COMPLETE WORKS OF CHARLES F. BROWNE, BETTER KNOWN AS "ARTEMUS WARD." BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO. EUINUURGH AND LONDON » # *# r/^/^'^ ^^%^^^^^^^^. ^/^s^^*^^.^ y^ THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ROWNE^ CHARLES F?'^BROWNE^i^ BETTER KNOWN AS "ARTEMUS WARD" A NEW EDITION WITH PORTRAIT BY GEFLOWSKl FACSIMILE OF HANDWRITING, &»c. Eontfon CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY 1884 JancToft Ub«iy CONTENTS. PORTRAIT OP CHARLES P. BROWNE — (FBOM BUST BY GEPLOWSKi). TofoCC title. ARTEMUS WARD : HIS BOOK. riss uttboduction, • • ' 4 . 27 ONE OP MB ward's BUSINESS LETTER8| . 37 THE SKAKERS, 38 HIOH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA, . 45 CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOUR OP THE ATLANTIC CABLE, 45 AMONG THE SPIRITS, . 48 ON THE WING, £1 THE OCTOROON, hi EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR, . . 58 OBERLIN, . 59 THE Showman's courtship, . 61 THE CRISIS, 64 WAX PIGURES V. 8HAKSPEARE, 67 AMONG THE PREE LOVERS, 69 SCANDALOUS DOINOS AT PITTSBURG, • • ♦ • 71 VI CONTENTS. a visit to bmgham touno, the census, . an honest living, the press, .... edwin forrest as othello, the show business and popular lectures, woman's rights, would-be sea dogs, ON " FORTS," . PICCOLOMINI, . THE DISGUISED DUKE, LITTLE PATTI, MOSES, THE SASSY ; OR, THE PRINCE OF WALES, OSSAWATOMIE BROWN, JOT IN THE HOUSE OP WARD, CRUISE OP THE POLLY ANN, INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN, THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED, . THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE, FOURTH OP JULY ORATION, THE WAR FEVER IN BM.DINSVILLE, INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON, ARTBMUS ward's BROTHER, . BETSY-JAIN BE-ORQUNIZED, . BRIGHAM young's WIVES, CONTENTS. Vll TAVERN ACCOMMODATION, A. ward's first umbrella, . AN AFFECTING POEM, " THE BABES IN THE WOOD," MORMON BILL OF FARE, MARION : A ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL, EAST SIDE THEATRICALS, SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF, . TOUCHING LETTER FROM A GORY MEMBER OF THE HOME GUARD, SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS, THE WIFE, ..... A JUVENILE COMPOSITION : ON THE ELEPHANT, A POEM BY THE SAME, THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE, MR WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK (sOIREE), PAOK 139 189 140 140 144 145 147 150 151 152 156 156 157 157 163 ARTEMUS WARD (HIS TRAVELS) AMONG THE MORMONS. INTRODUCTION, 171 PART I.— ON THE RAMPAGE. 1. ON THE STEAMER, 2. THE ISTHMUS, 3. MEXICO. . 190 192 196 7111 4. CALIFORNIA, .... 5. WASHOE, ...... 6. MR PEPPER, . . . . , 7. HORACE Greeley's ride to placerville, 8. TO REESE RIVER, 9. GREAT SALT LAKE CITY, . 10. THE MOUNTAIN FEVER, 11. "I AM HERE," 12. BRIGHAM YOUNG, . . . 13. A PTECE IS SPOKEN, 14. THE BALL, . . . . . 15. PHELPS's ALMANAC, 16. HURRAH FOR THE ROAD ! 17. VERY MUCH MARRIED, 28^ THE REVELATION OF JOSEPH SMITH, PART II.— PERLITE LITTERATOOR. 1. A WAR MEETING, 2. ARTEMUS ward's AUTOBIOGRAPHY, 3. THINGS IN NEW YORK, 4. IN CANADA, 5. THE NOBLE RED M^N, 6. THE SERENADE, 7. A ROMANCE : WILLIAM BARKER, THE YOUNG PATRIOT, 8. A ROMANCE : THE CONSCRIPT, CONl'ENTS. IX 9. A BOMANCB : OHLT A MECHANIC, 10. BOSTON, . . , . 11. a mormon romance : reginald glovebson, 12. artemus ward in richmond, 13. artemus ward to the prince op wales, 14. affairs round the village green, 15. agriculture, .... 16. o'bourcy's "arrah-na-pogue," WOK 273 274 279 . 284 289 294 301 . 305 ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. PRELIMINARY, ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS, ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON, 313 318 324 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. IiNTRODUCTION BY T. W. ROBERTSON, . PREFATORY NOTE BY EDWARD P. HINGSTON, THE LECTURE, 331 357 APPENDIX. « THE TIMES " NOTICE, ORIGINAL PROGRAMME, AUTOGRAPH OF ARTEMUS WARD, 392 403 CONTENTS, ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON, AND OTHER HUMOROUS PAPERS. INTKODUCTOBT, . . . 1. ARRIVAL IN LONDON, 2. PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS, 3. THE GREEN LION AND OLIVER CROMWELL, 4. AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE, 5. IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB, 6. THE TOWER OF LONDON, . 7. SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY, . 8. A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM, 9. PTROTECHNY, 10. THE NEGRO QUESTION, 11. ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH, 12. A FRAGMENT, pias 407 409 413 417 422 427 432 436 441 446 452 455 457 ESSAYS AND SKETCHES. 1. RED HAND : A TALE OF REVENGE, 2. THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES, 3. HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION, 4. ROBERTO THE ROVER : A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE, 5. ABOUT EDITORS, . . . . . ' 6. EDITING, ...... 7. POPULARITY, . . . , 461 465' 470 471 475 476 478 CONTENTS, XI . PAGB 8. A LITTLE DIFnOULTT IN THE WAT, 479 9, OTHELLO, ..... 480 10. SCENES OUTSIDE THE PAIB GROUND, 483 11. COLOUBED people's CHUBCH, 486 12. SPIRITS, ...... 488 13. MR BLOWHARD, ..... 490 14. MARKET MORNING, .... 491 15. WE SEE TWO WITCHES, . 493 16. FROM A HOMELY MAN, . 498 17. THE ELEPHANT, . *. , • . 500 18. BUSTS, . . . . 502 19. HOW THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS WAS SOLD, . 503 20. ON AUTUMN, .... . 505 21. PAYING FOR HIS PROVENDER BY PRATING, . 506 22. HUNTING TROUBLE, . 507 23. DARK DOINGS, .... . 508 24, A HARD CASE, . . . " . . 509 25. REPORTERS, .... . 510 26. HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER IN HIS POCKET, . ■ 511 27. THE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCTOR, . 513 28. ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE MORMONS, REPORTED BY HIMSELF, OB SOMEBODY ELSE, . 5i>' e ARTEMUS WARD HIS BOOK. AT THE DOOR OF THE TENT, Ladies and Genilemen, the Shoiv is about to commence. You could not well expect to go in without payings but you may pay without going in. I can say no fairer than that. INTRODUCTION. MUCH of the quaintness observable in American humour has come down from the old Puritans, whose sober treat- ment of comic things and comic treatment of sober matters give their talk a very different effect at the present time to what they intended. Old New England sermons abound in these incon- sistencies ; and, instead of being dull reading, are often the lightest, although the preachers were totally unaware of the comic touches they were giving to their outpourings. I have read somewhere a story of a pious but strong blacksmith — I think Mr Dickens knows something of the authorship ^vho pummelled an unbeliever into a state of satisfactory conver- sion, timing his blows to the most awakening revival tunes that he was master of The tale is not overdrawn, and I feel satisfied the occurrence has happened somewhere in America at one time or another. Not many years since, there was a famous preacher of the old Puritan school in one of the New England States, who used to play such pranks in the pulpit as our Kowland Hill is said to have done, and as a contemporary now occasionally indulges in at the Tabernacle, only the Eev. Lorenzo Dow was the more daring performer of the three. On one occasion he took a text from Paul, " / can do all things" The preacher paused, took off his spectacles, laid them on the open Bible, and said, "No, Paul, you are mistaken for once ; I '11 bet you five dollars you can't, and stake the money." At the same time putting his hand into his pocket, he took, out a five- 28 INTRODUCTION, dollar bill, laid it on the Bible, took up his spectacles again, and read, " Through Jesus Christ our Lord." " Ah, Paul ! " exclaimed Dow, snatching up the five-dollar bill, and return- ing it to his pocket, " that 's a very diiferent matter ; the bet 's withdrawn." The best stories I ever heard were those of a travelling American Methodist, at a place called Council Hill, a few miles back from the Upper Mississippi. He used to draw the neighbourhood twice or three times a week to " class-meetings ;" but the great treat for the people were his comic tales and " experiences " — as he termed them — which he used to nar- rate at the brick-store opposite, always crowded when Preacher Williams was in the way. He was a gi-eat man amongst the religious folk, and the most powerful revivalist in those parts ; the whole village, on one occasion, being closed to business for three days, the community in their best clothes, and all given up to the work of the Spirit, except two or three stub- born old bar-room keepers at the other end of the place, who were loudly prayed for in the meeting-house day and night. Preacher Williams' great art in "fetching" the house was shedding tears, which usually brought up the handkerchiefs from the females and the sleeves of the men in sorrowing sympathy, with numerous amens from the deaf old people behind, who could only tell by the movement in handkerchiefs when it was their turn to begin ; but crying had become so common to him, that telling a story had much the same effect upon his eyes as a sermon, and the consequence was, he always had a bleared, weak-eyed look. Otherwise he was not a bad- looking man. Gossipers did say that he would have been a bishop long ago but for this fatal gift at story-telling, which made the less talented ministers very jealous of him. This mixing of sacred with secular matters, commenced by the Puritans, is now common in almost all American thought and expression. In a senator's speech, in a stump oration, in a newspaper article, a parallel drawn anywhere from Genesis INTRODUCTION. 29 to the Eevelations is considered not only fair but elegant. In their humorous poems, as we all know by the " Biglow Papers," such biblical references are common. Some journals in this country rather severely criticised Mr Lowell for this, to them, exhibition of bad taste; but it may be doubted whether the Americans of the present day intend religious disrespect, any more than did the Puritan preachers of old. One thing is certain, that incongruity of ideas is carried to a much greater extent in American humour than it is in our own ; and it is this mental exaggeration, this odd mixture of widely different thoughts, that distinguishes Yankee from English fun. Most countries have a great many floating metaphors and popular figures of speech, which are full of amusement to the foreigner. Our own streets have many such quaint expressions, and the language is continually being recruited from them. In Artemus Ward's book the recent popular fun of America has been gathered up, and we may see in it a great deal of that small talk, that " chaff" — if we may so speak — which crowds are always casting up for their amusement. The incongruity of ideas just mentioned as peculiar to America, is especially observable in Ai-temus Ward. He is a cunning old fellow, with plenty of low humour, but without any education ; yet from his address card we may see that he figures as newspaper correspondent as well as orator and states- man. Of course the character is heightened for the sake of the fun ; but the portrait of Artemus, as given in " His Book," is not wholly caricature. In all parts of the United States many such odd personages may be met with. On the steam- boats of the Western rivers, in the railway cars, in the back- woods, the brothers and sisters of Mr AVard may be found. The country seems to delight in them, and it certainly never lacks any supply. Some years since, the best joker on tlie Mississippi was a " down east " man, who left his native state to mind a wood-pile in Tennessee. He lived by himself, and so INTRODUCTION. I do not think there was any house nearer to him than twenty or thirty miles ; but he was as full of fun and news as if he got a good living by comic penny-a-lining in a big city. His log shanty was close by the wood-pile, and his sole protection from some rather ugly wild animals in those parts was an old rifle hung up over the door. He begged newspapers from all steamboats that stopped to " wood-up," and in general chaff was more than a match for the passengers and crew combined. Like many other Americans, he had been through the whole directory of trades — by turns schoolmaster, storekeeper, nigger- driver (his last occupation), farmer, travelling dentist, and in the photographic line. He had one vanity, however — dress. On Sundays he came forth far finer than did the other Eobin- son Crusoe on the first day of the week. A finely-plaited white shirt, black satin waistcoat (the delight of the fashion- able West), and patent leather store boots, formed his usual attire on the Sabbath. I almost forgot to say that he had been a temperance man, doing good Fourth-of-July work when young, but latterly he had thought that a jug of whisky might be company for him, so he kept one, which was filled up from the boats as they passed. There was a strange old fellow, an early settler in Illinois, who gave a name to a tract of land in those parts. He was mild on all topics but one — teetotalism. Any wayfarer might have bed and board for a night, but woe betide him if he objected to take a glass with his host. Old M had one stock lecture always on hand. It was dead against the men who pledged themselves adverse to inebriating liquors. " Teu thunk," said the lecturer, "that Gaud shude gev us sich luvin preufs as Ohiar whiskey, old rum, and the best Neuw York brandy, and them all-fired temprunce ranturs shude go agin Him and His wurks ded-set. Say, you meesly critturs, why doant yir rail agin the Maker for givin us four-wheeled wag- gins, state tickets, steam-threshers, and other things sleeghtly onsartin in the runnin ? Liquors is blessins, groserys is bless- INTRODUCTION. 31 Ins, liand-saws is blessins, only we don't all go to-once and saw our fingurs off kerslap ! Do we ? Say, "will yer ? " There was another odd personage in the immediate neigh- bourhood, C. B. Denio, a whitewasher and stump speaker, also a lecturer. I don't suppose he ever had ten cents spent upon his early education, and he used to appear rather proud of being called off a ladder to address his " feller citerzens," with the sprinkles of whitewash still adhering to his face and clothes ; but he was what is known there as a powerful speaker, and soon after he was elected to the Legislature. At the present moment he is one of the principal officers of state in California. Characters of this kind are the idols of the American popu- lar mind, and the supply quite keeps pace with the demand. An ungenerous traveller in the United States, remarking on the difference betwixt public taste and opinion there, as com- pared with the feeling of the middle classes here, has said that a laudable desire to excel is the general characteristic of Americans, but that high moral competition was sadly inter- fered with by another taste which had a latent existence in all classes of society, from the bishops downwards — viz., to fight and drink whisky. The first mention that the writer remembers of Artemus was in Vanity Fair, a sort of New York Punchy where some very comic paragraphs appeared from time to time, giving us the sayings and opinions of " the showman," as he delighted in calling himself. These little sketches, dressed up in a burlesque orthography, and leaning on the broad Yankee dia- lect, like Burns' songs on the Scotch, for an increase of effect, soon attracted very general attention, and were quoted in the newspapers far and wide. Like Major Jack Downing, whose "Letters" at one time were famous, but which latterly have been found not equal in humour to the requirements of the crowd, Artemus Ward soon became a distinct character in the popular mind, and on any public occasion his opinion is almost sui-e to go the round of the press. After a time Mr Ward's 32 INTRODUCTION, savings were gathered up into a book, and a careful reprint of that, minus some sketches which have nothing to do with the " showman," is now before the reader. Artemus Ward is, as may have been surmised, a worn di flume. The real name of the author is Charles F. Brown ; and as his own biography affords a very fair example of the strange ups and downs incidental to American life, the following sketch from a New York paper will not be deemed out of place here: — He was born away down east in the town of Waterford, Me., in 1836. When quite young he entered a printing-office, and in a short time waa considered a first-rate type-sticker ; but getting tired of seeing the same old faces every day, he determined to start out on a travelling tour. He did so, and visited all the principal towns in New England, stopping at each place for a brief period, working at his trade. He finally settled down in Boston, where he worked with *' stick and rule " until his genius soared above the " case," and he was soon ensconced in the editorial chair, revel- ling in the flowery paths of literature. Comic stories and comic essays were his " fortus," as a celebrated divine once remarked. His effusions were read far and wide, and gained for him in a short time a very enviable reputation. Boston proving too small for the development of his ambi- tious ideas, he packed up his carpet-bag and steered for the West. On the shores of Lake Ei-ie, and on the banks of the Ohio and Mississippi, he picked up that knowledge of Western life, and acquired that acute insight into the comic side of Western character, which have stood out so conspicu- ously in his humorous sketches. In Toledo, Ohio, Mr Brown gained much credit as a writer. From Toledo he wended his steps to Cleveland, and took up his quarters in the editorial department of the Plaindealer. Up *' to this p'int in his eventful life" he was known as plain Charles F. Brown, but as soon as he commenced operations in Cleveland he baptized himself ** Artemus Ward.'* Assuming the management of his celebrated "wax figgers," his fame waxed higher and higher, Cleveland, like all other places that he had visited, became in its turn too small to hold him any longer, and he came to New York in the fall of 1860, and became enrolled among the corps editorial of Vanity Fair. His first attempt at lecturing was at Norwich, Conn., since which time he has been well known as a lecturer and comic author. His chief subjects are " The Babes in the Wood," " Sixty Minutes in Africa," " An Hour with President Lincoln," "Artemus Ward's Struggle with the Ghost," and " Life among the Mor- mons. " His lectures have been among the most popular of any delivered INTRODUCTION. 33 in this country. He haa received from literary societies very high sums for lecturing, and we have also heard it reliably stated that, recognising the debt of gratitude he uvves to his country, he has contributed nearly 5000 dollars to the Union cause, by lectures delivered within the past two years. On the 13th of October 186?, he sailed for California, preceded a month previous by Mr Kingston as business manager. He gave his first comic oration at Piatt's Music Hall, San Francisco, November 13. The tickets were one dollar each, and the hall was filled to its utmost capacity. The receipts amounted to 1465 dollars. His subject was ** The Babes in the Wood." His second oration was delivered November 17, at the same place, when the hall was not near large enough to hold the crowd. He then started on a tour through the country, appearing at Stockton, Marys- ville, and Sacramento. He repeated his " Babes in the Wood " at the Metropolitan Theatre, San Francisco, to a 900-doUar house. At a little town called Folsom, in a little mining theatre of rough boards, he had 150 dollars. The joke of the lecture did not seem to be very well understood, however, for in the midst of it the gentlemen with short pipes in the orchestra stalls requested Artemus to favour them with a song, persisting In their call till he gave them a new version of " Billy Barlow ;" after which they treated him to "can oysters" and California wine. In Oroville and Nevada City he lectured in a church. In Auburn he expatiated in a bil- liard-saloon. At Jackson, the new theatre not being luilt, he appeared in the basement of the gaol for one night only. The murderers' cells opened into it aU the way round, and by throwing open the iron doors the cells eould be turned into private boxes. At San Jos^ they illuminated the city with tar-barrels, which blazed in every thoroughfare on the night of his arrival. At Santa Clara, the building not being large enough, the entire audience adjourned to the open air, while Artemus, supported by Hingston, his agent, holding two wax candles, " spoke his piece" beneath the canojjy of the starry skies. While on his way to Salt Lake City he was captured by the Indians, who threatened to scalp him and carry him into captivity unless he danced the " Essence of Virginny," It was torture sufl&cient when miners out in California made him sing a comic song ; but the idea of dancing a nigger schottische was ten times worse. Brigham Young being " in with the Injuns," succeeded in having the showman restored to liberty and the Mormon women. The change, however, wasn't much better. After being caught by the Indians (and liberated), he in turn caught the typhoid fever, which was running loose in those parts, and it was given out that he was " sick unto death." On the 24th of February he lectured at Denver City, On the next evening he " spoke a piece " in Central City among the gold-miners — admission one dollar. Most of the tickets were bought up by speculators, and retailed by them at three, four, C 54 INTRODUCTION and five dollars each. Artemus and Hingston had a third capsize on the Bummit of the Eocky Mountains, at Bridger's Pass. The sleigh was broken, and they had to walk four miles through the snow at midnight. Both were attacked by a troop of hungry wofves, aud they had to beat back the beasts with revolvers. Eeturned to New York, April 3, 1864. On the 17th of October he opened Dodworth Hall with his representation on canvas of his travels in California and Salt Lake City. He opened to a very crowded auditory, and has continued up to the present writing to appear each night to the ilite of the city. His speculation has thus far proved a great success. During the representation of the "picters" Artemus is on hand, and describes in his own happy style everything that is interesting to his auditors, and more too. He is exceedingly funny, and keeps his hearers in a continual roar of laughter from the moment he first opens his mouth until the audience are dismissed for the night. lu appearance Artemus "Ward is tall, slender, and light-complexioned, with prominent features, fair hair, and very mirthful eyes. By the last accounts Artemus "Ward was still lecturing in New York, but it is expected that he will shortly bring his engagements there to a close and visit this country. Many who have heard him assert that he will draw as large crowds here as in his own country, and that, for a time at least, he will take the late Albert Smith's place among us. Some of Artemus's advertisements are exceedingly comic, certainly different from anything of the kind that we see in our newspapers : — ARTEMUS WARD! ARTEMUS WARDI IS AT HOME EVERY EVENING, AND ARTEMUS WARD RECEIVES CALLS AT DODWORTH HALL, 806 BROADWAY, where he has positively NO OBJECTIONS TO SEEING YOU. N.B. — The Hall is bounded on the north-west by Broadway aud the head of Eleventh Street, on the south-east by a yard, on the north-east by a vacant lot, and on the south- v. est by Grace Church. Artemus Ward as speaks at Dodworth Hall, and shows his Painting! the Evening of Every Day at 8 o'clock. Opening his Portals at 7^ o'clock. Gates of Ticket Bureau throvim wide to the public from 9 till 5. soil Broadway, handy to Grace Church. INTRODUCTION, 35 ARTEMUS WARD RESPECTFULLY ANNOUNCES— 1. That hia foot is once more on his native heath, and his name is Trooly Yours. 2. That his native heath at present is Dodworth Hall, No. 806 Broadway. 3. That Dodworth Hall is, in consequence, a historical spot, equal in aiterest to Tammany Hall, Mozart Hall, Oakey Hall, the City Hall, Gen. Hall, or any other Hall in town. 4. That nobody who has seen Artemus Ward's Pictures of the Mormons need ever go to the *'City of the Saints," or anywhere else, and the money thus saved may be spent in buying overcoats and breaking the backbone of the rebellion. 5. That the said Pictures have already been seen and examined by many distinguished people, and among others by A. L n, J. G. B tt, H. G y, H. J. K d, W. C. B 1, F. W d, M. M e, A. 0. H 11, H. B. W d, J. T. B y, S. C. M , Judge D y, Judge R 11, X. Y. Z., Gen. McC n, Gen. G 1, Gen. D x, Gen. S n, and the Gen. Public, all of whom agree that they are great Pictures, and that the entertainment ought to continue till this cruel war is over, in order that the soldiers may see it, and we may once more be a Happy Country. As every man has his price, A. Ward, not to be peculiar, begs to state that his price is Fifty Cents or One Dollar, according to circumstances. People of a Reserved turn generally pay One Dollar. Almost the first night of the performance in New York, William Cullen Bryant, the poet, attended the lecture, and he remarks in his Evening Post — " Artemus has a style of his own, which no lecturer has yet discovered. He says so many funny things that the audience sometimes let a * goak ' slip by un- noticed, and then Artemus will pause for a moment, with a downcast expression, till a sudden guffaw tells him that some- body has seen the point. His lecture, besides his rollicking fun, includes considerable valuable information, whieh is re- lieved from the tedious elements usually existing in valuable information by the panoramic pictures with which it is illus- trated. An excellent idea of social life in Great Salt Lake City is obtained from a visit to ' Yours trooly,* besides a good stock of jokes to pass off at the next dinner-party as original." The programme of "A. Ward" is quite a little comic album of itself, and includes the following " Rules of the House," which we trust all well-disposed persons in the audience will observe . — 36 INTRODUCTION. ** 1. ArtemuB "Ward is oompelled to charge 1 dollar for reserved seats, because oats, which two years ago cost 30 cents per bushel, now cost 1 dollar ; hay is also 1 dollar 75 cents per cwt., formerly 50 cents. ** 2. Persons who think they will enjoy themselves more by leaving the hall early in the evening, are requested to do so with as little noise as possible. ** 3. Children in arms not admitted if the arms are loaded. "4. Children under one year of age not admitted, unless accompanied by their parents or guardians. " 5. If any usher employed in the hall should assault the audience, he will be reprimanded. If the same conduct be frequently repeated, he will be discharged without a certificate of character. **6. Ladies and gentlemen will please report any negligence or dis- obedience on the part of the Lecturer. " 7. Artemus "Ward will not be responsible for any money, jewellery, or other valuables left with him — to be returned in a week or so. "8. The Manager will not be responsible for any debts of his own contracting. " 9, If the audience do not leave the hall when this entertainment is over, they will be put out by the police." A few remarks concerning the phraseology in which the following papers are written, seem necessary in this English edition. The reader must be careful to distinguish betwixt what is dialect and what mere incorrect orthography. Where the spelling is simply burlesque or cacographic, but little diffi- culty will be experienced in perusal ; where local or peculiar Americanisms occur, it is believed that the few foot-notes will explain the intention of the author. The intermixture of numerals with the t vtxtdy as " I was quite mad, at him ; *' " he made me mad,"^ 76 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. " Wall," sez I, " ef I find a individooal who is goin round lettin folks into his show free, I 'II let you know." "WeVe had a Kevelashun biddin us go into A. "Ward's Show without payin nothin !" thay showtid. " Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, ceasin me by the cote tales & swingin me round very rapid, " we 're all goin in free ! So sez the Revelashun ! " "What's Old Revelashun got to do with my Show?" sez I, gittin putty rily. "Tell Mister Revelashun," sed I, drawin myself up to my full hite and lookin round upon the ornery krowd with a prowd & defiant mean, *' tell Mister Revelashun to mind his own bizniss, subject only to the Konstitushun of the Unitid States ! " " Oh now let us in, that *s a sweet man," sed several femails, puttin thare arms rownd me in luvin stile. " Becum 1 of us. Becum a Freest s should he ready ! You're too smart to live on this yearth." He didn't try any more of his capers on me. But another pussylanermuss individooul, in a red vest & patent lether boots, told me his name was Bill Astor & axed me to lend him 50 cents till early in the mornin. I told him I 'd probly send it round to him before he retired to his virtoous couch, but if I didn't he might look for it next fall, as soon as I cut my corn. The Orchestry was now fiddling with all their might, & as the peple didn't understan anything about it they applaudid versifrussly. Presently Old Ed cum out. The play was Otheller or More of Veniss. Otheller was writ by Wm. Shakspeer. The scene is laid in Veniss. Otheller was a likely man & was a ginral in the Veniss army. He eloped with Desde- mony, a darter of the Hon. Mister Brabantio, who represented one of the back districks in the Veneshun legislates Old Brabantio was as mad as thunder at this & tore round consi- derable, but finally cooled down, tellin Otheller, howsever, that Desdemony had come it over her Par, & that he had better look out or she'd come it over him likewise. Mr & Mrs Otheller git along very comfortable like for a spell. She is sweet-tempered and luvin — a nice, sensible female, never goin in for he-female conventions, green cotton umbrellers and pickled beats. Otheller is a good provider and thinks all the world of his wife. She has a lazy time of it, the hired girl doin all the cookin and washin. Desdemony, in fact, don't hav to git the water to wash her own hands with. But a low cuss named lago, who I bleeve wants to git Otheller out of his snug government birth, now goes to work & upsets the Otheller family in the most outrajus stile. lago falls in with a braneless youth named Roderigo & wins all his money at poker. (lago allers played foul.) He thus got money enuif to carry out his onprincipled skeem. Mike Cassio, a Irish- man, is selected as a tool by lago. Mike was a clever feller <& V 82 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. ^ orficer in Otheller's army. He liked his tods* too well, hows ever, & they floored him, as they have many other promisin young men. • lago injuces Mike to drink with him, lago slyly throwin his whisky over his shoulder. Mike gits as drunk as a biled owl, & allows that he can lick a yard full of the Vene- shun fancy before breakfast, without sweatin a hair. He meets Roderigo and proceeds for to smash him. A feller named Montano undertakes to slap Cassio, when that infa- tooated person runs his sword into him. That miserable man, lago, pretents to be very sorry to see Mike conduck hisself in this way, & undertakes to smooth the thing over to Otheller, who rushes in with a drawn sword & wants to know what's up. lago cunninly tells his story, & Otheller tells Mike that he thinks a good deal of him, but he can't train no more in his regiment. Desdemony sympathises with poor Mike & interceeds for him with Otheller. lago mages him bleeve she does this because she thinks more of Mike than she does of hisself. Otheller swallers lago's lyin tail & goes to makin a noosence of hisself ginrally. He worries poor Desdemony terrible by his vile insinuations & finally smothers her to deth with a piller. Mrs lago cums in just as Otheller has ^nished the fowl deed and givs him fits right & left, showin him that he has bin orfully gulled by her miserble cuss of a husband. lago cums in, & his wife commences rakin him down also, when he stabs her. Otheller jaws him a spell & then cuts a small hole in his stummick with his sword. lago pints to Desdemony's deth bed & goes orf with a sardonic smile onto his countenance. Otheller tells the peple that he has dun the state sum service & they know it : axes them to do as fair a thing as they can for him under the circumstances, & kills hisself with a fish-knife, which is the most sensible thing he can do. This is a breef skedule of the synopsis of the play. Edwin Forrest is a grate acter. I thot I saw Otheller before • Contraction of tndcly. See foot-note, p. 37. SHOIV BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES. 83 me all the time he was actin, & when the curtin fell, I found my spectacles was still mistened with salt-water, which had run from my eyes while poor Desdemony was dyin. Betsy Jane — Betsy Jane ! let us pray that our domestic bliss may never be busted up by a lago ! Edwin Forrest makes money actin out on the stage. He gits five hundred dollars a nite & his board & washin. I wish 1 had such a Forrest in my Garding ! THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES.* I FEEL that the Show Bizniss, which Ive stroven to orny- ment, is bein usurpt by Poplar Lecturs, as thay air kallend Montcalm was both killed. In arter years a common monyment was erected by the gen'rous people of Quebeck, aided by a bully Earl named George Dalhousie, to these noble fellows. That was well done. Durin the Eevolutionary War B. Arnold* made his way, through dense woods and thick snows, from Maine to Que- beck, which it was one of the hunkiest things ever done in the military line. It would have been better if B. Arnold's funeral had come off immediately on his arrival there. On the Plains of Abraham there was onct some tall fitin, and ever since then there has been a great demand for the bones of the slew'd on that there occassion. But the real ginooine bones was long ago carried off, and now the boys make a hansum thing by cartin the bones of bosses and sheep out there, and sellin 'em to intelligent American towerists. * Benedict Arnold, whom Americans always stigmatise as " the traitor Arnold." IN CANADA. 263 Takiu a perfessional view of this dodge, I must say that it betrays genius of a lorfty character. It reminded me of an inspired feet of my own. I used to exhibit a wax figure of Henry Wilkins, the Boy Murderer. Henry had, in a moment of inadvertence, killed his Uncle Ephram, and walked off with the old man's money. Well, this stattoo was lost somehow, and not sposin it would make any particler difference, I substitooted the full-grown stattoo of one of my distinguished piruts for the Boy Murderer. One night I exhibited to a poor but honest audience in the town of Stone- ham, Maine. " This, ladies and gentlemen," said I, pointing my umbrella (that weapon which is indispensable to every troo American) to the stattoo, " this is a life-like wax figgei of the notorious Henry Wilkins, who in the dead of night murdered his Uncle Ephram in cold blood. A sad warning to all uncles havin murderers for nephews. When a mere child this Henry Wilkins was compelled to go to the Sunday- school. He carried no Sunday-school book. The teacher told him to go home and bring one. He went, and returned with a comic song book. A depraved proceedin." '* But," says a man in the audience, "when you was here before your wax figure represented Henry Wilkins as a boy. Now, Henry was hung, and yet you show him to us now as a full-grown man. How 's that ? " "The figger has growd, sir — it has growd," I said. I was angry. If it had been in these times I think I should have informed agin him as a traitor to his flag, and had him put in Fort Lafayette. I say adoo to Quebeck with regret. It is old fogyish, but chock full of interest. Young gentlemen of a romantic turn of mind, who air botherin their heads as to how they can spend their father's money, had better see Quebeck. Altogether I like Canady. Good people, and lots of pretty girls. I wouldn't mind comin over here to live in the capacity of a Duke, provided a vacancy occurs, and provided further, I 264 THE NOBLE RED MAN. could be allowed a few star-spangled banners, a eagle, a boon ©f liberty, etc. Don't think I've skedaddled. Not at all. -I'm coming home in a week. Let 's have the Union restored as it was, if we can ; but if we can't, Pm in favour of the Union as it wasnH. But the Union anyhow. Gentlemen of the editorial corps, if you would be happy be virtoous ! I, who am the emblem of virtoo, tell you so. (Signed) «A. Ward." 5.— THE NOBLE RED MAN. The red man of the forest was form'ly a very respectful person Justice to the noble aboorygine warrants me in sayin that of orrigemerly he was a majestic cuss. At the time Chris, arrove on these shores (I allood to Chris. Columbus), the savajis was virtoous and happy. They were innocent of secession, rum, drawpoker,* and sinfulness gin'rally. They didn't discuss the slavery question as a custom. They had no Congress, faro banks, delirium tremens, or Associated Press. Their habits was consequently good. Late suppers, dyspepsj'', gas companies, thieves, ward politicians, pretty waiter-girls, and other metropolitan refinements, were un- known among them. No savage in good standing would take postage-stamps. You couldn't have bo't a coon skin with a barrel of 'em. The female aboorygine never died of consump- tion, because she didn't tie her waist up in whalebone things ; but in loose and flowin garments she bounded, with naked feet, over hills and plains like the wild and frisky antelope. It was a onlucky moment for us when Chris, sot his foot onto these ere shores. It would have been better for us of the * " Draw-pocker " is a game of cards very commonly played on the Mis- sissippi steamers and elsewhere. THE SERENADE. 265 present day if the injins had given him a wann meal and sent him home ore the ragin billers. For the savages owned the country, and Columbus was a fillibuster. Cortez, Pizarro, and Walker were one-horse fillibusters— Columbus was a four-horse team fillibuster, and a large yaller dog under the waggin. I say, in view of the mess we are makin of things, it would have been better for us if Columbus had staid to home. It would have been better for the show bisniss. The circulation of Vanity Fair* would be larger, and the proprietors would all have boozum pins ! Yes, sir, and perhaps a ten-pin alley. By which I don't wish to be understood as intimatin that the scalpin wretches who are in the injin bisniss at the pre- sent day are of any account, or calculated to make home happy, specially the Sioxes of Minnesoty, who desarve to be murdered in the first degree, and if Popet will only stay in St Paul and not go near 'em himself, I reckon they will be. 6.— THE SERENADE. Things in our town is workin. The canal boat Lucy Ann called in here the other day and reported all quiet on the Wabash. The Lacy Ann has adopted a new style of Bin- nakle light, in the shape of a red-headed girl, who sits up over the compass. It works well. The artist I spoke about in my larst has returned to Phila- delphy. Before he left I took his lily-white hand in mine. I suggested to him that if he could induce the citizens of Phila- delphy to believe it would be a good idea to have white winder- shutters on their houses and white door-stones, he might make a fortin. " It 's a novelty," I added, " and may startle 'em at fust, but they may conclood to adopt it." * At the time of writing, Artemus Ward was editor of this periodical It is long defunct. + General Pope, after his failure in Virginia, was sent to fight the Indiana in the North-West. 266 THE SERENADE. As several of our public men are constantly being surprised with serenades, I concluded I 'd be surprised in the same way, so I made arrangements accordin. I asked the Brass Band how much they 'd take to take me entirely by surprise with a serenade. They said they 'd overwhelm me with a unexpected honour for seven dollars, which I excepted. I wrote out my impromptoo speech severil days beforehand, bein very careful to expunge all ingramatticisms and payin particler attention to the punktooation. It was, if I may say it without egitism, a manly effort ; but, alars ! I never delivered it, as the sekel will show you. I paced up and down the kitchin speakin my piece over so as to be entirely perfeck. My bloomin young daughter, Sarah Ann, bothered me summut by singin, " Why do summer roses fade % " " Because," said I, arter hearin her sing it about fourteen times, " because it 's their biz ! Let 'em fade." " Betsy," said I, pausin in the middle of the room and let- ting my eagle eye wander from the manuscrip — " Betsy, on the night of this here serenade, I desires you to appear at the winder dressed in white, and wave a lily-white handkercher. D'ye hear?" " If I appear," said that remarkable female, " I shall wave a lily-white bucket of bilin hot water, and somebody will be scalded. One bald-headed old fool will get Ms share." She refer'd to her husband. No doubt about it in my mind. But for fear she might exasperate me I said nothin. The expected night cum. At nine o'clock precisely there was sounds of footsteps in the yard, and the Band struck up a lively air, which when they did finish it, there was cries of " Ward ! Ward ! " I stept out onto the portico. A brief glance showed me that the assemblage was summut mixed. There was a great many ragged boys, and there was quite a number of grown-up persons evigently under the affluence of the intoxicatin bole. The Band was also drunk. Dr Schwazey, who was holdin up a post, seemed to be partic'ly drunk — so . THE SERENADE. 267 much so that it had got into his spectacles, which were stag- gerin wildly over his nose. But I was in for it, and I com- menced : — '' Feller Citizens, — For this onexpected honor " Leader of the Band. — Will you give us our money now, or wait till you git through ] " To this painful and disgustin interruption I paid no attention. " for this onexpected honor, I thank you." Leader of the Band. — But you said you'd give us seven dollars if we 'd play two choons." Again I didn't notice him, but resumed as follows : — " I say, I thank you warmly. When I look at this crowd of true Americans, my heart swells " Dr Schioazey. — So do I ! A voice. — We all do ! " my heart swells ^" A voice. — Three cheers for the swells. " We live," said I, " in troublous times, but I hope we shall again resume our former proud position, and go on in our glorious career ! " Dr Schwazey. — I 'm willin for one to go on in a glorious career ! Will you join me, fellow citizens, in a glorious career 1 What wages does a man git for a glorious career, when he finds himself? " Dr Schwazey," said I, sternly, " you are drunk. You 're distiirbin the meetin." Dr S. — Have you a banquet spread in the house ? I should like a rhynossyross on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on toast, or a horse and wagon roasted whole. Anything that 's handy. Don't put yourself out on my account. At this pint the Band begun to make hidyous noises with their brass horns, and an exceedingly ragged boy wanted to know if there wasn't to be some wittles afore the concern broke up ? I didn't exactly know what to do, and was just 268 A ROMANCE.— WILLIAM BARKER. on the pint of doin it, when a upper winder suddenly opened and a stream of hot water was bro't to bear on the disorderly crowd, who took the hint and retired at once. When I am taken by surprise with another serenade, I shall, among other arrangements, have a respectful company on hand. So no more from me to-day. When this you see, remember me. 7.— A ROMANCE.— WILLIAM BARKER, THE YOUNG PATRIOT. I. " No, William Barker, you cannot have my daughter's hand in marriage until you are her equal in wealth and social position." The speaker was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and the person whom he addressed was a fine-looking young man of twenty-five. With a sad aspect the young man withdrew from the stately mansion. n. Six months later the young man stood in the presence of the haughty old man. " What ! you here again 1 " angrily cried the old man. " Ay, old man," proudly exclaimed William Barker, " I am here, your daughter's equal and yours ! " The old man's lips curled with scorn. A derisive smile lit up his cold features ; when, casting violently upon the marble centre table an enormous roll of greenbacks, William Barker cried : — *' See ! Look on this wealth. And I 've tenfold more ! Listen, old man ! You spurned me from your door. But I did not despair. I secured a contract for furnishing the Army of the with beef " A ROMANCE.— THE CONSCRIPT, 269 " Yes, yes ! " eagerly exclaimed the old man. " and I bought up a* the disabled cavalry horses I could find " " I see ! I see ! " cried the old man. " And good beef they make, too." " They do ! they do ! and the profits are immense." " I should say so ! " " And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand ! " " Boy, she is yours. But hold ! Look me in the eye. Throughout all this have you been loyal 1 " " To the core ! " cried William Barker. "And," continued the old man, in a voice husky with emotion, " are you in favour of a vigorous prosecution of the war?" ' "lam! lam!" " Then, boy, take her ! Maria, child, come hither. Your William claims thee. Be happy, my children ! and whatever our lot in life may be, let us all m;pport the Government J " * 8.— A ROMANCE.— THE CONSCRIPT. [Which may bother the reader a little, unless he is familiar with the music of the day.] CHAPTER I. Philander Reed struggled with spool- thread t and tape in a dry-goods store at Ogdensburgh, on the St Lawrence River, State of New York. He Rallied Round the Flag, Boys, J and Hailed Columbia every time she passed that way. One day, • Aimed as this arrow (the whole chapter) was against the Shoddyites in the days of Shoddy, the reader can understand how the shaft went home. t It is a spool of cotton, not a reel, in the States. X Nearly all the phrases in this sketch are titles of American songs popular during the war. 270 A ROMANCE,-^THE CONSCRIPT, a regiment returning from the war Came Marching Along, bringing An Intelligent Contraband with them, who left the South about the time Babylon was a-Fallin, and when it was apparent to all well-ordered minds that the Kingdom was Coming, accompanied by the Day of Jubiloo. Philander left his spool-thread and tape, rushed into the street, and by his Long-Tail Blue, said, " Let me kiss him for his Mother." Then, with patriotic jocularity, he inquired, " How is your High Daddy in the Morning ? " to which Pomp of Cudjo's Cave replied, " That poor Old Slave has gone to rest, we ne'er shall see him more ! But U. S. G. is the man for me, or Any Other Man." Then he Walked Round. "And your Master," said Philander, "where is he? " " Massa 's in the cold, cold ground — at least I hope so !/* said the gay contraband. " March on, March on ! all hearts rejoice ! " cried the Colonel, who was mounted on a Bob-tailed nag — on which, in times of Peace, my soul, Peace ! he had betted his money. " Yaw," said a German Bold Sojer Boy, " we don't-fights- mit-Segel as much as we did." The regiment marched on, and Philander betook himself to his mother's Cottage near the Banks of that Lone River, and rehearsed the stirring speech he was to make that night at a war meeting. " It 's just before the battle, Mother," he said, " and I want to say something that will encourage Grant." CHAPTER II. — MABEL. Mabel Tucker was an orphan. Her father, Dan Tucker, was run over one day by a train of cars, though he needn't have been, for the kind-hearted engineer told him to Git Out of the Way. Mabel early manifested a marked inclination for the millinery business, and at the time we introduce her to our readers, she A ROMANCE.— THE CONSCRIPT. 271 was Chief Engineer of a Millinery Shop and Boss of a Sewing Machine. Philander Reed loved Mabel Tucker, and Ever of her was Fondly Dreaming ; and she used to say, " Will you love me Then as Now?" to which he would answer that he would, and without the written consent of his parents. She sat in the parlour of the Cot where she was Born, one Summer's eve, with pensive thought, when Somebody came Knocking at the Door. It was Philander. Fond Embrace and things. Thrilling emotions. P. very pale, and shaky on the legs. Also, sweaty. " Where hast thou been 1 " she said. " Hast been gathering shells from youth to age, and then leaving them like a che-eild ] Why this tremors ? Why these Sadfulness ? " *' Mabeyuel ! " he cried, " Mabeyuel ! They Ve Drafted me into the Army ! " An Orderly Seargeant now appears and says, " Come, Phil- ander, let 's be a marching ; " and he tore her from his embrace (P.'s), and marched the conscript to the Examining Surgeon's office. Mabel fainted in two places. It was worse than Brothers Fainting at the Door. CHAPTER in. — THE CONSCRIPT. Philander Reed hadn't three hundred dollars, being a dead- broken Reed, so he must either become one of the noble Band who are Coming, Father Abraham, three hundred thousand more, or skedaddle across the St Lawrence River to the Canada Line. As his opinions had recently undergone a radical change, he chose the latter course, and was soon Afloat, afloat, on the swift rolling tide. "Row, brothers, row," he cried, " the stream runs fast, the Seargeant is near, and the 'Zamina- tion 's past, and I 'm a able-bodied man." Landing, he at once imprinted a conservative kiss on the Canada Line, and feelingly asked himself, " Who will care for 272 A ROMANCE.— THE CONSCRIPT, Mother now % But I propose to stick it out on tliis Line, if it takes all Summer." CHAPTER IV.— THE MEETING. It was evening, it was. The Star of the Evening, Beautiful Star, shone brilliantly, adorning the sky with those Neutral tints which have characterised all British skies ever since this War broke out. Philander sat on the Canada Line, playing with his Yard- stick, and perhaps about to take the measure of an unmade piece of calico ; when Mabel, with a wild cry of joy, sprang from a small boat to his side. The meeting was too much. They divided a good square faint between them this time. At last Philander found his utterance, and said, " Do they think of me at Home, do they ever think of me 1 " " No," she replied, " but they do at the recruiting office." " Ha ! ^tis well." " Nay, dearest," Mabel pleaded, " come home and go to the war Hke a man ! I will take your place in the Dry Goods store. True, a musket is a little heavier than a yardstick, but isn't it a rather more manly weapon ? " " I don't see it," was Philander's reply ; " besides, this wai isn't conducted accordin to the Constitution and Union. When it is — when it is, Mabeyuel, I will return and enlist as a Con- valescent ! " " Then, sir," she said, with much American disgust in hei countenance — " then, sir, farewell ! " " Farewell ! " he said, " and When this Cruel War is Over, pray that we may meet again ! " " Nary ! " cried Mabel, her eyes flashing warm fire, — " nary I None but the brave deserve the Sanitary Fair ! A man who will desert his country in its hour of trial would drop Faro checks* into the Contribution Box on Sunday. I hain't * The pieces of ivory used by gamblers in playing the game of A ROMANCE.— ONLY A MECHANIC. 273 Got time to tarry — I hain't got time to stay ! — but here 's a gift at parting : a White Feather : wear it into your hat ! " and She was Gone from his gaze, like a beautiful dream. Stung with remorse and mosquitoes, this miserable young man, in a fit of frenzy, unsheathed his glittering dry-goods scissors, cut off four yards (good measure) of the Canada Line, and hanged h^jnself on a Willow Tree. Requiescat in Tape. His stick drifted to My Country 'tis of thee ! and may be seen, in connection with many others, on the stage of any New York .theatre every night. The Canadiars won't have any Line pretty soon. The skedaddlers will steal it. Then the Canadians won't know whether they 're in the United States or not, in which case they may be drafixed. Mabel married a Brigadier-General, and is happy. 9.— A ROMANCE.— ONLY A MECHANIC. In a sumptuously furnished parlour in Fifth Avenue, New York, sat a proud and haughty belle. Her name was Isabel Sawtelle. Her father was a millionaire, and his ships, richly laden, ploughed many a sea. By the side of Isabel Sawtelle sat a young man, with a dear, beautiful eye, and a massive brow. " I must go," he said ; " the foreman will wonder at my absence." " The foreman ? " asked Isabel, in a tone of surprise. " Yes, the foreman of the shop where I work." " Foreman — shop — work! What ! do you work ? " " Ay, Miss Sawtelle! I am a cooper!" and his eyes flashed with honest pride. " What 's that ? " she asked ; " it is something about barrels, isn't it 1" 8 274 BOSTON. " It is I " he said, with a flashing nostril. " And hogs- heads." " Then go ! " she said, in a tone of disdain — " go awayV* "Ha!" he cried, "you spurn me, then, because I am a mechanic. Well, be it so ! though the time will come, Isabel Sawtelle," he added — and nothing could exceed his looks at this moment — '* when you will bitterly remember the cooper you now so cruelly cast of! Farewell T Years rolled on. Isabel Sawtelle married a miserable axis- ^ tocrat, who recently died of delirium tremens. Her father failed, and is now a raving maniac, and wants to bite little children. All her brothers (except one) were sent to the peni- tentiary for burglary, and her mother peddles clams that are stolen for her by little George, her only son that has his free- dom. Isabel's sister, Bianca, rides an immoral spotted horse in the circus, lier husband having long since been hanged for murdering his own uncle on his mother's side. Thus we see that it is always best to marry a mechanic. lo.— BOSTON. A. W. TO HIS WIFE.* Dear Betsy, — I write you this from Boston, " the Modern Atkins," as it is denomyunated, altho' I skurcely know what those air. I'll giv you a kursoory view of this city. I'll klassify the paragrafs under seprit headins, arter the stile of those Emblems of Trooth and Poority, the Washington corres- pongdents : — COPPS' HILL. The winder of my room commands a exileratin view of * Though Artemus addresses this " to his wife," he was a bachelor when I parted from him four months ago, and, I believe, ia so stilL This note UB for the benefit of the ladies. BOSTOI^. 275 Copps' Hill, where Cotton Mather, the father of the Reformers and sich, lies berrid. There is men even now who worship Cotton, and there is wimin who wear him next their harts. But I do not weep for him. He 's bin ded too lengthy. I aint goin to be absurd, like old Mr Skillins, in our naberhood, who is ninety-six years of age, and gets drunk every 'lection day, and weeps Bitturly because he haint got no Parents. He 's a nice Orphan, he is. BUNKER HILL. Bunker Hill is over yonder in Charleston. In 1 776 a thrillin dramy was acted out over there, in which the " Warren Com- bination" * played star parts. MRFANUEL. Old Mr Fanuel is ded, but his Hall t is still into full blarst. This is the Cradle in which the Goddess of Liberty was rocked, my Dear. The Goddess hasn't bin very well durin the past few years, and the num'ris quack doctors she called in didn't help her any ; but the old gal's physicians now are men who understand their bisness, Major-generally speakin, and I think the day is near when she '11 be able to take her three meals a day, and sleep nights as comf 'bly as in the old time. THE COMMON. It is here, as ushil ; and the low cuss who called it a Wacant Lot, and wanted to know why they didn't ornament it with sum Bildins, is a onhappy Outcast in Naponsit. • Mr "William Warren, the comedian, is the uncle of Mr Joseph Jeffer- son, the actor, now in this country. He was travelling with a theatrical combination at the time of this article being written. + Faneuil Hall, Boston, wherein the first revolutionary speeches were made. The Bostonians delight in calling it the " Cradle of Liberty." 276 BOSTON. THE LEGISLATUR. The State House is filled with Statesmen, but sum of *em wear queer hats. They buy 'em, I take it, of hatters who carry on hat stores down-stairs in Dock Square, and whose hats is either ten years ahead of the prevalin stile, or ten years behind it — ^jest as a intellectooal person sees fit to think about it. I had the pleasure of talkin with sevril members of the legislatur. I told 'em the Eye of 1000 ages was onto we American peple of to-day. They seemed deeply inpressed by the remark, and wantid to know if I had seen the Grate Orgin ? * HARVARD COLLEGE. This celebrated institootion of learnin is pleasantly situated in the Bar-room of Parker's, in School Street,t and has poopils from all over the country. I had a letter yes'd'y, by the way, from our mootual son, Artemus, Jr., who is at Bowdoin College in Maine. He writes that he 's a Bowdoin Arab, k is it cum to this ? Is this Boy, as 1 nurtered with a Parent's care into his childhood's hour — is he goin to be a Grate American humourist ? Alars ! I fear it is too troo. Why didn't I bind him out to the Patent Travellin Vegetable Pill Man, as was struck with his appear- ance at our last County Fair, & wanted him to go with him and be a Pillist ? Ar, these Boys — they little know how the old folks worrit about 'em. But my father he never had no occasion to worrit about me. You know, Betsy, that when I fust commenced my career as a moral exhibitor with a six- legged cat and a Bass drum, I was only a simple peasant child — skurce 15 Summers had flow'd over my yoothful hed. But I had sum mind of my own. My father understood this. " Go," he said — " go, my son, and hog the public ! " (he ment, * The great organ in the Music Hall is the latest " lion *' of Boston. + Alluding to the extreme popularity of this drinking-saloon among the students of Harvard College. BOSTON, 277 "knock 'cm," but the old man was alius a little given to slang). He put his withered han' tremblinly onto my hed, and went sadly into the house. I thought I saw tears tricklin down his venerable chin, but it might hav been tobacker jooce. He chaw'd. LTTERATOOR. The Atlantic Montlily^ Betsy, is a reg'lar visitor to our westun home. I like it because it has got sense. It don't print stories with piruts and honist young men into 'em, making the piruts splendid fellers and the honist young men dis'gree'ble idiots — so that our darters very nat'rally prefer the piruts to the honist young idiots ; but it gives us good square American literatoor. The chaps that write for the Atlantic, Betsy, understand their bisness. They can sling ink, they can. I went in and saw 'em. I told 'em that theirs was a high and holy mission. They seemed quite gratified, and asked me if I had seen the Grate Orgin. WHERE THE FUST BLUD WAS SPILT. I went over to Lexington yes'd'y. My Boosum hove with solium emotions. " & this," I said to a man who was drivin a yoke of oxen, "this is where our revolutionary forefathers asserted their independence and spilt their Blud. Classic ground ! " " Wall," the man said, " it 's good for white beans and potatoes, but as regards raisin wheat, t'aint worth a dam. But hav you seen the Grate Orgin ? " THE POOTY GIRL IN SPECTACLES. I returned in the Hoss Cars, part way. A pooty girl in spectacles sot near me, and was tellin a young man how much he reminded her of a man she used to know in WalthanL Pooty soon the young man got out, and, smilin in a seductiv 278 BOSTON manner, I said to the girl in spectacles, " Don't I remind yon of somebody you used to know % " " Yes," she said, " you do remind me of one man, but he was sent to the penitentiary for stealin a Bar'l of mackril — he died there, so I conclood you aint Mm." I didn't pursoo the conversation. I only heard her silvery voice once more durin the remainder of the jerney. Turnin to a respectable lookin female of advanced summers, she asked her if she had seen the Grate Orgin. We old chaps, my dear, air apt to forget that it is sum time since we was infants, and et lite food. Nothin of further int'rist took place on the cars excep a coloured gentleman, a total stranger to me, asked if I'd lend him my diamond Brest- pin to wear to a funeral in South Boston. I told him I wouldn't — not a jpurpuss. WILD GAME. Altho' fur from the prahayries, there is abundans of wild game in Boston, such as quails, snipes, plover, and Props.* COMMON SKOOLS. A excellent skool sistim is in vogy here. John Slurk, my old pardner, has a little son who has only bin to skool two months, and yet he exhibertid his father's performin Bear in the show all last summer. I hope they pay partic'lar 'tention to Spelin in these Skools, because if a man can't Spel wel he's of no 'kount. SUMMIN UP. I ment to have allooded to the Grate Orgin in this letter, but I haven't seen it. Mr Eeveer, whose tavern f I stop at, informed me that it can be distinctly heard through a smoked • The game of " props," played with cowrie shells, is, I believe, peciUiaar to the city of Boston, t The Revere House is one of the best family hotels in Boston. A MORMON ROMANCE, 279 glass in his nativ town in New Hampshire, any clear day. But settin the Grate Orgin aside (and indeed, I don't think I heard it mentioned all the time I was there), Boston is one of the grandest, sure-footedest, clear-headest, comfortablest cities on the globe. On like ev'ry other large city I was ever in, the most of the hackmen don't seem to hav bin speshully intended by natur for the Burglery perfession, and it's about the only large city I know of where you don't enjoy a brilliant opportunity of bein swindled in sum way, from the Risin of the sun to the goin down thereof. There4: I say, loud and con tinnered applaus for Boston ! DOMESTIC MATTERS. Kiss the children for me. What you tell me 'bout the Twins greeves me sorely. When I sent 'em that Toy Enjine I bad not contempyulated that they would so fur forgit what was doo the dignity of our house as to squirt dish-water on the Incum Tax Collector. It is a disloyal act, and shows a prema- toor leanin tords cussedness that alarms me. I send to Amelia Ann, our oldest dawter, sum new music, viz. : " I am lonely sints My Mother-in-law Died ; " " Dear Mother, What tho' the Hand that Spanked me in my Childhood's Hour is, withered now?" &c. These song writers, by the way, air doin the Mother Bisiness rather too muchly. — Your Own Troo Husban, Artemus Ward. II.— A MORMON ROMANCE.— REGINALD GLOVERSON. chapter I. — the mormon's departurk The morning on which Reginald Gloverson was to leave Great Salt Lake City with a mule-train dawned beautifully. Reginald Gloverson was a young and thrifty Mormon, with 28o A MORMON ROMANCE. an interesting family of twenty young and handsome wives. His unions had never been blessed with children. As often as once a year he used to go to Omaha, in Nebraska, with a mule- train for goods; but although he had performed the rather perilous journey many times with entire safety, his heart was strangely sad on this particular morning, and filled with gloomy forebodings. The time for his departure had arrived. The high-spirited mules were at the door, impatiently champing their bits. The Mormon stood sadly among his weeping wives. " Dearest ones," he said, " I am singularly sad at heart, this morning; but do not let this depress you. The journey is a perilous one, but — pshaw ! I have always come back safely heretofore, and why should I fear? Besides, I know that every night, as I lay down on the broad starlit prairie, your bright faces will come to me in my dreams, and make my slumbers sweet and gentle. You, Emily, with your mild blue eyes ; and you, Henrietta, with your splendid black hair ; and you, Nelly, with your hair so brightly, beautifully golden ; and you, MoUie, with your cheeks so downy ; and you, Betsy, with your wine-red lips — far more delicious, though, than any wine I ever tasted ; and you, Maria, with your winsome voice ; and you, Susan, with your — with your — that is to say, Susan, with your and the other thirteen of you, each so good and beautiful, will come to me in sweet dreams, will you not, Dearestists 1 " " Our own," they lovingly chimed, " we will ! " " And so farewell ! " cried Eeginald. " Come to my arms my own ! " he said ; " that is, as many of you as can do it conveniently at once, for I must away." He folded several of them to his throbbing breast, and drove sadly away. But he had not gone far when the trace of the off-hind mule became unhitched. Dismounting, he essayed to adjust the A MORMON ROMANCE. 281 trace ; but ere he had fairly commenced the task, the mule, a singularly refractory animal, snorted wildly, and kicked Reg- inald frightfully in the stomach. He arose with diflBculty, and tottered feebly towards his mother's house, which was near by, falling dead in her yard, with the remark, " Dear mother, I Ve come home to die." " So I see," she said ; *' where 's the mules ? " Alas ! Reginald Gloverson could give no answer. In vain the heart-stricken mother threw herself upon his inanimate form, crying, " Oh, my son, my son ! only tell me where the mules are, and then you may die if you want to." In vain — in vain ! Reginald had passed on. CHAPTER II. — FUNERAL TRAPPINGS. The mules were never found. Reginald's heartbroken mother took the body home to her unfortunate son's widows. But before her arrival she indis- creetly sent a boy to bust the news gently to the afflicted wives, which he did by informing them, in a hoarse whisper, that their " old man had gone in." The wives felt very badly indeed. " He was devoted to me," sobbed Emily. " And to me," said Maria. " Yes," said Emily, " he thought considerably of you, but not so much as he did of me." "I say he did!" " And I say he didn't ! ** « He did ! " «' He didn't!" " Don't look at me, with your squint eyes ! ** " Don't shake your red head sXme !" ** Sisters ! " said the black-haired Henrietta, " cease this un- seemly wrangling. I, as his first wife, shall strew flowers on his grave." 282 A MORMON ROMANCE. " No, you uorUt,^' said Susan. *' I, as his last wife, shall strew flowers on his grave. It 's my business to strew ! " " You shan't, so there ! " said Henrietta. " You bet I will ! " said Susan, with a tear-suff'used cheek. " Well, as for me," said the practical Betsy, " I ain't on the Strew, much, but I shall ride at the head of the funeral pro- cession ! " *' Not if I Ve been introduced to myself, you won't," said the golden-haired Nelly; "that's my position. You bet your bonnet-strings it is." " Children," said Eeginald's mother, " you must do some crying, you know, on the day of the funeral ; and how many pocket-handkerchers will it take to go round ? Betsy, you and Nelly ought to make one do between you." " I '11 tear her eyes out if she perpetuates a sob on my hand- kercher ! " said Nelly. " Dear daughters-in-law," said Reginald's mother, " how un- seemly is this anger. Mules is five hundred dollars a span, and every identical mule my poor boy had has been gobbled up by the red man. I knew when my Reginald staggered into the door-yard that he was on the Die, but if I 'd only thunk to ask him about them mules ere his gentle spirit took flight, it would have been four thousand dollars in (ywr pockets, and no mistake ! Excuse those real tears, but you Ve never felt a parent's feelins." " It 's an oversight," sobbed Maria. " Don't blame us ! " CHAPTER III. — DUST TO DUST. The funeral passed off in a very pleasant manner, nothing occurring to mar the harmony of the occasion. By a happy thought of Reginald's mother the wives walked to the grave twenty a-breast, which rendered that part of the ceremony thoroughly impartial. That night the twenty wives, with heavy hearts sought their A MORMON ROMANCE. 283 twenty respective couches. But no Reginald occupied those twenty respective couches — Reginald would never more linger all night in blissful repose in those twenty respective couches — Reginald's head would never more press the twenty re- spective pillows of those twenty respective couches never, never more ! In another house, not many leagues from the House of Mourning, a gray-haired woman was weeping passionately. '' He died," she cried, " he died without sigerfyin, in any respect, where them mules went to ! " CHAPTER IV. — ILAJIRIED AGAIN. Two years are supposed to elapse between the third and fourth chapters of this original American romance. A manly Mormon, one evening, as the sun was preparing to set among a select apartment of gold and crimson clouds in the western horizon — although for that matter the sun has a right to " set " where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen — a manly Mormon, I say, tapped gently at the door of the man- sion of the late Reginald Gloverson. The door was opened by Mrs Susan Gloverson. " Is this the house of the widow Gloverson ? " the Mormon asked. " It is," said Susan. " And how many is there of she ? " inquired the Mormon. " There is about twenty of her, including me," courteously returned the fair Susan. "Can I see her?" " You can." " ^ladam," he softly said, addressing the twenty disconsolate widows, ** I have seen part of you before ! And although I have already twenty-five wives, whom I respect and tenderly care for, I can truly say that I never felt love's holy thrill till I saw thee ! Be mine — be mine ! " he enthusiastically cried, 284 ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. "and we will show the world a striking illustration of the beauty and truth of the noble lines, only a good deal more so — • Twenty-one souls with a single thought, Twenty-one hearts that beat as one ! ' " They were united, they were ! Gentle reader, does not the moral of this romance show that — does it not, in fact, show that however many there may be of a young widow woman — or rather, does it not show that whatever number of persons one woman may consist of — well, never mind what it shows. Only this writing Mormon romances is confusing to the intellect. You try it and see. 12.— ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. Richmond, Va., May — , 18 <§ 65. OLONZO WARD. Ai'ORE I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol, I desire to cimply say that I hav seen a low and skurrilus noat in the papers from a certain purson who singes hisself Olonzo Ward, & sez he is my berruther.* I did once hav a berruther of that name, but I do not recugnise him now. To me he is wuss than ded ! I took him from collige sum 16 years ago, and gave him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my Show. How did he repay me for this kindness ? He basely undertook (one day while in a Backynalian mood on rum, & right in sight of the aujience in the tent) to stand upon his hed, whareby he betray'd his sex on account of his boots & his Beard fallin off his face, thus rooinin my prospecks in that town, & likewise incurrin the seris displeasure of the Press, which sed boldly I was triflin with the feelins of a intelligent public. I know no such man as Olonzo Ward. I do not ever * Two or three scamps in the United States have endeavoured to pass themselves off as brothers of Artemus Ward. He has no brothers living. ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND, 285 wish his name breathed in my presents. I do not recognise him. I perfectly disgust him. RICHMOND. The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb. I cum here a few days arter the city catterpillertulated. My naburs seemed surprised & astonisht at this darin bravery onto the part of a man at my time of life, but our family was never knowd to quale in danger's stormy hour. My father was a sutler in the Eevolootion War. My father once had a intervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette. He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars, promisin to pay him in the Fall ; but Lafy said " he couldn't see it in those lamps." Lafy was French, and his knowledge of oui langwidge was a little shaky. Loamejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to the Spotswood House,* and callin to my assistans a young man from our town who writes a good runnin hand, I put my ortograph on the Register, and handin my umbrella to a bald-heded man behind the counter, who I s'posed was Mr Spotswood, I said, " Spotsy, how does she run \ " He called a cullud purson, and said : "Show the gen'lman to the cowyard, and giv him cart number L" " Isn't Grant here 1 " I said. " Perhaps Ulyssis wouldn't mind my tumin in with him." " Do you know the Gin'ral % " inquired Mr Spotswood. "Wall, no, not 'zackly; but he'll remember me. His brother-in-law's Aunt bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi all one winter. My uncle Levi's rye meal was ^" " Pooh ! pooh ! " said Spotsy, " don't bother me," and he ghuv'd my umbrella onto the floor. Obsarvin to him not to * Celebrated as the hotel occupied by the Confederate authorities duriug the late war. 286 ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. be so keerless with that wepin, I accompanid the African to my lodgins, "My brother," I sed, "air you aware that you've bin 'mancipated ? Do you reahse how glorus it is to be free ? Tell me, my dear brother, does it not seem like some dream, or do you realise the great fact in all its livin and holy magnitood ? " He sed he would take some gin. I was show'd to the cowyard, and laid down under a one- mule cart. The hotel was orful crowded, and I was sorry I hadn't gone to the Libby Prison. Tho' I should hav slept comf ble enuff if the bedclothes hadn't bin pulled off me durin the night by a scoundrel who cum and hitched a mule to the cart and druv it off. I thus lost my cuverin, and my throat feels a little husky this mornin. Gin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the city, givin me my choice of hospitals. He has also very kindly placed at my disposal a small-pox amboolance. UNION SENTIMENT. There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment in this city. I see it on ev'ry hand. I met a man to-day — I am not at liberty to tell his name, but he is a old and inflooentooial citizen of Eichmond, and sez he, " Why ! we 've bin fightin agin the Old Flag ! Lor bless me, how sing'lar ! " He then borrer'd five dollars of me and bust into a flood of tears. Sed another (a man of standin and formerly a bitter rebuel), " Let us at once stop this effooshun of Blud ! The Old Flag is good enuff for me. Sir," he added, " Tou air from the North I Have you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about you % " I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont who had just organised a sort of restaurant, where he could go and make a very comfortable breakfast on New England rum and ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND, 287 cheese. He borrowed fifty cents of me, and askin me to send him Wm. Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon as I got home, he walked off. Said another, " There 's bin a tremenduous Union feelin hero from the fust. But we was kept down by a rain of terror. Have you a dagerretype of Wendell Phillips about your per- son % and will you lend me four dollars for a few days till we air once more a happy and united people ? '* JKFF. DAVIS. Jeff. Davis is not pop'lar here. She is regarded as a Southern sympathiser. & yit I'm told he was kind to his Parents. She ran away from 'em many years ago, and has never bin back. This was showin 'em a good deal of con- sideration when we reflect what his conduck has been. Her captur in female apparel confooses me in regard to his sex, & you see I speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise, & I guess he feels so hisself. R. LEE. Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller. He was opposed to the war at the fust, and draw'd his sword very reluctant. In fact, he wouldn't hav draw'd his sword at all, only he had a large stock of military clothes on hand, which he didn't want to waste. He sez the coloured man is right, and he will at once go to New York and open a Sabbath School for negro minstrels. THE CONFEDERATE ARMY. The surrender of R. Lee, J. Johnston, and others, leaves the Confedrit Army in a ruther shattered state. That army now consists of Kirby Smith, four mules, and a Bass drum, and is movin rapidly to'rds Texis. A PROUD AND HAWTY SUTHEl^lR. Feelin a little peckish, I went into a eatin house to-day, 288 ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. and encountered a young man with long black hair and slender frame. He didn't wear much clothes, and them as he did wear looked onhealthy. He frowned on me, and sed, kinder scornful, " So, Sir — you come here to taunt us in our hour of trouble, do you % " " No," said I, " I cum here for hash ! " " Pish-haw ! " he sed, sneerinly ; " I mean you air in this city for the purpuss of gloatin over a fallen peple. Others may basely succumb, but as for me, I will never yield — never, never 1 " " Hav suthin to eat ! " I pleasantly suggested. "Tripe and onions!" he sed, furcely; then he added, "I eat with you, but I hate you. You 're a low-Uved Yankee !" To which I pleasantly replied, "How'l you have your tripe r' " Fried, mudsill ! with plenty of ham-fat !'* He et very ravenus. Poor feller ! He had lived on odds and ends for several days, eatin crackers that had bin turned over by revelers in the bread-tray at the bar. He got full at last, and his hart softened a Httle to'ards me. " After all," he sed, '•' you hav sum peple at the North who air not wholly loathsum beasts V *' Well, yes," I sed, " we hav now and then a man among us who isn't a cold-bluded scoundril. Young man," I mildly but gravely sed, " this crooil war is over, and you 're Uckt ! It*s rather necessary for sumbody to lick in a good square, lively fite, and in this 'ere case it happens to be the United States of America. You fit splendid, but we was too many for you. Then make the best of it, & let us all give in and put the Republic on a firmer basis nor ever. " I don't gloat over your misfortins, my young fren. Fur from it. I'm a old man now, & my hart is softer nor it once was. You see my spectacles is misten'd with suthin very like tears. I 'm thinkin of the sea of good rich blud that has been spilt on both sides in this dredful war ! I 'm thinkin of our A. 1VARD TO THE PRINCE OF IVALES. 289 widders .ind orfuns North, and of your'n in the South. I kin cry for both. B'leeve me, my young fren, I kin place my old hands tenderly on the fair yung hed of the Virginny maid whose lover was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral bullet, and say, as fervently and piously as a vener'ble sinner like me kin say anythin, God be good to you, my poor dear, my poor dear." I riz up to go, do. I hope she is happy — b ecause I am. t Some people are not happy. I have noticed that. A gentleman friend of mine came to me one day with tears in his eyes. I said " Why these weeps 1 " He said he had a mortgage on his farm — and wanted to borrow £200. I lent him the money — and he went away. Some time after he re- turned with more tears. He said he must leave me for ever. ] ventured to remind him of the £200 he borrowed. He was much cut up. I thought I would not be hard upon him — 60 told him I would throw off one hundred pounds. He brightened — shook my hand — and said — "Old friend — I won't allow you to outdo me in liberality — I'll throw off the other hundred." As a manager I was always rather more successful than as an actor. * "Failed as an acter." — Artemus made many attempts as an amateur actor, but never to his own satisfaction. He was very fond of the society of actors and actresses. Their weaknesses amused him as much as their talents excited his admiration. One of his favourite sayings was that the world was made up of " men, women, and the people on the stage." + " Because I am I " — Spoken with a sigh. It was a joke which always told. Artemus never failed to use it in his " Babes in the "Wood " lec- ture, and the " Sixty Minutes in Africa," as well as in the Mormon story. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 361 Some years ago I engaged a celebrated Living American Skeleton for a tour through Australia. He was the thinnest man I ever saw. He was a splendid skeleton. He didn't weigh anything scarcely and I said to myself — the people of Australia will flock to see this tremendous curiosity. It is a long voyage — as you know — from New York to Melbourne — and to my utter surprise the skeleton had no sooner got out to sea than he commenced eating in the most horrible manner. He had never been on the ocean before — and he said it agreed with him. 1 thought so ! 1 never saw a man eat so much in my life. Beef — mutton — pork he swallowed them all like a shark and between meals he was often dis- covered behind barrels eating hard-boiled eggs. The result was that when we reached Melbourne this infamous skeleton weighed 64 pounds more than I did ! I thought I was ruined but I wasn't. I took him on to California another very long sea voyage and when I got him to San Francisco I exhibited him as a Fat Man.* This story hasn't anything to do with my Entertainment, I know ^but one of the principal features of my Entertainment is that it contains so many things that don't have anything to do with it. My Orchestra is small ^but I am sure it is very good — so far as it goes. I give my pianist ten pounds a night — and his washing.t * "^« a fat man.*' — The reader need scarcely be informed that this narrative is about as real as " A. Ward's Snaiks," and about as much matter of fact as his journey through the States with a wax-work show. + " My pianist," dbc. — That a good pianist could be hired for a small sum in England was a matter of amusement to Artemus. More especially when he found a gentleman obliging enough to play anything he desired, Buch as break-downs and airs which had the most absurd relation to the scene they were used to illusti-ate. In the United States his pianist was desirous of playing music of a superior order, much against the consent of the lecturer. 362 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. I like Music. 1 can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am. The other night some silver-voiced young men came under my window, and sang — " Come where my love lies dreaming." ^I didn't go. I didn't think it would be cor- rect. I found music very soothing when I lay ill with fever in Utah and I was very ill 1 was fearfully wasted. My face was hewn down to nothing — and my nose was so sharp I didn't dare stick it into other people's business — for fear it would stay ther e — and I should never get it again. And on those dismal days a Mormon lady she was married — ^tho' not so much so as her husband — he had fifteen other wives she used to sing a ballad commencing " Sweet bird — do not fly away ! " and I told her I wouldn't. She played the accordion divinely — accordionly I praised her. I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teeth — not a tooth in his head y et that man could play on the bass drum better than any man I ever met. He kept a hotel. They have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember one where they gave me a bag of oats for a pillow 1 had night mares of course. In the morn- ing the landlord said — How do you feel — old boss — hav? , I told him I felt my oats. ARTEMUS WARD'S LFCTURE. 363 PERMIT * me now to quietly state tliat altho' I am here with my cap and bells, I am also here with some seri- ous descriptions of the Mormons — their manners — their cus- toms and while the pictures I shall present to your notice ;ire by no means works of art — they are painted from photo- graphs actually taken on the spot t and I am sure I need not inform any person present who was ever in the territory of Utah that they are as faithful as they could possibly be. % I went to Great Salt Lake City by way of California. § • " Permit me now.** — ^Though the serious part of the lecture was here entered upon, it was not delivered in a graver tone than that in which he had spoken the farcicalities of the prologue. Most of the prefatory mat- ter was given with an air of earnest thought ; the arms sometimes folded, and the chin resting on one hand. On the occasion of his first exhibiting the panorama at New York he used a fishing-rod to point out the picture with ; subsequently he availed himself of an old umbrella. In the Egyp- tian Hall he used his little riding-whip. t " Photographs." — They were photographed by Savage & Ottinger, ol Salt Lake City, the photographers to Brigham Young. * Curtain. — The picture was concealed from view during the first part of the lecture by a crimson curtain. This was drawn together or opened /nany times in the course of the lecture, and at odd points of the picture. I am not aware that Artemus himself could have explained why he caused the curtain to be drawn at one place and not at another. Probably he thought it to be one of his good jokes that it should shut in the picture jnst wheti there was no reason for its being used. § " By way of California.^' — That is, he went by steamer from New York to Aspinwall, thence across the Isthmus of Panama by railway, and then from Panama to California by another steamboat. A journey which then occupied about three weeks. 364 ARTEMVS WARD'S LECTURE. I went to California on the steamer Ariel, This is the steamer Arid, (Pointing to Panorama,) Oblige me by calmly gazing on the steamer Ariel a n d when you go to California be sure and go on some other steamer because the AHel isn't a very good one. When I reached the Ariel^at pier No. 4 — New York — I found the passengers in a state of great confusion about their things — which were being thrown around by the ship's porters in a manner at once damaging and idiotic. So great was the excitement — my fragile form was smashed this way — and jammed that way — till finally I was shoved into a stateroom which was occupied by two middle-aged females — who said, " Base man — leave us— Oli leave us ! " 1 left the m h —T left them! We reached Accapulco, on the coast of Mexico, in due time. Nothing of special interest occurred at Accapulco only some of the Mexican ladies are very beautiful. They all have brilliant black hair hair " black as starless night " i f I may quote from the Family Herald. It don't curl. A Mexican's lady's hair never curls it ia straight as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl under any circumstances. My hair won't curl under two shillings.* * '* Under two sJdlUngs." — Artemus always wore his hair straight until after his severe illness in Salt Lake City. So much of it dropped off during his recovery, that he became dissatisfied with the long meagre appearance his countenance presented when he surveyed it in the looking- glass. After his lecture at the Salt Lake City theatre, he did not lecture again \mtil we had crossed the Rocky Mountains and arrived at Denver City, the capital of Colorado. On the afternoon he was to lecture there. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE, 365 {Pointing to Panorama.) The gi'eat thoroughfare of the imperial city of the Pacific Coast. The Chinese form a large element in the population of San Francisco — and I went to the Chinese Theatre. A Chinese play often lasts two months. Commencing at the hero's birth, it is cheerfully conducted from week to week till he is either killed or married. The night I was there a Chinese comic vocalist sang a Chinese comic song. It took him six weeks to finish it — but^ as my time was limited, I went away at the expiration of 215 verses. There were 11,000 verses to this song — the chorus being " Tural lural dural, ri fol day " ^which was repeated twice at the end of each verse making — as you will at once see — the appalling number of 22,000 " tural lural dural, ri fol days " a nd the man still lives. {Pointing to Panorama.) Virginia City — in the bright new State of Nevada.* I met him coming out of an ironmonger's store with a small parcel in his hand. " I want you, old fellow," he said ; " I have been all round the city for them, and 1 've got them at last." " Got what ? " I asked, " A pair of curling-tongs. 1 am going to have my hair curled to lecture in to-night. I mean to cross the Plains in curls. Come home »vith me, and try to curl it for me. I don't want to go to any idiot of a barber, to be laughed at." I played the part of friseur. Subsequently he became his own " curlist," as he phrased it. From that day forth Artemus was a curlr haired man. * " Virginia City." — The view of Virginia City given in the panorama conveyed a very poor idea of the marvellous capital of the silver region of 366 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE, A wonderful little city — right in the heart of the famous Washoe silver regions the mines of which annually pro- Nevada, Artemus caused the curtain to close up between his view of San Francisco and that of Virginia City, as a simple means of conveying an idea of the distance travelled between. To arrive at the city of silver we had to travel from San Francisco to Sacramento by steamboat, thence from Sacramento to Folsom by railroad, then by coach to Placerville. At Placerville we commenced the ascent of the Sierra Nevada, gaining the summit of Johnson's Pass about four o'clock in the morning ; thence we descended ; skirted the shores of Lake Tahoe, and arrived at Carson City, where Artemus lectured. From Carson, the next trip was across an arid plain, to the great silver region. Empire City, the first place we struck, was composed of about fifty wooden houses and three or four quartz mills. Leaving it behind us, we pass through the Devil's Gate — a grand ravine, with precipitous mountains on each side ; then we came to Silver City, Gold Hill, and Virginia. The road was all up-hill. Virginia City itself is built on a ledge cut out of the side of Mount Davidson, which rises some 9000 feet above the sea level — the city being about half way up its side. To Artemus "Ward the wild character of the scenery, the strange mannei*8 of the red-ghirted citizens, and the odd developments of life met with in that uncouth mountain-town were all replete with interest. We staye there about a week. During the time of our stay he explored every part of the place, met many old friends from the Eastern States, and formed many new acquaintances, with some of whom acquaintance ripened into warm friendship. Among the latter was Mr Samuel L. Clemens, now well known as " Mark Twain." He was then sub-editing one of the three papers published daily in Virginia — The Temtorial Enterprise. Artemus detected in the writings of Mark Twain the indications of great humorous power, and etrongly advised the writer to seek a better field for his talents. Since then he has become a well-known New York lecturer and author. With Mark Twain, Artemus made a descent into the Gould and Curry Silver Mine at Virginia, the largest mine of the kind, I believe, in the world. The account of the descent formed a long and very amusing article in the next morning's Enterprise. To wander about the town and note its strange developments occupied Artemus incessantly. I was sitting writing letters at the hotel when he came in hurriedly, and requested me to go out with him. *' Come and see some joking much better than mine," said he. He led me to where one of Wells, Fargo, & Co.'s express waggons was being rapidly filled \vith silver bricks. Ingots of the precious metal, each almost as large as an ordinary brick, were being thrown fron one man to another to load the waggon, just as bricks or cheeses are trans- ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE, 367 iuce over twenty-five millions of solid silver. This silver is melted into solid bricks — of about the size of ordinary house- f erred from hand to hand by carters in England. ** Good old jokes those, Kingston. Good, solid * Babes in the "Wood, '" observed Artemus. Yet that evening he lectured in " Maguire's Opera House," Virginia City, to an audience composed chiefly of miners, and the receipts were not far short of eight hundred dollars. A droll building it was to be called an " Opera House," and to bear that designation in a place so outlandish. Perched up on the side of a mountain, from the windows of the dressing- rooms a view could be had of fifty miles of the American desert. It was an "Opera House ;" yet in the plain beneath it there were Indians who still led the life of savages, and carried dried human scalps attached ti) their girdles. It was an " Opera House ;" yet, for many hundred miles around it, Nature wore the roughest, sternest, and most barren of aspects — no tree, no grass, no shrub, but the colourless and dreary sage-brush. Every piece of timber, every brick, and every stone in that " Opera House" had been brought from California, over those snow-capped 5ierra«, which, but a few years before, had been regarded as beyond the last out- K>sts of civilisation. Every singer who had sung, and every actor who tad performed at that " Opera House," had been whirled down the sidea *f the Nevada mountains, clinging to the coach-top, and mentally vowing never again to trust the safety of his neck on any such professional excm-sion. The drama has been very plucky "out West." Thalia, Mel- pomene, and Euterpe become young ladies of great animal spirits and fearless daring when they feel the fresh breezes of the Pacific blowing in their faces. At Virginia City we purchased black felt shirts half an inch thick, and gray blankets of ample size to keep us warm for the journey we were about to undertake. We invested also in revolvers to defend our- gelves against the Indians ; a dozen cold roast fowls to eat on the way ; a demijohn of Bourbon whisky, and a bagful of unground coffee. This last was about as useful as any of our purchases. Thus provided, we started across the desert on our way to Reese River, and thence to Salt Lake City. . Our coach was a fearfully lumbering old vehicle of great strength, con- structed for jolting over rocky ledges, plunging into marshy swamps, and for rolling through miles of sand. The horses were small and wiry, accus- tomed to the country, and able to exist on anything which it is possible for a horse to eat. There were four of us in the coach. The " Pioneer Company's" man who drove us was full of whisky and good humour when he mounted the box ; and singing in chorus, " Jordan's a hard road to travel on," we bowled down the slope of Mount Davidson towards the deserts of Nevada, tn roUte for New Pass Station. 368 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. bricks — and carted off to San Francisco with mules. Thfl roads often swarm with these silver waggons. One hundred and seventy-five miles to the east of this place are the Reese River Silver Mines — which are supposed to be the richest in the world. (Pointing to Fanorama.) The great American Desert in winter- time the desert which is so frightfully gloomy always. No trees no houses no people — save the miserable beings who live in wretched huts and have charge of the horses and mules of the Overland Mail Company. This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil painting — d one in petroleum. It is by the Old Masters. It was the last thing they did before dying. They did this and then they expired. The most celebrated artists of London are so delighted with this picture that they come to the Hall every day to gaze at it. I wish you were nearer to it — so you could see it better. I wish I could take it to your residences and let you see it by daylight. Some of the greatest artists in London come here every morning before daylight with lanterns to look at. They say they never saw anything like it b e f O r e and they hope they never shall a^ain. When I first showed this picture in New York, the audience were so enthusiastic in their admiration of this picture that they called for the Artist and when he appeared they threw brickbats at him.* * ♦' Threw brickbats at him." — This portion of the panorama was very badly painted. When the idea of having a panorama was first enter- tained by Artemus, he wished to have one of great artistic merit. Find- ing considerable difficulty in procuring one, and also discovering that the expense of a real work of art would be beyond his means, he rcsolvad on ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE, 369 (Pointing to Panorama.) A bird's-eye-view of Great Salt Lake City the strange city in the Desert about which so much has been heard the city of the people who call themselves Saints.* I know there is much interest taken in these remarkable people — ladies and gentlemen and I have thought it bettei to make the purely descriptive part of my Entertainment entirely serious 1 will not — then — for the next ten minuteg — confine myself to my subject. having a very bad one, or one so bad in parts that its very badness would give him scope for jest. In the small towns of the Western States it passed very well for a first-class picture, but what it was really worth in an artistic point of view its owner was very well aware. * " Salt Lake CUyy — Our stay in the Mormon capital extended over six weeks. So cheerless was the place in midwinter, that we should not have stayed half that time had not Artemus "Ward succumbed to an attack of typhoid fever almost as soon as we arrived. The incessant travel by night and day, the depressing eflfect produced by intense cold, travelling through leagues of snow and fording haK-frozen rivers at midnight, the excitement of passing through Indian country, and some slight nervous apprehension of how he would be received among the Mormons, considering that he had ridiculed them in a paper published some time before, all conspired to produce the illness which resulted. Fever of the typhoid form is not un- common in Utah. Probably the rarefaction of the air en a plateau four thousand feet above the sea level has something to do with its frequency. Artemus's fears relative to the cordiality of his reception proved to be groundless, for during the period of his being ill he was carefully tended. Brigham Young commissioned Mr Stenhouse, postmaster to the city and Elder of the Mormon Church, to visit him frequently and supply him with whatever he required. One of the two wives of Mr Townsend, landlord of the Salt Lake House, the hotel where we stopped, was equally as kind. Whatever the feelings of the Mormons were towards poor Artemus, they at least treated him with sympathetic hospitality. Even Mr Porter Rock- well, who is known as one of the " Avenging Angels," or *' Danite Band," and who is reported to have made away with some seventeen or eighteen enemies of the " Saints," came and sat by the bedside of the sufferer, detailing to him some of the little " difficulties " he had experienced iu effectually silencing the unbelievers of times past. 2 A 370 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. Some seventeen years ago, a small band of Mormons— » headed by Brigham Young — commenced in the present thrifty metropolis of Utah. The population of the territory of Utah is over 100,000 — chiefly Mormons and they are increasing at the rate of from five to ten thousand annually. The con- verts to Mormonism now are almost exclusively confined to English and Germans. Wales and Cornwall have contri- buted largely to the population of Utah during the last few years. The population of Great Salt Lake City is 20,000. The streets are eight rods wide * — and are neither flagged nor paved. A stream of pure mountain spring water courses through each street — and is conducted into the gardens of the Mormons. The houses are mostly of adobe — or sun-dried brick — and present a neat and comfortable appearance. They are usually a story and a half high. Now and then you Bee a fine modern house in Salt Lake City but no house that is dirty, shabby, and dilapidated — because there are no absolutely poor people in Utah. Every Mormon has a nice garden and every Mormon has a tidy dooryard. Neat- ness is a great characteristic of the Mormons. The Mormons profess to believe that they are the chosen people, of God they call themselves Latter-day Saints and they call us people of the outer world Gentiles. They say that Mr Brigham Young is a prophet — the legitimate suc- cessor of Joseph Smith, who founded the Mormon religion. They also say they are authorised — by special revelation from Heaven — to marry as many wives as they can comfortably support. This wife system they call plurality the world calls it polygamy. That, at its best, it is an accursed thing — I need not, of course, inform you — '• but you will bear in mind that I am here as a rather cheerful reporter of what I saw in Utah— — and I fancy it isn't at all necessary for me to grorw * Equal to sixty-fo'or feet wide. ARTEMUS WARD*S LECTURE. 371 virtuously indignant over something we all know is hideously wrong. You will be surprised to hear — I was amazed to see — that among the Moimon women there are some few persons of education — of positive cultivation. As a class the Mormons are not an educated people but they are by no means the community of ignoramuses so many writers have told us they were. The valley in which they live is splendidly favoured. They raise immense crops. They have mills of all kinds. They have coal — tead — and silver mines. All they eat — all they drink — all they wear — they can produce themselves — and still have a great abundance to sell to the gold regions of Idaho on the one hand and the silver regions of Nevada on the other. The President of this remarkable community the head of the Mormon Church is Brigham Young. He is called President Young — and Brother Brigham. He is about fifty-four years old — although he doesn't look to be over forty-five. He has sandy hair and whiskers is of medium height and is a little inclined to corpulency. He was born in the State of Vermont. His power is more absolute than that of any living sovereign yet he uses it with such consummate discretion that his people are almost madly devoted to him — and that they would cheerfully die for him if they thought the sacrifice were demanded — I cannot doubt. He is a man of enormous wealth. One-tenth of everything sold in the territory of Utah goes to the Church and Mr Brigham Young is the Church. It is supposed that he specu- lates with these funds at all events, he is one of the wealthiest men now living worth several millions — with out doubt. He is a bold — bad man but that he is also a man of extraordinary administrative ability no one can doubC who has watched his astounding career for the past ten years. It is only fair for me to add that he treated me with marked kindness during my sojourn in Utah. 372 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE, (Fointing to Panorama.) The West Side of Main Street — Salt Lake City — including a view of the Salt Lake Hotel. It is a temperance hotel.* I prefer temperance hotels — alt ho' they sell worse liquor than any other kind of hotels. But the Salt Lake Hotel sells none nor is there a bar in all Salt Lake City but I found when I was thirsty — and I gene- rally am — that I could get some very good brandy of one of the Elders — on the sly — and I never on any account allow my business to interfere with my drinking. (Pointing to Panorama.) There is the Overland Mail Coach. t That is, the den on wheels in which we have been crammed for the past ten days — * " Temperance hotel. " — At the date of our visit, there was only one place in Salt Lake City where strong drink was allowed to be sold. Brig- ham Young himself owned the property, and vended the liquor by whole- sale, not permitting any of it to be drunk on the premises. It was a coarse, inferior kind of whisky, known in Salt Lake as " Valley Tau." Throughout the city there was no drinking-bar nor billiard-room, so far as I am aware. But a drink on the sly could always be had at one of the hard-goods stores, in the back oflBce behind the pile of metal saucepans ; or at one of the dry-goods stores, in the little parlour in the rear of the bales of calico. At the present time I believe that there are two or three open bars in Salt Lake, Brigham Young having recognised the right of the "Saints" to" liquor up" occasionally. But whatever other failings they may have, intemperance cannot be laid to their charge. Among the Mor- mons there are no paupers, no gamblers, and no drunkards. f " Overland mail coach." — From Virginia City to Salt Lake we travelled in the coaches of the " Pioneer Stage Company." In leaving Salt Lake for Denver we changed to those of the " Overland Stage Company," of which the renowned Ben Holliday is proprietor, a gentleman whose name on the PLiins is better known than that of any other man in America. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 373 and ten nights. Those of you who have been in Newgate* — — and stayed there any length of time as visitor s can realise how I felt. The American Overland Mail Route commences at Sacra- mento — California and ends at Atchison — Kansas. The distance is two thousand two hundred miles but you go part of the way by rail. The Pacific Railway t is now com- • " Bttn in A'ezf^rafe."— The manner in -which Artemus uttered this joke was peculiarly characteristic of his style of lecturing. The commencement of the sentence was spoken as if unpremeditated ; then, when he had got as far as the word " Newgate," he paused, as if wishing to call back that which he had said. The applause was unfailingly uproarious. Travelling through the States, he used to say, ** Those of you who have been in the Penitentiary." On the morning after his lecture at Pittsburg, in Penn- sylvania, he was waited on by a tall, gaunt, dark-haired man, of sour aspect and sombre demeanour, who carried in his hand a hickory walking-cane, which he grasped very menacingly, as addressing Artemus he said, " I guess you are the gentleman who lect'red last night ? " Mr Ward replied in the afl&rmative. " Then I 've got to have satisfaction from you. I took my wife and her sister to hear you lecter, and you insulted them." "Excuse me," said Artemus. "I went home immediately the lecture wab over, and had no conversation with any lady in the hall that evening." The visitor grew more angry. " Hold thar, Mr Lect'rer. You told my wife and her sister that they'd been in the Penitentiary. I must have satis- faction for the insult, and I 'm come to get it." Artemus was hesitating how to reply, when the hotel clerk suddenly appeared upon the scene, saying, " I 've a good memory for voices. You are Mr Josiah Mertin, I believe ?" " I am," was the reply. " And I am the late clerk of the Girard House, Philadelphia. There 's a little board-bill of yours owing there for ninety-two dollars and a half. You skedaddled without paying. Will you oblige me by waiting till I send for an officer ? " I believe that Mr Josiah Mertin did not even wait for " satisfaction." t ^^ The Pacific Railway." — The journey was made in the winter of 1863-4. By the time these notes appear in print the Pacific Railway will 374 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE, pleted from Sacramento — California — to Fulsom — California which only leaves two thousand two hundred and eleven miles to go by coach. This breaks the monotony it came very near breaking my back. (Pointing to Panorama.) The Mormon Theatre. This edifice is the exclusive pro- perty of Brigham Young. It will comfortably hold three thousand persons — and I beg you will believe me when I in- form you that its interior is quite as brilliant as that of any theatre in London.* The actors are all Mormon amateurs, who charge nothing for their services. be almost complete from the banks of the Missouri to those of the Sacra- mento, and travellers will soon be able to make the transit of over three thousand miles from New York City to the capital of California, without leaving the railway car, except to cross a ferry, or to change from one station to another. * "Brilliant as that of any theatre in London." — Herein Artemua slightly exaggerated. The colouring of the theatre was white and gold, but it was inefiELciently lighted with oil lamps. When Brigham Young himself showed us round the theatre, he pointed out, as an instance of his own ingenuity, that the central chandelier was formed out of the wheel of one of his old coaches. The house is now, I believe, lighted with gas. Alto- gether it is a very wondrous edifice, considering where it is built ard who were the builders. At the time of its erection there was no other theatre on the northern part of the American plateau, no building for a similar purpose anywhere for five hundred miles, north, east, south, or west. Many a theatre in the provincial towns of England is not half so substan- tially built, nor one-tithe part so well appointed. The dressing rooms, wardrobe, tailors* workshop, carpenters' shop, paint room, and library, leave scarcely anything to be desired in their completeness. Brigham Young's Bon-in-law, Mr Hiram Clawson, the manager, and Mr John Cane, the stage manager, if they came to London, might render good service at one or two of our metropolitan playhouse*. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 375 You must know that very little money is taken at the doors of this theatre. The Mormons mostly pay in grain — and all sorts of articles. The night I gave my little lecture there— among my receipts were corn — flour — pork — cheese — chickens o n foot and in the shell. One family went in on a live pig and a man attempted to pass a " yaller dog" at the Box Office — but my agent repulsed him. One ofi'ered me a doll for admission another infants* clothing. 1 refused to take that. As a general rule I do refuse. In the middle of the parquet — in a rocking-chair — with his hat on — sits Brigham Young. When the play drags — he either goes out or falls into a tranquil sleep. A portion of the dress circle is set apart for the wives of Brigham Young. From ten to twenty of them are usually present. His children fill the entire gallery — and more too. (Pointing to Panorama.) The East Side of Main Street — Salt Lake City— with a view of the Council Building. The Legislature of Utah meets there. It is like all legislative bodies. They meet this winter to repeal the laws which they met and made last winter and they will meet next winter to repeal the laws which they met and made this winter. I dislike to speak about i t ^but it was in Utah that I made the great speech of my life. I wish you could have heard it. I have a fine education. You may have noticed it. I speak six different languages London — Chatham — and Dover Margate — Brighton— and Hastings. My parents sold a cow — and sent me to college when I was quite young. During the vacation I used to teach a sdiool of 376 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. whales— and there 's where I learned to spout. 1 don't ex- pect applause for a little thing like that. I wish you could have heard that speech — however. If Cicero — he 's dead now ^he has gone from us but if Old Ciss* could have heard that effort it would have given him the rinderpest. I '11 tell you how it was. There are stationed in Utah two regi- ments of U. S. troops the 21st from California — and the 37th from Nevada. The 20-onesters asked me to present a stand of colours to the 37-sters and I did it in a speech so abounding in eloquence of a bold and brilliant character and also some sweet talk real pretty shopkeeping talk that I worked the enthusiasm of those Boldiers up to such a pitc h that they came very near shooting me on the spot.f (Pointing to Panorama.) Brigham Young's Harem. These are the houses of * " Old Ciss. " — Here again no description can adequately inform the reader of the drollery which characterised the lecturer. His reference to Cicero was made in the most lugubrious manner, as if he really deplored his death and valued him as a schoolfellow loved and lost. f " United States troops.'^ — Our stay in Utah was rendered especially pleasant by the attentions of the regiment of California Cavalry, then sta- tioned at Fort Douglas in the "Wahsatch Mountains, three miles beyond and overlooking the city. General Edward O'Connor, the United States Military Governor of Utah, was especially attentive to the wants of poor Artemus during his severe illness ; and had it not been for the kind atten- tions of Dr Williams, the surgeon to the regiment, I doubt if the invalid would have recovered. General O'Connor had then been two years stationed in Utah, but during the whole of that time had refused to have any personal communication with Brigham Young. The Mormon pro- phet would sit in his private box, and the United States general occupy a seat in the dress-circle of the theatre. They would look at each other frequently through their opera-glasses, but that constituted their whole iutimacy. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 377 Brigham Young. The first on the right is the Lion House — 80 called because a crouching stone lion adorns the central front window. The adjoining small building is Brigham Young's office — and where he receives his visitors. The large house in the centre of the picture — which displays a huge bee-hive — is called the Bee House the bee-hive is supposed to be symbolical of the industry of the Mormons. Mrs Brigham Young the first — now quite an old lady — lives here with her children. None of the other wives of the prophet live here. In the rear are the school-houses where Brigham Young's children are educated. Brigham Young has two hundred wives. Just think of that! Oblige me by thinking of that. That is — he has eighty actual wives, and he is spiritually married to one hundred and twenty more. These spiritual marriages as the Mormons call them are contracted with aged widows — who think it a great honour to be sealed the Mormons call it being sealed to the Prophet. So we may say he has two hundred wives. He loves not w i s e 1 y — b ut two hundred well. He is dread- fully married. He's the most married man I ever saw in my life. I saw his mother-in-law while I was there. I can't ex- actly tell you how many there is of he r — but it's a good deal. It strikes me that one mother-in-law is about enough to have in a family unless you're very fond of excitement. A few days before my arrival in Utah — Brigham was mar- y ried again — to a young and really pretty girl * but he '^ says he shall stop now. He told me confidentially that he shouldn't get married any more. He says that all he wants now is to live in peace for the remainder of his days — and have his dying pillow soothed by the loving hands of his * "ul rtaXly pretty girl." — The daughter of the architect of his new theatre. 378 AktEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. family. Well— that 's all right that 's all right — I suppoas b ut if all his family soothe his dying pillow — he'll have to go out-doors to die. By the way — Shakespeare endorses polygamy. He speaks of the Merry Wives of Windsor. How many wives did Mr Windsor have % But we will let this pass. Some of these Mormons have terrific families. I lectured one night by invitation in the Mormon village of Provost but during the day I rashly gave a leading Mormon an order admitting himself and family. 1 1 was before I knew that he was much married and they filled the room to overflowing. It was a great suc- c e s s ^b ut I didn't get any money. (Pointing to Panorama). Heber C. Kimball's Harem. Mr 0. Kimball is the first vice-president of the Mormon Church — and would — conse- quently — succeed to the full presidency on Brigham Young's death. Brother Kimball is a gay and festive cuss of some seventy summers or some 'ers there about. He has one thousand head of cattle and a hundred head of wives.* He says they are awful eaters. Mr Kimball had a son a lovely young man who was married to ten interesting wives. But one day while he was absent from home 1 hese ten wives went out walking with a handsome young man * *' A hundred head of wives." — It is an authenticated fact that, in an address to his congregation in the Tabernacle, Heber C. Kimball once alluded to his wives by the endearing epithet of " my heifers ; " and on another occasion politely spoke of them as "his cows." The phraseology may possibly be a slight indication of the refinement of manners prevalent in Salt Lake Ci*ir. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE, 379 — which so enraged Mr Kimball's son — which made Mr Kimball's son so jealous — that he shot himself with a horse pistuel. The doctor who attended him a very scientific man informed me that the bullet entered the inner parallelogram of his diaphragmatic thorax, superinducing membranous hemorrhage in the outer cuticle of his basiliconthamaturgist. It killed him. I should have thought it would. {Sojt music) * I hope this sad end will be a warning to all young wives who go out walking with handsome young men. Mr Kim- ball's son is now no more. He sleeps beneath the cypress-^the myrtle — and the willow. This music is a dirge by the eminent pianist for Mr Kimball's son. He died by request. I regret to say that efi'orts were made to make a Mormon of me while I was in Utah. It was leap-year when I was there — and seventeen young widows the wives of a deceased Mormon offered mo their hearts and hands. I called on them one day — and taking their soft white hands in mine w hich made eighteen hands altogethe r 1 found them in tears. And I said — " Why is this thus % What is the reason of til is thusness ? " They hove a sigh seventeen sighs of different iize They said — " Oh — soon thou wilt be gonested away ! " I told them that when I got ready to leave a place I wentested. * " Soft music.'* — Here Artemus Ward's pianist (following instructions) sometimes played the " Dead March from Saul." At other times, the Welsh air of " Poor Mary Anne, " or anything else replete with sadneai which might chan^^ to strike his fancy. The effect was IrresiBtibly oomio. 38o ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. They said—" Doth not like us % " I said— "I doth 1 doth!" I also said — " I hope your intentions are honourable — as I am a lone child my parents being far— far away." They then said — " Wilt not marry us 1 " I said — " Oh — no it cannot was." Again they asked me to marry them — and again I declined. When they cried — " Oh — cruel man ! This is too much oh ! too much ! " I told them that it was on account of the mucliness that I declined.* (Pointing to Panorama.) This is the Mormon Temple. It is built of adobe — and will hold five thousand persons quite comfortably. A full brass and string band often assists the choir of this church and the choir — I may add — is a remarkably good one. Brigham Young seldom preaches now. The younger elders unless on some special occasions conduct the services. I only heard Mr Young once. He is not an educated man but speaks with considerable force and clearness. The day I was there there was nothing coarse in his remarks. {Pointing to Panorama.) The foundations of the Temple. These are the foundations of the magnificent Temple the * " Tliat I declined. " — I remember one evening-party in Salt Lake City to which Artemus Ward and myself went. There were thirty-nine ladies and only seven gentlemen. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE, 381 Mormons are building. It is to be built of hewn stone — and will cover several acres of ground. They say it shall eclipse in splendour all other temples in the world. They also say it shall be paved with solid gold.* It is perhaps worthy of remark that the architect of this contemplated gorgeous affair repudiated Mormonism — and is now living in London. (Fointing to Patiorama.) The Temple as it is to be. This pretty little picture is from the architect's design and cannot therefore — I suppose — be called a fancy sis etch, t Should the Mormons continue unmolested — I think they will complete this rather remarkable edifice. " Solid gold" — " Where will the gold be obtained from ? " is a question which the visitor might reasonably be expected to ask. Unquestionably the mountains of Utah contain the precious metal, though it has not been the policy of Brigham Young and the chiefs of the Mormon Church to disclose their knowledge of the localities in which it is to be found. There is a current report in Salt Lake City that nuggets of gold have been picked up within a radius of a few score of miles from the site of the new temple. But the Mormons, instructed by their Church, profess ignorance on the subject. The discovery of large gold mines, and per- mission to work them, would attract to the valley of Salt Lake a class of visitors not wished for by Brigham Young and his disciples. Next to the construction of the Pacific Railway, nothing would be more conducive to the downfall of Mormonism than Utah becoming known as an extensive gold-field. + " ^ fancy sketch^ — Artemus had the windows of the temple in his panorama cut out and filled in with transparent coloured paper, so that, when lighted from behind, it had the effect of one of the little plaster churches, with a piece of lighted candle inside, wliich the Italian image- boys display at times for sale in the streets. Notliing in the course of the evening pleased Artemus more than to notice the satisfaction with which this meretricious piece of absurdity was received by the audience. 382 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE, Great Salt Lake. The great salt dead sea of the deserfc. {Pointing to Panorama.) I know of no greater curiosity than this inland sea of thick brine. It is eighty miles wide — and one hundred and thirty miles long. SoHd masses of salt are daily washed ashore in immense heaps — and the Mormon in want of salt has only to go to the shore of this lake and fill his cart. Only — the salt for table use has to be subjected to a boiling process.* These are facts — susceptible of the clearest possible proof They tell one story about this lake — however — that I have m;^ doubts about. They say a Mormon farmer drove forty head of cattle in there once — a nd they came out first- rate pickled beef. I sincerely hope you will excuse my absence 1 am a man short — and have to work the moon myself. t * "The Great Salt Lake." — A very general mistake prevails among those not better informed, that the Mormon capital is built upon the borders of the Salt Lake. There are eighteen miles of distance between them. Not from any part of the city proper can a view of the lake be obtained. To get a glimpse of it without journeying towards it, the traveller must ascend to one of the rocky ledges in the range of mountains which back the city. So saHne is the water of the lake, that three pailsful of it are said to yield on evaporation one pailful of salt. I never saw the experiment tried. f *^Themoo7i myself." — Here Artemus would leave the rostrum for a few moments, and pretend to be engaged behind. The picture was painted for a night scene, and the effect intended to be produced waa that of the ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE, 383 I shall be most happy to pay a good salary to any respectable boy of good parentage and education who is a good in n i s t. (Pointing to Panorama.) The Endowment House. * In this building the Mormon is initiated into the mysteries of the faith. Strange stories are told of the proceedings which are held in this building but I have no possible means of knowing how true they may be. (Pointing to Panorama.) Echo Canyon. Salt Lake City is fifty-five miles behind us — and this is Echo Canyon — in reaching which we are supposed to have crossed the summit of the Wahsatch Mountains. These ochre- coloured bluffs formed of conglomerate sandstone — and moon rising over the lake, and rippling on the waters. It was produced in the usual dioramic way, by making the track of the moon transparent, and throwing the moon on from the bull's eye of a lantern. When Arte- mus went behind, the moon would become nervous and flickering, dancing up and down in the most inartistic and undecided manner. The result was that, coupled with the lecturer's oddly-expressed apology, the " moon" became one of the best laughed-at parts of the entertainment. * "TAe Endowment House." — To the young ladies of Utah this edifice possesses extreme interest. The Mormon ceremony of marriage is said to be of the most extraordinary character ; various symbolical scenes being enacted, and the bride and bridegroom invested with sacred garments which they are never to part with. In all Salt I^ake I could not find a person who would describe to me the ceremonies of the Endowment House, noi eould Artemus or myself obtain admission within its mystic wall?. 384 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. full of fossils signal the entrance to the Canyon. At its base lies Weber Station. Echo Canyon is about twenty-five miles long. It is really the sublimest thing between the Missouri and the Sierra Ne- vada. The red wall to the left develops further up the Canyon into pyramids — buttresses — and castles honeycombed and fretted in nature's own massive magnificence of architecture. In 1856 — Echo Canyon was the place selected by Brigham Young for the Mormon General Wells to fortify and make im- pregnable against the advance of the American army — led by General Albert Sidney Johnson. It was to have been the Thermopylae of Mormondom but it wasn 't. General Wells was to have done Leonidas but he didn't. (Pointing to Panorama.) A more cheerful vieT»- of the Desert. The wild snowstorms have left us — and we have thrown our wolf-skin overcoats aside. Certain tribes of far-western Indians bury their distinguished dead by placing them high in air and covering them with valuable furs that is a very fair representation of these mid-air tombs. Those animals are horses 1 know they are — because my artist says so. I had the picture two years before I discovered the fact. The artist came to me about six months ago — and said " It is useless to disguise it from you any longer they are horses."* It was while crossing this desert that I was surrounded by a band of Ute Indians. They were splendidly mounted they were dressed in beaver-skins and they were armed with rifles — knives — and pistols. What could I do 1 What could a poor old orphan do ' * " They are horses." — Here again Artemus called in the aid of pleasant banter as the most fitting apology for the atrocious badness of the painting. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 385 I 'ra a brave man. The day before the Battle of Bull's Run I stood in the highway while the bullets those dreadful messengers of death w ere passing all around me thickl y 1 N WAGGON S on their way to the battlefield.* But there were too many of these Injuns there were forty of them — and only one of me and so I said — " Great Chief — I surrender." His name was Wocky-bocky. He dismounted — and approached me. I saw his tomahawk glisten in the morning sunlight. Fire was in hia eye. Wocky- (Pointing to Panorama.) bocky came very close to me and seized me by the hair of my head. He mingled his swarthy fingers with my golden tresses ^and he rubbed his dreadful Thomashawk across my lily- white face. He said — " Torsha arrah darrah mishky bookshean ! " I told him he was right. Wocky-bocky again rubbed his tomahawk across my face, and said — " Wink-ho — loo-boo ! " Says I — "Mr Wocky-bocky " — says I " Wocky — I have thought so for years — and so's all our family." He told me I must go to the tent of the Strong-Heart — and eat raw dog.t It don't agree with me. I prefer simple food. * "Their way to the battlefield.'^ — This was the great joke of Artemus Ward's first lecture, ** The Babes in the Wood." He never omitted it in any of his lectures, nor did it lose its power to create laughter by re- petition. The audiences at the Egyptian Hall, London, laughed as im- moderately at it as did those of Irving Hall, New York, or of the Tremont Temple in Boston. + " Haw dog." — While sojourning for a day in a camp of Sioux Indians, we were informed that the warriors of the tribe were accustomed to eat raw dog to give them courage previous to j^oing to batt]'^ Artemus was 2b 386 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. I prefer pork-pie — because then I know what I'm eating. But as raw dog was all they proposed to give to me — I had to eat it or starve. So at the expiration of two days I seized a tin plate and went to the chiefs daughter — and I said to her in a silvery voice in a kind of G e r m a n-s ilvery voic e 1 said — *' Sweet child of the forest, the pale-face wants his dog." There was nothing but his paws ! Ihad paused too long! Which reminds me that time passes. A way which time has. I was told in my youth to seize opportunity. I once tried to seize one. He was rich. He had diamonds on. As I seized him — he knocked me down. Since then I have learned that he who seizes opportunity sees the penitentiary. {Pointing to Panorama.) The Eocky Mountains. I take it for granted you have heard of these popular moun- tains. In America they are regarded as a great success, and we all love dearly to talk about them. It is a kind of weakness with us. I never knew but one American who hadn't something — sometime — to say about the Rocky Mountains and he was a deaf and dumb man, who couldn't say anything about nothing. But these mountains — whose summits are snow-covered and icy all the year round — are too grand to make fun of. J crossed them in the winter of '64 — in a rough sleigh drawn by four mules. This sparkling waterfall is the Laughing- Water alluded to greatly amused with the information. When, in after years, he became weak and languid, and was called upon to go to lecture, it was a favourite ^e with him to inquire, " Kingston, have you got any raw dog 1 " ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 387 by Mr Longfellow in his Indian poem — " Higher- Water." The water is higher up there^ (Pointing to Panorama.) The plains of Colorado. These are the dreary plains over which we rode for so many weary days. An affecting incident occurred on these plains some time since, which I am sure you will pardon me for introducing here. On a beautiful June morning — some sixteen years ago {Music f very loud till the scene is off.) ! « * * • • • • * * • • * « « • 1 and she fainted on Eeginald's breast !* The Prairie on Fire. (Pointing to Panorama.) A prairie on fire is one of the wildest and grandest sights that can possibly be imagined. * " On Reginald's breast." — At thiB part of the lecture Artemus pre- tended to tell a Btory — the piano playing loudly all the time. He con- tinued his narration in excited dumb-show — his lips moving as though he were speaking. For some minutes the audience indulged in unrestrained laughter. 388 ARTEMUS WARD 'S LECTURE, These fires occur — of course — in the summer — when the grass is dry as tinder and the flames rush and roar over the prairie in a manner frightful to behold. They usually burn better than mine is burning to-night. I try to make my prairie burn regularl y — a nd not dis- appoint the public ^but it is not as high-principled as I am.* (Pointing to Panorama.) Brigham Young at home. The last picture I have to show you represents Mr Brigham Young in the bosom of his family. His family is large — and the olive branches around his table are in a very tangled condition. He is more a father than any man I know. When at home as you here see him h e ought to be very happy with sixty wives to minister to his comforts — and twice sixty children to soothe his distracted mind. Ah! my friends ^what is home without a family? What will become of Mormonism? We all know and admit it to be a hideous wrong a great immoral stain upon the 'scutcheon of the United States. My belief is that its existence is dependent upon the life of Brigham Young. His administrative ability holds the system together his power of will maintain it as the faith of a community. When he dies — Mormonism will die too. The men who are around him have neither his talent nor his energy. By means of his strength it is held together. When he falls — Mormonism will also fall to pieces. * " As high-principled as lam." — The scene was a transparent one — the light from behind so managed as to give the effect of the prairie on fire. Artemus enjoyed the joke of letting the fire go out occasionally, and theq allowing it to relight itself. THE TIMES'' NOTICE. 389 That lion — you perceive — has a tail* It is a long one already. Like mine — it is to be continued in our next.t * " That lion has a tail." — The lion on a pedestal, as painted in the panorama — its tail outstretched like that of the leonine adornment to Northumberland House, was a pure piece of frolic on the part of the entertainer. Brigham Young certainly adopts the lion as a Mormon emblem. A beehive and a lion, suggestive of industry and strength, are the symbols of the Mormons in Salt Lake City, t " Tobe continued in our next." — To revisit Utah, and to do another and a better lecture about it, was a favourite idea of Artemus Ward. Another fancy that he had was to visit the stranger countries of the Eastern world and find in some of them mattei for a humorous lecture. While ill in Utah, he read Mr Layard's book on Nineveh, left behind at the hotel by a traveller passing through Salt Lake. Mr Layard's reference to the Yezedi, or " Devil-worshippers," took powerful hold on the imagina- tion of the reader. During our trip home across the plains he would often, sometimes in jest and sometimes in earnest, chat about a trip to Asia to see the " Devil -worshippers." Naturally his inclinations were nomadic, and had a longer life been granted to him I believe that he would have seen more of the surface of this globe than even the generality of his countrymen see, much as they are accustomed to travel. Within about the same distance from Portland in England that his own birth- place is from Portland in Maine, his travels came to an end. He died at Southampton. His great wish was for strength to return to his home, that he might die with the face of his own mother bending over him, and In the cottage where he was bom. "C(ELUMQUB ADSflClT £X MOBIENS DULCES BEMINISCirUB AbGOS.'* E. P. H. APPENDIX. «*THE times" notice. "Egyptian Hall. — Before a large audience, comprising an extraordinary number of literary celebrities, Mr Artemus 390 " THE TIMES'" NOTICE. Ward, the noted American humorist, made his first appear- ance as a public lecturer on Tuesday evening, the place se- lected for the display of his quaint oratory being the room long tenanted by Mr Arthur Sketchley. His first entrance on the platform was the signal for loud and continuous laughter and applause, denoting a degree of expectation which a nervous man might have feared to encounter. However, his first sen- tences, and the way in which they were received, amply sufiiced to prove that his success was certain. The dialect of Artemus bears a less evident mark of the Western World than that of many American actors, who would fain merge their own pecu- liarities in the delineation of English character ; but his jokes are of that true Transatlantic type, to which no nation beyond the limits of the States can ofier any parallel. These jokes he lets fall with an air of profound unconsciousness — we may almost say melancholy — which is irresistibly droll, aided as it is by the eff'ect of a figure singularly gaunt and lean and a face to match. And he has found an audience by whom his caustic humour is thoroughly appreciated. Not one of the odd plea- santries slipped out with such imperturbable gravity misses its mark, and scarcely a minute elapses at the end of which the sedate Artemus is not forced to pause till the roar of mirth has subsided. There is certainly this foundation for an entente cordiale between the two countries calling themselves Anglo- Saxon, that the Englishman, puzzled by Yankee politics, thoroughly relishes Yankee jokes, though they are not in the least like his own. When two persons laugh together, they cannot hate each other much so long as the laugh continues. " The subject of Artemus Ward's lecture is a visit to the Mor- mons, copiously illustrated by a series of moving pictures, not much to be commended as works of art, but for the most part well enough executed to give (fidelity granted) a notion of life as it is among the remarkable inhabitants of Utah. Nor let the connoisseur, who detects the shortcomings of some of these pictures, fancy that he has discovered a flaw in the armour of « THE TIMES'* NOTICE. 391 the doughty Aitemus. That astute gentleman knovv^s their worth as well as anybody else, and while he ostensibly extols them, as a showman is bound to do, he every now and then holds them up to ridicule in a vein of the deepest irony. In one case a palpable error of perspective, by which a man is made equal in size to a mountain, has been purposely com- mitted, and the shouts oi laughter that arise as soon as the ridiculous picture appears is tremendous. But there is no mirth in the face of Artemus ; he seems even deaf to the roar ; and when he proceeds to the explanation of the landscape, he touches on the ridiculous point in a slurring way that provokes a new explosion. *' The particulars of the lecture we need not describe. Many accounts of the Mormons, more or less credible, and all au- thenticated, have been given by serious historians, and Mr W. H. Dixon, who has just returned from Utah to London, is said to have brought with him new stores of solid information. But to most of us Mormonism is still a mystery, and under those circumstances a lecturer who has professedly visited a country for the sake more of picking up fun than of sifting facts, and whose chief object it must be to make his narrative amusing, can scarcely be accepted as an authority. We will, therefore, content ourselves with stating that the lecture is entertaining to such a degree that to those who seek amuse- ment its brevity is its only fault ; that it is utterly free from offence, though the opportunities for offence given by the subject of Mormonism are obviously numerous ; and that it is interspersed, not only with irresistible jokes, but with shrewd remarks, proving that Artemus Ward is a man of reflection, as w<;U as a consummate humorist." 393 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME, PICCADILLY. Every Night {except Saturday) at 8, SATURDAY MORNINGS AT 3. AMONG THE MORMONS. Dnriug the Vacation the Hall has been carefully Swept out, and a new Door-Enob has been added to the Door. Mb Aetemus Waed vAll call on the Citizens of London, at their residenceSf and explain any jokes in his narrative which they may not understand. k person of long-established integrity will take excellent care of Bonnets, Cloaks, &c., during the Entertainment ; the Audience better leave their money, however, with Mr Ward ; he will return it to them in a day on two, or invest it for them in America, as they may think bes^ ORIGINAL PROGRAMME, 393 y Nobody must say that he likes the Lecture unless he wishes to bo thought eccentric ; and nobody must say that he doesn't like it unless he really is eccentric. (This requires thinking over, but it will amply repay perusal) The Panorama used to Illustrate Mr WARD'S Narrative is rather worse than Panoramas usually are. Mr Ward will not be responsible for any debts of his own contracting. 2>m<0) ventures of Artemus Ward. By Edward P. Hingston. With a Frontispiece. Crown Svo, cloth Mtra, ts. 6d. 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