GIFT OF 
 .-iss of 1897 
 
San Francisco Girl\ 
 
 and 
 
 Other Rhymes 
 
 (Including Some Gloom Chasers) 
 
 by 
 EUGENE J. BEAUCE 
 
 DULFER PRESS 
 
 560 MISSION STREET 
 
 SAN FRANCISCO 
 
Vo iAx<* e^sn/ C/L . v 
 
. . . T h e . . . 
 
 San Francisco Girl 
 
 and 
 
 Other Rhymes 
 
 (Including Some Gloom Chasers) 
 by 
 
 EUGENE Jl. BEAUCE 
 
 SAN FRANCISCO 
 1919 
 
GAV 
 
PS 2t>2 
 
 FOREWORD 
 
 In presenting these rhymes to a discriminating public 
 no claim is made for their poetic merit. 
 
 They were dashed off during idle hours merely for the 
 pastime and pleasure of the writer. 
 
 To those who read them with kindliness I am deeply 
 grateful 
 
 Those who view only with the critic s eye I ask to do so 
 with patience and Christian resignation, and I promise 
 
 never again to offend. 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
THE SAN FRANCISCO GIRL 
 
 (Written in 1917, when grim war loomed on the American horizon.) 
 
 You ve heard a lot of songs about 
 
 The diff rent kinds of girls; 
 The girl who hails from Dixie land, 
 
 At dances madly whirls; 
 But there is one who has the class, 
 
 She is a Western pearl, 
 She does her bit to win the war, 
 
 The San Francisco girl. 
 
 The Oakland girl is handsome, quite, 
 
 The Denver girl s a dream, 
 The Boston girl, a stately sprite, 
 
 The New York girl s the cream; 
 O er this Occidental maiden dear, 
 
 The Stars and Stripes unfurl; 
 She s loyal to her country grand, 
 
 The San Francisco girl. 
 
 She always knits for soldier boys 
 
 Wool caps and sweaters too, 
 If she should meet old Kaiser "Bill" 
 
 Not a thing to him she d do; 
 The girl from San Francisco town, 
 
 A patriot is she, 
 v She s bound to wed a soldier lad, 
 
 If she don t marry me. 
 
MY SWEETHEART 
 
 (W>jtten in my youthful days when mother came first. ) 
 
 I ve got the sweetest sweetheart 
 
 That I have ever had; 
 And when I chance to see her, 
 
 It makes me very glad. 
 
 I love the ground she treads on, 
 
 She seems to worship me; 
 And when she s in my presence 
 
 I m full of joy and glee. 
 
 She thinks the world about me, 
 
 And I, the world of her; 
 Should she fall ill, the landscape 
 
 To me is but a blur. 
 
 To me she s most attentive, 
 
 To her I am the same; 
 When I do wrong she s sorry, 
 
 But me she ll never blame. 
 
 She s careful of my comfort, 
 
 And gives me good advis.e; 
 And though I m sometimes boorish, 
 
 To me she s always nice. 
 
 When I see her at evening, 
 
 She meets me at the door; 
 She throws her arms around me 
 
 And kisses me galore. 
 
I m proud of her when walking 
 
 Along the busy street; 
 We get admiring glances 
 
 From people that we meet. 
 
 She says she thinks quite often 
 
 Of me by day and night; 
 And I must say, my thinking 
 
 Of her gives me delight. 
 
 Of course, she is much older 
 
 Than I, but I don t mind; 
 For she s the sweetest person 
 
 That one could ever find. 
 
 If things with me go awry, 
 Her heart will nearly burst; 
 
 I know among the many, 
 To me, she s "always first." 
 
 Perhaps you d like to meet her, 
 
 I m sure there is no other; 
 I d like to have you greet her, 
 
 My sweetheart? She s MY MOTHER 
 
 ROSEATE 
 
 A dainty, delicate creature is Rose, 
 In her I ve met my Fate; 
 
 The hue of her bonny, dimpled cheek, 
 Is ROSEATE. 
 
 I took her to a cafe once, 
 
 Her appetite was great; 
 It cost me ten to settle for 
 
 What ROSIE ATE. 
 
EDNA MINE 
 
 ( Written after reading the mining news about the ore taken from the 
 Edna mine, and dedicated to my wife, in the honeymoon days.) 
 
 All kinds of girls you have met with, 
 
 In story, as well as in song; 
 But there s one on whom you I ll bet with, 
 
 She s a winner, you ll say I m not wrong 
 I promised her never to tell it, 
 
 That I d never whisper her name; 
 But there ll be no harm if I spell it, 
 
 E-D-N-A is the dame. 
 
 Now Edna one day was seen walking, 
 
 In manner quite stylish and grand, 
 And with her she had a companion, 
 
 Believe me, a young married man; 
 A good friend of mine told me sadly 
 
 My rival ought surely to die; 
 But I acted quite far from madly, 
 
 For the married man, it was I. 
 
 I call her my dear little nugget, 
 
 And tell her she s better than gold; 
 She registers 24 karat, 
 
 The Simon-pure metal unrolled; 
 Now this EDNA mine is a caution, 
 
 She s just like a gold mine you ll say; 
 You never will know her true value, 
 
 I ll go broke prospecting some day. 
 
"NOT GOOD-BY, JUST .GOOD-NIGHT" 
 
 (Suggested by the writer s daughter, Alice, when she was three years 
 of age.) 
 
 "Not Good-by, just Good-night, " 
 
 Our little Alice said, 
 As her mother tucked her safe 
 
 Within her snow-white bed. 
 
 Then Alice drew a weary sigh 
 
 That presaged slumber deep, 
 As fitfully she breathed the prayer: 
 "Now I lay me down to sleep." 
 
 "Rest well this night, dear heart, 
 
 For angels hover nigh," 
 Said mother to her precious one, 
 
 Then whispered soft , "Good-by." 
 
 "Not Good-by, just Good-night, " 
 
 In lisping accents came, 
 With quiver of the ruby lips, 
 
 From the tired little dame. 
 
 And thus we trust twill ever be, 
 
 When life is taking flight, 
 To say, with hope of Heaven s dawn, 
 
 "Not Good-by, just Good-night. " 
 
"NEVER MIND" 
 
 (Suggested by the writer s daughter, Eugenie, when she was three 
 years of age.) 
 
 When things go wrong in our house 
 
 And Fate appears unkind, 
 Our baby, Gene, with sober mien, 
 
 Says quaintly: "Never mind." 
 
 If she is naughty now and then, 
 
 As babes sometimes you find, 
 Should you reprove, she drops her eyes, 
 
 And murmurs: "Never mind." 
 
 One day her best doll she let fall, 
 
 The one for which she pined, 
 She coolly scanned the broken mass, 
 
 And said, "Oh! never mind." 
 
 Once illness laid the dear one low 
 
 With tears our eyes were blind, 
 She raised her little pain-racked head, 
 
 Said faintly: "Never mind." 
 
 And so when things don t turn out right. 
 
 Bad luck toward you is lined, 
 Just take a tip from tiny Gene, 
 
 Say bravely: "Never mind." 
 
 A GOOD BOOK KEEPER 
 
 The best book keeper, I will say, 
 Is a friend who s very dear; 
 
 I loaned to him a book one day, 
 He returned it in one year. 
 
DADDY S (GOT A BEAU 
 
 Daddy s got a beau, 
 
 He thinks she s a beaut; 1 
 Daddy shows good taste, 
 
 We kids call her cute. 
 
 Ma don t seem to care, 
 Says it s up to dad, 
 
 Strange his monkey-shines 
 Do not make her mad. 
 
 Dad s beau is a blonde 
 That he pats and pets; 
 
 Gosh, how he loves her, 
 (Dad don t like brunettes). 
 
 Once dad kissed his beau, 
 Right in front of Ma; 
 
 She was cool as ice, 
 
 Said: "You foolish Pa". 
 
 Once this beau of Dad s 
 To the show he took; 
 
 Gee, they caused a stir 
 As people turned to look. 
 
 Aint it strange that Ma 
 Don t tell Pa to go; 
 
 The secret I ll unfold 
 MA IS DADDY S BEAU. 
 
10 
 THAT GIRL OF MINE 
 
 There s no such girl as mine, 
 Not one with half her grace, 
 
 In beauty of design, 
 
 None like her lovely face. 
 
 In figure she s a queen, 
 
 Her carriage, too, is grand; 
 
 Of her bright eyes the sheen 
 You could not well withstand. 
 
 I m sure you all have seen her; 
 
 Her mouth s like Cupid s bow; 
 Her general demeanor 
 
 Bespeaks a healthy glow. 
 
 Her laugh your heart would cheer; 
 
 She s gentle, yet she s brave; 
 To me she s more than dear, 
 
 And I m, well I m her slave. 
 
 Her hair is brilliant gold, 
 Her dainty form petite, 
 
 In fact her toute ensemble 
 Is incomparably sweet. 
 
 In knowledge of all things 
 She s great, it is reported, 
 
 And when this dear girl sings, 
 To Heaven you re transported. 
 
 This girl s enticing way 
 
 I really can not parry, 
 And there s no doubt some day 
 
 That she and I will marry. 
 
11 
 
 In a word, this girl of mine 
 The one of my selection 
 
 (n manner is divine, 
 She s feminine perfection. 
 
 There s no such girl as mine, 
 Not one among the many; 
 
 The reason I ll assign, 
 You see I haven t any. 
 
 THE BUD OF FRIENDSHIP 
 
 I gave to you a bud at morning, 
 
 A bud of beauty, wondrous rare, 
 Twas sweet to hear your grateful whisper, 
 
 That was as music in the air; 
 The bud was nurtured by a sunbeam, 
 
 It opened in its leafy bower, 
 And ere the sun had sank at even , 
 
 The bud had blossomed in a flower. 
 
 I gave to you the bud of friendship, 
 
 The bud unmarked by touch of art, 
 And your response, you murmured gladly, 
 
 But found an echo in my heart. 
 And when the sun had sank at even , 
 
 The rays that came from Heaven above, 
 Had caused that beauteous bud of friendship 
 
 To blossom in the "Flower of Love." 
 
12 
 
 THE DEAREST GIRL 
 
 She s the dearest girl I know, 
 And she s surpassing fair; 
 
 She s DEAR, take it from me, 
 For beauty, she s a bear. 
 
 Arrayed in garments swell, 
 She sails along the street; 
 
 The people turn to view 
 This classy* girl so neat. 
 
 Her gowns are a la mode, 
 High-priced at bon ton store; 
 
 Her chic hats, Paris-made, 
 Cost fifty bones or more. 
 
 Her shoes, of latest style, 
 At bucks fifteen per pair; 
 
 Her hose, of silk to match, 
 Cause many an envious stare. 
 
 Of gems she has a peck, 
 No stone that is not pure; 
 
 One might well say the cost 
 King s ransom would secure. 
 
 She has opera gowns galore, 
 Seal sacques and ermine furs; 
 
 She s but to say the word, 
 And what she wants is hers. 
 
 I think a lot of her, 
 Just why to you I ll show; 
 
 I, her hubby, pay the bills 
 She s the DEAREST girl I know. 
 
13 
 FOR A RAINY DAY 
 
 To her father Mamie said: 
 "Pop, you dear old honey," 
 
 As her face blushed rosy-red, 
 "I must have some money." 
 
 Then the good man gave a gasp, 
 
 Dove into his coat, 
 Put into her willing grasp 
 
 A fifty-dollar note. 
 
 Said he: "Pardon me, my pet, 
 
 If I give advice, 
 But try, keep out of debt, 
 
 Now you ve got the price." 
 
 "Economy is wealth, you know, 
 Don t spend it all, I pray, 
 
 So you ll something have to show 
 For a rainy day." 
 
 To a dry goods store she went, 
 
 While her spirits rose; 
 To her home she ordered sent 
 
 Twelve pairs of white silk hose. 
 
 In dismay the pater saw 
 
 What his child had bought; 
 
 Then relaxed his lower jaw, 
 Said: "My dear, I m caught." 
 
 See her face with laughter glow 
 
 In provoking way; 
 "Pop, I ve something now to show 
 
 For a rainy day." 
 
14 
 
 HOW THE BEGGAR LOST HIS TEACH (SPEECH) 
 
 Once I met a poor dumb beggar 
 
 By reverses tossed, 
 And I asked him: "Tell me, good sir, 
 
 How your speech you lost?" 
 
 Then he wrote with pen and paper, 
 
 (For he could not speak), 
 "I ll unfold the information 
 
 Which of me you seek." 
 
 "When I was a fair haired youngster 
 
 I was fond of fruit, 
 And my father owned an orchard, 
 
 Which oft times I d loot." 
 
 "Well, one day I wanted peaches, 
 
 They were sweet to me, 
 And soon I had placed a ladder 
 
 Up against a tree." 
 
 "Then up to the top rung climbing, 
 
 Tremblingly I reach 
 In among the highest branches, 
 
 For a luscious peach." 
 
 "Just when victory seemed certain 
 
 My attempt to crown, 
 Then the ladder slipped from under, 
 
 Teachless, I fell down." 
 
15 
 HOW THE BEGGAR REGAINED HIS SPEECH 
 
 Years passed by one day that beggar 
 
 I met on the beach, 
 And he said in joyous accents, 
 
 "I ve regained my speech." 
 
 Then I asked him to recount me, 
 
 How it had been done, 
 And he told me how the victory 
 
 Had by him been won. 
 
 "One day I was walking idly, 
 
 With slow moving feet, 
 Came a speeding horse and wagon 
 
 Dashing down the street." 
 
 "Suddenly one wheel unfastened, 
 
 At my feet it spun , 
 All the spokes had been unloosened 
 
 All excepting one." 
 
 "Then an inspiration seized me, 
 
 Friend, this is no joke, 
 I stooped down, and in an instant, 
 
 Picked up that wheel and SPOKE." 
 
 VOICELESS 
 
 "They re selling fine lots for a song," 
 The real estate press agent wrote; 
 
 "But I m in hard luck and in wrong, 
 I m hoarse and I can t sing a note." 
 
16 
 GRANDMA S BABY 
 
 Grandma has a baby, 
 
 What do you think of that? 
 When it first came to us, 
 
 Grandpa threw up his hat. 
 
 Grandma thinks that baby 
 The finest in the land; 
 
 And the way she loves it, 
 Simply beats the band. 
 
 Pink and white complexion, 
 
 Eyes of azure blue; 
 I guess if you saw it, 
 
 You would love it too. 
 
 Grandma spends some hours 
 
 With the little tot; 
 When the baby slumbers, 
 
 She sits by its cot. 
 
 Grandma stays and watches 
 Each movement of its lids; 
 
 She pays no attention 
 To us older kids. 
 
 Grandma loves that baby, 
 The reason it is plain; 
 
 The mother of the infant 
 Is her daughter Jane. 
 
17 
 WELCOME TO OLYMPIA 
 
 (Written for the dedication on January 2, 1893, of the new and mag 
 nificent Olympic Club building (destroyed later by fire) in Post 
 Street, and sung by the Stanford Trio Edward J. Angelo, Frank 
 H. Belcher and Eugene A. Beauce.) 
 
 Welcome, all welcome to Olympia s Temple, 
 
 Greetings of gladness in Olympia s name; 
 Let joy and merriment reign here supremely, 
 
 Drink up a toast to Olympia s brilliant fame. 
 Come let our voices, in unison resounding, 
 
 Reach to the topmost point of this Temple s lordly dome; 
 Again and again we extend you hearty welcome, 
 
 Welcome, all welcome to Olympia s Home. 
 
 Friendship is King from now and forever, 
 
 Let each Olympian grasp the other s hand; 
 May nothing cause this friendship to sever, 
 
 Let your devotion be known throughout the land. 
 May your share of happiness be full to overflowing, 
 
 Let Olympia s name enshrine your hearts where e er you 
 
 roam; 
 Once more we bid you all a cheerful Welcome, 
 
 Welcome, sweet welcome to Olympia s Home. 
 
 TO A LAND BARON ON HIS DEATH 
 
 He had a disposition to appropriate the Earth, 
 And he went about it with determination that was grim; 
 
 He was disappointed cruelly, his tone has lost its mirth, 
 Since he sadly realized the Earth appropriated him. 
 
18 
 
 WHAT DROVE THEM TO DRINK 
 
 "What drove you to drink?" I asked of a tramp, 
 
 Who drank and did not rue it; 
 And then he answered with humor grim 
 
 "My coachman drove me to it." 
 
 To another a similar question was put, 
 
 To him liquor had done its worst; 
 "You want to know what drove me to drink? 
 
 Well, Partner, I guess it was thirst." 
 
 Another one the same question was asked, 
 As we walked down the street together; 
 
 "I really don t know what drove me to drink, 
 But I think it was the cold weather." 
 
 Said another old soak in whom liquor had crushed 
 
 Evsry other desire in life: 
 "I don t like to tell what drove me to drink, 
 
 But between us, it was my wife." 
 
 A fifth red-nosed bum the same query was asked, 
 
 Pie dropped his lower jaw, 
 "I ll tell you, old man, what drove me to drink; 
 
 It was too much mother in law." 
 
 Then I asked another red-faced man, 
 
 (This one in all made six); 
 "It is easy to tell what drove me to drink, 
 
 I got mixed up in politics." 
 
19 
 
 A seventh rum-soaked party I met, 
 
 Before I had gone many blocks; 
 He said: "I ll tell you what brought me to this, 
 
 I lost all my money in stocks." 
 
 Said one on whom sorrow had left its mark, 
 
 "My friend, just let me think; 
 Oh yes, of course, the reason I know, 
 
 My troubles drove me to drink. 
 
 Another old man whose race was nsar run, 
 
 No words about it did he waste; 
 His reason, at least, had a shadow of truth, 
 
 "I drink, cause I like the taste." 
 
 Thus each individual has a reason to give, 
 As to who has performed the conniving, 
 
 And claim when they re asked what drove them to drink ? 
 That somebody else did the driving. 
 
 But if to inquire for the actual cause, 
 These topers would but take the pains; 
 
 They would find if there s any driving at all, 
 
 THAT EACH MAN HOLDS HIS OWN REINS. 
 
 TOAST TO WOMAN AND THE IVY 
 
 Fair Woman has oft been compared to the Ivy, 
 
 For when pain and sorrow adversity brings, 
 Like that plant, her devotion (to man) is unceasing, 
 
 The greater the ruin the closer she clings. 
 Now this likeness admits of another construction, 
 
 (I hope the dear ladies ears I ll not wound) 
 But some one arrived at this cruel deduction; 
 
 The closer she clings the worse you are ruined. 
 
20 
 
 IT MIGHT BE WORSE 
 
 When luck goes dead against you, 
 Don t worry, fret and curse; 
 
 Just pull yourself together, 
 Reflect it might be worse. 
 
 When illness overtakes you, 
 
 Requiring doctor, nurse; 
 Forget it, then remember, 
 
 The trouble might be worse. 
 
 When many bad investments 
 Make you gloomy, like a hearse; 
 
 Just quit your speculations, 
 Take heed it might be worse. 
 
 When horses that you follow 
 
 All run in form reverse; 
 Pray cease your foolish betting, 
 
 If not, it WILL be worse. 
 
 When the boss tells you: "You re fired," 
 In language hard and terse; 
 
 Don t stoop to melancholy, 
 You know, it might be worse. 
 
 When a friend who borrows money. 
 
 Neglects to reimburse, 
 Put it down among your losses, 
 
 It could be more and worse. 
 
21 
 
 When you hear a high soprano 
 Screech in manner most perverse, 
 
 Drink milk of human kindness, 
 Be glad it is no worse. 
 
 When empty is your pocket 
 
 And similar your purse, 
 Let this one thought console you, 
 
 It could not be much worse. 
 
 Now, you have read and pondered, 
 Don t criticize this verse; 
 
 Show a little Christian feeling, 
 You see it might be worse. 
 
 B R I T T 
 
 (Written when the lightweight was in the height of his pugilistic 
 career.) 
 
 Who has not heard of Jimmy BRITT? 
 At the fighting game he s surely IT ; 
 In many a bout he s fought and TIT , 
 And he was never known to QUIT. 
 
 He has a punch in either MITT 
 Showed Jabez White how he could HIT 
 A coward?, well now, I guess NIT 
 Of fear he doesn t know a BIT 
 
 He s plucky too and full of GRIT 
 
 No purse did this lad ever SPLIT 
 
 Aside from all, he s quite a WIT 
 
 The world s best lightweight, Jimmy BRITT. 
 
THE "LESS" AGE 
 
 They call this age progressive, 
 Where you re kept on the guess; 
 
 It is the Age of Wonders, 
 For everything is "LESS". 
 
 Luther Burkank, the Great Wizard, 
 Made spine-LESS cactus fruit, 
 
 He grows potatoes eye-LESS, 
 And string-LESS beans to boot. 
 
 He ll give us head-LESS cabbage, 
 And then some ear-LESS corn. 
 
 What is wanted by the "rounder" 
 Is a head-LESS "jag" next morn . 
 
 But what we really covet 
 Is more of pain-LESS pain, 
 
 And next he might endeavor 
 To make some rain-LESS rain. 
 
 And when he gets his work in, 
 He ll do one great big feat; 
 
 He ll fix it so in future 
 
 Horse-LESS radish we will eat. 
 
 You ve heard of smoke-LESS powder, 
 Smoke-LESS tobacco, too; 
 
 Of course, you know what that is; 
 It s the kind that men do chew. 
 
The brain-LESS fop is common, 
 The child-LESS pair we taunt; 
 
 They think the cry-LESS baby 
 Would fill a long-felt want. 
 
 They say an Eastern "savant" 
 
 Produced a sting-LESS bee. 
 He should set his wits to working 
 
 To make a bite-LESS flea. 
 
 We have the wire-LESS message; 
 
 War-LESS wars would be a boon. 
 They ll make wire-LESS bird cages 
 
 And fee-LESS doctors soon. 
 
 So now you know why this is 
 The "LESS" age why and how 
 
 All things are "LESS" excepting 
 The COST OF LIVING now. 
 
 A CIVIL SERVICE TEST 
 
 An examination once was held 
 
 For Civil Service men, 
 And Casey came to take the test, 
 
 Sat ready with his pen. 
 
 Among the questions that were asked, 
 One caused no end of mirth 
 
 "What is the distance from the Moon 
 In straight line to the Earth?" 
 
 Now Casey scratched his head and wrote; 
 
 "I wish to Heav n I knew; 
 But the distance will not interfere 
 
 With what I ll have to do." 
 
24 
 THE CRUISE OF THE YACHTS 
 
 (Written for the Corinthian Yacht Club, when the yachts named sailed 
 
 in San Francisco harbor. The names will be recognized 
 
 by old-timers.) 
 
 One day not feeling very well, 
 
 And somewhat melancholic, 
 Said I: "With all the diff rent yachts, 
 
 I ll go out on a FROLIC. 
 
 Of course, as everybody knows, 
 
 This really is a treat, 
 But without the presence of some girls, 
 
 No time is quite complete. 
 
 So I asked the handsome AGGIE/ 
 
 Likewise the gentle MAY, 
 And CLARA dear and ELIA sweet, 
 To join me in the bay. 
 
 VIRGINIA also came with us, 
 
 Played TRUANT from her school, 
 The VIXEN said: "Well, I m your HAIRPIN ," 
 
 For MIRTH it is my rule. 
 
 And ANNIE came along to cheer, 
 
 Likewise the chaste RAMONA, 
 And EDNA dear, who later on, 
 
 For us sang LA PALOMA. 
 
 And then she sang an air from NORMA, 
 
 And one from MIGNON, too, 
 And WHITE WINGS and the well known air: 
 
 "Whose Little Yacht Are You?" 
 
25 
 
 And so with each most lovely QUEEN, 
 
 You bet I was in clover, 
 All I can say: "A man s a fool, 
 
 Who would not be a ROVER ." 
 
 From JESSIE I tried to steal a kiss, 
 
 Twas a CAPRICE, but bah! 
 She s like my daughter, but she said: 
 
 CHISPA, (Cheese, Pa) or I ll THEL-MA (tell Ma). 
 
 But there was one sweet little dear, 
 
 To her I lost my heart, 
 And I was sure that CUPID small, 
 
 Had pierced me with his DART/ 
 
 So if you ll keep it quiet, 
 
 A SECRET I will tell; 
 "If you want to know WITCH one it was, 
 
 I ll whisper it was BELLE/ 
 
 The wind at first caused but a RIPPLE 
 
 Upon the waters blue; 
 But soon its strength increased, 
 
 There rose a WAVE or two. 
 
 And then a FLASH of lightning came, 
 
 That made us almost blind; 
 Next came a WHIRLWIND and a CYCLONE, 
 
 But that we did not mind. 
 
 For soon a welcome sail we spied 
 
 On the shores of Alameda; 
 And all of us were very glad, 
 
 To get on board the FREDA. 
 
26 
 
 Now I will VENTURE the remark, 
 Though you ll say: "I don t think," 
 
 But sure, up to the present time, 
 We had not had a drink. 
 
 No sooner had we got aboard, 
 We heard most joyous yells, 
 
 And through the kindness of our hosts 
 We drank to SEVEN BELLS. 
 
 And then we had a glorious time, 
 Which lasted till the DAWN; 
 
 And when the morning broke we found 
 That all the Yachts had gone. 
 
 LOVE LIGHT vs. GASLIGHT 
 
 He called on his best girl one evening, 
 They spooned in the parlor till late, 
 
 They spoke words of love to each other, 
 Both felt they had found a soul mate. 
 
 Says he: "Darling, I love you sincerely." 
 "And I love you, too," the girl sighs; 
 
 He answers: "I know you do, dearest, 
 I see the LOVE LIGHT in your eyes." 
 
 "Young man," said her father, who entered 
 The room as the clock sounded three, 
 
 "The light that you see is the GASLIGHT, 
 And the bill will be charged up to me." 
 
27 
 
 THE CRUISE OF CAPTAIN COOK 
 
 (Written for the Corinthian Yacht Club in 1894.) 
 
 A skipper sailed the ocean blue, 
 
 His name was Captain Cook; 
 What he didn t know about a ship 
 
 Would fill a large-sized book. 
 His ship set sail from Scotland s shore, 
 
 It s strange he never sank her; 
 He showed the crew a pair of scales, 
 
 Said: "Boys, let s weigh the anchor." 
 
 The anchor weighed, this Captain bold 
 
 Who used to drink hot Scotch, 
 Gave out the order to his crew, 
 
 To wind the larboard watch; 
 The cook said: "Cap , we have no eggs, 
 
 We re in an awful stew ." 
 The Captain said: "Why, that s stew bad, 
 
 I ll have the ship lay to (two). 
 
 The cook said: "Now I ve got the eggs, 
 
 I ll serve them up to you; 
 But I ve no wood to light the fire, 
 
 Whatever will I do?" 
 The Captain said: .."Why, that s alright, 
 
 Just go below, you dog; 
 To get the wood you need so bad, 
 
 You split the vessel s log." 
 
 He had a lady passenger, 
 
 One of the modest kind; 
 She d go into another room 
 
 Just to change her mind; 
 One night a fearful storm came up, 
 
 The rain in torrents poured; 
 The order came: "Haul down the sheets," 
 
 The dame jumped overboard. 
 
28 
 
 The cook unto the Captain said, 
 
 (As on the sea we tossed) 
 "If you know where a thing is at, 
 
 Can you say it is lost?" 
 The Captain said: "Why no, you fool, 
 
 Where did you get that notion?" 
 The cook said: "Well, the frying pan s 
 
 At the bottom of the ocean." 
 
 At this, the Captain gave a shout, 
 
 His spirits now had risen; 
 "I guess we better advertise 
 
 Because our mast is mizzen" (missing). 
 And then to make the matters worse, 
 
 Said he: "Well now boys, maybe, 
 Since we can t raise the spanker boom, 
 
 Some mother will spank her baby." 
 
 He saw a seasick sailor lad, 
 
 For dry land how he pined; 
 The Captain said: "Don t fret, old man, 
 
 Retain your presence of mind; 
 The sailor heaved a heavy sigh 
 
 And pressed his heaving breast, 
 "I can t retain my presence of mind, 
 
 That s going with the rest." 
 
 In sailing in to shore, he said: 
 
 "I know this harbor well, 
 In fact, I know the rocks 
 
 And their positions I can tell;" 
 Just then the good ship gave a lurch, 
 
 And struck a reef, I vow, 
 Says he: "You bet, I know the rocks, 
 
 Why, THAT S ONE OF THEM NOW." 
 
29 
 "STANFORDS" ON THEIR WHEELS 
 
 (Written for Stanford Parlor No. 76, N. S. G. W., and sung at a 
 performance given in Odd Fellows Hall in August, 1892.) 
 
 The latest craze that s taken up by all true friends of 
 
 sport, 
 
 One if care is exercised no danger you can court; 
 It s one that we call cycling, tis a fad that we all like, 
 Every member of Stanford Parlor is a rider of a bike . 
 Stanford Parlor, as you know, is always in the race, 
 In all kinds of contests it is sure to take first place; 
 Though the members all have wheels the truth it must 
 
 be said, 
 It is not so, as some say, that the wheels are in the head. 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 With shouts and roars we ride in twos and fours, 
 
 Feet stuck firmly to the pedals, each of us has won six 
 
 medals; 
 
 We fall off to see just how it feels, 
 Along we tear none compare with Stanfords on their 
 
 wheels; 
 We re on our way hip hip hooray for Stanfords on their 
 
 wheels. 
 
 Every member of Stanford Parlor has the latest fad, 
 They re all wheel-struck, and if they are not careful they ll 
 
 go mad; 
 
 Ed. Angelo is wheeling, I assure you it s no joke, 
 You can see him any day at the gas-house wheeling smoke. 
 Charley Steiger, sad to say, not even stopped by marriage, 
 Every Sunday afternoon he wheels a baby carriage; 
 There is Edward Casey s wheeling, it is sure to win yer, 
 It s making him so strong, he ll soon be Wheeling West 
 Virginia. 
 
30 
 
 Big Bill Daly loved a dame and on his wheel he went, 
 Dressed in his best suit of clothes, proposal his intent, 
 Unto the maiden now his words in passioned accents flow: 
 T ll marry you at once, sweet one, take me for weal or 
 
 woe." 
 Says she: "This is so sudden," but accepts his proffered 
 
 hand, 
 
 A year goes by, poor Bill is not the happiest in the land; 
 She s satisfied with half and she don t want it all, you 
 
 know, 
 You see now she has got the wheel and Bill has got the 
 
 woe. 
 
 Since Big Dave Martin lately has become attached to 
 
 wheeling, 
 
 He never is afflicted with that Monday tired feeling. 
 Stovepipe Hillman goes a wheeling for the Geisha dames, 
 And he is no more tortured now with those pneumatic 
 
 pains. 
 Gus Schleider has reduced his weight. Has he? 
 
 Well I should cough! 
 
 And he has met with great success, for he has fallen off. 
 You wonder why Al. Evans does no wheeling on the side, 
 That Honey Boy he is so fat, he d sooner sleep than ride. 
 
 NO GAS METER 
 
 Said one friend to another: 
 
 "I know a handsome dame, 
 I d like to have you meet her, 
 
 Helen Gaspipe is her name." 
 
 Said the other: "Nothing doing > 
 
 I must decline to greet her; 
 I ll have you understand, sir, 
 
 That I am no gas meter." 
 
31 
 HANDY S AUTO S ON THE BLINK 
 
 (Written in 1909, when the members of the then Board of Supervisors 
 experienced some trouble in locating their chauffeur and auto.) 
 
 Where is Handy and his auto? 
 
 Payot wants him in a wink; 
 But it s got a busted tire, 
 
 Handy s auto s on the blink. 
 
 Broderick is tired walking, 
 
 Will he ride? Well, I don t think; 
 The carburetor s got the palsy, 
 
 Handy s auto s on the blink. 
 
 Comte wants to reach his office 
 And with rage his face is pink, 
 
 For the gas line tank is empty, 
 Handy s auto s on the blink. 
 
 Hocks would like to auto homeward, 
 There to find love s missing link; 
 
 But he ll have to take a streetcar, 
 Handy s auto s on the blink. 
 
 McLeran says he wants the auto, 
 For the prize fights at the Rink; 
 
 But the crank pin is kerflummixed, 
 Handy s auto s on the blink. 
 
 Murphy says: "I never use it, 
 It s a hoodoo sure, I think; 
 
 So forsooth, why should I worry? 
 If Handy s auto s on the blink." 
 
 Booth says: "Sutro Heights is distant, 
 Seven miles to Ocean s brink;" 
 
 "Jim, I guess you ll have to hoof it, 
 Handy s auto s on the blink." 
 
32 
 
 "Why make all this fuss and bother?" 
 Bancroft says, with knowing wink; 
 
 "Own an auto and you care not 
 If Handy s auto s on the blink." 
 
 Jennings hears it all in silence, 
 
 Then says he: "Well, boys, I think 
 
 It costs a bunch of kopecks 
 To have that auto on the blink." 
 
 Pollok says: "Let s sell the old thing, 
 
 Or in the ocean let it sink, 
 For we re mighty tired having 
 
 Handy s auto is on the blink." 
 
 "Ah, come off," says Giannini, 
 
 You must have had a drink. 
 I don t give a dam Hetch Hetchy 
 
 IF HANDY S AUTO S ON THE BLINK." 
 
 ICY VENUS 
 
 On Milo s statue once I gazed, 
 Twas Venus in her beauty rare; 
 
 Her grace so sweet I loudly praised, 
 
 Said I: "Dear one, thou rt wondrous fair." 
 
 This armless maid impervious was 
 To flattery s most subtle shaft; 
 
 She deigned not e en to notice me, 
 No smile gave she, nor even laughed. 
 
 Her lips gave forth no answ ring throb, 
 No blushes of her face formed part; 
 
 She gave me not the joyful hand, 
 But showed to me the marble heart. 
 
33 
 WHAT HUGHES SHOULD WRITE TO WILSON 
 
 (Written just after the Presidential campaign of 1916, when there 
 was some speculation as to what the defeated Republican candidate, 
 Charles E. Hughes, would write to President Woodrow Wilson, if 
 at all. The verses brought a courteous letter of acknowledgment 
 from Mrs. Wilson, to whom a copy was sent.) 
 
 Friend Woodrow: Please accept my hand, 
 Though you can t hear my voice, 
 
 Congratulations I extend, 
 
 You are the People s Choice. 
 
 You polled 600,000 votes 
 
 More than I could scrape and glean; 
 States 30 swung around your way, 
 
 While I got just 18. 
 
 You won a gallant Victory, 
 
 My followers ran short; 
 The People picked you as "The Man," 
 
 That s the Court of Last Resort. 
 
 Some of my local managers 
 
 Just spilled the beans I guess; 
 What I regret the most of all 
 
 Is the CALIFORNIA MESS. 
 
 Don t mind what Willcox has to say 
 
 About that Recount Gag, 
 I take the COUNT, and you are "IT" 
 
 In this litle Game of Tag. 
 
 You did not have to buck against 
 
 Progressive jars and snarls; 
 You WIN I LOSE I ll say no more, 
 
 But sign myself, Friend 
 
 CHARLES. 
 
34 
 
 ONE HUNDRED MILLION STRONG 
 
 (Written when the entry of the United States into the war with Ger 
 many was being discussed and President Wilson was doing 
 all in his power to bring about Peace.) 
 
 We are with you Woodrow Wilson 
 
 In your fight for War to cease; 
 You re the Savior of our Nation, 
 
 You re the Champion brave of Peace. 
 To our Fair we bid you welcome, 
 
 May your time of life be long, 
 And we ll follow you to Victory, 
 
 100,000,000 STRONG. 
 
 You re a hero, Woodrow Wilson, 
 
 An American to the core; 
 You re a man the type of Lincoln, 
 
 You re revered from shore to shore.. 
 You re First in Peace, brave Woodrow, 
 
 And you know Right from Wrong, 
 And we want you for our Leader, 
 
 100,000,000 STRONG. 
 
 We ll stand by you Woodrow Wilson, 
 
 For you re a man of brain; 
 With courage that is fearless, 
 
 You re a ruler safe and sane. 
 You are a brave defender 
 
 Of our Flag we ve loved so long; 
 With cheers for RED, the WHITE and BLUE 
 
 100,000,000 STRONG. 
 
35 
 
 THE OPERAS AT A BANQUET 
 
 (Written in the old Tivoli days, when the operas named were all the 
 vogue some of them being popular to this day.) 
 
 The guests are assembled in pairs operatic; 
 
 MIKADO accompanies NANON so shy; 
 There s PATIENCE with DON GIOVANNI phlegmatic, 
 
 And MARTHA with ROBERT, THE DEVIL go by. 
 
 There s sweet AMORITA and charming PEPITA, 
 
 Escorted by FALSTAFF and LITTLE TYCOON ; 
 With FAUST, OLIVETTE; WILLIAM TELL with 
 
 GILLETTE ; 
 
 FRA DIAVOLO and MIGNON, who both came too 
 soon. 
 
 MANOLA and FALKA and sweet SATANELLA, 
 Bettina, THE MASCOTTE, with BLUE BEARD so 
 
 glum; 
 NELL GWYNNE, RIP VAN WINKLE and lovely 
 
 STRADELLA, 
 With all these celebrities how things will hum. 
 
 CLAUDE DUVAL comes released in TRIAL BY JURY, 
 GRAND DUCHESS has LUCIA and NORMA in 
 charge; 
 
 MARJOLAINE is on deck in a terrible fury; 
 
 FATINITZA, MARITANA, the number is large. 
 
36 
 
 DONNA JUANITA and SULTAN OF MOCHA/ 
 VIRGINIA, AID A and MADAME ANGOT"; 
 
 ROBINSON CRUSOE, who likes to play poker, 
 BOCCACIO who steps on GIROFLE S toe. 
 
 GYPSY BARON walks in with LA BELLE HELENE/ 
 smiling, 
 
 THE BOHEMIAN GIRL fascinates ROYAL MIDDY ; 
 CINDERELLA the LITTLE DUKE S heart is beguiling; 
 
 THREE GUARDSMEN flirt with GALATEA so giddy. 
 
 PRINCE METHUSALEM goes in with dear PRINCESS 
 
 IDA/ 
 
 BLACK HUSSAR marches with gay, martial tread; 
 BILLEE TAYLOR and LURLINE/ IOLANTHE be 
 side her, 
 RIGOLETTO/ who wished he had stayed home in bed. 
 
 ROBIN HOOD runs a bluff on the quiet SAID PASHA/ 
 Is bravely repulsed by THE SEA KING/ his pal; 
 
 Who says: "Just look here, you old masher, 
 
 You cannot bluff me, though you might BLUFF KING 
 HAL ." 
 
 VICE-ADMIRAL comes in at the sound of gun, 
 THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE will have lots of fun. 
 
 If you count you will find sixty-one is the sum; 
 Sixty-two, not forgetting the wise OBERON. 
 
37 
 
 THE TALE OF A PERFECT DAY 
 
 (Writen after Tax Collector Edward F. Bryant, the members of his 
 staff and friends, motored to Congress Springs on May 30th, 1916.) 
 
 Listen, boys, I ll tell a tale 
 
 Of interesting things, 
 When the Tax Collector s Club 
 
 Motored to Congress Springs. 
 Our Chief, "Ed." Bryant, he was there 
 
 In renovated lid; 
 Believe me, Bo , that "Eddie boy" 
 
 Is sure "Some Kandy Kid." 
 "Maurie" Rapheld, man of avoirdupois, 
 
 "The Man Behind the Gun," 
 Danced with all the pretty "chicks," 
 
 And his wife enjoyed the fun. 
 "Father" Twohig, President, 
 
 The starting gong did strike, 
 Said: "Bless you, children, one and all, 
 
 And go as far as you like." 
 Mrs. Sheriff Finn was there, 
 
 She brought her jovial laugh; 
 We only had but one regret, 
 
 She didn t bring her better-half. 
 Next in command was J. K. Jones, 
 
 The man who never flirts, 
 In splendid khaki uniform, 
 
 He looked like Major Shirts. 
 "Cupid" Angelo, proud as could be, 
 
 Rode in a Winton Six; 
 For one day Charles O Connor, 
 
 On him could play no tricks. 
 
38 
 
 Anderson, who drove the car 
 
 And "threw her in the high," 
 His wife and Angelo s daughter 
 
 Said: "We dearly love to fly." 
 "Jim" Miller, who is fond of blondes. 
 
 "Sunny Jim," he s not so slow, 
 Said: "I d rather be with Lady Ware/ 
 
 Than anywhere I know." 
 Barney Tripp with his broad grin, 
 
 He surely got our goats, 
 Kept busy while the dance was on, 
 
 Taking care of ladies coats. 
 And for his pains in doing so, 
 
 He didn t get one tip, 
 But Margaret and Adele said: 
 
 "We both enjoyed our trip." 
 Myles Walsh, who did a two-step 
 
 With the little dears, 
 Said: "I didn t think it was in me, 
 
 My first in forty years." 
 "Parse" Miller and Charles Broad were there, 
 
 And joined the little "Joys"; 
 Said Parse: "It takes me back to the 60 s 
 
 When Charles and I were boys." 
 And Poultney at the piano, 
 
 Brought back the days long gone, 
 Played "The Tipperary Christening" 
 
 And that dear old "Cruiskeen Lawn." 
 "Joe" Stapleton and Harry Kelly, 
 
 From Hayes Valley, came to see 
 And hear "Straw Boss" Comyns deny 
 
 That he was a "Simon Legree" 
 
And Cashier Ed O Connor, 
 
 Danced and charged no fees, 
 His partner whispered to him: 
 
 "Ed, please don t knock my knees." 
 Ike Citron, delinquent tax list kid, 
 
 Said : Boys, no need to hurry, 
 Forget there is a license tax, 
 
 Whatever you do, Don t Worry ." 
 The day passed merrily away, 
 
 Without a single mishap 
 Till Beauce a Twin Peaks boulder dropped 
 
 In Mrs. George Black s lap. 
 James Maher likes us to be civil, 
 
 In our service not to lag, 
 And Zion showed us how to dance 
 
 The late "Efficiency Rag." 
 McGinness and Harmon came in late, 
 
 Remarked they never felt better, 
 They said some one poured "Bevo" 
 
 In their carburetor. 
 I. Goldman looked in on the scene, 
 
 His auto horn he tooted, 
 Ike said: "I just dropped in to see 
 
 If all the girls are suited." 
 O Rourke and Carroll, James, 
 
 Two demons they for speed, 
 With Barney Oldfield in a race, 
 
 They d surely take the lead. 
 McCormick, Tiernan, O Brien, Devine, 
 
 Said: "It s a splendid cruise," 
 And Frankie Smith for one whole day 
 
 Filled the Tax Collector s shoes. 
 In Santa Clara Valley 
 
 Where fruit is doing fine, 
 
40 
 
 St. Clair said: "I d throw up my job 
 
 If all these trees were mine." 
 Homer Warren watched affairs, 
 
 From out his starboard lamp, 
 "There s no mistake about this game, 
 
 Never mind the Error Stamp ." 
 And Richardson was there 
 
 He was our guide that day, 
 Till he ran out of gasoline, 
 
 But we all found the way. 
 Phil Allen, he who has a scent 
 
 As keen as any mouse, 
 Said: "Now a license I ll collect, 
 
 I see an Apartment House." 
 "Milt Clark, Albora and "Bill" Carr 
 
 And all the thirsty bunch, 
 Drank up ten toasts to "Happy Days," 
 
 In Miller s claret punch. 
 George Black just nibbled now and then, 
 
 That night, when all departed, 
 Said: "What s the use of quitting now? 
 
 Why I ve only just got started." 
 Alice Beauce enjoyed the day 
 
 Which ended to her sorrow. 
 She said: "We ve all had so much fun, 
 
 Let s go again to-morrow!" 
 Charles Loesch, who "Bobby" Dennis says, 
 
 In the doughnut put the hole, 
 Said: "Boys, I m neutral, for I bake 
 
 Both French and German roll." 
 The day s success showed just one thing, 
 
 Tax Office bunch "Knows How." 
 Here s hoping many more we ll have, 
 
 I ll say "Good-bye" right now. 
 
41 
 
 THE MODERN CASABIANCA 
 
 The boy stood on the burning roof, 
 
 In his heart was black despair; 
 He looked aloft, he looked aloof, 
 
 No power could save him there. 
 And then around that fearless youth 
 
 The firemen aimed a stream, 
 But it was useless work forsooth, 
 
 The water turned to steam. 
 Soon through the horror stricken crowd 
 
 A man began to grope; 
 "There s always life," he cried aloud, 
 
 "Wherever there is soap." 
 Then grabbing up a large-sized cake, 
 
 He held it up on high; 
 "Play on that soap for mercy s sake, 
 
 That poor boy must not die." 
 Upon that cake of Castile soap 
 
 The water soon did gather, 
 And then that boy, with new-born hope, 
 
 Slid safely down the "lather" (ladder), 
 Another time that self-same lad 
 
 Stood on the burning deck; 
 His outlook now is more than sad, 
 
 He ll soon sink with the wreck. 
 But hope has been renewed again, 
 
 Just when all hope seemed lost, 
 And now to him, with might and main, 
 
 A bar of soap is tossed. 
 The boy for life begins to cope, 
 
 He will be saved once more; 
 For grabbing up that bar of soap 
 
 He washed himself ashore. 
 
42 
 THE MAIL CARRIER S DREAM 
 
 (Written on seeing a letter carrier carrying a load of mail.) 
 
 If I had my way the people would live 
 
 In certain prescribed locations, 
 In streets whose names would correspond 
 
 To their various occupations. 
 
 I d have the Ministers in CHURCH street live, 
 "C" street would have the Sailors; 
 
 The Jewelers in DIAMOND street, 
 In TAYLOR street, the Tailors. 
 
 The Candy Stores in MAPLE street, 
 The chewers of gum in SPRUCE; 
 
 In HICKORY street School Teachers 
 Could give their pupils the deuce. 
 
 Watchmakers go in ELGIN PARK, 
 In SHOTWELL all good Shooters; 
 
 To NOE (No) street I would consign 
 All Disappointed Suitors. 
 
 Confectioners in BAKER street, 
 
 BUSH street flower stores I d give; 
 
 In ARMY, FRONT and DRUMM 
 The Soldiers brave would live. 
 
 The Thieves and Crooks I d put in HYDE, 
 
 All Dancers go in TURK; 
 Of course would live on EASY street 
 
 Any man who does not work. 
 
 In GREEN street country jays would go, 
 
 In MARKET, Butchers fat; 
 To CAPP and BEAVER I would send 
 
 Any man that sells a hat. 
 
43 
 
 Bricklayers go in MASON street, 
 
 All Woodchoppers in FELL; 
 Some "Vodvil" actors that I know 
 
 In CHESTNUT street would dwell. 
 
 The Nuts would live in FILBERT street, 
 
 All Enemies in HAIGHT; 
 Upon front door steps in all streets 
 
 The men that go home late. 
 
 In 13th street I d surely place 
 
 The Hobo and the Jonah ; 
 The girl you call on that s always out 
 
 I d put upon NOT-HOMER (Natoma). 
 
 Moon-struck swains in CRESCENT street, 
 
 The Fuel men in COLE; 
 In CLAY the Sculptors colonize, 
 
 In POST street every Pole. 
 
 The Nation s Heroes would in GRANT 
 
 And WASHINGTON reside; 
 In OAK and PINE and GROVE 
 
 All Woodmen side by side. 
 
 In BATTERY street War Howlers 
 Their violent talk would cease; 
 
 And all along PACIFIC 
 
 The People who want PEACE. 
 
 AMERICANS in UNION street, 
 For then by that same token, 
 
 The thought most cherished by us all; 
 In UNION STRENGTH is spoken. 
 
44 
 
 STATES AND CITIES OF THE U. S. A. 
 
 Not long ago I took a trip 
 
 Thru our United States, 
 And saw a score of funny sights, 
 
 Which I will now relate. 
 
 I thought I d first go to SE-ATTLE, 
 
 But SAU-SALITO, who 
 Told me ARKAN-SAW her, 
 
 And MENDO-CINO too. 
 
 Says I: I ll go TO-PEK-A, Kansas, 
 
 Saw many that were poor, 
 But was introduced to LEAVEN-WORTH 
 
 A million dollars or more. 
 
 I made a jump clear into Maine, 
 
 Saw a lady BANG-OR hair, 
 When AUGUST-A wind came down the street, 
 
 And she had TACOMA (to comb her) there. 
 
 I saw a tough in Memphis, 
 
 He was playing TENNES-SEE! 
 
 Another man was MACON (making), Georgia, 
 And SANTA was his FE (Fee). 
 
 In MAINE a tall man took a BATH, 
 
 His conduct it was wanton, 
 He was the meanest man of all, 
 
 MASSACHUSETTS he was TAUNTON. 
 
 I saw the festive MISSISS-IPPI, 
 
 With sweet MISS-OURI in tow, 
 And MINNE-SOTA, too, was there 
 
 W T ith CHARLES-TON, her beau. 
 
45 
 
 I saw HELENA in MONTANA, 
 
 I tell you she s a BUTTE; 
 She just put her NEW JERSEY on, 
 
 My goodness! she was cute. 
 
 I saw a detective once in DENVER, 
 
 And a man you ne er saw madder: 
 He couldn t collar the crook he sought, 
 
 He couldn t even COLOR-ADO. 
 
 I saw a doctor LANSING, MICHIGAN, 
 
 A SUPERIOR man was he; 
 He said: "I m not ON-TARIO, 
 
 But I see HUR-ON ( you re on ) to me. 
 
 I saw a mother in New Jersey 
 
 PAT-ER-SON upon the back; 
 She sadly said: "And you TU-LARE (too Larry ) 
 
 Will leave me and will not come back." 
 
 A man unto me said: "HAWAII" (how are you?), 
 
 The question made me wince; 
 I said: "I m in CHICAGO, ILL., 
 
 And he has not SPOKANE since. 
 
 I never had a better time 
 
 In the course of all my life; 
 But I got sort of lonesome 
 
 For children, home and wife. 
 
 There is no place like Home, Sweet Home, 
 
 For there you run no risk, Oh! 
 And I am sure that I was glad, 
 
 To get back to SAN FRANCISCO, 
 
46 
 
 DUES DUES DUES 
 
 (Written in 1916 for the Dominican Convent, San Rafael, California, 
 
 and depicting the woes of the girl who collected the various 
 
 class dues. 
 
 Oh, pity the woes of a girl! 
 
 My mind I am going to lose, 
 My Brain is in a mad whirl, 
 
 Collecting DUES DUES AND DUES. 
 
 For four years I have been the tool 
 
 On the job, for I cannot refuse, 
 As Treasurer of the High School, 
 
 I m "stung" to rake in all the DUES. 
 
 In my studies I m not worth a dime, 
 
 I can t even read the War News, 
 I waste nearly all of my time 
 
 In a wild chase for CECILIAN DUES. 
 
 I can t sleep at night any more, 
 
 In daytime I can t even snooze, 
 With thoughts of that hideous bore 
 
 Of gathering in PICNIC DUES. 
 
 I eat all my meals on the hop, 
 
 My digestion I daily abuse, 
 At breakfast my eggs I must drop 
 
 In a scramble for ATHLETIC DUES. 
 
 With the query: "Have you settled yet?" 
 Or else: "To pay now do you choose?" 
 
 All day I throw out the net 
 
 To round up the CHARITY DUES. 
 
47 
 
 I know that your cash to unload 
 
 Is like lighting a gunpowder fuse, 
 
 With anger some of you explode, 
 
 When you have to dig up CLASS DUES. 
 
 A collector who nails a bad debt, 
 
 I believe I am going to use, 
 And maybe he ll help me to get 
 
 At least half of those PHOTO-PLAY DUES. 
 
 Now schoolmates do have a heart, 
 
 Don t make me resort to a ruse, 
 To induce some collegiates to part 
 
 With the coin for SODALITY DUES. 
 
 When you stand at the Heav nly Gate, 
 No doubt you will shake in your shoes, 
 
 For St. Peter will say: "You are late, 
 
 Have you paid up your SPIRITUAL DUES?" 
 
 DOWN TO HIS LASSOO 
 
 The pauper cried in accents sad: 
 
 "Whatever will I do? 
 This state of things will drive me mad, 
 
 I m down to my last sou ." 
 
 The cowboy heard his tale of woe, 
 And said: "That fact don t rue, 
 
 Old Scout, I never worry though, 
 I m down to my las-soo." 
 
48 
 LITTLE AND BIG CASINO 
 
 Ike Cohen played a game of poker one day 
 
 With his friend O Donovan Ennis, 
 And he knew just as much about playing the game, 
 
 As an Eskimo knows of lawn tennis. 
 
 It was Ennis deal and he passed out the cards 
 Until each one of them had his quota; 
 
 Both players stood pat and the betting commenced, 
 Quite as swift as an electric motor. 
 
 O Donovan says: "Ike, I have a great hand," 
 
 And the wind through his whiskers got breezy; 
 
 When Cohen said: "Ennis, I bet you ain t in it, 
 Dis hand vot I have is a deesy ." 
 
 They bet on their hands in a feverish way, 
 As if lives on the outcome depended, 
 
 Till O Donovan called and showed Aces four 
 And then the suspense it was ended. 
 
 Then Cohen smiled a most Hebraic smile, 
 And the green in his eye became greener; 
 
 "Your four aces, old man, are of no eart ly use, 
 I haf leetle and big Casino." 
 
49 
 
 CICOTTE 
 
 (There have been all sorts of arguments as to how to pronounce 
 the name of Edward Cicotte, who pitched for Chicago base 
 ball team in the world series of 1916 against the 
 New York "Giants,") 
 
 How Do You Pronounce It? 
 
 I m in bad for I knoweth not 
 
 How to pronounce the name Cicotte. 
 
 The topic has annexed my goat; 
 
 A local fan calls him Sy-Coat. 
 
 A pal of mine unto me wrote: 
 
 No pitcher has it on See-Cote. 
 
 A weisenheimer made me hot 
 
 The way he talked about See-Cot. 
 
 A pedagogue, who French had taught, 
 
 Insisted it is plain Sea-Caught. 
 
 A lady fan who mooched a ticket, 
 
 Said, "Ain t he grand, that pitcher Sick-et?" 
 
 My best friend solved the problem knotty; 
 
 He said, "I m for that guy Sick-otty. 
 
 A pug who was supposed to mix it, 
 
 Says, nuttin to it. His name is Six-it." 
 
 And then to thicken up the plot, 
 
 One fan yelled, "Attaboy, Kiss-ott. 
 
 Maybe it rhymes with apricot; 
 
 Now should it be, or not, Sic-ott? 
 
 A scribe exclaims, "that s all nigh rot, 
 
 The name will always be Sigh-Cot. 
 
 A boy fan shouted "Hully Gee!" 
 
 You should pronounce it Sick-o-tee." 
 
 The Giants say he s always trying, 
 
 And they pronounce him mystifying. 
 
50 
 
 I CAN NOT SING THE OLD SONGS 
 
 I can not sing the old songs, 
 The sweetest, best of all; 
 Their soft and beauteous melody 
 Sad memories recall. 
 
 I can not sing the old songs, 
 For bitter tears will stream, 
 
 And bring a saddened memory 
 That now is but a dream. 
 
 The Muse, who penned the dulcet notes 
 
 Of songs of olden times, 
 Has built a lasting monument 
 
 In those harmonious chimes. 
 
 Those tender and melodious tones 
 
 Pathetic in their strain, 
 Engulf my saddened heart 
 
 In a well of grief and pain. 
 
 I can not sing the old songs, 
 
 I really can not go them; 
 I can not sing the old songs, 
 
 Because I DO NOT KNOW THEM. 
 
51 
 WHERE SOME WOULD HAVE THE FAIR 
 
 (Written for the Pacific Gas and Electric Magazine when there was 
 considerable discussion as to just where the great Panama- 
 Pacific Exposition of 1915 should be located.) 
 
 They took a vote in Gasville, 
 
 Among bookkeepers there, 
 As to the site each wanted 
 
 For the 1915 Fair. 
 
 Said Hyland: "Just a minute, 
 
 Be sure and keep it dark, 
 I think the best place for the Fair 
 
 Is in Idora Park." 
 
 Conens next expressed his choice, 
 
 Said he: "You make me sick; 
 That Fair should be in Larkspur 
 
 Where the mud and dust are thick." 
 
 Then Collins had his little say, 
 
 "I know a place that s grand, 
 I d put your bloomin* Fair, old chap, 
 
 In London, on the Strand." 
 
 Then Angelo, the yachtsman, 
 
 Said: "Boy s, this is no "con," 
 My motion is to have the Fair 
 
 On the shores of Tiburon." 
 
 Said Boggs: "List , while I whisper 
 
 The best place that I know, 
 You stick the Fair on Union Square 
 
 I won t have far to go." 
 
52 
 
 Said Wrinkle of the "Closings," 
 As a fan he won some fame, 
 
 "Let us have it on a diamond 
 With continuous baseball game." 
 
 Said Wentz, who plays the cello, 
 As he smiled serene and bland, 
 
 "Just put the Fair most anywhere, 
 But let me lead the band." 
 
 Next Brearty spake his preference, 
 
 As a hunter he s not slow, 
 "I want the Fair on marshy land, 
 
 Where ducks fly very low." 
 
 McCarthy smoothed his golden locks, 
 
 Said, as he cast his vote, 
 "Let s put it on Goat Island 
 
 And get everybody s goat." 
 
 " Golden Gate Valley for mine," 
 
 Said Moon, "there crowds will follow, 
 
 And I will pulverize the man 
 
 Who calls the place Cow Hollow ." 
 
 The next to vote was Donovan, 
 
 Said he: "I m not a yeller, 
 But I would like to see the Fair 
 In one great big Rathskeller." 
 
 Fitzgerald said: "You take my tip, 
 
 To do it up in style, 
 The Fair should be located 
 
 Upon the Emerald Isle." 
 
53 
 
 Jim Murphy said: "You guys are fierce, 
 You re all mixed in your dates, 
 
 It should be in a quiet spot 
 With no electric rates." 
 
 Bigue said: "Quit your kidding, 
 
 I d spoil nobody s plans, 
 The ideal spot for that World s Fair 
 
 Is down at Coffee Dan s ." 
 
 Said Gewirtz, who must reach for books 
 
 Upon the topmost row: 
 "Please do not put it up too high, 
 
 Short men should have some show." 
 
 Said Kavanaugh: "At the altar 
 
 I d have My Lady Fair, 
 And next November I ll be sure 
 
 To join the dear one there." 
 
 "In my opinion," Compton said, 
 
 "So there ll be no mistake, 
 At Electra I would place the Fair 
 
 On the banks of Tabeaud Lake." 
 
 "We ll have that Fair," said Simpson, 
 (Of the "Weeklies" he is clerk) 
 
 "Way over in some corner 
 
 Where the boss can t see you work." 
 
 Then Haver said, with gentle sneer: 
 
 "You fellows make me weep, 
 The Fair should be in Oakland 
 
 Where we can go to sleep." 
 
54 
 
 Jack Willis, a subscriber 
 
 To the Fund, said: "You can bet, 
 
 I care not where the Fair is put, 
 If dividends we get." 
 
 The last to speak was Oldis, 
 "You all have had your say, 
 
 Why bother where the Fair is held, 
 So your Balance is 0. K. ." 
 
 Now every "bookie" has been heard, 
 With more or less of gas, 
 
 The writer favors all the sites 
 If he gets a season pass. 
 
 PRESSING HIS SUIT 
 
 Charles Gilsey courts a maiden fair, 
 But she keeps him a guessing ; 
 
 And though she is a fickle dame, 
 Still Charles his suit is pressing. 
 
 She now consents to marry him 
 And prove to him a blessing; 
 
 His tailor gets in on the deal, 
 
 For Charles his suit is pressing. 
 
55 
 WHEN WALLACE CALLED THEM UP 
 
 (Written in 1911 for the Pacific Gas and Electric Magazine.) 
 
 There was merriment in Gasville 
 
 The day the biters bit, 
 At the phone call left by "Wallace," 
 
 List while I tell of it. 
 
 First Burdick got a little note: 
 
 "Mr. Wallace left a call," 
 He rang up West 6140, 
 
 Ah! heavy did he fall. 
 
 "This is Burdick of the Gashouse:" 
 
 Said he in anxious tone; 
 "Mr. Wallace wants to talk to me, 
 
 Tell him I m on the phone." 
 
 "There s no such party at this place," 
 
 Came back the quick reply; 
 But Burdick, angry, said there was, 
 
 And the fur begun to fly. 
 
 "Wallace wanted me to ring him up," 
 
 The whiskered Burdick said; 
 "Go chase yourself," the man replied, 
 
 "You ve got wheels in your head." 
 
 Then Bonamy his legder dropped, 
 
 He took a great big bite; 
 When told there was no Wallace there, 
 
 Said: "Never mind, I ll write." 
 
56 
 
 Next Simpson got the word to phone, 
 But the man had got a "hunch/ 
 
 Said he, "Wallace is not here just now, 
 He s busy taking lunch." 
 
 "How long will he be gone away?" 
 
 Said Simpson, looking sour; 
 The answer came, "I m not quite sure, 
 
 But he feeds about an hour." 
 
 Then Simpson said, "All right, old chap, 
 
 This is Sutter 140; 
 Just tell him he can ring me up, 
 
 I guess I ll have to go." 
 
 The biting bunch just grew and grew 
 
 As one by one they fall; 
 There s Whiting, Boggs, and others too, 
 
 Swallowed bait and hook and all. 
 
 The last to bite was Kuechen 
 
 He wished to be alone, 
 So we couln t overhear his talk, 
 
 He went downstairs to phone. 
 
 "Call Mr. Wallace to the "phone," 
 
 Said Kuechen, "for they say 
 His business is most urgent, 
 
 So I called up right away." 
 
 Said the "Guinea" on the other end, 
 Whose patience they d been tryin , 
 
 "Say you, come off, this is the Chutes 
 And Wallace is a lion." 
 
57 
 PUTTING THE ENGINE IN THE ROUNDHOUSE 
 
 (Written after hearing the joke told by Mark Murphy, Irish comedian.) 
 
 Two Irishmen were fixing up 
 
 An engine near a train: 
 They hadn t finished up the job, 
 
 When it commenced to rain; 
 Finnegan said: "I ll put the engine 
 
 In the roundhouse here;" 
 Said Casey: "Faith, I never knew 
 
 You were an engineer." 
 
 Finnegan jumped into the cab, 
 
 The throttle he pushed down; 
 The engine went into the house, 
 
 He did the job up brown; 
 But then he pulled the throttle back 
 
 To stop when in he got, 
 And right out of the roundhouse then 
 
 The engine quickly shot. 
 
 Finnegan did this seven times, 
 
 To Casey s great disgust; 
 The engine shot out every time, 
 
 At which he loudly cussed ; 
 Finnegan says to Casey, 
 
 Who was doubled up with roars: 
 "When I had her in the roundhouse, sure, 
 
 Why didn t you close the doors?" 
 
58 
 
 CAME IN LATE 
 
 Of quick action I m not master, 
 
 In my movements I am slow; 
 But I really can t move faster, 
 
 If I could I would, you know; 
 I creep on by easy stages, 
 
 Ling ring death will be my fate, 
 All my family has, for ages, 
 
 Been renowned for coming late. 
 
 I m not what you call a gambler, 
 
 Nor am I a two time sport, 
 But sometimes I bet a dollar, 
 
 And horse racing is my forte; 
 Once I thought I picked a winnex-, 
 
 Bet my clothes, for I am game; 
 The horse came late or I m a sinner, 
 
 And I think the skate went lame. 
 
 Once I courted a fair maiden, 
 
 Asked her to become my wife, 
 My heart with joy was overladen, 
 
 When she said: "I m yours for life." 
 All was ready for the marriage, 
 
 It was set for half past eight, 
 I jumped into a waiting carriage, 
 
 But as usual, I came late. 
 
 I m not what you might call pious, 
 Still I am not bad, you know, 
 
 My devotion s on the bias, 
 But to church I sometimes go; 
 
59 
 
 On last Sunday said our pastor: 
 "An extra collection we will take"; 
 
 I could not move any faster, 
 And, of course, I came in late. 
 
 One night last week I was dreaming, 
 
 As I lay asleep in bed; 
 With strange things my brain was teeming, 
 
 And I dreamed that I was dead; 
 Then I started out for Heaven, 
 
 When I came up to the Gate, 
 Read a sign, "We close at seven," 
 
 Then I saw that I came late. 
 
 ENVOI 
 
 "You came in late," said Peter with a yell, 
 "You came in late," tis sad to tell; 
 
 "The best thing you can do, 
 
 Is to go right back to Oakland, 
 
 Just because you came in late." 
 
 CLIMATE 
 
 If you wander up a mountain side, 
 With full intent to mine it; 
 
 To get up to the top you have 
 To CLIMB IT. 
 
 Why folks to California come? 
 
 (Dear me, I ll have to rhyme it) 
 Just what attracts them is, you know: 
 
 The CLIMATE. 
 
60 
 HE S GOT IT NOW 
 
 To have a sweetheart was his joy, 
 
 He s got her now; 
 She was gold without alloy, 
 
 She s diff rent now. 
 She s quite expensive, he ll confess, 
 
 Seven times a week he calls, no less, 
 Exactly with how much success, 
 
 I ll tell you now. 
 
 To save the cost he made her wife, 
 
 He s got her now; 
 If he knew not sorrow in this life, 
 
 He knows it now. 
 She makes him dance a merry dance, 
 
 At her slightest wish he has to prance, 
 And since they re wed he wears no pants, 
 
 She wears them now. 
 
 "A child," says he, "is just the thing," 
 
 They have it now; 
 In fact, the plural I should sing; 
 
 They have seven now. 
 All night he walks the bedroom floor, 
 
 The carpet tacks extract his gore, 
 I guess he don t want any more, 
 
 He s got plenty now. 
 
 A divorce he eagerly has sought, 
 
 He s got it now; 
 Such a thing is quickly bought, 
 
 He s got it now. 
 To live as ten, it will not do, 
 
 She the one, he nought, would you? 
 They thought it best to live as two, 
 
 As they did ere now. 
 
61 
 
 ENVOI 
 
 As they do now, 
 
 It s really best, I vow; 
 The judge to her gave the decree, 
 He lost the case and also she, 
 His salary no more he ll see, 
 
 She draws it now. 
 
 FIFTY-FIFTY 
 
 Mary and John were married, 
 
 Contented as could be; 
 They had a bouncing baby, 
 
 It s like you ne er did see. 
 
 One night they were awakened 
 
 By their precious son, 
 He soon became so noisy, 
 
 Something had to be done. 
 
 "Get up and rock the baby," 
 Sweetly said Mary to John; 
 
 "You get up, Mary darling, 
 I am tired," said John; 
 
 "Half of it s yours," said Mary, 
 John said: "I know that well, 
 
 You get up and rock your half, dear, 
 Let my half holler and yell." 
 
62 
 DOWN IN MILL VALLEY 
 
 (A crazy quilt of words.) 
 
 Down in Mill Valley, where cuckoos used to cook, 
 
 We were so happy because we were so glad; 
 Down in Mill Valley, where reed birds would read books, 
 
 We ne er got angry because we ne er got mad. 
 There where the posies sweet oft times used to pose, 
 
 We would always keep awake because we could not 
 
 sleep : 
 And where the turnips in their beds would turn, 
 
 We would never cry because we could not weep. 
 
 Down in Mill Valley, where cauliflowers call 
 
 To see the nosegays who at noses gaze; 
 Down in Mill Valley, where footprints used to print, 
 
 And where wheat and oats and corn would put you in 
 
 a maize (maze). 
 We would never work because we nothing had to do, 
 
 We would count the grass and wild flowers we d tame; 
 And from grasshoppers we d make beer of their hops, 
 
 In Mill Valley, you can bet, we got there just the same. 
 
 Down in Mill Valley, where the lions used to lie, 
 
 And where the elephant would tightly pack his trunk; 
 There we d make butter from the little butterfly, 
 
 And we all would sober keep, cause we would not get 
 
 drunk. 
 There Welsh rarebit was a sponge dipped in mustard hot, 
 
 We would always walk because we did not ride; 
 And from eating corn our voices husky got, 
 
 Every one of us did live because none of us died. 
 
63 
 
 A SUDDEN DISLIKE 
 
 Maybe youVe heard of the courtship 
 
 Of lovely Bessie and Ned; 
 When he proposed to his charmer, 
 
 She said that him she d wed. 
 Dressed in their best they proceeded 
 
 To the pastor s home; 
 He was good at knot-tying, 
 
 And said in solemn tone: 
 
 "For your wife do you take this lady?" 
 
 "You bet I do," said Ned; 
 "Do you take this man for your husband?" 
 
 "No, I don t," Bessie said; 
 "Well miss, tell me the reason, 
 
 Really this is a sin." 
 "Well, please sir, you see I ve taken 
 
 A SUDDEN DISLIKE TO HIM." 
 
 Bessie said she was mistaken, 
 
 As time went quickly by; 
 Twas she who made the proposal, 
 
 Leap year, the reason why. 
 Just as before they were standing 
 
 At the altar, she dressed in lace; 
 And in front of the marrier, 
 
 This is what took place: 
 
 "This man do you take for your husband?" 
 
 "Yes," Bessie blushingly said; 
 "For your wife do you take this lady?" 
 
 "No, I don t," said Ned; 
 The pastor got quite angry, 
 
 "Tell me the reason, sir." 
 Ned said: "You see, I ve taken 
 
 A SUDDEN DISLIKE TO HER." 
 
64 
 
 A vow was then made by Bessie; 
 
 That Ned she never would wed; 
 That Bess he never would marry, 
 
 Was firmly sworn by Ned. 
 The old love, however, returning, 
 
 They planned to try it again; 
 This time was the last, and the pastor 
 
 Intoned the same refrain: 
 
 "For your wife do you take this lady?" 
 
 "This time I do," says Ned; 
 "This man do you take for your husband?" 
 
 "Yes," firmly Bessie said; 
 "I won t marry you," says the pastor; 
 
 They said: "Why are you loath?" 
 "I ll tell you, you see I ve taken 
 
 A SUDDEN DISLIKE TO BOTH." 
 
 TOO MUCH GAS AT $1.00 PER 1000 
 
 A man had an awful bad tooth, 
 The pain it was simply intense; 
 
 Said the dentist: "I ll pull it for you, 
 The cost it will be 50 cents." 
 
 With gas it s one dollar more, 
 To do the job painlessly neat"; 
 
 Said the man: "Great Guns" must I take 
 1000 full cubic feet?" 
 
65 
 HAZEL GREEN 
 
 (The first song I ever wrote.) 
 
 I m in love with a girl y hair golden, curly 
 
 Eyes just as bright as the sun in its glow; 
 Exquisite features, cheeks rosy, like peaches; 
 
 Her pretty small mouth is bent like Cupid s bow. 
 My love, she has stated, is reciprocated. 
 
 When I am not by her for me she will pine; 
 This pink of perfection will bear an inspection, 
 
 This female divinity I m sure is mine. 
 
 CHORUS 
 She is the sweetest girl I ever met, 
 
 No other one like her have I ever seen; 
 I love this creature, on her my heart is set, 
 
 She s the pride of my life, and she s in it, Hazel Green. 
 
 I am her steady, and always ready 
 
 To take her to theatres, parties or hops; 
 I blow all my money on this little honey, 
 
 My finances now are subject to drops. 
 I ll go broke if I tarry, says I: "Let us marry, 
 
 Be mine," said I to her, "Fill my pleasure cup;" 
 Says she, laughing gaily: "I m engaged to Bill Daly;" 
 
 She was always a riddle, so I gave her up. 
 
 SECOND CHORUS 
 She s not the sweetest girl I ever met, 
 
 A million others more bewitchingly charming have I 
 
 seen; 
 I don t like this creaiure, on another my heart is set, 
 
 She s like the man that drives a hack, she s not in it/ 
 Hazel Green. 
 
66 
 
 JINGLES 
 
 A man a widow was consoling 
 
 For the loss of her worst half; 
 
 He surmised she had a fortune, 
 
 And he courted her with chaff. 
 Did he leave you much, my darling?" 
 Asked the man in great delight; 
 
 And the widow answered sadly: 
 "He left me almost every night." 
 
 Once a man went in a chop-house, 
 
 And he called a waitress nigh; 
 "Please bring me a glass of water," 
 
 Which she did as she passed by. 
 Said the man unto the waitress: 
 
 "Is this water fresh I see?" 
 "I don t know," replied the lady, 
 
 "It hasn t said a thing to me." 
 
 Little Alice had been naughty, 
 
 As she sat in her high chair; 
 Said her father, who was angry: 
 
 "I will spank you, so take care"; 
 Answered quick the little maiden, 
 
 While a frown came on her brow; 
 As she lisped out: "You can t spank me, 
 
 "Cause I m sitting on it now." 
 
 Once a friend said to another, 
 
 Whose wife had run away; 
 "It is true your wife has left you?" 
 
 "Yes, she left me yesterday; 
 
67 
 
 But that s not the worst that s happened," 
 Said his friend with look quite black; 
 
 "What do you mean? quick, tell me," 
 "I just heard she s coming back." 
 
 Once I said unto a waiter, 
 
 At my table standing by, 
 When he came to take my order: 
 
 "Have you got some nice mince pie?" 
 Said he: "We have got the finest, 
 
 Like your mother used to bake;" 
 Then I said: "Please Mr. Waiter, 
 
 Bring me a piece of angel cake." 
 
 Said a stage man in a show house, 
 
 "Is a party here to-night, 
 With a wooden leg, by name of 
 
 Alexander Daniel White?" 
 Then a boy up in the galPry 
 
 Took the stage man, down a peg; 
 Said he: "Please tell us, Mister, 
 
 What s the name of his other leg?" 
 
 GREAT AND SMALL 
 
 Charley Soakum is the greatest man 
 
 I ve seen in many moons; 
 That is in his peculiar way 
 
 He s a great man in saloons. 
 
 You ll find the truth of what I say, 
 
 Where ever you may roam: 
 A man who s great in a saloon, 
 
 Is very small at home. 
 
68 
 SWEET SU CIDE 
 
 Johnnie Brown was courting Hazel Green; 
 
 We guessed they would be wed; 
 But we soon found we had to guess again, 
 
 She jilted John, tis said. 
 A last epistle then to her he wrote, 
 
 She read it, how she cried: 
 "False, fickle Hazel, now I go to meet 
 
 My fate by grim su cide." 
 
 In going home to do the wicked deed, 
 
 John met sweet Susan White, 
 A girl he had not seen in many years, 
 
 Now Sue was "out of sight." 
 He quite forgot to carry out his tnreat, 
 
 And said: "She ll be my bride; 
 I m color-blind, and now I go to meet 
 
 My fate by sweet Sue s side." 
 
 CHRISTMAS GIFTS 
 
 Three boys were discussing the gifts 
 
 Which Santa Glaus brought unto each; 
 One said he received a red cart, 
 
 Said the second: "My bike is a peach ." 
 
 The third kept a silence discreet, 
 
 (As he gazed in the eyes of his pup) 
 When asked what for Christmas he got, 
 He sadly replied: "I got up." 
 
THE BURGLAR S DECISION 
 
 (Idea suggested at a vaudeville show.) 
 
 A burglar started out one night to ply his wicked trade, 
 And by mistake be got into the room of an old maid; 
 He had no sooner entered when he heard her footsteps near, 
 And underneath the bed he crept in trembling and in 
 fear. 
 
 The old maid came into the room with slow and meas 
 ured tread, 
 
 For once in her existence she forgot to look under the bed; 
 
 Upon the table she placed the lamp, to retire was her 
 intent, 
 
 Commenced to disrobe not knowing that so near there 
 was a gent. 
 
 The first thing that she did was to remove her false, 
 
 blonde hair, 
 And then her wooden leg she placed with care upon the 
 
 chair, 
 
 The burglar saw her then remove her artificial eye, 
 And almost fainted when her false teeth she had placed 
 
 close by. 
 
 The transformation threw the burglar into a nervous fit, 
 The old maid heard him move but was not scared a single 
 
 bit; 
 He tried to run away from sights that filled him with 
 
 great dread, 
 And then she pointed a Colt s revolver at his shivering 
 
 head. 
 
70 
 
 The burglar quickly dropped into a chair, no more he ran, 
 The old maid giggled and then said: "Why bless me, 
 
 it s a man, 
 At last my prayers are answered and I ll shed some joyous 
 
 tears, 
 I ve got what I ve been looking for, for 17 long years." 
 
 "You forced your way into my room, you naughty man," 
 
 says she, 
 
 I ll shoot you dead as sure as fate if you don t marry me;" 
 The burglar saw with frightened eyes there was no 
 
 chance to scoot , 
 He looked at her teeth and wooden leg and said: "For 
 
 God s sake, shoot!" 
 
 THE NEWSPAPER PEST IN THE STREET CAR 
 
 Of all the pests who are at large, 
 
 There s one who s got to die; 
 He s the one who sits beside you, 
 
 Pokes his paper in your eye. 
 
 He has a big twin brother, 
 
 Some day his nerve I ll check; 
 He s the bird who sits behind you, 
 
 Jabs his paper in your neck. 
 
71 
 
 OH DEAR! 
 
 "Oh dear," said Mrs. Newlywed, 
 
 "My heart is nearly broke ; 
 My coal stove would not draw today; 
 
 I was stifled by the smoke. 
 From soot I was a perfect fright, 
 
 It made me feel quite blue; 
 My coal bills are so very high, 
 
 I don t know what to do." 
 "My dear," said Mrs. Upto-Date, 
 
 "Your story is not strange; 
 I suffered just as much as you, 
 
 Till I bought a nice gas range. 
 And now no trouble troubles me, 
 
 No coal bills make me pine. 
 Joy reigns supreme in our home, 
 
 No ash, or soot, or smoke in mine." 
 
 ENVOI 
 
 If you would be content, 
 
 Have troubles by you pass, 
 
 Just buy a range that s meant 
 Exclusively for gas. 
 
72 
 
 GIRL WITH THE SILVERY LAUGH 
 
 You ve heard about the rippling laugh 
 
 And of the laugh that cheers; 
 Likewise about the hearty laugh 
 
 That drives away your tears; 
 And there s the laugh that s honest, true, 
 
 Of happiness it s the half, 
 They re none of them a marker to 
 
 The girl with the silvery laugh. 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 This girl with the silvery laugh, 
 
 She beats all the rest by half, 
 One glance of her eye, your blues they will fly, 
 
 And I am not giving you taf f ; 
 She s Queen of the Earth to me, 
 
 Her first name begins with *E , 
 Vivacious and cute, she s a Montana Butte , 
 
 This girl with the silvery laugh. 
 
 Tis said that silence is golden, sure, 
 
 And silver they say is speech, 
 Both metals have their defenders and 
 
 Brave champions there are of each; 
 This girl is a 16 to I shot, 
 
 In her laugh there s a silver mine, 
 I think I ll go prospecting, and 
 
 I ll be a rich man in time. 
 
73 
 
 FAIR, FAT AND FOUR 
 
 Her laughing eyes celestial blue in tint, 
 Her golden hair of sunrise gives a hint, 
 
 It glistens in the sunlight s fiery glint; 
 She s FAIR. 
 
 Good health this maid appears to radiate, 
 Exactly what she weighs the scales relate, 
 
 She makes no secret of her real weight; 
 She s FAT. 
 
 Time rests but lightly on this fair dame s brow, 
 And just a summers few she s seen ere now, 
 She s not ashamed to tell her age, I vow 
 She s FOUR. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 Page 
 
 The San Francisco Girl 3 
 
 My Sweetheart 4 
 
 Roseate 5 
 
 Edna Mine 6 
 
 "Not Good Bye, Just Good Night" 7 
 
 Never Mind 8 
 
 Daddy s Got a Beau 9 
 
 That Girl Of Mine 10 
 
 The Bud Of Friendship 11 
 
 The Dearest Girl 12 
 
 For a Rainy Day 13 
 
 How The Beggar Lost His Speech 14 
 
 How The Beggar Regained His Speech 15 
 
 Grandma s Baby 16 
 
 Welcome To Olympia 17 
 
 What Drove Them To Drink 18 
 
 Woman And The Ivy 19 
 
 It Might Be Worse 20 
 
 Britt 21 
 
 The Less-Age 22 
 
 Civil Service Test 23 
 
 Cruise Of The Yachts 24 
 
 Love Light Vs Gas Light 26 
 
 Cruise Of Captain Cook 27 
 
 Stanfords On Their Wheels 29 
 
 No Gas Meter 30 
 
 Handy s Auto s On The Blink 31 
 
 Icy Venus 32 
 
 What Hughes Should Write To Wilson 33 
 
 One Hundred Million Strong 34 
 
 Operas at a Banquet 35 
 
 Tale Of a Perfect Day 37 
 
Contents Continued 
 
 Page 
 
 Modern Casablanca 41 
 
 Mail Carrier s Dream 42 
 
 States And Cities of the U.S.A 44 
 
 Dues Dues Dues 46 
 
 Down to His Lassoo 47 
 
 Little and Big Casino 48 
 
 Cicotte 49 
 
 I Cannot Sing the Old Songs 50 
 
 Where Some Would Have the Fair 51 
 
 Pressing His Suit 54 
 
 When Wallace Called Them Up 55 
 
 Putting the Engine in the Roundhouse 57 
 
 Came in Late 58 
 
 Climate 59 
 
 He s Got It Now 60 
 
 Fifty Fifty 61 
 
 Down In Mill Valley 62 
 
 A Sudden Dislike 63 
 
 Too Much Gas 64 
 
 Hazel Green 65 
 
 Jingles 66 
 
 Great and Small 67 
 
 Sweet Su cide Christmas Gifts 68 
 
 The Burglar s Decision 69 
 
 Newspaper Pest 70 
 
 Oh Dear ] 71 
 
 Girl With the Silvery Laugh 72 
 
 Fair, Fat and Four .. .. 73 
 
AN ,, 
 
 OVERDUE. 
 
Photomount 
 
 Pamphlet 
 
 Binder 
 
 Gaylord Bros., Inc. 
 
 Makers 
 Stockton, Cant. 
 
 PAT. JAN. 21,1908 
 
 U.C.BERKELEY LIBRARIES 
 
 855416 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY