PS 
 
 727 
 03 
 
University of California Berkeley 
 
 CASE 
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 T H F. 
 
 /FOR CUP I NI AD: 
 
 -A' 
 IB RUSTIC POEM, 
 
 In Three Cantos, 
 
 4DDR.ESSED T* 
 
 "WILLIAM COBBETTj 
 MATHEW.CAPvEY, 
 
 CANTO L 
 
 SECOND EDITION. 
 
 <' Republican ingratitude is proverbial. "^ 
 
 Porcupines Gazette, Nov. 21, 1798. 
 
 " I would not exchange my title of fubj'edl: of king George^ for 
 " all the citizenihips in the univerfc.'* 
 
 Idem, Nov. 28, 1798. 
 
 America has produced more cool traitors in the laft fix years> 
 ** than ail the nations of the world put ~ 
 
 Idem> 5<?jtf.. .5, 1798. 
 '< Thank heaven,. I am no citizen of America." 
 
 Idem y June 6, 1795.* 
 
 P H IL A D EL PH1A: 
 
 Printed for and fold by the AUTHOR. 
 
 nl 15, 1799, 
 (Copy right fecnred eccordiig to afl cf Congress.) 
 

THE 
 
 PORCUPINIAD 
 
 A 
 
 HUDIBRASTIC POEM. 
 In Three Cantos. 
 
 ADDRESSED TO 
 
 WILLIAM COBBETT. 
 
 BY 
 
 MATHEW CAREY. 
 
 CANTO I. 
 
 SECOND EDITION 
 
 Thank heaven, I am no citizen of America." 
 
 Porcupine s Gazette, June 6, 1 798. 
 
 America has produced more cool traitors in the laft fix years, than all 
 the nations of the world put together." 
 
 Idem, Sept. 5, 1798. 
 Republican ingratitude is proverbial." 
 
 Idem, AW. 21, 1798. 
 
 would not exchange my title of fubjeft of King George, for all the 
 Citizenfhips in the univerfe." 
 
 Idem, Nov. 28, 1798. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA: 
 Printed for and fold by the AUTHOR. 
 
 April 22, M 5 DCC,XCIX. 
 
 (Copy-right secured according to Act of Congress.) 
 
FEDERALISM OF PETER PORCUPINE, 
 
 44 YJERSON ALLY appeared before me, the fub- 
 JL fcriber, one of the juftices of the peace for 
 " the county of Philadelphia, John Pearce, of the 
 " city of Philadelphia, who, being duly fworn, depof- 
 " eth and faith, that in converfation ibme time ago 
 " with William Cobbett, the editor of Porcupine's 
 " Gazette, on the fubjed of the depredations com- 
 " mitted on the American commerce, by the veffels 
 " of the French republic, this deponent, in reply to 
 " William Cobbett's remarks, obferved, that the Bri- 
 " tifh were alfo capturing American veffels. Damn 
 " them (the Americans), faid William Cobbett, no 
 " curfe bad enough can happen to them, for their 
 " infamous declaration of independence ; but I hope 
 " foon to fee the two countries united together again. 
 " On this declaration, the deponent remarked, that^ 
 " as he (the deponent) had taken an oath of allegi- 
 " ance, and . had fworn to fupport the independence 
 " of the United States, he, William Cobbett, muft 
 " exped that fuch expreffions would be hurtful to 
 " the deponent's feelings. On which William Cob- 
 " bett damned this deponent for an Englifli rebel. 
 " Witnefs his hand, this 3d day of July, 1798. 
 
 JOHN PEARCE." 
 
 Sworn before me, 
 JACOB SERVOSS, (Seal.) 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 TO thofe who have read the " Plumb Pudding for Ptter Porcu- 
 pine" which I publimed a few weeks ago, no explanation can 
 be neceffary, of the reafons that have led to the prefent^ublication. 
 For the information of others, I (hall add a (hort ftatement. 
 
 In the peaceable and unoffending purfuit of my private affairs, 
 having a large family to provide for, with little leifure, and lefs in- 
 clination, to commence writer, and wholly abftracled from public 
 life, I was, feveral times, very wantonly and unjuftly attacked by 
 William Cobbett, the publifher of Porcupine's Gazette. The prof- 
 peel of a controverfy with fuch a man, void of candour, honour, 
 and truth, was to me extremely difagreeable. I have no hefitation 
 in avowing, that I made feveral earned efforts to avoid it. As early 
 as September 1796, I wrote him a letter, declaring my refolution 
 " to avoid, while it could be avoided without difhonour, a contro- 
 " verfy carried on as ours would probably be." 
 
 In May 1797, after a recent attack, I repeated my application to 
 him, in a letter from which the following are extra&s : 
 
 (( The averfion I formerly exprefied to this warfare, has not di- 
 " miniftied. On the contrary, it is ftronger than ever. I there- 
 " fore make this one more effort to avoid it. Should we be engag- 
 " ed in it, I am determined to be able to exculpate myfelf from its 
 '* confequences, whatever they may be. 
 
 " I mould be extremely forry to have this letter afcribed, on the 
 " one hand, to a defire of intimidating you, or, on the other, to 
 ff any fear of you. They are both equally remote from my heart. 
 " My with is peace. I have done nothing to provoke hoftility. 
 " As long as in my power, I (hall avoid it when it comes I mall 
 " know how to meet it." 
 
 This addrefs was treated with all the infolence charafteriftic of 
 Cobbett. 
 
 0389 
 
iV 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 From that period, he repeatedly aflailed me in his vile paper, but 
 in a manner hardly deferving of notice. Unwilling to vvafte my 
 time, or to trefpafs on the public, I treated his attacks with filent 
 contempt, till a publication on the cnft of December 1798. On 
 this I made another eflay to avoid a controvcrfy, in a private letter, 
 dated the 22d of that month, which I concluded with thefe words: 
 
 I once more declare my unwillingnefs to be driven to extremi- 
 " ties with you. What is paft, I am willing to try to forget. But 
 " never dare to difgrace my name by introducing it into your filthy 
 '" paper, it you do, you (hall forely repent it. You will too late 
 " regret the temerity that urged you to an engagement in which you 
 " have nothing to gain but much to lofe. 
 
 " I have laboured hard to avoid a conteft with you. This is my 
 " final effort. If it proves in vain, on your detefted head be the 
 " confequences." 
 
 Notwithftandtog thefe repeated teftimonies of my pacific difpofi- 
 tion, Cobbettwas refolved to force me to a ftate of hoftility. His 
 objecl I never could divine. He had " nothing to gain," and 
 " much to lofe," in the conteft. For fuppofe him able to fink me 
 as low as he had' done fome of the objects of his malice, neither he 
 nor his partifans, could derive any advantage from his fuccefs. But 
 on the other hand, Ihould I, in the conteft, expofe him in his true 
 colours, to the deteftation of every candid and unbiased man, as I 
 hope and truft I mall, before I have done with him, has he not con- 
 cluded moft " fatuitQitJly?" Has he not adventured in a lottery, 
 wherein there was but one fmall prize, my ruin, and to him a very 
 large blank, his own difgrace ? 
 
 As he preferred a ftate of war, and again threw the gauntlet, I 
 laid afide my referve, and publiftied the " Plumb Pudding" a pam- 
 phlet written in his own ftyle and manner. I as freely beftowed on 
 him, as he had done on others, all the epithets to be found in the 
 Blackguard's Dictionary, which for years has been his text book. 
 
 This pamphlet I confideted as a payment in full for all the abufe 
 I had received from him. Had he then defifted, and let me remain 
 at peace, I mould have troubled him no further. I fhould have re- 
 figned to other hands the talk of unmaking him to a duped and 
 infatuated world." 
 
PREFACE. Y 
 
 But the extreme malignance and folly of Cobbett's difpofition 
 forbade him to fuffer me to remain in tranquility. His attacks 
 feeble and contemptible, it is true, were feveral times repeated; 
 and at length impelled me, though I could ill fpare the time, to 
 examine his Beotian Gazette, from its dawn, through its meridian 
 blaze of brightnefs, down to its prefent twilight ftate. 
 
 Having made this examination very curforily, it is more than 
 probable that hundreds of paflages have efcaped me, as well calcu- 
 lated to expofe him, as any I have felefted. Should I undertake 
 the talk again, I (hall go through it more completely than I have 
 done. 
 
 But I believe there is enough brought forward at prefent to con- 
 vince any man, not wilfully blind, that language cannot do juftice 
 to the conduct of William Cobbett, as Editor of Porcupine's Ga- 
 zette. The prominent features of that peftiferous paper, are 
 falfehoods of the moft revolting kind abandoned audacity atroci- 
 ous calumny the moft filthy and wretched Billingfgate and buf- 
 foonery curfing, fwearing, and blafphemy a molt favage thirft 
 after blood in fine, every thing calculated to excite horror in a 
 liberal mind. 
 
 Although I had long regarded Cobbett as highly bafe and detef- 
 table, yet I folemnly declare, I had but a very imperfect idea of 
 his wickednefs and depravity, previous to the review of his^vile 
 collection of papers. What I had previoufly feen at different times, 
 was there heaped together, " a naufeous mefs" of every thing odi- 
 ous and difgufting. I turned from the dofe with abhorrence ; and 
 fighed over the difgrace of a country which had afforded the mifcre- 
 ant a degree of patronage almoft unexampled. 
 
 I refolved to lay before the public the fele&ion I had made, in 
 hopes to diffolve the charm in which he had fo long bound his admir- 
 ers. If the perufal be gone through without prejudice, it cannot 
 fail to produce that effecl. 
 
 Circumftanced as I am with Cobbett, I lay claim to confiderable 
 merit for the moderation I have difplayed towards his myrmidons. 
 I have brought none of them forward, although I am well informed 
 they have furniihed him with the jejune and impotent articles he has 
 
vi PREFACE. 
 
 i 
 
 publifhed againft me, I might have rendered my little work more- 
 acceptable to hundreds of readers, who are too prone to relifh fcan- 
 
 dal, had I introduced Mr. Mr. and Mr. , who 
 
 difgrace themfelves and the ftations they fill, by acling as jackalls 
 
 to the fix-pencc-a-day man. Mr. in particular, debauched 
 
 and profligate, whom I know to be his principal writer, might have 
 furnimed matter for feveral pages, and I Ihould have been juftifiable 
 in rendering him confpicuous. But unlefs provoked to it beyond 
 endurance, I defpife perfonality, and in the whole courfe of my 
 life, have never ufed it, but in felf-defence. Thofe gentlemen know 
 my terms. If they pleafe, they may fit for their piclure. They 
 have only to fet their wild beaft on me again. If they do, I (hall 
 try to do them as much juftice as I have done their friend. If I 
 fail, it {hall not be for want of earned endeavours but for want 
 of ability. 
 
 I chearfully fubmit this attempt to public criticifm. But it can- 
 not be amifs to inform the reader, (and it may foften a little the afpe- 
 rity of his cenfure) that this is my fecond attempt at Hudibraftic 
 poetry. About thirteen years fmce, in a controverfy not unlike the 
 one in which I am engaged with Cobbett, I publirtied a poem, of 
 nearly 300 lines, written in the prefent meafure. Since that period, 
 I utterly renounced all connection with the Mufes, not having writ, 
 ten during the time, thirty lines of poetry. Cobbett has led me to 
 vifit the ladies again, and renew our acquaintance; and it is not im- 
 probable his friends may oblige me to call once more on them for 
 afliftance. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA, March -id, 
 
ON HUDIBRASTIC POET&T* 
 
 I HE proper meafure of Hudibraftic poetry, confifts 
 of eight fyllables, as 
 
 " What makes all doclrines plain and clear ? 
 " About two hundred pounds a year "* 
 
 When the rhyme is double, the line mufl confifl of 
 nine fyllables \ e. g. 
 
 f( Truly, quoth he, you can't imagine, 
 
 " What wond'rous things they will engage in." 
 
 But none of the Englifh poets have taken fuch liber- 
 ties, both in regard to meafure and rhyme, as thofe 
 who have written Hudibraftically. They have availed 
 themfelves of the example of Butler, who appears to 
 have fported with rules, and fet them entirely at defi- 
 ance. 
 
 '< And (hine upon me but benignly, 
 
 " With that one and the other pigfney."f 
 
 " If we permit men to run headlong, 
 (t T' exorbitances fit for bedlam. "J 
 
 " Was no difpute a-foot between, 
 " The caterwauling brethren ?" ' 
 
 " 'Twas nothing fo. Both fides were balanc't 
 " So equal, none knew which was valiant'ft."[| 
 
 * Hudibras, Part III. C. I. line 1277. t Idem, P. II. C. I. 569. 
 $ Idem, P. I, C. II. 655. Ibid, 701. || Ibid. 807. 
 
{ viii ) 
 
 " While others followed myfteries, 
 
 f To which few folks bind prentices."* 
 
 ' And give your fervant confecration, 
 
 " That (he may have true bifhops in her nation."* 
 
 " Well, well, have patience, quoth Scory, 
 " Behold the Bible here before ye."f 
 
 In this couplet, patience muft be pronounced in three 
 fyllables. 
 
 And every body faw the cheat, 
 Epifcopacy counterfeit."^ 
 
 " That every one may underftand, 
 
 " What fort of faith we are to teach the land."|| 
 
 " The doftrines taught in every one, 
 " Tho' perfeft contradiction. "H 
 
 Contradiction muft here be pronounced con-tra-dic- 
 ti-on, to drag out the line to its proper length. 
 
 * f And in plain fyllables declare, 
 
 " That only bread and wine are prefent there."* 
 
 I have laid thefe examples before the reader, to pre- 
 vent his being too rigorous in judging .of fome of my 
 lines, which I have found it necefiary to extend to nine 
 fyllables, and of others in which the rhyme may appear 
 fomewhat harm. 
 
 * Fable of the Bees, 45. f England's Reformation, Canto II. 
 
 J Ibid. Ibid. || Ibid, f Ibid. ** Ibid.. 
 
THE 
 
 PORCUPIN. IAD, 
 
 CANTO I. 
 
 ARGUMENT. 
 
 j fmg the hero Porcupine, 
 His million and his grand defign ; 
 His orders, and laft interview, 
 Ere t' Albion's cliffs he bade adieu. 
 
 DESCEND, O Mufe! my foul infpire j 
 And fill me with poetic fire, 
 Rolling in frenzy fine mine eye, (a) 
 May I with Ward (b)^ or Trumbull vie, 
 While I recite great Cobbett's praife, 5 
 
 In Butler's Hudibraftic lays* 
 Great Cobbett ! wonder of the age, 
 Whofe works for years have been " the rage," (c) 
 
 (a) IMITATION. 
 
 " The poet's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling." 
 fb) Edward Ward, author of England's Reformation. 
 (c) After the bubble burfts, and the delufion that led to Cobbett's 
 fuccefs, fubfides, it will never be believed, that the obfcene and Bil- 
 lingfgate writings of an alien, taken from the lowed of the canaille of 
 a foreign nation, could have met with the general encouragement he 
 has experienced. His coarfe, trite jefts, the caft-off finall talk of Eng- 
 lifli ftews, guard-houfes, and priibns, have been celebrated as the moft 
 refined wit. Many a reader in elevated flation, has ftiowed his appro- 
 bation of the obfcene idea of " bottling up farts, and retailing them 
 
 B 
 
* 
 
 
 . . 
 
 xo THE PORCUPIN1AD. 
 
 And made th' enliven'd bofoms glow 
 
 Of prieft and layman high and low 10 
 
 Of male and female (d) old and young 
 
 Whofe praile by grave and gay's been fung 5 
 
 Whom Britifh Critics celebrate, (e) 
 
 And with fulfome praife intoxicate. 
 
 From Britain's ifle our hero came, 15 
 
 In queft of fortune, pow'r, and fame ; 
 Was hither by the premier fent, (f) 
 To di&ate to our government (g) 20 
 
 as fupcrfinc inflammable air,"* and other equally dull, ftupid jefts, by 
 loud burfts of laughter. The deception of the bottle conjuror in Eng- 
 land was incomparably lefs wonderful. That was a momentary bufmeis. 
 The public had no time for reflection. The project was announced with 
 fuch confidence as annihilated doubt. But our conjuror has bound 
 " the most enlightened nation in the world" in his fpells for years : and 
 had not his imprudence and his folly been equal to his affurance and his 
 impudence, the charm would probably have retained its force for years 
 to come : for let it be obferved, that it was that Cbbbett broke the chains 
 of his flaves by his folly, not they that afferted their freedom by their 
 underftanding or illumination. 
 
 (d) In the early ftage of Gobbett's career, the ladies were among 
 his moft decided partifans. 
 
 (e) The Britifh Critic, and other reviews publifhed in England, 
 which are marflialled on the fide of the adm'miftration, have laviftied 
 the moft profufe encomiums on Cobbett's productions. To read the 
 praifes they beftow on the wit, humour, perfpicacity, and profoandnefs 
 of his Grub-ftreet performances, a perfon unacquainted with the real 
 ftate of the cafe, might be tempted to believe that he united the talents 
 of Sterne, Addifon, and Hume. 
 
 $ (f) It is no more than proper and juft to declare, that the affertion 
 contained in this line, is a poetical licence, and that I have no full proof 
 of the fad. The mufe, furveying the progrefs of Cobbett, and at- 
 tentively fcanning his conduct, feels a ftrong conviction that his million 
 to this country took place as here ftated : but fhe does not wifh to force 
 this opinion on the readers, each of whom will judge for himfclf. The 
 poetical licence,* however, here aflumed, cannot be juftly cenfured by 
 Gobbett, who is in the daily habit of taking ftronger licence, and on 
 infinitely lefs grounds of probability, in St. Giles's and Grub-ftreet 
 prose. 
 
 (g) Thofe who have not been in the habit of reading Porcupine's 
 Gazette, cannot conceive how arrogantly and imperiouily Gobbett has 
 for years dictated to our government. None of the ftate governors 
 have ever aflumed fuch an authoritative ftyle to their refpeCtivele gifla- 
 
 * Obfervations on doCtor Prieftley, page 87. 
 
THE PORCUPINIAD. 11 
 
 Our ftate affairs to regulate, 
 
 And Britain's caufe to advocate : (h) 20 
 
 Columbia's fons to fill with ire 
 
 Our public councils to infpire 
 
 Old mother country's wrongs to feel ; ~} 
 
 In her defence to fharp the fleel, > 
 
 And make to heav'n the laft appeal: ) 25 
 
 Our forces muiter againft France, 
 
 And in the caufe of kings advance : 
 
 To fight the battles of the Lord, ^ 
 
 To propagate his holy word, > 
 
 And fpread the gofpel with the fword : } 30 
 
 The five-head monfter drive away, 
 
 Reftore the Bourbons fans delay ; 
 
 Who erft, as you may read in ftory, 
 
 Were fworn foes to Britain's glory, 
 
 tures, nor either of the prefidents to congrefs, as this alien has conftant- 
 ly employed as well to the executive as the legiflature of the union. 
 Were the proofs of what I here affert, annihilated, pofterity could not 
 be perfuaded that their anceftors were tame enough to fubmit to fuch 
 degradation. See Appendix A. 
 
 (b) I am very far from cenfuring Cobbett for the unceafing exer- 
 tions he makes to advocate the caufe of England. On the contary, 
 for this he deferves praife ; and it is the only part of his conduct de- 
 ferving of praife. He prides himfelf in being an Englim fubject ; and 
 attachment to native country to the " natale solum"\s felt by every 
 man living, in a greater or lefs degree ; and when it does not drive its 
 votaries to the (hocking excefs of rancour and malice againfl other na- 
 tions, is highly commendable. It is, therefore, perfectly natural that 
 he mould, as he has done, blazon forth the virtues and palliate the vices 
 of his country and countrymen. But no degree of reprobation is ade- 
 quate to his bafenefs, in loading with infamy all nations to which Eng- 
 land is hoftile. For though the atrocities of Robefpierre are the often- 
 {Ible reafons for his virulence againft France ; it ought to be obferved 
 with attention, that he difplays nearly equal rage againfl Spain, Hol- 
 land, Switzerland, &c. Some apology may, it is true, be made for 
 him, on the ground of the narrownefs and illiberality of mind arifing 
 from the abject condition from which Fortune, in one of her extraordi- 
 nary freaks, has elevated him. But the confederation of his being an 
 alien, u a bird of pafTage" fhould have infpired him with a degree of 
 decorum and moderation towards his political opponents. He mould 
 have pleaded the caufe of his country decently, however firmly and bold- 
 ly. He mould not have fo impudently feized every opportunity of de- 
 grading and vilifying what he terms his adopted country, or its " re- 
 
tz THE PORCUPINIAD. 
 
 Blafted for worfe than (i) Punic faith 35 
 
 (So e'en our hero, Cobbett, faith) 
 
 Unfeeling defpots tyrants fierce - 
 
 To freedom and her fons adverfe 
 
 (Whofe ev'ry fubjeft was a (lave, 
 
 I 3 erfidious, vile, frog-eating knave ; 40 
 
 'Gainft popery (k) and wooden fhoes 
 
 What railing in both verfe and profe !)- 
 
 Bufnow, (what changes a few years 
 
 Effectuate, from this appears) 
 
 They are become a holy race, 45 
 
 Whofe fall indelible difgrace 
 
 Cafts on this innovating age, 
 
 So curft by democratic rage, 
 
 (From hell by Belial furely lent, ~) 
 
 Diforders direful to foment 50 
 
 In every legal government) j 
 
 Of feventy-five (detefted year, 
 
 When Faction's makes began to rear, 
 
 Their baleful heads) accurfed fruit 
 
 Which in this country firfl took root j 55 
 
 Tranfported by Fayette to France, 
 
 Where, malgre regal vigilance, 
 
 publican" forms of government, againft which he has a thoufand times 
 vented his impotent malice. For this kind of conduct, there is no apo- 
 logy or extenuation. It is as abandoned and infamous, as it is malig- 
 nant and impudent, 
 
 (i) The Punic faith of Carthage was an unceafing theme of de- 
 clamation among the Roman orators, poets, and hiftorians ; -but it has 
 been juftly fufpected that the Carthaginians had more reafon to com- 
 plain on this head, than their fuccefsful rivals. The perfidy and treach- 
 ery of the French have been for ages inexhauftible topics, among the 
 Englifh. The canaille of the latter nation have imbibed an imprefiion, 
 never to be eradicated, that the French have always been a perfidious 
 people, whom no oaths could bind. A careful review of hiftory would 
 probably leave it doubtful on which fide, in the intercourfe between the 
 two nations, for fome ages paft,lies the balance of perfidy. 
 
 (k) Numberlefs volumes have been written in England againft the 
 tyranny and defpotii'm of the kings of France, and the mifery and wretch- 
 ednefs of their half-ftarved fubjeas.- The farcafms againft, and abufe of, 
 the French, for their " popery, flavery, wooden-fhoes, and frog-eating," 
 have not been confined to needy ballad-mongers, and writers of plays., 
 
THEPORCUPINIAD. i s 
 
 King, church, and nobles it deftroy'd, 
 And neighb'ring nations fore annoy'd. 
 
 Why for this icheme was Cobbett chofe, 60 
 Wife Solomon to tell would pole. 
 His Tyburn vifage feems to fpeak (I) 
 That for his neck he had a fqueak. 
 All mankind furely muft agree 
 (If by the fruit we judge the tree), 65 
 
 He's 'mongft the worfl of human race, ") 
 Flint-hearted, cruel, bloody, bafe (m) > 
 The cannibal we plainly trace ) 
 
 In all his works. No dev'lifh elf, 
 Nor even Satan's horrid felf, 70 
 
 Did e'er breathe more infernal rage, 
 Than he has mown, through ev'ry page 
 Of his vile writings. A fierce flood 
 Will pour abroad, of human blood, 
 In civil war, if this curft knave 75 
 
 Our morals longer can deprave. 
 
 Ne'er pays he lead regard to truth 
 To lie and fwear is " nothing loth." 
 Illib'ral, rancorous, and vile, 
 Adept in ev'ry fraud and guile 80 
 
 PofTefs'd of boundlefs impudence, 
 And equal flore of infolence 
 As Haman he is vain and proud 
 In his own praifes ever loud : 
 His writings are fo bafe and mean, 85 
 
 So blackguard, flupid, and obfcene (n) 
 
 in whom fuch embellifhments might be tolerable. The mfe&ion has 
 .extended to parliamentary orators, and fome celebrated hiftorians and 
 political writers, who have difhonoured f hemfelves by foftering fuch di 
 .graceful prejudices. 
 
 (I) IMITATION. 
 
 " Look at his vifage, and agree, 
 " Half hang'd he feems ; juft from the tree 
 " Efcap'd. A rope may fometimes break ; 
 " Or men be cut down, by miftake." CHURCHILL. 
 
 C m) The extracts from Porcupine's Gazette, in proof of thefe very 
 ftrong charges, are unavoidably poftponed to No. 2, of this work. 
 (n) The ftyle of Porcupine's Gaze<te is unqueftionably the molt 
 
14 THE PORCUPINIAD. 
 
 That ages hence will not efface 
 
 The dire, th' ineffable difgrace, 
 
 Which from his Grub-ftreet works proceeds, 
 
 And calculation far exceeds. 90 
 
 Before our hero wing'd his flight, 
 His Mentor did his orders write, 
 To regulate his bold career, 
 And give the chart by which to fleer, 
 And 'feape the flioal the hidden rock, 95 
 Which might his pinnace rudely mock, 
 And to the bottom quickly fend her, 
 Beyond the fkill of man to mend her : 
 
 " Republics and their friends decry, (o) 
 And monarchy raife to the fky : 100 
 
 Enhance the glories of a court, 
 Of law of order the fupport * 
 
 bafe and wretched of any newfpaper in Chriftendom. I believe there 
 never was a Gazette Co infamous for fcurrility, abufe, curling, fwearing, 
 and bldfphemy, except that of Hebert, the pere Duchene, who figured 
 on the ftage in the early part of the French revolution. Cobbett, when 
 hard preffed in argument, calls his opponent, rafcal, fcoundrel, villain, 
 or thief, or defires him to " go to the devil." By this eloquent mode 
 he doubtlefs carries conviction to his readers, and triumphs over his ad- 
 verfaries. " In the devil's name," may be found in his paper fifty times. 
 That phrafe, " what the devil," and " by heaven .'" are as commonly in- 
 troduced to fill up chafms, as they are in the familiar converfation of the 
 refidents of St. Giles's and Billingfgate. See Appendix B. 
 
 (o) Among the number of aftonifliing circumftances "attending the 
 career of the illustrious personage whofe encomium I have undertaken, 
 it is not the leaft, that in a country of which the government is repub- 
 lican, and among a people of whom nine-tenths are 'republicans from 
 principle and conviction, a man mould have met with fuch general coun- 
 tenance, who has rarely ever let efcape him an opportunity of venting 
 his malice againft the < LEPROSY OF REPUBLICANISM,' as it 
 has been modeftly ftiled. His vile gazettes every where abound with 
 fallies of this defcription. ' VANITY'* fays he HAS EVER 
 < BEEN THE CHARACTERISTIC OF REPUBLICANS.' Very 
 well faid, mr. Cobbett ; very candid, indeed. It would, however, be 
 no eafy matter to find a republican whofe ' vanity' equalled the impu- 
 dence that could have led corporal Cobbett to advance this falfe ailVr- 
 tion in a republican country, where he had rifen from the loweft ftate, 
 to riot in pomp and fplendor. See Appendix C. 
 
 * Porcupine's Gaz^te, July 23, 1798. 
 
THE PORCUPINIAD. r 5 
 
 And eke of church eftablifhment, 
 
 That folid prop of government : 
 
 Of morals of obedience too 105 
 
 Of ev'ry thing that's great or true : 
 
 Show how unfit the people are 
 
 T' enjoy of government a fhare 
 
 To anarchy how freedom turns, 
 
 And fubordination proudly fpurns. no 
 
 The Irifh < outcafts' vilify, 
 Paint all their deeds of blackeft dye. 
 In Ireland, fwear, fo mild's our fway, 
 That none our orders difobey, 
 Save lawlefs villains, wretched herd ! 115 
 Unworthy of the leaft regard ; 
 Wild, vicious, difcontented, -rude, 
 A turbulent and factious brood. 
 Show how their linen trade we've chermVd, 
 Arts, fciences, and commerce nourifh'd : 120 
 How we have fent them priefts and levites, 
 With judges, viceroys, and their fav'rites : 
 How for their fons we well provide "^ 
 In armies and in fleets, our pride, 
 Which fpread our glories far and wide, j 125 
 How Luther we've 'gainft Calvin arm'd, 
 And both with Catholics alarm'd ; 
 Left they Ihould difobedient be 
 And madly feek for Liberty 
 A ftrumpet vile and impudent, 130 
 
 Sworn foe to regal government. 
 
 " And all this purely for their good ; 
 Yet this accurft ungrateful brood, 
 Unmindful of our ceafelefs care, ^ 
 
 With matchlefs impudence prepare, > 135 
 Rebellion's bloody flag to rear. ) 
 
 (p) IMITATION. 
 
 " Say, at what period, did they grudge, 
 
 " To fend you governor or judge ; 
 
 u With all their miffionary crew, 
 
 ;i To teach you law und gofpel too ?" M'FINGAL. 
 
THE PORCUPINIAD. 
 
 But of the race we'll purge the land ; 
 None fhall our power or force witMand. 
 
 " Should e'er the wand'ring wretches dare y 
 For flight to weftern world prepare, 140 
 
 With coarfe abufe you muft o'erwhelm 
 Each fugitive that leaves the realm ; 
 Them and adherents ftigmatife, 
 By ev'ry fcheme you can devife. 
 
 " But, mark me well, 'gainft France accuru> 
 Of all our foes by far the worft, 
 Your drafts direft with utmoft force, 
 To fraud and falfehood have recourfe : 
 Her crimes, her follies magnify, ^ 
 Her friends, her leaders vilify, > 150 
 
 And her oppofers juftify. 3 
 
 Print Bloody Buoys, the fools to fear*?, 
 And Cannibalian Progrefs rare : (q) 
 Let Rapine, Cruelty, and Rapes, 
 With pallid Murder, in all fhapes, 155 
 
 Stalk horribly through ev'ry page, 
 With infamy to blaft the age. 
 When impious man dares raife his hand 
 Againft th' anointed of the land 
 Againfl the holy, facred few, 160 
 
 To whom divinojure's (r) due, 
 Defpotic and unbounded fway ; (s) 
 Whofe fubjefts are their lawful prey, 
 
 fa) Such a barefaced literary fraud as the Cannibal's Progrefs, was 
 never perhaps' attempted before in any part of the world. It contains 
 hardly the fhadow of truth and yet it has been circulated through 1 1 
 United States with infinite pains, and at an expenfe that would 
 been refufed to ufeful objeas. 
 
 (r) " JURE DIVING is not fo filly, at laft, as it has been la* 
 " fliionable to believe."* 
 
 (s) IMITATION. 
 
 That right divine from heav'n was lent, 
 
 " To kings (that is, the parliament) 
 
 " Their fubjets to opprefs and teaze, 
 
 And ferve the devil when they pleafe.' M'FINGAL. 
 
 * P. G. December 30, 1797. 
 
THE PORCUPINlAfr, i? 
 
 Created folely for their ufe : 
 
 Thefe facred maxims introduce, 165 
 
 Vile < Freedom's leprofy' to heal, 
 
 And to allay her burning zeal. 
 
 " The rebels, too, of feventy-five, 
 Whether they're dead or ftill alive. 
 You muft hold up to public fcorn, 170 
 
 'Caufe they've Columbia from us torn 
 A glorious land, which might provide 
 The means to pamper up the pride 
 Of all our numerous kingly race, 
 St. James's treafure and its grace : 175 
 
 There had they gain'd wealth, titles, pow'r j 
 But all was loit in lucklefs hour, 
 When the redoubted hero, Gage, 
 'Gan with provincial force engage 
 When independence was proclaim'd, 180 
 
 And vile confederation fram'd. 
 
 " Their leader, Franklin, (t) moft accurft^ 
 Of revolution fchemer firfl 
 Him and his race with rage purfue, 
 And all the bafe, rebellious crew. 185 
 
 Blaft their fair fame with vile abufe 
 ' Againft them let the furies loofe. ^ 
 
 " Our former power to regain, 
 And o'er Columbia once more reign, 
 Let that your conftant objecl be, 190 
 
 For which behold a recipe. 
 
 ft) The degree of rage difplayed by Cobbett agaiuft many of the 
 obje&s of his hatred and malice, is in an exadl ratio, with their exer 
 tions during the American war. To pafs over others, how elfe could 
 we account for his rancour againft dr. Franklin ? This ornament of A- 
 merica was in his peaceful grave, before the gallant corporal vifited thefe 
 fhores. But this did not mield him from Cobbett's abufe. Like the 
 viper in the fable, he broke his envenomed tooth biting at the folid re- 
 putation of the electrician, whom he conftantly, with his ufual Boeotian 
 wit, ftyles " old lightning rod;' 1 thus malignantly and envioufly at- 
 tempting to render a difco'very of great importance to mankind, a fource 
 of obloquy and reproach. 
 
 4 In his dark mind, revenge and envy roll*' 
 G 
 
ift THE PORCUFINIAIT/ 
 
 " If factions rage within the land, (*u) 
 T'increafe then lend a helping hand : 
 Fell difcord, jealoufy, and hate, ^ 
 
 You mud or find, or elfe create, > 195 
 
 And widely fpread throughout the ftate. j 
 O heav'ns ! could their petty jars 
 Fomented be to civil wars 
 
 (v} How faithfully Cobbett has complied with this injunction, ic- 
 evinced by the exifting ftate of things in the United States, compared 
 with the paft. Certain it is, that the extenfive circulation of his poi- 
 fonous papers, has effected a very confiderable change in the American 
 character. The fpirit of perfecution prevails here at prefent, with vaft 
 numbers of people, in a degree not very far inferior to that which im- 
 molated its victims at Smithfield, under Henry, Mary, and Ellizabeth, 
 and on St. Bartholomew's day, under the cruel and imbecile Charles 
 IX. In fact, we have made a retrogade movement, and plunged into 
 the cimmerian darknefs of paft ages, which we pride ourfelves in excel- 
 ling. It is true, we are not fo very intolerant in refpect of religion, 
 as our anceftors ; but the fpirit of perfecution, directed to a different 
 object, gains ground daily. And h is of little confequence to a man 
 who is diftreffed and harraffed for his opinions, whether thofe opinions 
 sire political or religious. By flow degrees, men imbibe the lamentable 
 and'delufive idea, that all who differ from them in opinion are villains. 
 Hence ariie jealoufies, hatred, and difcord and hence, too, the dread- 
 ful fpirit of perfecuticn, a fpirit whofe infuriate rage 
 
 " Has play'd fuch pranks before high heav'n 
 " As made e'en angels weep." 
 
 This fpirit, the moft tremendous of the curfes that iftued from Pan- 
 dora's box, Cobbett has wickedly foftered with as much induftry as ever 
 any incendiary employed. " It is time," fays he, " that the foes of the 
 nation (that is, every man luho does not implicitly believe in the infalli- 
 bility of bis politics) SHOULD FEEL ITS RESENTMENT." 
 Whether they are to feel it by banifhment, imprifonment, or death, he 
 does not explain here : however, next line clears up the difficuty. " If 
 " they love France, to France let them go." (That is, let them be buirt- 
 ed out of society-^-let them be banished from our shores.) " It is mere 
 " nonfenfe to fay, that the politics of a man ought to be no exception 
 <c to him in the common concerns of life." (It must surely be nonsense^ 
 for the great CoBBErr HIMSELF says so, to buy bread or meat or 
 cloatbingor any other article, from a man whose opinions on politics 
 differ from those of the purchaser ! We ought to employ no man but such 
 as think as we do ! ) " A man's politics, at this time, are every thing. 
 I WOULD SOONER HAVE MY WOUNDS DRESSED BY 
 A DOG THAN A DEMOCRAT."* Such, O heavens ! are the 
 
 * P. G. June 7, 1798. 
 
THE PORCUPINIAD. ^ 
 
 Could we New Englanders excite, ( iv ) 
 
 Againft the fouthern ftates to fight 200 
 
 Could we the clangor raife of arms, 
 
 And fpread of war the dire alarms 
 
 Could we the furies raife from hell, 
 
 As erfl was done by magic fpell, 
 
 And make them rage from (here to more, 205 
 
 Our long-lofl fway we might reftore : 
 
 That Liberty for which they burn'd, 
 
 To anarchy fo quickly turn'd, 
 
 Would make them loath her very name, 
 
 And kingly pow'r once more proclaim. 2 1 o 
 
 " Thefe vafl defigns demand great care, 
 Much craft and fraud, with cunning rare : 
 The ftrongeft party mufl be thine, 
 In all their views be fure combine ; 
 Cajole them by each art and fraud, 215 
 
 Their proje&s all you muft applaud. 
 
 doctrines of a man who hypocritically profeffes a regard for the gofpel 
 .of Jefus Chrift, a gofpel, which orders us " to love our enemies" and 
 " do good to thofe that hate us I" Yet this Pharifee, inftead of preach- 
 ing peace, and good will, preaches hatred and ftrife, and even civil war ! 
 And he has the diabolical iatisfa&iori of feeing that he has not laboured 
 in vain that he has deftroyed a great deal of the benign fpirit of cha- 
 rity and forbearance, that charadlerifed and reflected honour on Ame- 
 rica. Influential and enlightened men of all parties, ought to combine 
 their efforts to extinguifh this fanatic fpirit, remembering the inftruc- 
 tive motto * United, we ftand divided, we fall.' This is a moft mo- 
 mentous fubjedl ; for fhould the flame of the angry paffions be fanned 
 and cherifhed much longer with -a fuccefs equal to what has attended 
 Cobbett's pad exertions, no good man can anticipate the probable iffue, 
 without horror. 
 
 (w) The jealoufies natural to the different divifions of the United 
 States, are numerous, and ought to be allayed by every means in the 
 power of good citizens. Nothing threatens fo much to difturb the 
 peace, or mar the profpects of America, as the hoftility thence ariting. 
 How execrable, then, muft be the views of thofe who are inceffantly 
 on the watch, to fan the flames of difcord between the northern and 
 fouthern ftates ! The following extract from general Wamington's fare- 
 well addrefs, demands moft ferious attention : 
 
 " In contemplating the caufes which may difturb our Union, it oc- 
 " curs, as a matter of ferious concern, that any ground mould have 
 " keen found for chara&erifing parties by GEOGRAPHICAL difcrimina- 
 . tions NORTHERN and SOUTHERN ATLANTIC and 
 
THE PORCUPINIAD. 
 
 With incenfe ply the powers that be/ 
 
 And at their altar bend the knee : 
 
 Of politics whate'er's their plan, 
 
 Be you their brawling partifan : 22O 
 
 Revile, defame, abufe their foes, 
 
 And all their views be fure oppofe. 
 
 Fed'ralift and and be the fame (#) 
 
 To you, if anfwer'd be your aim. 
 
 ' Go, Cobbett, go. This tafk be thine ; 
 
 And to reward thee well be mine. 
 
 Honor and wealth mall on thee wait, 
 
 Should'ft thou this project grand complete. 
 
 The rebel child IhoulcTft thou reftore 
 
 Unto her mother's gripe once more, 230 
 
 Thy vaft ambition can't demand 
 
 A boon, which I mall e'er withftand. 
 
 To compenfate fuch fterling merit, 
 
 Thy children from thee (hall inherit 
 The^ honors of ennobled name, 2 ic 
 
 (This profped may thy breaft inflame) 
 Lord Porcupine of Porcupine hall ! 
 
 Thy grandeur will thy foes appal ! 
 
 Thy dame will then be ftil'd, " my Lady " 
 Precedence, honors, all are ready, 240 
 
 Thy dang'rous toils to compenfate, 
 And thee, dear Cobbett, elevate 
 Unto the facred rank of peer. 
 Fear not, my friend, the fcornful fneer, 
 
 bdirf T th a ^ ; WhenCC defi W men ma 7 endeavour to excite a 
 One of the S " 1 
 
 e who 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 " All gods, all kings, (let his great aim 
 
 Be anfwer'd) were to him the fame." CHURCHILL. 
 
THE PORGUPINIAD. 
 
 Which 'gainft the nevus homo's rais'd : 
 
 Our king, you know, whene'er he's pleas'd, 
 
 Can even Cobbetts turn to Lords, 247 
 
 By potent fpell of magic words ;. (y ) 
 
 Can purify plebeian blood, 
 
 And raife aloft the dunghill brood ; 
 
 What though, ere you become a lord, 
 
 By all good men you be abhorr'd 
 
 What though, the finger fix'd of Scorn 
 
 Doth point you out as wretch forlorn, 254 
 
 As bafe, abandoned, fhamelefs, vile, 
 
 As full of fraud, deceit, and guile ; 
 
 It matters not. The peerage will 
 
 The murmurs of the rabble Hill, 
 
 Your follies and your crimes efface, 259 
 
 And from your foul purge all that's bafe ; 
 
 You'll quickly great and virtuous be, 
 
 To reward your fignal loyalty." 
 
 END OF CANTO L 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 " For titles all our foreheads ache ; 
 
 " For what bleft changes can they make ! 
 
 " Place rev'rence, grace and excellence, 
 
 " Where neither claim'd the leaft pretence ; 
 
 " Transform by patent's magic words, 
 
 " Men, likeft devils, into lords : 
 
 " Whence commoners to peers tranflated, 
 
 " Are juftly faid to be created." M'FINGAL. 
 
APPENDIX. 
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 A. PAGE n. 
 Line 20. To dlclate to our government. 
 
 Out of the numberlefs Inflames of the Insolence with 'which Cobbctt has 
 a/umed the Office of Ditiator General of the United States^ I have 
 felefted the following* 
 
 U T TOW long will America forbear! Will nothing roufe her? No; 
 jLjL I am afraid nothing ! To fuffer fuch a commerce as this, at 
 this time, to be carried on by the enemy, (hows a want of energy, a want 
 of public Jpirit, a <want of courage, a want of every thing, on which the 
 Jahation of the country depends."* 
 
 " If congrefs do not leave off trifling, and acl with energy, and that 
 very foon too, we moft certainly fhall fee fomething of this kind in courfe 
 of a very few months,"i 
 
 " And yet our congrefs are balancing and yet villains are fuffered open- 
 ly to juftify the conducl of France towards America. A government 
 cannot exift long under fuch circumftances."j 
 
 " There MUST be no trifling. Private confiderations muft give way 
 to public good." 
 
 " This is what ought to have been done long ago. I mentioned the 
 necfjfitj of it in the year 1795, an( * ^ ^ * S nOt VCr ^ n e ^ e< ^ ec ^' Ame- 
 rica may bid farewell to her mdependence."|| 
 
 " / don't like innovations. / think changes in a conftitution very 
 ferious things ; but a remedy muft be found, and that foon, againft the 
 dreadful evil of foreign influence, or all is loft."f 
 
 " There is no doubt but the federal government will acl juftly on this 
 occafion, as on all others ; but I will not fay, that it will aft with fuffi- 
 cient energy."** 
 
 The high opinion of the nations of Europe " was founded on thpfe 
 proceedings of congrefs, which indicated <vuar; thofe meafures which 
 immediately fucceeded the communication of the difpatches, and not 
 thofe with which the feffion was terminated; not thofe ^which tefified nei- 
 ther patience or refentment; but a mixture of anger and pufiilanimity. 
 People may think what they pleafe of this ; but, / can affure them, that 
 
 * Porcupine's Gazette, June 7, 1798. + June 25, 1798. 
 J June 27, 1798. Auguft 3, 1798. || Nov. 9, 1798. 
 5 Nov. 9, 1798. ** Nov. 12, 1798, 
 
APPENDIX. 23 
 
 the truths which / now fpeak, will be recorded by the impartial hiftorian 
 of thefe times."* 
 
 " What muft the world think of America, when they fee her thus 
 infulted and fcorned by a power, whom (he is not afhamed to call her 
 ALLY Will the fpirit of this people never be roufed?"\ 
 
 " I for my part have no helitation to fay, that, if he is not expelled, 
 or, at leaft, if he does not quit the houfe, / (hall never more think ei- 
 ther the perfons of the members, their opinions, or decifions, worthy of 
 the leaft refpecl or attention."}; 
 
 " Congrefs have not yet formed a quorum ; but it is expecled they 
 will to-morrow. The great queftion is, WHAT WILL THEY DO ? 
 / will venture to predid. 
 
 " America will, as the fmall federalifts fay, remain firm firm as a 
 poft, amidji infults and injuries innumerable. The politics of this country 
 are exactly defcribed in the fublime and beautiful language of Jofeph 
 Hopkinfon, efq. 
 
 " Firm, united, let us be, 
 " Rallying round our liberty; 
 " As a band of brothers join'd, 
 " Peace xn&fafity we (hall find." 
 
 " Are not you in raptures, gentle reader ? I am Being firm, rally- 
 ing, joining like a band of brothers, and all this to find out peace and fafe- 
 ty, is a thought that charms by its novelty, no lefs than it aftonilhes by 
 its fplendor. 
 
 " The political fyftem, thus poetically defcribed, will be purfued by 
 congrefs with an undeviating ftep. They will feek nothing but peace and 
 fafety ; and it will fo happen, that they will feek them juft where they 
 are not to be found ; that is, in half meafures, in cramping the nerves 
 of the executive power, and in the dangerous experiment of DELAY." 
 
 " All men now agree that congrefs ought to do fomething, and that 
 immediately ; and if they do not, they may expeft to briug on themfelves 
 all the odium attached to fuch indecifive, I had almoft faid, criminal con- 
 
 " When I publifhed my obfervations at the bottom of the PRESI- 
 DENT'S meflage, I had not feen a fingle foul who was acquainted with 
 the real ftate or the cafe > but / very jlroitgty fufpe&ed that the federal go- 
 vernment was deceived; and, I believe, my readers will now agree, that 
 my fufpicion was not without foundation,"?! 
 
 " It is, and always has been my opinion, that, if a war does not take 
 place with France, and if an alliance is not formed between this country 
 and Great Britain, one ftipulation of which (hall be, that the latter pow- 
 er (hall never make peace, leaving Louifiana in the hands of France; if 
 this does not take place, I have not the leaft doubt, that the French will 
 foon be matters, not only of Kentucky, but of all the weftern countries 
 of thefe dates. And, I am much afraid, that no fuch alliance will take 
 place."** 
 
 * Dec. 4, 1798. f January 15, 1798. J Feb. 12, 1798. 
 Dec. 4, 1798. |{ March 10, 1798. ! July 2, 1798. 
 
 ** Nov. 12, 1798. 
 
APPEND! 
 
 " Contrary to cuftom, the anfwer to the prefident's fpeech took up 
 but little time in the houfe : and the reafon was this : there is nothing 
 faid about France, which the partifans of that horrid nation could pofli- 
 bly difapprove of. The paragraphs relating to France, are not only tame 
 and timid, but even ridiculous. " In lamenting the increafe of the injuries 
 offered to the perfons and property of our citizens at Tea." Now, one 
 would expert to fee this followed by the language of indignation and re- 
 venge : not at all : it is followed by a grateful acknowledgment to the 
 fupreme being for interior tranquility and fundry other Unffings ! ! / have 
 no objection to thankfgiving, or even prayer. Piety is always laudable ; 
 but this part of the buiinefs might have been left to the chaplain. At 
 any rate, how the devil can our " interior tranquility" and its " attendant 
 bleffings" be called " an alleviation' of the robberies, infults, kickmgs, 
 ballings and thumb-fcrewings, which the failors of America undergo from 
 the French ? This paragraph is perl eft nonfenfe : it is a fort of dog- 
 logic, that dcfcends beneath all human comprehenfion ; and fo I leave 
 it/'* 
 
 " A few fiifts and expedients will do nothing. What is to be done 
 with a people, pervaded by a fpirit prepared tofiiffer? The cry of peace 
 is all you hear a'mong the friends of government, while its enemies laugh 
 and rejoice at the war that is actually carried on againft it. The French, 
 and even the Spaniards, infult, rob, manacle, lalh, and torture the Ame- 
 ricans ; this is notorious. And what do thefe good creatures do in return ? 
 Why, they fend an ambaflador to Paris. And, after he is threatened to 
 be put into a guard-houfe, and finally driven out of the country, what 
 do they do then ? Why, they fend two more to join him, and all thefe 
 are ordered to repair to the feat of tyranny, to re-cjlablijh harmony be- 
 tween the two fifter republics! ! Not to demand juitice; not to fay, if 
 you refufe to ceafe your depredations, and indemnify us for the millions 
 you have feized, we will make reprifals, we will appeal to arms. No ; 
 they will hold no fuch language as this; nor, indeed, would fuch lan- 
 guage become them ; for, neither the congrcfs nor the people of this country 
 would enter into a war with the French, though they were to tread their 
 guts out."\ 
 
 " My God ! what mnjt the people of England think of this government 
 and this' people ! If America goes on finking before this vile, this bloody 
 tyranny, as (he has done for fome time pail, no man of fpirit, no man 
 that has a fmgle drop of independent blood in his veins, will remain in the 
 country. For my part, I'll never be a fubjert of the Parifian defpots ; 
 and / have formed my refolution, that no ties of intereft, however pow- 
 erful, (hall ever keep me in a country that is BASE ENOUGH TO 
 BEND THE KNEE BEFORE THEM, and this, I am much afraid 
 America is juft upon the eve of doing. " 
 
 " I wonder what precious patchwork is preparing now. Mr. Daytort 
 maybe called the motion tinker; he is everlaftingly mending. It is his 
 delight : he voted againft mr. Coit's amendment, and then propofed ano- 
 ther of exactly the fame import."^ 
 
 f November 29, 1798. + November 22, 1797. J Ibid. 
 June 14, 1797. 
 
I 
 
 APPENDIX. 
 
 " We fee, then, it is underftood in London, that mr. Pinckney has 
 been ordered away ; there is now no excufe left, no room for an apology ; 
 America must now fhow to the world either its spirit or ITS BASE- 
 NESS."* 
 
 " Had fome devoted tool of France propofed this mollifying amend- 
 ment, / fhould not have been furprifed ; but / really am furprifed, and 
 {hocked too, to hear it from mr. Pinckney. It is a bad beginning, an 
 evil portent. It fays to me plainly : " lameness is to be the order of the 
 
 <teX."t 
 
 " It is almofl impoffible, that fuch a thing as public spirit fhould exift, 
 under fuch a load of humiliation and difgrace, as has lately been heaped 
 on America. When things come to this pitch ; when men have ufed 
 every effort, exhaufled every refource, ventured their fortunes and their 
 lives, for the prefervation of their country's honour, and ftill rind that 
 it is all in vain, they are very apt to exclaim, with the failor in the 
 ftorm, " tie up the helm, and LET HER DRIFT TO THE DE- 
 
 " But it will be remembered, though, that the French flag, in return 
 for it, was RECEIVED BY THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT, 
 and by every branch of it fu. cctflively ; and a most trifling ', cbildisb 
 (not to say shameful and scandalous) exhibition it was." 
 
 " / cannot, for my part, fee the neceffity of this bill. Was not bis 
 txcellency a judge of the work ? Or was it thought neceffary to give 
 this fort of security for the payment of his fubfcription to it ? If fome 
 copies of the laws were wanted, there were ctrtainly many other ways 
 of providing for the payment of them, /would have included it among 
 the contingent expenses of the affembly ; among the flationary, or the 
 fuel, or any thing. / would never make a bill, a folemn st of the le- 
 giflature, for fuch a trifling object. "|| 
 
 " 1 declare to heaven, that I would fooner vote for a known demo- 
 crat ; I would fooner vote for CALLENDER, than for CoiT."H 
 
 " And yet we find wretches impudent and vile enough to endeavour 
 to perpetuate an ill-founded, and, to US, deftruclive prejudice againft 
 Britain ; a nation whofe friendfhip is of ineftimable value, and not more 
 valuable than fincere. Had Great Britain detained the Weflern pofts 
 but a day beyond the time fixed for their delivery had fhe behaved to 
 our officers as the Spaniards have to mr. Ellicott what execrations 
 would not have been vomited forth againft her ! Mr. Dayton (the honest 
 fpeaker) would have had his confiscating irons in the fire in a moment, 
 and Monfieur Smith of Baltimore, would have again called forth " the 
 American youth, whofe independent hearts beat high for an opportunity 
 to signalize their valour." But now that the infult, the wrong, comes 
 from the Spaniards and the French, it is all very well. Not a fmgle 
 voice is raifed to vilify and to curfe ; the American youth are as gentle 
 as lambs : their hearts, which whilom beat fo high, now lie as luinpiftt 
 as a fteel dumpling."** 
 
 * April 4, 1797. f Nov. 29, 1797. \ Oft. 26, 1797. 
 
 June 20, 1797. || March 20, 1797. It Ju ne 9> 
 ** June 17, 1797. 
 
zb APPENDIX. 
 
 " Feafting on the birth-day of general Wafhington, will, believe me, 
 clo no good, ivbile ibe hero himself is at Mount Vernon, and keeps bis 
 person, bis opinions, and bis very name, from giving weight to the govern- 
 ment and a sanction to its measures. Indeed this celebration, this dif- 
 play of affection and gratitude, though highly laudable in itlelf, has an- 
 fwered, at the prefent time, no other purpofe than that of exhibiting an 
 ...;unt contra^ and of difcoVering a feeming coldnefs towards the 
 MAX, who d.mJs in need of the countenance of the friends of the coun- 
 try, and who well deicrves their confidence, their love, and gratitude. 
 He took the lulm in the moment of danger, of greater danger than ever 
 icjis knj-*n t:} ibis country ; and it is he, who ought to be the objed of 
 fupport, of cordial, hearty, and open fupport I have been led into this 
 lad topic rather unwarily, but /fee not a word that /will blot. I have 
 expressed my sentiment, and however they may differ from those of others, 
 I am confident that they are just and pertinent."* 
 
 " As to mr. Dayton's old faltified ftory about lord Dorchefter and the 
 tomahawk, there is now hardly any one flupid enough to liflen to it ; 
 but, fuppofe it was true ; wlrat was the danger to be apprehended from 
 Canada, compared to what is to be apprehended from the French, when 
 once in poffefiion of the land bordering on our wedern and fouthern fron- 
 tier ? In the prefent fituation of affairs, it is almoft an infult to the 
 readers of a public paper, to attempt to controvert the grots abfurdities 
 contained in the fpeech of the fpeaker [mr. Dayton], He is either ftone- 
 blind himftlf, or he wants to put our eyes out : if the former, he is an 
 object of our pity ; if the latter, of our contempt. 
 
 " His compliment to his condiments will avail him little : no more 
 than their zeal in the defence of their country will avail it, if he fucceeds 
 in tying their hands. They were in hopes he was reformed ; he lias un- 
 deceived them."t 
 
 " That law mud continue in force and mnd be ftrictly executed too, 
 and not remain a dead letter, as it now does, or America is ruined.":}: 
 
 The audacity of the following paragraphs perhaps exceeds all Cob- 
 bett's former impudence. The prefident of the United States no- 
 minated mr. Vans Murray to negotiate with the French directory. 
 Cobbett affeded not to credit the report ; and under the flimfy cover of 
 that diibelief, reprobated the meafure in an unqualified manner, and 
 lavHhed on the prefident the mod pointed reproaches. Thus it is evi- 
 dent, that Cobbett's approbation, difgraceful as it is, cannot be fecured 
 on any other terms than by fubmitting to his- dictatorfhip ! ! ! 
 
 " For thefe two days lad pad, there has been a mod atrocious falfe- 
 hood in circulation. The " True Americans," Duane and Bradford, 
 have roundly afferted, that the prefident of the United States has inti- 
 mated by meffage to the fenate, that he has refolved on fending another 
 plenipotentiary to treat with the French republic .' .' / Every one mud per- 
 ceive falfehood on the front of this ; yet have the audacious wretches 
 above mentioned dared to promulgate it, without limitation ; nay, they 
 have even named the plenipotentiary (mr. Murray, now a^the Hague) ; 
 and Bradford has gone fo far as to fay that he derives his information from 
 
 * March 6, 1798. t June 20, 1797. \ Nov. 9, 1798. 
 
APPENDIX. 27 
 
 a senator, who told him, befides, that mr. Murray was not to 
 Holland, 'till be had the mod unequivocal aflurance, that he would be 
 properly received at Paris ! 
 
 " I have not, indeed, made any enquiry into the matter, NOR DO 
 I THINK IT WORTH WHILE. I have too much refped for the 
 prefident, too much confidence in his wif lorn, to fuppofe the thing pof- 
 iible. He has repeatedly declared that nothing was to be hoped for from 
 the justice of France ; all his fpeeches, his meffages, and his anfwers to 
 addreffes, {peak the fame language ; they inculcate the impolicy of ever 
 truftin^- to the promifes of the rulers of France ; and in one of his mef- 
 fages he foLmnly declares, that he never will send another minister to 
 treat --with her, 'till he receives ample assurances of bis being received 
 as the minister of a great, powerful, free, and independent nation ! 
 After this, would it not be the groffeft infult to fuppofe it pofiible for 
 him not only to fend another minifter, but to leave that minister to judge 
 of the assurances respecting his reception ? 
 
 " Ever fince the prefident has been in the chair, he has been com- 
 plaining of the conduit of France. He has publifhed the injuries of 
 America to the world in volumes ; be has mads the .welkin ring with her 
 cries, and, latterly, with her threats of revenge ; and, fli:;ll we believe 
 that her wounds are to be healed and all her mortal wrath affuaged, by 
 one footh'mg letter from the pen of Talleyrand to the sentimental mr. 
 Murray I And fliall we believe, that a negotiation, which was thought 
 of fuch importance as to require the united wifdom of three of the moft 
 profound and experienced politicians in America, can now be entrufted 
 to one man, and he of very slender political abilities ? Shall we believe 
 that this negotiation is now looked upon as a mere bye job, which an en- 
 voy at the Hague may perform in a trip to Paris, without any interrup- 
 tion to his ordinary functions ? 
 
 " With the very laft meffage to the houfe of representatives, th? 
 prefident fends the houfe a copy of a letter from lord Grenville to mr. 
 King, which clearly proves the exiftence of a French decree for putting 
 to death all Americans found on board fhips belonging to the enemies of 
 France. Lord Grenville calls this an atrocious decree, unexampled in 
 the annals of the world, and affures the American minifter of the king's 
 refolution to protect thofe Americans who may be found under his flag, 
 or to revenge their death by the moft rigorous retaliation on Frenchmen; 
 This the prefident certainly communicated by way of example to^con- 
 grefs ; and, left they mould count upon the suspension of the decree, 
 he tells them to " remember that the arret of the executive directory, 
 of the 2d of March, 1797, remains in force ; the third article of which 
 fiibjects explicitly and exclusively American seamen to be treated as pi- 
 rates, if found on board ships of the enemies of France." Now, this 
 toeffage was fent to the houfe on Saturday laft ; and can it be believed, 
 that THE MAN, who gave this under his hand and feal on Saturday, 
 could, on Monday, propofe to fend another minifter to treat with the 
 very power who had paffed, and who ftill held unrepealed, the bloody 
 decrees of which he complains ? 
 
 (< I will not expatiate^on the consequences of fuch a ftep en the part 
 of the prefident ; becaufe / cannot suppose ths step itself within the com- 
 
5* APPENDIX. 
 
 pass of possibility ; but, I will juft obferve, that had he taken fnch a. 
 ftcp, it would have been inftantaneoufly followed by the lofs of every 
 friend worth his preferving. To gain and topreferve friends, a ftatefman 
 muft aft with vigour, fteadinefs, and confiftcncy ; he muft encourage his 
 friends by fhowing them that he profits from their friendfhip j he rnuft 
 clap his own moulder to the wheel, and maintain the ground that bus 
 been gained for him ; for, thofe men muft be more than mortal, who 
 will perfevere in the Sifyphean talk of fupporting a government that is 
 everlaftingly recoiling."* 
 
 " The Prefident. 
 
 When, in yefterday's paper, /endeavoured to convince my readers of 
 the total falfehood of the report. refpecYmg a renewal of the negotiation 
 m>itb France, I proceeded only upon prefumption upon the internal evi- 
 dence. / have lince heard nothing to alter my opinion ; and 1 feel hap- 
 py in the aflu ranee that / never mall. 
 
 li Confident as I am that this calumnious report is a mere fabrication 
 intended to alienate the president's friends from him at this momentoies 
 cnfis, and TO SINK HIS CHARACTER IN THE EYES OF 
 ALL EUROPE AS WELL AS ALL AMERICA, I {hall keep to 
 my resolution of yefterday, not to comment on the consequences of THE 
 ODIOUS MEASURE, which thefe flanderous newfpapers tell us is 
 adapted." f 
 
 B. PAGE 13. 
 Line 86. So blackguard, flupid, and obfcene. 
 
 I SHALL lay before the readers a few fpecimens of the " black^ 
 guard, ftupid, and obfcene" ftyle of this six-pence-a-dqy-man, to evince 
 how richly he has deferved the patronage he has experienced. 
 
 " As you are going, font re le camp."\ 
 
 " What, in the name of the devil's name, does Blount mean ?" 
 
 " Ah 1 poor Prieftley ! don't you wifti the DEVIL had every foul 
 of them ? That you do."|| 
 
 " Here, again, is another inftance of what thtfr6g*eating) man-cat- 
 ing, blood-drinking cannibals intended to impoie on America.''^ 
 
 " The devil help them ! as Paddy faid. They merit it all and ten 
 times more."** 
 
 " Never had mortal fo many envious, bafe, rafcally enemies to com* 
 bat, as I have. It would feem as if HELL had vomited forth its very 
 dregs againfl me. ****** ]sj O) y OU l ase scoundrel, I would not. 
 BY HEAVEN! all America does not polTefs treafure enough to pur- 
 chafe from me fuch an acknowledgment, "ff 
 
 " Blasted be the Briton, who continues, after this, to give his cuf- 
 tom or his countenance to this defamer of our nation! Yet, there will 
 
 * P. G. Feb. 20, 1799. t Feb. 21, 1799. \ June 7, 1798. 
 June 9, 1798. I] June 9, 1798. f July 14, 1798* 
 
 2, 1798. ft July 5, 1798. 
 
APPENDIX. 
 
 iere will be found rampant, fpaniel-like creatures, who will 
 even crawl to the long-earecl, pedantic animal, and folicit another jerk 
 from his infolent hoof."* 
 
 " They (the editors of the Analytical Review) are a fet of SCOUN- 
 DRELS fold to France."t 
 
 " Thou pedantic coxcomb 1 thou filly projector ! thou lying footh- 
 fayer ! thou trimming politician ! thou nauieous and deteftable quack 1"| 
 
 Thefe ENLIGHTENED VAGABONDS, (the ftudents at Wil- 
 liam and Mary college), have only profited from the example of THE 
 VAGABONDS THEIR BETTERS."^ 
 
 u I fay, beware, ye underftrapping cut-throats, who Walk in rags, and 
 fleep midft Jiltb and vermin ; for, if once the baiter gets round your flea~ 
 bitten necks, howling and confeiTing will come too late."j| 
 
 " You argue in the manner of the thieves and the pick-pockets, who 
 furmtfe, from a confcioufnefs of their own difhonefty, that all the world 
 is difhoneft. A WHORE will hardly believe that any woman is chafte ; 
 nor you, from a knowledge of your infincerity, that any prieft is fin- 
 Gere.'^ 
 
 " I wonder if he would fend his fift into the face of any cowardly, 
 lick-dufl lout that fliould propofe to him to make fuch a bale declarati- 
 on."** 
 
 u The fun of liberty bore with fuch violence on our ikulls as made us 
 dance the whirligig, like ducks under the tropics. "ff 
 
 u It has been faid, that the theatre ' is a fchooi of morality.' Pre- 
 cious feminary, where the work of generation is all but performed before 
 your eyes."^ 
 
 " Your paper is thrown about like puffs for curing the venereal disease 
 * * * you stinking, chop-fallen mortal, you know better." 
 
 " The rafcally printer firft contrives to get his paper into a number of 
 hands, and then notwithftanding bis hellish principles, he is fure to have 
 the advertifing cuftom of all the men of property, or nearly all."||jj 
 
 " The female Turban was firft introduced by a republican whore at 
 Paris, who put it on to obtain favour in the eyes of the Turkish embaf- 
 fudoiV'Hf 
 
 " Nothing fhort of a fmafhed mouth, a kick in the guts, of a (lamp 
 upon the fide of the head, can be a proper reply to fuch an exprellion."*** 
 
 " The poor, lifelefs, contemptible son of lampblack has again ventur- 
 ed to mow his smuggy front in opposition to me. What has tempted 
 him I know not. He fays, indeed, fomething about my perfonal re- 
 flections on him ; but, is it poffible for fuch a mean, time-ferving wretch 
 to have any feelings .?"fft 
 
 " There is a pettifogging pimp in this city, who has had the impu- 
 dence to declare that I ihall be RUINED. Poor defpicable fhrimp I 
 Stripped to my (hirt, and without a farthing in the world, I fliould be 
 
 * July n, 1798. f July 17, 1798. t July 27? 1798. 
 Auguft 5, 1798. || Sept. 7, 1798. 1 July 3, 1797. 
 
 ' May 27, 1798. ft Feb. 13, 1798. \\ March 10, 1798. 
 ;$ March 23, 1798. |||| May 2, 1798. fl May 18, 1798. 
 May 26, 1798. ftt Nov. 28, 1798. 
 
 #** 
 
30 APPENDIX. 
 
 better off than he is. At prefent I fliall not name him : but he will be 
 remembered. His name is on my black list, with which 1 will one day 
 or other aftonifli " a duped and indtu.ttcd world."* 
 
 " For my part, I cannot give expreflion to my feelings. If ever there 
 were perfect happiness in the world, I enjoy it at this moment. I fee 
 fmiles on the faces of all my friends, and I fee my scoundrel enemies 
 : .ng along, with their heads to the wall, and their eyes to the ground, 
 as if they were feeking for a sink-bole to creep in at. They are sea-sick : 
 may a Sangrado be their doctor !"f 
 
 " This was written by one of the greateft flic-devils (Madame Ro- 
 land) of the French revolution. Her cornute of a hufoand had the im- 
 pudence, in 1792, to addrefs a letter to the king, which was the war- 
 hoop to all the cannibals in the nation, and actually produced the af, 
 fault on his palace, which finally led to his deftruction. This letter was 
 from the pen of this mifchievous virago, who was, at laft, dungeoned 
 herfelf, and met with her juft reward under the guillotine, foon after 
 the carcafs of her bulley fpoufe was found half eaten by the birds of 
 prey, in the forefts of Normandy ,-What the flippant political flirew 
 has laid, in the above extract, may be true, or it may be be falfe."| 
 
 " Charles Fox has retired from parliament and the hard rubs of pub- 
 lic life, to the arms of an old woman, who has kindly taken him 
 
 into keeping. Hard indeed muft be the female's lot, who is compelled 
 to hire the favours of a caricature of the human fhape." 
 
 " I like much this SCOUNDREL'S calling his letter a kind of sup- 
 plement tj the New Annual Register. It is exceedingly chapcteriftic of 
 the principles and views of that moft partial and villainous publication, 
 which is conducted by a fectarian gang, and difperfed by a bookfeller 
 that merits the execration of mankind."|| 
 
 " And this is the convicted caitiff who fears he fliall be " degraded" 
 by being faid to be in a controverfy with me. A controversy ivitb the 
 DEVIL would do him too much honour."^ 
 
 " I remember, that the great naturalift, TOM PAINE, obferves, in 
 fome one of his philofophical tracts, that the Children of Israel have 
 degenerated for want of crossing the breed ; but, matter Flinn feems to 
 hint that they are, at New York at leaft, endeavouring to recover the 
 ancient vigour of their race."** 
 
 " If hanging is fhortly revived, the Knights of the Post will be- 
 come a " distinguished order" in poor Pennfylvania."tt 
 
 " You low-lived, skulking calumniators 1 You really believed the tales, 
 did you ; and thought that you, in your turn, might venture to bark 
 and take a fnap ? I'll drive you back slinking to your kennel hiftoricai 
 and commercial. "J{ 
 
 " The poor Baltimorians now ft and gaping at each other, like a fa*, 
 mily of chuckle-headed children.' 1 ^ 
 
 " And fo the rafcals would, if it' had been to damn their fathers and 
 
 1 Nov. 29, 1798. f Nov. 30, 1798. \ March 14, 1798, 
 
 July 27, 1798. || Aug. 20, 1798. f Sept. i, 1798. 
 
 Au - 3> J 79S tt Dec. 16, 1797. ft Feb. 13, 1798, 
 5 Sept. 15, 1798. 
 
APPENDIX. 3 i 
 
 mothers, A pretty fet of blackguards, to take an oath to free the ocean 
 and unshackle commerce ' They are perjured as dead as mutton ; that's 
 a clear cafe ; and, were I a magiftrate, I would have all their ears 
 cropped in lefs than a week."* 
 
 " I'll engage they get but little fleep for fome weeks to come ; for, 
 though the froft fliould keep the fleas, and bugs in their Winter's quar- 
 ters, yet malice, envy, rage, will keep them awake."f 
 
 " Their degraded opponents will be rotting by the high way fide, or 
 stinking on gibbets, or wandering through foreign lands, loaded with mi- 
 fery, and expelled from every fociety where infamy is not the neceffary 
 requifite for admiflion. Already they begin to be ftigmatlzed as the re- 
 fuse of nations."^ 
 
 " He is an m-looking devil. Plis eyes never get above your knees. 
 He is of a fallow complexion, hollow-cheeked, dead-eyed, and has a 
 tonte en semble, juft like that of a fellow who has been about a week or 
 ten days in a gibbet. "$ 
 
 " That's a good haul, fays JOHN BULL. Put in your pouch, 
 John ; there's a good fellow, and dont fquander it away upon a neft of 
 German and Dutch and Italian rascals. Stop 'till markets are low, 
 John, and then buy Brcft or Toulon or Dunkirk with it. But get fure 
 poffeffion before you pay."|| 
 
 u At the time when Charley Fox got kicked out of the Cabinet, there 
 was a caricature, called "-Renard's last Shift," in which this animal is 
 reprefented as taking flicker undtr a certain Duchess's PETTICOATS. 
 Poor Renard is rather too old now to receive fuch protection, and there- 
 fore it is to be feared, he muft be worried to death by his hunters, or 
 retire and quietly expire in his den. "5 
 
 " How long, in the devil's name, has it been the fafhion for the CI- 
 TIZENS to give their inftru&ions by BATTALIONS ?"** 
 
 " The wretch has a mod thief-like look. He is ragged, dirty, has a 
 down-caft with his eyes, leans his head towards one fide as if his neck 
 had had a ftretch, and goes along working his fhoulders up and down 
 with evident figns of anger against the fleas and //ce."ft 
 
 " What an ugly monfter he muft be when he howls. In the moft 
 pleafant mould of his features he is ugly enough of all confcience ; but 
 when he cries he muft be a very fright. If / were to publifh a paper in 
 London, / would never call this WHIG CLUB anything but a GANG. 
 I would treat them as mifcreants, and, / think, / could foon procure 
 them like treatment from the people in general. "\\ 
 
 " But BELLAMY, though a villain, is a fool, and has written a letter 
 which makes againft his mafters rather than for them. It is curious 
 to fee how the auki'jard rascal lies backwards and forwards ; how he 
 jungles and shuffles to and again ; how he flounces about like a buzzard 
 in a net."$ 
 
 * Dec. 22, 1797. t Feb. 24, 1798. \ Jan. 21, 1799. 
 
 Nov. x6, 1797. || Sept. 2, 1797. f Jan. 12, 1798. 
 
 ** Sept. 12, 1797. .ft Sept. 17, 1798. # Sept. 17, 1798. 
 
 oa. 10, 1798. 
 
32 APPENDIX. 
 
 " After the reader has perufed the above, and curfed the infamour 
 villains with becoming emphafis, &c."* 
 
 " Lucifer from the flames of hell, did not look with more malice to- 
 wards the throne of the Mod High, than they do now towards the 
 throne of George the Third. Let them writhe in anguifh 1 let vultures 
 tear their ferpent hearts l"f 
 
 " Silly wretches ! Thus do they dance to the cracked fiddle of the 
 Parifian mountebanks ; and they will continue the mazy cotillion, while 
 there is a plank that's uncaptured or a ftiver unexpended. "| 
 
 ** Did I not always tell you fo ; Eh, am I not a fortune-teller ? 
 Confefs, you fhort-fighted mortals, that you are mere boobies. Confefs 
 it, and I will pardon all your trimming rafcallity." 
 
 " Unlefs they turn out and clap their moulders to tht wheel, I mod 
 fincerely wifh they may next be reprefented by a Chimney Sweep."|| 
 
 " However, if I muft prefc.ribe a remedy I muft. I would, then, 
 recommend confinement, in the fird place : adly, his drink fhould be 
 water, and his food bullocks liver ferved out with a fp;irmg hand : sdly, 
 he fhould be conftantly employed in that polite and healthy exercife, 
 beating of hemp, till fuch time as he is capable of making a rope ; and, 
 4thly, to complete the cure, he mould be decently tucked up in his own 
 m anu f a 6lu r e . " 1 
 
 " Much good may it do them, as the old miller faid, when the thieves 
 carried off his baiter."** 
 
 u It is wrong in fuch a man as Fenno, to abandon, even in a joke, hh 
 fuperiority over a dull-edged, dull-eyed, haggard-looking, hireling of 
 France." ft 
 
 u PASTORET, the fellow who made this propofition, is a cunning 
 fcoundrel, but he and his blackguard colleagues are very much miftaken, 
 if they think to blind the prefent or the future generation by the erec- 
 tion of a monument or the nicknaming of a fquare."|^ 
 
 " The devil can quote plays as well as fcripture, we fee. This Grat- 
 tan is as great a rafcal as Charles Fox or Home Tooke, and yet he talks 
 of his country."$ 
 
 " A DEMOCRAT (for fuch I am fure he is) who calls me " Peter 
 Porkepin," and whofe dirty paper is a fufficient fign of his poverty, is 
 informed, that, by coming up my back yard every afternoon about two 
 o'clock, he may find a pretty good meal, as I keep neither hogs nor 
 dogs."|||| 
 
 " It would be mere nonfenfe for the man to go out and lay off and on 
 fucking his fingers."*** 
 
 " No, no, if you mean to have my company, get me half a dozen 
 democrats stu/ed with straw. Nevermind their being of jour own 
 tribe. In thefe degenerated days, dog eats dog, and furgeon flays fur- 
 geon, when he can get no other fubjedt. 'Take my advice : throw out 
 
 * Nov. 5, 1798. t Dec. 7, 1798. J Jan. 20, 1798. 
 
 Jan. 30, 1798. || Feb. 7, 1798. 
 
 ** April 5, 1798. ft July 27, 1797- tt Au - 8 > *797' 
 
 May 22, 1797. HH *** May 25, 1798. 
 
APPENDIX- 33 
 
 your fnakes and your aligators, and replace them by the more venomous 
 brutes above mentioned : if my readers have condefcended to fwallow 
 dead fmall-beer, they ought not, for that reafon, to be drenched with 
 ditch-water."* 
 
 " As fwine are faid to be fond of mufic in fnowy weather, 1 have 
 compofed the following little da capo air for the fole ufe of the M' Langs 
 of New York. They at prefent make fuch a vile monotone grunting 
 in their newf-paper, that I am perfuaded thofe who have the misfortune 
 to live near their fty, will think themfelves much obliged to me, if I 
 can change it into a fqueak or a whine."t 
 
 " A United Irishman, if he calls at my {hop, will find his performance 
 unprinted and almoft unread ; and my boy will, befides, give him a groat 
 to buy a cord, which he will pleafe to employ for the benefit of focie- 
 ty."| 
 
 " This gentleman is fadly hampered between his firsts and ones and 
 his Decembers and Novembers. He works and drives about like a poor 
 fly in a cup of treacle. I am not diverted with the turmoilings of an 
 unfortunate purblind creature, whether man or fly." 
 
 " Now, what do thefe garret birds deferve for this ? Two contemp- 
 tible animals that live on garlic and cheefe ; and that are, I dare fwear, 
 bitten raw-boned with the bugs, have here had the effrontery to vilify 
 me and my friends. "|| 
 
 " I'd fooner have a fon of mine under the tuition of a COMMON 
 THIEF, than fend him amongft this rafcally feditious crew." 
 
 " This joy muft not be looked upon as infpired merely by the taking 
 a privateer of twelve guns and feventy lousy carmagnoles." 
 
 " The Infurance Company of this city have come to a refolution not 
 to infure any veflel or cargo bound to a French port I I almoft think I 
 hear the fans-culottes' guts grumble at the very found of the news. 
 The Lord have mercy upon the poor Frogs now 1"H 
 
 " The tyrants know they have not veffels ; and that, if they had, 
 they would not dare to fhow their nofes out of port. They know that 
 they would reach hell much sooner than England ; and that, even if they 
 fhould reach it, their carcaffes would ferve to enrich the land, for which 
 purpofe / toisb they were not such skinny dogs as they are." 
 
 " BRUTUS'S effay is inadmiffible. I do not at all approve of this figna- 
 ture. The BRUTUSES were great fcoundrels ; one was the murderer 
 of his children, and the other the affaflin of his friend. Such a figna- 
 ture therefore, becomes no writer, except an unnatural, ungrateful, 
 bloody-minded French republican."** 
 
 " This is the day which the oppofition (or French faction) were de- 
 termined to try their ftrength, or rather their weaknefs. The fat Bed- 
 fordshire Ox, made a motion in the houfe of lords, for the dismission of 
 his majestf s ministers ; which after a very long debate, was negatived, 
 113 to 13. Lord Grenville's speech, on this occafion, which has reach- 
 
 * May 5, 1798. t Jan. 30, 1798. \ Jan. n, 1798. 
 Nov. 17, 1798- II Feb. 13, 1798. 1 May 28, 1798* 
 ** July 13? '797' 
 
34 APPENDIX. 
 
 cd me in the newfpapers and alfo in a pamphlet, / shall do myself the 
 honour to infert it in my paper in a day or two."* 
 
 " There is in Bradford's paper of this morning, an extraft from 
 DALLAS'S REPORTS (I wonder wbo the devil made him a Reporter) 
 refpedting contempt of court, which is at prefent the topic of all the 
 poor little coveys of chicken-hearted citizens. I know the meaning of 
 this extrad ; or, at leaft I know the reafon of Bradford's dear friend 
 caufing it to be publifhed at this time. To fpeak in the dang language, 
 I AM UP TO IT. Such bug-a-boos may do pretty well in fearing 
 sovereign citizens, but I can aflure the public, that they will never fcare 
 me."f 
 
 " O ! the unfpeakable excellence of this brayer's oracular organs ! 
 Not even the poffeffor's tumid eloquence could fufficiently eulogize them. 
 The reader is doubtlefs impatient to know their uncommon properties. 
 They ferve reader, for fy-flapfers ! they poffefs elafticity -they are 
 highly docile and obedient. Often does the parafite entertain his friends 
 by wagging and cracking his potent ears. The flies never inhabit his 
 little gallipot kennel, filthy as it is, by reafon of thefe his mortal and 
 deftroying Jlappers."^ 
 
 To the Right Hon. William Pitt, We. We. We. 
 
 < Befhrew my foul, fir, but I think it fomewhat hard, that a good 
 old faithful foldier, who has {lept for months on the cold earth, who has 
 a thoufand times ventured his life, and who has, perhaps, loft his eyes 
 or half h.s limbs m His Majefty's fervice ; I think it hard, fi r , that 
 fuch a man fhould receive only seven pounds ten shilling a yen tension, 
 while the heirs of a rafcally old waggon-master, receive fiftv pounds a 
 year, and curse the king with his morfel in their mouths. 
 
 You, and all England, {hall hear more of this ungrateful brood here.' 
 after, m the mean time, 
 
 I am, Sir, 
 
 Your moft humble, 
 
 and moft obedient fervant, 
 November 23, 1797. p. PORCUPINE." 
 
 C. PAGE 14. 
 Line 99. Republics and their friends decry. 
 
 ^ Heavenly God ! where are we, and what are we become ? Is this 
 the fpirit of republicanism, or is it the fpirit of slavery ; or do they both 
 mean the same tbin% .?"$ 
 
 " To be fure, this writer, though a very ' good republican,' was a 
 very e;reat rafcal ; but no one will call in queftion his knowledge of the 
 affairs of France and America, when informed that his name is BRIS- 
 
 ior/1 
 
 * June i, 1798. f Oct. 24, 1797. J Oa. 26, 1797. 
 Nov. 29, 1797. || Sept. 8, 1797. 
 
APPENDIX. 
 
 35 
 
 REPUBLICAN INGRATITUDE IS PROVERBIAL."* 
 
 " The following addrefs, drawn up and agreed to by the people of 
 BUXTON, in the diftrift of Maine, furpaffes in viknefs, any thing I 
 have feen among the NEWFANGLED REPUBLICANS ; and that 
 is saying a qreat deal, I am sure."? 
 
 " WHEN I SUSPECT A REPUBLICAN OF MODESTY, 
 may my fenfes forfake me, and my tongue cleave to the roof of my 
 mouth !"| 
 
 " The French affifting the l tyrant of Sardinia' to quell the seditious 
 fpirit of his subjects, is all that was wanted to complete THE FARCE 
 OF REPUBLICANISM.'^ 
 
 " Oh ! the manifold bleffings of LIBERTY and EQUALITY and 
 REPUBLICANISM."!! 
 
 u Gracious God 1 if this be independence, if this be the lot of a so- 
 vereign citizen, make me, I pray thee, the subject of fome dependent 
 ftate."f 
 
 " Is it thus, then, to be a REPUBLICAN ? Perdition light on me, 
 if I would not fooner be transformed into the moft loathfome of creeping 
 things, than walk erect with the groveling foul of 1" ** 
 
 " This is taken from the Portland Gazette, and it is, as far as I can 
 recollect, the firft inftance of political candour, that I ever met with in 
 a thorough-paced REPUBLICAN newf-monger. Men of this {lamp 
 are generally upon the shift. They will, with the utmofl unconcern, 
 range through all the mazes of inconfiftency, and have ever a flock of 
 excufes at command on whatever fpot you detect them. The Editor of 
 the BOSTON CENTINEL, for inftance, like feveral others of the fame 
 cafl, who formerly invoked the vengeance of Heaven on * the tyrant 
 George,' for his hoftility againft the republic of France, now tell you 
 that they heartily wim him fuccefs againft that very republic France ; 
 not becaufe they have changed their principles, or are actuated by any 
 selfish motive ; but, becaufe the fifter republic has changed her princi- 
 ples and motives, Ihe being formerly fighting for liberty, and the * ty- 
 rant George,' againft it ; whereas fhe is now fighting againft this precious 
 commodity of the republican mop, and the ' tyrant George,' for it."tt 
 
 " By the following intelligence from Bafle, it would appear, that the 
 poor degraded and ruined Swifs are beginning to curl up their heads 
 again. Appearances, however, may be deceitful, and, I muft confefs, 
 that little hope is to be entertained from the difcontents of fo bafe a 
 people. They are contaminated with Rights of Man principles, and 
 that is enough. They can never again be restored to any thing like a 
 state of honourable independence, while they retain EVEN THE 
 
 NAME OF A REPUBLIC."}* 
 
 > 
 
 * Nov. 21, 1798. t Aug. 13, 1798. \ Nov. 15, 1798. 
 Oft. 25, 1797. !! Sept. 25, 1797. f Dec. 7, 1798. 
 
 ** Dec. i, 1798. ft Sept. 6, 1798. \\ Dec. 7, 1798. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
920389 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY