Sent Free of Postage on Receipt of Price. What. Rhqll We Do To-Night? or, Social Evening" Parties. This elegant book af- inexhaustible fund of amusement for Evening u NBffii$fekTB8ial gatherings and all Festive Occasions, ingeniously iffiltf together so as to furnish complete and ever-varying i ^enrertamniBnt Jf>i Twenty-six evenings. Its repertoire embraces ^ aft" tuff text for performing Charade*, Tab- leaux, Parlor Pantomimes, the world-renowned Punch and Judy, Gallanty Shmvs and original Shadmo-pantomimes; also, full in- formation for the succe sful per- formance of Ih-amatic Dialogues and Parlor Theatricals, with a selection of Original Plays, etc., gtt'tlio"" Best Round and Forfeit Games, clearly described and rendered perfectly plain by original and amusing ex- amples, interspersed with a great variety of Ingenious Puzzles, Enter- taining Tricks and Innocent Sells; new and original Musical and Poet- ical pastimes, Startling Illusions and Mirth-provoking Exhibitions; including complete directions and written expressly for this work. It is embellished with over ONE HUNDRED DESCRIPTIVE AND EXPLANATORY ENGRAVINGS, and contains 366 pages, printed on fine toned paper. 12mo, bound ia extra cloth, beveled $2.00 Sent Free of Postage on Receipt of Price. The Art and Etiquette of Making Love. Manual of Love, Courtship arid Matrimony. It tells How to Cure How to Commence a Courtship; How to Please a Sweetheart or Lover,- Mow to Write a Love-Letter,- How to " Pop the Question"; How to Act Before and After a Pro- posal; How to Acceptor Reject a Proposal;. How to Break off an Engagement; How to Act After an Engagement; How to Act as Bridesmaid or Grooms- man; How the Etiquette ofaWedding and the After-Reception Should be Observed; And, in fact, how to fulfill every duty and meet every contin- gency connected with courtship and matrimony. It includes also a choice collection of sensible Letters suitable for all the contingencies of Love and Courtship. 176 pagos, paper covers .............................. 30 cts. Bound iu boards, cloth back ......................... 50 cts. Dick's Quadrille Call-Book and Ball-Room Prompter. Containing clear directions how to call out the figures of every dance, with the quantity of music necessary for each figure, and simple explanations of all the figures and steps which occur in Plain and Fancy Quadrilles. Also, a plain analy- sis and description of all the steps employed in the favorite round dances, fully describing : The Opening March or Polonaise, Various Plain and Fane;/ Quadrilles, Waltz and Glide Quadrilles, Plain Lancers and Caledonians, Glide Lancers and Caledonians, Saratoga Lancers. The Parisian Varieties, T/if J'rinrr Imperial Set. Snrinl find linxki't Quadrilles, tfine-Pin and Star Quadrille*, Gavotte and Minuet Quadrilles, March and Cheat Quadrittes, Favorite Jiijx >md <'<>iitra-Dancct, 1'olka and Polka liedowa, Redowa and liedowa Waltz, /V/.-u M,iz,,ui-l-,i ,111,1 01,1 Shiln Waltz, Modern Plain Waltz and Glide, I!.,. -,1,1,1 !>;/, and flap Waltz, Fine-Step Waltz and Schottim-hr, \',irsiu-i<-niu'. ami '/.iilma, L 1 Orientals, Galop and Deux Tfinpx, Esmeralda, SicUienne, Danish Dance, AND OVER ONE HUNDEED FIGURES FOE THE "GERMAN ;" To which is added a Sensible Guide to Etiquette and Proper De- portment in the Ball and Assembly Kooin, besides seventy pages of dance music for the piano. Paper covers 50 Cts. Bound in boards 75 cts. Sent Free of Postage on Receipt of JPriee. The Magician's Own Book. One of the most ex- traordinary and interesting volumes ever printed containing the "Whole Art, of Conjuring, and all the Discoveries hi Magic ever made, either by ancient or modern philosophers. IT EXPLAINS All Sleight of Hand Tricks,- Tricks and Deceptions with Cards; The Magic of Chemistry; Mysterious Experiments in Electricity and Galvanism; The Magic of Pneumatics, Aerostatics^ Optics, etc.; The Magic of Numbers; Curious Tricks in Geometry; Mysterious and Amusinrj Puzzles, and answers thereto; The Magic of Art; Miseellaneoits Tricks and Experi- ments; Curioua Fancies, etc., etc. The tricfcs are all illustrated by Engravings and Tables, so as to make them easily understood and practiced. As a volume for the amusement of an evening party, this book cannot be sur- passed. Gilt binding, 362 pages $1.50 East Lynne ; or, The Earl's Daughter. Li- brary edition, complete and unabridged. This novel is Mrs. Henry "Wood's masterpiece, and stands in the very front auk of all the works, of fiction ever written ; it has scarcely a riv T as a brilliant creation of literary genius, and is prominent among the very few works of its class that have stood the test of time, and achieved a lasting reputation. In originality of design, and masterly and dramatic development of the subject, East Lynne stands unrivaled ; it will be read and re-read long after the ma- jority of the ephemeral romances of to-day have passed out of existence and been forgotten. A handsome 12mo volume of 598 pages, from now electrotype plates, printed on fine toned paper, and elegantly bound in cloth, in black and gold. . .$1.50 DICK'S DIALECT RECITATIONS. A COLIJSCTION or DROLL DUTCH BLUNDERS. FRENCHMEN'S FUNNY MISTAKES, AND LUDICROUS AND EXTRAVAGANT YANKEE YARNS; EACH RECITATION BEING IN ITS OWN PECULIAR DIALECT, EDITED BY \VM. B. DICK. YOKK: DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS, No. 18 ANN STREET. Entered according to Act of Congress, In the year 1879, by DICK & FITZGEBALD, In the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. CONTENTS. DUTCH DIALECT. PAGE. DEB MULE SHTOOD ON DEB STEAMBOAD DECK 6 Go VAY, BECKY MILLEB 6 DEB DBUMMEB 12 MYGEL SNYDEB'S BABTY 13 SNYDEB'S NOSE 20 DYIN' VOBDS OF ISAAC 22 FKITZ -CND 1 23 BETSEY UND I HAFB BUST UB 28 SCHNKIDEB BEES T.KATI 30 Dor FUNNY LEETLE BABY 34 SCHNITZEBL'S PHILOSOPEDE 35 DEB Doo USD DEB LOBSTEB 39 SCHLOBKEB'S IllDE 43 MINE KATRINE 48 MA--D MULLEB 62 EIN DEUTSCHES LIED 67 HANS AXD FBITZ 68 SCHSEIDEB'S TOMATOES 63 DEITSCHE ADVERTISEMENT 64 VAS BENDER HEKSHPECEED 72 LIFE.. LJBEBTY AND IIAOEB 74 DEB Ctoor LOOKIN' SHNOW 76 MB. SCHMIDT'S MISTAKE 78 HOME AGAIN 79 DOT SUBPBISE PABTY 80 DEB "WBECK OP DEB HEZBEEUS 91 IKAAO ROSENTHAL ON TUB CHINEBK QUESTION 99 HANS BKEITMANN'S PABTY 100 SHOO FLIES 106 A DUTCHMAN'S ANSWER 107 How JAKE SCHNEIDEB WENT BLIND 109 I TABU so GLAD I VA.SH HEBE 115 THE DUTCHMAN AND THE YANKEE 120 UOWTHE DUTCHMAN KILLED THE WOODCHUCK 124 DKB KIGHD PEIIJXO GHTSDMAS 125 THE DUTCHMAN'S SNAKE 12C YorpY's VABDEB UND HEES DBUBBLES 130 DHBEE SHKADEBS 133 KATBINA LIKES ME POODY YELL 135 HANS IN A Fix 139 < t: YAWCOB STBAUSS 142 H'ow A DUTCHMAN WAS DONE 143 DOT LAMBH vor MAKY HAF GOT 146 THE YANKEE AND THE DUTCHMAN'S Doo 147 AGEB 149 4 CONTENTS. PAGE. SCHNEIDER'S RIDE 153 THE DUTCHMAN AND THE SMALL-POX. 155 TlAJIONDTS ON DEB PRAIN 157 A DUTCHMAN'S TESTIMONY IN A STEAMBOAT CASE 161 HANS BREITMANN AND THE TURNERS 163 DIALECT. THE FRENCHMAN'S DILEMMA; OB, NUMBER FIVE COLLECT STREET 7 THE FRENCHMAN'S REVENGE 24 KOOZELL AND THE ORGAN GRINDER 3G How A FRENCHMAN ENTERTAINED JOHN BULL 41 MB. ROGERS AND MONSIEUR, DENISE 54 THE FRENCHMAN AND THE LANDLORD 69 THE FRENCHMAN AND THE SHEEP'8 TBOTTEBS 70 A FRENCHMAN'S ACCOUNT OP THE 3? ALT. 75 I VANT TO FLY 81 THE GENEBOUS FRENCHMAN 93 THE FRENCHMAN AND THE FLEA, POWDER 98 THE FRENCHMAN AND THE RATS 108 MONSIEUR TONSON Ill VAT You PLEASE 117 THE FRENCHMAN AND THE MOSQUITOES 123 THE FRENCHMAN'S PATENT SCREW 134 THE FRENCHMAN'S MISTAKE '. .140 MONSIEUR MOCQUARD .BETWEEN Two FIRES 150 MRS. BEAN'S COURTSHIP 15 HEZ AND THE LANDLORD 45 SQUIRE BILLINGS' PICKEREL 49 DEACON THRUSH IN MEETING 61 THE YANKEE FIRESIDE 66 PETER SORGHUM IN LOVE 84 MRS. SMART LEARNS HOW TO SKATE 86 CAPT. HURRICANE JONES ON THE MIRACLES 101 THE DUTCHMAN AND THE YANKEE 120 THE YANKEE LANDLORD 123 THE BEWITCHED CLOCK 136 THE YANKEE AND THE DUTCHMAN'S DOG 147 AUNT HETTY ON MATRIMONY 151 THE COUHTIN' 158 EBENEZER ON A BUST 162 SUT LOVINGOOD'S SlIIRT 105 DICK'S DUTCH, FRENCH m YANKEE DIALECT RECITATIONS. DEB MULE SHTOOD ON DEB STEAM- BO AD DECK. AS UECITED BY J. 8. BUBDBTT. Der mule shtood on der steamboad deck, For der land he wouldn't dread, Dhey tied a balder rount bis neck, Und vacked Mm over der headt. But obstinate and braced bo sbtood, As born der scene do rule, A creature of der holt-back brood A shtubborn, shtoadi'ast mule. Dhey cursed and shwore, bud he vould not go TJndill he felt inclined, Und dough dhey dundered blow on blow, Ho aldered nod his mind. Der boats-boy to der shore complained, Der varmint's bound do shtay, Shtill ubon dot olt mule's hide Der sounding lash made blay. His masder from der shore reblied, " Der bead's aboud do sail ; As oder means in vain you've dried, Subbose you dwist his daiL GO VAT, BECKY MILLER, GO VAT. I dhink dot dat vill magke him land." Der boats-boy, brave, dough bale, Den near drew mit oudstretched hand, Do magke der dwist avail. Dhen game a kick of thunder sound ! Dot boy oh, vhere vas he ? Ask of der vaves dot far around Beheld him in der sea. For a moment not a voice was heard, Bud dot mule he vinked his eye, As dhough to ask, to him occurred, How vas dot for high ? GO VAY, BECKY MILLER, GO VAY! A FAVOKITE DUTCH DIALECT BECITATION. I don't lofe you now von schinall little bit, My dream vas blayed oudt, so blease git up und git ; Tour false-heardted vays I can't got along mit Go vay, Becky Miller, go vay ! Tas all der young vomans so false-heardted like you, Mit a face nice und bright, but a heart black und plue, TJnd all der vhile schworing you lofed me so drue Go vay, Becky Miller, go vay ! Yy, vonce I fought you vas a schtar vay up high ; I liked you so better as gogonut bie ; But oh, Becky Miller, you hafe profed vone big lie Go vay, Becky Miller, go vay ! You dook all de bresents vat I did bresent, Yes, gobbled up efery blamed thing vot I sent ; All der vhile mit anoder young rooster you vent Go vay, Becky Miller, go vay ! Yhen first I found out you vas such a big lie, I didn't know vedder to schmudder or die ; Bud now, by der chingo, I don't efen cry Go vay, Becky Miller, go vay ! THE FRENCHMAN'S DILEMMA. 7 Don'd dry make belief you vas sorry abond, I don'd belief a dings vot coomes oud by your moud ; TJnd besides I don'd care, for you vas blayed oud Go vay, Becky Miller, go vay ! P. S. (pooty short.) Veil, he dold Becky to go a vay enough dimes, enner how. I dinks he vas an uckly fellow. Veil, berhaps that serfs Becky choost right for daking bres- ents from von fellow, vhile she vas vinkmg her nose by anoder vellow. THE FRENCHMAN'S DILEMMA; OK, NO. 5 COLLECT STREET. ADAPTED FOB READING BY JOHN A. MC NTTLTY. The following story is told by a Frenchman who visited this country some years ago. At that time there was a street in the lower part of New York called Collect Street (now Canal Street), in which was a small hotel patronized by distinguished foreign- ers. The Frenchman relates his adventures in his own peculiar manner : I haf just arrivt in New York from ze steamaire ; and by ze recommendah-si-on of some of mine friends, I haf decide to stop at ze Collect Street. I go in vat you call ze ca-ab to ze place, vich I find vair nice. Zey geeve me a good room ; eet vas asset high up ze stairs in ze garrette but " novaire mind," zey say, " eet ees van* hailzey and for view ze metro-polees." Eh bien ! I haf receive mine bagage, and I make mine toilette. Zen I sink, vat sail I do f Ah ! I vill take ze promenade. Good ! Tres-Uen ! I deescend to ze offeece, and request ze plaisir to be intro- duce to ze proprietaire. Ze proprietaire he come toute- suite, and I sank heem van: mooch for ze room, ze grand accommodation ; and every sing vat you call ze feexins in ze maison geeve me great sateesfaction. I tell heem zat I sink I vill go to ze promenade, and see ze ceety by ze 8 THE FRENCHMAN'S DILEMMA. night-light, if he vill so mooch oblige as to geeve me zo nombaire of ze maison, vich I shall not forget to come back. He tell me vair polite zat ze hotel ees nombaire five Col- lect Street. He vas vair polite, and I make him adieu, and proceed to ze street. I repeat to mineself, " Ze nom- baire five Collect Street five Collect Street nombaire five." I sink I nevaire forget zat nombaire. I regarde partout, I look from dees side to ze ozzer side. Oh ! I admire ze noveltee of zat street. Eet is admirable. Zen I look again. Ah ! Qu'est-ce que c'est que ga ! Mon- sieur Barnoom Menagerie ! ze vite elephant ! ze ladee vis ze beard! Ze (Vat ees dat?) Ah! oui, ze light- ening calcn-lateur ! Jenny Leend! Ze snake vis ze tou- sand stripe on hees boday ! Quel Barnoom ! Quel mena- gerie! Oh! gra-ate contree! Sooch a peecture! Ze leeon, ze teegar, ze monkee, ze cat, ze bird, zey all leeve togezzer. Vot a countree ! Vat a (Suddenly thinJring.) Nombaire five Collect Street nombaire five I nevaire forget zat nombaire. I continue mine promenade and stand vis-a-vis vat you call opposeet vair brillant palais, viz ze inveetation to come in by ze door. I sink I go in I entaire, and I pay five/rawcs, ven I be-hold a sight cJtarmant. Eet ees a tMatre. I am vair content. Ah ! nombaire vat vas ze nombaire? Mais oui; nombaire five Collect Street. I nevaire forget ze nombaire ! Presently ze rideau vat you call ze curtame make oop, and ze acteur he come on, and he play ze Macca-bess. Oh ! ze vondaireful Macca-bess ! I roosh to ze front, and I say : h " Ah ! your Mossieu' Shak-es-pier ! He is g-r-aa-nd * mysterieuse soo-blime ! You 'ave reads ze Macabess ? ze scene of ze Mossieu' Macabess vis ze Vitch eh ? Superb sooblimitee ! Wen he say to ze Vitch, 'Ar-r-r-oynt ze, Vitch !' she go away : but what she say when she go away I She say she will do s'omesing dat 'aves got no na-ame ! 'Ah, ha !' she say, ' I go, like ze r-r-aa-t vizout ze tail but, THE FRENCHMAN'S DILEMMA. 9 I'll do ! Ill do ! I'll DO !' Wliat she do ? Ah, ha ! voila 1c gra-and mystericuse Mossieu' Shak-es-pier ! She not say what she do !" Zeu. I stop mineself, I sink vat ees zat nombairo? I sink I sink mats oui! Nombaire five Collect Street. I nevaire forget zat nombaire ! Tres-bien. Zen I continue : " Mossieu' Macabess, he see Macaduffs come, clos' by : he say, ' Come o-o-n, Mossiou' Macaduffs, and sacr-r-re be he who first say Enoffs ." Zen zey fi-i-ght moche. Ah, ha ! voila ! Mossieu' Macabess, vis his br-r-right r-r-appier, ' pink' him, vat you call, in his body. He 'ave gots mal d'cstomac : he say, vis grand simplicite, ' Enofls !' What for he say ' Enoffs ' ? 'Cause he got eiioffs pla-anty ; and he empire, r-r-ight away, 'mediately, pretty queeck ! Ah, mcs amis, Mossieu' Shak-es-pier is rising man in La Belle France /" Zen I sink again vat ees zat nombaire? I'sink of nos- sing but nombaire Macca-bess, Shak-es-pier Street. No, no ! zat ees not eet ! Eet ees nornbaire Shak-es-pier Diable ! Zat ees not eet ! Oh ! ciel ! Oh, mine grace- chious ! Vat sail I do I I forget ze nombaire ! Au diable viz ze Macca-bess ! Pourquoi vy I come hi ze miserable theatre f Zen ze people zey come at me zey say, " Vat for you make troubles in ze theatre f Put ze crazee French- man out! Put heem out!" Oui,pardi! I feel mineself crazee. I roosh out of ze theatre f Ze people zey poosh, zey pull zey keek me all ze vay to ze trottoir vat you call ze si-de-valk. Cr-r-rctonncrre! Iloseininenve/racs. I lose mine chapcau. I lose mine nombaire. I lose mine courage. I not know vich vay I sail go. I not know nos- sing ! I sail go derange". Zen I hear a man say, " Ca-ab, sair ?" He say, " I takes you any vere you sail veesh to go for five dollaire." I sink it vair funnee, but he take me by ze arm and put mo in ze cabriolet. I sink now I hav end of ze troubles. I sect down and make mineself comfortable. Zen ze miserable man he ask me, " Vero I sail vish to go." 10 THE FRENCHMAN'S DILEMMA. I say, " I vish to go to ze hotel, but I not know ze nom- baire." Vat you zink he do? Ze cochon vat you call ze peeg he dra-ag me out of ze ca-ab he shut ze door, and he go vay visout me. Vat sail I do ? I go zees vay I go zat vay I not know vere I sail go. Zen annozer man vis ze cab he take me by ze arm and put me in hees ca-ab. I say to heem, " I vish to go to ze hotel but I not know hees nombaire." He tell me to go to someveres else. Eet vas not mine nombaire vat he say, so I come again out of ze ca-ab. Ze man he make some feests in mine face, and say somezings I not comprend, and I feel mineself tres miserable. Zen a beeg man vis blue coat and beeg club take me by ze arm, and say, " Vat for you make some troubles ?" I say to heem, vair polite and tranquil, zat I haf forgot ze nom- baire, zat I am perdu, and zat I veesh to go to ze hotel. He call me nuisance and crazee, and say he take me to ze Tombs. I say zat is not mine hotel not mine nombaire. He say I sail shut of mine mout, or he will geeve me some clubs. Aftaire zat I make mineself van* qui-et, and I go viz heem to a vair large Mtiment viz beeg steps. He take me and he push me into a miserable dirtee place, fill viz ze canaille oh I so dirty! une place horrible for a gentle-man. Van: soon ze beeg man take me to ze juge vat you call justeece, and he say zat I am disturbance in ze tMatre and in ze street, and make troubles viz ze ca-abs. All ze time I suffaire ze torment of ze diable. I feel I soon expire. Ze justeece hear ze story of ze big man viz ze club, and zen he ask me vas ees mine name, and vere I leeve. Oh ! he was vair impoli, and vat you call him rou row roo Ah! oui ruif! Ze occasion, zat ees, ze opportunite haf now arrive zat I can prove zat I am gentilhomme, and not ze blackguard. I say, " Monsieur le justice, I am miserable strangair. I haf forget mine nombaire. I know not vich vay I leeve. Ze cabman make me vair mooch annoyance ; zey not treat me THE FRENCHMAN'S DILEMMA. 11 like ze gentleman. Mai foi ! vat sail I do? I am innocent. I do nossing zat I sail be so treated. I feel deestract. Oh ! vy vas I forget mine nombaire !" Zen I sink I get ze gra-and idee. I say to ze justeece, " Monsieur vat ees dat, ven you go to ze partie, and you eat and you drink vair mooch ; and den you go to ze leetle bed, and zen you haf van- bad pain in Testomac vat you call heem, eh ? vat name you geeve to zat pain ?" Zen zo justeece make reply zat eet vas ze night-e-mare. " Non, non !" say I to heem, " zat is not heem. Eet ees not ze night-e-mare street zat I veel. Oh ! vat sail I do ? Cr-r-r6! Ah ! zen I sink I veel try anozer times, and I say, " Mon- sieur le justice, vat is dat, ven you go to ze gr-r-reat partie, and you eat ze rosbif, ze e'crivisse, vat you call him cra-abs, ze lobstaire, ze frontage, and you dreenk ze vine of cham- pagne, ze port, ze claret all ze sorts of every sing. You go to your leetle bed you make sleep. Zen zere come hi a beeg giant by ze vindow, and seet himself on you on ze poitrinez at ees your estomac and you haf ter-r-rible pain. Vat you call zat, eh I" Zen ze justeece, he say zat ees a vair bad case of ze indi- gestion. " Non, non !" say I, " zat is not ze indigestion street zat I veel. Oh! Cr-renom! Vat ees eet more for me to do ? I am crazee ! Zat ees too vair mooch ! Mon- sieur le justice ! I" I cry once more wiz desperation, " vat ees dat, eef you go to ze gr-r-r-and partie, and you eat ze rosbif, ze turkey, ze salade de lobstaire, ze pdt6 defoiegras, ze consomme', ze ice-e-cream, ze petit pois, ze maccaroni, and dreenk ze vine, ze eau-de-vie, ze veeskee every sing zat you can cr-r-r-am in. Zen you go to ze bed, and make Bleep, and ze giant he come and seet on your estomac on ze one side, and ze vife of ze giant, tree, four time as beeg, come een and seet on ze ozzer side of your estomac ; and ze giant pull your estomac on hees side, and ze vifo pull ze ozzer side of your estomac, and you get ze mal 12 DER DRUMMER. d'estomacze hor-r-ribk pain vat you call heem, eh ?" Zen ze justeece say lie sink zat eet most be vair like ze coligue. Oh, ciel ! zat ees eet ! Vous-avez raison ! Oh, Monsieur le bon justice ! you haf save me ! I sail nevaire forget zat nevaire ! Zat ees ze Collect Street vat I vaut ! Oh, Monsieur le justice, Je vous remercie tank you, sare. Eef ze cab-a-man make me ze apologee, I sail take heem to ze hotel, nombaire five Collect Street. 7 ' Zen I make ze grand adieu to ze justeece, and I go viz ze cabriolet to mine hotel. DEB DRUMMER. BY CHAS. !>'. ADAMS. Who puts oup at der pest hotel, "DM dakes his oysders on der schell, TJnd mit der frauleins cuts a schwell ? ,>iy Der drummer. Who vash it gomes indo mine schtore, Drows down his pundles on der vloor, Und nefer schtops to shut der door ? Der drummer. Who dakes me py der handt und say: " Hans Pfeiffer, how you vas to-day ?" Und goes for peesness righdt avay ? Der drummer. Who shpreads his zamples in a trice, Und dells me " look, und see how nice" ? Und says I gets " der bottom price" ? Der drummer. Who says der tings vas eggstra vine " Vrom Sharmany, ubon der Khine" Und sheats me den dimes oudt of nine ? Der drummer. MTGEL SNYDER'S BAKTY. 13 "WTio dells bow sheap der goots vas bought, Moocb less as vot I gould imbort, But lets dem go, as he vas " short" t Der drummer. Who varrants all der goots to suit Der gustomere ubon his route, TJnd ven dey gomes dey vas no goot f Der drummer. "Who gomes arount ven I been oudt, Drinks oup mine bier, and eats mine kraut, Unt kiss Katrina in der mout' ? Der drummer. "Who, ven he gomes again dis vay, , Till hear vot Pfeiffer has to say, TJnd mit a plack eye goes avay? Der drummer. MYG-EL SNYDER'S BARTY. AS BECTTED BY OCS WILLIAMS. Veil, of you'll only lisden, I vill told you about dot bar- ty vot Mygel Snyder gife last week at his house. Yah, mine freunds, dot vas a high-doned barty und all de fust- glass beoples vas dere. Dere vas Miss Krouse, Misder Bumblestein, Mrs. Dinglebender of Baxter Street, Mr. Kansmeyer, Mr. Gimp, Misder und Mrs. Lautcnslauger of Soudth Fidth Afenue, und a goot many oders whose .names I don't forgot. Miss Krouse had her hair done up in scrambled eggs, und den she voro a dress of blain cord- ed bed-dick. Mr. Bumblestein had on a new segond- hand swallow-head coat, und den he vore a vatch-chain made oud of do dail of de cow vot kicged de lamp over in Shicago. Den der vas nice dances doo ; dere vas Polkers, Valtzes, Les Lunches, Squadrilles, und Succatoshes. Und den afdor de dancing ve blayed some games ; ve blayed Buss in Shoes, Bost Office, und Grokenhagens, und Plind 14 MTGEL SNYDER'S BAETT. Man's Snuff. Und den afder dot a young man got ub to make a sbeech, und he gommenced py saying, " I am here." In aboud dree minudes he vasn't dere; he vas drunk, und de gommiddee shucked him oud of de segond sdory vindow, und he valked right off on his ear. Veil, Mrs. Dinglebender broughd her baby, de sweedest liddle baby vot you efer seen, mid a nose like a chesdnud, (veil, de baby can't help dot,) und id's head vas as large as a foot-ball, (veil, de baby can't help dot,) und de baby vas yust old enough to grawl around on de garpet, und feed on dacks und hair-bins. Veil, putty guick righd avay oud, dot baby fell in de slob-bail und got choging mit a bod-a-do-sgin. Id's a nice ding, dough, being a farder, und exbecially gedding ub of a cold vinter's nide, mit your feet on de oil- cloth, bouring oud baregoric in a deaspoon mit der ther- momeder ninedy-nine degrees pelowde cidy-hall pymoon- lide; (veil, de baby can't help dot;) id's a nice ding to dink dot a baby vas going to grow ub und have " mumbs," 11 measles," " golera infandum," "jim-jams," und dings like dot to dake avay a man's money vot he has laid avay for a new suit of glothes. Bud I eubboses dot's all righd, dondit? Ven subber vas putty quick ready, I sot mineself down to ead dribe, und cakes, und onions, und bodadoes, und pigs' feed, und Miss Krouse she ead so hardy dot she got fery sick, und der doctor sait she had der coleric. Yes, Miss Krouse got de coleric. She vas drying to ead a mince-pie mit a doot-prush in id, und id didn't agree vit her. But den dot subber dable vas loaded ub mit aU de in- delicacies of de season. Dere vas beanuts und red her- rings und boddles of green-zeal soda-vater; und den Oofty Gooft broughd a boddle of Vooster-sdreet sauce, und den der vas a Christmas dree a.bout dwo inches high sed in a spiddoon in de middle of de dable yust for noding put ornamendations. MBS. BEAN'S COURTSHIP. 15 Afder subber dere vas such nice singing. Vono young man got ub und singed a song vot vent like dis : " He flies drough do air mit his mout full of cheese, ho vas a young man vot chewed ub a drapeze" or someding like dot anyhow ; den ve all joined in de ghorus. Den dey asged me to sing, und ven I got ub to sing de beoble kepd so sdill you could hear a house fall down. I sung dot song aboud Mary had a leetle lamp, ids vool all over vite und ven I had sung von verse, some fellar hollere loud ." Oh ! give us a resd." I dold him dot I didn't know de resd of id ; of I did I vould give id to him, und den he dold me to "drob of mineself;" but I dond understood Ladin, so I couldn't make oud vot he vas dalking aboud, bud I must have sung nice, for vile I vas singing every vone vent oud of de room. Soon after dot I vent home, bud venever I regomember dot vcstif night I alvays say to mineself: Oh ! vot loda of , fun, Oh ! vot lods of fun, Dancing, singing, all de dime, Drinking lager-bier und vein ; At dot hardy down at Mygel Snyder's. MRS. BEAN'S COURTSHIP. YANKEE DIA1JECT BECITATKH*. CLARA AUGUSTA. Did I ever tell you how it happened that I didn't live and die an old maid ? No. Well, I thought so. If you'll just keep quiet, and stop twirling the handle of your parasol, I don't mind intertaining you with an account of my airly life, while I bind off the heel of this stocking. Who in creation is that going into Brown's ? A woman with a blue shawl on ! 'Taint none of the nabors, for there haint a blue shawl in the naborhood ; and she's got an lunberill in her hand. 'Pears to me Brown's folks have a tremenjuous sight of company. I don't believe, just atween 16 MRS. BEAST'S COURTSHIP. you and me, that they've had a mite of pork in their house for months ! Danil seed an empty pork-barril a setting afore their door the first of April, and there it's sot ever sense. It's a mystery to me what makes 'em invite folks so hard to visit 'em. But I was agwine to tell you something about old tunes. It's nigh on to twenty years ago that father sold the Ben- son place, and moved into the State of Maine. Maine is one of the powerfulest regions that ever you seed ! Famous place for white-pine gum, big punkins, and ship-timber. . Beats the world, and all the starry spears, on them kind of things. Great place for folks to grow big there, too. I've seen a girl of sixteen that was as much as two inches taller than Grandfather Lynitt's brother Eben, without stockings ! When father first moved to Pineville I was just as on- contented as I could be ; but after awhile I got acquainted with some of the folks, and then I felt as much at home as a sheep in clover. There ! there's that same woman coming out of Brown's agin. She's got a bundle! A piece of fresh meat, I'll warrant ! Brown's folks killed a steer yesterday. Strange, now, that they do give away things so ! If I was Miss Brown, and my husband had to work as hard as Brown does for everything, I'd try and see if I couldn't be a little more equinomical with my pervisions. It's singular that some folks haint got no more thought ! Less see where did I leave off I I declare, I feel so curis about that blue shawl that I can't keep the run of what I'm saying ; and if I haint dropped three stitches on the heel of this stocking ! Now that's too bad ! I guess I can fix 'em though I'm good at fixing knittin' work. Joshua Bean was the great beau at Pineville. He beat all the rest of the fellers holler. All the girls in the place were sot together to captivate him, and if he happened to turn his eyes in the direction of one of 'em, all the others MRS. BEAN'S COURTSHIP. 17 was madder than hatters ! It did seem as if Sally Price and Betsy Walker would break their necks to see which should get him ! They would have gone through fire and water, if he had asked 'em to, and never got scorched nor drowned. Every girl that I was acquainted with kept up an everlast- ing talking about Joshua Bean, and as I'd never seen him I concluded he must be more of a sight than the elephant. One evening Sally Price had a party, and then, for the first time, I seed Joshua Bean. He was a tall, light-haired feller, with eyes that looked as if they wouldn't wash and bile well, and the pertest turned-up nose that ever came out of the ark ! I was introduced to him, and we played Copenhagen, and Button, and Hunt the Slipper, together ; and I kissed him through the back of a cheer, and he kissed me over the top of the looking-glass. After the performance was all through with, he asked if he might escort me home ; and I let him. I made believe I didn't want him to go ; but then, you see, I was just as willing as could be, and terrible 'feared he'd take me as I sod, and not as I meant. Forchunitly, he was acquainted with the girls, and understood their folderols ; so he didn't pay no attention at all to what I sed, but just grabbed my arm and marched off with me. Wasn't all of the rest of the girls provoked ? Didn't they turn up their noses at me? Didn't they call Joshua a half-baked, sneaking sky-scraper ? Didn't they, now f I rather guess they did. The next Sunday about four o'clock in the afternoon, an hour after we'd got home from meeting, mother looked out of the window, down the road, and sez she : " Lawful heart ! If there haiut Joshua Bean a-coming up the street." When I heerd what she said I blushed like a piny ; and Sam and Danil they just whistled. 18 MKS. BEAN'S COURTSHIP. " I wonder," sez marm, " what his bizness can be ? He haint got no tin pail nor nothing that I can see. He can't be coming to borry meal, and we've paid his father for that quarter of veal, and I've carried home his mother's hand reel." " Guess it's more'n as likely as not," sez pa, " that he's coming to see our Dorothy. I seed him give her a pond- lily to meeting this morning ; and I declare she's got it in her hair now." " Humph," sez marm ; " you did, indeed ! Well, then I guess we'll scramble out of the room as fast as ever we can, and leave the young folks to themselves. Come, Sam and Dan." And off they went. In about a minit I heard Joshua knock at the door. My heart went pitty-patty, but I ariz and opened the door. Joshua was there, looking skeered nigh about to death. " How de do V sez he. " How de do ?" sez I ; " won't you come in?" " I dunno," sez he. "You'd better," sez I. " Where's your par ?" sez he. " He's to home," sez I ; "do you want to see him ?" " No, I dunno as I do," sez he ; " it's kinder warm to- day, haint it ?" and he wiped his face with his red bandith' handkercher. " Yes," sez I, " 'tis warm ; you'd better come in." " I don't keer if I do," sez he, and in he came, and took a cheer on the settle. I sat down on a stool a little ways off. " Kinder cool for the season, haint it ?" sez he, buttoning up his coat. " Yes," sez I, though I perspired like a washerwoman. Then there was an orfullong spell of nothing's being sed. I pleated up a newspaper and fanned myself; Joshua pared his finger-nails and tied his handkerchief up in knots. MRS. BEAN'S COURTSHIP. 19 ~ Finally Joshua kinder sidled up toward me, and arter he'd looked at me a spell sideways, sez he : "Dorothy, sugar is almost as sweet as anything else, now isn't it ?" " Yes, 'tis," sez I, " unless sap molasses is sweeter." " Don't you think honey is sweeter than any one of 'em ?" sez he. " Yes, I do," sez I. "Well, Dorothy," sez he, "you beat all three of em." Then there was another spell of saying nothing. I felt so fluctuated that I couldn't think of nothing to say, and Joshua was run out of subjects. At last a new idea struck him. Sez he : " Dorothy, where do you s'pose I got this weskit ?" " I dunno," sez I. " Guess," sez he. " Down to Burnham's store," sez L " No," sez he. " To Nelson's, then ?" "No, sir!" " Then your mother wove it for you ?" " Not by a good deal ! It was made out of Aunt Peggy's old red gownd." Then it seemed as if he never would think of anything more to say, till bymeby sez he : " Dorothy, how many chickens has your folks got ?" " Only twenty-three," sez I ; but we had as much as fifty. " Well, I declare ! what has become of 'em?" " The hawks ketched some, and some died a-shedding their feathers." " That's bad," sez he. " Yes," sez I, " that's so." Then we sot still another spell, and then mother she came in. Joshua blushed, and I must have turned the colors of the rainbow. "Mr. Bean," sez she, " did you come a-courting to-day ? 20 SNYDER'S NOSE. If so, why don't you say what you're got to say ? If you want Dorothy, I am willing ; she's got the warp and fillin' for a coverlid, and a bran new feather-bed." " Old lady," scz he, a kinder startin' up, "you're a tvliole team /" Then mother went out, and Joshua he dropped rite down on his knees, and sez he, with a great deal of emotion : " Dorothy, your mother has give me liberty. She broke the ice. Will you bo my pardner ?" " Joshua," sez I, "I'm jest as willin' as I can be," and in a minute more I was grabbed up close to the red weskit. Well, he made me a dreadful charmin' husband ; but I do believe if it hadn't been for mother he wouldn't have popped the question to this day. SNYDER'S NOSE. BY " OUB FAT CONTEEBTJTOB. " Snyder kept a beer-saloon some years ago "over the Rhine." Snyder was a ponderous Teuton of very irascible temper " sudden and quick in quarrel" get mad in a minute. Nevertheless his saloon was a great resort for "the boys" partly because of the excellence of his beer and partly because they liked to chafe "old Snyder," as they called him; for, although his bark was terrific, experience had taught them that he wouldn't bite. One day Snyder was missing ; and it was explained by his "frau," who "jerked" the beer that day, that he had "gone out fishing mit der poys." The next day one of the boys, who was particularly fond of "roasting" old Snyder, dropped in to get a glass of beer, and discovered Snyder's nose, which was a big one at any time, swollen and blistered by the sun, until it looked h'ke a dead-ripe tomato. "Why, Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?" said the caller. SNYDEK'S NOSE. 21 "I peen out fishing mit der poys, " replied Snyder, lay- ing his finger tenderly against his proboscis; "the sun it pese hot like ash never vas, und I pums my nose. Nice nose, don't it ? " And Snyder viewed it with a look of comi- cal sadness in the little mirror back of his bar. It entered at once into the head of the mischievous fellow in front of the bar to play a joke upon Snyder; so he went out and collected half a dozen of his comrades, with whom he arranged that they should drop in at the saloon one after another, and ask Snyder, "What's the matter with that nose?" to see how long he would stand it. The man who put up the job went in first with a companion, and seating themselves at a table called for beer. Snyder brought it to them, and the new-comer exclaimed as he saw him, "Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?" "I yust dell your friend here I peen out fishin' mit der poys, unt do sun purnt 'em zwei lager den cents all right." Another boy rushes in. " Halloo, boys, you're ahead of me this time; s'pose I'm in, though. Here, Snyder, bring me a glass of lager and a pret" (appears to catch a sud- den glimpse of Snyder's nose, looks wonderingly a moment and then bursts out laughing) "ha! ha! ha! Why, Snyder ha ! ha ! what's the matter with that nose ?" Snyder, of course, can't see any fun in having a burnt nose or having it laughed at; and he says, hi a tone sternly emphatic : "I peen out fishin' mit der poys, unt do sun it yust ash hot ash blazes, unt I purnt my nose; dat ish all right." Another tormentor comes in, and insists on "setting 'em up" for the whole house. "Snyder," says he, "fill up the boys' glasses, and take a drink yourse ho! ho! ho! ho! ha! ha! ha! Snyder, wha ha! ha! what's the matter with that nose ?" Snyder's brow darkens with wrath by this tune, and his voice grows deeper and sterner: 22 DYTN' VOKDS or ISAAC. "I peen out fishin' mit der poys on the Leedle Miami. De sun pese hot like ash vel, I burn my pugle. Now that is more vot I don't got to say. Vot gind o' peseness? Dat ish all right ; I purn my own nose, don't it?" "Burn your nose burn all the hair off your head, for what I care; you needn't get mad about it." It was evident that Snyder wouldn't stand more than one more tweak at that nose, for he was tramping about be- hind his bar, and growling like an exasperated old bear in his cage. Another one of his tormentors walks in. Some one sings out to him, "Have a glass of beer, Billy!" " Don't care about any beer, " says Billy, " but, Snyder, you may give me one of your best ciga Ha-a-a! ha! ha! ha ! ho ! ho ! ho ! he ! he ! he ! ah-h-h-ha ! ha ! ha ha ! Why why Snyder who who ha-ha ! ha ! what's the matter with that nose?" Snyder was absolutely fearful to behold by this time ; his face was purple with rage, all except his nose, which glowed like a ball of fire. Leaning his ponderous figure far over the bar, and raising his arm aloft to emphasize his words with it, he fairly roared : " I peen out fishin' mit ter poys. The sun it pese hot like ash never was. I purn my nose. Now you no like dose nose, you yust take dose nose unt wr-wr-wr- wring your mean American finger mit 'em. That's the kind of man vot I am !" And Snyder was right. DYIN' VORDS OF ISAAC. A DUTCH DIALECT BEADING. Vhen Shicago vas a leedle villages, dhere lifed dherein, py dot Clark Sdhreet out, a shentlemans who got some names like Isaacs ; he geeb a cloting store, mit goots dot vit you yoost der same like dey vas made. Isaacs vas a goot fellers, und makes goot pishness on his hause. Veil, FRITZ mro i. 23 thrado got besser as der time he vas come, und dose leetle shtore vas not so pig enuff like anudder shtore, und pooty gwick he locks out und leaves der pblace. Now Yacob Schlofl'enheimer vas a shmard feller, und he dinks of he dook der olt shtore he got good pishness und dose olt coostomere von Isaac out. Von tay dhere comes a shentlemans on his store, und Yacob quick say of der mans, " How you vas, mem freund ; you like to look of mine goots, aind it?" "Nein," der mans say. "Veil, mem freund, it makes me netting troubles to show dot goots." " Nein ; I dond vood buy sometings to tay." " Yoost come mit me vonce, mem freund, und I show you sometings, und, so hellub me gracious, I dond ask you to buy dot goots." " Veil, I told you vat it vas, I dond vood look at some tings yoost now ; I keebs a livery shtable, und I likes to see mein old freund, Mister Isaacs, und I came von Kaintucky out to see him vonce." "Mister Isaacs ? Veil, dot is pad ; I vas sorry von dot. I dells you, mein freund, Mister Isaacs he vas died. He vas mein brudder, und he vas not mit us eny more. Yoost vhen he vas on his deat-ped, und vas dyin', he says of me, ' Yacob, (dot ish mein names,) und I goes me ofer mit his petside, und he poods his hands of mine, und he says of me, ' Yacob, ofer a man he shall come von Kaintucky out, mit ret hair, und mit plue eyes, Yacob, sell him dings cheab,' und he lay ofer und died his last." FRITZ UND I. BY CHARLES T. ADAMS FBOM SCRIBNEB'8 MONTHLY. Mynheer, blca.se helb a boor oldt man, Yot gomes vrom Sharmany, Mit Fritz, mine tog und only freund, To geep me gompany. I haf no gelt to puy mine pread, No blace to lay me down, 24 THE FRENCHMAN'S REVENGE. For ve vas vanderers, Fritz und I, Und strangers in der town. Some beoples gife us dings to eadt, Und some dey kicks us oudt, Und say: " You ton't got peesnis here To sdroll der schtreets aboudt !" Vot's dat you say ! You puy mine tog To gife me pread to eadt ? I vas so boor as nefer vas, Bat I vas no "tead peat ! " Vot ! sell mine tog, mine leetle tog, Dot vollows me aboudt, Und vags his dail like anydmgs Yene'er I dakes him oudt ? Schust look at him, und see him schump! He likes me pooty veil ; Und dere vas somedings 'bout dat tog, Mynheer, I vouldn't sell. " Der collar T' N"ein, 'tvas someding else Yrom vich I gould not bart ; Und if dot ding vas dook avay I dinks it prakes mine heart. "Vot vas it, den, aboudt dat tog, " You ashk, " dat's not vor sale ?" I dells you vat it ish, mine freund, Tish der vag off dat tog's dail ! THE FRENCHMAN'S REVENGE. A FRENCH DIALECT RECITATION. Monsieur Chabot was a Frenchman of high connections a grand nephew, or fourth cousin, or something, of the great French house of Rohan-Chabot, which, as " cousins of the king," outranks dukes and princes ; and what was THE FRENCHMAN'S REVENGE. 25 as comfortable, M. Chabot was very rich. He came, an old man, about twenty years ago, to New York on jt visit, and was much caressed. There was a rumor that the Count, as they called him, had lost his all, once, on a sea- voyage, and then somehow turned the loss into a fortune. The night before he left for France, at a dinner-party given in his honor, some bold fellow, his head filled with wine, bluntly asked him about it. We were horror-struck ; but the Count took it pleasantly, and gave us the story. Here it is: "Yaes, zat ees so. I loss ver' moche money on zo ocean, mats I peek up more, an' I 'ave mai gr-r-rand revanche. You see, ve vere at var wiz ze Anglish at ze taem, an' ze Anglish vere at var wiz ze Americain. Zen ze mastaire of a sheep hi Havre say to me : ' Monsieur Cha- bot, 'ave you money?' I say, 'Ah! oui! a lectio.' He say, ' Viz money you make grand fortune. Ze Augh'sh 'ave blockade' ze cawst of Amerique. Ze brandee in Amer- ique is scarce an' 'igh. Ze Americain gentleman suffer terrible ! Ze man who relieve him ees an angel, an' make money. I paint my sheep gray. She sail like ze win' ! You fill her up wiz brandee. I take her to Amerique. I slip past ze cruisers at night ve sell ze cargo at 'igh price. You pay me good freight, you make ze grand for- tune.' I listen, I zink. I say, ' Zat ees good.' I take ze ship. I fill her viz Cognac, an' I go 'long myself to manage ze trade. " We 'ave queeck voyage ; but ven ve vere vizeen sight of Ian' ze man aloft he say, ' A sheep ahead ! she 'ave red Hag.' I say, 'Diable! Jean Bool!' Ve run she run, too. Veil, to h'm! h'm! h'm! eet ees funny! I spik ze Anglish like nateef. Ze accent is pairfect, as you see, mats I forget at time ze vocable ze more simple vord. Ha ! ha ! ha ! I 'ave eem by ze tail now ! to cut zat is ect to cut ze long story short, ze sheep gobble us up. Ze Anglish capitaine put oflflcaire and saileur on board our 26 THE FRENCHMAN'S REVENGE. sheep ; but he take one cask of brandee, and he take me on board ze frigate. For he 'ear who I vas, an' he say, ' M. de Chabot, I 'ave ze plaisir of to know ze 'ead of your 'ouse ze Due he is exile in Londres. I am/ he say, ' of French descent meself, mai name is Dacres ; zis sheep, La Guerriere, vas French ; zerefore you are at 'ome. I will consider you non-combatant, make arrangement viz ze of- ficaires for mess I vill send you home on ze first shance. Your little venture vas misfortune. Vot vould you 'ave ? Breetannia, she rule ze vave ! Vait till we meet Yankee frigate you s'all see.' I zank him ver' moche he vos so polite mais I say to maiself, ' Zat ees ver' fine, Breetan- nia she rule ze vave she steal mai brandee ; but I veel 'ave mai revanche.'' " Ze nex' day ze capitaine invite me to dinner. I go. Ver' fine dinner, and ze vine vas fine too. Zen ze capitaine says, ' Gentlemen, I 'ave some ver' fine brandee, vich a frien' 'ave contribute for ze occasion.' He ask me, ' Ah, Monsieur Chabot, vot you zink of eem ?' Zen I pour out ze brandee. I look at him. I smell him. I taste him. By gar ! now vat you t'ink dat Shonny Bull capitaine he do to me ? Sacre ! he treat me viz my own lickare. Zen I turn to ze capitaine, I bow, I smile, I I say, ' He is ole fricn' I 'ave know him before.' Ze capitaine he smile I smile ; mais I say to myself, ' Ze robbaire 'ave take mai brandee, mais I vill 'ave mai revanche.' u Zen a meedsheepmau he come down an' say, ' A Yankee frigate in ze distance.' Ze capitaine say, ' Clap on sail, an' overhaul her.' Ze leetle meedsheepman say she come herself. ' So moche ze bettair,' say ze capitaine. ' Mon- sieur de Chabot, eef you come on ze deck, you s'all ze 'ow ve veep ze Yankee, for Breetannia rule ze vave !' I bow again, I go on deck, bote I say to maiself, ' Breetannia 'ave take mai brandee, boto I veel 'ave my revanche.' " Zen zero vas shooted off ze broadside tonerre ! boom ! bote ze Yankee he say nozzing. He sail up and down, THE FRENCHMAN'S REVENGE. 27 bote he fire no gun. I say, ' Vot poltroon is zis ?' Capi- taiue Dacres he say, ' Fire 'igh crippl' eem ! do not let eem run avay !' Ze Yankee sail up an' down, bote he fire no gun. I say, ' Capitaine Dacres, ze Yankee is coward.' 'Ah, Monsieur de Chabot,' dit M. le Capitaine, 'eet ees not his fault. Eet ees fatalite. Breetannia she rule ze vave.' I bow I smile ; mais I say to maiself, ' Breetannia she robe me of mai brandee, an' I veel yet 'ave revanche.' 1 u I have no soonaire say zat in mai own mind, zan ze whole side of ze Yankee frigate open in smoke an' flame pumra boom ! an' ze cannon-ball come like ze hail- storm, an' I say, ' Ze climate is too varm 'ere. I 'ave busi- ness down-stairs,' an' zen I like to broke my neck ovaire a man on ze stairs. I say, ' Vat ees zis f ' He say, ' I am ze pursaire.' I say, ' Vy are not you on deck viz ze ozzairs ?' He say, ' I am only civil officaire. I take care of ze money of ze sheep.' An' viz zat he shake. I 'elp eem up. He seem seek. I pity eem ver' moche. He 'ave a great lump hi ees pocket, an' I so fear he loss it, I put eet in mine. An' all ze vile zat dam Yankee, he kep' up ze noise of ze gun, an' zey fire on ze deck, mais zey all stop. I listen, 'ear no noise I go on ze deck. Horrible ! ze deck was covaire wiz dead an' wounded. 'Ere vas a man vizout arm ; zere one vizout leg ; 'ere one vizout head ; zere von vizout nozzing. Ze boson he say to me, ' Ve are struck, sir ! Ve are sink ! Get vat you can from below, queek we go on ze Yankee frigate.' I run down-stairs I try to rouze ze pursaire. He vas in heep. I stop a minute to look at ze bundle I 'ave took from his pocket. It was label, ' In his Britannique majesty's service frigate Guer- riere.' I open eem a little. It vas billets de banque notes on ze Bank of England for two hundred t'ousan' pound ! five million franc ! I say to maiself, ' Ow lucky zis falls hi ze ban's of an honest man. Breetannia she rule ze vave, she steal mai brandee, mais she pay for it, an' I 'ave mai revanclie.' 28 BETSEY mn> i HAFE BUST UB. " Veil, ve vent on board ze Constitution, M. le Capitaine Hull. Capitaine Hull vas ver' polite gentleman, indeed. Capitaine Dacres he offer ze sword. Capitaine Hull he say, ' Excuse me, sair, I 'ave not ze heart to deprive so brave an officaire of his sword. You keep him, eef you please.' An' he bow, and M. le Capitaiue Dacres he bow. Oh, zey vas so ver' polite. Ze nex' day Capitaine Hull he give diner to ze Anglish officaire, an' I vas invite. I go. It vos ver 7 fine diner. Ven ze vine voz on ze table, ze Yankee Capitaine propose a toast ' To ze brave man who defend hees flag till defense ees no longer possible !' An' zey all drink ; an' ze American officaire moche applaud. Zen Capitaine Dacres he propose a toast ' To ze brave man who is generous in success as he ees strong in fight.' An' zey all drink, an' ze Anglish officaire ver' mooche applaud. Zen Capitaine Hull say, ' Vill M. de Chabot favor us viz toast ?' an' I rise an' raise mai glass wiz ze politeness of gentleman an' Frenchman, an' I say, ' Breetannia rule ze vave !' An' I look aroun'. Sacre ! neizer ze Aruericain nor ze Anglish oflficaire applaud. Capitaine Dacres he look black, Capitaine Hull he look into his vine-glass. Mais ! it waz no matter. Ze vine vent down mai throat, az ze pursaire 'ave gone down in ze Guerriere. Breetannia ; ave pay me for ze brandee she stole, an' I 'ave mai grand revancJte." BETSEY UND I HAFE BUST UB. PABODY ON " BETSEY AND I ABE OUT" AS RECITED BY J. 8. BUBDETT. Draw oud der bapers, lawyer, TJnd magke dhem awful blain, So dot ve don'd kin have to spell dot out, TJnd wride dot offer again. TJnd shling dot ing oud awful dlrick, TJnd fill der baper ub ; 'Cause dhings at home vas inside owat, , TJnd Betsey und I hafe bust ub. Vat's der matter, dot's vot I don'd kin dell. BETSEY TJND I HAFE BUST UB. 29 Bfer since dot ve vas only vone Ve got 'long puddy veil. I gifo her eferydhing dot she vants, Und I dry to do vat's righdt; But of I vant to life mit dot olt Voman, I hafe got to learn how to fight. So I hafe chined mit Betsey, Und Betsey hafe chined mit me : Und ve hafe bode made ub our minds Dot vo kin neffer agree. She says dot I better imigrade, Veil, I dhink myselve dot's besd; So I back ub my Saratoga Und go mit der Mormons oud vest. Der first dhing I remember aboud Dot ve had a shtew, 'Twas, she vanted to go to a bicnic, Unt I didn't vant her to. Id vas vone off dhose brewery bicnics, Vhere I myselve had been pefore, Und vhere eferybody got so organized Dot dhey couldn't god drunk any more. Und der nexd dhing I remember aboud 'Twas ven she proke my lager stein Dot I had mit me for many years, Und brought from Oberlein Stein. I dolt Betsey dot she vas clumsy, Dot she did nod do vat vas righdt. So help me gracious, lawyer, she bead me Mit dot glub till I vas as plack as plue as vhito ! So draw oud der pabers, lawyer, Und magke dhem big und tall, Dot oud of eferydhing dot I hafe got She can'd hafe any ad all. For I hafe vorked for id hard myselve For mony und mony a year, Uud efery cent dat olt voman can freeze to She gone shpend for lager bier. Bud dhere vas dwo or dhree fife cend pieces Dot I managed to pud avay. 30 scmrarDEK SEES LEAH. Dot vas down in der Union Drusd Co., But I don'd pelieve dot'll bay. Pud on der bapers, lawyer, Dot oud of dhose fife or dhree, Eff she Mn got dhem I gif her half Dere ain'd noden mean aboud me. TJnd vonce ven I had der jim-jams She nefer vould gome to der bed, Und I vas seein' shnagkes und Mddencads, TTnd I didn't know vat I said ; Und vhenefer she'd gome to mofe me She'd handle me awful rough, Und vhenefer she'd gife me dot boregaric, Id vas alvays der wrong stuff. So draw oud der bapers, lawyer, Und I'll go straight avay, Und dell dot old voman off mine Shust yot dhose bapers say. Bud I don't gomblain of Betsey Of she'd only quiet down, For ven she got her mad ub She gould glean oud all der town. Und dhere is vone dhing more I can vish her, Is dot she keeb away from me ; Und of efer she got anudder husband, Dot he vas so shtrong like she Und if I Mn be his neighbor-in-law, Und hear der rows dot dhey kick ub, I'll invide him oud, und dell him how Dot Betsey und I hafe bust ub. SCHNEIDER SEES LEAH. A FAVOBITE DUTCH DIALECT RECITATION BT " UNCLE SCHNETDEB." I vant to dold you vat it is, dot's a putty nice play. De first dime dot you see Leah, she runs cross a pridge, mit some fellers chasin' her mit putty big shtics. Dey ketch her right hi de middle of der edge, und der leader, (dot's de villen) he sez of her, " Dot it's better ven she dies, und SCHNEIDER SEES LEAH. 31 dot he coodent allow it dot she can lif." Uud de Oder fel- lers hollers out, " So ve vill ;" " Gifoher some deth ;" " Kill her putty quick ;" " Shmack her of der jaw,", und such dings; und chust as dey vill kill her, de priest says of dem, " Dond you do dot, " und dey shtop dot putty quick. In der nexd seen, dot Leah meets Rudolph (dots her feller) in de voods. Before dot he comes in, she sits of de bottom of a cross, und she dond look pooty lifely, und she says, " Rudolph, Rudolph, how is dot, dot you dond come und see about me ? You didn't shpeak of me for tree days long. I vant to dold you vot it is, dot ain't some luf. I dond like dot." Veil, Rudolph he dond vas dere, so he coodent sed something. But ven he comes in, she dells of Mm dot she lufs him orful, und he says dot he guess he lufs her orful too, und vants to know vood she leef dot place, und go oud in some oder country mit him. Und she says, "I told you, I vill;" und he says, "Dot's all right," und he tells her he vill meet her soon, und dey vill go vay dogedder. Den he kisses her und goes oud, und she feels honkey dory bout dot. Veil, in der nexd seen, Rudolph's old man finds oud all about dot, und he don'd feel putty goot ; und he says of Rudolph, " Vood you leef me, und go mit dot gal ?" und Rudolph feels putty bad. He don'd know vot he shall do. Und der old man he says, " I dold you vot Fll do. De skoolmaster (dot's de villen) says dot she might dook some money to go vay. Now, Rudolph, my poy, I'll gif de skoolmaster sum money to gif do her, und if she don'd dook dot money, m let you marry dot gal." Ven Rudolph hears dis, he chumps mit joyness, und says, " Fader, fader, dot's all righd. Dot's pully. I baed you anydings she voodent dook dot money." Veil, de old man gif de skool- master de money, und dells him dot he shall offer dot of her. Veil, dot pluddy skoolmaster comes back und says dot Leah dook dot gold right avay ven she didn't do dot. Den de old man says, " Didn't I told you so ?" und Rudolph 32 SCHNEIDER SEES LEAH. gits so vild dot he svears dot she can't haf someding more to do mit him. So ven Leah vill meet him in de voods, he don'd vas dere, und she feels orful, und goes avay. Bime- by she comes up to Rudolph's house. She feels putty bad, und she knocks of de door. De old man comes oud, und says, " Got out of dot, you orful vooman. Don'd you come round after my boy again, else I put you hi de dooms." Und she says, "Chustlet me see Rudolph vonce, und I vill vander avay." So den Rudolph comes oud, uud she vants to rush of his arms, but dot pluddy fool voodent allow dot. He chucks her avay, und says, " Don'd you touch me, uf you please, you deceitfulness gal." I dold you vot it is, dot looks ruff for dot poor gal. Und she is extonished, und says, " Vot is dis aboud dot ?" Und Rudolph, orful mad, says, " Got oudsiedt, you ignomonous vooman." Und she feels so orful she coodent said a vord, und she goes oud. Afterwards, Rudolph gits married to anoder gal in a shurch. Veil, Leah, who is vandering eferyveres, happens to go in dot shurchyard to cry, chust at de same, dime of Rudolph's marriage, vich she don'd know someding aboud. Putty soon she hears de organ, und she says dere is some beeples gitten married, und dot it vill do her unhappiness goot if she sees dot. So she looks in de vinder, und ven she sees who dot is, my graciousness, don'd she holler, und shvears vengeance. Putty soon Rudolph chumps oud indo der shurchyard to got some air. He says he don't feel putty good. Putty soon dey see each oder, und dey had a orful dime. He says of her, "Leah, how is dot you been here!" Und she says mit big scornfulness, " God oud of dot, you beat. How is dot, you got cheek to talk of me afder dot viteh you hafe done ?" Den he says, " Veil, vot for you dook dot gold, you false-hearded leetle gal ?" und she says, " Vot gold is dot ? I didn't dook some gold." Und he says, " Don'd you dold a lie aboud dot !" She says slowfully, " I told you I didn't dook some gold. Vot gold SCHNEIDER SEES LEAH. 33 is dot?" Und den Rudolph tells her all aboud dot, und she says, " Dot is a orful lie. I didn't seen some gold ;" und she adds mit much sarkasmness, " Und you beliefed I dook dot gold. Dot's de vorst I efer heered. Now, on ac- cound of dot, I vill gif you a few gurses." Und den she svears mit orful voices dot Mister Kain's gurse should git on him, und dot he coodent never git any happiness efery- J vere, no matter vere he is. Den she valks off. Veil, den a long dime passes avay, und den you see Rudolph's farm. He has got a nice vife, und a putiful leetle child. Purty soon Leah comes in, being shased, as ushual, by fellers mit shticks. She looks like she didn't ead someding for two nionds. Rudolph's vife sends off dot mop, und Leah gits avay again. Den dot nice leedle child comes oud, und Leah comes back ; und ven she sees dot child, don'd she feel orful aboud dot, und she says mit affectfulness, " Come here, leedle child, I voodn'd harm you ;" und dot nice lee- dle child goes righd up, und Leah chumps on her, und grabs her in her arms, und gries, und kisses her. Oh ! my graciousness, don'd she gry aboud dot. You got to blow your noses righd avay. I vant to dold you vat it is, dot looks pully. Und den she says vile she gries, " Leedle childs, don'd you got some names ?" Und dot leedle child shpeaks oud so nice, pless her leedle hard, uud says, " Oh ! yes. My name dot's Leah, und my papa tells me dot I shall pray for you efery nighd." Oh ! my goodnessness, don'd Leah gry orful ven she hears dot. I dold you vat it is, dot's a shplaindid ding. Und quick comes dem tears in your eyes,| und you look up ad de vail, so dot nobody can'd see dot,' und you make oud you don'd care aboud it. But your eyes gits fulled up so quick dot you couldn'd keep dem in, und de tears comes down of your face like a shnow storm, und den you don'd care a tarn if efery body sees dot. Und Leah kisses her und gries like dot her heart's broke, und she dooks off dot gurse from Rudolph uud goes avay. De 34 "DOT rmrarr LEETLE BABY." child den dell her fader und muder aboud dot, und dey pring her back. Den dot mop comes back und vill kill her again, but she exposes dot skoolmaster, dot villain, und dot fixes him. Den she falls down in Kudolph's arms, und your eyes gits fulled up again, und you can'd see soineding more. I like to haf as many glasses of beer as dere is gryin' chust now. You couldn't help dot any vay. Und if I see a gal vot don'd gry in dot piece, I voodn't marry dot gal, efen if her fader owned a pig prewery. Und if I see a feller vot don'd gry, I voodn't dook a trink of lager bier mit him. Veil, aider de piece is oud, you feel so bad, und so goot, dot you must ead a few pieces of hot stuff do drife avay der plues. But I told you vat it is, dot's a pully piece, I baed you, don'd it ? "DOT FUNNY LEETLE BABY." DUTCH DIALECT RECITATION. Droo as I leve, most every day I laugh me vild to see de vay Dot shmall young baby dry to blay, Dot funny leetle baby. Ven I looke of dem leetle toes, Und see dot fanny leetle nose, Und hear de vay dot rooster crows, I shmile like I vas crazy. Und ven I hear de real nice vay Dem vomens to my vife dey say,- "More like his fader every day," I was so broud like plazes. Sometimes dere comes a leetle squall) Dot's ven de vindy vind vill crawl Eight und his leetle stomach shmall: Now dot's doo bad for de baby. Dot makes him sing at night so shweet, And gorry-barric ho must eat, SCHNITZERL'S PHILOSOPEDB. 35 Und I must shump shpry on my feet To help dot leetle baby. He pulls my nose, und kicks my hair, Und crawls me over everywhere, Und slobbers me ; but vat I care? Dot vas my shmall young baby. Around my neck dot leetle arm Vas sqveesdng me so nice und vann : Mine Gott, may never coom some harm To dot shmall leetle baby ! SCHNITZEHL'S PHILOSOPEDE. BY HANS BHEITMANN. Hans Schnitzerl made a philosopede, Tone of dot newest kind ; It didn't have no vheel before ; Und der vasn't none pehind. Aber dere vas vone in de middle, dhough, Dut's shust as sure as eggs ; Und he shtraddled across dot axel, Mit de vheel between his legs. Und vhen he vants to shtart it off, He paddled mit his feet, Und soon he made it gone so fast Dat eferytings he beat. He took it out on Broadway vonce, Uud shkeeted like de vind. Phew ! how he passed dot fancy schaps ! He leafed dem all pehind. Dem fellers on dose shtylish nags Pulled up to see him pass ; Und der Deutschere, all ockstonished, cried, " Potz tauzand ! Vas ist das ?" But faster shtill Herr Schnitzerl flew On, mit a ghastly schmilu ; 36 NOOZELL AND THE ORGAN-GRINDER. He didn't touch de ground, py Jinks, Not vonce in half a mile. So vas it mit Herr Schnitzerl Und his philosopede ; His feet both shlipped right inside out Vhen at its extra shpeed. He failed upon dot vheel, of course ; Dot vheel like blitzen flew ; TJnd Schnitzerl, he vas schnit in vact, Dot schliced him grad in two. NOOZELL AND THE ORG-AN-G-RINDER. HUMOROUS BEADING ITALIAN DIALECT. BY AH-MIE. Noozell was alone in his glory. His wife and family had gone out for a walk. He sat on his front-door step, medita- tively surveying the clouds, when a native of sunny Italy stopped at his gate and insinuatingly asked, " Moosic ?" "No, sir-ee I" promptly answered Noozell, who is not at all partial to music. But the Italian didn't leave. He looked intently at Noo- zell's face for some moments. Then he opened the gate, and with tears in his eyes, staggered up to Noozell, who had risen in alarm, and passionately embraced him. " It ees it ees," he- hysterically exclaimed, and then, completely overcome with his emotions, hung limp and lifeless upon the astonished Noozell. " Dear me ! this is awful !" groaned Noozell, borne down with the weight of a healthy Italian and a fifty-pound organ. The Italian soon recovered and disengaged himself. But only for a moment. With a few inarticulate expressions in his native tongue, he embraced Noozell with renewed vigor, and almost smothered that harmless and peaceable citizen in the ardor of the act. NOOZELL AND THE ORGAN-GRINDER. 37 After repeating this several times he retired a few feet and looked admiringly at Noozell ; while that ruffled indi- vidual sat down on the steps and manfully endeavored to regain his lost breath. After accomplishing this laudable undertaking sufficiently to look around, he found that several of his neighbors w^re enjoying the scene from their respective front-door steps. This aroused the lion in NoozelPs bosom. He got up, and raising himself to his greatest height, thundered : " You villain ! you rascal ! you thief ! what does this mean?" The tears again started from the Italian's eyes as he re- proachfully said : " Zis from ze man who safe ze life of my two sous, who is now both artists on ze hand-organ ! Zis from ze man who pay ze doctor ven zay was sick ! It ees too mooch !" And the stalwart Italian leaned against the fence and wept. " My friend," said Noozell, who is a soft-hearted man, and who, on seeing the Italian's emotion, heartily regretted his harsh words, " you are mistaken. I am not the man." " Not ze man ?" repeated the Itah'an. " Oh yes you is ! I know him. Zere is zot gumbile on your pretty face. Zat grooked nose. Zem big ears. Zem nice red hair. Oh no ! I no can be mistake !" Noozell sat down, perfectly speechless and stared blankly at the small but select audience of bootblacks who were en- joying the scene from the sidewalk. " I am grateful," continued the Italian. " Gold and sil- ver I hafo not ; but what I hafe shall be yours. I play you a tune." And he did ; notwithstanding the fact that Noozell, in the most elegant pigeon-English, and the most frantic demonstrations a despairing mortal is capable of making, tried to make him understand that he was opposed to the motion. He ground out that popular air, " The Marsellaise," a 38 NOOZELL AND THE OEGAN-GEINDEE. tune that Noozell detests above all other tunes. So he spasmodically reached for his hair, and gazed around with a gloomy look on his face that furnished the highest possible enjoyment for the appreciative audience of boot- blacks. " Ze nices moosic he can be," remarked the smiling mu- sician. Noozell didn't think so. "When the Italian at length stopped to change the tune he pulled out a greenback and offered it to the Italian, saying : " Enough now go." But the Italian waved his hand hi a hurt manner. ' ' Noth- ing. I am grateful," he simply said, and began grinding out more melody. Noozell settled himself to his fate and quietly sat there for half an hour while the pleased Italian turned the crank with unremitting energy. At the end of that tune he got up and earnestly requested the enthusiastic Italian to stop. But that individual was too grateful to comply. Then Noozell swung his arms around his head and jumped up and down the steps, and in despair called the Italian, the bootblacks, his neighbors, and everybody else who was looking on, " Bloated bond-holders !" The Italian evidently mistook this for a token of approval and delightedly murmured, " Nices moosic he can be !" Then Noozell, in his despair, unconsciously executed a neat double-shuffle, which the audience on the sidewalk vigorously applauded, to the intense delight of the Italian, who rapturously repeated, " Nices moosic he can be !" and turned the crank with ever-increasing speed. At last Noozell, completely worn out with his efforts to induce the organist to leave, entered the house. His was a desperate resolve. He got down from the garret a thing that every well-regulated family inherits from a grandfather an old gun. This he loaded with bird-shot, cocked it, "DER DOG TIM) DEE LOBSTER." 39 sprang nimbly to the open door with it, aimed at the Ital- ian, who was still playing, and fired. A moment later there was music in the air music a thousand times more terrible to NoozelTs ears than the most unearthly air ever ground out of any organ hi existence its component parts were the screams of his wife, the cries of his children, the shrieks of the lately smiling bootblacks, mingled with the shouts of the excited bystanders. For when the blood-thirsty Noozell shot at the musician, the former's wife was just entering the gate, and in a moment would have been directly hi front of the Italian, and out of danger. But as fate would have it, she was completely out of range of the Revolutionary relic, and, as a matter of course, received the full charge of bird-shot on her breast ; but, luckily, she had on her new, fashionable buckle, so the shot glanced off and distributed itself impartially among the nearest bystanders. Then to add to the confusion, two policemen marched Noozell off to the station-house to answer to the charge of shooting, with intent to kill. He was discharged, however, for want of evidence, for the Italian wisely staid away, and so escaped being scalped, a thing that Noozell expressed him- self anxious to do. So, to quote a popular saying, there was " nobody hurt" "DEB DOG- TJND DEB LOBSTEB." FBOM THE NEW TOBK CLtPPEB. BY SAUL SEBTBKW. Dot dog he vas dot kind of dog Vot ketch dot ret BO sly, TJnd squeeze him mit his leetle teeth, Und den dot ret vas die. Dot dog he vas onquisitive Vareffer he vas go, TJnd, like dot vooman, all der time Someding he vants to know. 40 "DEE DOG mm DEE LOBSTEE." Tone day, all by dot markot-staud Tare fish und clams dey sell, Dot dog vas poke his nose aboud Und find out vat he smell. Dot lobster he vas took dot snooze Mit von eye open vide, Und ven dot dog vas come along Dot lobster he vas spied. Dot dog he smell him mit his nose, Und scratch him mit his paws, Und push dot lobster all aboud, Und vender vot he vas. Und den dot lobster he voke up, Und crawl yoost like dot snail, Und make vide open ov his claws Und grab dot doggie's tail. Und den so quick as never vas Dot cry vent to der sky, Und, like dem swallows vot dey sing, Dot dog vas homeward fly. Tooet like dot dunderbolt he vent Der sight vas awful grand, Und every street dot dog vas turn Down vent dot apple-stand. Der shildren cry, der vimmin scream, Der mens fall on der ground, Und dot bqliceman mit his club Yas novare to pe found. I make dot run und call dot dog, Und vistle awful kind ; Dot makes no difference vot I say, Dot dog don't look pehind. Und pooty soon dot race vas end, Dot dog vas lost his tail Dot lobster I vas took him home, Und cook him in dot pail. THE FRENCHMAN AND JOHN BULL. 41 Dot moral vas, I tolo you 'bond, Pefore vas neffer known Don't vant to find ont too much dings Dot vasn't ov your own ! HOW A FRENCHMAN ENTERTAINED JOHN BULL. A HtJMOBOUS FRENCH 8TOBT. In years bygone, before the famous Rockaway Pavilion was built, the Half- Way House, at Jamaica, Long Island, used to be filled with travelers to the sea-shore, who put up there, and visited the beach, either in then* own or in hired vehicles, during the day. One warm summer even- ing, when the house was unusually crowded, an English- man rode up in a gig, and asked for accommodation for the night. The landlord replied that all his rooms were taken, and all his beds, except one, which was in a suite of rooms occupied by a French gentleman. "If you and Monsieur can agree to room together," said the landlord, " there is an excellent vacant bed there." The traveler replied, "No, I cannot sleep hi the same room with any d Frenchman," and off he rode with all the grum looks of a real John Bull. In about half an hour, however, ho came back, saying that, as he could find no other lodgings, he believed he would have to accept the Frenchman as a room-mate. Meantime his first ill-natured remark had somehow reached the French gentleman's ears, and ho resolved to pay off Johnny hi his own coin. On being shown to the apartment, the Englishman stalked in, in his accustomed haughty manner, while the Frenchman, as is usual with his nation, rose and received him with smiles and bows in short, he was more precisely polite than usual sarcastically so, a keen observer would have thought. Not a word passed between the two, but 42 THE FEENCHMAN AND JOHN BULL. soon the Englishman gave a pull at the bell- cord. The Frenchman quietly rose from his seat and gave the string two pulls. On the appearance of the waiter, Bull said : "Waiter, I want supper: order me a beefsteak, and a cup of tea." The Frenchman instantly said : " Vataire, ordaire two cup tea, and two bifsteak ; I vant two suppaire !" Bull started and looked grum, but said nothing. The Frenchman elevated his eyebrows and took a huge pinch of snuff. "When supper was ready, the two sat down and ate for a while in silence, when the Englishman said : " Waiter, bring me a bottle of Burgundy." The waiter started on his errand, but before reaching the door, the Frenchman called to him: "Vataire, come back here ! you bring me two bottle Burgundy." Bull knit his brows: Monsieur elevated his, shrugged his shoulders, and took another pinch of snuff. The wine was brought, and, while quaffing it, the Englishman said : " Waiter, bring me an apple tart, and a what d'ye call it, there a Charlotte-de-Russe." Monsieur then called to the waiter : " Bring me two of de apple tart, and two vat de diable you call him Sh-Sh Sharlie-de-Ross." Bull's patience was now exhausted, and before the last order could be executed, he started from Ms seat and rung the bell. The Frenchman went to the string and gave it two violent pulls. The waiter (who was almost convulsed with laughter) came hurrying back, when Bull roared out : "Waiter, never mind the Charlotte-de-Russe; bring me up a bootjack and a pah' of slippers." The Frenchman responded "Vataire, you no mind to bring two of de Sharlie-de-Ross, but you bring two slip- paire, and two shack-boot." Before there was time to bring these articles, Bull had thoroughly lost his temper, and when the waiter appeared with them, he thundered out : SCHLOSSER'S REDE. 43 " Waiter, bring me a candle ; and if you have no room in the house with a bed in it, besides this, show me a set- tee, or a lounge, or a couple of chairs, or, in short, any place where I can rest in peace by myself." Monsieur instantly called out : " Stop, vataire : you sail bring me two candle, and if you have no room vith two bed in him, you sail bring me two lounge, two settee, and two chair ! by gar, I vill rest in two pieces !" Bull could stand it no longer. He kicked the bootjack out of the way and made a rush for the door, banged his head in an attempt to open it, ran against the waiter at the head of the stairs, when both tumbled to the bottom, darted into the bar-room, paid his bill, and ordered up his horse and gig, swearing he would never sleep hi the house with a mad Frenchman. " Ah, ha !" exclaimed Monsieur, after Bull's departure, " he no like von d Frenchman, and I give him razion to no like him. Morbleu ! I sail get some sleeps to myself. C'est fait !" and he went quietly to bed. SCHLOSSER'S BIDE. A PABODY OH " SHEBIDAN'S HIDE. " Eighd from der front one putiful day, Bringin' der rear some fresh dismay, A frightened sendinel broughd der news (He looked as if he vas scared like der doose, Der vay he kigged his legs so loose), Belling der rebels were coming aheadt, Und shooding like hell," dot's vat he said. De gallant soldiers, I haf no doubd, Ad dis schweed news mid joy should shoiul, Bud as der news vas spread aboud, Do dell der druth, dey looked down in der moud; Exbecially von boor Dudchman dere, Who, when he heard der guns in der air, Almost did durii himself gray hair. 44 SCHLOSSER'S RIDE. Pore Schlosser didn't like id ad all, Do gid himself gud mid a cannon-ball. Und dalk as you may, dot Dutchman vas righd- In a baddle it's petter do bin oud of sight ; Do been shod und exploded dot ain't much fun, So long as you hafe any chance for do run. Und as dose shells did bust around, Und knocked der soldiers on der ground, Exbloding mid a gentle sound, Dot Schlosser quick made ub his mind, De first goot horse dot he should find, He'd ride avay as quick as der vind, Und leaf dot baddle far behint. Und soon he finds him a schblendid horse, Und chumbs on him midoud some pause ; Den shburs his side mid his big heel, Und gallobs from der baddle-field. Dere is a road righd near dot schbod, A first-rate road for a horse do drod, Und dere dot frightened Schlosser rides, Und kigs der poor horse in der sides, Und shcreams so much at him besides ; Der drees, der road, dey bass like a schod, Fadigue and exbosure dot cubble feel nod, Dey vish do get only avay from dot schbod. Doo-forty dot horse he goes flyin' away ; Der hills rise and fall, und Schlosser is gay, 'Cause he is more as fife miles avay. Shdill der hoofs of dot old nag For efen a minute did never lag ; He strained him efery shdrengtd he got, Und Schlosser, as he on him sod, Vas heard to laugh in a cholly vay, 'Cause now he vas den miles avay. Und shdill old Schlosser pushed Mm aheadt, " I feel quite bedder now," he said, Und his face god back ids natural red ; But nod a minute did he stay, Und soon he was dwenty miles avay. "HEZ'' AND THE LANDLORD. 45 So goot dot horse his duty done, Dot pcfore de setting of dor sun, He carried his rider that son of a gun Away from der sount of any gun. Und ven dot baddle was at ids dop, Und de swords mit awful noise did pop, Und de ground mit heldy blood did sop, Dot Schlosser as he rode along, He singed himself a funny song. He vasn'd dinkin' 'boud der fray He vas more as a hundred miles avay, Dree cheers ! dree cheers ! for Schlosser, bold. Four cheers ! four cheers I for dot horse so old. " HEZ " AND THE LANDLORD. HTTMOBOXJS TANKEK BECITATIOK. In a quiet little Ohio village, many years ago, was a tav- ern where the stages always changed, and the passengers expected to get breakfast. The landlord of the said hotel was noted for his tricks upon travelers, who were allowed to get fairly seated at the table, when the driver would blow his horn (after taking his "horn,") and shag out, "Stage ready, gentlemen!" whereupon the passengers were obliged to hurry out to take their seats, leaving a scarcely- tasted breakfast behind them, for which, however, they had to fork over fifty cents. One day, when the stage was approaching the house of this obliging landlord, a passenger said that he had often heard of the landlord's trick, and he was afraid they would not be able to eat any breakfast. " What ! how ? No breakfast !" exclaimed the rest. " Exactly so, gents, and you may as well keep your seats and tin." " Don't they expect passengers to breakfast f " " Oh, yes ! they expect you to it, but not to eat it. I am 46 "HEZ" AND THE LANDLORD. under the impression that there is an understanding be- tween the landlord and the driver, that for sundry and various drinks, etc., the latter starts before you can scarcely commence eating." " What on earth air you all talking about ? Ef you calke- late I'm goin' to pay four-and-ninepence for my breakfast, and not get the valee on't, yo're mistakin," said a voice from aback seat, the owner of which was one Hezekiah Spaulding though " tew hum " they call him " Hez " for short. " I'm goin' to get my breakfast here, and not pay nary red cent till I do." " Then yonOl be left.'' " Not as you knows on, I won't." " Well, we'll see," said the other, as the stage drove up to the door, and the landlord, ready " to do the hospitable," says: " Breakfast just ready, gents ! Take a wash, gents ? Here's water, basins, towels and soap." After performing the ablutions, they all proceeded to the dining-room, and commenced a fierce onslaught upon the edibles, though Hez took his tune. Scarcely had they tasted their coffee, when they heard the unwelcome sound of the horn, and the driver exclaim : " Stage ready !" Up rise eight grumbling passengers, pay their fifty cents, and take their seats. " All on board, gents ?" inquired the host. " One missing," said they. Proceeding to the dining-room, the host finds Hez very coolly helping himself to an immense piece of steak, the size of a horse's hip. " You'll be left, sir ! Stage going to start !" " Well, I hain't nothing to say agin it," drawled out Hez. " Can't wait, sir better take your seat." " I'll be gall-darned ef I dew, nother, till I've got my breakfast ! I paid for it, and I'm goin' to get the valee on't ; and ef you calkelate I hain't, you are mistakin." " HEZ" AND THE LANDLORD. 47 So the stage did start, and left Hez, who continued his attack upon the edibles. Biscuits, coffee, etc., disappeared before the eyes of the astonished landlord. " Say, squire, them there cakes is 'bout eat fetch on an- other grist on 'em. You" (to the waiter,) " 'nother cup of that ere coffee. Pass them eggs. Raise your own pork, squire ? This is 'mazin' nice ham. Land 'bout here tolera- ble cheap, squire ? Hain't much maple timber in these parts, hev ye ? Dew right smart trade, squire, I calkelate ?" And thus Hez kept quizzing the landlord until he had made a hearty meal. " Say, squire, now Fm 'bout to conclude paying my devowers to this ere table, but jest give us a bowl of bread and milk to top off with, and I'd be much obleeged tew ye." So out go the landlord and waiter for the bowl, milk and bread, and set them before him. " Spoon, tew, ef you please." But no spoon could be found. Landlord was sure he had plenty of silver ones lying on the table when the stage stopped. " Say, dew ye ? dew ye think them passengers is goin' to pay ye for breakfuss and not get no compensashun ?" " Ah, what ? Do you think any of the passengers took them I" " Dew I think t No, I don't think, but I'm sartin. Ef they ah* all as green as yew 'bout here, I'm goin' to locate immediately, and tew wonst." The landlord rushes out to the stable, and starts a man off after the stage, which had gone about three miles. The man overtakes the stage, and says something to the driver hi a low tone. He immediately turns back, and on arriving at the hotel, Hez comes out, takes his seat, and says: " How air yew, gents? I'm rotted glad to see yew." " Can you point out the man you think has the spoons ?" asked the landlord. 48 MINE KATRINE. " Pint him out I Sartinly I ken. Say, squire, I paid yew four-and-ninepence for a breakfuss, and I calkelate I got tlie vake on't ! YouTI find them spoons in the coffee- pot. " Go aliead ! All aboard, driver." The landlord stared. MINE KATRINE. BY CHARLKS F. ADAMS. You vouldn't dink mine /raw If you shust look at her now, There der wrinkles on her prow Long haf been Vas (leTfraulein hlump und fair, Mit der vafy flaxen hair, Who did vonce mine heart enshnare Mine Katrine. Der dime seems shord to me Since we game acrosd der sea, To der goundry off der free Ve'd nefer seen ; But ve hear de beople say Dhere vas vork und blendy bay, So I shtarted right avay Mit Katrine. Oh, der shoy dot filled mine house Vhen dot goot oldt Tocter Krauss Brought us " Leedle Yawcob Strauss," Shveet und clean ; Yy, I don't pelief mine eyes, Yhen I look now, mit surprise, On dot feller, shust der size Off Katrine. Den " dot leedle babe off mine, " He vas grown so tall und fine Shust so sdrait as any pine You efer seen ; SQUIRE BILLINGS' PICKEREL. 49 Und der beoples all agree Sooch fine poys de7 nefer see (Dey looks mooch more like me As Katrine.) Yell, ve baf our criefs und shoys, Und dhero's naught our lofe destroys, Bud I miss dose leetle poys Dot used to been ; Und der tears vill somedime sdart, Und I feels so sick at heart, Vhen I dinks I soon must part From Katrine. Old Time vill soon pe here, Mit his sickle und his shpear, Und vill vhisper in mine ear Mit sober mien : ' You musd coom along mit me, For it vas der Lord's decree ; Und von day dose poys you'll see, Und Katrine. " SQUIRE BILLINGS' PICKEREL. A HUMOROUS RECITATION. " They a'n't no use o' talkin'," said Uncle Jerry Green- ing, " fur a pick'rel is just the teenaishussest and voraish- ussest fish they is." A party of fishermen were camped on the Rattlesnake Creek, near the celebrated Greening farm, in the best trout-fishing section of the Shohola region, hi Pike County, Pa. The question of the voracity and tenacity of fish was being discussed over pipe and bowl, after a day's tramp of many miles. Old Uncle Jerry was present. The catfish, the eel, the black bass, the trout and pickerel each had its champion, and illustrative stories that must have made the bones of Munchausen turn and rattle in their grave were related to prove the superiority of each in the two 50 SQUIRE BILLINGS' PICKEREL. attributes mentioned. Uncle Jerry had taken but little part in the discussion, and the weight of argument seemed to be in favor of the catfish. Then the old fisherman came to the aid of the pickerel. " A full-growed pick'rel, if 't's healthy," said Jerry, "11 eat it's childurn and it's childurn's childurn to the tenth gineration ; 'n I'm durned 'f I a'n't seed one 't have got holt 'n his own tail somehow, 'n was tryin' his pootiest to git away with hisself. I take 't that a fish that hez sich a appetite 's that 'orter be put down 'mong them as hez 't least a inklin' of voraishusness. Is a pick'rel tenaishus ? Wall, mebbe I don't know zactly what teenaishus is ; but I've cotched pick'rel through the ice, throwed 'em out and seed 'em flop round till they froze stiff; kep 'em two 'r three days, then carried 'em twenty mile to git home, 'n chucked 'em on the kitchen floor till I k'd git ready to clean 'em. I've seed these same fish lay thar by the stove, 'bout five minutes, 'n then begin to gap and work their gills, 'n pooty soon go to floppin' and skippin' round the room, with their jaws open like a young alligator, 'n wouldn't be still till I hit 'em in th' head wi' an axe. Mebbe Dan'l Webster's dictionary don't call that teenaishus, but 'f 'ta'n't 't's pooty durn nigh on to it, a'n't it, boys ?" The boys could scarcely help allowing that there was at least a suspicion of tenacity about a pickerel guilty of such conduct. " Guess I never tole you *bout ole Squire Billins' pick- 'rel that he had onst, did I ? Wall, boys, thar was a fish. Mebbe you won't believe this story, but it's true 's preachin', 'n 'f you ever see the ole squire he'll tell you same thing. He kep' the pick'rel in a spring in a pastur' on his farm. It wa'n't more 'n a foot'n a half long, the pick'rel wa'n't, but he were 's commojus as a ten-acre lot. Durned 'f I ha'nt gone t' that spring with a twelve-quart pail full o' liver, and after feedin' it all to ole Teetotaller they called him Teetotaller, 'cause he never got full he'd SQUIRE BILLINGS' PICKEREL. 51 snap his jaws and tear 'round in that spring till she b'iled, 'cause there wa'nt any more liver comin' to him. The cows 't fed in th' lot got so they was 'fraid to go up an' drink in the spring 'cause Teetotaller chawed their noses. He'd tackle anything. Ole squire lef ' a subsile plough layin' near th' spring one night, and nex' mornin' 'twere gone. They allus blamed a feller 't lived over that way wi' stealin' it, but I teh 1 you he's innercent. That dura pick'rel eat that plough ! " Wall, anyhow, the squire bought a new cow one day, an' turned 'er hi the spring lot ; I were thar, an' me an' the ole man war leanin' on the fence lookin' at th' new cow. She fed round a while, an' then walks over t' th' spring to drink. She drunk, and turns round and stands still, a swishin' an' swoshin' her tail in the spring. She were a nice fat critter, an' ole Teetotaller liked the looks of 'er, an' made up his mind to eat 'er up. So he waltzes over to that side o 7 the spring, an' when the cow's tail came down inter it ag'in, he closes on it like b'ar trap. Did that cow beller ? Some, I think. An' then she guv one jump an' ole Teetotaller come out'n that spring 's 'f he had been fired out'n a cannon. An' roun' that lot they went, the cow a bellerin' an' humpin' her back, an' lookin' 's if the worthlessness of this h'yer mundane spear hed never struck 'er so forc'ble afore, while Teetotaller were a takin' up the slack in 'er tail about a foot at every jump. They hedn't made more'n one circuit o' the lot afore the pick'rel had put hisself outside o' all that cow's tail, but in rnakin' a grab fur 'er rump, he missed his holt and come t' th' ground kerflummix. " ' By the horned spoon !' said the ole squire, ' that set- tles Teetotaller !' " We runned over 't whar he fell, 'spectin', o' course, t' fin' him deader'n a June shad. But, boys you may ask the squire, 'n he'll tell you the same thing if that dura fish wa'n't a raisin' up and tryin' to see which way that cow 52 MAUD MTTLLEB. had gone, an a spittin' out cow's hair enough to mix a hod o' plaster, I hope I'll never see the back o' my neck ! One o' Teetotaller's eyes were out, and there were a hand- ful 'r two o' meat scooped out'n his back ; but we carried him t' th' spring an' put him in, an' 'twere all we k'd do to keep him from jumpin' out 'n goin' cross-lots arter that cow, he were so durn mad an dis'p'inted. He got quieted down in time, but that cow never went within ten rod o' the spring after that. The pick'rel, I'm tellin' you, is a durn teenaishus and voraishus insec'." And no one offered to dispute the superiority of Uncle Jerry's favorite. "But, Uncle Jerry," said one of us, "what ever became of TeetotaUer ? Is he living yet V 11 No, boys, he a'n't. His voraishusness were too many fur his teenaishusness. Th' ole squire got t' thinkin' a couple year ago that the durn fish were costin' a good deal to keep, so he cut down his rations to eight quarts o' thick milk and ten poun's o' liver a day. You'd nat'rally s'pose that were 'nuff for any fish. Now, a catfish'd live to be a thousan' year ole on that fodder. But Teetotaller's con- stitution required a considerable nourishment, an' one mornin' 'bout three months arter the reduced rations com- menced they found him floatin' in the spring wi' his belly turned t' th' sun. He were deader'n a snared pheasant. The ole squire sed he'd been pizened. There wa'n't no more pizen 'bout him th'n they is 'bout a garter snake. He were starved to death, boys, he were, certain !" MAUD MULLER. DUTCH DIALECT. Maud Muller, von summer afternoon Yas (lending bar in her fadder's saloon. She solt dot bier, und singed " Shoo Fly," TJnd vinked at der men mit her lefd eye. MAUD MTJLLER. 53 Bat ven she looked oud on der shdreed, Und saw dcm gals all dressed so shweed, Her song gifed out on a ubbcr note, Cause she had such a hoss in her troat ; Und she vished she had shdainps to shpend, So she might git such a Grecian Bend. Hans Brinker valked shlowly down der shdreed, Shmilin' at all der gals he'd meed ; Old Hans vas rich as I been dold, Had houses und lots, und a barrel of gold. He shdopped py der door, und pooty soon He vulked righd iudo dot bier saloon. TJnd he vinked at Maud, und said, " My Dear, Gif me, of you pblease, a glass of bier." She vend to der pblace vere der bier keg shtood, TJnd pringed him a glass dot vas fresh und goot. "Dot's goot," said Hans, "dot's a better drink As effer I had in mine life, I dink." Ho dalked for a vhile, den said ; " Goot day," Und up der shdreet he dook his vay. Maud hofed a sigh, and said, " Oh, how I'de like to been dot olt man's frow, Such shplendid close I den vood vear, Dot all the gals around vood ehdare. In dot Central Park I'd drive all tay, Und efory evenin' go to der blay. Hans Brinker, doo, felt almighty gweer, (But dot mite peen von trinkin' beer.) Und he says to himself, as he valked along, Hummin' der dune of a olt lofe song, " Dot's der finest gal I efer did see, , Und I vish dot she my wife cood be." But here his solillogwy came to an end, As he dinked of der gold dot she might shbend ; Und he maked up his mind dot as for him, He'd marry a gal mit lots of " din." So he vent righd off dot fery day, Und married a vooman olt und gray. He vishes now, but all in vain, Dot he vas free to marry again ; 54 MR. ROGERS AND MONSIEUR DENISE. Free as he vas dot afdemoon, Ven he med Maud Muller in der bier saloon. Maud married a man "without some " soap " He vas lazy doo but she did hope Dot he'd get bedder when shildren came ; But vhen dey had, he vas yoost der same. Und ofden now dem dears vill come, As she sits alone ven her day's vork's done, TJnd dinks of der day Hans called her "my dear," Und asked her for a glass of bier; But she don'd comblain, nor efer has, Und oney says, " Dot coodn't vas." MB. KOG-EBS AND MONSIEUR DENISE. A CELEBRATED COMIC BECITATION. At Abbeville I resolved to pass the night ; on entering the public room I perceived two persons at the farther end quarreling. These were Mr. Rogers, a countryman of my own, in a sickly state of health, who was traveling to Calais by easy stages, and was advised by his physicians by all means to avoid quarrels and causes of irritation and annoy- ance ; the other was Mons. Denise, who, out of pure friend- ship, had accompanied him all the way from Paris, and was to return the next day to deliver a course of lectures on England and its Language. They had a sincere regard for each other, and the only cause for disagreement be- tween them was Mr. Rogers' entire disregard of the French language. Denise, whose ideas of the delicacies of the French pronunciation led him continually to correct the errors of his friend; and as he was continually at it, it had become a regular system ; Mr. Rogers, from his bad state of health, was so little able to bear an irritation of temper, or, as we say, a wearing of the spirits, that it had come to an open rupture ; and as I entered the room they were just on the point of reconciliation, after a suitable concession on the part of Mons. Denise. A mutual friend had just MR. ROGERS AND MONSIEUR DENISE. 55 brought about a reconciliation, but it was on an under- standing that Mons. Denise should not once more interrupt his friend, Rogers had given him his hand, and was addressing him thus : " There ! it's all over now don't be at it any more never mind what does it matter now whether I say u, or eu f How can you do so ? why do you perpetually tor- ment me with u and e-set" "Mais, Monsieur Eogere, my dear fren, Mons. Rogere, voulez vous avoir la delicatesse de parler comme il faut dites eus, pas use, la delicatesse." " Delicate fiddlestick ! now, how can you expect me to go about all day twisting my mouth up as if I was blowing in a fife f You'll be the death of me with your infernal ouse and ees. Now do you drop the subject ! or I will go out of the room." The conversation continued about an hour, during which time Mr. Rogers barbarously murdered several French words. Denise sat riding on his chair, with most heroic fortitude, suppressing his critical propensities ; at last, Mr. Rogers had occasion to mention a person who was well known, which he pronounced bane cano ; at which Denise, rising from his chair : " Oh, sacre ! I bear great deal but dat is too much. O ! my dear fren, Mons. Rogere, I promise not to correct you any more you say cano. Ah, voulez vous, you should say Uen connue euf, e-u-f. Monsieur Rogere, dat is forty- eight mistakes you make since you leave Paris." "Devil take it! there, you are at it again! you are determined to be the death of me and if you come to that you shouldn't call me Eogere, when my name is Rogers." Denise drew a paper from his pocket, and began to emynerate and expatiate on the enormity of the other forty-seven. Rogers, gaining strength from despair, seized a candlestick in one hand, and his friend's hand in the 56 ME. ROGERS AND MONSIEUR DENISE. other, saying : " Ay, I see you are bent upon killing m^ good-night, I am going to bed ; you'll be on your journey back to Paris in the morning before I rise good-by ; we shall not see each other a long tune again perhaps never. Let's part good friends good-night !" "Ah, Monsieur Rogers, jmy dear friend, bon voyage, Monsieur ; adieu, Monsieur Bogere." " ADITJ DENTS!" replied Rogers, and immediately left the room. Denise, at this pronunciation, walked back- wards and forwards, groaning most piteously. After supper, on inquiring for a bed, I was informed the only one to spare was in a double-bedded room, occupied by my countryman, Rogers. There was no alternative, and I was obliged to accept it. About three in the morning I was awakened by a tremendous knocking at the door. " Who is there ?" " Pardonnez moi, Messieurs ! Ah, ah, Monsieur Bogere .'" (Knocking.) " Who's there ? What do you want ?" " It is not you I want, sare, go to your sleep. Go to your sleep, sare, it is my friend Monsieur Bogere I want. Where de devil shall I find him ? it as as dark as de pitch." (Stitt Mocking.) u Your friend, Mr. Rogers, is in this room ; shall I wake him?" " No, sare, do not give yourself de trouble to wake, I shall wake him myself. (Still knocking.} Go to your sleep : I have wake seven gentlemen this night, not one of which shall be him." At which Rogers got out of bed and opened the door, saying, "Holloa ! what's the matter ? who's there V u Ah, Monsieur Bogere /" "What, it's you, Denis, is it? what the devil can you want at this time of night ? ay, you eternal torment, you wet blanket, you croaking raven." " Ah ! Monsieur Bogere, my dear friend, last night you BIN DEUTSCHES LIED. 57 say to me, Adiu Denis ! Voulez-vous should say, Adi-e-u Dcniso ? i-s-e, a-d-i-e-u D-e-n-i-s-e !" " Oh, the devil ! what, are you at it again ? Am I to be deprived of my natural rest for your infernal o-u-s-e and e-s-e V " Ah, Monsieur Rogere, my dear friend, I promise not to correct you any more ; but I could not get a wink of my sleep for fear you should forget this is the forty -ninth mis- take you make since you left Paris. Adieu, Monsieur Kogere, adieu, my dear friend ; bon voyage." Poor Denise having eased his mind of the burden that had oppressed him during the early part of the night, now took his leave, and in the morning I followed his example. EIN DEUTSCHES LIED. APABODY ON " EXCEL8IOB." DUTCH DIALECT. The schades of night vas falling down, Offer der roofs in dis 'ere town, Yen up der schtreet vas valking slow A Deitscher gal vich I did know, Yon Germany. I saw her, und, mit a pooty quick step, I got me right avay und zoon ve met, Und durning round she said to me, " Yas ! Crouple John in dis gountry T My koodness." Ye valked along und mit much joy, She cried out " there's the very poy Yat I vaited pooty long to see ; Youst one minute," she said to me, " Exkooze me." Of gourse I don't vos can refuse, Und didn't vos got nudder vay to choose ; So rite avay quick she makes a bow, Und left me standing dhere somehow, I don't can told you. 58 HANS AND FRITZ. 'Dwas der longest minute I ever seed, Pefore nor pehint so longer's I leifed ; I strained mine eyes mit all mine might, Und saw her almost out of sight Mit der veller. Dunder und blrxen ! vasn't I mad ; Of I hat dat veller I bounch his 'ead; So quick as I geteh 'im, I dolt you so, I maker his eye so placker ash plue. I dolt you dot ! I dolt you yoosh vat I shall do, I drowns myself, und so vould you ; I make me rite avay to de river, bolt, But I dinks me youst now der vater's too colt. I vaits till zommer. But exberience und visdom must alvays be pought. It vas yoost so goot Deitch gals ash effer vos kot ; TJnd I von't drown myself for Katherine yet, Pekause I finds me der vater's too vet, Yot a beebles vot a gountry. HANS AND FRITZ. BY C. F. ADAMS. Hans and Fritz were two Deutschers T^ho lived side by side, Remote from the world, its deceit and its pride ; With their pretzels and beer the spare moments were spent, And the fruits of their labor were peace and content. Hans purchased a horse of a neighbor one day, And, lacking a part of the geld as they say Made a call upon Fritz to solicit a loan To help him to pay for his beautiful roan. Fritz kindly consented the money to lend, .And gave the required amount to his friend; Remarking his own simple language to quote " Berhaps it vas bedder ve make us a note." THE FRENCHMAN AND THE LANDLORD. 59 The note was drawn up in their primitive way " I, Hans, gets from Fritz feefty tollars to-day" When the question arose, the note being made, " Vich von holds dot baper until it vas baidt" " You.geeps dot," says Fritz, " und den you vill know Tou owes me dot money." Says Hans " Dot ish so ; Dot makes me remempers I haf dot to bay, Und I prings you der note und der money some day." A month had expired, when Hans, as agreed, Paid back the amount, and from debt he was freed. Says Fritz, "Now dot settles us." Hans replied, "Taw; Now who dakes dot baper accordings by law t" " I geeps dot, now, aind't it ?" says Fritz ; " den you see I alvays remempers you baid dot to me." Says Hans, " Dot ish so, it vas now shust so Main Dot I knows vot to do ven I porrows again." THE FRENCHMAN AND THE LANDLORD. COMIC FRENCH DIALECT RECITATION. A shrewd and wealthy old landlord, away down in Maine, is noted for driving his " sharp bargains," by which he has amassed a large amount of property. He is the owner of a large number of dwelling-houses, and it is said of him that he is not over-scrupulous of his rental charges, whenever he can find a customer whom he knows to be responsible. His object is to lease his house for a term of years to the best tenants, and get the uttermost farthing in the shape of rent. A diminutive Frenchman called on him last winter, to hire a dwelling he owned in Portland, and which had long remained empty. References were given, and the land- lord, ascertaining that the tenant was a man " after his own heart," immediately commenced to " Jew " him. He found 60 THE FRENCHMAN AND THE LANDLORD. that the tenement appeared to suit the Frenchman, and he placed an exorbitant price upon it ; the leases were drawn and duly executed, and the tenant removed into his ne^t quarters. Upon kindling fires in the house, it was found that the chimneys wouldn't "draw," and the building was filled with smoke. The window-sashes rattled in the wind at night, and the cold air rushed through a hundred crevices about the house until now unnoticed. The snow melted upon the roof, and the attics were drenched from the leakage. The rain pelted, and our Frenchman found a " natural" bath-room upon the second floor but the lease was signed and the landlord chuckled. " I have been vat you sail call ' suck in/ vis zis dam maison," muttered our victim to himself a week after- wards, " but n'importe, ve sal see vat ve sal see." Next morning he arose bright and early, and passing down he encountered the landlord. " Ah, ha ! Son jour, monsieur," said he, in his happiest manner. " Good-day, sir. How do you like your house ?" " Ah ! monsieur elegant, beautiful, magnificent. Eh bien, monsieur, I have ze one regret !" "Ah! What is that?" " I sal live in zat house but tree little year." "How so?" " I have find by vot you call ze lease, zat you have give me ze house but for tree year, and I ver mooch sorrow for zat." " But you can have it longer if you wish " " Ah, monsieur, sal be ver mooch glad if I can have zat house so long as I please eh monsieur f " Oh, certainly, certainly, sir." " Tres Men, monsieur! I sal valk rite to your offees, an you sal give me vot you call ze lease for that maison jes so long as I sal vant tJie house. Eh, monsieur?" DEACON THRUSH IN MEETING. 61 " Certainly, sir. You can stay there your lifetime, if you like." " Ah, monsieur I have ver mooch tanks for zis accom- modation." The old lease was destroyed and a new one was deliv- ered hi form to the French gentleman, giving him posses- sion of the premises for " such a period as the lessee may desire the same, he paying the rent promptly, etc." The next morning our crafty landlord was passing the house just as the Frenchman's last load of furniture was being started from the door ; an hour afterwards, a mes- senger called on him with a legal tender, for the rent for eight days, accompanied with a note as follows : " Monsieur I have been smoke I have been drouned I have been frees to death, in ze house vat I av hire of you for ze period as I may desire. I have stay in ze dam house jcs so long as I please, and ze bearer of zis vill give you ze key ! Bon jour, monsieur.'' It is needless to add that our landlord has never since been known to give up " a bird in the hand for one in the bush." DEACON THRUSH IN MEETING-. LKTTEE FBOM HANNAH BROWN TO 8IBTEB HTJIJJAH. FBOM HAKPEB'8 BAZAB. DEAR HULDY: I must tell you 'bout the way that our new deacon Has sot the church folks by the ears to use that mode o' speakin'. It's just that orful voice of his'n But, law ! I'd best begin And tell my story straight ahead, or else things won't fit in. Last spring we thought that we was blessed, to think that Deacon Thrush j "Was comin' up from Simpkinsville to live in Cedarbrush. " He'll be a piller in our church,!' says father, the first thing. I wish he was a piller, Huldy, for then he couldn't sing. He bought the Joneses' farm, you know, and moved in last of M ay, But that first time he come to church I can't forgit that day. The openin' hymn was skursly read, the choir was just a-risin', When everybody turned and looked, a sound came so surprisin'. 62 DEACON THRUSH IN MEETING. 'Twos somethin' like the old church bell, 'twas somethin' like the ocean, 'Twas most like 'Bijah Morrow's bull, accordin' to my notion. It fairly drowned my playin' out ; it left the tune behind : I never thought that such a voice could come from human kind. Like thunder-claps and factory gear through all our heads 'twas ringin', And, Huldy, it was nothin' else than Deacon Thrush a-singin' ! Tes, there he sot, with book in hand, as peaceful and as calm As if he thought his dooty lay in murd'rin' that poor psalm. He never see the old folks' smiles, he never heerd the giggle That went up from the gallery. I watched our parson wriggle And fidget in the pulpit, while poor father's head was shakin'; But on went Deacon Thrush, and seemed real comfort to be takiu'. And when we stopped he couldn't stop, he'd got sech head way on! His voice went boomin' up and down, and flattin' so forlorn That, though he tried to choke it off, it mixed up with the text, And made poor Parson Edwards skip his words, and then look vexed. I couldn't hear that sermon, Huldy ; my thoughts was all astray, A-wonderin' ef Deacon Thrush would sing agen that day. I might have spared my thinkin', though, for that misguided man Just started off the same old way before the rest began. But when the second verse was reached, the choir put down their books; I stopped my playin' ; back and forth we cast despairin' looks ; The boys set up to laugh agen ; the parson raised his hand And shouted, but the noise was sech we couldn't understand ; While Deacon Thrush was leanin' back, his eyelids nearly closin', A-singin' like an angel on a bed of clouds reposin'. I'll have to cut my story short. Next day they called a meetin', Kesolved to keep poor Deacon Thrush sech singin' from repeatin'. They 'p'inted Uncle Job to go with father and request That Deacon Thrush would kindly leave the singin' to the rest. Perhaps you think he took the hint ? Then, Huldy, you're mis- taken. He listened till they'd said their say, then, with the smiles a- breakin', SCHNEIDER'S TOMATOES. 63 He answered, jest as cheerfully, " Yes, brethering yes, I know I have my faults : I sometimes git the tune a leetle slow, And sometimes, tryin' to ketch up, I take an extry flight, But takin' one verse with the next, that makes things jest come right. Now when yon ask me not to sing, why, breth'ring, I can't do it : Singin' 's my dooty and delight, and I must jest pursue it. And while I tread this vale of tears, a sinful child of dust, Rejoicin' is my privilege rejoice I will and must." Well, 'twan't no use, as Uncle Job and father said next day; The deacon, though a pious man, was sot in his own way. He's sung in meetin' ever sence there's not a seat to spare; And, oh ! sech sinful whisperin' and nudgin' everywhere I Then, when the hymns is given out, you'll hear a gineral " Hush !" While everybody's eyes and ears is turned to Deacon Thrush. He's skeered the little children so that most of 'em keeps cryin' ; The very horses hi the shed won't stand no more 'thout tyin' ; He makes the onconverted laugh, while godly souls are grievin', And yet he's such a Christian man, it's almost past bclievin' ; They're talkin' now of tryin' law, but father he opposes, And so I'll write agen next week to tell you how it closes. P.S. Oh, Huldy ! sech a cur'us thing ! As Deacon Thrush was bringin* His apples home, he thought to cheer the way by sacred singin'. His team took fright and ran away. The neighbors found him lyin' All in a heap, and took him home, and now the good man's dyin'. And, Huldy, ef it isn't wrong, I'm glad to think he's goin' Where all the folks know how to sing, and he can get a showin'. SCHNEIDER'S TOMATOES. BY CHAS. F. ADAMS. Schneider is very fond of tomatoes. Schneider has a friend in the country who raises " garden sass and sich." Schneider had an invitation to visit his friend last week, and regale himself on his favorite vegetable. His friend Pfeifler being busy negotiating with a city produce dealer 64 DEITSCHE ADVERTISEMENT. on his arrival, Schneider thought ho would take a stroll in the garden and see some of his favorites in their pristine beauty. We will let him tell the rest of his story in his own language. " Veil, I valks shust a liddle vhile roundt, when I sees some of dose dermarters vot vos so red und nice as I nefer dit see anymore, und I dinks I vill put mineself outside about a gouple-a-tozen, shust to geef me a liddle abbedite vor dinner. So I bulls off von ov der reddest und pest lookin' of dose dermarters, und dakes a pooty goot bite out of dot, und vas chewing it oup pooty quick, ven by chiminy ! I dort I had a peese ov red-hot goals hi mine mout, or vas chewing oup dwo or dree bapers of needles ; und I velt so pad, already, dot mine eyes vas vool of tears, und I mate vor an ' olt oken bucket' vot I seen "hanging hi der veil, as I vas goomin' along. " Shust den mine vriend Pfeiffer game oup und ask me vot mate me veel so pad, und if any of mine vamily vas dead. I dold him dot I vos der only von ov der vamily dot vas pooty sick ; und den I ask him vot kind of der- marters dose vas vot I hat shust been bicking ; unt, mine cracious, how dot landsman laughft, und said dot dose vas red peppers dot he vas raising vor bepper-sauce. S"ou pet my life I vas mat. I radder you give me feefty tollars as to eat some more of dose bepper-sauce dermarters." DEITSCHE ADVERTISEMENT. BY C. TOLEB 'WOLFE. Mine horse is shloped, and I'm avraid He has been taken, shtolen or shtrayed ; Mine pig plack horse dat looks so sphry, Pout fourteen odor twelve hands high ; He hash been got shoot four feet plack, Mit shtriped shpots all down his pack, Two legs before and two behind DEITSCHB ADVERTISEMENT. 65 Pe sure you keep all this in mind. He's plaok all over, dat is true, All but his vace, and dat's plack too ; He drots and ganters, vaux and paces, And outvorks Pelzepub in draces ; And ven he gallops in der shtreet He vaux upon his legs and feet ; Von leg goes down, and den the oder, Und always follows von anoder ; He hash two ears shtuck 'pon his head, Bote of dem's neider vite nor red, But bote alike, shust von you see, Ish placker than the oder pe ; He's got two eyes dat looks von vay, Only he lost one toder day, So, ven you vonts to take a ride, Shump on his pack on toder side, And it is shust as gospel drue, His eye vat's plind will not see you. His dail's pehind him long and shleek, Only I cut him off last veek, Und derefore 'tis not any more As half so longer as pefore. He cocks his ear and look so gay, Und vill not shtart and run avay, But ven he's scart, he make von shpring, Und shumps apout like every ding ; He rides apout mit chaise and cart, I never see such horse for smart ; Und somedhnes he go on de road, Mitout nopody for his load But pag of corn, and takes de track, Mit little poy upon his pack. Mine horse ish not so very old, Not half so young as ven he's foaled, And ven he gallop, rear or shump, His head come all pefore him plump. And den his dail goes all pehind ; Put sometimes, ven he takes a mind, 66 THE YA1TKEE FIRESIDE. Gets mad and durns all around, be shore Yy den his dail goes all pefore. Whoever vill my plack horse got, Shall pay ten dollars on the shpot, And if he prings der tief alive, Yy den he pays me twenty-five, Mitout no questions axed py me. By mine advertisement you'll see I live out here by Schneider Gap, Near Schotofflefunks. THE YANKEE FIRESIDE. A CELEBRATED YASKEE RECITATION. I need not occupy your time by describing minutely what I mean by a Yankee fireside. It is sufficient to say that it consists of one of those old-fashioned fire-places where they use the wood without splitting or sawing, and throw on from a quarter to a half cord of wood at a time ; and where there is sufficient room under the jams for a dozen little children to sit down and warm their little feet before going to bed. It was at one of these firesides that I happened to drop in on a cold winter's night, and witnessed the scene I am about to relate. The heads of the family were a Mr. and Mrs. Jones, who were honored that evening with a visit from a plain sort of a man, who told me, in course of conversation, that he teached school hi whiter, and hired out in haying time. What this man's name was, I don't exactly recollect. It might have been Smith ; and for conveniency's sake we will call his name John Smith. This Mr. Smith brought a newspaper with him, which was printed weekly which Mr. Jones said, as it did not agree with his politics, was a very weakly consarn. Mr. Jones was seated on one side of an old pine table, THE YANKEE FIRESIDE. 67 and Mr. Smith on the other. Mrs. Jones sat knitting in one corner, and the children under the fire-place some cracking nuts, others whittling sticks, etc. Mr. Jones, after perusing the paper for some time, observed to Mrs. Jones, " My dear." MRS. JONES. "Well." ME. J. " It appears " MRS. J. " Well, go on." MR. J. " I say it appears " MRS. J. " Well, law souls ! I heard it ; go on." MR. J. " I say it appears from a paragraph " MRS. J. " Well, it don't appear as if you are ever goin' to make it appear." MR. J. " I say it appears from a paragraph in this pa- per " MRS. J. " There ! there you go agin ! Why on airth, Jones, don't you out with it ?" MR. J. " I say it appears from a paragraph in this pa- per that " MRS. J. " Well, I declare, Jones, you are enough to tire the patience of Job ! Why on airth don't you out with it?" MR. J. " Mrs. Jones, will you be quiet ? If you get my dander up, Fll raise Satan round this house, and you know it tue. Mr. Smith, you must excuse me ; Fm 'bliged to be a little peremptory to my wife ; for if you wasn't here, she'd lick me like all natur*. Well, as I said, it appears from this paper that Seth Slope you know'd Seth Slope, that used to be round here ?" MRS. J. " Yes, well, go on ; out with it." MR. J. " You know he went on a whalin' voyage." MRS. J. "Yes, wellf" MR. J. " Well, it appears he was setting on the starn of the vessel, when the vessel give a lee lurch, and he was knocked overboard, and hain't written to his friends since." 68 THE YANKEE FIRESIDE. MRS. J. " La, souls ! you don't say." Before going farther, I will endeavor to give you some idea of Seth Slope. He was what they term, down east, a poor shote ; his principal business was picking up chips, feeding the hogs, etc. I will represent him with this hat. (Puts on an old hat.) 11 Mrs. Jones says I don't know nothin', and Mr. Jones says I don't know nothin' (laughs') and everybody says I don't know nothin' ; and I say I do know nothin': (laughs.) Don't I pick up all the chips to make a fire? And and don't I feed the hogs, and the ducks, and the hens ? (laughs.) And don't I go down to the store every mornin' for a jug o* rum ? And don't I always take a good suck myself? I don't know nothin' ha ! (laughs.) And don't I go to church every Sunday, and don't I go up- stairs ? and when the folks gets asleep, don't I throw corn at 'em, and wake 'em up? And don't I see the fellers winkin' at the gals, and the gals winkin' at the fellers ? And don't I go home and tell the old folks f And when they come home, don't the old folks kick up gooseberry with 'em? (laughs.) And don't I drive the hogs out of the garden to keep 'em from rootin' up the taters ? And don't I git asleep there sometimes, and don't they root me U p ? (laughs.) And didn't I see a fly on Deacon Stokes' red nose t'other day, and didn't I say, ' Take care, Deacon Stokes, you'll burn his feet !' I don't know nothin', eh ?" (laugJis.) This Mrs. Jones I have spoken of was a very good sort of a woman ; and Mr. Jones was also considered a very good sort of a man but was rather fond of the bottle. On one occasion I recollect particularly he had been to a muster, and came home so much intoxicated that he could hardly stand, and was obliged to lean against the chimney- place to prevent himself from falling. And Mrs. Jones says to him : " Now, Jones, ain't you ashamed of your- THE YANKEE FIRESIDE. 69 self? Where on airth do you think you'd go to if you was to die in that sitewation 1" JONES (very drunk) "Well, I don't know where I should go to ; but I shouldn't go fur without I could go faster than I do now." As soon as Mr. Jones had finished the paragraph hi the paper, Mrs. Jones threw on her shawl and went over to her neighbors to communicate the news. I will endeavor to give a better idea of this Mrs. Jones by assuming a shawl and cap. (Puts on shawl and cap.) " Well, Mrs. Smith, I 'spose you hain't heard the news." " La, no ! What on airth is it ?" " You recollect Seth Slope, that use to be about here ?" " Yes, well ?" " You know he went out on a whalin' voyage ?" " Yes." " Weil, it ap- . pears from an advartisment in the paper that he was setthv* on the starn of the vessel, when the vessel give a lee lurch, and he was sent overboard and drowned, and hain't writ- ten to his friends since. Oh, dear ! it's dreadful to think on. Poor crittur ! he was sich a good-natured, clever soul. I recollect when ho was about here, how he use to come hi the house and set down, and get up and go out. Then he'd go down to the barn, and throw some hay to the crit- ters, and then he'd come hi the house agin, and git up and go out, and go down to the store and git a jug of rum, and sometimes he'd take a leetle suck on't himself. But lor souls ! I never cared nothin' at all about that. Good, clev- er critter ! Then arter he'd come back with the rum, he'd sit down a little while, and git up and go out and pick up chips, and drive the hogs out of the garden ; and then he'd come in the house, and kick over the swill-pail, and set down and stick his feet over the mantel-piece, and whittle all over the harth, and spit tobacco-juice all over the car- pet, and blow his nose in the buckwheat cakes, and make himself so sociable I And poor feller ! now he's gone ! Oh, dear ! Well, Mrs. Smith, it goes to show that we are all accountable critturs /" 70 THE FRENCHMAN AND THE SHEEP'S TBOTTEES. THE FRENCHMAN AND THE SHEEP'S TROTTERS. A CELEBRATED COMIC RECITATION. A Monsieur from the Gallic shore, Who, though not over-rich, wished to appear so, Came over in a ship with friends a score Poor emigrants, whose wealth, good lack ! Dwelt only on their ragged backs, Who thought him rich, they'd heard him oft declare so, For he was proud as Satan's self, And often bragg'd about his pelf, And as a proof the least That he could give he promised when on land, At the first inn, in style so grand, To give a feast ! The Frenchmen jump'd at such an offer. Monsieur did not forget his proffer ; But at the first hotel on shore, They stopp'd to lodge and board; The Frenchman order'd in his way A dinner to be done that day, But here occurred a grievous bore : Monsieur of English knew but little, Tapps of French knew not a tittle ; In ordering dinner, therefore, 'tis no wonder That they should make a blunder. Whether the landlord knew, or no, The sequel of my tale will show : He blunder'd, and it cannot be denied, To some small disadvantage on his side. The order seem'd immense to Boniface, But more the expense, to him the greater fun ; For all that from the order he could trace, "Was, " Messieur Bull, you lettee me have, I say, Vich for vid cash, I sal you pay, Fifteen of those vid vich the sheep do run .'" From which old Tapps could only understand, (But whether right or wrong, cared not a button,) THE FRENCHMAN AND THE SHEEP'S TROTTERS. 71 That what Monsieur desired, with air so grand, Was fifteen legs of mutton! " A dinner most enormous !" cried the elf; " Zounds ! each must eat a leg, near, to himself P However, they seem'd a set of hungry curs, And so, without more bother or demurs, Tapps to his cook his orders soon express'd, And fifteen legs of mutton quick were dressed. And now around the table all elate, The Frenchman's friends the dinner doth await; Joy sparkled in each hungry urchin's eyes, "When they beheld, with glad surprise, Tapps quick appear with leg of mutton hot, Smoking, and just ejected from the pot ! Laugh'd, stared, and chuckled more and more, "When two they saw, then three, then f 'our ! And then & fifth ! their eager glances bless'd, And then a sixth ! larger than all the rest ! But soon the Frenchman's countenance did change, To see the legs of mutton on the table; Surprise and rage by turns In his face burns, "While Tapps the table did arrange As nice as he was able ; And while the Frenchmen for the feast prepaid Thus, in a voice that quite the landlord scar'd, Our hero said, " Mon Dieu ! Monsieur, vy for you make Dis vera great blundare and mistake f Vy for you bring to me dese mouton legsf* Tapps with a bow his pardon begs; " I've done as you have order*d, sir," said he, " Did you not order fifteen legs of me t Six of which before your eyes appear, And nine besides are nearly done down stair ! Here, John ! " " Go, hang you Jean ! you fool ! you ass ! You one great clown to bring me to dis pass ; Take vay dis meat ; for vich I sail no pay, I did no order dat :" " What's that you say T" 72 VAS BENDER HENSHPECKED? Tapps answered with a frown and with a stare, " You order'd fifteen legs of me, I'll swear, Or fifteen things with which the sheep do run, "Which means the same : I'm not so easy done." " Parbleu ! Monsieur ! vy you no comprehend ? You may take back de legs unto de pot ; I telle you, sare, 'tis not de legs I vant But dese here leetel tings vid vich de sheep do trot I" " "Why, hang it !" cried the landlord in a rage, "Which Monsieur vainly tried to assuage, " Hang it ?" said he, as to the door he totters : " Now after all the trouble that I took, These legs of mutton both to buy and cook, It seems instead of fifteen legs, You merely wanted fifteen poor sheep's trotters!" VAS BENDER HENSHPECKED? BY ACLAND VON BOYLE. FROM SCETBNEB'S MONTHLY. Any shentleman vot vill go round pehind your face, und talk in front of your back apout sometings, vas a shvindler. I beared dot Brown says veek pefore next apout me I vas a henshpecked huspand. Dot vas a lie ! De proof of de eating vas in de puddings : I am married twenty year already, und I vas yet not paid-headed. I don't vas oonder some pettygoats gofernments ; shtill I tinks it vas petter if a feller vill insult mit his vife und got her advices apout sometings or oder. Dem American vomans don't know sometings nefer about his huspant's peesness, und vhen dem hart times comes, und not so much money comes in de house, dot makes not some tifference mit her. Shtill she moost have vone of dot pull-pack-in-de-front hoop-skirt-petty goats, mit every kind trimmings. Pooty soon dot huspant gets pankerupted all to pieces. Dey send for de doctor ; und vhen de doctor comes de man dies. Den dot vomans vas obliged to marry VAS BENDER HENSHPECKED ? 73 mit anoder mans vot she don't maype like mit four or six shildrens, on account of his first vife already, und posso- bably von or two mudders-by-law vone second-handed, und de oder a shtep-mudder-out-law. Den she says mit herself, " I efen vish dot I vas dead a little." Now if a Chermans goes dead, dot don't make a pit of tifference. Nopody vould hardly know it, except maype himself. His vife goes mit de peesness on shust like not- ings has happened to somepody. American vomans and Cherman vomans vas a tifferent kind of peoples. For inshtinct, last year dot same feller, Mr. Brown, goes mit me hi de putcher peesness togeder. He vas Amp.rir.aTi man so vas his vife. Veil, many time vhen efery peoples has got de panic pooty bad, dot vomans comes to her huspant und says she moost have money. Den she goes out riding mit a carriages. Vonce on a tune, Brown says to me, " Bender, I vouldn't be henshpecked." So he vent off und got himself tight shust pecause his vife tells him, blease don't do dot. Den he sits down on his pack mit de floor, und if I am not dere dot time he never vould got home. Veil, dot night, me und my vife, ve had a little talk apout sometings ; und de next tay I says to Brown, " Look here vonst ! My vife she makes sausages, und vorks in dot shtore ; also my taughter she vorks py the shtore und makes head-skeeses ; und your vife vas going out riding all de times mit de horses-car, und a patent-tied-pack cardinal shtriped shtockings. Now your vife moost go vork in de shtore and cut peefshteaks, und make sauer- kraut, or else ve divide not equally any more dot profits." Veil, Brown goes home und he tells his vife apout dot. Den she comes pooty quick mit Brown around, and ve had a misundershtanding apout sometings, in vich eferybody took a part, including my leetle dog Kaiser. Pooty soon up comes a policesmaus und arrests us for breeches of promise to keep de pieces, und assaulting de battery, or 74 LTFE, LIBEKTY AND LAGEK. sometings. Den de firm of Bender & Brown vas proke up. I go apout my peesness, und Brown goes mit his peesness. My vife sbe helps in de shtore. His vife goes riding mit de horses-cars, und efery nights she vas py de theatre. Vot's de gonsequences ? Along comes dot Centennial panic. Dot knocks Brown more higher as two kites, py Chimminy ! My income vas shtill more as my outcome. But Brown, he goes 'round dot shtreets mit his hands out of his pockets, und he don't got a cent to his hack. LIFE, LIBERTY AND LAGER. DUTCH DIALECT. O vat is dis has come to pass ? Dis demberance embarger Has dook avay mine fested rights, Life, liperty und lager. De pody polidic is bored Mit dis pig demberance augur, Und let out all vat dere was stored, Life, liperty und lager. Mine pody's only shoost a spout Vat efery day grows larger, Vere efery dime vent in und out Life, liperty und lager. I's nothing but von creat big hold, Eeceiferund tischarger, Dere's nix mitin dey call a soul To sheck de flow of lager. Den vat is life mitout somedings To make dis fleisch crow larger f Und liberty mitout some trinks, Bardicularly lager ? Und vat is habbiness ven I Can't go out on a bender. A FRENCHMAN'S ACCOUNT OF THE FALL. 75 Mit liperty, ven I gets " high," To vip mine frau und kinder t It used to vas dat tay und night I round apout vould stagger, Shoost toatet mit, vat mate me " tight," Life, liperty und lager. I'll fight dese demberance chaps all night Mit bricks und stones und dagger, Until I gets mine Tested rights, Life, liperty und lager. Den dere's de geeber von saloon, So sholly und so frisky, Behold bees oggupation gone, His lager und his whisky. Pecause ven he shall get me trunk TTnd I vips Mistress Gammage, Dey'll put him in the shatter's bunk TJndil he pays de tammage. De Pird of Freedom flewd away, Ven ve pccun to need him ; Oh, Lechislators ! do, I bray, Pring pack de Pird of Freedom ! A FRENCHMAN'S ACCOUNT OF THE FALL. TRENCH DIALECT. "Monsieur Adam, he wake up: he see une belle de- moiselle aslip in ze garden. Voila de la chance. ' Bon jour, Madam Iv.' Madam Iv, she wake : she hole her fan before to her face. Adam put up his eyeglass to admire ze tableau. Zey make one promenade. Madam Iv, she feel 'ungry ; she see appel on ze arbre. Serpent se promene, BUT 1'arbre, make one walk on ze tree. ' Mons. le Serpent,' say Iv, ' weel you not have ze bonte" to peek me. some appel I J'ai faim.' ' Certainement, madam/ say ze serpent, 76 DEB GOOT LOOKJN' SffifOW. 1 charme' de vous voir.' ' Hol&, mon ami, ar-r-r-eter vous,' say Adam; 'stop, stop, que songez vous faire? What madness is zees you must not peek ze appel.' Ze snake, he take one pinch of snuff, he say, 'Ah! Mons. Adam, do you not know zere is nothing proheebet for ze ladies? Madam Iv, penneet me to offer you some of this fruit defendu.' Iv, she make one courtezy, ze snake he fill her whole parasol wiz appel : he say, ' Eritis sicut Deus. Mons. Adam he will eat ze appel, he will become like one Dieu, know ze good and ze evil ; but you, Madam Iv, can- not become more of a goddess zan you are now/ and zis finish Madam Iv." DEB GOOT LOOKIN' SHNOW. I'AP.OBY ON " BEAUTIFUL SNOW." DUTCH DIALECT. Ob, dot shnow, dot goot lookin' shnow, YMch makes von der shky out, on tings below ; Und yoost on der bause vbere der shingles vas grow, You come mit some coldness, vberefer yon go ; Yaltzin' nnd pblayin' nnd zinging along, Goot lookin' shnow, you dond cood done wrong. Efen of you make on some oldt gal's scbeek, It makes noting tifferent, ofer das sbendlesom freak. Goot lookin' sbnow, von der glouds py der shky, You vas bully mit cold vedder, und bully von bigb. Oh, dot shnow, dot goot lookin' sbnow, Yoost dis vay und dot you make vben you go ; Fhlyin' aroundt, you got matness mit fun, Und fhreeze makes der nose of efery von ; Lafein', runnin', mit gwickness go py, Yoost shtobbin' a leedle, den pooty gwick fhly ; Und efen der togs, dot vas out in der vet, Yood shnab at der bieces vhich makes on dbere bedt. Der peobles vas grazy, und caddies vood crow Und say bow you vas, you goot lookin' sbnow. DER GOOT LOOKUP SHNOW. 77 Und so gwick yon vas dhere, und der vedder did shnow, Dhey shpeak out in dones so shweeder as low, Und der shleigh-riders, too, vas gone py in der lite, You dond cood saw dbem, dill quite out of site. Schwimmen, shkimmen, fhlirdin' dhey go Kecht on der tob of dot goot lookin' shnow. Dot shnow vas vhite glean vhen it comes der shky down, Und yoost so muddy like mud, vhen it comes of der town, To been valked on py more as dwo hoondret fife feet, Dill gwick, vas yoost lookin' so phlack like der shtreet. Yell, I vas yoost lookin' vonce so goot like dot shnow, But I tumbled me off, und vay I did go ; Nicht so glean, like der mut dot growed on der shtreet, I vas shcraped von der poots off, of der peoples I meet. Dinkin' und shworin', I like of I die, To been shtiff like a mackerel mit no von to buy, Vhile I trink me some lager to got a shquare meal, I vas afraid von der ghosts mine pody vood shteaL Got in Himmel, how ish dot T Vas I gone down so low, Vhen I vonce vas so vhiteness like dot goot lookin' shnow t Yah, for dhrue, I vas told you, I vas vonce pure like dot shnow, Mit blaindy of lofe, von mine heart out vas grow ; I dink von dhem efery von, und dhey dink von me too, Und I vas humpugged mit fhladeries, dot's yoost vot dhey do. Mine Fadder, Mudder, Gebruder der same, Vas loose me some sympadies, und forget vonce mine name, Und dot raskals who comes of me in der tarkness py nite, Voot gone more as a plocks to got out of mine site. Der coat von mine leeks, und poots of mine toe, Vas not gleaner as doze of dot goot lookin' shnow. It vas gweer it shood been dot dot goot lookin' shnow Vood make on a pad mans mit no vhere to go ; Und how gweer it vood been, vhen yoost pehindt tay, 78 MK. SCHMIDT'S MISTAKE. Ofer der hall und das vind mit mine pody vood pblay, Hobbin, skibben, und me dedt like an eel Mine mat vas got oop, nefer a vord cood I shpeil, To been zeen py der peobles who vas valk ofer der town, "Who vas dickled mit pbleasures, of der shnow vas come down, I yoost lay der ground, und gone died mit a woe, Mit a pedgwilts und billows, von der goot lookin' shnow. MB. SCHMIDT'S MISTAKE. BY CHAS. F. ADAMS. I geeps me von leetle schtore town Proadway, und does a pooty goot peesnis, bud I ton't got mooch gapital to vork mit, so I finds id hard vork to get me all der gredits vot I vould like. Last veek I hear aboud some goots dot a barty vas going to sell pooty sheap, und so I writes dot man if he vould gief me der refusal of dose goots for a gouple of days. He gafe me der refusal dot is, he sait I gouldn't haf dem but he sait he vould gall on me und see mine schtore, und den if mine schtanding in peesnis vas goot, berhaps ve might do somedings togedder. Veil, I vas behint mine gounter yesterday, ven a shentleman gomes in und dakes me py der hand und say : " Mr. Schmidt, I pelieve." I says, " Yaw," und den I dinks to mineself, dis vas der man vot has dose goots to sell, und I musd dry to make some goot imbressions mit him, so ve gould do some peesnis. " Dis vas goot schtore," he says, looking round t, " bud you don't got a pooty pig shtock already." I vas avraid to let him know dot I only hat 'bout a tousand tollars vort of goots in der blace, so I says : " You ton't vould dink I hat more as dree tousand tollars in dis leedle schtore, ain't id ?" He says : " You ton't tole me ! Vos dot bossible !" I says : " Yaw." I meant dot id vas bossible, dough id vasn't so, vor I vas like Shorge Vashingtons ven he cut town der "olt elm" on Poston HOME AGAIN. 79 Commons mit his leedle hadchet, und gouldn't dell some lies aboud id. " Veil," says der shentleman, " I dinks you ought to know petter as anypody else vot you haf got in der schtore." Und den he dakes a pig book vrom unter his arm und say : " Veil, I poots you town vor dree tousand tollars." I ask him vot he means py " poots me town," und den he says he vos von off der dax-men, or assessors off broperty, und he tank me so kintly as nefer vos, pecause he say I vos sooch an honest Deutscher, und tidn't dry und sheat der gofermants. I dells you vat it vos, I tidn't veel any more petter as a hundord ber cent, ven dot man valks oudt of mine schtore, und der nexd dime I makes free mit sdran- gers I vinds first deir peesnis oudt. HOME AGAIN. DUTCH DIALECT. How schweed to dhink of home Und frendts ve loaf so dear, Ven ve runned avay from der honse To see der sights so quveer ; "Pis den dot ve look pack Und vish dot ve vas dhere, Und be greeded vid dot welcome home Und vid der joys to share. To see der fader und mooder, Und hear dhem speak vonce more ; Vhy, id's bedder dan gold or silver Send from a foreign shore ; Und you sid down by der fireside Of dot liddle brown stone frame, Vhile your fader mat a jack und 9 dails On your back he vas wriden his name. Veil, you don'd care for to runned avay again Und see der vorld vonce more ; You had enough, you ain'd no hog, Ligke you vas dot dime before. 80 DOT SURPRISE PARTY. DOT SURPRISE PARTY. DUTCH DIALECT. Coming down Twelfth Street yesterday, we met Jacob Schneider, an old German Mend. We hadn't seen Jacob for several weeks, and, as we noticed that his bandana was tied over an eye, and that his nose was in visible on account of a piece of court plaster occupying a front seat, and ob- serving that several teeth were on a furlough, we wondered if the wagon he used to drive was smashed to pieces, and asked him when the runaway occurred. "I don't know somedinks apout no runavays," said Jacob. " Was it a fight, then ?" we inquired. " I don't know somedinks apout no fights, neider," said Jacob ; " it was some surbrise barties." " Surprise party !" " Yaw, surbrise barties ; dot eye vos a surbrise barty ; surbrise barty is vot's der matter mit dot nose ; und dem teeth vot I don't got some more, dey bin to der surbrise barty, too." "Look here, Jacob, you are a little off, ain't you?" " A leedle off? Yaw, I guess I don't. Of you call dot faces a leedle off yusht so, I pin a leedle off." " Let's hear all about it." " Goom down to der saloon and git some peer, und I told you all 'bout it." Proceeding to the nearest saloon, we soon had Jacob fortified by a schooner of lager. Wiping his lips, after he had taken the first draught, he said : . ' " You know dot ole Miss Helfschlager ?" " Yes fine old lady, hi vigorous health." " Yaw, I dink so, too. Veil, der poys dey goom round und say : ' We git some surbrise barties on Miss Helf- schlager up.' " " And you agreed to go ?" I VANT TO FLY. 81 " Kin I look owit fern dot mouth I Kin I schmell some- dinks fern dot nose? Kin I Donnerwetter ! don't I look me like a pin ?" After glancing at the man, we were compelled to confess that he did ; but we had a curiosity to know how it all came about, and we asked him. " How it coom 'bout ? It didn't coom 'bout ; it coomall rount ! Der poys dey know somedinks 'bout Miss Helf- schlager dot I don't pin acquaintance mit, und dey put me in as der leader. I knock up der door-pell mit swei pig paskets on my arrums, und fern der door open owit, I rush in mit myselps, tinkin' der under follers vas pehint. It's blayed owit der way dem fellers blayed it on me." " Didn't they follow you ?" " Yaw, like der ole vooman geep tavern." " They went back on you and left you alone. Did the surprise party come off? Did you see Miss Helfschlager ?" "Did der surbrise barties coom off? Yaw, I dink so. Dot," pointing to eye, nose and mouth in succession " dot vas der surbrise barties. Did I see Miss Helfschlager? Yusht gaze upon dot gountenances ! Did I see her ? By sMminy, I dink so ! Young feller, don't you go to some surbrise barties mit Miss Helfschlager; dot's vot's der reasons mit me, und all dem wegetables wasted too." It certainly looked like it. I YANT TO FLY. A HUMOBOU8 BECITATION. FRENCH DIALECT. Shortly before the conclusion of the war with Napoleon there were a number of French officers in an inland town on their parole of honor. Now, one gentleman being tired with the usual routine of eating, drinking, gambling, smok- ing, &c., therefore, in order to amuse himself otherwise, resolved to go a-fishing. His host supplied him with rod 82 I VANT TO PLY. and line, but being in want of artificial flies, went in search of a fishing tackle maker's shop. Having found one, kept by a plain pains-taking John Bull, our Frenchman entered, and, with a bow, a cringe, and a shrug of the shoulders, thus began : - " Ah, Monsieur Anglais, comment vous portez-vous !" "Eh, that's French," exclaimed the shopkeeper; "not that I understand it, but I'm very well, if that's what you mean." " Bon, bon, ver good ; den, saire, I sail tell you, I vant deux fly." " I dare say you do, Mounseer," replied the Englishman, " and so do a great many more of your outlandish gentry ; but I'm a true-born Briton, and can never consent to as- sist the enemies of my country to leave it particularly when they cost us so much to bring them here." " Ah, Monsieur, you no comprehend ; I shah 1 repeate, I vant deux fly, on the top of de vater." " Oh ! what, you want to fly by water, do you ? then I'm sure I can't assist you, for we are at least a hundred miles from the sea-coast, and our canal is not navigable above ten or twelve miles from here." "Diable ! saro, you are un stup of the block. I sail tell you once seven times over again I vant deux fly on the top of de vater, to dingle dangle at the end of de long pole." " Ay, ay ! you only fly Mounseer, by land or water, and if they catch you, I'll be hanged if they won't dingle dangle you, as you cah 1 it, at the end of a long pole." " Sacre un de dieu ! la bias ! vat you mean by dat, enfer diable ? you are un bandit jack of de ass, Johnny de Bull. Ba, ba, you are effrontee, and I disgrace me to parley vid you. I tell you, sare, dat I vant deux fly on the top of de vater, to dingle dangle at the end of the long pole, to la trap poisson." " What's that you say, you French Mounseer you'll lay a trap to poison me and all my family because I won't as- I VANT TO FLY. 83 sist you to escape ? why, the like was never heard. Here, Betty, go for the constable." The constable soon arrived, who happened to be as ig- norant as the shopkeeper, and of course it was not expected that a constable should be a scholar. Thus the man of office began: " What's ah" this ? Betty has been telling me that this here outlandish Frenchman is going to poison you and all your family f Ay, ay, I should like to catch him at it, that's all. Come, come to prison, you delinquent." " No, sare, I sail not go to de prison ; take me before de what you call it de ting that nibble de grass ?" " Nibble grass ? You mean sheep ?" " No, I mean de de " " Oh, you mean the cow." " No, sare, not the cow ; you stup Johnny bceuf I mean de cheval, vat you ride. [Imitating.] Come, sare, gee up. Ah, ha." " Oh, now I know, you mean a horse." " No, sare, I mean de horse's vife." "What, the mare?" " Oui, bon, yes, sare, take me to de mayor." This request was complied with, and the French officer soon stood before the English magistrate, who, by chance, happened to be better informed than his neighbors, and thus explained the dilemma of the unfortunate Frenchman, to the satisfaction of all parties : " You have mistaken the intention of this honest gentle- man ; he did not want to fly the country, but to go a-fish- ing, and for that purpose went to your shop to purchase two flies, by way of bait, or, as he expressed it, to la trap la poisson. Poisson, in French, is fish." " Why, aye," re plied the shopkeeper, " that may be true; you are a scholard, and so you know better than I. Poi- son, in French, may be very good fish, but give me good old English roast beef." 84 PETER SORGHUM IN LOVE. PETER SORGHUM IN LOVE. A CAPITAL YANKEE STOET. BY ALF. BUENETT. One day Sail fooled me ; she heated the poker awful hot, then asked me to stir the fire. I seized hold of it mighty quick to oblige her, and dropped it quicker to oblige myself. Well, after the poker scrape, me and Sail only got on middlin' well for some time, till I made up my mind to pop the question, for I loved her harder every day, and I had an idee she loved me or had a sneaking kind- ness for me. But how to do the thing up nice and rite pestered me orful. I bought some love books, and read how the fellers git down onter their knees and talk like poets, and how the girls would gently-like fall in love with them. But somehow or other that way didn't kinder suit my notion. I asked mam how she and dad courted, but she said it had been so long she had forgotten all about it. Uncle Jo said mam did all the 'courting. At last I made up my mind to go it blind, for this thing was farely consumin' my mind; so I goes over to her dad's, and when I got there I sot like a fool, thinkin' how to begin. Sail seed somethin' was troublin' me, so she said, says she, "Ain't you sick, Peter?" She said this mity soft-like. " Yes ! No !" sez I ; " that is, I an't zackly well ; I thought Fd come over to-night," sez I. I tho't that was a mity purty beginnin' ; so I tried agin. " Satt^ sez I and by this time I felt kinder faintly about the stommuck, and shaky about the knees " SaU," sez I. " What f" sez she. " Sott," sez I agin. " What f" sez she. 111 get to it arter a while at this rate, thinks I. " Peter," says she, " there's suthin' troublin' you ; 'tis mighty wrong for you to keep it from a body, for an inard sorrer is a consumin' fire." She said this, slie did, the sly critter. She knowed what was the matter all the time mighty well, and was only tryin' to fish it out, but I was so far gone I couldn't see the point. At last I sorter gulped down the big lump a risin' in my PETER SORGHUM IN LOVE. 85 throat, and sez I, sez I, " Sail, do you love anybody ?" " Well," sez she, " there's dad and mam," and a countin' of her fingers all the time, with her eyes sorter shet like a fellar shootin' ofl' a gun, " and there's old Pide (that were their old cow,) and I can't think of anybody else just now," says she. Now, this was orful for a feller ded in love ; so arter a while I tried another shute. Sez I, " Sail," sez I, " I'm powerful lonesome at home, and sometimes think if I only had a nice pretty wife, to love and talk to, move, and have my bein' with, I'd be a tremendous feller." Sez I, " Sail, do you know any gal would keer for me ?" With that she begins, and names over all the gals for five miles around, and never once came nigh naming of herself, and sed I oughter git one of them. This sorter got my dander up, so I hitched my cheer up close to her, and shet my eyes and sed, " SALL, you are the very gal I've been hank- ering arter for a long time. I luv you all over, from the sole of your head to the crown of your foot, and I don't care who nos it, and if you say so we'll be jined together in the holy bonds of hemlock, Epluribusunum, world with- out end, amen !" sez I ; and then I felt like I'd throwed up an alligator, I felt so relieved. With that she fetched a sorter screem, and arter a while sez, sez she, " PETER !" " What, Sally ?" sez I. " YES !" sez she, a hidin' of her face behind her hands. You bet a heap I felt good. " Glory ! glory !" sez I, " I must holler, Sail, or I shall bust. Hooray for hooray ! I can jump over a ten-rail fence !" With that I sot rite down by her and clinched the bargain with a kiss. Talk about your blackberry jam ; talk about your sugar and merlasses; you wouldn't a got me nigh 'em they would all a been sour arter that. Oh ! these gals ! how good and bad, how high and low they do make a feller feel ! If Sail's daddy hadn't sung out 'twas time all honest folks was abed, I'd a sot there two hours longer. You oughter have seen me when I got home 1 I pulled dad out of bed and hugged him ! I pulled mam out of bed and 86 MBS. SMART LEARNS HOW TO SKATE. hugged her ! I pulled Aunt Jane out of bed and hugged her. I larfed and hollered, crowed like a rooster, danced round there, and cut up more capers than you ever heerd tell on, till dad thought I was crazy, and got a rope to tie me with. " Dad," sez I, " I'm goin j to be married /" " Mar- ried !" bawled dad. " Married I" squalled mam. " Mar- ried!" screamed Aunt Jane. "Yes, married," sez I; " married all over, married for sure, married like a flash joined in wedlock, hooked on for life, for worser or for better, for life and for death to SALL ! I am that very thing me ! Peter Sorghum, ESQUIRE !" With that I ups and tells 'em all about it, from Alfer to Ermeger ! They were all mighty well pleased, and I went to bed as proud as a young rooster with his first spurs. MRS. SMART LEARNS HOW TO SKATE. YANKEE DIALECT BEADING. BY CLARA AUGUSTA. Don't you think skating is dreadful good exercise ? I do ; and I've been trying of it lately, so that I have as good a knowledge of how it operates as anybody else. Joshua said I was rather old to go into such childish bizness ; but I don't see no airthly reason why an old mar- ried woman shouldn't enjoy herself if she can. Goodness knows, most of us has trouble enough to put up with if we have a husband and children and hens and pigs and things. And if we can git any injoyment out of life, I say we'd orter. I calkulate to, myself ; and I'd like to see any- body hender me ! It'll take more'n Joshua Smart ! He never growed big enuff! No, sir ! not by a long chalk ! All the folks round about here has gone into skating. There hain't nobody but what's had a spell at it. Even old Grandmarm Smith, that's gone with two canes this dozen years she's tried it, and fell down, and smashed her specks, and barked her nose all to flinchersj and old MRS. SMART LEARNS HOW TO SKATE. 87 Deacon Sharp, that's been blind ever since Wiggins' barn was burnt, he's got to be quite a powerful skater. Only you have to clear the track when you see him coming, 'cause he don't turn out for nobody nor nothing. And he's apt to git to using big words, if he happens to hit against anything. The other day he skated against a tall stump in the millpond, and a madder man you never seed. He took it for somebody standing there ; and, if he is a deacon, I'm ready to give my Bible oath that he came at it, and hit it several licks with his fist, afore he found out that it wasn't no one. All the wimmen folks has been out on the ice this fall. I never seed such a turnout afore. The way they've done, they've cooked up enuff Satterdays to last all through the next week, and then they've skated, and their husbands has staid at home, and swore and eat cold vittles. Law sake ! how things have changed since I was a gal ! The world is gitting more and more civilized every day. In a thousand years from now, at the present rate of get- ting along, this airth will be too good to live in, and, most of us will have to leave, if we hain't already. Why, I can remember when a gal that dared to look at a pair of skates was called a Tomboy ; and you might as well have served out a term in the States Prison as to have been called that ! It was an awful name ! It used to be a sin for a gal to do anything that a boy did, except milk the cows, and eat pudding and molasses. As soon as it got cold enough to friz up, I made up my miud to see what I could do at skating. I had an idea that it wouldn't take me no time at all to larn. All the gals was an awful spell a-larning; but all in the world that made 'em so long was 'cause they had fellers a-showing of 'em how, and they kinder h'ked the fun. If there hadn't been a feller in the neighborhood, a'most any of 'em would have larnt the whole trade in three days. I went over to the bridge, and sold five pounds of 88 MRS. SMART LEARNS HOW TO SKATE. butter, and got me a pair of skates. Hain't it astonishing how butter has gone up ? Never seed the beat of it hi all my life ! We don't pretend to eat a mite of butter to our house, though we've got three farrer cows and a new milk's heifer. Joshua grumbles like everything ; but I tell him 'tain't no use I'd as lives he'd spread his bread with fifty-cent scrips as with butter. And 'twon't make no difference a hundred years from now whether a man has lived on butter or hog's fat. Not a speck ! I sold the butter, and took three dollars' worth of skates. Miss Pike, the milliner, said I ought to have a skating costume it wasn't properous to skate in a long-tailed gownd and crinoline. So one day I sot myself to work, and fixed one. I took a pan: of Joshua's red flannel drawers, and sot two rosettes of green ribbin onto the bottoms of 'em ; and then I took a yaller petticoat of mine, and sewed five rows of blue braid round the bottom of that ; my waist I made out of a red and brown plaid shawl, and for a cap I took one of Joshua's cast-off stovepipe hats, and cut it down a story. I tied a wide piece of red flannel around it, and pulled out an old crowers tail, and stuck that into the front of it. Joshua laffed at me, the master. He said I looked jest like an Injun squaw ; but as he never seed one, I dunno how he knowed. Sam Jellison sed he'd lam me how to do ; but I told him no ; I didn't want nobody a-handling me round, a-finding out whether I wore corsets or not. I didn't like the style. I guessed I could take keer of myself. I'd allers managed to. I'd took keer of myself through the jonders, and the dispepsy, and the collery jnorbus ; and I'd allers made my soap, and did my own cleaning, and I guessed I could skate without nobody's assistance. I didn't want no little upstarts a-holding onto me with one arm, and lafling at me in t'other sleeve at the same tune. Sam he whistled, and sed nothing. It's a dreadful hate- MRS. SMART LEARNS HOW TO SKATE. 89 fill way some folks have of insulting of ye that whistle of theirn. One Tuesday morning, bright and airly, I got my work out of the way, and dressing myself in my skating cos- tume, I took my skates hi one hand and a long pole to steady myself by hi the other, and set sail for the mill- pond. I shouldn't have dared to begin such an undertaking any day but Tuesday. Wednesday is allers a dreadful day for me ! Why, I've broke more'n ten dollars' worth of crockery Wednesdays ; and I've sot three hens Wednesdays, and one's eggs all addled, and one she got broke up afore she'd sot a week, and t'other one hatched out three chick- ens that was blind as bats, and never had no tail-feathers ! I went so airly, that I was hi hopes there wouldn't be no specklepertaters to see my fust attempt ; but lawful heart ! the pond was lined with 'em ! I felt rather down hi the mouth at the idea of trying my skill afore all them people, but I was too plucky to back out. I sot down on the ground, and strapped on my skates ; and grabbing my pole firmly hi both hands, I got onto the ice. The minnit I got on, I sot rite down flat, hi spite of all I could do, and it was as much as five minutes afore I could git up agin. And when I did my left foot begun for to run rite round t'other one, and I run rite round arter it. The fust thing I knowed my heels was up, and my head was down, and I thought it was night and all the stars hi the firmary was having a shooting-match. Sam Jellison he seed me fall and come and picked me up. Sam is dreadful attentive to me, because he's trying to shine my darter Betsey. I can see through it all. He wanted to help me stiddy myself; but I wouldn't let him, and started off upon the dog trot. I could run a good deal better than I could slide. I thought I'd go over on t'other side of the pond, where Miss Pike and some other friends of mine was ; and, sticking my long pole into the 90 MRS. SMART LEARNS HOW TO SKATE. airholes, I made out to get under way. And after I once got started, the difficulty was to stop myself. I went rite ahead like a steam injine down grade. I found it wasn't no use to flte against fate ; and, concluding that this was the fun of skating, I drawed up my pole and let it stick out each side of me, and sailed on. I had the wind in my back, and it filled my yeller petticoat so that it floated out afore me like the star spangled banner on the Fourth of July. I was a-coming to where the skaters were at it pretty thick ; but I didn't think to take my pole in, and the fust thing I knowed I was a mowing of 'em down with it, rite and left, as a two-hoss mowing-machine takes down the grass on a medder. The ice was lined with the ruins ! Muffs, and hoods, and gloves, and false teeth, and waterfalls, and rats, and mice, and curled hair, and men, and women, and little boys all mixed up together. You couldn't tell t'other from which ! Old Jim Pratt he went down among the rest ; and, as he went, the toe of his skate ketched into that beautiful braid on my yaller petticoat, and hi less'n a minnit tore it clean off and wound it all up among the understandings of all the scrabbling people. I was madder'n a hatter ! I riz my pole to let 'em have some ; but before I could strike, the strain on that illigant trimming upsot my equalibrius, and down I went, striking the back of my crannyrum so hard, that for a minnit I thought my skull bone was broke clean across ! It seemed as if I could hear the rough edges grate together. Just as I was a-rising to get up, along come a feller at a 2:40 rate, without any eyes into his head, I expect, for he didn't see me, but undertook to skate rite over me, and away he come, head fust, onto the ice, with a grunt that sounded like a pig's when he's just gwine to sleep after eating a whole pail of swill. I grabbed hold of his coat-tail to hist myself up by, and, DER WRECK OF DER HEZBERUS. 91 law sake ! the cloth parted like a cobweb, and left him with a short jacket on, and letting me back onto the ice harder than afore ! Sam Jellison he arrived jest at this minnit, and I didn't say nothing agin his helping of me. I felt as if I was nigh about played out. He esquarted me to the shore, with all that blue braid a-trailing after me. And when I'd got breath, he went up homo with me, and I heard him kiss Bets behind the pantry door. Wall, wall, young folks will be young folks, and 'tain't no use to try to hinder 'em. I was so sore for a week that I couldn't git my arms to my head without screeching, and I felt all over as if I'd been onjinted and jined onto another person's under- standings. As soon as I got better, though, I let Sam help me larn, and I can skate the master now. You never seed the beat ! It's the grandest exercise ! and so healthy ! I've friz both of my feet, and my nose, and my face has mostly peeled, and I've got the rhumatiz tremenjous ; but I've lamed to skate, and what do I keer ! "DEB WRECK OF DEB HEZBERUS." BEFORE LONGFELLOW. BY ES8E PHObTEB. It vas der goot shkiff Hezberus Dot paddled cross der pond, Und dare vas dare der slabber's gal, Of whom he vas so fond. Green vos her eyes as rammer peas, Her cheeks I cau't define, Her boozum brown like pretzel cakes, Her voice a vereful whine. Mit pibe in mouth der slabber sat, "Wrabbed in an old pea koad, TJnd vatched his daughter koff und shneeze Ven schmoke got down hur thread. 92 DER WKECK OF DER HEZBERTTS. Den up und spoke der paddle man, " Look 'ere, let's turn ride back, A schwan lives 'ere, der peebles say, Yat likes to peck und hack. So let's turn back, mem master dear, Und from this voyage refrain," Der skibber blew schmoke oud his pibe, Und schmiled mit grim dishdain. Den near und near der shkiff did got To vare dot schwan hung out, Until at last, mit telesgope, Dey shpied his head und snowt. Yel, down it schwam und shmote der shkiff Mit all its might und main, Und made it shump dree times its length, Und den shump back again. " Come 'ere ! come 'ere ! mein leedle gal, Und do not dremble so, For 1 can lick der biggest schwan Dot you to me can show." He wrabbed her in his old pea koad, His joy, his life, his soul, Und mit a piece of paper twine He lashed her to a pole. " Oh, dad, I hear der dinner bell ! I feel shust like grub-struck." " Vel, hold yer tongue now, Mary Ann, Und dry to bear your luck." " Oh, dad, I see dot schwan again ! He'll eat both you und me ;" But dad he answered not a vord, For stiff und fnzed was he. Den der goot girl she glasped her hands, Und through her frost-bit nose She said, "Now I avake to sleep," Dot she might not be froze. THE GENEROUS FRENCHMAN. 93 Und dare, through rain und hurrycane, TJnd through der schleet und schnow, Der maiden prayed und begged der schwan To pick up stakes und go. But no, he schwam up to der wreck, Und den der fun began, He knocked der fellers off der deck, But left shweed Mary Ann. He picked und pecked der Hezberus, Und lashed de pond to foam, Und made de poor, wee, loedle shkiff Look shust like honeycomb. Den by der board der long bean-pole Uud Mary Ann did go ; Und shust like lead der shkiff went down, Der schwan he roared, Ho ! ho ! * * * * At break of day, beside der pond, Poor Mary Ann vas found ; Her form vas cold un frozen stiff, Und to a bean-pole bound. Von hand vas cross her empty form, Serene und calm she lay ; For she vas gone vare she'll thaw out, Und vare you'll go some day. THE GENEROUS FRENCHMAN. A CELEBRATED HTTMOBOTJ8 BECITATION. " When I was in Londres, I go vun day into wat ze , Anglais call ze cafe", an I give ze order to ros me von docke ; ze Anglais ros ze docke ver well ; ven de docke was place before me I find him von very fine docke, and very well ros ; he was ver brown, ver full of ze stuff aux ognons, an ze flaveur was ver fine. I put ze fork into ze docke and I commence to cut ze docke, mais when I have 94 THE GENEBOUS FRENCHMAN. begin to cut ze docke I hear some person make loud strong noise comme fa Oh ! as if ze heart was break. I put down ze knife on ze plate, an I look roun to see who make ze noise comme pa Oh ! Ven I look roun I see right opposite to me von gentlman, who was ver well dress ; he ave ver good cote, ver good pantalon, and ver good boot, but he have dam leetle hat wiz a hole in ze top ; 1 no like dat, mais he was a gentlman ; ze noise could not be made by him, an I proceed to cut ze docke, mais, ven I ave proceed to cut ze docke ze second time, I hear une autre fois ze same noise, comme pa Oh ! plus forte, grate deal loudaire zan ze first time. I look roun, mais I see nobody but ze gentlman ; I look at ze gentlman, an ze gentlman look at me. He vas gentlman, for he ave ver good cote, ver good pantalon, and ver good boot, mais he ave leetle hat on ze head wiz a hole in ze top, an ze hair come out ; I no like dat, mais he vas gentlman. Eh bien ! I ave say to ze gentlman : 'Monsieur, pour quoiyou make comme pa Oh ! ?' and ze gentlman ave make me answer an say, ' Sare, I ave eat nosing for tree day, an I am ver hungry.' Mon Dieu, I say to myself, ze gentlman ave reason, he ave eat nosing for tree day. Sacre-bleu he must ave ver grate hungaire, an ven I ave say dis to myself I look at ze docke, he was ver fine docke, an ver well ros. Zen I say to myself ze seconde time, I shall give ze half of ze docke to ze gentlman, an zen I give ze invitation to ze gentlman, to partage ze docke wiz me. Ven ze gentlman ave receive ze invitation he rite way place himself vis a vis to me, an ma fois ! aussi quick as ze lightnin he ave eat ze hole of my doclce, quel faim ! Ze genthnan ave speak ze truf, he was ver hungry ! En verite, I should like to eat piece of my docke, mais ven I zink ze genthnan ave eat nosing for tree day, an as for me I ave dejeuner tres forte, I ring ze bell an I give ze order for a noser docke ; hi ze mean time, however, ze gentlman ave drink ze hole of my wine. Eh bien, I deman ze oder bouteille, an zen ze oser THE GENEROUS FBENCHMAH. 95 docke come ; ver fine docke, mais not so good as ze last, n'importe, ze docke was ver good, mais dis time I ave cut ze docke for me, an ze gentlman ave got ze oser piece, he was so hungry, quel dommage, so mooch a gentlman, so well he dress. He ave ver good cote, ver good pantalou, an ver good boot, mais ze dam leetle hat wiz ze hole in ze top ; I no like dat, but he was gentlman. Eh bien, apres ?a ze gentlman was satisfy he ave eat nearly ze two docke, an I was satisfy, an ven I ave settle ze conte ze lanlor was satisfy aussi ; an zen I ave say to ze gentlman, ' Monsieur, I sail ave ze plaisir to see you some oser time, demain chez vous, at your house,' and ze gentlman he make grate noise, un autre fois for ze zurd tune, comme ?a Oh ! an he say to me, ' Sare, I ave no house.' Eh bien ! I reply to him, vare do you slip ? an he say to me, ' Sare, I slip in ze street.' I say to myself, wat great pitie such hansome gentlman slip in ze street ; an zen I look at him again, an I know he is gentlman, he ave such ver good cote, such ver good pantalon, an such ver good boot, but zen I see ze dam leetle hat wiz ze hole in ze top, I no like dat ! but he was gentlman. Nevare min, I shall take ze gentlman chez moi to my house ! he shall not slip in ze street ! So I give him ze invitation to go to my house, which he ave accept with great plaisir. Ven I ave take him chez moi I make hi ze corner what ze Anglais call ze shake-down shake-up ! an ze gentlman commence already to take off ze close. Pour la premiere he ave put ze dam leetle hat wiz 20 hole in ze top on ze chair, I no like dat, so when he ave turn his back, I give it von leetle kick under ze bed and nevare say nosing ; ze gentlman zen take off ze cote, ver good cote ver good cote indeed ! an he take off ze panta- lon, ver fine pantalon, ver good pantalon oui, ver good ! an zen he take off ze boot, ah ma foi, zey were good boot, ver fine boot indeed, an ze gentlman ho go to slip. Eh bien, c'est fine, I ave nosing else to do, I go to slip aussi, an I nevaire hear nosing at all toute la mm ; I mus have 96 THE GENEROUS FRENCHMAN. slip ver well. In ze morning, ver early, & la bonne heure, I rub my eyes an fine myself wake up ; I put ze head out of ze bed an I look for my compagnon, mais ze gentlman I no see him, no doute he slip very mooch hard, he have grand fatigue, he slip all ze time in ze street, I ave grate compassion for him ; so I turn on ze oser side an I make ze second tune wat ze Anglais call ze leetle nappe, not ze ' nappe Franpaise/ mais ze ' nappe Anglaise ;' chose tres differente je vous assure. Eh bien, ven I ave rub ze eye ze second time, I fin it was ten o'clock of ze watch and I say to ze gentlman who have slip in ze corner all ze nite, ' Mon- sieur, levez vous ! it is time to get up,' an ze gentlman ave make no response, an zin I get up myself an I look in ze corner, mais I fin nosing ; ze gentlman was gone. Ah ha ! I say to myself, ze gentlman was tres reconnaissant, he ave ver mooch gratitude, he mus ave wake up an he fin me slip ver good, he no like to make ze noise to disturb me ; I ave no dout he will come back ven he zink I ave wake up, an he will make me grate zank for my kindness to him zat he did not slip in ze street. Oh, he is such gentlman, he ave such ver good cote, such fine pantalon, and such ver good boot. Ven I say zis to myself I zink make my toilette, an I put on my boot, ver good boot, mais, wat it is zey are not my boot ! ver good boot indeed ver good boot ! mais zey are not my boot. Ah nevaire min, it is mistake, ze gentlman ave made mistake, he get up so early in ze morning an ave made ze mistake in ze dark. Eh bien, he will soon return and make ze grand apologie, for he is so mooch gentlman oh oui, he is gentlman, he ave ver good cote, ver good pantalon, an ze boot are ver good aussi not so good as mine, mais zey are ver good. In ze mean time I zink comme ca to myself, an I look roun for my pantalon ; oh zey are zere. I put on ze pantalon, mais que diable ! I feel in ze poches 1 , oui, bigar zey are not my pantalon ver fine ! oui, ver fine pantalon, mais zey are not my pantalon. Ah 'tis ver plain, ze gentlman THE GENEROUS FRENCHMAN. 97 ave made anoser mistake, an ave take my pantalon, an zink zey are his pantalon ; nevaire min ! nevaire min ! he will fine out ze mistake bomby when he fine ze monnaie in ze poche, he will be ver sorry, for he is gentlman, he ave such ver good cote, ver good pantalon, an ver good boot ; oh oui, he is gentlman, j'en suis sure. Vile I zink so to myself I look at ze watch, an I fine him leven o'clock of ze mornin ; I tink it is time to break ze faste, I am ver hungry, so I put on my ze debil ! what I have here ? ver fine cote, mais, oui, it is not my cote no it is not my cote ! Ze gentlman ave make un autre fois, a noser gran mistake, he av take my cote an lef me his cote, it was ver good cote ver good cote indeed ! mais it was not my cote. J'en suis fach6 ; ven ze gentlman ave fine it out he will be mooch mortify zat he ave take my cote. Ah mon Dieu ! I ave grate pitie for him, he was such gentlman, I am sure he was gentlman, he ave such ver good cote, such fine pan- talon, and euch ver good boot ! Oh certainement he was gentlman, I nevaire make ze mistake, I know ze gentlman an he was gentlman, I know he will come back ; an zen I wait for him von hour by ze clock, an I zink to myself, bigar I ave ze gran rumble in ze stomac, an I feel ver hungere as if I ave eat nosing for tree day like ze gentlman, who I ave no doubt ave wait all zis time at ze cafd for me. Ah quel stupide ! I nevaire zink of zat before, an I look for my hat. It is not on ze table, no ! it is not on ze restez ! qu'avons nous ici f Who put my hat under ze bed ? my new hat ! I ave jus buy him, an ave jus pay von guinea for him. Venez ! I go on ze knee. Ah ha ! I ave got him, by ze ear. Venez ici done, rodeur ! Wat ze debil I got' here! Heinf Sacre-bleu ! mille tonnerress ! ze leetle hat wiz ze hole in ze top, bigar ! I no like dat, ze gentlman ave made von gran mistake dis time, an I no like dat. Mais he was gentlman, he ave such ver good cote, such ver fine pantalon, and such good boot, mais I no like ze dam leetle hat wiz ze Jwle in ze top. No ! Mais he was gentlman." 98 THE FRENCHMAN AND THE FLEA POWDEK. THE FRENCHMAN AND THE FLEA POWDER. A FAVORITE COMIO RECITATION. A Frenchman once so runs a certain ditty Had crossed the Straits to famous London city, To get a living by the arts of France, And teach his neighbor, rough John Bull, to dance. But, lacking pupils, vain was all his skill ; His fortunes sank from low to lower still ; Until at last pathetic to relate Poor Monsieur landed at starvation's gate. Standing, one day, beside a cook-shop door, And gazing in, with aggravation sore, He mused within himself what he should do To fill his empty maw, and pocket too. By nature shrewd, he soon contrived a plan, And thus to execute it straight began : A piece of common brick he quickly found, And with a harder stone to powder ground, Then wrapped the dust in many a dainty piece Of paper, labelled " Poison for de Fleas," And sallied forth, his roguish trick to try, To show his treasures, and to see who'd buy. From street to street he cried, with lusty yell, " Here's grand and sovereign flea poudare to sell I" And fickle Fortune seemed to smile at last, For soon a woman hailed him as he passed, Struck a quick bargain with him for the lot, And made him five crowns richer on the spot. Our wight, encouraged by this ready sale, "Went into business on a larger scale ; And soon, throughout all London, scattered he The " only genuine poudare for de flea." Engaged, one morning, in his new vocation Of mingled boasting and dissimulation, He thought he heard himself in anger called ; And, sure enough, the self-same woman bawled In not a mild or very tender mood From the same window where before she stood. ISAAC ROSENTHAL ON THE CHINESE QUESTION. 99 " Hey, there," said she, " you Monsher Powder-man ! Escape my clutches now, sir, if you can ; I'll let you dirty, thieving Frenchmen know That decent people won't be cheated so." Then spoke Monsieur, and heaved a saintly sigh, "With humble attitude and tearful eye : " Ah, Madame ! s'il vous plait, attendez vous, I vill dis leetle ting explain to you ; My poudare gran' ! magnifique ! why abuse him T Aha ! I show you how to use him ; First, you must wait until you catch de flea : Den, tickle he on de petite rib, you see ; And when he laugh aha ! he ope his throat ; Den poke de poudare down ! EEGAR ! HE CHOKE." ISAAC ROSENTHAL ON THE CHINESE QUESTION. ADAPTED FBOM AN ARTICLE IN "BCKIBNEB'S MONTHLY." At the time that Congress was debating upon the bill restricting immigration from China, I was endeavoring to gather from various sources the general opinion of the public on the question. Mr. Rosenthal, who was proprietor of a clothing store in Avenue A, had been mentioned to me as an unusually in- telligent German Hebrew, and I met him at the door of his store looking out for customers. As I paused for a moment he addressed me thus : " Gome righd in, mein h'ebe Heir ! Don'd mind dot leedle tog. He vill not pide you. I geeb him to trive avay de bad leedle poy in de sthreed. You like to puy zome very coot glothingf I can zell you dot goat for Nein? Teufel! Id is not dot? So! And you vant to speak to me aboud de Shinamen ? Veil, I dell you dot you gome yust to de righd blace. You bedder don'd go no furder. You yust gome in de back shtore, you take ein glas bier, you smoke eiu gut zigar no, not dot I call JOO HANS BREITM ANN'S PARTY. him real Havana, bud I make him up-shtairs. I gif you a bedder one as dot. So! I lighd him for you. Now I shpeag mit you aboud dem Shinamen, und you put vat I say in de baber, pecause de bublic ought to know vat bad bcobles dey ish. I keeb last year ein kleine shop mit mem bruder hish name is Zolomon and ve haf yust as coot glothes as dem dot you zee dere, and von day dere gome in ein, zwei, drei Shinamen, and zay to me, 'How do, John ?' and I dell him dot my name ish not John ; but he only laugh. Den he zay, ' You got some coot glothes, John ? S'pose hab got, mi likee see.' I haf such vay of shpeaking nefer heard, but I can a leedle uudershtand, and I t'ink dot he vill not know a coot goad ven he zee id, and I show him some dot ish not of the brime qualidy, and vill not last so long as dot kind as I show you, and I sharge him a coot brice, and he look at him, and dry him on, and I dell him dot id vill him very veil fit. Und den dish great rasgal he say to me dot he has not much money got, but some leedle box of very coot tea, und he make a pargain and shwop mit me. Und I t'ink dot I make mit him a coot drade, und I give him the goat, and dake de dea ; and he say, ' Chin chin, John,' and go out, and I don'd never see him no more. Und vat you tink ? ven I open dot dea, I find him one inch coot, and below dot nod- ing but yust rubbish, and some schmall bieces of iron to make him heavy. Und so, mein liebe Herr, you can de reason undershtand dot I like not to have dot Shinese beobles gome to New York." HANS BBEITMANN'S PARTY. BY CHARLES G. Hans Breitmann gife a barty dey had piano blayin'. I fell'd in lofe mit a Merican frau ; her name vas Madilda Tane. She hat haar as prown ash a pretzel, her eyes vas himmel-blne, And ven dey looket indo mine she shplit mine heart in two. . CAPTAIN HURRICANE JONES ON THE MIRACLES. 101 Hans Breitmann gife a barty I vent dero, you'll pe pound. I valzct rnit der Madilda Tane, uud vent shpinnen' round und round. De pootiest fraeulein in de house ; she vayed 'pout dwo hocndert pound, TJnd efery dime she gife a shoomp she make the vindows sound. Hans Breitmann gife a barty I dells you it cost him dear. Dey rollt in more as sefen kegs of foost-rate lager bier, Und fenefer dey knocks de shpickets in de Deutschers gifes a cheer. I diuks dat so fine a barty nefer come to a hed dis year. Hans Breitmann gife a barty : dere all vas Sause and Brause. Ven de sooper coomed in, de gompany did make demselfs to house. Dey ate das Brod und Gensy broost, de Bratwurst und Braten fine, TJnd vash deir Abendessen down mit four barrels of Neckar wein. Hans Breitmann gife a barty ve all cot troonk ass bigs. I pool mine niout' to a parrel of bier und emtied it oop mit a schwigs. TJnd den I gissed Madilda Tane und she schlog me on de kop, TJnd de gompany filed mit daple legs till de coonshtable made oos shtop. Hans Breitmann gife a barty where ish dat barty now? Where is de lofely golten cloud dat float on de moundain's prow ? "Where is de himtnelstrahlende Stern, de star of de shpirits' light ? All goned afay mit de lager bier, afay in de ewigkeit. CAPTAIN HURRICANE JONES ON THE MIRACLES. FBOM THE ATLANTIC MONTHLY. BY MARK TWAIN. There was a good deal of pleasant gossip about old Captain " Hurricane " Jones, of the Pacific Ocean, peace to his ashes ! Two or three of us present had known him ; I particularly well, for I had made four sea- voyages with him. He was a very remarkable man. He was born in a ship ; he picked up what little education he had among his 102 CAPTAIN HURRICANE JONES ON THE MIRACLES. shipmates ; he began life in the forecastle, and climbed grade by grade to the captaincy. More than fifty years of his sixty -five were spent at sea. He had sailed all oceans, seen all lands, and borrowed a tint from all climates. When a man has been fifty years at sea, he necessarily knows nothing of men, nothing of the world but its sur- face, nothing of the world's thought, nothing of the world's learning but its ABC, and that blurred and distorted by the unfocused lenses of an untrained mind. Such a man is only a gray and bearded child. That is what old Hurri- cane Jones was simply an innocent, lovable old infant. When his spirit was in repose, he was as sweet and gentle as a girl ; when his wrath was up, he was a hurricane that made his nickname seem tamely descriptive. He was for- midable in a fight, for he was of powerful build and daunt- less courage. He was frescoed from head to heel with pictures and mottoes tattooed in red and blue India ink. I was with him one voyage when he got his last vacant space tattooed. This vacant space was around his left ankle. During three days he stumped about the ship with his ankle bare and swollen, and this legend gleaming red and angry out from a clouding of India ink : " Virtue is its own R'd." (There was a lack of room.) He was deeply and sincerely pious, and swore like a fish- woman. He con- sidered swearing blameless, because sailors would not under- stand an order unillumined by it. He was a profound Biblical scholar that is, he thought he was. He believed everything in the Bible, but he had his own methods of arriving at his beliefs. He was of the " advanced " school of thinkers, and applied natural laws to the interpretation of all miracles, somewhat on the plan of the people who make the six days of creation six geological epochs, and so forth. Without being aware of it, he was a rather severe satire on modern scientific religionists. Such a man as I have been describing is rabidly fond of disquisition and argument j one knows that without being told it. CAPTAIN HURRICANE JONES ON THE MIRACLES. 103 One trip the captain had a clergyman on board, but did not know he was a clergyman, since the passenger list did not betray the fact. He took a great liking to this Rev. Mr. Peters, and talked with him a great deal : told him yarns, gave him toothsome scraps of personal history, and wove a glittering streak of profanity through his garrulous fabric that was refreshing to a spirit weary of the dull neutralities of undecorated speech. One day the captain said, " Peters, do you ever read the Bible ?" " Well yes." "I judge it ain't often, by the way you say it. Now you tackle it in dead earnest once, and you'll find it'll pay. Don't you get discouraged, but hang right on. First you won't understand it ; but by and by things will begin to clear up, and then you wouldn't lay it down to eat." " Yes, I have heard that said." " And it's so, too. There ain't a book that begins with it. It lays over 'em all, Peters. There's some pretty tough things in it, there ain't any getting around that ; but you stick to them and think them out, and when once you get on the inside everything's plain as day." ' ' The miracles, too, captain f " " Yes, sir ! the miracles, too. Every one of them. Now, there's that business with the prophets of Baal; like enough that stumped you f " " Well, I don't know but" " Own up, now ; it stumped you. Well, I don't wonder. You hadn't had any experience in raveling such things out, and naturally it was too many for you. Would you like to have me explain that thing to you, and show you how to get at the meat of these matters ?" " Indeed I would, captain, if you don't mind." Then the captain proceeded as follows : " I'll do it with pleasure. First, you see, I read and read, and thought and thought, till I got to understand what sort of people they were in the old Bible times, and then after that it 104 CAPTAIN HURRICANE JONES ON THE MIRACLES. was all clear and easy. Now this was the way I put it up, concerning Isaac* and the prophets of Baal. There was some mighty sharp men amongst the public characters of that old ancient day, and Isaac was one of them. Isaac had his failings, plenty of them, too; it ain't for me to apologize for Isaac ; he played it on the prophets of Baal, and like enough he was justifiable, considering the odds that was against him. No ; all I say is 't wa'n't any miracle, and that I'll show you so's 't you can see it your- self. " Well, times had been getting rougher and rougher for prophets that is, prophets of Isaac's denomination. There was four hundred and fifty prophets of Baal in the com- munity, and only one Presbyterian that is, if Isaac was a Presbyterian, which I reckon he was, but it don't say. Naturally, the prophets of Baal took all the trade. Isaac was very low-spirited, I reckon ; but he was a good deal of a man, and no doubt he went a-prophesying around, letting on to be doing a land-office business, but 7 t wa'n't any use ; he couldn't run any opposition to amount to any- thing. By and by things got desperate with him ; he sets his head to work and thinks it all out, and then what does he do ? Why, he begins to throw out hints that the other parties are this and that and t'other, nothing very defi- nite, may be, but just kind of undermining their reputation in a quiet way. This made talk, of course, and finally got to the king. The king asked Isaac what he meant by his talk. Says Isaac, 'Oh, nothing particular; only, can they pray down fire from heaven on an altar ? It ain't much, may be, your majesty, only can they do it ? That's the idea.' So the king was a good deal disturbed, and he went to the prophets of Baal, and they said, pretty airy, that if he had an altar ready, they were ready ; and they inti- mated he better get it insured, too. * This is the captain's own mistake. CAPTAIN HURRICANE JONES ON THE MIRACLES. 105 " So next morning all the children of Israel and their parents and the other people gathered themselves together. Well, here was that great crowd of prophets of Baal packed together on one side, and Isaac walking up and down all alone on the other, putting up his joh. When time was called, Isaac let on to be comfortable and indifferent ; told the other team to take the first innings. So they went at it, the whole four hundred and fifty, praying around the altar, very hopeful, and doing their level best. They prayed an hour two hours three hours and so on, plumb till noon. It wa'n't any use ; they hadn't took a trick. Of course they felt kind of ashamed before all those people, and well they might. Now, what would a magnanimous man do f Keep still, wouldn't he ? Of course. What did Isaac do ? He graveled the prophets of Baal every way he could think of. Says he, ' You don't speak up loud enough ; your god's asleep, like enough, or may be he's taking a walk; you want to holler, you know,' or words to that effect ; I don't recollect the exact language. Mind, I don't apologize for Isaac he had his faults. " Well, the prophets of Baal prayed along the best they knew how all the afternoon, and never raised a spark. At last, about sundown, they were all tuckered out, and they owned up and quit. " What does Isaac do now ? He steps up and says to some friends of his, there, ' Pour four barrels of water on the altar !' Everybody was astonished ; for the other side had prayed at it dry, you know, and got whitewashed. They poured it on. Says he, 'Heave on four more barrels.' Then he says, ' Heave on four more.' Twelve barrels, you see, altogether. The water ran all over the altar, and all down the sides, and filled up a trench around it that would hold a couple of hogsheads ' measures,' it says ; I reckon it means about a hogshead. Some of the people were go- ing to put on their things and go, for they allowed he was crazy. They didn't know Isaac. Isaac knelt down and 106 SHOO FLIES. began to pray : he strung along, and strung along, about the heathen in distant lands, and about the sister churches, and about the state and the country at large, and about those that's in authority hi the government, and all the usual programme, you know, till everybody had got tired and gone to thinking about something else, and then, all of a sudden, when nobody was noticing, he outs with a match and rakes it on the under side of his leg, and pff ! up the whole thing blazes like a house afire! Twelve barrels of water ? Petroleum, sir PETKOLEUM 1 that's what it was !" "Petroleum, captain?" " Yes, sir ; the country was full of it. Isaac knew all about that. You read the Bible. Don't you worry about the tough places. They ain't tough when you come to think them out and throw light on them. There ain't a thing in the Bible but what is true ; all you want is to go prayerfully to work and cipher out how 7 t was done." SHOO FLIES. AS BECITED BY VON BOTLE. Dose efening clouds vas sedding fast, As a young mans drough der fillage passed, Shkating along mid shtorm and hail, Mit dese vords tied by his coat-tail Shoo Flies. " Oh, don't go oudt such a night like dose I" His niudder cried : " you vill got froze ; Dot Shack Frost he vill nip your ear : " He only answered mit a shneer Shoo Flip. " Come pack, come pack," der oldt man said: " Come here, und eadt dis biece of pread." He yest looked down, und hofe a sigh, I vas a hunkey boy mit a glass eye Shoo Strings. A DUTCHMAN'S ANSWER. 107 Higher und higher dot young mans vent ; For der shtorms he didn't core a cent. He flipped de shnow off his nose und ear, Und dese vords vas heard, so shtill und clear Shoe Tacks. In about a veek, or maype more, Der people heard an awful roar, Dot sounded loud und far und vide, Von vay up of der moundaiu side Shoemaker! Two mens vos oudt a-shooting shnipes, TJnd voile dey shtopped to shmoke der bipes, Und vhen dey happened to look around, Dey saw dot shticking from de ground Kalamazoo! A DUTCHMAN'S ANSWER. Bill Jones was going to get married a day or two ago, and he forgot whar de minister libed ; so he started to find him out, so as to hab him come to de house an' perform de marriage ceremony. So arter getting along down de road for two or free miles, he became fearful ob gettin' on de wrong track. So he says to a big Dutchman : " I say, can you tell me where Mr. Swackelhammer, de preacher, lives?" and de Dutchman said, " Yaw. You just valk de road up to de creek, an' down de pritch over up shtreme, den you just go on till you cum to a road what vinds de woots around a school-house ; but you don't take dat road. Veil, den, you go on till you meet a pig-pen shingled mit straw, den you durn de road round do field, and go on till you come to pig red house. Den you turn dat house around de barn, and see a road dat goes up in do woots. Den you don't take dat road too. Den you go straight on, and de fust house you meet is a hay-stack, and de next is a bar- rack. Vel, he don't live dere. Den you will get a little 108 THE FRENCHMAN Am) THE HATS. furder, and you see a house on top de hill, about a mile, and you go in dere an' ax de old voman, an' she will tell you bedder as I can." THE FRENCHMAN AND THE BATS. A CELEBRATED COMIC RECITATION. A Frenchman once, who was a merry wight, Passing to town from Dover in the night, Near the road-side an ale-house chanced to spy ; And being rather tired as well as dry, Resolved to enter ; but first he took a peep, In hopes a supper he might get, and cheap. He enters : " Hallo ! Garcon, if you please, Bring me a leetle bread and cheese. And hallo ! Garcon, a pot of portar, too !" he said, " Vich I shall take, and den myself to bed." His supper done, some scraps of cheese were left, Which our poor Frenchman, thinking it no theft, Into his pocket put; then slowly crept To wished-for bed ; but not a wink he slept For on the floor some sacks of flour were laid, To which the rats a nightly visit paid. Our hero, now undressed, popped cut the light, Put on his cap, and bade the world good-night ; But first his breeches, which contained the fare, Under his pillow he had placed with care. Sans cere'monie soon the rats all ran, And on the flour-sacks greedily began ; At which they gorged themselves ; then smelling round, Under the pillow soon the cheese they found : And while at this they regaling sat, Their happy jaws disturbed the Frenchman's nap ; Who, half awake, cries out, " Hallo ! hallo ! Yat is datnibbel at my pillow so t Ah ! 'tis one big huge rat ! Yat de diable is it he nibbel, nibbel at ?" In vain our little hero sought repose ; Sometimes the vermin galloped o'er his nose ; HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIND. 109 And such the pranks they kept up all the night That he, on end antipodes upright, Bawling aloud, called stoutly for a light. "Hallo ! Maison ! Garcon, I say ! Bring me the bill for vat I have to pay !" The bill was brought, and to his great surprise, Ten shillings was the charge ; he scarce believes his eyes ; with eager haste he runs it o'er, And every time he viewed it thought it more. " Vy zounds and zounds !" he cries, " I sail no pay ; Vat, charge ten shelangs for vat I have mange t A lee tie sup of portar, dis vile bed Vare all de rats do run about my head f ' " Plague on those rats !" the landlord muttered out ; I wish, upon my word, that I could make 'em scout ; I'll pay him well that can." " Vat's dat you say t" 4 ' III pay him well that can." " Attend to me, I pray ; Vill you dis charge forego, vat I am at, If from your house I drive away de rat f " " With all my heart," the jolly host replies ; " Ecoutez done, ami," the Frenchman cries. " First, den Regardez, if you please, Bring to this spot a leetal bread and cheese ; Eh bien ! a pot of portar, too ; And den invite de rats to sup vid you. And after dat no matter dey be villing For vat dey eat, you charge dem jest ten shelang. And I am sure, ven dey behold de score, Dey'll quit your house, and never come no more." HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIND. DUTCH DLltLECT OTOBT. In Germantown, near Philadelphia, several years ago, a native, simple-minded Dutchman, named Jacob Schneider, kept a liquor and lager-bier saloon. Jacob was not only fond of drinking lager with his customers, but would not refuse either corn-juice, red-eye, or Jersey lightning, when asked to imbibe thereof hi a social way the customer, of 110 HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIND. course, paying an extra half-dime for Jacob's drink. One would not suppose that this friendly habit could, by any possibility, bring trouble and vexation upon honest Jacob, but it did, as we shall presently show. One eventful night it was observed that Schneider had shut up his saloon and gone home full an hour earlier than usual. Being asked, next day, what was the matter, he told the following droll story : " I shut up mine blace pecause I vas mat as ter tyfel, and vas humpugged into der pargain. I'll tell you 'pout it. Yer see, dree or four young shcamps gomes into mine sa- loon, and one says to me, 'Yacob, you got some fresh lager ?' I says ' yaas,' and I draws der lager ; anoder von says he vants gards, and I prings de gards, and da blays gards. Pimeby noder says, ' Yacob, old poy, let's have some ret-eye ; and mind you, Yacob, pring an extra glass for yourself.' Veil den, I prings der pottle of ret-eye, and da drinks two dree dimes, and I drinks mit 'em two dree dimes ; and I gets so tarn trunk dat I lies down on der pench and goes to shleep. Ven I vakes up, der room ish dark as der tyfel, put I hears der young chaps calling der gards ; von says, ' bass !' nodder says, ' left power ! right power !' den nodder von, he says, ' uker'd,' and shwears like a drooper. Da vas all blaying at der taple, shust as da vas ven I goes to shleep, but mine eyes vas nix I could shust see netting at all the room vas bitch dark. So I dinks I vas plind, and I feel pad, and I cry out, ' 0, mine Gott ! I p'lieve I'm shtruck plind !' Den der young chaps leaves der table and gomes vhere I vas, and makes pleeve da very sorry. One says, ' Poor Yacob ! you no can see vat viil der poor man's vamerly do !' Nodder call me poor cuss, and says I no pusiness to trink noding stronger dan lager. I got mat den mat as dunder and I says to him, 1 Vy, den, you vants me to drink it mit you ? I pleeve you put shtuff la der liquor to make me plind !' Den he laughs at me, and says I needn't trink if Idid'ntpe a mind MONSIEUR TONSOff. Ill to. Shust den von little poy gomes to der door mit a lantern, and I finds out der drick da vas blaying me I see shust as goot as ever ! Der rascals had plow out der lights and make p'leeve play uker to vool me ! I told 'em twas all hurnpug, and they petter glear out, for I vouldn't light up no more. Dat's vat mine shaloon vas shut up for." MONSIEUR TONSON. AFAVOBITE BECITATION. FBENCH DIALECT. BY JOHN TATLOB. There lived, as Fame reports, in days of yore, At least some fifty years ago or more, A pleasant wight on town, yclept Tom King A fellow that was clever at a joke, Expert in all the arts to tease and smoke ; In short, for strokes of humor quite the thing. To many a jovial club this King was known, "With whom his active wit unrivalled shone ; Choice spirit, grave free-mason, buck and blood, "Would crowd, his stories and bon-mots to hear, And none a disappointment e'er could fear, His humor flowed in such a copious flood. To him a frolic was a high delight : A frolic he would hunt for, day and night, Careless how prudence on the sport might frown. If e'er a pleasant mischief sprang to view, At once o'er hedge and ditch away he flew, JNor left the game till he had run it down. One night our hero, rambling with a friend, Near famed St. Giles's chanced his course to bend, Just by that spot the Seven Dials hight. 'Twas silence all around, and clear the coast, The watch, as usual, dozing on his post, And scarce a lamp displayed a twinkling light. Around this place there lived the numerous clans Of honest, plodding, foreign artisans, H2 MONSIEUR TONSON. Known at that time by name of refugees. The rod of persecution from their home Compelled the inoffensive race to roam, And here they lighted, like a swarm of bees. "Well ! our two friends were sauntering through the street, In hopes some food for humor soon to meet, When in a window near, a light they view; And, though a dim and melancholy ray, It seemed the prologue to some merry play, So towards the gloomy dome our hero drew. Straight at the door he gave a thundering knock (The time we may suppose near two o'clock). " I'll ask," said King, " if Thompson lodges here." " Thompson," cries t'other, " who the devil's he ' " I know not," King replies, " but want to see "What kind of animal will now appear." After some time a little Frenchman came ; One hand displayed a rushlight's trembling flame, The other held a thing they called culotte ; An old striped woolen nightcap graced his head, A tattered waistcoat o'er one shoulder spread ; Scarce half awake he heaved a yawning note. Though thus untimely roused he courteous smiled, And soon addressed our wag in accents mild, Bending his head politely to his knee : " Pray, sare, vat vant you, dat you come so late ? I beg your pardon, sare, to make you vait ; Pray tell me, sare, vat your commands vid me V " Sir," replied King, " I merely thought to know, As by your house I chanced to-night to go (But, really, I disturbed your sleep, I fear), I say, I thought that you perhaps could tell, Among the folks who in this quarter dwell, If there's a Mr. Thompson lodges here." The shivering Frenchman, though not pleased to find The business of this unimportant kind, Too simple to suspect 'twas meant in jeer, MONSIEUR TONSOff. 113 Shrugged out a sigh that thus his rest was broke, Then, with unaltered courtesy, he spoke : " No, sare, no Monsieur Tonson lodges here." Our wag begged pardon and toward home he sped, While the poor Frenchman crawled again to bed. But King resolved not thus to drop the jest; So, the next night, with more of whim than'grace, Again he made a visit to the place, To break once more the poor old Frenchman's rest. He knocked but waited longer than before ; No footstep seemed approaching to the door ; Our Frenchman lay in such a sleep profound. King with the knocker thundered then again, Firm on his post determined to remain ; And oft, indeed, he made the door resound. At last King hears him o'er the passage creep, "Wondering what fiend again disturbed his sleep ; The wag salutes him with a civil leer; Thus drawling out to heighten the surprise, While the poor Frenchman rubbed his heavy eyes, " Is there a Mr. Thompson lodges here t" The Frenchman faltered with a kind of fright, " Vy, sare, I'm sure I told you, sare, last night," (And here he labored with a sigh sincere), " No Monsieur Tonson in the varld I know, No Monsieur Tonson here I told you so ; Indeed, sare, dare no Monsieur Tonson here !" Some more excuses tendered, off King goes, And the old Frenchman sought once more repose. The rogue next night pursued his old career. 'Twas long indeed before the man came nigh, And then ho uttered in a piteous cry, " Sare, 'pon my soul, no Monsieur Tonson here V Our sportive wight his usual visit paid, And the next night came forth a prattling maid, Whose tongue, indeed, than any Jack went faster ; Anxious, she strove his errand to inquire, 114 MONSIEUR TONSON. He said 't was vain her pretty tongue to tire, He should not stir till he had seen her master. The damsel then began, in doleful state, The Frenchman's broken slumbers to relate, And begged he'd call at proper time of day. King told her she must fetch her master down, A chaise was ready, he was leaving town, But first had much of deep concern to say. Thus urged, she went the snoring man to call, And long, indeed, was she obliged to bawl, Ere she could rouse the torpid lump of clay. At last he wakes ; he rises ; and he swears ; But scarcely had he tottered down the stairs, "When King attacked him in his usual way. The Frenchman now perceived 'twas all in vain To his tormentor mildly to complain. And straight in rage began his crest to rear : " Sare, vat the devil make you treat me so ? Sare, I inform you, sare, tree nights ago, Got dam I swear, no Monsieur Tonson here P True as the night, King went, and heard a strife Between the harassed Frenchman and his wife, Which would descend to chase the fiend away. At length, to join their forces they agree, And straight impetuously they turn the key, Prepared with mutual fury for the fray. Our hero, with the firmness of a rock, Collected to receive the mighty shock, Uttering the old inquiry, calmly stood. The name of Thompson raised the storm so high, He deemed it then the safest plan to fly, "With " "Well, I'll call when you're in gentler mood." In short, our hero, with the same intent, Full many a night to plague the Frenchman went, So fond of mischief was the wicked wit. They throw out water ; for the watch they call ; But King, expecting, still escapes from all. Monsieur at last was forced his house to quit. I VASH SO GLAD I VASH HERE. 115 It happened that our wag about this time On some fair prospect sought the Eastern clime ; Six lingering years were there his tedious lot. At length, content amid his ripening store, He treads again on Britain's happy shore, And his long absence is at once forgot. To London with impatient hope he flies, And the same night, as former freaks arise, He fain must stroll, the well-known haunt to trace. " Ah, here's the scene of frequent mirth," he said ; " My poor old Frenchman, I suppose, is dead ; Egad, I'll knock, and see who holds the place." "With rapid strokes he makes the mansion roar, And while he eager eyes the opening door, Lo ! who obeys the knocker's rattling peal T "Why, e'en our little Frenchman, strange to say ! He took his old abode that very day Capricious turn of sportive Fortune's wheel ! "Without one thought of the relentless foe, "Who, fiend-like, haunted him so long ago. Just in his former trim he now appears ; The waistcoat and the nightcap seemed the same ; "With rushlight, as before, he creeping came, And King's detested voice astonished hears. As if some hideous spectre struck his sight, His senses seemed bewildered with affright, His face, indeed, bespoke a heart full sore ; Then starting, he exclaimed hi rueful strain, " Begar ! here's Monsieur Tonson come again !" Away he ran, and ne'er was heard of more. I VASH SO G-LAH I VASH HERE. A HUMOROUS RECITATION. One who does not believe in immersion for baptism was holding a protracted meeting, and one night preached on the subject of baptism. In the course of his remarks he said that some believe it necessary to go down in the wa- 116 I VASH SO GLAD I VASH HBEE. ter, and come up out of it, to be baptized. But this he claimed to be fallacy, for the preposition " into " of the Scriptures should be rendered differently, as it does not mean into at all times. " Moses," he said, " we are told, went up into the mountain ; and the Saviour was taken up into a high mountain, etc. Now we do not suppose either went into a mountain, but went unto it. So with going down into the water; it means simply going down close by or near to the water, and being baptized in the ordinary way, by sprinkling or pouring." He carried this idea out fully, and in due season closed his discourse, when an invitation was given for any one so disposed to rise and express his thoughts. Quite a number of his brethren arose and said they were glad they had been present on this occasion, that they were well pleased with the sound sermon they had just heard, and felt their souls greatly blessed. Finally, a corpulent gentleman of Teutonic extrac- tion, a stranger to all, arose and broke the silence that was almost painful, as follows : ''Mister Breacher, I is so glad I vash here to-night, for I has had explained to my mint some dings dat I never could pelief before. Oh, I is so glad dat into does not mean into at all, but shust close py or near to, for now I can pelief many dings vot I could not pelief pefore. We reat, Mr. Breacher, dat Taniel vos cast into de ten of li ons, and came out alife. Now I neffer could pelief dat, for wilt peasts would shust eat him right off; but now it is fery clear to my mint. He vash shust close py or near to, and tid not get into de ten at all. Oh, I ish so glad I vash here to-night. Again we reat dat de Heprew children vas cast into de firish furnace, and dat always look like a beeg story too, for they would have been purnt up; but it ish all blain to my mint now, for dey was shust cast py or close to de firish furnace. Oh, I vas so glad I vash here to- night. And den, Mr. Breacher, it ish said dat Jonah vash cast into de sea, and taken into de whale's pelly. VAT YOU PLEASE. 117 Now I neffer could pelief dat. It alwish seemed to me to be a peeg fish story, but it ish all blain to my mint now- He vash not into de whale's pelly at all, but shump onto his pack and rode ashore. Oh, I vash so glad I vash hero to-night. "And now, Mister Breacher, if you will shust exblain two more bassages of Scriptures, I shall be oh, so happy dat I vas here to-night ! One of dem ish vere it saish de vicked shall be cast into a lake dat burns mit fire and primstone alwish. Oh, Mister Breacher, shall I be cast into dat lake if I am vicked, or shust close py or near to shust near enough to be comfortable? Oh, I hope you tell me I shall be cast only shust py a good veys oft', and I vill pe so glad I vash here to-night. De oder bassage is dat vich saish blessed are they who do these command- ments, dat dey may have right to de dree of life, and enter in droo de gates of de city, and not shust close py or near to shust near enough to see vat I have lost and I shall pe so glad I vash here to-night." VAT YOU PLEASE. A POPU1AB COMIC BECITATION. BY FLANCHK. Some years ago, when civil faction Raged like a fury through the fields of Gaul, And children, in the general distraction, "Were taught to curse as soon as they could squall ; When common-sense in common folks was dead, And murder show'd a love of nationality, And France, determined not to have a head, Decapitated all the higher class, To put folks more on an equality ; When coronets were not worth half-a-crown, And liberty, in bonnet-rouge, might pass For Mother Red-cap up at Cainden town ; Full many a Frenchman then took wing, Bidding soupe-maigrc an abrupt farewell, 118 VAT YOU PLEASE. And hither came pell-mell, Sans cash, sans clothes, and almost sans everything! Two Messieurs who about this time came over, Half-starved, but toujours gai (No weasels e'er were thinner), Trudged up to town from Dover ; Their slender store exhausted in the way, Extremely puzzled how to get a dinner. From morn till noon, from noon till dewy eve, Our Frenchmen wander'd on their expedition : Great was then- need and sorely did they grieve, Stomach and pocket in the same condition ! At length by mutual consent they parted, And different ways on the same errand started. This happened on a day most dear To epicures, when general use Sanctions the roasting of the sav'ry goose. Towards night, one Frenchman, at a tavern near, Stopp'd, and beheld the glorious cheer ; "While greedily he snuffd the luscious gale in, That from the kitchen window was exhaling, And snuffd and long'd ; and long'd and snuff'd again. Necessity's the mother of invention, (A proverb I've heard many mention ;) So now one moment saw his plan completed, And our sly Frenchman at a table seated. The ready waiter at his elbow stands " Sir, will you favor me with your commands ? "We've roast and boiFd, sir ; choose you those or these ?" " Sare ! you are very good, sir ! Vat you please" Quick at the word, Upon the table smokes the wish'd-for bird. No time in talking did he waste, But pounced pell-mell upon it ; Drum-stick and merry-thought he pick'd in haste, Exulting in the merry thought that won it. Pie follows goose, and after pie comes cheese " Stilton or Cheshire, sir ?" " Ah ! vat you please." VAT YOU PLEASE. 11 And now our Frenchman, having ta'en his fill, Prepares to go, when, " Sir, your little bill." " Ah, vat, you're Sill ! Veil, Mr. Bill, good-day ! Bon jour, good Villiam." " No, sir, stay ; My name is Tom, sir you've this bill to pay." " Pay, pay, ma foil I call for nothing, sare pardonnes moi ! You bring me vat you call your goose, your cheese, You ask-a-me to eat ; I tell you, Vat you please 1" Down came the master ; each explain'd the case, The one with cursing, t'other with grimace j But Boniface, who dearly loved a jest, (Although sometimes he dearly paid for it,) And finding nothing could be done (you know, That when a man has got no money, To make him pay some would be rather funny,) Of a bad bargain made the best, Acknowledged much was to be said for it ; Took pity on the Frenchman's meagre face, And, Briton-like, forgave a fallen foe, Laugh'd heartily, and let him go. Our Frenchman's hunger thus subdued, Away he trotted in a merry mood ; When, turning round the corner of a street, "Who, but his countryman, he chanced to meet ! To him with many a shrug and many a grin, He told him how he'd taken Jean Butt in ! Fired with the tale, the other licks his chops, Makes his congee, and seeks the shop of shops. Entering, he seats himself, just at his ease ; " What will you take, sir f " " Vat you please." The waiter turned as pale as Paris plaster, And, up-stairs running, thus address'd his master : " These vile mounseers come over sure in pairs ; Sir, there's another ' vat you please !' down-stairs." This made the landlord rather crusty, Too much of one thing the proverb's somewhat musty. Once to be done, his anger didn't touch, But when a second time they tried the treason, 120 THE DUTCHMAN AND THE YANKEE. It made him crusty sir, and with good reason Tou would be crusty were you done so much. There is a kind of instrument "WTrich greatly helps a serious argument, And which, when properly applied, occasions Some most unpleasant tickling sensations ! 'Twould make more clumsy folks than Frenchmen skip, 'Twill strike you presently a stout horsewhip. This instrument our Maitre VHdte Most carefully concealed beneath his coat ; And seeking instantly the Frenchman's station, Addressed him with the usual salutation. Our Frenchman, bowing to his threadbare knees, Determined whilst the iron's hot to strike it, Pat with his lesson answers " Vat you please !" But scarcely had he let the sentence slip, Than round his shoulders twines the pliant whip ! " Sare, sare ! ah, misericorde, parbl&u, ! Oh dear, monsieur, vat make you use me so ? Vat you call dis ?" " Oh, don't you know ? That's what I please," says Bonny, " how d'ye like it ? Your friend, though I paid dearly for his funning, Deserved the goose he gained, sir, for his cunning ; But you, monsieur, or else my time I'm wasting, Are goose enough, and only wanted basting" THE DUTCHMAN AND THE YANKEE. COMIC EECITATION. DUTCH AND YANKEE DIALECTS. Several years ago there dwelt and for aught I know there still dwells an old Dutchman on the line of the Erie canal ; very illiterate, but very fond of money, and, by some chance or other, pretty well supplied with it. It was rumored, however, that he was not over-scrupulous at times how he made it ; and the following incident goes to substantiate the charge : There came to his house, one day, an awkward-looking THE DUTCHMAN AND THE YANKEE. 121 individual, betraying in every turn and gesture that he hailed whence wooden nutmegs and other Yankee com- modities are brought into market. " How do, Squire ?" was Jonathan's salutation, squirting a gill of tobacco juice inside the door, by way of a more definite announcement that he was "round." " Valk in, mine frient," said the Dutchman. In stalked Jonathan, peeping on all sides, and finally settled his six feet be the same more or less of flesh and bones in a chair by the chimney corner. " Squire," said he, after a pause, producing a jack-knife and chipping off a piece from the boot-jack that lay behind him, " I've a notion, somehow or t'other, to be arter gwine to the far west ; but darn my picter if it ain't a long way thar, and I kinder guess I'm on the wrong track." And he went on whittling, eyeing the Dutchman occasion- ally from beneath the half disjointed front-piece to his plush cap. " You goesh vest, eh ?" exclaimed Mynheer ; " veil, you ish on the right roat, my frient ; but have you got a lichense to go vest ?" " License !" cried Jonathan, suspending his whittling ; " I ain't got the first one, and what's more, cap'n, I ain't never heern of the cussed thing afore, nuther." " Veil, veil," said the Dutchman, " that von't do at all. You musht have a lichense to go vest, for because they von't let you shettle out there without vone." " How you talk !" was the Yankee's ejaculation, deeply concerned at this piece of intelligence. " Dat is the truth, mine vrient," pursued the Dutch- man ; " but I have lichenses to shell don't you vant to puy von ?" " Can't dodge it no way, can 1 1" exclaimed the raw one. "How much'll the tarnal critter come to?" he asked, producing a weazel skin in an alarming state of de- pletion. 122 THE DUTCHMAN AND THE YANKEE. " Only two tollars, dat'sh all, mine vrient," said the op- erator, rubbing his hands and rising to receive the fee. " Wall, I suppose I've got to his head, when pigs as has bin raised wid some families I know, sur, would roar night an' day about it, sur." " Oxactly. Now, pesides dat he ist an offectionous pigs ; he got considerations aboud him ain't it ? Too berlide to put on some hiferlutin airs aboud grub matters. Veil, veil, dose manners ! He vos most decisively ein fine pig some pigs ton't got no considerations." " He's bin well raised, sur, an' is a credit to the family, as you can see for yourself, sur. There he stands, sur, all modesty, and observin' ye wid the greatest respect, bash- ful as he is." " Yaw, exactly. A reckuler yewel yenerally, ain't id I Bote vot for he does make his eyes dat vay oude fon his het ? Py plitzen ! look on his mout, how he slobber, and how like ter teufel he pegins to whirler aroundt ! Vot for ish dese ? By Shupiter ! he ist grazy he vill tie right avay oudo !" " Ah, sur, it was that I had in me mind to tell ye. In some respects he is not robust, sir. Fits, sur, he some- 146 DOT LAMBS VOT MAKY HAT GOT. times haves fits. But you must bear wid him, sur, an' whin he's done wid 'em he's so conthrite, sur, ye haven't the heart to find fault wid him. It's a spacies o' epperlap- tic, sur, prejudiced by former indispositions, sur; so a man tould me as had a dale o' practice wid physic as a cow doctor, sur. In his younger days the pun- baste was much afflicted, sur, an' this brought on the fits, so the man said, sur. 'Pat,' says he, 'have he iver had the kidney wur- rum ?' ' He have, sur,' ses I. ' The maisels I ' ses he. ' He have,' ses I. ' The thumps ?' ses he. ' He have had -'em,' ses I. 'The cholera?' ses he. 'He have, sur,' ses I. 'Zounds, Pat,' ses he, 'that accounts for the fits,' ses he. Ah ! poor divil, he is aisier now. Shall I lep intil the pen and pass him out till ye, sur?" " Oxkoose me, mine goot frient, der pig ist ein peauti- ful pigs, a reckeler yewel as vot you yenerally can find; but for mineself, I more radder have ein pigs vot ton't got some fidts simile like dose of him. I ton't took 'um." Hans makes a break across the cabbage patch, when Pat sings out: " Sure ye'd betther take 'im, sur: a gratefuller baste ye never had to do wid." " Yaw, but I ton't took 'um. You yoost keep dose pig; I don't gone to preak your heart mit a seberation mit der vamily, oxpecially to take avay der prightest ornamend vot it hafe got." DOT LAMBS VOT MARY HAF GOT. PABODY ON " MABY HAD A LITTLE LAMB." Mary haf got a leetle lambs already : Dose vool vas vite like shnow ; TTnd every times dot Mary did vend oued, Dot lambs vent also oued vid Mary. Dot lambs dit follow Mary von day of der school-house, Vich vas obbosition to der rules of der schoolmaster, THE YANKEE AND THE DUTCHMAN'S DOG. 147 Alzo, vich it dit caused dose schillen to schmile out loud Yen dey did saw dose lambs on der insides of der school-house. Und zo dot schoolmaster did kick dot lambs quick oued, Likevise, dot lambs dit loaf around on der outsides, Und did shoo der flies mit his tail off patiently aboud Until Mary did come also from dot school-house oued. Und den dot lambs did run right away quick to Mary, Uiid dit make bis het on Mary's arms, Like he would said, " I dond vos schkared, Mary would keep from droubbles ena how." " Yot vos der reason aboud it, of dot lambs und Mary t" Dose schillen did ask it, dot schoolmaster ; Veil, doand you know it, dot Mary lov dose lambs already, Dot schoolmaster did zaid. MORAL. TJnd zo, alzo, dot moral vas, Boued Mary's lambs' relations : Of you lofe dose like she lofe dose, Dot lambs vas obligations. THE YANKEE AND THE DUTCHMAN'S DOG-. OOMIO BXCTTATION. DtTTCH AND YANKEE DIALECTS. Hiram was a quiet, peaceable sort of a Yankee, who lived on the same farm on which his fathers had lived before him, and was generally considered a pretty cute sort of a fellow always ready with a trick,) whenever it was of the least utility ;\ yet,i when he did play any of his tricks, 'twas done in such an innocent manner, that his victim could do no better than take it all in good part. Now, it happened that one of Hiram's neighbors sold a farm to a tolerably green specimen of a Dutchman one of the real unintelligent, stupid sort. Von Vlom Schlopsch had a dog, as Dutchmen often have, who was less unintelligent than his master, and who 148 THE YANKEE AND THE DUTCHMAN'S DOG. had, since leaving his " faderland," become sufficiently civilized not only to appropriate the soil as common stock, but had progressed so far in the good work as to obtain his dinners from the neighbors' sheepfold on the same principle. When Hiram discovered this 'propensity^ in the canine department of the Dutchman's family, he walked over to his new neighbor's to enter complaint, which mission he accomplished in the most natural method in the world. " Wall, Von, your dog Blitzen's been killing my sheep." " Ya ! dat ish bace bad. He ish von goot tog. Ya ! dat ish bad !" u Sartin, it's bad; and you'll have to stop 'im." ' " Ya ! dat ish alias goot; but ich weis nicht." "What's that you say? Tie was niched f Wall, now look here, old fellow ! nickin's no use. Crop 'im ; cut his tail off close, chock up to his trunk. That'll cure 'im." " Vat ish dat ?" exclaimed the Dutchman, while a faint ray of intelligence crept over his features. " Ya ! dat ish goot. Dat cure von sheep steal, eh ?" " Sartin it will ; he'll never touch sheep-meat again in this world," said Hiram, gravely. " Den come mit me. He von mity goot tog all the way from Yarmany. I not take von five dollar ; but come mit me, and hold his tail, eh ? Ich chop him off." " Sartin," said Hiram. " I'll hold his tail if you want me tew ; but you must cut it up close." "Ya ! dat ish right. Ich make 'im von goot tog. There, Blitzen, Blitzen! come right here, you von sheep steal rashcull. I chop your tail in von two pieces." fc The dog obeyed the summons, and the master tied his feet, fore and aft, for fear of accident, and placing the tail in the Yankee's hand, requested him to lay it across a large block of wood. " Chock up," said Hiram, as he drew the butt of the tail close over the log. ZWEI LAGER. 149 " Ya! dat ish right. Now, you von tief sheep, I learns you better luck," said Von Vlom Schlopsch, as he raised the axe. It descended ; and as it did so, Hiram, with character- istic presence of mind, gave a sudden jerk, and brought Blitzen's neck over the log, and the head rolled over the other side. "Wall, Iswow!" said Hiram, with apparent astonish- ment, as he dropped the headless trunk of the dog; "that was a leetle too close." "Mine cootness!" exclaimed the Dutchman, "you shust cut J im off de wrong end !" ZWEI LAG-ER. FBOM " LEEDLE YAWCOB STBAU8S. AND OTHEE POEMS." CHARLES F. ADAMS. Der night vas dark as anydhing, Ven at mine door two vellers ring, Und say, ven I asked who vas dhere, " Git up and git " und den dey schvear " Zwei lager." I says, " 'Tis late ; shust leaf mine house, Und don'd be making such a to\vse !" Dey only lauft me in der f;ico, Und say, " Pring oudt, ' Old Schweizerkase,' Zwei lager." I dold dem dot der bier vas oudt ; But dose two simps set oup a shout, Und said no matter if 'twas late, Dot dey moost haf " put on dor schlate " Zwei lager. " Oh ! go avay, dot is goot boys," Mine moder says, " und schtop der noise ;" But sdill dem vellers yelt avay, Und dis vos all dot dey vould say : " Zwei lager." 150 MONSIEUR MOCQUARD BETWEEN TWO FIRES. " Vot makes you gome," mine taughter said, " Yen beoples all vas in deir ped ? Shust gome to-morrow ven you're dhry." But dem two plackguards sdill did cry, " Zwei lager." " Yot means you by sooch dings as dese ? I go and calls for der boleese," Says Schneigelfritz, who lifs next door ; Dey only yelt more as pefore, " Zwei lager." " You shust holdt on a leedle vhile," Says mine Katrina mit a schmile ; " I vix dose snaps, you pet my life, So dey don'd ask off Pfeiffer's vife Zwei lager." Den righd avay she got a peese Of goot und schtrong old Limburg sheese, And put it shoost outside der door ; Und den we did't hear no more Zwei lager. MONSIEUR MOCQUARD BETWEEN TWO FIRES. FRENCH DIALECT BECITATION. Meeting our friend, Jean Mocquard, a day or two since, limping along with Ms feet encased in a pair of large woolen overshoes, we said : " Hello, Jean, where have you been for the last month ?" " Ah, sare, one situation miserable have detain me to me house. Zee gout, zee gout ! I am crucify all ze time wis dose two feet of me. I have, besides, trouble diabolique wis my landlady and my landlord, Madame Dobb and Mis- tair Dobb. If I drink somesing I suffer as do zee people of zer bad place. S'pose I not drink, Mistair Dobb he give to me fits; s'pose I take one drink, Madame Dobb she AUNT HETTY ON MATRIMONY. 151 give to mo fits. So you see I am place between what you call two fire. " When ze big American holiday arrive Mistair Dobb become extremely elevate wiz too numerous whisky ponch. I go into me room and make of it one fortification. Dobb he say to me : ' Come out and drink.' I say to him : 1 My room is lock, is fortify. I no can drink. I am afraid, you see, of Madame Dobb.' " Dobb he go away and presently return and project through zee keyhole one straw of zee rye or zee wheat, I don't know, and hello to me in one small voice zat I sail suck of ze same. I do so, and find one what you call mint of zee julip at zee outside end of zee straw. " I have done all I can, I have fortify, but Dobb he in- vade me, so I suck of zee julip I compromise wis zee enemy. "Now Madame Dobb she one ver ingenious woman. She have perceive zee little julip entertainment from a dis- tance. Presently one more straw project himself into zee keyhole. I suck him, and, by gar ! what you sink ? Salt watair, by gar ! salt watair ! Outside I hear Madame Dobb remark : ' Ho, ho, ho ! he, he, he I' " Ah, me friend, zee situation ver distreesful. I am con- stant between two fire Dobb and Madame Dobb !" AUNT HETTY ON MATRIMONY. A YANKKK BECTTATIOM. " Now, girls," said Aunt Hetty, " put down your em- broidery and worsted work, do something sensible, and stop building air castles, and talking of lovers and honey- moons. It makes me sick it's perfectly antimonial. Love is a farce; matrimony is a humbug; husbands are domes- tic Napoleons, Neroes, Alexanders, sighing for other hearts to conquer after they are sure of yours. The honeymoon 152 AUNT HETTY ON MATRIMONY. is as short-lived as a lucifer-match. After that you may wear your wedding-dress at the wash-tub, and your night- cap to meeting, and your husband won't know it. You may pick up your own pocket handkerchief, help yourself to a chair, and split your gown across the back reaching over the table to get a piece of butter, while he is laying in his breakfast as if it were the last meal he should eat in this world. When he gets through he will aid your di- gestion, while you are sipping your first cup of coffee, by inquiring what you'll have for dinner, whether the cold lamb was all ate yesterday, if the charcoal is aU out, and what you gave for the last green tea you bought. Then he gets up from the table, lights his cigar with the last evening's paper, that you have not had a chance to read, gives two or three whiffs of smoke, sure to give you a head- ache for the afternoon, and just as his coat-tail is vanish- ing through the door, apologizes for not doing ' that errand' for you yesterday, thinks it doubtful if he can to-day, so pressed with business. Hear of him at eleven o'clock tak- gin an ice-cream with some ladies at Vinton's, while you are putting new linings in his coat sleeves. Children by the ears all day, can't get out to take the air, feel as dizzy as a fly in a drum. Husband comes home at night, nods a 'how d'ye do, Fan,' boxes Charley's ears, stands little Fanny in the corner, sits down in the easiest chair in the warmest corner, puts his feet over the grate, shutting out all the fire, while the baby's little pug nose grows blue with the cold, reads the newspaper all to himself, solaces his inner man with a hot cup of tea, and, just as you are laboring under the hallucination that he will ask you to take a mouthful of fresh air with him, he puts on his dressing gown and slippers, and begins to reckon up the family expenses ! After which he lays down on the sofa, and you keep time with your needle, while he snores till nine o'clock. Next morning ask him to 'leave you a little money,' he looks at you as if to be sure you are in your SCHNEIDER'S RIDE. 153 right mind, draws a sigh long enough and strong enough to inflate a pair of bellows, and asks you ' what you want with it, and if half a dollar won't do.' Gracious king ! as if these little shoes and stockings and petticoats could bo had for a half a dollar ! Oh, girls ! set your affections on cats, poodles, parrots or lap-dogs, but let matrimony alone. It's the hardest way on earth of getting a living^ you never know when your work is done up. Think of carrying eight or nine children through the measles, chicken-pox, rash, mumps and scarlet fever, some of 'em twice over it makes my head ache to think of it. Oh, you may scrimp and save, and twist and turn, and dig and delve, and economize, and die, and your husband will marry again, and take what you have saved to dress his second wife with, and she'll take your portrait for a fire- board ; but what's the use of talking ? Ill warrant every one of youTI try it, the first chance you get there's a sort of bewitchment about it, somehow. I wish one hah* of the world warn't fools, and t'other half idiots, I do. Oh, dear !" SCHNEIDER'S RIDE. PABODY ON " SHERIDAN'S BIDE." BT OOFTY GOOFT. From gross der rifer, ad broke of day, Bringin' by Brooklyn fresh dismay, Der news vas send, by Dutchman d rue, Dot der officers of der refenne Yood be ofer in less as an hour or dwo, To confiscate all der visky dey got In Schneider's blace, or near der shbot TJnd vilder yed dem rumors dey flew, Dill Schneider didn't know vat to do ; So he glosed der doors und barred dein dight, Saving, " Dey kin hammer avay mit all der might ; Of dey gid deui oben before id's night, Den I don'd know but ve shall see 154 SCHNEIDER'S RIDE. Who is der shmardesd, dem or me I" For a hour or dree no resd he got, Shdill Schneider shdaid righd on der shbot. Bud dere is a shdreed in Brooklyn down Dot isn'd bafed, dot leads righd down To Groney Island, und vat is more (Dot's a vonder id nefer vas used before), Id vas righd in frond of der back of der shdore, TJnd dere on dot road vas nine drucks und a cart, Loading mit visky all ready to shdart ; Dey're mosd all loaded, und Schneider is gay, In dem momends he'll be boud a mile avay. Dey're off, und noding is left to show Vat vay dey made ub deir minds to go, TJnd oferyding's mofed, yed nod a sound "Kin be heerd bud der veels agoin' around, As dey mofe so shwifdly ofer der ground ; Und Schneider looks back und says, " Goot day," For now he's more as fife miles avay. Shdill jumbs dem horses, shdill on dey go, TJnd der vay dey mofe dot isn'd shlow ; Dey're goin' down hill, und fasder und fasder, Dey're drifen ahead by Schneider, der masder, Who shducks to dem now like a boor man's blaster; For veil he knows dot if now he's dooked, He kin make ub his mind dot his goose vas cooked- So efery mussels dey pring in blay, Cause dey aind any more as den miles avay. TJnder dheir flyin' hoofs der road, Like a grade big mutgudder dot flowed, TJnd der flies dot had come all der vay from town Now got dired, und had to lay down To took a shmall resd ubon der ground, For " Schneid " und der vagons, dem vent so fasd Dot efen der flies gifed oud at lasd ; Der dusd vas dick und der horses gray, TJnd Schneider vas fifdeen miles avay ! Der wery first ding dot Schneider saw Vas der sand, und he heerd the ocean roar, THE DUTCHMAN AND THE SMALL BOX. 155 He shmelled der salt in der goot olt preeze Dot vafed ofer vere dere vasn'd some drees, Und he feld firsd-rade mit his mind ad ease, Und dem weary horses dem seemed to say "Ve pringed you, Schneider, all der vay From Brooklyn town und safed der visky, But 'bon our vords 'dwas radder risky !" Hurrah ! hurrah ! for Schneider drue ! Hurrah ! hurrah ! for der horses doo ! TJnd ven der shdadnrs vas high und dry, Led some bully boy mit a grockery eye Gid ub on der dop of a barrel und gry " Dese is der horses dot safed der day By carting der visky und Schneider gay From Brooklyn dwendy miles avay I" THE DUTCHMAN "WHO GAVE MBS. SCUDDEB THE SMALL-POX. DUTCH DIALECT BECITATION. Some years ago, a droll sort of a Dutchman was the driver of a stage in New Jersey, and he passed daily through the small hamlet of Jericho. One morning, just as the vehicle was starting from Squash Point, a person came up and requested the driver to take in a small box, and " leave it at Mrs. Scudder's, third house on the left after you get into Jericho." " Yaas, oh yaas, Mr. Ellis, I knows der haus," said the driver, " I pleeve der voman dakes in vashin', vor I always sees her mit her clothes hung out." " You're right, that's the place," said Ellis (for that was the man's name), " she washes for one of the steamboats." The box was thereupon duly deposited in the front boot, the driver took his levenpenny bit for carrying it, and the stage started on its winding way. In an hour CT t\< o, the four or five houses comprising the village of Jericho hove in sight. In front of one of them, near the door, a tall 156 THE DUTCHMAN AND THE SMALL BOX. muscular woman was engaged at a wash-tub, while lines of white linen, fluttering in the wind, ornamented the ad- joining lawn. The stage stopped at the gate, when the following ludicrous dialogue and attendant circumstances took place : Driver Is dis Miss Scutter's haus? Woman [looking up, without stopping her work] Yes, I'm Mrs. Scudder. Driver I'fe got der small pox in der stage ; vill you come out and dake it ? Woman [suddenly throwing down the garment she was washing] Got the small-pox ! mercy on me, why do you stop here, you wicked man ? you'd better be off, quick as you can. [Runs into the house.] Driver mutters to himself I vender vat's der matter mit der fool ; I'fe goot mind to drow it over der fence. Upon second thought, he takes the box, gets off the stage, and carries it into the house. But in an instant he reappears, followed by a broom with an enraged woman at the end of it, who is shouting in a loud voice : " You git out of this ! clear yourself quicker ! you've no business to come here exposing decent people to the small- pox ; what do you mean by it f " " I dells you it's der shmall pox /" exclaimed the Dutch- man, emphasising the word box as plainly as he could. " Ton't you versteh ? der shmall pox dat Misther Ellis sends to you." But Mrs. Scudder was too much excited to comprehend this explanation, even if she had listened to it. Having it fixed in her mind that there was a case of small-pox on the stage, and that the driver was asking her to take into the house a passenger thus afflicted, her indignation knew no bounds. " Clear out !" exclaimed she, excitedly, "I'll call the men folks if you don't clear !" and then shouting at the top of her voice, " Ike ! you Ike ! where are you ?" Ike soon made his appearance, and inquired : DIAMONDTS ON DER PKAJN. 157 " W- what's the matter, mother ?" The driver answered : "I dells you now onct more, for der last time, Ffe got der shmall pox, and Misther Ellis he dells me to gif it to Miss Scutter, and if dat vrow ish Miss Scutter, vy she no dake der pox ?" By this time several of the passengers had got off the stage to see the fun, and one of them explained to Mrs. Scudder that it was a box, and not small-pox, that the driver wished to leave with her. The woman had become so thoroughly frightened that she was still incredulous, until a bright idea struck Ike. " Oh, mother !" exclaimed he, " I know what 'tis it's Madame Ellis's box of laces, sent to be done up." With this explanation the affair was soon settled, and Mistress Scudder received the Dutchman's " shmall pox " amidst the laughter and shouts of the occupants of the old stage coach. The driver joined in, although he had not the least idea of what they were laughing at, and as the vehicle rolled away, he added not a little to the mirth by saying, in a triumphant tone of voice, " I vas pound ter gif der old vomans der shmall pox, vether she vould dake it or not !" TIAMONDTS ON DEB PBAIN. DUTCH DIALECT. Hans Schoppeumeier geebs a millinery shtore py Shtate shtreet out, und vas hereditary on der soopject of dhem tiamondts. Ofer a mans comes on his hause mit shooelry of efery kindts, Hans vas got some aflecktions about him. ' Von tay dhere comes py his pblace von Mister Shmid. Now, dot shendlemans vears py his bosom a tiamondt bin, und von of der bulliest kindt. Hans shpeaks mit him und says: "Veil, Mister Shmid, how you vas? Dot ish a nice tay pehindt noon, Mister Shmid." "Yah, Hans; id vas shure a goot tay." "You dond vas pooty good-lookin 158 THE COTTKTIN'. to-day, Mister Shmid. You got some mellongholly. Aind it ? Vat ish ter tifflculdy f " Veil, Hans, dot ish recht. I have some mellongholly py me. No longer as von veek ago, mine sister she vas dook sick und died, und now I got some sad indelligence dot mine mudder she vas on her death-ped." "Ish dot so, Mister Shmid? Veil, I dhruly sympadises mit you. Some dime ago mine brodder vas gone died, und I feel fery pad now. I yoost got some indelligences, too, dot mine leedle cousin vas been dookin sick, und vood die. I lofes dot leedle cousin, und dot cousin lofes me ; und efery time vhen I goes me of her hause, vhen der nite he vas comes, she says of me : ' Goot nacht, cousin Hans/ und dhen goes on der fhloor py her petside, und, mit her leedle hands togedder, she brays to der Great Got Almighdy Ish dot a tiamondt you vear on your bosom, Mister Shmid ?" THE COUBTIN'. A YANKEE EECITATION. BY JAMES BUSSELL LOWELL. God makes sech nights, all white an' stall Fur'z you can look and listen, Moonshine an' snow on field an' hill, All silence an' all glisten. Zekle crep' up quite unbeknown An' peeked in thru the winder, An' there sot Huldy all alone, 'Ith no one nigh to hender. A fireplace filled the room's one side, "With half a cord o' wood in There warn't no stoves (tell comfort died) To bake ye to a puddin'. The wa'nut logs shot sparkles out Towards the pootiest, bless her, An' leetle flames danced all about The chiny on the dresser. THE COURTIN'. 159 The very room, coz she was in, Seemed -warm from floor to ceilin', An' she looked full ez rosy ag'in As the apple she was peelin'. 'Twas kin' o' "kingdom come" to look On such a blessed cretur*, A dog-rose blushin' to a brook Ain't modester nor sweeter. He was six foot o' man, A 1, Clean grit an' human natur, None couldn't quicker pitch a ton, Nor dror a furrer straighter. He'd sparked it with full twenty gals, He'd squired 'em, danced 'em, druv 'em, Fust this one, and then thet, by spells All is, he couldn't love 'em. But long o' her, his veins 'ould run All crinkly, like curled maple, The side she breshed felt full o' sun Ez a south slope in Ap'il. She thought no v'ice had sech a swing As hisn in the choir ; My ! when he made " Ole Hundred " ring, She knotccd the Lord was uigher. An' she'd blush scarlit, right in prayer, "WTien her new meetin' bunnet Felt, somehow, thru its crown, a pair 0' blue eyes sot upon it. Thet night, I tell ye, she looked some I She seemed to'vo gut a now soul, For she felt sartm-suro he'd come, Down to her very shoe-sole. She heard a foot, an' knowed it, to, A-raspin' on the scraper All ways to once her feelin's flew, Like sparks in burnt-up paper. 160 THE COTJBTIN 7 . He kin' o' loitered on the mat, Some doubtfle o' the sekle, His heart kep' goin' pity-pat, But hern went " pity-Zekle." An' yit, she gin her cheer a jerk, As though she wished him furder, An' on her apples kep' to work, Farm' away like murder. " You want to see my Pa, I s'pose ?" " "Wall no I come designin' " " To see my Ma ? She's sprinklin' clo'es, Agin to-morrer's i'nin." To say why gals acts so or so, Or don't, would be presumin' ; Mebby to mean yes, and say no, Comes nateral to woman. He stood a spell on one foot fust, And then stood a spell on t'other, An' on which one he felt the wust, He couldn't ha' told ye, nuther. Says he, " I'd better call ag*in." Says she, "Think likely, Mister." That last word pricked him like a pin, An' wal, he up an' kissed her. ' " ' t When Ma, bimeby, upon 'em slips, Huldy sot, pale as ashes, All kin' o' smily roun' the lips, An' teary roun' the lashes. For she was just the quiet kind, Whose natur's never vary, Like streams thet keep a summer mind Snow-hid in Jenooary. The blood clost roun' her heart felt glued Too tight for all expressing Till mother see how matters stood, An' gin 'em both her blessin'. A DUTCHMAN'S TESTIMONY. 161 Then her red come back like the tide Down to the Bay o' Fundy, An' all I know is, they were cried In meetin', come nex' Sunday. A DUTCHMAN'S TESTIMONY IN A STEAMBOAT CASE. HTJMOBOTTS DUTCH DIALECT RECITATION. Several years ago, the steamboat Buckeye blew up on the Ohio river near Pittsburg, by which accident a lady rejoicing hi the name of Mrs. Rebecca Jones lost both her husband and her baggage. In due time she brought a suit against the owners of the boat for damages for the death of her husband, as well as compensation for the loss of her clothing. On trial, the defence denied everything. It was alleged that neither Jones or his wife was aboard the Buckeye, and therefore ho could not have been killed or any clothing lost. The Jones family being strangers in Pittsburg, where they went on board the boat, it was difficult to find any witnesses to prove that the missing man was actually on board, or that he was killed. Finally Mrs. Jones remembered that a Dutchman who took their trunk from the hotel at Pittsburg was a deck passenger, and he was soon found and subpoenaed as a witness. His name was Deitzman, and being caDed to the stand he was questioned as follows : Counsel for Mrs. Jones Mr. Deitzman, did you know the steamboat Buckeye, ? Witness Taw, I vas plow up mit her. Counsel Was you on board when the boiler collapsed f Witness Yaas, I vas on de poat ven de piler bust. Counsel Did you know Mr. Jones, the husband of this lady ? [pointing to plaintiff.] Witness To pe shure I know him : I pring his trunk 162 EBENEZER ON A BUST. on de poat at Bittsburg, and ve paid our passage togedder at der captain's office. Counsel Well, did he stay aboard: did you see him on the boat at the time of the explosion ? Witness Nix : I didn't see Mr. Shones on der boat at dat time. Counsel for Defence [eagerly] So, he wasn't on the Buckeye when the boiler exploded, that you know of? Witness I didn't say dat. Counsel [with a triumphant glance at the jury] What did you say then? when did you last see Jones ? Witness Veil, I shtood by der shmoke bipe ven der piler pust, and I didn't see Mr. Shones den ; but ven me and der shmoke bipe vas goin' up in de air, I see Shones coming down ! Dat's der last time I see him." This testimony being thought conclusive, the jury gave Mrs. Jones a verdict for five thousand dollars. EBENEZER ON A BUST. A YANKEE BTOBY. " Massy saiks alive, Eb's hum agin !" says Cousin Sally, running into the kitchen to Mann Green, who, up to her elbows in the dough, " dropt all " and came out to see her hopeful son stalk into the porch as big as all out-doors. " Wher' on airth, Eb, hev yeou been !" says the old lady. " Where hev I been ? Why, daown't Bosting." " Massy saiks, Eb, what on airth did yeou dew had yeou a good tune, Ebenezer ?" " Good tune ! Oh-o-ugh, persimmons ! hadn't I a time ! Cute time, by golly ; a-a-and marm, I made the money fly did, by golly !" " Why, haow yeou talk, Eb !" says Mann Green, " I hope, son Ebenezer, yeou didn't break any of the Com- mandments, or nuthin' f " HANS BREITMANN AND THE TURNERS. 163 " Break the Commandments ? Wa-a-all, nco, didn't break nothin'. Everlastin' salvation, marm, yeou don't s'pose a feller's goin' deown tew Bosting and not cut a shine nor nothin'. Teou see, marm, I went inteu a shaw'p to get a drink of that almighty good stuff, spreuce beer, and a-and two gals, sleek critters, axed me tew treat !" " Land saiks alive ! yeou didn't do it, though, Eb f" " Wa-all, I did though, naow ! I was aout on a time, marm, and I didn't care a darn wether school kept or not, as the boy told his boss." "Ebenezer, don't you swear !" " Haint a gone to, marm ; but yeou see, them gals axed me to treat, and I did, and don't keor a darn who knows it ! Yeou see I paid fur ther two glasses of spreuce beer and mine, that was fo'pence, slap deown ; then I bought ten cents wuth of ree-sins for 'em, and, by Beunker, I'd rather spent that hull niuepence than gone offsneakin' /" HANS BBEITMANN AND THE TURNERS. CHA8. O. I.l.i-XM'. Hans Breitmann choined de Toomers, Novemper in de fall, Und doy gifed a boostin' bender All in de Toorner Hall. Dere corned de whole Gesangverein, Mit der Liederlich Aepfel Chor, Und dey blowed on de drooms und stroomed on de fifes, Till dey couldn't refife no more. Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners, Dey all set oop some shouts, Dey took'd him into deir Toorner Hall, Und poots him a course of shprouts ; Pey poots him on der barrell-hell pars Und shtands him oop on his head, 164 HANS BKEITMANN AND THE TUBNEES. Und dey poomps de beer mit an enchine liose In his mout' dill he's 'pout half tead ! Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners Dey make shimnastig dricks, He stoot on de middle of de floor, Und put oop a fifdy-six ; Und den he trows it to de roof, Und schwig off a treadful trink ; De veight coom toomple back on his headt, Und, py shinks ! he didn't wink ! Hans Breitmann chouied de Toorners : Mein Gott ! how dey drinked und shwore ; Dere vas Schwabians und Tyrolers, Und Bavarians by de score. Some vellers coomed from de Kheinland, Und Frankfort-on-de-Main ; Boot dere vas only von Sharrnan dere, Und he vas a Holstein Dane. Hans Breitmann chouied de Toorners, Mit a Limpurg' cheese he coom ; Ven he open de box it schmell so loudt It knock de musik doomb. Ven de Deutschers kit de flavor, It coorl de haar on dere head ; Boot dere vas dwo Amerigans dere, Und, py tarn ! it kilt dem dead ! Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners, De ladies coomed in to see ; Dey poot dem in de blace for de gals, All in der gal-lerie. Dey ashk, " There ish der Breitmann ?" And dey dremple mit awe and fear Ven dey see him schwingen py de toes A-trinken lager bier. Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners : I dells you vot, py tarn ! Dey sings de great Urbummellied, De holy Sharman psalm. StTT LOVINGOOD'S SHIRT. 165 Und ven dey kits to de gorus You ought to hear dem tramp ! It scared der Teufel down below To hear de Dootchmen stamp. Hans Breitmann choined de Toornere : By donner ! it vas grand Vhen de whole of dem goes a-valkin' Und dancin' on dere hand, Mit de vect all wavin in de air Gotts tausend ! vot a dricks ! Dill der Breitmann fall und dey all go down Shoost like a row of bricks. Hans Breitmann choined do Toornera, Dey lay dere in a heap, And slept dill de early sonnen shine Come in at de window creep ; And de preeze it vake dem from deir dream, And dey go to kit deir feed : Here hat dis song an endo Das ist des Brcitmanns Lied. SUT LOVINGOOD'S SHIRT. SOUTHWESTERN DIALECT. FROM BUT IX>VINGOOD'8 YARNS. I met Sut ono morning, weaving along in his usual ram- bling, uncertain gait. His appearance satisfied me at once that something was wrong. Ho had been sick whipped in a free fight, or was just getting on his legs again, from a " big drunk." But upon this point I was soon enlightened. " Why, Sut, what's wrong now ? you look sick." "Heaps wrong, durn my skin no, my haslets of I haint mos' ded, an' my looks don't lie when they hints that I'se sick. I is sick Fse skin'd." " Who skinned you old Bullen 1" 166 STTT LOVTNGOOD'S SHIRT. " No, boss, a durnder fool nor Bullen did hit; I jis skin'd myself." " What in the name of common sense did you do it for ?" "Didn't du hit in the name ove common sense; did hit in the name, an' wif the sperit, ove plum natral-born durn fool. " Lite ofen that ar hoss, an' take a ho'n ; I wants two ove 'em (shaking his constant companion, a whisky flask, at me), an' plant yerself ontu that ar log, an' I'll tell, ef I kin, but hit's a'mos beyant tellin'. " I'se a durnder fool nor enybody outside a Assalum ur Kongriss, 'sceptin ove my own dad, fur he actid hoss, an' I haint tried that yet. I'se allers intu sum trap what wudn't ketch a saidge-field sheep. I'll drownd myself sum day, jes see ef I don't. I spects that wud stop the famerly dispersition to act durn fool, so fur es Sut's con- sarn'd." " Well, how is it, Sut ; have you been beat playing cards or drinking ?" " Nara wun, by geminy ! them jobs can't be did in these yere parts, es enybody no's on ; but seein hits yu, I'll tell hit. I'se sick-sham'd-sorry-sore-an'-mad tu kill, I is. Yu no I boards wif Bill Carr, at his cabin ontu the mountain, an' pays fur sich es I gits when I hes munny, an' when I hesent eny, why he takes wun third outer me in holesum hot cussin ; an' she, that's his wife Betts, takes tuther three thirds out wif the battlin stick, an' the intrus' wif her sharp tongue, an' she takes more intrus' nor principal. She's the cussedes' 'oman I ever seed eny how, fur jaw, breedin, an' pride. She kin scold a blister rite plum ontu a bull's curl in two minits. She outbreeds enything frum thar tu the river takin in the minks an' patterns arter all new fangl'd fashuns she hears tell on, frum bussils tu britches. Oh ! she's wun ove em, an' sumtimes she's two or three, she is. " Well, yu see I'd got hole on sum homade cottin cloff, SUT LOVINGOOD'S SHTRT. 167 fur a shirt, an' coax'd Betts tu make hit ; an' bout the time hit wer dun, yere cuiji a cussed stuck-up lawyer, name Jonsin, an' ax'd fur brekfus' rite yere I wishes the bread had been asnick, an' the meat strikenine, an' that he'd a staid an' tuck dinner too, fur he hes ni ontu fotch about my aind, durn his sashararer mijtimurs ole soul tu thunder I " I wonder hit didn't work 'im pow'M es hit wer ; fur Betts cooks up sum tarifyin. mixtrys ove vittils, when she tries hersef. I'se pizen proof my sef ; far thuty dullars, I'd jis let a sluice ove aquafotis run thru me fur ha'f a day, an' then live tu spen' the las' durn cent fur churnbrain whis- ky ; ef I warnt (holding up his flask and peeping through it), I'd dun been ded long ago. "Well, while he wer eatin, she spied out that his shut wer mons'ous stiff, an' es slick es glass; so she never rested ontill she wurmed hit outen 'im that hit wer dun wif a flour preparashun. She went wif 'im a piece ove the way down the mountin, tu get the particulers, an' when she cum back she said she had em. I thot she had myse'f. " She imejuntly sot in, an' biled a big pot ove paste, ni ontu a peck ovo hit, an' tole me I wer gwine tu he v ' the gonest purty shut in that range.' Well, she wer sorter rite, fur when I las seed hit hit wer : purty yas, orful purty, tu a rat, ur a buzzard, ur eny uther varmint fon' ove dirty, skary lookin things ; but frum the time I staid inside ove hit, I can't say that es a human shut I'd gin a durn fur a dozin ove em. ' Gonest purty shut !' the cussed ole hen jay bird, I jis' wish she hed tu war it wif a redpepper linin' on till she gits a-pas' hatchin', an' that wud be ni ontu eleving year, ef she toils the truff. "She soused my shut intu the pot, an' soaked hit thar ontil hit tuck up mos' ovo the paste ; then she tuck hit an' iron'd hit out flat an' dry, an' sot hit on hits aidge agin the cabin in the sun. Thar hit stood, like a dry hoss hide, an' hit rattiled like ontu a sheet ove iron, hit 168 SUT LOVINGOOD'S SHIKT. did, pasted tugether all over ' gonest purty shut !' durn'd huzzy ! " When I cum tu dinner, nuffin wud du Betts, but I mus' put myse'f inside hit rite thar. She partid the tails a littil piece wif a case nife, an' arter I got my hed started up intu hit, she'd pull down fas' at wun tail, an' then tuther, ontil I wer farly inside ove hit, an' button'd in. Durn the everlastin, infunel, new fangled sheet iron cuss ove a shut, I say ! I felt like Pd crowded intu a ole bee- gum, an' hit all full ove pissants, but hit wer a 'born'd twin ove Lawyer Jonsin's,' Betts sed, an' I felt like standin es much pussonal discumfurt es he cud, jis tu git tu sampil arter sumbody human. I didn't know, tu, but what hit hed the vartu ove makin a lawyer outen me agin hit got limber. " I sot in tubildin ove a ash-hopper fur Betts, an' work'd pow'ful hard, sweat like a hoss, an' then the shut quit hits hurtin, an' tuck tu feelin slippery. Thinks I, that's sorter lawyer-like enyhow, an' I wer hope up bout the shut, an' what mout cum outen hit. "Arter I got dun work, I tuck me a four-finger dost ove bumble-bee whisky, went up intu the lof, an' fell asleep a-thiukin bout bein a rale sashararer lawyer, hoss, saddil bags an' books ; an' Betts went over the top tu see her mam. " Well, arter a while I waked up ; I'd jis' been dreamin that the judge ove the supreme cort had me sowed up in a raw hide, an' sot up agin a hot pottery kill tu dry, an' the dryin woke me. " I now- thort I wer ded, an' hed died ove rhumaticks ove the hurtines' kind. All the jints I cud muve wer my ankils, knees, an' wrists ; cudn't even move my hed, an' scarcely wink my eyes; the cussed shut wer pasted fas' ontu me all over, frum the ainds ove the tails tu the pints ove the broad-axe collar over my years. Hit sot tu me es clost es a poor cow dus tu her hide in March. I worm'd SUT LOVIXGOOD'S SHIRT. 169 an' strain'd, an' cuss'd an' grunt'd, till I got hit sorter broke at the shoulders an' elbows, an' then I dun the durudes' fool thing ever did in these yere mountins. I shufll'd an' tore my britches off, an' skin'd loose frum my hide bout two inches ove the tail all roun in orful pain, an' quick-stingin trebulashun. Oh! great golly grampus, how it hurt ! Then I tuck up a plank outen the lof , an' hung my laigs down thru the hole, sot in, an' nail'd the aidge ove the frunt tail tu the floor afore me, an' the hine tail I nail'd tu the plank what I sot on. I flung the ham- mer outen my reach, tu keep my hart frum failin me, on- buttou'd the collar an' lisbans, raised my bans way abuv my bed, shot up my eyes, sed a short grace, an' jump'd thru to the groun' floor, jis thuteen foot wun inch clear ove jists." Here Sut remarked, sadly shaking his head, "George, I'se a dumder fool nor dad, boss, ho'nets, an gopher. I'll hcv tu drown'd mysef sum ove these days, see ef I don't." " Well, go on, Sut ; did the shirt come ofif?" " I t-h-i-n-k h-i-t d-i-d. " I hearn a n'ise like tarin a shingle ruff ofen a hous' at wun rake, an' felt like my bones wer all what lef the shut, an' reach'd the floor. I stagger'd tu my feet, an' tuck a moanful look up at my shut. The nails bed hilt thar h< >lt, an' so bed the tail hem ; thar hit wer hangin, arms down, inside out, an' jis es stiff es ever. Hit look'd like a map ove Mexico, arter one ove the wurst battils. A patch ovo my skin 'bout the size ovo a dullar, ur a dullar an' a 'ulf bill yore, a bunch ove bar bout like a bird's nes' thar, then sum more skin, then sum paste, then a littil more bar, then a heap ovo skin bar an' skin straight along all over that newfangl'd, everlastiu', infuuel pasted cuss ove a durn'd shut ! Hit wer a picter tu look at, an' so wer I. " The hide, bar, an' paste wer about ekally devided utwix me an hit. George, listen to me: hit looked ad- 170 STJT LOVINGOOD'S SHIRT. zactly like the skin ove sum wile beas', tore off alive, ur a bag what hed toted a laig ove fresh beef frum a shootin match. " Bill cum homo wif Betts, an wer the fust inter the cabin. He backed outen hit agin, an' sez he, ' Marcyful payrint! thar's been murderin dun yere; hits been ole Bullen; he's skin'd Sut, an' thar's Ms hide hung up tu dry.' Betts walked roun hit a zaminin hit, till at las' she venter'd clost, an' know'd her sowin. " Ses she, ' Yu dad dratted ole pot-head, that's his Sun- day shut. He's hed a drefful fite tho' wif sumbody ; didn't they go fur his har ofen ?' 'An' rine in 'bundance,' sed Bill. iu|>lete and instructive elementary work on Draughts vr fmblislicd. It is jtrofuscly illustrated with diagrams of ingenious strntugenis, curious jxjsitiojis and perplexing problems, and contains a great variety of interest- ing and instructive Games, progressively arranged and cleariv explained M ith notes, so that the learner may easily comprehend them. With th aid of this M annul a beginner may soon become a proficient in the game. Cloth, gilt aide 76 eta. Scattergood's Game of Draughts, or Checkers, Simplified and Explained. "With practical Dlngratns and Ulnstraticms, together \r\tl\ Checker-Board, numbered and printed in red. Containing the Eighteen Standanl Games, with over -JOO of the best Tariations, selected from various authors, with some never before published. By D. Scuttergood. Bowl In doth, with flexible covers 60 etc. Harache's Manual of Chess. Containing a description f the Board and Pieces, Chess Notation, Technical Terms, with diagrams Ulna- (rating them, Laws of the Game, Relative Value of Pieces, Preliniinvjrr Games for Beginners, Fifty Openings of Games, giving J1 the latest dL>- coveries of Modern Masters, with the best games and copious notes, Twent F.ndiags of Games, showing easiest ways of effecting ChockuiHte, Thirty- fax ingenious Diagram Problems, and sixteen onrious Chess Stratagems, being one of the best Books for Beginners ever putuiahod. By N. Maruche. Bound in boards, cloth back 60 ctx Bouud in cloth, gilt side 75 cu. DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, Box 30T5. KBW TURK. Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. READINGS AND RECITATIONS. Kavanaugh's Juvenile Speaker. For very Little Boy and Chris. Containing short and easily-learned Speeches and Dialogue*, expressly adapted tur School Celebrations. iluy-Duy Festivals and other Children's Entertainments. Embracing one hundred and twenty-three efieo- tiro pieces. i*y Mrs. itussell ILavauaugh. Illuminated paper cover. 80 CIS. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Ct3. Dick's Series of Recitations and Readings, Nos. ItolO.Com- yrising a carefully compiled selection of Humorous, Pathetic, Eloquent. Patriotic aud Sentimental Pieces in Poetry and Prose, exclusively designed for .Recitation or Keudiug. Edited by >' in. B Dick. Each number ol the Series contains about IBu pages. Him: in led paper cover, each . . . .30 Ct3. Bound in full cloth 50 eta. Beecher's Recitations and Readings. Humorous, Serious, Dramatic, including Prose and Poetical Selections in Dutch, Yankee, Irish, !Negro and other Dialects. J8J pages, paper covers 30 CtX Bound iu boards, cloth back 50 CIS. Howard's Recitations. Comic, Serious and Pathetic. Being a collection of fresh Recitations in Prose uml Poetry, suitable for Exhibi- tions and Evening Parties. 18;j pages, paper covers 30 Cts. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Ct3. 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Bound in boards, illuminated W Ifartine's Droll Dialogues and Laughable Recitation?. A collection of Humorons Dialogues, Comic Recitations, Brilliant Burlesques nnd Spirited Stump Speeches. 188 pages, paper covers JiJ ccs. Bound in boards, with cloth back *> J Cts. WE WILL SEND A CATALOGUE containing a complete list of all the pieces in each of the above books, to any person who will send us their address. Send for one. DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, Box T5. BW YORK. Popular Books sent Freo cf Postage at the DIALOGUE BOOKS. I7? Dialogues contained in tlicse booJcs are all entirely original; some of tliem being arranged for one sex only, and others for both sexes combined. They develop in a marked degree Ihc eo ccntricities and peculiarities of the various characters tchich are represented in them; and are specially adapted for School Ex- hibitions and other celebrations, which mainly depend upon the efforts of the young folks. McBride's Comic Dialogues. A collection of twenty-three Original Humorous Dialogues, especially designed for the display of .Ama- teur dramatic talent, and introducing a variety of sentiroentiil. sprightly, comic and genuine Yankee characters, mid other ingeniously developed eccen- tricities. .By II. Elliott McBride. 180 pages, illuminated paper covers.. 30 CtS. Bound in boards ____ ............................................... 50 CtS. collection of twcnty- ues, introducing Tan'sco, Irish. Dutch and other characters. Excellently adapted, for Amateur Per- fonnnnccti. 180 pages, illumiuuted paper covers .................... 80 eta. Bound in boards ................................................... 50 cts. Holmes' Very Little Dialogues for Very Little Folks. Con- taining forty-seven "New and Original Dialogues, with short and easy parts, almost entirely in words of one syllable, suited to the capacity and compre hension of very young children. "Paper covers ...................... 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Containing Original Verses For Autograph Allmms; T<> Accompany Houqurt*; Fur Hiftltility Anniversaries; Fur HW/'?i, Tin, Crytlal, Silver and Golden Werldings; Fnr A Ibum Dedications; To Accompany Pkilopena Forfeits; fur Conyr ituiation; Fur Yalemtistet in General, and all Trades and Professions. It contains also Two Hundred and Eighteen Original Acrostic Verses, the initial letters of each verse forming a different Lady's Christian name, the meaning and derivation of the name being appended to each. The primary object of this bookie to furniaii entirely Iresh and unhaoknoytvl matter for all who may be railed upon to fill and adorn a page in n Lady's Album: but it contains also new and appropriate verses to suit Birthday. Wedding, and nil other Anniversaries and Occasions to which verses otCom- pliuiuut or Congratulation arc applicable. Paper covers. Price. .3 J ct3. Bound in full cloth " . .7o CIS. The Debater, Chairman's Assistant, and Hides of Order. A manual for Instruction and Reference in all matters pertaining to the Management of Public Meetings according to Parliamentary usages. It comprises : to Form and Conduct all kinds of I Rules of Order, and Order of Business, Associations and Ctubs; How to Organize and Arrange Public Meetings, Celebrations, Dinners, Pic- nics and Conventions; Forms for Constitutions of Lyceums or Iiixlitutes. Literant and other Societies; Tlie Powers ami Duliex of Officers, with Forms for Treasurers', Secretaries', ami other Official Reports; Tut Formation and Duties of Commit- tees; with Mode of Procedure in all Cases. How to draft Resolutions and ether Written Business; A Model Debate, introducing the greatest possible variety of 'points iif order, with, correct Decisioiu by Vie Chairman; The RulfS of Order, in Tabular Form, for instant reference in all Cases r>f Doubt that may arise, enabling a Chair- man to decide on all points at a glance. Too Work is divided into different Sections, for the purpose of Consecutive Instruction us well as Ready Reference, and includes all Decisions and liulingH up to the present day. Paper covers 30 CtJ. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts. Dick's Ethiopian Scenes, Variety Sketches and Stump Speeches. Containing End-Men's Jokes, Negro Interludes anil Farces; Dialogues for Interlocutor and Banjo; yew Stump Speech's; Humorous Lectures; Dialect fi&rtc'ies and Eccentricities: Dia-'oyufs and Repartee for Interlocutor ami Unites; Quaint JlurlexffUf. Sermons; Jokes. Quips and Gags. It includes a number of Amusing Scenes and Negro Acts, and is full of the side-splitting vagaries of the best Minstrel Troupes in existence, besides A number of Original Itecitations and Sketches in the Negro Dialect. 173 page*, paper covers. . 30 Cts. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts, Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. Dick's Dutch, French and Yankee Dialect Recitations. An unsurpassed Collection of Droll Dutch Blunders, Frenchmen's Funny Mistakes, and Ludicrous and Extravagant Yankee Tarns, each Recitation being in its own peculiar dialect. To those who make Dialect Recitations a speciality, this Collection will be of particular service, as it con- tains all the best pieces that are incidentally scattered through a large number of volumes of " Recitations and Readings," be- sides several new and excellent sketches never before published. 170 pages, paper cover 30 cts. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts. Dick's Irish Dialect Recitations. A carefully compiled Collection of Rare Irish Stories, Comic, Poetical and Prose Recitations, Humorous Letters and Funny Recitals, all told with the irresistible Humor of the Irish Dialect. This Collec- tion contains, in addition to new and original pieces, all the very best Recitations in the Irish Dialect that can be gathered from a whole library of " Recitation" books. It is full of the sparkling witticisms and queer conceits of the wittiest nation on earth ; and, apart from its special object, it furnishes a fund of the most entertaining matter for perusal in leisure moments. 170 pages, paper cover 30 cts. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. Worcester's Letter- Writer and Book of Busi- ness Forms for Ladies and Gentlemen. Containing Accu- rate Directions for Conducting Epistolary Correspondence, with 270 Specimen Letters, adapted to every Age and Situation in Life, and to Business Pursuits in General ; with an Appendix comprising Forms for TVills, Petitions, Bills, Receipts, Drafts, Bills of Exchange, Promissory Notes, Executors' and Adminis- trators' Accounts, etc., etc. This work is divided into two parts, the portion applicable to Ladies being kept distinct from the rest cf the book, in order to provide better facilities for ready reference. The Orthography of the entire work is based on "Worcester's method, which is coming more and more into general use, from the fact that it presents less ambiguity in spelling, 21G pages. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. Mrs. Partington's Carpet-Bag of Fun. A collection of over LOOO of the most Comical Stories, Amusing Adventures, Side-Splitting Jokes, Clieek-extndiug Poetry, Funny Conundrums, Queer Suymgn i,f Mns. Partington, Heart- Jtendiiig Puns, Witty Kepartees, etc. The w hole Illustrated by about 150 comic wood-ei:ts. Uiuo, 300 pages, ornumuuted paper covers .......................... 75 cts. Harp of a Thousand Strings; or, Laughter for a Life-time. A book of nearly 400 pages ; bunad in a handsome gilt cover ; crowded full of funny stories, besides being illustrated with over 200 comic engraving, by Darley, ilcLennan, Bellow, etc Chips from Uncle Sam's Jack-Knife. Illustrated with over 105 Comical Engrnviiips. and comprising collection of over 000 Laughable Stories, Funny Adventures, Comic Poetry, Queer Conundrums, Terriiio Puns and Sentimental Sentences. Largo octavo ................... 25 CM. Fox's EiMopian Comicalities. Containing Strange Sayings, Eccentric Dojnps, Burlesque Speeches, Laughable Drolleries and Fun:iy Stories, as recited by tiio celebrated Ethiopian Comedian ............ 10 Cts. Ne4 Turner's Circus Joke Book. A collection of the best Jukes, Bon Mots, Repartees, Gems of AVitand Funny Sayinirs and Doings of the celebrated Equestrian Clown and Ethiopian Comedian, Ned Tur- ner ................................................................ 10 cU Usd Turner's Black Jokes. A collection of Funny Stories, Jokes and Conundrums, interspersed wiih AVittv Sayings and Humorous Dialogues, as given by Jfcd Turner, tiie celebrated Ethiopian Delinea- tor. ................................................................ lo ca. ITsd Turner's Clown Joke Book. Containing the best Jokes nnd Oems of Wit, composed and delivered by tho favorite Equestrian Clown, Ned Turner. Selected and arranged bjG.JL G .................... 10 Cts. Charley White's Joke Book. Containing a full expos6 of all tho Toast laughable Jokes. Witticisms, etc., as told by the celebrated Ethiopian Comediun, Charles 'White ................................ 10 cts. Black Wit and Darky Conversations. By Charles White. Containing a largo collect ion of laughable Anecdotes, Jokes, Stories, Wltfi- nd Darky Conversations .................................... 10 c& Yale Collep-e Scrapes; or, How the Boys Go It at New Havaa. This is a book of 114 pages, containing accounts of all the famous "Scrapes" nnd "Sprees" or which students of Old Yale have been guilty for tho last quarter of a century ............................. 25 cU. Gas. An Encyclopedia of "Wit, "Wisdom and "Wind. By Sam Slick, Jr. Comicnlly illustrated with 113 original and lan?hahla Engravings, and nearly ..00 side-extending Jokes ................. 3 J cts. Tin Knapsack Full of Fun; or, 1,000 Rations of Laughter. Hlmtratea with over 100 comical eaarravinpj, and containing Jokes and Funny Stories, liy Doestickaaiidothorwitty writers. Large quarto.. 30 Cts. T\t C-imfc^l Advfin 4- n?e3 of David Dnfficln. Illustrated with over one hundred Funny Engravings. This is a book full of fun ---- 25 CtJ. The Plate of Chowder. A Dish for Funny Fellows. Anpro- ciy illustrated witii 1w1nr ol'time.s it ina^r besiiiind'-d. The Instructor is lllnstr.iii'd with di:nrr.uua and explanatory symbols. 100 pages. Bound in lxmrd, cloth biick ..................... " .................................. 50 CU. Hard Words Made Easy. Rules for Pronunciation and A with instructions how to pronounce French, Italian, German, Spurn*!). Mid other foreign names ....... . ....................................... 12 CU> Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. Earey & Knowlaon's Complete Horse Tamer and Farrier. A New and Improved Edition, containing: Mr. Rarey's Whole Secret ol Subduing and breaking Vicious Horses; His Improved Plan of Managing Young Uolts. and Breaking them to tue Sudille, to Harness and the Sulky! Rules for Delecting a Good Horse, and tor Feeding Horses. Also the Com- plete Fanier or liorse Uoctor; being the result of Lfty years extensive practice of tue author, John U. Ejuowfion, during his lite un English Farrier of nigh popularity; containing the latest discoveries in the cure of Spavin Il- lustrated witu descriptive engravings. Bound in boards, cloth back, ou cts. How to Ainuse an Evening Party. A Complete collection of Home Recreations. Profusely Illustrated witii over Two Hundred fine wood-cuts, containing Round Games and Forfeit Games. Parlor Mu^ic and Curious Puaales, Comic .Diversions and Parlor Tricks. Scientific Recreations and Evening Amusements. A young man with this volume may render him- self the beau ideal of a delightful companion at every party, and win the hearts of all the ladies, by his powers of entertainment. Bound in orna- mental pnper covers gQ ctg Bound iu boards, with, cloth, back. ....".'.. 50 cts' metier- NV ruer. etc. 'iais is a DOOIC ol ready reference on the usages of So- ciety at all tiaies au.l on all occasions, and also a reliable guide in tue detail* of deportment and polite behavior. Paper covers 30 cts. Bound in boards, with ciotii buck- 50 ctsl Frost's Original Letter- Writer. A complete collection of Orig- inal Letters "and Notes, upon every imaginable subject of Every-Day Life, with plain directions about everything connected with writing a'letter. By S. A. Frost. To hieh is added a comprehensive Table of Synonyms, alone worth double the price asked for the book. We assure our readers that 11 is the best collection of letters ever published in this country; they are written in plain and natural language, and elegant in style without being high-flown. Bound in boards, cloth back, with, illuminated sides 60 cts. North's Book of Love-Letters. "With directions how to write and when to use them, and 120 Specimen Letters, suitable for Lovers of nuy age and condition, aim imdei- all circumstances. Interspersed" with the au- thor's comments thereon. The whole forming a convenient Hand-book of valuable information and counsel for tLe use f those who need friendly guidance and advioe in matters of Love, Courtship and Marriage. By In- poldshy North. Bound in boards .50 cts. Bound iu cloth 75 ct3. How to Shine in Society; or, The Science of Conversation. Containing the principles, laws and general usages of polite society, includ- ing easily applied hints and directions for commencing and sustaining au agreeable conversation, nnd for choosing topics appropriate to the time, pi-ice nnd company, thus affording immense assistance to the bashful and diffident. Itimo. Paper covers ?6 cti The Poet's Comrjanion. -A "Dictionary cf all Allowable Rhymes in the English Lanpnnea. This gives the Perfect, t ae Imperfect and Allow- able Rhymes, and will enable you to ascertain to a eei thirty vliether ant word can be mated. It is mvidimblo to ai,y one who desires frj court tho Muses, and is used by some of the best writers in the country ^ ctj. Mind Your Stops. Punctuation made plain, and Composition simplified for Reader*, Writers and Talkers 12 cts. Five Hundred French Phra,ses. A book giving all the French words and maxims in general use io writing the English language.. .12 ct& Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. But LovingOOd. Yams spun by "A tfat'ral Born Durn'd Fool." "Warped ana Wove for Public Wear, by George W. Harris. Illustrated with eight tine full page engravings, from designs by Howard. It would be difficult, we think, to cram a larger amount of pungent humor into auO pn"-e than will be found in this really funny book. Tne Prelaw: and i ud- icntion are models of sly simplicity, and the -J4 Sketches whicn Iblio.v are among the best specimens of broad burlesque to which the genius of the ludicrous, fir which the Southwest is so distinguished, has yet given birth, li'mo, tinted paper, cloth, gilt edges $1.60 Uncle Josh's TrunkM of Fun. Containing a rich collection of New Conundrums, MirUi-Provoking , frizzles, Amusing Card .[/it/ Astonishing Feats of Parlor-Magic. Comical Stories, Cruel Setts, Side-Splitting Jokes, Humorous Poet- Quaint Parodies, Burlesque Ser- mons, Speeches, uriiiu* Tricks, a / This book is illustrated with nearly 200 funny engravings, awl contains, m 64 large octavo double-column pages, at least three times as much readiug matter aud real fuii as any other book of the price io cts. The Strange and Wonderful Adventures of Bachelor Butter.ly. Showing how his passion for iCutural History completely eradicated the tender passion implanted in his breast also detailing hig Extraordinary Travels, both by sea and land his Hair breadth K.--cu|>i s from tire MM cold his being come over by a Widow with nine small children his wonderful Adventures with the Doctor aud the Fiddler, and other Perils of a most extraordinary nature. The whole illiuttrated by about 21)0 engravings 30 Cts, The Laughable Adventures of Messrs. Brown, Jonns end Rubiruon. Showing where they went and how they went, what they did, and how they did it. Hero is a book which will make vou split your side* laughing. It shows the comical adventures of three jl(y young greenhorns, who went traveling, mid got into all manner of scrapes and funny adven- tures. Illustrated with nearly 200 thriiliugly -comic engravings 30 Cts. The Mishans and Adventures of Obadiah Oldbuck. This hnmorons and curious book sets forth, with 188 comic drnwinr, the mis- fortunes which befell Mr. Oldbnek : and nlso his five unsuccessful attempt* to commit suicide his hair-breadth escapes from fire, water nnd famine his affection for his poor dog, etc. To look over this book will make you laugh, and yon cau't help it 30 (.^5. Jack Johnson's Jokes for +he Jolly. A collection of Funny Stories. Droll Incidents. Queer Ooneeits nd Apt TJepnrteos. Tllnstnuiiiir the I)rolleri"s of Border Lifn in t''e Wett. Yankee Peculiarities. Dufch Blunder* French Sarcasms. Irish Wit nnd TTumor. etc.. with short Ludic- rous Narratives : nviking altogether a Medlev of Mirthful Morsels for the Melancholy thut will drive awny the blues, and cause the most misanthropic mortal to laugh. Illustrated paper covers 25 ct3. Snip'vnaDs and Snickerinors of Simon Snodrass. A collec- tion of r>roll and Lanchnble Ktnrios. illiistrative of Irish Drolleries nnd Oii.inioy. Ludicrous Dutch Blunders. Qnoor Vnrikoo Trieks and I 1 Baokwoodi liDistinsr. Hii'tioro of Horse-trdine. XPUTO ComienliiieK 1'cr- flons ! 'ranks o!" Fighting Men. Frenchm'-n's Quwr Mitnkr>. Scotch Shrewd- ness, nnd other phnses of eccentric character, thut go to mnkf up a pt>rfoct ami complete Medlcv of Wit and Humor. It is also full of funny enirmv- togs 25 otSc Popular Books sent Free of Postage at tfte Prices annexed. Madame Le Normand's Fortune Teller. An entertaining book, said to have been written by Madame Le Uorinand, tlio ceit-bratcd French Fortune Teller, who was frequently consulted by the Emperor Napoleon. A party of Indies and gentlemen may amuse "thmse!v>.s for hours with this curious book. It teils fortunes by " The Chart of Falo " (a large lithographic chart), and gives (J-'4 answers to questions on every imag- inable subject that may happen in the future. It explains a variety of ways for telling fortunes by Cards and Dice; gives a list of "<9 curious old su- perstitious and omens, mid 187 weather omens, nnd winds np with ilie cele- brated Oraculum of JTapf.leon. We will not endorse this hi okas r-i>.l!ih!e; but we nssnre our readers thnt it is the sonrce of much mirth whenever in- troduced at a gathering of ladies und gentlemen. Bound in. boards. Cti The Fireside Magician; or, T-13 Art of Natural Mo^lo Mads Easy. Being a scientific explanation of Legerdemain, Physical Amusement, Recreative. Chemistry, Diversion with Cards, and of all tLe mysteries of Mechanical Magic, with feats us performed by Herr Alexander, Robert Heller, Robert Iloudin, " The "Wizard (;f the !North," and distin- guished conjurors comprising two hundred and fifty interesting mentalund physical recreations, with explanatory engravings. 13-2 pages, paper. SO cti. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 CtJ. Howard's Book of Conundrums and Biddies. Containing ove" 1.2JJ of the best Conundrums, Riddles, Enigmas, Ingenious Catc-he* and Amusing Sells over invented. This splendid collection of curious para- doxes will afford the materialfor a nsver-endiug feast of lun and amusement. Any person, with the assistance of this book, may take the lead in enter- ' taiuing a company, and keep tiiem iu roars of laughter for hours together. Paper covers 30 ct3. Bound in boards, cloth back 60 Cti The Parlor Magician; or, Oae Hundred Tricks for the kerchiefs and Balls, etc. The whole illustrated and clearly explained trith 121 engravings. Paper covers 30 Ct3. Bound in boards, with cloth back .....60 cti. Book of Riddles and 500 Home Amusements. Containing a curious collection of Riddles, Charades and Enigmas ; Rebuses, Anagrams and Transpositions; Conundrums and Amusing Puzzles; Recreations in Arithmetic, and Queer Sleights, and numerous other Entertaining Amuse- ments. Illustrated with GO engravings. Paper covers CiS. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 eta. The Book of Fireside Games. Containing an explanation cf a variety of Witty, Rollicking. Eutertuining and Innocent Games and Amus- ing Forfeits, suited to the Family Circle as a Recreation. This book is just the thing for Rocial gatherings, parties and pic-nics. Paper covers. .0 etJ. Bound in boards, cloth back i)0 Cti The Book Of 500 Curious Puzzles. Containing a largo collec- tion of Curious Puzzles, Entertaining Paradoxes, Perplexing Deceptions in Numbers, Amusing Tricks in Geometry; illustrated with a great variety of Engrayin-TS. Paper covers f Ct3. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 CtS. Parlor Tricks with Card?. Containing explanations of all the Trick ( and Deceptions with Playing Cards ever invented. The whole illus- trated nnd made plain and easy "with 70 engravings. Paper covers. .80 cts. iJonnd in boards, with cloth back 50 CtS. Popular Boo!i3 sent Frea of Postage at ihe Prices annexed. Day's Book-Keeping Without a Master. Containing the Ru- diments of Book-keeping ill Single and Double Entry, together with tht proper Forms and Uules lor opening and keeping comu.-nak.-d ami gi-iicral iJi;ok Accounts. This work is priutod 111 u beMuAUBcriyc type, and hence com- bines the advantages of u handsome style oi writiag ni.u its very simple and visilv understood lessons iii iiook-kucping. 1'Iie several p:in:s ha,\o ex- pi iiiations at tiiii b.>tio:u to assist tUe learner, in saiuil type. AS u put tern for opening book accounts it is especially valuable particularly lor uiose who are not well posted in llio art. DAY'S .UooK-KKKi-iMo ia uiu bi/e of u regular quarto Account Jiook, and is inode to ho li.it opeu for convenience in use d ; for Cash Accouut on page 13; for l>uv-Uook in Singly Entry, pages i5 to 25. Iso. 2 For Condensed Ac- counts, pages 9 and 10 ; for Cash Account, page i:>; for Journal in Double Entry, pages 34 to 4:1. No. 3-For Ledgers in Double or Single Entry, pages 26to44. liach Number 60 Ct* How to Learn the Sense of 3,000 French Words in one Hour. This ingenious little book actually accomplishes all that its title claims. It is a tact that there are at least three thousand words in the French language, forming a large proportion of those used in ordinary 0011- ver-i:itii)ii, which are spelled exactly the suuio us in English, or become tho same by very alight and easily understood changes iutuoir termintuion. 16- mo, illuminated paper covers ^5 Ctj. How to Speak in Public; or, The Art of Extempore Oratory. A valuable nvtnuid for those who desire to beco*ne ready otf-hand speakers; coat ii:iintr clear directions how to arrange ideas logically and quickly, in- cluding illustration*, by tho analysis of speeches delivered by some of tho greatest orators, exemplifying the importance of correct emphasis, clearness of articulation, aud appropriate gesture. Paper covers ^5 CiJ. Live and Learn. A guide for all thcr-o who wi>h to ppcak and write correctly; particularly intended as n Uook of Reference for tlie solu- tion of diiiicnlties e.onnecied. with Grammar, Composition. Punctuation. &.o^ &c., containing examples of l.O(H) mist ikuj of daily occurrence in speaking, writing uud pi-ouuuoiation. Cloth, lUmo, 2iG pag'es 75 CtJ. Tlie Art of Dressing Well. By Miss S. A. Frost. This boot ia designed for ladies andgentlfmon Tvho desire to make a fnrorablc impres- sion upon society. Paper covers A "0 Ct3. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 eta. Thimm's French Self-Taught. A new system, on the most simple principles, for Universal Solf-Tiiition. irith English pronnnciatlon of every word. By this system the Requirement of the French Lnnginen is rendered less laborious and more thorough than by any of the old methods. Ey Franz Thimm 25 Ctl. Tliimm's German Self-Tauefht. Uniform -with " French Sc!f- Tsught," and arranged in accordance with the same principles of thorough- ness and simplicity. By Franz Tliimm 25 ct3. Thimm's Spanish Self-Taught. A book of self-instruction in the Spanish Language, arranged according to tho snmo method as the "French" and "German," by tho same author, and uniform with them in size. By Franz Thimm 25 Cts. Thimm's Italian Self-Taugrht. Uniform in stylo and size with the throo foregoing books. By Franz Thiinin .25 CtS> Popular Books sent Free of Postage at tho Prices annexed. CARD AND OTHER GAMES. "Trump's" American Koyle; or, Gentleman's Hand-Book of Games. This work contains mi exhaustive treatise on Whist, by William Pole. F.B.S., and the rules for playing that game as laid down i>y the Hen. Sancho, Penuchle, .Railroad .Euchre, Jack Pots. Ecart6. Boston. Casino Chess, Chrekcrs, Imckgaininon, Billiards, Dominoes, and a hundred other polices. This work is designed as an Ainerieuu authority in (ill games of kill and chance, aiid will settle any disputed point. It has been prepared with great care, and is not a. ru-hash 01 English games, but a live American book, expressly prepared for American players. THE AJIEUICAX HOYLK contains o2.j p iges, is printed on tinu white paper, bound in cloth, with extra gift, side ikid Develea boards, and is profusely illustrated $2.00 Tile Modem Pocket Hoyle. By " Trumps." Containing all tho games of skill and chance, as played in this country at the present time, being an "authority on all dispnted points." This valuable manual is all orig- inal, or thoroughly revised from the best and latest authorities, and includes the laws and complete directions for playing one hundred and eleven differ- crent games 388 pages, paper covers 5U cts. Bound in boards, with cloth bick 75^cts. Bound iu cloth, gilt side aud back $!.5 Hoylc's GdHies. A complete Manual of the laws that govern all tmmps of si ill and chance, including Card Games, Chess, Checkers, Domi- noes, Backgammon. Dice, Billiards (as played in this country at the present time), and all Field Games. Entirely original, or thoroughly revised irom the latest and best American authorities. Paper covers 50 cts. Boards 75 cts. Cloth, gilt side iW Walker's Cribbage Made Easy. Being a new and complete Treatise on the Game in nil varieties. By George Walker, Esq. A very comprehensive work on this Game. It contains over 500 examples of how to discard for yonr own and your adversary's crib. 142 pages, bound in boards ....00 CIS. 100 Tricks With Cards Exposed and Explained. By J. H. Green, the Reformed Gambler. This book exposes and explains all the Mysteries of tho Gambling Tables. It H interesting not only to those w ho piny, but to those who do not. Paper covers <>u cts. Bound in boards, with cloth back *> y cts - How Gamblers Win; or, The Secrets of Advantage Play- inff Expooed. Boins- a complete and scientific expose of the manner c playing all the various advantages in the various Card Games, as practiced by 'professional gamblers. This work is designed as a warning to self-confi- dent card-players. Bound in boards, with cloth back 00 CtA DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, Box 53975. NEW YORK. Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. ^Martine's Sensible Letter- Writer. Being a and complete Guide and Assistant for those who desiro to c-'.rry m I'pir.t:* lary (,' :i of model letters cu the simplest matten of life, adapted to nil ages and conditions EMBRACING, Business Letters ; Applications for Employment, with Letters of Recommendation and Antrj>ers to Advertisement* ; Letters between Parent-sand Children; Letters of Friendly Counsel and lie- Letters of Courtesy, Friendship and Affection ; Letters of Condolence and Sympathy ; A Choice Collection of Lave- Letters, for Every Situation in a Courtxli ip ; Xotes of Ceremony, Familiar - tions, etc., together with, Notes of Acceptance and licyrct. monstrance ; Letters soliciting Advice, Assistance and Friendly Favors ; The whole containing 300 Sensible Letters and Xotes. This is an inraluv bio book for those persons who have not had sufficient practice to enable thorn to write letters without great effort. It contains such a varictj of letter*, that models may bo found to snit every subject. 237 pages, bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. Bound in cloth 75 eta. Marline's Hand-Book of Etiquette and Guide to True Politeness. A complete Manual for all those who desire to understand good breeding, the customs of (rood society, and to avoid incorrect and vulgar habits. Containing clear and comprehensive directions for correct manners, conversation, dress, introductions, rules for good behavior at Dinner Parties and the Table, with lii:its on cnrving nud wino at tublo; together with the Etiquette of the Ball mid Assembly Itoo :i, Evening Parties, and the usages t > bo observed when visiting or receiving c 11s ; Deportment in the street and when trnvelina. To which is added the Kti- qnetta of Courtship, Marriage, Domestic Duties and fifty-six rules to be ob- served in general society. By Arthur Marline. Bound in boards . .50 cts. Bound in cloth, gilt sides ',5 cti. Dick's Quadrillo Call-Book and Ball-Room Promoter. Con- taining clear directions how to cnll out the figures of every dance, with t:.3 quantity of music necessary for each figure, an:l simple explanations of all the figures which occnr in Plain nnd Fnney Quadrilles. This book (riven pi. tin and comprehensive instructions how to danco all the new and popular dances, fully describing The Opening March or Polonaise, Various Plain and Fancy (Quadrilles, "Waltz and Glide Quadrilles, Plain Lancers and Caledonians, Glide Lancers and Caledonians, Saratoga Lancers, The I 'arista n Varieties, The Prijice Imperial Srt. Social and Baskrt Qvadrillfi, fiine-Pin and Star Quadrilles, Gavotte and Minuet Quadrilles, March and Cheat QuadriQfs, Favorite Jigs and Coittra-Dancu, Polka and Polka Itrdowa, Jfedowa and Jiedowa Walt:, Polka Mazourka and Old St>/lc WalU, Modern Plain WalU and Olids, Jloston Dip and Hop Waltz, Five-Step Waltz and Schnttische. Varsonenne and Zulm a L' Oriental*, Galop and Derix Tempt, F.smrralda, fiicilimne. Danish Dane*, AND OVER ONE lit NUKED FIOCKFJI FOB TUB " r.EUMAX ;" To which is added a Sensible Guide to Etiijurtte nnd Proper Deportment in the Bull and Assembly Boom, beiiides tcvcuty page* of dunce music for tin piano. Paper covers ; 50 ctf. Bondin boards 75 Ct Popular Books sent Free of Postage at 13 Prices aanezed. Lola Montez' Arts of Beauty; or, Secrets of a Lady's Toilet. With hints to Gentlemen on the Art of Fascinating. L.la Mi;nicz nil clearly p-ivon, so that any person caa iiiider.stand them, and the -v\'ork em- braces the following subjects : Unw to obtain such desirable ar.d in- dispensable attractions as A Hand- s-line Form ; A nriyht and Smooth Skin ; ^ A Reautiful Complexion ; A ttractive Eiirn, Mouth and Lips ; A. Jieautiful Hand, Foot and Ankle ; A Soft and Abundant Head of Hair; Also, How tit Remedy dray Hair; And harmless b;;t effectual methods nf removing Superj'wcvt Hair and other blemishes, with interesting in- formation on these and kindred matters. A Well-trained Voice; Illuminated paper cover 25 cts. Hilljrove's Ball -Room Guide and Complete Dancing- Maxtor. Containing a plain treatise on Etiquette and T)oportment at Balis and Parties, with valuable hints on Dress aud the Toilet, together with Full Explanations of lite Rudiment*, Terms, Figures and Steps used in Dancing; Including Clear and Precise Ini-truc- timis how to dance all kinds of Qaad- rilles, Waltzes, Polkas, liedowas, Htels, Round, Plain and Fancy Dances, so tliat any person may learn them without the aid of a Teacher,- To which is added easy directions hota to tall out the Figures of every dance, and tho amount of music required for each. Illustrated with 17t) descriptive engravings. By T. Hillgrove, Professor of Dancing. Bound in cloth, with gilt side and back $1.00 Bound in boards, with cloth back 75 cts. The Banjo, and How to Play it. Containing, in addition to the elementary studies, a choice collection of Polkns. "Waltzes. Solos, Sctiot- tisches. Songs, Hornpipes. JITS, Kunls. etc.. with full explanations of both the "Banjo and "Guitar" styles of execution, and designed t impart a complete knowledge of tho art of playing the Banjo practically, without the aid of a teacher. 'This work is arranged on tho progressive system, show- ing the learner how to pluy tlm first fen- notes of a tune, then the next notes, and so on, a small portion at a time, until he has mastered th* entire piece, every detail being us clearly and thoroughly explained as if ho had a teacher at his elbow all the time. By Frank tf. Converse, author of the "Banjo without a Master." 16mo, bound in boards, cloth back.. 50 Cts. Row's National Wa^es Tables. Showing at a glance the amount of wages from hnlf an honr to sixty hours, nt from *l to $37 per week. Also from one-qnnrter of a day to four weeks, at $1 to :)7 per week. By Nelson Eow. By this Iwok, which is particularly useful when part of a week, day or hour is lost, a lurgo pay-roll can be made t dofs silver tarnish when exposed to light? Whi/ me some colors fade, and others ciii. n'licn exposed to the run) What develops electricity in tht cliiiidit .' Whi/ does dew form r"'Mid dropavpon the leaves of plants f IVIii/ i'.v the sky blue? This volume answers 1,325 similar questions. 356 pages, bound in cloth, gilt, and embellished with a large number of wood- cuts, illustrating the various subjects treated ot $1.50 The Reason Why: Natural History. Giving reasons for hundreds of interesting facts in connection with Zoology, and throwing a light upon the peculiar habits and in- stincts of the various orders of the Animal Kingdom. i: X A M P L E . Why has the linn fttirh a laryf mane f Wlut ilue* tin' uttri; when limit rink . xti'ini iiiini nut tin' xtfi-'itit .' Whii tin ilniix turn ii run ltd two orthrcc tillll'X Ill'flll-l' thl-ll li,- ll',: Wliil Imri'flilt finUt fhrir ii/i/ii'f xiili-x dark, and their tniili'i- xitlrx t'-hiti-f Wh;t tin xportina dntjs make what it ti-i-nil-il " il /mint ''.' Whi/ il" lilrd.t <[ftfi> rintxt ujtnn one Iry ' Whfi diifi'niix kp their nuiiitlm closed H-iiib' breathing .' Whi/ ilni'x tin' u-ri-ii hnilil several nests, hut i,i'i'ii/i'/ mill/ one f This volume nnsvvers about, l,. r >