ch^ 1^ ^ '^ '^ '^ '^ ^ '^ '^ ^ '^ ^ ON The English Rogue. WHat others writ, was tcHen upon the Score ; TJiou art in Re, wJiat they but feign'd before. Tliey did but Hfp, or worfe, /peak through the Nofe: Thou Juijl pronound ty and liv'Jl in Verfe and Profe. Guzman, Lazaro, Bufcon, and Francion, Till thou appear' djl did JJiine as at high Noon. Thy Book's now extant ; thofe that Judge of Wit, Say, They and Rablais too fallfhort of it. How could't be otherwife, fince 'twas thy fate. To praflife aihat tJiey did but imitate. Weftand aniaz'd at thy Ephefian Fire ; Such purchas'd Infamy all mujl admire. N. D. On the ensuing Subject. WHat more Rogues ftill ? / thought our happy Times Were freed from fuch, as from. Rebellious Crimes. But fuch will be : ?' tK befi -^/TV?~^^^ '^n/'M ,'.-> ,^^ "^/[^ ^ /^)'i<>>r^> I'-^/r^' :-> ,^-^ '-N/^i ,'.-> ,^-^ ~^.rt2 \3l 7%^ Epiftle to the Reader, Gentlemen, IT hath been too much the humour of late, for men rather to adventure on the Forreign crazy ftilts of other mens inventions, then fe- curely walk on the ground-work of their own home-fpun fancies. What I here prefent ye with, is an original in your own Mother- tongue; and yet I may not improperly call it a Tranfla- tion, drawn from the Black Copy of mens wicked a(5tions ; fuch who fpared the Devil the pains of courting them, by lifting themfelves Volunteers to ferve under his Hellifh Banners ; with fome whereof I have heretofore been un- happily acquainted, and am not afliamed to confefs that I have been fomewhat foiled by their vitious pra6lices, but now I hope cleanfed in a great meafure from thofe impurities. Every man hath his peculiar guilt, proper to his conftitution and age : and moft have had (or will have) their exorbitant exiliencies, erronious ex- xvi The Epiftle to the Reader. curfions, which are leaft dangerous when at- tended by Youthfulnefs, This good ufe I hope the Reader will make with me of thofe follies, that are fo generally and too frequently committed every where, by declining the commiffion of them (if not for the love of virtue, yet to avoid the difmal effeds of the moft dangerous confequences that continually accompany them.) And how fhall any be^able to do this, unlefs they make an introfpedlion into Vice ? which they may do with little danger ; for it is poflible to injoy the Theorick, without making ufe of the Prac- tick. To fave my Country-men the vaft expence and charge of fuch experimental Obfervations, I have here given an accompt of my readings, not in Books, but Men; which fliould have been buried in filence, (fearing left its Title might re- flect on my Name and Reputation) had not a publick good interceded for its publication, far beyond any private intereft or refpedt. When I undertook this Subjedt, I was The Epjlle to the Reader. xvii deftitute of all thofe Tools ( Books, I mean ) which divers pretended Artifts make ufe of to form fome Ill-contrived defign. By which ye may underftand, that as neceffity forced me, fo a generous refolution com- manded me to fcorn a Lituanian humour or Cuftom, to admit of Adjutores tori, helpers in a Marriage-bed, there to engender little better than a fpurious ifTue. It is a legitimate ofF-fpring, V\\ affure yee, begot by one fingly and foly, and a perfon that dares in fpight of canker'd Malice fubfcribe himlelf A well-wilier to his Countries welfare, Richard Head. M^LkM^c On the approvedly-ingenious, and his loving Friend, Mr. Richard Head, the Author of this book. (writ, WHat Gufman, Bufcon, Francion, Rablais / 07ice applauded for moji excellent wit : But readingThee, and thy rich Fancies Jlore^ I now co7idemne, what I admir'd before. Henceforth Tranflations pack away, be gone ; No Rogue y^? well writ, as our Englifh one. M. Y. ^tf ^m ^* ^m ^V ^tf ^m ^b ^3 ^& ^3 ^m ^m ^m ^v ^m ^m ^tf ^m ^m ^tf ^v ^# VPi ^^'^^ v^ To his refpedled Friend, the Author. COuld I but reach Bayes from Apollo's Tree, Fd make a Wreath to Crown thy Work and Which yet is needlefs, now I think upont ; (Thee ; Thy own great Pen defervedly hath doiit. Of all who write of Thee, this is my Vogue, None ere writ better of, and is lefs Rogue. W. W. On his deferving friend the Author. F Letcher the King of Poets of his age. In all his writings throughout every page Made it his chief efl biijinefs to defcribe The various humours of the canting-Tribe : His Beggars-bufh, and other of his Playes Did gain to him (defervedly) the Bayes. Nature and Art in him were both conjoyn^d ; None could ere fay tJtat his Wit was purloyiH d : NeitJier is thine : Jie did all fancies fill, From Kings and Queens, unto the Maid o' th' Mill ; Andfo canfl \hovi,for thou hafl here difplay'd TJie Vices of each Sex, a7id every Trade. WJierefore what he in his time wore, do thou Put on, a Wreath of Bays f adorne thy brow. F. K. TO THE READER, In ftead of the ERRATA. This Rogue hath had his faults y the Printers too ; All men whiljl here do erre ; andfo may you. y^ c) x^ <^ >0 "O 'O ''^ "'^ "O '<^ *^ "O '^ "^ ''^ *<^ <^ *<^ *<^ "O "^ "^ "^ THE ENGLISH ROGUE, Defcrib'd in the Life of a Witty Extravagant* CHAP. I. What his Parents were. The place of his own Nativity. His miraculous Efcape from the /lands of Irifh Rebels. His brother being at that very time murdered by the mercilcfs hands of thofe bloody Butchers. A Fter a long and ftri6l Inquifition after my Fathers Pedegree, I could not find any of his Anceflors bearing a Coat : furely length of time had worn it out. But if the Gentle Craft will any wayes ennoble his Family, I believe I could deduce feveral of his Name, Profeffors of that lafting Art, even from Crifpin. My Fathers Father had by his continual labour in Hufbandry, arrived to the height of a Farmer, than the Head of his Kindred : ftanding upon one of his own Mole-Hills, Ambition fo fwelled him, that he fwore by his Plow-fhare, that his eldefl Son (my Father) fhould be a Scholhard: and fhould B 2 TJlc EngliJJi Eoguc : Or, learn fo long-, till he could read any printed or written hand ; nay, and if occafion fhould ferve, write a Bill or Bond. It was never known that any of the Family could diftinguifh one letter from another, neither could they fpeak above the reach of their Horfes under- flandings. Talk to them in any other Diale6l but that of a Bag-ptidding of a Peck, or a piece of Beef, (in which their teeth might ftep wet fliod) and a man were as good to have difcourfed with them in Arabick. But let me not abufe them ; for fome un- derftood fomething elfe that is to fay. The Art of Whiftling, Driving their Team and to fhoo them- felves as well as their Horfes ; how to lean methodi- cally upon a Staff and through the holes of their Hat, tell what it is a Clock by the Sun. The fymmetricall proportion, fweetnefs of fea- tures, and acutenefs of my Fathers wit, were fuch (though extra6led out of this lump of red and ivhite marie) that he was belov'd of all. As the lovelinefs of his perfon gain'd always an interefb in Female hearts ; fo the quicknefs of apprehenfion and in- vention, and the acquired quaintnefs of his expref- fions ; procured him the friendfliip of fuch as con- verfed with him. A Gentleman at length taking no- tice of more then ordinary natural Parts in him, at his proper charge fent him to School contrary to the defire of his Father, who was able enough to maintain him at School ; and to fay the truth this Gentleman offered not my Father his patronage upon any charitable account, but that he might hearafter glory in the being the chief inftrument of bringing up fuch a fair promifmg Wit, which he queftioned not with good cultivation would bring forth fuch lovely fruit as would anfwer coft, and IViffy Extravaga7it. 3 fully fatisfie his expeflation. Being admitted into the Grammar-School, by the ftrength of his memo- ry, to his Mafters great amazement, in a very fliort time he had Lillics Riilcshy heart, out-ftripping ma- ny that for years had been entred before him ; his Mafter perceiving what a flupendious proficiency he had made, was very glad that this fair opportu- nity offered it felf, that he might be idle, and in or- der thereunto would frequently appoint my Father to be his Ufher or Deputy, when he intended to turn Bacchanalian, to drink, hunt, or whore, to which vices he was over-much addi6led. My Father having now conquered in a manner the difficulties of that Schools learning began now to lay afide his Book, and follow the fteps of his vicious learned IMafter, the examples of a Superior proving often- times guides to inferior a6lions. Regis ad cxcmplmn Befides his fpringing Age (wherein the blood is hot and fervent) fpur'd him on, and the natural difpofition of his mind, gave hira wings to flye whither his unbounded, licentious, felf pleafing will would direct. His Youth introduced him into all forts of vanity, and his Conflitution of body, was the Mother of all his unlawful pleafures. His Temperament gave Senfe preheminence above Reafon. Thus you fee (which experience can more fully demonflrate) how the heat of Youth gives fewel to the Fire of Voluptuous Enjoyments ; but without a fupply of what may purchafe thofe de- lights, invention mufl be Tenter-hooked, which ever proves dangerous, moft commonly fatal. My Grand-father too indulgent to his fon, fupply'd him continually with mony ; which he did the more freely, fince he was exempted from fuch charges 4 TJie Englijlt Rogue : Or, which neceflity required for my Fathers mainte- nance, he having now more than a bare compe- tency, he not only confents to the commiffion of evil, but tempts others to perpetrate the like. And now following his own natural pronenefs to irre- gular liberty, diurnaly fuggefls matters of innova- tion, not onely to his own, but others reafons, Le- cluni noji citius relinqiiens quant m Dercm delinqiiens, lion citius furgens quaminfur gens. No fooner relin- quifhing his bed, but delinquifhing his Creator, No fooner rifmg than rifmg againft his God. In fhort, I know not whether he prevailed more on others, or others on him, for he was facile ; the beft Na- ture is moft quickly depraved, as the pureft flefh corrupts fooneft, and moft noifom when corupt- ed. Yet notwithftanding thefe blooming debau- cheries, he negle6led not his Study fo much, but that he capacitated himfelf for the Univerfity, and by approbation was fent thither by his Patron. He applyed himfelf clofe to his Book for a while, till he had adapted himfelf a companion for the moft abfolute critick could be fele6led out of any of the Colledges : in the affured confidence of his own parts, he ventured among them, and left fuch re- marks of his cutting wit in all companies he came into, that the Gallants and moft notable Wits of Oxford, coveted fo much his company that he had not time to apply himfelf to his Study, but giving way to their follicitations, being prompted there- unto by his own powerful inclinations, plunged himfelf over head and ears in all manner of fenfu- ality. For his lewd carriage, inimitably wicked praftifes, and deteftable behaviour, he was at laft ex- pelled the Colledge, Now was he forc'd to return to his Father, who Wiify Extravagant. 5 with much joy received him, but would not tell him the true caufe of his coming down : But to pal- liate his villanies, informed his father that he had learned as much as he could be inftru6led in ; and now and then would Sprinkle his difcourfe with a Greek or Latine Sentence ; when talking with the poor ignorant old Man ; who took wonderful de- light in the meer found thereof. When my father fpake at any time, they were all as filent as mid- night, and then would my Grandfather with much admiration becken to the ftanders by, to give their greateft attention, to what the Speaker as little un- derftood as his Auditors, not caring what non-fenfe he utter'd, if wrapt up in untelligable hard words, purpofely to abufe thofe brutifh Plough-jobbers. In oftentation he was carried to the Parfon of the Pa- rifli to difcourfe with him ; who by good fortune underftood no other Tongue but what his mother taught him ; My father perceiving that, made SJLoulderanmtto7t and Kapathuinpton ferve for very good Greek ; which the Parfon confirm'd : telling my Grandfather further, that his Son was an ex- cellent Scholar ; protefling that he was fo deeply learned, that he fpake things he underftood not ; this I have heard him fay, made him as good fport, as ever he receiv'd in the moft ingenious Society. He had not been long in the Country, before a Gentlewoman taking notice of his external and in- ternal Qualifications, fell deeply in love with him ; and preferring her own pleafure before the difplea- fure of her wealthy Relations, fhe incojitinently was married to him. I fhall wave how it was brought a- bout in every particular, but only inflance what is therein remarkable. Doubtlefs the geftures he ufed in his preaching (when fhe was prefent) might 6 The Englijli Rogue : Or, fomething avail in the conquefl of her afifeflions ; beginning with a dearly beloved paflionately extend- ed, looking full in her face all the while, and be- ing in the time of the Kingdomes alteration and confufion, a temporizing Minifher, he had learned all thofe tricks by which thofe of his Se6l and coat ufed to bewitch a female ear. But that which chief- ly effefted his defires, was the -affurance of an old Matron, that lived near my mother, who for pro- fit fcrupled not to officiate as Bawd ; this good old Gentlewoman contrived waies to bring them to- gether, unfufpe6led by any, by which means they obtain'd the opportunity to perform Hymens rites, Sans Ceremonies of the Church. My mother finding impregnation, acquainted my Father there- with, who (glad to hear how fafl he had tied her to him) urged her to the fpeedy Confummation of a Legal marriage, which Ihe more longed for than he did himfelf, but knew not how to bring it to pafs, by reafon of thofe many Obftacles which they faw Obvious, and thwarting their intentions. As firft the vaft difproportion between their E- flates ; Next, the Antipathy her Parents bore to his Fun6tion. Joyning thefe to many other Ob- ftruflions, with Fancy and Knowledge prefented to them, they concluded to fteal a Wedding and accordingly did put it in execution : much troubled her Parents were at firft, to hear how their daugh- ter had fhip-wrackt her fortune (as they judged it) in the unfortunate loofing her maiden-head but time, with the interceffion of Friends, procured Reconciliation between them, and all parties well pleafed. The old people took great delight in their fortune, hopeful thoughts and expeftations of their Son in law, but he more in the reception Witty Extravagant. 7 of a large Sum of Money they paid him, and my mother moft of all ( as Ihe thought) in the conti- nual converfation and enjoyment of my Father, Mhich fhe equally ranked with what might be e- fteemed the beft of things. His eminent Parts natural, (and what he attain'd unto by his country ftudies, being afliam'd to have loft fo much time) introduc'd him as a Chaplain to a Noble man, with whom he travel'd into Ireland. He took fhipping at Myncard, and from thence fayled to Knock fergus, where he lived both credit- ably and comfortably. Experience had then fo re- formed his Life to fo ftrift a religious courfe, that his Obfervers gain'd more by his example than his Hearers by precepts. Thus by his piety in the puri- ty of his pra6lice, he foon regain'd his loft credit. By this time my mother drew near her time, ha- ving conceiv'd me in England, but not conceiving file thus fliould drop me in an hH/Ii Bog. There is no fear that England and Ireland will after my de- ceafe, contend about my Nativity, as feveral Countreys did about Homer ; either ftriving to have the honour of firft giving him breath. Neither fliall I much thank my Native Country, for be- ftowing on me fuch principles as I and moft of my Country-men drew from that very air ; the place I think made me appear a Baftard in difpofition to my Father. It is ftrange the Clymate fliould have more prevalency over the Nature of the Native, than the difpofition of the Parent. For though P'ather and Mother could neither flatter, deceive, revenge, equivocate, &c. yet the Son (as the con- fequence hath fmce made it appear) can (accord- ing to the common cuftom of his Country-men) diffemble and footh up his adverfary with exprcf- B4 8 The EngliJJt Rogtie : Or, fions extra6led from Celeftial Manna, taking his advantage thereby to ruine him : For to fpeak the truth, I could never yet love any but for fome by- refpeft, neither could I ever be perfwaded into a pacification with that man who had any way in- jured me, never refting fatisfied till I had accom- plifht a plenary revenge, which I commonly effeft- ed under the pretence of great love and kindnefs. Cheat all I dealt withal, though the matter were ever fo inconfiderable. Lie fo naturally, that a Miracle may be as foon wrought, as a Truth pro- ceed from my mourh. And then for Equivocation, or Mental Refervations, they were ever in me in- nate Properties. It was alwayes my Refolution, rather to dye by the hand of a common Executio- ner, then want my revenge, though ever fo (light- ly grounded. But I fhall defift here to chara- fterize my felf further, referving that for another place. Four years after my Birth, the Rebellion began fo unexfpeftedly, that we were forced to flee in the night, the light of our flaming Houfes, Ricks of Hay, and Stacks of Corn guided us out of the Town, and our Fears foon conveyed us to the Mountains. But the Rebels, wandering too and fro, intending either to meet with their friends, (who flockt from all parts to get into a Body) or elfe any Englifh, which they defigned as Sacrifices to their implacable malice, or inbred antipathy to that Na- tion, met with my Mother, attended by two Scul- logues, her menial fervants, the one carrying me, the other my brother. The Fates had decreed my brothers untimely death, and therefore unavoid- able, the faithfiU Infidel being butchered with him. The furviving fervant who carried me, declared Wiity Extravagant. 9 that he was a Roman CathoHck, and imploring their mercy with his howHng Chram a Cress, for St. Pat-rick a gra, procured my Mothers, his own, and my fafety. Thus was I preferv'd, but I hope not referv'd as a fubjefl for Divine Vengeance to work on. Had I then died, no other guilt could have rendered me culpable before Gods Tribunal, but what was deri- vative from Adam. But fmce, the concatenation of fins various links hath encompaffed the whole feries of my life. Now to the intent I may deter others from perpetrating the like, and receive to my felf Abfolution (according as it is promifed) upon unfeigned Repentance, and ingenious Con- feffion of my nefarious Fa6ls, I fhall give the Rea- ders a Summary Relation of my Life : from my Non-age to the Meridian of my dayes, hoping that my Extravagancies and youthful Exiliences, have in that ftate of life, their declination and period. 10 The EngUPi Rogue \ Or, CHAP. II. A /Jiort Account of the general Infurre6lions of tJie IrifJi, Anno 1641. But though the mercy of thefe inhumane Vil- lains extended to the faving of our lives ; yet they had fo little confideration and commiferation, to expofe our bodies (by ftripping us) flark na- ked to the extremity of a cold winter night, nor fo much as fparing my tender age. Thus without Shooes or Stockings, or the leaft Rag to cover our nakednefs, with the help of our Guide, we tra- velled all night through Woods as obfcure as that black darknefs that then environed our Horizon, By break of day we were at Belfafl ; about enter- ing the skirts of the Town, this honeft and grate- ful fervant, (which is much in an Irifli man) be- ing then affured of our fafety, took his leave of us, and returned to the Rebels. Here were we received with much pitty of all, and entertain'd, and cloth'd and fed, by fome charitable minded Perfons ; to gratifie their fouls for what they had done for my mothers body, and thofe that belong'd to her, my Father frequently preacht, which gave general fatisfa6lion, and con- tinued thus in inftru6ling his hearers, till the Sark or Surplice, was adjudged by a Scotifh Fa6lion, to be the abfolute Smock of the Whore of Babylon. Then was he conftrain'd to flee again to Linfegarvy taking his charge with him. Wzlfj/ Extravagatit. 1 1 Before I proceed, give me leave to digrefs a little in giving you a brief account of the Jrijh Rebellion. Not two years before it broke out, all thofe ancient Animofities, Grudges, and Ha- tred, which the Iri/h had ever been obferved to bare unto the Englifh, feemed to be depofited and buried in a firm Conglutination of their Affec- tions, and National Obligations, which paffed be- tween them, for thefe two had lived together forty Years in peace, with fuch great fecurity and comfort, that it had in a manner confolidated them into one body, knit and compacted together with all thofe Ligatures, of Friendfhip, Alliance, and Confanguinity, as might make up a conftant and everlafting Union betwixt them there. Their In- ter-marriages were near upon as frequent as their Goffippings and Fofterings, (relations of much dearnefs among the IriJJi) together with all Tenan- cies, Neighborhoods and Services interchangea- bly paffed among them. Nay, they had made as it were a mutual Tranfmigration into each others manners, many Englifh being ftrongly degenerated into Irifli Affeftions and Cuftomes, and many of the better fort of Irifh ftudying as well the Lan- guage of the Englifh as delighting to be Appar- rel'd like them. Nay, fo great an advantage did they find by the Englifli Commerce and Cohabita- tion, in the profits and high improvements of their Lands, as Sir PJielim O Neal, that Rebellious Ring- leader, with divers others eminent in that bloody Infurredlion. had not long before turn'd off their Lands, their Irifh Tenants, admitting Englifh in their rooms ; who are able to give far great- er Rent., and more certainly pay the fame. So as all thofe circumftances duly weighted & confider- 1 2 The Engliih Rogue : Or, ed with the great increafe of Trade, and many o- ther evident Symptoms of a flourifhing Common- wealth ; it was beheved even by the wifeft and moft experienced in the affairs of Ireland, that the Peace and TranquiHty of that Kingdom was fully fettled, and moft likely in all humane probability to continue, efpecially under the Government of fuch a King as Charles the Firft, whom after-ages may admire, but never match. Such was the fe- renity and fecurity of this Kingdom, as that there appeared not any where any Martial preparations, nor reliques of any kind of diforders, no nor fo much as the leaft noife of War whifperingly car- ried to any ear in all this Lands. Now whilft in this great calm, the Brittifh con- tinued in the deepeft fecurity, whilft all men fat pleafently enjoying the fruits of their own labors, fitting under their own Vines, without the leaft thoughts of apprehenfion of Tumults, Troubles, or Maffacres ; there brake out on OSlober the Twenty third, in the Year of our Lord, fixteen hundred forty and one, a moft defperate, dierful, and formidable Rebellion, an Univerfal Defe6lion and Revolt, wherein not only the meer Native Irifti, but almoft all thofe Englifti that profefs the Name of Roman Catholicks, were totally involved. Now fmce it is refolved by me to give you a par- ticular account of the moft remarkable Tranfa6li- ons and paffages of my life, it will be alfo neceffa- ry to acquaint you with the beginning and firft mo- tions. Neither fhall I omit to trace the Progrefs of this Rebellion, fmce therein, I ftiall relate fum- marily my fuffering, and what others under went, the horrid cruelties of the Irifh, and their abomi- nable murders committed, as well without num- Witty Extravagant. 1 3 ber, as without mercy, upon the EngHfh Inhabi- tants of both Sexes, and all Ages. It was carried with fuch fecrefie, that none un- derftood the Confpiracy, till the very evening that immediately preceeded the night of its general execution. I muft confefs there was fome fuch thing more than fufpe6led by one Sir William Cole, who prefently fent away Letters to the Lord Chief Juftices, but mifcarried by the way. Ozvcn O Co- nally (though meer Irifh, was notwithftanding a Proteftant) was the firft difcoverer of this general Infurreftion giving in the Names of fome of the chief Confpirators. Hereupon the Lords conve- ned and fat in Council, whofe care and prudence at that time was fuch, that fome of the Ring- leaders were inftantly fiezed, and upon examina- tion, confeft that on that very day of their furpri- zal, all the Ports and Places of flrength in h'eland, would be taken ; that there was a confiderable number of Gentlemen and others, twenty out of each county, were come up exprefly to furprize the Caftle oi Dublin. Adding further, that what was to be done in the Country (where Mercury the fwift Meffenger) could neither by the wit of man, or by Letter, be prevented. Hereupon a ftri6l fearch was made for all ftrangers lately come to Town, and all Horfes were feized on, whofe owners could not give a good account of them. And notwith- ftanding, there was a Proclamation difperft through all Ireland, giving notice of a horrid Plot defigned by Irifh Papifts, againft Englifh Proteftants, in- tending thereby a difcouragement to fuch of the Confpirators, as yet had not openly declared themfelves. Yet did they affemble in great num- ber, principally in the North, in the Province of 14 TJie EngliJIt Rogue \ Or, Ulftcr, taking many Towns, as the Newry Drum- moor, &c., burning fpoiling, and committing hor- rible murthers every where. Thefe things wrought fuch a general confternation and aftonifliment in the minds of the Englifh ; that they thought them- felves no where fecure, flying from one danger into another. In a very fhort time, the meer Irifh Northern Pa- pifts by clofly Perfuing on their firfh Plot, had got- ten into their poffeflion moft of the Towns, Forts, Caftles, and Gentlemens Houfes within the Coun- ties of Tyron, Donegal, Fermanah, Arinah, Cauan, &c. The chief that appeared in the Execution of this Plot, within the Province of Uljier, were Sir Phelim Neal, TourlougJi his Brother, Ronre Mac Guire, Phillip O Rely, Sir Conne Mac Dennis, Mac Brian, and Mac Mahan, thefe combining with their Accomplices dividing their Forces, and according to a general AfTignation, furprifed the Forts of Dongannon and Montjoy, Carlemant, with other places of confiderable ftrength. Now began a deep Tragedy : The Englifh having either few other than Irifh Landlords, Tenants, Servants, Neighbours, or familiar Friends, as foon as this fire brake out, and the whole Country in a general Conflagration, made their recourfe prefently to fome of thefe, ly- ing upon them for prote6lion and prefervation, and with great confidence trufted their lives and all their concerns in their powers. But many of thefe in fhort time after, either betrayed them to others, or deftroyed them with their own hands. The Po- pifh Priefls had fo charged and laid fuch bloody impreffions on them, as it was held according to their Do6lrine they had received, a deadly fin to give an Englifh Proteftant any relief, Witfy Extravagant. 15 All bonds of Faith and FriendlTiip now fra6lur'd, Irifli Landlords now prey'd on their Englifh Te- nants ; I-ifh Tenants and Servants, made a Sacri fice of their Englifh Landlords and Mafters, one Neighbor murthering another ; nay, 'twas looked on as an a6l meritorious in him that could either fubvert or fupplant an Englifh man ; The very Children imitating the cruelty of their Parents, of which I fhall carry a mark with me to my Grave, given me with a Skene by one of my Irifh Play- fellows. It was now high time to flie, although we knew not whither ; every place we ari'vd at we thought leafl fecure, wherefore our motion was continual ; and that which heightened our mifery, was our frequent flripping thrice a day, and in fuch a difmal ftormy tempeftuous feafon, as the memory of man had never obferv'd to continue fo long to- gether. The terror of the Irifh and Scotch incom- parably prevailed beyond the rage of the Sea, fo that we were refolved to ufe all poffible means to get on Shipboard. At Bclfajl we accomplifht our defires, committing ourfelves to the more merciful Waves. This Relation being fo fliort, cannot but be very imperfeft, if I dare credit my mother, it is not flain'd with falfhood. Many horrid things (I confcfs) I purpofely omitted, as defiring to wave any thing of aggravation, or which might occafion the leaft Animofity between two, though of feveral Languages, yet I hope both united in the dcmon- ftration of their conftant loyalty to their Soveraign Charles the Second. 1 6 The EngliUi Rogtie : Or, CHAP. III. After his arrival in Devonfhire, he briefly recounts what waggeries he cojnmited, being but a Child. BEing about five years of age, Report rendred me a very beautiful Child, neither did it (as moft commonly) prove a Lyar. Being enricht with all the good properties of an handfome face, had not pride in that my tender age, depriv'd me of thofe graces and choife ornaments which compleat both form and feature. Thus happen'd, my Father kept com- monly many Turkeys ; one amongfl the reft could not endure the fight of a Red Coat, which I ufually wore. But that which moft of all exafperated my budding paffion, was, his affaulting my bread and butter, and inftead thereof, fometimes my hands ; which caufed my bloomy Revenge to ufe this Stratagem : I enticed him with a piece of Cuftard (which I temptingly fhewed him, not without fome fufpition of danger which fear fuggefted, might attend my treachery, and fo led me to the Or- chard-gate, which was made to fhut with a pulley ; he reaching in his head after me, I immediatly clapt faft the Gate, and fo furprized my mortal Boe : Then did I ufe that little ftrength I had, to beat his brains out with my Cat-ftick ; which being done, I deplum'd his tayl, fticking thofe feathers in my Bonnet, as the infulting Trophies of my firft and lateft Conqueft. Such then was my pride, as I IVitfy Extravagant. 17 nothing but gazed up at them ; which fo tryed the weaknefs of mine eyes and fo ftrain'd the Optick Nei-ves, that they ran a tilt at one another, as if they contended to fhare with me in my viftory. This accident was no fmall trouble to my Mother, that fo doated on me, that I have often heard her fay, SJic forgot to eat {lu/ienlfate at Table) for admiring the fiveetnefs of my complexion. After fhe had much grieved her felf to little purpofe, flie confulted with patience, and applyed her felf to skilful Occulifts, to repair the lofs this face blemifliing had done fo fweet a countenance, though for the prefent it cclipfed my Mothers glory and pride, yet Time and art reduced my eyes to their proper ftation ; fo that within fix years their oblique afpefts were hardly difcernable. When I was about ten Years old, I have heard fome fay that this caft of my eyes was fo far from being a detriment, that it be- came my ornament. Experience confirm'd me in this belief ; for they prov'd as powerful, as the per- fwafive arguments of my deluding tongue, both which conjoyn'd, were fufhcient (I fpeak it not vain glorioufly) to prevail even over the Goddefs of CJiafiity, efpecially when they were backt on with ardent defires, and an undaunted refolution. But to my purpofe : being driven out of Ireland, there being at that time no place of fafety in that King- dom, my Mother taking me with her, being com- pelled to leave my Father behind, barbaroufly mur- dered by the Rebels for being a proteflant Preacher) fhe adventured to Sea not caring whether fhe went. Foulnefs of weather drove us upon the coaft of France, where we were forced to land, to repair what idamage the Ship had fuftained in ftrefs of weather. C 1 8 The EngliJIi Rogue \ Or, From hence we fet fail, and landed in the Weft of England, at a place called Barnjiable in the County of Devon. Here we were joyfully received, and well entertained by fome of my Mothers kindred at firft; but lying upon them, they at length grew weary ; fo that we were forced to go from thence to Plymouth, fo called from the River Plime, unto which the Town adjoyneth : at that time it was ftrongly fortyfied by new raiz'd Works, a Line being caft about it, befides places of ftrength antiently built ; as the Caftle, the Fort of an hundred pieces of Ordnance, that com- mands Cat-ivater, and over-looks the Sound, Mount Batten, and the iflands in the Sound, well furnifhed with Men and great Guns impregnable ; had they been never built or demolifhed raced affoon as rai- fed on their Bafis, it had been much better then to have prov'd the Fomenters of Rebellion in the late Wars for a whole year, daily thundring Treafon againft their lawful Soveraign, We being here al- together unacquainted both with the people and their profeffion, my Mother having an aftive brain, cafts about with her felf how fhe fhould provide for her charge, but found no way more expedient, than the pretention of Religion. Zeal now and Piety were the only things fhe feem'd to profecute, taking the litteral fence of the Text; Withoutdoubt Godlincfs is great gain : But fhe err'd mych in the profeffion and feafonable pra6tife thereof; Hers being accor- ding to the minu of the true Church, the Church of England, whereas the Plyinotheans were at that time Heterodox thereunto and led away as the reft of their Brethren called Roundheads, by the fpirit of delufion. Finding how much fhe was miftaken, Ihe chang'd quickly her Note and Coat; a rigid IVif/f Extravagant, 19 Presbyterian at firft, but that proving not fo profita- ble, inftantly transform'd her felf into a ftrict inde- pendatit. This took well, which made her flick clofe to the brethren, which rais'd their fpirits to make frequent contribution in private to fupplyher want: Here we had borrowed fo much of the Sifter-hood, who vilely fufpe6led my Mother to be too dearly beloved by the brother-hood, that it was high time to rub off to another place, left ftaying longer, the holy Mask of Diffimulation fhould fall off ; and fhe being dete6led be fhamefully excluded their Con- gregation, and fo delivered up to be buffeted by Satan. Before I leave the Town, give me leave to take a fhort view thereof. Formerly it was a poor fmal fifhing Village, but now fo large and thron'd with inhabitants (many whereof very wealthy Merchants) that as it may be compared with, fo may it put in its claim for the name of a City. Havens, as there are many fo commodious, which without ftriking fail, admit into the bofome thereof the talleft Ships that be, harbouring them very fafely, and is ex- cellently well fortyfied againft hoftility. It is fci- tuate alike for profit and pleafure in brief, it wants little that the heart of man would enjoy, from the various produftions of the whole Univerfe. Now farewell Plymouth, no matter whither we went, for whereever we came ; we found ftill fome or other that gave us entertainment for thofe good parts they found in my Mother fhe being very well read both in Divinity and Hiftory, and having an eloquent tongue, fhe conimonly apply'd her felf to the Mi- nifter of the Town ; who wondering to fee fo much learning and perfc6lion in a Woman, either took us to his own houfe for a while ; or gathered fome C 2 \ 20 The Englijli Rogue: Or, contributions to fupply our prefent neceffities, with which we travelled to the next Town : And in this manner we ftrouled or wandered up and down, being little better then mendicant Itinerants, Stay- ing fo little time in a place, and my mother being more careful to get a fubfiftance, than to feafon my tender years with the knowledge of Letters, I was ten years old before I could read. Travelling through many towns unfit for our purpofe, we at laft took our feat for a while at Biraport in Dor- fetjhire, here being afhamed to go to School in this ignorance, I applyed my felf to my Mother, who taught me to apprehend the Alphabet in lefs hours than there are letters ; fo that in a fhort time, I could read diftin6lly, and immediately introduc'd into the Grammar School, where I had not been long, be- fore I became a Book -worm fecuring as many as lay in my way, if convenient privacy ferv'd. And to the intent that my Thefts might pafs undifcovered, before I would vend what Book I had flolen, I ufual- ly metamorphozed them : if new, I would gafh their skin, and if the leaves were red, I would make them look pale with the wounds they received ; If much ufed, tear out all the remarks, and paint their old faces, and having fo done, make fale of them. This courfe I followed a long time undifcovered, which coft many a Boy a Whipping at home by their Parents, as well as Mafter. I had various ufes for my money I made thereof (you muft think) but princi- pally to bribe fome of the upper Form to make my Exercifes, which were fo well liked of by my Mafter, that I ftill came ofif with applaufe ; and in a fhort time fo advanced, that I was next to the higheft Form, when I underftood not the loweft Author we read. Wit/y Extravagant. 21 I was forced to imploy my wits in the management of my hands, to keep touch with my Penfioners, leaft they faiHng me for want of encouragement, my Mafter fhould difcover how much my duncefhip was abufed. Frequent were my truantings, which were always attended with fome notorious fa6l befides fmall faults as robbing of Orchards, pulling the firft and feconds of forty or fifty Geefe at a time, milking the Cows or Goats into my Hat, and fo drink the milk : And then for poultry, there was feldome a day efcaped wherein I had not more or lefs, ufually I took them thus. At night I haunted the Hen-roofts taking them off fo quietly from what they fhood on, that their keckling noife feldome alarum'd the reft ; if I could not conveniently carry them off, I made their Eggs compound for their heads. If I meet with any Geefe at any time, then out came my fhort flick with a firing faftned to a bullet, and tyed to the end thereof, with this would I fetch in my Game by the neck, the weight of the bullet twirling the firing fo many times about the neck, that they could not difengage themfelves from inevitable deftru- 6lion. I ufed to fifh for Ducks, baiting my Hook with a gut or fome fuch trafh, and laying it on a piece of Corke, that fwimming it might be the fooner per- ceived, I could catch in a fhort time as many as I pleafed : Nay, I have not only thus deceived the tame fowl, but the fame way with a longer time, I have caught Gulls and other Sea-birds. What I had gotten by thefe cunning & fo much to be approved tricks, I carryed to a houfe that encouraged me in my Roguery, participating of the cheer, and fo fea- fting me for my pains : if I had ftolen any thing, I had my recourfe to them, who would give me two pence 22 The EnglifJi Rogue: Or, for what was worth a fhilling, and render me good content. I knew my punifhment for my rambling and valued it not ; therefore little hope of reforma- tion from thence. Nay for very fmall faults I wifhed to be whipt, knowing the rod would then be laid on gently, which carried with it a tickling pleafure. As for my Thefts and Rogueries abroad I was care- ful they fhould not be difcovered. If any Boy had injur'd me whofe ftrength exceeded mine, fo that I durft not cope with him, I would exercife my revenge upon him privately, concealing the refent- ment of the injury he did me. For to grin and not bite, doth but perfwade an Adverfary to knock out thofe teeth that may prove fome time or other in- jurious. One common trick I had, was to ftick a pin on the board whereon he was to fit : in this manner did I ferve feveral, in which fa6l I was at laft taken. The punifhment my Mafter inflifted on me, was, to fit by his desk alone and complete a copy of Ver- fes ; there was great likelihood I fhould perform my task, when I knew not how many feet an Hexameter required and yet I then read Virgil. However fome thing I muft attempt, and thinking SapJdcks and lambicks too difficult, I ventur'd upon Hei'oicks, fup- pofing them the eafier compofition. But Lord into what an accefs of laughter did my Mafter fall into, when he perufed my hobling ftrains. Surely faid he, thefe Verfes are running a race altogether, the firft: did not ftart fairly, or elfe is a very nimble Gentle- man, for he hath out run all his fellows four feet, the fecond comes two foot fhort of him, yet to forward for a true pace ; here is another lame in a foot, and halts moft fcurvily, here is another whofe quantity is fhort, and hath gotten upon ftilts to feem long, Wztfy Extravagant. 23 and one (in contradi6lion to him) which is long, becaufe he will be fliort hath cut his own Legs off : With thefe and the like fpeeches did he pleafe him- felf in his own wit, (which I underftood but little) and after he had tired himfelf and me too, with pro- digal talk : He then fpake to me in a harder diale6l, making me understand how ignorant I was, and how much precious time (irecoverably) I had loft, which fo much feiz'd on my fpirits, that I was much griev'd and troubled, fo that he made Vermilion tears run down my cheeks, &c. After he had beftowed fo much corre6lion as he thought might work in me peni- tence for my egregious truanting he degraded me, and made me begin a new. The fhame whereof and reproach I daily received from my School-fellows, I could not bear ; wherefore I prevailed on my Mo- thers indulgence, to let me regain what I had loft at home, which fhe confented to. But perceiving my Lecherous inclinations, by my night pra6lifes with her Maid, refolved to fend me to a Boarding School: For our Family being but fmall, I lay with the Maid : beeing fo young, my Mother did not in the leaft fufpeft me ; but my too forward Lechery would not let me lie quiet, putting her frequently to the Squeak. In fine, I was fent away a great di- ftance to a very fevere and rigid Mafter, I no fooner commenced Scholar to this Tyrant pedagogue, but I was kept clofe to my Book, and left my Wit fhould be any ways dulled, my ftomack was always kept fharp ; which quickned my invention to fup- ply what was deficient. There is no complaint fo in- fufferable as the grumbling of empty and diffatisfied Guts. My greatefl care was to infmuate my felf into the favour of the Servant Maids, knowing they loved 24 The Englijli Rogue: Or, to play at a Small Game rather then ftick out. I per- formed my bufmefs fo well that my ftomack was al- ways fatiated, when the reft of the Boarders were diffatisfied, often going to bed in a manner fupper- lefs. Here I was depriv'd of my old pilfering way, becaufe I had no convenience for the difpofal of what I ftole, it being but a very fmall Village. However to keep my hand in ufe, I daily pra6lifed on Fruit. Sometimes with a Spar fharpned at one end, I pickt the Apples out of the Baskets : other times I took with me a Comrade, and then thus would we do. I would go to the Fruiterer and bar- gain with him for a penny worth or more of Apples, receiving them into my Hat, pretending to draw my mony out, I did clap my Hat between my Legs my partner perceiving that (as we had afore plotted it would be) behind, fnatcht it through my Legs and ran away with it, I thereupon did ufe to roar out as if I had been undone, and pretending to run after him to regain my Hat, we got out of fight and then fhared the booty. One time coming a long the Market, I faw a fmall balket of Cherries, I demanded of the woman that fold them, what fhe would have for as many as I could take up in my hand ; fhe look- ing upon it and feeing it was but a very fmall one ; proportionable to my Stature, two pence faid fhe ; with that, I laid her down her Price, and took up basket and all the Cherries therein contain'd, and in a fober pace carried them away. The woman amaz- ed that fhe ftiould be thus furprized by fuch a Youn- ker followed me ; and making a great noife, gather- ed a conflux of people about us, and among the reft a Gentleman of quality, who was very earneft to know what the matter was; Holding my purchafe faft Witfy Extravagant. 25 in my hands (for nothing could perfwade me to let go that booty I had fo fair obtained, I defired the Gentleman that he would be judge of my caufe, whereupon I related to him in what manner I bar- gained with the woman, and that I had done nothing unjuflly, but what was according to our contra6l ; the Gentleman wondering at the Pregnancy of wit in fo . tender an age, laught heartily, and condemned the Cherries for my own proper ufe, but withal paid the woman for them. I was naturally fo prone to pleafe my fences fo that I cared not what courfe I took that I might obtain mydefires, I appli'd my felfmore to my wit and invention, than I Ihould have done, had I had anything allowed me from a Friend for a mo- derate expence. But my Mother thought otherwife, knowing by infallible fymptomes, the extravagant- nefs of my inclinations, and therefore debarred me as much as fhe could the very fight of money. A Ri- ver confined within fome made Bank, deterring its natural courfe, will (when that is overthrown which impeded its progrefs) flow with the greater impetuofity : Youth may for a while be cir- cumfcribed as to its defires : but if his inclination prompt him to the enjoyment of fenfual delights, fooner or later he will tafte their relifh ; and better early than late. Before the Noon of his days ap- proach, Experience may reform his Life and Con- verfation though from the dawning Morning there- of, till the Meridian his A6lions have been nothing elfe but the Extra6l of all manner of Debauchery. But (it is commonly obferved) : That Man which in the Declination of his Age tracks the bypaths of Vice and Licentioufnefs feldom defifls till Death cuts off his paffage; never leaving off dotingon fuch falfe 26 The EngliJJt Rogue ; And and imaginary pleafures, till the Grim Pale-faced Mefjcngct takes him napping. Thus much by way of digreffion. Our Mafter was very ancient, however refolved that his Age fhould not hinder his Teaching: for if he found himfelf indifpofed, he would fend for us all into his bed-chamber, inftru6ling us there : A man of fo ftrange a temper, that he delighted to invert the courfe of Nature, lying in bed by day, and walk- ing in the night, the rain feldome deterring him. On a time above the reft, a Gentleman had fent his Son five pieces of Gold to give his Mafter for Diet, ^c. Our Mafter receiving them, called for a fmall Ca- binet that flood in the room, which I (more officious than the refl) brought him. Having put in the Gold, he commanded me to carry it from whence I had it : which I did, well confidering the weight thereof, being, though fmall, very heavy. The Devil prefently became my Tutor, fuggefting to my thoughts va- rious ways for the gaining this money. At lafl I re- folved to take the impreffion of the Key in wax : which with much difficulty I obtained and carried it to a Smith four miles diftant. The old Fellow (im- mediately upon my propofal) fufpe6led me; (doubt- lefs he was acquainted with fuch kind of devices) and queflioning me what I intended thereby, I was for- ced to betake my felf to my Legs for fafety, not knowing what anfwer to make him. The Smith feeing me run, thinking to benefit himfelf by appre- hending me perfued after, with a red hot iron in his hand which his hafte had made him forget to lay afide, one ftanding by me, (jufl as the Smith had almoft overtaken me) feeing Jiim come running with a hot iron in his hand, and fearing left his Witfy Extravagant. 2^ blind paffion might prompt him to mifchief me, ftruck up his heels who in the fall gave himfelf a burnt mark in the hand which no doubt he had long ago deferv'd ; my unknown friend would not fufifer him to rife till I was out of fight. My firft ftra- tagem not fuiting with my purpofe, I try'd a Pick- lock of mine own invention ; but that would not effe6l my defign neither : fo that I concluded to take Cabinet and all, and in order thereunto watcht my opportunity when he fhould walk abroad according to his cuftom at night. It was not long ere I enjoyed my wifhes. My mafters cuftom was to walk abroad at nights, and fleep in the day time ; inverting the courfe of Nature : foreknowing his intention, I got into the Chamber and conceal'd my felf under the Bed : So finding my way clear, I convey 'd my felf and purchafe out of the Houfe ; and travelled all night. In the morning I found my felf near a fmall Town, about fixteen miles diflant from the place whence I came. Thinking my felf now fecure, I thought it very requifite here to repofe my wearied Limbs and folace my felf with the fight of what I had gotten ; but it was not long after that I was fo laced for it, that comparatively to my punifhment Bridewell whipping is but a paftime. The firft Bufh I came at I went in and called for Sack, having never tafted any, & hearing much talk thereof; at which the people of the houfe much admired that fo fmall an Urchin as I fhould call for fuch coftly liquor, they viewed me very attentively, but more efpecially the Cabinet, which caufed them to fufpe6l me. The Ma- fter of the houfe was acquainted herewith, who as the Devil would have it was a Puritan, & a Conftable too, officious and fevere. Without craving par- don for his bold intrufion, he defired me 1 would 28 TJie Englifli Rogue: or, admit him into my Boy-fhips fociety. I confefs his gray hairs and fower countenance made me at firft fight, very much fear what the event of his vifit would prove. However with a feeming undaunted- nefs I drank to him, but what a difference of tafte there was in that and the firft glafs I drank Sohis: at length he came to ask me divers queftions, Whence I came f Whither I was going? What was co7ttained within that Cajcanet? and the Hke. Before I could give the refolution of what they demanded, the Hue and Cry overtook me : prefently I was laid hold on, and my treafure taken from me : that which vext me as much as my Surprizal was, I had no further time to try what kind of tafte the Sack had. Various were the talk of the people, every one fpending his Verdi6t on me. TJiis is a prime young rogue indeed, to begin tJius foon, faid one, conld he have feen, wJien in his Mothers belly, f urely Jie would liaveJlolnfometJiing tlience. Another faid, Forzvard fruit was foon rotten, andfincelbegan toflealwhilft a child, Ifhotild be hanged before I /Jtoidd zvrite Man. Ready to die with fear, I was fent back to the place whence I came and from thence to the place of execution, had not the tender- nefs of my age, and fewnefs of years procured pitty from my injur'd Mafter. Confin'd I was within his houfe, lockt up clofe Prifoner in a Chamber, till that he could acquaint my mother with what had paft. In this time Iwas not debarred of myfuftenance though my Commons were Epitomized, neither was I altogether deprived of fociety, for I was daily vifited by my mafter attended with a Cat of Nine- tails (as he called it) being fo many fmall cords, with which he fleyd my buttocks ; and when he found me ftubborn, or not penitent enough as he thought, after Witty Extravaga7it. 29 he had skinned my podex, he would wafli It with vi- negar, or water and fait. Within a week my jNIother arrived, who hearing of my Rogueries, was fo impa- tient, that fhe would needs take me to task her felf ; But when fhe had untrufl me, and faw me in fo woful a plight, my fhirt being as fliffas Buckram with blood and my tender breech ploughed and harrowed, fell down as if fhe had been about to expire : recovering my Mafter endeavour'd to fatisfy her, by telling her that great offences required great punifhments; and the way to bend an oak, is to do it whilft it is young, I had once when young (faid he) a Spaniel which would find out the Hens neft, and breaking the eggs fuck them, fo that we could never have any Chic- kens, at laft difcovering who was the malefa6lor; I be thought my felf of this punifhment which fhould hinder him for ever doing the like. I got an ^^ roafted fo hard till the fhell was ready to burn, then did I firft fhow the Egg to the dog, and then clapt it hot into his mouth holding his jaws clofe, this fo tor- mented him by burning, that ever after he could not indure the fight thereof but if fhown run away crying as if he had been beaten. Thus for the noto- rious fa6l your Son muft be fo fharply chaftized, that when he thinks of ftealing he fhall remember thofe torments he once endured for it, & fo frighten him from executing any fuch crime. Many more argu- ments he alledg'd to that purpofe, which had fatis- fied her well in his feverity, had not natural affe6lion interpofed. What to do with me fhe knew not ; where- fore fhe confulted with my Mafter, who told her. He dicrjl not keep me longer, the Country people bringing in daily complaints againft me. And to aggravate my Mother the more, he briefly fumm'd up my faults 30 The EngliJIi Rogue: or, in this manner; having had juftly various accufers who drew up my indi6lment, Thus. Imprimis, That one of his Maids having croft me (to be reveng'd of her; knowing Ihe was a drowfie wench, when afleep not eafily wak'd) as fhe flept by the fire, I took my opportunity, to melt fome glew, and gently toucht the clofure of both her eye- lids with a pencil, which well I knew would lock up her fight. Againft the time I intended to wake her I placed all about her Chairs and Stools. The Plot being ripe, I pretended her Miftrefs called; The wench ftarting up running and rubbing of her eyes turn'd topfie turvy over the chairs, getting up fhe ingag'd her felf with the ftools and fo entang- led her felf therein, that indeavouring to free her felf her coats acted the parts of Tray tors in difco- vering the hidden fecrets and Arcanas belonging to her fex, and that with much fatisfa6lion I had feen the execution of my revenge. That this wench could not be perfvvaded by any means, but that as' a judgement Ihe was ftricken blind for fome fin fhe had committed privately, which then her confcience did whifper in her ear; and undoubtedly had turn'd Lunatick had fhe not been fpeedily reflored to her fight by taking off the glew, which was done with much difficulty. That he going about to cor- real me for this unlucky and mifchievous fa6l, was by me fhown a very Shitteft trick, which put him into a Jiinking condition, for having made my felf laxative on purpofe fquirted into his face upon the firfl lafh given. That being upon boys backs, ready to be whipt, I had often bit holes in their ears. That another time firreverencing in a paper, and running to the window with it, which lookt out into the yard, my aged Miftrefs looking up to fee who opened the Wtfty Extravagant. 31 Cafemcnt, I had like to have thrown it into her mouth ; however for a time deprived her of that little fight fhe had left, that another time I had watcht fome lufty young Girls, that ufed in Summer nights about twelve a clock to wafh themfelves in a fmall brook near adjacent, and that I had concealed my felf behind a Bufh, and when they were ftript, took away their cloaths, making them dance home af- ter me ftark naked to the view of their fweet hearts whom I had planted in a place appointed for that purpofe, having given them before notice of my de- fign. A great many more fuch tricks he recounted v/hich he knew, but not the tenth of what he knew not. I As for example, on Chrijlmafs-day, we had a pot of Plumb-broth. I askt the Maid to give me a tafte to fee how I lik'd them, / that I Jliould, the faid (this was the Maid I had fo ferv'd before with glew) and with that takes up a ladle full and bid me fup, fhe holding the ladle in her own hand, I imprudently opening my mouth fomewhat larger then I fhould flie poured down the fcalding pottage through my throat: at prefent I could not tell the jade (that laught till fhe held her fides) how I lik'd them ; but I verily believ'd I had fwallowed the Gtmpowdcr-Ploty expecting every moment to be blown ?ip. I took as little notice of this paffage as poflibly I could, re- folving to retalliate her kindnefs when fhe leaft thought on't. I obferved the maid to carry this plum- pottage pot into the yard, and taking notice that the weight of the Jack was in the fame yard, wound up a great height under a fmall pent-houfe, the Jack being down I fuddenly removed the weight, and fafbned the pot to the line, fo going into the Kit- ching, wound it up to the top, and then ftopt it, 32 TJie EngliJJi Rogue: Or, for the meat was taken up. The houfe was all in an uproar inftantly about the Pot, every one admiring what fhould become of it : The Maid averred that fhe faw it even now, and none could remove it but the Devil. Others afferted (which were infecled with Puritanijm) that it was a Judgment fhown for the fuperflitious obfervation of that feftival day ; but the next day, roafling Meat, this feeming miracle vanifhed by the defcending of the pot faftened to the Jack-line. Another time my Mafler had referved in his Garden fome choife Aprecocks, not above an half-fcore; which he purpofed for fome friends that intended to vifit him Ihortly : The daily fight of this delicate fruit, being forbidden, tempted me more flrongly to attempt their rape ; but I made choice of an impropitious hour to accomplifh my defign in; for my mafter looked out of his window and faw me gather them, though he knew not abfo- lutely whether it was I or no. Whereupon ; he in- ftantly fummoned us together, being met, I quickly underftood his intention : therefore I conveyed the Aprecocks into the next boys pocket, I had no foon- er done it, but we were commanded to be fearched ; I was very forward to be the firft though I was moft fufpefted, but none was found about me, fo that I was acquitted. But to fee with what amazement the poor boy gazed, when they were difcovered about him, how ftrangely he looked, diftorting his face into feveral forms, produced laughter even from my in- cenc'd Mafter, but real pity from me, for he was fe- verely whipped for that Crime I my felf committed. I could recite many more fuch like childifh Rogue- ries, did I not fear I fhould be tedious in their rela- tion, and burden the Reader with juvenile follies; Witty Extravagant. 33 fore I Ihall return where I left off. Whilft my Mo- ther was in a ferious confultation with her Reafon, how {he fhould difpofe of me, I had not patience to wait the refult, but gave her the flip, refolved to run the risk of Fortune, and try whether mine own endeavours would fupply my neceflities. CHAP. IV. How he ran from his Mother, and wJiat courfes he Jleered in one whole years Ramble. ITwas 'mAu7i/i-whenl undertook this my Knight- errantry ; the fairnefs of the Seafon much fa- voured my enterprife : thinking I fhould always en- joy fuch weather, and never be pincht with neceflity, I went on very couragioufly. The firft dinner I made was on Blackberries and Nuts, efteemed by me very delicious fare at firft, which delighted me fo much the more, having not my liberty controul'd. When night approached it feemed very uncouth & ftrange, finding inftead of a feather-bed, no other thing to lie on but a Haycock, and no other coverlid but the Canopy of Heaven. But confidering with my felf that I had no task to con over night, nor fear of over-fleeping my felf next morning, and fo be fetcht to School by a Guard of my fellow Schollars with a Lanthorn and Candle, though the Sun appear'd at that time in his full luftre ; I laid my felf down and flept profoundly, not without fome affrighting dreams : The laft was of the Cat of Nine Tails, which my Mafter laid fo D 34 TJie Englijh Rogue \ Or home me thought that the fmart thereof made me cr>' out, and fo I awaked ; as then the early Larke, the winged Herald of the morning, had not with her pretty warbling Notes, fummon'd the bright watch- men of the Night to prepare for a retreat ; neither had Aurora opened the Vermillion Oriental Gate, to make room for Sols radiant Beams, to diffipate that gloomy darknefs that had muffled up our Hemif- phere in obfcurity. In the morning I went on in my progrefs as the day before ; then began a fhower of tears to fall from my eyes, confidering how I had left my difconfolate, and almoft heart-broken Mother, lamenting my lofs, and fearing what fatal courfes I might take : it was no lefs trouble to me to think that I was travelling I knew not whither, moneylefs, having nothing but hazel, and Brambles to addrefs my felf for the appeafmg of hungers approaching gripes. Now me thought I began to loath my afore- named Manna, Blackberries, Nuts, Crabs, Bullies, dfc, and longed to tafte of the Flejh-pots again, but the Devil a bit could I get but what the hedges afforded me. All day I thus wandred about, not daring to come near any Town, having had fuch bad fuccess in the laft when I firft rambled, and now night came on, which put me in mind of procuring a lodging fomewhat warmer than the other. A Barn prefently offered it felf to my fight, which I accofted, and without delay or fear, entred into the inchanted Caftle, where I found accommodations for the moft faithful and valiant Knight that ere ftrode Saddle for Ladies fake. Here might I take my choice of variety of frefh ftraw, but my wearinefs would not permit to complement my good fortune one jot, and I fo tumbled overhead and ears; I had not lain there Wtify Extravagant. 35 above an hour before I heard a noife, and peeping out of the ftraw, being in a great fear, I faw a many ftrange Creatures come into the Barn, for the day- was not yet fhut in. Mythoughts prefently reminded me, that I had heard talk of Hobgoblings, Fairies and the Hke, and judged thefe no other ; and that which confirmed me in this belief, was their Garb and talking to one another in a Language I under- ftood not, (but fince, I underfland it to be Canting.) I lay ftill as long as my fear would permit me, but they furrounding me, I was not able to contain my felf longer, but cryed out aloud, Great God Jiave mercy on me, and let not thefe Devils devour me ; and with that, ftarted out from among them : They amazed as much as I, ran for it too, leaving their children behind them, every one efbeeming him the happieft man which was the foremoft. I looking behind me, feeing them following me, imagined thefe Devils ran upon all four, and having ftarted their game were refolved to hunt a finful Leveret to death : Concluding them long-winded Hell- hounds, I judgd praying a fafer way than flying, and fo fell inftantly on my knees : The Gypjies quickly overtook me, and finding me in that pof- ture, foon underftood whence their fear proceeded. They then fpoke to me in a Language I under- ftood, bidding me not be afraid ; but I had heard the Devil was a Lyar from the beginning, therefore I would not believe them. They would have rais'd me from my devotion, telling me it was enough, and that made me fufpe6l them the more ; think- ing they defigned to get me out of a praying pof- ture, that they might have the more power of me. Nothing prevailing with me, they vowed and pro- tefted they would not injure me in the leaft, and if D 2 36 The Englifh Rogue : Or I would go along with them, I fhould fhare as deli- cioufly as they did, this was a potent argument to perfwafion, and fo I agreed to go along with them back again. All their cry was now for Rum-booz {i. e.) for Good Liquor. Their Captain not induring to hear fo fad a Complaint, and not endeavour the fupplying the want complained of, immediately commanded out four able Maunders, (Beggars) ordering them to ftroule (wander) to the next Town, ever}'- one going apart. Some Countrey-men gave them drink fearing they might fire the houfes in the night, out of revenge, others (out of the more ignorant fort) thought they could command infernal fpirits, and fo harm them that way, or elfe bewitch their Cattle, and therefore would not deny them : in fo much, that in a fhort time thefe four retum'd laden with bub and food. It was prefently placed in the middle of us, who fate circularly ; then out came the Woodden difhes, every one provided but my felf, but I was foon fuppli'd by a young Rum- Mort that fate next me intended for my fporting mate. A health went round to the Prince o( Maun- ders, another to the Great Duke of Clapper dogeons, a third to the Marquefs of Doxy Dells ^ & Rum Morts, a fourth, to the Earl of Clymes ; neither did we forget, Haly,Ahbas^ Albumazar, Arcandam, with the reft of the Waggoners, that ftrive who ftiall be principal in driving C/tarles his Wain. Moft part of the night we fpent in Boozing, pecking rumly or wapping, that is drinking, eating, or whoreing, ac- cording to thofe termes they ufe among themfelves. Jealoufie was a thing they never would admit of in their Society, and to make appear how little they were tainted therewith, the males and females lay ^romifcuoufly together, it being free for any of WtUy Extravagant. 37 the Fraternity to make choice of what Doxie he liked beft, changing when he pleafed. They plyed me fo oft with their Rum-booz (as they called it) and pleafed me fo well in giving me a young Girle to dally with, who (though in Rags, and with a skin artificially difcolloured tawny) yet I was not fo ig- norant, as not to underftand good flefh, and what properties went to the compleating a votarefs for Venus fervice. I was fo tickled in my fancy with this pretty little wanton Companion, that for her fake, I was very well content to lift my felf one of that Ragged Regiment. And that which added to the induceing me to this refolution, was my want of money, and what I fuffered in thofe two foregoing hard dayes fare among the Nut Trees. I firft ac- quainted my Doxie with my intent, who glad to hear thereof, gave it vent, and broacht it to the reft, who unanimoufly with joy imbraced me ; and to gratify my inagravation tipt to each other a Gage of Booz, and fo went round. The fumes of drink had now afcended into their brain, wherefore they coucht a Hogs-head^ and went to fleep. 38 The Englijh Rogue: Or, CHAP. V. WJierein he relates wJiat manner of People they were in whofe Society Jie entered him/elf, di- vijion of tlieir Tribes, Manners, Cuflomes, and Language. AS foon as I had refolv'd to travel the Country with them, they fitted me for their company by ftripping me, and feUing my proper garments, and cloathing me in rags, which they pinn'd about me, giving a ftitch here and there, according as necefiity required. We ufed not when we entered our Lib- kin or Lodging to pull off our clothes ; which had I been forced to do, I could never have put them on again, nor any, but fuch who were accuftomed to produce Order out of a Babel of Rags. Being now ale mode Taterdemallion, to compleat me for their purpofe, with green Walnuts they fo difco- loured my face, that every one that faw me, would have fworn I was the true Son of an Egyptian. Be- fore we marched on, let me give you an account of our Leaders, and the rancks we were difpofed in. Our chief Commander was called by the name of Ruffeler, the next to him Upright-man, the reft in order thus : Hookers, (alias) Anglero. Priggers ofPrancers. Pallyards. Praters. Prigges. Swaddlers. Curtals. Irifh toyle. Witty Extravagant. 39 Swigmen^ jfarkemen. Patri-Coes. Kitchin-Coes, A trainmen. Whip- Jacks. Counterfeit- Cranks. Dommerars. Glymmerers. Bawdy -Baskets. Autem-Morts. Doxies. Dells. Kitchin-Morts. We Mufter'd above threefcore old and young, and becaufe we were too great a company to March together, we were divided into three Squadrons. The firft Squadron that led the Van, was ordered by our Commander, to ftick up fmall boughs all the way they went, that we might know what courfe they fteer'd. For like Wild Fowl we fly one after another, and though we are fcattered like the quarters of a Traitor^ yet like water when cut with a Sword, we eafily came together again. As the Switzer hath his Wench and his Cock with him when he goes to Wars: or like a Scotch Army, where every Soldier almoft hath the Geud Wife & the Beams following him: So we had every one his Doxie or Wench, who carried at her back a Ltdlaby- cheat, & it may be another in her Arms. When they are weary of carrying them, they take their turnes to put them in a pair of Panniers, like green Geefe going to Market, or like Fifh in Doffers coming from Rye. Where note, that each divifion hath a fmall Korfe or two, or elfe Affes to eafe them of their burdens. Some of us were clad Antickly with Bells and other toys, meerly to allure the Country people unto us, which moft commonly produced their defired effefls. In fome places they would flock unto us, in great quantities, and then was our time to make our Markets. We pretended an acquaintance with 40 The Englijh Rogue : Or, the Stars (as having an alliance to the Egj/ptian Magi, the founders of Aftrologick Art) and that the Minifters of Fate were our Familiars, and fo poffef- fing thefe poor ignorant people with a belief, that we could tell their fortunes by infpeftioji into either hands or faces; whil'ft we were ferioufly looking thereon, one of our diving Comrades pickt their pockets, or with a fhort fharp knife, and a horn on the thumb nipt their bungs. By asking the filly milk Maids queftions, we gathered from their own mouths the propereft resolutions, then they would admire, and in their admiration tremble to hear the Truth proceed from the mouth of fuch as were ftrangers to their a6lions, by which means, among fome we gained a great refpe6l, accompanied with fear. Did not Aftrologers make ufe of fuch ftratagems, they could never acquire fo much repute among the ju- dicious, as well as vulgar capacities. And becaufe it falls in fo pat to my prefent purpofe, I fhall beg fo much patience from the Reader, as to give him a brief account of fome fallacies, fome Star-gazing Impojiors ufe to work their own ends, and delude credulous people. One whereof I knew, who raifed his credit (and fmce a confiderable eftate) upon the Bafis of good intelligence. He kept a fervant, who conftantly attended below for the reception of fuch who came for fatisfa6lion in the Aftrological Refo- lution of queftions. This mans Office was to tell the Querent, TJiat his Majler was biijie above, abffut fome grand concern, but if the P erf on would be plea- fed to wait a little while, till that bufinefs was dif- patclied Ju quefiioned not but tliat his Mafler would render him afatisfa6lory account of wJiat he demand- ed, adding farther (to infufe into him faith, to credit what he faid) that though report kadfpoketi largely^ Wttfy Extravagant, 41 (and yet nothing but what this Artift hath merited) yet all came far JJiort of his real defert, having done I uch flupendioiis things, that muji needs {withojit in- juftice, be commemorized to Eternity, and admired by future ages. In the mean time, this fervant endea- voured to pump out of the Proponent what he came about, w^hich being underftood, he gave information to his Mafter, by fo many times ringing of a Bell. This Item being given, the Querent is called up., and before ever he can frame his mouth to propound his queftion, this profound Artift prevents him, fay- ing, I know what yoti come about Sir, (therefore fave your f elf tJie labour to tell me that which I know alrea- ' dyjyou have lofla Watch, a Horfe; or you woiddknow hozvyoufhallprofper infuch a bufinefs, whitJier Mar- riage or an Imployment ; or anyfuch like common que- flion. This makes the Artift to be wondered at ; and then ere6ling a Scheme, pofitively and furlily tells him what he muft expefl, and that he may give an- fwers more exaflly concerning ftolen goods, he was in conftant fee with Thief-takers, who from time to time, made him a report of what perfons were rob- bed, what the things were, and many times gave him a defcription of the Fellon. By thefe pra6lifes men believed every word he delivered to be an Ora- cle; fo that his Chamber was daily fo thronged with the report of people, that in a fhort time his ambition pricked him on to purchafes, with the money he had gained thus fallacioufly. One ftory, very remarkable, I fhall add, and then crave your par- don for this my digreffion. One day a young Gen- tleman (but of a mean eftate) came to him, who was more credulous than wife, and more inquifitive then prudent; and having not that wealth which h.\s pro- digality required, defired inftru6lions what courfe he I 42 The EngliJJi Rogue'. Or, was beft to fteer to arrive at the Port of his wifhes and hopes: viewing him narrowly, he perceived him to be a man of a fweet complexion, and a body well proportioned; and therefore judged him a fit fubje6t for Female fancies to work upon. Sir, (faid he) I (hall give yoic my hejl advice, but I JJiall crave your patience for a little while ; for a matter of this weight muft not precipitately be undertaken: where- fore if you pleafe to fee me to morrow, what lies in me fliall be at your fervice. Being jufl gone it happened that a Stale Maid, who had more money than beau- ty, & lefs difcretion than lechery, came to be refolv'd of him, W/ien fhe fhould be married: (for it feems by the fequel fhe could tarry no longer :) viewing her well, (though fhe knew not him) he knew her to be wealthy, and nearly related to perfons of quality. Madam, (faid he) I fliall endeavour your fatisfalion ; and fo withdrew into his clofet. Having flaid a while bringing out his Figure, and with much gravity looking thereupon, he thus unridled the myfterious meaning of the Celeftial Bodies. Madam, You never was much troubled with the importunate fuits of amo- rous Vi/itants, (this he gathered from the deformity of her Phyfiognomy) they all knowing your indiffe- rency to change your condition, but upon confiderable grounds; by which means you have almofl fruflrated what the Stars have dtfigned for you. I hope it is but almofl, (faid fhe) not altogether: for it troubled her ve- ry much to hear fhe fhould leave the world without tafbing the fweets of a married life. No, (he replied) for if to-morrow by four of the clock in the Afternoon, you go into Moor-fields, & take a turn or two in the U- ferers-walk, youfhall there meet with a perfon rich & liandfome, that at firfi fight fhall fall extreamly in love withyou; flight him not, neither deny him his cofijugal Witty Extravagant. 43 propofal; if you do, it will be too late to hope for an huf- band. You fliall diflinguifh him from otlters by tJtefe figns: His Complexion is fair, his Eyefharp and pierc- ing, his Hair flaxen, of a middle Stature. Her joy had like to have tranfported her beyond the bounds of modefty, which flie could not conceal, but made it appear in a pecuniary expreflion of her gratitude for fuch welcome tidings; and fo promifmg him to fol- low his counfel, fhe took her leave. The next morn- ing the young Gallant came, who had his leffon gi- ven him: but before he went, he made him give a Bond of 200/. to be paid upon the day of his mar- riage with that Gentlewoman; which he gladly confented to, and paid that very fum within ten days after, for according to the dire6lions was given him, he met with that Gentlewoman defcrib'd to him, as he had been before to her, who at the firft fight of each other, was incapable of containing themfelves, but mutually embrac'd (after three or four words paft) as if he had been her {quondam) Dearly Belov- ed, returned from fome long Voyage, and went not to their refpe6live lodgings till their Marriage was confummated. But to return where I left off. Thus we rambled up and down the Countrey ; and where the people demean'd themfelves not civil to us by voluntary contributions, their Geefe, Hens, Pigs, or any fuch mandible thing we met with, made us fatisfaftion for their hide-bound injuries. Our revenge moft commonly was very bloody, and fo mercilefs, that whatever fell into our hands, never efcaped alive, and in our murders fo cruel, that no- thing would fatisfic us but the very hearts-blood, of what we killed. The ufual facrifices of our impla- cable revenge, were innocent Lambs, Sheep, Calves, 44 The Englijh Rogue: Or, dfc. all which we handled more feverely than Pri- foners are by Serjeants, when they are not paid their unjuft Demands; Fees, I fhould have faid, but that by experience I have found, they walk not accor- ding to the Rules of ancient Conftitutions, but are guided by the di6lates of their infatiate wills, which is their Law, which poor Prifoners muft indulge, (though they rack their flender credits, or pawn their Clothes) or elfe they muft expe6l lefs kindnefs from them, then a Condemned perfon about to be tyed up by the Hang-man, who will ftay till he is ready to be turned off. A Goofe coming among us, we have a trick to make him fo wife, as never to be a Goofe again: But let the wifeft ufe what tricks they can, they never fhall make fome Serjeants ho- neft men. We feize the prey, and leave the Tragical part to our Morts or women to afl : the Stage on which they perform their parts, is either fome large Heath, or Firze-buJh-Common, far from any Houfe. This being done, and night approaching, we repair to our Dormitories, or Houfes of reft, which are moft ufually Out-barns of Farmers and Husband- men, which we make choice of in fome poor ftrag- ling Village, who dare not deny us, for fear ere the morning they find their Thatcht Houfes too hot to hold them. Thefe Barns ferve us inftead of Cook Rooms, Supping Parlours, and Bed-Chambers: ha- ving Supt, (moft commonly in a plentiful manner) we cannot Couch a Hogfhead, that is to fay, fleep, without good ftore of Rmn-booz, that is, drink ; and having fufficiently warm'd our brains with hum- ming Liquor, which our Lower (Silver) fhall pro- cure ; if our deceitful Maunding (Begging) cannot, we then fing a catch or two in our own Language, Witty Extravagant. 45 of which we had good ftore ; which for their baw- dry I omit : however, give me leave to inftance one Canting Song, and I fhall wave the reft, being loath to tire you too much with one thing. BIng- out bien Morts, and toure, and toure, Bing out bien Morts, and toure ; For all your Duds are bing'd awaji Tlie bien Cove Jiath the loure. I met a Dell, I viewd her well. She was benjhip to my watch ; So /he and I did Jlall, and cloy, Wliatever we could catch. This Doxie Dell can cut bien whids, And wap fell for a win ; And prig and cloy fo benfhiply, All tJte Deufea-vile within. Tlie boyle was up, we had good luck, In frofi for and in Snow : WJien they didfeek, then did we creep. And plant in Ruffe-mans low. To (irawling Kai the Mort bings then, To fetch loure for fier cJieats ; Duds & Ruffe-peck, Rombold by Harman beck, And won by Maunders feats. Ye Maunders all, flow what you flail. To Rome Coves what fo quire, And wapping Dell, that niggles well. And takes loure for her hire. And Jybe well ferckt, teck rome confeSl, For back by glymmar to Maund\ To mill each ken, let Cove bing t/ten, Through Ruff-mans, j ague, or Laund, Till Crampings quire tip Cove his Ipire ; And Quire Ken do tfiem catchy 46 The Englijh Rogue \ Or, A Canniken, mill quire Cuffin, So qicire to hen Coves watch. Bien Darkmans then, Boufe Mort and Ken, The bien Coves bings awaft, On Chates to trine by Rome Coves dine. For his long lib at laji. Bing'd out bien Morts and toure, and toure, Bing out of the Rome vile bine, And toure the Cove that cloy d your duds, Vpon the Clmtes to trine. Having even wearied ourfelves with drinking and finging, we tumbled promifcuoufly together, Male and Female in Straw, not confining our felves to one conftant Confort, we made ufe of the firft that came to hand ; by which means incefts and Adul- teries became our paftimes. By this means I grew weary of their pra6lices, and therefore refolved to defert them as foon as the firft opportunity fhould offer it felf, which was in a fhort time ; wherefore at the prefent I ftiall fay no more of them, only give me leave to give fome fmall account of their Language. The firft Inventor of Canting, as I am informed, was Hanged about four fcore years fince: fuch Gibberijh was never heard of before ; fince which time, there hath not been wanting fuch, who have taken pains in the polliftiing, refining, and augmenting that Language of the Devils Imps. It is a confufed invention of words ; for its Diale6l I cannot find to be grounded on any certain Rules ; and no wonder fince the Founders and Pra6licers thereof, are the chief Fathers and Nourifhers of Diforder. Yet even out of that Irregularity a man may obferve fome kind of form, and fome words do retain fomething of Scholarfliip,as Togeman,di Gown, IVtUjy Extravagant. 47 from Toga ; Pannam, from Panis Bread ; Co/an, Cafeus, Cheefe. The monofyllable Cheat \ we ufe as a Relative, as Nab, a Head ; Nah-cheat, a Hat, 6fc. Cove or Cuffin is in general terms a Man ; but by adding bicn, which fignifies good or well, or Quire, which is wicked or Knavifh ; you make the word Cove fignifie an Honeji man, or a Jujiice of Peace. Pardon the expreffion, for they call a Juftice Quier Ciiffin ; that is to fay, as before mentioned, a wicked, knavifh, or foolifli man. To conclude, I fhall here infert this little Canting Vocabulary Alphabetically, A Vtem Mort \_ Abram A married Woman Xa. Naked A brain Cove A Tatter demallion A litem A Church BugJiar A Cur Bo7ife Drink Bonjitig Ken An Ale-houfe Borde A Shilling Boung A Purfe Bien Good or well Benjhiply Very well Benar Better Bing To go Bing a wajie To go away Bube The Pox Bufe A Dog Bleating cheat A Sheep Belly cheat An Apron Betty An Inftrument to break (a door Bite the Peter or Roger Steal the Portmantle or (Cloak-bag.) 48 The EngliJJt Rogue \ Or, Budge Bulk and File Cokir Cove \ Cuffin) Cuffin-Quire Cramprings Chats Canke Crackmans Calk ) Togeman > Jofeph ) Couch Couch a Hog/head Commiljion \ Mijh i Cackling cheat CaJJan Crajh Crajhing cheats Cloy Cut Cut bien whids Cut quire whids Confeck Cannakin Cly the Jerk Clapperdogeon Culle Dimber Damber Drawers Duds One that fteals Cloaks The Pick-pocket and his A Lyar (mate A Man A Juftice of Peace Bolt or Shackles The Gallows Dumb Hedges A Cloak To lye or deep To go to fleep A Shirt A Chicken Cheefe To kill Teeth To fteal To fpeak To fpeak well To fpeak evilly Counterfeit The Plague To be whipt A Beggar born A Sap-headed Fellow Pretty Rafcal Stockings Goods Witfy Extravagant. 49 Deufea-vile The Country Donunerar A Mad-man Darknians Night or evening Doxie \ \ A Wench Dell ) Dock'X \ To Wap) Deufwins Two pence Dup To enter. Earnejl A part As tip me my Earnejl Give me my part or fhare Frummagem Choakt Filch A Staff Ferme A Hole Fambles Hands Famble chears Rings or Gloves Fib To beat Flag A Groat Fogus Tobacco or Smoke Fencing Cully One that receives ftollen (goods Glymmer Fire Glaziers Eyes Grannam Corn Gentry-Mort A Gallant Wench Gan A Lip Gage A Pot or Pipe Grunting cheat A Sucking Pig Giger A Door Gybe Any Writing or Pafs Glazyer One that goes in at the (windows E so The Englijh Rogue : Or, Gilt A Pick-lock Harmanheck A Conftable Harmans The Stocks Heave a Booth To rob an Houfe Half bard Six pence Hearts eaCe A twenty fhillings piece Jocky A Flayl, or mans Privities Jague A Ditch Jarke A Seal Ken An Houfe Kinchin Little Knapper of Knappers A Sheep-ftealer Kinchin Cove A little man Kate A Pick-lock Loure Money Lightmans Morning or Day Lib To tumble Libben An houfe to lie in Lage Water Lib edge A Bed Lullabie-cheat A Childe Lap Pottage Lurries All manner of Cloaths Maunder To Beg Maunders Beggers Margery Prater An Hen Mill To fteal Make An half-penny Mynt Gold Muffling cheat A Napkin Mumpers Gentile Beggars Milken One that Breaks houfes Munns The Face Nab An head Witiy Extravagant. 51 Nab-cJieat An Hat ('To take Nab ] ( Or cheat Palliard One whofe Father is a Beggar born Paplar Milk-Pottage Prats Thighs Prigg To Ride Peckidge Meat Pannam Bread Plant To lay or hide Prigging Riding Prancer An Horfe Prating clieat A Tongue Peake Any Lace Pike on the Leen Run as faft as you can Perry Fearful Peter A Portmantua Prigger of Prancer s An Horfe-ftealer Pad The Highway-man Plant your whids Have a care what you fay Quarron A Body Quacking cheat A Duck Quier Wicked or Roguifh Quier-Ken A Prifon Quier-Mort A Pocky Jade Quier- Cove A Rogue Romboyle A Ward or watch Rome Gallant Rome-vile London Rome-Mort A Gallant Girl Ruffin The Devil Roger A Cloak-bagg The Englijh Rogue : Or, Ridge-cully a Goldfmith Ruffler an over-grown Rogue Ruffe peck Bacon Rod-Jhanke a Mallard Rom-pad The High-way Rome-padders High-way-men Rome-Culle a Rich Coxcomb Swagg a Shop Sundge One that lies under the bed to rob the houfe SJwp-lift One that deals out of (hops Stampers The fhooes Stock-drawers Stockings Stamps Legs Scoure To wear Skew a Difh Slate a Sheet Strommel Straw or Hair Skepper a Bam Stow your whids Be wary (2. Brokers Houfe, or an Stalling-Ken \ Houfe to receive ftol- ( len goods Smelling cheat A Garden Solomon The Mafs Tour To look out Tout his muns Look in his face Track up the Dancers Go up the Stayres T/te Cul Snylches The Man eyes you Tip the Cole to Adam Give what money you Tyler pocket-pickt to the next party, prefently Tip the Mifh Give the Shirt Witiy Extravagatit. 53 Tib d m Buttery a Goofe Tip To give TJie Mart tipt tne a wink The Whore gave me a wink Trine Tyburn Trining Hanging Tick-Rome A Licenfe Tres wins Three pence Win A Penny WicJter Cully A Silver-fmith Yarufn Milk This much for a tafte : I think it not worth my pains to infert all thofe Canting words which are ufed ; it is enough that I have here divulged what words are moft in ufe. Having now deferted this Tawny Crew ; I refolved to betake my felf to a new Trade ; which you fhall underftand in this following Difcourfe. CHAR VI. Mow he went a Begging. What Rules fie obferv'd therein. What Villanies he committed whiljl he profejl that my/lerious Art. NEceffity is a thing better known by the effefls, than its chara6ler ; and of all things the moft infufferable : to prevent which, it puts a man on to venture upon all manner of difhoneft and dange- rous alions, fuggefting ftrange imaginations, and defperate relolutions, folliciting things infamous, E 3 54 The Englijh Rogue : Or, and attempting things impoflible ; the produ6l of which is only diforder, confufion, fhame, and in the end ruine. But when Neceffity fhall conjoyn with an evil difpofition, a deprav'd nature, what horrid and nefarious fafts will it not inftigate that man to perpetrate ? And though he feeth monthly exam- ples of perfons condemned and executed for the like crimes he daily pra6lifeth, will not forbear nor defift from fuch irregular and life-deftroying courfes, till they have brought him to the like miferable Cataftrophe. Neceffity had now deeply fain in love with me ; and the young Virgin Shame-fac'dnefs (once my Miftrefs) had forfaken me : for as foon as I had pull'd but one thread out of her garment, all the reft unravell'd ; and fhe not brooking her naked- nefs, changed her mafter, and fo totally left me. Having now obtained more than a convenient bold- nefs I travell'd, and begg'd with very good fuccefs. But me thought my life was fomewhat uncomfort- able without a Companion, (all Creatures coveting fociety, but more efpecially Man :) at length, accord- ing to my defires, I met with one, whofe long prac- tice in this Art, befides the Obfervations of his Pre- deceflors, deriving his pedegree in a direl line from Prince Prigg^ indu'd him with fo much skill as to furnifh me with the knowledge of anything that belonged to the liberal Art of Begging. We ftraight betook our felves to the Boozhig Ken ; and having bubb'd rumly, we concluded an everlafting friendfliip. Than did he recount to me the moft material things obfervable in our Profeffion. Firfk, he tun'd my voice to that pitch which might moft of all raife companion ; next what form of prayer I was to ufe upon fuch an occafion, what upon fuch, vary- Wiity Extravagant. 55 ing according to the humour of thofe perfons that I begged of, gathered from their habit or gefture ; then he told me when we came to Loftdon, he would acquaint me what places were moft fit for our pur- pofe, and what times. That I ought not to be too importunate to fome, always wifhing well, and loudly praying for the health and fafety of Eftate and Limbs of fuch as deny'd me Alms ; but more efpecially pronounce a God blefs you Majier, and let Heaven reward wJiat you Jiave here done on earth, if any thing is beftowed upon me. If anylhould pity my nakednefs, and cloath me in garments without holes in them, I fhould wear them no longer than in the Donors fight, referving my rags to re-inveft my felf, and fell the other, as unfit and fcandalous to our Occupation. That we fhould never beg far from one another, and at nights faithfully fhare the gains. Moreover, he inform'd me the way to make all forts of feeming fores and lamenefs. That within the tatter'd rags, there be places provided for private conveyance. Some of maturer age, if they have no children, rent them of fuch as have ; but we had no occafion for this fallacy. That if I faw a door open, I fhould go in boldly ; if I met any in the way, I fhould then in a very fubmifTive manner im- plore their help in the affiftance of my wants, never defiring any thing but what was of fmall value, one half-penny, farthing, or fome broken cruft, (if at a door) pretending the not eating of a bit in two days. If the paffage was clear, whip away what was near- eft to hand. That the time of rifmg in the morning be very early, fhewing my felf in the ftreets : for then will thofe that pafs by, judge I have no o- ther lodging but what a ftall affords, that way pro- 56 The Englijh Rogue: Or, curing relief from pitiful-minded perfons, and fo continue begging till the evening; when it beginneth to be duskifh, if any then walks fmgly, accoft him in a begging form ; coming up fo clofe, as that you may knock him down with a Truncheon, ftill car- ried about for that purpofe ; which is done fecurely, and many times with a good booty. Being full fraught with thefe, and many more precepts he delivered, we fet forth on our progrefs. We had not gone far, before we were furprized by the Conftable, as two fturdy Vagrants, and zs,hand- fail to my new Trade, we were both foundly whipt out of Town. To avoid this danger for the time to come, we mift all the towns of any confiderable note in our way, and only frequented Villages ; nay at laft we were forc'd not only to avoid them but the High- ways too: for Travellers obfervingour garb, countenances, and weapon, which was a Bat- toon, fufpe6ling us, would before they came near us, fet fpurs to their horfes and ride as if the Devil drove them. Many petty rogueries we performed by the way, not worthy the commemoration, and therefore I fhall pafs them over ; only this I fhall infert. Travelling the Field-way, we flumbled on a Tin- ker and his Trull lying by an Hedge-fide, I knew not what to thinke at firft they lay fo ftill, with much pulling and ftirring then they awakened ; I askt them what they lay there for ? They anfwered me, That they were lately bitten by a Serpent near adjacent, a potent creature, mighty in ftrength, and of a vaft proportion, who had lately ftung feveral as well as they. It feem'd very ftrange to us, efpe- cially having heard not the leaft report hereof. To Witty Extravagatit. 57 be fhort, I defir'd them to fhew us the place of his refidence, which they readily confented to. In ftead of this Venomous Animal, they only brought us to its reprefentation in a fign, where a Cup of double- brew'd Beer was fold, notable huming geer. The people lik'd the Tinker and his Female Comrade well enough, but would not admit of us, till we fliew'd them money : For ourVeftmentslook'd like the Gleanings of a Rag-merchants Yard. We drank ftifly till we laid the Woman afleep again : ftill the Tinker bore up ftifly, fhe had not flept long, but up flie ftarted, pull'd up her coats, and in our prefence pifs'd in the middle of the room and fo fate her felf down, yet awaked not : which a6lion could not but produce much laughter from me and my Comrade. At laft the Tinker fell afleep too, having added fo much to his former burden that he was no longer able to ftand under it. Now had my wits enough to work on : but finding my felf very drowfie, for the ftrength of the drink had almoft over-powred me, infomuch that I was forc'd to advife with my friend what courfe I were beft take to make me a little more fober : he was fo well known in fuch matters, (being an old experienced Pitcher-man) that he quickly counfelled me what to do, he himfelf being not in the leaft difturb'd. This was his advice which he did put in pra6lice, he got a Pail full of water, and fo taking me up by the heels, he clapt my head thereinto ; holding me in that manner fo long, that the Pail had like to have prov'd the Ferry-boat that fhould waft me over the Stygian Lake] this fo qualified the heat my head had con- tra6led by my exceffive drinking of that ftrong ftupifying liquor, that I found it had wrought its defired effe6ls. 58 The Englijh Rogue : Or, After this, we ranfackt their pockets, but found little in the mans ; but fearching the woman in a private place between her Pocket and Placket, we difcovered fomething confiderable, which we took. Having fo done, we thought it high time to be gone, but firft we refolved to make fome fport as well as take their moneys, which was thus : I tied to each of their Girdles, behind, a Flaggon-pot, and to each a Label affixt, or a paper of Verfes, and fo imme- diately tript off. The Hoft feeing us go out of doors with more than ordinary fpeed, ran into the room where the Tinker and his Lady were : he fud- denly awaked them, telling them we were gone. Hearing this, they haflily flarted up, and reeling ran to overtake us : the Mafter of the houfe feeing his Pots dangling at their breech, ran after the Tin- ker, crying. Stop' em, Jlop'em, Stop the thievijh Tinker, flop the Wliore with my Pot. We were wifer than to ftay to hear how the Tinker and his Trull came off, or to hear the laughter that we undoubtedly raifed by this waggifh contrivance, but direfled our courfe for London dire6lly ; where we arrived foon enough, nay too foon for fome. This Out-cry foon alarm'd the ears of his Neighbours, who with the Hoft feizing on them, and carrj'ing them back, gave us an opportunity for our efcape. The Lines that were about the Titikers Pot, were thefe, to my befl remembrance. Serpents but Jling, or only bite fo deep. To numb the fenfe, fo lay men fafl afleep. Wit als far greater things. Til fay no more: Pay fir /I for fleeping, then tJie Pots re /lore. Thofe that were faftened to the Womans Pot, were thefe : Witiy Extravaga7it. 59 ^Twas not the Serpent, hutjlrong Beer that Jitmg: The vent being ftopt, the Drink wrought through the Bung. I had like to have forgot to give you an account of a merry paffage that hapned upon the road we tra- velled on ; beating the hoof we overtook a Cart, but in the name of Rabbi A braham, what think you was in it ? In troth even a Squadron of the Tatterde- mallion Regiment ; Some pretendedly blind, others their leggs tied up in a firing. A third fort having a dead Palfy over all one fide. A fourth fo lame as if he never had been ftrung with fmews. We fell into difcourfe, asking them whither they were bound thus carted ? They anfwered us : every one for his own Country, we have been already jib'd (faid one) that is jerkt at the Whipping-poft, and now enjoy the benefit of a Pafs. The Surly Rogue the Carter obferving our familiar talk made a ftand, fpeaking to us after this manner. Why how now Gentlemen, how dropt you out of the Carts Arfe "i what, you go on foot and your Brethren ride } It fhall not be ; eafe your legs, come I'le lend you an hand. I was about to reply when a fellow came along who knew this Carter, and askt him what he would do, or whither he was going with them Criples. Introth faid he, to tell you the truth, I am going to Kilum (a Town it feems on the borders of Oxford-'^\xt^ Hearing this, I knew not what to think on't but con- futed with the afpeft of the carted crew. Their faces difcovered nothing but fence of danger, fo that now I perceiv'd their thoughts were folely im- ployed about their efcape, which they did foon put in execution. For forthwith the firings were 6o The Englijh Rogue : Or, cut that tied up their legs, who filently Aid out of the cart one after another for fear of difcovery, the blind could fee their way down too, the Paralitick could run as fwift as a Stag ; The fellow drove on ftill, not miffing his Company prefently, at laft look- ing about he faw one running this way, another that way, a third contrary to either, a fourth was hiding himfelf in a bufh, thus they were all difperfl : D'ee here, d'ee here, cry'd the Carter, reftore the leggs and eyes you borrowed, and then run to the Devil if you can. I heard one of them diftin6lly anfwer him, I'le fee you hang'd firft, you murdering Rogue e're I will come near you ; dont you remem- ber that you faid even now that you were going to Killum. Could you but imagine the various poftures their cauflefs fear put them in you would be a great Sharer with me in laughter, I could not retain my felf from ; this flory put me in mind of the like miftake, whofe effects proved more fatall in the time of the intefline wars in Ireland: aTroopermet with a Sculogue or Country-fellow, and demanding of him whence he came, he anfwered from Killwa- nium : whither art a going ? to Killmore fayd he : (thefe are two Towns) with that the Soldier fware he fhould not kill more, and fo piftol'd him. Witty Extravagant. 6l CHAP. VII. Coming to London, he enters himfelf into the fo- ciety of Beggars^ dijlinguijhed by thefe Titles, Ben feakers, Dommerars, Clapperdogeons, &., with a Jhort defcription of their Majtners and Cujiomes ; as alfo a relation of apiece of Theft he committed. COming up to London, we ftraight way betook our felves to Newington-Butts, but by the way, my Friend could not forbear calling on his Friends in Kent-fireet, there they gave me a Nick-name; and my Comrade immediately fell to work, to put him- felf into an equipage fit for the employment we had undertaken. He needed not to alter his habit; but his chief aim was to make counterfeit Sores or Clymes, according to the term of Art that is given them. With the aflifbance of fome of the Frater- nity, he had in an hours time, fuch a Leg, that I could hardly look upon it without even dropping down; and thus they made it; They took unflaked Lime and Sope, mingled with the rufl of old Iron: thefe being well temper'd together, they did fpred it thick on two pieces of leather, which they ap- 62 TJie Eftglijh Rogue: Or ply'd to his Leg, binding it thereunto very hard, which in a fhort time did fret off the skin, the flefh appearing all raw; then did they take blood and rub'd it all over his Leg; which being fully dried, made the Leg appear all black, the Sore they did only let peep out of the holes of five or fix matterifh clouts. He foon got us a Doxie too, with a couple of children, (the fitter for our purpofe) the one to carry in her arms, and the other to lead. Providing him- felf and me with a good lufty Filch or Stick, with a hole at the end thereof, to put in a hook if occafion fhould ferve, to filch any thing off Hedges, &c. Away we went into Moor-fields\ he would have made me a Clyme too, or an Artificial fore; but my ftomack would no wayes accept of his kindnefs. Coming into the Fields, he planted me in a conve- nient place, the Doxie with her Lullaby-cheats in another; and himfelf in a third, not far diftant from one another, that one might catch the others Maund- ing at the rebound. I obferv'd my Friend ^xiA Rogue diligently, what he did, for my own information. One would have fworn he had been abfolutely lame, for (about to lie down) he Aid to the earth by his Staff; being on the ground, the firft thing I took notice of; was the pitious diftorting of his face into various forms, to ftir up compaffion in fuch as paffed by him ; to which he added, a moft doleful noife to this effe6l ; For Gods fake foine tender hearted Chrif- tians, caft through your merciftd eyes one pittiful look upon a fore, lame, and miferable wretch : Be/low one penny or Jtalfpenny upon hifn that is ready to perifh, &c. I knew not how to tune my voice, for hearkening to him ; which he obferving (when all the people were paffed by) he held up his ftick at me, a ftrong argument of his great difpleafure, whicli WiUjf Extravagant. 63 left I might farther incur, I was forced to tone it out to fome purpofe. Night approaching, we left off begging, refolving to recreate our felves with what we had got : in the way home, I faw a very- fine piece of Beef lying on a Butchers-ftall, the wo- man that kept the fhop, was telling a GofTips tale to her neighbour fo intentively, as I thought I might feize on my prey, and fhe never the wifer; with that I boldly fnatched it up; which an oppofite neigh- bour perceiving, ran after me, and foon took me, I was brought back before the woman, who was fo wife (forfooth) that fhe would not receive flollen goods, though they were her own ; and fo inraged fhe was, that nothing would ferve her turn, but I mufl go before a Juftice ; and to add to my punifhment, fhe made me carry the ftollen Beef openly. Coming before his Worfhip, my accufation was read, aggra- vated by many feigned circumftances. The pitiful and fad cafts of my eyes, were all the Rhetorick I ufed in my own vindication ; which the merciful Juftice perceiving, they were fo prevalent, as to gain fome favour from him; whereupon he ask'd the wo- man what fhe valued her Beef at ? Why (faid fhe) / would not have abated a penny offivejhillings. Take Jieed what you fay, good woman, (faid he) for Jhould you fwear this, it is enough to hang him. O Lord, Sir, (faid fhe) / would not hang him for a world ; then faid his Worfhip, You mufl prize it under thir- teen pence half-penny ; whereupon the Butchers Wife was content to value it at eight pence. The price being fet, the Beef was conveyed into the Juftices Kitchin, and the woman put to her Oath ; having fworn, my Mittimus was made, and therewith fent to Prifon. The woman now thought fhe fhould 64 The Englifh Rogue : Or, have her Beef furely, and without any danger in the reception, and therefore demanded it ; but the Juftice told her he would buy it of her, and fo asked her what fhe would have for it: Sir, (faid ,, fhe) five fhillings ; I cannot afford it one farthing un- der. How, how! (faid he) did you not fwear but even now, it was worth but eight pence, and do you now talk of five fhillings ? A mear Cheat, Extor- tioner, &c. Make her Mittimus, (fpeaking to his Clerk) which fo terrified the Woman, that fhe cried out mofl pitteoufly ; good your Worfhip, do not fend me to Prifon, and do with me what you pleafe. The Juftice at this lookt ftedfaftly upon her (who was not fo old but that he could difcern a handfome wo- man when he faw her) and indeed generally your Butchers have jolly handfome Wives ; otherwife they may be afhamed to ferve feven years in hand- ling and choofing good flefh for others, and at laft know not how to make choice of a fine young plump juicie bit for themfelves. I fay, the Juftice looking upon her, fmiled, yet feemed to reprove her fharply, and at lafl pretended he had fomething to tell her he would not have every one hear, car- ried her into a withdrawing Room, where they ftaid not long but out fhe came and declared open- ly that fhe would never defire more juftice done her, than that good and juft Juflice (as fhe called him) had fhown her. And as I underftood after- wards, he did her fo much right, that fhe fent him in an half dozen of Bottles of Canary, and fupt with him on her own flefh; I in the mean time wifhed them both choaked in the eating thereof; for never did Roman Catholick endure greater and feverer pennatice for eating flefh on Good-friday \ Witty Extravagant. 65 then I for coveting this ; I have lov'd a Capon the better for it ever fince. For I was no fooner gotten out into the ftreet, but I had a hundred people about me, crying which is the young Rogue ; this, this is he faid the Butcher, pretending to lay his hand upon my fhoulder, but gave me a terrible nip by the ear, which made me roar out fo loud and fo fuddenly unexpe6led, that my Gentleman Ufher that was leading me by the arm to the White Lyon, ftarting, let gOj his hold. There was no dallying with fo fair an opportunity, fear and love of fweet liberty fo wing'd my feet, that running inftantly hereupon, I was gotten prefently a great way before them. The Harmanbeck, Huntfman or Conftable feeing this, unable to run himfelf by reafon of that great load of flefh he conflantly carried about him, fet a pack of young yelping Curs to track the fcent, but they were foon all at a lofs : and fo I efcapt their clutches. i 66 The Englijh Rogue: Or, CHAP. VIII. Whiljl a Beggar what ctcnning tricks he invented to Heal undifcovered, and how at lajlferved, being caught ipfo fa6lo. THe next day I went into Lincolns-Inn-fields, where I faw a company of Rogues, cheats, Pick-pockets, &c., playing at Pidgeon holes (a game much praftifed there, and in More-fields, by fuch mifchievious and lazie Rafcals) growing very hun- gry, I fingled out two or three of the fitteft for my purpofe in affifting or contriving Roguery ; a little rifing grafs-plat was our counfil-table, where we con- fulted what ftratagems would beft take and were leaft known. Come Gentlemen faid I (for the Li- beral Science or antient profeffion they ftudied was enough to gentelize them) what money have yee, fine Cerere & Baccho friget ingenium, we muft have good liquor that fhall warm our bloods, enliven and unthaw our congealed fpirits and make our inven- tions and fancies as nimble as lightning. Faith faid one, I have but three pence ; yet that you may fee how well quallified I am for your company, I'le have money for you prefently. He was not gone much above an half hour but merrily he came Wtity Extravagant, 6y to us ; fitting down he defired me to put my hand down his neck between his wafcoat and fhirt, which accordingly I did, but admired to groap out three rafhers of Bacon, which I produced to the Company. Very importunate I was with him, to know what it meant, and how they came there. Give me attention (faid he) and I will unravel this riddle thus. Walking along the ftreets leifurely, ftriftly eying any thing on which I might feize fe- curely and advantageoufly : at length I faw a good pittiful old Woman (for fo fhe feem'd to me by her countenance) felling Bacon, who I obferv'd did put what money fhe took into a pocket made in her Apron. Upon this fight Fancy me thought fuggeft- ed to me that her money was as already as furely mine as if I had already confin'd it clofe Prifoner in my leathern dungeon. And thus I wrought my defign. Good Woman faid I, (fpeaking in a whin- ing tone,) how do you iell your Bacon a pound ? Seven pence (faid fhe,) whereupon I began a lamen- table oration, telling her that I would willingly have half a pound but that I had but three pence ; that my Mafter was a very cruel man, half ftarving his fervants ; come give me your money firrah, fhe faid, for once you fhall have it fo ; weighing it, I defired her to cut it into flices and thrufl it down my back; She asked my reafon for it, I told her that my Mafter ufually fearcht me, and fhould he find any fuch thing in my pockets, he would half murthcr mc. Alas poor boy (quoth the good old Woman) lean down thy head towards me, furely I will do thee that fmall kindnefs : whilft fhe was larding my back, I got my hands underneath her Apron, and with this fhort knife nipt of the bottom of her pocket, and thus have I done my part to procure yee both 68 The Englijh Rogue: Or, food and money. As I lookt on this as bafe ingra- titude, fo I could not but tacitely within myfelf, both condemn and abhorr fuch fociety, remembring the words of Juvenal. Ingratos ante omnia pone fodales. Of all perfons we fhould fhun moft the ingrateful. Neither could I forbear (though I was joyful of the purchafe) to read him a publick leflure on his in- gratitude ; what (faid I) fhall we find gratitude in Beafts (as in the Lyon that was healed by Andro- nicus in the wood, which afterwards faved his life in the Theater) and yet fhall we be unthankful ! I have read a ftory of an Afp that was kept and nourifhed by an Husbandman at his own table, feeding him there dayly ; at laft fhe brought forth two young ones, one whereof poifoned the Hus- bandmans fon, the old one (as my Author tells me) in the fight of the Father killed the offender and as if afhamed of his ingratitude departed the houfe with the other and was not feen after. I would have proceeded, but that they told me if I did, they would have no men of morals in their company, and fo away we went to Beggars Hall, hard by, where we called luftily. Fearing we should fpend all the money, I defired the company that fome fmall portion might be left in my hands as a flock to trade on, which they confented to. Having feafted our felves well, before we depart- ed, the next days meeting was appointed, when and where. Againfl the time I had made a quantity of Serpents, Crackers, &c., and brought them with me. When firft I fhow'd them, they all fell out a laugh- ing to think I could improve our flock by fuch de- IVttiy Extravagatit. 69 vices. Have but the patience to hear me (faid I) and then condemn me if you fee caufe ; Ever fmce I parted from you I have been racking my inven- tion to find out fome way whereby I might render my felf both deferving of, and acceptable to your company, and I think this my firft difcovery will do it ; I would have you Jack, Tom and Will, take an equal quantity of Crackers and Serpents, and anon at night let us go into the Market, where each of you fhall obferve each of us : where ever we make a ftand be fure you throw a Serpent, &. at that very place ; and then will we take the opportunity of the peoples confufion and fright, and fo march off with what we can lay hands on. This plot was very well liked of by all. The evening approaching (it being near November) we went to put what I had contrived to execution. The firft that was thrown was where I ftood, which fell into the Basket on which a Market Woman fate, the Woman ftartingup to extinguifh it, luddenly it bounced in her face, the fmoak whereof and powder, for a little time fo blinded her, that fhe could not fee me walk offwithafhoulderof Mutton, my comrades had the like fuccefs with a Pig and a Goofe. Having done enough as we thought for that time, we went to a place of our acquaintance, where we had the Mutton, Pig, and Goofe roafted, giving the Landlord the Pig for dreffmg, bread, and drink. We were fo fuccefsful for the firft, that we made fe- veral tryals afterwards not ineffe6lual. But in fine, I found the Proverb verified, The pitcher goes not fo often to tlie well, but that it comes home crackt at lafi. One time I went, and having ordered them to do as they had done before, a Serpent came flying on the Womans ftall where I ftood and fell into her lap, JO The Englijh Rogiie : Or, which being brufht off, fell underneath her coats, and there burfl, in the mean while I had gotten a loyn of Veal and was trooping off with it, the Wo- man miffing it fufpefted me by my great hafte, fol- lowed me and laying hands on me found her meat under my coat. O have I caught you Mr. Theif. Mi- ftake not good Woman (faid I) it is no fuch matter. For as I ftood by your ftall, the wildfire which fome unhappy Knaves threw, fo feared me, that having your meat in my hand at that time cheapning it, I was fo frighted that I ran away with your Veal to fhun the danger, forgetting to lay it down, wherefore pray take it again. Taking her meat, here is a pure excufe indeed (faid fhe) but this fhall not ferve your turn, and with that, gave me two or three fuch blows on my chops, that I verily thought fhe had made me fwallow half my teeth. Another that had heard our difcourfe takes me to task after this : Come firrah, you love the flefh well, but 'tis fit you fhould pay for it. And it is but juft if you will have my flefh, I fhould have fome of yours. Up ftraight he fnatcht his Knife, and holding me by the ear I verily thought he would have markt me as he ufed to do his calves. My crying and praying fo far prevailed, that he only kickt me to his next Neighbour and fo from one to another, fo that though it cannot be faid I ran the Gantlet, yet between the Pannyers on both fides, I was kickt the Gantlet from the Standard in Cheapfide to the conduit at the lower end thereof This unhappy adventure made me be- take my felf to my old courfe of begging, refolving as yet not to deal in that trade I had Htle experience in. Witfy Extravagant. 71 I ^ -c^ sc^ <^ "^ ^ v:^ v^ v:?i ^ *^ v^ <^ v^ v^ v^ ^ '^ ^ v^v^ v^ ^ ^ CHAP. IX. ^ Merchant feeing him begging, took a fancy to him, condu6ls him to his Honfe^ and entertains him as his Servant. ONe day as I was begging, more fervently then formerly,havinggotten not one penny that day, fo that I found a civil war between my Guts and Stomack, yet knew not how to falve up the dif- ference ; neither would they hearken to any thing but a Bill of Fare. In the midft of this combuf- tion, a Tradefman of no mean quality, pafllng by, took a ftrong fancy to me, being extraordi- narily pleafed with the form of my face and body. He asked me. Whence I came ? what my Parents were ? and what I intended ? I anfwered him with well contriv'd forgeries, that feemed to give him good fatisfa6lion : liking well both my fpeech and underftanding, he bid me follow him, which ac- cordingly I did ; having conduced me to his houfe, he prefented me to his Wife, my intended Miftris, telling her his refolutions of receiving me into his fervice ; at which fhe bleft her felf, faying, Prithee, Sweet-hearty fromwhat Diinghil didfi thoupick up this Shakerag, this Squire of the body? This thing drefl up in fippits ? This Scarecrow, what fJtall I call him f (for I am fure I had but few cloathes on, but what were rather fit to dung ground, then to be fent to F 2 72 The Englijh Ro^ue : Or, the Paper-mill.) Said my Mafter, Reft yourfelf Ja- tisfied,Jince it is my pteafure, this JJiall be fo : neither can I give you any reafonfor my fancy. Whereupon he commanded me to be ftript, and well wafhed ; in the mean time cloaths were provided for me, a fuit of one of his Apprentices. A great Veffel like Cornelius his Tub, was filled with water to bath me, but fo cunningly fet by the Maids, (though privately) that they might fee me all over naked. It was my good fortune to obferve my Miftrefs ftanding in a private place on purpofe to fee me difmantled ; and after I was walhed, fhe com- mended the whitenefs of my skin and well-pro- portioned limbs ; and by the confequent, approv'd within her felf of fomething elfe, for I was then a flubbed Lad. Being new clothed, and raifed to this unexpefled fortune, how flrangely did this vain blaft puff up my empty pate ! However, I was refolved to carry my felf difcreetly, left I fhould overthrow the flate I was then in, not yet well fettled. Wherefore I behaved myfelf very re- fpeflfully towards my Mafter, and ferved him as pun6tually as I could, endeavouring that my fer- vice fhould requite his kindnefs in as great mea- fure as my abilities could perform. My endeavour was not only to pleafe my Maf- ter, but my Miftrefs too, even in the meaneft fer- vices ; fo officious to her, that I was ready to perform the office of a Chamber-maid. The maid- fervants I obliged alfo, by doing their duty, as making the fires, wafhing the Kitching, nimbly and willingly doing any thing they would have me ; by which I fo ingratiated my felf among them, that I always had their good eflimation among themfelves, and good word to my Mafter Wiify Extravagant. 73 and Miftrefs when occafion ferved. Very care- ful I was, not to report what I heard, left I by that means, involv'd my felf in the afifairs of others, with- out advantage to my felf For by meddling in others matters, I fhould breed animofity among them, and reap juft hatred to my felf, when difcovered to be the too too bufie intelligencer. This I looked on as an undeniable maxime, That nothing more recom- mends a man, then a filent tongue, (unlefs neceflity required the contrary) a fair complacential carriage, and a faithful heart. My Mafter in a humour would fometimes find fault with me, but then it was my chiefeft care not to reply, knowing, that what fhould be alleadged as to my juft vindication, would but aggravate his fpirits being pafTionate, alwayes pun- 6lually performing what was commanded me. To try my fidelity, he would lay a fixpence on the Counter, or in the Window, as if it had been left there forgotten. I was wifer then to be caught fo, and therefore would inftantly carry him the mo- ney. One time fending me out to buy fomething, inftead of a fhilling he gave me among other mo- ney a piece of Gold ; I took no notice of it then, but being gone a little way, I came running back out of breath to reftore him the piece ; this and the like made my Mafter ftand amazed at my feem- ing honefty. A ftrange alteration, you will fay ; but all this was only to get a good efteem, where- by I might gain fall footing. What though I under- went a great deal of pains, and had my patience tried to the height } Yet I gain'd much in the end, had God given me grace rightly to ufe it, and the bafenefs of my nature not perfwaded me to abufe it. So much credit I had gotten with my Mafter, by my civil behaviour, that he raifed me gradatim. 74 The Englijh Rogue: Or, ftep by ftep. Being ignorant of Arithmetick ; he caufed a Mafter to come to his houfe to inftrufl me, which I foon apprehended, and by that means was capacitated to keep his accompts, which was the thing I aim'd at, intending thereby the pro- fecution of mine own ends, notwithflanding my pre- tended fidelity, and his real kindnefs to me un- deferv'd : which puts me in mind of the conclufion of an Epitaph I have read on a Tomb, which the Mafter ere6ted for the perpetual commemoration of his fervants cordial refpefl and honefty. View oft his Tomb-Jlone,Jince we feldome find, A fervant faithful, and his M after kind. Now to the intent I might compleat my con- queft of his heart, I pretended my felf an Inde- pendent, not omitting any opportunity of going to their meetings ; and upon all occafions would rail againft Steeple-houfes (as we called them) and tear the Bifhops holland fleaves to pieces, calling them the impure rags of the Babylonifh Whores Smock, &c, I would pray mornings and evenings fo loud, fo late, and fo early, that my neighbours could hardly fleep for me, much lefs thofe of our own Family. Notwithftanding all this piety, not a day paft wherein I cheated not my Mafter, Thus did I delude his eyes with pretended fanflity, yet con- cluded with the Poet, Da mihi f alter e, dajuftum SanSlumque videri^ No6lem peccatis & fraudihus obfice nubem. Let me feem fufl ; to cheat the better fhroviS d. Let my deceits be hiddefi in a Cloud. Witty Extravagant. '75 How much did I filly fool deceive my felf, think- ing my felf fecure, becaufe no mortal eye faw me. Be not thus cheated as I was, for affure your felf there is no darknefs fo thick and obfcure, which the All-over-feeing and Eternal piercing eye cannot penetrate Cernit Deiis omnia vindex. A paffage remarkable in Erafmus I read to this purpofe concerning a young Gentleman, whom a wanton Lady tempted, who ufed this expreffion as his laft and befl Refuge. Art not thou ajhamed to do that in the fight of thy Maker, and the Holy An- gels, which thou art affiamed to do in the fight of men. We are afraid of difgrace with men, not caring for the Grace of God. y6 The Englijh Rogue : Or, C H A P. X. How he cmne acquainted with lewd and vicious Apprentices. WJiat Trade they drove together. What places and times of meeting. I Was as officious at home, as referved from all company, never ftirring forth unlefs called out by my M afters bufmefs, till my next Neighbour:* man intruded himfelf into my acquaintance. Who fo farr infmuated himfelf into my affe6lions, that I was in a manner wholly ruled by him. He and I met on a time abroad, and would not be deny'd but he muft needs faften a glafs of Wine, conducing me to a Ta- vern where the Drawer (as he faid) was his friend. After feveral Congratulations paft, order was given for a pint of Canary : being gone to draw it, this young man began to tell me what an honeft fellow this Ralph the Drawer was ; which words he had no fooner utter'd, but I heard him cry at the Bar, A Pint of White-wine in tJie Rofefcore ; and immediately in he brings it, and in formality a glafs, but we made no ufe of it, for he was fearful his Mafter would difcover the cheat, and therefore defired us to be fpeedy in the difpatch,and fowemadebuttwodraughts thereof. Away he goes again, and brings in another, not after the fame manner, but crying it Right, bringing IVt^ty Extravagant. 77 withal a Quart-Bottle in his Codpiece : Now, Gent- leman, (faid he) iiji7ig your difcretion, you may Jit atui talk freely, witJiout either fear or fufpition, ufing your glafs and when your pint is empty fill him again you fhall not want for liquor Ladds. This fomething amazed me at firft, till my Neighbour Thomas told me that this was frequent, and that he and two or three friends at any time could be drunk for fix pence a piece. Come, come, you are but a Novice, faid he ; but if you will be ruled by me, I'll f hew you the way to f of ten the cord of bondage, to make the long time of a feven years Apprenticefliip feem fhort, by living as merry, nay more jovially than our Maflers. They may be deftra6led with cares how to procure neceffaries, pay Rent , fatisfie Creditors, whilfl we have none of thefe preffures and diflurbances on our fpirits. What tlwugh we have an harfh word or a fmart blow, it may be, a broken pate? We will make his Till fpring a leak for it, or his Goods go to Pot, and break hiTn at lajl too. It may be his Provilion is neither dainty nor plentiful, nay, rejirained, from our liberty too : 'tis only by day t/ten, we will be Maflers of our own at night, not wanting any thing that may conduce to mirth,or the delectation of our infatiate fenfes. I asked him how could this be done ? He anfwer- ed, If I would fwear to be fecret and faithful, atid be- come a Brother of the fociety, he would not only tell me how all this (afore recited) might be performed, but woidd likewife introduce me into the place where thefe Jolly Blades ufed to congregate. I foon confented, rejoycing exceedingly at this bleffed opportunity, (as I thought it) wherein I might fail in the Ocean of deHght, bound for no other Port but that of Pleafure or Profit, never confidering the inevitable Quickfands which fuch meet withal, fteering that 78 The Etigli/Ji Rogue; Or, courfe, having no other Compafs to fail by then their own Fancy. Very eager I was to have him inform my judgment with what at prefent I under- ftood not, but doubted not in a little time to be as forward as the foremoft in any moral wickednefs. Firft, he informed me, that I muft infmuate myfelf into the Maids favour, fo that, when the occafion fhould require, fhe may let you have the Key of the Street-door, or elfe fit up for your return, mak- ing her fenfible that fhe doth not fo break her fleep for nothing. That I muft never fail coming home to gratifie her kindnefs. If fhe be modeft and con- tinent, only kifs her, and that my behaviour fhbuld not be either rude or lafcivious, that all my expref- fions fhould favour of Platoiiique, or chaft love, often repeating this to her ; O that I was out of my time, if it were for nothing elfe but to repay thee thy love ! So great an acknowledgement I have of thy civilities, that I hope a time will come wherei?i I fJiall -make full fatisfa6lion for all, ^-c. If ftiebebuckfome, or wantonly given, fhe will never be content w ith hopes, promifes, and proteftations, vows, and fuch like windy fluff ; wherefore you muft kifs, hug, and em- brace her, telling how dearly you love her ; and then fall to fomewhat elfe : She may put you off at firft with a Pifli, a Fye, or Pray be civil; yet be fo far from denying, that if you proceed not on vigoroufly, fhe will prompt you herfelf, to try what mettle you are made of ; if dull, fhe will make you the Subje6l of her private nay and publick laughter and fcorn. But be very cautious of procreation, which you may prevent feveral ways. Now to tell you what manner of perfons we are ; that are confederates ; there are few among us but what are of feveral Witty Extravaga7it. 79 Trades fele6led, as Linnen Drapers, Mercers, Wool- len Drapers, Silkmen, Hojiers, HaberdaJJiers, Mer- c/iants, Grocers, Goldfmiths, jfetuellcrs. Ribband- fellers, Excliange-men, to which add a Drawer and an Oyl-man, the one to furnifh us with good Liquor, and the other to prepare our pallates for it. A great many Trades there are which fignifie nothing in our Commonwealth as P ewtrers, Braziers, Plum- tners, &c., we are only for fuch as will profit the body, pleafe the Pallate & fill the Pocket. Every one brings his feveral Commodities at the place of meeting, then do we exchange or barter one with another for what each refpe6live perfon wants ; either to fupply his own occafion, or his Miftrefs : for it is to be fuppofed fuch a thing muft be had ; when pro- cured, muft be maintained, though to the deftru6lion of our Mafters Eftates, and ruine of our bodily health. Further he added, that our Mafters might not detect us in the purloining his goods, you muft not (faid he) take too much of one fort of Com- modity. All this I liked wonderfully well, and pro- mifed to meet that day feven night at the place appointed ; and fo we parted. Coming home, I im- mediately put thefe prefcriptions into pra6tice ; firft ; taking notice of what Goods we had greateft quantity; and whatfoever Commodity my Mafter for- got he had : I always fecured it as mine own : nay, fometimes I would try him ; Therewas fuch a perfon enquiring for fuch a thing to day when you were abroad, but I could not find it: it may be he would fay, We had it not ; fuiting my defign according to defire. Having taken a thorrow view of the Shop and Ware houfe, I faw fo many ways of advantage, . if affifted by a cleanly conveyance, that I could fnip as well as the moft forward of them all. 8o The Englijh Rogue: Or, The next thing I had to do, was to endear myfelf to the chief maid, who was one of thofe that lay co- vertly to fee me wafh myfelf in the Tub ; and as fhe confeft fmce, took an affe6lion to me from that hour. It required no long time to court her into a com- pliance ; her Complexion or Temperament, forcing her acceptance of anything amoroufly inclined. The colour of her hair inclined to Red, which colour (though I know not for what reafon) I love above any : This may be partly the reafon, becaufe as that Complexion hath alwayes the concomitant of a a very white skin, fo it hath two infeperable Com- panions, Plumpnefs and Buckfomnefs : Her skin as the ufual attendant of Red or Flaxenifh hair, as I faid) was as white as whitenefs it felf : Her Cheeks naturally painted with Vermilion ; plump were her Cheeks and Lips, with a mole thereon, and a dim- ple in her Chin, as the infallible marks of one that is willing to dedicate herfelf to the fervice of Venus. Having a fit opportunity, after fome amorous difcourfe, I defired her fhe would grant me leave that night to talk with her in private, having bufi- nefs of importance to impart to her : She conde- fcended to my propofition. As foon as our Mafter and Miftrefs were gone to take their reft, her impa- tience to hear what I would fay, made her foon fend the reft to bed. The houfe being thus cleared, and all things filent as the Air, when Winds into their hollow grots repair, I acquainted her with the greatnefs' of my affeflion, which I delivered with all the Rhetorick I could invent, ftill touching that ftring which produced Loves harmonious con- cord ; So fervent I was in my expreffions, and fo ardent and hot in my defires, that I foon melted the WiUy Extravagant. 8 1 conjealed icenefs of her Chaftity: But firft there were mutual Articles reciprocally drawn and agreed unto, viz. That if /he proved with child, I JJiould marry her. TJiat I JJiould devote my f elf to her fervice, and nones elfc. That we fhould both endeavour to make ufe of all opportunities for tJie enjoyment of each other. TJiat to prevent difcovery, we flionld often fall out before people, t/tat witliont fufpition in private we might agree the better \ throwing oftentijnes bones at my /lead when fitting at Dinner, becaiife fnfpition fhoiild not deprive lier of the Griffel. So great was our feeming feud fometimes, that our mafler was called in to part us. After this I gave her plenary inftru6lions as to my affairs, which flie faithfully and pun6lually pro- mifed to obferve. Then did I put my hand to the inftrument, and fealed the Articles with two wit- neffes. The night was come wherein I was to meet ac- cording to promife. I acquainted my Amoretta with my intention of going out at twelve a clock ; and that my Mailer might not in the leaft fufpe6l me, I went to bed, but arofe again at the hour promifed. The firft time I would not carry any Commodities with me, refolving to fee firft what they did. Being come to the houfe, I was intro- duced by my Neighbour Tliomas into a private back-room, among the affociated Brethren. I was much amazed to fee iuch variety of Wares lie up- on a long Table, as Silks, Stuffs, Cloth, Linnen and Woollen, Stockings, Ribbands, Muffs, Hoods, Scarfs, and the like. Some of them came to me, G 82 The E7igliJJi Rogue : Or, and welcomed me as a Brother, drinking to me in a Beer-bowl of Sack and Sugar. Moll of the Company being met, they truckt with each other according to their convenience, furnifhing themfelves with what they either ftood in need of themfelves or their friends. Several things were offered me; I told them I had brought nothing to retalliate in lieu: They told me my Credit was good, which is the Soul of Commerce ; telling me they fhould have occafion to make ufe of me in the like nature another time, I took with me only fuch things as might be proper to beftow at home, on whom I had lately engaged my affe6lions; which I prefented her with, accompanied with ma- ny expreffions and proteftations of a never-dying affe6lion. She accepted of my kindnefs with much gratitude, but thought fhe could not fully remune- rate me without a re-admiffion into her private and then particular favours, I could eafily difcern her inclinations by griping of my hand, kiffmg as if fhe would devour me, the palpitation of her heart, and her inflamed eyes. I ran parallel with her in the fame defires, fo that with much facility we two clapt up a bargain. After which; I would have betaken my felf to my reft in my own bed, but that was difpleafmg to her, I perceived nothing would content her, but that we Ihould be bed-fel- lows. I foon affented to it, though to the hazard of both our credits and fortunes. I defired her to go up firft, telling her I would follow inftantly after. By that time I thought fhe was in bed, up marcht I the ftairs, which creackt as if they had confpired a difcovery; Coming up to the higheft /lair, I raifed my foot (being fearful of making any Witfy Extravagant. 83 noife) thinking there had been another, it defcend- ed with fuch precipitation, that I made the houfe ec- cho. The Chamber wherein my Mafter and Mi- ftrefs lay, (the maid lying in a Trundle bed under- neath them) was right againft this Stair-head. My Mafter had taken a dofe more then ordinary of Sack, fo that this noife awaked him not: my mi- ftrefs at the firft hearing thereof, imagined Thieves had broken into the houfe; fhe endeavoured to wake her Husband, by ftirring him, but could not, therefore thought it the beft way to lie ftill, ex- pe6ling the event. In the mean time I lay per due, ftirring not till I imagined my Miftrefs afleep a- gain. The maid, concluding I durft not adven- ture further by reafon of this unfortunate acci- dent, fell immediately into a profound fleep. Find- ing (after a confiderable time) all things ftill and quiet, I entred the Chamber, dark as Hell, and in a low voice, groaping the contrary way, I cried, Where art? Here, here, faid my Miftrefs, in a whifpering tone : minding from whence the found came as near as I could, I dire6led my foot-fteps to that place: The fame words being repeated, con- veyed me exa6lly to that fide of the bed whereon my Miftrefs lay. Taking her about the neck, I kift her a thoufand times : ufmg then all the alluring and loving expreffions I could invent: not perceiving my miftake, I made all the hafte I could (and all too little) to undrefs my felf; which was done in an in- ftant: Opening the Cloths to come to bed, Hold, faid my Miftrefs, I Jiave a Bed fellow already ; what I Jiave fufiered you to do, was only as a tryal to underjland what you intended. Get you gone to your own bed for this night, and I IJiall talk with you farther to morrow. I durft not reply, not daring to 84 The Englijh Rogiie\ Or, flay longer, but betook my felf to my own Chamber, poffeft with fear and fhame, I nothing but toft and tumbled all that night, taking not the leaft reft. In the morning early I was up, ftiewing my felf more than ordinary diligent. But, Lord, what a con- fufion I was in, when I faw my Miftrefs come into the Shop } I made an hundred pretences to ftoop be- hind the Counter, and re6lifie difordered Wares : So bufie I was with my back towards her, that fhe could not have fo much as a fight of me. At length ftie comes up clofe to me, and turning me about, faid. Indeed y oil take too ftiuch pains, you are too laborious; fair and foftly ; there is a great while to night yet: de- fijl a little, I mnji have a word with you. H earing this, I prefumed to look in her face, and was overjoyed; for from thence I received a moft alluring fmile, in- ftead of a killing frown. This re-armed me with confidence, compelling from me thefe expreffions: Mojl refpe6lful Mijlrefs, I do with JJiame confefs my felf in a great error: but if you will confider that the caufe thereof was irrefiflable ; I hope you will in fome meafure mitigate my crime. My very youthful- nejs fpeaks my Apology. You cannot be ignorant of the fervent heat of young blood, which fometimes boy Is beyond its bounds. Befides the temperature of my body, {being of a Sanguine complexion) did add much fuel to that fire. She admired to hear me fpeak in fuch a Diale6l ; but laying afide her wonder, fhe bid me tell her the whole truth, and what Contra6t we had concluded. I equivocated in my relation, intending to excufe the maids forwardnefs, and that I only defigned to Wifty Extravagant. S5 furprize her unawares. This Sophiftry of mine did not in the leaft prevent my Miftreffes prying wit, and quick underftanding, from fearching out the truth, tracing every meander, finding it out at laft, though involved in a labyrinth of obfcurities. She told me plainly fhe knew all, though I endeavoured to conceal it, and defired me, in ftead of commands, to withdraw my affectionate thoughts from her, fmce her refolution was to divorce our perfons. Adding moreover, that if I was fo amoroufly inclined, as not content without a Female Objeft to exercife my paffion on, I fhould ele<5l fuch a one, whofe merit grounded on Beauty, Birth, Wealth, and Power, fhould command my love, and finally eternize my terreftrial happinefs, and fo vanifht from me, leav- ing my cogitations to their operations. Forty five years had not totally deflroyed her beauty, but there was ftill remaining the ruines of a good face: Her Birth, though from a high extrac- tion, had little influence over me, had not her Wealth (which (he had at her own difpofal) whif- pered in my ear more than a common felicity. Her laft words left a deep impreffion on my imagination, which were not fo enigmatically delivered, but that I could eafily interpret them advantageoufly enough to my purpofe. I refolved within my felf to acqui- ^icQ., leaving this affair to time to bring it to per- fedlion. 86 TJie Englijh Rogtce: Or, wwwOwwwww w w w w w w w 9 O^OOOO CHAP. XI. Wliat devices he found out to Cheat his Majler ; and what ways he had to fpend it laviJJily, at nnfeafon- able hours, on Wine, Wenches, &c. THe time being come again, for the meeting my fnipping Brethren, I went prepared with what I could conveniently carry with me. Seeing me come well fraught, my merchants prefently clapt me aboard, refolving not to let my commodities lie long on my hands, our truck was foon agreed on to our mutual contents. Then like true Sons of Bacchus, we trouled the full boles about, wifhing him that pledged not his fellow, in a dark rainy night on a tyred Jade bare ridged in a dirty lane, with a pocky Whore behind him, and his own bones rotten, nine Miles from an houfe, not knowing one ftep of his way, nor having one penny in his pocket. This, or the like dreadful execration, made us tumble off whole Boles like fo many thimbles full. Half a dozen of thefe a piece, were a preludium to our Supper, which ufually was compofed of the choiceft viands. Neither could we eat, without our female Conforts, whom Wine and Mufick waited on. After Supper, we fell again to our old Baccha- nalian fport, drinking, Dancing, or privately treat- Witly Extravagant. 87 ing our Miftrefles at a venereal Banquet. When we had drank our felves to ebriety, and fatiated our luftful appetites, we betook our felves to our refpec- tive habitations, our Mailers not dreaming of our night-Revellings. Our own expences were neither valuable nor comparable to what our Mad-Dames put us to, which were fo great (though they made me rack my invention to fupply their pretended neceflities) that all my various endeavours could not anfwer their expe6lations. I had taken my Gentlewoman a chamber, for which I paid three fhillings a week, and upon the bare promife of a Whore, that fhe would prove conftant to me, I allowed her a weekly penfion befides ; 1 never came to receive a private favour, but I muft return her for it, fome fpecial and particular courtefie ; as a Scarf, an Hood, a Ring, a Whisk, or rich Lace for her Smock. If I failed at any time of paying my pro- mifed Tribute I fhould be fe verely checked, nay, fome- times threatned that I had undone her ; at the leaft denyed my accuftomed Familiarity ; then fhe would pretend that fhe had refufed many eminent Matches mearly for my fake, that now fhe faw her felf meerly deluded, and would endure it no longer ; and would tell my Mafter our whole proceedings. If I had performed the main, and not prefented her when I came with fome other gratuity, as a work of Supe- rerogation, fhe would deride my Courtfhip, telling me, / was an empty fellow, tJiat I bejlowed my favours on others and that made me fo fparifig to /ler. And that fhe fcorned to be a copartner in my heart. When fhe thought fhe had fufhciently nettled me, (fearing to flrain my paffion too high) then a little comply, clapping me on the cheeks, calling me Smock-face Rogue ; come hither Sirrah, 88 The Englijh Rogue : Or I know what you would have, I'le fave your long- ing. Such fweetned words foon over powered my my fournefs : and notwithftanding my intended hardnefs, I could not forbear melting in her arms. We durft not take much time in dalliance, my duty calling me home ; but I regarded not that fo much as to preferve my Mafters good opinion of me. Now fince opportunity offereth it felf fo appofitly, give me leave to lay open this fubtle Female, on whom a ftrong afcendancy of Mercury and Venus, had be- ftowed fo liberal a Talent for Whoring, and Cheat- ing, that few efcaped her circumvention that came into her company. The Relation I fhall give of this miracle of Female fubtilty, will be much advan- tagious to all forts of perfons. By this thofe that are vicioufly inclined may be advifed into a Refor- mation before they have occafion for Repentance : And they who defying all Admonifhment, and are refolved to be wicked in fpite, may out of an appre- henfion of the enfuing danger and punifhment, be deterred into caution, &c. Witty Extravagant. 89 A SHORT SURVEY OF A CUNNING WHORE. WHen firft I made my felf acquainted with her, I thought my happinefs not inferiour to the Grand Seignors, for ahhough he had in his Sera- gho the injoyment of an hundred or more of the moft fele6l beauties of the Univerfe, yet did I fan- cy all thofe external glories contrafted into one, and poffeffed my matchlefs Miftrefs. As fhe was fair, fo well featured, fprightly and young, four dange- rous advantages, when they are accompanied with Wit, Diflimulation, Craft and Impudence, with a covetous defire of injoying of what others poffeft. She could not be ignorant of her trade, fmce her Mother was a profeft Bawd from the time fhe brought her into the world. Taking notice of her extraordinary handfomnefs even from the Cradle, fhe refolved to dedicate her to the fervice of Vemis, not doubting but the bent of her nature would render her very capable of that employ. Being about thirteen years of age, her beauty was fo much taken notice of, that her lovers fwarmed about her. The old Bawd her Mother was fo o- verjoyed to fee fo large and goodly a Troop of 0^/zV/i"Lanciers, her daughters life-guard, and doubt- 90 The Englijh Rogtie : Or, ed not now but that Ihe fhould obtain the plenary fruition of her hopes, and therefore entertained them all, yet watching them fo narrowly, that none fhould tafte her fruit unlefs they bought the tree at a dear rate. She fo well obferved her daughters natural po- licy that fhe was well affured her infmuations would in a little time command both the hearts andpurfesof thofe who courted her. Her defign proved as fortu- nate as fhe could wifh, in as much as among the many that languifhed for her, there was one fo wealthy as that he never knew the want of a thoufand pound, whofe heart was inflamed by her eyes. She had now affumed the title of Madam, which one fhould think belonged to none but who are no- bly extrafled, however, why fhould fhe baulk it, fmce it is an honour cofts little or nothing, and as foon conferred as fpoken. This Gentleman was b infnared by the witchcrafts of a lovely face, that though he knew the profefTion and pra6lice of the Mother, and the daughters want of honour, ho- nefty and wealth, yet he refolved upon a marriage within few days without the tedioufnefs of Trea- ties. When there was a firm contra6l concluded between them before witneffes, the charitable Bawd his intended Mother in law, came to him, and told him if his ftomack was raw and could not ftay fo long till the meat was ferved up with the ufual ceremonies ; he fhould have a bit for a ftay, and tafte beforehand, the proportion was not unwellcome to him, where- fore he inftantly took earneft of the happinefs he vainly believed would bear him company dnra7tte vita. Not long after they had their nuptials ce- lebrated, and that he might not difparage him- felf in the worlds eye, as to his inconfiderable Witfy Extravaga7it. 91 choice ; he bought his wife at his proper charge, new cloaths, fplendid enough you may guefs, with the appendixes of gallantry, rings, jewels, &c. and fo brought her home to his houfe in much flate. She had not long lived with him, but fhe followed the di6lates of a luxurious difpofition, and a liber- tine, hating to have her liberty circumfcribed or bounded, efpecially by one fo remote to her na- ture and unfuitable in years, wherefore under pre- tence of vifiting this friend and that couzen, fhe fo blinded her old Husband by this plaufible excufe as that fhe made her frequent fallies abroad pimp for her defires. Her Husband obferving her often gaddings and profufe expences, could do no lefs then fufpe6l more then he was willing to under- ftand, and therefore not only abridged the liber- ty fhe took, but devefled her of thofe ornaments he had beftowed upon her, which fo animated her to revenge, that fhe refolved not to let flip the firft opportunity. She foon got acquainted with one fuitable to her purpofe, a perfon as much ingaged in debauchery, as his credit was in the world, yet fo pleafant he appeared in her eyes, as that a little courting made her wholly at his devotion. Hence we may obferve the dangerous confequences of difproportion of age in matching. Surely there can be no agreement between fire and water, be- tween freezing Winter, and Scorching Summer. Be- fides when aWoman comes once to have mean thoughts of her Husband (upon any account whatever) She is then in the way to affe6l any body elfe. She now not only flighted, but hated him, which made her launch out into all the exceffes that exafpera- ted, and vicious Woman-kind can imagine or con- 92 The EngliJJt Rogtie: Or, trive, from whence fhe may either derive fatisfac- tion or advantage, neither could fhe want afliftance or councel, as long as the old experienced Bawd her mother lived. This good old Dotard finding himfelf fo abufed, that the whole world muft needs call his reafon in queftion ; if he fuffered any longer his loofe wife to Career thus in Luxury and Wantonnefs, refolved within himfelf to call her to a fevere accompt, inten- ding withal to reduce her by kindnefs, as well as fharpnefs, and fo equally to temper his frowns with fmiles, that fhe fhould not tell which of thofe two ingredients were moft powerful in the efife6ling the cure of his luft fick-wanton. Returning one evening from her revels abroad, the old Cuckold took her to task ; Iharply reproving her for her Gaddings, her Tavern meetings, with de- bauched and licentious perfons ; herlavifhexpence in paying theRecknings where ever fhe came, but efpe- cially her fupplying the neceffities of lufty younger Brothers, which refupplyed hers. The old man had fo fpent his fpirits and breath, in fchooling his Leche- rous Truant, that he was forced to conclude his wormwood Le6lure in an exceffive cough ; the infe- perable Companion of him and Age. My buckfome Madam fearing he was ftreining for more of that unpleafmg ftuff, which had fo lately offended her ears, left him half ftrangled with a Tyfick. In this Interval, a female Neighbour of his came in, a Gentlewoman of that worth ; that Virtue and Gentility contended in her for priority : How is it I pray Sir (faid fhe) / am much troubled to fee you in this condition ? You lie, you lie, you Whore (faid he) his ears being fo furd by Time, that he WtUj/ Extravagant 93 could not diflinguifh this Gentlewomans voice from his Wifes, neither could he fee, his violent coughing having forced down fuch a torrent of moifture into his eyes ; that his fight was totally drowned : Con- tinuing his railing; See me in this condition? I be- lieve you would be glad to fee me out of it, you Strumpet, Lump of Lechery, Cheat, fhe Devil, what fhall I call thee; there is no name too bad: And then cought again fo violently, that it was in vain to fpeak to him ; but when this violent fit abated, fhe refolved to fay fomething, though her amazment to hear what fhe neither deferved, nor expe6led, would hardly give her permiffion. At laft fhe fpake to him, and reafoned with him, why he fhould thus ftain her honour which was hitherto fpotlefs, undefiled ; that her aftions had ever been fo far from rendring her, what he unworthily reprefented, that they made her famous, and lookt on as a good example for her Neighbours to follow and immitate. I, I; infamous you mean (faid he) and let me alone to make you fuch an example, that you fhall have followers e- nough to fee you Carted, you Bitch whore. Why, who am I faid the Gentlewoman, that you thus a- bufe me? Am I, (faid he) you are Touch-wood, Tinder, Salt peter. Gunpowder, Wildfire, nay, worfe then all this, my Wife. By this the Gentlewoman verily concluded him to be mad, and fearing leafl his frenzie might be converted into fury, was thinking to flip from him juft as his cough left him, and his eyes again reftored to him, with the infight of his miftake ; which made him much condemn his fallacious age, that had put this trick on him. Apologies (as many as this old mans fterile in- 94 The EiigliJJi Rogue : Or, vention could frame) were not wanting to excufe this abfurdity and errour: Neither was his Wife without the height of mirth behind the Hangings, to hear how much her doting fool was miflaken ; who had not patience any longer to difcourfe his Vifitant, but abruptly left her in quefl of his abufed Wife as he now fuppofed, imagining from this grand miflake, that what ever before he had either feen or heard of his wife, was nothing but the genuine produ6l of his own idle and jealous brain. After he had made a flrift enquiry through the whole houfe for his wife, he at length found her out cloif- tered in a Garret, into which fhe had conveyed her felf coming foftly behind the Hangings, wherein fhe had hid herfelf; and the better to colour her in- tended Villany, hearing her Husband afcend the Stairs, fhe put her felf into a praying pofture. The old man feeing her on her knees, had like to have broke his neck for haft, not minding fo much the difturbance he would give her (pretended) de- votion, as the fatisfa6tion he injoyed to fee his mif- take confirmed. Being out of breath, his difcourfe was abrupt and broken, neither did he know which was moft expedient, either firft to queftion her, or crave her pardon: at length he threw himfelf at her feet (for indeed he could hardly ftand upon his feeble Legs;) and hanging down his Head (I knew not whether he cried) a fait Rhume gufhed through the port holes of his Head, which looked like fcal- ding Teares; and fo they might be, for by their burning heat, any might conclude the lofs of the hair of his Eyelids, and that thereby the fhriveled skin of his Countenance was parcht. It was a long time ere he could fpeak, and no wonder, fmce this Witiy Extravagafit. 95" was the fecond time of his Infancy; but at length with much ado, with a look as pittiful as his Rhe- torick, he asked forgivnefs. She feemed ftrangly furprized and not only wondred at, but taxt him for the Irrationality of his Petition. The pretence of her ignorance in what had paft, made him the more eager to difcover his ridiculous folly. In fhort, he gave her to underftand, that fmce he was miftaken in a thing fo palpable, he might very well queftion whither all former reports, and his own evil opi- nion of her, might not be pofited on the fame bafis of falfhood. That for the time to come, he would never admit of jealoufie within his breaft, and to give a full confirmation to what he protefted; he inftantly delivered her his Keys, committing to her trufl what he had of greateft value. This cunning Quean would not accept this kind proffer, but with much preffmg, and then fealing his pardon with a kifs, an everlafting affe6lion was feemingly agreed upon. For two or three months after (he behaved her felf fo well, that had her Husband had Argus his hundred eyes, he could not perceive any thing that might blemifh her Reputa- tion, or trouble his head. Her Cue being come to enter and a6l her part on the Stage of deceit, Ihe appeared and managed her bufinefs to the purpofe. For having given her Mo- ther a Catalogue of thofe rich things fhe had in her poffeffion; fhe never left her daughter till they had conveyed all away which might be carried in the day time without any notice taken ; and at an appointed night getting the Servants to bed and delivering the Key of the ftreet-door to the old Bawd her Mother, fhe played the part of a Woman 96 The Englijh Rogue'. Or, in general, by lulling her Husband in bed by diffi- mulation and flattery, into a fond opinion of her cor- diality to him, whilft her agents then were leaving him as naked of goods, as he was at that time of Ap- parel. In the morning fhe arofe by times, before the old man was ftiring, and went inftantly to her mother who had provided her lodgings. Then did fhe change her name to hinder dete6lion ; and that fhe might add to her fecurity, fhe never went abroad but with her Vizard Mask, and in as many varietys of Suits as there are months in the year, which though but thirteen, yet did fhe make them ring as many changes as BOW BELLS. Not long after fhe had played this exploit, it was myunhappinefs to be acquainted with her, bycoming accidentally to our Shop, where buying fome wares, it was fo ordered that I muft bring them to her Chamber. According to the time appointed I waited on her, but found myfelf extremely miftaken in my Chapwoman. For inftead of paying me for my commodity, fhe would have truckt with me Ware for Ware ; which I would no ways affent to ; finding me no fit perfon for her purpofe, fhe dif- mift me by difcharging the debt. This paffage did fo run in my mind, that I could not be at quiet till I had purpofed a time to vifit her, and indeed I was forceably prickt on thereunto by thofe matchlefs features I law in her incomparable face. My Maf- ter riding out of Town I found a very fit opportu- nity to make my addrefs to her, which I thought would be the more welcome by bringing a prefent with me. Her memorie was fo good that fhe knew me a- gain and fhrewdly gueffed at my Errant, and indeed I was not long in the difcovery thereof: There were WiUy Extravagant. 97 but two words to a bargain, and fo ftruck up the bufmefs : So much dehght I took in her at that time, and (he in me, that we interchangably pro- mifed each others conftancy of affe6lion. Mine and my females extravagancies, made me invent as many ways to cheat, as we had ways to fpend what was this way gotten. If I had heard any friend fay, they muft buy a Gown, I had my Mercer ready for that purpofe : If a Suit and Cloak, my Draper, and the like ; fometimes telling my friend. That I was acquainted with one that would fell me a far cheaper pennyworth than any one elfe : other times, that fuch an one owed me fome moneys, and that this way I could both pleafure my friend, and hedge in mine own debt. Though I drove a great trade this way, receiving ftill ready cafh, yet this would not do alone. As an afliftance, I guelded the money-box every day, receiving my part firft, before my Mafler fhould take his, which ufually he did every night, putting it into his Till. I could not fleep for thinking how I might be inti- mately acquainted with the inwards of this fame Till. Several proje6ls I made tryal of, but none fuited my purpofe fo well, as a Barbers pair of Cur- ling irons. I got a File from a Smith, and to work I went with my Curling irons, filing them to flip in eafily, and to turn round. The firft Effay I made thereof, had like to have put me into an Extafie for joy. I laid them upon their edge, opened them wide, I pinched the money below ; holding faft, I turned them on their fide, and fo drew up the money to the mouth of the Scotch: now becaufe there was many times fo much, that it would not come through, with H 98 The EngliJJi Rogue : Or, a knife I would Aide away piece after piece, till I had fitted the money to the narrownefs of the paf- fage. I feldom brought up at a time lefs than three fhillings, a good draught, not ceafmg till I had gotten twenty or thirty Ihillings at a time, or more, according to the quantity of the ftock. Find- ing my Engine a6l according to my defires, I could not be content without congratulating my fuccefs, My Mafter was feldom at home, wherefore I askt my Miftrefs to go out for an hour, promifmg her not to flay beyond my limited time: She confented, and I overjoyed, pickt up a Rambler or two, and away we went to honeft Ralph. Being glad to fee us, he planted us in a convenient room jfit for his purpofe. There was never a Pint he fcored at the Bar, but he had a Quart-Bottle in his Breeches for it. They all wondred to fee me fo frollick, but I thought it wif- dom to conceal the depth of my pra6lice from them. After we had drank very fmartly, I came home, tranfgrefling but a little beyond my time. My Mift- refs was very well pleafed, telling me, I Jhoidd have leave another time, fmce I was fo pun6lual. Thofe Bottles of Sack we drank, ran perpetually in my minde, for it was the very flower of Wine. In the commemoration of my Friends courtefie, and the goodnefs of that Liquor, I gave my contemplative fancy leave to charafterize a Bottle of Canary, thus. IVtUf Extravagant. 99 AAAAAaA aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa v^(^^v^v^^^ <^ v^ (^^O^^*^^^^**^ <^ v^ vi^ *<:^ v:?^ ^ THE CHARACTER OF A Bottle of Canary, HE is Gentleman I allure you well extra6led> which once lived like a Salamander in the midft of the flames ; and had he not been burnt, he have never proved found. He feems a Prodigy : For that which we live by, decays him ; hating Air, as Bacchus hates fmall Beer. He will lie ftill if you fmother him, and is never fo well, as when his breath is ftopt. Bury him, and you make him quicker. As for his habit, it is ever plain, yet neat : Though No- bly born, he fcorns not to wear a green Coat, with a badge on it ; and you cannot injure him worfc than to pick a hole in his Coat. Though he wears for the moft part one foi t of Garb, yet he is never out of fafhion, acceptable to the beft of company, not regarding his outward drefs, but valuing his in- ward worth : However, his Suit is made of admi- rable Stuff, for his outfide never grows barer, and liis Linings are the frefher for wearing. So choice he is in his Cloathing, that he rather chufeth to have his brains knockt out, than to have a rent in liis Garment. He wears an a la mode Hat, as light (and almoft as little) as a Shittle-cock, which he puts off to none ; but like the Quaker when brought before a Magiftrate, hath it taken off for him. As for his Pedegree, I now not how to derive it ; for he hath had In him the bcft and purcft of H 2 lOO The Englijh Rogue: Or, the French blood, but will now acknowledge his Race onely from the Spaniard^ whom he imitates, being ftately, and ftanding always upright ; treads for the moft part on Carpets, and never ftirs abroad but when he is carried, yet full of aftivity. If he runs faft and long, the more wind he gets. If he chance to fall, which is feldom, for many look to him, he will be extreamly moved, yet (contrary to all men) the fuller his belly is, the lefs hurt he re- ceives : his credit is large, never paying for what he wears, running on the fcore perpetually ; his conditions are a riddle, there is in him pure vertue, and notorious vice ; the quinteffence of love, and the venome of hatred. He is the beginning and the end of a thoufand quarrels in a year, yet a very Coward ; for he fuffers any to take him by the ear, and never broke any ones pate, but when company was by. He is very facetious in fociety, and will fpend himfelf freely to the laft drop, if a Ladies foft and warm hand will raife him. He is a brisk Spark, and therefore Courtiers adore him ; he is fmooth in his expreffion, and there- fore Ladies delight in him ; he is filled with nimble fancies, therefore the Wits frequent him, exhauft- ing his radical moifture, to difbil it into Poetical Raptures ; for conceits never run fafler from the Limbick of their brains, than when this Gentle- man adds fuel to the Furnace. He whets wit, yet dulls it ; creates new Fancies, and ftupifies. Gives the Orator a fluent tongue, and makes him fpeechlefs. Gives a Poet feet till he cannot go. And as he helps Minifbers to preach, fo he likewife filenceth more than the Spanifh Inqui- fition. He hath a great many tricks in him : He H 3 Wttty Extravagant. loi will make a Faulkner fly high within doors; Make a Huntfman catch a Fox by the fire-fide^ Whatever he holds, is made good ; and unlefs you mind him well, much good matter that falls from him, may be loft : for he is often fluent be- yond meafure. All Tongues court him ; and thofe that look narrowly unto him, fhall find him no dry Fellow. The truth is, he is too profound for fhallow brains to meddle with him : He will pour out quaint expreflions and hard words fo thick, that the beft Scholars are glad at laft to give him fomething to ftop his mouth : Yet hold him up fairly, and you may get all he hath out of him. He is exceflively beloved, and reliflies all Company, being pleafant, and full of admirable humours. He is inwardly acquainted with the Lord Mayor and Aldermen, and incorporateth with their Wives daily. His Kiffes are fo fweet, that they lick their lips after him ; and though his breath be flirong, yet it is not offenfive. He is a true Good-fellow, drinking till he hath no eyes to fee with : Good Liquor is his Life and Soul, and he is never mufty but for want of it. He will drink till he be filled up to the very throat, and gape whilft others put it in. He will bear as much Sack as any man in England of his bulk ; yet he will be foon drunk in Company. But if you will give him leave to vomit, he will take his Liquor and drink frefh, till all the Company be forced to leave him. Drinking is his hourly ex- ercife, feldom lying out of a Tavern, Hs is the main Upholder of Club-meetings, without fear of being broke. He picks mens pockets, yet is never made more reckoning of than by fuch perfons. As for his Eftate, I can onely fay 102 The EngliPi Rogue: Or, this, That all he hath he carries about him ; yet generally he is reputed rich : What he hath, he holds upon courtefie ; but what he gives others, is held in Capite. What he poffeffeth, is commonly upon Sale ; yet more for plenty, than for want ; and if you can purchafe him you purchafe all. I could never endure Idlenefs, I was ever in a6lion ; either writing, or contriving, or putting in execution my contrivances ; I thought it better male agere qua^n nihil agere : my brains or hands were continually working, and very feldom but effeftually. My pen was generally fo happy in dif- coveries, that my wit was much applauded by the moft cenforious : much refpe6led I was, & my com- pany much importuned by the Tankerd-bearers of Helicon, by which means I fo fwelled with pride, that I thought my felf little inferior to Apollo. I called Mercury Pimp, the nine Sifters Whores, whom I had frequently layn with, and might when I pleafed : the beft title I could beftow on Pegafus was Hackny-Jade. In the height of this my opi- nionativenefs, my Cooler (our Mafters maid) came to me where I was alone ; and after many heart- fetcht fighs, told me fhe found her felf with child ; which news had like to have deprived me of my underftanding : but knowing that Vexation never remedies but rather adds to trouble, I was refolved to bear it patiently, and ftudy fome means to pre- ferve her and my Credit. I framed a Letter as from her Father, defiring her to come down into the Country fpeedily, if fhe intended to fee him alive ; and according as we had laid the Plot, fhe fhews it her Miftrefs, defiring her leave to fhew her IVtUj/ Extravagant. 103 duty to her dying Father. Our Miftrefs mofl willingly confented thereunto, as knowing that there was more than ordinary love between us ; the maid had ftaid as long as poflibly Ihe might without dif- covery, Lacing her felf very ftreight, and keeping down her belly with three Busks : but now (he made hafte 10 rub off: I had provided a Midwife that fhould be her Bawd too : but this could not be done without extraordinary coft. After her Delivery, I found the keeping of her and the Child very ex- penfive : then did I begin to confider what a vaft charge, and how many various troubles this momen- tary lecherous pleafure draws upon a man : how furioufly he is upon the onfet, and how quickly fatisfied, loathing that Obje6l he a little before longed for. Well, I bethought my felf how to be rid both of Cow and Calf I told her I would get together what moneys I could, and fo marry her, upon condition fhe would be willing to travel with me whither I went, which I knew was her onely de- fire : I informed her of my intention to go for Vir- ginia ; and the reafons that induced me thereunto. Firft, her difgrace would not be known there : Next, my Mafter could have no power over me, in- fifting further on the pleafantnefs of that Continent, and the plenty of every thing, &c. She affented to all I propounded, relying her felf folely on me, to difpofe of her as I pleafed. To palliate my defign, I went with her to Grave/end, pretending as if I was then going with her beyond Sea, for no other end but to clear my felf from her there, knowing that after fhe had pafl examination or fearch of the Block-houfe, fhe would meet with no more. Being aboard, I fuddenly feemed to have forgot fomcthing afhore ; having well 104 I'J^^ EngliJJi Rogue : Or, laid my Plot upon the Bafis of a good Sum of money I had diftributed among the Sea-men, with a confiderable prefent to the Mafter, and telling my Landahris I would return to her inftantly, I got into the Boat ; and immediately after the Ship weighed Anchor, and quickly was under Sail. I confefs, notwithftanding the Devil had at that time the total poffeffion of me ; yet I was much trou- bled at what I had done fo hard-heartedly and cruelly. A flood of tears had fo overwhelmed my fight, that I could not difcern the Ship in which fhe was : fo fenfible I was of the wickednefs of this Fa6l, that Dido-\(k.Q^, I could have thrown my felf into the Sea after her, had not a good Woman, whofe Husband was in the fame Ship, prevented me. Obferving my tears, ^Tis probable, Yotmg Man, (faid fhe) you have lately taken your leave of fome dearly beloved Friend ; and I guefs, by your earnejl looking after yond Ship under fail, the perfon was in her. I told her it was truth. My Husband is in the fame Veffel, (faid fhe) and therefore I have as much caufe to grieve as you. Come, be of good comfort, Man, Friends mjifi part ; and it is better to part here than at the Gallows. Go along with me, and we will wafh down forrow ; and with a Glafs of neat Canary, antidote our hearts againfi any thing that may diflurb them. With that I lookt intentively in her face, and found it correfpondent with a jolly temper. An Eye black and piercing ; and Eye-brows black alfo, and each as big as a mans thumb comparatively : a fign that never fails to denote that Woman capable of giving a man the greateft delegation. She was every way compleatly handfome, and fuitable to the defires of the moft curious Critick in Love-affairs. Witty Extravagant. 105 I thought it a fhame to deny fo kind a proffer, and a crime in Youth unpardonable not to embrace that opportunity, that fhall lead him by the hand into Venus her Bed-chamber. With that I addreft my felf to her, (and afterwards undreft together) de- claring that the force of her Rhetorick, affifted by her external beautiful, and altogether lovely form, had forced me to forget my onely dearly beloved fhe-friend, and to become her Profelyte, her abfo- lutely devoted convert, and would proftrate my will to be guided by hers and her command. With that we concluded to folace ourfelves at the next Ta- vern : I applied my felf to my old way of infmua- tion : which foon melted her, fo that I faw I might when I pleafed ftamp loves impreffion on her. Re- turning to Grave/end, we foon lodged our felves con- veniently for our intended purpofe : having fo done, I fo ordered the matter, that there was not anything wanting that might pleafe our fences. Yet fearing left her love fhould cool again, there was no Art for- gotten that might ferve to entertain it. Delays in love-affairs are dangerous : Women love not to be too long Tantalized ; there is a certain critical time to know their inclination ; which if you pun6lually obferve, you fhall affuredly reap the fruits of your defires ; if not, you may perpetually wait, but never enjoy the like opportunity. Wherefore the Iron glowing hot, I thought good to ftrike : to enliven my fpirits, fhe fent for a noife of Mufick, ordering them to play in the next Room. And in the end we began to think of fome repofe, agreeing before to lie in two Chambers contiguous to each other ; which were accordingly provided. As foon as I thought all the Houfhold were in bed, I repaired to my Miftrefs, who eagerly expe6led my coming ; Io6 The Englijh Rogue : Or, approaching the bed-fide, fhe clafped me in her arms : As foon as day broke, I arofe, befpeaking a fat Capon fwaddled with Saffages, and a Quart of Buttered Sack. I got all ready by the time of her rifing : fhe was extraordinarily well pleafed in my double dilHgence of ferving her : having applauded my indufbry and care of her, we fell to it, interlin- ing every bit with^a Glafs of Canary. She told me fl-ie would never part whilft flie had a penny left, having about her fome Thirty Pieces of Gold. Well (faid I) inyDear,Jince it is thy refolutio7t,a match; but let me be Steward: Which fhe agreed unto, delivering into my hands what Gold fhe had. For two or three hours I fhewed my felf very officious in my place ; but confidering that when this money was fpent, we fhould not know what to do, I thought it was better for one to want than two ; befides, I had lately fur- feited on a Medler, and therefore my Ilomack nau- feated the very thoughts thereof I had feed the Drawer to bring me word jufb as the Grave/end Barge was going off ; which accordingly he did, by a private fign concluded betwixt us. I then pre- tended an excufe to go down, under the notion of providing fomething novel, which fhould be condu- cible to our mirth and jollity. I had juft fo much time below to write her thefe lines in ftead of a folemn leave taking, leaving them with the Drawer to pre- fent her, and fo went aboard the Barge for London. Madam, Fm gone, no wonder, for yoii know, Lovers encounters are but touch and go. Arriving at Billings- gate, I went ftraight to a Ta- vern, where I had an intereft with the Drawer, re- folving there to confult ferioufly with my felf what Witty Extravagant. 107 courfe to follow, being as yet unrefolved what to do. After I had raffed my dulled fpirits with a a glafs or two, I concluded to hazard my Mafters good opinion, nay, and & my Miftreffes afre6lion too ; which though at that prefent it only fmoaked, I might eafily divine, that in procefs of time it would burft forth into a flame. Being before con- fined to my Mafters time, I began to confider what an excellent thing Liberty was, equally efti- mablewith Health; which two, though they are the greateft and moft precious gifts (next our Redemp- tion) the Creator of the World hath beftowed on mankind ; yet we poor mortals value them not till we are fenfible of their want, by being deprived of them. This is an infallible maxime, That the depri- vation of a thing JJiall be Jo imich the more evil, as the pojjefjion thereof is good. Now if Liberty be fuch an excellent & delegable thing when enjoyed, how miferable are thofe that want it .* Having moneys in my Pocket, I concluded to experiment the enjoyment thereof, and to partici- pate of fuch delights the nature of young men is moft inclinable to. Now man being a fociable Creature, I thought I fhould reap but little fatis- fa6lion to my felf in the expence of my moneys, without an Affociate: Wherefore I fent to an Ap- prentice of my intimate acquaintance contemporary with me, and who had often prompted me to ram- ble with him. This Lad was his Mafters Cafheer, which I knew would much affift my defign. I made him acquainted with my intention of trying the world : Though it had been formerly his own mo- tion, yet he feemed at the firft fomething ftartled ; but all his doubts I refolved ; adding moreover, That to have our wills inflaved to other mens, was io8 The Englijh Rogue \ Or, a thing infupportable, fince that we were, as well as they, created free Denizens of this world. That fince our great Grand-Father was Emperor of the whole world, we could not ftile our felves lefs than Princes, and therefore debafed our Birth by a volun- tary fubmiffion to Service and Slavery. I had no great occafion to make ufe of many Arguments to this purpofe ; for his own inclination was fufhcient toperfwade him. Therefult of our difcourfe was a firm refolution to become two Knights-errant. I advifed him forthwith to go home and bring with him what Cafh he had in his poffeffion ; which he readily performed, and indeed more then I could expe6l, being 200/. the Fates having fo decreed to favour this our firft bold exploit, as a tryal of what we durft attempt. Witty Extravagant. 109 CHAR XII. How he frequented Baivdy-hoiifes ; what exploits he committed in them ; tJie Chara6ler of a Baivd, a Whore, a Pimp, and a Trapan ; their m.anner of living ; with a Detection of their wicked lives and Converfations. BEing full fraught with money, we undertook our Progrefs, promifing to our felves all delight imaginable, but not confidering what the effe6t would be. We frequented all places of pleafure, but among the chief we ranked Brothel-houfes, which were our Repofitories. We feldom were feen in the Streets by day, for fear of difcovery ; confining our felves clofe Prifoners to fome Biibbing-hojife ; at night (like fuch as clofely delighted in deeds of darknefs) we would fometimes flutter abroad. Our paftime was to hire Coaches to any pretended place, and when we came near it, to make our efcape. One time leaping out of the Boot, my Cl9ak chanced to tangle in the fpokes of the Wheel: the Coachman not perceiving we were got out, drove on ; by the wheels continually turning, my Garment was fo ingaged,that I verily believed my fins had now conferred upon me the jufl punifhment of being executed on the wheel, which I could hardly have avoided, had I not fpeedily unbuttoned my Cloak : I was loath to bid the Coachman ftop, thinking I fhould h^ve it at laft ; I ran Lacquy-like a long way, but all ftiy endeavours to fhift it, proved ineffe6lual ; fo that at length I was forced to cry 1 10 TJie Englifli Rogiie : Or, out, Hold Coachman. The Coachman coming out of his Box, foon perceived the fallacy, and ftraight- ways demanded his money for his hire, before he would untangle my Cloak, which I was compelled to give him. Delivering me my Cloak, he told me, / had paid him, but he had not paid me for my attendance on him: And faid moreover, TJiat my Cloak would not look like a Livery, tmlefs it ivcre laced; and with that, with his whip, lajhed me zvell- favouredly. Another fort of Paftime we ufed, was to kick the old Watchmens Lanthorns about the ftreet ; and it may be fometimes confer a blow or two on their fleepy noddles, and then flie for it, but we had worfe fuccefs with this than the former. We pra6lifed this foolery fo often, till at length we were met with, and rightly ferved. It was thus : In Paternojier-row, we found a fellow at noddie upon a ftall, with his Lanthorn and Candle by him ; having firfl feized on that, and thrown it into the Kennel, we profecuted our abufe by falling upon him, and beating him. As foon as we had done this manful a6l, we betook our felves to flight ; but here we miftook our mark, thinking him to be an old decrepid Watchman, and one that had little ufe of his eyes, without thofe in his Pocket ; where- as to our coft, we found him as nimble and as light footed as a Stag, who overtaking us, furprized us ; and as he was carrying us before the Conftable, we met with the grand Round, who, without much examination, committed us as Rats to the Counter. The chiefefl thing that troubled us, was the appre- henfion of our Mafters knowing where we were. But we refolved to drown that care : we had not been there long, before other Rats, Male and Fe- Wi^ty Extravagant. 1 1 1 male, were brought in to bear us company. Some of the men were all bloody, and their Mobs Scarfs and Hoods all rent, and none of them fober: Dam- ming and Sinking were the conftant flourifhes of their difcourfe; calling for drink was the Argument they held, and roaring in diftrafted notes was their Harmony. Though I was my felf comparatively wicked, yet I bleffed my God I had not arrived to that height thefe fuperlative Villains had attained to. Being in their company, I thought myfelf in the Suburbs, or on the confines of Hell. Sin, if it be dreffed up in fpecious pretences, may be enter- tained as a Companion ; but when it appears in its own fhape, it cannot but flrike horror into the Soul of any, though defperate, if not ftupified. Where- fore me thought I was fo far from affociating my felf with them, that I proteft, the leudnefs of their A6lions were fo reprefented to me with fuch deformity, that I knew not which I loathed moft, them or the Prifon. I cannot make appear to the world what they were, nor my refentments, unlefs I fhould ftuff a page or two with all manner of horrid Oaths, Ex- ecrations, Blafphemies and fuch like foul-infe6ting & deftroying Plague-fores ; wherefore I fhall onely take leave to anatomize the Place that deteined us from our freedom. Then look upon a Prifon as in it felf, and it may be fitly termed a temporary Hell. For as the other is a receptacle for damned Souls, the Gates thereof ftanding always wide open ; fo this refufeth the reception of none, though never fo wicked a mifcreant. Though my durance in this place was but fhort, yet I could not but take fome obfervations, imploying from thence the faculties of my Soul to draw up the definition of a Prifon. Hell 112 The Engli/h Rogue. Or, is a very proper denomination for it, fince it is a place compofed of nothing but diforder and confu- fion ; a Land of darknefs, inhabited by calamity, horror, mifery, and confufion ; a bottomlefs Pit of fraud, violence and ftench. A Prifon is the Banifh- ment of Courtefie, the Centre of Infamy and Dif- paragement, the Deftru6lion of good Wits, the Treafure of Defpair, the Fining-Pot of Friend- fhip, a Den of Deceivers, a Foreft of Ravenous Beafts. Here you may fee one Weeping, another fmging ; one Sleeping, another Swearing ; every one varioufly imployed ; one Eating in a corner, and another Piffing juft by him ; another Lowfmg him- felf between both ; it may be heretofore a military man, and therefore loath to forget his Art, but rather exercifmg it in the killing of his bodily Enemies, bearing the blood on his nail, as the Trophies of his Vi6lory. It is, to fpeak mofl properly, a living Tomb or grave to bury men alive in, wherein a man for half a years experience may learn more Law, then he can in three Terms for an hundred pound. It is a little Wood of woe, a Map of mifery, a place that will learn a young man more villany, if he be apt to take it, in fix months, than at twen- ty Gaming Ordinaries, Bowling-Allies, or Bawdy- houfes ; and an old man more policy, than if he had been Pupil to Machiavel. This Place hath more difeafes predominant in it than the Peft-houfe in a Plague-time ; and flinks worfe than my Lord Mayors Dog-houfe. It is a little Common-wealth, although little wealth common there ; it is a defart, where defert lies hood-winkt. Wiity Extravagant. 113 The Place is as intricate as Rofamond's Laby- rinth, and is fo full of Meanders and Crooked turn- ings, that it is impoflible to find the way out, ex- cept he be dire6led by a Silver Clue ; and can never overcome the Minotaur, without a Golden-ball to work his own fafety. The next day, paying our Fees, and receiving fome checks, with good admo- nitions from the Juftice, we were difcharged. This misfortune made us not a jot more cautious, but as foon as we were at liberty, we went upon the fent to mother Cr. formerly famous for the Good Citi- zens Wives that frequented her houfe ; who ftill rides Admiral of all the reft of her funftion about the Town. I hope the next time I go to vifit her, fhe will not get me clapt for the pains I take in praifmg her. The truth of it is, of all the Bawds I know, fhe merits moft, having an houfe fit for the accommodation of the beft. As for her walking Utenfils, they are compofed of refined mettal, always neatly kept ; which, becaufe they are not ufed upon all flight occafions, they appear the more delegable to the eye. Affoon as we had entered the door, I could hear a ruffling of Silks in fundry places ; I conceive it was their policy, by feeming modefty to fet a fliarper edge on our appetites. We were con- duced into a large handfome Room ; bottles of Wine were brought up, both Spanifh and French, with fait meats to relifli the Palate, though we gave no order for them ; but it feems it was the Cuftom of the houfe, a chargeable one : but without a Piece fpending, you fhall know little of their praftices. At length, up came the old Matron ; after the per- formance of our Devoir, fhe feats her lelf by me, and began to be impudently acquainted, chucking 114 1^ EngliJJi Rogiie: Or, me under the chin, calling me her Son Smock-face. Having well warmed our felves with Wine, and the good Gentlewoman perceiving that our bloods began to heat, Well, faid Ihe, / guefs at the intent of yonr coming hither, neither fhall you go away unfatisfied. Nature will have its courfe ; and if in Youth it be fiopt, it will but. Torrent-like, flow with the greater im,- petuofity. Come, I fee by your countenances that ye tvere born fons of mirth and pleafure ; fJiew then what flock ye ca'tne of. If you want Subjects to exercife your parts on, we^ll have more Wine ; and when ye are inflamed, ye fhall have the benefit of a Cooler. With that fhe leaves us ; but another of the fame Sex, though three degrees different in age, fupplied her place. At firft view I feemed very well pleafed : handfome (he was, and very proportionable; but withal fo impudent, that I was antidoted againft lechery. Ifla foemina quce limites verecundice femel excefferit, oportet illam effe ^raviter impudentem.. If once a woman pafs the bounds of Shamefac'dnefs, Ihe will feldome ftop till fhe hath arrived to the heighth of Impudence, I muft needs deal ingeni- oufly, at the beginning the Needle of my Microcofm was toucht by Loves Loadftone. But upon further acquaintance, if I might have had a hundred pounds, I could not have meddled with her. Though fhe had baited her defires with a million of proftitute countenances and enticements, yet I lookt upon her rather a Companion for an Hof- pital, and ftood more in need of a Chyrurgions ac- quaintance than mine. My Friend had nibbled at the bait ; but when I heard them capitulating about the price, I thought fhe wanted a Fee for the Do6lor. Well, had fhe not over-traded, fhe had WiUy Extravagant. 115 not broke fo foon ; for her trade is oppofite to all others : for fhe did fet up without credit, and her too much cuflome undid her ; and fo let her go, without either Ihame, or hope of repen- tance. We defired to fee another : 'Tis variety that Man chiefly takes delight in : One conftant fort of Food, without participating of any other, though Manna, will caufe the ftomack to long for the Flefh-pots : Neither can the crime be greater in the enjoyment of diverfe perfons then one alone, provided Matri- mony make not the a6l Legitimate. I do not ap- prove of thefe confequent lines tending to this pur- pofe ; yet give me leave to infert them, that you may underfland how vicioufly minded fome are in this frothy age. Born under fome ill Planet, or accurji, Is he that loves one Jingle Whore ; Who with one draught can always quench his thirji, Tfd to one Mijirefs, and no more. This naufeating thing being removed, up came one of Venus her chief Darlings ; excellent Flefli ! and fhe her felf the Cook that dreft it, fpending moft of her day-time about it, that flie might with the better appetite be tafted at night. Finding no ex- ceptions in this, I was impatient till I had confum- mated my defires : withdrawing into another room, to heighten my thoughts, fhe declared to me her birth and Education ; that as the one was well extracted, the other had occafioned much coft and expence. That for her part, fhe affociated ii6 The Englijh Rogue-. Or, with none but perfons of quality, whofe long pa- tience and intreatments firft procured a familiarity, and in fine, freedom in the exercife of love-affairs : and fo would have (feemingly) put me off upon this fcore, that it was not ufual for her to admit of any to her imbraces, but fuch whofe long acquaintance had gained her affe6lion, I offered her a Crown, which fhe refufed with indignation ; telling me, that fhe was not yet reduced to fo low a condition, as to become fo poor a Mercenary Proftitute. At laft, with much perfwafion, I faftned on her an half piece ; and fo flriving with her, (fhe onely feeming averfe) I accomplifht my ends. And prefently in came a fellow, whofe very face would have enlight- ned the room, though in the darkeft night ; for in- deed it appeared to me a blazing Comet, and his Nofe (for miraculoufly he had preferved it) was the brufhy Tail Laying his hand on his fword, he looked fiercer then a Spanijh Don infulting over an Indian Slave. The bulk of his body began to heave like an Earth-quake, whilft his mouth, ^/<2- like, belcht out all manner of Sulphurous Oaths, which roared fo loud, as if his belly had contained a barrel of Gun-powder, and the Linftock of his Nofe had fired it. His courteous Salutation to me, was. How darejl thou, Son of a Whore, prefume in this nature to dijhonour me, in the abujing of my Wife, without the expectation of an immediate annihilation or dijjipation into A tomes ? But I have fomething here jhall tame thy info le nee ; and now I am refolved to fet thy blood abroach. With that he feemed to make a pafs at me : Now I, imagin- ing that he really intended to do what he pre- tended, for the fafeguard of my Life, I took up a WiUy Extravagant. 117 Joynt-ftool, and received his point in the feat ; and following it home, tumbled him down the flairs ; and not being able to recover my felf, fell with him. My Comrade came running down at the noife to afllft me ; but he feeing me rather make ufe of my heels then hands, followed my example, and fo built a Sconce, leaving the old Bawd to con- dole her great lofs ; for the Reckoning was very confiderable. Now becaufe I have often met with thefe He6lors or Trepanning Villains, I think it will not be un- fuitable to this prefent Difcourfe, to infert their Chara6ler. ii8 The Englijh Rogue'. Or The CHARACTER OF An HECTOR or TRAP AN. ABawdy-houfe is his Cloyfter, where he con- ftantly fays his Mattins. He is an Whores Prote6lor, pretending himfelf more valiant then any of the antient Heroes, thereby thinking to take off the fufpition of a Coward from himfelf : For the opinion of Valour, is a good proteftion to thofe that dare not ufe it. His frequent drawing his Sword upon any flight occafion, makes the ig- norant fuppofe him Valiant; whereas he durfl not do it, but when he is confident no danger will enfue thereon. He never fbrikes any, but fuch he is fure will not return his blows. In Company he is wonderful exceptions and cholerick, thinking in the fray fome booty may be obtained : but his wrath never fwells higher then when men are loth to give him any occafion : but the onely way to pacifie him, Is to beat him foundly. The hotter you grow, the milder he is, protefting he always honoured you. The more you abufe him, the more he feems to love you : if he chance to be quarrel- fome, you may threaten him into a quiet temper. Witty Extravagant. 119 Every man is his Mafler that dares beat him ; and every one dares that knows him ; and he that dares do this, is the onely man can do much with him. Yet if he knows a Coward, he will purpofely fall out with him, to get Courtefies from him, and fo be bribed into a reconcilement. Yet I cannot fay but that he may fight, (if with great advan- tage) being fo accuftomed to the fight of drawn Swords, which probably may infufe fomething of a conceit into him ; which he fo magnifies by his own good opinion, that he would have people believe that the Mole-hill of his Prowefs is no lefs then a Mountain. This little he hath, he is no Niggard in difplaying; refembling fome Apothe- caries Shops, full of Pots, though little con- tained in them. His Eftate lies in Contrivancies ; and though other Landlords have but four Quar- ter-days, he hath three hundred fixty and odd to receive the fruits of his Stratagems. He is well skilled in Cards and Dice, which help him to cheat young Gulls newly come to Town ; and the reafon he ufually gives for it, is, A Woodcock mtiji be pluckt ere he be drejl. If that will not do, he carries him to one of his Miflreffes, and fo both joyn to plume this Fowl : if there be not ready money to anfwer expe6lation, a Bond of confi- derable value fhall ferve turn, attefled by two fhall fwear any thing for half a Crown. No man I puts his brain to more ufe then he ; for his life is a daily invention, and each meal a meer flratagem. He hath an excellent memory for his acquain- tance; if there ever paft but an How do you? be- tween him and another, it fhall ferve feven years hence for an embrace, and that for money. Out 1 20 The Englifli Rogtie : Or, of his abundance of joy to fee you, he offers a pottle of Wine; and in requital of his kindnefs, can do no lefs then make you pay for it : whilft you are drawing money, he fumbles in his poc- kets, (as School-boys with their points, being about to be whipt) till the Reckoning be paid, and fays, // mujl not be fo, yet is eafily perfwa- ded to it ; and then cries, Gentlemen, you force me ta incivility. When his Whores cannot fup- ply him, he borrows of any that will lend him ought; of this man a fhilling, and of another as much; which fome lend him, not out of hope to be repayed, but that he will never trouble them again. If he finds a good look from any, he will haunt him fo long, till he force a good nature to the neceffity of a quarrel. He loves his Friend as one doth his Cloak that hath but one, and knows not how to get another; he will be fure to wear him thread-bare ere he forfake him. Men fhun him at laft as infection; nay, his old Compani- ons, his Cloaths that have hung upon him fo long, at length fall off to. His prayer in the morning is, That his Cheats may take effeft that day ; if not, that he may be drunk before night He fleeps with a Tobacco-pipe in his mouth, and he dreams of nothing but Villany. If any mifchief efcapes him, it was not his fault, for he lay as fair for it as he could. He dares not enter into a ferious thought, left he hang himfelf; but if fuch melancholy feize him, the Drink is his refuge, and Drunkennefs cures him. Laftly, he commonly dies like a Malefa6lor on the Gallows, or like Heracles with fire in his bones. When hanged, if begged for an Anatomy, it would ferve to con- vert Tobacco-fmokers from delighting in the ex- Witty Extravagant. 1 2 1 cefs thereof: for they will find the funnel of his body, I mean his throat, furred and choakt up. Being freed from danger, we rejoyced exceed- ingly that we thus fo narrowly efcaped, refolving to houfe our felves in the next Bubbing-place we came to, that we might talk freely of this ren- counter. A place (pointed out to us by the Devils Finger) foon prefented it felf to our Eyes, which we with more than good fpeed entered ; and coming into the Kitchin, I was not a little amazed at the fight of a thing fitting in a Chair by the fire-fide, with a Pipe of Tobacco in its mouth, and a Quartern of Strong- waters by its fide. This Tun of Flefh refembled an Elephant for the bigneffe of her Wafle, had there been the leaft appearance of a Tooth : A Nofe fhe had (which with all wonder be it fpoken that fhe had any) fo long, as that it was a fit refemblance of the Elephants Probofcis or Trunk. But, as I faid before, her Teeth were fain out; and as loving Neighbours to reconcile them, her Chin and Nofe refolved to meet about it. She bids us Wel- come as well as fhe could fpeak. Go, I think fhe could not; but opening her mouth. Lord, what ftrong imaginations my fancy fuggefted to me ! Me thought I faw Hell gaping to devour me ; and within that bottomlefs Concave, I could difcern infinite numbers of Souls whofe damnation fhe was acceffory to ; and coming fomewhat too near her, I imagined her breath was bituminous, and fmelt of Brimftone. She might fitly be compared to old-Coal that hath been well burnt, that with the leaft fpark will re-kindle, and fire any thing 122 The Englijh Rogue'. Or, near it. But her fitteft likenefs is the Devil, her Envy running parallel with his. All that the Devil endeavours, is to bring Mankind into the fame ftate with himfelf ; and a Bawds aim is to make all fair women like her : now becaufe their youth perhaps will not admit of it fo foon, fhe hurries them on to it by degrees, by drinking, fmoaking, painting, and dayly excefs in venery. I lookt about her houfe very inquifitively, but I could not judge her Moveables (fetting afide her quick Cattle) to be worth an Inventory. Her bedding I doubt me too is infeclious, few coming near it, but they are prefently taken with a fit of the falling-ficknefs. This old Beldame, being loth to put her throat to the trouble of calling her white Devils about her, had got a Whiftle, on which fhe ufed feveral Notes; which Mufical language her Girls underftood very well. We called for drink; the old Bawd replyed fhe would fend for fome, though fhe had it not in the houfe : this was to be fure of our Moneys. Herein I obferved their temperance, not fuffering us to have too much meafure. Wenches we had plen- tifully; one more efpecially I took notice of, to have the Swartheift fkin I have feen Englifh born, on whom an ordinary fellow was very fweet. When I faw my opportunity, I askt him, cra- ving his excufe) What Trade Ju was ? Pat as I would have it, he anfwered me, T/tat he was a Tanner. I concluded fo, Sir, (faid I) by your drejjing of that Calf s-skin there. This Dull-headed fool apprehended me not, but began to be an- gry, telling me, His Trade was a good Trade, and I need not undervalue it. I told him, / did Wtity Extravagant. 123 not,Jittd there was fome analogy between my Trade and his. Why what Trade are you? (faid he,) (I may ask you a qicejlion, as Well as you me.) I re- plyed, That I was a Cuckold-maker. How can tJmt be like my ProfeJJion ? quoth he. In this, faid I, You drefs the skins, and I trim the Horns. The Bawd at this fell into fuch an extream fit of laugh- ter, that down fell her Pipe, and up came the Strong-waters that fhe had fwallowed : but that was not all, for having not her retentive faculty, fhe let flie : furely fhe was overcharged, which fnade her recoyl, and fo blew out her breech-pin. She was forced to leave us, and about an hour after returned ; how fweet, I cannot tell you. We fell into difcourfe again: I afkt her. How longJJte had IrJd in this houfc? Two years (faid fhe) a longer time then any hoiife I have lived in this twenty years : with that I concluded fhe was in fee with the Juftices Clerk. My ftomach being wa- terifh, I would needs have fome Eggs and Bacon : but Lord, what an Agony the hearing thereof put the Bawd in ! defiring me to defifl, for fhe fhould die at the fight of them. I askt her the reafon ; O, faid fhe, it puts me in mind of one Shrove-tuefday efpecially, on which the Apprentices pulled down my houfe; andjick, Jick as I was, pulled ihe away violently from a Caudle I had prepared to comfort me : But they gave ^ne one with a Pox to them, and the Devils Dam, take the Rotten Eggs in it, with which I thought they would have pelted out my brains, after they ftaa dragged me fufficiently, and worried me (as a Majiiff would a Cat) till tliey were weary of tlie fport: fearing I fhotdd catch cold, they out of pity covered me warm in a Bogg-hotife. 124 The Englijh Rogue: Or But the worjl was, after this kind ufage, I was to go through a long Jlreet before I could come to an ac- quaintance of mine wherein I could fafely fecure my f elf from the out-rage of thefe Hell-hounds. A II along as I went, a thoufand Dogs barkt at me, the fireet was filled with people looking and laughing at my fad difafier, but none daring to come near me. They fay 1 leftfofirong a fcent behind me, that feveral of the Inhabitants left their dwellings upon it, and that the ftrong favour remained in that place above fix days. I feemed to pitty her much, promifing to vifit her often; and fo we left her. WtU}/ Extravagant. 1 25 CHAP. XIII. What a Trick he ferved his Comrade ; how him/elf was Traparid ; his own Cloaths taken from him ; the Bawd out of pretended pity, invejied him with an old petticoat and wa/lcoat; his admittance into a Boarding-School ; his getting m.any of the Gentle- women with Child; his difcovery, and his flight. FRom one Bawdy-houfe to another, was our dayly Travel, ftill finding out fome variety that might pleafe us. About the twylight, coming along by a well-built houfe, I faw a Gentlewoman richly Attired (landing by the door, who, as I paffed by, very civilly faluted me, and fo with- drew her felf. I followed her in, as very well underftanding how to interpret fuch aftions. She brought us into a fpacious Inner-room, and then with much civility and good carriage, invited us to fit down. She called to her fervant to bring fome bottles of Wine, refolving to make us pay dearly for her extraordinary Favours. By our habits fhe took us for no lefs then perfons of Qua- lity ; for we had gallantly accoutred our felves ; and I thought that Fortune now had defigned me her chiefeft favorite, in throwing this unexpe6led bleffing upon me. She caufed her Lute to be brought her, to which fhe fung fo harmonically, 126 T}ie Englijfi Rogue. Or, that the Mufick of the Sphears are no more to be compared to it, then a Scotch Bagpipe to an Organ. This fo intoxicated my Comrade, with the Wine together (not but that they had a great operation on my felf) that he fell faft afleep, {alias dead drunk.) Glad I was to my very heart of this ac- cident, fearing he might be a Rival in my in- tention : and to the intent I might remove all Renwra's or Impediments that might hinder my fole enjoyment of this Lady, I confulted with my felf what to do with him : I was not long about it, but ftreight found out this cunning Plot, which was to fend him home to his Mafter. Love to a Woman is fo forceable, that what will it not do ? to fum up all, make a man betray his Friend. I made an Apology to the Gentlewoman for his in- civility, and requefted the favour to have her fer- vant procure me a Porter ; whilft fhe was gone to execute my defires, I fearcht his Pockets, and took away all his Gold ; for we had converted all our money into that metal, which we always made our Vade mecum. To ingratiate my felf with this Gentlewoman, I acquainted her with my defign ; which fhe heartily laughed at. I farther defired of her, that I might have a Card and a piece of paper. On the Card I wrote a fuperfcription, and pinned it on his back, directing the thing to his Mafter, living in fuch a place : with the paper, I wrote a Letter to him to this effect. SIR, Lately I found your Goofe upon the way, I took him up, as one that went ajlray. To recompence my pains , I pulVd his feathers ; Witty Extravagant. 12 f Suchpretious down will warm me in all weathers. His Jlejh I love not; it belongs to yoic : The gibblets thotigh I keep ; and fo adieu. I gave the Porter inftruflions, that he Ihould but juft put him within the doors, and leave the Letter, and fo with all fpeed to come away, to prevent examination : he brought me word he had performed my order : what difcants were made hereon, I fhall leave the Reader to imagine. By this time I had gained my Miftrefs with a fhower of Gold, which had fo far prevailed on her, that Ihe protefted fhe was wholly and folely at my de- votion, I would have had her to have gone im- mediately to bed ; but fhe told me. There would be time enough before morning to /port ifi, and that we piotdd be both tired, if we went to bed fo foon. "Wherefore, to divert our felves, we drank and fung together in parts, I my felf having indifferent good judgment. Having fpun out the time fo long till it was time to go to bed, fhe then conducted me to the Chamber where fhe intended we fhould lie. Though fhe made what hafte fhe could to un- drefs her felf, yet me thought fhe was purpofely tedious, I commended before, her Vocal and In- flrumental Mufick ; but then I efleemed no other Mufick fweeter then what the Tag made againfther Bodice when fhe was unlacing her felf About two a Clock in the Morning, three or four fellows rufhed into our Room ; at which I awakened, but made as little noife as a Perdue. My Miftrefs leaping out of the Bed, they feized on her, gag- ged and bound her ; and then opening the two leaves of the Window that was the entrance into 128 The Englijh Rogue. Or, the Belcony, they came in all hafte to the Bed, and in a trice, had rowled up the Bed fo clofe, that they had Hke to have ftifled me in the middle on't: though they dragged me in the Bed from off the Bedfteed, rudely letting me fall on the ground; yet I felt no harm ; every part of me was fo well guarded, that in that condition, I might have bid defiance to a Canon-Bullet But when I heard them talk of flinging the Bed over the Belcony to their Companions, I thought I fhould have died inftantly for fear, knowing I muft of neceffity go with it. Whereupon I cryed out as loud as I could, and flruggling, I got a little place open, and then I roar'd like Phalaris his Bull. They feeming to be furprized with my unexpe6led noife, fled, faftning a Rope to the Belcony, and fo flid down into the ftreet. Perceiving they were all gone, I groped about the Room (for it was very dark) fpeaking very lowly. Where are you Madam ? repeating it often ; but much wondring I could not hear her anfwer me. As I was feel- ing round the Room, flretching forth my hands, I chanced to run one of my hands againfl her, and one of my fingers into her mouth: I thought my finger had ftrayed at firfl, miftaking the place ; but fearching farther, and finding teeth, I knew then whereabout I was, and difcovered withal a flick in her mouth, keeping it wide open, as Butchers do their Sheep with a Gambrel, But having removed this obftacle of her fpeech, fhe begged me to untie her hands; which having done, fhe her felf untied her feet; and with that, fhe would have clafped me in her Arms ; but I hung an arfe, being fenfible of the ftinking condition WtUjy Extravagant. 129 that the fear had put me in. She was very inqui- fitive after my welfare, asking me again and again, Whether I had received any harm from the Rogues. I told her no: Nay, then I care not fot my ownfuffer- ings, or what lofs I have fujlamed by them, faid fhe, and fo fpeedily went for a candle. As I was think- ing to Apologize for my naftinefs, up fhe came with a light, viewing me, and perceiving what a condition I was in, fhe kept at a diftance; Sir, faid fhe, my fancy fuggejls to me, that yon now refemble Ne- buchadnezzar when Metamorphozed into a beaft, and lying in his own dung, when you fhall have reaffumed your humanity, I fJiall prefume to approach nearer to you. I made my S irreverence to her, wifhing they had gagged her breech too fo wide, that her guts might have a paffage through her pofleriours. For I plainly perceived, notwithftanding all her fpe- cious pretences, fhe was the foundrefs of this Plot. Well, fhe caufed water to be brought up, with which I cleanfed my felf ; and becaufe my fhirt had too ftrong a fent of Stercus humanum, fhe lent me a Smock, which prefaged ere long I fhould wear Coats too. Having fhifted my felf, I looked for my Cloaths, but there was a Nan efl inventus out againft them, all my fearch could afford me not the leafl comfort: my Miflrefs feemed much di- fturbed at my lofs ; but when I told her I had loft fuch a confiderable quantity of Gold, her forrow feemed to be redoubled, and I am fure her inward joy was increafed. She comforted me with a great many friendly loving expreffions, defiring me to be patient, and indeed neceflity forced me to it. I asked her advice what I fhould do in this naked condition : There is no remedy, (fhe replyed) you K 130 The Englijh Rogue: Or, mujlbe content to cloath your f elf in Womans apparel, as for mans I Jtave none to furnifh you withal. I con- fented to it, and prefently fhe dreft me up in one of her Gowns, with all the appurtenances there- unto belonging. The flendemefs of my body, whitenefs of skin, beauty^ and fmoothnefs of face (having no hairs thereon) added a fuitablenefs to my garb. I muft ingenioufly confefs, when I con- fulted with a Looking-glafs, I thought the tranf- mutation of Sexes had been verified in me ; but when I walked, I found fomething pendulous, which eafily perfwaded me to the contrary belief of my felf. I thought it folly to tax her for my misfortune, knowing how little it would advantage me. The time was come I was to take my leave of her: going to falute her, I committed a foul mi- ftake, indeavouring to pull off my hood in ftead of my hat, and making a Leg (as the vulgar term is) in ftead of a Curchy ; but fhe advifing me to rec- tifie that miftake for the time to come, we bid each other adieu. In this difguize I traverfed the ftreets, it being almoft impoffible for any to difco- ver me, my voice being fo effeminate, that I was confident that would never betray me. As I walkt, I confulted with Reafon what was moft expedient. My invention (as at all times) was now ready to affift me ; and thus it was. Finding a Bill on a door, I knocked, defiring to fee what Lodgings they had ; I was very civilly intreated to come in, and was fhown feveral Rooms with much refpe6l, for my female habit was very gallant, and fo it had need, for it cofl me dearer than fo much cloath of Gold. I pitch'd at lafl upon a Chamber extra- ordinary well furnifhed; I never fcrupled the Witfy Extravagant. 131 price, (becaufe they fhould look on me as a per- fon of Quality) but agreed to my Landlords own terms. I told him I was lately come out of the Country, and that my Trunks were not yet ar- riv'd, with a great many more fiftions to prevent fufpition. At firfl: I intended to take for no longer time, than I could contrive a way to difpofe of my felf, and procure mans Apparrel ; but per- ceiving how agreeable my Feature, Stature and Gefture were to my Female Weeds, I refolved to trie fome projefls in them. There was a young Gentleman that lay in the houfe, and took fpecial notice of me as foon as I entered it, and as he told me next day, was over joyed that I had determined to be a Lodger there. This young Bravo (which had more money than wit) had prepared a Ban- quet for me, and requefted the favour of me, that it and himfelf might be received into my chamber : I alleadged I could not do it in point of honour, and therefore defired to be excufed ; but he preft me fo far (getting alfo his Landlady to intercede for him), that at laft (though with much feeming unwillingnefs) I condefcended thereunto. Very merry they were, but I thought it prudence to be referv'd. My Amorift fo gazed on me, that I thought he would have devoured me with his eyes, kifTmg me fometimes, which had like to have made me difgorge my ftomack in his face. For in my opinion, it is very unnatural, nay loathfome, for one man to kifs another, though of late too cuflomary I know it is ; yet I look on fuch as ufe it, inclining to Sodomy^ and have had the unhap- pinefs to be acquainted with feverall, who ufmg that unnatural a6lion, found it onely the Prelu- 132 The Englijh Rogue: Or, dium to a more beaftly intention. In three dayes time we grew fo intimately acquainted, that at laft he became impudent. One time as I paft by him, he catch'd at me, endeavouring to intrude his hand where he had no intereft, but he did it fo rudely, that I verily thought he had fpoiled me; I believe he imagined that he had caught me by the busk, which fome Ladies wear very long to hide their rifmg bellies. I fhowed my felf much difpleafed at him for fo doing, expreffmg my re- fentment in imbittered words for fo great a Crime. Next morning, he courted me to a Reconciliation with a Gold Watch: by that he fhould have been well skilled in gaining female afFeftions ; for there is nothing prevails on them more than prefents ; and nothing gains fooner over them a total con- queft, than the hopes of enjoying a fair promifmg Fortune. With much importunity I accepted his Peace-offering, conditionally, that he fhould ne- ver attempt the like offence. Nothing troubled me more, then how to drefs my felf when my cloaths were off. I durfl not lay two things toge- ther, for fear I fhould miftake ; there were fo many baubles, I wifhed for a Pen and Ink, to write on them what places they properly belonged to. Viewing them on the Table together, they repre- fented to my thoughts Babel, or a great confu- fion, and nothing but a miracle could produce Order out of them, I had fo improv'd my felf by hourly pra6lice, when none was with me, and ob- fervation of others, that I had now the knack on't. I new modelled my fteps, my former being too large by three quarters ; I could advantagioufly caft my eye, fet my face in a plat-form, and diffe6t Wilfy Extravagant. 133 my words ; my feet were my only Traytors, and therefore I alwayes kept them clofe Prifoners, for their greatnefs (like the Devils cloven-foot) pro- claimed me the contrary Sex I imitated. Well, I thought it high time to be gone, not without plucking my Widgeon. Having a fit opportunity, there being none prefent but himfelf and I, I pre- tended difappointment of money, and that my Rents were not yet due, and therefore defired him to lend me 10/. for eight days ; at the termi- mination of which time, I fliould not fail to return it him with gratitude. He was much joy'd, that I would favour him fo far, as to accept his fervice ; & with that flew like Lightning, fearing he would have fra6lured his Leg-bone for h^e to bring me the money, which I received from him thankfully. I caufed a Coach to be call'd, pretending I had bufmefs into the City. My Cully would have wait- ed on me, which I utterly refufed, telling him with- out privacy my affairs would prove inefre6lual ; whereupon he defifted. Coming into Burchin-Lane, I went to a Salef- man, and bought (pretendedly for my Maid) an ordinary yet handfome Petticoat and Waftcoat, furnifliing my felf with all the Appurtenances re- quifite for a Servant maid. In ftead of returning to my Lodging, I caufed the Coachman to drive me to one of the principal Nurferies of Venus, Whetjlones Park. For I lookt upon it as a matter of fmall import, to take my leave either of my young Gallant at home, or my Landlord, fmce I had not left the leaft Mortgage behind me for fleeping. Mother Cunny (to tell the truth) was the Nick- 134 "The Englijh Rogue: Or, name of that Corpulent Matron, that with much demon ftrations of joy received me into her houfe ; neither could fhe forbear exprefling her great fatis- faftion, in that her civil and honeft deportment was fo generally taken notice of, as that it fhould be an inducement to ftrangers to fhelter them- felves under her Tutelage, preferring her as a Guardian or Tutrefs, before fo many throughly tried, and long experienced antient Gentlewo- men, both in City and Suburbs. She highly ap- plauded both the Features and Complexion of my Face, not forgetting the right colour of my Hair, which was flaxen : the Stature of my Perfon in- finitely pleafed her, which was fomewhat of the talleft: In fhort, nothing difliked her, but that fhe faid I lookt as if I had a greater mind to beat, than bufs ; and to fight, than delight my Amoretes with fmiling infinuations. I had not been long in her houfe, before a roar- ing Damme entred the houfe, (a conftant vifitant) who meeting with my Guardian, was informed that there was a rich treafure difcover'd in her houfe, and that none Ihould attempt to fpring the Mine, till he had made entrance by the firft ftroak. In fhort, he was brought into the Chamber where I was, who at firft behaved himfelf indifferently civil, and treated me nobly: But O Heavens! how great was my confufion and diftraflion, when ftrength of Arguments and force of hands would not repel the fury of his luft, and that nothing would ferve his turn but lying with me. I de- fended my felf manfully a long time ; but feeing it was impoflible to hold out any longer, and that I muft be difcovered, the next affault he made. Witty Extravagant. 135 forced me to cry out : this fo alarumed my Gentle- man (concluding this outcry proceeded not from modefty and chaftity, but out of fome trapanning defign) that he drew his fword, and made toward the Stair-cafe, and running down with more hafte than good fpeed, overturned my kind Governefs (that was puffing up the Stairs to my relief) and fo both tumbled down together : fear had fo dif- poffeft this huffling fellow of his fenfes, that he miftook my old Matron for the Bravo he thought did ufually attend me, and fo without once look- ing behind him, made his efcape into the ftreet, leaving the piece of Antiquity not fo much defaced by time, as by this difmal accident fo near extin- guifhing, that fhe was half undone in the vaft ex- pence of her Strong-waters, to bring her tongue to one fmgle motion. Coming to her felf, you may imagine how I was treated by her ; but to be brief, I told her I could not brook fuch a courfe of life, wherein all injoy- ments were attended by ruine and deftruftion, al- though habited and cloathed in the feeming orna- ments of real pleafure ; adding moreover, that 1 would fpeedily leave her houfe, invefting my felf with a meaner garb, bellowing thofe I wore on her in part of fatisfa6tion for what fhe fuffered through my means. This propofition fo well pleafed her, that I had free liberty to do as I thought moft con- venient herein. Exchanging my fine MadamJJiip for plain Joan- Jhip, my equipage being fuitable for fervice, I re- folved to apply my felf to a Boarding School ; and the rather, having obferved it to be more thronged with Beauties, than any other : My addrefs proved 136 The Englijh Rogue-. Or, as fuccefsful as I could defire, for inftantly upon my motion, I was leceived in as a Menial of the houfe. But when I came to ufe the Tools of the Kitchin, I handled them them fo fcurvily, it made thofe teething Giglers my fellow fervants, even fplit with laughter. To add to my misfortune, thofe Varlets one time when we had fome meat to roafb, on purpofe got out of the way for a while, to fee how I could behave my felf ; and then I did fpit the meat fo monflroufly ftrange, that coming into the Kitchin, they could not tell at firft fight what thofe joynts were called at fire. My aflions had proclaimed my ignorance in all Domeftick Af- fairs, fo that my Miftrefs could not but take notice of me ; and told me, that I was altogether unfit for her fervice, and that fhe could do no lefs than dif- charge me. Fearing that my defign was now fruftrated. and my fair hopes of delight annihilated, I could not contain my tears from bedewing my face. My blubber'd eyes wrought fo powerfully with my Miftrefs, that I judged it now the fitteft time in broken Accents to mollifie her anger, and ftill re- ferve my place in her fervice. Whereupon I told her a great many formal and plaufible lies, well methodized ; that I had all my life time lived in an obfcure Village amongfl rude and ill-bred peo- ple, and therefore knew nothing ; that it was my defire to learn, not fo much valuing wages as ex- perience, and that it was for that intent I had tend- red my fervice. The good old Gentlewoman being much pleafed with my freedom, prefently ordered the Maids that without their grinning and giglet- ing, they fhould fhew me any thing I underftood not. Witty Extravagant. 137 By diligent obferving, I gained fhortly an indif- ferent knowledge : Though I lay with one of my fellow fervants every night, yet I judged it no pru- dence to difcover to her my Sex (though much againft the hair) till I had by external kindneffes indeared her to me. I went through my bufmefs pretty handily, giving a general fatisfaflion, gain- ing daily an interefb upon the loves of the young Gentlewomen. O the fine inexprefTible petulances that dayly, nay, hourly paft between me and fome other of them ; and fo crafty I was grown, that I perfe6lly did counterfeit a modeft maiden. Sometimes we would retire three or four of us into a private corner, yet not fo obfcure but that we intended to be feen by fome man or other we had afore dif- covered ; and then as if affrighted by an unexpe6ted furprize, fqueak out, and then with ftrange hafte endeavour to hide our pretended fhamefacednefs. Thus concurring and fuiting my felf to their humours, I had all the freedome I could defire. And now I thought it high time to handle the matter for which I came about ; for indeed flefh and blood could hold out no longer. One night I perceived my Bedfellow could not in the leaft clofe her eyes, continually fighing and tumbling to and fro, fometimes laying her leg over me, and at other times hugging me within her arms, as if I had been in a prefs. At firfl I thought this commotion or perturbation proceeded from Sym- pathy, as queftionlefs in part it did ; for I found experimentally by my felf that my heart did beat as if it would have forced its paffage through my breaft. 138 The Englijh Rogue \ Or, I thought I could do no lefs than ask her what fhe ailed that fhe was thus reftlefs. At firft, fighs were her onely anfwers, till at laft (I preffing her much) poor thing fhe melted into tears. As foon as her eyes had given over deluging, and that her heart would give her leave to fpeak ; Jo^ie (faid fhe, for fo I called my felf) if thou wilt keep my fecrets, I will tell thee my whole heart. Having promifed to do that, whereupon fhe began thus to relate her ftory. Our Coachman for feveral years hath fhown me more then common refpeft, and indeed though I have concealed that affeflion I ever bore him, yet I could not but now and then give him flight occafions of hope : as the moneths wherein we lived together added to our age, fo did it add true life & vigour to our loves, which increafed fo much and fafl, that I could hide mine no longer. But herein confifls my mifery, that our affeftions aim at different ends ; I fain would marry him ; he is onely for prefent enjoyment, and finding me obftinate, and not in the leaft yielding to his amo- rous foUicitations, begins to flight me, and toys with fuch before my face, that I knov/ will fur- render their Maiden forts upon the firft Summons. Now Dear Joan, let me tell thee, I can hold out no longer, but am refolved to give him all the oppor- tunity of privacy I can invent, upon the leaft motion offered, I will entertain it. I diffwaded her from this rafh refolution with as much reafon as I could utter ; inculcating the danger of being gotten with child, with all its aggravations : that having obtained his ends, his love would be con- verted into loathing ; and he having rejefted her as his obje6l, none that knew her would choofe Wiffy Extravagant. 139 her as an obje6l that may make an honeft wife ; for who would marry a whore, but to entail the Pox on his progeny? What ever I alleadged, fhe valued not. Seeing fhe was fully bent, I thought this the critical hour to difcover my felf to her, Come, tome (faid I) / will quickly put you out of con- ceit with John, and cure this love that fo much troubles yoti\ and fo I did, after which I enjoyned her fdence ; which I thought fhe would have done, for her own interefl fake; which fhe did for a while. I came at length to be very much beloved in ge- neral. It was the cuftome almofl every night for the young Gentlewomen to run skittifhly up and down into one anothers Chambers; and I was fo peflered with them, that they would not let me fleep. But I had an excellent Guardian in bed with me, that would not let any of them come in to us, refolving to monopolize all the fport to her felf It was good fport to obferve how this Maid always followed me as my fhadow, and whatever I was doing of, fhe would have a hand in it with me. What an endlefs work we made in making the beds ! Our Miftrefs faw her work very much negle6led, laying all the blame upon my Bedfellow; and indeed not without caufe: for her mind was fo employed about thinking on night, that fhe did little all day; which my Miftrefs perceiving, turned her away ; which was no fmall joy to me, if for no other con- fideration then her extream fondnefs, which I knew would betray us both in the end. After the departure of my Bedfellow, the young Ladies pittying my lonenefs in the night, redreft that folitude by their welcome prefence. The firft that came had like to have fpoiled all; by her 140 The Englijh Rogue : Or, fqueaking; but fome of her Affociates running to know what was the matter, (he readily told them fhe tlwught there was a Moufe in the bed : thus fatisfied, they departed ; and I enjoy ned her as I did the other, filence; but alas! all Injun6lions on Women to keep a fecret, are but as fo many perfwafions to divulge it. Notwithflanding I had fo enjoyned her fecrecy, yet (he made it known to fome that fhe entertained a peculiar refpe6l for, intending they fhould participate with her in the pleafure fhe enjoyed. This difcovery did put me to an extream hard task; I fhould never have under- gone it, had not variety of fuch fweet fmelling Rofe- buds encouraged me. Thus frequently each night did I repeat My uncontrouled pafjions ; and for heat, And aSlive livelinefs, I thought that none Could fiand with me in competition. Twas then, forgetful wretch, that I a kifs Did oft prefer before a greater blifs. What did I care? my carnal joys did fwell; So flighted Heaven, and ne' re feared Hell. But let m-e henceforth learn to flight thofe toys, Andfet my heart upon Celefiial joys. In the very height of thefe my jollities, I cou'd not forbear thinking fometimes on my eternal condition; but cuftome and opportunity had fo abfolutely inflaved me, that good thoughts which were but feldom, wrought little good effe6ls upon me. But if my fouls welfare would not deter me from thefe foul and wicked a6ls, yet love to my prefent mortal! condition, compelled me for a WiUjy Extravagant. 141 while to defift, and by flying thofe embraces I late- ly fo hotly purfued, fhun thofe complicated mif- chiefs which were appropinquant, the undeniable efife6ls of my immoderate and deftru6live wanton- nefs. My approaching danger was too vifible, for I obferved that fome of the Gentlewomen began to find ftrange alterations in their bodies, with fre- quent qualms coming over their flomacks, which made me fick to be gone ; and in this manner I did plot my efcape. My Miftris having a Son much about my ftature, and one time finding a fit oppor- tunity, I got a fuit of cloaths of his, with other perquifits, which I put on, reaffuming my proper fhape and habit, and fo with flying colours marched off, infulting over the conqueft of fo many Maiden- heads, leaving the quondam poffeffors thereof to de- plore their enfuing mifery, and condemn their own rafli folly. 142 The Englijh Rogiic Or, CHAP. XIV. What a Trick he ferved a young man of his Acquain- tance, whom he fnet witJial accidentally ; how he was pinc/ted with hunger, and what wayes he in- vented to kill it. I Made all the fpeed I could to London, knowing the largenefs of that Vaft City would afford conveniency for my concealment. But then my cloaths much troubled me, knowing nothing would betray me fooner than they. Whilft I was ftudying all imaginable wayes for my prefervation, fuch an opportunity prefented it felf, that therein it was plainly feen the Fates had decreed of old to favour my enterprizes. As I faid, walking the ftreets, and ruminating what was beft to be done, I met with a young Man of my acquaintance, who fee- ing me, ran and caught me in his Arms, and with very much joy we congratulated each other, and fo as is ufual when Friends meet we mufl drink toge- ther. Over our cups, I began to inquire after his condition: He fhook his head, and fo related to me a fad ftory, which in effe6l was to this purpofe in his own words. Deareji Friend, Jince laji I faw you, never was young Man fo unfortunate as my felf the caufe thereof I can impute to nothing more than felf-conceit, and over-much credulity ; which bythefequelyou will plain- ly underfiand. For perceiving that my Miflrefs fhewed tne m^re then a common refpe6l^ I concluded that fhe Witty Extravagant. 143 Jiad entertained fome private favour for me within her breafi, fo that I began to be puft up with conceit ; negle6ling tny duty, and now dcfpifing the Cfiamber- viaid, who zuas before the only Saint I made nightly my oraizons too ; withal, I carried my felffo imperi- oufly, that my Mafier was not very well ajjured wJie- tJier he durji command or no. My Miflrefs would fometimes heartily laugh, to fee how ridiculous I car- ry ed myfelf; which I looked upon as a lingular favour^ tnifiaking Jier fmiles for tokens of Iter love, when they were no other tlian t/te apparent Symptomes of her de- rifion. Obferving how affable and p leafing fite was, I never co7ifidered tlie generality of it, fo tJtat tny Jelf- flattering tioddle fuppofed this carriage particular to me, and thereupon interpreted this her complacencie firong affe6lion ; and by reafonfhe was frequently merry and jocofe, I concluded Iter falacious or Leclierous. Thus by tJie falfe lights of mifconfiruSlion and eafie belief, I was led into Loves Labyrinth ; My Mafier s affairs was lefs regarded than my Mifirefs fuppofed affe6lion. In fine, Ijndged it abfolutely neceffary to make her acquainted with my Amorous Paffion, and fio expedient better than by Letter. My Mifirefs {as it is cufiomary with Citizens Wives to light the Candle of tJieir Husbands Efiates at both ends) had her Country -houfe, to which I was fent by my Mafier, with fome bottles of Wine, preparatory for a Feafi in- tended for the accommodation of fome fpecial Friends : arriving, I found m^y Mifirefs had fent her Maid to London about fome bufinefs, at which I blefsd my propitious liars, to dire6l m.e thither infuch a fortu- nate and mofi defired hour. After I fiad delivered my Meffage, I began to talk very familiar with my Mifirefs : fiie with a fmiling countenance, ask'd me, What I meant? not in the 144 The Englijh Rogtie : Or, leajl checking nty prefumption, which made me more arrogant and bold; telling her^ I was her eternally- devoted Servant ; Jite anfwered m.e, I was bound to be her Servant for a time, and that I muft, when commanded, obey her pleafure: to which lajl word, I added iu my thoughts the Epithite Venereal, fuppojingjhe m,eant not to have left it out; with that I reply ed, Miftrefs, I fhould not deem my felf worthy to be your Servant, if my refolution had not ingaged me to be fo perpetually ; as for my affeflion, it fhall dayly anticipate your defires ; you fhall not need to lay your commands on me, fmce ray thoughts fhall be folely imployed in con- triving wayes how we may injoy each other, to the mutual fatisfaftion of us both. A t which words, /he fell into an excefs of laughter, (which I judged the effects of joy) and then asked me, Whether I was Mad ? / anfwered. No, unlefs too much love had made me fo; Dearefl Miftrefs, read but this Pa- per, and I hope that will better inform you. Here he ftopt, pulling out of his pocket a copy- thereof, which was to my beft remembrance to this purpofe. Deareft Miftrefs, FRequently revolving in my thoughts the condition I now am in, Defpairfiands ready tofeize me; but the conjideration and knowledge of your commiferating Nature, draws m.e out of its ruinating Jaws. When I reflel again on the difparity of our Fortunes, and tJiat it is your Indentured VaJ/al that this proflrates his af- felion at your feet, I fear one blafl of your juft indig- nation will fuddainly fhipwreck all my hopes. Icon- WtUy Extravagant. 145 fefs my error is overmucJi conjidejicc, for ivhich I may expc6l mine, which commonly attends raJJi Attempts ; efpecially daring to fail in the narrow Seas, without any other Pilot than blind Love ; and if I flionld ar- rive at my defired Port, I cannot deliver 'my Goods without ftealing Cuflome. Bnt waving all difficulties of this Nature, confider that Love vinfi needs be qninteffential, that is not drawn from any other in- terefi tJian reciprocal enjoyment ; and it mnfl needs be exceeding flrong and eminent too, that will force its way through the greatefi hazards. Signifie my Pardon by one gracioiis fmile, for what L have fo boldly (yet forceably) dif covered, and L fJiall efieem my condition little inferior to what is Celeflial ; which is no happi- nefs to me, wit /tout the aufpitiotis beams of your favotir (hine on me. And fo fubfcribe my felf accordi?ig as your fentence fliallbe, eitJier the Mofl happy, or moft miferable. The Verfes that were annext to the Letter, he told me he got a Rimer to compofe for him, which afterwards he found ftoln out of feveral Authors ; a Hne out of one, and a half out of another, and fo with the courfe thred of his brain botch'd together ; which were thefe : Cupid did wound my heart ; L hid the grief Long time, but durfl not feck for your relief; / found the fmart increafed on that fcore. For wounds, if not well fearcJid, but rankle more. cure me quickly then, or elfe / die; Deny not, fince there's none but you and /. 1 withdrew as foon as I had delivered my Paper, giving her leave to read in private, what my Love L 146 The EngliJJi Rogue: Or, had di6lated. About a quarter of an hour after fhe called me to her, affuring me in a day or two I fhould receive an anfwer to the purpofe ; and fo abfconding her difpleafure, fhe fent me with all expedition home again. After the expiration of three dayes, fhe came home to her City-houfe : at night fhe pretended fome indifpofition of body, and defired to lie by her felf ; which hearing, I thought my joy would prove a Traytor to my fup- pofed happinefs ; fhe takes an occafion to tell me, About twelve at night I might come to her Bed-cham- ber, the door whereof fhe would leave open for me on purpofe. In the mean time, fhe Ihewed my Mafter the Letter, acquainting him with the whole bu- fmefs. According to the time appointed, I entered the Chamber in my fhirt ; approaching the Bed, I began to pour out my Amorous Expreffions ; and as I had one leg upon the Bed-fide, ready to enter the Bed, where I thought my Miftrefs had at- tended my pleafure, I thought the Devil had waited on my Pofteriors, corre6ling me for not making more hafte. The firft lafh was feconded Avith three or four more in an inftant, which made me caper up and down fo nimbly about the Room, that for my life I could not find the door ; at laft I did ; fpeed was now the onely Guardian I had left, and fo without paufmg long upon it, I made but one ftep of the firft pair of Stairs from top to the bottom, which had liked to have lamed me ; before I could recover my felf, my Mafter was with me again, which put frefh expedition into me ; and fo ftarting up, I leapt down half the next pair, and tumbled down the reft. By this time he had loft the cord of his Whip, and fearing Wiffy Extravagajit 147 left he might fpoil me with the ftick, defifted bidding me go to bed, left I ftiould catch cold af- ter fo great a heat, and fo with two or three part- ing blows I got into my chamber, where I fell into a deep confultation with my felf, the refult of it was this ; I took my curtains and fheets, and tied them together, and then faftned one end thereof to the Window ; after this I went out of the Window, and fo Aid ; by that time I was within an half ftory of the ground, the knot of one of the Curtains flipt, fo that falling from that height, I thought that every bone in my body had been absolutely broken. Knowing it was no wayes fafe to lie there and cry God help me, I raifed my felf as well as I could, but I had not walked far, before I found my felf in no condition of going, wherefore I refolved to lie under the next Stall. As the Devil would have it, I found a Coblers Stall newly broke open that very night : never queftion- ing the place, I crept in, and notwithftanding my bruife by the fall, and whipping befides, I fell faft afleep, fo foundly, that I awaked not, till I was forced to it with an horfe-pox. For the Cobler coming to work early in the morning (according to his cuftome) found his door broken open ; with that, he made an hideous noife, crying out. He was undone ; for the day before he had laid out three fliillings four pence, which was all his ftock in Leather ; all which was ftoln, with many old fhooes, nay his very working implements ; doubt- lefs it was done by one of his own Fraternity, that had informed himfelf of his late great purchafe. The Cobler entring his Stall, found me in one corner faft afleep. He took no other courfe to a- L 2 148 The EngliJJi Rogiic : Or, wake me, than dragging me by the heels out of my Den, into the Street, crying out, That he had got one of the Rogues, and without any more adoe, fell upon me, buffeting me with his fifb, and treading me underneath his feet, making himfelf both my Judge and Executioner: Thus you fee one mifchief attends the others heels. I begged him in a pittiful manner to let me alone, and I would confefs to him all I knew, defiring him to go with me to the next Ale-houfe, which accordingly we did. I vowed to him I was no ways acceffary to his wrong, informing him as much as I thought con- venient of my fufferings, fhewing him what a woful plight I was in ; relating, it was my M afters cruelty that was the caufe of all this, and no other fault of mine, then flaying the lafl night out a little too long. The Cobler feemed to commiferate my mi- fery, asking me forgivenefs for what he had done, and fo we parted. Since, by the kindnefs of a good natured Widow (where I lie) I have recovered my hurts and flrength, and now am overjoyed we fhould fo happily meet. After this we drank very fmartly, but, I forgot not all this while my defign on him. After that I had pitied him, and lamented his fad misfortune, I thought it high time to put my Plot in execu- tion : in order thereunto, I demanded what diffe- rence he would take between my Hat and his, his Cloak and mine ; there being fmall matter of ad- vantage in the exchange, we agreed to go to handi- cap. In fine. There was not any thing about us of wearing cloaths but we interchanged : fcarce had I un-cafed my felf, and put on my Friends cloaths, b^t in came one that had dogged me, attended Witty Extravagant. 149 by the Conflable, with a Warrant to feize me, who they knew by no other token but my Boarding- Miftreffes Sons garments I had ftolen for my ef- cape. They forthwith laid hold on my Companion, (finding them on him) telling him, He fliotdd Je- verely fi'ffer for the wrong he did his Mijirefs, in the abufe of her houfe. Full of horror and amaze- ment, he befeeched them not to carry him before his Miftrefs, knowing how much he had offended her, fhe would have no mercy on him ; this con- firmed their belief, that they had found out the Offender. The more he intreated, the more deaf and inexorable were they ; and whilft they were bufied about their miftaken Criminal-Prifoner, I took an occafion to give them the flip, knowing that a little further difcourfe would re6lifie their Error. What they did with him I know not, neither durft I be fo inquifitive to underftand : wherefore, lea- ving him to the mercy of fuch, as would fhew but little to him, I fhall proceed forwards in my own ftory. My fbock was now very fmall ; how to in- creafe it, I knew not. My invention was daily on the Rack, to find out expedient wayes to fupply my neceffary expence. But my money being all fpent, my belly began to grumble out infufferable complaints againft me, feemmg to charge me with want of ingenuity and induftry, fince I injoyed my liberty ; for want that man cannot, which wants not that. Alas, what fhould I do .-* I ufed what means I could, having no better experience. There was not a Billiard Table, Boards End, or Nine-Pin-yard, that I did not daily vifit, fre- quenting fuch as had the greateft refort : in a fliort time I learned the art of Spunging fo per- 150 The Englijh Rogue: Or, felly, that I had the Title oi Spunge-Majier General conferred upon me. In thofe places I learned to take Tobacco, which was the chiefefl part of my food ; living in a manner by jSmoak, as the Ca- melion by Air. I fed fo lightly, that I durft not flir abroad in a high wind ; neither durft I fight, left one fmgle ftroak fhould have hazarded my dif- folution ; continued drinking 'had fo wafhed me, that my body was tranfparent, you might have feen within me (without diffe6lion) the motion of the heart ; you could have obferved but little as to my liver, it long fince had loft its ufe in the con- veyance of the blood, for my ftomack had nothing therein contained to fupply it ; like an Inns-a- Court-Kitchin out of Term-time. In fhort, I ap- peared like a walking Skeleton. I had feveral fug- geftions within me to proffer my felf again to my Mafter ; but the fhame to be feen in that condi- tion, deterred me ; wherefore, I refolved to wea- ther it out a little longer, and try whether Fortune would once more be favourable to me. My cloaths were indifferent good, which could not but pro- cure me credit, if I would make experiment. By means whereof I had gotten an handfome lodging chamber. It was a publick houfe of entertainment, fo that here I thought I fhould have meat, drink and lodging for chalk, and chalk for nothing. I called freely for what was in the houfe, which was readily brought me ; but when the fervants be- held with what celerity, (Hocus like) and cleanly conveyance, I had difpofed of what was before me, they verily believed in one week I would caufe a dearth in the houfe if I ftaid ; wherefore, one of the fervants acquainted her Miftrefs with what Witiy Extravagant, 151 fhe had obferved, alleadging further inveftively againft me, That I looked like one of thofe lean Beafts which have nothing given them to feed on, but vertuous and honeft Women ; that fhe believed I was the Genius of fome hunger-ftarved wretch, or a fhaddow without a fubftance, (which was very- true as to my pocket.) When I thought it was time to go to Bed, I call'd for a candle, not mat- tering whether I called for a Reckoning. But my Landlady did ; for faid fhe, Sir, It is our cujionte to reckon with our Lodgers every night what they have that day, and once a week to difcliarge their lodging. In truth I did intend to have difcharged my felf of it before the week had been out. I knew not what at prefent to anfwer her, but I was feldom to feek in fuch cafes. I defired her to be content for that night, on the morrow I would have my Trunks brought to her houfe, making it my Quar- ters for fome time ; and that fhe fhould find me a boon Companion, drinking freely : / believe fo, fhe faid, you will be here for fome time, or may be you will make this your Refuge or San^uary for one flight; and then you fay yoti will drink freely too, give me leave to tell you, you meant at free cofl. Sir, give me my reckoning now, or you fhall have no lodging here this night. Do you fufpe6l me. Landlady, faid I .- Refpe5l you, faid fhe, (miflaking the word)/^r what grounds, unlefs I knew you better ? and yet I doubt I fliall knoiv you too well. That's a good one videed, refpe6l a skin- full of Bones ; a bag of C/ieffmen; a bundle of fmall Faggot-flicks. Why, thou Haberdaflier of fmall wares, dofl tlwu think I will refpecl t/iee otherways than for thy moneys ? unlefs IfJiouldbe fo mad as to fall in love with Famine. Cotne, give me my reckoning firji, and I 152 The Englijli Rogiie: Or, JJialltalk with you in another Diale6l ; if not, I fliall Jet my Currs at thee (the Tapfler and Hoftler) tJiat fJiall worry thy gibUd Catjliip. Hearing her fay fo, & thinking the paffage had been clear, I betook my felf to flight ; but running thorow the Entry, I ran my belly direftly againft the Tapfters leg, that lay over the bench on which he flept. I ran fo fierce- ly, that I fhoved his head fo violently againft the board rais'd at the end of the bench, that I made his neck double ; the knock likewife had like to have turn'd that little brains he had within his head. As for my own part, I thought that his foot had run quite into my belly, and that pulling it out he had left his Ihooe behind. Before I could rife, I had three or four about me, which I thought would have limbed me, as boys falling out do their cocks on Sh'ove-Tuefday. At that time I would have fpared them one limb, provided that would have contented them. But there was no mercy to be had at their hands, efpecially the ftirill note of their Miftreffes perpetually moving Tongue, founding a charge in their ears. Being tyred with me, they would be revenged of my cloaths. They would have ftript me (I think ftark naked) for my Reckoning, but that one faid. Let Ids Cloak fiiffice ; at which, another pulled fo furi- oufly at it, that miraculoufly, without rending that thin tranfparent garment, he got it all but the cape. In this condition I was brought before my new Landlady ; I asked her what was to pay ? Sirrah (faid fhe) more then thou hajl in thy Pocket ; (2 s. 4 d.) As well as I could fpeak, I demanded how it came to be fo much. Why, (faid fhe) there is for Beef i s. for Bread 4 d. fix pipes of Tobacco, and Wt/ty Extravagant. 153 three pots of Ale ; all this thou hadjl in lefs then half an hour. I would not contradi6l her, though I knew it was near an hour ; I defired her to keep my Cloak for the reckoning, but durft not threaten her for her abufe. Being ab'out Hay-making time, I walked out into the Fields, refolving to fpend that night in contemplation. I had now time to confidcr the damage I fuftained in this skirmifh : they had carried away all my Ribbands with their fingers, otherwife my cloaths received the leaft harm. My Nofe refembled a black pudding before it is boyled, and my Eyes were fled into my head for fear of fuch melancholy meat. My Cheeks were fo puft up with fwelling pride, that they were re- folved to clofe up the portals of my Opticks, that they might not be eye-witneffes of the height of their ambition. My Ears were fo maulled with their flefhy Hammers, that I heard a peal within my head for joy, I fuppofe, that my eyes had taken up their refidence within my brains. At laft I felt fomething about my fhoulders ; at firft I thought it had been the weight of the blows, but feeling, found it a part of my friend that ftill hung about my neck, and would not leave me ; which put me in minde of that faithful Cloak that would never leave its Mafter, although his Mafler had attempted all ways imaginable to leave it. I muft needs fay, I loved my Cloak lo well, as that it grieved me much to be compelled to part with it. It had been a fervant to fervants, ever fince the fetting up of the firfl Billiard-table, whence it deriv'd its Pe- degree. Being deprived of its imployment, and dipoffefl of its antient habitation, its heart-ftrings were ready to break, and being not able to take a 154 '^^ Englijh Rogue \ Or, nap for grief, turned changeling. The young man I had it of, told me, that from the fifteenth fuc- ceffively, it was defcended to him : but they were unworthy to him, that having had his beft days, would turn him off in his extream old age. I have him fo frefh in my memory, that I cannot but condole his lofs. Cloak, if I may fo call thee, though thou art Thus ravifJi'd from me, dotit abruptly part. Thou didfi not take diflafle, and fo art gon, Caufe once I call'd thee a meer hanger oji. 'Twas but in jefl ; for had I now m.y will, Fde have thee for to hang about me flill. Now I may tax tliee juflly, for I fee That now th'art nothing elfe but levitie ; Nay when I had tliee, fcarcely did I know Sometimes wJiether I had thee on or no. Thou wertfo thin, and light, that Jome have thought Thee made of that Jaine web Ar?ich.ne. wrought, And fay tJiart ufelefs now, unlefs men pjit Thee like a Cobweb to a finger cut. I love thee flill, for better and for worfe; He that divorced us, let hifn have my curfe. Sure 'twas a red-Nos'd fellow, for I know, He coming near, it was but touch and go. But let him keep thee, for tJiou'lt ufelefs be To him ; thick cloatJis fuit befi with knavery. Day appearing, I got me a ftick out of a hedge, and fo walked in Querpo into the City, I walked up and down, but met with none of my acquaintance on whom I might faften on as a btir. Noon ap- proaching, my belly began to Chime, I thought Wuty ExtrcFvagant 155 all the meat in Eajl-cheap would not lay that fpirit hunger had raifed within me. Coming by a bakers fhop, I pretended to be ignorant of the City, & as I was asking him the way to fuch a place, not caring what, I happily fecured a penny loaf, which I carried off undifcovered ; I thought it not good to cumber my pocket with it, wherefore at two bits I gave it my belly to carry. Surely at that time I had an OJlriches flomack ; every thing I put into my mouth, paffed through me like Quick- filver. Going a little farther, I came to an Or- dinary, where I faw two fitting in a lower Room expe6ling their meat : I fate me down in the next little box to them. Immediately there was brought to them powdred Beef and Turnips ; the young Man that ferved them, came to me, demanding what I would have, I bid him let me alone, and not fpeak too loud, for thofe two which were next me, were my very good friends, and I would ftartle them by and by with my unexpe6led ap- pearance ; at which he left me. Finding my op- portunity, I flipt my hands through a hole, in the form of an heart, which was in the partition that divided us, and laying hold on the Turnips, I fpake aloud. You hoggs, are ye at the Roots ? I will make one among you inftantly, and fo brought out my handful ; having devoured them in a trice, I prefented my felf to their view, and fate down with them : Gentlemen^ faid I, excufe my frollick^ I am hi a inerry humour to day. They concluded what I faid to be a truth, and bad me welcome. Nay^ faid I, meat will come vijlanily as afupply ; and fo it had need, for we made a clear board immediately. Seeing this, they called the boy, taxing him for 156 TJie Englijh Rogue: Or, floth, that he did not bring my meat Sir, faid he, the Gentleman did not order me to bring any ; at which they frown'd, and began to charge me with incivihty. WJiat are ye angry, faid I ? To which they replied Affirmatively : If fo, \ anfwered, (laying my hand upon a full pot of Ale) / value your anger no more tha7i the drinking this Pot, wJiich I /wallowed at two gulps, and fo bid them farewel ; leaving them to call for another Ordinary. w w w w w w w O iw w w w A & O W W W W w W w w w *^ ^ *c?i c?i v^ vsJ^ ^CT^ ^ c?i *c?i *c?i ^ k:^ vc^ ^ y:?i 'c'^ ny Life, and take all I have. His wife (not to encreafe his perplexity) bid him quiet himfelf, there was no harm, nor any like to be done; and withal fo con- vinced him of his folly, both paft and prefent, that he had not a word to fay in his own defence ; he enjoyning us all filence, we were difmifs'd. The next night, to fhow how much he was al- tered from his former temper and belief, he did lye in his Chamber aforefaid, fuppofedly haunted, and that fame night with much joy, my Miftrefs and I renewed our pleafures. Wifty Extravagant. 183 CHAP. XVIII. How his Mijlrefs fiipplyed him with money, even to fiiperjltiity ; what w ayes he had to fpend it. He is tempted io deJlrii6lio7i by CorreSlors, (alias) Clippers, and Coyners (alias) Matter-men. T Found my Eftate to encreafe abundantly, for I was half fharer my felf with my Mafter; my Miftrefs fhe put in for one too, which I had like- wife; fo that the good man received but the fourth, I had been (fmce my return) very fpar- ing in my expence, having laid up my money fecurely : But now finding out another rich Mine, I thought I fhould be too rich, unlefs I contrived wayes to draw out, as well as put in. In the firft place, I thought good to buy a brace of good Geldings, for by that means I could meet whom I pleas'd, though a dozen or fixteen miles diftance, and fo by the quickncfs of return come home undifcover'd. If occafion fhould ferve, they might very well ferve for the High Pad. Thefe I bought, and where they ftood, I had four or five feveral fuits, either to Ride withal, (ufmg variety that I might pafs incognito) or to wear when I did intend to appear fplendidly to peculiar friends ; and then the Prodigal himfelf did not fpend his money more profufely than my felf. 1 84 The Englifh Rogiie : Or, I judge it unneceffary to relate how, and in , what manner I disburft great fums, fince there are few that are addi6led to pleafure, and have money, but know how to lay it out to the fatis- fa6lion of their defires, that is, to pleafe all their fenfes. My Miftrefs feldome faw a piece of Gold in her Husbands hands, or fome large and great piece of Silver, but fhe would be begging it of him, for no other intents but to give it me; which fhe took delight in, withal, knowing that frequent prefents very much ingage the af- fe6lion. My Mafter feldom denyed her, (for like a Cuckold he doted on his Wife) but if he did, fhe would take pet, and would not eat, have the fore- head bound down with a crofs-cloth, look piti- fully, and the like. If he askt her what fhe ailed, or what fhe was troubled at, fhe would fay, at no- thing more than your unkindnefs, and then weep bitterly: for, like a right Hypocrite, fhe had tears at command. The Dotard would melt too, fome- times the great Calf crying and fobbing, like a child that hath lofl his Bread and Butter : Then to make his atonement, he muft procure her two or three pieces, if he hath them not in the houfe ; otherwife it fhall coft him as much more wealth on the Do6lor, of whom fhe would often pretend to take Phyfick, but it fhould be only rich Cordi- als, flrengthning Jellies, with fuch like Provocati- ons to Venery. For my own part, I was not idle in the mean time, laying up like the careful Bee for Winter. We returned great fums of money every day, which an acquaintance of mine knew very well ; Witfy Extravagant. 185 and he being dayly in the company of a fellow, who was both CQvner and Clipper, it feems a decayed Goldfmith, undone by the ftudy of Chy- miftry, but now lived by fome particular part thereof, as the tranfmutation of Metal, or fo forth. This man he informs that he knew a young Cafheer, that he thought he could work to their purpofe, who was very well qualified for it. An appointed time for meeting was agreed upon be- tween them, which was made known to me : I thought of no other defign but to be merry. Being met, we drank ftifly, but ever and anon the ftranger would befeech me to favour him with my future acquaintance, that he fhould think himfelf very happy, if I would admit him into a familia- rity. I could do no lefs than promife fo much, and fo Ikying afide ceremonies, we entered into a very familiar difcourfe. But for that night there was nothing propounded, neither was it thought convenient: feveral times we met, (not without great expence) fo that now we were grown inti- mately acquainted. Our difcourfe hapned on a time to be about Chymyftry, I was forced to be mute, as not underftanding any thing thereof; yet I could not but admire, to hear my new friend relate what admirable Rarities he could perform in that myfterious Art, and thereupon Ihew'd me a piece of Gold, demanding my opinion what I thought of it.^ I told him I could judge no lefs, but that it was what it feemed to be; he fmilingly rcply'd. No wonder that this fhould deceive you, fmce it will do the like to the moft critical Goldfmith about the Town : No doubt, faid he, you have heard of the 1 86 The Englifh Rogtie: Or, Philofophers Stone, and what vafl Eftates fome have mif-fpent in the fearch thereof, how inefifeftu- al the labour of fuch hath been, the miferablenefs of their condition makes apparent. Others, and not a few, have pretended they have obtain'd the maftery thereof, for no other intent then to de- lude fome wealthy credulous perfon, making fome ridiculous experiments to confirm his belief, and at laft extraft him to the very lees of his Eflate. I fhall not deludingly pretend to any thing, but what I will perform, which your own eyes fhall atteft. Hereupon he fhew'd me various pieces, both Gold and Silver, which are the efife6ls (faid he) of my own labour and pains, imployed in an Art I have found out by the curious fearch and induftry of my brain, with which I can convert Copper into that Metal which current money is compofed of, either of which, according to the Tin6ture I fhall give it. And to be plainer with you, out of that great love I have born ever fince I firft faw you, and that my a6lions fhall make it apparent, fee here this piece, according to the term of Art given, it is called a black Dog, with Queen Elizabeths Head thereon, which is only Pewter double wafhed. This here is a George plateroon, being all Copper within, and only a thin Plate about it. Another called Compojitum, which is a mixt Metal, and will both touch and cut, but will not endure the fiery teft. He gave me the fight likewife of Pieces of Eight, half pieces and quarter pieces. Then again (faid he) our own Coyn we ufually call Englijli Cloth, the other Spanijh ; the prices whereof are feveral, ac- cording to their goodnefs and finenefs : The beft you may have for iSjh. the yard, /. e. five fhillings Wit^y Extravagant. 187 in the pound profit; the worfer for eight, ten, or more. Now to the intent that I may compleat your happinefs here, if enjoyment of Wealth will do it, I would advife you to take fome of every fort, and fo mingle it with the reft of your good cafh, proportionably to the fum. Let me add one thing more, if any large money comes to your hand, lay it afide for me, which after I have cor- re6led a little, (for broad brim' d Hats are not now in faJJiion) I will return it, allowing you 18 pence per pound intereft. I gave him all this while great attention, with- out the leaft interruption; but he here making a ftop, I thought he expe6led my replication; which was to this effe6t, That I thankt him cordially for his refpefts, which I believed were real, having ufed that freedom with me, that I did not in the leaft queftion the greatnefs of profit that would redound by the acceptance of his proffer; but it being a matter of the greateft confequence, and higheft concern, I defired I might have fome time for confideration. This anfwer made him look blank, fearing left I made a demur only to betray him, fo that I faw by his countenance, he wifht he had been more fparing in his expreflions. I muft needs confefs, I trembled all the time I was in his company, wherefore I made all the hafte I could to be gone, giving him to under- ftand, that after ferious confultation with my felf, I would fend him an anfwer by my friend, and fo I took my leave of him. The whole night fol- lowing I fpent in weighing his Propofals in the ballance of profit and prefervation : I quickly found that Life's prefervation outweigh'd all 1 88 TJie EftgliJJi Rogue: Or, other intereft, and that honour, riches, and plea- fure would avail Httle to that man that was rid- ing Poji to the Gallows. Befides, how could I expe6l to efcape better than others, who were frequently made wretched fpe6lacles of rafh im- prudence and folly, who, having forfeited the Kings high and juft difpleafure, did ufually be- tray their own felves to the Severity of the Law in that cafe ; which hath as little Commiferation on fuch as on the worft of Offendors ? Though I had committed feveral things that might come within the verge of an Tndidlment, yet I always fhunned fuch a6lions as bore the infcription in their front, Memento mori. To be as good as my promife, I fent my Chimift thefe confequent Lines. SIR, You feemingly do prober fair, but know, Ha7iging attends fuch kindneffes you fJtow. The hope of profit tempts me; lofs of life OWepowWs perfwafions, a7id fo ends theflrife. Had I tzvo Lives, my deeds fhould tnake it known, Hozv little 1 would care to hazard one; But having folely ofte, I will not try Its lofs; as yet I have no mind to dye. SJwuld we proceed then, and be takejt in it; Death and damnatio7i feize us in a minute. Ceafe then, and let your fa^icy' s fuit with mine, We I plot no Treafon, but to get good Wine : That being had, let each man's face declare Th' Indian Mines not fo rich as ours are. If we want Coyn, the bed way, I fuppofe. Is to tranfmtite the Metal of my Nofe. Witty Extravagant. 189 I never receiv'd anyanfwer to what I wrote, nei- ther did I ever fee my new friend after, which was according to my own defire, but I heard of his fad deftiny, whereof I fhoiild have participated, had I hfted my felf in that Mettle-fimulating Regiment. Some found out operating in the obfcureft thic- kets of woods ; others were detefled cHpping in dark Concaves on Black-heath, and their Ring- leader difcovered in his own houfe, in a deep Vault befitting his purpofe ; who, though he had timely notice to remove his tools, yet, by his Sei- zers they were found hid in aChimney-mantletree, hollowed to that intent, with a fhutter at the end. After the difmal cataftrophe of thefe Hazardous fools, I had like to have been put to a great trou- ble, though not in the leaft guilty of the accufa- tion : and thus it was ; an indigent Hanger-on, having taken notice of my being once or twice in the company of the chief of thofe lately executed, came to me one Evening, and requefted fome private difcourfe : I confented : being together (laying afide feveral Formalities that ufhered in his difcourfe) he told me, that I was taken notice of as a notorious difperfer of Counterfeit money, and that there was a warrant out to apprehend me, and, that out of pure love to a man fo young and fair- ly promifing as my felf, bethought himfelf bound in duty to preferve if he could, by giving timely notice to fhun that, which, if negle6led might prove defl:ru6live. I immediately faw the Rogue peep through the Vizard of diffimulation, and therefore inftead of giving thanks I gave him a blow over both the eyes, to the intent he Ihould 1 90 The Englijh Rogue : Or, not fee how I would beat him, which was in fuch a manner, that he could not fee himfelf for three days afterward. This fellow I underflood to be a Dunner for the Prifoners of their confederates a- broad ; and if they would not continually let down their milk, impeach them, and were often condemn'd. Witiy Extravagant. 191 CHAP. XIX. He breaketh his Majier (by the help of his Mijirefs) andfofetsupforhimfelfwith that money he had unlawfully gotten inhis Apprenticefhip, atid credit befides: what a trick he ferved his M after at lajl: Ids Mafler and Miflrefs foon after dfd. But to proceed, now I had ferved my time, and was accordingly made free ; but follicited by my Mafter to ftay fome longer time as a Journey- man, which I confented to, knowing it could not be long : for we had fo purloined from him. that it was impoflible for him to fubfift any longer. His Creditors vifited him daily, fo that now his whole time was taken up in ftudying fair promifmg words to fatisfie them for the prefent, and tell them when they fltoidd cofjte again. My Mafter perceiving the danger he was in, would neither ftir abroad, no, not fo much as come into the Shop. He now ftanding upon the brow of a very high Hill, and being forced to defcend, I re- folved to fave him the labour, and fo threw him down headlong. By this time I had conveyed away a fufficient quantity of his Goods, intending them for my own ufe ; and ftowed them in a Warehoufe which I 192 The EngliJJi Rogue: Or, had lately taken privately for mypurpofe. My Ma- fter one night told me his intended defign, that he was refolv'd to pack up all his Goods, and to ga- ther in what moneys he could, and fo take his wife with him for Ireland, I thought I fhould have dy'd at firft when I heard him talk of carrying his wife with him, and could not forbear dropping fome tears ; which he perceiving, his trickled down his Cheeks to bear mine company. Well now, faid he, I fee thou loveft me too, as well as thou haft hitherto proved faithful. But the deareft friends muft part (& with that he wept again like a child) however my comfort is, I hope we fhall fee each other in Heaven. I thought with my felf, I had rather fee him in the Counter. And from that mi- nute I contriv'd how I might effe6l it : For at that time I fhould never have been able to have brookt a feparation between my Miftrefs and felf, efpeci- ally at fo great diftance. She and I often confulted what to do; Sometimes we were in the mind to take what money the old fool had, and fo run a- way together, with many ftratagems which we propounded ; but werereje6led as no ways expedi- ent nor convenient. At laft I refolved on this, that fhe fhould acquaint her felf of the exa6l time and way he intended to go, and fo inform me there- of. I receiv'd information in a fhort time after, that before break of day, at fuch a time he would take Horfe at Iflingt07i, and fo for Winchejier. I imme- diately fent away word to one of his chiefeft Cre- ditors, making known to him the fum and fub- ftance of every thing, and, that if ever he .ex- pe6led to receive what was due to him, he muft at fuch a time have Officers ready to way-lay him. Wilfy Extravagant. 193 in order to his arreft, which was pun6tually done according to what inftru6tions I fent him in a let- ter, without a name fubfcribed thereunto. He had not been long in cuftody, before I was fent for, to advife with him what was beft to be done in this his great extremity and perplexity. I could do no lefs than feemingly condole his misfortunes, and withal feemed to be very a6live as to his affi- ftance, running up and down to his Creditors to bring them to a compliance ; but he had been better to have fent fome perfon elfe as foUicitor in his bufmeffe, for by my means I made his wound incurable. Seeing there was no remedy but pati- ently to endure his inevitable imprifonment, he got an Horfe (as fome men term it) alias a Duce fades, and fo remov'd himfelf to Lndgate, where he had not been long e're he dy'd for grief. In the mean time my Miftrefs had fecured what he had, which I enjoy'd. I had now an Houfe and Shop of mine own, very well furnifht ; but withal I was grown fo deboift and profufively lavifh, that I feldom was at home but at night, and then in bed with my Miftrefs, who was very importunate with me to marry her : I confeffe I loved her intirely as my Miftreffe, or Whore, but I hated her as my Wife, knowing very well that if fhe would be an Whore to me, and have an Husband, fhe would be fo to another when I was in the formers place. She now found her felf with Child ; whereupon (taking upon Iter my duty) fhe daily prefl me to fave her Credit. But I delay'd, putting her off continually with fpecious pretences, which her love and facilenefs eafily fwallow'd. The time of her delivery approaching, I went down into the O 194 The E7igliJJi Rogue : Or, Country with her ; and becaufe it was at hand, I ftay'd to fee the event : Within a fhort while fhe fell in labour (now becaufe we were known for no other than Man and Wife,) when her throws came upon her, (he would not let me flir out ot the room. Her pain growing intollerable, fhe cal- led me haftily to her, and getting my hand with- in hers ; Farewel, faid fhe, I dye for thee ; thy laft unkindneffe in not performing thy promife, and not returning love anfwerable to mine, hath un- timely yielded my days : with that fhe groaned, and then ufmg her former expreffions, cryed out, Love my memory however, fmce I die for thee. She uttered not one word afterwards, being as good as her word : The good woman lookt ftrange- ly on me, every one paffing their verdift, and all concluding her none of my Wife. The Jirji Chrifti- ans under the great Perfecution, fuffered not in 500 years fo many feveral wayes, as I did in five hours, by the peoples Tongues. I muft needs fay, I took it very much to heart, that Report, which made Richard the Second alive fo often after he was dead, fhould kill me as often whilft alive ; defiring them at lafl to wave their Cenfures (which they expreft publickly) I intreated them with all the Rhetorick I could produce to endeavour the revi- ving of my Wife, which if pafl recovery, to ufe means to preferve the Child. In a fhort time they told me that was dead likewife. At firft I fhowed much grief, which was unfeigned, being not fo much afflifted for the lofs of her, as affefted with thofe words fhe uttered when fhe breathed her lafl. I was too confcious of my own guilt, and there- fore they made the deeper impreffion in my very Soul. Wii^ Extravagant. 195 But all thefe perturbations of mind I diffipated with a glafle or two of Canary, which was the common antidote I us'd againft care, forrow, and vexation, &c. I now provided things neceffary for her Funeral, which were not vulgar; which I might the better do, having made my felf her Executor before, taking all fhe had into my cuftody. In me- morial of her, and her fidelity, I wrote this Epi- taph on her Tombflone. Women they fay will lye, but now I fee 'Tis falfe, to t/i lafl fhe fpake the truth to me. Farewel faid fhe, I thought my grief f Jiave hid, I die for love of thee, and fo fhe did. Here with fier lies her Child, that fir ove in vain To untomb it felf, to be intomb'd again. But refl my babe, thy cares with life are gone, Thou'lt rife again, though now afetting Sun. Though wonders ceafe, thy Mot^iers death doth prove They may revive, for fhe did die for love. CHAP. XX. His credit becomes fufpe6led by his exorbitant man- ner of living in Drinking, W Storing, Gaming, &c. He thinks tofawder up that crack by Marriage ; he is deceived both in P erf on and Portion. REtuming to my own Habitation, I found that my fo longabfence had raifed a jealou- fie in my Neighbours breafts, that I was run away; O 2 196 The Englijh Rogue: Or, which refted not there, but fpread like a Canker, fo that this flying report came to fome of my Credi- tors ears, which made them both impatient and importunate with me for their moneys ; I won- dered whence proceeded their unexpe6led hafte. Some that would not be put off with promifes, I was forced to pay ; from others I obtained a little longer forbearance, which gave me but liberty to profecute my former courfes. If I was at the Ta- vern, I was either drunk, ingaged in a quarrel, and fo involv'd in blood ; or elfe at play, if not at a Bawdy houfe, which places I could not refrain from frequenting, though I kept one ofrny own at home. For I would not entertain a Maid, but what was more than ordinarily handfome, whom I com- monly vitiated either by prefents, or promifes if I got them with child. When I was weary of one, I paid her off, with fome additions to her wages, and entertain'd another, who would in a fhort time be wrought upon as well as her predeceffors, being ambitious to lie with her Mafler, and vainly ho- pingthatto bethefirflfteptoher preferment, think- ing of nothing but prefently marrying, and fo be Mifbrefs. In three years that I lived as a Mafter 1 had nine illegitimates, which I knew, four where- of were begotten of my Maids, which put me to a vaft expence. Two of the Mothers would have forced me to have married them, or allowed them competent maintenance (for they were fubtil cunning baggages ) had I not by a wile got them aboard a Veffel bound for Virginia, and never heard of them fmce. Defides two or three ter- rible Claps, which cofl me a confiderable fum in their cure. This diftemper, as it caufed a confump- IViUy Extravagant. igy tio7i in my Pocket, fo it impaired my wonted ftrength, and almoft fpoiled my natural Talent. For now it is much like PaiWs Steeple ttirn'd A Jiately thing before the top was burn'd, I tlovt began to be fenfible of my folly, and fo refolved to take up in time, and redeem by de- grees my loft credit by a temperate fober life; but that I found I had wafted my felf extremely, by which means I became leffe capable of reacting what I had before done, and my mind in a man- ner fatiated, I queftion whether I fhould have had now fuch penitent thoughts. For a while I kept my Shop diligently and conftantly ; I would not drink with any but at home ; my fudden altera- tion made people admire, and the fuddenneffe of my reformation was the common difcourfe of all my Neighbours : The Parfon of our Parifh hear- ing of my ftrange alteration, came to me, which I admired at ; for before, he that had the leaft care or refpe6t of his Reputation, would avoid all occafions of being feen in my company, left they might be fufpe^led extravagant and deboift. Pares cum paribus facilime congregantur. Birds of a Feather will flock together. The fhortnefs of his hair declar'd him a member of the Circumcijion, but his triple cap, or three caps on hishead,fhew'd,thoughhehatedthe very name oiRome or Babylon,ye:t he lov'd formerly a Whore in private, though common. His Cloak was fac'd down with zeal before, and his Band appear'd but as a broad Item, to fhew that a hem, -withtwo or three formal /pits, or a feigned Cough.was the ufual fup- ply of his difcourfe, when he had thrafht himfelf in 198 Tlie Efiglijh Rogue : Or, his Cloak out of breath in the Pulpit. His looks re- fembledthe bleer-ef d Printmg at Geneva (and his face like that fort of ragged paper on which they work off their impreflions. After he had fet his face into a Platform, he delivered himfelf I fhall not relate exaftly his own canting words, or what he borrowed from Scripture, being fenfible, non ejl tutum ludere cum facris, but give you the fub- ftance, which was firft a reproof for my extrava- gancies : fecondly, fome general inftruftions, (pickt out of a common-place Book) for my fu- ture praftice : and laflly, fome encouragements drawn from various motives to proceed (without looking back) toward a good life : on which three points he ran divifions ftrangely, till Dinner-time, and then his ftomach petitioned him to fhut his mouth, left it fhould be deprived of its appetite by receiving in too much air. In this feeming ftri6lnefs of life I lived two or three months, and now fome began to have cha- ritable thoughts of my Soul : & that I might regain my runnings out by future diligence and induftry. I had feveral Matches offered me, which I faw, but liked them not ; for I had always been a gene- ral lover, and could not now come to particulars. At laft it was my misfortune to fee one, whom I was wifht to ; and which at firft fight robbed me at once, both of my felf and good company. Formerly I was pleafmg and affable, defirous and defired of good fociety, but never lived till now din Anchorite on earth. Neither did I ever till now tie up mine eyes to one particular face, giving them free liberty to wander. But now at laft I fell from my primitive liberty, lofmg it totally, by dotage on a Creature, and that a Woman Witiy Extravagant. 199 too : a juft judgement on me for my mani- fold fms, to throw this thing in my way for me to ftumble at. And it will appear in its due place that (he was a bowd token of my Maker's difpleafure fent me, for flie was Crooked. CHAR XXL How Jie was married, and w/iat kind of thing his Wife. I Made fi:ri6l enquiry after the condition of my intended Wifes Parents, and found by report they were very wealthy. In a (hort time we had conference together about the Portion, and my Eftate, and therein we were all fatisfied. My Courtlhip was very Noble, yet not Prodigal, for fear of giving offence ; and in a little while we were married. By her looks I thought her fo mo- deft, that an unchafte thought durft not enter into her head, fince all immodeft expreflions fhe bani- ihed from her ears. The firft night I thought to have had the firfl; tafU, but my experience told me the Tarriers had been there before. This ftruck me into an amazement, that there fhould appear fuchVirgin- whitenefs,and the extrafl of innocence in her face, yet be guilty of a crime fo notorious. Much per- plext I was, but durft not vent my felf, what was more than bare fufpition. In one half years time what I intended to conceal could be hid no long- er, being brought to bed three months before her time ; and yet the Bawd her Midwife would make 200 TJie EtigUP^i Rogue: Or, me believe this was ufual ; and that Children brought forth at fix months might Hve. Now began our domeftick Civil Wars, which was carried on with fuch fury between us, that there was hardly an Utenfil in the Kitchin that could reft in quiet from flying about our ears con- tinually. My Wife a6led the Silent Woman to the life, whileft in a fmgle ftate ; for before we were married all her anfwers were very fhort, compre- hended within the two Monofyllables of /, and No; and thofe two muft be forcibly extra6ted from her. But now her tongue wagg'd in a perpetual motion, and her voice fo fhrill and loud, that it would be heard diftin6lly, though a piece of Ord- nance were difcharged near her at the fame time, or ftanding at the Bell-room-door whileft the Bells were ringing. Frequent were her complaints to her Father and Mother, which alienated their affe6lion from me, fo that their only ftudy was how to be rid of me. Her forgeries (to excufe her own Devilry) had fo inftigated them, that they fought my ruine by all wayes imaginable. Be- fides they laid an hnbargo on the reft of my Wives portion unpaid ; advifmg her withal to fecure what fhe could, for her own felf-preferva- tion. She followed their inftru6lions fo exa6lly, that in a fliort time I found my felf in a very decli- ning condition, yet knew not the caufe, till it was too late, conveying away both my goods and mo- ney, fome whereof went to fupply the neceffities of her Stallion. I was all along jealous of this, though I could not conclude her altogether fo culpable. But my doubts and fears which of all are the fharpeft paf- IVitty Extravagant. 201 fions, could not turn this diftemper into a difeafe (although they lookt through falfe Opticks, ma- king things appear like evening fhadows, difpro- portionable to the truth, and ftrangely longer than the true fubftance) till knowledge hereof (confirmed me by the witneffes of my eyes) had banifht bare fufpition. Which was thus, One night I caufed my felf to be brought home by a Porter as dead drunk ; my Wife received me in that condition (I perceived by peeping out of my eye-lids) with much fatis- fa6lion, and was immediately carried up to bed ; with much difficulty they undreft me, pretending my felf afleep all this while, and fo they left me. It feems by the ftory that my Wife prefently fent a- way the Maid (which was her Pimp) to her friend to come at fuch an hour. About nine of the clock the Maid was polled to bed ; and abouttenlheard one fmall knock at the door : he needed not to knock there any longer, for there was one below that was ready to receive him. When I judg'd they were incircled in each others arms, (which I un- derftood by hearkning at the bottom of the ftairs, and thereby knew whereabout they were) I ran in upon them with my Sword (which I had prepa- red ready) & thinking to have run them through the body, intending to make a paffage for their Souls efcape, I pad my Sword through the flefhy part of both their thighs. At which they made a moft hideous outcry, fo that the Maid came run- ning down : and a Watchman that flood juft at my door hearing the noife, knockt at the door,toknow what was the matter; the Maid apprehending the danger, let him in, who by the help of his Candle, never faw fo ftrange a fight ; for I had fo pin'd 202 T}ie Englijh Rogue : Or, them together, that they could not ftir. As well as they could fpeak, they both begg'd their par- don for their lives only, which I granted, as look-- ing on my revenge fomewhat fatisfied. My Gentleman I difmift, but as for his Miftrefs I was forced to fend for a Chyrurgeon, whofe wound needed no probing, but tenting, for it was through and through. There was no concealing of what was done ; wherefore in the morning early I acquainted her Parents with what had happen'd laft night, infifting further, that fmce fhe had in- ftead of putting off handfomly the Chain of Ma- trimony, rudely broke it, it fhould be her own da- mage; neither would I be at the coft of a vifitation to repair the breach. To which I added, that had I deny'd her things requifite and neceffary, or not performed duly my duty, fhe might have had fome pretence for her flighting me, and look upon me only as a falfe Crow fet up in a Garden, to keep others from the fruit it cannot tafte it felf. But fmce it was otherwife, and that fhe had nothing to obje6l againft me, but onely fometimes curbing her inordinate defires ; I wifht them to fave me the labour of having the Law to tear her from me, but that they would remove her elfewhere. They reply'd but little, haftning to their daugh- ter ; and fearing worfe mifchief might enfue, they inftantly conveyed her into the Country. She had not remained there long, before fhe was cured, and not enduring to be confined to folitarinefs, repaired again to the City, where now fhe lives, as fuch do that keep Civet-Cats ; but I hear fhe is very referved to all but fuch fhe knows (he may intruft her felf with. But let her go with thefe Lines pin'd to her back. IVitfy Extravagant. 203 T^ure never yet was woman made, Nor JJiall, but to be curjl ; And oh ! that I (fond I)JhouldfirJi Of any Lover This Truth at my own charge to other Fools dif cover. Ye that have promised to your f elves Propriety ifi Love ; Know womens hearts like flraws do move, And wJiat we call Their Sympathy, is but love to jet in getieral. All Mankind are alike to them ; And though we Iron find That never zvith the Loadfione joyn*d, ' Tis not the Irons fault, It is becaufe the Loadfione yet was never brought. If where a gentle Bee hath fallen And laboured to his power, A new fucceeds not to that flower. But paffeth by (thigh. ' Tis to be thought tJte Gallant elfewhere loads his For flill the flowers ready fland ; One buzzes round about. One lights, one tafls, gets in, gets out. All always ufe them, (them. Till all t/ieir fweets are gone, and all again refufe However, I muft confefs my own faults, as well as condemn others ; which was, I was too inquifi- tive after that, which the more I knew, would the more diflurb me. Of all things the lefs we know, the better. Curiofity in this renders a man as ridi- culous a Coxcomb, as that Cuckold Sir John 204 T^^^ EngliJJi Rogue: Or, Suckling mentioneth, who made diligent enquiry, whether he was made fo in a bed, or on a Couch, and whether his duty-officiating CavaHer pulled off his Spurs firft or not, &c. Well, it was my hard fate to Marry thus like one doom'd to prifon, who expe6ling to lie in a pri- vate room, is confined to the Hole. Had I married the beft, I believe I fhould have found my felf in the Stocks. 'Tis fbrange that I of all men fhould bedeceiv'dbythisthingthatwas like a box bearing drugs not fuitable to the infcription. Had not my paffion hung in my eyes, when I lookt into her dif- pofition and carriage, I might have eafily under- ftood that her behavior in the prefence of me was only like a6lion on a publick Stage, and that the evil of her natural inclinations were hid from me under the vail of filence and feeming modefty. And indeed my pallate was bed-ridden, and fo fcarce fenfible of fauce, much lefs of meat. But fmce I have had fuch ill-luck in marriage, which fome vainly and falfly account a merry-age, I fhall in the enfuing Difcourfe give you fome inftru- 6lion or advice as Land-marks. For having fplit upon this Rock, I may the better be a Pylot to another that would fail this way. CHAP. X X I I. Some Obfervations concerning L ovea?td Women ; fe- le^ed out of the choiceJiCommentators on their na- ture, toget/ter with his own experimentalreflclions. IOve 'tis confeft is a Natural diftemper, a kind ^ of fmall Pox ; moft have either had it, or is to Witty Extravagant. 205 expert it, and the fooner the better. Surely I was never well cur'd on't, or elfe I had not thus fallen in a Relaps. Want of knowledge mifguided me at firft, and fo I fell into a Quagtnire ; but I knew not what poffefl me to ride afterward into ano- ther on purpofe. Love-feeds when it grows up to Matrimony is good for nothing, like fome Fruit- trees which muft be tranfplanted before they will bring forth any thing. And when Love in this nature doth feed, the encreafe thereof is diflatis- fa6lion, forrow and vexation multiplied. This afore-mentioned is not truly love but lufl ; for I cannot believe that that noble paflion can be the ruine of its fubjeft; neither would I have it difpa- raged by fo unworthy an obje6l as a woman. If there be Love, it fhould be to Heaven, a male- friend, relations, or our Countries prefervation, and not to a Female-piece of imperfe6lion. And yet nothing will ferve the turn, but monopolizing it by Marriage, becaufe we would makeit furelyour own, and neverthelefs our own till then. For if fhe be young, fhe is like an Hawk upon her wing; and if fhe be handfome, fhe is the more fubje6l to go out at check. Faulkners that can but feldom fpring right game, fhould ftill have fomething to take them down. The lure to which all ftoop in this World, is either garnifht with profit or pleafure, and when you cannot throw her the one, you muft be content to (hew out the other. Confider again that woman (befides the trouble) is a Rent-charge which though the curiofity of man hath often in- clofed, yet he cannot for his life flop fo well one gap, but it will lie open for any ftragler; by which means it feldom improves or becomes fruitful. And why fhould a woman be denyed the liberty 2o6 The Englijh Rogue : Or, of breaking a pane in her own window, or not admitted the freedom of regrefs to her own falli- port, letting in whom fhe efteems as friends ? If you will not give them the permiflion, you muft be forc'd to wink when they take it, or do worfe: croffe them, and they will endeavour the not lea- ving a crofle in your Pocket. Take it which way you will, Marriage is the deareft way of curing love. Faring with fuch, as it doth with thofe for the moft part that at great charges walls in grounds and plant, who cheaper might have eaten Mellons elfewhere, than Cucumbers in their own Garden. Befides, it is a grofs piece of ignorance to be bound up to love for an age, when the caufe of love may perifh for a month, and then the effe6l will follow. If it be natures paint in the face, that doth induce you ; thofe beautiful flowers of red and white, a difeafe will quickly wither; if not, ravifhing time will deflowre the choiceft beauty. But the ill confequents of Marriage are more to be confidered, which are commonly drawn from the evil inclinations of that Sex ; ve by ftumb- lingat the Serpents SoUicitations caft her Husband out of Paradice ; nor are her Daughters furer of foot, being foundred by the heat of lufl and pride. It were fomthing if Marriage could anfwer the ex- pe6lation of all fhe boafts the cure of; for inftead of quenching the hot coals of concupifcence, it ag- gravates the fimple fm of Fornication, making it fprout into Adultery. What might be faid more as to this fubjefl, I fhall refer the Reader to the Writings of that ingenious Gentleman Mr. Francis Osborne. If any more (like boys ftript and ftand ftiivering about the brink) are ready to leap into Loves Whirl-pit, and fo endanger the lofs of IVii/y Extravagant. 207 themfelves, let them firft look upon love to be an idle fancy, and Wedlock of a dangerous con- fequence. If I could perfwade you from loving, one would think the other then would be difre- garded, but fome to their cofls can fpeak the con- trary. In the firft place, marry none but whom you love : for he that marries where he doth not love, will love where he did not marry. If you are prone to love one particular perfon, fome are of opinion that travel is an excellent remedy: For abfence doth in a kind remove the caufe, removing the obje6t. Others think that frequent vifits (where as the rarity of them indears the affe6tion) may by a furprizal difcover fome defefts, which though they cure not abfolutely, yet they qualifie the ve- hement heat of an amorous Feavor : and as near as can be, let it be unfeafonably, either when fhe is in fickneffe or diforder, by that a man may know fhe is but mortal, and but a woman ; the laft would be enough to a wife man for an Antidote. Enter into difcourfe with her of things fhe daily hears not, and it will confirm the cure. Neither will it be amifs to contrive your felf into the com- pany of variety, efpecially fuch beauties which are generally cry'd up ; and if you can, tafte them all, (but now I think on't, it is no matter, one is fufficient for a furfeit) for this Malady is better remedy'd this way, than by abftinence : good jo- vial company will much conduce to the cure. But, I like not the prefcription of Marriage, fince it is the laft and moft dangerous receipt ; like a kind of live Pigeons apply'd to the foals of the feet, which remedy to fay truth, is worfe than the difeafe : Were it poflible for a Woman to be 2o8 TJie Englijh Rogue : Or, conftant to one, fomething might be faid, but I never yet tryed any which did not very much fhew their difpleafures when offered fome kindnefs, but never found any to refufe them, if opportunity & privacy of place admitted their reception ; which hath made me often in my own thoughts queftion my mothers honefty and fidehty to my Father. What I now utter, is not derived from preju- dice to that Sex, grounded on my own Wifes dif- ioyalty ; but experience tells me this, which moft paft fixteen very well underftand, that there are few Women, let them pretend what they pleafe, but will yield to the temptations of the flefh, and fo much the fooner, by how much fhe profeffeth fome new light, which is Ignis fatuus that leads them into the Quagmires of all forts of erronious Tenents. With this dark Lanthorn-Light they dazle the eyes of fuch as would pry into their a- 6lions, whiles behind in the dark they fenfually fatisfie themfelves undifcovered. Experience di6lates what I here exprefs; for I have had converfe with feveral of thefe Religious pretenders, that in the very a6l would very much inveigh againfl Adultery with their tongues, whilft their Bloods willingly confented to the commiffion of that fm, and then immediately after feem ex- tremely penfive,ufmg thefe and fuch like formal ex- prefTions: Fie, fie, I wofuier hoiv you durjl fi.n thus, even before the face of your Creator. Do you think he fawyou not? yea verily, and you fhall anfwer for what you have now done ; whereas it could never have been done without a mutual confent. They will make it their daily difcourfe, fpeak- JViftjy ExtravagaJit. 209 ing againft fuch whofe natural inclinations have prompted them to unlawful fatisfa6lion of their luft, and yet they themfelves are at the fame time lludying how they may fecretly and fecurely ac- complifh the fame thing. To conclude, Woman in general is the very ex- tra6l of inconftancy, and therefore it is but a vain thing for any to think fhe can abfolutely love one man. Such who are found conftant to their Huf- bands, preferring their welfare before the indulg- ing of their own by-refpefls, ought to be lookt on no lefs then Miracles of their Sex, by fuch who are acquainted generally with Female difpo- fitions and actions. CHAP. XXIII. He Cheats his Creditors by knavi/h breaking, and rnns away fro77i Ireland, He is Shipwrackt on the IJle of Man. WHihl my credit was good, I thought good to make ufe of it, left that failing, I fhould want an opportunity to march off with flying Co- lours. To raife my repute amongft my Neigh- bours (whom I knew would fpread abroad what they had feen) I caus'd a Porter (whom I could in- truft) to carry out privately an hundred pound, and a little while after to come with a trufty friend of mine with that, and five or fix hundred pound bags more on his back, openly carrying them. Upon my receipt hereof, I prefently tumbled the P 2IO The EngliJJi Rogue: Or^ Money out of the bag (which had really mony in it) on the Counter, purpofely making a great noife: having told it over (my friend ftanding by the while) I put it up ; and pretending to lay that afide and take another, I took up the fame again^ fo doing till I had told it over five or fix times ;. then writing in publike view a Receipt, with much civility and refpe6l I difmift my Gentleman. And this did I thrice in a months time ; fo that by this, means without fufpition I conveyed away a great quantity of my Goods, which people thought I had fold, & therefore thought me to have a great trade. Report hereby rendred me a man of vaft dealing, fo that now I had goods dayly ofifer'd nie, feme whereof I received, promifing to them payment at three moneths, others at fix ; where- as I intended they fhould ftay till her had her twelve Apoftles for .her Jury. What Wares or Moneys I could take up, I did, not mattering at what rate. To fome of the more wary fort I con- feft a Judgment for their fecurity. I needed not to have fpoken in the Singular number, for I deluded four with my Judgments. "What com- modities I had, I converted into money by a bill of Sale, and fo went away, leaving my Credi- tors to fue out a Statute of Bankrupt if they fo pleafed ; which I valued not, if once out of their reach. To my chiefeft Creditor I fent thefe lines, to the intent he fhould not tax me with incivility for going away and not fending him word. Credit doth Jlrengtken fiich whofe Trades are weak^ But too much Credit, Sir, did make me break. Credit to finking Trades-men is a prop , IVtUjy Extravagant. 2 1 1 But hadyoH kept your Wares, Fde kept my Shop. Pray do not blame me. Sir, becaufe I Piow A way to pay tJiofe tnany debts yon owe: Which you may do, if you' I advifed be. Which is in JJtort, prepare to follow me. Believe me, faithftd Sir, in what I Jay, I went before, but to fJiew you the way : But you will not, don't lament your lofs. For in your Mo7iey I do bear the crofs. Grief will diflra^l you, and dejlroy your wit ; Good Sir, preferve it, for f ave paid for it. I rid port for Holy- head m^\vt and day, fo that I arrived there in a very fhort time : going to dif- mount, I tumbled off, neither could I rife again ; continual and unaccuftomed riding had almoft didocated every bone in my body, notwithfland- ing It was fwathed for that purpofe. The next day I made a fhift to walk abroad to view the Ra- rities of the Town, but found nothing rare but handfome Women, Civility, and good Drink In two days time we fet Sail : we had not ran above three Leagues before the Sky darkned ; the Wind blew hard at a South-Eaft, and the Waves rofe mountain-high : In an hours time we were forced to cut our Marts by the board, and lightning the bhip as much as we could, let her drive Every man fell to his Prayers, expefting every moment when they fhould be fwallowed up by the Sea As for my part,.! now thought divine vengeance had overtaken me, and would reckon with me for all my Rogueries ; I lookt on my felf as Jojias, & was much troubled that others fliould fuffcr for my iniquities. About three a Clock in the morn- ing we heard a hideous noife occafioncd by the 212 The Engli/h Rogue : Or, beating of the Sea againft the Rocks, which was ecchoed by the loud and lamentable cries of the Seamen, who now knew there was no hope for us. Now could I pray heartily, that had never pray'd in 'my life before : but my Devotion was foon fpoiled, for the Ship ftruck in between two Rocks. I lookt out, and methought the dafhing of the waves lookt perfe6lly like flafhes of Fire. Here fhe ftuck a little while, which gave five of us op- portunity to leap out upon a Rock : we were no fooner there, before a wave fetcht her off, but brought her on again, and fplit her all to pieces. We five in the mean time riding afhride on a Rock behind one another, like fo many Criminals on a Wooddcn-Jiorfe. Sometimes a wave would ftrike clear over us, which indangered our wafhing off. Sometimes we thought to let go our hold, as look- ing upon our prefervation to be impofTible ; and withal imagining that the tide was coming in. At lafl the hindmoft could hold no longer, but crying, Lord have mercy on my So?d, committed hirnfelf to the mercilefs Sea. Immediately came a tumbling Sea and wafht of the next ; now did I expe6l that every wave would prove my Executioner. But it was not decreed (I fuppofe) that I fhould be drowrf'd. Day broke, fo that we could difcern we were not a Coits caft from Shore, and that the Sea was ebbing. We waited not above an hour before we crawled to Shore, for -go we could not, our joynts were fo benumb'd by the cold. We got up the Beach, and could difcern a little way diftant a fmall Cottage ; thither were repaired with much difficulty, and were kindly entertained, pittyed, and informed where we were. We ftay'd about a y/eek in this I fie of Ma7t, without one farthing Wttfy Extravagant. 213 expence. For the Inhabitants are generally very civil, an d courteous, and efpecially to Strangers. From thence we imbarkt for Dublin. CHAP. XXIV. His Arrival into Ireland : Jie ckangcth his Name: what trick Jie ferv d his firjl Landlady ; all his Money being /pent, and thofe Goods and Coy n like- wife Shipwrackt whieh he expelled to follow him. WE landed at a place called Rijigfend dthoxxt a mile from Dublin. I was askt whether I would have a Coach. Where are there any, faid I.? (for I lookt about me, and could fee nothing like a Coach) the fellow lookt upon me to be a very ignorant perfon, becaufe I underftood not what he meant, and angerly fpake thus : By my Goffips haftd, thou canft not fee very inueh well, arre look here is one by thine own fide. It was a great while before I could tell what language he fpoke, he did fo tone his words; neither could I underftand him, till one {landing by interpreted him. As for his Ringfe?id-CodiCh., as he call'd it, it was Wheel-bar- row fatliion, only it had two Wheels not much bigger then a large Che/JnreCh.Qe.{Q: theHorfethat drew this Princely-pygmy-Chariot, I at firfl mif- took for an over-grown Mafty ; but viewing him narrowly, found him the extra6l (by his fliape) of a Scotch-Hobby ; well, up I mounted, but could not invent a name for the manner of my riding, for I was neither coacht nor carted, but I fancycd my felf (and that juftly) as I was riding, to be fome P3 214 The EngliJIi Rogue : Or, notorious Malefa6lor drawn on a Sledge to the place of execution, which afterwards experimen- tally I found Dublinto be: manyof its Inhabitants call this City Divlin, quaji Divels Inn, & very pro- perly it is by them fo termed ; for there is hardly a City in the world that entertains fuch variety of Devils Imps as that doth. If any knavifhly break, murder, rob, or are defirous of Polygamy, they ftraightway repair thither, making that place, or the Kingdom in general, their Azylum, or San6lu- ary. My firft care was to plant my felf convenient- ly ; the next day I fent for a Barber to fhave all my hair off, ordering him to bring me a Periwigg of an abfolute contrary colour to my own hair, to the intent that if I fliould meet with any of my former acquaintance, they might not know me, whereby I fliould prevent their fending notice to any where I was. The truth of it is, in this difguize I hardly knew my felf. The greateft difficulty I found, was to make my felf familiar with my fi6li- tious name. At firft when my Landlady called me by that name, I either ftar'd her in the face, or lookt behind'me, (not anfwering thereunto) think- ing fhe had fpoke to fome man elfe : but had I not pretended to be thick of hearing, and fo that way apologizing for my filence, my defign might have been marr'd. I daily met with feveral I knew, but would not take the leaft cognizance of them. In this manner I fpent a moneth, but all this while no tidings of my Goods and money ; that which I had brought with me was all confumed. My Landladyp(as it is cuftomary there, having as little truft or faith as they have Religion) called upon me for what I owed her. For a little while, I ftopther mouth, by telling her I had a confiderable Wt/(y Extravagatit. 215 quantity of Goods and Money too coming, which I expe6led by every fair wind. Alittle while after I heard the Ship in which they were was caft away. Now did I abfolutely conclude Gods juft judge- ment attended my fraud and knavery. My lofs I did not in the leaft difcover to any, knowing I fhould reap at firft only fome pitty, and afterwards be undervalued and difrefpefted. My Hoftefs again was very importunate with me to have her Reckoning: I endeavoured to put her off, faying, I expelled daily Bills of Exchange; but fhe would not believe me ; for I perceived that fhe had been often cheated with fuch delufions. Now did I not know what to do : I thought good to try another way ; fhe being a Widdow, I fancyed I could work upon her Female frailty : I ufed all means pofTible to get her alone ; which I did but feldom, and then did I make ufe of all my Rhetorick to perfwade her into a belief how dearly I loved her : fhe replyed little, but would laugh at me till fhe held her fides again. I verily believe fhe underftood my drift, which I might ar- gue from her expreffions. Sometimes fhe would fay. Come, come, away with thefe love-fooleries, and pay me what you owe. Then would I tell her, all I enjoyed, & my felf too, were properly hers, and that fhe might take them when fhe pleafed in- to her poffefTion. No, no, fhe would fay, my youth- ful! days are part:, and it is time for me to look Heavenwards ; wherefore let fall your fuit, &c. Since words would no ways prevail, I refolved to try fomething elfe, knowing how difficult it is for a Woman when in bed to refiife a Venereal proffer. To thatpurpofe one night I came foftly into her Chamber, and groping with my hand for 2i6 The E^iglifh Rogue: Or, her face, I caught a man by the Beard: atwhichhe awaked, and thinking the Devil was come to trim him, or rob him of his Wafh-balls, would have cryed out aloud, but that fear had fo lockt up his voice, that his highefh note was little louder then whifpering ; I could but juft hear him fay, In the name of- what art? I am, faid I, (and then fhe wak'd too) no Ghoft, but a living witnefs of your leachery ; to that intent I came hither, to be fully fatisfied of what I have a long time fuf- pe6led. As for you Madam, your youthful days are pafi, but your luft will endure for ever. If this be your way to Heaven, why were you fo uncharit- able as not to let me go along with you ? As for your part, Sir, I believe that you are traveling that way too ; for if I miftake not, you lately came out of Purgatory. To be fhort, they both intreated me to be filent, and retire to my own lodging, & that in the morning they would treat with me to my full fatisfa6lion. This was what I aimed at, though brought about otherwife then intended. Early they both came to me: the pious Gentlewoman be- ing very tender of her credit, would forgive me my Debt, if I would not blemifh her reputation by my report ; her Gallant gave me ten pieces to bind the bargain: having gotten a difcharge under her hand, I fealed our contraft with an Oath and faithful promife never to divulge their fhame. The Gentleman (though his eftate much exceeded hers) out of fpight, I think, or vexation to be fo caught, incontinently married her, though all former follicitations (which I underftood were many) proved ineffe6lual. Witty Extravagant. 217 CHAP. XXV. He is driven to extreme necejfity ; he defcribes what ii is to be indigent, by what fiefuffered in that con- dition. THis ten pound I received from my old Icache- rous Dotard, made its Exit almoft aflbon as its entrance into my Pocket : by that fum I tliought to have purchafed Mountains in Ireland (and indeed there is too great plenty of them there,) by gaming; but experience told me after- wards that my defign was hazardous, and fo it proved, for I met with a perfon that bubbled me at Hazard, not leaving me a penny, and ingaged befides for my proportion of the Reckoning. My Gamefter "dealt too hardly with me ; yet it was but juft, for I intended to fhow him as little favour, if compell'd to lye at my mercy, which I verily thought would be, having various Utenfils about me to that purpofe, but I was overmacht. / thought my felf fecure, for I coidd top. By which Fve forcd Jonie Cits to leave their Jhop. 1 palind, and put the change upon them too ; J only Jludyed how I might undo. But now I'm met with, 'tis but jujl I fee, Tliat he which otliers cheats, fJioidd cJieated be. I returned to my Lodging, (which was none of the beft) with what anxiety and perturbation of 2i8 TJie EngliJJi Rogue \ Or, mind, I fhall give any loofer leave to imagine, whilft the remembrance thereof enforceth me to fpeak ; and I hope the Reader will give me that liberty, fmce the Proverb intaileth on the loofer that priviledge. I acquainted my Landlord with my misfortune, who feem'd very much to condole me for the prefent, but it was afterwards the occa- fion of his not crediting me. From hence, I will ad- vife all to fpeak as little as they can of ills that be- tide them ; but we cannot difcourfe too much of the good that happens to us. Perceiving my Land- lord grew cold, my fpirit was too high to be any longer beholding to him but for my Lodging ; wherefore I feldom came home till night. Neither would I make known my condition to any that knew me. Sometimes I fhould meet with fome in the ftreet, who would ask me to drink with them ; my ufual anfwer was, I came from it but even now: infifling farther, that fuch a Gentleman, with two or three more befides my felf, had drank lo much, and that I admired at my felf for being fo fober ; whereas to deal ingenuoufly, I had not drank one drop that day. Another feeing me, would ask me whether I would dine with him at the Ordinary } then would I pretend that my Lord Gentleman over-perfuaded me to dine with him, and that we had fuch variety, that I doubted my ftomack had received fome detriment thereby; and therefore beg'd an excufe ; whereas a dry cruft taken out of my Leather Cupboard, was all the varieties the Gentleman- VJher of my fto- mack, my throat I mean, had taken cognizance of that day. So hard it was too, that I would look this way, and that way, not daring to commit it to the engine of my Chops, unlefs there was none Wttty Extravagant. 219 near me within a furlong ; for had there been any- near me, they would have ("worn I was eating Wal- nuts fhells and all. Now did I learn to drink Water, which necefTity made me to commend as the moft foveraign liquor, and moft fuitable to the body of man ; otherwife Adam in Paradife would not have been without a cup of Ale. Every morning I offer'd up my Devotions either to St. Patrick, or St. James, each of which have two excellent Wells dedicated to the honour of their Saintfhips. Thither did I repair conftantly twice or thrice a day : after I had offered up the fumes of fmoke (moft commonly of none of the beft Tobacco) I kneeled, not ufmg the common way of drinking out of the chained iron difh, but with greater adoration fuckt it as it came through the conveyance. After a walk to Kilmamim (about a mile from Dublin) or fome other place to pre- pare my ftomack, I return'dto CJiriJl- Church, fre- quently dining there with Sir Richard Strang-bow. Refiefting on his Cheer, and the Liquor of thofe two Saints, I cannot but tell you my thoughts of both. 5z>* Richard Strang-bow keeps an hoiifewhere Wine And Bread fome flip oji, but few feldom dine. Ask yet an hungry Rambler, and he'll fay, ( Though not one bit came near his motith that day) He plcfitifidly din'd with hi7n,fo lethim fiill Till he hath foimd his empty belly fill. Where I ne're could, %vhich made me hate in fine Sir Richard Strang-bows Feafls, St. Patrick's Wine. I fafled fo long, I had now almoft forgot how 220 The EngliJJi Rogue: Or, to eat : for if cafually I came where meat was, I often made a proffer to convey fomething to my mouth, but my lips underftood not my meaning ; for havingbeenfolongunaccufhomedto their duty, knew not how to perform X\\\x gaping o'^cq. It was impoffible at this time for the greateft fright to have made me foul my breeches, becaufe I feldom ufed any thing that might caufe excre- ments. And therefore I wondred to hear any en- quire for an houfe of Office, fmce I had now left oflf going to flool. Once in five days I thought I ftood in need of evacuating ; but I v/as miftaken, for by difcharging a blaft of wind (whofe fury fcattered fmall ftones underneath me) I found it only a fit of the Cholick. I fhall deal plainly, fhoud I have found a propenfity, I would have been very unwilling to let any thing go out, fmce fo little pafl into my belly. Some Moveables I had left, which I was forced to difpofe of, to keep the paffage of my guts open, which would frequently grumble againft my ftomach for detaining too long what was received, challenging a propriety therein. I thought it good policy not to buy any Belly-tim- ber of a quick conco6lion, becaufe it fhould ftay the longer within me. To this purpofe I lookt on old Cheefe to be food convenient ; knowing that though it will difgeft any thing elfe, yet it cannot difgeft it felf ; and as it clofeth up the mouth of the ftomack, fo by its refpeftive quality it locks up faftthe Poftftern of the Micro-cofm. Flefh again (if I got any) I would fwallow by whole-fale, fearing left by chewing it, my ftomach would too fuddenly give it a paffport to my Hypo-gajlrium ; by which means it would be immediately ready again, nay refllefs in the craving more. I feldom flept for the Wtffy Extravagant 221 gnawing of my flomack, and the anguifli of my guts, and for want of thofe fumes which proceed- ing from Meat afcended into the head, and fo the caufers of fleep. If I'chanced to nod at any time, I dreamed of nothing but eating, my fancy feed- ing that while as voracioufly as an hunger-ftarved hound on a fhoulder of Mutton. I was driven to that pafs, I could not juftly tell whether I was alive or not. Sometimes I was of the opinion that I dyed in our Ship-wrack on the Ifle of Man, and that I was now a Soul in Purgatory. Immediately after my arrival in this place, the Itch and Bu7iniah, or Flux, (the two grand Epide- mical diftempers of Ireland) gave me their well- come into their Country, attended by a great number of fix-footed Gent, clad in a gray livery, with one fmgle lift down the back ; who all pro- mifed to flick to me & be my bofome-friends, nei- ther would they forfake me as long as life lafled. But they like the reft of the befl and faireft promif- ing friends left me, when fortune committed me prifoner to the mercilefs cruel hands of that accurfed Goaler, Poverty. I was grown fo lean, that the Mungril Scotch & Irijh Gentleman the Itch, find- ing not flefh enough to feed on, gave me the French Com^lQmQxit, A dieti ponvre Gentilhome. The Flux ftaid with me as long as any thing was left in my belly, but finding no fubftance from my Guts, took his leave alfo, unkindly carrying away all that was within me. Their retinue perceiving they were like to feed on hard meat, there being little left but bones, whofe teeth were incapable of faft- ning thereon, refolv'd to follow after ; fome mak- ing more than ordinary hafte, broke their necks off the Cape of my Cloak, mining their footing, 222 The Englijh Rogue: Or, the threads thereof being fpun out as time as fine as thofe of Arachnes working. To conclude, I was a mere walking Skeleton, my skin only ferv'd as a mantle for my bones. But for wind, my belly would have contradi6led an ap- proved Philofophical Axiome, proving a Vaamvt. One time pafling by the Caftle-gate, a Souldier fir'd his Mufquet, and I proteft methought my belly founded like a Drum at the report. Should I relate every particular wherein the malevolen- cie of Fortune afflifted me, I fhould much tire the Reader, as well as perplex my felf with remem- brance ; wherefore I fhall defift, and give you leave to imagine the deplorablenefs of his condition,^ who hath neither Monies, Friends, nor Credit, and in a place where he is neither acquainted with the people nor their Language. Witty Extravagant. 22- CHAP. XXVI. He falling accidentally into ajirange houfe, endea- vours to build a Sconce, but is fruHrated of his intent. The old Hofiefs pities him at fir ft, and relieves him, atid continually after feeds him for lier own pecidiar Diet ; furt/ier inftfling on the ntifery lie tfien endured. I Was by this time grown fo feeble by fafting, or by the manner of my feeding, which was either Cheefe or hard Eggs, (there being great plenty) that I could hardly go ; and fo light I was by con- tinual fmoking, that I queftioned often whether I was not a meer fume my felf ; fearing flill when I walkt abroad, to be extra6led by the Sun for an exhalation. Fortune fo favour'd me one day, that I found a Groat, which put me into a extafie of joy. I know not what Magical power there was in that vaft fum cS. four pence, for in an inftant, not knowing by what means, I found my felf in a Vic- tualling-houfe, fo fpeedy was my conveyance, as if I had been riding fome D(zmon through the air. I call'd for fome meat, but my voice founded fo hollow, as if I had fpoken in a vault. Some faid, it was the Eccho of fome perfon fpeaking in the next houfe : others of the wifer fort believed me to be fome Spelrum, or Apparition ; and that the Devil 224 The EngliJIi Rogue : Or, had affum'd abodyfpeakinginthat mortiaim cada- ver. The truth of it is, 'twas fomething hard to determine, whether I fpake or no, but that they might perceive my lips to open. There was a Phyfician in the houfe at that time, who looicing on me narrowly, openly proclaim'd that I was the workmanfhip of fome Mortal, who having firft gotten the Skeleton, or bones of a Man, had artifi- cially skin'd them over, and that German Clock- work caus'd my motion. I would have laught heartily at their ridiculous apprehenfions, but that I had forgot how. I had fome Gall left in me ftill, which made me ftart up in as great a rage as my feeble body was able to declare, intending to demonftrate to them how grofly they were mif- taken, but perceiving me to approach, they all fled but Mr. Do6lor, whom fhame retain'd, othewife by a fit of an Ague (which jufl then poffeft him) I knew he would willingly have been gone too. Speak (faid he tremblingly) wJiat art? I was fome- what puzled at his queftion, for I knew not well what I was : I am a living man, faid I. Why then tJwu wouldjl havefleJJi, faid he. After feveral dif- courfes to this purpofe, I at length made him partly believe that I was no fuch thing he ima- gined, and yet he would be asking me ftill a many impertinent queftions, as whether I could fee ; and his reafon was, becaufe he could difcern no eyes. Whether I was born without eyes, or loft them fince accidentally, ^c. I was forced to tell him at laft that it was the Country difeafe that had reduced me to this condition. Hearing me fay fo, he pitied me much, and told me he would fetch inftantly fomething that fhould do me much good. I thankt him, and away went Mr. Do6lor. WiUy Extravagant. 225 The good Woman over-hearing our difcourfe drew neer then confidently, and demanded what I would have ? I told her, any thing which was eatable, as far as a groat would go. She brought me fome hot Meat, and fetting it before me, went for fome drink, but before fhe could return I had fwallowed it all: fhe fetcht me more, which w^ent the fame way with as much celerity. But like Ouick-filver it wrought quite through me, not ftaying a quarter of an hour. The manner whereof was thus : About to pay my Reckoning, my Groat got into a piece of pa- per; I fumbled a great while in my pocket, but found it not, which put me even to my wits ends. At laft drawing out fome papers, and fhaking them my Groat dropt; perceiving its fall might be dangerous, there being many holes in the Floor, I catcht after it; notwithftanding it fell upon the very brink of an hole; what with haft to recover it, and the fright the danger put me into, I difcharged my felf of every bit I had eaten. There was no body could fay, I had fouled my Breeches, or that I flunk; which I made appear to my Landlady by (howing her what I had evacuated, but little differing from what I had eaten a quarter of an hour before. The good old woman perfwaded me ftrongly to eat it again; for, faid fhe, it cannot be much the worfe for juft paffing through you, and I will fry it if you pleafe. I thought I fhould now have dyed with laughter at her ftrange propofition ; but the wo- man ftar'd upon me, not knowing whether I grin'd or laught. Well, well, faid fhe at laft, if you will not eat fuch good vi6luals, fome body elfe fhall. I offer'd her my Groat, which fhe Q 226 The Engliffi Rogue: Or, refus'd, telling me there was as much more to pay; I told her that was all the moneys I had about me, and that I would pay her the reft the next day. But Pie for her part tJiought it was unjujl. To li/ien to the arguments of trufl. And therefore told me plainly fhe would have her Reckoning. I bid her ftay a while : then as foon as fhe had turned her back I attempted to march off, but my ftrength faihng me, I wanted fwiftnefs, and fo was brought back. I made her acquainted with my condition how miferable it was; I needed not many arguments to perfuade any into that belief, for my perfon was the true Embleme of mifery. She gave a ferious atten- tion to what I exprefb, and at laft melted into tears, commiferating my misfortunes; fhe caus'd inflantly a bed to be warm'd, where being laid, Ihe ordered a Cawdle to be made, & in fine fhew'd a world of kindnefs to me, not imagining what fhe aimed at. She would not let me ftir out of my Bed but whilft it was making, for above a week ; at the conclufion of which I began to re- cover a little colour in my cheeks, & grew indif- ferent flrong ; fhe gave me moneys in my Pocket, & told me I mufl walk into the fields with her. I bleft my felf, and that Angel that direfted my feet to the finding that lofb groat which was the occafion of my reftitution to a condition of living again. By this time I imagined what my old Gentlewoman expelled: wherefore, in the firfl place I acknowledged how much I was obliged to her matchlefs civilities, and that it was impof- WiUy Extravagant. 227 fible for me to return her anfwerable fatisfaftion. Rowling her pretty Piggs-eyes to and fro in her head, I require (faid fhe) nothing but your Love. If it mufl needs be fo (thought I) there is no way better then to let fancy form her beautiful, and fo by the force of imagination I fhall injoy as much pleafure as if lying with Venus, though in Conjun6lion with this Succubus. We us'd not many ceremonies, (like puling-whining Lovers that are always faying Grace, but never fall to) but taking the convenience of a Ditch underneath a bufhy-topt hedge we conferred notes. Had any feen us in this poflure, they would have con- cluded old Winter metamorphofed into an old Woman lying in a Dike, and that Flora was con- verted into a young man, and both in an unna- tural Conjun6tion. Or that youthful Phoebtis had contrafted his rays to court a lump of Ice, but with fhame was forced to defift, finding his pow- erful endeavours ineffe6lual in the produ6lion of a thaw. Whenever I wanted a fmall fum, a kifs or two, or the faying I loved her, extracted fo much as fupplied my prefent occafions ; if I wanted a fum confiderable, why then a quarter of an hours difcourfe in private efifefted my de- fires. Moft that knew me wondred what poli- tick ftratagems I us'd that I fo fuddenly wound my felf out of that Labyrinth of all forts of miferies, & that I appeared both in feature and garb fo excentrick to my former condition, I had as many pretences to blind the world as there were various fufpitions of pragmatick per- fons. In fhort, I was now very well apparell'd, well furnifht with moneys, I kept my Horfe, nay my Whore too ; this I made ufe of for what fhe was, the 228 The Etiglifh Rogue: Or, other for what fhe had. So feemingly happy was the prefent ftate of my Hfe, that I deem'd it im- poffibly unalterable by any decree of fate. CHAP. XXVII. He makes a Ramble into the Country, takes fome Obfervations as he travelleth; and is foundly beaten for attempting to board a fmall Irifh Pinnace. I Began now to be fomewhat v/eary of the City, and therefore refolved to refrefh my felf with the Country Air. I acquainted my Patronefs therewith ; who with much regret condefcended, conditionally two days fhould be the utmoft time of my abfence. That morning I fet forth, there was fuch folemn leave taken between us, as if my voyage had been intended for the Indies. About to amount, fhe re- trived my intentions, clafping me in her arms; I fhould rather have chofen the imbraces of a fhe- Bear, as thinking her breath far fweeter ; and truly I have often wondred at my recovery in fo impure and unwholfom air. Being on Horfe-back fhe fo bathed her Cheeks with tears (wanting no moifture, derived from an everlafting fpring of humours diftilling from her head) that you would Witty Extravagant. 229 have fworn (he was the reprefentation of the Pig- woman in Bctis Bartholomew-iddv. Had not her watry Flood-gates drowned her eyes, I think (he would have flood looking a(ter me that way I rid till my return. Well, there is no fool like the old doting fool : And were I again to love for intereft, I would choofe fuch a perfon. Your young skit- tifh things that onely mind their pleafures, think they have done a man a courtefie that merits re- ward, if they admit him into their private famili- arity, becaufe they find fond man fo paffionate and impatient in the profecution of his defires : And then again, having variety of Courtiers, they are too fenfible, that if one will not meddle with the bait, a fecond will nibble at it fo long till he is caught with the hook. Whereas a woman ftricken in years, and having loft her beautiful allurements is difregarded,&lookt,on as no (it fubje6t for love to treat on : not but fhe may have as youthful defires as any; and if that wayinclin'd, nonefo prone as (he. For knowing (he hath nothing but her wealth to attraft withal, fhe will freely part with it for her felf-fatisfa6lion ; and that (he may not loofe her Stallion, conftantly encourage him even to the exhaufting of what (he hath. Moreover, (inding the man to anfwer her expe6lations, (he ftudies all ways imaginable how to pleafe him in every thing, that he may pleafe her in that one thing. But to my purpofe; coming to Balle-more-Eu- Jiace, a little beyond the Town, (which is in the County of Wicklow) there is a fmall River in the Summer-time not above knee-deep ; I perceived a young woman about to crofs it ; drawing to the Q3 230 The EngliJIt Rogue-. Or, water, fhe flood not on the niceties of modefly, but pulled up her Cloaths to the waft. The fight hereof ftopt me, and as near as I could oppofite to her. She minded me not, but came ftraight over to me, and at about three yards diflance let down her Coats. I obferved fo many excellencies that my blood began to boyl, and my flefh was all of a flame. For her hair which naturally curled, and was plaited, was of a bright flaxen, each hair in the Sun glittered like a thread of Gold. Here take notice by the way, that the Maids for the mofl part, Winter and Summer, go without any coverings on their head, which they wafh all over every night ; the meaner fort as foon as married wear Kerchers. She had an Angelical counte- nance, onely fomewhat brownifh by the Suns fre- quent kiffing of it ; I know not whether I may adjudge that a deformity. The skin of her body might vye with Snow forwhitenefs. I difmounted, & addreft my felf to her in EngliJJi; flie anfwered me in her own language, JJie Jitiderjiood me 7iot : Then did I make ufe of that little IriJJi I had learned, which were fome fragments of lecherous expreffions, to which (he replied, but I under- ftood her not. To be brief, I fo far prevailed that I got her into a fmall Wood, in which the thick & fpreading tops of the trees feemed to lay their heads together in confpiracy to keep not only the Suns entry, but alfo the curious fearch of any mortals eye. She permitted me to kifs; dally, lay my hand on her thighs, &c., whicb were the only Preludiums of what fhould follow. But herein I miftook, for their difpofitions are much different from the EngliJJt. We ufe to fay. IVitly Extravagant. 231 that where we gain over any woman the Hberty to ufe the hand, we cannot fail of doing what we moft defire: whereas quite contrary they will without the leaft oppofition permit the firft, but with the greateft difficulty admit of the laft. For afibon as fhe faw me ready to engage, fhe cryed out inceffantly, Whillallalloo ; and prefently I could hear this ululation ecchoed. I had juft recovered my Horfe, when two or three fellows came running to me, the one with a Flail, the reft with long Poles. The firft falutation I received was from the Flail, which failed but little of doing my bufmefs : the next my Horfes Crupper received ; the poor beaft being civilly bred, could do no lefs then return them a Congee with his leg, which made one of them fall on his knees to his Mafter, as if he had been Monarch of that Soil. Thefe two Rogues ftood ftiffly to me, infomuch that I knew not what courfe to take. The Villains were fo nim- ble, that one of them was continually before me hindring my flight, whilft the other drub'd me forward. I bethought my felf of a Piftol I had in my Pocket charged without abullet ; I drew it, pre- fented, and pretended I would fire if they defifted not ; for thefe ftupid fellows apprehended not the danger : perceiving how ftupidly fenfelefs they were, I fir'd it full in the face of him that fronted me, who verily believ'd he had been ftiot, & fo out of conceit (for they are naturally very timerous) fell down as dead ; the other feeing that, ran away as fwift as lightning, whereby I had leave to ride on, which I did (you may think) with no ordinary fpeed. Lovers may talk of their fufiferings by their 232 The EngliJJi Rogue : Or, Miftrefs frowns, or obduratenefs, but let any one judge of mine by the blows I received ; fighingis nothing to fighting, and a few tears are not to come in competition with dry bafbing. Pox on them they made me out of conceit with love for fix weeks after. I never thought of enjoying a woman fmce, but the remembrance of thofe three Bog-trotters converted the hot fit of my amorous Fever into a cold one. A little way from Baltinglafs I took up my quarters for that night. The Inn I lay in was one ftory high, about the height of an extraordinary Pigfty, and there was one Chimney in it too, mure then there is to be found in one of an 100 fuch Hovils. The good man welcom'd me after his fafhion, but I think an AnthropopJiagus or Indian Man-eater would have done it as civily. I bid him fet up my Horfe by figns, (for that was the language we converft in) but alafs there was no other Stable but what was at the end of our Kitchin ; our Dining-room, Bed-chamber, Pigfty, Pantry and Buttery, being all one, without dif- tinftion or feparation. Some few Wattles (as they call them) were placed above, that was our Hay-loft. The onely door of our Inn was a large hurdle, much like a fheep-pen. The Ban- nettee or good wife of the houfe, could fpeak a little broken Englijh. I askt her what I fhould have for Supper ? Thoujhalt have a Supper /aid JJie for St. Patrick a gra. I ftaid an half hour expe6ling when fhe would lay down fomething to the fire, but inftead thereof Ihe brings me in a Wooden Platter a great many Leeks, in the bot- tom whereof was a good quantity of Bay-falt, and Wtt^jf Extravagant. 233 withal a loaf as black as if tlie Meal had been wetted with Ink. Seejl ton tere, Chreeji himfelf nor St. Patrick did ever eat better ting. I could not forbear fmiling, which put her into a great paflion; For if a man eats not what they fet before him, they think themfelves highly affronted. Becaufe I would pleafe them (not knowing but that I might find as bad fawce here) I pretended to eat, conveying it into my Boots. After fupper I askt them for a clean Pipe ; the woman brought me one about an inch long, telling me it was very clean, for her Husband had not fmoakt in it above ten times. I judged it to be the mines of the firft Pipe that was made, which was conveyed from one of that family to another, conditionally they fliould conflantly fmoke in it without burning it. They offered me fome fnuff too ; which is one of the greateft kindneffes they can either fhow or be fhown. I called for fome drink, (to try whether that correfponded with the reft) and fo it did, for there was no fwallowing it without chewing. Finding but little fatisfaflion I defired to go to Bed. That I fhould inftantly, they faid, but I wondered where they intended to lay me. In a little while in came a lufty wench with a bundle of rufhes on her head, my bed it feemed by the fequel, which fhe fpreading on the ground, covered them with a Caddow or Rugg. Here I muft lye or no where, patience was my onely comfort ; wherefore ftripping my felf to my drawers and Stockings, I laid my felf down. About two hours after came in two Cows, three or four Piggs,fome Ducks and Geefe, (which they brought not in before, out of civility to me.) All theirfamily 234 T^^^ Englijlt Rogue : Or, being within doors ; the good Man, his Wife, and two Daughters, dripping themfelves ftark naked, lay down altogether by my fide, which feem'd fomewhat ftrange to me. I could hardly forbear the two young ones, but that my late misfortune was fo frelh in my memory. I could not fleep all that night, wherefore very early I difcharged my Reckoning, and fo fet for- ward for Dublin with all the expedition I could, not liking the Country-entertainment. I would not ride the fame way back as I came, to avoid my bone-breakers; but it had been as well; for coming to a River that I muft foard, I askt a fellow which was the fafeft place : he pretend- ing no knowledge of what I faid, wherefore making figns to him, he anfwer'd me again with his hand, dire6ling me to fuch a place: at the firft ftep my Horfe and I plunged over head and ears ; and had not my Horfe been ftrong, we had both perifhed. With much difficulty we got up the bank on the other fide, and looking behind me, the villain was e'ne almoft out of fight. Such caufelefs revenge they frequently exercife towards the EfiglifJt, na- turally hating us with a perfect antipathy. I returned at length to my old Hoftefs, refolving when next I undertook fuch a journey, I would fteer by the compafs of other mens experience. Wii(y Extravagant. 235 CHAP. XXVIII. The manner of his Jiealing an HogJheadofrQWc\i Wine from the Cnflom-koufe. T Racing the ftreet, I chanced to caft my eye on a fellow, the flownefs of whofe pace informed me of the idlenefs of his condition. His garb was fo prepofleroufly unfuitable, that a man could not pofTibly look on him without excefTive laugh- ter. To the intent you may participate with me in the fame fport, I fhall open his Wardrobe. In general there was not any thing he did wear that had not fome times another property, & of which one might derive another Pedigree, The Hat he had on was devefted of all Royal Dignity, having loft its Crown, and yet his crime would not be al- lowed of as Capital. But what it wanted in one place was fupplied in another, the brims whereof being fo large, they might have conveniently fer- ved as a Pent-houfe for another befides himfelf. But this ingenious Squire politickly had pin'd up the brims on one fide, that he might have fome light to difcern his way; his Hat thus pin'd up on the one fide lookt much like a trap-door pull'd up. His Band was fo torn and dirty, as if he had but jufl come from fome fray ; and left pafTion fhould prove obnoxious, time had donehim that courtefie to purge away his choler. In what condition his 236 TJie Englijh Rogue: Or, Doubtlet was behind, I could plainly difcover through the holes of his Cloak, which generally was fo tranfparent, that the rents and patches of feveral colours of his cloaths were as vifible as if you had lookt through Lawn. The forepart of his Doublet and his Breeches I am confident were the off-fpring of the Furniture of a Billiard-Table. His Cloak proceeded from a Boat-tilt, whofe Grand- father was an Horfe-cloth; and I could not look on his Breeches, but it put me in mind of the Scotch Flaggs that hung up in Wejiminjier. His skirts were fo liquor'd and greas'd, that in cafe of ex- tremity they might have ferved for belly-pieces, not ufmg any thing \>\xt their own fatnefs to fry them in. By his countenance he feemed like a man of courage and ingenuity, and fo 1 could not chufe but endeavour his relief. Wherefore I ac- cofted him, pretending I had feen him fomewhere, but could not for the prefent call to mind the place. His neceffity made him affent to whatever I faid ; and defiring his company to an Ale-houfe, he readily granted my requefl. By what unhappy accident he became thus miferable, I know not, but the man was well furnifht both with natural and acquir'd parts. Having had 'Various difcourfes of feveral matters, and that we began to be fa- miliarly acquainted, I askt him why he rapt him- felf up fo clofe in his Cloak.-* O Sir, faid he, {to be plain) I have a mainid Doublet, and I have lieard fome fay, there is nothing more prejudicial to a wound titan tJie intromijjfion of Air; which that Network garment of yours (faid I) will never be able to keep out. He reply ed, 'Tis true, Sir, I find itfo, but I wifh it were a Net, for then I might employ my felf by ffJiitig. Wtffy Extravagant. 237 I was fo well pleafed in my new acquain- tance, that (bidding him ftay there till my return, which fhould be fpeedy) I went and procured him all things neceffary for to cover his naked- nefs: the laft thing he put on was his Shoes; finding them to have Soals, they added new life to him. But did before in one cojtdition roul. And both appealed as if they had no Soul. Having thus caft (Colt-like) his ragged Coat, I was not afhamed to walk with him in the ftreets; coming to the Cuflom-houfe we faw feveral Pipes and Hogfheads of Wine. Viewing all the places belonging thereunto, faid I, Me- thinks it is no difficult matter to fteal one of thefe Hogfheads, had I but affiftance. You fhall not want mine, Sir, (faid he) even to the hazard of my life, which I fhall never look on as a fuffi- cient requital for this fmgular favour you have now conferr'd on me. Having walkt there a while, we went down to a place called Lazy hill, where I found out two or three pure Rogues more, one whereof had a Boat. I informed them of my defign; they willingly promifed their helping hand, and the time appointed for the efifefting our intentions, was that night about twelve. Accordingly we all met, and having pro- cured an empty Hogfhead, we fill'd it with water, and away we went in the Boat. The tide ebbing had left dry ground underneath the Key, where I planted three of our company, inflrudling them that affoon as they found the Coafl cleer above, they fhould with flings (which they had for that purpofe) leave the Hogfhead of water, & exchange it for one of wine; which done, they fhould march 238 The Englijh Rogiie\ Or, off immediately. I and my new Comerade marcht up the Cuftom-houfe flairs, where we encountred with two old Watchmen. They askt us what our bufmefs was, we told them we had no other defign but to drink with them, having been a lit- tle frolickfome the other fide of the water. The old Watchmen were very joyful at this news, and fo giving one of them money to fetch fome drink, the other carried me to the Lodge. The drink be- ing come, they minded that fo much, they had for- gotten their duty; & I plyed them fo clofe with whole ones, that they were incapable of holding one more: in the mean time my Comrogues were gone; pretending our boat was a drift, we took our leaves ; for then we could go along by the fhore fide, leaving this paper on one of the Hogf- heads, I left them. What Mofes did in the Creators name. By art Egyptian Magick did the fame. Since I have read of Water turnd to Wine, This Miracle is oppofite to mine. For I (tJwugh never yet a R/tenifJi hater) Have by my art converted Wine to Water. I have often heard thefe very lines (with fome real circumftances of this our exploit, but more fi6ti- tious) repeated to me as a very good jeft, which pleas'd me near upon as much as our purchafe. Being five of us concerned, we fcorned to fell our Wine, but contrafting with fome to find Su- gar, with others WeflpJialia hams, or fuch like relifhing meats, and with others to be at the ex- pence of Mufick, but every one to be at his own charge for Wenches ; we never gave over rant- ing and roaring till we had dreined the Hogf- head dry. WtUy Extravagant. 239 CHAP. XXIX. His Landlady dyeth, and fo is left again to live by his wits; his Comerade is hanged, tvithfome hints of his defperate, irreligious, and atfieifii- cal tenents. IN the height of our jollity, word was brought me that my Landlady wasdangerouflyfick, and that (he defired to fpeak with me inftantly ; think- ing it was onely a fit of lecherous and falacious itch, I made no great hafle, but at length I went: Affoon as I entred within her doors, I received the fad tydings of her death. I ran up flairs (not believing this report, becaufe I would not have it fo) but found it too true : viewing her as fhe lay, I perceived her hand faft clincht : I took it into mine, and wrenching it open, there dropt ten pieces of Gold, which I conceive fhe intended to have beftowed on me whileft living, as her laft Legacy. I conveyed them privately into my Pocket, and prefently made enquiry how fhe had difpofed of her Eftate; but I received little or no fatisfaftion herein, only to my great vexa- tion, I heard fhe often to the very lafl called much upon me. I flayed not above two or three days in the houfe, but I was forced to leave it. I met with my obliged friend, to whom I com- municated my late misfortune: he like an experi- enc'd Stoick counfel'd me to bear my lofs patient- 240 The Efiglijh Ro^e: Or, ly, fince that is below a man to repine at any fublunary cafualty, much more to fink under the burden of any vexatious crofs, or remedilefs lofs. . We difcourfed what expedient we were beft to take, and to encreafe our fmall ftocks by fome witty exploit. We propounded many things which we approved not of We thought of turn- ing Highway-men; butldiffwaded him from that, by informing him that money was very fcarce, and that men of 500/. per annum ufually travel- led 30 or 40 miles with a fmgle Cob, or piece of eight, not fo much for fear of robbing as for want of Coyn ; and that is the reafon that all forts of provision are very cheap, becaufe there is fo great a fcarcity of that fhould purchafe them. Why then faid he, there is mony enough in the Ex- chequer. But faid I, it is fo difficult to come at, that I will not hazard my life in the attempt. Hearing me fpeak in this manner, he lookt upon me in derifion: faying, That fear was a paffwn unworthy to be lodg'd in the Soul of man, and that there is 7tothing here which a man either fJtould or need to fear, Secundem Religionem Stoici: And tfiat man deferved not the f nation of the leafi hap- pinefs here, that would not, rather then go without it, venture his neck. We had fo hot a conteft about this, that we par- ted in anger, and never faw him afterwards till I heard of his condemnation, which was occafioned by the profecution of what he propounded to me. Two or three more befides himfelf combined to rob the Exchequer, but were apprehended in the enterprize, committed, arraigned at the Bar, con- vi6led and condemned. Hearing hereof, I gave him a vifit in Prifon; expreffing much forrow for Witty Extravagant. 241 what he was to fufifer : but he onely laught at me for my pains. I defir'd him to be more ferious, fmce three dayes would put a period to his Hfe, and then he muft give an account of what he had done on earth ; and that though we might footh up our felves in all manner of debauchery here, yet without cordial repentance we mufl fuffer for it hereafter. Prethee, faid he, do not trouble thy head with fuch idle fancies. That there is a God I cannot, nor will not deny, fmce there are Regiments of Arguments levied both from the (lately fabrick of the arched Heaven, and from the inimitable embroidery of the flowry earth which are fufficient to conquer that infi- delity, and render men tributaries to the all- forming Effence. But that this God fhould be fo unjuft (who is al goodnefs) as to make the in- tent of my Creation damnation, it fhall never come within the verge of my belief : if there be any punifhment for criminal commiffions, it muft be annihilation, or nothing. Quote not me the Scriptures for my convi6lion if I err, fmce they are full of contradi6lions, and contain many things incredible. Neither do I know (fince we are for- bidden murder) -why Abraliam fhould kill his Son Ifaac, and the fame perfon commit Adultery with his maid Hagar, (which is largely defcrib'd) and yet we are commanded the contrary ; if we bor- row or fleal, we are enjoyn'd to make reftitution ; notwithftanding, the Ifraelites were permitted to borrow the Egyptians Earrings without giving fatisfa6lion. In this manner I could cavil ad infinitum ; and yet this Book is the Bafis of Chriftianity. Let me tell me you plainly, Reli- gion at firft was only the quaint Lcger-de-main R 242 The EngliJJi Rogue: Or, of fome ftrong pated Statefmen, who to overawe the Capricioufnefs of a giddy multitude, did forge the opinion of a punifher of all humane evil ac- tions. What was Mahomet but an Impoftor, whofe palpable cheats grew up in his fucceffors into a Religion, and whofe inventions were and are receiv'd with as much adoration by the wifell of men, as is the Orthodox Veneration (as they term it) to a Deity, which is the obje6l of Chrif- tian worfhip. The Popes piety is onely pride and ambition, and yet he pronounces Damnation againft all fuch as are not of his belief, &c. If you will know the diverfity of Religions, (all op- pugning on the other) take a view thereof in Mr. Rofs his Panfebeia. Now feeing the rational foul hath fail'd fo oft and fo abfurdly in its difcoveries, how or why fhould we fubmit our felves flavifhly to its determinations. For that which doth at fome times err, can never at any time be con- cluded infallible. He would have proceeded, but I defir'd him to defift. Now his prophane and irreligious difcourfe did fo bore my glowing ears, that notwithflanding the wickednefs of my own nature, I could not endure to hear him blafpheme ; wherefore inftead of en- deavouring to reftifie his erroneous judgement, (for to fpeak the truth, my knowledg at that time was but flender in the do6lrine of Chriftianity) I durft not difcourfe longer with him, but left him to his own Confcience for convidlion, which I judg'd would be powerful with him at the place of Execution. | The day being come, I refolved to fee the final end of my friend. And there did I enjoy the fruits of my hopes and wifhes. For as foon as Wiiiy Extravagant. 243 the Halter was about his neck, he roared fo loud with his voice, that it could not but awake the mod lethargick confcience that ever the Devil lull'd afleep. There I might fee and know by the urinal of his eyes, and the water ftanding therein, what convulfion-fits his foul fuffer'd, his own mouth confefling how grievoufly his difeafed foul was ftretched upon the rack of defpair : then it was that the voluminous Regifters of his con- fcience, which did formerly lye claps'd in fome unfearcht corner of his memory, were laid open before him ; and the Devil, who hitherto gave him the leflening end of the profpe6l to furvey his licentious courfes and damned opinion, now turned the magnifying end to his eye, which made him cry out at lafl for mercy, and fo was turn'd off. CHAP. XXX. He pajfeth for a Batchellor, Courts feveral under the pretence of Marrying them, by which he per- fivades fome out of their Maiden-heads ; others out of tJieir Money, with which he goes for England ; At Chefter he cheats his Land- lord, where having all things requifite to com- pleat an Highway-man, followeth that trade : he is mt with by fome of that gang, who intend- ing to rob him, he difcovers his intentions, and they admit of him into their fociety. BEing left now to fhift for my felf, having lofl: the main prop that fufbain'd me in all con- ditions, husbanding well the advantage of this contrary wind, I prefently fet the engine of my brain to work, and thus it was ; I addrell my felf 244 l'^^^ Englijh Rogue: Or, to Courtfhip. Beauty was not the mark I aimed, the purchafe thereof producing Httle profit, fmce it felf is mofl commonly the fole reward ; neither can a man attain to it but by great expence, out- vying all therein, leaft any interpofe. Either wealthy and aged widdows, or thrifty Maids, who had laid up what they had gotten in Service as a bait to procure an Husband, fuch did I daily hunt out and vifit by turns. I was not fparing of amorous expreflions, fhewing therein the height of zeal, by which means I deluded fe- veral. Some I was forced to give earneft to for their Goods, before they would truft me with what they had. This courfe I followed till I was generally taken notice of for a grand deceiver. Having now gotten a round fum of money by me, I borrowed where ever I could ; fo crofTmg S. Georges Channel, in twenty four hours I lan- ded at Chejier. I took up my quarters in a very graceful Inn, and gave out immediately that I had an hundred head of Cattel coming. The Mafter of the houfe taking notice of my extraordinary Garb, and believing the report which I had caus'd to be fpread abroad, lodg'd me with much refpe6l in one of the beft Chambers of his houfe. The Wind favoured my defign as much as I could defire, for it blew Eafl-North-Eaft, by which no Shipping could come out of Ireland. One day I came to my Landlord, and telling him that by reafon of the non-arrival of my Cat- tel, I was difappointed of Moneys, and there- fore I defired him to lend me ten pounds, and he fhould fatisfie himfelf in the firft choice of the Wtily Extravagant, 245 beft of my beafts when they came, and fwore to him I would perform my promife to him upon the word of a Gentleman. So that without any fcruple he lent me the money. Being Market- day, I bought an excellent Gelding with Furni- ture thereunto belonging, with Sword and Pi- ftols, and in this Equipage mounted ; I taking my leave of my credulous Landlord without fpeaking a word to him : I had not rid far, before three well mounted rid by me, (I found them after- wards to be the Van-guard) having as many more in the Rear. At the bottome of an Hill they before faced about, and bidding me ftand, thofe in the Rear reinforc'd the Van. One of them clap- ping a Piftol at my breaft, commanded me forth- with to deliver, Swearing three or four full- mouth'd Oaths. I faw it was now to little pur- pofe to refift, although I was fo well arm'd, and therefore endeavoured a conqueft fome other way, viz. by fmooth expreflions. Gentlemen (faid I) ye are all miftaken ; neither do I greatly wonder thereat, fmce I verily believe ye are frefh-men, men of a days ftanding in the fludy of this noble Science, otherwife you might have diftinguifht me from an honefl: man ; for I think in this Garb and poflure, I look as fufpitioufly as any of ye ; onely Ithink I take a better courfe then ye to avoid apprehenfion, and reap to my felf greater fatisfaftion. For ye rob in companies, and if any one be taken, his juft fears frequently betray himfelf, but oftner the reft to deftru6lion : where- as I robbing fmgly, I rob fecurely. Now Sirs freely examine my Pockets, where finding ftore of Coyn, they demanded how I came by it ? I 246 The Englifit Rogiie: Or, invented a lye to their general fatisfa6lion ; which was, I had met with a Booty a little before I met with them, which was the occafion of my being fo well furnifht ; but that which confirm'd them moft, was my being fo well provided with Piftols in my Holfters, Pockets and Boots. Infkead of doing what they intended, they were then of another opinion, and all of them careft me in a very high manner ; refolving to be merry at the next Inn, and there to admit me as a Brother. Havingfetup their Horfes,theywentintoa Room before, whil'ft I ftayed fome time after for the benefit of eafing nature ; coming in among them I thought my felf miftaken in my company, and made a proffer to go out again ; but they laugh- ing heartily called me back. I knew not one perfon, for they had pull'd off their falfe Beards, Vizards, Hoods, Patches, Wens, Mufflers and Perriwigs, together with thofe other difguifes that obfcured the natural proportion of their faces, fo that they appeared as other men. Come faid the chief (as I gueft him to be by the fway he bore over the reft) you are a frefhman, and therefore want fome of our inftru6lions, which in due time you (hall receive from us. In the firft place it is fit that you take an Oath which every young Thief muft obferve that is admitted into the Brother-hood, or at his inveftationinto the honour of one of the Knights of the Road : which was to this effe6l. Firft, they read a charge of fecrecy, that whatever misfortune happened to cloud their freedom by rendring them as an obje6t to Juftice and the Law, they fhould conceal their Complices to the death, or againft any other jeopardy what- IViity Extravagant. 247 foever, burying in oblivion not only his Confede- rates, but alfo his manner of entrance into this way. And further, they proceeded to fwear me, that if the Judges fhould prefs me to a difcovery of particulars, that then I mufl cunningly create fome men in my fancy, devifmg not only Names, but to give each man a particular feature, defcrib- ing their ftature, complexion and age, as alfo their dwelling place. Still provided that the place of their abode be far enough off : And then before enquiry be made, the danger of the tryal may be over or paft ; and then again this pretended dif- covery may purchafe favour from the Bench. Further, if I fhould be examined, why, and how I fell into thefe courfes, I muft then tell them that I was born a Gentleman, and well educated ; but being a younger brother, I had not where- withal allowed me for a fubfiftance, and rather then I would live beneath my birth, or difpa- rage the ftock from whence I came (here fetch- ing a deep figh, and looking very fadly) neceffity conftraining me to fupply my wants, I fell into thefe wicked courfes ; which will make them think you are fome mifled young man whom temptations had drawn afide, and fo caufe them to take pity of your condition ; and if their mer- cy extend to the remifion of your guilt, it fhall not only reft you from the punifhment of the Law, but from the perfecution of your paft evils. By this means we may have liberty to fall to our old courfes ; nor muft confcience trouble us, but difpence with every impiety, and glory 24S The Englijli Rogue : Or, in the greafleft iniquities, counting him moft ho- nourable who is grown the oldeft and mofb ex- quifite experienced Praftitioner of all manner of vice. Much more was committed to my me- mory for future obfervation, which for brevity fake I fhall omit. CHAP. XXXI. Some InJiru6lions given me by our Grand maJier-Tkief. AFter I was fworn, and full bowls of Sack had trould round, our grand Mafter-Thief, compofing his Countenance, and looking very gravely, Come my new and young Knight of the Road, be ruled by me, whofe long experience makes me able to command, and my love to you willing to inflruft you. Ever lurk or lie in fome by-place moft advantageous and leaft fuf- pitious which yields the eye the profpe6l of the Road : fo ftri6lly view the Booties, that other mens misfortunes may enrich your condition, and the honefl mans lofs be your gain ; and be fure you draw every advantage that may promote your caufe, to the longefl extent. For your Masks and Chin-cloth, thus mufl you place them and fit them at a moment to difguife your face, thereby to blind the intellefls of fuch as by conftraint pay Wt/(y Extravagant 249 tribute to your wants ; who then can know & with confiderate heed dire6lly fwear you are the man, when thefe artificial vizards are withdrawn, and fo the vifible tokens vanifh that might inform mens knowledge what you are? and that your words may have a different found, alter your voice, that fo as your habit, face, and haire obfcure your difcovery, your fpeech (reputed undifguifeable) will add to your concealment and fecurity. Be fure you ingenioufly contrive a Watch-word to your felves that may occafion no fufpition ; as, we are like to have a fair day or a foul, according as the weather is like to prove ; which being nam'd, let every man fall to his work ; thofe that are ftrongeft at the grafp, and have hearts accor- dingly, let them feize firft, alwayes duly obferving this, to catch the bridle by the left hand, and with the right draw your Sword. If he or they refifb, the one prevents his flight, the other cuts, and fo cools his courage. The weaker forts charge is to bid ftand, and confronting the Horfes head, pre- fent a Piflol fit for to difcharge. If they deny delivering patiently what they have, but contend, you mufl wave all niceties, but cut them foundly; if that will not qualifie their foolifh prefumption, be fure you fire not without doing Execution, and then with all fpeed fly, after you have with expedition taken the pillage of the field. If you are purfu'd by an Hue and Cry, obfcure your felf in fome place or other, and let it pafs by you, and then to be fure it will never overtake you. If a prize comes by, or in your fight, if up 250 TJie Englijli Rogue : Or, the Hill, meet him ; if down, follow clofe at the heels, and having more in company then your felf, let each man fmgle out his choice which he likes to deal with: the coaft being clear, fall up all to your clofe order and fide, be fure that you joyntly feize your prize. But here obferve, let not any bafenefs of fpirit unman you. For {/peaking to me) nature hath beftow'd on you the full proportion of limbs, and thou feem'ft a man of courage, fuitable to the largenefs of thy manly fize, but be not furpriz'd with fear or cowardife if the affailed boldly affaults thee. Full fraught with the Documents which I re- ceiv'd from my old experienced Mafter, I refolv'd upon fome atchievement : between two and three in the afternoon, I my felf with four more fet out; we planted our felves in a convenient place, only I was fent out for a difcoverer : not rightly under- ftanding my trade, I wandered too far, but in my digreflion I met with a fmgle perfon whom I bid fland, which he would have done, and as willingly have furrendred his purfe, but that he was mount- ed on a ftone-horfe, I on a Mare. Affoon as I had given the word, his ftone-horfe wheel'd off and came in the rear of me: I thinking he intended to crupper me, endeavoured all wayes imaginable to prevent him, for there was fomething it feems under my Mares tail more powerful, which at that time I dreamt not of I led him round and round feveral times circularly : the poor harmlefs Gentleman fearing he fhould provoke me too much by delays, the unrulinefs of his Horfe hindring my feifmg the Booty, cry'd out, Worthy Sir, take what I have and fpare my life : at that WiUjy Extravagant. 251 very inftant his Horfe reared his two fore- feet upon me and my Mare, in fo much that I thought he faid, I'le take both Life and Money too pre- fently ; fear had then rendred me fo incapable of performing the office of a Thief. With that I put fpurs to my Mare, and flew through the air for the procuration of my fafety. Notwithftanding I made what fpeed I could, the other was clofe at my heels: ftriving and kicking with both my legs, one of my Piftols went off in my Pocket : the apprehenfion of the prefent danger had be- reft me of the true ufe of my fenfe, for I imagined that my back-friend had discharged at me, which made me roar out for quarter. He on the con- trary concluded I fought Tartar-X\kQ flying, and that I had fired it at him, which made him with much eagernefs eccho out with repetition this expreflion, As you are a man, fftew your felf mer- ciful. Sometimes he would fay. For heavens fake hold, good Sir ftop ; which made me ride more furioufly, thinking he called to the Country, Hold him, flop him ; at lafl do what I could, his Stone- horfe leapt up upon us, at that inftant (by what means I know not) we all came headlong to the ground. I expe6led now that my imaginary ad- verfary would be upon me, and cut my throat before I could recover my legs, wherefore I ftarted up, and found my mortal foe up before me, and upon the run. I could have hang'd my felf to think I fhould be reckoned among the number of men, and yet want that fpirit and courage which compleats a man : but loofmg no time, I purfu'd him, and eafily made my felf poffeffor of what he had; Sirrah, faid I, if e're I meet thee again, 252 The Englifh Rogue : Or, and find thee fo obftinate, or durft refill, as now thou haft done, I will tye thee to a Tree in fome obfcure place, where none can hear thy doleful cryes, and there for fix days thou fhalt have no other food but what I fhall bring the. Once a day during that term I will vifit thee, and each days Meat fhall be either a piece of thine own Sword broken into fmall bits, or thofe Bullets (which thou intendeft for the deftru6lion of honefl men) diffolv'd, and mingled with Gunpowder, which fhall be convey'd to thy mouth through the muzzle of thine own Piflol. It pleafed me ex- ceedingly to fee how pitifully and fubmiffively he look't: for verily I durft not have utter'd half fo much if he had lliown an auflere countenance. As I was framing a lye to delude my Come- rades (when I fhould meet them) into a belief how valiant I was, and dextrous in profecution of that defign I had newly undertaken,! lookt about me & faw them all at my elbow. I now believ'd (which I eafily perceiv'd by their flearing looks) that they were all eye-witneffes of my dangerous encounter. Oh brother, faid one, how is't .-' are you well ? I askt him the reafon of his impertinent queftion } Becaufe, faid he, we took notice of the great dan- ger you were in even now, narrowly efcaped of being fhot by a Pocket-Inkhorn. Without doubt, brother, you are very hard hearted to fly (riding full fpeed) at the very naming of, Good Sir be merciful. The poor harmlefs foul making frequent repetition thereof, but you ftopping your ears from all intreaties, his Stone horfe feem'd to be his advocate, and to that intent ran after your Mare, endeavouring to court her into an inter- ceffion for his Mafter. WtUy Extravagant. 253 I fhould never have ftopt their mouths had I not fliew'd them what I had gotten, which was not inconfiderable. It was twy-light as we met with another Prize, which was of a different temper from the former. For though he and his fellow-traveller were (com- paratively to any of us) but Pigmies, yet of fo undaunted refolution and unrefiftable courage, that neither threats of death, or torture (I am confident) could dull the edges of their couragious fpirits, which might be in part underftood by their deportment to us : for had we not flafht, carbonadoed, and forceably bound them, rather then they would have yielded willingly, they would have ftoopt to death. Our power having fubdued them, we withdrew them into a fecret place, leaving them not any thing valuable. Then did I learn to fearch with fo ftri6l care, that fooner might the Grand Turk turn Roman Catholick then conceal a penny from me ; here was I taught to be deaf when the poor Traveller cries he is undone ; and to be more flinty then Adamant, not to be mov'd with fighs or tears. Having ingag'd them by Oath not to follow us by Hue and Cry, or by means of a general rifmg of the Towns adjacent ; thefe two fellows robbed, rifled and amazed, we left wrapt up in woes, and hafted away to fecure ourfelves. I fliall conclude this Chapter with a Relation how I was quit with my Comrades upon the ac- count of fear or timoroufnefs. Neither could they jufl:ly tax me with it, fince they are things entail'd upon the profeffion. For every Crow that flies extracts a fear, and every thing that doth 254 The EngliJJi Rogue : Or, but flir, or make the bufhes rufh, feem'd to our fearful fancy a Conftable to apprehend us for our Theft. I cannot forget how ftrong a confu- fion arofe amongft us by a trifle ; the means were fo fmall, and the occafion fo ridiculous, that when after I thought thereon (though by my felf) I could not forbear laughing exceffively, and condemn the temerity of fuch minds fo meanly fpirited. 'Twas thus in fhort : An Owle who to gain ftielter from the troubles of a Sunfhine day, when all the airy tribe (wandring) flock to him, fcreen'd himfelf in the obfcure retired refldence of an hollow tree ; no fooner had he cloifter'd up himfelf, but between difcontent and fomething of a pleafmg fatisfa6lion he firft utter'd his ama- zing fcreeks, being in a flumber, and dreaming of the affaults were made at him by his feather'd enemies of all forts, and then again awaking, whoopt for joy that he was delivered from them ; thus did he whoop and hollow inceffantly, which infus'd fuch a terrour into our diftrufliful minds, that Whips, Switches and Spurs were all too few to expedite our haft. For we abfolutely thought thofe Hollows were the out-cryes of the Country following us for what we had committed. We at length took San6luary in an Inn, where we had fome intereft and confidence in our fecurity. Underftanding that our days work had been profperous, our Hoft calls luftily for Sack, which the drawer doubles in the Bar ; the Hoftler muft be one of our company too, and hail fellow with us, who knowing what courfes we take, prefume we dare not cavil, left they betray our praftifes. Sic nos non nobis. So we rob for them, and not WiUy Extravagant. 255 for our felves ; for by that time we have profufely froHckt (a bill whereof fhall be brought in of twice as much as we called for) and have beftowed our largefles to the Servants, and offer'd up our (ex- pe6led) facrifices to our Landlady, or her Daugh- ter, for fome private favour received, we find our felves to have the leafl fhare, and fo betake our felves to our trade till apprehenfion take from us that liberty, and the Law fentenceth us to pay our lives as a jufl debt we owe to Juftice. CHAP. XXXIL Scouring the Road^ he lights on a Farmers houfe which he intended to rob, but dejijis from that refolutiou^ falling in Love with his Daugh- ter, who was exceeding beautiful', gets her with Child, under the pretence of Marriage, but afterwards refufing it. She and her Parents tax him with the undoing of the you7ig Woman; wliereupon he leave th them, giving them no other fatisfa6lion then what they could gather out of a Copy of Verfes hefent them. Riding along the Road, I met with a young Girl with a Milk-Pail on her head, but I was amaz'd to fee fuch perfe6lion in one mortal face. I rid up to her very near, purpofely to entertain fome difcourfe with her, introdu6lory to a future 256 The Englijh Rogue'. Or, acquaintance : confidering the ground, you may- imagine the queftions I propounded to this pretty Rural Innocent were frivolous enough ; as, which was the readieft way to fuch a place, &c. which with much refpeft and modeft confidence fhe re- folv'd. She opening a gate to milk her Cows, I followed, and tying my horfe to an hedge, I beg'd her an excufe for being fo rude, and be- feecht her charitable opinion of my prefent a- 6lions, affuring her I would not offer the leaft injury nor prejudice to her chaflity. Being over- perfwaded with my proteflations and vows to that purpofe, fhe admitted me to fit down and difcourfe with her whileft fhe performed the office of a Milk-maid. I could hardly contain my felf within bounds when I viewed her pretty little hd,nd Jlrokitig t/te Duggs, which indeed had fo heightned my amorous paffion, that I foon forgot my Oaths and Promifes, but after fome dalliance, what by intreaties and love-perfwa- fions, and what by corporal ftrength, I obtained my defires. We then grew fomewhat more familiar, but the burden of the Song was, / had tmdone her; let him that reads judge the truth thereof. We conclude at length that fhe fhould go home to her Fathers houfe, and that near night I would come thither likewife, ac- cording to the time appointed, as if I had ne- ver feen her before, and that I cafually rid that way for information in the fleering of my courfe regularly in the profecution of my jour- ney. She fubtilly goes in, and acquaints her Father and Mother that there was a Gentleman (without) WiU}/ Extravagant. 257 whom by his countenance, garb and gefture, (hew'd himfelf no lefs ; that fearing to travel far- ther, being night, knowing not the way, defir'd to reft himfelf there till morning. With much refpe6ls from her Parents to her own great fatis- fa6lion (which I difcern'd in her eyes) I was kindly entertain'd, and nobly treated. That night we intended to be better acquainted by the renova- tion of our late enjoyments ; but our unlucky Starrs were impropitious to our amorous defigns. Next morning I feera'd to be very ill, that I might have fome pretence for my ftaying, which I ac- quainted the Daughter withal, the old people were very loving and courteous, fo that as foon as they heard thereof, with much pitty they vifited me, and with as much care they provided what was neceffary for me. I offer'd them money, (hew- ing good ftore of Gold, that they might have the better efteem of me. Thus I lay for at leaft a fort- night ; feveral Do6lors had been with me, but none knew my diftemper. All this while I nightly had the fociety of my frefh Country Mi ft res, who deviated from the common cuftomes of her Sex, did not coyifhly refufe that which was the center of her hopes, wiflies and defires. Fearing leaft I might be fufpe6led, I left off counterfeiting, and ftiew'd them fome recovery of my ftrength. When at any time the good old people would come into my Chamber to fit with me, the main fubjeft of my difcourfe would be the re- fentments of their favours, and that if I liv'd I would gratefully repay them. Being reftor'd to my former healthful condition, I one day told them I could never recompence their love and S 258 The Englijh Rogue. Or, care of me but by marrying their Daug'hter, whom I told them I loved moft affeflionately. Her Parents made many excufes. As that fhe was but a poor Country Girle, and the like, but glad I perceived they were to hear fuch an over- prized motion. Enquiries I made in a Neigh- bouring Town what this farmer was, whom I un- derftood by all to be very wealthy, and that time was not more careful to furnifh him with filver Hairs, then he induftrious to maintain them by the procuration of a plentiful Eftate : My wanton was his only Darling, for whom he furrowed the furface of the Earth, and for whom he chofe ra- ther to fell then to eat his better fort of Provifion, that he might add to her Portion. It was now he thought he had well beftowed his labour, fmce he had met with fuch a bleffed opportunity where- in he fhould add Gentility to his daughters riches. O the flaughter of Piggs, Geefe, Capons, which as to fome Idol were Sacrifices diurnally offered to procure my favour! And as he was liberalin his Food, fo was not I fparing in the fending for Wine, fix Dozen of Bottles at a time : So that the Old man was brought to this pafs, that he cared not whether he fpent his Eftate on me, or gave it ; and that young Girl fo well pleafed with her imaginary Paradife here, that I am con- fident fhe would never have been induced to have exchanged this for any other on equal terms. Inexpreffable was our fatisfaftion on all hands, but nothing gave them greater content then to fee us together, by which we had as many oppor- tunities as we lifted. My main aim was ftill to know of my young Miftrefs what ftore of Coyn her Father had, and where it lay, but to my Witty Extravagant. 259 great grief and vexation l"he told me he had not five pound within doors, having lately bought a purchafe. I now thought it was to little purpofe to ftay longer, fince I could not glean from her Fathers harveft, though I had reapt the crop of- her Mothers labour, and fo refolved to be going, but not without one nights folemn leave taking of her. The night being come, fhe purpofely flayed up till all the reft were gone to bed. But we being too imprudently hafty in the Kitchin, ftumbled againft two Barrels piled one on the other and fell ; and we both were fo intangled, that we could not difingage our felves fo foon, but that her Father came out crying, In the name of Goodnefs what is the matter? And groping about caught me by the naked breech. Seeing there was no remedy, I defired him to be filent; and not fpread his Daughters difgrace; if fo, I would make her fhortly a recompence. The old man was very much perplext, and could not for- bear telling his Wife of what had part. They both cryed out that their Daughter was undone: The Daughter was in the fame tone, unlefs I would fpeedily marry her. I ftayed afterwards about fome three dayes to colour the matter, and at lad marcht off incognito, fending her twenty pieces of Gold, and a Coppy of Verfes, which, although I knew they underftood not, yet I could not but exprefs my felf by writ- ing, if for nothing elfe but mine own fatisfa6lion. Is it notjlrange thoic and thy friends /houldfay. Thou art undone by me? Lets fee which way. Have I not done to my great toyl and pain. What all thy friends cannot undo again. 26o The Englijh Rogue : Or, Call but to mind the pleafures thou haft tajled, The hours and minutes which with thee I wajled To bring thee to perfelio7i ; and to teach Thee learning, far above the Sexes reach. Have I not taught thee off Afironomy, Within thy Mothers Garden, fhew'd thee all TJie Starry courfe, and SpJiears Celefiial. Did I not teach thee Poetry that night And how in Tripped Daily Is thou fhouldfl write. I taught thee then Geometry, the notion Of length and bredth, egality, proportion Of Quadrant Triangles; the way to enter Circles, or Semi-circles; how the Center Stands ever fixt, how that every line Direft, or oblique, circular, or trine Hath flill its ending; how to take the height Of any blazing bearded Star by night. I taught thee Muficks harmony to know, To keep true time, w^^r^ thou fhouldfl r&^,and how: L earn' d thee likewife thy notes, large, long, & brief Prickt Minom, with a Crotchet, and the chief Of the lovd Art, good difcant for to m.ake Upon a plain Song, Difcords alfo take With a fweet clofe, and m,eltingly to fall Into a Treble, ravifhing withal. I shew'd thee why Artifls hold six Cliffs befl. And why ^ tis prized far above the refi, Becaufe it keeps the middfl; the very heart And Soul of Mufick is the inner part. Yet art undone thou faidflf Is to impart The hidden fecrets of m,yfierious art Undoing to tJwe. Had ft thou ever fpent Thy m.eans upon me, or thy fnoney lent, And fmd not paid the Infrefl back to thee. Thou and thy friends might thefi have raiVd at me. Wtify Extravagant. 26 1 What wert thou before I knew thee, but an Afsy A rude negle6led liome-fpun Country lafs, Knotving not Jww to f peak, to go or look. But hide thy felf wJien feen in every nook. And blujh, nay tremble if thou wert found out; Strive to be gone again, fcratch, cry, and pout If one but touch thy Apron, and lootddfi fpit IrHs mouth fJiould come to kifs thee: for thy wit It did extend but unto no, and I, Confefs this truth, or elfe in faith you lye. This was thy eloquence; why did I love thee? Young, plump atid fair thou wert, and that did move me. I took thee and refifid thee, made thee new, Altered thy nciture, chang'd thy former hew: Taught thee to kifs, embrace, and entertain A lover with that Sfrit and catching veiny Tlie Goddefs of delight in her own fport May flrive to equal thee, but tnufl come fliort. Where hadft tJiou all thy breeding but from me? Who bound theefirfl, and now have made thee free? Thy petulant difcourfe, and apifh toying, A cltange of humours, now a fulkn coying, All which I taught thee, which do make thee rare, Now are thy A t tributes as well as fair: And w/iat content is in a Jimpering fool, A fqueamifh thing, fhe doth iftans fpitits cool; Beats back t/te flowing current of his blood, And ebbs it in the very fp ring orfloud, ' Tis /larfh to hear a School boy ift one tone Repeat his lefjon like a Bagpipes drone. But it doth ravifJt with delight tfie ear Well worded and fweet languag'd lines to Jiear, Pronounced by one hath skill and art to know WJien hefJiould raife his voyce, w/ien bring it lozu. 262 The Englijh Rogue: Or, For though a Poet write good Lines, it is The fpeaker tJiat doth make them, hit or mifs. So though a Wench be nere fo fair, fo neat. Or well proportioned, if Jhe wont the feat Of ailing well upon loves Theater, It will not make mans loving pajjion ftir. She's like one handfome in a fplendid fuit, Onely to fit a Stage and play the Mute A nd fJiall not go clapt off with frequent kiffeSy The Lovers plaudit, but diflafiful hiffes. Andfuch wert thou, when firfl I met with thee. Now have I brought thee to thy excellence With my excefjive toyl, and dear expence Of my befi blood; and added to thee more Then was in all thy Anceftors before Gentility. / have enricht thy mind With the chief Ornament of Woman kind Behaviour: Taught thee to live and fpend Of thy own gettings, without help of friend. A7id have I this ungrateful Girle for all That I have done to thee. Why dofi thou call Me thy Undoer. How eWe I will forgive^ For Tm in charity, and do believe The onely caufe why I am taxt fo fore With thy undoing, 'caufe I do no more. Witty Extravagant. 263 CHAR XXXIII. From this Farmers hotife he rides he cared not whither. On the Road he is Jlrangely furprized by a Woman-robber in Mans apparrel; He difcovers it by unbuttoning her Breeches to fearch for private Pockets within. They two conclude a perpetual Friendjhip. ABruptly taking my leave of the Farmer and his loving Daughter, I rid a long time, but met with none worthy of my taking Cognizance: being wearied, I ftruck into an Inn, and by that time I had throughly refrefht my felf, the even- ing began to approach. Whereupon I mounted, and fo put on, Pafllng by a fmall Coppice in a bottom between two Hills, a Gentleman (as I then fuppofed) well armed, and handfomely ac- coutred, ftarted out upon me, and bid me deliver inftantly. Hearing him fay fo, I told him if he would have but the patience I would ; and with that drew out a Pocket- Piflol and fired it at him, without doing any execution. If you are for a little fport (faid the Gentleman) I fhall fhow you fome inftantly; whereupon drawing a Piftol he fhot me into the leg: having fo done, with his Sword (which hung ready at his wrift) neatly at a 264 The Englijh Rogue; Or, blow he cut the reins of my bridle, fo that I was not able to guide my horfe. But he being good at command, and ufed to the charge, with the winding of my body I gave him to underftand what he was to do. Come Sir, faid my adverfary, have you enough yet? In faith Sir, faid I, I'le exchange but one Piftol more, and if that prove infuccefsful I fhall fubmit to your mercy. Where- upon I fhot, but miffed my mark, however I kil- led his Horfe, which inflantly fell: my Gentle- man was fo nimble, that before I could think what to do, he had fheathed his fword in my Horfes belly, which made me come tumbling down too with a Horfe-pox. Once more, faid my Antagonift, we are upon equal terms, and fmce the obfcurity of the place gives us freedom, let us try our cou- rages, one muft fall. And thereupon with his Sword (which was for cut and thruft) he made a full pafs at my bodie ; but putting it by I clofed in with him, and upon the Hug threw him with much facility; I wondered much at it; which I need not have done, fmce his nature (as after- wards I underftood) was fo prone to it. Having him down. Now, Sir, faid I, I Ihall teach you to be careful on whom you fet : you have as impru- dently undertaken this enterprize as a Pickeroon did once, who feeing a Man of War high built, and but few men aboard her difcoverable, her Port-holes being like wife faft, clapt her aboard immediately, thinking fhe had been a Merchant- man; but they found the contrary, the deck being inftantly filled with men that were below, and running out her Guns there could be no wif- dom in refiftance. Wherefore now Sir yield, or Wilty Extravagant. 265 I fhall compel you. With much relu6lancy he did. With cords I had ready for that purpofe, I tyed both his hands and feet, and fo fell to rifling him. Unbuttoning his Doublet to find whether there was no Gold quilted therein, I wondered to fee a pair of Breafts fo unexpe6ledly greater and whiter then any mans ; but being intent about my bufmefs, that amazement vanifht from my thoughts. Then did I come to his breeches (which I laid open) my curious fearch omitted not any place wherein I might fufpe6l the conceal- ment of moneys : at laft proffering to remove his fhirt from between his legs, he fuddenly cryed out (and flrove to lay his hand there, but could not) I befeech you Sir be civil, faid he : I ima- gining that fome notable Treafure lay there ob- fcured, I pulled up his fhirt {alias Smock) and found my felf not much miftaken. The fight fo furprized me, as if I had been con- verted into a Statue by the head of a Gorgon, but after a little paufe, I haftily unbound her, and taking her in my Armes, Pardon me moft coura- gious Amazoji, (faid I) for thus rudely dealing with you, it was nothing but ignorance that caufed this errour ; for could my dim-fighted foul have diftinguifht what you were, the greatnefs of love and refpefl I bear your Sex would have de- terred me from contending with you. But I efteem this my ignorance, my greatefl happinefs, fince knowledge in this cafe would have deprived me of the benefit of knowing there could be fo much Prowefs in a Woman. For your fake I fhall ever retain (fince you have reftored it) a good efteem of the worft of Females. She beg'd me not to be too tedious in my expreffions, nor pump for 266 The Englifh Rogue: Or, eloquent phrafes, alledging this was no proper place to make Orations in. But if you will enlarge your felf, let us go to a place not far diftant from this, better known, but to few befides my felf. I liked her advice very well, and return- ing what I had taken from her, I followed it, by following her through divers obfcure paflages till we came to a Wood, where in a place the Sun had not feen fmce the firft deluge, flood an Houfe. At our approach the Servants were all in a hurry who fhould firft obey Mrs. Virago's commands, for they all knew her, being no way eftranged to her difguife, but wondered to fee St. George, and his trufty Efquire on foot, neither durfl they fhow themfelves inquifitive prefently : with much refpe6l we were conducted into a very ftately room, where embracing each other, we. knit an indiffolvable tye of friendfhip. WtUj' Extravagant 267 CHAP. XXXIV. AJter Supper they enter in Difcour/e, wherein Jhe giveth him ajliort account of her Life, and the caufe of her undertaking fuch an extravagant and dangerous courfe ; relating how notably fJie revenged her felf on her Husband for his unwor- thy and bafe carriage towards Jier. HAvingrefreflitourfelves withwhat the Houfe afforded, and Bottles and Pipes had fup- plied the place of Difhes ; we dialogu'd as fami- liarly, as if our acquaintance had bore equal date with our nativities. And now it was fhe laid her felf open to me, not concealing any thing, hav- ing before made my felf acquainted with her greateft Secret. Frankly fhe called for Bottles of Wine, which we fmartly drank together out of Beer-glaffes : had not Supper been fi>eedily pro- vided, which required a ceffation for fome time, I fliould not have been in a condition to difcem the Difli, nor him that brought it to the Table. Having taken fome repaft, I began to be refreflit, fhe not in the leafl: difturbed all this while. I preft her to tell me what fhe was, and what manner of life fhe led. Sir, faid fhe, I cannot deny your requefl: ; wherefore to fatisfie you, know that I was the Daughter of a Sword-Cutler. In my younger days my Mother would have taught me to handle a Needle ; but my Martial fpirit gain-faid all perfwafions to that purpofe. I could 268 The EnglifJt Rogtie : Or, never endure to be among the Utenfils of the Kitchin, but fpent moft of my time in my Fathers fhop, taking wonderful delight in handling thofe Warlike Inftruments: to take a Sword in my hand well mounted and brandifh it, was reckoned by me among the chief of my recreations. Being about a douzen years of age, I ftudied all wayes imaginable how I might make my felf acquainted with a Fencing-Mailer. Time brought my de- fires to their complement, for fuch a one as I wifht for, cafually came into our Shop to have his blade furnilht ; and Fortune fo ordered it, there was none to anfwer him but my felf. Hav- ing given him that fatisfaflion he defired, though not expefling it from me : Amongft other talke I demanded of him whether he was not a Pro- feflor of the Noble Science .-' (for I gueft fo much by his Poflures, Looks, and expreffions.) He told me he was a well-wilier thereunto. Being glad of this opportunity, defiring him to conceal my intentions, I requefted him the favour as to give me fome inftruftions how I fhould manage a Sword: at firft he feemed amazed at my pro- pofal, but perceiving I was in earnefl, he granted my petition, allotting me fuch a time to come to him as was moft convenient. I became fo ex- pert at Back-fword and Single-Rapier in a fhort time, that I needed not his afliftance any longer; My Parents not in the leaft miftrufling any fuch thing. I (hall wave what Exploits I did by the help of a difguife, and only tell you that when I arrived to fifteen years of age, an Inne-Keeper Married me, and carried me into the Country. For two years we lived very peaceably and comfortably WiUj' Extravagant. 269 together, but at length the infolent and impe- rious temper of my Husband made me begin to fhow my Natural humour. Once a week we feldom mill of a Combat between us, which frequently proved fo Iharp, that it was well if my Husband came off with a fmgle broken pate, by which means the gaping wounds of our difcontents and differences being not prefently falved up, they became in a manner incurable. I never was much inclined to love him, becaufe he was of a mean daftardly fpirit, and ever hated that a Dunghill-Cock fhould tread a Hen of the Game. Being ftinted likewife of Money, my life grew altogether comfortlefs, and I lookt on my condition as infupportable : Wherefore as the only remedy or expedient to mitigate my vexatious troubles, I contrived a way how I might fome- times take a Purfe, I judged this refolution fafe enough, (if I were not taken in the very fa6l) for who could fufpe6l me to be a Robber, wearing abroad upon fuch defigns mans Apparel, but at home onely that which was fuitable and agree- able to my own Sex ? Befides, none could have better encouragement and conveniency then my felf ; for, keeping an Inn, who is more pro- per to have in cuftody what charge my Guefts brought into my houfe then my felf? or if com- mitted to my Husbands tutelage, I could not fail to inform my felf of the richnefs of the Booty. Moreover, the Hoftefs is the perfon whofe com- pany is moft defired, before whom they are no ways fcrupulous to relate which way they are going, and frequently what the affair was that led them that way. Courage I knew I wanted not, (be you my im- 270 TJie Englijh Rogtie: Or, partial Judge, Sir) what then could hinder me from being fuccefsful in fuch an enterprize ? Being thus refolved, I foon procured neceffary Habiliments for thefe my contrivances; and never mifcarried in any of them till now. In- ftead of going to Market, or riding five or fix miles about fuch a bufinefs, (the ufual pretences with which I blinded my Husband) I would when out of fight ride a contrary road to this Houfe (wherein we now are) and here Metamorphofe my felf, and being fitted at all points ; Pad un- controulably, coming off alwayes moft Vi6lori- oufly. Not long fince my Husband had about one hundred pounds due to him fome twenty Miles from his habitation, and defigned fuch a day for its reception : Glad I was to hear of this, refolv- ing now to be revenged of him for all thofe inju- ries and churlifh outrages he had committed againft me : I knew very well which way he went, and knew the time of his coming home ; where- fore I way-laid him at his return. And happily as 1 would have it, he did not make me wait above three hours for him. I let him pafs me, knowing that by the fwiftnefs of my Horfe I could eafily overtake him, and fo I did, riding with him a mile or two before I could do my in- tended bufinefs. At laft (looking about me) I faw the coaft clear on every fide : Wherefore rid- ing up clofe to him, and laying hold of his Bridle, I clapt a Piftol to his breaft, commanding him to deliver, or he was a dead man. My imperious Don feeing death before his face, had like to have faved me the labour by dying voluntarily without compulfion, and fo amazed at his fuddain furprizal, that he lookt like an Apparition, or one WiUy Extravagant. 271 lately rifen from the dead. Sirrha (faid I) be quick : but a dead Palfie had fo feized every part of him, that his eyes were incapable of dire6ling^ his hands to his Pocket. But I foon recalled his loft fpirits by two or three fmart blows with the flat of my Sword, which fo wakened him out of that deep Lethargy he was in, that with much fubmifllvenefs he delivered me his moneys. After I had difmounted him and cut the Reins of his Bridle and Girts, I bafted him foundly, till that I had made jelly of his bones, and that his flelh lookt like Egyptian Mummy. Now you Rogue (faid I) I am even with you ; have a care the next time how you ftrike a Woman (your wife I mean) for none but fuch as dare not fight a man, will lift up his hand againft the weaker Veffel. Now you fee what it is to provoke them ; for if irritated too much, they are reftlefs till they have accomplifht their fatisfa6lory revenge : I have a good mind to end thy wicked courfes with thy life, but that I am loath to be hanged for nothing, fuch a worthlefs man. Farewell ; this money fhall ferve me to purchafe Wine to drink healths to the confufion of fuch Rafcally and mean-fpirited things. And fo I left him. She was about to have proceeded in fuch agree- able relations of her rencounters, when word was brought her up, two Gentlemen below defired to fpeak with her : craving my excufe, fhe went down, and in a little time returned with them : She made an Apology to me for fo doing, adding that if fhe had committed a crime herein, my future knowledge of thofe perfons would exten- uate it. By their effeminate countenances I could not mifs of judging rightly what they were, viz., 272 The Englijh Rogue : Or, Females. After feveral difcourfes we grew fo fami- liar, that the longefl continued friendfhip could not boaft of more freedom. Having talkt and drank ourfelves weary, we concluded to lye all in one chamber, there being two beds : what our No6lurnal paffages were, I'le give the Reader leave to imagine. i Witty Extravagant. 273 CHAP. XXXV. Here he relates (modejlly) what fatisfaflion he received from his new Female-acquaintance, and what occajioned the two lajl income Amazons to attempt tfie fiazardoiis enterprises of t/te High Pad: with tJicir Cliaracler and courfe of Life. T Hough Melancholy Night had drawn her fable curtains about her Hemifphere, yet the coverled of our Opticks was not yet laid down to admit our a6live fenfes to their ufual reft and re- pofe: obfcured darknefs had every where pro- claimed filence about us on penalty of diflrafted incompofednefs; yet we feared not the breach of thofe binding Laws, by breaking our minds to each other interchangeably. My conquered foe (now my new friend) firft began to relate to her old affociates the rife of our late rencounter, and the fuccefs, which fhe expreft with fo much life and ingenuity, that they knew not which to value moft, her wit, or my courage; but when flie came to relate the manner of the difcovcry of her fcx, fo petulant and facetious was her difcourfc, that T 2/4 The Englijh Rogue: Or, it occafioned a great deal of laughter and mirth among us. Having throughly difcourfl: varieties, for further diverfion one of thefe late Incommers undertook to give us a fummary of her Come- rades (or Sifters) being therewith intermixt; now I muft give her leave to tell her own Tale. Sir, (for to you I apply my difcourfe particular^ Xy, being wholly ignorant of what thefe two in- feparable Companions of mine well underftand) I fhall not trouble your ear with any thing but what is abfolutely neceffary: laying afide there- fore fuperfluous Preambles, let me tell you I was the eldeft Daughter of a Vinter in London, a man lookt on fo wealthy, that he was called upon for Alderman, having no more Children then a Son, my Self, and this my dear Sifter, my Me- tamorphofed follower. My Brother I think was begot out of degenerate Wine, and that made him fo degenerate from Virtue and a good Spirit : a hot fiery fellow, always on the fret, till his Cask or Carcafs was pierced ; and fo I leave him as I found him, an empty Hogfheard. This obftacle being removed (the Reniora to our fair promifing Fortune) none were more extold and courted for Wealth and Beauty (rare- ly feen together) then my Sifter and felf ; men of all fizes, both of Wit, Eftate and Stature, daily frequented my Fathers Houfe, pretending they came for the goodnefs of Wine there ven- ded, till they had got an intereft in our acquain- tance, and then they unmaskt their meaning. Several overtures were made to our Parents, who like good domeftick Polititians, feemed to like, to incourage them to continue coming for their Wttf}' Extravagant. 275 expence fake: frequently they befpake Dinners, vying who fhould exceed in prodigahty, think- ing thereby to gain efteem, while the old Fox did but laugh at them in private for their pains. My Mother had her trade at her fingers ends ; for when fhe would oblige any of them to any trea- ty, it was but calling him Son, or Sirrah you are a wag, my Benjamin muft have the largefl Portion, &c. By this means fhe chained them to the houfe, and to engage them the more, per- mitted us to bear them company; but fearing left we might glut our Idolators by too long ftay- ing (for we fooner furfeit on delicates than cour- fer fare) our Mother would call us, pretending prefent bufmefs, and would then fupply the place her felf; then would they charge afrefh, till they had blinded one another. I mufb needs fay, my Mothers company was defervingly de- firable : for though fhe had paft her ages^Equinox, yet her beauty appeared but a very little decli- ning. In her youthful dayes fhe was the wonder of her Sex, and was lo generally talkt of among Beauty-hunters, that our Tavern was never empty, and happy was he that could procure the drinking of a glafs with her at the Bar, but tranfported, if they could obtain the favour to have her company in a room : which for profit fhe fometimes permitted, and fomething elfe, which my Father winked at gladly, becaufe he could not find the like expedient to enrich him- felf She was comely, tall, and of a beautious blufliing brown ; her hair proper to her com- plexion, neatly put into curls and folds by Na- ture: Her face was made up of excellent parts; 2/6 The EngliJJi Rogue: Or, as a quick eye and full ; her circled brows graceful and big ; her nofe not over Ro- man, with a full mouth ; the largenefs of the lips commendable, becaufe plump and red ; her dimpled chin (which Nature had drawn, with a wanton touch of her Penfil) did fingularly fet out her looks moft comely. Her neck was round, rifmg, full and fat : her Bodie well fed, not fat ; an Italian Don's delight. When any Gentle- men came in, me thinks I now fee how fhe leared out of her inticing Italianated eyes, able to confound a Saint. In fhort, her hair was enough to enchant you into thofe mazes, but that her looks were fo neer, which hooked yours into her eyebals, full, black and rowling ; and when flie had you, fhe held you there. Neither was (he a niggard of thofe gifts were fo liberally be- fhowed on her, but communicated a tafte there- of to divers ; for as fhe was naturally prone to whorifhnefs, fo flie gave her inclinations the reins, and at laft became fo impudent, that fhe did frequently that in our fights, which though we underftood not, being too young, yet forcea- bly drew a blufh into our tender cheeks. Being in her prime, fhe gave her felf fo much libertie, that flie was a fhame to her Sex ; there was not any vice that was attended either by pleafure or profit, but fhe would be fharer therein. And now being gulled with fhadows and impoftures, fhe drew up the Portcullis of her heart, and laid the gates thereof wide open to her own ruine. Who would imagine, that a pleafing countenance could harbour villany, or that a fmik could fet upon the face of mifchief.'' IVt/fy Extravagant. 277 But therein (he fhewed her felf a Curtezan of the right ftamp, that for her own advantage can en- tertain mans appetite with wanton dalliance, but will never make affurance of fettled love. When men think themfelves moft interefted in her, then was it frequently that they were fartheft from her. I am fomewhat the longer in my Mothers Character, that I might the fuller demonflrate what was the original that I fo exa6lly copied in the a6lions of my own life.i Did Parents confider how prevalent their wicked examples are with their Iffue, they would be lefs curious to cleanfe their houfes of dirt and dufl againft the comming of their friends, and more careful not to fee them hung with vices in the prefence of their Children. You fee I know the difference between good and evil, becaufe I talk fo well, though I acl fo ill. But to proceed. How is it pofTible the Daughter fhould be chafte, that cannot reckon up the adulteries of her Mother, though fhe be nere fo well in breath, without a dozen flops or intermiflions at the leafl ? Such as are confcious to thefe faults in others, cannot but be capable of them in themfelves. The hearing of them told, begets a willingnefs to try them : the fee- ing of them done, a wilfulnefs to do them. She prefumed I believe upon our indifcretions as Children, perfwading her felf we had not wit enough to difcern it. But alas ! fhe erred in her Cyphers, and was much miflaken in her accounts : for we coming to years, did not flick to that in her fight, which fhe before would not forbear in ours. And with what face could fhe reprove us? 2/8 The Englijh Rogue : Or, The crooked wretch miijl 7iot upbraid the lame, Nor Muji the Moor the tawny hidian blame. Her houfe did daily fwarm with fuch as pre- tended more then common kindnefsto me. Seve- ral my Parents approved of as wealthy, and propounded them to me, whom I only difliked for want of comelinefs. One I confefs I could have fancied highly for his wit, had not his formation been fo extravagant and prepofterous. O the in- numerable quantity of Poetick brats which Pallas- like fprang out of his head, and fo peftred my Chamber, that I could hardly fleep for the tram- pling of their feet : fome whereof appear'd fo fair unto me from a Father fo foul, that I have car- ried them in my bofome to converfe with them among the folitary fhades. I proteft civility could fcarce keep me from laughing outright every time I faw him, his whole compofure appear'd to me fo ridiculous. For firft, his head feem'd to fmk down into his breft, his eyes flaring affrighted at the danger, whilft his mouth continually gaped, as if it intended to cry out for help : his back and breft bunched out, as if a wallet ftuffed at both ends had hung over his fhoulder behind and be- fore. Though extravagant enough, you could not fay he fhewed much wafte. Had you feen him on a rainy day, by the length of his leggs (yet of dwarfifh ftature) you would have thought him mounted on ftilts, and wading through the dirt with a boy at his back. Now let me skip over his perfon, and only tell you how I ferved him, and then I have done with him. That day I faw him not, I had his reprefentation fent me, which IVl/iy Extravagant. 279 was good diverfion, but his prefence was infuffer- able : to the intent therefore that I might be rid of him, I fent him thefe lines. SIR, Yoti are the Son of Efop, for I find Legitimation by your fliape and mind; Deform d ye are alike, thence V is thought fit Tliat fuch defers fJiould be fiipply'd by wit. Your afpe6l^s monfirous foul, yet dotit complain. Your iff ues fair, tJie produM of your brain. But flay, I niufl recal my felf for know My praifes are like to your felf , too low : Troth when I view you well, fny fattcy mnfl Imagine you imich like a Capo7i trufl, Or like Sir Hudibras, nick-namd All-feather, Or like one tyd both neck and Jieels together : Nor do not think Pygmean Sir that I Will fall in love with meer deformity ; Then court Jome Succubus, a fiend will be A fitter match : fo think no more on me. Thefelinesfo nettled him, that having belcht out fome execrations againft me and our fex, I never heard more of him. To be fhort, there was none could get any intereft in me, but our Head- drawer, a neat flaxen-hair'd dapper fellow ; fo pafllonately we loved one the other, that we could not forbear holding fome private corre- fpondence at nights. My Father at length fuf- pefting us, turned away his man, whofe abfence I could not brook, and therefore refolved t6 follow after, which I did, taking with me what 28o The EngliPi Rogue: Or, ready money my Father had in his cuftody ; and finding out my dear Comerade, this 'was the re- fult of our confultation, that I fhould cloath my felf like a man, and fo travel together. It will be too tedious to relate how and whither we went ; but let it fuffice to tell you, that after we had run through France and Italy, and wearied our felves in forreign parts, we concluded to re- turn for England. We landed at Dover, having made an end of our voyage and money together, faving fo much as would purchafe Horfe & Armes; for Padding was the way we agreed on to recruit our decayed ftock. Many were the Robberies we committed, taking fuch a courfe that the Devil could hardly dete6l us : for fometimes when we had robbed, and fearing left we fhould be taken by the Hue and Cry, it was but turning my horfe loofe, and then would I put on womans apparel (which I always carried in my Portmantle in fuch expeditions) and getting up behind my dear friend, I paft unfufpe6led as his wife. This ftra- tagem frequently proved a fafeguard to us both. By this means we feveral times robbed houfes, under the pretence of my friends taking lodgings for himfelf and Wife. To tell you in what manner and how often we played our pranks under a double difguife, would take up more time then is convenient. Wherefore I fhall now wind up myftory; My Comerade in an unhappy enterprize received a fhot in his fhoulder, which proved Mortal, for not long after he died. Being then deftitute of my dear companion, I had feveral thoughts of returning home ; but that I liked my trade fo well, I could not be induced to leave it. Witty Extravagant. 281 However, I went to my Fathers houfe frequently with roaring Blades ; but they knew me not, though fometimes they would ftare upon me,, as if their eyes would have ftarted out of their heads for joy to fee their old acquaintance. At laft I took a con- venient opportunity under the veil of courtfhip to difcover my felf to my Sifter (here prefent) who underftanding my courfe of life, and know- ing well her own conftitution, for my fake refol- ved to hazard all, and run one rifque with me. Having inftru6led her how (he fhould rob her Fa- ther, as I had done before her, we met at a place appointed, and fo took our journey hitherward. Now if our converfation may be any wayes plea- fmg, and our fervice advantagious, we are both your devoted fervants. She uttered thefe words with fuch a grace, that I could not forbear im- bracing her. After we had plighted faiths, and mutually careffed each other, we betook our felves to reft, which you may imagine was little enough. 282 The EngliJJi Rogue \ Or, CHAR XXXVI. How he with his new female padding Comrade contrived notable fiibtil and fafe ways to rob together ; with a relation of fome retnarkable Jiories which were the effels of thofe confulta- tions. ANgry I was when I perceived the appearance of day, which I knew would unavoidably rob me of my prefent delight and pleafure. But it was only my fear of being deprived of fo much blifs made me fo groffely to miftake, for I quickly found my happinefs inlarged by the approaching light, my fence of feeing being now made Co- partner with that of feeling. Love had now his eyes reftored him, who before only groped for the naked truth in the dark. Now did we begin afrefh to renew our late fweet no6lurnal paftime ; and could our bodies have any wayes anfwered our boundlefs defires, our bed would have been the fole concern we fhould have minded, till that time which mufl put a period to this tranfitory life. But to avoid the cenfure of fluggifhnefs, we all refolved to rife, and unanimoufly ftrive & contend who fhould make the beft proof of the greateft ingenuity in contriving what may give the largeft fatisfa6lion both to mind and body. As 2.pr(zlu- Wiffy Extravagant. 283 dium to our intended purpofe, and a reftorative to our decayed ftrengths, we firft refolved upon buttered Sack, with other things of Hke comfort- ing natures : & now finding our felves by this firft effay fo much beyond expeftation revived and fitted for mirth and pleafure, we ftraight gave order for a Dinner to be fpeedily prepared, whofe compofition fhould be of the choiceft viands. And that the time might not feem tedious in the in- terim, it was put to the vote what paftime we fhould make choice of for divertifement. Some were for bodily exercife, but I was clearly againft that, having fo lately tired my felf with it : be- fides my lamenefs, which was occafioned by the fhot I received in my legg from my Valiant Ren- countrefs. It was at length agreed on by all, that we fhould entertain our felves with Mufick and Difcourfe. A match (faid the eldeft Sifter) and to the intent you may fee my freedom a Extravagant. 315 CHAP. XLIV. How he was revenged on a Broker for arrejling him for fonie Goods he had pafi his word for upon his friends account. N' Otwithftanding I dayly thus, almoft, cheated one or other, procuring thereby confidera- ble fums of money, yet, by my drinking, Whore- ing, and defending my felf from fuch as I had wronged, I feldom kept any money by me. One day as I walk'd the ftreets fecurely, as I thought, a fellow faftned his Flefh-Hooks on my Shoulder. Looking about to fee what this fudden clap meant, I faw a fellow behind me, whofe face lookt ten times worfe than thofe Philiftines that are pic- tured on Chimny pieces, feizing upon Samfon ; his mouth was as largely vaulted as that within Alderfgate ; his Vifage was almofl eaten through with Pock-holes, every hole fo big, that they would have ferved for Children to play at Cherry-pit; His Nofe refembled an Hand-faw; take both Head and Face together, and it appeared like the Saracens on Snow-hill; queflionlefs fome In- cubus begot him on a Witch. Having a little recovered my felf from my amazement, I askt him what his bufmefs was with me } He fpake but little, leaving his errand to his Mace (which he fhewed me) to relate. Away they carried me to Woodfireet at the Kings-head, from whence I fent for Bail, which fpeedily came to me : having put in Bail to one Aflion, I found another en- 3i6 The Englijh Rogue-. Or, ter'd : having done the like to that I found ano- ther, half a dozen more bearing it company ; wherefore thanking my friends for the trouble I had put them to, I defired them to leave me, re- folving to go to Ludgate. The two Serjeants that arrefted me conduced me thither, having my name enter'd in the Paper-Houfe, as Horfes in Stnithfield are in the Tole-booth: Cerberus \Mxr^^^ the Key, and fet the door as wide open as Weji- mmJler-HaW Gate in the Term-time to Country Client, to receive me from my Hell-guides, which puts me in mind of that old Verfe, No6les at que dies patet atri janua ditis. I no fooner was enter'd into this inchanted Ifle, where fome lie wind-bound fometimes feven years together, but a fellow (whom at firft fight I took to be a Gardner, becaufe he had a kind of Reddijh beard, and turn'd up withal) came to me, and underftanding I was a Prifoner, feem'd mighty courteous, profering me his Chamber, for my Garnifh fake. I accepted his kindnefs, and went with him to view this Cobweb-hung Cham- ber, for fo it proved; I demanded of him who fhould be my Bed-fellow? that Gentleman there Sir, faid he, that fits by the fire-fide: I could not forbear fmiling, for he was a fat fquobby fellow, though his brain feemed to be lean. I believe he was his own Barber, and was forc'd to make ufe of a Knife inflead of a Razor; for his beard it was cut round like a rubbing brufh. Certainly, had all the skin of his body been like that of his face, it would have ferved excellent well when he was dead to make cloke-bags of Not content with this lodging, I fought out another; liking it fome- what better then the former, I pitcht on it. Affoon Wtttjy Extravagant. 3 1 7 as they underftood my refolution, they worried me prefently like angry Maftiffs, barking for their Garnifh ; I told them they fhould have it to mor- row, at which they grumbled like the greateft ftrings of a Bafe-Viol. Before I went to Bed I muft pay for a pair of fheets, that never came nigh Holland by three hundred miles, and out of much civility my Bedfellow brought me a Candle not fo long as his nofe to light me to Bed. The next morning I made it my bufmefs to get out affoon as I could ; fome I paid, others I non- fuited, and fo got clear. Being out I refolved not to reft till I had revenged my felf on this Broker that had thus troubled me. I needed not means for the Devil feldom failed to help my inventions. I pretended to go into the Country, and in order to it pack'd up a Trunk of what I had moft va- luable and portable, and getting a Porter, fent it to an Inn where a Norwich-ddsxyox ufed to lye, but I knew him to be gone the day before. Going along with the Porter, I enquired for fuch a Carryer, but they told me he was gone, and would not return till the next week. I askt them them where I might lay my Trunk fafe : they fhewed me a Room; where bidding the Por- ter fit down, I called for fome Ale, telling the Porter, moreover, that I would have him be a witnefs of what there was in the Trunk, left I fhould be diftioneftly dealt by ; whereupon I un- lockt it, defiring him to take notice, which he did, and to be more fure took an Inventory in Writing. Having paufed a little, now I think upon it (faid I) Porter, it will not be fafe to leave this here in a publique houfe, as in a friends, wherefore prethee go buy a Cord, and thou fhalt carry it el fe where. 3i8 TJie EngliJJi Rogue \ Or, Whileft he was gone, I took out the chiefefl: things and put in rubbifh, or what I could get, and fo lockt it again. The Porter returning, we corded the Trunk, and carried it to this Broker, who took it kindly from me, that I would intruft him after our controverfie, and received it. The next week I told him I would call for it, in order to the fending it into the Country. The time being come, I took the fame Porter with me, and demanding the Trunk, it was forthwith delivered me. Come, Porter, faid I, you muft uncord it again, for I have prefent ufe for ibmething therein contain'd ; which being done, I feemingly amaz'd, cryed out I was rob'd, taxing the Broker for fo doing, villifying him for his knavery. He protefted that he never lookt on it to his knowledge fmce the receipt thereof. Well Sir (faid I) this Ihall not ferve your turn, this honeft Porter knows how differently it is fraught from what he faw it at firft. In a great feeming heat I left him, but before he flept I fent a couple of Serjeants to him, who arretted him; coming to tryal, by the aflifbance of two (refolv'd Jurors) and this Porter, I overthrew him, and re- covered above forty pound, befides coft of Suit. CHAP. XLV. How he cozened a rich U/urer, and a young Trad.ef- man. B Eing refolved to go and look out fome of my Conforts to rejoyce together for my good WtUy Extravagant. 319 fuccefle in my advantagious revenge, I met with an old comrade that had lately heav'd a Booth, Anglice broken open a Shop, who told me he had a quantity of good comodities, and defired me to put them off for him, knowing that I dealt in Brokeage in goods indirectly come by: I promifed him I would. The next day he delivered what he had into my hands, I inftantly carried them to an old Ufurer that would grafp at any thing, tel- ling him I only defired to Mort-gage them for fuch a time, requefting to lend me fifty pounds thereon. He looking upon them to be thrice the value of that fum, lent me freely the quantity o mony propounded, and in my fight took the Goods and laid them in a place next his Bed-chamber. The fame day I met with this friend, who de- manded of me whether I had done his bufineffe.'' No, not yet (faid I) it will be to morrow firft : However let us drink a glafs of wine, which he readily confented to. Having drank pretty fmartly, he could not contain himfelf (fo power- ful are the operations of Wine, as it frequently makes a man divulge that which carrieth in it in- evitable ruine) I fay he told me whofe Shop it was he robb'd, and at what time. I feem'd to take little notice then, though I intended to make good ufe of it. Parting with him, I went ftraightway to the perfon rob'd, and told him that accidentally I was inform 'd of his late loffe, and that my intent of coming was out of a principle of honefty, to aflift him in the recovery of what was ftollen from him. But before I acquainted him with any thing, I required of him a Bond of 10/. if I helpt him to his Goods; which he granted me. I advifed him to get the Lord Chief Juflices Warrant, which he 320 The EngliJIi Rogue \ Or, did, and taking fome friends with him, I dire6led them where they fhould go, and in what place they fhould find them. He would have had me gone with him, but that I excufed my felf, alledg- ing it would be inconvenient. Taking a Conftable with them, they went & found what they fought for according to my direftion, which they feiz'd, leaving the old man to condole his loffe, which had been no great matter, had not his life lain in his Purfe. Having thus carried on my mifchievous contri- vances with continued impunity; the next I fell on was a young Merchant, to whom I went genti- \y habited, with a foot-boy waiting at my heels. I lookt out feveral Commodities, and laid them a- fide, affuring him that I would e're long lay out a confiderable parcel of money with him. We dif- cours'd upon the price, and in the conclufion clofed. The next day I appointed the Goods to be fent home to my Houfe, and in the interim defired him to go along with me, and accept of what poor ac- commodation my habitation would afford him, under the pretence of being better acquainted, but my defign was to raife in him a good opinion of me, for I had one rocm (efpecially) very richly hung with coftly Furniture. My motion was enter- tained, and away we went, where I treated him nobly; the next day the Commodities were fent in with his Servant, who expe6led his money, but I pretended that my Cafhier was abroad, and fo de- fired him to call the next morning; he did, but then I was not to be fpoken with. Thus he did fo often till the young man was wear}^ At laft the Mafler himfelf came, who met me juft as I was go- ing out J who had not the patience to ask for his IVi/ty Extravagant. 321 money, but prefently railed mofl bitterly, calling me cheat, knave, 6rc. and that he would not put himfelf to the trouble of porting me up, but would have a Warrant for me inftantly. Being gone, I was as nimble as himfelf, having a couple of my Emiflaries ready for him againft his return. It was not long before he came ftrut- ting with a Conftable. Perceiving him coming, I fent my two friends out with their Warrant, and putting it into the Conftables hand, charged him in the Kings name to execute it upon fuch a one, meaning the Merchant ; who dared not deny it, but carried him before a Juftice, before whom my two Rogues fwore flat felony, and fo was commit- ted. Sending for friends, they advifed him to make an end thereof. Whereupon I was much folicited ; and upon confideration I confented to caufe my friends to forbear profecution. As yet I have not fully unbowell'd the huge bulk of my villany, that hath proved fo burden- fome to the world, and deflru6live to fo many Fa- milies ; wherefore give me leave a little farther to anatomize my own vicious nature, and I fhall fo lay open the Ulcers and Sores of my Impoftumed Machinations, apparent to the fight of every one, that the moft Ofpray and Owl-eyed fpeftator fhall confeffe there never was a more neceffary and commodious difcovery revealed. Brother, faid I, for fo I muft call you now, your flagitious deeds claiming that title, and muft be compell'd I fee to give you fuperiority, the upper- hand, for I am confident the line of other mens inventions never founded the Sea of a more deep and dreadful mifchief. When I confider how Y 322 The Englijli Rogue ; Or, powerful and imperious vice is of late grown ; and what horrid fafts are committed every where by- licentious and wicked men that fwarm in all places : I admire that the Fabrick of the Earth is not con- tinually palfyed by Earth-quakes, fmce there is a Creator above that overfees fuch aftions. That the Earth her felf (though an indulgent Mother) doth not receive into her Womb her off-fpring, and therein for fhame hide them : that the air is not choaked with Froggs, and that black pitchy mifts do not perpetually mafque the face of Hea- ven, and leave the world in obfcurity ; and that the Sun doth not hide his face from feeing fuch enormous crimes, blacker than is the EcHpfe of his countenance : and laftly, that the Sea is not turned to blood to put us in mind of the cruel and remorfeleffe ufages of one another ; our kindneffe being commonly attended with dif- courtefies of a Vermilion hue. Thus Brother you fee I am fenfible of my mifcarriages, but want the power to regulate my life, I would have pro- ceeded, but that I found this difcourfe grated in his ears ; wherefore I defired him to profecute his ftory, which he did in this manner. Witiy Extravagant. 323 CHAP. XLVI. He difcovcrs the fiihtlety offome Citizens he had to do withal by Broking for t/iem, relating his own craft and cunning, and what the confeqnent zvas, . t/ic ruine of young Gentlenun. Like an Hawk as I told you, I flew at all Game, not confining my felf to any one thing parti- cularly: where I could abufe the Law, I did; and if I had an opportunity to Trepan, I feldome fail- ed, &c. Some part of my time I fpent in the en- quiry of what young Heirs were arrived, into whofe fociety I was fure by one means or other to infinuate my felf Thefe Country Wood-cocks I knew how to catch with a City Spring ; whom I very well undet-ftood, had rather be out of the world than out of the fafhion, who would be brave for the prefent time, though their Gallantry cofl them all their future Fortunes. I commonly laid my plot thus : Sir, you undervalue your felf by the meannefs of your Habit, it being fo unfuit- able to your quality : if you want money, you can- not want credit, having a fair promifing eftate in reverfion ; if you are willing, I will find you out a believing Mercer. Returning me many thanks, it may behe would be in fuch hafi: as to fend me pre- fently. He could not be fo eager to have his gaudy defires fatisfied, as I forward to accomplifh them. 324 The Englijh Rogue : Or, I knew where to go readily to one, with whom I went fnips ; in fo faying, I would not have any think I throw dirt upon that noble profeffion. If I difcover the fraud of any particular perfon, as long as I name him not, I do him no wrong ; but if I deteft by what deceitful and fmifter means he worketh upon the infirmity of the youth of a green-witted Gallant, it may ferve for an tife of inJlru6lion. In the moft famous Univerfities there are fome Dunces refident, that by difgracing themfelves, difgrace alfo their fellow Students. In the mofl virtuous Courts there will be fome Parafites. So in the moft goodly and glorious City under Heavens Canopy, there are fome Afps lurking, that fling the reputation of their Brethren by their poyfonous and corrupt dealings. There are knaves in all Trades but Book-felling. But to my purpofe : ayoung Gentleman coming out oi Norfolk to fee the City, and finding fo many (beneath him in eftate) gallant it fo much above him, he grew very melancholy : hapning to be in his company, and indifferently well acquainted with him, I askt him thecaufe of his fadnefs ? af- ter I had preft him very much, he ingenioufly con- feft the true original of his penfivenefs. Pifh, faid I, is that all ? let me alone to efife6l what you de- fire; neither fhall you wait longer than the mor- row. Leaving my Gentleman, away I went to a perfon fit for my purpofe, and gave him an account of my bufinefs : glad he was, thankt me for my pains, promifing me a reward, and would needs have me to a Tavern to confult this affair. Having concluded every thing, I repaired the next day to my Gentleman, who over-joyed to fee me was Witty Extravagant. 325 impatient to know whether his wiflies were con- fummated. Come along with me, faid I, and we will try what we can do. I have bin very impor- tunate with the Mercer, but as yet I cannot mol- lifie him ; it may be your prefence may do much. Finding him in the fhop, I called him afide, and told him this was the Gentleman. My young Gentleman, that would be a Gallant prefently, fell aboard him, and (with much fervencie and proteftations) he woo'd the Mercer to credit him for 30 /. worth of Commodities. I call'd him a- fide, faying. What will 30 /. worth do .-' take up 100 /. worth ; and what you ufe not, I'll difpofe by fale, to furnifh your Pockets with money. He thankt me kindly for my advice, and returned to the Mercer, who askt him. If he fhould credit him with fo much, what fecurity would he pro- pound } This ftruck my young Gentleman as mute as a Cods-head. The Mercer perceiving he had nothing to fay, plaid the Rope-maker, being extreme backward to truft him : Bonds he refu- fed, Judgements h^ would not hear of, Statutes he fcorned : for, faid he. Gentlemen of late have found out fo many tricks to cozen their Credi- tors, (I by the fame means having had feveral CoUops cut from the body of my eftate) that I will not credit any more : whereas he fpake this only to grinde the blunt appetite of my Commo- dity-taker into di /harper edge, and make him more greedy of his own ruine ; imitating in this a cun- ning and deceitful, though petulant and wanton Curtezan, who is nice when a fick-brain'd young Gallant importunes her to admit of his amorous kindnefs, only to make him more fierce upon his 326 TJie EngliJJi Ropie : Or, own confufion : holding him off like a Fencer, a month or two, that he may come up the more roundly to her purpofe. But to the matter. My Gentleman being as it were denied, I feconded him thus : Sir, you know not what you do in re- fufmg to credit this Gentleman ; he is his fathers heir, a man of a vafl eftate, and very aged : This his fon is about a very great Match, a rich heirefs ; and though he hath not money for the prefent, yet let him have an hundred pounds worth of Commodities, you need not doubt your payment ; and it will do him at this prefent a thoufand pounds worth of good. The Md^cer began to hearken to this, and protefted to my Green-gooje that he would be glad to do any a pleafure, fo as not to injure himfelf ; that if he could but poffefs him with a belief that he fhould have his money in fix months, he would freely let him have 100/. worth of what he pleafed. The yong Gen- tleman protefted it, and I warranted it ; and the Mercer (though feemingly loth) condefcended, upon this Provifo ftill, that he fhould procure fome man elfe to be bound with him, as good as himlelf : for, faid he, we are all mortal, and not having a leafe of our lives, we may die before to-morrow ; where then is my lOO I ? Signior Unthrift is once more put to his noji-plus ; but at length he fell to intreat me to do it, who would not by any means ; and fo we parted. He would not let me reft for two or three days together ; fo that at laft, provided he would give me 10/. I a- greed ; and fo we went again to the Mercer, and entring into Bonds, we had the Commodities. Ha- ving made my yong Gentleman an abfolute Gal- Witty Extravagant. 327 lant, I went to fell what was left, of which I made 40 /. but I made my Gallant to be contented with 30. alledging, that when goods came once to be fold, they will not yeild the moiety of what they coft, though new : and out of that 30/. I had my 10 /. for furetyfhip. Thus I perfwaded him to be very well fatisfied. He revels about, whilfl I was contriving to leave him as bare of means as brains. Now doth my Mercer dream of nothing but his pay-day, which he hoped would be bro- ken. The time being expired, and my young No- vice not minding it, the Mercer invited him to a dinner in Fijh-ftreet. Dinner being almoft ended, for a third courfe came up a couple of Sergeants ftewed with Mace, who arrefted him at the fuit of the founder of the feaft. Not procuring Bail, he was carried to the Counter, where he lay fome time. His friends hearing of it, endeavour'd to get him out, by fuing out an Audita querela. My Mercer hearing of that, advifed with me what was beft to be done. Agree, faid I, with fome Of- ficer in the Exchequer, and turn the debt over to the King, pretending you owe him fo much money : for the Chancery will not or cannot al- .low any thing in fuch a cafe againfl his Majefty. He fo doing, did his bufmefs for the prefent. Thus have I read, when Jews have bought a red- hair'd boy, at firft they cloath him in filks, ra- vifhing him with all the delights that can be thought on, never have Mufick from his ears, or Banquets from his tafte ; and thus ufe him, till they fee he is plump, fat, & fit for their purpofe : but when the poor boy leaft thinks of his immi- nent ruine, he is taken by a brace of flaves, and 328 The Englijh Rogue. Or, tyed up by the heels, fo beaten by degrees to death with Cudgels, purging the rankeft poyfon out of his mouth, and making Mumy of his flefli. I fhall leave it to the Reader to make application. In fhort, I perfwaded the Mercer to take a Bond of 500/. of his prifoner, to be paid after his fa- thers deceafe. This Widgeon being in the nets, fealed to any thing for his liberty. He was not the firft fo ferved, by thoufands : and that is the reafon there are fo many Crefted Citizens : for Gentlemen being begger'd by their Extortion, they have no other means then to fall in with their wives, purchajing from them a fupply. This is it that makes the road every where fo full of High-way-men, who will borrow of men when they have little minde to lend, but not without giving them Bonds. This makes Tyburn the Me- tropolitan, and other petty Gallowfes, have fo many hangers on ; and this is the caufe fo many fuch Citizens fons are plagued after their fathers deaths, as their fathers when living have plagued others. Thefe are the Boars that plow up whole acres, nay fields of Gentlemens lands with their fnouts : thefe are the Swine that eat up whole Orchards ; and thefe are they, whofe fiery con- fciences drink up whole Fifhponds at a draught ; and laftly, they are the Hurricanes that root up the trees of whole Woods together. From fuch libera nos D online. To conclude, take this as an infallible Maxima, that the worft of Creditors are either very rich, or very poor men. The rich man can ftay for his money, and fo will have all or none ; the poor will have no pity, nor indeed can he, fince the debt may be all he is worth. Witty Extravagant. 329 CHAP. XLVII. HoTV he injinuated himfelf into the acquaintance of all he thought he could prey upon, and what tricks he ufed to build his inter ejl upon their mine. HOvv can that Tyrant flourifh in his Common- wealth, when the foundation of his Reign was builton the Sepulchre of the right and lawful Heir he murther'd ? And how can that man profper, whofe rife he rear'd from other mens mines ? Such was I, who having oftentimes been gulled by Knaves, turned Knave my felf, and did as greedily hunt after fuch I could make a prey of, (to repair the damages I had fuftain'd by others) as the devil doth after Ufurers fouls, being on their death-beds, refolving to live like a Bandite on the fpoil. Like an old Souldier having been beaten to the world, (or indeed more properly, beaten by the world) I began to fummon up all my fenfes and my idle brains to a flri6l account, how to get that up again, my riot and folly had fpent ; and thinking I had no way to recover my felf, but by what ruined me, I did caft about me, and fifhed after this manner. I prepared my lines, provided baits, and made ready my hooks, which had fuch conftant and firm barbs, that after I had flruck a Gudgeon in the gills, I was fure to hold him, though I fuffer'd him to play a little in the ftream. The Flouds I daily frequented, were either the Temple, Ordinaries, Play-houfes, Cock-pits, Brothels, or Taverns, leav- ing no place unfearch'd, wherein there might be any thing worthy a Bait. If fuch I found, like a ftiadow I was never from his heels, but followed 330 The EngliJJi Rogue: Or, him clofe, efpecially if he was a young Country- Gentleman, whom his father had fent up to fee fafliions in the Citie : and rather then he fliould go out as raw as he came in, I failed not to feafon him in one of the Cities Powdering-Tubs. Firft, I made it my bufmefs to know what his father allowed him ; then would I ftudy his natural dif- pofition and inclination, and accordingly fute my felf to him, fo that by my behaviour towards him, he ihould look upon me to be his Mafcidine Sweet-heart, his bofom-friend, and that like Hip- pocrates twins we muft needs live and die together. Having accordingly by much fweat and induftry adapted and fitted him to my humour and pur- pofe, and wrought him to fuch a foft and waxen temperature, that I could make what impreffion I pleafed on him, I brought him acquainted with fome of my accomplices, who all vail'd bonnet to him, invited him from Tavern to Tavern, not let- ting him expend a peny ; or if he wanted money, I would fupply him with four or five pound. This Innocent (not having yet fcented the Citie-air) all this while thinks himfelf in Elyjiiim, fancying he enjoys more delights then the Turks Para- dife affords; and withal imagineth himfelf not a little graced, to be entertained among fuch feeming Gallants. For my Rogues (give me the liberty to call them fo) lookt on it as the greatefl piece ofpolicie to wear goodcloaths, though their pockets were worfe furnifhed then a Chandlers box, that feldom hath any greater money in it, then Two-pence, Three-pence, Groats, ^c. Sometimes my Cully did meet with fome that knew me, who would advife him to have a care of me, and not to keep me company, for I was a dangerous perfon, Witty Extravagmtt. 331 and in the end would be his ruine. Whereas it was but to Httle purpofe : for when youth is in its full vigour, and height of defire, neither wholefome counfel, nor lamentable examples, will give them warning of their future deflruftion. Still I con- tinued my feeming refpecls and kindneffes to him, which I onely intended as XhePrcelitdiujn or Pro- logue to that Play which was to come after: formy Country d7irvX^-^;w// being honeyed with thefe fvveet delights, thought that whateverhecould return, was notable to give ananfwerable fatisfa6lion. Watch- ing a fitopportunity, (when hewaswellwarm'd with Wine) then would I perfwadehim, (which was no difficult matter) to be bound with me for fo much, &c. which I promifed I would repay at the day, without putting him to any inconvenience : but he knew not, that what I borrowed for an hour, I borrowed for an age. When I could fqueeze no more juyceout of him, then I left him to the mercy of his Creditors, to be dealt withal as the Popinjay in the Fable, who being fummoned to appear with the reft of the winged Tribe, before their King the Eagle, borrowed of all the finer fort of birds feathers to adorn him, and make him appear fplendid before his Soveraign, After he was dif- mifs'd, he proudly flutter'd up and down the woods with his borrow'd gallantry ; which made the little Titmoufe, Wren and Hedge-fparrow adore him. They to whom he was obliged for his gallantry, hearing thereof, demanded again their own, and fo deplum'd him, whereby he feem'd ten times worfe then thofe fmall birds that lately did admire him. Such Popinjays are they, who borrow of every Citizen, to make themfelves fhew glorious in the worlds eye ; but when the Creditors fliall 332 The EngliJIi Rogue: Or, come and claim their own, and get it, they will feem more foul, then lately they did fair. So various and villanous were the pranks I committed every day, that I was forced now, like an Owl, to appear onely by night in the Citie. If I did at any time tranfgrefs that cuftom, I did then like the dogs oi Egypt, which when they come to drink of the river Nilus, lap here and there, not daring to ftay long in one place, for fear the Crocodiles that lie lurking within the banks, fhould pull them into the Current : fo did I, skulking here and there, firfl to one Tavern, and then, not daring to ftay longer there, fhifting to another. But to proceed. CHAP. XLVIII. How he could make Ink that would difappear from the Paper, accordingly as he pleafed,bythejirength or weakncfs of the compofition. His imitating exa6lly both Hand and Seal A remarkable Story thereupon. R Fading one time a book that an Italian writ, I found therein a defcription of feveral forts of Ink, and how to make them ; but more efpe- cially, an Ink that fhould laft a week, a month, or two, according to the compofition. I made an experiment, and found it hit indifferently well : perceiving how beneficial this would be to me, I WiUjy Extravagant. 333 refolved not to reft till I had found out the true Receipt ; which I did at laft, by much ftudy and induftry. Having obtain'd it, I fo highly valued it, that methought I would not have parted with it for the Philofoplurs Stone. Not to be tedious, I did abufe therewith many perfons with Bonds, Leafes, Deeds, Acquittances, drc. there appearing in fuch a time nothingbut the bare Seal, the paper remaining as white as if never writ on. By the help of Graving, I could counterfeit Seals exactly, infomuch that I have often cheated the Grand CJieater, Oliver, the late hypocritical and bloudy Tyrant ; and by an exa6l imitation of an hand- writing his Council wastoo fenfible of what Cheats I put upon them. That I was no bungler at it, I fhall give you this inftance. Accidentally coming acquainted with a Gentlewoman, very beautiful and well featur'd, her fparkling eyes fet me all in a flame, fo that I refolved to attempt the enjoy- ment of her. Oftentimes I vifited her, and by the modefty of my carriage towards her, fhe per- ceived not my burning luft. One time having a fit opportunity, flie being alone, I communicated my thoughts to her: waving what amorous dif- courfepaft on my fide, I would have fallen roundly to the matter; but fhe underftanding my intent, cry'd out; whereupon I defifted, feeing it was to little purpofe if I proceeded. Sitting down by her, fhe expreft an abfolute hatred to me for my incivi- lity, and vow'd fhe would neither fee nor endure me more. The vehemence of her utterance and countenance fully declared fhe was in earneft ; fo that I faw 'twas time to be gone. Looking about (unperceived by her) I took up half a fheet of paper of her writing, and clapt it into my pocket ; 334 The EngliJIi Rogiie: Or, and fo took my leave. Coming home, I found my love converted into hatred, and therefore vowed my revenge : and thus it was. I under- ftood from her whereabout, her husband Hv'd, and what his Chriftian name was, with fomething of her concerns ; that her husbands mother could not endure her, (becaufe her fon married her with- out a portion, though a wife, difcreet, vertuous, and handfome woman) and whereabout he liv'd, with name, &c. I counterfeited a Letter, as from this vertuous Gentlewoman, to a Gallant of hers, taxing him with want of love, and that if he proved not more cohftant, fhe had no more to fay to him, &c. The contents you fliall have in the Letter it felf, as followeth. Moft beloved by me of men! I cannot blame you fo much as my felf ; it is ctiflo- 7nary forman to proffer, but then itfliould be a zuo- mans duty to refufe : but alas I how could I witJi- fiand the powerfid perfwafions of your eloquent tongue, efpecially when they carried with them fo muchfeeming reality of affection and conflancy ? I finde you now like other vozv-breaking mefi, zvho having obtained the fruition of their dejires, their appetite naufeates that which before it fo eagerly crav'd. Call to minde thofe many endeared and melting expreffioJis you did voluntarily utter, when I was encircled in thine arms ; and if that will not reduce you to your former fiation, and good efiecm of me, now fo much flighted by you, conjidcr that I have preferred you in love before my Husband, not caring hozv 7nuch I wronged him to pleafitre you. If nothing zvill prevail, know then, this fJiall be my refolution, that fijice you have alienated my affection Wifi}' Extravagant. 335 from my Husband, and you thus unworthily dcfcrt mc, I ivill procure a SubJcSl elfrivhere JJtall out-do you in n^ery thing, as much or more as you have out-done my Husband, I am young, plump, hand- fome, and buckfome ; what then Jliould hinder me from enjoying fjich aperfon, my heart xvill not refl fatisfied till I have found f ivhich having done, he fhall lead me in thy viciv, and then it is probable you will dejire, but never fliall re-affume your place again within my breajl. Farewel. This Letter was fent to her Mother-in-law in the Countr)--, who was glad flie had matter to im- peach her daughter to her fon. Aflbon as he faw the Letter, he verywellknewthehand,he thought, and would have fworn it to be his wifes : but reading the contents, the poor man was ready to fmk down for grief. Perturbation of minde would not let him reft in his Country-dwelling, but rid up Port to London, where he foon found out his wife. The unexpe<5led fight of him at firft fur- prifed her, not hearing of his coming, and know- ing that his occafions were very urgent in the country : however, like a truly-loving wife, fhe was over-joy'd to fee him, and would have kifs'd him, but that he rudely thruft her off; which a6lion ftruck her to the heart, and overwhelmed her in amazement. Prethee, Sweetheart (faid fhe) what is the matter.? There, read it, faid he, throwing her the Letter. She read it, and fwounded. He let her He, not caring whether flie liv'd or dy'd ; and had dy'd indeed, had not her Maid come up accidentally. Being recover'd, he ask't her whether it was her 336 Tlie Englijlt Rogue: Or, hand. She could not deny it : which made the man rage, ready to run out of his wits, whilft fhe was filent with aftonifhment, taking fuch inward grief, that fhe betook her felf to her bed. No- thing could comfort her, neither would fhe take any thing to fuftain life. Hearing how powerfully my forgeries had wrought, to the hazard of fomes lives ; in the fame hand I fent him a Letter, wherein I gave him an account of the defigne, proclaiming to the world this Gentlewomans honefty, unfpotted and unftain'd. The Gentle- woman recover'd in a little time after ; but this trick had too much feiz'd upon my Gentleman ; for like a fool he fell diftra6led in a fneering pof- ture, as pleas'd to think his wife was honeft not- withjlanding. I have been fomewhat long in this relation, becaufe it was a paffage very remark- able. Now I fhall tell you how I cheated a young Citizen and an Upholfter. CHAP. XL IX. How he cJieatcd a young Citizen newly fet up, and an Upholjler. A Young Citizen about to fet up, and wanting fome money, was dire6led to me, to procure fo much as his prefent occafion required. I treated him very civilly, promifmg him very fairly ; and in order thereunto, appointed him a day ; which being come, contrary to my expeftation or defire, he brought a crew with him, to fee the receipt of Wit^ Extravagant 337 the money. Judging this time inconvenient for my defignes, I told him I expefled the money this very day ; but if he pleafed to feal the Bond, and have it witneffed, he might keep it himfelf ; and bringing the Bond with him the next day, he fliould not fail to have his money. The next day he came to the place appointed, where I was ready to wait him. As good fortune would have it, he came alone. I difcours'd with him a while : at laft I defired him to let me fee the Bond ; which he delivered into my hand, being fign'd and feal'd before. I took this as a good and lawful livery, and put it up into my pocket. He asked me what I meant. I told him he fhould know when the Bond became due. Why Sir, faid he, you will not ferve me fo .-' Doft thou think I am fuch a fool, faid I, to lend thee fo much money upon a piece of paper, which next Showre of rain will wafh away with thy felf into the common Shore } Shall I truft thee, when thou canft not truft thy felf? At this the young man began to be clamorous ; but one of my accomplices foon ftill'd the Clapper of his mouth, by a found knock on the pate, which laid him afleep : and in the mean time we marcht off. Juft as the money came due upon the Bond, my flock-pated Cit was gone to tell his friends in the Country the danger of Counters and Prifons in the Citie. At another time I wanted money to fupply my prefent occafions, but could not in- ftantly think of any other means of afliftance in this neceflity, but to fell my Featherbed, together with its appurtenances. Whereupon I packt them up, and defired a friend to go with the Porter, Z 338 The Englijh Rogue-. Or, and fell them to an Upholfter. My friend did fo, and brought me half their worth ; but withal, that which was more then their worth, the mans name. A week after, I wanted my bed, and re- folved to have it again. To that end, I went to him that bought it, and asked him before a couple that I took with me, whether at fuch a time he had not fuch commodities fold him. He ac- knowledged that he had. I defired to fee them : and he as readily granted it. Sir, faid I, thefe are my Goods : I was lately robb'd, and now I know you are the Receiver : I mufl have you before a Juftice, to know how you came by them. The namingof a Juftice fo terrified this filly fellow, that he bid me take them if I would fwear they were mine, and put him to no further trouble. I fwore they were mine, (and therein I was not perjur'd) but told him I could not receive ftoUen Goods fafely, though they were mine own. In fhort, I recovered my Bed and furniture, with money to boot. CHAP. L. He is at laji met witJtal, and laid up in Prifon by one of his Creditors. The abufes and tricks Sergeants ufe to arreji men. Lajily, he efcaped, by putting a trick upon his Keeper. HAving gone thus far without any remark- able check or controul, at leafl: any fuch as might bear a proportion with the villanies and Witty Extravagant. 339 injuries I had done, I abfolutely thought that nothing was difhoneft or difficult that had in it either pleafure or profit. Meeting with no mo- leftation or hinderance, I took my freedom to do even what I lifted. One time thinking my feJf moft fecure, I then found my felf in the greateft danger, being arrefted in an A6lion of 5000 1. Several times there were attempts made to take me, but I was ftill too cunning for them : yet at laft they over-reacht me; it will not be amifs to relate in what manner. They had information, that every week I had Letters come to me out of EJfeXy and that the Porter which brought them had ftill free admittance to me : wherefore the Serjeant provided himfelf a Frock, and a Rope about his middle, which would better have become his neck, and with Letters in his hand dire6led to me, trudged to my lodging. Knocking at my door, and being demanded his bufmefs, he told them he had Letters for the mafter of the houfe, nominating me. Looking out, and feeing no one but a feeming Porter, I order' d that he fhould be let in. Affoon as he was enter'd, he bid my Wor fhip good morrow, and in ftead of delivering me his Letters, fhewed me his Mace ; which I wiftit might be the onely fpice and meat too he fhould eat for a twelvemonth. Seeing how I was be- traid, I went quickly along with him to the Compter ; and afterwards, finding I could make no compofition with my Creditors, turned my felf over to the Kings-Bench. Various are their tricks and inventions to enfnare whom they in- tend to arreft. Sometimes I have known a Credi- tor feem to comply with his Debtor, telling him Z3 340 TJie Etiglifh Rogue: Or, that paying fome inconfiderable matter, his Bonds fhould be renewed with longer time : then ap- point him a place of meeting, where he faith he will bring a Counfellor and Scrivener ; a Coun- fellor to advife them in management of their bufmefs, and a Scrivener to write what they de- termined. He acquainted a Serjeant and a Yeo- man with his Plot, who were as hot upon it, as an Italian on a Wench of Fifteen. The Serjeant going with a Barrefters Gown on his back, and the Yeoman with his beard cut as clofe as a Stubble-Field, with a Pen in his ear, and fome Parchment in his hand, effe6led their defigne without fufpition. A Merchant I knew, that in- tended to break and go beyond Sea, was betraid by his fervant, who informed his Creditors that juft at fuch a time his Mafter would be gone ; that on the morrow he would fend for Coopers to hoop fome Dry-fats to pack his goods; and that if ever they hoped to have their money, they muft make that their time. Some Sergeants were prefently acquainted herewith, who attired like Coopers in red caps, canvafe breeches, with Ads in their hands, and hoops about their fhoul- ders, went to the Merchant, and were entertained whilft he was giving them dire6lion ; but in ftead of hooping the Dry-fats, they hoopt him in their arms, and arrefted him. Before they parted with him, they made him part with fo much money as would fatisfie his Creditors and them ; and made him fee them befides, not to enter any more A6lions againft him. They will change themfelves into as many fhapes as Proteus^ to bring about their defignes : fometimes like a grand wealthy IVitiy Extravagant. 341 Citizen, othertimes like a Country fellow newly come to town, with boots and fpurs all dirty. Now as I have related their manner of arrefting, fo let me in fhort inform you of their ufmg (or rather abufmg) prifoners. Firft they enquire of the perfon whether it be the firfl time he was arrefled : if fo, then they know the better how to deal with him : perhaps they will carry him to the Tavern, pretending to do him kindnefs, where they will advife him to fend for fome friend ; and one of them will be the Porter himfelf ; but in ftead of fetching the friend, he only enquires out his Creditors, and perfwades them to ufe this opportunity to recover their debt : mean while, the other that is left behinde doth milk him. The meffenger returning, forrowfully tells him his friend is not at home. Getting as much as they can by fpunging, and fucking the very heart-bloud of his pocket, the Compter muft be his refuge at laft. Sometimes, when they fee a man in fear of Arrefting, they will without warrant of the Credi- tor give him a caft of his Office, which they often do before they enter their A6tion ; and have ways to prevent any mifchief that can come byfearch of the Offices. Other times, for a fee, they will fend to the party to keep out of the way, as was con- cluded beforehand. Oftentimes, upon an Arreft, if the Creditor (land not by, they will let the partie efcape for a Brace of Angelsy or fo ; and tell his adverfary that he cannot fet eye on him. And whereas their Fee for an Arreft is to be but I s. yet will they hardly be perfwaded to do their Office under a Crown : and albeit the Statute fay that the partie arrefted fliall pay but one Groat, 342 The Englijh Rogue \ Or, I will not excufe him for an Angel. If a man oppofe them, or endeavour an efcape, they will both gripe and pinch him, and afterwards clap an A6lion of Affault and Battery on him at their own Suit. I could fay more of them, but that for fear, I muft be favourable, who am now, as I tell you, a prifoner in the Kings Bench, which may be called The Bajikrupts Bajiquetting-hmife, where he feafts himfelf on difhes borrowed from other mens tables ; or, The Prodigals Purgatory, and A Pejlhoufe for decaying Citizens. Weary of this place, wherein are as many maladies and mifchiefs as flew out o{ Pandora's box opened by Epimetheus ; I invented this ftratagem : One day I pretended much bufmefs abroad, and fo got leave to go out with my Keeper, refolving not to return with him. Having been from Tavern to Alehoufe, and fo to Tavern again, pretending the difpatch of much bufmefs, I at length told my Keeper, that I would vifit a very dear friend of mine, but that I thought it requifite to be trim'd firft. He confenting, we went to a Barbers. I fat down in the Chair firft ; and being difpatcht, I defired the Keeper to fit down too, and I would pay iox fprucifying his PhiOiomy. Whilft he was trimming, I talkt of one thing or other, to hold him in difcourfe. At laft faid the Barber, Shut your eyes, or elfe my ball will offend them. Shutting his eyes, I took an occafion to flip out, planting my felf in an houfe hard by ; the Barber not imagining I was a prifoner. The Keeper not hearing me talk, valued not the fmart.but opened his eyes ; and feeing me not in the fhop, rofe up, and that fo haftily, that he overthrew Cutbeard, W7//y Extravagant. 343 and the bafon on him, running out into the ftreet with the Barbers cloth about him, and Don Bar- berofds Turbant on his head. The people feeing him thus with the froth about his face, concluded him mad, and as he ran gave him the way. The Barber with his Razor ran after the Keeper, cry- ing, Stop /unt,Jiop him, tJiat I may be revenged on the Rogtie. The other nere minding the Outcry, ran flaring up and down as if his wits had lately ftole away from him, and he in purfuit of them. Some durfl not flop him, others would not, think- ing the Barber by his pofture intended to have his Tefticles for abufmg his wife. To conclude, the Barber at laft feis'd him, and having recovered his cloaths, and made him pay 6 d. for (having, the Keeper was difmift with a kick or two in the arfe ; the Barber not fuffering him to fpeak a word in his own defence. Thus freeing my felf, I refolv'd to take the Country-air, where I hap- pily met with you. Many other things worthy remembrance did he relate, which now I have forgot. Some while we ftaid together ; but at laft his bufmefs call'd him one way, and my Pad- ding Trade invited me another. 344 l^he EtigliJIi Rogue : Or, CHAP. LI. Ife is laid up in Oxford- Goal hy his Hojl, he is cheated at Chejier ; and after fome time is ran- fomed thence by fome of his Comrades, Knights of the Road, tliey paying his Debts. OUr Crew having been abroad, we had got a valuable Purchafe ; which after we had di- vided, I told them, that I would but vifit a friend at Oxford, and repair to them again within two or three days. My old Acquaintance being over- joy'd to fee me, after fo long abfence, treated me very gallantly, introducing me into the fociety of the Wits ; who would frequently drink too, till they had loft them. The Company pleafed me fo well, that I thought it a folecifm in civility to be fober, when they made any apj>ointment for mirth ; and they being true Bacchanalians, in the uppermoft Claffes of Arifiippuss School, fcorn'd to be outvy'd by a junior Sophifter; and therefore, do what I could, they would be drunk before me : they never contended about any argument that tended to ebriety, but fwal- lowed them all. I thought they would never have done fpeaking of Sack ; every one endeavouring who fhould exprefs moft in its praife. One faid. That Diogenes was but a dry fellow ; and the only reafon he could give for it, was. That it isfhrewdly Jufpe6led by the Commentators on his Tub, that tliat wooden-houfeof his was given him by a Beer-brewer^ who being a enemy to all good wits and learning. Witty Extravagant. 345 gave him this Cask, which formerly had contained that pernicious liqnor, Beer, that by the meerfcent he might dejiroy his underjlanding. But Bacchus \s fo witty a Philofopher, that he never fails, night nor day, to pour forth his inftru6lions, till he hath filled his auditors out of meafure ; it is he that makes us fpeak fluently, and utter our minds in abundance : for my part, I am commonly fo over- joyed in his company, that I have often feared I fhould never be my own man again. Said an- other. It is Sack was the Promethean fire, not Itoln from Jove's Kitchin, but his Wine-cellar, to increafe the native heat, without which we are but cold clay ; but that celeftial liquor applyed even to the dead, will caufe a revivification : this is it which gave Ganymede beauty, and Fcbe youth. Can you think, that ever Arijiotle would have been taken notice of, had he drank Ale or Beer ; or, that A/exander's conquefbs had been heard of, had he been fober .-' therefore to make his Captains famous to pofterity, he taught them how to mufter Quarts and Pottles, and by accuf- toming them to be dead-drunk, fhewed them the way to contemn death. All this is true (faid another, fo drunk, that what he fpake could hardly be underftood) but pray take my opinion with you too : do not all light things afcend ? what bet- ter way is there to underftand high matters, then a light head ? Copernicus by the lightnefs of his head, claimed aUiance with heaven, and by that firft found out the motion of the earth ; which he could never have done, had not Sack been his inftru6lor. Hence grew the Proverb, In vino Veritas, as if Sack were the only Butt truth flioots at, the piercing of which caufeth the other 34^ The Englijh Rogue'. Or, to be drawn out with it. For my part Gentlemen, faid I, my paffion was never more ftirred then the other day, comming by a red-lettice, unto which I have a natural antipathy : there did I hear a Tapfter aver, that Helicon was nothing more then an Hogs-head of March-beer, and that Pegafus was anciently a Dray-horfe ; and then fpeaking of French wine, in derifion, called him frisking Monjieur ; and the Spanijh, Don Rhodomontado ; fwearing that if ever he met with either, he would challenge all the Drawers in the Town to dafti him as he would. Then tumbling out two or three fmall-beer oaths, he wifht that he might never look through his red-lettice Percullice, if he did not verily believe he fhould fee Monjieur burn'd with a pox to him, and Spanijh Don mull'd to death with butter and eggs. // is a thing beyond my reafon, That we (Irong Ale for Sack Jhould quit, Since 'twould have blown us up by irea/on, Had not Ale bejlirr'd our wit : Then give us Ale, butbanijh Sack; That Spanifh Don mujl have the rack. I could do no lefs for his malepertnefs, but broach his Hogs-head, which to convince him of his error, ran Terfe Claret : I heard afterwards, this accident converted the Infidel. We fpun out various difcourfes of this nature, as long as we could fee, and then each man reel'd to his re- fpe6live lodging. The next morning, walking abroad to finde out fome of my laft nights affo- ciates, unfortunately my CheJler-\j&.nd\oxd. (who having fomebufmefs to do in Oxford, was newly Wtffy Extravagant. 347 come thither to difpatch it)efpy'd me, and without accofting me (like a fubtile Sophifter) watcht me whither I went : being houfed, he prefently fetcht two Officers, and coming out into the ftreet napt me. I fent to thofe friends that had been fo merry with me ever fmce my coming to that City ; but they underftanding the bufmefs, came not neer me ; one pretending indifpofition of body ; another, that he was not within ; a third, that he was about urgent occafions, which hav- ing finifht, he would wait upon me ; but in fine, none came to my relief, fhewing themfelves right pot-companions, whofe courtefies it may be, fhall extend to the payment of a Reckoning, when their friend wants it to difcharge it himfelf ; but difappear and vanifti, when their afllftance is implored to draw him out of Prifon. Seeing no remedy, I patiently fuffer'd my felf to be confined. My adverfary vifiting me, I treated with him about my releafment, oflTering him what I had, which was neer upon half; but his refolu- tion was to have all, or there I muft lie. Though I could not much condemn him, yet I could not but complain againft the inconftancy of Fortune ; and ruminating within my mind the miferies that attend all forts of prifons, I judged that of Debt to be the moft deplorable ; and though I wanted liberty, which commonly doth deprefs the mind, yet by the vertue of Canary (which I could not be without) my fancy fcomed to be fetter'd, but would in fpite of fate, ufe her freedom. 'Tis fome kind of pleafure and comfort, for a man fometimes in adverfity, to defcant on his own miferable condition ; which becaufe I found expe- rimentally true, I applied my felf to my ufual 348 The Englijh Rogue : Or, cuflom, the ufe of my pen, differencing thefe Metropolitan Prifons thus : To Bedlam men are fent bereft of wit ; When 'tis refiored, then they are freed from it : Confined to Newgate long, men can't complain, For once a month they're deer' d from it andpai^i ; In a fhort time ttieir Bolts wear off, ajtd then They may be fure 7ie're to come there agen ; D if charged thence their fettered fouls fhall be, Only an hour confiiid, and then fet free. Bridewell, 7to wifeman yet did e're difpraife thee, For thou dofi feed the poor, corre^ the lazy ; Tlie expiration of a little time. Forgives offenders, and forgets their Crime. Hereafter from the Prifon, Heavn defend 7ne ; Rather to Bedlam, Newgate, ^x\de.we\, fend me ; For titer e Wit, Work, or Law doth fet tnen free, I^othing but Money liere gets liberty. Having lain here above a week, I fent away a Letter to my Brethren, informing them of my misfortune, and acquainting them with the fum I was imprifoned for ; which was fent me by them, and brought by one of our trufty Knights : pay- ing my Debts and Fees, I returned again to them. Witty Extravagant. 349 CHAP. LII. He returns to his Brethren the Knights of the Road, ivhom he fiyids with two or three Gen- tlemen, Jlrangers ; he cheats one of them of a very fair and rich Watch. MY Companions took little notice of me at my return, which made me think there was fome defign in hand ; but according to tho^ir ufual courfe, fell to drink high : obferving two or three faces, I tipt a wink to one of my Brethren, being in another room ; I asked him, who they were ; he replied, Gentlemen that were travelling into the North ; to which he added, We have been pumping them (ever fmce we did thruft our felves into their company) to know what ftore of Cafh they had about them ; but we find little more then will defray their neceflary expences on the Road ; only, faid he, there is one of them hath a very rich Watch : 1 bid him return to his place, and I would warrant him to have it before he ftirred. I came in again to the company, not taking the leaft cognizance of any, but fhewed much refpe6l and civility to them all, as a ftran- ger ; I purpofely askt what it was a clock: one of the Gentlemen, and of my friends both, pulled forth their Watches, ftriving who fhould firft give me fatisfaflion to my queftion ; after this, they viewed interchangeably the workmanfhip of one & the other, both praifing the feeming goodnefs of each others Watch. At laft my friend makes a propofition ; Come, Sir, if you pleafe we will make an exchange upon fentence and repent- 3 so The Englijh Rogue : Or, ance. The ftranger defired to underftand his meaning : Why, Sir, faid he, we will commit them both into the hands of any one indifferent per- fon, and what difference he fhall judge there is between them, ihall be given in money by him whofe Watch is leaft worth. It was concluded upon; but they could not agree into whofe hands to put them. At laft it was mutually agreed upon between them, that I being a ftranger to them both, fhould be the decider: I feemingly refufed it, but they would not hear me alledge any argu- ments to the contrary ; whereupon I went out, and immediately caufmg my horfe to be brought forth, without the leaft delay I mounted, and away I rid. My Comrades knew where to meet me at the next ftage. The next morning they found me out, telling me how they all ftormed to be fo cheated, to avoid fufpition : and now did they all embrace me, promifmg to themfelves great hopes in me from this adventure. Witfjf Extravagaut. 551: CHAP. LIII. ^ He puts a notable Trick upon a Phyjician. NEar adjacent to our general randezvous, I was informed of the habitation of a weal- thy Phyfician, who had fhewed himfelf fortunately expert in divers Cures, where it feemed that humane art had not fufficient power to give a re- medy . The fame of his great skill, and of many admirable cures, which to the fhame of other Phy- ficians, he had performed, made him fo generally beloved and fought after, that in a fliort time he purchafed by his fanatory induftry, above 500 1. per annum, and feldom had lefs by him then a thoufand pound. Thus much I cafually under- ftood fron>one accidentally, fpeaking of this his rich Neighbour : but that which pleafed me moft was, that (as he faid) he feldom carried lefs then an 100 pieces of gold about him conftantly, pro- ceeding from a fancy derived from an extream love he bore that Metal. I could not fleep for con- triving a way how I might difembogue this Uri- ; rinal of what it contained : fometimes I way-laid him in his return ; but he was fo well efteemed of, that he feldom returned home without two or three Gentlemen to accompany him. At another time I thought to have pretended fome diflemper, and fo have applied my felf to him for Cure ; and imagining that he would privately difcourfe with me about my Malady, that then I would prefent a Piftol to his breaft, fwearing, that fhould be his immediate and unavoidable Executioner, if he did not without the leaft noife or refiftance, deli- ver fuch a quantity of Gold ; but this way I could not approve of, it being accompanied with fo 352 Tlie EngliJJi Rogue \ Or, much hazard. At laft I thought of this ftratagem, which fafely produced its effe6l : One day after dinner I rid to his houfe (feemingly) in extream hafte, which he might perceive not only by my own affrighted looks, but by my horfe, which was all of a foam. I askt his fervant, with much quicknefs, whether Mr. Do6lor was within ; yes, Sir, (faid he) if you pleafe to walk in, I fhall call him to you. I waited fome time (for moft of that profeflion muft take fome ftate upon them) and then Mr. Do6lor came. Sir, (faid I) the report of your great experience in your happy Praflice hath brought me hither, humbly imploring your afliftance, and that inftantly, if you have any re- fpe6l to the prefervation of life : the trouble I Ihall put you to, fhall be gratefully re<^mpenfed to the utmoft of my ability. The Do6lor inquired of me, whom it was, and what manner of diftem- per the perfon laboured under. I readily told him, it was my Wife, who for fome continuance of time, had been extreamly troubled with the flux of her Belly ; the more that is applied to it by us, the more it increafeth ; wherefore, our help failing, I befeech you lend us yours, and favour me fo far as to ride with me to her. The feeming fmce- rity of my words prevailed upon him, as they would have done upon the moft diftruftful. This Do6lor (who as I was informed, was accuftomed to be induced more by gain, then fair words) gave me this defirable anfwer : Sir, far be it from me that I fhould refufe to do my endeavour to any perfon whatever, much lefs to a Gentleman of your rank and quality, in that little skill which I have in the knowledge and pra6lice of Phyfick : if I can effeft any thing for the good of the good Wtiiy Extravagant. 3J3 Gentlewoman your Wife, I will attend you thi- ther with a very good will, which at any time my charge requireth. Without attending any fur- ther difcourfe, his horfe was made ready, and fo we rid away together. As we rid through a fmall Wood, leading him the way, I turned my horfe about, and clapt a Piftol to his breaft, fhewing him withal an empty bag : See here, Sir, (faid I) my Wife, which hath a long time been troubled with a flux or vomiting, which you pleafe, the laft I think more proper ; for fhe no fooner receives anything for her (and my) fuftenance, but fhe immediately brings it up again at her mouth. Now Sir, if you do not find out fome means to mitigate this diftemper (the cure T fhall never ex- pe(5l,as knowing it impoffible) this Piftol fliall fend ^you to jEjcnlapius, to confult with him what is moft fit to be adminiftred : come. Sir, let me ad- vife you, and fave your felf the trouble of fo long a journey ; your gold (an hundred pieces as I am told) are the conftant attending Efquires of your body) I fay, that is the beft and only Recipe for a remedy. The Do6lor perceiving there was no help, in much amazement and fear delivered me what gold he had about him, which was neer upon the fum expreft : there was a rich Diamond- Ring on his finger, which I defired him likewife to give me, which fliould ferve for a perpetual me^ morandum of his kindnefs to me. I commanded him, as he tendred his life, to ride back again, without fo much as once looking behinde him ; and that if he offered to raife the Country, if I was fure to die that inftant, I would be the death of him firft. The Do6lor followed my diftations fo exa6lly, that I never heard more of him. A a 354 The Engli/Ii Rogue : Or, CHAP. LIV. He falls in love with a wealthy Widow, who is poetically inclined ; he courts her, and in a Jhort time enjoys her, and after that ingratefidly leaves her, carrying away what ready tnoney fJie had, HAving gained fo much money by my own induftry and fole procurement, I refolved neither to acquaint my Brethren therewith, nor affociate my felf any longer with them, being fo encouraged by this fuccefs, that I concluded I might atchieve gallant things by my felf : being belated one night, & fome miles from any town, I knockt at an houfe that flood in my road, ima- gining it at firft a pubhck houfe for entertain- ment ; one of the fervants coming to the door, I found it no fuch thing : fhe demanded my bufi- nefs : Prithee fweet heart (faid I) acquaint your Mafter, that there is a Gentleman requefts the civi- lity of a nights lodging: fhe goes in and informs her Miftrefs what I faid ; who came to me with much refpeft, telling me, She queftioned not but I was a Gentleman, and therefore fhould be wel- come to the mean accommodation fhe was capa- ble of fhewing. I rendred her many thanks, and fo alighted ; flri6l order was given to the Groom, that he very carefully lookt after my horfe : this being done, I was conduced into a very fair room ; there did I make my apology in the beft Rhetorick I had, for I perceived fhe was endued with ingenuity, by the quaintnefs of her expref- fions ; Expede Herculem : Many things I forged, as Wtffy Extravagant. 355 that the ways being dangerous, I was fearful to adventure any farther, having a great charge upon me. Such was her urbanity, that laying afide all niceties, fhe bore me company till it was time to go to bed, entertaining me all this while with what the houfe afforded, which was beyond my expe6lation. Every glafs of wine, or bit almoft, that I committed to my mouth, fhe ufhered thi- ther ^\^th fome Apothegm or other : the whole feries, indeed, of her difcourfe, was compofed of nothing but reafon or wit, which made me ad- mire her ; which fhe eafily underftood, I perceived by her fmiles, when fhe obferved me gaping, as it were, when fhe fpoke, as if I would have eaten up her Words. As her foul was beautiful, fpark- ling with celeftial ornaments, fowas the caskanet that contained it very fair, and enricht with Na- tures chiefeft gifts : She was very clear skin'd, well bodied ; a fharp piercing eye, a proportion- able face, an exceeding fmall and white hand ; and then fhe lifpt a little, which became her fo well, that methought it added a grace to the refl of her internal and external qualifications. Be- ing about ten o'clock, fhe advifed me to repofe my felf, fuppofmg I was weary. I condefcended, though with much regret to leave her fo foon ; but good manners would not permit me to do otherwife. She condu6ted me to my Chamber, where bidding me good night, fhe betook her felf to her own Chamber. That night I could hardly deep, not fo much for pure love, as the heat of luf\ ; next morning, very early, I heard her ftirring, which made me wonder ; but fhe told me after- wards, that fhe got up fo foon, fearing I fliould 256 The Englijh Rogue : Or, have gone away, and flie not take her leave of me. About eight in the morning, the Maid brought me up a Sack-poffet; and a Httle after, her Miftrefs came, courteoufly faluting me, and enquiring how I flept: I return'd an anfwer, in as handfom terms I could utter: her eyes plainly discovered to mine, that fhe had more then a common re- fpe6l for me. Having left me a while, I arofe, and made my felf ready for my journey: after feve- ral difcourfes which fhe had ingaged me in, pur- pofely to delay time, with much gratitude I took my leave, fhe attending me to the court : my horfe being brought out, halted down-right (fhe had caufed him to be prickt in the foot, to the intent I might ftay longer.) Not knowing what to fay or do. Well, Sir, faid fhe, fmce the unhappy accident hath fallen out fo unexpe6ledly, make ufe of my houfe, & what is in it, till your horfe be recover'd of his lamenefs. This was a proportion that my foul longed for ; wherefore I could not but fhew much fatisfa6lion in the acceptation of this prof- fer. We walkt in again, & profccuted for diverfion fake our former difcourfe, interlining it with fome love-touches at a diftance, which fhe would fre- quently defcant on pleafantly. We in this fhort time became intimately acquainted ; which need not be much wondred at, confidering the great- nefs of fympathy between us; fo that now the conqueft of her appeared not any ways difficult. Having talkt ourfelves weary. Come, faid fhe in a very familiar manner, I will fhew you the produ6l of fome idle hours ; and with that brought me feveral Epitaphs, Elegies, Anagrams, Anacrofticks, Epigrams, &c. of her own com- pofition, too many here to relate; but for their Wiffy Extravagant 357 wit, deferved to have each line chara6lerized in gold; fome I would here infert, were not the radiant luftre of her conceits fo great and glori- ous, that they would abfolutely extinguilh the dim-fightednefs of my fancy. Having viewed them, I could not but applaud them, as their due merit ; and I was glad I had this happy occafion to vent my own thoughts, which I ta- citly infmuated in thefe lines, refle6ling on her from what I had read. Sijlers thrice three Fve read of, and no more. Till your quick wit compleated /talf a Score: Since you are one, let me perfivade you then, Be kifid to me, for they are kind to men. Dearefl, be like them, t/tey are foft and h lit fie; Let wlw will love the nine, give me tfte tithe. Thefe lines fo powerfully wrought upon her, that fhe could not forbear to tell me, that fhe was much obliged to me for what I had writ. You can- not Madam, faid I, cancel your obligation, till you have made fome recompence : with that, faid fhe fmilingly, What will content you.-* The con- tinuance of your favour Madam, is the utmoft ambition of my defires. You have it Sir ; nei- ther can I deny any deferving man a thing fo in- confiderable. Byyour favour Madam, love I mean. I never was fo uncharitable, faid fhe, to be out of love with any. I was glad to hear her reply fo merrily: for a fort which fo capitulateth, is half furrendered. Since I had broke the ice, I was re- folved to profecute my defign ; wherefore in plain Englifh I told her, that I loved her from the firft interview, fo ardently, that my conftancy fhould 358 The EngliJJi Rogue: Or, prove the reality of my afife6lion: (he defired me to leave that to the teft of time; that fhould fhe believe me fuddenly before fhe had made tryal, fhe fhould not only loofe the good eftimation fhe had gained by the prudent and difcreet manage- ment of her affairs, every one accufmg her for too much credulity, but thereby it may be involve her felf in a Labyrinth of all manner of troubles. Try- al, faid I, you fhall have: and knowing the manner of courting a widow, a tryal I gave her, knowing that Parleys operate little on a widow, and there is nothing fooner gains a conqueft then a ftorra or a refolute affault. This a6lion made her fo firmly mine, that I durft not fpeak of leaving; which when I did at any time, her Soul was ready to leave its ancient habitation to attend on me. Some two months we fpent in all manner of felf- pleafmg delights, till at laft I begun to be tyred with her too frequent invitations; the more I en- deavoured to fatisfie her, the further I was from it. Not only by her, but by others, this experi- ment I found, that the oftner I treated them, the more eagerly and earneflly they defired it. Be- ing now incapacitated to hold out in this man- ner longer, I thought it high time to be gone, but not without fufficient recompence for my fervice. She daily follicited me to marry her, which I promifed her from time to time, waiting an op- portunity when I might become mafter of her treafure. One day in a froUick, and the more to encourage me to make a fpeedy confummation of our loves by marriage, fhe fhewed me all her wri- tings which concerned her eftate (by which I found her to be fo wealthy a fortune, that I. of- Witty Extravagant. 359 ten times curft my unhappy ftars, that they had thus debar'd me from the complement of fo great a bHfs.) After this, fhe fhews me a trunk where- in was contained her cafh : then taking me about the neck with fuch fervency of afifeclion, that I thought fhe would have ftrangled me, & with the repetition of kiffes, fhe fmiling, askt me, whether thefe things fatisfied me or not. I told her they did, but they were not to ftand in competition with her moft affe6led felf : with that fhe gave me the keys of that trunk wherein her money was. and in retaliation, I vowed to marry her in four days In the mean time I fludied how I might be gone, but could not contrive a way, fhe not in- during me to be out of her fight. In fine, I feign- ed fome indifpofition of body, and that I would ride two or three miles for the benefit of the frefh air, and return: with much willingnefs fhe confented. Jufl as I was about to take horfe (ha- ving furnifhed my felf with as much mony as I could well carry without difcovery) fhe wept bitterly (as having I think a prophetick Spirit.) I ask'd her the caufe of her difcontent : all ba- thed in tears, fhe anfwered me with a deep figh, I fhall never fee you more: Hard-hearted man: can you thus leave a woman that loves you thus dear- ly, nay, that dotes on you .' I made many pro- teflatiohs to the contrary; which were not be- lieved. Seeing that I could not prevail on her belief, I bad her farewell, fetting fpurs to my horfe, and was out of fight in an inflant. I could not but condemn my felf extreamly for this in- humane a6lion: but confidering that there is no flavery greater then that of the fmock, I foothed 360 The Englijh Rogue : Or, my felf up in mine own unworthinefs ; pafTmg by a little Ale-houfe, I called in, and over a pot of Ale I compofed thefe enfuing lines, which I fent to her by a meffenger I procured in the houfe, di- re6led thus: Deliver tliefe to the fair hands of Mrs. Pulcheria Tickleman, at her dwellijig-Jioufe, near Redding. The Contents were thefe, or to this purpofe. Madam, A Poetefs you are, and Prophet too. Thus to divine Fm gone from you Eternally. ^Tis true: D'ye think that I can eat, Though neWe fo choice, always one fort of meat? No faith; Fd rather wear a Porters frock. Then to be fhrowded in 07te womans fmock. You fay you are with child; Pifh, dorCt complain, ' Tis but the produ6l of your fruitful brain : Y'are only big with fancy, which may prove A witty Brat, like VdXXdiS, fpj^ng from Jove. A nd have you then conceivd? How can I chufe But write Encomiums on my fertile Mufef Mind not tite Fat/ter, nor his Brat, for it Will like t/ie Father live (no doubt) by wit: Let Pegafus be Godfather, the crew Of tJte nine Mufes, GoJJips; fo adieu. I defired no anfwer, therefore flayed not till the return of the meffenger, but rid that night to Maidenhead. Witfy Extravagant 361 CHAP. LV. He comes up to "London, fends to a particular friend whom lie could confide in, to come to him, and re- quefis him to compowid with his Creditors, which lie did in afhort time; and in a Ihort time after ^ he attempts the robbing of an hoitfe, but is taken and clapt up in Newgate; The miferies of an imprifoned efiate, with tlie manner of his efcape out of that Prifon. THe next day I rode towards London, and about twylight took up my quarters in the Suburbs the day following, I fent for a friend whom I could put confidence in, who came immediate- ly upon the reception of my Letter. I commu- nicated to him my intentions, who was very glad to hear of my refolution ; yet I would not ac- quaint him how ftrong I was, nor by what means procured : 'twas enough that I gave him commif- fion how far forth he fhould proceed, and no far- ther, which was half a Crown per pound. He went (after I had given him a lift of them all) to every one particularly, and treated with them fo cun- ningly, and they defpairing of ever recovering a farthing, condefcended to his propofals; where- upon he gets them all to fubfcribe, and then brings the Paper to me, which I exceedingly well liked of. According to the day appointed, he carried them the Money, which every one re- ceived proportionably, each man refpe6tively giving me his general releafe from the beginning of the world: they to whom I had confeft Judge- ments, filed according to Law their difcharges. 362 The E7igliJIi Rogue : Or, But when my Creditors a little while afterward, faw me walk the ftreets in fo fplendid a garb, fome of them were ready to die with anguifh : but that which troubled them moft, was my fu- percilious looks when I met any of them, and my flighting falutations. What I did in this refpe6l, was only to have the freedome of walking the ftreets, without the moleftation of chargeable ar- refts. I kept fuch beboift company, that the remaining part of my money grew low, and in a very fhort time after, was all fpent. All my drunken Companions failed me, and I having nothing left me but my cloaths, neceflity made me to condefcend to the enquiry after the kind- natured Gentlewoman my Wife: her neareft re- lations could not give me any account of her, giving her over for loft. I wandred up and down, imploying all the powers of my wit and inven- tion, in the fearch of what might conduce to fup- ply my prefent neceflities. While I was thus hammering out fome new defign on the Anvil of experience, I bethought my felf where pro- bably I might find my Wife: Firft, I went to i?a:/^/z^ high-way, and made enquiry of Dainma- ris, &c. the Metropolitan Bawd of thofe parts, for a Gentlewoman of fuch a complexion, ftature, and age, ('twas but a folly to mention her name, for thofe that follow that trade change their- names as often as they do their places of abode) but that cart-load of flefh could give me no infor- mation, neither was it poflible for me to have ftaid to hear it, flie fo ftunk of Strong-waters, ftronger then that Cask that never contained any thing elfe; I went down all along to the Crofs, in Wtfty Extravaganf 363 my way I faw many Whores ftanding at their doors, giving me invitation ; but being poor, they could not afford the charge of Funis, fo that their faces lookt much like a piece of rumbled Parch- ment, and by their continual traffick with Sea- mens Breeches, I could not come near them, they fmelt fo ftrongly of Tarpawlin and ftinking Cod ; yet ftill no tidings of her I fought for. From hence I went to Fleet-yard, but there they were fo dawb- ed or plaiflered with paint, & botcht with patches, that had I feen her there, it was impoffible for me to have known her. Away I went to Luteners-la7ie, Sodom, and Dog and Bitch-yard; but the Pox, it feemed, had not yet fitted her for thofe places. From hence I went to Whetjlons-Park, where I faw my Mad-dame ftanding at the door : her fre- quent trading, and thofe many fhots fhe had re- ceived between wind and water in the fervice, had fo altered her countenance, and difproporti- oned her body, that I knew not whether this Fri- gate was Englifh or Flemifh built: but at laft, hail- ing whence fhe was, I boarded her, and made her lawful prize: miftake me not, I rummag'd not in her Hold, fearing fhe was a Fire-fhip. The fight and knowledge of me, made her fhed fome Baby- lonifh tears, which I took little notice of, know- ing them to be either cuftomaiy to that Sex, or the effe6ls of a moift: brain. In we went together, where we had, according to the cuftom of the houfe, Pint-black-pots of fmall Ale for two pence, and quarterns of Strong-water half fill'd for fix pence, with Biskets; which as foon as brought, every one broken, though not a bit afterwards eaten. We muft be fmoaking too, though the Pipe 364 The, Englijh Rogue'. Or, muft be thrown down carelefly, and often broken as foon as put to the lips : one of the Flyers being gone down to draw fome more drink, fhe begged me to conceal my felf for the prefent, and com- ply alfo with the cheating cuftoms of the houfe, and fhe would willingly pay all. I had hardly fmoakt two whiffs more, but that a fellow came where we were, fwearing dam-me, why do you ftay with this fellow, and leave me thus, you uncon- flant Quean ? have I fpent my eftate on you, and muft you now grow weary of me ? and with that drew his knife, making a proffer to cut her nofe off. I was fo amazed at what I heard, and fo irri- tated by palTion, that I knew not which of them to be revenged on firft. Sir, faid I, I have been longer acquainted with her then you, and may juflly claim a better title and more priviledge ; but as you have affronted me, fo I fhall require fatisfa6lion inftantly, not referring our difference to be decided by the field, an Umpire that Cow- ards frequently make choice of : fo drawing my knife alfo, and feizing on his nofe, which I inten- ded to have divorc'd from his face, I was prevent- ed, for it dropt off into my hand. This accident fo aftonifht me, and withal being much affrighted at the fight of his Deaths-head, I durft not meddle with him any further, left handling any Member, it would have dropt off in the fame manner : he made a blow at me, but inflead of ftriking me, I expe6led when his fift would have flown from his body into my face : he kickt at me, but that leg being up, the other was incapable of fupporting his body, and fo he fell down. The old Bawd hear- ing this difturbance, ran to us as faft as the vaft Wifty Extravagant. 365 bulk of her body would give her leave, whofe pace was not much fwifter then a fnail in his full career, who having fafted too long, by the con- ftant repercuflion of the Sun-beams on him in a milling morning, forrageth a garden for pillage. From the place whence flie ftarted, to that where we fcuffled, was about fix yards diftance ; and from the time of her fetting forward, to the time fhe came to us (not to belye the woman) was about half an hour, and then too, out of breath, for the hafte fhe made. Sirrah, firrah, faid fhe, come you hither to breed quarrels, and abufe civil Gentle- men, and it may be build a fconce too t get you out of my houfe, you Rafcal, or I'll fcald you out. By this time tliePimp came to their afliftance, and fo they all conjoyned to fhove this poor fel- low out of doors : and notwithftanding he had for two or three years frequented the houfe, yet they neither pittied nor relieved him as a maimed fouldier, the marks whereof were a fufficient te- ftimony, befides the lofs of a Member or two. Ha- ving discharged my reckoning, my Wife appoin- ted me a place where I fhould meet her. Having now conveniency and privacy of difcourfe, we Xvav'd every thing that tended not to my prefent defign, which was the contrivance of fome way to live. At laft we refolved to take an houfe and live together ; I thought it was as good to be Pimp to my own Wife, by which means the major part of the gain would be mine, as Pimp to another for 1 2 pence a day and fpunging. What we had de- termined, we foon put in execution : what money fhe had was laid out in utenfils belonging to our Trade, as for bedding, linnen, chairs and flools, 366 The EngliJJi Rogue : Or, &c. The Tally-man or Broker, who fells his goods to be paid by 12 (af. a pound /^r week : the truth of it is, we found of him, but more efpecially his fervants, excellent cuftomers ; for they would for a private favour, cut off a fcore, fometimes two or three from the Tally. Our ftock being but fmall, my Wife was forced to be both Bawd and Whore ; but our trade increafmg, fhe goes frequently to the Carriers, where at laft fhe had pickt up a cou- ple of very well-featured Country-girls, and brings them home, entertaining them as fervants ; but fhewing as much kindnefs to them, as if they . had been our neareft kindred, purpofely to induce them to ftay : The Whore, my Wife, intended to have fold their Maiden-heads at a dear rate ; but in truth, I ever lov'd fuch things too well to put them to fale, having them in my poffeflion. To be fure thereof, I gathered my Rofe-buds the firft night, left the infe6lious and contagious breath of fome one Suburbicarian fhould blaft them : in four days time afterwards, I fitted them for their occupations, leaving the inftruftive part thereof to my Wife to feafon them withal. I never faw two young Jades underftand their trade fooner in my life ; for in a Months time they could Cant indifferently, Wheedle moft cunningly. Lye con- foundedly, Swear defperately, pick a Pocket dex- teroufly, Diffemble undifcernably, drink and (moak everlaftingly. Whore infatiately, and bra- zen out all their anions impudently. Now did I begin to renew my acquaintance with the Tribe of Rogues, with whom I grew fo intimate, that I was feldom out of their company, either at home or abroad. To relate all the tricks & rogueries we Wifty Extravagant. 367 committed in one half year, were an half years work : therefore to be fhort, we were grown fo no- torious, and fo generally taken notice of, that at laft my Wife, and her two Maids of difhonour, were apprehended by the Marfhals men, and car- ried to Bridewel ; I my felf narrowly efcaping by flight : The next day I boldly went to vifit them ; methought their beating of hemp became them excellent well ; and in troth I'll fay this for them, there hath not been feen in that place a more fer- viceable ftrong-dockt Crew for many years. Look- ing very earneftly upon that Hemp my Wife was beating, a deep fit of Melancholy feized me, pro- ceeding only from my imagination ; for I fanci- ed that very Hemp would make that very Rope which fhould put a period to my life. The time of my vifiting them, fell out on the day of their cor- reflion ; underftanding fo much, I refolved to ftay and fee them well lafht, I hop'd : My Wife being manacled, and the whip ready to encircle her Wafbe ; Hold, faid I, and then dire6ling my felf to the Mafters oi Bridewell ; May it pleafe your Wor- fhips, this woman now under correction, is the moft impudent brazen-fac'd Whore in the whole Town ; I have known her a long time, ever fmce, and fome fraall time before fhe undid her Hus- band, a very honeft man indeed, and had the good report of all his Neighbours ; but this confident Slut could not then be content without her Stal- lion, whom fhe maintained by what fhe purloin'd from her Husband, and fo utterly ruined him : fince fhe hath been the deftrudlion of feveral, fome in their eftates, others in their bodily health, and now fo far from being penitent, that fhe glories in 368 The Englijh Rogue \ Or, nothing more, then in the relation of how many Ihe hath undone here and hereafter : wherefore I befeech yourWorfhips, for my friend's fake, that good honeft man, and for the good of her own foul, add one half-dozen ftripes to the number in- tended, and let them be laid home. I had no fooner ended my fpeech, but I vanifht immediate- ly. Juft as I was out of the gate, I met with two of my roguing friends, whom the Devil had fent, I think, to way-lay me : they were going, it feems, to fee fome of their Doxies, that had that day been committed. Being over-joy'd to meet me fo accidentally, they would needs have me go to the Tavern with them : over a glafs of wine we confulted about divers matters, no goodnefs to be fure ; the refult whereof was, that I fhould go to fuch an houfe, and try if by any means I could get into it unperceived, and abfcond my felf in order to my opening the door for them about twelve a clock. According to the time nominated I went, and with much facility conveyed my felf into a lower room, wherein there was a bed, under which I crept, being confident I might lie there fecurely, till all the houfhold were retired to take their reft. After I had lain about fome two hours on the ground, there came into this room a fer- vant ; I peept out, and by the light of his candle, faw that which I thought would have diftrafted me with fear; it was the laying the cloth, by which I underftood, the Mafter of the houfe intended to fup there : fuddenly after, meat was brought in and ferved to the Table ; then came five or fix perfons, who pafling divers complements (all which needlefs ceremonies at that time, I wilht Witty Extravagant. 369 with their inventers were ftark naked upon the top of the Snowy Alps) every one took feats. Had not there been at that time fome fmall pratling children running up and down, and making a noife, the affright their appearance had put me in, would have betrayed me ; for my knees knockt fo hard one againfl the other, that they made a noife like a Mill-clack, or theftrikingof two mar- row-bones together : for my life I could not pre- vent the Palfie from feizing every limb of me. My cruel fates had fo ordered it, that there was a fmall Dog in the room, and a Cat, both dearly beloved by their Miftrefs ; who would be continu- ally flinging down fomething or other, which they continually quarrelled about, as jealous and en- vious upon the diftribution of their Miftrefs fa- vours : at length (he threw down a fmall bit ; the Cat being fomewhat a more nimble fervitor, and diligent waiter than the Dog, took it, & ran with it underneath the Bed ; the Dog ran after the Cat fnarling, endeavouring to affright her, that fbe might forfake the purchafe : The Dog approach- ing near, and too much intrenching upon her right, (he puts him in mind of his duty, by one fcratch with her Claw, and chaftifeth him for his rafhnefs with two or three more : this fo angred him, that he made a furious affault upon Pufs, who defended her felf as well as fhe could ; but at length they clofed, and grappling each other, they made a moft hideous noife. The fpot in which they fought this combat, was underneath the bed upon my buttocks : The fervant that attend- ed being over-hafty to quell the noife, by parting the fray, fnatched up the fire-fhovel, and throws b 3/0 The EngliJJi Rogue: Or, it underneath the bed ; had it hit my nofe with the edge, as it did my breech with the handle, I lliould have had it pared off even with my face. The Cat inftantly provides for her fafety by flight, but the Dog ftill remained behind grum- bHng, and now and then barking with fuch eager- nefs, that he became very offenfive to the whole company. Wherefore the fervant was commanded to drag him forth, which he did, beating him, and throwing him out of doors : in the mean time I was left in fuch a condition, as if I had been breathing mylaft. As foon as the door was open'd, the Dog came in underneath the bed with more fury than before : this fecond alarm did my bu- finefs (or as they vulgarly fay, made me do my bu- itnefs) for running fiercely on me, he had bit me by the nofe, but that I fnatcht away my head from him : but not obferving the bed-poft behind, I thought I had dafhed my brains out againfb it ; fear alfo having bereft me of my retentive facul- ty, I did let flie at one and the fame time, which made fo ftrange a noife together, that they all rofe from the table to fee what was the matter: their nofes quickly informed them of fome part, for the room was prefently ftrongly fcented ; looking un- derneath the bed, they could ite -poor J aifiPerus giving up the Ghofl; (as dying perfons ufually e- vacuate their ordure before their departure) they pulling me forth, and quickly revived me, they roughly handled me, and then beat me, till I was ene dead again. Being taken in the prefent offence, I could expe6l no other but to be fubje6l to the ri- gour of their vengeance ; I could make no plea fufificient to flay their fury, or fatisfie their re- Witty Extravagant. 371 venge ; having fetcht aConftable, I was carried be- fore a Jufticeof Peace, who with little examinati- on caufed my Mittimus to be drawn, and fo I was fent to Newgate. I was no fooner within, and un- der lock and key, but fetters confined my legs from ftragling, and bracelets were clapt upon my arms. The Rogues came all flocking about me for their Garnifh, which I gave them : fome of the gen- tiler fort added more to it, fo that we had abun- dance of drink. But never did I hear fo confufed a din of Dam-me and Sink-me\ others fmging fo loud {alias roaring) that I thought my felf in Hell, and that thefe were damned fouls that roared through extremity of torments. I thought none had been fo wicked as my felf, till I came among thefe Hell- Jiounds. Not a word come from any of their mouths, but what was feconded with an Oath, curfmg their badStars.and Blafpheming, TheMiferyof this,or any other prifon is fufiiciently reprefented, if by nothing elfe than want of liberty, that rich inhe- ritance of living fouls : as it is the greateft of in- joyments, next that imperial Gem of health, fo the want thereof next to ficknefs muft needs be of all other the moft bitter. Since then to be confined to the confines of a Gaol, is to be in part un- man'd, entomb'd alive, what and how great is that wretchednefs that is occafioned not only by a want of liberty, but by a continual dread of fhameful death ! The terror of this place full of torture is fo exafperated by the imagination of a noble mind, that Hell it felf cannot contain more exquifite woes and pains, a continuance whereof were fufficient to punifh all ofl*ences, if the Law difpenced with that debt due tojuftice, the life of the offender. Your companions are B b 2 372 The Englijh Rogue: Or, none but licentious wretches, fouls which daily furround you with their loathfome perfons over- fpread with fcabs and lice. Here fighing is our air, our comfort coldnefs, our food defpair, our mufick ratling of chains, our recreation the deftruftion of vermin ; laftly, our expe6lation death and damna- tion. The keeper with the grim afpe6l of his ftern countenance makes us tremble, with fear of a new martyrdom, whilft the infulting raskal on the tip- toes of his pride need not skrew his ill-favoured face to a frown, for he knows not how to look otherwife; which fo dejefls the fpirits of we poor imprifoned flaves, that the contrition of our looks feems to implore his fmiles, whofe flinty heart having renounced remorfe, cafts a defiance in our fad and pitious faces. I might infift much fur- ther, but that I am haftning to get out of the miferable and foul-excruciating prifon. One day after I had exonerated nature, I chanc'd to view the feat, and found that it was no difficult mat- ter to go down the vault by the help of a Rope. A trufty friend coming to fee me, I told him what I had obferved, and what I wanted : fome three days before the Seffions, he brought me Rope e- nough to have hanged us all. Having a refpeft un- to two more, which I honoured for their admira- ble good parts, I informed them of what I in- tended ; which prefently we put in execution. Firft I went down, but I could have wilhed my felf up again ; for I was up to the neck, and knew not but I might be deeper, but to my great com- fort I found to the contrary ; the reft defcended af- ter me, with the like good fuccefs. Hav-ing gotten us to an houfe, in which we could put confidence, we quickly freed our felves from our Iron tackle. JVitfy Extravagant. 373 CHAP. LVI. He and his two Comrades {w/iick he had delivered) difguife theinfelves, and having been old experi- enced Gamejlers, they taught him all the tricks on Cards, by which t/iey ufually cheated their Cullies or MoutJis; and alfo /unv to nap, palm, or Top a Dye; With all things thereunto belonging. WE had places enough to fend to for change of apparel, as rich as we pleafed, or as beg- gerly again on the contrary, according as our de- fign required. Having layen in Lavender about a fortnight in this houfe, not only to fweeten us, but that the rumour of our efcape, and fearch for us might be over, we got our felves change of ha- bits: Then did we all confult with our Looking- glaffes for the change of our faces, not fuflfering our own judgements to pafs, without the appro- bation of the reft. In the firft place I got me a coal- black Perriwig (my own hair being flaxen) and a fmall falfe beard fuitable, with whiskers in the Spani/h fafhion ; It was no great trouble to black my eye-brows every morning; then clapping a patch on my left eye, ftealing out of the room, while my Companions were bufied about the fame thing, not minding me, and coming in again pre- fently, my appearance did put them all into a ve- ry ftrange confufion. I changed my voice, and asked them what they were doing; and fpeaking to them in a tone they were not acquainted with, their chops mov'd inceffantly, but the Devil a 374 1^^^ EngliJJi Rogue: Or, word I could underftand ; they had got a palfie in their jaws by their fudden furprizal; To have obferved the feveral Monkey-faces, and Baboon- poftures, could not but extraft laughter from the feverefl Cynick. Why don't you anfwer me, and that quickly, ye fneaking dumb Rafcals? Look- ing mod piteoufly one upon the other, expefting who fhould fpeak firft, at laft faid one, We mean no harm, we are only preparing fome things for a Mask, which fhortly will be prefented to the Ci- tizens, and we are perfons therein concerned. I could not hold longer, but burft forth into an excefTive laughter, by which they underilood their miftake, not without fhame enough, to think that the apprehenfion of danger fo (lightly grounded, fhould fo terrific them, being ftruck dumb, and almoft dead with a pannick fear. To be brief, we very well liked the manner of our Metamorpho- fis ; and having borrowed fome money as the ne- ceffary tools of our intended Trade, we adventu- red abroad. The firfl mouth we pickt up was in the Long-walk by Chriji- Church, upon the account of a wager: there came towards us a young man, who by his garb feemed to be a Merchants man, (he afterwards proved fo, and his Cafheer) I ftept to him and faid. Sir, if it may not be too trouble- fome to you, I befeech you refolve me one quefti- on: This Gentleman hath laid an Angel with me, and referr'd the decifion thereof to the next that came this way way, whether this next adjacent Hofpital be S. Thomas s,ox 'i. Bartholomews. Said the young man, I can affureyou it is S.Bartholomews. Why then friend (faid I) you have loft. Sir, will you be pleafed (if it may not be any great hindrance Wttiy Extravagant. 375 to your prefent affairs) accompany us to the next Tavern, and participate of the lofings? for I fcorn to pocket it. He condefcended, and fo we went to- gether; we difcovered not any thing till the fixth pint, and then my friend, as by chance, found a pair of Cards in a corner of the window, which he himfelf had layed there before. Here is a pair of Cards (faid he) come, to pafs away the time, let us play for a pint or fo; fo I really took up my friend : Putt was the game ; I won of him two or three pints, and ever and anon I would drink to the ftranger, fo that now he began to be warm'd, and feemed to take delight in our play, looking over my hand, and fometimes prompting me to fee him when he did putt to me. At laft my friend played the High Game, as the term of Art renders it ; that is, he gave me two Trays and an Ace, and referved for himfelf two Trays and a Duce. My Antagonifl puts to me: I pretended I knew not what to do, fhewed my game to the ftranger that looked over my fhoulder: he jogs me on the Elbow ; I ftill delayed ; come Sir (faid my oppo- nent) what will you do? I will hold you five pound on thefe very cards in my hand. I receiv'd the fecond jog; will you go myhalfs Sir, faid \} He anfwered me, that he would. But alas, we loft : it could be no otherwife. This fo animated the ftranger, that he perfwaded me to play again, and that he would go the moyety of every ftake. Sometimes 'twas fo ordered that I won ; but in fine I loft forty pound, my Cully being half He would now give over, being much perplex'd that he (hould thus lofe his Mafters mony; but that he might forget the condition he was in, we drank $y6 . The Englijh Rogite : Or, round fome half a dozen healths : So that now I thought it high time to provoke him again to let down his milk by fome new trick or ftratagem. Now did we fall to the Preaching of the Par f on ^ a trick on the Cards, which hath deceived the moft curious eye, and the warieft of men ; with which we gained from our young Merchant,, the major part of his money. Laftly, to the intent we might without any fur- ther delays give him an acquittance for the reft of his money, we drew out fome other implements, viz. Dice fixt for our purpofe, as Higk-fullums, which feldom run any other chance then four, five, and fix ; Low-fullmns, which run one, two, and three, &c. By thefe means we fent him home pennilefs and heartlefs, whilft we drank healths to the con- fufion of forrow. IVttfy Extravagant. 577 CHAP. LVII. From hence he goes, by the direlion .of his comrades, to a new fajhion Bawdy-houfe ; he defcribes it, and relates his own fuccefs. TT Pon the divifion we found each mans fhare J to amount to 40 /. a piece. Being overjoy'd at our firft good fuccefs, we refolv'd to return thanks for our good fortunes in fome private Meeting-houfe, where we might have a Sifter to afTift in the carrying on the work of the day. The Devil in all Societies never wants his Fa6lor, or one to foUicit his bufmefs : For, I had no fooner intimated my defires, but prefently one of my Rope-brokers gave me information of a place fit for that purpofe, and that the like was not any where to be found. Being prickt on with the defire of novelty, and to underftand the curiofities therein, I went according to my directions folely; for company in fuch defigns commonly fruftrates expectations. They advifed me when I came to the door, to pretend I came to enquire out lodg- ings : At the firft, I verily thought my felf abufed by thefe Rogues, or miftaken in the houfe, when I faw a Porter ftanding at the door with his tipt- ftaff : To undeceive my felf, I confidently, yet civilly askt him, whether there were any Lodg- ings to be let there .^ Yes Sir, (faid he) which you may view if you will give your felf the trouble of walking in. I had no fooner entred the door, but I was met by a grave Matron, who readily under- 37^ The Englijh Rogue: Or, flood (as I conceived) my approach, by her fenti- nels above in the windows. Madam (faid I) I am informed, that here are lodgings to be let. There is fo, Sir, (faid fhe) and with that conduced me into her Parlor (which was gallantly furnifhed) there to take a flridler view of me, as to my per- fon, but more efpecially my garb, by which fhe might partly judge how well lined my pockets were. After the refolution of fome trivial quefti- ons, for difcourfe fake, fhe was fo well fatisfied in me, that fhe fhewed me the way up one pair of ftairs, into a very large and fair Dining-room hung with rich Tapiftry, and adorned round with excellent Pi6lures, the Effigies of divers Ladies (as I took them to be) renowned and celebrated in all ages, for the faireft and moft beautiful of that Sex. A fervant brought us up immediately after our entry into that room, a bottle of Sack, without any order given, as I could perceive ; out of which the old Gentlewoman drank to me, expreffmg my welcome. For want of other dif- courfe (as I thought) becaufe we were both filent a while, for I was contemplating her face, in which I could then fee ftill the goodly mines of a beautiful and handfome countenance ; Sir, faid fhe, as you are a Gentleman, you may have fome knowledge in that noble Art of Limning, fmce for its excellency it is in thefe our days (and hath been in moft ages) much ftudied by the Gentry of this Nation ; wherefore, your judgement, Sir, which of all thefe Piftures is the beft drawn, or according to the rules of Phyfiognomy, hath the beft features .-^ Madam, faid I, I fhall freely give you my judgement ; which is, This, in my opinion Wiiiy Extravagant. 379 (pointing at one) for (he hath a full large front, her archt eye -brows are thick and black, without any ftragling hairs ; her eyes are of the fame co- lour, and by their intuitive faculty feem to pene- trate that which they look on ; paffing her cheeks, which carry in them an excellent air, and her nofe, which is neither too long nor too fhort, view her lips, whofe plumpnefs and rednefs refemble a double Cherry ; and then for the dimples in her cheeks and chin, I could make them the fubjeft of an whole days difcourfe : what might be faid more of this reprefentation, I fhall wave, wifhing my felf no greater happinefs, then to difcourfe the reft with the real fubftance ; which is not im- poffible. Sir, if you can have but the faith to be- lieve your own eyes ; and fo inftantly thereupon withdrew her felf, leaving me amazed at what I had already feen, my heart the mean time beat- ing an alarm to my paffions, to be all in readinefs at the approach of this Celeftial Creature. Hear- ing a ruftling of Silks, I drew my eyes off the Pi- 6ture, and looking towards the door, there I faw enter an Angel ; for I could not believe there could be fo much perfe6lion in any one mortal : with profound reverence I ftood at a diftance, ad- miring, or rather adoring her perfon, till fhe fmi- lingly and familiarly defired me to fit down. Be- ing come to my felf, I could talk to her ; and in half an hour, confidence had repoffeft her ancient feat in me. It will not only take up too much time, but alfo offend the ears of the modeft Reader, here to infert what difcourfes we had ; therefore I fhall wave them, and come to the conclufion. Sir, faid fhe, I quef- tion not but that you are acquainted with 380 The Englijh Rogue. Or, the cuftoms of the Houfe. I protefted to her, I was altogether ignorant. Why, you know that you may call for what Wine you pleafe, not ex- ceeding four Bottles ; and if you pleafe to eat, you Iliall have fome choice bit fuitable to the fea- fon, &c., if you ftay not all night, your expence fhall be but forty fliillings, and you fhall have to boot, the enjoyment of a Miftrefs befides : but if you flay all night, then thus muft you do (and with that drew forth ten pieces of Gold) whether you fancy me or any elfe, that matters not, you mufl depofit before you go to bed ten pound, lay- ing it underneath your own head, and for every kifs, &c., take a piece back again, and if you draw in this manner all your own ftake, you may next day be difmift with a great deal of applaufe, without expending a penny, but what you fhall be pleafed to diflribute voluntarily among the fervants. I was ftark mad to be at it, and fo im- patient, that I prefently told out ten pieces. Tel- ling my money the next morning, I found I had eight pound of my ten, but I deferved to have had my money trebled : however, for the prefent, I thought forty fhillings was never better fpent, nor husbanded with fo much recreation and delight. By her I underftood what manner of cattel they were that frequented that houfe, though proftitutes and free-booters, yet fuch as fcorned a piece of Country-dirt : fome whereof, were perfons of no mean quality, which came thither to fatisfie (what was impoffible to do) their infatiate lufts, and therefore enabled that Law or Cuflom of depofit- ing ten pieces, meerly to incite fuch who were confident of themfelves to make trial of their JViUy Exirava^ant 381 skill for the lucre of gain ; and to the intent that it might not be difcovered, either by their Hus- bands, or fuch relations or friends that had re- ceived caufes of jealoufie, they had their peep- ing-holes, where they might plainly and fully fee fuch who came upon the like accounts. If the Gentleman was unknown to that Gentlewoman whofe Pi6lure he ele6led to bear him company that night, fhe with much freedom would appear, and tender her felf as the fubje6l of his pleafure ; otherwife abfcond her felf If fo, and the Gen- tleman prefs hard for a fight of her the Piflure reprefented, why then Madam Bawd finds fomc excufe or other, as that Pi6lure fhe bought ca- fually at fecond-hand as fhe paft through Long- lane, or that it was the gift of fome friend of hers ; with many other fiftions, meerly to make him de- fifl from the purfuance of his defires. Being very much pleafed in the fatisfa<51;ion of my fancy, I took my leave, not without fome acknowledgement thereof, in thefe confequent lines. What is a Bawdy-houfe .- I fain would know : It is a thing appears fo by tfie fJiow. Is that a Brothel, or an houfe of State, Where Tip-flaff Porters do attend the gate ? Tlien tJiere are vtany noble ones I fee, Ajtd Palaces may Courts of Bawdry be : This was aflately houfe, and yet was fuch ; In /lately houfes Ladies take a touch. It mufl be fo, tlC have little elfe to do, Thenfludy liow to anfwer thofethat woo. Such pamper' d flefli mufl yield, and few gain-fays Their own lufls motions, but with formal nays ; Ratfter tlieti want tfiat fatisfalion, mofl Stick not to purc/iafe it, though at the co/i 382 The EugliJJi Rogue : Or, Of health and wealth ; delighthig thus in fcfice, T/iey never think too much the reconipence. Why Jliould they theji fond fouls i- ail at an Whore, Since they tlienif elves are on that very f cor ef A fid damn all Brothels too to Hell ; but flay What houfe is not a Brothel-houfe I pray ? Many Tvefeen, with this nofie can compare ; A new Exchange where Ladies fell their Ware To none ; they f corn thereon to fet a price. But leave it folely to the Chapman's choice: No Sale-fJtop, but a Game at In and In ; Throw In and In but ten times, and you win. Here by a female Council 'twas judg'd fit. He that reaps pleafure here, mufi pay for it ; Not with his purfe, fo much as brawny back, Solely affecting fuch who hold them, tack : A ftd to provoke men on, no want of wine ; Nay, all delights do here in one combine To raife mens fancy, that he may do dre That thing he did but even tlien before. Her rofie dimpled cheeks, vermilion lips, Did blufh to fee lier ivory thighs and hips : Her round f of t belly fwelled with pride below Like a f mall Hill 'twas overfpread with f now : Let a warm, hand but touch it, and it will Its moiflure into pearly drops difiill ; We kifl and parted, I figJid,fhe did fob ; She for her lufly Lad, / for my Mob. Wt'Uj' Extravagant 383 CHAP. LVIII. He finds out his two Conterades {the Gamefters) and after fovie confultation had, tJiey refolved to re- affume tlieir quondam trade of Padding ; are taken, and co^nmitted to Newgate. FRom this houfe of pleafure, (where I muft in- genuoufly confefs I never received more for fo little expence) I went in fearch of my two Gamefters, whom cafually I met : The next Ta- vern was our Council-chamber, where Wine was the di6lator. We there unanimoufly concluded, it was a thing beneath us to pick up here and there Crowns or Angels but refolved on Have at all, knowing that a five hours adventure might make us poffeffors of 500 /. With this refolution we went and bought us horfes, with all things requi- fite for our intended expedition : being all ready and well prepared, we took our leaves of London for a while; we had not rid above fifteen miles, but we baited : the Hoftler knowing me, and what defigns I had formerly been upon, and imagining I was fleering the fame courfe, whifpered me in the ear, that he hada defire tofpeak with me inftantly: taking my opportunity, under the pretence of looking to my horfe, he informed me, that there were three within drinking, that on the next morning would travel fuch a Road, and that they had a great charge with them. I thankt him, bidding him come to my chamber at night, where I would difcourfe farther with him. Then 384 The Englijk Rogue : Or, he gave me a fummary account of all ; and after a fmart drinking bout, with promifes to him of reward if we profpered, we betook our felves to our reft : in the morning very early we called for our horfes, and rid in that very Road through which thofe three Travellers were to pafs, where we planted our felves very conveniently : about three hours after, we could difcern them at a dif- tance : by that time we had made our felves ready, they were at hand : juft at the bottom of a fmall hill we bid them ftand ; they askt us to what in- tent : We told them, that we were younger Bro- thers, and wanted mony, and therefore muft bor- row iome of them. With that, they all in an inftant drew their fwords ; being not unprovided with Pocket-piftols, we fired at them, and they again at us : we were all at level-coyl, and very equally matcht ; the fecond fhot killed my horfe, and a fourth bereaved my Confort of life ; the third Rogue ran away : being in a labyrinth of perplexity, I thought it the beft way to fell my life at as dear a rate as I could (knowing very well that if I were taken I fhould be hanged.) I fought with my fword as long as I could fland upon my legs, wounding both them and their horfes ; but at laft one unhappily ran me through the fword-hand, and thereupon I was difarmed. I was carried by them before the next Juftice of Peace, whom they enquired out, and by a Mittimus was committed. I could not now expe6l any thing but death : but the next news I heard was, that I muft be removed to Newgate, there being other things to be al- leadged to my charge. I was mounted again, in order to my removal, but very ill hors'd, being WiUj/ Extravagant. 385 bound thereunto and pinnion'd, my greateft grief (when I came into London-^VQ^ts) was to hear the various difcants of the good women on me ; fome faying, What a pity it is fuch an handfome young man fhould come to the gallows fo foon ? Others judged I had deferved it, otherwife I fhould not have rid to Town in that pofture pinnion'd, and fo attended with a guard. As foon as the keeper faw me, leaping for joy, O Sir, are you come again ? we will take care that you fhall not be any more annoyed with fmells proceed- ing from the Vault ; and fo without more ado, laid as much iron on me, as there is in fome Smiths (hops, and confined me clofe Prifoner to the Dungeon. Which made me ctirfe thofe afts the Fates have dene. To caufe a Jetting ere a rifing Sun : But jince my doom is now decreed by Fate, I mujl indur't, repentance is too late. Co 386 The E7iglifh Rogtie: Or, CHAP. LIX. He much condemns the follies ofhispajl a6lions, and in token of his unfeigned repentance, gives fome general inflrulions to his Country-men, firfl how to know P adders on the Road, by infallible Jigns ; with otJier remarques worthy the obfervation of any Traveller^ laid down in fome confequent Chapters. BEing in this terreftrial Hell, (where darknefs, horror and defpair furrounded me) my con- fcienceftarted out of her dead fleep, and prefently demanded of me a fevere account of what I had done. My guilt was fuch, I had not a word to fpeak for my felf, but wifhed my produ6lion (as my ac- tions were) inhumane. What did not then the apprehenfion of an approaching and unavoidable death, fuggeft to my thoughts! to have only dyed (though with the moft exquifite, terrifying, and foul-excruciating tortures) was not a thing the fpirit of man fhould fhrink at ; but the confide- ration of an eternal punifhment hereafter, juflly infli6led on fuch who have offended an infinite God, abfolutely diftra6led me : So that me- thought I already heard the howls and hollow grones of damned Souls, which add to the weight of their everlafting mifery. Having fomewhat appeafed my enraged confcience, by a faithful promife and conftant refolution to lead a new life, if I fhould efcape the danger of the Law, I de- Witijy Extravagant. 387 termined with my felf, to ftiew the firft Fruits of my reformation, by publifhing fomething to the world, that might ferve as a guide for Tra- vellers, how they might paffe in fafety on their way. To that purpofe I acquainted my Keeper with my good intentions ; but that being no particular profit to him, he valued not the pub- lick, and therefore reje6led my good motion, till I greas'd his fift, and then I had the ac- commodation of a Candle, Pen, Ink and Paper, &c. The uncertainty of their attire, various difguifes, non-conftancy of refidence, and chang- geable names, makes me incapable to do what I would : Therefore I will do what I can (ac- cording to my fmall experience, occafioned by my no long continuance among them.) Riding on the Road (if you have company) it may be two or three fhall overtake you, and feem to be much afraid of you : they will pretend to be even now fet upon by half a dozen flout fellows, but that they did beat the Rogues, forcing them to fly for fafety : and this fiflion they ufe to feal with basket-hilt- oaths : thus by your anfwers they will find whether you dare fight ; if not, they will wait an opportunity to a6l their roguery on you ; which having done, as a reward for what un- willingly you have left them, they will pretend to give you a word fhall protel you better than your fword, from any injury fhall be done you upon the like account : but this is nothing elfe than a meer cheat, and no fecuring charm ; for we valued not words, when our wants were in purfuit of Monies. Not but that we ufed fome formal words among our felves, when ready to Cc 2 388 The Englijh Rogue'. Or, feize a prize ; and obferving other company, ei- ther before or behind, to defift a while, by which we knew what we had to do, and the ignorant Travellers fufpe6led no wrong. CHAP. LX. What is to he taken heed untOy before the Traveller begin his Journey. Moil refpe6led Country-men, and more efpe- cially you, who frequently pafs the Road, the moft part of my notorious wicked life having been confumed in all manner of cheats and de- bauchery, and that in part of late maintained by robbing : feeing now the wretchednefs of that courfe of life, and being fenfible of the injury I have done my Country, I looked upon my felf as bound to fatisfie the debt I owe to you, to the ut- termoft of my power ; which reacheth to an a6l not more fatisfaftory, than good advice how to avoid thofe dangers which too many of late days have fallen into,fmceDammee Plumes of Feathers came in fafhion. Firft then, if you carry a charge about you, make it not known to any, and conceal the time of your departure in your own breaft ; for it is a cuftom no lefs common than indifcreet and foolifh, among fome fort of perfons, to blaze abroad among their reputed friends, the time of their intended journey, and vainglorioufly make them acquainted with what confiderable fumms they fhould carry with them ; by which means Wtiiy Extravagant. 38 the Son hath oftentimes betrayed the Father, and one friend another, by informing or complotting with fome of the Padding fociety ; the difcoverer fharing (for giving notice of the prize) one quarter or more of the gain he betrays, when but for this foolifh humour they had not been way-lay'd. A- gain, have a fpecial care, both of the Hoftler, Chamberlain and Hofl himfelf : the two firfl the Thief is fure to bribe ; and the laft, in expefla- tion of a fhare with them (as it is fo ordered) or in hopes that the major part of what they get fhall be profufely fpent in his houfe, gives them items where the booty Hes. Efpecially be fure on the road to afTociate with none but fuch as you find incHned rather to leave your company then keep it : for they are very fufpicious perfons, and often- times prove dangerous, that prefsinto your fociety, and are very inquifitive to know whither you in- tend, fpinning out the time with many imperti- nent queftions. But if you would know whether the ftrangers intentions be honeflly inclined, take occafion to make fome ftay : obferve you in the mean time their motion : for if they make an halt, or alight, fo that you may overtake them, follow at a diflance ; but if their pace be fo flow that you needs muft overtake them, look about you, and provide for your fafety ; for there is no furer fymptom of an Highway-man than fuch purpofed delays. The other ufual marks of fuch Moths be thefe ; they commonly throw a great Leaguer-cloak over their fhoulders, covering their faces, or elfe they have vifibly difguifed their faces in fome manner or other. Now of late they find very ufeful a Vizard, in every refpefl, (but 390 The Englijh Rogue '. Or, for the largenefs) like the a-la-mode Vizard-masks fo much worn by Gentlewomen, who endeavour to conceal the fhame of their wanton aftions by abfconding their faces. If you meet with any who have none of thefe things, as foon as they come fomewhat near you, fix your eye full in their face : if they turn their heads from you, keep your di- flance, and ride from them with what expedition you can; but being furprized by any you know, be very careful that you difcover it not to them ; for thefe Defperado's never think themfelves fe- cure, till they have prevented your giving intelli- gence, by cutting afunder the thread of your life. Obferve whether their beards and hair of their head agree in a colour, and are not counterfeit; and be fure to beware of him that rides in a Mountier-cap, and of fuch as whifper oft ; or of any one fingle perfon that intrudes into your company ; for that is one way they have to en- fnare the Traveller : he will tell you a great many merry and facetious ftories, meerly to mgratiate himfelf with you ; which having obtained, he fhews himfelf more than ordinary civil, and fo fearful of anything that may prejudice his new acquaintance, that he no fooner efpies two riding toward them, but he apparently trembles, and will prefently queftion his new friends, what charge they have about them : if little, the beft way were to yield to thefe approaching perfons, if Thieves, rather than hazard a life ; but if it be any thing confiderable, he will prefently vow to be true to them, and rather than they fhould come to any danger or lofs, he will fight with them as long as he hath breath. Thefe fo cauflefly fufpe6led, were perhaps down- JVtffy Extravagant. 391 right honeft fellows : but before they have travel- led five miles further, 'tis ten to one but they o- vertake two or three more, one it may be riding afide with twifts of Hay inftead of Boots, it may be with a Fork, Bill, or Goad in his hand, like a Country-Boor. It may be your newly-entertain- ed treacherous Friend will tell you that he will make good fport with this Country-Bumpkin, and fo to that purpofe ask him fome foolifh imperti- nent queftion, which the other fhall anfwer as ri- diculoufly ; fo fpinning out the time till a conve- nient place and a fit opportunity ferve ; then fhall this pretended friend feize one of you him- felf, and my Hedge-creeper turn He6lor, and lay hold on another : and now will it be in vain for you to ftrive, for nothing but money will ranfome you out of their hands. CHAP. LXI. InJlruSlions in wJiat manner, at what time, and what Road is nioji fafe to ride. THere are fo many ways to rob the innocent, that it behoveth every man to be very cir- cumfpe6l, how, when, and where he rides. If you have a quantity of money about you, chufe rather to ride by night then day ; for by this means you are freed from any Horfeman or Cutter whatever. But this courfe cannot feal your prote6lion from bafe fheep-ftealing penny-Rogues, the bafenefs and lownefs of whofe fpirits will ft oop for a Noble, though they hang for their pains ; therefore take 392 The Englijh Rogue : Gr, heed of their long poles, and that they do not fuddenly ftart out and lay hold on your bridle. As for the nobler fort of Rogues, this they believe as an undeniable Maxime, that none will ride by night that are worth the robbing. Befides, they are oblig'd to take their Inn betimes, left through miftruft they fhould be apprehended : Moreover, they hardly dare adventure in the dark, becaufe they cannot difcern what dangerous defences the affailed have, as Piftols, or other private weapons in readinefs, nor fee their own advantages : and withall, it will be no difficult matter to convey in the obfcurity of the night, what they have undif- covered, into fome ditch. Chufe to travel in by- roads, for it is a general rule with High-way-men to keep their ftation on the greateft Roads, that of the number that pafs by, they may feleft fuch as they think will prove the richeft booties. Here now as a Corollary, take notice of a foolifh cu- ftom : Some when they ride by any place that commonly fpeaks danger, they will buftle up to- gether fide by fide ; which is the ufual overthrow of fuch. Wherefore take my counfel here, when ere you ride, in fear efpecially, ride far afunder, at leaft a ftones throw : by fo doing none durft fet upon you, fearing left this ftragling order give fome leave to efcape undoubtedly, and fo raife the Country in their purfuit. Wtlty Extravagant. 393 CHAP. LXII. How a man is to behave him/elf if hefet orfur- pHfed. WHen the Rogue bids you ftand, look not about as if amazed, or hoping for a refcue ; for this doth but encourage them to the height of refolution and expedition : but looking fternly, as if fear were a ftranger to you, making your brow the throne of rage and fury, draw, and un- dauntedly tell them, that though you have but little, yet you would willingly facrifice your life rather than lofea penny ; and add ten more to it (if you had them) then have your reputation flained with cowardife. This is the readieft and moft certain way to fave both your mony and credit ; for they fighting with a guilty confcience within and without, againft Country, Law, and Juftice, if nobly a man refifts (this I know experi- mentally) the ftouteft, and moft undaunted, and higheft fpirit of them all will ftoop to difcourage- ment. Some I have known, that durft out-brave the roaring Cannon to the mouth, yet their cou- rages have found an alteration, when on this ac- count they have met with a bold and nobly re- folved Antagonift : but if by your own negligence, and the malevolency of fortune, the pleafure of your journey is eclipfed and clouded by a fudden furprifal, and that you fee no hopes but that you muft yield, be not fo unwife as to ftrive when it is too late, but give them the beft words you can ; 394 The EngliJJi Rogue : Or, and rack your wits to pleafe their ear, rnofl de- voutly wifhing you had more moneys to fupply their prefent occafions ; and fo banifhing all de- jeftednefs from your looks, deliver fome, and fo perhaps they will let you pafs without further fearch. If they make a fecond offer, yield freely to it : then it may be they will fift you foundly ; never in that time lay your hand near your mo- ney, and feeming fearlefs, it will be a means to make their fufpition of a greater fum to vanifh. This I have known my felf, that when I have taken fo much as pleafed me well, by mens fear I have had grounds to think they had more, and fo made me refearch ; laying my hand but near the place where they had concealed the reft, fud- denly would they cry out, that they were undone, when as yet I had found nothi.ng ; but by this their foolifh and undifcreet carriage I have found the remainder, which otherwife might have been fecure and fafe from me. IViity Extravagant. 395 CHAP. LXIII. DireclionSy if robbed, how to folloiu the Thieves ; which way to Jet Hue and Q,xy after them ; how to coafi, and where to find tliein. IF you are robbed, there is no help but to indea- vour to furprize the Thieves by a ftri6l purfuit: Therefore let no Remora or delay deter you from obtaining your wifh, and fo feize them that fo lately feized you. In the firft place, fcowre the next Road, not ftreight before, but either on the right or left hand ; for they know Htie and Cries never crofs the paffages, but go ftraight along. If in fo doing you mifs them, then conclude they are fheltred in fome Inn which you have paft, and therefore you muft fet fome careful Spies, with a fufficient afliftance near at hand, and be confident you will fee them come that way, without the leaft apprehenfion of fear, or fear of apprehenfi- on. But this obferve, that if they light of any con- fiderable fum, then do they ride that night to their general Rendezvous in London, which is too fure a fhelter for them : but obfervably take no- tice, for here is as eminent an example of their fubtilty, as any ever the Devil enrich'd their knowledge with ; For, if you are robbed in the eaftern quarter, purfue them not in the dire6l Road to London with Hue and Cry, for by fome other way they are fled ; but hafte to the City, and in Weflmitifler, Holborn, the Strand and Co- vent-garden fearch fpeedily, for there they are. If Northward they light on you, then to South- 396 The EiiglifJt Rogiie'. Or, wark, the Bankjide, or Lambeth they are gone; and when you find any one, feize all with him, for they are all Companions that are together. CHAR LXIV. Cordial advice, and ififallible inJlmSlions for the Innkeeper, how to know Thieves from his honefl Guefls. MEthinks the many tragical examples of Inn- keepers, who have harboured and counte- nanced Thieves, were fufficient (I fhould think) to deter thofe that furvive from doing the like ; wherefore my advice to them in general is, that their chiefefl care be, not to wink at any fuch life- defbroying aflions for hope of gain, left that fweet be imbittered by future trouble and difgrace. That you may know them, obferve thefe Rules : Firft, they are extraordinary curious about their horfes ; they will have them as ftrangely dreft, as ftrangely fed, with Mafhes, Bread, Flefh, and min- gled provender, and that in an unufual quantity^ If any wonder at the extraordinary feeding of their horfes, they will endeavour to palliate their defign therein, by telling that their tricks and good abilities deferve it : nay, fometimes they will boaft, that their worthy fervices will foon repay the coft ; ufmg the like dark words to that effeft, which are palpable grounds for fufpition. It is their cuftom likewife to ask, Whofe horfe is that ? or, What is the owner thereof ftanding by? of what fun6tion or quality ? whither he intends to travel ? how far, and when ? Obferve again, WiUy Extravagant. 397 that their Cloak-bags are for the moft part empty, carrying them only but to make a fliew. Next, the Chamberlain condu6ling them to their Chamber, he is prefently difmift ; but let him hearken, and if they are High-way men, 'tis ten to one but they fall to fhare what they have pur- chafed that day ; and he fhall fee every one taking his dividend, as well as hear the money, if he but narrowly pry intothe Chamber. This they never defer, left he which hath the purfe fhould cheat the reft. But above all, for their difcovery, make this trial ; Caufe one to knock haftily at the gate, giving him inftru6lions in the mean time that at- tends on them, to obferve their carriage then, and he ftiall fee them ftartand ftare in each others face with ghaftly looks, being ftruck with fear and amazement : fpeak fo that they may hear you, feemingly to fome or other in the houfe, asking what Officers thofe are } what is their bufmefs ? or whom do they look for } or the like. If they feem much frighted, bid them fear not, for none fhall fearch where they are, to offer them any in- jurie ; and that they are as fafe with him, as in a well fortified Caftle. By this means you may pry into their private thoughts and aftions fo far, as that you may gather, not only fubftantial grounds formore then bare conje6lures, but it may be they will confefs fomething too, defiring your concealment and fuccour, and they fhall think themfelves for ever ingaged : after this you may ufe your own difcretion. Then again, you may perceive by their loitering and difregard of time, what they expert ; for they only bait but to ob- ferve what purchafe they can fee pafs by ; which when they have efpyed, they will pretend imme- 398 The EngUPi Rogue : Or, diate bufinefs calls them to be gone, and fo mount in great hafte. Again, when they come to an Inn to lodge, they commonly come in divided, or in feveral Companies, fruftrating the Hue and Cry by their number : befides, if one part be fur- prized, the other may efcape ; and when the re- fidue comes in, they feem as ftrangers one to the other, enquiring of mine Hoft what their Compa- nions are, what Country-men, whether he knows them ? and if they find he hath either jealoufie or fufpition of any of them, they will feign fome of bufinefs that neceffitates their fpeedy departure : but if you take them for honeft men, as they met by feeming chance in your Kitchin, fo after fome formal civil falutations, and drinking together, they foon became acquainted, and before they part, fhew much familiarity. Thus as I was far- ther endeavouring to lay open their devices and deceits, to repair what wrong my Country had fuftained by me, word was brought me, that I muft immediately appear at the Bar, and there anfwer what fhould be objefted againft me ; and it was but juft that I fhould be now expofed to the Law of Juflice, fmce I had fo often reje6led and flighted the Law of Mercy. CHAP. LXV. He receives fentence of Condemnation ; he thereupon J erioujly contemplates Death,andconJtders Eternity. Appearing at the Sefllons, and feeing fo many of my Adverfaries ready to give in their evi- vidence againft me, I concluded my felf a leman; WiUy Extravagant 399 my very countenance betrayed both my thoughts of guilt and defpair. In fhort, I received fentence of Death to be hanged at Tyburn, by the neck till I was dead. I thought thefe fad tidings would have prefently deprived me of my life, and fo have faved the Hangman a labour. All the way I went back to Newgate, I fancied nothing but Gibbets ftood in my way, and that I faw no other trades but Cord-winders. Being entred the prifon, I was forthwith put into the Dungeon, laden with fhackles : I had not been many hours there, be- fore a charitable Phyfician of the foul, I mean a Minifter, came to vifit me, who advifed me to re- pent, fince it was high time ; and endeavouring to disburden my confcience, by extra6ling from me a general ingenious confeflion of what enormous crimes I had committed. Finding this perfon to have no other defign, but merely for my fouls fake, I differed the adlions of my whole life, not omitting any thing that might be accounted finful. He was amazed to hear fuch notorious Ro- guery in one Man, and fo young ; wherefore, be- fore he applied any cordial, he adminiftered his corrofives, and fo thorowly fearcht every corner of my heart, that there was nothing hid from him. In the firft place, he made me fenfible of the wick- ednefs of my life, and that every, nay, the lead e- vil aflion, deferved the lofs of eternal and inex- prefTible happinefs, and inftead thereof, torments everlafting and intolerable. It will take up too much time, to give an account of every thing this pious man alleadged for my information, contri- tion, and confolation : fo effectually and power- fully he delivered his divine Meffage, that the ob- 400 Tke Englijh Rogue-. Or, duratenefs of my heart was able to hold out no longer, but melting into tears, was willing to have its flintinefs broken by the hammer of Sacred Writ. Finding me in fo good a temper, he left me to God and my felf, for the perfedling of that work he had fo hopefully and fuccefsfully begun. I began to confider what I was, only a ftatue of dufl kneaded with tears, and mov'd by the hid en- gines of reftlefs pafllons ; a clod of earth, which the fhorteft Fever can burn to afhes, and the leafl fhowre of rheums wafh away to nothing ; and yet I made as great a noife in the world, as if both the Globes (thofe glorious Twins) had been unwomb- ed from that formlefs Chaos, by the Midwifry of my wit : all my a6lions were attended with fo much fuccefs, and fo anfwerable to my defires, as if I had been one of heavens privy-Counfellors ; which fwelled me up with fo much arrogance, that I fpake thunder, lookt lightning, and breath- ed deftru6lion ; and by the eloquence of my own vanity, I perfwaded my felf, that the machinati- ons of my brain were able to unhinge the Poles: but it is otherwife decreed, that the Minifters of Juftice fhould put a period to my boundlefs pride, to make me know I am but a man, and that mor- tal too. And having but a fhort time to live, I thought it very requifite to think of that which muft fhortly be the means to convey me either to blifs or woe ; by fo doing, I feized on death be- fore it feized on me. It was the fittefl fubje6t I could bufie my foul about ; for what more hea- venly, than the thought of immortality } and what fo neceffary, as the thought of death } Seneca faith) When he was aj/oungman^ he ftudiedto live Witty Extravagant. 401 well ; wJicn aged how to dye well : but I never pra- 6lifed Artem bene vivetidi, and therefore am fo ig- norant in Arte betie moriendi ; which makes me fo fearful, that I know not how to be careful of not being found unprepared. Methinks I already hear that doleful faying, Ite imparata in fiaratum. My fole companions were now defpair and fear, for the King of fear is death ; and indeed there is no- thing abfolutely fearful, but what tends to death, and I am confident, the fear of death is worfe than the pains of death : for, fear of death kills us often, whereas death it felf can do it but once. Life would not be troubled with too much care, nor death with too much fear, becaufe fears be- tray, and cares diforder thofe fuccours which reafon would afford to both : and though fome fay, he is more forrowful than is neceffary, that is forrowful before there is neceffity ; yet that foul cannot be in a good condition, fo long as it fears to think of dying ; but did I not forrow now, and juftly fear that meffenger that muft bring me be- fore the Tribunal of Heaven, I fhould have too little time to wafh away fo many black fpots, ef- pecially having nothing but objects of terror and amazement before my eyes ; but I never needed have feared what I fhould fuffer when dead, if I had not deferved it whilft I lived. Life is not a- like to all men : To fuch a wicked wretch as 1 am, the beft had been, that I never had been, and the next befl were to live long ; in this condition, it was ill for me that I was born, worfe for me that I mufl die: for without unfeigned repentance, this dying life will bring me to a living death; where- as a good man is otherwife minded, he counts his Dd 402 TJie EngliJJi Rogue: Or, end the beft of his being, for that brings him to the fruition of his hope : could death end mifery, it fhould be the greatefl happinefs I would wifh: but my confcience will not let me lye, for I fear the end of my prefent miferies will be but the beginning of worfe ; yea, fuch as death it felf cannot terminate. Now came into my mind the confideration of Eternity : and with it, I remem- bred how it was reprefented by the Ancients, which very much helpt my prefent Contempla- tion ; which was thus : A vaft Den full of horror, round about which a Serpent winds it felf, and in the winding bites it felf by the tail. At the right- hand of this Den, ftands a young man of a moft beautiful and pleafant countenance, holding in his right-hand a Bow and two Arrows, and in his left an Harp. In the entrance fits an old man op- pofite, and having his eyes very intent on his Ta- ble-book, writes according to the dilations of the young man ftanding by. At the left-hand of this Den, fits a grave Matron gray-headed, and having her eyes always bufied. At the mouth here- of, are four flairs afcending by degrees ; the firfl is of iron, the fecond of brafs, the third of filver, and the laft of Gold : On thefe are little children fport- ing up and down, playing, fearlefs, and inappre- henfive of falling. The fight of this Emblem of Eternity inculcated into my thoughts this inter- pretation : The Den, which was bottomlefs, fig- nified to me the incomprehenfibility of Eternity ; the circumferating Serpent, Time ; the young man. Nature : on Earth and Hell are her arrows faftned ; but in Heaven there is the Harp, fulnefs of joy, and pleafures inexpreflible : The old man rr^V/y Extravagant. 403 I lookt upon to be Fate ; the grave Matron, Pro- vidence ; the Stairs, diftinft Times and Ages ; the Children running up and down the Stairs without fear of danger, do fignifie fooHfh Man and Wo- man, who regardlefs of their falvation, fport and play with it fo long, till they flipt into Eter- nity. So have I been carelefs of that which fliould have been my greateft care, though I knew (but would not know) that the leaft and lighteft touch of death were fufficient, in a moment to tran- flate me from Time to Eternity. Were we all to hve a thoufand years (whereas the Executioner is to put a period to my life in one day longer) we fhould before we had ran half our courfe, in our very non-age, apply our felves to repentance and newnels of life. Now, now is the time, every hour, every moment : now one part of an hour (as I am informed, to my great comfort) may ob- tain pardon here, which all Eternity cannot hereafter. Therefore, let this now be my time (this one day I have left me) to cancel my debts and trefpaffes againft Heaven, which 1 can never do in Hell-fire, in all the years and times to come hereafter. Let fuch who have liv'd (as I) in all manner of wickednefs, confider what Eternity is, which may make them return like the penitent Prodigal. What then is Eternity } It is a Circle running back into it felf, whofe center is every where, and circumference no where, that is to fay, infinite : It is an Orb that hath neither beginning nor ending: Or it is a Wheel, Volvitur & volvetiir in onine volubilis cvum. A Wheel that turns, a Wheel that turned ever : A Wheel that turns, and will leave turning never. Dd 2 404 The EngliJJi Rogue : Or, Eternity is like a year, continually wheeling a- bout, which returns again to the fame point from whence it began, and ftill wheels about a- gain. It is an ever-running Fountain, whither the waters after many turnings flow back again, that they may always flow. It is a bottomlefs pit, whofe revolutions are endlefs. It may be compa- red to a fnake bowed back unto it felf orbicularly, holding its tail in its mouth ; which in its end doth again begin, and never ceafeth to begin. What is Eternity.'* It is a duration always prefent ; it is one perpetual day, which is not divided into that which is pafl, and that which is to come : Or, it is an age of ages, never expiring, and never changing : Or, more properly, it is a beginning continuing, never ending, always beginning, in which the bleffed always begin a bleffed life, in which the damned always die, and after all death and ftrugling therewith, always begin a- gain to die. As Hell-torments are eternal, fo will the confcience be perpetually tormented with deep and horrid defpair for the life pafl : Their worm fhall not die. The Poets of old alluded to this place notably, in that Fiftion or Fable of Tytius, whom Virgil feigneth, that a flying Vulture every day gnaws and tears his Liver, which is every night again repaired and made up, that every day the Vulture may have more mat- ter to prey upon. What is this Vulture, but the worm I fpeak of ? and what is his Liver, but the confcience always gnawn and tormented .-* Not only this (as he that preacht my Funeral-Sermon told me) but all the torments of the damned fhall never have end, becaufe there can be no place Witty Extravagant 405 for fatisfaflion : For although thefe inexpreffi- ble torments fhall continue many millions of years ; yet fhall there not one hour, no, nor one minute of refpite be granted : Let us then be no longer forgetful of our felves, and fo degenerate into beafts, but ferioufly to confider our end, and what fhall come after. All men are in the way of Eternity, but I am now almoft at my journeys end: I fit on the Stairs of Eternity, expelling when one fmall thruft fliall plunge me into the bottomlefs pit, where one hours punifhment fhall be more grievous {ai^T/iomas aKenipis faith) then 100 years here in the bittereft of torments : There they are tortured for infinite millions of ages, & are fo far from finding an end, as never to be able to hope for any end. The confideration of thefe things brought me to that pafs, as I was content to fuffer any thing in this life, fo that I might not fuffer in the life to come. Though a King, I fhould willing- ly and patiently have endured what Androniciis did, Emperour of the Eaft ; who (as Hiflory re- lates) being overcome and taken prifoner by Ifaac Angela, had immediately two great chains of iron put about his neck ; and being laden with fetters, was brought before Ifaac, who de- livered him over to the rage of the multitude, to be abufed at their pleafure. This rabble being in- cenft and flimulated on by revenge, fome buffeted him, fome baftinado'd him, others pulled him by the beard, twitching the hair from his head, dafhing out his teeth, dragging him in publick through the ftreets : the infolence of women was fuch, as to fall upon him, leaving the marks of their nails in his Imperial face. After all this^ 406 The E}igliJJi Rogue ; Or, they cut off his right-hand : thus maimed and bruifed, he was thrown into the Dungeon of Thieves and Robbers, without either attendance, or the leaft thing neceffary to fuftain life : Some few days being paft, they put out one of his eyes : thus mangled, they put upon him an old rotten fliort coat, fliav'd his head, fet him upon a fcabbed Camel, with his face towards the Tail, put on his head a crown of Garlick, made him hold in his hand the Camels Tail inftead of a Scepter, and fo they carried him through the Market-place very leifurely, with great pomp&triumph. Here did the mofl impudent crew, and bafe among the people, like Tygers, after an inhumane manner fall upon him, not confidering in the leaft, that not three days before he was no lefs then an Emperour, crowned with a royal Diadem, whofe frowns were inevitable death, was honoured, yea, adored of all men. Their rage and madnefs fitted every one with inftruments to execute their revenge : Some ftruck him on the head with fticks, others filled his noftrils with dirt, others fqueezed fpunges upon his face foaked in humane and beaftial excrements : fome threw ftones, others dirt at him. An impudent woman as he paft, came running out with fcalding water in her hand, and poured it on his head. All thefe indignities which they exercifed upon this poor Emperor, did not fatisfie their infatiate revenge, but bringing him to the Theatre, took him down from the Camel, and hung him up by the heels: yet did he behave himfelf like a man, by bearing patiently what was inflicted upon him, being never heard to cry out againft the cruelty of his fate. All that he was IViUjf Extravagant. /[oy heard to fay, was this, which he often repeated, Dominc inifcrere, Dominc viifcrere. Thus hanging up, one would have thought their malice fhould have ceafed ; but they fpared him not as long as he lived ; for pulling his Coat from his body, they tore him with their nails. One more cruel then the reft, ran his Sword through his bowels as he was hanging: Two others, to try whofe Sword was fliarpeft, cut him and gafht him in fe- veral places ; and fo ended his life mifcrably, but was not fuffcred to be buried. Oh, that my con- dition were as Andronicus, to fufter all that man can lay upon me, that I might not perifli for e- ver ! I fhould be content to be miferable for fo fhort a time, that I may not be miferable to all Eternity. Queftionlefs he could never have fuf- fered fuch things fo conftantly and couragioufly, but that he had Eternity in his thoughts ; and were our minds imployed about the fame fub- je(5l, any adverfity or affliftion we fhould more eafily bear. From the time of my condemnation till Monday morning I flept not, neither did I eat or drink : then did I hear my pafling-bell (having heard the day before my Funeral-Ser- mon) every ftroke methought carried my foul one degree higher, being confident I had made my peace above. Whilft I was in the depth of Medita- tion, and my foul breathing out this iliort ejacu- lation. 408 The Englijh Rogue : Or, Is there no hope now of Relief, In this Extremity ? Mercy ire now hathfavd a Thief A nd may do as much for me. Behold, a friend came to me (that never vifited me during my imprifonment) but now in the time of need brought me a Reprieve ; when I lookt thereon at firft, I could not believe my own eyes; I thought I dreamt, or that grief had fo diftra6led me, as that I imagined things that are not. My friend at length cleer'd up my doubts ; but I fhall tell you this for a truth, I knew not whether I were bell accept of this felf-preferving courtefie ; For, methought I had fo well fettled my eternal concerns, as that I had nothing elfe to do but die. About a fortnight after, I was fent aboard, in order to my tranfportation ; my fentenceof Death being converted into a feven years banilhment. WtUjf Extravagant. 409 CHAP. LXVI. Being on Board he defcants on his enftnng mifery ; yet draws comfort to him/elf from the fttfferiugs of others. He relateth hoiv he %vas freed from his intended banifJiment by a double Shipwrack; the manner thereof he amply declareth. THe Shipthatwasto tranfportme lay at Wol- lidge: about the latter end of Aug. 1650. I was conveyed aboard a lufty Ship, a Virginia-Mercha.nt- man, and was inftantly clapt under hatches ; but I knew they would quickly call me aloft, if there was any fighting work ; as fuch a thing might eafily be, fince the Sea was no where free from fuch as would make a prize of what Veffels were too weak to con- tend with them. Having pen, ink, and paper about me, I bufied my thoughts and pen in con- triving confolation for my difquicted and difcon- folate mind, thus : Why fhould not I with patience fuffer ? fome Have kifl what brought them to their Martyrdom. Many a Saint hath fuffer' d on a Crofs ; A nd our good King endttr'd three Kingdoms lofs. Shall I (fool) then at any crofs take grief ? Tyburn's the way to heaven for tnany a Thief. But mufl I now to Sea ? well, 'tis no matter ; Fortune now frowns, though heretofore did flatter. Let not my foul defpond, Jtnce 'tis my hap, rilfcorn that Whore, and trufl to Thetis lap : 4IO TJie EngliJJi Rogue. Or, Jhoughjhe may foam zvith anger, and the wiJid May aggravate her pajfiott, I vtay find Her calm again, and Jet 7ne on that JJiore, Where I may Moor, a7id put to fea no more. Neptune may Jltake his Trident, and each wave. Or tumbling billow 7nay become my grave. A thundririg Cannon may pronounce my death. Or a fniatl Jhot bereave me of my breath : All which may throng together in fill crowds, To make ma winding-fheet of tatter'd fhrowds. The winds fJiall fing my requiem, and my knell S/tall be a peal of Ordnance, they fliall tell My angry fates Pm dead, and the Sea mujl Ititomb zuithout the form of duft to duft. But I hope better things, and do believe. My good events will make the furies grieve. About the beginning of September following, we fet fail for the Downs. As foon as we had weighed Anchor, a thick melancholy cloud encompaffed my thoughts, and fo much fadnefs feized my fpi- rits, as if I had been not fo much taking my leave of my dearly beloved Country, as leaving the world. Though my foul could not forefee the leaft danger, nor be troubled at the apprehenfion of what flavery I was to undergo in my exilement ; yet certainlyl found this ftrange anguifh and pro- paflion to be ominous, proceeding from fome- thing divine, which is able to unriddle the Apo- crypha of nature, and made my foul fenfible of fome approaching mifchief Having been about 5 days at Sea, one morning, juft as the Sun began to gild our Hemifphere with his Golden rays, the Boatfwain made us all turn out, & commanded all I Viity Extravagant. 4 1 1 hands upon deck : coming aloft, I could not fee a man in whofe face there was not written the pale charafters of fear and amazement ; which were the infallible marks of fome fudden and enfuing dan- ger Upon my firft coming on board, I could dil- cern a great many red nos'd fellows (a drunkards trueft indicium) but the apprehenfion oi prefent danger had now extinguifht all thofe flaming tor- ches of their faces, without the help of water: The faces indeed of the ftouteft amongft us, were fo altered by this affrightment, that we knew not al- moft one another; lofingour natural complexions through the extremity of paflion. One was at his prayers, that never till then knew what a prayer was; another (hedding of briny tears, to make room for more fait waters: for my own part, I found my felf not much moved, having lately made my felf acquainted with death. By this time I under- ftood what had paft ; that is, our Ship had fprung a leak, and was ready to fink. Seeing every man in that pofture, and that there required means as well as prayers for our prefervation ; Come (laid 1) Gentlemen, let us not thus cry out, and never lend our affifting hand ; let us to the pump, and let every one be imployed in this grand concern. Whereupon we all unanimoufly fell to work : but as it is ufual in fuch extreams, we were all bufie about doing of nothing: what we began we left im- pcrfea and fell to another, and fo perfefted no- thing to our fafety. Some were fent down into the Hold, who quickly returned to us with the fymp- toms of death in their countenances ; for they all with hefitations and quivering of tongue, with words abruptly or half fpoken, fignified to us, that our Ships wound was incurable, that the leak 412 The EngliJJi Rogue'. Or, could not be ftopt, but that we mufl inevitably perifh within fome minutes. Thefewordsl received as from a Deaths-head, which I never heard fpeak before ; and truly his very looks would have fufifi- ciently declared what meffage he was about to de- liver, viz. ruine and immediate deftru6lion. Our inexprefTible fears bereaved us of the power of counfelling one another ; neither did we know what was beft to be done. Our Mafter commanded our Long-boat to be caft out, and withal, ordered fome eight Guns to be fir'd, which methought re- fembled fo many toles of my P affing-bell, when I was defign'd to pafs by St. Sepulchres Church in a Cart, guarded by fellows whofe vifages were the true refemblance of the Saracens-head on Snow- hill, for terror, horror, and mercilefs proceeding ; as to all which, thefe Cannibals will outvie that in- humane and bloody Nation. Every man indea- voured to fhift for himfelf, and I amongft the reft (being loath to be drowned alone) leapt fhort of the boat, and fell into the Sea in Charontis Cyniba; but necefTity then forcing me to ufe treble dili- gence to recover my felf, with much difficulty I got into the boat : I was no fooner there, but an- other leapt down upon me, and had like to have beaten the reft of my breath out of my body : which I took kindly enough: for I would have been content to have born them all on my back, nay, boat and all,.fo that I might have efcaped with life. We were conftrained to leave many of our friends behind us, and committed our felves to the Sea, driving us we knew not whither. Now were all our hopes dafJied, as well as our felves, by the waves ; for we were almoft in defpair of humane help : for we were left in the wide Ocean, which did not at IViUjf Extravagant. 413 that time wear a fmooth brow, but contending with the wind, fwell'd into prodigious mountains, which every moment threatned our overwhelming. How could we expe6t fafety in an open Shaloup, when fo ftately a Caftle of wood, which we but now loft, could not defend it felf, nor preferve us from the infolency of the imperious waves? We were many leagues from any fhore, having neither Compafs to guide us, nor provifion to fuftain us, being as well ftarv'd with cold as hunger. Several bags of mony we had with us ; but what good could that do us, where there is no exchange } We could nei- ther eat nor drink it ; neither would it keep us warm, nor purchafe our deliverance. Therefore we may juftlyefteem of money in its own nature, asan impotent creature, a very cripple, inutile pondus, an ufelefs burden. I could not now imagine anything could preferve us, lefs than a miracle : and as we were all fmful creatures, efpecially my felf, we could not expeft that nature fhould go out of her ordinary way to fave us. The waves indeed carried us up to Heaven, Jam jam taSluros Jidera fumma putes. Neptune fure at this time was very gamefome, for he play'd at Tennis with us poor mortals, mak- ing a wave his Racket to bandie us up and down like Balls: Sometimes he feem'd fo proud and Z*?//;/, being raifed fo high, as if he had been about to/cale Heaven ; which the incenfed Deity perceiving, feemed again to throw us down headlong to Hell, for too much ambition & prefumption: yet I could not fee, but that the extremity of our condition 414 The Englifh Rogue'. Or, pleaded for us, crying aloud for pity and compaf- fion, I was now filent, committing my felf into the hands of providence ; yet verily believing, that the inverfion of the old Proverb appertained to me, that being not born to be hang'd, I fliould be drown'd. Commonly we are not fo much mov'd with a clamourous and importunate beggar, who hunts after our Alms with open mouth, and makes Hue and Cry after our Charity (as if we had rob'd him who begs of us) as with the filence of impo- tent and difeafed Lazards: their fores fpeak loud- eft to our affe6lions ; Quot vtUnera, tot ora ; each wound is a gaping mouth ftrenuoufly imploring mercy ; the fight whereof, cannot but melt the moft obdurate fpeclator into a charitable compaffi- on. This was our cafe, our mifery was louder than our prayers, and our deplorable condition, certainly was more prevalent then our imperfeft devotions. In this moment of death, when we were without the leaft expe6lation of any deliverance, the wind chopt about, and drove back one Ship that had over-run us: this was unqueftionably Z^z^zV/zj- Z^t'z. This Ship made towards us, and we, what in us lay, towards it : The wind blew hard, and the in- fulting Sea, that will not admit of pity, rofe high upon us : fo that we were forced to lave the water out of the boat with our hats. It was my chance to fit on the weather fide ; fain would I have exchanged my place, but fuch comple- ments are ufelefs in a ftorm ; fo that I was con- ftrained to endure patiently the indignation of my raging enemy. But now began another defpair ; for with all our endeavours we could not reacli the Ship, nor fhe us, although fhe hung on the Lee to retard her courfe. Thus our pregnant hopes WiUy Extravagant. 415 brought forth nothing but wind and water (for the Ship rode on furioufly before the wind, and we came after in purfuit of her, as flowly as if an hedg-hog had been running with a Race-horfe ;) fo that we which before flattered our felves with an affurance of fafety, were as much confounded with a certainty of perifhing. In my opinion it is better to have no hopes at all, than be difap- pointedinthem: doubtlefs it did redouble the pun- ifliment of Tantalus, to touch what he could not tafte. That Mariner, who feeing a fatal neceflity for it, is contented to die in a tempefl, would be exceedingly troubled toperifhin a Haven, In Portu perire. In this very condition were we, having a Ship near us, but could not board her for ftrefs of weather ; fo that ruine attended us, though all the while we lookt fafety in the face. Now did it grow dark, whereby we could not fee which way to row: though this was an evil in its own nature, yet ac- cidentally it became our benefit: for not feeing our danger, we underftood it not ; but redoubling our flrength, we brake through the waves, and by the affiftance of a light, which was in the Ship, we dire6led our courfe truly ; and now did we find we were very near her. As foon as we toucht her on the Lee-fide, the Sea-men, with the refl in the boat, being more dexterous in the art of climb- ing than my felf, never regarding their exil'd Pri- foner (whom they ought to have taken charge of) got all up into the Ship in a moment, leaving me alone in the boat. By good hap they threw me out a Cope, which once had like to have deprived me of my life, but was now the preferver : which I held faft, to keep the Boat from ftaving off. Our Boat was half full of water, and the waves 4i6 TJie EngUJJi Rogiie ; Or, dafht it foviolentlyagainft the Ship-fide, that every fuch ftroke ftruck me down, fo that I had like to have been drowned (and did much fear it) in that epitome of the Sea. It would have vexed a man in my condition, to efcape by fwimming over a large River, and coming afliore,tobe drowned in a wafh- bowle. At lafl with much difficulty I got aboard too. The Mafter, Merchants, &c. having fav'd their lives (even miraculoufly) one would have thought they fhould not have been fo penfive as they were for the lofs of their goods. Thofe which loft much took it very heavily ; thofe which loft lefs, their afifli6lion was greater, having loft all : I was the moft glad, joy riding in triumph in my chearful countenance, having loft nothing, neither could I any thing, but my life. Having efcapt fo miracu- loufly, it was unchriftian-like to murmur at any lofs ; and as ridiculous, as if a man being reftored to life, fhould complain that his winding-fheet had fuftained fome damage by lying in the grave. The Ship wherein we were, was bound for the Canaries, the wind blowing very faire for that coaft. The fecond night after our deliverance, about ten a'clock, having fet our Watch, we laid our felves down to reft, with the thoughts of much fafety and fecurity, but it was otherwife decreed ; for about one a'clock we were forced to ufe all hands aloft, a moft terrible ftorm beginning to arife, and the wind blew fo furioufly, that before morning we loft our Bow-fprit and Mizon : we durft not bear the leaft fayl, but let the Ship drive whither the winde and waves pleafed ; and before the next night, we could not indure our remain- ing Mafts ftanding, but were neceftitated to cut them by the board. Thus we were tumbled up Wtffy Extravagant. 417 and down for four days, and as many nights, con- tending with the waves in a Pitcht-battel, not knowing where we were, till our Ship ftruck fo violently againft a Rock, that the horrid noife thereof would have even made a dead man ftar- tle ; to which, add the hideous cries of the Sea- men, bearing a part with the whiftling winds and roaring Sea; all which together, feemed to me to be the trueft Reprefentation of the Day of Judge- ment. The Ship ftuck faft fo long between two Rocks, as that we had time enough, all of us, to leap out ; the only means left us for our fafety. We all got upon Rock, and the Morning-flar having drawn the Curtain of the night, we found that we were a very little diftance from the fliore; getting thereon, and ranging to and fro, we at laft efpied a fmall houfe, the fight whereof made us dire6l our foot-fteps thither, fleering our courfe folely by the compafs of our eyes : being come to the houfe, the Mafter thereof flood at the door ; we addreft our felves to him in Englijh, but his replications were in SpaniJh^yfAsxch. we underftood not : wherefore I fpake to him in Latine, in which language he anfwered me, Tarn compte, tamprompte, both quaintly and readily. In that tongue I made a fhift to tell him the fad Iliades of our misfor- tunes. This noble Spaniard underftood it better by our looks, than my relations ; which made fuch a deep imprefTion in his foul, that his gravity could not forbear the fhedding of fome few tears, fo that one would have thought he fufifered Ship- wrack as well as we. He defired us to come into his houfe, and refrefli our felves : what little meat he had, ftew'd in a horfe-load of herbs, with fome pottage onely feafoned by a piece of E e 4i8 The Englijfi Rogue: Or, Bacon, that had ferv'd for that purpofe at leaft a dozen times) he ordered to be fet before us ; being no ways fparing of his wine, better than any I ever yet could tafte in Taverns ; this good man being not acquainted with dajhings, dulcifyings, &c. Seeing us eat fo heartily, he caufed another difh to be provided, which was compofed of fuch variety of creatures, that I thought he had ferved us inas a Mejs, the fir fl Chapter of Genefi,s : ThxsOla-podrida was fo cookf, that the diflinftion of each creature wdLsfauc'd out of our knowledge. Having fatis- fied our hungry ftomachs, he difmift all excepting my felf, defiring me to accept of what kindnefs he could do me, for he confeft he took much plea- fure in my fociety and difcourfe. I was very well contented to entertain his proffer : in fome few days he told me he was to go to Sea, being Cap- tain of a Veffel that lay in Perimbana, a fmall Sea- faring Town near the place of our Shipwrack ; and asking me whether I would go with him to the Indies (whither he was bound) I readily confented, and in fome few days after we did fail from thence, to perfe6l our intended Voyage. Witty Extravagant. 419 CHAP. LXVII. Fro7n V^nvohdindi, a f mall maritime TownontheS^dL- nifh coajl, lie fets fail with Captain Ferdinando N i.2S.Q;}x^zbound to t/ie'EaiR-lndies; dut dytAewqy meets with three Turkijh Galleys, and by them, is taken, miferably abufed, and imprifoned. AN hour before day we left the Port, and failed along the coaft before the wind ; about noon we difcernedthreeveffels, whereupon we gave them chafe: in lefs than two hours we got up to them, and then we could eafily perceive that they were Turkifh Galleys; whereof we were no fooner affu- red, but we betook ourfelves to flight, making to Land with all fpeed pofTible, to avoid the danger that inevitably threatned us. The Turks under- ftanding our defign, prefently hoifted up all their fails, and having the wind favourable, bore up to us fo clofe, & getting within a fmall Faulcon-fhot of us, they difcharged their Ordnance on us, where- with they killed eight of our men, and wounded as many more ; and fo battered our Ship befide, that we were forced to throw a great quantity of our lading over-board. The Turks in the mean while loft no time, but grappled us ; we on the other fide, who were able to fight, knowing that on our va- lour and undaunted courage depended our lives, or lofs of liberty, with perpetual flavery, refolved to fight it out. With this determination we board- ed their Admiral, doing very eminent execu- 420 The Englijh Rogue: Or, tion ; but being over-powred with numbers, we were fo overpreft & wearied, that we defifted from making any further refiftance : For, of 35 men we had at firft, we had only remaining ten, whereof two died the next day, whom the Turks caufed to be cut in pieces or quarters, which they hung at the end of their Main-yard for a fign of Vilory. Being taken, we were carried by them to a Town called Mocaa, and received by the Governor and Inhabitants, who expefted and waited the coming of thefe Pirates. In the company was likewife one of the chiefeft Sacerdotal dignity ; and becaufe he had been a little before in Pilgrimage at the Tem- ple of their Prophet Mahomet in Meca, he was honoured and efteemed by all the people as a very holy man. This Mahometan Impoftor rid in a triumphant Chariot up and down the Town, co- vered all over with fdk Tapiftry, and with a deal of ceremonious fopperies, beftowed on the people his benedi6lion as he paffedalong, exhorting them to return hearty thanks to their great Prophet for this Vi6lory obtained over us. The Inhabitants hearing that we were Chriftians taken Captives, flockt about us ; and being exceedingly tranfported with choler, fell to beating of us in that cruel manner, that I thought it a vain thing to hope to efcape alive out of their hands ; and all this, be- caufe we owned the names of Chriftians. When I was in England, I juftly was fentenced to die for my villany, and now here only for the bare pro- feflion of Chriflianity, I muft not be fuffered to live. The wicked Cacis (as they called him) infti- gated them on to thofe outrages they committed ; who made them believe, that the worfe they dealt with us, the more favour and mercy they Witfy Extravagant 421 fhould receive from Mahomet hereafter. We were chained all together, and in that manner were we led in triumph; and as we pafl along, we had our heads wafht with womens Rofe-water, throwne down upon us from Balconies, with other filth, in derifion and contempt of the name of Chriftian ; wherein everyone ftrived to be moft forward, be- ing inftigated thereunto by their Priefb. My fuffer- ings then, put me in mind of my former wifhes, to be as unfortunate Androjticiis, miferably afflifted here, that I might efcape eternal torments here- after: I received in part the effe6l of my quondam wifhes, no ways acceptable to my prefent defires. Having tyred themfelves in tormenting us till the evening, bound as we were, they clapt us into the Dungeon, where we remained 21 days expofed to all kind of mifery, having no other provifion al- lowed us, than a little Oat-meal or Rice and water, which was diftributed to us every morning, what fhould ferve us for that whole day : for variety fake, we had fometimes a fmall quantity of Peafe foak'd in water. 422 The Englijh Rogue : Or, CHAP. LXVIII. He is brought forth into tJte Market-place^ and there put to f ale; he is bought by a Jew (a mijerable avaricious man) and by a Jiratagem he delivers him/elf from t/iat Mafler, is fold to a Graecian, in heart a Chriflian: the Ship being taken^ and his Mafier drowned, he efcaping to fhore by fwitnming, is at his own liberty. IN the morning the Gaoler repairingto us, found two of our miferable companions dead, by rea- fon of their wounds, which were many, and not lookt into. This made him hafte to the Guazil or Judge, to acquaint him of what had hapned ; who upon information given, came to the prifon in perfon, attended with Officers and other people: where having caufed their irons to be ftruck off, he ordered their bodies to be dragged through the Town, and fo caft in the Sea. We that remained were chained altogether, and fo led out of prifon unto the common place of fale, to be fold to him that fhould give moft. By reafon of my ftrength (which thofe that lookt on might argue, from the ftreightnefs and firmnefs of my limbs, being eleva- ted by the Pole above a common or middle ftature) I was firft bought by one, whom at the firft fight, I could not well tell whether he was Man or Devil; for his complexion was of the fame colour as the Devil is ufually rendred : to fay all in fhort, he was a Jew. He carried me home to his houfe, where I no fooner arrived, but he markt me for his own : Witty Extravagant. 423 My employment was conftantly to turn a hand- mill; if I refted at any time, though ever fo Httle, the punifhment he infli6led on me was, three or four blows on either the belly, or foles of my feet ; which were doubled or trebled according as he judged of my ofifence : my diet was fuch as only ferved to keep me alive. In general, he ufed me fo cruelly, that becoming defperate, I once thought it better refolutely to cut the thread of my life, than fpin it out longer in fo much wretchednefs and mifery. Revenge too induc'd me to the un- dertaking of this attempt, as knowing him to be the moft covetous wretch living, and therefore would even hang himfelf when he (hould lofe what he payed for me : but confidering my felf, I made choice of a better expedient, which was to pretend (what I intended not) to kill my felf : I made choice of fuch a time, when I was fure fome one or other was fet to watch me ; who perceiving that I was about to deftroy my felf, rufht in and prevented me, and went forthwith to inform my Mafter of what he had feen ; advifmg him withall to fell me out of hand, otherwife he would infal- libly be a lofer by me. My Mafter taking notice of my countenance and behaviour, refolved to put his friends counfel in pra6life; and fo fold me to another, who fortunately proved a Greek, that in fhew was Mahometan, but cordially a Chriftian. Once more was I delivered from miferies that are hardly to be endured, and was imbarqued with my new Mafter in a Ship bound for Xkv^EaJi- Indies. In the courfe that we held, we fail'd with fo profper- ous a gale, that in a very fhort time we arrived in view of the Fort of Diu ; but feeing feveral veffels lying before that Fort, firing againft it in an hoftile 424 The Eiiglijh Rogue: Or, manner we fhaped our courfe to Goa, where we ar- rived in fafety. From hence we fayled unto the Ri- ver Lugor: juft as we were entring its Mouth, we faw a great Junk coming upon us, which perceiv- ing us to be few in number, and our Veffel but fmall, fell clofe with our prow on the Larboard- fide, and then thofe that were in her, threw in to us great Cramp-irons faftned unto two long chains, wherewith they grappled us fafl unto them ; which they had no fooner done, but incontinently fome 70 or 80 Mahometans ftarted out from under the Hatches, that till then had lain lurking there; and pouring out their fmall-fhot upon us, clapt us aboard in an inftant. Thofe that knew what it was to be a flave to the mercilef* Turks, leapt into the Sea, whereof I was one: we were not far from land, fo that it was not long before I got fafe to fhore; it was my Maflers misfortune (and truly I think my unhappinefs, for he behaved himfelf to me as to one of his familiar friends) being wounded, and ignorant in fwimming, to be entomb'd in the deep. There were fome five or fix more that efcapt the danger of their enemies and the Sea, that wading up to the wafle in mud, landed in fafety; with thefe I hid my felf in the next adjacent Wood. There was hardly one of us but received fome hurt; and being now de- vefled of all hope of help, we could not forbear to unman ourfelves by weeping, complaining againfl our hard deftiny, that fhould in fo fhort a time bring us into fo fad a difafter. In this defolation we fpent the remaining tragical part of the day; but confidering with our felves, that the place was moorifh, and full of venemous creatures, we betook our felves to the Owse, fland- Wifty Extravagant. 425 ing therein up to the middle. The next morning, by- break of day, we went along by the River-fide, until we came to a little Channel, which we durft not pafs (not knowing its depth) for fear of Lizards, plenty whereof we had fight of therein; we wan- dred fo 'ong to avoid this and the Bogs covered with rufhes, which environed us about, till that we were forced to reft our felves, being fo weary and fo hungry, that we could not go one flep farther. In the morning awaking, four of our company lay dead, fo that there was only one remaining to bear me company: I now thought my condi- tion worfe than if I had hung at Tyburn, fur- rounded with a full Jury of fellow-fufferers ; my companion and I, with tears, fang the obfequies of our dead friends, expe6ling hourly our own diffolution; Their bodies we covered with a little earth, as well as we could; for we were then fo feeble, that we could hardly ftir, nay, nor fpeak. In this place we refted ourfelves, intending to bear our friends company to their eternal reft. Some four hours after this our refolution, about Sun-fet, we efpied a Barque rowing up the River: coming near us we hailed her, and proftrating our felves on the ground, befeeched thofe that were in her to receive us on board. Amazed to fee us in that pofture on our bended knees, and hands lifted up to Heaven, they ftopt: our cries for fuc- cour reacht their eares, which obtained commi- feration from their hearts; fo taking us in, they carried us with them to Ltigor, where about Noon next day we landed. The people are fearful black like the Devil, whom they fuperftitioufly worfhip, in the form of a bloody Dragon; They have many Idols amongft them, which they hold 426 T}ie EngliJJi Rogue ; Oi*, in great efteem, as a Ram- goat, a Bat, an Owl, a Snake, or Dog, to whom they ceremonioufly bow or kneel, groveling upon the earth, and throwing duft on their faces ; they offer Rice, Roots, Herbs, and the like, which is devoured by the Witches; thefe devillifh creatures being both feared and efteemed by the Savages. The female fex, againft the appearance of the new-Moon, affemble upon a Mountain, where turning up their bare bums, they contemptuoufly defie the Queen of Heaven, who hath this defpight fhewn her, be- caufe they fuppofe her the caufer of their monthly courfes. They are much given to novelties, amongft which dogs are of very great value with them: Infomuch, that whilft I was there, I faw fix flaves exchanged for one European Cur. They abound with the choiceft of natures bleflings, as health, flrength, and wealth, but are very inhu- mane and uncivil ; for they delight much to feed on mans flefh, eating it with more fatisfa6lion than any other food. Upon my firft arrival, I did not rightly underftand their meaning by feeling my flefh, but when I was informed, that like Butchers, they felt my flank to know how fat I was, they never toucht me afterwards with their fingers, but I fancied my felf either boiled or roafted, and that their hands, my bearers, were conveying me to the open Sepulchres of their mouths, to be entombed in the gut-rumbling Mo- nument of their bellies : whereas other Anthro- pophagi content their appetites with the flefh of their enemies, thefe covet mofl their friends, whom they imbowel with much greedinefs, fay- ing, they can no way better exprefs a true affec- tion, than to incorporate their deareft friends and WiU}f Extravagant. 427 relations into themfelves, as in love before, now in body, uniting two in one (in my opinion) l bloody fophiftry. It is a very truth, of which [ was an eye-witnefs, they have Shambles of men and womens flefh, joynted and cut into feveral pieces fit for drefling. It is ufual for fonie, either weary of life, or fo fick, they have no hopes of recovery, to proffer themfelves to thefe inhumane Butchers, who returning them thanks, diffe6l or cut them out into fmall parcels, and fo are fodden and eaten. It is a cuftom among them, when they would add to their beauties (deformity) to flafh their faces in feveral places. They adore thofe two glorious Planets, the Sun and Moon, believing they live in Matrimony, They are much addi6led to rapine and theevery, and they chufe to commit any viilany rather by day than night, becaufe they fuppofe thereby the Moon and Stars will never give teftimony againfl them. Their heads are long, and their hair curled, feem- ing rather wool than hair: Their ears are very long, being extended by ponderous bawbles they hang there, flretching the holes to a great capa- city. Both men and women hideoufly flafh their flefh in fundry forms; their brows, nofes, cheeks, arms, breafts, back, belly, thighs and legs, are pinkt, and cut in more admirable (than amiable) manner. They contemn apparel, and indeed, the heat of the Climate will not permit them to wear any ; very few have nothing on to cover their fe- crets. Moft have but one ftone, the other is forced away in their infancy, that Venus may not too much allure them from Martial exploits : wherefore the women take great delight in flran- gers. One of them fo ftrongly befieged my mo- 428 The Engli/h Rogue-. Or, defty, that more for fear than love, I yielded to her incontinency: I was difpleafed at nothing but the fight of her; for her flefh, no Velvet could be fofter. There are in this place great quantity of Lions, which in dark weather ufe great fubtility to catch and eat fome Savages : They again in the day-time dig pits, and cover- ing them with boughs, do train the couragious Lions thither, where they receive deftru6lion, eat- ing them to day, who perhaps were Sepulchres to their friends or parents the day before, I have feen thefe well-bred people defcend in a morning from the Mountains, adorned with the raw guts of Lions or other wild beafts, ferving for an hour or two for chains or neck-laces, and afterwards for their breakfaft; of which good chear, if I would not participate, I might faft for them: fo that my fqueami(h ftomack was forced to give entertainment to that unwelcome gueft, to keep ftarving out of doors. The Ship that brought us hither, was now ready to fet fail, being bound for Goa, the Mafter whereof was a Portugal, who un- derftood Latine and French very well, of which I was not ignorant: I addreft my felf to him in the French tongue, defiring him to accept of mine and my Comerades fervice ; which he con- defcended to with much willingnefs. At Goa we ftayed not long, but from thence pafling towards Surrat, a vehement and unexpected ftorm over- took us, for three days raging inceffantly, fo that thofe which were acquainted with thofe parts, very much feared an Hero-cane, a tempeft com- monly of thirty days continuance, and of fuch fury, that Ships, Trees, and Houfes perifh una- voidably in it: once in nine years, it feems, it WiUjf Extravagant, 429 fails not to vifit them. It chanc'd that my Co- merade being heedlefs and unexperienc'd in Sea- afifairs, was wafht off by a wave into the Sea, and fo was buried in the large & deep grave of the vaft Ocean ; a fure treafury for the refurre6lion. The foulnefs of the weather forc'd a jftmk-vddin of War, full of defperate Malabars, a bloody and warlike people, in view of us; but the Seas were too lofty for them to board us. After three watches, the Sea changed colour, and was calmer ; and by the fwimming of many fnakes about our Veffel, the Sea-men knew we were not far from Ihore, landing fhortly after fafely at Surrat, 430 The -Englifh Rogue: Or, CHAP. LXIX. From heiice he fet fail to Swalley-Road, and fo from thence coa/led till he arrived at Delyn a Town that belojigs to the Malabars.- he gives an account of what he there f aw and obferved. SOme two hours after we fet fail, we were becal- med, having not the leaft breeze of wind, the weather withal being exceeding hot and fultry: at length we arrived in Swalley-Road, where was riding an Engiifh Veffel ; there we caft anchor : the Engiifh men came aboard of us, whom our Captain welcomed with the befb of his entertain- ment. I could not forbear embracing my dear Country-men, fhewing them fo many demonftra- tions of joy, that by their looks, they feemed to queftion whether I was in my right wits. Their Mafters-mate calling me afide, askt me, how I came to be ingaged in this Veffel.? how long fmce I came from England} with many other queftions too tedious here to relate. To all which I gave him fuch fatisfaftory anfwers, that he feemed very well pleafed. I gave him a fummary relation of what I had fuffer'd, fmce my depar- ture from my own Country; the report whereof, feemed to extra6l much pity from him. In fine, I told him, I had a great defire to lee England again, and to that end defired him to make ufe of what intereft he could, to remove me into their Ship: he promifed he would; and accordingly giving a Prefent to our Captain, he fo far pre- Witty Extravagant. 431 vailed upon him to let me go, and perfwaded the chief of whom he was concerned withal, to enter- tain me, which they did with much willingnefs. I was fo like a Sea-man in this fhort time, that none could diftinguifh me from one that received his firft rocking in a Ship. I carried about me as deep an hoguo of Tarpawlin as the beft of them, & there was no term of art belonging to any part of the Ship or tackling, but what I underftood. I could drink water that flunk (as \{ Jlercus hu- manmn had been fteept two or three days in it) as well as any of them, and eat beef and Pork (that ftirred as if it had received a fecond life, and was crawling out of the platter to feek out the reft of his Members) I fay, I could devour it with as much greedinefs (fcorning that my appe- tite fhould be ever again taxed with any of thofe Epithets, either nice or fqueamifh) as if it had been but nine hours, inftead of nine Months, in fait. And to make me the more compleat, I had forgot to wafh either hands or face, or what the ufe of a comb or fhirt was, neither did I know how to undrefs my felf ; or if wet to the skin, to make ufe of any other means than my natural heat to dry my felf: I never lookt on a hat or band, but as Prodigies. But to return to my purpofe, where I left off. In three days time we fet fail for Swalley-Road, fleering our courfe from them, all along the coaft of India, Decan, and Malabar. I knew not whither they intended, nei- ther did I care now, as thinking my felf fafe, being amongft my friends: on the 20 of April, feven days from our weighing anchor in Swalley- Road, we c ame to an anchor at Delyn, a Town of the Malabars: We durft not land, the people 432 The Englijh Rogue : Or, being fo treacherous and bloody; yet we fuffered them to come aboard us in their fmall Canoos, felling us for any trifles, Coco-nuts, Jacks, Green- pepper, Indian-peafe, Hens, Eggs, and the like. They brought us likewife Oranges of fo pleafant a tafte, the rind vying with the juice, which fhall become mod grateful to the palate : We had like- wife from them Plantanes, a fruit fuppofed by fome, to be that which Eve was tempted withal ; if a man gathers them green, yet will they ripen afterwards, coloured with a dainty yellow : the rind or skin will peel off with much facility; they melt in the mouth, giving a moft delicious tafbe and relifh. Thefe Malabars are coal-black, well limb'd, their hair longand curled ; abouttheirheads theyonly tye a fmall piece of linnen,but abouttheir bodies nothing but a little cloth which covers their fecrets. Notwithftanding their cruelty & inhuma- nity, we man'd out our long-boat, and 15, where- of I was one, went afhore, carrying fome Muskets and Swords with us, fufpe6ling the worft: Land- ing, they fled from us, but not without fending good flore of poyfoned arrows & darts amongft us. It is no wonder that thefe people are fo black, for they live under the fcorching fire of the torrid Zone. We returned to our Ship, finding it no way fafe to flay here longer; next morning hoifting fail, we came to Canavar, where we met with people more civil; whereupon we landed; and receiving things from the inhabitants of con- fiderable value, for toys and trifles we gave them in lieu, we refolved to flay here a while. The better fort of thefe people are called Nairds, whofe heads are cover'd with a low tulipant, & their middles with a party-coloured Plad, refem- Witty Extravas^ant. 433 bling a Scotch Plad : The poorer fort have no- thing but a fmall vail over their privities, wholly- naked elfewhere; which veil or flap the women in courtefie will turn afide, and fhew a man their Pudenda, by way of gratitude for any courtefie received, as if they would render fatisfa6lion with that, which could never receive plenary fatisfac- tion it felf. They have a ftrange cuftom in their Marriages, obferved among them by the higheft to the lowefl: : who fo marrieth, is not to have the firft nights imbraces with his Bride, but is very well contented to beftow her Maiden-head on the Bramini, or Priefts, who do not always enjoy it, being glutted with fuch frequent offerings, and therefore will many times fell them to ftrangers. Such a proffer I had once made me, and with fhame I muft confefs, I did accept it, forgetting thofe facred vows I made in Newgate, to live a more pious, flrifl and fober life. The Bride that night, was plac'd in one of their Fanes, as is cuf- tomary, the Prieft or Bramin coming to her ; but inftead thereof, according to agreement between this Prieftly Paynim and my felf, I went: I won- dred to find her fo low of ftature, but I did not much matter it then, minding fomething elfe; which having performed, I departed. The next morning I had a great defire to fee her, but was amazed to fee her fo young, believing it impoffi- ble (though I knew the contrary) a child (for I may fo call her, being but feven years of age) could be capable of mans reception at that tender age. Afterwards, I was informed, it was ufual for them to marry fo foon : firft, being extream- ly falacious and leacherous, and as fit, nay, as prone to enjoy man at that age, as Europceans at F f 434 T^^i^ Etiglifh Rogue : Or, fourteen. Next, they extreamly honour Wedlock, infomuch, that if any of their children die whilft very young, they will hire fome Maiden to be married to him, and fo lie with him the night after his deceafe. So foon as we arrived (which is a cuftom they ufe to all ftrangers, of what Country foever) we had prefented us choice of many Virgins ; our Boat-fwain chufmg one he fancied for a fmall price, fhe guided him to a lodging, where if he would have flayed fo long, fhe would have performed his domeftick affairs, as well at board as bed, difcharging her duty very pun6lually: but he that undertakes any fuch thing, mufl be very wary that he be not vene- really familiar with any other woman, left that fhe with whom he hath contra6led himfelf for fuch a time, doth recompence his inconftancy with mortal poyfon. At his departure, her wages muft be paid to her Parents, who returns then with much joy, and they receive her with as much credit and oftentation. The chiefeft among them hold it a very great courtefie, if any one will fave them the labour, pain & trouble, by accepting the Hymeneal rites of his Bride. I fhould have told the Reader, that the Bramins are fo much refpec- ted and efteemed by the commonalty, that if any of them gets their wives or daughters with child, they believe that off-fpring to be much holier than their own, being extrafled from Pagan piety. Their Funerals they celebrate after this manner; Bringing the dead corps near to their Fanes or Churches, they confume it to afhes, by fire made of fweet fmelling wood, unto which they add coftly perfumes in Aromatick gums and fpices; If the wife only (for here they will not Witty Extravagant. 435 hear of Polygamy) caft not herfelf into the flames voluntarily, they look upon her to be fome com- mon proftitute, having not any thing commend- able in her natural difpofition; but if fhe freely commits her felf to the flames, with her husbands carcafe, fhe from that noble a6l (for fo it is eftee- med of among thefe infidels) derives to her me- mory, reputation and glory amongfl her furviving friends and kindred. They are deluded on to this refolution by their Bramins, who perfwade them by fo doing, they fliall enjoy variety of per- petual pleafures, in a place that is never diftur- bed by alteration of weather, wherein night is baniflit, there being a continual fpring; neither is there wanting any thing that fhall ravifti each individual fenfe. This was .at firft a ftratagem invented by fome long-headed Politician, to di- vert them from murdering their husbands (which they were frequently guilty of, by reafon of their extream leachery and infatiate venery) fo by that means they were reduced to that good order, as that they tender'd the prefervation of their hus- bands healths and lives equally with their own. For my part, I could wifh the like cufl:om en- joyn'd on all married Englifh females (for the love I bear to my own Country) which I am con- fident would prevent the deftru6lion of thoufands of well-meaning-Chriflians, which receive a full flop in the full career of their lives, either by cor- rupting their bodies by venemous medicaments adminifl:red by fome pretended Doctors hand (it may be her Stallion) unto which he is eafily perfwaded, by the good opinion he hath of his wifes great care and affeflion for him : or elfe his body is poyfoned by fucking or drawing in the 436 The Englijh Rogue : Or, contagious fumes which proceed from her conta- minated body, occafioned by ufmg pluralities for her venereal fatisfa6lion, and fo dies of the new Confumption. Or laftly, by pettifh and petulant behaviour, fhe wearieth him of his life, and at laft is willing to die, that he may be freed, not only from the clamorous noife of her tongue, but that the deri- fion of his neighbours, and fcandal that fhe hath brought upon him, may not reach his ears. That all fuch might be mindful of their duty, I would have (were it at my difpofmg) thefe two lines fixt as a Motto to their doors. A Couchant Cuckold, and a rampant Wife, Are Copulatives disjun6live all their life. IViffy Extravagant. 437 CHAP. LXX. From Delyn he failed to Zeyloon ; ivith what he there obferved. THe Ifle of Zeyloon is very famous, and not far diftant from the Point of India, called Cape Comrein ; it abounds with all forts of odoriferous and Aromatical Spices; the people are Pagans, not owning a Deity; fome though have heard of Chrift, and others of Mahomet, but fuch are rarely to be found. They go naked, not com- pelled thereunto by want or poverty, but meer heat of the Sun. They are great Idolaters, wor- fhipping things in monftrous fhapes. On the top of a high Mountain, they have fet confpicuoufly the Idaea of an horrible Caco-dcsmon, unto which Pilgrims from remote parts do refort; and upon this account, a King of Zeyloon coming, once derided this Idol: another time, intending to make a fecond repetition of his former derifion,the King was even frighted out of his wits; for not only he, but his attendants all faw how this Dcz- fnon threatned him for fo doing, by fhaking a flaming Cymeter, and rowling his fiery eyes: from his mouth gaping, iffued out fiery flames; whereat this King returns with as much penitence as amazement, refolving by his due refpe6l and worfhip for the time to come, to make an atone- ment for his former errors. For my part, had I not believed there was a Devil, the fight of this horrid monftrous reprefentation would have in- duc'd me into the belief that this was one really. They have in another place a Chappel, in which 43^ Tlie EngliJIt Rogue: Or, they adore the Devil (whom they call Deumo) the height whereof is about three yards, and unco- vered: the wooden entrance is engraven with hellifh fhapes; within, their beloved Devil or Deu- mo is enthronized on a brazen Mount: From his head iffue four great horns, his eyes of an indif- ferent proportionable bignefs, having fomewhat a larger circumference than two fawcers ; his nofe flat; a mouth like a portcullice, beautified with four tusks, like Elephants teeth; his hands like claws, and his feet not unlike a Monkeys; befide him ftand leffer Deumo'?. attending on this grand Pagod, fome whereof are reprefented or piftured devouring fouls. Every morning the Prieft wafheth them, not departing till he hath craved their maledi6lion ; and when he takes his leave, he is very careful of offending the Devil by fhew- ing his pofteriors, and therefore goes from him retrograde, ftedfaftly fixing his eyes on the Idol. 'Tis ftrange that a rational foul fhould be fo much infatuated, as to adore fuch a monftrous and ri- diculous thing. The people in way of mutual love and amity, ufe to exchange their wives; a thing, though much hated by the jealous Spaniard, yet would be very acceptable to other Europceans, or elfe to be rid of them altogether, who are the daily murderers of their content and quiet. Poly- gamy, or plurality of Wives is here permitted ; and as the men are granted the liberty to have more than one wife, fo are the women allowed more than one husband. However, the woman hath the difpofal left her of her children, giving them to him fhe hath the greateft affe6lion for; which he receives, not queftioning his intereft or right (by generation) unto the infant. Witty Extravagant. 439 Elfeivhere the Fates decreed a Cuckold's lot, To keep that child another man begot; And by his joy therein fie plainly fhows, He thanks tlie man that pay' d thofe debts he owes: But thefe She- Blacks injujiice tfiought it fit , That he tvhich got the child, likewife keep it: T Jure fore both love and cujiom made it fo, On the true FatJier they the child bejlow: By which good Law unto each man ^tis known, That lie doth keep no other child bufs own. Were this obferv'd in England, / dur/i/wear, Some\v\\dX-6!y&-\2ickswoidd Heirs toLordsappear; A nd half of whatfome own, mnfl be conferrd Onfuch who have a Fatliers name deferv'd. Thefe Blacks do tax our women, for they paint Tlie Devil white, and make himfeeni a Saint; To let them know, they are far greater evils; For faireft females oft arefoulejl Devils. We ftayed not long here, but having difpatcht what we came for, we failed along the coaft of Cho- romandel,dLVid landed at Meliapor. The people are much after the fame complexion of thofe of Delyn, only a littlemoreduskie,and go in a manner naked, too. Here are likewife great ftore oi Bramins, who are verybufie and induftrious to inftru6l thefe poor ignorant fouls in the perfeft way to damnation ; for which they have the honour and eftimation of all conferred upon them. We man'd out our long-boat and went afhore ; upon our landing, it was our hap to be eye-witneffes of one of their Funerals, which was performed after this manner. The husband was carried before the combuftible Pile; his moft dearly loving wife clofely following a'fter, attended by her Parents & children ; mufick (fuch as they have, 440 The Englijh Rogue \ Or, which I cannot compare to that of the Spheres) playing before, behind, and on each fide of her. She was dreft both neatly & fumptuoufly, to the height of the rudenefs of their art ; her head, neck, and arms (not omitting her nofe, legs, & toes) each bedeckt and charged with Bracelets of filver, with jewels every where about her diftributed : She carried flowers in her hands, which fhe dif- pofed of to thofe fhe met. The Priefts going backwards before her, fhewed her a magical glafs, which reprefented to her fight whatever might be pleafmg to her fenfual appetite. The Bramin all along inculcating to her thoughts, the fenfe- ravifhing and affable joys fhe fhall poffefs after her deceafe ; at which this poor deluded foul fmiled, and feemed to be much tranfported. We followed them till they came to the fire, which was made of fweet odoriferous wood. As foon as her dead husband was committed to the flames, fhe voluntarily leapt in after him, incorporating her felf with the fire and his afhes : we wondred that the ftanders-by would permit her thus to deftroy her felf, imagining this rafh a6lion proceeded from the ardency of her aff'eftion ; but perceiving her friends to throw in after her, jewels and many precious things, with much exultation and expref- fions of joy, we concluded this to be the effects of cufbom. Such as refufe to burn in this manner, are immediately fhaven, & are hourly in danger to be murdered by their own iffue or kindred, looking upon them as ftrumpets : and indeed many of them are fo audacioufly impudent, that upon the leafl diflafte, or not having their luxu- urious expe6lations anfwered, nothing more in- tended or indeavoured than the lives of their Wtify Extrava^ant. 441 husbands. They are in thefe parts fo extreamly idolatrous, and fo over-fwayed by the Devil, that they adore a great Idol made of Copper gilded, whofe ftatue is carried up and down, mounted on a glorious Charriot, with eight very large wheels overlayed with gold ; the afcent or fleps to the charriot are very large & capacious, on which fit the Priefts, attended by little young girles, who for devotion fake, proftitute themfelves freely to the heat of any libidinous fpe6lator ; for fo doing, they are intitled the Pagodes children : A very ftrange zeal in their bewitched or befotted Parents, to deftinate the off-fpring of their bodies, from their non-age, to fuch an abominable liberty ; for by letting them know the ufe of Man fo foon, it can- not but be very prejudicial to their bodies, but alfo invert: them with the thoughts of perpetual whoring: For, that woman that fhall admit of more than one to her private imbraces, will admit of any upon the like account. Nay, fuch is their blind zeal and fuperftition, that as the Charriot pafleth, fome will voluntarily throw themfelves under the wheels, who are cruflit in pieces by the weight of the Idol and its attendants, fuffering death without the benefit of a happy (but to them unhappy) Martyrdom. 442 The E^iglijh Rogue. Or, CHAP. LXXit From Zeyloon, he arrived at Syam ; and what tJure he Jaw and obferved. SYam is a Kingdom contiguous to Pegu, a part of the Eajl-Indies ; And, as the people are in- cluded within the burning Zone, therefore far from being fair ; yet are tall of flature, very ftrong and valiant, and generally fo ftrait, that few are found among them crooked. Formerly they were much given to Sodomy : to prevent which, 'twas wifely ordered, (though ftrangely) that the malesasfoonas born, fhould have a bell of gold (and in it a dry'd Adders tongue) put through the prepuce andflefh. When the defire of copulation ftimulates any of them, he prefents himfelf to fome expert Midwives, who advife him to drink Opium, or fome fuch fom- niferous potion ; which having done in their pre- fence, he falls afleep ; during which interval, they remove the ball, and apply to the orifice from whence it was taken, an unguent, which affords a fpeedy cure : then is he free to make ufe of fuch as his fancy leads him to. The young Girls are ferved in a worfe manner; for as foon as born, their Pu- denda is fowed up, and only a fmall foramen, or paffage left, as an aquadu6l : about eight or nine fhe is unftitcht ; & it is as great a rarity, to finde a pure Virgin here at ten years old, as to finde a Maid at fixteen, in moft places of France, or its neigh- bouring Countreys. And that thefe young leache- rous Fry maybe capable of that employment they are deftinated unto, they have potions given them IVttty Extravagant 443 to drink which have the efficacious power as to diflend their muliebria to fuch a capacity, as that (if their bells were not withdrawn) their males would finde too eafie an entrance. The women here (ftill the more to allure. the men from that deteftable & unnatural a6l oi Sodomy) go naked ; (as little a novelty in thefe parts, as for IrifJt and Scotch to wafh their cloaths with their feet, their coats, fmock and all tuckt up about their middles, though twenty men ftand by as (deriding) fpefta- tors) : I fay, they go naked to their middles, where the better fort are covered with a fine tranfparent Tafifata or dainty Lawn, which by a cunningdevice isfo made to open, that as they pafs along, the leaft air difcoversall, to all mens immodeft views. Their Prieft, which they call Tallapoi, are feeming very zealoufly fuperflitious : they fomewhat incline to Mahometanifm ; for they j>retend they will not drink wine, being forbidden it by their Law, yet are abominable hypocrites: for, though they wear afheep-skin with the wool thereon, not fufferingany hair to be on their bodies, and in fhew lead a chafte life, yet I found the contrary ; as you fhall under- ftand by what pafl between one of them and my felf. I being on fhore with our Ships crew, I chanc'd to walk abroad, carry ing with mea bottle of Spanijh- wine: As I entred into a Wood, intending not to adventure too far, there came to me one of thefe Tallapoi or Priefts, in the habit aforefaid, with a horn about his neck, refembling a Sowgelder's, but much lefs ; with which, I was told, they, with the found thereof, ufed to convene the people to hear them preach. This holy Infidel efpying me, bleft himfelf, (as I gueft by his gefture) & approaching near me, I imagined that he 444 The Englijh Rogue: Or, prayed for me, by the elevation of his eyes and hands : as a requital, I proffered him fome of my wine ; and having tafted thereof, lik'd it fo well, that by figns, I underftood he defired his horn full of me : to tell you the truth, I lik'd it fo well my felf, that I had no defire to part with one drop more of it ; but his importunities fo far prevailed, that I granted his requeft ; which ha- ving obtained, he made no more ado but drank it ofif,makingbutonegulp thereof; a thing contrary to the ftrilnefsofhisprofeflion. After this, he feemed to blefs me, and fo departed. It was but a little while, before he again prefented himfelf to my view ; and beckoning to me, I followed him ; coming clofe up to him, he pointed with his finger to a place, where covertly I efpy'd three Maidens (as I fuppofed) to whom he by figns perfwaded me to go. Sitting down amongfl them, they en- tertained me with as much civility as they were endued withall, and courted me after their amo- rous fafhion. One of thefe was the handfomefl that I had feen in thofe parts ; though not to be compared, for form of face, with the homelieft Kitchin-ftuff"- wench in London. I dallied with her fo long, till that luft conquer'd my fancy ; attempting fomething, and being in a fair way to it, this Satyr Goat-Devil, (I can't invent a name bad enough to call him by) prefently falls down upon us ; and taking me thus unawares, lying on my belly, I was not able to help my felf, that he had like to have performed his bufinefs ; and quefiiionlefs had effefled it, but that the two Maidens (landing by (no ways afhamed at this moft (hameful fight) affifted me, pulling him off. I prefently ftarted up, & feized him ; and trip- WtUy Extravagant. 445 ping up his heels, I laid him on his back : having fo done, I bound him ; then taking out my knife, I could not find in my heart to fpare him one inch ; and that he might not have any witneffes left of what was done, I took away his tefticles too. The three young Girles fled, fearing my rage and revenge might have extended to them : And fearing my felf, that they would give infor- mation of what I had done, I fled too to my Ships-Comerades ; and giving them account of what had happened, we all judged it the fafeft way to go aboard ; and fo we did, with all ex- pedition poffible. 44^ The Englifh Rogue \ Or, CHAP. LXXII. From hence he fails to Do-Cerne, fo called by the Portugals ; who Add^ni-like, give {or, as I may fay, take too much liberty) in impojing names on all new places, and things. By the Hollanders, it is called Mauritius. Its general Defcription. DO-Cerne or Mauritius, is an Ifle fituate within the torrid Zone, clofe by the Tropick of Ca- pricorn ; but it is very uncertain unto what part of the world it belongs, participating both of America, and bending towards the AJiatick Seas, from India to Java. This Ifle aboundeth with what the ufe of man fhall require. The landing looking out at Sea, is Mountainous : the circuit of this Ifland is about an hundred miles ; it pro- creates an healthy and nourifhing air ; the great quantity of ever-flourifhing & fragrant trees, doth no lefs lenifie the burning heat, when the Sun enters into Capricorn, as helped by the fweet mollifying breath of the North- weft winde, when Sol again adheres to Cancer. Now as the tem- perature of that body is beft compofed, that par- ticipates indifferently of all the Elements, which either fuper-abounding or wanting, begets defe6l ; What then is the temperature of this place, which is bleft with, & abounds in all, & abortive in none.-* Water is here very plentiful, driHing it felf from the high rocks & trickling down into the valleys, fpreads it felf into various Meanders, till thofe Witfy Extravagatit. 447 fweet and pleafant waters difembogue themfelves into the lap of the fait Ocean. There is fo great a quantity of wood, that we could hardly pro- cure palTage. But of thofe many various Trees, we found none fo beneficial to us,as the/'^/w^^