MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES, 
 
 WITH AN OCCASIONAL FELICITY, BY 
 WAY OF CONTRAST. 
 
 BY AN IRRITABLE MAN. 
 
 TO WHICH ARE ADDED, AS BEING PERTINENT TO 
 
 THE SUBJECT, MY NEIGHBORS, AND DOWN 
 
 IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 -s ^ O V- 
 
 ftW 
 
 BY BARRY GRAY. 
 
 \ v 
 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 PUBLISHED BY HURD AND HOUGHTON. 
 
 Q& fhpfcfftc* Q ll v o <* c( 
 
 iV lUtviJlUv .fp V v ** * 
 
 1869.
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by 
 
 ROBERT BAKRY COFFIN, 
 
 to the Clerk s Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern 
 District of New York. 
 
 RIVERSIDE, CAMBRIDGE : 
 
 STEREOTTPED AND PRINTED BT 
 
 H. 0. HOUGHTON AND COMPANY.
 
 DEDICATORY LETTER 
 
 SANDFORD R. GIFFORD, N. A. 
 
 MY DEAR S. R. G.: 
 
 To you, one of my oldest and most valued friends, the 
 playmate of my boyhood, the companion of my manhood, 
 whose society has ever been to me a source of more than 
 ordinary enjoyment ; and, during these latter years, in the 
 contemplation of whose pictures the reflex of nature in 
 her most charming moods I have experienced unquali 
 fied delight, I dedicate, with much satisfaction, this little 
 volume of " Matrimonial Infelicities " ; trusting, however, 
 that the experiences therein set forth by an " Irritable 
 Man " may not deter you from entering the arena of mar 
 ried life, and, under your own grape-vine and apple-tree, 
 presiding as pater familias. 
 
 * 
 
 Your disposition like my own is so essentially dif 
 ferent from the irritable individual s who wrote these 
 sketches, that I am satisfied the best life that of a 
 married man s which this world can afford, would fully 
 compensate you for leaving your bachelorhood behind 
 you, and taking your place among the Benedicts. And, 
 although the gratification I now experience of gathering 
 my bachelor friends around my mahogany, would be lost, 
 if you, and other artist companions whom I might name,
 
 vi DEDICATORY LETTER, 
 
 were to marry, yet I would be willing to forego even that 
 pleasure, and with it the hope I have long entertained of 
 one day in the future beholding in our circle a bachelor 
 of three-score years, provided you and they would follow 
 the worthy example I have set you. 
 
 If you should for a moment believe that the following 
 infelicities are the usual accompaniments of marriage, I 
 beg leave to state that, so far as my own experience goes, 
 it is utterly at variance with such record. 
 
 In conclusion, I desire to express the hope that we both 
 may live, still united by the same bond of friendship, as 
 many years in the future as we have in the past, which 
 would bring us each to a hale old age. 
 I remain, 
 
 with regard and esteem, 
 
 your friend of many years, 
 
 BARRY GRAY. 
 FORDHAM, N. 7., July 25th, 1866.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 CONVERSATION AT THE BREAKFAST-TABLE .... 
 
 MY WARDROBE 6 
 
 MY BOOKS AND PAPERS 13 
 
 FRIDAY S SWEEPINGS ........ 18 
 
 DOMESTIC GOVERNMENT ........ 23 
 
 GOING OUT TO DINE . . 28 
 
 MY WIFE WANTS MONEY ........ 33 
 
 AFTER MIDNIGHT 38 
 
 HOUSE-CLEANING ......... 43 
 
 GOING TO CHURCH 49 
 
 EARLY IN THE MORNING . ..... 54 
 
 MY WIFE HAS A HEADACHE 59 
 
 IN THE TWILIGHT ......... 64 
 
 THE MORNING AFTER ........ 69 
 
 SEEING THE SEVENTH HOME 74 
 
 MY WIFE WANTS COUNTRY AIR ...... 79 
 
 I ORDER A DINNER 85 
 
 WHERE SHALL WE PASS THE " FOUETH " ? ... .91 
 
 I ATTEND A CLAM-BAKE ........ 97 
 
 HOW I PASSED THE FOURTH OF JULY ... . 101 
 
 MY FRIEND THE GENERAL 105 
 
 SOMEBODY IS RESPONSIBLE ....... 112 
 
 MY WIFE RETURNS HOME .... r ... 117 
 
 OVER OUR COFFEE ......... 123 
 
 PEACE AT LAST 128
 
 viii CONTENTS. 
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 PAQB 
 
 JACK POTTS AND WIFE NEW-TEAR S MORNING . . . 13*2 
 
 JACK POTTS AND WIFE NEW-YEAR S NIGHT .... 139 
 HANKY AND KATRINA VANDER HEYDEN AT HOME . . 145 
 
 HANKY AND THE WIDOW S SLEIGH-RIDE ..... 151 
 
 O PHILANDER COE, THE POET 157 
 
 THE POET S NEW AND OLD LOVE ...... 163 
 
 PRUDENCE AND TEMPERANCE JONES ..... 170 
 
 RtR AND MRS. POTTS HAVE A LITTLE DISCUSSION . . . 176 
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 COUSIN KATE ; HER MATRIMONIAL VIEWS J HER AGE. 
 
 SOME ONE S DISAPPOINTMENT. MY EMPLOYMENT. THE 
 
 COMMUNITY. MISSIONARY FRIENDS. HISTORICAL SO 
 CIETY. ANTIQUARIAN ASSOCIATION. KATE S PLAIN 
 NESS. HER POSITION 183 
 
 GREGORY GRUMM ; HIS PERSONAL APPEARANCE; .HIS AF 
 FAIRS AND MINE. IN THE SAME BOAT. " ALLEN-DALE." 
 
 " THE HEMLOCKS." GREGORY S WHIM ; HIS ACTS OF 
 KINDNESS. FRED S LETTER. WHY HE HAS A VACATION. 
 MONEY 189 
 
 THE PONY J HIS COST. FRED*S HEALTH. SUMMERSETS. 
 KATE SINGS; HER VOICE. GREGORY S GALLANTRY. 
 
 KATE AN HEIRESS. OUR ASTONISHMENT. GREGORY S 
 
 ANGER. FRED S NAUGHTINESS ; HIS PARDON. ANOTHER 
 LETTER FROM FRED 195 
 
 "THE GOLDEN-RULE SOCIETY;" THEIR DOINGS. SOUP AND 
 
 SOAP TICKETS. THE ESQUIMAUX. INSULT TO GREGORY. 
 
 LILLY WHITE. A LITERARY TEA-FIGHT. NANCY. MRS. 
 
 AXSEY. FRED S ANNOYANCES; SKETCH OF HIS LIFE. 
 ARTISTICAL CRITICISM 203
 
 CONTENTS. tx 
 
 PAGE 
 
 KATE AND I AT BREAKFAST. WHAT SENT GREGORY TO NEW 
 PORT. LILLY WHITE; HER FIRST VISIT. THE GOLDEN 
 
 RULE. THE BARKERS. A MYSTERIOUS ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 GREGORY GOES TO NEW YORK. POMPEY. GREGORY S 
 
 NOTE. KING SOLOMON. FRED S LETTER . . . 210 
 
 KATE ON LOVERS. A LETTER. A MILLINER S BILL. A NEW 
 
 HAT. AT CHURCH. THE SERMON; ITS APPLICABILITY. 
 
 TURNING THE TABLES. HAIR-DYE AND WIGS. DISCRE 
 TION. CHANGING THE SUBJECT. "DOWN IN THE VAL 
 LEY" \ 21G 
 
 NEWS FROM GREGORY. KATE IN LOVE. GREGORY S DANGER; 
 
 HIS LETTER. AT THE " ASTOR." CITY-HALL CLOCK. 
 
 CHATHAM STREET. UP-STAIRS. STRIPED PANTS. LIL 
 LY WHITE J HER FORTUNE. A HAPPY FAMILY. BRIEF 
 
 CANDLES. MY REMARKS. MY LETTER .... 221 
 
 MRS. AXSEY. GENEALOGICAL. A SIGN. HER PORTRAIT. 
 A HINT FOR GREGORY. HER DECEASED " PARDNERS." 
 SIMON JONES. MISTER CLOVER. OLD AXSEY. BAL 
 LOON. NUMBER FOUR. GINGERBREAD. A MYSTERIOUS 
 LADY. A BABY. LILLY WHITE 22G 
 
 AN ILLUSTRATED LETTER. FRED S SUSPENSION. FINANCIAL 
 AFFAIRS. CAUSE OF "HARD TIMES." EXCULPATION OF 
 THE LADIES. KNIGHT-ERRANTRY. WEDDING-GARMENTS. 
 MRS. AXSEY J HER PRIVATE OPINION ; HER POEM. " IN 
 MEMORIAM." A TABLET. INSANITY. GOSPEL DOC 
 TRINE. THE DECEASED AXSEY. BURNT PIES. . . 232 
 
 CONFIDENTIAL. GREGORY S NIECE. "LILLY WHITE S MOTH 
 ER." THE REV. JABEZ GRUMM ; HIS CHARACTER J HIS SON 
 GREGORY ; HIS DAUGHTER PATIENCE ; THEIR EDUCATION. 
 TREASURES IN THE GARRET. SUNFLOWERS AND HOLLY 
 HOCKS. DAVID AND ABSALOM. A BOSTON BLADE. 
 
 JEPHTHAH S DAUGHTER 237 
 
 GREGORY S RETURN. WHAT THE GOLDEN RULE SAID. OUR 
 THANKSGIVING DINNER. A FAMOUS PIE. MRS. AXSEY 
 SPEAKS; ITS EFFECT. GREGORY S OPINION OF MRS. A. 
 FRED S OPINION. GREGORY S PLANS. ENTERTAINING
 
 x CONTENTS. 
 
 PAOt 
 
 BACHELORS. BAGDAD. ARABIAN NIGHTS. PERFUMES 
 AND OILS 244 
 
 THE NEW CHURCH. THE OLD CHURCH. THE TOLLING BELL. 
 
 SWALLOWS. SQUARE PEWS. BOYS AT PLAY. JACK- 
 KNIVES. DREAMS. THE OLD RECTOR. THE VESTRY 
 
 RESOLUTIONS. THE NEW CLERGYMAN. SPIDERS AND 
 
 FLIES. REFORM. ORGAN VS. BASS-VIOL. GREG S IM 
 MOLATION. " THEN AND NOW " 250 
 
 GREGORY GETS READY TO BE MARRIED. ORPHAN ASYLUM. 
 
 PETER COOPER. WHAT THE YOUNG LAWYER SAID. 
 
 HOW HE PLAYS CHESS. GREGORY S ADVICE. MRS. AX- 
 
 SEY SPEAKS. TEMPTING PROVIDENCE. THE LATE MR. 
 
 A. "A BACHELOR S LEGACY" 258 
 
 CHRISTMAS NIGHT. TEN YEARS AGO. A CHRISTMAS PARTY. 
 
 KATE AND IJ HER STORY AND MINE. THE MARRIAGE. 
 
 IN THE CHURCH. GREG S ESCAPE. DIMES AND QUAR 
 TERS. THE DINNER. MRS. AXSEY AND MILLIKIN8. 
 
 NO. FOUR. A SECRET. THE LAST FAREWELL. ALONE 264
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 FIRST INFELICITY. 
 
 CONVERSATION AT THE BREAKFAST-TABLE. 
 
 ;Y dear," I said to the lady who was seated opposite 
 to me at the breakfast-table, and who has the good 
 fortune to be my wife, " if there be one thing I 
 dislike more than another, it is to receive a cup of coffee 
 that looks as if it had been sipped from before it reached 
 my hands. Have I not often asked you to fill my cup to , 
 within an eighth of an inch of the rim, and not give it to 
 me half or three quarters full ? " 
 
 " You are as particular as an old bachelor," the estimable 
 lady replied, " and if I had known it before I married you, 
 this day would not have seen me your wife. There, sir, is 
 your cup of coffee. I hope it will suit you." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, as I took the cup, " now 
 you ve managed to run it over. You certainly -must be 
 aware that if there be one thing I dislike more than 
 another, it is to find slops in my saucer." 
 
 " Well, if you will insist on my filling the cup, you must 
 expect that sometimes I shall spill it over ; besides, your 
 finding fault with me does no good, but makes me nervous, 
 and causes my hand to tremble, so that I only wonder there 
 is any coffee left in the cup. But here is a clean saucer, 
 in place of the one you have." 
 
 Having effected this important change, I tasted the con 
 tents of my cup. It was evident to me that there was no 
 l
 
 2 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 sugar in it. I tasted it again to make certain of the fact. 
 Then I said to her, 
 
 " You have neglected to put sugar into my coffee. If 
 there be one thing I dislike more than another, it is coffee 
 unsweetened." 
 
 " I am certain," replied my estimable spouse, " that I did 
 sweeten it. I don t think you have stirred it." 
 
 " But I know I have," I answered. 
 
 " Not with your spoon," said the provoking woman, " for 
 it is perfectly dry ; perhaps, however, you used your fork." 
 
 " Pshaw ! " was all the answer I vouchsafed to this re 
 mark. 
 
 " Now, I declare," I said, after having stirred and sipped 
 my coffee, " you have made it too sweet. If there be one 
 thing I dislike more than another, it is to have my coffee 
 taste like syrup." 
 
 " Let me put more milk with it, then ? " said the obliging 
 woman. 
 
 " No, I thank you," I replied ; " I don t care to have my 
 stomach turned into a dairy. I gave up milk diet when I 
 cut my first teeth." 
 
 u It is to be hoped that you will give up the habit of 
 fault-finding, which you possess in an eminent degree, 
 when you come to cut your wisdom-teeth, though no one 
 can tell when that will be." 
 
 " Thank you," I replied ; " you will probably be the first 
 who will know it when it occurs." 
 
 And a happy day it will be for me," she answered, with 
 provoking calmness. " Few know, though, how much un- 
 happiness your constant fault-finding causes me. Noth 
 ing I do seems to give you any satisfaction. There is n t a 
 moment elapses, while you are in the house, save when 
 you re asleep, but you are thus occupied. The truth is, I 
 have always been too indulgent with you, and humor you 
 when I ought not. I did n t commence right in the first 
 place. I should have paid no attention to your whims, but
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 3 
 
 studied my own convenience and comfort, instead of seek 
 ing to make everything smooth and pleasant for you. Then 
 I would have got along much better. Oh, you men are 
 great tyrants, and if a woman yields to you in the least, 
 you follow up your advantage, and bend her will to yours, 
 and crush her spirit to the earth, till, by-and-by, you break 
 her heart." 
 
 " My dear, I will thank you for another cup of coffee," 
 I said, passing my cup to her ; " but be careful not to run 
 it over, nor get it too sweet, nor put in too much milk. 
 What an intolerable steak this is," I added ; " it is tough 
 enough to have been cut from one of the cattle pastured 
 upon a thousand hills more than a thousand years ago. If 
 there be one thing I dislike more than another, it is a 
 tough beefsteak." 
 
 " You selected it yourself, at the market, so you need n t 
 find fault with me on account of it. I knew it was tough 
 the moment I looked at it." 
 
 " Then why did n t you send it back ? " I inquired. 
 
 " Because, as it was of your choosing, I supposed you 
 wanted a tough one ; besides, if I had returned it, you 
 would have found fault with me for doing so." 
 
 " "Well, I can t eat it, that s certain," I said ; " so it had 
 better be taken off of the table. I sha n t throw any more 
 money away on beefsteaks." 
 
 " Oh, it will answer for hash," said my economical wife, 
 " and you can have it for dinner." 
 
 " Hash ! " I exclaimed. " If there be one thing I dislike 
 more than another, it is hash. Hash is only fit for chil 
 dren and old people without teeth. Besides, it is a popu 
 lar dish at boarding-schools and boarding-houses ; and 
 when I was a boy, and afterwards while a bachelor, I ate 
 my share of it, and I m not going to eat any more. No ; 
 we 11 have a turkey for dinner." 
 
 " Very well," said my spouse, " a turkey let it be. Shall 
 I see to getting one ? "
 
 4 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " I think not," I answered. " The fact is, that all the tur 
 keys you select turn out to be like the celebrated one of 
 which Job was the reputed owner, poor and tough. No j 
 I 11 buy the turkey, and you can cook it." 
 
 " Very well," said the imperturbable lady. " But how 
 will you have it cooked ? " 
 
 " Oh, any way ; suit yourself," I answered. 
 
 " Then I think I will roast it," she replied. 
 
 " Roast it ! " I exclaimed. " That is just like you. Now 
 you know that if there be one thing I dislike more than 
 another, it is to have a turkey roasted." 
 
 " Very well, then," said the accommodating woman, " I 
 will boil it." 
 
 " Boil it ! " I said, aghast. " Boil soup, boil lamb-chops, 
 boil cherries, if you like, but never, for me, boil a turkey." 
 
 " Pray, then, how will you have it cooked ? Only tell 
 me, and it shall be done." 
 
 " Why why well fricassee it, of course," I an 
 swered, triumphantly. 
 
 " Very well," said the lady, looking, however, as if it 
 were not very well. 
 
 " Why can t you say something else besides very 
 well ? " I asked. " What a provoking woman you are, to 
 be sure." 
 
 " Not half so provoking as you are," she replied. 
 
 " Now, then, you wish to make me angry, I suppose ; but 
 you can t do it," I said. " I have put up with everything 
 all through breakfast, and I am not going to be provoked 
 ; ust as I am finishing." 
 
 I am sure I don t wish to provoke you," my wife said, 
 in a most innocent and aggrieved manner. 
 
 " But you certainly do provoke me," I replied. 
 
 " Then I am sorry for it," she answered, in a softened 
 tone, " for such was not my intention." 
 
 I looked across the table at my wife ; something like a 
 tear rolled down her cheek.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 5 
 
 " Goodness ! " I whispered to myself, " I have made my 
 wife weep. "What a what a brute I am." 
 
 Then, speaking aloud, I exclaimed, 
 
 " Darling ! " 
 
 " Well," was her calm reply. 
 
 " Do you know," I continued, " that if there be one thing 
 I dislike more than another, it is a tear." 
 
 She answered simply with a sad smile. 
 
 " Sweetheart ! " I said. 
 
 Well." 
 
 " Cook the turkey any way you please." 
 
 She shook her head. 
 
 I left my seat, (having finished my breakfast,) went to 
 her side, and smoothing her pale, wan cheek with my hand, 
 I kissed it, and said, 
 
 " Forgive me, dear, this time." 
 
 She smiled dubiously, as if " this time " was only one out 
 of the " seventy times seven " which she would be called 
 on to forgive during our matrimonial career ; but, neverthe 
 less, the pressure of her hand, which I had taken, assured 
 me that peace was made.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 SECOND INFELICITY. 
 
 MY WARDROBE. 
 
 ! F there be one thing I dislike more than another," 
 I said to my beloved spouse, while engaged in 
 arraying myself in purple and fine linen (my 
 necktie is of purple silk, my wristbands of linen) pre 
 paratory to attending the last artists reception, " it is to 
 find no buttons on my shirt-bosom." 
 
 " In that case you should wear studs," said the lady to 
 whom I spoke. 
 
 " I did," I replied, " until you complained that they wore 
 the buttonholes out faster than you could keep them in re 
 pair. Besides, when thus worn, the studs would drop out 
 and be lost. And did n t you find fault, too, with their 
 blackening the shirt-pleats, so as to make it impossible to 
 wash out the stain ? " 
 
 " That was because the studs were not gopd gold." 
 
 " I don t know what you mean by good gold," I replied ; 
 " but Tiffany assured me, when I purchased them, that they 
 were eighteen carats fine ; and I know the last I had cost 
 enough. Yes, and when I told you how much I paid for 
 the set, you declared me to be extravagant, and immedi 
 ately computed the number of loaves of bread I could have 
 bought with the same money, I have forgotten how many, 
 but it was a large number. I made up my mind at that 
 time never to buy any more studs, but to let you sew on 
 buttons. Besides, if there be one thing I dislike more 
 than another, it is studs. One is certain to lose them. I 
 remember I lost those." 
 
 " You said you lost them," my wife replied, in a doubt-
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 7 
 
 ful tone of voice ; " but when that peerless creature, your 
 cousin Musidora, called here the -other day, I noticed that 
 the studs in her chemisette were exactly like those you 
 lost. I never could understand, either," continued the pro 
 voking woman, " how you managed to lose the three at the 
 same time, and that, too, the day before Christmas." 
 
 " My dear," I said, " your facetiousness is very ill-timed ; 
 for I presume you are joking when you insinuate that 1 
 robbed myself of studs to give them to Musidora. That 
 hers resemble those I possessed does not surprise me, for 
 she is a girl of excellent taste ; and as her father, who owns 
 diamond washings in Golconda, has business relations with 
 Tiffany, I doubt not that she purchases her jewelry at his 
 store." 
 
 " Perhaps so," was all my wife vouchsafed in reply. 
 
 " The fact is, my love," I remarked, as I turned over my 
 assortment of collars in search of one properly done up, 
 "you are jealous of Musidora. Now, if there be one 
 thing I dislike more than another, it is jealousy." 
 
 " Indeed, sir ! " exclaimed my wife. 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I cried, changing the subject, " there 
 is n t a collar in this box fit for a Christian to wear. Some 
 have no starch in them, and are as flaccid as a last night s 
 party glove ; others are like sheet-iron in their stiffness ; 
 this one is ironed on the wrong side ; that one is n t ironed 
 at all ; those are ironed on both sides ; and the rest are 
 either smutched with soot or stained with iron rust. Now, 
 what shall I do ? " 
 
 ". I m sure I don t know what you 11 do, if there be 
 none there that will answer, unless you send out and buy 
 one," said my imperturbable spouse. 
 
 " Send out and buy one ! " I echoed. " You know very 
 well that if there be one thing I dislike more than another, 
 it is a new, shining, greasy-looking collar. I always have 
 them done up in a decent manner before I wear them. I 
 detest a new collar."
 
 8 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " How would it answer," suggested my wife, " to go to 
 the reception without any ? " 
 
 " It might answer for you, but not for me," I replied , 
 " but just examine that lot of collars yourself, and tell me 
 if there be a decent one amoifg them, fifty, at least, and 
 not one fit to wear." 
 
 " I find nothing the matter with this collar," said my 
 wife, examining the first she took from the box ; " it seems 
 irreproachable." 
 
 " Let me see it," I exclaimed, taking it from her. 
 
 I scanned it carefully. It was in all respects a model 
 collar. How I had overlooked it, I could not tell. 
 
 " And this," said my wife, producing another ; " and 
 this," she continued ; " and this." 
 
 I took each one and examined it. Even my critical eye 
 could find no flaw in any of them. They were perfect ex 
 amples of the laundress s art. Suddenly an idea occurred 
 to me. 
 
 "They could not have been in the box," I remarked, 
 " when I opened it." 
 
 " They certainly were," my wife said, decidedly. 
 
 " They were not, or I should have seen them," I reiter 
 ated, just as decidedly. 
 
 " Well, have it your own way ; but I know they were 
 there," she replied. 
 
 "But you won t let me have it my own way," I an 
 swered. 
 
 " Yes, I will," she said. 
 
 " Well, then,"- 1 continued, " you confess they were not 
 there ? " 
 
 " I do no such thing," she replied. " I simply say you 
 can have your own way." 
 
 " Very well ; then I say they were not there." 
 
 " But I say they were," she exclaimed, with considerable 
 spirit. 
 
 I saw there was no use in arguing the matter, so I re-
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. J 
 
 mained silent, although I felt I was imposed upon. I sup 
 pose I shall learn, by-and-by, the impossibility of convinc 
 ing a woman that she is in error. All your assertions, all 
 your logic, all your arguments, are thrown away upon her. 
 She holds fast to her first idea with a tenacity which is ad 
 mirable when it coincides with your own correct judgment, 
 but obnoxious in the first degree when opposed to it. 
 Thoughts like these passed through my mind, but were 
 suddenly checked, when, on attempting to draw on one of 
 my boots, I found it to be half full of water. 
 
 I know I am an amiable man, not given to fault-finding 
 unless incited thereto by aggravating circumstances, the 
 endurance of which would be criminal instead of praise 
 worthy. On the present occasion, therefore, I uttered an 
 objurgation savoring less of paradise than of hades, which 
 caused my wife to exclaim, 
 
 " My dear, why do you speak so ? " 
 
 " Who would not speak so, I should like to know," I an 
 swered, " if he found his boots turned into a ewer, or some 
 thing worse ? That mischievous boy of ours must be cor 
 rected. He engages in all kinds of tricks ; and I don t 
 see why you can t keep an eye on him through the day, and 
 restrain him from mischief. You let him do just as he 
 likes, however, and never correct him for any annoyance 
 he may cause me. Because it does n t interfere with your 
 comfort, you will sit by and look on unrebukingly. Of 
 course, I am nothing." 
 
 " Now, my dear husband," she replied, " you are unkind 
 and ungenerous. You know well enough that if I should 
 find the little fellow engaged in any kind of mischief, I 
 would put a stop to it. But if my back is turned for an 
 instant, he takes that opportunity of doing something that 
 he ought not. It is more than I am able to do to keep 
 him in order and attend to my household duties. The en 
 tire time of one person is required to keep watch over him, 
 and prevent him from doing that which he ought not to do.
 
 10 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 For my part, I am very sorry that he has filled your boots 
 with water, and I cannot imagine when he did it." 
 
 " But you should have kept him from doing it," I replied. 
 " If there be one thing I dislike more than another, it is to 
 have my boots filled with water." 
 
 " It certainly is provoking," said my wife, quite coolly ; 
 " but I cannot help it." 
 
 " But you ought to have helped it," I said ; " and your 
 thinking it very provoking is n t calculated to do any 
 good. Your saying so rather irritates me than otherwise. 
 Well, since my boots are wet, I must wear my shoes, I sup 
 pose ; but where are they ? I can t find them ! " 
 
 " Why, I sent them this afternoon to be repaired ; you 
 know they needed it, and you said yesterday they had bet 
 ter be sent immediately." 
 
 " Good gracious ! my dear," I exclaimed, " what an un 
 reasoning woman ! You do everything at the wrong time. 
 Now, if you had sent those shoes yesterday, as I suggested, 
 they would have been done by this time ; but no, you must 
 wait until to-day, and now, that I want them, they are not 
 forthcoming. I wish to gracious you would just leave my 
 boots and shoes alone." 
 
 " I shall, sir, hereafter, without fail." 
 
 "But what am I to do, I should like to know? -The 
 boots I have worn all day are too thick and heavy for this 
 evening, and that other pair are uncomfortably tight." 
 
 " Suppose you wear your slippers, those which Musi- 
 dora worked for you ; I am sure they are very pretty. By 
 the way, they were a Christmas present : I had forgotten 
 that. I shall question that peerless creature about those 
 studs the very next time she calls here." 
 
 " It will be very polite in you to do so," I answered, 
 " and Musidora will, no doubt, be happy to inform you as 
 to where or of whom she obtained them. You don t seem 
 to admire my cousin Musidora ? " 
 
 " No ! but I do her brother Harry," she replied.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. \\ 
 
 " You do ? " I asked. 
 
 " Yes," she said ; " is it strange I should admire such a 
 handsome, gay fellow as he ? " 
 
 " Gay, madam," I replied ; " he is fast decidedly 
 < fast. " 
 
 " But how charmingly he waltzes," she said. " I hope 
 he will be at the reception to-night. Come, are n t you 
 almost ready ? " 
 
 " You forget," I replied, " that I have no boots to wear, 
 so that it will be impossible for us to go this evening. 
 Then it looks as if it would rain, and my head aches, and, 
 on the whole, I don t think these receptions are very pleas 
 ant, the rooms are generally so crowded, and man and 
 wife are apt to get separated; and in the Tenth-Street 
 building it is difficult to find one another again, amidst 
 those endless galleries and studios. No, no, my dear, let 
 us remain at home this evening and have a nice, cosy time 
 together. Besides, if there be one thing I dislike more 
 than another, it is being in a crowd." 
 
 " But what will your cousin Musidora say if she does 
 not meet you there ? " she inquired. 
 
 " Oh," I replied, " I will tell her I was not well enough 
 to go." 
 
 " Then you did expect to meet her ? " 
 
 " Yes," I answered, unthinkingly. " That is," I con 
 tinued, " I thought well, no no but my head aches 
 so I don t know what I am saying." 
 
 My wife smiled. After a pause, I said, 
 
 " Poor Harry ! " She smiled again. 
 
 " I am afraid he is going to the bad," I continued, " he 
 is so very fast. He is a great flirt, too, and has been en 
 gaged to be married ever so many times." 
 
 " That reminds me, he is to be at the reception this even 
 ing with Miss Ivoorinski, the Russian beauty, whom report 
 says he is to marry in June. He is very attentive to her, 
 and never leaves her side, when in society with hei for -a 
 moment."
 
 1 2 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " What ! what ! " I cried, " he never leaves her side , 
 she must be worth seeing. I think, after all, we had better 
 go, my headache is better, and I can wear my thick 
 boots. This lady, Miss Kohinoorinski, or whatever her 
 name is, must be wealthy, or Harry would never follow her 
 about as he does. But where the plague are my gloves ! 
 I can t lay them down for a single instant but some one 
 carries them off. If there be one thing I dislike more 
 than another, it is to lose my gloves. . My dear, what have 
 you done with them ? " 
 
 " I assure you," my wife answered, " I have not touched 
 them." 
 
 " But I am certain you must have done so," I replied, 
 "for I had them in my hands only a minute since, and 
 when I went to the bureau to get a handkerchief, I laid 
 them upon your table, and now they have vanished." 
 
 " You dropped them into your hat, you mean, where, if 
 you will look, you will find them." 
 
 " Well, I believe I did ; but it s so provoking to mislay 
 one s gloves. Come, are you ready ? Why, how long it 
 takes you ; but it is always so with women they everlast 
 ingly keep one waiting for them. Now, then, we re off; 
 stop ! I must go back for my watch and porte-monnaie 
 How provoking ! " 
 
 " How provoking ! " echoed my wife.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. ]3 
 
 THIRD INFELICITY. 
 
 MT BOOKS AND PAPERS. 
 
 OW many times, my dear," I said to my wife, as I 
 searched in vain for a newspaper which I had 
 brought home three days previously, " must I re 
 quest you not to disturb my books and papers ? I ve 
 spent an hour, at least, in looking for a newspaper which 
 contained a charming poem I had never before seen. I 
 laid it carefully upon the mantelpiece, so that it would be 
 out of the children s reach, and now it has disappeared. 
 If there be one thing I dislike more than another, it is to 
 have my papers meddled with." 
 
 " What is the name of the paper ? " my wife asked. 
 
 " I neither know nor care," I replied ; " all I want is to 
 find it." 
 
 " Have you examined both of the piles of newspapers on 
 the mantelpiece ? " 
 
 " Yes, of course I have," I answered. 
 
 " And the one on the table ? " she continued. 
 
 Which table ? " I asked. 
 
 "There is but one table in the room," she answered; 
 " that is a stand in the corner." 
 
 " Well, have it your own way ; but I m sure it is as cnucb 
 a table as the other. At any rate, the paper I want is n t 
 on it. Now, why you can t let my papers rest just where I 
 place them, I don t see. It would save me a wonderful 
 sight of trouble and annoyance if you would only let them 
 alone." 
 
 " I am certain," said my wife, " that I have not touched 
 one of your papers in a week, and I don t think the chil 
 dren have."
 
 14 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Then one of the servants has taken it to light a fire 
 with. Now, if there be one thing I dislike more than 
 another, it is to have a servant take a newspaper I wish to 
 preserve, to kindle a fire with." 
 
 " I do not think," my wife said, " that any of the ser 
 vants have taken it. My orders to them, in regard to help 
 ing themselves to your papers, are so strict, that they think 
 it as much as their situations are worth to meddle with 
 them." 
 
 "Well, then," I exclaimed, "if neither you, nor the 
 children, nor the servants have taken it, I should like to 
 know where it has gone to! Certainly it could not go 
 without hands ; and, now, who took it is the question." 
 
 " It is probable that you yourself laid it away, my dear," 
 she remarked. 
 
 " Nothing can be less probable," I said. 
 
 " But you know you often do such a thing," she continued, 
 " and forget all about it ! " 
 
 " Never ! " I said, decidedly ; " I do not remember of 
 ever forgetting anything in my life." 
 
 " Your assertion, my dear," she remarked, " proves con 
 clusively the treacherousness of your memory, for I dis 
 tinctly remember many instances of your forgetfulness." 
 
 " Well, I have never forgotten my age, as some persons 
 have theirs," I^said, maliciously. 
 
 My wife frowned. 
 
 " I don t see why," I continued, " that ladies, when they 
 get a little passe, should wish to conceal their age. As for 
 me, I glory in my years. Everybody knows that that 
 child " pointing to our eldest girl, a tall, slender miss of 
 thirteen " is your daughter." 
 
 " But every one does n t know," she remarked, mischiev 
 ously, " who her father is." 
 
 I felt that my amiable wife had a little the advantage of 
 me, so I returned to the newspaper subject again. 
 
 " I wish to gracious, my dear, you would find that paper 
 for me."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. -15 
 
 " Have you looked into your desk for it ? " she asked. 
 
 " I have not," I replied, and, what is more, I do not in 
 tend to, since I am very certain it is not there. Besides, 
 the desk is locked, and I have the key in my pocket ! " 
 
 " Perhaps you put the paper there, however," persisted 
 my wife. 
 
 " Indeed I did not," I replied ; " but, to satisfy you, I 
 will open the desk." 
 
 To my surprise, the missing paper was the first object 
 that met my sight on raising the lid of said desk. 
 
 " I told you so ! " my wife exclaimed, exultingly. 
 
 Now my wife had not told me so, and I indignantly said 
 as much. 
 
 " I think," I continued, after a pause, " I remember tak 
 ing the paper from the mantel and putting it into the desk ; 
 but I had forgotten it" 
 
 " You ought to keep a memorandum of all such little 
 things," suggested my wife, " and then you would n t find 
 fault with me as often as you do." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " if there be one thing 
 I dislike more than another, it is a memorandum-book. I 
 think the keeping of one has a tendency to invoke forget- 
 fulness. You are apt to depend too much on your pencil- 
 lings, and too little on your memory. You, perhaps, might 
 keep one with advantage to my comfort and the better per 
 formance of your household duties ; but I don t require 
 any yet. By the way," I continued, " where is that book I 
 was reading last evening ? " 
 
 " What one ? " she asked. 
 
 " Why, Irving s Goldsmith," I answered ; " one of the 
 most charming biographies ever written." 
 
 " I placed it with others of the set," she answered, " in 
 the library." 
 
 " There it is again ! " I exclaimed ; " you never will leave 
 my books just where I put them. When I think I can go 
 and lay my hand on the very book I want, even in the dark,
 
 16 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 it is exceedingly provoking to find that some one has taken 
 it away." 
 
 " You know that, as a general rule, I do not move your 
 books ; but when I see one lying on a chair, as I did this, 
 I deem it best to put it into its proper place." 
 
 " Well, I m sure, I did n t leave it on the chair," I said, 
 and I should like to know who put it there. I never had 
 so much trouble with my books and papers until I was 
 married. Nobody ever thought of touching them. If I 
 chose to lay a book on the floor, in the middle of my room, 
 I was certain of finding it in the exact spot, when I wanted 
 it, even if it were a month afterward. The fact is, you mar 
 all my plans with your continual interference with my 
 books and papers." 
 
 " The fact is," chimed in my wife, " that if it were not for 
 me, the house would be in disorder from the top to the bot 
 tom. You would have piles of useless newspapers in every 
 corner, and books on every shelf, chair, and table. Look 
 at the mantelpiece at this moment, fifty old newspapers 
 on it, and not one of them worth anything; then there 
 are a dozen books, covered with coal ashes and cracking 
 with the heat. How untidy it looks. Besides, whenever 
 I dust the mantel, each paper and book must be taken off 
 and carefully replaced, else your ire is excited to a terrific 
 degree, and you pour out the largest sized vials of wrath 
 of which it is possible to conceive. One would think, if 
 but a single paper be missing, that a whirlwind had passed 
 through the house, scattering your entire collection of books, 
 magazines, pamphlets, periodicals, etc., to the four quarters 
 of the globe. Then, too, at such times, you go about like 
 a raging lion, and I, the children, and the servants, have to 
 get out of your way, until you have found the missing paper, 
 which usually you yourself have mislaid, when, instantly, 
 you become as quiet as a lamb." 
 
 " Good gracious ! my dear," I said, " how you exagger 
 ate."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 17 
 
 " No, I don t exaggerate in the least," she replied ; " the 
 simple truth is even greater than what I have stated. Just 
 recall the naughty expressions you use ! I should think 
 you would have more regard for your wife than to speak 
 such words before her. What if the children should learn 
 them ? Could you ever forgive yourself for having used 
 them ? Oh, you may whistle Home, sweet home ! if you 
 like ; but your doing so will not change the fact." 
 
 " Well, well, my dear," I said, " we will say no more 
 about it. If you think it best to remove my papers and 
 books from the mantelpiece and tables hereafter, I will 
 find no fault with you for doing so. But if there be one 
 thing I dislike more than another, it is to have my books 
 and papers touched by a woman."
 
 18 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 FOURTH INFELICITY. 
 
 FRIDAY S SWEEPINGS. 
 
 HAD seated myself at my desk, in my library, a 
 morning or two since, and, as it promised to be a 
 rainy day, contrary to my usual habit, I resolved to 
 remain at home, and finish writing an article I had com 
 menced. I felt certain I should have no visitors from 
 abroad to disturb me, and trusted I would be equally free 
 from annoyance within. Scarcely, however, had I dipped 
 my pen into the ink, when, without warning, the door was 
 thrown open and one of the servants, armed with a broom, 
 a feather brush, and a dust-pan, entered, and, after regard 
 ing me for a few moments in an inquisitorial manner, asked 
 me how long it would be before I went out. I gave her 
 to understand that it would be twenty-four hours, at least. 
 She replied that she could not wait that length of time, 
 and would, therefore, proceed to sweep the room. 
 
 " Young woman," I said, " you will oblige me by going 
 arifay and taking your implements of house-cleaning with 
 jou." 
 
 " Sure," she replied, " the mistress tould me to come 
 here and sweep, and I must just be doing it." 
 
 " Well, never mind," I answered, " about it this morning ; 
 some other day will do just as well." 
 
 " But the mistress will be sore vexed with me if I don t," 
 she replied. 
 
 "Well, no matter," I answered; "I ll explain it to her. 
 Now go." 
 
 " But " she commenced.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 19 
 
 " Go ! " I exclaimed, interrupting her, and rising from 
 my chair as I spoke. 
 
 She retreated precipitately, slamming the door behind 
 her as she disappeared. I stepped to the door, turned the 
 key in the lock, and returned to my desk. " Now, then," 
 I said to myself, " I think that matter is satisfactorily set 
 tled. How curious it is," I continued, " that all women 
 folks take such pleasure in sweeping. Now, if there be 
 one thing I dislike more than another, it is a broom 
 Brooms were invented by the evil one to try the patience 
 of mankind." Then I returned to my writing. 
 
 Before five minutes elapsed, a knock at the door dis 
 turbed me. 
 
 " Who is there ? " I asked. 
 
 " Meself it is," said the original Biddy. 
 
 " What do you want ? " I inquired. 
 
 " The mistress bids me come back and sweep the room." 
 
 " It can t be done," I replied. " Go away." 
 
 " Will ye let me in, sir ? " she asked. 
 
 " No," I answered. 
 
 Then I 11 tell the mistress," she said. 
 
 For a few minutes I enjoyed comparative quiet ; only, 
 my little boy, taking advantage of the maid having left the 
 dust-pan by my door, converted it temporarily into a drum t 
 using the handle of the feather duster as a drumstick, and, 
 getting astride the broom, was riding up and down the hall. 
 Going to the door, I told him he might take them all into 
 the yard and play with them there. Then I resumed my 
 writing, congratulating myself upon having disposed of 
 the servant, the boy, and the sweeping-utensils. I had 
 written six lines, perhaps, when a gentle tapping at my 
 door disturbed me. I knew it was my wife, so I opened it 
 and admitted her. She walked in with rather a majestic 
 air, and took a seat on the lounge, without speaking. 
 
 " Well, my dear," I said, " what is it ? " 
 
 " That is exactly what I came here to have answered," 
 she replied.
 
 20 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Then you 11 have to inquire of Barnum," I said, " for I 
 can t tell." 
 
 " Oh, it s no joking matter, sir, I can assure you," she 
 continued. " How do you suppose that I can keep my 
 house in cleanliness and order, if the servants are not 
 allowed to sweep and dust when I tell them to ? " 
 
 " I m sure I don t know," I replied ; " but, then, I don t 
 see the necessity of one s coming in here while I am writ 
 ing, and raising such a dust as she necessarily must. Why 
 she can t sweep some other room just as well as this, I 
 confess, puzzles me. The fact is, this room does n t re 
 quire sweeping. It is n t more than two or three weeks 
 ago since I saw some one sweeping it." 
 
 " Two or three weeks ! " echoed my wife ; " if it had not 
 been swept since then, I think you would find a cart-load 
 of dirt in it. It was thoroughly swept on Wednesday, and 
 now Friday is my regular day for sweeping and cleaning 
 throughout the house. So, if you will just let the servant 
 come in here and sweep, I will be much obliged to you." 
 
 " But, actually, I don t think the room requires it," I 
 said ; " besides, it being a rainy day, I had decided to re 
 main at home and write. It will be very annoying for me 
 to stop at this moment ; and, indeed, I won t do it." And 
 I resolutely took up my pen and resumed writing. 
 
 My wife answered not a word, but sat silent for at least 
 five minutes. I did not once look up from my paper, al 
 though I knew that her eyes were upon me, and that she 
 was regarding me attentively. It is very trying to a sen 
 sitive man like myself, to be made the target of a woman s 
 eyes for many minutes at a time. At last, throwing down 
 my pen, I exclaimed, 
 
 " If there be one thing I dislike more than another, it is 
 to be looked at ! " 
 
 " Very likely," said my wife ; " but you brought it upon 
 yourself." 
 
 " Well, I won t bear it any longer," I replied ; " and I
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 21 
 
 wish you would go away and leave me to my writing. 
 This is my room, and I don t want it swept. It seems to 
 me as if sweeping was done for no other purpose than to 
 raise a dust, so that one can go about with a feather brush 
 and a dusting-cloth, and scatter the dust which has settled 
 on the furniture over the floor again. What possible good 
 is accomplished thereby, I don t see." 
 
 " The obtuseness of some persons," she answered, ma 
 liciously, " often prevents their seeing good in anything." 
 
 " Indeed ! " was all I vouchsafed in reply. 
 
 At this moment Biddy made her appearance, complain 
 ing that some one had carried off her broom and dust-pan, 
 and she could not find them. My wife regarded me atten 
 tively. 
 
 " If any one," she said, " has had the audacity to hide 
 them, I shall never forget it as long as I live ! " 
 
 I made no reply. 
 
 " It is very singular," she continued, " what has become 
 of them." 
 
 I looked out of the window, and asked my wife what the 
 noise was that came up from the yard. 
 
 " Well, if that is n t too bad," she said ; " there is that 
 dear little boy out in the rain without any cap on, and with 
 the dust-pan and broom. What a careless girl you are to 
 have left them lying where the little fellow could get them. 
 Go, quickly, and bring in the child. After all, it is your 
 fault," she added, turning to me ; " if you had allowed 
 Bridget to attend to her sweeping here, as usual, this would 
 not have happened. Now, he has probably taken a terribl 
 cold, and will have the croup and die, for aught I know." 
 
 Here the lad made his appearance, struggling in Bridget s 
 arms. He was thoroughly wet, and had apparently been 
 thrown from his horse, for he was covered with mud from 
 head to feet. 
 
 " Look at him ! " exclaimed my wife ; " can he ever be 
 got clean ? "
 
 22 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " He is in a pickle," I said. 
 
 " Pa said I might go out, and take the broom too," said 
 young hopeful. 
 
 I frowned at the rascal. 
 
 " Is that true ? " my wife asked. 
 
 " Certainly it is," I said. "And now just see," I con 
 tinued, " how wrong it was in you to send Bridget to sweep 
 my room, when you knew I was engaged in writing. It 
 will be all owing to your ill management of household affairs 
 if that boy be sick and die. And if this should be the sad 
 result, how you ever can forgive yourself, I do not know." 
 
 " But, my dear," she said, looking imploringly into my 
 face, " I did n t send him into the yard." 
 
 " I can t help that," I replied ; " the fault is yours just 
 the same. It all comes from your confounded mania for 
 sweeping and dusting. I wish to gracious there was no 
 such thing as a broom in the world." 
 
 " But," interposed my wife, " do you really think the 
 darling will be sick and die ? " and she clasped the lad, 
 muddied though he was, within her arms. 
 
 " I cannot tell," I replied, " how five minutes exposure 
 to a warm spring rain may affect him ; but, at all events," 
 I added, smiling at her terror, " the fault will rest at your 
 door." 
 
 " Ah ! I see how it is," said my wife, her confidence 
 somewhat restored ; " it is the old story enacted in the 
 garden of Eden by our first parents, the man putting the 
 blame upon the woman." 
 
 " My dear," I said, " as it has ceased raining, I think I 
 will take a walk, and while I am absent, you can let 
 Bridget sweep and dust my room ; but," I added, as I took 
 .up my hat and coat, " if there be one thing I dislike more 
 than another, it is a Friday s cleaning."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 23 
 
 FIFTH INFELICITY. 
 
 DOMESTIC GOVERNMENT. 
 
 [HY you don t keep those children," I said to my 
 wife, "from making such an abominable noise 
 while I am in the house, I can t imagine. I should 
 think that you d instruct them to be quiet and behave 
 themselves when I am at home. They have all the day, 
 from pine o clock until five, in which to play and make as 
 much noise as they please, and why you will allow them to 
 keep it up until bedtime, I really don t understand. After 
 I ve been employed down-town for six or eight hours, toil 
 ing for you and the children, I desire, when I return home, 
 to enjoy rest and quiet, and not find myself, the moment 
 I enter the house, in the midst of bedlam." 
 
 " The noise they make," said my wife, looking up from 
 her work, " can be no more annoying to you than it is to 
 me, who have to be subjected to it all day. I m sure my 
 nerves ought to be made of iron to enable me to endure it. 
 You, in reality, experience little of its unpleasantness ; but 
 here am I, shut up, day after day, with these noisy beings, 
 obliged oftentimes, through lack of strength to correct 
 them, to submit to their caprices and naughtiness, while 
 you are abroad in the open air, and free from the petty 
 annoyances which surround me. You men, though, think 
 a woman s life is a perfect paradise. I wish you had to live 
 only one such day as this has been. I have been obliged to 
 have the sole care of the children ever since morning, and, 
 between their crying and boisterous behavior, they have 
 nearly worn me out. My head aches violently, and it 
 does n t seem as if my fingers could take another stitch."
 
 24 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " But why," I asked, " did you take so much upon your 
 self? Why did n t you let Katy have charge of the chil 
 dren, as usual ? " 
 
 "Because this is ironing-day, and Katy always has tc 
 assist the laundress." 
 
 u But what is the use," I inquired, " of having Katy to 
 take care of the children, unless she does it ? If the laun 
 dress cannot perform her work herself, why you d better 
 get some one who can, so that Katy can attend to her own 
 business. Now, if there be one thing I dislike more than 
 another, it is your mismanagement with the servants. 
 Each one should have her own duties to perform, and not 
 interfere with, or assist in, those of another. I should just 
 like to have the control of this household for a week, when 
 I think I could effect a revolution in it of a most satisfac 
 tory character." 
 
 " I am sure," said my wife, " I have no objection to your 
 taking the entire charge of the house for a year or longer. 
 A pretty housekeeper, though, you d make. I think you 
 would find it a more difficult task, however, than you 
 imagine." 
 
 " All that is necessary to insure a well-regulated house 
 hold, my dear," I said, " is a proper system. System is the 
 basis of all governments domestic and national. With 
 out it, disorders are certain to prevail. I have a theory 
 about government, which, if you will listen to me, I ll 
 explain to you. In the first place " 
 
 " I don t know," said my wife, interrupting me, " that I 
 have time at present to hear your theory, even if the little 
 ones would remain quiet long enough to allow me to give 
 you the attention necessary." 
 
 " Children, cease your noise ! " I exclaimed. But thc-.y 
 gave no heed to my command, and raised such a hubbub 
 that it called forth from me an expression which only the 
 extreme circumstances of the case warranted. 
 
 " Don t speak so," said my wife, soothingly. " I have
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 25 
 
 been obliged to endure much more than this all day, and 
 have not once lost my temper." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " what confounded muss 
 have I sat down in ! Some sticky stuff. I declare it s 
 molasses. If there be one thing I dislike to sit in morn 
 than another, it is molasses.. Why do you allow the chil 
 dren to have it ? " 
 
 "I don t know where they got it from, I am sure," 
 answered my wife, " for I was not aware there was a drop 
 in the house. Knowing how averse you are to having the 
 little ones use it, since they stick themselves up with it so, 
 I have denied it to them for months past." 
 
 "Well, it appears they have got some, at all events, 
 and Look at that child ! daubed from head to foot." 
 
 Here the slim girl of thirteen made her appearance with 
 a plate containing sticks of molasses candy, which, she 
 said, she had made for papa. Now, if there be one thing 
 I dislike more than another, it is molasses candy made for 
 papa ; but on the present occasion I took the plate, with 
 its entire contents, determined that it at least should not 
 be distributed over the floor, chairs, and table. 
 
 " Every piece of furniture in the room," I said, " is 
 sticky with this confounded stuff. Every door-knob and 
 window-pane is marked with it, and every part of the 
 house, for a week to come, will be redolent of it. The 
 fact is, my dear, you allow the children to do just as they 
 please, and when it is n t molasses they get into, it is honey 
 or sweetmeats. What is the use of being a mother, 
 unless you can manage your children, and keep them out 
 of the molasses jug ? " 
 
 My wife said she did n t see any use in it, which seemed 
 to me rather an equivocal answer. While I was pondering 
 over this reply, my eyes fell upon the candy before me. It 
 seemed to be filled with raisins. I examined it carefully, 
 and the raisins resolved themselves into flies. 
 
 u Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " what could have in 
 duced that child to put flies into the candy ? "
 
 26 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Flies ! " echoed my wife. 
 
 " Yes," I repeated, " flies ! " 
 
 My wife looked at the candy with a critical eye. Then 
 she rung the bell for Biddy, who soon made her appearance. 
 
 " Where did the children get the molasses for their 
 candy ? " she inquired. 
 
 " Out of the jug, to be sure," said Biddy ; " where else 
 should they ? Did n t they find it in the cellar, where it 
 had been ever so long, doing no good to any one, and so I 
 just said they might have it for candy." 
 
 "But the jug ought not to have been in the cellar, 
 Biddy ; that is not its proper place," said my wife. 
 
 " Oh, it s not the jug we use, ma am," responded Bid 
 dy ; " and now I 11 tell you all about it. When Nora, the 
 cook we had last summer, you remember, was here, she 
 just accidentally, one day, broke the handle off the jug, 
 and so that it would n t be in your sight, ma am, she put it 
 on the upper shelf in the cellar, where we forgot all about 
 it. I suppose, somehow, the cork got out and the flies got 
 in, but it was very nice molasses, ma am, for all that. And 
 I told Miss Lily, when she boiled the molasses, to be sure 
 and skim off the top of it, for I thought there might be a 
 fly or two in it, and I knew flies liked molasses ; and that s 
 just the blessed truth, ma am, indeed it is ! " 
 
 When Biddy had left the room, I said to my wife, 
 
 " This is another example, my dear, of your housekeep 
 ing qualifications. You not only let the children do as 
 they please, but you allow the servants the same liberty. 
 If they break a jug, why you know nothing about it until 
 months afterward, when the children poison themselves 
 with eating flies." 
 
 " Poison themselves ! " exclaimed my wife ; " you don t 
 mean to say that flies are poisonous ? " 
 
 " Well," I replied, " I don t regard them as wholesome 
 food. And I advise you, if you have any regard for the 
 children s health, to collect the balance of the candy, 
 scattered around, and throw it away."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 27 
 
 This opportunity of disposing of the candy, which other 
 wise would be sticking everything up for a week to come, 
 was appreciated by me, and the few flies I discovered were 
 almost worth their weight in diamonds. 
 
 " Now, my dear," I said, after my wife, having given her 
 orders in regard to the destruction of the candy, reseated 
 herself near me, " I will state my theory in regard to do 
 mestic government. In the first place, you must adopt, as 
 a fundamental precept, that which Solomon taught " 
 
 " My dear," said my wife, " I am sorry to interrupt you, 
 but I must leave you and attend to getting dinner." 
 
 After saying this, my wife abruptly left the room. My 
 theory, which, however, is a good one, I shall insist on her 
 listening to some day or other.
 
 28 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 SIXTH INFELICITY. 
 
 GOING OUT TO DINE. 
 
 )U need not wait dinner for me to-day," I said to 
 my wife, while I lingered over my second cup of 
 coffee at the breakfast-table, " as I expect to dine 
 at the Brevoort House with a friend." 
 
 " There it is again," replied the estimable woman ; " you 
 are always dining out, and enjoying yourself, while I am 
 compelled to stay at home and eat with the children. I 
 can t remember the time when I have been asked out to 
 dine. I wish to gracious somebody I don t know who 
 would invite me to dinner. You have often promised me 
 that I should dine at the Brevoort House with you, but you 
 have rjever taken me there." 
 
 " Simply, my dear," I answered, " because it has never 
 been convenient. Some day or other, when you are down 
 town, and wish to go to a place of amusement in the even 
 ing, instead of going all the way home to dinner," (for we 
 live near the Central Park,) " we will have a cosy little 
 meal at the Brevoort." 
 
 " You have said that so many times, 1 scarcely think it 
 worth while to place any confidence in it again," my wife 
 said, submissively. " But who are you going to dine with 
 to-day?" 
 
 " With a few artist friends." 
 
 " Well, I hope you will have a nice time," said my wife ; 
 " but just think of me at home, surrounded by noisy chil 
 dren, while you are feasting with your friends." 
 
 " I will, indeed," I replied ; " and more than that, we will 
 drink your health in a bumper of champagne."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 29 
 
 " I don t think your doing so," she answered, " will im 
 prove my health in the least. The fact is, I look upon your 
 dining out about once a week, as you do, as an imposition 
 on me. And I am a very foolish woman to submit to it." 
 
 " You would certainly be a much more foolish woman," I 
 said, " if you failed to submit to it with a good grace. Din 
 ing out occasionally, my dear, with my bachelor friends, is 
 about the only event in my married life which serves to 
 recall the days when I lived a roving, careless existence, 
 and was free from the trammels and annoyances of matri 
 mony." 
 
 " If you feel trammelled," responded my wife, " what do 
 you think of me, who am chained, day after day, and week 
 after week, to the house, with such unyielding links as these 
 children." 
 
 "It is your own fault," I said, "that you do not go out 
 more." 
 
 " But what would become of the children if I went abroad, 
 making calls, and shopping in Broadway, as some ladies, 
 whom I know, do ? " asked my wife. 
 
 " Oh, never mind the children ; let them go ; they will 
 do well enough," I replied. " You need not forever be at 
 tending to them, they are old enough to take care of 
 themselves ; besides, Katy is here to watch them." 
 
 " Now, I think it is too bad for you to talk as you do ; 
 you give me no credit for staying at home and seeing to 
 the children. I presume you would notice a difference in 
 their appearance and behavior if it were not for me. 
 Whose hands but mine, I should like to know, sew the 
 buttons on, and repair the rents in that boy s jackets? 
 Who sees that his face and hands are kept clean but me ? " 
 
 " Why, Katy, of course," I responded. 
 
 " Of course, it is n t Katy," she replied ; " if it were left 
 to her, the boy would seldom be clean. No, indeed, it is I 
 who have to say a dozen times a day, Katy, those children 
 require washing ; or, Katy, see what mischief those little
 
 30 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 ones are in now, for they are so quiet I know they must be 
 doing something wrong. That is just the way I have it 
 every day, and I do think it is too bad. My life is actually 
 wearing out in attending to those children, and all the sym 
 pathy and satisfaction I get from you, when I speak of my 
 cares, is, Never mind ; let them go. " 
 
 " Well, if you will persist, my dear," I replied, " in stay 
 ing at home and making a servant of yourself, I don t 
 know what I can do to relieve you. Now, I have an idea 
 about children, which is, that the more you do for them the 
 more they expect you to do. Never argue with a child or 
 a woman. Whip the one and leave the other." 
 
 " Which would you whip, my dear," asked my wife, sar 
 castically, " the child or the woman ? " 
 
 I deigned no answer to this, but continued, 
 
 " When two children are playing, and one gets hurt, or 
 are quarrelling, and one makes the other cry, whip them 
 both, and, my word for it, they will not often hurt each 
 other, or quarrel. In my little theory relating to domestic 
 government, this rule plays an important part, and if you 
 would only adopt it, you would find time in which to go out 
 more, and also have less troublesome children around you." 
 
 " They must have a different father, then, my dear," my 
 wife said, maliciously, " than you ; for these children all 
 came honestly by their irritable and mischievous disposi 
 tions." 
 
 " Now you want to vex me," I said, " by pretending to 
 misunderstand me, and putting a false construction upon 
 my words. If there be one thing I dislike more than 
 another, it is equivocation." 
 
 " Well, never mind about it now," said my wife, anxious 
 to change the subject of our conversation. " What time do 
 you suppose you will come home this evening ? " 
 
 " Oh, after dinner," I replied. 
 
 " Of course ; but how long after ? " 
 
 Why I can t tell exactly."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 31 
 
 Will it be by nine o clock?" 
 
 Well yes ; I think so." 
 
 "Now, I know better, my dear," she said. "I see 
 plainly, by your manner of answering me, that you have 
 no intention of coming home before eleven or twelve 
 o clock. I am certain it is your purpose, after dinner, 
 to go to a place of amusement. I should think it would 
 be enough for you to dine away from your wife, and not 
 leave her alone, with only her sad thoughts, all the even 
 ing. You men don t consider that we poor wives find 
 no enjoyment in sitting up till midnight waiting for truant 
 husbands, who have been feasting at dinner-parties, to come 
 home, when oftentimes we are wearied and careworn with 
 the day s household duties. No, you partake of the six or 
 eight dinner-courses provided, to say nothing of the costly 
 wines, and then either while away the evening smoking 
 and telling stories, or go to the theatre or opera." 
 
 " But, my dear," I said, unable to endure this tirade any 
 longer, "I tell you positively I shall be home by nine 
 o clock." 
 
 " Why remain out so late even as that ? Why not be 
 home by seven ? " 
 
 " For the very good reason that as the dinner hour named 
 is six o clock, I shall scarcely be through with my plate of 
 fish when seven comes." 
 
 " Oh, I see how it is," my wife said ; " you are deter 
 mined to leave me alone all the evening. If, when you 
 come home, you find cousin Harry here, turning the sheets 
 of music for me while I sing, you need not be surprised." 
 
 " And if you should hear, my dear," I said, " that I went 
 to the opera this evening with Musidora, you need not be 
 surprised." 
 
 "I sincerely trust," said my wife, mischievously, "that 
 you will be able to escort Musidora after dinner." 
 
 " Now, then," I exclaimed, " this is too bad. You do all 
 you can to provoke me. The idea of a wife insinuating
 
 32 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 that her husband is n t as capable after dinner as before of 
 taking care of himself, is what I don t wish to submit to. 
 
 o 7 
 
 It s preposterous ! It s naughty ! " I exclaimed, assuming 
 an indignation I did not really feel. 
 
 " But, my dear," said my wife, submissively, tears filling 
 her eyes, " I was only joking, you know. Of course I did n t 
 mean it." 
 
 " You should not joke, though," I said, smiling at the feel 
 ing she manifested, " on such a subject ; besides, if there 
 be one thing I dislike more than another, it is a joke of 
 this character." 
 
 Then, rising from the table, I went to her, wiped the 
 tears from her cheeks, kissed her, and whispered that I 
 certainly would be home at nine o clock. And I fulfilled 
 my promise.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 33 
 
 SEVENTH INFELICITY. 
 
 MY WIFE WANTS MONEY. 
 
 HAD almost forgotten to ask you," my \vile said, in 
 her most amiable tone, as I drew on my gloves pre 
 paratory to going down-town, " for some money." 
 
 " Almost ! " I exclaimed ; " it would be very difficult to 
 make me believe that, for I have seen money in your 
 eyes, and on the tip of your tongue, for the last hour. But 
 why you did n t ask for it before I put on my gloves, I 
 can t imagine. If there be one thing I dislike more than 
 another, it is to be asked for money after I get on my 
 gloves." 
 
 " Then why, if you saw so clearly that I wanted some, 
 did you not offer it to me ? " asked my wife. " The truth 
 is, I dislike very much to ask you for money, and I often 
 go without any rather than speak a word to you on the sub 
 ject." 
 
 " Why did n t you do so to-day ? " I inquired. 
 
 " Because to-day," she replied, " it is very necessary for 
 me to have some. Not only have I the gas-bill, to pay, 
 which is larger than it was even in December, but I 
 have to purchase some spring dresses for the children." 
 
 " Oh, never mind the children s dresses," I answered ; 
 "let them go. But what makes the gas-bill so high this 
 month ? " 
 
 " I am certain I do not know," my wife replied ; " though, 
 to be sure, we have had considerable company lately, and 
 you have been up late at night writing." 
 
 " Pshaw ! " I exclaimed, " that won t account for it. I 
 3
 
 34 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 believe the servants burn it all night ; and if they do, it is 
 your fault." 
 
 " I do not think, my dear, that the servants are at all 
 wasteful of it." 
 
 " Then there is something the matter with the con 
 founded meter," I said. " Can t the children get at it, and 
 set the register ahead in some way ? " 
 
 My wife laughed. 
 
 " Oh, you need n t laugh," I continued ; " it s a probable 
 thing, as they are given to all kinds of mischief. I 11 tell 
 you what I will do. I 11 go directly down to the company s 
 office, and enter a complaint about the meter." And I put 
 on my hat resolutely, and opened the door to depart. 
 
 " But you are not going without leaving me some money, 
 I hope," she said. 
 
 " There it is again ! " I exclaimed ; " money ! money ! 
 it is always money with you women. Well, how much do 
 you want? Come, don t keep me standing here forever, 
 when you know I am in a hurry." 
 
 " Can you spare me twenty dollars ? " she asked. 
 
 " No ! " I answered. 
 
 " Fifteen, then ? " she suggested. 
 
 " Scarcely," I replied ; " but there are twelve ; and, now, 
 don t ask me for money again in a week." 
 
 " But what shall I do about the children s spring cloth 
 ing ? " she inquired ; " after paying the gas-bill, I shall not 
 have any great amount left." 
 
 "I don t know,. nor I don t care what you ll do, I re 
 plied. " The fact is, the children are well enough di essed. 
 I don t approve of arraying them in velvets and laces." 
 
 " Fifteen or twenty dollars," she answered, smiling, 
 " would scarcely be sufficient for the purchase of any quan 
 tity of velvets and laces. No ! all that I want is to have 
 the children appear clean and respectable. I can t abide 
 to see them in soiled and faded clothes." 
 
 " But they look well enough to me," I said. " I don t
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 35 
 
 see why their present clothes are not good enough for them 
 to play around in, as they do ; nor why it s necessary to buy 
 them anything new." 
 
 " If you had to attend to the mending of their clothes, 
 as I do, you would n t ask me why I wanted to get them 
 new ones." 
 
 " Well, well," I said, " here are ten dollars more ; but 
 don t, for goodness sake, ask me for money again untir 
 
 " Until," interrupted my wife, smiling, " I want a new 
 bonnet which will be next week." 
 
 " My dear," I said, impressively, " don t speak to me of 
 bonnets. If there be one thing I dislike more than an 
 other, it is to hear about a new bonnet." 
 
 "But I am very economical as regards bonnets, you 
 know, my dear," she said. " I only have four a year, 
 whereas most ladies have a dozen." 
 
 " A dozen ! " I exclaimed, astonished ; " why that is 
 equal to one a month. It is preposterous. Does your 
 milliner have many such customers ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes ; Miss Modiste assures me that there are some 
 of her purchasers who get a new bonnet every month." 
 
 " I am very thankful, my dear," I said, " that you are 
 not one ; but, it appears to me, that four hats a year are 
 more than you can afford to have, especially in such hard 
 times as these are, when every one should study economy. 
 Don t you think you can get along with two a year ? " 
 
 " I really don t see how it would be possible," she re 
 plied ; " because every three months the fashions change 
 and I wouldn t, you know, like to be out of the fashion." 
 
 " Well, the fact is, my dear," I replied, " that we must 
 economize somewhere ; and I think we can best dispense 
 with new bonnets. As for being in the fashion, it is all 
 nonsense. If there be one thing I dislike more than 
 another, it is seeing you forever studying a fashion-plate." 
 
 "I am not forever studying a fashion-plate," my wife 
 answered, with spirit ; " it is rarely, indeed, that I see one.
 
 36 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 If you want to economize, why don t you stop smoking, 
 and leave off drinking wine ? You men are always accus 
 ing us of being extravagant, and spending our time before 
 the mirror ; but in my opinion, and in that of all the think 
 ing portion of my sex, too, we are seldom as extravagant 
 or as vain as your sex. You 11 spend almost as much for 
 one dinner, down-town, as would suffice to feed your whole 
 family well for a week. As for vanity, I have never seen 
 the greatest of coquettes stand longer before a mirror than 
 I have you when engaged in tying an elaborate knot in 
 your cravat." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " what an inventive fac 
 ulty you possess ! It is a wonder to me you have never 
 essayed to write a romance. In the first place, I don t 
 wear a cravat, it is simply a scarf ; and in the next 
 place. I don t tie it, but fasten it with a gold pin." 
 
 " Well, then, all I can say is," said my Avife, " that you 
 spend an unnecessary amount of time before the glass in 
 pinning your scarf." 
 
 " You certainly would provoke the best man living ! " I 
 exclaimed ; " and just now, when I have given you twenty- 
 five dollars to buy knickknacks with, I should n t think 
 you d want to vex me." 
 
 " You only gave me twenty-two dollars, any way," the 
 excellent woman answered, " and part of that is to pay the 
 gas-bill, and with the rest I must purchase clothing for the 
 little ones. I am sure I don t know what you mean by 
 knickknacks. " 
 
 " I am sure I m not particular whether you do or not," 
 
 replied ; " I ve said it, and I 11 hold to it knickknacks 
 now, then." 
 
 " I 11 take five dollars more before you go, my dear," 
 my wife said, yielding no attention to my last remark. " I 
 had almost forgotten that I had promised to pay the milk 
 man his bill to-day." 
 
 " There it is again," I exclaimed ; " money ! money ! This
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 37 
 
 is the third time I have been obliged this morning to take 
 off my gloves so as to give you money. If I remain here 
 much longer I shall not have change enough left to ride 
 down-town with. Here are five dollars ; take them, and 
 don t ask for any more. Good-bye ! my dear." 
 
 " Good-bye ! " she replied. "Oh, dearest," calling me back, 
 " I wish you would stop at Miss Modiste s, select a hand 
 some bonnet for me, pay for it, and have her send it up." 
 
 " Perhaps so," I answered. 
 
 " Now, do," she said, coaxingly ; " and, dearest, come 
 home early, for I shall have a nice dinner for you. Don t 
 forget the bonnet for me, though," she added, as I went out 
 of the door. 
 
 " What a woman ! " I said to myself, as I stood at the 
 corner of the street, waiting for an omnibus to come by ; 
 " not contented with robbing me of all my money, she 
 wants me to get her a bonnet. If I select one, it won t 
 suit her ; but I 11 do it, although if there be one thing I 
 dislike more than another, it is to choose a bonnet for my 
 wife."
 
 38 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 EIGHTH INFELICITY. 
 
 AFTER MIDNIGHT. 
 
 [0 you hear that child cough, my dear?" I asked 
 the mother of my children, as I raised myself on 
 one elbow in bed, and listened. 
 
 " No," she said, awaking from her sleep, " I do not." 
 
 " Then you must be deaf," I cried. " Hark ! " 
 
 The interesting woman lifted her head from the pillow, 
 untied the strings of her bonnet de nuit, brushed back a 
 lock of hair from her right ear, and listened attentively. 
 
 " There," I said, as a harsh, discordant sound broke the 
 silence, " do you hear it now ? " 
 
 " I hear a singular noise," she replied, " but it is not a 
 cough." 
 
 " Then I should like to know what it is," I exclaimed. 
 
 " I am sure I cannot tell," she replied ; " but it is n t a 
 cough, that is very certain." 
 
 " I m not so certain, however," I said. 
 
 " I can t help it," she answered ; " I am a mother, and 
 am presumed to know the sound of a child s cough when 
 I hear one." 
 
 " Well," I said, " I am a father, I suppose, and I don 
 see why I can t tell a cough when I hear it. Listen ! " 
 
 " My dear," and my wife grasped my arm nervously, as 
 she spoke, "it proceeds from some one trying to get into 
 the house. That noise comes from a file ! " 
 
 " Nonsense ! " I replied ; " burglars would n t think of 
 breaking in here." 
 
 " Hark ! " she cried ; " I hear some one on the stairs." 
 
 We both sat up in bed, with our eyes fixed upon the
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 39 
 
 door. Again were heard the hard, harsh notes that first 
 aroused me. There was no mistaking the sound this time, 
 and my wife said, 
 
 " It is the little boy ; he was out too much to-day, and 
 though I tried hard to do so, I could n t keep him in." 
 
 The door opened at this moment, and Katy entered. 
 
 " Oh, ma am, the little boy coughs so, and I don t know 
 what to give him. I think he has the croup, ma am." 
 
 " Go back to the nursery immediately," my wife said 
 " and I will be there in a minute." 
 
 My wife rose, went to the closet, selected the proper 
 remedies, and opened the door to depart. 
 
 " Well," she asked, turning to me, " are you not going 
 with me ? " 
 
 " What good can I do ? " I replied. " I don t see why I 
 should get up in the middle of the night, and go trotting 
 around the house because you do. If I could be of any 
 possible service, I would go, of course." 
 
 " Well, it would only look fatherly in you to do it," she 
 answered. " Will you go ? " 
 
 " My dear," I said, " if there be one thing I dislike more 
 than another, it is to gel up in the middle of the night. 
 I 11 go if it be necessary ; but don t you wait for me, for it 
 will take me some time to dress, and the little fellow needs 
 you there at once." 
 
 My wife departed. 
 
 I laid down, deciding to remain where I was, rather 
 than go where I knew I should be in the way. Ten 
 minutes passed, during which time the little boy coughed 
 occasionally, but each time it was looser and more natural. 
 Then, satisfied that he was improving under his mother s 
 treatment, I resolved to go to sleep. Scarcely were my 
 eyes closed, when Katy tapped at the door. 
 
 " Come in," I cried. 
 
 "The mistress would like to have you come to the 
 nursery to see the little boy."
 
 40 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " How is he ? " I asked. " Is he awake or asleep ? 
 
 "Oh, he is just sleeping nicely, and he looks so puity, 
 the mistress thought you d like to see him." 
 
 " Not to-night, Katy. Tell your mistress I 11 see him in 
 the morning." 
 
 Then I turned over and closed my eyes again. I had 
 gone a little distance into the land of Nod, when my wife 
 touched me on the shoulder. 
 
 " You are a humane, affectionate father, are n t you ? " she 
 said, regarding me with a severe look. 
 
 "I don t know anything to the contrary," I replied. 
 " Do you ? " 
 
 " Yes, I do," she answered. " And I must say I think 
 your conduct to-night was atrocious. Not only did you let 
 me go alone to the nursery, but when I sent for you to 
 come and see the little boy, who, for aught you knew, was 
 dying, you refused. You men are just as cruel and hard 
 hearted as you can be. We women must get up in the 
 night and attend to the children if they be sick, while you 
 sleep as soundly as if there were no cares in the world." 
 
 "But, my dear," I answered, "I was very weary, and 
 wanted to sleep." 
 
 " So did I," she replied ; " but no, I had to keep awake. 
 If I had n t, I don t know where that dear little boy would 
 have been by this time. It is n t owing to you that he is 
 now alive." 
 
 " Well, I should just like to know," I said, maliciously, 
 to whom it is owing, if not to me ? " 
 
 O 7 
 
 "Well, I will tell you," said my wife; "it is to me 
 and " 
 
 " Who ? " I asked, raising myself on one elbow, and re 
 garding her closely, as she paused a moment before utter 
 ing the final name. 
 
 " Katy, to be sure," she continued. " Were n t we 
 obliged, I should like to know, to soak the little fellow s 
 feet, and rub sweet oil upon his chest, ard put flannels,
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 4] 
 
 dipped into hot vinegar and pepper, around his throat, and 
 coax him to take medicine ? " 
 
 " Oh ! " I exclaimed, as I sunk down among the pillows, 
 " I thought " - 
 
 " Never mind what you thought," my wife interposed. 
 " The truth is, you only think of your own ease and com 
 fort, and never care whether I enjoy myself or not." 
 
 " My dear," I said, " you must excuse me, but I wish to 
 go to sleep. I will hear the remainder of what you have 
 to say in the morning ; because if there be one thing I 
 dislike more than another, it is to listen to a curtain-lecture 
 at night." 
 
 " For a married man of your experience," she said, " it 
 seems to me you are vastly particular. Now it appears to 
 me that if I wished to lecture you which, thank fortune, 
 I do not that the present time would be the most appro 
 priate, and also the least liable to interruption. You can 
 not say, though, that I have ever condescended to lecture 
 you. I trust I have more respect for my husband than to 
 utter a word to him which would have the effect of lower 
 ing him in my own estimation. I do think, however, that 
 you sometimes deserve a reprimand, although you do not 
 get it." 
 
 " Will you oblige me, my love," I said, tenderly, " by go 
 ing to sleep ? " 
 
 " Certainly," she answered. 
 
 There was a silence for three minutes and a half. I 
 sunk into a dose. My wife startled me by exclaiming, 
 
 " I do think you treat me too badly. I am not allowed 
 to express an opinion of my own, and when I try to speak 
 you endeavor to stop me by telling me to go to sleep. It 
 was not so once. I have seen the time when you were 
 only too glad to listen to whatever I had to say, and would 
 willingly sit up all night, to hear me talk, if I would only 
 let you. I don t understand why you men change so after 
 marriage. I m certain I have not altered in the least.
 
 42 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 What I was, in disposition and feelings, when a girl, I am 
 now; but no one would recognize you for the amiable, 
 smooth-spoken young man of how many years ago were 
 we married ? " 
 
 " I am sure I don t know, and, what is more, I don t 
 care," I replied. " Now will you be quiet, and let me go 
 to sleep or not ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes, go to sleep if you want to," she answered ; 
 and another brief silence ensued, broken by my wife sob- 
 bingly exclaiming, 
 
 " Only fifteen years next June since we were married, 
 and to hear you say now that you don t know nor care 
 when it took place, is perfectly horrible, and something I 
 never expected to hear from your lips." 
 
 * Well, now that you have heard it," I exclaimed, " I 
 trust you will be able to go to sleep, for I tell you posi 
 tively that if there be one thing I dislike more than 
 another, it is to hear you talk after midnight." 
 
 Having uttered this, I drew the bedclothes closer about 
 me, shut my eyes firmly, and went to sleep almost. 
 
 " Husband ! " somebody said close by me. 
 
 " Well, wife, what is it ? " I inquired. 
 
 " I did n t mean everything I said to you to-night," she 
 continued. 
 
 " Nor I," I added, " everything I said to you. Good 
 night ! " 
 
 " Are you sleepy ? " she inquired. 
 
 " Yes ; good night ! " I replied. 
 
 " Good night ! " she answered.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 43 
 
 NINTH INFELICITY. 
 
 HOUSE-CLEANING. 
 
 a confounded state of disorder this house is 
 in," I said to my wife, on coming home from busi 
 ness the other afternoon ; " if I did n t know bet 
 ter, I should think we were going to move. Pray, tell me 
 what are you about ? " 
 
 " I am about to clean house, my dear," my wife replied. 
 
 " You look as if you were about to become an inmate of 
 an insane asylum," I answered ; for my wife was shockingly 
 attired in a dressing-gown that had seen better days and 
 many house-cleanings. She carried a long-handled feather 
 duster in her hand, and had a cap on her head. 
 
 " Oh, you may sneer at me as much as you please," she 
 said ; " but I presume you would find a difference in the 
 appearance of the house if it were not that I superintended 
 the cleanings." 
 
 " What possible good is accomplished," I asked, " by 
 turning the house upside down in this manner ? For my 
 part, I never could see that you improve its appearance in 
 the least by doing so ; it is simply a confounded bore, and 
 I have come to the opinion that if there be one thing I 
 dislike more than another, it is house-cleaning." 
 
 ; One thing is very certain," she replied, " which is, that 
 you men know nothing about it. Look at that cobweb in 
 lie corner there ! " 
 
 And my wife made an attack with the long-handled 
 feather duster upon an inoffensive little cobweb, that I 
 thought rather ornamental than otherwise. 
 
 o 
 
 " Now, don t you think," I said, " that if you were to
 
 44 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 clean one room at a time, that it would be a great deal bet 
 ter than throwing the entire house into confusion at once ? 
 Devote one week, for instance, to the cleaning of the par 
 lors, another to the dining-room, and so on. That is my 
 plan." 
 
 " At that rate, house-cleaning would last through an 
 entire year, and I, for one, am not disposed to adopt your 
 plan. No, I want to put it all into as small a space as 
 possible, and get through with it as speedily as I can. If 
 I were to follow your suggestion, the dust and dirt raised 
 in cleaning one room would be sure to settle, or in some 
 way get into another room just put to rights, and the re 
 sult would be that house-cleaning would never end. No ; 
 everything must be done at once." 
 
 " Well, my dear," I said, " I 11 not attempt to argue the 
 matter with you, for I know it would be a very useless 
 task; but I must say that my mother, who understood 
 these things, used to " 
 
 " Of course," my wife interrupted, " your mother did 
 very differently from what I do. She was differently situ 
 ated, and could do as she pleased. A widow, left as your 
 mother was, could have her own way in a great many mat 
 ters which we poor wives cannot follow. I know your 
 mother was a very remarkable woman ; but I trust that I 
 do my duty to you and my children and my house, as well 
 as I know how. I don t," continued my wife, putting the 
 end of the handle of the feather duster into the corner 
 of her eye, and brushing out an imaginary tear, " think it 
 fair, or honorable, or generous, or husbandlike in you to be 
 always telling me how much better your mother kept house 
 than I do. I wish to gracious you had married your 
 mother." 
 
 " Pooh ! pooh ! " I exclaimed ; " you know that would n t 
 have been proper. I might have married your mother, 
 though, which would have been as near as I could come to 
 gratifying your wish." 
 
 My wife smiled.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 45 
 
 " My mother would n t have had you, sir," she said. 
 
 " She would not have shown as good taste, then, as her 
 daughter did," I replied. 
 
 " Her daughter sometimes regrets the ( good taste she 
 showed," my wife said, mischievously. 
 
 " I think you are mistaken, my dear," I answered ; " but 
 I am ready to waive the question, provided you will tell me 
 when dinner will be ready. It is six o clock, and as yet I 
 see no signs of it." 
 
 " I thought I told you, before you went away this morn 
 ing," my wife made answer, "that you would have to get 
 your dinner down-town, for that we should have none." 
 
 " You did say so," I replied ; " but I supposed it was 
 simply a hint for me to send home something from the 
 market, which I did." 
 
 " I know you did enough to feed the aldermen and 
 their assistants with. How did you think it could be 
 cooked when we were cleaning house ? " 
 
 " I did n t know you were going to clean house," I said. 
 " I wish to gracious I had ; I would n t have come home till 
 midnight." 
 
 " Yes, and left your poor wife here in the dust and dis 
 order, while you were feasting and enjoying yourself. I 
 am glad, now, you have not been to dinner, for you can see 
 what I have to put up with ! how I have to get along, 
 and how uncomfortable, even to me, house-cleaning is." 
 
 " I presume it is, my dear," I said, in a mollified tone of 
 voice, for I was desirous of having my dinner, and did not 
 care to provoke my wife ; " and I am very sorry that you 
 deem it necessary to engage in it. Why don t you sit 
 down quietly, and let the servants do the work. I don t 
 think it necessary for you to lift a finger to it." 
 
 " Nicely the house would be cleaned, indeed," she replied, 
 " if I did not. You men know nothing about it, and I 
 just wish you would n t speak another word on the subject." 
 
 "Very well, let me have some dinner," I replied, "to
 
 46 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 put into my mouth, and I will not. If there be one thing 
 I dislike more than another, it is going without my din 
 ner." 
 
 " I am sure I don t know," said my wife, " what you will 
 have to eat, for it is utterly impossible for me, or either 
 of the servants, to stop work at present to cook anything." 
 
 " Oh, anything will answer," I said ; " a piece of cold 
 meat-pie, or a slice of boiled ham, for instance. That, to 
 gether with an apple-tart and a glass of wine, I think, will 
 suffice. Let one of the servants set the table in the library, 
 and then send the things up, if you please." 
 
 My wife laughed. 
 
 " If you think," she said, " that we have any meat-pie or 
 boiled ham in the house, you are greatly mistaken." 
 
 " Why, we had some yesterday," I answered. " Where 
 has it gone to ? " 
 
 " Gone to ? " echoed my wife. " Don t you suppose the 
 children and servants must eat ? " 
 
 " Why, yes, certainly," I answered ; " but " 
 
 " But what ? " interrupted my wife. " You don t think a 
 meat-pie will last forever, I trust ? " 
 
 " No," I answered ; " but my mother, at house-cleaning 
 time, always had a meat-pie and boiled ham in the cup 
 board." 
 
 " There it is again," exclaimed my wife ; " you are al 
 ways comparing my housekeeping with your mother s, and 
 I don t like it I endeavor to do the best I can, and if I 
 fail to have a meat-pie and a boiled ham in the house 
 whenever you ask for them, I am certain to have your 
 mother s ways cast into my face. I don t do things as your 
 mother did, I know, and, what is more, I don t intend to. 
 If you are not satisfied with my manner of keeping house, 
 why, you had better hire a housekeeper who will suit you 
 better. I never heard my father and he was a most fas 
 tidious man complain of my mother s housekeeping, and 
 she taught me. Everybody who knew my mother always
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 47 
 
 said that she was the neatest and most perfect of house 
 keepers." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed ; " don t say anything 
 more to me about your mother, for if there be one thing I 
 dislike more than another, it is to hear about her housekeep 
 ing. But all this time, while you are talking about the ex 
 cellent housekeeping qualities of your mother and yourself, 
 I am starving. Now, once for all, can I have my dinner 
 or not?" 
 
 "Certainly," answered my wife ; "just so soon as I am 
 able to get it for you." 
 
 " When will that be ? " I asked. 
 
 " In about an hour," she replied. 
 
 " I can t wait so long," I said. " I have an engagement 
 to meet a gentleman, on particular business, at eight 
 o clock, and here it is seven. I see that I 11 have to go -out 
 and get my dinner elsewhere ; there is no help for it. I 11 
 have a good one, at all events," I added, as I drew on my 
 gloves. 
 
 " Yes, you had better go," said my wife, " and leave me 
 here to eat dry bread, while you spend two or three dollars 
 on a dinner. My father never left my mother, when in 
 this way." 
 
 " What do you mean," I inquired, slightly startled, " by 
 in this way ? " 
 
 " Why, in the midst of house-cleaning, of course," she 
 replied ; " what other way could I mean ? " 
 
 " Oh ! " I said, much relieved by her explanation, " I 
 thought, perhaps, that you meant " 
 
 " Sir," said my wife, indignantly, " you will oblige me, 
 now, by going out and getting your dinner wherever you 
 please, and paying just as much for it as you like. But my 
 father " 
 
 " My dear," I said, interrupting her, " if there be one 
 thing I dislike more than another, it is to hear about your 
 father. Good-bye ! "
 
 48 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 I placed my hand on the knob of the door, to open it, 
 when Katy, entering the room, said that dinner was on the 
 table. Immediately I turned to my wife, who had been 
 arranging her hair, and performing other toilet duties, dur 
 ing our confab, and, offering her my arm, which she took, 
 we proceeded to the dining-room.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 49 
 
 TENTH INFELICITY. 
 
 GOING TO CHURCH. 
 
 you think, my dear," I said to my wife, on 
 Sunday morning, as we sat together in the li 
 brary, " that you had better prepare for church, 
 instead of passing the time in reading ? " 
 
 " Yes," she replied, " as soon as I have finished this 
 chapter." 
 
 " What are you reading ? " I inquired. 
 
 " The Life of Bishop Doane, " answered my wife. 
 
 " A very excellent work," I said ; " but if the chapter is 
 much longer, you 11 be likely to do that which the good 
 bishop never did." 
 
 " What is that ? " asked my wife, in some surprise. 
 
 " Why, go late to church," I answered. 
 
 " Well, I have finished now," she said, closing the vol 
 ume, " and it won t take me ten minutes to get ready." 
 
 As my wife departed, I looked at my watch. It was five 
 minutes after ten ; if she were ready in ten minutes, as she 
 said she would be, we could reach the church just at the 
 right moment. My wife had nothing to do, I thought, but 
 to put on her bonnet and shawl, and I had even less to per 
 form. I turned to my reading. When I looked at my 
 watch again, the ten minutes had elapsed. Then I gave 
 my wife three minutes grace ; still she did not come. [ 
 opened the door and called to her. 
 
 " My dear," I cried, " are you coming to-day or not ? 
 
 She thought it highly probable that she would. 
 
 "But unless you come very soon," I said, "we shall be 
 4
 
 50 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 late ; and if there be one thing I dislike more than another, 
 it is being late at church." 
 
 Two minutes more elapsed ; then I said, 
 
 " My dear, I 11 not wait another moment ; I am going." 
 
 " Very well," she replied, " I will overtake you ; go on." 
 
 But I did n t go on. I waited for her. Another minute 
 elapsed. 
 
 " Are n t you ever coming ? " I asked. 
 
 " Yes," was all the answer she vouchsafed. 
 
 I could endure it no longer ; so I went up-stairs where 
 she was. She had n t even her bonnet and shawl on, but 
 stood before the mirror arranging her hair. 
 
 " What in the name of goodness ! " I exclaimed, " have 
 you been doing ? " 
 
 " Why, preparing myself for church," she replied. " You 
 don t think I would go unless I looked as well as any one 
 there ; do you ? " 
 
 " Oh, of course not," I said ; " we go to church to show 
 ourselves, and for no other purpose ; " and I leaned my 
 elbow on the corner of the toilet-table, as if I would like 
 to argue the matter. 
 
 " Be careful," she exclaimed, " or you will knock off that 
 bottle of cologne ! " 
 
 I changed my position to the opposite side of the table. 
 
 " There ! " she said, " you have managed to upset the 
 bottle of hair-oil, and have covered your coat-sleeve with 
 powder." 
 
 " Confound your flour I " I said ; " why can t you leave it in 
 the kitchen where it belongs. Now, who has got my wisp- 
 broom, I d like to know ? " 
 
 " The little boy was sweeping the stairs with it yesterday," 
 my wife said, " and I told him to put it back where it be 
 longed." 
 
 " But why didn t you do it yourself?" I asked; you 
 might have known he would not do it" 
 
 " Now there is no use in talking about it," she said ,-
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 51 
 
 " but I can t forever be picking up after that boy. Come, 
 if you wish me to get ready for church, you must n t stand 
 before the glass any longer pulling out gray hairs from 
 your whiskers, but let me see how to put on my bonnet." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " I have no gray hairs ; 
 but if I had, I would not use pomatum and hair-dye, as 
 some one whom I know does, to hide them." 
 
 "!Now, I should just like to know who you mean by 
 some one, " my wife said, "for you are well aware it can t 
 apply to me." 
 
 " Perhaps not," I answered ; " but come, we shall be late 4 
 and if there be one thing I dislike more than another, it is 
 to enter church after the services have commenced." 
 
 " Well, assist me with putting on my shawl, and I shall 
 be ready." 
 
 I placed the shawl as gently as possibly on her shoulders. 
 
 " Stop \ " she exclaimed ; " you are crumpling my collar ; 
 put the shawl under, not over it. There, that is better ; but 
 you men never will learn how to assist a lady in dressing. 
 Come, let us go." 
 
 " Suppose you wait," I said, " till I get on my gloves. I 
 don t want to make my toilet in the street." 
 
 " Why, I thought you were ready half an hour ago," my 
 wife said. " Then you were not waiting for me, after all ! " 
 
 " When one has to help his wife put on her shawl, and 
 then has to hunt for something to brush a lot of flour from 
 his coat, he can t very well be putting on his gloves." 
 
 " It was n t flour, as you well know, but powder for the 
 complexion." 
 
 " Well, I don t care what it is," I said ; " but at all events 
 it is a miserable article to have on one s coat. Confound 
 these gloves, just see how they re ripped ! " 
 
 " That is because you are in such haste to get them on. 
 With a little more patience on your part they would not 
 have been torn." 
 
 Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " how can I have patience 
 when you stand there hurrying me to death ? "
 
 52 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " There it is again," she said ; " you can t endure for me 
 to say a word to hasten your movements, but I must put 
 up with being talked to, and urged, and actually threatened, 
 if I stop a single minute longer than you think necessary 
 to arrange my hair or dress. You almost hurried the life 
 out of me when you were n t near ready yourself, and now 
 I have to wait for you. I am sure it won t be my fault if 
 we are late to church." 
 
 That we shall be late," I said, " there is no doubt, for it 
 is full half-past ten now." 
 
 Then we shall have plenty of time," my wife said, " for 
 our church does not commence until eleven o clock." 
 
 Oh ! " I exclaimed, much relieved, " I thought it began 
 at half-past ten. Why did n t you tell me this before, and 
 then I would n t have hurried so ? " 
 
 Why, I thought you knew it ; but never mind," she 
 said ; " now we can walk leisurely to church, and not get 
 heated nor tired." 
 
 And my wife stepped before the mirror to rearrange the 
 Mowers in her bonnet. 
 
 " I have n t heard you say yet how you liked my new 
 bonnet," she added. " Don t you think it pretty ? " 
 
 " Of course it is," I said ; " anything I select is pretty." 
 
 " But you did not select this," my wife said, smiling. 
 
 " What ! is n t it the one I sent home from Miss Mo 
 diste s ? " I asked. 
 
 " No, indeed," my wife answered ; " that was a frightful 
 bonnet, and I sent it immediately back, and went myself 
 and chose another. This cost six dollars more than the 
 one you selected." 
 
 Well, if you are pleased, my dear, I am," I said ; " but 
 don t now remember ever again ask me to stop at a 
 milliner s to select a bonnet for you. 
 
 " Just think, my dear," I continued, as we walked toward 
 church, " how much good the six dollars additional which 
 you paid for that hat might have clone, if it had been given 
 to the church, and used in charitable works."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 53 
 
 " It is not likely you would have given it for such a pur 
 pose," my wife said, sarcastically ; " but it would probably 
 have been spent in a dinner for yourself and a friend down 
 town. At least, I thought so ; and therefore I decided to 
 invest it in a bonnet, rather than have you devour it." 
 
 " Perhaps you are right," I said ; " but at all events we 
 will say no more about it at present, for we are now at the 
 church-door, which, when we have entered, we should put 
 away from our minds all thoughts connected with the pomps 
 and vanities of this , world ; especially should we seek to 
 avoid thinking about our outward appearance, but, with 
 humble and contrite hearts, robe our spirits in sackcloth 
 and ashes." 
 
 Having thus spoken, we entered the church. 
 
 " My dear," I said, as I took off my hat, " how does my 
 hair look ? I forgot to brush it before we left the house." 
 My wife nodded, as if to say it looked charmingly. 
 
 " My collar ? " I asked, as we walked down the aisle ; " does 
 it sit well?" 
 
 Again my wife nodded. After we had entered our pew : 
 
 " My love," I whispered, " it seems to me as if some of 
 that confounded powder is clinging to my coat-sleeve ; 
 please brush it off, will you ? " 
 
 My wife enjoined silence by placing her finger on her 
 lips. Then the clergyman and congregation rose, and the 
 service commenced. I could not but wonder, though, dur 
 ing the prayers and sermon, whether my wife was not 
 thinking about her new bonnet, and if the congregation 
 generally, and the Misses Flamingo, in the next pew back 
 of us, especially, were not admiring the same. Though, 
 for my own part, if there be one thing I dislike more than 
 another, it is letting my thoughts wander while in church 
 toward my neighbor s dress.
 
 54 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 ELEVENTH INFELICITY. 
 
 EARLY IN THE MORNING. 
 
 HERE must be different regulations in this house, 
 my dear," I said, rearranging my pillow, after a 
 vain attempt to gain a short nap, " for I won t en 
 dure any longer having the children wake me so early in 
 the morning. If they will get up before daylight, they 
 must remain in the nursery, and not come into our room 
 with their laughter and shouts of Good-morning ! The 
 fact is. if there be one thing I dislike more than another, it 
 is to be aroused from my slumbers with cries of Good- 
 morning, for it is anything but good to be thus disturbed." 
 
 " But you must allow, my dear," rejoined my wife, " that 
 it is very pretty in the children to do this. Then that 
 little three year old one, who always adds to her good 
 morning a wish you merry Christmas, can anything be 
 more childlike and beautiful ? " 
 
 " Oh, it s all well enough," I said ; " but I don t see the 
 use of it so early in the morning. If she would say it at 
 night, when she goes to bed, I could better appreciate it. 
 It has always been a matter of wonderment to me why 
 children will wake with the birds." 
 
 " The reason is very simple," my wife answered ; " it is 
 because they go to bed with them. No sooner do you 
 come home in the afternoon, than you begin to tell the 
 children it is time for them to prepare for bed ; and, even 
 when you are in the best of humor, you don t seem con 
 tented until they are safely ensconced in their cribs. 
 Now, if you were to go to bed at six or seven o clock.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 55 
 
 as they do, I think you would also wake up as early in 
 the morning." 
 
 " Perhaps so, I replied ; " but what would be the 
 object for me to go to bed so early ? " 
 
 " Why, as you tell the children," my wife said, maliciously 
 " to make you grow." 
 
 Now, I am rather short ; but I think my age warrants 
 me in presuming I shall never be any taller, so that when 
 my wife answered as she did, it provoked me. Although 
 not a perfect angel of a man, I have the faculty of control 
 ling my temper when I think it desirable to do so, and, on 
 the present occasion, I contented myself with silently wish 
 ing my amiable spouse in Jericho. Seeing I made no 
 answer, my wife continued, 
 
 " If it were not that the children woke you, you would n t 
 get up till ten o clock. Notwithstanding they wake you 
 thus early, you don t rise until the bell is rung for break 
 fast, and then I have to call you, over and over again, 
 until my breath is almost gone, and I have n t strength left 
 to serve the coffee." 
 
 " I should not think it required a great deal of strength 
 to open the faucet of the coffee-urn, especially as I have 
 heard you complain that it often drops of its own accord, 
 and allows the coffee to run at will." 
 
 " Oh, well, make as much sport of me as you like ; but 
 don t complain if, when you go to breakfast this morning, 
 everything on the table, including the coffee, be cold, for, 
 positively, I will not call you. If you won t get up when 
 the bell rings, why you can lie abed and eat a cold break 
 fast after the others have finished." 
 
 " Very well, my dear," I said, " have it your own way ; 
 though if I can t have my breakfast, and a hot one at that, 
 any hour I may wish it, in this house, why, I can get it 
 it Delmonico s when I go down-town. On the whole, I 
 think I should prefer, for a change, to do so. I should not 
 have to wait on the children, carving tough steaks, nor will 
 you have to turn out coffee for me."
 
 50 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Well, do you know," said my wife, " I really believe 
 you would like to do that. I think you would actually enjoy 
 taking your meals away from your family. You would n t 
 mind anything about the expense of such proceedings, so 
 long as it was Jo r your gratification ; but if I should do so, 
 you would declare it the height of foolishness. Why, if I 
 stop at Mendes and get a cup of chocolate, some day when 
 I am wearied out with shopping for you and the children, 
 you think it extravagant, and I never, indeed, hear the last 
 of it." 
 
 " Well, but chocolate is such abominable stuff," I said ; 
 " it sticks up one s moustache so. I cannot imagine how 
 any one can like it." 
 
 " Fortunately," my wife said, " I have no moustache to 
 be soiled with it, and, besides, I like chocolate." 
 
 " Very well, if you like it," I said, " I am sure I have no 
 objection to your drinking it ; but don t, for gracious sake, 
 be recommending it to me, for if there be one thing I dis 
 like more than another, it is chocolated" 
 
 "But I have not recommended it," my wife* replied, 
 "though I think it would be better for you to drink than 
 the strong coffee you now use. Coffee makes you nervous 
 and irritable." 
 
 " I am not irritable," I said ; " and I doubt if a more 
 even-tempered and amiable man does, or ever did, or ever 
 will exist, than I am." 
 
 " My father," began my wife ; but I interrupted her with 
 declaring that I didn t wish to hear a word about her 
 father or his amiability. My wife put her handkerchief to 
 her eyes. 
 
 " No ! " she exclaimed, " you never will permit me to 
 say a word about my dear dead father. If he had known, 
 when he resigned me to you, that you would have treated 
 me in the harsh manner in which you do, he never would 
 have given his consent for you to marry me." 
 
 " Then ours would have been a runaway match, my dear,
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 57 
 
 that is certain ; for you were so deeply in love with me that 
 all the fathers in Christendom couldn t have kept you 
 away from me." 
 
 Oh, yes, you may say that," my wife said, smiling in 
 spite of herself; " but if you think such light talk is going 
 to make me forget your unkind expressions in regard to 
 my father, you are much mistaken. I only wish I had 
 known as mucn when I married you as I now do." 
 
 " I really wish you had," I replied, " for then I should 
 not have experienced the annoyances which your lack of 
 housekeeping knowledge has brought upon me. If, when 
 we were first married, you had known as much about cook 
 ing as you now do, how much better I might have lived. 
 What delicate light biscuits I should have eaten, instead 
 of the heavy ones I have been obliged to devour ! What 
 juicy meats I might have carved, in place of the overdone 
 joints I have had to dissect ! What " 
 
 Never mind," interrupted my wife, " going any farther 
 into the subject, for the knowledge I regret not to have 
 possessed has no reference to any housekeeping accom 
 plishments. 1 refer to your irritable disposition, which, if 
 I had been aware you possessed, would have deterred me 
 from ever marrying you." 
 
 " Good gracious ! my dear," I exclaimed, " you don t say 
 so ! How glad I am that you did n t find it out. Just to 
 think that if you had known as much about me fifteen years 
 ago as you do now, we would not have been married ! 
 What a narrow escape I had of being a bachelor ! " 
 
 There it is again," said my wife ; " make as much fun 
 about what I say as you like ; sneer at me as much as you 
 please ; but I guess that one of these days you 11 find I am 
 in earnest." 
 
 " Well, my dear, all I can say is, that I should be very 
 sorry to believe it. If I am irritable, as you declare I am, 
 perhaps there are some acts of yours which serve to make 
 me so ; at all events, you must endeavor to bear with my
 
 58 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 humors, and I will endure yours. But don t you think 
 we had both better get up, for it must be nearly eight 
 o clock, and at this season of the year I don t care to lie 
 abed any later." 
 
 And, rising, I left my amiable spouse to her reflections.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 59 
 
 TWELFTH INFELICITY. 
 
 MY WIFE HAS A HEADACHE. 
 
 : HAT in the world is the matter with you now, ray 
 dear ? " I said to my amiable spouse, who, on my 
 return home from business, I found with a white 
 handkerchief tied about her head, while a strong scent of 
 camphor pervaded the house. 
 
 " I should n t think you would have to ask what is the 
 matter, for you might know I have one of my terrible 
 headaches," my wife replied. 
 
 " Well, I am very sorry to hear it," I said. 
 
 " Of course you are very sorry to hear it," she answered, 
 * for you think I 11 not be able now to attend to getting 
 you your dinner." 
 
 " Don t, my dear," I said, " worry about dinner. There 
 is no necessity for you to go into the kitchen, that I am 
 aware of, for the cook can get dinner just as well as if you 
 were there to direct her." 
 
 " But the cook left me this morning, I would have you 
 understand, because I would not allow her to make fresh 
 coffee for her breakfast. She said that which we drank 
 was not strong enough." 
 
 " Well, never mind it," I answered. " I am glad she is 
 gone. She was very wasteful and extravagant." 
 
 " Oh, it is easy enough for you to say never mind it, 
 and you re glad she is gone, but you don t have to get the 
 dinners, and think, I suppose, that I will go into the kitchen 
 and prepare, the meals, till another cook arrives ; but 1 
 don t intend to do it." 
 
 " I am sure I do not wish you to, my dear," I said. " I
 
 GO MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 had much rather go without both breakfast and dinner than 
 for you to go into the kitchen and prepare them." 
 
 Ydu say so," said my wife, " but you don t mean it. 
 You would rather have me slave to death, and burn my 
 self up over the range, than go without your dinners. And 
 now, when my head aches so that I can barely see, I have 
 got to go and get dinner for you." 
 
 But I tell you, my dear," I replied, " that you need not. 
 I am not hungry, and I can do without any dinner to-day." 
 
 Then you must have dined down-town. That is the 
 way you like to serve me. When I am just ready to get a 
 good dinner for you, and have puzzled my brains all day 
 thinking of what you will like to eat, you come home and 
 tell me that you have no appetite, and have been to din 
 ner." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " if you want to get a 
 dinner for me, get it. I won t stop you." 
 
 " Of course you wouldn t stop me," she answered. " You d 
 let me get a dozen dinners for you in one day, even when 
 you had no appetite to eat any of them." 
 
 " You are certainly, my dear," I said, " the most un 
 reasonable woman I ever met. Now I tell you distinctly, 
 you may get me a dinner or not, as you please ; do which 
 ever you like best, and I shall be satisfied ; but if there be 
 one thing I dislike more than another, it is being obliged 
 to go without my dinner." 
 
 " Of course," chimed in my wife, " if I failed to get din 
 ner for you to-day, I should never hear the last of it. You 
 pretend not to wish me to get it, but if I did n t, I think 
 there would be an exciting time in this house. The inno 
 cent children would suffer, I know, and I would be put 
 down with all kind of expressions. I knew you were vexed 
 the moment you entered the room. The ejaculation you 
 made when you scented the camphor convinced me of that, 
 even if the hateful way in which you threw your gloves into 
 your hat had not been sufficient. Then, too, when you
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 61 
 
 drew off your boots, you let them fall heavily on the floor, 
 as if it delighted you to make my poor head ache more. 
 Oh, you men are cruel to your wives, and you take pleas 
 ure in being so ! " 
 
 " Well, never mind," I said, " saying anything more about 
 it. The fact is, I have decided to have my dinner, and if I 
 can t obtain it here, I will go where I can. It seems to me 
 you make a great fuss about a simple headache. In my 
 opinion, a headache is the lightest of all maladies. Quiet, 
 and cold-water bandages, are better than all the camphor 
 and loud talking, which are the usual accompaniments of 
 headaches in this house. Listen ! if you will lie down on 
 the lounge, and not speak another word to-night, I 11 get 
 my own dinner." 
 
 Instead of following my advice, my wife began to weep. 
 Now, if there be one thing I dislike more than another, it 
 is to see a woman in tears. I essayed to soothe my wife, 
 but she would not be soothed. 
 
 " If you choose," she said, " to make sport of me and 
 my headache, I cannot prevent it ; but you 11 be sorry for 
 it by-and-by. I sometimes think that we shall not live to 
 gether much longer." 
 
 " Now, my dear," I said, " don t speak so ; your health is 
 pretty good, notwithstanding these troublesome headaches. 
 I think, indeed, we may both live many years yet." 
 
 " Oh, I have no doubt," she replied, " but that we shall 
 both exist a score of years longer, only I think it doubtful 
 if we live together. Your treatment of me is so cruel, that 
 I fear we shall separate. And I am sure none of my friends 
 would censure me for it if they only knew what I suffer and 
 endure. For fifteen years I have borne with your irritability 
 hoping that as you grew older you would overcome it; but, 
 on the contrary, it seems to increase upon you, until now 
 there is scarcely an hour passes, when you are in the house, 
 but you are fault-finding and cavilling at something. You 
 can t endure to know that I am sick, even though I don t 
 complain, and keep my sufferings to myself."
 
 G2 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Well, now, suppose we separate," I said, " who will take 
 the children ? " 
 
 " I think," said my wife, evincing considerable feeling, 
 " that the children ought to go with me. In the first place, 
 you don t know how to take care of them. Your idea of 
 domestic government is very erroneous, and, besides, you 
 would be apt to treat them cruelly." 
 
 " Very well," I said ; " I don t think I should care to be 
 troubled with the children. You might have them and 
 welcome. I would be freer without them, and could go 
 and come as I wished, nor be obliged to consult their com 
 fort in any degree. Why I should be quite a bachelor 
 again, would n t I ? " 
 
 You seem to enjoy the idea so greatly," my wife said, 
 " that I am not certain whether it would not be conferring 
 too much happiness on you for me to obtain a separation. 
 At all events I won t do it at present." 
 
 " No, nor any time in the future, my dear," I said. " The 
 fact is, if I am hasty and irritable occasionally, as you de 
 clare, I get over it in a moment, and my spells of good 
 nature are worth more than the life-long evenness of tem 
 per which belong to other men. You obtained a prize, my 
 dear, in me, which I fear you do not appreciate as you 
 ought. But how does your head feel now, my love ? " 
 
 " I declare," said my wife, smiling, " it is entirely gone. 
 I think you must have magnetized me and drawn it away." 
 
 " I think I frightened it away," I said. " My suggestion 
 that we separate, evidently had a good effect upon you." 
 
 " But you did n t suggest it," niy wife replied. " It was I 
 who spoke of it." 
 
 " Well, it is all the same," I said ; " you or I, for we are 
 both one, you know." 
 
 " I really believe," she added, " that you do not intend to 
 vex me as you so often do ; but you must acknowledge that 
 you are provoking at times." 
 
 " Certainly," I answered, " I 11 acknowledge anything 
 that you may desire "
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 63 
 
 " Now that is provoking," she said, " and I don t want 
 you to do it." 
 
 " Very well, then," I said, " I 11 not do it ; but I deny 
 it is provoking." 
 
 " But I tell you it is," my wife replied. " It provokes 
 me." 
 
 " Very well," I said ; " then I 11 say no more about it. 
 But what about dinner ? Are we not to have any to-day ? " 
 
 " Well, the truth is," my wife said, " there is a chicken- 
 pie in the refrigerator, which, with the vegetables Katy has 
 cooked, will perhaps suffice for to-day." 
 
 " Nothing can be better," I answered ; " and if you will 
 only have a chicken-pie for dinner when you have a head 
 ache, why I don t care if you have one every week." 
 
 " Which do you mean," asked my wife, smiling, " the 
 pie or the headache ? " 
 
 " Oh, the pie, of course," I said. " As for the headache, I 
 trust you will never have one again as long as you live." 
 
 And then we went to dinner.
 
 64 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 THIRTEENTH INFELICITY. 
 
 
 
 IN THE TWILIGHT. 
 
 a confounded noise you make, my dear, with 
 that piano," I said to my amiable spouse. " Foi 
 the last half hour I have been endeavoring to get 
 a wink of sleep ; but no sooner do I lose myself than you 
 come down with a crescendo or other kind of movement, 
 which startles me as if a cannon had been fired at my side. 
 Why you can t practise in the morning, when I am absent, 
 instead of waiting until evening, when I come home, is a 
 matter I don t understand. You know well enough that if 
 there be one thing I dislike more than another, it is the 
 thrumming on a piano." 
 
 " I really thought," my wife replied, " that the air I was 
 playing would soothe and please you. It used to be a fa 
 vorite of yours before we were married, and I like it because 
 it revives happy memories." 
 
 " Well, I don t object to your reviving happy memories ; " 
 but you will greatly oblige me by letting the keys of the 
 piano rest for a while. I like to take a nap just after din 
 ner ; but for several days past I have been unable to do so, 
 because you would practise your abominable marches and 
 quicksteps. I hear enough martial music when I am down 
 town, and I don t care to listen to it after I get home." 
 
 " I fear," my wife answered, " that you are not as patri 
 otic as I wish you were." 
 
 " Oh, I am patriotic enough, my dear," I replied, " and 
 go for the Union with all my heart; but then I don t want 
 to be disturbed with having Yankee Doodle dinned into 
 my ears every hour in the twenty-four."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. Go 
 
 " But I was not playing that air, ray dear ; it was Love 
 Not, which I am sure you used to like." 
 
 " Perhaps I did"," I answered, " and I can but wish now, 
 especially that you keep me awake with it, that I had fol 
 lowed the advice it gives. I knew it was a march, too, you 
 were playing, for all the military bands employ it as a stock- 
 piece. But why will you keep drumming on that piano 
 when I have just told you I want to sleep ? " 
 
 " I had no idea," my wife said, " that you could sleep 
 when you were talking ; but, if you desire it, I will play no 
 more." 
 
 " Well, I do desire it," I said ; " and, what is more, I wish 
 you would play only in the morning, and not in the even 
 ing." 
 
 " In the morning, my dear," my wife replied, " I have 
 other things to attend to. It is only in the evening, when 
 the little ones are in their beds, that I have an opportunity 
 of touching the keys of my piano. Still I will give up my 
 music entirely, lock the instrument, and give you the key, 
 rather than you should go without your nap. I wish, 
 though, you would converse more with me than you do, 
 and not be all the time writing, or reading the newspapers, 
 or sleeping, when you are in the house." 
 
 " Well, you certainly are a most unreasonable woman, if 
 you think I have nothing to do but entertain you. Don t I 
 talk to you at the table ? " 
 
 " Yes you do," she replied ; " but what is the subject of 
 your conversation ? Simply finding fault with what you 
 are eating, and scolding the children because they, taking 
 their cue from you, refuse to eat what you give them. You 
 never relate to me what is going on in the world, nor say 
 pleasant things to me, nor tell me you love me." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " how can I tell you I 
 love you when my mouth is filled with bread and butter. 
 Besides, I told you so once, and I don t see the object in 
 continually reiterating it."
 
 66 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " A wife," she replied, " never wearies of hearing her 
 husband say he loves her. Why, even you, before we were 
 married, used to want me to say over and over again that 
 I loved you. You certainly have not forgotten it." 
 
 " I m sure I don t remember," I said ; " but, please, don t 
 say anything more about it, for I want to go to sleep." 
 
 " Well, I have not forgotten it, if you have," my wife 
 answered, with a sigh, " and it is well for you, perhaps, that 
 I do remember it?" 
 
 " Now, my love," I cried, " of course we both remember 
 it ; but won t you stop your talking so that I can take my 
 nap ; for, if there be one thing I dislike more than an 
 other, it is to be deprived of my after-dinner nap." 
 
 My wife said nothing ; but, closing the piano, she left it, 
 and taking a seat near the window, opened a volume of en 
 gravings. Hustle, rustle went the leaves. I endured it for 
 five minutes, then, 
 
 " My dear," I said, " if you expect I can sleep while you 
 are rattling the pages of that book, you are greatly mis 
 taken. You might as well play on the piano." 
 
 " You can t be very sleepy," she replied, " if this keeps 
 you awake. You are too nervous to go to sleep." 
 
 "But I will go to sleep," I said, "and I am not nei- 
 vous either. I don t see why you should wish to provoke 
 me by saying I am nervous, and seeking to keep me 
 awake." 
 
 " Such an object," she answered, " is very far from being 
 my intention ; indeed, I wish you were asleep." 
 
 " Of course," I said, " you want me to go to sleep. You 
 never seem to be at all satisfied with me unless when I am 
 asleep. Then, fortunately, you can find nothing in my 
 actions with which to find fault." 
 
 " Why, then," said the provoking woman, " don t you go 
 to sleep ? " 
 
 " Now ! " I exclaimed, " I will not go to sleep." 
 
 " Come, then," said my wife, " sit beside me, and watch 
 the twilight deepening in the west"
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 67 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " if there be one thing I 
 dislike more than another, it is to see the twilight deepen 
 ing in the west." 
 
 " Very well," my wife answered, " if you do not care for 
 it, I have nothing more to say. There was a time, how 
 ever, when it gave you pleasure to sit by me in the twilight. 
 You were more gentle to me then than you now are, and 
 never spoke a harsh or unkind word." 
 
 " Why will you forever be talking to me," I asked, " about 
 things that happened years ago, when you know very well 
 that I have forgotten all about them ? Enjoy the present, is 
 my motto, and let the past and the future take care of 
 themselves." 
 
 My wife made no reply to my last remark, so we both 
 remained silent for some minutes. At length she said, 
 
 " As you do not wish to watch the twilight, I will have 
 the gas lighted ; " and, rising from her chair, she went to 
 ward the bell. As she passed me I seized her hand, and 
 drew her to a place on the lounge beside me. 
 
 " Never mind about lighting the gas at present," I said ; 
 " the bill for it is high enough every month, without burn 
 ing it before it is dark. I want to ask you a question." 
 
 My wife, folding her hands resignedly on her lap, looked 
 off, through the window, at the deepening twilight. 
 
 " Look at me, my dear," I said, " and not out-of-doors." 
 
 She turned her eyes toward mine. There were tears in 
 them. 
 
 " I thought I should find it so," I continued ; " you are 
 always weeping. Why can t you be happy and contented, 
 as I am ? " 
 
 " Are you happy and contented ? " she asked, in reply. 
 
 " Certainly I am," I answered ; " have I not a wife who 
 loves to provoke me, and children who always are fret 
 ful and engaged in mischief! Pray, for what more can a 
 man ask ? " 
 
 " It is cruel in you as cruel as the grave to speak 
 so," my wife said.
 
 68 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Pooh ! " I exclaimed, " your heart is as soft as dough." 
 
 " Yes, and as heavy as lead," she added. 
 
 " You can t bear for me to speak a word," I said, " that 
 is not complimentary to you. But how many times have I 
 been obliged to listen to words from you which have vexed 
 me more than you can imagine ? " 
 
 " I am sure," said my wife, " I never have said aught to 
 you which has caused you half the anguish which your 
 words have caused me. If, in spite of all you have said to 
 me, I did not believe that you loved me, I should, indeed, 
 be broken-hearted. I make many allowances for you which 
 I would not for another, as I know you were a petted boy, 
 spoiled to such a degree, indeed, through indulgence, that 
 I often wonder you passed as scathless through such a try 
 ing ordeal as you have. Naturally, you possess a good 
 heart, but " 
 
 Say no more, my dear," I interrupted, taking her hand, 
 you speak like an oracle. I was spoilt, and I fear my 
 wife is not changing the early treatment. You know, I 
 am certain or else you would not endure it as patiently 
 as you do that I am far from meaning any of the cruel 
 and provoking words I often say, but that, even at the mo 
 ment I am uttering them, my heart actually grieves for the 
 pain I know I am causing you, and yearns to clasp you to 
 my breast, as once I did, and now again I do, and, with 
 the twilight deepening in the west, whisper, I love you, 
 love you, darling one ! "
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 69 
 
 FOUKTEENTH INFELICITY. 
 
 THE MORNING AFTER. 
 
 HAT in the world is the matter with you ? " I 
 asked my wife, when, after having finished my 
 breakfast, I moved my chair back from the table 
 preparatory to reading the morning papers. 
 
 " Nothing," she replied, in a tone, however, which clearly 
 signified the reverse. 
 
 " But I know there is," I answered ; " for you have 
 spoken scarcely a word since I sat down to breakfast." 
 
 " I did not suppose," she said, " that you cared to have 
 me speak. It does not seem probable that a husband, who 
 will leave his wife alone an entire evening, as you have 
 done, could have any wish to hear her utter a word." 
 
 " A good deal will depend, my dear, under those circum 
 stances," I replied, " as to what the subject of her conver 
 sation may be. If she be likely to find fault with him for 
 having passed one evening out of say a month, away from 
 home, why, then, I think she had better remain silent." 
 
 " Oh, you think so, do you ! " she exclaimed ; " then all 
 I can say is, that, so far as I am concerned, I will not have 
 my tongue tied, but will tell you just what I think of such 
 acts." 
 
 " Very well, my dear," I said. " Go on ; I will listen. 
 But first let me tell you that I think it was very unkind in 
 you not to sit up for me last night. A good wife will sit up 
 for her husband, when he is out, until morning, if he come 
 not home before. Then, too, let me tell you, it is con 
 foundedly unpleasant to find all the lights out, and the 
 very gas itself turned off, and not a candle or match to be
 
 70 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 found anywhere. If it had not been for the moonlight 
 which streamed in at the window, I should have broken 
 my neck stumbling over the chairs, which, it seems to me, 
 were purposely placed where I might run against them. 
 Now, if there be one thing I dislike more than another, it 
 is to break my neck stumbling over chairs in the dark." 
 
 Well, you are a nice man, I must say," my wife replied. 
 " I really had no idea that you were in the extreme state 
 which your own words imply. In the first place, the gas 
 was left burning, and, now that you have drawn my atten 
 tion to it, I see it is burning at this moment : please turn 
 it off, will you ? In the next, it was raining hard when you 
 came home, and consequently the moon was not shining. 
 As for your not being able to find the candle and matches, 
 why, I think it would prove a matter of little consequence 
 to one who could not tell gas-light from moonlight, though, 
 so far as the fact of the case goes, both the candle and 
 matches were in their usual place. Lastly, as to your 
 breaking your neck by stumbling over chairs, why all I 
 have to say is, that I think you will be likely to live a 
 thousand years before such an event occurs. What I most 
 look at and regret, however, is that you are setting a most 
 pernicious example to the children." 
 
 Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " what a woman you are 
 to talk. Why the children were sound asleep when I re 
 turned, and if you did n t tell them, they would n t know 
 whether I came home on my head or feet I must say, too, 
 I think it was very wrong in you to pretend to be asleep, 
 and allow me to stumble around in the dark as you did." 
 
 " But, I tell you, it was not dark," my wife replied ; " I 
 saw every step you took, and if you had broken your neck 
 over the chairs, as you imagine you almost did, I should 
 have been the first to have known it." 
 
 " I suppose you would have known it," I said, " even be 
 fore I were aware of it myself." 
 
 " Very likely," she answered, " for you seemed to know
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 71 
 
 very little. But suppose, now, you tell me where you were 
 last evening. You left the house, saying you were going 
 to the druggist s, and would return in a few moments. I 
 waited for you patiently till eleven o clock, when I went to 
 bed, and I know it must have been after twelve when you 
 came home. I did not know but that you had been robbed 
 and murdered, and I really was very much alarmed about 
 
 you." 
 
 " You must have been exceedingly alarmed," I answered 
 to have gone to sleep as you did. The fact is, if there be 
 one thing I dislike more than another, it is to come home 
 and find my wife abed." 
 
 " You have just said the contrary," the amiable woman 
 answered, " when you have found me sitting up for you. 
 The truth is, there is no pleasing you men. We poor 
 women are snubbed and curbed at every step in life by you 
 lords of creation. Oh, I sometimes wish I were a man, if 
 it were only to show your sex how to treat ours properly. 
 But you have not yet told me where you were last night." 
 
 " Oh, I went," I replied, " to hear Madame Bishop sing 
 the Flag of Our Union, and I wish you had been with 
 me." 
 
 " I should have liked nothing better," she answered ; 
 " but you never asked me to accompany you. Well, how 
 were you pleased ? " 
 
 " Oh, I did n t hear her," I said ; " I met a friend who 
 invited me to go and see the Clinton Guards drill. They 
 are a splendid corps, my dear. I wish you had been with 
 me." 
 
 " 1 wish I had," my wife replied ; " but remember you did 
 not ask me. Tell me, though, how the Guards appeared." 
 
 " Well, actually, my dear," I replied, " I did n t see them. 
 My friend and myself thought we d stop first and take some 
 oysters at the Waverley ; and while eating them, we con 
 cluded we would go to the Winter Garden and hear Edwin 
 Booth in Hamlet. Really, I wish you had been with us."
 
 72 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " I wish I had," my wife answered, " for, of course, you 
 went to the Winter Garden." 
 
 " Well, no," I answered ; " but what a woman you are to 
 ask questions. You d make a good lawyer. I hope you 
 are through now, at all events, for if there be one thing I 
 dislike more than another, it is to be cross-questioned." 
 
 " But you have not told me yet where you went," she 
 said. " So you did n t hear Booth, after all ? " 
 
 " Not exactly," I replied, " although we met a friend 
 of my friend s whose name was Booth, and with whom we 
 took some more oysters." 
 
 " Oh, you took more oysters, did you ! " my wife ejacu 
 lated. " I noticed your appetite was exceedingly limited 
 this morning. Well, after these second oysters, where did 
 you go ? " 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " I won t answer any 
 more questions. I have patiently borne being catechized 
 till you have extracted from me everything that I can tell 
 about where I went, and what I did, last night ; and I 
 won t endure it any longer. If you want to know anything 
 more, you 11 have to see my friends and ask them." 
 
 " I am afraid, my dear," my wife replied, sadly, " that 
 you went somewhere that you would not care to have me 
 know." 
 
 " Well, you certainly are a most suspicious and foolish 
 woman," I said, " to think your husband would go where 
 he would be ashamed to take his wife. I only wish you 
 had been with me." 
 
 " I truly wish I had," she replied. 
 
 " The fact is, my dear," I said, " that, after the second 
 plate of oysters, I started to come home." 
 
 " Well, you stopped and got more oysters, I presume ? " 
 my wife suggested. 
 
 " Yes, I believe we did," I replied ; " and then after 
 that, some time I don t know when, exactly I ^ot 
 home. I am afraid I ate too many oysters, my dear, fo 7
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 73 
 
 have quite a headache this morning. Do you think that 
 oysters, as a general thing, are as good in June as they 
 are earlier in the season ? " 
 
 " I don t think they are, especially too many of them," 
 my wife replied, with a sad smile ; " and, my dear, let me 
 beg of you not to eat any more with your and your friend s 
 friend. Promise me that, will you ? " 
 
 I promised, by kissing her on the cheek, as I smoothed 
 the hair from her brow. 
 
 " And you 11 not go to hear Madame Bishop, or to see 
 the Guards drill, or to the Winter Garden," she continued, 
 " unless you take me with you ? " 
 
 I said I would not, and then why, then she kissed 
 me.
 
 74 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 FIFTEENTH INFELICITY. 
 
 * 
 
 SEEING THE SEVENTH HOME. 
 
 [HERE it is again!" exclaimed my wife, in her 
 most provoking tone, as I entered the house at a 
 rather late hour on Saturday evening. 
 
 " There what is again ? " I asked. 
 
 " Why, your staying out till midnight, and eating oysters," 
 she replied. 
 
 " Not an oyster," I said ; " you are much mistaken if you 
 think I have tasted of any. All I have partaken of since 
 my breakfast this morning has been a bite of the rations of 
 our artist-soldier friend of the Seventh, and a sip of elder 
 berry wine." 
 
 " Has the Seventh Regiment returned home ? " asked my 
 wife. 
 
 " It has," I answered, " and a noble and hearty reception 
 it received." 
 
 " What time did it arrive ? " my wife inquired. 
 
 " Oh, about four o clock," I said ; " but the soldiers did n t 
 reach their armory till late in the evening. So I concluded 
 to stay down-town and welcome our friend." 
 
 " Yes ! that is always the way," she remarked ; " you think 
 nothing of staying away from your family, and witnessing 
 all the military displays, while I am obliged to remain at 
 home, and watch the children. And this evening, while 
 you ve been enjoying yourself, listening to pleasant conver 
 sation, I have been sitting up for you till my head aches, 
 and I am ready to fall asleep." 
 
 " Then why," I said, " did you not go to bed ? Now, if 
 Jhere be one thing I dislike more than another, it is to have
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 75 
 
 my wife sit up for me when I am out. I wish to gracious 
 women would know enough to go to bed when they are 
 sleepy." 
 
 " I shall, probably," replied my wife, " follow such a course 
 in future, for there is no telling what will suit you. I some 
 times think I 11 never again endeavor to please you, but will 
 do everything for my own gratification." 
 
 " Very well," I replied, " suit yourself, and, of course, I 
 shall be satisfied." 
 
 " To-day, for instance," my wife continued, " when you 
 went away at morning you said you would be home early, 
 and wished me to have dinner ready for you at five o clock. 
 I did have it ready for you, and, what is more, I had one 
 which I knew you would like. Some of the dishes I pre 
 pared ; but five o clock came and my lord did not make 
 his appearance. He was looking at the Seventh Regiment 
 marching up Broadway, and never gave a thought to his 
 poor wife at home, who was waiting dinner for him, and 
 worrying her life almost out because, forsooth, it was spoil- 
 ing." 
 
 " What ! the dinner or the life ? " I asked, cruelly. 
 
 " Both, my lord," she answered. 
 
 " Proceed, my lady," I said ; " your lord is all attention." 
 
 " I have nothing more to say," she added, " and now I 
 think I will retire. Good night ! " 
 
 " But," I exclaimed, " I have not been to dinner yet, and 
 I don t think it would be justifiable in you to go to bed 
 and leave me here to starve ; for if there be one thing I 
 dislike more than another, it is to be starved to death." 
 
 " I think," she answered, " there is very little fear of your 
 coming to that pass. You know where the refrigerator is, 
 and you can help yourself to anything you find in it. I am 
 not going to set the table and get dinner for you after mid 
 night. Besides, you told me, I think, that you had been 
 dining with the artist-soldier of the Seventh off of his ra 
 tions. If that is the case, I don t see why you should want 
 another dinner."
 
 76 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " I only said I had a 
 bite. You don t think I could make a meal off of salt 
 corned beef and stale bread, do you ? " 
 
 " Why not, if your friend, who is as accustomed to good 
 fare as you are, could ? " 
 
 " Oh, that is very well," I replied, " for you to say ; but 
 remember, he is used to it by this time, while I am not. By 
 the way, I brought home, for your especial delectation, a 
 bit of the ration referred to ; there it is ; help yourself." 
 
 " Why ! " exclaimed my wife, regarding the meat with 
 evident surprise and repugnance, " they have cut it the 
 wrong way." 
 
 " Oh," I replied, " I imagine it matters very little to the 
 soldiers in which manner it is cut, if they but get enough 
 of it." 
 
 " You don t mean to say," my wife added, " that our 
 friend, who paints such exquisite landscapes, has lived on 
 such food ever since he has been away ? " 
 
 " I mean to say," I replied, " that that bit of corned beef 
 is an excellent sample of what the government provides for 
 our soldiers. The quality of it, I am assured, is better than 
 what is usually given out. If any private soldier has had 
 better food than that, he has been obliged to pay for it out 
 of his own pocket. I am inclined to think that some of 
 our poor fellows don t even get enough of inferior rations." 
 
 " Then they must have a hard time of it," said my wife, 
 " and the government is to blame. I have a great mind to 
 offer my services as cook to one of the regiments." 
 
 " That would be extremely patriotic," I said ; " but it 
 seems to me that patriotism, like charity, should begin at 
 home. And as I happen to be greatly in want of something 
 to eat at this moment, I wish you would get it for me." 
 
 " Can t you get it yourself," she replied, "just as well as 
 for me to go down-stairs to the refrigerator at this late 
 hour. I am tired, and half sick, and don t feel as if I could 
 take a single step more than is absolutely necessary."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 77 
 
 " Very well," I answered, " I will get it myself ; but I do 
 not see the use of your sitting up for me, if you won t get 
 me anything to eat when I come home. The fact is, you 
 have had your dinner, and now you don t care whether I 
 have mine or not" 
 
 * If you had been home at the hour you promised to be," 
 said my wife, " you would have had a nice dinner ; but now, 
 I really do not much care whether you have any at all. 
 Besides, I think it very injurious to eat just as one is going 
 to bed. You would rest much better if you would go with 
 out eating, and your appetite for breakfast would be good." 
 
 " That is certainly the coolest proposition I have had 
 made to me to-day," I said. " Go to bed without my din 
 ner ! You might as well ask me to go without my break 
 fast after I get up in the morning. No, the fact is, I am 
 hungry, and I want my dinner. I did n t get any down 
 town, for I knew that you would find fault with me if I did, 
 and compute the number of loaves of bread, quarts of milk, 
 pairs of shoes, stockings, and gloves, for the children, and 
 bonnets and silk dresses for yourself, that the money for 
 my dinner would have purchased. No matter if my dinner 
 had only cost fifty cents, you would have made a wonderful 
 ado about it, and I should have had the dyspepsia on ac 
 count of it. I have grown wiser than when I was first 
 married, and have learned, if I would enjoy peace in my 
 home, not to eat dinners away from my own mahogany." 
 
 " I am certainly pleased," my wife said, " to hear you 
 speak thus ; but I should like to have you act up to what 
 you say. I have not seen a week since we were married, 
 but that you have dined out once, if not oftener, in it. You 
 have taken dinner down-town twice, to my knowledge, this 
 very week, and I am not certain that you have gone with 
 out your dinner to-day. At all events, it seems hardly 
 probable. As for me, how many times, let me ask, have I 
 dined away from home without you, in the fifteen long 
 years we have been married ? I don t think it has been
 
 78 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 half a dozen times, and yet you find fault with me for not 
 getting dinner for you at midnight" 
 
 " Really," I said, " I don t see the relation between the 
 first part of your sentence and its conclusion. I can t un 
 derstand what your dining out has to do with getting din 
 ner for me at this hour." * 
 
 " That is always the way you seek to avoid an explanation 
 with me. If the grammatical construction of my remark 
 does n t please you, why, I can t help it. You can arrange 
 it to suit yourself, while you are getting your own dinner ; 
 but, for my part, I will bid you good-night, for I am going 
 to bed." 
 
 And she Trent.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 79 
 
 SIXTEENTH INFELICITY. 
 
 MT WIFE WANTS COUNTRY AIR. 
 
 you want to go into the country, do you ? " I 
 said to my amiable spouse, as she busied herself in 
 arranging the trimming on our little girl s bonnet. 
 The little one herself had just asked her mother if she 
 were to wear that bonnet when she went to see grand 
 mother. 
 
 " Yes," my wife replied, " I think it would be of benefit 
 to the children. They, as well as myself, need change of 
 air." 
 
 " I suppose you have fully decided when and where to 
 go," I said. 
 
 " No," she answered ; " I meant first to consult with you 
 before I came to any decision." 
 
 " "Well, that was wise in you, at least," I replied, " for my 
 private opinion is that you won t see the country this year, 
 at all events. I don t understand, either, why you can t 
 remain in the city just as well as I. You never hear me 
 talk of going into the country. Why, I should as soon 
 think of going to Africa. The city is always much cooler 
 than the country, and everything which serves to make life 
 endurable is to be found in town, while out of it you can 
 get nothing. If there be one place I dislike more than 
 another, it is the country." 
 
 " But remember, my dear," said my wife, " that you very 
 often go into the country for a day or two at a time on 
 business, but I never obtain such a change." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " I don t see why you 
 should. You have everything provided for you, and have
 
 80 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 nothing to do but stay at home and enjoy yourself, while I 
 must run the risk of losing my life on railroads in attend 
 ing to business, so as to enable me to provide for you and 
 the children." 
 
 " You find time though, on these occasions," my wife 
 said, " to get a few hours fishing or shooting ; so it is not 
 always business alone that keeps you away." 
 
 " Well," I said, " suppose I do occasionally steal an hour 
 from business to shoot or fish, have n t I a perfect right to 
 do so ? You speak as if it were a sin. I m certain I work 
 hard enough after I get back to pay for the indulgence. 
 You wives, though, think that husbands ought to do noth 
 ing else but work for their families. And whether the 
 weather be hot or cold, it matters little to you ; but the 
 moment June arrives, you, forsooth, begin to talk about the 
 heat, and your health, and change of air for the children, 
 and summer complaints ; and hint, and insinuate, and sug 
 gest, and finally declare, that you must go into the country 
 to escape that boisterous Fourth of July, with its noise and 
 dirt. You want to go only for a few days, but as soon as 
 you get away you settle yourselves down for the entire 
 summer under green trees ; and when we poor husbands 
 write for you to come home, after the Fourth is passed, 
 you answer that it would be dangerous to take the children 
 back to the city until the cool weather arrives. So the 
 result is that we husbands destroy our health by hard 
 work and partaking of eating-house dinners, while you sit 
 in muslin gowns, and read new novels, and eat strawberries 
 and cream, and enjoy yourselves generally, without cares 
 r annoyances of any kind." 
 
 " "Well, I confess," said my wife, " that you have drawn a 
 graphic picture, but one that is scarcely correct. For my 
 part, I have my cares and troubles when in the country as 
 well as I do in town ; but the change of life is agreeable 
 and beneficial, and enables me to endure the confinement 
 which is mine the rest of the year."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 81 
 
 " Well," I said, " I don t see how you will be able to go 
 this season ; the times are so hard I can scarcely obtain 
 money enough to enable us to live at home. You know, 
 as well as I do, that I have met with serious losses during 
 the last few months, and how I can spare a cent for un 
 necessary expenses is more than I can tell." 
 
 " I shall not require more than a few hundred dollars," 
 said my wife, " to get ready with ; and then our board iu 
 the country will not be much." 
 
 " I don t wish to hear you say any more about it," I 
 said. " I can t give you a few hundred dollars, and you 
 must content yourself with remaining in town this summer. 
 Oh, you need n t look so glum about it, for it can t be 
 helped." 
 
 " I suppose," my wife said, " that if my mother invites 
 me and the children to visit her, that you will not object to 
 our going, especially as it will not cost anything for board, 
 and our entire expenses for the whole three months will 
 be scarcely a hundred dollars." 
 
 " I had rather pay for your board for a year," I said, " at 
 a fashionable hotel, than have you spend a week in that 
 miserable village where your mother lives. I don t see 
 why you can t be contented to stay at home with me, 
 instead of forever wanting to be visiting your mother. 
 Why it seems to me as if you were there only the other 
 day, and now you wish to go and spend the summer with 
 her. This is another of your mother s confounded con 
 spiracies against my happiness. What she, who has two or 
 three daughters at home with her, wants you there, too, 
 for, I don t know. I should think she would be glad that 
 you were off her hands. As for her having the children 
 under her control, I won t consent to it. She spoils them 
 by indulgence, and destroys all the good effects of my 
 teachings. What grandmothers were invented for, I don t 
 know. If there be one class of persons I dislike more 
 than another, it is grandmothers." 
 
 G
 
 82 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " I am inclined to think," said my wife, maliciously, 
 " that if it had not been for you, my dear mother would 
 not now have been a grandmother. So that you have your 
 self to blame, after all, simply because you married me." 
 
 " Pshaw ! " I exclaimed, " if I had not married you, 
 some one else would, and then the old lady, I have no 
 doubt, would have been grandmother to a lot of ugly imps 
 with red hair." 
 
 " I wish," said my wife, " that you would not speak to me 
 in that way ; and, moreover, I don t think it respectful in 
 you to call my mother an old lady." 
 
 " I may be mistaken," I said, " but it seems to me that a 
 woman of sixty has a right to be called old. Why, I some 
 times look at you, and imagine I perceive traces of age on 
 your face." 
 
 " I am not so old as you are, at all events," said my wife ; 
 " and if age is leaving its marks upon me, it is owing to your 
 unkindly treatment. But I should like to know whether I 
 can take the children and make my mother a visit." 
 
 " How do you know that your mother wants you ? " I 
 asked. 
 
 " Because," my wife replied, " she has written for us to 
 come." 
 
 " I thought so," I said. " Then all your talk about going 
 into the country to board was mere moonshine ? " 
 
 " No," she answered, " for I had rather go elsewhere 
 than to my mother s, because I think she has cares enough 
 without my adding to them. But still I think it would be 
 more advisable for me to go to my mother s than to remain 
 in the city during the hot weather. 
 
 " Well, now, my dear," I said, " listen to me. I have 
 invited my sister and her family to pass the month of July 
 with us, and I received a letter to-day from her, saying that 
 she will be here on the first of the month ; so, under the 
 circumstances, I don t see how it will be possible for you to 
 leave home until August, and then, if you like, you can
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 83 
 
 spend a few weeks with your mother. My sister has not 
 been here since last autumn, and her boys were anxious to 
 spend the coming Fourth of July in the city. I knew it 
 would be an agreeable change for her and them, as the 
 country is dull enough where they live, and the Fourth is 
 always a stupid day in their vicinity. I ordered to-day," I 
 continued, not heeding the sad looks of my wife, nor seem 
 ing to notice the tears that filled her eyes, " fifty dollars 
 worth of fireworks, which I think will be enough to keep 
 her six boys busy all the Fourth. You look as if you 
 did n t think that quantity would be sufficient for them," I 
 said, as with a clouded brow she turned her face from me, 
 gazing out of the window, toward the setting sun, which 
 was, doubtless, just at that moment sinking behind the 
 mountains which shelter the village where her mother 
 lives. " I will order more if you deem it necessary." 
 
 " Do as you think best," she replied ; " I have nothing 
 to say." 
 
 " But what do you think about it ? " I still persisted. 
 
 " I think fifty dollars enough," she said, " to throw away 
 in fireworks, in such hard times as these." 
 
 " Well," I cried, " I am glad to see you have grown 
 economical within a few minutes. By the way, you had 
 better write to your mother and tell her you can t go to 
 her at present ; but in August, if the times are better, and 
 I can spare the money, you shall certainly go." 
 
 " I don t desire to go at all, now," she replied ; " it is not 
 likely that I shall be able or well enough to get ready to go 
 anywhere, after having waited a month on your sister and 
 her six great boys." 
 
 " Now, you had better sulk a little," I said. " It has 
 always been just so, since we were married : I can t invite 
 any of my relations here but you get vexed about it. At 
 all events, my sister and her six great boys, as you call 
 them, are coming here, and you 11 have to make the best 
 of it."
 
 84 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 My wife said nothing in rejoinder, but laid down, with a 
 sigh, the bonnet she had been re-trimming for the little 
 girl to wear, when she should go to visit her grandmother, 
 and, putting her handkerchief to her eyes, left the room. 
 
 " That thing is got along with," I said to myself, as the 
 door closed behind my wife ; " and now, let me light my 
 cigar, and read the evening papers." 
 
 But, somehow, I could find nothing in the papers suffi 
 ciently interesting to keep my thoughts from wandering to 
 my amiable wife. I puffed furiously at my cigar, in the 
 hope that by so doing I should soothe my irritability ; but 
 it was of no avail, and so as a last resort I went and found 
 my wife, with whom I made a treaty of peace.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 85 
 
 SEVENTEENTH INFELICITY. 
 
 
 
 I ORDER A DINNER. 
 
 I Y the by, my dear," I said to my wife, as 1 drew on 
 my gloves preparatory to going down-town the 
 other morning, " I very nearly forgot to tell you 
 that I have asked three or four friends to dine with me to 
 day." 
 
 " You don t mean to say," exclaimed my wife, " that you 
 have asked them to come home with you to dinner ? " 
 
 " I certainly do not mean to say anything else," I an 
 swered. " Where should they dine with me, if not at my 
 own table, I should like to know ? " 
 
 " Why, I thought," she replied, " you had perhaps asked 
 them to take dinner with you at the MAISON DOREE, of 
 which I hear you talk." 
 
 " I don t see why," I replied, " you should think any such 
 thing. The fact is, you think a great deal too much. If 
 you would do more, and think less, my home would be 
 much pleasanter than it is." 
 
 " I am sure," said my wife, " I do much more than I am 
 able to, and how I am going to prepare dinner for your 
 company to-day I do not know. I wish, my dear, you would 
 not invite gentlemen to dine with you, unless you let me 
 know of it at least the day before. I am not always pre 
 pared to entertain company at a few hours notice, and to 
 day, especially, it is very inconvenient." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " I should really like to 
 know when it has ever been convenient. I do not remem 
 ber, during the many years of our marriage, of once invit-
 
 86 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 ing a friend to dine with me but you declared it to be 
 inconvenient. Now, if there be one word I dislike more 
 than another, it is the word inconvenient" 
 
 " Well, my dear," she said, " I will do the best I can ; but 
 I regret extremely that you selected this day." 
 
 " Why this day more than any other ? " I asked. 
 
 " Because it i washing-day, and it will be almost impos 
 sible to prepare a handsome dinner, and do the cashing at 
 the same time." 
 
 Well, let the washing go, then," I said. " Who cares ! 
 I suppose it will keep till to-morrow, won t it ? " 
 
 " But the servant has already commenced it," she an 
 swered. 
 
 " Then tell her to stop, if you want her to assist you in 
 getting dinner," I said. " I suppose she can let the clothes 
 soak, can t she ? " 
 
 " I presume she will be obliged to," my wife replied ; 
 " but she will be terribly cross about it, and I dare say, be 
 fore the dinner is ready, she will drive me distracted." 
 
 " Well, if she don t like it," I said, " tell her to go. I 
 would n t be ruled by servants, any way." 
 
 I don t see that sending her away will help me in the 
 least," she replied, " as in that case I should have the din 
 ner to prepare alone, besides a prospect of doing the 
 washing to-morrow." 
 
 " Pshaw ! " I exclaimed. " You know very well that you 
 will not have to do any such thing ; but you like to say so, 
 just to make me think that you will have a terrible time 
 getting dinner for five or six persons." 
 
 " Five or six ! " exclaimed my wife. " I thought you 
 said three or four." 
 
 " Well, now I say," I added, " five or six ; and if that 
 is n t satisfactory, I 11 make it seven or eight. I am sure I 
 am not particular." 
 
 " It will make very little difference to me," my wife re 
 plied, " whether a dozen come. I will see that everything
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 87 
 
 you provide for the dinner is properly prepared and placed 
 on the table ; but for more than that I cannot answer." 
 
 " Well, you certainly are a pretty wife," I said, " if you 
 expect that I am going to neglect my business down-town 
 by stopping at the market to select the materials of a 
 dinner. I think if I give you the money to purchase what 
 ever is necessary, you will attend to that part of the matter 
 yourself." 
 
 " Now, my dear," my wife answered, " it will be utterly 
 impossible for me to go to market, and also attend to mak 
 ing pastry, and overseeing the cleaning of the silver, the 
 sweeping of the parlors, and a hundred other little matters 
 of which you have no idea. No, you must order from 
 market whatever you wish, and also see that it is sent 
 home. It is now nearly ten o clock, and this dinner, which, 
 to be properly prepared, ought to have my undivided 
 attention for two days, must be gotten up in six or seven 
 hours." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " I exclaimed, " what a fuss you are 
 making about a little dinner. One would think that we 
 never dined at all. Why, all you have to do is to cook a 
 trifle more meat and vegetables than usual. It don t seem 
 much of a task to me." 
 
 "Very well," said my wife; "just send home from the 
 market the trifle more meat and vegetables which you 
 think will suffice, and I will attend to having them cooked." 
 
 " Very well," I said, " I will try to remember to stop at 
 the market ; but if the meat and vegetables don t come in 
 an hour or so, you had better send, or go yourself, to see 
 about them. You know well enough, my dear, that if 
 there be one thing I dislike doing more than another, it is 
 going to the market Good-bye ! Let dinner be ready 
 precisely at six o clock, and set the table for six persons 
 beside ourselves." 
 
 " Stop, my dear," my wife cried ; " you have not told me 
 what you intend to have for dinner."
 
 88 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Yes I have," I replied : " meat and vegetables." 
 
 " But what kind of meat," persisted my wife, " and what 
 vegetables ? Will you have fish and soup ? and straw 
 berries and jellies ? and pies and tarts ? and what wine 
 will you have put on the ice?" 
 
 " I declare," I said, your questions will drive me crazy. 
 Get the dinner to suit yourself. Have fish and soup, and 
 all the other things you asked about ; but don t trouble me 
 with kitchen-matters. Talk to the cook, if you wish to 
 consult some one, and let me rest in peace." 
 
 Again I said good-bye, and went toward the door. 
 
 Suppose, before you go," said my amiable spouse, " you 
 give me some money, for I shall be obliged to use consid 
 erable in getting this dinner. Every dinner costs money, 
 and such a one as will satisfy you cannot be prepared for 
 nothing." 
 
 " You are, certainly," I said, " the most importunate 
 woman I ever met. I really have done nothing for a 
 month past but give you money. Well, how much do you 
 want? Come, don t keep me standing here forever, while 
 you add up on your fingers. Can t you say at once how 
 much you require, and be done with it ? " 
 
 " I was trying," she replied, " to calculate the sum ne 
 cessary ; but " 
 
 " Don t, for gracious sake," I interrupted, " have any 
 huts in your answer. There, take those bills," I added, 
 placing some bank-notes into her hands ; " use what are 
 necessary, and with the remainder buy the summer silk 
 for which you have been teasing me for days past." 
 
 My wife examined the bills, smiled sadly, and, shaking 
 her head, said, 
 
 There is barely sufficient here to pay for the dinner." 
 
 " It is all I have," I said, " to spare at present, and if it 
 be not sufficient to pay for both dinner and silk dress, why, 
 T am afraid you will have to do without the dress." 
 
 " I wish," said my wife, " you were not going to give
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 89 
 
 this dinner. It will cost a great deal of money, and I have 
 no doubt but that the anxiety and care I shall have to 
 undergo in attending to it will make me ill." 
 
 " Oh, yes," I cried, " that is just the way you women 
 always talk. If you don t have money with which to buy 
 silks and laces whenever you fancy to have them, why you 
 immediately declare yourselves to be ill. I have seen too 
 much of that kind of thing since I was married to be 
 greatly affected by it. I suppose your head aches now, 
 does n t it, love ? " 
 
 " Yes, it does," she replied, " and how I am going to keep 
 up through the day I don t know. It is not at all probable 
 I shall be able to be present at the dinner, and how you 
 will get along without me I can t possibly imagine." 
 
 " Oh, we 11 manage well enough," I replied ; " don t give 
 yourself any uneasiness on that account. Keep cool, my 
 love, and get the dinner upon the table, and I 11 see to the 
 rest." 
 
 My wife sighed. 
 
 " I will do the best I can," she said ; " but oh, I do wish 
 you had not invited your friends to-day. I want the dinner 
 to look and -taste as well as it is possible for any to be ; but 
 the time I have to prepare it in is so short that I doubt if 
 I can do justice to it." 
 
 It was evident to me that my wife really feared the 
 dinner might prove a failure. So, after a moment s hesita 
 tion, I said, 
 
 My dear, is the money which I have just given you 
 sufficient to purchase your summer silk ? " 
 
 My wife brightened up immediately. 
 
 " Oh, yes," she answered, " more than enough." 
 
 Very well, then," I replied, " use it for that purpose, 
 and let the dinner go." 
 
 " No ! " she said, " you and your friends would be disap 
 pointed. The dinner will be ready at six o clock." 
 
 " Confound the dinner ! " I said. " I won t give it at all.
 
 90 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 It has already caused me more trouble than it is worth. 
 Besides, you are not well enough to see to it, and I 11 tell 
 my friends that you are ill." 
 
 " But that will be scarcely true," she said ; " although I 
 am not well, I am far from being ill." 
 
 " Never heed that," I said ; " my mind is made up. So 
 you need not think any more about dinner. I have decided 
 to dine at the MAISON DORE with my friends, so that 
 they will not be disappointed after all." 
 
 " Except," said my wife, smiling, " in not having me to 
 preside at the table." 
 
 " True, my dear," I replied ; " but then we will toast 
 you in a goblet of the Flower of Neckar. " 
 
 And we did so.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 91 
 
 EIGHTEENTH INFELICITY. 
 
 WHERE SHALL WE PASS THE FOURTH? 
 
 |&5 ON T, my dear, say another word about it," I said 
 4g If to my amiable wife, in answer to a desire she ex 
 pressed to go to the sea-shore with my sister, to 
 
 pass the Fourth of July. " I can t help it if my sister 
 and her four boys have decided to visit the sea-shore 
 before coming here ; it is no reason why you and your girls 
 should go. The other day it appeared to me as if you did 
 not care to see my sister at all, and now you want to leave 
 home to go where she is. For my part I never could find 
 any pleasure at the sea-shore ; the beach is always hot, 
 sandy, and shadeless. Then you get your feet wet, and 
 take cold, and have the consumption, and die. Now, if 
 there be one place I dislike more than another, it is the 
 sea-shore." 
 
 " Well, then," said my wife, " suppose we go into the 
 country, and pass the day at a quiet farm-house, where we 
 can have fresh milk, and eggs, and all those kind of 
 things ? " 
 
 " AVhat do you mean, I should like to know," I replied, 
 " by all those kind of things ? " 
 
 " Why, vegetables just from the garden, and mint," she 
 answered. 
 
 " Mint! " I exclaimed. " What should I do with mint ? " 
 
 " Why, use it in a julep," she said. " I am sure I have 
 often heard you speak of mint-juleps, and, if the mint be 
 freshly gathered, I suppose it makes a better julep." 
 
 " I don t believe it," I replied ; " but, at all events, that is
 
 92 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 the best reason you have yet given for our going into the 
 country. After all, though, the country is not the place 
 for me : farm-houses are miserable affairs, low-roofed, hot, 
 and abounding with spiders. They are always small, and 
 you can t turn round in one without rubbing your coat 
 against its whitewashed walls, or knocking off your hat 
 passing through the low doorways. Really, if there be 
 one place I dislike more than another, it is a farm-house. 
 Think of something else, can t you ? " 
 
 My wife sighed. 
 
 " Why do you sigh ? " I asked. " You are always sigh 
 ing or weeping ; why don t you take matters easily, as I 
 do, and not be forever making yourself miserable ? Come, 
 have you thought of some other place to pass the Fourth 
 at?" 
 
 " Why not go," she replied, " to our friend the Colonel s 
 place, up the Hudson. He has often invited us, and I 
 have no doubt, he would be pleased to see us. He lives, 
 you know, not far from the Catskills, and we might ride in 
 the afternoon to the Mountain House." 
 
 " It is not a bad idea," I said, " but unfortunately the 
 Colonel is with his regiment at Washington, and I don t 
 think his housekeeper would be particularly glad to see us ; 
 at all events, I have no desire to see her, for if there be 
 one class of females I dislike more than another, it is house 
 keepers." 
 
 " And yet," said my wife, maliciously, " you often wish I 
 were a good housekeeper." 
 
 I paid no attention to this remark, but continued, 
 
 " After all, I don t see that we can do better than to re 
 main at home. I will invite a few friends to dinner, and 
 in the evening we can have fireworks and be patriotic." 
 
 " Don t, please, ask any one to dinner," my wife said. 
 " The very thought of being obliged to get dinner on the 
 FOURTH OF JULY, which is always a hot day, and made 
 up of excitement, makes me ill. Still, I would rather get
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 93 
 
 dinner for you than have you give a dinner away from 
 home, as you did the other evening. Two days sickness 
 such as was yours after it, to say nothing of the money it 
 cost, and the trouble and care I had in waiting on you, was 
 paying rather too much for a dinner." 
 
 " But you forced me into it," I rejoined ; " you know 
 well enough that I preferred to have the dinner at home, 
 and if you had not made such an ado about attending to it, 
 I should. Then, too, I would not have been sick, and you 
 would not have been obliged to sit at my bedside for two 
 days. Somehow French dishes never agree with me : I 
 presume because they are so highly seasoned. I arn con 
 vinced that plainer dishes, such as you prepare, are health 
 ier. Don t you think so ? " 
 
 " Certainly," my wife answered ; " but I am not sure the 
 French dishes were to blame so much as the French 
 wines." 
 
 " Now, my dear," I exclaimed, " you must not attempt 
 to injure the reputation of French wines, for of them I 
 drank comparatively little. I partook sparingly, however, 
 of German and Spanish wines, also, as well as several of 
 American production." 
 
 " My dear, you need say no more," my wife replied. " I 
 am satisfied. I was in error when I attributed your illness 
 solely to French wines ; but," she continued, " we have not 
 settled as to where we shall go to pass the Fourth." 
 
 " I have," I replied. " I am going to remain at home, 
 and I shall invite a few friends to spend the evening with 
 me ; you can remain with me, or go wherever you like, 
 provided you take the children with you." 
 
 " Very well, then," my wife said ; " I think I will go and 
 see my mother." 
 
 " Go, then," I exclaimed ; " but, remember, you need n t 
 come back in one while. When I want you I 11 send for 
 you. Don t you think you had better start to-day ? " I sug 
 gested.
 
 94 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 11 Perhaps I had," my wife replied, in her coolest manner. 
 " If I can get the children s clothes ready, I will. As for 
 myself, I am prepared to go at an instant s notice. The 
 truth is, if you would like to know it, that my trunk has 
 been packed a week." 
 
 I confess my wife rather surprised me by her answer, 
 and, to tell the truth, pained me by the way in which she 
 spoke. I did not believe she would be willing to leave me 
 alone at home, lest I might be sick, or some evil befall me. 
 So I said, though not as boldly as I had heretofore spoken, 
 
 " Well, my dear, the boat leaves at six o clock, and you 
 have all day in which to prepare for your journey. I will 
 be at the boat at that hour to bid you good-bye ; but I really 
 think you had better postpone going for a day or two, until 
 you get your new silk, and the children have a larger sum 
 mer wardrobe prepared." 
 
 " No ! " she replied, decidedly, " I will start to-day. ,1 
 shall not require the silk dress if I go to my mother s, and 
 the money which you gave me to purchase it with I still 
 have, nor shall I require any more for some time. I really 
 wish, though," she continued, her manner and tone evi 
 dently softening, " that you were going with us. I know 
 my mother would be glad to see you, and the girls would 
 be delighted." 
 
 " I can t help it," I said. " I would n t go for a thousand 
 dollars. Your mother does n t like me, nor I her ; and 
 as for your sisters, I hate the whole batch of them. Why 
 they don t get married, so that they would have something 
 else to do besides forever writing to you, coaxing you back 
 to their old-maids home, I can t imagine." 
 
 " My sisters are not old, as you know very well. They 
 are younger than I am, and I am not yet thirty." 
 
 " Well, I like that," I said. " Why, you owned to twenty 
 the day I married you, and that was fifteen years ago. Oh, 
 I am a better judge of ages than you, and can tell an old 
 maid from a school-girl the moment I see her."
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 95 
 
 " Well," exclaimed my wife, resignedly, " I will not argue 
 the point with you ; but I tell you my sisters are not old 
 maids." 
 
 " At all events, they are old," I said, " whatever else they 
 may be." 
 
 My wife, seemingly, paid no attention to my last words, 
 but asked, 
 
 " Where does the boat start from ? " 
 
 " From its usual pier," I replied. " I don t remember its 
 number ; but you, who have sailed from it so often, ought 
 to know." 
 
 " I presume I shall be able to find it," she said ; " and lest 
 you should not, I will bid you good-bye now. I have to get 
 the children ready for the journey, and must leave you." 
 
 She bent forward, as if to kiss me, but I simply said 
 " Good-bye ! " and taking my hat, went out of the door into 
 the street. As I passed out of the court-yard, I lifted my 
 eyes toward the window, and saw her standing there. She 
 raised her hand to her lips, as our eyes met, and threw me 
 a kiss from the tips of her fingers. I took no heed of the 
 action, but, slamming the gate behind me, I strode toward 
 the avenue. When I reached the corner, I hailed a pass 
 ing omnibus, and was on the point of stepping into it, when, 
 chancing to look back, I saw my wife standing at the gate, 
 waving her handkerchief. I told the driver to go on ; but, 
 as for myself, I walked back to the house. 
 
 " So I forgot my handkerchief, did I ? " I aske^ 
 
 " Oh, no," she replied, " this is mine." 
 
 " Very well," I said. " What the deuce did I return for, 
 then ? " 
 
 " I am sure I don t know," she said, half laughing, " if 
 you don t." 
 
 " I think I must have left something behind me, in the 
 house," I said, as, with my wife on my arm, I walked up the 
 court-yard. 
 
 " It would be like you to do so," my wife continued ; 
 " but what can it be ? "
 
 96 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Can t you guess ? " I asked. 
 
 " Perhaps I can," she answered. 
 
 " Then give it to me," I continued. 
 
 My wife bent forward, and we kissed each other. 
 
 " You will scarcely be able to start to-day, I think," I said, 
 after a pause. 
 
 " Well, no," she answered ; " I hardly think I can get 
 ready." 
 
 "Then I ll not go to the boat to- see you off," I added. 
 " But to-morrow, if the weather remains pleasant, I trust 
 you will be ready to start." 
 
 " We shall see," she said. 
 
 Again I bade her good-bye, and this time, having left 
 nothing behind me, got into the first stage that came along 
 and proceeded down-town.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 97 
 
 FIRST FELICITY. 
 
 I ATTEND A CLAM-BAKE. 
 
 , Y wife has gone to visit her mother. 
 
 I am happy to be able to state that the children 
 accompanied her. Peace, quietness, and felicity 
 reign in my dwelling. I come and go unquestioned. I 
 stay out late at night without fear of rebuke. I lie abed 
 of mornings, and no one insists on my getting up. My 
 friends pass the evening with me, and there be none who 
 tell me the next day that the window-curtains are filled 
 with tobacco-smoke, and the parlor has the fragrance of a 
 bar-room. If two or three friends come home to dine with 
 me, the cook never asks why I brought them, nor com 
 plains of a headache. What is more, she does not insist 
 upon having a new silk dress every week, nor burst into 
 tears if I utter crude and naughty words. The fact is, if 
 there be one thing I like more than another, it is to have 
 my wife visit her mother. 
 
 Having resolved to enjoy myself during my wife s ab 
 sence, I have determined to leave no legitimate source of 
 pleasure untried. In pursuance of this plan, I visited 
 " Nestledown," the name of a friend s villa, on Long 
 Island. I went there, supposing that my friend s wife and 
 daughters were alone, and that he was visiting the camps 
 around Washington. He returned from there the very day 
 I went to Nestledown. After all it was as well, perhaps, 
 that he did, for this stepping into the bosom of a man s 
 family in his absence may not be just the thing. I won 
 der if any one will pay particular attention to my wife while 
 7
 
 98 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES 
 
 she is with her mother ! I was very cordially received at 
 Nestledown, and dined on broiled spring chicken and fresh 
 green peas. For dessert I partook of strawberries and 
 cream. Now if there be one thing I like more than another, 
 it is a dinner of this kind. 
 
 In the evening we drove to Little Neck, on the north 
 side of the island, and had a clam-bake. I think a clam 
 bake is an excellent institution. In my opinion it is better 
 than a turtle-soup feast or a chowder party. In olden times 
 when moustaches were not worn, turtle-soup and clam or 
 cod chowder were not bad to take ; but in these days they 
 have objectionable points. 
 
 While the clams were being baked, the Nestledownians 
 and myself took a row on the bay. Although our party 
 was not large, we yet occupied two skiffs. I forgot to say 
 that we engaged a distinguished artist to accompany us for 
 the purpose of making a sketch of the clam-bake. The 
 picture he painted is a pleasing reminiscence of the even 
 ing ; but fails to convey a correct idea of a clam-bake. 
 
 It is very delightful to float on still waters in pretty 
 skiffs, when the full moon, just rising, sheds a silvery light 
 around, and the red blaze of a fire flickers fantastically 
 through the leafy trees, and the air is mild and the night 
 enchanting. The young ladies, seated in the stern of the 
 boat, enjoyed this thing amazingly ; but neither the artist 
 nor myself, who blistered our hands in rowing, appreciated 
 it as they did. I confess I enjoyed eating the clams more 
 than I did anything else. My knowledge of clams is quite 
 limited, but my powers of observation are keen. I noticed 
 that Mr. Nestledown selected only the small clams for his 
 plate, and kept pushing the large ones toward mine I 
 regarded this as extremely kind and polite in him, and 
 lest he should rob himself of all the fine large ones I placed 
 two or three of them upon his plate. But he courteously 
 put them aside, as if they were better than he deserved. 
 I now think they were. Curiosity led me to try one of the
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 99 
 
 small ones, and thenceforward I devoted my attention solely 
 to them. I think India-rubber overshoes are made of large 
 clams ; but if there be one thing I like more than another, 
 it is the small clam from the shores of Long Island. 
 
 I observed that the darkies of this neighborhood are a 
 speciality. They are great on the double-shuffle, the pig 
 eon-wing, and that class of antics. While we were eating 
 our clams, a gang of them were displaying, their dancing 
 abilities near by, varied with an occasional negro melody 
 On the whole, I enjoyed the drive, the row on the bay, the 
 clams, and the dancing, very much, and went back to Nes- 
 tledown exceedingly contented. 
 
 The next day, on my return to the city, I wrote a poetical 
 epistle to my wife, which, for the benefit of husbands whose 
 wives may be away from home, I herewith transcribe. 
 
 TO MY ABSENT WIFE. 
 
 I miss thee more than words can tell ; 
 
 My heart is filled with pain and woe ; 
 My voice sounds like a funeral knell, 
 
 And grief is mine where er I go. 
 
 Tears, bitter tears, bedew my cheek, 
 
 And weary sighs my bosom fill ; 
 For, ah ! I ve missed this long, long week, 
 
 The kisses which my soul would thrill. 
 
 In ceaseless toil I pass each day, 
 
 My dreams at night are all of thee ; 
 I ve lost the power of being gay, 
 
 And only gloomy pictures see. 
 
 I wonder if the sky is blue, 
 
 And if the trees are robed in green ; 
 If juleps are not made with rue, 
 
 And happy people e er are seen. 
 
 Indeed, I feel that I have grown 
 
 Quite old since thou wert at my side ; 
 T is wrong to leave me thus alone, 
 
 For tliou wast such a joy and pride.
 
 100 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 Still, for thyself, my dear, I trust 
 
 Thou art enjoying every good ; 
 So don t return until thou must, 
 
 Thou paragon of womanhood. 
 
 I have faith that the above lines will prove acceptable to 
 my wife, and not hasten her return home.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 101 
 
 SECOND FELICITY. 
 
 HOW I PASSED THE FOURTH OF JULY. 
 
 ;Y amiable wife is still visiting her estimable mother. 
 Few husbands, situated as I am, would be able to 
 sustain a wife s absence so well. Everybody knows 
 that I was contented only when in her presence. When 
 parted from her I sometimes grew irritable. Strange to say, 
 I have not experienced an irritable moment since she left 
 me. This is owing, I think, to the comet, which is said to 
 draw bad humors from mankind. No one could have 
 spent the FOURTH OF JULY more rationally than I did. 
 Having been out quite late the night previous, in company 
 with several merry companions who were disposed to be 
 patriotic and joyful, I did not rise until a late hour of our 
 national birthday. If it had not been for the noise of 
 cannon and crackers firing around the neighborhood, I 
 should have enjoyed my sleep. 
 
 On descending to the breakfast-room I concluded, by 
 the high language which came up with the dumb-waiter con 
 taining my breakfast from the kitchen, that the cook was 
 unusually cross. I think this class of individuals, as a gen 
 eral rule, are always more or less cross. Heat, I believe 
 induces crossness. As a usual thing I like my coffee hot : 
 this morning it was cold. As I drank Congress-Spring 
 water, however, on this occasion, it did not make much dif 
 ference to me. I think eggs for breakfast should be boiled 
 but one minute and a half: those the cook gave me on the 
 Fourth would have answered for small cannon-balls. I 
 judged she commenced boiling them about the time I came
 
 102 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 home in the morning. Beefsteak, to be relished, should be 
 tender and juicy ; if it be as dry and hard as sole-leather, I 
 don t think it is worth one s while to eat it- That which was 
 placed before me seemed to be of the latter description. 
 I sent for the cook to ask her why she had thus spoiled my 
 breakfast. The cook refused to come, but said if I wished 
 to see her I might go down to the kitchen. I did so. I 
 found the cook standing in the centre of the room, with a 
 rolling-pin in one hand and a long iron spoon in the other. 
 I had never se>en her before, and was somewhat struck by 
 her appearance. She appeared to be a middle-aged woman, 
 with a red face and a fiery disposition. She was short and 
 crusty, but looked strong and wilful. 
 
 " Oh," I exclaimed, as I stood at the threshold of her 
 empire, for I don t think it a good plan to enter kitch 
 ens, " are you the cook ? " 
 
 " Yes," she replied. 
 
 " Well, why did n t you come to me when I sent for you ? " 
 I asked. 
 
 " Because," she answered, " I had orders from the mis 
 tress, before she went away, not to leave this floor until she 
 returned home, and I intend to obey them." 
 
 " If you can t obey me," I said, " I don t wish you here 
 any longer. I 11 pay you your month s wages, and you can 
 
 go-" 
 
 " Isha n t leave this house," she replied, " till the mistress 
 comes back. I promised her to stay here and cook for you, 
 and I shall do it." 
 
 And she went on with her duties. I saw there was no 
 use in arguing the matter with her, so I retreated up-stairs 
 and left ner to her kettles and pans. 
 
 I had no sooner got comfortably seated with the morn 
 ing paper in my hand, than the cook sent to ask me if I 
 would have dinner at the usual hour. As it was then nearly 
 four o clock, and I had but just finished my breakfast, I re 
 turned word that I would not ; but would name nine o clock
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 103 
 
 as a desirable hour. She sent back word that she would 
 put off dinner until seven o clock, but not a minute later. 
 
 As it was of small consequence to me at what hour I had 
 it I made no objections. I passed half an hour reading 
 the paper, and then, notwithstanding the din going on in 
 the street, I fell asleep. I slept, I am happy to say, till I 
 was called to dinner. I had a very nice dinner, and en 
 joyed it exceedingly. I drank my wife s health repeatedly, 
 in a bottle of " Chateau Yquem " ; and then, after taking 
 another short nap, wondered if it would not be the proper 
 thing to open another bottle of wine. I hesitated about 
 doing so, however, because I do not enjoy drinking wine 
 alone ; but Heaven, which sends good wine, does not do so 
 without providing mouths with which to drink it ; and it 
 was therefore a satisfaction to me to see just at that mo 
 ment the burly form of my friend, Ned Cozzens, of West 
 Point hospitality, enter the court-yard, We cracked a 
 bottle of it immediately, and the bouquet which thereupon 
 filled the room was redolent of Eden. It is not every one 
 who knows how to drink good wine ; you can t toss it off 
 glass after glass as you may mugs of Taylor s October ale, 
 but you must linger lovingly, tenderly over it. Move 
 your head slowly to and fro above the thin glass held up 
 gingerly under your ruby nose, to catch all the bouquet 
 which evolves itself from the amber-colored liquor. After 
 you have fully inhaled its perfume in perfect silence, you 
 can take one little sip of it. Those few drops must rest a 
 moment on your tongue before you swallow them, which 
 will give you an opportunity of ascertaining the flavor and 
 quality of the wine. You then let it trickle slowly down 
 your throat. You heave a little sigh, as if recalling all 
 manner of bygone pleasures, and softly exclaim, Delicious ! 
 You then close one eye, and look knowingly with the other 
 at your glass held up in the direction of the light. You 
 speak, in well-chosen words and a subdued voice, of its 
 color, its age, and its remarkable similarity to a wine your
 
 104 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 father had in his cellar forty years ago. If your youthful 
 ness will not permit you to date back as far as that, go as 
 far as your memory or conscience will allow you. That 
 wine of your father s, which, of course, he imported at a 
 great cost specially for his own table, you will do well al 
 ways to bear in remembrance. It will prove of inestima 
 ble benefit for you often to refer to it, and will obtain you 
 many invitations to dinner-tables where are found good 
 wines, which you would not otherwise have had. 
 
 You may now, having dilated at some length upon the 
 subject of wines, finish your glass ; and, if your companion 
 is convivially inclined, extend it towards him to be refilled. 
 If he should fill it, and if he be a good fellow he undoubt 
 edly will, you may then rejoicingly sit down at a convenient 
 table, with your friend opposite and the bottle between you, 
 and finish the wine at your leisure, conversing meanwhile 
 learnedly, jovially, and con amore on all pleasing things 
 relating to wine, women, books, and works of art. 
 
 In some such way as this did my friend and myself pass 
 a couple of hours delightfully together, and when he left 
 me, after solemnly declaring that there was not a headache 
 in a dozen bottles of such wine, I looked regretfully at 
 the empty bottle, and wished that another friend would 
 come that I might open another for him. 
 
 Then I ordered tea, and afterwards went upon the house 
 top, where I watched the sky-rockets shooting into the 
 heavens from various parts of the city, and saw the stars 
 come out, and the young moon go down, and quiet finally 
 take the place of the noise and turmoil of the day. 
 
 I don t remember of ever having enjoyed a Fourth of 
 July as well as this. If my wife and little ones had been 
 home I should have undergone many severe trials. I might 
 have blown myself up -a thousand times with fire-crackers, 
 and destroyed my wife with torpedoes, I have nothing 
 more to say on the present occasion, except to add that if 
 there be one thing I like more than another, it is to pass a 
 Fourth of July as contentedly as I did the last.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 105 
 
 THIRD FELICITY. 
 
 MY FRIEND THE GENERAL. 
 
 fHEN my esteemed friend the General, taking pity 
 on my solitary state, my wife still being absent, 
 invited me to his hospitable mansion up the 
 Hudson to spend the night, I accepted his invitation, and 
 in company with my friend the artist departed for this 
 abode of peace and plenty. Before starting, however, we 
 dined with the General at Delmonico s, where we ate our 
 lamb and green peas, and drank our wine, as only those 
 can who possess contented and happy dispositions. 
 
 We lingered over the mahogany so long that we nearly 
 missed the train that was to carry us to our destination. 
 In our haste to gain the cars we met with various mishaps. 
 While the General walked along with the quick, resolute, 
 and cautious step which is characteristic of an old soldier, 
 and which induced the throng to move aside and let him 
 pass, neither the artist nor myself were so successful in our 
 movements. The former, who strode along at a two-forty 
 pace, stepped on everybody s corns, and, with his maul 
 stick, which he always carries when he travels into strange 
 countries, to use as a defensive or aggressive weapon, he 
 knocked off everybody s hat. The individual whose corns 
 he wounded limped away, after bestowing sundry uncom 
 plimentary epithets upon the bearer of the maul-stick, and 
 the hat-victims anathematized him to such a degree that 
 *he excommunications of all the popes Christendom has 
 known, if employed on the same subject, would not have 
 kept him farther from happiness. As for me, I covered
 
 106 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 myself with candies and cakes, at almost the first step, by 
 falling over an old woman s street-corner refreshment-stand. 
 I gained my feet instantly, however, and before the pro 
 prietor of the stand could recover her astonishment and 
 breath sufficiently to call for the police, I was lost in the 
 crowd. Next I managed to upset a basket of oranges, the 
 owner of which seized me, and would not let me go until I 
 had paid for a dozen of them, which the newsboys stole as 
 they rolled over the sidewalk. An Italian image-vender was 
 the next sufferer ; but he spoke English so unintelligibly, 
 that, before he could make the crowd understand the fact 
 that I had broken several crowned heads, and ruined sun 
 dry dancing-girls and a Greek slave, I was far distant from 
 the scene of the disaster. I have a faint impression that 
 I afterward damaged an organ that was playing " Dixie s 
 Land," overturned a small boy clad in a Zouave uniform, 
 and was run over myself by an Eighth Avenue rail-car, 
 before I succeeded in reaching the Hudson River Railroad 
 depot, where the General and the artist were impatiently 
 waiting my coming. As the last car was leaving the sta 
 tion we succeeded in gaining it, and in finding seats on its 
 sunny side. 
 
 Railroad travelling is very pleasant when there are no 
 cinders or dust flying, and you are in no fear of being run 
 into by other trains, or of running off the track. But then 
 you must have either a pleasant companion to converse 
 with, or an interesting book to read. It is desirable, too, 
 to occupy the shady side of the car in summer-time, and to 
 have your feet warm in winter. One cannot always have 
 all one wishes, however; and on the present occasion, 
 though I had pleasant company, one of them took a nap, 
 and the other went into the smoking-car with a cigar, so I 
 was left to my own resources. I tried to read ; but the 
 sun shone so brightly that it was almost impossible ; be 
 sides, the newspaper which I bought, just as I jumped 
 upon the car, proved to be three days old, and all the war
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 107 
 
 rumors which it contained had turned out to be false. I 
 endeavored to enjoy the scenery ; but the cinders soon 
 filled my eyes and rendered sight-seeing impossible. To 
 add to these disagreeabilities, I found, when the collector 
 came around for the tickets, that I had lost mine, so I was 
 obliged to pay my fare a second time, as collectors don t 
 believe in lost tickets. A few days afterward I discovered 
 the missing ticket under the lining inside my hat, where I 
 had placed it for safety. If any poor fellow who is about 
 going to Sing Sing, at the State s expense, would like to 
 have a ticket to stick into his hatband, so as to make the 
 passengers think he paid his own fare and was n t a pris 
 oner, he can have mine by applying for it immediately. I 
 afterward essayed to have the ticket-man of whom I bought 
 it refund me the money ; but he, after examining its date, 
 said, laughingly, as if he thought it a clever joke, that my 
 ticket was very much like fireworks, for it was n t good for 
 much after the Fourth of July. 
 
 I have forgotten whether I said previously that my es 
 teemed friend the General resides in Westchester county, 
 not far from Sing Sing ; at all events I say it now, and this 
 fact will account for my ticket being marked for that place. 
 It is not a very long ride from the city, so that by the time 
 the artist had finished his cigar, the General ended his nap, 
 and I relieved my eyes of the cinders which had fallen into 
 them, we had glided past the walls of the prison, where so 
 many sad hearts beat and dreary lives are lived, and 
 alighted at the station in the village. Then we took a car 
 riage and drove out to the General s place. 
 
 There seems to be considerable of a hill in this part of 
 the country, and as we drove along, I kept wondering 
 where the carriage would go to if the traces should break. 
 I confess I was in a state of trepidation during the entire 
 ride. I regarded the General as a most courageous man, 
 and wondered if no accident had befallen him in the half 
 century in which he had driven up and down that eleva 
 tion.
 
 108 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 I felt myself fully repaid, however, for the dangers I had 
 encountered since I left the dinner-table at Delmonico s, 
 when I arrived at the General s handsome home. As a 
 gentleman who holds a facile pencil and a ready pen has, 
 through the skill of the engraver and the art of the printer, 
 given, in a recent number of the " London Art Journal," a 
 view and description of my good friend s hospitable man 
 sion, I will not attempt to describe that which he has so 
 ably accomplished. Suffice for me to say that the Gen 
 eral s home is an unpretentious building of white marble, 
 quarried in the neighborhood, and Grecian in its style of 
 architecture. A spacious hall, quite as large as any room 
 in the house, was, to me, a most cheerful and attractive spot, 
 perhaps this was in some degree owing to the fact that 
 on a table therein stood a goodly array of tall-necked bot 
 tles, and a silver punch-bowl of antique appearance. 
 
 On the walls of the parlor were valuable pictures, 
 painted by such artists as Weir, Chapman, Doughty, Free 
 man, Mount, etc., evidences of the refined taste of their 
 owner. Here I saw, for the first time, the original of that 
 picture which each Christmas-tide adorns the pictorial pa 
 pers, and is so popular with good little boys and girls. I 
 allude to Weir s Visit of Santa Glaus." Several fine old 
 family-portraits, also, adorn various rooms, among which is 
 one of the late Elkanah Watson, the philanthropist. 
 
 Notwithstanding we had partaken of a hearty dinner in 
 the city, the General assured us that it would be opposed 
 to his ideas of hospitality if we failed to eat another under 
 his roof; and, as our appetites proved to be good, I think 
 both the artist and myself did full justice to this second 
 repast. After dinner the General conducted us about his 
 grounds, and showed us several localities in the neighbor 
 hood of an historical character. He pointed out the tongue 
 of land running into the river, off which the Vulture, that 
 bore Major Andre* to his fate, lay. while this gallant officer 
 held his interview with Arnold. There, too, on the oppo-
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 109 
 
 site shore, was the spot where the meeting between the 
 two took place, and still lower down the river was the 
 place where . the unfortunate soldier was executed. On 
 our return to the house we brought out our chairs upon the 
 piazza, and as the twilight deepened, and the river and 
 hills beyond faded from sight, and only the stars were seen 
 through the leafy trees around us, we talked of the present 
 troubles of our country, and the General, with the ardor 
 of youth, fought over again, in words, the battles he had 
 been engaged in during the war of 1812. Although he 
 takes no active part in the conflict of to-day, yet he stands 
 ready to gird on his sword and lead again to battle the sol 
 diers of liberty. 
 
 " Yes," he exclaimed, his form straightening and his 
 eyes flashing with the fire and courage of youth, as he rose 
 from his chair, " if my country desires my services, I am 
 ready to take the field again, and, under the glorious Flag 
 of our Union, fight until the death." 
 
 Hereupon the. artist and myself cheered and clapped 
 our hands and cried out, " Brave old soldier ! " And the 
 General, smiling, sunk back into his seat unconsciously 
 beating the tattoo with his fingers on the arm of his chair, 
 and repeating softly, " Yes, boys, I d fight until death." 
 
 I felt, as I gazed on my brave old friend, that he had 
 done more for his country than I could ever hope to accom 
 plish. Not only had he served her with profit on the battle 
 field, but for fifteen years he had occupied a place in her 
 councils, and, as congressional documents will show, acted 
 with honor to himself and benefit to her. 
 
 " Ah ! " I said to myself, " here is a man who will leave 
 an honored name behind him. He has done much for his 
 country, and deserves, and will receive, the thanks of all 
 true patriots. I propose," I continued, speaking aloud, 
 " that we go into the house and drink the General s health." 
 And we went. 
 
 There is a champagne called the " Flower of Sparkling
 
 110 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 Neckar, which is a noble wine, and just the kind with 
 which no one could possibly object to drink another s 
 health. Therefore when we entered the house, and saw 
 this wine awaiting us, the artist and myself proceeded to 
 toast the General, much to our satisfaction and none to 
 his dismay. 
 
 Of this wine, some one who appreciates it has sung as 
 follows : 
 
 In the valley of the Neckar, 
 
 Where the blue tide sweeps along, 
 Lies a green and i ertile vineyard, 
 And its vintage claims a song. 
 
 Many flowing goblets have I 
 
 Quaffed of wines both old and rare ; 
 
 But not one that I have tasted 
 
 Can with this champagne compare. 
 
 If a poem were translated 
 
 Into shining beads of light, 
 It would wear the hue and semblance 
 
 Of the wine I sing to-night. 
 
 It is fruity, rich, and sparkling, 
 
 With a delicate bouquet, 
 Rosy-tinted, highly flavored, 
 
 Like the rare and famed Tokay. 
 
 With the " Flower of Sparkling Neckar " 
 
 I will henceforth toast the girls ; 
 Merry, blue-eyed German lasses, 
 
 Laughing through their flaxen curls, 
 
 And the happy Yankee maidens, 
 
 In New England s favored clime, 
 With the dark-haired Southern beauties, 
 
 Midst the orange and the lime. 
 
 Then, on gay and festal momenta 
 
 When I quaff a regal wine, 
 Give me in a foaming goblet 
 
 Neckar champagne pure and fine.
 
 Ill 
 
 After the wine had been disposed of amidst genial talk, 
 and the night had passed the other side of the twelve, the 
 General, giving us our candles, ordered us to bed, and we, 
 as obedient soldiers should, retired in good order. 
 
 The next morning, after a hearty breakfast, we bade a 
 cordial adieu to our host, while yet the dew was on the 
 grass and the birds were singing their matin songs, and 
 once more getting into the cars, were rapidly whirled back 
 to the city. 
 
 When I wrote to my wife and told her where I had been, 
 she answered that she was glad to hear of it ; for if there 
 were one thing she liked more than another, it was to have 
 me associate with persons wiser and better than myself. 
 If that be so, I think she had better return home.
 
 112 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 IS IT A FELICITY OR AN INFELICITY? 
 
 SOMEBODY IS RESPONSIBLE. 
 
 i F my esteemed wife were only at home, she would 
 doubtless be able to solve the question asked 
 above ; but as she still remains with her mother in 
 the country, I am, perforce of circumstances, a perplexed 
 man. My perplexity originated through an occurrence of 
 which it is my purpose to speak in this sketch. To say 
 that I have been kept awake nights by the event to which 
 I allude, is literally true. My mind and patience have been 
 exercised to a remarkable degree by this untoward circum 
 stance. I think this event would agitate and aggravate 
 less nervous and more even-tempered men than myself, 
 were they in my position. I don t know what the world 
 will say to it ; but I trust that they will exonerate me, how 
 ever, from all blame in the matter. Some persons will 
 doubtless laugh at it ; but I will assure such it is no laugh 
 ing matter. Others will look grave and shake their heads 
 and exclaim, " Who d have thought it ? " I can honestly 
 assure them that I for one would not. Others there will 
 be who will say that they fully expected such a thing 
 would happen, and it serves me right for allowing my wife 
 to leave me and go to visit her mother. Then, again, what 
 will my wife say when she comes to hear of it. I fairly 
 tremble when I think of the way in which she will go on 
 about it If we ever live together after this, I can make 
 up my mind to having this little occurrence constantly 
 thrown into my face. The knowledge I possess of my own 
 innocence will, I think, enable me to bear all the obloquy
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 113 
 
 which will be cast upon me ; but still the matter will be 
 far from pleasant. 
 
 The circumstances of the unfortunate case to which I 
 refer are simply these. About midnight on the thirty-first 
 of July, being my birthday, I was aroused from my sleep 
 by a violent ringing of the street-door bell. My first im 
 pression was that my wife had come home, and, it being a 
 rainy night, was exceedingly anxious to get into the house. 
 
 " She suddenly recalled to her mind this morning," I 
 said to myself, as I hurried on my clothes, " that this was 
 my birthday, and, affectionate wife that she is, has hastened 
 on the wings of love and the railroad, to congratulate me 
 on having turned another leaf in the book of life." 
 
 O 
 
 Again the bell rung still more violently than before. 
 
 " I am coming, my dear," I exclaimed, as I deliberately 
 selected a clean collar to put on, for I would not have my 
 wife see me on my birthday without my being neatly attired. 
 Then, after having sprinkled a drop or two of cologne on 
 my handkerchief, I went to the door. 
 
 To my surprise I found, when I opened it, no one there. 
 The wind blew a shower of rain into my face, and extin 
 guished the light I carried in my hand. I was on the point 
 of turning and closing the door, when a slight noise at* my 
 feet arrested me. I looked down and saw a covered bas 
 ket, from which a wailing sound issued. I took the basket 
 into the hall, and, lighting the gas, opened it carefully. I 
 don t remember of ever seeing a handsomer infant than 
 that which gazed at me with its blue eyes from the basket. 
 
 But I was in a quandary. No sooner, however, did I 
 realize the state of the case, than I rushed to the door, 
 and, opening it, looked eagerly up and down the street. 
 The gas-lights gleamed upon the wet pavements, and the 
 branches of the trees threw dancing shadows across them, 
 as the wind swayed them to and fro. Opposite to my house 
 is an open lot of ground surrounded by a board fence. As 
 I gazed across the way I thought I could trace the form of 
 8
 
 114 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 a person leaning against the fence, watching my move 
 ments. 
 
 " Halloo ! " I shouted ; " come back and get your baby. 
 I don t know what to do with it, and in fact I don t want 
 it." 
 
 But no answer was returned, and the form I was watch 
 ing sunk gradually down and finally disappeared from my 
 sight. I stepped rapidly and quietly across the street, and 
 looking over the fence, saw a woman clad in a long cloak 
 crouched on the ground before me. Ere I could climb the 
 fence she saw rne, and with a bound and a cry of terror 
 she sprang to her feet, and vanished among the trees 
 which grow within the enclosure. 
 
 Then I returned to the house and wondered what I 
 should do with the infant. I was entirely alone, for the 
 cook had gone to sit up with a sick cousin, and therefore I 
 was cast solely upon my own resources. I thought I would 
 call the ladies in the next house to my assistance ; but the 
 idea of rousing them in the middle of the night to say 
 that I had a baby left with me and wanted their assist 
 ance, was rather too much for even a man of mv courage 
 
 */ o 
 
 to undertake. Ten to one, I thought, when I tell them of 
 the difficulty I am in, if they will be willing to assist me. 
 The two old maids who live on my right hand would 
 doubtless think it an awful thing, and would no more 
 touch the baby than they would do anything of a com 
 promising character. They believe me to be a shocking 
 man at the best of times, when my wife is at home, and 
 never call upon her if they think they may encounter me. 
 I doubt, had I asked them, if they would have responded 
 to my invitation. As for my left-hand neighbors, they are 
 Germans and don t understand a word of English, and I 
 feared I would never be able to make them comprehend 
 the true state of the case. While these and similar 
 thoughts passed through my mind, the infant remained so 
 quiet, gazing at the gas-light, that I concluded to take care
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 115 
 
 of it myself until morning, and then hand it over to the 
 police. 
 
 So I got out the cradle from the store-room, where it 
 had been lying idle for two or three years past, and put my 
 waif into it, expecting it would go immediately to sleep. 
 It was a wide-awake infant, however, and had no idea of 
 carrying out my wishes. So long as I rocked it, it remained 
 quiet; but the moment I ceased, it commenced crying. 
 Then I thought it might be hungry, so I warmed some 
 milk and tried to feed it with a spoon. I came very near 
 strangling it to death several times, and had to beat it on 
 its back to bring it to. Then I put it into the cradle, and 
 rocked it, but it would n t go to sleep, and cried heartily 
 the. moment I ceased the motion. Then I took it up and 
 walked with it, just as I remembered to have done with my 
 own little one a few years back. So long as I walked it 
 about, it was quiet as a lamb ; but, let me stop, even for a 
 moment, and it cried with all its lungs. Then, for a change, 
 I trotted it on my knees, and sung nursery songs to it. It 
 seemed to possess a good ear for music, and crowed and 
 doubled up its fists in a wonderfully approving style as I 
 sung. But it cried lustily when I stopped, and I thought 
 to myself my maiden friends in tfie next house must hear 
 it, and will wonder and be terribly shocked at my proceed 
 ings. I confess I had a hard night of it, for there were 
 various little matters connected with the charge of an 
 infant in which I was not posted and could n t think of 
 undertaking. I made up my mind during the night that, 
 if we both lived until morning, we would have nothing 
 more to do with each other. Among other difficulties 
 with which it was afflicted, were hiccoughs, colic, pins, mos 
 quitoes, et ccetera. 
 
 I was very glad when the morning, and the cook, who 
 appeared about the same time, came. If there ever were 
 an astonished woman, the cook was one. She did n t ask 
 many questions, and I did n t say much to her ; but she
 
 116 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 regarded me in a manner that seemed to declare she was 
 not altogether satisfied with the account I gave of the 
 baby s arrival. I will do the cook the justice of saying 
 that she remarked the " take in " for thus she persisted 
 in calling the baby had blue eyes and red hair, which no 
 one could say I possessed. 
 
 Under the cook s motherly care, the baby soon went to 
 sleep, and I availed myself of the stillness" to take a nap 
 myself. 
 
 When I awoke, a couple of hours afterward, the infant, 
 was still sleeping, and the cook declared it to be the pret 
 tiest child she had ever seen. I told her it was my inten 
 tion to let the proper authorities take it, for that I could 
 not undertake the charge of it ; besides, what would my 
 wife say, when she came home, to find a strange baby in 
 the house. 
 
 " Wait," said the cook, " for a few days at least, before 
 you send it away. Perhaps we may discover its parents, 
 and it may turn out to be stolen from some loving mother. 
 At all events," she continued, " I will take charge of it for 
 a short time." 
 
 And so, for ten days, has the " take in " been cared for 
 by the cook and myself. What final course will be adopted 
 in regard to it, remains to be seen. In the mean time my 
 wife must be informed of the matter ; but if there be one 
 thing I dislike more than another, it is being obliged to 
 write to her that a strange baby has been left at the house 
 in her absence.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 117 
 
 NINETEENTH INFELICITY. 
 
 MT WIFE RETURNS HOME. 
 
 FTER a long absence, my estimable wife has re- 
 turned home. I almost despaired of ever seeing 
 her again, when, one gusty November night, just as 
 a party of my ancient friends who were filling, for the third 
 time, their slender goblets with sparkling Golden Wedding 
 wine around my hospitable mahogany, an ominous ring at 
 the door-bell startled us into sobriety and propriety. The 
 Colonel, being a married man, was the first to detect the 
 connubial tone of the bell, and rising hastily, said he be 
 lieved he had an engagement which he must hasten to ful 
 fil, and therefore begged- me to excuse him. He had just 
 finished singing a song, in which he had repeatedly de 
 clared that he had no intention of going home until morn 
 ing, and his sudden desire to be going now rather sur 
 prised us. The Major, who imitates the Colonel in his 
 movements, immediately declared that he, too, had an en 
 gagement ; but the Captain, with a disregard of rank which 
 was pleasing to observe, ordered his two superiors to sit 
 down, and not run away while such enemies pointing to 
 the tall flasks before him were in the field. 
 
 Perhaps it will be quite as well to state that quite a num 
 ber of my acquaintances have recently become distin 
 guished military characters, at least, not a few of them 
 are celebrated for the inordinate amount of gold braid 
 which ornaments their clothes and the costly swords they 
 carry. I have not yet heard that any of their swords have 
 been baptized in blood, or their gold lace tarnished through 
 exposure to camp-life. But I presume all this will come
 
 Ii8 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 by-and-by ; in the meanwhile, they add to the brilliant ap 
 pearance of Broadway, and are much employed as escorts 
 at military funerals, and take an active part in the recep 
 tion of New-England troops, passing through the city on 
 their way to the seat of war. I don t wish to be under 
 stood as saying that my three friends above-mentioned 
 won t march down to Dixie as soon as their regiment ob 
 tains its complement of men, but I will simply declare that 
 their ranks are a most unaccountable time in filling up. 
 ( )ne day the Colonel will tell me that he wants less than 
 two hundred men to fill his regiment ; but when I see him, 
 perhaps a week or two afterwards, he has five or six hun 
 dred to obtain. When I question him as to where his men 
 have gone, he says government has taken them away from 
 him, and drafted them into other regiments. Of course 
 this must be so, and the slander which the newspapers 
 have cast upon some of the colonels, that they sell their 
 men at so much per head to other regiments, cannot apply 
 to my friend the Colonel. It has just occurred to me that 
 this is an unnecessary hiatus in my narrative, and while I 
 am dotting it down, my wife is standing outside the front 
 door, shivering with cold, and anxious to be admitted 
 within. 
 
 At the moment the bell was rung the third time, my 
 friends all apparently understood who was coming, for they 
 seized their coats and caps, declaring that it was getting 
 late, and they thought they had better be going. They en 
 countered my wife in the hall, who glared at them signifi 
 cantly, and said she trusted her unexpected return had not 
 frightened them away. 
 
 The Colonel, who is a very polite man, expressed his 
 regrets at being obliged to depart at the moment, he said, 
 bowing, when so charming an addition was about to be 
 made to their society. He trusted, though, that before he 
 left for the seat of war he should have the pleasure of pay 
 ing his respects to her, and renew the acquaintance he so
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. il9 
 
 happily formed with her last winter at one of the artists 
 receptions. 
 
 Whether it was this flattering speech of the Colonel s, or 
 the sight of the gold lace and gilt buttons which covered 
 his manly form, which soothed my wife s feelings, I cannot 
 positively declare ; but, at all events, when, with me, she 
 entered the room where the table still stood, she did not 
 denounce my visitors, as I had expected she would. She 
 did ask, though, why I had selected the parlor for the 
 scene of my festivities, and said that the tobacco-smoke 
 which filled the room would impregnate her satin window- 
 curtains all winter. She wondered, too, how I could per 
 mit my friends to spill their wine on the carpet, and 
 thought it singular that I should allow them to throw their 
 
 O O 
 
 cigar-stumps into the corners of the room. Then again she 
 wished to know why I had selected my companions from 
 the military ; formerly, she continued, artists and literary 
 men were your friends, and she thought them much more 
 refined than soldiers. 
 
 " Oh, my dear," I replied, " I have not changed my 
 friends, they have only changed their occupation ; painters 
 and authors can t live by their calling nowadays, so they 
 have been obliged to gird on their swords and shoulder 
 their muskets to enable them to sustain existence." 
 
 " Oh ! " exclaimed my wife, doubtingly. 
 
 " Yes," I answered ; " did n t you recognize the gentle 
 men whom you passed in the hall ? " 
 
 " No ! " she replied ; " they were as strange to me as if 
 they had been Indians." 
 
 " Well, the Colonel," I said, " you have only met once 
 before ; but the Major is our old friend Potter, the author 
 of Chivalry and Beauty, and, as you are aware, a poet of 
 some merit. The Captain the one in the red, baggy 
 trousers is the celebrated artist Mr. Splinter, who painted 
 the great historical picture, The Murder of the Noisy 
 Children, by command of Herod. Splinter, you know, is
 
 120 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 a bachelor, and dislikes children with all his soul. He 
 joined the Zouave regiment on account of the picturesque- 
 ness of the uniform," 
 
 " Pray, who," asked my wife, " is the gray-bearded man, 
 with the long cane surmounted with a silver knob as large 
 as his own head ? " 
 
 "Ha, ha ! " I shouted. " Did n t you recognize him ? 
 Why, he is our musical friend the composer, who used to 
 play the organ occasionally at St. Jerome s Church. He is 
 a drum-major now, and that was his baton of office, which 
 you presumed to be a cane." 
 
 " Well, I must say," said my wife, " that your friends are 
 strangely metamorphosed since I saw them last, and to 
 think that these changes have all been occasioned by the 
 war is very sad." 
 
 " Now, my dear," I said, " tell me something about your 
 self and the children. How have the little ones been, and 
 why did you not bring them home with you ? " 
 
 " Because," my wife answered, " I understood that you 
 had a new claimant for your affections, in the person of a 
 babe left here some weeks ago, under mysterious circum 
 stances, and concerning which you have never written me 
 a word. I don t know " and here my wife drew forth 
 her handkerchief " what I have done to warrant such 
 treatment from you. If I had not been a loving, obedient, 
 faithful wife, I might have expected you would introduce a 
 strange baby into the house ; but, under the circumstances, 
 I must say that the bringing of that child here was a lib 
 erty which was unwarrantable ; " and my wife leaned back 
 in her chair, and covered her face with her handker 
 chief. 
 
 " But, my dear," I said, apologetically, " I did n t intro 
 duce the child here ; it was left by a woman whom I do 
 not know, and whom, I assure you, I never saw except on 
 th.it occasion." 
 
 " Oh, yes, that is just what you men always say," she
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 121 
 
 replied ; " but why did n t you write to me about it, and not 
 leave it for gossiping neighbors to inform me ? " 
 
 " Well, the truth is," I replied, " I really forgot all about 
 it. I believe the child is still in the house ; but I am not 
 certain. I took charge of it, as well as I knew how, the 
 first night of its arrival, but since then the cook, who con 
 ceived a fancy to it, has had the entire control of it. I be 
 lieve she has discovered who its parents are, and, doubtless, 
 will be able to give you all the information on that point 
 which you desire." 
 
 " If this be so, my dear husband," she said, " it is a load 
 taken off my heart, for I received a terrible shock when I 
 heard from the ancient ladies next door, who wrote me that 
 they were kept awake nights by a crying babe in our house, 
 and that they had seen it, and it looked exactly like" 
 
 " Like who ? " I interrupted. 
 
 " "Well, they did n t name any one, my dear," my wife 
 answered ; " they simply put a dash instead." 
 
 " Leaving you to imagine," I added, " that they meant 
 me." 
 
 " Undoubtedly," said my wife. 
 
 " Well," I said, " it is rather late to test the matter to 
 night, but to-morrow you can see and judge for yourself. 
 Do you know, my dear," I added, " that you have been 
 away from me several months, and you must not be 
 surprised if I have, unintentionally, adopted some of my 
 former bachelor habits. I go to the play, I attend little 
 suppers, I indulge in a pipe, I keep a dog and a night- 
 key." 
 
 " Give yourself no uneasiness about them," my wife 
 kindly said ; " it will not take me long to eradicate such 
 habits in you, and, as there is no time like the present in 
 which to begin a reformation, suppose you hand to me your 
 pipe and night-key." 
 
 " Certainly," I replied ; and without hesitation I gave 
 into her keeping my meerschaum and key.
 
 122 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Now," she said, " as it is quite late, and I am weary 
 from my day s journey, suppose you turn out the gas, and 
 we will go to our room. To-morrow we will see the baby, 
 and decide as to what we shall do with it" 
 
 And we went.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 123 
 
 TWENTIETH INFELICITY. 
 
 OVER OUR COFFEE. 
 
 jOW, my dear," I said to the estimable lady who 
 presided for the first time in several months at 
 the coffee-urn end of the breakfast-table, " allow 
 me to mention an improvement in the manner of preparing 
 a cup of coffee, which I discovered by experiments made 
 during your absence. Not but that your way is very good, 
 my love, but I think mine better." 
 
 " Oh, of course ! " said my wife, shaking back the ribbons 
 of her morning-cap in an unnecessarily defiant manner ; 
 " of course," she repeated, " I have no objections to learn 
 ing how to prepare a cup of coffee, notwithstanding I have 
 made it in accordance with the receipt my dear mother gave 
 me fifteen years ago, ever since we have been married, and 
 never until to-day heard you complain of it." 
 
 " But I don t complain of it," I answered ; " I simply 
 asked you to allow me to tell you how I made it during your 
 absence. I don t even ask you to adopt my mode. Will 
 you hear me ? " 
 
 " Well, I suppose I must," she replied ; " but don t flatter 
 yourself that I shall feel under any obligations to discard my 
 present way of making it. My father always said he never 
 wished better coffee than that my mother prepared, he 
 was very particular in regard to his .coffee, and I make it 
 exactly as she did. But let me hear your mode." 
 
 " Well, in the first place," I said, " after the coffee is 
 nicely roasted, I soak overnight as much as I wish to use 
 for my breakfast say half a pound for two cups in as 
 much brandy as will cover it."
 
 124 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Good gracious ! " exclaimed my wife. 
 
 " Don t interrupt me, if you please," I said. ; Then, in 
 the morning, I pound it in a mahogany mortar, which I 
 bought expressly for the purpose, and only use for my cof 
 fee, till eacli berry is finely mashed, and the entire mass 
 has become paste-like in its character." 
 
 " Allow me to ask," said my wife, " how long is it neces 
 sary to pound it before its paste-like character is attained ? " 
 
 " Well, from twenty to thirty .minutes," I replied. 
 
 My wife cast up her hands in astonishment. 
 
 " If it prove too dry," I continued, " add more brandy." 
 
 " Would n t whiskey answer ? " asked my wife, in a sar 
 castic tone of voice. 
 
 " Perhaps it would," I replied. " I have occasionally 
 thrown a few lumps of loaf-sugar into the mortar, which 
 has the effect of clarifying the coffee. Then I place the 
 pounded mass into an earthen coffee-pot, and pour upon it 
 a cupfull of boiling water. After it has steeped for about 
 ten minutes, I add the balance of water necessary, and in 
 five minutes thereafter it is ready -for the table." 
 
 " Really," my wife exclaimed, as I concluded my account, 
 " it may be a very excellent mode, but it certainly is expen 
 sive, to say nothing of the time consumed in making it. 
 Any day, however, that you may like to make it in that way 
 yourself, I will not object ; but, for my part, I think the 
 usual mode is the better." 
 
 " Let me tell you, my dear, that coffee made in this way- 
 is very healthy. The cook says that she and the strange 
 babe have grown fat on it." 
 
 " Indeed ! " ejaculated my wife ; " and that reminds me 
 that I have seen the babe, and don t wonder that the cook 
 took such a liking to it It is a very pretty child, and, do 
 you know, I think I can tell whose it is." 
 
 " No ! " I answered, half trembling lest my good name 
 should in some unaccountable manner become involved in 
 the matter.
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 125 
 
 " Why, the moment I looked at it, I recognized the re 
 semblance it bore to the poor woman who used to help 
 Katy in the washings, and whose husband, you know, be 
 longs to the Sixty-Ninth Regiment. Indeed, the cook said 
 she knew it was hers, and added that the mother comes 
 here nearly every day to see it. Old Sallie says, moreover, 
 she suspected it from the first ; and when the poor woman 
 came to the house a few days after the child was left here, 
 and observed the little one lying so comfortably in its cra 
 dle, she fairly wept for joy, and acknowledged that she was 
 its mother. The little babe s father, she said, was away to 
 the wars, and he had n t sent her a single cent since he left 
 her, and she was obliged to go out to day s work to enable 
 her to get money enough to live on, and if she kept the baby 
 with her she could n t do it ; so she said, sobbing, I thought 
 that as the missus here was away from home, and I knew 
 you, meaning the cook, was a kind-hearted body, that ye d 
 keep the little one till I could get means to take ca re of it 
 meself ; and t is I, Biddy McGuire, that will ask the Holy 
 Vargin, who knows what it is to be a mother, to bless ye, 
 and always keep the pots a-bilin when ye ve got a nice 
 dinner to get for the gentleman above-stairs. " 
 
 " I am very glad," I said, " to learn the truth of the mat 
 ter. To be frank, my dear, it has annoyed me not a little, 
 for one s neighbors are so censorious and given to gossip-, 
 that I could n t tell what they might say about it. It will 
 be better, however, for the mother to take the child home 
 with her than to leave her here any longer. If she needs 
 assistance, why you can help her, and I have no doubt her 
 husband will send her money before long." 
 
 " Very well," my wife answered ; " if she comes here to 
 day, I will see in regard to it." 
 
 " Do so," I replied ; " and now if you will give me another 
 cup of coffee, I will thank you. While I don t wish to clis- 
 p:r-noro my own coffee, I will say this for yours, that I have 
 r.ev:r rlrnnk anv made in this manner which I like better."
 
 126 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " I am glad you are pleased with it," she replied ; " but 1 
 could make much superior coffee if I had a new urn. You 
 half-promised me once to take me down to Burling Slip, to 
 your old friend Mr. Hart s, where I could select one of his 
 make." 
 
 " Very well," I said ; " you may go there any time you 
 like, and I dare say you will find one there that will please 
 even your fastidious taste." 
 
 " It would be so nice," my wife remarked, " to have an 
 entire silver-plated service on our table at Thanksgiving- 
 time, which, you know, will be here in a few days." 
 
 " It would indeed, my dear, be very nice, as you say," I 
 replied ; " but I really don t see how I can afford it. The 
 times are so hard now, and I am making so little money, 
 that we must live very economically till the prospects are 
 fairer." 
 
 " Certainly," my wife answered, " I am ready to econo 
 mize in any way you may suggest, if by so doing I can get 
 a set of silver. For instance, I might give up drinking 
 tea and you coffee. Your way of making it costs about 
 fifty cents a cup, and if our entire household should drink 
 their usual proportion of it, it would come to about two dol 
 lars a day, which would amount, in the course of the year, 
 to seven hundred dollars. Quite an item, you will allow, 
 in the yearly expenses, and which, if saved, would enable 
 us to purchase some very handsome solid silver table arti 
 cles ; but for my part, I would be contented with a heavily 
 plated service." 
 
 " But if we must give up coffee and tea to obtain them, 
 what would be the use of having them at all ? If you don t 
 intend to use your coffee-urn or teapot, I see no reason for 
 getting them." 
 
 " Oh ! " exclaimed my wife, evidently overwhelmed ; " but 
 but" 
 
 " I don t see it," I said. 
 
 " Well, if we had company, you know," she continued,
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 127 
 
 after a pause, "why then it would be necessary to have 
 both tea and coffee. And, perhaps, we might give up some 
 other luxury." 
 
 " New bonnets, for instance ? " I suggested. 
 
 " Well, no ; I could n t very well do without a bonnet," 
 she said ; " but there are other articles which we might do 
 without." 
 
 What?" I asked. 
 
 " Cigars, wines, and costly dinners." 
 
 " Certainly," I replied ; " anything else ? " 
 
 " Let riie think a moment," she said. " Oh, you talk 
 about getting a new overcoat ; don t you think your old one 
 will answer, if it has new buttons and is carefully repaired ? " 
 
 " Why, of course it will," I replied : u what a suggestive 
 mind you possess. Now is there nothing else ? " 
 
 " No ! " said my wife, thoughtfully, " I think that -is all 
 that will be necessary ; but if more be required, I will give 
 up my usual box of gloves on Christmas, and only buy a 
 pair at a time as I may want them." 
 
 " Very well," I said. " I see nothing in the way, then, to 
 prevent you from getting the silver as soon as you can lay 
 by sufficient money to purchase it with. And now, I must 
 be off to business. Good-bye, my dear." 
 
 And kissing my wife on both cheeks, I hastily departed, 
 leaving her slightly astonished, and wondering when she 
 should be able to make her little investment in silver ware.
 
 128 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 FOURTH FELICITY. 
 
 PEACE AT LAST. 
 
 you know, my dear," I said to the fair woman 
 who has the misfortune to be my wife, as we sat 
 together in the library the other evening, it 
 chanced to be the anniversary of our marriage, " that I 
 have been thinking recently, and especially was it in my 
 thoughts during your visit to your mother, that you really 
 might have obtained a better husband than you did ? " 
 
 " 0h, as for that," she replied, " I made up my mind to 
 that effect years ago ; in fact, we had n t been married a 
 month before I discovered the mistake I had made. But, 
 as it was too late then to make any change, I resolved to 
 make the best of the husband I had obtained. Now there 
 was Charley" 
 
 " Never mind, my dear," I interposed, " about reviving 
 the names of any of your old beaux. I don t wish to 
 hear aught about them ; and as they are all either dead and 
 buried, or married, which amounts to about the same 
 thing the less said in relation to them the better." 
 
 " Well, I don t know about that either," she answered ; 
 " there are such things in this world as divorces, and, 
 moreover, there are such persons as widowers. My old 
 friend, Dr. Brown, whom I knew long before I ever met 
 you, is a widower; and Parson Hill is another; and 
 Judge " 
 
 " Yes, yes," I cried, " I know them very well ; their 
 wives, let me tell you, died of broken hearts, from the 
 effects of their ill-treatment. Butchers, my love, could not 
 be more savage and cruel to innocent lambs, than they
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 129 
 
 were to their wives. It s a fact, and the whole neighbor 
 hood, as you know, used to talk about their inhuman treat 
 ment." 
 
 " I must say, on the contrary," said the obstinate little 
 woman, " that I never heard a whisper breathed against 
 their kindness and tenderness. Why, just look at the 
 beautiful monuments they have erected over their wives 
 graves, and the lovely poetry inscribed upon them ! " 
 
 " Plum ! " I exclaimed, " that is an easy thing to do ; 
 but it don t follow that, because one erects a monument a 
 hundred feet high over his buried wife, that he loved her a 
 hundred-fold better than he who simply plants a rose-bush 
 at the head of his darling s grave. It is almost proverbial, 
 too, that epitaphs never tell the truth ; and if you should 
 die, my dear, though I would mourn for you very sincerely, 
 I do not believe that I would place more than a simple 
 slab above your grave, inscribed with your name and age." 
 
 " Of course you would n t," my wife exclaimed, the tears 
 rising to her eyes ; " it would be as much as I could expect, 
 if you were to give me even a decent burial, leaving the 
 matter of a monument or tombstone entirely out of the 
 question." 
 
 " Pshaw ! my dear," I replied ; " is there any use in your 
 talking that way, I should like to know ? In the first place, 
 your health is perfectly good, and " 
 
 " My health good ! " she interrupted. " Why there never 
 was a more feeble woman than I am. You know how 
 weak and ill I have been ever since we were married, and 
 that I am liable to die any moment. But you are used to 
 hearing me say so, and seeing me in this condition. My 
 mother knows how precarious my life is, and she told me, 
 the very hour before I started to come home, that I must 
 be very careful of myself; that I must not entertain too 
 much company, especially your bachelor friends; for 
 that my life hung on a thread, and that I might die any 
 moment." 
 
 9
 
 130 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 
 
 " Good Heavens ! " I exclaimed, " if there be one thing 
 more than another which I dislike, it is for your mother 
 to tell you that you are feeble. To my certain knowledge, 
 she has repeated those identical words to you at least fifty 
 times every year since we were married, and I believe she 
 only does it to frighten you, and provoke me." 
 
 " Well, you are cruel, cruel as the grave," my wife cried, 
 now quite excited ; " and I 11 no longer live under the same 
 house with one who has no more consideration for my 
 feelings and happiness than you have. My dear mother, 
 who has only her child s welfare at heart, can t give me 
 any advice but you get angry at her for it." 
 
 I don t get angry ht her," I replied. " I am only vexed 
 at her for trying to create a disturbance between us. If 
 she d let you and I manage our own household, without 
 forever suggesting this or that to you, we should know 
 more peaceful days than we do. 
 
 " I 11 tell you what, my dear," I continued, after a pause, 
 during which my wife had kept her handkerchief to her 
 eyes, in a way that suggested weeping, "I 11 tell you 
 what," I repeated, " I had further been thinking about 
 during your absence, and, if I am not greatly mistaken, it 
 will be conducive of peace in our home." 
 
 My wife removed the handkerchief from her eyes, and 
 asked me what I meant. 
 
 " I mean this, my dear," I answered : " I purpose to re 
 move from the city into the country. I believe that there 
 by your health will be greatly improved, the fresh air will, 
 I (Joubt not, bring back the roses to your cheeks, and the 
 quiet incident to a country life, together with the tender 
 communings which our hearts will hold with nature, will 
 bring peace to us at last Besides," I said, " the temptations 
 which assail us both in the city, will not exist to the same 
 extent in the country. There are no Stewarts with their 
 marble dry-goods stores in the country to tempt you into 
 going a-shopping. There are no Tillmans, with Parisian
 
 MATRIMONIAL INFELICITIES. 131 
 
 bonnets, to make you distracted three or four times a year 
 after a new hat ; everybody, that is every female body, 
 in the country, wears sun-bonnets, made of pasteboard 
 and calico, neat and tasteful affairs, which they make them 
 selves. The opera is an unknown institution ; but you can 
 hear better music without price, if you will only rise betimes 
 in the morning, and, opening your chamber-window, listen 
 to the songs the birds sing amidst the swaying branches. 
 Early rising, too, is conducive to health, and a ramble 
 through the woods is better than a promenade on the 
 fashionable side of Broadway. Again, the cost of living 
 in the country is half of what it is in the city. The rents 
 bear no comparison to city rents, add we can enjoy the 
 fresh vegetables just out of our own garden, which is 
 more than we can say of those from Washington Market. 
 The children ! ah, my dear, think of the children ! How 
 they will improve by a change from town to country. 
 They will have plenty of good milk, and lots of currants, 
 and roses, and apples, and nuts, and all those kind of 
 things. They will grow fat, and sunburnt, and freckled, 
 and tear their clothes climbing trees, and generally have a 
 good time of it ; and then it will be so nice for me to have 
 my bachelor friends come out to see me, and we can give 
 them fresh eggs, and strawberries and cream, and oh, if 
 there be one thing I like more than another, it will be to 
 live in the country with you and ours." 
 
 I suppose my wife was too overjoyed to speak ; so she 
 only nodded her head acquiescently smiled, half sadly, and 
 looked forth into the deepening twilight, while I moved 
 rearer towards her and clasped her hand in mine. 
 
 And so, when winter had glided by, May came, we went 
 into the country, where, undisturbed by city trials, we have 
 found peace at last, and all manner of agreeable matrimo 
 nial felicities.
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 I. 
 
 JACK POTTS AND WIFE NEW-YEAR S MORNING. 
 
 [0 appreciate *the value of kind neighbors, and to 
 realize the pestiferousness of evil disposed ones, it 
 is necessary to reside either in the country or in a 
 small village. In the city there exists no such race of 
 beings as neighbors. A city neighbor would be an anom 
 aly. The persons who may chance to dwell for a year or 
 two in the house adjoining yours, are never anything more 
 to you than " the family that lives next door." Whether 
 they be Christians or Jews is to you a matter of almost 
 perfect indifference. As long as they do not throw their 
 Croton over your door-steps, nor place their ash-boxes on 
 your twenty-five feet front, you are contented. They may 
 have a houseful of young ladies, who take turns in thrum- 
 ruing on the piano all day, or as many gentlemen boarders, 
 who practise blowing on French-horns and key-bugles all 
 night ; but you never think of interfering with their occu 
 pations, and asking them to put away their pianos and 
 French-horns. You simply regard the matter as a nui* 
 sance, but one which you are obliged to tolerate. In the 
 country, however, neighbors are neighbors, whether they 
 dwell next door, or over the way, or around the corner. 
 For my own part, I have lots of neighbors who live round 
 about. Of course my home is not in the city : no, I re 
 side in a little, lopsided town, built on the sunniest slope
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 133 
 
 of a hill, and striving hard to extend itself over on the 
 other side ; but, as yet, all of its efforts have proved unsuc 
 cessful, and only half a dozen rickety, wooden houses have 
 gone up on its northern declivity. 
 
 The name of this little town, though not inscribed on 
 any map, is, however, very well known to its inhabitants ; 
 and is even taught by most of its school-madams to their 
 pupils of tenderest years. It is said, though with how 
 much truth I cannot tell, that when once these children 
 have learned the same by heart, they never forget it. If 
 this be so, it speaks well for the ability displayed by these 
 juveniles of Lollipop. Lollipop is the name of the town. 
 There are a good many honest people in Lollipop besides 
 my neighbors round about ; but as it is only the latter of 
 whom I desire to speak, I will not excite the vanity of the 
 others, by recording in this account of my own neighbors, 
 any of the wonderful deeds the former have either done or 
 contemplate some day doing. 
 
 Being a bachelor, and living in chambers, my nearest 
 neighbors, of course, are those who occupy the adjoining 
 apartment. It is of these whom I feel in duty bound first 
 to speak. Being married each to the other, they are re 
 garded by their friends generally as essentially one party, 
 but I have discovered, from my closer proximity to them, 
 that they mutually regard each other as separate and inde 
 pendent beings. His name is John, familiarly called by his 
 intimate associates Jack Potts. His wife s name is Deb 
 orah, which he shortens into Deb or Debby, when coming 
 the affectionate. They are an ill-matched couple, both in 
 regard to size and disposition. Jack is short and thick, 
 and Deb tall and slender. Jack is full of jokes and good 
 nature ; Deb overflows with bile and ill-humor. Jack per 
 forms all the laughing ; Deb all the scolding. The parti 
 tion wall between our rooms is very thin, remarkably so, 
 I think, and in consequence I overhear much of their 
 conversation, which, I am inclined to believe, was never in-
 
 134 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 tended for my ears. To confess the truth, their conversa 
 tions have prejudiced me against the institution of matri 
 mony. Their case may be an exception, I trust it is ; 
 but it strikes me that the holy estate of matrimony, viewed 
 from my point of view, and seen, as exemplified in the 
 daily life of Mr. and Mrs. John Potts, is an estate which 
 I prefer rather to avoid than enter. I am decidedly a man 
 of a mild and social disposition, and possessed, even, of a 
 religious turn of mind. It is, therefore, with a feeling of 
 great regret, accompanied, moreover, with some fear, that 
 I listen to the almost daily bickerings and contentions of 
 my neighbors in the next room. I have sometimes thought 
 that I would gently rap on the partition wall, and politely 
 desire them to cease their strife, but actually I have been 
 afraid to do so. Not, however, through fear of Jack, but 
 of Mrs. Deborah. Therefore I have, wisely I think, held 
 my peace, and contented myself by sending to them 
 through the post-office sundry tracts and printed sermons 
 of a peace-promoting character. One tract I remember in 
 particular, which I thought appropriate, was entitled " Lit 
 tle children, love one another." I have also published in 
 the " Ladies Wreath " various articles headed " House 
 hold Warfare." In these papers I alluded very plainly to 
 the case under consideration, but without, I am sorry to say, 
 effecting any good result. I now propose to state the case 
 still more plainly, and let the public hear the conversation 
 which occurred between Mr. and Mrs. Potts 
 
 ON NEW-TEAR S MORNING. 
 
 On that morning, while I still was in bed, I overheard 
 John say to his wife that he had concluded to make a few 
 calls on his acquaintances. 
 
 " That will be," exclaimed Deborah, " a fine thing for 
 you to do, Mr. Potts ; yes, you had better go and leave your 
 precious wife all alone on this first day of the new year, with 
 not a soul to comfort her, and the children gone to their 
 grandmother s."
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 135 
 
 " But, my dear," said Jack, in a lively tone, " you can sit 
 up for callers yourself." 
 
 " Sit up, indeed ! " exclaimed Mrs. P. ; " and how many 
 callers do you imagine that I would be likely to have ? 
 Not one, except that odious, long-legged fellow in the next 
 room, and he 11 be certain to come poking in on me, with 
 his nasty pipe in his mouth, about dinner-time." 
 
 I was " that odious, long-legged fellow in the next room " 
 referred to, and I immediately resolved not to trouble Mrs 
 Potts in the way of which she had spoken. 
 
 " "Well, but, my dear," remarked Jack, " you need not 
 speak so loud, or our neighbor will be certain to hear you, 
 and get angry, and then, I should like to know, who will 
 bring home peanuts and candies to the children ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes, stick up for him, do ! It s no matter, I sup 
 pose, if he does puff his dirty tobacco-smoke into your dear, 
 suffering wife s eyes and throat, till she s almost dead ! 
 No, I must bear it, because he once gave the children a few 
 cents worth of candy ; and did n t they stick themselves all 
 up with it, and daub the door-knobs, which caused you to 
 swear, Mr. Potts, when you took hold of them ; and was n t 
 Phoebe Jane sick for two weeks after eating the mussy 
 stuff!" 
 
 " But," said John, " Phoebe Jane was ill of the measles, 
 and not from eating candy." 
 
 " Well, but you know yourself, Potts that I always said 
 and I 11 say it to my dying day, which can t be far off, 
 for I feel my constitution breaking up that the measles 
 was brought to Phoebe Jane in the paper around the 
 candy." 
 
 " Nonsense ! " exclaimed Jack, laughing. 
 
 " Very well, you may say nonsense, and laugh at me if 
 you like, but I know it was so ; else why did n t the other 
 children have it ? " 
 
 John replied " that he did not know why." 
 
 " Of course you don t, said Mrs. P. ; " but I do. It was
 
 136 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 because none of the other children played with that piece 
 of paper." 
 
 This was evidently a poser, and John made no reply, but 
 proceeded to blacken his boots, brushing away with great 
 energy. Mrs. Potts, too, paused to take breath. 
 
 " Oh, you need n t," at last she exclaimed, and I dis 
 tinctly heard her turn over in bed, so as to obtain a better 
 view of her liege lord, " you need n t," she repeated, " take 
 so much pains in blacking those boots : they look plenty 
 good enough to stay at home in, and it is n t likely that any 
 one but myself will see them." 
 
 " The greater reason, then, my dear, why I should take 
 extra pains with them. I always like, you know, to appear 
 well before you. Do you know, old girl," and Jack 
 stopped brushing, and looked up over his spectacles at his 
 wife, " that I came very near to buying a pair of patent- 
 leather boots, to go to church in with you on Sundays ? " 
 
 Mrs. Potts said she did not and requested him not to 
 address her as " old girl " again, for that she would n t put 
 up with it. Then, after a pause, she added, " I trust you 
 won t be such a fool, Potts, as to buy such kind of boots 
 in these hard times." 
 
 " To wear other than on Sundays," said Jack, " and in 
 your company, of course not ; but on the Sabbath, when I 
 go to church, accompanied by you and our five children, I 
 feel as if I were walking on gold dust, and nothing was 
 too good for me to wear." 
 
 " And I feel," chimed in Mrs. P., " as if I were walking 
 on eggs, for I m so afraid that the children will tumble 
 down and soil their clean clothes." 
 
 Thereupon Jack, who had finished his boots, commenced 
 humming " Old Hundred," while he walked the chamber, 
 opening and closing drawers as if in search of something, 
 till at last I heard him turn a key in its lock, when Mrs. 
 Potts immediately shouted, " There, now, John, you need n t 
 go to that closet, for you won t find your vest there, if that s
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 137 
 
 what you re looking for. You 11 only tumble up my dresses 
 and make me trouble, without doing yourself any good. 
 There, you re mussing my brocade. I can tell by the rus 
 tling it makes. You re the meanest man, Potts " but 1 
 lost the remainder of Mrs. P. s remark through Jack s 
 shouting aloud, " Here it is ; I ve found it ! " And then I 
 heard Mrs. Potts rise quickly from bed, and hastily close 
 the closet-door and lock it, while Jack remained on the 
 inside. 
 
 " I 11 teach you," I heard Mrs. P. say, as she returned to 
 bed, " to rummage among my dresses." 
 
 For a few moments all was quiet ; at length Jack knocked 
 on the door of his prison. Mrs. Potts said not a word. 
 Jack knocked again ; still no reply from Mrs. P. " Come, 
 my dear, Jack said, in coaxing tones, " unlock the door 
 you ve carried the joke far enough." But Mrs. Deborah 
 still remained silent. " If you don t, Mrs. Potts," Jack 
 cried, after a pause, " I 11 pull down all your dresses." 
 
 " Do if you dare," cried the excellent Mrs. P. " Oh, 
 you mean wretch you ! " she added, as by the rustling of 
 the dresses she discovered that he was putting his threat 
 into execution. " Now, I 11 never unlock the door for you." 
 Then another pause followed, of short duration, however, 
 and the warlike Jack kicked open the door, and marched 
 forth arrayed in his white vest, and with Mrs. P. s best 
 bonnet, which had fallen from its hook, on the top of his 
 head. 
 
 Mrs. Potts groaned, and said, " My sweet little bonnet ! " 
 
 The mean man threw it at her. 
 
 " Now that you ve got your white vest, Mr Potts, I sup 
 pose you re satisfied ? " 
 
 Mr. Potts said that he was. 
 
 " A pretty state you and your white vest will be in when 
 ni^ht comes," cried Deborah. 
 
 >j 
 
 Jack grunted out, " Humph ! " 
 
 Mrs. Potts, anxious for the last word, said " Humph in 
 deed ! "
 
 138 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 And then the incorrigible Jack left the chamber, hum 
 ming a bacchanalian song. 
 
 Shortly thereafter I heard the street-door cautiously un-. 
 bolted, and looking from my window I saw Jack arrayed 
 in his white vest, and a blue coat with gilt buttons, with a 
 shining hat on his head and polished boots on his feet 
 leaving the house. Just as he turned the corner he glanced 
 up at his chamber-window, and, catching sight of Mrs. 
 P. s face thereat, blew his nose in a defiant manner, and 
 vanished. 
 
 Thereupon Mrs. P. ejaculated, " The brute ! " and im 
 mediately left the room. Afterward, when I descended 
 the stairs, on my way out to breakfast at " The Beautiful 
 Gates," I overheard her ordering Betty to bring up to the 
 dining-room the cold chicken-pie of yesterday, and a bot 
 tle of lie from the cellar
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 139 
 
 II. 
 
 JACK POTTS AND WIFE NEW TEAR S NIGHT. 
 
 after Jack Potts disappeared around the 
 
 i j*. 
 
 M-| street-corner, on New- Year morning, I, having fin 
 =* ished my toilet, sallied out in the same direction. 
 While discussing my coffee and the morning paper together, 
 at " The Beautiful Gate," Jack, accompanied by half a dozen 
 clever fellows, entered and called for hot whisky punches, 
 which he and his party apparently imbibed with great sat 
 isfaction. I came to the conclusion then, that both Jack 
 and his white vest would " be in a pretty state " when night 
 came. I was more fully impressed with the truthfulness of 
 this remark of Mrs. Potts s as the day wore on, and I en 
 countered Jack at several different places where I called. 
 On last meeting him, just at evening, he desired me to give 
 to Mrs. Potts, for him fc when I should go home, his hat, 
 (hie,) together with the compliments of the season, (hie,) 
 and to say that he would bring his white (hie) vest along 
 with himself toward morning. 
 
 Of course, I had no intention of complying with either 
 of these preposterous requests, although, in a general way, 
 I promised Jack that I would. When, however, I prepared 
 to depart, after Jack had left, I discovered that my hat was 
 missing. Jack, to make certain that I would take his hat 
 home, had worn mine off with him, and left his own in its 
 place. I should not have recognized it as Jack s, were it 
 not that his name was written in its crown. Jack had issued 
 forth in the morning with the glossiest of hats, but, alas ! 
 it now looked as if its course was nearly run, and its palm 
 iest days departed. Such a shapeless, napless, battered,
 
 140 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 used-up hat such a bunged-in and bulged-out hat such 
 a broken brimmed and cracked crowned hat and, alto 
 gether, such an inebriated, dissipated, tight, drunken-look 
 ing old hat as it had become, was truly sorrowful for one 
 of my correct habits to behold. 
 
 If it could possibly have resulted in any good, I would 
 have stormed and blasted Jack Potts and his hat ; but, 
 knowing that such proceeding on my part could be of no 
 benefit, and Jack, with my hat, being irrevocably gone, I 
 was fain to place the unfortunate hat on my own head, and 
 forthwith start for home. It had been my intention to make 
 several more calls on" my neighbors round about, but Jack s 
 hat acted like an extinguisher ; and, when I came to put it 
 on, it fairly put out all further plans of such a nature. For 
 how, I asked myself, could I appear at the door of any re 
 spectable house in Lollipop, and expect to be admitted 
 therein, while wearing such a punched and punchy-looking 
 hat ? No, indeed ; I must go home. 
 
 It is no very pleasant thing, as I discovered, for a sober 
 man to appear in the full-moon lighted streets, wearing a 
 drunken fellow s hat It renders him liable to be remarked 
 about, in a manner no way flattering to his vanity. It even 
 exposes him to being made a target of for the snow-balls 
 of malicious boys. There is no end, indeed, to the little 
 inconveniences and unpleasantnesses attendant upon wear 
 ing this style of hat. 
 
 Suppose, after having blocks of ice and balls of snow 
 thrown at you, you take off the hat which is "the cause of 
 your trouble, and hide it, as I did, under your great-coat, 
 you think, perhaps, that you have done a wise thing. To 
 be sure, the north wind drives the drifting snow into your 
 eyes, and sifts it through your hair, till your head feels like 
 a frost-bitten pippin ; but even this is preferable, you think, 
 to hearing yourself spoken of as being " on a spree," and 
 insolently requested by passers-by to show your paces, as 
 if you were on a race-course. But, by-and-by, a boy meets
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 141 
 
 you ; as you pass, he stops, turns round, looks after you, 
 and then shouts aloud, " Halloo ! old fellow, I say, what 
 asylum did you get out of? was the weather pretty warm 
 there when you left ? " and then the rascal deliberately 
 shies a snow-ball at you, which makes its mark, as one did 
 on me, on your defenceless head. So you put on your hat 
 again, as I did, thinking it quite as well to be taken for a 
 tipsy chap, who knew enough to keep his head covered, 
 as for a crazy man who did not. Rendered, at last, quite 
 desperate, you even essay to imitate, in the darkish portions 
 of the street, the gait of the toper whose hat you have on, 
 and try to imagine vainly, of course the feelings which 
 such a one must have, so situated. If you are a long dis 
 tance from home, as I was, you run a great many terrible 
 risks escaping some, and encountering others before 
 you finally reach your own domicil. 
 
 When, however, I gained the door of Jack s house, not 
 wishing to disturb Mrs. Potts, I proceeded very carefully 
 to open it with my latch-key, and then, with the least pos 
 sible noise, I entered the hall. I even took off my boots, 
 so as to render my footsteps inaudible ; but no sooner did 
 I begin to ascend the stairs, than the parlor-door was 
 thrown open by Mrs. Potts herself, who, in a very bland 
 tone, said that she hoped I was not intending to go to my 
 own room without making her a New- Year call. Mine 
 would be another name, she said, added to her list of call 
 ers, which she was keeping to show to Mr. Potts, on his 
 return home ; and, by the by, had I, she asked, met the 
 gentleman in my wanderings through the town ? 
 
 " Oh, yes," I replied ; " and he evidently was enjoying 
 himself in his own peculiar manner." 
 
 " As how ? " she inquired. 
 
 " Why," I answered, trying to look sober, " in a spirited 
 manner." 
 
 " Indeed ! " exclaimed Mrs. P., evidently understanding 
 me, for her eyes sparkled, and her lips shot forth the word 
 spitefully from between them.
 
 142 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 " A happy man is that Potts," I said, half to Mrs. P. and 
 half to the stair-railing over which I was leaning, " and a 
 fortunate dog in having so excellent a helpmeet." 
 
 " You certainly are very kind, sir," said Mrs. Potts, " to 
 say so ; but he don t deserve me. I am too good for him, 
 sir." 
 
 " Doubtless, Mrs. Potts," I replied ; " but we men are 
 apt to be undeserving of all good gifts, and I dare say Jack 
 is no better than others of his sex ; and that is why I call 
 him a lucky dog. Good night, Mrs. Potts. Present my 
 respects to John when he comes home." And, with the 
 assistance of the banisters, I ascended to my room. 
 
 " Good night, sir," said Mrs. P., and immediately re 
 treated into her apartment. 
 
 It may have been an hour thereafter, it may have been 
 two, or, indeed, close upon the morning watch, for I had 
 been asleep, so I could not with any certainty name the 
 exact time ; besides, my watch was run down, when I 
 was aroused by a thumping sound, as of some one with a 
 wooden leg, coming up the stairs. On lighting my candle, 
 and looking forth, I beheld Jack making the ascent, and 
 dragging after him a barber s pole. Mrs. Potts, in a white 
 wrapper, and with her hair in curl-papers, that formed, as 
 it were, a second border to her night-cap, stood at the top 
 of the stairs, watching, with forced calmness, Jack s futile 
 efforts. At last, as the reckless fellow plunged the large 
 end of the pole into the hard-finished wall, Mrs. P. could 
 restrain herself no longer. " Now, then, you miserable 
 Potts," she exclaimed, " see what you are doing. If ever a 
 woman has seen trouble, and borne with a man till longer 
 bearing would be a crime, I m sure that I am that woman. 
 For twelve years, Potts, on each New- Year day, you have 
 engaged in just such another ridiculous affair as this. I 
 knew how it would be this morning, before you ever started 
 to go out. I could see this end, and the plight you re in 
 now, just as plain as if it had been shown me by the spirits.
 
 MY . NEIGHB ORS. 1 43 
 
 And a pretty state, I dare say, your white vest is in by this 
 time. Oh, you mean, good-for-nothing Potts, you ! " she 
 added, as Jack, with the end of the pole, knocked to pieces 
 the hall-lamp. " Now, I guess, you are satisfied. I wish 
 it had been your head, though ; " and the exasperated woman 
 shook the row of curl-papers at him. 
 
 Potts all the while said not a word y but steadily gave his 
 whole mind and strength to the getting up-stairs of the 
 barber s pole. Discouraged at last, however, but still keep 
 ing silent, he relinquished his efforts, and turning on me a 
 look of indescribable anguish, he allowed himself to be led 
 away by Mrs. P., and so disappeared from my sight within 
 his own room. 
 
 " Now, then, Mr. John Potts," I heard his wife say, " I 
 want you to give me an account of yourself." 
 
 " I did n t keep any, my dear," he replied. 
 
 " Don t say my dear to me, sir, if you please," she con 
 tinued. " I am not your dear. If I were, you would not 
 have spent New- Year day in the way you have. You re a 
 shame and a sorrow to me, Potts, and a living disgrace to 
 your children. What an example to set them, Potts ! Just 
 think of it. There s Tom, only ten years old, and yet he 
 is already following in your footsteps. Remember what he 
 did Christmas. You can t ? Of course you cannot ; but I 
 can. He got into the store-room, and helped himself to 
 ruin-cherries till he was tipsy. Oh, you need n t laugh, you 
 miserable Potts, you, for you 11 find it, one of these days, 
 no laughing matter. And me look at me, sir, if yon 
 dare, and think how lonely I must have been, here in this 
 great house, with not a soul to speak a comforting word 
 to me, and you gone, no one knows where." 
 
 " Did n t he " and here Jack, I suppose, pointed to 
 wards my apartment " call on you ? " 
 
 " No, he just did n t," replied Mrs. P. ; " and I m thankful 
 for that Oh, he s another pretty man so soft-spoken 
 and amiable before one, but so mean behind one s back.
 
 141 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 Such a time as he has had to-day, too. He thought I would 
 n t know it. Dunce ! did n t I see his hat, which he tried to 
 hide from my sight, under his coat, as he went up-stairs, 
 and did n t it tell the story ? I ve seen crushed hats before, 
 as you very well know, Potts, but I never saw such a crushed 
 hat as is his in the next room." 
 
 " Was it crushed badly ? " asked Jack. 
 
 " I never," answered Mrs. P., " have seen its equal. 
 What an awful row he must have been engaged in, and 
 to think, Mr. Potts, that he is under the same roof with 
 us." 
 
 " It s horrible to contemplate," Jack replied ; " but the 
 hat itself, my dear, belongs to me. I sent it home to you 
 by our neighbor, and borrowed his in its place." 
 
 " Mr. John Potts," exclaimed Mrs. P., solemnly, " you 11 
 be the death of me, one of these days. You re a mean, 
 mean man." 
 
 And Mrs. Potts closed her eyes, I suppose, and imme 
 diately went to sleep, for not a single word more did she 
 utter
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 145 
 
 III. 
 
 HANKY AND KATRINA VANDER HEYDEN AT HOME. 
 
 ;Y neighbors who live over the way are very differ 
 ent sort of people from Mr. and Mrs. John Potts. 
 They lead, I am certain, much happier lives. They 
 also are married, and though no better matched in point 
 of size, for the husband is tall and thin, while the wife is 
 short and plump, yet in disposition they are as like as the 
 right and left sides of a ripe orange. A very cheerful 
 couple are they, and the husband whistles, and the wife 
 sings like a music-box, all the day long, only, unlike the 
 music-box, she does not require winding up. Fond, too, 
 are they of children. Their house swarms with them, as 
 if it were a great beehive. There are children clustering 
 on the roof and in the garret, children looking out of 
 every window, children sitting on the stairs and in the 
 cellar, children playing in the back yard and in the front, 
 children going out and coming in all day and evening. 
 Sometimes, from my window, I have counted thirty and 
 forty boys and girls at my neighbor s over the way ; not all 
 of them their own, however ; oh, no ; for most of them 
 belong to their neighbors. All the neighbors round about 
 except the two maiden ladies on the corner and my 
 self, who neither of us have children allow their little 
 ones to visit my neighbor s children over the way. And 
 fine times they have there, and much gingerbread, and 
 crullers, and doughnuts, and molasses candy, do they con 
 sume under the hospitable roof of 
 10
 
 146 .Vr NEIGHBORS. 
 
 HANKY AND KATRINA VANDER HEYDEN. 
 
 Hanky Vander Heyden is a Dutchman. His father and 
 mother before him were Dutchmen. He has brothers and 
 sisters who are Dutchmen, and, for aught I know, scores 
 of uncles, aunts, and cousins, who all are likewise Dutch 
 men. The first of the race at least, the first in this 
 country of whom the Vander Heydens themselves possess 
 any knowledge was himself a Dutchman, and came from 
 Leyden in Holland to New Amsterdam in America dur 
 ing the latter part of the reign of William the Testy. He 
 was a mere baby in arms when this doughty governor died, 
 and, in reality, only made his first appearance on the stage 
 of life as an actor in the days of Peter the Headstrong. 
 
 Although not set forth in the veritable " History of New- 
 York." written by the learned and beloved Diedrich Knick 
 erbocker, for I, as a veracious narrator should, have made 
 diligent search therein without success, still it is a well- 
 authenticated fact, that Cornelius Vander Heyden, the ear 
 liest known progenitor of the family, was a drummer-boy in 
 the redoubtable army of the sturdy Peter, and was celebrated 
 through the length and breadth of Manhattan for being 
 able to beat many warlike airs on his drum, and also for 
 his skill in whistling at the same moment very fife-sound 
 ing accompaniments. He was, too, an exceedingly terrible 
 fighter, and it is recorded in the legends of the house, that 
 he was knocked over five times during the dreadful attack 
 of the army of Peter the Headstrong on the redoubtable 
 Fort Christina, by the recoil of a gun in the hands of u 
 brother soldier. 
 
 Hanky is the sixth in descent from this valiant character, 
 and, though not so warlike a personage as his ancestor, is 
 quite as celebrated for his musical talent. He can beat a 
 drum, play a fiddle, and whistle as piercingly as ever could 
 his great progenitor. In fact, whistling seems hereditary in 
 the family of the Vander Heydens ; and each generation,
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 147 
 
 since the days of Cornelius, have been more or less cele 
 brated for the same. I said Hanky is not a warlike person, 
 and yet I am prepared to assert that he himself has shed 
 more blood than his worthy ancestor ever saw. For Hanky s 
 business is that of drawing teeth, and his customers are so 
 numerous, that they keep him busily employed each day, in 
 his particular vocation, from dawn till dark. 
 
 Hanky s good frau has blessed him with no less than ten 
 white-headed urchins, who each is the very image of his 
 excellent father. At least this is what the old women in 
 the village say ; and, as they all, in turn, assisted at their 
 coming into the world, they of course ought to know. His 
 wife Katrina, however, a square-shaped little body, who 
 eschews hoops and crinoline, but wears half a dozen thickly 
 quilted silk petticoats, declares that her boys never did 
 look like the " old man," but just favored her own family 
 like pictures. Katrina was born a Higginbotham a 
 family much older and solider than the Vander Heydens. 
 Between Katrina and Hanky this brood often are so many 
 bones of cheerful contention, each standing up for a family 
 likeness. Indeed this is the only subject on which they are 
 not cordially united in the same mind. On all other topics 
 they agree with the exactness of a hair. 
 
 Hanky, who is about fifty years of age, has amassed quite 
 a little property, which is snugly invested in bonds and 
 mortgages ; and he is daily adding to his wealth, notwith 
 standing the great drain made on his pocket-book by his 
 mischievous boys, in the separate items of jackets, trousers 
 and other articles of a boy s wardrobe. But Hanky is 
 careful man, counting his pennies and laying them up se 
 curely where neither moth nor rust corrupts them, and 
 where thieves cannot very easily get at them to steal. 
 
 Occasionally of an evening, after I have made certain, 
 by reconnoitring, from my apartment, the various windows 
 of Hanky s house, that his olive-plants are all deposited in 
 -lot-beds, I take my pipe and go over to have a smoke and
 
 148 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 a talk with him, and to taste his good dame s pies and 
 cookies. Katrina and I have been friends for a great num 
 ber of years ; how many, I am unable to state exactly. To 
 be candid, however, I am willing to confess that she was 
 an old .flame of mine twenty years ago, when, a blooming 
 Dutch belle, she laughed at Hanky and his attentions I 
 will not say, when I offered her my hand and heart, all, 
 n truth, that I had to offer, that she refused both them 
 and me ; for such a confession would be foolish in a man 
 of my years to make ; but I will say that I never desired 
 to marry a woman more than I did her. That, remember, 
 was in years gone by. If she should, some day which 
 Heaven forbid ! be left a widow, I do not think that, 
 under existing circumstances, I would be likely to renew 
 my suit in that quarter. Between a girl of eighteen or 
 twenty, ballasted with a half score of canvas bags filled 
 with dollars, and a w r oman of forty, freighted with the same 
 number of children, there is, in my mind, a vast and strik 
 ing difference. 
 
 O 
 
 When, of bright Sunday mornings, I see Hanky and 
 Katrina wending their way to the Lutheran chapel, followed 
 by ten jackets and trousers, stuffed with as many fat boys 
 of different periods of childhood and adolescence, I feel 
 very thankful that 1 do not occupy the position towards 
 them which Hanky does. I cannot avoid wondering, how 
 ever, whether, if I had married Katrina, the ten white- 
 headed boys, ranging from burly eighteen to toddling four 
 years, would have been my children. I am very confident 
 remembering my Bohemian habits that I never should 
 have been able to support them, if such had been the case. 
 I see very plainly the hand of Providence in all these 
 things, and am extremely thankful that Hanky, and not I, 
 is their father. 
 
 When, some twenty years since, I learnt that Hanky was 
 about to marry Katrina, she whose smiles and frowns had 
 been to me, for years, as sun and shadow in my life, I
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. H9 
 
 incontinently left Lollipop, shaking its dust off my feet and 
 her memory from my heart, as I departed, and became a 
 waif, drifting here and there over the world, the companion 
 of good-for-nothing poets, unknown authors, and unappre 
 ciated painters. At the end of ten years I returned, but 
 little better off, in a moneyed point of view, than when I 
 commenced my wanderings, and somewhat afraid, too, 
 lest in meeting Katrina I should lose my peace of mind. 
 
 One morning, shortly after my arrival, while wandering 
 around the market-place, I accidentally encountered a portly 
 dame with a basket on her arm, and five dirty-faced ur 
 chins hanging to her apron-string; but for her genial, un 
 altered smile, and the merry voice with which she greeted 
 me, I should have failed to recognize in her the ideal of 
 my youth. Even to a superficial observer there would have 
 appeared, in her personal attractions, sundry wonderful de 
 velopments which time had generously bestowed on her, 
 but which I did not consider in the light of improvements. 
 She was a plump girl when I had parted from her ; but her 
 waist had considerably amplified since then, and she was a 
 good deal squarer shaped every way. 
 
 She said, however, that she was glad to see me, and then 
 immediately proceeded to call my attention to her five boys, 
 introducing each of them to me by name. When she had 
 finished the presentation of these, she added that there was 
 another one at home in his cradle which I must go to see. 
 I said I would, and then perceiving that her basket was 
 heavily laden, I offered to carry it for her : she kindly per 
 mitted me to take it, and so, side by side, followed by th 
 five dirty-faced lads, I walked once again down the familiar 
 street, with my old, old love. 
 
 People that knew us laughed as we passed them ; but 
 for my part I don t think I felt at all like laughing, though 
 Katrina rattled on in her old way, and talked of the days 
 gone by as if they were but yesterday, breaking off occa 
 sionally to scold one of the boys for imitating a drunken
 
 150 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 man, chasing a pig, or casting a stone at a yellow dog. 
 One of the five the brightest of the lot, I thought was 
 named after me. And when she uttered his name, in the 
 same tone and with the exact words in which I had count 
 less times heard her speak to me. saying, " Stop acting so, 
 can t you ? " I, somehow, became confused, and more than 
 half believed though, after all, it appeared like a hide- 
 us nightmare that I never had been away, but was my- 
 elf married to Katrina, and consequently father to the lads 
 following behind us. 
 
 When, however, Hanky himself opened the door for us, 
 and shook his head merrily at me, and proceeded to ad 
 dress Katrina as " ducky," and " my little woman," I man 
 aged to shake off the nightmare, and to bid them "good 
 morning." Then, retreating to the hotel where I was 
 stopping, I shut myself within my room, and, fortified with 
 sundry comfortable things, I gravely considered the case 
 in all its different ramifications ; and when, at evening, I 
 walked forth in the summer twilight, the enchantment, 
 which for years had bound me, was broken, and I breathed 
 freely, and without the weight on my heart which for more 
 than ten years had been there. 
 
 As I walked along under the starlight, through well- 
 known ways, I could not avoid saying to myself, that a fat 
 woman bearing a market-basket, and followed by five tow- 
 headed boys, is not calculated to keep alive in one s breast 
 the love which, in other years, was given to a merry maid, 
 now, alas ! a wife and mother, fat and forty at that. 
 
 So, occasionally of an evening, I go over to see Katrina 
 and Hanky, nor fear that my visits may occasion either 
 them or me loss of sleep or peace of mind.
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 151 
 
 IV. 
 
 HANKY AND THE WIDOW S SLEIGH-RIDE. 
 
 (OCCASIONALLY, of an evening, I visit my neigh 
 bors over the way. I passed last evening with 
 them. Hanky and I smoked our pipes and told 
 stones, while Katrina busy little woman that she is 
 occupied herself in new-seating several pair of juvenile 
 trousers. I listened to Hanky, but I looked on Katrina. 
 It was pleasant to mark how quickly her needle flew ; to 
 see how scientifically she cut, and shaped, and fitted, and 
 matched her patches. And then when she held up the di 
 lapidated trousers before the light, looking for their thin 
 and weak spots, it was, to me, a very comical sight, and 
 caused me to laugh aloud. 
 
 " Ah ! you laugh now," said Katrina, merrily ; " but by- 
 and-by, perhaps, you 11 look grave. Your tune will come, 
 Master Bachelor, one of these days. You can t go through 
 life the free and easy individual you now are. A net is 
 weaving around you, and every year its meshes are draw 
 ing closer together." 
 
 " Alas ! " I replied, " I shall never marry until I am 
 wedded to my coffin." 
 
 This time Katrina laughed. She knew that this reply 
 was a standing joke of mine, as once upon a time there 
 had been a little, hoaxing, coaxing, good-for-nothing, blue- 
 ejed hussy, living on the island of Nantucket, a relative 
 of the worthy admiral, Sir Isaac Coffin, named Miriam 
 Coffin, to whom, when quite a boy, I had made any quan 
 tity of love, and with whom I had exchanged a lock of 
 hair ; but, bless me ! nothing ever came of it t was a
 
 152 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 childish affair ; and so one clay she married the mate 
 a second mate, I guess he was of a whaler, and became 
 a Hussey for life. I understand that in the matter of ju 
 venile hussies she has done very well for the " second mate," 
 and, for my part, I trust that his " lay " is large enough to 
 enable him to support the " young fry " comfortably. 
 
 " How s dat ? " said Hanky ; " tell him about it" 
 
 And so, though I had more than fifty times related the 
 circumstance to " him," I once more repeated it, as above 
 narrated. 
 
 " And are you," asked Hanky, as I finished, " lying off 
 and on in the offing still for dat little craft ? " 
 
 I nodded my head. 
 
 " And you re waiting for her skipper to kick the buck 
 et ? " he inquired. 
 
 I nodded again. 
 
 " Well, now den, Billy-boy," my name (I do not think 
 that I have mentioned it before) is William Finch, Esq., 
 " you just tell him what you think about Katrina here." 
 
 " I think of her," I replied, " as a very kind wife too 
 kind, indeed, for you and as a most excellent mother." 
 
 "Is dat all?" asked Hanky. 
 
 " Yes," I answered. 
 
 " Why, I thought," said Hanky, dat you loved her your 
 self a leetle." 
 
 " Only Platonically, Hanky, " that is all," I replied. 
 
 " Is dat all ? " asked Hanky. " My little woman now is 
 disappointed ; are n t you, Katrina ? " 
 
 " No ! " answered Katrina ; " and I am certain that Mr 
 Finch knows you too well to care for aught you say." 
 
 " Indeed I do, Mrs. Vander Heyden. I ve known him 
 a long time, ever since he and the Widow Ravenplumo 
 took a sleigh-ride together." 
 
 " Oh, doncler ! " exclaimed Hanky. 
 
 " Do tell me about it," said Katrina. 
 
 " Oh, blitzen ! " shouted Hanky.
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 153 
 
 And so, without heeding Hanky or his outcries, I pro 
 ceeded to narrate the story of 
 
 HANKY AND THE WIDOW S SLEIGH-RIDE. 
 
 " When Hanky Vander Heyden first came to this part 
 of the country, nearly twenty-five years ago, the Wid 
 ow Ravenplume was considered rather a fast woman. She 
 bought lottery-tickets, played a winning hand of whist, 
 and patronized cock-fights, or, as she modestly termed 
 them, chanticleer battles. She was a masculine-appearing 
 woman, tall, gaunt, and grenadier-like. She had large 
 hands and feet, and threw her head back when she walked, 
 for all the world like the man who carries the bass-drum in 
 our German band. She was somewhat gay in her dress, 
 and delighted in feathers, flowers, and bright-colored rib 
 bons. Of course she had money out at interest, safely in 
 vested in bonds and mortgages, and was called rich and 
 parsimonious. The number of the years of her life was, as 
 an unsolved problem, unknown ; even her intimate friend, 
 Miss Prudence Jones, did not know it ; and when she failed 
 to know a thing, no one else could be expected to. The 
 widow wore false hair, a front-piece, with puffs, which 
 was very becoming. She had false teeth made of white 
 wax, which she shaped anew every day ; and false ramparts, 
 formed of the same material as that behind which lay the 
 defenders of New Orleans on the 8th January, 1815. The 
 widow s Christian name was Betsy, but when she went into 
 half-mourning a few months after Mr. Ravenplume s 
 death she wrote Elizabeth on her cards, and gravely 
 informed her friends that henceforth Elizabeth was her 
 name ; though she had about as much right to it as Hanky 
 would have to call himself Henry. 
 
 "It happened that the first evening on which Hanky 
 made his appearance in public which was at a quilting 
 oee, at Mrs. Squire Bunker s that the widow was pres 
 ent and proceeded immediately to set her foot on his corns,
 
 154 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 and lay her hand on his shoulder, and so led him away a 
 captive. That night Hanky danced forty times with the 
 widow. He escorted her to the supper-table, where he 
 loaded her plate with sour-krout and doughnuts. He 
 waited upon her home, and kissed her behind the hall- 
 door, as he bade her good-night ! " 
 
 " Oh, donder ! " Hanky shouted. 
 
 " He called on the widow the next day ; he took tea 
 cheap black tea with her the afternoon following, and 
 the ensuing evening he invited her to a sleigh-ride ; " " oh, 
 blitzen !" interrupted Hanky ; " and away they went. 
 
 It was a clear, cold, starlight night in January that the 
 Widow Ravenplume and Hanky rode out of Lollipop, well 
 protected from the cold by buffalo-robes, hot bricks, and 
 hot drinks, and glided swiftly along over the smooth, snow- 
 covered track, towards the Red Stores, some eight or 
 nine miles distant. Upon what subjects Hanky and the 
 widow conversed, while on their way thither, I do not 
 know ; but this much, however, I do know, that on their 
 way back whether it were the hot toddies, of which he 
 had freely partaken, or the flattering words of the widow, 
 or his remembrance of her bonds and mortgages, or her 
 gentle pressure of his hand, or what it were I cannot posi 
 tively say, but, at all events, whatever it were that influ 
 enced him he, Hanky Vandcr Heyden, dentist, some 
 where on the line of those eight or nine miles, did then 
 and there offer himself to the said widow, and was imme 
 diately accepted." 
 
 " Saint Nicholas ! " ejaculated Hanky. 
 
 Katrina looked sober. 
 
 " Before twenty-four hours had elapsed, everybody in 
 Lollipop knew that Hanky and the widow were engaged 
 to be married. How any one had learned it, was to the 
 parties themselves a mystery. Hanky vowed to the widow, 
 in very good Low Dutch, that he had never whispered a 
 word of it to a living soul ; and the widow declared, in
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 155 
 
 straightforward Yankee, she came from Down East, 
 that she had not lisped a breath of it to any one, except to 
 her dearest friend, Miss Prudence Jones, and that she, Miss 
 Jones, was just the pink of discretion and the seal of se 
 crecy. 
 
 " Well, the affair, as such affairs usually do, ran along 
 smoothly for a while Hanky all the time living in 
 clover, partaking of the widow s cheap black teas, and her 
 still cheaper baker s cakes, which she bought at the rate 
 of thirteen for sixpence, passing his evenings with her, 
 and occupying his nights in dreaming of her bonds and 
 mortgages. But Hanky s love verified at last the words of 
 the poet concerning the course of true love ; and one day, 
 shortly after Hanky had presented the widow with an up 
 per and lower set of enamelled teeth, warranted better 
 than originals, and when she had faithfully tried them 
 and found them equal to her expectations, she declared 
 openly and boldly, in the midst of the sewing society, that, 
 though Hanky Vander Heyden made very good teeth, she 
 did not think that he would make as good and perfect 
 a husband ; and so the engagement was broken off, and 
 Hanky jilted." 
 
 " Bonder and blitzen take the widow ! " shouted Hanky ; 
 " and Katrina, little woman, mix him something hot." 
 
 " A large proportion of the population of Lollipop," I 
 continued, after Hanky had obtained from his little woman 
 that for which he asked, "said that the only reason the 
 widow became engaged to Hanky was, that so she might 
 obtain a set of teeth free of expense. Even Hanky him 
 self believes this saying." 
 
 " Ya," cried Hanky, " dat is so." 
 
 " And now, Hanky," I said, " if you will play a march 
 for me on your fife, I 11 bid you and Katrina good-night, 
 and go home." 
 
 " What for?" he asked; "because you told Katrina dat 
 dondering story about him and the widow ? "
 
 156 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 " Ya," I cried, mockingly. 
 
 " Well, den," he replied, " give de old man de fife, Ka- 
 trina." 
 
 Katrina did so. 
 
 " Now, den," said Hanky, " when him begins to play, 
 you go." 
 
 I promised " him " I would. 
 
 Then, much to my amazement and merriment, Hanky 
 struck up the " Rogue s Ma rch " ; and with that compli 
 mentary air in my ears I departed. 
 
 After I had reached my own apartments, I heard my 
 neighbor, Mrs. Potts, in the adjoining room, say to her 
 husband, " John, John Potts, wake up ; I ve got something 
 to tell you." 
 
 " Well," replied John. 
 
 " Our lodger, Billy Finch, has just come in," whispered 
 Mrs. P. 
 
 " Well," said Jack. 
 
 " Do you know," she asked, " where he has been this 
 evening ? " 
 
 u No ! " groaned Jack. 
 
 " Then I 11 tell you," said Mrs. Potts ; " he s been court 
 ing Katrina Vander Heyden again." 
 
 u Well," answered Jack. 
 
 . " Well, indeed ! " reiterated Deborah ; " but it is n t well ; 
 it s a sin and a shame ; and if I were her husband, I d turn 
 him out of doors." 
 
 " Well," moaned Jack, despairingly. 
 
 " Oh, you re an unfeeling, miserable wretch ! " exclaimed 
 Mrs. Potts, " to lie by my side, and -cry, Well, well, when 
 it is n t well, but ill ! " 
 
 And the disconsolate Mrs. P. covered her head with the 
 bedclothes, and, sobbing, refused to be comforted. Pretty 
 soon I heard Jack snore, and then Mrs. Potts called him a 
 brute, and fell asleep herself.
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 157 
 
 V. 
 
 O. PHILA.NDER COE, THE POET. 
 
 neighbor of mine, who lives just around 
 the corner, and inhabits an attic room in the prin 
 cipal boarding - house in the village, is a poet. 
 He is young, not over twenty years of age, perhaps ; has a 
 silky moustache, and wears Byron collars. In summer time, 
 on moonlight nights, he takes his guitar and goes about the 
 village serenading young ladies. On these occasions he 
 sings his own songs ; and very pretty songs, too, they are. 
 Love is generally the subject of them. The words are 
 adapted to some popular melody ; and as he has a very mu 
 sical voice, his entertainments are highly esteemed. Of late, 
 however, since the cold weather set in, and after a certain 
 proud young lady discarded him, he has refrained from en 
 gaging in these exhibitions. Indeed he has become quite 
 a recluse, and seldom ventures abroad in the light of day. 
 He entirely avoids large assemblages, but drops in occa 
 sionally, of an evening, to see me and talk about books and 
 poets. He delights in books ; and when the remembrance 
 of his unfortunate attachment does not intrude on his 
 thoughts, he finds much comfort in composing poems, 
 chiefly of an amatory character. Give him, he says, pen, 
 ink, and paper, and he cares not for the frivolities of life. 
 He prefers strawberries and cream to mush and milk, but 
 is contented with either. His idea of the value of money 
 is very imperfect ; and it is all the same to him whether 
 he has five dollars or five dimes in his purse, so long as his 
 immediate wants are supplied. He would be more likely 
 to pay out his last dollar to-day for a new book, than to
 
 153 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 keep it to buy with it his to-morrow s dinner, though lie 
 knew not how else that meal could be obtained. As Jack 
 Potts says, he has every kind of sense except common sense. 
 
 The poet s name, as it appears on his visiting-card, is 
 0. PHILANDER COE, which, as he facetiously remarks, is in 
 itself a sort of poem. The initial O is for Obed, his 
 maternal grandfather s baptismal appellation, but which, 
 for the sake of brevity and euphony, he suppresses on his 
 card. 
 
 The well-known firm of Ticknot and Meadows, some lit 
 tle while since, issued, in their famed azure and gilt bind 
 ing, an edition of his poems, which, however, were published 
 under a nom de plume. The volume, I understand, has not 
 met with a ready sale; and, therefore, I propose, as its 
 readers are limited, to give, from time to time, certain 
 poems contained therein. The poem, however, which I 
 give below, is not as yet included in the printed volume, 
 though, doubtless, it will appear in a second edition, if one 
 should ever chance to be called for by the public. I do 
 not think that it will be indelicate for me to mention that 
 the second edition will contain an engraved portrait of the 
 poet, after a photograph by Brady. 
 
 THE POET S LOVE. 
 
 How much I love her none can tell : 
 Alas ! she spurned me from her side ; 
 She said she d never be my bride, 
 
 And on me all her anger fell. 
 
 For she had wealth, and I had none; 
 
 And she was proud of her descent, 
 
 And scornful looks on me she bent, 
 And asked me where my race begun. 
 
 Calmly I answered proud as she 
 
 That little cared I for my name ; 
 
 That mine was but a poet s fame, 
 And that I came of low degree.
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 153 
 
 Then mockingly she laughed, and cried 
 That I might claim from her a kiss 
 When I had learned to write like this, 
 
 And then, too, would she be my bride. 
 
 She touched a volume as she spoke ; 
 
 I took it up and looked within, 
 
 I had not thought my suit to win, 
 But as I read my hope awoke. 
 
 My cheeks grew red as reddest wine ; 
 
 And then my bounding heart stood still ; 
 
 I knew that I could have my will, 
 For all the poems there were mine. 
 
 And yet I failed to claim my bride ; 
 
 All sorrowing I turned away, 
 
 Saying I d come some other day, 
 And thus I left her with her pride. 
 
 And now I walk the world alone ; 
 
 I live a life of great unrest, 
 
 I keep my sorrows in my breast, 
 Nor care to hear her lightest tone. 
 
 No one, after reading the above verses, will deny that 
 my neighbor the poet is intellectual, and that poetic sense 
 in him is strongly developed. Indeed he gives his entire 
 mind to poetry, and seldom ventures into the walks of 
 prose. As his volume of poems was published anony 
 mously, it is not strange that the lady of his love was un 
 aware that he was the poet whose verse she so greatly 
 admired. She has since learned the truth, but I have not 
 heard that she grieves in the least over her treatment of 
 0. Philander Coe. 
 
 I have refrained from mentioning, as long as possible, 
 that, though my neighbor the poet has now " walked the 
 world alone " for the space of eight or nine weeks, it does 
 not necessarily follow that he will " walk alone " for as long 
 a period of time to come. Indeed, I will state that he has
 
 ICO MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 already attained the maximum number of the weeks of his 
 loneliness ; and that on any day, henceforth, I may expect 
 to hear of his being infatuated with some other angelic 
 being than the one over whom he now grieves. Love and 
 poetry are as drink and meat to him. Deprive him of 
 these and you take away the food wherewith he lives. It 
 is not for me, however, who was engaged in numberless 
 love-affairs in the days of my own incipient manhood, to 
 revile my neighbor the poet Too many dead and buried 
 loves, now forgotten, would doubtless rise up rebukingly 
 before me, should I so do. Too many tresses of glossy 
 hair, once dearly prized, but now scattered to the winds, 
 would come floating down before my eyes, and shame me 
 into silence Too many old letters, crowded with tender 
 words and precious vows, long since burnt and turned to 
 ashes, and their promises broken and disregarded, would 
 be remembered once more, and I should read, amidst the 
 burning words and sweet expressions, in blood-red letters, 
 " Treason to the god of love." 
 
 For these reasons, therefore, if for no others, am I tender 
 of the foibles of my neighbor the poet. Time, and some 
 further experience in these matters of the heart, will show 
 him the sands upon which his love-freighted vessel drives, 
 and the rocks upon which it splits. Then he will have 
 learned to steer clear of them, and perhaps at last will 
 some day be able to guide his shattered bark into a quiet 
 haven, where he will find rest and happiness for all his life 
 to come. I say perhaps, since years must elapse before my 
 neighbor the poet can expect to gain such a harbor ; for I 
 even I, with over forty years experience find myself 
 still tacking to and fro, searching for a pleasant anchorage 
 ground. 
 
 Life, however, is not altogether dark to my neighbor 
 the poet. He finds a good many bright spots in it. The 
 sunshine falls on him as he travels up and down the stairs 
 of his boarding-house. Dwelling on the third floor di-
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 161 
 
 rectly under his apartment is a flaxen-haired little girl, 
 named Edith, of some ten or twelve summers, who wakes 
 him each morning by singing her childlike melodies ; who 
 opens the door and smiles on him whenever she hears 
 his footsteps ascending or descending on the stairs, and 
 who each night, when she utters her simple prayers, asks 
 her Heavenly Father to bless and keep her friend, the 
 poet who lives in the attic room above. 
 
 Not many of the inhabitants of Lollipop care to call upon 
 my neighbor the poet He lives so high up in the world 
 and then, too, he has neither gold nor the influence 
 gold can give that it seems to most of the inhabitants, 
 that attentions shown to him would never result in any gain 
 to them ; for these reasons they seldom molest or disturb the 
 poet in his sanctum, though his attic room is by no means 
 the cheerless place attic rooms are apt to be. After the 
 dark and narrow and winding garret-stairs, which lead to 
 his apartment, are passed, it is an agreeable surprise to 
 enter the poet s cosy and comfortable room. It is adorned 
 with paintings and pictures, and lined with books. But the 
 miserable sinners of Lollipop don t know this, and if they 
 did, it would make no difference, for such things are not in 
 their line. Besides, poor fellow ! he is always borrowing 
 money, and seldom has it in his power to return it again ; 
 and who, of the wealthy, would desire to lend money to a 
 wretched poet, who never would repay them ? So it is 
 that only moneyless individuals like myself, who possess 
 nothing that can be borrowed, frequent the attic room of 
 my neighbor the poet. There is one exception, however, 
 to this. Jack Potts, the warm-hearted fellow ! always goes 
 to see the poet when he has a pocket well lined with 
 gold ; and he always comes away minus some of his 
 riches. 
 
 Of course our poet is an extravagant dog, especially in 
 the matter of books ; he never meets with a fresh one 
 without purchasing it. The more costly it be gotten up 
 11
 
 1C2 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 the belter pleased is he with it. He is partial, too, to fine 
 engravings ; and his assortment of cap, letter, and note 
 paper is unequalled by any in the village. He is fond of 
 light wines and late suppers, and will walk a mile or more 
 to obtain an improved view of a summer sunset. He be 
 lieves in giants, dwarfs, and fairies ; and regularly on Christ 
 mas eve he hangs his stocking up for Santa Glaus to fill ; 
 and though he never obtains anything in it, he trusts that 
 on the succeeding Christmas he will ; and so he lives on 
 hope while the year runs round. From his dormer-windows 
 in the attic he beholds castles in the air, and sees ships com 
 ing home from sea. Many of these castles and ships belong 
 to him, though some he thinks are owned by rich men in 
 the village. He himself builds castles and sends ships 
 abroad, and at times believes himself to be wealthy ; but 
 this, of course, is an idle fancy. Nor do I imagine that he 
 will ever possess any real estate or much personal property ; 
 and as for such things as stocks and bonds and mortgages, 
 I don t think that he will ever clearly comprehend what 
 they are. Of gold and silver, and precious stones, I sup 
 pose he has a slight knowledge ; and with bank-notes he 
 possesses a feeble acquaintance. 
 
 Sometimes my neighbor the poet lacks buttons on his 
 shirt, and is neglectful of his hair ; but these things occur, 
 however, only when "he lives a life of great unrest," for at 
 other times he is careful of his adornings, and is slightly 
 given to enamelled studs and sleeve-buttons. But my 
 friend possesses a gentle and a loving heart, and attaches 
 to himself, in a wonderful degree, the little children of the 
 village, who all love and confide in my neighbor the poet.
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 163 
 
 VI. 
 
 THE POET S NEW AND OLD LOVE. 
 
 ,S I predicted in the preceding paper that he 
 rvi soon would, my neighbor the poet has ceased 
 to lead a life of great unrest, figuratively and 
 poetically speaking, and turned his eyes on, and given 
 his attentions to, a young maiden, more fair and beautiful, 
 as he confidentially informed me, than any of his former 
 loves. He has addressed to her, through the columns of 
 the " Midnight Sun," several sonnets, in fact, a series 
 of sonnets, treating of her personal attractions, commenc 
 ing with her hair, which he extols for its fineness, its 
 " marigold shade," and its great length ; for when loosened 
 and permitted to fall down, it hides from his enamored 
 sight unknown and countless beauties of which he may only 
 dream. From her hair he proceeds to her eyes, which 
 
 " From New England s bluebells caught their shade ; " 
 
 then he touches her lips, and about them he lovingly sings, 
 terming them 
 
 " Rose-buds round which the honey-bee lingers ; " 
 
 and so, on he goes, sonnet after sonnet, till at last h 
 reaches her dainty feet, which he compares to the 
 
 " White caps that dance on the wind-beaten billows," 
 
 probably from having first encountered them at a ball, 
 where they were encased in white satin slippers, and doing 
 good service for their proprietor. 
 
 Miss Mary Golde the name of the young lady is a 
 stranger in Lollipop ; nor has our poet with her any per-
 
 164 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 sonal acquaintance. As yet he stands afar off and views 
 her, as it were, through an Indian-summer sort of an atmos 
 phere one particularly appreciated by poets and lovers. 
 Seen through my eyes, however, and by the aid of myforty- 
 ycars -experience spectacles, the young lady is not at all 
 extraordinary. I think that Katrina Higginbotham, in her 
 palmy days, before she knew or even dreamed of Hanky 
 Vander Heyden, when 1 was paying to her my court, was a 
 much mdre splendid appearing woman than the blue-eyed 
 subject of my neighbor the poet s sonnets. Yet I never 
 wrote any verses in her praise, nor thought, forsooth ! that 
 she stood in need of them. I would as soon have dreamed 
 of giving her what Biddy calls a " recommend of character " 
 as have offered tp her laudatory ve rse, even if it could have 
 appeared in the columns of the " Midnight Sun," and been 
 puffed into notoriety by the editor himself, through a notice 
 like the following : 
 
 " Our young and talented fellow-citizen, 0. Philander Coe, 
 Esq., the poet, as will be seen by glancing at our poetical 
 department, addresses another sonnet making the sixth 
 which he has written this week to the beautiful and ac 
 complished stranger who is sojourning with us during the 
 present winter. Such zeal and attention as he displays 
 should not, we think, be unrewarded by the fair one so 
 happily sonnetized." 
 
 Of course my neighbor the poet does not perceive how 
 ridiculous the above remarks cause him to appear. Why ? 
 Because, as Jack Potts very truly says, he lacks common 
 sense. I have no doubt but that the poet blushed when he 
 read it, for he is not vain, and vanity has no place in his 
 breast Were he vain, the azure and gilt edition of his 
 poems had never appeared under a nom de plume. He 
 might very often, if he so chose, be lionized in a small and 
 genteel way, by those in the village who give dinner-parties 
 to friends from the city who visit them during the summer 
 months ; but, to his credit be it said, my young friend in-
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 165 
 
 variably refuses all invitations to these parties, preferring 
 to abide within his attic room, where, as if to console him 
 self for the gi-and dinner he has lost, he indulges in a bot 
 tle of Sauterne and some sponge-cake, and employs his 
 moments either in reading Tennyson or composing a love- 
 song. Of course, as Jack Potts would say, my poetical 
 friend displays his lack of common sense in thus acting, 
 for no one with the least particle of that blessed com 
 modity would so do. I am very certain that I would go to 
 the dinner in preference to staying in my attic, even with 
 Bordeaux, cake, and Tennyson surrounding me. 
 
 Notwithstanding my neighbor s love of retirement, and 
 his aversion to being " shown up," he is, for all this, suscep 
 tible to flattery. He is very much gratified at having me 
 call upon him, and regards my visit, I think, somewhat in 
 the light of a pilgrimage to a poet s shrine. He feels him 
 self to be, I imagine, for the time at least, another Burns or 
 a Halleck. When I address him, which I sometimes do, as 
 the last and least of poets, I believe that he feels very proud 
 of the distinction. And it is something of which to be 
 proud, this title of poet, even though one be last and least 
 among them. It is something to hold fellowship with Bry 
 ant and Longfellow, even though it be afar off. It is some 
 thing to be handed down to posterity, embalmed in Ticknot 
 and Meadows s azure and gilt publications. It is something 
 to reflect on, of a pleasant nature, that one is among such a 
 goodly company. If I were a poet, which, however, I 
 am not, I would desire to have my melodies of spring, 
 my songs of summer, my autumn wailings, and my winter 
 blasts, published by the aforesaid Athenian publishers. 
 
 I do not claim for my young friend the title of poet 
 simply from my own conviction of his merit as such, but I 
 base my assertion on firmer grounds, to wit, the judgment 
 of the worthy editors of the " Ocean Monthly," who substan 
 tiate the same by purchasing, with sundry gold eagles, the 
 product of my neighbor the poet s brain, and publishing the
 
 1GC MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 same as an original poem in the columns of the said 
 monthly. Lest any of my readers should think that my 
 neighbor the poet writes the transcendental poems that 
 from time to time adorn the pages of the " Ocean," I would 
 respectfully, and at the same time decidedly, declare, that 
 he does not. His poems are, as I have before remarked, 
 mostly of an amatory character, and perhaps slightly in 
 clining to the pastoral. His last poem, which he read 
 aloud to me an evening or two since, which concerns, I 
 imagine, the young lady to whom his sonnets were addressed, 
 is entitled 
 
 MARY. 
 
 Like melodies unnumbered, breathed by nature, wrought by art, 
 Falls thy name upon my spirit, bringing sunshine to my heart ; 
 And I deem that name a blessing, yea, an almost holy thing, 
 Fur its utterance gives a gladness which no other word can bring ; 
 To my heart it is as music, to my soul it is as prayer, 
 And like Sabbath-bell its breathing trembles on the quiet air. 
 
 Though I ve dared not to love thee save as I would love a saint, 
 
 Or a pictured head of beauty, such as Raphael might paint, 
 
 Yet I would that I might woo thee with my songs and with my 
 
 rhymes, 
 As fond lovers, robed as minstrels, wooed their loves in ancient 
 
 times : 
 
 Then within my heart a measure, and within my mind a rhyme, 
 Ever mingling with each other, would like bells make pleasant chime. 
 
 T is a closed poem to me ; t is as something never known, 
 The great glory of possessing loving heart to road my own . 
 Then to list its quiet beatings in the watches of the night, 
 And to know a face of beauty cometh ever with the light ; 
 This to me would be a glory, this to me would be a charm, 
 Little less than Heaven gives me to insure my soul from harm. 
 
 Oh, should hope but be exceeded, and I win thy gentle hand, 
 Through the world together would we journey to the better land ; 
 Moving onward as our shadows, would we wander side by side, 
 Listening to the changing murmurs wrought by Time s oblivious 
 tide;
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 167 
 
 Till our youth had faded from us, and become a memory old, 
 Would our hearts yet beat together till life s verses all were told. 
 
 Not always has my neighbor the poet been a resident of 
 Lollipop. When he first came to our village, some five 
 years ago, he was a homespun-jacketed youth, from the 
 country lying some twenty miles back amid the mountains. 
 He had been intimate with Nature since his birth. He 
 knew her in all her variety of moods. He was poeti 
 cally posted in the characteristics of her changing seasons 
 He had noted her sunrises and sunsets ; had studied the 
 clouds and counted the stars ; had listened to the singing 
 of birds, the hum of bees, the trill of locusts, the whir of 
 grasshoppers, and the sound of the bursting of buds and 
 unfolding of leaves on the forest-trees. He knew by the 
 noise of the wind, as it passed through the woods, whether 
 it bent the pines, or the cedars, or the elms, or the oaks, or 
 the maples, in its course. He passed a good many hours 
 dreaming by the side of the brawling brooks, or sunning 
 himself on the hill-side, when all the other members of his 
 father s house thought that he might be better employed if 
 he were planting corn or weeding carrots. He evinced an 
 aversion, however, to rakes, hoes, spades, and useful articles 
 of a like nature, and gave his whole mind apparently to 
 bird s-nests, water-lilies, and berries. He had a predilection 
 for the shadows that chased each other across the mountain 
 sides, and was favorably inclined to the moonlight flickering 
 on the water. He had the reputation generally, among 
 the neighbors, of being an idle, good-for-nothing boy, who 
 would come, some one day, to a bad end. 
 
 My neighbor the poet, at this primeval period of his 
 life, was excessively bashful. He blushed if a girl but 
 looked at him, and if she spoke he ran like an antelope ; 
 yet he was ever in love. He adored ladies who oftentimes 
 were old enough to be his grandmother. If they married 
 he grieved over it as if it were their funeral, and secretly
 
 1CS MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 wore, for mourning, a bit of black ribbon around his arm for 
 a week. He was more devoted, and held longer to his dead 
 loves than to those who were living, for he was as fickle in 
 his early loves as in those of later years. He loved, per 
 haps, less discriininately and wisely at that period than at 
 the present. Young maids and old maids, wives and moth 
 ers even, were alike the subjects of his regard. He carved 
 unnatural, appearing hearts and darts, and undecipherable 
 initials, on the smooth bark of maple and birch trees, as 
 evidences of his affection for the fair one the initials of 
 whose name were supposed to be inextricably entwined 
 with his own. The carved devices became at length so 
 
 O 
 
 numerous that the neighbors who passed through the forest 
 observed them, and wondered what they were for, and 
 who had cut them. They talked about them, and con 
 cluded that they were Masonic signs, and of course meant 
 no good to those dwelling near. The schoolboys believed 
 they were done by the ghost of a man, of whom tradition 
 said speaking through their grandmothers he had been 
 murdered by his rival for loving the young lady to whom 
 said murderer was betrothed. This belief was also held 
 by the young ladies who attended the district school. At 
 last the woods became a fearful spot, and no one except my 
 neighbor the poet dared to venture there after dark. But 
 he still went there, and added to his business of carving 
 
 * o 
 
 hearts, darts, and initials, that of cutting, in a like manner, 
 billing doves and the single word Love. 
 
 At last, one day, a prying, anxious maiden lady, who had 
 been loved by the boy and cast aside for one newer and 
 younger, caught my neighbor the poet at work. From 
 that hour his occupation was gone ; and though people 
 laughed at and jeered him, yet they thought him a genius, 
 and told him as much. Then our poet began to write verse, 
 and was frequently called upon to compose epitaphs, which 
 he did very cleverly, embroidering them with drawings of 
 urns, and extinguished torches, and weeping-willows. When
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. lf>9 
 
 the schoolmaster died, however, he waggishly introduced a 
 birch-tree, instead of the customary willow, as being more 
 suggestive of his calling ; and the stone-cutter actually 
 carved it on the marble. Whenever schoolboys visit the 
 old master s grave, they turn away with streaming eyes and 
 a sense of tingling running down their backs. So much 
 for the youch of my neighbor the poet.
 
 170 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 VII. 
 
 PRUDENCE AND TEMPERANCE JONES. 
 
 ;Y neighbors who reside in the corner-house down 
 the street, on the opposite side of the way from 
 my chambers, are two somewhat antiquated maiden 
 ladies, bearing the name of Jones. They have the fortune 
 to be twin sisters, and were baptized, something more than 
 half a century ago, Prudence and Temperance. Of course, 
 being a bachelor, I do not pretend to know much concern 
 ing certain matters ; but it has always appeared to me that 
 the fact of their being twins must have been the result of 
 an accident. I believe that twins ought, in some way to re 
 semble one another ; but except the circumstance that each 
 of them is single, unmarried, I cannot discern any 
 point of resemblance between them. They are as dissimi 
 lar as the equator and the poles. 
 
 Prudence is tall and thin ; has unruly light-red hair, that 
 never will lie smoothly, and small gray eyes, that never 
 stand still. She is supplied with an abundance of freckles, 
 and a scarcity of teeth. " Her tongue, probably, is forked, 
 and her chief food, doubtless, is pickles and bitter-almonds. 
 
 Temperance is short and fleshy. She has dark-brown 
 hair, and large, black eyes. She is poorly provided in th 
 item of freckles, but owns a large mole on her left cheek. 
 She still retains her full complement of teeth, and has the 
 knack of cracking walnuts with them equal to a squirrel. 
 Her tongue, probably, is rounded at the end, and her food 
 consists of strawberry tarts and wild honey. 
 
 Both are devoted church-women, though Prudence is 
 a zealous Puseyite, and Temperance an easy-going follower
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 171 
 
 of the low-church party. The former preaches up the 
 Thirty-nine Articles, and the latter endeavors to live up to 
 the Ten Commandments. The first talks about the Apos 
 tolic succession, and the last seeks to walk in the Apostles 
 footsteps. The one spends a great part of her leisure 
 hours embroidering crosses, crosiers, and candlesticks, with 
 silk floss on strips of ribbon for book-marks, as presents to 
 favorite clergymen (and it is a little singular that her 
 favorites are all unmarried) ; the other passes an equal 
 portion of time in making calico dresses for colored chil 
 dren, and in knitting worsted socks for white babies. Pru 
 dence denounces as Dissenters all those who turn their 
 eyes from the glittering cross which surmounts the church ; 
 while Temperance amicably fraternizes with all other sects, 
 and even joins her Methodist sisters at love-feasts. When 
 the parson who, I am privileged to say, adopts neither 
 high nor low church principles, but pursues the even tenor 
 of a Christian s way makes a parochial call on the twins, 
 he comes out of their dwelling a wonderfully ill-used man. 
 I think he is shy of their society, and would willingly limit 
 his visits to their hospitable dwelling to one a year. But 
 fate and feminine stratagem, combined, are too powerful for 
 my friend the parson to resist, and in consequence he finds 
 himself much oftener their guest than he would be if left to 
 his own device. They take him prisoner whenever they 
 can find him unengaged. They waylay him at the corners 
 of the streets. They carry him off from weddings and 
 funerals. They get up " tea-squalls " in compliment to him, 
 and celebrate his birthday by presenting him with velvet 
 slippers and gilt-edged editions of the common prayer-book. 
 Yet, for all this, each declares in the most solemn manner, 
 with her hand placed tremblingly over her heart, that the 
 felicities and infelicities of married life are not for her, but 
 that she simply desires to be let alone. And I have every 
 reason to believe that their wishes in this particular will be 
 granted.
 
 172 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 Jack sometimes calls on my maiden friends, notwith 
 standing they receive and treat him with much coolness. 
 The account which Mrs. P. has given to them of Jack s 
 habits has not prepossessed them at all in his favor. In 
 deed they have learned by their own observation that he is 
 inclined to be irregular and wild, proceedings which they 
 think exceedingly unbecoming and disreputable in a mar 
 ried and family man. Last New- Year s day, after Jack 
 had freely partaken of the liquors that are dispensed at the 
 Beautiful Gates," he called on the gemini, as he is accus 
 tomed to term them, accompanied by three of his boon 
 companions, who, equally with himself, were in high spirits. 
 Their behavior, to say the least, was indecorous. They 
 wore their hats during the entire call, and pleaded, as their 
 reason for so doing, that they were of Quaker descent, and 
 desired to keep in remembrance on that day, by this act, 
 the custom of their forefathers. 
 
 After the revellers had gone, the ladies very properly, 
 I think ordered the servant to take the four chairs which 
 had been occupied by Jack and his friends, into the back 
 yard, and fumigate them with brimstone ; " and then," said 
 Miss Prudence, " when you return them to the house, cam- 
 phire them well with camphor." 
 
 Of course, my feminine friends ideas of cleanliness are 
 extreme. A flake of dust is never seen in their dwelling. 
 
 O 
 
 The motes which dance in the flickering sunshine in other 
 homes, dare not show themselves in the home of the spin 
 sters. Nothing that can make dust or noise is tolerated by 
 them. The little maid-of-all-work, named Bettina, of Ger 
 man descent, whom they took from the Orphan Asylum, to 
 bring up, puts off her leather shoes, in which she does her 
 street ^errands, at the kitchen s outer door, and puts on list 
 clippers, in which to go about the house. No cat, nor dog, 
 nor parrot, nor canary, ever disturbs the repose of the 
 household. Only now and then, when a mouse is heard 
 nibbling behind the wainscot, a neighbor s cat is borrowed
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 173 
 
 for a few hours, until the mouse is either killed or fright 
 ened away. Strangers, however, who visit the house, hear 
 with startling distinctness, breaking the otherwise deep 
 silence, the loud ticking of the Dutch cuckoo clock in the 
 hall. Day and night, for years, its voice has not ceased ; 
 but the spinsters heed it not, nor appear to hear it, although, 
 according to my neighbor the poet, it ever utters and 
 repeats these two words of warning and advice : " Single, 
 mingle ! mingle, single ! " and which he has employed as a 
 refrain in a song composed by himself, entitled " The Spin 
 sters Clock." 
 
 My two maiden friends come of a good stock. Their 
 lamented father, who died some twenty years since, was a 
 gentleman of the old school, and wrote M. D. after his 
 name. He was extremely popular with the ladies, and 
 they, perhaps more than the men, missed him when he took 
 his departure. The poet wrote some verses about him, 
 which I here subjoin : 
 
 THE DOCTOR. 
 
 He was a portly man to view, 
 
 Rotund in form and short in stature ; 
 His stomach measured three feet through, 
 
 And cast his feet quite into shadow. 
 His dress was of the olden mode, 
 
 Black stockings, buckles, and knee-breeches ; 
 His seals of gold and watch-keys showed 
 
 A tendency to worldly riches. 
 
 His voice was low; and soft in tone ; 
 
 His chin was shaved close as a whistle ; 
 His head was bald, and eke it shone 
 
 As shines a polished piece of gristle 
 He rode about from place to place, 
 
 Within a gig most softly padded, 
 And, like a cabbage-rose, his face 
 
 Shone o er the dash-board of his carriage. 
 
 His office fronted on the green, 
 Two doors beyond the village tavern
 
 174 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 The blacksmith s shanty rose between, 
 A something twixt a house and cavern. 
 
 The doctor loved a social glass, 
 
 Therefore lie found the tavern handy, 
 
 And by the forge he ne er could pass, 
 Unless he asked the smith to brandy. 
 
 The doctor had his failing, well ! 
 
 We all do err in some direction ; 
 For since the hour that Adam fell 
 
 Humanity has lost perfection. 
 And if he liked to drain the bowl 
 
 More than was good for health or reason, 
 He had excuses dear old soul ! 
 
 He worked so hard through every season 
 
 So many daily calls he had, 
 
 So much to do, so far to travel ; 
 The roads were often shocking bad, 
 
 And deep with mud, or loose with gravel. 
 And then ah ! yes those calls at night 
 
 Were trying to his constitution. 
 Poor women ! they unnerved him quite, 
 
 Unless he took a strong solution. 
 
 The doctor had a comely wife ; 
 
 Full forty years with him she d tarried ; 
 And two sweet girls had made his life 
 
 A very Eden since he married. 
 Their youthful days, alas ! were gone, 
 
 But still they graced the doctor s dwelling, 
 Two modest maidens, all forlorn, 
 
 Whose charms long since were past the selling. 
 
 And yet they smiled and curled their hair, 
 
 And talked of ribbons, beaux, and laces ; 
 They practised many a girlish air, 
 
 And studied many childish graces. 
 They shunned their mirror, though, and gave 
 
 To Heaven the time once spent before it; 
 The doctor said their souls t would save, 
 
 If Providence did not ignore it. 
 
 The doctor s wife was somewhat proud, 
 Proud of her good man s wit and knowledge,
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 175 
 
 And proud that all the village bowed 
 
 To him because he d been to college. 
 And he was proud of her in turn, 
 
 Proud of her beauty, though t was faded, 
 Proud because she could still discern 
 
 The finest print with eyes unaided. 
 
 And when together, free from care, 
 
 To church they walked on Sunday mornings, 
 They were, in sooth, a courtly pair, 
 
 And picturesque in their adornings. 
 His ruffles and three-cornered hat, 
 
 Her turban with its plume of yellow, 
 Made them appear as if they d sat 
 
 For an old painting, rich and mellow. 
 
 An honest man he lived and died ; 
 
 And though he joked, he loved the Bible ; 
 The golden rule was e er his guide, 
 
 Nor was he sued for debt or libel. 
 The poor man ever found him true ; 
 
 The rich man never hollow-hearted ; 
 And all the ladies thought he knew 
 
 More knowledge than the schools imparted. 
 
 And so he lived, and so he died, 
 
 A model man except his drinking ; 
 And many a bride and mother cried, 
 
 When told that he was " slowly sinking." 
 His wife outlived him just a year, 
 
 But still his daughters linger after, 
 And o er his grave shed many a tear, 
 
 And oft recall his jocund laughter. 
 
 Portraits of the good doctor and his wife, in their " pict 
 uresque adornings," hang on the walls of my neighbors 
 the spinsters dwelling ; and on each recurring anniversary 
 of the originals marriage, many of the olden settlers in the 
 village call to look at them. At such time the twins, 
 arrayed in their most costly gowns, delight to speak of the 
 excellences of their parents.
 
 176 
 
 MY NEIGHBORS 
 
 VIII. 
 
 MR. AND MRS. POTTS HAVE A LITTLE DISCUSSION. 
 
 ), sir," I heard my neighbor, Mrs. Potts, through 
 the thin partition which separated our chambers, 
 exclaim, early one morning to her liege lord ; " I 
 have set my face dead against that thing, and neither you 
 nor any other man can make me yield a single inch." 
 
 " But, my dear " 
 
 " No, sir, you need n t use any buts," interrupted Mrs. P. ; 
 " and as for calling me your dear, why it will not do one 
 bit of good." 
 
 "Well, listen then to reason," said Jack, "and I ll 
 prove " 
 
 " No, sir, I won t listen to reason, and you can t prove 
 anything that will convince " 
 
 " Well, have your own way, Mrs. Potts, and be as stub 
 born as usual." 
 
 " Stubborn ! " screamed Mrs. P. " I should just like to 
 know which is the more so, you or I. I know well enough 
 how I ve yielded and yielded to you ever since Phoebe 
 Jane was born, and that is seven years ago come Christ 
 mas day, and such sicknesses as she has lived through, 
 too, are enough to make you weep ; but you are a hard 
 hearted man, and I only wish that you had, as the poor 
 child has had, the scarlet fever, and the whooping-cough, 
 and the mumps, and the measles, which your long-legged 
 friend in the next room gave to her." 
 
 " And the seven years " 
 
 " Oh, you need n t," interrupted Mrs. Potts, " say any-
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 177 
 
 thing about that What if my dear, unfortunate brother 
 did give it to her, is that any reason, I want to know, why 
 you should throw it into my face ? But you take delight, 
 John Potts, in casting slurs on my family, and I should 
 really like to know if it is n t quite as good as your family ? 
 Did n t your uncle have the small-pox ? and was n t your 
 grandfather " 
 
 " Hung, Mrs. Potts," shouted Jack ; " yes, hung because 
 he was true to his country, and hated kings and tyranny." 
 
 ; He was a rebel and a spy, sir, and was rightly served. 
 Oh, I am thankful that none of my blood was ever hung." 
 
 u Many who die in their beds, Mrs. Potts, are more dis 
 honored in their death than was my brave grandfather." 
 
 " Oh, I know what you mean by your vile insinuation, 
 Mr. P. ; but it is false, sir ; my aunt never poisoned her 
 self; and she was as virtuous as as you are yourself, 
 Mr. Potts." 
 
 "Very likely," answered Jack; "and now, Mrs. Potts, 
 once for all, will or will you not go with me to New York ? " 
 
 " No ! " 
 
 " Then, Mrs. P., I 11 go without you." 
 
 " Go if you dare." 
 
 " I dare," said the heroic Jack ; and straightway he 
 leaped from his bed, and, crossing the chamber to the door, 
 he unlocked and opened it so quickly that, at first, I really 
 thought he was intending to start immediately in grand 
 deshabille, but he only called for hot water, and then pro 
 ceeded deliberately to dress himself. 
 
 After a short pause, Jack continued, " While I am absent, 
 my love, you may address your letters for me to Delmon- 
 ico s, where I shall probably have a room, though my meals 
 will be taken elsewhere." 
 
 " None but gypsies and Arabs, Mr. Potts, adopt such 
 method. Christian people always eat where they sleep ; 
 and I thank Heaven that I am a Christian woman and not 
 a Hottentot" 
 
 12
 
 178 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 "Certainly, my dear certainly; but for my part, I 
 study my convenience in the matter, and shall breakfast, 
 and dine, and tea, wherever I may see fit." 
 
 " Mr. Potts, you are a Hottentot." 
 
 " Humph ! " ejaculated Jack. 
 
 Then another pause ensued. At last Mrs. P. asked, 
 
 " Had n t 1 better keep a journal, and send you a daily 
 report of my movements, Mr. Potts ? " 
 
 " Oh, no, my clear, that will not be necessary, for I shall 
 speak to our neighbor in the next room to keep an eye on 
 you, and report to me if anything extraordinary occurs." 
 
 " A pretty thing that would be for you to do, Mr. Potts, 
 set a spy to watch your wife ; but your family, I remem 
 ber, is famous for its spies ; you cruel man, you." And 
 Mrs. P. wept. Jack was silent. 
 
 At length he broke the silence by asking Mrs. Potts to 
 tell him where he could find his valise. Mrs. P. actually 
 refused to tell. 
 
 " Then," exclaimed Jack, " I 11 take the large trunk. Do 
 you know, my love," he went on, " that a traveller with a 
 large trunk is treated with greater respect than is the chap 
 who travels with only a carpet-bag ? " 
 
 Mrs. Potts said that she did not, but considered it prob 
 able. 
 
 " Well, now, my dear," said Jack, " if you will but con 
 sent to go with me, I shall have no difficulty in filling the 
 trunk, for your dresses, you know, take up much room. 
 Come, say that you 11 go." 
 
 " No, John Potts ; I ve told you over and over that I 
 will not, and you know very well that I cannot." 
 
 " Why ? " asked John. 
 
 " Why ! because, in the first place," answered Mrs. P., 
 " I have n t a thing to wear. In the next place, I could n t 
 get ready under two weeks ; then how can I in two hours ? 
 In the next place, who, I should just like to know, would 
 take care of the children, and Phcebe Jane with such a
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 179 
 
 dreadful cold in her head as she has ? Their grand 
 mother ! Mr. Potts, you are, without exception, the most 
 inconsiderate man I ever knew, as if my dear mother 
 had n t had trouble enough with raising one set of children, 
 without my pestering her with mine. Take them with me, 
 then ! Mr. Potts, you are a fool ! why, I could n t get 
 them ready under two years ; besides, when I go a-visiting I 
 don t want to be bothered with children. I am tugged and 
 hugged to death with them enough at home, without carry 
 ing them off to New York, for them to hug and tug me to 
 death there ; no, I just won t do it. In the next place, as 
 I was saying, I don t want to go myself; and in the last 
 place, I won t go. But what under the sun, Mr. Potts, do 
 you mean by putting into the trunk the wash-bowl and 
 pitcher ? and, I declare, if you have n t got my double-ex 
 pansion skirt in it, and Mr. Potts you sha n t put in the 
 pillow, now, that s so." And I immediately heard Mr. and 
 Mrs. P. tussling over the pillows. After a short and si 
 lent struggle, Mrs. Potts exclaimed, " You mean, cruel 
 wretch ! but you have n t got this one." Then, after 
 thrusting the other pillow into the trunk, I heard the 
 " mean, cruel wretch " lock it, exclaiming, as he did, " Now, 
 thank fortune ! it is full." And then he whistled, most 
 provokingly, " Home, sweet home, " with variations, and 
 proceeded to blacken his boots. Mrs. P. bore it patiently 
 for some time, but at last exclaimed, " I should think that 
 you would be ashamed of yourself to whistle in such a 
 violent manner when you know what an awful headache I 
 have. But you don t care for me, Mr. Potts, now ; though 
 there was a time when I thought you did." 
 
 Jack ceased whistling. 
 
 " You know, my dear," he said, " that I do care for you." 
 
 " No, I don t, Mr. Potts." 
 
 " But I say that I do, Mrs. Potts." And Jack enforced 
 his assertion by kissing her. 
 
 Mrs. Potts sighed audibly.
 
 180 MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 " Do you think, my dear," he continued, " that I have 
 forgotten the days of our courtship ; when I used to go, 
 night after night, over the worst road in the whole county, 
 three miles and more, to your mother s, to see you ? And 
 did n t I love you then ; and don t I love you now with my 
 whole heart ? To be sure I do. And where is the 
 woman," continued Jack, stopping his work and gesticulat 
 ing with his empty boot, " from whom I would bear as much 
 as I do from you, and for whom I would do so much to 
 serve and please ? " 
 
 Mrs. Potts suggested Miss Prudence Jones. 
 
 " No, Mrs. Potts, you know better. Do I ever buy silk 
 dresses for Prudence Jones when I go to New York, as I 
 
 O 
 
 always do for you ? Answer me that, if you please ! " 
 Mrs. P., decidedly mollified, replied, " Well, no ! " 
 " And that reminds me," said Jack, " to ask you what 
 kind of silk I shall bring you when I return ? " 
 
 " I think that a brown moire antique" answered Mrs. P., 
 in a cheerful tone, " would be the most becoming for me, 
 my dear ; and remember to get enough for a double skirt, 
 and also a piece of ribbon for the trimming, a wide, 
 heavy ribbon, of the same color as the dress, and you 
 may as well have it plaited, so that I shall have less trouble 
 with it when the dressmaker comes to put it on." 
 
 Jack promised to attend to it as directed, and then, with 
 Mrs. P., who in the mean time had dressed, proceeded 
 down-stairs to breakfast. 
 
 Shortly afterward a carriage called for Jack and his 
 trunk ; when he, after kissing his wife, and running up-stairs 
 to the nursery to bid Phoebe Jane, and little Jacky, and 
 the others, good-bye, entered it. and was driven rapidly to 
 the railway station. As Mrs. Potts closed the front door, 
 after his departure, I heard her say to herself, as she as 
 cended the stairs, " Well, after all. Jack is a dear, good 
 fellow ; and if he will only bring rne that brown moire an 
 tique, why, I sha n t care that he has gone without me.
 
 MY NEIGHBORS. 181 
 
 Betty," she continued, calling to the servant, " take the 
 children down-stairs, and give them their breakfast. See 
 that Phoebe Jane has on her flannel skirt, and that little 
 Jacky has n t got his pantaloons on hind-side before ; and, 
 Bei ty," " Yes, marm," exclaimed Betty, " As I am not 
 very well this morning, I think that you had better bring 
 up to me, from the cellar, a bottle of Scotch ale ; and, 
 Betty, tell the butcher when he calls to bring some nice 
 lamb-chops for dinner ; and well, that is all at present, 
 Betty." 
 
 " Yes, marm," replied Betty, and descended the stairs 
 with the children. Mrs. Potts went into her room, and I, 
 taking my hat, went out to the " Beautiful Gates " to 
 breakfast. 
 
 As I sat over my buttered toast and coffee, I said to my 
 self, " It was a fortunate day for you, William Finch, when 
 Katrina Vander Heyden, nee Higginbotham, said No 
 in answer to a certain question you put to her many and 
 many a year ago. You Ve seen fortunate days since then, 
 William-boy, but that day, believe me, was the most fortu 
 nate of all. You have escaped a good deal of misery, I am 
 inclined to think, by not marrying. You are free to go 
 and come when you choose. You have no Mrs. Finch to find 
 fault with nor scold you. You have no Phoebe Jane to be 
 afflicted with colds in the head. You have no little Jacky 
 for whom to buy candies. You have no Billys nor Bettys 
 to keep in trousers and flannel petticoats. You have, in 
 short, no one but yourself to look after, and you are in fact 
 a lucky dog, and you ought to be a happy fellow; but, 
 William Finch, I regret to say, that you are neither the 
 one nor the other. You would give all your boasted in 
 dependence of speech, all your freedom of action, all your 
 bachelor days of ease and nights of gayety for one month 
 of even such a life as Jack Potts leads ; for then you 
 would have, if not a wife, though I would not assert that 
 Mrs. Potts does not love Jack, at least children who
 
 ieCi MY NEIGHBORS. 
 
 would love you and cling to you, and for whom your heart 
 would beat and your hands labor day and night. It was a 
 dark day for you, William Finch, when Katrina turned 
 away from you her face and answered No ; and you are 
 well aware of it, and grieve that it is so. For you no 
 household-hearth blazes, no woman calls you husband, and 
 no children clamber upon your knees and lisp the name 
 father to you. Alas ! " I said to myself, " William Finch, 
 this is even so." 
 
 Just at that moment the waiter brought to me the morn 
 ing paper. Mechanically I opened it and turned to the 
 list of marriages, half hoping to find my own among them ; 
 but, alas ! it was not there. So finishing my coffee, which 
 had grown cold, I departed. I walked past Hanky Van- 
 der Ileyden s house, and though I did not see Katrina s 
 face at the window, I yet heard her voice rebuking not 
 scolding, for that she never does him for some sin of 
 omission, and I could not but feel thankful that it was 
 Hanky, and not I, who was receiving the reproof. When 
 I reached home, by the aid of my pipe, I soon smoked 
 myself into my usual state of contentment, and resolved 
 to be satisfied with my place in life, neither envying the 
 infelicities of Jack Potts, nor the felicities of Hanky Van- 
 der Heyden ; resolved, too, not to spend my days like the 
 poet, O. Philander Coe, in making love, which might ter 
 minate either in a felicity or an infelicity ; but rather dwell 
 contentedly, like my maiden neighbors, who desire neither 
 the one nor the other ; and henceforth, leaving my neigh 
 bors to manage their own affairs, look out solely for the 
 prosperity and comfort of William Finch, Esquire.
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 I. 
 
 COUSIN* KATE. HER MATRIMONIAL VIEWS. HER AGE. 
 
 SOME ONE S DISAPPOINTMENT. MY EMPLOYMENT. 
 
 THE COMMUNITY. MISSIONARY FRIENDS. HISTORI 
 CAL SOCIETY. ANTIQUARIAN ASSOCIATION. KATE S 
 
 PLAINNESS. HER POSITION. 
 
 DWELL down in the valley. Not, however, en 
 tirely alone. My cousin Kate keeps house for me, 
 and I have a son a lad of twelve years who 
 passes his school-vacations with me. It is my misfortune 
 to be a widower. Ten years have elapsed since I laid my 
 young wife to rest, and came hither to dwell in the valley. 
 
 Cousin Kate accompanied me. She was younger then 
 than she is now, and my new neighbors spoke some curious 
 and uncharitable things concerning us. Kate, brave girl ! 
 heeded not their sayings, but strove to make cheerful my 
 wifeless home, and to tenderly care for my motherless boy. 
 And well has she succeeded. If any one should ask me 
 who, in all the world, I love the best, I would, if I thought 
 fit to answer the question, say cousin Kate ; and I believe, 
 if Kate were asked the like question, that her reply would 
 be cousin Paul. I am cousin Paul. Nor would it appear 
 at all strange to me that she should thus say. I am aware 
 that she has refused many excellent offers of marriage 
 within the last few years, because, as she one day in a con 
 fidential moment told me, she could not think of deserting 
 me and my twelve-years oldling.
 
 ]4 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 Not that Kate and I are, as all the gossips are ready to 
 declare, the least bit in love with each other ; or have, in 
 deed, the slightest thoughts of marrying. No, we are too 
 well satisfied with our present mode of life to desire any 
 change. We each have our own peculiar views in regard 
 to matrimonial bliss. We know something about its felici 
 ties and infelicities. Kate, particularly, looks on it in no 
 very favorable light. I often reproach her for want of feel 
 ing, and accuse her of coldness ; at the same time I seek 
 to portray the many excellences and beauties which sur 
 round the marriage state. But no sooner do I close my re 
 marks, than she shakes her head and laughs, and advises 
 me to take up Cupid s bow and arrows, and go about the 
 country, as Love s champion, exhorting boarding-school 
 misses and girls who study the ladies magazines. For her 
 part, she is too old, she says, to listen to the nonsense lovers 
 talk ; and I, she should think, were too wise to utter it. To 
 tell the truth, Kate is older than I, by some three, four, five, 
 or even more years. I cannot tell the exact number, but 
 enough, at all events, to give her the right so she thinks 
 to advise me now and then, and which advice she hopes 
 I will try to profit by. Though Kate is approaching the 
 sear and yellow leaf, still does she retain most wonderfully 
 her youthful ways and spirits ; yet is she dignified withal, 
 and moves, in the performance of her household duties. 
 with a matronly grace. But, as I said before, she is older 
 than I in regard to years, and, I often think, even in regard 
 to wit and worth. 
 
 I am not certain that cousin Kate ever has loved. Often 
 have I been on the point of asking her the question ; but 
 somehow the words refused to come forth, and I could only 
 beat with my fingers, on the arm of my easy-chair, an ac 
 companiment to something my heart was beating. The 
 truth is, I dared not ask her. I remembered of hearing a 
 story told, when quite a lad, of a disappointment, I think 
 it was called ; and that somebody somehow married, some-
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 15 . 
 
 where, some one else, or something of that kind, though 
 the exact merits of the story I never properly understood 
 Whether or not Kate had anything to do with it I cannot 
 positively say ; but, at all events, Kate never was, and is 
 not, and says she will never be, married ; and so it is that 
 she and I old maid and widower dwell together very 
 pleasantly in my cottage down in the valley. 
 
 Cousin Kate and I are not, however, without friends, 
 who occasionally pass an hour or more with us. Very good 
 sort of persons, too, they are, not entirely given up to the 
 fashions and frivolities of the age, but possessing much 
 good sense and kindness of heart. They more particu 
 larly Kate s friends love to drop in on us of summer af 
 ternoons. the old ladies with their knitting, the younger 
 ones with sewing or embroidery, to talk to Kate, with 
 wonderful zest and volubility, of all matters and things 
 under the sun. Sometimes when they are discoursing on 
 metaphysics, and get a trifle beyond their depth, they will 
 appeal to me to set them right ; but oftenest my assistance 
 is not invoked, and I, in my cosy apartment, sit listening to 
 them at times occupied with my cigar, or engaged In 
 translating an ode from Horace for the " Quarterly Review," 
 or doing a love-poem for the " Atlantic," or some other 
 equally light and profitable employment. They have great 
 ideas have these olden ladies of my wisdom and as 
 tuteness. I have been told that they consider me, in some 
 respects, superior especially as regards the solidity of my 
 learning to even the great and famous, the Rev. Dr. 
 Bunsby, who, years ago, was the Professor of Astrology in 
 one of our oldest colleges. The rusty suit of black which, 
 usually, I wear, adds not a little, I think, to the impression 
 they have of my erudition. Not that I am at all untidy or 
 neglectful of my personal appearance, for cousin Kate 
 would not, for a single hour, tolerate in me any such piece 
 of foolishness, but that, somehow or other, there is an air 
 of great learning surrounding and emanating from that
 
 186 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 rusty and antique suit of mine. The younger ladies, how 
 ever, do not regard me with the veneration with which the 
 
 O 
 
 minds of their elders are filled. The feeling they enter 
 tain for me is one of admiration. I write verses in their 
 albums, and indite songs for them to sing. 
 
 The community generally look on me as a somewhat 
 privileged individual. They pay me unwonted honors. 
 They expect me on " Fourth of Julys " to be the orator of 
 the day. They regard my opinions concerning the Union, 
 the American Eagle, and the Star-Spangled Banner, as 
 sound and constitutional. I stand almost as high in their 
 esteem as does a militia captain, or, possibly, a major of 
 dragoons. The whole matter is founded in my literary at 
 tainments. They take me to be a scholar one fully posted 
 in all things relating to common schools, academies, and 
 colleges. 
 
 Owing to my literary proclivities, I have various works 
 in strange languages books in Hebrew, Chinese, and 
 Hindu dialects sent to me by zealous friends, principally 
 missionaries, who trust that I will take " great delight," as 
 they express it, in reading them. Several members of the 
 Historical Society have, at different times, forwarded me 
 curious and interesting manuscripts, pertaining to the Rev 
 olutionary War, for perusal. The old Red Sandstone An 
 tiquarian Association, a short time since, dispatched to me 
 by a trustworthy member, for inspection, three corroded 
 copper nails, and at the same time politely invited me to 
 " get up " a paper in relation to them, to read before the 
 members at their next annual meeting in January. From 
 our worthy representative in Congress I receive many gov 
 ernment documents, that reach me through the post-office, 
 and, occupying as they do much space in the United States 
 mail-bags, prove a fruitful theme for discussion among the 
 frequenters of the office, and undoubtedly are great levers 
 in elevating me into notice, and giving me the reputation 
 for wisdom and knowledge which I possess. To confess
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 187 
 
 the truth, however, I have but very little of the sageness 
 which my contemporaries are pleased to attribute to me. 
 Cousin Kate knows thrice as much as I, and yet few give 
 her credit for more than being able to speak her own 
 mother-tongue correctly. The reason is, she is a woman, 
 and neither sets herself up for a blue-stocking, nor yet 
 " goes in " for woman s rights. Simply a true, noble-hearted, 
 noble-minded woman is cousin Kate. 
 
 Cousin Kate could not possibly, even through any mis 
 understanding of the word, be termed beautiful. Kate her 
 self would be the first to laugh at any one so venturesome 
 as thus to call her. What she may have been in her palmy 
 days it matters not either to her or to me. It is with the 
 present alone I have to do, not with the past. To be sure, 
 there are rumors faint and idle rumors which some 
 times reach my ears, of a peerless beauty who, for some few 
 summers, was the reigning queen at the watering-places, 
 and, during the winters, the acknowledged belle of the city 
 where she dwelt. Whether Kate was ever this " Queen 
 of Beauty," I will leave for others to tell ; but if she were, 
 then disease more than age has scarred and seamed the face 
 once fair and smooth. To-day Kate is plain plain beyond 
 any sort of doubt. The plainness of her features, too, is 
 of that description which, when beheld for the first time, 
 calls forth our pity, but afterwards, grown familiar to us, 
 we are apt to wonder how it was that feelings of such a 
 nature could possibly have possessed our hearts, and we 
 are only surprised that something akin to veneration had 
 not arisen in its stead. Every one down in the valley loves 
 and respects cousin Kate. 
 
 Few of the gentler sex who live in the valley play a 
 more conspicuous part in the humble life therein than 
 Kate. She is first directress of the Sewing Society ; head 
 manageress of the " Orphan s Home," a capital institu 
 tion, possessing a charter derived from the State, and hav 
 ing a constitution and by-laws got up expressly for it by
 
 188 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 myself. She is the instigator of and the prime mover in 
 the winter s fairs and the summer s strawberry festivals. 
 No picnic would be pleasant unless she had a hand in it, 
 and no tableau perfect without her assistance. Kate, too, 
 is the acknowledged leader of fashion among the ladies of 
 the village; and to her are referred all questions pertain 
 ing to la mode. Whenever she goes to the city, she re 
 turns with her trunks filled with paper patterns of all the 
 late styles of attire relating to a lady s wardrobe, from the 
 head-dress down to the gaiters. Notwithstanding Kate is 
 the oracle whose directions the milliner and dressmaker 
 follow implicitly, yet she does not herself dress in the 
 height of fashion. There is a middle course which Kate, 
 wisely, I think, adopts. To sum up, cousin Kate is a 
 woman of excellent judgment, of exquisite taste, and great 
 kindness of heart ; in short, 
 
 A creature, not too bright or good 
 
 For human nature s daily food ; 
 
 For transient sorrows, simple wiles, 
 
 Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears, and smiles."
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 189 
 
 I 
 
 n. 
 
 GREGORY GRUMM. HIS PERSONAL APPEARANCE. HIS 
 
 AFFAIRS AND MINE. IN THE SAME BOAT. "ALLEN- 
 DALE." "THE HEMLOCKS." GREGORY S WHIM. 
 
 HIS ACTS OF KINDNESS. FRED S LETTER. WHY HE 
 
 HAS A VACATION. MONEY. 
 
 HAVE an ancient bachelor friend, Gregory 
 Grumm, who terms himself the last of the old 
 guard, and who apparently is a cynical dog, always 
 finding fault with his neighbors, and grumbling at the stu 
 pidity of the world at large. His faith in the felicities of 
 matrimony is extremely slight, and he never lets an occasion 
 pass of railing against that sacred institution. Gregory s 
 personal appearance is by no means prepossessing. He is 
 a large, fat man, and bald on the top of his head. This 
 sign, however, with which Time has marked him for his 
 own, is, when out-of-doors, effectually hidden from prying 
 eyes by the white fur hat which, both summer and winter, 
 distinguishes Gregory from his neighbors. My old friend 
 carries an eye-glass, and sports an ivory-headed cane. His 
 eyes are large and black ; his nose is a Roman one, of 
 kingly dimensions. His teeth are his own, and as white 
 and sound as they were thirty years ago. A complete suit 
 of nankin clothes Gregory from head to foot, and fits him 
 as close as his gloves, which are of a similar shade, only 
 one size too small for his hands, and, in consequence, he 
 is continually bursting out in unusual and unnecessary 
 places, much to his annoyance and displeasure. The truth 
 is, Gregory has outgrown his clothes, and, having no wife 
 to direct him to the tailor s, has gone on, summer after sum-
 
 100 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 6 
 
 nier, wearing his well-preserved nankins till his increasing 
 size has stretched them to their extremest capacity. I 
 am afraid that, some day, my friend will meet with a terri 
 ble calamity, and perhaps be brought home wrapped in a 
 borrowed duster, or some good young lady s hooped skirts. 
 
 Viewed from a distance, Gregory resembles, somewhat, 
 a huge, pineapple-shaped cheese, and rolls, when he walks, 
 like a Dutch galliot in a storm at sea. Notwithstanding 
 that the greater preponderance of his bulk is enveloped in 
 that portion of nankin which he sports below his waist 
 bands, still, with his red neck-tie, whose ends stream in 
 the wind, and his gray moustache, which forms a pent-roof 
 over his capacious mouth, Gregory Grumm is rather a 
 picturesque individual ; while his annual income of ten 
 thousand dollars enables him to be as eccentric as he likes. 
 Gregory never interferes with any one s business except 
 his own and mine. With the former he is continually 
 making the most incomprehensible changes. No matter 
 how well his affairs may be progressing, he is sure, just at 
 the wrong moment, to give some false direction to, or 
 effect an alteration in, his best-concocted plans ; thereby 
 causing the direst confusion. Then it immediately be 
 comes his greatest pleasure to remedy the evil. 
 
 As for my own affairs, according to Gregory s views, 
 there is nothing I do properly, unless with his knowledge 
 and approval. To humor my old friend, therefore, I con 
 sult with him, whenever we meet, in regard to my little 
 speculations and affairs, and then, as every independent 
 citizen should, pursue that course which in my judgment 
 seemeth the wisest. 
 
 Years ago, when Gregory was a young man, he and I 
 sailed together in the same canoe. It was hard work at 
 first, for the tide was dead against us ; but we possessed 
 strong arms and willing hearts, and made our voyages 
 seem short, cheering each other with gay songs and merry 
 stories. To speak somewhat plainer, Gregory and I were
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 191 
 
 clerks together in a shipping-house, and we worked, stand 
 ing side by side, at a big desk, pen in hand, from early to 
 late, day after day and year after year, till at length, 
 through the death and retirement of the heads of the firm, 
 we succeeded to the business. And so, resting on our 
 oars, but still holding the tiller, we floated together onward 
 with the tide. When therefore, one day, I said to Greg 
 ory that I thought of leaving him, and going down into 
 the valley, he sneered at me, and called me a fool ; but, 
 nevertheless, declared that he would go with me. So we 
 left the boat, floating with the current, in other hands, and, 
 taking our wallets with us, Gregory declared there was 
 not half enough in them, and that both of us would be 
 inmates of a poor-house before a year had passed, 
 stepped on shore, and passed down into the valley ; where, 
 finding the place " Allen-Dale " without an occupant, I 
 bought it, though Gregory grumbled thereat, because of 
 its name, which he called stupid, not to say romantic, and 
 advised me to change it to " Saint Matthew s Place," or 
 the " Garden of Eden," or anything, in short, that meant 
 something. But I firmly refused to comply, and so the 
 spot is " Allen-Dale " to this day. As for Gregory, he 
 purchased, near by, an acre of ground, on which he built 
 for himself a house, in which, with his black servant Pom- 
 pey, who studies his master s whims, and gets for him 
 his daily meals, he lives. The children down in the 
 valley, call the house " The Lion s Den," and its growling 
 proprietor " The Roaring Lion." He, however, terms the 
 place " The Hemlocks," though there are no hemlocks 
 within a mile of it. He says the name is as good as any, 
 and that he likes it, and, moreover, he will have it this and 
 nothing else. Therefore it is that my friend Gregory 
 Grumm inhabits "The Hemlocks." He is very particular, 
 too, that his correspondents should address their communi 
 cations for him to that particular locality ; nor will he take 
 a letter from the post-office unless it be so superscribed.
 
 192 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 I knew once of his leaving a letter lying there a week 
 because it was lacking in this matter ; but the whim 
 proved an expensive one, as he lost, by the delay in not 
 receiving the same, nearly a thousand dollars. To prevent 
 any such accident from occurring in the future, and yet, at 
 the same time, have his whim gratified, he made a private 
 arrangement with the postmaster, whereby all letters ad 
 dressed to him, not having this important word upon them, 
 should receive it from the pen of the P. M. himself imi 
 tating, as near as possible, the handwriting of the other 
 portion of the letter s superscription before being placed 
 in his appropriate box. By this nice management all 
 difficulty is obviated, and though Gregory does not always 
 receive his letters quite so soon as he otherwise would, 
 yet is his temper no longer ruffled, his wishes are satisfied, 
 and the postmaster thereby receives considerable addition 
 to his small emolument. 
 
 Though to the world Gregory Grumm shows a rough 
 outside, yet his heart is a tender one. He will abuse 
 a beggar unmercifully, and drive him with opprobrious 
 epithets from his door, but, ere he is out of hearing, will 
 call him back and give him a dollar. He owns several 
 tenement houses, from the inmates of which he exacts, to 
 the uttermost mill, the amount of each quarter s rent; 
 often, however, himself secretly supplying them with the 
 means to meet it. He shakes his cane at the boys in the 
 valley, as he passes through the street, and frowns severely 
 at the little girls ; but he gives the former three-cent 
 pieces and fire-crackers at Christmas and Fourth of July, 
 and sends to the latter dolls and torpedoes on the same 
 anniversaries. That Gregory, though belonging to no 
 church or sect, is, in the true acceptation of the term, a 
 Christian, not one of the clergymen of the various denom 
 inations having place down in the valley will deny. If 
 their larders, contain fatter turkeys or larger sirloins of 
 beef than is usual, or their cellars more mealy potatoes,
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 193 
 
 or rosier-cheeked apples than is common, or their out 
 houses cleaner tons of coal, or higher piles of fire-wood, 
 than is often seen, it is because Gregory Grumm has had 
 the ordering and paying for all these things. And yet he 
 does not often go to hear them preach,-but remains, Sun 
 day after Sunday, at home, reading some printed sermons, 
 of which many have a place on the shelves of his library. 
 
 There is one being in the world, and only one, to whom 
 Gregory Grumm never addresses a cross or bitter word. 
 Cousin Kate herself does not always escape his sarcastic 
 remarks ; but my son Fred is his pet and admiration. 
 Fred can do anything with Uncle Gregory, as he was 
 taught to call him, and his love of mischief often leads 
 him to commit acts which no one, loving him less than 
 does Gregory, could or would overlook and forgive. Fred, 
 the scamp, knows this, and takes advantage of it to play a 
 hundred tricks on Uncle Gregory, for his own and others 
 gratification, which not only makes me ashamed of, but 
 likewise angry at him. When, however, I would rebuke 
 and punish him for so doing, Gregory will stop me, say 
 ing, " Fy, fy ! the lad is young, Paul, and thoughtless ; 
 besides, the sly monkey knows that I am as much amused 
 at his jokes as he is himself." So the boy goes unpun 
 ished, and becomes more daring every day. But he is 
 absent from home now, at boarding-school, and I trust 
 that, when he returns, he will be changed for the better, 
 and, giving up his boyish pranks, will prove himself a 
 model youth. I may look for him home soon according 
 to his last letter, which I subjoin to pass the vacation, 
 and shall then know whether or not he has improved in 
 his behavior. 
 
 " Prospect Hill Academy, July the Wth. 
 
 " DEAR FATHER, Hurrah ! ain t you glad ? we re 
 
 going to have a vacation. The re*ason we are to have a 
 
 vacation in the middle of the term is, that Mr. Penfield, 
 
 the writing-master, is going away to be married, and Mr 
 
 13
 
 194 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 Lightman has got a crick in his back, which he caught 
 while lying on the grass, one night, looking for the comet 
 through his spy-glass. So the head teacher, Mr. Ferule, 
 said, as it was such warm weather now, and the boys went 
 to sleep so much *of afternoons in the school-room, and 
 did n t study none, that he guessed he d give us a week s 
 vacation, and he hoped we d recruit up in that time, and 
 come back not so lazy, and study hard. The biggest boy 
 in school, John Growsy by name, said he guessed that old 
 Ferule wanted to go to the wedding himself; and that s 
 what I guess. What do you guess, and Uncle Gregory ? 
 
 " Oh ! I most forgot to say I want some money to come 
 home with, for what you sent me last month is all gone. I 
 spent it for fire-crackers, and sea-serpents, and spinning- 
 wheels, and them kind of things, on Fourth of July ; and, 
 crickey, what fun we did have ! Little Billy Testy singed 
 his eyebrows and front hair all off with some powder ; and 
 Georgy Groat he sat right down on a whole bunch of 
 crackers, and burnt himself there dreadful. John Growsy 
 put molasses and vinegar on it, and it helped him right 
 away. I only burnt my nose a little, holding a lighted 
 cracker between my teeth when it went off. Please don t 
 forget to send the money. Send plenty of it, and then I 11 
 come home on Wednesday, sure. Tell Cousin Kate to 
 have some mince-pies and strawberries for me, and for 
 Uncle Gregory to buy me a knife and some fish-lines and 
 hooks. Your affectionate son, 
 
 FRED. 
 
 " P. S. Send the money in one-dollar bills, just as 
 quick as you can."
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 195 
 
 ni. 
 
 THE PONT; HIS COST. FRED S HEALTH. SUMMERSETS. 
 
 KATE SINGS ; HER VOICE. GREGORY S GALLANTRY. 
 
 KATE AN HEIRESS. OUR ASTONISHMENT. GREGORY S 
 
 ANGER. FRED S NAUGHTINESS; HIS PARDON. AN 
 OTHER LETTER FROM FRED. 
 
 | RED has come home. The day he was expected, 
 my old friend Gregory drove me to the railroad 
 station to meet him. We rode in an old-fashioned 
 gig, behind a Shetland pony no larger than a Newfound 
 land dog, which Gregory had that day purchased expressly 
 for Fred. Our appearance attracted considerable notice ; 
 for the pony was light, and Gregory somewhat heavy, 
 weighing perhaps a trifle less than two hundred, and 
 whenever he leaned back in his seat, the pony was forth 
 with lifted off his feet, so that many times it appeared 
 doubtful whether pony would come down to the earth or 
 go up in the air. I felt that we were running a great risk, 
 and mentioned as much to Gregory, suggesting, at the 
 same time, the propriety of my getting out to walk, which, 
 as the thermometer marked only ninety-nine in the shade, 
 would have been a very comfortable undertaking. Gregory 
 laughed at me, however, and promised that he would see 
 the balance of power kept in the pony s favor. 
 
 It may be that our turn-out attracted more attention 
 than it otherwise would, owing to the contrast it exhibited 
 between the horse Gregory usually drove a black-coated 
 animal, standing sixteen hands high in his shoes and the 
 present incumbent. One little fellow whom we met 
 stopped us. and advised Gregory to exchange places with
 
 196 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 the pony ; which, though the plan was feasible enough, was 
 neither relished nor followed by my worthy friend. 
 
 As we jogged slowly on, Gregory informed me that he 
 bought the Shetland for a mere song, somewhere about 
 the cost of a bottle of brandy and a crust of bread, of 
 one Jasper Millikens, a large dealer in horses, dogs, and 
 whiskey. Of course Millikens frequented the " Hammer 
 and Tongs, "-the name of the principal tavern down in 
 the valley, and was seldom, if ever, sober. The pony 
 was warranted to be sound and gentle ; a good goer, sure 
 footed, and easy to keep ; free from faults, and six years 
 old come next spring. Whether Patty this is the name 
 Gregory gave the pony, though why it should have a femi 
 nine appellation I know not is all that was warranted, 
 time will doubtless declare. 
 
 Gregory said that he thought riding the pony would not 
 only benefit Fred s bodily health, but also improve his men 
 tal faculties. I told Gregory that the boy was well and 
 hearty, nor needed exercise ; but this only had the effect 
 of violently exciting my friend, causing him to pull up his 
 shirt-collar about his ears, to blow a terrific blast on his 
 nose, which last performance frightened the pony into a 
 smart trot, and to give his gray moustache such a twist as 
 to nearly pull off his head ; and at the same time to ex 
 claim that the affair was none of mine, and that if he chose 
 to buy a camel or a crocodile for Fred to ride, he should 
 do so : besides, there was nothing so well calculated to pre 
 serve health as riding horseback. " Boys, as you know, 
 Paul," he continued, in a somewhat calmer tone, " are at 
 any moment liable to be attacked with measles or scarlet 
 fever, or fits, or something of the kind ; and it becomes us, 
 as faithful guardians of their health, to ward off, by all 
 means in our power, the approach of insidious disease. If 
 proper care be taken of Fred during his days of boyhood, 
 I should not be surprised, Paul, if he were one day to be 
 come as healthy and fleshy and good-looking as I am my-
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 197 
 
 self." And Gregory stroked his double chin with great 
 satisfaction. We reached the station as the cars rattled up, 
 and were there just in time to behold Fred, in his haste to 
 reach home, leap from them, while yet under headway, and 
 in consequence turn two complete summersets after his feet 
 first touched the earth. But this was nothing in comparison 
 with the summersets he got off when he arrived at Allen- 
 Dale. It really seemed to me that the boy was crazed with 
 delight. He shook Gregory fifty times, at least, by the 
 hand ; he kissed cousin Kate tilt her cheeks were red as 
 roses ; he climbed upon my knees, and whispered boyish 
 words of love into my ears, and then suddenly darting 
 away, would be off to look at his bedroom, or the library, 
 or the parlors, to see what alterations, if any^ had been 
 made in them during his absence. Then he would rush to 
 the stables to take care of the pony, filling his feed-box 
 with oats, and speaking to him as though he thought that 
 he could understand every word uttered. 
 
 In short, he was wild with joy, and could scarcely stop at 
 the tea-table long enough to eat the raspberries and cream, 
 and custards and sponge-cake, which cousin Kate had, with 
 thoughtful care, prepared for him. Shortly after tea, Fred 
 insisted that Kate should sit down at her seldom-used piano, 
 to sing him one or two of the half-forgotten songs with 
 which she had lulled him to sleep in the days of his baby 
 hood. When Kate was young, her voice was noted for its 
 volume and sweetness ; and now, though somewhat broken 
 and lacking the fulness and roundness of tone it once pos 
 sessed, yet in its faltering notes a pathos and tenderness 
 dwell which its olden glory never knew. After Kate had 
 sung several cradle-songs for Fred, and played some mar 
 tial airs for Gregory, her voice and touch strengthened, the 
 notes dropped more liquidly from her lips, and her fingers 
 traversed more freely the keys ; confidence in her own 
 powers, half lost before, returned ; and with more than her 
 youthful spirit did she continue to sing and play. Turning
 
 198 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 suddenly from a gay melody which she was rattling off, she 
 struck the low notes of a prelude which she herself had 
 scored, and with deep feeling, which brought a crowd of 
 olden memories to my heart and suffused my eyes with 
 tears, she sung, or rather chanted, a song, the words of 
 which I had written years ago, entitled 
 
 SHIPS AT SEA. 
 
 I have ships that went to sea 
 
 More than fifty years ago ; 
 None have yet come home to me, 
 
 But are sailing to and fro. 
 I have seen them in my sleep, 
 Plunging through the shoreless deep, 
 With tattered sails and battered hulls, 
 While around them screamed the gulls, 
 Flying low, flying low. 
 
 I have wondered why they stayed 
 
 From me, sailing round the world ; 
 
 And I ve said, " I m half afraid 
 
 That their sails will ne er be furled." 
 
 Great the treasures that they hold, 
 
 Silks, and plumes, and bars of gold; 
 
 While the spices which they bear 
 
 Fill with fragrance all the air, 
 
 As they sail, as they sail. 
 
 Ah f each sailor in the port 
 
 Knows that I have ships at sea, 
 Of the waves and winds the sport, 
 
 And the sailors pity me. 
 Oft they come and with me walk, 
 Cheering me with hopeful talk, 
 Till I put my fears aside, 
 And, contented, watch the tide 
 
 Rise and fall, rise and fall. 
 
 I have waited on the piers, 
 
 Gazing for them down the bay, 
 Days and nights for many years, 
 
 Till I turned heart-sick away.
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 199 
 
 But the pilots, when they land, 
 Stop and take me by the hand, 
 Saying, " You will live to see 
 Your proud vessels come from sea, 
 One and all, one and all." 
 
 So I never quite despair, 
 
 Nor let hope or courage fail ; 
 And some day, when skies are fair, 
 
 Up the bay my ships will sail. 
 I shall buy then all I need, 
 Prints to look at, books to read, 
 Horses, wines, and works of art, 
 Everything except a heart. 
 
 That is lost, that is lost. 
 
 Once when I was pure and young, 
 
 Kicher, too, than I am now, 
 Ere a cloud was o er me flung, 
 
 Or a wrinkle creased my brow, 
 There was one whose heart was mine ; 
 But she a something now divine, 
 And though come my ships from sea, 
 They can bring no heart to me 
 Evermore, evermore. 
 
 As Kate ceased, I raised my eyes and looked at Gregory. 
 He had entered the music-room, from the piazza, where 
 he was promenading when she commenced the song, and 
 now stood beside her, actually turning the leaves of music 
 from which she was playing. I never had seen Gregory 
 display so much gallantry. I have of late thought, how 
 ever, that he brushes his coat with more than extra care, 
 and gives a more graceful twirl to his moustache, whenever 
 he calls on me at an hour wherein he is sure to encounter 
 Kate, than at other times. He has certainly " spruced up " 
 wonderfully since a year ago, when I for the first time in 
 formed him that Kate was in a small way an heiress, and 
 owned stock in the Turnpike Company, and also was pos 
 sessed of shares in the Aqueduct. Therefore it was that.
 
 200 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 this gallantry of Gregory made an impression on me, while 
 the gravity of his demeanor and the courtly grace of his 
 attitude had never, I am certain, been excelled by any one, 
 save him, since the days of Sir Roger de Coverley. I was 
 on the point of complimenting Gregory, when possibly 
 aware that he had stepped out of his usual character, and 
 by being polite had laid himself open to attack from me, 
 and fearing it he turned his back abruptly on us, and 
 displayed to our astonished sight a red silk handkerchief, 
 pinned from his shoulders, on which was chalked in large 
 letters, " Hurrah for Uncle Greg." Of course we laughed ; 
 we could not avoid it ; when, facing quickly around, Greg 
 ory demanded, in a fierce tone of voice, to be informed of 
 what, in the name of ten thousand hexameters, we were 
 laughing at ; that he did not come to Allen-Dale to be 
 made a sport of; that he had done no more in turning over 
 some sheets of namby-pamby music than the most con 
 summate puppy and coxcomb would have been permitted 
 to do, and that, also, without afterwards being laughed at 
 for his pains ; and turning on his heel as he spoke, he had 
 the extreme pleasure, he said, of wishing us good-evening. 
 So, in spite of my entreaties for him to remain, and my 
 offers to explain the matter, to which he turned a deaf ear, 
 he seized his hat and cane, and, with the red handkerchief 
 streaming behind him, departed. I watched him till he 
 disappeared with flying colors around the corner ; then be 
 thinking me of Fred, whose work, I knew very well, the 
 whole thing was, I told him to follow after Uncle Greg 
 ory and bring him back. But Fred was lying on the floor 
 and either was, or pretended to be, asleep. He appeared 
 to be troubled, too, with a nightmare ; for sounds of a suf 
 focating nature seemed to come from his throat. At last, 
 however, Fred started, and in a half-hour returned with 
 Gregory, who looked gloomily savage, and growled and 
 snarled through the entire evening at every one save Fred, 
 who ventured to speak to him. So, after a few futile efforts
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 20] 
 
 on my part at conversation with the occupant of " The Hem 
 locks," I sat down with Kate to a game of chess, which oc 
 cupied us till Gregory, who was listening to Fred telling 
 of his school and schoolmates, departed. When my old 
 friend had left, I called Fred to my side and reproved 
 him for the want of respect, and the naughtiness he had 
 shown to his kind uncle, who dearly loved him, and was 
 only too willing to overlook and forgive his many faults. 
 But for my part, I said, I should punish such acts ; and was 
 proceeding to say more, and do something to that effect, 
 when Fred drew from his pocket a slip of paper on which 
 these words were written in pencil, 
 
 " Don t punish the boy, Paul, for my sake. 
 
 G. G." 
 
 After reading this pardon, as it may be termed, I quietly 
 dismissed Fred to bed, but resolved to have a talk with 
 Gregory concerning the matter. 
 
 Fred has written a letter to his friend George Groat. 
 He brought it to me for correction, but I told him it re 
 quired none, and I trust, the public -will agree with me. 
 
 " Down in the Valley, Allen-Dale Lodge, July 25th. 
 "DEAR FRIEND GEORGET, I have been home now 
 three days, and suppose you d like to hear from me by this 
 time. I have a pony, my uncle Gregory gave him to 
 me, his color is white, and he has a long tail and silky 
 mane, which I ride every day. I don t mean the mane, but 
 the pony ; though sometimes, when he goes fast, I hold on 
 so tight around his neck that our Nancy that s aunt 
 Kate s little black girl says I use his mane for a cushion, 
 but she don t know much about riding. The pony is what 
 uncle Gregory calls a racker ; and I tell you, when he s 
 coming home from a long ride, just before feeding-time, he 
 almost racks me to pieces ; and I guess I burn and smart
 
 202 DOWN JN THE VALLEY. 
 
 about as much as you did when you sat right down on that 
 bunch of fire-crackers, fourth of July. 
 
 " I seen little Billy Testy once since I came home, and 
 his uncle did n t give him a live pony, only a rocking-horse, 
 which he keeps up in his mother s garret. He was so mad 
 when I showed him my pony that he cussed dreadful, and 
 said he d go right straight home and cut off his horse s 
 tail, and I guess he did, he was so mad. 
 
 " Now you must answer this letter right away, and tell 
 me what you got. 
 
 " Your dutiful friend, 
 
 FEED."
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 203 
 
 IV. 
 
 "THE GOLDEN-RULE SOCIET-Y;" THEIR DOINGS. SOUP 
 
 AND SOAP TICKETS. THE ESQUIMAUX. INSULT TO 
 
 GREGORY. LILLY WHITE. A LITERARY TEA-FIGHT. 
 NANCY. MRS. AXSEY. FRED S ANNOYANCES ; SKETCH 
 OF HIS LIFE. ARTISTICAL CRITICISM. 
 
 COUSIN KATE is " First Directress " of a sewing 
 society, instituted some years since, down in the 
 valley. The society is known under several dis 
 tinct appellations. The members themselves speak of it as 
 the " Golden-Rule Society." Gregory Grumm calls it the 
 " Gossipery," while I term it the " Quackery." A good 
 many bright plans, of which the world has heard and ulti 
 mately seen carried out, have originated in said society. 
 Numberless secrets of great importance were in possession 
 of its members long before the newspaper reporters got 
 hold of them. The submarine telegraph was first sug 
 gested and talked about in this society. Crinoline and 
 hoops were in use among the sisterhood several months be 
 fore the Empress of all the French took to wearing them. 
 The comet which it was predicted would destroy the world 
 in June, was foretold by the knowing ones of the " Golden 
 Rule " full two years previous, though they were divided 
 in their opinions as to whether it would strike the earth 
 this year or next. Both sides agreed, however, in saying 
 that, sooner or later, our planet would be used up in this 
 particular way. 
 
 As to affairs of a trifling nature and purely of a private 
 character, which actually are of no account to any one save 
 the actors themselves, that sometimes have occurred even
 
 204 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 in the best-regulated families, down in the valley, and over 
 which it were to be hoped that charity would have covered 
 its cloak, they have canvassed and investigated in secret 
 sittings, with a zeal and perseverance worthy of a better 
 cause. Still the society has accomplished some good things. 
 During a late severe winter, soup-tickets were " all the go," 
 and many mouths, which otherwise would have gone sup- 
 perless to bed, were daily fed by the society. The follow 
 ing summer, soap-tickets that were exchanged every 
 Saturday for a tin cup filled with soft soap were given 
 out to every man, woman, and child dirty enough to require 
 them. At present the society is engaged in doing some 
 thing for the amelioration of the Esquimaux, providing 
 them with silver forks and napkin-rings. 
 
 My friend Gregory says that the Esquimaux business 
 will not result in any good, for that the race can never be 
 taught the decencies of life, let alone its refinements. The 
 distribution of soap-tickets, he thinks, was the best thing 
 the gossipers ever engaged in, and if they had not insulted 
 him he would have given them five hundred dollars to have 
 kept the affair going ; " but, three thousand comets fly 
 away with them ! " he said one day to me, " they had the 
 impudence to send me a dozen of their vile tickets, accom 
 panied with the hope that I would make a good use of them, 
 and thereby encourage the society. I returned them with 
 my compliments, and told them to distribute the same 
 among themselves. I thought until lately," he continued, 
 " that it was to Miss Kate I was indebted for this mark of 
 attention ; but 1 now believe that Lilly White, from New 
 York, who is visiting the Barkers, was at the bottom of 
 the affair, because she looks at me so impertinently when 
 ever we meet, through her miniature eye-glass, as if, for all 
 the world, she was hunting for grease-spots or tobacco- 
 stains on me. Fifty-five thousand katydids trample her to 
 death ! " and Gregory Grumm polished away at the bald 
 spot on his head, with his red handkerchief, till it looked 
 like an orange.
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 205 
 
 The " Quackery " went out to tea a few afternoons since. 
 The " tea-fight," as Gregory terms it, came off at Allen- 
 Dale, under the especial patronage of cousin Kate, who, 
 taking advantage of my absence from home on a fishing 
 excursion, invited the members to meet her over a sociable 
 cup of young hyson. According to Kate s account of the 
 same, it was a delightful affair, and exceedingly agreeable 
 to those engaged in it. Nancy; cousin Kate s little black 
 girl, told Fred that she had a " piping time," and that she 
 " joyed the streme felicity of trying on lots of beautiful 
 hats all covered with red and blue flowers, and lace ; and 
 eight or nine black bonnets, besides old Miss Axsey s 
 calash ; and that green thing," said Nancy, waving her 
 head from side to side, "just suited me the very best of 
 all." 
 
 The library, which heretofore has be en considered rather 
 as tabooed ground to the members of the Golden-Rule 
 Society, became on this occasion the scene of their fes 
 tivity. The tea-table was set within its sacred precincts. 
 This was a strange innovation on cousin Kate s part, and 
 one of which I in no way approve. It doubtless was a 
 source of very great pleasure this taking tea in the 
 library to the assembly, and gave a sort of literary air 
 to the entertainment, which it would not otherwise have 
 possessed. I dare say every woman present considered 
 herself a " blue-stocking " for the time being, and even 
 put on a literary look when she returned home. But the 
 next time I go on a fishing excursion I shall carry with me 
 the key of that apartment. Not a book, of the whole two 
 thousand volumes, could I find, on my return, in its proper 
 place. Several manuscript sheets of an address, to be 
 delivered by me next January before the Antiquarian 
 Association, were missing ; two separate poems, half fin 
 ished, were gone ; and some memoranda of very important 
 matters pertaining to the Historical Society had also dis 
 appeared. A sermon that I had lately written for our
 
 20C DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 rector, to be given him some day when I might desire his 
 company to go with me a-trouting, and he should refuse 
 under the plea of having a discourse to write, was carried 
 off by old Mrs. Axsey, who, however, returned it to me 
 to-day, with the remark that it was amazing like some 
 sermons her dear minister preached, and she should n t 
 wonder a bit if he had written it. I suggested that possibly 
 the style was similar. " Oh, yes," she said, " the style is 
 very precisely similar and likewise the fashion." 
 
 Fred who, by the by, is getting to be a good deal of 
 a dandy, and has lately taken to wearing tight boots 
 possesses a pair of patent-leathers, with red morocco tops, 
 which show plainly beneath the bottom of his pantaloons, 
 and cause Kate s old lady friends, who are somewhat dim- 
 sighted, to ask him if he be troubled with rheumatism that 
 he wears red flannel around his ankles. This, of course, 
 annoys our young gentleman exceedingly, though he re 
 tains his good-humor wonderfully well under the provoca 
 tion. 
 
 To-day, during Mrs. Axsey s call, Fred who, at her 
 especial request, had shown the tops of his boots, which 
 were duly admired by the old lady, who put on her specta 
 cles to obtain a better view of them was asked by her 
 if he " ever expected to be a Frenchifer, and wear miling- 
 tary rappings." 
 
 He replied that he guessed not, but he had an old 
 wrapper up-stairs, which he sometimes wore when sick. 
 
 " She did n t mean none of them things,", she said ; " bu 
 red stripes down the trousers, and feathers and war." 
 
 Thereupon Fred thought that very likely he should, one 
 of these days. 
 
 On hearing which, the old lady wrung her hands and 
 said, " that sogers was dreadful, but battles, and widders, 
 and orfins was dreadfuller." 
 
 Fred s spirit being up by this time, he proceeded to give 
 the old lady a brief sketch of his future life. He was
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 207 
 
 going, he told her, in the course of a few years, to "West 
 Point, to become a soldier ; and that afterwards he should 
 go to battle and get wounded, and have a cork-leg, and a 
 pension, and be called Colonel ; and at last, live in a little 
 cottage, all alone by himself, close on the river s bank, 
 where he would keep a sail-boat, and go a-fishing every 
 day, and catch eels and cat-fish. 
 
 The worthy matron was quite horrified, and said she 
 had always told her " darters " that Fred would make a 
 perfect Juan Blue-Beard, and now she knew it. She was 
 afraid he d be a tremendous fellow. 
 
 I relieved Mrs. Axsey greatly by saying that Fred was 
 a good deal of a braggart, and promised more than he 
 performed. 
 
 She thought that was bad enough, and reckoned she 
 would tell the minister about it, and have him talk serious- 
 like with the boy. 
 
 Before she took her departure, Fred told her that he 
 was an artist now, and painted pictures, and showed her 
 a portrait of Nancy, the black girl, which he had just com 
 pleted. 
 
 She looked at it critically, and then said that it was a 
 first-rate likeness, especially the color, and the curly hair, 
 and the gold beads around her neck; and that one of 
 these days she guessed she d let him take hers. 
 
 Fred promised to do it, and said he would paint her in a 
 blue dress, and with green ribbons on her cap ; which 
 very much delighted the old lady, so that she went away 
 very happy, and promising to call again. 
 
 While I was absent on my fishing excursion, up in the 
 Adirondacks, Gregory Grumm who had refused to ac 
 company me, under the plea that he never cared to leave 
 home, and, besides, he wished to stay and see about his 
 peach-crop took a trip to Newport. It was full twenty 
 years since Gregory had last visited that celebrated water 
 ing-place. Everything about it had changed in the interim.
 
 208 DVWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 The hotels had changed ; the class of visitors had changed ; 
 and it appeared to him even that the ocean itself had 
 changed, and neither rolled its billows as high, nor broke 
 with as loud a crash on the beach as formerly. Gregory 
 thought, too, that possibly he had himself changed, that 
 he was no longer the buck of yore, but had become one 
 of the solid men of the country. He had a good deal to 
 say about the company there assembled. The young 
 ladies he designated as flirts, the young men, dandies, and 
 the old ladies, dowagers. Such dreadful dissipation and 
 frightful flirtations as he witnessed were truly appalling, 
 though, according to his own account, he appears to have 
 kept pace with the liveliest individual there, and smoked, 
 sailed, fished, bathed, bowled, danced, and flirted. At 
 Kate s request he did up in rhyme an account, which I 
 give below, of his sojourn 
 
 AT NEWPORT. 
 
 I visited Newport, I danced at its balls, 
 
 I smoked in its bar-rooms and lounged through its halls ; 
 
 I bathed in the ocean, and drove on the beach 
 
 With Mary and Fanny, and flirted with each. 
 
 I bowled in the alleys until I was lame, 
 
 My hands full of blisters, my heart in a flame ; 
 
 And though I played better than eight out of nine, 
 
 Yet lost I my wager a bottle of wine. 
 
 I went to the ball-room and danced with Miss Gay, 
 
 I polked and I lancered the night-time away ; 
 
 We ate a light supper, by way of a lunch, 
 
 Some lobster, broiled chickens, ice-cream, cake, and punch, 
 
 Then, grown confidential, we slipped out of sight, 
 
 And behind a silk curtain looked out on the night ; 
 
 There we talked about cables and oysters and pearls, 
 
 Till I wondered what cable drew me to the girls. 
 
 I walked the piazzas till late in the night, 
 And quoted the poets to fair Lilly White, 
 From Bryant the noble, and Halleck the grand, 
 From fun-loving Saxe, and Holmes genial and bland ;
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 209 
 
 From Morris and Willis sweet verses I pressed, 
 Then asked of ray charmer which loved she the best. 
 But Lilly, who lives up in Madison Square, 
 Said her favorite poet wrote " Nothing to Wear." 
 
 I sailed in a yacht with the daring Miss Dash ; 
 
 Her governor dying left plenty of cash, 
 
 Which she is investing in bonnets and lace, 
 
 And, twixt us, she needs them to set off her face. 
 
 She drank with the skipper until he got blue, 
 
 Then seized on the tiller, and seaward we flew, 
 
 With the wind on our lee, and studding-sails set ; 
 
 "By Neptune ! " she shouted, " I guess we 11 get wet." 
 
 I hastened from Newport with grief at my heart ; 
 
 I sought there for Nature, but found only Art ; 
 
 Yet the ladies, though artful and dealing in paint, 
 
 At sight of an artist seemed ready to faint. 
 
 But flattered young Slimlegs, who drives a fast mare, 
 
 Has plenty of money and plenty of hair ; 
 
 While the only man there who had brains in his head, 
 
 They as fully ignored him as if he were dead. 
 
 Then I said to myself, while I sat in my room, 
 Smoking, in dressing-gown, slippers, and gloom, 
 " That fashions and follies of life might be found 
 At Newport, or elsewhere, if there they abound." 
 Which struck me as being as good in its way 
 As anything ever Jack Bunsby could say. 
 And by way of a clincher I added, " Through life 
 To Newport I 11 go for a flirt, not a wife." 
 
 14
 
 210 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 V. 
 
 KATE AND I AT BREAKFAST. WHAT SENT GREGORY TO 
 
 NEWPORT. LILLY WHITE; HER FIRST VISIT. THE 
 
 GOLDEN RULE. THE BARKERS. A MYSTERIOUS AD 
 VERTISEMENT. GREGORY GOES TO NEW YORK. 
 
 POMPEY. GREGORY S NOTE. KING SOLOMON. FRED S 
 
 LETTER. 
 
 r ATE," I said, one morning at the breakfast-table, 
 to my cousin, who occupied her usual place oppo 
 site me, " I have been wondering what it was that 
 induced our friend Gregory Grumm to visit Newport. At 
 the time I left him, to go to the Adirondacks, I am positive 
 that he had no intention of visiting Newport. Something 
 and that, too, of great moment must have occurred 
 to make him desert The Hemlocks, and travel off in the 
 way he did. You may depend upon it, Gregory had some 
 object in going to Newport ; he never does anything with 
 out a purpose, but what it was I cannot imagine. Can 
 you? 
 
 Kate said that she thought she could unravel the 
 mystery. " You have heard of Lilly White ? " she con 
 tinued. 
 
 " Yes," I replied ; " I met her some time since at the 
 Barkers , where I called with Gregory, who had business 
 with Barker himself. A pretty girl, magnificent in hoops 
 and flounces, but, it seemed to me, possessing no great 
 amount of intellect. But what has she to do with Greg 
 ory s going to Newport ? " 
 
 " A great deal, I imagine," she answered. " But before 
 I further explain, let me ask if you have noticed the in-
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 211 
 
 creased care your friend has of late taken with his attire ; 
 how much sprucer to use an effective word he is 
 than he was formerly ? " 
 
 " Indeed I have," I answered, " and have drawn there 
 from certain conclusions, which may or may not be correct. 
 You know I spoke to you concerning this improvement, full 
 a year ago, about the time I informed him of the amount 
 of your fortune." 
 
 " Well, never mind about my fortune now, Paul," replied 
 Kate, somewhat disconcerted, I thought, by the remark; 
 " though, as your memory is so good, perhaps you may 
 remember also that a year ago Miss Lilly White paid her 
 first visit to us dwellers down in the valley." 
 
 I nodded affirmatively. 
 
 u You are aware, too, that she was here when you de 
 parted on your fishing excursion ? " 
 
 I nodded again. 
 
 " But you do not know that from here she went to New 
 port; and that on the day following her departure, Mr. 
 Grumm also went to Newport ; and that from there he 
 accompanied her to New York ; and that he has, since his 
 return home, written to and received from her a letter." 
 
 Of course I did not know any of these matters, nor did 
 I believe them ; and I told Kate it was nonsense, and that 
 I knew Gregory well enough to declare he would not be 
 such a fool as to make love to Lilly White. 
 
 " But he is such a fool," said Kate ; and I thought she 
 spoke the same with considerable feeling. 
 
 " How, Kate," I asked, " did you, who seldom indulge i 
 uttering aught so nearly approaching to gossip, discover ah 
 this ? " 
 
 " Why," and Kate blushed, " it was talked about at the 
 sewing society last evening. Miss Smythe, the postmaster s 
 sister, who often assists in making up and distributing the 
 mails, saw the letters alluded to at least their envelopes ; 
 so that you must allow that my information on that point is
 
 212 DOWN LV THE VALLEY. 
 
 correct. Then, too, the Barkers themselves openly refer 
 to the fact of his visiting their house every day during 
 Miss White s stay there. And even now he goes there 
 three times a week, to talk with Jane Barker about Miss 
 Lilly. There, also, are those verses, relating to Newport, 
 in which he introduces the name of Lilly White, which 
 mention, though certainly not flattering to her, was made 
 simply to blind me, as well as others to whom I might 
 show the verses, (probably he thought I would read them 
 aloud before the Golden Rule, ) to the fact that he is 
 smitten with her. Ah ! I can see that he is a planner." 
 
 " Well, really," I remarked, as Kate concluded, it seems 
 to me as if there were something in all this besides foolish 
 gossip. I must have a talk with Gregory about it, and if 
 he is in love with Lilly White, why, I will argue him out 
 of it." 
 
 On looking over the morning paper from New York, that 
 arrived shortly after breakfast, my eyes fell on the follow 
 ing advertisement, which immediately arrested my atten 
 tion : 
 
 " PERSONAL. 
 
 " If the gentleman the initials of whose name are 
 G. G. who corresponded while at Newport, in relation to 
 a young lady, with C. O C., will send to the latter his pres 
 ent address, he will learn all of which he heretofore has 
 been desirous but unable to ascertain." 
 
 That this referred to my friend Gregory, and, probably 
 to Lilly White, I had no doubt, but it served only to excite 
 my curiosity without in the least satisfying it. Can it be 
 possible, I thought, that Gregory has been making inqui 
 ries of some one in New York, regarding Lilly White and 
 her fortune. Such a thing seemed utterly improbable, and 
 yet, under the circumstances, I could not come to any other 
 conclusion. Just before noon I ordered Fred s pony to 
 the door, and drove over to " The Hemlocks, to see my 
 old friend.
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 213 
 
 To my surprise, I found Pompey, Gregory s only servant, 
 alone on the premises. His master, so he informed me, 
 had left for New York in the eleven-o clock train, saying 
 it was uncertain on what day he might return. Pompey 
 believed that " Massa Grumm " had left a note for me on 
 his desk, which he departed to get. While he was gone, I 
 took up a copy of the newspaper in which I had read the 
 advertisement, arid my eyes naturally turned to the column 
 wherein it had appeared. The advertisement, however, had 
 been cut from the sheet, and doubtless was in Gregory s 
 wallet. 
 
 I trusted that the note would so far explain the matter 
 as to relieve me of my suspicions ; but it was most unsatis 
 factory, and ran thus : 
 
 "The Hemlocks, Monday, A. M. 
 
 " DEAR PAUL, Business of importance takes me un 
 expectedly to the city. If I should not return by Saturday 
 afternoon, I will drop you a line ; but you know my aver 
 sion to letter-writing; so that, after all, you need not be 
 alarmed if you do not hear from me under a fortnight 
 Present my kind regards to Fred when you write to him, 
 and believe me, 
 
 "Yours, hastily, G. G." 
 
 In place of Fred s name, Kate s had at first been written, 
 but was erased, and the other substituted. 
 
 I questioned Pompey as to his knowledge of the affair 
 but he could only tell me that his master, while at break 
 fast, reading the paper, had spilt his coffee, upset his chair 
 and, rising suddenly from the table, went up to his chamber, 
 where he had Pompey pack his carpet-bag, and then, after 
 dressing himself in a new suit he brought from the city, 
 made the servant drive him to the cars. " He appeared to 
 be a good deal excited," continued Pompey, " and asked 
 me, as we rode along, what I would do if I had a mistress,
 
 214 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 and if I had ever read what Solomon wrote about the lilies 
 of the valley." And Pompey laughed and winked his eye 
 at me, as much as to say that he knew a good deal of some 
 thing, but was bound to keep dark. 
 
 So I returned to Allen-Dale, as unsatisfied with all that 
 related to Gregory as though I had not stirred from the 
 house. Time will, doubtless, clear up the mystery. 
 
 Fred returned to school after passing two weeks at home, 
 during which time the young scapegrace enjoyed himsel 
 very much, played all manner of tricks on Gregory ; 
 teased cousin Kate till she lost all patience with him ; and 
 frightened Nancy, the little black girl, half to death, by 
 personating, with a mask and sheet, a ghost. Since he 
 reached school, I have received from him the following 
 letter : 
 
 "Prospect Hill School, August 1st, 1857. 
 " DEAR FATHER, I got here just in time to see old 
 Ferule whip Georgy Groat for robbing Squire Justy s 
 muskmelon patch. He did it in the night-time, and got 
 ten of them, besides four pumpkins, which he thought were 
 watermelons. He got up when all the boys was in bed, 
 and took his pillow-case from the pillow, and went down 
 stairs, and out-doors, and climbed the fence, and got em iu 
 it. He put them under his bed, and did n t let the other 
 boys know it ; but Charley Berry he smelt em, and told 
 the rest of the fellows, and they got em and ate em. 
 Georgy Groat cried about it, and so old Ferule found it 
 out. When I saw him whip Georgy, it made me real home 
 sick, for I did n t know but my turn would come next. 
 Can t I come home again soon ? I m afraid my pony will 
 not be taken good care of unless I am there. Mr. Penfield 
 has got his new wife h ere, and John Growsy says she s a 
 regular ginger-top, though what that is I don t know ; but 
 she has curls and a beautiful green-and-red-striped silk 
 dress. Give my love to Uncle Gregory and Cousin Kate,
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 215 
 
 and don t forget to send me a dollar every week, as you 
 promised. 
 
 " Your faithful son, FRED. 
 
 " P. S. Tell Nancy I m going to bring her, when I 
 come home again, autographs of all the boys and teachers 
 in the school. F."
 
 216 DOWN IN THE VALLEY 
 
 VI. 
 
 KATE ON LOVERS. A LETTER. A MILLINER S BILL. 
 
 A NEW HAT. AT CHURCH. THE SERMON; ITS 
 
 APPLICABILITY. TURNING THE TABLES. HAIR-DYE 
 
 AND WIGS. DISCRETION. CHANGING THE SUBJECT. 
 
 " DOWN IN THE VALLEY." 
 
 ,ORE than a week has gone by since Gregory s 
 departure from " The Hemlocks," and as yet I 
 have heard not a word concerning him. 
 
 " It is very strange," I said to Kate, one evening, as we 
 sat together on the piazza, " that Gregory should have gone 
 away in the manner he did, without so much as telling me 
 a word of the matter about which he went." 
 
 " It is very strange," replied Kate ; " but, nevertheless, I 
 have noticed that when men of your friend Gregory s age 
 become lovers, they are apt to commit every sort of extrav 
 agance." 
 
 " Yes," I answered, " if they be bachelors." 
 
 " Widowers are no wiser," said Kate, " and are as prone 
 to conduct themselves like boys of fifteen as though they 
 had never been married." 
 
 This, however, I stoutly denied, and asked Kate if she 
 ad ever seen me behave in such an unseemly manner. 
 
 Kate thought she had, and was proceeding to state the 
 when and where she had thus seen me, when I told her 
 that I would waive the further discussion of the subject ; 
 and then, as the dew was beginning to fall, we entered the 
 house. 
 
 Shortly after Gregory s departure Kate received a letter 
 from New York, the superscription of which so nearly re-
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 217 
 
 sembled Gregory s handwriting, I could have affirmed in a 
 court of justice that he had written it. Even Kate, I know 
 thought it came from Gregory ; for, when I handed it to 
 her, she blushed and broke the seal, I thought, with trem 
 bling fingers : but when a milliner s bill dropped out, while 
 she was opening it, her self-possession returned, and I im 
 mediately turned, disappointed, away, without asking a 
 single question ; for I was well assured that no milliner s 
 account would ever find a place in any of Gregory s epis 
 tles. 
 
 I deemed it a little singular, however, that, from the day 
 this letter reached Kate, she who, ever since Gregory s 
 departure, had appeared to me to be slightly inclined to 
 melancholy should directly have recovered her usual 
 cheerfulness. Whether a new hat, in which she made her 
 appearance at church on the following Sunday, had aught 
 to do with her recovery, I cannot positively assert ; but I 
 shrewdly imagine it had. 
 
 Cousin Kate and I have dwelt together, down in the val 
 ley, for many years, very happily, and this was the first oc 
 currence wherein I had noticed any signs of vanity in her ; 
 but it was very evident to me that Kate was wonderfully 
 pleased with her new hat, and was desirous of displaying 
 it to the best advantage. 
 
 Fortunately for Kate, Sunday was a most auspicious day 
 for her "coming out." Everything was in her favor. The 
 weather was charming, and therefore not only all of the 
 congregation were present, but also many strangers. The 
 morning s sermon, too, seemed particularly adapted to call 
 the attention of the assembly to Kate s hat, although she 
 with that inimitable power which woman possesses of hid 
 ing her feelings appeared totally unaware of its appo- 
 siteness. The worthy clergyman took for his text these 
 words, " Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher ; all is 
 vanity." Among other truths that he spoke, he said that 
 * vanity was innate in the female breast, and though it
 
 218 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 might lie dormant therein for years, still it never fully died 
 out. The germ was forever there ; and when one was the 
 least prepared for its exhibition, it was suddenly shown in 
 some piece of finery perhaps in a gay ribbon, an elegant 
 hat, a feather, a bit of lace, a costly brocade, or the daintiest 
 of gaiters. Again, it might be seen in a rounded arm, a 
 careless curl, a jewelled hand, or a tapering ankle." 
 
 More, to the same effect, said our worthy clergyman ; 
 but Kate sat through it unmoved, bowing her t stately head, 
 surmounted by the new hat, approvingly to all the good 
 man uttered. 
 
 As we walked home, I asked Kate if she were pleased 
 with the sermon. She answered that she was ; and look 
 ing slyly at me, " Poor fellow ! " she exclaimed, " how sorry 
 I felt for you when the rector alluded to hair-dye and wigs, 
 while speaking of man s vanity." 
 
 Kate certainly is a very wonderful woman, but how she 
 discovered that I wear a wig, and dye my whiskers, I can 
 not imagine. I have taken much care to keep these two 
 matters secret, for the reason, simply, that I did not wish 
 to have ascribed to vanity that attention to my appearance 
 which, in fact, only arose from a laudable desire on my 
 part to make a decent appearance in society. Of course 
 I did not continue a conversation which had taken so un 
 fortunate a turn, nor say aught to Ka"te concerning her new 
 hat, which, at first, had been my intention. Discretion, as 
 some one before me, I believe, has wisely remarked, is the 
 better part of valor. Therefore it was that I held my 
 peace, and in silence accompanied my cousin Kate back to 
 Allen- Dale. 
 
 For some time past, Kate has been desirous for me to 
 write what she terms a poetical description of Allen-Dale. 
 Secretly, therefore, and at different seasons, I have endeav 
 ored to comply with her wishes. On this identical Sun 
 day being anxious to please Kate, and perhaps with a 
 view of having her forget, and say nothing more to me
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 219 
 
 concerning the subject of her above remarks; for, to con 
 fess the truth, I am not altogether pleased with the idea 
 that age is laying visible hands upon me I finished, and 
 handed to her during the afternoon, the lines below, en 
 titled 
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 Down in the valley, where the lilies blow, 
 Where violets bloom and china-asters grow ; 
 Where glide clear waters o er a pebbly bed, 
 Marked in their course by sumach-berries red ; 
 Where rabbits burrow, and where foxes hide, 
 And squirrels, chattering, leap on every side ; 
 Where graceful elms and glistening birches rise, 
 There Allen-Dale contents the passers eyes. 
 
 A gabled mansion built of undressed stone, 
 
 Just as t was quarried, of a sober tone, 
 
 Though few of those who pass it every day 
 
 Know that its color is a modest gray ; 
 
 For, wrapped from base to roof in clamb ring vines, 
 
 Ivies and woodbines, and sweet eglantines, 
 
 So little of the lodge itself is seen, 
 
 That slight observers oft pronounce it green. 
 
 Above its roof a dozen chimneys rise, 
 
 From which the smoke curls upwards to the skies ; 
 
 An ancient weathercock, grown black with years, 
 
 Upon its highest gable s point appears ; 
 
 Of cunning workmanship and quaint device, 
 
 An Ethiopian on a cake of ice. 
 
 So Gregory says ; but Cousin Kate declares 
 
 It is a poet singing Lydian airs. 
 
 Whiche er it be, it constant is and true ; 
 Summer and winter, spring and autumn too, 
 Unmoved it stands and points, from May to May, 
 To where " the course of empire takes its way." 
 The wind may bluster, and around it rage ; 
 North, south, and east a vigorous war may wage; 
 But it defies them all and though they change, 
 Its face from western skies does never range.
 
 220 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 Within the house is many a pleasant room, 
 Which holds the sunlight and keeps out the gloom, 
 Where easy-chairs and lounges soft and wide 
 Are placed for lazy folks on every side ; 
 And here and there are cosy little nooks, 
 Where one can linger over work or books, 
 Near windows diamond-paned and stained with care 
 In colors that subdue the noonday s glare. 
 
 A broad, deep fireplace within the hall, 
 With ruddy blaze from early in the fall, 
 All through the winter gives its light and heat, 
 To please the sight and warm the slippered feet. 
 Here in the morning first, and last at night, 
 The household gathers in each other s sight, 
 To hear the Bible read and join the prayer 
 That asketh God to keep them in His care. 
 
 Here too the morning meal is duly spread, 
 And, with our coffee, are the papers read 
 Then to our several duties we depart, 
 Each with a willing mind and cheerful heart; 
 And when the day, with all its work, is done, 
 And sinks beyond the hills the setting sun, 
 Once more we meet, and by the blazing light 
 We talk or read aloud, then say good-night.
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 221 
 
 VII. 
 
 NEWS FROM GREGOEY. KATE IN LOVE. GREGORY S 
 
 DANGER; HIS LETTER. AT THE " ASTOR." CITY-HALL 
 CLOCK. CHATHAM STREET. UP-STAIRS. STRIPED 
 PANTS. LILLY WHITE ; HER FORTUNE. A HAPPY 
 FAMILY. BRIEF CANDLES. MY REMARKS. MY LET 
 TER. 
 
 ! N the morning s mail, a few days since, a letter from 
 Gregory Grurnm came safely to hand. I was very 
 glad to hear from Gregory. He had been absent 
 from home over two weeks, and, so far as I was aware, not 
 a syllable had been received by any one dwelling down in 
 the valley concerning him. I had not thought that my old 
 friend could have left me so long in suspense regarding 
 his movements as he did. He would have been terribly 
 " put out " with me if I had done the like. If I had made 
 arrangements for marrying without first consulting him, he 
 would never have forgiven me ; but he, it seems, could do 
 all this without mentioning the subject to either Kate or 
 myself. Kate, brave woman that she is ! endeavors to 
 look at the matter in a cheerful light, and laughs and jokes 
 about it, though I really think her heart is breaking. For, 
 strange as it may appear, Kate, as I have every reason to 
 believe, loves Gregory. At least, she did love him before 
 this abominable letter was received ; but if he is to be 
 married, why, she will not, nor shall not, love him any 
 more. If Kate says so, I will bring a suit against him, as 
 her next friend, for breach of promise ; or, if it please her 
 better, I 11 even challenge my old friend to fight a duel, or 
 else he must make an apology. Kate shall not be treated 
 in this way with impunity. But to Gregory s letter :
 
 222 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 " New York, Aug. 18, 1857. 
 
 Astor House, Room No. 502. 
 
 "DEAR PAUL, Here am I, perched half-way between 
 heaven and earth, in a cage six by nine, or thereabouts, 
 having a circular loophole, through which, by standing tip 
 toe upon my carpet-bag, I can see the City- Hall clock, and 
 make out the exact time, any hour of the day or night, by 
 the aid of my eye-glass : this, if I carried with me no 
 watch, would of course be a source of great convenience. 
 After one gets up here it is all very well, barring, as the 
 Irishmen say, the mosquitoes ; and that reminds me that 
 the bars of the mosquito-net, which I purchased yesterday in 
 Chatham Street of an Israelite, are so wide apart that the 
 bloody divils play at fox-and-goose through them ; and, so 
 far as regards any protection it affords me from their attacks, 
 why, I might as well cover myself with a fig-leaf. After 
 one gets up here, I said, it s very well ; but the getting up 
 plays the deuce with a man of my superfluity of flesh, it 
 puts me to my trumps, I assure you. I have a white-jacketed 
 rascal to precede me, whenever I make the ascent, with a 
 tray full of sherry-cobblers and other cooling drinks, and I 
 take one or more of them, as my inclination prompts, at 
 every landing. Fifty thousand glasses of soda-water and 
 hock, however, would not suffice to keep down the perspira 
 tion. What makes the ascent more tedious to me, is the 
 fact that, having been obliged, for good reasons, to discard 
 my favorite nankeens, I foolishly purchased, of some one 
 who called himself a very fashionable tailor, no less than 
 five pair of striped pantaloons, and each pair, bad luck to 
 them ! fits me tighter than a drum-head, which makes climb 
 ing up-stairs in them something awful. What in the name 
 of seventeen zebras induced me to buy so many striped 
 pantaloons, I cannot imagine. It must have been after 
 dinner that I did it. I shall give them all to Pompey on 
 my return home. This naturally brings me to the subject
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 223 
 
 of my leaving home ; and you, doubtless, are anxious to 
 know what brought me here. Now that, Paul, is the \ery 
 question I ve asked myself every day since I have been 
 absent, and I am almost inclined to think that I came here 
 on an ignis fatuus expedition. To tell the truth, I am as 
 far from a clear understanding of the case as you are your 
 self. I have written to her about it, but she is either out 
 of town, or else the penny-post is most miserably con 
 ducted. I think the latter is the case, and wish the manager 
 of it had fifty thousand billet-doux stuffed into his panta 
 loons pockets. I came here to answer an advertisement. 
 You know Lilly White ? well, she is at the bottom of the 
 mischief, though how it will end Solomon himself would 
 not be able to tell. It seems frightful, Paul, frightful for a 
 man of my age to be obliged to live in the way I do, having 
 to ascend night after night so many flights of stairs, and to 
 dwell in such a state of anxiety and perplexity, and all on 
 that young flirt s account. Speaking of her account, I find 
 that she has forty thousand dollars invested in confounded 
 Hudson River Railroad stock, and as much more in Erie ; 
 but when I get her matters into my own hands, I 11 make a 
 change, I tell you. Of course, you know by this time, Paul, 
 that I have come to regard matrimony from your point of 
 view, and to believe that it is filled with all manner of 
 pleasant felicities, and that its infelicities are few and far 
 between ; that, in short, I intend to be married ; and that you 
 may interpose no objections to it, I will promise you to desert 
 the Hemlocks sell it, my dear boy, out and out, and, tak 
 ing my bed and baggage, go over to Allen-Dale and live 
 henceforth with you. Five hundred wedding-rings, Paul, 
 what jolly times we will have ! What a happy family we 
 shall be ! I have the vanity to believe that Kate will be far 
 more contented with life when she possesses a companion 
 than she has ever yet been ; while you, my old friend, I 
 know, will be delighted with my society. Twenty-five imps 
 of darkness take the short pieces of candles one gets at
 
 224 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 hotels ! Mine is just nickering in the socket ; so leaving 
 unwritten much that I had intended to write, I must, per 
 force, bid you good-night. 
 
 " Yours, in the dark, 
 
 GREGORY GKUMM." 
 
 " Gregory may have been in the dark," I said to Kate, 
 when I had finished reading this remarkable epistle, u but 
 he has, at least, fully enlightened me as to his proceedings." 
 Kate blushed. " The coolness," I continued, " with which 
 he proposes to remove to Allen-Dale with his Lilly White 
 wife is, I think, the most remarkable feature of the letter." 
 Kate stared at me. " And the reason he gives, too," I 
 went on, " is delicious. He thinks, forsooth, that you need 
 a companion, and that you will be more contented with life 
 if Lilly White, or rather Lilly Grumm, be that companion." 
 Here Kate lost all command of her feelings, and laughed 
 immoderately. " My cousin Kate," I said, soothingly, tak 
 ing her hand ; but before I could say more she withdrew it, 
 and went hastily from the room. " It is very evident to 
 me," I thought, after Kate s exit, " that she is unable to 
 control her feelings. In her present state it would never 
 do for Gregory to bring hither his wife. I will write to 
 him immediately, advising him to remain abroad for 
 a while." Therefore I sat down before my desk, and wrote 
 as follows : 
 
 "Allen-Dale, August 19^, 1857 
 
 " DEAR OLD BOY, I have just received yours of yes 
 terday, and I confess that its contents quite startled me. I 
 had no idea that you thought of marriage, at least not with 
 the person of whom you speak. As regards your removing 
 to Allen-Dale, I cannot say that, at present, I look on it in 
 a favorable light. When time shall have assuaged the 
 feelings which exist in a certain quarter, it may then be 
 considered upon ; but for the present, if you have any regard
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 225 
 
 for me or Kate, I must seriously ask you to remain away. 
 What think you, old fellow, of a bridal trip to Europe ? I 
 understand that these kind of things are, nowadays, all the 
 go with newly married couples. Let me hear from you 
 again before the affair comes to a point, and believe me, 
 ever, through weal or woe, 
 
 " Yours, most sincerely, 
 
 " PAUL." 
 u
 
 226 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 vm. 
 
 MRS. AXSET. GENEALOGICAL. A SIGN. HER PORTRAIT. 
 
 A HINT FOR GREGORY. HER DECEASED " PARDNERS." 
 
 SIMON JONES. MISTER CLOVER. OLD AXSET. 
 
 BALLOON. NUMBER FOUR. GINGERBREAD. A MYS 
 TERIOUS LADY. A BABY. LILLY WHITE. 
 
 [LD Mrs. Axsey lately passed the day with Kate. 
 She came in the morning before breakfast, and re 
 mained till after sunset. She brought with her a 
 large basket of stockings that required darning, and busied 
 herself through the day with repairing them. She declared, 
 while at the breakfast-table, that she had come to Allen- 
 Dale " to experience a season of rejoicing, and," she con 
 tinued, glancing at her well-filled plate, " I believe I am 
 experiencing it." 
 
 Mrs. Axsey is a notable character down in the valley, 
 and a very important personage in the eyes of many of its 
 ladies. She is generally the first one to welcome little 
 strangers to town, and is proud of being able to tell the 
 exact number of pounds which each child, native of the 
 valley, for twenty years past, weighed at a very early period 
 of its existence. Mrs. Axsey is the widow of three hus 
 bands. Gregory Grumm terms her a " three-ply widow 
 dyed in the wool." After the death of her third " pard- 
 ner," being left in destitute circumstances, with a large 
 family of daughters to support, she entered into the man- 
 tua-making business. The better to notify the public of 
 her occupation, she ordered a sign to be painted, and wrote 
 the lettering for the same on a slip of paper, which she 
 sent by one of her " darters " to the painter, with strict in-
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 227 
 
 junctions for him on no account to depart from the copy. 
 The man of signs, who was a bit of a wag, and loved a 
 joke, followed the orthography with exactness, so that the 
 sign, when completed, read, in gilt letters, much to the sur 
 prise and amusement of passers-by, 
 
 MRS. AXSET, 
 
 MANTORMENTOR. 
 
 Some persons Gregory among the number were 
 even wicked enough to say that the sign told the entire 
 truth, as the ghosts of the " dear departed," if interrogated, 
 would testify. Mrs. Axsey s mode of spelling " mantua- 
 maker" was certainly not in accordance with Webster s 
 Unabridged. 
 
 The old lady inquired particularly concerning Fred, and 
 said she was sorry that he had returned to school, as she 
 wanted him to paint her " picter," as he had promised. 
 "Would he come home, she asked, and do it if she sent him 
 word that she was all ready ? She guessed that she d be 
 " taken off" with her hair in curls, and without cap or 
 spectacles. It looked so " antykated " to wear them ; and 
 though she was a lady of the old school, yet she did like, 
 sometimes, to be a little fashionable ; and when a body has 
 a " likeness taken off," she thought it a good time to try 
 and be somebody ; and for one, she d like for her " pos 
 teriors " to see just what she was. Kate suggested that the 
 word posterity was more appropriate than the one she had 
 chosen. Well, she said, it might be, for she was no great 
 hand at grammar herself, but her youngest " darter " was 
 amazing cute at it. Folks laxighed at her mistakes a good 
 deal sometimes, she continued ; but, for her part, she 
 guessed she knew more about some things than one half 
 the people did who had so much " book-larning." 
 
 Mrs. Axsey had much to say about Gregory, and asked 
 many questions concerning him. She d heard tell that he
 
 228 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 was going \o be married to a little white girl down to 
 York, but she rather thought he could do better closer to 
 home, and take a wife nearer his size. 
 
 " Age, you mean," I said. 
 
 Yes, it was age ; but she liked right well to see a man 
 and woman that was married just about the same size. 
 " Though, to be sure," she continued, " in my own case I 
 found it purty hard to bring it about just right, for my first 
 pardner Simon Jones was his name he s Katy s, and 
 Jerusha s, and two or three of the other girls father I 
 disremember now exactly which ones of them, but it s 
 all down straight in the log-book, as he used to call the 
 Bible, for he had been one v y ge to sea, but his legs were 
 in the way so much he never went again ; he, I say, was 
 an oncommon tall man ; while Mister Clover, my Number 
 Two, was just as much again too short ; and you both know 
 what poor Axsey was, so fat and solidary, that it has been a 
 great wonder to me, ever since his death, that the appoplec- 
 ticks did n t carry him off five years sooner than it other 
 wise did." 
 
 " Oh, yes," I replied, " I remember him very well. The 
 frequenters of the Hammer and Tongs prevailed on him 
 to attempt a balloon ascension, in company with the cele 
 brated aeronaut, Mr. Silly, one fourth of July ; but, much to 
 the disappointment of the populace, it was found, when the 
 cords were cut, that, owing to his great weight, the balloon 
 could not ascend : so he was obliged to get out of the car, 
 and Mr. Silly immediately went up alone." 
 
 " That s so," exclaimed the old lady, wiping her eyes 
 and though it was a great disappointment to him, for he 
 was of a disploring exposition, yet for my part I allers felt 
 mighty kind o thankful like that the balloon gin out as it 
 did, for that Silly, when he came to settle down arter an 
 hour or two, went kersplash right into the middle of Big 
 Pond, and if he had n t a been a swimmer, why he d a 
 drowned. Now my old man could n t swim more than a
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 229 
 
 baby, and he d just as certainly, if he d been in that bal 
 loon, met with a watery grave as anything. I ve allers felt 
 gratified with Providence that nary one of my pardners 
 was ever born to be drowned." 
 
 " I trust none of them, Mrs. Axsey, met with a worse 
 fate." 
 
 " No, sir," she replied, " they all died to home, inside 
 their beds, like Christian persons. But that s got nothing 
 to do with Mr. Grumm and his wife. Now if I was that 
 man, I know who I d take for my spouse. I would n t go 
 pottering around York city, but just stop to home and 
 marry about the best woman by long odds that there is in 
 the world; and that, too, without going more n a mile away 
 from the Hemlocks." 
 
 " You doubtless mean yourself, Mrs. Axsey," I remarked. 
 
 " No, I don t mean myself either, though I should n t 
 mind," and the old lady simpered, " taking a Number Four, 
 purvided he had plenty of money, like Mr. Grumm and " 
 
 " Who ? " I asked, observing she paused. 
 
 " You," she quickly replied. 
 
 Thereupon I incontinently left the room, for I really 
 feared that, in the excitement under which she appeared to 
 be laboring, she might actually offer herself to me. 
 
 I heard no more from Mrs. Axsey during the day, though 
 Kate informed me that, when she was not engaged with 
 her basket of stockings, she was occupied in making and 
 baking a large quantity of gingerbread to take home with 
 her; because, as she said, she liked to have some such 
 thing in the house to give the children, who each Saturday 
 came to see her. 
 
 After tea, which she and Kate took together alone in tl e 
 housekeeping-room, she came into the library where I was, 
 and regaled me with a long story concerning a lady, a 
 stranger attired in mourning, who, one June morning, 
 nearly twenty years ago, suddenly made her appearance 
 down in the valley, and rented a little cottage, where in the
 
 230 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 autumn she gave birth to a daughter ; and that as soon as 
 she was able to travel, a carriage, the like of which had 
 never before been seen down in the valley, stopped at the 
 cottage for her, and she, her babe, and an elderly woman, 
 who had acted as the lady s housekeeper, getting into it, 
 were driven away ; and no one down in the valley ever 
 knew where she came from or whither she went. Mrs. 
 Axsey had been the stranger s nurse, and said the babe 
 was the prettiest she had ever seen, and possessed soft blue 
 eyes and golden hair ; and that on the child s right shoul 
 der there appeared, distinctly traced, a cross, about an inch 
 in length, of a purple color ; and that, for her part, she had 
 always thought the lady was a nun from some convent, and 
 perhaps the wife of a bishop, though the lady herself said 
 her name was Whyte, but Mrs. A. had looked through a 
 list, and could not find a single bishop of that name in it, 
 and so she was as much in the dark about her as any one 
 else down in the valley. 
 
 After Mrs. Axsey s departure, I sat musing over this 
 somewhat singular story, and wondering what had become 
 of the " blue-eyed, golden-haired babe," who, if now living, 
 was a woman grown, when I was disturbed by Kate, who 
 asked me what subject was engaging my thoughts. I told 
 her. She thought as much, she said ; " but do you know, 
 Paul," she continued, " the name which that child now 
 bears ? " 
 
 " Is she then living ? " I asked with surprise, " and do 
 you know her ? " 
 
 " She is, and I know her," replied Kate. " She and Lilly 
 White are the same." 
 
 " And Gregory do you think he is aware of this cir 
 cumstance ? " I asked. 
 
 Kate thought he was ; but just then lady callers were 
 announced, and, lost in conjectures, I remained in the 
 library, while Kate went to receive them. Nor has she 
 since given me a single opportunity to renew the subject;
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. i ol 
 
 and, as it is evident to me that she seeks to avoid all refer 
 ence to it, I considerately refrain from recurring to the 
 matter; but I intend writing to Gregory who, by the 
 by, I have not heard from since his precious epistle of the 
 18th regarding it.
 
 232 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 IX. 
 
 AN ILLUSTRATED LETTER. FRED S SUSPENSION. FINAN 
 CIAL AFFAIRS. CAUSE OF "HARD TIMES." EXCUL 
 PATION OF THE LADIES. KNIGHT-ERHANTRY. WED 
 DING-GARMENTS. MRS. AXSEY; HER PRIVATE OPINION; 
 
 HER POEM. "IN MEMORIAM." A TABLET. INSANITY. 
 
 GOSPEL DOCTRINE. THE DECEASED AXSET. BURNT 
 
 PIES. 
 
 HAVE had another letter from Fred. It simply 
 contained a rude pen-and-ink sketch representing 
 the young man with empty pockets turned inside 
 out, and a most lugubrious expression of countenance, 
 beset on one side by an old woman, carrying a basket of 
 apples, thrusting at him a bill on which the characters " 28 
 cents " were discernible ; while on the other side of Fred 
 was an old man, wooden-legged, and supported by a crutch, 
 tendering another bill, with " Candies, 10 cents,^ written 
 on it Under the sketch appeared the words, " Hard times 
 at Prospect Hill Academy," and above it, " A panic." The 
 letter contained nothing further, either in the way of illus 
 tration or explanation, nor, in fact, did it require any. The 
 picture said all that was necessary. Fred, the humorist, 
 found himself in a tight place. He was beset by duns, and 
 not having the wherewith to pay his debts, he had taken 
 this mode of apprising me of his situation. To relieve the 
 young spendthrift from his embarrassment, by supplying 
 his immediate necessities, and at the same time to leave a 
 small margin in his favor, I immediately sent him thirty- 
 nine cents, in three-cent pieces, and wrote him, at the same 
 time, that financial affairs dbwn in the valley were in a very
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 233 
 
 bad condition. Had Gregory been home, the lad would 
 have received an eagle, at least, for his happy performance. 
 But for my part I do not approve of allowing boys much 
 spending - money. They are apt to become extravagant. 
 If, when young, a boy spends his dimes too freely, he will, 
 when he grows older, spend his dollars just as improvi- 
 dently. My attention having been directed to this subject, 
 by Fred s frequent appeals to me for money, has led me to 
 examine somewhat closely into the matter, and thereby I 
 have been induced to prepare a paper which I shall read 
 before the literary society of which I am president, during 
 the coming winter. In it I assume the ground that the 
 present deplorable condition of our country is owing 
 almost entirely to the reckless extravagance of schoolboys ; 
 and I therein prove, by proper and reliable statistics, de 
 rived from the heads of colleges and schools, that the 
 enormous sum of twenty-six millions of dollars is annually 
 expended by boys and girls under twenty years of age, in 
 the purchase of candies, ice-cream, cakes, tarts, etc., in the 
 Northern and Middle States alone. 
 
 This paper, when I come to read it, will doubtless aston 
 ish most of my hearers ; and yet, I shall not make a single 
 assertion in it, which I cannot prove to the entire satisfac 
 tion of those who otherwise would deny the truth of my 
 report. I am determined that our financial troubles shall 
 no longer be ascribed to the extravagance of our ladies. 
 In me they will find an able champion ; and they may con 
 tinue to flounce as deeply, and expand their hoops as widely 
 as they please, without having the cause of the hard times 
 laid at their doors. 
 
 Let the ladies thank God, then, that the days of chivalry 
 have not utterly passed away ; that there are some Don 
 Quixotes yet left in this money-getting-and-losing world of 
 ours, some brave knights, who are ready to step forth in 
 behalf of beauty robed in silks and laces, and not only 
 willing, but able, to turn the tide of popular error, setting
 
 234 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 against them, into its proper channel, leading to the feet 
 of indiscreet and inexperienced youth. 
 
 Old Mrs. Axsey has been passing several days at Allen- 
 Dale, assisting Kate, who, it appears to me, is having an 
 immense quantity of plain sewing done, and also a large 
 amount of finer needlework. A good many unnamable 
 garments, beautifully -frilled and edged, have of late been 
 bleaching on the grass or dancing on the clothes-lines. I 
 begin to think that Kate and Gregory are playing me false, 
 and that Lilly White is simply a myth, or, at best, is only 
 used to blind me. If it should turn out that it is Kate 
 whom Gregory is to marry, and not Lilly, I shall consider 
 myself sold ; and yet, I cannot account for the important 
 part which Lilly White seems to play in the affair. Who 
 is Lilly White ? That is the question. 
 
 I must have asked myself this aloud, for Mrs. Axsey 
 immediately opened the door of the room wherein I was, 
 and replied, saying that she was the rich young lady who 
 visited the Barkers, and that everybody said Mr. Grumm 
 was going to marry her, but that for her part she did n t 
 believe it, because she had seen something in this house 
 that made her think contrarywise. 
 
 " Why, what do you mean, Mrs. Axsey ? " I asked. 
 
 " Oh, never you mind, sir," she replied. " I can keep a 
 secret, and be as mum as anybody, but when you see such 
 kinds of work going on in the way of making things, as I 
 diskiver in this ere house, why, I have my own private 
 opinion about it, and that opinion I don t tell nobody." 
 
 " Indeed, Mrs. Axsey, you may be right." 
 
 " To be sure I am. I hain t forgot yet how I fixed up 
 myself every time when I was getting ready to be mar 
 ried ; and, as I tried it myself three times, I guess I m able 
 to find out all about such things; and speaking of my de 
 parted pardners, makes me remember to tell you that I ve 
 been writing some poetry about them, which I m going to 
 have painted on a panel, and then hang it on the wall of
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 2G5 
 
 the church, just above my seat there, something like 
 Squire Dick s tabby, you know, what tells about his consort 
 Jerushy, that s dead." 
 
 " A tablet, you mean, I presume ? " 
 
 " Yes, that s the thing." 
 
 " A very good idea it will be, Mrs. Axsey, and highly 
 commendable in you." " Besides, pious and humiliating," 
 she added. " And here," she continued, " are the verses, 
 which, after the names of my pardners, I mean to have 
 described on my tabby." 
 
 And Mrs. Axsey handed me the following " pome," which 
 I readj after first adding the words 
 
 IN MEMORIAM. 
 
 To my three pardners who are dead, 
 I hang this tablet o er my head, 
 That so, whenever it I see, 
 I shall remember all the three. 
 
 At meeting in the morning, I 
 Will recall him who first did die, 
 And in the afternoon t will do 
 To think of him, my number two. 
 
 At evening service I will give 
 My thoughts to him who last did live, 
 And then I 11 wipe my weeping eyes, 
 For I 11 meet them in Paradise. 
 
 Now, all you ladies who are wives, 
 Make your pardners sure their lives, 
 And then whene er they come to die, 
 The} 7 11 not leave you as poor as I. 
 
 " Was left, I presume you mean, Mrs. Axsey ? " 
 
 " Yes, certain," she answered, " as poor as I was left 
 Ain t it plain enough ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes, the meaning is clear," I replied ; " but the 
 phraseology is slightly imperfect." 
 
 " Well, law, suz, perhaps it is a little crazy, as you say,
 
 23 fi DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 but then the troubles I Ve gone through with is enough to 
 make me write crazyology-like." 
 
 " To be sure they are, Mrs. Axsey. I should have taken 
 these into consideration before I criticized your produc 
 tion." 
 
 " And now do give me," she added, " your candy reasons 
 about them. Ain t they sweet and solemn-like ; and don t 
 they go just to the right spot in one s feelings ? " 
 
 " Certainly, Mrs. A , and what I particularly admire 
 
 in them is the admirable piece of advice with which you 
 close. If all wives would compel their husbands to insure 
 their lives in their favor, there would be less need than 
 there is of charitable societies for the relief of indigent 
 females." 
 
 "That s real charitable gospel doctrine, sir," said the old 
 lady, looking much pleased at my agreeing with her so 
 cordially ; " and I m an indignant female whenever I hear 
 of a poor, good-for-nothing shoat dying, and leaving no 
 property, nor no insurance on his life for his widder to live 
 respectfully on. It s amazin to me how mankind can do 
 so. Now there was Axsey, just as good a pardner as ever 
 wore shoes out, and though he did talk about it at one time 
 a good deal, and, in fact, I thought rather hankered arter 
 it, yet he jest allowed himself to drop off like a rotten 
 pear at last, without raisin nary finger to leave me a fortin, 
 as he oughter have done ; and there I was, jest as I was 
 when I married him, withouten anything to fall back on, 
 ceptin my darters. So I had to go into the mantormenting 
 business, which all the folks down here in the valley al 
 lowed was a burnin shame ; and good gracious ! there s 
 that oven full of pies I left, 11 all be burnt up." 
 
 And, without further words, Mrs. Axsey hastened from 
 the room to see about the pies, which might, possibly, 
 prove a burning shame to her.
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 237 
 
 X. 
 
 CONFIDENTIAL. GREGORY S NIECE. " LILLY WHITE S 
 
 MOTHER." THE REV. JEBEZ GRUMM; HIS CHARACTER; 
 HIS SON GREGORY ; HIS DAUGHTER PATIENCE; THEIR 
 EDUCATION. TREASURES IN THE GARRET. SUN 
 FLOWERS AND .HOLLYHOCKS. DAVID AND ABSALOM. 
 A BOSTON BLADE. JEPHTHAH S DAUGHTER. 
 
 streams through the darkness. The 
 mystery is unravelled. Kate, in a confidential 
 hour, late one evening, while we were seated 
 before the great fireplace in the hall, watching the pine 
 knots blazing and rolling their black smoke in torrents up 
 the chimney, and after we had duly discussed the con 
 tents of another letter from Gregory, received that after 
 noon, revealed to me that it was herself, and not Lilly 
 White, whom he is about to marry. 
 
 I cannot say that I was surprised to learn this, for in 
 various ways my eyes had seen such culmination ; and, 
 therefore, when Kate made the avowal, I was prepared for 
 it, and neither fainted nor made any exclamations of 
 wonder. I simply congratulated Kate, and said it yielded 
 me pleasure to hear from her own lips that such was the 
 case. " But what," I asked, " has Lilly White to do with 
 it, and why is Gregory spending so much time in New 
 York, solely, as I am led to believe by his letters, on her 
 account ? And then, too," I continued, " did he not state in 
 his letters to me that he intended marrying Miss Lilly, 
 and would bring her with him to Allen-Dale, to be a com 
 panion for you ? " 
 
 " Not at all," replied Kate. " His letters, I must allow,
 
 238 . DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 were not as clearly expressed as they might have been on 
 this subject, and thereby you were led to a false conclu 
 sion ; but that you should do so, was, I am certain, never 
 Gregory s intention. I plead guilty to having seen, from 
 the first, the error into which you had fallen ; and though 
 a word from me might have shown to you how very much 
 you were at fault, yet I could not, perhaps I would not, 
 bring myself to explain the truth of the matter. So you 
 and Gregory, neither understanding the other, wrote letters 
 at cross-purposes, while I " 
 
 " While you," I interrupted, " stood by and enjoyed the 
 joke. But Lilly White what of her ? " 
 
 "*Why, did I not tell you?" asked Kate; "she is 
 Gregory s niece the child of his only and well-beloved 
 sister, of whom you have often heard him speak and grieve 
 over her untimely death, not knowing either that she 
 had left a daughter ; but as the story is not a long one, I 
 will tell it to you." 
 
 So I threw another pine knot upon the glowing embers, 
 poured some hot water, from the kettle singing on the 
 hearth, into my glass, containing sundry proper ingredi 
 ents, and, after stirring it with a spoon and taking a sip of 
 the beverage just brewed, I gave Kate to understand, by 
 quietly nodding my head, that I was ready for her to com 
 mence ; and thereupon Kate immediately began narrating 
 the following story of 
 
 
 LILLY WHITE S MOTHER. 
 
 " In a certain village in New England, distinguished only 
 for having been the birthplace of one of our Presidents, 
 dwelt, some twenty-five years since, the Reverend Jabez 
 Grumm, a Presbyterian divine belonging to the old 
 school, who liked better in his sermons to dwell upon the 
 wrath of God, as displayed in passages taken from the 
 Old Testament, than to speak of His loving kindness as 
 shown in the life and death of our Saviour. Harsh, puri-
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 239 
 
 tanical, and self-righteous, the Reverend Jabez ruled his 
 household with a rod of iron. His wife a feeble, uncom 
 plaining little body dwelt with her husband scarce three 
 years before she succumbed to his harshness, and died, 
 broken in heart and spirit, leaving to his protection two 
 children, the elder a boy, (our friend Gregory,) and the 
 younger a girl, named Patience, the mother of Lilly. The 
 two grew up together, entirely secluded from the society 
 of all save their stern father ; and it was seldom, even, that 
 they exchanged a word with any one outside the walls of 
 their lonesome dwelling. Only when going to and return 
 ing from meeting did they see a kind or cheerful face. 
 During service they were taught to look solely at the min 
 ister, and all idle gazing around was denounced by the 
 strict divine as a most heinous sin, one for which they 
 would be punished not only here on earth, but with fire and 
 brimstone hereafter. Teachers, other than their father, 
 they never had ; consequently that knowledge which he 
 held in the highest esteem namely, Latin, Greek, and 
 Hebrew they were early taught; while the common 
 English studies were wholly neglected. Patience, futher- 
 more, knew some little of cooking, and, whenever per 
 mitted by her father which, however, was but seldom 
 found great pleasure and delight in assisting the cook in 
 the kitchen. Gregory, though, poor fellow! was kept 
 closely at the dead languages till he was almost dead him 
 self. One day, however, somewhere near his fifteenth 
 birthday, he chanced to find, thrust away out of sight 
 under the garret-eaves, a box filled with old and musty 
 books, somewhat different from the volumes of sermons 
 and commentaries that adorned the shelves of his father s 
 library ; among them were several odd volumes of the 
 Spectator, Percy s Ancient Reliques, a copy of Shaks- 
 peare, and, best of all, a well-thumbed edition of Robin 
 son Crusoe. These books, through the long summer after 
 noons, both he and his sister read, sitting with their backs
 
 240 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 against the great chimney, which passed through the 
 centre of the garret. To them it was as if they had dis 
 covered a new world. Hitherto they had lived solely 
 amono: the ancients had dwelt in tents with the chosen 
 
 O 
 
 people of God, and had gone forth to do battle with the 
 Greeks and Romans. Their new books put fresh life into 
 their young but drooping hearts, and taught them that 
 there were other nations on the earth than the ones of 
 which they read, and other beings than those who in 
 habited the dull New-England town where they were pass 
 ing their unmemorable lives. 
 
 " Before Gregory had quite gotten Robinson Crusoe by 
 heart, he resolved to run away from home, and take his 
 chance for obtaining a living somewhere in the wide world, 
 among people who had less knowledge of classical affairs 
 than he. Poor little Patience cried sadly when Gregory 
 announced to her his intention of going away, for she could 
 not bear the idea of remaining alone with her grim papa 
 and the cross black cook. Gregory, too, shed many tears 
 at the thought of parting with his little sister ; but he 
 could no longer bear the dead languages, and the long- 
 winded prayers, and the still longer-winded sermons which 
 he was forever hearing. So he promised little Patience 
 that, in a little while, when he had made as much money 
 as the deacons got on Fast-day, when they handed around 
 in the meeting the contribution-boxes, he would return 
 and get her, and they would live together in some great 
 city, where nobody would make them study, and where 
 they would have thanksgiving dinners every day of their 
 lives. Nor would she have to wait for him very long, 
 either only till fall, he said, when the sunflowers and 
 hollyhocks, down at the bottom of the garden, went to 
 seed, and their dry stalks rattled in the autumn wind. 
 
 " And will you, asked little Patience, buy me a new 
 silk gown and a blue ribbon, and let me make ginger-snaps 
 every Saturday ?
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 241 
 
 " Young Gregory promised he would ; and so, early one 
 morning he kissed her good-bye, while the stars still shone 
 in the sky, and taking his little bundle, containing ;i*i his 
 worldly possessions, including Shakspeare and Robinson 
 Crusoe, he left the gloomy old parsonage and his grim 
 father, and little Patience, and his dead mother lying in 
 the churchyard behind him, and set off, with a bold heart 
 but tearful eyes, upon his travels. 
 
 "Weeks and months and years rolled by, slowly to 
 some, swiftly to others, but never a soul in that stupid 
 ftew-England village heard a word concerning Master 
 Gregory, Parson Grumm s boy, who ran away. Not even 
 little Patience witnessed his return as he had promised, 
 though she watched for him when the sunflowers and 
 hollyhocks went to seed, and their stalks rattled in the 
 wind. The old parson caused great search to be made 
 for the runaway, and even made a journey to Boston, 
 astride of his gray mare, himself, in hopes of finding or 
 hearing something concerning the lost son, but all in vain ; 
 and so the old man, hiding his grief under an appalling 
 grimness of countenance, returned home, to preach a very 
 affecting sermon about David and Absalom, which caused 
 the old women to wipe their eyes, and made even the 
 stern deacons blow their nose louder and oftener than was 
 their wont. 
 
 " Th^ee years went by, and Gregory was almost for 
 gotten, save by his father and little Patience. Every fall, 
 when the sunflowers and hollyhocks went to seed, Patience 
 looked for her truant brother, and on each anniversary of 
 his departure, the Reverend Jabez preached the David and 
 Absalom sermon. And so when five years had gone by, 
 those in the village who had not forgotten him believed 
 him dead, as nothing had, in all that time, been heard of 
 him ; but in the sixth year he returned. Then for the first 
 time the good people learned from his own lips the story 
 of his wanderings. When he left home he went direct to 
 
 Hi
 
 242 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 Nantucket, where he shipped for a whaling voyage around 
 Cape Horn ; the vessel in which he sailed, after being out 
 two years, was destroyed by fire ; he, with six other sailors, 
 managed to reach an uninhabited island, where they led a 
 Robinson Crusoeish sort of life for three years, when they 
 were taken off at last by a vessel which touched there for 
 a supply of water, and then, so soon as he was able, Greg 
 ory made his way home ; but in the mean time changes had 
 taken place in the dull New- England village. 
 
 " His father had, during the fourth year of his absence, 
 been gathered to his fathers, and slept in the churchyard 
 beside his wife. Little Patience, too, had grown up, and 
 on being permitted by her father, a few months before 
 his death, to go out into society, and attend merry-makings, 
 had, at the very first corn-husking she engaged in, fallen 
 in love with a dashing young blade from Boston town, who 
 in turn was equally smitten with her, and before many 
 weeks she eloped with him, on a moonlight evening, and 
 was married by the Universalist minister, whom her 
 father bitterly hated ; which, in itself made him more 
 wroth with his daughter than he would otherwise have 
 been, and caused him, doubtless, to forbid her to return 
 home, and induced him to make a will leaving his house 
 hold gods and his manuscript sermons to the black cook 
 who waited on him and prepared his daily meals. Then 
 he preached a sermon in relation to Jephthah s daughter, 
 whose filial love and obedience he held up in contrast to 
 the act of which his daughter was guilty. This was the 
 old Puritan s last sermon. Whether he had in its compo 
 sition and delivery over-exerted his mental powers, or 
 whether it arose from grief at his daughter s conduct, was 
 never clearly known ; but from that day the silver cord 
 was loosed, the golden bowl was broken, and on the follow 
 ing Sabbath his coffin was carried into the church, and a 
 brother clergyman preached over it his funeral sermon. 
 
 " In a worldly point of view, Patience had done well.
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 243 
 
 Her husband was wealthy, and a rising man in his profes- 
 ion. His fame as a lawyer was spread abroad. More than 
 one year they lived happily together, when he was called 
 upon to try a suit in New York, whither he went, leaving 
 his wife behind him. Soon after his arrival there he was 
 taken sick ; his wife was sent for ; she started to go to him, 
 and reached here, when she too was taken ill, and, as old 
 Mrs. Axsey once informed you, gave birth to a daughter, 
 who, it appears, was Lilly. So soon as the young mother 
 was able to travel, she proceeded to New York, but reached 
 there too late to find her husband living ; he had died the 
 day before her arrival. The shock was greater than her 
 feeble strength could bear, and in a few days she was laid 
 beside her husband. 
 
 " Lilly, however, lived and grew, and her affairs pros 
 pered in the hands of her guardian, who was her father s 
 bosom friend ; and now, at eighteen, she is not only a belle 
 but an heiress. Gregory s attention was attracted to Lilly, 
 first, by seeing a minature which she wore, that resembled 
 his lost sister. Though he was not aware that she had left 
 an infant, yet the more he pondered the subject, the more 
 convinced was he that she was his sister s child. This led 
 him to go to Newport ; this caused him to make inquiries 
 of a lawyer in New York ; this it was that carried him 
 there, and which is now keeping him from Allen-Dale." 
 
 " And from you," I added, as Kate finished her account 
 of Lilly White s mother and Lilly White s Uncle Gregory. 
 Kate, though a woman owning to thirty-five, blushed, and 
 said, " Good-night"
 
 244 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 XL 
 
 GREGORY S RETURN. WHAT THE GOLDEN RULE SAID. 
 
 OUR THANKSGIVING DINNER. A FAMOUS PIE. MRS. 
 
 AXSEY SPEAKS; ITS EFFECT. GREGORY S OPINION OF 
 
 MRS. A. FRED S OPINION. GREGORY S PLANS. 
 
 ENTERTAINING BACHELORS. BAGDAD. ARABIAN 
 
 NIGHTS. PERFUMES AND OILS. 
 
 **"*REGORY has returned home, accompanied by 
 Miss Lilly White. Their arrival caused great talk 
 down in the valley. Both the old and young can 
 vassed the matter pretty freely. The gentlemen, especially 
 those who had arrived at years of discretion, say fifty or 
 thereabouts, termed Gregory an old fool, and Lilly a 
 young simpleton. The grandmotherly part of the other 
 sex asked each other, with uplifted eyes and hands, What 
 have n t we lived to see ? While the more youthful portion 
 of the community laughed, and wondered how it .would end. 
 The Golden-Rule Society held a special meeting, ostensibly 
 to hear a report from a committee in regard to the primi 
 tive habits of the Esquimaux, but in reality to gossip about 
 Gregory and his approaching marriage with Lilly White. 
 Kate, who was present at the meeting, gave a highly inter 
 esting account of their proceedings to the parties most in 
 terested, who, on the following day, with my own family, were 
 gathered around the Thanksgiving dinner-table. Some of 
 the ladies, she said, at the society, declared most emphati 
 cally that Gregory and Lilly were already married ; that the 
 ceremony was performed in Grace Church, before a large 
 and fashionable audience, that they had come to spend the 
 honeymoon at The Hemlocks," and that immediately after
 
 DOWN Ifr THE VALLEY. 245 
 
 Christmas they were to start for Europe. No one down in 
 the valley, except old Mrs. Axsey, suspects the true state 
 of the case. There will be some inflammatory speeches 
 made by members of the Quackery when they find out, as 
 they will on Christmas-day, that it is Kate, after all, and 
 not Lilly White, who is the coming wife. Those who have 
 spoken slightingly to Kate of Gregory, and ridiculed him, 
 will, I imagine, wish that they had held their peace. 
 
 Our Thanksgiving dinner was, I think, a very excellent 
 one. Few persons down in the valley, I imagine, partook 
 of any better. It was prepared by Mrs. Axsey, acting 
 under Kate s direction. One end of the table was adorned 
 by a roasted turkey, the other by a chicken-pie ; various 
 vegetables occupied appropriate places on the board, and 
 all ultimately gave place to puddings and pies. I have 
 never partaken, however, of any pie which I so relished as 
 I did the chicken-pie that graced my Thanksgiving board. 
 There is a pie celebrated in history, which, perhaps, was its 
 superior. I refer to the one composed of four-and-twenty 
 blackbirds ; but even its superiority consisted not so much 
 in its excellence as a pie, as in the circumstance that after 
 the pie was baked, and when, as one would naturally sup 
 pose, the blackbirds were done to death, on its being opened 
 they began to sing. What length of time, however, they 
 continued singing, history fails to teach us. I am inclined 
 to think, though, that it was only while the king, before 
 whom the dish was sat, was occupied in eating it. Indeed, 
 it is highly improbable that the blackbirds would, even if 
 they could, which in itself is problematical, continue 
 to sing after being devoured by the king, and torn, prob 
 ably, limb from limb, after the latest Sepoy fashion. 
 
 When I spoke of this pie to Fred, who had come home 
 to take his Thanksgiving dinner with us, and asked him 
 how he would have liked to see its counterpart on our table, 
 he gave me to understand that it would have pleased him 
 amazingly ; but for his part, he said, he should like to know
 
 246 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 the king s name who was served with so dainty a repast. 
 I was obliged to confess my entire ignorance of it ; where 
 upon Mrs. Axsey, who had been an attentive listener, said 
 that she had heard tell about that pie a good many years 
 ago. but she had never believed in its truth till now. 
 Fred said he did n t believe it even now, and asked uncle 
 Gregory if he did. Gregory replied that he was not 
 prepared to answer the question at present ; but that, 
 after thinking about it a few years, he might be able to 
 do so. 
 
 * I suspicion," said Mrs. Axsey, with an eye to business 
 hereafter, " that when your uncle Gregory gets one or two 
 little shavers who learn to read consarning this curious pie, 
 in the what-do-you-call-it book ? " " Mother Goose," sug 
 gested Fred. " Yes, that s it precisely, Mother Goose 
 book, that he 11 be better able to tell you then all about it 
 than he be now." 
 
 At the conclusion of this speech of Mrs. Axsey s, which 
 had a visible effect upon those around the table, a silence 
 ensued, during which Kate busied herself with peeling an 
 orange ; Lilly ate a philopena with Fred ; I, with an un- 
 tasted glass of wine in my hand, considered the color very 
 attentively; while Gregory, adjusting his eye-glass, gazed 
 sternly through it at Mrs. Axsey opposite, who, pleased 
 with herself, smiled graciously in return, until frightened 
 by Gregory, who broke the silence with exclaiming, 
 " Zounds ! madam." Immediately thereafter Kate nodded 
 to Lilly, and then both, with Mrs. Axsey bringing up the 
 rear, departed for the drawing - room, leaving Gregory 
 Fred, and myself lingering at the table. 
 
 " What a confounded old woman ! " said Gregory, the 
 moment the dining-room door closed between Mrs. Axsey 
 and himself. 
 
 " Do you think so ? " I asked, smiling at his vehemence. 
 
 " Yes," he answered ; " fifty thousand cradles rock her to 
 death ! "
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 247 
 
 " But Fred, here," I continued, " considers her a very 
 kind-hearted, estimable old lady. Do you not, Fred ? " 
 
 " To be sure I do," he replied. " Did n t she send me, 
 while I was off to boarding-school, a great lot of ginger- 
 snaps, and a plum-cake, and a pumpkin-pie ! " 
 
 " Did she, though ? " asked Gregory. " Well, that was 
 kind, and I declare I 11 send her a barrel of flour, to repay 
 her for this kindness, to-morrow." And Gregory kept his 
 word. 
 
 We remained long over our nuts and wine, discussing 
 plans for the future. Christmas-day is the one appointed 
 for the wedding, which is to take place at Allen-Dale, and 
 immediately after the ceremony the " happy couple " expect 
 to depart on a Southern tour, Cuba being the limit and 
 tarrying point in the journey. On their return, which will 
 not be until spring, they will make Allen-Dale their resi 
 dence, " though," said Gregory, winking at me over the 
 top of his glass, " I shall retain The Hemlocks leaving 
 Pompey in charge as a place of retreat, in case I find 
 that married life fails to agree with me." Of course I ap 
 proved of this plan of Gregory s, and told him that the 
 place would, doubtless, become a rallying spot for all the 
 discontented husbands dwelling down in the valley. 
 
 Gregory said that he did not mean to retain it for such 
 a purpose, but simply as a retreat for himself during the 
 season of house-cleaning, and when Kate invited the 
 "Gossipery" to tea at Allen-Dale; "and then, too," he 
 conlinued, " if a bachelor friend or so from the city should 
 run up to see me, for a few days fishing or shooting, why, 
 he could make himself more comfortable at The Hem 
 locks than at Allen-Dale, and altogether, I think, enjoy 
 himself better there than here, which I am sure I should 
 do, for I should not fear our convivialities were disturbing 
 the whole house, nor keeping Kate and Lilly awake." 
 
 " Very considerate in you, truly," I replied ; " but, my 
 dear Gregory, you will find out that these little Convivial
 
 248 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 affairs, which are well enough in one s bachelor days, will 
 have to be dispensed with when you come to have a wife. 
 She will doubtless think it advisable for you to stay at 
 home with her rather than to be entertaining any bachelor 
 friends around the festive board. You will know the tree 
 of good and evil, the felicities and infelicities of married 
 life. Your Bacchic songs will soon all be sung, old boy ; 
 your last fair one toasted ; your last flirtation see its end. 
 You ve seen your last bachelor season at Newport, essayed 
 les fanciers, in the ball-room, with the daring Miss Dash, 
 for the last time ; and when next you meet the Marys and 
 Fannys pretty girls enough ! with whom you drove on 
 the beach, you will be a staid married man, and they will 
 acknowledge your bow politely, but calmly, for you will 
 have ceased to be anything to them. 
 
 As I finished speaking, Gregory, somewhat excited, ut 
 tered, I am sorry to say, the name of the father of lies ; 
 and then, draining his glass, rose suddenly from the table 
 and proceeded to join the ladies. 
 
 Then turning to Fred, who, all the time Gregory and 
 myself had been talking, was engaged in searching through 
 the almond dish for philopenas to eat with Lilly, and had 
 obtained a full plate of them, " Fred," I said, " how are 
 you progressing in your studies at school ? Do you dili 
 gently apply yourself to your books ? " 
 
 Fred guessed that he did. 
 
 " And do you remember all that you learn ? " I inquired. 
 
 " Certainly," Fred replied ; " and I like geography the 
 best of all my studies, because it tells about foreign places 
 and Bagdad." 
 
 " Bagdad ? " I repeated, interrogatively. 
 
 " Yes, Bagdad," said Fred ; " and it s there I m agoing 
 one of these days." 
 
 " Why to Bagdad ? " I asked. 
 
 " Oh ! to see it," Fred replied, " and to find out whether 
 the Arabian Nights is all true."
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 249 
 
 "Then you think that that fact can be ascertained at 
 Bagdad ? " 
 
 " To be sure it can," said Fred ; " and while there I 11 
 buy me a lot of perfumes, attar of rose and all those sort 
 of smells. John Growsy, now at school, has five or six 
 different kinds on his wash-stand, done up in little glass 
 bottles, with colored labels ; and he has ox-marrow, and 
 bear s-grease, and oils for his hair. His handkerchiefs are 
 always scented with violets and poppies, and them flowers, 
 and his head smells just exactly like wintergreen candy. 
 Smell of my hair now," and Fred marched around to my 
 side of the table, the better to give me an opportunity of 
 gratifying my olfactory organs. " What do you smell ? " 
 he asked, as he put his curly pate near my face. 
 
 " Why, I should say tallow," I replied. 
 
 " Oh, pshaw ! " cried Fred, " it s sassafras, that s what it 
 is. I bought a bottle of buffalo-grease to-day, and rubbed 
 it on my hair, and it smells real strong of the pure extract 
 of sassafras that s just what the man said whom I bought 
 it of." 
 
 " Ah ! . Fred," I exclaimed, " we both have our little weak 
 nesses, the son and the father, the one oils his hair and 
 the other dyes his whiskers. Well, well, time runs apace. 
 We shall both of us be bald, perhaps, before we die. Come, 
 let us go to join your uncle Gregory and the ladies." And 
 we went
 
 250 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 XII. 
 
 THE NEW CHURCH. THE OLD CHURCH. THE TOLLING 
 
 U1CLL. SWALLOWS. SQUARE PEWS. BOYS AT PLAY. 
 
 JACKKNIVES. DREAMS. THE OLD RECTOR. THE 
 
 VESTRY. RESOLUTIONS. THE NEW CLERGYMAN. 
 
 SPIDERS AND FLIES. REFORM. ORGAN VS. BASS- 
 VIOL. GREG S IMMOLATION. "THEN AND NOW." 
 
 E have a new church down in the valley. Within 
 this sacred edifice Gregory and Kate expect to 
 be married. If anything can add to the cheerful 
 solemnity, as Mrs. Axsey would say, of the wedding cere 
 mony, it is, I think, to have it performed in a new church. 
 A new church is redolent of christenings and sunrisings ; 
 but an old church seems musty with funerals and night. 
 Our old church was a tumble-down affair, with cracked walls, 
 and sunken tower, and tottering belfry. In a high wind 
 the church rocked to its foundation-stones, and the window- 
 sashes rattled, and the hands of the clock were blown 
 wildly round and round, regardless of the hours ; while the 
 bell, on which is inscribed a scrap of old Latin, tolled 
 mournfully, and of stormy nights kept the children of the 
 neighborhood awake with its dismal tones, and frightened 
 unprotected females half to death, who were superstitious 
 enough to believe that the evil one inhabited the belfry and 
 tolled the bell whenever he beheld some wicked deed per 
 petrated down in the valley. This, of course, was sheer 
 nonsense ; for the old church had as little to do with the 
 evil spirits as any church in the village ; and so, for the 
 good name of the old church, I would declare that this was 
 a base and malignant slander.
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 251 
 
 The belfry was, however, a place famous as the resort of 
 numberless swallows ; and near sunset, in the summer time, 
 hundreds of these swift-winged birds glided in and out, and 
 sailed to and fro around the belfry, till, as night closed, 
 they at first, one by one, then in pairs and by threes and 
 fours, and at last in whole flocks, disappeared within it ; 
 where, for a long time, they kept up a noisy twittering, in 
 creased whenever a belated bird arriving, dropped, in seem 
 ingly unexpected and undesired, on them. They, however, 
 always managed to make room for the new-comer ; and at 
 last, with their heads buried in their feathers, they sunk to 
 rest. 
 
 For years Kate and I found much amusement in watch 
 ing these swallows that, summer after summer, wheeled 
 about the steeple in their airy flight, or fluttered around the 
 vane, alighting perhaps for a moment upon it, and then 
 suddenly, with the swiftness of an arrow from the string, 
 cleaving the evening air and disappearing in the distance. 
 Kate has said that she recognized, on each returning sum 
 mer, some individual swallows who had grown gray sweep 
 ing about the spire year after year. 
 
 In the old church were square pews, occupied by the 
 wealthier portion of the congregation, who sat around little 
 tables, and looked for all the world as if at a tea-party ; 
 though there was no food for the body on the little tables, 
 only food for the soul, which, after all, was much better. 
 The backs of the pews were so high that they completely 
 hid from sight the little boys and girls seated within ; and, 
 thereby screened from the searching eyes of the old clergy 
 man, they failed not to make faces at each other, and play 
 all manner of fantastic tricks. Thus protected, too, the 
 larger boys read Sunday-school books during church-time, 
 and even carved their names with jackknives on the seats, 
 instead of attending, as they should, to the sermon. Some 
 of the older portion of the congregation, especially those 
 who sat with their backs towards the minister, took short
 
 252 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 and secret naps, during which they dreamed dreams purely 
 of a secular character, and in no way connected with the 
 church or church affairs ; and when not taking their naps 
 they were engaged in making little business calculations in 
 their heads ; or, with stubby cedar pencils, figured up their 
 past week s profit or loss, as it might be, on the fly-leaves of 
 their prayer-books. It is not, therefore, to be wondered at 
 that religion in the old church was at a low ebb ; and that 
 the saints days and the fastdays marked in the Church s 
 calendar were but illy kept ; and that the congregation be 
 came more and more dormant, and less willing to attend to 
 the duties of the sanctuary, with every revolving year. 
 They became dissatisfied not only with themselves, but like 
 wise with the old clergyman, and spoke some slanderous 
 things concerning him, which, reaching his ears, made him 
 provoked and dissatisfied in turn with them, and finally 
 careless as to his own duties. lie preached over and over 
 old sermons, which the more attentive portion of the con 
 gregation knew by heart, until he at last, quite disheartened, 
 died and was buried. 
 
 Most of the congregation shed a few tears over the 
 coffin containing his remains, as it lay in front of the chan 
 cel, on the day of his funeral ; and, in a Christian spirit, 
 while remembering his many virtues, forgot his few faults. 
 Even the vestry, which, as a body, had needlessly embit 
 tered his last days, by passing a resolution requesting him 
 to resign his charge of the parish, to which request, how 
 ever, he refused to accede, because, as he said, he desired 
 to die their rector, met again, and passed another resolu 
 tion, expressive of their regard for the deceased, recogniz 
 ing his eminent virtues, and bewailing the irreparable loss 
 which the parish had sustained in his demise ; and, further, 
 resolving that if ever (Deus vuli) they should erect a new 
 church, which subject was just at that time beginning to be 
 agitated by some of the younger members of the congrega 
 tion, they would place in the chancel a window, commem-
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 253 
 
 orative of his life-long devotion and zeal to the interest of 
 his church and parish ; and then they adjourned and re 
 turned to their homes, satisfied that they had done their 
 duty both to the deceased and themselves. Perhaps 
 they had ; but Gregory said some sarcastic and bitter 
 things about them, notwithstanding their flattering resolu 
 tions. 
 
 So it came to pass that a younger man, who had gladly 
 accepted the silver call the vestry gave to him, succeeded 
 the old clergyman, and immediately set himself to work to 
 reform the parish and arouse it from the deathly stupor 
 I quote his own words which had crept over it during the 
 last and failing years of his predecessor in the holy office. 
 The new clergyman had youth, eloquence, perseverance, 
 and faith in his own pureness of purpose, to aid him in his 
 efforts ; so it is not at all strange that, in a short time, a re 
 markable and improved change was noticeable both in the 
 attendance and conduct of his congregation. Even the old 
 church itself underwent an improvement. The walls and 
 ceilings were whitewashed ; the cobwebs that for years had 
 adorned every angle and festooned every practicable point, 
 and wherein myriads of unsuspecting flies had fallen victims 
 to crafty and cruel spiders, were swept down, and, with 
 their tyrannical proprietors, were vaingloriously destroyed. 
 The broken lights of glass through which the winters 
 snows and the summers showers had entered, were removed, 
 and whole ones inserted. The windows themselves were 
 washed both outside and in, and the pulpit and lecturn 
 newly painted and cushioned. The sounding-board over 
 the pulpit was removed, and the backs and fronts of the 
 pews razeed. The little tables disappeared, and kneeling- 
 stools took their places. 
 
 In due time the new clergyman induced the congrega 
 tion to purchase an organ in the place of the double bass- 
 viol, whose bow the old music-teacher who sang through his 
 nose had angularly, if not gracefully and scientifically,
 
 254 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 wielded from time immemoral ; and who, alas for " Old 
 Hundred " ! had to give way to an accomplished musician 
 from the city, who improvised voluntaries on the organ, 
 which, however, sounded very much like dancing-tunes 
 slowly played ; and, further, introduced silver plates at 
 least they resemble silver to be used at the oftertory, 
 instead of the long-handled contribution-boxes heretofore 
 employed. 
 
 During the second year of the young clergyman s incum 
 bency, the corner-stone of the new church was laid with 
 appropriate ceremonies ; and twenty months thereafter the 
 edifice was completed. It is in this church that Gregory 
 and Kate, on Christmas-day, are to be married. Gregory, 
 who, as I have elsewhere mentioned, was not a church- 
 going man, owing, probably, to the puritanical strictness 
 with which his early religious education was conducted, 
 accompanied me to the church, for the first time since its 
 consecration, on Thanksgiving-day, to behold the spot, as 
 he expressed it, whereon he was to suffer immolation. So 
 pleased was Gregory with the Church service and the ser 
 mon of the young clergyman, which he considered equal to 
 any of the printed ones that fill a portion of his library- 
 shelves, that he has each successive Sunday accompanied 
 me thither, and avows his determination, henceforth, to 
 attend the same. 
 
 That Gregory sees some things in and about the new 
 
 church and congregation that displease him, I gather from 
 
 he following lines, which he wrote a few days after his 
 
 second Sunday in church, and which he handed to me for 
 
 my approval. The lines in question are entitled 
 
 THEN AND NOW. BY A "MISERABLE SINNER." 
 
 In temples built by God himself 
 
 The leafy groves so fair* 
 His first and purest worshippers 
 
 Praised Him with psalm and prayer,
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 255 
 
 With lute, and harp, and timbrel, they 
 
 Essayed His love to hymn ; 
 Their tongues with hallelujahs rung, 
 
 Their eyes with tears were dim. 
 
 On verdant plains, on rocky heights, 
 
 His altars were upreared, 
 And there, for pious sacrifice, 
 
 They morn and eve appeared. 
 
 In woods primeval first they knelt, 
 
 And lowly words of prayer 
 To God in supplication fell 
 
 Upon the fragrant air. 
 
 The hills and mountains round about 
 
 In solemn grandeur rose, 
 The winds were hushed, the running brooks 
 
 Were stilled in soft repose. 
 
 The forest-trees on every side 
 
 In silent beauty stood, 
 And ca> T n shadow, broad and dark, 
 
 Witnm tne sacred wood. 
 
 And there fresh hearts went out to God, 
 
 In humbleness and love, 
 And when life s pilgrimage was closed, 
 
 They passed to homes above. 
 
 We leave the groves, God s temples, 
 
 To raise, with righteous care, 
 Our costly shrines and lofty piles, 
 
 To be His seats of prayer. 
 
 We build of stone each sacred place, 
 
 And to increase its worth, 
 We raise a roof of stately height 
 
 Above our mother earth. 
 
 We plant a tower of massive strength 
 
 Beside our holy fane, 
 Erect a heaven-pointing spire, 
 
 Significant but vain.
 
 256 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 We crown the whole with gilded cross, 
 
 On which the golden sun 
 First sheds its earliest matin rays, 
 
 Its last when day is done. 
 
 Within are Gothic windows, rich 
 
 In diamond-pointed panes, 
 Through which the precious sunlight falli 
 
 In rainbow-colored stains. 
 
 The chancel-rails are richly carved, 
 
 In high artistic style ; 
 The altar is a work of art, 
 
 The jewel of the pile. 
 
 O er it, each Sabbath in the year, 
 A fair white cloth is spread, 
 
 And standing near, the man of God , 
 Pours wine and breaketh bread. 
 
 And in the nave tall columns rise, 
 
 Symmetrical to view, 
 With ceilings groined and pencilled wall*, 
 
 All stained a dainty hue. 
 
 And, lo ! between the columns 
 Are cushioned seats of ease, 
 
 Where sit the wealthy worshippers, 
 Nor bend their stubborn knees ; 
 
 Nor lift their stony hearts in prayer, 
 Nor think of Him who died, 
 
 With crown of thorns upon His brow 
 Their Lord, the Crucified. 
 
 For them t is all-sufficient 
 
 If each but bows his head 
 When solemn prayers are offered, 
 Or the litany is read. 
 
 No need for them to utter, 
 
 In penitential grief, 
 The prayers through which the sinner* 
 
 Are seeking for relief.
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 257 
 
 Indeed, such words were useless 
 
 For them to utter there, 
 Unless, in sweet humility, 
 
 They sought His loving care. 
 
 But next the wall the poor man kneels, 
 
 And prays with fervent zeal, 
 And though his clothes he coarse and old, 
 
 God careth for his weal. 
 
 He cannot see the white-rohed priest, 
 
 The columns interfere, 
 But he can hear the living words 
 
 That fill his listening ear. 
 
 And if no sparrow falls to earth, 
 
 Unnoticed by His eye, 
 Much less His sovereign love and care 
 
 Will pass the poor man by. 
 
 Cheer up, brave hearts ! though coarse and thin 
 
 The garments which you wear, 
 They will be changed to angel robes, 
 
 Most glorious and rare. 
 
 God grant that, in these troubled times, 
 
 Both rich and poor may place 
 Their safe reliance in the Lord, 
 
 And seek His smiling face. 
 
 And then though moth and rust corrupt, 
 
 And thieves break through and steal, 
 His mercy 11 temper every loss 
 
 Of fortune s changing wheel. 
 
 And they who worship in a church, 
 
 And those without who pray 
 Both rich and poor should bless the Lord, 
 
 Who keeps them day by day. 
 
 IT
 
 258 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 GREGORY GETS READY TO BE MARRIED. ORPHAN ASY 
 LUM. PETER COOPER. WHAT THE YOUNG LAWYER 
 
 SAID. HOW HE PLAYS CHESS. GREGORY S ADVICE. 
 
 MRS. AXSEY SPEAKS. TEMPTING PROVIDENCE. THE 
 
 LATE MR. A. "A BACHELOR S LEGACY." 
 
 RE GORY GRUMM is the busiest man, nowa 
 days, of which I know. He is settling up his 
 bachelor estate, and he appears to give his whole 
 mind to it. He is paying all kinds of bills, and writing all 
 manner of billets. Pompey is reaping a harvest of cast-off 
 clothing. No " old clothing " establishment in Chatham 
 Street could make a larger display of second-hand articles 
 of a single gentleman s wardrobe than Pompey. Gregory 
 is determined to leave, not only his bachelor garments 
 his roundabouts and loose trousers behind him, but also 
 his bachelor habits. The bit of advice w.hich I gave him 
 on Thanksgiving-day, while at the dinner-table, took root, 
 and blossomed and bore fruit. Having wisely concluded 
 not to retain the Hemlocks as a rendezvous for his bachelor 
 friends, he is going to convert it into an orphan asylum, 
 and has already deeded the place to the Golden-Rule So 
 ciety for that purpose. The old ladies speak of him as a 
 philanthropist, and the young lawyer who received the deed 
 in trust for the society made Gregory a brief speech at the 
 time, and termed him another Howard also, a second 
 Peter Cooper. Gregory is quite modest, but I am inclined 
 to think that he was greatly pleased with having his humble 
 name coupled with that of Peter Cooper. " Ah ! " said he to 
 me, as we sat talking over this affair, a few hours after the
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 259 
 
 presentation of the deed, " ah ! " he repeated, " that young 
 lawyer is a very clever fellow so intelligent, so discerning, 
 so perfectly correct in everything he states. By the way, 
 it was very kind in him, was n t it ? to speak in the manner 
 he did of me, in connection with Cooper. A rising young 
 man, sir ; I should not be at all surprised if he became a 
 chief-justice one of these days. Well, well, Peter Cooper, 
 to be sure." And Gregory wreathed his head with the 
 smoke from a final bachelor cigar, until he seemed crowned 
 with a civic wreath. 
 
 I may as well here mention that the rising young man 
 alluded to passes a great deal of his time both at the 
 Hemlocks and at Allen-Dale. He seems to have suddenly 
 taken wonderfully to Gregory and myself. He declares 
 that our conversation improves his mind ; that every word 
 we utter is as good as a page of Blackstone to him, and 
 that the jokes of Punch are as nothing compared with 
 those which we get off. He comes purposely, he says, to 
 play chess with me, and " old sledge " with Gregory. 
 Somehow, though, we neither of us ever get to playing a 
 game with him. Often has it happened that when I have 
 been to get the chess-men, I have found him, on my return, 
 so completely crinolined into a corner by Miss Lilly as to 
 be utterly unable to extricate himself from her toils. The 
 poor fellow, I knew all the time, wished to get away so as 
 to enjoy a silent game, with me, but was actually compelled, 
 since there was no way of getting around and past the crin 
 oline, to remain with Lilly and listen to her talk concern 
 ing gloves, King Charles spaniels, Newport, and " Noth 
 ing to Wear." It does appear a little singular, however, 
 that he the rising young lawyer never comes to play 
 chess with me except on such evenings as Lilly chances to 
 be at Allen-Dale ; and that he goes to the Hemlocks to 
 play with Gregory only when Lilly is there. 
 
 But to go back to Gregory. So completely is he pos 
 sessed with the one idea of getting married that he can
 
 2GO DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 never let the subject rest more than an hour at a time. 
 He is continually advising some one to get married. He 
 recommends it to me fifty times a day ; and when I ask 
 him who shall I marry, he replies, Kate, or Lilly, or Mrs. 
 Axsey. or any one, indeed, so long as you get married. 
 He gives the same advice to Pompey, and to Jasper Milli- 
 kens, and to the rising young man the latter of whom 
 promised Gregory that he would attentively consider the 
 matter, and if he could consistently follow his advice he 
 would certainly do so, and I, for my part, have no doubt 
 but that the " clever fellow " will. 
 
 Gregory has been employing his leisure moments in 
 composing some verses, which he entitles, " A Bachelor s 
 Legacy." It is, indeed, a poetical bequest of various items, 
 which he in his ignorance conceives will be no more wanted 
 by him in his married state. Some of these, which he so 
 pleasantly leaves to sundry friends, he may possibly not 
 require under the new order of things ; but it strikes me 
 that the proportion of articles therein named would prove, 
 as Mrs. Axsey says, "just as handy " to a married man as 
 to a bachelor. But I shall let Gregory find out all this 
 himself. Because he is intending to spend a few months 
 in the South is not a good reason, therefore, why he should 
 make bequests of the nature below narrated. He could 
 not do much otherwise if he were going to die, and it was 
 his will that he had drawn up. It lacks the usual form of 
 such testaments, to be sure ; but Mrs. Axsey declares that 
 it is just no more nor less than a will done up in rhyme, 
 and that, for her part, she considers it s tempting Provi 
 dence for a man, in good health, " to " squat down in cold 
 blood " and write such a " docyment." " Now, there," said 
 she. " was my Number Two ; he was jest as likely and 
 healthy a man only he was n t so large and solidary as 
 Mister Grumm is as any you could ave scared up. and 
 who would ave lived for sixty years, perhaps, if not longer, 
 nad n t he, like a great coot, gone off one day to Squire
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 261 
 
 Davis s an got him to write off a sermonlike will. I dis- 
 remember now exactly how it commenced, but I know that 
 amen was in it somewhere. Well, he left everything on 
 earth that he owned, in that will, to me, and what was the 
 consequence ? Why, that very night he was took badly 
 with fits, and Tore another week he gin up the ghost. 
 And I always persisted in saying that if it had n t been for 
 that will-making, my Number Two would have been living 
 now." 
 
 " Which would certainly," I added, " have made it ex 
 tremely disagreeable for the late Mr. Axsey." 
 
 " Well, now, I must allow," exclaimed Mrs. A., " that it 
 sartinly never struck me in that light before. La, suz ! I 
 guess it would ave riled Axsey a good deal. Well, Prov 
 idence is Providence,, after all ; ain t it ? " 
 
 I " allowed " that it was, and further suggested that will- 
 making, all things considered, was not only highly proper, 
 but really commendable, under some circumstances. 
 
 Mrs. Axsey coincided with me ; and then I read aloud, 
 so that she might perceive how near to a will they ap- 
 preached, the following verses : 
 
 A BACHELOR S LEGACY. 
 Full forty years I ve single dwelt, 
 
 And scarcely known a sorrow ; 
 Fortune with me has kindly dealt, 
 
 And n$w I never borrow ; 
 For gold nor silver d.o 1 lack, 
 
 I ve bank-notes by the ream, sir, 
 Of mortgages i have a stack, 
 
 And drive a double team, sir. 
 
 I ve lived a solitary life, 
 
 Along with my old valet, 
 But now I mean to take a wife 
 
 Some one down in the valley ; 
 And so, as I no more shall need 
 
 My bachelor enjoyments, 
 I 11 let my wild oats run to seed, 
 
 And follow grave employments.
 
 262 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 To Pompey I bequeath my hat, 
 
 My stockings, boots, and collars, 
 My boxing-gloves, my ball and bat, 
 
 And fifty golden dollars. 
 To Mrs. Axsey, all forlorn, 
 
 I leave my hen and chickens, 
 The kitchen-stove, t is somewhat worn, 
 
 The cupboard, with its pickings. 
 
 To Parson Wright, who never wrong 
 
 To man or beast intended, 
 I leave the burden of a song, 
 
 That never can be ended, 
 A grateful one of thanks and praise, 
 
 And eke some sermons musty, 
 Preached by my father in the days 
 
 When he was old and crusty. 
 
 To my good friend the Doctor, who 
 
 Likes Timothy s direction, 
 A cask of brandy, marked " Old Q," 
 
 I leave for his inspection ; 
 One case of sparkling Champagne wine, 
 
 A box of choice Havanas, 
 The table off of which I dine, 
 
 My work on " Social Manners." 
 
 I leave my various games of chance, 
 
 A cooking-book by Soyer, 
 My sightly list of " wines of France," 
 
 Unto our rising lawyer ; 
 My patent bang-up corkscrew, too, 
 
 A jar of piccalilli, 
 My latch-key, just as good as new, 
 
 But not my gentle Lilly. 
 
 To Fred, the rascal ! I bequeath 
 
 My silver mug and sandals, 
 My MS. poems, styled " The Wreath," 
 
 And half a dozen candles, 
 My story-books of fairy lore, 
 
 With cuts of dwarf and giant, 
 And portraits, too, of Little Jack, 
 
 And others as defiant.
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 263 
 
 I leave to Paul my diamond ring, 
 
 And Lilly White to tend him, 
 Each evening must she play and sing, 
 
 And while I m gone befriend him ; 
 And oh ! my friend of other days, 
 
 To you I do appeal, sir, 
 That you will follow in my ways, 
 
 And find your woe or weal, sir.
 
 264 DOWN IN THE VALLEY 
 
 XIV. 
 
 CHRISTMAS NIGHT. TEN TEARS AGO. A CHRISTMAS 
 
 PARTY. KATE AND IJ HER STORY AND MINE. THE 
 
 MARRIAGE. IN THE CHURCH. GREG S ESCAPE. 
 
 DIMES AND QUARTERS. THE DINNER. MRS. AXSEY 
 
 AND MILLIKINS. NO. FOUR. A SECRET. THE LAST 
 
 FAREWELL. ALONE. 
 
 \T is Christmas night, and I am alone in the old stone 
 house down in the valley alone with but my own 
 thoughts to keep me company. The fire, which 
 all day long had sent great shafts of flame up the wide- 
 throated chimney, and had thrown out into the room a 
 cheerful warmth and ruddy light, is now smouldering on 
 the hearth. I hear only the ticking of the hall-clock be 
 hind the door, and the wind wailing mournfully around the 
 corners of the house and about the lofty gables. Once 
 in my life before, on Christmas night, have I sat alone 
 battling with sorrow. Then, as now, the wind sobbed like 
 a broken-hearted child around my home. Then, as now, 
 the fire flickered and died away, and the old clock said, 
 " Forever never." But a heavier grief was on my heart 
 then than there is now. My home appeared more deso 
 late, and I seemed more alone in the world than noV. 
 Only a few days previous I had laid my young wife in her 
 solitary grave ; and though I had heard the frozen earth 
 rattle on her coffin, and seen the grave filled up and 
 rounded over, and watched the falling snow, till even all 
 semblance of the grave itself was hidden from sight, I had 
 failed to realize, in its full extent, how totally alone I was 
 in the wide world ; but as I recalled to my mind the
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 265 
 
 Christmas nights gone by, wherein she and I had sat side 
 by side, and, after long grappling with the idea, as if it 
 were a hideous nightmare, had at last succeeded in fully 
 realizing that never again on earth, at Christmas, or on 
 any other day in all coming years, would she and I meet 
 around our blazing fire, did grief, with its crushing weight 
 of agony, press upon my heart. 
 
 And now, after ten years have elapsed, am I again spend 
 ing the Christmas night alone. Time, it is true, has as 
 suaged the bitterndss of my sorrow, and blessed memories 
 of her whom I have lost come to fill its place in my mind ; 
 but still the terrible feeling of loneliness, which I recollect 
 then to have experienced, returns with even redoubled 
 force upon my soul. Then, though a gulf was between us, 
 I felt that I could measure it by days; but now we are 
 divided by a gulf of years, and though something within 
 me whispers that the years I have passed over that sepa 
 rate her from me, are greater in number than the years 
 to come, which stand between us, I fail to realize it, and 
 only see the gulf widening behind me, nor behold the 
 narrowing one before. 
 
 I said I was alone, on Christmas night, in the old stone 
 house down in the valley. It is even so. Gregory and 
 Kate are married and gone. Fred and Lilly accompanied 
 them as far as to the city. The young clergyman who per 
 formed the ceremony, and who, afterwards, with a few 
 friends, repaired to Allen-Dale, to partake of the united 
 wedding and Christmas dinner, long since departed, leav 
 ing me to solitude and reflection. 
 
 Last night Allen-Dale was alive with guests. Not a 
 room in the house that was not thrown open to the party 
 assembled. Christmas stories were told, Christmas carols 
 were sung, Christmas games were played, and Christmas 
 cakes were eaten. The Yule log blazed in the hall chim 
 ney ; the holly and mistletoe hung from the ceiling ; sprigs 
 of cedar adorned the window-panes, and wreaths of ever-
 
 266 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 green festooned the walls. The wassail-bowl overflowed 
 on the sideboard, and hundreds of waxen candles con 
 sumed slowly away ; cheeks and lips were kissed, hands 
 were secretly pressed, and dainty forms were tenderly 
 clasped as their owners whirled in the giddy dance. Thus 
 merrily sped Christmas eve ; and only after the hour when 
 it is said that oxen kneel in their stalls, and when Christ 
 mas greetings had been joyfully exchanged by one and 
 all of those assembled, did the party begin to disperse. 
 And when the last guest had gone, and Gregory, even, had 
 departed, and Lilly and Fred said, " Good-night," then did 
 Kate and I feeling that it was for the last time sit 
 side by side, before the still blazing fire, and recall, not with 
 out tears as well as smiles, the Christmas eves we two had 
 passed together. Of all, however, that was spoken by us 
 to each other, none will ever know. There are matters 
 too sacred and precious to be laid before a curious public ; 
 and Kate s story of her early love, so touching in its char 
 acter, and so honorable to her woman s nature, of which 
 she had never breathed to me a syllable before, must 
 forever remain buried in my own bosom. I, too, had a story 
 of love, not so old a one as Kate s, but of later date, even 
 of the present, of which she had never heard, that I might 
 have told her, but which, for her sake as well as my own, I 
 pressed down into a corner of my heart, beside the buried 
 hopes and fears of long ago. Is it any wonder, then, that, 
 as I sit alone this Christmas night, I should feel my deso- 
 lateness even as I did ten years ago ? 
 
 Morning was breaking before Kate and I parted, and as 
 I kissed the tears from her cheeks, she clasped my hand 
 and cried, " God bless you, Paul ; forever bless and keep 
 you ! " and thus the ten years of life which we had so 
 happily passed together down in the valley came to an 
 end. For, on the morrow this very morning, though it 
 seems to me an age ago when we again met, Gregory 
 itood prepared to take her from me ; and so just before
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 2G7 
 
 the hour of the Christmas morning s services, we repaired 
 to the new church, and, standing in the body of the church, 
 the twain were made one; and as the early comers to 
 church entered its doors, the blessing was pronounced, and 
 the wedding party turned down the aisle and entered my 
 pew to join in the Christmas praises. Then the bell high 
 up in the tower of the new church rung a merry peal, so 
 that every one down in the valley knew that a marriage 
 had taken place, and with, I thought, a greater speed and 
 anxiety than usual, the congregation hastened to church. 
 Of course the sexon, while he tolled the bell, also told the 
 people as they passed him, who it were that had been 
 stealing a march upon them. Great was the wonderment, 
 and surprise, and whisperings that ensued, when the fact 
 that it was Kate, and not Lilly, whom Gregory had mar 
 ried, was fully known. 
 
 It was with difficulty that the young clergyman could 
 obtain the attention of any one of his congregation long 
 enough for them to understand more than the subject of his 
 discourse. Every eye turned irresistibly toward Gregory 
 and Kate. She failed to show, by any visible sign of emo 
 tion, that she knew herself to be the target of all eyes. 
 She bore her new honors with womanly dignity, and never 
 for a moment betrayed any discomposure. Gregory, on 
 the contrary, displayed his feelings very plainly. He grew 
 red and white by turns, coughed till he nearly strangled, 
 wiped great beads of perspiration from his brow, and had 
 not Kate turned on him a wife s rebuking glance, he would 
 have rushed from the church before the sermon was ended. 
 As it was, he fled the moment it came to a close, " to 
 escape," he whispered to me, as he reached over for his 
 hat, " the confounded congratulations of the congregation." 
 
 When, after the services were concluded, and Kate 
 who, at my suggestion, had escaped receiving the good 
 wishes of the assembly, by departing through the robing- 
 room had reached the street, we found Gregory waiting
 
 268 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 for us in the bridal sleigh, with Jasper Millikins on the 
 box, and engaged in tossing dimes and quarters to the 
 roguish boys of the village, who were wishing him any 
 amount of joy. If ever a husband were glad to see his 
 wife coming toward him, it was Gregory ; for his small 
 change* was getting scarce, and he would soon have been 
 obliged to distribute his bank-bills. So, getting into the 
 sleigh, Jasper cracked his whip, and the four white horses, 
 as with one will, started forward, amid the cheers of the 
 crowd, for Allen-Dale. 
 
 It was a small but merry party that met around our 
 Christmas board ; Gregory and Kate ; the young clergy 
 man and his betrothed ; the rising young lawyer and Lilly ; 
 the old doctor, Gregory s family physician ; Fred and my 
 self. Mrs. Axsey, who had attended to the getting up of the 
 dinner, just after it was placed on the table, disappeared. 
 What had become of the old lady no one knew ; but still 
 her absence did not prevent our enjoyment of it. When 
 the young clergyman had asked a blessing with, it appeared 
 to me, a degree of unctuousness seldom witnessed, the 
 feast began. Though many good things were eaten and 
 drunk, and many good jokes and speeches made, it was not 
 until we were on the point of rising from the table, and 
 when Gregory had just concluded his farewell speech, that 
 the" crowning act of the day s proceedings took place. 
 Then, at a preconcerted signal given by the young clergy 
 man, the wide sliding-doors were opened, and arm in arm 
 into the dining-room walked Mrs. Axsey and Jasper Milli 
 kins. The clergyman stepped forward, book in hand, and 
 then and there proceeded to make the couple man and 
 wife. 
 
 " Now then," exclaimed Mrs. Millikins, the moment the 
 knot was tied, " I kinder guess I ve got my number four." 
 
 The only person present who seemed at all desirous of 
 disputing this point was Number Four himself, who shook 
 his head in a negative style, and slowly opened his mouth
 
 DOWX IN THE VALLEY. 269 
 
 as if to speak ; but as his " lady " paid no attention to him, 
 he wisely closed it again, and contented himself by thrust 
 ing his hands deep down into his trousers pockets, and 
 changing the situation of the tobacco within his mouth ; 
 while she continued, "I kinder guess, tew, that ef any 
 pusson can keep a secret better n me, you 11 have hard 
 work to pint em out. Now here s my Jasper, I knowed 
 he d never be able to keep his mouth shet ef I told him 
 .we was agoing to git married ; so I never let on to him a 
 word about it till after he druv back from church, and ef 
 the hull thing did n t take my gentleman by surprise, then 
 I agree to gin up knowing what a surprise is. But he 
 were, I must allow, most oncommon willin to be my 
 Number Four, and I did n t hev to coax him one single 
 bit ; but he come along with me jest for all the world like 
 a critter to the slaughter." 
 
 Then, with much merriment, we drank the last bride 
 and groom s health ; and as soon as he could conveniently, 
 Jasper, with a bottle of champagne under each arm, retired 
 to the kitchen, where he was laid out in an incredibly 
 short space of time. 
 
 This wedding threw the first entirely into the shade, and 
 when Gregory and Kate rode down to the railroad station, 
 there was scarce a dozen persons present to gaze at them, 
 the great bulk of the villagers being occupied in hunting 
 up Jasper Millikins, in hope of obtaining a speech from 
 him. 
 
 So Kate and Gregory went away, accompanied by Fred 
 and Lilly, and taking Pompey, who will travel with them 
 and attend to their wants ; and I, Paul, am left alone and 
 sad, this Christmas night, within the old stone house, 
 
 DOWN IN THE VALLEY. 
 
 THE END.
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY 
 
 Los Angeles 
 This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. 
 
 1 - - ? 1385
 
 
 <\\F I NIVFR?/; 
 
 
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