THE 
 
 CHURCH KNAVIAD, 
 
 OR 
 
 A SLIGHT TOUCH OF THE 
 
 SERIO-COMIC, 
 
 TOUCHING 
 
 CHURCH KNAVERY. 
 
 BY IIORATIUS FLACCUS. 
 
 NEW HAVEN: 
 PUBLISHED BY DR. FAUSTUS, 
 
 No. 89 HIGH-OLD-FLEET-STREET. 
 
 18G4.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 Prefaces are never read. They never should be. They 
 are like corks to bottles, only intended to retain the flavor 
 of the vintage or keep down the effervescence for the flag 
 on. None but downright nincompoops ever taste of the 
 cork. If you would read this volume, therefore, cut the 
 preface at once, and let the cork fly. If the vintage that 
 follows is not to your liking, if you do not agree with us 
 that it sparkles with genuine wit, hurnor, and pathos, then, 
 with Dogberry, write yourself down an ass, and therein 
 your judgment will accord for once with that of 
 
 DR. FAUSTUS,
 
 THE CHURCH KNAVIAD, 
 
 OR 
 
 HORACE IN WEST HAVEN. 
 
 CANTO I. 
 
 I do not like you, Dr. Pell, 
 The reason why, I cannot tell; 
 But this I know, and that full well, 
 I do not like you, Dr. Pell ! 
 
 Hudibras. 
 
 SCENE IN WEST HAVEN. Horace and Maecenas enter 
 town. The latter recounts his adventurous escape from the do 
 minions of Pluto in the vulgate, "Old Scratch;" while the 
 former writes a veritable Jdstory, d c., <&c., with a sVtght episode 
 on the town. 
 
 I. 
 
 My dear Maecenas, how d you do ? 
 Quite unexpected meeting you. 
 
 So far away from home ; 
 I really thought you in arrears 
 To Pluto still a thousand years, 
 
 For what you did at Rome. 
 
 II. 
 
 " My sins, you see, the chief amount, 
 Were posted to the wrong account, 
 
 By Satan s clerk pro tern. 
 So here s my clearance and discharge, 
 And liberty to roam at large, 
 
 O er this old ball again."
 
 III. 
 
 You were indeed a " lucky chiel," 
 To come it o er the subtle deil 
 
 In such a way as that ; 
 A bribe ? ah. yes, the very trick 
 You plaved t Tusculum so slick. 
 
 j. *t ** 
 
 Did Satan smell the rat ? 
 
 IV. 
 
 " No, not exactly ; but he looked 
 To see if each account was booked, 
 
 And paged in order right ; 
 And then he scratched his dexter brow, 
 And said, he rather guessed as how 
 
 I could nt come 5t quite ! 
 
 V. 
 
 " To which I civilly rejoined, 
 Just as your Majesty s inclined, 
 
 Not as I care a groat ; 
 For since my passport is visced, 
 And the grim ferryman is paid, 
 
 And stands within his boat, 
 
 VI. 
 
 " Ready to waft me back again, 
 With the first breeze from Stygian plain, 
 
 I don t exactly see 
 How a ne exeat will lie, 
 Unless your Majesty deny 
 
 The right of Charon s fee.
 
 VII. 
 
 "At this he stamped his hoof and swore 
 He d batter down all h 11 before 
 
 ITc d have such emigration ; 
 It was enough to make one swear 
 Terrific oaths on nether air, 
 
 Or damn a new creation ! 
 
 viir. 
 
 " His realm, he said, would shortly be 
 Depopulated, and set free 
 
 From every honest knave, 
 If Charon were allowed to take 
 Just whom he pleased across the lake, 
 
 Without his sovereign leave. 
 
 IX. 
 
 <: But heeding not his wrathful mood, 
 I still more resolutely .stood 
 
 By what I d said before ; 
 And giving Charon, first the wink, 
 And then his obolus or "chink," 
 
 We darted from the shore. 
 
 X. 
 
 " And now across the Stygian lake, 
 And fiercely bellowing in our wake, 
 
 Old Ccrebus doth co7n<>, 
 With all his hundred-headed pack 
 Of barking whelps upon our track, 
 
 To rend the infernal dome.
 
 8 
 
 XI. 
 
 t; But Charon plies his dusky oar, 
 And soon the dark Plutonian shore 
 
 Recedes from mortal sight, 
 With all the wild infernal din 
 Of shrieking dervishes within 
 
 Its halls of dismal light. 
 
 XII. 
 
 "And now at length, we stand again 
 On terra firma s firm domain, 
 
 Untrammelled and set free; 
 And henceforth bound to sec the sights, 
 
 O 
 
 The desperate raids and bloody fights, 
 In Young America. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 " For here we find the very air 
 Sonorous with the din of war, 
 
 And the loud-clashing steel, 
 With brazen cannon belching forth 
 The thunders of the indignant North, 
 
 In bomb and shrieking shell : 
 
 XIV. 
 
 " A sight at which the angels grieve, 
 And devils chuckle in their sleeve, 
 
 To sec the horrid farce, 
 Of thousands rushing oil their doom, 
 Mid shot, and shell, and rattling bomb, 
 
 All for a biped race !
 
 9 
 
 XV. 
 
 " How little thought we in old Home, 
 That such a day as this would come, 
 
 When pure Phaaiician blood 
 Would flow like rivers to give place 
 To that of Afric s dtis:;y race, 
 
 Beyond Ilcspcria s flood ! 
 
 xvi. 
 
 "Would that the immortal gods could rise, 
 And frowu indignant from the skies 
 
 Upon this direful scene ; 
 Where brother, peeking brother s blood, 
 Defiles the land with corpses strewed 
 
 l r rom Mexico (o Maine! 
 
 XVII. 
 
 " No wonder that all hell was bent 
 On being fiercely jubilant, 
 
 In Eighteen-Sixty -three ; 
 It proves the devil s harvest year, 
 As wrote the ancient king and seer 
 
 In book of prophesy ! 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 " But see yon group of merry faces, 
 
 There the genius of the place is, 
 
 Now louder peals the laughter, 
 
 By Jove ! with them how passing well 
 
 The motto rive la bogitelle ; 
 Tis Upson they are after !
 
 10 
 
 XIX. 
 
 To this digression had he come, 
 My patron once in lofty Koine, 
 
 When first we struck the earth ; 
 And taking ROW our bearings, found 
 We d hit the : Hock House on the Sound," 
 
 A scene of joy and mirth. 
 
 XX. 
 
 For here our jovial landlord stands, 
 
 A " host" among a host ot friends, 
 As the swift jest goes round ; 
 And swifter dimes accumulate, 
 From early morn till evening late, 
 In merry tinkling sound ! 
 
 XXI. 
 
 lie hath a fund of humorous joke 
 To crack the sides of honest folk, 
 
 And to dispel ennui; 
 And tells them with such naivete, 
 And so facetiously, they say, 
 
 It stirs the fun right merrily ! 
 
 XXII. 
 
 And now around his festive board, 
 Groaning with viands that afford 
 
 The amplest proof of taste, 
 Is seated many a merry guest, 
 To crack his mirth-provoking jest, 
 
 And break his morning s fast.
 
 11 
 XXIII. 
 
 For know the Rock House on the Sound, 
 Is famous all the wide world round, 
 
 For hospitable fore, 
 And that its landlord, to forestall 
 The epieurian wants of all, 
 
 Ransacks earth, sea, and air ; 
 
 XXIV. 
 
 And sets his tables groaning forth 
 With all the luxuries of the North, 
 
 As well as tropic clime- ; < 
 
 And all that wealth and taste aftbrd 
 To grace alike an ample board 
 
 With beauty and with wine. 
 
 XXV. 
 
 We register our names as follow : 
 
 I, " Peter Snooks, of Snookvillc Hollow, 
 
 Maecenas, " Count D Esprit," 
 And call for twenty things at once, 
 A brandy smash, a whisky punch, 
 
 A port-wine sangarec ; 
 
 XXVI. 
 
 Two lemonades with " sticks" to match, 
 Two " cobblers" without awl to scratch ; 
 
 Two " snifters" stiff and strong ; 
 Two " stoughtons," and two " brandies straight," 
 Two nags with a " two forty" gait, 
 
 To ride the hills amon<r.
 
 12 
 
 XX VII. 
 
 For Rock House nags arc said to be 
 As swift of foot as Mercury, 
 
 When wing d and girded tight, 
 Or swift as Puck, who, at his birth, 
 Could put a girdle round the earth, 
 
 In half an hour s flight ! 
 
 XXVIII. 
 
 I pray the " critics" not to stare, 
 I only speak of Upson s fare ; 
 
 What s said about his nags, 
 May or may not be wholly true, 
 Though if " Young Ed." could put em through, 
 
 He d no doubt take the " rags !" 
 
 XXIX. 
 
 But whether his nags be fast or slow, 
 One thing is certainly most true : 
 
 West Haven " saints" are faster, 
 And run a more successful race, 
 If not to win each Christian grace, 
 
 At least to win our laughter ! 
 
 XXX. 
 
 They re always on some rampage high, 
 Or in some tragic agony, 
 
 In hopes to make their way 
 To heaven through expiatory grace, 
 As if the devil had no place 
 
 Reserved for such as they !
 
 13 
 
 xxx r, 
 
 Deluded mortals ! they shall find 
 Ilia sooty majesty inclined 
 
 Erelong to do his will ; 
 To shower his tender mercies down 
 In fire and brimstone through iho town, 
 
 And give them all their fill 
 
 XXX II. 
 
 Of that most dietetic fare, 
 He has reserved for them in store : 
 
 To wit, gridiron steaks, 
 Cut from some tough old grisly boar, 
 Or from the rump of thief or liar, 
 
 Or other vile ingratcs, 
 
 xxxnr. 
 
 Doomed like Prometheus to bo torn 
 By vulturous beak from night t r !l morn, 
 
 AnJ still thiiir fbsh rpnow, 
 To gratify the insatiate maw 
 Of wretches that forever gnaw 
 
 At what they can t gnaw through ! 
 
 XXXIV. 
 
 For if beyond the Lethean wave, 
 West Haven " saints" are not to have 
 
 Their honest dues ; why, then 
 Sheer downright knavery ought to bo 
 Encouraged most emphatically, 
 
 By every poet s pen ! 
 2
 
 14 
 
 XXXV. 
 
 And hanging ought to be set forth 
 As recompense of honest worth, 
 A passport free to heaven ; 
 Such as the murderer might share 
 With every culprit, thief, and liar, 
 "Without a sin forgiven ! 
 
 XXXVI. 
 
 But to my TALE, which ought to be 
 Continuous with rascality; 
 
 Or rather, to the tangled thread 
 Of my poetical discourse, 
 Which runs at laiidom, like a horse 
 
 TY:o mettlesome to lead! 
 
 XXXVII. 
 
 Maecenas and myself have dined, 
 
 And what is better still, have " wined ;" 
 
 Which put us in such jovial vein, 
 That one would almost s \vear who knew us, 
 Twas Upson s fare alone that drew us 
 Prom Pluto s realm to earth again. 
 
 XXXVIII. 
 
 But this were libel on Maecenas, 
 As kissing Dido was on /Eneas, 
 
 Although the poet swears, 
 (I mean the Mantuan bard) that they 
 Kissed through the live-long night, till day 
 
 Swung wide its golden bars!
 
 15 
 
 XXXIX. 
 
 And were, beside?, a jump too far 
 At false conclusion; for the war 
 
 That now so desolates the land 
 With fire and sword and carnage wild, 
 Where slain on slain promiscuous piled, 
 
 Are seen on every hand, 
 
 XL. 
 
 Is what first drew us to the shores, 
 Famed for its literary "bores," 
 
 And intellectual women 
 Of the blue-stocking stripe, who share 
 The burdens of the State, and wear 
 
 All sorts of gear and trimming ! 
 
 XLI. 
 
 For instance, llie "coal-scuttle" bonnet, 
 With flaunting flowers enough upon it 
 
 To cover a prairie over, 
 And faces dimpling underneath 
 With smiles like Circe s, fraught with death, 
 
 To unsuspecting lover ! 
 
 XLH. 
 
 And " bloomer," worn by spinster maids, 
 To palm their drumsticks oft* for legs 
 
 On some greenhorn or other, 
 Who never dream pt before to see 
 Such (; sights" of rare " agility " 
 
 Displayed to friend or lover!
 
 1C 
 
 XLIII. 
 
 But fancied women folks wore made, 
 Like French preserves or marmalade, 
 
 Of sweatmcats rich and rare, 
 Whose virtues were to be concealed, 
 Or tasted only when revealed 
 
 At wedding, feast, or fair ! 
 
 XLIV. 
 
 But to my tale. Our dinner through, 
 We took a stroll a mile or two, 
 
 And came into the town, 
 Wherein we found a group of people 
 Inside a church without a steeple, 
 
 Putting " disunion" down ! 
 
 XLV. 
 
 The plan for doing this was new, 
 Novel, and most ingenious too, 
 
 As few with me will doubt ; 
 It was to keep the church together, 
 In every kind of wind and weather, 
 
 By keeping " Christians" out ! 
 
 XLVI. 
 
 And to prevent " secession," rule 
 All members out, however full 
 
 The church might chance to be ; 
 And then appoint an " agent sole," 
 With full and absolute control 
 
 Of all church property !
 
 17 
 
 XLVIt 
 
 With summary power to bar the doors, 
 Tear up the carpets from the floors, 
 
 And nail the windows down ; 
 Purloin the plate, the alter rive, 
 Smash stoves and organ pipe?, and drive 
 
 The parson out of town. 
 
 XLVIII. 
 
 Such powers as these were deemed to b.v 
 Essential to church unity ; 
 
 And if enforced in season, 
 Might save the church from every rent 
 The envious " Cascas " could invent, 
 
 With all their hated "treason"? 
 
 XLIX. 
 
 It seems the clerk, who read the law?, 
 Was posted up in all the flaws ; 
 
 Especially in this: 
 That none could ever member be 
 Of any church however free, 
 Without request of his, 
 
 L. 
 
 First duly and in writing made, 
 (Before some legal meeting had,) 
 
 To clerk or clerk pro (em.; 
 And run the gauntlet of a vot<-, 
 Or chances of a nem. con. note, 
 
 Entered by clerkly pen.
 
 19 
 
 LI. 
 
 Discovering this most potent flaw, 
 Latent or patent in the law, 
 
 This astute Christian clerk, 
 With pious motive, not for pelf, 
 At once devoutly set himself 
 
 With three M. D s to work ! 
 
 LJI. 
 
 The church though small had grown to be 
 Quite rich in gifts and legacy, 
 
 And hence they all decide 
 (I mean the clerk and three M. D s) 
 To keep the records and the keys 
 
 Where none could filch or hide ; 
 
 LIU. 
 
 Or rather none but such as they, 
 Who could, tis said, both filch and pray 
 
 Devoutly for the nonce; 
 Or wear an equally long face 
 At shaving notes, or saying grace, 
 
 Or doing both at once. 
 
 LIV-. 
 
 But there was still another "flaw 5 , 
 Or rather, stubborn fact of law, 
 
 Which made them ill at ease ; 
 And it was this, (the fact I state 
 To show their case was desperate,} 
 
 The parson had the keys!
 
 LV. 
 
 This was a " clincher" to the clerk, 
 A.9 he had learned from lawyer Q-r.rk, 
 
 The manJDf quip and ftaw ; 
 Who from his musty books had found 
 Possession, with the keys, was crowned 
 
 As " nine points of the law. " 
 
 LVI. 
 
 But " nothing venture, nothing have , 
 Was BA*iv*-t s motto; so he gave 
 
 Direction to purloin the keys 
 To Dr. A-k^e, who chanced to bo 
 The biggest rascal of the three. 
 
 That is. t,be three M, DV. 
 
 LVH. 
 
 But not the biggest ot the four, 
 As you ll admit with me before 
 
 You ve read my " Knaviad" through} 
 For though the doctor s sins were rank 
 And smelt to heaven, he was frank, 
 
 And true to friend as foe. 
 
 LVIII. 
 
 Not so with B n t. He could smile 
 On friend or foe with equal guile, 
 
 And stab with equal grace 
 A Christian friend behind his back, 
 Or heathen foe upon his track, 
 
 If not met face to face.
 
 20 
 
 LIX. 
 
 His neighbors often wondered why 
 He never looked .them iu the eye, 
 
 And guessed the cause in vain ; 
 For diagnosis would have shown 
 Them this disease, and this alone 
 
 Strabismus on (he brain ! 
 
 LX. 
 
 Or "mental squinting," much the same 
 As what we sec in certain game, 
 
 For instance, in the ounce ; 
 Or in sly reynard, which, pursued 
 By hound and hunter through the wood, 
 
 Looks forty ways at once ! 
 
 LX1. 
 
 But A - ! : *- s soon found his task to be 
 More difficult than either he 
 
 Or B^t-n-^thad surmised, 
 For parson Z-41had "smelt the rat," 
 Or rather guessed what they were at> 
 
 With all their craft disguised. 
 
 LXI1. 
 
 And so he went, as rumor states, 
 And of his keys got duplicates, 
 
 To guard against surprise ; 
 And had them safely laid away 
 Against what s called a "rainy day/ 
 
 In metaphor s disguise.
 
 21 
 
 LXIII. 
 
 But time rolled on as time will roll. 
 When there s no Joshua of old 
 
 To stay its fiery car, 
 And soon it brought them, in its course, 
 The appointed hour to rehears 3 
 
 The music of the choir. 
 
 LXIV. 
 
 Forth to the parsonage they go, 
 The doctor and his -doxies" two. 
 
 All of the choir of course ; 
 And chuckling hugely in their sleeves, 
 Say to the pa"so:i, "By your leaves 
 
 The keys, sir, to rehearse !" 
 
 LXV. 
 
 The parson blandly hands them to ern, 
 (How could he help it, since he knew em 
 
 All of ttie choir to be I) 
 When, after taking time to sing. 
 They hand him back his "private" string, 
 
 Minus the church-door key. 
 
 LXV I. 
 
 "With this adroitly-managed theft, 
 There s nothing more," bays IK^n^t, "left 
 
 For us, the church, to do ; 
 We ve got em in the nine holes tight 
 And now we ll put this lawyer Wrff ht 
 
 Ar.d parlor, Z-^-ll both through !
 
 LXVII. 
 
 On Sunday next they ll fmd the churcl* 
 Has kindly left them in the lurch, 
 
 With all their gifts of grace; 
 Without so much as a dormouse 
 To svelcomc them within the house, 
 
 So snug we ve got the place. 
 
 LXVI1I. 
 
 I5u_{ S hi- n w in su -car and Wr-^-ht will curse, 
 
 And parson Z-&-11 do something worse, 
 
 Neglect his daily prayers ; 
 While Mrs. Z. will vent her spleen, 
 Look daggers at us o er the green, 
 
 And put on queenly airs ! 
 
 LX1X. 
 
 "Next Sunday morn will see 1 em scarce., 
 Or rather see a downright farce 
 
 Verging on tragic mood ; 
 Some fifty Z llites tearing mad, 
 And swearing vengeance on the head 
 
 Of B-^-n t and ot W d . 
 
 LXX. 
 
 " Twill l>e a most stupendous joke, 
 
 And how they ll rave, and fume, and choke, 
 
 With their im vented spleen; 
 Twould pay for pilgrimage to Rome, 
 Only to see the Z-^llites come 
 
 Next Sunday, on the green."
 
 LXXL 
 
 And B^n^t rubbed his hands the while, 
 And grinned a most sardonic smile, 
 
 (Satan might do as much.) 
 Yes, grinned a "ghastly smile." and swore 
 He never laughed as much before, 
 
 Inside or out of Church ! 
 
 Lxxir. 
 
 It was arranged they all should be 
 At B^-n-^t s house, the farce to see, 
 
 Early on Sunday morn; 
 And when the hour for church came round, 
 The knavish conclave all were found 
 
 There, jubilant "in a horn!" 
 
 LXXIII. 
 
 For hardly had they got together, 
 
 And made their comments on the weather, 
 
 Before they saw the. smoke 
 <T!O curling from the chimney flue 
 In merry wreaths, as if it knew 
 
 The purport of their -joke !" 
 
 LXXIV. 
 
 And then the Church s merry bell 
 Pealed forth its laughter loud and shrill, 
 
 And made the very air 
 Sonorous with its mirthful glee, 
 As if in merriment to see 
 
 The "Jeremy Diddlers" stare !
 
 LXXV. 
 
 As stare they did through window pane, 
 With lowering looks, as o er the green 
 
 They saw the Z-Mlites go 
 And enter straight within the door, 
 AVhose lock was never poked before, 
 
 By craft of imp below ! 
 
 LXXVI. 
 
 The doctor s horse tied to a post 
 
 In front of U-^n-^-t s, .seemed quite lost, 
 
 Amid the general stare 
 And wonderment the house was in; 
 And champed his bit with bitter grin, 
 
 O er his post-prandial fare! 
 
 LXXVIJ. 
 
 And E^^i-^-Cs dog ran yelping forth, 
 
 Reflecting all his master s wrath 
 Gainst every cur that past; 
 And finding nothing else to bite, 
 Grew fierce and furious at the sight 
 Of his own tail at last, 
 
 LXXVIII. 
 
 Which seizing fast within his teetii, 
 As some vile thing deserving death, 
 
 He gave it such a gripe, 
 That, like his master s lengthened laughter, 
 His tail was curtailed ever after, 
 
 Or vanished out of sight!
 
 25 
 
 LXXIX. 
 
 And as the story spread abroad, 
 The town froin end to end guffawed 
 
 Incessantly on Monday ; 
 And grinned a universal grin, 
 To think how D n t s "laugh" came in 
 
 So lacrymose on Sunday ! 
 
 LXXX. 
 
 But every farce must have an end, 
 As every river has a bend, 
 
 And every youth a " bender ;" 
 
 t / 
 
 And now the clerk decides to call 
 Another meeting, to make all 
 Opposed to them surrender, 
 
 LXXXI. 
 
 Or " strike their colors " in the fight, 
 Whether or not within the right; 
 
 And so he posts a call 
 On all such members, good and true, 
 As had been " legally " put through, 
 
 To meet at church or hall. 
 
 LXXXI1. 
 
 The day at length arrived, and they, 
 The astute clerk and M. D s. three, 
 
 Came promptly up to time; 
 A^s, who d been chairman once before, 
 Could find no chair, so took the floor, 
 
 Looking both gruff and grim. 
 3
 
 26 
 
 LXXXIII. 
 
 He said the meeting wished to know 
 
 What parson Z-^-ll was going to do, 
 
 Resign or keep at work, 
 Against the wishes of Me C*fc rjr, 
 W^-d, ( seven-by-nine apothecary,) 
 
 Hi-u-e, W^n-4w\ and the clerk! 
 
 LXXX1V. 
 
 These, with himself, he claimed to be 
 The church in toto and per sc ; 
 
 The rest were mere outsiders, 
 With no more right to worship there, 
 Or vote for minister or choir, 
 
 Than other church deriders. 
 
 LXXXV. 
 
 This little outside fling or slur, 
 Brought lawyer Wr-+-fht upon the floor, 
 
 A churchman " clad in mail," 
 Who hurled such thundering vollies forth, 
 Of adjectives and direful wrath, 
 
 As made the " conclave " quail. 
 
 LXXXVI. 
 He told them to their teeth ou right, 
 
 He d have his rights cost what they might, 
 
 No force should put him down, 
 Nor artifice nor trickster s tricks, 
 And if it came to blows and kicks, 
 He d see the thing " tried on."
 
 27 
 
 LXXXVII. 
 
 The " conclave" tried, but tried in vain, 
 To thump him down with heel and cane, 
 
 Mid cries of " Order," " Order ;" 
 His voice still swept above the din, 
 And wild confusion they were in, 
 
 As bugle swept the Border, 
 
 LXXXVIII, 
 
 When furious clansmen, Rallying forth, 
 Scoured those regions of the North 
 
 Where recreant foemen came, 
 All worthy of an honest glaive ; 
 And not like skulking, coward knave, 
 
 Too dastardly to name. 
 
 LXXXIX. 
 
 But nothing daunted there he stood, 
 Confronting B^n^t. A-wfc, and W^d, 
 
 As hound confronts a pack 
 Of prairie wolves the brindled breed, 
 Who ravenous and full of greed, 
 
 All honest courage lack. 
 
 XC. 
 
 For hours, tis said, he kept the floor. 
 And might have kept it many more, 
 
 Or till the crack of doom, 
 For ought they knew ; and so to-turn 
 The tables on him, they adjourn 
 
 Over to B-^-n-^t s room.
 
 28 
 
 XCI. 
 
 The " conclave" gone, order began 
 To reign in Warsaw ; and there ran 
 
 A murmur of applause 
 Throughout the church to see them go, 
 And all cried out, " Good riddance to 
 
 The marplots and their cause." 
 
 XCIF. 
 
 The shuffling knaves gone from the pack, 
 The church once more may welcome back 
 
 Her former Christian graces ; 
 No choir to giggle during prayers, 
 No Dr. A^*s to smoke cigars 
 
 Or make up monkey faces, 
 
 XCIII. 
 
 No loud " ahems !" when members went 
 To kneel at holy sacrament, 
 
 No peering through a hat, 
 Nor greeting of the Bishop s prayer 
 For Peace and Union, with the sneer 
 
 " Never amen to that !" 
 
 XCIV. 
 
 Such vile disturbances as these, 
 Approved of in the galleries 
 
 By B^n-^-t, W^d, and others, 
 Were straightway trumpeted abroad. 
 To show how Z-*-ll must be abhored 
 
 By all his Christian brothers !
 
 29 
 
 XCV. 
 
 Tis said a vain and stupid ass 
 Once for u lion tried to pas*, 
 
 The monarch of the plain, 
 And so he got a lion s skin 
 To wrap his valliant carcass in, 
 
 And brayed with might and main. 
 
 XCV I. 
 
 But the impostcr was no dovibt 
 Known by his long cars peering out ; 
 
 So with the knaves I mention, 
 Who stole the livery of the court 
 Of heaven, as a last resorf, 
 
 Tt serve the devil in ! 
 
 xcvu. 
 
 But hero the Muse would improvise 
 A strain or two on Il-t-tt-^e I-^-s, 
 
 The doctor s famed soprano, 
 Or rather on the famous choir 
 In which she giggled during prayer, 
 
 Mid fumes of rank Ilabano, 
 
 XCVJII. 
 
 Hark ! the music, how they snort it ! 
 Duet, trio, quintet, quartet, 
 
 All in one tremendous wave ; 
 Voices quivering, voices quavering, 
 Voices trembling, voices shaking, 
 
 All up and down the stave! 
 2*
 
 30 
 
 XCIX. 
 
 How they now relieve their throat* 
 Of their nasal-twanging notes, 
 
 Ye gods ! what music flows ! 
 Enough to make one "soar away 
 To rapture and eternal clay," 
 
 Mid their ecstatic throes ! 
 
 C. 
 
 Oh, ye shades of Haydn, Mozart ! 
 Yours was but a vulgar prose-art, 
 
 When compared to theirs ; 
 With diminished heads knock under 
 To the more harmonious thunder 
 
 Of Dr. A^s s choirs ! 
 
 CI. 
 
 But the muse has no desire 
 To exhaust her treasured fire 
 
 On Becthoevens here ; 
 She would rather make a dash on 
 Something more in vogue or fashion. 
 
 For this humbug year. 
 
 CII. 
 
 For instance, on a certain "vile 
 Apothecary," full of bile, 
 
 Lampooned by "honest Will," 
 I mean Will Shakespeare, in whose muge 
 All rascals get their honest dues, 
 
 And get them to their fill.
 
 31 
 
 CUT. 
 
 This nostrum vender, it is said, 
 For honest inventory, had 
 
 "A beggarly account 
 Of empty boxes," labelled ever 
 With scraps of Latin, just to cover 
 
 Their emptiness about ! 
 
 CIV. 
 
 And was withal, lean, lank, and shriveled, 
 And what was more, a little driveled 
 
 About his upper story, 
 Or in his "attic;" though his tongue 
 Was on a perfect swivel hung, 
 
 And ran to oratory ! 
 
 cv. 
 
 He used to talk so wondrous wise, 
 Use words of such equestrian size, 
 
 And look withal so grim, 
 The common people stood agape 
 In wonder that his "pericarp" 
 
 Contained so much within ! 
 
 CVI. 
 
 And yet, tis said, his brains ran forth 
 In empty nothings nothing worth ; 
 
 Or ambled like a nag 
 That has the spring-halt "on the brain," 
 Or in each limb and joint the same 
 
 As in each limping leg !
 
 32 
 
 CVlf. 
 
 Some envious neighbors here and there, 
 Familiar with this "Shakespeare rare," 
 
 And with his avis rare, 
 Would point to one of Z-Mi s chief foes, 
 And say within themselves, there goes 
 
 That "vile apothecary 
 
 CVIII. 
 
 But to return. The meeting through, 
 It was arranged, and that in \iew 
 
 Of sundry thefts committed, 
 To keep a cautious watch that night, 
 And see that every thing was "right," 
 
 Or rather duly ( W) righted! 
 
 C1X. 
 
 So they appointed a committee. 
 And forthwith sent into the city, 
 
 To get a look and key, 
 With which to make the church door fast, 
 Against each arrant knave that past, 
 
 In quest of robbery ! 
 
 CX. 
 
 But while at this, the "agent sole" 
 Came down "like wolf upon the fold," 
 
 And ordered all to leave 
 The church forthwith, or have their nifeJ 
 Of law and warrant visited 
 
 Upon them, past retrieve !
 
 33 
 
 CXI. 
 
 As law nor warrant he had none, 
 They promptly bid him to be gone, 
 
 But showed htm first the door; 
 And when the "agent sole" went forth, 
 The "church from out ihe church, in wrath, 
 
 He threatened all the more. 
 
 CXII. 
 
 And soon returned with Dr. A^s, 
 Holding new penalties and pains 
 
 O er each recusant head, 
 Demanding "seizin" of his own, 
 Since he comprised the church alone, 
 
 As "agent aforesaid !" 
 
 CXII I. 
 
 Ha^-tsh^-n he laughed, and Wr-^ht he looked, 
 As if in "seizin" he was booked, 
 
 And jokingly replied, 
 If B^u-^t was the church alone, 
 The church outside the church they d turn, 
 
 And see what was inside ! 
 
 exiv. 
 
 Night s .-able dragons soon came down 
 To swart the air about the town, 
 
 And revel in its gloom ; 
 To close the eye-lids of the day, 
 Seal up the past eternity, 
 
 Or bide the crack of doom.
 
 34 
 
 cxv. 
 
 Within the church, whose solemn nave 
 Had neither arch nor architrave, 
 
 Nor spire nor dome for cover, 
 Three persons sat the long night through, 
 The one to watch the other two, 
 
 The two to watch the other. 
 
 CXV I. 
 
 These three, were B^n^-t, A -^s, and Wr 
 Whose deeds of choler to indite 
 
 The Muse will now proceed. 
 Though of material she has none 
 But what u Dame Rumor" seized upon, 
 
 As through the town she sped. 
 
 cxvir. 
 
 A&^s, freed from matrimonial halter, 
 Seeks refuge first within the altar, 
 
 Then barricades the door ; 
 While Wr lit, as if to s-how his spunk, 
 Extemporizes, first a bunk," 
 
 And then, lays down to snore ! 
 
 CXV1II. 
 
 Meanwhile the " church " or :t agent sJa, 
 Goes forth to skirmish or patrol 
 
 His parish precincts through, 
 In hopes, with aid of boy and horse, 
 To rally forth sufficient force 
 
 To force Wr 4it from his pew.
 
 35 
 
 CXIX. 
 
 But first (the fact I ought to mention,) 
 His "burning" coal-pit needs attention; 
 
 So forthwith he essays 
 To smother the fires the pit within, 
 But not the fires that fire him, 
 
 And set him all a-blaze! 
 
 cxx. 
 
 And after having squelched the flames 
 Within the pit, he thought of A 1tii *s, 
 
 And then of Dr. W"-d, 
 And somehow coupled in his mind 
 All three together, as you bind 
 
 A tense to varying mood ! 
 
 CXXl. 
 
 And then he thought- the night was dark- 
 How mad and fiercely rose each spark 
 
 From out his pit on fire; 
 How blue the flaine*, and how malign 
 The light they gave, and then, in fine, 
 
 lie thought of his own ire ! 
 
 CXXII. 
 
 And wondered if the fiends below 
 Had any thing at all to do 
 
 With this night s work of theirs ; 
 And here his dog set up a howl, 
 A* if some dismal ghost or ghoul 
 
 Were flaying both his ears !
 
 36 
 
 CXXIII. 
 
 He found his knees were getting weak, 
 And when ho mustered strength to speak 
 
 At length to his own cur, 
 His tongue was absolutely glued 
 Between his lips, and like his blood 
 
 Seemed powerless to stir ! 
 
 CXXIY. 
 
 But he returns at length to find 
 The doctor watering his mind 
 
 With consecrated grape, 
 Which he, no doubt, had tali en freely, 
 To judge him from his really reely, 
 
 Locomotive slate ! 
 
 cxxv. 
 
 It seems the doctor felt quite sure 
 Of wine behind the vestry door, 
 
 Within the parson s cupboard ; 
 And hoping not to find it " bore," 
 Or void of all intrinsic fare, 
 
 As did "Old Mother Hubbard," 
 
 CVXX1. 
 
 The famous one she looked into ; 
 
 He promptly smashed the cupboard through, 
 
 And lo ! there met his eye 
 Two jolly dimijohns quite full, 
 At which he took a lengthened pull, 
 
 Or " swig upon the sly. "
 
 37 
 
 CXXV1I. 
 
 And now they crack their stalest jokes 
 O n Z-^ll arid sundry other folks, 
 Especially on Wr^-ht, 
 
 V 
 
 Whom they could represent full well 
 As being the " sleepy sentinel, " 
 Upon that wakeful night. 
 
 CXXV111. 
 
 At this stale joke, Wr*4ht gives a snore 
 That shakes the rafter?, to ignore 
 
 His truly wakeful state ; 
 Then, to suppress his laughter, blows 
 A blast terrific from his nose, 
 
 Their mirth to irrigate ! 
 
 CXX1X. 
 
 A while thus spent, and Dr. W-^d 
 Drops in to see what state the feud, 
 
 Or church broil, might be in ; 
 And ratling of a " yarn" or two 
 Of his own manufacture, threw 
 
 Himself into a grin. 
 
 CXXX. 
 
 If grin it might be called that drew 
 His face into a rat-tailed screw, 
 
 Less round perhaps than thin ; 
 And made him look for all the world, 
 As if a monkey s tail wero quirled, 
 
 In spirals, round his chin ! 
 4
 
 38 
 
 CXXXI. 
 
 The doctor s stay was short and brief; 
 He had no doubt a vague belief 
 
 There d be a bloody fight ; 
 And so he tore himself away, 
 To fight prehaps another day, 
 
 But not upon that night. 
 
 CXXXII. 
 
 This " brave apothecary " gone, 
 Ba>u.Lt and A^Ms are left alone, 
 
 With Wr^4-ht, the seventh doser ; 
 And though they plan on plan propose 
 To thrust him forth, or tweak his nose, 
 
 Each plan but proves a " poser." 
 
 CXXXIII. 
 
 j\M.s swears he s armed up to his teeth, 
 With dirks, revolvers, knives and death, 
 
 And thinks his sleep a sham; 
 A lure to lead to bloody brawl, 
 Or possibly to hi$ own fall 
 
 By punctured diaphragm ! 
 
 CXXXIV. 
 
 He thinks the " agent " ought to try 
 To raise " recruits," or send a spy 
 
 Into his " bunk " or camp, 
 And seize all weapons " contraband 
 Of war " that he may have on hand, 
 
 And " confiscate " the scamp !
 
 30 
 
 CXXXV. 
 
 But as the fate of every spy 
 Is death by halter, Hainan-high, 
 
 They both declined to go 
 Within his camp, but hit the plan 
 Of " forced conscription to a man, 
 
 The parish precincts through ! 
 
 CXXXV f. 
 
 So B ft * r n-*A scours the parish wide, 
 
 From Painter s Rocks to " Dew-Drop " sido, 
 
 But scour?, alas, in vain ! 
 For as in love, so those in war. 
 Once hoisted with their own pctanL 
 
 Refuse to fight again. 
 
 CXXXVII. 
 
 After a fruitless night half spent 
 Upon the errand he was bent, 
 
 The " church " returns at last; 
 And getting down from off its crupper, 
 Gets up a reverent oyster supper, 
 
 For A^s and its repast ! 
 
 CXXXVIII. 
 
 ThiSj being reverently brought 
 Where no live oyster ever thought 
 
 Of being brought before, 
 (To wit, within the chancel.) they, 
 The "church" and A^s, gulp down, and say, 
 
 <v By heavens! how Wr-4-ht does snore !
 
 40 
 
 CXXX1X. 
 
 As snore he did with might and main, 
 Since playing "possum" was his game 
 
 With knaves, in church. or out ; 
 And when the first faint streaks of day- 
 Revealed the game that they would play. 
 
 His " possum eyes -were shut ! 
 
 CXL. 
 
 Failing to get the aid they sought 
 Within the church to help them out, 
 
 They go to parson Bry^n, 
 Or rather to his church, and get 
 Two " bullies," square-built and thick-set. 
 
 Their strength their foe to try on ! 
 
 CXLI. 
 Seeing this " bully " force arrayed 
 
 Within the church, Wr-^-ht undismayed, 
 v 
 
 Arose from out his " bunk ;" 
 Yet for a moment rubbed his eyes, 
 As if quite taken by surprise, 
 
 Or "slightually" drunk! 
 
 CXLI!. 
 
 And then he drew from out his pocket 
 A knife with a tremendous socket, 
 
 Yet more tremendous blade ; 
 And coolly picked his teeth, to show 
 The uses it could be put to 
 
 In peace, as bloody raid !
 
 41 
 
 CXLIII. 
 
 The "church" now takes another tack. 
 
 Resolves itself, itself to sack, 
 
 Or gut from stem to stern; 
 And seizing every tiling in sight, 
 In way of movables, but Wr*-f-ht, 
 
 V 
 
 The church outride they turn ! 
 
 CXLIV. 
 
 So having cleared the church at last, 
 And nailed the windows tight and fast, 
 
 And the old organ smashed ; 
 They undertake to try their strength 
 Upon the stalwart Wr-^-ht at length, 
 
 Whose eyes indignant flashed. 
 
 CXLV. 
 
 \Vitliin the vestibule he stood 
 Jn"sullen, grim, and wrathful rnood. 
 
 And eyed his Iocs askance ; 
 Deeming the five but half a match 
 Jn any honest fight or scratch, 
 
 Where " science " had a chance ! 
 
 CXLV1. 
 
 But he no doubt mistook their aim, 
 
 In fancying " bully" W rt d was "game," 
 
 For the first blow he gave 
 Was "foul," as any knave would swear, 
 Who e er saw fight at "Donnie Fair, 
 
 Or wore an honest glaive ! 
 4*
 
 42 
 
 CXLVII. 
 
 Instead of sparring for the nonce ; 
 Like " loons" they all pitched in atonoe, 
 
 Which made him still more wrotb, 
 And when they seized him by the hair, 
 It no doubt made him rip and swear 
 
 A most unchristian oatli ! 
 
 cxLviir. 
 
 The fight waxed furiously at last ; 
 Heels flew in air, and blows fell fast, 
 
 And louder grew the din ; 
 Twas evident a storm was brewing, 
 Potent alike of wrath and ruin, 
 
 That gray old church within ! 
 
 CXLIX. 
 
 But every contest has its close 
 When once it comes to direful blows, 
 
 What e er its end or aim; 
 Though five to one is such a tussle, 
 Was rather shabbier proof of muscle, 
 
 Than some might care to claim ! 
 
 CL 
 
 And now the story of the fight 
 Goes forth in colors all bedight. 
 
 And flics from door to door ; 
 Each rumor follows rumor s track, 
 And in its turn comes hurrying back 
 
 With fifty rumors more I
 
 43 
 
 CLI. 
 
 As when a patient chanced to throw 
 Up something once just like a crow, 
 
 In color not in feather, 
 Forthwith from house to house it flew 
 That ho had vomited up two 
 
 Prodigious crows together! 
 
 CUT. 
 
 So now the story flew abroad 
 That Wr hi had flogged the " bully " 
 
 And half a dozen more ; 
 And from >the nave within the church, 
 Had given all the knaves the lurch, 
 
 By bolting through the door ! 
 
 CLIII. 
 
 That, with his spectacles on nose, 
 He dealt such furious, blinding blows 
 
 Upon each separate sconce, 
 That they went staggering o er the green, 
 As if their dubious eyes had seen 
 
 A" thousand stars at once ! 
 
 CUV. 
 
 But this no doubt exaggerates 
 As to the blows upon their pate*, 
 
 For they could never bear it ; 
 Although tis true, when WiN-v-ht first threw 
 His left at "bully " W^d, he drew 
 
 Full half a rmig of claret !
 
 44 
 
 CLV. 
 
 But this was not so " foul " a blow 
 
 As that which knocked the cupboard through., 
 
 The very night before ; 
 Nor was it quite so foul a crime 
 As guzzKng consecrated wine 
 
 Behind the vestry door ! 
 
 CLV I. 
 
 This skriinmage over, parson Z-^-ll 
 Writes to the Bishop what befell 
 
 His church upon that night ; 
 Imploring him, by all that s good, 
 To visit his vile neighborhood, 
 
 And " exorcise " it quite ! 
 
 CLVII. 
 
 The " conclave" also write to know 
 Jf B^n-^-t, or their " church," can t do 
 
 Whatever their church pleases; 
 And seem to be in quite a huff, 
 To think when B^n-^t takes his snuff , 
 
 "Pis not the church that sneeze* ! 
 
 CLV III. 
 
 The Bishop hastens to report, 
 That he ll immediately resott 
 
 To this recusant charge, 
 With four Assessors to decide 
 Wl at they shall do, by what abide, 
 
 In church affairs at large.
 
 45 
 
 CLIX. 
 
 The day appointed, he arrives, 
 
 And takes the -church" quite by surprise, 
 
 As he demands the keys 
 And all church muniments, t j show 
 That B n t and the church are two, 
 
 In his, the Bishop s eyes. 
 
 CLX. 
 
 He brings along Assessors four, 
 
 All grave and reverend, with the power 
 
 To sit with him and try 
 This "case," so knotty and so full 
 Of "legal" points, that one might pull 
 
 A hundred o er each eye ! 
 
 CLXI. 
 
 Two doctors and two reverends, from 
 The nearest or adjacent town, 
 
 Make up the board of triers ; 
 Their names I ought perhaps to state, 
 To make the record as complete 
 
 As history requires ! 
 
 CLX 1 1. 
 
 BtLi ds-^y, II**w-^d, Dr-^n and 
 All quite reverend and used to 
 
 Questions vexed and knotty, 
 Sit with the Bishop, reverend seignior, 
 In lofty, sad, yet stern demeanor, 
 
 On this case so "spotty
 
 46 
 
 CLXIII. 
 
 And leprous with disease and death, 
 To all church increase, life, and wealth, 
 
 As well as Christian graces ; 
 And for six mortal hours, they 
 Question, deliberate, and pray, 
 
 With fixed, repellant faces ! 
 
 CLXIV. 
 
 They sternly question B-"-n-^-t first, 
 And wish to know what "fiend accurst" 
 
 Inspired this deadly feud ; 
 He, slinking down into his boots, 
 With voice scarce audible, deputes 
 
 For speaker Dr. W-^d ! 
 
 CLXV. 
 
 The doctor tries to state their caso, 
 But "brings up" in a wild-goose chase, 
 
 Or helter-skelter ramble; 
 A kind of mental steeple-chasing, 
 Where horses "of all sorts" are racing 
 
 In one wild skimble-skamble ! 
 
 CLXVI. 
 
 Tis "point all no point" in his mind, 
 Or mental labor of that kind, 
 
 Lampooned in fable nice, 
 Showing how hand the mountains strain. 
 And how prolific is their pain, 
 
 When they give birth to mice !
 
 47 
 
 CLXVII. 
 
 Of parson Z 11 he speaks quite chary, 
 Yet claims to be as really sorry 
 
 To part with him as any ; 
 He s liked him long, and woull like longer, 
 If he was what he should be younger, 
 
 With all Ins gifts so many. 
 
 CLXVJI1. 
 
 An upright, stainless life he led, 
 A Christian both in word and deed, 
 
 A man who lived for heaven ; 
 But, as a preacher, quite too slow 
 For certain " fast " ones here below, 
 
 By devil " in tandem driven ! 
 
 CLX1X. 
 
 For in this age of fire and smoke, 
 A man must strike a mightier stroke 
 
 Than e er old Vulcan did, 
 And forge a bolt to hurl at sin, 
 Louder and hotter than all within. 
 
 The bowels of ^Etna hid ! 
 
 CLXX. 
 
 To save a soul is not enough ; 
 Man s vengeance is of sterner stuff, 
 
 He makes a hell of fire, 
 And down its liquid crata hurls 
 The victims of a thousand worlds, 
 
 To gratify his ire !
 
 48 
 
 CLXXI. 
 
 Why, then, should not good parson Z-ll 
 Extemporize a half-way hell, 
 
 For those who live too " slow/ 
 
 Who do not put away their wives, 
 
 f^8 
 Or play the wanton like Miss ^ t-&t 
 
 With every grass- fed beau ! 
 
 CLXXII. 
 
 Who do not show themselves to be 
 Experts in all rascality, 
 
 Liars on every taek ; 
 Professing friendship to the face, 
 Yet stabbing with a Christian grace 
 
 Behind each Christian back ! 
 
 CLXXII I. 
 
 Who do not grasp at every dime 
 The widow holds against such time 
 
 As she may make her will ; 
 Or curse the clergyman who gave 
 Such timely warning as to save 
 
 The purse of widow *> ^ ! 
 
 CLXXI V. 
 
 Who do not drive ! two forty " nags, 
 And run against all proper " snags" 
 
 In journeying their lives through ; 
 Who do not " high old rampage" have 
 At times, with wine and nymphs depave, 
 
 As all "crack" fellows do!
 
 49 
 
 CLXXV. 
 
 Who do not talk of " honor bright," 
 Yet put all honor out of sight 
 
 The moment honor s due ; 
 And boast of " honest triumphs" had 
 With unsophisticated maid, 
 
 As beautiful as true ! 
 
 CLXXVI. 
 
 Who do not pick an honest purse, 
 At dice or cards, or something worse, 
 
 When their exchequer s low ; 
 Or make their " governors " come down 
 At proper times with their last crown, 
 
 Their proper love to show ! 
 
 CLXXVII. 
 
 Such " sloth " as this shows little grace, 
 In such a purely Christian place 
 
 As this is said to be, 
 And argues want of Christian " blood, 11 
 And that most mettlesome of food 
 
 Fresh bivalves from the sea ! 
 
 CLXXVII f. 
 
 And then, tis said, the parson s daughter 
 Got married as she " had nt ought to," 
 
 In the old fashioned way,] 
 To one she really loved, and not 
 To one she merely meant to spot" 
 
 Upon his wedding day. 
 5
 
 50 
 
 CLXXIX. 
 
 In doing this, she d really given 
 A bad example to West Haven, 
 
 That might contagious prove, 
 And lead some unsophisticated. 
 Shallow maidens, to get mated 
 
 To those they truly love ! 
 
 CLXXX. 
 
 We all can see that this would lead 
 To consequences grave indeed, 
 
 Since disobedient daughters 
 Might first impose upon the State 
 Expenses ruinously great 
 
 By multiplying paupers, 
 
 cr.xxxr. 
 
 And then subject our needy church, 
 To be once more left in the lurch 
 For want of funds to carry ; 
 And all because these daughters choose 
 Their " opportunities " to loose 
 When they decide to marry ! 
 
 CLXXXII. 
 
 Not that Miss Z. had married poor, 
 Or mated with a " country boor ;" 
 
 It quite the contrary proved, 
 But she defiantly had dared 
 To marry, as her future " laird," 
 
 One whom she really loved !
 
 51 
 
 CLXXXIII. 
 
 This was her great offence too great 
 To be forgiven by church or state, 
 
 In their most potent need 
 Of funds to fill contractor s purses ; 
 And hence, the direful, bitter curses 
 
 Now heaped upon her head. 
 
 CLXXXIV. 
 
 Oh, age of folly age of gold ! 
 
 To see your daughters bought and sold 
 
 Like Ethiopeun slave ! 
 Just to replete an empty purse, 
 Or what is infinitely worse 
 
 Consign them to their grave ! 
 
 CLXXXV. 
 
 Or rather to their living tomb, 
 
 "Where light of heaven shall never come, 
 
 Nor love shall ever bless, 
 But hate, eternal hate, preside, 
 In all her rankling state of pride, 
 
 As well as bitterness ! 
 
 CLXXXV I. 
 
 But to return (o W^d s discourse; 
 No case was ever stated worse, 
 
 Or half so lamely put; 
 lie cut and haggled it throughout, 
 As one who maladroiily sought 
 
 To hide a cloven foot !
 
 52 
 
 CLXXXVII. 
 
 Twas all the reverend gents, could do 
 To keep their faces reverent through 
 
 The harrangue, or thereafter ; 
 And when he finished up at last, 
 They bit their lips to keep them fast, 
 
 Against a burst of laughter !. 
 
 CLXXXVIII. 
 
 The case upon the other side, 
 
 Was briefly this : They all had tried, 
 
 But tried in vain, to get 
 Their legal rights, and now they brought 
 Their case before the Assessor s Court, 
 
 To have it squarely met. 
 
 CLXXXIX. 
 
 The church at least were five to one 
 In favor of still going on 
 
 "Without a charge of role, 
 And hence, the only point, if any, 
 Was who should rule, the few or many, 
 
 The church or " agent sole." 
 
 CXC. 
 
 The Assessors now the case review, 
 Ana manage after an hour or two, 
 
 To bring in their report ; 
 In which they happily decide 
 The point, " twixt north and northeast side," 
 
 And cut the sordian knot!
 
 CXCI. 
 
 That is to say, they first condemn 
 All that the "conclave" did, and then 
 
 Endorse all they had done ; 
 And as a $ f jlvo, then invite 
 The many who are in the riglit, 
 
 To graceful! v succumb ! 
 
 CXCI I. 
 
 The friends of X-^ll looked blank and gruro, 
 And thought it very like a hum. 
 Or more like splitting hairs, 
 Though splint of hair they could nt see 
 Twixt tweedledum and tweedledee. 
 As did the reNcrend triers! 
 
 CXCIII. 
 
 But they decide a little further, 
 As separating this from t other, 
 
 That parson Z-^-ll must not 
 Recall his resignation made, 
 But have his salary all paid 
 
 To Easter on the spot. 
 
 CXCIV. 
 
 And this was to be raised in full 
 By contribution from the whole 
 
 His friends as well as foes ; 
 With power to do it by committee, 
 Seloctcd from the t.v.vn or city, 
 
 As they, the whole, might choose!
 
 54 
 
 cxcv. 
 
 But it so happened that the " whole " 
 Decided, if the power to rule 
 
 Was only in the " few," 
 They d let the " said committee " slide 
 And leave the rulers to provide 
 
 The salary now due ! 
 
 CXCVI. 
 
 And to these rulers, it is said, 
 Each one advances, first a " red," 
 
 To answer the award ; 
 And then advises them to sec 
 The balance raised immediately, 
 
 As times are getting hard ! 
 
 cxcvn. 
 
 The balance comes like pulling teeth, 
 Or rather like a lingering death, 
 
 When life is in its noon ; 
 And makes the purse and wallet groan, 
 As when some reckless spendthrift s drawn 
 
 On his last picayune ! 
 
 CXCV1II. 
 
 Some wondered why the award was made 
 So very like a masquerade, 
 
 Or fancy ball in town ; 
 With all its phases so complete 
 That neither side could really " see t, " 
 
 Or gulp the thing quite down !
 
 CXCIX. 
 
 But ranior had it, (no one knew 
 Exactly whence it sprung or grew,) 
 
 That Dr. B. had made it 
 With such a Machiavellian pen, 
 That Z 11 would got his money, when 
 
 The " tew " had really paid it! 
 
 CC. 
 
 And rumor had it further blown, 
 In sundry oircles,through the town. 
 
 That Dr. B. had tried, 
 By laboring with his colleagues hard, 
 To get the principal award 
 
 Sot finally aside ; 
 
 CCf. 
 
 In order to releive the " few " 
 From any further brawl or stew 
 
 With the recusant " many, " 
 And recognize the " agent sole " 
 As having all in his control, 
 
 Since he controlled the money ! 
 
 ecu 
 
 For money had become of late, 
 The only lever in church or state ; 
 
 And nothing could be worse, 
 Than simply having " brains " to glut 
 An empty stomach, or to put 
 
 Quietus on a purse I
 
 56 
 
 ccni. 
 
 Though tl brains" might answer very 
 For one who lived, like parson Z^ll. 
 
 In country town or village : 
 But in a city big with show, 
 ,Twas money made the " Doctor " go. 
 
 As army goes by pillage ! 
 
 CCIV. 
 
 For money is the almighty nexus 
 In church and state, from Maine to Tex&, 
 
 And if the " few " can not 
 Have their own way in church affairs, 
 No matter what its grace or prayers*, 
 
 The church must go to pot ! 
 
 ccv. 
 
 Time \*as when "brains" might win the rac. 
 In building up a church like this, 
 
 Against the " almighty dollar, " 
 But now, by general assumption, 
 The dollar, superceeding gumption, 
 
 Leaves " cannie brains" to follow. 
 
 CCVF. 
 
 These arguments addroitly roade, 
 Almost persuaded it "IB said, 
 
 The Bishop to knock under : 
 But one Assessor, parson Dr n, 
 Indignantly put his foot down, 
 
 And " would Vt no. b thunder !" :
 
 57 
 
 CCVII. 
 
 The "few" were then advised to take 
 Another, or a legal tack, 
 
 And set themselves at work 
 To get the church in statu quo, 
 Or on such footing as to go 
 
 By aid of lawyer Quirk. 
 
 CCVIII. 
 
 It seems there happened once to be 
 Up in old, ancient Bethany, 
 
 A church that did nt know, 
 Exactly when the time came round 
 For them to gather in the town 
 
 And put election through, 
 
 CCIX. 
 
 That is, within the church ; and so 
 They let the election fall quite through. 
 
 A casiis omissus good ; 
 "When all agreed to go to court 
 In order to get out their "foot" 
 
 The quickest way the could. 
 
 CCX. 
 
 The court decides, (as courts will do. 
 When they their learning wish to show) 
 
 The case both wrong and right; 
 Twas wrong to let election slip, 
 But right to have no rivaiship, 
 
 In view of their sad liht !
 
 58 
 
 CCXI. 
 
 And so they beat the legal cover. 
 And hold that vestries may hold over. 
 
 As well as church committees, 
 When there has been so clear a case 
 Of church omission, as took place 
 
 Among those worthy laities ! 
 
 CCXI I. 
 
 Now lawyer Quirk sees in this case. 
 A precedent of "special grace," 
 
 For all this church s broil ; 
 They might go back a year or two, 
 And all they d done, at once undo, 
 
 And thus the "many" foil ! 
 
 CCXIfl. 
 
 An old committee, long since dead, 
 Might be raked up. though much decayed, 
 
 And in bad odor still, 
 To take the place of those elected 
 The year before, but who d neglected 
 
 Their proper place to fill, 
 
 CCX1V. 
 
 And this would knock the corner stone 
 From underneath what they had done, 
 
 The Bishop and Assessors. 
 In holding that the "many" were 
 In membership established clear, 
 
 As well as church professors,
 
 59 
 
 ccxv. 
 
 And finally, on Easter day, 
 
 La "eighteen-hundred sixty-three, 
 
 They galvanize the dead, 
 Defunct old vestry, who come forth 
 From out their mmnmy cases, wroth 
 
 At being thus beshred ! 
 
 CCXVI. 
 
 But wheedling them into belief, 
 That they had really come to life, 
 
 Ar;d were no longer mummies, 
 They get them to put furlh a call, 
 For a church meeting annual, 
 
 1 mean these three church dummies. 
 
 CCXV J I. 
 
 The meeting called, the "few" convene; 
 The "many" are no longer seen 
 
 To pant for broil or fray ; 
 The "conclave" has the amplest swing, 
 With not a soul on them to bring 
 
 Confusion or dismay. 
 
 CCXVI1I. 
 
 The church s walls look stained and bare, 
 The sioves are neither here nor there, 
 
 The altar cloth is gone, 
 And cobwebs from the farthest end 
 Of musty ceiling, now depend, 
 
 With spiders hanging on !
 
 60 
 
 CCXIX 
 
 The erupt j desk, in looking down 
 Upon the " agent," seems to frown ; 
 
 Tho organ scorns to say, 
 Where are my smashed and broken pipes, 
 And whence those villainous " wipes " 
 
 I got upon that day, 
 
 CCXX. 
 
 When you, the church s " agent sole," 
 Came down like wolf upon my fold, 
 
 And drove them hence for aye 7 
 And you a churchman, good and true, 
 Out on your miserable crew 
 
 Forever and a day ! 
 
 CCXXL 
 
 The outraged organ speaks in vain, 
 Their deafened ears and hearts to gain ; 
 
 They set themselves at work, 
 And as if bent on hellish prize, 
 In spite of organ, organize 
 
 Themselves into a church ! 
 
 CCXXII. 
 
 Their work is ended, so they think ; 
 The deed is entered black with ink, 
 
 But blacker with intent ; 
 Some thirty members stricken from 
 The church s fold, to give them room, 
 
 Or give their spleen a vent !
 
 61 
 
 ccxxnr. 
 
 And spleen they had more splenetic 
 Than ever hypochondriac, 
 
 Or spleeny mortal had; 
 
 With tongues that dripped with worse saliva 
 Than ever mad dog s tooth could slaver, 
 
 However deadly rnad ! 
 
 CCXXIV. 
 
 But then, their spleen was not enough, 
 And so they sought for spleenier stuff 
 
 An old maid s withered tongue, 
 That could a little louder bawl (-^ a ^) l 
 Exude worse venom, or worse gall, 
 
 And more incessant run ! 
 
 ccxxv. 
 
 This " withered tongue," tis said, went forth 
 Throughout the parish, charged with wrath 
 
 And vei.om on the head 
 Of parson Z^-ll, and on all those 
 Who did not ministration choose 
 
 Less suited to their need ! 
 
 CCXXVI. 
 
 Their work is ended ; so tis said, 
 And all their wrath is visited, 
 
 In vials doubly full, 
 Upon this Christian church, that they, 
 The " few," may have supremacy, 
 
 In what they call church rule ! 
 G
 
 62 
 
 CCXXVIT. 
 
 Their work is ended : yet, how true 
 It is, that villainy fulls through 
 
 The very pit it makes ; 
 And that i!l deeds come home to roost, 
 When we have calculated most 
 
 On setting fast our stakes ! 
 CCXXVI1I. 
 
 Their work is ended : oh, how few 
 Will ever find such saying true! 
 
 No work doth ever end ; 
 That of to-day lives on to morrow, 
 And either brings its joy or sorrow, 
 
 As kindred work shall tend! 
 
 CCXX1X. 
 
 No, tis not ended ; this to say, 
 Were bitterest piece of irony, 
 
 On all the " conclave " did ; 
 They tried to make perpetual 
 The strife the Bishop tried to heal, 
 
 And in his anger chid. 
 
 ccxxx. 
 
 And now his stern command that they 
 Should strictly his award obey, 
 
 Is flouted to his teeth ; 
 While brooding o er the church is hung 
 A pall of spiritual gloom, 
 
 Next to the second death.
 
 63 
 
 CCXXXI. 
 
 The Muse would still prolong her strain, 
 But begs Euterpe s fire in vain, 
 
 For more extended flight ; 
 She only gives her I jsk not fire, 
 When knaves invoke her special ire 
 
 Upon their heads to light ! 
 
 CCXXXII. 
 
 But at some future time, she may 
 Vouchsafe me all I a-k to-day, 
 
 Tier most indignant flame, 
 To light the altar of my verse 
 With words as fierce, and thoughts as terse, 
 
 As fiery epigram. 
 
 CCXXX111. 
 
 Meanwhile. I ll wait to ste if they 
 Take the poetic lash to-day 
 
 In anger less than sorrow ; 
 Or whether they seek, with looks morose, 
 To catch another and tougher dose 
 
 Administered to-morrow ! 
 CCXXXIV. 
 
 Tims ends my " Knaviad " on the church : 
 But I must not leave in the lurch 
 
 Its chairman Dr. A 12 * 4 * ; 
 He s done his dirty work for B^n-^t, 
 And now I ll touch him up with sonnet, 
 
 And labor for his pains !
 
 64 
 
 CCXXXV. 
 
 I ll take him at the close of day : 
 Good parson Z-&-11 has gone to pray. 
 
 And sacrament dispense 
 To dying neighbor, near her end, 
 Whose symptoms, each and all, portend 
 
 A speedy exit henoe ! 
 
 CCXXXVJ. 
 
 Tis near this self same "chairman s" door; 
 A s:\bbath evening, just before 
 
 The eyelids of God s holy day 
 Were closed in slumber, and he felt 
 This godly parson as he knelt, 
 
 How good it was to pray, 
 
 CCXXXVII. 
 
 Especially with one so soon 
 
 To go before the Great Unknown, 
 
 The I AM of the skies; 
 Whose great commission he had borne 
 So many years within that town, 
 
 Dispensing charities. 
 
 ccxxxvni 
 
 He pours his soul to God in trust: 
 " Eternal Father ! if it must 
 
 Be as our fears foredoom, 
 Oh, take thine humble handmaid here s 
 And bear her upward, where nor tear 
 
 Nor sorrow e er shall come ! "
 
 65 
 
 CCXXXIX 
 
 And though the Christian now revives, 
 Her soul still craves the upper skies, 
 
 Longs to depart in peace ; 
 Yet earthly wishes too arc there, 
 Devoutly hallowing the prayer, 
 
 That death may not release 
 
 CCXL 
 
 The loved one from her bondage yet ; 
 
 And so she lingers to beget 
 
 Alternate hope and fear; 
 And when at length some annodyne 
 Js vranted, or domestic wine, 
 
 The parson seeks it near. 
 
 CCXLI. 
 
 Thoughtless at such a time, if any, 
 
 Of danger from the " few " or " many, " 
 
 lie seeks the nearest door, 
 Imploring some quick cordial there, 
 If they had any such to spare, 
 
 The dying to restore. 
 
 CCXLIL 
 
 A s sees the godly man approach, 
 And madly leaping from his coach, 
 
 In which he d driven home, 
 Seizes a piece of broken felly, 
 And swears he ll smash his head to jelly, 
 
 If he s not quickly gone.
 
 06 
 
 COXLI1I. 
 
 But nothing daunted, in he goes 
 Amid a threatened shower of blows, 
 
 And makes his errand good ; 
 Here noble sire and dastard son 
 Confront each other, man to none, 
 
 And thus is quelled his blood. 
 
 CCXL1V. 
 
 But not before the wretch is able 
 To hurl some dishes from the table, 
 
 That graze the parson s face ; 
 The act of coward, double-dyed, 
 Since priestly hands are doubly tied 
 
 By precept and by grace. 
 
 CCXLV. 
 
 And oh, ye gods of lofty Rome ! 
 
 On whom this Christian world looks dow& 
 
 With such supreme disdain, 
 Had there been sinner such as A-^, 
 Within your sacred temples fanes 
 
 Hades had belched again ! 
 
 CCXLVI. 
 
 Had vomited its fiercest fire 
 Into old Rome s polutcd air, 
 
 And made the welkin ring 
 With fiendish clamors for the knave. 
 Who such impiety could brave, 
 
 Or such dishonor bring !
 
 67 
 
 cexLvii. 
 
 And then this "doctor" (few may know it) 
 Figured quite largely as a poet:, 
 
 Lampooning parson Z 11. 
 Without one grain of sense or wit 
 In all the wretched trash he writ. 
 
 So vile his doggerel! 
 
 CCXLVIII. 
 
 As Mffivius once, in ancient Rome, 
 Whom neither gods nor man would crown 
 
 With the first sprig of bay, 
 Voided his wretched, riff- raff rhymes, 
 Or gallimaufry on the limes 
 
 And men of his own day. 
 
 ccxux. 
 
 So now, this poetizing as., 
 
 AViih more than Msevian front and^brass, 
 
 Attempts to void his trash 
 And runs about the town to tell 
 How he has flayed the parson Z II. 
 
 With his poetic lush ! 
 
 CCL. 
 
 \Vrite on ! a glorious age for rhyme, 
 Thou brainless a<s of modern time ! 
 
 Ay, go it stiff and strong ! 
 Incumbent on thy filmy wing. 
 Still hold thy flight, still deign to sing. 
 
 Thou jackanapes of song !
 
 08 
 
 ecu 
 
 And when you ve finished up your rhymes. 
 Go forth and chronicle your crimes 
 
 Unblushingly in prose*; 
 Tell all your cronies how you brought 
 Your wifu to seek divorce in court. 
 
 And what she did depose. 
 
 CCLI1. 
 And though it blast your eye-balls, read 
 
 The damning record that is spread 
 Upon the files in court ; 
 
 Then go and hang yourself as high 
 As Hainan hung, when Mordecai 
 Escaped the noose he wrought ! 
 
 CCL1II. 
 
 But speaking of this Hainan s: rioosc. 
 Reminds me sadly of the use 
 
 It might have been put to ! 
 Even in those barbaric time?, 
 Ere virtues ranked as highest crimes. 
 
 Or crimes to virtues grew. 
 
 CCLIV. 
 
 It might have tied up Haman r s tongue, 
 With all its slanders, or have wrung 
 
 The gall from out his liver ; 
 And left the matrons of that day 
 Less tittle-tattle when at tea, 
 
 To shoot from venom s quiver.
 
 CCLV. 
 
 Our age had seen more mirth than jesters, 
 Oar homes less Vashtis and more Esthers 
 
 Had king Ahasuerus 
 Not got so merry once with wine, 
 After a seven day s feast or dine, 
 
 As to grow cornic-scrious ! 
 
 CCLVI- 
 
 But then, our modern Vashiis marry, 
 In all respect-*, no doubt, as chary. 
 
 As was this ancient queen ! 
 And would, like her, withhold their beauty, 
 At court or banquet, as a duty , 
 
 Though dying to be seen ! 
 
 CCLVII. 
 
 I speak of what I know of those 
 
 Who tweak their liego-lords by tha nose, 
 
 On every state occasion, 
 And "wear the breeches," us we say, 
 In vulgar parlance of the day, 
 
 Without, a hair s abrasion ! 
 
 CCLV III. 
 
 Who marry to get rid at <mce r 
 Of husband, lover, loon and dune* 1 , 
 
 All in one category. 
 Without restraint upon them after, 
 Kxcept small scandal a-id much laughter. 
 
 In circles amatory !
 
 70 
 
 CCLIX. 
 
 Tis said s< :nc cases in West Haven 
 
 Might with great pungency be given. 
 
 In certain high-bred quarters : 
 But then twere strange this were not said, 
 Since scandal never goes to bed 
 
 Except with Eve s fair daughters. 
 
 CCLX. 
 
 Nor ever eloses there an eye. 
 But keeps a watch continually 
 
 This Argus, himdrod-eared ; 
 Hoping to catch some rumor vile, 
 Afloat in dreams, or borne on smile, 
 
 Or accents scarcely heard ! 
 
 CCLXI. 
 
 But I ll not " mill" this scandal, though 
 I mean to put all scandal through 
 
 The mill before I m done, 
 And furnish forth a "grist" to those 
 "Who scour the streets with blistered toes. 
 
 To blister with their tongue ! 
 
 CCLX!!. 
 
 There s Mrs. Pryint you may know her 
 And Mrs. Tipton, scarce below her, 
 
 In wealth and high "posish ;" 
 They re both such greely scandal-mongers. 
 That one for scandal never hungers 
 
 But t other serves a dish !
 
 7i 
 
 CCLXIII. 
 
 And the Miss Galls, with blistering tongue, 
 Old nisi ids that want their withers wrung, 
 
 To judge them from their tether ; 
 Who from the cup of scandal sip, 
 And with their snuff-bags sit anil "dip," 
 
 Whilst they malign together! 
 
 CCLXIV. 
 
 And Mrs. Gangrene, from whoa .3 touguo 
 Continual festers drip and run, 
 
 Or gather but to break, 
 In thicker volume, on the head 
 Of some poor neighbor, too ill-bred 
 
 Her husband to hen-peek ! 
 
 CCLXV. 
 
 And Mrs. Wormwood, whom to taste 
 Would be like condiment or paste, 
 
 Made of the flowers of rue ; 
 Who, to her husband grown morose, 
 Gives tongue-wort, in continuous dose, 
 
 To put the poor man through ! 
 
 CCLXVI. 
 
 And Mrs. Virjuicc, green-eyed dame, 
 (Her spectacles are much the same 
 
 In color as her eyes,) 
 Who keeps a look-out for new comers, 
 And post-haste gathers up all rumors, 
 
 About them, as they rise 1
 
 CCLXVII. 
 
 And Mrs. Grimfaee, galled and jaded, 
 And what annoys hor mo*t quite faded, 
 
 Who lives in that new house, 
 And gives a party once a quarter 
 To show herself off, not her daughter, 
 
 Or amiable spouse ! 
 
 CCLXVIII. 
 
 And Mrs. Primrosrs, starciied all over, 
 As one would baste a snipe or plover, 
 
 And looking each year belter ; 
 Her husband s gone so much from home, 
 She d no doubt " gorge herself in gloom," 
 
 If other men would let her ! 
 
 CCLXIX. 
 
 And Mr?, Vindex, who can throw 
 The smallest kind of pebble through 
 
 Each vitrccus house in town, 
 And gather " motes from neighbor s eyes, 
 Without remotest thought to seize 
 The " beam " within her own ! 
 
 CCLXX. 
 
 These several dames, each in their way, 
 Cream up" our aristocracy 
 
 With their incipient butter, 
 And save it, first from being lammed, 
 And theti incontinently damned, 
 
 Or thrust into the gutter.
 
 73 
 
 CCLXXI. 
 
 For know, kind reader, there can bo 
 No smaller aristocracy 
 
 In any town or city, 
 Than what we ve got among us here, 
 In what is called a certain " sphere," 
 
 By jesters nice and witty. 
 
 CCLXXII. 
 
 In origin they claim to come 
 
 From ancient stock within tho town, 
 
 Some lordly bivalve-vender, 
 Or " oysterman," in common phrase, 
 Who once a week, tis said, said grace, 
 
 And then went on a " bender," 
 
 CCLXXIII. 
 
 Or from some daring navigator 
 Who took the " bar " for the equator, 
 
 And navigated round, 
 In various bays and inlets wide, 
 From Oyster river to Fort Hale side, 
 
 .But never crossed the sound ! 
 
 CCLXXIV. 
 
 Who once, tis said, got cast away 
 Near " Grape Vine Point, " up in the bay, 
 
 In manner bold and risky ; 
 But when the facts were known, twas found 
 He d only run his craft aground 
 Upon a jug of whisky ! 
 7
 
 7A 
 
 CCLXXV. 
 
 These daring "navigators" had 
 Originally taken shad 
 
 Between tta bridge s tresslt-3 ; 
 But when the shad gave out, they turned 
 Their nets adrift, and thenceforth earned 
 
 Their bread by bagging muscles! 
 
 CCLXXVI. 
 
 This proved a dangerous kind of " sailing," 
 And caused no doubt much grief and wailing 
 
 Among their several spouses, 
 Who saw them " under bare poles " scud, 
 And often founder in the mud, 
 
 With fearful loss of trowsers! 
 
 CCLXXV II. 
 
 They were a jolly set of tars, 
 
 Those rare old clammers on the bars, 
 
 With rake and hoe and shovel; 
 Aud who would not most clamorous be 
 In praise of such an ancestry, 
 
 Though sprung from lowliest hovel! 
 
 CCLXXVIII. 
 
 Yet strange to say , their suns have come 
 -On all such "jolly tars" to frown, 
 
 As if they thought to say : 
 Your presence is offensive, sir, 
 It galls my wife, suggests to her, 
 
 What 1 had been to-day,
 
 75 
 
 CCLXXIX. 
 
 Had not some old ancestral clammer, 
 Once on a time obtained a " manor," 
 
 In which to cut his hay, 
 And somehow left it to come down 
 In safe succession to the one 
 
 That occupies to-day ! 
 
 CCLXXX. 
 
 These, for armorial bearings, had 
 
 Each three ciams clatnant and one shad, 
 
 On their escutcheons graven ; 
 And boasted of ancestral worth, 
 As far back as the fortieth birth 
 
 That took place in West Haven. 
 
 CCLXXXI. 
 
 To prove this true, they first resort 
 To ancient records that are brought 
 
 Down in ancestral tree, 
 And then to graveyards gravely go, 
 To hunt inscriptions, and to throw 
 
 Light on their pedigree ! 
 
 CCLXXXH. ^ 
 This being done, tis found that they 
 
 Were born at least a century 
 Before their stated time ; 
 This reconciles anachronism, 
 And fills the gap in times abysm. 
 Or their ancestral line!
 
 CCLXXXIH. 
 
 Some others laid their claim to be 
 
 Ranked with the great " stuck-up-racy," 
 
 Upon their lack of brains ; 
 Or rather insufficient skull, 
 To hold the little thimble-full, 
 
 That each of theirs contains. 
 
 CCLXXXIV. 
 
 They had some money, it is true, 
 But then twas never earned, but grew 
 
 Like punjppkinjon a vine, 
 And dropped into their laps when ripe, 
 As I have seen a stricken snipe 
 
 Drop from a shot of mine, 
 
 CCLXXXV. 
 
 Not into my own bag, but where 
 Some -lubber " bagged it in despair 
 
 Of ever fetching feather ; 
 Just so their fortunes came to these 
 Land-lubbers, or " stuck-up-racies," 
 
 By chance shot of another ! 
 
 CCLXXXVI. 
 
 And yet they toss their heads in air 
 As if all gravitation were 
 
 Entirely suspended, 
 And tread the earth as if their feet 
 Twixt heaven and earth might somewhere meet, 
 
 If properly suspended !
 
 77 
 
 CCLXXXVIJ. 
 
 Or grimly greet you in the street, 
 As if their vivisections met 
 
 In spite of tied cravat, 
 And venture forth into the wind 
 With coat-tuil streaming far behind, 
 
 Like tail behind a rut! 
 
 CCLXXXVIII. 
 
 Now all of these pretentious airs, 
 Put on like sunday clothes of theirs, 
 
 To cover up their vices, 
 Is what disgusts tho Mtise to see, 
 Provokes her taunts and raillery, 
 
 And sling of cockatrices! 
 
 CCLXXXIX. 
 
 And though they ludicrously seem, 
 In gait and air, in port ind mien, 
 
 They scarcely merit laughter ; 
 But only such a pitying glance 
 As folly catches in the dance. 
 
 With vices dangling after ! 
 
 CCXC. 
 
 But what disgusts the Muse still more, 
 Are vices rankling in the core 
 
 Of all society ; 
 Vices indigenously grown, 
 In church and stat* 1 , and handed down 
 
 As virtue s legacy !
 
 78 
 
 CCXCI. 
 
 These vices bear their heads so high 
 .In all church aristocracy, 
 
 That virtue, meaner clad, 
 Mistakes her calling, and goes forth 
 In search of really honest worth, 
 
 To pity and upbraid. 
 
 CCXCH. 
 
 There s Dea. Cantwell, whom you ve seets 
 A hundred times upon the green, 
 
 With Sunday face so long, 
 That one would almost swear his nose 
 Ran half-way down to where his toes 
 
 Notoriously belong ! 
 
 CCXCIIl. 
 
 He s been a deacon twenty years, 
 And yet, tis said, has sundry fears 
 
 Of being damned at last ; 
 But then such fears, his parson says r 
 Give evidence of special grace, 
 
 And so he stands confessed ! 
 
 CCXCI V. 
 
 But all his piety and grace 
 Are lavished on an ugly face, 
 
 That all the uglier grows, 
 For putting on his solemn, grum 
 Demeanor, that is all a hum., 
 
 As everv body knows !
 
 79 
 
 CCXCV. 
 
 Bui then he s got the -sulid rocks" 
 Converted once from fancy stocks, 
 
 By sharper on the street ; 
 And holds them in such durance vile 
 That they draw interest all the while, 
 
 And yet no interest meet. 
 
 CCXCVJ. 
 
 The bank has got them on deposit, 
 So " slyly " that nobody knows it; 
 
 Yet rumor has it thus: 
 It has them on what s called a " special," 
 Not thereby meaning by the bushel, 
 
 But for a special use. 
 
 CCXCVII. 
 
 It holds them " as " and " of" the deacon, 
 Two particles the lawyers stick on 
 
 To en tracts nice and witty ; 
 Which means that when the bank "goes up,** 
 The deacon don t, but stays to sup 
 
 With cashier in the city. 
 
 CCXCVI1I. 
 
 Now should this bubble go unpunctured, 
 A little longer, Peter-Funkward, 
 
 The deacon stands a chance, 
 Without a single risk, to " double," 
 As brokers call it, when they gobble 
 
 A fortune in advance.
 
 80 
 
 CCXCIX. 
 
 Now all the while the deacon knows 
 The Bank s not worth the debts it owes, 
 
 And may "go up " to-morrow, 
 And yet he lets its paper slide 
 From out his wallet gaping wide 
 
 For bonds of those that borrow, 
 
 CCC. 
 
 And this is Christian honesty ! 
 Commands a premium to-day 
 
 In the West Haven market! 
 Obtains your deaconships and makes, 
 Respectable your very rakes, 
 
 However much they " lark it. " 
 
 CCCI. 
 
 \Vhile honest poverty is spurned 
 The very door, and e en out-turned 
 
 The church, because it dares 
 To wear an independent front, 
 To have its say its will, its wont, 
 
 In church and state affairs ! 
 
 CCCIf. 
 
 And shall the Muse withhold her lash 
 From "potent, grave and reverend" cash, 
 
 Or rather reverend skin. 
 "With plastering suffix, just to hide, 
 Its naked leprosy outside, 
 
 And villainy within?
 
 81 
 
 occur. 
 
 Not if all Wall-Street raised its head, 
 
 And swore that heaven and earth were made, 
 
 To steadily revolve 
 On paper axis, held at par, 
 When gold is up to eighty-four, 
 
 With tendencies above ! 
 
 CCCIV. 
 
 And this your wretched paper bubble 
 Is all a sham, a cheat, a baublo, 
 
 A sheer inflated lie ; 
 The only bottom it has got 
 Is what it has, and yet has not, 
 
 A kite with string to fly ! 
 
 cccv. 
 
 And yet it has the potent power 
 To grind to earth the laboring poor, 
 
 And make them doubly slave ; 
 Enhancing value where tis not, 
 With "here you see ifc there you don t," 
 
 Like thimble rigging knave ! 
 
 CCCV I. 
 
 Of all the vices of the town 
 And damning vices it has some, 
 
 There s none wit.h this compares: 
 The vice that steals from out your purte, 
 With knavish hand, to reimburse 
 
 With what the beggar wears !
 
 82 
 
 CCCVII. 
 
 One of its victims I had known, 
 A youth once worshiped through the town 
 
 For evory manly grace; 
 Though neither rich, nor yet high-bred, 
 He wore an honest front, and had 
 
 As true a heart as face. 
 
 CCCVIII. 
 
 He married young ( twas no disgrace 
 To marry thus in earlier days,) 
 
 And had as sweet a wife 
 As ever heaven smiled down upon, 
 And one as beautiful as young, 
 
 And full of joyous life. 
 
 CCCIX. 
 
 They lived a brief way out of town ; 
 Their little cottage painted brown, 
 
 Was tasteful in design, 
 And had a neat veranda, where 
 Each climbing rose perfumed the air, 
 
 As well as clambering vine ! 
 
 CCCX. 
 
 He was employed by Cant & Co., 
 Upon a salary too low, 
 
 They thought, for him to live ; 
 So they discharged him, lest his wife 
 Should tempt to more expensive life, 
 
 Or to purloin anu thieve !
 
 83 
 
 CCCXI 
 
 And yet this pious firm proposes 
 To aid their clerk, if he but chooses, 
 
 By making him a loan ; 
 He giving bond and mortgage back, 
 Upon his house, and little tract 
 
 Of land, just out of town. 
 
 CCCXII. 
 
 The loan that they would have him take, 
 Is in the bills that they protect, 
 
 On the Gridiron Bank; 
 An institution they extol 
 As having all its capital 
 
 In stocks of highest rank ! 
 
 cccxin. 
 
 Its paper they would have him hold 
 Against such time as they the gold 
 
 May purchase up at par, 
 When they, of course, will promptly make 
 Redemption of the bills in bank, 
 
 Or pay in trade before ! 
 
 CCCXI V. 
 
 And thus the tempters of this youth, 
 The one a deacon now forsooth, 
 
 Adroitly fling their twine ; 
 As satan once for Eve laid wait, 
 And knew that nibbling at the bait, 
 
 Was dangling at the line !
 
 84 
 
 CCCXV. 
 
 The young tnau sees the gilded fly, 
 And though at first a little shy, 
 
 Takes greedy hold at last ; 
 The deacun slowly winds his reel, 
 He knows he s hooked with hook of steel, 
 
 And to his twine made fast! 
 
 CCCXVI. 
 
 A brief month passes, and what then ? 
 A mad, tumultuous rush of men, 
 
 All clamorous through the street ; 
 The great unpunctured bubble s burst, 
 " Gone up," is " nowhere," or a-dust 
 
 Amidst their trampling feet! 
 
 CCCXV II. 
 
 The young man s hopes, all stowed away 
 Noath trusty lock and trustier key, 
 
 Come forth to light at last ; 
 Ono stifled curse, one bitter groan, 
 And all his dreams of wealth are flown, 
 
 Like shadows madly grasped, 
 
 CCCXVI 1 1. 
 
 At first he struggles manfully, 
 Like some strong swimmer on the sea, 
 
 Whose bark has just gone down 
 Neath crushing iceberg, leaving there 
 Nor sign of life nor splint of spar, 
 
 To rest a hope upon !
 
 85 
 
 CCCXIX. 
 
 But soon the waters o er his soul 
 In wild tumultuous horror roll, 
 
 While reason from her throne 
 Reels headlong, and you hear a cry 
 Of deepest mortal agony 
 
 Above the waters borne ! 
 
 CCCXX. 
 
 Go to that little cottage now : 
 
 Just heaven ! ward off the impending blow 
 
 From that devoted head, 
 Now pillowed on the feverish breast 
 Of him who tosts in wild unrest, 
 
 And mutters words scarce heard ! 
 
 CCCXXI. 
 
 To morrow sees that bond mature : 
 The dying man has struggled o er 
 
 The brink of his despair, 
 Yet raves all wildly ; strong men stay 
 To hold him in his agony, 
 
 And wish they were not there ! 
 
 CCCXXII. 
 
 The deacon calls to get his pay : 
 He had not heard the news that day, 
 
 Or he had staid a.t home ; 
 The dying man he does not see, 
 But hears one cry of agony, 
 
 And rushes from the room ! 
 8
 
 8(3 
 
 CCCXXIII. 
 
 The evening sun goes down at last : 
 All earthly joy and grief are past, 
 
 To that strong sufferer now ; 
 His bond of life lies cancelled there, 
 You see the pall, the hearse, the bier 
 
 The widow s weeds of woe ! 
 
 CCCXXIV. 
 
 But there s another bond to meet : 
 Dcaih summons all with equal feet, 
 
 The monarch as ihe slave, 
 But has no power to cancel those 
 Most potent bonds the lawyers use 
 
 To reach beyond the grave ! 
 
 CCCXXV. 
 
 The deacon calls a few weeks later : 
 He is, in fact, no woman hater, 
 
 So seeks the widow s door, 
 In hopes she s found some special grace 
 To lighten up her dark distress, 
 
 Since his day s grace is o er ! 
 
 CCCXXVi. 
 
 He s called to see what she can do : 
 The widow hears his story through; 
 
 The mortgage covers all, 
 All to the very plate he brought, 
 In all his wealth of love unbought, 
 
 To contract marital !
 
 87 
 
 CCCXXVII. 
 
 His pay is finally obtained : 
 Foreclosure, bills of cost, suit gained 
 
 A writ of restitution ; 
 AH Imvried through in u double quick, 
 And in the sheriffs hands to prick 
 
 The bubble destitution ! 
 
 CCCXXVII I. 
 
 Ah Dca. Cant, the day will come, 
 
 When heaven on all such di-ccls shall frown, 
 
 And yon will plead in vain, 
 As Dives did with Lfi/ariH, 
 For one small drop to quench your thirst, 
 
 Or stay your nVry pain ! 
 
 CCCXXIX. 
 
 The great eternal, primal law 
 Of compensation, has no flaw. 
 
 Or subterfuge fur you ; 
 It doles you out for every sin 
 A curpe for you to swelter in, 
 
 Whvn Hades has its due ! 
 
 CCCXXX. 
 
 Oh, how I do detest their cant, 
 These long-eared puritans that rant 
 
 About old Adam s sin, 
 Who, some two thousand years before 
 The flood, (the Brahmins make it more.) 
 Got strangely taken in ! 
 "
 
 68 
 
 CCCXXXI. 
 
 And who, because their sins are great, 
 Lay all the blame on Adam s pate, 
 
 Or rather on his loins ; 
 Or fancy, when themselves miscarry, 
 Tis not themselves, bat some young Harry. 
 
 Fresh from the Old ones groins ! 
 
 CCCXXXII. 
 To whip the devil round the stump 
 
 Is mean enough, but when you thump 
 
 Him squarely o er the pate, 
 With your own sins, tis dastardly, 
 And though I hate tire devil, I 
 
 Will help him in such strait ! 
 
 CCCXXXI IT. 
 
 He s had his sins to answer for, 
 As Milton shows; and when the power 
 
 That hurled him headlong down 
 The outer battlements, and sent 
 His hosts sky-voyaging, had once spent 
 
 Its force, he was "done brown !" 
 
 CCCXXXIV. 
 
 This is no theologic marvel, 
 But settled fact beyond all cavil, 
 
 Except mong pagan powers ; 
 And hence, I ve always fult the church 
 Had its foundation built too much 
 
 On Adam s sin. not ours !
 
 89 
 CCCXXXV. 
 
 Had we all sinned in Adam s fall, 
 Then Adam must have sinned for all, 
 
 Or done up all our sinning, 
 At least six thousand years before 
 We ever thought of sinning, or 
 
 Had our tadpole begining ! 
 
 CCCXXXVI. 
 
 Now this would utterly reverse 
 That great hereditary curse 
 
 From sire to son inbred, 
 And send the sins of which we boast, 
 Like chickens, vilely back to roost 
 
 On Adam s guiltless head ! 
 
 CCCXXXVI I. 
 
 And though I solemnly protest, 
 As well for Adam as the rest 
 
 Of our ancestral line, 
 Against such vile injustice done 
 To primal sire, when looked upon 
 
 As guiity of our crime ; 
 
 cccxxxvnr. 
 
 Yet I admit w-> bear his sin, 
 
 And feel the curse pronounced on him, 
 
 As the Church Creed declares ; 
 But not as those believe who say, 
 All sin through him. and thus bewray 
 
 JTls sins alone, not theirs.
 
 90 
 
 CCCXXXIX. 
 
 A better faith from me receive,. 
 And act upon it while you live,. 
 And longer if you can : 
 Believe that every thought and word, 
 And deed of yours, stands registered 
 
 CCCXL. 
 
 Against you to a man, 
 And that on reaching that High Court 
 Of Chancery, where all resort 
 
 For ultimate decree, 
 That each must answer for his own,. 
 From Adam down to his last son, 
 
 In chain of pedigree ; 
 
 CCCXLI. 
 
 That none can plead another s sin 
 In bar of judgment against him, 
 
 In that Imperial Court, 
 Where justice sits with equal scales- 
 And in her judgments never fails 
 
 To weigh the secret thought, 
 
 CCCXLH. 
 
 As well as overt act of crime ; 
 Accept this faith as yours and mine r 
 
 And then we may deceive 
 The devil, with his imps and elve* r 
 But never can deceive ourselve^ 
 
 The longest day we live I
 
 91 
 
 CCCXLIII. 
 
 Their work is ended. He whose life 
 In Christian grac> was all too brief, 
 
 Has gone to rest at last; 
 With him all earthly toils are o er, 
 All griefs and joys forevcrmore, 
 
 With life s brief journey, past. 
 
 CCCXLIV. 
 
 He sleeps all tranquilly, this good, 
 Devout, and lowly man of God, 
 
 Rests from his toils in peace; 
 And they who smote him i:. the dust, 
 With cruel wrong and acts accurst, 
 
 Have of their hate surcease. 
 
 COCXLV. 
 
 Life s journey ended he sleeps well; 
 No feuds to meet, no broils to quell, 
 
 No clamors to allay ; 
 No call to dry the widow s tenr, 
 No mourner s grief to seek and share, 
 
 No broken hearts to stay. 
 
 CCCXLVI. 
 
 With him the storms of life arc f-pent, 
 No cloud remains its wr.it li to vent, 
 
 All is serene and clear; 
 And He who spans the heavens above 
 With rain-bow tokens of his love, 
 
 Accords a welcome there ! 
 
 C:CXLVII. 
 
 Hate, like a scorpion, ever dies 
 From its own sting. Its agoniei 
 
 Are those itself out-throes; 
 Then let the venom of the few, 
 Who on his church such scandal drew, 
 
 LMc as the scorpion doas!
 
 
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