35/3 
 
 Jerningham 
 Welch Heiress
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD 
 ENDOWMENT FUND
 
 THE 
 
 WELCH HEIRESS, 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
 THE SECOND EDITION, 
 
 Eon&on : 
 
 PRINTED FOR RICHARD WHITE, NO. 173, PICCADILLY. 
 
 1795.
 
 TO THE Pf^ 
 
 EARL OF HARCOURT. ? 5 
 
 As I have attempted to write a Comedy at 
 the flattering inftigation of your Lordfhip, 
 the following fcenes have a natural claim to 
 your protection. If, when you prompted and 
 encouraged me to court the Comic Mufe, 
 you had imparted to me at the fame time 
 fome mare of your inftinclive penetration 
 into character of your elegant, but impref- 
 five ridicule of fafhionable levities had you 
 configned to my hand the clue that guides you 
 in the chace and detection of folly through 
 the intricate windings of her labyrinth, I 
 mould have prefented to you a Comedy more 
 worthy of your attention. Such as it is, it 
 offers me an opportunity of publickly ac- 
 knowledging the high value I fet upon a 
 friendmip, which I have had the happinefs of 
 enjoying fo many years. 
 
 I have the honor to be, 
 Your moft obedient 
 Humble Servant, 
 
 EDWARD JERNINGHAM. 
 
 958193
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 TO THE 
 
 WELCH HEIRESS. 
 
 WRITTEN BY JOHN TAYLOR, ESQ. 
 
 Spoken ly Mr. Barrymore. 
 
 " SHOOT Folly as it flies." Such is the game, 
 At which, 'tis faid, the Comic Mufe mould aim i 
 The darker paffions that the heart deform, 
 And fpread o'er groaning dates the moral ftorm, 
 Are pompous themes the iportive Maid refigns, 
 To fwell her folemn Sifter's lofty lines. 
 Yet when me fain would ftrike luch tow'ring prey, 
 The ferious Damfcl takes the fafeft way ; 
 Tho' proud yet prudent wounding guilt too high, 
 To wake in you the felf-reproaching figh ; 
 In fluggim apathy you carelefs fit, 
 Nor fmart for crimes that you could ne'er commit : 
 But, in the comic province, who mail dare 
 To touch the faults that you may haply fliare ? 
 For confcience then may ftrengthen the appeal, 
 And bid you crufh what forces her to feel. 
 
 For Virtue, zealous and difdaining awe, 
 E'en fear'd by thofe too mighty for the law, 
 The Stage, through ev'ry ftation, Vice has try'd, 
 And honeft Satire has her lafh applied. 
 
 Hence,
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 Hence, while the Comic Mufe muft fear to wound, 
 She ftill is doom'd to courfe o'er beaten ground; 
 Again bring forward what too well you know, 
 Or, if a novelty, fome monfter fhew. 
 
 To-night our Bard, who long has ftruck the lyre, 
 A modeft minftrel of the plaintive choir, 
 Attempts for once a harmlefs laugh to raife, 
 More dreading cenfure than prefuming praife. 
 One point we fairly in his caufe may plead- 
 For know, he dares to touch the fcribbling breed; 
 Dares ftrip from dull conceit its bold pretence, 
 And prove an Author may be void of fenfe. 
 Then let your candour countenance the grace 
 That freely owns the follies of his race; 
 And fure our Bard e'en Malice need not fear, 
 (Could Malice lurk in fpecious ambum here) 
 E'en me may yield her pittance of applaufe 
 To him whofe vent'rous pen a brother draws ; 
 For while thus fportive on a fcribbling elf, 
 Our fimple Poet may deride Jiimfelf.
 
 The following Lines, written by the Rev. Mr. 
 PRITCHARD, Jun. before be knew the 
 Author was in poffijjion of another Pro- 
 logue, contain too much Merit to be fup~ 
 pre/ed. 
 
 THERE liv'd at Argos once a youth of fame, 
 (So Horace tells) and Lycas was his name, 
 Who, (if there is a joy which mad men know, 
 And fuch as madnefs only can beftow) 
 By the ftrong force of its prevailing pow'r, 
 Wak'd to frelh tranfport ev'ry new-born hour. 
 Each vifionary fcenc that fancy drew, 
 His mind embodied, and confirm'd it true. 
 Oft, in the height of his diftemper's rage, 
 He faw, or fancy'd that he faw, a ftage ; 
 Where as he heard the felf-imagin'd found, 
 And trod, or thought he trod, dramatic ground ; 
 Where, with nice Ikill in imitative art, 
 Each fon of Thefpis feem'd to play his part, 
 The fond conceit drew down his loud applaufe, 
 As tho' reality had been the caufe, 
 And ev'ry member, head, hands, lips, and eyes, 
 Profefs'd their praife, and teftified iurprize. 
 
 If fuch the charm where fancy gave delight, 
 Let truth, not fiction, plead our caufe to-night ; 
 
 And,
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 And, as I come to take a nearer view, 
 Pleading for him who drives to pleafure you, 
 Oh ! may propitious Beauty* fmile reward ! 
 May Science f favour, and the Gods J regard ! 
 
 Sons of renown, the bards of ancient days, 
 Wore on their heads a circling crown of bays, 
 Thefe bloom eternal, for to them belong 
 The grace, the pride, the energies of fongj 
 The tale well-told, the animated line, 
 The glow of fentiment, and thought divine ; 
 Yet ftill there blofibms many a virgin flow'r, 
 On the fair fpot where Genius rears her bow'r ; 
 Of thefe our bard prefents before your view, 
 One of a fimple, but unfully'd huej 
 Should the mild off'ring kind acceptance mare, 
 Tis your's to weave the crown, and his to wear. 
 
 * To the Boxes. f To the Pit, J To the Galleries.
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 LORD MELCOURT MR. PALMER. 
 MR. FASHION - MR. BARRYMORE. 
 
 SIR PEPPER PLIN- 7 M n 
 
 LIMMON J MR.DODD. 
 
 MR. PHRENSY - MR. BANNISTER, JUN, 
 MR, FANCY - - MR. R. PALMER, 
 
 LADY BELLAIR - Miss FARREN. 
 LADY PLINLIMMON Miss POPE. 
 Miss PLINLIMMON MRS. JORDAN. 
 
 SCENE MELCOURT-HALL, near Town.
 
 THE 
 
 WELCH HEIRESS, 
 A COMEDY. 
 
 A C T I. 
 
 Enter Lady BELLAIR Mr. FASHION. 
 Mr. FASHION. 
 
 JAM happy at your Ladymip's arrival. We ex- 
 pelled you laft night. 
 
 Lady Bellair. I purpofely avoided coming laft 
 night, that I might not be complicated in the em- 
 barraflment of the Welch family's arrival, whom 
 I undcrfland came yefterday. What fort of crea- 
 tures are they ? How many did the caravan confift 
 of? I expe<5t to fee the whole race of Shenkin. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Do not be alarmed as to their num- 
 ber; I will give your Ladyihip a lift of the dra- 
 matis perfon*, and a faint fketch of their characters. 
 
 Lady B. Pray do ! for I have fecn nobody, not 
 even my brother, the padrone della caja. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Lord Melcourt, I know, is walked 
 out ; I was juft enquiring after him. But to return 
 to the fubjecb; Yefterday evening, the family 
 coach, covered with duft, and much damaged by 
 the toil and length of the journey, waddled up to 
 B the
 
 6 THE WEI CH 
 
 the hall-door in great labour, and was happily de- 
 livered of Sir Pepper Plinlimmon, Lady Plinlim- 
 mon, Mifs Plinlimmon, and a femme de chambre\ 
 two fervants attended on Welch ponies. The 
 coach, I muft inform you, contained originally 
 five perfons, but it mifcarried on the road of Mr. 
 Taffey, their chaplain, who could not bear the in- 
 fidc of a carriage. He is, however, expected to- 
 morrow, in the bafket of ibme ftage-coach. 
 
 Lady B. I fancy we fhall be able to do without 
 Mr. Taffey. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Indeed you are miftaken. He is 
 one of the effential perfonages in our drama, for he 
 is to join the hands of Lord Melcourt and Mifs 
 Plinlimmon. 
 
 Lady B. What fort of a thing is the girl ? 
 
 Mr. Fajh. She is very well as to beauty ; her 
 mape elegantly and harmonioufly formed, but 
 when in motion, ungraceful. Her mind is a com- 
 pound of ignorance and information, like the 
 waving branches that give a checquered kind of 
 light. She made us laugh laft night at fupper 
 with the childifh fimplicity of her queftions, and 
 fometimes me excited our admiration at the 
 quicknefs of her repartee, and the folidity of her 
 judgment; in a word, fhe appears to be an infpired 
 jdeot. 
 
 Lady B. Now let me have the portrait of Sir 
 Pepper. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Sir Pepper is a plain, unafTumin 
 man, fubject at times to a warmth of temper, and 
 whole local train of impoverifhed ideas are quite 
 imfuitable to the fcene he is now entering upon, 
 and to the company with which he is now to affo- 
 fociate. His mind has received a peculiar biafs 
 refpecYmg the prophecies that have been floating 
 of late, and he is almoft convinced the world will 
 be at an end before his daughter has brought Lord 
 Melcourt a ion and heir. 
 
 Lady
 
 H 'E 1 R E S S. 7 
 
 Lady B. I confefs, I like the whimdcallity of 
 that notion ; it will ferve to amule us. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. As for Lady Plinlimmon, fhe has a 
 confiderable fhare of vanity ; half of which fhe 
 fpends in admiration of her daughter-in-law, the 
 other fhe confumes upon herfelf. She imagines 
 Ihe has a refined tafte for literature, that Ihe is a 
 fupreme judge of painting, and - 
 
 Lady B. Oh ! then fhe is intolerable. 
 
 Mr. Fa/h. By no means. There is a broad good- 
 humour about her which makes her inoffenfive. 
 She looks with impatience for the honour of ce- 
 menting an acquaintance with your Ladylhip. 
 
 Lady B. I think, from your delcription, it will 
 not be unentertaining to pafs a day or two with 
 thefe Welch Emigrants. But does my brother 
 fcem happy at his approaching nuptials ? 
 
 Mr. Fajb. Yefterday he feemed at firft over- 
 come by the invafion of thefe Vandals ; but his 
 native mirth rallied, and at the dole of the evening 
 he was himfelf again. But here he comes. 
 
 Enter Lord MELCOURT. 
 
 Lord Mel. Sifter, you are welcome ! You look 
 in high beauty. The elegant circles in town will 
 be eclipfed without you. I lave you feen our new 
 kindred? 
 
 Lady B. Not yet. Mr. Falhion has been giv- 
 ing me a flight fketch of them. 
 
 Lord Mel. Well, I am ready to confign Sir 
 Pepper, and Lady Plinlimmon to the full dif- 
 charge of your raillery; but fpare, I intreat you, 
 my fhepherdefs of the Alps. 
 
 Lady B. Never fear ; never fear. 
 
 Lord Mel. Lady Plinlimmon looks for your 
 arrival with all the flutter of anxious expectation. 
 Your fame, like an artful prologue, has fmoothed 
 
 the
 
 THE WE t 
 
 the way to a kind reception : me talks of you as 
 the paragon of excellence ; Ihe will ftudy your 
 whole perfon; obferve every motion, attitude, and 
 every article of your drefs. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Lady Bellair may be faid to be a 
 capital picture from the gallery of fafhion, for Lady 
 Plinlimmon to copy. 
 
 Lady B. I will venture to fay, without the im- 
 peachment of vanity, that the copy will not come 
 up to the merit of the original. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Your Ladyfhip is perfectly right. 
 
 Lady B. But tell me, brother, don't you feel, 
 independent of the charms of your young bride, 
 an uncommon elafticity of mind in the removal of 
 the incumbrances which this marriage will effect ? 
 
 Lord Mel. Yes. Upon that ground I plant the 
 ftandard of my gaudieft ftreamer. I have had a 
 private conference with Sir Pepper, and his im- 
 mediate relinquiming of his Brecknocklhire eftate 
 will enable me to part with my Iriih acres, and 
 fatisfy all my noify claimants; who, like a vora- 
 cious pack of hounds, have chaced me from hill to 
 dale, and notwithftanding the windings of excufes, 
 and the intricate mazes of delay, would have foon 
 overtaken me, had not this golden mower from 
 the Welch mountains put an end to the chace. 
 
 Lady B. Bravo ! Are we to expect any more 
 company ? 
 
 Lord Mel. I have invited my friend Fancy, the 
 miniature-painter. I expect alfo Phrenly, the 
 poet, whom you have often heard me talk of; he 
 will fuit Lady Plinlimmon, and their mutual ec- 
 centricities will divert us. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. I am glad that oddity will be added 
 to the group; you have frequently amufed me 
 with anecdotes concerning him. When will he 
 be here ? 
 
 Lord Mel. I expect him every minute. He 
 writes word he will be here to-day, but begs his 
 
 coming
 
 HEIRESS. 9 
 
 coming may be a fecret j and, as he is not perfon- 
 nally known to any body but myfelf, he defires to 
 afiume the name of Tombftone. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. What a whim ! What can he mean ? 
 
 Lord M. Moft likely he is afraid of his cre- 
 ditorshowever, do not betray him to the reft of 
 our fociety. But here come our Welch relatives, 
 (Enter Sir PEPPER PLINLIMMON, Lady PLIN- 
 LIMMON, and Mifs PLINLIMMON.) Give me 
 leave to prefent Lady Bellair, to your Ladyfhip. 
 
 Lady Plin. Independent of the connection that 
 is taking place between our families, I rejoice at 
 the opportunity that now offers of commencing 
 an acquaintance with Lady Bellair. 
 
 Lady B. Your Ladyfhip does me a great deal 
 of honour. I hope Sir Pepper, you will like this 
 part of the world fiifficiently to engage you to 
 ftay among us fome time. 
 
 Lady Plin. What eafc ! What elegance ! (Afide. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. I mould wifh to enjoy your Lady- 
 fhip's fociety, but I am rather dilpoled to return 
 as foon as I can ; for if, as Noftradamus fays, we 
 are in the fifth act I mould like to be at home 
 when the curtain drops. 
 
 Lady Plin. Dear Sir Pepper, do not cloud the 
 fplendour of Lady Bdlair's mind, with the dark 
 mifts of your odious prophecies. 
 
 Lady B. I beg your Ladyfhip will let Sir 
 Pepper fay what he choofes, I am not eafily alarm- 
 ed: credulity is not my foible. But this is a con- 
 verfation of too fevere a caft for our young bride : 
 you, my dear, may fend your expecting eye through 
 a long and gay perfpective. 
 
 Mifs P. So I do ! I expect to have fine cloaths, 
 to go to a great many balls, and I expect to be 
 married ! 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Your Ladyfhip will exufe the wild 
 Simplicity of my daughter. 
 
 Lady B.
 
 ro THE WELCH 
 
 Lady B. Oh! I am a great admirer of arrlefs 
 Simplicity; it is as rare to be met with as fmcerity. 
 
 Lady Plin. When me has exchanged the rude 
 breezes of the mountain where fhe was bred, for the 
 gentler gales of poliflied focicty, me will aflimi- 
 late with the foft elegance of her new fituation. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Lady Bellair herfelf could not have 
 invented a metaphor more happily allufive. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. My wife is very metaphor^/?//. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Yes ! we all have our different calls ; 
 mamma is mttaphoricall papa is prophetic// 
 I am com'uall- the old curate, near Plinlimmon 
 Caftle, is clamY^//, and his wife is dropfuW// 
 
 Lady Plin. You muft check this careleis volu- 
 bility. 
 
 Lord Mel. Suppofe, gentlemen, we leave the 
 ladies to confer by themfelves. Will you allow 
 me, Sir Pepper, to mew you the Vandyke 1 men- 
 tioned laft night ? 
 
 Sir P. Plin. If you pleafe. 
 
 {Exeunt Sir PEPPER, Mr. FASHION, 
 Lord MELCOURT. 
 
 Lady Plin. I mould wifh your Ladyfhip not to 
 be impreiTed with an idea that my daughter-in- 
 law is deficient in the great outline of education, 
 though Che has not yet received the laft touchings 
 of embellifhment. I myielf have been her tuto- 
 refs, and have read to her fcveral of the bed En- 
 glim authors. 
 
 Mifs Plin. And all the Welch poets. 
 
 Lady B. 1 am perluadcd Mils Plinlimmon is 
 deficient in nothing that is abfolutely requifite Tor 
 the flation me is going to alcend: as for thole de- 
 licate finifhings, that fafhionable elegance de- 
 mands--- 
 
 Lady Plin. Your Ladylhip's fociety will fupply. 
 I confign this young Alpine plant to your care : 
 'tis yours to give the pliant branches their proper 
 direction, and to breathe on them a playful air of 
 eafy negligence. With your permiifion, I will now 
 
 with-
 
 HEIRESS. n 
 
 withdraw for the purpofe of my girls imbibing from 
 your Ladyfhip thofe namelefs graces you only can 
 beftow. (Exit Lady PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Mijs Plin. What are ' thofe things mamma fays 
 you are to beftow upon me ? 
 
 Lady B. My friendihip ! And you in return 
 mud have fome friendihip for me, and fpeak to 
 me with confidence upon every point that relates 
 to your marriage with my brother. By what he 
 has faid to me, I find he is extremely attached to 
 you : I hope his attachment will meet with an 
 equal return on your part. 
 
 Mtfs Plin. That is as it may be. 
 
 Lady B. I am fure Lord Melcourt is reckoned 
 by all the ladies very handfome, amiable, enter- 
 taining, and 
 
 Mifs Plin. I know all that, and I fhould be very 
 partial to him, if - 
 
 Lady B. If what, my dear? 
 
 Mtfs Plin. If 
 
 Lady B. Has he done any thing to offend you ? 
 
 Mifs Plin. No ! but he has done nothing to 
 pleafe me. 
 
 Lady B. Does he appear to neglect you ? I re- 
 collect he was uncommonly affiduous in writing to 
 you laft winter. 
 
 Mtfs Plin. Oh yes ! he frequently wrote to me, 
 and he ufed to lay in his letters, that when I mould 
 come to Melcourt Hall, we fhould wander through 
 the groves together, and he would fay fuch tender 
 things to me by the river-fide. Now we were by the 
 river-fide yefterday evening, and fcarce one word 
 did he fay to me, but convcrfed with my papa 
 about the winding of his rivers egad! I wifh it 
 was wound round his neck, 
 
 Lady B. Fie, child ! You mtift not imagine that 
 Lord Melcourt's attention is to be totally devoted 
 to you. 
 
 Mifs
 
 12 THE WELCH 
 
 Mijs Plin. Am I then not to expect any mare 
 of his convcrfation ? Is there to be no time for 
 wooing? no flirtation? no whifpering? no toying? 
 no innocent anticipation ? 
 
 Lady B. Mifs Plinlimmon, the manufacturing 
 of love in Wales may perhaps be as coarfe as a 
 fackcloth, but in this part of the world, the cupids 
 of fafhion weave the fine texture with a light and 
 invifible hand. 
 
 Mifs Flin. Invifible indeed ! But if I am never 
 to partake of his company, what am I come here 
 for ? what mall I be the better for being married 
 to him ? where is the advantage ? 
 
 Lady B. You will obtain the advantage of his 
 name and title ; you will move in a higher fphere. 
 
 Mifs Plin. But I always underftood, that wed- 
 lock was a kind of travelling through life toge- 
 ther? 
 
 Lady B, So it is, but then it is like travelling 
 in the double ftage-coach ; you go the fame jour- 
 ney together, without feeing or incommoding one 
 another. 
 
 Mifs Plin. I hate the double ftage-coach ; I like 
 a vis-a-vis much better. However, if Lord Mel- 
 court does not become more affiduous, he may be 
 fupplanted Fafhion is much more attentive. 
 
 Enter Lord MELCOURT. 
 
 Lord Mel. I afk pardon for interrupting you ; 
 but the odd character I fpoke of is arrived ; he 
 begs to fee me in private ; he is now coming. 
 
 Lady B. We will retire immediately. 
 
 (Exeunt Lady BELL AIR and 
 Mifs PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Enter
 
 HEIRESS. 13 
 
 Enter fervant announces Mr. TOMBSTONE.--* 
 Enter Mr. PHRENSY. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Your fervant I am obliged to 
 you for your invitation I have an epithalamium 
 for the occalion ; mall I read it ? 
 
 Lord Mel. All in good time : tell me firft why 
 you afiiime another name ? 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. You mail hear, but do not betray 
 me. 
 
 Lord Mel. You may rely upon me. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Shall not I read the epithalamium 
 firft? 
 
 Lord Mel. No, no ! I am impatient for your 
 hiftory ? 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Well, you mail hear it but I 
 am certain you will be pleafed with the epithala- 
 mium. 
 
 Lord Mel. I have no doubt, but let me know 
 the fecret motive of your changing your name, 
 before we are interrupted. 
 
 Mr". Phrenfy. Do you think your fervants will 
 know me ? 
 
 Lord Mel. I have an entire new fet. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. That makes me happy. 
 
 Lord Mel. Was it the ftar of your creditors? 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. No fuch terreftrial motive urged 
 me to afifume another name : this liberty I have 
 taken with mylelf flows from a more iublime 
 caufe, than the apprehenfion of bailiffs ! I will now 
 difclofe the myftery unlefs you choofe to hear 
 the epithalamium firft 
 
 Lord Mel. Do not trifle any longer, but let me 
 know the purport of this myfterious conduct. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Envy, which attends living au- 
 thors, has purfucd me with great implacability. 
 
 c Lord
 
 WELCH 
 
 Lord Mel. I do not recoiled that I ever heard 
 your works cenfured. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. Likely enough cenfure would 
 have excited notice notice would have led to 
 obfervation obfervation to juftice juftice to 
 admiration no no ! Envy, my Lord took another 
 method with me, me fome how or other, contriv- 
 ed to breathe over me and my works a dread 
 repofe. The warehoufe where my productions 
 are depofited, reiembles a family vault where all 
 my numerous progepy are at reft ! And are only 
 diftinguifhed from one another by labels fuch as 
 Phrenfy's comedies Phrenfy's tragedies Phren- 
 fy's fatires Phrenfy's 
 
 Lord Mel. But what has all this to do with the 
 changing of your name ? 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. I am now coming to the mark : 
 my friends have foothed me with the idea, that 
 pofterity will do me juftice that pofterity will fay 
 to thefe fleepers, arife ! Then will my comedies, 
 my tragedies, my odes, fnake off their duft and 
 dazzle the admiring world. 
 
 Lord Mel. What is all this to the purpofe ? 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. You mall hear inftead of pati- 
 ently waiting the natural procefs of time, I con- 
 ceived a ftratagem of anticipating my triumphs, 
 and of taking a fhort cut to pofterity. 
 
 Lord Mel. How do you mean by cutting 
 your throat ? 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. 'Tis done, 'tis done 
 
 Lord Mel. What's done ? 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. I have killed myfelf j that is to 
 fay I have given out that I am dead. This is the 
 reafon for changing my name envy was never 
 played fuch a trick before 
 
 Lord Mel. But why take the melancholy name 
 of Tombftone? 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. That is to keep me in recollec- 
 tion that I am dead. 
 
 Lord
 
 HEIRESS. 15 
 
 Lord Mel. There is fenfe in that. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. But this ftratagem, my Lord, has 
 not yet anfwered my fanguine expectation. 
 
 Lord Mel. How fo ? 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. I have been three weeks dead, 
 and would you believe that there has not been in 
 any of the papers, an elegy, a pofthumous puff, 
 or a line' in my commendation. 
 
 Lord Mel. That is very ftrange. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. Egad ! A tallow-chandler might 
 have dipt out of the world, as cafily as I have 
 done. 
 
 Lord Mel. How did you infert your death in 
 the papers, for it efcaped my notice. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Simply thus yeflerday died, 
 univerfally lamented, the eminent poet, Claflical 
 Phrenfy, Efq. 
 
 Lord Mel. To be fure, nothing could be more 
 fimple and modeit but I have an idea, that I 
 think will ferve your fcheme better I will have 
 it inferred in the papers, and you mail draw up 
 the paragragh, to this purpofe yefterday the emi- 
 nent poet, Clafikal Phrenfy, Efq. died fuddenly, at 
 Melcourt-Hall, where he was upon a vifit to his 
 friend, Lord Melcourt. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Very good excellent concep- 
 tion. 
 
 Lord Mel. The circumftance of making your 
 exit at my country-houfe, during the interefting 
 moment of my nuptials, will give your death an 
 eclat. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. This fecond edition of my death, 
 with additions, will do admirably faith, but what 
 will your company fay, when they mail read the 
 paragraph ? 
 
 Lord Mel. I mall take particular care, that none 
 of them mail fee it. 
 
 c i Mr.
 
 16 THE WELCH 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. But what docs your Lordfhip 
 fmile at ? 
 
 Lord Mel. Another idea occurs, which will 
 ferve to enrich the paragraph 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. As how ? 
 
 Lord Mel. Fancy, the miniature-painter, will be 
 here to day I mall tell him as a profound lecret 
 that you lie dead in the houfe, and that it- is 
 unknown to the company- and I will beg of him, 
 as you are my friend, to take a faint fketch of 
 you 
 
 Mr. Phrenjy. This will, as your Lordfhip fays, 
 enrich the paragraph, which may run thusMr. 
 Phrenfy being the intimate friend of Lord Mel- 
 court, an eminent painter from town was fent for, 
 to take a likenefs of the great poet. 
 
 Lord Mel. Admirable ! You have only to whiten 
 your face, and make yourfelf like a ghoft in an 
 opera, the painter mall only peep at you, and then 
 finim the fketch from memory-- -truft to rny contri- 
 vance, you mall not be detected. 
 
 Mr. Phrenjy. I will go and prepare the para- 
 graph. {Phrenfy going, returns} your Lordfhip 
 then does not wifh to hear the epithalamium 
 firft? 
 
 Lcrd Mel. No, no ! I expect the painter every 
 minute. (Exit Mr. PHRENSY.) Self conceit - 
 good humour with abfurdity, are happily blend- 
 ed in that man's compofition. 
 
 Enter SERVANT. 
 
 Servant. Mr. Fancy is arrived 
 Lord Mel. Bid him come in 
 
 Enter
 
 HEIRESS. 17 
 
 Enter Mr. FANCY. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. I wifh your Lordfhip joy, I flatter 
 myfelf you have not lent for me, to be an idle 
 fpe&ator I hope Ifhallhave the honor of draw- 
 ing the bride. 
 
 Lord Mel. Moft afluredly the art fuffers when 
 you are idle. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Have you afiembled many of your 
 friends upon this occafion ? 
 
 Lord Mel. No Lady Bellair is come, and 
 Mr. Famion, and a literary acquaintance of mine, 
 Mr. Tombftone. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. I never heard of his name. 
 
 Lord Mel. He has lived a great deal abroad, 
 he is lately" returned from Africa j I had another 
 ingenious man here, and he was my particular 
 friend, but a fudden death has deprived me of 
 that invaluable perfon: what I am going to relate, 
 js a fecret, nobody is acquainted with the terrible 
 accident, except a confidential fervant. Poor 
 Phrenfy, the poet, died fuddenly laic night ; he is 
 now in the houfe, and is to be removed this even- 
 ing : I mould be happy to have a relemblance of 
 my old friend, and if you would have the good- 
 nefs to take a hafty fketch of him, you would in- 
 finitely oblige me. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. I can have no objection. 
 
 Lord Mel. Let all this tranfadion be as fecret 
 as the grave. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. You may depend upon me. 
 
 Enter Mr. PHRENSY, witb a paper. 
 
 Mr. Phrtnfy. Here is the paragraph for your 
 infpection. 
 
 Lord
 
 i8 THE WELCH 
 
 Lord Mel. (taking the paper) I ihall look at it 
 another time. Let me have the fatisfac~lion of in- 
 troducing two gentlemen to one another, who are 
 formed for each other's acquaintance; Mr. Tomb- 
 ftone, let me prefent you to Mr. Fancy. I muft 
 now beg perm iffion to leave you together; I mail 
 return in a few moments. (Exit Lord MELCOURT. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. I am happy in commencing an ac- 
 quaintance with ib ingenious a gentleman. I 
 Ihould be proud to draw your portrait. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. (Smiling] You mall, Mr. Fancy. 
 I fuppofe the bride is to be embellilhed by your 
 pencil ? 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Of courfe. But Lord Melcourt 
 did not fend for me merely to paint the young 
 lady. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. Your pencil will undoubtedly run, 
 through the whole family. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Likely enough. But I have another 
 meaning. I am lent for -I am fure Mr. Tomb- 
 ftone may be trufted; and as the firft fruits of my 
 friendfhip for you, I will depofit in your breaft 
 a profound fecret. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. I will in return communicate to 
 you, the firft iecret that is whifpered in my ear. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. I have, then, to inform you, that 
 there is a perfon lies dead in the houfe, and Lord 
 Melcourt has begged I would juft catch a refem- 
 blance of his departed friend. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. Who is it ? 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Phrenfy, the poet ! 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Indeed ! Is that great and unri- 
 valled man no more ? 
 
 Mr. Fancy. You are too magnificent in the epi- 
 thets you apply to Mr. Phrenfy. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. By no means ! Reflect what an 
 awful talk is now impofed upon you ! Methinks I 
 
 fee
 
 HEIRESS. 19 
 
 fee you advance, with fublime emotion, towards the 
 honoured couch that bears the breathlefs image of 
 that immortal man ! 
 
 Mr. Fancy. But whence this enthufiafm ? After 
 all it muft be confeflfed, that the friendfliip of 
 Lord Melcourt was the higheft feather in his cap. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. Talk not to me of feather, or of 
 cap! His head was encircled with laurel, wove by 
 the public hand! For fhame Mr. Fancy, is it 
 thus you revere the illuftrious dead ? 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Don't be ib warm, Mr. Tomb- 
 ftone, I am perhaps a little ungenerous in Ipeak- 
 ing againft the dead who cannot defend them- 
 felves : but tell me difpaflionately, do you admire 
 poor Phrenfy's writings ? 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. I do ! I know them by heart, have 
 you a mind to hear the fixteenth fcene of his 
 tragi-comedy, in fix acts, where the princefs 
 catches her. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. No, no ! I will not give you the 
 trouble of repeating your friend's verfes. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. My friend's verfes ! you fay right, 
 yes my intimate friend; he never wrote a line 
 without confulting me. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. But if he was fo dear a friend, how 
 comes it you are not more affected by his death ? 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. I am aftonifhed, ftunned, bewil- 
 dered at the dreadful fecret you difcloied ! When 
 the firft imprefilon is fubfided, grief will fucceed: 
 Lord Melcourt out of affection for me fecreted 
 the melancholy event, but I begin to feel myfelf 
 overpowered, (goes afide with his handkerchief to 
 
 his eyes. 
 
 Enter Lord MELCOURT. 
 
 Lord Mel. What is' the matter with Mr. Tomb- 
 ftone? 
 
 Mr:
 
 20 THE WELCH 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Inadvertantly I informed him of 
 the death of Mr. Phrenfy, not knowing the inti- 
 macy that fubfifted between them. 
 
 Lord Mel. How could you be fo imprudent ? 
 (goes up to Mr. Phrenfy} Dear Tombftone, do not 
 yield to this inordinate affliction. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. How can I command my grief? 
 (throws his arms round Lord Mel-court's neck.J 
 
 Lord Mel. I take no inconfiderable lhare in 
 your diftrefs. 
 
 Mr. Phrenjy. Undoubtedly you do, in loofing 
 Mr. Phrenfy, you lofe your panegyrift think 
 how often he has regaled your Lordfhip with the 
 thickeft cream of dedication. 
 
 Lord Mel. Forbear to remind me, you affect 
 me too much. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. What a fituation I am in ! I thought 
 I was invited to the abode of feftivity, inftead of 
 which, I am come into the houfe of mourning ; I 
 had better return to town. 
 
 Lord Mel. By no means ! When this mutual 
 fympathetic emotion is over, we mail return to 
 our former mirth. 
 
 Mr Fancy. Your Lordihip appeared very eafy 
 and jocund juft now. 
 
 Lord Mel. You then faw me during the inter- 
 vals of the firft and fecond paroxifm of grief. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Is then your Lordfhip's affliction 
 methodifed into acts like a play, with paufes be- 
 tween the divifions. 
 
 Lord Mel. Indeed Mr. Fancy, this is not a mo- 
 ment for raillery, let me entreat you to leave us, 
 we mail be more compofed prefently. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Well, I will obey your commands ! 
 
 (Exit. 
 
 Lord MELCOURT and Mr. PHRENSY burft into 
 laugbing. 
 
 Lord
 
 HEIRESS. 21 
 
 Lord Mr/. We fhall have dill more entertain- 
 ment wich the painter, when he has drawn your 
 picture. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. I am impatient for that fcene, I 
 will crp and prepare mylclf. 
 
 Lcrd Mel. My valet de chambre, who has my 
 inftruftions, and who is in our confidence will 
 aflift and furnifh you with whatever is necefiary 
 for the purpofe, I muft now join the company. 
 
 
 END OF THE FIRST ACT. 
 
 ACT II.
 
 THE WE LCH 
 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Lord MEL COURT Mr. FANCY, wilb a pallet in 
 bis band a couch at feme diftance, on which 
 Mr. PHRENSY lies, dijguijed as dead. 
 
 Lord Mel. Shall we now approach the venera- 
 ble remains of the great man. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Give me leave to mingle my co- 
 lours a little. 
 
 Lord Mel. I am afraid the tafk I have impofed 
 upon you, is unpleafant: you feel, I make no 
 doubt, verydifagreeable ienfations upon this occa- 
 fion. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Not in the leaft, a lifelefs frame 
 does not imprels me with any ditlurbance ; I drew 
 Lady Fidget's dead monkey the other day without 
 any kind of perturbation. 
 
 Lord Mel. But, Mr. Fancy, do you make no dif- 
 tin<5tion between Lady Fidget's dead monkey, 
 and the remains of my friend ? 
 
 Mr. Fancy. As he was your friend, I refpecl: 
 him, but does your Lordfhip really think he is 
 worthy of thole encomiums, that you and Mr. 
 Tombftone, ib profulely beftowed upon him ? 
 
 Lord Mel. My partiality may perhaps caft a 
 little fuffufion over my judgment. But tell me, do 
 
 you
 
 HEIRESS. 23 
 
 you not venerate his memory ? Do you not ad- 
 mire his works ? 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Perhaps as much -as your Lordfhip, 
 'tis impoflible with fo refined an underftanding as 
 yours to receive any entertainment from his writ- 
 ings ; the characters in his plays, for example, may 
 be compared to the incongruities that we meet 
 with on fign-pofts : things that never exifted in 
 nature, fuch as blue boars, black fwans, dragons, 
 and mermaids -I never felt a more pleafing invi- 
 tation to a (lumber, than I did at his la.il comedy, 
 which unfortunately I did not enjoy long, for I 
 was rouled by t a thoufand cat-calls. 
 
 (Mr. PHRENSY ft arts up from the couch.) 
 
 Mr Phrenfy. 'Tis falfe, 'tis fajfe, no cat-call 
 was heard at my comedy, though I am dead, I am 
 not damned- 
 
 Mr. Fancy. (Recovering from his fright) I per- 
 ceive it was a trick. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Trick or no trick, my works 
 will live when the memory of Lady Fidget, her 
 monkey and youri'elf, will be fwept from the face 
 of the earth bale calumniator 
 
 Lord Mel. 1 b-fg I may be the negociator of 
 peace between the living and the dead , in the firft 
 place I can allure Mr. Fancy no indignity was 
 meant to him- Mr. Phrenfy, for particular rea- 
 fons, having given out that he was dead, I thought 
 a portrait of the author, by a celebrated painter, 
 would add luftre to the poflhumous edition of his 
 works. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Then I forgive him. (Runs to 
 
 embrace him. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. But tell me firft, how can I for- 
 give the fcurrilous obfervations you fo liberally 
 beftowed upon my compofitions ? 
 
 Lord
 
 24 THE WEL CH 
 
 Lord Mel Dear Phrenfy, you do not imagine 
 that the painter was in earned fiazter him a 
 little (*Jide tc Fancy. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. I hope I am not fj deftitute of 
 tafte. So far from deeping at your comedy, I dif- 
 turhed the boxes wich my peah of laughter. 
 
 Mr Pbrenfy. Give me your hand. 
 
 Mr. Fan^y. Then the pirts were fo chequered 
 with fentimental and pathetic pafiages. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Excufe me, there was nothing 
 pathetic in my comedy, nor any tiling like fenti- 
 ment. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. I only mean in the -winding up of 
 your comedy, where the butcher's daughter kneels. 
 
 Mr. Pbrer.Jy.~My dear Sir, you are fpeaking 
 of my tragedy. 
 
 L'.rd Mel. Phrenfy, you muft excufe him 
 Fancy's mind has not yet recovered from the 
 confufibn, your fudden burfting from the dead 
 occafioned ! You had better retire and relapfe into 
 Tombftone. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. I will follow your direction--- 
 
 and as you, Mr. Fancy, are acquainted with 
 
 my fecret hiftory let us for the future be friends. 
 
 (Exit Mr. PHRENSY. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Now we are alone I mult de- 
 clare you was rather too hard upon me, in expof- 
 ing me as you did to the indignation of the en- 
 raged poet 
 
 Lord Mel. I only intended a little innocent 
 fport, I did not think he would have rulhed upon 
 us fo rudely, it was his irritability in hearing him- 
 felf abufed, that made him rife from the dead. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Then it was my own doing, for 
 the abufe was all mine: I mull now prepare to 
 draw the living] the ladies I believe, are now wait- 
 ing for me. 
 
 Lord
 
 HEIRESS. 25 
 
 Lcrd Mel. I will follow you 
 
 (Exit Mr. FANCY. 
 
 Enter Mr. FASHION. 
 
 Lord Mil. I wifh, Fafhion, you had been here 
 fometirne ago- we had an excellent fcene be- 
 tween :he painter and rae dead poetthe painter 
 was I'rnoft in an hyireric. 
 
 . Faction* I tiiink thefe two characters will 
 afford us ft; 11 more entertainment. 
 
 L"rd Md. I hope fo for I want fomerhing to 
 draw off my attention, and to prevent me from 
 fixing too fteadyan eye upon this bri.ie of mine, 
 I Ihall be afhamed to introduce her among my 
 acquiintance next winter. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Do not be under any apprehenfion, 
 the inflations of Lady Bellair, Mrs. Tovvnlife, 
 and Lady Angelica Worthlefs, will refine the rude 
 limpHcity of your wild mountain-girl. 
 
 ioraMeL Though I have a high opinion 'of 
 thoie able modern profefTors, I am inclined to 
 think this Welcii girl will ba,ik all their (kill, 
 fhe will never through them, as through filtering 
 ftones, diveft hericif of the heterogeneous matter, 
 the heavy particles, the naulcous lees fhe has im- 
 bibed from her country education, from the man- 
 ners of Sir Pepper, and from the vulgarity of the 
 mother-,in-law---no, no, 'tis iinpolfibie 
 
 Mr. Fajh. I afk your pardon when fhe has 
 been decanted off into poliihed ibcivrty ilie will 
 leave the dregs behind. 
 
 Lord Md. I wiih it may be fo -I muft now 
 look for the painter, who is going to draw the 
 portrait of my bride elecl. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. I will not detain you. 
 
 {Exeunt 
 
 SCENE,
 
 26 THE WELCH 
 
 SCENE The Saloon. LadyPlinlimmon y Mife 
 
 Plinlimmcn. 
 
 Lady Pint. I beg you will put on your beft looks 
 and fit patiently to the painter, that Lord Mel- 
 court may have a good refemblance of you. 
 
 Mife PHn. What does he want rny picture for? 
 will he not fee me morning, noon, and night ? 
 'tis not likely he fhould forget my face: or is it to 
 hang me in effigy, in cafe 1 fhould run away from 
 him ? 
 
 Lady PHn. It is ufual for the bride to prefent 
 her portrait to the bridegroom, fo I beg you will 
 make no difficulty about it. 
 
 'Enter LW MELCOURT and Mr. FANCY. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. I hope I do not intrude upon your 
 Lady (hip ? 
 
 Lady PHn. By no means. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. This is the hour your Ladyfhip ap- 
 pointed, and I confefs I am impatient to commence 
 the flattering talk, but to do juftice to the charms 
 of that young lady, no pencil can have the pre- 
 fumption. 
 
 Mife PHn. The painter, I find, mamma, fays 
 finer things than the lover. 
 
 Lord Mel. It is part of his profeflion to talk the 
 language of bom baft, and inordinate adulation: It 
 becomes my Situation to fhew refpect, a delicate 
 referve, a genuine but not an importunate attach- 
 ment, a calm not a tempeftuous folicitude i in one 
 word, a filent adoration. 
 
 Mife PHn. Silent enough ! egad I believe your 
 adoration has a lock jaw. 
 
 Lady PHn. Fie child ! don't talk fo ridiculoufly; 
 pray Mr. Fancy in what coftume mall my daughter 
 be drawn ? 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Perhaps MifsPlinlimrnon will point 
 out herielf what character me prefers. 
 
 Mife PliK. I hope Mr. Fancy will give my 
 
 face
 
 HEIRESS. 27 
 
 face a good character, for it has done no harm. 
 Mr. Fancy. I afk your pardon, it has done a 
 great deal of harm ; but if my opinion was conful- 
 ted, I mould recommend to Mil's Plinlimmon to 
 be painted in the attitude of reading. 
 
 Mifs P/in. I fhould like to be drawn reading, 
 for I know I have a pretty down-caft look 
 
 Lady Plin. I muft not forget to inform you that 
 all the females of the Plinlimmon's have had a fa- 
 mily mole, a little above the left eye, for thefe two 
 centuries : Now Ifabella's is too complicated with 
 the eye-brow ; perchance you can make fome flight 
 alteration. 
 
 Mr Fancy. By the omnipotence of the pen- 
 cil we can raife the beauty ipot, and place it in 
 view. 
 
 Lord Mel. But is not that departing from rea- 
 lity ? is it not a deceit ? a kind of pencil lie ? 
 
 Mr. Fancy. It is only changing the local refem- 
 blance, it is at the worft a fkilful and elegant inac- 
 curacy ; the beauty-ipot is there, I make no ad- 
 dition -to what nature has already done, I only 
 bring to the eye of admiration, what her Lady- 
 fhip informs me nature has rather removed from 
 the light. 
 
 Lady Plin. I declare Mr. Fancy, you defend 
 yourfelf moft ingenioufly, does he not my Lord ?. 
 
 Lord Mel. Molt fkiltully indeed ! 
 
 Mr. Fancy. I have taken a much greater licence 
 than this, without feeling any reproach of confci- 
 ence ; for example, when I had the honor of draw- 
 ing Lady Frizlerump, I broke the immeafurable 
 length of her bald buff forehead, by introducing 
 two moles and a patch, the patch you know is a 
 thing ad libitum, and as I knew Lady Frizlerump 
 had a mole on each moulder, I removed them 
 from their native fpot, (they were well worth the 
 carriage) and I placed them in a more conipicuous 
 fituation ; there is no great deceit in this, it is only 
 
 a kind
 
 
 28 THE WELSH 
 
 a kind of tranfplanting, which ought to be as al- 
 lowable in painting as in gardenin 4. 
 
 Lord Mel. "Well ladies, you perceive hew ipert- 
 fully Mr. Fancy diicourfes, he has a mind to give 
 you a Specimen of his manner of" entertaining nis 
 company, when they are fitting to him. 
 
 Lady Plin. But I think, betore \ve come to any 
 determination about the dreis, it would be proper 
 to confult the attic talte of Lady Bellair. 
 
 Mr. Fancy. Moll affuredly, you may fhew her 
 thefe miniatures which I have lately tinifhcd. This is 
 the portrait of Mifs Harelip, (gives the miniatures) 
 which attracted the public eye the lail exhibition. 
 This is only a profile of Mils Wocllack, the 
 Judge's daughter. 
 
 Lady Plin. I will not detain you any longer at 
 prefent. 
 
 M. Fancy. I will wait upon your Ladyfhip, 
 whenever you will favour me with your commands. 
 
 (Exit Mr. FANCY. 
 
 Mifs Plin. But why does your Lordlhip wiih Ib 
 much to have my picture, fince 1 am to live with 
 you? do you want me duplicated ? don't you -think 
 one Mils Plinlimmon will be enough for you ? 
 
 Lord Mdcourt. The mutual exchange of pic- 
 tures, is one of the etiquettes of modern marriages. 
 
 Lady Plin. Marriage itfelf may be (aid to be a 
 mutual exchange of attention, IndulaaJHce, and 
 affeftion. %w* 
 
 Mifs Plin. In this mutual exchange, pray my 
 Lord, inform me which of us two will be the 
 gainer? 
 
 Lcrd Mel. If there is any calculation to be 
 made, I am undoubtedly the gainer. 
 
 Mifs Plin. give me leave to calculate my lofTes ; 
 in marrying your Lordmip I lofe my name I 
 lofe the fociety of papa and mamma I fnall per- 
 haps, lofe my fhape and perhaps, in time, lofe my 
 reputation. 
 
 Lady
 
 HEIRESS. 29 
 
 Lady Plin. Peace to that flippant tongue of 
 yours, you are trying his Lordfhip's patience be- 
 fore the time. A I muft carry thefe miniatures to 
 Lady Bellair, your Lordihip will gxcufe my leav- 
 ing you Ifabella'go to your papa-'-- 
 
 (Exeunt Lady PLINLIMMON and 
 Mifs PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Lord Mel. Heaven and earth ! What a family 
 am I going to be connected with ! But I muft not 
 paufe upon that thought, it would almoft lead me 
 to diffraction. 
 
 (Exit Lord MELCOVRT. 
 
 SCENE Lady BELLAIR'S Apartment. 
 Lady BELLAIR Lady PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Lady Bell. Here is a miniature of myfelf, which 
 was drawn when I was married, I think the drefs 
 would fuit Mifs Plinlimmon. 
 
 Lady Plin. (Taking the miniature.'} 'Tis beau- 
 tiful, nor could it be otherwife, while it prefumed 
 to have any refemblance of your Ladymip but 
 you juft now mentioned your marriage, I know 
 that you and Lord Bellair were feparated not 
 long after; interefted as I am in whatever re- 
 lates to your Ladyfhip, do not imagine it is mere 
 curiofity that folicits ibme illuftration upon that 
 point. 
 
 Lady Bell. I am ready to give you every infor- 
 mation, and the more fo, as ill-nature, that mono- 
 tonous and dull commentator, may have conftrued 
 our feparation in her invariable manner. 
 
 Lady Plin. I am all attention. 
 
 Lady Bell. Lord Bellair, fomewhat advanced in 
 
 years, palled, and fatiated with the pleafures of the 
 
 town, began to meditate a retreat ; but before he 
 
 retired into the country, from which he was never 
 
 to
 
 30 THE WELCH 
 
 to return, he ranged through all the gay fcenes 
 of public refort, to find a youthful aflbciate, to 
 accompany him in his retirement. 
 
 Lady Plin. Your myfterious hiftory begins to 
 unfold itfelf; the beauteous flower that flourifhed 
 in the bright funfhine of admiration, grew pale 
 and cheerlefs when it was tranfplanted to the ibli- 
 tary gloom of the country. 
 
 Lady B. I muft confefs your Ladylhip's ex- 
 temporary apologue comprifes my little ftory, and 
 makes my continuation unneceflary. 
 
 Lady Plin: Not at all I beg you will continue 
 your interefting narrative. 
 
 Lady B. Lord Bellair, amidft the innumerable 
 beauties, that at once attracted and bewildered 
 his choice, threw at length his felecting glance 
 upon me. 
 
 Lady Plin. His choice did honor to his tafrc. 
 
 Lady B. It did not however contribute to his 
 happinefs the fingle voice of my reluctance was 
 loft in the chorus of approbation that refounded 
 from all my relations and friends I then fum- 
 moned all the fortitude I was capable of, and took 
 a courageous leave of the town adieu, I cried, to 
 the flattery of men to the pleafing envy of the 
 women adieu to balls adieu to the delight of 
 charioteering in a phaeton through St. James's 
 Street every morning adieu to the eafy inftruc- 
 tions of the town, to the contemplation of man- 
 ners in caracature-ihops, to the reading of 
 Shakefpear upon canvals, and to the ftudy of the 
 Englifh hiftory upon walls the fatal hour arrived 
 the carriage was at the door 
 
 Lady Plin. You really excite my companion ! 
 What enfued when you reached the ancient fa- 
 mily feat ? 
 
 Lady B. Say rather the family vault ! I wrapt 
 myfelf up in my refignation, as in a winding meet, 
 and thought to have buried myielf in a hufband 
 
 the
 
 HEIRESS. 31 
 
 the fates decreed otherwife : I broke forth from 
 the ponderous marble, beneath which I was quiet- 
 ly inurned, and am come again to refide among 
 the living. 
 
 Lady Plin. The world is a confiderable gainer 
 by enjoying you once more. Fortunate was the 
 ftorm that blew fuch a flower upon the lap of fo- 
 ciety. But whence arofe that ftorm ? Did it arife 
 from Lord Bellair's ill-temper? however, I am 
 not curious ; indeed I can partly guefs : the foli- 
 tude of the country, faintly checquered by the vi- 
 fits of the apothecary, and the vicar's wife ; his 
 Lordfliip's fulfome fondnels his odious ap- 
 proaches- 
 
 Lady B. My dear Lady Plinlimmon, you are 
 going on fo rapidly ! It is of no ufe to reckon the 
 flight imperceptible threads of difcontent, which 
 grew at length into a cable. Behold me reftored 
 to independence, fufficiently affluent, and almoft 
 as happy as a widow. 
 
 Lady Plin. May nothing interrupt the happinefs 
 you poffefs, and which you deferve ! Before I had 
 the honour of your acquaintance, I heard your 
 merits highly extolled. 
 
 Lady B. I am exceedingly obliged to thofe per- 
 fons who have fmoothed my path to your Lady- 
 ihip's partiality. But to whom am I indebted ? 
 
 Lady Plin. The perfons I allude to are friends 
 of your Ladyfhip, and are neighbours of our's in 
 Wales ; they were in town laft winter : I mean 
 Mrs. Vandal and her fifter. 
 
 Lady B. Yes ! I recoiled thofe old tapeftry 
 figures. But you muft not imagine there was any 
 intimacy between us ! I endured them at my toilet. 
 They may be reckoned, if you pleale, among my 
 morning friends, but you may be fure I never ac- 
 knowledged the creatures in an evening. 
 
 Lady Plin. That is charming ! I lhali acquire 
 
 under
 
 3 i THE WELCH 
 
 under your aufpices the faihionable difcriminations. 
 The morning anil evening friend is a happy dif- 
 tinction. But I fear I am trefpafling upon your 
 time. (Offering to go. 
 
 Lady B. I will wait upon you immediately. 
 With your permifiion, I will fend to the company 
 to afiemble in your book-room, where we will fix 
 upon the plan of this evening's amufement. 
 
 (Exit Lady PLINLIMMON. 
 
 SCENE. Book-Room. 
 Enter ZW MEL COURT Mr. PHRENSY. 
 
 Lord Mel. We will wait till Lady Plinlimmon 
 comes, as me wifhes extremely to commence a 
 literary acquaintance with you. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. She is comely, faith ! I do not 
 diflike her perfon. 
 
 Lord Mel. She is the Ruben's ftyle. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. I hear her coming. 
 
 Enter Lady PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Lady Plin. I hope, gentlemen, you have not 
 been here long. I feel myfelf peculiarly diftin- 
 guifhed in the defire I underftand you expreffed of 
 forming an acquaintance with me. A man of your 
 talents is not to be met with in every houfe. 
 
 (Mr. PHRENSY bows very low. 
 
 Lord Mel. That bow fays more than a pompous 
 train of words. 
 
 Lady Plin. I am not infenfible to its eloquence ; 
 it flatters me as much as a dedication. Pray, fir, 
 are you engaged in any work at prefent ? 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. I am only fuperintending a new 
 
 edition
 
 H E I R E S S. 33 
 
 edition of the works of a dear friend, whom I have 
 lately loft the immortal Claffical Phrenfy ! 
 
 Lord Mel. While Mr. Tombftone is expatiating 
 on the merits of his departed friend, I will call 
 upon Sir Pepper, and return in a few minutes. 
 
 Lady Plin. Pray do! and bring Sir Pepper, 
 and Ifabella along with you ; the company is to 
 rendezvous here. (Exit ZWMELCOURT.) In- 
 deed, fir, it is very amiable in you to fupprefs the 
 effufions of your own powers, to attend to the in- 
 tereft of another. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. It is not fo much attending to the 
 intereft of my friend, as it is confulting the intereft 
 of the nation, while I am preparing this noble edi- 
 tion of his works for the general delight. 
 
 Lady Plin. But I have been fo unfortunate a* 
 never to hear of Phrenfy's name. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. What! never heard of Claflical 
 Phrenfy, Efq. ? 
 
 Lady Plin. No ! I proteft I never heard his 
 name till you pronounced it. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Let me tell you, Lady Plinlim- 
 mon, if the rays of his genius have not pierced the 
 denfe atmolphere of Wales, that invelopes vour 
 mountains - 
 
 Lady Plin. Mr. Tombftone, you alarm me! 
 I had no idea of degrading your friend. I will pro- 
 mote the fublcription among all my acquaintance, 
 and do every thing in my power to atone for my 
 feeming difrefpect. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. I am calm again : but you will ex- 
 cufe a little warmth in favour of a perfon who is 
 as dear to me as myielf. We were infeparable ; 
 we never differed upon the fmalleft point ; if one 
 fpoke, the other liftened ; if one flept, the other 
 nodded. 
 
 Lady Plin. Ah ! fuch a friendfliip is feldom to 
 be found. I can affure you, fir, the warmth that 
 
 juft
 
 34 THE WELCH 
 
 juft now broke from you has only ferved to exalt 
 me in your efteem j and, as a proof of what I am 
 laying, I beg I may lay the corner- ftone of our 
 acquaintance with this little brilliant. 
 
 (Gives him a ring. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. This generofity fubdues me. 
 
 Lady Plin. Let the ring be as a pafiport to this 
 apartment at all times. And when you are at 
 leifure, I mould wifli to take fome leffons of bo- 
 fany under your direction. Lord Melcourt in- 
 forms me, that every fcience is within the range 
 of your mind. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. I mail be happy in obeying your 
 commands. 
 
 Lady Plin. You think, fir, that botany is a pro- 
 per occupation for a female mind ? 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. Nothing fo proper. Give me 
 leave to cite a couplet, compofed by my lamented 
 friend, applicable to this fubjec"t. It is a happy 
 couplet; he fent it to Lady Nightfhade, who is 
 well verfed in die loves of the plants -, it runs 
 thus: 
 
 Delightful emblem of her fofter power, 
 A woman'* proper ftudy is a flower. 
 
 Lady Plin. Exquifite couplet! What a great 
 man your friend was ! 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. The confidence you place in me ; 
 this little twinkling monitor of your kindnefs; your 
 affability -, every thing prompts, inclines, urges, 
 commands, compels me to undeceive you. 
 
 Lady Plin. To undeceive me ? What can you 
 mean, Mr. Tombftone ? 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. I am not Mr. Tombftone ; it is 
 an aflumed name ; a veil to cover me for certain 
 purpofes. 
 
 Lady Plin. What purpofes ? Who are you ? 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Burfting from my concealment, 
 
 like
 
 HEIRESS. 35 
 
 like j^Eneas from his cloud, know that I am Claf- 
 fical Phrenfy ! 'Tis Phrenfy fpeaks ! 'tis Phrenfy 
 kneels ! 'tis Phrenfy 's lips now touch this hand! 
 
 Lady Plin. I did really imagine you was fomc 
 great perfonage in difguife. But explain the myf- 
 tery of all this. 
 
 Mr. Phrenjy. Envy, and her train have of late 
 carried on fo atrocious a war againft me, that I have 
 been perfuaded to {ham a retreat, and give out that 
 I am dead. 
 
 Lady Plin. ' Excellent idea ! 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. In the mean time, I am collecting 
 fubicriptions, and mail return triumphantly to life, 
 under the cover of a fuperb edition of all my 
 works. 
 
 Lady Plin. I comprehend you perfectly, and am 
 delighted with the confidence you repofe in me. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. The family, Mr. Falhion, the 
 painter, who is my particular friend, are the only 
 peribns in the world who are intruded with this lite- 
 rary fecret. 
 
 Lady Plin. I fhall be as filent as Helicon. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. The Heliconian itream is apt to 
 babble ; it would be more accurate to fay, as filent 
 as Lethe. 
 
 Enter Sir PEPPER, Mifs PLTNLIMMON, Lord MEL- 
 COURT, and Mr. FASHION. 
 
 Lady Plin. This is the gentleman, Sir Pepper, 
 whom Lord Melcourt 1'peaks fo highly of. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. I am Mr. Tombftone's mod obe- 
 dient. My wife is fond of literature ; you will 
 find her verfed in fome of the bed authors. She 
 is fond of converfmg with the dead ; or, to fpeak 
 more properly, with the living dead. 
 
 - Mr.
 
 36 THE WELCH 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. Her Ladyfhip was converting 
 with the living dead when you entered. 
 
 Lady Plin. And I muft add, a favourite author. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Is your Lordlhip determined to fet 
 out for Ireland as foon as the ceremony is over ? 
 
 Lord Mel. The reafon that compels me to leave 
 youfo foon is the bufinefs I have there, which de- 
 mands immediate difpatch. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. I am furprifed Mr. Confcience, the 
 lawyer, is not yet come with the writings. 
 
 Lord Mel. He will certainly be here today. 
 
 Mifs Plin. What matters, whether or no the 
 lawyer comes ? I wiih poor Taffey, we left on the 
 road was arrived, for it is the parfon who fpeaks 
 the prologue to Love's play. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Aptly obferved ! but the nuptial 
 play, Mifs Plinlimmon, is fometimes a tragi-co- 
 medy ! the dialogue frequently uncouth, vehe- 
 ment, and boifterous, What do you think your's 
 will be ? 
 
 Mifs Plin. Oh ! our's will be a gay farce of three 
 ads. 
 
 Enter Lady BELLAIR. 
 
 Lady B. Now we are all afiembled, let the 
 mafter of the ceremonies inftrucl: us what we are 
 to do. 
 
 Lord Mel. The carriages are at the door ; lup- 
 pofe we take an airing through the park, and 
 lounge at the different buildings. 
 
 Lady B. Let me be miftrels of the revels for 
 this evening. W> will imagine the phaetons are 
 triumphal cars, and they mail convey us to the 
 temple of Mars, where Mr. Tombftone mail read 
 to the company his new tranflation of the Battle of 
 the Frogs. 
 
 Lady
 
 HEIRESS. 37 
 
 Lady Plin. Excellent ! I love analogy. 
 
 Lady B. And as your Ladyfhip is fond of ana- 
 logy, we will take fome whipt fyllabub in the pavi- 
 lion of friendfhip, and regale ourfelves with ice- 
 creams in the temple of Hymen. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. A little fevere, I think. 
 
 Lord Mel. lf Where more is meant then meets 
 the ear." (Offering bis band to Mijs PLIN LIMMON. 
 
 (Exeunt. 
 
 END OF THE SECOND ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 38 THE WELCH: 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE The 'Temple of Hymen . The Company eating 
 Ice-Creams. 
 
 Sir PEPPER PLINLIMMON, Mifs PLINLIMMON, 
 Lord MELCOURT, Mr. FASHION and Lady 
 BELLAIR. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. I think, my Lord, this Temple of 
 Hymen, the moft beautiful building in your 
 park ? 
 
 Mr. Fajh. This ice is excellent ! 
 
 M-fs Plin. Cold food for the Temple of Hy- 
 men - 
 
 Mr. Fajh. 'Tis not the only food ! 
 
 Mifs. Plin. You mean bread and cheefe, and 
 kifles. 
 
 Lord Mel. I beg, Lady Bellair, you will check 
 your cicifbeo, Mr. Fafhion, and not let him liber- 
 tinife with my Diana. 
 
 Lady B. What pretence can I have to reflrain 
 him? Faihion is like the air; a chartered libertine, 
 free to play with every flower. 
 < Mifs Plin. Egad he fhan't play with me tho' ! 
 
 Lady B. Tell me, my dear, why did your 
 mamma leave us fo abruptly ?
 
 HEIRESS. 39 
 
 Mifs Plin. Mamma, I fancy has had enough of 
 the Temple of Hymen. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Your Ladyfhip perceives this fpoil- 
 ed child, has the liberty of faying what fhe pleafes. 
 My wife is gone with her ingenious friend, to ftudy 
 bonny. 
 
 Lidy B. .1 fhould be forry to conftrain her 
 Ladyfhip. 
 
 Sir P Plin. Be fo good as to inform me, who 
 fancied thele decorations ? Are they indebted to 
 the hand of any foreign artift ? 
 
 Lord Mel. There is no occafion to appl? to 
 foreign auxiliaries, for the purpofes of elegant 
 art -the native growth of our foil, amply fuppiies 
 the demands of tafte in every department. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. This relievo, is happily executed ! 
 come here, Ifabclla, you underftand mythology. 
 Here is hymen, attended by a group of cupids ? 
 Do you conceive the allegoric meaning of the 
 artift ? 
 
 Mifs Plin. Perfectly ! Here is Hymen, with a 
 torch in his hand, that is, I fuppofe to light the 
 bride and bridegroom home. And the dear little 
 cupids I fuppofe, foretell the children. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Ridiculous ! You pervert every 
 thing by your diftorted applications ! But explain 
 the remainder you fee night pcrforjatfd follow- 
 ing Hymen, me throws o'er her frame a mantle 
 ftudded with liars, and among the liars, appears a 
 ere fee nt - 
 
 Mifs Pirn. The mantle ftudded with ftars, de- 
 fignaccs the h >!y ftilincfs and unruffled union of 
 the marriage (late. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Very well indeed. 
 . Mifs Plin. And the crelcent denotes the honey- 
 moon-^- 
 
 Sir P. Plin. There you relapfe into your abfur- 
 dity 
 
 Mr,
 
 40 THE WELCH 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Mifs Plinlimmon will perhaps do 
 me the honor to explain this compartment- 
 here is Hymen, binding a fhepherd and a fhep- 
 herdefs with a chain of flowers. 
 
 Mifs Plin. It is your turn now, you mall explain 
 this 
 
 Mr. Fafh. Upon my word, I think this a moft 
 excellent allegory, and illuftrates well the fhort 
 triumph of matrimony the chain of rofes is 
 cafily broken, and the roles foon fade. 
 
 Lord Mel. Fafhion fpeaks the language of an 
 inveterate batchelor, yec every tiling in nature 
 condemns his farcafm : the birds, that make this 
 grove re-echo with their harmony, what are all 
 their fongs, but fo many hymns in honor of the 
 married ftate. 
 
 Mr. Fafhi I aflt your pardon, Lord Melcourt, 
 The economy of your grove, will not afilft your 
 argument, in defence of Hymen, for every fea- 
 thered couple who were fo happy the laft ipring 
 are now divorced, ajid all the harmony and love, 
 which now reign in your woods is the refult of 
 feparation and of new engagements. 
 
 Lord Mel. Truce to your licentious infmuations, 
 to purify the temple that has been fo profaned, 
 I entreat Mifs Plinlimmon to favor us with 
 the fong in honor of Hymen, with which me 
 enchanted the company laft night 
 
 Mifs Plin. I am ready to comply with your re-> 
 queft. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. With your Ladyfhip's permifilon, 
 I will go and look for the botanifts. 
 
 Lady B. He is pofmvely jealous (afide.} Indeed 
 Sjr Pepper, you muft not go, till you have heard 
 the fong. 
 
 Sir /*. Plin. I am all obedience.
 
 HEIRESS. 41 
 
 The SONG, by Mifs PLINLIMMON, 
 
 I. 
 
 Oh young affection's glowing train 
 By mutual fond endearment won! 
 At Hymen's altar claim the chain 
 That twines two willing hearts in one ! 
 
 II. 
 
 Have ye not feen in Flora's bower, 
 Two rofes on one item refpire ? 
 So form'd by paffion's blending power,, 
 Two hearts are thron'd on one defire. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. I prefume, I have now your Lady- 
 fhip's leave to wait upon the botanifts. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Sir Pepper, you will only interrupt 
 the icholar, in the ftudy of nature the eminent 
 profeffbr, under whom Lady Plinlimmon is now 
 acquiring a new fcience, would wifh not to be 
 deranged. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Very likely neverthclefs, I mall 
 make them a vifit. 
 
 Lady B. We will accompany you to the houfe. 
 
 (Exeunt omnei 
 
 SCENE
 
 THE WELCH 
 
 SCENE Bock-Room. 
 
 Lady PLINLIMMON and Mr. PHRENSY, at a table 
 covered with plants and flowers. 
 
 Lidy Plin. What a wonderful fyftem have you 
 brought me acquainted with ? I never could have 
 conceived there were f ch aftonifhing things in 
 nature, a.^ male and fi-rra e flowers-- 
 Mr. Pbrwfy. I have moft afluredly, let your 
 Ladyfhip a little into Flora's fecrets. 
 
 L^dy Plin. Male and female flowers ! I am pe- 
 trified ! But tell me, learned profeffor, when the 
 flowers are at a diftance from one another, how 
 they communicate their mutual pafllon ? 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy.T\\ert nature intcrpofes her happiefl 
 ftratagem ! She calls her weflern gales, her amo- 
 rous zephyrs, and they on their fragrant wings 
 convey the lovers to each other. 
 
 Lady Plin. Now, Sir, as you have led me, as it 
 were, behind the curtain into Flora's green-room, 
 I confefs, I am not much edified at the morals of 
 the plants ? Indeed the flowers appear to be 
 an abandoned profligate race here is a honey 
 fuckle, which you fay contains five males, and 
 only one female this modeft fnow-drop, you tell 
 me, has fix hufbands 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. Indeed, nature has been rather 
 partial to your Jex in her economy of plants. 
 
 Lady Plin. Poor things ! What a pity it is they 
 are not endowed wiui fenfibility! 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. I have obierved, fmce the ladies 
 of faihion have applied to the ftudy of botany, 
 they are not only ambitious of rivaling the flowers 
 in beauty, but they have alfo endeavoured in fome 
 degree to rival them in their other prerogatives. 
 
 Lady Plin. Take care, Mr. Phrenlyj you are 
 
 growing
 
 HEIRESS. 43 
 
 growing cenforious. (Enter Sir PEPPER 
 LIMMON.) You cannot imagine, Sir Pepper, 
 how delighted I am with the beautiful and fublime 
 fcience of botany ! 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Indeed! 
 
 Lady Plin. This learned gentleman has raifed, 
 as it were, the veil of nature, and das revealed to me 
 fome of her fecrets ; and I mutt own, fecrets that 
 excite my aftonilhment. According to the illuf- 
 trations of this learned profeflbr, the chalice of 
 every flower is a kind of a houfe of bad fame. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. (ironically) Then a lady of your 
 unfpotted virtue ought to mrink, as the ienfitive- 
 plant, from a ftudy that prefents to you nothing but 
 icenes of immorality. 
 
 Lady Plin. There can be no harm in gratifying 
 a literary curiofity. But I afTure you, Sir Pepper, 
 I ihall be apt to think it is not extremely decent to 
 wear a nofegay ! 
 
 Sir P. Plin. If you would read the delightful 
 poem of the Loves of the Plants, you need not 
 give this gentleman any further trouble. At pre- 
 lent I mutt take the liberty of defiringhim to leave 
 us alone, as I have lomething to communicate to 
 you in private. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. I obey your commands. In our 
 next lecture we will expatiate on the dews that re- 
 frefh the flowers at night. 
 
 (Exit Mr. PHRENSY. 
 
 Lady Plin. Well, Sir Pepper, what have you to 
 communicate ?, Nothing I prefume very entertain- 
 ing? 
 
 Sir P. Plin. You now receive a pofitive order, 
 not to admit that literary fop any more into your 
 ftudy: 
 
 Lady Plin. What, Sir Pepper! When -the ray 
 of knowlege begins to dawn, muft it expire -at 
 your uncreating word ? 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Your Ladymip's metaphorical ex- 
 
 preifions
 
 44 THE WE LCH 
 
 preflions have no effect upon me, and give me leave 
 to obferve, that I have always found you refrac- 
 tory and uncomplying with any requefls. 
 
 Lady Plin. How can you be fo unjuft ? Where 
 is the wife throughout Wales that is more com- 
 placent ? Did I ever refufe to comply with a re- 
 queft of yours, from January to January ? Indeed, 
 Sir Pepper, I might complain of the. very few in- 
 dulgences you ever granted me - 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Dare you complain of my want of 
 indulgence, when there is not a whim, that I have 
 not always been ready to indulge you in ! When 
 the gardening parfon from England came to us 
 laft year, did I not fubmit to have the front of my 
 old foreft, cicatrifed into clumbs like large pies ? 
 Did he not fling a confining belt, as he called it, 
 round my place ! As if he thought the hills, vales 
 and woods were going to run away ! Did I not lee 
 him, to pleale you, zig zag the avenue in iuch 
 a manner, that I could hardly find the way to my 
 own houfe ? 
 
 Lady Plin. You muft allow that Plinlimmon 
 Caftle, wanted a touch of the modern bard. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Then I was obliged to endure his 
 perpetual panegyric upon himielf ! How he was 
 admitted to all the great tables in town ? How he 
 chofe a picture for this Lord and a fan for that 
 Lady 
 
 Lady Plin. However, his vifit was not long, 
 he Hayed with us but a little month. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. If it had not been for the death of 
 the french cook, he would have been at Plin- 
 limmon Cattle at this moment. 
 
 Lady Plin. Do you choofe to put my patience 
 to any further trial ? 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Recall,, if you pleafe, the phyfician 
 from the north, who came a pradife-hunting 
 into wales, did he not come twice a day to the 
 
 cattle
 
 HE IRE S S. ^ 45 
 
 Cattle to brace your nerves; was not this another 
 indulgence ? There you patted day after day lan- 
 cxuifhingon a fopha! Then the room for footh 
 was darkened. As you could endure only a kind 
 of twilight, which you called a jourdoux, then I 
 was never to be admitted, becaufe I ipoke fo 
 
 loud. , -n_ 
 
 Lady B The doftor faid you was too boiite 
 ous, Sir Pepper, for the chamber of a valetudina- 
 rian, notwhhftanding your incredulity concerning 
 the bad ftate of my nerves, at that time, I can allure 
 you, that it was to the fopha, and to the doctor, that 
 
 Sir P. PUn. More than you will choofe to allow. 
 
 Lady' PUn. Don't be fcurrilous, Sir Pepper. 
 
 Sir P PUn. Then there was the fencible colo- 
 nel but I have done. Let me only entreat you 
 not to complain any more of my not granting you 
 any indulgences! Zounds, madam, the Pope at 
 Rome could not have granted you more indO 
 crences than I have. But no more, I" have only to 
 be^ of you toftayhere till I return with fome 
 papers for you to fign, and which Lord Melcourt 
 and Mr. Fafhion are to witneis. 
 
 (Exit Sir PEPPER PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Lady PUn. Never was a perlbn of delicace feel- 
 ings fo thrown away as I was when I coniented to 
 bethe wife of Sir Pepper. 
 
 Enter Mr. PHRENSY. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. I watched Sir Pepper out, I 
 heard him go along the gallery muttering, as if he 
 was much diipleafed, I am afraid he has been 
 endeavouring to ruffle your angelic temper. 
 
 Lady PUn. He has abfolutely impoied his com- 
 mands upon me not to receive your vifits. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. I rejoice to hear it. 
 
 Lady PUn. What do you mean Mr. Phrenfy ? 
 c Mr.
 
 46 THE WELCti 
 
 Mr. Phrenjy. Prohibition, like a glafs of bitters, 
 Simulates the appetite and awakens our partiali- 
 ties : I dare fay, I now appear more amiable to 
 your Ladymip than I did before. 
 
 Lady Plin. I confefs, at leaft, your prefumption 
 does not offend me ; but I am forry to inform you 
 that you muft not ftay with me at prefent; Sir 
 Pepper is returning immediately, and Lord Mel- 
 court and Mr. Fafhion are coming with him. 
 
 Mr. Phrevfy. They cannot be here fo foon 
 Mr Fafhion was juit now in earned converfation 
 with Lady Bellair in the long cathedral arbor, 
 and Lord Melcourt -was 
 
 Lady Plin. You are miftaken for I hear them 
 coming! What can be done! It is too late to 
 cfcape you muft not take refuge in the bed- 
 chamber, my blabbing maid is there conceal 
 yourfelf behind this curtain. 
 
 (Lets down the curtain that hangs 
 over the bockjhehes. 
 
 Mr. Phrenjy. (Peeping frcm lebind the curtain.'} 
 \ cannot at leaft want entertainment where there 
 are fo many books. 
 
 Lady Plin. How can you be jocular now? You 
 fee the agitation I am in 
 
 Enter Sir PEPPER PLINLIMMON, Z,CH/MELCOURT 
 and Mr. FASHION. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Thefe gentlemen will have the 
 goodnefs to be witneffes to your figning this 
 paper. 
 
 Lord Mel. How does your Ladymip proceed 
 in the ftudy of botany. 
 
 Lady Plin. At the defire of Sir Pepper, I have 
 laid aiide the thoughts of botany, for the prefent. 
 
 Lcrd
 
 HEIRESS. 
 
 4? 
 
 Lord Mel. It is a pity your Ladyfhip mould 
 not avail yourfelf of the advantage of being under 
 the fame roof with Ib eminent a profeflbr. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. A perfon of your Ladyfhip's abili- 
 ties would have made a rapid progrefs under fo 
 fkilful a director: he has a way of bringing his 
 fcholars forward in a very Ihort time. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. He has the way of bringing him- 
 felf forward in a very ihort time. Be fo good as 
 to fign your name. (Offering the paper.) You 
 keep thefe Gentlemen waiting. 
 
 Mr. Fujh. I am lure we have nothing better to 
 do than converfe with this learned Lady. 
 
 Lady Plin. You are very obliging ; but I will 
 not any longer intrude on your time. 
 
 (She writes her name -Then Lord ME L- 
 COURT and Mr. FASHION.//^. . 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Pray, Lord Melcourt, have you a 
 Virgil on thofc fhelves behind the curtain ? 
 Tombftone and I had a difpute about a pafTage in 
 the fourth book. 
 
 Lord Mel. No ! That is a mere lady's library, 
 nothing but moderns I ran up a few fhelves, 
 and furniflied them with fome e very-day volumes 
 for the convenience of any lady who might oc- 
 cupy thefe apartments. 
 
 Lady Plin. Mr. Fafnion, there may be a Vir- 
 gil behind the curtain ; but not the Virgil you 
 mean. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. You allude to the tranflation; no, 
 that wiM not do ; I want to confult the original. 
 
 Lady Plin. Then you mufl have recourfe to the 
 library below. 
 
 Lord Mel. But why does your Ladyfliip drop 
 that curtain over the books ? 
 
 Lady Plin. I found it hanging, and I make it a 
 rule to leave things exactly as I find them. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. The curtain, my dear, I think was 
 wp juft now, when I was with you.
 
 4 8 THE WELCH 
 
 Lady PHn. Was it, my dear? I do not recol- 
 lect very true, it was : The fun played To pow- 
 erfully upon the books, I was afraid it would tar- 
 rrifh the beautiful bindings, fo I dropt the cur- 
 tain- 
 Mr. Fajh. I love beautiful bindings, and typo- 
 graphical luxury. Pray let me be favoured with 
 the fight of the books. 
 
 Lady PHn. Not worth your infpection a mere 
 female library, and authors for women. 
 
 Lord Mel. Allow me to indulge Fafhion's cu- 
 riofity. As for the fun's fpoiling the books, it 
 matters not, when the bindings are the worfe for 
 .wear, the books may have new bindings ; a well- 
 bound book is not like a lady's reputation, which 
 once foiled, can never (Draws up the cur- 
 tain difc overs Mr. PHRENSY) There was, in- 
 deed, a Virgil behind the curtain ! 
 
 Mr. Fajh. An author for a lady ! 
 
 Lor-d Mel. But not fo well bound as Fafhion 
 expected. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Gentlemen, you may laugh if you 
 pleafe, but we enterprifing fellows are now and 
 then expofed to thefe untoward difcoveries. They 
 are inevitable incidents in the comedy of life. This 
 is an incident 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Arrogant pedant ! If this was not 
 Lord Melcourt's houfe, my cane would chaflile 
 your 1 infblence. 
 
 Lady Plin. I afiiire my dear, this gentleman had 
 received my commands not to enter thefe apart- 
 ments any more ; at that infcant I heard you re- 
 turning. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. And to fave you from an object 
 fo difagreeable as myfelf, I fecreted myfelf behind 
 that curtain. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Daring wretch ! what is it you 
 mean ? Do you prefume to make the perfonal at- 
 tractions
 
 H E I R E S S. 49 
 
 fractions of that lady the object of your 'bold pre- 
 tenfions ? 
 
 Lady Pl'm. Well, Sir Pepper, fmce we are 
 among friends, I give you my word, that if ever I 
 could be perfuaded to deviate from the path of de- 
 corum, and make a little faux pas, it ihould not 
 be with a literary perfon. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Your Ladyfhip is perfectly right. 
 The literary heroes are not renowned in the an- 
 nals of gallantry ; a bookworm is a poor harmlefs 
 creature, without a fting, 
 
 Sir P. Pl'm. What you fay, Mr. Fafhion, is fen- 
 fible and judicious. I have heard it obferved, that 
 a lieutenant of the guards is more formidable to a 
 married man, than the whole body of the anti- 
 quarian fociety. Mr. Tombftone will excuie the 
 warmth I was juft now furprifed into. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. Pray do not mention it. YOUF 
 prohibition with regard to my coming to this apart- 
 ment (hall be ftrictly obeyed, and I ihall for the 
 future look for the honour of your Ladyfhip's fb- 
 ciety only in the drawing-room, which you know 
 is a neutral apartment, and accelfible to every part 
 of the family. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Gentlemen, your obedient. I muft 
 return with thefe papers. (Exit. 
 
 Lord Mel. Well, this fcene has ended much bet- 
 ter than I expected. The ftorm woi^id have fallen 
 heavy upon Tombftone, had it not been for your 
 Ladyfhip's happy iarcaim upon the gallantry of the 
 learned. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Your Lordfhip need not call me 
 Tombftone ; her Ladyfhip knows my ftory ; there 
 is nothing reflecting myielf that is a iecret to her 
 Ladyfhip. 
 
 Lord Mel. I am glad to hear it. But I muft 
 beg leave to abfent myielf -, I hope your Ladylhip 
 will excufe me. 
 
 Lady
 
 59 THE WELCH 
 
 Lady Plin. But why will your Lordftiip deprive 
 us of your company ? 
 
 Lord Mel. Confider, Madam, I am at the eve 
 of being married my mind is fo full I have fo 
 many things to think of. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. What can your Lordfhip have to 
 think of? every thing flows fo fmoothly to your 
 wifhes you have no more occafion to think than 
 a tranflator. 
 
 Mr. Fajb. No more he has : and I could un- 
 dertake to prove that his Lordfhip is a kind of a 
 tranflator himfelf, and even a tranflator into va- 
 rious languages. 
 
 Lord Mel. How do you make that out ? 
 
 Mr. Fajh. I have feen you fometimes in liquor, 
 and then you tranflate yourfelf into a beaft. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. Very good ! 
 
 Mr. Fajh. You will loon be married, and then 
 you will tranflate yourfelf into another kind of ani- 
 mal. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. You miftake, that will not be his 
 own doing. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Very true 1 fome intimate friend 
 will do that tranflation for him. 
 
 Lord Mel. Will not your Ladyfhip take my 
 part againft thefe profane batchelors ? 
 
 Lady Plin. The arrows thefe gentlemen flioot 
 are not dipt in gall. 
 
 Lord Mel. Nor are their points very keen. But 
 I mufl be going. 
 
 Lady Plin. As the party is breaking up, fup- 
 pofe, Mr. Phrenfy, you attend me to the neutral 
 apartment, as you ingenioufly term it. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. I am at your command. 
 
 (Offers bis hand. Exit ivitb 
 Lady PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Lord Mel. There go two, the mod ridiculous 
 perfonages ! 
 
 Mr. Fajh. And the beft fuited to one another. 
 
 Lord
 
 HEIRESS. 
 
 Lord Mel. I wifh my future bride and I were 
 half as well adapted to one another. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. What ! Melcourt, do you feel faint- 
 hearted ? 
 
 Lord Mel. Faith ! I do. The whimficality of 
 the different perlbns under this roof, has occafion- 
 ed fome laughing, which has ferved to divert 
 my attention from the main objecl. But when my 
 thoughts'reft upon my approaching nuptials, my 
 mind fhrinksfrom its purpofe. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Oh ! this is nothing but a vapour 
 fit, a qualm before matrimony ; it will pafs away. 
 
 Lord Mel. Never, never. 
 
 Mr. Fafh. She is handfome very rich. 
 
 Lord Mel. Did Ihe poflefs all the barbaric gold 
 of the city, it would not atone for her deficiencies 
 in other refpecls. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. What do you call deficiencies ? The 
 little rufticities of her homebred education will 
 difappear in time; (he will catch the tone of the 
 ftage me is entering upon ; the continual action of 
 furrounding example in higher life will wear away 
 her peculiarities, and me will inienfibly glide into 
 the general mafs. 
 
 Lord Mel. You are calm and philofophic ; but 
 I cannot be cooled and philofophifed into the ap- 
 proval of what I am ienfible is not ftriftly honour- 
 able ; which is leading, and as it were betraying a 
 young woman to the altar, for whom 1 entertain no 
 pailion, no preference, no efteem. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Your good nature will prompt you 
 to treat her with civility; her fimplicity will ex- 
 plain your politenefs into love ; and the torrent of 
 amufements in town will prevent her pryin- into 
 your private pleafure-ground. 
 
 Lord Md. Fafhion, you talk it well ; but I do 
 proteft, if I could be prevailed upon to marry this 
 young woman, difliking her as I do, I fnould feel
 
 5 THE WELSH 
 
 an internal degradation, that would poifon all my 
 days. 
 
 Mr, Fajh. What can be done ? it is too late to 
 recede; the Welch Family will be in an uproar. 
 
 Lord Mel. I have a Jcheme a lucky thought 
 occurred this morning. I think I have hit upon 
 a method of efcaping from the chains I have been 
 forging for myfelf ; and in preparing the girl for 
 the event, I lliall contrive to foften her difappoint- 
 ment by a kind of innocent impofition, which will 
 make her believe that the breaking off the intended 
 marriage is her own act. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. This is at once generous and hu- 
 mane ; to ward off the point that would wound 
 her pardonable vanity in the expectation of being 
 Lady Melcourt. But what is your plan ? 
 
 Lord Mel. That I will communicate to you in a 
 more private place j and if my ftratagem mould 
 not fucceed, I muft then have recourle to your fu- 
 perior invention. (Exeunt. 
 
 END OF THE 'THIRD ACT 
 
 ACT
 
 HEIRESS. 53 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 Mifs Plin. (Reading aloud) "O\\\ happy ftate, 
 when fouls each other draw" (Enter Lord MEL- 
 fcouRT.) Your calling upon me, when I am alone, 
 is very kind; I am now convinced, your Lord- 
 fhip has a great regard for me. 
 
 Lord Mel. May I take the liberty of afkirtg, 
 what book has the honor of engaging your atten- 
 tion ? 
 
 Mifs Plin. I have been drefling my expectation 
 with love verfes. (Reads) 
 
 " For thee the fpoufe, prepares the bridal ring, 
 <c For thee white virgins hymeneals fmg!"~- 
 
 But what makes you look fo grave, when you are 
 fo near being a bridegroom ? A little bird fung in 
 my ear, that to-morrow, is to be the happy day, 
 and I fuppofe your Lordmip, is come to inform 
 me of the happy tidings. 
 
 Lord Mel. No indeed ! I did not come for that 
 purpoie, I came with another view. 
 
 Mifs Plin. I hope it will not rain to-morrow, 
 there mutt not be a fpeck of a cloud, in the flues, 
 on our wedding day. 
 
 Lord Mel I muft beg your ferious attention, to 
 H what
 
 54 THE WELCH 
 
 what I have to fay to you (Takes a chair; offers 
 her one; they fit}- If I feem a little embarraffed, 
 you will have the goodnefs to excufe me ? I think 
 it my duty, to inform you, that when I was laft 
 abroad, I had the misfortune of being introduced 
 to a young Nun who gained my affections, and 
 though that accomplifhed woman is no more 
 
 Mifs Plin. If me is no more, I have nothing to 
 apprehend, for with all her want of accomplifli- 
 ments, Ifabella Plinlimmon, muft be fuperior to a 
 dead Nun. 
 
 Lord MeL 'Tis not only that 
 
 Mifs Plin. Your Lordmip did not fall in love 
 with the whole convent? 
 
 Lord MeL No, no, when I loft my Conflantia, 
 my warm affections, flew to her tomb. 
 
 Mifs Plin. And when your warm affections have 
 caught cold at her tomb, they will fly back again. 
 
 Lord MeL Never, never, with her they have 
 taken up their everlafting refidence. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Well let them ; you and I will make 
 new affections. 
 
 Lord Mel. {Afide?) Nothing will do, me is de- 
 termined to have me. 
 
 Mifs Plin. What does your Lordmip fay ? 
 
 Lord Mel. I am afraid, Mils Plinlimmon, there 
 are other objectionable circumftances relative to 
 myfelf ; with all the appearance of affability and 
 condefcenfion, I can affure you, that I am moft 
 vehemently paflionate. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Matrimony will cure that vice ! I 
 have heard my mamma fay, that marriage is a 
 great tamer. 
 
 Lord MeL I have alfo the misfortune of walk- 
 ing in my fleep, and I get out of the window, and 
 walk upon the roof of the houfe. 
 
 Mifs Plin. As long as you. do not infift upon 
 my walking with you, I do not call that an objec- 
 tionable circumftance : and when you are tired of 
 
 initialing
 
 HEIRESS. 55 
 
 imhaling the night breezes from the top of the 
 houfe, you will find me overjoyed to receive you 
 at your return. 
 
 Lord Mel. (Rifmgfrom his chair.") I fee, Mils 
 Plinlirr.moi, you make a jeft of what my delicate 
 feelings pr -mpt me to reveal to you. 
 
 Mifs P. in. (Rifmg.} Quite the reverfe ; your 
 candour endears you the more to me ; and to re- 
 turn you an equivalent of candour and unreferye, on 
 my part, I will unfold to your Lordlhip a fecret, 
 though I am unwilling to difclofe it. 
 
 Lord Mel. Well, what have you to communi- 
 cate ? 
 
 Mijs Plin. 'Tis what you would have found 
 out, ir I did not reveal it : but in this charming 
 moment of mutual confidence, I cannot refill tell- 
 ing my love, that I have crooked legs ; 
 
 Lord Mel. Crooked legs ! The devil. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Do not let fuch a trifle difcompofe 
 you : my aunt, Lady Waddle, is made juft the fame 
 as I am, and me has eleven children. 
 
 Lord Mel. Ifyoupleafe, Mifs Plinlimmon, we 
 will put an end to this difcourfe. 
 
 Mifs Plin. If you defire it. We mall have time 
 enough to talk, when we are man and wife : adieu, 
 I am going to Lady Bellair, and will tell her all 
 that has paflfed, in this delightful, confidential in- 
 tercourfe. 
 
 Lord Mel. I muft infift upon your not revealing 
 one word, to Lady Bellair, of what I have been 
 faying to you. 
 
 Mifs Plin. As you pleafe; your Lordfnip will 
 find me through life ftridtly obfervant of your 
 commands. (Exit Mifs PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Lord Mel. Were my debts and difficulties, treble 
 to what they are, I wcmd not extricate myfelf on 
 the condition of marrying that thing ! That vile 
 anrithefis ! Half a wit, and half an ideot. (Enter 
 Mr. FASHION.) Oh! Faihion, you never came 
 
 fa
 
 5 6 THE WELCH 
 
 fo opportunely, I am at a lofs how to aft; my 
 fcheme has entirely failed - 
 
 Mr. Fafo. Then I muft be your pilot to fleer 
 you through this intricate perplexity. 
 
 Lord Mel* Her ideot fondnefs, increafes with 
 what mould have excited her difguft. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Leave me to conftruft the means of 
 withdrawing from you this girl's partiality, I pre- 
 fume, I am empowered to fay whatever I pleafe. 
 
 Lord Mel. You may indulge the utmoft lati- 
 tude ; paint me in whatever colours you choofe; 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Well, I will endeavour to do my 
 beft for you ; I have a good knack, you know, at 
 a caricature. 
 
 Lord Mel. But do not make me too ridiculous. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Remember, you juft now gave me 
 unlimited powers. 
 
 Lord Mel. Very true ; I refign myfelf to your 
 judgment; let me appear abfurd, fickle, prepofter- 
 ous, any thing, to get rid of this matrimonial en- 
 gagement. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Suppofe while I am unwinding her 
 affections and defines from you, I fhould endea- 
 vour to bottom, and twift them round myfelf? 
 
 Lord Mel. What! you marry her? Are you in 
 earneft ? Will you quit your free roving pleaiure- 
 boat, for the monotonous hulk of matrimony ? 
 
 Mr. Fa/b. Her guineas will decorate and enliven 
 the hulk. 
 
 Lord Mel. Well, if you can make a profelyte 
 of the girl, you have my full permiflion, and beft 
 wifhes ; here is my Jicenfe, which with a change 
 of a name will ferve your purpofe, and you may 
 get married immediately, without acquainting any 
 of the family of it. 
 
 Mr. Fajb. I will go, and inform Lady Bellair, 
 of your resolution, and of my project. 
 
 Lord Mel. I mould be delighted, if the girl was 
 to take a fancy to you- 
 Mr. Fajh. We ihall fee, (Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE
 
 HEIRESS. 57 
 
 SCENE -Lady BELL AIR'S Apartment. 
 Lady BELLAIR Mifs PLINLJMMON. 
 
 Lady B. What you choofe to fay in private, is 
 of no confequence ; but before company, I muft 
 infift upon your never mentioning my hulband. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Then tell me, as we are alone ; I long 
 to hear what occafioned the reparation between 
 Lord Bellair and you. 
 
 Lady B. Reftrain this idle curiofity , it does not 
 become--- 
 
 Afyfi Plin. Did your hufband walk in his deep ? 
 Was he in love with a dead nun ? 
 
 Lady B. How wildly you talk ! 
 
 Mifs Plin. Not fo wildly neither ; I know what 
 I know j but I will not tell. 
 
 Enter Sir PEPPER PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. I take the liberty of calling upon 
 your Ladyfhip to exprels my uneafinefs that the 
 lawyer from town is not yet arrived, the poil is 
 come in, and I have no information about him. 
 
 Lady B. Delay is the chara<5teriftic of his order ! 
 When that Gray's Inn flug has crawled over, and 
 covered with his black flime an acre of parchment, 
 we mail fee him here. 
 
 Mifs Plin. But Mr. Taffey, who is to perform 
 the ceremony, is as neceflary as the lawyer. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. As for Mr. Taffey, I have a letter 
 from him ; he will be here this evening. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Then all is well ! (Rejoicing extra- 
 vagantly. Enter Lord MELCOURT) My Lord! 
 
 my
 
 58 THE WELCH 
 
 my Lord ! Taffey will be here this evening, and 
 to-morrow I mall be the fondeft of wives ! 
 
 Lord Mel. Flattering as your expectancy may 
 be to me, I wifh you would reftrain this inordi- 
 nate exultation. 
 
 Mifs. Plin. Well, papa, I will go and pack up 
 my fine cloaths, for I fuppofe we mail let out for 
 Ireland immediately after the ceremony. I re- 
 joice to think that Taffey will be here this evening ! 
 
 (Exit. 
 
 Lord Mel. (dfide to ZWyBtLLAiR) Was there 
 ever fuch a Hottentot ? 
 
 Sir P. Plin. You don't appear, Lord Mel- 
 court, to be ftruck with the artlefs manner of my 
 girl. 
 
 Lord Mel. I afk your pardon, I am exceedingly 
 ftruck ! 
 
 Sir P. Plin. She has a few rufticities adhering to 
 her, all which will drop from her, like drofs from 
 gold. 
 
 Lord Mel. In the crucible of Lady Bellair's re- 
 fining converfation. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Very true. I am certain Lady 
 Bellair would perform miracles on my daughter- 
 if me pleafed. 
 
 Lady B. But why, Sir Pepper, do you doubt 
 my inclination ? 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Becaufe you, fine ladies, diflike trou- 
 ble. I will be bold to fay, that in the courfe of 
 the winter, you never do any thing your inclina- 
 tion, that is to lay, your vanity does not prompt 
 you to do. 
 
 Lady B. I afk your pardon, Sir Pepper. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Indulge for once an old man's cu- 
 riofity, and edify me by recording fbme inftances 
 where you act in oppofition to the dictates of 
 your inclination. 
 
 Lord Mel. This is a perfect challenge. 
 
 Lady B. Well, let me recoiled. I go every 
 other Sunday, in the early part of the evening to 
 
 an
 
 HEIRESS. 59 
 
 an old aunt, who lives at the Antipodes of the fafli- 
 ionable part of the town, and there I retail to her 
 the hifloric fcandal of the fortnight ; and then (he 
 reads to me through her green fpectacles, out of a 
 folio, a fermon of the laft century. 
 
 Lord Mel. I hope, Sir Pepper, you will give 
 Lady Bellair fome credit for that. 
 
 Lady B. Then I go once in the winter to the 
 Ancient Mufic. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. That, I fuppofe, is a concert per- 
 formed by the decayed muficians. 
 
 Lady B. Not exactly fo ; it is, however, a very 
 edifying concert, and compofed of thofe hoary, 
 venerable notes, that in days of yore delighted 
 the ears of Harry the eighth and Anne Bullen, and 
 is now a very fuitable recreation for old batchelors, 
 old maids, and emigrant nuns ! But to continue 
 the narrative of my mortified inclination : my 
 carriage every morning makes one of the long 
 proceHion of coaches that befiege the circulating 
 library in Bond Street. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. That denotes your Ladylhip's 
 fondnefs for literature. 
 
 Lady B. I beg your pardon, Sir Pepper, litera- 
 ture is my averfion; I never look into a book, 
 but I cannot avoid calling every morning at the 
 library; it is a kind of literary tavern, where, the 
 .waiters are in perpetual demand. A dim of ele- 
 gant formets for Mifs Simper; fatires with a poig- 
 nant iauce for Mrs. Grumble ; a firloin of hiftory 
 for Lady Sleeplefs; a broil'd devil of private anec- 
 dote, highly peppered with fcandal, for Lady An- 
 gelica Worthlefs. It would amufe you, Sir Pep- 
 per, to fee theie female academics enter the porch 
 of Hook ham College, their cheeks, paled by ftu- 
 dy, a little relieved by a thin ftratum of morning 
 rouge. Then you would wonder at the method 
 the learned profeflbrs adopt of fupplying the im- 
 patience of their pupils : for example one lady 
 
 receives
 
 60 THE WELCH 
 
 receives the firft volume of an author, of which 
 fhe will never enquire for the fecond j at the lame 
 time Ihe receives the fecond volume of another 
 author, of which fhe has not yet an idea of the 
 firft. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Give me leave to obferve, this 
 vague method of reading rnufl create a kind of 
 chaos, without confiftency. 
 
 Lady B. Confiftency is a vulgar word, we do not 
 admit into our vocabulary j and as for the chaos you 
 dif approve of, I really think there is to be found the 
 whole merit ; for this mifcellaneous, variegated, 
 unconnected reading, forms the beautiful dove- 
 tailed, mofaic literature of the female mind. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. I hope you will allow Lady Plin- 
 limmon to be a brilliant exception to your general 
 defcription. 
 
 Lady B. Moft undoubtedly ; I have a long lift 
 of exceptions. But not to interrupt the narrative 
 of my own memoirs I am fometimes obliged 
 to mingle with the elegant mob at a fale of pic- 
 tures. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. A fale of pictures muft be very 
 improving. You there frequently meet with the 
 works of the old mafters. 
 
 Lady B. The ladies of fafhion do not go to 
 auctions for the fake of the dd mafters > do they, 
 Lord Melcourt ? 
 
 Lord Mel. No, indeed T A bow from Lord 
 Gauze, afmile from LordFlimfy, or a compliment 
 from Sir GoiTamer Bagatelle, effaces, the names of 
 Rembrant, Corregio, and Vandyke ! 
 
 Lady B. However, we play with the catalogue, 
 and weftare at the pictures. And I have heard it 
 obferved, that in the two late celebrated lales, the 
 love of Vertu made the ladies gaze at fome pictures, 
 from which their grand-mammas would have turned 
 away. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Indeed ! 
 
 Lady
 
 HEIRESS. 61 
 
 Lady B. But then, I will fay for the ladies, that 
 they dole a glance at thefe pictures, through die 
 medium of their long veils, which you know tranf- 
 mits a kind of drapery, to the paintings! But to 
 proceed, I am under the obligation, lometimes, 
 of getting up in the middle of the night, to be in 
 readinels, to go to a new play, and with all my 
 precaution, 1 never can get there before the middle 
 of the fecond act. 
 
 Sir P. Plm. That is very unlucky. 
 
 Lady B. Not in the leaft ; for I never liften to 
 the play. 
 
 Sir P. Plm. But does not your talking loud in 
 the firft row, difturb the audience ? 
 
 Lady B. I never occupy the firft row j I place 
 the old ladies, in the firft and fecond row, they 
 have nothing to do, (poor things) but to liften 
 to the play ? And then I fit fnug on the laft form, 
 which we call among ourlelves, tattle row, and 
 then perhaps, I am feated between Sir Voluble 
 Prattle, and Colonel Eafy, and we three converfe 
 and titter a la Jour dine, the whole evening: but I 
 am afraid I grow dull. 
 
 Sir P. Plm. Quite the reverfe, I aflure you; J 
 prefume, your Ladyfhip pays more attention to 
 the opera; the foftnefs ot the Italian language, 
 has fomething enchanting to a delicate ear. 
 
 Lady B. I know nothing of the Italian lan- 
 guage, there is no attaining the knowledge, of it, 
 without pafling through the perplexing, jumbling, 
 crofs-roads of a grammar; that would make my 
 intellects to pieces. 
 
 Sir P. Plm. Still the mufic may flatter the ear, 
 though you do not comprehend the words. 
 
 Lady B. I comprehend the mufic as little as 
 I do the words. 
 
 Sir P. Plm. It is, then, the dancing I conclude 
 delights you 
 
 i Lady
 
 62 THE WELSH 
 
 Lady B. No ; the dancing does not particularly 
 intereitme; indeed I cannot fee the dancing in 
 my box, for I generally fit witli my back to the 
 ftage. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. As neither the mufic, nor the 
 dancing has any allurement, I fuppofe your Lady- 
 fhip fefdom or never goes to the opera. 
 
 Lady B. I afk your pardon, Sir Pepper, I never 
 omit an opera. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. What then can be the attraction ? 
 I really fee nothing to entice you. 
 
 Lady B. Is it nothing, Sir Pepper, to lean half 
 out of one's box; with the head inclined to give 
 the ealy feather a more graceful play ? which 
 looks a meteor, waving in the air ; and which, as 
 the poet lays, 
 
 " Allures attention, from the tuneful fcene j 
 
 " Gives fops the flutter, and old maids the fpleen." 
 
 Is it nothing, Sir Pepper, to have all the opera 
 glaffes levelled at one ? To fit in my box, as on a 
 throne, the unrivalled queen of Fopland ? 
 
 Lord Mel. I muft confefs, Lady Bellair, you 
 have an extenfive dominion ; Fopland is a very 
 populous country. 
 
 Lady B. So it is, and what is ftill better, there 
 is not an old man to be found in it. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. I am forry, I am excluded from 
 being one of your majefty's fubjefts? 
 
 Lady B. Out of regard to your gallantry, I will 
 introduce a bill to naturalife you, Sir Pepper, but 
 not to lofe the thread of my narrative, I muft in- 
 form you, that I go once in the winter to an affem- 
 bly, given by the wife of my phyfician; there all 
 his pale convalefcents ftalk about like ghofts: 
 
 Lord Mel. And to conclude the defcription ; 
 the lemonade is intentionally made fo acid .that the 
 doftor is obliged to return all the vifits of his 
 company the next day. 
 
 Sir
 
 HEIRESS. 63 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Very good indeed. 
 
 Lady B. You perceive what a mortified life I 
 am obliged to lead. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. If your hiftoric pencil has drawn 
 a true refemblance, I muft confefs, a faihionable 
 lady is to me an incomprehensible being. (Exit. 
 
 Lady B. Now we have got rid of the ridiculous 
 baronet, I mud aflame a graver tone; you know, 
 I -can be very ferious when occafion demands. 
 The more I fee of Sir Pepper's abfurd daughter, 
 the more I am fenfibly affected at the thought of 
 your approaching nuptials. The long train of pe- 
 culiar diftrerTes incident to our family, I wifh not 
 to (ee terminated by means fo unworthy and igno- 
 jiimous. 
 
 Lord Mel. I do not comprehend you. 
 
 Lady B. By marrying a young woman you are 
 amamed of; our family has been long involved in 
 various difficulties; it has been known to misfor- 
 tune, but it has never been acquainted with dif- 
 honor ? Imagine two large portals opening before 
 you, through one of which, you mould be obliged 
 to pafs ! Imagine one prelenting to your view a- 
 brilliant perfpeftive, a lun dreaming from a fum-> 
 mer /ky, and illuminating an earthly paradile ! 
 The other unfolding to your vifion, a lowring 
 atmofphere hanging over a blafted heath. Pic- 
 ture to yourfelf thele words, engraved on the firft 
 portal ; they who fffe through me> mufl caft away 
 honor. Fancy on the other, you behold this in- 
 icription 'This road leads, to honorable poverty-, 
 through which of thefe arches, would you direft 
 your footfteps ? Oh ! my dear brother, in the agita- 
 tion you betray, I read your heroic anfwer. 
 
 Lord Mel. Before you had communicated your 
 fentiments to me, upon this fubjefb, I had made 
 my reflection, and had refolved, but Mr. Fafhion, 
 whom I am glad to fee, (Enter FASHION.) will 
 
 belt
 
 64 THE WELCH 
 
 beft unfold the plan we had formed together, I 
 refer you to him, die confufion I am at prefent 
 under, will excufe my leaving you ib abruptly. 
 
 (Exit. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Heyday, what is the matter with 
 Melcourt ? He italked by me, in dumb fhew, like 
 a tragedy hero. 
 
 Lady B. The agitation you perceive he is in, 
 is the honeft working of nature, it will do him no 
 harm; my brother tells me, you have ibmething 
 to communicate to me. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. I have, and it is of importance, I 
 was commifiloned by him, as he did not choofe 
 to fpeak himfelf, that he is determined to break 
 off this match. 
 
 .Lady B. He partly intimated his refolution. 
 But who undertakes to inform the girl of his re- 
 folution ? 
 
 Mr. Fajh. That falls to my part in the play. 
 
 Lady B. W hat do you propofe faying to the 
 poor girl ? How will you open your unpleafant 
 embafiy? 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Not fo unpleafant, becaufe I intend 
 to propofe myfelf. 
 
 Lady B. Propofe yourfelf ! 
 
 Mr. Fajh. As I do not occupy fo high a ftation 
 in life as Lord Melcourt, I mean, by propofing 
 myfelf, to be a kind of a parachute, and fo break, 
 as it wt- re, her fall. 
 
 L.idy B. You are very kind, indeed. You may 
 not perhaps be ib invincible in the eyes of the 
 young lady as you are in your own. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. I rely on your friendly affiflance. 
 
 Lady B. There you are miftaken. But do not 
 impute my declining to co-operate with you, to a 
 fear that this may be the means of withdrawing 
 your aifiduities and attentions from me. * I hope I 
 ac~t from a. more noble impulie. I am ready to 
 Confefs that the exclufive preference and predilec- 
 tion
 
 H E I R E S S. 65 
 
 tion you have fliewn me of late, have gratified my 
 vanity ; but like the waves that beat againft the 
 heedlefs rock, they have not fhook my conftancy 
 to the man whofe name I bear. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. The playful gaiety of your difpofi- 
 t ion led me aftray, and I thought you was delighted 
 t o return to fociety unaccompanied by Lord Bell- 
 air. 
 
 jnufy B. I own I have the appearance of airinefs 
 and levity; but my gaiety is frequently affumed, and 
 I ha^ recourfe to difiipation more as a medicine 
 than a feaft. 
 
 Mr. Fajb. As you are fo kind as to fpeak to me 
 in fo unreferved a manner, I think it incumbent on 
 me to declare that I have no inbred averfion to 
 the o'irl, I am not fo faftidious, fq difficult, as 
 Melcourt ; and I will add, that was I to fucceed, 
 I would do every thing in my power to contribute 
 to her happineis, and give me alfo leave to fay 
 that I believe I am not indifferent to her. 
 
 Lady B. With fuch honorable fentiments as 
 you now affure me you entertain, you have my 
 permiilion to make the trial. Mutual propenfity, 
 believe me, is the beft fecurity for happinefs. The 
 imilin flowers me fcatters from her. hand can alone 
 enliven the domeftic walk ! 'Tis (he who dilplays 
 to the bride and bridegroom that eternal fpring 
 which all lovers talk of, but which fo few expe- 
 rience ! 'Tis me who gilds and diiTipates the 
 clouds of care, and pours upon the foul the chear- 
 ful funfhine of the mind. (Exeunt. 
 
 END OF THE FOURTH ACT. 
 
 A C T V.
 
 66 THE WE L CH 
 
 A C T V, 
 
 Mifs PLINLIMMON, fitting at a Table, writing, 
 
 I AM glad to find that my letters are finifhed. 
 I cannot conceive what Mr. Fafhion has to lay to 
 me in private. Thefe letters will make my friends 
 very happy. (Enter Mr. FASHION) You are 
 punctual to your time ; I was juft thinking of you. 
 Mr. Famion, you are a perfonable man I wonder 
 you are not married. 
 
 Mr. Fa/h. The reafon I am not married, is be- 
 caufe there is only one Mifs Plinlimmon. But give 
 me leave to tell you, that you are too late for the 
 poft. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Thefe letters are not intended for 
 to-day's poft, nor to morrow's poft ; but they are 
 intended for the poft the day after the wedding. 
 You muft know that I am bound by a foJemn pro- 
 mife to write two letters the day after my mar- 
 riage, and as we mall be on our road to Ireland on 
 that day, and confequently mail have no time to 
 write, I thought it would be a good plan to write 
 beforehand, and date the letters after the wedding, 
 
 which
 
 HEIRESS. 67 
 
 which you fee I have done, and have figned my- 
 felf Ifabella Melcourt. 
 
 Mr. Fajb. Very ingenioufly contrived indeed ! 
 May I take the liberty of alking who this letter 
 is to ? 
 
 Mifs Plin. It is to Mrs. Evans, an old maiden 
 aunt, who was always very kind to me. There 
 are no fecrets, if you pleafe, I will read it to you. 
 
 Mr. Fa/h. I am fure it muft be worth hearing 
 if it comes from your pen. 
 
 Mifs Plin. (reads) 
 
 " Dear Aunt, 
 
 " Yefterday the holy ceremony was per- 
 " formed. We all wept- Mamma had an hyf- 
 " teric -two beautiful tears ftole down the cheek 
 <c of my amiable Lord, and when he put on the 
 " ring his hand trembled" 
 
 Mr. Fajb. But, Mifs Plinlimmon, allow me to 
 afk, how do you know all this will happen ? 
 
 Mifs Plin. There is always weeping at a wed- 
 ding, as much as at a funeral. 
 
 Mr. Fajb. Well, I plead ignorance, for I never 
 affifted at a wedding. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Then get your white handkerchief 
 ready to-morrow morning. But let me fee where 
 I left oft (reads} 
 
 " When he put on the ring his hand trem- 
 bled. After the ceremony, we fat down to a 
 fumptuous collation. We lay at a town whole 
 name I forget. You cannot, dear madam, have 
 any conception of his Lordfhip's kindnefs to 
 me. 
 
 " I am, dear Aunt, 
 
 " Your thrice happy niece, 
 
 " ISABELLA MELbouRT. 
 
 " Poftcript. I mould have written a longer let- 
 ter, had I not a bad head-ache." 
 
 Mr.
 
 68 THE WEL CH 
 
 Mr. Fajb. But permit me to afk, how do you 
 
 forefee you will have a bad head-ache ? 
 
 Mifs Plin. I heard my mamma-in-law lay that 
 
 Ihe had a terrible head-ache, the day after Ihc 
 
 married, fo 'tis very probable- 
 Mr. Fajh. I perceive there is another letter; 
 
 v/ho is honored with this mark of your remem- 
 brance ? 
 
 Mlfs Plin. This is to Mils Bluehofe, member 
 
 of the female literary ibciety at Carnarvon. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. With this lady I luppole you affume 
 
 a higher ftyle. 
 
 Mifs Plin. I endeavour in this letter to write 
 
 exactly as Mils Bluehofe talks (Reads.} 
 
 " Sweet Academic Friend, 
 
 " Aurora, yefterday, put on her beft faf- 
 " frbn robe, to affift at our wedding: we are on 
 tc our road to Ireland, my lord, you know, is a na- 
 <f tive of that kingdom, what a delightful country 
 * f muft that be, wliich produces luch men ? Laft 
 <c night three minutes before twelve, I alcendcd 
 tc the expecting couch. 
 
 Mr, Fajh. Very happy exprefllon that ! 
 
 Mifs Plin. I am glad you are pleafed with if, 
 the expecting couch, is in the manner and ftyle of 
 our academic fociety; but to proceed: (reads} 
 <c Hiftory informs us, my dear Mils Blue hole, of the 
 " bed ofProcufles, of the bed of Ware, of the L?V 
 " de Juftice, and of the bed of honor; I wonder that 
 " in this learned catalogue, the hiftorian omitted 
 "the bed of Hymen." 
 
 Mr* Fajh. It is an unpardonable omiflion, in- 
 deed. 
 
 Mifs. Plin. Now we have done with the letters, 
 be fo good as to inform me why you look fo 
 ferious ? I begin to think, you envy Lord Mel- 
 court- well, if you do, I will tell you, for your 
 comfort, that if I was to be a widow, and had 
 
 moulted
 
 HEIRESS. 69 
 
 moulted away my black feathers, that is to lay> 
 when I had fhed my weeds and got rid of my 
 forrow, I really think you would ftand a good 
 chance. 
 
 Mr. Fa/h. You flatter me extremely, but to 
 advert to the fubjecl:, which induced me to beg 
 this private audience, I muft inform you that no- 
 thing but the great refpect I entertain for you, 
 could compel me to mention Lord Melcourt, in 
 terms not the moft favourable. 
 
 Mifs Piin. I know what you allude to, but he 
 has promifed papa, never to touch a card again. 
 
 Mr. Fajb. I do not allude to his paflion for 
 gaming, I point to quite a different thing. 
 
 Mifs Plin. I know what you mean there too, 
 he has told me all; he clambers up the roof of the 
 houfe every night. 
 
 Mr. Fa/h. Clambers up the roof of the houfe ! 
 I can't tell what he has chofen to communicate to 
 you, but I dare fay, he has not given you any hint 
 of what my regard for you prompts me to reveal j 
 to keep you no longer in iufpenfe, Melcourt does 
 not love you ; I can fcarcely fupprefs my indig- 
 nation, when I bthold fo enchanting, fo learned, 
 fo witty a young lady as Mifs Plinlimmon be- 
 come 
 
 Mifs Plin. How kind you are ! 
 
 Mr. Fa/h. Become, I fay, the dupe of that indi- 
 gent peer, who only wifhes to have his debts paid 
 by your fortune. He will look upon you with no 
 greater lenfibility than he does his old banker in 
 the city : he will fet you afide, like an ufelefs piece 
 of lumber. 
 
 Mifs Plin. You petrify me, Mr. Fafhion! But 
 I have a refource left, which will prevent my be- 
 ing reduced to an ufelefs piece of lumber. 
 
 Mr. Fa/h. And what is that refource ? 
 
 Mifs
 
 70 THE WELCH 
 
 Mifs. Plin. It is a refource which belongs to the 
 rights of women ; a curtain lecture. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Oh! that will have no effect. 
 Mifs Plin. I know that my mamma-in-law has 
 frequent recourle to that expedient. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. And what has been her fuccefs ? Her 
 nocturnal murmurings, and her loud matin fong, 
 what have they produced, but an airy, talkative 
 family of bickerings and diicontent ? 
 Mifs Plin. 'Tis very true. 
 Mr. Fajh. I have frequently been aftonifhed 
 at Lord Melcourt's cold indifference towards you. 
 Mifs Plin. Indeed he has not faid one kind 
 word to me fmce I have been at Melcourt Hall. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Then the vehemence of his cha- 
 racter- 
 
 Mifs Plin. He told me himfelfhe was as crofs 
 as the devil. 
 
 Mr. Fafh. Then I have wondered at the con- 
 tempt with which he prefumes to fpeakof you. 
 
 Mifs Plin. I dare fay he laughs at me behind 
 my back. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. I have heard him fay you are an 
 ideot. 
 
 Mfs Plin. I an ideot! Did he dare call me an 
 ideot ? I, who am one of the female academics at 
 Carnarvon! I an ideot, with whom Mifs Bluehofe 
 correfponds ? I an ideot, who have been electri- 
 fied, and magnetifed ! I an ideot, who am ac- 
 quainted with Mr. Omega, the famous Jew bota- 
 nift, and have feafted as his houfe upon his He- 
 brew roots ? 
 
 Mr. FaJ}}. Notwithstanding all thefe credentials 
 of your wit, you find what he lays of you. 
 
 Mifs Plin. I feel the blood of the Plinlimmons 
 rife within me. 
 
 Mr. Fafo. I mould not be furprifed, if under 
 the idea of your being an ideot, he fhould confine 
 
 you
 
 HEIRESS. 71 
 
 you in fome old cattle in Ireland, without allowing 
 you pen, ink or paper, to write to your friend, 
 Mifs Bluehofe ; without having the pleafure of 
 being magnetifed j and without ever having the 
 gratification of dining upon Hebrew roots. 
 
 Mifs Plin. I renounce him from this moment ! 
 With this breath (Hows through her fingers) I 
 blow away all my love ! Imagine you fee it float- 
 ing through the air, never to return to Lord Mel- 
 court again ! 
 
 Mr. Fajb. Methinks I behold the fairy chariot 
 bearing away your affections ! Oh! that I could 
 arreft the richly freighted vehicle, and feize the 
 Invaluable prize. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Indeed ? Are you in earneft ? 
 Mr. Fajh. I am, upon my honour ! 
 Mifs Plin. Ah ! but you are fo wild, and you 
 love all the women ! 
 
 Mr. Fajh. I am like other young men, when 
 under no particular engagement; like a bird in the 
 grove, I wing from bough to bough ; but once 
 married, I mould be as domeftic and as conftant 
 as the turtle-dove. 
 
 Mifs Plin. If it be fo, I could be almoft in- 
 duced 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Come, come, let me feize this coy 
 hand mew you have a fpirit to reward as well as 
 to refent. 
 
 Mifs Plin. (laughing) It would be a good trick 
 to play the Irifii peer. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. The ftudy of my life would be your 
 happinels. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Are you a gentleman ? 
 Mr. Fa/b. That you know by my name and 
 in point of character, I am totally different from 
 Lord Melcourt I love you pafllonately. 
 
 Mifs Plin. That is no unpleafing intelligence. 
 Mr. Fajh. I do not walk in my deep. 
 Mife Plin. I am very glad to hear that. 
 
 Mr.
 
 7 2 THE WE LCH 
 
 Mr. Fajh. But no time is to be loft this Ji- 
 cenfe of Lord Melcourt's, with a fmall change, 
 will ferve our purpole. 
 
 Mijs Plin. Taffey will fow us together in a 
 twinkle. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. Let us fly to the parfon. 
 
 (Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE Another Apartment 
 Enter Sir PEPPER PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Well, if what I am informed of fhould prove 
 true, that my girl has no inclination to Lord Mel- 
 court, I mail not force her. 
 
 Lady Plin. (behind the fcenes) Where is Sir 
 Pepper ? Where is Sir Pepper ? 
 
 Sir P. Plin. I hear Lad/ Plinlimmon's voice- 
 now me is coming to pour upon me, as from a wide 
 mortar-piece. 
 
 Enter Lady PLINLTMMON. 
 
 Lady Plin. Do you call me a wide mortar-piece, 
 Sir Pepper ? But let that pafs I come to de- 
 mand your authority over this wayward girl of 
 our's, who pretends to diflike Lord Melcourt, be- 
 cauie he is not, forfooth, ientimentaljy in love with 
 her. 
 
 Sir P. Plin, Without mutual affection, there is 
 no living together. 
 
 Lady Plin. Have we not lived thefe fifteen years 
 together. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Yes ! and how have we lived ? 
 
 (Enter
 
 HEIRESS. 73 
 
 Enter Lady BELLAIR. 
 
 Lady Pirn. I have been gendy expoftulating with 
 Sir Pepper, on his concurring with Ifabella's whim- 
 fical objection to Lord Melcourt. 
 
 Lady B. Lconfefs I fide with Sir Pepper. 
 
 Lady Plin. Is it pofiible ! 
 
 Lady B. Though the lofs is my brother's, 
 I fhall not offer a word to reconcile Sir Pepper to 
 an engagement that does not meet with his daugh- 
 ter's approbation. 
 
 Lady Plin. I am aftonifhed to hear Lady Bellair 
 encourage a ruftic notion that is unknown to the 
 regions of fafhion. 
 
 Lady B. Your Ladyfhip mud allow that mutual 
 happinefs is the end propoied. "Tis the mark, which 
 if the bride and bridegroom in the higher f'phere 
 do not hit, it is becauie they take a falfe aim. 
 . Lady Plin. Morality, too ! 
 
 Lady B. Am not I an inftance of the folly of 
 hurrying into an unavoidable engagement ? 
 
 Lady Plin. Not in the leaft. Does not the 
 world encircle you with all its attractions ? Do you 
 not enjoy the advantages of wedlock, without the 
 incumbrances ? -your Lord's title, and a hand- 
 fome allowance ? 
 
 Lady B. Your Ladyfhip forgets that Sir Pepper 
 is prefent. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. I beg (he may not be interrupted 
 on my account. 
 
 Lady Plin. Give me leave to afk in what man- 
 ner your Ladyihip can be luppofcd to be a fuf- 
 ferer from your being feparated from Lord Bellair ? 
 Do your jewels mine lels bright? Is the oftrich- 
 feather on your cap lefs playful ? Is the lace 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Zounds ! Lady Plinlimmon, your 
 
 head
 
 74 THE WELCH 
 
 head is like a newfpaper after a birth-day -full of 
 nothing but gauzes, foils, and trimmings ! 
 
 Lady Plin. Well, I (land corrected. I give up 
 the point concerning my daughter, fince I find 
 every body is againft me. 
 
 Enter Lord MELCOURT. 
 
 Lord Mel. I am happy to find Lady Plinlim- 
 mon here ; I am impatient to make this open de- 
 claration to her, that the concern I feel in not being 
 allowed to expecVthe honour of her alliance, is loft 
 in the higher confideration of Mifs Plinlimmon's 
 happinefs. 
 
 Lady Plin. Indeed, my Lord, you are too good, 
 to give way to the abfurd objections of an ignorant 
 girl. 
 
 Enter Mr. FASHION, and Mifs PLINLIMMON, Mr. 
 PHRENSY, and Mr. FANCY. 
 
 Mr. FASHION and Mifs PLINLIMMON, kneel. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Dear papa, give me and my hulband 
 your blefllng. 
 
 Sir P. Plin. Your hufband ? 
 
 Lady Plin. Your hulband ? 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. 'Tis even fo. I had the honour 
 of giving her away. 
 
 Lady Plin. What do you fay to this, Lord Mel- 
 court? (To Mr. FASHION) Audacious wretch, to 
 iteal my daughter. 
 
 Lord Mel. I can aflure your Ladyfhip, Fafhion 
 is one of the mofl ancient families in the king- 
 dom, and has a title in obeyance. 
 
 Lady Plin. Well, if he has a title in obeyance. 
 
 Sir
 
 HEIRESS. 75 
 
 Sir P. Pita. But will Lord Melcourt vouch for 
 his character ? 
 
 Lord Md, Her Ladyfhip looks to the gaudy 
 tliftinftion of title ; you, fir, look for ibmething 
 more fubttantial ! Then let me tell you that Fa- 
 Ihion poffefles thofe titles which virtue's patent 
 only can beftow, honor and integrity. 
 
 Sir P. PUn. Then I am fatisfied, come Lady 
 
 Plinlimmon, let us forgive our child, (Going up 
 
 to Mr. FASHION and Lady PLINLIMMON. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. But who is to reward me for my 
 
 epithalamium ? To whom mail I confign it ? 
 
 Lord Mel. I will tell you confign it to the 
 fire-grate, that is the only way to infure it a warm 
 reception. 
 
 Mr. Pbrenfy. Your envy at my talents prompts 
 you to ufe fo pitiful a conceit. 
 
 Lord Mel. Well, Phrenfy, I will indulge another 
 conceit which will not offend you ib much, and 
 that isj I hope as long as you choofe to be 
 dead, you will live at Melcourt Hall. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy. Egad, Melcourt Hall is fo delight- 
 ful a fepulchre, I do not believe I mail ever wifti 
 to be alive again. 
 
 Lord Mel. Do you, then, never intend to return 
 to life. 
 
 Mr. Phrenfy Yes, I do, as foon as I have, by 
 means of my fubfcription) completed my poetical 
 loan; my return to life will be a kind of an ova- 
 tion: the triumphal procefiion mall begin with 
 my odes, each on his fiery Pegafus; my fatires, 
 like tomahawks, mail next appear ; then my ele- 
 gies mail move like a weeping train of female 
 captives, to theie fhall fucceed my epigrams, a 
 bnfk troop of archers, with their pointed darts ; 
 my grand epic like a large unwieldy elephant, 
 mail march by itlelf : then my tragedies, attired as 
 widows, mail walk on one fide, while my gaily 
 veiled comedies fhall trip on the other. 
 
 Mr. 

 
 76 THE WELCH 
 
 Mr. Fancy. And a mufical band of catcalls fhall 
 walk between. - 
 
 Mr. Pbrenjy. Bafe canvafs dauber! how dare 
 you interrupt me ? when the poet's eye was in a 
 fine Phreniy rolling, when the mule was kindling 
 with conception! vile brufli-holder; you do not 
 know the mifchief you have done ; you have made 
 the mule mifcarry; the bright vifion is loft for 
 ever (Exit Mr. PHRENSY. 
 
 Lady B. (Advancing) Now Phrenfy has finifhed 
 his poetical rhapfody, I beg I may prefent my 
 congratulations to the bride and bridegroom ; I 
 muft confels to you, Mr. Fafhion, that I little 
 thought the gay irregular comedy of your bache- 
 lor life would have terminated with fo abrupt and 
 moral a conclufion ; as for you, my dear, though 
 I am not to call you fifter, you will always be the 
 object of my tender iblicitude. 
 
 Mifs. Plin. I am a giddy creature, but I hope 
 I fhall never forfeit your protection, I mail leave to 
 others to purfue the varying modes and fopperies 
 of the day; this is the Fafhion (pointing to Fajhiori) 
 that I fhall adopt, and to this Fafhion 1 mail be 
 ever conftant. 
 
 Lord Mel. Bravo! Matrimony infpires you, 
 well as it is now, my turn to ipeak, I beg you will 
 both accept of my beft wifhes; may happincfs lead 
 you through life, along her moil imooth and 
 Howry path. 
 
 Mifs Plin. Well, my lord, fince you take my 
 trickingyou in fuch perfect good humour, when I 
 am miitrefs of my fortune, I will lend you what- 
 ever money you ftand in need of. 
 
 Mr. Fajh. (difpleafed) Lord Mel court does not 
 want our money, I prelume. 
 
 Mifs. Plin. I hope to' lee your Lordfhip at our 
 houie in the country 3 1 fuppofe, Mr. Falliion, you 
 have one fome where. 
 
 Lord
 
 HEIRESS. 77 
 
 Lord Mel. Fafhion's country houfe, I am afraid, 
 is little better than a caftle in the air, but till he has 
 one erected upon a more iblid foundation, I en- 
 treat Mr. and Mrs. Faihion will look upon Mel- 
 court Hall as their own. 
 
 Mifs PUn. Egad this is handfome: I have one 
 thing more to recommend to your Lordmip. 
 
 Lord Mel. What are your commands ? 
 
 Mifs Plin. (half afidc] Be fure you never men- 
 tion the crooked legs. 
 
 Lord Mel. Depend upon my difcretion come, 
 let us all pafs iome chearful days under this roof; 
 let reproaches and complainings ceafe, let good 
 humour, focial intercourle, pleafantry and content 
 fucceed. 
 
 END OF THE COMEDY. 
 
 EPILOGUE,
 
 EP ILOG t7E 
 
 BY THE RIGHT HON. FIELD MARSHAL CONWAY. 
 
 Spoken- by Mifs Farren. 
 
 'WITH gloomy bodings for his bantling play, 
 Our Author came to me the other day, 
 A boon to aik, tho' half afraid to break it; 
 He'd got an Epilogue, and I mud fpeak it. 
 All means he fain would try, if not too late, 
 Still to avert his dread, impending fate. 
 Sad vifions, too, diftracl: his anxious brain; 
 Rumours of ills, that wait the fcribbling train. 
 'Tis laid your tafte for Comedy is flown; 
 That darling child you once were proud to own: 
 .That Shakefpear's fires no more your fenles rouze ; 
 Congreve and Vanbrugh feldom fill the houfe ; 
 While childiili pageants fluff the crouded fcene, 
 No mortal even guefilng what they mean; 
 Fierce wars they wage, and dreadful battles try, 
 With bloodlels confli6l : all one knows not why. 
 Till by the friendly banners we are told, 
 There Macedon's, there Perfia's chief behold! 
 Juft as on figns th' informing words declare, 
 This the Red Lion ; that is the Black Bear. 
 Queens, and their maids of honor, wait in vain. 
 Till their mute lovers fhall their fuit explain. 
 They'd often heard, indeed from Greece and Rome, 
 
 That
 
 EPILOGUE. 79 
 
 That love was blind -, but ne'er that he was dumb. 
 There too thofe motly, female, manly graces, 
 With almoft all things naked, but their faces; 
 Thofe modern Picls, at whom we gaze with wonder; 
 While their keen falchions cut whole ranks afunder. 
 Great Rufty-fulti's triumphs thus we greet ; 
 Six holy Roman emp'rors breathlefs at her feet. 
 Nor lefsthe neighb'ring temples of Apollo, 
 With equal fteps the bright example follow. 
 There beardlefs warriors fqueak each other's doom ; 
 And filken Vandals plan the fall of Rome. 
 There demigods by entrechats advance, 
 And Carthage flames demolim'd in a dance. 
 Arms clafh, loud thunders roar, and chariots rattle ; 
 While jarring trumpets animate the battle. 
 
 Now critics, if you're angry think on thefe, 
 And fpare the bard who drives at leaft to pleafe : 
 Judge, and be judg'd, in anger juft, I pray : 
 /hidire alteram Qartem is fair play. 
 In fuch a caufe, altho' the talk be hard ; 
 I'll be myfelf of counfel for our bard; 
 I've fuch authorities as none refufes, 
 Fleta's, and Coke's, and Blackftone's of the Mufes ; 
 Farqhuar and Rowe, and Wycherly we boaft ! 
 And Avon's mighty feer, himfelf a hoft! 
 
 Yet, for I feel my female fears increafe, 
 Tho'arm'd for war, yet ft ill I "joijh for peace: 
 We own your pow'r, confefsyour wond'rous fway, 
 Whom all our great dramatic realms obey : 
 
 No
 
 So EPILOGUE. 
 
 No merit we can claim, till you befriend it, 
 Wit is nut wic, unlels your tafle commend it: 
 From th' Author's anvil a mere fluggifh mafs ; 
 Your plaudits ftamp the coin, and bid it pafs. 
 By your mild fentence then decide our fate : 
 Far better to be good than to be great ! 
 Like Britain's Monarch, act your generous parts, 
 And fix your empire, in ourgreatful hearts. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY 
 
 Los Angeles 
 This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. 
 
 
 FEB'151974 
 
 Form L9-40m-7,'5G(C790s4)444 
 
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