THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 BEQUEST 
 
 OF 
 
 ANITA D. S. BLAKE 
 
MUDFOG PAPERS 
 
 AND OTHER CONTRIBUTIONS. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED 
 
 BY 
 
 GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 
 
 EXTRACTED FROM 
 
 BENTLEY'S MISCELLANY, 
 1837-1838. 
 
BENTLEY'S 
 
 MISCELLANY. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON: 
 RICHARD BENTLEY, 
 
 NEW BURLINGTON STREET. 
 1837. 
 
LONDON : 
 PRINTED BY SAMUEL BENTLEY, 
 
 Dorset Street, Fleet Street. 
 
EDITORS ADDRESS 
 
 ON THE COMPLETION OF THE 
 FIRST VOLUME. 
 
 At the end of a theatrical season it is customary for 
 the manager to step forward, and, in as few words as 
 may be, to say how very much obliged he feels for all 
 past favours, and how very ready he is to incur fresh 
 obligations. 
 
 With a degree of candour which few managers would 
 display, we cheerfully confess that we have been fairly 
 inundated with orders during our six months' campaign ; 
 but so liberal are we, notwithstanding, that we place 
 many of the very first authors of the day on our free 
 list, and invite them to write for our establishment just 
 as much paper as they think proper. 
 
 We have produced a great variety of novelties, some 
 of which we humbly hope may become stock pieces, and 
 all of which we may venture to say have been most suc- 
 cessful ; and, although we are not subject to the control 
 of a licenser, we have eschewed everything political, 
 personal, or ill-natured, with perhaps as much care as 
 we could possibly have shown, even had we been under 
 the watchful eye of the Lord Chamberlain himself. 
 
 We shall open our Second Volume, ladies and gentle- 
 men, on the first day of July, One thousand eight hun- 
 
IV ADDRESS. 
 
 dred and thirty-seven, when we shall have the pleasure 
 of submitting a great variety of entirely new pieces for 
 your judgment and approval. The company will be 
 numerous, first-rate, and complete. The scenery will 
 continue to be supplied by the creative pencil of Mr. 
 George Cruikshank; the whole of the extensive and 
 beautiful machinery will be, as heretofore, under the 
 immediate superintendence of Mr. Samuel Bentley, of 
 Dorset-street, Fleet-street ; and Mr. Richard Bentley, of 
 New Burlington-street, has kindly consented to preside 
 over the Treasury department, where he has already 
 conducted himself with uncommon ability. 
 
 The stage management will again be confided, ladies 
 and gentlemen, to the humble individual with the short 
 name, who has now the honour to address you, and who 
 hopes, for very many years to come, to appear before you 
 in the same capacity. Permit him to add in sober 
 seriousness, that it has been the constant and unremit- 
 ting endeavour of himself and the proprietor to render 
 this undertaking worthy of your patronage. That they 
 have not altogether failed in their attempt, its splendid 
 success sufficiently demonstrates ; that they have no in- 
 tention of relaxing in their efforts, its future Volumes 
 we trust will abundantly testify. 
 
 " BOZ." 
 
 London, 
 June, 1837. 
 
BENTLEY'S MISCELLANY. 
 
 OUR SONG OF THE MONTH. 
 No. I. 3)amiarg, 1837. 
 
 The Bottle of St. Januarius. 
 
 I. 
 
 In the land of the citron and myrtle, we 're told 
 
 That the blood of a martyr is kept in a phial, 
 Which, though all the year round, it lie torpid and cold, 
 
 Yet grasp but the crystal, 'twill warm the first trial... 
 Be it fiction or truth, with your favourite fact, 
 
 O, profound Lazzaroni ! I seek not to quarrel; 
 But indulge an old priest who would simply extract 
 
 From your legend, a lay — from your martyr, a moral. 
 
 II. 
 
 Lo ! with icicled beard Januarius comes ! 
 
 And the blood in his veins is all frozen and gelid, 
 And he beareth a bottle ; but torpor benumbs 
 
 Every limb of the saint :-— Would ye wish to dispel it ? 
 With the hand of good-fellowship grasp the hoar sage — 
 
 Soon his joints will relax and his pulse will beat quicker ; 
 Grasp the bottle he brings — 'twill grow warm, I '11 engage, 
 
 Till the frost of each heart lies dissolved in the liquor ! 
 
 Probatum est. P. Prout. 
 
 Water-grass-iuli,, Kul. Januarii. 
 
PROLOGUE. 
 
 For us, and our Miscellany, 
 Here stooping to your clemency, 
 We beg your heaving patiently. 
 
 Siiaksfeare, icith a difference. 
 
 " Doctor," said a young gentleman to Dean Swift, " I intend 
 to set up for a wit." 
 
 " Then," said the Doctor, " I advise you to sit down again." 
 
 The anecdote is unratified by a name, for the young gentle- 
 man continues to the present day to be anonymous, as he will, 
 in all probability, continue to future time; and as for Dean 
 Swift, his name, being merely that of a wit by profession, 
 goes for nothing. We apprehend that the tale is not much 
 better than what is to be read in the pages of Joe Miller. 
 
 But, supposing it true, — and the joke is quite bad enough to 
 be authentic, — we must put in our plea that it is not to apply 
 to us. The fact is absolutely undeniable that we originally ad- 
 vertised ourselves or rather our work as, the "Wits' Miscellany," 
 — thereby indicating, beyond all doubt, that we of the Mis- 
 cellany were Wits. It is our firm hope that the public, which 
 is in general a most tender-hearted individual, will not give us a 
 rebuff similar to that which the unnamed young gentleman ex- 
 perienced at the hands, or the tongue, of the implacable Dean of 
 St. Patrick. 
 
 It has been frequently remarked, — and indeed we have more 
 than fifty times experienced the fact ourselves, — that of all the 
 stupid dinner-parties, by far the stupidest is that at which the 
 cleverest men in all the world do congregate. A single lion is a 
 pleasant show : he wags his tail in proper order ; his teeth are 
 displayed in due course; his hide is systematically admired, 
 and his mane fitly appreciated. If he roars, good ! — if he 
 aggravates his voice to the note of a sucking-dove, better ! All 
 look on in the appropriate mood of delight, as Theseus and 
 Hippolita, enraptured at the dramatic performance of Snug the 
 Joiner. But when there comes a menagerie of lions, the case is 
 altered. Too much familiarity, as the lawyers say in their pe- 
 culiar jargon, begets contempt. We recollect, many years ago, 
 when some ingenious artist in Paris proposed to make Brussels 
 lace or blonde by machinery at the rate of a sou per ell, to have 
 congratulated a lady of our acquaintance on this important 
 
PROLOGUE. 3 
 
 saving in the main expenditure of the fair sex. " You will 
 have," said we, " a cap which now costs four hundred francs for 
 less than fifty. Think of that !" 
 
 " Think of that !" said the countess, casting upon us the 
 darkest expression of indignation that her glowing eyes [and 
 what eyes they were ! — but no matter] could let loose, — " think 
 of that, indeed ! Do you think that I should ever wear such 
 rags as are to be bought for fifty francs ?" 
 
 There was no arguing the matter : it was useless to say that 
 the fifty-franc article, if the plan had succeeded, (which, how- 
 ever, it did not,) would have been precisely and in every thread 
 the same as that set down at five hundred. The crowd of fine 
 things generated by cheapness, in general, was quite enough to 
 dim the finery of any portion of them in particular. 
 
 We are much afraid that we run somewhat loose of our ori- 
 ginal design in these rambling remarks. But it is always easy 
 to come back to the starting-post. Abandoning metaphor and 
 figure of all kinds, we were endeavouring to express our con- 
 viction, drawn from experience, that a company of professed 
 wits might be justly suspected to be a dull concern. Every 
 man is on the alert to guard against surprise. 
 
 Through all the seven courses laid down, 
 
 Each jester looks sour on his brother ; 
 The wit dreads the punster's renown, 
 
 The buffoon tries the mimic to smother : 
 He who shines in the sharp repartee 
 
 Envies him who can yarn a droll story ; 
 And the jolly bass voice in a glee 
 
 Will think your adagio but snory. 
 
 This is, we admit at once, and in anticipation of the reader's 
 already expressed opinion, a very poor imitation of the opening 
 song of the Beggar's Opera. 
 
 If this melancholy fact of the stupidity of congregated wits 
 be admitted to be true, the question comes irresistibly, thrown 
 in our faces in the very language of the street, " Who are you ? 
 Have not you advertised yourselves as wits, and can you escape 
 from the soft-headed impeachment ?" We reply nothing ; we 
 stand mute. It will be our time this day twelvemonths to offer 
 to the pensive public a satisfactory replication to that somewhat 
 personal interrogatory. Yet — 
 
 Having in our minds, and the interior sensoria of our con- 
 sciences, some portion of modesty yet lingering behind — how 
 small that portion may be is best known to those who have cam- 
 paigned for a few years upon the press, and thence learned the 
 diffident mildness which naturally adheres to the pursuit of en- 
 lightening the public mind, and advancing the march of general 
 intellect ; — possessed, we say, of that quantity of retiring bashful- 
 
 b 2 
 
4 PROLOGUE. 
 
 ness, it is undeniable that, like one of the Passions in Collins's 
 Ode, — we forget which, but we fear it is Fear, — we, after show- 
 ing forth in the best public instructors as the Wits' Miscel- 
 lany, 
 
 Back recoiled, 
 Scared at the sound ourselves had made. 
 
 To this resolution we were also led by the fact, that such a 
 title would altogether exclude from our pages contributions of 
 great merit — which, although exhibiting comic faculty, would 
 also deal with the shadows of human life, and sound the deep 
 wells of the heart. 
 
 We agreed that the work should not be called "The Wits 1 " any 
 longer. We massacred the title as ruthlessly as ever were mas- 
 sacred its namesakes in Holland: and, agreeing to an emendatio, 
 we now sail under the title of our worthy publisher, which 
 happens to be the same as that of him who is by all viri 
 clarissimi adopted as criticorum longl doctissimus, Ricardus 
 Bentleius ; or, to drop Latin lore — Richard Bentley. 
 
 Here then, ladies and gentlemen, we introduce to your special 
 and particular notice 
 
 BENTLEY'S MISCELLANY. 
 
 What may be in the Miscellany it is your business to find out. 
 Here lie the goods, warehoused, bonded, ticketed, and labelled, 
 at your service. You have only, with the Genius in the Arabian 
 Nights' Entertainments, to cry, " Fish, fish, do your duty ;" 
 and if they are under-cooked or over-cooked, if the seasoning is 
 too high or the fire too low, if they be burnt on one side and 
 raw on the other, — why, gentle readers, it is your business to 
 complain. All we have to say here, is, that we have made our 
 haul in the best fishing-grounds, and, if we were ambitious of 
 pun-making, we might add, that we had well baited our hooks — 
 caught some choice souls — flung our lines into right places — and 
 so forth, as might easily be expanded by the students of Mr. 
 Commissioner Dubois's art of punning made easy. 
 
 What we propose is simply this : — We do not envy the fame 
 or glory of other monthly publications. Let them all have their 
 room. We do not desire to jostle them in their course to 
 fame or profit, even if it was in our power to do so. One may 
 revel in the unmastered fun and the soul-touching feeling of 
 Wilson, the humour of Hamilton, the dry jocularity and the or- 
 namented poetry of Moir, the pathos of Warren, the tender sen- 
 timent of Caroline Bowles, the eloquence of Croly, and the 
 Tory brilliancy of half a hundred contributors zealous in the 
 cause of Conservatism. Another may shake our sides with the 
 drolleries of Gilbert Gurney and his fellows, poured forth from 
 
PROLOGUE. 5 
 
 the inexhaustible reservoir of the wit of our contributor Theo- 
 dore Hook, — captivate or agitate us by the Hibernian Tales of 
 Mrs. Hall, — or rouse the gentlest emotions by the fascinating prose 
 or delicious verse of our fairest of collaborateuses Miss Lan- 
 don. In a third we must admire the polyglot facetiae of our 
 own Father Prout, and the delicate appreciation of the classical 
 and elegant which pervades the writings of the Greek-thought- 
 ed Chapman ; while its rough drollery, its bold bearing, its 
 mirth, its learning, its courage, and its caricatures, (when, 
 confined to the harmless and the mirth-provoking, they abs- 
 tain from invading the sanctuary of private life,) are all de- 
 serving of the highest applause, though we should be some- 
 what sorry to stand in the way of receiving the consequences 
 which they occasionally entail. Elsewhere, what can be better 
 than Marryat, Peter Simple, Jacob Faithful, Midshipman Easy, 
 or whatever other title pleases his ear ; a Smollett of the sea 
 revived, equal to the Doctor in wit, and somewhat purged of his 
 grossness. In short, to all our periodical contemporaries we 
 wish every happiness and success ; and for those among their 
 contributors whose writing's tend to amuse or instruct, — and 
 many among them there are to whom such praise may be justly 
 applied, — we feel the highest honour and respect. We wish 
 that we could catch them all, to illuminate our pages, without 
 any desire whatever that their rays should be withdrawn from 
 those in which they are at present shining. 
 
 Our path is single and distinct. In the first place, we have 
 nothing to do with politics. We are so far Conservatives as to 
 wish that all things which are good and honourable for our na- 
 tive country should be preserved with jealous hand. We are 
 so far Reformers as to desire that every weed which defaces our 
 conservatory should be unsparingly plucked up and cast away. 
 But is it a matter of absolute necessity that people's political opi- 
 nions should be perpetually obtruded upon public notice? Is there 
 not something more in the world to be talked about than Whig 
 and Tory ? We do not quarrel with those who find or make it 
 their vocation to show us annually, or quarterly, or hebdoma- 
 dally, or diurnally, how we are incontestably saved or ruined ; 
 they have chosen their line of walk, and a pleasant one no 
 doubt it is ; but, for our softer feet may it not be permitted 
 to pick out a smoother and a greener promenade, — a path of 
 springy turf and odorous sward, in which no rough pebble will 
 lacerate the ancle, no briery thorn penetrate the wandering 
 sole ? 
 
 Truce, however, to prefacing. We well know that speech- 
 making never yet won an election, because something more 
 tangible than speechifying is requisite. So it is with books; 
 and, indeed, so is it with every thing else in the world. We 
 must be judged by our works. We have only one petition to 
 
6 
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 make, which is put in with all due humility, — it is this — that we 
 are not to be pre-judged by this our first attempt. Nothing 
 is more probable than that many of our readers, and they fair- 
 goino- people too, will think this number a matter not at all to 
 be commended ; and we, with perfect modesty, suggest, on the 
 other side, the propriety of their suspending their opinion as 
 
 to our demerits until they see the next. And then And 
 
 then ! Well ! — what then ? Why, we do not know : and, as 
 it is generally ruled, that, when a man cannot speak, he is bound 
 to sing, we knock ourselves down for a song. 
 
 <&uv t&vening ttfjaunt 
 
 Come round and hear, my public dear, 
 Come hear, and judge it gently, — 
 
 The prose so terse, and flowing verse, 
 Of us, the wits of Bentley. 
 
 ii. 
 
 We offer not intricate plot 
 To muse upon intently ; 
 
 No tragic word, no bloody sword, 
 Shall stain the page of Bentley. 
 
 Tory and Whig, in accents big, 
 
 May wrangle violently : 
 Their party rage shan't stain the page- 
 
 The neutral page of Bentley. 
 
 VII. 
 
 The scribe whose pen is mangling men 
 
 And women pestilently, 
 May take elsewhere his wicked ware, — 
 
 He finds no mart in Bentley. 
 
 The tender song which all day long 
 
 Resounds so sentiment'ly, 
 Through wood and grove all full of love, 
 
 Will find no place in Bentley. 
 
 It pains us not to mark the spot 
 Where Dan may find his rent lie ; 
 
 The Glasgow chiel may shout for Peel, 
 W T e know them not in Bentley. 
 
 Nor yet the speech which fain would 
 teach 
 
 All nations eloquently; — 
 Tis quite too grand for us the bland 
 
 And modest men of BentleY- 
 
 Those who admire a merry lyre, — 
 Those who would hear attent'ly 
 
 A tale of wit, or flashing hit, — 
 Are ask'd to come to Bentley. 
 
 x. 
 
 For science deep no line we keep, 
 We speak it reverently ; — 
 
 From sign to sign the sun may shine, 
 Untelescoped by Bentley. 
 
 Our hunt will be for grace and glee, 
 Where thickest may the scent lie; 
 
 At slashing pace begins the chase — 
 Now for the burst of Bentley. 
 
49 
 
 PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE, 
 
 ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG. 
 
 Mudfog is a pleasant town — a remarkably pleasant town — 
 situated in a charming hollow by the side of a river, from which 
 river, Mudfog derives an agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and 
 rope-yarn, a roving population in oil-skin hats, a pretty steady 
 influx of drunken bargemen, and a great many other maritime 
 advantages. There is a good deal of water about Mudfog, 
 and yet it is not exactly the sort of town for a watering-place, 
 either. Water is a perverse sort of element at the best of times, 
 and in Mudfog it is particularly so. In winter, it comes oozing 
 down the streets and tumbling over the fields, — nay, rushes into 
 the very cellars and kitchens of the houses, with a lavish prodi- 
 gality that might well be dispensed with ; but in the hot sum- 
 mer weather it ivill dry up, and turn green : and, although 
 green is a very good colour in its way, especially in grass, still it 
 certainly is not becoming to water ; and it cannot be denied that 
 the beauty of Mudfog is rather impaired, even by this trifling 
 circumstance. Mudfog is a healthy place — very healthy ; — 
 damp, perhaps, but none the worse for that. It 's quite a mis- 
 take to suppose that damp is unwholesome : plants thrive best in 
 damp situations, and why shouldn't men ? The inhabitants of 
 Mudfog are unanimous in asserting that there exists not a finer 
 race of people on the face of the earth ; here we have an in- 
 disputable and veracious contradiction of the vulgar error at 
 once. So, admitting Mudfog to be damp, we distinctly state 
 that it is salubrious. 
 
 The town of Mudfog is extremely picturesque. Limehouse 
 and Ratcliffe Highway are both something like it, but they give 
 you a very faint idea of Mudfog. There are a great many 
 more public-houses in Mudfog, — more than in Ratcliffe High- 
 way and Limehouse put together. The public buildings, too, 
 are very imposing. We consider the Town-hall one of the 
 finest specimens of shed architecture, extant : it is a combination 
 of the pig-sty and tea-garden-box, orders; and the simplicity of its 
 design is of surpassing beauty. The idea of placing a large 
 window on one side of the door, and a small one on the other, is 
 particularly happy. There is a fine bold Doric beauty, too, 
 about the padlock and scraper, which is strictly in keeping with 
 the general effect. 
 
 In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog 
 assemble together in solemn council for the public weal. 
 Seated on the massive wooden benches, which, with the table in 
 the centre, form the only furniture of the whitewashed apart- 
 ment, the sage men of Mudfog spend hour after hour in grave 
 deliberation. Here they settle at what hour of the night the 
 
50 PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 
 
 public-houses shall be closed, at what hour of the morning they 
 shall be permitted to open, how soon it shall be lawful for people 
 to eat their dinner on church-days, and other great political 
 questions ; and sometimes, long after silence has fallen on the 
 town, and the distant lights from the shops and houses have 
 ceased to twinkle, like far-off stars, to the sight of the boatmen 
 on the river, the illumination in the two unequal-sized windows 
 of the town-hall, warns the inhabitants of Mudfog that its little 
 body of legislators, like a larger and better-known body of the 
 same genus, a great deal more noisy, and not a whit more pro- 
 found, are patriotically dozing away in company, far into the 
 night, for their country's good. 
 
 Among this knot of sage and learned men, no one was so emi- 
 nently distinguished, during many years, for the quiet modesty 
 of his appearance and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the 
 well-known coal-dealer. However exciting the subject of dis- 
 cussion, however animated the tone of the debate, or however 
 warm the personalities exchanged, (and even in Mudfog we get 
 personal sometimes,) Nicholas Tulrumble was always the same. 
 To say truth, Nicholas, being an industrious man, and always 
 up betimes, was apt to fall asleep when a debate began, and to 
 remain asleep till it was over, when he would wake up very 
 much refreshed, and give his vote with the greatest compla- 
 cency. The fact was, that Nicholas Tulrumble, knowing that 
 everybody there, had made up his mind beforehand, considered 
 the talking as just a long botheration about nothing at all ; and 
 to the present hour it remains a question, whether, on this point 
 at all events, Nicholas Tulrumble was not pretty near right. 
 
 Time, which strews a man's head with silver, sometimes fills 
 his pockets with gold. As he gradually performed one good 
 office for Nicholas Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not to 
 omit the other. Nicholas began life in a wooden tenement of 
 four feet square, with a capital of two and ninepence, and a 
 stock in trade of three bushels and a-half of coals, exclusive of 
 the large lump which hung, by way of sign-board, outside. 
 Then he enlarged the shed, and kept a truck ; then he left the 
 shed, and the truck too, and started a donkey and a Mrs. Tul- 
 rumble ; then he moved again and set up a cart ; the cart was 
 soon afterwards exchanged for a waggon ; and so he went on, 
 like his great predecessor Whittington — only without a cat for 
 a partner — increasing in wealth and fame, until at last he gave 
 up business altogether, and retired with Mrs. Tulrumble and 
 family to Mudfog Hall, which he had himself erected, on some- 
 thing which he endeavoured to delude himself into the belief 
 was a hill, about a quarter of a mile distant from the town of 
 Mudfog. 
 
 About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that 
 Nicholas Tulrumble was growing vain and haughty ; that pro- 
 sperity and success had corrupted the simplicity of his manners, 
 
PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 51 
 
 and tainted the natural goodness of his heart ; in short, that he 
 was setting up for a public character, and a great gentleman, 
 and affected to look down upon his old companions with com- 
 passion and contempt. Whether these reports were at the time 
 well-founded, or not, certain it is that Mrs. Tulrumble very 
 shortly afterwards started a four-wheel chaise, driven by a tall 
 postilion in a yellow cap, — that Mr. Tulrumble junior took to 
 smoking cigars, and calling the footman a " feller," — and that 
 Mr. Tulrumble from that time forth, was no more seen in his old 
 seat in the chimney-corner of the Lighterman's Arms at night. 
 This looked bad ; but, more than this, it began to be observed 
 that Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble attended the corporation meet- 
 ings more frequently than heretofore ; that he no longer went to 
 sleep as he had done for so many years, but propped his eyelids 
 open with his two fore-fingers ; that he read the newspapers by 
 himself at home ; and that he was in the habit of indulging 
 abroad in distant and mysterious allusions to " masses of peo- 
 ple," and "the property of the country, 1 "'" and "productive 
 power," and "the monied interest:" all of which denoted and 
 proved that Nicholas Tulrumble was either mad, or worse ; and 
 it puzzled the good people of Mudfog amazingly. 
 
 At length, about the middle of the month of October, Mr. 
 Tulrumble and family went up to London ; the middle of October 
 being, as Mrs. Tulrumble informed her acquaintance in Mud- 
 fog, the very height of the fashionable season. 
 
 Somehow or other, just about this time, despite the health- 
 preserving air of Mudfog, the Mayor died. It was a most ex- 
 traordinary circumstance ; he had lived in Mudfog for eighty- 
 five years. The corporation didn't understand it at all ; indeed 
 it was with great difficulty that one old gentleman, who was a 
 great stickler for forms, was dissuaded from proposing a vote of 
 censure on such unaccountable conduct. Strange as it was, 
 however, die he did, without taking the slightest notice of the 
 corporation ; and the corporation were imperatively called upon 
 to elect his successor. So, they met for the purpose ; and being 
 very full of Nicholas Tulrumble just then, and Nicholas Tul- 
 rumble being a very important man, they elected him, and wrote 
 off to London by the very next post to acquaint Nicholas Tul- 
 rumble with his new elevation. 
 
 Now, it being November time, and Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble 
 being in the capital, it fell out that he was present at the Lord 
 Mayor's show and dinner, at sight of the glory and splendour 
 whereof, he, Mr. Tulrumble, was greatly mortified, inasmuch as 
 the reflection would force itself on his mind, that, had he been 
 born in London instead of in Mudfog, he might have been a 
 Lord Mayor too, and have patronised the judges, and been 
 affable to the Lord Chancellor, and friendly with the Premier, 
 and coldly condescending to the Secretary to the Treasury, and 
 have dined with a flag behind his back, and done a great many 
 
 e 2 
 
52 PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 
 
 other acts and deeds which unto Lord Mayors of London pecu- 
 liarly appertain. The more he thought of the Lord Mayor, the 
 more enviable a personage he seemed. To be a King was all 
 very well ; but what was the King to the Lord Mayor ! When 
 the King made a speech, everybody knew it was somebody else's 
 writing ; whereas here was the Lord Mayor, talking away for 
 half an hour — all out of his own head — amidst the enthusiastic 
 applause of the whole company, while it was notorious that the 
 King might talk to his parliament till he was black in the face 
 without getting so much as a single cheer. As all these reflec- 
 tions passed through the mind of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, the 
 Lord Mayor of London appeared to him the greatest sovereign 
 on the face of the earth, beating the Emperor of Russia all to 
 nothing, and leaving the Great Mogul immeasurably behind. 
 
 Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, 
 and inwardly cursing the fate which had pitched his coal-shed 
 in Mudfog, when the letter of the corporation was put into his 
 hand. A crimson flush mantled over his face as he read it, for 
 visions of brightness were already dancing before his imagination. 
 
 " My dear," said Mr. Tulrumble to his wife, " they have 
 elected me, Mayor of Mudfog." 
 
 " Lor-a-mussy !" said Mrs. Tulrumble : " why, what's become 
 of old Sniggs ?" 
 
 " The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble," said Mr. Tulrumble 
 sharply, for he by no means approved of the notion of uncere- 
 moniously designating a gentleman who had filled the high 
 office of Mayor, as " old Sniggs," — " The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. 
 Tulrumble, is dead." 
 
 The communication was very unexpected ; but Mrs. Tulrum- 
 ble only ejaculated " Lor-a-mussy !" once again, as if a Mayor 
 were a mere ordinary Christian, at which Mr. Tulrumble frowned 
 gloomily. 
 
 " What a pity 'tan't in London, ain't it ?" said Mrs. Tul- 
 rumble, after a short pause ; " what a pity 'tan't in London, 
 where you might have had a show." 
 
 " I might have a show in Mudfog, if I thought proper, I 
 apprehend," said Mr. Tulrumble mysteriously. 
 
 " Lor ! so you might, I declare," replied Mrs. Tulrumble. 
 
 " And a good one, too," said Mr. Tulrumble. 
 
 " Delightful !" exclaimed Mrs. Tulrumble. 
 
 " One which would rather astonish the ignorant people down 
 there," said Mr. Tulrumble. 
 
 " It would kill them with envy," said Mrs. Tulrumble. 
 
 So it was agreed that his Majesty's lieges in Mudfog should 
 be astonished with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, and 
 that such a show should take place as had never been seen in 
 that town, or in any other town before, — no, not even in Lon- 
 don itself. 
 
 On the very next day after the receipt of the letter, down came 
 
PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 53 
 
 the tall postilion in a post-chaise, — not upon one of the horses, 
 but inside — actually inside the chaise, — and, driving up to the 
 very door of the town-hall, where the corporation were assembled, 
 delivered a letter, written by the Lord knows who, and signed by 
 Nicholas Tulrumble, in which Nicholas said, all through four 
 sides of closely- written, gilt-edged, hot-pressed, Bath post letter- 
 paper, that he responded to the call of his fellow-townsmen 
 with feelings of heartfelt delight ; that he accepted the arduous 
 office which their confidence had imposed upon him ; that they 
 would never find him shrinking from the discharge of his duty ; 
 that he would endeavour to execute his functions with all that 
 dignity which their magnitude and importance demanded ; and 
 a great deal more to the same effect. But even this was not all. 
 The tall postilion produced from his right-hand top-boot, a 
 damp copy of that afternoon's number of the county paper ; 
 and there, in large type, running the whole length of the very 
 first column, was a long address from Nicholas Tulrumble to 
 the inhabitants of Mudfog, in which he said that he cheerfully 
 complied with their requisition, and, in short, as if to prevent 
 any mistake about the matter, told them over again what a 
 grand fellow he meant to be, in very much the same terms as 
 those in which he had already told them all about the matter in 
 his letter. 
 
 The corporation stared at one another very hard at all this, 
 and then looked as if for explanation to the tall postilion, but as 
 the tall postilion was intently contemplating the gold tassel on 
 the top of his yellow cap, and could have afforded no explana- 
 tion whatever, even if his thoughts had been entirely disengaged, 
 they contented themselves with coughing very dubiously, and 
 looking very grave. The tall postilion then delivered another 
 letter, in which Nicholas Tulrumble informed the corporation, 
 that he intended repairing to the town-hall, in grand state and 
 gorgeous procession, on the Monday afternoon then next ensu- 
 ing. At this, the corporation looked still more solemn ; but, as 
 the epistle wound up with a formal invitation to the whole body 
 to dine with the Mayor on that day, at Mudfog Hall, Mudfog 
 Hill, Mudfog, they began to see the fun of the thing directly, 
 and sent back their compliments, and they 'd be sure to come. 
 
 Now there happened to be in Mudfog, as somehow or other 
 there does happen to be, in almost every town in the British do- 
 minions, and perhaps in foreign dominions too — we think it very 
 likely, but, being no great traveller, cannot distinctly say — 
 there happened to be, in Mudfog a merry-tempered, pleasant- 
 faced, good-for-nothing sort of vagabond, with an invincible dis- 
 like to manual labour, and an unconquerable attachment to 
 strong beer and spirits, whom everybody knew, and nobody, 
 except his wife, took the trouble to quarrel with, who inherited 
 from his ancestors the appellation of Edward Twigger, and re- 
 joiced in the sobriquet of Bottle-nosed Ned. He was drunk 
 
5i PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 
 
 upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an equally fair 
 calculation once a month ; and when he was penitent, he was 
 invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication. He 
 was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, 
 a sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his hand to any- 
 thing when he chose to do it. He was by no means opposed to 
 hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket- 
 match by the day together, — running, and catching, and batting, 
 and bowling, and revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley- 
 slave. He would have been invaluable to a fire-office ; never 
 was a man with such a natural taste for pumping engines, run- 
 ning up ladders, and throwing furniture out of two-pair-of- 
 stairs' windows : nor was this the only element in which he was 
 at home ; he was a humane society in himself, a portable drag, 
 an animated life-preserver, and had saved more people, in his 
 time, from drowning, than the Plymouth life-boat, or Captain 
 Manby's apparatus. With all these qualifications, notwith- 
 standing his dissipation, Bottle-nosed Ned was a general fa- 
 vourite ; and the authorities of Mudfog, remembering his nu- 
 merous services to the population, allowed him in return to get 
 drunk in his own way, without the fear of stocks, fine, or im- 
 prisonment. He had a general licence, and he showed his sense 
 of the compliment by making the most of it. 
 
 We have been thus particular in describing the character and 
 avocations of Bottle-nosed Ned, because it enables us to intro- 
 duce a fact politely, without hauling it into the reader's pre- 
 sence with indecent haste by the head and shoulders, and brings 
 us very naturally to relate, that on the very same evening on 
 which Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble and family returned to Mudfog, 
 Mr. Tulrumble's new secretary, just imported from London, 
 with a pale face and light whiskers, thrust his head down to 
 the very bottom of his neckcloth-tie, in at the tap-room door 
 of the Lighterman's Arms, and enquiring whether one Ned 
 Twigger was luxuriating within, announced himself as the 
 bearer of a message from Nicholas Tulrumble, Esquire, re- 
 quiring Mr. Twigger's immediate attendance at the hall, on pri- 
 vate and particular business. It being by no means Mr. Twig- 
 ger's interest to affront the Mayor, he rose from the fire-place 
 with a slight sigh, and followed the light- whiskered secretary 
 through the dirt and wet of Mudfog streets, up to Mudfog Hall, 
 without further ado. 
 
 Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with a 
 skylight, which he called his library, sketching out a plan of the 
 procession on a large sheet of paper ; and into the cavern the se- 
 cretary ushered Ned Twigger. 
 
 " Well,Twigger !" said Nicholas Tulrumble, condescendingly. 
 
 There was a time when Twigger would have replied, " Well, 
 Nick !" but that was in the days of the truck, and a couple of 
 years before the donkey ; so, he only bowed. 
 
PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 55 
 
 " I want you to go into training, Twigger/' said Mr. Tul- 
 rumble. 
 
 " What for, sir ?" enquired Ned, with a stare. 
 
 " Hush, hush, Twigger !" said the Mayor. " Shut the door, 
 Mr. Jennings. Look here, Twigger." 
 
 As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and dis- 
 closed a complete suit of brass armour, of gigantic dimensions. 
 
 " I want you to wear this, next Monday, Twigger," said the 
 Mayor. 
 
 " Bless your heart and soul, sir !" replied Ned, " you might 
 as well ask me to wear a seventy-four pounder, or a cast-iron 
 boiler." 
 
 " Nonsense, Twigger ! nonsense !" said the Mayor. 
 
 " I couldn't stand under it, sir," said Twigger ; " it would 
 make mashed potatoes of me, if I attempted it." 
 
 " Pooh, pooh, Twigger !" returned the Mayor. " I tell you 
 I have seen it done with my own eyes, in London, and the man 
 wasn't half such a man as you are, either." 
 
 " I should as soon have thought of a man's wearing the case 
 of an eight-day clock to save his linen," said Twigger, casting 
 a look of apprehension at the brass suit. 
 
 " It 's the easiest thing in the world," rejoined the Mayor. 
 
 U It 's nothing," said Mr. Jennings. 
 
 u When you "re used to it," added Ned. 
 
 " You do it by degrees," said the Mayor. " You would be- 
 gin with one piece to-morrow, and two the next day, and so on, 
 till you had got it all on. Mr. Jennings, give Twigger a glass 
 of rum. Just try the breast-plate, Twigger. Stay ; take an- 
 other glass of rum first. Help me to lift it, Mr. Jennings. 
 Stand firm, Twigger ! There ! — it isn't half as heavy as it looks, 
 
 is it r 
 
 Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow ; so, after a great 
 deal of staggering, he managed to keep himself up, under the 
 breast-plate, and even contrived, with the aid of another glass of 
 rum, to walk about in it, and the gauntlets into the bargain. He 
 made a trial of the helmet, but was not equally successful, inas- 
 much as he tipped over instantly, — an accident which Mr. Tul- 
 rumble clearly demonstrated to be occasioned by his not having 
 a counteracting weight of brass on his legs. 
 
 " Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next," 
 said Tulrumble, " and I '11 make your fortune." 
 
 M I '11 try what I can do, sir," said Twigger. 
 
 " It must be kept a profound secret," said Tulrumble. 
 
 " Of course, sir," replied Twigger. 
 
 " And you must be sober," said Tulrumble ; " perfectly 
 sober." 
 
 Mr. Twigger at once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober 
 as a judge, and Nicholas Tulrumble was satisfied, although, 
 had we been Nicholas, we should certainly have exacted some pro- 
 
56 PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 
 
 mise of a more specific nature ; inasmuch as, having attended the 
 Mudfog assizes in the evening more than once, we can solemn- 
 ly testify to having seen judges with very strong symptoms of 
 dinner under their wigs. However, that's neither here nor there. 
 
 The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, 
 Ned Twigger was securely locked up in the small cavern with 
 the skylight, hard at work at the armour. With every addi- 
 tional piece he could manage to stand upright in, he had an ad- 
 ditional glass of rum ; and at last, after many partial suffoca- 
 tions, he contrived to get on the whole suit, and to stagger up 
 and down the room in it, like an intoxicated effigy from West- 
 minster Abbey. 
 
 Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble ; never 
 was woman so charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble's wife. Here 
 was a sight for the common people of Mudfog ! A live man in 
 brass armour ! Why, they would go wild with wonder ! 
 
 The day — the Monday — arrived. 
 
 If the morning had been made to order, it couldn't have been 
 better adapted to the purpose. They never showed a better fog 
 in London on Lord Mayor's day, than enwrapped the town of 
 Mudfog on that eventful occasion. It had risen slowly and 
 surely from the green and stagnant water with the first light of 
 morning, until it reached a little above the lamp-post tops ; and 
 there it had stopped, with a sleepy, sluggish obstinacy, which 
 bade defiance to the sun, who had got up very blood-shot about 
 the eyes, as if he had been at a drinking-party over night, and 
 was doing his day's work with the worst possible grace. The 
 thick damp mist hung over the town like a huge gauze curtain. 
 All was dim and dismal. The church-steeples had bidden a 
 temporary adieu to the world below ; and every object of lesser 
 importance — houses, barns, hedges, trees, and barges — had all 
 taken the veil. 
 
 The church-clock struck one. A cracked trumpet from the 
 front-garden of Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as if 
 some asthmatic person had coughed into it accidentally ; the 
 gate flew open, and out came a gentleman, on a moist-sugar co- 
 loured charger, intended to represent a herald, but bearing a 
 much stronger resemblance to a court-card on horseback. This 
 was one of the Circus people, who always came down to Mudfog 
 at that time of the year, and who had been engaged by Nicholas 
 Tulrumble expressly for the occasion. There was the horse, 
 whisking his tail about, balancing himself on his hind-legs, and 
 flourishing away with his fore-feet, in a manner which would 
 have gone to the hearts and souls of any reasonable crowd. But 
 a Mudfog crowd never was a reasonable one, and in all proba- 
 bility never will be. Instead of scattering the very fog with 
 their shouts, as they ought most indubitably to have done, and 
 were fully intended to do, by Nicholas Tulrumble, they no 
 sooner recognised the herald, than they began to growl forth the 
 most unqualified disapprobation at the bare notion of his riding 
 
PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 57 
 
 like any other man. If he had come out on his head indeed, or 
 jumping through a hoop, or flying through a red-hot drum, or 
 even standing on one leg with his other foot in his mouth, they 
 might have had something to say to him ; but for a professional 
 gentleman to sit astride in the saddle, with his feet in the stir- 
 rups, was rather too good a joke. So, the herald was a decided 
 failure, and the crowd hooted with great energy, as he pranced 
 ingloriously away. 
 
 On the procession came. We are afraid to say how many 
 supernumeraries there were, in striped shirts and black vel- 
 vet caps, to imitate the London watermen, or how many base 
 imitations of running-footmen, or how many banners, which, 
 owing to the heaviness of the atmosphere, could by no means be 
 prevailed on to display their inscriptions : still less do we feel 
 disposed to relate how the men who played the wind instru- 
 ments, looking up into the sky (we mean the fog) with musical 
 fervour, walked through pools of water and hillocks of mud, 
 till they covered the powdered heads of the running-footmen 
 aforesaid with splashes, that looked curious, but not ornamental ; 
 or how the barrel-organ performer put on the wrong stop, and 
 played one tune while the band played another ; or how the 
 horses, being used to the arena, and not to the streets, would 
 stand still and dance, instead of going on and prancing ; — all of 
 which are matters which might be dilated upon to great advan- 
 tage, but which we have not the least intention of dilating upon, 
 notwithstanding. 
 
 Oh ! it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold the corpora- 
 tion in glass coaches, provided at the sole cost and charge of 
 Nicholas Tulrumble, coming rolling along, like a funeral out of 
 mourning, and to watch the attempts the corporation made to 
 look great and solemn, when Nicholas Tulrumble himself, in the 
 four-wheel chaise, with the tall postilion, rolled out after them, 
 with Mr. Jennings on one side to look like the chaplain, and a 
 supernumerary on the other, with an old life-guardsman's sabre, 
 to imitate the sword-bearer ; and to see the tears rolling down 
 the faces of the mob as they screamed with merriment. This was 
 beautiful ! and so was the appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble and 
 son, as they bowed with grave dignity out of their coach- window 
 to all the dirty faces that were laughing around them : but it is 
 not even with this that we have to do, but with the sudden stop- 
 ping of the procession at another blast of the trumpet, whereat, 
 and whereupon, a profound silence ensued, and all eyes were 
 turned towards Mudfog Hall, in the confident anticipation of 
 some new wonder. 
 
 " They won't laugh now, Mr. Jennings," said Nicholas Tul- 
 rumble. 
 
 " I think not, sir," said Mr. Jennings. 
 
 " See how eager they look, 1 ' said Nicholas Tulrumble. " Aha ! 
 the laugh will be on our side now ; eh, Mr. Jennings ?" 
 
 " No doubt of that, sir, 1 "' replied Mr. Jennings ; and Nicholas 
 
58 PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 
 
 Tulrumble, in a state of pleasurable excitement, stood up in the 
 four-wheel chaise, and telegraphed gratification to the Mayoress 
 behind. 
 
 While all this was going forward, Ned Twigger had descend- 
 ed into the kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the purpose of indulging 
 the servants with a private view of the curiosity that was to 
 burst upon the town ; and, somehow or other, the footman was 
 so companionable, and the housemaid so kind, and the cook so 
 friendly, that he could not resist the offer of the first-mentioned 
 to sit down and take something — just to drink success to mas- 
 ter in. 
 
 So, down Ned Twigger sat himself in his brass livery on the 
 top of the kitchen- table ; and in a mug of something strong, paid 
 for by the unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by the 
 companionable footman, drank success to the Mayor and his 
 procession ; and, as Ned laid by his helmet to imbibe the some- 
 thing strong, the companionable footman put it on his own head, 
 to the immeasurable and unrecordable delight of the cook and 
 housemaid. The companionable footman was very facetious to 
 Ned, and Ned was very gallant to the cook and housemaid by 
 turns. They were all very cosy and comfortable ; and the some- 
 thing strong went briskly round. 
 
 At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for, by the procession 
 people : and, having had ,his helmet fixed on, in a very compli- 
 cated manner, by the companionable footman, and the kind 
 housemaid, and the friendly cook, he walked gravely forth, and 
 appeared before the multitude. 
 
 The crowd roared — it was not with wonder, it was not with 
 surprise ; it was most decidedly and unquestionably with 
 laughter. 
 
 " What !" said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the four-wheel 
 chaise. " Laughing ? If they laugh at a man in real brass 
 armour, they 'd laugh when their own fathers were dying. 
 Why doesn't he go into his place, Mr. Jennings ? What 's he 
 rolling down towards us for ? — he has no business here !" 
 
 " 1 am afraid, sir " faltered Mr. Jennings. 
 
 " Afraid of what, sir P" said Nicholas Tulrumble, looking up 
 into the secretary's face. 
 
 " I am afraid he 's drunk, sir ;" replied Mr. Jennings. 
 
 Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure 
 that was bearing down upon them ; and then, clasping his secre- 
 tary by the arm, uttered an audible groan in anguish of spirit. 
 
 It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence to 
 demand a single glass of rum on the putting on of every piece 
 of the armour, got, by some means or other, rather out in his 
 calculation in the hurry and confusion of preparation, and drank 
 about four glasses to a piece instead of one, not to mention the 
 something strong which went on the top of it. Whether the brass 
 armour checked the natural flow of perspiration, and thus pre- 
 
PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 59 
 
 vented the spirit from evaporating, we are not scientific enough 
 to know ; but, whatever the cause was, Mr. Twigger no sooner 
 found himself outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than he also 
 found himself in a very considerable state of intoxication ; and 
 hence his extraordinary style of progressing. This was bad 
 enough, but, as if fate and fortune had conspired against 
 Nicholas Tulrumble, Mr. Twigger, not having been penitent 
 for a good calendar month, took it into his head to be most 
 especially and particularly sentimental, just when his repentance 
 could have been most conveniently dispensed with. Immense 
 tears were rolling down his cheeks, and he was vainly endea- 
 vouring to conceal his grief by applying to his eyes a blue cotton 
 pocket-handkerchief with white spots, — an article not strictly in 
 keeping with a suit of armour some three hundred years old, 
 or thereabouts. 
 
 " Twigger, you villain H said Nicholas Tulrumble, quite for- 
 getting his dignity, " go back !" 
 
 " Never, 1 ' said Ned. " 1 'm a miserable wretch. I '11 never 
 leave you." 
 
 The by-standers of course received this declaration with ac- 
 clamations of " That 's right, Ned ; don t f 
 
 " I don't intend it," said Ned, with all the obstinacy of a very 
 tipsy man. " I 'm very unhappy. I 'm the wretched father of 
 an unfortunate family ; but 1 am very faithful, sir. I '11 never 
 leave you." Having reiterated this obliging promise, Ned pro- 
 ceeded in broken words to harangue the crowd upon the num- 
 ber of years he had lived in Mudfog, the excessive respectabi- 
 lity of his character, and other topics of the like nature. 
 
 fc; Here ! will anybody lead him away ?" said Nicholas : " if 
 they '11 call on me afterwards, I '11 reward them well." 
 
 Two or three men stepped forward, with the view of bearing 
 Ned off, when the secretary interposed. 
 
 " Take care ! take care !" said Mr. Jennings. " I beg your 
 pardon, sir ; but they M better not go too near him, because, if 
 he falls over, he 11 certainly crush somebody." 
 
 At this hint the crowd retired on all sides to a very respect- 
 ful distance, and left Ned, like the Duke of Devonshire, in a 
 little circle of his own. 
 
 " But. Mr. Jennings," said Nicholas Tulrumble, " he II be 
 suffocated." 
 
 " I 'm very sorry for it, sir," replied Mr. Jennings ; " but no- 
 body can get that armour off, without his own assistance. I 'm 
 quite certain of it, from the way he put it on." 
 
 Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in a 
 manner that might have touched a heart of stone ; but the crowd 
 had not hearts of stone, and they laughed heartily. 
 
 " Dear me, Mr. Jennings," said Nicholas, turning pale at the 
 possibility of Ned's being smothered in his antique costume — 
 " Dear me, Mr. Jennings, can nothing be done with him ?" 
 
60 PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 
 
 " Nothing at ail," replied Ned, " nothing at all. Gentlemen, 
 I 'm an unhappy wretch. I 'm a body, gentlemen, in a brass 
 coffin."" At this poetical idea of his own conjuring up, Ned 
 cried so much that the people began to get sympathetic, and to 
 ask what Nicholas Tulrumble meant by putting a man into such 
 a machine as that ; and one individual in a hairy waistcoat like 
 the top of a trunk, who had previously expressed his opinion 
 that if Ned hadn't been a poor man, Nicholas wouldn't have 
 dared to do it, hinted at the propriety of breaking the four- 
 wheel chaise, or Nicholas's head, or both, which last compound 
 proposition the crowd seemed to consider a very good notion. 
 
 It was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been 
 broached, when Ned Twigger's wife made her appearance 
 abruptly in the little circle before noticed, and Ned no sooner 
 caught a glimpse of her face and form, than from the mere force 
 of habit he set off towards his home just as fast as his legs would 
 carry him ; and that was not very quick in the present instance 
 either, for, however ready they might have been to carry him, 
 they couldn't get on very well under the brass armour. So, 
 Mrs. Twigger had plenty of time to denounce Nicholas Tulrum- 
 ble to his face : to express her opinion that he was a decided 
 monster ; and to intimate that, if her ill-used husband sustained 
 any personal damage from the brass armour, she would have the 
 law of Nicholas Tulrumble for manslaughter. When she had 
 said all this with due vehemence, she posted after Ned, who was 
 dragging himself along as best he could, and deploring his un- 
 happiness in most dismal tones. 
 
 What a wailing and screaming Ned's children raised when he 
 got home at last ! Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the armour, first 
 in one place, and then in another, but she couldn't manage it ; so 
 she tumbled Ned into bed, helmet, armour, gauntlets, and all. 
 Such a creaking as the bedstead made, under Ned's weight in his 
 new suit ! It didn't break down though ; and there Ned lay, 
 like the anonymous vessel in the Bay of Biscay, till next day, 
 drinking barley-water, and looking miserable : and every time 
 he groaned, his good lady said it served him right, which was 
 all the consolation Ned Twigger got. 
 
 Nicholas Tulrumble and the gorgeous procession went on 
 together to the town-hall, amid the hisses and groans of all the 
 spectators, who had suddenly taken it into their heads to con- 
 sider poor Ned a martyr. Nicholas was formally installed 
 in his new office, in acknowledgment of which ceremony he de- 
 livered himself of a speech, composed by the secretary, which 
 was very long, and no doubt very good, only the noise of the 
 people outside prevented anybody from hearing it, but Nicholas 
 Tulrumble himself. After which, the procession got back to 
 Mudfog jHall any how it could ; and Nicholas and the corpo- 
 ration sat down to dinner. 
 
 But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas was disappointed. 
 
PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. CI 
 
 They were such dull sleepy old fellows, that corporation. 
 Nicholas made quite as long speeches as the Lord Mayor of 
 London had done, nay, he said the very same things that the 
 Lord Mayor of London had said, and the deuce a cheer the 
 corporation gave him. There was only one man in the party 
 who was thoroughly awake; and he was insolent, and called 
 him Nick. Nick ! What would be the consequence, thought 
 Nicholas, of anybody presuming to call the Lord Mayor of 
 London " Nick !" He should like to know what the sword- 
 bearer would say to that ; or the recorder, or the toast-master, or 
 any other of the great officers of the city. They 'd nick him. 
 
 But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble's doings; 
 If they had been, he might have remained a Mayor to this 
 day, and have talked till he lost his voice. He contracted a 
 relish for statistics, and got philosophical ; and the statistics 
 and the philosophy together, led him into an act which increased 
 his unpopularity and hastened his downfall. 
 
 At the very end of the Mudfog High-street, and abutting on 
 the river-side, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned, low- 
 roofed, bay-windowed house, with a bar, kitchen, and tap-room 
 all in one, and a large fire-place with a kettle to correspond, 
 round which the working men have congregated time out of 
 mind on a winter's night, refreshed by draughts of good strong 
 beer, and cheered by the sounds of a fiddle and tambourine : the 
 Jolly Boatmen having been duly licensed by the Mayor and 
 corporation, to scrape the fiddle and thumb the tambourine 
 from time, whereof the memory of the oldest inhabitants 
 goeth not to the contrary. Now Nicholas Tulrumble had been 
 reading pamphlets on crime, and parliamentary reports, — or had 
 made the secretary read them to him, which is the same thing in 
 effect, — and he at once perceived that this fiddle and tambourine 
 must have done more to demoralize Mudfog, than any other 
 operating causes that ingenuity could imagine. So he read up 
 for the subject, and determined to come out on the corporation 
 with a burst, the very next time the licence was applied for. 
 
 The licensing day came, and the red-faced landlord of the 
 Jolly Boatmen, walked into the town-hall, looking as jolly as 
 need be, having actually put on an extra fiddle for that night, 
 to commemorate the anniversary of the Jolly Boatmen's music 
 licence. It was applied for in due form, and was just about to 
 be granted as a matter of course, when up rose Nicholas Tul- 
 rumble, and drowned the astonished corporation in a torrent of 
 eloquence. He descanted in glowing terms upon the increasing 
 depravity of his native town of Mudfog, and the excesses com- 
 mitted by its population. Then, he related how shocked he had 
 been, to see barrels of beer sliding down into the cellar of the 
 Jolly Boatmen week after week ; and how he had sat at a win- 
 dow opposite the Jolly Boatmen for two days together, to count 
 the people who went in for beer between the hours of twelve and 
 
62 PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 
 
 one o'clock alone — which, by-the-bye, was the time at which the 
 great majority of the Mudfog people dined. Then, he went on 
 to state, how the number of people who came out with beer-jugs, 
 averaged twenty-one in five minutes, which, being multiplied by 
 twelve, gave two hundred and fifty-two people with beer-jugs in 
 an hour, and multiplied again by fifteen (the number of hours 
 during which the house was open daily) yielded three thousand 
 seven hundred and eighty people with beer-jugs per day, or 
 twenty-six thousand four hundred and sixty people with beer- 
 jugs, per week. Then he proceeded to show that a tambourine 
 and moral degradation were synonymous terms, and a fiddle and 
 vicious propensities wholly inseparable. All these arguments 
 he strengthened and demonstrated by frequent references to a 
 large book with a blue cover, and sundry quotations from the 
 Middlesex magistrates ; and in the end, the corporation, who 
 were posed with the figures, and sleepy with the speech, and 
 sadly in want of dinner into the bargain, yielded the palm to 
 Nicholas Tulrumble, and refused the music licence to the Jolly 
 Boatmen. 
 
 But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short. 
 He carried on the war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forgetting 
 the time when he was glad to drink out of the one, and to 
 dance to the other, till the people hated, and his old friends 
 shunned him. He grew tired of the lonely magnificence of 
 Mudfog Hall, and his heart yearned towards the Lighterman's 
 Arms. He wished he had never set up as a public man, and 
 sighed for the good old times of the coal-shop, and the chimney- 
 corner. 
 
 At length old Nicholas, being thoroughly miserable, took 
 heart of grace, paid the secretary a quarter's wages in advance, 
 and packed him off to London by the next coach. Having 
 taken this step, he put his hat on his head, and his pride in his 
 pocket, and walked down to the old room at the Lighterman's 
 Arms. There were only two of the old fellows there, and they 
 looked coldly on Nicholas as he proffered his hand. 
 
 " Are you going to put down pipes, Mr. Tulrumble?" said 
 one. 
 
 " Or trace the progress of crime to 'baccer ?" growled the other. 
 
 " Neither," replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking hands with 
 them both, whether they would or not. " I 've come down to 
 say that I 'm very sorry for having made a fool of myself, and 
 that I hope you '11 give me up, the old chair, again." 
 
 The old fellows opened their eyes, and three or four more old 
 fellows opened the door, to whom Nicholas, with tears in his 
 eyes, thrust out his hand too, and told the same story. They 
 raised a shout of joy, that made the bells in the ancient church- 
 tower vibrate again, and wheeling the old chair into the warm 
 corner, thrust old Nicholas down into it, and ordered in the 
 
THE HOT WELLS OF CLIFTON. 63 
 
 very largest-sized bowl of hot punch, with an unlimited number 
 of pipes, directly. 
 
 The next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the 
 next night, old Nicholas and Ned Twigger's wife led off a dance 
 to the music of the fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which 
 seemed mightily improved by a little rest, for they never had 
 played so merrily before. Ned Twigger was in the very height 
 of his glory, and he danced hornpipes, and balanced chairs on 
 his chin, and straws on his nose, till the whole company, in- 
 cluding the corporation, were in raptures of admiration at the 
 brilliancy of his acquirements. 
 
 Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn't make up his mind to be 
 anything but magnificent, so he went up to London and drew 
 bills on his father ; and when he had overdrawn, and got into 
 debt, he grew penitent and came home again. 
 
 As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six 
 weeks of public life, never tried it any more. He went to sleep 
 in the town-hall at the very next meeting ; and, in full proof of 
 his sincerity, has requested us to write this faithful narrative. 
 We wish it could have the effect of reminding the Tulrumbles 
 of another sphere, that puffed-up conceit is not dignity, and that 
 snarling at the little pleasures they were once glad to enjoy, 
 because they would rather forget the times when they were of 
 lower station, renders them objects of contempt and ridicule. 
 
 This is the first time we have published any of our gleanings 
 from this particular source, Perhaps, at some future period, we 
 may venture to open the chronicles of Mudfog. 
 
 Boz. 
 
 THE HOT WELLS OF CLIFTON. 
 
 Scrap, No. II. Water-grass-hill 
 
 The " poems of Ossian," a Celtic bard, and the " rhymes of 
 Rowley," a Bristol priest, burst on the public at one and the 
 same period ; when the attention of literary men was for a time 
 totally absorbed in discussing the respective discoveries of Mac- 
 pherson and of Chatterton. " The fashion of this world passeth 
 away ;" and what once engaged so much notice is now sadly 
 neglected. Indeed, had not Bonaparte taken a fancy to the 
 ravings of the mad highlander, and had not Chatterton swallow- 
 ed oxalic acid, probably far more brief had been the space both 
 would have occupied in the memory of mankind. In the garret 
 of Holborn, where the latter expired, the following morceau was 
 picked up by an Irish housemaid (a native of this parish), who, 
 in writing home to a sweetheart, converted it into an envelope 
 for her letter. It thus came into my possession. 
 
 P. Prout. 
 
64 
 TO THE HOT WELLS OF CLIFTON, 
 
 IN PRAISE OF RUM-PUNCH. 
 
 A Triglot Ode, viz. 
 l o Tlivhugov Kegi gsv(JbUTog cohyj. 
 2° Horatii in fontem Bristolii carmen. 
 3° £ mtltcfe (unpublisljeo') of " tlje unfortunate Cfjattcrton." 
 
 PINDAR. 
 
 HORACE. 
 
 CHATTERTON. 
 
 Ylqyri 'BgicroXtccg 
 
 fons Bristolii 
 
 ft fun your foortlj 
 
 ^laKkov iv vakco 
 
 Hoc magis in vitro 
 
 "£?ot nulls "of Bristol, 
 
 AoCfJbTOVff UV0S(TI ffVV 
 
 Dulci digne mero 
 
 Cf)at bubble fortlj 
 
 NezrccPog cc%ir\ 
 
 Non sine floribus 
 
 &S clear as crystal;... 
 
 2' avrXoj 
 
 Vas impleveris 
 
 ftn parlour Snug 
 
 Vzv^ari toKKcu 
 
 Unda 
 
 Fir tote!) no potter 
 
 ^Jliaycov 
 
 Mel solvente 
 
 Co mtr a }ug 
 
 Ka/ (iizkirog ffokv. 
 
 Caloribus. 
 
 m 3&um anfc OTater. 
 
 ii 
 
 II. 
 
 2. 
 
 Avqg tcolv rig eoav 
 
 Si quis vel venerem 
 
 33ot^ 3Lobc, young rfjicl, 
 
 fiovXercii ri (Jbccxftv 
 
 Aut praslia cogitat, 
 
 <©ne'S bosom ruffle ? 
 
 2o/ Ba^oy za,0agov 
 
 Is Bacchi calidos 
 
 TOoultt any feel 
 
 2o/ itwxgawvffes 
 
 Inficiet tibi 
 
 Mipt for a Scuffle ? 
 
 QfotKy 
 
 Rubro sanguine 
 
 Ci)e simplest plan 
 
 & ai(/jccn voipa,' 
 
 Rivos, 
 
 fts just to take a 
 
 UgoQv(j(jog re 
 
 Fiet protinus 
 
 »ell stiffened can 
 
 Tcc% scrfferou. 
 
 Impiger ! 
 
 III. 
 
 Te flagrante bibax 
 
 <&i oft Jamaica. 
 
 7; 
 2s fikeyfju aiflctXosv 
 
 3. 
 JSeneatf) tl)t $one 
 
 2g/f/oy aarspog 
 
 Ore canicula 
 
 #rog in a pail or 
 
 Agpofyi vrXaroPi' 
 
 Sugit navita : tu 
 
 2&um — best alone — 
 
 2y zpvog 7]ivv ev 
 
 Frigus amabile 
 
 2Migl)tS ti)e bailor. 
 
 Nqffoig 
 
 Fessis vomere 
 
 Clje can !)e sfoills 
 
 Avriksffuifft 
 
 Mauris 
 
 Alone gibes' bigour 
 
 Tloisig 
 
 Praebes ac 
 
 ftn tfje Antilles 
 
 K' atOioTav (pvkoj. 
 
 Homini nigro. 
 
 Co foljtte or nigger. 
 
 1. 
 
 IV. 
 
 4. 
 
 ILpTivaig ev rs zocXocig 
 
 Fies nobilium 
 
 Cljy claims', <& fount, 
 
 YjfTffsat ayXaq 
 
 Tu quoque fontium 
 
 23eSerbe attention : 
 
 2' ZV TCOlXco kvKcctci 
 
 Medicente; cavum 
 
 f^enecf orfoarfc count 
 
 Y(J!jV7](T0t), 
 
 Dum calicem reples 
 
 <©n classic mention. 
 
 Urnamque 
 
 3&icrl)t pleasant Stuff 
 
 Unde loquaces 
 
 Cijine to tl)e lip is... 
 
 AccXov 2% ov 
 
 Lymphae 
 
 Me 'be Ijatt enough 
 
 2ov h pvpu zufaKkerou. Desiliunt tuae. <®l Aganippe's. 
 
291 
 STRAY CHAPTERS. 
 
 BY " BOZ." 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE. 
 
 Before we plunge headlong into this paper, let us at once 
 confess to a fondness for pantomimes — to a gentle sympathy 
 with clowns and pantaloons — to an unqualified admiration of 
 harlequins and columbines — to a chaste delight in every action 
 of their brief existence, varied and many-coloured as those 
 actions are, and inconsistent though they occasionally be with 
 those rigid and formal rules of propriety which regulate the 
 proceedings of meaner and less comprehensive minds. We 
 revel in pantomimes — not because they dazzle one's eyes with 
 tinsel and gold leaf; not because they present to us, once again, 
 the well-beloved chalked faces, and goggle eyes of our child- 
 hood ; not even because, like Christmas-day, and Twelfth-night, 
 and Shrove Tuesday, and one's own birth-day, they come to us 
 but once a-year ; — our attachment is founded on a graver and a 
 very different reason. A pantomime is to us, a mirror of life ; 
 nay more, we maintain that it is so to audiences generally, al- 
 though they are not aware of it ; and that this very circum- 
 stance is the secret cause of their amusement and delight. 
 
 Let us take a slight example. The scene is a street : an 
 elderly gentleman, with a large face, and strongly marked fea- 
 tures, appears. His countenance beams with a sunny smile, 
 and a perpetual dimple is on his broad red cheek. He is evi- 
 dently an opulent elderly gentleman, comfortable in circum- 
 stances, and well to do in the world. He is not unmindful of 
 the adornment of his person, for he is richly, not to say gaudily 
 dressed ; and that he indulges to a reasonable extent in the 
 pleasures of the table, may be inferred from the joyous and oily 
 manner in which he rubs his stomach, by way of informing the 
 audience that he is going home to dinner. In the fullness of his 
 heart, in the fancied security of wealth, in the possession and 
 enjoyment of all the good things of life, the elderly gentle- 
 man suddenly loses his footing, and stumbles. How the au- 
 dience roar ! He is set upon by a noisy and officious crowd, 
 who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. They scream with de- 
 light ! Every time the elderly gentleman struggles to get up, 
 his relentless persecutors knock him down again. The specta- 
 tors are convulsed with merriment ! And when at last the 
 elderly gentleman does get up, and staggers away, despoiled of 
 hat, wig, and clothing, himself battered to pieces, and his watch 
 and money gone, they are exhausted with laughter, and express 
 their merriment and admiration in rounds of applause. 
 
 Is this like life ? Change the scene to any real street ; — to 
 the Stock Exchange, or the City banker's; the merchant's 
 
292 STRAY CHAPTERS. 
 
 counting-house, or even the tradesman's shop. See any one of 
 these men fall,— the more suddenly, and the nearer the zenith 
 of his pride and riches, the better. What a wild hallo is raised 
 over his prostrate carcase by the shouting mob ; how they 
 whoop and yell as he lies humbled beneath them ! Mark how 
 eagerly they set upon him when he is down ; and how they 
 mock and deride him as he slinks away. Why, it is the pan- 
 tomime to the very letter. 
 
 Of all the pantomimic dramatis persona, we consider the 
 pantaloon the most worthless and debauched. Independent of 
 the dislike, one naturally feels at seeing a gentleman of his years 
 engaged in pursuits highly unbecoming his gravity and time 
 of life, we cannot conceal from ourselves the fact that he is a 
 treacherous worldly-minded old villain, constantly enticing his 
 younger companion, the clown, into acts of fraud or petty 
 larceny, and generally standing aside to watch the result of the 
 enterprise : if it be successful, he never forgets to return for his 
 share of the spoil ; but if it turn out a failure, he generally 
 retires with remarkable caution and expedition, and keeps 
 carefully aloof until the affair has blown over. His amorous 
 propensities, too, are eminently disagreeable; and his mode of 
 addressing ladies in the open street at noon-day is downright 
 improper, being usually neither more nor less than a perceptible 
 tickling of the aforesaid ladies in the waist, after committing 
 which, he starts back, manifestly ashamed (as well he may be) 
 of his own indecorum and temerity ; continuing, nevertheless, to 
 ogle and beckon to them from a distance in a very unpleasant 
 and immoral manner. 
 
 Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his 
 own social circle ? Is there any man who has not seen them 
 swarming at the west end of the town on a sunshiny day or a 
 summer's evening, going through the last-named pantomimic 
 feats with as much liquorish energy, and as total an absence of 
 reserve, as if they were on the very stage itself ? We can tell 
 upon our fingers a dozen pantaloons of our acquaintance at this 
 moment — capital pantaloons, who have been performing all 
 kinds of strange freaks, to the great amusement of their friends 
 and acquaintance, for years past ; and who to this day are 
 making such comical and ineffectual attempts to be young and 
 dissolute, that all beholders are like to die with laughter. 
 
 Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the 
 Cafe de VEurope in the Haymarket, where he has been dining 
 at the expense of the young man upon town with whom he 
 shakes hands as they part at the door cf the tavern. The 
 affected warmth of that shake of the hand, the courteous nod, 
 the obvious recollection of the dinner, the savoury flavour of 
 which, still hangs upon his lips, are ail characteristics of his 
 great prototype. He hobbles away humming an opera tune, 
 and twirling his cane to and fro, with affected carelessness. 
 
THE PANTOMIME OP LIFE. 293 
 
 Suddenly he stops — His at the milliner's window. He peeps 
 through one of the large panes of glass ; and, his view of the 
 ladies within being obstructed by the India shawls, directs his 
 attentions to the young girl with the bandbox in her hand, who 
 is gazing in at the window also. See ! he draws beside her. 
 He coughs ; she turns away from him. He draws near her 
 again; she disregards him. He gleefully chucks her under 
 the chin, and, retreating a few steps, nods and beckons with 
 fantastic grimaces, while the girl bestows a contemptuous and 
 supercilious look upon his wrinkled visage. She turns away 
 with a flounce, and the old gentleman trots after her with a 
 toothless chuckle. The pantaloon to the life ! 
 
 But the close resemblance which the clowns of the stage bear 
 to those of every-day life, is perfectly extraordinary. Some 
 people talk with a sigh of the decline of pantomime, and mur- 
 mur in low and dismal tones the name of Grimaldi. We mean 
 no disparagement to the worthy and excellent old man when we 
 say, that this is downright nonsense. Clowns that beat Gri- 
 maldi all to nothing turn up every day, and nobody patronises 
 them — more *s the pity ! 
 
 " I know who you mean, 1 '' says some dirty-faced patron of 
 Mr. Osbaldistone's, laying down the Miscellany when he has 
 got thus far; and bestowing upon vacancy a most knowing 
 glance : " you mean C. J. Smith as did Guy Fawkes, and 
 George Barnwell, at the Garden." The dirty-faced gentleman 
 has hardly uttered the words when he is interrupted by a young 
 gentleman in no shirt-collar and a Petersham coat. " No, no/' 
 says the young gentleman ; " he means Brown, King, and 
 Gibson, at the 'Delphi." Now, with great deference both to 
 the first-named gentleman with the dirty face, and the last- 
 named gentleman in the non-existing shirt-collar, we do not 
 mean, either the performer who so grotesquely burlesqued the 
 Popish conspirator, or the three unchangeables who have been 
 dancing the same dance under different imposing titles, and 
 doing the same thing under various high-sounding names, for 
 some five or six years last past. We have no sooner made this 
 avowal than the public, who have hitherto been silent wit- 
 nesses of the dispute, inquire what on earth it is we do mean ; 
 and, with becoming respect, we proceed to tell them. 
 
 It is very well known to all play-goers and pantomime-seers, 
 that the scenes in which a theatrical clown is at the very height 
 of his glory are those which are described in the play-bills as 
 " Cheesemonger's shop, and Crockery warehouse, 1 ' or " Tailor's 
 shop, and Mrs. Queertable's boarding-house," or places bearing 
 some such title, where the great fun of the thing consists in the 
 hero's taking lodgings which he has not the slightest intention 
 of paying for, or obtaining goods under false pretences, or abs- 
 tracting the stock-in-trade of the respectable shopkeeper next 
 door, or robbing warehouse-porters as they pass under his win- 
 
294 STRAY CHAPTERS. 
 
 dow, or, to shorten the catalogue, in his swindling everybody he 
 possibly can ; it only remaining to be observed, that the more 
 extensive the swindling is, and the more barefaced the impu- 
 dence of the swindler, the greater the rapture and ecstasy of 
 the audience. Now it is a most remarkable fact that precisely 
 this sort of thing occurs in real life day after day, and nobody 
 sees the humour of it. Let us illustrate our position by de- 
 tailing the plot of this portion of the pantomime — not of the 
 theatre, but of life. 
 
 The Honourable Captain Fitz- Whisker Fiercy, attended by 
 his livery-servant Do'em, — a most respectable servant to look at, 
 who has grown grey in the service of the captain's family, — 
 views, treats for, and ultimately obtains possession of, the un- 
 furnished house, such a number, such a street. All the trades- 
 men in the neighbourhood are in agonies of competition for the 
 captain's custom ; the captain is a good-natured, kind-hearted, 
 easy man, and, to avoid being the cause of disappointment to 
 any, he most handsomely gives orders to all. Hampers of 
 wine, baskets of provisions, cart-loads of furniture, boxes of 
 jewellery, supplies of luxuries of the costliest description, flock 
 to the house of the Honourable Captain Fitz- Whisker Fiercy, 
 where they m% received with the utmost readiness by the highly 
 respectable DoVm ; while the captain himself struts and swag- 
 gers about with that compound air of conscious superiority, and 
 general blood-thirstiness, which a military captain should al- 
 ways, and does most times wear, to the admiration and terror 
 of plebeian men. But the tradesmen's backs are no sooner 
 turned, than the captain, with all the eccentricity of a mighty 
 mind, and assisted by the faithful Do'em, whose devoted fidelity 
 is not the least touching part of his character, disposes of every- 
 thing to great advantage ; for, although the articles fetch small 
 sums, still they are sold considerably above cost price, the cost 
 to the captain having been nothing at all. After various 
 manoeuvres, the imposture is discovered, Fitz-Fiercy and Do'em 
 are recognised as confederates, and the police-office to which 
 they are both taken is thronged with their dupes. 
 
 Who can fail to recognise in this, the exact counterpart of 
 the best portion of a theatrical pantomime — Fitz-Whisker 
 Fiercy by the clown ; Do'em by the pantaloon ; and supernu- 
 meraries by the tradesmen ? The best of the joke, too, is, that 
 the very coal-merchant who is loudest in his complaints against 
 the person who defrauded him, is the identical man who sat in 
 the centre of the very front row of the pit last night and 
 laughed the most boisterously at this very same thing, — and 
 not so well done either. Talk of Grimaldi, we say again ! 
 Did Grimaldi, in his best days, ever do anything in this way 
 equal to Da Costa ? 
 
 The mention of this latter justly-celebrated clown reminds 
 us of his last piece of humour, the fraudulently obtaining cer- 
 
THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE. 295 
 
 tain stamped acceptances from a young gentleman in the army. 
 We had scarcely laid down our pen to contemplate for a few 
 moments this admirable actor's performance of that exquisite 
 practical joke, than a new branch of our subject flashed sud- 
 denly upon us. So we take it up again at once. 
 
 All people who have been behind the scenes, and most people 
 who have been before them, know, that in the representation of 
 a pantomime, a good many men are sent upon the stage for the 
 express purpose of being cheated, or knocked down, or both. 
 Now, down to a moment ago, we had never been able to under- 
 stand for what possible purpose a great number of odd, lazy, 
 large-headed men, whom one is in the habit of meeting here, and 
 there, and everywhere, could ever have been created. We see 
 it all, now. They are the supernumeraries in the pantomime 
 of life ; the men who have been thrust into it, with no other 
 view than to be constantly tumbling over each other, and 
 running their heads against all sorts of strange things. We 
 sat opposite to one of these men at a supper-table, only last 
 week. Now we think of it, he was exactly like the gentlemen 
 with the pasteboard heads and faces, who do the corresponding 
 business in the theatrical pantomimes ; there was the same 
 broad stolid simper — the same dull leaden eye-j^the same un- 
 meaning, vacant stare; and whatever was said, or whatever was 
 done, he always came in at precisely the wrong place, or jostled 
 against something that he had not the slightest business with. 
 We looked at the man across the table, again and again ; and 
 could not satisfy ourselves what race of beings to class him with. 
 How very odd that this never occurred to us before ! 
 
 We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with 
 the harlequin. We see harlequins of so many kinds in the real 
 living pantomime, that we hardly know which to select as the 
 proper fellow of him of the theatres. At one time we were dis- 
 posed to think that the harlequin was neither more nor less 
 than a young man of family and independent property, who 
 had run away with an opera-dancer, and was fooling his life 
 and his means away in light and trivial amusements. On re- 
 flection, however, we remembered that harlequins are occa- 
 sionally guilty of witty, and even clever acts, and we are rather 
 disposed to acquit our young men of family and independent 
 property, generally speaking, of any such misdemeanours. On 
 a more mature consideration of the subject, we have arrived at 
 the conclusion, that the harlequins of life are just ordinary men, 
 to be found in no particular walk or degree, on whom a certain 
 station, or particular conjunction of circumstances, confers the 
 magic wand ; and this brings us to a few words on the panto- 
 mime of public and political life, which we shall say at once, 
 and then conclude ; merely premising in this place, that we de- 
 cline any reference whatever to the columbine : being in no wise 
 satisfied of the nature of her connexion with her parti-coloured 
 
296* STRAY CHAPTERS. 
 
 lover, and not feeling by any means clear that we should be 
 justified in introducing her to the virtuous and respectable 
 ladies who peruse our lucubrations. 
 
 We take it that the commencement of a session of parliament 
 is neither more nor less than the drawing up of the curtain for 
 a grand comic pantomime ; and that his Majesty's most gracious 
 speech, on the opening thereof, may be not inaptly compared to 
 the clown's opening speech of " Here we are [V " My lords 
 and gentlemen, here we are !" appears, to our mind at least, to 
 be a very good abstract of the point and meaning of the pro- 
 pitiatory address of the ministry. When we remember how 
 frequently this speech is made, immediately after the change 
 too, the parallel is quite perfect, and still more singular. 
 
 Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer 
 than at this day. We are particularly strong in clowns. At 
 no former time, we should say, have we had such astonishing 
 tumblers, or performers so ready to go through the whole of 
 their feats for the amusement of an admiring throng. Their 
 extreme readiness to exhibit, indeed, has given rise to some ill- 
 natured reflections ; it having been objected that by exhibiting 
 gratuitously through the country when the theatre is closed, 
 they reduce themselves to the level of mountebanks, and thereby 
 tend to degrade the respectability of the profession. Certainly 
 Grimaldi never did this sort of thing ; and though Brown, 
 King, and Gibson have gone to the Surrey in vacation time, 
 and Mr. C. J. Smith has ruralised at Sadler's Wells, we find 
 no theatrical precedent for a general tumbling through the 
 country, except in the gentleman, name unknown, who threw 
 summersets on behalf of the late Mr. Richardson, and who is 
 no authority either, because he had never been on the regular 
 boards. 
 
 But, laying aside this question, which after all is a mere 
 matter of taste, we may reflect with pride and gratification of 
 heart on the proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the 
 season. Night after night will they twist and tumble about, 
 till two, three, and four o'clock in the morning ; playing the 
 strangest antics, and giving each other the funniest slaps on the 
 face that can possibly be imagined, without evincing the smallest 
 tokens of fatigue. The strange noises, the confusion, the shout- 
 ing and roaring, amid which all this is done, too, would put 
 to shame the most turbulent sixpenny gallery that ever yelled 
 through a boxing-night. 
 
 It is especially curious to behold one of these clowns com- 
 pelled to go through the most surprising contortions by the 
 irresistible influence of the wand of office, which his leader or 
 harlequin holds above his head. Acted upon by this wonderful 
 charm he will become perfectly motionless, moving neither 
 hand, foot, nor finger, and will even lose the faculty of speech 
 at an instant's notice ; or, on the other hand, he will become all 
 
THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE. 297 
 
 life and animation if required, pouring forth a torrent of words 
 without sense or meaning, throwing himself into the wildest and 
 most fantastic contortions, and even grovelling on the earth and 
 licking up the dust. These exhibitions are more curious than 
 pleasing ; indeed they are rather disgusting than otherwise, ex- 
 cept to the admirers of such things, with whom we confess we 
 have no fellow-feeling. 
 
 Strange tricks — very strange tricks — are also performed by 
 the harlequin who holds for the time being, the magic wand 
 which we have just mentioned. The mere waving it before a 
 man's eyes will dispossess his brain of all the notions previously 
 stored there, and fill it with an entirely new set of ideas ; one 
 gentle tap on the back will alter the colour of a man's coat 
 completely ; and there are some expert performers, who, having 
 this wand held first on one side, and then on the other, will 
 change from side to side, turning their coats at every evolution, 
 with so much rapidity and dexterity, that the quickest eye can 
 scarcely detect their motions. Occasionally, the genius who con- 
 fers the wand, wrests it from the hand of the temporary pos- 
 sessor, and consigns it to some new performer ; on which occasions 
 all the characters change sides, and then the race and the hard 
 knocks begin anew. 
 
 We might have extended this chapter to a much greater 
 length — we might have carried the comparison into the liberal 
 professions — we might have shown, as was in fact our original 
 purpose, that each is in itself a little pantomime with scenes and 
 characters of its own, complete ; but, as we fear we have been 
 quite lengthy enough already, we shall leave this chapter just 
 where it is. A gentleman, not altogether unknown as a dra- 
 matic poet, wrote thus a year or two ago — 
 
 " All the World 's a stage, 
 And all the men and women merely players : v 
 
 and we, tracking out his footsteps at the scarcely-worth-men- 
 tioning little distance of a few millions of leagues behind, ven- 
 ture to add, by way of new reading, that he meant a Pantomime, 
 and that we are all actors in The Pantomime of Life. 
 
 IMPROMPTU. 
 
 Who the dickens " Boz" could be 
 
 Puzzled many a learned elf; 
 Till time unveil'd the mystery, 
 
 And Boz appear'd as Dickens' self! 
 
 C. J. Davids. 
 
298 
 
 MEMOIRS OF SAMUEL FOOTE. 
 
 Few writers obtained a larger share of notoriety during their life- 
 time than Samuel Foote. If the interest which he excited was not 
 very profound, it was at any rate very generally diffused throughout 
 the community. His witty sayings were in every one's mouth ; his 
 plays were the rage of the day ; he was the constant guest of royalty, 
 the Dukes of York and Cumberland being among his staunchest 
 friends and patrons ; and the " Sir Oracle" of all the bons vivants and 
 would-be wits of the metropolis. Take up any light memoir of those 
 days, and you shall scarcely find one that does not bear testimony to 
 the powers of this incomparable humourist. Yet, what is he now ? 
 A name, — perhaps a great one, — but little more. His plays are 
 seldom acted, though the best Major Sturgeon and Jerry Sneak that 
 the stage ever had are still among us ; and as seldom perused in the 
 closet, or assuredly they would have been republished oftener than 
 has been the case of late years. 
 
 We are induced, therefore, to give a brief memoir of our English 
 Aristophanes, accompanied by as brief a criticism on his genius, such 
 a task falling naturally,' indeed almost necessarily, within the scope 
 of our Miscellany. But enough of preface ; " now to business," as 
 Foote' s own Vamp would say. 
 
 Samuel Foote was born at Truro in the year 1720. His family was 
 of creditable extraction, his father being a gentleman of some repute 
 in Cornwall as receiver of fines for the duchy; and his mother, the 
 daughter of Sir Edward Goodere, Bart. M. P. for Herefordshire. 
 From this lady, whom he closely resembled in appearance and man- 
 ner, he is supposed to have inherited that turn for " merry malice" 
 for which he was famous above all his contemporaries. Mr. Cooke, in 
 his notices of Foote, describes his mother as having been " the very 
 model of her son Samuel, — short, fat, and flabby," and nearly equally 
 remarkable for the broad humour of her conversation. 
 
 At an early age, young Foote was despatched to a school at Wor- 
 cester, where he soon became notorious for his practical jokes and 
 inveterate propensity to caricature. He was the leader in all the 
 rebellions of the boys, and perpetrated much small mischief on his 
 own private account. Among other of his freaks, it is stated that 
 he was in the habit of anointing his master's lips with ink while he 
 slept in the chair of authority, and then bewildering and overwhelm- 
 ing the good man with a host of grave apologies. Yet, with all this, 
 he was attentive to his studies, reading hard by fits and starts ; and 
 left Worcester with the reputation of being that very ambiguous 
 character — a " lad of parts." 
 
 At the usual period of life, Foote was entered of Worcester College, 
 Oxford, where, as at school, his favourite amusement consisted in 
 quizzing the authorities, — more especially the provost, who was a 
 grave, pedantic scholar, of a vinegar turn of temperament. The 
 following hoax is recorded as having been played off by him in his 
 Freshman's year. In one of the villages near Oxford there was a 
 church that stood close by a shady lane, through which cattle 
 were in the habit of being driven to and fro from grass. From the 
 steeple or belfry of this church dangled a rope, probably for the con- 
 venience of the ringers, which overhung the porch, and descended to 
 
515 
 STRAY CHAPTERS. 
 
 BY " BOZ." 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION. 
 
 We have a great respect for lions in the abstract. In com- 
 mon with most other people, we have heard and read of many 
 instances of their bravery and generosity. We have duly ad- 
 mired that heroic self-denial and charming philanthropy, which 
 prompts them never to eat people except when they are hungry, 
 and we have been deeply impressed with a becoming sense of 
 the politeness they are said to display towards unmarried ladies 
 of a certain state. All natural histories teem with anecdotes 
 illustrative of their excellent qualities; and one old spelling- 
 book in particular recounts a touching instance of an old lion of 
 high moral dignity and stern principle, who felt it his impera- 
 tive duty to devour a young man who had contracted a habit of 
 swearing, as a striking example to the rising generation. 
 
 All this is extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and indeed says 
 a very great deal in favour of lions as a mass. We are bound 
 to state, however, that such individual lions as we have hap- 
 pened to fall in with, have not put forth any very striking cha- 
 racteristics, and have not acted up to the chivalrous character 
 assigned them by their chroniclers. We never saw a lion in 
 what is called his natural state, certainly ; that is to say, we 
 have never met a lion out walking in a forest, or crouching in 
 his lair under a tropical sun waiting till his dinner should hap- 
 pen to come by, hot from the baker's. But we have seen some 
 under the influence of captivity and the pressure of misfortune; 
 and we must say that they appeared to us very apathetic, heavy- 
 headed fellows. 
 
 The lion at the Zoological Gardens, for instance. He is all 
 very well; he has an undeniable mane, and looks very fierce; 
 but, Lord bless us ! what of that ? The lions of the fashionable 
 world look just as ferocious, and are the most harmless crea- 
 tures breathing. A box-lobby lion or a Regent-street animal 
 will put on a most terrible aspect, and roar fearfully, if you 
 affront him ; but he will never bite, and, if you offer to attack 
 him manfully, will fairly turn tail and sneak off. Doubtless 
 these creatures roam about sometimes in herds, and, if they 
 meet any especially meek-looking and peaceably -disposed fellow, 
 will endeavour to frighten him ; but the faintest show of a 
 vigorous resistance is sufficient to scare them even then. These 
 are pleasant characteristics, whereas we make it matter of dis- 
 tinct charge against the Zoological lion and his brethren at the 
 fairs, that they are sleepy, dreamy, sluggish quadrupeds. 
 
 We do not remember to have ever seen one of them perfectly 
 awake, except at feeding-time. In every respect we uphold the 
 
516 STRAY CHAPTERS. 
 
 biped lions against their four-footed namesakes, and we boldly 
 challenge controversy upon the subject. 
 
 With these opinions it may be easily imagined that our cu- 
 riosity and interest were very much excited the other day, when 
 a lady of our acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined 
 to accept our refusal of her invitation to an evening party ; 
 " for," said she, " I have got a lion coming." We at once re- 
 tracted our plea of a prior engagement, and became as anxious 
 to go, as we had previously been to stay away. 
 
 We went early, and posted ourself in an eligible part of the 
 drawing-room, from whence we could hope to obtain a full view 
 of the interesting animal. Two or three hours passed, the qua- 
 drilles began, the room filled ; but no lion appeared. The lady 
 of the house became inconsolable, — for it is one of the peculiar 
 privileges of these lions to make solemn appointments and never 
 keep them, — when all of a sudden there came a tremendous 
 double rap at the street-door, and the master of the house, after 
 gliding out (unobserved as he flattered himself) to peep over 
 the banisters, came into the room, rubbing his hands together 
 with great glee, and cried out in a very important voice, " My 
 dear, Mr. (naming the lion) has this moment arrived." 
 
 Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we 
 observed several young ladies, who had been laughing and con- 
 versing previously with great gaiety and good-humour, grow 
 extremely quiet and sentimental ; while some young gentlemen, 
 who had been cutting great figures in the facetious and small- 
 talk way, suddenly sank very obviously in the estimation of the 
 company, and were looked upon with great coldness and indif- 
 ference. Even the young man who had been ordered from the 
 music-shop to play the pianoforte, was visibly affected, and 
 struck several false notes in the excess of his excitement. 
 
 All this time there was a great talking outside, more than 
 once accompanied by a loud laugh, and a cry of " Oh, capital ! 
 excellent!" from which we inferred that the lion was jocose, and 
 that these exclamations were occasioned by the transports of his 
 keeper and our host. Nor were we deceived ; for when the lion 
 at last appeared, we overheard his keeper, who was a little prim 
 man, whisper to several gentlemen of his acquaintance, with 
 uplifted hands and every expression of half-suppressed admira- 
 tion, that (naming the lion again) was in such cue to- 
 night ! 
 
 The lion was a literary one : of course there were a vast 
 number of people present, who had admired his roarings, and 
 were anxious to be introduced to him ; and very pleasant it was 
 to see them brought up for the purpose, and to observe the 
 patient dignity with which he received all their patting and 
 caressing. This brought forcibly to our mind what we had so 
 often witnessed at country fairs, where the other lions are com- 
 pelled to go through as many forms of courtesy as they chance 
 
SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION. 517 
 
 to be acquainted with, just as often as admiring parties happen 
 to drop in upon them. 
 
 While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not 
 idle, for he mingled among the crowd, and spread his praises 
 most industriously. To one gentleman he whispered some very 
 choice thing that the noble animal had said in the very act of 
 coming up stairs, which, of course, rendered the mental effort 
 still more astonishing ; to another he murmured a hasty account 
 of a grand dinner that had taken place the day before, where 
 twenty-seven gentlemen had got up all at once to demand an 
 extra cheer for the lion ; and to the ladies he made sundry pro- 
 mises of interceding to procure the majestic brute^ sign-manual 
 for their albums. Then, there were little private consultations 
 in different corners, relative to the personal appearance and sta- 
 ture of the lion ; whether he was shorter than they had expected 
 to see him, or taller, or thinner, or fatter, or younger, or older ; 
 whether he was like his portrait or unlike it ; and whether the 
 particular shade of his eyes was black, or blue, or hazel, or 
 green, or yellow, or mixture. At all these consultations the 
 keeper assisted ; and, in short, the lion was the sole and single 
 subject of discussion till they sat him down to whist, and then 
 the people relapsed into their old topics of conversation — them- 
 selves and each other. 
 
 We must confess that we looked forward with no slight impa- 
 tience to the announcement of supper ; for if you wish to see a 
 tame lion under particularly favourable circumstances, feeding- 
 time is the period of all others to pitch upon. We were there- 
 fore very much delighted to observe a sensation among the 
 guests, which we well knew how to interpret, and immediately 
 afterwards to behold the lion escorting the lady of the house 
 down stairs. We offered our arm to an elderly female of our 
 acquaintance, who — dear old soul ! — is the very best person that 
 ever lived, to lead down to any meal ; for, be the room ever so 
 small or the party ever so large, she is sure, by some intuitive 
 perception of the eligible, to push and pull herself and con- 
 ductor close to the best dishes on the table ; — we say we offered 
 our arm to this elderly female, and, descending the stairs shortly 
 after the lion, were fortunate enough to obtain a seat nearly op- 
 posite him. 
 
 Of course the keeper was there already. He had planted 
 himself at precisely that distance from his charge which afforded 
 him a decent pretext for raising his voice, when he addressed 
 him, to so loud a key as could not fail to attract the attention of 
 the whole company, and immediately began to apply himself 
 seriouslv to the task of bringing the lion out, and putting him 
 through the whole of his manoeuvres. Such flashes of wit as he 
 elicited from the lion ! First of all they began to make puns 
 upon a salt-cellar, and then upon the breast of a fowl, and then 
 upon the trifle ; but the best jokes of all were decidedly on the 
 
518 STRAY CHAPTERS. 
 
 lobster-salad, upon which latter subject the lion came out most 
 vigorously, and, in the opinion of the most competent autho- 
 rities, quite outshone himself. This is a very excellent mode 
 of shining in society, and is founded, we humbly conceive, 
 upon the classic model of the dialogues between Mr. Punch and 
 his friend the proprietor, wherein the latter takes all the up-hill 
 work, and is content to pioneer to the jokes and repartees of 
 Mr. P. himself, who never fails to gain great credit and excite 
 much laughter thereby. Whatever it be founded on, however, 
 we recommend it to all lions, present and to come ; for in this 
 instance it succeeded to admiration, and perfectly dazzled the 
 whole body of hearers. 
 
 When the salt-cellar, and the fowl's breast, and the trifle, and 
 the lobster-salad were all exhausted, and could not afford stand- 
 ing-room for another solitary witticism, the keeper performed 
 that very dangerous feat which is still done with some of the 
 caravan lions, although in one instance it terminated fatally, of 
 putting his head in the animal's mouth, and placing himself 
 entirely at its mercy. Boswell frequently presents a melancholy 
 instance of the lamentable results of this achievement, and other 
 keepers and jackals have been terribly lacerated for their 
 daring. It is due to our lion to state, that he condescended to 
 be trifled with, in the most gentle manner, and finally went home 
 with the showman in a hack cab : perfectly peaceable, but 
 slightly fuddled. 
 
 Being in a contemplative mood, we were led to make some 
 reflections upon the character and conduct of this genus of lions 
 as we walked homewards, and we were not long in arriving at the 
 conclusion that our former impression in their favour was very 
 much strengthened and confirmed by what we had recently seen. 
 While the other lions receive company and compliments in a 
 sullen, moody, not to say snarling manner, these appear flat- 
 tered by the attentions that are paid them ; while those conceal 
 themselves to the utmost of their power from the vulgar gaze, 
 these court the popular eye, and, unlike their brethren, whom 
 nothing short of compulsion will move to exertion, are ever 
 ready to display their acquirements to the wondering throng. 
 We have known bears of undoubted ability who, when the 
 expectations of a large audience have been wound up to the ut- 
 most pitch, have peremptorily refused to dance; well-taught 
 monkeys, who have unaccountably objected to exhibit on the 
 slack-wire; and elephants of unquestioned genius, who have 
 suddenly declined to turn the barrel-organ : but we never once 
 knew or heard of a biped lion, literary or otherwise, — and we 
 state it as a fact which is highly creditable to the whole species, 
 —who, occasion offering, did not seize with avidity on any op- 
 portunity which was afforded him, of performing to his heart's 
 content on the first violin. 
 
BENTLEY'S 
 
 MISCELLANY. 
 
 VOL. II. 
 
 LONDON: 
 RICHARD BENTLEY, 
 
 NEW BURLINGTON STREET. 
 
 1837. 
 
LONDON : 
 
 PRINTED BY SAMUEL BENTLEY, 
 
 Dorset Street, Fleet Street. 
 
ADDRESS. 
 
 Twelve months have elapsed since we first took the 
 field, and every successive number of our Miscellany has 
 experienced a warmer reception, and a more extensive 
 circulation, than its predecessor. 
 
 In the opening of the new year, and the commence- 
 ment of our new volume, we hope to make many changes 
 for the better, and none for the worse ; and, to show 
 that, while we have one grateful eye to past patronage, 
 we have another wary one to future favours ; in short, 
 that, like the heroine of the sweet poem descriptive of 
 the faithlessness and perjury of Mr. John Oakhum, of 
 the Royal Navy, we look two ways at once. 
 
 It is our intention to usher in the new year with a 
 very merry greeting, towards the accomplishment of 
 which end we have prevailed upon a long procession of 
 distinguished friends to mount their hobbies on the 
 
IV ADDRESS. 
 
 occasion, in humble imitation of those adventurous and 
 
 aldermanic spirits who gallantly bestrode their foaming 
 
 chargers on the memorable ninth of this present month, 
 
 while 
 
 " The stones did rattle underneath, 
 
 As if Cheapside were mad." 
 
 These, and a hundred other great designs, preparations, 
 and surprises, are in contemplation, for the fulfilment of 
 all of which we are already bound in two volumes cloth, 
 and have no objection, if it be any additional security 
 to the public, to stand bound in twenty more. 
 
 BOZ. 
 
 30th November, 1837. 
 
397 
 
 FULL REPORT OF THE 
 
 FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION 
 
 FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING. 
 
 We have made the most unparalleled and extraordinary ex- 
 ertions to place before our readers a complete and accurate ac- 
 count of the proceedings at the late grand meeting of the Mud- 
 fog association, holden in the town of Mudfog; it affords us 
 great happiness to lay the result before them, in the shape of 
 various communications received frem our able, talented, and 
 graphic correspondent, expressly sent down for the purpose, 
 who has immortalised us, himself, Mudfog, and the association, 
 all at one and the same time. We have been, indeed, for some 
 days unable to determine who will transmit the greatest name 
 to posterity ; ourselves, who sent our correspondent down ; our 
 correspondent, who wrote an account of the matter ; or the as- 
 sociation, who gave our correspondent something to write about. 
 We rather incline to the opinion that we are the greatest man 
 of the party, inasmuch as the notion of an exclusive and authen- 
 tic report originated with us; this may be prejudice: it may 
 arise from a prepossession on our part in our own favour. Be 
 it so. We have no doubt that every gentleman concerned in 
 this mighty assemblage is troubled with the same complaint in a 
 greater or less degree ; and it is a consolation to us to know 
 that we have at least this feeling in common with the great 
 scientific stars, the brilliant and extraordinary luminaries, whose 
 speculations we record. 
 
 We give our correspondent's letters in the order in which 
 they reached us. Any attempt at amalgamating them into one 
 beautiful whole, would only destroy that glowing tone, that dash 
 of wildness, and rich vein of picturesque interest, which pervade 
 them throughout. 
 
 " Mudfog, Monday, night, seven d clock. 
 
 "We are in a state of great excitement here. Nothing is 
 spoken of, but the approaching meeting of the association. The 
 inn-doors are thronged with waiters anxiously looking for the 
 expected arrivals; and the numerous bills which are wafered up 
 in the windows of private houses, intimating that there are beds 
 to let within, give the streets a very animated and cheerful ap- 
 pearance, the wafers being of a great variety of colours, and the 
 monotony of printed inscriptions being relieved by every possi- 
 ble size and style of hand-writing. It is confidently rumoured 
 that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy have engaged three 
 beds and a sitting-room at the Pig and Tinder-box. I give 
 you the rumour as it has reached me ; but I cannot, as yet, 
 vouch for its accuracy. The moment I have been enabled to 
 obtain any certain information upon this interesting point, you 
 may depend upon receiving it." 
 
398 REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING 
 
 " Half -past seven. 
 
 "I have just returned from a personal interview with the 
 landlord of the Pig and Tinder-box. He speaks confidently 
 of the probability of Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy 
 taking up their residence at his house during the sitting of the 
 association, but denies that the beds have been yet engaged ; in 
 which representation he is confirmed by the chambermaid, — a 
 girl of artless manners, and interesting appearance. The boots 
 denies that it is at all likely that Professors Snore, Doze, and 
 Wheezy will put up here ; but I have reason to believe that 
 this man has been suborned by the proprietor of the Original 
 Pig, which is the opposition hotel. Amidst such conflicting 
 testimony it is difficult to arrive at the real truth ; but you may 
 depend upon receiving authentic information upon this point 
 the moment the fact is ascertained. The excitement still con- 
 tinues. A boy fell through the window of the pastrycook's shop 
 at the corner of the High-street about half an hour ago, which 
 has occasioned much confusion. The general impression is, that 
 it was an accident. Pray Heaven it may prove so V 
 
 " Tuesday, noon. 
 
 "At an early hour this morning the bells of all the churches 
 struck seven o'clock; the effect of which, in the present lively 
 state of the town, was extremely singular. While I was at 
 breakfast, a yellow gig, drawn by a dark grey horse, with a 
 patch of white over his right eyelid, proceeded at a rapid pace 
 in the direction of the Original Pig stables ; it is currently re- 
 ported that this gentleman has arrived here for the purpose of 
 attending the association, and, from what I have heard, I con- 
 sider it extremely probable, although nothing decisive is yet 
 known regarding him. You may conceive the anxiety with 
 which we are all looking forward to the arrival of the four 
 o'clock coach this afternoon. 
 
 " Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no out- 
 rage has yet been committed, owing to the admirable discipline 
 and discretion of the police, who are nowhere to be seen. A 
 barrel-organ is playing opposite my window, and groups of 
 people, offering fish and vegetables for sale, parade the streets. 
 With these exceptions everything is quiet, and I trust will con- 
 tinue so." 
 
 " Five o'clock. 
 
 " It is now ascertained beyond all doubt that Professors 
 Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will not repair to the Pig and Tin- 
 der-box, but have actually engaged apartments at the Original 
 Pig. This intelligence is exclusive ; and I leave you and your 
 readers to draw their own inferences from it. Why Professor 
 Wheezy, of all people in the world, should repair to the Ori- 
 ginal Pig in preference to the Pig and Tinder-box, it is not easy 
 to conceive. The professor is a man who should be above all 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 399 
 
 such petty feelings. Some people here, openly impute treachery 
 and a distinct breach of faith to Professors Snore and Doze ; 
 while others, again, are disposed to acquit them of any culpabi- 
 lity in the transaction, and to insinuate that the blame rests 
 solely with Professor Wheezy. I own that I incline to the 
 latter opinion ; and, although it gives me great pain to speak 
 in terms of censure or disapprobation of a man of such tran- 
 scendent genius and acquirements, still I am bound to say, that 
 if my suspicions be well founded, and if all the reports which 
 have reached my ears be true, I really do not well know what 
 to make of the matter. 
 
 " Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, arrived 
 this afternoon by the four o'clock stage. His complexion is a 
 dark purple, and he has a habit of sighing constantly. He 
 looked extremely well, and appeared in high health and spirits. 
 Mr. Woodensconse also came down in the same conveyance. 
 The distinguished gentleman was fast asleep on his arrival, and 
 I am informed by the guard that he had been so, the whole way. 
 He was, no doubt, preparing for his approaching fatigues ; but 
 what gigantic visions must those be, that flit through the brain 
 of such a man, when his body is in a state of torpidity ! 
 
 " The influx of visitors increases every moment. I am told 
 (I know not how truly) that two post-chaises have arrived at 
 the Original Pig within the last half-hour ; and I myself ob- 
 served a wheelbarrow, containing three carpet-bags and a bun- 
 dle, entering the yard of the Pig and Tinder-box no longer ago 
 than five minutes since. The people are still quietly pursuing 
 their ordinary occupations ; but there is a wildness in their 
 eyes, and an unwonted rigidity in the muscles of their counte- 
 nances, which shows to the observant spectator that their expec- 
 tations are strained to the very utmost pitch. I fear, unless 
 some very extraordinary arrivals take place to-night, that conse- 
 quences may arise from this popular ferment, which every man 
 of sense and feeling would deplore." 
 
 " Twenty minutes past six. 
 
 " I have just heard that the boy who fell through the pastry- 
 cook's window last night, has died of the fright. He was sud- 
 denly called upon to pay three and sixpence for the damage 
 done, and his constitution, it seems, was not strong enough to 
 bear up against the shock. The inquest, it is said, will be held 
 to-morrow." 
 
 " Three-quarters past seven. 
 
 " Professors Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the 
 hotel door ; they at once ordered dinner with great condescen- 
 sion. We are all very much delighted with the urbanity of 
 their manners, and the ease with which they adapt themselves 
 to the forms and ceremonies of ordinary life. Immediately on 
 their arrival they sent for the head-waiter, and privately re- 
 
400 REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING 
 
 quested him to purchase a live dog, — as cheap a one as he 
 could meet with, — and to send him up after dinner, with a pie- 
 board, a knife and fork, and a clean plate. It is conjectured 
 that some experiments will be tried upon the dog to-night ; if 
 any particulars should transpire, I will forward them by ex- 
 press." 
 
 " Half-past eight, 
 
 M The animal has been procured. He is a pug-dog, of rather 
 intelligent appearance, in good condition, and with very short 
 legs. He has been tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room, and 
 is howling dreadfully ." 
 
 " Ten minutes to nine. 
 
 "The dog has just been rung for. With an instinct which 
 would appear almost the result of reason, the sagacious animal 
 seized the waiter by the calf of the leg when he approached to 
 take him, and made a desperate, though ineffectual resistance. 
 I have not been able to procure admission to the apartment oc- 
 cupied by the scientific gentlemen; but, judging from the 
 sounds which reached my ears when I stood upon the landing- 
 place outside the door, just now, I should be disposed to say that 
 the dog had retreated growling beneath some article of furni- 
 ture, and was keeping the professors at bay. This conjecture 
 is confirmed by the testimony of the ostler, who, after peeping 
 through the keyhole, assures me that he distinctly saw Professor 
 Nogo on his knees, holding forth a small bottle of prussic acid, 
 to which the animal, who was crouched beneath an arm-chair, 
 obstinately declined to smell. You cannot imagine the feverish 
 state of irritation we are in, lest the interests of science should 
 be sacrificed to the prej udices of a brute creature, who is not en- 
 dowed with sufficient sense to foresee the incalculable benefits 
 which the whole human race may derive from so very slight a 
 concession on his part." 
 
 " JYine o'clock. 
 
 6i The dog's tail and ears have been sent down stairs to be 
 washed ; from which circumstance we infer that the animal is no 
 more. His forelegs have been delivered to the boots to be 
 brushed, which strengthens the supposition.'" 
 
 " Half after ten. 
 
 " My feelings are so overpowered by what has taken place 
 in the course of the last hour and a half, that I have scarcely 
 strength to detail the rapid succession of events which have quite 
 bewildered all those who are cognizant of their occurrence. It 
 appears that the pug-dog mentioned in my last was surreptiti- 
 ously obtained, — stolen, in fact, — by some person attached to 
 the stable department, from an unmarried lady resident in this 
 town. Frantic on discovering the loss of her favourite, the 
 lady rushed distractedly into the street, calling in the most 
 heart-rending and pathetic manner upon the passengers to re- 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 401 
 
 store her, her Augustus, — for so the deceased was named, in af- 
 fectionate remembrance of a former lover of his mistress, to 
 whom he bore a striking personal resemblance, which renders 
 the circumstance additionally affecting. I am not yet in a con- 
 dition to inform you what circumstances induced the bereaved 
 lady to direct her steps to the hotel which had witnessed the 
 last struggles of her protegt. I can only state that she arrived 
 there, at the very instant when his detached members were 
 passing through the passage on a small tray. Her shrieks still 
 reverberate in my ears ! I grieve to say that the expressive fea- 
 tures of Professor Muff were much scratched and lacerated by 
 the injured lady ; and that Professor Nogo, besides sustaining 
 several severe bites, has lost some handfuls of hair from the 
 same cause. It must be some consolation to these gentlemen to 
 know that their ardent attachment to scientific pursuits has 
 alone occasioned these unpleasant consequences; for which the 
 sympathy of a grateful country will sufficiently reward them. 
 The unfortunate lady remains at the Pig and Tinder-box, and 
 up to this time is reported in a very precarious state. 
 
 " I need scarcely tell you that this unlooked-for catastrophe 
 has cast a damp and gloom upon us in the midst of our exhila- 
 ration ; natural in any case, but greatly enhanced in this, by the 
 amiable qualities of the deceased animal, who appears to have 
 been much and deservedly respected by the whole of his ac- 
 quaintance." 
 
 " Twelve o'clock. 
 
 " I take the last opportunity before sealing my parcel to inform 
 you that the boy who fell through the pastrycook's window is not 
 dead, as was universally believed, but alive and well. The report 
 appears to have had its origin in his mysterious disappearance. 
 He was found half an hour since on the premises of a sweet-stuff 
 maker, where a raffle had been announced for a second-hand 
 seal-skin cap and a tambourine ; and where — a sufficient number 
 of members not having been obtained at first — he had patiently 
 waited until the list was completed. This fortunate discovery 
 has in some degree restored our gaiety and cheerfulness. It is 
 proposed to get up a subscription for him without delay. 
 
 " Everybody is nervously anxious to see what to-morrow will 
 bring forth. If any one should arrive in the course of the 
 night, I have left strict directions to be called immediately. I 
 should have sat up, indeed, but the agitating events of this day 
 have been too much for me. 
 
 " No news yet, of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or 
 Wheezy. It is very strange!" 
 
 " Wednesday afternoon. 
 
 " All is now over ; and, upon one point at least, I am at 
 length enabled to set the minds of your readers at rest. The three 
 professors arrived at ten minutes after two o'clock, and, instead 
 of taking up their quarters at the Original Pig, as it was uni- 
 
 VOL. II. 2 G 
 
402 REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING 
 
 versally understood in the course of yesterday that they would 
 assuredly have done, drove straight to the Pig and Tinder-box, 
 where they threw off the mask at once, and openly announced 
 their intention of remaining. Professor Wheezy may reconcile this 
 very extraordinary conduct with his notions of fair and equitable 
 dealing, but I would recommend Professor Wheezy to be cautious 
 how he presumes too far upon his well-earned reputation. How 
 such a man as Professor Snore, or, which is still more extraordi- 
 nary, such an individual as Professor Doze, can quietly allow 
 himself to be mixed up with such proceedings as these, you will 
 naturally inquire. Upon this head, rumour is silent ; I have 
 my speculations, but forbear to give utterance to them just 
 now." 
 
 " Four o'clock. 
 
 " The town is filling fast ; eighteenpence has been offered 
 for a bed, and refused. Several gentlemen were under the ne- 
 cessity last night of sleeping in the brick-fields, and on the steps 
 of doors, for which they were taken before the magistrates in a 
 body this morning, and committed to prison as vagrants for 
 various terms. One of these persons I understand to be a high- 
 ly-respectable tinker, of great practical skill, who had forwarded 
 a paper to the president of Section D. Mechanical Science, on 
 the construction of pipkins with copper bottoms and safety- 
 valves, of which report speaks highly. The incarceration of this 
 gentleman is greatly to be regretted, as his absence will preclude 
 any discussion on the subject. 
 
 u The bills are being taken down in all directions, and lodg- 
 ings are being secured on almost any terms. I have heard of 
 fifteen shillings a week for two rooms, exclusive of coals and 
 attendance, but I can scarcely believe it. The excitement is 
 dreadful. I was informed this morning that the civil authori- 
 ties, apprehensive of some outbreak of popular feeling, had 
 commanded a recruiting sergeant and two corporals to be under 
 arms ; and that, with the view of not irritating the people un- 
 necessarily by their presence, they had been requested to take 
 up their position before daybreak in a turnpike, distant about a 
 quarter of a mile from the town. The vigour and promptness 
 of these measures cannot be too highly extolled. 
 
 " Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly fe- 
 male, in a state of inebriety, has declared in the open street her 
 intention to 6 do ' for Mr. Slug. Some statistical returns com- 
 piled by that gentleman, relative to the consumption of raw 
 spirituous liquors in this place, are supposed to be the cause of 
 the wretch's animosity. It is added, that this declaration was 
 loudly cheered by a crowd of persons who had assembled on the 
 spot ; and that one man had the boldness to designate Mr. Slug 
 aloud by the opprobrious epithet of ' Stick-in-the-mud t* It is 
 earnestly to be hoped that now, when the moment has arrived 
 for their interference, the magistrates will not shrink from the 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 403 
 
 exercise of that power which is vested in them by the constitu- 
 tion of our common country.'' 
 
 " Half -past ten. 
 
 " The disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been com- 
 pletely quelled, and the ringleader taken into custody. She had 
 a pail of cold water thrown over her, previous to being locked 
 up, and expresses great contrition and uneasiness. We are all 
 in a fever of anticipation about to-morrow ; but, now that we 
 are within a few hours of the meeting of the association, and at 
 last enjoy the proud consciousness of having its illustrious mem- 
 bers amongst us, I trust and hope everything may go off peace- 
 ably. I shall send you a full report of to-morrow's proceedings 
 by the night coach." 
 
 " Eleven o'clock. 
 
 " I open my letter to say that nothing whatever has occurred 
 since I folded it up." 
 
 " Thursday. 
 
 " The sun rose this morning at the usual hour. I did not 
 observe anything particular in the aspect of the glorious planet, 
 except that he appeared to me (it might have been a delusion of 
 my heightened fancy) to shine with more than common brillian- 
 cy, and to shed a refulgent lustre upon the town, such as I had 
 never observed before. This is the more extraordinary, as the 
 sky was perfectly cloudless, and the atmosphere peculiarly fine. 
 At half-past nine o'clock the general committee assembled, with 
 the last year's president in the chair. The report of the council 
 was read ; and one passage, which stated that the council had 
 corresponded with no less than three thousand five hundred 
 and seventy-one persons, (all of whom paid their own postage,) 
 on no fewer than seven thousand two hundred and forty-three 
 topics, was received with a degree of enthusiasm which no 
 efforts could suppress. The various committees and sections 
 having been appointed, and the mere formal business transact- 
 ed, the great proceedings of the meeting commenced at eleven 
 o'clock precisely. I had the happiness of occupying a most 
 eligible position at that time, in 
 
 " SECTION A.— ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. 
 
 "great room, pig and tinder-box. 
 
 "president — professor snore. vice-presidents pltqfessors doze 
 
 and wheezy. 
 
 u The scene at this moment was particularly striking. The 
 sun streamed through the windows of the apartments, and tint- 
 ed the whole scene with its brilliant rays, bringing out in strong- 
 relief the noble visages of the professors and scientific gentle- 
 men, who, some with bald heads, some with red heads, some 
 with brown heads, some with grey heads, some with black 
 heads, some with block heads, presented a coup-cTozil which no 
 
 2 g 2 
 
401 REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING 
 
 eye-witness will readily forget. In front of these gentlemen 
 were papers and inkstands ; and round the room, on elevated 
 benches extending as far as the forms could reach, were as- 
 sembled a brilliant concourse of those lovely and elegant wo- 
 men for which Mudfog is justly acknowledged to be without a 
 rival in the whole world. The contrast between their fair faces 
 and the dark coats and trousers of the scientific gentlemen I 
 shall never cease to remember while Memory holds her seat. 
 
 " Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occasioned 
 by the falling down of the greater part of the platforms, to 
 subside, the president called on one of the secretaries to read 
 a communication entitled, ' Some remarks on the industrious 
 fleas, with considerations on the importance of establishing in- 
 fant schools among that numerous class of society ; of directing 
 their industry to useful and practical ends ; and of applying 
 the surplus fruits thereof, towards providing for them a com- 
 fortable and respectable maintenance in their old age. 1 
 
 " The Author stated, that, having long turned his attention to 
 the moral and social condition of these interesting animals, he 
 had been induced to visit an exhibition in Regent-street, Lon- 
 don, commonly known by the designation of ' The Industrious 
 Fleas."* He had there seen many fleas, occupied certainly in va- 
 rious pursuits and avocations, but occupied, he was bound to 
 add, in a manner which no man of well-regulated mind could 
 fail to regard with sorrow and regret. One flea, reduced to the 
 level of a beast of burden, was drawing about a miniature gig, 
 containing a particularly small effigy of his Grace the Duke of 
 Wellington ; while another was staggering beneath the weight of 
 a golden model of his great adversary Napoleon Bonaparte. 
 Some, brought up as mountebanks and ballet-dancers, were per- 
 forming a figure-dance (he regretted to observe, that, of the 
 fleas so employed, several were females) ; others were in training, 
 in a small card-board box, for pedestrians, — mere sporting cha- 
 racters — and two were actually engaged in the cold-blooded and 
 barbarous occupation of duelling ; a pursuit from which hu- 
 manity recoiled with horror and disgust. He suggested that 
 measures should be immediately taken to employ the labour of 
 these fleas as part and parcel of the productive power of the 
 country, which might easily be done by the establishment among 
 them of infant schools and houses of industry, in which a sys- 
 tem of virtuous education, based upon sound principles, should 
 be observed, and moral precepts strictly inculcated. He pro- 
 posed that every flea who presumed to exhibit, for hire, music or 
 dancing, or any species of theatrical entertainment, without a 
 licence, should be considered a vagabond, and treated accord- 
 ingly ; in which respect he only placed him upon a level with 
 the rest of mankind. He would further suggest that their labour 
 should be placed under the control and regulation of the state, 
 who should set apart from the profits, a fund for the support of 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 405 
 
 superannuated or disabled fleas, their widows and orphans. 
 With this view, he proposed that liberal premiums should be 
 offered for the three best designs for a general almshouse ; from 
 which — as insect architecture was well known to be in a very 
 advanced and perfect state — we might possibly derive many va- 
 luable hints for the improvement of our metropolitan universi- 
 ties, national galleries, and other public edifices. 
 
 " The President wished to be informed how the ingenious 
 gentleman proposed to open a communication with fleas gene- 
 rally, in the first instance, so that they might be thoroughly 
 imbued with a sense of the advantages they must necessarily 
 derive from changing their mode of life, and applying them- 
 selves to honest labour. This appeared to him, the only diffi- 
 culty. 
 
 " The Author submitted that this difficulty was easily over- 
 come, or rather that there was no difficulty at all in the case. 
 Obviously the course to be pursued, if her Majesty's government 
 could be prevailed upon to take up the plan, would be, to secure 
 at a remunerative salary the individual to whom he had alluded 
 as presiding over the exhibition in Regent-street at the period 
 of his visit. That gentleman would at once be able to put 
 himself in communication with the mass of the fleas, and to 
 instruct them in pursuance of some general plan of education, 
 to be sanctioned by Parliament, until such time as the more 
 intelligent among them were advanced enough to officiate as 
 teachers to the rest. 
 
 " The President and several members of the section highly 
 complimented the author of the paper last read, on his most in- 
 genious and important treatise. It was determined that the 
 subject should be recommended to the immediate consideration 
 of the council. 
 
 " Mr. Wigsby produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than 
 a chaise-umbrella, which had been raised by no other artificial 
 means than the simple application of highly carbonated soda- 
 water as manure. He explained that by scooping out the head, 
 which would afford a new and delicious species of nourishment 
 for the poor, a parachute, in principle something similar to that 
 constructed by M. Garnerin, was at once obtained : the stalk of 
 course being kept downwards. He added that he was perfectly 
 willing to make a descent from a height of not less than three 
 miles and a quarter ; and had in fact already proposed the same 
 to the proprietors of Vauxhall Gardens, who in the handsomest 
 manner at once consented to his wishes, and appointed an early 
 day next summer for the undertaking; merely stipulating that 
 the rim of the cauliflower should be previously broken in three 
 or four places to ensure the safety of the descent. 
 
 " The President congratulated the public on the grand gala 
 in store for them, and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the 
 establishment alluded to, for their love of science, and regard for 
 
106 REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING 
 
 the safety of human life, both of which did them the highest 
 honour. 
 
 V A Member wished to know how many thousand additional 
 lamps the royal property would be illuminated with, on the 
 night after the descent. 
 
 V Mr. Wigsby replied that the point was not yet finally de- 
 cided ; but he believed it was proposed, over and above the ordi- 
 nary illuminations, to exhibit in various devices eight millions 
 and a half of additional lamps. 
 
 "The Member expressed himself much gratified with this 
 announcement. 
 
 " Mr. Blunderum delighted the section with a most interest- 
 ing and valuable paper ' on the last moments of the learned 
 pig,' which produced a very strong impression upon the as- 
 sembly, the account being compiled from the personal recol- 
 lections of his favourite attendant. The account stated in the 
 most emphatic terms that the animal's name was not Toby, but 
 Solomon ; and distinctly proved that he could have no near re- 
 latives in the profession, as many designing persons had falsely 
 stated, inasmuch as his father^ mother, brothers and sisters, 
 had all fallen victims to the butcher at different times. An 
 uncle of his, indeed, had with very great labour been traced to 
 a sty in Somers Town ; but as he was in a very infirm state at 
 the time, being afflicted with measles, and shortly afterwards 
 disappeared, there appeared too much reason to conjecture that 
 lie had been converted into sausages. The disorder of the 
 learned pig was originally a severe cold, which, being aggra- 
 vated by excessive trough indulgence, finally settled upon the 
 lungs, and terminated in a general decay of the constitution. 
 A melancholy instance of a presentiment entertained by the 
 animal of his approaching dissolution, was recorded. After 
 gratifying a numerous and fashionable company with his per- 
 formances, in which no falling-off whatever, was visible, he fixed 
 his eyes on the- biographer, and, turning to the watch which 
 lay on the floor, and on which he was accustomed to point out 
 the hour, deliberately passed his snout twice round the dial. 
 In precisely four-and-twenty hours from that time he had 
 ceased to exist ! 
 
 ** Professor Wheezy inquired whether, previous to his de- 
 mise, the animal had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any 
 wishes regarding the disposal of his little property. 
 
 " Mr. Blunderum replied, that, when the biographer took up 
 the pack of cards at the conclusion of the performance, the 
 animal grunted several times in a significant manner, and nod- 
 ded his head as he was accustomed to do, when gratified. From 
 these gestures it was understood that he wished the attendant 
 to keep the cards, which he had ever since done. He had not 
 expressed any wish relative to his watch, which had accordingly 
 been pawned by the same individual. 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 407 
 
 " The President wished to know whether any member of 
 the section had ever seen or conversed with the pig-faced lady, 
 who was reported to have worn a black velvet mask, and to 
 have taken her meals from a golden trough. 
 
 " After some hesitation a Member replied that the pig-faced 
 lady was his mother-in-law, and that he trusted the president 
 would not violate the sanctity of private life. 
 
 " The President begged pardon. He had considered the 
 pig-faced lady a public character. Would the honourable 
 member object to state, with a view to the advancement of 
 science, whether she was in any way connected with the learned 
 pig? 
 i " The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the ques- 
 tion appeared to involve a suspicion that the learned pig might 
 be his half-brother, he must decline answering it. 
 
 " COACH-HOUSE, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. 
 " PRESIDENT DR. TOORELL. VICE-PRESIDENTS PROFESSORS MUFF AND NOGO. 
 
 " Dr. Kutankumagen (of Moscow) read to the section a re- 
 port of a case which had occurred within his own practice, 
 strikingly illustrative of the power of medicine, as exemplified 
 in his successful treatment of a virulent disorder. He had been 
 called in to visit the patient on the 1st of April 1837. He was 
 then labouring under symptoms peculiarly alarming to any 
 medical man. His frame was stout and muscular, his step firm 
 and elastic, his cheeks plump and red, his voice loud, his ap- 
 petite good, his pulse full and round. He was in the constant 
 habit of eating three meals per diem, and of drinking at least 
 one bottle of wine, and one glass of spirituous liquors diluted 
 with water, in the course of the four-and-twenty hours. He 
 laughed constantly, and in so hearty a manner that it was ter- 
 rible to hear him. By dint of powerful medicine, low diet, and 
 bleeding, the symptoms in the course of three days perceptibly 
 decreased. A rigid perseverance in the same course of treat- 
 ment for only one week, accompanied with small doses of water- 
 gruel, weak broth, and barley-water, led to their entire disap- 
 pearance. In the course of a month he was sufficiently reco- 
 vered to be carried down stairs by two nurses, and to enjoy an 
 airing in a close carriage, supported by soft pillows. At the 
 present moment he was restored so far as to walk about, with 
 the slight assistance of a crutch and a boy. It would perhaps be 
 gratifying to the section to learn that he ate little, drank little, 
 slept little, and was never heard to laugh by any accident what- 
 ever. 
 
 u Dr. W. R. Fee, in complimenting the honourable member 
 upon the triumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask whe- 
 ther the patient still bled freely ? 
 
 " Dr. Kutankumagen replied in the affirmative. 
 
408 REPORT Of THE FIRST MEETING 
 
 " Dr. W. R. Fee. — And you found that he bled freely during 
 the whole course of the disorder ? 
 
 " Dr. Kutankumagen. — Oh dear, yes ; most freely. 
 
 " Dr. Neeshawts supposed, that if the patient had not sub- 
 mitted to be bled with great readiness and perseverance, so ex- 
 traordinary a cure could never, in fact, have been accomplished. 
 Dr. Kutankumagen rejoined, certainly not. 
 
 " Mr. Knight Bell (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation 
 of the interior of a gentleman who in early life had inadvertently 
 swallowed a door-key. It was a curious fact that a medical stu- 
 dent of dissipated habits, being present at the post mortem exami- 
 nation, found means toescape unobserved from the room, with that 
 portion of the coats of the stomach upon which an exact model 
 of the instrument was distinctly impressed, with which he hast- 
 ened to a locksmith of doubtful character, who made a new key 
 from the pattern so shown to him. With this key the medical 
 student entered the house of the deceased gentleman, and com- 
 mitted a burglary to a large amount, for which he was subse- 
 quently tried and executed. 
 
 " The President wished to know what became of the original 
 key after the lapse of years. Mr. Knight Bell replied that the 
 gentleman was always much accustomed to punch, and it was 
 supposed the acid had gradually devoured it. 
 
 " Dr. Neeshawts and several of the members were of opinion 
 that the key must have lain very cold and heavy upon the gen- 
 tleman's stomach. 
 
 " Mr. Knight Bell believed it did at first. It was worthy 
 of remark, perhaps, that for some years the gentleman was 
 troubled with a night-mare, under the influence of which, he 
 always imagined himself a wine-cellar door. 
 
 81 Professor Muff related a very extraordinary and convin- 
 cing proof of the wonderful efficacy of the system of infinitesimal 
 doses, which the section were doubtless aware was based upon 
 the theory that the very minutest amount of any given drug, 
 properly dispersed through the human frame, would be pro- 
 ductive of precisely the same result as a very large dose admi- 
 nistered in the usual manner. Thus, the fortieth part of a grain 
 of calomel was supposed to be equal to a five-grain calomel pill, 
 and so on in proportion throughout the whole range of medicine. 
 He had tried the experiment in a curious manner upon a pub- 
 lican who had been brought into the hospital with a broken 
 head, and was cured upon the infinitesimal system in the in- 
 credibly short space of three months. This man was a hard 
 drinker. He (Professor Muff) had dispersed three drops of 
 rum through a bucket of water, and requested the man to drink 
 the whole. What was the result ? Before he had drunk a 
 quart, he was in a state of beastly intoxication ; and five other 
 men were made dead-drunk with the remainder. 
 
 " The President wished to know whether an infinitesimal 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 409 
 
 dose of soda-water would have recovered them ? Professor 
 Muff replied that the twenty-fifth part of a tea-spoonful, pro- 
 perly administered to each patient would have sobered him im- 
 mediately. The President remarked that this was a most im- 
 portant discovery, and he hoped the Lord Mayor and Court of 
 Aldermen would patronise it immediately. 
 
 " A Member begged to be informed whether it would be pos- 
 sible to administer — say, the twentieth part of a grain of bread 
 and cheese to all grown-up paupers, and the fortieth part to 
 children, with the same satisfying effect as their present al- 
 lowance. 
 
 " Professor Muff was willing to stake his professional repu- 
 tation on the perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to the 
 support of human life — in workhouses ; the addition of the fif- 
 teenth part of a grain of pudding twice a week, would render it 
 a high diet. 
 
 " Professor Nogo called the attention of the section to a very 
 extraordinary case of animal magnetism. A private watchman, 
 being merely looked at by the operator from the opposite side of 
 a wide street, was at once observed to be in a very drowsy and 
 languid state. He was followed to his box, and being once 
 slightly rubbed on the palms of the hands, fell into a sound 
 sleep, in which he continued without intermission for ten hours. 
 
 " SECTION C STATISTICS. 
 
 " HAY-LOFT, ORIGINAL PIG. 
 
 u PRESIDENT — MR. WOODENSCONSE. VICE-PRESIDENTS — MR. LEDBRAIN AND 
 
 MR. TIMBERED. 
 
 " Mr. Slug stated to the section the result of some calcula- 
 tions he had made with great difficulty and labour, regarding 
 the state of infant education among the middle classes of Lon- 
 don. He found that, within a circle of three miles from the 
 Elephant and Castle, the following were the names and numbers 
 of children's books principally in circulation : — 
 
 " Jack the Giant-killer . . . 7,943 
 
 Ditto and Bean-stalk . . 8,621 
 
 Ditto and Eleven Brothers . . 2,845 
 
 Ditto and Jill . . . 1,998 
 
 Total . . 21,407 
 
 " He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to Philip 
 Quarlls was as four and a half to one ; and that the preponder- 
 ance of Valentine and Orsons over Goody Two Shoeses was 
 as three and an eighth of the former to half a one of the latter : 
 a comparison of Seven Champions with Simple Simons gave the 
 same result. The ignorance that prevailed, was lamentable. 
 One child, on being asked whether he would rather be Saint 
 George of England or a respectable tallow-chandler, instantly 
 replied, * Taint George of Ingling.' Another, a little boy of 
 
410 REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING 
 
 eight years old, was found to be firmly impressed with a belief 
 in the existence of dragons, and openly stated that it was his in- 
 tention when he grew up, to rush forth sword in hand for the 
 deliverance of captive princesses, and the promiscuous slaughter 
 of giants. Not one child among the number interrogated had 
 ever heard of Mungo Park, — some inquiring whether he was at 
 all connected with the black man that swept the crossing ; and 
 others whether he was in any way related to the Regent's Park. 
 They had not the slightest conception of the commonest princi- 
 ples of mathematics, and considered Sinbad the Sailor the most 
 enterprising voyager that the world had ever produced. 
 
 " A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other 
 books mentioned, suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps 
 be exempted from the general censure, inasmuch as the hero 
 and heroine, in the very outset of the tale, were depicted as go- 
 ing wp a hill to fetch a pail of water, which was a laborious and 
 useful occupation, — supposing the family linen was being wash- 
 ed, for instance. 
 
 " Mr. Slug feared that the moral effect of this passage was 
 more than counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of 
 the poem, in which very gross allusion was made to the mode in 
 which the heroine was personally chastised by her mother 
 
 " ' For laughing at Jack's disaster ;' 
 besides, the whole work had this one great fault, it .teas not 
 true. 
 
 " The President complimented the honourable member on 
 the excellent distinction he had drawn. Several other members, 
 too, dwelt upon the immense and urgent necessity of storing the 
 minds of children with nothing but facts and figures ; which pro- 
 cess the President very forcibly remarked, had made them (the 
 section) the men they were. 
 
 " Mr. Slug then stated some curious calculations respecting 
 the dogs'-meat barrows of London. He found that the total 
 number of small carts and barrows engaged in dispensing provi- 
 sion to the cats and dogs of the metropolis, was one thousand 
 seven hundred and forty-three. The average number of skewers 
 delivered daily with the provender, by each dogs'-meat cart or 
 barrow was thirty-six. Now, multiplying the number of skewers 
 so delivered, by the number of barrows, a total of sixty-two 
 thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers daily would 
 be obtained. Allowing that, of these sixty-two thousand seven 
 hundred and forty-eight skewers, the odd two thousand seven 
 hundred and forty-eight were accidentally devoured with the 
 meat, by the most voracious of the animals supplied, it followed 
 that sixty thousand skewers per day, or the enormous number 
 of twenty-one millions nine hundred thousand skewers annually, 
 were wasted in the kennels and dust-holes of London ; which, 
 if collected and warehoused, would in ten years' time afford a 
 mass of timber more than sufficient for the construction of a 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 411 
 
 first-rate vessel of war for the use of her Majesty's navy, to 
 be called ' The Royal Skewer,'* and to become under that name 
 the terror of all the enemies of this island. 
 
 " Mr. X. Ledbrain read a very ingenious communication, 
 from which it appeared that the total number of legs belonging 
 to the manufacturing population of one great town in Yorkshire 
 was, in round numbers, forty thousand, while the total number 
 of chair and stool legs in their houses was only thirty thousand, 
 which, upon the very favourable average of three legs to a seat, 
 yielded only ten thousand seats in all. From this calculation 
 it would appear, — not taking wooden or cork legs into the ac- 
 count, but allowing two legs to every person, — that ten thou- 
 sand individuals (one-half of the whole population) were either 
 destitute of any rest for their legs at all, or passed the whole of 
 their leisure time in sitting upon boxes. 
 
 " SECTION D. MECHANICAL SCIENCE. 
 
 U COACH HOUSE, ORIGINAL PIG. 
 
 " PRESIDENT MR. CARTER. VICE-PRESIDENTS MR. TRUCK AND MR. 
 
 WAGHORN. 
 
 " Professor Queerspeck exhibited an elegant model of a port- 
 able railway, neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoat 
 pocket. By attaching this beautiful instrument to his boots, 
 any Bank or public-office clerk could transport himself from 
 his place of residence to his place of business, at the easy rate 
 of sixty-five miles an hour, which, to gentlemen of sedentary 
 pursuits, would be an incalculable advantage. 
 
 " The President was desirous of knowing whether it was ne- 
 cessary to have a level surface on which the gentleman was to 
 run. 
 
 " Professor Qeerspeck explained that City gentlemen would 
 run in trains, being handcuffed together to prevent confusion or 
 unpleasantness. For instance, trains would start every morning 
 at eight, nine, and ten o'clock, from Camden Town, Islington, 
 Camberwell, Hackney, and various other places in which City 
 gentlemen are accustomed to reside. It would be necessary to 
 have a level, but he had provided for this difficulty by proposing 
 that the best line that the circumstances would admit of, should 
 be taken through the sewers which undermine the streets of the 
 metropolis, and which, well lighted by jets from the gas-pipes 
 which run immediately above them, would form a pleasant and 
 commodious arcade, especially in winter-time, when the incon- 
 venient custom of carrying umbrellas, now so general, could be 
 wholly dispensed with. In reply to another question, Professor 
 Queerspeck stated that no substitute for the purposes to which 
 these arcades were at present devoted had yet occurred to him, 
 but that he hoped no fanciful objection on this head would be 
 allowed to interfere with so great an undertaking. 
 
 " Mr. Jobba produced a forcing-machine on a novel plan, for 
 
412 FIRST MEETING OF MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 
 
 bringing joint-stock railway shares prematurely to a premium. 
 The instrument was in the form of an elegant gilt weather-glass 
 of most dazzling appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, 
 after the manner of a pantomime trick, the strings being always 
 pulled by the directors of the company to which the machine 
 belonged. The quicksilver was so ingeniously placed, that 
 when the acting directors held shares in their pockets, figures 
 denoting very small expenses and very large returns appeared 
 upon the glass ; but the moment the directors parted with these 
 pieces of paper, the estimate of needful expenditure suddenly 
 increased itself to an immense extent, while the statements of 
 certain profits became reduced in the same proportion. Mr. 
 Jobba stated that the machine had been in constant requisition 
 for some months past, and he had never once known it to fail. 
 
 " A Member expressed his opinion that it was extremely neat 
 and pretty. He wished to know whether it was not liable to 
 accidental derangement ? Mr. Jobba said that the whole ma- 
 chine was undoubtedly liable to be blown up, but that was the 
 only objection to it. 
 
 " Professor Nogo arrived from the anatomical section to ex- 
 hibit a model of a safety fire-escape, which could be fixed at any 
 time, in less than half an hour, and by means of which, the 
 youngest or most infirm persons (successfully resisting the pro- 
 gress of the flames until it was quite ready) could be preserved 
 if they merely balanced themselves for a few minutes on the sill 
 of their bed-room window, and got into the escape without fall- 
 ing into the street. The Professor stated that the number of 
 boys who had been rescued in the day-time by this machine 
 from houses which were not on fire, was almost incredible. Not 
 a conflagration had occurred in the whole of London for many 
 months past to which the escape had not been carried on the 
 very next day, and put in action before a concourse of persons. 
 
 " The President inquired whether there was not some diffi- 
 culty in ascertaining which was the top of the machine, and 
 which the bottom, in cases of pressing emergency ? 
 
 " Professor Nogo explained that of course it could not be 
 expected to act quite as well when there was a fire, as when 
 there was not a fire ; but in the former case he thought it would 
 be of equal service whether the top were up or down." 
 
 With the last section, our correspondent concludes his most 
 able and faithful Report, which will never cease to reflect credit 
 upon him for his scientific attainments, and upon us for our en- 
 terprising spirit. It is needless to take a review of the subjects 
 which have been discussed ; of the mode in which they have been 
 examined ; of the great truths which they have elicited. They 
 are now before the world, and we leave them to read, to con- 
 sider, and to profit. 
 
 The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion, 
 and has at length been decided ; regard being had to, and evi- 
 
ODE TO MR. CROSS. 413 
 
 dence being taken upon, the goodness of its wines, the supply of 
 its markets, the hospitality of its inhabitants, and the quality of 
 its hotels. We hope at this next meeting our correspondent 
 may again be present, and that we may be once more the means 
 of placing his communications before the world. Until that pe- 
 riod we have been prevailed upon to allow this number of our 
 Miscellany to be retailed to the public, or wholesaled to the 
 trade, without any advance upon our usual price. 
 
 We have only to add, that the committees are now broken up, 
 and that Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed tran- 
 quillity, — that Professors and Members have had balls, and 
 soirees, and suppers, and great mutual complimentations, and 
 have at length dispersed to their several homes, — whither all 
 good wishes and joys attend them, until next year ! 
 
 Signed Boz. 
 
 A REMONSTRATORY ODE TO MR. CROSS. 
 
 BY JOYCE JOCUND. 
 
 Good Mr. Cross ! we hate the fuss 
 And flames of your Vesuvius, 
 Whose roaring quite convinces us, 
 
 As each successive shock 
 Grows louder, 
 That you deem a dose of powder, 
 With its deafening noise, 
 As good as medicine given to girls and boys 
 
 Suffering with measles or small-pock ;— 
 In short we do believe, beyond a doubt, 
 You physic us to bring th' eruption — out ! 
 
 In vain soft balmy sleep one courts, 
 On exhibition nights ; all sorts 
 Of terrible and strange reports 
 
 Drive rest away, and mock it. 
 Think you our wives can quiet keep, 
 Or that a child can go to sleep 
 
 The while you " squib and rocket ?" 
 
 I tell you, sir, I cannot count 
 The dangers to our daughters' fame ; 
 But this I '11 publish to their shame, 
 They find their sparks, and feel love's flame 
 
 Increasing ina-MOUNT ! 
 And tho' I 'm no amusement hater, 
 Yet, by my study of LAV-A-ter, 
 Vesuvius is a dangerous — crater ! 
 
 Bethink you, on some gala night, 
 Whether you 'd much enjoy the sight 
 Of beasts and birds all taking flight, 
 
 And from the gardens, making out, 
 Should your Eruption, with its jars, 
 Just chance to break their cages' bars. 
 
 That were indeed a " breaking out" 
 And din 
 I rather think you 'd be for " driving in !" 
 
 Come, Mr. Cross, for once do try 
 
 To be good-natured, and your name belie ; 
 
 Indulge no more these furious fiery fits ; 
 
 Let such freaks cease, 
 Blow up your Mount Vesuvius — all to bits, 
 
 And prithee let us have — *< a little peace !" 
 
41 i 
 
 MEMOIR OF BEAU NASH. 
 
 Richard Nash — or Beau Nash, as he is commonly called — was 
 born at Swansea, in the autumn of the year 1674. His father pos- 
 sessed a moderate income, which he derived from a partnership in 
 a glass manufactory; and his mother was niece to Colonel Poyer, a 
 chivalrous old Cavalier, who was executed by order of Cromwell for 
 defending Pembroke Castle against the assaults of the Roundheads. 
 At the usual age young Nash was sent to a private school at Car- 
 marthen, whence in due time he was transferred to Jesus College, 
 Oxford, where he distinguished himself by an extraordinary and pre- 
 cocious genius for intrigue and gallantry. Before he was seventeen, 
 he had got himself into at least a dozen delicate dilemmas ; and, but 
 for the seasonable interference of his college tutor, would have mar- 
 ried a female of abandoned character, whose wit and beauty had com- 
 pletely turned his brain. 
 
 Disheartened by such licentious conduct, his father abruptly 
 recalled him from the university, and purchased him a commis- 
 sion in the army; a profession of which he soon grew weary, the 
 more especially as he had little besides the slender pay of an en- 
 sign to support him. Finding, however, that it was necessary to 
 make some sort of exertion in order to obtain a decent livelihood, 
 our Beau entered himself as a law-student in the Temple, and for 
 some months applied himself assiduously to study. But his natural 
 volatility soon regained its usual ascendency over him, and, dismissing 
 all thoughts of acquiring fortune and reputation as a lawyer, he set 
 up for a man of wit and fashion about town, dressing, as one of his 
 biographers observes, " to the very edge of his finances," exhibiting 
 himself conspicuously in the side-boxes of the theatres, cultivating 
 the acquaintance of young men of rank and wealth, and practising 
 those arts of address and persuasion for which he was afterwards so 
 celebrated. 
 
 It was while he was a student in the Temple that a circum- 
 stance occurred which gave a wondrous lift to hie sense of self- 
 importance, and brought him before the gay world in the very way 
 he most preferred. It seems that it had been long the custom of the 
 different inns of court to entertain our sovereigns on their accession 
 to the crown with a dramatic pageant ; and, on the accession of Wil- 
 liam the Third, Nash was appointed to conduct this entertainment, a 
 task which he fulfilled so much to his Majesty's satisfaction, that he 
 made him an offer of knighthood. But he refused this honour, at the 
 same time hinting that he should have no objection to be made one 
 of the Poor Knights of Windsor, for then he should have a fortune 
 sufficient to maintain his new dignity. The King smiled, but took no 
 further notice of this broad hint, for he was not one to give pensions 
 without value received ; and jokes, even of the first water, always 
 ranked low in his estimation. 
 
 This affair of the pageant procured Nash many associates among the 
 rich and the titled, who were delighted by his good-humoured viva- 
 city, his easy assurance, his clever after-dinner stories, and his fami- 
 liar acquaintance with the habits of town life. Many characteristic 
 anecdotes are told of him at this gay period of his life. On one oc- 
 
209 
 
 FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE 
 MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT 
 OF EVERYTHING. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 
 
 In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of 
 recording, at an enormous expense, and by dint of exertions 
 unparalleled in the history of periodical publication, the pro- 
 ceedings of the Mudfog Association for the Advancement of 
 Everything, which in that month held its first great half-yearly 
 meeting, to the wonder and delight of the whole empire. We 
 announced at the conclusion of that extraordinary and most 
 remarkable Report, that when the Second Meeting of the Society 
 should take place we should be found again at our post, renew- 
 ing our gigantic and spirited endeavours, and once more making 
 the world ring with the accuracy, authenticity, immeasurable 
 superiority, and intense remarkability of our account of its pro- 
 ceedings. In redemption of this pledge, we caused to be des- 
 patched per steam to Oldcastle, (at which place this second 
 meeting of the Society was held on the 20th instant,) the same 
 superhumanly-endowed gentleman who furnished the former 
 report, and who, — gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, 
 and furnished by us with a body of assistants scarcely inferior 
 to himself, — has forwarded a series of letters, which for faithful- 
 ness of description, power of language, fervour of thought, hap- 
 piness of expression, and importance of subject-matter, have no 
 equal in the epistolary literature of any age or country. We 
 give this gentleman's correspondence entire, and in the order in 
 which it reached our office. 
 
 " Saloon of Steamer, Thursday night, half-past eight. 
 
 " When I left New Burlington Street this evening in the 
 hackney cabriolet, number four thousand two hundred and 
 eighty-five,. I experienced sensations as novel as they were op- 
 pressive. A sense of the importance of the task I had under- 
 taken, a consciousness that I was leaving London, and, stranger 
 still, going somewhere else, a feeling of loneliness and a sensa- 
 tion of jolting, quite bewildered my thoughts, and for a time 
 rendered me even insensible to the presence of my carpet-bag 
 and hat-box. I shall ever feel grateful to the driver of a Black- 
 wall omnibus, who, by thrusting the pole of his vehicle through 
 the small door of the cabriolet, awakened me from a tumult of 
 imaginings that are wholly indescribable. But of such materials 
 is our imperfect nature composed ! 
 
 " I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, 
 and shall thus be enabled to give you an account of all that 
 
 VOL. IV. Q 
 
210 REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING 
 
 happens in the order of its occurrence. The chimney is smoking 
 a good deal, and so are the crew ; and the captain, I am in- 
 formed, is very drunk in a little house upon deck, something 
 like a black turnpike. I should infer from all I hear that he 
 has got the steam up. 
 
 M You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made 
 the discovery that my berth is in the same closet with those 
 engaged by Professor Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor 
 Grime. Professor Woodensconce has taken the shelf above me, 
 and Mr. Slug and Professor Grime the two shelves opposite. 
 Their luggage has already arrived. On Mr. Slug's bed is a long 
 tin tube of about three inches in diameter, carefully closed at 
 both ends. What can this contain ? Some powerful instrument 
 of a new construction, doubtless." 
 
 " Ten minutes past nine, 
 
 (i Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in my 
 way except several joints of beef and mutton, from which I con- 
 clude that a good plain dinner has been provided for to-morrow. 
 There is a singular smell below, which gave me some uneasiness 
 at first ; but as the steward says it is always there, and never 
 goes away, I am quite comfortable again. I learn from this 
 man that the different sections will be distributed at the Black 
 Boy and Stomach-ache, and the Boot-jack and Countenance. 
 If this intelligence be true, (and I have no reason to doubt it,) 
 your readers will draw such conclusions as their different opi- 
 nions may suggest. 
 
 " I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the 
 facts come to my knowledge, in order that my first impressions 
 may lose nothing of their original vividness. I shall despatch 
 them in small packets as opportunities arise." 
 
 " Half-past nine. 
 
 " Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf. I think 
 it is a travelling carriage." 
 
 «9. A quarter to ten. 
 " No, it isn't." 
 
 " Half-past ten. 
 
 " The passengers are pouring in every instant. Four omni- 
 buses full have just arrived upon the wharf, and all is bustle and 
 activity. The noise and confusion are very great. Cloths are 
 laid in the cabins, and the steward is placing blue plates-full of 
 knobs of cheese at equal distances down the centre of the tables. 
 He drops a great many knobs ; but, being used to it, picks them 
 up again with great dexterity, and, after wiping them on his 
 sleeve, throws them back into the plates. He is a young man 
 of exceedingly prepossessing appearance, — either dirty or a 
 mulatto, but I think the former. 
 
 " An interesting old gentleman who came to the wharf in an 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 211 
 
 omnibus has just quarrelled violently with the porters, and is 
 staggering towards the vessel with a large trunk in his arms. 
 I trust and hope that he may reach it in safety ; but the board 
 he has to cross is narrow and slippery. Was that a splash ? 
 Gracious powers ! 
 
 " I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing 
 upon the extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is 
 nowhere to be seen. The watchman is not sure whether he went 
 down or not, but promises to drag for him the first thing to- 
 morrow morning. May his humane efforts prove successful ! 
 
 " Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap 
 on under his hat. He has ordered a glass of cold brandy and 
 water, with a hard biscuit and a bason, and has gone straight to 
 bed. What can this mean ! 
 
 " The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have already 
 alluded have come on board, and have all tried their beds, with 
 the exception of Professor Woodensconce, who sleeps in one of 
 the top ones, and can't get into it. Mr. Slug, who sleeps in the 
 other top one, is unable to get out of his, and is to have 
 his supper handed up by a boy. I have had the honour to 
 introduce myself to these gentlemen, and we have amicably 
 arranged the order in which we shall retire to rest ; which it is 
 necessary to agree upon, because, although the cabin is very 
 comfortable, there is not room for more than one gentleman to 
 be out of bed at a time, and even he must take his boots off in 
 the passage. 
 
 " As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for the 
 passengers' supper, and are now in course of consumption. 
 Your readers will be surprised to hear that Professor Wooden- 
 sconce has abstained from cheese for eight years, although he 
 takes butter in considerable quantities. Professor Grime having 
 lost several teeth, is unable, I observe, to eat his crusts without 
 previously soaking them in his bottled porter. How interesting 
 are these peculiarities !" 
 
 " Half-past eleven. 
 
 " Professors Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree of 
 good humour that delights us all, have just arranged to toss for 
 a bottle of mulled port. There has been some discussion whether 
 the payment should be decided by the first toss or the best out 
 of three. Eventually the latter course has been determined on. 
 Deeply do I wish that both gentlemen could win ; but that 
 being impossible, I own that my personal aspirations (I speak 
 as an individual, and do not compromise either you or your 
 readers by this expression of feeling) are with Professor Wood- 
 ensconce. I have backed that gentleman to the amount of 
 eighteenpence." 
 
 " Twenty minutes to twelve. 
 
 " Professor Grime has inadvertently tossed his half-crown 
 out of one of the cabin-windows, and it has been arranged that 
 
 Q 2 
 
212 REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING 
 
 the steward shall toss for him. Bets are offered on any side to 
 any amount, but there are no takers. 
 
 " Professor Woodensconce has just called ' woman ;' but the 
 coin having lodged in a beam is a long time coming down 
 again. The interest and suspense of this one moment are beyond 
 anything that can be imagined." 
 
 " Twelve o'clock. 
 
 " The mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and 
 Professor Grime has won. Tossing is a game of chance ; but on 
 every ground, whether of public or private character, intellectual 
 endowments, or scientific attainments, I cannot help expressing 
 my opinion that Professor Woodensconce ought to have come off 
 victorious. There is an exultation about Professor Grime in- 
 compatible, 1 fear, with true greatness." 
 
 ' c A quarter past twelve. 
 
 " Professor Grime continues to exult, and to boast of his 
 victory in no very measured terms, observing that he always 
 does win, and that he knew it would be a * head ' beforehand, 
 with many other remarks of a similar nature. Surely this gen- 
 tleman is not so lost to every feeling of decency and propriety 
 as not to feel and know the superiority of Professor Wooden- 
 sconce. Is Professor Grime insane ? or does he wish to be re- 
 minded in plain language of his true position in society, and the 
 precise level of his acquirements and abilities ? Professor 
 Grime will do well to look to this." 
 
 " One o'clock. 
 
 " I am writing in bed. The small cabin is illuminated by the 
 feeble light of a flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling ; 
 Professor Grime is lying on the opposite shelf on the broad of 
 his back, with his mouth wide open. The scene is indescribably 
 solemn. The rippling of the tide, the noise of the sailors'' feet 
 over-head, the gruff voices on the river, the dogs on the shore, 
 the snoring of the passengers, and a constant creaking of every 
 plank in the vessel, are the only sounds that meet the ear. With 
 these exceptions, all is profound silence. 
 
 " My curiosity has been within the last moment very much 
 excited. Mr. Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cau- 
 tiously withdrawn the curtains of his berth, and, after looking 
 anxiously out, as if to satisfy himself that his companions are 
 asleep, has taken up the tin tube of which I have before spoken, 
 and is regarding it with great interest. What rare mechanical 
 combination can be contained in that mysterious case? It is 
 evidently a profound secret to all." 
 
 " A quarter past one. 
 
 " The behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more myste- 
 rious. He has unscrewed the top of the tube, and now renews 
 his observations upon his companions • evidently to make sure 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 213 
 
 that he is wholly unobserved. He is clearly on the eve of some 
 great experiment. Pray heaven that it be not a dangerous 
 one ; but the interests of science must be promoted, and I am 
 prepared for the worst." 
 
 " Five minutes later. 
 
 " He has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll 
 of some substance, not unlike parchment in appearance, from 
 the tin case. The experiment is about to begin. I must strain 
 my eyes to the utmost, in the attempt to follow its minutest 
 operation." 
 
 " Twenty minutes before Two. 
 
 " I have at length been enabled to ascertain that the tin tube 
 contains a few yards of some celebrated plaster, recommended — 
 as I discover on regarding the label attentively through my eye- 
 glass — as a preservative against sea-sickness. Mr. Slug has cut 
 it up into small portions, and is now sticking it over himself 
 in every direction." 
 
 " Three o'clock. 
 
 " Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, 
 and the machinery was suddenly put in motion with a noise so 
 appalling, that Professor Woodensconce (who had ascended to 
 his berth by means of a platform of carpet bags arranged by 
 himself on geometrical principles) darted from his shelf head 
 foremost, and, gaining his feet with all the rapidity of extreme 
 terror, ran wildly into the ladies' cabin, under the impression that 
 we were sinking, and uttering loud cries for aid. I am assured 
 that the scene which ensued baffles all description. There were 
 one hundred and forty-seven ladies in their respective berths at 
 the time. 
 
 " Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the 
 extreme ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of 
 navigation, that in whatever part of the vessel a passenger's 
 berth may be situated, the machinery always appears to be 
 exactly under his pillow. He intends stating this very beauti- 
 ful, though simple discovery, to the association." 
 
 " Half-past three. 
 
 " We are still in smooth water ; that is to say in as smooth 
 water as a steam-vessel ever can be, for, as Professor Wooden- 
 sconce (who has just woke up) learnedly remarks, another great 
 point of ingenuity about a steamer is, that it always carries a 
 little storm with it. You can scarcely conceive how exciting 
 the jerking pulsation of the ship becomes. It is a matter of 
 positive difficulty to get to sleep." 
 
 " Friday afternoon, six o'clock. 
 
 " I regret to inform you that Mr. Slug's plaster has proved 
 of no avail. He is in great agony, but has applied several large 
 
214 REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING 
 
 additional pieces notwithstanding. How affecting is this ex- 
 treme devotion to science and pursuit of knowledge under the 
 most trying circumstances ! 
 
 "We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast 
 was one of the most animated description. Nothing unpleasant 
 occurred until noon, with the exception of Doctor Foxey's 
 brown silk umbrella and white hat becoming entangled in the 
 machinery while he was explaining to a knot of ladies the con- 
 struction of the steam-engine. I fear the gravy soup for lunch 
 was injudicious. We lost a great many passengers almost im- 
 mediately afterwards." 
 
 " Half-past six. 
 
 " I am again in bed. Anything so heart-rending as Mr. 
 Slug's sufferings it has never yet been my lot to witness." 
 
 w Seven o'clock. 
 
 " A messenger has just come down for a clean pocket-hand- 
 kerchief from Professor Woodensconce's bag, that unfortunate 
 gentleman being quite unable to leave the deck, and imploring 
 constantly to be thrown overboard. From this man I under- 
 stand that Professor Nogo, though in a state of utter exhaus- 
 tion, clings feebly to the hard biscuit and cold brandy and 
 water, under the impression that they will yet restore him. 
 Such is the triumph of mind over matter. 
 
 " Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well ; 
 but he will eat, and it is disagreeable to see him. Has this 
 gentleman no sympathy with the sufferings of his fellow-crea- 
 tures ? If he has, on what principle can he call for mutton- 
 chops — and smile ?" 
 
 " Black Boy and Stomach-ache, Oldcastle, Saturday noon. 
 
 " You will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived 
 here in safety. The town is excessively crowded, and all the 
 private lodgings and hotels are filled with savans of both sexes. 
 The tremendous assemblage of intellect that one encounters in 
 every street is in the last degree overwhelming. 
 
 " Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been 
 fortunate enough to meet with very comfortable accommodation 
 on very reasonable terms, having secured a sofa in the first-floor 
 passage at one guinea per night, which includes permission to 
 take my meals in the bar, on condition that I walk about the 
 streets at all other times, to make room for other gentlemen simi- 
 larly situated. I have been over the outhouses intended to be 
 devoted to the reception of the various sections, both here and 
 at the Boot-jack and Countenance, and am much delighted with 
 the arrangements. Nothing can exceed the fresh appearance of 
 the saw-dust with which the floors are sprinkled. The forms 
 are of unplaned deal, and the general effect, as you can well 
 imagine, is extremely beautiful. ,, 
 
OF THE MUDFOO ASSOCIATION. 215 
 
 " Half-past nine, 
 " The number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite bewil- 
 dering. Within the last ten minutes a stage-coach has driven 
 up to the door, filled inside and out with distinguished charac- 
 ters, comprising Mr. Muddlebranes, Mr. Drawley, Professor 
 Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. X. Misty, Mr. Purblind, Professor 
 Rummun, The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, Pro- 
 fessor John Ketch, Sir William Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. 
 Smith (of London), Mr. Brown (of Edinburgh), Sir Hook- 
 ham Snivey, and Professor Pumpkinskull. The ten last-named 
 gentlemen were wet through, and looked extremely intel- 
 ligent." 
 
 " Sunday, two o'clock, p.m. 
 
 " The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, accom- 
 panied by Sir William Joltered, walked and drove this morn- 
 ing. They accomplished the former feat in boots, and the 
 latter in a hired fly. This has naturally given rise to much 
 discussion. 
 
 64 1 have just learnt that an interview has taken place at the 
 Boot- Jack and Countenance between Sowster, the active and 
 intelligent beadle of this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, 
 who, as your readers are doubtless aware, is an influential 
 member of the council. I forbear to communicate any of the 
 rumours to which this very extraordinary proceeding has given 
 rise until I have seen Sowster, and endeavoured to ascertain the 
 truth from him." 
 
 " Half-past six. 
 " I engaged a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the above, 
 and proceeded at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster's resi- 
 dence, passing through a beautiful expanse of country with red 
 brick buildings on either side, and stopping in the market-place 
 to observe the spot where Mr. Kwakley's hat was blown off yes- 
 terday. It is an uneven piece of paving, but has certainly no 
 appearance which would lead one to suppose that any such 
 event had recently occurred there. From this point I proceed- 
 ed — passing the gas-works and tallow-melter's — to a lane which 
 had been pointed out to me as the beadle's place of residence ; 
 and before I had driven a dozen yards further, I had the good 
 fortune to meet Sowster himself advancing towards me. 
 
 " Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged developement 
 of that peculiar conformation of countenance which is vulgarly 
 termed a double chin than I remember to have ever seen before. 
 He has also a very red nose, which he attributes to a habit of 
 early rising — so red, indeed, that but for this explanation I 
 should have supposed it to proceed from occasional inebriety. 
 He informed me that he did not feel himself at liberty to relate 
 what had passed between himself and Professor Pumpkinskull, 
 
216 REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING 
 
 but had no objection to state that it was connected with a matter 
 of police regulation, and added with peculiar significance, 8 Never 
 wos sitch times !' 
 
 " You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me con- 
 siderable surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I 
 lost no time in waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating 
 the object of my visit. After a few moments' reflection, the 
 Professor, who, I am bound to say, behaved with the utmost 
 politeness, openly avowed (I mark the passage in italics) that he 
 had requested Soivster to attend on the Monday morning at the 
 Boot-jack and Countenance, to keep off the boys; and that he 
 had further desired that the tinder-beadle might be stationed, 
 with the same object, at the Black Boy and Stomach-ache ! 
 
 " Now, I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your com- 
 ments and the consideration of your readers. I have yet to 
 learn that a beadle, without the precincts of a church, church- 
 yard, or workhouse, and acting otherwise than under the ex- 
 press orders of churchwardens and overseers in council assem- 
 bled, to enforce the law against people who come upon the 
 parish, and other offenders, has any lawful authority whatever 
 over the rising youth of this country. I have yet to learn that 
 a beadle can be called out by any civilian to exercise a domi- 
 nation and despotism over the boys of Britain. I have yet to 
 learn that a beadle will be permitted by the commissioners of 
 poor law regulation to wear out the soles and heels of his boots 
 in illegal interference with the liberties of people not proved 
 poor or otherwise criminal. I have yet to learn that a beadle 
 has power to stop up the Queen's highway at his will and plea- 
 sure, or that the whole width of the street is not free and open 
 to any man, boy, or woman in existence, up to the very walls 
 of the houses — ay, be they Black Boys and Stomach-aches, or 
 Boot-jacks and Countenances, I care not." 
 
 " Nine o'clock, 
 
 " I have procured a local artist to make a faithful sketch of 
 the tyrant Sowster, which, as he has acquired this infamous ce- 
 lebrity, you will no doubt wish to have engraved for the pur- 
 pose of presenting a copy with every copy of your next number. 
 I enclose it. The under-beadle has consented to write his life, 
 but it is to be strictly anonymous. 
 
 " The accompanying likeness is of course from the life, and 
 complete in every respect. Even if I had been totally ignorant 
 of the man's real character, and it had been placed before me 
 without remark, I should have shuddered involuntarily. There 
 is an intense malignity of expression in the features, and a bale- 
 ful ferocity of purpose in the ruffian's eye, which appals and 
 sickens. His whole air is rampant with cruelty, nor is the 
 stomach less characteristic of his demoniac propensities. 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 
 
 217 
 
 TJte Tfratit Sowster. 
 
 " Monday. 
 " The great day has at length arrived. I have neither eyes, 
 nor ears, nor pens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything but the 
 wonderful proceedings that have astounded my senses. Let 
 me collect my energies and proceed to the account. 1 ' 
 
213 REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING 
 
 SECTION A. ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. 
 
 FRONT PARLOUR, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. 
 
 PRESIDENT — SIR WILLIAM JOLTERED. VICE-PRESIDENTS — MR. MUDDLE- 
 BRANES AND MR. DRAWLEY. 
 
 " Mr. X. X. Misty communicated some remarks on the dis- 
 appearance of dancing bears from the streets of London, with 
 observations on the exhibition of monkeys as connected with 
 barrel-organs. The writer had observed, with feelings of the 
 utmost pain and regret, that some years ago a sudden and unac- 
 countable change in the public taste took place with refer- 
 ence to itinerant bears, who, being discountenanced by the po- 
 pulace, gradually fell off one by one from the streets of the me- 
 tropolis, until not one remained to create a taste for natural his- 
 tory in the breasts of the poor and uninstructed. One bear, in- 
 deed, — a brown and ragged animal, — had lingered about the 
 haunts of his former triumphs, with a worn and dejected visage 
 and feeble limbs, and had essayed to wield his quarter-staff for 
 the amusement of the multitude ; but hunger, and an utter 
 want of any due recompence for his abilities, had at length 
 driven him from the field, and it was only too probable that he 
 had fallen a sacrifice to the rising taste for grease. He regret- 
 ted to add that a similar, and no less lamentable change, had 
 taken place with reference to monkeys. These delightful animals 
 had formerly been almost as plentiful as the organs on the 
 tops of which they were accustomed to sit ; the proportion in 
 the year 1829 (it appeared by the parliamentary return) being 
 as one monkey to three organs. Owing, however, to an altered 
 taste in musical instruments, and the substitution, in a great 
 measure, of narrow boxes of music for organs, which left the mon- 
 keys nothing to sit upon, this source of public amusement was 
 wholly dried up. Considering it a matter of the deepest im- 
 portance, in connection with national education, that the people 
 should not lose such opportunities of making themselves ac- 
 quainted with the manners and customs of two most interesting 
 species of animals, the author submitted that some measures 
 should be immediately taken for the restoration of these pleas- 
 ing and truly intellectual amusements. 
 
 "The President inquired by what means the honourable 
 member proposed to attain this most desirable end ? 
 
 " The Author submitted that it could be most fully and sa- 
 tisfactorily accomplished, if Her Majesty's government would 
 cause to be brought over to England, and maintained at the 
 public expense, and for the public amusement, such a number 
 of bears as would enable every quarter of the town to be visited — 
 say at least by three bears a week. No difficulty whatever need 
 be experienced in providing a fitting place for the reception of 
 these animals, as a commodious bear-garden could be erected in 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 219 
 
 the immediate neighbourhood of both houses of parliament ; 
 obviously the most proper and eligible spot for such an esta- 
 blishment. 
 
 " Professor Mull doubted very much whether any correct 
 ideas of natural history were propagated by the means to which 
 the honourable member had so ably adverted. On the contrary, 
 he believed that they had been the means of diffusing very in- 
 correct and imperfect notions on the subject. He spoke from 
 personal observation and personal experience, when he said that 
 many children of great abilities had been induced to believe, 
 from what they had observed in the streets, at and before the 
 period to which the honourable gentleman had referred, that all 
 monkeys were born in red coats and spangles, and that their 
 hats and feathers also came by nature. He wished to know dis- 
 tinctly whether the honourable gentleman attributed the want 
 of encouragement the bears had met with to the decline of pub- 
 lic taste in that respect, or to a want of ability on the part of 
 the bears themselves ? 
 
 " Mr. X. X. Misty replied, that he could not bring himself to 
 believe but that there must be a great deal of floating talent 
 among the bears and monkeys generally ; which, in the absence 
 of any proper encouragement, was dispersed in other directions. 
 
 " Professor Pumprinskull wished to take that opportunity of 
 calling the attention of the section to a most important and se- 
 rious point. The author of the treatise just read had alluded to 
 the prevalent taste for bears'-grease as a means of promoting the 
 growth of hair, which undoubtedly was diffused to a very great 
 and (as it appeared to him) very alarming extent. No gentle- 
 man attending that section could fail to be aware of the fact that 
 the youth of the present age evinced, by their behaviour in the 
 streets, and at all places of public resort, a considerable lack of 
 that gallantry and gentlemanly feeling which, in more ignorant 
 times, had been thought becoming. He wished to know whether 
 it were possible that a constant outward application of bears'- 
 grease by the young gentlemen about town, had imperceptibly 
 infused into those unhappy persons something of the nature and 
 quality of the bear ? He shuddered as he threw out the re- 
 mark ; but if this theory, on inquiry, should prove to be well- 
 founded, it would at once explain a great deal of unpleasant ec- 
 centricity of behaviour, which, without some such discovery, 
 was wholly unaccountable. 
 
 " The President highly complimented the learned gentle- 
 man on his most valuable suggestion, which produced the great- 
 est effect upon the assembly ; and remarked that only a week 
 previous he had seen some young gentlemen at a theatre eyeing 
 a box of ladies with a fierce intensity, which nothing but the 
 influence of some brutish appetite could possibly explain. It 
 was dreadful to reflect that our youth were so rapidly verging 
 into a generation of bears. 
 
220 REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING 
 
 " After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that 
 this important question should be immediately submitted to the 
 consideration of the council. 
 
 u The President wished to know whether any gentleman 
 could inform the section what had become of the dancing-dogs ? 
 
 "A Member replied, after some hesitation, that on the day 
 after three glee-singers had been committed to prison as crimi- 
 nals by a late most zealous police-magistrate of the metropolis, 
 the dogs had abandoned their professional duties, and dis- 
 persed themselves in different quarters of the town to gain a 
 livelihood by less dangerous means. He was given to under- 
 stand that since that period they had supported themselves by 
 lying in wait for and robbing blind men's poodles. 
 
 " Mr. Flummery exhibited a twig, claiming to be a veri- 
 table branch of that noble tree known to naturalists as the 
 Shakspeare, which has taken root in every land and climate, 
 and gathered under the shade of its broad green boughs the 
 great family of mankind. The learned gentleman remarked, 
 that the twig had been undoubtedly called by other names in 
 its time ; but that it had been pointed out to him by an old 
 lady in Warwickshire, where the great tree had grown, as a 
 shoot of the genuine Shakspeare, by which name he begged to 
 introduce it to his countrymen. 
 
 u The President wished to know what botanical definition the 
 honourable gentleman could afford of the curiosity ? 
 
 " Mr. Flummery expressed his opinion that it was a decided 
 plant."" 
 
 section b. display of models and mechanical science. 
 
 LARGE ROOM, BOOT-JACK AND COUNTENANCE. 
 PRESIDENT MR. MALLET. VICE-PRESIDENTS— MESSRS. LEAVER AND SCROO. 
 
 " Mr. Crinkles exhibited a most beautiful and delicate ma- 
 chine, of little larger size than an ordinary snuff-box, manufac- 
 tured entirely by himself, and composed exclusively of steel ; 
 by the aid of which more pockets could be picked in one hour 
 than by the present slow and tedious process in four-and-twenty. 
 The inventor remarked that it had been put into active ope- 
 ration in Fleet Street, the Strand, and other thoroughfares, and 
 had never been once known to fail. 
 
 " After some slight delay, occasioned by the various members 
 of the section buttoning their pockets, 
 
 " The President narrowly inspected the invention, and de- 
 clared that he had never seen a machine of more beautiful or 
 exquisite construction. Would the inventor be good enough to 
 inform the section whether he had taken any and what means 
 for bringing it into general operation ? 
 
 " Mr. Crinkles stated that, after encountering some prelimi- 
 nary difficulties, he had succeeded in putting himself in commu- 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 221 
 
 nication with Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other gentlemen connected 
 with the swell mob, who had awarded the invention the very 
 highest and most unqualified approbation. He regretted to say, 
 however, that these distinguished practitioners, in common with 
 a gentleman of the name of Gimlet-eyed-Tommy, and other 
 members of a secondary grade of the profession whom he was 
 understood to represent, entertained an insuperable objection 
 to its being brought into general use, on the ground that it 
 would have the inevitable effect of almost entirely superseding 
 manual labour, and throwing a great number of highly-deserv- 
 ing persons out of employment. 
 
 " The President hoped that no such fanciful objections would 
 be allowed to stand in the way of such a great public improve- 
 ment. 
 
 " Mr. Crinkles hoped so too ; but he feared that if the 
 gentlemen of the swell mob persevered in their objection, no- 
 thing could be done. 
 
 " Professor Grime suggested, that surely, in that case, Her 
 Majesty's government might be prevailed upon to take it up. 
 
 " Mr. Crinkles said, that if the objection were found to be 
 insuperable he should apply to parliament, which he thought 
 could not fail to recognise the utility of the invention. 
 
 " The President observed, that up to this time parliament 
 had certainly got on very well without it ; but, as they did 
 their business on a very large scale, he had no doubt they would 
 gladly adopt the improvement. His only fear was that the 
 machine might be worn out by constant working. 
 
 " Mr. Coppernose called the attention of the section to a 
 proposition of great magnitude and interest, illustrated by a 
 vast number of models, and stated with much clearness and 
 perspicuity in a treatise entitled " Practical Suggestions on 
 the necessity of providing some harmless and wholesome re- 
 laxation for the young noblemen of England." His proposition 
 was, that a space of ground of not less than ten miles in length 
 and four in breadth should be purchased by a new company, 
 to be incorporated by Act of Parliament, and inclosed by a 
 brick wall of not less than twelve feet in height. He proposed 
 that it should be laid out with highway roads, turnpikes, 
 bridges, miniature villages, and every object that could conduce 
 to the comfort and glory of Four-in-hand Clubs, so that they 
 might be fairly presumed to require no drive beyond it. This 
 delightful retreat would be fitted up with most commodious 
 and extensive stables for the convenience of such of the no- 
 bility and gentry as had a taste for ostlering, and with houses 
 of entertainment furnished in the most expensive and handsome 
 style. It would be further provided with whole streets of 
 door-knockers and bell-handles of extra size, so constructed 
 that they could be easily wrenched off at night, and regularly 
 screwed on again, by attendants provided for the purpose, 
 
222 REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING 
 
 every day. There would also be gas-lamps of real glass, which 
 could be broken at a comparatively small expense per dozen, 
 and a broad and handsome foot-pavement for gentlemen to 
 drive their cabriolets upon when they were humorously dis- 
 posed — for the full enjoyment of which feat live pedestrians 
 would be procured from the workhouse at a very small charge 
 per head. The place being inclosed and carefully screened 
 from the intrusion of the public, there would be no objection 
 to gentlemen laying aside any article of their costume that was 
 considered to interfere with a pleasant frolic, or indeed to their 
 walking about without any costume at all, if they liked that 
 better. In short, every facility of enjoyment would be afforded 
 that the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire. But 
 as even these advantages would be incomplete, unless there were 
 some means provided of enabling the nobility and gentry to 
 display their prowess when they sallied forth after dinner, and 
 as some inconvenience might be experienced in the event of 
 their being reduced to the necessity of pummelling each other, 
 the inventor had turned his attention to the construction of an 
 entirely new police force, composed exclusively of automaton 
 figures, which, with the assistance of the ingenious Signor Gag- 
 liardi, of Windmill-street in the Haymarket, he had succeeded 
 in making with such nicety, that a policeman, cab-driver, or old 
 woman, made upon the principle of the models exhibited, would 
 walk about until knocked down like any real man ; nay, more, 
 if set upon and beaten by six or eight noblemen or gentlemen, 
 after it was down, the figure would utter divers groans mingled 
 with entreaties for mercy : thus rendering the illusion complete, 
 and the enjoyment perfect. But the invention did not stop even 
 here, for station-houses would be built, containing good beds for 
 noblemen and gentlemen during the night, and in the morning 
 they would repair to a commodious police office where a pan- 
 tomimic investigation would take place before automaton ma- 
 gistrates, — quite equal to life, — who would fine them in so many 
 counters, with which they would be previously provided for 
 the purpose. This office would be furnished with an inclined 
 plane for the convenience of any nobleman or gentleman who 
 might wish to bring in his horse as a witness, and the prisoners 
 would be at perfect liberty, as they were now, to interrupt 
 the complainants as much as they pleased, and to make any 
 remarks that they thought proper. The charge for these 
 amusements would amount to very little more than they al- 
 ready cost, and the inventor submitted that the public would 
 be much benefited and comforted by the proposed arrange- 
 ment. 
 
 " Professor Nogo wished to be informed what amount of 
 automaton police force it was proposed to raise in the first 
 instance. 
 
 " Mr. Coppernose replied, that it was proposed to begin with 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 223 
 
 seven divisions of police of a score each, lettered from A to G 
 inclusive. It was proposed that not more than half this num- 
 ber should be placed on active duty, and that the remainder 
 should be kept on shelves in the police office ready to be called 
 out at a moment's notice. 
 
 " The President, awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious 
 gentleman who had originated the idea, doubted whether the 
 automaton police would quite answer the purpose. He feared 
 that noblemen and gentlemen would perhaps require the ex- 
 citement of threshing living subjects. 
 
 " Mr. Coppernose submitted, that as the usual odds in 
 such cases were ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or 
 cab-driver, it could make very little difference in point of excite- 
 ment whether the policeman or cab driver were a man or a block. 
 The great advantage would be, that a policeman's limbs might 
 be all knocked off, and yet he would be in a condition to do 
 duty next day. He might even give his evidence next morning 
 with his head in his hand, and give it equally well. 
 
 " Professor Muff. — Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of 
 what materials it is intended that the magistrates 1 heads shall be 
 composed ? 
 
 " Mr. Coppernose. — The magistrates will have wooden heads 
 of course, and they will be made of the toughest and thickest 
 materials that can possibly be obtained. 
 
 " Professor Muff. — I am quite satisfied. This is a great in- 
 vention. 
 
 " Professor Nogo. — I see but one objection to it. It appears 
 to me that the magistrates ought to talk. 
 
 " Mr. Coppernose no sooner heard this suggestion than he 
 touched a small spring in each of the two models of magistrates 
 which were placed upon the table; one of the figures imme- 
 diately began to exclaim with great volubility that he was sorry 
 to see gentlemen in such a situation, and the other to express 
 a fear that the policeman was intoxicated. 
 
 " The section, as with one accord, declared with a shout of 
 applause that the invention was complete; and the President, 
 much excited, retired with Mr. Coppernose to lay it before 
 the council. On his return, 
 
 " Mr. Tickle displayed his newly-invented spectacles, which 
 enabled the wearer to discern, in very bright colours, objects at 
 a great distance, and rendered him wholly blind to those im- 
 mediately before him. It was, he said, a most valuable and 
 useful invention, based strictly upon the principle of the human 
 eye. 
 
 " The President required some information upon this point. 
 He had yet to learn that the human eye was remarkable for the 
 peculiarities of which the honourable gentleman had spoken. 
 
 " Mr. Tickle was rather astonished to hear this, when the 
 President could not fail to be aware that a large number of 
 
224 "report of the second meeting 
 
 most excellent persons and great statesmen could see, with the 
 naked eye, most marvellous horrors on West India planta- 
 tions, while they could discern nothing whatever in the interior 
 of Manchester cotton mills. He must know, too, with what 
 quickness of perception most people could discover their neigh- 
 bour's faults, and how very blind they were to their own. If 
 the President differed from the great, majority of men in this 
 respect, his eye was a defective one, and it was to assist his 
 vision that these glasses were made. 
 
 " Mr. Blank exhibited a model of a fashionable annual, com- 
 posed of copper-plates, gold leaf, and silk boards, and worked 
 entirely by milk and water. 
 
 " Mr. Prosee, after examining the machine, declared it to be 
 so ingeniously composed, that he was wholly unable to discover 
 how it went on at all. 
 
 " Mr. Blank. — Nobody can, and that is the beauty of it." 
 
 SECTION C. ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. 
 
 BAR-ROOM, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. 
 PRESIDENT DR. SOEMUP. VICE-PRESIDENTS — MESSRS. PESSELL AND MORTAIR. 
 
 " Dr. Grummidge stated to the section a most interesting case 
 of monomania, and described the course of treatment he had 
 pursued with perfect success. The patient was a married lady 
 in the middle rank of life, who, having seen another lady at an 
 evening party in a full suit of pearls, was suddenly seized 
 with a desire to possess a similar equipment, although her hus- 
 band's finances were by no means equal to the necessary outlay. 
 Finding her wish ungratified, she fell sick, and the symptoms 
 soon became so alarming, that he (Dr. Grummidge) was called 
 in. At this period the prominent tokens of the disorder were 
 sullenness, a total indisposition to perform domestic duties, 
 great peevishness, and extreme langour, except when pearls were 
 mentioned, at which times the pulse quickened, the eyes grew 
 brighter, the pupils dilated, and the patient, after various in- 
 coherent exclamations, burst into a passion of tears and ex- 
 claimed that nobody cared for her, and that she wished herself 
 dead. Finding that the patient's appetite was affected in the 
 presence of company, he began by ordering a total abstinence 
 from all stimulants, and forbidding any sustenance but weak 
 gruel ; he then took twenty ounces of blood, applied a blister 
 under each ear, one upon the chest and another on the back ; 
 having done which, and administered five grains of calomel, 
 he left the patient to her repose. The next day she was some- 
 what low, but decidedly better, and all appearances of irri- 
 tation were removed. The next day she improved still further, 
 and on the next again. On the fourth there was some appear- 
 ance of a return of the old symptoms, which no sooner developed 
 themselves than he administered another dose of calomel, and 
 left strict orders that, unless a decidedly favourable change oc- 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 225 
 
 curred within two hours, the patient's head should be immediately 
 shaved to the very last curl. From that moment she began to 
 mend, and in less than four-and-twenty hours, was perfectly 
 restored ; she did not now betray the least emotion at the sight 
 or mention of pearls or any other ornaments. She was cheerful 
 and good-humoured, and a most beneficial change had been 
 effected in her whole temperament and condition. 
 
 " Mr. Pipkin (M.R.C.S.) read a short but most interesting 
 communication in which he sought to prove the complete belief 
 of Sir William Courtenay, otherwise Thorn, recently shot at 
 Canterbury, in the Homocepathic system. The section would 
 bear in mind that one of the Homocepathic doctrines was, that 
 infinitessimal doses of any medicine which would occasion the 
 disease under which the patient laboured, supposing him to be in 
 a healthy state, would cure it. Now, it was a remarkable circum- 
 stance — proved in the evidence — that the deceased Thorn em- 
 ployed a woman to follow him about all day with a pail of 
 water, assuring her that one drop (a purely homocepathic re- 
 medy, the section would observe,) placed upon his tongue, after 
 death, would restore him. What was the obvious inference ? 
 That Thorn, who was marching and countermarching in osier 
 beds, and other swampy places, was impressed with a presenti- 
 ment that he should be drowned ; in which case, had his in- 
 structions been complied with, he could not fail to have been 
 brought to life again instantly by his own prescription. As it 
 was, if this woman, or any other person, had administered an 
 infinitessimal dose of lead and gunpowder immediately after he 
 fell, he would have recovered forthwith. But unhappily the 
 woman concerned did not possess the power of reasoning 
 by analogy, or carrying out a principle, and thus the unfor- 
 tunate gentleman had been sacrificed to the ignorance of the 
 peasantry. 
 
 SECTION D. STATISTICS. 
 
 OUT-HOUSE, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. 
 
 PRESIDENT MR. SLUG. VICE-PRESIDENTS — MESSRS. NOAKES AND STYLES. 
 
 " Mr. Kwakley stated the result, of some most ingenious sta- 
 tistical inquiries relative to the difference between the value of 
 the qualification of several members of Parliament as published 
 to the world, and its real nature and amount. After reminding 
 the section that every member of Parliament for a town or bo- 
 rough was supposed to possess a clear freehold estate of three 
 hundred pounds per annum, the honourable gentleman excited 
 great amusement and laughter by stating the exact amount of 
 freehold property possessed by a column of legislators, in which 
 he had included himself. It appeared from this table that the 
 amount of such income possessed by each was pounds, shil- 
 lings, and pence, yielding an average of the same. (Great 
 
 VOL. IV. R 
 
226 REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING 
 
 laughter.) It was pretty well known that there were accommo- 
 dating gentlemen in the habit of furnishing new members with 
 temporary qualifications, to the ownership of which they swore 
 solemnly — of course as a mere matter of form. He argued from 
 these data that it was wholly unnecessary for members of Par- 
 liament to possess any property at all, especially as when they 
 had none the public could get them so much cheaper. 
 
 SUPPLEMENTARY SECTION, E. UMBUGOLOGY AND DITCHWATERIS1CS. 
 
 PRESIDENT — MR. GRUB. VICE-PRESIDENTS, MESSRS. DULL AND DUMMY. 
 
 " A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony 
 with one eye, which had been seen by the author standing in a 
 butcher's cart at the corner of Newgate Market. The commu- 
 nication described the author of the paper as having, in the pro- 
 secution of a mercantile pursuit, betaken himself one Saturday 
 morning last summer from Somers Town to Cheapside; in the 
 course of which expedition he had beheld the extraordinary ap- 
 pearance above described. The pony had one distinct eye, and 
 it had been pointed out to him by his friend Captain Blunder- 
 bore, of the Horse Marines, who assisted the author in his 
 search, that whenever he winked this eye he whisked his tail, 
 (possibly to drive the flies off,) but that he always winked and 
 whisked at the same time. The animal was lean, spavined, and 
 tottering ; and the author proposed to constitute it of the family 
 of FitJ'ordogsmeataurious. It certainly did occur to him that 
 there was no case on record of a pony with one clearly-defined 
 and distinct organ of vision, winking and whisking at the same 
 moment. 
 
 " Mr. Q. J. Snuffletoffle had heard of a pony winking his 
 eye, and likewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether they 
 were two ponies or the same pony he could not undertake posi- 
 tively to say. At all events he was acquainted with no authen- 
 ticated instance of a simultaneous winking and whisking, and he 
 really could not but doubt the existence of such a marvellous 
 pony in opposition to all those natural laws by which ponies 
 were governed. Referring, however, to the mere question of 
 his one organ of vision, might he suggest the possibility of this 
 pony having been literally half asleep at the time he was seen, 
 and having closed only one eye ? 
 
 u The President observed, that whether the pony was half 
 asleep or fast asleep, there could be no doubt that the asso- 
 ciation was wide awake, and therefore that they had better get 
 the business over and go to dinner. He had certainly never 
 seen anything analogous to this pony ; but he was not prepared 
 to doubt its existence, for he had seen many queerer ponies in 
 his time, though he did not pretend to have seen any more re- 
 markable donkeys than the other gentlemen around him. 
 
OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 227 
 
 " Professor John Ketch was then called upon to exhibit the 
 skull of the late Mr. Greenacre, which he produced from a blue 
 bag, remarking, on being invited to make any observations that 
 occurred to him, ' that he 'd pound it as that 'ere 'spectable sec- 
 tion had never seed a more gamerer cove nor he vos.' 
 
 " A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic en- 
 sued ; and, some difference of opinion arising respecting the 
 real character of the deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered 
 a lecture upon the cranium before him, clearly showing that 
 Mr. Greenacre possessed the organ of destructiveness to a most 
 unusual extent, with a most remarkable developement of the 
 organ of carveativeness. Sir Hookham Snivey was proceeding 
 to combat this opinion, when Professor Ketch suddenly inter- 
 rupted the proceedings by exclaiming, with great excitement of 
 manner, " Walker !" 
 
 " The President begged to call the learned gentleman to 
 order. 
 
 " Professor Ketch. ' Order be blowed ! you 've got the 
 wrong 'un, I tell you. It ain't no "ed at all ; it 's a coker-nut 
 as my brother-in-law has been acarvin 1 to hornament his new 
 baked 'tatur-stall wots a-comin down here vile the 'sociation's in 
 the town. Hand over, vill you ?' 
 
 " With these words Professor Ketch hastily repossessed 
 himself of the cocoa-nut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake for 
 which he had exhibited it. A most interesting conversation 
 ensued ; but as there appeared some doubt ultimately whether 
 the skull was Mr. Greenacre's, or a hospital patient's, or a pau- 
 per's, or a man's, or a woman's, or a monkey's, no particular 
 result was attained." 
 
 " I cannot," says our talented correspondent in conclusion, 
 u I cannot close my account of these gigantic researches and 
 sublime and noble triumphs, without repeating a bon mot of 
 Professor Woodensconce's, which shows how the greatest minds 
 may occasionally unbend, when truth can be presented to listen- 
 ing ears, clothed in an attractive and playful form I was 
 standing by, when, after a week of feasting and feeding, that 
 learned gentleman, accompanied by the whole body of wonder- 
 ful men, entered the hall yesterday, where a sumptuous dinner 
 was prepared ; where the richest wines sparkled on the board, 
 and fat bucks — propitiatory sacrifices to learning — sent forth 
 their savoury odours. ' Ah P said Professor Woodensconce, 
 rubbing his hands, e this is what we meet for ; this is what 
 inspires us; this is what keeps us together, and beckons us 
 onward ; this is the spread of science, and a glorious spread 
 it is!'" 
 
 r2 
 
228 
 
 A CHAPTER ON GOURMANDERIE; 
 
 OR, A PEEP AT THE RESTAURANTS OF PARIS. 
 
 In the highest category of Parisian restaurants, I class seven ; the 
 Cafe de Paris, Grignon's, the Trois Freres, Very's, Vefour's, the 
 Rocher de Cancale, and the Grand Vatel. Among these the 
 Rocher is said to tower supremely. It stands in the same relation 
 to the others as Taglioni with respect to Julia, Noblet, Alexis, 
 and Leroux ; or rather as Shakspeare with respect to Shirley, 
 Jonson, and the other dramatists of that age. Therefore does your 
 Parisian epicure, if he like dancing and dramatic poetry, exclaim, 
 " Time has thus far beheld one Shakspeare, one Taglioni, and one 
 Rocher de Cancale." For myself, I cannot altogether accede to this 
 general reputation. In classing such establishments, I am guided 
 by five elements ; to wit, cookery, expense, service, company, and 
 apartment. Now, in cookery the Rocher is unequalled. In each of 
 the remaining elements it is inferior to some one or other of its com- 
 petitors. Without going into laborious comparisons, I at once de- 
 clare that I give a preference to that restaurant over whose entrance 
 are inscribed these monumental words, — Au Grand Vatel. The 
 Rocher may be patronized on special occasions ; — the Grand Vatel 
 I prefer, as a regular daily dining house. The former is the Johan- 
 nisberg of your gourmet ; the latter his Chambertin. 
 
 The Cafe de Paris stands on the Italian Boulevard. Its rooms 
 are spacious, with ceilings of most aristocratic loftiness ; its furni- 
 ture is rich ; its table-linen is of snowy whiteness ; its floor is po- 
 lished into mirrors ; its garcons have clear complexions, and its 
 dame-du-comptoir looks mellow, as if just bathed in cream. Indeed 
 no gentleman should enter those elegant rooms unless lately from a 
 bath, and in genteel vestments. He will see a company around him 
 of fashionable ladies and gentlemen. Such is the public of the Cafe 
 de Paris. It is one sphere for the first bringing out of an elegant 
 fashion. Counts, marquises, and bucks dressed for the opera, like 
 to dine at the Cafe de Paris. It is, however, in the midst of noise 
 and motion. Those tranquil epicures who would not have digestion 
 molested by street shouts, and rattling of carriages, will seldom pa- 
 tronise this restaurant. I have sometimes taken breakfast there. 
 Its omelettes are beyond all praise : I remember them with some 
 emotion. The Cafe de Paris is one of the most expensive restau- 
 rants in Paris. People are pleased to pay for the renown of dining 
 there. 
 
 If you would escape the outer-world tumult near the Cafe de 
 Paris, go at once to Grignon's. It is on the second floor, and its 
 entrance is up a broad staircase in the Passage Vivienne. Grig- 
 non's is an immense establishment, with its twenty large and small 
 dining apartments. The private rooms are often ordinary. Its 
 public hall, however, has an air of lofty elegance and well-bred 
 quiet that much impresses you at first. Its thick and heavily-folded 
 window-curtains look almost baronial ; and when illuminated by 
 gas, the room is very brilliant. The quiet of the frequenters of 
 Grignon's too often degenerates into mere stiffness and silence. 
 
FAMILY STORIES. 99 
 
 Doubtless the adage " There is many a slip 
 
 Twixt the cup and the lip," 
 
 hath reference to medicine. Sir Guy's lip was again all but in con- 
 junction with that of his bride elect. 
 
 It has been hinted already that there was a little round polished 
 patch on the summit of the knight's pericranium, from which his 
 locks had gradually receded ; a sort of oasis, — or rather a Mont Blanc 
 in miniature, rising above the highest point of vegetation. It was 
 on this little spot, undefended alike by Art and Nature, that at this 
 interesting moment a blow descended, such as we must borrow a 
 term from the Sister Island adequately to describe, — it was a 
 « Whack !" 
 
 Sir Guy started upon his feet ; Beatrice Grey started upon hers ; 
 but a single glance to the rear reversed her position, — she fell upon 
 her knees and screamed. 
 
 The Knight, too, wheeled about, and beheld a sight which might 
 have turned a bolder man to stone. — It was She ! — the all but defunct 
 Rohesia, — there she sat, bolt upright ! Her eyes no longer glazed 
 with the film of impending dissolution, but scintillating like flint and 
 steel ; while in her hand she grasped the bed-staff, — a weapon of 
 mickle might, as her husband's bloody coxcomb could now well tes- 
 tify. Words were yet wanting, for the quinsey, which her rage had 
 broken, still impeded her utterance ; but the strength and rapidity of 
 her guttural intonations augured well for her future eloquence. 
 
 Sir Guy de Montgomeri stood for a while like a man distraught ; 
 this resurrection — for such it seemed — had quite overpowered him. 
 " A husband ofttimes makes the best physician," says the proverb ; 
 he was a living personification of its truth. Still it was whispered 
 he had been content with Doctor Butts, but his lady was restored 
 to bless him for many years. — Heavens, what a life he led ! 
 
 The Lady Rohesia mended apace ; her quinsey was cured ; the 
 bell was stopped, and little Hubert, the Sacristan, kicked out of the 
 chapelry ; St. Peter opened his wicket, and looked out. — There was 
 nobody there ; — so he flung-to the gate in a passion, and went back 
 to his lodge, grumbling at being hoaxed by a runaway ring. 
 
 Years rolled on. — The improvement of Lady Rohesia's temper did 
 not keep pace with that of her health ; and, one fine morning, Sir 
 Guy de Montgomeri was seen to enter the porte cochere of Durham 
 House, at that time the town residence of Sir Walter Raleigh. No- 
 thing more was ever heard of him ; but a boat full of adventurers 
 was known to have dropped down with the tide that evening to 
 Deptford Hope, where lay the good ship, the Darling, commanded by 
 Captain Keymis, who sailed next morning on the Virginia voyage. 
 
 A brass plate, some eighteen inches long, may yet be seen in Den- 
 ton chancel, let into a broad slab of Bethersden marble ; it repre- 
 sents a lady kneeling, in her wimple and hood ; her hands are clasped 
 in prayer, and beneath is an inscription in the characters of the age, 
 
 " $ratc for p e Sofole of » e Hattoe 2&op$e, 
 ant* for alU CJrtettn SofolMfl". 
 The date is illegible ; but it appears that she lived at least till 
 Elizabeth's time, and that the dissolution of monasteries had lost St. 
 Mary Rouncival her thousand marks. — As for Beatrice Grey, it is 
 well known that she was living in 1588, and then had virginity 
 enough left to be a Maid of Honour to "good Queen Bess." 
 
100 
 THE TEMPTATIONS OF ST. ANTHONY. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 
 
 " He would have passed a pleasant life of it, in despite of the devil and all his 
 works, if his path had not been crossed by a being that causes more perplexity to 
 mortal man than ghosts, goblins, and the whole race of witches put together, and 
 that was — a woman." — Sketch-Booh. 
 
 St. Anthony sat on a lowly stool, 
 
 And a book was in his hand ; 
 Never his eye from its page he took, 
 Either to right or left to look, 
 But with steadfast soul, as was his rule, 
 
 The holy page he scanned. 
 
 " We will woo," said the imp, " St. Anthony's eyes 
 
 Off from his holy book : 
 We will go to him all in strange disguise, 
 And tease him with laughter, whoops, and cries, 
 
 That he upon us may look." 
 
 The Devil was in the best humour that day 
 
 That ever his highness was in : 
 And that's why he sent out his imps to play, 
 And he furnished them torches to light their way, 
 Nor stinted them incense to burn as they may, — 
 
 Sulphur, and pitch, and rosin. 
 
 So they came to the Saint in a motley crew, 
 
 A heterogeneous rout : 
 There were imps of every shape and hue, 
 And some looked black, and some looked blue, 
 And they passed and varied before the view, 
 
 And twisted themselves about : 
 And had they exhibited thus to you, 
 I think you 'd have felt in a bit of a stew, — 
 
 Or so should myself, I doubt. 
 
 There were some with feathers, and some with scales, 
 
 And some with warty skins ; 
 Some had not heads, and some had tails, 
 And some had claws like iron nails ; 
 And some had combs and beaks like birds, 
 And yet, like jays, could utter words ; 
 
 And some had gills and fins. 
 
 Some rode on skeleton beasts, arrayed 
 
 In gold and velvet stuff, 
 With rich tiaras on the head, 
 Like kings and queens among the dead ; 
 While face and bridle-hand, display'd, 
 In hue and substance seemed to cope 
 With maggots in a microscope, 
 And their thin lips, as white as soap, 
 
 Were colder than enough. 
 
 And spiders big from the ceiling hung, 
 
 From every creek and nook : 
 They had a crafty, ugly guise, 
 And looked at the Saint with their eight eyes ; 
 And all that malice could devise 
 Of evil to the good and wise 
 
 Seemed welling from their look. 
 
ffiMM&tezz^- 
 
 
 
 
*s 
 
THE TEMPTATIONS OF ST. ANTHONY. 101 
 
 Beetles and slow-worms crawled about, 
 
 And toads did squat demure ; 
 From holes in the wainscoting mice peeped out, 
 Or a sly old rat with his whiskered snout; 
 And forty-feets, a full span long, 
 Danced in and out in an endless throng : 
 There ne'er has been seen such extravagant rout 
 
 From that time to this, I 'm sure. 
 
 But the good St. Anthony kept his eyes 
 
 Fixed on the holy book ; — 
 From it they did not sink nor rise ; 
 Nor sights nor laughter, shouts nor cries, i 
 
 Could win away his look. 
 
 A quaint imp sat in an earthen pot, 
 
 In a big-bellied earthen pot sat he : 
 Through holes in the bottom his legs outshot, 
 And holes in the sides his arms had got, 
 And his head came out through the mouth, God wot ! 
 
 A comical sight to see. 
 
 And he drummed on his belly so fair and round, 
 
 On his belly so round and fair ; 
 And it gave forth a rumbling, mingled sound, 
 'Twixt a muffled bell and a growling hound, 
 
 A comical sound to hear : 
 And he sat on the edge of a table-desk, 
 
 And drummed it with his heels ; 
 And he looked as strange and as picturesque 
 As the figures we see in an arabesque, 
 Half hidden in flowers, all painted in fresque, 
 
 In Gothic vaulted ceils. 
 
 Then he whooped and hawed, and winked and grinned, 
 
 And his eyes stood out with glee ; 
 And he said these words, and he sung this song, 
 And his legs and his arms, with their double prong, 
 Keeping time with his tune as it galloped along, 
 Still on the pot and the table dinned 
 
 As birth to his song gave he. 
 
 " Old Tony, my boy ! shut up your book, 
 
 And learn to be merry and gay : 
 You sit like a bat in his cloistered nook, 
 Like a round-shoulder'd fool of an owl you look ; 
 But straighten your back from its booby crook, 
 
 And more sociable be, I pray. 
 
 " Let us see you laugh, let us hear you sing j 
 
 Take a lesson from me, old boy ! 
 Remember that life has a fleeting wing, 
 And then comes Death, that stern old king, 
 
 So we 'd better make sure of joy." 
 
 But the good St. Anthony bent his eyes 
 
 Upon the holy book : 
 He heard that song with a laugh arise, 
 But he knew that the imp had a naughty guise, 
 
 And he did not care to look. 
 
102 THE TEMPTATIONS OF ST. ANTHONY. 
 
 Another imp came in a masquerade, 
 
 Most like to a monk's attire : 
 But of living bats his cowl was made, 
 Their wings stitched together with spider thread ; 
 And round and about him they flattered and played ; 
 And his eyes shot out from their misty shade 
 
 Long parallel bars of fire. 
 
 And his loose teeth chattered like clanking bones, 
 
 When the gibbet-tree sways in the blast : 
 And with gurgling shakes, and stifled groans, 
 He mocked the good St. Anthony's tones 
 As he muttered his prayer full fast. 
 
 A rosary of beads was hung by his side, — 
 
 Oh, gaunt-looking beads were they ! 
 And still, when the good Saint dropped a bead, 
 He dropped a tooth, and he took good heed 
 To rattle his string, and the bones replied, 
 
 Like a rattle-snake's tail at play. 
 
 But the good St. Anthony bent his eyes 
 
 Upon the holy book ; 
 He heard that mock of groans and sighs, 
 And he knew that the thing had an evil guise, 
 
 And he did not dare to look. 
 
 Another imp came with a trumpet-snout, 
 
 That was mouth and nose in one : 
 It had stops like a flute, as you never may doubt, 
 Where his long lean fingers capered about, 
 As he twanged his nasal melodies out, 
 
 In quaver, and shake, and run. 
 
 And his head moved forward and backward still 
 
 On his long and snaky neck ; 
 As he bent his energies all to fill 
 His nosey tube with wind and skill, 
 And he sneezed his octaves out, until 
 
 'Twas well-nigh ready to break. 
 
 And close to St. Anthony's ear he came, 
 
 And piped his music in : 
 And the shrill sound went through the good Saint's frame, 
 With a smart and a sting, like a shred of flame, 
 Or a bee in the ear, — which is much the same, — 
 
 And he shivered with the din. 
 
 But the good St. Anthony bent his eyes 
 
 Upon the holy book ; 
 He heard that snout with its gimlet cries, 
 And he knew that the imp had an evil guise, 
 
 And he did not dare to look. 
 
 A thing with horny eyes was there, 
 
 With horny eyes like the dead : 
 And its long sharp nose was all of horn, 
 And its bony cheeks of flesh were shorn, 
 And its ears were like thin cases torn 
 From feet of kine, and its jaws were bare ; 
 And fish-bones grew, instead of hair, 
 
 Upon its skinless head. 
 
THE TEMPTATIONS OF ST. ANTHONY. 103 
 
 Its body was of thin birdy bones, 
 
 Bound round with a parchment skin ; 
 And, when 'twas struck, the hollow tones 
 That circled round like drum-dull groans, 
 
 Bespoke a void within. 
 
 Its arm was like a peacock's leg, 
 
 And the claws were like a bird's : 
 But the creep that went, like a blast of plague, 
 To loose the live flesh from the bones, 
 And wake the good Saint's inward groans, 
 As it clawed his cheek, and pulled his hair, 
 And pressed on his eyes in their beating lair, 
 
 Cannot be told in words. 
 
 But the good St. Anthony kept his eyes 
 
 Still on the holy book ; 
 He felt the clam on his brow arise, 
 And he knew that the thing had a horrid guise, 
 
 And he did not dare to look. 
 
 An imp came then like a skeleton form 
 
 Out of a charnel vault : 
 Some clingings of meat had been left by the worm, 
 Some tendons and strings on his legs and arm, 
 And his jaws with gristle were black and deform, 
 
 But his teeth were as white as salt. 
 
 And he grinned full many a lifeless grin, 
 
 And he rattled his bony tail ; 
 His skull was decked with gill and fin, 
 And a spike of bone was on his chin, 
 And his bat-like ears were large and thin, 
 
 And his eyes were the eyes of a snail. 
 
 He took his stand at the good Saint's back, 
 
 And on tip-toe stood a space : 
 Forward he bent, all rotten-black, 
 And he sunk again on his heel, good lack ! 
 And the good Saint uttered some ghostly groans, 
 For the head was caged in the gaunt rib-bones, — 
 
 A horrible embrace ! 
 And the skull hung o'er with an elvish pry, 
 And cocked down its Indian-rubber eye 
 
 To gaze upon his face. 
 
 Yet the good St. Anthony sunk his eyes 
 
 Deep in the holy book ; 
 He felt the bones, and so was wise 
 To know that the thing had a ghastly guise, 
 
 And he did not dare to look. 
 
 Last came an imp, — how unlike the rest ! — 
 
 A beautiful female form : 
 And her voice was like music, that sleep-oppress'd 
 Sinks on some cradling zephyr's breast ; 
 And whilst with a whisper his cheek she press'd, 
 
 Her cheek felt soft and warm . 
 
 When over his shoulder she bent the light 
 
 Of her soft eyes on to his page, 
 It came like a moonbeam silver bright, 
 And relieved him then with a mild delight, 
 For the yellow lamp-lustre scorched his sight, 
 
 That was weak with the mists of age. 
 
104 THE NEW YEAR. 
 
 Hey ! the good St. Anthony boggled his eyes 
 
 Over the holy book : 
 Ho ho ! at the corners they 'gan to rise, 
 For he knew that the thing had a lovely guise, 
 
 And he could not choose but look. 
 
 There are many devils that walk this world, — 
 
 Devils large, and devils small ; 
 Devils so meagre, and devils so stout ; 
 Devils with horns, and devils without ; 
 Sly devils that go with their tails upcurled, 
 Bold devils that carry them quite unfurled ; 
 
 Meek devils, and devils that brawl ; 
 Serious devils, and laughing devils; 
 Imps for churches, and imps for revels ; 
 Devils uncouth, and devils polite ; 
 Devils black, and devils white ; 
 Devils foolish, and devils wise ; 
 But a laughing woman, with two bright eyes, 
 
 Is the worsest devil of all. 
 
 T.H.S. 
 
 THE NEW YEAR. 
 
 Lines on George Cruikshank*s Illustration of January, in the Comic Almanack 
 
 for 1838'. 
 
 BY TftE AUTHOR OF " HEADLONG HALL." 
 
 A great philosopher art thou, George Cruikshank, 
 In thy unmatched grotesqueness ! Antic dance, 
 Wine, mirth, and music, welcome thy New Year, 
 Who makes her entry as a radiant child, 
 With smiling face, in holiday apparel, 
 Bearing a cornucopia, crowned and clustered 
 With all the elements of festal joy : 
 All smiles and promises. But looking closely 
 Upon that smiling face, 'tis but a mask ; 
 Fitted so well, it almost seems a face ; 
 But still a mask. What features lurk beneath, 
 t The rolling months will show. Thy Old Year passes, — 
 Danced out in mockery by the festive band, — 
 A faded form, with thin and pallid face, 
 In spectral weeds; her mask upon the ground, 
 Her Amalthaea's horn reversed, and emptied 
 Of all good things, — not even hope remaining. 
 Such will the New Year be : that smiling mask 
 Will fall ; to some how soon : to many later : 
 At last to all ! The same transparent shade 
 Of wasted means and broken promises 
 Will make its exit : and another Year 
 Will enter masked and smiling, and be welcomed 
 With minstrelsy and revelry, as this is. 
 
ANACREONTIC. 49.3 
 
 This song in praise of May is very old, but has little except its an- 
 tiquity to recommend it. At its conclusion, the singers receive pre- 
 sents from the people ; after which they sing a supplementary verse, 
 by way of thanks. It is literally as follows : 
 
 " God thank you, friendly people all ! 
 God help you in his heavenly kingdom ! 
 In heaven there is a golden table, 
 Where sit the angels healthy and fresh. 
 In heaven there is a golden throne. 
 God give you all an eternal reward !" 
 
 Many German poets have written songs in praise of Switzerland in 
 choice Teutonic; but these, although in some instances extremely 
 beautiful, are " drawing-room poetry," and, as such, do not come 
 within the limits of our subject. The songs of the people, which 
 we have been considering, are the effusions of nameless and forgot- 
 ten poets, — in all probability of drovers and milkmaids ; the more 
 valuable on that account, because so much the more likely to give 
 a true description of the manners and feelings of a class of society 
 upon whom depends, in a great measure, the welfare of a country. 
 
 Like to daisies, snow-drops, blue-bells, forget-me-nots, crocuses, 
 and hedge-roses, which the child may pluck as it runs past, and 
 the labourer plant in his bosom, are the fragments of old songs that 
 delight the people. They grow, like them, without culture, in corn- 
 fields and sheep-walks, and are as precious in the sight of the true 
 lover of nature as the rare and costly exotics of the rich man's con- 
 servatory. On another occasion [Boz volente] we propose to pre- 
 sent the reader with a wreath of such wild flowers gathered on 
 German soil. 
 
 C M. 
 
 ANACREONTIC. 
 
 Fill roe, boy, a bowl up ! — up ! 
 Till the wine o'erflows the cup. 
 Fresher flowers for me braid, 
 These I wear too soon will fade. 
 
 Fill, boy, fill the bowl again ! 
 For, with every draught I drain, 
 Brighter dreams my fancy sees ; 
 Sleep hath no such phantasies. 
 
 Fill, boy, fill ! My burning soul 
 
 Asks another mantling bowl ; 
 
 Brim it to the utmost, boy ! 
 
 Ha ! ha ! ha ! I 'm mad with joy ! M. L. 
 
494 
 THE GOLDEN LEGEND.— No. I. 
 
 A LAY OF ST. NICHOLAS. 
 
 u Statira sacerdoti apparuit diabolus in specie puellae pulchritudinis mine, et ecce 
 Divus, fide catholica et cruce et aqua, benedicta armatus, venit, et aspersit aquam 
 in nomine sanctae et individuae Trinitatis, quam, quasi ardentem, diabolus, nequa- 
 quam sustinere valens, mugitibus fugit." Roger Hoveden. 
 
 " Lord Abbot ! Lord Abbot ! I 'd fain confess; 
 I am a-weary, and worn with woe ; 
 Many a grief doth my heart oppress, 
 And haunt me whithersoever I go !" 
 
 On bended knee spake the beautiful Maid ; 
 
 " Now lithe and listen, Lord Abbot, to me !'' — 
 ** Now naye, Fair Daughter," the Lord Abbot said, 
 
 " Now naye, in sooth it may hardly be ; 
 
 " There is Mess Michael, and holy Mess John, 
 Sage Penitauncers I ween be they ! 
 And hard by doth dwell, in St. Catherine's cell, 
 Ambrose, the anchorite old and grey !" 
 
 " — Oh, I will have none of Ambrose or John, 
 Though sage Penitauncers I trow they be ; 
 Shrive me may none save the Abbot alone. 
 Now listen, Lord Abbot, I speak to thee ; 
 
 " Nor think foul scorn, though mitre adorn 
 Thy brow, to listen to shrift of mine. 
 I am a Maiden royally born, 
 
 And I come of old Plantaganet's line. 
 
 " Though hither I stray in lowly array, 
 I am a Damsel of high degree ; 
 And the Compte of Eu, and the Lord of Ponthieu, 
 They serve my father on bended knee ! 
 
 " Counts a many, and Dukes a few, 
 
 A suitoring came to my father's Hall ; 
 But the Duke of Lorraine, with his large domain, 
 He pleas'd my father beyond them all. 
 
 " Dukes a many, and Counts a few, 
 
 I would have wedded right cheerful ie ; 
 But the Duke of Lorraine was uncommonly plain, 
 And I vow'd that he ne'er should my bridegroom be ! 
 
 " So hither I fly, in lowly guise, 
 
 From their gilded domes and their princely halls ; 
 Fain would I dwell in some holy cell, 
 
 Or within some Convent's peaceful walls !" 
 
 — Then out and spake that proud Lord Abbot, 
 " Now rest thee, Fair Daughter, withouten fear ; 
 
 Nor Count nor Duke but shall meet the rebuke 
 Of Holy Church an he seek thee here : 
 
 " Holy Church denieth all search 
 
 'Midst her sanctified ewes and her saintly rams ; 
 And the wolves doth mock who would scathe her flock, 
 Or, especially, worry her little pet lambs. 
 
 " Then lay, Fair Daughter, thy fears aside, 
 
 For here this day shalt thou dine with me !" — 
 " Now naye, now naye," the fair maiden cried ; 
 " In sooth, Lord Abbot, that scarce may be ! 
 
A LAY OF ST. NICHOLAS. 495 
 
 u Friends would whisper, and foes would frown, 
 Sith thou art a Churchman of high degree, 
 And ill mote it match with thy fair renown 
 That a wandering damsel dine with thee ! 
 
 " There is Simon the Deacon hath pulse in store, 
 With beans and lettuces fair to see ; 
 His lenten fare now let me share, 
 
 I pray thee, Lord Abbot, in charitie!" 
 
 — " Though Simon the Deacon have pulse in store, 
 
 To our patron Saint foul shame it were 
 Should way-worn guest with toil opprest 
 
 Meet in his abbey such churlish fare. 
 
 " There is Peter the Prior, and Francis the Friar, 
 And Roger the Monk shall our convives be ; 
 Small scandal 1 ween shall then be seen ; 
 They are a goodly companie !" 
 
 The Abbot hath donn'd his mitre and ring, 
 
 His rich dalmatic, and maniple fine ; 
 And the choristers sing as the lay-brothers bring 
 
 To the board a magnificent turkey and chine. 
 
 The turkey and chine they were done to a nicety ; 
 
 Liver, and gizzard, and all were there : 
 Ne'er mote Lord Abbot pronounce Benedicite 
 
 Over more luscious or delicate fare. 
 
 But no pious stave he, no Pater or Ave, 
 
 Pronounced, as he gazed on that maiden's face : 
 
 She asked him for stuffing, she asked him for gravy, 
 And gizzard ; but never once asked him for Grace ! 
 
 Then gaily the Lord Abbot smiled and prest, 
 
 And the blood-red wine in the wine-cup fill'd; 
 And he help'd his guest to a bit of the breast, 
 
 And he sent the drumsticks down to be grill'd. 
 
 There was no lack of old Sherris sack, 
 
 Of Hippocras fine, or of Malmsey bright ; 
 And aye, as he drained off his cup with a smack, 
 
 He grew less pious and more polite. 
 
 She pledged him once, and she pledged him twice, 
 
 And she drank as a Lady ought not to drink ; 
 And he pressed her hand 'neath the table thrice, 
 
 And he winked as an Abbot ought not to wink. 
 
 And Peter the Prior, and Francis the Friar, 
 
 Sat each with a napkin under his chin ; 
 But Roger the Monk got excessively drunk, 
 
 So they put him to bed, and they lock'd him in ! 
 
 The lay-brothers gaz'd on each other, amaz'd ; 
 
 And Simon the Deacon, with grief and surprise, 
 As he peep'd through the key-hole could scarce fancy real 
 
 The scene he beheld, or believe his own eyes. 
 
 In his ear was ringing the Lord Abbot singing, — 
 
 He could not distinguish the words very plain, 
 But 'twas all about " Cole," and "jolly old Soul," 
 
 And " Fiddlers," and " Punch," and things quite as profane. 
 
496 THE GOLDEN LEGEND. 
 
 Even Porter Paul, at the sound of such revelling, 
 
 With fervour began himself to bless,; 
 For he thought he must somehow have sure let the Devil in,- 
 
 And perhaps was not very much cut in his guess. 
 
 The Accusing Byers flew up to Heaven's Chancery, 
 Blushing like scarlet with shame and concern ; 
 
 The Archangel took down his tale, and in answer he 
 Wept — (See the works of the late Mr. Sterne.) 
 
 Indeed, it is said, a less taking both were in 
 When, after a lapse of a great many years, 
 
 They book'd Uncle Toby five shillings for swearing, 
 And blotted the fine out at once with their tears ! 
 
 But St. Nicholas' agony who may paint? 
 
 His senses at first were well-nigh gone ; 
 The beatified Saint was ready to faint 
 
 When he saw in his Abbey such sad goings on ! 
 
 For never, I ween, had such doings been seen 
 There before, from the time that most excellent Prince, 
 
 Earl Baldwin of Flanders, and other Commanders, 
 Had built and endow'd it some centuries since. 
 
 — But, hark ! — 'tis a sound from the outermost gate! 
 
 A startling sound from a powerful blow. 
 Who knocks so late? — it is half after eight 
 
 By the clock, and the clock 's five minutes too slow. 
 
 Never, perhaps, had such loud double-raps 
 Been beard in St. Nicholas' Abbey before ; 
 
 All. agreed " it was shocking to keep people knocking," 
 But none seem'd inclined to " answer the door." 
 
 Now a louder bang through the cloisters rang, 
 And, the gate on its hinges wide open flew; 
 
 And all were aware of a Palmer there, 
 
 With his cockle, hat, staff, and his sandal shoe. 
 
 Many a furrow, and many a frown, 
 By toil and time on his brow were traced ; 
 
 And his long loose gown was of ginger brown, 
 And his rosary dangled below his waist. 
 
 Now seldom, I ween, is such costume seen, 
 
 Except at stage-play or masquerade ; 
 But who doth not know it was rather the go 
 
 With Pilgrims and Saints in the second Crusade ? 
 
 With noiseless stride did that Palmer glide 
 
 Across the oaken floor ; 
 And he made them all jump, he gave such a thump 
 
 Against the Refectory door ! 
 
 Wide open it flew, and plain to the view 
 
 The Lord Abbot they all mote see ; 
 In his hand was a cup, and he lifted it up, 
 
 " Here's the Pope's good health with three !!" 
 
 Rang in their ears three deafening cheers, 
 
 "Huzza! huzza! huzza!" 
 And one of the party said, " Go it, my hearty !" 
 
 When out spake that Pilgrim grey — 
 
o ^% fi-nuteW. * 
 
* 
 
A LAY OF ST. NICHOLAS. 497 
 
 " A boon, Lord Abbot ! a boon ! a boon ! 
 Worn is my foot, and empty my scrip ; 
 And nothing to speak of since yesterday noon 
 Of food, Lord Abbot, hath passed my lip. 
 
 "And I am come from a far countree, 
 And have visited many a holy shrine; 
 And long have I trod the sacred sod 
 
 Where the Saints do rest in Palestine !" — 
 
 u An thou art come from a far countree, 
 And if thou in Paynim lands hast been, 
 Now rede me aright the most wonderful si»ht, 
 Thou Palmer grey, that thine eyes have seen. 
 
 " Arede me aright the most wonderful sight, 
 Grey Palmer, that ever thine eyes did see, 
 And a manchette of bread, and a good warm bed, 
 And a cup o' the best shall thy guerdon be!" — 
 
 " Oh ! I have been east, and I have been west, 
 And I have seen many a wonderful sight ; 
 But never to me did it happen to see 
 
 A wonder like that which I see this night ! 
 
 " To see a Lord Abbot in rochet and stole, 
 
 With Prior and Friar, — a strange mar-velle ! — 
 O'er a jolly full bowl, sitting cheek by jowl, 
 
 And hob-nobbing away with a Devil from Hell !" 
 
 He felt in his gown of ginger brown, 
 
 And he pull'd out a flask from beneath ; 
 It was rather tough work to get out the cork, 
 
 But he drew it at last with his teeth. 
 
 O'er a pint and a quarter of holy water 
 
 He made the sacred sign ; 
 And he dash'd the whole on the soi-disantc daughter 
 
 Of old Plantagenet's line! 
 
 Oh ! then did she reek, and squeak, and shriek, 
 
 With a wild unearthly scream ; 
 And fizzled and hiss'd, and produced such a mist, 
 
 They were all half-chok'd by the steam. 
 
 Her dove-like eyes turn'd to coals of fire, 
 
 Her beautiful nose to a horrible snout, 
 Her hands to paws with nasty great claws, 
 
 And her bosom went in, and her tail came out. 
 
 On her chin there appear'd a long Nanny-goat's beard, 
 
 And her tusks and her teeth no man mote tell ; 
 And her horns and her hoofs gave infallible proofs 
 
 7 T was a frightful Fiend from the nethermost Hell ! 
 
 The E'almer threw down his ginger gown, 
 
 His hat and his cockle ; and, plain to sight, 
 Stood St. Nicholas' self, aud his shaven crown 
 
 Had a glow-worm halo of heav'nly light. 
 
 The Fiend made a grasp, the Abbot to clasp ; 
 
 But St. Nicholas lifted his holy toe, 
 And, just in the nick, let fly such a kick 
 
 On his elderly Namesake, he made him let go. 
 VOL. III. 2 M 
 
498 THE GOLDEN LEGEND. 
 
 And out of the window he flew like a shot, 
 For the foot flew up with a terrible thwack, 
 
 And caught the foul demon about the spot 
 
 Where his tail joins on to the small of his back. 
 
 And he bounded away, like a foot- ball at play, 
 
 Till into the bottomless pit he fell slap, 
 Knocking Mammon the meagre o'er pursy Beephglor, 
 
 And Lucifer into Beelzebub's lap. 
 
 Oh ! happy the slip from his Succubine grip, 
 
 That saved the Lord Abbot, though, breathless with fright, 
 
 In escaping he tumbled, and fractured his hip, 
 And his left leg was shorter thenceforth than his right ! 
 * * * * * 
 
 On the banks of the Rhine, as he 's stopping to dine, 
 From a certain Inn-window the traveller is shown 
 
 Some picturesque ruins, the scene of these doings, 
 A few miles up the river, south-east of Cologne. 
 
 And, while " saur kraut n she sells you, the Landlady tells you 
 That there, in those walls, now all roofless and bare, 
 
 One Simon, a Deacon, from a lean grew a sleek one, 
 On filling a gi-devant Abbot's state chair. 
 
 How a gi-devant Abbot, all clothed in drab, but 
 Of texture the coarsest, hair shirt, and no shoes, 
 
 (His mitre and ring, and all that sort of thing 
 Laid aside,) in yon Cave liv'd a pious recluse ; 
 
 How he rose with the sun, limping " dot and go one " 
 To yon rill of the mountain, in all sorts of weather, 
 
 Where a Prior and a Friar, who liv'd somewhat higher 
 Up the rock, used to come and eat cresses together ; 
 
 How a thirsty old codger the neighbours call'd Roger, ' 
 With them drank cold water in lieu of old wine ! 
 
 What its quality wanted he made up in quantity, 
 Swigging as though he 'd fain empty the Rhine ! 
 
 And how, as their bodily strength fail'd, the mental man 
 Gain'd tenfold vigour and force in all four : 
 
 And how, to the day of their death, the " Old Gentleman " 
 Never attempted to kidnap them more. 
 
 And how, when at length in the odour of sanctity, 
 All of them died without grief or complaint; 
 
 The Monks of St. Nicholas said 'twas ridiculous 
 Not to suppose every one was a Saint. 
 
 And how, in the Abbey no one was so shabby 
 
 As not to say yearly four masses a head, 
 On the eve of that supper, and kick on the crupper 
 
 Which Satan received, for the souls of the dead ! 
 
 How folks long held in reverence their reliques and memories, 
 How the gi-devant Abbot 's obtained greater still, 
 
 When some cripples, on touching his fractured os femoris, 
 Threw down their crutches, and danced a quadrille. 
 
 And how Abbot Simon, (who tum'd out a prime one,) 
 These words, which grew into a proverb full soon, 
 
 O'er the late Abbot's grotto, stuck up as a motto, 
 "SSJ!)o suppes togti) tfje H3eusIIe stjoltre Ijatte a long spoone IV 
 
 Thomas Ikgoldsby. 
 
. 
 
369 
 THE HANDSOME CL E A R-S T ARCHE R. 
 
 A LEGEND OP THE DAYS OF QUEEN ELIZABETH. 
 
 We talk of the Goddess of Fashion ; but where 
 
 Has her Goddesship deigned to be seen ? 
 Though her taste is consulted each day by the fair, 
 While men of all ages admiringly stare ? — 
 
 She can be no one else than The Queen. 
 So, at least, it was erst, when Eliza the Great 
 
 Of our isle was the pride and the pet ; 
 For though dress form'd small part of her right royal state, 
 And she valued alike her proud foes' love and hate, 
 
 She was once pleased a fashion to set. 
 Her sole reason for choosing was what ladies give, — 
 
 'T was her pleasure, and that was enough. 
 But, when once it was seen, none without it could live, 
 'T would have been all the same if 't were coarse as a sieve, 
 
 But the " set " was a fine stiffen'd ruff. 
 'T was a sort of a " chevaux-de-frise "-looking thing, 
 
 Such as still in her portraits is drawn, 
 Encircling her neck in an odd zig-zag ring ; 
 And the model, perhaps, was a church-cherub's wing, 
 
 Though 'twas form'd of crape, muslin, or lawn. 
 
 Or of gossamer, gauze, tissue, leno, blonde, lace, — 
 
 If such elegant names were then known 
 For those air-woven textures that aye find a place 
 In the toilet of beauty, and still add a grace 
 
 When, with taste, they o'er beauties are thrown. 
 
 But in those days no throwing was ever allow'd, 
 
 " Negligees" wer'n't admitted at court; 
 Where, stately and formal, the fair, well-drest crowd 
 Moved rustling like peacocks or turkeys so proud, 
 
 And look'd even demure at their sport. 
 
 Some wore gowns thickly 'broider'd like garlands of May ; 
 
 All wore stomachers hard as a shield, 
 Standing upright and stiff, as in martial array, 
 (Of the march of clear-starching it then was the day,) 
 
 And all else but the face was conceal'd. 
 But the ruff! the white, well-stiffen'd, well clear-starch'd ruff 
 
 More than lace, silk, or v^vet was prized. 
 " Its edges," they said, " lik saw should be rough ;" 
 And slanderers declare they their handmaids would cuff 
 
 If it was not well starch'd, gumm'd, or sized. 
 
 'T is a pity when ladies so pretty allow 
 
 Themselves to fall into a pet, 
 And, in their own boudoirs to " kick up a row," 
 About things they 're to wear, with the what, where, or how. 
 
 Anger ne'er made a maid pretty yet. 
 But, alas ! in those days some few fair ones were frail, 
 
 And their tempers would sometimes rebel : 
 Though perhaps the great breakfasts of beef-steaks and ale* 
 Might have heated the blood of the maid of our tale, 
 
 And caused what we 've now got to tell. 
 
 * The following is an extract from an order of King Henry the Eighth for a 
 daily allowance to a maid of honour in 1522. 
 
 u First. Every morning at brekefast oon chyne of beyf at our kechyn, oon chete 
 loff and oon maunchet at our panatrye barr, and a galone of ale at our buttrye 
 burr. 
 
olO THE HANDSOME CLEAR-STARCHER. 
 
 Her name we don't mention, because it may chance 
 
 That she yet hath relations at court : 
 Suffice it, her beauty was such as romance 
 For all heroines claims, — she could sing, play, and dance 
 
 A menieille, — but to dress was her forte, 
 Or, say, rather her foible ; so when ruffs came in, 
 
 And good starch rose uncommonly high, 
 She assured her clear-starcher she cared not a pin 
 For the price, but her ruffs must be stiff as block-tin ; 
 
 And the clear-starcher said she would try. 
 So her ruffs were well-starch'd, dried, and starch'd o'er again, 
 
 And both cold and hot-ironed, and prest, 
 And plaited, et cetera; — but all was in vain, 
 For she spake naughty words, and declared it was plain 
 
 Her " artiste " was a fool like the rest. 
 
 Then she tried many others; but all fail'd alike 
 
 This most whimsical fair one to please. 
 Some pleaded their work-folks had " struck up a strike;" 
 Some swore that the ruffs' points were stiff as a pike : 
 
 She declared they were soft as boil'd peas. 
 
 She was sadly provoked, and yet dared not rebel 
 
 Against fashion's imperious decree ; 
 So, when next her handmaiden desired her to tell 
 Where her ruffs should be sent, she cried, " Send them to h — , 
 
 And the d — 1 may starch them for me !" 
 These were very bad words to escape from the lips 
 
 Of a lady so handsome and young. 
 But, when passion's our tyrant, morality trips, 
 While the tempter keeps watch for such sad naughty slips 
 
 As our maiden had made with her tongue. 
 And, scarce had she spoken, when suddenly came 
 
 An odd sort of " Rat ! tat !" at her door. 
 'T was not loud enough quite for a lord or a dame, 
 Nor yet for her tradesfolk sufficiently tame. 
 
 She had ne'er heard such knocking before. 
 And, of course she felt curious to know what it meant, 
 
 So her handmaid immediately ran 
 To the window ; and, when o'er the casement she 'd leant, 
 Exclaim'd, with an air of exceeding content, 
 
 " A remarkably handsome young man !" 
 The young man, when shewn up, bow'd and smiled with much grace, 
 
 And soon, whispering, ventured to say, 
 " Gentle lady, excuse me, but such is my case 
 That indeed we must be quite alone face to face. 
 
 Do, pray, send your handmaiden away !" 
 Some signal, no doubt often practised before, 
 
 Caused her maid through the doorway to glide, 
 While the lady, embarrass'd, look'd down on the floor, 
 And blush'd (perhaps) for a moment, and when that was o'er, 
 Found the handsome young man at her side. 
 " Item. At dyner a pese of beyf, a stroke of roste, and a reward at our said 
 kechyn, a caste of chete brede at our panatrye barr, and a galone of ale at our but- 
 trye barr. 
 
 " Item. At afternoone a maunchet of brede at our panatrye barr, and half a ga- 
 lone of ale at our buttrye barr. 
 
 " Item. At supper a messe of potage, a pese of mutten, and a reward at our said 
 kechyn, a cast of chete brede at our panatrye, and a galone of ale at our buttrye. 
 
 •« Item. At after supper a chete loff, and a maunchet at our panatrye barr, and 
 half a galone of ale at our seller barr. 
 
THE HANDSOME CLEAR-STARCHER. 371 
 
 The fine figure and face of that singular beau 
 
 All comparisons seem'd to defy ; 
 And his dress at all points was completely " the go," 
 Yet there still was a something not quite " comme ilfaut" 
 
 In the sly wicked glance of his eye. 
 
 But his manner was humble, and silvery the toue 
 
 Of his voice, as, in euphonic strain, 
 He said, " Pride of the palace ! well worthy the throne ! 
 If legitimate claim were with beauty alone, 
 
 All your rivals' pretensions were vain I" 
 
 Then (as then was the mode) he the lady compared 
 
 To the sun, moon, and stars, and their light ; 
 Nor the heathen mythology's goddesses spared. 
 Any maiden of our modest days would have stared, 
 
 And some, perhaps, have run off in a fright. 
 
 But she listen'd, and aye as the flatterer spake 
 
 Smiled and gracefully flirted her fan, 
 And, much wondering what end to his speech he would make, 
 Sigh'd, and thought, " Though I fear he 's a bit of a rake, 
 
 He is really a charming young man !" 
 
 The gallant's peroration at length took a turn 
 
 That appear'd a most singular whim ; 
 He found fault with her ruff", and declared he could earn 
 Her applause (since he 'd travelled clear starching to learn) 
 If she would but entrust one with him. 
 
 The request was a strange one. Yet wherefore refuse ? 
 
 " Well, — pray take one !" she said with a laugh. 
 " Do your best. It may serve your waste time to amuse. 
 But it 's really so odd ! Have you learnt to black shoes 
 
 In your travels ? or dye an old scarf?" 
 
 " I have learnt many things," was the stranger's reply, 
 
 " And you '11 soon find I know quite enough 
 To fulfil your commission, for certainly I 
 Can hotpress, et cetera ; and so, now, good b' ye, 
 
 Till I come back again with your ruff." 
 
 The next drawing-room day our fair maiden began 
 
 Her court toilet ; but all went so-so. 
 " Ugh l" she cried, " I 'm quite frightful, do all that I can ! 
 There 's nothing so fickle and faithless as man ! 
 
 What's become of my clear-starching beau?" 
 
 " Ah ! my lady !" said Abigail, plastering her hair, 
 
 " That young fellow has play'd you a trick, 
 
 And stole " But her mistress cried, " Phoo ! I don't care ! 
 
 If I could get but only one ruff fit to wear, 
 
 I would don it, though brought by Old Nick." 
 
 There 's a proverb that says, " If you speak of some folks 
 
 They are sure very soon to appear." 
 And, while Abigail call'd the beau's visit a hoax, 
 And his clear-starching one of young gentlemen's jokes, 
 
 His odd " Rat! tat !" proclaim'd he was near.j 
 
 " Then he has not deceived me !" the lady exclaim'd, 
 
 " Why don't some of 'em answer the door? 
 To doubt of his honour you 're much to be blamed. 
 But I can't see him thus ! I should feel quite ashamed. 
 
 He must wait till I 'in drest. What a bore V 
 
372 THE HANDSOME CLEAR-STARCHER. 
 
 * Take ihis box to your mistress, and make my respects," 
 
 Said the starcher as fierce as a Don, 
 While he strode down the hall, " and observe she neglects 
 Not to put on the ruff as my paper directs, 
 
 And I '11 settle the plaits when 't is on/' 
 
 What that paper contain'd is a mystery still,' 
 
 Since the chronicles only disclose 
 That she said his request she would strictly fulfil, 
 And then smiling, exclaim'd, " What a moderate bill ? 
 
 Well, he must see all right, I suppose." 
 
 Then — her toilet completed — her pride was immense. 
 
 Twas " a love of a ruff!" she declared, 
 As it compass'd her neck with its firm triple fence. 
 Her sole feeling was self-admiration intense, 
 
 While her handmaid admiringly stared, 
 
 And then cried, " La ! I never saw nothing so nice : 
 
 What a clever young man that must be ! 
 I suppose, though, he'll charge an extravagant price?" 
 " No," her lady replied, " ; t was a cunning device ! 
 
 And he 's no common tradesman, you '11 see. 
 
 " The fact is, that he mention'd his charge, and you know 
 
 That I 've now no engagement on hand. 
 At least nothing— quite serious — or likely — and so — 
 After all — what 's a kiss from a handsome young beau ? 
 
 Well — be silent — you now understand. 
 
 " When he comes to inspect that my ruff sets all well, 
 
 Just step out for a minute or two ; 
 Not much longer, because there 's a proverb folks tell, 
 ' Give some people an inch, and they '11 soon take an ell." 
 
 u I wish, Miss," said her maid, "I was you." 
 
 Then, with looks so demure as might Cerberus bilk, 
 
 The young gentleman bow'd himself in. 
 His dress was embroider'd rich velvet and silk, 
 His point-lace and kid-gloves were as white as new milk, 
 
 And jet-black was the tuft on his chin. 
 
 " Fairest lady !" he said, " may I venture to hope 
 
 That you deign to approve of my work ? 
 This I '11 venture to say, that such clear-starch and soap 
 Never stiffen'd a collar for queen, king, or pope, 
 
 Nor his most sublime-porte-ship, the Turk." 
 
 u And I 've got " (here he smiled) " a particular way, 
 
 Which I '11 show you, of finishing off. 
 Just allow me ! Phoo — nonsense ! You promised to pay — " 
 But the lady drew back, frown'd, and said, " Not now, pray !" 
 
 And sent Abigail out by a cough. 
 
 All that afterward happen'd is dingy as night, 
 Though her maiden, as maids would of old, 
 Peep'd and listen'd, at first with a curious delight, 
 Then grew anxious, — and then was thrown into a fright. 
 And this was the story she told. 
 
 She declared the beau boasted his wonderful knack 
 
 Of full-dressing for banquet and ball ; 
 And that, presently after, she heard a loud smack, 
 And, immediately after, a much louder crack ; 
 
 Then a shriek that was louder than all. 
 
THE FORLORN ONE. 373 
 
 To her mistress's aid she accordingly ran, 
 
 Wondering much what the matter could be ; 
 Since a simple salute from a handsome young man 
 Never caused such an uproar since kissing began. 
 
 But no mistress nor beau could she see ! 
 
 Both were gone ! where and how it was fearful to guess, 
 
 As a sulphureous odour remain'd. 
 While thick smoke still obscured the bay-window's recess, 
 And, with burnt hoof-like marks, and a cindery mess, 
 
 The best carpet was shockingly stain'd. 
 
 What occurr'd at the window the smoke might conceal, 
 
 Though the maid often vow'd that she saw 
 What was horrid enough all her blood to congeal, 
 A long black thing that twisted about like an eel, 
 
 And the tips of two horns, and a claw. 
 But, more certain it is, from that day ne'er again 
 
 Did that lady at court reappear, 
 Nor amid the beau monde. All inquiries were vain. 
 So, though how they eloped must a mystery remain, 
 
 What the clear-starch er was, seem'd too clear. 
 Now, ye ladies of England ! young, charming, and fair ! 
 
 Pray, be warn'd by this maiden's sad fate ! 
 And, whenever strange beaux, gay and handsome, may dare 
 To approach you with flattering speeches, beware 
 
 Lest their falsehood you rue when too late. 
 Above all, while your hearts are warm, tender, and young, 
 
 Let no art of the tempter prevail 
 To extort a rash promise ; since slips of the tongue 
 O'er fair prospects have often a gloomy veil flung, 
 And caused ladies' disasters in rhymes to be strung, 
 
 As hath chanced to the maid of our tale. 
 
 THE FORLORN ONE. 
 
 Ah ! why those piteous sounds of woe, 
 
 Lone Wanderer of the dreary night ? 
 Thy gushing tears in torrents flow, 
 
 Thy bosom pants in wild affright ! 
 
 And Thou, within whose iron breast 
 
 Those frowns austere too truly tell 
 Mild Pity, heaven-descended guest, 
 
 Hath never, never deign'd to dwell, 
 That rude, uncivil touch forego, 
 
 Stern despot of a fleeting hour ! 
 Nor " make the angels weep " to know 
 
 The fond " fantastic tricks " of power ! 
 Know'st thou not " mercy is not strain'd, 
 
 But droppeth as the gentle dew," 
 And while it blesseth him who gain'd, 
 
 It blesseth him who gave it too ? 
 Say what art thou ? — and what is he, 
 
 Pale victim of despair and pain, 
 Whose streaming eyes and bended knee 
 
 Sue to thee thus — and sue in vain ? 
 Cold, callous man ! — he scorns to yield, 
 
 Or aught relax his felon gripe, 
 But answers, — " I 'm Inspector Field ! — 
 
 And this here Warmint 's prigg'd your wipe I" T. I. 
 
374 
 
 MR. HIPPSLEY, 
 
 THE ELECTRICAL GENTLEMAN. 
 
 " A respectable physician, in the last number of Silliman's "Journal, gives 
 the following very curious account of an electrical lady. He states, that on the 
 evening of January 28th, during a somewhat extraordinary display of northern 
 lights, the person in question became so highly charged with electricity as to give 
 out vivid electrical sparks from the ends of her fingers to the face of each of the 
 company present. This did not cease with the heavenly phenomenon, but con- 
 tinued for several months ; during which time she was constantly charged, and 
 giving off electrical sparks at every conductor she approached. This was extremely 
 vexatious, as she could not touch any metallic utensils without first giving off an 
 electric spark, with the consequent twinge. When seated by a stove, Avith her 
 feet upon the fender, she gave sparks at the rate of three or four a minute. The 
 lady is about thirty, of sedentary pursuits, and a delicate state of health ; having 
 for two years previous suffered from acute rheumatism and neuralgic affections." 
 — British Press, 
 
 u This, then, is what I am suffering from," said Mr. Hippsley, 
 putting down the newspaper which contained the above extraor- 
 dinary account. " I am a walking electrical machine ! This is why 
 I am abandoned by my earliest acquaintance ; my servants dread to 
 come near me ; and my physician no longer feels my pulse, but tells 
 me I am hypocondriac ; while, to prevent having anything more to 
 do with such a monster, he assures me that my cure rests in my own 
 hands. My own hands ! they are electric points. Oh ! this is the 
 worst misery of all ! the persecution of destiny cannot plunge 
 me deeper into the gulf of despair. What was the inconvenience of 
 being unable to open my right eye during the whole of last month 
 to being a walking galvanic battery, who cannot pat a child on the 
 head without shocking him ; or shake hands with a friend without 
 knocking him down ? What was my being incapable of sitting or 
 lying for more than three days, resting myself, like a horse in a 
 stall, against the corner of the room, to my present misfortune ? I 
 can't touch a bell-wire without sending an electric shock through 
 the whole lodging-house, and throwing half the members of two re- 
 spectable families into convulsions. Oh ! I shall make away with 
 myself! I can't stand it!" Mr. Hippsley here attempted to draw 
 a bottle of wine ; but his hand coming in contact with the cork- 
 screw, a severe spasm seemed to pass through his frame. 
 
 " There 's a shock !" exclaimed the unhappy man. " What is to 
 become of me ? The least touch of metal brings out those cursed 
 sparks !" and, putting down the bottle, he threw himself into a chair, 
 looking the picture of despondency. 
 
 " I will see Mr. Hippsley !" 
 
 " You can't, ma'am ; you can't ! Master won't be disturbed : he 
 is not dressed. He said that he wouldn't be shaved, anyhow, till he 
 was made sinsible whedher it 's really hair, or feathers, that 's grow- 
 ing out of his chin." 
 
 ** Tell Mr. Hippsley his cousin, Mrs. Martha Meddler, wants to 
 see him," answered a loud voice to this refusal of admission on the 
 part of Patrick, who scarcely had time to announce the importunate 
 

 " - 
 
501 
 
 FAMILY STORIES. No. X. 
 
 BY THOMAS INGOLDSBY. 
 
 WITH AN ILLUSTRATION BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 
 
 GRANDPAPA'S STORY— THE WITCHES' FROLIC. 
 
 [Scene, the " Snuggery " at Tappington.— Grandpapa in a high- backed, cane- 
 bottomed elbow-chair of carved walnut-tree, dozing ; his nose at an angle of 
 forty-five degrees,— his thumbs slowly perform the rotatory motion described 
 by lexicographers as " twiddling." — The " Hope of the family " astride on a 
 walking-stick, with burnt-cork moustachios, and a pheasant's tail pinned in his 
 cap, solaceth himself with martial music. — Roused by a strain of surpassing- 
 dissonance, Grandpapa loquitur. .] 
 
 Come hither, come hither, my little boy, Ned ! 
 
 Come hither unto my knee — 
 I caimot away with that horrible din, 
 That sixpenny drum, and that trumpet of tin. 
 Oh, better to wander frank and free 
 Through the Fair of good Saint Bartlemy, 
 Than list to such awful minstrelsie. 
 Now lay, little Ned, those nuisances by, 
 And I '11 rede ye a lay of Grammarye. 
 
 [Grandpapa riseth, yawneth like the crater of an extinct volcano, proceedeth 
 slowly to the window, and apostrophizeth the Abbey in the distance.] 
 
 I love thy tower, Grey Ruin, 
 I joy thy form to see, 
 Though reft of all, 
 Cell, cloister, and hall, 
 Nothing is left save a tottering wail, 
 That, awfully grand and darkly dull, 
 Threaten'd to fall and demolish my skull, 
 As, ages ago, I wander'd along 
 Careless thy grass-grown courts among, 
 In sky-blue jacket and trowsers laced, 
 The latter uncommonly short in the waist. 
 Thou art dearer to me, thou Ruin grey, 
 Than the Squire's verandah over the way, 
 And fairer, I ween, 
 The ivy sheen 
 That thy mouldering turret binds, 
 Than the Alderman's house about half a mile off, 
 With the green Venetian blinds. 
 
 Full many a tale would my Grandam tell, 
 
 In many a bygone day, 
 Of darksome deeds, which of old befell 
 
 In thee, thou Ruin grey ! 
 And I the readiest ear would lend, 
 
 And stare like frighten'd pig ; 
 While my Grandfather's hair would have stood up an end, 
 
 Had he not worn a wig. 
 
 One tale I remember of mickle dread — 
 Now lithe and listen, my little boy, Ned ! 
 
502 FAMILY STORIES. 
 
 Thou mayest have read, my little boy Ned, 
 Though thy mother thine idlesse blames, 
 
 In Doctor Goldsmith's history book, 
 Of a gentleman called King James, 
 
 In quilted doublet, and great trunk breeches, 
 
 Who held in abhorrence tobacco and witches. 
 
 Well, — in King James's golden days, — 
 
 For the days were golden then, — 
 They could not be less, for good Queen Bess 
 Had died aged threescore and ten, 
 And her days, we know, 
 Were all of them so ; 
 While the Court poets sung, and the Court gallants swore 
 That the days were as golden still as before. 
 
 Some people, 'tis true, a troublesome few, 
 Who historical points would unsettle, 
 
 Have lately thrown out a sort of a doubt 
 Of the genuine ring of the metal ; 
 
 But who can believe to a monarch so wise 
 
 People would dare tell a parcel of lies ? 
 
 — Well, then, in good King James's days, 
 
 Golden or not does not matter a jot, 
 
 Yon ruin a sort of a roof had got ; 
 
 For, though repairs lacking, its walls had been cracking 
 
 Since Harry the Eighth sent its friars a-packing. 
 
 Though joists and floors, 
 
 And windows and doors, 
 PI ad all disappear'd, yet pillars by scores 
 Remain'd, and still propp'd up a ceiling or two ; 
 While the belfry was almost as good as new ; 
 You are not to suppose matters look'd just so 
 In the Ruin some two hundred years ago. 
 
 Just in that farthermost angle, where 
 You see the remains of a winding stair, 
 One turret especially high in air 
 
 Uprear'd its tall gaunt form, 
 As if defying the power of Fate, or 
 The hand of " Time the Innovator ;" 
 
 And though to the pitiless storm 
 Its weaker brethren all around 
 Bowing, in ruin had strew'd the ground, 
 Alone it stood, while its fellows lay strew'd, 
 Like a four-bottle man in a company " screw'd," 
 Not firm on his legs, but by no means subdued. 
 
 One night — 'twas in Sixteen hundred and six — 
 I like when I can, Ned, the date to fix, — 
 
 The month was May, 
 
 Though I can't well say 
 At this distance of time the particular day — 
 But oh ! that night, that horrible night ! 
 Folks ever afterwards said with affright 
 That they never had seen such a terrible sight. 
 
 The Sun had gone down fiery red, 
 And if that evening he laid his head 
 In Thetis's lap beneath the seas, 
 He must have scalded the goddess's knees. 
 
GRANDPAPAS STORY. 503 
 
 lie left behind him a lurid track 
 
 Of blood-red light upon clouds so black, 
 
 That Warren and Hunt, with the whole of their crew, 
 
 Could scarcely have given them a darker hue. 
 
 There came a shrill and a whistling sound, 
 Above, beneath, beside, and arouud, 
 
 Yet leaf ne'er moved on tree ! 
 So that some people thought old Beelzebub must 
 Have been lock'd out of doors, and was blowing the dust 
 
 From the pipe of his street-door key. 
 And then a hollow moaning blast 
 Came sounding more dismally still than the last, 
 And the lightning flash'd, and the thunder growl'd, 
 And louder and louder the tempest howTd, 
 And the rain came down in such sheets as would stagger a 
 Bard for a simile short of Niagara. 
 
 Rob Gilpin " was a citizen ;" 
 
 But, though of some " renown," 
 Of no great " credit * in his own, 
 
 Or any other town. 
 
 He was a wild and roving lad, 
 
 For ever in the alehouse boozing, 
 Or romping, which is quite as bad, 
 
 With female friends of his own choosing. 
 
 And Rob this very day had made, 
 
 Not dreaming such a storm was brewing, 
 An assignation with Miss Slade, — 
 
 Their try sting-place this same grey Ruin. 
 
 But Gertrude Slade became afraid, 
 
 And to keep her appointment unwilling, 
 When she spied the rain on her window-pane 
 
 In drops as big as a shilling ; 
 She put off her hat and her mantle again, — 
 " He '11 never expect me in all this rain !" 
 
 But little he recks of the fears of the sex, 
 
 Or that maiden false to her tryst could be. 
 He had stood there a good half hour 
 Ere yet commenced that perilous shower, 
 
 Alone by the trysting-tree. 
 
 Robin looks east, Robin looks west, 
 
 But he sees not her whom he loves the best ; 
 
 Robin looks up, and Robin looks down, 
 
 But no one comes from the neighbouring town. 
 
 The storm came at last, loud roar'd the blast, 
 And the shades of evening fell thick and fa^t ; 
 The tempest grew, and the straggling yew, 
 His leafy umbrella, was wet through and through. 
 Rob was half dead with cold and with fright, 
 When he spies in the ruins a twinkling light — 
 A hop, two skips, and a jump, and straight 
 Rob stands within that postern gate. 
 
 And there were gossips sitting there. 
 By one, by two, by three : 
 
504 FAMILY STORIES. 
 
 Two were an old, ill-favour'd pair; 
 
 But the third was young, and passing fair, 
 With laughing eyes and with coal-black hair, 
 
 A daintie quean was she. 
 Rob would have given his ears to sip 
 But a single salute from her cherry lip. 
 
 As they sat in that old and haunted room, 
 In each one's hand was a huge birch broom, 
 On each one's head was a steeple-crown'd hat, 
 On each one's knee was a coal-black cat ; 
 Each had a kirtle of Lincoln green — 
 It was, I trow, a fearsome scene. 
 
 " Now riddle me, riddle me right, Madge Gray, 
 What foot unhallow'd wends this way ? 
 Goody Price, Goody Price, now areed me aright, 
 Who roams the old ruins this drearysome night V 
 
 Then up and spake that sonsie quean, 
 
 And she spake both loud and clear : 
 " Oh, be it for weal or be it for woe, 
 Enter friend, or enter foe, 
 
 Rob Gilpin is welcome here ! 
 
 " Now tread we a measure ! a hall ! a hall ! 
 Now tread we a measure," quoth she — 
 The heart of Robin 
 Beat thick and throbbing — 
 11 Roving Rob, tread a measure with me ?"— 
 " Aye, lassie !" quoth Rob, as her hand he gripes, 
 " Though Satan himself were blowing the pipes !" 
 
 Now around they go, and around, and around, 
 With hop-skip-and-jump, and frolicsome bound, 
 
 Such sailing and gliding, 
 
 Such sinking and sliding, 
 
 Such lofty curvetting, 
 
 •And grand pirouetting ; 
 Ned, you would swear that Monsieur Albert 
 And Miss' Taglioni were capering there ! 
 
 And oh ! such awful music ! — ne'er 
 
 Fell sounds so uncanny on mortal ear. 
 
 There were the tones of a dying man's groans, 
 
 Mix'd with the rattling of dead men's bones : 
 
 Had you heard the shrieks, and the squeals, and the squeaks, 
 
 You 'd not have forgotten the sound for weeks. 
 
 And around, and around, and around they go, 
 
 Heel to heel, and toe to toe, 
 
 Prance and caper, curvet and wheel, 
 
 Toe to toe, and heel to heel. 
 
 " Tis merry, 'tis merry, Cummers, I trow, 
 
 To dance thus beneath the nightshade bough !" — 
 
 " Goody Price, Goody Price, now riddle me right, 
 W 7 here may we sup this frolicsome night V* — 
 " Mine Host of the Dragon hath mutton and veal ! 
 The Squire hath partridge, and widgeon, and teal ; 
 But old Sir Thopas hath daintier cheer, 
 A pasty made of the good red deer, 
 
grandpapa's story. 505 
 
 A huge grouse pie, and a fine Florentine, 
 
 A fat roast goose, and a turkey and chine." 
 
 " Madge Gray, Madge Gray, 
 
 Now tell me, I pray, 
 
 Where's the best wassail bowl to our roundelay V 
 
 " — There is ale in the cellars of Tappington Hall, 
 But the Squire* is a churl, and his drink is small ; 
 
 Mine host of the Dragon 
 
 Hath many a flaggon 
 Of double ale, lamb's-wool, and eau de vie, 
 
 But Sir Thopas, the Vicar, 
 
 Hath costlier liquor, — 
 A butt of the choicest Malvoisie. 
 
 He doth not lack 
 
 Canary or Sack ; 
 And a good pint stoup of Clary wine 
 Smacks merrily off with a Turkey and Chine !" 
 
 " Now away ! and away ! without delay, 
 Hey Cockalorum! my Broomstick gay, 
 We must be back ere the dawn of the day : 
 Hey up the chimney ! away ! away !" 
 
 Old Goody Price 
 
 Mounts in a trice, 
 In showing her legs she is not over nice ; 
 
 Old Goody Jones, 
 
 All skin and bones, 
 Follows ** like winking." Away go the crones, 
 Knees and nose in a line with the toes, 
 Sitting their brooms like so many Ducrows ; 
 
 Latest and last 
 
 The damsel past, 
 One glance of her coal-black eye she cast ; 
 She laugh'd with glee loud laughters three, 
 " Dost fear, Rob Gilpin, to ride with me !" 
 Oh, never might man unscath'd espy 
 One single glance from that coal-black eye. 
 
 — Away she flew ! — 
 
 Without more ado 
 Rob seizes and mounts on a broomstick too, 
 " Hey ! up the chimney, lass ! Hey after you !" 
 
 It's a very fine thing on a fine day in June 
 To ride through the air in a Nassau Balloon ; 
 But you '11 find very soon, if you aim at the Moon 
 In a carriage like that you 're a bit of a " Spoon," 
 
 For the largest can't fly 
 
 Above twenty miles high, 
 And you 're not half way then on your journey, nor nigh ; 
 
 While no man alive 
 
 Could ever contrive, 
 Mr. Green said last month, to get higher than five. 
 And the soundest Philosophers hold that, perhaps, 
 If you reach'd twenty miles your balloon would collapse, 
 
 * Stephen Ingoldsby, surnamed " The Niggard," second cousin and successor to 
 " The Bad Sir Giles." (Visitation of Kent, 1666.) For an account of his murder 
 by burglars, and their subsequent execution, see Dodsley's M Remarkable Trials, 
 &c." Lond. 177.6, vol. ii. p. 264, and Bentley's Miscellany, vol. iii. page 299, 
 Art. " Hand of Glory." 
 
506 FAMILY STORIES. 
 
 Or pass by such action 
 
 The sphere of attraction, 
 Getting into the track of some comet — Good-lack ! 
 'T is a thousand to one that you 'd never come back ; 
 And the boldest of mortals a danger like that must fear, 
 And be cautious of getting beyond our own atmosphere. 
 
 No, no ; when I try 
 
 A trip to the sky, 
 I shan't go in that thing of yours, Mr. Gye, 
 Though Messieurs Monk Mason, and Spencer, and Beazly, 
 All join in saying it travels so easily. 
 
 No, there 's nothing so good 
 
 As a pony of wood — 
 Not like that which of late they stuck up on the gate 
 At the end of the Park, which caus'd so much debate, 
 And gave so much trouble to make it stand straight, 
 But a regular Broomstick — you '11 find that the favourite 
 Above all, when, like Robin, you haven't to pay for it. 
 
 — Stay — really I dread 
 
 I am losing the thread 
 Of my tale ; and it 's time you should be in your bed, 
 So lithe now, and listen, my little boy Ned ! 
 * * * » * 
 
 The Vicarage walls are lofty and thick, 
 
 And the copings are stone, and the sides are brick, 
 
 The casements are narrow, and bolted and barr'd, 
 
 And the stout oak door is heavy and hard ; 
 
 Moreover, by way of additional guard, 
 
 A great big dog runs loose in the yard, 
 
 And a horse- shoe is nail'd on the threshold sill, 
 
 To keep out aught that savours of ill, — 
 
 But, alack ! the chimney-pot 's open still ! 
 
 That great big dog begins to quail, 
 
 Between his hind-legs he drops his tail, 
 
 Crouch'd on the ground, the terrified hound 
 
 Gives vent to a very odd sort of a sound ; 
 
 It is not a bark, loud, open, and free, 
 
 As an honest old watch-dog's bark should be ; 
 
 It is not a yelp, it is not a growl, 
 
 But a something between a whine and a howl ; 
 
 And, hark ! a sound from the window high 
 
 Responds to the watch-dog's pitiful cry : 
 
 It is not a moan, 
 
 It is not a groan ; 
 It comes from a nose ; but is not what a nose 
 Produces in healthy and sound repose. 
 Yet Sir Thopas the Vicar is fast asleep, 
 And his respirations are heavy and deep. 
 
 He snores, 'tis true, but he snores no more 
 
 As he 's aye been accustom'd to snore before, 
 
 And as men of his kidney are wont to snore ; — 
 
 (Sir Thopas's weight is sixteen stone four ;) 
 
 He draws his breath like a man distrest 
 
 By pain or grief, or like one opprest 
 
 By some ugly old Incubus perch'd on his breast. 
 
 A something seems 
 
 To disturb his dreams. 
 
grandpapa's story. 507 
 
 And thrice on his ear, distinct and clear, 
 Falls a voice as of somebody whispering near 
 In still small accents, faint and few, 
 " Hey down the chimney-pot ! Hey after you !" 
 
 Throughout the Vicarage, near and far, 
 There is no lack of bolt or of bar, 
 
 Plenty of locks 
 
 To closet and box, 
 Yet the pantry wicket is standing ajar ! 
 And the little low door, through which you must go, 
 Down some half-dozen steps, to the cellar below, 
 Is also unfasten'd, though no one may know, 
 By so much as a guess, how it comes to be so, 
 
 For wicket and door, 
 
 The evening before, 
 Were both of them lock'd, and the key safely placed 
 On the bunch that hangs down from the Housekeeper's waist. 
 
 Oh ! 'twas a jovial sight to view 
 
 In that snug little cellar that frolicsome crew : 
 
 Old Goody Price 
 
 Had got something nice, 
 A turkey-poult larded with bacon and spice ; 
 
 Old Goody Jones 
 
 Would touch nought that had bones, — 
 She might just as well mumble a parcel of stones. 
 Goody Jones in sooth hath got never a tooth, 
 And a New-College pudding of marrow and plums 
 Is the dish of all others that suiteth her gums. 
 
 Madge Gray was picking 
 
 The breast of a chicken, 
 Her coal-black eye, with its glance so sly, 
 Was fix'd on Rob Gilpin himself, sitting by 
 With his heart full of love, and his mouth full of pie; 
 
 Grouse pie, with hare 
 
 In the middle, is fare 
 Which, duly concocted with science and care, 
 Doctor Kitchener says, is beyond all compare ; 
 
 And a tenderer leveret 
 
 Robin had never ate ; 
 So, in after times, oft he was wont to asseverate. 
 
 " Now pledge we the wine-cup ! — a health ! a health ! 
 
 Sweet are the pleasures obtain'd by stealth ! 
 
 Fill up ! fill up ! — the brim of the cup 
 
 Is the part that aye holdeth the toothsomest sup ! 
 
 Here 's to thee, Goody Price ! Goody Jones, to thee ! 
 
 To thee, Roving Rob ! and again to me ! 
 
 Many a sip, never a slip 
 
 Come to us four 'twixt the cup and the lip !" 
 
 The cups pass quick, 
 
 The toasts fly thick, 
 Rob tries in vain out their meaning to pick, 
 But hears the words " Scratch,'' and " Old Bogey," and " Nick." 
 
 More familiar grown, 
 
 Now he stands up alone, 
 Volunteering to give them a toast of his own. 
 
 " A bumper of wine ! 
 
 Fill thine ! Fill mine ! 
 Here's a health to old Noah who planted the Vine V* 
 
508 FAMILY STORIES. 
 
 Oh then what sneezing, 
 
 What coughing and wheezing, 
 Ensued in a way that was not over pleasing ! 
 Goody Price, Goody Jones, and the pretty Madge Gray, 
 All seem'd as their liquor had gone the wrong way. 
 
 But the best of the joke was, the moment he spoke 
 Those words which the party seem'd almost to choke, 
 As by mentioning Noah some spell had been broke, 
 Every soul in the house at that instant awoke ! 
 And, hearing the din from barrel and bin, 
 Drew at once the conclusion that thieves had got in. 
 
 Up jump'd the Cook and caught hold of her spit ; 
 
 Up jump'd the Groom and took bridle and bit ; 
 
 Up jump'd the Gardener and shoulder'd his spade; 
 
 Up jump'd the Scullion, the Footman, the Maid ; 
 
 (The two last, by the way, occasion'd some scandal, 
 
 By appearing together with only one candle, 
 
 Which gave for unpleasant surmises some handle ;) 
 
 Up jump'd the Swineherd, and up jump'd the big boy, 
 
 A nondescript under him acting as pig boy ; 
 
 Butler, Housekeeper, Coachman — from bottom to top 
 
 Everybody jump'd up without parley or stop, 
 
 With the weapon which first in their way chanced to drop,— 
 
 Whip, warming-pan, wig-block, mug, musket, and mop. 
 
 Last of all doth appear, 
 
 With some symptoms of fear, 
 Sir Thopas in person to bring up the rear, 
 In a mix'd kind of costume, half Pontificalibus, 
 Half what scholars denominate Pure Nuturalibus, 
 
 Nay, the truth to express, 
 
 As you '11 easily guess, 
 They have none of them time to attend much to dress ; 
 
 But He or She, 
 
 As the case may be, 
 He or She seizes what He or She pleases, 
 Trunk -hosen or kirtles, and shirts or chemises. 
 And thus one and all, great and small, short and tall, 
 Muster at once in the Vicarage hall, 
 With upstanding locks, starting eyes, shorten'd breath, 
 Like the folks in the Gallery Scene in Macbeth, 
 When Macduff is announcing their Sovereign's death. 
 
 And hark ! what accents clear and strong, 
 To the listening throng come floating along ! 
 'Tis Robin encoring himself in a song — 
 
 " Very good song ! very well sung ! 
 
 Jolly companions every one !" 
 
 On, on to the cellar ! away ! away ! 
 
 On, on, to the cellar without more delay ! 
 
 The whole jsos.se rush onwards in battle array. 
 
 Conceive the dismay of the party so gay, 
 
 Old Goody Jones, Goody Price, and Madge Gray, 
 
 When the door bursting wide, they descried the allied 
 
 Troops, prepared for the onslaught, roll in like a tide, 
 
 And the spits, and the tongs, and the pokers beside ! — 
 
 " Boot and saddle's the word ! mount, Cummers, and ride !' 
 
 Alarm was ne'er caused more strong and indigenous 
 
 By cats among rats, or a hawk in a pigeon-house, 
 
grandpapa's story. 509 
 
 Quick from the view 
 
 Away they all flew, 
 With a yell, and a screech, and a halliballoo, 
 " Hey up the chimney ! Hey after you \" 
 The Volscians themselves made an exit less speedy 
 From Corioli, "flutter'd like doves" by Macready. 
 
 They are gone, save one, 
 
 Robin alone ! 
 Robin, whose high state of civilization 
 Precludes all idea of aerostation, 
 
 And who now has no notion 
 
 Of more locomotion 
 Than suffices to kick with much zeal and devotion. 
 Right and left at the party who pounc'd on their victim, 
 And maul'd him, and kick'd him, and lick'd him, and prick'd him, 
 As they bore him away scarce aware what was done, 
 And believing it all but a part of the fun, 
 Hie — hiccoughing out the same strain he M begun, 
 
 " Jol — jolly companions, every one !" 
 ***** 
 
 Morning grey 
 Scarce bursts into day 
 Ere at Tappington Hall there 's the deuce to pay, 
 The tables and chairs are all placed in array 
 In the old oak-parlour, and in and out 
 Domestics and neighbours, a motley rout, 
 Are walking, and whispering, and standing about, 
 And the Squire is there 
 In his large arm-chair, 
 Leaning back with a grave magisterial air ; 
 In the front of his seat a 
 Huge volume, called Fleta, 
 And Bracton, both tomes of an old-fashion'd look, 
 And Coke upon Lyttleton, then a new book ; 
 And he moistens his lips 
 With occasional sips 
 From a luscious sack-posset that smiles in a tankard 
 Close by on a side-table — not that he drank hard, 
 But because at that day 
 I hardly need say 
 The Hong Merchants had not yet invented How Qua, 
 Nor as yet would you see Souchong or Bohea 
 At the tables of persons of any degree : 
 How our ancestors managed to do without tea 
 I must fairly confess is a myst'ry to me ; 
 Yet your Lydgates and Chaucers 
 Had no cups and saucers ; 
 Their breakfast, in fact, and the best they could get, 
 Was a sort of a dejeuner a lafourchette. 
 Instead of our slops 
 They had cutlets and chops, 
 And sack-possets and ale in stoups, tankards, and pots, 
 And they wound up the meal with rumpsteaks and schalots. 
 
 Now the Squire lifts his hand 
 
 With an air of command, 
 And gives them a sign which they all understand, 
 To bring in the culprit ; and straightway the carter 
 And huntsman drag in that unfortunate martyr, 
 Still kicking and crying, " Come,— what are you aiter?" 
 
510 FAMILY STORIES. 
 
 The charge is prepared, and the evidence clear, 
 u He was caught in the cellar a-drinking the beer ! 
 And came there, there 's very great reason to fear, 
 With companions, to say but the least of them, queer ; 
 
 Such as Witches, and creatures 
 
 With horrible features, 
 
 And horrible grins, 
 
 And hook'd noses and chins, 
 Who 'd been playing the deuce with his Rev'rence's binns." 
 
 The face of his worship grows graver and graver, 
 As the parties detail Robin's shameful behaviour ; 
 Mister Buzzard, the clerk, while the tale is reciting, 
 Sits down to reduce the affair into writing, 
 
 With all proper diction, 
 
 And due " legal fiction ;" 
 Viz : " That he, the said prisoner, as clearly was shown, 
 Conspiring with folks to deponents unknown, 
 With divers, that is to say, two thousand, people, 
 In two thousand hats, each hat peak'd like a steeple, 
 
 With force and with arms, 
 
 And with sorcery and charms, 
 
 Upon two thousand brooms 
 
 Enter'd four thousand rooms ; 
 To wit, two thousand pantries and two thousand cellars, 
 Put. in bodily fear twenty thousand indwellers, 
 And with sundry, that is to say, two thousand, forks, 
 Drew divers, that is to say, ten thousand, corks, 
 And, with malice prepense, down their two thousand throttles, 
 Emptied various, that is to say, ten thousand, bottles ; 
 All in breach of the peace, moved by Satan's malignity, 
 And in spite of King James, and his Crown and his Dignity." 
 
 At words so profound 
 
 Rob gazes around, 
 But no glance sympathetic to cheer him is found. 
 
 No glance, did I say ? 
 
 Yes, one ! — Madge Gray ! — 
 She is there in the midst of the crowd standing by, 
 And she gives him one glance from her coal-black eye, 
 One touch to his hand, and one word to his ear, — 
 (That 's a line which I 'we stolen from Sir Walter, I fear,) — 
 
 While nobody near 
 
 Seems to see her or hear ; 
 As his worship takes up, and surveys with a strict eye 
 The broom now produced as the corpus delicti, 
 
 Ere his fingers can clasp, 
 
 It is snatch'd from his grasp, 
 The end poked in his chest with a force makes him gasp, 
 And, despite the decorum so due to the Quorum, 
 His worship 's upset, and so too is his jorum ; 
 And Madge is astride on the broomstick before 'em. 
 ** Hocus Pocus I Quick, Presto ! and Hey Cockalorum ! 
 Mount, mount for your life, Rob ! — Sir Justice, adieu ! — 
 Hey up the chimney-pot ! hey after you I" 
 
 Through the mystified group, 
 With a halloo and whoop, 
 Madge on the pommel, and Robin en croupe, 
 The pair through the air ride as if in a chair, 
 While the party below stand mouth open and stare, 
 
WILL-ING MOURNERS. 511 
 
 a Clean bumbaized" and amazed, and fix'd, all in the room stick, 
 " Oh ! what 's gone with Robin, and Madge, and the broomstick V 
 Ay, "what 's gone" indeed, Ned ? — of what befell 
 Madge Gray and the broomstick I never heard tell ; 
 But Robin was found that morn, on the ground, 
 In yon old grey ruin again, safe and sound, 
 Except that at first he complain'd much of thirst, 
 And a shocking bad head-ache, of all ills the worst, 
 
 And close by his knee 
 
 A flask you might see, 
 But an empty one smelling of cau dc vie. 
 
 Rob from this hour is an alter'd man ; 
 
 He runs home to his lodgings as fast as he can, 
 
 Sticks to his trade, 
 
 Marries Miss Slade, 
 Becomes a Te-totaller — that is the same 
 As Te-totallers now, one in all but the name ; 
 Grows fond of Small-beer, which is always a steady sign, 
 Never drinks spirits except as a medicine ; 
 
 Learns to despise 
 
 Coal-black eyes, 
 Minds pretty girls no more than so many Guys ; 
 Has a family, lives to be sixty, and dies ! 
 
 Now my little boy Ned, 
 
 Brush off to your bed, 
 Tie your night-cap on safe, or a napkin instead, 
 Or these November nights you '11 catch cold in your head ; 
 And remember my tale, and the moral it teaches, 
 Which you '11 find much the same as what Solomon preaches. 
 Don't flirt with young ladies ! don't practise soft speeches ; 
 Avoid waltzes, quadrilles, pumps, silk hose, and knee-breeches ; 
 Frequent not grey ruins, shun riot and revelry, 
 Hocus Pocus, and Conj'ring, and all sorts of devilry ; 
 Don't meddle with broomsticks, — they 're Beelzebub's switches ; 
 Of cellars keep clear, — they're the devil's own ditches; 
 And beware of balls, banquettings, brandy, and — witches! 
 Don't run after black eyes, above all! — if you do, 
 Depend on 't you '11 find what I say will come true, 
 Old Nick, some fine morning, will " hey after you !" 
 
 Thomas Ingoldsby. 
 
 WILL-ING MOURNERS. 
 
 'Tis rich old Hunks's burial day, 
 
 And friends have round him swarm'd — 
 
 How joyfully his heirs will play 
 At " Funerals perform'd !" 
 
 For they 've no fears of fond hearts breaking 
 
 At such " a pleasant undertaking !" 
 
512 
 TOUJOURS GAI. 
 
 THE FRENCH OR ENGLISH. 
 
 " If they have a fault, it is that they are too serious/' so says 
 Sterne of the French ; though he does not give us, or the Count, in 
 his Sentimental Journey, the promised explanation of his meaning ; 
 but it is curious, with the received and vulgar opinion that the 
 French are a gay and frivolous people, that we should have the re- 
 corded judgment of so many celebrated men that they have been in 
 all times a serious nation. The Roman Emperor Julian, long a re- 
 sident at the primitive Paris, and by nature sad, declared the gravity 
 of the inhabitants of his dear Lutetia pleased him ; the essayist, 
 Jouy, and the traveller, Kotzebue, have remarked this spirit of me- 
 lancholy in the French. 
 
 It is the more curious that this gaiety and frivolity is always 
 spoken of in contrast with the dulness and sobriety of their neigh- 
 bours, the English ; yet when the manners and habits of the respec- 
 tive people are observed, it is difficult to say why this should have 
 become so common an assertion. It is indeed difficult to say what 
 are characteristics of a nation; what makes gaiety, frivolity, and 
 their contraries, melancholy, seriousness, dulness, and gravity, when 
 so many of the latter qualities appear to belong to the French : so 
 many of the former to the English. The two nations are, neverthe- 
 less, classed almost without exception under the opposite categories. 
 
 Perhaps the character of a people cannot be better taken than 
 from their public amusements, and this especially applies to the 
 French, who devote so much of their time to them. Sir Walter 
 Scott says it is remarkable that the French, thought to be a gay 
 and lively people, should have a drama, which no other nation 
 can bear for its dulness, the tedium of its dialogue, and the slow- 
 ness of its plot. Dryden makes the same observation on the 
 French Theatre ; but the classic drama which Walter Scott and 
 Dryden allude to has ceased to be in vogue. The performances 
 of Thespis are now based upon a much broader foundation, and the 
 new school of the romanticists, in opposition to the classics, has 
 established itself. The French, however, still attend the heaviest 
 representations at the Theatre Fran^ais, conversations, called co- 
 medies, and tragedies which progress in rhyme, and end a V eti- 
 quette. They still admire the mellowness of their verse, which 
 takes away from the force of the sentiment, and from all power and 
 nature in the acting. Given up to the licence of the romanticists, 
 they delight in an assemblage of horrors, and in a voluptuous excess 
 of guilt. Everybody has either heard of, read, or seen, La Tour de 
 Nesle, and Lucrece Borgia. Pieces of this description are constantly 
 succeeding, though no longer so well written. Clotilde, a tragedy, 
 in which Mademoiselle Mars performed at the Theatre Fran^ais, was 
 equal to any of the productions of the Porte St. Martin ; and the tone 
 given by these two play-houses for so long a period has pervaded all 
 the minor and Vaudeville theatres. The time has been when it was not 
 possible to choose an entertainment without tragedy ; and sometimes 
 the theatre devoted to farces would play all sad and affecting pieces : 
 the Vaudeville, " Le duel sous le Cardinal Richelieu," and u Un de 
 plus ;" the Ambigue, " Fils de l'Empereur ;" the Theatre de la 
 
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