by his Second, who, by the by, was but a goose in the f affair, and managed it altogether very badly, except 96 THE WHIPSTITCH MERCURY in the instance of being prompt with the smelling- bottle, which certainly was well-timed ; and it would have been a hissing hot business, but for the judicious interference of the other Second." A loud laugh succeeded this additional piece of information relative to the affair of honour ; and Snip having finished his measurement, colours were fixed upon, and he departed, promising to be punctual in the delivery of the new habiliments on the next day. " I am now convinced, said BOB, " of the great importance and utility of a London tradesman, and the speed of their execution is wonderful ! " " Yes," replied TOM, " it is only to be equalled by the avidity with which they obtain information, and the rapidity with which they circulate it why, in another half hour your personal appear- ance, the cut of your country coat, your com- plexion and character, as far as so short an interview would allow for obtaining it, will be known to all his customers they are generally quick and acute discerners. But come, we must be making ready for our walk, it is now half-past ten o'clock Sparkle will be here presently. It is time to be dressing, as I mean to have a complete ramble during the day, take a chop somewhere on the road, and in the evening, my boy, we'll take a peep into the theatre. Lord Byron's tragedy of Marino Faliero is to be performed to-night, and I can, I think, promise you a treat of the highest kind. ADVANTAGES OF RAPID MOVEMENTS. who had no idea of dressing again,, having already been obliged to dress twice, seemed a Jittle surprised at the proposition, but supposing it to be the custom of London, nodded assent, and proceeded to the dressing-room. As he walked up stairs he could not help casting his visual orbs over the banisters, just to take a bird's eye view of tbe scene of his morning disasters, of which, to his great astonishment and surprise, not a vestige remained a new lamp had been procured, which seemed to have arisen like a phoenix from its ashes, and the stone passage and stairs appeared as he termed it, " as white as a cauliflower." At the sight of all this, he was gratified and delighted, for he expected to find a heap of ruins to reproach him. He skipped, or rather vaulted up the stairs, three or four at a stride, with all the gaiety of a race-horse when first brought to the starting-post. The rapid movements of a Life in London at on^e astonished and enraptured him ; nor did he delay his steps, or his delight, until he had reached the topmost story, when bursting open the door, he marched boldly into the room. II jre again he was at. fault ; a female shriek assailed his ear, which stopped his course, and lookin- around him, he could not find from whence the voice proceeded. " Good God !" continued the same voice, " what can be the meaning of this intrusion? Begone, rash man." In the mean time, TOM, who was in a room just under the one into which he had uu- 98 ALL JN THE WRONG AGAIY. fortunately made so sudden an entrance, appeared at the door. " What the devil is the matter now ? " said TOM ; when spying his cousin in the centre of the room, without seeming to know whether to return or remain, he could not restrain his laughter. TALLY- HO looked up, like one in a dream then down- then casting his eyes around him, he perceived in the corner, peeping out from the bed-curtains in which she had endeavoured to hide her almost naked person, the head of the old Housekeeper. The picture was moving, and at the same time laughable. The confusion of BOB the fright of the Housekeeper, and the laughter of TOM, were subjects for the pencil of a Hogarth ! " So," said TOM, " you are for springing game in all parts of the house, and at all times too. How came you here?" " Not by my appointment, Sir," replied the old lady, who still remained rolled up in the curtain. " I never did such a thing in all my born days : I'm an honest woman, and mean to remain so. I never was so ashamed in all my life." "I believe the house is enchanted," cried BOB ; " d me, I never seem to step without being on a barrel of gunpowder, ready to ignite with the touch of my foot. I have made son-ie cursed blunder again, and don't seem to know where I am." 11 Come, come," said DASHALL, " that won't do I'm sure you had some design upon my House- A VENUS DE MEDICIS. 99 keeper, who you hear by her own account is a good woman, and won't listen to your ad- vances." By this time the servants had arrived at the door, and were alternately peeping in, wondering to see the two gentlemen in such a situation, and secretly giggling- and enjoying the embarrassment of the old woman, whose wig lay on the table, and who was displaying her bald pate and shrivelled features from the bed-curtains, enveloped in fringe and tassels, which only served to render them still more ludicrous. BOB affected to laugh ; said it was very odd he could not account for it at all stammered out something like an apology begg'd pardon it was a mistake he really took it for his own room he never was so bewildered in his life was very sorry he should cause so much alarm but really had no sort of intention whatever. " Well," said DASHALL, " the best reparation you can now make for your intrusion is a speedy retreat. Time is escaping, so come along ; " and taking him by the arm, they walked down the stairs together, and then proceeded to re-fit with- out further obstruction, in order to be ready for Sparkle, who was expected every minnte. The first day of BOB'S residence in London had already been productive of some curious adven tures, in which he, unfortunately as he considered, had sustained the principal character a character not altogether suitable to his inclinations or wishes, 100 DELICACY ALARMED. though productive of much merriment to his ever gay and sprightly Cousin, who had witnessed the embarrassment of his pupil upon his first en- trance into Life with ungovernable laughter. It was to him excellent sport, while it furnished a good subject of speculation and conversation among the servants below, but was not so well relished by the affrighted old housekeeper. Indeed, the abrupt entrance of a man into her bed-chamber had so deranged her ideas, that she was longer than usual in decking her person previous to her re-appearance. The tender frame of the old lady had been subjected to serious agitations at the bare idea of such a visit, and the probable impu- tations that might in consequence be thrown upon her sacred and unspotted character ; nor could she for some time recover her usual serenity. Such was the situation of the parties at the mo- ment we are now describing ; but as our Heroes are preparing for an extensive, actual survey of men, manners, and things, we shall for the present leave them in peace and quietness, while we pro- ceed to the next chapter. PREPARING FOR A RAMBLE, CHAP VII. What shows ! and what sights ! what a round of delights You'fl meet in the gay scene of London ; How charming to view amusements still new, Twenty others you'll find soon as one's done. At the gay scene at Court Peers and gentry resovt. In pleasure you'll never miss one day : There's the Opera treat, the parade in Bond Street, And the crowd in Hyde Park on a Sunday. TOM, whose wardrobe was extensive, found no difficulty, and lost no time in preparing for the promenade; while, on the other hand, TALLYHO was perplexed to know how to tog himself out in a way suitable to make his appearance in the gay world of fashion. DAS HALL had therefore rapidly equipped himself, when, perceiving it was half-past eleven, he was the more perplexed to account for the absence of Sparkle ; for although it was an early hour, yet, upon such an occasion as that of initiating a new recruit, it was very extraordinary that he should not have been prompt. However, he entered TALLYHO'S room, and found him looking out of the window in a posture of rumination, probably revolving in his mind the events of the morning. " Come," said TOM, as he entered, " 'tis time to be on the move, and if Sparkle don't show in a few minutes, we'll set sail and call in upom him ;it 102 COSTUME OF TOWN AND COUNTRY. Long's, in Bond Street. Perhaps he is not well, or something prevents his appearance we'll make it in our way, and we have a fine day before us." " I am at your service," replied BOB, who could not help viewing the elegance of his Cousin's ap- pearance : the style of his dress, and the neatness with which his garments fitted him, were all sub- jects of admiration, and formed so strong a con- trast with his own as almost to excite envy. He had however attired himself in a way that befits a fashionable country gentleman : a green coat, white waistcoat, buckskin breeches, and boots, over which a pair of leggings appeared, which extended below the calf of the leg and half up the thigh, surmounted with a Lily Shallow. Such was the costume in which he was destined to show off; and thus equipped, after a few minutes they emer- ged from the house in Piccadilly on the proposed ramble, and proceeded towards Bond Street. The first object that took their particular atten- tion was the Burlington Arcade. " Come," said TOM, " we may as well go this way," and imme- diately they passed the juan in the gold'-laced hat, who guards the entrance to prevent the admission of boys and improper persons. The display of the shops, with the sun shining through the windows above, afforded much for observation, and attracted BOB from side to side to look, to wonder and admire. But TOM, who was intent upon finding his friend Sparkle, urged the necessity of moving onward with more celerity, lest he should be gone A MAN' 0,F THE TOWN. 103 out, and consequently kept drawing his Cousin forward. " Another and a better opportunity will be afforded for explanation than the present, and as speed is the order of the day, I hope you will not prove disorderly ; we shall soon reach Long's, and when we have Sparkle with us, we have one of the most intelligent and entertaining fellows in the world. He is a sort of index to every thing, and every body ; his knowledge of life and charac- ter, together with a facetiousness of whim and manner, which he has in delineating them, are what we call in London Pri me and bang up to the mark. There is scarcely a Lane, Court, Alley, or Street, in the Metropolis, but what he knows, from the remotest corners of Rag-Fair, to the open and elegant Squares of the West, even to Hyde Park Corner. Memory, mirth, and magic, seem at all times to animate his tongue, and, as the Song says, " He is the boy for bewitching 'cm, Whether good-humour'U or coy." Indeed, he is the admiration of all who know him; wit, whim, frolic, and fun, are constant companions with him, and I really believe, in a dungeon or a palace, he would always appear the same." By this time they had reached Bond Street, in their way to which, each step they had taken, the streets and avenues of every description appeared to BOB to be crowded to an exceM ; the min-lm:; cries which were vociferated around them produced 104 BOND STREET. in his mind uncommon sensations. The rattling of the carriages, the brilliance of the shops, and the continual hum of the passengers, contributed to heighten the scene. " Bond Street," said DASHALL, is not one of the most elegant streets in the vicinity of London, but is the resort of the most fashionable people, and from about two o'clock till five, it is all bustle all life every species of fashionable vehicle is to be seen dashing along in gay and gallant pride. From two to five are the fashionable shopping- hours, for which purpose the first families resort to this well-known street others, to shew their equipage, make an assignation, or kill a little time ; which is as much a business with some, as is the more careful endeavours of others to seize him in his flight, and make the most of his presence. The throng is already increasing; the variety, richness, and gaiety of the shops in this street, will always be attractive, and make it a popular ren- dezvous of both sexes. It will shortly be as crowded as Rag Fair, or the Royal Exchange ; and the magic splendour has very peculiar properties. " It makes the tradesman forget while he is cheating a lovely and smiling Duchess that in all probability her ladyship is endeavouring to cheat him. It makes the gay and airy, the furbelowed and painted lady of the town, forget that she must pay a visit to her uncle* in order to raise the wind * My Uncle is a very convenient and accommodating sort of friend, who lives at the sign of the Three Balls, indicative of his BOND STREET. 106 before she can make her appearance at the theatre at half-price. It makes the dashing prisoner for- get, that while he is sporting his figure in the bang-up style of appearance, he is only taking his ride on a day-rule from the King's Beflch. It makes the Lord who drives four-in-hand forget his losses of the night before at some of the fashionable gaming-houses. It makes one adventurer forget that the clothes in which he expects to obtain respect and attention, are more than likely to be paid for in Newgate ; another for a time forgets that John Doe and Richard Roe have expelled him from his lodgings ; and a third that all his worldly possessions are not equal to the purchase of a dinner. It is an ignis fatuus a sort of magic lantern replete with delusive appearances of momentary duration an escape to the regions of noise, tumult, vanity, and frivolity, where the rea- alities of Life, the circumstances and the situation of the observer, are not suffered to intrude. " But to be seen in this street at a certain hour, is one of the essentials to the existence of haul-ton it is the point of attraction for greetings in splendid equipages, from the haughty bend or willingness to lend money upon good security, tor the payment of enormous interest. The original meaning of the sign h;^ puzzled the curious and antiquarians, and the only probable iiu-jinim; they can discover is, that it implies the chances arc two to one against any property being redeemed aftrr being mice committed to the keeping of this tender hearted and affec- tionate relative. 106 BOND STREET familiar nod of arrogance, to the humble bow of servility. Here mimicry without money assumes the consequential air of independence : while mo- dest merit creeps along unheeded through the glittering crowd. Here all the senses are tanta- lized with profusion, and the eye is dazzled with temptation, for no other reason than because it is the constant business of a fashionable life not to live in, but out of self, to imitate the luxuries of the affluent without a tithe of their income, and to sacrifice morality at the altar of notoriety." " Your description of this celebrated street, of which I have heard so much," said TALLYHO, " is truly lively." " But it is strictly true " continued TOM. They had now arrived at Long's, and found a barouche and four waiting at the door. Upon entering, the first person they met was Lord Crip- plegate, whom they passed, and proceeded to the coffee-room ; in one of the boxes of which TOM immediately directed his Cousin's attention to a well-dressed young man, who was reading the newspaper, and sipping his coffee " Take notice of him," said TOM. BOB looked at him for a moment, marked his features, and his dress, which was in the extreme of fashion ; while TOM, turning to one of the Waiters, enquired for his friend Sparkle. " He has not been here since yesterday morn- ing ! " said the Waiter. " I have been waiting for him these two hours P A HANGER ON. 107 exclaimed the young Sprig of Fashion, lay ing down the newspaper almost at the same moment, " and must wait till he comes Ah ! Mr. DAS HALL, how d'ye do ? very glad to see you left all well in the country, I hope ? Mr. Sparkle was to have met me this morning at eleven precisely, I should judge he is gone into the country." " It must have been late last night, then," said DASHALL, " for he left us about half-past ten, and promised also to meet us again this morning at eleven ; I can't think what can have become of him but come," said he, taking BOB by the arm, " we must keep moving Good morning good morning." And thus saying, walked directly out of the house, turning to the right again towards Piccadilly. " There is a remark made, I think by Gold- smith," said TOM, " that one half of the world don't know how the other half lives ; and the man I spoke to in the coffee-room, whose name I am unacquainted with, though his person is recognized by almost every body, while his true character, residence, and means of subsistence, remain com- pletely in obscurity, from what I have seen of him, I judge is what may be termed a hanger on." 1 " A hanger on," said BOB" what can that menu ? I took him for a man of property and high birth but I saw you take so little notice of him." " Ah ! my good fellow, I have already cautioned you not to be duped by appearances. A hanger on is a sort of sycophant, or toad-eater, and, in the 108 A HANGER ON. coffee-houses and hotels of London, many such are to be found men who can spin out a long yarn, tell a tough story, and tip you a rum chant who invite themselves by a freedom of address bordering on impudence to the tables and the par- ties of persons they know, by pretending to call in by mere accident, just at the appointed time : by assuming great confidence, great haste, little appetite, and much business ; but, at the same time, requiring but little pressure to forego them all for the pleasure of the company present. What he can have to do with Sparkle I am at a loss to conceive ; but he is an insinuating and an intriguing sort of fellow, whom I by no means like, so I cut him." BOB did not exactly understand the meaning of the word cut, and therefore begged his Cousin to explain. " The cut," said TOM, " is a fashionable word for getting rid, by rude or any means, of any per- son whose company is not agreeable. The art of cutting is reduced to a system in London ; and an explanatory treatise has been written on the sub- ject for the edification of the natives.* But I am so bewildered to think what can have detained Sparkle, and deprived us of his company, that I scarcely know how to think for a moment on any other subject at present." " It is somewhat strange ! " cried BOB, " that he was not with you this morning." * Vide a small volume entitled " The Cutter." A MAN OF SCIENCE. 109 " There is some mystery in it," said TOM, " which time alone can unravel ; but however, we will not be deprived of our intended ramble." At this moment they entered Piccadilly, and were crossing the road in their way to St. James's Street, when DAS HALL nodded to a gentleman passing by on the opposite side, and received a sort of half bow in return. " That," said TOM, "is a curious fellow, and a devilish clever fellow too for although he has but one arm, he is a man of science." " In what way ?" enquired BOB. " He is a pugilist," said TOM" one of those courageous gentlemen who can queer the day- lights, tap the claret, prevent telling jibs, and pop the noddle into chancery ; and a devilish good hand he is, I can assure you, among those who " can combat with ferocious strife, And beat an eye out, or thump out a life ; Can bang the ribs in, or bruise out the brains, And die, like noble blockheads, for their pains." " Having but one arm, of course he is unable to figure in the ring though he attends the w/7/.v, and is a constant visitor at the Fives Court exhibi- tions, and generally appears a la Belcher. He prides himself upon flooring a novice, and hits develish hard with the glove. I have had some lessons from this amateur of the old English sci- ence, and felt the force of his fist ; but it is a very customary thing to commence in a friendly way, till the knowing one finds an opportunity which 110 A SHOCKINTr DISASTER. he cannot resist, of shewing the superiority he possesses. So it was with Harry and me, when he put on his glove. I use the singular number, be- cause he has but one hand whereon to place a glove withaL Come, said he, it shall only be a little innocent spar. I also put on a glove, for it would not be fair to attack .a one-armed man with two, and no one ought to take the odds in combat To it we went, and I shewed first blood, for he tapped the claret in no time. ' Neat milling we had, what with clouts on the nob, Home hits in the bread-basket, clicks in the gob, And plumps in the daylights, a prettier treat Between two Johnny Raws 'tis not easy to meet." " I profited however by Harry's lessons, and after a short time was enabled to return the com- pliment with interest, by sewing up one of his glimmers. " This is St. James's Street," continued he, as they turned the corner rather short; in doing which, somewhat animated by the description he had just been giving, TOM'S foot caught the toe of a gen- tleman, who was mincing along the pathway with all the care and precision of a dancing-master, which had the effect of bringing him to the ground in an instant as effectually as a blow from one of the fancy. TOM, who had no intention of giving offence wantonly, apologized for the misfortune, by " I beg pardon, Sir," while BOB, who per- ceived the poor creature was unable to rise again, and apprehending some broken bones, assisted him DANDYISM. U] to regain his erect position. The poor animal, 01 nondescript, yclept Dandy, however had only been prevented the exercise of its limbs by the stiffness of certain appendages, without which its person could not be complete the stays, lined with whale- bone, were the obstacles to its rising. Being how- ever placed in its natural position, he began in an affected blustering tone of voice to complain that it was d d odd a gentleman could not walk along the streets without being incommoded by puppies pulled out his quizzing glass, and sur- veyed our heroes from head to foot then taking from his pocket a smelling bottle, which, by appli- cation to the nose, appeared to revive him, TOM declared he was sorry for the accident, had no in- tention, and hoped he was not hurt. This, how- ever, did not appear to satisfy the offended Dandy, who turned upon his heel muttering to himself the necessity there was of preventing drunken fellows from rambling the streets to the annoyance of sober and genteel people in the day-time. DASHALL, who overheard the substance of his ejaculation, broke from the arm of BOB, and step- ping after him without ceremony, by a sudden wheel placed himself in the front of him, so as to impede his progress a second time ; a circumstance which filled Mr. Fribble with additional alarm, and his agitation became visibly depicted on his coun- tenance. " What do you mean?" cried DASHAI.I, \\uli indignation, taking the imputation 112 DANDYISM. at that ear y hour in dudgeon. " Who, and what are you, Sir ?* Explain instantly, or by the honour of a gentleman, 111 chastise this insolence." * " What are you 1" is a formidable question to a dandy af the present day, for " Dandy's a gender of the doubtful kind , A something, nothing, not to be defined ; 'Twould puzzle worlds its sex to ascertain, So very empty, and so very vain." It is a fact that the following examination of three of these non-descripts took place at Bow Street a very short time back, in consequence of a nocturnal fracas. The report was thus given : "Three young sprigs of fashion, in full dress, somewhat damaged and discoloured by a night's lodging in the cell of a watch-house, were yesterday brought before Mr. Birnie, charged with disorderly conduct in the streets, and with beating a watch- man named Lloyd. " Lloyd stated that his beat was near the Piazza, and at a very late hour on Thursday night, the thiae defeadants came through Covent Garden, singing, and conducting themselves in the most riotous manner possible. They were running, and were followed by three others, all in a most uproarious state of intoxication, and he thought proper to stop them , upon which he was floored san-ceremonie, and when he recovered his legs, he was again struck, and called ' a b dy Charley,' and other ungenteel names. He called for the assistance of some of his brethren, and the defendants were with some trouble taken to the watch-house. They were very jolly on the way, and when lodged in durance, amused themselves with abusing the Constable of the night, and took especial care that no one within hearing of the watch- house should get a wink of sleep for the remainder of the night. Mr. Birnie. " Well young gentleman, what have you to say to this ? " The one who undertook to be spokesman, threw him- self in the most familiar manner possible across the table, and JDANDY Ml. 110 ISM. 113 " Leave me alone," exclaimed the almost pe- trified Dandy. " Not till you have given me the satisfaction I have a right to demand," cried TOM. " I insist upon an explanation and apology or demand your card who are you, Sir ? That's my address," in- stantly handing him a card. " I am not to be played having fixed himself perfectly at his ease, he said, " The fact was, they had been dining at a tavern, and were rather drunk, and on their way through the Piazza, they endeavoured by running away to give the slip to their three companions, who were still worse than themselves. The others, however called out Stop thief ! and the watchman stopped them ; whereat they naturally felt irritated, and certainly gave the watchman a bit of a thrashing." Mr. Birnie.-- " How was he to know yon were not the thieves ? He did quite right to stop you, and I am very glad he has brought you here Pray, Sir, what are you ? " Defendant." I am nothing, Sir." Mr. Birnie (to another)." And what are you?" Defendant." Why, Sir, I am I am, Sir, nothing." Mr. Birnie. " Well, this is very fine. Pray, Sir, (turning to the third, who stood twirling his hat) will you do me the favour to tell what you are ? " This gentleman answered in he same way. " I am, as my friends observed, nothing." Mr. Birnie. " Well, gentlemen, I must endeavour to make something of you. Here, gaoler, let them be locked up, and I shai* not part with them until I have some better, account of their oc- cupations." We have heard it asserted, that Nine tailort make a man. Hew many Dandies, professing to be Nothing, may be required to so- comrtlish the proposed intention of making Somethiny, mny [ff iaps toy this time) bo discovered by the worthy Magistrate. We however suspect he has had severe work of it. 114 DANDY HEROISM. with, nor will I suffer your escape, after the insulting manner in which you have spoken, with impunity." Though not prepared for such a rencontre, the Dandy, who now perceived the inflexible temper of TOM'S mind and a crowd of people gathering round him determined at least to put on as much of the character of a MAN as possible, and fumbled in his pocket for a card ; at length finding one, he slipped it into TOM'S hand. " Oh, Sir," said he " if that's the case, I'm your man, demmee how, when, or where you please, 'pon honor" Then beckoning to a hackney coach, he hobbled to the door, and was pushed in by coachee, who, immedi- ately mounted the box and flourishing his whip, soon rescued him from his perilous situation, and the jeers of the surrounding multitude. TOM, who in the bustle of the crowd had slipped the card of his antagonist into his pocket, now took BOB'S arm, and they pursued their way down St. James's Street, and could not help laughing at the affair: but TALLYHO, who had a great aversion to duelling, end was thinking of the consequences, bit his lips, and expressed his sorrow at what had occurred ; he ascribed the hasty imputation of drunkenness to the irritating effects of the poor creature's accident, and expressed his hope that his cousin would take no further notice of it. TOM, However, on the other hand, ridiculed BOB'S fears- old him it was a point of honour not to sufier an insult in the street from any man nor would he besides, the charge of drunkenness from such a thing INEBRIETY REPROVED. 115 as that, is not to be borne. " D n it, man, drunken- ness in the early part of the day is a thing I abhor, it is at all times what I would avoid if possible, but at night there may be many apologies for it ; nay in some cases even to avoid it is impossible. The pleasures of society are enhanced by it the joys of love are increased by the circulation of the glass harmony, conviviality and friendship are produced by it though I am no advocate for inebriety, and detest the idea of the beast " Who clouds his reason by the light of day, And falls to drink, an early and an easy prey." ' Well," said BOB, " I cannot help thinking this poor fellow, who has already betrayed his fears, will be inclined to make any apology for his rude- ness to-morrow." " If he does not," said TOM, " I'll wing him, to a certainty a j ackanapes a puppy a man-milliner ; perhaps a thing of shreds and patches he shall not go unpunished, I promise you ; so come along, we will just step in here, and I'll dispatch this bu- siness at once : I'll write a challenge, and then it will be off my hands." And so saying, they entered a Coffee-house, where, calling for pen, ink and paper, TOM immediately began his epistle, shrewd- ly hinting to his Cousin, that he expected he would act as his Second. " It will be a fine opportunity for introducing your name to the gay world the news- papers will record your name as a man of ton 116 MY UNCLE'S CARD. Let us see now how it will appear : On last, the Honourable TOM DASHALL, attended by his Cousin, ROBERT TALLYHO, Esq. of Belleville Hall, met ah, by the bye, let us see who he is," here he felt in his pocket for the card. ' BOB, however, declared his wish to decline ob- taining popularity by being present upon such an occasion, and suggested the idea of his calling upon the offender, and endeavouring to effect an amicable arrangement between them. " Hallo !" exclaimed TOM with surprise, as he drew the card from his pocket, and threw it on the table" Ha, ha, ha, look at that." TALLYHO looked at the card without under- standing it. " What does it mean ? " said he. " Mean," replied TOM, " why it is a Pawn- broker's duplicate for a Hunting Watch, deposited with his uncle this morning in St. Martin's Lane, for two pounds laughable enough well, you may dismiss your fears for the present ; but I'll try if I can't find my man by this means if he is worth finding at all events we have found a watch." BOB now joined in the laugh, and, having satisfied the Waiter, they sallied forth again. Just as they left the Coffee-house, " Do you see that Gentleman in the blue great coat, arm in arm with another ? that is no other than the . You would scarcely conceive, by his present ap- pearance, that he has commanded armies, and led them on to victory ; and that having retired under ST. JAMES'S PALACE. 117 the shade of his laurels, he is withering them away, leaf by leaf, by attendance at the hells* of the metropolis ; his unconquerable spirit still ac- tuating him in his hours of relaxation. It is said that the immense sum awarded to him for his prowess in war, has been so materially reduced by his inordinate passion for play, that although he appears at Court, and is a favourite, theddfeion Po- verty stares him in the face. But this is a vile world, and half one hears is not to be believed. He is certainly extravagant, fond of women, and fond of wine ; but all these foibles are over- shadowed with so much glory as scarcely to remain perceptible Here is the Palace," said TOM, directing his Cousin's attention to the bottom of the street. BOB was evidently struck at this piece of infor- mation, as he could discover no mark of grandeur in its appearance to entitle it to the dignity of a royal residence. " It is true," said TOM, " the outside appear- ance is not much in its favour ; but it is venerable for its antiquity, and for its being till lately the place at which the Kings of this happy Island have held their Courts. On the site of that palace ori- ginally stood an hospital, founded before the con- quest, for fourteen leprous females, to whom eight * Hells The abode or resort of black-legs or gamblers, wber they assemble to commit their depredations on the unwarv. But 01 these we shall have occasion to enlarge elsewhere. J18 ST. JAMES'S PALACE. brethren were afterwards added, to assist in the performance of divine service." " Very necessary," said BOB, " and yet scarcely sufficient." " You seem to quiz this Palace, and are inclined to indulge your wit upon old age. In 1532, it was surrendered to Henry viu. and he erected the present^Palace, and enclosed St. James's Park, to serve as a place of amusement and exercise, both to this Palace and Whitehall. But it does not appear to have been the Court of the English Sovereigns, during their residence in town, till the reign of Queen Ann, from which time it has been uniformly used as such. " It is built of brick ; and that part which con- tains the state apartments, being only one story high, gives it a regular appearance outside. The State-rooms are commodious and handsome, although there is nothing very superb or grand in the decorations or furniture. " The entrance to these rooms is by a stair-case which opens into the principal court, which you now see. At the top of the stair-case are two rooms ; one on the left, called the Queen's, and the other the King's Guard-room, leading to the State-apartments. Immediately beyond the King's Guard-room is the Presence-chamber, which con- tains a canopy, and is hung with tapestry ; and which is now used as a passage to the principal rooms. " There is a suite of five rooms opening into *T JAMES 8 PALACE. 119 each other successively, fronting the Park. The Presence-chamber opens into the centre room, which is denominated the Privy-chamber, in which is a canopy of rlowered-crimson velvet, generally made use of for the King to receive the Quakers. " On the right are two drawing-rooms, one within the other. At the upper end of the further ' one, is a throne with a splendid canopy, on which the Kings have been accustomed to receive certain addresses. This is called the Grand Drawing- room, and is used by the King and Queen on cer- tain state occasions, the nearer room being appro- priated as a kind of ante-chamber, in which the nobility, &c. are permitted to remain while their Majesties are present in the further room, and is furnished with stools, sofas, &c. for the purpose. There are two levee-rooms on the left of the privy- chamber, on entering from the King's guard-room and presence-chamber, the nearer one serving as an ante-chamber to the other. They were all of them, formerly, meanly furnished, but at the time of the marriage of our present King, they were elegantly fitted up. The walls are now covered with tapestry, very beautiful, and of rich colours- tapestry which, although it was made for Charles u. had never been used, having by some accident lain unnoticed in a chest, till it was discovered a short time before the marriage of the Prince. " The canopy of the throne was made for the late Queen's birth-day, the first which happened after the union of Great Britain and Ireland. It is 120 ST. JAMES S PALACE. made of crimson velvet, with very broad gold lace, embroidered with crowns set with fine and rich pearls. The shamrock, emblematical of the Irish nation, forms a part of the decorations of the British crown, and is executed with great taste and accuracy. " The grand drawing-room contains a large, magnificent chandelier of silver, gilt, but I believe it has not been lighted for some years ; and in the grand levee-room is a very noble bed, the furni- ture of which is of Spitalfields manufacture, in crimson velvet. It was first put up with the tapes- try, on the marriage of the present King, then Prince of Wales. " It is upon the whole an irregular building, chiefly consisting of several courts and alleys, which lead into the Park. This, however, is the age of improvement, and it is said that the Palace will shortly be pulled down, and in the front of St. James's Street a magnificent triumphal arch is to be erected, to commemorate the glorious vic- tories of the late war, and to form a grand entrance to the Park. " The Duke of York, the Duke of Clarence, the King's servants, and many other dignified per- sons, live in the Stable-yard." " In the Stable-yard !" said BOB, " dignified persons reside in a Stable-yard, you astonish me ! " It is quite true," said TOM, " and remember it is the Stable-yard of a King." " I forgot that circumstance," said BOB, " and PALL MALI WATERLOO PLACE. 121 that circumstances alter cases. But whose carriage is this driving with so much rapidity ? " " That is His Highness the Duke of York, most likely going to pay a visit to his royal brother, the King, who resides in a Palace a little further on : which will be in our way, for it is yet too early to see much in the Park : so let us proceed, I am anxious to make some inquiry about my antago- nist, and therefore mean to take St. Martin's Lane as we go along. With this they pursued their way along Pall Mall. The rapidity of TOM'S movements however afforded little opportunity for observation or re- mark, till they arrived opposite Carlton House, when he called his Cousin's attention to the ele- gance of the new streets opposite to it." " That," said he, " is Waterloo Place, which, as well as the memorable battle after which it is named, has already cost the nation an immense sum of money, and must cost much more before the proposed improvements are completed : it is however, the most elegant street in London. The want of uniformity of the buildings has a striking effect, and gives it the appearance of a number of palaces. In the time of Queen Elizabeth there were no such places as Pall Mall, St. James's-street, Piccadilly, nor any of the streets or fine squares in this part of the town. That building at the farther end is now the British Fire-office, and has a pleasing effect at this distance. The cupola on 122 NEW STREETS CARLTON PALACE, ETC. the left belongs to a chapel, the interior of which for elegant simplicity is unrivalled. To the left of the centre building is a Circus, and a serpentine street, not yet finished, which runs to Swallow Street, and thence directly to Oxford Road, where another circus is forming, and is intended to communicate with Portland Place ; by which means a line of street, composed of all new buildings, will be com- pleted. Of this dull looking place (turning to Carlton House) although it is the town-residence of our King, I shall say nothing at present, as I intend devoting a morning, along with you, to its inspection. The exterior has not the most lively appearance, but the interior is magnificent." During this conversation they had kept moving gently on. BOB was charmed with the view down Waterloo Place. " That," said his Cousin, pointing to the Arcade at the opposite corner of Pall Mall, " is the Italian Opera-house, which has recently assumed its pre- sent superb appearance, and may be ranked among the finest buildings in London. It is devoted to the performance of Italian operas and French bal- lets, is generally open from December to July, and is attended by the most distinguished and fashionable persons. The improvements in this part are great. That church, which you see in the distance over the tops of the houses, is St. Martin's in the fields." AN IRISH PADDY. 123 " In the fieids," inquired BOB ; " what then, are we come to the end of the town ? " "Ha! ha! ha!" cried TOM " the end-no, no, I was going to say there is no end to it no, we have not reached any thing like the centre." " Blood an owns, boderation and blarney" (said an Irishman, at that moment passing them with a hod of mortar on his shoulder, towards the new buildings, and leaving an ornamental patch as he went along on BOB'S shoulder) " but I'll be a'ter tipping turnups* to any b dy rogue that's up to saying Black's the white of the blue part of Pat Murphy s eye; and for that there matter," drop- ping the hod of mortar almost on their toes at the same time, and turning round to BOB " By the powers ! I ax the Jontleman's pardon tho' he's not the first Jontleman that has carried mortar where is that big, bully-faced blackguard that I'm looking after ? " During this he brushed the mor- tar off TALLYHO'S coat with a snap of his fingers, regardless of where or on whom he distributed it. The offender, it seemed, had taken flight while Pat was apologizing, and was no where to be found. "Why what's the matter?" inquired TOM; " you seem in a passion." " Och ! not in the least bit, your honour ! I'm only in a d d rage. By the mug of my mother *Tipping Turnup* This is a phrase made use of among the prigging fraternity, to signify a turn-up \\hidi is to knock down. 12.4 TIPPING THE BLARNEY. arn't it a great shame that a Jontleman of Ire land can't walk the streets of London without having poratees and butter-milk throw'd in his gums ? " Hitching up the waistband of his breeches " It won't do at all at all for Pat : its a reflection on my own native land, where " Is hospitality, All reality, No formality There you ever see ; The free and easy Would so amaze ye, You'd think us all crazy, For dull we never be." These lines sung with an Irish accent, to the tune of " Morgan Rattler," accompanied with a snapping of his fingers, and concluded with a something in imitation of an Irish jilt, were alto- gether so truly characteristic of the nation to which he belonged, as to afford our Heroes con- siderable amusement. TOM threw him a half- crown, which he picked up with more haste than he had thrown down the mortar in his rage. " Long life and good luck to the Jontleman ! ' said Pat. " Sure enough, I won't be after drinking health and success to your Honour's pretty picture, and the devil pitch into his own cabin the fellow that would be after picking a hole or clapping a dirty patch on the coat of St. Patrick whiskey for ever, your Honour, huzza " A drop of good whiskey Would make a man frisky." INCORRIGIBLE PlUGS. 125 By this time a crowd was gathering round them, and TOM cautioned BOB in a whisper to beware of his pockets. This piece of advice however came too late, for his blue bird's-eye wipe* had taken flight. " What," said BOB, " is this done in open day ?" " Are you all right and tight elsewhere ? " said TOM " if you are, toddle on and say nothing about it. Open day ! " continued he, " aye, the system of prigging^ will be acted on sometimes Blue bird't eye wipe A. blue pocket handkerchief with white spots. f A cant term for all sorts of thieving. The Life of the cele- brated George Harrington, of Old Bailey notoriety, is admirably illustrative of this art ; which by a more recent developement of Hardy Faux, appears to be almost reduced to a system, notwith- standing the wholesomeness of our laws and the vigilance of our police in their administration. However incredible it may ap- pear, such is the force of habit and association, the latter, notwithstanding he was detected and transported, contrived to continue his depredations during his captivity, returned, at the expiration of his term, to his native land and his old pursuits, was transported a second time, suffered floggings and imprison- ments, without correcting what cannot but be termed the vicious propensities of his nature. He generally spent bis mornings in visiting the shops of jewellers, watch-makers, pawnbrokers, &c. t depending upon his address and appearance, and determining to make the whole circuit of the metropolis and not to omit a single shop in either of those branches. This scheme he actually executed so fully, that he believes he did not leave ten untried in London ; for he made a point of commencing early every day, and went regularly through it, taking both sides of the way. His practice on entering a shop was to request to look at gold seals, chains, brooches, rings, 01 any other small articles of 126 A HUE AND CRY. by the very party you are speaking to the expert- ness with which it is done is almost beyond belief." - BOB having ascertained that his handkerchief was the extent of his loss, they pursued their way towards Charing Cross. " A line of street is intended," continued TOM, ' to be made from the Opera House to terminate with that church ; and here is the King's Mews, which is now turned into barracks." " Stop thief! Stop thief!" was at this moment vociferated in their ears by a variety of voices, and value, and while examining them, and looking the shopkeeper in the face, he contrived by sleight of hand to conceal two or *hree, sometimes more, as opportunities offered, in the sleeve of his coat, which was purposely made wide. In this practice he succeeded to a very great extent, and in the course of his career was never once detected in the fact, though on two or three occa- sions so much suspicion arose that he was obliged to exert all his effrontery, and to use very high language, in order, ?* the cant phrase is, to lounce the tradesman o;tt of it ; his fashiona- ble appearance, and affonted anger at his insinuations, always had the effect of inducing an apology ; and in many such cases he has actually carried away the spoil, notwithstanding what passed between them, and even gone so far as to visit the same shop again a second and a third time with as good success as at first. This, with his nightly attendance at the Theatres and places of public resort, where he picked pockets of watches, snuff-boxes, &c. was for a length of time the sole business of his life. He was however secured, after secreting himself for a time, convicted, and is now transported for life as he conceives, sold by another cele- brated Prig, whose real name was Bill White, but better known by the title of Conky Beau. A CAPTURE. 127 turning round, they perceived a well-dressed man at full speed, followed pretty closely by a concourse of people. In a moment the whole neighbourhood appeared to be in alarm. The up-stairs windows were crowded with females the tradesmen were at their shop-doors the passengers were huddled together in groups, inquiring of each other " What is the matter ? who is it ? which is him ? what has he done?'' while the pursuers were increasing in numbers as they went. The bustle of the scene was new to BOB Charing Cross and its vicinity was all in motion. " Come," said TOM, " let us see the end of this they are sure to nab* my gentleman before he gets much farther, so let us bnisirf on." Then pulling his Cousin by the arm, they moved forward to the scene of action. As they approached St. Martin's Lane, the ga- thering of the crowd, which was now immense, indicated to TOM a capture. " Button up," said he, " and let us see what's the matter." " Arrah be easy" cried a voice which they instantly recognized to be no other than Pat Murphy's. " I'll hold you, my dear, till the night after Doomsday, though I can't tell what day of the year that is. Where's the man wid the gould-laced skull-cap ? Sure enough I taught I'd be UP wi* you, and so now you see I'm down upon you" t Nabbed or nibbled Secured or taken. t KrushUt oil. 128 MORE OF THE BLARNET. At this moment a Street-keeper made way through the crowd, and TOM and BOB keeping close in his rear, came directly up to the principal performers in this interesting scene, and found honest Pat Murphy holding the man by his collar, while he was twisting and writhing to get released from the strong and determined grasp of the athletic Hibernian. Pat no sooner saw our Heroes, than he burst out with a lusty " Arroo ! arroo ! there's the sweet- looking jontleman that's been robbed by a dirty spalpeen that's not worth the tail of a rotten red- herring. I'll give charge of dis here pick'd blade- bone of a dead donkey that walks about in God's own daylight, dirting his fingers wid what don't belong to him at all at all. So sure as the devil's in his own house, and that's London, you've had your pocket pick'd, my darling, and that's news well worth hearing" addressing himself to DASHALL. By this harangue it was pretty clearly under- stood that Murphy had been in pursuit of the pick- pocket, and TOM immediately gave charge.' The man, however, continued to declare he was not the right person" That, so help him G d, the Irishman had got the wrong bull by the tail that he was a b dy snitch* and that he would sarve him out\ that he wished he might meet * Snitch A terra made use of by the light-fingered tribe, to sig- nify an informer, by whom they have been impeached or betraved So a person who turns king's evidence against his accomplices is called a Snitch. f Serve him out To punish, or be revenged upon any person for any real or supposed injury. A WAKE, WITH AN IRISH HOWL. 129 him out of St. Giles's, and he would wake* hin with an Irish howl." With conversation of this kind, the party were * Wake with an Irish howlA.n Irish Wake, which is no unfre- quent occurrence in the neighbourhood of St. Giles's and Saffron Hill, is one of the most comically serious ceremonies which can well be conceived, and certainly baffles all powers of descrip- tion. It is, however, considered indispensable to wake the body of a deceased native of the sister kingdom, which is, by a sort of mock lying in state, to which all the friends, relatives, and fel- low countrymen and women, of the dead person, are indiscriminate- ly admitted ; and among the low Irish this duty is frequently per- formed in a cellar, upon which occasions the motley group of assembled Hibernians would form a subject for the pencil of the most able satirist. Upon one of these occasions, when Murtoch Mulrooney, who had suffered the sentence of the law by the common hangman, for a footpad robbery, an Englishman was induced by a friend of the deceased to accompany him, and has left on record the following account of his entertainment : " When we had descended (says he) about a dozen steps, we found ourselves in a subterraneous region, but fortunately not uninhabited. On the right sat three old bawds, drinking whiskey and smoking tobacco out of pipes about two inches long, (by which means, I conceive, their noses had become red,) and swearing and blasting between each puff. I was immediately saluted by one of the most sober of the ladies, and invited to take a glass of the enlivening nectar, and led to the bed exactly opposite the door, where Murtoch wfcs laid out, and begged to pray for the repose of his precious shoul. This, however, I de- clined, alleging that as the parsons were paid for praying, it was their proper business. At this moment a coarse female voice exclaimed, in a sort of yell or Irish howl, ' Arrah ! by Jasus, and win did you die, honey ? Sure enough it was not for the want of miik, meal, or tutoes.* " hi a remote corner of the room, or rather i:dlar, sat three 130 LIFE BELOW STAIRS. amused up St. Martin's lane, and on the remainder of the road to Bow-street, followed by many per- sons, some of whom pretended to have geen a part of the proceedings, and promised to give their evi- dence before the magistrate, who was then silting:. On arriving in Bow Street, they entered the Brown Bear.* a public-house, much frequented draymen, flve of his majesty's body guards, four sailors, six hay- makers, eight chairmen, and six evidence makers, together with three bailiffs' followers, who came by turns to view the body, and take a drop of the cratur to drink repose to the shoul of their countryman ; and to complete the group, they were attended by the journeyman Jack Ketch. The noise and confusion were almost stupefying there were praying swearing crying howling smoking and drinking. " At the head of the bed where the remains of Murtoch were laid, was the picture of the Virgin Mary on one side, and that of St. Patrick on the other ; and at the feet was depicted the devil and some of his angels, with the blood running down their backs, from the flagellations which they had received from the disciples of Ketigern. Whether the blue devils were rtying around or not, I could not exactly discover, but the whiskey and blue ruin were evidently powerful in their effects. " One was swearing a second counting his beads a third descanting on the good qualities of bis departed friend, and about to try those of the whiskey a fourth evacuating that load with which he had already overloaded himself a fifth, declaring he could carry a fare, hear mass, knock down a member of par- liament, murder a peace officer, and after all receive a pension : and while the priest was making an assignation with a sprightly female sprig of Shelalah, another wasjonteelly picking his pocket. I had seen enough, and having no desire to continue in such company, made my escape with as much speed as I could from this animated group of persons, assembled as they were upon so solemn an occasion. * A former landlord of the house facetiously christened it the VOCABULARY OF THE NEW SCHOOL. 131 by the officers, and in which is a strong-room for the safe custody of prisoners, where they were shewn into a dark back-parlour, as they termed it, and the officer proceeded to search the man in custody, when lo and behold ! the handkerchief was not to be found about him. Pat d d the devil and all his works swore " by the fiery furnace of Beelzebub, and that's the devil's own bed-chamber, that was the man that nibbled the Jontleman's dive* and must have ding'd away the wipe,-\ or else what should he bolt\. for ? that he was up to the rum slum,\ and down upon the kiddw\ and sure enough you're boned * my dear boy." Russian Hotel, and had the words painted under the sign of Bruin. * Nibbled the Jontleman's dive Picked the gentleman's pocket. t Ding'd away the wipe Passed away the handkerchief to another, to escape detection. This is a very common practice in London : two or three in a party will be near, without appearing to have the least knowledge of, or connexion with each other, and the moment a depredation is committed by one, he transfers the property to one of his pals, by whom it is conveyed perhaps to tne third, who decamps with it to some receiver, who will immediately advance money upon it; while, if any suspicion should fall upon the first, the second will perhaps busy himself in his endeavours to secure the offender, well knowing no proof of possession can be brought against him. I Bolt Run away ; try to make an escape. $ Rum slum Gammon queer talk or action, in which some fraudulent intentions are discoverable or suspected. || Down upon the Kiddies To understand the arts and ma- nor uvres of thieves and sharpers. % Honed Taken or secured. 132 VOCABULARY OF THE NEW SCHOOL. Some of the officers came in, and appeared to know the prisoner well, as if they had been ac- quainted with each other upon former official business ; but as the lost property was not found upon him, it was the general opinion that nothing could be done and the accused began to exercise his wit upon Murphy ^vnich roused Pat s blood : " For the least thing yoc tnow makes an Irishman roar/ At length, upon charging him with having been caught blue^pigeon flying* Pat gave him the lie in his teeth swore he'd fight him for all the blunt\ he had about him, " which to be sure," said he, " is but a sweet pretty half-a-crown, and be d d to you good luck to it ! Here goes," throwing the half-crown upon the floor, which the prisoner attempted to pick up, but was prevented by Pat's stamping his foot upon it, while he was doffing his jacket,;]; exclaiming " Arran, be after putting your dirty fingers in your pocket, and don't spoil the King's picture by touching it devil burn me, but I'll mill your mug to muffin dust^ before I'll give up that beautiful * Blue pigeon flying The practice of stealing lead from houses, churches, or other buildings. A species of depredation very pre- valent in London and its vicinity, and which is but too much en- couraged by the readiness with which it can be disposed of to the plumbers in general. f Blunt A. flash term for money. J Doffing hit Jacket Taking off his jacket. Mill your mug to muffin dust The peculiarity of the Irish cha- racter for overstrained metaphor, nia> perhaps, in some degree ADDITIONAL COMPANY. 133 looking bit ; so tip us your mauley,* and no more blarney." During this conversation, the spectators, who were numerous, were employed in endeavouring to pacify the indignant Hibernian, who by this time had buffed it, or, in other words, peeled in prime twig,-\ for a regular turn to.% All was noise and confusion, when a new group of persons en- tered the roomanother capture had been made, and another charge given. It was however with some difficulty that honest Pat Murphy was pre- vailed upon to remain a little quiet, while one of the officers beckoned DASHALL out of the room, and gave him to understand that the man in custody, just brought in, was a well-known pa of the one first suspected, though they took not the least account for the Hibernian's idea of beating bis head to flour, though he was afterwards inclined to commence his operations in the true style and character of the prize ring, where " Men shake hands before they box, Then give each other plaguy knocks, With all the love and kindness of a brother." * Tip us your mauley Give me your hand. Honour is so sacred a thing with the Irish, that t)e rapid transition from a violent ex- pression to the point of honour, is no uncommon thing amongst them ; and in this instance i* is quite clear that although he mc;mt to mill the mug of his opponent to muffin dust, he had a notion of the tliiny, and intended to do i* in an honourable way. \ liuff'd it, or peeled in prime tidy Stripped to the skin in g"c found in London. This may truly be called the age of Quackery, from the abun- dance of inipustois of every km- 1 that prey upon society ; and 158 MEDICAL QUACKS. other company, and I will give you an account of him as we go along." such as cannot or will not think for themselves, ought to be guarded in a publication of this nature, against the fraudulent acts of those persons who make it their business and profit to deteriorate the health, morals, and amusements of the public. But, in the present instance, we are speaking of the Medical Quack only, than which perhaps there is none more remarkable. The race of Bossys, Brodrums, Solomons, Perkins, Chamants, &c. is filled by others of equal notoriety, and no doubt of equal utility. The Cerfs, the Curries, the Lamerts, the Rus- pinis, the Coopers, and Munroes, are all equally entitled to public approbation, particularly if we may credit the letters from the various persons who authenticate the miraculous cures they have performed in the most inveterate, we had almost said, the most impossible, cases. Tf those persons are really in existence (and who can doubt it ?) they certainly have occasion to be thank- ful for their escapes, and we congratulate them ; for in our es- timation Quack Doctors seem to consider the human frame merely as a subject for experiments, which if successful will secure the reputation of the practitioner. The acquisition of fame and fortune is, in the estimation of these philosophers, cheaply pur- chased by sacrificing the lives of a few of the vulgar, to whom they prescribe gratis ; and the slavish obedience of some patients to the Doctor, is really astonishing. It is said that a conva- lescent at Bath wrote to his Physician in London, to know whe- ther he might eat sauce with his pork ; but we have not been able to discover whether he expected an answer gratis ; that would per- haps have been an experiment not altogether grateful to the Doc- tor's feelings. The practice of advertising and billing the town has become so common, that a man scarcely opens a coal-shed, or a potatoe- stall, without giving due notice of it in the newspapers, and dis- tributing hand-bills : and frequently with great success. But our Doctors, who make no show of their commodities, have no mode of making themselves known without it. Hence the quan- tity of bills thrust into the hand of the passenger through the MEDICAL QUACKS. 159 They now attended the Keeper, who explained the age, height, weight, species, size, power, and streets of London, which divulge the almost incredible per- formances of their publishers. A high-sounding name, such as The Chevalier de Chamant, the Chevalier de Ruspini, or The Medical Board, well bored behind and before, are perhaps more necessary, with a few paper puffs as " palpable hitt, my Lord," than either skill or practice, to obtain notice and secure fame. The CHEVALIER DE CHAMANT, who was originally a box-maker, and a man of genius, considering box-making a plebeian occupa- tion, was for deducing a logical position, not exactly perhaps by fair argument, but at all events through the teeth, and waa de- termined, although he could not, like Dr. Pangloss, mend the cacology of his friends, at least to give them an opportunity for plenty of jaw-work. With this laudable object in view, he obtain- ed a patent for making artificial teeth of mineral paste ; and in his advertisements condescended not to prove their utility as substi- Btutes for the real teeth, when decayed or wanting, (this was be- neath his notice, and would have been a piece of mere plebeian Quackery unworthy of his great genius,) but absolutely assured the world that his mineral teeth were infinitely superior to any produc- tion of nature, both for mastication and beauty ! How this was relished we know not ; but he declared (and he certainly ought to know) that none but silly and timid persons would hesitate for one moment to have their teeth drawn, and substitute his mine- rals : and it is wonderful to relate, that although his charges were enormous, and the operation (as may be supposed) not the most pleasant, yet people could not resist the ingenious Cheva- lier's fascinating and drawing puffs ; in consequence of wlu'ch he soon became possessed of a large surplus of capital, with which he determined to speculate in the Funds. For this purpose he employed old Tom Bisn, the Stock- broker, to purchase stock for the amount ; but owing to a sud- den fluctuation in the market, a considerable depreciation took place between the time of purchase and that of payment; a cir- 160 MEDICAL QUACKS. propensities of the animal, and then departed on their road towards Temple Bar, on passing cumstance which made the Chevalier grin and show his teeth: Determining however, not to become a victim to the fangs of Bulk and Bears, but rather to dive like a duck, he declared the bargain was not legal, and that he would not be bound by it. Bish upon this occasion proved a hard-mouthed customer to the man of teeth, and was not a quiet subject to be drawn, but brought an action against the mineral monger, and recovered the debt. Tom's counsel, in stating the case, observed, that the Defendant would find the law could bite sharper and hold tighter than any teeth he could make ; and so it turned out. The CHEVALIER DE R SP w is another character who has cut no small figure in this line, but has recently made his ap- pearance in the Gazette, not exactly on so happy an occasion as such a circumstance would bu to his brother chip, Dr. D n 11, now (we suppose) Sir Francis though perhaps equally entitled to the honour of knighthood. The Chevailer has for some years looked Royalty in the face by residing opposite Carlton House, and taken every precaution to let the public know that such an important public character was there to be found, by displaying his name as conspicuously as possible on brass plates, &c. so that the visitors to Carlton House could hardly fail to notice him as the second greatest Character of that great neighbourhood. But what could induce so great a man to sport his figure in the Gazette, is as unaccountable as the means by which he obtained such happy celebrity. Had it occurred im- mediately after the war, it might have been concluded without much stretch of imagination, that the Chevalier, who prides him- self on his intimacy with all the great men of the day, had, through the friendship of the Duke of Wellington, made a contract for the teeth and jaw-bones of all who fell at the battle of Waterloo and that by bringing to market so great a stock at one time, the article had fallen in value, and left the speculating Chevalier so great a loser as to cause his bankruptcy. Whether such is the real cause or not, it is difficult to ascertain what could induce th* MEDICAL (NOT TAILORS') HOARDS. 101 through which, they were overtaken again by Sir Francis, in a gig drawn by a dun-coloured horse, Chevalier to descend from his dealings with the htad to dabble with lower commodities. Among other modes of obtaining notoriety, usually resorted to by Empirics, the Chevalier used tojoS a very genteel carriage and pair, but his management was so excellent, that the expenses of his equipage were very trifling ; for as it was not intended to run, but merely to stand at the door like a barker at a broker's shop, or a direction-post, he had the loan on very moderate terms, the job- master taking into account that the wind of the cattle was not likely to be injured, or the wheels rattled to pieces by velocity, or smashed by any violent concussion. The Chevalier had a Son, who unfortunately was not endowed by nature with so much ambition or information as his father ; for, frequently when the carriage has been standing at the door, he has been seen drinking gin most cordially with Coachee, without once thinking of the evils of example, or recollecting that he was one of the family. Papa used to be very angry on these occasions, because, as he said, it was letting people know that Coachee was only hired as aj'ofr, and not as a family domestic. For the great benefit ajjd advantage of the community, Medi- cal Boards have recently been announced in various parts of the Metropolis, where, according to the assertions of the Principals, in their advertisements, every disease incident to human nature Js treated by men of skilful practice ; and among these truly useful establishments, those of l)rs. Cooper, Munro, and Co. of Charlotte house, Blackfriars, and Woodstock-bouse, Oxford- road, are not the least conspicuous. Who these worthies are, it is perhaps difficult tq ascertain. One thing however is certain, that Sir F s C e JX 3 H, M. D. is announced as Trea- surer, therefore there can, be no doubt but that all is fair above \toard, for " Brutus is an. honourable man, So are they all -all, honourable men." ty>d where *> much skill derived troiu ^xperienc*? i* 162 " GALANTIE SHOW," TURN*D DOCTOR O ! with his puppy between his legs, and a servant by his side, and immediately renewed the previous conversation. it cannot be doubted but great and important benefits may result to a liberal and enlightened people. Of the establishment itself we are informed by a friend, that having occasion to call on the Treasurer, upon some business, the door was opened by a copper- coloured servant, at good-looking young Indian not a fuscut Hydaspes, but a serving man of good appearance, who ushered him up stairs, and introduced him to the front room on the first floor, where all was quackery, bronze and brass, an electrical machine, images, pictures and diplomas framed and glazed, and a table covered with books and papers. In a short time, a person of very imposing appearance entered the room, with his hair pro- fusely powdered, and his person, from his chin to his toes, enve- loped in a sort of plaid roquelaure, who, apologizing for the absence of the Doctor, began to assure him of his being in the en- tire confidence of the Board, and in all probability would have proceeded to the operation of feeling the pulse in a very short time, had not the visitor discovered in the features of this disciple of Esculapius a person he had known in former times. ' Why, good God ! ' cried he, ' is that you ? What have you done with the Magic-lantern, and the Lecture on Heads ? am I right, or am I in fairy-land ? ' calling him by his name. It was in vain to hesi- tate, it was impossible to escape, the discovery was complete. It *as plain however that the dealer in magical delusions had not altogether given up the art of legerdemain, which, perhaps, he finds the most profitable of the two. Of the worthy Knight himself, (and perhaps the Coopers and Munros have been consumed by the electrical fluid of their own Board) much might be said. He is the inventor of a life- preserver, with which it may be fairly presumed he has effected valuable services to his country by the preservation of Royalty, as a proof of deserving the honour he has obtained. He is patriotic and independent, masonic and benevolent, a great admirer of fancy horses and fancy ladies, a curer of incurables. SUPERLATIVE MODESTY. JG3 " There he goes again," said Sparkle, " and a rare fellow he is too." and has recently published one of the most extraordinary Memoirs that has ever been laid before the public, embellished with two portraits : which of the two is most interesting must be left to the discrimination of those who view them. It must however be acknowledged, that after reading the following extract, ingratitude is not yet eradicated from our nature, since, notwithstanding he has obtained the dignified appellation of Sir Francis, the Gazette says, that " in future no improper person shall be admitted to the honour of knighthood, in consequence of two surreptitious presentations lately" the one an M. D. the other F.R. C. Surgeons, particularly if it were possible that this Gentleman may be one of the persons alluded to. For, what says the Memoir ? " The utility of Sir Francis's invention being thus fully establish- ed, and its ingenuity universally admired, it excited the interest of the flrst characters among the nobility, and an introduction to Court was repeatedly offered to Sir Francis on this account. After a previous communication with one of the Royal Family, and also with the Secretary of State, on the 14th June last, he had the honour of being presented to His Majesty, who, justly appreciating the merit of the discovery, was pleased to confer upon him the honour of knighthood. " Thus it is pleasing, in the distnbution of honours by the hanu of the Sovereign, to mark where they are conferred on real merit. This is the true intention of their origin ; but it has been too often departed from, and they have been given where no other title existed than being the friend of those who had influence to gain the Koyal ear. From the above statement, it will be seen this honour was conferred on Sir Francis by bis Majesty for an invention, which has saved since its discovery the lives of many hundreds, and which may be considered as having given the original idea to the similar inventions that have been attempted since that time. Its utility and importance we hare also seen acknowledged and rewarded by the two leading So 164 HARD PUFFING AND BLOWING. " I should think so," said BOB ; " he must have quacked to some good purpose, to obtain the honour of knighthood." cieties in this country, and perhaps in Europe, viz. the Royal Humane, and the Society of Arts. The Sovereign therefore was only recognizing merit which had been previously established ; and the honour of knighthood, to the credit of the individual, was conferred by his Majesty in the most liberal and handsome manner without any other influence being used by Sir Francis than simplj preferring the claim." Thus the subject of Knighthood is to be nursed ; and as the Doctor and the Nurse are generally to be recognized together, no one can read this part of the Memoir without exclaiming Well done, Nussey. But why not Gazetted, after this liberal and handsome manner of being rewarded ? or why an allusion to two surreptitious presentations, the names of which two persons, so pointedly omitted, cannot well be misunderstood ? This is but doing things by halves, though no such an obsei \ation can be applied to the proceedings of Charlotte-house, where Cooper, Muuro, and Co. (being well explained) means two or three per- sons, viz. a black, a white man, and a mahogany-coloured Knight a barber by trade, and a thinner by company a dealer in mer- curialsa puff by practice and an advertiser well versed in all the arts of his prototype a practitioner in panygyric the puff direct the puff preliminary the puff collateral the puff col- lusive and the puff oblique, or puff by implication. Whether this will apply to Sir Charles Althis or not, is perhaps not so easy to ascertain ; but as birds of a feather like to flock together, so these medical Knights in misfortune deserve to be noticed in the same column, although the one is said to be a Shaver, and the other a Quaker. It seems they have both been moved by the same spirit, and both follow (a good way off) the profession of medicine. Among the various improvements of these improving times, for we are still improving, notwithstanding complaint, a learned $ttle Penl, inflated with gas, has suggested a plan for tb* MEDICAL ASSURANCE-OFFICE. 165 *' Not positively that," continued Sparkle ; " for to obtain and to deserve are not synonymous, and, if report say true, there is not much honour attached to his obtaining it. " In the modesty of fearful doty, I read as much as from the rattling tongue Of saucy and audacious eloquence : Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity, At least speak most to iny capacity." And, according to my humble conception, he who talks much about himself, or pays others to talk or write about him, is generally most likety to be least deserving of public patronage ; for if a man possesses real and evident abilities in any line of profession, the public will not be long in making a discovery of its existence, and the bounty, as is most usually the case, would quickly follow upon the heels of approbation. But many a meritorious man in the Metropolis is pining away his miserable existence, too proud to beg, and too honest to steal, while others, with scarcely more brains than establishment of a Medical Assurance-office, win-re person and property might be insured at so much per annum, and the advan- tages to be derived from such an Institution would be, that instead of the insurance increasing with years, it would grow less and less. How many thousand grateful patients would it n-lirvo annually ! but we fear it would be a daily source of sorrow to these knirjhtly medicals, and would by them be considered a dtrtliik hard cote. 166 KNIGHTLY MEDICALS. a sparrow, by persevering in a determination to leave no stone unturned to make themselves appear ridiculous, as a first step to popularity; and having once excited attention, even though it is merely to be laughed at by the thinking part of mankind, he finds it no great difficulty to draw the money out of their pockets while their eyes are riveted on a contemplation of his person or con- duct. And there are not wanting instances of effrontery that have elevated men of little or no capacity to dignified situations. If report say true, the present Secretary of the Admiralty, who is admirable for his poetry also, was originally a hair-dresser, residing somewhere in Blackfriar's or Westminster-road ; but then you must recollect he was a man who knew it was useless to lose a single opportunity ; and probably such has been the case with Sir Daniel Harlequin, who, from keeping a small shop in Wapping, making a blaze upon the water about his Life-preserver, marrying a wife with a red face and a full pocket, retired to a small cottage at Mile End, and afterwards esta- blishing a Medical Board, has got himself dubbed a Knight. To be sure he has had a deal of puffing and blowing work to get through in his progress, which probably accounts for his black looks, not a little increased by the quantity of powder he wears. But what have we here ?" finding the bustle of the streets- considerably increased after passing Temple Bar. " Some political Bookseller or other, in all BUFFERS AND DUFFERS. probability," said TOM" I'll step forward and see." And in passing through the numerous body of persons that crowded on every side, the whole party was separated. BOB, who had hung a little back while his two friends rushed forward, was lingering near the corner of the Temple : he was beckoned by a man across the way, to whom he immediately went. " Do you happen to want a piece of fine India silk handkerchiefs, Sir ? I have some in my pocket that I can recommend and sell cheap for money must be had ; but only keep it to yourself, because they are smuggled goods, of the best quality and richest pattern." During this opening speech, he was endeavouring to draw TALLYHO under the archway of Bell-yard, when Sparkle espying him, ran across to him, and taking him by the arm " Come along (said he ;) and if you don't take yourself off instantly, I'll put you in custody," shaking his stick at the other. All this was like Hebrew to BOB, who, for his part, really conceived the poor fellow, as he termed him, might be in want of money, and compelled to dispose of his article for subsistence. " Ha, ha, ha," cried Sparkle, " I see you know nothing about them : these are the locusts of the town." At this moment they were joined by the HOD. TOM DASHALL. "Egad!" continued Sparkle, "I just saved your Cousin from being trepanned, and sent for a soidier." 168 BUFFERS X'ND DUFFERS. TALLYHO appeared all amazement. " "What," cried TOM, " in the wars of Venus then, I suppose ? I know he has a fancy for astronomy, and probably he was desirous of taking a peep into Shire-lane, where he might easily find the Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars." " Ha ! ha ! ha.!" replied Sparkle, " not exactly so ; but I rescued him from the hands of a Buffer,* * Buffers miscalled Duffers 'Persons who adopt a species of swindling which is rather difficult of detection, though it is daily practised in London. The term Buffer takes its derivation from a custom which at one time prevailed of carrying Bandanas, sarsnets, French stockings, and silk of various kinds, next the shirts of the sellers ; so that upon making a sale, they were obliged to undress in order to come at the goods, or in other words, to strip to the skin, or buff it ; by which means they ob- tained the title of Buffers. This trade (if it may be so termed) is carried on in a genteel manner. The parties go about from house to house, and attend public-houses, inns, and fairs, pretending to sell smuggled goods, such as those already mentioned ; and by offering their goods for sale, they are enabled by practice to dis- cover the proper objects for their arts. Buffers, or Duffers, who are not rogues in the strict sense of the word, only ofl'er to sell their goods to the best advantage, and by this means evade the detection of the police, but are equally subversive or destructive of common honesty under a cloak or disguise ; for if they can persuade any person that the article offered is actually better or cheaper than any other person's, they are doing no more than every tradesman does ; but then as they pay no rent or taxes to the State, the principal objection to them lies in the mode of operation, and an overstrained recom- mendation of their goods, which are always, according to their account, of the most superior quality ; and they have a pecu- liar facility of discovering the novice or the silly, to whom walking up with a serious countenance and interesting air th*y EXTUK.MKS OF FORTUNE. 16 g who wourd doubtless have fleeced him in good style, if he could only have induced him to attend to his story. " The mob you see lected there," said the Hon. TOM DASHALL, " is attracted by two cir- cumstances Money's new Coronation Crop, just lanched and a broken image of a Highlander, at the door of a snuff-shop ; each of them truly important and interesting of course, the elevation of one man, and the destruction of another. The poor Scotchman seems dreadfully bruised, and I suppose is now under the Doctor's hands, for he has two or three plasters on his face." " Yes," continued Sparkle, " he has been out on a spree* had a bit of a turn-up, and been knock'd down." Upon hearing this conversation, TALLY HO could not help inquiring into the particulars. " Why the facts are simply as follows," con- tinued Sparkle " in London, as you perceive, broach the pleasing intelligence, that they have on sale an excel- lent article well worth their attention^ giving a caution at the same time, that honour and secrecy must be implicitly observed, or it may lead to unpleasantness to both parties. By these means persons from the country are frequently enticed into public-houses to look at their goods ; and if they do not succeed in one way, they are almost sure in another, by having an accomplice, who will not fail to praise the articles for sale, and propose some gambling scheme, by which the party is plundered of his money by passing forged Bank-notes, base silver or copper, in the course f their dealings. "* Sfir^eA. bit of fun, or a frolirsome lark. 170 SIGNS OF THE TIMES. tradesmen are in the habit of exhibiting signs of the business or profession in which they are en- gaged. The Pawnbroker decorates his door with three gold balls the Barber, in some places, (though it is a practice almost out of date) hangs out a long pole the Gold-beater, an arm with a hammer in the act of striking the Chemist, a head of Glauber, or Esculapius the Tobacconist, a rotl of tobacco, and of late it has become customary for these venders of pulverised atoms called snuff, to station a wooden figure of a Highlander, in the act of taking a pinch of Hardham's, or High-dried, as a sort of inviting introduction to their counters ; and a few nights back, a Scotchman, returning from his enjoyments at a neighbouring tavern, stopped to have a little friendly chat with this gentleman's Highlander, and by some means or other, I suppose, a quarrel ensued, upon which the animated young Scotchman took advantage of his countryman -floored him, broke both his arms, and otherwise did him considerable bodily injury, the effects of which are still visible ; and Johnny Bull, who is fond of a little gape-seed, is endea- vouring to console him under his sufferings." " Very kind of him, indeed," replied BOB. " At any rate," said TOM, " the Tobacconist will have occasion to be grateful to the Highlander* for some portion of his popularity." * It is matter of astonishment to some, but not less true, that uiany tradesmen in the Metropolis have to ascribe both fame DREADFUL RENCONTRE. 171 " Come," said Sparkle, " we are now m one of the principal thoroughfares of the Metropolis, and fortune to adventitious circumstances. It is said that Hard- ham, of Fleet Street, had to thank the celebrated Comedian, Foote, who, in one of his popular characters, introducing his snuff- box, offered a pinch to the person he was in conversation with on the stage, who spoke well of it, and inquired where he obtained it ? " Why, at Hardham's, to be sure." And to this apparently trifling circcmstance, Hardham was indebted for his fortune. The importance of a Highlander to a snuff-shop will appear by a perusal of the following fact : A very respestable young man, a Clerk in the office of an eminent Solicitor, was recently brought before Mr. Alderman Atkins, upon the charge of being disorderly. The prisoner, it seemed, on his return home from a social party, where he had been sacrificing rather too freely to -the jolly god, was struck with the appearance of a showy wooden figure of a Highlander, at the door of Mr. Micklan's snuff-shop, No. 12, Fleet Street. The young Attorney, who is himself a Scotchman, must needs claim acquaintance with his countryman. He chucked him familiarly under the chin, called him a very pretty fellow, and, in the vehemence of his affection, embraced him with so much vio- lence, as to force him from his station. Mr. Micklan ran to the assistance of his servant, and in the scuffle the unfortunate Highlander had both his arms dislocated, the frill that adorned his neck damaged, besides other personal injuries, which his living countryman not being in the humour to atone for, Mr. Micklan gave him in charge to the watchman. Before the Magistrate in the morning, the young man appeared heartily sick of his folly, and perfectly willing to make every reparation, but complained of the excessive demand, which he stated to be no less than thirteen guineas. Mr. Micklan produced the remains of the unfortunate Highlander, who excited a compound fracture of both arms, with a mutilation of three or four fingers, and surh other bodily wounds, as to render his perfect recovery, so as to resume his functions at Mr. Micklau's door, altogether hojn !<* 172 EXPENSIVE SPREE. Fleet Street, of which you have alreadv heard much, and is at all times thronged with multitudes of active and industrious persons, in pursuit of their various avocations, like a hive of bees, and keeping up, like them, a ceaseless hum. Nor is it less a scene of Real Life worth viewing, than the more refined haunts of the noble, the rich, and the great, many of whom leave their splendid habitations in The Highlander, the complainant stated, cost him thirteen guineas, and was entirely new. The sum might seem large for the young gentleman to pay for such a frolic, but it would not compensate him for the injury he should sustain by the absence of the figure 4 for, however strange it might appear, he did not hesitate to say, that without it he should not have more than half his business. Since he had stationed it at his door, he had taken on an average thirty shillings a day more than he had done previous to exhibiting his attractions. There being no proof of a breach of the peace, Mr. Alderman Atkins advised the gentleman to settle the matter upon the best terms he could. They withdrew together, and on their return the complainant reported that the gentleman had agreed to take the figure, and furnish him with a new one. Mr. Alderman Atkins, in discharging the prisoner, recommended to him to get the figure repaired, and make a niche for him in his office, where, by using it as a proper memorial, it would probably save him more than it cost him. The broken figure has since been exhibited in his old station, and excited considerable notice ; but we apprehend he is not yet able to afford all the attractions of his occupation, for he has for- merly been seen inviting his friends to a pinch of snuff gratis, by holding a box actually containing that recreating powder in his hand, in the most obliging and condescending manner, a mark of politeness and good breeding well worthy of respectful at- tention. THE YOUNG -C1T. 173 the West in the morning, to attend the money- getting, commercial men of the City, and transact their business. The dashing young spendthrift to borrow at any interest; and the more pru- dent, to buy or to sell. The plodding tradesman, the ingenious mechanic, are exhausting their time in endeavours to realize property, perhaps to be left for the benefit of a Son, who as ardently sets about, after his Father's decease, to get rid of it nay, perhaps, pants for an opportunity of doing this before he can take possession ; for the young Citizen, having lived just long enough to conceive himself superior to his father, in violation of filial duty and natural authority, affects an aversion to every thing that is not novel, expensive, and sin- gular. He is a lad of high spirit ; he calls the city a poor dull prison, in which he cannot bear to be confined ; and though he may not intend to mount his nag, stiffens his cravat, whistles a sonata, to which his whip applied to the boot forms an ac- companiment ; while his spurs wage war with the flounces of a fashionably-dressed belle, or come occasionally in painful contact with the full- stretched stockings of a gouty old gentleman; by all which he fancies he is keeping up the dig- nity and importance of his character. He does not slip the white kid glove from his hand without convincing the spectator that his hand is the whiter skin ; nor twist his fingers for the introduction of a pinch of Maccaba, without displaying U the best advantage his beautifully chased ring and 174 THE YOUNG CIT elegantly painted snuff-box lid ; nor can the hour of the day be ascertained without discovering his engine-turned repeater, and hearing its facinating music : then the fanciful t;hain, the precious stones in golden robes, and last of all, the family pride described in true heraldic taste and naivete. Of Peter Pindar's opinion, that " Care to our coffin adds a nail, But every grin so merry draws one out/' He thinks it an admirable piece of politeness and true breeding to give correct specimens of the turkey or the goose in the serious scenes of a dramatic representation, or while witnessing her Ladyship's confusion in a crowd of carriages combating for precedence in order to obtain an early appearance at Court. Reading he considers quite a bore, but attends the reading-room, which he enters, not to know what is worth reading and add a little knowledge to his slender stock from the labours and experience of men of letters no, but to quiz the cognoscenti, and. throw the incense over its learned atmosphere from his strongly perfumed cambric handkerchief, which also implies what is most in use for the indulgence of one of the five senses. When he enters a coffee-room, it is not for the purpose of meeting an old friend, and to enjoy with him a little rational conversation over his viands, but to ask for every newspaper, and throw them aside without looking at them to call the Waiter loudly by his name, and shew OF THE NEW SCHOOL. 175 authority to contradict an unknown speaker who is in debate with others, and declare, upon the honour of a gentleman and the veracity of a scho- lar, that Pope never understood Greek, nor trans- lated Homer with tolerable justice. He consider^ it a high privilege to meet a celebrated pugilist at an appointed place, \.Q floor him for a quid* a fall, and a high delight to talk of it after\\ ards for the edification of his friends to pick up a Cyprian at mid-day to stare modest women out of counte- nance to bluster at a hackney-coachman or to upset a waterman in the river, in order to gain the fame of a Leander, and prove himself a Hero. " He rejects all his father's proposed arrange- ments for his domestic comforts and matrimonial alliance. He wanders in his own capricious fancy, like a fly in summer, over the fields of feminine beauty and loveliness ; yet he declares there is so much versatility and instability about the fair sex, that they are unworthy his professions of regard ; and, perhaps, in his whole composition, there is nothing deserving of serious notice but his good- nature. Thus you have a short sketch of a young Citizen." " Upon my word, friend Sparkle, you are an admirable delineator of Society," said DAS HALL. " My drawings are made from nature," conti- nued Sparkle. " Aye, and very naturally executed too," replied TOM. Quid 176 STREET-WALKING INCIDENTS Having kept walking on towards St. Paul's, they were by this time near the end of Shoe Lane, at the corner of which sat an elderly woman with a, basket of mackerel for sale ; and as they approached they saw several persons rush from thence into the main street in evident alarm. " Come up, d n your eyes," said an ill-favoured fellow with an immense cudgel in his fist, driving an ass laden with brick-dust, with which he was belabouring him most unmercifully. The poor beast, with an endeavour to escape if possible the cudgelling which awaited him, made a sudden turn round the post, rubbing his side against it as he went along, and thereby relieving himself of his load, which he safely deposited, with a cloud of brick-dust that almost blinded the old woman and those who were near her, in the basket of fish. Neddy then made the best of his way towards Fleet-market, and an over-drove bullock, which had terrified many persons, issued almost at the same moment from Shoe Lane, and took the direction; for Temple-bar. The whistling, the hooting, the hallooing, and the running of the drovers in pur- suitmen, women, and children, scampering to get out of the way of the infuriated beast the noise and rattling of carriages, the lamentations of the poor fish-fag, and the vociferations of the : onkey-driver to recover his neddy together with a combination of undistingwshable sounds from a variety of voices, crying their articles for sale, or announcing their several occupations formed a ALL IN CONFUSION. 177 contrast of characters, situations, and circuro stances, not easily to be described. Here, a poor half-starved and almost frightened-to-death brat of a Chimney-sweeper, in haste to escape, had run against a lady whose garments where as white as snow there, a Barber had run against a Parson, and falling along with him, had dropped a pot of pomatum from his apron-pocket on the reverend gentleman's eye, and left a mark in perfect unison with the colo7ir of his garments before the dis- aster, but which were now of a piebald nature, neither black nor white. A barrow of nuts, over- turned in one place, afforded fine amusement for the scrambling boys and girls a Jew old clothes- man swore upon his conscience he had losht the pest par gain vhat he ever had offered to him in all his lifetime, by dem tamd bears of bull-drivers & Sailor called him a gallows half-hung ould crimp* * Crimp Kidnappers, Trappers, or Procurers of men for the Merchant Service ; and the East-India company contract with them for a supply of sailors to navigate their ships out and home. These are for the most part Jews, who have made ad- vances to the sailors of money, clothes, victuals, and lodgings, generally to a very small amount, taking care to charge an enor- mous price for every article. The poor fellows, by these means, are placed under a sort of espionage, if not close confinement, till the ship is ready to receive them ; and then they are conducted on ward at Gravesend by the Crimp and his assistants, and a receipt taken for them. In this process there is nothing very reprehensible the men want births, and have no money the Crimp keeps a lodging- house, and wishes to be certain of his man : he therefore take* 178 LOSSES AND CROSSES. d d his eyes if he was not glad of it, and, witft a sling of his arm, deposited an enormous quid he had in his mouth directly in the chaps of the Israelite, then joined the throng in pursuit ; while the Jew, endeavouring to call Stop thief, took more of the second-hand quid than agreed with the delicacy of his stomach, and commenced a vomit, ejaculating with woful lamentations, that he had lost his bag mit all his propertish. The old mackarel-woman, seeing her fish covered with brick-dust, sat off in pursuit of the limping donkey-driver, and catching him by the him into the house, and after a very small supply of cash, the grand do, is to persuade him to buy watches, buckles, hats, and jackets, to be paid for on his receiving his advance previous to sailing. By this means and the introduction of grog, the most barefaced and unblushing robberies have been committed. With the same view of fleecing the unwary poor fellows, who " at sea earn their money like horses, To squander it idly like asses on shore," They watch their arrival after the voyage, and advance small sums of money upon their tickets, or perhaps buy them out and out, getting rid at the same time of watches, jewellery, and such stuff, at more than treble their real value. Not only is this the case in London, but at all the out-ports it is practised to a very great extent, particularly in war time. Happy would it be for poor Jack were this all ; he is some- times brought in indebted to the Crimp to a large nominal amount, by what is called a long-shore attorney, or more appro- priately, a black shark, and thrown into jail ! ! ! There he lies until his body is wanted, and then the incarcerator negociates with him for his liberty, to be permitted to enter on bonrd again FLAT-CATCHING. 179 neck, swore he should pay her for the fish, and brought him back to the scene of action ; but, in the mean time, the Street-keeper had seized and carried off the basket with all its contents mis- fortune upon misfortune ! " D n your ass, and you too," said the Fish- woman, if you doesn't pay me for my fish, I'll quod* you that there's all vat I ar got to say." " Here's a bit of b dy gammon don't you see as how I am lost both my ass and his cargo, and if you vont leave me alone, and give me my bags again, I'll sarve you out there now, that's all bl st me ! fair play's a jewel let go my hair, and don't kick up no rows about i* see vhat a mob you're a making here can't you sell your uiackarel ready sauced, and let me go ater Neddy?" " Vhat, you thinks you are a flat- catching, -\ do you, Limping Billy but eh, who has run away with my basket of fish 1 " " Ha, ha, ha," cried Limping Billy, bursting into a horse-laugh at the additional distress of the old woman, in which he was joined by many of the surrounding spectators ; and which so enraged her, that she let go her hold, and bursting through the crowd with an irresistible strength, increased * Quod A Jail to quod a person is to send him to jail. t Flat-catching Is an expression of very common use, and seems almost to explain itself, being the act of taking advantage of any person who appears ignorant and unsuspicious. 180 RUM CUSTOMERS. almost to the fury of madness by her additions loss, she ran some paces distance in search of, not only her stock in trade, but her shop, shop-board, and working-tools ; while the donkey-driver bois- terously vociferated after her" Here they are six a shilling, live mackarel O." This taunt of the brick-dust merchant was too much to be borne, and brought her back again with a determination to chastise him, which she did in a summary way, by knocking him back- wards into the kennel. Billy was not pleased at this unexpected salute, called her a drunken b , and endeavoured to get out of her way " for," said he, " I know she is a b dy rum customer when she gets lushy"* At this moment, a sturdy youth, about sixteen or seventeen years of age, was seen at a short distance riding the runaway- ass back again. Billy perceiving this, became a little more reconciled to his rough usage swore he never would strike a voman, so help him G d, for that he was a man every inch of him ; and as for Mother Mapps, he'd be d nd if he vouldnt treat her with all the pleasure of life ; and now he had got his own ass, he vould go along with her for to find her mackarel. Then shaking a cloud of brick-dust from the dry parts of his apparel, with sundry portions of mud from those parts which had most easily reached the kennel, he took the bridle of his donkey, and bidding her come Iiw/ty l>runk. A GENTEEL HOP. 181 along, they toddled* together to a gin-shop in Shoe Lane. Desirous of seeing an end to this bit of gig " Come along," said Sparkle, " they'll all be in prime twig presently, and we shall have some fun. " I'm the boy for a bit of a bobbery, Nabbing- a lantern, or milling a pane ; A jolly good lark is not murder or robbery, Let us be ready and nimble." Hark, (said he) there's a fiddle-scraper in the house here goes ;" and immediately they entered. They had no occasion to repent of their move- ments ; for in one corner of the tap-room sat Billy Waters, a well-known character about town, a Black Man with a wooden leg was fiddling to a Slaughterman from Fleet-market, in wooden shoes, who, deck'd with all the paraphernalia of his occu- pation, a greasy jacket and night-cap, an apron besmeared with mud, blood, and grease, nearly an inch thick, and a leathern girdle, from which was suspended a case to hold his knives, and his sleeves tuck'd up as if he had but just left the slaughter- house, was dancing in the centre to the infinite amusement of the company, which consisted of an old woman with periwinkles and crabs for sale in a basket a porter with his knot upon the table a dustman with his broad-flapped hat, and his bell * Toddle To toddle is to walk slowly, cither from infirmity or choice'' Come, let us toddle," is a very familiar phrase, sisn''' ing let us be going. MAX AND MUSIC. by his side an Irish hodman and two poor girls, who appeared to be greatly taken with the black fiddler, whose head was decorated with an oil- skinned cock'd hat, and a profusion of many coloured feathers : on the other side of the room sat a young man of shabby-genteel appearance, reading the newspaper with close attention, and puffing forth volumes of smoke. Limping Billy and Mother Mapps were immediately known, and room was made for their accommodation, while the fiddler's elbow and the slaughterman's wooden shoes were kept in motion. Max* was the order of the day, and the sluicery\ in good request. Mother Mapps was made easy by being informed the Street-keeper had her valu- ables in charge, which Limping Billy promised he would redeem. " Bring us a noggin of white * Max A. very common term for gin. f Sluicery A gin-shop or public-house : so denominated from the lower orders of society sluicing their throats as it were with gin, and probably derived from the old song entitled " The Christening of Little Joey," formerly sung by Jemmy Dodd, of facetious memory. " And when they had sluiced their gobs With striving to excel wit, The ladt began to hang their nol,* And tip their frowt* the velvet 6 Ndbt Heads. b .Fro!/,* 'Originally a Dutch word, meaning wives, or girls. Velvet The tongue. MAX AND MUSIC. 183 tape* and fill me a pipe," said he" dn my eyes, I knowed as how it voiid be all right enough, I never gets in no rows whatever without getting myself out again come, ould chap,-\ vet your visile, and tip it us rum go it my kiddy, that ares just vat I likes" " Vat's the reason I an't to have a pipe ? " said Mother Mapps. " Lord bless your heart," said the Donkey- driver, " if I did'nt forget you, never trust me * here, Landlord, a pipe for this here Lady." " Which way did the bull run ?" said the Irish- man. " Bl st me if I know," replied Limping Billy, for I was a looking out for my own ass let's have the Sprig of Shelalah, ould Blacky moor come, tune up." . The old woman being supplied with a pipe, and the fiddler having rosined his nerves with a glass of blue ruiri\. to it they went, some singing, some whistling, and others drumming with their hands upon the table ; while TOM, BOB, and Sparkle, taking a seat at the other side of the room, ordered a glass of brandy and water each, and enjoyed the merriment of the scene before them, perhaps more * White Tape Also a common term for gin, particularly among the Ladies. t Ould Chap, or Ould Boy Familiar terms of address among flash lads, being a sort of contraction of old acquaintance or old friend. I Blue HumGin. 184 UNAVOIDABLE REELING. than those actually engaged in it. BOB was alive to every movement and every character, for it was new, and truly interesting : and kept growing more so, for in a few minutes Limping Billy and Mother Mapps joined the Slaughterman in the dance, when nothing could be more grotesque and amusing. Their pipes in their mouths clap- ping of hands and snapping of fingers, formed a curious accompaniment to the squeaking of the fiddle the broad grin of the Dustman, and the preposterous laugh of the Irishman at the reelers in the centre, heightened the picture more gin- more music, and more tobacco, soon had a visible effect upon the party, and reding became una- voidable. The young man reading the paper, found it impossible to understand what he was perusing, and having finished his pipe and his pint, made his exit, appearing to have no relish for the entertain- ment, and perhaps heartily cursing both the cause and the effect. Still, however, the party was not reduced in number, for as one went out another came in. This new customer was a young-looking man, bearing a large board on a high pole, announcing the residence of a Bug-destroyer in the Strand. His appearance was grotesque in the extreme, and could only be equalled by the eccentricities of his manners and conversation. He was dressed in a brown coat, close buttoned, over which he had a red camlet or stuff surtout, apparently the oft- AMATEURS AND ACTORS 185 cast of some theatrical performer, but with a determination to appear fashionable ; for *f Folks might as well be dead nay buried too, As not to dress and act as others do." He wore mustachios, a pair of green spectacles, and his whole figure was surmounted with a fur- cap. Taking a seat directly opposite oig party at the same table" Bring me a pint," said he ; and then deliberately searching his pockets, he pro- duced a short pipe and some tobacco, with which he filled it " You see," said he, " I am obliged to smoke according to the Doctor's orders, for an asthma so I always smokes three pipes a day, that's my allowance ; b*ut I can eat more than any man in the room, and can dance, sing, and act nothing comes amiss to me, all the players takes their characters from me." After this introduction You are a clever fel- low, I'll be bound for it," said DAS HALL. " O yes, I acts Rirhard the Third sometimes sometimes Macbeth and Tom Thumb. I have played before Mr. Kean : then I acted Richard the Third' Give me a horse ! '(starting into the mid- dle of the room)' no, stop, not so let me see, let me see, how is it? ah, this is the way Give me a horse Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! then you know I dies." And down he fell on the floor, which created a ge- neral roar of laughter; while Billy Waters struck up, " See the conquering Hero comes ! " to the in- expressible delight of all around him tin T fee and hands all going at the same time. 2 A 186 A WILL-KNOWN CHARACTER. Mother Mapps dropp'd her pipe, and d d the weed, it made her sick, she said. Limping Billy was also evidently in queer-street. " Come," said Sparkle, " won't you have a drop more?" " Thank ye, Sir," was the reply ; and Sparkle, intent upon having his gig out, ordered a fresh supply, which soon revived the fallen hero of Bosworth-field, and Richard was himself again. " Now," said he, " I'll sing you a song," and immediately commenced as follows : ' My name's Hookey Walker, I'm known very well, In acting and eating I others excel ; The player-folks all take their patterns from me, And a nice pattern too ! Don't you see ? don't you se* ! Oh ! [glancing at his fingers] It will do it will do. At Chippenham born, I was left quite forlorn, When my father was dead and my mother was gone ; So I came up to London, a nice little he, And a nice pattern too ! Don't you see? don't you sec ! Oh ! it will do it will do. A courting I went to a girl in our court, She laugh'd at my figure, and made me her sport ; I was cut to the soul, so said I on my knee, I'm a victim of love ! Don't you see? don't you ee ? Oh i it won't do it won't do. Now all day I march to and fro in the street, And a candle sometimes on my journey I eat ; So I'll aet you a pattern, if you'll but agree, And a nice pattern too ! you shall see you shall sec. Oh ! it will do it will do.* This Song, which he declared was all made out of his own head, was sung with grotesque action and CHAMPIONSHIP. 187 ridiculous grimace, intended no doubt in imitation of Mr. Wilkinson in his inimitable performance of this strange piece of whimsicality. The dancing party was knock'd up and were lobbing their lollys* half asleep and half awake, on the table, bowing as it were to the magnanimous influence of Old Tom.-\ The Dustman and the Irishman laugh'd heartily; and DASHALL, TALLYHO, and Sparkle, could not resist the impulse to risibility when they contemplated the group before them. The Bug-destroyer munched^, a candle and sluiced^ his greasy chops \\ with Jacky ^f almost as fast as they could supply him with it, when Sparkle per- ceiving the boy was still at the door with the run- away ass, " Come," said he, " we'll start 'em off home in high style here, you Mr. Bugman, can you ride T " Ride, aye to be sure I can, any of Mr. Astley's horses as well as the Champion of England,"** was the reply. Lobbing their lollyt Laying their heads. t Old Tom It is customary in public-houses and gin-shop* in London and its vicinity to exhibit a cask inscribed with large letters-OLD TOM, intended to indicate the best in in the house. J Munched Eat | Sluiced Washed. See Sluicery. || Chops The mouth. f Jacky A vulgar term for gin. ** Any person would almost suspect that Hookey had been reading the newspapers by this allusion ; but that certainly 188 THE "TAILOR TO BRENTFORD," AT ASTLEY'S. " Come, then," continued Sparkle, " anothef glass half-a-crown to ride to the bottom of the lane and up Holborn-hill on that donkey at the door, and you shall be our Chamoion." . " A bargain ~ a bargain," said the assumed Hookey Walker, rubbing the tallow from his gills* could not be the case, for, spurning all education in early life, this representative of the immortal bard this character of cha- racters from Shakespeare, could neither read nor write, but made all he acted, as he said, from his own head : however, it may fairly be presumed, that in the course of his travels during the day he had heard something of the Champion intended to appear at the approaching Coronation, of whom the following account has re- cently been circulated through the daily press, and, with his usual consistency, conceived his own innate abilities equal to those which might be acquired by Mr. Dymocke, though his claims were not equally honourable or advantageous. Mr. Dymocke, the nephew of the gentleman (who is a Clergy- man) entitled by hereditary right to do the service of .the Champion to his Majesty, is still in hopes he may be permitted to act under his Uncle's nomination, although he wants a few months of being of age. A petition is before the King on the subject ; and Mr. Dymocke, by constant practice at Astley's Riding-school, is en- deavouring to qualify himself for the due 1'ullilmcnt of the office. On Thursday he went through his exercise in a heavy suit of armour with great celerity. The horse which will be rode by the Champion has been selected from Mr. Astley's troop. It is a fine animal, pieballed black and white, and, is regularly exercised in the part he will have to perform. Walk in walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, just going to begin come, Mr. Merry man, all ready Ladies and Gentlemen, please to observe, this here horse is not that there horse : " So we laugh at John Boll a little." GttU- -The mouth. SUPERSEDED BY MR. DYMOCKE. 189 " Here goes then," said Sparkle ; then slipping half-a-crown into the boy's hand, desiring him to run as far as the Traveller-office, in Fleet- street, and get him a newspaper, promising to take care of his ass till his return. The lad nib- bled the bait, and was off in a pig's whisper.* Sparkle called to TOM and BOB, and putting them tip to his scheme, Hookey was quickly mounted, while DAS HALL and his Cousin, assist- ed by the Hibernian and Dttst-ho, succeeded in getting Mother Mapps out, who was placed in the front of the Champion, astride, with her face towards him and Limping B'l'y, who though beat to a stand still,^ was after some difficulty lifted up behind. Hookey was then supplied with his board, the pole of which he placed on his foot, in the manner of a spear or lance. Then giving the Irishman and the Dustman some silver, to act as Supporters or Esquires, one on each side, they proceeded along Shoe-lane, preceded by Billy Waters flourishing his wooden-leg and feathers, and fiddling as he went t j) e Irishman roaring out with Stentorian lungs, " Sure won't you hear What roaring oheer Was spread at Paddy's wedding O, * Pig's Whisper A very common term for speed, t Beat to a dead stand still Mews completely unable to assist himself. 190 A GRAND SPECTACLE. And how so gay They spent the day, From the churching- to the bedding O. First book in hand came Father Quipcs, With the Bride's dadda, the Bailey O, While all the way to church the pipe* Struck up a jilt so gaily O. " Kim ap be after sitting fast ia the front there, old Mapps, or you'll make a mud-lard of yourself." The Dustman rang his bell ; and thus accompanied with an immense assemblage of boys, girls, men, women, and children, collected from all the courts and alleys in the neighbourhood, joining in a chorus of shouts that rent the air, poor Balaam continued to bear his load ; while our party, after watching them till nearly out of sight, passed down Harp- alley into Fleet-market, and turning to the right, very soon regained Fleet-Street, laughing heartily at the bull's cookery of mackarel buttered with brick- dust, and very well satisfied with their spree. Engaged in conversation upon this adventure, they found nothing of interest or amusement to attract their notice till they arrived at the ware- house of the London Genuine Tea Company, except merely remarking the grand appearance of St. Paul's, from that situation. " Genuine tea," said BOB ; " what can that mean Is tea any thing but tea ? " " To be sure it is," said Sparkle, " or has been ADULTERATIONS. 191 any thing but tea"* strongly marking the latter part of the sentence as he spoke it : " horse-beajis have been converted to coffee, and sloe-leaves have been transformed into tea ; hog's lard has Tea, and Coffee The adulteration of articles of human food is a practice of the most nefarious description, and cannot be too strongly deprecated, although it has been carried to an alarm- ing extent. There is scarcely an article of ordinary consumption but has been unlawfully adulterated, and in many cases rendered injurious by the .infamous and fraudulent practice of interested persons. Bread, which is considered to be the staff of life, and beer and ale the universal beverage of the people of this country, are known to be frequently mixed with drugs of the most perni- cious quality. Gin, that favourite and heart-inspiring cordial of the lower orders of society, that it may have the grip, or the appearance of being particularly strong, is frequently adulterated with the decoction of long pepper, or a small quantity of aqua- fortis, a deadly poison. Sugar has been known to be mixed with sand ; and tobacco, for the public-houses, undergoes a process for making* it strong and intoxicating ; but the recent discovery of the nefarious practice of adulterating tea and coffee, articles of the most universal and extensive consumption, deserves particular reprehension. Tea has been adulterated by the introduction of dried sloe leaves ; the practice is not very new, but its extensive adoption, and the deleterious properties ascribed to them by physicians, have been, at length, successfully exposed by the conviction of many of the venders, so, it is hoped, as to prevent a repetition of the crime. The sloe leaf, though a spurious commodity when sold as tea, might afford a harmless vegetable infusion, and be recommended to the poor and frugal as a cheap succedaneum for the Chinese vegetable. The establishment of the Genuine Tea Company on Ludgatc-hill originated in th recent discoveries, promising to sc. nothing but the Unadulterated Tea, and it is sincerely to be hoped has done some good. 192 MORE IMPORTANT DISCOVElti ES. been manufactured for butter ; an ingenious gen- tleman wishes to persuade us Periwinkles* are young Lobsters; and another has proposed to extract sugar, and some say brandy, out of pea- shells ! London is the mart for inventions and discoveries of all kinds, and every one of its inha- bitants appears to have studied something of the art of Legerdemain, to catcii the eye and deceive the senses." * Sparkle appears to have been rather sceptical on the subject of Periwinkles being young Lobsters, though the opinion is not very new. A gentleman, whose indefatigable research appears to be deserving of encouragement and support, has recently issued the following advertisement, inviting the curious and the learned to inspect the result of his discoveries, which seems, at least, to 'warrant something more than conjecture. " J. Cleghorne having in his possession some specimens which prove, in his opinion, a circumstance before suggested, but treated by the scientific as a vulgar error, any known naturalist willing to view them, by noticing by letter, within a week, may have J. C attend with his specimens. The subject is a curious change in the formation of Lobsters from various species of the Winkle, the Winkle being considered the larvae. The only advantage J. C. desires from the communication is, the credit of advancing his proofs, and the stimulating further enquiry. A line addressed to J. Cleghorne, Architectural En- graver, No. 19, Chapman-street, Black-road, Islington, will have immediate attention." It is sincerely to be hoped that proper notice will be taken of this advertisement, for in times of general scarcity like the present, such a discovery might be turned to great national advantage, by the establishment of proper depots for the cultivation of lobsters, as we have preserves for game, &c. WOXDEKS OF CAST IKON AM) STKAM. 193 " Wonderful!" exclaimed BOB. " Not more wonderful than true," continued Sparkle ; " invention is always on the stretch in London. Here we have cast-iron Bridges* a cast-iron Sugar-house coaches running, and barges, packets, and sailing-boats navigated, by Steam.-f St. Paul's, as you perceive, without its Cast-iron has become an object of general utility. The Southwark or New London Bridge consists of three arches, the centre of which is a span of 240 feet, and the other two 210 feet each ; the Vauxhall Bridge consists of nine arches, over a width of 809 feet ; and it is a fact, that a Sugar-house is building with cast-iron floors, window-frames, and rafters, to prevent fire. Cast-iron holds fire and resists fire ; but it is probable that all its properties and powers are not yet discovered, and that we may *ome day 01 other witness the ascension of a cast-iron balloon inflated with sicam ! t Steam Here is a subject that evaporates as we approach ; it soars beyond finite comprehension, and appears to be inex- haustibleevery thing is done by it -machinery of every kind is set in motion by it -a newspaper of the most extensive circu- lation in the kingdom is printed by it, and the paper supplied sheet by sheet to receive the impression. Tcbacco is manufac- tured, and sausage-meat cut, by steam nay, a celebrated Vender of the latter article had asserted, that his machinery was in such a state of progressive improvement, that he had little doubt before long of making it supply the demands of his customers, and there- by save the expense of a Shopman ; hut, it is much to be regretted, his apparatus made sausage-meat of him before the accomplish- ment of his project. Considering the increasing, and by some Philosophers, almos overwhelming population of the country at the present moment, it is certainly an alarming circumstance, that when employment i* so much required, mechanical science should o coraptet supersede it to the injury of thousands, independent of the many who have lost theit live, by the blowing up of fteam fngmr 9 - B DASHING LlXEX-RA!'i.R. ball smoke burning itself, and money men's consciences." "Well done, Sparkle!" cried TOM; "your ideas seem to flow like gas, touch but the valve, and off you go ; and you are equally diffusive, for you throw a light upon all subjects." BOB was now suddenly attracted by a full view of himself and his friends at the further end of Everington's*shop, and without observing the other Tt is a malady however which must be left to our political (econo- mists, who will doubtless at the same time determine which would prove the most effectual remedy the recommendation of Mr. Malthus, to condemn the lower orders to celibacy the Jack Tars to a good war or the ministers to emigration. * If an estimate of the wealth or poverty of the nation were (o be formed from the appearance of the houses in the Metropolis, no one could be induced to believe that the latter had any exis- tence among us. The splendour and taste of our streets is in- describable, and the vast improvements in the West are equally indicative of the former. The enormous increase of rents for Shops, particularly in the leading thoroughfares of London, may in a great measure be attributed to the Linen-drapers. The usual method practised by some of these gentry, is to take a shop in the first-rate situa- tion, pull down the old front, and erect a new one, regardless f expense, a good outside being considered the first and in- dispensable requisite. This is often effected, either upon credit with a builder, or, if they have a capital of a few hundreds, it is all exhausted in external decorations. Goods are obtained upon credit, and customers procured by puffing advertisements, and exciting astonishment at the splendid appearance of the front. Thus the concern is generally carried on till the credit obtained has pxpir^d, !nd the wonder and novelty of the concern has evapo- rated ; when the stockist/// off at 30 per cent, under prime east fr the brnffrt nf the. ci editors ! This is 90 common an occurrence, OF TH NEW SCHOOL. persons about him, saw himself surrounded with spectators, unconscious of being in their company. that it is scarcely possible to walk through London any day in the year, without being attracted by numerous Linen-drapers' shops, whose windows are decorated with bills, indicating that they are actually selling off under prime cost, as the premises must be cleared in a few days. The most elegant Shop of this description in the Metropolis is supposed to be one not a hundred miles from Ludgate-hill, the front and fitting up of which alone is said to have cost several thousand pounds. The interior is nearly all of looking-glass, with gilt mouldings ; even the ceiling is looking-glass, from which is appended splendid cut-glass chandeliers, which when lighted give to the whole the brilliance of enchantment ; however it is not very easy to form an idea of what is sold, for, with the exception of a shawl or two carelessly thrown into the window, there is no- thing to be seen, (the stock being all concealed in drawers, cup- boards, &c.) except the decorations and the Dandy Shopmen, who parade up and down in a state of ecstacy at the reflection of their own pretty persons from every part of the premises ! This concealment of the stock has occasioned some laughable occurrences. It is said that a gentleman from the country acci- dentally passing, took it for a looking-glass manufactory, and went in to inquire the price of a glass. The Shopmen gathered round him with evident surprise, assured him of his mistake, and directed him to go to Blades,* lov:er down the Hill. The Countryman was not disconcerted, but, after surveying them some- what minutely, informed them it was glass be wanted, not cutlery ; but as for lladct, he thought there were enow there for one street, at least. Another is said to have been so pleased with a row of grotrs.|up Indian-China jars, which embellish one side of the entrance, and which he mistook for pots de c/iambre, that after returning home and consulting his rib, he sent an order per post for one of thr most elegant pattern to be forwarded to him ? A large Claw-manufacturer. 190 METROPOLITAN MAGIC. He look'd up he look'd down he gazed around him, and all was inconceivable light. Tom's allu- sion to the gas flashed upon him in a moment " What what is this?" said he'* where, in the name of wonder, am I ? " A flash of lightning could not have operated more suddenly upon him. " Why," said Spaikle, " don't you see ? " You arc no* here, for you are there," pointing to his reflection in the looking-glass. " Egad," said BOB, under evident surprise, and perhaps not without some apprehension they were playing tricks with him" I wish you would ex- plain is this a Drawing-room, or is it the Phan- tasmagoria we have heard so much of in the country?" No, no, it is not me Phantasmagoria, bur it forms a part of metropolitan magic, which you shall be better acquainted with before we part. That is no other than a Linen-draper's shop, There is a similiar Shop to this, though on a smaller scale, to be seen in a great leading thoroughfare at the West end of the Town ; the owner of which, from his swarthy complexion and ex- travagant mode of dress, has been denominated The Slack Prince, a name by which he is well known in his own neighbourhood, and among the gentlemen of the cloth. This dandy gentleman, who affects the dress and air of a military officer, has the egregious vanity to boast that the numerous families of rank and fashion who frequent his shop, arc principally attracted to view his eleganl oerson, and seems to consider that upon this principally depends fnc success of his trad**. IRISH PAPER-HANGING. 197 papered,' as an Irishman one day remarked, ' wid nothing at all at all but looking-glass, my dear' one of the most superb things of the kind that perhaps ever was seen But come, I perceive it is getting late, let us proceed directly to Dolly's, take our chop, then a rattler* and hey for the SPELL." t BOB appeared almost to be spell-bound at the moment, and, as they moved onward, could not help casting " One longing, lingering look behind." Rattler A. coach. f SW'l The Play-house : so denominated from its variety ttrac jsna, both before ana bcuud t>.o car urn. 198 HETEROGENEOUS MASS. CHAP. XII. " What various swains our motley walls contain ! Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick-lane , Bankers from Paper-buildings here resort, Bankrupts from Golden-square, and Riches-court ; From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain, Gulls from the Poultry, sots from Water-lane ; The lottery cormorant, the auction shark, The full-price master, and the half-price clerk ; Boys, who long linger at the gallery-door, With pence twice five, they want but twopence more, Till some Samaritan the twopence spares, And sends them jumping up the gallery-stairs. Critics we boast, who ne'er their malice baulk, But talk the* minds we wish they'd mind their talk , Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live, Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give ; Jews from St Mary-Axe, for jobs so wary, That for old clothes they'd even axe St, Mary ; And bucks with pockets empty as their pate, Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait. Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues ? Who's that calls " Silente" with such leathern lungs? He, who, in quest of quiet, " Silence" hoots, Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes," IN a iew minutes they entered Dolly's, whence, after partaking of a cheerful repast and an exhilarating glass of wine, a ooach conveyed them to Drury-lane. " Now," said the Hon. TOM DASH ALL, "I shall introduce you to a new scene in REAL LIFE, well worth your close observation. We have already ATTRACTION'S OF THE THEATRE. 199 taken a promiscuous ramble from the West towards the East, and it has afforded some amusement ; but our stock is abundant, and many objects of curio- sity are still in view." " Yes, yes," continued Sparkle, " every day produces novelty ; for although London itself is always the same, the inhabitants assume various forms, as inclination or necessity may induce or compel. The Charioteer of to-day, dashing along with four in hand, may be an inhabitant of the King's-bench to-morrow, and but here we are, and Marino Faliero is the order of the night.. The character of its author is so well known, as to require no observation ; but you will be introduced to a great variety of other characters, both in High and Low Life, of an interesting nature." By this time they had alighted, and were enter- ing the House. The rapid succession of carriages arriving with the company, the splendour of the equipages, the general elegance of the dresses, and the blazing of the lamps, alternately became objects of attraction to BOB, whose eyes were kept in constant motion while " A Bill of the Play for Covent Garden or Drury Lane," still resounded in their ears. On arriving at the Box-looby, TOM, who was well known, was immediately shown into the centre box with great politeness by the Box- keeper,* the second scene of the Tragedy being * The Box-keeper to a public Theatre has many duties to perform to the public, his employer, and himself ; but, perhaps, 200 NEW THEATRICAL LAMPS. just over. The appearance of the House was a delicious treat to BOB, whose visual orbs wandered more among the delighted and delightful faces which surrounded him, than to the plot or the progress of the performances before him. It was a scene of splendour of which he had not the least conception ; and Sparkle perceiving the principal objects of attraction, could not resist the impulse to deliver, in a sort of half-whisper, the following lines : " When Woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders, And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart, What need has new Drury of carrers and gilders ? With nature so bounteous, why call upon art ! How well would our Actors attend to their duties, Our House save in oil, and our Authors in wit, In lieu of yon lamp?, if a row of young Beauties Glanc'd light from their eyes between us and the Pit, The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge By woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize, To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College I mean the Love-apples that bloom in the eyes. in order to be strictly correct, we ought to have reversed the order in which we have noticed them, since of the three, the latter appears to be the most important, (at least) in his consideration ; for he takes care before the commencement of the performance to place one of his automaton figures on the second row of every box, which commands a good view of the House, who are merely in- tended to sit with their hats off, and to signif , that the two first seats nre taken, till the conclusion of the secnd act ; and so in point of fact they are taken by himself, for the accommodat on of such friends as he is quile aware are willing to accommodate him with a quid pro quo. TUAC I I)V TALK. 201 There loo is the lash which, all statutes controlling, Still governs the slaves that are made by the Fair, For Man is the pupil who, while her eye's rolling, Is lifted to rapture, or sunk in despair." TALLYHO eagerly listened to his friend's recita- tion of lines so consonant with his own enraptured feelings; while his Cousin DASHALL was holding a conversation in dumb-show with some person at a distance, who was presently recognized by Sparkle to be Mrs. G den,* a well-known fre- quenter of the House " Come," said he, " I see how it is with TOM you may rely upon it he will not stop long where he is, there is other game in view he has but little taste for Tragedy fiction, the Realities of Life are the objects of his regard. " Tis a fine Tragedy," continued he, addressing himself to TOM. " Yes yes," replied the other, " I dare say it is, but, upon my soul, 1 know nothing about it that is I have seen it before, and I mean to read it." " Bless my heart !" said a fat lady in a back seat, " what a noise them 'are gentlemen docs make they talk so loud there 'ant no such thing as seeing what is said I wonder they don't make these here boxes more bigger, for I declare I'm so Mrs. G den, a dashing Cyprian of the first order, well know iu the House, a fine, well-made woman, always ready for a lark^ and generally well togytd. 9 2 r. 202 GODLIKE RECREATION'S. scrouged I'm all in a Fanny, did you bring the rumperella for fear it should rain as we goes home ?" " Hush, Mother," said a plump-faced little girl, who sat along side of her" don't talk so loud, or otherwise every body will hear you instead of the Performers, and that would be quite prepos- terous.'* " Don't call me posterous, Miss ; because you have been to school, and learnt some edification t you thinks you are to do as you please with me." This interesting conversation was interrupted by loud vociferations of Bravo, Bravo, from all parts of the House, as the drop-scene fell upon the con elusion of the second act. The clapping of hands, the whistling and noise that ensued for a few minutes, appeared to astonish TALLYHO. " I don't much like my seat," said DASHALL. " No," said Sparkle, " I did not much expect you would remain long you are a mighty ambi- tious sort of fellow, and I perceive you have a desire to be exalted." ' I confess the situation is too confined," replied TOM" come, it is excessively warm here, let us take a turn and catch a little air." The House was crowded in every part ; for the announcement of a new Tragedy from the pen of Lord Byron, particularly under circumstances of its introduction to the Stage* against the expressed * At an early hour on the evening this Tragedy was first pro- duced at Drury Lane, Hand-bills were plentifully distributed through the Theatre, of which the following is a copy : AL'THOKS AND ACTORS. 203 inclination of its Author, the will of its publisher, and the injunction * of the Lord Chancellor, were " The public are respectfully informed, that the representation of Lord Byron's Tragedy, The Doge of Venice, this evening, takea place in defiance of the injunction from the Lord Chancellor, which was not applied for until the remonstrance of the Publisher, at the earnest desire of the noble Author, had failed in protecting that Drama from its intrusion on the Stage, for which it was never intended." This announcement had the effect of exciting public expecta- tion beyond its usual pitch upon such occasions. The circum- stances were somewhat new in the history of the Drama : the question being, whether a published Play could be legally brought on the Stage withaut the consent, or rather we should say, in defiance of the Author. We are not aware whether this question has been absolutely decided, but this we do know, that the Piece was performed several nights, and underwent all the puffing of the adventurous Manager, as well as aH the severity of the Critics. The newspapers of the day were filled with his- tories and observations upon it. No subject engrossed the con- versation of the polite and play-going part of the community but Lord Byron, the Doge of Venice, and Mr. Elliston. They were all bepraised and beplastered exalted and debased ac- quitted and condemned ; but it was generally allowed on all hands, that the printed Tragedy contained many striking beauties, notwithstanding its alleged resemblance to Venice Pretcrved. We are, however, speaking of the acted Tragedy, and the magnani- mous Manager, who with such promptitude produced it in an altered shape ; and having already alluded to the theatrical puffing so constantly resorted to upon all occasions, we shall drop the curtain upon the subject, after merely remarking, that the Times of the same day, has been known to contain the Manager'., puff, declaring the piece to have been received with rapturous applause, in direct opposition to the Editor's critique, which as unequivocal- ly pronounced its complete failure ! * Injunction The word injunction implies a great deal, and b\i in Its sound so much of the terrific, -is in many tnstur* 204 CHANCERY INJUNCTIONS, attractions of no ordinary nature ; and the Hon. TOM availed himself of the circumstance to to paralize exertion on the part of the supposed offending person or persons. It lias been made the instrument of artful, design- ing, and malicious persons, aiding by pettifogging or pretended attorneys, to obtain money for themselves and clients by way of compromise ; and in numerous instances it is well known that fear has been construed into actual guilt. Injunctions are be- come so common, that even penny printsellers have lately issued threats, and promised actual proceedings, against the venders of articles said to be copies from their original drawings, and even carried it so far as to withhold (kind souls !) the execution of their promises, upon the payment of a 5/. from those who were easily to be duped, having no inclination to encounter the glorious uncer- tainty of the law, or no time to spare for litigation. We have recently been furnished with a curious case which occurred in Utopia, where it appears by our informant, that the laws hold great similarity with our own. A certain house of considerable respectability had imported a large quantity of Welsh cheese, which were packed in wooden boxes, and offered them for sale (a great rarity in Eutopia) as double Gloucester. It is said that two of a trade seldom agree ; how far the adage may apply to Eutopia, will be seen in the sequel. A tradesman, residing in the next street, a short time after, received an im- portation from Gloucester, of the favourite double production of that place, packed in a similar way, and (as was very natural for a tradesman to do, at least we know it is so here,) the latter immediately began to vend his cheese as the real Double Glou- cester. This was an offence beyond bearing. The High Court of Equity was moved, similar we suppose to our High Court of Chancery, to suppress the sale of the latter ; but as no proof of deception could be produced, it was not granted. This only increased the flame already excited in the breasts of the first importers ; every effort was made use of to find a good and suf- ficient excuse to petition the Court again, and at length they found out one of the craft to swear that as the real Gloucester GLO'STEU VERSUS RFAL GLoVlER, 205 have the box, though the truth was, there were other attractions of a more enlivening cast in his view. " Come," said he, " we shall have a better opportunity of seeing the House, and its decora- tions, by getting nearer to the curtain ; besides, we shall have a bird's eye view of the company in a 1 ! quarters, from the seat of the Gods to the Pit." The influx of company, (it being the time of half-price), and the rush and confusion which took place in all parts at this moment, were indiscriba- had been imported in boxes of a similar shape, make, and wood, it was quite evident that the possessor must have bought simi- lar cheeses, and was imposing on the public to their great dis- advantage, notwithstanding they could not find a similarity either of taste, smell, or appearance. In the mean time the real Gloucester cheese became a general favourite with the inhabi- tants of Utopia, and upon this, though slender ground, the inno- cent tradesman was served with a process, enjoining him not to do that, which, poor man, he never intended to do ; and besides if ne had, the people of that country were not such ignoramuses as to be so deceived ; it was merely to restrain him from selling Jus own real double Gloucester as their Wewh cheese, pur porting, as they did, to be double Gloucester, or of miring frieui together (than which nothing could be further from big thoughts,) and charging him at the same time with having old his cheeses under their name. But the most curious part tf the business was, the real cheeseman brought the investiga- tion before the Court, cheeses in boxes were produced, and evi- dence was brought forward, when, as the charges alleged could not be substantiated, the restraint was removed, and the three i-nporteis of Welsh cheese hung their heads, and retired in dudgeon. 206 OLYMPIC MUSIC. ble. Jumping over boxes and obtaining seats by any means, regardless of politeness or even of decorum Bucks and Bloods warm from the plea- sures of the bottle dashing Belles and flaming Beaux, squabbling and almost fighting rendered the amusements before the curtain of a momentary interest, which appeared to obliterate the recol- lection of what they had previously witnessed. In the mean time, the Gods in the Gallery issued forth an abundant variety of discordant sounds, from their elevated situation. Growling of bears, grunting of hogs, braying of donkeys, gobbling of turkeys, hissing of geese, the catcall, and the loud shrill whistle, were heard in one mingling conca- tenation of excellent imitation and undistinguished variety : During which, TOM led the way to the upper Boxes, where upon arriving, he was evident- ly disappointed at not meeting the party who had been seen occupying a seat on the left side of the House, besides having sacrificed a front seat, to be now compelled to take one at the very back part of a side Box, an exchange by no means ad- vantageous for a view of the performance. How- ever, this was compensated in some degree by a more extensive prospect round the House ; and hi eyes were seen moving in all directions, with- out seeming to know where to fix, while Sparkle and BOB were attracted by a fight in the Gallery, between a Soldier and a Gentleman's Servant in liveiy, tor some supposed insult offered to the com- panion of the latter, and which promised serious MEETING LOGIC. 207 results from the repeated vociferations of those around them, of " Throw 'em over throw 'em over ; " while the gifts of the Gods were plenti- fully showered down upon the inhabitants of the lower regions in the shape of orange-peelings, apples, &c. The drawing up of the curtain how- ever seemed to have some little effect upon the audience, and in a moment the Babel of tongues was changed into a pretty general cry of " Down down in the front hats off silence, &c. which at length subsided in every quarter but the Gal- lery, where still some mutterings and murmur- ings were at intervals to be heard. " one fiddle will Produce a tiny flourish still." Sparkle could neither see nor hear the perform- ance TOM was wholly engaged in observing the company, and BOB alternately straining his neck to get a view of the Stage, and then towards the noisy inhabitants of the upper regions. " We dined at the Hummums," said a finicking little Gentleman just below him " Bill, and I, and Harry drank claret like fishes Harry was half- sprung fell out with a Parson about chopping logic ; you know Harry's father was a butcher, and used to chopping, so it was all prime the Parson would'n't be convinced, though Harry knock'd down his argument with his knuckles on the table, almost hard enough to split it it was a bang-up lark Harry got in a passion, dnf'd his toggery, 208 DANDY LARKS AND SFREES. and was going to show fight so then the Parson sneak'd off Such a bit of gig!"* " Silence there, behind." " So then," continued the Dandy, " we went to the Billiard-rooms, in Fleet Street, played three games, diddled the Flats, bilk'd the Marker,, and bolted I say, when did you see Dolly ?"* " Last night," replied the other "she'll be here presently d : d fine girl arn't she?" " Very well," said the first ; " a nice plump face, but then she paints so d n bly, I hate your painted Dollys, give me natural flesh and blood- Polly H ward for me." " Gallows Tomt will speak to you in plain *To the frequenters of Drury lane Theatre, who occasionally lounge away a little of their time between the acts in sipping soda-water, negus, &c., the party here alluded to cannot but be well known we mean particularly the larking-boy and the lads of the tillage. "We are aware that fictitious names are assumed or given to the ladies of Saloon notoriety, originating in particular circumstances, and we have reason to believe that Dolly K lly has been so denominated from the propensity she almost invariably manifests of painting, as re- marked particularly by one of the parties in conversation. t It appears that the adoption of fictitious names is not wholly confined to the female visitors of these regions of fashion and folly. Galloics Tom is a character well known, and is a sort of general friend, at all times full of fun, fire, and spirit. We have not been able to discover whether he holds any official situation under government, though it is generally believed he is safely anchored under the crotcn, a stanch friend to the Briti?h constitution probably more so than to bis own. And we should judge from what is to be inferred from the couver- THE THEATRE. 209 terms if you trespass there, my boy ; you know he has out-general'd the Captain in that quarter, and came off victorious, so " " Come," said Sparkle, " let us adjourn into the Saloon, for, Heaven knows, it is useless stay- ing here." And taking their arms, they imme- diately left the Box. " The theatre," continued he, " is a sort of enchanted island, where nothing appears as it really is, nor what it should be. In London, it is a sort of time-killer, or exchange of looks and smiles. It is frequented by persons of all degrees and qualities whatsoever. Here Lords come to laugh and be laughed at Knights to learn the amorous smirk and a-la-mode grin, the newest fashion in the cut of his garments, the twist of his body, and the adjustment of his phiz. " This House* was built upon a grand and exten- sive scale, designed and executed under the inspec- tion of Mr. Benj. Wyatt, the architect, whose skill was powerfully and liberally aided by an intel- ligent and public spirited Committee, of which the iate Mr. Whitbread was the Chairman. It is alto- gether a master-piece of art, and an ornament to that he is the acknowledged friend of Miss H d. Capt. T pe is supposed to hold a Commission in the Navy, a gay and gallaut frequenter of the Saloon, and, till a short time back, the chere ami of Miss H d. * The building of this Theatre was completed for 112,000/. Including lamps, furniture, &c. 125,000/. ; and including scenery, wardrobe, properties, &c. 150,000/. 2 D 210 DRURY, AND ITS SPLENDID ESTABLISHMENT. the Metropolis. You perceive the intenor is truly delightful, and the exterior presents the idea of solidity and security : it affords sitting room for 2810 persons, that is, 1200 in the Boxes, 850 in the Pit, 480 in the Lower Gallery, and 280 in the Upper Gallery. The talents of the celebrated Mr. Kean (who has recently left us for the shores of the Atlantic) first blazed forth to astonish the world beneath this roof. Old Drury immortalized the name of Garrick, and has also established the fame of Mr. Kean ; and the House at the present moment has to boast of a combination of histrionic* talent, rich and excellent." " Come along, come along," said TOM, inter- rupting him, " leave these explanations for ano- ther opportunity here is the Saloon. Now for a peep at old particulars. There is no seeing nor hearing the Play I have no inclination for histo- ries, I am just alive for a bit of gig." On entering the Saloon, BOB was additionally gratified at viewing the splendour of its decora- tions. The arched ceiling, the two massy Corinthian columns of ver d antique, and the ten corresponding pilasters on each side, struck him as particularly * The names of Elliston, Pope, Johnston, Powel, Dowton, Munden, Holland, Wallack, Knight, T. Cooke, Oxberry, Smith, Bromley, &c. are to be found on the male list of Performers, and it is sincerely to be hoped that of Mr. Kean will not long be absent. The females are, Mrs. Davison, Mrs. Glover, Miss Kelly, Mrs. Bland, Mrs. Orger, Mrs. Sparks, Miss Wilson, Miss Byrne, Miss Cubitt, &c. A CURE FOR LOVt. 211 beautiful, and he was for some moments lost in contemplation, while his friends Sparkle and TOM were in immediate request to receive the congra- tulations of their acquaintance. " Where the d 1 have you been too ?" was the first question addressed to DASHALL ." rusticat- ing, I suppose, to the serious loss of all polished society." " You are right in the first part of your reply," said TOM ; " but, as I conceive, not exactly so in the inference you draw from it." " Modesty, by Jove ! well done DASHALL, this travelling appears to improve your manners won- derfully ; and I dare say if you had staid away another month, your old friends would not have known you." This created a laugh among the party, which roused BOB from his reverie, who, turning round rather hastily, trod with considerable force upon the gouty toe of an old debauchee in spectacles, who, in the height of ecstacy, was at that moment entering into a treaty of amity with a pretty rosy- faced little girl, and chucking her under the chin, as a sort of preliminary, to be succeeded by a rati- fication ; for in all probability gratification was out of the question. However this might be, the pain occasioned by the sudden movement of TALLYHO, who had not yet learned to trip it lightly along the mutton walk,* induced the sufferer to roar out * Mutton Walk A flash term recently adopted to denominate the Saloon. 212 MYMPHS OF THE SALOON most lustily, a circumstance which immediately attracted the attention of every one in the room, and in a moment they were surrounded by a group of lads and lasses. " Upon my soul, Sir," stammered out BOB, " I beg your pardon, I I did not mean " " Oh ! oh ! oh ! " continued the gouty Amoroso. Mother K p* came running Mike lightning with a glass of water ; the frail sisterhood were laughing, nodding, whispering, and winking at each other; while St ns,fwho pick'dup the spec- tacles the unfortunate victim of the gout had dropp'd, swore that fellow in the green coat and white hat ought to be sent to some dancing-school, to learn to step without kicking people's shins. Another declared he was a Johnny-raw,^ just catched, and what could be expected. TOM, who, however, kept himself alive to the passing occurrences, stepping up to BOB, was im- mediately recognized by all around him, and pas- sing a significant wink, declared it was an accident, and begged to assist the Old Buck to a seat, which being accomplished, he declared he had not had his shoe on for a week, but as he found himself * A. well known fruit-woman, who is in constant attendance, well aaquainted with the girls and their protectors, and ready upon all occasions to give or convey information for the benefit of both parties. \ StntA. very pretty round-faced young lady-bird, of rather mall figure, inclining to be lusty. I Johnny Raw A. country bumpkin, LOOKING OUT FOR A NEW CUSTOMER. 213 able to walk he could not resist the temptation of taking a look around him. Over a bottle of wine the unpleasant impres- sions made by this unfortunate occurrence appear- ed to be removed. In the mean time, TOM received a hundred congratulations and salutations ; while Sparkle, after f a glass or two, was missing. DAS HALL informed the friends around him, that his Cousin was a pupil of his, and begged to intro- duce him as a future visitor to this gay scene. This had an instantaneous effect upon the trading fair ones, who began immediately to throw out their lures. One declared he had a sweet pretty brooch ; another, that she knew he was a trump by the cut of his jib ; a tjiird, that he look'd like a gen- tleman, for she liked the make of his mug ; a fourth, that his hat was a very pretty shaped one, although it was of a radical colour ; and while TOM and the labybird* were soothing the pains of the grey- headed wanton, BOB was as busily employed in handing^about the contents of the bottle. A second and a third succeeded, and it was not a little asto- nishing to him that every bottle improved his appearance ; for, though not one of his admirers remained long with him, yet the absence of one only brought another, equally attracted by his look and manner : every one declared he was really a gentleman in every respect, and in the course of their short parley, did not fail to slip a card into * Lady-bird A dashing Cyprian. 214 TORMENTS OF LOVE AND GOUT. his hand. By this time he began to grow chatty, and was enabled to rally in turn the observations they made. He swore he lov'd them all round, and once or twice hummed over, " Dear creatures, we can't do without them, They're all that is sweet and seducing to man, Looking, sighing about, and about them, We doat on them do for them, all tttat we can." The play being over, brought a considerable influx of company into the Saloon. The regular covies paired off with their covesses, and the mov- ing panorama of elegance and fashion presented a scene that was truly delightful to BOB. The Ladybird, who had been so attentive to the gouty customer, now wished him a good night, for, said she, " There is my friend* and so I am off." This seemed only to increase the agony of his already agonized toe, notwithstanding which he presently toddled off, and was seen no more for the evening. " What's become of Sparkle," enquired TOM, " Stole away" was the reply. " Tippd us the double, has he," said DAS HALL. " Well, what think you of Drury-lane?" " Tis a very delightful tragedy indeed, but performed in the most comical manner I ever wit- nessed in my life." " Pshaw ! " said BOB, " very few indeed, except The term friend, is in constant use among accessible ladies, and signifies their protector or keeper. PROSTITUTION. 215 the critics and the plebs, come here to look at the play ; they come to see and be seen." " Egad then," said BOB, " a great many have been gratified to-night, and perhaps I have been highly honoured, for every person that has passed me has complimented me with a stare." < " Which of course you did not fail to return ?" " Certainly not ; and upon my soul you have a choice show of fruit here." " Yes," continued TOM, " London is a sort of hot-house, where fruit is forced into ripeness by the fostering and liberal sun of Folly, sooner than it would be, if left to its natural growth. Here however, you observe nothing but joyful and ani- mated features, while perhaps the vulture of misery is gnawing at the heart. I could give you histo- ries of several of these unfortunates,* (who are * A life of prostitution is a life fraught with too many miseries to be collected in any moderate compass. The mode in which they are treated, by parties who live upon the produce of their infamy, the rude and boisterous, nay, often brutal manner in which they are used by those with whom they occasiorially associate, and the horrible reflections of their own minds, are too frequently and too fatally attempted to be obliterated by recourse to the Bacchanalian fount. Reason becomes obscured, and all decency and propriety abandoned. Passion rules predo- minantly until it extinguishes itself, and leaves the wretched victim of early delusion, vitiated both in body and mind, to drag on a miserable existence, without character, without friends, and almost without hope. There is unfortunately, however, no occasion for the exercise of imagination on this subject. The annals of our police occurrences, furnish too many examples of 216 PROSTITUTION. exercising all their arts to entrap customers) appa- rently full of life and vivacity, who perhaps dare actual circumstances, deeply to be deplored ; and we have select- ed one of a most atrocious kind which recently took place, and is recorded as follows : PROSTITUTION. " An unfortunate girl, apparently about eighteen years of age, and of the most interesting and handsome person, but whose attire indicated extreme poverty and distress, applied to the sitting magistrate, Richard Birnie, Esq. under the following circumstances : It appeared from the statement, that she had for the last three weeks been living at a house of ill fame in Exeter-Street, Strand, kept by a man named James Locke : this wretch had exacted the enormous sum of three guineas per week for her board and lodging, and in consequence of her not being able to pay the sum due for the last week, he threat- ened to strip her of her cloaths, and turn her naked into the street This threat he deferred executing until yesterday morn- ing, (having in the mean time kept her locked up in a dark room, without any covering whatever,) when in lieu of her cloaths, he gave her the tattered and loathsome garments she then appeared in, which were barely sufficient to preserve com- mon decency, and then brutally turned her into the street. Being thus plunged into the most abject wretchedness, without money or friends, to whom she could apply in her present situa- tion, her bodily strength exhausted by the dissipated life she had led, and rendered more so by a long abstinence from food ; her spirits broken and overcome by the bitter and humiliating reflec- tion, that her own guilty conduct debarred her from flying to the fostering arms of affectionate parents, whom she had loaded with disgrace and misery ; and the now inevitable exposure of her infamy, it was some time ere her wandering senses were sufficiently composed to determine what course she should pursue in the present emergency, when she thought she could not do better than have recourse to the justice of her country A SHAMEFUL BUSINESS. 217 not approach their homes without the produce of their successful blandishments. But this is not a place for moralizinga truce to Old Care and the against the villain Lock, who had so basely treated her ; and after extreme pain and difficulty, she succeeded in dragging her enfeebled limbs to the Office. During the detail of the foregoing particulars, she seemed overwhelmed with shame and remorse, and at times sobbed so violently as to render her voice inarticulate. Her piteous case excited the attention and sympathy of all pre- sent ; and it was much to the general satisfaction that Mr. Birnle ordered Humphries, one of the conductors of the Patrol, to fetch Lock to the Office. On being brought there, the necessary pro- ceedings were gone into for the purpose of indicting the house as a common brothel. It was afterwards discovered that this unhappy girl was of the most respectable parents, and for the last six years had been residing with her Aunt. About three months ago, some diffe- rence having arisen between them, she absconded, taking with her only a few shillings, and the clothes she then wore. The first night of her remaining from home she went to Drury-lane Theatre, and was there pick'd up by a genteel woman dressed in black, who having learned her situation, enticed her to a house in Hart-street, Covent-garden, were the ruin of the poor girl was finally effected. It was not until she had immersed herself in vice and folly that she reflected on her situation, and it was then too late to retract ; and after suffering unheard of miseries, was, in the short space of three months, reduced to her present state of wretchedness. " The worthy Magistrate ordered that proper care should be taken of the girl, which was readily undertaken on the part of the parish. " The Prisoner set up a defence, in which he said, a friend of the girl's owed him 14/. and that he detained her clothes for it - but was stopped by Mr. Birnie. " He at first treated the matter very lightly ; but on perceiving he determination on the part of the parish to proceed, he offered > give up the things. This however he was not allowed to do." 2 E 218 BE GONE, DULL CARE. Blue Devils Come on, my boy, let us take a turn in the Lobby " Banish sorrow, grief's a folly ; Saturn, bend thy wrinkled brow ; Get thee hence, dull Melancholy, Mirth and wine invite us now. Love displays his mine of treasure, Comus brings us mirth and song ; Follow, follow, follow pleasure, Let us join the jovial throng." Upon this they adjourned to the Lobby, where a repitition of similar circumstances took place, with only this difference, that TALLYHO having already been seen in the Saloon, and now intro- duced, leaning upon the arm of his Cousin, the enticing goddesses of pleasure hung around them at every step, every one anxious to be foremost in their assiduities to catch the new-comer's smile ; and the odds were almost a cornucopia to a cab- bage-net that BOB would be hook'd. TOM was still evidently disappointed, and after pacing the Lobby once or twice, and whispering BOB to make his observations the subject of future inquiry, they returned to the Saloon, where Spar- kle met them almost out of breath, declaring he had been hunting them in all parts of the House for the last half hour. TOM laugh'd heartily at this, and complimented Sparkle on the ingenuity with which he managed his affairs. " But I see how it is," said he, " and 1 naturally suppose you are engaged." " ' Suspicion ever haunts thr guilty mind,' and I CONVENIENT REFRESHMENT. 219 perceive clearly that you are only disappointed that you are not engaged where are all your golden* dreams now ?" " Pshaw ! there is no such thing as speaking to you," said TOM, rather peevishly, " without feel- ing a lash like a cart-whip." " Merely in return," continued Sparkle, " for the genteel, not to say gentle manner, in which you handle the horse-whip." " There is something very mulish in all this," said BOB, interrupting the conversation, " I dont understand it." " Nor I neither," said TOM, leaving the arm of his Cousin, and stepping forward. This hasty dismissal of the subject under debate had been occasioned by the appearance of a Lady, whose arm TOM immediately took upon leaving that of his cousin, a circumstance which seemed to restore harmony to all parties. TALLYHO and Sparkle soon joined them, and after a few turns for the purpose of seeing, and being seen, it was proposed to adjourn to the Oyster-shop directly opposite the front of the Theatre; and with that view they in a short time departed, but not with- out an addition of two other ladies, selected from the numerous frequenters of the Saloon, most of whom appeared to be well known both to TOM and Sparkle. This was a touch of the satirical which it appears did not exactly suit the taste of DASHALL, as it applied to the Ladybird who had attracted his attention on entering tiie house. A RUFFIAN OF FASHION. The appearance of the outside was very pleasing the brilliance of the lights the neat and cleanly style in which its contents were displayed seemed inviting to appetite, and in a very short time a cheerful repast was served up ; while the room was progressively filling with company, and Mother P was kept in constant activity. Bob was highly gratified with the company, and the manner in which they were entertained. A vast crowd of dashing young Beaux and ele gantly dressed Belles, calling about them for oysters, lobsters, salmon, shrimps, bread and but- ter, soda-water, ginger-beer, &c. kept up a sort of running accompaniment to the general con- versation in which they were engaged ; when the mirth and hilarity of the room was for a moment delayed upon the appearance of a dashing Blade, who seemed as he entered to say to himself, " Plebeians, avaunt ! I have altered my plan, Metamorphosed completely, behold a Fine Man ! That is, throughout town I am grown quite the rage, The meteor 01 fashion, the Buck of the age." He was dressed in the extreme of fashion, and seemed desirous of imparting the idea of his great importance to all around him : he had a light- coloured great-coat with immense mother o' pearl buttons and double capes, Buff or Petersham breeches, and coat of sky-blue,* his hat cocked * A partiality to these coloured habits is undoubtedly intended to impress upon the minds of plebeian beholders an exalted idea of their own consequence, or to prove, perhaps, that their concep- tions are as superior to common ones as the sky is to the earth. A LUSHY COVE. 221 on one side, and stout ground-ashen stick in his hand. It was plain to be seen that the juice of the grape had been operative upon the upper story, as he reeled to the further end of the room, and, calling tne cittendant, desired her to bring him a bottie of soda-water, for he was lushy* by G d ; * The variety of denominations that have at different timos been given to drunkenness forms an admirable specimen of inge- nuity well worthy of remark. The derivation of Lushy, we be- lieve, is from a very common expression, that a drunken man votes for Lushington ; but perhaps it would be rather difficult to dis- cover the origin of many terms made use of to express a jolly good fellow, and no flincher under the effects of good fellowship. It is said that he is drunk, intoxicated, fuddled, muddled, rlus- tered, rocky, reely, tipsy, merry, half-boosy, top-heavy, chuck- full, cup-sprung, pot-valiant, maudlin, a little how came you so, groggy, jolly, rather hightitity, in drink, in his cups, high, in nubibus, under the table, slew'd, cut, merry, queer, quisby, Sfw'd up, overtaken, elevated, cast away, concerned, half-cock'd, exhili- rated, on a merry pin, a little in the suds, in a quandary, wing'd, as wise as Solomon. It is also said, that he has business on both sides of the way, got his little hat on, bung'd his eye, been in the sun, got a spur in his head, (this is frequently used by brother Jockeys to each other) got a crumb in his beard, had a little, had enough, got more than he can carry, been among the Philistines, lost his legs, been in a storm, got his night-cap on, got his skin full, had a cup too much, had his cold tea, a red eye, got his dose, a pinch of snuff in his wig, overdone it, taken draps, taking a lunar, sugar in his eye, had his wig oil'd, that he is diddled, dish'd and done up. He clips the King's English, sees double, reels, heels a little, heels and sets, shews his hob-nails, looks as if he couldn't help it, takes an observation, chases geese, loves a drap, and cannot sport a right line, can't walk a chalk. He is as drunk as a piper, drunk as an owl, drunk as Ihoiu's 222 A TILBURY CLUBIST. then throwing himself into a box, which he alone occupied, he stretched himself at length on *he seat, and seemed as if he would go to sleep. " That (said Sparkle) is a distinguished Member of the Tilbury Club, and is denominated a Ruffian, a kind of character that gains ground, as to num bets, over the Exquisite, but he is very different in polish. " In the higher circles, a Ruffian is one of the many mushroom-productions which the sun of prosperity brings to life. Stout in general is his appearance, but Dame Nature has done little for him, and Fortune has spoilt even that little. To re- semble his groom and his coachman is his highest ambition. He is a perfect horseman, a perfect whip, but takes care never to be a perfect gentle- man. His principal accomplishments are sporting, swaggering, milling, drawing, and greeking.* He takes the ribands in his hands, mounts his box, with Missus by his side" All right, ya hip, my hearties" drives his empty mail with four prime tits cuts outs a Johnny-raw shakes his head, and lolls out his tongue at him ; and if he don't break his own neck, gets safe home after his morning's drive. " He is always accompanied by a brace at least of dogs in his morning visits ; and it is not easy to sow, drunk as a lord, fuddled as an ape, merry as a grig, happy as a king. * Greeking An epithet generally applied to gambling and gam- blers, among the polished heils of society, principally to be found in and near St. James's : but of this more hereafter. THE SLEEPER AWAKE. 223 determine on these occasions which is the most troublesome animal of the two, the biped or the quadruped^" This description caused a laugh among the Ladybirds, who thought it vastly amusing, while it was also listened to with great attention by TALLYHO. The Hon. TOM DASH ALL in the mean time was in close conversation with his mott* in the corner of the Box, and was getting, as Sparkle observed, " rather nutty\ in that quarter of the globe." The laugh which concluded Sparkle's account of the Tilbury-club man roused him from his sleep, and also attracted the attention of TOM and his inamorata. " Dn my eyes" said the fancy cove, as he rubbed open his peepers, J " am I awake or asleep ? what a hll of a light there is ! " This was followed immediately by the rattling 6f an engine with two torches, accompanied by an immense concourse of people following it at full speed past the window. * Mott\ Mowen, or woman of the town. We know not from whom or whence the word originated, but we recollect some lines of an old song in which the term is made use of, viz. " When first I saw this flaming Mott, 'Twas at the sign of the Pewter Pot ; We call'd for some Pur/, and we had it hot. With Gin and Bitters too." f Nutty Amorous. * AD elegant and expressive term for the eyes. 224 ALL ON FIRE. " It is well lit, by Jove," said the sleeper awake, " where ever it is ; " and with that he tipp'd the slavey* a tanner,^ and mizzled. The noise and confusion outside of the House completely put a stop to all harmony and comfort within. " It must be near us," said TOM. " Tt is Covent Garden Theatre, in my opinion, said Sparkle. BOB said nothing, but kept looking about him in a sort of wild surprise. " However," said TOM, " wherever it is, we must go and have a peep." " You are a very gallant fellow, truly," said one of the bewitchers " I thought " " And so did I," said TOM" but ' rest the babe the time it shall come' never mind, we won't be disappointed ; but here, (said he) as I belong to the Tip and Toddle Club, I don't mean to dis- grace my calling, by forgetting my duty." And slipping a something into her hand, her note was immediately changed into, " Well, I always thought you was a trump, and I likes a man that behaves like a gentleman." Something of the same kind was going on be tween the other two, which proved completely satisfactory. " So then, Mr. Author, it seems you have raised * Slaveys Servants of either sex. + Tanner A Hash term for a sixpence. A SHORT PARLEY. 225 a fire to stew the oysters, and leave your Readers to feast upon the blaze." " Hold for a moment, and be not so testy, and for your satisfaction I can solemnly promise, that if the oysters are stewed, you shall have good and sufficient notice of the moment they are to be on table But, bless my heart, how the fire rages ! I can neither spare time nor wind to parley a mo- ment longer TOM and BOB have already started off with the velocity of a race-horse, and if I lose them, I should cut but a poor figure with my Readers afterward. " Pray, Sir, can you tell me where the fire is ?" ' Really, Sir, I don't know, but I am told it is somewhere by Whitechapel.' " Could you inform me Madam, whereabouts the fire is?" ' Westminster Road, Sir, as I am informed. " Westminster, and Whitechapel some little difference of opinion I find as usual however, I have just caught sight of TOM, and he's sure to be on the right scent ; so adieu, Mr. Reader, for the present, and have no doubt but I shall soon be able to throw further light on the subject. 2f 226 FIIIE, CONFUSION AND ALARM. CHAP. XIII. Some folks in the streets, by the Lord, made me stare, So comical, droll, is the dress that they wear, For the Gentleman's waists are atop of their backs, And their large cassock trowsers they fit just like sacks. Then the Ladies their dresses are equally queer, They wear such large bonnets, no face can appear : It puts me in mind, now don't think I'm a joker, Of a coal-scuttle stuck on the head of a poker. In their bonnets they wear of green leaves such a power, It puts me in mind of a great cauliflower ; And their legs, I am sure, must be ready to freeze, For they wear all their petticoats up to their knees They carry large bags full of trinkets and lockets, 'Cause the fashion is now not to wear any pockets ; While to keep off the flies, and to hide from beholders, A large cabbage-net is thrown over their shoulders." IN a moment all was consternation, confusion, and alarm. The brilliant light that illuminated the surrounding buildings presented a scene of daz- zling splendour, mingled with sensations of horror not easily to be described. The rattling of engines, the flashing of torches, and the shouting of thou- sands, by whom they were followed and surround- ed, all ' ombined to give lively interest to the cir- cumstance. It was quickly ascertained that the dreadful con flagration had taken place at an extensive Timber- yard, within a very short distance of the Theatres, situated as it were nearly in the centre, between OVERFLOWING HOUSES. 227 Covewt Garden and Drury Lane. Men, women, and children, were seen running in all directions ; and report, with his ten thousand tongues, here found an opportunity for the exercise of them all ; assertion and denial followed each other in rapid succession, while the flames continued to increase. Our party being thus abruptly disturbed in their anticipated enjoyments, bade adieu to their Doxies* and rushed forward to the spot, where they wit- nessed the devouring ravages of the yet unquenched element, consuming with resistless force all that came in its way. " Button up, said TOM, " and let us keep toge- ther, for upon these occasions, " The Scamps* the Pads,$ the Divert & are all upon the lay."|| The Flash Molishers ,fl~ in the vicinity of Drury Lane, were out in parties, and it was reasonable to suppose, that were there was so much heat, con- siderable thirst must also prevail; consequently the Sluiceries were all in high request, every one of those in the neighbourhood being able to boast of overflowing Houses, without any imputation upon their veracity. We say nothing of elegant * Doxies A flash term frequently made use of to denominate ladies of easy virtue. \ Scamps Highwaymen. J Pads Foot-pads. Divers Pickpockets. fl The Lay - Upon tlio look-out for opportunities for the exercise of their profession. f Flash Molishers a. terra given to low I'rostituU s. 228 SNUFFY TABBIE* AND BOOSY KIDS. genteel, or enlightened audiences, so frequently introduced in the Bills from other houses in the neighbourhood ; even the door-ways were block'd up with the collectors and imparters of information. Prognostications as to how and were it began, how it would end, and the property that wouM be consumed, were to be met at every corner Snu\ Tabbies, and Boosy Kids, some giving way to jocularity, ond others indulging in lamentations. " Hot, hot, hot, all hot," said a Black man, as he pushed in and out among the crowd; with " Hoot awa', the de'il tak your soul, mon, don't you think we are all hot etieugh?gm ye bring more hot here I'll crack your croon I've been roasting alive for the last half hoor, an' want to be ganging, but I can't get out." " Hot, hot, hot, all hot, Ladies and Gentle- men," said the dingy dealer in delicacies, and almost as soon disappeared among the crowd, where he found better opportunities for vending his rarities. " Lumps of pudding," said TOM, jerking TAL- LYHO by the arm, " what do you think of a slice ? here's accommodation for you all hot, ready dress'd, and well done." " Egad ! " said BOB, " I think we shall be well done ourselves presently." " Keep your hands out of my pockets, you lousy beggar," said a tall man standing near them, " 01 b me if I don't mill you." ' You mill me, vhy you don't know how to go A COOLER FOR HOT DISPUTES. 229 about it, Mr. Bully Brag, and I doesn't care half afarden for you you go for to say as how I " Take that, then," said the other, and gave him a floorer ; but he was prevented from falling by those around him The salute was returned in good earnest, and a random sort of fight ensued. The accompaniments cf this exhibition were the shrieks of the women, and the shouts of the partisans of each of the Bruisers the cries of " Go it, little one stick to it tip it him sarve him out ring, ring give 'em room foul, foul fair, fair," &c." At this moment the Firemen, who had been actively engaged in endeavours to subdue the devouring flames, ob- tained a supply of water : the engines were set to work, and the Foreman directed the pipe so as to throw the water completely into the mob which had collected round them. This had the desired effect of putting an end to the squabble, and dis- persing a large portion of the multitude, at least to some distance, so as to leave good and sufficient room for their operations. " The Devil take it," cried Sparkle, " I am drench'd." " Ditto repeated," said TOM. " Curse the fellow," cried BOB, " I am sopp'd." " Never mind," continued TOM, - " By fellowship in woe, Jscarcc half our pain we know." " Since we are all in it, there is no laughing allowed." Iii a short time, the water flowed through the 230 HEATS AND COLDS. street in torrents ; the pumping of the engines, and the calls of the Firemen, were all the noises that could be heard, except now and then the arrival of additional assistance. BOB watched minutely the skill and activity of those robust and hardy men, who were seen in all directions upon the tops of houses, &c. near the calamitous scene, giving information to those be- low ; and he was astonished to see the rapidity with which they effected their object. Having ascertained as far as they could the extent of the damage, and that no lives were lost, TOM proposed amove, and Sparkle gladly seconded the motion" for," said he, " I am io wet, though I cannot complain of being cold, that I think I resemble the fat man who seemed something like * two single gentlemen roll'd into one,' and * who after half a year's baking declared he had been so cursed hot, he was sure he'd caught cold ; ' so come along." " Past twelve o'clock," said a Charley, about three parts sprung, and who appeared to have more light in his head than he could shew from his lantern. " Stop thief, stop thief," was vociferated behind them; and the night music, the rattles, were in immediate use in several quarters a rush of the crowd almost knoc'd BOB off his pins, and he would certainly have fell to the ground, but his came with so much force against the bread- AN OVfcRTLKNtD CHAKLKV. 231 basket* of the groggy guardian of the night, that he was turn'd keel upwards,^ and rolled with his lantern, staff, and rattle, into the overflowing ken- nel ; a circumstance which perhaps had really no bad effect, for in all probability it brought the sober senses of the Charley a little more into action than the juice of ths juniper had previously allowed. He was dragged from his birth, and his coat, which was of the blanket kind, brought with it a plentiful supply of the moistening fluid, being literally sousd from head to foot. BOB fished for the darkey^ the musical instru- ?/; and the post of honour, alias the supporter of peace ; || but he was not yet complete, for he had dropped his canister-cap, ^[ which was at length found by a flash molisher, and drawn from the pool, full of water, who appeared to know him, and swore he was one of the best fellows on any of the beats round about ; and that they had got hold of a Fire-prigger,** and bundled^ him off to * Bread-basket The stomach. t Keel upwards Originally a sea pnrasc, and most in use among sailors, &c. J Darkey Generally made use of to signify a dark lantern. ^ Musical instrument a rattle. || Post of honour, or supporter of hit peace Stick, or cudgel. H Canister-cap a hat. ft Bundled Took, or cony eyed. ** Fire-priyyer No beast of prey can be more noxious to society or destitute of feeling than those who plunder the unfor- tunate sufferers under that dreadful and destructive calamity, lirr The %er who leaps on the unguarded passenger will fly from the lire, and the traveller shall be protected l>v it : while tin '232 AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE. St. Giles's watch-house, because lie was dotting with a bag of togs. The feeble old scout shook his dripping ward- robe, d d the water and the boosy kid that wallop d him into it, but without appearing to know which was him ; till BOB stepped up, and passing some silver into his mawley, told him he hoped he was not hurt. And our party then moved on in the direction for Russel-street, Covent-gar- den, when Sparkle again mentioned his wet con- dition, and particularly recommended a glass of Cogniac by way of preventive from taking cold. " A good motion well made (said TOM ;) and here we are just by the Harp, where we can be fitted to a shaving ; so come along." Having taken this, as Sparkle observed, very necessary precaution, they pursued their way to- wards Piccadilly, taking their route under the Piazzas of Covent-garden, and thence up James- street into Long-acre, where they were amused by a circumstance of no very uncommon kind in 'London, but perfectly new to TALLYHO. Two Charleys had in close custody a sturdy young man (who was surrounded by several others,) and was wretches, who attend on fires, and rob the unfortunate sufferers under pretence of coming to give assistance, and assuming the style and manner of neighbours, take advantage of distress and confusion. Such wretches have a more eminent claim to th detestation of society, than almost any other of those who prey upon it. ilKSUltllECTIOX KIGS. 233 taking him to the neighbouring watch-house " What is the matter ?" said TOM. " Oh, 'tis only a little bit of a dead body- snatcher" said one of the guardians. " He has been up to the resurrection rig* Here, continued * Resurrection rig This subject, though a grave one, has been treated by many with a degree of comicality calculated to excite considerable risibility. A late well Lnowu humorist has related the following anecdote : Some young men, who had been out upon the spree, returning home pretty well primed after drinking plentifully, found them- selves so dm as they passed a public house where they were well known, they could not resist the desire they had of calling on their old friend and taking a glass of brandy with him by way of finish, as they termed it ; and finding the door open, though it was late, were tempted to walk in. But their old friend was out of temper. " What is the matter ? " " Matter enough," replied Boniface ; " here have I got an old fool of a fellow occupying my parlour dead drunk and what the devil to do with him I don't know. He can neither walk nor speak." " Oh," said one of the party, who knew that a resurrection Doctor resided in the next street, " I'll remove that nuisance, if that's all you have to complain of; only lend me a sack, and I'll sell him." A sack was produced, and the Bacchanalian, who almost appeared void of animation, was without much difficulty thrust into it. " Give me a lift," said the frolicsome blade, and away he went with the load. On arriving at the doctor's door, he pulled the night bell, when the Asssistant made his appearance, not unaccustomed to this sort of nocturnal visitant. " I have brought you a subject all right." " Come in. What is it, a man or a woman ? " " A man." " Down with him that corner. D o it, I was fast asleep. 2 G 234 RESURRECTION RIGS. he." " I've got the bone-basket" holding up a bag, " and it was taken off his shoulder as he went Call for the sack in the morning, will you, for I want to get to bed." " With all my heart." Then going to a drawer, and bringing the customary fee, " Here, (said he) be quick and be off." This was exactly what the other wanted ; and having secured the rvbbish* the door was shut upon him. This, however, was no sooner done, than the Sooty Kid in the sack, feeling a sudden internal turn of the contents of his stomach, which brought with it a heaving, fell, from the upright situation in which he had been placed, on the floor. This so alarmed the young Doctor, that he ran with all speed after the vender, and just coming up to him at the cor- ner of the street, " Why, (said he) you have left me a living man ! " " Nevermind, (replied the other ;) kill him when you want him." And making good use of his heels he quickly disappeared. A Comedian of some celebrity, but who is now too old for theatrical service, relates a circumstance which occurred to him upon his first arrival in town : Having entered into an engagement to appear upon the boards of one of the London Theatres, he sought the metropolis some short time before the opening of the House ; and conceiving it necessary to his profession to study life real life as it .is, he was accustomed to mingle promiscuously in almost all society. With tnis view ne Irequentiy entered the tap rooms of the lowest public houses, to enjoy his pipe air* his Dint, keeping the main object always in view " To catch the manners living as they rise." Calling one evening at one of these houses, not far from Drury Lane, he found some strapping fellows engaged in conversation, interlarded with much flash and low slang ; but decently dressed, he mingled in a sort of general dialogue witn them on the state A cr.ut phrase for mo.iey. RESURRECTION RIGS. 235 along Mercer-street, so he can't say nothing at all in his own defence ; he must go to quod" of the weather, politics, &c. After sitting some time in their company, and particularly noticing their persons and apparent character " Come, Bill, it is time to be off, it is getting rather darkish." " Ah, very well (replied the other,) let us h-\ve another quart, and then I am your man for a bit of a lark." By this time they had learned that the Comedian was but newly arrived in town ; and he on the other hand was desirous of seeing what they meant to be up to. After another quart they were about to move, when, said one to the other, " As we are only going to have a strol and a bit of fun, perhaps that there young man would like to join us." " Ah, what say you, Sir? have you any objection ? but perhaps you have business on hand and are engaged" " No, I have nothing particular to do," was the reply. " Very well, then if you like to go with us, we shall be glad of your company." " Well (saidTie,) I don't care if I do spend an hour with you." And with that they sallied forth. After rambling about for sqme time in the vicinity of Tottenham Court Road, shewing him some of the Squares, &c. describing the names of streets, squares, and buildings, they approached St. Giles's, and leading him under a gateway, " Stop, (said one) we must call upon Jack, you know, for old acquaintance sake," and gave *a loud knock at the door ; which being opened without a word, they all walked in, and the door was instantly lock'd. He was now introduced to a man of squalid appearance, with whom they all shook hands : the mode of introduction was not however of so satisfactory a description as had been expected, being very laconic, and conveyed in the following language : " We have got him." " Yes, yes, it is all right come, Jack, serve us out some grog, and then to business." The poor Comedian in the mean lime was left in the utmost anxiety and sin j>riso t i form an opinion of his situation ; for a< 236 STUDIES FROM LIFE. BOB could not very well understand what was the meaning of this lingo ; he was perfectly at a loss he had heard something about trepanning, pressing, &c. he could not help entertaining serious suspicion that he should either be compelled to serve as a soldier or a sailor ; and as he had no intention " to gain a name in arms," they were neither of them suitable to his inclinations. " Come," (said one) walk up stairs and sit down Jack, bring the lush" and up stairs they went. Upon entering a gloomy room, somewhat large, with only a, small candle, he had not much opportunity of discovering what sort of a place it was, though it looked wretched enough. The grog was brought " Here's all round the grave-stone, (said one) come, drink away, my hearty don't be alarm'd, we are rum fellows, and we'll put you up to a rig or two we are got a rum covey in the corner there, and you must lend us a hand to get rid of him :" then, holding up the light, what was the surprise of the poor Comedian to espy a dead body of a man " You can help us to get him away, and by G you shall, too, it's of no use to flinch now. A circumstance of this kind was new to him, so that his per- plexity was only increased by the discovery ; but he plainly per- ceived by the last declaration, that having engaged in the business, it would be of no use to leave it half done : he therefore remained silent upon the subject, drank his grog, when Jack came up stairs to say the cart was ready. " Lend a hand, (said one of them) let us get our load down stairs come, my Master, turn too with a good heart, all's right." With this the body was conveyed down stairs. At the back of the house was a small yard separated from a neighbouring street by a wall a signal was given by some one on the other side which was understood by those within it was approaching nine o'clock, and a dark night" Come, (said one of them,) mount you to the top of the wall, and ding the covey over to the carcass-carter." This being complied with, the dead AN AGREEABLE SITUATION. 237 to comprehend the terms of dead-body snatching and the resurrection rig. The crowd increased as body was handed up to him, which was no sooner done than the Carman outside, perceiving the Watchman approach " It von't do," said he, and giving a whistle, drove his cart with an assumed air of carelessness away ; while the poor Comedian, who had a new character to support, in which he did not conceive himself well up, 3 - was holding the dead man on his lap with the legs pro- jecting over the wall ; it was a situation of the utmost delicacy and there was no time to recast the part, he was therefore, obliged to blunder through it as well as he could ; the perspira- tion of the living man fell plentifully on the features of the dead as the Charley approached in a position to pass directly under him. Those inside had sought the shelter of the house, tell- ing him to remain quiet till the old Scout was gone by. Now although he was not fully acquainted with the consequences of discovery, he was willing and anxious to avoid them : he therefore took the advice, and scarcely moved or breathed " Past nine o'clock," said the Watchman, as he passed under the legs of the dead body without looking up, though he was within an inch of having his castor brushed oft' by them. Being thus re- lieved, he was happy to see the cart return ; he handed over the un- pleasant burthen, and as quick as possible afterwards descended from his elevated situation into the street, determining at all hazards to see the result of this to him extraordinary adventure ; with tnis view he followed the cart at a short distance, keeping his eye upon it as he went along ; and in one of the streets leading to Long Acre, he perceived a man endeavouring to look into the back part of the cart, but was diverted from his object by one of the men who had introduced him to the house, while another of the confederates snatched the body from the cart, and ran with all speed down another street in an opposite direction. This movemement had attracted the notice of the Watchman, who, being prompt in his movements, had sprung his rattle. Upon * A theatrical phrase, meaning well studied. 238 A NOCTURNAL VISIT they went along ; and as they did not exactly relish their company, Sparkle led them across the way, and then proceeded to explain. " Why," said SPARKLE, " the custom of dead- body snatching has become very common in London, and in many cases appears to be winked at by the Magistrates ; for although it is considered a felony in law, it is also acknowledged in some degree to be necessary for the Surgeons, in order to have an opportunity of obtaining practical infor- mation. It is however, at the same time, a source of no slight distress to the parents and friends of the parties who are dragged from the peaceful secu- this, and feeling himself too heavily laden to secure his retreat, the fellow with the dead man perceiving the gate of an area open, dropped his burden down the steps, slam'd the gate after him, and continued to fly, but was stopped at the end of the street ; in the mean time the Charley in pursuit had knock'd at the dooi of the house where the stolen goods (as he supposed) were de- posited. It was kept by an old maiden lady, who, upon disco- vering the dead body of a man upon her premises, had fainted in the Watchman's arms. The detection of the running Resurrec- tionist was followed by a walk to the watch-house, where his com- panions endeavoured to make it appear that they had all been dining at Wandsworth together, that he was not the person against whom the hue and cry had been raised. But old Snooffy* said it wouldn't do, and he was therefore detained to appear before the Magistrate in the morning. The Comedian, who had minutely watched their proceedings, took care to be at Bow- street in good time ; where he found upon the affidavits of two of his comrades, who swore they had dined together at Wandsworth, their pal was liberated. The Constable of thf night. TO A MAIDEN LADV. 239 rity of the tomb. The Resurrection-men are generally well rewarded for their labours by the Surgeons who employ them to procure subjects; they are for the most part fellows who never stick at trifles, but make a decent livelihood by moving off, if they can, not only the bodies, but coffins, shrouds, &c. and are always upon the look-out wherever there is a funeral nay, there have been instances in which the bodies have been dug from their graves within a few hours after being depo- sited there." " It is a shameful practice," said BOB, " and ought not to be tolerated, however ; nor can I conceive how, with the apparent vigilance of the Police, it can be carried on." " Nothing more easy," said SPARKLE, " where the plan is well laid . These fellows, when they hear a passing-bell toll, skulk about the parish from ale- house to ale-house, till they can learn a proper account of what the deceased died of, what condi- tion the body is in, &c. with which account they go to a Resurrection Doctor, who agrees for a price, which is mostly five guineas, for the body of a man, and then bargain with an Undertaker for the shroud, coffin, &c. which, perhaps with a little alteration, may serve to run through the whole family." " And is it possible," said BOB, " that there are persons who will enter into such bargains ? " " No doubt of it ; nay, there was an instance of n man really selling his own body to a Surgeon, to be 240 SHARP'S THE WORD. appropriated to his own purposes when dead, for a certain weekly sum secured to him while living; but in robbing the church-yards there are always many engaged in the rig for notice is generally given that the body will be removed in the night, to which the Sexton is made privy, and receives the information with as much ease as he did to have it brought his price being a guinea for the use of the grubbing irons, adjusting the grave, &c. This system is generally carried on in little country church-yards within a few miles of London. A hackney-coach or a cart is ready to receive the stolen property, and there cannot be a doubt but many of these depredations are attended with suc- cess, the parties escaping with their prey unde- tected nay, I know of an instance that occurred a short time back, of a young man who was buried at Wesley's Chapel, on which occasion one of the mourners, a little more wary than the rest, could not help observing two or three rough fellows in the ground during the ceremony, which aroused his sus- picion that they intended after interment to have the body of his departed friend ; this idea became so strongly rooted in his mind, that he imparted his suspicions to the remainder of those who had fol- lowed him : himself and another therefore deter- mined if possible to satisfy themselves upon the point, by returning in the dusk of the evening to reconnoitre. They accordingly proceeded to the spot, but the gates being shut, one of them climbed to the top of the wall, where he discovered the FROLICSOME FELLOWS. 241 very parties, he had before noticed, in the act of wrenching open the coffin. Here they are, said he, hard at it, as I expected. But before he and his friend could get over the wall, the villains ef- fected their escape, leaving behind them a capa- cious sack and all the implements of their infer- nal trade. They secured the body, had it con- veyed home again, and in a few days re-buried it in a place of greater security * BOB was surprised at this description of the Resurrection-rig, but was quickly drawn from his contemplation of the depravity of human nature, and what he could not help thinking the dirty employments of life, by a shouting apparently from several voices as they passed the end of St. Martin's Lane : it came from about eight per- sons, who appeared to be journeymen mechanics, with pipes in their mouihs, some of them rather rorytoriousy"\ who, as they approached, broke al- together into the following SONG, j " I'm a frolicsome young fellow, I live at my ease, I work when I like, and I play when I please ; I'm frolicsome, good-natured I'm happy and free, And I care not a jot what the world thinks of me. A circumstance veiy similar to the one here narrated by SPARKLE actually occurred, and can be well authenticated. t Rorytorious Noisy. I This song is not introduced for the elegance of its coinpo- ition, but as the Author has actual'y heard it in the streets at ilivjiitjtit of night or the peep of day, sung in full chorus, & plain II. 2 ii 242 FROLICSOME FELLOWS. With my bottle and glass some hours I pass, Sometimes with my friend, and sometimes with my law ; I'm frolicsome, good-natur'd I'm happy and free, And I don't care one jot what the world thinks of me. By the cares of the nation I'll ne'er be perplex'd, I'm always good natur'd, e'en though I am vexed ; I'm frolicsome, good-humour'd I'm happy and free, And I don't care one d n what the world thinks of me. This Song, which was repeated three or four times, was continued till their arrival at New- as the fumes of the pipes and the niccups would allow the cho- risters at those hours to articulate ; and as it is probably the effu- sion of some Shopmate in unison with the sentiments of many, it forms part of Real Life deserving of being recorded in this Work. Particular trades have particular songs suitable to the employ- ment in which they arc engaged, which while at work the whole of the parties will join in. In Spitalfields, Bethnal-green, &c. prin- cipally inhabited by weavers, it is no uncommon thing to hear twenty or thirty girls singing, with their shuttles going The Death of Barbary Allen Tliere was an old Astrologer Mary's Dream, or Death and the Lady ; and we remember a Watch-maker who never objected to hear his boys sing ; but although he was himself a loyal subject, he declared he could not bear God Save the King ; and upon being ask'd his reason Why, said he, it is too slow; for as the time goes, so the fingers move Give us Drops of Bran- dy, or Go to the Devil and Shake Yourself then I shall have some work done. It is said that " Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast ; " and it cannot but be allowed that the Yo heave ho, of our Sailors, or the sound of a fiddle, contribute much to the speed of weighing anchor. It is an indisputable fact that there are few causes which more decidedly form, or at least there are few evidences which more clearly indicate, the true character of a nation, than its Songs and Ballads. It has been observed by the learned Selden, that RETIREMENT. 243 port-market, where the Songsters divided : our party pursued their way through Coventry-street, and arrived without further adventure or inter- ruption safely at home. SPARKLE bade them adieu, and proceeded to Bond-street ; and TOM and BOB sought the repose of the pillow. you may see which way the wind sets by throwing a straw up into the air, when you cannot make the same discovery by tossing up a stone or other weighty substance. Thus it is with Songs and Ballads, respecting tho state of puplic feeling, when productions of a more elaborate nature fail in their elucidations : so much so that it is related of a great Statesman, who was fully convinced of the truth of the observation, that he said, " Give me the making of the national Ballads, and I care not who frames your Laws." Every day's experience tends to prove the power which the sphere- bom Sisters of harmony, voice, and verse, have over the human mind. " I would rather," says Mr. Sheridan, " have written Glo- ver' song of 4 Hosier's Ghost' than the annals of TacitM." 244 TATTEKSALL'J. CHAP. XIV. O what a town, what a wonderful Metropolis ! Sure such a town as this was never seen ; Mayor, common-councilmen, citizens and populace, Wand'ring from Poplar to Turnham Green. Chapels, churches, synagogues, distilleries, and county banks- Poets, Jews and gentlemen, apothecaries, mountebanks There's Bethlem Hospital, and there the Picture Gallery ; A.nd there's Sadler's Wells, and there the Court of Chancery. O such a town, such a wonderful Metropolis, Sure such a town as this was never seen ! O such a town, and such a heap of carriages, Sure such a motley group was never seen ; Such a swarm of young and old, of buryings and marriages, All the world seems occupied in ceaseless din. There's the Bench, and there's the Bank, now r only take a peep at her And there's Rag Fair, ami there the East-London Theatre There's St. James's all so fine, St. Giles's all in tattery, Where fun and frolic dance the rig from Saturday to Saturday. O what a town, what a wonderful Metropolis, Sure such a town as this was never seen ! A SHOUT time after this day's ramble, the Hon. TOM DASHALL and his friend TALLYHO paid a visit to the celebrated Tattersall's. " This, " said TOM, is a great scene of action at times, and you will upon some occasions find as much business done here as there is on 'Change ; the dealings however are not so fair, though the profits are larger ; and if you observe the charac- ters and the visages of the visitants, it will be found TATTERS ALL*S. 246 it is most frequently attended by Turf-Jews and Greeks* Any man indeed who dabbles in horse- dealing, must, like a gamester, be either a rook or a pigeon ; -\ for horse-dealing is a species of gam- bling, in which as many depredations are committed upon the property of the unwary as in any other, and every one engaged in it thinks it a meritorious act to dupe his chapman. .Sven noblemen and gentlemen, who in other transactions of life are honest, will make no scruple of cheating you in horse-dealing : nor is this to be wondered at when we consider that the Lord and the Baronet take lessons from their grooms, jockeys, or coachmen, and the nearer approach they can make to the ap- pearance and manners of their tutors, the fitter the pupils for turf-men, or gentlemen dealers ; for the school in which they learn is of such a description that derilection of principle is by no means sur- prising fleecing each other is an every-day prac- tice every one looks upon his fellow as a bite, and young men of fashion learn how to buy and sell, from old whips, jockeys, or rum ostlers, whose prac- tice have put them up to every thing, and by such ruffian preceptors are frequently taught to make three quarters or seventy-five per cent, profit, which is called turning an honest penny. This, * Turf -Jews and Greeks Gamblers at races, trotting-maichcs, t Rooks and Pigeons are frequenters of gaming-houses: the former signifying the successful adventurer, and the latter the unfortunate dupe 24G FRIENDLY DEALINGS. though frequently practised at country fairs, &c by horse-jobbers, &c. is here executed with all the dexterity and art imaginable : for instance, you have a distressed/Hm/ whom you know must sell ; you commiserate his situation, and very kindly find all manner of faults with his horse, and buy it for half its value you also know a Green-horn and an extravagant fellow, to whom you sell it for twice its value, and that is the neat thing. Again, if you have a horse you wish to dispose of, the same school will afford you instruction how to make the most of him, that is to say, to conceal his vices and defects, and by proper attention to put him into condition, to alter his whole appearance by hog- ging, cropping, and docking by patching up his broken knees blowing gun-powder in his dim eyes bishoping, blistering, &c. so as to turn him out in good twig, scarcely to be known by those who have frequently seen and noticed him : besides which, at the time of sale one of these gentry will aid and assist your views by pointing out his re- commendations in some such observations as the following : ' There's a horse truly good and well made. ' There's the appearance of a fine woman ! broad breast, round hips, and long neck. ' There's the countenance, intrepidity, and fire of a lion. ' There's the eye, joint, and nostril of an ox. ' There's the nose, gentleness, and patience of a Iamb. SCRUPLES OF CONSCIENCE. 247 * There's the strength, constancy, and foot of a mule. ' There's the hair, head, and leg of a deer. ' There's the throat, neck, and hearing of a wolf ' There's the ear, brush, and trot of a fox. ' There's the memory, sight, and turning of a serpent. * There's the running, suppleness, and inno cence of the hare. " And if a horse sold for sound wind, limb, and eyesight, with all the gentleness of a lamb, that a child might ride him with safety, should afterwards break the purchaser's neck, the seller has nothing to do with it, provided he has received the bit* but laughs at the do.-\ Nay, they will sometimes sell a horse, warranted to go as steady as ever a horse went in harness, to a friend, assuring him at the same time that he has not a fault of any kind, that he is good as ever shoved a head through a horse- collar ; and if he should afterwards rear up in the gig, and overturn the driver into a ditch, shatter the concern to pieces, spill Ma'am, and kill both her and the child of promise, the conscientious Horse-dealer has nothing to do with all this : How could he help it ? he sold the horse for a good horse, and a good horse he was. This is all in the way * Bit A cant term for money. f Do Any successful endeavour to over-reach another is by these gentlemen called a do, meaning so and so has been dont. LAUDABLE COMPANY. of fair dealing. Again, if a horse is sold as SOUL a, and he prove broken-winded, lame, or otherwise- not worth one fortieth part of the purchase-money, still it is only a piece of jockeyship a fair ma- noeuvre, affording opportunities of merriment.' " A very laudable sort of company," said BOB. " It is rather a mixed one," replied TOM " it is indeed a complete mixture of all conditions, ranks, and orders of society. But let us take a peep at some of them. Do you observe that stout fellow yonder, with a stick in his hand ? he has been a Daisy-kicker, and, by his arts and contrivances having saved a little money, is now a regular dealer, and may generally be seen here on selling days." " Daisy-kicker." said BOB, " 1 don't compre- hend the term." " Then I will explain/' was the reply. " Daisy- kickers, are Ostlers belonging to large inns, who are known to each other by that title, and you may frequently hear them ask When did you sell your Daisy-kicker or Grogham ? for these terms are made use of among themselves as cant for a horse. Do you also observe, he is now in close conversation with a person who he expects will become a purchaser." " And who is he ?" " He is no other than a common informer, though in high life ; keeps his carriage, horses, and servants lives in the first style he is shortly to be made a Consul of, and perhaps an Ambassador THE SPORTMAN8 EXCHANGE. afterwards. The first is to all intents and pup poses a Lord of Trade, and his Excellency nothing nore than a titled spy, in the same way as a Bailiff /s a follower of the law, and a man out of livery a Knight's companion or a Nobleman's gentleman." Their attention was at this moment attracted by the appearance of two persons dressed in the extreme of fashion, who, upon meeting just by them, caught eagerly hold of each other's hand, and they overheard the following ' Why, Bill, how am you, my hearty ? where have you been trotting your galloper ? what w you arter? how's Harry and Ben ? haven't s-een you this blue moon.'* ' All tidy,' was the reply ; ' Ben is getting bet- ter, and is going 1 to sport a new curricle, which is now building for him in Long Acre, as soon as he is recovered.' ' Why what the devil's the matter with him, eh ? ' Nothing of any consequence, only he got inilFd a night or two ago about his blowen he had one of his ribs broke, sprained his right wrist, and sports a painted pecperf upon the occasion, that's all.' ' Why you know he's no bad cock at the Fancy, and won't put up with any gammon' ' No, but he was lushy, and so he got queer d But I say, have you sold your bay r ' ' No, d n me, I can't get my price.' Blue moon This is usually intended to imply a long time, t Painted peeper A black eye. 11. 2 i 250 A GOOD CHOP. ' Why, what is it you axes ? ' * ' Only a hundred and thirty got by Agamem non. Lord, it's no price at all cheap as dirt But I say, Bill, how do you come on with your grey, and the pie-bald poney?' ' All right and regular, my boy ; matched the poney for a light curricle, and I swapp'd\ the grey for an entire horse such a rum one when will you come and take a peep at him ? all bone, fine shape and action, figure beyond compare I made a rare good chop of it.' * I'm glad to hear it ; I'll make a survey, and take a ride with you the first leisure day ; but I'm full of business, no time to spare I say, are you a dealer ? ' * No, no, it won't do, I lost too much at the Derby besides, I must go and drive my Girl out Ayait, that's the time of day, \ my boys so good by But if you should be able to pick up a brace * Axes Among the swell lads, and those who affect the charac- ters of knowing coveys, there is a common practice of endeavouring to coin new words and new modes of expression, evidently intended to be thought wit ; and this affectation frequently has the effect of creating a laugh. f Swapp'd Exchanged. t That's tJie time of day That's your sort that's the barber- keep moving what am you arter what am you up to there never was such times that's the Dandy Go along Bob, &c. are expressions that are frequently made use of by the people of the Metropolis ; and indeed fashion seems almost to have as much to do with oui language as with our dress c- manners. AN UNLIMITED ORDER. 251 of clever pointers, a prime spaniel, or a greyhound to match Smut, I'm your man buy for me, and all's right price, you know, is out of the question, I must have them if they are to be got, so look out bid and buy ; but mind, nothing but prime will do for me that's the time of day, you know, d n me so good by I'm off.' And away he went. " Some great sporting character, I suppose," said BOB " plenty of money." " No such thing," said TOM, drawing him on one side, " you will hardly believe that Bill is nothing more than a Shopman to a Linen-draper, recently discharged for mal-practices ; and the other has been a Waiter at a Tavern, but is now out of place ; and they are both upon the sharp look-out to gammon the fiats. The former obtains his pre- sent livelihood by gambling spends the most of his time in playing cards with greenhorns, always to be picked up at low flash houses, at fairs, races, milling-matches, &c. and is also in the holy keep- ing of the cast-off mistress of a nobleman whose family he was formerly in as a valet-de-chambre. The other pretends to teach sparring in the City, and occasionally has a benefit in the Minories, Duke's Place, and the Fives Court. " They talk it well, however," said BOB. * Words are but wind, many a proud word comes off a weak stomach," was the reply; " and you may almost expect not to hear a word of truth in this place, which may be termed The Sporting Repository it is the grand mart for horses and for 252 HOW TO EASE HEAVY POCKETS. otherfashionable animals for expensive asses, and all sorts of sporting-dogs, town-puppies, and se- cond-hand vehicles. Here bets are made for races and fights matches are made up here bargains are struck, and engagements entered into, with as much form, regularity, and importance, as the progress of parliamentary proceedings points of doubt upon all occasions of jockey ship are decided here ; and no man of fashion can be received into what is -termed polished society, without a know- ledge of this place and some of the visitors. The proceedings however are generally so managed, that the ostlers, the jockeys, the grooms, and the dealers, come best off, from a superiority of know- ledge and presumed judgment they have a me- thod of patching up deep matches to diddle the dupes, and to introduce throws over, doubles, double doubles, to ease the heavy pockets of their burdens. The system of puffing is also as much in use here as among the Lottery-office Keepers, the Quack Doctors, or the Auctioneers ; and the Knowing ones, by an understanding amongst each other, sell their cattle almost for what they please, if it so happens they are not immediately in want of the ready,* which, by the way, is an article too fre- quently in request and here honest poverty is often obliged to sell at any rate, while the rich black-leg takes care only to sell to a good advan- tage, making a point at the same time not only to * Tlu; Ruadv Money. FASHIONABLE SOCIETY. 253 make the most of his cattle, but also of his friend or acquaintance." " Liberal and patriotic-minded men!" said BOB ; " it is a noble Society, and well worthy of cultivation." " It is fashionable Society, at least," continued TOM, " and deserving of observation, for it is fraught with instruction." " I think so, indeed," was the reply ; " but I really begin to suspect that I shall scarcely have confidence to venture out alone, for there does not appear to be any part of your wonderful Metro- polis but what is infested with some kind of shark or other." " It is but too true, and it is therefore the more necessary to make yourself acquainted with them : it is rather a long lesson, but really deserving of being learnt. You perceive what sort of company you are now in, as far as may be judged from their appearances ; but they are not to be trusted, for I doubt not but you would form erroneous conclu- sions from such premises. The company that assembles here is generally composed of a great variety of characters the Idler, the Swindler, the Dandy, the Exquisite, the full-pursed young Peer, the needy Sharper, the gaudy Pauper, and the aspiring School-boy, anxious to be thought a dealer and a judge of the article before him looking at a horse with an air of importance and assumed intelligence, bidding with a trembling voice and palpitating heart, lest it should be knock'd down 254 BODY-SNATCHERS AND BUM-TRAPS. to him. Do you see that dashing fellow nearly opposite to us, in the green frock-coat, top-boots, and spurs ? do you mark how he flourishes his whip, and how familiar he seems to be with the knowing old covey in brown ? " " Yes ; I suppose he is a dealer." " You are right, he is a dealer, but it is in man's flesh, not horse flesh : he is a Bum trap* in * Bum-trap PL term pretty generally in use to denominate a Bailiff or his follower they are also called Body-snatchers. The ways and means made use of by these gentry to make their captions are innumerable : they visit all places, assume all characters, and try all stratagems, to secure their friends, in order that they may have an opportunity of obliging them, which they have a happy facility in doing, provided the party can Meed free* Amongst others, the following are curious facts : A Gentleman, who laboured under some peculiar difficulties, found it desirable for the sake of his health to retire into the coun- try, where he secluded himself pretty closely from the vigilant anxieties of his friends, who were in search of him and had made several fruitless attempts to obtain an interview. The Traps hav- ing ascertained the place of his retreat, from which it appeared that nothing but stratagem could draw him, a knowing old snatch determined to effect his purpose, and succeeded in the following manner : One day as the Gentleman came to his window, he discovered a man. seemingly in great agitation, passing and re-passing; at length, however, he stopped suddenly, and with a great deal of at- tention fixed his eyes upon a tree which stood nearly opposite to the window. In a few minutes he returned to it, pulled out a book, in which he read for a few minutes, and then drew forth a rope from his pocket, with which he suspended himself from the tree. The Gentleman, eager to save the life of a fellow-creature, ran out and cut him down. This was scarcely accomplished, before he a Bleed free Pay well. THE SHARPS AND THE FLATS. 255 search of some friend or other, with a writ in his pocket. These fellows have some protean qualities about them, and, as occasion requires, assume all shapes for the purpose of taking care of their customers ; they are however a sort of necessary evil. The old one in brown is a well-known dealer, a deep old jile, and knows every one around him he is up to the sharps, down upon the flats, and not to be done. But in looking round you may perceive men booted and spurred, who perhaps never crossed a horse, and some with whips in their hands who deserve it on their backs they hum lively airs, whistle and strut about with their quizzing-glasses in their hands, playing a tattoo upon their boots, and shewing themselves off with as many airs as if they were real actors engaged in the farce, that is to say, the buyers and found the man whom he had rescued (as he thought) from death, slapp'd him on the shoulder, informed him that he was his prisoner, and in return robbed him of his liberty ! Another of these gentry assumed the character of a poor cripple, and stationed himself as a beggar, sweeping the crossing near the habitation of his thy cock, who. conceiving himself safe after three days voluntary imprisonment, was seized by the supposed beggar, who threw away his broom to secure his man. Yet, notwithstanding the many artifices to which this profes- sion is obliged to conform itself, it must be acknowledged there arc many of them who have hearts that would do honour to more exalted situations ; especially when we reflect, that in general, whatever illiberality or invective may be cast upon them, they rarely if at all oppress those who are in their custody, and that they frequently endeavour to compromise for the Debtor, or at least recommend the Creditor to accept of those terms which c?* be complied with. 250 DINING IN HIGH COMPANY. sellers ; when in truth they are nothing but loun- gers in search of employment, who may perhaps have to count the trees in the Park for a dinner without satisfying the cravings of nature, dining as it is termed with Duke. Humphrey others, per- haps, who have arrived in safety, are almost afraid to venture into the streets again, lest they should encounter those foes to liberty, John Doe and Richard Roe." ' If I do, may I be ' The remainder of the sentence was lost by the speaker removing in con- versation with another, when TOM turn'd round. " O," said TOM, " I thought I knew who it was that is one of the greatest reprobates in con- versation that T ever met with." "And who is he?" " Why, I'll give you a brief sketch of him," continued DASHALL: "It is said, and I fancy pretty well known, that he has retired upon a small property, how acquired or accumulated I cannot say ; but he has married a bar-maid of very beautiful features and elegant form : having been brought up to the bar, she is not unaccustomed to confinement; but he has made her an absolute prisoner, for he shuts her up as closely as if she were in a monastery he never dines at home, and she is left in complete solitude. He thinks his game all safe, but she has sometimes escaped the vigilance of her gaoler, and has been seen at places distant from home.* * It is related of this gentlema* /hose severity and vigilance were so harshly spoken of, tha* one day at table, a dafthinf A MONEY-LENDER. 257 -** Mr. C on the opposite side is a Money- procurer or lender, a very accommodating son 01 young Military Officer, who, while he was circulating the bottle, vi as boasting among his dissipated friends of his dexterity in con- ducting the wars of Venus, that he had a short time back met one of the most lovely creatures he ever saw, in the King's Road ; but he had learned that her husband so strictly confined and watched her, that there was no possibility of his being admitted to her at any hour. " Behave handsome, and I'll put you into possession of a gun that shall bring the game down in spite of locks, bolts, and bars, or even the vigilance of the eyes of Argus himself." " How ? d me if I don't stand a ten pound note." lt How ! why easy enough ; I've a plan that cannot but succeed down with the cash, and I'll put you up to the scheme." No sooner said than done, and he pocketed the ten pound note. " Now," said the hoary old sinner, little suspecting that he was to be the dupe of 'his own artifice: " You get the husband invited out to dinner, have him well ply'd with wine by your friends : You assume the dress of a Postmangive a thundering rap at her door, which always denotes either the arrival of some important visitor or official communication ; and when you can see her, flatter, lie, and swear that her company is necessary to your existence that life is a burden without her tell her, you know her husband is engaged, and can't come that he is dining out with some jolly lads, and can't possibly be home for some hours fall at her feet, and say that, having obtained the inter- view, you will not leave her. Your friends in the mean time must be engaged in making him as drunk as a piper. That's the way to do it, and if you execute it as well as it is planu'd, the oav's your own." Bravo, bravo ! " echoed from every one present. it was a high thing the breach thus made, the born-wort wn JHxr.i to DC earned, and there could be no doubt ol a safe (odgemmf. in the covert-way. u. 258 A SECRET EXPEDITION. uerson, who negociates meetings and engage- ments between young borrowers, who care not The gay Militaire met his inamorata shortly afterwards in Chel- sea-fields, and after obtaining from her sundry particulars of inquiry, as to the name of her husband, &c. he acquainted her with his plan. The preliminaries were agreed upon, and it was determined that the maid-servant, who was stationed as a spy upon her at all times, should be dispatched to some house in the neighbourhood to procure change, while the man of letters was to be let in and concealed ; and upon her return it was to be stated that the Postman was in a hurry, could not wait, and was to call again. This done, he was to make his escape by a rope-ladder from the window as Soon as the old one should be heard upon the stairs, which it of course was presumed would be at a late hour, when he was drunk. The train having been thus laid, Old Vigilance, dined out, and expected to meet the Colonel ; but being disappointed, and sus- picious at all times, for " Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind," The utmost endeavours of the party to make him drunk proved ineffectual ; he was restless and uncomfortable, and he could not help fancying by the visible efforts to do him up, that some mischief was brewing, or some hoax was about to be played off. He had his master-key in his pocket, and retired early. His Lady, whose plan had succeeded admirably at home, was fearful of having the door bolted till after twelve, lest the ser- vant's suspicions should he aroused. In the mean time, the son of Mars considered all safe, and entertained no expectation of the old Gentleman's return till a very lateWiour. When lo and behold, to the great surprise and annoyance of the lovers, he gently opened the street door, and fearful of awaking his faithful charmer out of her first slumber, he ascended the stairs unshod. His phosphoric matches shortly threw a light upon the subject, and he entered the apartment ; when, what was the A PLEASANT RENCONTRE. what they pay for money, and old lender* who care not who suffers, so they can obtain enormous interest for their loans. He is a venerable looking- man, and is known to most of the young Bloods who visit here. His father was a German Cook in a certain kitchen. He set up for a Gentleman at his father's death, and was taken particular notice of by Lord G , and indeed by all the turf. He lived a gay and fashionable life, soon run out of his fortune, and is now pensioned by a female whom he formerly supported. He is an excellent judge of a horse and horse-racing, upon which subjects his advice is frequently given. He is a very useful person among the generality of gentry who frequent this place of public resort. At the same time it ought to be observed, that among the various characters which infest and surprise and astonishment of the whole party at the discovery of their situation. The old Gentleman swore, stormed, and bullied, declaring he would have satisfaction ! that he would commence a civil suit ! The Military Hero told him it would be too civil by half, and was in fact more than he expected ; reminded him of the ten pounds he had received as agency for promoting his amours , informed him he had performed the character recommended by him most admirably. The old man was almost choked with rage : but perceiving he had spread a snare for himself, was compelled to hear and forbear, whi e the lover bolted, wisf-inc him a good night, and singing, " Locks, bolts, and bars. 1 defy you." as an admirable lesson in return tor t < blustering manner in which he had received information of the success of his own scheme. 260 ACCOMMODATING FRIENDS. injure society, perhaps there are few more prac- tised in guilt, fraud, and deceit than the Mopey- Jenders. " They advertise to procure large sums oi money to assist those under pecuniary embarrass- ment. They generally reside in obscure situations, and are to be found, by anonymous signature*, such as A. B. I. R, D. V. &c. They chiefly p.ey upon young men of property, who have lost their money at play, horse-racing, betting, &c. or other expensive amusements, and are obHged to raise more upon any terms until their rents or incomes become payable : or such as have fortunes in prospect, as being heirs apparent to estates, but who require assistance in the mean time. "These men avail themselves of the credit, or the ultimate responsibility of the giddy and thoughtless young spendthrift in his eager pursuit of criminal pleasures, and under the influence of those allurements, which the various places of fashionable resort hold out; and seldom fail to obtain from them securities and obligations for large sums; upon the credit of which they are enabled, perhaps at usurious interest, to borrow money or discount bills, and thus supply their unfortunate customers upon the most extravagant terms. " There are others, who having some capital, advance money upon bonds, title-deeds, and other specialities, or upon the bond of the parties having property in reversion. By these and other devices, AN UNCONSCIONABLE DOG. 2G 1 large sums of money are most unwarrantably and illegally wrested from the dissipated and the thoughtless ; and misery and distress are perhaps entailed upon them as long as they live, or they are driven by the prospect of utter ruin to acts of desperation or the commission of crimes. " It generally happens upon application to the advertising party, that he, like Moses in The School for Scandal, is not really in possession of any money himself, but then he knows where and how to procure it fiom a very unconscionable dog, who may, perhaps, not be satisfied with the security offered ; yet, if you have bills at any reasonable date, he could get them discounted. If you should suffer yourself to be trick'd out of "any bills, he will contrive, in some way or other, to negociate them not, as he professes, for you, but for him- self and his colleagues ; and, very likely, after you have been at the additional expense of commencing a suit at law against them, they have disappeared, and are in the King's Bench or the Fleet, waiting there to defraud you of every hope and expecta- tion, by obtaining their liberty through theWhite- washing Act. " These gentry are for the most part Attorneys or Pettifoggers, or closely connected with such ; and notwithstanding all legal provisions to pre- clude them from exacting large sums, either for their agency or introduction, or for the bonds which they draw, yet they contrive to bring them- 262 THE FEMALE BANKER. selves home, and escape detection, by some such means as the following : " They pretend that it is necessary to have a deed drawn up to explain the uses of the annuity- bond, which the grantor of the money, who is some usurious villain, immediately acknowledges and accedes to ; for " The bond that signs the mortgage pays the shot; so that an Act which is fraught with the best pur- poses for the protection of the honest, but unfortu- nate, is in this manner subjected to the grossest chicanery of pettifoggers and pretenders, and the vilest evasions of quirking low villains of the law. " There is also another species of money-lender, not inaptly termed the Female Banker. These accommodate Barrow-women and others, who sell fruit, vegetables, &c: in the public streets, with five shillings a day (the usual diurnal stock in such cases ;) for the use of which for twelve hours they obtain the moderate premium of sixpence when the money is returned in the evening, receiving at this rate about seven pounds ten shillings per year for every five pounds they can so employ. It is however very difficult to convince the borrowers of the correctness of this calculation, and of the serious loss to which they subject themselves by a continuation of the system, since it is evident that this improvident and dissolute-class of people nave no other idea than that of making the day and A BUCK OF THE FIRST CUT. 203 the way alike long. Their profits (often consi- derably augmented by dealing in base money as well as the articles which they sell) seldom last over the day ; for they never fail to have a luxu- rious dinner and a hot supper, with a plentiful supply of gin and porter : looking in general no farther than to keep the whole original stock with the sixpence interest, which is paid over to the female Banker in the evening, and a new loan ob- tained on the following morning to go to market, and to be disposed of in the same way. " In contemplating this curious system of bank- ing, or money-lending (trifling as it may appear,) it is almost impossible not to be forcibly struck with the immense profits that are derived from it. It is only necessary for one of these sharpers to possess a capital of seventy shillings, or three pounds ten shillings, with fourteen steady and re- gular customers, in order to realize an income of ONE HUNDRED GUINEAS per year! So true it is, that one half of the world do not know how the other half live ; for there are thousands who can- not have the least conception of the existence of such facts. " Here comes a Buck of the first cut, one who pretends to know every thing and every body, but thinks of nobody but himself, and of that self in reality knows nothing. Captain P is acknow- ledged by all his acquaintance to be one of the best fellows in the world, and to beat every one at slatig, but U y and A se. He is the terror of 264 LOCKS AND KEYS. the Charleys, and of the poor unfortunate roofless nightly wanderers in the streets. You perceive his long white hair, and by no means engaging features. Yet he has vanity enough to think him- self handsome, and that he is taken notice of on that account ; when the attractions he presents are eally such as excite wonder and surprise, mingled with disgust ; yet he contemplates his figure in the looking-glass with self-satisfaction, and asks the frail ones, with a tremulous voice, if, so help them he is not a good-looking fellow ? and they, knowing their customer, of course do not fail to reply in the affirmative. " He is a well known leg, and ia> no doubt pre- sent on this occasion to bet upon the ensuing Epsom races ; by the bye his losses have been very considerable in that way. He has also at all times been a dupe to the sex. It is said that Susan B , a dashing Cyprian, eased his purse of a 500 bill, and whilst he was dancing in pursuit of her, she was dancing to the tune of a Fife; a clear proof she had an ear for music as well as an eye to business. But I believe it was played in a different Key to what he expected ; whether it was a minor Key or not I cannot ex- actly say. " At a ball or assembly he conceives himself quite at home, satisfied that he is the admiration of the whole of the company present ; and were he to give an account of himself, it would most likely be in substance nearly as follows : A HIGHLY FINISHED YOUTH. 265 * When I enter the room, what a whisp'ring is heard ; My rivals astonish'd, scarce utter a word ; " How charming ! (cry all ;) how enchanting a fellow ! How neat are those small-clothes, how killingly yellow." Not for worlds would I honour those plebs with a smile, Tho bursting with pride and delight all the while; So I turn to my cronies (a much honour'd few,) Crying, " S z m, how goes it? Ah, Duchess, how do? Ton my life, yonder's B uf, and Br ke, and A g le, S ff d, W tm 1- < L n, and old codger C rl le. Now tho', from this style of address, it appears, That these folks I have known for at least fifty years, The fact is, my friends, that I scarcely know one, A mere "facon de parler" the way of the ton. What tho' they dislike it, I answer my ends, Country gentlemen stare, and suppose them my friend*. But my beautiful taste (as indeed you will guess) Is manifest most in my toilet and dress ; My neckcloth of course forms my principal care, For by that we criterions of elegance swear, And costs me each morning some hours of flurry, To make it appear to be tied in a hurry. My boot-tops, those unerring marks of a blade, With Champagne are polish'd, and peach marmalade; And a violet coat, closely copied from B ng, With a cluster of seals, and a large diamond ring ; And trosiemes of buckskin, bewitchingly large, Give the finishing stroke to the " parfait ouvrage" During this animated description of the gay personage alluded to, BOB had listened with the most undeviating attention, keeping his eye all the time on this extravagant piece of elegance and fashion, but could not help bursting into an im- moderate fit of laughter at its conclusion. In the mean time the crowd of visitors had continued to increase ; all appeared to be bustle and confusion; small parties were seen in groups communication 12. a ju 266 AN AGREEABLE MEETING. together in different places, and every face ap- peared to be animated by hopes or fears. DASHALL was exchanging familiar nods and winks with those whom he knew ; but as their object was not to buy, they paid but little attention to the sales of the day, rather contenting themselves with a view of the human cattle by which they were surrounded, when they were pleasingly sur- prised to observe their friend SPARKLE enter, booted and spurred. " Just the thing! (said SPARKLE,) I had some suspicion of finding you here. Are you buyers ? Does your Cousin want a horse, an ass, Qizjilly?" TOM smiled ; " Always upon the ramble, eh, Sparkle. Why ask such questions ? You know we are well horsed ; but I suppose if the truth was known, you are prad sellers ; if so, shew your article, and name your price." " Apropos," said SPARKLE ; " Here is a friend of mine, to whom I must introduce you, so say no more about articles and prices I have an article in view above all price excuse me." And with this he made his way among the tribe of Jockeys, Sharpers, and Blacklegs, and in a minute returned, bringing with him a well-dressed young man, whose manners and appearance indicated the Gentleman, and whose company was considered by TOM and his Cousin as a valuable acquisition. " Mr. Richard Mortimer," said SPARKLE, as he introduced his friend " the Hon. Mr. DA SHALL, and Mr. ROBERT TALLYHO." AN ADDITION TO THE PARTY. 2G7 After the mutual interchanges of politeness which naturally succeeded this introduction " Come," said SPARKLE, " we are horsed, and our nags waiting we are for a ride, which way do you bend your course?" " A lucky meeting," replied TOM ; "for we are upon the same scent; I expect my curricle at Hyde-Park Corner in ten minutes, and have no particular line of destination." " Good," said SPARKLE ; " then we may hope to have your company ; and how disposed for the evening ?" " Even as chance may direct." " Good, again all right then as you are nei- ther buyers nor sellers, let us employ the remain- ing ten minutes in looking around us there is nothing to attract here Epsom Races are all the talk, and all of business that is doing come along, let us walk through the Park let the horses meet us at Kensington Gate, and then for a twist among the briers and brambles." This was readily agreed to : orders were given to the servants, and the party proceeded towards the Park. 268 A PROMENADE, CHAP. XIL Wh*t s Bon Ton ? Oh d me (cries a Back, If alt drank,) ask me, my dear, and you're in luck : Y'on Ton's to swear, break windows, beat the Watcfc, Pick up a wench, drink healths, and roar a catch. Keep it up, keep it up ! d me, take your swing, Bon Ton is Life, my boy ! Bon Ton's the thing ! " Ah, I loves Life and all the joys it yields (Says Madam Fussock, warm from Spitpifields ) Bon Ton's the space 'twixt Saturday and Monday, And riding out in oae-hoi se shay o' Sunday ; 'Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons At Bagnigge Wells, with china and gilt spoons : 'Tis laying by our stuffs, red cloaks, and pattens, To dance cowtillions all in silks and satins." " Vulgar ! (cries Miss) observe in higher Life The feather'd spinster and three feather'd wife ; The Club's Bon Ton Bon Ton's a constant tr&de Of rout,/esfmo, ball and masquerade ; 'Tis plays and puppet shows 'tis something new 'Tis losing thousands every night at loo ; Nature it thwarts, and contradicts all reason ; Tis stiff French stays, and fruit when out of season, A rose, when half a guinea is the price ; A set of bays scarce bigger than six mice ; To visit friends you never wish to see ; Marriage 'twixt those who never can agree ; Old dowagers, dress'd, painted, patch'd, and corfu This is Bon Ton, and this we call the World!" As they passed through the gate, TOM observed it was rather too early to expect much company. Never mind," said SPARKLE, " we are company enough among ourselves; the morning is fine, the curricle not arrived, and we shall find plenty ot INTERESTING CONVEHS ATION5. 269 conversation, if we do not discover interesting character, to diversify our promenade. Travelling sn<^s conversation, unless you aie squeezed like an Egyptian mummy iato a stage or a mail- coach ; and perhaps ?n that case you may meet with animals who have voices, without possessing the power of intellect to direct them to any useful or agreeable purpose. ' FALLYHO, who was at all times delighted with SPAHKLE'S desciiptions of society and manners, appeared pleased with the proposition. " Your absence from town," continued SPARKLE, addressing himself to DAS HALL. ''ha? prevented my introduction of Mr. Mortimer before, though YOU have heard me mention his Sister. They are now inhabitants of our own sphere of action, and I trust we shal'J all become better known to each other." This piece of infoimation appeared to be truly acceptable to all parties. Young Mortimer was a good-looking and well made young man ; his fea- tures were animated and intelligent ; his manners polished, though not quite so unrestrained as those which are to be acquit ed by an acquaintance with metropolitan associations. " I am happy," said he, " to be introduced to any friend of your's, and shall be proud to num- ber them among mine/' " You may," replied SPARKLE, " with great safety place them on your list ; though you know J ave already made it appear to you that friend- 270 SOMETHING THE MATTER. ship is a term more generally made use of than understood in London " For what is Friendship but a name, A charm which lulls to sleep, A shade that follows wealth and fame, And leaves the wretch to weep ? And Love is still an emptier sound, The modern fair one's jest; On earth unseen, or only found To warm fho turtle's nest." " These sentiments are excellently expressed," said TOM, pinching him by the arm " and I sup- pose in perfect consonance with your own ? " SPARKLE felt the rebuke, look'd down, and seemed confused ; but in a moment recovering himself, " Not exactly so," replied he ; " but then you know, and I don't mind confessing it among friends, though you are aware it is very unfashion- able .to acknowledge the existence of any thing of the kind, I am a pupil of nature." " You seem to be in a serious humour all at once," said young Mortimer. " Can't help it," continued SPARKLE " for, " Let them all say what they will, Nature will be nature still." " And that usurper, or I should rather say, would be usurper, Fashion, is in no way in alliance with our natures. I remember the old Duchess o Marlborough used to saj ' That to love some per QUIZZICAL HITS. 271 sons very much, and to see often those we love, is the greatest happiness I can enjoy ; ' but it appears almost impossible for any person in London to se- cure such an enjoyment, and I can't help feeling it." By the look and manner with which this last sentiment was uttered, TOM plainly discovered there was a something labouring at his heart which prompted it. " Moralizing," said he. " Ah, Charley, you are a happy fellow. I never yet knew one who could so rapidly change ' from grave to gay, from lively to severe;' and for the benefit of our friends, I can't help thinking you could further elucidate the very subject you have so feelingly introduced." " You are a quiz" said SPARKLE ; " but there is one thing to be said, I know you, and have no great objection to your hits now and then, pro- vided' they are not knock down blows." " But," said Mortimer, " what has this to do with friendship and love ? I thought you were going to give something like a London definition of the terms." "Why," said SPARKLE, "in London it is equally difficult to get to love any body very much, or often to meet those that we love. There are such numbers of acquaintances, such a constant succes- sion of engagements of one sort or other, such a round of delights, that the town resembles Vaux- hall, where the nearest and dearest friends may walk round and round all night without once meet- ing for instance, at dinner you should see a per- 272 LONDON FRIENDSHIP. son whose manners and conversation are agreeable and pleasing to you ; you may wish in vain to be- come more intimate, for the chance is, that you wiU not meet so as to converse a second time for many months ; for no one can tell when the dice- box of society may turn up the same numbers again. I do not mean to infer that you may not barely see the same features again ; it is possible that you may catch a glimpse of them on the opposite side of Pall Mall or Bond-street, or see them near to you at a crowded rout, without a possibility of approaching. " It is from this cause, that those who live in London are so totally indifferent to each other ; the waves follow so quick, that every vacancy is immediately filled up, and the want is not per- ceived. The well-bred civility of modern times, and the example of some ' very popular people,' it is true, have introduced a shaking of hands, a pretended warmth, a dissembled cordiality, into the manners of the cold and warm, alike the dear friend and the acquaintance of yesterday. Con- sequently we continually hear such conversation as the following: ' Ah, how d'ye do? I'm delight- ed to see you ? How is Mrs. M ?' ' She's very well, thank you.' ' Has she any increase in family ?' ' Any increase ! why I've only been married three months. I see you are talking of my former wife : bless you, she has been dead these three years.' Or, ' Ah, my dear friend, how d'ye do ? You have been out of town some time; where have you FASHIONABLE DIVISION OF TIME. 273 been ? In Norfolk ? ' ' A o, I have been two years in India.' " This description of a friendly salutation ap- peared to interest and amuse both TALLYHO and Mortimer. TOM laughed, shrugg'd up his shoul- ders, acknowledged the picture was too true, and SPARKLE continued. " And thus it is, that, ignorant of one another's interests and occupations, the generality of friend- ships of London contain nothing more tender than a visiting card : nor are they much better, indeed they are much worse, if you renounce the world, and determine to live only with your relations and nearest connexions ; for if you go to see them at one o'clock, they are not stirring; at two, the room is full of different acquaintances, who talk over the occurrences of the last night's ball, and, of course, are paid more attention to than your- self; at three, they are out shopping ; at four, they are in this place dashing among the Pinks, from which they do not return till seven, then they are dressing ; at eight, they are dining with two dozen, friends ; at nine and ten the same ;. at eleven, they are dressing for the ball ; and at twelve, when you are retiring to rest, they are gone into society for the evening : so that you are left in solitude ; you soon begin again to try the world and we will endeavour to discover what it produces. " The first inconvenience of a London Life is the late hour of a fashionable dinner. To pass the 12. 2 M 274 FASHION VERSUS REASON. day in fasting, and then sit down to a great dinner at eight o'clock, is entirely against the first dictates of common sense and common stomachs. But what is to be done ? he who rails against the fashion of the times will be considered a most unfashion- able dog, and perhaps I have already said more than sufficient to entitle me to that appellation." " Don't turn King's Evidence against yourself," said TOM, " for, if you plead guilty in this happy country, you must be tried by your Peers." " Nay," said Mortimer, " while fashion and reason appear to be in such direct opposition to each other, I must confess their merits deserve to be impartially tried ; though I cannot, for one mo- ment, doubt but the latter must ultimately prevail with the generality, however her dictates may be disregarded by the votaries of the former." " You are a good one at a ramble," said TOM, " and not a bad one in a spree, but I cannot help thinking you are rambling out of your road ; you seem to have lost the thread of your subject, and, having been disappointed with love and friend- ship, you are just going to sit down to dinner ' " Pardon me, replied SPARKLE, " I was pro ceeding naturally, and not fashionably, to my sub- ject-, but I know you are so great an admirer of the latter, that you care but little about the former." " Hit for hit," said TOM ; " but go on you are certainly arrowing old, SPARKLE; at all events, DINNERS OF THE TON. 275 you appear very grave this morning, and if you continue in this humour long, I shall expect you are about taking Orders." " There is a time for all things, but the time for that has not yet arrived." " Well, then, proceed without sermonizing." " I don't like to be interrupted," replied SPARKLE ; " and there is yet much to be said on the subject. I find there are many difficulties to encounter in contending with the fashionable cus- toms. Some learned persons have endeavoured to support the practice of late dinners by precedent, and quoted the Roman supper ; but it ought to be recollected that those suppers were at three o'clock in the afternoon, and should be a subject of con- tempt, instead of imitation, in Grosvenor Square. Women, however, are not quite so irrational as men, in London, for they generally sit down to a substantial lunch about three or four ; if men would do the same, the meal at eight might be relieved of many of its weighty dishes, and conversation would be a gainer by it ; for it must be allowed on all hands, that conversation suffers great interrup- tion from the manner in which fashionable dinners are managed. First, the host and hostess (or her unfortunate coadjutor) are employed during three parts of the dinner in doing the work of servants, helping fish, or carving venison to twenty hungry guests, to the total loss of the host's powers of amusement, and the entire disfigurement of the fair hostess's face. Again, much time is lost by 276 COMFORTS OF THE TABLE. the attention every one is obliged to pay, in order to find out (which, by the way, he cannot do if he is short-sighted) what dishes are at the extreme end of the table ; and if a guest is desirous of a 'glass of wine, he must peep through the Apollos and Cupids of the plateau, in order to find some one to take it with ; otherwise he is compelled to wait till some one asks him, which will probably happen in succession ; so that after having had no wine for half an hour, he will have to swallow five glasses in five minutes. Convenience teaches, that the best manner of enjoying society at dinner, is to leave every thing to the servants that servants can do ; so that no farther trouble may be experienced than to accept the dishes that are presented, and to drink at your own time the wines which are handed round. A fashionable dinner, on the con- trary, seems to presume beforehand on the silence, dullness, and insipidity of the guests, and to have provided little interruptions, like the jerks which the Chaplain gives to the Archbishop to prevent his going to sleep during a sermon." "Accurate descriptions, as usual/' said TOM, " and highly amusing." TALLYHO and Mortimer were intent upon hear- ing the remainder of SPARKLE'S account, though they occasionally joined in the laugh, and observed that SPARKLE seemed to be in a very sentimental mood. As they continued to walk on, he resumed " Well then, some time after dinner comes the hour for the ball or rout ; but this is sooner said BRILLIANT MOB OF A BALL-ROOM. 277 than done : it often requires as much time to go from St. James's Square to Cleveland Row, as to go from London to Hounslow. It would require volumes to describe the disappointment which oc- curs on arriving in the brilliant mob of a ball-room. Sometimes, as it has been before said, a friend is seen squeezed like yourself, at the other end of the room, without a possibility of your communicat- ing, except by signs ; and as the whole arrange- ment of the society is regulated by mechanical pressure, you may happen to be pushed against those to whom you do not wish to speak, whether bores, slight acquaintances, or determined ene- mies. Confined by the crowd, stifled by the heat, dazzled by the light, all powers of intellect are obscured ; wit loses its point, and sagacity its ob- servation ; indeed, the limbs are so crushed, and the tongue so parched, that, except particularly undressed ladies, all are in the case of the travel- ler, Dr. Clarke, when he says, that in the plains of Syria, some might blame him for not making moral reflections on the state of the country ; but that he must own that the heat quite deprived him of all power of thought. Hence it is, that the con- versation you hear around you is generally nothing more than " Have you been here long ? Have you been at Mrs. H 's ? Are you going to Lady D 's?" Hence too, Madam de Stael said very justly to an Englishman, " Dans vos routes le corps fait plus de frai que Tesprit." But even if there are persons of a constitution robust enough 278 ROUND OF FASHIONABLE DELIGHTS. to talk, they dare not do so, when twenty heads are forced into the compass of one square foot ; nay, even if, to your great delight, you see a person to whom you have much to say, and by fair means or foul, elbows and toes, knees and shoulders, have got near him, he often dismisses you with shak- ing you by the hand, and saying My dear Mr. how do you do ? and then continues a conversation with a person whose ear is three inches nearer. At one o'clock, however, the crowd diminishes ; and if you are not tired by the five or six hours of playing at company, which you have already had, you may be very comfortable for the rest of the evening. This however is the round of fashionable company. But I begin to be tired even of the description." " A very luminous and comprehensive view of fashionable society however," said TOM, " sketched by a natural hand in glowing colours, though not exactly in the usual style. I shall not venture to assert whether the subjects are well chosen, but the figures are well grouped, and display consi- derable ability and lively imagination in the painter, though a little confused." " It appears to be a study from nature," said Mortimer. " At least," continued SPARKLE, "it is a study from Real Life, and delineates the London man- ners ; for although I have been a mingler in the gaieties and varieties of a London Life, I have always held the same opinions with respect to the WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE? 2/9 propriety of the manners and customs adopted, and have endeavoured to read as I ran ; and it cannot be denied, that, in the eye of fashion, no- thing can be more amiable than to deviate, or at least to affect a deviation, from nature, for to speak or act according to her dictates, would be con- sidered vulgar and common-place in the last de- gree ; to hear a story and not express an emotion you do not feel, perfectly rude and unmannerly, and among the ladies particularly. To move and think as the heart feels inclined, are offences against politeness that no person can ever in ho- nour or delicacy forgive." " Come, come," said TOM, " don't you be so hard on the blessings of Life " For who that knows the thrilling touch Which Woman's love can give, Would wish to live for aught so much, As bid those beauties live ? For what is life, which all so prize, And all who live approve, Without the fire of Woman's eyes, To bid man live and love ? " SPARKLE affected to laugh, appeared confused, and look'd down for a few moments, and they walk'd on in silence. " I perceive," said TOM, how the matter stands well, I shall not be a tormentor but remember I expect an introduction to the fair enslaver. I thought you ' defy'd the mighty conqueror of of hearts,' and resolved to be free." 280 SOMETHING A-MISS. " Resolutions, as well as promises, are easilv made," said SPARKLE, "but not always so easily accomplished or performed nor are you always accurate in your conceptions of circumstances ; but no matter, your voyages are always made in search of discoveries, and, in spite of your resolu- tions, you may perchance be entrapp'd. But no more of this ; I perceive your raillery is directed to me, and I hope you enjoy it." " Faith," replied TOM, " you know I always enjoy your company, but I don't recollect to have found you in so prosing a humour before Pray, which way are you directing your course?" During the latter part of this conversation, BOB and young Mortimer were employed in admiring the fine piece of water which presented itself to their notice in the Serpentine River. " Merely for a ride," was the reply; "any way you please, to pass away the time." " Mighty cavalier, truly," said TOM ; " but come, here we are at Kensington, let us mount, and away." " Remember, I expect you and Mr. TALLYHO to accompany me in the evening to a family-party. I have already stated my intention, and you are both expected." " Upon these terms then. I am your man, and I think I may answer for my Cousin." By this time they were at the gate, where, find- ing the curricle and the nags all in readiness, SPARKLE and Mortimer were soon horsed, and WHAT WE MUST ALL COME TO. 281 TOM and BOB seated in the curricle. They pro- ceeded to Richmond, taking surveys of the scenery on the road, and discoursing on the usual topics o? such a journey, which being foreign to the pro- fessed intention of this work, are omitted. Suffice it to say they returned refreshed from the excur- sion, and parted with a promise to meet again at nine o'clock, in Grosvenor Square. " Egad!" said DASHALL, as they entered the dining-room, " there is something very mysterious in all this. SPARKLE has hitherto been the life and soul of society : he seems to be deeply smitten with this young Lady, Miss Mortimer, and pro- mises fairly, by his manner, to prove a deserter from our standard, and to inlist under the ban- ners of Hymen." "Not unlikely," replied TALLTHO, "if what we are told be true that it is what we must all come to." " Be that as it may, it ought not to interfere with our pursuits, Real Life in London, though, to be sure, the Ladies, dear creatures, ought not to be forgotten : they are so nearly and dearly inter- woven with our existence, that, without them, Life would be insupportable." After dinner, they prepared for the evening party, and made their appearance in Grosvenor Square, at the appointed hour. But as this will introduce new characters to the Reader, we shall defer our account of them till the next Chapter. 12 2 N 282 THE CENTRE OF ATTRACTION. CHAP. XIII. Ye are stars of the night, ye are gems of the mom, Ye are dew-drops whose lustre illumines the thorn ; And rayless that night is, that morning unblest, When no beam in your eye, lights up peace in the breast; And the sharp thorn of sorrow sinks deep in the heart, Till the sweet lip of Woman assuages the smart ; 'Tis her*s o'er the couch of misfortune to bend, In fondness a lover, in firmness a friend ; And prosperity's hour, be it ever confest, From Woman receives both refinement and zest ; And adorn' d by the bays, or enwreath'd with the willow, Her smile is our meed, and her bosom our pillow. ARRIVED at Grosvenor Square, they found the party consisted of Colonel B , his son and daughter, Miss Mortimer, and her brother, Mr. Sparkle, Mr. Merrywell, and Lady Lovelace. The first salutations of introduction being over, there was time to observe the company, among whom, Miss Mortimer appeared to be the principal mag- net of attraction. The old Colonel was proud to see the friends of-Mr. SPARKLE, and had previously given a hearty welcome to Mr. Merrywell, as the friend of his nephew, the young Mortimer. Sparkle now appeared the gayest of the gay, and had been amusing the company with some of fiis liveliest descriptions of character and manners, that are to be witnessed in the metropolis. While Merrywell, who did not seem to be pleased with TEA TABLE CHIT-CHAT. 283 the particular attentions he paid to Miss Morti- mer, was in close conversation with her brother. TOM could not but acknowledge that it was scarcely possible to see Miss Mortimer, without feelings of a nature which he had scarcely expe- rienced before. The elegant neatness of her dress was calculated to display the beauty of her form, and the vivid flashes of a dark eye were so many irresistible attacks upon the heart ; a sweet voice, and smiling countenance, appeared to throw a ra- diance around the room, and illuminate the visages of the whole party, while Lady Lovelace and Maria B served as a contrast to heighten that effect which they envied and reproved. While tea was preparing, after which it was proposed to take a rubber at cards, a sort of general conversation took place ; the preparations for the Coronation, the new novels of the day, and the amusements of the theatre, were canvassed in turn ; and speaking of the writings of Sir Walter Scott, as the pre- sumed author of the celebrated Scotch novels, Lady Lovelace declared she found it impossible to procure the last published from the library, notwithstanding her name had been long on the list, so much was it in request. SPARKLE replied, " That he had purchased the Novel, and would willingly lend it to the ladies. As for the Libraries," continued he, " they are good places of accommodation, but it is impossible to please every one, either there or any where else ; they are however very amusing at times, and as a 284 THE CIRCULATING LIBRARY. proof it, I strolled the other morning to a Gircu- Ming Library, for the express purpose of loung- ing away an hour in digesting the politics and news of the day; but the curious scenes to which I was witness during this short period, so distracted my attention, that, despite of the grave subjects on which I was meditating, I could not resist lending an attentive ear to all that passed around me. There was something of originality in the counte- nance of the Master of the Library which struck me forcibly ; and the whimsical answers which he made to his numerous subscribers, and the yet more whimsical tone in which they were pronounced, more than once provoked a smile. The first per- son who attracted my notice was a fine showy looking woman, dressed in the extreme of fashion,, with a bloom upon her cheek, which might have emulated that of the rose, with this exception, that it wanted the charm of nature. Putting a list into the hands of the Bookseller, she inquired if he had any of the productions the names of which were there transcribed. Glancing his eye over the paper, he replied (with an archness which not a little disconcerted her, and which probably occa- sioned her abrupt disappearance,) " The Fine Lady" Madam, is seldom or ever at home ; but Family Secrets we are always ready to let out." ' Characters of Eminent Men' growled out a little vulgar consequential Citizen, whose countenance bore the stamp of that insufferable dullness that might almost tempt one to imagine him incapable PALPABLE HITS. 285 of comprehending the meaning of the words which he pronounced with an air of so much self- importance; ' Characters of Eminent Men, 195,' repeated the Snarler, in the same tone, ' I much fear if we can boast a quarter of that number, eh ! Mr. Margin ?' " I fear not, Sir," replied Margin; *' but such as we have are very much at your ser- vice." * Better be in the service of the nation than in mine, by far,' said the little purse-proud gentle- man, shrugging his shoulders very significantly. " Shall I send it for you, Sir?" said Margin, with- out noticing the last remark. ' By no means, by no means ; the volume is not so large, it won't encumber me much ; I believe I shall find it small enough to put in my pocket,' pursued the little greac man, grinning at the shrewdness of his own observations, and stalking out with as much self- complacency as he had stalked in. I knew the man well, and could not help laughing at the lofty airs he assumed, at the manner in which he affected to decry all his countrymen without mercy, at his unwillingness to acknowledge any talent amongst them, though he himself was a man of that plod- ding description who neither ever had done, nor ever could do any thing to entitle him to claim dis - tinction of any sort. The young Coxcomb who next entered, was a direct contrast to the last ap- plicant, both in person and manner. Approaching with a fashionable contortion, he stretched out his lady-like hand, and in the most languid and affect- ed tone imaginable, inquired for the Idler. "That, 286 LIBRARY WIT. Sir," said Margin, " is amongst the works we have unhappily lost, but you will be sure to meet with it at any of the fashionable libraries in the neigh- bourhood of Bond Street or St. James's." The young Fop had just sense enough to perceive that the shaft was aimed at him, but not enough to relish the joke, or correct the follies which pro- voked it, and turned abruptly on his heel. He was met at the door by a sentimental boarding-school Miss, who came flying into the shop in defiance of her governess, and inquired, in a very pathetic tone, for The Constant Lover. "That, I am afraid," said Margin, " is not amongst our col- lection." ' Dear me,' lisped the young lady, with an air of chagrin, ' that's very provoking, I thought that was what every one had.' " Give me leave to assure you, Ma'am, that you are quite mis- taken. I fancy you will find that it it is not to be met with all over London." An old Gentleman of the old school, whose clothes were decidedly the *?vt of the last century, and whose stiff and formal manners were precisely of the same date with his habiliments, next came hobbling in. Poring through his spectacles over the catalogue which lay upon the counter, the first thing which caught his eye, was An Essay upon Old Maids. " Tom, Tom," said the complaisant Librarian, calling to a lad at the other end of the shop, " reach down the Old Maids for the gentleman. They won't appear to advantage, I'm afraid, a little dusty or damaged, with having laid so long upon the shelf, " he added, FITTING ON THE CAP. 287 with a simper, which was not lost upon any one present. A melancholy looking man, in whose countenance meekness and insipidity were alike plainly depicted, now came forward, inquiring, in an under, and what might almost be designated an alarmed tone of voice, for The Impertinent Wife ; a female, who hung upon his arm, interrupted hira by entreating, or rather insisting in no very gentle tone, 'that he would ask for something better worth having.' Margin, affecting only to hear the former speaker, immediately produced the book in question, and observed, with much naivete, " that the Impertinent Wife was sure to be in the way at all hours," at the same time not omitting to recommend Discipline as " a better work." A young man, whom I knew to be one of the greatest fortune hunters about town, with an air of consummate assurance, put out his hand for Dis- interested Marriage. " That's a thing quite out of date never thought of now, Sir," said Margin, who knew him as well as myself ; " Allow me to recommend something of more recent date, some- thing more sought after in the fashionable world, Splendid Misery, Sir, or The young man heard no more : spite of his impudence, he was so abashed by the reply, that he made a hasty retreat. The last person whom I thought it worth my while to notice, was a tall, meagre looking man, whom 1 recollected to have seen pointed out to me as a wit, and a genius of the first order. His wit was, however, of that j&ingerous sort which caused his 288 EDGED TOOLS. company to be rather shunned than courted ; and it was very evident, from his appearance, that he had not had the wit to work himself into the good graces of those who might have had it in their power to befriend him. Though he spoke in a very low tone, I soon found that he was inquiring for Plain Seme. On Margin's replying, with much nonchalance, that Plain Sense had of late become very rare, finding himself disappointed in his first application, his next aim was Patronage. " That, Sir, (said the wary bookseller is so much sought after, that I really cannot promise it to you at pre- sent; but if, as I conclude, you merely want some- thing to beguile a leisure hour or two, probably The Discontented Man will answer the purpose very well." To this description of SPARKLE, the whole com- pany listened with attention and delight, frequently interrupting him with bursts of laughter. Tea was handed round, and then cards introduced. Young Mortimer and Merrywell seemed to take but little interest in the play, and evidently dis- covered their anxiety to be liberated, having some other object in view. Mortimer felt no great por- tion of pleasure in passing his time with his uncle, the Colonel, nor with his sister, Lady Lovelace, who was a perfect model of London affectation ; besides, his friend Mr. Merrywell, who was to him what TOM DASHALL and SPARKLE had been to TALLYHO, had made an engagement to introduce him to some of his dashing acquaintances in the BREAKING U? 289 West. Nods and winks were interchanged be- tween them, and could not but be noticed by TOM and BOB, though SPARKLE was so intent upon the amusements of the moment, and the company of the lovely Caroline, as to appear immoveable. Mr. Merry well at length stated that he must be compelled to quit the party. Young Mortimer also apologized ; for as he and his friend were en- gaged for an early excursion in the morning, he should take a bed at his habitation, in order to be fully prepared. This was the first steo to break- ing up the party. Merry well called SPARKLE on one side, sayinghe had something of importance to communicate. It was twelve o'clock, and the gentlemen, after tak- ing a formal leave of the ladies and the Colonel, and a promise on the part of SPARKLE to meet them again the next morning at twelve, to escort them to the Exhibition, left the house. "lam really happy," said Merry well to SPARK as they passed the door, " to have had the honour of this introduction, and shall have much pleasure in becoming better acquainted with Mr. SPARKLE, who, though personally unknown to me, his name and fame are familiar. Mr. Mortimer and myself are going to take a review of the neighbourhood of St. James's, probably to shake mi elbow." " Excellent," said TOM ; " here is a fine oppor- tunity for Mr. TALLY MO to take a little survey, and, if agreeable, we will join the party. Though I am by no means a friend to gaining, I conceive it 13. 2 o 200 GAMING. necessary that every person should see the haunts ot' its votaries, and the arts they make use of, in order to avoid them." '* You are right, and therefore let us have a peep at them." With this they walk'd on, listen- ing with attention to the following lines, which were recited by SPARKLE: " Behold yon group, fast fix't at break of day, Whose haggard looks a sleepless night betray, With stern attention, silent and profound, The mystic table closely they surround ; Their eager eyes with eager motions join, As men who meditate some vast design : Sure, these are Statesmen, met for public good, For some among them boast of noble blood : Or are they traitors, holding close debate On desp'rate means to overthrow the State ? For there are men among them whose domains And goods and chattels lie within their brains. No, these are students of the blackest art That can corrupt the morals or the heart ; Yet are they oft in fashion's ranks preferrod, And men of honour, if you take their word. But they can plunder, pillage, and devour, More than poor rollers, at the midnight hour ; Lay deeper schemes to manage lucky hits, Than artful swindlers, living by their wits. Like cunning fowlers, spread th' alluring snare, And glory when they pluck a pigeon bare. These are our gamesters, who have basely made The cards >nd dice their study and their trade."* Gaming is generally understood to have been invented by Ac Lydians, when they were under the pressure of a great fa- mine. To divert themselves from dwelling on their sufferings, HELLS CHEEKS BLACK-T.KOS. 291 "True," said Merrywell, as SPARKLE con- cluded, though be did not like the satire upon his own favourite pursuit ; " those delineations are correct, and the versification good, as far as it applies to the worst species of the gaming-house." " O," said TOM, " then pray, Sir, which is the worst ? " " Nonsense," said SPARKLE, " there is neither worst nor best ; these Hells are all alike. Sharks, Greeks, Gamblers, Knowing Ones, Black-legs, and Levanters, are to be met with at them all, and they meet to bite one another s heads off. " An admirable description, truly, of the com- pany you are about to introduce us to, Gentle- men," said TALLYHO. " I don't understand Greeks, Hells, and Black legs," said Mortimer, " and should like an expla- nation "With all my heart," replied SPARKLE "Hell is the general title now given to any well-known gaming-house, and really appears to be well cho- sen ; for all the miseries that can fall to the lot of human nature, are to be found in those receptacles of idleness, duplicity, and villainy. Gaming is an they contrived the balls, tables^&c. and, in order to bear their calamity the better, were accustomed to play for the whole day together, without interruption, that they might not be rack'J with the thought of food, which they could not obtain. It is not a little extraordinary that this invention, which was originally in- tended as a remedy for hunger, is now a very common cause of tJiat v;ry evil. 292 MODERN HELLS GREEKS, ETC. estate to which all the world has a pretence, though few espouse it who are willing to secure either their estates or reputations : and these Hells may fairlv be considered as so many half-way houses to the Fleet or King's Bench Prisons, or some more desperate end. The love of play is the most in- curable of insanities ; robbery, suicide, and the extensive ruin of whole families, have been known to proceed from this unfortunate and fatal pro- pensity. " Greeks, Gamblers, Knowing Ones, and Black- legs, are synonimous terms, applied to the fre- quenters of the modern Hells, or Gaming-houses, and may be distinguished from the rest of society by the following peculiarities in pursuits and manners. The Greeks of the present day, though they may not lay claim to, or boast of all the attributes of the Greeks of antiquity, must certainly be al- lowed to possess that quality for which the latter were ever so celebrated, namely, cunning and wariness : for although no modern Greek can be said to have any resemblance to Achilles, Ajax, Patroclus, or Nestor, in point of courage, strength, fidelity, or wisdom he may nevertheless boast of being a close copier of the equally renowned chief of Ithaca. You will find him in most societies, habited like a gentleman ; his clothes are of he newest fashion, and his manners of the highest polish, with every appearance of candour and honour; while !e subsists by un r .iir play at dice, HOW TO BECOME A GREEK. 293 cards, and billiards, deceiving and defrauding all those with whom lie may engage; disregarding the professions of friendship and intimacy, which are continually falling from his lips. " To become a good Greek (which, by the way, is a contradiction) it will be found necessary to follow these instructions : " In the first place, he should be able to com- mand his temper ; he should speak but little, and when he does mingle in conversation, he should most decicfedly deprecate play, as a source of the greatest evil that can prey upon society, and elu- cidate its tendencies by striking examples which are well known to himself, and which are so for cibly impressed upon his recollection, that he is determined never to play deep again, but has no objection to a sociable and friendly game now and then, just to pass the time away a little agreeably. By this means he may readily mark down his man, and the game once in view, he should not appear too eager in the pursuit of it, but take good care, as the proverb says, to give a sprat, in order to catch a herring. This should be done by allow- ing some temporary success, before he make a final hit. " There is perhaps no art which requires so much of continual practice as that of Greekery. It is therefore necessary, that the professor should frequently exercise himself in private with cards and dice, in order that his digits may be trained to a proper degree of agility, upon which the success 294 PIGEONING. of his art principally depends. He should also be accustomed to work with some younger man than himself, who, having once been a pigeon, is become a naute, that is enlightened and will not V cach consequently, he serves as an excellent iecoy to others. " To ascertain the property of the pigeon he intends to pluck, is another essential requisite ; and when this important information is obtained, (which should be before he commences operations) he should affect the utmost liberality as to time, &c. and make a show of extending every honourable facility to his opponent, even by orlers ot pecuniary assistance ; by which means, (if he should be for- tunate enough to have it accepted) he may pro- fcably, by good management, obtain a legal secu- rity from him, and thus be enabled to fasten on his prey whenever he pleases. " The title of a military man, such as Captain, is very useful to the Greek, as it introduces him well to society, and if he has once held a commis- sion in the army, so much the better. If not, it can be assumed, so that if any unpleasant regimen- tal peculation should be introduced, he may place his hand on the left side of his breast, declare he is astonished and alarmed at the calumnious spirit of the times, shake his head, and interlard his conversation with common-place ejaculations; such as the following Indeed No \V r hy I know Harry very well he's a bit of a blood can it be possible I should not have thought it bless my VALUABLE INSTRUCTIONS. 295 heart exactly so good God a devilish good joke tho' that's very true, says I so says he, &c. &c " A Greek should be a man of some personal courage, never shrink from a ro^ nor be afraid to fight a duel. He should be able to bully, blus- ter, swagger and swear, as occasion may require ; nay, in desperate cases, such as peaching, &c. he should not object even to assassination. He should invite large parties to dine with him frequently, and have a particular sort of wine for particular companies. He should likewise be able to swal- low a tolerable quantity of the juice of the grape himself, as well as know how to appear as if he were drinking, when he is merely passing the bottle, and so manage it passing, as to seem drunk at proper times. When good opportunities present themselves for the exercise of his art, and when a hit is really to be made, he should positively refuse to suffer play of any kind in his house, alleging that he has seen enough of it, and cut the concern. This serves to increase the desire for it in others. On any decisive occasion, when a train is known to be well laid, he should appear to be drunk be- fore any one of the party ; in which case he should take care beforehand to instruct his decoy to pluck the pigeon, while he, as a supposed observer, is betting with some one in the company, (of course an accomolice^ and is also a loser " Greeks, who Know eacn otner, are enabled to convuy information by means of private signals, without uttering a word, and consequently with- DOWN AS A HAMMER. out detection. At whist, or other games on the cards, fingrers are admirable conveyancers of in- telligence, and by dexterous performers are so managed, as tAL re/ UUIN. 3uo " They smile and smile, and murder while they smile." They will explain the fairness of the game, to be a very frequent practice of these misled young men, when they have been initiated, and have the temporary command of nrtmey belonging to their employers, to go to the Rouge et No>r tables, armed (as they think) with impenetrable armour a large sum ; and, in the hope of profiting to a certain amount, risk that property, the loss of which would be the loss of every thing dear to them in society. They believe, from the greatness of the amount they possess, that they can command a small gain, and not for a moment doubt they will be able *a replace or return the money entrusted to their care ; but little do they know the fickleness of luck, and less do they suspect the odds and imposing roguery arrayed against them. Their first loss is trifling, but they have to win that back in addition to their expected profits; for this purpose they stake a larger sum, which, if they lose, increases their task, and so on, until the half-frantic victims see no hope but desperation, and their re- maining stock is placed upon the chance of a single card. Tr>e event closes, and the man who yesterday enjoyed the good opinion of the world, and the esteem and confidence of his friends, to-day becomes the veriest outcast of society ! These are common cases, one of which, for example, we will describe as the facts occurred : In the year 1816, a Clerk, possessing the highest reputation, became a frequenter of a Rouge et Noir table. From the nature of his employment, he had daily the com- mand of large sums, which, for a short time, he risked at play successfully. One day, however, he brought with him his em- ployer's money, to the amount of 1700/., the whole of which, in two days, he lost. We may judge of the unhappy young man's feelings by his subsequent conduct. He wrote a confession of the affair to the man he wronged, retired to a tavern, and blew his brains out ! These gaming-tables open at half-past twelve o'clock, con- tinue their orgies until five, and recommence at seven in the evening. How many young men are passing thrir door* at 2 Q 30C HELL BROKi: UP, AND ana tell you of the great losses they have sus tained ; but as this is no place for explanation, we mmst look on and say nothing.** By this time, Merry well and Mortimer were mingled in the throng at the table. SPARKLE was engaged in conversation with an old acquaintance, a profusion of money was flying about, and a large heap or bank was placed in the centre. All was anxiety, and, for a few moments, no sound was heard, but the awful numbers of the eventful dea- ler ; every countenance was hushed in expecta tion, and every eye was fixed upon the coming card, which should decide the fate of hundreds. It was an awful moment to every one engaged in the play ; but the pause was succeeded with a sort of harlequinade movement, to a scene of con- fusion and uproar scarcely to be conceived. The appearance at the door of half a dozen persons armed with pistols, rushing past the guar- dians, and bearing away all before them, had such an instantaneous effect upon the company, that they all arose, as it were, to receive them, and the these hoars with the property of others in their pockets ! and what a temptation to risk it ! It would seem as if these places were set op as shops designed chiefly for the accommodation of mid-day dealers in ill-fortune, as if levelled directly at those men who cannot or will not spend their nights in gambling ; and how the proprietors contrive to escape detection and punishment is surprising, considering that the law affords ample means to put them down. THE DEVTT. TO PAY. 307 eader of the party threw himself suddenly upon the pile of Bank-notes in the centre of the table, with intent to seize the whole bank. Confusion and dismay were now visibly depicted on every countenance, for some, actuated by des- peration at the prospect of ruin, and others by the urgings of avarice, determined to have a scramble for the notes, which they commenced most furi- ously, each one securing as much as he could to himself. There was tumbling and tossing, and pul- ling and shoving, mouths stuffed with hundreds, hundreds of mouths that were supperless, and likely to continue so, unless they could now make sure of something. Bank paper was literally going for nothing. However, the pistols being the most powerful, the armed forces succeeded in seizing the greatest share of the stock, and a negative sort of silence was at length restored. The party was materially decreased ; for, seeing they were betrayed, every one, after an endeavour to secure a share of the spoil, deemed it necessary to make good his retreat ; and among the rest, our party, who had not interfered with the p lay, or assisted in the entertainment, soon found themselves in the. street " Egad," said SPARKLE, " I think we are in luck to escape so easily ; we might have been com- pelled to make our appearance at Bow Street to-morrow, an occurrence I would studiously avoid." " Well done, old steady," said TOM ; " it is not NOBL GREEKS AND H3EONI. .ong, you know, since you was there, after a night's lodging in the neighbourhood." " That was under very different circumstances,** continued SPARKLE ; "in defence of a woman I would risk my life at any time, but I would by no means incur the imputation of being a gambler it is a character I abhor. I have before said I would never venture into those dens again, to herd with swindlers of all descriptions." " They all seem gay fellows, too," said BOB. " Yes," replied SPARKLE; "but the character and conduct of a young man has ere now beun altered in one night : the evil effects produced by initiation to those Hells are incalculable." " Moralizing at midnight," said TOM ; "an ex- cellent title for a volume of sparkling contem- plations. "To be written by the Hon. TOM DASHALL, or the Merry Devil of. Piccadilly," was the reply. " Huzza !" said Merry well, " if this is the case, our time will not be lost in this excursion. Did you hear that Lord has been compelled to put down his establishment in consequence of his losses at play ? pray don't forget to mention lhat in the work." "Tis no new thing," continued SPARKLE, "for Lords of the present day, since I believe there are few of the nobility who are not either Greeks or Pigeons; indeed, the list of visitors to these places contains names of many persons who should set better examples to the humbler classes of the A STORY. 309 community; for the unfortunate results of this too fatal propensity to parents and society have been severely felt. Among many instances on record, a very interesting one is related of a young Subaltern in a regiment of cavalry,- who, by suc- cessive losses, was reduced to such a state of dis- tress, as to form the desperate resolution of trying the road. In a moment of agony, he accidentally met with an opportunity which seemed to favour his design, having learned that a certain Baronet, recently returned from India with abundance of wealth, had laid it out on landed estates in Eng- land, and that he would on a certain day cross the country with a large sum of money, after collect- ing his rents. " He laid his plan for a meeting on a retired spot, and succeeded in stopping the carriage ' Your money or your life,' said he, presenting his pistol with a trembling hand. The Baronet, perceiving there was a sort of gentlemanly air about him which indicated something n\ore than might be calculated on in the character of a highwayman, presented him with his purse, a watch, and a valuable diamond ring, remarking, he could not help conceiving that he was unac- customed to the trade, and that it was most do sirable he should abandon it for ever. The young Officer, though considerably confused and embar- rassed by this observation, was not to be disap- pointed of his booty, returned this property, -and demanded the larger sum, which ibr safety had 310 A STOR\. been concealed in the bottom of the carriage. The manner however in which this was done, only served to confirm the suspicions of the Baronet, which he could not help expressing, as he acknow- ledged the accuracy of the Highwayman's infor- mation, and produced the property, observing, he was sure that circumstances of no common kind could have impelled him to this flagrant breach of the laws. He asked as a favour, that he would grant him an interview at some future period, pledging his honour that he should have no occa- sion to repent such a singular mark of confidence. " The Officer replied that he had, and he felt he could with safety trust both his life and his nonour in the veracity of Sir- , and appointed a meeting at the London Coffee House, Ludgate Hill, only stipulating, that at such meeting both parties were to be unattended. As the day of meeting approached, the Baronet thought seriously of the solicited rencontre, and after enjoining per- fect secresy on the part of his friend, Col. - , entreated him to be his companion. The Colonel laughed at the idea, that any man who had robbed another should so indiscreetly place his life in his hands, had no conception of his keeping his appointment, and solemnly assured the Baronet that he would in no case divulge who or what he was, that he might become acquainted with. " The Colonel ridiculed his friend's credulity as they entered the house, and were shewn to a pri- vate room. The appointed hour was eight in the A STOR1. 311 evening, and, as the clock of St. Paul's struck, a Gentleman inquiring for Sir was shewn into the room wine was ordered, and for an hour a general conversation on the popular topics of the day ensued, when the Gentleman, evidently under deeply impressed feelings of embarrassment and disappointment, in which the Colonel seemed to partake, arose, and politely took his leave. " ' Well,' said the Baronet, ' what think you of my Highwayman now ? am I not right ? is he not a gentleman ? ' " 'And this is the robber, is it, Sir?' said the Colonel ' Be assured he shall swing for it why, Sir, I know him well, he is a in my own regiment.' " ' Hold/ said the Baronet, ' don't be rash, remember the solemn promise you have given, and do not deceive me I hold you bound to me, and will not permit you to break your engagemen I have better objects in view than the death of a fellow-creature/ He then requested to be informed of the gene- ral tenor of the young man's conduct, which he found to be excellent, and that he was an indefa- tigable officer ' Indeed,' said the Colonel, ' it would give me the greatest pain to lose him an incomparably affectionate husband and father. He has but one vice, to which may be attributed his destruction, viz. his inordinate passion for gaming ; but I cannot feel justified in screening so flagrant an offender the law must take its course 312 A STORY. " ' Moderate your indignation,* said the worthy Baronet, assuming a more serious tone, ' and remember you must be personally answerable to me for any disclosure you may think proper to make ; and that inasmuch as you injure him, you must injure me. You have already given him so high a character in every respect but one, that I must interest you further in his behalf, and beg you to assist me in my endeavours to reclaim, in- stead of punishing him.' " The Colonel was surprised ; but the Baronet was inflexible. In vain he urged that the magni- tude of the crime utterly precluded such a pro- ceeding. " ' It must be done,' said the Baronet, ' it shall be done. Leave all the consequences to me ; he has now left us in extreme, though suppressed agitation There is no time to lose fly to save him.' " The Colonel expressed his readiness to try the experiment. " ' Then,' said the Baronet, ' follow him imme- diately, assure him of my forgiveness, and that if he will pledge his word to forsake this dangerous vice, what he has already obtained he may hold as a gift, and I will add whatever may be necessary to extricate him from any temporary embarrass- ment.' " It was an important embassy life or death was to be decided by it. The Colonel took his depar- ture, certain of finding him at home taking leave THE WANDERER RECLAIMED. 313 of his family, and, reaching his habitation a short time after his arrival, witnessed a scene of misery which, although he had partly anticipated, he could not have conceived. He found him, sur- rounded by his wife and children, in an agony of desperation and despair. " When he entered the apartment, the poor cul- prit, convinced by the presence of his Colonel that all was lost, fell on his knees, and supplicated if possible that his fame, not his life, might be spared for the sake of his afflicted but innocent and injured family. Language has no power to de- scribe the surprise and consternation with which, after a severe lecture, he received the joyful in- telligence of which his Colonel was the bearer. He returned with his Commanding Officer to . Square, where he was received by the Baronet as a repentant friend ; and has lived to repair his error, and become deservedly distin- guished as an ornament to society, civil and re- ligious as well as military." " That must be truly gratifying to the worthy Baronet," said TOM. "No doubt of it," continued SPARKLE, "it must be a source of continued pleasure to find his labours have had so beneficial a result, having in all probability saved a whole family from de- struction. Surely it may be said, that " Among the idiot pranks of Wealth's abuse, None seem so monstrous, none have less excuse, 14. 2 R 314 SWINDLING JEWS. Than those which throw an heritage away Upon the lawless chance of desperate play ; Nor is there among knaves a wretch more bas Than he who steals it with a smiling face, Who makes diversion to destruction tend, And thrives upon the ruin of a friend." " Yet the Greek, like the swindler* and the horse jockey, prides himself on his success, boasts of his being down as a nail, and " * Swindler Is a term originally derived from the German, SCHWINDEL, which signifies merely to cheat. It was first intro- duced as a cant term, and used to signify obtaining of goods, credit, or money, under false pretences. It has since had a legislative adoption, being parliamentarily recognised by an Act for the prevention of it. The artifices, schemes, and crimes re- sorted to by these gentry, are so numerous that it would be impos- - sible to describe them all. One mode of practice, however, is-not uncommon in London. . . Three or four swell Jews contrive to hire a large house with some spare rooms, in the City, that are turned into warehouses, in which are a number of casks, boxes, &c. filled with sand; and also a quantity of large sugar -loaves in appearance, which are only clay done up in blue paper, but corded and made up with great nicety. An elegant Counting-house is likewise furnished with hooka and other apparatus, to deceive the eye and give the appearance of extensive business, great regularity, and large property. Tie Clerks in attendance are a set of Jews, who are privy to the scheme, and equally ready at fraud as those who profess to be the Principals. A Dining-room elegantly furnished upon the mace,* receives a The MaceIs a person who carries all the appearance of a great and rich man, with servants, carriages, &c. for the purpose of defrauding tradesmen and others, by all manner of plans most alculated to entrap the parties they intend to dupe. MERCANTILE FRAUDS. 315 "Down as a nail!" said BOB, " I don't re- member hearing that expression before." " Down as a hammer, or Down as a nail" con- tinued SPARKLE, " are cant or slang terms made use of among gamblers, and are synonimous with being up; and it must be confessed that there are you whenever it is necessary to admit of your visits ; a Black Servant opens the street-door, and the foot of the stair-case pre- sents surtouts, boots, livery-cloths, a large blue-coat with a yellow cape, and habiliments in which the opulent array their servants. With these and similar merchant-like appearances Trade is com- menced, and persons dispatched to provincial manufacturing towns, to buy various articles ; for the amount of the first pur- chases, bills are drawn upon the Firm, and even before the goods are packed up, and sent according to order, the acceptance* are paid, and, by this means, credit is partly established, which, once accomplished, they are in want of large assortments for ex- portation upon credit, at one, two, and three months. The goods are accordingly chosen and forwarded to their associates in London, where they are immediately disposed of at 20 or 30 per cent, cheaper than the prime cost, and the money realized. The first bills become due, are noted, and protested. The second are presented, but the House has stopped payment, and the Owners are bankrupts. By the time the third month's bills be- come due, the docket is struck, the Assignees chosen, and there is not sixpence in the pound left for the Creditors. Petitions are ineffectually presented to the Chancellor, for a number of fictitious Creditors, of the same profession and persuasion, over-swear flit just ones, and by exceeding them in number and value, the House obtains its certificate, and has again the power of committing similar depredations, Perhaps the most daring and systematic proceedings of this kind was that lately detected in the conspiracy of Mosely W one and his confederates, for which he is now suflering th sentence of the law. 316 UPS AXD DCWNS. many ups and downs amongst them. These flash words are well understood by many a young Greek, who perhaps knows nothing of the Greek Testa- ment, although the use of them has proved in some cases beyond the comprehension of a Judge. Hence the necessity of knowing Life ; for if a man gets familiarized with low life, he wil-1 neces- sarily be up, and consequently stand a great chance of being a rising genius. How proper it must be to know how to get a rise upon a fellow, or, in other words, to get him in a line! " A learned Judge onpe, examining a queer covy, a flash customer, or a rum fellow, asked him his reason for suspecting the prisoner at the bar of stealing a watch, (which among the lads is scien- tifically termed nimming a taller, or nabbing a clicker,} replied as follows : ' Why, your honour only because you see as how I was up to him.' ' How do you mean, what is being up to him ? ' ' Why bless your heart, I was down upon him, and had him bang' But still perceiving the learned Gentleman's want of nous, he endeavoured to ex- olain by saying, That he was up to his gossip, that he stagged him, for he was not to be done that he knew the trick, and was up the moment the chap came into the Cock and Hen Club, where he was tucking in his grub and bub. Had the learned Judge been up himself, much time and trouble might have been saved ; and indeed the importance of being down as a nail, to a man of fashion, is almost incalculable; for this reason it is, HIGH FELLOWS. 317 that men of high spirit think it no derogation from their dignity or rank, to be w r ell acquainted with all the slang of the coachman and stable-boy, all th glossary of the Fancy, and all the mysterious Ian- N guage of the scamps, the pads, the divers, and all upon the lay, which, by an attentive and apt scho- lar, may easily be procured at a Gaming-house. " Of Hells in general, it may fairly be asserted, that they are infernally productive ; no other line of business can be compared to these money mills, since they are all thriving concerns, the proprie- tors of which keep their country houses, exten- sive establishments, dashing equipages ; and " While they have money they ride it in chaises, And look very big upon those that have none." " It certainly is a pity that merHdo not keep constantly in their recollection, tshat no calcula- tion of chances can avail them, and that between the aprts,, the limitation of stakes, and other^ manoeuvres, the table must eventually be an kn- mense winner. lf For Greeks stick at nothing to gain their own ends, And they sacrifice all their acquaintance and friends ; And thus luckless P n, to gain what he'd lost, Put his faith in a Greek, which he knows to his cost ; Join'd a Bank, as he thought, when the sly Greeting elf Of a friend soon contriv'd for to break it himseff. You credulous pigeons J I would have you beware, Of falling yourselves in a similar snare." " We ought to consider ourselves greatly tibliged," said Merrywell, " for the accurate de- 318 NOBLE SPECULATIONS. scription of characters you have given. But have you heard the report that is now in circulation, that a certain Marquis of high military celebrity, and whose property is, or was, very considerable, has lost almost his last shilling?" " I," said SPARKLE, " am seldom surprised at such rumours, particularly of persons who are known to be players, for they are rich and poor in rapid succession ; but if there be any truth in the report, there is a fine example of perseverance before him for Lord , after a long run of ill-luck, being refused the loan of an additional rouleau,* on account of his score being rather long, left the company in dudgeon, and deter- mining on revenge, actually opened another Hell in opposition to the one he had left, and by that means recovered all his money." " That was well done," rejoined TALLYHO. " It was rather too much of a trading concern for a Lord," said TOM. " Not for a gambling Lord," replied Merry well ; " for there is in fact nothing beneath a Greek, in the way of play : besides, it was a trying situation, and required some desperate attempt they care not who they associate with, so they do but bring grist to the mill." * A Rouleau Is a packet containing one hundred guineas; but as guineas are not quite so fashionable in the present day as they formerly were, some of these Houses, for the accommo- dation of their customers, circulate guinea- notes upon their bankers. MINGLED COMPANT. 319 " The confusion of persons and characters at a Gaming-house," said SPARKLE, " are almost in- credible, all ranks and descriptions are mingled together. " What confusion of titles and persons we see Amongst Gamesters, who spring out of every degree, From the prince to the pauper ; all panting for play, Their fortune, their time, and their life pass away ; Just as mingled are Pigeons, for 'tis no rebuke For a Greek to pluck all, from a Groom to a Duke." " It is too true," said DASHALL, " and equally as certain, that there are con nually new comers ready and willing to be duped, or at least ready to risk their property, notwithstanding the warnings they have from their more experienced friends." " And is there no possibility of obtaining fair play?'' inquired BOB, " or redress for being pigeon d as you term it?" " None," said SPARKLE ; " for if men will play at bowls, they must expect rubbers ; and the sys- tem of confederacy is carried on every where, though perhaps with most success in those pro- fessed Gambling-houses, which young men of property ought carefully to avoid." By this time they had reached the end of* St. James's Street; it was therefore proposed by SPARKLE that they should separate, particularly as it was growing late, or rather early in the morning ; and, as they had been in some degree baffled in their attempt to take a minute survey of the pro- ceedings in Pall Mall, they had no decided object 320 SEVERE STUDIES. in view. Accordingly they parted, TOM and BOB pursuing their way along Piccadilly, while Spar- kle, Merrywell, and Mortimer, proceeded down Bond Street " I am by no means satisfied," said TOM, " with this evening's ramble, nor exactly pleased to fiad our friend SPARKLE is getting so sentimental." " He is, at least," said TALLYHO, " very com- municative and instructive I should feel less em- barrassment at a future visit to one of those places, though, I can assure you, I should carefully avoid the chance of becoming a pigeon ; but to know these things is certainly useful." " We must lay our plans better for the future." said.ToM " example is better than precept ; and as for SPARKLE, I strongly suspect he is studying a part in All for Love, or the World well lost. That kind of study is too laborious for me, I can't bear to be fettered ; or if it be true that it is what we must all come to, my time is not yet arrived. Though I confess Miss Mortimer has many attrac- tions not to be overlooked by an attentive obser- ver ; at the same time I perceive this Mr. Merry- well is equally assiduous to obtain the young lady's favours." By this time they had arrived at home, where, after partaking of refreshment, they retired to rest NEWSPAPER RECREATIONS. 321 CHAP. XVII. ' Cataracts of declamation thunder here, There, forests of no meaning spread the page, In which all comprehension wanders, lost, While fields of pleasantry amuse us there With many descants on a nation's woes. The rest appears a wilderness of strange, But gay confusion roses for the cheeks, And lillies for the brows of faded age ; Teeth for the toothless, ringlets for the bald, Heav'n, earth, and ocean, plunder'd of their sweets 5 Nectareous essences, Olympian dews, Sermons and City feasts, and fav'rite airs, ./Ethereal journeys, submarine exploits, And Katerfelto with his hair on end, At his own wonders wond'ring for his bread." ' WELL," said TOM, " it mnst be confessed that a Newspaper is a most convenient and agreeable companion to the breakfast- table," laying down the Times as he spoke : " it is a sort of literary hotch-potch, calculated to afford amusement suited to all tastes, ranks, and degrees ; it contains " Tales of love and maids mistaken, Of battles fought, and captives taken." " Then, I presume," said BOB, " you have been gratified and interested in the perusal?" " It is impossible to look down the columns of a newspaper," replied TOM, " without finding sub- iects to impart delight ; and of all the journals of 322 VALUE AND IMPORTANCE the present day, the Times, appears to me the best in point of information and conduct ; but I spoke of newspapers generally, there is such a mixture of the utile et dulce, that the Merchant and the Mechanic, the Peer, the Poet, the Prelate and the Peasant are all deeply concerned in its contents. In truth, a newspaper is so true a mark of the caprice of Englishmen, that it may justly be styled their coat of arms. The Turkish Koran is not near so sacred to a rigid Mahometan a parish- dinner to an Overseer a turtle-feast to an Alder- man, or an election to a Freeholder, as a Gazette or Newspaper to an Englishman : by it the mo- tions of the world are watched, and in some degree governed the arts and sciences protected and promoted the virtuous supported and stimulated the vicious reproved and corrected and all informed." " Consequently/' said BOB, "a good News- paper is really a valuable article." ' Doubtless," continued TOM ; " and John Bull mistake me not, I don't mean the paper which bears that title I mean the population of England, enjoy a Newspaper, and there are some who could not relish their breakfasts without one ; it is a sort of general sauce to every thing, and to the quid nunc is indispensable for if one informs hkn of a naval armament, he will not fail to toast the Ad- mirals all round in pint bumpers to each, wishes them success, gets drunk with excessive loyalty, and goes with his head full of seventy-fours, sixty- OF NEWSPAPEKS. 323 fours, frigates, transports, fire-ships, &c. In its diversified pages, persons of every rank, denomi- nation, and pursuit, may be informed the Philo- sopher, the Politician, the Citizen, the Handi- craftsman, and the Gossip, are regaled by the novelty of its contents, the minuteness of its details, and the refreshing arrivals of transactions which occupy the attention of human beings at the greatest or nearest distances from us " a messenger of grief Perhaps to thousands, and of joy to some : What is it but a map of life, Its fluctuations and its vast concerns?" It may with propriety be compared to the plane- tary system: the light which it diffuses round the mental hemisphere, operates according as it is seen, felt, understood, or enjoyed : for instance, the Miser is gladdened by an account of the rise of the stocks the Mariner is rejoiced, at the safety of his vessel after a thunder-storm the Manufac- turer, to hear of the revival of foreign markets the Merchant, that his cargo is safely arrived the Member, that his election is secured the Father, that his son is willing to return home the Poet, that his production has been favourably received by the public the Physician, that a difficult cure is transmitting his fame to posterity the .Actor, that his talents are duly appreciated the Agri- culturist, that grain fetches a good price the up- right man, that his character is defended the poor man, that beer, meat, bread, and vegetables, are 324 POWER OF IMAGINATION. so within his reach that he can assure himself of being able to obtain a good Sunday's dinner. " Tho' they differ in name, all alike, just the same, Morning Chronicle, Times, Advertiser, British Press, Morning Post, of News what a hot We read every day, and grow wiser ; The Examiner, Whig all alive to the gig, While each one his favourite chooses ; Star, Traveller, and Sun, to keep up the fun, And tell all the world what the news is." "Well done," said BOB, "you seem to have them all at your tongue's end, and their general contents in your head ; but, for my part, I am struck with surprise to know how it is they find interesting matter enough at all times to fill their columns." " Nothing more easy," continued DA SHALL, " especially for a newspaper whose contents are not sanctioned by authority ; in which case they are so much the more the receptacle of invention thence We hear it is said a correspondent remarks whereas, &c. all which serve to please, surprise, and inform. We hear, can alter a man's face as the weather would a barometer It is said, can distort another like a fit of the spasm If, can make some cry while Suppose, can make others laugh but a Whereas operates like an electric shock ; and though it often runs the extremity of the kingdom in unison with the rest, they alto- gether form a very agreeable mixture, occasion ally interspersed, as opportunity offers, witii lRIME GIG, LARKS AND SPREES. had purposely provided himself with a long cor gave me one end, and ran to the opposite side o Jermyn Street with the other in his hand, holding it about two feet from the pavement. The old Scouts came up in droves, and we had 'em down in a moment, for every mother's son of the guar- dians were caught in the trap, and roll'd over each other slap into the kennel. Never was such a prime bit of gig! They lay stunn'd with the fall- broken lanterns, staves, rattles, Welsh wigs, night- caps and old hats, were scattered about in abun dance, while grunting, growling, and swearing was heard in all directions. One old buck got his jaw- bone broken ; another staved in two of his crazy timbers, that is to say, broke a couple of ribs ; a third bled from the nose like a pig ; a fourth squinted admirably from a pair of painted peepers ; their num- bers however increasing, we divided our forces and marched in opposite directions ; one party sallied along Bond Street, nailed up a snoosy Charley in his box, and bolted with his lantern: the others were not so fortunate, for A 's deputy cushion thumper, the young one, and the Baronet's brother, got safely lodged in St. James's Watch-house. " Broad daylight now glar'd upon us Lavender retired comfortably upon Madame ia Comtesse in the Bench; Sir M. M. was found chanting Cannons with some Wood nymphs not an hundred and fifty miles off from Leicester Square ; I had the President to carry home on my shoulders, bundled to bed, and there I lay sick for four ana 15. 2 u 338 FEMALE JOCKEYSHIP, twenty hours, when a little inspiring Coniac brought me to my senses again, and now I am ready and ripe for another spree. Stap my vitals if there isn't Lavender my dear fellow, adieu re- member me to Charley Sparkle when you see him by, by." And with this he sprung across the road, leaving BOB and his Cousin to comment at leisure upon his folly They were however soon aroused from their reflections by perceiving a Groom in livery advan- cing rapidly towards them, followed by a curricle, moving at the rate of full nine miles per hour. " Who have we here?" said BOB. " A character well known," said TOM ; " that is Lady L , a dashing female whip of the first order mark how she manages her tits take a peep at her costume, and learn while you look." " More than one steed must Delia's empire feel Who sits triumphant o'er the flying wheel ; And as she guides it through th' admiring throng, With what an air she smacks the silken thong !" The Lady had a small round riding-hat, of blar.k beaver, and sat in the true attitude of a coachman wrists pliant, elbows square,, she handled her whip in a scientific manner ; and had not TOM declared her sex, BOB would hardly have dis- covered it from her outward appearance. She was approaching them at a brisk trot, greeting her numerous acquaintance as she passed with fami- liar nods, at each giving her horses an addi- tional touch, and pursing up her lips to accelerate AND FASHIONABTE PURSUITS. 339 their speed ; indeed, she was so intent upon the management of her reins, and her eyes so fixed upon her cattle, that there was no time for more than a sort of sidelong glance of recognition ; and every additional smack of the whip seem'd to say, " Here I come that's your sort." Her whole man- ner indeed was very similar to what may be witnessed in Stage-coachmen, Hackneymen, and fashionable Ruffians, who appear to think that all merit consists in copying them when they tip a brother whip the go-by, or almost graze the wheel of a Johnny-raw, and turn round with a grin of self-approbation, as much as to say " What d'ye think of that now, eh ? there's a touch for you lord, what aflat you must be ! " BOB gazed with wonder and astonishment as she passed. " How?" said he, "do the ladies of London frequently take the whip ? " " Hand of their husbands as well as their horses," replied TOM "often enough, be assured." " But how, in the name of wonder, do they learn to drive in this style ? " " Easily enough ; inclination and determination will accomplish their objects. Why, among the softer sex, we have female Anatomists female Students in Natural History Sculptors, and Me- chanics of all descriptions Shoe-makers and Match-makers and why not Charioteers ?" " Nay, 1 am not asking why ; but as it appears rather out of the common way, I confess my igno- 340 DELICATE AMUSEMENTS ranee has excited my curiosity on a subject which eems somewhat out of nature." I have before told you, Nature has nothing to do with REAL LIFE IN LONDON." " And yet," continued BOB," we are told, and I cannot help confessing the truth of the assertion, with respect to the ladies, that " Loveliness Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, But is, when unadorned, adorn'd the most." This certainly implies a natural or native grace." " Pshaw," said DASHALL, " that was according to the Old school ; such doctrines are completely exploded now-a-days, for Fashion is at variance with Nature in all her walks ; hence, driving is considered one of the accomplishments necessary to be acquired by the female sex in high life, by which an estimate of character may be formed : for instance if a lady take the reins of her hus- band, her brother, or a lover, it is strongly indi- cative of assuming the mastery ; but should she have no courage or muscular strength, and pays no attention to the art of governing and guiding her cattle, it is plain that she will become no driver, no whip, and may daily run the risk of breaking the necks of herself and friends. If how- ever she should excel in this study, she imme- diately becomes masculine and severe, and she punishes, when occasion requires, every animal within the reach of her lash acquires an ungrace- ful attitude and manner heats her complexion by FOK THE FAIR SEX. 341 over exertion sacrifices her softness to accom- plish her intentions runs a risk of having hard hands, and perhaps a hard heart: at all events she gains unfeniinine habits, and such as are found very difficult to get rid of, and prides herself on being the go, the gaze, the gape, the stare of all who see her." " A very admirable, and no doubt equally happy state," quoth BOB, half interrupting him. " If she learn the art of driving from the family coachman, it cannot be doubted but such tuition is more than likely to give her additional grace, and to teach her all that is polite; and then the pleasure of such company whilst superintending her stu- dies, must tend to improve her mind ; the free- dom of these teachers of coachmanship, and the language peculiar to themselves, at first perhaps not altogether agreeable, is gradually worn away by the pride of becoming an accomplished whip to know how to turn a corner in style tickle Snarler in the ear cut up the yelper take out a flys eye, in bang-up twig" " Excellent ! indeed," cried BOB, charmed with DASHALL'S irony, and willing to provoke it far- ther ; " and pray, when this art of driving is thoroughly learned, what does it tend to but a waste of time, a masculine enjoyment, and a loss of feminine character of that sweet, soft and over- powering submission to and reliance on the other sex, which, whilst it demands our protection and assistance, arouses our dearest sympathies our 342 FEMALE LIFE best interests attaches, enraptuies, and sub- dues us ? " " Nonsense," continued TOM, " you might ask uch questions for a month who cares about these submissions and reliances protections and sym- pathies they are not known, at least it is very unfashionable to acknowledge their existence. Why I have known ladies so infatuated and affected by an inordinate love of charioteering, that it has completely altered them, not only as to dress, but manners and feeling, till at length they have be- come more at home in the stable than the drawing- room ; and some, that are so different when dressed for dinner, that the driving habiliments appear like complete masquerade disguises. Jndeed, any thing that is natural is considered quite out of na- ture ; and this affectation is not wholly confined to the higher circles, for in the City even the men and the women seem to have changed places. Man-milliners and nmntua-makers swarm With clumsy hands to deck the female form With brawny limbs to fit fine ladies' shapes, Or measure out their ribbons, lane and tapes ; Or their rude eye the bosom's swell surveys, To cut out corsets or to stitch their stays ; Or making essences and soft perfume, Or paint, to give the pallid cheek fresh bloon Or with hot irons, combs, and frizzling skill, On ladies' heads their daily task fulfil ; Or, deeply versed in culinary arts, Are kneading pastry, making pies and tarts Or, clad. in motley coat, the footman neat Is dangling after Miss with shuffling feet. IN LONDON. 343 Bearing in state to church her book of pray'r, Or the light pocket she disdains to wear ; Or in a parlour snug, the powdered lout The tea and bread and butter hands about. Where are the women, whose less nervous hands Might fit these lighter tasks, which pride demand* ! Some feel the scorn that poverty attends, Or pine in meek dependance on their friends ; Some patient ply the needle day by day, Poor half-paid seamsters, wasting life away ; Some drudge in menial, dirty, ceaseless toil, Bear market loads, or grovelling weed the soil ; Some walk abroad, a nuisance where they go, And match from infamy the bread of woe," " It is a strange sort of infatuation, this fashion," said BOB, "and it is much to be regretted it should operate so much to the injury of the fair " Do you see that young man on the opposite side of the way," inquired DASH ALL, (stopping him short) " in nankin breeches and jockey-boots ? " "I do," replied TALLYHO; " and pray who is he?" " The son of a wealthy Baronet, who, with an eye to the main chance in early life, engaged in some mercantile speculations, which proving pro- ductive concerns, have elevated him to his present * It is related that a young lady of haut ton in Paris was ob- served to have a tall fellow always following her wherever she went. Her grandmother one day asked her what occasion there was for that man to be always following her; to wliii-h slip replied " I must blow my nose, must not I, when I want '. ' This great genius was actually employed to carry her pocket- handkerchief. 344 CIPHERS .IN SOCIETY. dignity, beyond which it is said he cannot go on account of his having once kept a shop. This son is one of what may be termed the Ciphers of society, a sort of useful article, like an in arith- metic, to denominate numbers ; one of those cha- racters, if character it may be termed, of which this Metropolis and its vicinity would furnish us with regiments. Indeed, the general run of Fa- shionables are little better than Ciphers, very necessary at times in the House of Commons, to suit the purposes and forward the intentions of 'the Ministers, by which they obtain titles to which they are not entitled, and transmit to posterity a race of ennobled boobies. What company, what society does not abound with Ciphers, and often- times in such plenty that they are even serviceable to make the society considerable? What could we do to express on paper five hundred without the two ciphers, or being compelled to write eleven letters to explain what is equally well done in three figures ? These Ciphers are useful at general meetings upon public questions, though, if they were all collected together in point intellectual value, they would amount to nought. They are equally important as counters at a card-table, they tell for more than they are worth. Among the City Companies there are many of them to be found : and the Army is not deficient, though great care is generally taken to send the most conspi- cuous Ciphers on foreign service. Public offices under Government swarm with them; and how THE CLERICAL CIPHER. 345 many round O's or ciphers may be found among the gentlemen of the long robe, who, as Hudibras observes, ' never ope Their mouths, but out their flies a trope." In the twelve Judges it must be allowed there is no cipher, because they have two figures to sup- port them ; but take these two figures away, and the whole wit of mankind may be defied to patch up or recruit the number without having recourse to the race of Ciphers. " I have known a Cipher make a profound Statesman and a Secretary nay, an Ambassador ; but then it must be confess'd it has been by the timely and prudent application of proper sup- porters ; and it is certain, that Ciphers have more than once shewn themselves significant in high posts and stations, and in more reigns than one. Bounteous nature indulges mankind in a bound- less variety of characters as well as features, and has given Ciphers to make up numbers, and very often by such additions renders the few much more significant and conspicuous. The Church has its Ciphers for a mitre looks as well on a round O as on any letter in the alphabet, and the expense to the nation is equally the same ; conse- quently, John Bull has no right to complain. " See in Pomposo a polite divine, More gay than grave, not half so sound as fine ; The ladies' parson, proudly skill'd is he, To 'tend their toilet and pour out their tea ; 15. 2 x CIPHERS OF ALL SORTS. Foremost to lead the dance, or patient sit To deal the cards out, or deal out small wit ; Then oh ! in public what a perfect bean, So powder'd and so trimm'd for pulpit show ; So well equipp'd to tickle ears polite With pretty little subjects, short and trite. Well cull'd and garbled from the good old store Of polish'd sermons often preached before ; With precious scraps from moral Shakespeare brouifh' To fill up awkward vacancies of thought, Or shew how he the orator can play Whene'er he meets with some good thing to say, Or prove his taste correct, his memory strong, Nor let his fifteen minutes seem too long : His slumbering mind no knotty point pursues, Save when contending for nis tithes or dues." Thus far, although it mast be allowed that are of use, it is not every cipher that is truly use- ful. There are Ciphers of indolence, to which some mistaken men give the title of men of fine parts there are Ciphers of Self-interest, to which others more wrongfully give the name of Patriots there are\ Bacchanalian Ciphers, who will not leave the bottle to save the nation, but will con- tinue to guzzle till no one figure in Arithmetic is sufficient to support them then there are Ciphers of Venus, who will abandon all state affairs to fol- low a Cyprian, even at the risk of injuring a de- serving wife Military Ciphers, who forsake the pursuit of glory, and distrustful of their own merit or courage, affirm their distrust by a seduloua attendance at the levees of men in power. In ;hort, every man, in my humble opinion, is no MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING 347 other than a Cipher who does not apply his talents to the care of his morals and the benefit of his country." " You have been ciphering for some time," said BOB, " and I suppose you have now finished your sum." " 1 confess," continued TOM, " it has been a puzzling one for, to make something out of no thing is impossible." " Not in all cases," said BOB. " How so ? why you have proved it by your own shewing, that these nothings are to be made something of." " I perceive," replied TOM, " that your ac- quaintance with SpAKKLEis not thrown away upon you ; and it argues well, for if you are so ready a pupil at imbibing his" lessons, you will -soon become a proficient in London manners and conversation ; but a Cipher is like a round robin,* it has neither beginning nor end : its centre is vacancy, its circle ambiguity, and it stands for nothing, unless in cer- tain connections." They were now proceeding gently along Oxford Street, in pusuit of their way to Soho Square, and met with little worthy of note or remark until they arrived near the end of Newman Street, where * Round Robin A. Letter or Billet, so composed as to have the signatures of many persons in a circle, in order that the reader niny not be able to discover which of the party signed first 01 348 HYDRAULICS. a number of workmen were digging up the earth *br the purpose of making new drains. The path- way was railed from the road by scaffolding poles strongly driven into the ground, and securely tied together to prevent interruption from the passen- gers. TOM was remarking upon the hardihood and utility of the labourers at the moment when a fountain of water was issuing from a broken pipe, which arose as high as a two pair of stairs window, a circumstance which quickly drew a number of spectators around, and, among the rest, TOM and his Cousin could not resist an inclination to spend a few minutes in viewing the proceedings. The Irish jontlemen, who made two or three inef- fectual attempts to stop the breach, alternately got soused by the increased violence of the water, and at every attempt were saluted by the loud laugh- ter of the surrounding multitude. To feelings naturally warm and irritable, these vociferations of amusement and delight at their de- feat, served but to exasperate and enrage ; and the Irishmen in strong terms expressed their indigna- tion at the merriment which their abortive attempts appeared to excite : at length, one of the Paddies having cut a piece of wood, as he conceived, suffi- cient to stop the effusion of water, with some degree of adroitness thrust his arm into the foam- ing fluid, and for a moment appeared to have arrested its progress. " Blood-an-owns ! Murphy," cried he, " scoop away the water, and be after handing over the WATERY HUMOURS. 349 maHet this way." In a moment the spades of his comrades were seen in action to accomplish his instructions, while one, who was not in a humour to bear the taunts of the crowd, very politely scoop'd the water with his hands among the spec- tators, which created a general desire to avoid his liberal and plentiful besprinklings, and at the same time considerable confusion among men, women, and children, who, in effecting their escape, were seen tumbling and rolling over each other in all directions. " Be off wid you all, and be d d to you," said the Hibernian ; while those who were fortunate enough to escape the cooling fluid he was so indif- ferently dispensing, laughed heartily at their less favoured companions. BOB was for moving onward. " Hold," said DAS HALL, " it is two to one but you will see some fun here." He had scarcely said the word, when a brawny Porter in a fustian jacket, with his knot slung across his shoulder, manifested dislike to the man- ner in which the Irish jontleman was pursuing his amusement. " D n your Irish eyes," said he, " don't throw your water here, or I'll lend you my bunch of fives*" Bunch of fives A. flash term for the fist, frequently made use of amonjf the lads of the Fancy, who address each other some- times in a friendly way, with Ha, Bill, how goes it! tip us your bunch of Jives, my boy. 350 SUMMARY JUSTICE " Be after being off, there," replied Pat ; and, without hesitation, continued his employment. The Porter was resolute, and upon receiving an additional salute, jumped over the railings, and re-saluted poor Pat with a muzzier* which drew his claret in a moment. The Irishman endeavoured to rally, while the crowd cheered the Porter and hooted the Labourer. This was the signal for hos- tilities. The man who had plugg'd up the broken pipe let go his hold, and the fountain was playing away as briskly as ever all was confusion, and the neighbourhood in alarm. The workmen, with spades and pick-axes, gathered round their com- rade, and there was reason to apprehend serious mischief would occur ; one of them hit the Porter with his spade, and several others were prepared to follow his example ; while a second, who seem'd a little more blood-thirsty than the rest, raised his pickaxe in a menacing attitude ; upon perceiving which, DASH ALL jump'd over the rail and arrested his arm, or, if the blow had been struck, murder must have ensued. In the meantime, several other persons, following TOM'S example, had disarmed the remainder. A fellow-labourer, who had been engaged at a short distance from the immediate scene of action, attacked the man who had raised the pickaxe, between whom a pugilistic encounter took place, the former swearing, ' By Jasus, they were a set of cowardly rascals, and deserved * Muzzier A blow on the month. GENERAL STREET ENGAGEMENT. 351 quilting.'* The water was flowing copiously shovels, pickaxes, barrows, lanterns and other im- plements were strewed around them the crowd increased TOM left the combatants (when he con- ceived no real danger of unfair ad vantage beingtaken was to be apprehended) to enjoy their rolling in the mud ; while the Porter, who had escaped the ven- geance of his opponents, was explaining to those around him, and expostulating with the first aggres- sor, upon the impropriety of hisconduct. The scouts of the multitude at the courageous proceedings of the Porter, and the hootings at the shameful and cowardly manner of defence pursued by the La- bourers, roused the blood of the Irishmen, and'one again seized a spade to attack a Coal-heaver who espoused the cause of the Porter a dispositioi. was again manifested to cut down any one who dared to entertain opinions opposite to their own immediately a shower of mud and stones was directed towards him the spade was taken away, and the Irishmen armed themselves in a similar way with the largest stones they could find suitable for throwing. In this state of things, the houses and the windows i? the neighbourhood were threat- * Quilting To quilt a person among the knowing Covies, is to give another a good thrashing ; probably, this originated in the idea of warming as a quilt is a warm companion, so a set-to i equally productive of heat; whether the allusion holds good with epect to comfort, roust be left to the decision of those who try U on, (which is to make any attempt or essay where success i> doubtful.) 352 HARMONY RESTORED. ened with serious damage. The crowd retreated hallooing, shouting, hissing, and groaning ; and in this part of the affray BOB got himself well bespat- tered with mud. TOM again interfered, and after a few minutes, persuaded the multitude to desist, and the Irishmen to drop their weapons. The Porter made his escape, and the men resumed their work; but, uponDASHALi/s return to the spot where he had leftTALLrno, the latter was not to be found ; he was however quickly relieved from suspense. " Sir," said a stout man, " the neighbourhood is greatly indebted to your exertions in suppres- sing a riot from which much mischief was to be apprehended your friend is close at hand, if you will step this way, you will find him he is getting his coat brushed at my house, and has sustained no injury." " It is a lucky circumstance for him,"said TOM : and I think myself fortunate upon the same ac- count, for I assure you I was very apprehensive of some serious mischief resulting from the dis- turbance," THE DOUBLE DISAPPOINTMENT. 353 CHAP. XVIII. ' Blest be the pencil which from death can save The semblance of the virtuous, wise and brave,, That youth and emulation still may gaze On those inspiring forms of ancient days, And, from the force of bright example bold, Rival their worth, and be what they behold," " I admire, None more admires the painter's magic skill, Who shews me that which I shall never see, Conveys a distant country into mine, And throws Italian light on British walls." As they entered the house, a few doors up New- man Street, TALLYHO met them, having divested himself of the mud which had been thrown upon his garments by the indiscriminating hand of an enraged multitude ; and after politely thanking the gentleman for his friendly accommodation, they were about to proceed to the place of their original destination; when DASHALL, perceiving an ele- gantly dressed lady on the opposite side of the way, felt, instinctively as it were, for the usual ap- pendage of a modern fashionable, the quizzing-glass; in the performance of this he was subjected to a double disappointment, for his rencontre with the Hibernians had shivered the fragile ornament to atoms in his pocket, and before he could draw forth the useless fragments, the more important 15. 2 Y READING MADE EASY. object of his attention was beyond the power of his visual orbs. " It might have been worse," said he, as he sur- vey'd the broken bauble : " it is a loss which can easily be repaired, and if in losing that, I have pre- vented more serious mischief, there is at least some consolation. Apropos, here is the very place for supplying the defect without loss of time. Dixon,*" continued he, looking at the name over the door " aye, I remember to have seen his advertisements in the papers, and have no doubt I may be suited here to a shaving" Upon saying this, they entered the house, and found the improver of spectacles and eye-glasses surrounded with the articles of his trade, who, in a moment, recognized TOM as the chief instrument in quelling the tumult, and added his acknowledg- ments to what had already been offered for his successful exertions, assuring him at the same time, that as he considered sight to be one of the * This gentleman, whose persevering endeavours in his pro- fession entitle him to the patronage of the public, without pre- tending to second sight, or the powers that are so frequently attributed to the seventh son of a seventh son, has thrown some new lights upon the world. Although he does not pretend to make " Helps to Read," his establishment at No. 93, Newman Street, Oxford Road, of upwards of thirty years' standing, is de- servedly celebrated. for glasses suited to all sights, manufactured upon principles derived from long study and practical experience. Indeed, if we are to place any reliance on his Advertisements, he has brought them to a state of perfection never before attained, and not to be surpassed. PREPARATORY EQUIPMENTS. 355 most invaluable blessings bestowed on mankind, he had for many years devoted the whole of his time and attention to the improvement of glasses put into his hand a short treatise on the subject, and on the important assistance which may be afforded by a judicious selection of spectacles to naturally imperfect or overstrained eyes. BOB, in the mean time, was amusing himself with reading bills, pamphlets, and newspapers, which lay upon the counter. DASHALL listened with attention to his disserta tion on sight, spectacles, focusses, lens, reflection, retraction, &c. ; but, as he was not defective in the particular organs alluded to, felt but little in- terested on the subject; selected what he really wanted, or rather what etiquette required, when, to their great gratification, in came SPARKLE. After the first salutations were over, the latter pur- chased an opera-glass; then, in company with TOM and BOB, proceeded to Oxford Street, and upon learning their destination, determined also to take a peep at the Exhibition. " Come along," said TOM, catching nofd of his arm, and directing him towards Soho Square. But SPARKLE recollecting that he had appointed to meet Miss Mortimer, her Brother, and Merry- well, to accompany them to Somerset House, and finding time had escaped with more rapidity than he expected, wished them a good morning, hoped they should meet again in the course of tlie day, and departed. 356 EXHIBITION " You see," said TOM, " SPARKLE is fully en- gaged in the business of love; Miss Mortimer laims all his attention for the present/' " You appear to be very envious of his enjoy- ments," replied BOB. " Not so, indeed," continued TOM ; " I am only regretting that other pursuits have estranged him from our company." On entering the Exhibition at Soho, TOM, whose well-known taste for science and art, and particu- larly for the productions of the pencil and graver, had already rendered him conspicuous among those who knew him, made the following remarks : " 1 am really glad," said he, " to find that the eminent engravers of our country have at length adopted a method of bringing at one view before the public, a delineation of the progress made by our artists in a brancji so essentially connected with the performance and durability of the Fine Arts. An Exhibition of this kind is well cal- culated to dispel the vulgar error, that engraving is a servile art in the scale of works of the mind, and mostly consigned to the copyist. An Esta- blishment of this kind has long been wanted, and is deserving of extensive patronage." Having secured Catalogues, they proceeded im- mediately to the gratifying scene.* The disposition * The major part of the 405 subjects and sets of subjects, consisting of about 800 prints, are of moderate size, or small engravings for descriptive or literary publications, &,c. Tbcj OF ENGRAVINGS. 357 and arrangement of the plates, and the company dispersed in various parts of the rooms, were the are the lesser diamonds in a valuable collection of jewellery, where there are but few that are not of lucid excellence, and worthy of glistening in the diadem of Apollo, or the cestus of Venus. So indeed they have, for here are many subjects from ancient and modern poetry, and other literature, and from por- traits of beautiful women. Among the first class, the exqui- sitely finishing graver of Mr. Warren gives us many after the designs of Messrs. Westall, Wilkie, Smirke, Cooke, Uwins, and Corbould ; as do the lucid gravers of Messrs. Englehart and Rhodes, the nicely executing hands of Messrs. Mitan, Romney, Finden, Robinson, &c. Among the latter class, are Anna Boleitn, &c. by Mr. Scriven, who marks so accurately the cha- racter of the objects, and of the Painter he works from, in his well blended dot and stroke; Mrt. Hope, by Dawe; many lovely women, by Mr. Reynolds ; a Courtship, by Mr. Warren, from Terburg, in the Marquis ot Stafford's Collection; two Mary Queen of Scots, by Messrs. Warren and Cooper. From pictures of the old and modern Masters, are capital Portraits of celebrated characters of former and present times ; of Mrt. Sid- dons, of Cicero, M. Angela, Parmigia.no, Fenelon, Raleigh, A. Durer, Erasmus, Cromwell, Ben Jonson, Selden, Swift, Gay, Sterne, Garrich, &c. of Byron, Bonaparte, West, Kemble, young Napole"on, of nearly all the English Royal Family, and many of the Nobility. Of all the charmingly engraved Landscapes of foreign and home Views, and of the Animal pieces, are many from Messrs. W. B. and G. Cooke's recent publications of The Coast of Enyland, &c. of Mr. Hakewell's Italy, Mr. Nash's Paris, Captain Batty's France, &c. Mr. Neale's Viewt, many of Mr. Scott's and Mr. Milton's fine Animal Prints; exquisitely engraved Architecture by Mr. Le Keaux, Mr. Lowry, Mr. O Cooke, &c. Among the large Prints are the two last of Mr. Hol- loway's noble set from Raffaelle's Cartoons ; the Battle of Leip- zig, finely executed by Mr. Scott, and containing Portraits of 358 EXHIBITION first objects of attention, and the whole appear- ance was truly pleasing. At one end was to be seen an old Connoisseurexamining a most beautiful engraviug from an excellent drawing by Clennell* another contemplating the brilliance of Goodall in his beautiful print of the Fountains of Neptune in the Gardens of Versailles. DAS HALL, who gene- rally took care to see all before him, animate and inanimate, was occasionally casting glimpses at those monstrous assailers of Italy and of the common rights of mankind, the Emperors of Austria and Russia ; Jaques from Shakspeare, by Mr. Middiman, Reynolds' Infant Hercules by Mr. Ward, The Bard, by J. Bromley, jun. possessing the energy of the original by the late President Mr. West, and TJie Poaclier ietected, by Mr. Lupton, from Mr. Kidd's beautiful picture. * Luke Clennell This unfortunate artist, a native of Moppeth, in Northumberland, and known to the world as an- eminent en- graver on wood, as well as a painter of no ordinary talent, has furnished one of those cases of human distress and misery which calls for the sympathy and aid of every friend to forlorn genius. In the midst of a prosperous career, with fortune " both hands full," smiling on every side, munificently treated by the BritisL Institution, employed -on an important work by the Earl of Bridgewater (a picture of the Fete given by the City of London to the Allied Sovereigns,) and with no prospect but that delightful one of fame and independence, earaed by his own- exertions, the most dreadful affliction of life befcl him, and insanity rooted where taste and judgment so conspicuously shone. The wretched artist was of necessity separated from his family; his young wife, the mother of his three infants, descended to the grave a broken-hearted victim, leaving the poor orphans destitute. The Print alluded to in this case, representing the Charge of the Life Guards at Waterloo in 1816, was published by subscription for their benefit. OF ENGRAVINGS. 359 the lectures and the sprightly females by which they were surrounded, and drawing his Cousin to such subjects as appeared to be most deserving of attention; among which, the fine effect pro- duced by Mr. YV. B. Cooke stood high in his esti- mation, particularly in his View of Edinburgh from Calton Hill, and Brightling Observatory in Rose Hill Le Keux, in his Monument, also partook of his encomiums T. Woolnoth's Portraits, particu- larly that of the Duchess of Kent, claimed atten- tion, and was deservedly admired, as well as a smaller one of Mr. Shalis by the same artist ; in- deed, the whole appeared to be selected, combined and arranged under the direction of a master, and calculated at once to suprise and delight. After enjoying an hour's lounge in this agreeable com pany, " Come," said DASHALL, " we will repair to Somerset House, and amuse ourselves with colours." " Halloo ! " said a smart looking young man be- hind them " what am you arter ? where is you going to?" Upon turning rouad, DASHALL discovered it to be the exquisite Mr. Mincingait, who, having just caught a glimpse of him, and not knowing what to do with himself, hung as it were upon the com- pany of TOM and his friend, by way of killing a little time ; and was displaying his person and appaiel to the greatest advantage as he pick'd his way along the pavement, alternately picking his 300 HOW TO CUT A DASH. teeth and twirling his watch-chain. Passing the end of Greek Street, some conversation having taken place upon the dashing Society in which he had spent the previous evening, TOM indulged himself in the following description of How to Cut a Dash. " Dashing society," said he, " is almost every where to be found in London : it is indeed of so much importance among the generality of town residents, that a sacrifice of every thing that is dear and valuable is frequently made to appear- ance." " You are a quiz," said Mincingait ; ". but I don't mind you, so go your length," " Very well," continued TOM ; " then by way of instruction to my friend, I will give my ideas upon the subject, and if perchance you should find any resmblance to yourself in the picture I am about to draw, don't let all the world know it. If you have an inclination to cut a dash, situation and cir- cumstances in life have nothing to do with it ; a good bold face and a stock of assurance, are the most essential requisites. With these, you must in the first place fall upon some method, to trick a tailor (provided you have not certain qualms that will prevent you) by getting into his debt, for much depends upon exteriors. There is no crime in this, for you pay him if you are able and good clothes are very necessary for a dash having them cut after the newest fashion, is also very essential. Sally forth, if on a Sunday morn- ing in quest of a companion with whom you DASHING ATTITUDE, COSTUME, ETC. 301 have the night previous (at a tavern or confec- tioner's) engaged to meet at the corner. After having passed the usual compliments of the morn- ing with him, place yourself in a fashionable atti- tude, your thumbs thrust in your pantaloon's pockets the right foot thrown carelessly across the left, resting on the toe, exhibits your fine turned ancle, or new boot, and is certainly a very modest attitude your cravat finically adjusted, and tied sufficiently tight to produce ajine full-bloom- ing countenance : corsets and bag pantaloons are indispensably necessary to accoutre you for the stand. When in this trim, dilate upon the events of the times know but very little of domestic affairs expatiate and criticise upon the imperfec- tions or charms of the passing multitude tell a fine story to some acquaintance who knows but little about you, and, by this means, borrow as much money as will furnish you with a very small bamboo, or very large cudgel ; extremes are very indispensable for a good dash. " It is extremely unbecoming for a gentleman of fashion to pay any regard to that old supersti- tious ceremony of what is commonly called ' going to church ' or, at most, of attending more than half a day in the week. To attend public worship more than one hour in seven days must be very fatiguing to a person of genteel habits besides it would be countenancing an old established custom. In former times, a serious and devout attention to divine service was not thought improper; but 16. 2 z 362 CUTTING A DASH A-f CHURCH should a gentleman of modern manners attend public worship, to discover, according to the law of the polite, what new face of fashion appears, I need not mention the absurdity of decent beha- viour. What go to meeting, say? why this the vulgar do, Yes, and it is a custom old as Homer too ! Sure, then, we folks of fashion must with this dispense, Or differ in some way from folks of common sense.' ' " Melodious, indeed, are the voices of ladies and gentlemen whispering across the pews, politely in- quiring after each other's health the hour at which they got home from their Saturday evening's party what gallants attended them; and what lasses they saw safe home. How engaging the polite posture of looking on the person next you, or in sound sleep, instead of sacred music, playing loud bass through the nose! But to have proceeded methodically in enumerating the improvements in manners, I ought, first, to have mentioned some of the important advantages of staying from church until the service is half finished. Should you attend at the usual hour of commencing ser- vice, you might be supposed guilty of rising in the morning as early as nine or ten o'clock, and by that means be thought shockingly ungenteel and if seated quietly in the pew, you might possibly remain unnoticed ; but, by thundering along the aisle in the midst of prayer or sermon, you are jtretty sure to command the attention of the audi- ence, and obtain the honour of being thought by A DAS1IKK STREET- M'AI.K 1X0, ETC. .Ifi3 some, to have been engaged in some genteel affair the night before ! Besides, it is well known that it is only the vulgar that attend church in proper time. " When you parade the streets, take off your hat to .every gentleman's carriage that passes ; you may do the same to any pretty woman for if she is well bred, (you being smartly dressed) she will return the compliment before she be able to recol- lect whether your's be a face she has seen some- where or not ; those who see it, will call you a dashing fellow. When a beggar stops you, put your hand in your pocket, and tell him you are very sorry you have no change ; this, you know, will be strictly true, and speaking truth is always a commendable quality ; or, if it suits you better, bid him go to the churchwarden this you may easily do in a dashing way. Never think of fol- lowing any business or profession, such conduct is unworthy of a dasher. In the evening, never walk straight along the foot-way, but go in a zig- zag direction this will make some people believe you have been dashing down your bottle of wine after dinner. No dasher goes home sober. " On making your appearance in the ball-room, putyour hat under your arm : you will find an ad- vantage in this, as it will make a stir in the room to make way for you and your hat, and apprize them of your entrance. After one or two turns around the room, if the sets are all made uj>, m a stand before one of the mirrors, to adjust \<"if 361 DANCING "ALL THE .GO." cravat, hair, &c. Be sure to have your hair brushed all over the forehead, which will give you a very ferocious appearance. If you catch a strange dam- sel's eyes fixed upon you, take it for granted that yoa are a fascinating fellow, and cut a prodigious dash. As soon as the first set have finished dan- cing, fix your thumbs as before-mentioned, and make a dash through the gaping crowd in pursuit of a partner; if you are likely to be disappointed in obtaining one with whom you are acquainted, select the smallest child in the room; by that means, you will attract the attention of the ladies, and secure to you the hand of a charming Miss for the next dance. When on the floor with one of those dashing belles, commence a t6te-a-tte with her, and pay no attention whatever to the figure or steps, but walk as deliberately as the music will admit (not dropping your little chit chat) through the dance, which is considered, undoubtedly, very graceful, and less like a mechanic or dancing- master. The dance finished, march into the bar, and call for a glass of blue-ruin, white-tape, or stark-naked, which is a very fashionable liquor among the ' ton,' and if called on to pay for it, tell the landlord you have left your purse in one of your blues at home ; and that you will recol- lect it at the next ball this, you know, can be done in a genteel way, and you will be ' all the go.' Return into the room, and either tread upon some gentleman's toes, or give him a slight touch with your elbow : which, if he be inclined to resent, FINISHING DASH. 365 tell him, ' pon honour* you did not observe him, or, if inclined to suffer it with impunity ' Get out of the way, fellow, d n you.' On your way home, after escorting your fair inamorata to her peaceful abode, make a few calls for the purpose of taking a little more stimulus with some particular friends, and then return home for the night to ' steep your senses in forgetfulness.' " "A very amusing and useful account, truly," said BOB, as his Cousin closed his chapter of instructions How to Cut a Dash. " It is, at least, a just and true delineation of living character." " Not without a good portion of caricature," said Mincingait. " You are downright scurrilous, and ought not to be tolerated in civilized society. Sink me, if you are not quite a bore, and not fit company for a Gentleman ; so I shall wish you a good morning." TOM and BOB laughed heartily at this declara- tion of the Dashing Blade, and, wishing him a pleasant walk and a safe return, they separated. By this time they had arrived at Somerset House : it was near three o'clock, and the Rooms exhibited a brilliant crowd of rank and fashion, which considerably enhanced the value of its other decorations. " 1 have already," said DASHA LL, " given you a general description of this building, and shall therefore confine my present observations wholly totne establishment of the Royal Academy for the 3G6 EXHIBITION, encouragement of the Fine Arts, for the cultiva- tion of which London is now much and deservedly distinguished ; and to the progressive improvement in which we are indebted to that Exhibition we have already witnessed. This Academy was opened by Royal Charter in 1768; and it consists of forty members, called* Royal Academicians, twenty Associates, and six Associate Engravers. The first President was the justly celebrated Sir Joshua Reynolds; the second, the highly respected Ben- jamin West; and the present, is Sir Thomas Law- rence. " The Academy possesses a fine collection of casts and models, from antique .statues, &c. a School of colouring, from pictures of the best masters. Lectures are delivered by the stated Professors in their various branches, to the Stu- dents during the winter season ; prize medals are given annually for the best academy figures and drawings of buildings ; and gold medals for histo- rical composition in painting, sculpture, arid de- signs in Architecture, once in two years ; which latter are presented to the successful Artists in full assembly, accompanied with a discourse from the President, calculated to stimulate perseverance and exertion. Students have at all times, (except during the regular vacations,) an opportunity of studying nature from well chosen models, and of drawing from the antique casts. " This Exhibition is generally opened on the first of May. The number of works of art, consisting SOMERSET HOUSE. 3G7 of paintings, sculptures, models, proof engravings and drawings, generally exhibited, are upwards of one thousand ; and are usually visited by all the gaiety and fashion of the Metropolis, between the hours of two and five o'clock in the day. The rooms are elegant and spacious ; and I consider it at all times a place where a shilling may be well spent, and an hour or two well enjoyed. " Some spend a life in classing grubs, and try, New methods to impale a butterfly ; Or, bottled up in spirits, keep with care A crowd of reptiles hideously rare ; While others search the mouldering wrecks of time, And drag their stores from dust and rust and slime ; Coins eat with canker, medals half defac'd, And broken tablets, never to be trac'd ; Worm-eaten trinkets worn away of old, And broken pipkins form'd in antique mould ; Huge limbless statues, busts of heads forgot, And paintings representing none knows what ; Strange legends that to monstreus fables lead, And manuscripts that nobody can read; The shapeless forms from savage hands that sprung, And fragments of rude art, when Art was young. This precious lumber, labell'd, shelv'd, and cas'd Aud with a title of Museum grac'd, Shews how a man may time and fortune waste And die a mummy M connoisseur of Uate." On entering the rooms, BOB was bewildered with delight ; the elegance of the company, the number and excellence of the paintings, were at- tractions so numerous and splendid, as to leave him no opportunity of decidedly fixing Ins alien- 368 ROYAL ACADEMY, SOMERSET HOUSE. tion. He was surrounded by all that could enchant the eye and enrapture the imagination. Moving groups of interesting females were parading the rooms with dashing partners at their elbows, pointing out the most beautiful paintings from the catalogues, giving the names of the artists, or describing the subjects. Seated on one of the benches was to be seen the tired Dandy, whose principal inducement to be present at this display of the Arts, was to exhibit his own pretty person, and attract a little of the public gaze by bis pre- posterous habiliments and unmeaning counte- nance ; to fasten upon the first person who came within the sound of his scarcely articulate voice with observing, " It is d d hot, 'pon honour can't stand it very fatiguing I wonder so many persons are let in at once there's no such thing as seeing, 1 declare, where there is such a crowd : I must come again, that's the end of it.** On another, was the full-dressed Elegante, with her bonnet in one hand, and her catalogue in the other, apparently intent upon examining the pic- tures before her, while, in fact, her grand aim was to discover whether she herself was observed. The lounging Blood, who had left his horses at the door, was bustling among the company with his quizzing-glass in his hand, determined, if possi- ble, to have a peep at every female he met, caring as much for the Exhibition itself, as the generality of the visitors cared for him. The Connoisseur was placing his eye occasionally close to the paint- THE SISTER AWT* 3GD ings, or removing to short distances, right and left, to catch them in the most judicious lights, and making remarks on his catalogue with a pencil ; and Mrs. Roundabout, from Leadenhall, who had brought her son Dicky to see the show, as she called it, declared it was the most finest sight she ever seed, lifting up her hand and eyes at the same time as Dicky read over the list, and charmed her by reciting the various scraps of poetry inserted in the catalogue to elucidate tha subjects. It was altogether a source of inexpres- sible delight and amusement. TOM, whose taste for the arts qualified him well for the office of guide upon such an occasion, directed the eye of his Cousin to the best and most masterly produc- tions in the collection, and whose attention was more particularly drawn to the pictures (though occasionally devoted to the inspection of a set of well-formed features, or a delicately turned ancle,) was much pleased to find BOB so busy in enquiry and observation. " We have here/' said TOM, " a combination of the finest specimens in the art of painting laid open annually for public inspection. Music, Poetry, and Painting, have always been held in high estimation by those who make any preten- sions to an improved mind and a refined taste. In this Exhibition the talents of the Artists in their various lines may be fairly estimated, and the two former may almost be said to give life to the lat- ter, in which the three are combined. The Ilis- 16. 3 A 370 PAINTINGS PORTRAIT LANDSCAPE. lofian, the Poet, and the Philosopher, have theu thoughts embodied by the Painter ; and the tale so glowingly described in language by the one, is brought full before the eye by the other ; while the Portrait-painter hands down, by the vivid touches of his pencil, the features and character of those who by their talents have deservedly signalized themselves in society. The face of nature is dis- played in the landscape, and the force of imagina- tion by the judicious selector of scenes from ac- tual life. Hence painting is the fascinating region of enchantment. The pencil is a magic wand-," it calls up to view the most extensive and varie- gated scenery calculated to wake the slumbering mind to thought. * To mark the mighty hand That, ever busy, wheels the silent spheres, Works in the secret deep ; shoots steaming thence The fair profusion that o'erspreads the Spring ; Flings from the sun direct the flaming day ; Feeds every creature ; hurls the tempest fortk ; And as on earth this grateful change revolves, With transport touches all the springs of life." " Upon my life ! " cried BOB, " we seem to have no need of SPARKLE now, for you are endeavour- ing to imitate him." " Your observations may be just, in part," re- plied TOM ; " but I can assure you I have no incli- nation to continue in the same strain. At the same time, grave subjects, or subjects of the pen- cil and graver, are deserving of serious considera- CHARACTER CARICATURE, ETC. 371 tion, except where the latter are engaged in ca- ricature.** " And that has its utility," said BOB. " To be sure it has," continued TOM " over the human mind, wit, humour and ridicule main- tain authoritative influence. The ludicrous images which flit before the fancy, aided by eccentric combinations, awaken the risible powers, and throw the soul into irresistible tumults of laugh- ter. Who can refrain from experiencing risible emotions when he beholds a lively representation of Don Quixote and Sancho Panca Hudibras and his Ralpho merry old Falstaff shaking his fat sides, gabbling with Mrs. Quickly, and other'gro- tesque figures to be found in the vast variety of human character? To lash the vices and expose the follies of mankind, is the professed end ol this species of painting. " Satire has always shone among the rest ; And is the boldest way, if not the best, To tell men freely of their foulest faults." Objects well worthy of attention like comedy may degenerate, and become subservient to licen- tiousness and profligacy; yet the shafts of ridicule judiciously aimed, like a well-directed artillery, do much execution. With what becoming seve- rity does the bold Caricature lay open to public censure the intrigues of subtle Politicians, the chicanery of corrupted Courts, and the flattery of cringing Parasites! Hence satirical books and prints, under temperate regulations, check the dis- 372 MORAL TENDENCT OF THE ARTS. soluteness of the great. Hogarth's Harlot's and Rake's Progress have contributed to reform the different classes of society nay, it has even been doubted by some, whether the Sermons of a Til- otson ever dissuaded so efficaciously from lust, cruelty, and intemperance, as the Prints of an Hogarth. Indeed it may with truth be observed, that the art of Painting is one of those innocent and delightful means of pleasure which Providence has kindly offered to brighten the prospects -of life : under due restriction, and with proper di- rection, it may be rendered something more than an elegant mode of pleasing the eye and the ima- gination; it may become a very powerful aux- iliary to virtue." " I like your remarks very well," said BOB ; " but there is no such thing as paying proper attention to them at present ; besides, you are moralizingagain." " True," said TOM, " the subjects involuntarily lead me to moral conclusions there is a fine pic- ture Nature blowing Bubbles for her Children, from the pencil of Hilton ; in which is united the simplicity of art with allegory, the seriousness of moral instruction and satire with the charms of female and infantine beauty ; the graces of form, action, colour and beauty of parts, with those of collective groups ; and the propriety and beauty of He was proceeding in this strain, when, turning suddenly as he supposed to TALLY HO, he was not a liule surprised and confused to find, instead of STUDIES PROM NATURE. 373 his Cousin, the beautiful and interesting Miss Mortimer, at his elbow, listening with close at- tention to his description. " Miss Mortimer," continued he which follow- ing immediately in connection with his last sen- tence, created a buz of laughter from Sparkle, Merrywell, and Mortimer, who were in conversa- tion at a short distance, and considerably in- creased his confusion. " Very gallant, indeed," said Miss Mortimer, "and truly edifying. These studies from nature ap* pear to have peculiar charms for you, but I appre- hend your observations were not meant for my ear.** " I was certainly not aware," continued he, " how much I was honoured ; but perceiving the company you are in, I am not much astonished at the trick, and undoubtedly have a right to feel proud of the attentions that have been paid to my observations." By this time the party was increased by the arrival of Col. B , his daughter Maria, and Lady Lovelace, who, with SPARKLE'S opera glass in her hand, was alternately looking at the paint- ings, and gazing at the company. SPARKLE, in the mean time, was assiduous in his attentions to Miss Mortimer, whose lively remarks and elegant person excited general admiration. The first greetings of such an unexpected meet- ing were followed by an invitation on the part of the Colonel to TOM and BOB to dine with them at naif past six. 374 FRESH GAME SPRUNG. TALLYHO excused himself upon the score ol a previous engagement; and a wink conveyed to TOM was instantly understood; he politely de- clined the honour upon the same ground, evidently perceiving there was more meant than said ; and after a few more turns among the company, and a survey of the Pictures, during which they lost the company of young Mortimer and his friend Merry well, (at wLich the Ladies expressed them- selves disappointed) they, with SPARKLE, assisted *the females into the Colonel's carriage, wished them a good morning, and took their way towards Temple Bar. " I am at a loss," said DAS HALL, " to guess what you meant by a prior engagement ; for my part, I confess I had engaged myself with you, and never felt a greater inclination for a ramble in my life." " Then," said BOB, " I'll tell youMerry well and Mortimer had determined to give the old Colonel and his company the slip ; and I have engaged, provided you have no objection, to dine with them at the Globe in Fleet Street, at half past four. They are in high glee, ready and ripe for fun, determined to beat up the eastern quarters of the town." " An excellent intention," continued TOM, " and exactly agreeable to my own inclinations we'll meet them, and my life on't we shall have a merry evening. It is now four we will take a walk through the temple, and then to dinner with INCREASE OF THE PLAGUES OF LIFE. 375 what appetite we may so come along. You have heard of the Temple, situated close to the Bar, which takes its name. It is principally occupied by Lawyers, and Law-officers, a useful and im- portant body of men, whose lives are devoted to the study and practice of the law of the land, to keep peace and harmony among the individuals of society, though there are, unfortunately, too many pretenders to legal knowledge, who prey upon the ignorant and live by litigation* such as persons " In a recent meeting at the Egyptian Hall, a celebrated Irish Barrister is reported to have said, that ' blasphemy was the only trade that prospered.' The assertion, like many others in the same speech, was certainly a boid one, and one which the gen- tleman would have found some difficulty in establishing. If however, the learned gentleman had substituted the word law for blasphemy, he would have been much nearer the truth. Of all the evils with which this country is afflicted, that of an excessive passion for law is the greatest. The sum paid annually in taxes is nothing to that which is spent in litigation. Go into our courts of justice, and you will often see sixty or seventy lawyers at a time ; follow them home, and you will find that they are residing in the fashionable parts of the town, and living in the most expensive manner. Look at the lists of the two houses of parliament, and you will find lawyers predoininate in the House of Commons ; and, in the upper house, more peers who owe their origin to the law, than have sprung from the army and aavy united. There is scarcely a street of any respec- tability without an attorney, not to mention the numbers that are congregated in the inns of court. In London alone, we arc told, there are nearly three thousand certificated attornics, and LM the country they are numerous in proportion. While on the subject of lawyers, we shall add a few u tiro a- 37G I AW *NP LAWYER*. who have been employed as clerks to Pettifoggers, who obtain permission to sue in their names ; and uectcd anecdotes, which will exhibit the difference between times past and present In the Rolls of Parliament for the year 1445, there is a petition from two counties in England, stating that the num- ber of attoruies had lately increased from sixteen to twenty-four, whereby the peace of those counties had been greatly interrupted by suits. And it was prayed that it might be ordained, that there x should only be six attornies for the county of Norfolk, the same number for Suffolk, and two for the city of Norwich. The profits of the law have also increased in proportion. We now frequently hear of gentlemen at the bar making ten or fifteen thousand pounds a year by their practice ; and a solici- tor in one single suit, (the trial of Warren Hastings) is said to have gained no less than thirty-five thousand pounds ! How dif- ferent three centuries ago, when Roper, in his life of Sir Thomas More, informs us, that though he was an advocate of the great- est eminence, and in' full business, yet he did not by his profes- sion make above four hundred pounds per annum. There is, however, a common tradition on the other hand, that Sir Edward Coke's gains, at the latter end of this century, equalled those of a modern attorney general ; and, by Lord Bacon's works, it appears that he made 6000/. per annum whilst in this office. Brownlow's profits, likewise, one of the prothonotaries during the reign of Queen Elizabeth, were 6000/. per annum ; and he used to close the profits of the year with a laus deo; and when they happened to be extraordinary, maxima laus deo. There is no person, we believe, who is acquainted with the im- portant duties of the Judges, or the laborious nature of their office, will think that they are too amply remunerated ; and it is not a little remarkable, that when law and lawyers have in- vivased so prodigiously, the number of the Judges is still the same. Fortescuc, in the dedication of his work, De Landi- i.ug Legum Angliae, to Prince Edward, says that the Judge* were LAW AND LAWYERS. 377 persons who know no more of law than what they have learned in Abbot's Park* 015 on board the * Abbot's Park The King's Bench. not accustomed to sit more than three hours in a day ; that is, from eight o'clock in the morning until eleven ; they passed the remainder of the day in studying the laws, and reading the Holy Scriptures. Carte supposes, that the great reason for the lawyers pushing in shoals to become members of Parliament, arose from their desire to receive the wages then paid them by their constituents. By an act of the 5th of Henry IV. lawyers were excluded from Parliament, not from a contempt of the common law itself, but the professors of it, who, at this time, being auditors to men of property, received an annual stipend, pro consilio impenso et impen- dendo, and were treated as retainers. In Madox's Form. Anglican, there is a form of a retainer during his life, of John de Thorp, as counsel to the Earl of Westmoreland ; and it appears by the Household Book of Algernon, fifth Earl of Northumberland, that, in the beginning of the reign of Henry the Eighth, there was, in that family, a regular establishment for two counsellors and their servants. A proclamation was issued on the 6th of November, in the twentieth year of the reign of James I. in which the voters for members of Parliament are directed, " not to choose curious and wrangling lawyers, who may seek reputation by stirring needless questions." A strong psejudice was at this time excited against lawyers. In Aleyn's Henry VIII. (London, 1638,) we have the following phi- lippic against them : " A prating lawyer, (one of those which cloud That honour'd science,) did their conduct take ; He talk'd all law, and the tumultuous crowd Thought it had been all gospel that he spake. At length, these fools their common error saw, A lawyer on their side, but not the law." 16. 3 B 378 LAW AGENTS. Fleet* who assume the title of Law Agents or Accountants, and are admirably fitted for Agents in the Insolvent Debtor's Court under the Insol- vent Act, to make out Schedules, &c. Being up to all the arts and manoeuvres practised with success for the liberation of themselves, they are well calculated to become tutors of others, though they generally take care to be well paid for it." * On board the Fleet The Fleet Prison. Pride the drayman used to say, that it would never be well till the lawyers' gowns, like the Scottish colours, were hung up in Westminster Hall. From Chaucer's character of the Temple Manciple, it would appear, that the great preferment which advocates in this time chiefly aspired to, was to become steward to some great man : he says,- " Of masters he had mo than thryis ten, That were of law expert and curious, Of which there were a dozen in that house, Worthy to ben stuards of house and londe, Of any lord that is in Englonde." The first mention of a barrister being a knight occurs in the third year of Henry the Sixth, when Sir Walter Beauchamp, as counsel, supported the claim of precedence of the Earl of Warwick, against the then Earl Marshal, at the bar of the House of Lords. Mr. Roger Hunt appeared in the same capacity for the Earl Marshal, and both advocates, in their exordium, made most humble protestations, entreating the lord against whom they were retained, not to take amiss what they should advance on the part of their own client. Another point on which the lawyers of the present age differ from their ancestors, is in their prolixity. It was reserved for modern invention to make a trial for high treason last eight days, or to extend a speech to nine hours duration. LAW QUALIFICATIONS. 379 By this time they were entering the Temple. " This," continued TOM, " is an immense range of buildings, stretching from Fleet-street to the river, north and south ; and from Lombard-street, Whitefriars, to Essex-street in the Strand, east and west. " It takes its name from its being founded by the Knights Templars in England. The Templars were crusaders, who, about the year 1118, formed themselves into a military body at Jerusalem, and guarded the roads for the safety of pilgrims. In time the order became very powerful. The Tem- plars in Fleet-street, in the thirteenth century, frequently entertained the King, the Pope's nun- cio, foreign ambassadors, and other great person- ages. *' It is now divided into two societies of stu- dents, called the Inner and Middle Temple, and having the name of Inns of Court. " These societies consistof Benchers, Barristers, Students, and Members. The government is vested in the Benchers. In term time they dine in the hall of the society, which is called keeping com- mons. To dine a fortnight in each term, is deemed keeping the term ; and twelve of these terms qua- lify a student to be called to the bar, that is, to be entitled to plead and manage causes for clients in the courts. " These societies have the following officers and servants : a treasurer, sub-treasurer, steward, thief butler, three under-bntlers, upper and under 3SO BENCHERS STUDENTS cook, a pannier-man, a gardener, two porters, two wash-pots, and watchmen. " The Benchers assume and exercise a power that can scarcely be reconciled to the reason of the thing. They examine students as to their proficiency in the knowledge of the law, and call candidates to the bar, or reject them at pleasure, and without appeal. It is pretty well known that students in some cases eat their way to the bar ; in which there can be no great harm, because their clients will take the liberty afterwards of iudging how far they have otherwise qualified them- selves. But every man that eats in those societies should be called, or the rejection should be founded solely on his ignorance of the law, and should be subject to an appeal to a higher jurisdiction; otherwise the power of the Benchers may be exercised on private or party motives. " The expence of going through the course of these Societies is not great. In the Inner Temple, a student pays on admission, for the fees of the society, 3/. 6s. Sd. which, with other customary charges, amounts to 4/. 2*. A duty is also paid to the King, which is high. Terms may be kept for about 10*. per week, and, in fact, students may dine at a cheaper rate here than any where beside. The expences in the principal societies of like na- ture are something more. " Their kitchens, and dinner- rooms, merit the inspection of strangers, and may be seen on ap- plying to t*he porter, or cooks, without fee or in- EATING THEIR WAY TO THE BAR. 381 troduction. Our time is short now, or we would take a peep ; you must therefore content yourself with my description. " The Temple is an irregular building. In Fleet- street are two entrances, one to the Inner, and the other to the Middle Temple. The latter has a front in the manner of Inigo Jones, of brick, orna- mented with four large stone pilastres, of the Ionic order, with a pediment. It is too narrow, and being lofty, wants proportion. The passage to which it leads, although designed for carriages, is narrow, inconvenient, and mean. " The garden of the Inner Temple is not only a most happy situation, but is laid out with great taste, and kept in perfect order. It is chiefly co- vered with green sward, which is pleasing to the eye, especially in a city, and is most agreeable to walk on. It lies, as you perceive, along the river, is of great extent, and has a spacious gravel walk, or terrace, on the bank of the Thames. It forms a crowded promenade in summer, and at such times is an interesting spot. " The Middle Temple has a garden, but much smaller, and not so advantageously situated. " The hall of the Middle Temple is a spacious and elegant room in its style. Many great feasts have been given in it in old times. It is well worth a visit. " The Inner Temple hall is comparatively small, but is a fine room. It is ornamented with the por- traits of several of the Judges. Before this hall is 382 TEMP.LE LIBRARIES CHURCH a broad paved terrace, forming an excellent pro- nenade, when the gardens are not sufficiently dry. " There are two good libraries belonging to these societies, open to students, and to others on application to the librarian, from ten in the morn- ing till ope , and in the afternoon from two till six. " The Temple church belongs in common to the two societies. The Knights Templars built their church on this site, which was destroyed, and the present edifice was erected by the Knights Hospi- tallers. It is in the Norman style of architecture, and has three aisles, running east and west, and two cross aisles. At the western end is a spacious round tower, the inside of which forms an elegant and singular entrance into the church, from which it is not separated by close walls, but merely by arches. The whole edifice within has an uncom- mon and noble aspect. The roof of the church is supported by slight pillars of Sussex marble, and there are three windows at each side, adorned with small pillars of the same marble. The entire floor is of flags of black and white marble ; the roof of the tower is supported with six pillars, hav- ing an upper and lower range of small arches, except on the eastern side, opening into the church. The length of the church is eighty- three feet ; the breadth sixty ; and the height thirty -four ; the height of the inside of the tower is forty-eight feet, and its diameter on the floor fifty-one. " In the porch or tower are the tombs of eleven nights Temnlars ; eight of them have the figures GARDENS fRAFFIC, ETC. 383 of armed knights on them, three of them being the tombs of so many Earls of Pembroke. The organ of this church is one of the finest in the world. " The Temple church is open for divine service every day, at eleven o'clock in the morning, and at four in the afternoon. There are four entrances into the Temple, besides those in Fleet-street ; and it is a thoroughfare during the day, but the gates are shut at night. The gardens are open to the public in summer. It is a place of much busi- ness and constant traffic, I assure you." " I perceive it," said BOB, " by the number of persons passing and repassing, every one appa- rently animated and impelled by some business of importance." "Yes, it is something like a steam-boiler, by which a considerable portion of the engines of the Law are kept in motion. They can alarm and allay according to the pockets of their customers, or the sagacity which they are able to discover in their heads. There are perhaps as many Quacks in this profession as in any other," continued TOM, as they regained Fleet-street; when, per- ceiving it was half past four o'clock by St. Dunstan's " But we must cow make the best of our way, or we may be cut out of the good things of this Globe" " What are so many persons collected together here for ?" enquired BOB. " Merely to witness a little of ingenious ma- oc64 ST. DUNSTAN'S BELL-THU.MI>ERS. chinery. Keep your eye on the two figures in the front of the church with clubs in their hands." " I do," said BOB ; " but there does not appear to me to be any thing very remarkable about them." He scarcely uttered the words, when he ob- served that these figures struck their clubs upon the bells which hung between them to denote the time of day. " These figures," said TOM, " and the circum- stance of giving them motion every fifteen minutes by the movments of the clock, have attracted a great deal of notice, particularly among persons from the country, and at almost every quarter of an hour throughout the day they are honoured with spectators. The church itself is very ancient, and has been recently beautified. The Bell thumpers, whose abilities you have just had a specimen of, have been standing there ever since the year 1671." " It is hard service," said BOB, " and they must certainly deserve a pension from Government more than many of the automatons who are now in the enjoyment of the national bounties." " You are right enough," said a Translator of Soles* who had overheard BOB'S last remark, with * Trantlator of Soles A disciple of St. Crispin, alias a cobbler, who can botch up old shoes, so as to have the appearance of be ; ng almost new, and who is principally engaged in his laudable occu- pation by the second-hand shoe-sellers of Field Lane, Turn Stile, &c. for the purpose of turning an honest penny, i. e. to deceive poor purchasers. 10LIT1CAL COBBLER. 385 a pair of old shoes under his arm ; " and d n me if I would give a pair of crazy crabshelh* without vamp or whdt for the whole boiling of 'e7t there is not one on 'em worth a bloody jemmy. "J Upon hearing this from the political Cobbler, a disturbed sort of shout was uttered by the sur- rounding spectators, who had rather increased than diminished in number, to hear the observations of the leathern-lung'd Orator ; when TOM, giving his Cousin a significant pinch of the arm, impelled him forward, and left them to the enjoyment of their humour. " Political observations are always bad in the street," said TOM ; " it is a subject upon which scarcely any two persons agree distinctly Old Wax and Bristles is about three sheets in the witid,^ and no doubt there are enough to take advantage of any persons stopping at this time of the day."|l * Crab-sJiellsA. cant terra for shoes. t Whole boiling of 'em The whole kit of 'em, &c. means the whole party. I Bloody Jemmy A cant term for a sheep's head. ^ Three shtett in the wind A. cant phrase intending to explain that a person is more than half drunk. || This was a hint well given by DASHALL; for, in the pre- sent times, it is scarcely possible to be aware of the numerous depredations that are committed in the streets of the Metropolis in open day-light; and it is a well-known fact, that Fleet Street being one of the leading thoroughfares, is at almost all times infested with loose characters of every description, from th 17. 3 c 366 BURNING OUT. What have we here ? " said BOB, who observed a concourse of people surrounding the end of Fetter Lane. " Only a couple more of striking figures,** re- plied TOM, " almost as intelligent as those we have just seen." BOB bustled forward, and looking down the lane, perceived two Watchmen, one on each side the street, bearing poles with black boards in- scribed in white letters, " BEWARE OF BAD HOUSES," and a lantern hanging to each. "These," said TOM, " are not decoy ducks, but scare crows, at least they are intended for such ; whether their appearance does not operate as much one way as it does the other, is, I believe, a matter of doubt." " BEWARE OF BAD HOUSES/' said BOB " I don't exactly see the object." " No, perhaps not," continued his Cousin ; " but I will tell you : this is a method which the Church- wardens of parishes sometimes take of shaming the pa-pa or fa fa ladies from their residences, or at least of discovering their visitors ; but I am half inclined to t4iink, that nine times out of ten the contrary effect is produced ; for these men who are stationed as warnings to avoid, are easily to be well-dressed Sharpers, who hover round the entrances to billiard- tables to mark new comers, and jjive information to the vils in waiting, somewhere within call, and who are called Macersto the wily Duffers or Buffers, willing to sell extraordinary bargaius, and the Cly-fAker or Pickpocket. COFF4E HOUSES. 387 blinded by the gay and gallant youths, who have an inclination to obtain an admission to the fair cyprians ; besides which, if the first inhabitants are really induced to quit, the house is quickly occu- pied by similar game, and the circumstance of the burning out, as it is termed, serves as a direction- post to new visitors ; so that no real good is even- tually effected Come, we had better move on there is nothing more extraordinary here." " This is Peele's Coffee House," continued he ' a house celebrated for its general good accom- modations. Here, as well as at the Chapter Coffee House, in Paternoster Row, all the newspapers are kept filed annually, and may be referred to by application to the Waiters, at the very trifling ex- pense of a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. The Monthly and Quarterly Reviews, and the provin- cial papers, are also kept for the accommodation of the customers, and constitute an extensive and va- luable library ; it is the frequent resort of Authors and Critics, who meet to pore over the news of the day, or search the records of past times." " An excellent way of passing an hour," said BOB, " and a proof of the studied attention which is paid not only to the comforts and convenience of their customers, but also to their instruction." "You are right," replied TOM; "in London every man has an opportunity of living according to his wishes and the powers of his pocket ; he may dive, like Roderick Random, into a cellar and fill his belly for four pence, or regale himself 388 METROPOLITAN ACCOMMODATIONS with the more exquisite delicacies of the London Tavern at a guinea ; while the moderate trades- man can be supplied at a chop-house for a couple of shillings ; and the mechanic by a call at the shop over the way at the corner of Water Lane,* may purchase his half pound of ham or beef, and retire to a public-house to eat it ; where he obtains his pint of porter, and in turn has an opportunity of reading the Morning Advertiser, the Times, or the Chronicle. Up this court is a well-known house, the sign of the Old Cheshire Cheese ; it has long been established as a chop-house, and provides daily for a considerable number of per- sons ; but similar accommodations are to be found in almost every street in London. Then again, there are cook- shops of a still humbler description where a dinner may be procured at a still more moderate price ; so that in this great Metropolis there is accommodation for all ranks and descrip- * This allusion was made by the Hon. TOM DASHALL to the Shop of Mr. Cantis, who was formerly in the employ of Mr. Epps, and whose appearance in opposition to him at Temple Bar a few years back excited a great deal of public attention, and had the effect of -educing the prices of their ham and beef. Mr. Epps generally has from fourteen to twenty Shops, and sometimes more, situated in different parts of the Metropolis, and there is scarcely a street in London where there is not some similar place of accomodation ; but Mr. Epps is the most extensive purveyor for the public appetite. At these shops, families may be supplied with any quantity, from an ounce to a pound, of hot boiled beef and ham at moderate prices; while the poor are regaled with a plate of cuttings at penny or twopence each. PLEASURES OF A CHOP-HOUSE. 389 tions of persons, who may be served according to the delicacy of their appetites and the state of their finances. " A Chop-house is productive of all the plea- sures in life ; it is a conbination of the most agree- able and satisfactory amusements : indeed, those who have never had an opportunity of experiencing the true happiness therein to be found, have a large portion of delight and gratification to dis- cover : the heart, the mind and the constitution are to be mended upon crossing its threshold ; and description must fall short in its efforts to pourtray its enlivening and invigorating influence ; it is, in a word, a little world within itself, absolutely a uni- verse in miniature, possessing a system peculiar to itself, of planets and satellites, and fixed stars and revolutions, and its motions are annual, rotatory and diurnal, in all its extensive diversity of waiters, cooks, saucepans, fryingpans, gridirons, salaman- ders, stoves and smoke-jacks ; so that if you wish to know true and uncloying delight, you are now acquainted with where it is to be found. Not all the sages of the ancient or the modern world ever dreamed of a theory half so exquisite, or calculated to afford man a treat so truly delicious. " Within the doors of a Chop-house are to be found food for both body and soul mortal and mental appetites feasting for corporeal cravings and cravings intellectual nourishment at once for the faculties both of mind and body : there, in fact. 390 CHOP-HOUSE DELIGHTS the brain may be invigorated, and the mind fed with good things ; while the palate is satisfied by devouring a mutton chop, a veal cutlet, or a beef steak ; and huge draughts of wisdom may be im- bibed while drinking a bottle of soda or a pint of humble porter "In this delightful place of amusement and convenience, there is provender for philosophers or fools, stoics or epicureans ; contemplation for genius of all denominations ; and it embraces every species of science and of art, (having an especial eye to the inportant art of Cookery;) it encom- passes all that is worthy of the sublimest faculties and capacities of the soul ; it is the resort of all that is truly good and glorious on earth (he needy and the noble, the wealthy and the wise. Its high esti- mation is universally acknowledged ; it has the suf- frage of the whole world, so much so, that at all times and in all seasons its supremacy is admitted and its influence recognized. The name, the very name alone, is sufficient to excite all that is pleasant to our senses (five or seven, how many soever there may be.) A Chop-house ! at that word what de- lightful prospects are presented to the mind's eye what a clashing of knives and forks and plates and pewter pots, and rushing of footsteps and murmurings of expectant hosts enter into our de- lighted ears what gay scenes of varied beauty, and many natured viands and viscous soups, tarts, puddings and pies, rise before our visual nerves*^ AND RECREATIONS. 39l what fragrant perfumes, sweet scented odours, and grateful gales of delicate dainties stream into our olfactory perceptions, " - - - - Like the sweet south Upon a bank a bank of violets, giving And taking odour." Its powers are as vast as wonderful and goodly, and extend over all animal and animated nature, biped and quadruped, the earth, the air, and all that therein is. By its high decree, the beast may no longer bask in the noon tide of its nature, the birds must forsake their pure ether, and the pisca- tory dwellers in the vasty deep may spread nc more their finny sails towards their caves of coral The fruits, the herbs, and the other upgrowings of the habitable world, and all created things, by one wave of the mighty wand are brought togethei into this their common tomb. It is creative also of the lordliest independence of spirit. It excites the best passions of the heart it calls into action every kind and generous feeling of our nature it begets fraternal affection and unanimity and cordiality of soul, and excellent neighbourhood among men it will correct antipodes, for its mi- nisterial effects will produce a Radical advantage its component parts go down with the world, and are well digested." " Your description," said BOB, " has already had the effect of awakening appetite, and. I feel almost as hungry as if I were just returning from a fox-chace." 392 ORGANS TflfHOUT STOPS. "Then/' continued the Hon. TOM DASHALL, " it is not only admirable as a whole, its consti- tuent and individual beauties are as provocative of respect as the mass is of our veneration. From among its innumerable excellencies I will men- tion one which deserves to be held in recollection and kept in our contemplation what is more de- lightful than a fine beef-steak ? spite of Lexico- graphers, there is something of harmony even in its name, it seems to be the key-note of our best con- structed organs, (organs differing from all others, only because they have no stops,) it circles all that is full, rich and sonorous- -I do not mean in its articulated enunciation, but in its internal accep- tation there there we feel all its strength and diapas, or force and quantity." " Admirable arrangements, indeed," said BOB. " True," continued TOM; " and all of them comparatively comfortable, according to their gra- dations and the rank or circumstances of their customers. The Tavern furnishes wines, &c. ; the Pot-house, porter, ale, and liquors suitable to the high or low. The sturdy Porter, sweating beneath his load, may here refresh himself with heavy wet ;* the Dustman, or the Chimney-sweep, may sluice his ivory f with the Elixir of Life, now fashionably termed Daffy s" * Heavy wet A. well-known appellation for beer, portei, or ale. t Sfutce the ivory Is originally derived from sluicery, and means washing, or passing over the teeth. DAFFY'S ELIXIR BLUE RUIN, ETC. 393 " Daffy s," said TALLYHO-" that is some- what new to me, I don't recollect hearing it be- fore?" " Daffy s Elixir" replied DASHALL, " was a celebrated quack medicine, formerly sold by a ce- lebrated Doctor of that name, and recommended by him as a cure for all diseases incident to the human frame. This Gin, Old Tom, and Blue Ruin, are equally recommended in the present day ; in consequence of which, some of the learned gen- tleman of the sporting world have given it the title of Daffy s, though this excellent beverage is known by many other names. " For instance, the Lady of refined sentiments and delicate nerves, eels the necessity of a little cordial refreshment, to brighten the one and enliven the other, and therefore takes it on the sly, under the polite appellation of white wine. The knowing Kids and dashing Swells are for a drap of blue ruin, to keep all things in good twig. The Laundress, who disdains to be termed a dry washer, dearly loves a dollop* of Old Tom, because, while she is up to her elbows in suds, and surrounded with steam, she thinks a drap of the old gemman (hav- ing no pretensions to a young one) would comfort and strengthen her inside, and consequently swal- lows the inspiring dram. The travelling Cat-gut Scraper, and the Hurdy-Grinder, think there Dollop Is a large or good quantity of any thing : the whole dollop means the whole quantity. 17. 3 D 394 MAX, A UNIVERSAL BEVERAGE. is music in the sound of max, and can toss off their kevartern to any tune in good time. The Painter considers it desirable to produce effect by mingling his dead white with a little sky blue. The Donkey driver and the Fish-fag are bang-up for a flash of lightning, to illumine their ideas. The Cyprian, whose marchings and countermarchings in search of custom are productive of extreme fatigue, may, in some degree, be said to owe her existence to Jackey ; at least she considers him a dear boy, and deserving her best attentions, so long as she has any power. The Lwk-boys, the Mud-larks, and .he Watermen, who hang round public-house doors to feed horses, &c. club up their brads for a kevartern of Stark-nakea in three outs. The Semp- stress and Straw Bonnet-maker are for a yard of White Tape; and the Swell Covies and Out and Outers, find nothing so refreshing after a night's spree, when the victualling-office is out of order, as a little Fullers-earth, or a dose of Daffy's ; so that it may fairly be presumed it is a universal be- verage nay, so much so, that a certain gentleman of City notoriety, though he has not yet obtained a seat in St. Stephens Chapel, with an ingenuity equal to that of the Bug-destroyer to the King* has latterly decorated his house, not a hundred * It is a wen-known fact, that a person of the name of Tiffin announced himself to the world under this vry seductive title which, doubtless, had the effect of bringing him considerable custom from the loyal subjects of his great patron. THE QUEEN'S GIN-SHOP. 395 miles from Cripplegate, with the words Wine and Brandy Merchant to her Majesty, in large letters, from which circumstance his depository of the refreshing and invigorating articles of life has ob- tained the appellation of the Queens Gin Shop." BOB laughed heartily at his Cousin's interpreta- tion of Daffy s. While TOM humm'd, in an under tone, the fag end of a song, by way of conclusion " Why, there's old Mother Jones, of St. Thomas's Street, If a jovial companion she chances to meet, Away to the gin-shop they fly for some max, And for it they'd pawn the last smock from their backs ; For the juniper berry, It makes their hearts merry, With a hey down down derry, Geneva's the Hc'Jor of life." By this time they were at the Globe; upon entering which, they were greeted by Mortimer and Merrywell, who had arrived before them; and dinner being served almost immediately, they were as quickly seated at the table, to partake of an excellent repast. 396 GLOBE COFFEE-HOUSE. CHAP. XIX " Here fashion and folly still go hand in hand, With the Bladet of the East, aud the Bucks of the Strani; The Bloods of the Park, and paraders so gay, Who are lounging in Bond Street the most of the day Who are foremost in all that is formed for delight, At greeking, or wenching, or drinking all night ; Fur London is circled with unceasing joys : Then, East, West, North and South, let us hunt them, my boys.' THE entrance to the house had attracted TAL- LYHO'S admiration as they proceeded ; but the taste and elegance of the Coffee-room, fitted up with brilliant chandeliers," and presenting amidst a blaze of splendour every comfort and accommo- dation for its visitors, struck him with surprise; in which however he was not suffered to remain long, for Merrywell and Mortimer had laid their plans with some degree of depth and determination to carry into execution the proposed ramble of the evening, and had ordered a private room for the party ; besides which, they had invited a friend to join them, who was introduced to TOM and BOB, under the title of Frank Harry. Frank Harry was a humorous sort of fellow, who could tell a tough story, sing a merry song, and was up to snuff, though he frequently got snuffy, singing, A HUMOROUS SORT OF FELLOW. 397 44 The bottle's the Sun of our table, His beams are rosy wino : We, planets never are able Without his beams to shine. Let mirth and glee abound, You'll soon grow bright With borrowed light, And shine as he goes round." He was also a bit of a dabbler at Poetry, a writer of Songs, Epigrams, Epitaphs, &c.; and having been a long resident in the East, was thought to be a very useful guide on such an excursion, and proved himself a very pleasant sort of companion : he had a dawning pleasantry in his countenance, eradiated by an eye of vivacity, which seemed to indicate there was nothing which gave him so much grati- fication as a mirth-moving jest. " What spirits were his, what wit and what whim, Now cracking a joke, and now breaking a limb." Give him but food for laughter, and he would almost consider himself furnished with food and raimenr There was however a pedantic manner with him at times ; an affectation of the clerical in his dress, which, upon the whole, did not appear to be of the newest fashion, or improved by wearing ; yet he would not barter one wakeful jest for a hundred sleepy sermons, or one laugh for a thousand sighs. If he ever sigh'd at all, it was because he had been serious where he might have laugh'd ; if he haa ever wept, it was because mankind had not laugh'* more and mourn'd less. He appeared almost to be made up of contrarieties, turning at times the 398 A PUNSTER. most serious subjects into ridicule, and moralizing upon the most ludicrous occurrences of life, never failing to conclude his observations with some quaint or witty sentiment to excite risibility; seem- ing at the same time to say, " How I love to laugh ; Never was a weeper ; Care's a silly calf, Joy's my casket keeper " ' Dunng dinner time he kept the table m a roar of laughter, by declaring it was his opinion there was a kind of puppyism in pigs that they should wear tails calling a great coat, a spencer folio edition with tail-pieces Hercules, a man-midwife in a small way of business, because he had but twelve labours assured them he had seen a wo- man that morning who had swallowed an almanac, which he explained by adding, that her features were so carbuncled, that the red letter d days were visible on her face that Horace ran away from the battle of Philippi, merely to prove that he was no lame poet he described Critics as the door- porters to the Temple of Fame, whose business was to see that no persons slipped in with holes in their stockings, or paste buckles for diamond ones, but was much in doubt whether they always per- formed their duty honestly he called the Sun the Yellow-hair d Laddie and the Prince of Darkness, the Black Prince ask'd what was the difference between a sigh-heaver and a coal-heaver; but ob- taining no answer, I will tell you, said he The A PUNSTER. 399 c00/-heaver has a load at his back, which he can carry but a sigh-heavier has one at his heart, which he can not carry. He had a whimsical knack of quoting old proverbs, and instead of saying, the Cobbler should stick to his last, he conceived it ought to be, the Cobbler should stick to his wax, because he thought that the more practicable What is bred in the bone, said he, w.ill not come out with the skewer-, and justified his alteration by asserting it must be plain enough to the fat- headed comprehensions of those epicurean persons who have the magpie-propensity of prying into marrow-bones. DAS HALL having remarked, in the course of con- versation, that necessity has no law, He declared he was sorry for it it was surely a pity, considering the number of learned Clerks she might give employ to if she had her Chancellor (continued he) would have no sinecure of it, I iudge: hearing the petitions of her poor, broken- fortuned and bankrupt subjects would take up all his terms, though every term were a year, and every year a term. Thus he united humour with seriousness, and seriousness with humour, to the infinite amusement of those around him. Merrywell, who was well acquainted with, and knew his humour, took every opportunity of what is called drawing him out, and encouraging his propensity to punning, a species of wit at which he was particularly happy, for puns fell as thick from him as leaves from autumn bowers ; and he 400 A GENERAL "UX-WIUGHT further entertained them with an account of the intention he had some short time back of petition ing for the office of pun-purveyor to his late Ma jesty ; but that before he could write the last line " And your petitioner will ever pun" it was be- stowed upon a Yeoman of the Guard. Still, how- ever, said he, I have an idea of opening business as a pun-wright in general to his Majesty's subjects, for the sale and diffusion of all that is valuable in that small ware of wit, and intend to advertise Puns upon all subjects, wholesale, retail, and for exportation. N B. 1. An allowance will bem^de to Captains and Gentlemen going to the East and West Indies Hooks, Peakes, Pococks,* supplied on mo- derate terms worn out sentiments and clap-traps will be taken in exchange. N B. 2 May be had in a large quantity, in a great deal box, price five acts of sterling comedy per packet, or in small quantities, in court-plaster sized boxes, price one melo-dramaand an interlude per box. N B. 3. The genuine puns are sealed with a true Munden grin all others are counterfeits Long live Apollo, &c. &c. The cloth being removed, the wine was intro- duced, and " As wine whets the wit, improves its native force, And gives a pleasant flavour to discourse," Frank Harry became more lively at each glass M Egad! "said he, " my intention o' petitioning Well-known dramatic authors. SIGNALS AND SIGNS. 401 to be the king's punster, puts me in mind of a story." " Can't you sing it?" enquired Merry well. *' The pipes want clearing out first," was the reply, " ariu that is a sign I can't sing at present ; but signal as it may appear, and I see some tele- graphic motions are exchanging, my intention is to shew to you all the doubtful interpretation of signs in general." " Let's have it then/* said TOM ; " but, Mr. Chairman, I remember an old Song which con- cludes with this sentiment ' Tis hell upon earth to be wanting of wine." The bottle is out, we must replenish." The hint was no sooner given, than the defect was remedied ; and after another glass, " King James VI. on his arrival in London, (said he) was waited on by a Spanish Ambassador, a man of some erudition, but who had strangely incorporated with his learning, a whimsical no- tion, that every country ought to have a school, in which a certain order of men should be taught to interpret signs ; and that the most expert in this department ought to be dignified with the title of Professor of Signs. If this plan were adopted, he contended, that most of the difficulties arising from the ambiguity of language, and the imperfect ac- quaintance which people of one nation had with the tongue of another, would be done away. Signs, he argued, arose from the dictates of na- 3 E DISCONCERTED PROFESSORS. ture ; and, as they were the same in every country, there could be no danger of their being mis- understood. Full of this project, the Ambassador was lamenting one day before the King, that the nations of Europe were wholly destitute of this grand desideratum ; and he strongly recommended the establishment of a college founded upon the simple principles he had suggested. The king, either to humour this Quixotic foible, or to gratify his own ambition at the expense of truth, observed, in reply, ' Why, Sir, I have a Professor of Signs in one of the northernmost colleges in my do- minions ; but the distance is, perhaps, six hundred miles, so that it will be impracticable for you to have an interview with him.' .Pleased with this unexpected information, the Ambassador exclaim- ed ' If it had been six hundred leagues, I would go to see him ; and I am determined to set out in the course of three or four days.' The King, who now perceived that he had committed himself, en- deavoured to divert him from his purpose ; but, finding this impossible, he immediately caused let- ters to be written to the college, stating the case as it really stood, and desired the Professors to get rid of the Ambassador in the best manner they were able, without exposing their Sovereign. Dis- concerted at this strange and unexpected message, the Professors scarcely knew how to proceed. They, however, at length, thought to put off their ?ugust visitant, by saying, that the Professor of Signs was not at home, and that his return would A PATIENT CUSTOMER. 403 be very uncertain. Having thus fabricated the story, they made preparations to receive the illus- trious stranger, who, keeping his word, in due time reached their abode. On his arrival, being introduced with becoming solemnity, he began to enquire, who among them had the honour of being Professor of Signs ? He was told in reply, that neither of them had that exalted honour; but the learned gentleman, after whom he enquired, was gone into the Highlands, that they conceived his stay would be considerable ; but that no one among them could even conjecture the period of his return. ' I will wait his coming/ replied the Ambassador, * if it be twelve months.' " Finding him thus determined, and fearing, from the journey he had already undertaken that he mightbe as good as his word, the learned Professors had recourse to another stratagem. To this they found themselves driven, by the apprehension that they must entertain him as long as he chose to tarry ; and in case he should unfortunately weary out their patience, the whole affair must terminate in a dis- covery of the fraud. They knew a Butcher, who had been in the habit of serving the colleges oc- casionally with meat. This man, they thought, with a little instruction might serve their purpose ; he was, however, blind with one eye, but he had much drollery and impudence about him, and very well Knew how to conduct any farce to which his abi- ities were competent. "On sending for Gcordt/. (for that was the 404 A LEARNED BUTCHER. - butcher's name) they communicated to him the tale, and instructing him in the part he was to act, he readily undertook to become Profes- sor of Signs, especially as he was not to speak one word in the Ambassador s presence, on any pretence whatever. Having made these arrange- ments, it was formally announced to the Ambas- sador, that the Professor would be in town in the course of a few days, when he might expect a silent interview. Pleased with this information, the learned foreigner thought that he would put his abilities at once to the test, by introducing into his chimb language some subject that should be at once difficult, interesting, and important. When the day of interview arrived, Geordy was cleaned up, decorated with a large bushy wig, and covered over with a singular gown, in every respect becoming his station. He was then seated in a chair of state, in one of their large rooms, while the Ambassador and the trembling Professors waited in an adjoin- ing apartment. " It was at length announced, that the learned Professor of Signs was ready to receive his Ex- cellency, who, on entering the room, was struck with astonishment at his venerable and dignified appearance. As none of the Professors would presume to enter, to witness the interview, under a pretence of delicacy, (but, in reality, for fear that their presence might have some effect upon the risible muscles of Geordy s countenance) they waited with inconceivable anxiety, the result of MARROW-BONKS AND CLEAVERS. 405 this strange adventure, upon which depended their own credit, that of the King, and, in some degree, the honour of the nation. " As this was an interview of signs, the Am- bassador began with Geordy, by holding up one of his fingers; Geordy replied, by holding up two. The Ambassador then held up three ; Geordy answered, by clenching his fist, and looking sternly. The Ambassador then took an orange from his pocket, and held it up; Geordy re- turned the compliment, by taking from his pocket a piece of a barley cake, which he exhibited in a similar manner. The ambassador, satisfied with the vast attainments of the learned Professor, then bowed before him with profound reverence, and retired. On rejoining the agitated Professors, they fearfully began to enquire what his Excel- lency thought of their learned brother ? ' He is a perfect miracle,' replied the Ambassador, ' his worth is not to be purchased by the wealth of half the Indies/ ' May we presume to descend to par- ticulars ? ' returned the Professors, who now began to think themselves somewhat out of danger * Gentlemen,' said the Ambassador, * when I first entered into his presence, I held up one finger, to denote that there is one God. He then held up two, signifying that the Father should not be di- vided from the Son. I then held up three, inti- mating, that I believed in Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. He then clenched his fist, and, looking sternly at me, signified, that these three are one; 406 A SUCCESSFUL STRATAGEM. and that he would defy me, either to separate them, or to make additions. I then took out an orange from my pocket, and held it up, to show the goodness of God, and to signify that he gives to his creatures not only the necessaries, but even the luxuries of life. Then, to my utter astonish- ment, this wonderful man took from his pocket a piece of bread, thus assuring me, that this was the staff of life, and was to be preferred to all the luxuries in the world. Being thus satisfied with his proficiency and great attainments in this science, I silently withdrew, to reflect upon what I had witnessed.' " Diverted with the success of their stratagem, *he Professors continued to entertain their visitor, until he thought prudent to withdraw. No sooner had he retired, than the opportunity was seized to learn from Geordy, in what manner he had pro- ceeded to give the Ambassador such wonderful satisfaction ; they being at a loss to conceive how he could have caught his ideas with so much promptitude, and have replied to them with pro- portionable readiness. But, that one story might not borrow any features from the other, they concealed from Geordy all they had learned from the Ambassador ; and" desiring him to begin with his relation, he proceeded in the following man- ner :-' When the rascal came into the room, after gazing at me a little, what do you think, gentle- men, that he did? He held up one finger, as much as to say, you have only one eye. I then held up A MISCONCEPTION. 407 two, to let him know that my one eye was as good as both of his. He then held up three, as much as to say, we have only three eyes between us. This was so provoking, that I bent my fist at the scoundrel, and had it not been for your sakes, I should certainly have risen from the chair, pulled off my wig and gown, and taught him how to insult a man, because he had the misfortune to lose one eye. The impudence of the fellow, however, did not stop here ; for he then pulled out an orange from his pocket, and held it up, as much as to say, Your poor beggarly country cannot produce this. I then pulled out a piece of good cake, and held it up, giving him to understand, that I did not care a farthing for his trash. Neither do I; and I only regret, that I did not thrash the scoundrel'? hide, that he might remember how he insulted me, and abused my country.' We may learn from hence, that if there are not two ways of telling a story, there are at least two ways of understanding Signs, and also of interpreting them." This story, which was told with considerable effect by their merry companion, alternately called forth loud bursts of laughter, induced profound silence, and particularly interested and delighted young Mortimer and TALLYHO ; while Merry weH kept the glass in circulation, insisting on no day- light* nor heel-taps,^ and the lads began to feel * No day-light That is to leave no space in the glass ; or, in other words, to take a bumper, t Heel-taps To leave no wine at the bottom. 40 A PICTURE OF LONDON. themselves all in high feather. Time was passing in fearless enjoyment, and Frank Harry being called on by Merry well for a song, declared he had no objection to tip 'em a rum chant, provided it was agreed that it should go round. This proposal was instantly acceded to, a pro- mise made that he should not be at a loss for a good coal-box; * and after a little more rosin, with- out which, he said, he could not pitch the key-note, he sung the following SONG. Oh, London ! dear London ! magnanimous City, Say where is thy likeness again to be found ? Here pleasures abundant, delightful and pretty, All whisk us and frisk us in magical round ; Here we have all that in life can merry be, Looking and laughing with friends Hob and Nob, More frolic and fun than there's bloom on tb& cherry-tree, While we can muster a Sovereign Bob. ( Spoken} Yes, yes, London is the large world in a small com- pass : it contains all the comforts and pleasures of human life " Aye aye, (says a Bumpkin to his more accom- plished Kinsman) Ye mun brag o' yer Lunnun fare; if tmoak, tmother, mud, and make-shift be the comforts and pleasures, gie me free air, h.-a'th and a cottage." Ha, ha, ha, Hark at the just-catch'd Johnny Raw, (says a bang-up Lad in a lily-sJutllow and upper toggery) where the devil did you come from? who let you loose upon ociety? d e, you ought to be coop'd up at Exeter 'Change among the wild beasts, the Kangaroos and Catabaws, and shewn as the eighth wonder of the world Shew 'em in! Shew 'em in! stir him up witK a long Coal-lox A very common corruption of chorug. PICTURE OF LON'DOV. -109 pofe ; the like never seen before ; here's the head of an owl with the tail of an ass all alive, alive O ! D me" Low the fellow stares ; what a marvellous piece of a mop- stick without thrums. " By gum (says the Bumpkin) you looks more hite an ape, and Ise a great mind to gie thee a douse o the chops." You'd soon find yourself chop-fallen there, my nabs, (replies his antagonist) you are not up to the gammon you must go to College and learn to sing Oh, London ! dear London ! &c Here the streets are so gay, aim tfte features so smiling, With uproar and noise, bustle, bothtt , and gig ; The lasses (dear creatures !) each sorrow beguiling, The Duke and the Dustman, the Peer and the Png ; Here is his Lordship from gay Piccadilly. There an ould Clothesman from Rosemary Lane ; Here is a Dandy in search of ajilly, And there is a Blood, ripe for milling a pane. (Spoken) Ml higgledy-piggledy, pigs ia the straw Law- yers, Lapidaries, Lamplighters, and Lap-dogs Men- milliners, Money-lenders, and fancy Millers, Mouse-trap Mongers, and Matchmen, in one eternal round of variety ! Paradise is a pail of cold water in comparison with its unparalleled pleasures and tne wishing cap of Fortuna- tus could not produce a greater abundance of delight Cat's Meat Dog's Meat Here they are all four a penny, hot hot hot, smoking hot, piping hot hot Chelsea Buns Clothes sale, clothes Sweep, sweep while a poor bare- footed Ballad Singer with a hoarse discordant voice at in- tervals chimes in with " They led me like a pilgrim thro' the labyrinth of care, You may know me by my sign and the robe that I wear ; " so that the concatenation of sounds mingling all at once into one undistinguished concert of harmony, induces mo to add mine to the number, by singing Oh, London ! dear London ! &c- 18. 3 F 410 PICTURE OF LONDON. The Butcher, whose tray meets the dough of the Baker, And bundles his bread-basket out of his hand; The Exquisite Lad, and the dingy Flue Faker* And coaches to go that are all on the stand : Here you may see the lean sons of Parnassus, The puffing Perfumer, so spruce and so neat ; While Ladies, who flock to thefam'd Bonassus, Are boning our hearts as we walk thro' the street. (Spoken)" In gude truth," says a brawney Scotchman, " I'se ne'er see'd sic bonny work in a' my liefe there's nae walking up the streets without being knock'd doon, and nae walking doon the streets without being tripp'd up." " Blood-an-oons, (says an Irishman) don't be after blowing away your breath in blarney, my dear, when you'll want it presently to cool your barley broth." " By a leaf," cries a Porter with a chest of drawers on his knot, and, passing between them, capsizes both at once, then makes the best of his way on a jog-trot, hum- ming to himself, Ally Croaker, or Hey diddle Ho diddle de ; and leaving the fallen heroes to console themselves with, broken heads, while some officious friends are care- fully placing them on their legs, and genteelly easing their pockets of tlie possibles ; after which they toddle off at lei- sure, to sing Ob, London ! dear London ! &c Then for buildings so various, ah, who would conceive it, Unless up to London they'd certainly been ? Tis a truth, I aver, tho' you'd scarcely believe it, That at the Court end not a Court's to be seen , Then for grandeur or style, pray where is the nation For fashion or folly can equal our own? Or fit out a fete like the grand Coronation'' I defy the whole world, there is certainly none. (Spoken) Talk of sights and sounds is not there the Parlia- ment House, the King's Palace, and the Regent's Bomb * Flue Faker A cant term for Chimney-sweep. ALL IN HIGH GLEE. 411 The Horse-guards, the Cody-guards, and the Black-guards The Black-legs, and the Blue-stockings The Horn- blower, and the Flying Pie-man The Indian Juggler Punch and Judy (imitating the well-known Show-man) The young and the old, the grave and the gay The modest Maid and the willing Cyprian The Theatres The Fives Court and the Court of Chancery The Giants in Guildhall, to be seen by great and small, and, what's more than all, the Coronation tfall Mirth, fun, frolic, and frivolity, To please the folks of quality : For all that can please the eye, the ear, the taste, the touch, the smell, Whether bang-up in life, unfriended or undone, No place has such charms as the gay town of London. Oh, London ! dear London ! &c. The quaint peculiarities of the Singer gave in- describable interest to this song, as he altered his voice to give effect to the various cries of the inha- bitants, and it was kftock'd down with three times three rounds of applause; when Merry well, being named for the next, sung, accompanied with Dashall and Frank Harry, the following GLEE. 'Wine, bring me wine come fill the sparkling glass, Brisk let the bottle circulate ; Name, quickly name each one his fav'rite lajs. Drive from your brows the clouds of fate Fill the sparkling bumper high, Let us drain the bottom dry. Come, thou grape-encircled Boy ! From thy blissful seats above, Crown the present hours with joy, Bring nc wine and bring me love: 412 MAKING A MOVE. Fill the sparkling bumpor hlgli, Let us drain the bottom dry. Bacchus, o'er my yielding liy Spread the produce of thy vine ; Lov, thy arrows gently dip, Temp'ring them with generous wine : Fill the sparkling bumper high, Let us drain the bottom dry." In the mean time, the enemy of life was making rapid strides upon them unheeded, till DASHALL reminded Merrywell of their intended visit to the East ; and that as he expected a large portion of amusement in that quarter, he proposed a move. They were .by this time all well primed ripe for a rumpus bang-up for a lark or spree, any where, any how, or with any body ; they there- fore took leave of their present scene of gaiety. A SLAP AT SLOP. CHAP. XX. " Wand'ring with listless gait and spirits fray. They Eastward next pursued their jocund way ; With story, joke, smart repartee and pun, Their business pleasure, and their object fun." IT was a fine moonlight evening, and upon leav- ing the Globe, they again found themselves in the hurry, bustle, and noise of the world. The glare of the gas-lights, and the rattling of coaches, carts and vehicles of various descriptions, mingled with " The busy hum of men," attracted the attention of their eyes and ears, while the exhilirating juice of the bottle had given a circulation to the blood which enlivened imagination and invigorated fancy. BOB con- ceived himself in Elysium, and Frank Harry was as frisky as a kitten. The first object that ar- rested their progress was the house of Mr. Hone, whose political Parodies, and whose trials on their account, have given him so much celebrity. His window at the moment exhibited his recent sa- tirical publication entitled a SLAP AT SLOP AND THE BRIDGE STREET GANG.* The great wit and humour displayed in this publication have deservedly entitled it to rank high among the jeu tl<.5 just exploded a detonating cracker, and was mak- ing his escape through the crowd. " The next lot, gentlemen, is the Young Man & best Companion, and as your humble Servant is the author, he begs to decline any panegyric modesty forbids it but leaves it entirely with you to appreciate its merits two shillings two and six three shillings three and six four, going for four for you, Sir, at four. " " Me, Sir! Lord bless you, I never opened my mouth ! " " Perfectly aware of that, Sir, it was quite un- necessary I could read your intention in your eye and observed the muscle of the mouth, call'd by anatomists the zygomaticus major, in the act of moving. I should have been dull not to have noticed it and rude not to have saved you the trouble of speaking : Tom, deliver the Gentleman the lot, and take four shillings." " Well Sir, I certainly feel flattered with your acute and polite attention, and can do no less than profit by it so hand up the lot cheap enough, God knows." " And pray," said DASH A LL to his Cousin as they quitted, " what do you intend doing with all your purchases? why it will require a waggon to remove them." " O, I shall send the whole down to Belville Hall : our friends there will be furnished with a rare stock of entertainment during the long winter evenings, and no present I could offer would be half so acceptable." 18. 3 H 426 SEVEN REASONS. ," remarked Mortimer, " you bid away bravely, and frequently in your eagerness advanced on yourself: at some sales you would have paid dearly for this ; but here no advantage was taken, the mistake was explained, and the bidding de- clined in the most -fair and honourable manner. I have often made considerable purchases, and never yet had reason to repent, which is saying much ; for if I inadvertently bid for, and had a lot knocked down to me, which I afterwards disliked, I always found an acquaintance glad to take it off my hands at the cost, and in several instances have sold or exchanged to considerable advantage. One thing I am sorry we overlooked : a paper entitled, " Seven Reasons/ "s generally distri- buted during the Sale, and more cogent reasons I assure you could not be assigned, both for pur- chasing and reading in general, had the seven wise men of Greece drawn them up. You may at any time procure a copy, and it will furnish you with an apology for the manner in which you have spent your time and money, for at least one hour, during your abode in London." Please, Sir, to buy a hcfporth of matches, said a poor, squalid little child without a shoe to ner foot, who was running by the side of BOB it's the ;-ast haporth. Sir, and I must sell them before I ?o home, This address was uttered in so piteous a tone, that it could not well be passed unheeded. " Why," said TALLYHO, " as well as Bibles and STREET IMPOSTORS 427 Schools for all, London seems to have a match for every body." " Forty a penny, Spring-radishes," said a .usty bawling fellow as he passed, in a voice so loud and strong, as to form a complete contrast to the little ragged Petitioner, who held out her handful of matches continuing her solicitations. BOB put his hand in his pocket, and gave her sixpence. " We shall never get on at this rate," said TOM ; " and I find I must again advise you not to believe all you hear and see These little ragged run- abouts are taught by their Parents a species of im- position or deception of which you are not aware, and while perhaps you congratulate yourself with the thought of having done a good act, you are only contributing to the idleness and dissipation of a set of hardened beings, who are laughing at your ciedulity; and I suspect this is a case in point do you see that woman on the opposite side of the way, and the child giving her the money?" " I do," said TALLYHO ; " that, I suppose, is her mother?" " Probably, " continued DAS HALL " now mark what will follow." They stopped a short time, and observed that the Child very soon disposed of her last bunch of matches, as she had termed them, gave the money to the woman, who supplied her in return with another last bunch, to be disposed of in a similar way. ^Og STREET 1MPOSTOHS, " Is it possible?" said BOB. " Not only possible, but you see it is actual ; it is not however the only species of deceit prac- tised with success in London in a similar way ; indeed the trade of match-making has latterly been a good one among those who have been willing to engage in it. Many persons of decent appearance, representing themselves to be tradesmen and me- chanics out of employ, have placed themselves at the corners of our streets, and canvassed the out- skirts of the town, with green bags, carrying matches, which, by telling a pityful tale, they in- duce housekeepers and others, who commiserate their situation, to purchase ; and, in the evening, are able to figure away in silk stockings with the produce of their labours. There is one man, well Known in town, who makes a very good livelihood by bawling in a stentorian voice, " Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, Buy my good matches, come buy 'em of me." He is usually dressed in something like an old military great coat, wears spectacles, and walks with a stick." " And is a match for any body, match him who can," cried Frank Harry ; " But, bless your heart, that's nothing to another set of gentry, who have infested our streets in clean apparel, with a broom in their hands, holding at the same time a hat to receive the contributions of the passengers, whose AVD IMPOSITIONS. 429 benevolent donations are drawn forth without in quiry by the appearance of the applicant/ " It must," said TALLYHO, " arise from the dis tresses of the times." " There may be something in that," said TOM , " but in many instances it has arisen from the de- pravity of the times to work upon the well-known benevolent feelings of John Bull ; for those who ambulate the public streets of this overgrown and still increasing Metropolis and its principle ave- nues, are continually pestered with impudent im- postors, of both sexes, soliciting charity men and women, young and old, who get more by their pretended distresses in one day than many in- dustrious and pains-taking tradesmen or me- chanics do in a week. All the miseries, all the pains of life, with tears that ought to be their honest and invariable signals, can be and are counterfeited limbs, which enjoy the fair pro portion of nature, are distorted, to work upon hu- manity fits are feigned and wounds manufactured rags, and other appearances of the most squalid and abject poverty, are assumed, as the best en- gines of deceit, to procure riches to the idle and debaucheries to the infamous. Real objects of commiseration are undoubtedly to be met with, though rarely to be found. It requires a being hackneyed in the ways of men, or having at least some knowledge of the town, to be able to discri- minate the party deserving of benevolence ; but " A begging they will po will go, And a begging they will go." 430 IMPUDENT BEGGARS The chief cause assigned by some for the innume- rable classes of mendicants that infest our streets, is a sort of innate principle of independence and love of liberty. However, it must be apparent that they do not like to work, and to beg they are not ashamed ; they are, with very few exceptions, lazy and impudent. And then what is collected from the humane but deluded passengers is of course expended at their festivals in Broad Street, St. Giles's, or some other equally elegant and ap- propriate part of the town, to which we shall at an early period pay a visit. Their impudence is intolerable; for, if refused a contribution, they frequently follow up the denial with the vilest execrations. * To make the wretched blest, Private charity is best.'' " The common begger spurns at your laws ; indeed many of their arts are so difficult of detec- tion, that they are enabled to escape the vigilance of the police, and with impunity insult those who do not comply with their wishes, seeming almost to say, " While I am a beggar I will rail, And say there is no sin but to be rich ; And being rich, my virtue then shall be, To say there is no vice but beggary.' " Begging has become so much a sort of trade, that parents have been known to give their daugh- ers or sons the begging of certain streets in the metropolis as marriage portions ; and some years FRAUDS AND DECEPTIONS. 431 ago some scoundrels were in the practice of visit- ing the outshirks ot the town in sailors' dresses, pretending to be dumb, and producing written papers stating that their tongues had been cut out by the Algerines, by which means they excited compassion, and were enabled to live well." " No doubt it is a good trade," said Merrywell, " and I expected we shoud have been made bet- ter acquainted with its real advantages by Capt Barclay, of walking and sporting celebrity, who, it was said, had laid a wager of 1000/. that he would walk from London to Edinburgh in the as- sumed character of a beggar, pay all his expences of-living well on the road, and save out of his gains fifty pounds." " True," said Tom, ' but according to the best account that can be obtained, that report is without foundation. The establishment, however, of the Mendicity Society* is calculated to discover much * The frauds and impositions practised upon- the public are so numerous, that volumes might be filled by detailing the arts that have been and are resorted to by mendicants ; and the records of the Society alluded to would furnish instances that might almost stagger the belief of the most credulous. The life of the infamous Vaux exhibits numerous instances in which he obtained money under genteel professions, by going about with a petition soliciting the aid and assistance of the charitable and humane ; and therefore are continually cheats who go from door to door collecting money for distressed families, or for charitable purposes. It is, However, a subject so abundant, and increasing by every day's observation, that we shall for the pre- sent dismiss it, as there will be other opportunities in the coarse of the work for going more copiously into it. WISE MEN OF THE EAST, on this subject, aud has already brought to light many instances of depravity and deception, well deserving the serious consideration of the public. As they approached the end of the Poultry, " This," said DASHALL," is the heart of the first commercial city in the known world. On the right is the Mansion House, the residence of the Lord Mayor for the time being." The moon had by this time almost withdrawn her cheering beams, and there was every appear- ance, from the gathering clouds, of a shower of rain. < " It is rather a heavy looking building, from what I can see at present,'* replied TALLYHO. " Egad!" said TOM, " the appearance of every thing at this moment is gloomy, let us cross." With this, they crossed the road to Debatt's the Pastry Cook's Shop. " Zounds ?" said TOM, casting his eye upon the clock, " it is after ten ; I begin to suspect we must alter our course, and defer a view of. the east to a more favourable opportunity, and particularly as we are likely to have an accompaniment of water." " Never mind," said Merrywell, " we can very soon be in very comfortable quarters ; besides, a rattler is always to be had, or a comfortable lodg- ing to be procured with an obliging bed-fellow don't you begin to croak before there is any occa- sion for it what has time to do with us ? " * Aye aye," said Frank Harry, " don't be after WOOLPACK, CORNHILL. 433 damping us before we get wet; this is the land of plenty, and there is no fear of being lost come along." " On the opposite side," said TOM, addressing his Cousin, " is the Bank of England ; it is a building of large extent and immense business; you can now only discern its exterior by the light of the lamps ; it is however a place to which we must pay a visit, and take a complete survey upon some future occasion. In the front is the Royal Exchange, the daily resort of the Merchants and Traders of the Metropolis, to transact their various business." " Come," said Merrywell, " I find we are aw upon the right scent Frank Harry has promised to introduce us to a house of well-known resort in this neighbourhood we will shelter ourselves under the staple commodity of the country for the Woolsack and the Woolpack, I apprehend, are synonimous." " Well thought of, indeed," said DASHALL ; " it is a house where you may at all times be certain of good accommodation and respectable society besides, I have some acquaintance there of long standing, and may probably meet with them ; so have with you, my boys. The Woolpack in Corn- hill," continued he, addressing himself more par- ticularly to TALLYHO, " is a house that has been long established, and deservedly celebrated for its general accommodations, partaking as it does of the triple qualifications of tavern, chop-house, 3 i. 434 A ROYAL VISITOR, and public-house. Below stairs is a commodious room for smoking parties, and is the constant resort of foreigners,* who are particularly partial * There is an anecdote related, which strongly induces a belief that Christian vn. while in London, visited this house in company with his dissipated companion, Count Holcke, which, as it led to the dismissal of Holcke, and the promotion of the afterwards unfortunate Struensee, and is perhaps not very generally known, we shall give here. One day while in London, Count Holcke and Christian vn. went to a weil-known public-house not far from the Bank, which was much frequented by Dutch and Swedish Captains : Here they listened to the conversation of the company, which, as might be expected, was full of expressions of admiration and astonishment at the splendid festivities daily given in honour of Christian vir. Count Holcke, who spoke German in its purity, asked an old Captain what he thought of his King, and if he were not proud of the honours paid to him by the English ?" I think (said the old man dryly) that with such counsellors as Count Holcke, if he escapes destruction it will be a miracle."' Do you know Count Holcke, my friend, (said the disguised courtier) as you speak of him thus familiarly ?'" Only by report (replied the Dane) ; but everr person in Copenhagen pities the young Queen, attributing the coolness which the King shewed towards her, ere he set out on his voyage, to the malicious advice of Holcke." The confusion of this minion may be easier conceived than described; whilst the King, giving the Skipper a handful of ducats, bade him tpeak ihe truth and shame the devil. As soon, however, as the King spoke in Danish, the Skipper knew him, and looking at him with love and reverence, said in a low, subdued tone of voice" Forgive me, Sire, but I cannot forbear my tears tc sec you exposed to the temptations of this extensive and wicked Metropolis, under the pilotage of the most dissolute nobleman of Denmark." Upon which he retired, bowing profoundly to his Sovereign, and casting at Count Holcke a look full of defiance AND COURTIER REPROVED. 43$ to the brown stout, which they can obtain there in higher perfection than in any other house in Lon- don. Brokers and others, whose business calls them to the Royal Exchange, are also pretty constant visitors, to meet captains and traders dispose of different articles of merchandise engage ship- ping and bind bargains it is a sort of under Exchange, where business and refreshment go hand in hand with the news of the day, and the clamour of the moment ; beside which, the respec- table tradesmen of the neighbourhood meet in an evening to drive dull care away, and converse on promiscuous subjects ; it is generally a mixed company, but, being intimately connected with our object of seeing Real Life in London, deserves a visit. On the first floor is a good room for dining, where sometimes eighty persons in a day are provided with that necessary meal in a genteel style, and at a moderate price besides other rooms for private parties. Above these is perhaps one of the handsomest rooms in London, and reproach. Holcke's embarrassment was considerably in- creased by this, and he was visibly hurt, seeing the King in a manner countenanced the rudeness of the Skipper. This King, who it should seem determined to see Real Life in London, mingled in all societies, participating in their gaieties and follies, and by practices alike injurious to body and soul, abandoned himself to destructive habits, whose rapid progress within a couple of years left nothing but a shattered and debilitated hulk afflicted in the morning of life with all the imbecility ot body and muiu incidental to extreme o'.U i&. 436 L0 ST IN A CLOCD. of its size, capable of dining from eighty to a hundred persons. But you will now partake of its accommodations, and mingle with some of its company." By this time they had passed the Royal Ex- change, and TOM was enlarging upon the new erections lately completed ; when all at once, "Hallo," said BOB, "what in become of our party T " All right," replied his Cousin ; " they have given us the slip without slipping from us I know their movements to a moment, we shall very soon be with them this way this way," said he, draw- ing BOB into the narrow passage which leads to the back of St. Peter's Church, Cornhill " this is *he track we must follow." TALLYHO followed in silence till they entered the house, and were greeted by the Landlord at the bar with a bow of welcome ; passing quickly to the right, they were saluted with immoderate volumes of smoke, conveying to their olfactory nerves the refreshing fumes of tobacco, and almost taking from them the power of sight, except to observe a bright flame burning in the middle of the room. TOM darted forward, and knowing his way well, was quickly seated by the side of Merry well, Mor- timer, and Harry; while TALLYHO was seen by those who were invisible to him, groping his way in tne same direction, amidst the laughter of the company, occasionally interlaced with scraps which caught his ear from a gentleman who was CONFUSION OF TONGUES. 437 at the moment reading some of the comments from the columns of the Courier, in which he made fre- quent pauses and observations. " Why, you can't see yourself for smoke,** said one ; " D n it how hard you tread," said another. And then a line from the Reader came as follows " The worthy Alderman fought his battles o'eragain Ha, ha, ha Who comes here ? upon my word, Sir, I thought you had lost your way, and tumbled in- to the Woolpack instead of the Skin-market. ' It is a friend of mine, Sir.' That's a good joke, upon my soul ; not arrived yet, why St. Martin's bells have been ringing all day ; perhaps he is only half- seas over Don't tell me, I know better than that D n that paper, it ought to be burnt by The fish are all poison'd by the Gas-light Company Six weeks imprisonment for stealing two dogs ! Hides and bark How's sugars to-day? Stocks down indeed Yes, Sir, and bread up Presto, be gone What d'ye think of that now, eh ? Gam- mon, nothing but gammon On table at four o'clock ready dressed and Well done, my boy, that's prime." These sentences were uttered from different parts of the room in almost as great a variety of voices as there must have been subjects of conver- sation ; but as they fell upon the ear of TALLYHO without connection, he almost fancied himself transported to the tower of Babel amidst the con- fusion of tongues. " Beg pardon," said TALLYHO, who by this time 438 READING MADE EAST. had gained a seat by his Cousin, and was gasping like a turtle for air " I am not used to this tra- velling in the dark ; but I shall be able to see pre- sently." " See," said Frank Harry, " who the devil wants to see more than their friends around them ? and here we are at home to a peg" " I shall have finished in two minutes, Gentle- men," said the Reader,* cocking up a red nose, that shone with resplendent lustre between his spectacles, and then continuing to read on, only listened to by a few of those around him, while a sort of general buz of conversation was indistinctly heard from all quarters. They were quickly supplied with grog and segars, and BOB, finding himself a little better able to make use of his eyes, was throwing his glances to every part of the room, in order to take a view of the company : and while TOM was congratulated by those who knew him at the Round Table * To those who are in the habit of visiting this room in an evening, the character alluded to here will immediately be fami- liar. He is a gentleman well known in the neighbourhood as an Auctioner, and he has a peculiar manner of reading with strong emphasis certain passages, at the end of which he makes long pauses, laughs with inward satisfaction, and not unfre- quently infuses a degree of pleasantry in others. The Courier is his favourite paper, and if drawn into an argument, he is not to be easily subdued. " At ""guing too each person own'd his skill, For e'en tho' vanquished, he can argue still." SMOKING AND DRINKING. 439 Merrywell and Harry were in close conversation with Mortimer. At a distant part of the room, one could perceive boxes containing small parties of convivials, smok- ing and drinking, every one seeming to have some business of importance to claim occasional atten- tion, or engaged in, " The loud laugh that speaks the vacant mind." In one corner was a stout swarthy-looking man, with large whiskers and of ferocious appearance, amusing those around him with conjuring tricks, to their great satisfaction and delight ; nearly opposite the Reader of the Courier, sat an elderly Gentleman * with grey hair, who heard what was passing, but said nothing ; he however puffed away large quantities of smoke at every pause of the Reader, and occasionally grinn'd at the contents of the paper, from which TALLYHO readily conclud- ed that he was in direct political opposition to its sentiments. The acquisition of new company was not lost upon to those who were seated at the ROUND TABLE * This gentleman, who is also well known in the room, where he generally smokes his pipe of an evening, is plain and blunt, but affable and communicative in his manners bold in his asser- tions, and has proved himself courageous in defending them asthmatic, and by some termed phlegmatic ; but an intelligent and agreeable companion, unless thwarted in his argument a stanch friend to the late Queen and the constitution of his country, with a desire to have the Constitution, the ahole Consti- tution, and nothing but the Constitution. 440 KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE. aud it was not long before theHon TOM DA SHALL was. informed that they hoped to have the honour of his Cousin's name as a member ; nor were they backward in conveying a similar hint to Frank Harry, who immediately proposed his two friends, Mortimer and Merry well ; an example which was followed by Tom's proposing his Cousin. Such respectable introductions could not fail to meet the approbation of the Gentlemen present, consequently they were unanimously elected Knights of the Round Table, which was almost as quickly supplied by the Waiter with a capacious bowl of punch, and the healths of the new-made Members drank with three times three ; when their attention was suddenly drawn to a distant part of the room, where a sprightly Stripling, who was seated by the swarthy Conjuror before mentioned, was singing the following Song : THE JOYS OF A MILL, OR A TODDLE TO A FIGHT. " Nows the time for milling, boys, since all the world's agog for it, Away to Copthorne, Monkey Hurst, or Shepperlon they go ; Or grave or gay, they post away, nay pawn their very togs for it, And determined to be up to all, go down to see the show : Giddy pated, hearts elated, cash and courage all to view it, Ev'ry one to learn a bit, and tell his neighbours how to do it ; E'en little Sprites in lily whites, axe fibbing it and ruthtng it, Your dashing Swells from Bagnigge Wells, are flooring it and flushing it : Oh^! *tia a sight so gay and so uproarious, That all the world is up in arms, and ready for a fight THE JOYS OF MILLING. 44* The roads are so clogg'd, that they beggar all Description now, With lads and lasses, prira'd and grogg'd for bang-up fun and glee; Here's carts and gigs, and knowing prigs all ready to kick up a row, And ev'ry one is anxious to obtain a place to see ; Here's a noted sprig of life, who sports his tils and charmer too, And there is Cribb and Gully, Belcher, Oliver, and Harmer too, With Shellon, Billon, Turner, Sales, and all the lads to go it well, Who now and then, to please the Fancy, make opponents know it well: Oh 1 'tis a sight, &c. But now the fight's begun, and the Combatants are setting to, Silence is aloud proclaim'd by voices base and shrill; Facing, stopping -Jibbing, dropping claret tapping belting too- Reeling, rapping physic napping, all to grace the mill ; Losing, winning horse-laugh, grinning mind you do not glance awry, Or somebody may mill your mug, and pop your nob in Chancery ; For nobs and bobs, and empty fobs, the like no tongue could ever tell- See, here's the heavy-handed Gas, and there's the mighty Non- pareil ; Oh ! tis a sight, &c. Thus milling is the fashion grown, and ev'ry one a closer is ; With lessons from the lads afjist to turn out quite the thing; True science may be learn'd where'er the fam'd Mcndcza is, And gallantry and bottom too from Scroggins, Martin, Spring ; For sparring now is all the rage in town, and country places too, And cottar-bones and claret-mugs are often seen at races too; While counter-hits, and give and take, as long as strength can hold her seat, Afford the best amusement in a bit of pugilistic treat: i Oh ! 'tis a sight, &c. 8X 442 A BIT OF THE FANCY. While this song was singing, universal silence prevailed, but an uproar of approbation followed, which lasted for some minutes, with a general call of encore, which however soon subsided, and the company was again restored to their former state of conversation ; each party appearing dis- tinct, indulged in such observations and remarks as were most suitable or agreeable to themselves. BOB was highly pleased with this description of a milling match ; and as the Singer was sitting near the person who had excited a considerable portion of his attention at intervals in watching his tricks, in some of which great ingenuity was displayed, he asked his Cousin if he knew him. " Know him," replied TOM, " to be sure I do ; that is no other than 2$itton, a well-known pugilist, who frequently exhibits at the Fives-Court ; he is a Jew, and employs his time in giving lessons." " Zounds ! " said Mortimer, " he seems to have studied the art of Legerdemain as well as the science of Milling." " He is an old customer here," said a little Gen- tleman at the opposite side of the table, drawing from his pocket a box of segars* " Now, Sir," * This gentleman, whose dress and appearance indicate some- thing of the Dandy, is a resident in Mark Lane, and usually spends his evening at the Round Table, where he appears to pride himself upon producing the finest segars that can be procured, ind generally affords some of his friends an opportunity of proving them deserving the recommendations with which he never fails to present them. NOSES AND NOSEGAYS. 413 continued he, " if you wish for a treat,* 1 address- ing himself to Tallyho, " allow me to select you one there, Sir, is a segar like a nosegay I had it from a friend of mine who only arrived yester- day you don't often meet with such, I assure you." BOB accepted the offer, and was in the act of lighting it, when Bitton approached toward their end of the room with some cards in. his hand, from which BOB began to anticipate he would shew some tricks upon them. As soon as he came near the table, he had his eye upon the Hon. TOM DASHALL, to whom he introduced himself by the presentation of a card, which announced his benefit for the next week at the Fives-Court, when all the prime lads of the ring had promised to exhibit. "Egad!" said DASHALL, "it will be an excel- lent opportunity what, will you take a trip that way and see the mighty men of fist ?" " With all my heart," said TALLYHO. " And mine too," exclaimed Mortimer. It was therefore quickly determined, and each of the party being supplied with a ticket, Bitton canvassed the room for other customers, after which he again retired to his seat. " Come," said a smartly dressed Gentleman in a white hat, " we have heard a song from the other end of the room, I hope we shall be able to muster one here." This proposition was received with applause, 444 A BUMPKIN IN TOWN. and, upon TOM'S giving a hint, Frank Harry was called upon the glasses were filled, a toast was given, and the bowl was dispatched for a replenish ; he then sung the following Song, accompanied with voice, manner, and action, well calculated to rivet attention and obtain applause : PIGGISH PROPENSITIES, or THE BUMPKIN IN TOWN. " A Bumpkin to London one morning in Spring, Hey derry, ho deny, fal de ral la, Took a fat pig to market, his leg in a string, Hey deny, ho derry, fal de ral la ; The clown drove him forward, while piggy, good lack ! Lik'd his old home so well, he still tried to run back (Spoken) Coome, coome (said the Bumpkin to himself,) Lunnun is the grand mart for every thing ; there they have their Auction Marts, their Coffee Marts, and their Linen Marts : and as they are fond of a tid-bit of coun- try pork, I see no reason why they should not have a Pork and Bacon Mart so get on (pig grunts,) I am glad to hear you have a voice on the subject, though it seems not quite in tune with my Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la. It chanc'd on the road they'd a dreadful disaster, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la ; The grunter ran back 'twixt the legs of his master, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la; The Bumpkin he came to the ground in a crack, And the pig, getting loose, he ran all the way back ! (Spoken) Hallo, (said the clown, scrambling up again, and scratching his broken head,) to be sure I have heard of sleight-of-hand, hocus-pocus and sich like; but by gum this here be a new manoeuvre called sleight PIGGISH PROPENSITIES. 415 of legs; however as no bonnes be broken between us. I'll endeavour to make use on 'em once more in follow- ing the game in view : so here goes, witli a Hey derry, ho derry, &c. He set off again with his pig in a rope, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la, Reacfi'd London, and now for good sale 'gan / Vope, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la ; But the pig, being beat 'till his bones were quite sore, Turning restive, rush'd in at a brandy-shop door. (Spoken) The genteeler and politer part of the world might feel a little inclined to call this piggish beha- viour ; but certainly after a long and fatiguing journey, nothing can be more refreshing than a drop of the cratur ; and deeming this the regular mart for the good stuff, in he bolts, leaving his master to sing as long as he pleased .2. Hey derry, ho derry, &c. Here three snuffy Tabbies lie put to the rout, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la, With three drams to the quartern, that moment serv'd out, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la; The pig gave a grunt, and the clown gave a roar, When the whole of the party lay flat on the floor ! (Spoken") Yes, there they lay all of a lump ; and a pre- cious group there was of them : The old women, well prim'd with snnjf and twopenny, and bang-up with gin and bitters the fair ones squalled ; the clown growled like a bear with a broken head ; the landlord, seeing all that could be seen as they roll'd over each other, stared like a stuck pig ! while this grand chorus of sort and sweet voices from the swinish multitude was accom- panied by the prg with his usual grunt, and a Hey derry, ho deny, Ac. 446 THE LADIES' DECISION. The pig soon arose, and the door open 3w, Hey derry, ho deny, fal de ral la, When this scrambling group was expos d to my view, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la; He set off again, without waiting for Jack, And, not liking London, ran all the way back ! (Spoken) The devil take the pig ! (said the Bumpkin) he is more trouble than enough. " The devil take you (said Miss Sukey Snuffle) for you are the greatest hog of the two ; I dare say, if the truth was known, you are brothers." ' I declare I never was so exposed in all my life (said Miss Delia Doldrum.) There's my beau- tiful bloom petticoat, that never was rumpled before in all my life I'm quite shock'd !' " Never mind, (said the landlord) nobody cares about it ; tho* I confess it was a shocking affair." ' I wish he and his pigs were in the horse-pond (continued she, endeavouring to hide her blushes with her hand) Oh my oh my !' " What ?" said Boniface) ' Oh, my elbow ! (squall'd out Miss Emilia Mumble) I am sure I shall never get over it' " Oh yes you will (continued he) rise again, cheer your spirits with another drop of old Tom, and you'll soon be able to sing Hey derry, ho derry, &c. By mutual consent the old women all swore, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la, That the clown was a brute, and his pig was a boar, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la He paid for their liquor, but grumbled, good lack, Without money or pig to gang all the way back. (Sfokcn) By gum (said he to himself, as he turn'd from the door) if the Lunneners likes country pork, country pork doant seem to like they ; and if this be the suc- cess I'm to expect in this mighty great town in search * of the Grand Mart, I'll come no more, for I thinks JOYS OF THE BOWL. 447 A3 how its all a hoax; ; therefore I'll make myself con- tented to scl at home in my own chimney corner in the country, and sing Hey deny, ho deny, &c. This song had attracted the attention of almost every one in the room ; there was a spirit and vivacity in the singer, combined with a power of abruptly changing his voice, to give effect to the different passages, and a knowledge of music as well as of character, which gave it an irresistible charm ; and the company, who had assembled round him, at the close signified their approbation by a universal shout of.applause. All went on well^songs, toasts and sentiments punch, puns and witticisms, were handed about in abundance ; in the mean time, the room began to wear an appearance of thinness, many of the boxes were completely deserted, and i\\e^Knights of the Round Table were no longer surrounded by their Esquires still the joys of the bowl were ex- hilirating, and the conversation agreeable, though at times a little more in a strain of vociferation than had been manifested at the entrance of our party. It was no time to ask questions as to the names and occupations of the persons by whom he was surrounded ; and BOB. plainly perceiving Frank Harry was getting into Queer Street, very prudently declined all interrogatories for the pre- sent, making, however, a determination within himself to know more of the house and the company. 448 CLIPPING THE KING'S ENGLISH. Mortimer also discovered symptoms of lush- logic, for though he had an inclination to keep up the chaff, his dictionary appeared to be new mo- delled, and his lingo abridged by repeated clips at his mother tongue, by which he afforded consi- derable food for laughter. Perceiving this, TALLYHO thought it prudent to give his Cousin a hint, which was immediately taken, and the party broke up. JOLLY BOYS. 449 CHAP. XXL u O there are swilling wights in London tow* Term'd jolly dogs choice spiritt alias swine, Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down, Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine. These spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus OUJTJL , Dosing with head-aches till the afternoon, Lose half men's regular estate of Sun, By borrowing too largely of the Moon : And being Bacchi plcmu--(uil of wine- Although they have a tolerable notion Of aiming at progressive motion, 'Tis not direct, 'tis rather serpentine." UPON leaving the house, it was quickly discovered that Mortimer was at sea without a rudder or com- pass, but was still enabled to preserve the true line of beauty, which is said to be in a flowing curve ; Merry well was magnanimous, Frank Harry moppy, and all of them rather muggy. Harry was going Eastward, and the remainder of the party West- ward ; it was half-past one in the morning the weather had cleared up as their brains had been gettingfoggy. Tom proposed a rattler. Frank Harry swore by the Bacchanalian divini- ty they might ride in the rumble-tumble if they lik- ed, but none of it for him, and began to stammer out 4-50 A MISTAKEN COURSE. How sweet in the wood-lands Wi ith fl eet honnd and horn To awaken shrill (hiccup) echo, And taste the (hiccup) fresh morn. During this time, having turned to the right on leaving the Woolpack, instead of the left, they were pursuing their way down Gracechurch Street, in a line with London Bridge, without discovering their mistake ; nor were they aware of the situation they were in till they reached the Monument. " Zounds !" said Tom, " we are all wrong here." " All right," said Merry well " all right, my boys go it, my kidwkys" BOB hearing his Cousin's exclamation, began to make enquiries. " Never mind," said TOM, " we shall get housed presently I have it I know the shop it is but seldom I get out of the way, so come along I dare say we shall see some more fun yet." Saying this, he led the way down Thames street and in a short time introduced them to the cele- brated house in Dark-House Lane, kept open at all hours of the night for the accommodation of persons coming to market, and going off by the Gravesend boats and packets early in the morn- ing. On entering this house of nocturnal conve- nience, a wide field for observation was imme- diately opened to the mind of DASHALL : he was no novice to the varieties of character generally DARK-HOUSE LANE. 451 to be found within its walls ; and he anticipated an opportunity of imparting considerable informa- tion to his Cousin, though somewhat clogg'd by his companions ; being known however at the bar, he found no difficulty in providing them with beds : which being accomplished, " Now," said TOM, " for a new scene in REAL LIFE. Here we are situated at Billingsgate, on the banks of the Thames ; in another hour it will be all alive we will refresh ourselves with coffee, and then look around us ; but while it is prepar- ing, we will take a survey of the interior button up tie a silk handkerchief round your neck, and we may perhaps escape suspicion of being mere lookers on ; by which means we shall be enabled to mingle with the customers in the tap-room, and no doubt you will see some rum ones''' They now entered the tap or general room, which exhibited an appearance beyond the powers of description. In one corner lay a Sailor fast asleep, having taken so much la on board as to prevent the possibility of any longer attending to the log, but with due precaution resting his head on a bundle which he intended to take on board his ship with him in the morning, and apparently well guarded by a female on each side; in another was a weather-beaten Fisherman in a Guernsey frock and a thick woollen night-cap, who, having just arrived with a cargo of fish, was wiling away time till the commencement of the "market with a pipe and a 452 DARK-HOUSE LANE. pint, by whose side was seated a large Newfound- laud dog, whose gravity of countenance formed an excellent contrast witlv that of a man who was entertaining the Fisherman with a history of his adventures through the day, and who in return was allowed to participate in the repeatedly filled pint a Waterman in his coat and badge ready for a customer and two women, each having a shallow basket for the purpose of supplying them- selves with fish at the first market for the next day's sale. ' Going to Gravesend, Gentlemen?' enquired the Waterman, as TOM and BOB took their seats near him. " No," was the reply. " Beg pardon, Sir ; thought as how you was going down, and mought want a boat, that's all ; hope no offence." ' I vas down at the Frying Pan in Brick Lane yesterday, (said the communicative adventurer ;) Snivelling Bill and Carrotty Poll was there in rum order you know Carrotty Polll so Poll, (Good health to you) you knows how gallows lushy she gets veil, as I vas saying, she had had a good day vith her fish, and bang she comes back to Bill you knows she's rather nutty upon Bill, and according to my thinking they manages things pretty veil together, only you see as how she is too many for him : so, vhen she comes back, b t me if Bill vasn't a playing at skittles, and hadn't sold a dab all day ; howsomdever he was a vinning A BREEZE SPRUNG UP. 453 the lush, so you know Bill didn't carebut, my eyes ! how she did blow him up vhen she com'd in and see'd him just a going to bowl and tip, she tipp'd him a vollopper right across the snout vhat made the skittles dance again, and bang goes the bowl at her sconce instead of the skittles : it vas lucky for her it did not hit her, for if it had, I'll be d d if ever she'd a cried Buy my live flounders any morehe vas at play vith Sam Stripe the tailor ; so the flea-catcher he jumps in between 'em, and being a piece-botcher, he thought he could be peace-maker y but it voudrit do, tho' he jump'd about like a pare/id pea in a frying-pan Poll called him Stitch louse, bid him pick up his needles and be off Bill vanted to get at Poll, Poll vanted to get at Bill and between them the poor Tailor got more stripes upon his jacket than there is colours in a harlequin's breeches at Bartlemy Fair- Here's good health to you it was a bodkin to a but of brandy poor Snip didn't skip out of this here vorld into that 'are.' " And how did they settle it ?" enquired the Fisherman. ' HI tell you all about it : I never see d such a b dy lark in all my life; poor Sam is at all times as thin as a thread-paper, and being but the ninth part of a man, he stood no chance between a man and a voman Bill vas bleeding at the honk like a half-killed hog, and Carrotty Moll, full of fire and fury, vas defending herself vith her fish basket l?f'% vas a snivelling, Poll a swearing 454 BUSINESS DONE IN A CRACK and the poor Tailor in a funk thinks I to myself, this here vont never do so up I goes to Poll Poll, says I * To the devil I pitch you,' says sheonly you know. I knows Poll veil enough she tried to sneak it over me, but she found as how I know'd better Poll, says I, hold your luff give us no more patter about this here rum rig I'll give cost price for the fish, and you shall have the money; and whi^ I was bargaining with her, d n me if Bill and the Tailor vasn't a milling avay in good style, till Stripe's wife comes in, gives Snivelling Billy a cross-buttock and bolted off vith her fancy, like as the song says, The devil took the tailor " Vith the broad cloth under his arm." I never laugh'd so in all my life; I thought I should ' At this moment a nod from the Landlord in- formed TOM his coffee was ready, when they were ushered into the parlour. BOB, who had during the conversation in the other room, (which had occasionally been inter- rupted by the snores of the sleepy Sailor, the giggling of the Girls who appeared to have him in charge, and a growl from the dog,) been particularly attentive to the narration of this adventure, re- marked that there was a peculiarity of dialect in- troduced, which, to a person coming out of the country, would have been wholly unintelligible. " Yes," replied TOM, " almost every trade and every calling of which the numerous inhabitants BILLINGSGATE. 455 of tiiis overgrown town is composed, has a lan- guage of its own, differing as widely from each other as those of provincials. Nor is this less observable in high life, where every one seems at times to aim at rendering himself conspicuous for some extraor- dinary mode of expression. But come, I perceive the morning is shedding its rays upon us, and we shall be able to take a survey of the more general visitors to this place of extensive utility and resort already you may hear the rumbling of carts in Thames Street, and the shrill voice of the Fish- wives, who are preparing for a day's work, which they will nearly finjsh before two-thirds of the po- pulation leave their pillows. This market, which is principally supplied by fishing smacks and boats coming from the sea up the river Thames, and partly by land carriage from every distance within the limits of England, and part of Wales, is open every morning at day-light, and supplies the re- tailers for some miles round the Metropolis. The regular shop-keepers come here in carts, to pur- chase of what is called the Fish Salesman, who stands as it were between the Fisherman who brings his cargo to market and the Retailer ; but there are innumerable haw~kers of fish through the streets, who come and purchase for themselves at first hand, particularly of mackarel, herrings, sprats, lobsters, shrimps, flounders, soles, &c. and also of cod and salmon when in season, and at a moderate rate, composing an heterogeneous group of per- 456 COCKNEYISM. sons and characters, not easily to be met with elsewhere." " Then," said BOB, " there is a certainty of high and exalted entertainment ; I should suppose the supply of fish is very considerable." " The quantity of fish consumed," replied TOM, " in London is comparatively small, fish being ex- cessively dear in general : and this is perhaps the most culpable defect in the supply of the capital, considering that the rivers of Great Britain and the seas round her coast teem with that food. There are on an average about 2500 cargoes of fish, of 40 tons each, brought to Billingsgate, and about 20,000 tons by land carriage, making a total of about 120,000 tons ; and the street venders form a sample of low life in all its situations. " In such indexes, although small To their subsequent volumes, there is seen The baby figure of the giant mass Of things to'come at large." And the language you have already heard forms a part of what may be termed Cockneyism." " Cockneyism," said BOB, with an inquisitive- ness in his countenance. " Yes," continued TOM, " Cockney is univer- sally known to be the contemptuous appellation given to an uneducated native of London, brought into life within the. sound of Bow bell pert and conceited, yet truly ignorant, they generally dis- cover themselves by their mode of speech, not REFINEMENTS IN LANGUAGE. 457 withstanding they have frequent opportunities of Hearing the best language ; the cause, I apprehend, _s a carelessness of every thing but the accumulation of money, which is considered so important with them that they seem at all times to be in eager pursuit of it. " O Plutus, god of gold ! thine aid impart, Teach me to catch the money-catching art ; Or, sly Mercurius ! pilfering god of old, Thy lesser mysteries at least unfold." You will hear these gentry frequently deliver them- selves in something like the following manner : " My eyes, Jim, vat slippy valking 'tis this here morning I should are felVd right down if so be as how I adnt cotcfid ould of a postis-^-vere does you thinks I ave been ? vy all the vay to Popping Vail, an a top o Tower Hill I seed a voman pil- lar d such scrouging and squeeging, and peltin vith heggs ow funny ! " A female Fruit-seller will say to a Lady Oyster- dealer Law, my dear Mrs. Melton, how ar you this cowld morning, Mem 9 the streets vil be nice and dirty vel, for my part, / always likes dry vether do your nsband vork at Foxall still ? > I likes to warm my cowld nose vith a pinch of your snuff ow wery obliging But come, I hear the bus- tle of Billingsgate, and you shall have a peep at the .^eople. By this time they are all alive." BOB laughed at his Cousin's specimens of cockney anguage, and they sallied forth, to make further observations. \\ M 458 REAL LIFE It was now a fine morning, the Sun shone with resplendent lustre upon all around them, and danced in playful dimples on the sportive Thames ; there was however but little opportunity at the moment for them to contemplate subjects of this sort, their eyes and ears being wholly attracted by the passing and repassing of the persons desirous to sell or supply themselves with fish ; Thames Street was almost blocked up with carts, and the hallooing and bawling of the different drivers, loading or unloading, formed an occasional symphony to the continual hum of those who were moving in all directions to and from the market. " By yer leaf" said a sturdy built fellow, sweat- ing under a load of fish which appeared to press him almost down " what the devil do you stand in the way for ?" BOB, in stepping on one side to make room for this man to pass, unfortunately trod upon the toe of an Hibernian lady, who was bearing away a large basket of shrimps alive, and at the same time gave her ann so forcible a jerk with his elbow, as disengaged her hand from the load; by which means the whole cargo was overturned smack into the bosom of a smartly dressed youth in white ducks, who was conducting some Ladies on board one of the Gravesend boats. The con- fusion that followed is scarcely to be conceived the agitation of TALLYHO at hearing the vociferated lamentations of the Irish woman the spluttering of the disconcerted Dandy the declaration of the. AT BILLINGSGATE. 4!) 9 owner of the shrimps, " that so help her God he should pay for her property" the loud laughter of those around them, who appeared to enjoy the em- barrassment of the whole party and the shrimps hopping and jumping about amid the dirt and slush of the pavement, while the Ladies were hunting those which had fallen into the bosom of their con ductor formed a scene altogether, which, in spite of the confusion of his Cousin, almost convulsed the Hon. TOM DASH ALL with laughter, and which served, but to increase the rancour of the owner of the shrimps, and the poor toe-suffering Irishwoman, the execrations of the Dandy Gentleman and his Ladies, and the miseries of poor BOB ; to escape from which, he gave the Hibernian and her employer enough to purchase plaster for the one, and a fresh cargo for the other, and seizing TOM by the arm, dragged him away from the scene of his misfortunes in fishery. Their progress however was presently impeded by a sudden scream, which appeared to come from a female, and drew together almost all the people on the spot, it seemed as if it had been a preconcerted signal for a general muster, and it was quickly ascertained that fisty-cuffs were the order of the day, by the vociferations of the spectators, and the loud acclamations of " Go if, Poll -pitch it into her mill her snitchcr veil done, Sail all pluck game to the back-bone peppermint her vpjtcr- story, and grapple her knowledge-box D n mi, eyes, but that vas a good one, it has altered her 4GO THE FEMALE FANCY. weather-cock and shifted her wind There's your dairies stand out of the way Upon my sole you have overturned all my flounders D n you and your dabbs too." TOM and BOB took up a favourable position for observation at the corner of a fish-stall, where they could quietly witness the combatants, and taue a general survey of the proceedings. " Now," said TOM, " here is a lark for you, a female fight." " Fine salmon, or cod, Gentlemen," said an elderly woman " I wish I could tempt you to be customers." " Well," said BOB, " they are at it in good earnest." " O yes," said the woman, " we always have it in real earnest, no sham I wish Poll may sarve her out, for Sail is a d d saucy b h at all times." " And what have they quarrelled about ?" in- quired DASHALL. " Jealousy, Sir, nothing else ; that there man in the night-cap, with the red ruff round his neck, is Sail's fancy man, and he sometimes lets her have a cargo of fish for services done and per- formed, you understand and so Sail she comes down this morning, and she finds Poll having a phililoo with him, that's all ; but I wish they would go and have it out somewhere else, for it spoils all business Nance, go and get us a quartern of Jacky, that I may ax these Gentlemen to drink, TRUE POLITENESS. 46 for its a cold morning, and perhaps they are not usea to be up so early." TOM saw the drift of this in a moment, and tak- ing the hint, supplied the needful to Nance, who was dispatched for the heart-cheering beverage, which they could perceive was in high reputation by those around them. The effluvia of the fish the fumes of tobacco, and the reviving scent of the gin-bottle, rendered their olfactory salutations truly delightful. Nor could they escape the Fish-wife without becoming participators in the half pint of blue rum. " Come," said TOM, " we will now stroll a little further, and take a survey of the street ; but first we will give a look here. " This," said he, " is the Custom House, a splen- did building recently erected, in consequence of tire old one being demolished by fire in 1814." " It is, indeed," replied BOB, admiring the south front, which is executed in Portland stone. " Do you observe," continued TOM, " the cen- tral compartment, which comprises what is called the Long Room, and which we will visit presently, is quite plain, except the attic, which is elegantly ornamented? that alto-relievo contains allego- rical representations of the arts and sciences, as connected with and promoting the commerce and industry of the nation that to the west, a repre- sentation of the costume and character of the va- nous nations with whom we hold intercourse in our commercial relations in the centre, under 462 THE CUSTOM HOUSE. the large massive dial-plate, are inscribed in large bronze letters the names of the founders and the date of its erection the figures which support the dial in a recumbent position are emblematical of industry and plenty that bold projection ftin the centre, gives a suitable character to the King's warehouse, and forms an appropriate support to the imperial arms upheld by the attributes of Ocean and Commerce." BOB gazed with admiration and delight on this truly admirable and extensive pile of national archi- tecture ; the gentle breeze from the river, the occa- sional dash of the oar, and the activity which ap- peared on board the different vessels ; together with the view of London Bridge on one side, over which he could perceive pedestrians and vehicles of various kinds passing and repassing, and the Tower on the other, conspired to heighten and give a most impos- ing effect to the scene. " The designs," said TALLYHO, " are truly cre- ditable to the taste and science of the architect. " And this Quay in front, is intended to be en- larged by filling up a part of the river; besides which, a new wall and quay are to be formed from the Tower to Billingsgate, and numerous other im- provements are projected in the contiguous streets and lanes." " Not before it is necessary," was the reply. " It would be impossible," continued DASHALL, " to visit all the apartments this building contains ; we will however have a look at the Long Room, LONG ROOM, ETC . 463 and as we proceed I will endeavour to giro you some further information. We are now entering the East wirg, which is a counterpart of that on the West, having like this a grand stair-case with a double flight of steps, which conduct to a lobby at each end of the long room, lighted by these vertical lantern-lights, the ceilings being perforated in square compart- ments, and glazed. These lobbies serve to check the great draughts of air which would otherwise flow through the room if it opened directly from the stair- case." They now entered the Long Room, the impos- ing appearance of which had its due effect upon TALLYHO. " Bless me !" cried he in a state of ecstasy, " this is a room to boast of indeed." " Yes," replied his Cousin, " there is not such another room in Europe; it is 190 feet long by (>(> wide, and proportionably high, divided into three- compartments by these eight massive pillars, from which, as you perceive, spring the three domes, which are so richly ornamented, and ventilated through the. centre of each." " And all of stone ?" inquired BOB. " Not exactly so," was the reply ; " the floor (ex- cepting the situation of the officers and clerks) is of stone, but the walls and ceilings are drawn out and tinted in imitation." And, what are these antique pedestals for, merely a-iiuineiits /" TOM was pleased at this inquiry, and with a 464 FIRE-PROOF INVENTIONS. smile of satisfaction replied" No, these pedestals do double duty, and are something like what the rural poet, Goldsmith, describes in his Deserted Village " The chest contriv'd a double debt to pay, A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day." These are ornamental during the summer, but use- ful in the winter ; they contain fire-places completely nid from view." " Fire-places," re-echoed BOB. " Yes," continued his Cousin ; " the smoke, de- scending, passes through the piers on each side, and by their means a sufficient warmth is at all times kept up in the room." " That is a capital contrivance," said TALLYHO. " Then, to prevent the possibility of sustaining any serious injury from fire, on the ground, one and two pair stories, the communication is cut off by means of iron doors, which run on wheels in chase in the centre of the walls, and are moved backward and forward by a windlass ; which doors are closed every evening, and would effectually prevent a communication beyond their boundaries. Fire-proof rooms also, as repositories for valuable books and papers, are provided on each floor, where the important documents of the establish- ment are deposited every evening, and removed in trunks to the respective offices. There are in all 121 rooms devoted to various offices. This how- ever is the principal: here the general business is transacted, particularly for all foreign concerns, GREETING MINE HOST. 4(55 both inwards and outwards. The Ship Master first makes the report of the cargo here ; the entries of which, either for payment of duties, warehousing, or subsequent exportation, are all passed with the respective officers in this room. The business of the customs is managed by nine Commissioners, whose jurisdiction extends over all parts of England. We will now pass out at the west wing, adjourn to yon Tavern, refresh and refit, and after which a further walk." " With all my heart/* said TALLYHO. " What ho, Master B*******," said DASHALL, saluting the Landlord as he entered the Tavern " How does the world wag with you ? send us some soda water the newspaper let somebody clean our boots give us pen, ink and paper, and prepare us some breakfast with all speed, but no ./&/*, mind that." The Landlord bowed assent to his honourable customer; and by the time they were ready, then orders were complied with. " Pray," inquired DASHALL of the obliging Land- lord, who came in to ask if they were supplied with all they wished for, " did you ever recover any thing from that dashing Blade that so obligingly ordered his dinner here ?" " Never got a halfpenny no no, he was not one of those sort of gentry nor do I ever wish to se<* such again in my house." This was uttered in a tone of discontent, which 3N 466 A VALUABLE CUSTOMER. evidently shewed he had no relish for the con- versation. DASHALL could not refrain from laughter ; upon perceiving which, the Landlord withdrew with a loud slam of the door, and left his customers to enjoy their mirth. " What are you laughing at ?" cried BOB. " Why," continued his Cousin, " There was, as fame reports, in days of yore, At least some fifty years ago, or more, A pleasant wight on town " And there are many pleasant fellows now to be met with ; but you shall have the tale as I had it : This house has been celebrated for furnishing excellent dinners, and the cookery of fish in par- ticular ; consequently it has been the resort of the Bucks, the Bloods, and the dashing Swells of the town, and I myself have been well entertained here. It will therefore not be wondered at that its accommodations should attract the notice of a Sharper whose name and character were well known, but who was in person a total stranger to the unsuspecting Landlord, whom however he did not fail to visit. Calling one afternoon for the purpose of seeing how the land lay, in high twig, and fashionably dressed, he was supplied with a bottle of sherry, and requested the landlord to take a part with him praised the wine, talked of the celebrity of his house for fish, and gave an order for a dinner fo FRIENDLY ACCOMMODATIONS. 4f>7 sixteen friends during the following week. The bait was swallowed, " For a little flattery is sometimes well." * But are your wines of the first quality ? (in- quired the visitor;) for good eating, you know, deserves good drinking, and without that we shall be like fishes out of water.' * Oh, Sir, no man in London can supply you better than myself (was the reply;) but, if you please, you shall select which you may like best, my stock is extensive and good. 1 He was consequently invited into the cellar, and tasted from several binns, particularly marking what he chose to conceive the best. Upon returning to the parlour again " Bless me, (cried he) I have had 'my pocket pick'd this morning, and lost my handkerchief can you oblige me with the loan of one for present use ? and I will send it back by one of my servants.* * Certainly, Sir,' was the reply ; and the best pocket-handkerchief was quickly produced, with another bottle of wine, the flavour of which he had approved while below. He then wrote a letter, which he said must be dispatched immediately by a Ticket-porter to Albemarle Street, where he must wait for an answer. This being done, he desired a coach to be called asked the Landlord if he had any silver he could accommodate him with, as he had occasion to go a little further, but would &on eturn. This being complied with, by the Landlord giving him twenty shillings with the expectation of 468 A PUBLIC CHARACTER. receiving a pound note in return, he threw himself into the coach, wished his accommodating Host good afternoon, promised to return in less than an hour, jut has never shewn his face here since. Poor B don't like to hear the circumstance mentioned." " Zounds!" saidTALLYHO, " somebody was green upon the occasion ; I thought people in London were more guarded, and not so easily to be done. And who did he prove to be after all ?" " No other than the well-known Major Semple, whose depredations of this sort upon the public ren- dered him so notorious.'* Having finished their repast, TOM was for a move ; and they took their way along Thames Street in the direction for Tower Hill. THE TOWER OF LONDON. CHAP. XXI J. " This life is all chequer'd with pleasures and woes flint chase one another like waves of the deep, Each billow, as brightly or darkly it flows, Reflecting our eyes as they sparkle or weep ; So closely our whims on our miseries tread, That the laugh is awak'd ere the tear can be dried And as fast as the rain-drop of pity is shed, The goose-plumage of folly can turn it aside ; But, pledge me the cup ! if existence can cloy With hearts ever light and heads ever wise, Be ours the light grief that is sister to joy, And the short brilliant folly that flashes and dies." " THE building before us," said TOM, " is the Tower of London, wbicb was formerly a palace in- habited by the various Sovereigns of this country till the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Fitzstephens says, it was originally built by Julius Caesar ; but I believe there is no proof of the truth of this assertion, except that one of the towers is to this day called Caesar's Tower." " It seems a place of great security," said BOB. " Yes William the Conqueror erected a fortress on part of its present site, to overawe the inhabitants of London on his gaining possession of the City, and about twelve years afterwards, in 1078, he erected a larger building than the first, either on the site of the lonner or near it. This building, repaired or rebuilt 470 TRINITY SGLUARK. by succeeding Princes, is that which is now called the White Tower." " It appears altogether to be a very extensive building," said TALLYHO ; " and what have we here ? (turning his eyes to the left) the modern style of those form a curious contrast to that we are now viewing." " That is called Trinity Square, and the beau- tiful edifice in the centre is the Trinity House ; it is a new building, of stone, having the advantage of rising ground for its site, and of a fine area in the front." " The Trinity House," reiterated BOB, " some ecclesiastical establishment, I presume, from its title ?" " There you are wrong," continued DASHALL ; " it is a Corporation, which was founded in the year 1515 by Henry VIII. and consists of a Master, four Wardens, eighteen Elder Brothers, in whom is vested the direction of the Company, and an indefinite num- ber t)f younger Brothers ; for any sea-faring man may be admitted into the Society by that name, but without any part of the controul of its concerns. The elder Brethren are usually selected from the most experienced commanders in the navy and the merchants' service, with a few principal persons of his Majesty's Government." " But what, in the name of wonder," inquired BOB, " have Sailors to do with the Trinity ?" " As much as other persons," was the reply ; '' if it is the anchor of hope, as we are taught, they CONFUSION OF TITLED 4/1 have as great a right to rely upon it as any body else besides, the names given to houses ana places in London have nothing to do with their occupations or situations, any more than the com- mon language of life has to do with nature ; else why have we a Waterloo House in the vicinity of St. Giles's for the sale of threads, laces, and tapes a Fleet for the confinement of prisoners, or the King's Bench devoted to the same purposes, un- less it is, " That when we have no chairs at home, The King (God bless him) grants us then a bench." Though London contains a round of delights and conveniencies scarcely to be equalled, it is at the same time a combination of incongruities as diffi- cult to be conceived. The denomination of this House has- therefore nothing to do with the business to which it is devoted. The body which transacts its concerns is called The Master, Wardens and Assistants, of the Guild, or Fraternity of the most glorious and undivided Trinity, and of St. Clement, in the parish of Deptford, Stroud, in the county of Kent." " An admirable illustration of your assertion," replied BOB ; " and pray may I be allowed, with- out appearing romantic or unnecessarily inquisi- tive, to ask what are the objects of the Insti- tution ?" " Certainly. The use of this Corporation is td superintend the general interests of the Britisi shipping, military and commercial. To this end, 472 USE AND POWERS OF THE CORPORATION, the powers of the Corporation are very extensive ; the "rincipal of which are, to examine the children edu- jated in mathematics in Christ's Hospital examine the masters of the King's ships appoint pilots for the Thames erect light-houses and sea-marks grant licenses to poor seamen, not free of the City, to row ori the Thames and superintend the deepen- ing and cleansing of the river ; they have power to receive donations for charitable purposes, ana annually relieve great numbers of poor seamen and seamen's widows and orphans; and as they alone supply outward-bound ships with ballast, on notice of any shoal or obstruction arising in the river Thames, they immediately direct their men and lighters to work on it till it is removed. The profits arising to the Corporation by this useful regulation is very considerable." During this conversation they had continued to walk towards the Trinity House, and were now close to it. " Come," continued DASHALL, " the interior is worth seeing: there are some fine paintings in it, and the fitting up is altogether of an elegant de- scription." Upon making application at the door, and the customary payment of a shilling each, they were admitted. The appearance of the Hall, which is grand, though light and elegant, particularly at- tracted the attention of TALLYHO. The double stair-case, which leads to the court-room, was an object of peculiar delight The beautiful model R C7 THE TRINITY HOUSE, 473 of tne Royal William in the Secretary's Office was much aamired ; but the Court-room was abundant in gratification. Here they were ushered into a spacious apartment, particularly elegant, being unincumbered ; the ceiling finished in a superior style, and decorated with paintings of the late King and Queen James the Second Lord Sandwich Lord Howe, and Mr. Pitt. Here BOB wandered from portrait to portrait, examining the features and character of each, and admiring the skill and ability of the artists. At the upper end of the room he was additionally pleased to find a large painting containing a group of about twenty- four of the Elder Brethren, representing them at full length, attended by their Secretary, the late Mr. Court. Many of the persons being well re- membered by DASHALL, were pointed out by him to his Cousin, and brought to his recollection names deservedly celebrated, though now no more. This picture was the gift of the Merchant Brethren in 1794. TALLYHO was much delighted with his survey of this truly elegant building, and the luminous account given by his Cousin of the various per- sons whose portraits met his eye, or whose names and characters, connected with the establishment, had become celebrated for scientific research or indefatigable industry. " It will occupy too much time this morning," said DASHALL, " to visit the interior of the Tower, as I have dispatched a Ticket-porter to Piccadilly, 474 RAG FAIR COMMERCE. ordering my curricle to be at Tom's Coffee-house at one; we will therefore defer that pleasure to the next opportunity of being this way. We will however take a look at the Bank and the Exchange, then a trundle into the fresh air for an hour, and return home to dinner ; so come along, but we will vary our walk by taking another road back." With this intention, they now crossed Tower Hill, and turned to the left, along the Minories. " Here is a place," said DASHALL, " well known, and no doubt you have often heard of Sparrow Corner and Rosemary Lane are better known by the tppellation of Rag Fair. It is a general mart for the sale of second-hand clothes, and many a well- looking man in London is indebted to his oc- casional rambles in this quarter for his appear- ance. The business of this place is conducted with great regularity, and the dealers and collec- tors of old clothes meet at a certain hour of the afternoon to make sales and exchanges, so that it is managed almost upon the same plan as the Royal Exchange, only that the dealers here come loaded with their goods, which must undergo in- spection before sales can be effected: while the Merchant carries with him merely a sample, or directs his Purchaser to the warehouse where his cargo is deposited. The principal inhabitants of this place are Jews, and they obtain supplies from the numerous itinerant collectors from all quarters of London and its suburbs, whom you must have observed parading the streets from the ITINERANT JEWS AND DEPREDATORS. 4/5 earliest hour of the morning, crying Quid clothes Clothes sale.' 1 '' " It surely can hardly be a trade worth following/* said TALLYHO. " There are many hundreds daily wandering the streets, however," replied TOM, " in pursuit of cast- off apparel, rags, and metals of different sorts, or at least pretend so. The Jews are altogether a set of traders. I do not mean to confine my ob- servations to them only, because there are persons of other sects employed in the same kind of busi- ness; and perhaps a more dangerous set of cheats could scarcely be pointed at, as their chief busi- ness really is to prowl about the houses and stables of people of rank and fortune, in order to hold out temptations to their servants, to pilfer and steal small articles not likely to be missed, which these fellows are willing to purchase at about one-third of their real value. It is supposed that upwards of 15,000 of these depraved itinerants among the Jews are daily employed in journeys of this kind ; by which means, through the medium of base mo- ney and other fraudulent dealings, many of them acquire property with which they open shops, and then become receivers of stolen property ; the. losses thus sustained by the public being almost in- calculable " For wid coot gould rings of copper gilt 'tis so he gets hie bread, Wit his sealing-vax of brick-dust, and his pencils without lead. ' 476 LIVING BY THE WITS. It is estimated that there are from fifteen to twenty thousand Jews in the Metropolis, and about five or six thousand more stationed in the great provincial and sea-port towns. In London they have six Synagogues, and in the countiy places there are at least twenty more. Most of the lower classes of those distinguished by name of German or Dutch Jews, live principally by their wits, and establish a system of mischievous intercourse all over the country, the better to enable them to carry on their fraudulent designs in every way. The pliability of their consciences is truly won- derful " For they never stick at trifles, if there's monies in the way." Nay, I remember the time when they used to per- ambulate our streets openly, professing to pur- chase base coin, by bawling " Any bad shilling, any bad shilling." The interference of the Police however has prevented the calling, though perhaps it is impossible to prevent a continuance of the practice any more than they can that of utter- ance. These men hesitate not to purchase stolen property, or metals of various kinds, as well as other articles pilfered from the Dock-yards, and stolen in the provincial towns, which are brought to the Metropolis to elude detection, and vice versd; in some cases there are contrivances that the buyer and seller shall not even see each other, in order that no advantage may be taken by giving in- formation as to the oarties." LAMENTABLE STATE OF THE JEWS. 477 " Upon my life, the contrivances of London are almost incomprehensible," said BOB, " and migh deter many from venturing into it ; but this sur- prises me beyond any thing." " It is however too lamentably true," continued TOM; " for these people, educated in idleness from the earliest infancy, acquire every debauched and vicious principle which can fit them for the most complicated arts of fraud and deception, to which they seldom fail to add the crime of perjury, whenever it can be useful to shield themselves or their friends from the punishment of the law. Totally without moral education, and very seldom trained to any trade or occupation by which they can earn an honest livelihood by manual labour their youths excluded from becoming apprentices, and their females from engaging themselves generally as servants, on account of the superstitious adhe- rence to the mere ceremonial of their persuasion, as it respects meat not killed by Jews nothing can exceed their melancholy condition, both as it regards themselves and society. Thus excluded from the resources which other classes of the community possess, they seem to have no alter- native but to resort to those tricks and devices which ingenuity suggests, to enable persons with- out an honest means of subsistence to live in idleness. " The richer Jews are in the practice of lending small sums to the poorer classes of their commu- nity, in order that they may support themselves 478 VARIOUS MONEY-GETTING ARTS. \)y a species of petty traffic ; but even thi? system contributes in no small degree to the commission ot crimes, since, in order to render it productive to an extent equal to the wants of families who do not acquire any material aid by manual labour, they are induced to resort to unlawful means of increasing it, by which they become public nuisances. From the orange-boy and the retailer of seals, razors, glass and other wares, in the public streets, or the collector of ' Old rags, old jags, old bonnets, old bags, to the shop-keeper, dealer in wearing apparel, or in silver and gold, the same principles of conduct too generally prevail. " The itinerants utter base money, to enable them by selling cheap, to dispose of their goods; while those who are stationary, with very few ex- ceptions, receive and purchase at an under price whatever is brought them, without asking ques- tions ; and yet most of their concerns are managed with so much art, that we seldom hear of a Jew being hanged ; and it is also a fact, that during the holidays (of which they have many in the course of a year,) or at one of their weddings, you may see the barrow-woman of yesterday decked out in gay and gaudy attire of an expensive nature. By this time they had reached the top of the mino- ries, and were turning down Houndsditch. "We are now," said DASHALL, " close to another place chiefly inhabited by Jews, called DUKE*S PLACE, where they have a very elegant Synagogue, which DUKE S PLACE AND SYNAGOGUE. 479 has been visited by Royalty, the present King jiaving, during his Regency, honoured them with a visit, through the introduction of the late Mr. Goldsmid. . If it should be a holiday, we will be present at the religious ceremonies of the morning.'" With this they entered Duke's Place, and were , soon within the walls of this Temple of Judaism. In taking a view of it, BOB was much gratified with its splendid decorations, and without being acquainted with their forms, had doj/Td his castor* but was presently informed by his Cousin that he must keep his hat on. The readers appeared to him to be singers; but the whole of the service being Hebrew, it was of little consequence to him, whether read or sung. He perceived, during the performances of these prayers, which were every now and then joined in by almost every one present, that many of the congregation ap- peared to be in close conversation, which, how- ever, was taken no notice of by the persons officiat- ing. He was well pleased with the singing of a youth and the accompaniment of a gentleman in a cock'd hat; for although he could not discover that he actually produced words, he produced sounds in many instances bearing a strong simi- larity to those of a bassoon. The venerable ap- pearance and devotion of the High Priest, who was habited in a robe of white, also attracted his attention ; while the frequent bursts of the congie- * Do/'d fits aislui T;ik.-n oil Ins lull. 480 COMBINATION OF BUSINESS AND RELIGION. gation, joining in the exercises of the morning, in some instances almost provoked his risibility. " The religious ceremonies of these people," said TOM, as they left the synagogue, " though somewhat imposing as to form and appearance, do not seem to be strongly interesting, for many of them are engaged during the whole of the service in some species of traffic; buying and selling, or estimating the value of goods for sale. They are such determined merchants and dealers, that they cannot forget business even in the house of prayer. We have two sets of them. This is the Dutch Synagogue; but the most ancient is that of the Portuguese, having been established in England ever since the Usurpation. The members of it being mostly wealthy, are extremely attentive to their poor, among whom there is said not to be a single beggar or itinerant; while the Dutch of German Jews get no education at all: even the most affluent of them are said to be generally unable either to read or write the language of the country that gave them birth. They confine them- selves to a bastard or vulgar Hebrew, which has little analogy to the original. They observe the particular ritual of the German Synagogue, and also include the Polish, Russian, and Turkish Jews established in London. With the exception of a few wealthy individuals, and as many families who are in trade on the Royal Exchange, they are IP general a very indigent class of people, ineir community bein# too poor to afford them PORTUGUESE JEWS. 481 adequate relief, they have resorted to the expedient of lending them small sums of money at interest, to trade upon, which is required to be repaid monthly or weekly, as the case may be, otherwise they forfeit all claim to this aid. " The Portuguese Jews are generally opulent and respectable, and hold no community with the others. They use a different liturgy, and their language is even different. They never intermarry with the Jews of the Dutch Synagogue. They pride themselves on their ancestry, and give their children the best educa- tion which can be obtained where they reside. The Brokers upon the Exchange, of the Jewish persua- sion, are all or chiefly of the Portuguese Synagogue. Their number is limited to twelve by Act of Parlia- ment, and they pay 1000 guineas each for this privilege." They had now reached the end of Houndsditch, when, passing through Bishopsgate Church Yard and Broad Street, they were soon at the Bank. " This building," said DASHALL, " covers an ex- tent of several acres of ground, and is completely isolated." " Its exterior," replied BOB, " is not unsuited to the nature of the establishment, as it certainly con- veys an idea of strength and security." " That's true," continued TOM ; " but you may observe a want of uniformity of design and propor- tion, arising from its having been erected piece- meal, at different periods, and according to diffe- rent plans, by several architects. This is the 482 BANK OF ENGLAND. principal entrance ; and opposite to it is the shortest street in the Metropolis, called Bank Street ; it con. tains but one house. Now we will take a survey the interior." They entered the Hall, where TALLYHO was much pleased to be instructed as to the methodical way they have of examining notes for a re-issuing or ex- changing into coin. " Here," said DASHALL, " are the Drawing- offices for public and private accounts. This room is seventy-nine feet long by forty; and, at the further end, you observe a very fine piece of sculpture : that is a marble Statue of King Willian III. the founder of the Bank. This national establishment was first incorporated by act of Parliament in 1694. The projector of the scheme was a Mr. James Paterson, A native of Scotland ; and the direction of its concerns is vested in a Governor, Deputy-Gover- nor, and twenty-four Directors, elected annually at a general Court of the Proprietors. Thirteen of the Directors, with the Governor, form a Court for the transaction of business. The Bank is open every day from nine in the morning till five in the afternoon, holidays excepted. It is like a little town. The Clerks at present are about 1000 in number, but a reduction is intended. The Rotunda is the most interesting apartment we will go and have a look at the Money- dealers. " Here," continued he, as they entered the Rotunda, and mingled among the various persons REAL LIFE AT "THE BANK. 483 and sounds that are so well known in that seat of traffic, " from the hours of eleven to three a crowd of eager Money-dealers assemble, and avidity of gain displays itself in ever-varying shapes, at times truly ludicrous to the disinterested observer. You will presently perceive that the justling and crowding of the Jobbers to catch a bargain, frequently exceed in disorder the scrambling at the doors of our theatres for an early admission : and so loud and clamorous at times are the mingled noises of the buyers and sellers, that all distinction of sound is lost in a general uproar." Of this description, TALLYHO had an absolute proof in a few minutes, for the mingling variety of voices appeared to leave no space in time for distin- guishing either the sense or the sound of the indivi- dual speakers ; though it was evident that, notwith- standing the continual hubbub, there was a perfect understanding effected between parties for the sale and transfer of Stock, according to the stipulations bargained for. " Ha, Mr. M ," said the Hon. TOM DASHALL, " how do you do ? " " Happy to say well, Sir, thank you," was the reply. "Any commands ? markets are pretty brisk this morning, and we are all alive." " Pray," said TALLYHO, " who is that extraordi- nary looking Lady with such red lips and cheeks, beneath the garb of sadness ? " " A constant visitor here,* ^.plied Mr. M. 434 AN ECCENTRIC CHARACTER. " I may say a day scarcely passes without her being present.'* " She has a curious appearance," said BOB ; " her " dress is all black from head to foot, and yet her cheeks disclose the ruddy glow of uninterrupted health. Is it that her looks belie her garb, or that her garb belies her looks ? " " Hush," said Mr. M. " let her pass, and I wu give you some information relative to her, which, if it does not gratify you, will at least satisfy some of your inquiries. I am half inclined to believe that all is not right in the seat of government with her, (pointing his finger to his head;) and she is therefore rather deserving of pity than an object of censure or ridicule ; though I have reason to believe she frequently meets with attacks of the latter, when in search of the sympathy and be- nefit to be derived from a proper exercise of the former. Her name is Miss W********. Her father was formerly a twopenny postman, who re- sided at Rockingham Row, Walworth, and was him- self somewhat eccentric in his dress and manners, and it was not at all unusual to meet him in the morning in the garb of his office, though decidedly against his inclination, and to see him on 'Change during 'Change hours, in silk stockings, and in every other way dressed as a Merchant, attending there according to custom and practice ; and he managed, by some means or other, to keep up a character of respectability, and to give an accom- CHAOS OF THE MIND. 485 plished education to the younger branches of this family ; so that this lady, though unfortunate in her present circumstances, has been well brought up, and mingled in polished society ; and, if you were to en- ter into conversation with her now, you would find her intelligent in the selection of her words and the combination of sentences, to explain to you the most improbable events, and the most unheard of claims that she has upon all the Governments in the known world. This, however, would be done with good temper, unless any thing like an insulting observation should be conceived, or intended to be conveyed." " And, pray, what is supposed to be the cause of her present manners and appearance ? " inquired BOB. "It is principally attributed," replied Mr. M. " to the circumstance of losing a beloved brother, who she now continually declares is only kept from her by the persons who daily visit the Ro- tunda, with a view to prevent the recovery of the property she lays claim to, and the particulars of which she generally carries in her pocket. That brother however suffered the penalty of the law for a forgery ;* but this she cannot be induced to * The lamentable effusion of blood which has taken place within the last twenty years, in consequence of forgeries on the Bank of England, has already excited a very considerable por- tion of public interest and indignation ; and it is much to be feared that notwithstanding the very serious expence the Cor- poration have incurred, with a view to remedy the evil, by ren- 486 LAMENTABLE EH-ECTS OF FORGERY. believe. We have reason to think she is frequently much straitened for want of the necessary supplies for sustenance, and she has temporary relief occasion- ally from those who knew her family and her former circumstances in life, while she boldly perseveres in the pursuit of fancied property, and the restoration of her brother. " I have heard her make heavy complaints of the difficulties she has had to encounter, and the dering the imitation more difficult, the anticipated result is not likely to be obtained. It will hardly be conceived that the Go- vernors have expended as much as one hundred thousand pounds in this laudable undertaking, and, upon producing an impression, we are told it can De imitated by one, who, within three weeks produced a fac-simile, and puzzled the makers of the original note to discover which was the workmanship of their own hands. Nay, even an engraver on wood is said to have produced an excellent imitation in a few hours. It is however sincerely to be hoped that an effectual stop will be eventually put to the possibility of committing this crime, which, we apprehend, nine times out of ten brings the poor, needy, half-starved retailer of paper to the gallows, while the more unprincipled wholesale dealer escapes detection. While on the subject of forged notes, we cannot help depre- cating the circulation of what are termed flash notes, which, if not originally intended to deceive and defraud, are calculated to accomplish these objects, when in the hands of the artful and designing. We think there is a tradesman in the vicinity of the Bank who presents such of his customers as visits his repo- sitory to have their hair cut, &c. with a flash note, purporting to be for 501. ; and we have also reason to believe that more , than one attempt has been detected, where the parties have really endeavoured to pass them as valid Bank of England paper. The danger therefore must be evident. SINGULAR ABERRATION OF MIND. 487 privations she has been subjected to ; but her own language will best speak the impressions on her mind. Here is a printed letter which was circulated by her some time ago : To the worthy Inhabitants of the Parish of St. Mary, Newington, Surrey. IT is with feelings of deep regret I have to deplore the ne- cessity that compels me to adopt a public measure, for the pur- pose of obtaining my property from those gentlemen that hold it in trust. For a period of ten years I have endured the most cruel and unjustifiable persecution, which has occasioned the premature death of my mother j a considerable loss of property j all my personal effects of apparel and valuables j has exposed me to the most wanton and barbarous attacks, the greatest in- sults, and the severe and continual deprivation of every com- mon necessary. Having made every appeal for my right, or even a maintenance, without effect, I now take the liberty of adopting the advice of some opulent friends in the parish, and solicit general favour in a loan by subscription for a given time, not doubting the liberal commiseration of many ladies and gen- tlemen, towards so great a sufferer. As it is not possible to describe the wrongs I have endured, the misery that has been heaped upon me, in so limited a space, I shall be happy to give every explanation upon calling for the result of this entreaty and to those ladies and gentlemen that condescend to favour S. WHITEHEAD With their presence, at The White Hart Inn, Borough. " The property alluded to in this Letter, is enu- merated by her to be as follows : PROPERTY BELONGING TO MISS WHITEIIEAD. Franc* Rente*. Inscriotion of French Stock, N. 29606 serie 5 ) 2 OOQ Suinmc t 488 IMAGINARY WEALTH. Prussian Bonds,^. 9/43 to 10,05 1 , 309 Bonds for ) .1000 sterl. each / ^09,000 Piastres. Spanish Bonds, N. 14OO to 6899, 5500 Bonds, of \ 55Q QQO 100 hard piastres each j Dollars. Venezuelan Debentures, 1641, 1642, 1643, 1644,] g 1645, five Bonds, 10,OOO dollars each j Dollars. Columbian Ditto. N. 10, 23, 29, 31, four Bonds,! 15,000 dollars each J North Pole Obligations, 6701 to 7000, 300Obliga-1 tions, valued at .150 each J Cowries. Morocco and Fez Stock, at 6 per cent, payable in) Abyssinian 3 per cents. Dividend not yet payable, valued at Besides Bills to an immense amount, accepted by the Dey of Algiers, and payable by his Grand Plenipotentiary. Various sums in the English and Irish Funds, in the names of various Trustees : in the 3 per cent. Consols 3 per cent. 1726 3 per cent. South Sea Annuities 3 per cent. Old South Sea Annuities 4 per cent. 3 per cent. 5 per cent. Long Annuities. Besides various Freehold, Copyhold, and Leasehold Estates, Reversions and Annuities, of incalculable value. One of the Freehold Estates is that known by the name of Ireland's Row, and the Brewhouse adjacent, Mile End ; the Muswell Hill Estate ; a large House in Russell Square, tenanted at present by Mr. B dd ! ! ! " For the truth of this statement, or the real ex- istence of any property belonging to her, I am not able to vouch. She is well known in all the offices of this great Establishment, is generally oeaceabJe in her conduct, and communicative in her con* BANK CORPORATION. 489 versation, which at times distinguishes her as 8 person of good education.'* " Hard is the fortune which your Sex attendg, Women, like princes, find few real friends j All who approach them their own ends pursue, Lovers and ministers are seldom true. Hence oft from reason heedless beauty strays, And the most trusted guide the most betrays." The conversation was here interrupted by the arrival of a Gentleman, who, taking Mr. M. on one side, TOM and BOB wished him a good morn- ing. They proceeded to view the various offices which branch out from the Rotunda, and which are appropriated to the management of each par- ticular stock, in each of which BOB could not help admiring the happy disposition of every department to facilitate business. The arrangement of the books, and the clerks, under the several letters of the alphabet, he conceived was truly excellent. " The Corporation of the Bank," said DASHALL, " are prohibited from trading in any sort of goods or merchandize whatsoever ; but are to confine the use of their capital to discounting Bills of Exchange, and to the buying and selling of gold and silver bullion ; with a permission however to sell such goods as are mortgaged or pawned to them and not redeemed within three months after the expiration of the time for their redemption. Their profits arise from their traffic in bullion ; the discounting of Bills of Exchange for Bankers, Mer- chants, Factors, and Speculators; and the remune- 490 JOINT STOCK COMPANIES. ration they receive from Government, for managing the public funds, and for receiving the subscriptions on loans and lotteries. But we may ramble about in these places for a month, and still have novelty in store ; and there is a little world underneath the greater part of this extensive building devoted to printing-offices, ware-rooms, &c." They had now reached the door which leads into Bartholomew Lane, and, upon descending the steps, and turning to the left, BOB'S eyes soon discovered the Auction Mart. " What have we here ?** inquired he. " That," replied his Cousin, " is a building which may deservedly be rank'H. as one of the ornaments of the City; and its arrangements and economy, as well as the beauty of its interior, are well deserv- ing the notice of every stranger. This fine esta- blishment, which serves as a focus for the sale of estates and other property by public auction, is both useful and ornamental ; it was built about the time when the spirit of combination was so strong in London. You must know, some years back, every kind of business and trade appeared likely to be carried on by Joint Stock Companies, and the profits divided upon small shares. Many Fire- offices have to date their origin from this source the Hope, the Eagle, the Atlas, and others. The Golden Lane Brewery was opened upon this prmcipie ; some Water Companies were established ; till neighbourhood and partnership ;tliuost became synonimous ; and, I believe, among AUCTION MART COURTOIS. 491 many other institutions of that kind, the Building before us is one. It contains many handsome rooms and commodious offices ; but, as for offices, every street and every alley abounds with them, and, now-a-days, if you want to hire a Cook or a Scul- lion, you have nothing to do but to send a letter to a Register-office, and you are suited in a twinkling. It was an excellent idea, and I remember the old Buck who used to call himself the founder of esta- blishments of that nature, or rather the first intro- ducer of them to the notice of Englishmen, poor old Courtois." John Courtois is said to have been a native of Picardy, where he was born about the year 1737 or 1738. He repaired to this country while yet young, in the character of valet de chambre to a gentleman who had picked him up in his travels ; and, as he came from one of the poorest of the French pro- vinces, he " took root," and throve wonderfully on his transplantation to a richer soil. On the death of his master, he removed to the neighbourhood of the Strand ; and St. Martin's Street, Leicester Square, became the scene of his industry and success. At a time when wigs were worn by boys, and a Frenchman was supposed the only person capable of making one fit " for the grande monarque" he commenced business as a perriiquier, and soon acquired both wealth and celebrity. To this he joined Another employment, wbich proved equally lucrative and appropriate, as it subjected both masters and servants to his 492 A VOTARY OF PLUTU3. influence. This was the keeping of a register- office, one of the first known in the Metropolis, wnence he drew incalculable advantages. He is also said to have been a dealer in hair, which he imported largely, from the continent. And yet, after all, it is difficult to conceive how he could have realized a fortune exceeding 200,000/. ! But what may not be achieved by a man who despised no gains, however small, and in his own expressive language, considered farthings as " the seeds of guineas !" The following appears to be a true descrip- tion of this very extraordinary man, whom we ourselves have seen more than once : " Old Courtois was well known for more than half a century in the purlieus of St. Martin's and the Haymarket. His appearance was meagre and squa- lid, and his clothes, such as they were, were per- tinaciously got up in exactly the same cut and fashion, and the colour always either fawn or marone. For the last thirty years, the venerable chapeau was uniformly of the same cock. The principal feat, however, in which this fervent vo- tary of Plutus appeared before the public, was his nearly fatal affair with Mary Benson, otherwise Mrs. Maria Theresa Phepoe. In April 1/95, this ill-fated woman projected a rather bungling scheme, in order to frighten her old acquaintance and visitor, Courtois, out of a considerable sum of money. One evening, when she was certain of his calling, she had her apartment prepared for his IRRESISTIBLE ARGUMENTS. 493 reception in a species of funereal style a bier, a black velvet pall, black wax candles lighted, &c. No sooner bad tbe friend entered the room, than the lady, assisted by her maid, pounced on him, forced him into an arm chair, in which he was for- cibly held down by the woman, while the hostess, brandishing a case-knife or razor, swore with some violent imprecations, that instant should be his last, if he did not give her an order on his banker for a large sum of money. The venerable visitor, alarmed at the gloomy preparations and dire threats of the desperate female, asked for pen, ink, and paper ; which being immediately pro- duced, he wrote a check on his banker for two thousand pounds. He immediately retired with precipitation, happy to escape without personal injury. The next morning, before its opening, he attended at the Banker's, with some Police- officers ; and on Mrs. Phepoe's making her appear- ance with the check, she was arrested, and subse- quently tried at the Old Bailey, on a capital charge, grounded on the above proceedings. However, through the able defence made by her counsel ^the late Mr. Fielding) who took a legal objection to the case as proved, and contended that she never had or obtained any property of Mr. Courtois, on the principle that possession constituted the first badgr of ownership, she was only sentenced to twelve months' imprisonment. The following anecdote '** generally credited : 494 WEALTH WITHOUT PRIDE. " Some years since, the late Lord Gage met Courtois, at the court-room of the East India House, on an election business. " Ah, Courtois !" said his Lordship, " what brings you here?" * To give my votes, my Lord,' was the answer. " What ! are you a proprietor ?" ' Most certainly.' " And of more votes than one ?" * Yes, my Lord, I have FOUR !' " Aye, indeed ! why then, before you take the book, pray be kind enough to pin up my curls /" With which modest request the proprietor of four votes, equal to ten thousand pounds, immediately complied ! " M. Courtois married a few years since, and has left several children. On reflecting that his widow's thirds would amount to an immense sum, with his usual prudence he made a handsome settlement on her during his lifetime. As his sons were not of very economical habits, he has bequeathed them small annuities only; and vested the bulk of his fortune in trustees on behalf of his daughters, who are infants. " Until his death, he invariably adhered to the costume of the age in which he was born. A three- cocked hat, and a plum-coloured coat, both rather the worse for wear, in which we have seen him fre- quently, invariably designated his person and habits ; while a penurious economy, that bid defiance to all vulgar imitation, accompanied him to his gra^?. His death, occurred in 1819, in the 80th or 81st year of his age." ROYAL EXCHANGE. 495 Such characters," observed TAILYHO, " not- withstanding their eccentricity, afford useful lessons to those who, in this giddy and dissipated age, devote a part of their time to thinking." " No doubt of it," replied DASHALL ; " they fur- nish examples of what may be done by perseverance and determination, and almost seem to verify the assertion, that every one may become rich if he pleases. But come, we must move towards Tom's Coffee House, in our way to which we will pass through the Royal Exchange, which lies directly before us. It was originally a brick building, erected by Sir Thomas Gresham in the year 1567, but being destroyed by the fire of London in 1666, the present building of Portland stone was raised in its place, the first stone of which was laid by Charles II. in 1667; in consequence of which his statue has been ..placed in the centre of its quadrangle, around which the Merchants assemble daily to transact their com- mercial business.* " It has two principal fronts, one in Cornhill, and * The merry Monarch was fond of the Citizen", and fre- quently honoured the Ix>rd Mayor's table with his presence. It is said of him, that, on retiring to his carriage one day after dining with the civic Sovereign, he was followed by the latter, who, with a freedom inspired by the roseate Deity, laid hold of His Majesty by the arm, and insisted that he should not go until he had drunk t'other bottle. r J*e Monarch turned round, and good-humonredly repeating a line from an old song *' The man that is drunk is as great as a kintf." went hick tr. the co npuny, and doubtless complied with the Lonl Mayor request. 'lOG ROYAL EXCHANGE. the other, which you now see, is at the end of Threadneedle Street ; each of which has a piazza, affording a convenient shelter from the sun and rain. It is open as a thoroughfare from eight in the morning till six in the evening ; but the hours in which business is chiefly transacted, are from two to five. Its extent is 203 feet by 171." By this time they had passed the gate, and BOB found himself in a handsome area with a fine piazza carried entirely round, and furnished with seats along the four walks, for Merchants of different nations, who meet, each at their different stations, and was lin mediately attracted by the appearance of the numerous specimens of art with which it was adorned. " Do you observe," said his Cousin, " within these piazzas are twenty-eight niches; all vacant but that in which is placed a statue of Sir Thomas Gresham, in the north-west angle ; and that in the south-west, which presents a statue of Sir John Barnard, Magistrate of the City, and one of its Representatives in Parliament. Those smaller statues in the niches of the wall of the Quadrangle, in the upper story, are the Kings and Queens of England, beginning with Edward I. on the North side, and ending with his late Majesty on the East. As far as Charles I. they were executed by Gabriel Gibber. The various frames which are placed around under the piazza, contain the names, residences and occupations of Tradesmen, Mecha- nics and others. The grand front in Cornhill has A PROPHECY FULFILLED. 497 been under repair lately, and in its appearance, no doubt, is greatly improved. The steeple wbich is just raised, is a handsome dome, surmounted by the original grasshopper, rendered somewhat cele- brated by a prophecy, that certain alterations would take place in men, manners, and times, when the grasshopper on the top of the Exchange should meet the dragon at the top of Bow Church ; and strange and extraordinary as it may appear, this very circumstance is said to have taken place, as they have both been seen in the warehouse of some manufacturer, to whom they were consigned for repair ; in addition to which, if Crockery's* * A whimsical and laughable Burletta, in one act, has re- cently been produced at the Royal Coburg Theatre, in which Mr. Sloman sings, with admirable comicality, the following Song, alluded to by the Hon. TOM DASHALL, to the tune of 0, The Roast Beef of Old England. " From HINGY I came with my Master, O dear, But Lunnun is not like the same place, that's clear j It has nigh broke my heart since I have been here ! O, the old times of Old England, O dear, the good English old times. The town is so changed, that I don't know a spot; The times are so hard, there's no vork to be got ; And for porter they charges you fip-pence a pot ! O, the old times, &c. Then the sides of the houses are stuck full of bills About Blacking, Mock-Auctions, and vondorful Pills j But for von vot they cures, a hundred they kills f O, the old times, &c. 3R 496 STRANGE ALTERATIONS. relation of the transmogrifications of England is to be believed, the prophecy is in a considerable There's the names are all halter'd verewer I goes, And the people all laughs at the cut of my close ; The men are turn'd vomen, the belles are turn'd beaux ! O the old times, &c. Ven I vent out to HINGY, if any von died, A good vooden coffin they used to prowide, But HIRON vons now keeps the poor vorms houtside ! O, the old times, &c. There's the Lancaster schools now all over the land, Vot teaches the childrens to scribble on sand And a hugly Bonassus vot lives in the Strand ! O, the new times, &c. There's a new Life-preserver, vith vich you cant drown j And a new kind of Sov'reigns just com'd into town, Von is vorth a pound note, and the other a crown ! O, the new times, &c. The Play-bills have hard vords, vot I cannot speak 5 And the horgans plays nothing but Latin and Greek j And it's rain'd every day now for more than a veek ! O, the new times, &c. There's a man valks on vater and don't vet his feet j And a patent steam-kitchen, vot cooks all your meat ; And Epp's ham and beef shop in every street ! O, the new times, &c. J valks up and down vith the tears in my hye ; Vot they vonce call'd a vaggon is now call'd a flv ; And the boys points their fingers, and calls I a Guj I O, the old times of Old England, O dear, the good English old times." LLOYD'S GRESHAM LECTURE, ETC. degree verified. There is a stair-case in each front, and one on each side, which lead to a ga*lery above, running round the whole building, containing the offices of various establishments ; but I believe, in the original plan, shops were intended to fill the building to the top. At present, the upper rooms are occupied by Lloyd's celebrated Subscription Cof- fee-house, for the use of Under-writers and Mer- chants by the Royal Exchange Insurance Company, and various offices of individuals. There are also the Gresham Lecture-Rooms, where lectures are read pursuant to the will of the late Sir Thomas Gresham, who bequeathed to the City of London and the Mercers' Company, all the profits arising from these and other premises in Cornhill, in trust to pay sala- ries to four lecturers in divinity, astronomy, music, and geometry ; and three readers in civil law, physic, and rhetoric, who read lectures daily in term time. " This we may consider the grand mart of the universe I where congregate those sons of Commerce the British Merchants, who, in dauntless ex- tent of enterprise, hold such distinguished pre- eminence ! " TALLYHO viewed the scene before him with an inquisitive eye, and was evidently wrapped in sur- prise at the " busy hum of men," all actuated by one universal object, the acquisition of wealth. The spacious area exhibited a mass of mercantile speculators, numerously grouped, in conversation ; under the uiazzaa appeared a moving multitude 500 THE ESSENTI4L RFttUJS TE. hi like manner engaged, while the surrounding seats were in similar occupation ; DASHALL and BOB, of the many hundreds of individuals present, were perhaps the only two led to the place by curiosity alone. TALLYHO, who, on every occasion of " doubtful dilemma," looked to his cousin DASHALL for extri- cation, expressed his surprise at the appearance of a squalid figure, whose lank form, patched habiliments, and unshorn beard, indicated extreme penury ; in fa- miliar converse with a gentleman fashionably attired, and of demeanor to infer unquestionable respecta- bility. " Interest," said TALLYHO, " supersedes eveiy otter consideration, else these two opposites would not meet." " Your observation is just," replied his cousin ; " the tatterdemallion to whom you allude, is proba- bly less impoverished than penurious; perhaps of miserly habits, and in other respects disqualified for polite society. What then, he is doubtless in ample possession of the essential requisite; and here a monied man only is a good man, and without money no man can be respectable."* * Some years ago, a gentleman of extensive property, resid- ing in the country, was desirous of raising, by way of loan on the security of landed estates, the sum of 30,0001. His Soli- citor in London, with whom he had corresponded on the subject, summoned him at last to town ; a lender was found, who was to meet the Solicitor at a certain time and place appointed, in the neighbourhood of the Exchange. The borrower, on the clay SYMPTOMS OF DISTURBANCE. 501 Here the continued and deafening noise of a hand- bell, rung by one of the Exchange-keepers under- lings, perched on the balcony over the southern gate, interrupted Mr. Dashall's remarks ; it was the signal for locking up the gates, and inferring at the same time obedience to the summons with due prompti- tude and submission, on pain of being detained two hours " in duresse vile." Sufficient alacrity of egression not having been shown, the Keepers closed the two gates, and at the same time locked the east and western avenues ; thus interdicting from egress above three hundred con- tumacious individuals, including the Hon. TOM DASHALL and his Cousin. A considerable time having now elapsed with-- out any prospect of enlargement, dissatisfaction gained ground apace, and shortly ripened into actual mutiny. The disaffected now proceeded to hold a council of war, and after a few moments beliberation, it was resolved unanimously to storm the avenues ! DASHALL and TALLYHO declined tak- and near the hour fixed upon, was in the area of the Royal Exchange, when there crossed over a wretched looking being, the very personification of misery. The gentleman, unsolicited, gave the poor object a shilling. On going to the appointed ren- dezvous, how great was his astonishment to find in the person of jhe wealthy monied man the identical receiver of his bounty ! " Ha, ha," cried he, " you shall not fare the worse for your gene- rosity ! " and actually advanced the money on terms much easier than expected. This personage was the celebrated DANIEL DANCER. 502 ROYAL EXCHANGE FRACAS. ing any part in the enterprise; they took a right view of the affair ; they were mere casual visitants, not likely ever again to suffer a similar restraint, while the others were in the daily practice of trans- acting business on the spot : to them therefore the frequent recurrence of the present disaster might happen theirs then was the cause, as being most particularly interested. An attack was made by the prisoners upon the portals opening into Bank Buildings and Sweet- ing's Rents ; but the former having been shattered sometime since on a similar occasion, and subse- quently very strongly repaired, it was found im- pregnable, at least to any immediate exertion of force, and being neither furnished with a park of artillery, nor with the battering ram of the an- cients, the little army faced to the right about, enfiladed the area, and took up a new position, in due order of assault, against the door of the ave- nue leading into Sweeting's Rents. The affair was decided, and without bloodshed; the bars soon bent before the vigour of the assailants ; one of these was taken into custody by a Beadle, but rescued, and the attack recommenced with suc- cess ; when the opposite door was also opened by the Shop-keeper living in that avenue, and the Exchange was finally cleared at four minutes past five o'clock, after above an hour's detention, includ- ing the time occupied in storming the avenues. The triumph of liberty was now complete ; the intrepid phalanx disbanded itself / and our Heroes EGRESS BY STORM. 503 having made the farewell conge to their victorious compeers, proceeded into Cornhill, where, DASHALL espying his curricle at the door of Tom's Coffee House, they, after refreshing themselves, took a cheer- ful country drive over London Bridge, Clapham Common, Wandsworth, &c. from which they re- turned at six o'clock to dinner, determined to have a night's rest befoie they proceeded in search of further ad veil 4 ires. 504 INCIDENT * AD INHMIuM. CHAP. XXIII " HAPPY the man, who void of cares and strife. Ii silken or in leathern purse retains A SPLENDID SHILLING ! he nor hears with pain New oysters cried, nor sighs for cheerfo. AM ; But I, whom griping penury surrounds, And hunger, sure attendant upon want, With scanty oft'al and small acid tiff. Wretched repast, lay meagre corse sustain 1 Or solitary walk, or dose at home In garret vile ! " TALKING over, at the breakfast-table, the occui- rences of the preceding day " On my conscience!" exclaimed TALLYHO, " were the antediluvian age re- stored, and we daily perambulated the street of this immense Metropolis during a hundred years to come, I firmly believe that every hour would bring a fresh accession of incident." " Ad infinitum" answered DASHALL ; " where happiness is the goal in view, and fifteen hundred thousand competitors start for the prize, the ma- noeuvres of all in pursuit of the grand ultimatum must ever exhibit an interesting and boundless variety. London, " - - - the needy villain's general home, The common sewer of Paris and of Rome ! " where ingenious vice too frequently triumphs over talented worth where folly riots in the glare ST. JAMES'S PARK. 505 of luxury, and merit pines in indigent obscurity. Allans done ! another ramble, and chance may probably illustrate my observation." " Take notice," said the discriminating DASHAH to his friend, as they reached the Mall in St James's Park, " of that solitary knight of the woeful countenance ; his thread-bare raiment and dejected aspect, denote disappointment and pri- vation ; ten imperial sovereigns to a plebeian shilling, he is either a retired veteran or a dis- tressed poet." The object of curiosity, who had now seated himself, appeared to have attained the age of fifty, or more a hat that had once been black a scant- skirted blue coat, much the worse for wear a striped waistcoat his lank legs and thighs wrapt in a pair of something resembling trowsers, but " a world too wide for his shrunk shanks" short gaiters shoes in the last stage of consumption- whiskers of full dimensions his head encumbered with an unadjusted redundancy of grey hair : such were the habiliments and figure of this son of adversity ! The two friends now seated themselves on the same bench with the stranger, who, absorbed in reflection, observed not their approach. The silence of the triumvirate was broken in uoon by TOM, who, with his usual suavity of man- ners, politely addressed himself to the unknown, on the common topic of weather> et cetera, witii 3 x 500 A DISTRESSED POET. out eliciting in reply more than an assenting or dis- senting monosyllable. " You have seen some service, Sit ? * " Yes." " In the army, I presume ?'* " No." " Under Government ? " " Yes." " In the navy, probably ? " " No." " I beg your pardon," continued DASHAi,L~- " my motives originate not in idle inquisitiveness ; If I can be of any service " The stranger turned towards him an eye of inquiry. " I ask not from impertinent curiosity," resumed DASH ALL, " neither would I wish indelicately to obtrude an offer of assistance, perhaps equally un- necessary as unacceptable ; yet there are certain mu- tabilities of life wherein sympathy may be allowed to participate." " Sir," said the other, with an immediate grate- ful expansion of mind, and freedom of communi- cation " I am inexpressibly indebted for the ho- nour of your solicitude, and feel no hesitation in ac- knowledging that I am a literary writer ; but so sel- dom employed, and, when employed, so inadequately requited, that to me the necessaries of life are fre- quently inaccessible.** Here TALLYHO interrupted the narratoi 6y INTERESTING AND CURIOUS CALCULATIONS. 507 ence it was that he had adopted a profession so irVsomo, precarious, and unproduc- tive ? " Necessity," was the reply. " During a pe- iod of eight years, I performed the duties as senior Clerk of an office under Government; four years ago the establishment was broken up, with- out any provision made for its subordinate de- pendents ; and thus I became one of the twenty thruxand distressed beings in London, who rise from bed in the morning, unknowing where to "epose at night, and are indebted to chance for a odging or a dinner ! " * * The following calculation, which is curious in all its parts, cannot fail to interest the reader : The aggregate Population on the surface of the known habi- table Globe is estimated at 1000,000,000 souls. If therefore we reckon with the Ancients, that a generation lasts 30 years, then m that space 1000,000,000 human beings will be born and die j tonsequently, 91,314 must be dropping into eternity everyday, 3800 every "hour, or about 63 every minute, and more than one every second. Of these 1000,000,000 souls, 656,000,000 are supposed to be Pagans, 160,OOO,OOO Mahomedans, 9,000,000 Jews, only 1 75,000,OOO are called Christians, and of these only 50,000,000 are Protestants. There are in London 502 places of Worship one Cathedral, one Abbey, 114 Churches, 132 Chapels and Chapels of Ease, 1220 Meetings and Chapels for Dissenters, 43 Chapels for Foreigners, and 6 Synagogues for Jews. About 4050 public and private Schools, including Inns of Courts, Colleges, &c. About 8 Societies for Morals j 10 Societies for Learning and Arts; 112 Asylums for Sick and Lame j 13 Dispensaries, and 704 Friendly Societies. Charity distributed 800,000 per annum- There are about 2500 persons committed for trial in one year: ,VfS LITERATURE APPLIED TO THE ARTS. " May I ask," said Mr. DASHALL, " from what species of literary composition you chiefly derive your subsistence?" " From puffing wrking rhyming advertise- ments for certain speculative and successful candi- dates for public favour, in various avocations ; for instance, eulogizing the resplendent brilliancy of Jet or Japan Blacking the wonderful effects of Tynan- Dye and Macassar Oil in producing a lux- uriant growth and changing the colour of the hair, transforming the thinly scattered and hoary frag- ments of age to the redundant and auburn tresses of youth shewing forth that the " Riding Master to his late Majesty upwards of thirty years y and Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover, sets The annual depredations amount to about 362,100,000. There are 19 Prisons, and 5204 Alehouses within the bills of Mortality. The amount of Coin counterfeited is ^6200,000. per annum. Forgeries on the Bank of England in the year ^6150,000. About 3000 Receivers of Stolen Goods. About 10,000 Servants at all times out of place. Above 2O,OOO miserable individuals rise every morning without knowing how or by what means they are to be supported during the passing day, or where, in many instances, they are to lodge on the succeeding night. London consumes annually 112,000 bullocks ; 800,000 sheep and lambs; 212,000 calves j 210,000 hogs j 60,000 sucking pigs ; 7,000,000 gallons of milk, the produce of 9000 cows ; 10,OOO acres of ground cultivated for vegetables ; 4000 acres for fruit ; 75,OOO quarters of wheat ; 700,000 chaldrons of coalg j 1,200,500 barrels of ale and porter j 12,146,782 gallons of spirituous liquors and compounds ; 35,500 tons of wine } 17,OOO.OOO pounds of butter, 22,100,000 pounds of cheese j I4,50u ooat loads of cod O 5Q9 competition at defiance, and that all who dare pre- sume to rival the late Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover, are vile unskilful pretenders, ci-devant stable-boys, and totally undeserving the notice of an enlightened and discerning public ! In fact, Sir, I am reduced to this occasional humi- liating employment, derogatory certainly to the dignity of literature, as averting the approach of famine. I write, for various adventurers, poetical panegyric, and illustrate each subject by incontro- vertible facts, with appropriate incident and inte- resting anecdote." " And these facts," observed BOB TALLYHO, " respectably authenticated ? " " By no means," answered the Poet ; " nor is it necessary, nobody takes the trouble of inquiry, and all is left to the discretion ot the writer and the ferti- lity of his invention." " On the same theme, does not there exist," asked DASHALL, " a difficulty in giving it the ap- pearance of variety ? " " Certainly ; and that difficulty would seem quite insurmountable when I assure you, that I have written for a certain Blacking Manufacturer above two hundred different productions on the subject of his unparalleled JET, each containing fresh incident, and very probably fresh incident must yet be found for two hundred productions more ! But the misfortune is, that every thing is lett zo my invention, and the remuneration is ot u very trifling nature for such mental labour : besides, 510 BLACKING MAKER'S LAUREAT. it bis frequentlv happened that the toil has proved unavailing the production is rejected the antici- pated half-crown remains in the accumulating coffers of the Blacking-manufacturer, and the Author re- turns, pennyless and despondingly, to his attic, where, if fortune at last befriends him, he probably miy breakfast dine and sup, triajuncta in uno> at a late hour in the evening ! " " And," exclaimed the feeling DASHALL, " this is real Life in London ! " " With me actually so," answered the Poet. The Blacking-maker's Laureat now offered to the perusal of his sympathising friends the follow- ing specimen of his ability in this mode of compo- sition : PUG IN ARMOUR; OR, THE GARRISON ALARMED. " WHOE'ER on the rock of GIBRALTAK has been, A frequent assemblage of monkeys has seen Assailing each stranger with volleys of stones, As if pre-determin'd to fracture his bones ! A Monkey one day took his turn as a scout, And gazing his secret position about, A 600* caught his eye, near the spot that was plac'd, By W****n's jet Blacking transcendently grac'tf ; And, viewing his shade in its brilliant reflection, He cautiously ventured on closer inspection. The gloss on its surface return'd grin for grin, Thence seeking his new-found acquaintance wHh* He pok'd in the boot his inquisitive snout, flead and shoulders so far, that he could not #et tr ; SPECIMEN OF PUFFING. 5L Ana luus he secm'd cas'd from his head to his tail, la suit of high-burnish'd impregnable mail ! Erect on two legs then, with retrograde motion, It stalk'd ; on the Sentry impressing a notion That this hostile figure, of non-descript form, The fortress might take by manauvre or storm ! Now fixing his piece, in wild terror he bawls " A legion of devils are scaling the walls ! " The guards sallied forth 'mid portentous alarms, Signal-guns were discharged, and the drums beat to arms , And Governor then, and whole garrison, ran To meet the dread foe in this minikin man ! " A man 'tis a monkey " MIRTII loudly exclaim'd, And peace o'er the garrison then was pruclaim'd ; And Pug was released, the strange incident backing The merits, so various, of W****n's Jet Blacking." This trifle, well enough for the purpose, was ho- noured with approbation. The two friends, unwilling to offend the delicacy of the Poet by a premature pecuniary compliment at this early stage of acquaintance, took his address and departed, professing an intention of calling upon him at his lodgings in the evening. " I would not, were I a bricklayer's labourer," exclaimed BOB, " exchange situations with this unfortunate literary hack this poor devil of mental toil and precarious result, who depends for scanty subsistence on the caprice of his more fortunate inferiors, whose minds, unexpanded by liberal feel- i v \g, and absorbed in the love of SELF, and the sordid consideration of interest, are callous to the impression of benevolence! But let us hope that 512 MISERIES OF LITERARY PURSUITS. tevv such cases of genius in adveisity occur, *>ven in t\a widely extended and varied scene of human vicissitude." " That hope," Teplied his Cousin, " is founded on " The baseless fabric of a vision !" There are, at this moment, thousands in London of literary merit, of whom we may truly say, " Chill penury repress their noble rage, And freeze the genial current of the soul ! " Men unsustained by the hand of friendship, who pine in unheeded obscurity, suffering the daily privations of life's indispensable requisites, or ob- taining a scanty pittance at the will of opulent ignorance, and under the humiliating contumely, as we have just been informed, even of Blacking Ma- nufacturers ! " But here is a man, who, during a period of eight years, held a public situation, the duties of which he performed satisfactorily to the last ; and yet, on the abolition of the establishment, while the Principal retires in the full enjoyment of his ample salary, this senior Clerk and his fellows in calamity are cast adrift upon the world, to live or starve, and in the dearth of employment suitable to their habits and education, the unfortunate out- casts are left to perish, perhaps by the hand of famii*. in the streets, or that of despondency in a garret ; or, what is worse than either, consigned to Anger out their remaining wretched days undej HUMANE RETRENCHMENT. tiie " cold reluctant chanty oi a parish work- house.* " When the principal of a Public-office has bat- tened for many years on his liberal salary, and the sole duties required of him have been those of occasionally signing a few official papers, why not discontinue his salary on the abolition of the esta- blishment, and partition it out in pensions to those disbanded Clerks by whose indefatigable exertions the business of the public has been satisfactorily conducted ? These allowances, however, inade- quate to the purpose of substantiating all the com.' forts, might yet realise the necessaries of life, and, at least, would avert the dread of absolute destitu- tion." A pause ensued DASHALL continued in silent rumination a few moments brought our Heroes to the Horse Guards ; and as the acquirement " de- voutly to be wished " was a general knowledge of metropolitan manners, they proceeded to the ob- servance of REAL LIFE in a SUTTUNG HOUSE. Child's Suttling House at the Horse Guards is the almost exclusive resort of military men, who, avail- ing themselves of the intervals between duty, drop in to enjoy a pipe and pint. " Swells then thy feeling heart, and streams thine eye O'er the deserted being, poor and old, Whom cold reluctant parish-charity Consigns to mingle with his kindred mold." CHARLOTTB SMITH, 514 SUTTLING HOUSE, HORSE GUARDS. ' To fight their battles o'er again, Thrice to conquer all their foes, And thrice to slay the slain." In the entrance on the left is a small apartment, bearing the dignified inscription, in legible charac- ters on the door, of " The Non-Commissioned Officers' Room." In front of the bar is a larger space, boxed off, and appropriated to the use of the more humble heroical aspirants, the private men ; and passing through the bar, looking into Whitehall, is the Sanctum Sanctorum, for the reception of the more exalted rank, the golden -laced, three-striped, subordinate commandants, Serjeant- Majors and Serjeants, with the colour-clothed regi- mental appendants of Paymasters and Adjutants' Clerks, et cetera. Into this latter apartment our accomplished friends were ushered with becoming respect to their superior appearance, at the mo- ment when a warm debate was carrying on as to the respective merits of the deceased Napoleon and the hero of Waterloo. The advocate of the former seemed unconnected with the army : the adherent to the latter appeared in the gaudy array of a Colour-Serjeant of the Foot Guards, and was decorated with a Waterloo medal, conspicuously suspended by a blue ribbon to the upper button of his jacket ; and of this honourable badge the possessor seemed not less vain than if he had been adorned with the insignia of the most noble order of the Garter. " I contend, and I defv the universe to nrove COMPARATIVE MERITS OF TWO HEROES. 515 the contrary," exclaimed the pertinacious Serjeant in a tone of authoritative assertion, " that the Duke of Wellington is a greater man than ever did, does, or nereafter may exist ! " " By no means," answered the Civilian. " I ad- mit, so far as a thorough knowledge of military tac- tics, and a brilliant career of victory constitutes great- ness, his grace of Wellington to be a great hero, but certainly not the greatest man that ever DID, DOES, or HEREAFTER may exist /" " Is there a greater man ? Did there ever exist a greater ? when and where ? " the Serjeant impa- tiently demanded. " Buonaparte was a greater," answered the oppos- ing disputant ; " because to military renown unpa- ralleled in the annals of ancient or modern history, he added the most consummate knowledge of go- vernment; and although his actions might fre- quently partake of arbitrary sway, (arid who is the human being exempted from human frailty) yet he certainly created and sustained, in her most elevated zenith, the splendour of France, till crushed by the union of nations in arms ; and if power is the cri- terion of greatness, who was, is, or ever can be greater than the man, who, emerging from obscu- rity, raised himself solely by his mental energies to the highest elevation of human glory ; and who, this Island excepted, commanded the destinies of all Europe ! The most determined of his enemies will not deny, calmly and duly appreciating his merits, that he possessed unrivalled talent ; and this Tact 51(5 HIBERNIAN ELOGLUENCE. the hero, whose cause you so vehemently espouse, would, I have no doubt, be the foremosi in ac- knowledging." In deficiency of argument, the Serjeant resorted to invective ; the vociferous disputation reached the next room, and was taken up by the rank and^/e in a manner not less tumultuous ; when an honest native of the " Emerald Isle," good-humouredly terminated the war of words, calling for half a quartern of gin, with which to qualify a pint of Whitbread's entire. " To the immortal memory of St. Patrick, and long life to him ! " exclaimed Patrick O'Shaugh- nessy. " If there did not exist but them two selves, bad luck to the spalpeen who will say that the Duke and my Lord Londondery would not be the greatest men in the universe !" This sally led to a cessation of hostilities, which might have been followed by a definitive treaty of peace, but the daemon of discord again made its appearance in the tangible shape of a diminutive personage, who, hitherto silently occupying a snug out-of-the-way corner by the fireplace, had escaped observation. DAS HALL and his Cousin emerging from the Sanctum Sanctorum, where their presence seemed to have operated as a check on the freedom of discussion, had just seated themselves in the room allotted to die private soldiers, when, in a broad nothern accent, the aforesaid taciturn gentleman, selecting the two strangers, who, of all the com- A CYNICAL ScJTSMAN. -17 pany, seeraed alone worthy the honour of his notice, thus addressed them : " I crave your pardon, Sirs but I guess frae your manner that ye are no unacquainted wi the move- ments o! high life do you ken how lang the King means to prolong his abode amang our neebors owre the water, his hair-brain'd Irish subjects, whase notions o' loyalty hae excited sae mony preposter- ously antic exhibitions by that volatile race o' peo- ple ? " " I am not in possession," answered DASHALL, " ef any information on the subject." " By the manes of the Priest," exclaimed Mr. O'Shaughnessy, " but the King (God bless him) has visited the land of green Erin, accompanied by the spirit of harmony, and praties without the sauce of butter-milk be his portion, who does not give them both a hearty welcome ! Arrah, what mane you by a preposterous exhibition ? By hecky, the warm hearts of the sons and daughters of St. Patrick have exhibited an unsophisticated feeling of loyalty, very opposite indeed to the chilling indiffer- ence, not to say worse of it, of those his subjects at home ; and as Sir William, the big Baronet of the City, said in the House that gives laws to the land, Why should not his Majesty be cheered up a little ? " This effusion of loyalty was well received, and DASHALL and his Cousin cordially united in the general expression of approbation. "This is a' vera weel," said the Nothern } 518 A ROYAL VISIT TO SCOTLAND SUGGESTED. " but an overstrained civility wears ay the semblance o' suspicion, and fulsome adulation canna be vera acceptable to the mind o' delicate feeling: for in- stance, there is my ain country, and a mair ancient or a mair loyal to its legitimate Sovereign there disna exist on the face o' the whole earth ; wad the King condescend to honor wi' his presence the palace o' Holyrod House, he wad experience as ardent a manifestation o' fidelity to his person and govern- ment in Auld Reekie as that shown him in Dublin, though aiblins no quite sae tumultuous ; forbye, it wadna hae been amiss to hae gaen the preference to a nation whare his ancestors held sway during sae mony centuries, and whare, in the castle of Edinburgh, is still preserved the sacred regalia, with which it migh no hae been unapropos to hae graced his royal head and hand amidst the gratifying pa- geantry o' a Scotch coronation. Sure I am that North Britain has never been honored publicly wi' a royal visit. Whether ony branch o' the present reigning family hae been there incognita they best ken themselves " " You seem to have forgot," observed TALLYHO, " the visit of the Duke of Cumberland to Scotland in the year 1745." " Begging your pardon for setting you right in that particular," answered the cynic, with a most significant exoression of countenance, " that, Sir, was not a visit, but a visitation ! " " Appropriate enough," whispered DASHALL to TALLYHO. A PERTINACIOUS DISPUTANT. 519 " Augh, boderatwn to nice distinctions ! " ex- claimed O'Shaughnessy ; " here, Mister Suttler be after tipping over anoder half quartern of the cratur, wid which to drink success to the royal visitant." " And that the company may participate in the gratifying expression of attachment to their Sove- reign, Landlord," said DASHALL, " let the glass go round." " Testifying our regard for the Sovereign," re- sumed the Northern, " it canna be understood that we include a' the underlings o' Government. We ought, as in duty bound, to venerate and obey the maister o' the house ; but it is by no means neces- sary that we should pay a similar respect to his ox and his ass, his man-servant and his maid-servant. May be, had he been at hame on a late occa- sion o' melancholy solemnity, blood wadna hae been spilt, and mickle dool and sorrow wad hae been avoided." " We perfectly understand your allusion," said one from the group of Life-guardsmen : " Of us now present there were none implicated in the unfortunate occurrences either of that day or a subsequent one : yet we must not silently hear our comrades tra- duced perhaps then it maybe as well to drop tlu- subject." " I canna think o' relinquishing a topic o' dis- course," answered the Northern, " replete wi' mickle interest, merely at your suggestion ; it may be ye did your duty in obeying the commands, on that lamentable occasion, o' your superior officers, 520 PEACE RESTORED HORSE GUARDS. and it is to be hoped that the duty o' the country, towards those with whom originated the mischief, will not be forgotten ; there is already on record against the honour o' your corps a vera serious verdick." Here the Life-guardsmen spontaneously started up ; but the immediate interposition of DASHALL averted the impending storm ; while TALLYHO, imitating the generosity of his Cousin, ordered the circulation once more of the bottle, to Unanimity betwixt the military and the people. Harmony thus restored, the two friends took their leave, amidst the grateful acknowledgments of the company, O'Shaughnessy swearing on their departure, that doubtless the two strangers were begot in Ireland, although they might have come over to England to be born! While the pertinacious Northern ob- served, that appearances were aften deceitful, although, to be sure, the twa friends had vera mickle the manners o' perfectly well-bred gentlemen, and seem'd, forbye, to hae a proper sense o' na- tional honor. Proceeding into Whitehall, TALLYHO, much ad- mired the statue-like figures of the mounted sen- tries in the recesses by the gate of the Horse- guards ; the relief had just approached ; the pre- cision of retirement of the one party, and advance to its post of the other : the interesting appearance of the appropriately caparisoned and steady de- meanour of the horses, and their instinctive know- edge of military duty, excited deservedly pro* OLD HABITS THE MILLER'S HOUSE. 521 longed attention. " One would think," said TAL- LYIIO, " that these noble animals are really actu- ated by reasoning faculties." " Hereafter," replied DASHALL, " you will still more incline to this opinion, when we have an op- portunity of being present on a cavalry field-day in Hyde Park, where manoeuvre will appear to have at- tained its acme of perfection, as much from the wonderful docility of the horse as the discipline of the rider."* " But hold, who have we here ? Our friend Sparkle, gazing about him with an eye of inquisitive incertitude, as if in search of lost property." As his two friends approached, he seemed bewil- dered in the labyrinth of conjecture. " I have lost my horse ! " he exclaimed, in answer to the * Not long since some cavalry horses, deemed " unfit for further service," were sold at Tattersal's. Of one of these a Miller happened to be the purchaser. Subservient now to the ignoble purposes of burthen, the horse one day was led, with a sack of flour on his back, to the next market-town j there while the Miller entered a house for a few moments, and the animal quietly waited at the door, a squadron of dragoons drew up in an adjacent street, forming by sound of trumpet j the instant that the Miller's horse heard the well-known signal, it started off with as much celerity as its burthen admitted, and, to the great amusement of the troop, and astonishment of the specta- tors, took its station in the ranks, dressing in line, with the accustomed precision of an experienced veteran in the service ; 28 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. pleasing sensations, that structure in front of which so many human beings expiate their offences with their lives, without, in any degree, the frequency of the dreadful example lessening the perpetration of crime, " The crowd thickens, exclaimed the 'Squire ; and advancing into Smithfield, a new scene opened on the view of the astonished TAL- LY.HO. An immense and motley crowd was wedged together in the open space of the market, which was surrounded by booths and shows of every de- scription, while the pavement was rendered nearly impassable by a congregated multitude, attracted by the long line of stalls, exhibiting, in ample redundancy, the gorgeously gilt array of ginger- bread monarchs, savory spice-nuts, toys for children and those of elder growth, and the numerous other ct cetera of BARTHOLOMEW FAIR, which at that moment the Lord Mayor of London, with accus- tomed state and formality, was in the act of pro- claiming. A more dissonant uproar now astounded the ears of BOB than ever issued from the hounds at fait in the field or at variance in the kennel ! The prolonged stunning and vociferous acclama- tion of the mob, accompanied by the deeply sono- rous clangor of the gong the shrill blast of the trumpet the hoarse-resounding voices of the mountebanks, straining their lungs to the pitch of extremity, through speaking tubes the screams of women and children, and the universal combi- nation of discord, announced the termination of BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 529 the Civic Sovereign's performance in the drama ; " the revelry now had began," and all was ob- streperous uproar, and " confusion worse con- founded." In the vortex of the vast assemblage, the Hon. TOM DASHALL and his Cousin were more closely hemmed in than they probably would have been at the rout of female distinction, where inconve- nience is the order of the night, and pressure, to the dread of suffocation, the criterion of rank and fashion. Borne on the confluent tide, retreat was impracticable ; alternately then, stationary and advancing with the multitude, as it urged its slow and undulating progress ; or paused at the attrac- tions of Wombwell and Gillmans rival menageries the equestrian shows of Clark and Astley the theatres of Richardson and Gyngell, graced by the promenade of the dramatis persona and lure of female nudity the young giantess the dwarfs and the accomplished lady, who, born without arms, cuts out watch -papers with her toes, and takes your likeness with her teeth ! Amidst these and numerous other seductive impediments to their progress, our pedestrians, resisting alike temptation and invitation, penetrated the mass of spectators, and gained an egress at Long Lane, uninjured in person, and undamaged in property, " save and except" the loss, by BOB, of a shoe, and the rent frock of his honourable Cousin. To repair the one and replace the other was now tnc predominant consideration. By fortunate proxi- 530 A KNIGHT OF THE NEEDLE. mity to a descendant, of St. Crispin, the latter object was speedily effected ; but the difficulty of finding, in that neighbourhood, a knight of the thimble, appearing insurmountable, the two friends pursued their course, DAS HALL drawing under his arm the shattered skirts of his garment, until they reached Playhouse Yard, in Upper Whitecross Street, St. Luke's, to which they had been pre- viously directed, the epitome of Monmouth Street, chiefly inhabited by tailors and old clothes re- tailers, where purchase and repair are equally available. Entering a shop occupied by an intelligent Scotch tailor, who, with his son, was busily employed in making up black cloth and kerseymere waistcoats, his spouse, a native of Edinburgh, with a smile of complacency and avidity of utterance that strongly indicated a view to the main chance, put her usual inquiiy : " What is your wull, Gentlemen what wad you please to want ? " " My good lady," answered DASH ALL, " we would be glad to accept the services of your hus- band," exhibiting at same time the rent skirts of his frock. " This accident was sustained in passing, or rather in being squeezed through the Fair ; my friend too, experienced a trifling loss ; but, as it has been replaced, I believe that he does not require pre- sent amendment." The materials destined to form the black waist- coats were then put aside, while the northern VARIANCE OF OPINION. 531 adept in the exercise of the needle proceeded to operate on the fractured garment ; and a coat being supplied, ad interim, TOM and his friend accepted the hospitable invitation of the guid wife y and seated themselves with unhesitating socia- bility. " And sae ye hae been to the Fair, gentlemen ? ** " We have, madam," said DASHALL, " and un- intentionally so ; we were not, until on the spot, aware of any such exhibition, and got within its vortex just as the Lord Mayor had licensed, by proclamation, the commencement of this annual scene of idleness, riot and dissipation ! " " Hoot awa, Sir, ye wadna wish to deprive us o* our amusements ; poor folks dinna often enjoy pleasure, and why should na they hae a wee bit o' it now and then, as weel as the rich ? " " I know not, my good lady," exclaimed BOB, " that I can altogether assimilate with your's my ideas of pleasure ; if it consists in being pressed nearly to death by a promiscuous rabble, in at- tempts on your pocket, shoes trod off your feet by the formidable iron-cased soles of a' drayman's pon- derous sandals, to say nothing of the pleasing effect thus produced upon your toes, and in having the coat torn off from your back, I would freely resign to the admirers of such pleasure the full benefit of its enjoyment." " Accidents wull happen ony where and in ony t *'ui*ion w " replied the garrulous wife ; " ye may 53*2 A VISIT TO THE POET. be thankfu', gentlemen, that its nae waur, and, for the matter o' the rent frock, my guid man wull repair it in sic a way that the disaster wull no be seen, and the coat wull look as weel as ever." The promise was verified ; the reparation was made with equal neatness and celerity ; something beyond the required remuneration was given ; and DASHALL inquiring if the worthy dame of Auld Reekie would take a drop of cordial, the friendly offer was accepted,, and the glass of good fellowship having been drank, and civilities interchanged, the strangers departed. They were now in Whitecross Street, where sojourned their acquaintance of the morning, the distressed Poet ; and, from the accuracy of descrip- tion, had no difficulty in ascertaining his place of residence. It was in a public-house ; a convenient lodging for the forlorn being, who, exiled from friendship, and unconnected by any ties of consanguinity, can dress his scanty meal by a gratuitous fire, and where casual generosity may sometimes supply him with a draught of Hanbury's exhilarating beverage. At the bar, directly facing the street door, the strangers, on inquiring for the Poet by name, were directed by the landlord, with a sarcastical expression of countenance, to " THE FIRST FLOOR down the. chimney!" while the Hostess, whose de- meanour perfectly accorded with that tf tic vuA- THB ROOST OF GENIUS. 533 manner'd gentlewoman, politely interfered, and, shewing the parlour, sent a domestic to acquaint her lodger that he was wanted below stairs. The summons was instantaneously obeyed ; but as the parlour precluded the opportunity of private conversation, being partly occupied by clamorous butchers, with whom this street abounds to redun- dancy, the Poet had no -other alternative than that of inviting the respectable visitants to his attic, or, as the Landlord facetiously named the lofty domicile, his first floor down the chimney ! REAL LIFE IN LONDON must be seen, to be believed. The Hon. TOM DASH ALL and his friend TALLYHO were reared in the lap of luxury, and never until now formed an adequate conception of the distressing privations attendant on suffering hu- manity. With a dejection of spirits evidently occasioned by the humiliating necessity of ushering his polished friends into the wretched asylum of penury, the Poet jed the way with tardy reluctancy, while his visitors regretted every step of ascent, under the appalling circumstance of giving pain to adversity ; yet they, felt that to recede would be more indelicate than to advance. The apartment which they now entered seemed a lumber room, for the reception of superfluous or unserviceable furniture, containing not fewer than eleven decayed and mutilated chairs of varied description ; and the limited space, to make the most of it in a pecuniary point of view, was en- 534 PRODUCE OF LITERARY PURSUITS. croached upon by three uncurtained beds, of most impoverished appearance, while, exhibiting the ravages of time in divers fractures, the dingy walls and ceiling, retouched by the trowel in many places with a lighter shade of repairing material, bore no unapt resemblance to the Pye-bald Horse in Chiswell-street ! Calculating on its utility and probable future use, the builder of the mansion had given to this room the appendage of a chimney, but evidently it had for many years been unconscious of its usual accompaniment, fire. Two windows had originally admitted the light of heaven, but to reduce the duty, one was internally blocked up, while externally uniformity was pre- served. A demolished pane of glass in the re- maining window, close to which stood a small dilapidated table, gave ingress to a current of air; the convenient household article denominated a clothes-horse, stood against the wall ; and several parallel lines of cord were stretched across the room, on which to hang wet linen, a garret being consi- dered of free access to all the house, and the comfort or health of its occupant held in utter derision and contempt ! Here then, * In the worst Inn's worst room, with cobwebs hung, The walls of plaster and the floors of dung," entered DASH ALL and his Cousin TALLYHO. The latter familiarly seating himself on the ricketty remains of what had once been an arm-chair, but now a cripple, having lost one of its legs, the A REAL LUXURY. 53 precarious equilibrium gave way under the unaccus- tomed shock of the contact, and the 'Squire came to the ground, to his no small surprise, the confusion of the poet, and amusement of DASHALL ! With many apologies for the awkwardness of their very humble accommodation, and grateful expression of thanks for the honour conferred upon him, the Poet replaced TALLYHO in a firmer seat, and a silence of some few moments ensued, the two friends being at a loss in what manner to explain, and the Poet unwilling to inquire the object of their visit. DASHALL began at last, by observing that in pursuit of the knowledge of Real Life in London, he and his accompanying friend had met with many incidents both ludicrous and interesting ; but that in the present instance their visit was rather influenced by sympathy than curiosity, and that where they could be serviceable to the interest of merit in obscurity, they always should be happy in the ex- ercise of a duty so perfectly congenial with their feelings. Many years had elapsed since the person, to whom these remarks were addressed, had heard the voice of consolation, and its effect was instantaneous ; his usual sombre cast of countenance became brightened by the glow of cheerful animation, and he even dwelt on the subject of his unfortunate circumstances with jocularity : " The elevated proximity of a garret," he oo- served, " to the sublimer regions, has often been 536 ftUANTUM VERSUS ftOAIITY. resorted to as the roost of genius ; and why should I, of the most slender, if any, literary pretensions, complain ? And yet my writings, scattered amongst the various fugitive periodical publications of this and our sister island, if collected together, would form a very voluminous compilation." " I have always understood," said BOB, " that the quality, not the quantum, constituted the fame of an author's productions." " True, Sir," answered the Poet ; " and I meant not the vanity of arrogating to myself any merit from my writings, with reference either to quantum or quality. I alluded to the former, as merely proving the inefficacy of mental labour in realizing the necessaries of life to an author whom celebrity declines acknowledging. Similarly situated, it would appear, was the Dutchinajn mentioned by the late Doctor Walcot. " My Broder is te poet, look, As all te world must please, For he heb wrote, py Got, a book So big as all this cheese! " " On the other hand, Collins, Hammond, and Gray, wrote each of them but little, yet their names will descend to posterity ! And had Gray, of his poems the Bard, and the Elegy in a Country Church Yard, written only one, and written nothing else, he had required no other or better passport to immortality! " * * Of that great and multitudinous writer, Doctor Samuel Johnson, the following anecdote is told : " Being one morning PUBLISHING BY SUBSCRIPTION. 0.37 In this opinion the visitants, who were both well conversant with our native literature, readily ac- quiesced. " Have you never," asked DASHALL, " thought of publishing a volume by subscription ? " " I meditated such intention," answered the Poet, " not long ago ; drew up the necessary Prospectus, with a specimen of the Poetry, and perambulated the Metropolis in search of patronage. In some few in- stances I was successful, and, though limited the number, yet the high respectability of my few Sub- scribers gave me inexpressible satisfaction ; several of our nobility honoured me with their names, and others, my patrons, were of the very first class of literature. Nevertheless, I encountered much contumelious reception ; and after an irksome and unavailing perseverance of a month's continuance, I was at last compelled to relinquish all hope of success. " Having then on my list the name of a very worthy Alderman who lately filled the Civic Chair with honour to himself and advantage to his fellow- citizens, I submitted my prospectus in an evil hour to another Alderman, a baronet, of this here and that there notoriety ! in the library at Buckingham House honoured with the pre- sence of Royalty, the King, his late Majesty, inquired why he, (Mr. Johnson) did not continue to write. " May it please your Majesty," answered the Doctor, " I think I have written enough." " I should have thought so too," his Majesty re- plied, " if, Doctor Johnson, you had not written so well." 38 WEALTH AND IGNORANCE " Waiting in his Banking-house the result of my application, he condescended to stalk forth from the holy of holies, his inner room, with the lofty de- meanor of conscious importance, when, in the presence of his Clerks and others, doubtless to their great edification and amusement, the following col- loquy ensued, bearing in his hand my unlucky Prospectus, with a respectful epistle which had ac- companied it : " Are you the writer," he asked in a majesterial tone, " of this here letter ? " " I am, Sir W*****m, unfortunately!" " Then," he continued, " you may take them there papers back again, I have no time to read Prospectuses, and so Mister Poet my compliments, and good morning to you ! ! ! '* " These literally were his words ; and such was the astounding effect they produced on my mind, that, although I had meant to have passed through the Royal Exchange, I yet, in the depth of my reverie, wandered I knew not where, and, before recovering my recollection, found myself in the centre of London Bridge ! " The detail of this fact, so charateristic of rude, ungentlemanly manners, and the barbarian igno- rance of this great man of little soul, excited against him, with DASHALL and his friend, a min- gled feeling of ridicule, contempt and reprobation ! " REAL LIFE IN LONDON still ! " exclaimed TAL- LYHO ; " intellect and indigence in a garret, and wealth and ignorance in a banking-house ! I IN A BANKING HOUSE. 539 would at least have given him, in deficiency of other means, the wholesome castigation of reproof." " I did," said the Poet, " stung to the quick by such unmerited contumely, I retired to my attic, and produced a philippic named the Recantation : I can- not accommodate you at present with a copy of the Poem, but the concluding stanzas I can repeat from memory : t c****s, thy house in Lombard Street Affords thee still employment meet, Thy consequence retaining j For there thy Partners and thy Clerks Must listen to thy sage remarks, Subservient, uncomplaining. And rob'd in Aldermanic gown, With look and language all thy own, Thou mak'st thy hearers stare, When this here cause, so wisely tried, Thou put'st with self-applause aside, To wisely try that there. Nor can thy brother Cits forgret When thou at civic banquet sate, And ask'd of Heaven a boor. , A toast is call'd, on thee all eyes Intent, when peals of laughter rise A SPBEDY peace and SOON ! Nor yet orthography nor grammar, Vain effort on thy pate to hammer, Impregnable that fort is ! Witness thy toast again, Three C$ ; For who would think that thou by these Meant Cox, and King, and Curtis ' 540 MUTUAL GRATIFICATION. C**** S) though scant thy sense, yet Heaven To thee the better boon hast given Of wealth; then sense despise, And deem not Fate's decrees amiss, For still " where ignorance is bliss, 'Tis folly to be wise ! " " Bravo! exclaimed DASHALL; " re-issue your Prospectus, my friend, and we will accelerate, with our best interest and influence, the publication of your volume. Let it be dedicated to the Hon. TOM DASHALL and his Cousin BOB TALLYHO. In the meanwhile, accept this trifle, as a complimentary douceur uniformly given on such occasions; and, amidst the varied scenes of REAL LIFE IN LONDON, I shall frequently recur to the present as the most gratifying to my feelings." " By this the sun was out of sight, And darker gloamin brought the night." The benevolent associates now departed, pleased with the occurrences of the day, and, more than all, with the last, wherein the opportunity was afforded them of extending consolation and relief to GENIUS IN ADVERSITY ! SYMPTOMS ,OF ALARM. CHAP. XXIV. "Mark! He who would cnt the knot that does entwine And link two loving hearts in unison, May have man's form ; but at his birth, be sure out, Some devil thrust sweet nature's hand aside Ere she had pour'd her balm within his breast, To warm his gross and earthly mould with pity. I know what 'tis When worldly knaves step in with silver beards, To poison bliss, and pluck young souls asunder." 1 o M and his Cousin were surprised the next morn- ing by a visit from Mr. Mortimer and his friend Merrywell, whose dismal features and long visages plainly indicated some unpleasant disaster, and TOM began to fear blame would be attached to them for leaving his party at Darkhouse Lane. " Pray," said Merrywell, " can you tell me where to find your friend Sparkle ? " " Indeed," replied DASHALL, a little relieved by this question, " I am not Sparkle's keeper ; but pray be seated what is the matter, is it a duel, do you want a second ? I know he is a good shot." " This levity, Sir," said Mortimer, " is not to be borne. The honour of a respectable family is at and must be satisfied. No doubt you, as \ and so help him G d, the thing wants no buttering up^ because he is willing to give his share for such a trifle." This conversation was suddenly interrupted by a violent crash just behind them, as they passed Drury Lane Theatre in their way through Russel Court; and BOB, upon turning to ascertain from whence such portentous sounds proceeded, dis- covered that he had brought all the Potentates of the Holy Alliance to his feet. The Alexanders, the Caesars, the Buonapartes, Shakespeares, Aadi- * Steeoen A flash term for money. t Swap To make an exchange, to barter one article for another. J A swindler or cheat. Smack the l>\t To share the booty. || Blowing the gap Making any thing known. ^f Buttering up rruisiug or lUttering. 558 A NEW METHOD. sons and Popes, lay strewed upon the pavement, in one undistinguished heap, while a poor Italian lad with tears in his eyes gazed with indescribable anxiety on the shapeless ruin * Vat shall me do ? dat man knock him down all brokt you pay Oh ! mine Godt, vat shall do ! ' This appeal was made to DASHALL and TALLYHO, the latter of whom the poor Italian seemed to fix upon as the author of his misfortune in upsetting his board of plaster images ; and although he was perfectly unconscious of the ac- cident, the appeal of the vender of great personages had its desired effect upon them both; and find- ing themselves quickly surrounded by spectators, they gave him some silver, and then pursued their way. " These men," said DASHALL, " are generally an industrious and hard-living people ; they walk many miles in the course of a day to find sale for their images, which they will rather sell at any price than carry back with them at night; and it is really wonderful how they can make a living by their traffic." " Ha, ha, ha," said a coarse spoken fellow fol- lowing " how the Jarman Duck diddled the Dandies just now did you twig how he queered the coves out of seven bob for what was not worth thrums* The Yelper^- did his duty well, and * Thrums A flash term for threepence. t The YelperA. common term given to a poor fellow sub- ject, who makes very pitiful lamentations on the most trifling accidents. OF FLAT CATCHING. 559 finger'd the white wool* in good style. I'm d d if he was not up to slum, and he whiddied their wat- tles with the velvet, and floored the town toddlers easy enough" " How do you mean ? " said his companion. " Why you know that foreign blade is an ould tyke about this quarter, and makes a good deal of money many a twelver^ does he get by buying up broken images of persons who sell them by whole- sale, and he of course gets them for little or nothing : then what does he do but dresses out his board, to give them the best Appearance he can, and toddles into the streets, touting^, for a good customer. The first genteel bit of flash he meets that he thinks will dub up the possibles,^ he dashes down the board, breaks all the broken heads, and appeals in a pitiful way for remuneration for his loss ; so that nine times out of ten he gets some Johnny-raw or other to stump up the rubbish" " Zounds ! " said DASH ALL, " these fellows are smoking us ; and, in the midst of my instructions to guard you against the abuses of the Metropolis, we have ourselves become the dupes of an im- postor." " Well," said TALLYHO, " it is no more than a Wliite wool Silver. t Twelver A shilling. J Touting Is to be upon the sharp look out. To dub up the possibles To stand the nonsense are nearly synonimous, and mean will pay up any demand rather than be detained. 560 DISPATCHING A CUSTOMER. practical illustration of your own observation, that it is ' scarcely possible for any person to be at all times secure from the arts and contrivances of your ingenious friends the Londoners ; though I confess I was little in expectation of finding you, as an old practitioner, so easily let in." "It is not much to be wondered at," conti- nued TOM, " for here we are in the midst of the very persons whose occupations, if such they may be termed, ought most to be avoided ; for Covent Garden, and Drury Lane, with their neighbour- hoods, are at all times infested with swindlers, sharpers, whores, theives, and depredators of all descriptions, for ever on the look out. It is not long since a man was thrown from a two-pair of stairs window in Charles Street,* which is just by, * A circumstance of a truly alarming and distressing nature, to which DASIIALL alluded in this place, was recently made known to the public in the daily journals, and which should serve as a lesson to similar adventurers. It appeared that a young man had been induced to enter a house of ill fame in Charles Street, Covent Garden, by one of its cyprian inmates, to whom he gave some money in order for her to provide them with supper ; that, upon her return, he de- sired to have the difference between what he had given and what she had expended returned to him, which being peremptorily re- fused, he determined tn leave the house. On descending the stair-case for which purpose, he was met by some men, with whom he had a violent struggle to escape ; they beat and bruised him most unmercifully, and afterwards threw him from a two- pair of stairs window into the street, where he was found by the Watchman with his skull fractured* ind in a state of insen- THE RADICAL ttUAKER. 561 having been decoyed into a house of ill fame by a Cyprian, and this in a situation within sight of the very Police Office itself in Bow Street ! " " Huzza ! ha, ha, ha, there he goes," vociferated by a variety of voices, now called their attention, and put an end to their conversation ; and the appearance of a large concourse of people running up Druiy Lane, engrossed their notice as they approached the other end of Russel Court. On coming up with the crowd, they found the cause of the vast assemblage of persons to be no other than a Quaker * decorated with a tri-coloured sibility. We believe all attempts have hitherto proved fruitless to bring the actual perpetrator or perpetrators of this diabolical deed to punishment. * BOW-STREET. Thursday morning an eccentric personage, who has for some time been seen about the streets of the Me- tropolis in the habit of a Quaker, and wearing the tri-coloured cockade in his broad white hat, made his appearance at the door of this office, and presenting a large packet to one of the offi- cers, desired him, in a tone of authority, to lay it instantly be- fore the Magistrate. The Magistrate (G. R. Minshull, Esq.) having perused this singular paper, inquired for the person who brought it ; and in the next moment a young man, in the garb of a Quaker, with a broad-brimmed, peaceful-looking, drab- coloured beaver on his head, surmounted by a furious tri- coloured cockade, was brought before him. This strange ano- malous personage having placed himself very carefully directly in front of the bench, smiled complacently upon his Worship, and the following laconic colloquy ensued forthwith : Magistrate Did you bring this letter ? Quaker Thou hast said it. Magistrate What Js your object in bringing it ? 4 B 562 LACONIC COLLOaUY. cockade, who was very quietly walking with a Police Officer, and exhibiting a caricature of him- self mounted on a velocipede, and riding over cor- ruption, &c. It was soon ascertained that he had Quaker Merely to let thee know what is going on in the world and, moreover, being informed that if I came to thy office, I should be taken into custody, I was desirous to ascer- tain whether that information was true. Magistrate Then I certainly shall not gratify you by ordering you into custody. Quaker Thou wilt do as seemeth right in thy eyes. I assure thee I have no inclination to occupy thy time longer than is profitable to us, and therefore I will retire whenever thou shalt signify that my stay is unpleasant to thee. Magistrate Why do you wear your hat ? are you a Quaker ? Quaker Thou sayest it but that is not my sole motive for wearing it. To be plain with thee, I wear it because I chose to do so. Canst thee tell me of any law which compels me to take it off? Magistrate I'll tell you what, friend, I would seriously re- commend you to retire from this place as speedily as possible Quaker I take thy advice farewell. Thus ended this comical conversation, and the eccentric friend immediately departed in peace. The brother of the above person attended at the office on Satur- day, and stated that the Quaker is insane, that he was proprietoi )f an extensive farm near Ryegate, in Surrey, for some years 3 but that in May last his bodily health being impaired, he was confined for some time, and on his recovery it was found that his intellects were affected, and he was put under restraint, but recovered. Some tune since he absconded from Ryegate, and his friends were unable to discover him, until they saw the account of his eccentricities in the newspapers. Mr. Squire was desirous, if he made his appearance again at the office, he should be detained. The Magistrate, as a cause fo/ the detention of the BARKERS. 563 accepted an invitation from one of the Magistrates of Bow Street to pay him a visit, as he had done the day before, and was at that moment going before him. " I apprehend he is a little cracked" said TOM ; " but however that may be, he is a very harmless sort of person. But come, we have other game in view, and our way lies in a different direction to his." " Clothes, Sir, any clothes to-day ? " said an im- portunate young fellow at the corner of one of the courts, who at the same time almost obstructed their passage. Making their way as quickly as they could from this very pressing personage, who invited them to walk in. " This," said TOM. " is what we generally call a Barker. I believe the title originated with the Brokers in Moorfields, where men of this descrip- tion parade in the fronts of their employers' houses, incessantly pressing the passengers to walk in and buy household furniture, as they do clothes in Rosemary Lane, Seven Dials, Field Lane, Hounds- ditch, and several other parts of the town. Ladies' dresses also used to be barked in Cranbourn Alley and the neighbourhood of Leicester Fields; how- ever, the nuisance has latterly in some measure Quaker, swore the brother to these facts. About three o'clock the Quaker walked up Bow-street, when an officer conducted him to the presence of the Magistrate, who detained liiui, and at seven o'clock delivered him into the care of his brother. 504 MOCK AUCTIONS. abated. The Shop-women in that part content themselves now-a-days by merely inviting stran- gers to look at their goods ; but Barkers are still to be found, stationed at the doors of Mock Auc- tions, who induce company to assemble, by bawling " Walk in, the auction is now on," or " Just going to begin." Of these mock auctions, there have been many opened of an evening, under the imposing glare of brilliant gas lights, which throws an unusual degree of lustre upon the articles put up for sale. It is not however very difficult to distinguish them from the real ones, notwith- standing they assume all the exterior appearances of genuineness, even up to advertisements in the newspapers, purporting to be held in the house of a person lately gone away under embarrassed cir- cumstances, or deceased. They are denominated Mock Auctions, because no real intention exists on the part of the sellers to dispose of their articles under a certain price previously fixed upon, which, although it may not be high, is invariably more than they are actually worth : besides which, they may be easily discovered by the anxiety they evince to show the goods to strangers at the moment they enter, never failing to bestow over- strained panegyrics upon every lot they put up, and asking repeatedly " What shall we say for this article ? a better cannot be produced ; " and promising, if not approved of when purchased, to change it. The Auctioneer has a language suited to all companies, and, according to his view of a A MISTAKE CORRECTED. 565 customer, can occasionally jest, bully* or perplex him into a purchase. " The goods must be sold at what they will fetch ; " and he declares (not- withstanding among his confederates, who stand by as bidders, they are run up beyond the real value, in order to catch a flat,) that " the present bidding can never have paid the manufacturer for his labour." In such places, various articles of sriver, plate, glass and household furniture are exposed to sale, but generally made up of damaged materials, and slight workmanship of little intrinsic value, for the self-same purpose as the Razor-seller states " Friend, (cried the Razor-man) I'm no knave j As for the razors you have bought, Upon my soul ! I never thought That they would shave." " Not shave !" quoth Hodge, with wond'ring eyes, And voice not much unlike an Indian yell ; " What were they made for then, you dog ?" he criea " Made ! (quoth the fellow with a smile) to sell." Passing the end of White Horse Yard " Here," continued TOM, " in this yard and the various courts and alleys which lead into it, resides nume- rous Girls in the very lowest state of prostitution ; and it is dangerous even in the day time to pass their habitations, at aJ J events very dangerous tc enter any one of them. Do you see the crowd oi squalid, half-clad and half-starved creatures that surround the old woman at the corner ? Observe, that young thing without a stocking is stealing 566 PAWNBROKERS. along with a bottle in one hand and a gown in the other ; she is going to put the latter up the spout* with her accommodating Uncle,^- in order to obtain a little of the enlivening juice of the juniper to fill the former." . * Up the spout, or up the fine Are synonimous in their im- port, and mean the act of pledging property with a Pawnbroker for the loan of money most probably derived from the practice of having a long spout, which reaches from the top of the house of the Pawnbroker (where the goods are deposited for safety till redeemed or sold) to the shop, where they are first received ; through which a small bag is dropped upon the ringing of a bell, which conveys the tickets or duplicates to a person above stairs, who, fipon finding them, (unless too bulky) saves himself the trouble and loss of time of coming down stairs, by more readily conveying them down the spout. t Uncle, sometimes called the Ferrit, or the Print Cant terms for Pawnbroker, though many of these gentlemen now assume the more reputable appellation of Silversmiths. They are willing to lend money upon all sorts of articles of household furniture, linen, plate, wearing appare* jewellery, &c. with a certainty of making a very handsome profit upon the money so circulated. There are in this Metropolis upwards of two hundred and thirty Pawnbrokers , and in some cases they are a useful and ser- viceable class of people ; and although doubtless many of them are honest and reputable persons, there are still among them a class of sharpers and swindlers, who obtain licences to carry on the business, and bring disgrace upon the respectable part of the profession. Every species of fraud which can add to the distresses of those who are compelled to raise temporary supplies of money is resorted to, and for which purpose there are abun- dance of opportunities. In many instances however the utility of these persons, in preventing a serious sacrifice of property, cannot be denied ; for, by advancing to tradesmen and mechanics temporary loans upon articles of value at a period of necessity, CRAFT EXPOSED. 567 " Surely," said TALLYHO, " no person coula possibly be inveigled by her charms ? " an opportunity of redeeming them is afforded, when by their industrious exertions their circumstances are improved. Many of them however are receivers of stolen goods, and, under cover of their licence, do much harm to the public. Indeed, the very easy mode of raising money by means of the Pawnbrokers, ope- rates as an inducement, or at least an encouragement, to every species of vice. The fraudulent tradesman by their means is enabled to raise money on the goods of his creditors, the servant to pledge the property of his employer, and the idle or profligate mechanic to deposit his working tools, or his work in an unfi- nished state. Many persons in London are in the habit of pawn- ing their apparel from Monday morning till Saturday night, when they are redeemed, in order to make a decent appearance on the next day. In low neighbourhoods, and among loose girls, much business is done by Pawnbrokers to good advantage ; and con- siderable emolument is derived from women of the town. The articles they offer to pledge are generally of the most costly na- ture, and the pilferings of the night are usually placed in the hands of an Uncle the next morning ; and the wary money- lenders, fully acquainted with their necessities, just lend what they please ; by which means they derive a wonderful profit, from the almost certainty of these articles never being re- deemed. The secresy with which a Pawnbroker s business is conducted, though very proper for the protection of the honest and well- mean ing part of the population, to shield them from an exposure which might perhaps prove fatal to their business or credit, ad- mits of great room for fraud on the part of the Money-lender ; more particularly as it respects the interest allowed upon the pawns. Many persons are willing to pay any charge made, rather than expose their necessities by appearing before a Magistrate,and acknowledging they have been concerned in such transactions Persons who are in the constant habit of pawning, are gene- rally known by the Pawnbrokers, in most instances governed THE BITER BIT. * " They are not very blooming just now, answered his Cousin " you do not see her in a by their will, and compelled to take and pay just what they please. Again, much injury arises from the want of care in the Pawnbroker to require a proper account, from the Pledgers, of the manner in which the goods offered have been obtained, as duplicates are commonly given upon fictitious names and resi- dences. Notwithstanding the care and attention usually paid to the examination of the articles received as pledges, these gentlemen are sometimes to be duped by their customers. We remember an instance of an elderly man, who was in the habit of bringing a Dutch clock frequently to a Pawnbroker to raise the wind, and for safety, generally left it in a large canvass bag, till he became so regular a customer, that his clock and bag were often left without inspection ; and as it was seldom deposited for long together, it was placed in some handy nook of the shop in order to be ready for redemption. This system having been carried on for some time, no suspicion was entertained of the old man. Upon one occasion however the Pawnbroker's olfactory nerves were saluted with a smell of a most unsavoury nature, for which he could by no means account day after day passed, and no discovery was made, till at length he determined to overhaul every article in his shop, and if possible discover the source of a nuisance which appeared rather to increase than abate : in doing which, to his utter astonishment, he found the old man's Dutch clock transformed into a sheep's head, enclosed in a small box similar in shape and size to that of the clock. It will scarcely be necessary to add, that, being in the heat of summer, the sheep's head when turned out was in a putrid state, and as green as grass. The Pawnbroker declared the old gentleman's works were out of repair, that he himself was out of tune, and even- tually pledged himself never to be so taken in again. After all, however, it must be acknowledged that my Uncle is a very ac- commodating man. My Uncle's * OF PROSTITUTION. S()9 right tig/it. It is impossible to contemplate the cases of these poor creatures without dropping a tear of pity. Originally seduced from a state of inno- cence, and eventually abandoned by their seducers, as well as their well-disposed parents or friends, they are left at an early age at large upon the world ; loathed and avoided by those who formerly held them in estimation, what are they to do ? It is said by Shakespeare, that " Sin will pluck on sin." They seem to have no alternative, but that of con- tinuing in the practice which they once too fatally " My Uncles the man, I've oft said it before, Who is ready and willing to open his door ; Tho' some, on the question may harbour a doubt, He's a mill to grind money, which I call a spout. Derry down. He has three golden balls which hang over his Which clearly denote that my Uncle's not poor ; He has money to lend, and he's always so kind, He will lend it to such as leave something behind. Derry down. If to music inclin'd, there's no man can so soon Set the hooks of your gamut to excellent tune ; All his tickets are prizes most carefully book'd, And your notes must be good, or you're presently hook'd. Derry down Shirts, shoes, and flat-irons, hats, towels, and ruffs, To him are the same as rich satins or stuffs , From the pillows you lay on, chairs, tables, or sacks, He'll take all you have, to the togs on your backs. Derry down. 4 c ' 5/0 REGULAR GRADATIONS. begun, in which the major part of them end a short life of debauchery and wretchedness, " Exposed to the rude insults of the inebriated and the vulgar the impositions of brutal officers and watchmen to the chilling blasts of the night during the most inclement weather, in thin apparel, partly in compliance with the fashion of the day, but more frequently from the Pawnbrokers shop rendering their necessary garments inaccessible, dis- eases (where their unhappy vocation does not pro- duce them) are thus generated. " Many are the gradations from the highest de- gree of prostitution down to the trulls that parade the streets by day, and one or two more steps still include those who keep out all night. Some of the miserable inhabitants of this quarter are night- birds, who seldom leave their beds during the day, except to refresh themselves with a drop of Old Tom; but as the evening approaches, their busi- ness commences, when you will see them decked Then ye who are needy, repair to your friend, Who is ready and willing your fortunes to mend j He's a purse full of rhino, and that's quite enough, Tho* short in his speech, he can shell out short stuff". Derry down. What a blessing it is, in this place of renown To know that we have such an Uncle in town -, In all cases, degrees, in all places and stations, Tis a good thing to know we've such friendly relations, Derry down. WARDROBE ACCOMMODATIONS. 071 out like fine ladies, for there are coves of cases,* and others in the vicinity of the Theatres, who live by letting out dresses for the evening, where they may be accommodated from a camesa^f to a richly embroidered full-dress court suit, under the care of spies, who are upon the look-out that they don't brush off with the stock. Others, again, are boarded and lodged by the owners of houses of ill-fame, kept as dirty and as ragged as beggars all day, but who, " Dress'd out at night, cut a figure." It however not unfrequently happens to those un- happy Girls who have not been successful in their pursuits, and do not bring home with them the wages of their prostitution, that they are sent to bed without supper, and sometimes get a good beating into the bargain ; besides which, the Mis- tress of the house takes care to search them imme- diately after they are left by their gallants, by which means they are deprived of every shilling.'* Approaching the City, they espied a crowd of per- sons assembled together round the door of Money the perfumer. Upon inquiring, a species of depreda- tion was exposed, which had not yet come under their view. It appeared that a note, purporting to come from a gentleman at the Tavistock Hotel, desiring Mr. Money to wait on him to take measure of his * Coves of cases Keepers of houses of ill fume t Camesa A shirt or shift. , 572 NEW SPECIES OF DEPREDATION. cranium for a fashionable peruke, had drawn him from home, and that during his absence, a lad, in breathless haste, as if dispatched by the principal, entered the shop, stating that Mr. Money wanted a wig which was in the window, with some combs and hair -brushes, for the Gentleman's inspection, and also a pot of his Circassian cream. The bait took, the articles were packed up, and the wily cheat had made good his retreat before the return of the coif- feur, who was not pleased with being seduced from his home by a hoaxing letter, and less satisfied to find that his property was diminished in his absence by the successful artifices of a designing villain. This tale having got wind in the neighbourhood, persons were flocking round him to advise as to the mode of pursuit, and many were entertaining: each other by relations of a similar nature; but our heroes having their friend Merrywell in view (or rather his interest) made f he best of their way to flie Lock-up-house. THE IOCK-UP HOUHC. 573 CHAP. XXV. " The world its trite opinion holds of those That in a world apart these bars enclose ; And thus methinks some sage, whose wisdom frame* Old saws anew, complacently exclaims, Debt is like death it levels all degrees; Their prey with death's fell grasp the bailiffs seize." ON entering the Lock-up House, BOB felt a few uneasy sensations at hearing the key turned. The leary Bum-trap ushered the Gemmen up stairs, while TALLYHO was endeavouring to compose his agitated spirits, and reconcile himself to the prospect before him, which, at the moment, was not of the most cheering nature. " What, my gay fellow," said Merrywell, " glad to see you was just going to scribble a line to inform you of my disaster. Zounds ! you look as melancholy as the first line of an humble petition, or the author of a new piece the day after its dam- nation." " In truth," replied BOB, " this is no place to in- spire a man with high spirits." " That's as it may be," rejoined Merrywell " l man with money in his pocket may see as mud: REAL LIFE IN LONDON within these walls as those who ramble at large through the masses of what is termed liberty." ,')74 REAL LIFE WITH JOHN DOE, ETC. But," continued TOM, " it must be admitted that the views are more limited." " By no means," was the reply. " Here a man is at perfect liberty to contemplate and cogitate without fear of being agitated. Here he may trace over past recollections, and enjoy future anticipations free from the noise and bustle of crowded streets, or the fa- tigue of attending fashionable routs, balls, and as- semblies. Besides which, it forms so important a part of Life in London, that few without a residence in a place of this kind can imagine its utility. It invigorates genius, concentrates ingenuity, and sti- mulates invention." " Hey dey ! " said TALLYHO, looking out of the window, and perceiving a dashing tandem draw up to the door " who have we here ? some high com- pany, no doubt." " Yes, you are right ; that man in the great coat, who manages his cattle with such dexterity, is no other than the king of the castle. He is the major domo, OF, in other words, the Bailiff himself. That short, stout-looking man in boots and buckskins, is his as- sistant, vulgarly called his Bum.* The other is a Gentleman desirous of lodging in a genteel neigh- bourhood, and is recommended by them to take up his residence here." " What," inquired BOB, " do Bailiffs drive gigs and tandems ? " " To be sure they do,** was the reply ; " formerly * See Bum-trap, page ^54. IMPROVEMENT AND ACCOMMODATIONS. O/ 5 tl.cy were low-bred fellows, who would undertake any dirty business for a maintenance, as you will see them represented in the old prints and caricatures, muffled up in great coats, and carrying bludgeons ; but, in present Real Life, you will find them quite the reverse, unless they find it necessary to assume a disguise in order to nibble a queer cove who proves shy of their company ; but among Gentlemen, none are so stylish, and at the same time so accommodating you are served with the process in a private and elegant way, and if not convenient to come to an immediate arrangement, a gig is ready in the highest taste, to convey you from your habitation to your place of retirement, and you may pass through the most crowded streets of the city, and recognise your friends, without fear of suspicion. Upon some occasions, they will also carry their politeness so far as to inform an individual he will be waitted on such a day, and must come a circumstance which has the effect of preventing any person from knowing the period of departure, or the place of destination ; con- sequently, the arrested party is gone out of town for a few days, and the matter all blows over without any injury sustained. This is the third time since I have been in the house that the tandem has started from the door, and returned with a new impor- tation." By this lime, the gig having been discharged of its cargo, was reasccnck-d by the Master and his man, and bowl'd off again in gay style for the fur- .',/() EVKRY THING DONE BY PROXY. ther accommodation of fashionable friends, whose so- ciety was in such high estimation, that no excuse or denial could avail, and who being so urgently wanted, must come. " Tis a happy age we live in," said Merrywell ; " the improvements are evident enough ; every thing is done with so much facility and gentility, that even the race of bailiffs are transformed from frightful and ferocious-looking persons to the most dashing, polite and accommodating characters in the world. He however, like others, must have his assistant, and occasional substitute. " A man in this happy era is really of no use whatever to himself. It is a principle on which every body, that is any body, acts, that no one should do any thing for himself, if he can procure another to do it for him. Accordingly, there is hardly the most simple performance in nature for the more easy execution of which an operator or machine of some kind or other is not employed or invented ; and a man who has had the misfortune to lose, or chuses not to use any of his limbs or senses, may meet with people ready to perform all their functions for him, from paring his nails and cutting his corns, to forming an opinion. No man cleans his own teeth who can afford to pay a den- tist ; and hundreds get their livelihood by shaving the chins and combing the hair of their neighbours, though many, it must be admitted, comb their neighbours locks for nothing. The powers of man elements of nature even are set aside, the BOYAL AND NOBLE EXAMPLES. 5/7 use of limbs and air being both superseded by steam ; in short, every thing is done by proxy death not excepced, for we are told that our soldiers and sailors die for us. Marriage in cer- tain ranks is on this footing. A prince marries by proxy, and sometimes lives for ever after as if he thought all the obligations of wedlock were to be performed in a similar manner. A nobleman, it is true, will here take the trouble to officiate in the first instance in person ; but there are plenty of cases to shew that nothing is further from his noble mind than the idea of continuing his slavery, while others can be found to take the labour off his hands. So numerous are the royal roads to every desideratum, and so averse is every true gentleman from doing any thing for himself, that it is to be dreaded lest it should grow impolite to chew one's own victuals ; and we are aware that there are great numbers who, not getting their share of Heaven's provision, may be said to submit to have their food eat for them." TALLYHO laugh'd, and DASHALL signified his assent to the whimsical observations of Merrywcll, by a shrug of the shoulders and an approving smile. " Apropos," said Merry well " what is the news ot our friend Sparkle ?" " O, (replied TOM) he is for trying a chance in the Lottery of Life, and has perhaps by this time gained the prize of Matrimony:* but what part * It has often been said figuratively, that marriage is a lot- tt-ry ; but we do not recollect to have met with a practical illu* - 4 D 378 LOTTERY OF MARRIAGE. of the globe he inhabits it is impossible for me to say however, he is with Miss Mortimer probably on the road to Gretna." " Success to his enterprise," continued Merry- well ; " and if they are destined to travel through life together, may they have thumping luck and pretty children. Marriage to some is a bitter cup of con- tinued misery may the reverse be his lot." " Amen," responsed DASHALL. " By the way," said Merrywell, " I hope you will favour me with your company for the after- noon, and I doubt not we shall start some game within these walls well worthy of pursuit; and as I intend to remove to more commodious apart- ments within a day or two, I shall certainly expect to have a visit from you during my abode in the county of Surrey.*' " Going to College?" inquired TOM. " Yes ; I am off upon a sporting excursion for a month or two, and l / have an idea of making it yield both pleasure and profit. An occasional tration of the truth of the simile before the following, which is a free translation of an Advertisement in the Louisiana Gazette : " A young man of good figure and disposition, unable though " desirous to procure a Wife without the preliminary trouble of " amassing a fortune, proposes the following expedient to ob- " tain the object of his wishes : He ofiers himself as the prize " of a Lottery to all Widows and Virgins under 32 : the num- " ber of tickets to be GOO at 50 dollars each ; but one number " to be drawn from the wheel, the fortunate proprietor of which " is to be entitled to himself und the 30,ooo dollars. New York * America. SHARP-SHOOTING AND SKIRMISHING. 5/9 residence in Abbot's Park is one of the necessary measures for the completion of a REAL LIFE IN LONDON educatipn. It is a fashionable retreat ab- solutely necessary, and therefore I have voluntarily determined upon it. What rare advice a young man may pick up in the precincts of the Fleet and the King's Bench ! He may soon learn the art of sharp- shooting and skirmishing." " And pray," says TALLYHO, " what do you term skirmishing ?" " I will tell you," was the reply. " When you have got as deeply in debt every where as you can, you may still remain on the town as a Sunday-man for a brace of years, and with good management perhaps longer. Next you may toddle off to Scot- land for another twelvemonth, and live in the sanctuary of Holyrood House, after seeing the North, where writs will not arrive in time to touch you. When tired of this, and in debt even in the sanctuary, and when you have worn out all your friends by borrowing of them to support you in style there, you can brush off on a Sunday to the Isle of Man, where you are sure to meet a parcel of blades who will be glad of your company if you are but a pleasant fellow. Here you may live awhile upon them, and get in debt (if you can, for the Manx-men have very little faith,) in the Island. From this, you must lastly effect your escape in an open boat, and make your appearance in London as a new face. Here you will find sou e 580 LIVING BY THE W!Tfl. flats of your acquaintance very glad to see you, even if you are indebted to them, from the plea- sures of recollection accruing from past scenes of jollity and merriment. You must be sure to amuse them with a good tale of a law-suit, or the declin- ing health of a rich old Uncle, from either of which you are certain of deriving a second fortune. Now manage to get arrested, and you will find some, *ho believe your story, ready to bail you. You can then put off these actions for two years more, and afterwards make a virtue of surrendering your- self in order to relieve your friends, who of course will begin to be alarmed, and feel so grateful for this supposed mark of propriety, that they will support you for a while in prison, until you get white-washed. In all this experience, and with such a long list of acquaintances, it will be hard if some will not give you a lift at getting over your difficulties. Then you start again as a nominal Land-surveyor, Money -scrivener, Horse-dealer, or as a Sleeping-partner in some mercantile concern such, for instance, as coals, wine, &c. Your popularity and extensive acquaintance will get your Partner a number of customers, and then if you don't succeed, you have only to become a Bank- rupt, secure your certificate, and start free again in some other line. Then there are other good chances, for a man may marry once or twice. Old or sickly women are best suited for the purpose, and their fortunes will help you for a year or two A FANCY SKETCH. 581 at least, if only a thousand or two pounds. Lastly, make up a purse, laugh at the flats, and finish on the Continent." " Very animated description indeed," cried DASH- ALL, " and salutary advice, truly." " Too good to be lost," continued Merrywell. " And yet rather too frequently acted on, it is to be feared." " Probably so " But mark me, this is fancy's sketch," and may perhaps appear a little too highly coloured ; but if you remain with me, we will dip deeper into the reality of the subject by a little information from the official personage himself, who holds domi-- nion over these premises ; and we may perhaps also find some agreeable and intelligent company in his house." This proposition being agreed to, and directions given accordingly by Merrywell to prepare dinner, our party gave loose to opinions of life, observations on men and manners, exactly as they presented themselves to the imagination of each speaker, and Merrywell evidently proved himself a close observer of character. " Places like this," said he, " are generally in- habited by the profligate of fashion, the ingenious artist, or the plodding mechanic. The first is one who cares not who suffers, so he obtains a dis- charge from his incumberances : having figured away for some time in the labyrinths of folly and extravagance, till finding the needful run taper, THE UNIVERSAL TALISMAN. he yields to John Doe and Richard Roe as a matter of t course, passes through his degrees in the study of the laws by retiring to the Fleet or King's Bench, and returns to the world with a clean face, and an increased stock of information to continue his career. The second, are men who have heads to contrive and hands to execute improvements in scientific pursuits, probably exhausting their time, their health, and their property, in the com- pletion of their projects, but who are impeded in their progress, and compelled to finish their inten- tions in durance vile, by the rapacity of their cre- ditors. And the last, are persons subjected to all the casualties of trade and the arts of the former, and unable to meet the peremptory demands of those they are indebted to ; but they seldom in- habit these places long, unless they can pay well for their accommodations. Money is therefore as useful in a lock-up-house or a prison as in any other situa- tion of life. " Money, with the generality of people, is every thing ; it is the universal Talisman ; there is magic in its very name. It ameliorates all the miserable circumstances of life, and the sound of it may almost be termed life itself. It is the balm, the comfort, and the restorative. It must indeed be truly mor- tifying to the opulent, to observe that the attach- ment of their dependents, and even the apparent esteem of their friends, arises from the respect paid to riches. The vulgar herd bow witn reve- rence and respect before the wealthy; but it is in I A VISITING PARTY AT MR. DOE*S. 583 fact the money, and not the individual, uhich they worship. Doubtless, a philosophic Tallow-chandler would hasten from the contemplation of the starry heavens to vend a farthing rushlight ; and it there- fore cannot be wondered at that the SherifTs- officer, who serves you with a writ because you have not money enough to discharge the just de- mands against you, should determine at least to get as much as he can out of you, and, when he finds your resources exhausted, that he should remove you to the common receptacle of debtors ; which however cannot be done to your own satisfaction without some money ; for if you wish a particular place of residence, or the most trifling accommo- dation, there are fees to pay, even on entering a prison." " In that case then," said TALLYHO, " a man is actually obliged to pay for going to a prison." " Precisely so, unless he is willing to mingle with the very lowest order of society. But come, we will walk into the Coffee-room, and take a view of the inmates." Upon entering this, which was a small dark room, they heard a great number of voices, and in one corner found several of the prisoners sur- rounding a Bagatelle-board, and playing for porter, ale, &c. ; in another corner was a young man in close conversation with an Attorney ; and a little further distant, was a hard-featured man taking instructions from the Turnkey how to act. Here was a poor Player, who declared he would take the 584 LIVING WITHIN BOUNDS. benefit of the Act, and afterwards take a benefit at the Theatre to re-establish himself. There a Poet racking his imagination, and roving amidst the flowers of fancy, giving a few touches by way of finish to an Ode to Liberty, with the produce of which he indulged himself in a hope of obtaining the subject of his Muse. The conversation was of a mingled nature. The vociferations of the Bagatelle-players the whispers of the Attorney and his Client and the declarations of the prisoner to the Turnkey, " That he would be d d if he did not sarve 'em out, and floor the whole boiling of them," were now and then interrupted by the notes of a violin playing the most lively airs in an animated and tasteful style. The Performer how- ever was not visible, but appeared to be so near, that Merrywell, who was a great lover of music, beckoned his friends to follow him. They now entered a small yard at the back of the house, the usual promenade of those who resided in it, and found the Musician seated on one of the benches, which were continued nearly round the yard, and which of itself formed a panorama of rural scenery. Here was the bubbling cascade and the lofty foun- tain there the shady grove of majestic poplars, and the meandering stream glittering in the re- splendent lustre of d rising sun. The waving foli- age however and the bubbling fountain were not to be sefen or heard, (as these beauties were only to be contemplated in the labours of the painter ;) out to make up for the absence of these with the THE PLEASURES OF CONFINEMENT. 585 harmony of the birds and the ripplings of the stream, the Musician was endeavouring, like an Arcadian shepherd with his pipe, to make the woods resound with the notes of his fiddle, surrounded by some of his fellow-prisoners, who did not fail to applaud his skill and reward his kindness, by sup- plying him with rosin, as they termed it, which was by handing him the heavy-wet as often as they found his elbow at rest. In one place was to be seen a Butcher, who, upon his capture was visited by his wife with a child in her arms, upon whom the melody seemed to have no effect. She was an in- teresting and delicate-looking woman, whose agita- tion of spirits upon so melancholy an occasion were evidenced by streaming tears from a pair of lovely dark eyes; and the Butcher, as evidently forgetful of his usual calling, was sympathising with, and endeavouring to sooth her into composure, and fond- ling the child. In another, a person who had the appearance of an Half-pay Officer, with Hessian boots, blue pantaloons, and a black silk handkerchief, sat with his arms folded almost without taking notice of what was passing around him, though a rough Sailor with a pipe in his mouth occasionally enlivened the scene by accompanying the notes of the Musician with a characteristic dance, which he termed a Horn- spike* It was a fine scene of Real Life, and after taking a few turns in the gardens of the Lock-up or Sponging-house, they returned to Merrywell's apart- 4> 5S6 HOW TO LIVE FOR TEN YEARS. ments, which they had scarcely entered, when the tandem drew up to the door. " More company," said Merrywell. " And perhaps the more the merrier," replied TOM. "That is as it may prove," was the reply; " for the company of this house are as various at times as can be met with in any other situation. How- ever, this appears to wear the form of one of our fashionable, high-life Gentlemen; but appearances are often deceitful, we shall perhaps hear more of him presently he may turn out to be one of the prodigals who calculate the duration of life at about ten years, that is, to have a short life and a merry one." " That seems to me to be rather a short career, too," exclaimed BOB. " Nay, nay, that is a long calculation, for it fre- quently cannot be made to last half the number. In the first place, the Pupil learns every kind of ex- travagance, which he practises en maitre the two next years. These make an end of his fortune. He lives two more on credit, established .while his pro- perty lasted. The next two years he has a letter of licence, and contrives to live by ways and means (for he has grown comparatively knowing.) Then he marries, and the wife has the honour of discharg- ing his debts, her fortune proving just sufficient for the purpose. Then he manages to live a couple of vears more on credit, and retires to one of his Ma- jesty's prisons." AN ACCOMMODATING HOST. 587 By this time Mr. Safebind made his appearance, and with great politeness inquired if the Gentle- men were accommodated in the way they wished ? Upon being assured of this, and requested to take a seat, after some introductory conversation, he gave them the following account of himself and his business : " We have brought nine Gemmen into the house this morning' and, though I say it, no Gemman goes out that would have any objection to come into it again." TALLYHO shrugg'd up his shoulders in a way that seemed to imply a doubt. " For," continued he, " a Gemman that is a Gemman shall always find genteel treatment here. I always acts upon honour and secrecy ; and if as how a Gemman can't bring his affairs into a comfortable shape here, why then he is convey'd away without exposure, that is, if he understands things." With assurances of this kind, the veracity of which no one present could doubt, they were enteitained for some time by their loquacious Host, who, having the gift of the gab>* would probably have continued long in the same strain of important information ; when dinner was placed on the table, and they fell too with good appetites, seeming almost to have made use of the customary grace among theatricals." -J- * Gift of the gab Fluency of speech. f It is a very common thing among the minor theatrical^ when detained at rehearsals, &c. to adjourn to some convenient room in the neighbourhood for refreshment, and equally coin- 588 AN HARMONIOUS PARTY. " The table cleared, the frequent glass goes round, And joke and song and merriment abound." "Your house," said DASHALL, "might well be termed the Temple of the Arts, since their real votaries are so frequently its inhabitants." " Very true, Sir," said Safebind, " and as the Poet observes, it is as often graced by the presence of the devotees to the Sciences: in point of com- pany he says we may almost call it multum in parvo, or the Camera Obscura of Life. There are at this time within these walls, a learned Alchymist, two Students in Anatomy, and a Physician a Poet, a Player, and a Musician. The Player is an adept at mimiciy, the Musician a good player, and the Poet no bad stick at a rhyme ; all anxious to turn their talents to good account, and, when mingled together, productive of harmony, though the situa- tion they are in at present is rather discordant to their feelings; but then you know 'tis said, that discord is the soul of harmony, and they knocked up a duet among themselves yesterday, which I thought highly amusing." " I am fond of music," said Merrywell " do you think they would take a glass of wine with us ?" " Most readily, no doubt," was the reply. " I will introduce them in a minute." Thus saying, he left the room, and in a very few minutes returned with mon for thm to commence operations in a truly dramatic way, by exclaiming to each other in the language of Shakespeare, " Come on, Macbeth come on, Macduff, . And d d be he who first cries hold, enough." LIFE IN A LOCK-UP HOySE. . r .80 the three votaries of Apollo, who soon joined in the conversation upon general subjects. The Player now discovered his loquacity ; the Poet his sagacity ; and the Musician his pertinacity, for he thought no tones so good as those produced by himself, nor no notes we beg pardon, none but hank notes equal to his own. It will be sufficient for our present purpose to add, that the bottle circulated quickly, and what with the songs of the Poet, the recitations of the Player, and the notes of the Fiddler, time, which perfects all intellectual ability, and also destroys the most stupendous monuments of art, brought the sons of Apollo under the table, and admonished DASHALL and his Cousin to depart ; which they ac- cordingly did, after a promise to see their friend Merrywell in his intended new quarters. A SUCCESSFUL ELECTION CHAP. XXVI. " All natious boast some men of nobler nund, I 'ITieir scholars, heroes, benefactors kind . And Britain has her share among tbe rest, Of men the wisest, boldest and the best : Yet we of knaves and fools have ample share, And eccentricities beyond compare. Full many a life u- spent, and many a purse, In mighty nothings, or in something worse/' THE next scene which TOM was anxious to intro- duce to his Cousin's notice was that of a Political Dinner; but while they were preparing for depar- ture, a letter arrived which completely satisfied the mind of the Hon. TOM DASH ALL as to the motives and views of their friend Sparkle, and ran as fol- lows : " DEAR DASHALL, " Having ri vetted the chains of matrimony on the religious anvil of Gretna Green, I am now one of the happiest fellows in existence. My election is crowned with success, and I venture to presume all after- petitions will be rejected as frivolous and vexatious The once lovely Miss Mortimer is now the ever to be loved Mrs. Sparkle. I shall not now detain your attention by an account of our proceedings or adven- tures on the road : we shall have many more con- venient opportunities of indulging in such details POLITICAL INFERENCES. 591 when we meet, replete, as I can assure you, they are with interest. " I have written instructions to my agent in town for the immediate disposal of my paternal estate in Wiltshire, and mean hereafter to take up my abode on one I have recently purchased in the Neighbour- hood of Belville Hall, where I anticipate many plea- surable opportunities of seeing you and our friend TALLY HO surrounding my hospitable and (hereafter) family board. We shall be there within a month, as we mean to reach our place of destination by easy stages, and look about us. " Please remember me to all old friends in Town, and believe as ever, Your's truly, " Carlisle." CHARLES SPARKLE." The receipt of this letter and its contents were im- mediately communicated to young Mortimer, who had already received some intelligence of a similar nature, which had the effect of allaying apprehension and dismissing fear for his Sister's safety. The mys- terious circumstances were at once explained, and harmony was restored to the previously agitated family " I am truly glad of this information," said TOM, " and as we are at present likely to be politically engaged, we cannot do less than take a bumper or two after dinner, to the health and happiness of the Candidate who so emphatically observes, he 592 PATRIOTIC INTENTION*. has gained his election, and, in the true language ol every Patriot, declares he is the happiest man alive, notwithstanding the rivets by which he is bound." " You are inclined to be severe," said TALLYHO. " By no means," replied DASHALL ; " the lan- guage of the letter certainly seems a little in conso- nance with my observation, but I am sincere in my good wishes towards the writer and his amiable wife. Come, we must now take a view of other scenes, hear long speeches, drink repeated bumpers, and shout with lungs of leather till the air resounds with peals of approbation. " We shall there see and hear the great men of the nation, Or at least who are such in their own estimation.' " Great in the name a patriot father bore, Behold a youth of promise boldly soar, Outstrip his fellows, clamb'ring height extreme, And reach to eminence almost supreme. With well-worn mask, and virtue's fair pretence, And all the art of smooth-tongued eloquence, He talks of wise reform, of rights most dear, Till half the nation thinks the man sincere." " Hey day," said TALLYHO, " who do you apply this to ?" " Those who find the cap fit may wear it," was the reply " I leave it wholly to the discriminating few who can discover what belongs to themselves, without further comment." By this time they had arrived at the Crown and Anchor Tavern, in the Strand, where they^found a POLITICAL DINNER. 593 great number of persons assembled, Sir F. B having been announced as President. In a icw minutes he was ushered into the room with all aue pomp and ceremony, preceded by the Stewards for the occasion, and accompanied by a numerous body of friends, consisting of Mr. H , Major C , and others, though not equally prominent, equaLy zealous. During dinner time all went on smoothly, except in some instances, where the voracity of some of the visitors almost occasioned a chopping off the fingers of their neighbours ; but the cloth once re- moved, and ' Non nobis Domine' sung by professiona. Gentlemen, had the effect of calling the attention of the company to harmony. The Band in the orchestra played, ' O give me Deuth or Liberty' * Erin go brach' ' Britons strike home' and ' Whilst happy in my native Land.' The Singers introduced ' Scots wha hae wi' Wallace bled' ' Peruvians wake to Glory' and the 'Tyrolese Hymn.' But the spirit of oratory, enlivened by the fire of the bottle, exhi- bited its illuminating sparks in a blaze of lustre which eclipsed even the gas lights by which they were surrounded ; so much so, that the Waiters themselves becamed confused, and remained stationary, or, when they moved, were so dazzled by the patriotic effusions of the various Speakers, that they fell over each other, spilt the wine in the pockets of the company, and, by making afterwards a hasty retreat, left them to fight or argue between each other for supposed liberties taken even by their immediate friends. 4F 594 PATRIOTIC EBULLITIONS CHECKED. Unbridled feelings of patriotic ardour appeared to pervade every one present ; and what with the splendid oratory of the speakers, and the deafening vocifera- tions of the hearers, at the conclusion of what was generally considered a good point, a sufficient indica- tion of the feelings by which they were all animated was evinced. At the lower end of the table sat a facetious clerical Gentleman, who, unmindful of his ministerial duties, was loud in his condemnation of ministers, and as loud in his approbation of those who gave them what he repeatedly called a good hit. But here a subject of great laughter occurred ; for Mr. Marrowfat, the Pea-merchant of Co vent- Garden, and Mr. Barrow- bed, the Feathermonger of Drury Lane, in their zeal for the good cause, arising at the same moment, big with ardour and sentiment, to address the Chair on a subject of the most momentous importance in their consideration, and desirous to signalize themselves individually, so completely defeated their objects by over anxiety to gain precedence, that they rolled over each other on the floor, to the inexpressible amuse- ment of the company, and the total obliteration of their intended observations ; so much so, that the harangue meant to enlighten their friends, ended in a fine colloquy of abuse upon each other. The bottles, the glasses, and the other parapher- nalia of the table suffered considerable diminution in he descent of these modern Ciceros, and a variety of speakers arising upon their downfall, created so much ANOTHER BEAR-GARDEN. 595 confusion, that our Heroes, fearing it would be some time before harmony could be restored, took up their hats and walked. " Now," said DASHALL, as they left the house, " you have had a full view of the pleasantries of a Political Dinner ; and having seen the characters by which such an entertainment is generally attended, any further account of them rs almost rendered useless." " At least," replied TALLYHO, " I have been gra- tified by the view of some of the leading men who contribute to fill up the columns of your London Newspapers." " Egad !" said his Cousin, " now I think of it, there is a fine opportunity of amusing ourselves for the remainder of the evening by a peep at another certain house in Westminster : whether it may be assimilated, in point of character or contents, to what we have just witnessed, I shall leave you, after taking a review, to determine." " What do you mean ?" inquired TALLYHO. " Charley's, my boy, that's the place for sport, something in the old style. The Professors there are all of the ancient school, and we shall just be in time for the first Lecture. It is a school of science, and though established upon the ancient construction, is highly suitable to the taste of the moderns." " Zounds !" replied BOB, " our heads are hardly "in cue for philosophy after so much wine and noise ; we had better defer it to another opportunity.*' 596 CHARLEY'S THEATRE. " Nay, nay, now's the very time for it it will revive the recollection of some of your former sports ; " For, midst our luxuries be it understood, Some traits remain of rugged hardihood." Charley is a good caterer for the public appetite, and, to diversify the amusements of a Life in JLon- don, we will have a little chaff among the Bear- baiters" TALLYHO stared for a moment ; then burst into laughter at the curious introduction his Cousin had give to this subject. " I have long perceived your talent for embellishment, but certainly was not prepared for the conclusion ; but you ought rather to have denominated them Students in Natural History" " And what is that but a branch of Philosophy ?" inquired DASH ALL. " However, we are discussing points of opinion rather than hastening to the scene of action to become judges of facts Allans." Upon saying this, they moved forward with in- creased celerity towards Tothill-fields, and soonreacned their proposed place of destination. On entering, TALLYHO was reminded by his Cousin to button up his toggery, keep his ogles in action, and be awake. " For," said he, " you will here have to mingle with some of the queer Gills and rum Covies of all ranks." This advice being taken, they soon found them- selves in this temple of torment, where BOB sur- veyed a motly group assembled, and at that mo- BEAR-BAITING SPORTS. 597 ment engaged in the sports of the evening. The generality of the company bore the appearance o Butchers, Dog-fanciers and Ruffians, intermingled here and there with a few Sprigs of Fashion, a few Corinthian Swells* Coster-mongers, Coal-heavers, Watermen, Soldiers, and Li very- servants. The bear was just then pinn'd by a dog belong- ing to a real lover of the game, who, with his shirt- sleeves tuck'd up, declared he was a d d good one, and nothing but a good one, so help him G d. This dog, at the hazard of his life, had seized poor Bruin by the under lip, who sent forth a tremendous howl indicative of his sufferings, and was endeavouring to give him a fraternal hug; many other dogs were barking aloud with anxiety to take an active share in the amusement, while the bear, who was chained by the neck to a staple in the wall, and compelled to keep an almost erect posture, shook his antagonist with all the fury of madness produced by excessive torture. In the mean time bets were made and watches pull'd forth, to de- cide how long the bow-wow would bother the ragged Russian. The Dog-breeders were chaffing each other upon the value of their canine property, each hold- ing his brother-puppy between his legs, till a fair opportunity for a let-loose offered, and many wagers were won and lost in a short space of time. BOB remained a silent spectator ; while his Cousin, who was better up to the gossip, mixt with the hard-fea- tured sportsmen, inquired the names of their dogs, vhat prices were fix'd upon, when they had fought 598 REAL AMATEURS. last, and other questions equally important to ama- teurs. Bruin got rid of his customers in succession as they came up to him, and when they had once made a seizure, it was generally by a hug which almost deprived them of life, at least it took from them the power of continuing their hold; but his release from one was only the signal for attack from another. While this exhibition continued, TOM could not help calling his Cousin's attention to an almost bald- headed man, who occupied a front seat, and sat with his dog, which was something of the bull breed, be- tween his legs, while the paws of the animal rested on the top rail, and which forcibly brought to his recollection the well-known anecdote of Garrick and the Butcher's dog with his master's wig on, while the greasy carcass-dealer was wiping the perspiration from his uncovered pericranium. BOB, who had seen a badger-bait, and occa- sionally at fairs in the country a dancing bear, had never before seen a bear-bait, stood up most of the time, observing those around him, and paying attention to their proceedings while entertaining sen- timents somewhat similar to the following lines : " What boisterous shouts, what blasphemies obscene, What eager movements urge each threatening mien ! Present the spectacle of human kind, Devoid of feeling destitute of mind ; With ev'ry dreadful passion rous'd to flame, All sense of justice lost and sense of shame." THE CORONATION. 599 When Charley, the proprietor thought his bear was sufficiently exercised for the night, he was led to his den, lacerated and almost lamed, to recover of his wounds, with an intention that he should " fight his battles o'er again." Meanwhile TOM and BOB walk'd homeward. The next day having been appointed for the coro- nation of our most gracious Sovereign, our friends were off at an early hour in the morning, to secure their seats in Westminster Hall ; and on their way they met the carriage of our disappointed and now much lamented Queen, her endeavours to obtain admission to the Abbey having proved fruitless. " Oh that the Monarch had as firmly stood In all his acts to serve the public good, As in that moment of heartfelt joy That firmness acted only to destroy A nation's hope to every heart allied, Who lived in sorrow, and lamented died !" It was a painful circumstance to DASHALL, who was seldom severe in his judgments, or harsh in his cen- sures. He regretted its occurrence, and it operated in some degree to rob a splendid ceremony of its magnificence, and to sever from royalty half its dignity. The preparations however were arranged upon a scale of grandeur suited to the occasion. The exterior of Westminster Hall and Abbey presented a most Interesting appearance. Commodious seats were erected for the accommodation of spectators to view 600 CORONATION BANQUET. the procession in its moving order, and were thronged with thousands of anxious subjects to greet their Sovereign with demonstrations of loyalty and love, It was certainly a proud day of national festivity. The firing of guns and the ringing of bells announced the progress of the Coronation in its various stages to completion ; and in the evening Hyde Park was brilliantly and tastefully illuminated, and an extensive range of excellent fire-works were discharged under the direction of Sir William Congreve. We must however confine ourselves to that which came under the view of the Hon. TOM DASHALL and his Cousin, who, being seated in the Hall, had a fine opportunity of witnessing the banquet, and the challenge of the Champion. A flooring of wood had been laid down in the Hall at an elevation of fourteen inches above the flags. Three tiers of galleries were erected on each side, covered with a rich and profuse scarlet drapery falling from a cornice formed of a double row of gold- twisted rope, and ornamented with a succession of magnificent gold pelmets and rosettes. The front of the door which entered from the passage without, was covered with a curtain of scarlet, trimmed with deep gold fringe, and looped up on each side with silken ropes.' The floor, and to the extremity of the first three steps of the Throne, was covered with a splendid Persian-pattern Wilton carpet, and the remainder of the steps with scarlet baize. The canopy of the throne, which was square, was surrounded by a beautiful carved and gilt cornice, pre- CORONATION SPLENDOUR. GO I pared by Mr. Evans. Beneath the cornice hung a succession of crimson-velvet pelmet drapery, each pelmet having embroidered upon it a rose, a thistle, a crown, or a harp. Surmounting the cornice in front was a gilt crown upon a velvet cushion, over the letters " GEO. IV." supported on each side by an antique gilt ornament. The entire back of the throne, as well as the interior of the canopy, were covered with crimson Genoa velvet, which was relieved by a treble row of broad and narrow gold lace which surrounded the whole. In the centre of the back were the royal arms, the HOH and the unicorn rampant, embroidered in the most costly style. Under this stood the chair of state, and near the throne were six splendid chairs placed for the other members of the royal family. These decorations, and the Hall being splendidly illu- minated, presented to the eye a spectacle of the most imposing nature, heightened by the brilliant assem- blage of elegantly dressed personages. The Ladies universally wore ostrich feathers, and the Gentlemen were attired in the most sumptuous dresses. About four o'clock, his Majesty having gone through the other fatiguing ceremonies of the day, entered the Hall with the crown upon his head, and was greeted with shouts of " Long live the King !" from all quarters ; shortly after which, the banquet was served by the necessary officers. But that part of the ceremony which most attracted the attention of TALLYHO, was the challenge of the Champion, whose entrance was announced by the sound of the trumpets thrice ; and who having proceeded on a 4 G 602 THE CHAMPION. beautiful horse in a full suit of armour, under tne porch of a triumphal arch, attended by the Duke of Wel- lington on his right, and the Deputy Earl Marshal ou his left, to the place assigned him, the challenge was read aloud by the Herald : he then threw down his gauntlet, which having lain a short time, was re- turned to him. This ceremony was repeated three times ; when he drank to his Majesty, and received the gold cup and cover as his fee. The whole of this magnificent national pageant was conducted throughout with the most scrupulous attention to the customary etiquette of such occa- sions ; and TALLYHO, who had never witnessed any thing of the kind before, ana consequently could flave no conception of its splendour, was at various parts of the ceremony enraptured ; he fancied him- self in Fairy-land, and that every thing he saw and heard was the effect of enchantment. Our friends returned home highly gratified with their day* amusement. FANCY SPORTS. flf)3 CHAP. XXVII. " Behold the Ring ! how strange the group appear* Of dirty blackguards, commoners and peers ; Jews, who regard not Moses nor his laws, All ranks of Christians eager in the cause. What eager bets what oaths at every breath, Who first shall shrink, or first be beat to death. Thick fall the blows, and oft the boxers fall, While deaf 'ning shouts for fresh exertions call ; Till, bruised and blinded, batter'd sore and maim'd, One gives up vanquish'd, and the other laiu'd. Say, men of wealth ! say what applause is due For scenes like these, when patronised by you ? These are your scholars, who in humbler way, But with less malice, at destniction play. You, like game cocks, strike death with polish'd steel ; They, dung-hill-bred, use only nature's heel ; They fight for something you for nothing fight; They box for love, but you destroy in spite." T.HE following Tuesday having been appointed by the knowing ones for a pugilistic encounter between Jack Randall, commonly called the Nonpareil, and Martin, as well known by the appellation of The Master of the Rolls, from his profession being that of a baker ; an excellent day's sport was anticipated, and the lads of the fancy were all upon the " qui vive" Our friends had consequently arranged, on the previous night, to breakfast at an early hour, and take a gentle ride along the road, with a determina- tion to see as much as possible of the attractive amuse- ments of a milling -match, and to take a view as they 604 SYMPTOMS OF BACKSLIDING. went along of the company they were afterwards to mingle with. " We shall now," said DAS HALL (as they sat down to breakfast) " have a peep at the lads of the ring, and see a little of the real science of Boxing.*' " We have been boxing the compass through the difficult straits of a London life for some time," replied BOB, " and I begin to think that, with all its variety, its gaiety, and its pride, the most legi- timate joys of life may fairly be said to exist in the country." " I confess," said DASHALL, " that most of the pleasures of life are comparative, and arise from contrast. Thus the bustle of London heightens the serenity of the country, while again the mono- tony of the country gives additional zest to the ever- varying scenes of London. But why this observa- tion at a moment when we are in pursuit of fresh game ?" " Nay," said TALLYHO, " I know not why ; but I spoke as I thought, feeling as I do a desire to have a pop at the partridges as the season is now fast ap- proaching, and having serious thoughts of shifting my quarters." " We will talk of that hereafter," was the reply. '' You have an excellent day's sport in view, let us not throw a cloud upon the prospect before us you seem rather in the doldrums. The amuse- ments of this day will perhaps inspire more lively ideas ; and then we shall be present at the masque- rade, which will doubtless be well attended; all ROAD TO A FIGHT. (505 the fashion of the Metropolis will be present, and there you will find a new world, such as surpasses the powers of imagination a sort of Elysium un- explored before, full of mirth, frolic, whim, wit and variety, to charm every sense in nature. But come, we must not delay participating in immediate gra- tifications by the anticipations of those intended for the future. Besides, I have engaged to give the Champion a cast to the scene of action in my barouche." By this time Piccadilly was all in motion coaches, carts, gigs, tilburies, whiskies, buggies, dog-carts, sociables, dennets, curricles, and sulkies, were passing in rapid succession, intermingled with tax-caits and waggons decorated with laurel, conveying company of the most varied descrip- tion. In a few minutes, the barouche being at the door, crack went the whip, and off they bowled. BOB'S eyes were attracted on all sides. Here, was to be seen the dashing Corinthian tickling up his tits, and his bang-up set-out of blood and 6one, giving the go-by to a heavy drag laden with eight brawney bull-faced blades, smoking their way down behind a skeleton of a horse, to whom, in all probability a good feed of corn would have been a luxury; pattering among themselves, oc- casionally chaffing the more elevated drivers by whom they were surrounded, and pushing forward their nags with all the ardour of a British merchant intent upon disposing of a valuable cargo of foreign ^ ^f>

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