m
■-im-::s^^:fti\
OLD ENGLISH PLAYS.
VOL. III.
NEW CUSTOM. 'EALFH ROISTER DOISTER.
. GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
A SELECT COLLECTION
OLD ENGLISH PLAYS.
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY ROBERT DODSLEY
IN THE TEAR 1 744-
FO UR TH EDITION,
NOW FIKST CHRONOLOGICALLY ARRANGED, REVISED AND ENLARGED
WITH THE NOTES OF ALL THE COMMENTATORS
AND NEW NOTES
W. CAREW HAZLITT.
VOLUME THE THIRD.
LONDON:
REEVES AND TURNER, 196 STRAND
AND 185 FLEET STREET.
1874.
PR
v. 3
NEW CUSTOM,
VOL, III.
*><>.« j Iff -S^-^jlf
A Neiv Enterlude, no lesse wittie then pleasant, entituled
new Custome, deuised of late, and for diuerse causes
nowe setforthe, newer before this tyme imprinted. 1573.
\Gol.'\ Imprinted at London, in Fleete strete, by William
How for Abraham Veale, divelling in Paules churche-
yarde at the signe of the Lambe. Ato, B. L.
DODSLEY'S PREFACE.
I HAVE not been able to discover who was the author
of this piece. But I think it is one of the most remark-
able of our ancient moralities, as it was wrote purposely
to vindicate and promote the Reformation. It was
printed in 1573, and contrived so that four people
might act it ; this was frequently done for the con-
venience of such as were disposed to divert or improve
themselves, by representing these kinds of entertain-
ments in their own houses.
[The authorship of "New Custom" remains undis-
covered. It is a piece which may have been written a
few years before it was printed, and is one of the
dramatic efforts in furtherance of the Reformation. At
the same time, there is no apparent foundation for the
hypothesis that the morality was in existence any great
length of time before the date of publication,]
THE PLAYERS' NAMES IN THIS INTERLUDE BE
THESE.
The Prologue.
Perverse Doctrine, an old Popish Priest.
Ignorance, another, hut elder.
New Custom, a Minister.
Light of the Gospel, a Minister.
Hypocrisy, an old Woman.
Cruelty, a Euffler.^
Avarice, a JRuffler.
Edification, a Sage.
Assurance, a Virtue.
God's Felicity, a Sage.
FOUR MAY PLAY THIS INTERLUDE.
{ New Custom.
1. Perverse Doctrine. 3. < Avarice.
( Assurance.
Light op the Gospel.
Cruelty.
God's Felicity.
The Prologue.
Ignorance,
Hypocrisy,
and Edification.
f
^ A cheating bully, so called in several Acts of Parlia-
ment during the reign of King Henry the Eighth. — S.
THE PROLOGUE.
All tilings be not so as in sight they do seem,
Whatsoever they resemble, or whatever men deem.
For if our senses in their own objects us do fail
Sometimes, then our judgment shall but little avail
In some things, as such, where doubt giveth denial
Of them in the best wise to make any trial.
Which saying is evident, as well shall appear
In tliis little interlude, which we present here ;
Wliereby we may learn how grossly we err.
Taking one thing for another, which differ so far.
As good doth from bad. Example therefore
You may take by these persons, if you mark no
more.
For the primitive constitution, which was first
appointed
Even by God himself and by Christ liis annointed ;
Confirmed by tli' Apostles, and of great antiquity :
See, how it is perverted by man's wicked iniquity,
To be called New Custom or New Constitution,
Surely a name of too much ungodly abusion.
Which our author, indifferently scanning in his
mind,
In his simple opinion this cause he doth find :
That, by reason of ignorance which bearetli great
sway.
And also stubborn doctrine, which shutteth up the
way
To all good instruction and knowledge of right :
6 THE PROLOGUE.
No marvel it was, though of the truth we were
ignorant quite.
For truly in such a case the matter was but small
To make the ignorant soul to credit them all,
Whatsoever they said, were it truth or a lie.
For no man able was then to prove them the con-
trary.
Wherefore their own fancies they set in great price.
Neglecting the true way, like men far unwise.
Making semblant of antiquity in all that they did.
To th' intent that their subtlety by such means
might be hid.
New Custom also hath he named this matter verily.
In consideration that the people so speaketh com-
monly,
Confuting the same by reasons most manifest,
Which in consequent order of talk are exprest.
This sense hath our author followed herein, as we
said,
For other meaning : moreover he will not have it
denayed.
But diverse may invent much distant from this,
Wliich in no wdse he will have prejudicial to his.
Nor liis unto theirs, whatsoever they be.
For many heads, many wits,^ we do plainly see.
Only he desireth this of the worshipful audience :
To take in good part without all manner offence,
Whatsoever shall be spoken, marking the intent.
Interpreting it no otherwise but as it was meant.
And for us, if of patience you list to attend.
We are ready to declare you the matter to the end.
FINIS PROLOG!.
^ [A common proverb, of which there are varying versions ;
but the original is quot liomines, &c.]
NEW CUSTOM
ACTUS L, SC^NA 1.
Perverse Doctrine and Ignorance enter.
Perv. Doc. It is even so indeed, the world was
never in so e\dl a state ;
But this is no time for us of these matters to debate.
It were good we invented some politic way
Our matters to address in good orderly stay.
And for us reason would we looked to ourselves.
Do you not see Iioav these new-fangled prattling
elves
Prink up so pertly of late in every place,
And go about us ancients flatly to deface 1
As who should say in short time, as well learned
as we,
As wise to the world, as good they might accounted
be,
Nay, nay, if many years and grey hairs do know
no more.
But that every peevish boy hath even as much wit
in store :
By the mass, then, have I lived too long, and I
would I were dead.
If I have not more knowledge than a thousand of
them in my head,
8 NEW CUSTOM.
For how should they have learning that were born
but even now 1
As fit a sight it were to see a goose shod or a
saddled cow,
As to hear the prattling of any such Jack Straw,
For, when he hath all done, I count him but a very
daw.
As in London not long since, you wot well where,
They rang to a sermon, and we chanced to be there.
Up stert the preacher, I think not past twenty
years old.
With a sounding voice and audacity bold,
And began to revile at the holy sacrament and
transubstantiation :
I never heard one knave or other make such a
declaration.
But, if I had had the boy in a convenient place.
With a good rod or twain, not past one hour's
space.
I would so have scourged my merchant,^ that his
breech should ache.
So long as it is since that he those words spake.
What, young men to be meddlers in divinity ? it
is a goodly sight !
Yet therein now almost is every boy's delight.
No book now in their hands, but all scripture,
scripture :
Eitlier the whole Bible or the New Testament, you
may be sure.
The New Testament for them 1 and then too for
Coll my dog ! ^
^ Merchant was anciently used as we now use the word
chap. See note on "Romeo and Juliet," A. 2, S. 4. —
i^teevens.
^ Cowle or rather coll [Coll] I suppose to be the name of
the do^. — Steevens,
Coide my dog, I am inclined to believe, means put a coid
NEW CUSTOM. 9
Tills is tlie old proverb — to cast pearls to an hog.
Give them that which is meet for them, a racket
and a ball,
Or some other trifle to busy their heads withal :
Playing at quoits or nine-holes,^ or shooting at
butts.
There let them be, a God's name, till their hearts
ache and their guts !
Let us alone with divinity, which are of riper age.
Youth is rash, they say, but old men hath the
knowledge.
For while they read they know not what, they
omit the verity,
And that is now the cause so many fall into heresy,
Every man hath his own way, some that and some
this.
It would almost for anger (sir reverence ! -) make a
man to piss,
To hear what they talk of in open communication,
or hood on a dog, and he will be as learned as a friar : the
contempt into which the order had at this period fallen will
at least countenance the explanation, if it should not be
thought sufhcient to prove it. I once was of opinion, that
there might be an allusion to the case of one Collins, a crazy
man, who seeing a priest hold up the host over his head,
lifted up a dog in the same manner, for which both he and
the animal were burnt in 1538. See Fox, vol. ii. 436.
My conjecture requires a little explanation. The speaker
means to say, "If the New Testament is fit for the use of
boys, so likewise is it adapted equally to the conception of
Coll my dog. The one will understand and make a proper
use of it as soon as the other." — Stcevens. [What will be
thought of the preceding note, I hardly know ; the text is
the clearer.]
1 By the Stat. 33 Hen. VIII. c. 9, s. 16, a penalty is im-
posed on certain persons therein mentioned, who should
play at the tables, tennis, dice, cards, bowls, clash, coyting,
logating, or other unlawful game.
2 Perhaps a contraction of save your reverence. — Steevens.
10 NEW CUSTOM.
Surely I fear me, Ignorance, tliis gear will make
some desolation.
Ignorance. I fear the same also ; but as touching
that whereof you speak full well,
They have revoked divers old heresies out of hell.
As against transubstantiation, purgatory, and the
mass,
And say that by scrij)ture they cannot be brought
to pass.
But that which ever hath been a most true and
constant opinion.
And defended also hitherto by all of our religion,
That I, Ignorance, am the mother of true devo-
tion,
And Knowledge the author of the contrary affec-
tion :
They deny it so stoutly as though it were not so ;
But this hath been believed many an hundred year
ago.
^\Tierefore it grieveth me not a little that my case
should so stand.
Thus to be disproved at every prattler's hand.
Perv. Doc. Yea, doth 1 then the more unwise
man you, as I trow,
For they say as much by me, as you well do know.
And shall I then go vex myself at their talk ?
No, let them speak so long as their tongues can
walk.
They shall not grieve me, for why in very sooth
It were folly to endeavour to stop every man's
mouth.
They have brought in one, a young upstart lad, as
it appears,
I am sure he hath not been in the realm very many
years,
With a gathered frock, a polled head and a broad
hat.
NEW CUSTOM. 11
An unshaved beard, a pale face ; and he teaclieth
that
All our doings are nought, and hath been many a
day.
He disalloweth our ceremonies and rites, and
teacheth another way
To serve God, than that which we do use.
And goeth about the people's minds to seduce.
It is a pestilent knave, he will have priests no
corner-cap to wear ;^
Surplices are superstition : beads, paxes, and such
other gear,
Crosses, bells, candles, oil, bran, salt, spettle, and
incense,
With censing and singing, he accounts not worth
three-halfpence,
And cries out on them all (if to repeat them I wist)
Such holy things, wherein our religion doth con-
sist.
But he commands the service in English to be
read,
^ Fox, in the third volume of his " Acts and Monu-
ments," p. 131, says: "Over and besides divers other
things touching M. Rogers, this is not to be forgotten, how,
in the daies of King Edward the Sixth, there was a con-
troversie among the Bishops and Clergie for weanng of
priests caps, and other attyre belonging to that order.
Master Rogers, being one of that number which never went
otherwise than in a round cap during all the time of King
Edward, affirmed that he would not agree to that decree-
ment of uniformitie, but upon this condition, that if they
would needs have such an uniformitie of wearing the cap,
tippet, &c., then it should be decreed withall, that the
papists, for a difTerence betwixt them and others, should be
constrained to weare upon their sleeves a chalice with an
host upon it. Whereunto if they would consent, he would
agree to the other, otherwise he would not, he said, consent
to the setting forth of the same, nor ever weare the cap ;
nor indeed he never did."
12 NEW CUSTOM.
And for the Holy Legend ^ the Bible to put in his
stead,
Every man to look thereon at his list and pleasure,
Every man to study divinity at his convenient
leisure,
With a thousand new guises more you know as
well as I.
And to term him by his right name, if I should
not lie.
It is New Custom, for so they do him call,
Both our sister Hypocrisy, Superstition, Idolatry
and all.
And truly me-thinketh, they do justly and wisely
therein.
Since he is so diverse, and so lately crept in.
Ignorance. So they call him indeed, you have
said right well,
Because he came newly from the devil of hell.
New Custom, quoth you 1 now a vengeance of his
new nose.
For bringing in any such unaccustomed glose !
For he hath seduced the people by mighty great
flocks :
Body of God, it Avere good to set the knave in the
stocks.
Or else to whip him for an example to all rogues
as he.
How they the authors of new heresies be.
Or henceforth do attempt any such strange devise :
Let him keep himself from my hands, if he be wise.
If ever I may take him within my reign.
He is sure to have Avhipping there for liis pain.
For he doth much harm in each place throughout
the land.
1 I suppose the " Legenda Aurea," the " Golden Legend"
of Jacobus de Voragine. — Steevens.
NEW CUSTOM. 13
Wherefore, Perverse Doctrine, here needeth your
hand :
I mean that ye be diligent in any case,
If ye fortune to come, where New Custom is in
place,
So to use the \'illain, you know what I mean,
That in all points you may discredit him clean ;
And when he begins of an}i.hing for to clatter,
Of any controversy of learning or divinity matter,
So to cling fast unto every man's thought,
That his words may seem heresy, and his doings
but nought.
Perv. Doc. Tush, let me alone Avith that, for I
have not so little Avit,
But I have practised tliis abeady, and mind also
to do it.
Yet a further device I have, I think, not amiss.
Hearken to me, Ignorance, for the matter is tliis :
For the better accomplishing our subtlety pre-
tended,^
It were expedient that both our names were
amended ;
Ignorance shall be Simplicity, for that comes ver>-
nigh;
And for Perverse Doctrine I will be called Sound
Doctrine, I.
And now that Ave are both in such sort named,
We may go in any place, and ncA^er be blamed.
See then you remember your name, sir Simplicity,
And me at every word Sound Doctrine to be ;
Beware of tripping, but look in mind that you
bear
Your feigned name, and Avhat before you Avere.
But Avho is this that hitherward doth Avalk ?
Let us stand still, to hear what he Avill talk.
1 [Intended.]
14: NEW CUSTOM.
ACTUS I., SC^NA 2.
New Custom entereth alone.
New Cus. When I consider tlie ancient times
before,
That have been'these eight hundred years and more,
And those confer with these our later days,
My mind do these displease a thousand ways.
For sure he, that hath both j)erceived aright,
Will say they differ as darkness doth from light.
For then plain-dealing bare away the prize ;
All things were ruled by men of good advice;
Conscience prevailed much, even everywhere ;
No man deceived his neighbour and eke a thing
full rare
It was to iind a man you might not trust ;
But look what once they promised, they did that
well and just.
If neighbours were at variance, they ran not straight
to law :
Daysmen ^ took up the matter, and cost them not
a straw,
Such delight they had to kill debate and strife ;
And surely even in those days was there more
godlier life.
^ i.e., Umpires. So Spenser —
"For what art thou
That makst thyself his daysman, to prolong
The vengeance past?" — Faerie Queene. — &
A days-man, says Kay, in his "Collection of J^orth
Country Words," p. 25, is "an arbitrator, an umpire or
judge. For, as Dr Hammond observes in his Annotation
on Heb. x. 25, p. 752, the word day, in all languages and
idioms, signifies judgment. So man's day, 1 Cor. iii. 13,
is the judgment of men. So dkmdicere in Latin is to im-
plead."
NEW CUSTOM. 15
Howbeit men of all ages are wonted to dispraise
The wickedness of time that flourished at their
days.
As well he may discern, who for that but lightly
looks,
In every leaf almost of all their books.
For as for Christ our master, what he thought of
Jews,
And after him th' apostles, I think it is no news.
Perv. Doc. Hark, Simplicity, he is some
preacher, I ^vill lay my gowT^i ;
He mindeth to make a sermon within this town.
He speaketh honestly yet ; but surely, if he rail at
me,
I may not abide him, by the mass, I promise thee.
New Cus. Paul to the Corintliians plainly doth
tell,
That their behaviour pleased him not well.
All our forefathers likewise have been offended
With divers faults at their time, that might have
been amended.
The doctors of the church great fault they did find.
In that men lived not after their mind :
First with the rulers as examples of sin.
Then with the people as continuing therein :
So that of them both this one thing they thought,
That the people was not good, but the rulers were
nought.
But in comparison of this time of misery,
In those days men lived in perfect felicity.
Saint Paul prophesied that worse times should
ensue.
In novissimis venient quidam, saith he, tliis is true.
Following all mischief, ungodliness and evil.
Leaning to all wickedness and doctrine of the devil ;
And spake he not of these days, think you, I pray ?
The proof is so plain that no man can denay :
16 NEW CUSTOM.
For this is sure, that never in any age before
Naughtiness and sin hath heen practised more,
Or half so much, or at all, in respect so I say,
And is now (God amend all) at this present day :
Sin now no sin, faults no faults a whit :
God, seest thou this, and yet Mdlt suffer it 1
Surely thy mercy is great ; but yet our sins, I fear,
Are so great, that of justice with them thou canst
not bear.
Adultery no \ice, it is a thing so rife,
A stale jest now to lie with another man's wife !
For what is that but dalliance 1 Covetousness they
call
Good husbandry, when one man would fain have
all.
And eke alike to that is unmerciful extortion,
A sin in sight of God of great abhomination :
For pride, that is now a grace ; for round about
The humble-spirited is termed a fool or a lout.
Whoso will be so drunken, that he scarcely know-
eth his way,
0, he is a good fellow, so now-a-days they say.
Gluttony is hospitality, while they meat and drink
spill.
Which would relieve diverse whom famine doth
kill.
As for all charitable deeds, they be gone, God
know'th ;
Some pretend lack, but the cliief cause is sloth :
A vice most outrageous of all others sure.
Right hateful to God, and contrary to nature.
Scarce blood is punished but even for very shame.
So make they of murther but a trifling game.
O, how many examples of that horrible vice
Do daily among us now spring and arise !
But thanks be to God that such rulers doth send,
Which earnestly study that fault to amend :
NEW CUSTOM. 17
As by the sharp punisliment of that wicked crime
We may see that committed was but of late time.
God direct their hearts they may always continue
Such just execution on sin to ensue ;
So shall be saved the life of many a man,
And God will withdraw his sore plagues from us
then.
Theft is but policy, perjury but a face.
Such is now the world, so far men be from grace.
But what shall I say of religion and knowledge
Of God, which hath been indifferent in each age
Before this ? howbeit his faults then it had,
And in some points then was culpable and bad.
Surely this one thing I may say aright :
God hath rejected us away from him quite.
And given us up Avholly unto our own thought,
Utterly to destroy us, and bring us to nought :
For do they not follow the inventions of men ?
Look on the primitive church, and tell me then,
Whether they served God in this same wise,
Or whether they followed any other guise 1
For since God's fear decayed, and h^'pocrisy crept in.
In hope of some gains and lucre to win.
Cruelty bare a stroke, who with fagot and iire
Brought all things to pass that he did desire.
Next avarice spilt all, which, lest it should be spied,
Hypocrisy ensued the matter to hide.
Then brought they in their monsters, their masses,
their light.
Their torches at noon to darken our sight :
Their popes and their pardons, their purgatories
for souls :
Their smoking of the church and flinging of coals.
Ignorance. Stay yet a while, and let us hear
more communication.
Perv. Doc. I cannot, by God's soul, if I might
have all this nation.
VOL III. B
18 NEW CUSTOM.
Shall I suffer a knave thus to rail and prate ?
Nay then, I pray God, the devil break my pate !
I will be revenged, ere he depart away —
Ah, sirrah, you have made a fair speak here to-day,
Do you look for any reward for your deed 1
It were good to beat thee, till thy head bleed.
Or to scourge thee well-favouredly at a cart's tail.
To teach such an whoreson to blasiiheme and rail
At such holy mysteries and matters so high,
As thou speakest of now, and rail'dst at so lately !
New Cus. What mean ye, sir, or to whom do
you speak ?
Art you minded on me your anger to wreak,
Which have not offended, as far as I know 1
Perv. Doc. I speak to thee, knave ; thou art
mad, I trow.
What meanest thou to rail right now so contemp-
tuously
At the chiefest secrets of all divinity 1
New Cus. Verily I railed not, so far as I can
tell,
I spake but advisedly, I know very well ;
For I will stand to it, whatsoever I said.
Perv. Doc. Wilt thou so ] but I will make thee
well apaid,^
To recant thy words, I hold thee a pound.
Before thou depart hence out of this ground.
New Cus. No, that shall you not do, if I die
therefore.
Perv. Doc. Thou shalt see anon, go to, prattle
no more.
But tell me the effect of the words which were said.
New Cus. To recite them again, I am not
afraid :
^ Well content. In Psalm Ixxxiii. ver. 8, we have —
" And Assur eke is well apaid.
With them in league to be."
NEW CUSTOM. il9
I said that the mass, and sucli trumpery as that,
Popery, purgatory, pardons, were flat
Against God's word and primitive constitution,
Crept in through covetousness and superstition
Of late years, through blindness, and men of nt»
knowledge ;
Even such as have been in every age,
Perv. Doc. Now, precious whoreson, thou hast
made a lie ;
How canst thou prove that, tell me by and by.
New Cus. It needeth small proof ; the effect
doth appear.
Neither this is any place for to argue here.
And, as for my saying, I hold the negative :
It Heth you upon to prove the affirmative ;
To show that such things were used in antiquity.
And then I can easily prove you the contrary.
Perv. Doc. Standest thou with me on school
points 1 dost thou so indeed 1
Thou hadst best to prove me whether I can read ;
Thinkest thou I have no logic, indeed thinkest
thou so 1
Yes, prinkocks, that I have ; for forty years ago
I could smatter in a Duns ^ prettily, I do not jest ;
Better I am sure than a hundred of you, Avhosoever
is the best.
New Cus. Truly I believe you, for in such fond
books
You spent idly your time and wearied your looks :
More better it had been in books of holy scripture.
Where as virtue is expressed, and religion pure.
To have passed your youth, as tlie Bible and such,
Than in these trifles to have doited so much ;
^ i.e., in the theological writings of Duns Scolics, who
obtained the title of Doctor Subtilis. — S. See also note 25
to "The Revenger's Tragedy."
20 NEW CUSTOM.
Not more to have regarded a Duns or a Questionist,
Than you would the words of the holy evangelist.
Perv. Doc. What, for a child to meddle with
the Bible ?
Np:w Cus. Yea, sure, more better than so to be
idle.
Perv. Doc. Is study then idleness? that is a
new term.
New Cus. They say better to be idle than to do
harm.
Perv. Doc. AVhat harm doth knowledge? I
pray thee, tell me.
New Cus. Knowledge pufFeth up, in Saint Paul
you may see.
Perv. Doc. Yea, but what knowledge meaneth
he ? tell me that.
New Cus. Even such knowledge as ye profess
flat;
For the truth and the gospel you have in contempt,
And follow such toys as yourselves do invent :
Forsaking God's laws and the apostle's institution
In all your proceedings and matters of religion.
Perv. Doc. By what speakest thou that, let
me hear thy judgment 1
. New Cus. Not by any guess, but by that which
is evident.
As for the scriptures, you have abolished clean ;
New fashions you have constitute in religion ; again,
Abuse of the sacraments than hath been to-fore,
Have you brought, and in number have you made
them more
Than Christ ever made : wherefore show your
auctority.
Or else have you done to the church great injury.
Th' apostles never taught your transubstantiation
Of bread into flesh, or any such fashion ;
Howbeit they were conversant every day and hour.
NEW CUSTOM. 21
And received that sacrament of Christ our Saviour.
You feign also that Peter was bishop of Rome,
And that he first instituted the seat of your Pope-
dom :
But, perverse nation, how dare you for shame
Your fancies on Christ and th' apostles to frame 1
Perv. Doc. Marry, avaunt, Jack-sauce and prat-
tling knave,
I will conjure thy coat, if thou leave not to rave.
With all my heart and a vengeance, come up and
be nought :
I see we shall have an heretic of thee, as I thought.
These things were approved, ere thou wast born,
dost thou not see ]
And shall be, when thou art hanged, I warrant thee.
New Cus. Ere I was born ! nay, sure that is
not true,
For in comparison of me they be but new.
Perv. Doc. Of thee ! ha, ha, ha ! what, of thee 1
thou art mad.
New Cus. Surely in my sort I am both sober
and sad.^
Perv. Doc. Why, how old art thou ? tell me, 1
pray thee heartily.
New Cus. Elder than you, I perceive.
Perv. Doc. What, older than I !
The young knave, by the mass, not fully thirty.
Would be elder than I, that am above sixty !
New Cus. A thousand and a half, that surely
is my age :
Ask and inc^uire of all men of knowledge.
Perv. Doc. A thousand years 1 God's precious
soul, I am out of my wits ;
He is possessed of some devil or of some evil
sp'rits.
1 [Serious.]
22 NEW CUSTOM.
Why, thou art a young knave of that sort, I say.
That brought into this realm but the other day
This new learning and these heresies, and such
other things mo,
With strange guises invented not long ago.^
And I pray thee tell me, is not thy name New
Custom ]
New Cus. Truly so I am called of some,
As of such as want both wit and understanding,
As you do now, I know by your talking :
But woe be to those that make no distinction
Between many things of diverse condition ;
As naught to be good, and hot to be cold.
And old to be new, and new to be old.
Wherefore these deceits you daily invent,
The people to seduce unto your advertisement,
While with tales you assay, and with lies you begin,
The truth to deface, and your credit to win.
Perv, Doc. What is thy name, then ? I pray
thee make declaration.
New Cus. In faith, my name is Primitive Con-
stitution.
Perv. Doc. Who 1 who, Prava Constitutio ? even
so I thought,
I wist that it Avas some such thing of nought. -
^ The original copy reads—
"With strange guises invented now long agoe."
But the sense seems to require the negative, which former
editors substituted for now. — C.
^ So in Hamlet : " The king is a thing of nothing." See
the Notes of Dr Johnson, Dr Farmer, and Mr Steevens
on that passage, edition of Shakspeare, 1778, vol. 10, p.
336. This play on the words was very common.
Again, in " The Humorous Lieutenant," A. iv. S. 6 —
" Shall, then, that thing that honours thee
How miserable a thing soever, yet a thing still,
And, the' a thing nfnolhing, thy thing ever.'
[Dyce's edit. vi. 516.]
NEW CUSTOM. 23
Like lettuce/ like lips ; a scabb'd horse for a scald
squire.
New Cus. Primitive Oonstitution I said, if you
hear,
Such orders as in the primitive church heretofore
Were used, but not now, the more pity therefore.
Perv. Doc. Ha, ha ! in good time, sir, well
might you fare. Primitive Constitution,
That is your true name, you say, without all delusion.
Primitive Constitution (quodestow -) as much as
my sleeve !
The devil on liim which will such liars believe !
For my part, if I credit such an hairy nowl,^
The foul fiend of hell fetch me, body and soul !
New Cus. Truth cannot prevail, where Ignorance
is in place.
Ignorance. Peace, or I will lay my beads on
thy face :
Hast thou nothing to rail at but Ignorance, I troAv 1
New Cus. You may use me even at your
pleasure, I know ;
For Perverse Doctrine, that is rooted so fast.
That it may not be changed at no heavenly blast,
May not hear the contrary, but beginneth to kick,
^ ^^ Similes habent labra lactucas. A thistle is a sallet fit
for an ass's mouth. We use Avhen we would signify that
things happen to people which are suitable to them, or
which they deserve ; as when a dull scholar happens to a
stupid or ignorant master, a froward wife to a peevish hus-
band, &c. Dignum patella operculum. Like priest, like
people, and on the contrary. These proverbs are always
taken in the worst sense. Tal came, tal cultello, Ital. Like
flesh, liks knife." [See Hazlitt's " Proverbs," &c., 1869, pp.
33, 2C3.J
^ [i.e., Quodest thou, or saidest thou.]
3 [Old copy and Dodsley, mowle. A hairy nowl is a
member of the reformed faith, as distinguished from the
shaven crowns of the priests.]
24r NEW CUSTOM.
Like a jade when he feeleth the spur for to prick.
Perv. Doc. Yea ! say'st thou so, thou miscreant
villain 1
A little thing would make me knock out thy brain :
Hence out of my sight away, jiacking, trudge !
Thou detestable heretic, thou caitiff, thou drudge ;
If I may take thee, it were as good thou were dead,
For even with this portace ^ I will batter thy head.
[A'xit New Custovi.
Though I hang therefore, I care not, I,
So I be revenged on a slave, ere I die.
Sacrament of God ! who hath heard such a knave 1
Who, after he had done at Ignorance to rave.
Perverse Doctrine (quod he) is also rooted so fast,
That he may be changed by no heavenly blast.
No, God's soul, I warrant him, I will see him
rotten,
Before that my doctrine I shall have forgotten :
Wherefore it behoveth us some counsel to take.
How we the stronger our matters may make,
Against the surprise of this new invasion.
Begun of late by this strange generation.
Of New Custom and his makes ;^ meaning to deface
1 Sometimes written portas, or portos, i.e., breviary — Du
CuTigc, in Portiforium. ^^ Portuasses, Mr Tyrwhitt observes
(Notes on Chaucer, ver. 13061), are mentioned among other
prohibited books in the Stat. 3 and 4 Edw. VI. c. 10. And
in the Parliament Roil of 7, Edw. IV. n. 40, there is a peti-
tion, that the robbing of Porteous, Gra3'ell, Manuell, &c.,
should be made felonie without clergy ; to which the King
answered, La Roy savisera."
The portuse is mentioned in Greene's "History of Fryer
Bacon and Fryer Bungay." [Works by Dyce, 1861, p. 162—]
" I II hamper up the match,
I'll take Taj portace forth, and wed you here."
^ Afake is used for mate throughout the works of Cower.
Shakspeare likewise, if I am not mistaken, employs it in
one of his sonnets. — S.
NEW CUSTOM. 25
Our ancient rites and religion, and to place
Their devilish doctrine the Gospel, and so
Our gains to debate, and ourselves to undo.
I think it best therefore that our sister Hypocrisy
Do understand fully of this matter by and by.
Let us go and seek her, the case for to show,
That we her good counsel may speedily know.
Ignorance. I am ready ; in following I will
not be slow. [Ejceimt.
ACTUS 11. , SCENA 1.
Light of the Gospel and New Custom eaier.
L. of Gospel. Doubt you nothing at all, for
God will so provide,
Who leaveth not liis elect to defend and to guide ;
That wherever I come, such grace you may find,
As shall in each point content well your mind.
And admit that they call you New Custom, wliat
then 1
Attribute that folly to the ignorance of men.
That follow their fancies, and know not the right
Well, you know where I come once, the Light
Of the Gospel, whose beams do glister so clear,
Then, Primitive Constitution, in each place you
appear ;
And as elsewhere you have been, so do not mistrust.
But in this place hereafter be received you must.
New Cus. According to your nature, so do you
very well
To put me in good hope, bright Light of the Gospel.
And seeing you be true, I may in no wise
Misdeem you the father or author of lies :
For if trust to the gospel do purchase perpetuance
Of life unto him, who therein hath confidence,
26 NEW CUSTOM.
What shall the liglit do, v/hose beams be so bright,
That in each respect all things else of light
Are but very darkness, and eke terrestrial ]
So the Light of the Gospel overshineth them all.
Wherefore "with great comfort I receive your
counsel,
With hearty thanks unto you, the Light of the
Gospel.
L. OF Gospel. Do so, and by faith then shall
you obtain
Whatsoever you desire, the scrij^ture saith plain :
For qtiicquid petieritis in nomine meo,
It must of truth needs be understood so :
That Avithout faith, whatsoever we fortune to crave.
We may not look for it our desire to have.
Faith moveth mountains, so it be pure faith indeed ;
By faith we obtain whatsoever we need.
Then faith shall restore to you more things than
this,
BelieA^e me, Primitive Constitution, Avhatsoever is
amiss.
But where be those reprobates, devoid of all grace.
Who lately misused you, as you said, in this place ]
New Cus. They be suddenly departed, 1 wot not
well Avhither ;
For I left them right now both here together.
They cannot be far hence, 1 know very well.
Where they be, there is none, it Ave ask, but can
tell.
L. OF Gospel. Do you know them again, if you
meet them aright 1
New Cus. Yea, sir, that I do, even at the first
sight.
L. OF Gospel. Then let us not tarry, but go
seek them straight.
New Cus. At hand I am ready on you for to
wait. [Exeunt.
NEW CUSTOM. 27
ACTUS II., SCENA 2.
Hypocrisy, Perverse Doctrine, and
Ignorance enter.
Hypocrisy. Perverse Doctrine, I say, take heed
in any sort.
That thou never believe whatsoever they report,
Though they of the Gospel never so much do preach,
Every man will not credit whatsoever they teach.
They will not say, all believe, Avhen they do not, I
promise thee :
For that time will never come in this world, trust
me.
Tush, tush, be thou busied in any case
To discredit their preaching in every place.
If they teach them one thing, then teach thou the
contrary ;
And if that no scripture for thy place thou have
ready,
In words that supply, which wanteth in reason,
For ill things applied sometime in good season,
As of better eftsoons do import the weight.
So they be Avell ordered by good policy and sleight.
Howbeit their doctrine be sound, yet their vices
find out,
As this is a sloven, or this is a lout :
He speaketh on envy, such a one for need ;
This saith it in words, but he thiuketh it not in
deed.
Upon greater occasion they stick not to rave.
Saying, this is a whoremaster villain, he, an heretic
knave,
An extortioner, a thief, a traitor, a murtherer,
A covetous person, a common usurer.
This he doth for my mistress his wife's sake, by
the rood,
28 NEW CUSTOM.
The better to maintain and support the French
hood. ^
Remember also, that it were a great shame
For thee for to have forgotten thy own name.
Perverse Doctrine, of right, must the truth so per-
vert,
That he never let it sink into any man's heart :
As far as he can, with diligence withstand,
For ever it belioveth thee to be ready at hand,
To strengthen thine own parts, and disprove other
doctrine.
Whatsoever shall be taught that is contrary to
thine :
Still pretend religion, whatsoever you say.
And that shall get thee good credit alway.
Pleasing the multitude with such kind of gear,"
As with them, to the which most inclined they are.
Square caps, long gowns, with tippets of silk,
Brave copes in the church, surplices as white as
milk.
Beads, and such like : all these bear the price.
To these tilings apply thy attendant device :
And other likewise, which well you do know,
Which all of great holiness do set forth a show.
Though some of them, doubtless, be indifferent,
what matter !
They furnish our business never the latter.
For these, of antiquity since that they do smell,
Our cause must commend right wonderful well :
And these be tlie things whereof thou hast need.
The better of thy will and purpose to speed.
Then give thy attendance, and so be sure of this :
1 [See Hazlitt's "Handbook," 1867, p. 129, v. costume.
No. 3. The phrase seems to be used here to signify ex-
pensive foreign fashions generally.]
=* The 4to reads grace. Tlie alteration by Mr Dodeley.
NEW CUSTOM. 29
That I will be ready and never will misa
To assist thee still in working thy purpose,
To th' advancing of thee, and depressing thy foes.
Perv. Doc. Gramercy, good sister, even with
all my heart,
For this your good counsel ; and for my part.
Whatsoever in this case may be possibly done,
I shall follow your precepts as a natural son.
For the matter so stands, if we look not well about.
That we quite perish all out of doubt,
Unless some such way we take out of hand,
Whereby we may be able our foes to withstand.
And for this cause my brother Ignorance and I,
Lest it should chance us to fall into jeopardy.
Through envy of our names in any man's ear :
For this intent, I say, we did diligently care
Our names to counterfeit in such manner of sort.
That wherever we go we may win good report.
Hypocrisy. Of my faith, that is very Avell done
indeed !
God send thee a good wit still at thy need.
And that in thy doings such success thou may'st
find.
That all things may chance to thee after thy mind.
My brother, if thou have ought else for to say,
Speak on, ere that I depart hence away.
Perv. Doc. Great thanks for your counsel, and
if ye chance to go thither.
You may meet with Ignorance, to hasten him
hither.
Hypocrisy. Farewell : he shall be here, you
shall see, even anon. [A'xtt.
Perv. Doc. Alack, alack, now my good sister is
gone.
Whose presence to enjoy is more pleasant unto me,
That any thing whatsoever in the world could be.
Good occasion have I such a sister to embrace,
30 NEW CUSTOM.
For by her means I live and enjoy this place.
Which yet I possess as long as I may,
And have heretofore many a fair day.
For since these new heretics, the devil take them
all,
In all corners began to bark and to baAvl
At the Catholic faith and the old religion,
MakiDg of them both but matters of derision ;
Hypocrisy hath so helped at every need,
That but for her hardly were we like for to speed.
For be our case never so nigh driven to the worst,
Though her means by some means take no place at
the first :
Yet some means doth she find, by some means at
the length,
That her ways do prevail, and her matters get
strength.
She can find out a thousand guiles in a trice,
For every purpose a new strong device.
No matter so difficile for man to find out,
No business so dangerous, no person so stout.
But of th' one she is able a solution to make.
And th' other's great peril and mood for to slake.
And in fine, much matter in few words to contain,
She can find out a cloak for every rain.^
What person is there, that beareth more sway
In all manner of matters at this present day
Tliroughout the whole Avorld, though of simple
degree.
And of small power to sight she seem for to be ?
Consider all trades and conditions of life.
Then shall you perceive that Hypocrisy is rife
To all kind of men and of every age,
So far as their years them therein may give know-
ledge :
^ A proverb. 2'u hai mantUlo di ogni acjua. — 5.
NEW CUSTOM. 31
Lo, here a large field, where at length he may walk.
Who list of tills matter at the full for to talk.
To declare of what power and of what efficacy,
In every age, country and time is H}^iocrisy.
But I may not about such small points now stand :
The afitiirs they be greater, that I have in hand.
Ignorance is the cause that I so long tarry here,
And behold where the blind buzzard doth appear.
Come on, thou gross-headed knave, thou whoi'eson
ass, I say.
Where hast thou been, since we departed to-day ?
Enter IGNORANCE.
, Ignorance. Where have I been, quod jou 'i,
marry, even there I was,
^^^lereas I would have given an hundred pound, In-
the mass.
To have been here ; for never, since the day I was
born,
Was I so near-hand in pieces for to have been
torn.
For as I was going up and down in the street.
To see if I could with Hypocrisy meet.
Behold, afar off I began to espy
That heretic New Custom, Avith another in jiis
company.
As soon as they saw me, they hied them apace,
Came towards, and met me full in the face.
I am glad we have found you then, quod this
heretic knave,
For you and yoiu- fellow this day sought we have
In every place, and now cannot you fly ;
And with these words both they came very nigh.
Whereat I so feared, I may tell you plain.
That I thought at that hour I should have been
slain.
32 NEW CUSTOM.
This is he, quod the varlet, of whom I told you of
late,
An enemy of the truth, and incensed with hate
Against God and his church, and an imp of Hypo-
crisy,
A foe to the gospel and to true divinity.
Thou liest, heretic, quod I, and nought else could I
say,
J'ut brake quickly from them, and hither came
away.
Perv. Doc. Who is he that was with him. Sim-
plicity, canst thou tell 1
Ignorance. Not I, sure, but some call him the
Light of the Gospel.
A good personable fellow, and in countenance so
bright,
Tliat I could not behold him in the visage aright.
Perv. Doc. God's precious wounds, that slave !
marry, fie on him, fie !
Body of our Lord, is he come into the country 1
I think all the heretics in the world have taken in
hand
By some solemn oath to pester this land.
With their wicked schisms and abhominable sects,
Now a vengeance on them all, and the devil break
their necks !
Light of the Gospel ! light of a straw ! yet what-
ever he be,
I would he were hanged as high as I can see.
Ignorance. What, have you heard of him be-
fore this ?
Perv. Doc. Heard of him? yea, that have I
often, i-wis.
If there be any in the world, it is this whoreson
thief,
Believe me, Simplicity, that will work us the mis-
chief
NEW CUSTOM. 33
Hath that same new Jack got him such a mate 1
Now with all my heart a pestilence on his pate !
I would they were both hanged fairly together,
Or else were at the devil, I care not much whether.
For since these Genevan doctors came so fast into
this land,
Since that time it was never merry with England.
First came New Custom, and he gave the onsay.^
And sithens things have gone worse every day.
But, Simplicity, dost thou know what is mine
intent ?
Ignorance. Tell me, and I shall know what
you have meant.
Perv. Doc. Our matters with Cruelty our friend
to discuss,
And to hear him, what counsel in tliis case he will
give us ;
And this is the cause I have tarried for thee,
Because that to him I would have thee go with me,
But see where he comethwath Avarice sadly walking.
Let us listen, if we can, whereof they be talking.
ACTUS II., SCENA 3.
Cruelty, Avarice enter. Perverse Doctrine
and Ignorance tarry.
Cruelty. Nay, by God's heart, if I might do
what I list.
Not one of them all thiit should 'scape my fist.
His nails,- 1 would plague them one way or another.
■^ i.e.. The onset — S.
- i.e. , God's nails. So afterwards "By hia wounds" —
" His blood " — without repetition of the sacred name by
way of introduction. — S.
VOL. in. C
34 NEW CUSTOM.
I would not miss him, no, if lie were mine own
brother.
With small faults I might bear as I saw occasion.
And punish or forgive at mine own discretion,
For I wot that sometime the wisest may fall ;
But heresy — fie on that, that is the greatest of all.
Every stocks should be full, every prison and jail :
Some would I beat with rods, some scourge at a
cart's tail.
Some hoise their heels upward, some beat in a
sack,
Some manacle their fingers, some bind in the rack.
Some would I starve for hunger, some would I hang
privily,
Saying, that themselves so died desperately.
Some would I accuse of matters of great weight,
Openly to hang them as trespassers straight.
A thousand mo ways could I tell, and not miss,
AVhich here in England, I may say to you, I have
practised ere this,
And trust, by His wounds. Avarice, soon again for
to try.
Howsoever the world go, before that I die.
Avarice. Now I will tell thee, Cruelty, by God's
sacrament 1 have swore.
It were pity but thou were hanged before.
Cruelty. Ha, ha, ha ; I had as lief they were
hanged as I.
By the mass, there is one thing makes me laugh
heartily, ha, ha, ha.
Avarice. I pray thee what is that 1
Cruelty. What 1 ha, ha, ha ; I cannot tell for
laughing, I would never better pastime desire.
Than to hear a dozen of them howling together in
the fire ;
Whose noise, as me-thinketh, I could best compare
To a cry of hounds following after the hare,
NEW CUSTOM. 35
Or a rabblement of bandogs barking at a bear ;
Ha, ha, ha.
Avarice. I beshrew thy knave's fingers Avitli
my very heart,
The devil will reward thee, whose darling then
art.
But sirrah, I pray thee —
If it had chanced me in those days in thy hands to
have fell,
I think sure thou wouldst have ordered me Avell.
Cruelty. His blood, I would I might have once
seen that chance,
I would have vexed thee with a vengeance, for old
acquaintance.
Avarice. Why so 1 I was always thy furderer
in those days, I am sure.
Cruelty. Yea, but what was the cause 1 thine
own profit to procure.
For so that thou mightest 'v/intage and lucre obtain.
Thou wouldest not stick to bring thine own brother
to pain.
Avarice. Ha, ha, ha ; no, nor father and mother,
if there were ought to be got.
Thou mightest swear, if I could, I would bring
them to the pot.
Whereof a like history I shall tell thee. Cruelty,
In England, which myself played in the days of
queen Mary.^
Two brothers there were dwelling, young gentle-
men ; but the heir
Had substantial revenues,-his stock also was fair ;
^ In Fox's third volume of "Ecclesiastical History,"
1630, p, 799, is an account of one Richard "Woodman, who
was burnt at Lewes, with nine others, on the 22d of June
1557. The circumstances attending his apprehension re-
semble those above-mentioned, and seem to be the same
as are alluded to by the author of this morality.
36 NEW CUSTOM.
A man of good conscience, and studious of the
Gospel.
Which the other brother perceiving very well,
Persuaded him by all means, since he was so bent,
To be constant in opinion, and not to relent.
Which done, he gave notice to the officers about,
How they should come with search to find his
brother out ;
AVho, when he was once in this sort apprehended,
Shortly after his life in the fire he ended.
The other had the most part of all his living —
How say'st, sir knave 1 is not this the near way to
thriving 1
Cruelty, unreasonable Avarice, unsatiable
with gain.
Avarice. What [of] this ] ^ tush, it was but a
merry train.
Cruelty. For lucre's sake his own brother to
betray ?
Hence, Judas, with these doings I cannot away.^
Avarice. I was ever with him, still ready at
hand,
C'ontinually suggesting of the house and the land.
And yet to tell you the truth, as indeed the thing is.
Of my conscience I think the best part Avas his.
Cruelty. By God's glorious wounds, he was
worthy of none ;
1 [i.e., What of this ?]
" An expression of dislike or aversion used by almost
every writer of tlie times. Ben Jonson's CyntldcCs Revels,
A. iv. S. 5 — " Of all nvmphs i'the court, / cannot away with
htrr
Poetaster, A. iii. S. 4 — "And do not bring your eating
player with you there; I cannot away mth her.''
Earlholomeio Fair, A. i. S. 6— "Good 'faith, I -will
cat heartily too, because I will be no Jew, / could never
away with that stiff-necked generation." [Giflbrd's edit. iv.
400-1.]
NEW CUSTOM. 37
But thou to be whipped for thy greedy suggestion.
Avarice. Heart of God, man, be the means
better or worse,
I pass not, I, so it be good for the purse.
Ha, ha, ha !
Enter from behind PERVERSE DOCTRINE and
Ignorance.
Perv. Doc. If you love the purse so well, Avarice,
as you say indeed,
Then help me with your counsel now at a need.
Avarice. What, Perverse Doctrine, and Ignor-
ance too, were you both so near 1
We had thought at our coming that no man ha<l
been here.
Ignorance. We have been in this place evei-
since that you stayed.
And we have heard also whatsoever you have sai<l.
Cruelty. Welcome both, on my faith, and I am
glad it was our chance
To meet Avith you here. Perverse Doctrine and
Ignorance.
Why, how go'th the world 1 me-thinks you be sad.
Perv. Doc. Marry, God have mercy, but there
is small cause to be glad :
For except you come speedily with your helping
hand.
No doubt we shall shortly be banislied the land.
Avarice. Why so. Perverse Doctrine 1
Cruelty. I pray thee, let me understand,
Perv. Doc. Why so ! you know : how, sincf
heresy came lately in place,
And New Custom, that vile schismatic, began to
deface
All our old doings, our service, our rites, that of
yore
33&303
38 NEW CUSTOM.
Have been of great price in the old time before :
Ourselves have been enforced almost for to fly
The country, or else covertly in some corner to lie.
Cruelty. By the mass, that is true, for I dare
not appear,
Whosoever would give me twenty pounds lands by
the year.
Avarice, Ha, ha, ha, by God's foot, and I was
never in better case in my life,
For covetousness with the clergy was never so rife.
Wherefore I have no cause in such sort to be grieved.
Yet I would I could tell, sirs, how you might be
relieved.
Perv. Doc. Now, sirrah, to mend up this matter
withal :
Precious God, it frets me to the very gall.
For now of late that slave, that varlet, that heretic,
Light of the Gospel,
Is come over the sea, as some credibly tell.
Whom New Custom doth use in all matters as a
stay,
The most enemy to us in the Avorld alway ;
Whose rancour is such, and so great is his spite,
That no doubt he will straightway banish us quite.
Unless we provide some remedy for the contrary,
And with speed ; this is truth that I tell thee,
Cruelty.
Cruelty. His wounds, heart and blood, is he
come without any nay 1
Ignorance. Yea. verily, for with these eyes I
saw him to-day.
Cruelty. Now I would he were here, I would
so dress the slave.
That I warrant he should bear me a mark to his
grave.
First I would buffet him thus, then give him a fall ;
Afterward I would dash out his brains at the wall.
NEW" CUSTOM. 39
Avarice. Hold yoiur hands, you rude knave, or
by God's body I swear,
I will quickly fetch my fist from your ear.
Perv. Doc. Tush, tush, it avails nought to
chafen, or to cliide,
'It were more Ansdom Avith speed some redress to
provide.
Cruelty. Redress 1 now, by God's guts, I will
never stay.
Till I find means to rid the beast out of the way.
I will cut him off the slampambs,^ I hold him a
crown,
Wlieresoever I meet him, in country or town.
Ignorance. ^\'liat order you will take, it were
best make relation.
For mo wits, as you know, may do better than one.
Cruelty. I will do then whatsoever shall come
in my head,
I force not, I,^ so the villain were dead.
Ignorance. And of my furtherance, whatsoever
I may do, you be sure.
Your good state again, if I can, to procure,
With my uttermost help to suppress yonder rascal,
For, by the mass, you papists I like best of all.
Perv. Doc. Then can we not do amiss, I conjec-
ture lightly.
For where as all these come. Perverse Doctrine,
Avarice, Ignorance and Cruelty :
There goeth the hare,^ except all good luck go
away —
But, sirs, it is good, lest your names you descry,
1 [Beat him by stratagem. See Halliwell's Diet, in v.]
- i.e., I care not. Camden in his "Remains" says, "I
force not of such fooleries." Shakspeare has the same
phrase. — S.
* [In that direction sets the tide of opinion. This saying
is in Hey wood's collection, 1562.]
40 NEW CUSTOM.
To transjiose tliem after some other kind,
Else be sure with the people much hatred to find.
As for Perverse Doctrine, Sound Doctrine; for
Ignorance, Simplicity :
With these colours of late ourselves cloaked have
we.
Cruelty. What then shall I, Cruelty, he called
in your judgment ?
Perv. Doc. Marry, Justice with Severity, a
virtue most excellent.
Avarice. What will you term Avarice, I pray
you let me hear 1
Perv. Doc. Even Frugality, for to that virtue
it Cometh most near.
Avarice. Content, by his wounds, I; but we
must look to oiu" feet,
Lest we stumble in these names, whensoever we
meet.
Perv. Doc. Yea, see you take heed to that in
any manner of case,
So may you delude the jjeople in every place.
Cruelty. Come then, it is time hence that away
we depart.
Ignorance. We are ready to follow with a most
willing heart.
Avarice. But, sirs, because Ave have tarried so
long,
If you be good fellows, let us depart with a song.
Cruelty. I am pleased, and therefore let every
man
Follow after in order, as well as he can.
The first SoNG.
Well handled, by the mass, on every side.
Come, Avarice ; for we two will no longer abide.
\_Exit Cruelty and Avarice.
NEW CUSTOM; 41
Perv. Doc. Farewell to you both, and God
send you success,
Such as may glad us all in your present business.
Now they be departed, and we may not tarry,
For it lieth us upon all to be stirring, by Saint
Mary.
New Custom prevaileth much everywhere,
But, no matter, they be fools that do give him sucli
ear.
Let old custom prevail rather, it is better than new ;
This all will confess, that think scripture is true.
Do as thy fathers have done before thee (quoth he) :
Then shalt thou be certain in the right way to be
And sure that is better than to follow the train.
That each man inventeth of his own proper brain.
Which hath brought the world to this case, as we
see.
That every day we hear of some notorious heresy.
Yet all is the Gospel, whatsoever they say.
Well, if it chance that a dog hath a day,
Wo then to New Custom and all his mates, tush,
tush,
No man the Gospel will esteem then a rush.
What will that other heretic do, Light of the Gospel,
I pray 1
Dare not once show his face more than we at this
day.
But come. Ignorance, let us follow after apace,
For we have abiden all too long in this place.
Ignorance. Let us go then, but, by the mass,
I am vengeance dry,
I pray let us drink at the alehouse hereby.
. Perv. Doc. Content, in faith, thither with speed
let us hie.
42- NEW CUSTOM.
ACTUS III, SCENA 1.
Light of the Gospel, New Custom, Perverse
Doctrine.
L. OF Gospel. They be not this way, as far as I
can see,
Unless they have hidden themselves up privily.
For in presence of Light of the Gospel and Primi-
tive Constitution,
Undoubtedly such reprobates can have no habita-
tion.
New Cus. Verily I do find it so even as you
have said,
For at your sight they all fly away as dismayed.
Wherefore I have great cause to give you thanks,
Light
Of the Gospel, that put thus my enemies to flight.
L. OF Gospel. Nay, they be my enemies also,
that be enemies to you.
Insomuch as your dealings be both virtuous and
true.
For what is the Gospel else, whereof I am Light,
But truth, equity, verity and right 1
They be enemies to God too, and all liars impure,
Insomuch as he is called Verity in the scripture.
And the lying lips, Avith speakers of vanity,
The Lord himself will revenge with extremity.
But see, what is he that approacheth so nigh 1
New Cus. Of wliom I told you : it is Perverse
Doctrine verily.
L. OF Gospel. Then let us a little step out of
the way.
If haply we may hear what he will say.
Perv. Doc. Ah, sirrah, by my troth, there is a
very good vein !
NEW CUSTOM. 43
Ignotance hath well lined his cap for the rain !
I could have tarried longer there with a good will,
But, as the jDroverb saith, it is good to keep still
One head for the reckoning, both sober and wise ;
Wherefore in this thing I have followed that guise.
Ignorance is but a dolt, it is I that must drudge,
For need (they say) maketh the old wife and man
both to trudge. 1
Such snares we shall lay for these heretics, I trust,
That New Custom and his fellows shall soon lie in
the dust.
If Cruelty may prevail, he will never slack.
Till he have brought a thousand of them to a stake.
Avarice hath promised to do what in him lay,
Who hath been in great credit with the world
alway.
But if Ignorance may get place, there shall we do
well.
Then adieu all idle heretics and vain talk of the
gospel !
For me Perverse Doctrine, this shall be my fetch, -
To keep constant the minds of all I can catch ;
Lest these glosers sometime they chance to hear
preaching.
And thereby be converted, and credit their
teaching.
For I trust shortly to bring it to pass,
That less knowledge of the Gospel shall serve, by
the mass.
L. OF Gospel. Let us inclose him, that he may
not fly,
Else will he be gone, when he doth us espy.
O imp of Antichrist, and seed of the devil !
^ [The usual form of the proverb is, " Need maketh the
old wife trot."]
2 [Exertion, effort.]
44 NEW CUSTOM.-
Boril to all wickedness, and misled ^ in all evil.
Perv. Doc. Nay, thou stinking heretic, art thou
there indeed ?
According to thy naughtiness thou must look for
to speed.
New Cus. God's holy word in no wise can he
heresy,
Though so you term it never so falsely.
Perv. Doc. Ye precious whoreson, art thou
there too ?
I think you have pretended some harm me to do.
Help, help, I say, let me he gone at once.
Else I will smite thee in the face with my fist, by
God's bones.
New Cus. You must be contented a little
season to stay :
Light of the Gospel for your profit hath something
to say.
Perv. Doc. I will hear none of your preachings,
I promise you plain ;
For whatever you speak, it is but in vain.
L. OF Gospel. In vain it shall not be spoken,
I know very welL
For God hath always given such power to his
gospel.
That wherever or by Avliom declared it be.
It should redound unto his own honour and glory.
God is glorified in those whom he doth elect,
God is glorified in those also whom he doth reject.
The elect are saved by that in the world they
believe ;
But the other, because no credence they give
To the truth, cannot be but blameable,
Committing a fault of all faults most damnable.
For, .S"* ad eos non venissem, saith Christ our Saviour,
' i.e., Nursed, fostered. — S.
NEW CUSTO>r. 45
If I had not come unto them with the "word, this
is sure,
In far better case the unfaithful had been.
For in this one respect they had liad no sin.
But where the truth is, and yet there contemned,
Of Christ his own mouth all such are condemned.
Thus the gospel of Clirist, be it received or no,
Showeth the glory of God, wheresoever it go.
Pert. Doc. I were content to abide, and know
your pleasui'e :
But for business at this time I have no leisure.
L. OF Gospel. What leisure ought a man at all
times more to have,
Than to endeavour both his body and soul for ti>
save ?
Xew Cus. For that care all other cares we
must set aside.
Perv. Doc. Say on, then, for patiently I mind to
abide.
L. of Gospel. Xot to liear what is .spoken is
only sufficient,
But to put it in practice Avith sincere intent
AVhatsoever is taught us concerning ajood-doinf;,
Expressing it plainly in our "virtuous li"ving.
Perv. Doc. Why, what would you have me in
living express ?
L. OF Gospel. Even the gospel, "which is nothing
else, doubtless,
But amendment of life and renouncing of sin :
With displeasure toward yourself for the faults you
were in.
Perv. Doc. How shall I displease myself in
sin, I would know ]
L. OF Gospel. In considering that notliing
bringeth man so low
Out of God's favour, as sin : nothing setteth him
so high,
46 NEW CUSTOM.
As loathing the same, and calling to him for his
mercy
Perv. Doc. Verily I am sorry for my forepassed
demeanour,
But that cannot avail me but little, I am sure.
L. OF Gospel. Why think you so ] boldly tell
me your mind.
Perv. Doc. Because God's mercy is far enough
behind.
L. OF Gospel. God's mercy is at hand, if you
repent faithfully.
Perv. Doc. I repent my sins, and for them am
sorry heartily ;
But how shall I be sure mercy for to obtain 1
L. OF Gospel. Credit me truly, for my words
are not vain,
I am Light of the Gospel, and have full authority
To pronounce to the penitent forgiveness of
iniquity.
So that, in asking, you put your assurance to speed :
Then no doubt you have obtained mercy indeed.
Perv. Doc. This assurance Iioav cometh it,
declare, I pray you ?
L. OF Gospel. In thinking that Christ his words
and promises are true ;
And as he cannot deceive, so cannot be deceived.
Which faith of all Christians must needs be received,
Perv. Doc. What thing is faith, I pray you
recite ?
L. OF Gospel. A substance of things not appear-
ing in sight,
Yet which we look for, for so Saint Paul doth
define.
To the Hebrews, the eleventh chapter and the first
line.
Perv. Doc. How to purchase this faith, I would
I could tell.
NEW CUSTOM. 47
L. OF Gospel. Certainly by me also, the Light
of the Gospel ;
For faith cometh by the word, when we read or
hear,
As by the same Saint Paul it doth plainly appear,
Perv. Doc. Give me leave then to embrace
you, I pray you heartily.
L. of Gospel. With all my very heart, I receive
you courteously.
Perv. Doc. To thee I give most humble thanks,
God immortal,
That it hath pleased thee me from my wickedness
to call ;
And where as I deserved no mercy, but judgment,
Yet to pour down thy pardon on me most abun-
dant,
Revoking me from reprobates and members of hell.
To win me in society with the Light of the Gospel.
L. OF Gospel. Stand up, there is somewhat else
yet behind.
Perv. Doc. I wholly yield myself to you : use
me after your mind.
L. of Gospel. Perverse Doctrine you shall be
called no more after this.
But Sincere Doctrine, as now I trust your true
name is.
Perv. Doc. By God's grace, while I live, I will
so endeavour.
That my life and my name may accord thus for
ever.
L. OF Gospel. Then all wicked company you
must clean forsake.
And fly their society as a toad or a snake.
Perv. Doc. I abandon them quite, whatsoever
they be.
New Cus. Well, Sincere Doctrine, hearken also
unto me,
48 NEW CUSTOM.
Wlioni needs you must follow, if you will do well,
Since you have embraced the Light of the Gospel.
I am not New Custom, as you have been misled,
But am Primitive Constitution, from the very head
Of the church, which is Christ and his disciples all,
And from the fathers, at that time taking original.
By me then you must learn for your own behest.
And for all vocations what is judged the best.
Perv. Doc. I receive you gladly with thanks for
your gentleness.
At your hands craving earnestly for my trespass
forgiveness.
New Cus. It is easily forgiven.
Perv. Doc. Now as touching my apparel,
what counsel do you give 1
For I see well that, in the constitution primitive,
They used no such garment as I have on here.
But fashioned it after some other manner.
New Cus. So did they truly, I confess it
indeed ;
But in such things a man ought not to take so great
heed.
For the wearing of a gown, cap, or any other gar-
ment,
Surely is a matter, as me-seemeth, indifferent,
Howbeit, wise princes, for a difference to be had,
Hath commanded the clergy in such sort to be
clad ;
But he who puts his religion in wearing the thing,
Or thinks himself more holy for the contrary doing.
Shall prove but a fool, of Avhatever condition
He be, for sure that is ])ut mere superstition.
( )ther things there be, which have been abused,
Tolerable enough, if well they were used :
Wherefore use your apparel, as is comely and decent,
And not against scrijjture anywhere in my judg-
ment.
NEW CUSTOM. 49
L. OF Gospel. No, sure : for God weigheth not
(who is a sprite)
Of any vesture or outward appearance a mite,
So the conscience be pure, and to no sin a slave :
That is all which he most gladly would have.
New Cus. Well, these having declared and
sufficiently taught.
And, I trust, on your part perceived as they ought :
By your patience, I mind to depart for a season.
L. OF Gospel. If your business be so, it is but
reason.
New Cus. With great thanks unto you. Light
of the Gospel, for the gentleness I have found,
At your hands, as of due desert I am bound.
L. OF Gospel. The Lord be your guide, whither-
soever you depart.
Perv. Doc. Humble thanks, sir, I yield you
from the bottom of my heart.
Albeit in this part so small be my skill.
That I may not perform them according to my
will.
New Cus. The peace of God be with you both
for evermore. [Exit.
Edification entereth.
Wheresoever Light of the Gospel goeth before,
There I, Edification, do follow incontinent.
As unto the same a necessary consequent :
For though the letter always work not that efifect.
Yet surely in the congregation of God's elect,
Where the light and force taketh place, there Edi-
fication
Of all right must I make my habitation.
Endeavour then always me to retain.
So shall your doctrine not be given in vain.
VOL. Ill, D
50 NEW CUSTOM.
Perv. Doc. I receive you most gladly, and I
trust in the Lord,
That for ever hereafter we shall well accord.
Edification. I trust so.
L. OF Gospel. Fare you well, now you are not
alone.
For this small while I must needs be gone.
Here, take at my hands this Testament-book,
And in mine absence therein I pray you earnestly
look.
Perv. Doc. Your commandment shall be done,
with thanks for your counsel.
L. OF Gospel. Then shall ye sure find great
delight in the gospel. [Exit.
Assurance entereth.
Edification without Assurance 'vaileth not much.
Yet where they both do meet, surely their force is
such,
That to God's kingdom they open the way.
The sweet place of rest and perpetual joy.
For assurance in Christ Jesus without man's further
merit.
Is fully sufficient God's favour to inherit :
Wherefore Light of the Gosjiel ■walled me so.
That to you. Edification, with all speed 1 should
go: . .
So that with Sincere Doctrine we joined in unity.
Might in short time conduct him to God's Perfect
Felicity.
Perv. Doc. I embrace you, Assurance, that bliss
to obtain.
Assurance. Then be you assured, that you shall
not be vain ;
For if that Christ's words be faithful and just,
God's Perfect Felicity is not far hence, I trust.
NEW CUSTOM. 51
God's Felicity entereth.
Verily, where Edification and Assurance in one are
allied,
God's Felicity is at hand, it may not be denied,
"NMiich he promiseth to such as unfeignedly crave.
With Assurance that certainly the same they shall
have :
\Miich Felicity in person here I do represent,
AVho by God himself to the faithful am sent.
Prepared for them, as he plainly hath said,
Since the time that the world's foundations were
laid ;
"Wherefore great thanks unto him doubtless you owe,
That it would please him such gifts on you to bestow,
The most precious thing, which man's reason doth
excel,
Xo mind can conceive, much less tongue can tell.
Perv. Doc. To liim therefore let us give all
manner praise,
That beareth such affection to mankind always.
Lord, tliine honour might be great in heaven so
high.
And throughout the whole earth thy everlasting
glory.
Give grace to thy people, that after this transitory
Life they may come to thy perfect felicity.
Edification. Defend thy church, Christ, and
thy holy congregation,
Both here in England and in every other nation.
That we thy truth may attain, and still follow the
same,
To the salvation of our souls, and glory of thy name.
Assurance. Preserve our noble queen Eliza-
beth and her council all,^
^ It was a custom at the end of our ancient interludes
and plays to conclude with a solemn prayer for the king or
52 NEW CUSTOM.
With thy heavenly grace, sent from thy seat
supernal.
Grant her and them long to live, her to reign, them
to see.
What may always be best for the weal-public's
commodity. 1
The second SoNG.
queen, the council, the parliament, or the nobleman by
whom the players were protected. Many instances are pro-
duced by Dr Farmer and Mr Steevens, in their last notes on
the epilogue to "Second Part of Henry IV.," and many
others might be added. See particularly the conclusion of
Fulwell's "Like will to like, quoth the Devil to the Col-
lier," 1368; Wager's "The longer thou livest the more
foole thou art; " " Ring Darius," and others. — Reed.
1 [Interest.]
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER
A COMEDY
By NICHOLAS UDALL
(1550)
[The only copy known of this admirable comedy, and
that deficient of the title, was discovered in 1818, and
is at present in the library of Eton College. It was
reprinted in 1818, again in 1821 and 1830, and for the
fourth time, with a copious account of Udall and his
writings, by Mr W. D. Cooper, 1847. It was licensed
and probably printed in 1566, but is quoted in Wilson's
"Rule of Reason," 1551, before which date it was no
doubt not only composed but performed.
" Ralph Roister Doister " is the first regular comedy
in our language — a place of honour long held by " Gam-
mer Gurton's Needle," which is an inferior, as well as
a later, production.
Since the appearance of Mr Cooper's edition, Mv
Furnivall has printed from the Royal MS. the pageant
referred to at p. xiii. of Mr Cooper's introduction in one
of the Ballad Society's volumes.]
THE PROLOGUE.
Wliat creature is in health, either young or old,
But some mirth mtli modesty will be glad to use,
As we in this inte rlude shall now unfold ?
Wherein all scuirriTity we utterly refuse ;
Avoiding such mirth, wherein is abuse :
Knowing notliing more commendable for a man's
recreation.
Than mirth which is used in an honest fashion.
For mirth prolongeth life, and causeth health ;
Mirth recreates our spirits, and voideth pensive-
ness ;
Mirth increaseth amity (not hind'ring our wealth) ;
]\lirth is to be used both of more and less.
Being mixed with virtue in decent comeliness.
As we trust no good nature can gainsay the same :
Which mirth we intend to use, avoiding all blame.
The wise poets, long time heretofore,
Under merry comedies secrets did declare,
Wherein was contained very virtuous lore,
With mysteries and forewarnings very rare.
Such to write neither Plautus nor Terence did
spare.
Which among the learned at this day bears the
bell:
These Avith such other therein did excel.
56 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
Our com edy or inteiliids, which we intend to play,
Is named KoiSTER DoiSTER indeed,
Which against the vain-glorious doth inveigh,
Whose humour the roisting sort continually doth
feed.
Thus, by your patience, we intend to proceed
In this our interlude, by God's leave and grace :
And here I take my leave for a certain space.
FINIS.
DEAMATIS PERSONiE.1
A vain-glorious, cowardly
( A va
Ealph Roister Doisteb, , „, ,, ,
Jilock/iead.
Matthew Merrygreek, a needy Humorist.
Gawin Goodluck, a Merchant.
Tristram Trusty, Friend of Gaidn Goodluck.
Dobinet Doughty,
Harpax,
Truepenny, Servant of Dame Custance.
Sim Suresby, Captain of a ship of Gawin GoodlucTc.
A Scrivener.
A Widoiv, betrothed to Gawin
> Servants of Ralph.
1
Dame Christian Custance, , ^ „ ,
Goodluck.
Madge Mumblecrust, "S
Tibet Talkapace, > Servants of Dame Custance.
Annot Aliface, )
[Not in the old copy.]
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
ACTUS L, SC^NA 1.
Matthew MerrygREEK. Ee eniereth singing.
As long Kveth the merry man (they say),
As doth the sorry man, and longer by a day ;
Yet the grasshopper, for all his summer piping,
Starveth in winter with hungry griping :
Therefore another said saw doth men adidse,
That they be together both merry and wise.
This lesson must I practise or else, ere longj-
With me, Matthew Merrygreek, it will be wrOng.
Indeed men so call me ; for, by him that us bought,
Whatever chance betide, I can take no thought.
Yet wisdom would that I did myself bethink.
Where to be provided this day of meat and drink ;
For know ye that, for all this merry note of mine,
He might oppose me noAv, that should ask where I
dine.
My living lieth here and there, of God's grace,
Sometime with this good man, sometime in that
place ;
Sometime Lewis Loiterer biddeth me come near ;
Somewhiles Watkin Waster maketh us good cheer ;
Sometime Davy Diceplayer, when he hath well
cast,
58 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
Maketli revel-rout, as long as it will last ;
Sometime Tom Titivile ^ maketh us a feast ;
Sometime with Sir Hugh Pie I am a hidden guest ;
Sometime at Nichol Neverthrive's I get a sop ;
Sometime I am feasted with Bryan Blinkinsop ;
Sometime I hang on Hankyn Hoddydoddy's sleeve ;
But this -day on Ralph Eoister Doister's, by his
leave.
For truly of all men he is my chief banker,
Both for meat and money, and my chief shoot-
anchor. ^
Forsooth Roister Doister in that he doth say,
And require what ye will, ye shall have no nay.
But now of Roister Doister somewhat to express,
That ye may esteem him after liis worthiness.
In these twenty towns, and seek them throughout.
Is not the like stock whereon to graff a lout.
All the day long is he facing and craking ^
Of his great acts in fighting and fray-making ;
But when Roister Doister is put to his proof,
To keep the Queen's peace * is more for his behoof.
If any woman smile, or cast on him an eye,
Up is he to the hard ears in love by and by :
And in all the hot haste must she be his wife,
1 One of the names of the devil in the old morals. —
W. D. Cooper.
^ [Sheet-anchor.]
^ Impudentlyvaunting and boasting.
" You preserve
A race of idle people here about you,
Facers and talkers. — Maids Tragedy, Act iv., sc, 2.
— IF. I). Cooper.
■* In all probability an alteration to mean Elizabeth, in
whose reign the play was printed ; for in act ill., sc. 4, M.
Merrygreek talks of the " arms of Calais " ; and so does E.
Roister, act iv., sc. 7. Calais was lost in 5th Mary, and
the play was quoted by Wilson in 1551, when Edward was
on the throne. — W. I). Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 59
Else farewell his good days, and farewell his life !
Master Ralph Roister Doister is but dead and gone,
Except she on him take some compassion.
Then chief of council must be Matthew Merry-
greek !
What, if I for marriage to such an one seek 1
Then must I sooth ^ it, whatever it is ;
For what he saith or doth cannot be amiss.
Hold by his yea and nay, be his nown white son;^
Praise and rouse him well, and ye have his heart
won;
For so well liketh he his own fond fashions,
That he taketh pride of false commendations.
But such sport have I with him, as I would not
lese.
Though I should be bound to live with bread and
cheese.
For exalt him and have liim as ye lust indeed ;
Yea, to hold his finger in a hole for a need.
I can with a word make him fain or loth ;
I can with as much make him pleased or wroth ;
I can, Avhen I will, make him merry and glad ;
I can, when me lust, make him sorry and sad ;
I can set him in hope, and eke in despair ;
I can make him speak rough, and make him speak
fair.
But I marvel I see liim not all this same day :
I will seek him out. But lo ! he cometh this way.
I have yond espied him sadly coming.
And in love, for twenty pound, by his gloming.^
^ f Affirm, agree to it.]
^ [i.e., His own white son.] White hoy is a common ex-
pression of endearment in old plays, and to this day white-
headed boy is an expression of fondness in Ireland, thou£;h
the locks of the individual to whom it is applied may be
" black as the raven's plume."— IK D. Cooper.
^ [Or glombing, i.e., louring. See Halliwell v. Glomhe.]
60 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
ACTUS I., SC^NA 2.
Ealph Koister Doister, Matthew
Merrygreek.
R. Roister. Come, death, when thou wilt : I
am weary of my life.
M. Merry. I told you, I, we should woo another
wife. [^Aside.
R. Royster. Why did God make me such a
goodly person 1
M. Merry. He is in, by the week ; we shall
have sport anon. [Aside.
R. Roister. And where is my trusty friend,
MattheAV Merrygreek 1
M. Merry. I will make as I saw him not ; he
doth me seek. [Aside,
R. Roister. I have him espied, me-thinketh ;
yond is he ;
Ho ! Matthew Merrygreek, my friend, a word
with thee.
M. Merry. I will not hear him, but make as I
had haste. [Aside.
Farewell, all my good friends, the time away doth
waste ;
And the tide, they say, tarrieth for no man.
R. Roister. Thou must with thy good counsel
help me, if thou can.
M. Merry. God keep thee, worshipful Master
Roister Doister,
And farewell the lusty Master Roister Doister,
R. Roister. I must needs speak with thee a
word or twain.
M. Merry, Within a month or two I will be
here again.
Negligence in great affairs, ye know, may mar all.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 61
R. EoiSTER. Attend upon me now, and well re-
ward thee I shall.
M. Merry. I have take my leave, and the tide
is well-spent.
R. Roister. I die, except thou help ; I pray
thee be content.
Do thy part well now, and ask what thou wilt ;
For without thy aid my matter is all spilt.
M. Merry. Then to serve your turn I will some
pains take,
And let all mine own affairs alone for your sake.
R. Roister. My whole hope and trust resteth
only in thee.
M. Merry. Then can ye not do amiss, whatever
it be.
R. Roister. Gramercies, Merrygreek, most
bound to thee I am.
M. Merry. But up with that heart, and speak
out like a ram ;
Ye speak like a capon that had the cough now :
Be of good cheer ; anon ye shall do well enou'.
R. Roister. Upon thy comfort I -will all things
well handle.
M. Merry. So, lo ! that is a breast to blow out
a candle.^
But what is this great matter, I would fain know 'I
We shall find remedy therefore, I trow.
Do ye lack money ? ye know mine old offers :
Ye have always a key to my purse and coffers.
R. Roister. I thank thee : had ever man such
a friend !
^ Voice.
" I syng not musycall,
For my brest is decayd."
— Armonye of Byrdes.
Halliwell's "Archaic and Provincial Words."— ir.Z>. Cooper.
62 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER,
M. Merry. Ye give unto me : I must needs to
you lend.
E. EoiSTER. Nay, I have money plenty all things
to discharge.
M. Merry {aside). That knew I right well,
when I made offer so large.
R EoiSTER. But it is no such matter.
M. Merry. What is it, then 1
Are ye in danger of debt ^ to any man 1
If ye be, take no thought, nor be not afraid ;
Let them hardily take thought^ how they shall be
paid.
E. EoiSTER. Tut, I owe nought.
M. Merry. What then? fear ye imprisonment?
E. EoiSTER. No.
M. Merry. No ; I w4st ye offend not so to be
shent ;
But, if ye had, the Tower could not you so hold,
But to break out at all times ye would be bold.
What is it? hath any man threatened you to
beat?
E. EoiSTER. What is he that durst have put me
in that heat ?
He that beateth me, by His arms,^ shall well find
That I will not be far from him, nor run behind.
M. Merry. That thing know all men, ever since
ye overthrew
The fellow of the lion which Hercules slew.
But what is it then ?
E. EoiSTER. Of love I make my moan.
M. Merry. Ah, this fooHsh love ! wil't ne'er let
us alone ?
^ [In danger of debt, i.e. in the power of any man on
account of debt.]
" [i.e. Let thmi consider how, &c.]
^ \i.c. By God's arms.]
KALPH ROISTER DOISTER, 63
But, because ye were refused the last day,
Ye said ye would ne'er more be entangled that way !
I would meddle no more, since I find all so unkind.
R. EoiSTER. Yea, but I cannot so put love out
of my mind.
M. Merry. But is your love, tell me first, in any
wise
In the way of marriage or of merchandise ?
If it may otherwise than lawful be found,
Ye get none of my help for an hundred pound.
R Roister. No, by my troth, I would have her
to my wife.
M. Merry. Then are ye a good man, and God
save your hfe !
And what or Avho is she, with whom ye are in love ?
R. Roister. A Avoman, whom I know not by
what means to move.
M. Merry. Who is it 1
R. Roister. A woman yond.
M. Merry. Wliat is her name 1
R. Roister. Her yonder.
M. Merry. Whom ?
R. Roister. Mistress, ah —
M. Merry. Fy, fy for shame I
Love ye, and know not whom'? but her yond! a
woman /
We shall then get you a wife, I cannot tell when.
R. Roister. Tlie fair woman that suj^ped witli
us yesternight ;
And I heard her name t^Wce or thrice, and had it
right.
M. Merry. Yea, ye may see ye ne'er take me to
good cheer with you :
If ye had, I could have told you her name now,
R. Roister. I was to blame indeed, but the
next time perchance —
And she dwelleth in this house —
64 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
M. Merry. What, Christian Custance 1
E. Roister. Except I have her to my wife, I
I shall run mad.
M. Merry. Nay, unwise perhaps ; but I warrant
you for mad.^
R. Roister. I am utterly dead, unless I have
my desire.
M. Merry. Where be the bellows that blew this
sudden fire 1
E. Roister. I hear she is worth a thousand
pound and more.
M. Merry. Yea, but learn this one lesson of me
afore :
An hundred pound of marriage-money, doubtless,
Is ever thirty pound sterling, or somewhat less ; ^
So that her thousand pound, if she be thrifty.
Is much near ^ about two hundred and fifty.
Howbeit, wooers and widows are never poor.
R. Roister. Is she a widow 1 I love her better
therefore.
M. Merry. But I hear she hath made promise
to another.
R. Roister. He shall go without her, and he
were my brother.
M. Merry. I have heard say, I am right well
advised,
That she hath to Gawin Goodluck promised,
R. Roister. What is that Gawin Goodluck 1
M. Merry. A merchant-man.
R. Roister. Shall he speed afore me 1 Nay,
sir, by sweet Saint Anne !
^ [I warrant you, as far as madness is concerned. Mr
Cooper proposed to read from mad ; but the alteration
appears to me unnecessary.]
'^ [Fortunes are always exaggerated.]
^ [Nearer.]
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 65
All, sir ! Bachare, quod Mortimer to his sow : -
I will have her mine own self, I make God a vow ;
For, I tell thee, she is worth a thousand pound.
M. Merry. Yet a fitter Avife for your maship -
might be found ;
Such a goodly man as you might get one with land.
Besides pounds of gold a thousand and a thousand.
And a thousand and a thousand and a thousand.
And so to the sum of twenty hundred thousand :
Your most goodly personage is worthy of no less.
E. Roister. I am sorry God made me so comely,
doubtless ;
For that maketh me each where so highly favoured.
And all women on me so enamoured.
M. Merry. Enamoured, quod you ? have ye
spied out that ?
Ah, sir, marry, now I see you know what is what.
Enamoured, ka '? ^ marry, sir, say that again ;
But I thought not ye had marked it so plain.
R. Roister. Yes, each where they gaze all upon
me, and stare.
M. Merry. Yea, malkin, I warrant you, as
much as they dare.
And ye mil not believe what they say in the street.
When j'our maship passeth by, all such as I meet,
That sometimes I can scarce find what answer to
make.
Who is this 1 (saith one) Sir Launcelot du Lake 1 ^
Who is this 1 Great Guy of Warwick, saith another?
^ This Avas a proverbial expression. See Hey wood's
"Proverbs" and "Taming of the Shrew," act ii., se. 1.
Bachare probably means Bach there ! or Go hack ! — Cooper.
[The meaning is, clearly enough, that Gawin Goodluck
must retreat from his courtship.]
- Your mastership. — Cooper.
^ Quotha.
* Some of these are the heroes of romances.— Coopec.
VOL. III. E
66 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
No (say I), it is the thirteenth Hercules brother.
Who is thisi noble Hector of Troy 1 saith the third :
No, but of the same nest (say I) it is a bird.
Who is tliis 1 great Goliah, Sampson, or Colbrand ?
No (say I), but it is a brute of the aly land.^
Who is this ? great Alexander or Charlemagne ?
No, it is the tenth Worthy, say I to them again :
I know not if I said well —
R Roister. Yes, for so I am.
M. Merry. Yea, for there were but nine wor-
thies, before ye came.
To some others the third Cato I do you call ; ^
And so, as well as I can, I answer them all.
Sir, I pray you what lord or great gentleman is this?
Master Ralph Roister Doister, dame (say I), i-wis.
Lord (saith she then), what a goodly man it is !
Would Christ I had such a husband as he is !
Lord (say some), that the sight of his face we lack !
It is enough for you (say I) to see his back ;
His face is for ladies of high and noble parages,^
With whom he hardly 'scapeth great marriages.
With much more than this and much otherwise.
R. Roister. I can thee thank,* that thou canst
such answers devise :
But I perceive thou dost me throughly know.
M. Merry. I mark your manners for mine own
learning, I trow.
But such is your beauty, and such are your acts,
Such is your personage, and such are your facts,^
^ [A creature of the same countr.y. Aly seems here to
be the same as alyche. See Halliwell, v. v. alyche and alye.']
^ Tertius & ccelo cecidit Cato. Juv., Sat. ii., 40. — Cooper.
^ f Kindred, parentages.]
^ I give thee thanks. — Cooper.
^ Feats or deeds, from the Latin factum, "And rattle
forth his facts of war and blood." — Marlowe's " Tambur-
laine the Great," Part L, 1590. — Coojnr.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 67
That all women, fair and foul, more and less.
They eye you, they lub^ you, they talk of you douljt-
less.
Your pleasant look maketh them all merry :
Ye pass not by, but they laugh, till they be weary ;
Yea, and money could I have, the truth to tell.
Of many, to bring you that way where they dwell.
R. Roister. Merrygreek, for this thy reporting
well of me —
M. Merry. AVhat should I else, sir 1 it is my
duty, parde.
E. Roister. I promise thou shalt not lack,
while I have a groat.
M. Merry. Faith, sir, and I ne'er had more
need of a new coat.
R. Roister. Thou shalt have one to-morrow,
and gold for to spend.
M. Merry. Then I trust to bring the day to a
good end.
For as for mine own part, having money enou',
I could live only with the remembrance of you —
But now to your widow, whom you love so hot —
R. Roister. By Cock, thou sayest truth, I had
almost forgot.
M. Merry. What, if Christian Custance Avill
not have you, what ?
R. Roister. Have me? yes, I warrant you,
never doubt of that :
I know she loveth me, but she dare not speak.
M. Merry. Indeed, meet it were somebody
should it break.
R. Roister. She looked on me twenty times
yesternight,
1 [This word has escaped Nares and others. But it is
merely a colloquialism for love, and is in that sense still in
familiar use.]
68 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
And laughed so —
M. Merry. That she could not sit upright.
E. Roister. No, faith, could she not.
M. Merry. No, even such a thing I cast. ^
K Roister. But for wooing, thou knowest,
women are shamefast.
But, and she knew my mind, I know she would be
glad.
And think it the best chance that ever she had.
M. Merry. To her, then, like a man, and be
bold forth to start :
Wooers never speed well, that have a false heart.
R. Roister. What may I best do 1
M. Merry, Sir, remain ye awliile [here] ; ^
Ere long one or other of her house will appear.
Ye know my mind.
R. Roister. Yea, now hardily let me alone.
M. Merry. In the meantime, sir, if you please,
I will home.
And call your musicians ; for in tliis your case
It would set you forth, and all your wooing grace.
Ye may not lack your instruments to play and
sing.
R. Roister. Thou knowest I can do that —
M. Merry. As well as anything.
Shall I go call your folks, that we may show a cast 1
R. Roister. Yea, run, I beseech thee, in all
possible haste,
M. Merry. I go. [Exeat.
R. Roister. Yea, for I love singing out of
measure.
It comforteth my spirits, and doth me great i)lea-
sure.
^ [Guessed.]
2 The word " here," which is not in the original, seems
necessary to complete the metre and rhyme. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 69
But who Cometh forth yond from my sweetheart
Custance 1
My matter frameth well ; this is a lucky chance.
ACTUS I, SCiENA 3.
Madge Mumblecrust^ spinning on the distaff:
Tibet Talkapace soiving : Annot Alyface
hiitting : R. RoiSTER behind.
M. Mumbl. If this distaff were spun, Margery
Mumblecrust —
Tib. Talk. Where good stale ale is, will drink
no water, I trust.
M. Mumbl. Dame Custance hath promised us
good ale and Avhite bread.
Tib. Talk. If she keep not promise, I will be-
shrew her head.
But it will be stark night, before I shall have done.
R, Roister (aside). I will stand here awhile,
and talk with them anon.
I hear them speak of Custance, which doth my heart
good;
To hear her name spoken doth even comfort my
blood.
M. Mumbl. Sit down to your work, Tibet, like
a good girl.
Tib. Talk. Nurse, meddle you with your spindle
and your whirl.
1 Jack Mumblecrust is the name of one of the beggars
Avho dine with Sir Owen Meredith : " Peace ! hear my lady.
Jack Mumblecrust steal no more penny loaves.'' — Patient
Grissel, act iv., sc. 3. It is also a name given to the widow
Minever by Captain Tucca in Dekker's *'Satiromastix."
Madge Mumblecrust is mentioned in the MS. comedy of
" Misogonus," 1577. — Cooper.
70 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
No haste but good, Madge Mumblecrust ; for whip
and whur/
The old proverb doth say, never made good fur.
M. MuMBL. Well, ye will sit down to your work
anon, I trust.
Tib. Talk. Soft fire maketh sweet malt,^ good
Madge Mumblecrust.
M. MuMBL. And sweet malt maketh jolly good
ale for the nonce.
Tib. Talk. Wliich will slide down the lane ^
without any bones. [Cantet^
Old brown-bread crusts must have much good
mumbling ;
But good ale down your throat hath good easy
tumbling.
R. Roister (aside). The jolHest wench that ere
I heard ! Little mouse,
May I not rejoice that she shall dwell in my house 1
Tib. Talk. So, sirrah,^ now this gear beginneth
for to frame.
M. Mumbl. Thanks to God, though your work
stand still, your tongue is not lame.
Tib. Talk. And though your teeth be gone,
both so sharp and so fine,
^ Scolding. " Whur, to snarl like a dog." — Bailey.
- " Soft fier makes swet malt"; see "The Marriage of
"Wit and Wisdom," edited by Halliwell, p. 13. — Cooper.
^ [The throat, which we still familiarly term red lane.]
4 Songs introduced in our old plays are often not found
in the printed copies. Some of those in this piece, are,
however, given at the end, and others are introduced in the
hody of the play. In the above instance, perhaps, only an
air was to be hummed. — Cooper.
^ The terms Sirrah and -Sir appear to have been fre-
quently applied indififerently both to male and female. In
Whetstone's " Promos and Cassandra," 1578, Grymball says
to his mistress—
"Ah, syr, you woulde belike let my cocke-sparrovyes go."— Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 71
Yet your tongue can renne on pattens as well as
mine.
M. MuMBL. Ye were not for nought named Til)
Talkapace.
Tib. Talk. Doth my talk grieve you 1 Alack,
God save your grace !
M. MuMBL. I hold a groat, ye will drink anon
for this gear.
Tib. Talk. And I will not pray you the stripes
for me to bear.
M. MuMBL. I hold a penny, ye will drink with-
out a cup.
Tib. Talk. Whereinsoe'er ye drink, I wot ye
drink all up.
An. Alyface. By Cock,^ and well sewed, my
good Tibet Talkapace.
Tib. Talk. And e'en as well knit, my no^vn
Annot Alyface.
E. EoiSTER (aside). See what a sort she keepeth,
that must be my wife :
Shall not I, when I have her, lead a merry life ?
Tib. Talk. Welcome, my good wench, and sit
here by me just.
An. Alyface. And how doth our old beldame
here, Madge Mumblecrust 1
Tib. Talk. Chide and find fault, and threaten
to complain.
An. Alyface, To make us poor girls shent - tt)
her is small gain.
M. Muiubl. I did neither chide, nor complain,
nor threaten.
R. Roister (aside). It would grieve my heart
to see one of them beaten.
^ A corruption of the sacred name.
^ Scolded. It sometimes means ruined or destroyed. —
Cooper.
72 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
M. MuMBL. I did nothing but bid her work, and
hold her peace,
Tib. Talk, So would I, if you could your clat-
tering cease ;
But the devil cannot make old trot hold her tongue.
An, Alyface, Let all these matters pass, and
we three sing a song :
So shall we pleasantly both the time beguile now.
And eke despatch all our works, ere we can tell
how,
Tib, Talk. I shrew them that say nay, and that
shall not be I.
M. MuMBL, And I am well content,
Tib, Talk, Sing on then by and by,
E,, Roister {aside). And I \\dll not away, but
listen to their song ;
Yet Merrygreek and my folks tarry very long,
Tib., An,, and Margery do sing here.'^
Pipe, merry Annot, &c.
Trilla, Trilla, Trillary.
Worh, Tibet ; ivorh, Annot; 7vork, Margery;
Seiv, Tibet; knit, Annot ; sjnn, Margery.
Let tis see ivho tvill ivin the victory.
Tib, Talk. This sleeve is not willing to be sewed,
I trow.
A small thing might make me all in the ground to
throw.
^ [This song is quoted in " A Pore Helpe," probably
printed many years before "Ralph Koister Doister." See
Hazlitt's "Popular Poetry," ii., 260, It therefore seems
likely that in this, as in other cases, Udall introduced a
song popular at the time, and the composition of some one
else.]
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. (3
Then they sing again.
Pipe, merry A nnot, <i'c.
Trilla, Trilla, Trillary.
What, Tibet/ ivhat, Annot ! what, Margery I
Ye sleep, but we do not, that shall ive try,
Your fingers be numbed, our luorh tvill not lie.
Tib. Talk. If ye do so again — well, I would
advise you nay :
In good sooth, one stop more, and I make holy-
day !
They sing the third time.
Pipe, merry Annot, &c.
Trilla, Trilla, Trillary.
Now, Tibbet; noiv, Annot; now, Margery;
Noiv whippet apace for the maistry :
BxLt it will not be, our mouth is so dry.
Tib, Talk. Ah, each finger is a thumb to-day,
me-think :
I care not to let all alone, choose it swim or sink.
They sing the fourth time.
Pipe, merry Annot, d:c.
Trilla, Trilla, Trillary.
When, Tibbet? when, Annot? lohen, Margery?
I tvill not, — / can not, — no more can I.
Then give we all over, and there let it lie !
[Let her cast doiun her luorJc.
Tib. Talk. There it lieth! the worst is but a
curried coat.
Tut, I am used thereto : I care not a c;roat.
74 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
An Alyface. Have we done singing since]
then will I in again :
Here I found you, and here I leave both twain.
[Exeat.
M. MUMBL. And I will not be long after. Tib.
Talkapace ! [She discovers R. Roister Doister.
Tib. Talk. What is the matter ?
M. MuMBL. Yond stood a man all this space,
And hath heard all that ever we spake together.
Tib. Talk. Marry, the more lout he for his
coming hither,
And the less good he can to listen maidens talk.
I care not, and I go bid him hence for to walk :
It were well done to know what he maketh here-
away.
K. Roister. Now might I speak to them, if I
wist what to say. [Aside.
M. Mumbl. Nay, Ave will go both of 's, and see
what he is.
R. Roister {coming forward). One that heard
all your talk and singing, i-wis.
Tib. Talk. The more to blame you : a good
thrifty husband
Would elsewhere have had some better matters in
hand.
R. Roister. I did it for no harm ; but for good
love I bear
To your dame Mistress Custance I did your talk
hear.
And, mistress nurse, I will kiss you for acquaint-
ance.
M. Mumbl. I come anon, sir.
Tib. Talk. Faith, I would our dame Custance
SaAV this gear.
M. Mumbl. I must first wipe all clean, yea, I must.
Tib. Talk. Ill 'chieve it, doting fool, but it must
be cust.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 75
M. MUMBL. God 'ield you, sir; chad not so
much, i-chotte not when :
Ne'er since chwas born, chwine,^ of such a gay
gentleman.
R. Roister. I will kiss you too, maiden, for the
good will I bear ye.
Tib. Talk. No, forsooth, by your leave, ye shall
not kiss me.
E. EoiSTER, Yes, be not afeard ; I do not dis-
dain you a whit.
Tib, Talk. AVhy should I fear you 1 I have not
so little "wit ;
Ye are but a man, I know very well.
R. Roister. Why, then 1
Tib. Talk. Forsooth, for I will not : I use not
to kiss men.
R. Roister. I would fain kiss you too, good
maiden, if I might.
Tib. Talk. What should that need ?
R. Roister. But to honour you, by this light.
I use to kiss all them that I love, to God I vow.
Tib. Talk. Yea, sir 1 I jjray you, when did ye
last kiss your cow 1
R. Roister. Ye might be proud to kiss me, if
ye were wise.
Tib. Talk. What promotion were therein 1
R. Roister. Nurse is not so nice.
Tib. Talk. Well, I have not been taught to
kissing and licking.
R. Roister. Yet, I thank you, mistress nurse,
ye made no sticking.
M. Mumbl. I will not stick for a koss with sucli
a man as you.
^ i.e., " I had not so much, I wot not when : never since I
was born, I ween." She here speaks a rustic dialect. —
Coo2)er.
76 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
Tib. Talk. They that lust ! — I will again to
my sewing now.
An. Alyface.1 Tidings, ho ! tidings ! dame
Custance greeteth you well.
E. Roister. Whom ] me ]
An. Alyface. You, sir ? No, sir : I do no
such tale tell.
R. Roister. But, and she knew me here I —
An. Alfyace. Tibet Talkapace,
Your mistress Custance and mine must speak with
your grace.
Tib. Talk. With me ?
An. Alyface. You must come in to her, out of
all doubts.
Tib. Talk. And my work not half-done ? a
mischief on all louts ! [Bx. amb.
R. Roister. Ah, good sweet nurse !
M. Mumbl. Ah, good sweet gentleman !
R. Roister. Who? 2
M. Mumbl. Nay, I cannot tell, sir, but what
thing would you ?
R. Roister. How doth sAveet Custance, my
heart of gold, tell me how 1
M. Mumbl. She doth very well, sir, and com-
mand[s] me to you.
R. Roister. To me 1
M. Mumbl. Yea, to you, sir.
R. Roister. To me 1 nurse, tell me plain.
Tome?
M. Mumbl. Yea.
R. Roister. That word maketh me alive
again.
M. Mumbl. She command[ed] me to one last
day, whoe'er it was.
^ Her re-entrance is not marked. — Cooper.
- [Orig. reads, %chat.']
RALPH ROISTER DOLSTER. 77
E. EoiSTER. That was e'en to me and none other,
by the mass.
M. MuMBL. I cannot tell you surely, but one it
was.
E. EoiSTER. It was I and none other— this
Cometh to good pass.
I promise thee^ nurse, I favour her.
M. MuMBL. E'en so, sir 1
E. EoiSTER. Bid her sue to me for marriage.
M. MuMBL. E'en so, sir 1
E. EoiSTER. And surely for thy sake she shall
speed.
M. MuMBL. E'en so, sir 1
E. EoiSTER. I shall be contented to take her.
M. MuMBL. E'en so, sir 1
E. EoiSTER. But at thy request and for thy sake.
M. MuMBL. E'en so, sir 1
E, EoiSTER. And, come, hark in thine ear what
to say.
M. MmiBL. E'en so, sir 1
[Here let him tell her a great long tale in Iter ear.
ACTUS L, SC^NA IV.
Matthew Merrygreek, Dobinet Doughty,
Harpax, Ealph Eoister, Margery
MlBIBLECRUST.
M. Merry. Come on, sirs, apace, and 'cpiit your-
selves like men.
Your pains shall be rewarded.
D. Dough. But, I wot not when.
M. Merry. Do your master worship, as ye have
done in time past.
D. Dough. Speak to them : of mine office he
shall have a cast.
78 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
M. Merry. Harpax, look that thou do well too,
and thy fellow.
Harpax. I Avarrant, if he will mine example
follow.
M. Merry. Court'sy, whoresons : duck you and
crouch at every word.
D. Dough. Yes, whether our master speak ear-
nest or bord.i
M. Merry. For this lieth upon his preferment
indeed.
D. Dough. Oft is lie a wooer, hut never doth he
speed.
M. Merry. But with whom is he now so sadly
rounding ^ yond ?
D, Dough. With Nobs nicehectur miserere ^ fond.
M. Merry. God be at your wedding : be ye
sped already ?
I did not suppose that your love was so greedy.
I perceive now ye have chose of devotion ;
And joy have ye, lady, of your promotion !
R. Roister. Tush, fool, thou art deceived, this
is not she.
M. Merry. Well, mock ^ much of her, and keep
her Avell, I 'vise ye.
I will take no charge of such a fair piece keeping.
M. MUMBL. What aileth this fellow ? he driveth
me to weeping.
^ Joke. — Borde, hourd, or boord, as the word is spelled by
Spenser, means a jest or sport ; from the French Bourde —
"Of old adventures that fell white,
And some of bourdes and ribaudry."
— Laij le Freine. See Toone's Glossary. — Cooper.
^ Seriously whispering —
"And in his ear him rounded close behind."
—Faerie Queene, Book iii., Canto 10. — Cooper.
^ [Apparently intentional nonsense for nobis miscebetur
miserere. ]
■» [For make.'\
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER, 79
M. Merry. What, weep on the wedding-day?
be merry, woman :
Though I say it, ye have chose a good gentleman.
R. Roister. Kock's nowns,^ what meanest thou,
man ? tut, a wliistle.
M. Merry. Ah, sir, be good to her ; she is but
a gristle :
Ah, sweet lamb and coney !
R. Roister. Tut, thou art deceived,
M. Merry. Weep no more, lady, ye shall be
well received.
Up with some merry noise,- sirs, to bring home
the bride !
R. Roister. Gog's arms, knave, art thou mad ?
I tell thee thou art wide.
M. Merry. Then, ye intend by night to have
her home brought.
R. Roister. I tell thee, no.
M. Merry. How then 1
R. Roister. 'Tis neither meant ne thought.
M. Merry. What shall we then do Avith her 1
R. Roister. Ah, foolish harebrain.
This is not she.
M. Merry. No, is [not]. Why, then, unsaid
again !
And what young girl is this ■with your maship so
bold ?
R. Roister. A girl ]
M. Merry. Yea, I daresay, scarce yet threescore
year old.
R. Roister. This same is the fair widow's
nurse, of whom ye Avot.
M. Merry. Is she but a nurse of a house?
hence home, old trot !
^ God's wounds.
^ Music. So often used of old. — Cooper.
1
80 P.ALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
Hence at once !
R EoiSTER. No, no.
M. Merry. What, an' please your masbip,
A nurse talk so homely Avith one of your worship 1
R. Roister. I will have it so ; it is my pleasure
and will.
M. Merry. Then I am content. Nurse, come
again, tarry still.
R. Roister. AVhat, she will help forward this
my suit, for her part.
M. Merry. Then is't mine own pigsny, and
blessing on my heart !
R. Roister. This is our best friend, man.
M. Merry. Then teach her Avhat to say.
M. Mumbl. I am taught already.
M. Merry. Then go, make no delay.
R, Roister. Yet hark, one word in thine ear.
M. Merry. Back, sirs, from his tail !
R. Roister. Back, villains ; will ye be privy of
my counsel 1
M. Merry. Back, sirs ! So. I told you afore
ye would be shent.
R. Roister. She shall have the first day a whole
peck of argent.
M. Mumbl. A peck ! N'omine Patris, have ye
so much spare 1
R. Roister. Yea, and a cart-load thereto, or else
were it bare ;
Besides other moveables, household stuff and land.
M. Mumbl. Have ye lands too 1
R. Roister. An hundred marks.
M. Merry. Yea, a thousand.
M. Mumbl. Ancl have ye cattle too 1 and sheep
too?
R. Roister. Yea, a few.
M. Merry. He is ashamed the number of them
to show.
I
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 81
E'en round about him as many thousand sheep goes,
As he and thou, and I too, have fingers and toes.
M. MuMBL. And how many years old be you 1
R. Roister. Forty at least.
M. Merry. Yea, and thrice forty to them.
R. Roister. Nay, thou dost jest.
I am not so old : thou misreckonest my years.
M. Merry. I know that ; but my mind Avas on
bullocks and steers.
M. MuMBL. And what shall I show her your
mastership's name is "?
R. Roister. Nay, she shall make suit, ere she
know that, i-wis.
M. MuMBL. Yet let me somcAvhat kno^v^
M. Merry. This is he, understand
That killed the blue spider in Blanchepowder land.
M. MuMBL. Yea, Jesus, William, zee, law ! did
he zo, law ?
M. Merry. Yea, and the last elephant that ever
he saw,
As the beast passed by, he start out of a busk,^
And e'en with pure strength of arms plucked out
his great tusk.
M. Mumbl. Jesus, Nomine Pair is, what a thing
was that !
R. Roister. Yea, but, Merrygreek, one thing
thou hast forgot.
M. Merry, \\1iat 1
R. Roister. Of tli' other elephant.
M. Merry. 0, him that fled away 1
R. Roister. Yea.
M. Merry. Yea, he knew that his match was
in place that day.
^ A copse or bush. See " Tempest," act iv., sc. 1.
"And every boslcy bourn frcm side to side.' — Milton.
— Cooper.
VOL. in. F
82 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
Tut, lie bet the King of Crickets on Christmas-day,
That he crept in a hole, and not a word to say.
M. MUMBL. A sore man, by zembletee.^
M. Merry. Why, he wrong a club
Once in a fray out of the hand of Belzebub.
E. Roister. And how when Mumfision —
M. Merry. 0, your costreling
Bore tlie lantern a-field so before the gozeling
Nay, that is too long a matter now to be told.
Never ask his name, nurse, I warrant thee, be bold :
He conquered in one day from Rome to Naples,
And won towns, nurse, as fast as thou canst make
apples.
M. MuMBL. Lord ! my heart quaketh for
fear, he is so sore.
R. Roister. Thou makest her too much afeard,
Merrygreek ; no more.
This tale would fear my sweetheart Custance
right evil.
M. Merry. Nay, let her take him, nurse, and
fear not the devil.
But thus is our song dasht — sirs, ye may home
again. ['To the music.
R. Roister. No, shall they not. I charge you
all here to remain :
The villain slaves ! — a Avliole day, ere they can be
found !
M. Merry, Couch on your marybones, whore-
sons, down to the ground !
Was it meet he should tarry so long in one place,
Without harmony of music or some solace 1
Whoso hath such bees as your master in his head
Had need to have his spirits with music be fed.
By your mastership's licence —
R. Roister. What is that 1 a mote !
^ [Appearance, quasi semblety, semblance.]
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 83
M. Merry. No, it was a fowl's feather liad light
on your coat.
R. Roister. I was nigh no feathers, since I came
from my bed.
M. Merry. No, sir, it was a hair that Avas fall
from your head.
R. Roister, My men come, Avhen it please
them.
M. Merry. By your leave —
R. Roister. What is that ?
M. Merry. Your gown was foul spotted A\-ith
the foot 1 of a gnat,
R. Roister. Their master to offend they are
nothing afeard.
What now "?
M. Merry. A lousy hair from your mastership's
beard.
And sir, for nurse's sake, pardon this one offence.
Omnes Famuli. We shall not after this show
the like negligence.
R. Roister. I pardon you this once ; and, come,
sing ne'er the worse.
M. Merry. How like you the goodness of this
gentleman, nurse 1
M. MuMBL. God save his mastersliip, that can
so his men forgive !
And I will hear them sing, ere I go, by his leave.
R, Roister. Marry, and thou shalt, wench :
come, we two will dance.
M. MuMBL. Nay, I will by mine own self foot
the song perchance.
R, Roister. Go it, sirs, lustily.
[Betires to icrite a letter.
M. MuMBL. Pipe up a merry note,
^ [Should we not read/wie ? See Halliwell in v.]
84 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
Let me hear it played, I will foot it for a groat.
[Cantent.^
R. Roister. Now, nurse, take this same letter
here to thy mistress ;
And as my trust is in thee, ply my business,
M. MuMBL. It shall be done.
M. Merry. Who made it ?
R. Roister. I wrote it each whit,
M. Merry. Then needs it no mending 1
R. Roister. No, no.
M. Merry. No, I know your wit.
R. Roister. I warrant it well.
M. MuMBL. It shall be delivered ;
But, if ye sjDeed, shall I be considered 1
M. Merry. Whough ! dost thou doubt of that 1
M. MuMBL. What shall I have ?
M. Merry. An hundred times more than thou
canst devise to crave.
M. Mumbl. Shall I have some new gear, for my
old is all spent 1
M. Merry. The worst kitchen wench shall go
in ladies' raiment.
M. Mumbl. Yea 1
M. Merry. And the worst drudge in the house
shall go better
Than your mistress doth now.
M. Mumbl. Then I trudge with your letter.
R. Roister. Now may I repose me : Custance
is mine own.
Letussing and play homeward, that itmaybe known.
M. Merry. But are you sure that your letter is
well enough 1
R. Roister. I -wTote it myself.
M. Merry. Then sing we to dinner.
[IIe}-e they sing, and go out singing.
^ See the second song at the end of the play. — Cooper.
I
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 85
ACTUS L, SC^NA 5.
Christian Custance, Margery Mumblecrust.
C. Custance. Who took tliee this letter, Mar-
gery Mumblecrust 1
M. MuMBL. A lusty gay bachelor took it me of
trust,
And if ye seek to him, he Avill love your doing.
C. Custance. Yea, but where learned he that
manner of wooing 1
M. MuMBL. If to sue to liim you will any pains
take.
He will have ycu to his wife (he saith) for my
sake.
C. Custance. Some wise gentleman belike : 1
am bespoken.
And I thought verily this had been some token
From my dear spouse,^ Gawin Goodluck, whom
when him please,
God luckily send home to both our hearts' ease !
M. MuMBL. A jolly man it is, I wot well by
report,
And would have you to him for marriage resort.
Best open the writing, and see what it doth speak.
C. Custance. At this time, nurse, I ^vill neither
read ne break.
M. MuMBL. He promised to give you a whole
peck of gold,
C. Custance. Perchance, [t'will] lack of a pint,
when it shall be all told.
M. MuMBL. I would take a gay rich husband,
and I were you.
^ The word spouse is here used for betrothed lover. —
Cooper,
86 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
C. CusTANCE. In good sooth, Madge, e'en so
would I, if I were thou.^
But no more of this fond talk now ; let us go in.
And see thou no more move me folly to begin ;
Nor bring me no mo letters for no man's pleasure.
But thou know from whom.
M. MuMBL. I warrant, ye shall be sure.
ACTUS II., SC^NA 1.2
DoBiNET Doughty.
D. Dough. Where is the house I go to, before
or behind 1
I know not where nor when, nor how I shall it
find.
If I had ten men's l)odies and legs, and strength,
This trotting that I have must needs lame me at
length.
And now that my master is new-set on wooing,
I trust there shall none of us find lack of doing :
Two pair of shoes a day will now be too little
To serve me, I must trot to and fro so mickle.
" Go bear me this token ;" " carry me this letter ;"
Now this is the best Avay ; now that way is better.
" Up before day, sirs, I charge you, an hour or
twain ;
Trudge, do me this message, and bring word quick
again."
If one miss but a minute, then, " His arms and
wounds.
^ The idea is borrowed from Alexander's celebrated reply
to Parmenio. — Cooper.
' A night has passed between the first and second acts. —
Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 87
I would not have slacked for ten thousand
pounds !
Nay see, I beseech you, if my most trusty page
Go not now about to hinder my marriage "
So fervent hot wooing, and so far from wiving,
I trow, never was any creature living ;
With every woman is he in some love's-pang ;
Then up to our lute at midnight, twangledom twanff.
Then twang with our sonnets, and twang with our
dum})s,i
And heigho from our heart, as heavy as lead-lumps.
Then to our recorder - with toodleloodle poox>,
As the howlet out of an ivy bush should hoop.
Anon to our gittern,^ thrumpleduni thrumpledum
thrum,,
Tlirumpleduin, thrunipledum, thrumpleduni, tltrurn-
pledum, tJirnm.
Of songs and ballads also he is a maker,
And that can he as finely do as Jack Raker ; *
Yea, and extempore will he ditties compose ;
Foolish Marsias ne'er made the like, I suppose ;
Yet must we sing them, as good stuff, I undertake,
As for such a pen-man is well fitting to make.
" All, for these long nights ! heigho ! when will it
be day 1
I fear, ere I come, she will be wooed away."
Then, Avhen answer is made, that it may not be,
" death, why comest thou not ] " by and by
saith he.
1 A tune : generally a mournful one.
- A flageolet.
^ A lute, or guitar.
* " What have ye of the Lord Dakers?
He maketh vs Jacke Rakers;
Ue says we are but crakers."
— Skelton's Why come ye not to Court ?
See also the same author's "Spoke Parrot." — Cooper.
88 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
But then from his heart to put away sorrow,
He is as far in with some new love next morrow.
But, in the mean season, we trudge and we trot :
From dayspring to midnight I sit not nor rest not.
And now am I sent to dame Christian Custance ;
But I fear it will end with a mock for pastance.^
I bring her a ring with a token in a clout,
And by all guess this same is her house out of
doubt.
I know it now perfect, I am in my right way ;
And lo ! yond the old nurse that was with us last
day.
ACTUS II., SCJENA 2.
■ Madge Mumblecrust, Dobinet Doughty.
M. MuMBL. I was ne'er so shoke ^ up afore, since
I was born :
That our mistress could not have had chid, I would
have sworn.
And I pray God I die, if I meant any harm ;
But for my lifetime this shall be to me a charm,
D. Dough. God you save and see, nurse ! and
how is it with you 1
M. MuMBL. Marry, a great deal the worse it is
for such as thou.
D. Dough. For me 1 Why so 1
M. MuMBL. AVliy, were not thou one of them,
say,
1 Passe-tevips, pastime, sport. So in act iv., sc. vi. —
"Do ye think, Dame Custance,
Tliat in this wooing I have meant ought hnt pastance t"
Again, act v., scene 2 —
" Truly, most dear spouse, nought was done but for pastance."
— Cooper.
2 [Shaken.]
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 89
That sang and played here with the gentleman
last day ]
D. Dough. Yes, and he would know, if you
have for him spoken.
And prays you to deliver this ring and token.
M. MuMBL. Now, by the token that God tokened,
brother,
I will deliver no token, one nor other.
I have once been so shent for your master's plea-
sure,
As 1 ■will not be again for all his treasure.
D. Dough. He will thank you, woman.
M. MUMBL. I will none of his thank.
[Bxit If. 3fumllJ
D. Dough. I ween I am a prophet ; this gear
will prove blank.
But what, should I home again without answer go?
It were better go to Rome on my head than so.^
I will tarry here this month, but some of the house
Shall take it of me, and then I care not a louse.
But yonder cometh forth a wench or a lad :
If he have not one Lombard's touch,^ my luck is
bad.
ACTUS II., SC^NA 3.
TRUEPENNY, D. DOUGH., TIBET T., ANNOT AL.
Truepenny. I am clean lost for lack of merry
company ;
We 'gree not half well within, our wenches and I :
1 [In the original, D. Doughty is made to go out.]
^ [Perhaps a sort of allusion to the proverb, To go to Rome
with a mortar on one's head.]
^ A Lombard's touchstone, to try gold and silver. See
" Kichard III.," act iv., sc. 2. — Cooper.
90 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
They will command like mistresses, they aWU
forbid ;
If they be not served, Truepenny must be chid.
Let them be as merry now, as ye can desire :
With turning of a hand our mirth lieth in the
mire.
I cannot skill of such changeable mettle,
There is nothing with them but. In dock, out
nettle.^
D. Dough. Whether is it better that I speak to
him first,
Or he first to me 1 It is good to cast the worst.
If I begin first, he will smell all my purpose :
Otherwise I shall not need anything to disclose.
[Aside.
Truepenny. What boy have we yonder 1 I
will see what he is.
D. Dough. He cometh to me. It is hereabout,
i-wis. [Askfe.
Truepenny. Wouldest thou ought, friend, that
thou lookest so about ?
D. Dough. Yea ; but whether ye can help me
or no, I doubt.
I seek to one Mistress Custance house here dwelling.
Truepenny. It is my mistress ye seek to, by
your telling.
D. Dough. Is there any of that name here but
she?
Truepenny. Not one in all the whole town
that I know, parde.
D. Dough. A widow she is, I trow.
Truepenny. And what, and she be 1
D. Dough. But ensured to an husband ?
Truepenny. Yea, so think we.
1 A proverbial expression, relating to a still common
practice. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. Ol
D. Dough. And I dwell with her liusband that
trusteth to be.
Truepenny. In faith, then must thou needs be
welcome to me.
Let us, for acquaintance, shake hands together,
And, whate'er thou be, heartily welcome hither.
Tib. Talk.i Well, Truepenny, never but fling-
ing?
An. Alyface. And frisking 1
Truepenny. Well, Tibet and Annot, still
swinging and wliisking 1
Tib. Talk. But ye roil abroad.
An. Alyface. In the street everywhere.
Truepenny. Where are ye twain 1 in chambers,
when ye meet me there 1
But come hither, fools : I have one now by the
hand.
Servant to him that must be our mistress' husband ;
Bid him welcome.
An. Alyface. To me truly he is welcome.
Tib. Talk. Forsooth and, as I may say, heartily
welcome.
D. Dough. I thank you, mistress maids.
An. Alyface. I hope we shall better know.
Tib. Talk. And when will our new master
come 1
D. Dough. Shortly, I trow.
Tib. Talk. I Avould it were to-morrow ; for, till
he resort.
Our mistress, being a widow, hath small comfort :
And I heard our nurse speak of an husband to-
day,
Eeady for our mistress ; a rich man and a gay.
And we shall go in our French hoods every day :
In our silk cassocks (I warrant you) fresh and gay ;
^ Tib and Annot would seem to enter here. — Cooper.
93 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
In our trick ferdegews and billiments of gold ;
Brave in our suits of change, seven double fold.
Then shall ye see Tibet, sirs, tread the moss so
trim ;
Nay, why said I tread 1 ye shall see her glide and
swim ;
Not lumperdy-clumperdy, like our spaniel Eig.
Truepenny. Marry, then, prick-me-dainty; come,
toast me a fig.
Who shall then know our Tib Talkapace, trow ye 1
An. Alyface. And why not Annot Alyface as
fine as she?
Truepenny. And what, had Tom Truepenny a
father or none 1
An. Alyface. Then our pretty new-come-man
will look to be one.
Truepenny. We four, I trust, shall be a jolly
merry knot.
Shall we sing a fit ^ to welcome our friend, Annot ?
An. Alyface. Perchance, he cannot sing.
D. Dough. I am at all assays.
Tib. Talk. By Cock, and the better Avelcome to
us ahvays.
Ila'e they sing :
A thing very fit
For them that have wit,
And are fellows knit,
Servants in one house to be ;
As fast for to sit,
And not oft to flit,
Nor vary a whit.
But lovingly to agree.
^ A fit usually means the division of a ballad, but here it
is to be understood as a song. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER BOLSTER. 93
No 7)10)1 complahimg,
No othe)' disda'ming,
For loss or for gaming.
But felloivs or frie)uls to be;
No grudge remaming,
No work refraining,
Nor help restraining,
But lovingly to agree.
No man for despite,
By word or by write,
His fellow to twite,
But further in honesty ;
No good turns e)itwite,
Nor old sores recite,
But let all go quite,
And lovingly to agree.
After drudge)-y,
When they be tveary,
Then to he merry.
To laugh and sing they be free ;
With chip and cherry,
Heigh derry derry,
Trill 0)1 the bery,
And lovingly to agree.
Tib. Talk. Will you now in with us unto our
mistress go ?
D. Dough. I have first for my master an errand
or two.
But I have here from him a token and a ring ;
They shall have most thank of her, that first doth
it bring.
Tib. Talk. Marry, that will I.
94 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
Truepenny. See, and Tibet snatch not now !
Tib. Talk. And why may not I, sir, get thanks
as well as you 1 [Exit.
An. Alyface. Yet get ye not all, we will go
with you both,
And have part of your thanks, be ye never so loth.
[Exit omnes.
D, Dough. So my hands are rid of it, I care for
no more.
I may now return home : so durst I not afore.
[Exit.
ACTUS II., SC^NA 4.
C. Custance, Tibet, Annot Alyface,
Truepenny.
C. Custance. Nay, come forth all three ; and
come hither, pretty maid :
Will not so many forewarnings make you afraid 1
Tib. Talk. Yes, forsooth.
C. Custance. But still be a runner up and
down 1
Still be a bringer of tidings and tokens to town ?
Tib. Talk. No, forsooth, mistress.
C. Custance. Is all your delight and joy
In whisking and ramping abroad, like a Tom-boy 1
Tib. Talk. Forsooth, these were there too, Annot
and Truepenny.
Truepenny. Yea, but ye alone took it, ye can-
not deny.
An. Alyface. Yea, that ye did.
Tib. Talk. But, if 1 had not, ye twain would.
C. Custance. You great calf, ye should have
more wit, so ye should. [To Truep.
But why should any of you take such things in
hand?
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 95
Tib. Talk. Because it came from liim that must
be your husband.
C. CusTANCE. How do ye know that ?
Tib. Talk. Forsooth, the boy did say so.
C. CuSTANCE. What was his name ?
An. Alyface. We asked not.
C. CusTANCE. No, did [ye not 1]
An. Alyface. He is not far gone, of likelihood.
Truepenny. I Avill see.
C. Custance. If thou canst find him in the
street, bring him to me.
Truepenny. Yes. [Exeat.
C. Custance. Well, ye naughty girls, if ever I
perceive
That henceforth you do letters or tokens receive,
To bring unto me from any person or place,
Except ye first show me the party face to face,
Either thou, or thou, full truly abi' ^ thou shalt.
Tib. Talk. Pardon this, and the next time
powder me in salt.
C. Custance. I shall make all girls by you
twain to beware.
Tib. Talk. If I ever offend again, do not me spare.
But if ever I see that false boy any more,
By your mistresship's licence, I tell you afore,
I will rather have my coat twenty times swinged,
Thau on the naughty wag not to be avenged. ■
C. Custance. Good wenches would not so ramp
abroad idly,
But keep within doors, and ply their work ear-
nestly.
If one would speak with me, that is a man likely,
Ye shall have right good thank to bring me word
quickly ;
1 i.e., Abide the consequences, rue, or suffer for. See "A
Midsummer Night's Dream," act iii., sc. 2.— Cooper.
96 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
But otherwise with messages to come in post,
From henceforth I promise you shall be to your cost.
Get you into your work.
Tib. and Annot. Yes, forsooth.
C. CuSTANCE, Hence, both twain.
And let me see you play me such a part again !
[Ex. Tib. and Annot.
Truepenny [re-entering). Mistress, I have run
past the far end of the street.
Yet can I not yonder crafty boy see nor meet.
C. Custance. No !
Truepenny. Yet Hooked as farbeyond the people
As one may see out of the top of Paul's steeple.
C. Custance. Hence, in at doors, and let me no
more be vext !
Truepenny. Forgive me this one fault, and lay
on for the next.^
C. Custance. Now will I in too, for I think, so
God me mend,
This will prove some foolish matter in the end.
\_Exeat.
ACTUS HI., SCtENA 1.
Matthew Merrygreek.
M. Merry. Now say this again : he hath some-
what to doing
Which followeth the trace of one that is wooing ;
Specially that hath no more wit in his head.
Than my cousin Roister Doister withal is led.
I am sent in all haste to espy and to mark,
How our letters and tokens are likely to wark.
1 Truepenny goes out here, but the old copy omits his
exit,— Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER BOLSTER. 97
Master Roister Bolster must have answer in liaste,
For he loveth not to spend much labour in waste.
Now as for Christian Custance, by this light,
Though she had not her troth to Gawin Goodluck
plight,
Yet rather than with such a loutish dolt to marry,
I daresay would live a poor life solitary.
But fain wovild I sj^eak with Custance, if I wist how.
To lauah at the matter. Yond cometh one forth
ACTUS III, SC^NA 2.
Tibet. M. Merrygreek (aside).
Tib. Talk. Ah ! that I might but once in my
life have a sight
Of him who made us all so ill-shent ! By this light,
He should never escape, if I had him by the ear,
But even from his head I would it bite or tear.
Yea, and if one of them were not enou',
I would bite them both off, I make God avow.
M. Merry. What is he, whom this little mouse
doth so threaten ? [Aside.
Tib. Talk. I would teach him, I trow, to make
girls shent or beaten.
M. Merry. I will call her. Maid, with whom
are ye so hasty 1
Tib. Talk. Not with you, sii-, but with a little
wage-pasty ;
A deceiver of folks by subtle craft and guile.
M. Merry. I know where she is : Dobinet hath
wrought some wile.
Tib. Talk. He brought a ring and token,
which he said was sent
From our dame's husband, but I wot well I was
shent ;
VOL. III. G
98 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
For it liked her as well (to tell you no lies)
As water in a ^ ship, or salt cast in her eyes :
And yet, whence it came, neither we nor she can tell.
M. Merry. We shall have sport anon : I like
this very well. [Aside.
And dwell ye here with mistress Custance, fair maid'?
Tib. Talk. Yea, marry do I, sir : what would
ye have said 1
M. Merry. A little message unto her, by word
of mouth.
Tib. Talk. No messages, by your leave, nor
tokens forsooth.
M. Merry. Then help me to speak with her.
Tib. Talk. With a good will that.
Here she cometh forth. Now speak — ye know
best what,
C. Custance. None other life with you, maid,
but abroad to skip 1
Tib. Talk. Forsooth, here is one would speak
with your mistresship.
C. Custance. Ah, have ye been learning of mo
messages now ?
Tib. Talk. I would not hear his mind, but bad
him show it to you.
C. Custance. In at doors ! i
Tib. Talk. I am gone. [Exit.
M. Merry. Dame Custance, God ye save !
C. Cltstance. Welcome, friend Merrygreek ;
and what thing would ye have ?
M. Merry. I am come to you a little matter to
break.
C. Custance. But see it be honest, else better
not to speak.
M. Merry. How feel ye yourself affected here
of late 1
1 [Original, /<er.]
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 99
C. CuSTANCE. I feel no manner change, but after
the old rate.
But whereby do ye mean ?
M. Merry. Concerning marriage.
Doth not love lade you ?
C. CuSTANCE. I feel no such carriage.
M. Merry. Do ye feel no pangs of dotage?
Answer me right.
C. CusTANCE. I doat so, that I make but one
sleep all the night.
But what need all these words 1
M. Merry. Jesus ! will ye see
What dissembling creatures these same women be 1
[Aside.
The gentleman ye wot of, whom ye do so love.
That ye would fain marry him, if he durst it move,
Among other rich widows which are of him glad,
Lest ye for lesing of him perchance might run
mad.
Is now contented that, upon your suit making,
Ye be as one in election of taking.
C. CuSTANCE. What a tale is this ! That I wot
of ! Whom I love !
M. Merry. Yea, and he is as loving a worm
again as a dove.
E'en of very pity he is willing you to take,
Because ye shall not destroy yourself for his sake.
C. CuHTANCE. Marry, God 'ield^ his maship !
whatever he be.
It is gentmanly spoken,
M. Merry. Is it not, trow ye 1
If ye have the grace now to offer yourself, ye
speed.
C. Cu STANCE. As much as though I did ; this
time it shall not need.
1 [Shield.]
100 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
But what gentleman is it, I pray you tell me plain,
That wooeth so finely 1
M. Merry. Lo, where ye be again !
As though ye knew him not !
C. CusTANCE. Tush ! ye speak in jest.
M. Merry. Nay, sure the party is in good
knacking earnest,
And have you he will (he saith) and have you he
must.
C. CusTANCE. I am promised during my life,
that is just.
M. Merry. Marry, so thinketh he — unto him
alon^.
C. CusTANCE. No creature hath my faith and
troth but one,
That is Gawin Goodluck : and if it be not he.
He hath no title this way, whatever he be.
For I know none to whom I have such words
spoken.
M. Merry. Ye know him not, you, by his letter
and token 1
C. CuSTANCE. Indeed true it is, that a letter I
have,
But I never read it yet, as God me save.
M. Merry. Ye a woman 1 and your letter so
long unread !
C. CusTANCE. Ye may thereby know what haste
I have to wed.
But now, who is it for my hand 1 I know by
guess.
M. Merry. Ah ! well, I say —
C. CusTANCE. It is Koister Doister, doubtless.
M. Merry. Will ye never leave this dissimula-
tion 1
Ye know him not 1
C. CusTANCE. But by imagination ;
For no man there is, but a very dolt and lout,
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER, 101
Tliat to WOO a widow would so go about.
He shall never have me his wife, while he do live.
M. Merry. Then will he have you if he may.
so mot I thrive ;
And he biddeth you send hijn word by me,
That ye humbly beseech him ye may his wife be,
And that there shall be no let in you nor mistrust,
But to be wedded on Sunday next, if he lust ;
And biddeth you to look for him.
C. CuSTANCE. Doth he bid so 1
M. Merry. When he cometh, ask him whether
he did or no 1
C. CusTANCE. Go say, that I bid him keep him
warm at home,
For, if he come abroad, he shall cough me a mome.^
My mind was vexed, I 'shrew his head, sottish
dolt.
M. Merry. He hath in his head —
C. CusTANCE. As much brain as a burbolt.^
M. Merry. Well, dame Custance, if he hear
you thus play choploge.^
0. Custance. What will he ?
M. Merry. Play the devil in the hoi-ologe.*
C. Custance. I defy him, lout.
M. Merry. Shall I tell him what ye say 1
^ A fool or blockhead. See act v., scenes 2 and 5.
" Cough me a fool " is common in old plays. — Cooper.
^ A birdbolt, a short, thick arrow, with a blunt head,
chiefly made use of to kill rooks. It appears to liave been
looked upon as an emblem of dulness. So in Marston's
" What you Will," 1607—
" Ignorance should shoot
His gross-knobb'd bird-bult."
3 [Chop-logic]
4 " The divell is in th' orloge, the houres to trye :
Searche houres by the sun, the devylls dyall will lie.''
— Haywood's Proverbs.
—Cooper.
102 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
C. CuSTANCE. Yea, and add whatsoever thou
canst, I thee pray,
And I will avouch it, whatsoever it be.
M. Merry. Then let me alone ; we will laugh
well, ye shall see :
It will not be long, ere he will hither resort.
C. Custance. Let him come when him lust, I
wish no better sport.
Fare ye well : I will in, and read my great letter :
I shall to my wooer make answer the better.
[Exeat.
ACTUS III, SC^NA 3.
Matthew Merrygreek.
M. Merry. Now that the whole answer in my
device doth rest,
I shall paint out our wooer in colours of the best,
And all that I say shall be on Custance's mouth,
She is author of all that I shall speak, forsooth.
But yonder cometh Roister Doister now in a trance.
[E7iter R. RoiSTER.]
R. Roister. Juno send me this day good luck
and good chance !
I cannot but come see how Merrygreek doth speed.
M. Merry. I will not see him, but give him a
jut ^ indeed.
I cry your mastership mercy !
R. Roister. And whither now ?
M. Merry. As fast as I could run, sir, in post
against you.
But why speak ye so faintly, or why are ye so sad 1
^ A jostle.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 103
E. EoiSTER. Thou knowest the i)roverb — he-
cause I c.annot be had.
Hast thou spoken with this Avoman 1
M. Merry. Yea, that I have.
E. EoiSTER. And what, will this gear be ?
M. Merry. No, so God me save.
E. EoiSTER. Hast thou a flat answer ]
M. Merry. Nay, a sharp answer.
E. EoiSTER. What?
M. Merry. Ye shall not (she saith), by her will,
marry her cat.
Ye are such a calf, such an ass, such a block,
Such a lilburn, such a hobil, such a lobcock ;
And because ye should come to her at no season,
She despised your maship out of all reason.
" Beware what ye say (ko I) of such a gentleman !"
" Nay, I fear him not (ko she), do the best he
can."
He vaunteth himself for a man of prowess great.
Whereas a good gander, I dare say, may him
beat.
And where he is louted ^ and laughed to scorn,
For the veriest dolt that ever was born :
And veriest lubber, sloven and beast.
Living in this world from the west to the east ;
Yet of himself hath he such opinion.
That in all the world is not the like minion.
He thinketh each woman to be brought in dotage
With the only sight of his goodly personage :
Yet none that will have him : Ave do him lout
and flock.
And make him among us our common sporting-
stock ;
And so would I now (ko she), save only because —
^ Mocked or devised for a lout. See '" First Part of Henry
VI.," act iv., scene 3. — Cooper.
104 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
"Better nay (ko I)." "I lust not meddle Avith
daws."
" Ye are happy (ko I) that ye are a woman :
This would cost you your life, in case ye were a
man."
R. EoiSTER. Yea, an hundred thousand pound
should not save her life.
M. Merry. No, but that ye woo her to have
her to your wife ;
But I could not stop her mouth.
E. Roister. Heigho, alas !
M. Merry. Be of good cheer, man, and let the
world pass.^
R. Roister. What shall I do or say, now that it
Avill not be ?
M. Merry. Ye shall have choice of a thousand
as good as she ;
And ye must pardon her ; it is for lack of wit.
R. Roister. Yea, for were not I an husband for
her fit ]
Well, what should I now do 1
M. Merry. I'faith, I cannot tell.
R. Roister. I will go home, and die.
M. Merry. Then shall I bid toll the bell 1
R. Roister. No.
M. Merry. God have mercy on your soul : ah,
good gentleman.
That e'er you should thus die for an unkind woman !
Will ye drink once, ere ye go 1
E. Roister. No, no, I will none.
M. Merry. How feels your soul to God 1
R. Roister. I am nigh-gone.
1 A proverbial expression of heedless jollity. See the
Induction to the " Taming of the Shrew," where Shj ex-
claims : " Paucas pallab7-is ; let the world slide ; Sessa ! " —
Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 105
M. Merry. And shall we hence straight 1
R. Roister. Yea.
M. Merry. Placebo dilfixi. [ut infm.^
Master Roister Doister will straight go home, and
die.
R. Roister. Heigho, alas ! the pangs of death
my heart do break.
M. Merry. Hold your peace, for shame, sir ! a
dead man may not speak
Ne quando. What mourners and what torches shall
we have ?
R. Roister. None.
M. Merry. Dirige, He will go darkling to his
grave :
Neque lux, neque crux, neque mourners, neque clink,
He will steal to heaven, unkno^ving to God, I think,
A porta inferi. Who shall your goods possess 1
R. Roister. Thou shalt be my sector,^ and have
all, more or less.
M. Merry. Requiem ceternam. Now, God re-
ward your mastership,
And I will cry halfpenny-dole for your worship,
Come forth, sirs ; hear the doleful news I shall you
tell. \^Evocat servos milites.
Our good master here will no longer with us dwell,
But in spite of Custance, which hath him wearied,
Let us see his maship solemnly buried ;
And while some piece of his soul is yet him within,
Some part of his funerals let us here begin.
Audivi vocem. All men take heed by this one gen-
tleman,
How you set your love upon an unkind woman :
For these women be all such mad, peevish elves.
They will not be won, except to please themselves.
^ See the Psalmody at the end of the Comedy. —Cooper.
^ Executor.
lOG RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
But, in faitli, distance, if ever ye come in hell,
Master Roister Doister shall serve you as well —
And will ye needs go from us thus in very deed l
R. Roister. Yea, in good sadness.
M. Merry. Now Jesus Christ be your speed.
Good night, Roger, old knave ! farewell, Roger, old
knave !
Good night, Roger, old knave, knave knap !
[tit infra.^
Pray for the late master Roister Doister's soul,
And come forth, parish clerk ; let the passing-bell
toll. \Ad servos milites.
Pray for your master, sirs ; and for him ring a peal.
He was your right good master, while he was in
heal,
R. Roister. Qui Lazarum.
Heigho !
M. Merry. Dead men go not so fast in Para-
disuvi.
R. Roister. Heigho !
M. Merry. Soft, hear what I have cast.
R. Roister. I will hear nothing, I am past.
M. Merry. Whough, wellaway !
Ye may tarry one hour, and hear what I shall say.
Ye were best, sir, for awhile to revive again,
And quite them, ere ye go.
R. Roister. Trowest thou so ?
M. Merry. Yea, plain.
R. Roister. How may I revive, being now so
far past ?
M. Merry. I will rub your temples, and fet you
again at last.
R. Roister. It will not be possible.
M. Merry. Yes, for twenty pound.
R. Roister. Arms ! what dost thou ?
1 See the end of the Comedy. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. lOT
M. Merry. Fet you again out of your sound. ^
By this cross, ye were nigh gone indeed ; I might
feel
Your soul departing within an inch of your heel.
Now folloAV my counsel —
K. EoiSTER. What is it ?
M. Merry. If I were you,
Custance should eft seek to me, ere I would bow.
E,. Roister. Well, as thou wilt have me, even
so Avill I do.
M. Merry. Then shall ye revive again for an
hour or two.
R. Roister. As thou wilt : I am content, for a
little space.
M. Merry. Good hap is not hasty : yet in space
cometli grace.
To .speak with Custance yourself should be very
well;
What good thereof may come, nor I nor you can
tell.
But now the matter standeth upon your marriage,
Ye must now take unto you a lusty carriage. ^
Ye may not speak with a faint heart to Custance.
But with a lusty breast ^ and countenance.
That she may know she hath to answer to a man.
R. Roister. Yes, I can do that as well as any
can.
M. Merry. Then, because ye must Custance
face to face woo,
Let us see how to behave yourself ye can do.
Ye must have a portly brag after your estate.
R. Roister. Tush, I can handle that after the
best rate.
M. Merry. Well done ; so, lo ! up, man, with
your head and cliin !
^ [Swoon.] ^ [Original, courage] •* Voice.
108 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
Up with that snout, man : so lo ! now ye begin.
So, that is somewhat like ; but, pranky-coat, nay
when ?
That is a lusty brute ! hands unto your side, man :
So, lo ! now is it even as it should be ;
That is somewhat like for a man of your degree.
Then must ye stately go, jetting up and down.^
Tut ! can ye no better shake the tail of your gown ?
There, lo ! such a lusty brag it is ye must make.
K. Roister. To come behind, and make curts'y,"^
thou must some pains take.
M. Merry. Else were I much to blame, I
thank your mastership ;
The Lord one day all-to begrime you with worship.
Back, Sir Sauce ! let gentlefolks have elbow-room.
'Void, sirs, see ye not Master Roister Doister come 1
Make place, my masters—
R. Roister. Thou jostlest now too nigh.
M. Merry. Back, all rude louts.
R. Roister. Tush.
M. Merry. I cry your maship mercy.
Hoiday ! if fair fine Mistress Custance saw you noAV,
Ralph Roister Doister were her oAvn, I warrant yon.
R. Roister. Ne'er a master by your girdle t
M. Merry. Your good Mastership's
Mastership were her own mistresship's mistres-
ship's.
Ye were take up for hawks ; ye were gone, ye were
gone :
But now one other thing more yet I think upon.
R. Roister. Show what it is.
M. Merry. A wooer, be he never so poor,
Must play and sing before his best-beloved's door.
^ Walking with an air or swing.
- Formerly applied to any kind of obeisance, either of
man or woman. — Cooper.
I
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 109
How much more then you ?
K. Roister, Thou speakest well, out of doubt.
And pei'chance that would make her the sooner
come out.^
Go call my musicians ; bid them hie apace.
M. Merry. I will be here A\ith them, ere ye can
say trey ace. [Exeat.
R. Roister. This was well said of Merrygreek,
I 'low his ^^^t,
Before my sAveetheart's door we will have a fit,
That, if my love come forth, I may with her talk :
I doubt not but this gear shall on my side walk.
But lo ! how Avell Merrygreek is returned since.
M. Merry. 2' There hath grown no grass on my
heel, since I Avent hence :
Lo ! here have I brought that shall make you
pastance.
R. Roister. Come, sirs, let us sing, to Avin my
dear love Custance. [CanteiU.''^
M. Merry. Lo, Avhere she cometh ! some coun-
tenance to her make ;
And ye shall hear me be plain Avith her for your
sake.
ACTUS III, SC^NA 4.
Custance, Merrygreek, Roister Doister.
C. Custance. WTiat gauding and fooling is this
afore my door 1
M. Merry. May not folks be honest, pray you,
though they be poor 1
^ [Original gives this line to Merrygreek.]
- The re-entry is not marked in the old copy. — Cooper.
• '■* See the iourth song at the end of the Comedy. — Cooper
110' RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
C. CusTANCE. As that thing may be true, so rich
folks may be fools.
K. Roister. Her talk is as fine as she had learned
in schools.
M. Merry. Look partly toward her, and draw
a little near. [Aside.
C. CusTANCE. Get ye home, idle folks.
M. Merry. Why may not Ave be here ?
Nay, and ye will haze, haze ; ^ otherwise, I tell you
plain,
And ye will not haze, then give us our gear again,
C. CusTANCE, Indeed, I have of yours much
gay things, God save all.
E. EoiSTER. Speak gently unto her, and let her
take all. [Aside.
M. Merry. Ye are too tender-hearted. Shall
she make us daws ? [Aside.
Nay, dame, I will be plain Avith you in my friend's
cause.
R. Roister. Let all this pass, sweetheart, and
accept my service.
C. Custance. I will not be served with a fool
in no wise.
AVhen I choose an husband, I hope to take a man.
M. Merry, And where will ye find one which
can do that he can ]
Now this man toward you being so kind,
Why not make him an answer somewhat to his
mind ?
C. Custance. I sent him a full answer by you,
did I not ?
M. Merry. And I reported it.
C. Custance. Nay, I must speak it again.
R. Roister. No, no, he told it all.
M. Merry, Was I not meetly plain ?
^ i.e., If you will have us, have us. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. Ill
R. Roister. Yes.
M. Merry. But I would not tell all ; for, faith,
if I had,
With you, dame Custance, ere this hour it had
been bad ;
And not without cause : for this goodly personage
Meant no less than to join with you in marriage.
C. Custance. Let him waste no more labour nor
suit about me.
M. Merry. Ye know not where your preferment
lieth, I see ;
He sendeth you such a token, ring and letter.
C. Custance. Marry, here it is ; ye never saw a
better.
M. Merry. Let us see your letter.
C. Custance. Hold ! read it if ye can :
And see what letter it is to win a woman.
M. Merry, [reads:]
To mine own dear coney, bird, siueetheart, and pigsny,
Good Mistress Custance, present these by and by.
Of this superscription do ye blame the style ?
C. Custance. With the rest, as good stuff as ye
read a great while.
M. Merry, \_reads .•]
" Sweet Mistress, where as I love you nothing at all,
Regarding your substance and riches chief of all ;
For your personage, beauty, demeanour and wit,
I commend me unto you never a whit.
Sorry to hear report of your good welfare,
For, (as I hear say) such your conditions are.
That ye be worthy favour of no living man ;
To be abhorred of every honest man.
To be taken for a woman inclined to vice ;
Nothing at all to virtue giving her due price.
Wherefore concerning marriage ye are thought
112 RALPH ROISTER DOLSTER.
Such a fine paragon as ne'er honest man bought.
And now by these presents I do you advertise,
That I am minded to marry you in no wise.
For your goods and substance, I could be content
To take you as ye are. If ye mind to be my wife,
Ye shall be assured, for the time of my life,
I will keep ye right well from good raiment and fare ;
Ye shall not be kept but in sorrow and care.
Ye shall in no wise live at your own liberty ;
Do and say what ye lust, ye shall never please me ;
But when ye are merry, I will be all sad ;
When ye are sorry, I will be very glad.
When ye seek your heart's ease, I will be unkind ;
At no time in me shall ye much gentleness find ;
But all things contrary to your Avill and mind
Shall be done : otherwise I will not be behind
To speak. And as for all them that would do you
wrong,
I will so help and maintain, ye shall not live long.
Nor any foolish dolt shall cumber you, but I ;
I, whoe'er say nay, will stick by you, till I die.
Thus, good Mistress Custance, the Lord you save
and keep
From me, Eoister Doister, whether I wake or sleep,
Who favoureth you no less (ye may be bold)
Than this letter purporteth, which ye have unfold."^
C. Custance. How, by this letter of love 1 is it
not fine ?
H. Roister. By the Arms of Calais, it is none
of mine.
M. Merry. Fie ! you are foul to blame ; this is
your own hand.
^ This is the passage quoted by T. Wilson in his "Rule of
Keason, conteinyng the arte of Logique," printed by Grafton
in 1551. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 113
C. CusTANCE. Might not a woman be proud of
such an husband 1
M. Merry. Ah, that ye would in a letter show
such despite !
R. EoiSTER. 0, I would I had liini here, the
which did it indite !
M. Merry. Why, ye made it yourself, ye told
me, by this light !
R. Roister. Yea, I meant I Avrote it mine own
self yesternight.
C. Custance. I-wis, sir, I would not have sent
you such a mock.
R. Roister. Ye may so take it ; but I meant it
not so, by Cock.
M. Merry. Who can blame this woman to fume,
and fret, and rage 1
Tut, tut, yourself now have marred your own mar-
riage. [A side.
Well yet. Mistress Custance, if ye can this remit ;
This gentleman otherwise may your love requite.
C. Custance. No, God be with you both, and
seek no more to me. [Exit.
R. Roister. Wough ! she is gone for ever, I
shall her no more see.
^1. Merry. What, weep 1 Fie for shame ! And
blubber 1 For manhood's sake !
Never let your foe so much pleasure of you take.
Rather play the man's part, and do love refrain :
If she despise you, e'en despise ye her again.
R. Roister. By Goss ^ and for thy sake, I defy
her indeed !
M. Merry. Yea, and perchance that way ye
shall much sooner speed ;
For one mad property these women have, in fay,-
1 [Jesus.]
" la faith : from the French, /oy. — Coopir.
VOL. IIL H
114 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
When ye will, they will not : will not ye? then
will they.
Ah, foolish woman ! ah, most unlucky Custance !
Ah, unfortunate woman ! ah, peevish Custance,
Art thou to thine harms so obstinately bent.
That thou canst not see where lieth thine high
preferment 1
Canst thou not lub dis man, which could lub dee so
well ?
Art thou so much thine own foe 1
E. Roister. Thou dost the truth tell.
M. Merry. Well, I lament.
R. Roister. So do I.
M. Merry. Wherefore ?
R. Roister. For this thing.
Because she is gone.
M. Merry. I mourn for another thing.
R. Roister. What is it, Merrygreek, wherefore
thou dost grief take 1
M. Merry. That I am not a woman myself, for
your sake.
I would have you myself, and a straw for yond
Gill,
And mock much of you, though it were against
my will.
I would not, I warrant you, fall in such a rage,
As so to refuse such a goodly personage.
R. Roister. In faith, I heartily thank thee,
Merrygreek.
M. Merry. And I were a woman
R. Roister. Thou wonkiest to me seek.
M. Merry. For, though I say it, a goodly per-
son ye be.
R. Roister. No, no.
M. Merry. Yes, a goodly man, as e'er I did see.
R. Roister. No, I am a poor homely man, as
God made me.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 115
M. Merry. By the faith that I owe to God, sir,
but ye be.
Would I might, for your sake, spend a thousand
pound land.
R. Eoister. I daresay thou wouldest have me
to thy husband.
M. Merry. Yea, and I were the fairest lady in
the shire,
And knew you as I know you, and see you now
here —
Well, I say no more —
R. Roister. Gramercies, with all my heart.
M. Merry. But, since that cannot be, will ye
play a wise part ?
R. Roister. How should I ?
M. Merry. Refiain from Custance a while noAv,
And I warrant her soon right glad to seek to you.
Ye shall see her anon come on her knees creeping,
And pray you to be good to her, salt tears weeping.
R. Roister. But what, and she come not 1
M. Merry. In faith, then, farewell she.
Or else, if ye be wroth, ye may avenged be.
R. Roister. By Cock's precious potstick. and
e'en so I shall ;
I will utterly destroy her, and house and all.
But I would be avenged in the mean space.
On that vile scribbler, that did my wooing disgrace,
M. Merry. Scribbler, ko you? Indeed, he is
worthy no less.
I will call him to you, and ye bid me, doubtless.
R. Roister. Yes, for although he had as many
lives
As a thousand widows and a thousand wives,
As a thousand lions and a thousand rats,
A thousand wolves and a thousand cats,
A thousand bulls and a thousand calves.
And a thousand legions divided in halves,
116 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
He shall never 'scape death on my sword's point,
Though I should be torn therefore joint by joint.
M. Merry, Nay, if ye will kill him, I will not
fet him,
I will not in so much extremity set him.
He may yet amend, sir, and be an honest man ;
Therefore pardon him, good soul, as much as ye
can.
E. EoiSTER. Well, for thy sake, this once with
his life he shall pass ;
But I will hew him all to pieces, by the mass —
M. Merry. Nay, faith, ye shall promise that he
shall no harm have,
Else I will not fet him.
E. Eoister. I shall, so God me save !
But I may chide him a good.^
M. Merry. Yea, that do hardily.
R. Eoister. Go then.
M. Merry. I return, and bring him to you by
and by. 2 [Ex.
ACTUS III., SC^NA V.
Eoister Doister, Matthew Merrygreek.
E. Eoister. What is a gentleman, but his word
and his promise ?
I must now save this villain's life in any wise ;
And yet at him already my hands do tickle,
1 In earnest— heartily. So in Marlow's "Rich Jew of
Malta," 1633, act ii., bc. 3 [sign. E 2, verso]—
" I have laugh' (1 a good to see the cripples
Goe limping home to Christendome on stilts." — Cooper.
- This expression, though now generally used to denote
some little lapse of time, formerly signified immediately. It
is so used still in the North of England. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 1 1 7
I shall unneth ^ hold them, they will be so fickle.
But lo, and Merrygreek have not brought him sens I'"'
M. Merry. Nay, I would I had of my purse
paid fortypence.
Scrivener. So would I too ; but it needed not
that stound.*
M. Merry, But the gentman had rather spent
five thousand pound ;
For it disgraced him at least five times as much.
[Entei- Scrivener at one side^
Scrivener. He disgraced himself, his loutish-
ness is such.
R. Roister. How long they stand prating. ( To
Merry. ) Why com'st thou not away %
M. Merry (to Scriv.) Come now to himself, and
hark what he will say.
Scrivener. I am not afraid in his presence to
appear.
R. Roister. Art thou come, fellow ?
Scrivener. How think you ? Am I not here ?
R. Roister. What hindrance hast thou done
me, and what villainy !
Scrivener. It hath come of thyself, if thou hast
had any.
R. Roister. All the stock thou comest of, later
or rather,*
From thy first father's grandfather's father's father,
Nor all that shall come of thee, to the world's end.
1 With difficulty — scarcely. See " Second Part of Henry
tlie Sixth," act ii., sc, 4. — Cooper.
'■' [Since.] The re-entrance of Merrygreek is not marked
in the old copy. — Cooper.
3 [Time.]
* Earlier. Rath, for early, occurs in Chaucer and in
Milton. — Cooper.
118 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
Though to three score generations they descend,
Can be able to make a just recompense
For this trespass of thine and this one offence.
Scrivener. Wherein ?
E. KoiSTER. Did not you make me a letter,
brother 1
Scrivener. Pay the like hire, I will make you
such an other.
R. Roister. Nay, see, and these whoreson Phari-
sees and Scribes
Do not get their living by polling^ and bribes.
If it were not for shame
M. Merry. Nay, hold thy hands still. ^
Why, did ye not promise that ye would not him
spiin^
Scrivener. Let him not spare me.
R. Roister. Why, wilt thou strike me again 1
Scrivener. Ye shall have as good as ye bring
of me, that is plain.
M. Merry. I cannot blame him, sir, though your
blows would him grieve ;
For he knoweth present death to ensue of all ye give.
R. Roister. Well, this man for once hath pur-
chased thy pardon.
Scrivener. And what say ye to me 1 or else I
will be gone.
R. Roister. I say, the letter thou madest me
was not good.
Scrivener. Then did ye wrong copy it, of like-
lihood.
1 Plundering —
" Which ^oH« and pills the poor in piteous wise."
— Cooper. — Faerie Queene, Book v., canto 2.
^ [In the old copy this half-line is wrongly given to the
Scrivener.]
^ Destroy. See " King Lear," act iii., scene 2. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 119
R. Roister. Yes, out of thy copy, word for
word, I it wrote.
Scrivener. Then was it as you prayed to have
it, I wot :
But in reading and pointing there was made some
fault.
R. Roister. I wot not ; but it made all my
matter to halt.
Scrivener. How say you, is tliis mine original,
or nol
R. Roister. The self same that I wrote out of,
so mot I go.
Scrivener. Look you on your own fist, and I
mil look on this.
And let this man be judge, whether I read amiss.
To mine own dear coney, bird, sweetheart, and pigsny,
Good Mistress Custance, present these hy and by.
How now ? doth not this superscription agree ?
R. Roister. Read that is within, and there ye
shall the fault see.
Scrivener.
" Sweet Mistress, whereas I love you ; nothing at
all
Regarding your riches and substance ; chief of all
For your personage, beauty, demeanour and wit,
I commend me unto you ; never a whit
Sorry to hear report of your good welfare ;
For (as I hear say) such your conditions are,
That ye be worthy favour ; of no Hving man
To be abhorred ; of every honest man
To be taken for a woman inclined to vice
Nothing at all ; to virtue giving her due price.
Wherefore, concerning marriage, ye are thought
Such a fine paragon as ne'er honest man bought.
And now, by these presents, I do you advertise
120 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
That I am minded to marry you ; iu no wise
For your goods and substance ; I can be content
To take you as ye are. If ye will be my wife,
Ye shall be assured for the time of my life
I will keep ye right Avell : from good raiment and
fare
Ye shall not be kept : but in sorrow and care
Ye shall in no wise live ; at your own liberty
Do and say what ye lust ; ye shall never please me,
But when ye are merry ; I will be all sad,
When ye are sorry ; I will be very glad.
When ye seek your heart's ease ; I will be unkind
At no time ; in me shall ye much gentleness find.
But all things contrary to your will and mind
Shall be done otherwise. I will not be behind
To speak ; and as for all they that would do you
wrong
(I will so help and maintain ye) shall not live long.
Nor any foolish dolt shall cumber you ; but I —
I, whoe'er say nay, will stick by you till I die.
Thus, good Mistress Custance, the Lord you save
and keep !
From me. Bolster Doister, whether I wake or slee}).
Who favoureth you no less (ye may be bold)
Than this letter purporteth, which ye have unfold."
Now, sir, what default can ye find in this letter 1
R. Roister. Of truth, in my mind, there can-
not be a better.
Scrivener. Then was the fault in reading, and
not in writing.
No, nor, I dare say, in the form of inditing.
But who read this letter, that it sounded so nought ?
M. Merry. I read it indeed.
Scrivener. Ye read it not as ye ought.
R. Roister. Why, thou wretched villain, was all
this same fault in thee ?
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 121
M. Merry. I knock your costard/ if ye offer to
strike me.
R. Roister. Strikest thou indeed, and I offer
but in jest 1
M. Merry. Yea, and rap ye again, except ye
can sit in rest.
And I will no longer tarry here, me believe.
R. Roister. What, wilt thou be angry, and I
do thee forgive ]
Fare thou well, scribbler ; I cry thee mercy indeed.
Scrivener. Fare ye well, bibbler, and worthily
may ye speed.
R. Roister. If it were another than thou, it
were a knave.
M. Merry. Ye are another yourself, sir, the
Lord us both save ;
Albeit in this matter I must your pardon crave.
Alas ! would ye wish in me the wit that ye have I
But, as for my fault, I can quickly amend :
I will show Custance it was I that did offend.
R. Roister. By so doing her anger niay be
reformed.
M. Merry. But if by no entreaty she will be
turned.
Then set light by her, and be as testy as she,
And do your force upon her with extremity.
R. Roister. Come on therefore ; let us go home
in sadness.
M. Merry. That if force shall need, all may bi>
in readiness."^
And as for this letter, hardily let all go ;
We will know, whe'er she refuse you for that or no.
[Exeant amb.
1 Head.
- [It seems a question, whether this line docs not belonjj
to Ralph Roister.]
122 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
ACTUS IV., SC^NA 1.
Sim. Suresby.
Sim. Sure. Is there any man but I, Sim.
Suresby, alone,
That would have taken such an enterprise him
upon ;
In such an outrageous tempest as this was,
Such a dangerous gulf of the sea to pass 1
I think verily Neptune's mighty godship
Was angry with some that was in our ship,
And but for the honesty which in me he found,
I think for the other's sake we had been drown'd.
But fie on that servant wliich, for his master's
wealth,^
Will stick for to hazard both his life and his health.
My master Gawin Goodluck after me a day,
Because of the weather, thought best his ship to
stay;
And now that I have the rough surges so well passed,
God grant I may find all things safe here at last.
Then will I think all my travail well-spent.
Now, the first point whereof my master hath me
sent,
Is to salute dame Christian Custance, his wife
Espoused, whom he tendreth no less than his life.
I must see how it is with her, well or wrong,
And whether for him she doth not now think long.
Tlien to other friends I have a message or tway ;
And then so to return and meet him on the way.
Now will I go knock, that I may dispatch with
speed ;
But lo ! forth cometh herself happily indeed.
1 Welfare. Udall uses the word in this sense in his
letter to the Cornish men. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER BOLSTER. 12o
ACTUS IV., SC^NA 2.
Christian Custance, Sim. Suresby.
C. Custance. I come to see if any more stirring
be here.
But what stranger is this, which doth to me ap-
pear?
Sim. Suresby. I will speak to her. Dame, the
Lord you save and see !
C. Custance. What, friend Sim. Suresby. For-
sooth, right welcome ye be.
How doth mine oa\ti Gawin Goodluck, I pray thee
tell?
Sim. Sure. When he knoweth of your health,
he will be perfect well.
C. Custance. If he have perfect health, I am
as I would be.
Sim. Sure. Such news will please him well.
This is as it should be.
C. Custance. I think now long for him.
Sim. Sure. And he as long for you.
C. Custance. Wlien will he be at home ?
Sim. Sure. His heart is here e'en now ;
His body cometh after.
C. Custance. I would see that fain.
Sim. Sure. As fast as wind and sail can carry it
a-main.
But what two men are yond coming liitherwards ?
C. Custance. Now I shrew their best Christ-
mas cheeks both toKetherward.
124 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
ACTUS IV., SC^NA 3.
Christian Custance, Sim. Suresby, Ealph
Roister, Matthew Merrygreek, Truepenny.
C. Custance. What mean these lewd fellows
thus to trouble me still 1
Sim. Suresby here, perchance, shall thereof deem
some ill.
And shall suspect in me some point of naughtiness,
And they come hitherward. [Aside.
Sim. Sure. What is their business 1
C. Custance. I have nought to them, nor they
to me, in sadness. ^
Sim. Sure. Let us hearken them ; somewhat
there is, I fear it.
R. Roister. I will speak out aloud best, that
she may hear it.
M. Merry. Nay, alas ! ye may so fear her out
of her wit.
R. Roister. By the cross of my sword, I will
hurt her no whit.
M. Merry. Will ye do no harm indeed 1 Shall
I trust your word ?
R. Roister. By Roister Bolster's faith, I will
speak but in bord.^
Sim. Sure. Let us hearken them : somewhat
there is, I fear it.
R. Roister. I will speak out aloud, I care not
who hear it. —
Sirs, see that my harness, my target and my shield
Be made as bright now, as when I was last in field :
As white, as I should to war again to-morrow ;
'■ In seriousness. ^ In jest.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 125
For sick shall I be, but I work some folk sorrow.
Therefore see that all shine as bright as Saint
George,
Or as doth a key, newly come from the smith's
forge.
I would have my sword and harness to shine so
bright.
That I might theremth dim mine enemies' sight :
1 would have it cast beams as fast, I tell you plain.
As doth the glitt'ring grass after a shower of rain.
And see that, in case I should need to come to
arming,
All things may be ready at a minute's warning.
For such chance may chance in an hour : do ye
hear ?
M. Merry. As perchance shall not chance again
in seven year.
li. Roister. Now, draw ye near to her, and
hear what shall be said.
M. Merry. But I would not have you make
her too much afraid.
K. Roister. Well found, sweet wife, (I trust)
for all this your sour look.
C. Custance. Wife ! Why call ye me wife ?
Sim. Sure (aside). Wife ! This gear goeth a-
crook.
M. Merry. Nay, Mistress Custance, I warrant
you our letter
Is not as we read e'en now, but much better ;
And where ye half stomached^ this gentleman afore
For tliis same letter, ye Avill love him now therefore ;
Nor it is not this letter, though ye were a queen.
That should break marriage l)etween you twain, I
ween.
^ Disliked or resented. See " Antony and Cleopatra," act
jii., scene 4. — Cooper.
12G RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
C. CUSTANCE. I did not refuse him for tlie let-
ter's sake.
R Roister. Then ye are content me for your
husband to take.
C. CusTANCE. You for my husband to take !
Nothing less truly 1
R. Roister. Yea, say so, sweet spouse, afore
strangers hardily.
M, Merry. And though I have here his letter of
love with me,
Yet his rings and tokens he sent keep safe with ye.
C. CuSTANCE. A mischief take his tokens, and
him, and thee too !
But what prate I with fools 1 Have I nought else
to do?
Come in with me, Sim. Suresby, to take some re-
past.
Sim. Sure. I must, ere I drink, by your leave,
go in all haste
To a place or two with earnest letters of his.
C. CusTANCE. Then come drink here with me.
Sim. Sure. I thank you.
C. CusTANCE. Do not miss.
You shall have a token to your master with you.
Sim. Sure. No tokens this time, gramercies.
God be with you. [Uxeat.
C. CuSTANCE. Surely, this fellow misdeemeth
some ill in me ;
Which thing, but God help, will go near to spill
me.
R. Roister. Yea, farewell, fellow, and tell thy
master Goodluck,
That he cometh too late of this blossom to pluck.
Let him keep him there still, or at least- wise make
no haste ;
As for his labour hither he shall spend in waste.
His betters be in place now.
RALPH ROISTER BOLSTER.
127
M. Merry. As long as it will hold.
C. CUSTANCE (aside). I will be even with thee,
thou beast, thou may'st be bold.
E. EoiSTER. Will ye have us then ?
C. CusTANCE. I will never have thee.
R. Roister. Then will I have you.
C. CusTANCE. No, the devil shall have thee.
I have gotten this hour more shame and harm l)y
thee,
Than all thy life-days thou canst do me honesty.
M. Merry. Why, now may ye see what it com'tli
to in the end,
To make a deadly foe of your most loving friend :
And i-wis this letter, if ye would hear it now —
C. CuSTANCE. I will hear none of it.
M. Merry. In faith, ['tjwould ravish you.
C, CuSTANCE. He hath stained my name for
ever, this is clear.
R. Roister. I can make all as well in an hour.
M. Merry. As ten year.
How say ye, will ye have him 1
C. CuSTANCE. No.
M. Merry. Will ye take him —
C. Custance. I defy him.
M. Merry. At my word ?
C. Custance. A shame take him !
Waste no more wind, for it will never be.,
M. Merry. This one fault with twain shall lin
mended, ye shall see.
Gentle Mistress Custance now, good Mistress
Custance,
Honey Mistress Custance now, sweet ]\Iistress
Custance,
Golden Mistress Custance now, white Mistress
Custance,
Silken Mistress Custance now, fair Mistress Cus-
tance.
128 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
C. CuSTANCE. Faith, rather than to marry witli
such a doltish lout,
I would match myself with a beggar, out of doubt.
M. Merry. Then I can say no more ; to speed
we are not like,
Except ye rap out a rag of your rhetoric.
C. Custance. Speak not of winning me ; for it
shall never be so.
' R. Roister. Yes, dame, I will have you, whether
ye will or no.
I command you to love me ! Avherefore should ye
not?
Is not my love to you chafing and burning hot?
M. Merry. To her ! that is well said.
R. Roister. Shall I so break my brain, ^
To doat upon you, and ye not love us again 1
M. Merry. Well said yet.
C. Custance. Go to, thou goose.
R. Roister. I say, Kit Custance,
In case ye wUl not haze, well ; better yes, per-
chance.
C. Custance. Avaunt, losel ! ^ pick thee hence !
M. Merry. Well, sir, ye perceive.
For all your kind offer, she will not you receive.
R. Roister. Then a straw for her, and a straw
for her again :
She shall not be my wife, would she never so fain ;
No, and though she would be at ten thousand
pound cost.
M. Merry. Lo, dame, ye may see what an hus-
band ye have lost.
1 So in "The Maid's Metamorphosis," 1600 : " In vain,
I fear, / beat my brains about. " These expressions have the
same signification as the " Cudgel thy brains no more about
it,^' of the First Gravcdicjger in " Hamlet." — Cooper.
" A pitiful, worthless fellow. See " Winter's Tale,"
act ii., sc. 3. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 129
C. CuSTANCE. Yea, no force ; ^ a jewel much
better lost than found.
M. Merry. Ah, ye will not believe how this
doth my heart wound.
How should a marriage between you be toward.
If both parties draAV back, and become so froward ?
R. Roister. Nay, dame, I will fire thee out of
thy house, [though I die ; ^J
And destroy thee and all thine, and that by and by.
M. Merry. Nay, for the passion of God, sir, do
not so.
R. Roister. Yes, except she will say yea to that
she said no.
C. CusTANCE. And what, be there no officers,
trow we, in town.
To check idle loiterers, bragging up and down 1
Where be they by whom vagabonds should be
represt.
That poor silly widows might live in peace and rest 1
Shall I never rid thee out of my company 1
I will call for help. What, ho ! come forth. True-
penny !
Truepenny. 3 Anon. What is your will, Mis-
tress 1 Did ye call me 1
C. CuSTANCE. Yea : go, run apace, and, as fast
as may be,
Pray Tristram Trusty, my most assured friend,
To be here by and by, that he may me defend.
Truepenny. That message so quickly shall be
done, by God's grace,
That at my return ye shall say, I went apace.
\_Exeat.
1 No matter.
2 These words, not in the old copy, are necessary for the
rhyme. — Cooper.
^ His entrance is not marked in the original. — Cooper.
VOL. IIL I
130 RALPH ROISTER BOLSTER.
C. CusTANCE. Then shall we see, I trow, whether
yo shall do me harm.
R. Roister. Yes, in faith, Kit, I shall thee and
thine so charm,
That all women incarnate by thee may beware.
C. CuSTANCE. Nay, as for charming me, come
hither if thou dare.
I shall clout thee, till thou stink, both thee and thy
train,
And coil ^ thee mine own hands, and send thee
home again.
R. Roister. Yea, say'st thou me that, dame 1
Dost thou me threaten 1
Go we, I will see whether I shall be beaten.
M. Merry. Nay, for the paishe ^ of God, let me
now treat peace ;
For bloodshed will there be, in case this strife in-
crease.
Ah, good dame Custance, take better way with you !
C. Custance. Let him do his worst !
M. Merry. Yield in time.
R. Roister. Come hence, thou !
[Exeant Roister and Merry.
ACTUS IV., SC^NA 4.
Christian Custance, Annot Alyface, Tibet
Talkapace, M. Mumblecrust.
C. Custance. So, sirrah ! If I should not with
liim take this way,
^ Cuff. In Tim Bobbin's " Glossary of tlie Lancashire
Dialect," a coil is explained by "a lump raised on the head
by a blow." See also Brockett's " Glossary of North Country
W ords." — Cooper.
' [Passion.]
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 131
I should not be rid of him, I think, till doom's day.
I will call forth my folks, that without any mocks,
If he come again, we may give him raps and knocks.
Madge Mumblecrust, come forth, and Tibet Talk-
apace ;
Yea, and come forth too. Mistress Annot Alyface.
An. Alyface. I come.
Tib. Talk. And I am here,
M. MUMBL. And I am here too, at length.
C. CuSTANCE. Like warriors, if need be, ye
must show your strength.
The man that this day hath thus beguiled you
Is Ralph Roister Doister, whom ye know well enou' ;
The most lout and dastard that ever on ground trod.
Tib. Talk. I see all folk mock him, when he
goeth abroad.
C. CusTANCE. What, pretty maid, will ye talk
when I speak ?
Tib. Talk. No, forsooth, good mistress.
C. CuSTANCE. Will ye my tale break 1
He threateneth to come hither with all his force to
fight;
I charge you, if he come, on him Avith all your
might ;
M. MuMBL. I with my distaff will reach him one
rap.
Tib. Talk. And I with my new broom will
sweep him one swap ;
And then with our great club I will reach him one rap.
And I with our skimmer will fling him one flap.
Tib. Talk. Then Truepenny's fire-fork will him
shrewdly fray :
And you with the spit may drive him quite away.
C. CuSTANCE. Go, make all ready, that it may
be e'en so.
Tib. Talk. For my part, I shrew them that last
about it go. [Exeajit.
132 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
ACTUS IV, SC^NA 5.
Christian Custance, Truepenny, Tristram
Trusty.
C. Custance. Truepenny did promise me to
run a great pace,
My friend Tristram Trusty to fet into this place.
Indeed he dwelleth hence a good start, I confess ;
But yet a quick messenger might twice since, as I
guess.
Have gone and come again. Ah ! yond I spy him
now.
Truepenny {To T. Tmsty). Ye are a slow goer,
sir, I make God a vow ;
My Mistress Custance will in me put all the blame ;
Your legs be longer than mine : come apace, for
shame.
C. Custance. I can i thee thank. Truepenny ;
thou hast done right well.
Truepenny. Mistress, since I went, no grass
hath grown on my heel :
But Master Tristram Trusty here maketh no speed.
C. Custance. That he came at all, 1 thank him
in very deed ;
For now have I need of the help of some wise man.
T. Trusty. Then may I be gone again, for none
such I am.
Truepenny. Ye may be by your going ; for no
Alderman
Can go, I dare say, a sadder - pace than ye can.
C. Custance. Truepenny, get thee in ; thou
shalt among them know,
How to use thyself like a proper man, I trow.
1 / can. See ante. ^ Slower, graver.
RALrH ROISTER DOISTER. 133
Truepenny. I go. [Exit.
C. CUSTANCE. Now, Tristram Trusty, I thank
you right much :
For at my first sending to come ye never grutch.
T. Trusty. Dame Custance, God ye save ; and
while my life shall last,
For my friend Goodluck's sake ye shall not send
in waste.
C. Custance. He shall give you thanks.
T. Trusty. I will do much for his sake.
C. Custance. But alack ! I fear great dis-
pleasure shall he take.
T. Trusty. Wherefore?
C. Custance. For a foolish matter.
T. Trusty. What is your cause 1
C. Custance, I am ill accumbred Avith a couple
of daws.
T. Trusty. Nay, weep not, woman ; but tell me
what your cause is.
As concerning my friend is anything amiss 1
C. Custance. No, not on my part ; but here
was Sim. Suresby —
T. Trusty. He was with me, and told me so.
C. Custance. And he stood by,
While Ealph Roister Doister, with help of Merry-
greek,
For promise of marriage did unto me seek.
T. Trusty. And had ye made any promise
before them twain %
C. Custance. No, I had rather be torn in
pieces and slain.
No man hath my faith and troth but C4awin
Goodluck,
And that before Suresby did I say, and there stuck ;
But of certain letters there were such words
spoken —
T. Trusty. He told me that too.
134 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
C. CusTANCE. And of a ring and token ;
That Suresby, I spied, did more than half suspect,
That I my faith to Gawin Goodluck did reject.
T. Trusty. But was there no such matter, Damo
Custance, indeed 1
C. Custance. If ever my head thought it, God
send me ill speed !
Wherefore, I beseech you, Avith me to be a witness.
That in all my life I never intended thing less.
And what a brainsick fool Ralph Roister Doister
is,
Yourself knows well enough.
T. Trusty. Ye say full true, i-wis.
C. Custance. Because to be his wife I ne grant
nor apply.
Hither will he come, he sweareth, by and by,
To kill both me and mine, and beat down my
house flat ;
Therefore I pray your aid.
T. Trusty. I warrant you that.
C. Custance. Have I so many years lived u
sober life,
And showed myself honest : maid, widow, and
wife.
And now to be abused in such a vile sort ?
To see how poor widow live, all void of comfort !
T. Trusty. I warrant him do you no harm
nor wrong at all.
C. Custance. No, but Matthew Merrygreek
doth me most appal ;
That he would join himself with such a wretched
lout.
T. Trusty. He doth it for a jest, I know him
out of doubt.
And here cometh Merrygreek 1
C. Custance. Then shall we hear his mind.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 135
ACTUS IV., SC^NA 6.
Merrygreek, Christian Custance,
Trist. Trusty.
M. Merry, distance and Trusty both, I do you
here well find.
C. Custance. Ah ! Matthew Merrygreek, ye
have used me well !
M. Merry. Now, for altogether,^ ye must your
answer tell.
Will ye have this man, woman, or else will ye
not?
Else will he come, never boar so brim,^ nor toast
so hot.
C. Custance. But why join ye Avith him 1
T. Trusty. For mirth?
C. Custance. Or else in sadness 1
M. Merry. The more fond of you both : hardily
the matter guess.
T. Trusty. Lo, how say ye, dame 1
M. Merry. AVhy, do ye think, dame Custance,
That in this wooing I have meant ought but
pastance 1
C. Custance. Much things ye spake, I wot, to
maintain his dotage.
M. Merry. But well might ye judge, I spake it
all in mockage ;
For why is Roister Doister a fit husband for you 1
T. Trusty. I dare say ye never thought it.
M. Merry. No, to God I vow.
^ Now, once for all.
* i.e., So fierce. A sow at certain seasons is said io fjo to
hrim —
" They foughten breme as it were bolles two."
— Cooper. Chaucer, Knight's Tale, line 1701.
136 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
And did not I know afore of the insurance
Between Gawin Goodluck and Christian Custance '(
And did not I for the nonce, by my conveyance,
Read his letter in a wrong sense for dalliance 1
That if you could have take it up at the first bound.
We should thereat such a sport and pastime have
found,
That all the whole town should have been the
merrier.
C. Custance. Ill ache your heads both ! I was
never wearier.
Nor never more vexed since the first day I was bom.
T. Trusty. But very well I wist, he here did
all in scorn.
C. Custance. But I feared thereof to take dis-
honesty.
M. Merry. This should both have made sport,
and showed your honesty ;
And Goodluck, I dare swear, your wit therein
would 'low.^
T. Trusty. Yea, being no worse than we know
it to be now.
M. Merry. And notliing yet too late : for, when
I come to him,
Hither will he repair with a sheep's look full grim.
By plain force and violence to drive you to yield.
C. Custance. If ye two bid me, we will with
him pitch a field,
I and my maids together.
M. Merry. Let us see ; be bold !
C. Custance. Ye shall see women's war.
T. Trusty. That fight will I behold.
M. Merry. If occasion serve, taking his part
full brim,
I will strike at you, but the rap shall light on him,
1 Allow.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 137
When we first appear —
C. CusTANCE. Then will I run away,
As though I were afeard.
T. Trusty. Do you that part well play,
And I will sue for peace.
M. Merry. And I will set him on ;
Then will he look as fierce as a Cotsold lion.^
T. Trusty. But when goest thou for him I
M. Merry. That do I very now.
C. Custance. Ye shall find us here.
M. Merry. Well, God have mercy on you.
[Uxit.
T. Trusty. There is no cause of fear ; the least
boy in the street —
C. Custance. Nay, the least girl I have, will
make him take his feet.
But, hark ! me-think they make preparation.
T. Trusty. No force, it will be a good recreation.
C. Custance. I will stand within, and step forth
speedily,
And so make as though I ran away dreadfully.
ACTUS IV., SC^NA 7.
R. Roister, M. Merrygreek, C. Custance, D.
Doughty, Harpax, Tristram Trusty.
R. Roister. Now, sirs, keep your 'ray, and see
your hearts be stout.
But where be these caitiffs ? Me-tliink they dare
not rout.^
^ A sheep. Cotswold (pronounced Cotsold) is an old word
for a sheepcote. Hence the name of the hills in Gloucester-
shire. — Cooper.
^ To assemble. Tt is used by Bacon in his "History of
Henry the Seventh," p. 68, fol. 1629.— Cooper.
138 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
How sayest thou, Merrygreekl What doth Kit
Custance say 1
M. Merry. I am loth to tell you.
K. Roister. Tush, speak, man. Yea or nay 1
M. Merry. Forsooth, sir, I have spoken for you
all that I can ;
But if ye win her, ye must e'en play the man :
E'en to fight it out ye must a man's heart take,
li. Roister. Yes, they shall know, as^ thou
knowest, I have a stomach.
M. Merry. A stomach (quod you), yea, as good
as e'er man had.
R. Roister. I trow, they shall find and feel that
I am a lad.
M. Merry. By this cross, I have seen you eat
your meat as well
As any that e'er I have seen of, or heard tell.
A stomach, quod you 1 He that will that deny,
I know was never at dinner in your company.
R. Roister. Nay, the stomach of a man it is,
that I mean.
] M. Merry. Nay, the stomach of an horse or a
dog, I ween.
R. Roister. Nay, a man's stomach with a weapon,
mean I.
M. Merry. Ten men can scarce match you with
a spoon in a pie.
R. Roister. Nay, the stomach of a man to try
in strife.
M. Merry, I never saw your stomach cloyed
yet in my life.
R. Roister. Tush, I mean in strife or fighting
to try.
M. Merry. We shall see how ye will strike now,
being angry.
^ [Old copy, and.]
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 139
R. Roister. Have at thy pate then, and save
thy head, if thou may.
M. Merry. Nay, then, have at your pate again,
by this day.
R. Roister. Nay, thou mayest not strike at me
again in no wise.
M. Merry. I cannot in fight make to you such
warrantise :
But as for your foes here let them the bargain ^ by.
R. Roister. Nay, as for [that,] they shall every
mother's child die.
And in this my fume a little thing might make me
To beat down house and all, and else the devil
take me.
M. Merry. If I were as ye be, by Gog's dear
mother,
I would not leave one stone upon another.
Though she would redeem it with twenty thousand
pounds.
R. Roister. It shall be even so, by his lily
wounds !
M. Merry. Be not at one with her- upon any
amends.
R. Roister. No, though she make to me never
so many friends.
Not if all the world for her would undertake :
No, not God himself neither shall not her peace
make.
On therefore, march forward ! Soft, stay a while
yet.
M. Merry. On !
R. Roister. Tarry.
M. Merry. Forth 1
R. Roister. Back.
^ [Abide by the bargain.]
* i.e., Be not reconciled to her. — Coo'per.
140 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
• M. Merry. On !
R. Roister, Soft. Now forward set.
Enter C. CUSTANCE.
C. CusTANCE. What business have we here 1
Out, alas, alas !
R. Roister. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha !
Didst thou see that. Merry greek, how afraid she was 1
Didst thou see how she fled apace out of my sight ?
Ah, good sweet Custance ! I pity her, by this light.
M. Merry. That tender heart of yours will mar
altogether ;
Thus will ye be turned Avith wagging of a feather.
R. Roister. On, sirs, keep your 'ray.
M. Merry. On forth, while this gear is hot.
R. Roister. Soft, the Arms of Calais, I have
one thing forgot.
M. Merry. What lack we now 1
R. Roister. Retire, or else we be all slain.
M. Merry. Back, for the pash of God ! back,
sirs, back again !
What is the great matter ?
R. Roister. This hasty forth-going
Had almost brought us all to utter undoing ;
It made me forget a thiiig most necessary.
M. Merry. Well remembered of a captain, by
Saint Mary.
R. Roister. It is a thing must be had.
M. Merry. Let us have it then.
R. Roister. But I wot not Avhere or how.
M. Merry. Then wot not I when.
But what is it %
R. Roister. Of a chief thing I am to seek.
M. Merry. Tut, so will ye be, when ye have
studied a week. \^Asidt.
But tell me what it is ?
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 141
R. Roister. I lack yet an headpiece.
M. Merry. The kitchen collocavit the best hens
to grease ;
Run, fet it, Dobinet, and come at once Avithal,
And bring with thee my potgun,^ hanging by the
wall."
I have seen j'our head with it, full many a time.
Covered as safe as it had been with a serine :
And I warrant it save your head from any stroke,
Except perchance to be amazed with the smoke :
I warrant your head therewith, except for the mist,
As safe as if it were fast locked up in a chist.
And lo, here our Dobinet cometh with it now.
D. Dough. It will cover me to the shoulders
well enou'.
M. Merry. Let me see it on.
R. Roister. In faith, it doth meetly well.
M. Merry. There can be no fitter thing. Now
ye must us tell
What to do.
R. Roister. Now forth in 'ray, sirs, and stop
no more.
M. Merry. Now, Saint George to borrow!^
Drum, dub-a-dub afore.
T. Trusty. What mean you to do, sir 1 Com-
mit manslaughter 1
R. Roister. To kill forty such is a matter of
laughter.
T. Trusty. And who is it, sir, whom ye intend
thus to spill 1
1 A small gun, perhaps a corruption of popgun. — Cooper.
^ The exit and re-entry of Dobinet are not marked in the
old cop3\ — Cooper.
' To protect or guard. In " Richard XL," act i., sc. 3, tlie
expression is —
" Mine innocency and Saint George to thrive I "—Cooper.
142 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
R. Roister. Foolish Custance here forceth rae
against my will.
T. Trusty. And is there no mean your extreme
wrath to slake?
She shall some amends unto your good maship
make.
R. Roister. I will none amends.
T. Trusty. Is her offence so sore 1
M. Merry. And he were a lout, she could have
done no more.
She hath call'd him fool, and 'dressed him like a
fool,
Mocked him like a fool, used him like a fool.
T. Trusty. Well, yet the Sheriff, the Justice or
Constable,
Her misdemeanour to punish might be able.
R. Roister. No, sir, I mine own self will, in
this present cause.
Be Sheriff and Justice, and whole Judge of the
laws.
This matter to amend all officers be I shall :
Constable, Bailiff, Sergeant —
M. Merry. And hangman, and all. [Aside.
T. Trusty. Yet a noble courage and the heart
of a man
Should more honour win by bearing with a woman.
Therefore take the law, and let her answer thereto.
R. Roister. Merrygreek, the best way were
even so to do.
What honour should it be with a woman to fight ?
M. Merry. And what, then, will ye thus forego
and lese your right 1
R. Roister. Nay, I Avill take the law on her
withouten grace.
T. Trusty. Or, if your maship could pardon this
one trespass —
I pray you, forgive her.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 143
E. Roister. Hoh !
M. Merry. Tusli, tush, sir, do not.
T. Trusty. Be good master to her.
R. Roister. Hoh !
M. Merry. Tush, I say, do not.
And what ! shall your people here return straight
home?
R. Roister. Yea, levy the camp, sirs, and hence
again each one.
But be still in readiness, if I hap to call ; ^
I cannot tell what sudden chance may befall.
M. Merry. Do not off your harness, sirs, I you
advise.
At the least for this fortniglit, in no manner wise.
Perchance in an hour, when all ye think least,
Our master's appetite to fight will be best.
But soft, ere ye go, have once at Custance house.
R. Roister. Soft, what wilt thou do 1
M. Merry. Once discharge my arquebus ;
And for my heart's ease, have once more with my
potgun.
R. Roister. Hold thy hands ! else is all our
purpose clean fordone.
M. Merry. And it cost me my life !
R. Roister. I say, thou shalt not.
M. Merry. By the matt,^ but I will have once
more with hail-shot.
I will have some pennyworth ; I will not lese all.
^ T. Trusty is the prefix to this and the following line in
flie old copy, but it must be an error. — Cooper.
^ [Put for mass, as Goff for God, &c.]
144 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
ACTUS lY., SC^NA 8.
M. Merrygreek, C. Custance, R. Royster,
Tib. T., An. Alyface, M. Mumblecrust,
Truepenny, Dobinet Doughty, Harpax.
Two drums with their Ensigns.
C. Custance. What caitiffs are those, that so
shake my house-wall?
M. Merry. Ah, sirrah now Custance, if ye had
so much wit,
I would see you ask pardon, and yourselves sub-
mit.
C. Custance. Have I still this ado with a
couple of fools 1
M. Merry. Hear ye what she saith 1
C. Custance. Maidens, come forth with your
tools,
In a ray.
M. Merry. Dubba-dub, sirrah !
R. Roister. In a ray !
They come suddenly on us.
M. Merry. Dub-a-dub-dub !
R. Roister. In a ray !
That ever I was born ! we are taken tardy.
M. Merry. Now, sirs, quit yourselves like tall
men and hardy.
C. Custance. On afore, Truepenny ! Hold
thine own, Annot !
On toward them, Tibet, for scape us they cannot !
Come forth, Madge Mumblecrust ! so, stand fast
together.
M, Merry. God send us a fair day !
R. Royster. See, they march on hither.
Tib. Talk. But, mistress —
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 145
C. CusTANCE. What say'st thou ?
Tib. Talk. Shall I go fet our goose 1
C. CusTANCE. What to do 1
Tib. Talk. To yonder Captain I will turn her
loose.
And she gape and hiss at him, as she doth at me,
I durst jeopard my hand she vnW make him flee.^
C. CusTANCE. On forward !
E. Roister. They come.
M. Merry. Stand !
E. EoiSTER. Hold !
M. Merry. Keep !
E. EoiSTER. There !
M. Merry. Strike !
E. EoiSTER. Take heed !
C. CuSTANCE. Well said. Truepenny !
Trtjepenny. Ah, whoresons !
C. CusTANCE. Well done, indeed !
M. Merry. Hold thine own, Harpax ! Down
with them, Dobinet !
C. CuSTANCE. Now, Madge ; there, Annot ; now
stick them, Tibet !
Tib. Talk. All my chief quarrel is to this same
little knave,
That beguiled me last day ; nothing shall him save.
D. Dough. Down with this little quean, that
hath at me such spite !
Save you from her, master, it is a very sprite.
C. CusTANCE. I myself will mounsire grand
captain undertake.
^ [An idea perhaps borrowed from the interlude of " Ther-
sites," where we have the ludicrous incident of the snail.
Udall has drawn Ralph Eoister Doister somewhat on the
model of " Thersites," except that in Roister Doister the
man's good nature and singleness of character win our re-
gard, whereas the other is a contemptible braggart without
any redeeming trait.]
vol. III. K
146 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
R. Roister. They win ground t
M. Merry. Save yourself, sir, for God's sake !
R. Roister. Out, alas ! I am slain ; help !
M. Merry. Save yourself !
R. Roister. Alas !
M. Merry. Nay, then, have at you, mistress.
R. Roister. Thou hittest me, alas !
M. Merry. I will strike at Custance here.
R. Roister. Thou hittest me !
M. Merry, (aside.) So I will.
Nay, mistress Custance.
R. Roister. Alas ! thou hittest me still.
Hold!
M. Merry. Save yourself, sir !
R. Roister. Help ! out alas ! I am slain.
M. Merry. Truce, hold your hands ! truce, for
a pissing while or twain. ^
Now, how say you, Custance, for saving of your life,
Will ye yield, and grant to he this gentleman's wife 1
C. Custance. Ye told me he loved me ; call ye
this love 1
M. Merry. He loved a while, even like a turtle-
dove.
C. Custance. Gay love, God save it ! so soon
hot, so soon cold.
M. Merry. I am sorry for you : he could love
you yet, so he could.
R. Roister. Nay, by Cock's precious, she shall
be none of mine.
M. Merry. Why so 1
R. Roister. Come away, by the matt, she is
mankine.-
^ See "Two Gentlemen of Verona," act. iv., scene 4. —
Cooper.
- Mankind is used by Shakespeare and other writers of his
time as an adjective, in the sense of masculine. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 147
I durst adventure the loss of my right hand.
If she did not slee her other husband.
And see, if she prepare not again to fight !
M. Merry. What, tlien. Saint George to bor-
row, our Lady's knight 1
R EoiSTER. Slee else whom she "\\dll, by Gog, she
shall not slee me.
M. Merry. Hoav then ?
R. Roister. Rather than to be slain, I will flee.
C. CusTANCE. To it again, my knightesses ! down
with them all !
R. Roister. Away, away, away ! she will else
kill us all.
M. Merry. Nay, stick to it, like an hardy man
and a tall.
R. Roister. bones, thou hittest me ! Away,
or else die we shall.
M. Merry. Away, for the pash of our sweet
Lord Jesus Christ !
C. Custance. Away, lout and lubber, or I
shall be thy priest ! [Uxecmt Om.^
So this field is ours ; we have driven tnem all away.
Tib. Talk. Thanks to God, mistress, ye have
had a fair day.
C. Custance. Well, now go ye in, and make
yourself some good cheer.
Omnes Pariter. We go.
T. Trusty. Ah, sir ! what a field we have had
here.
C. Custance. Friend Tristram, I pray you be a
witness with me.
T. Trusty. Dame Custance, I shall depose for
your honesty.
^ So in the old copy, but Ralph, Mat., Dob., and Harpax,
only go out; lower down, the exeat of course applies to T.
Trusty. — Cooper,
148 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
And now fare ye well, except something else ye
would.
C. CusTANCE. Not now, but when I need to
send, I will be bold. [Exeat.
I thank you for these pains. And now I will get
me in.
Now Eoister Doister will no more wooing begin.
[Ex.
ACTUS v., SC^NA 1.
Gawin Goodluck, Sim. Suresby.
G. Good. Sim. Suresby, my tnisty man, now ad-
vise thee well,
And see that no false surmises thou me tell.
Was there such ado about Custance, of a truth 1
Sim. Sure. To report that I heard and saw to
me is ruth ;
But both my duty, and name, and property,^
Warneth me to you to show fidelity.
It may be well enough, and I wish it so to be.
She may herself discharge, and try her honesty ;
Yet their claim to her, me-thought, was very large,
For with letters, rings, and tokens they did her
charge.
Which when I heard and saw, I would none to
you bring.
G. Good. No, by Saint Mary, I allow thee - in
that thing.
Ah sirrah ! now I see truth in the proverb old :
All things that shineth is not by and by pure gold.
^ [Peculiar place or function.]
® i.e., I approve of your conduct. See "Second Part of
Henry IV.," act iv., sc. 2 ; " King Lear," actii., sc. 4; and
Romans, c. xiv., v. 22. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 140
If any do live a woman of honesty,
I would have sworn Christian Custance had been
she.
Sim. Sure. Sir, though I to you be a servant
true and just,
Yet do not ye therefore your faithful spouse mis-
trust ;
But examine the matter, and if ye shall it find
To be all well, be not ye for my words unkind.
G. Good. I shall do that is right, and as I see
cause why.
But here cometh Custance forth ; we shall know
by and by.
ACTUS v., SC^NA 2.
C. Custance, Gawin Goodluck, Sim, Suresby.
C. Custance. I come forth to see and hearken
for news good ;
For about this hour is the time, of likeliliood,
That Gawin Goodluck, by the sayings of Suresby,
Would be at home ; and lo ! yond I see him, I.
What, Gawin Goodluck ! the only hope of my life.
Welcome home, and kiss me your true espoused
wife.
G. Good. Nay, soft, dame Custance ; I must
first, by your licence.
See whether all things be clear in your conscienoe.
I hear of your doings to me very strange.
C. Custance. What ! fear ye that my faith to-
wards you should change 1
G. Good. I must needs mistrust ye be elsewhere
entangled.
For I hear that certain men with you have wrangled
150 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
About the promise of marriage by you to them
made.
C. CusTANCE. Coukl any man's report therein
your mind persuade !
G. Good. "Well, you must therein declare your-
self to stand clear,
Else I and you, dame Custance, may not join this
year.
C. Custance. Then would I were dead, and
fair laid in my grave.
All ! Suresby, is this the honesty that ye have,
To hurt me with your report, not knowing the
thing 1
Sim. Sure. If ye be honest, my Avords can hurt
you nothing ;
But what I heard and saw, I might not but report,
C. Custance. Ah, Lord, help poor widows,
destitute of comfort !
Truly, most dear spouse, nought was done but for
pastance.
G. Good. But such kind of sporting is homely
claliance.
C. Custance. If ye knew the truth, ye would
take all in good part.
G. Good. By your leave, I am not half well-
skilled in that art.
C. Custance. It was none but Eoister Doister,
that foolish mome.
G. Good. Yea, Custance, better (they say) a bad
excuse than none.
C. Custance. Why, Tristram Trusty, sir, your
true and faithful friend,
Was privy both to the beginning and the end.
Let him be the judge, and for me testify.
G. Good. I will the more credit that he shall
verify;
And because I will the truth know, e'en as it is.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 151
I will to him myself, and. know all without miss.
Come on, Sim. Suresby, that before my friend thou
may
Avouch thee the same words, which thou did'st to
me say. [Exeant.
ACTUS v., SC^NA 3.
Christian Custance.
C, Custance. Lord ! how necessary it is now
of days,
That each body live uprightly all manner ways ;
For let never so little a gap be open,
And be sure of this, the Avorst shall be spoken.
How innocent stand I in this for deed or thought,
And yet see what mistrust towards me it hath
wrought.
But thou. Lord, knowest all folks' thoughts, and
eke intents ;
And thou ai't the deliverer of all innocents.
Thou didst help the advoutress,^ that she might be
amended ;
Much more then help. Lord, that never ill intended.
Thou didst help Susanna, Avrongfully accused,
And no less dost thou see, Lord, how I am now
abused.
Thou didst help Hester, when she should have
died ;
Help also, good Lord, that my truth may be tried.
Yet, if Gawin Goodluck with Tristram Trusty
speak,
^ Adulteress, from the old French advoultrer. In Cart-
wright's " Ordinary," act iv., sc. 5, the Constable says, "I'll
look there shall be no advoutry in my ward." — Cooper.
152 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
I trust of ill-report the force shall be but weak ;
And lo ! yond they come, sadly talking together :
I will abide, and not shrink for their coming hither.
ACTUS v., SC^NA 4.
Gawin Goodluck, Tristram Trusty,
C. CusTANCE, Sim, Suresby.
G. Good. And was it none other than ye to me
report 1
T. Trusty. No ; and here were ye wished, to
have seen the sport.
G. Good. Would I had, rather than half of that
in my purse.
Sim. Sure. And I do much rejoice the matter
was no worse.
And like as to open it I was to you faithful,
So of Dame distance honest truth I am joyful.
For God forfend that I should hurt her by false
report.
G. Good. Well, I will no longer hold her in dis-
comfort.
C. CusTANCE. Now come they hitherward : I
trust all shall be well.
G. Good. Sweet Custance, neither heart can
think, nor tongue tell,
HoAv much I joy in your constant fidelity.
Come now, kiss me, the pearl of perfect honesty.
C. Custance. God let me no longer to continue
in life.
Than I shall towards you continue a true wife.
G. Good. Well, now to make you for this some
part of amends,
I shall desire first you, and then such of our friends
As shall to you seem best, to sup at home with me,
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 153
Where at your fouglit field Ave shall laugh and
merry be.
Sim. Sure. And, mistress, I beseech you take
with me no grief : ^
I did a true man's part, not wishing your repreef.
C. CusTANCE. Though hasty reports, througli
surmises growing,
May of poor innocents be utter overthrowing,
Yet because to thy master thou hast a true heart,
And I know mine own truth, I forgive thee for my
part.
G. Good. Go we all to my house, and of this
gear no more.
Go, prepare all things, Sim. Suresby ; hence, run
afore.
Sim. Sure. I go. [Ex.
G. Good. Good. But who cometh yond 1 Master
Merrygreek ?
C. CuSTANCE. Eoister Bolster's champion ; I
shrew his best cheek.
T. Trusty. Roister Bolster's self, your wooer, is
with him too.
Surely some thing there is with us they have to do.
ACTUS v., SC^NA 5.
M. Merrygreek, Ralph Roister [to tliem], Gawin
GooDLUCK, Tristram Trusty, C. Custance.
M. Merry. Yonder I see Gawin Goodluck, to
whom lieth my message.
I will first salute him after his long voyage,
And then make all things well concerning your
behalf.
^ i.e., Bear me no ill-will.
154 RALPH ROISTER BOLSTER.
E. ROLSTER. Yea, for the pash of God.
M. Merry. Hence ! out of sight, ye calf.
Till I have spoke with them, and then I Avill you
fet.
R. Roister. In God's name.^
M. Merry. What, master Gawin Goodluck,
well-met ;
And from your long voyage I bid you right Avel-
come home.
G. Good. I thank you.
M. Merry. I come to you from an honest mome,
G. Good. Who is that 1
M, Merry. Roister Doister, that doughty kite.
C. CusTANCE. Fie ! I can scarce abide ye should
his name recite.
M. Merry. Ye must take him to favour, and
pardon all past ;
He heareth of your return, and is full ill aghast.
G, Good. I am right well content he have with
us some cheer.
C. CusTANCE. Fie upon him, beast ! then will
not I be there.
G. Good. Why, Custance, do ye hate him more
than ye love me 1
C. Custance. But for your mind, sir, where he
were, would I not be.
T. Trusty. He would make us all laugh.
M. Merry. Ye ne'er had better sport.
G. Good. I pray you, sweet Custance, let him
to us resort.
C. Custance. To your will I assent.
M. Merry. Why, such a fool it is.
As no man for goocl pastime would forego or miss.
G. Good. Fet him to go with us.
M. Merry. He will be a glad man. [Ex.
^ With these words R. Roister evidently retires. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 155
T. Trusty. We must, to make us mirth, main-
tain him 1 all Ave can.
And lo, yond' he cometh, and JMerrygreek with
him.
C. CusTANC!E. At his first entrance, ye shall see
I Avill him trim.
But first let us hearken the gentleman's wise talk.
T. Trusty. I pray you, mark, if ever ye sa\v
crane so stalk.
ACTUS v., SC^XA 6.
R Eoister, M. Merrygreek, C. Custance, G.
GooDLucK, T. Trusty, D. Doughty, Harpax.
E. Eoister. May I then be bold 1
M, Merry. I warrant you on my word.
They say they shall be sick, but ye be at their
board.
E. Eoister. They were not angry, then 1
M. Merry. Yes, at first, and made strange ;
But when I said your anger to favour should
change.
And therewith had commended you accordingly,
They were all in love with your maship by and by ;
And cried you mercy, that they had done you
wrong.
E. Eoister. For why no man, woman, nor child
can hate me long.
M. Merry. We fear (quod they) he Avill be
avenged one day ;
1 Encourage liim. So in the epistle to Gabriel Harvey,
prefixed to Spenser's "Shepherd's Calendar" : "The Right
Worshipf uU Maister Philip Sidney is a speciall favourer and
maintainer of all kinde of learning," — Cooper.
156 RxVLPH ROISTER DOISTER.
Then for a penny give all our lives we may.
R. Roister. Said they so indeed 1
M. Merry. Did they 1 yea, even with one
voice.
He will forgive all {quod I). 0, how they did
rejoice !
R. Roister. Ha, ha, ha !
M. Merry. Go fet him (say they), while he is in
good mood ;
For have his anger who lust, we will not, by the rood !
R. Roister. I pray God that it be all true, that
thou hast me told,
And that she fight no more.
M. Merry. I warrant you ; be bold.
To them, and salute them.
R. Roister. Sirs, I greet you all well.
Omnes. Your mastership is welcome.
C. Custance. Saving my quarrel.
For sure I will put you up into the Exchequer.
M. Merry. Why so ? Better nay. Wherefore ?
C. Custance. For an usurer.
R. Roister. I am no usurer, good mistress, by
His arms.
M. Merry. When took he gain of money, to any
man's harms ?
C. Custance. Yes, a foul usurer he is, ye shall
see else.
R. Roister. Did'st not thou promise she would
pick no mo quarrels ? [To Merr.
C. Custance. He will lend no blows, but he
have in recompense
Fifteen for one, which is too much of conscience.
R. Roister. Ah dame ! by the ancient law of
arms, a man
Hath no honour to foil his hands on a woman.
C. Custance. And where other usurers take
their gains yearly.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 157
This man is angry, but he have his by and by.
G. Good. Sir, do not for her sake bear me your
displeasure.
M. Merry. "Well, he shall with you talk thereof
more at leisure.
Ul^on your good usage he will now shake your hand.
R. KoiSTER. And much heartily welcome from a
strange land.
M. Merry. Be not afeard, Gawin, to let him
shake your fist.
G. Good. 0, the most honest gentleman that
e'er I wist.
I do beseech your maship to take pain to sup with us.
M. Merry. He shall not say you nay, (and I
too by Jesus,)
Because ye shall be friends, and let all quarrels pass.
E. Roister. I will be as good friends with them
as e'er I was.
M. Merry. Then, let me fet your quire, that we
may have a song.
R Roister. Go.
G. Good. I have heard no melody all this year
long.
M. Merry.i Come on, sirs, quickly.
R. Roister. Sing on, sirs, for my friend's sake.
D. Dough. Call ye these your friends ?
R. Roister. Sing on, and no mo words make.
YHere they sincf.
G. Good. The Lord preserv^e our most noble
Queen of renown,''^
1 The exit and re-entry are not marked. — Cooper.
* [It seems probable that this prayer at the end was in-
tended for Queen Elizabeth, not for her predecessor. The
original prayer, if there was one, on the first presentation of
the comedy, may have been suppressed in favour of one to
suit the new circumstances.]
158 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
And her virtues reward with the heavenly crown.
C. CusTANCE. The Lord strengthen her most
excellent Majesty,
Long to reign over us in all prosperity.
T. Trusty. That her godly proceedings, the
faith to defend,
He may stablish and maintain through to the end.
M. Merry. God grant her, as she doth, the Gos-
pel to protect,
Learning and virtue to advance, and vice to correct.
E. EoiSTER. God grant her loving subjects both
the mind and grace
Her most godly proceedings worthily to embrace.
Harpax. Her highness most worthy coun-
cillors God prosper.
With honour and love all men to minister.
0:mnes. God grant the nobility her to serve and
love,
With all the common'ty, as doth them behove !
Amen.i
Certain Songs - to be sung by those which shall
use this Comedy or Interlude.
Tlie Second Song.
Who so to marry a 7ninio7i wife^
Hath had good chance and hap,
1 Ancient interludes frequently ended with a prayer,
which it was the custom of the players to deliver kneeling.
— Cooper.
" These are the songs referred to in the body of the
Comedy.
3 Xpet or darlinfj wife. — Cooper.
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 159
2Iust love her and cherish her all his lift,
And dandle her in his lap,
If she will fare well, if she will go gay,
A good husband ever still.
Whatever she lust to do or to say,
Must let her have her own will.
About ivhat affairs soever he go,
He must shoiv her all his mind.
None of his counsels she may be l^ept fro.
Else is he a man unkind.
The Fourth Song.
I nvun he married a Sunday;
I mun be married a Sunday;
Whosoever shall come that way,
I mun be married a Sunday.
Roister Doister is my name;
Roister Doister is my name;
A lusty brute I am the same;
I mun be married a Sunday.
Christian Custance have Ifotind;
Christian Custance have I found;
A widow worth a thousand pouiul ,
I mun be viarried a Sunday.
Custance is as sweet as honey;
Custance is as siveet as honey;
I her lamb, and she my coney;
I mun be married a Sunday.
160 RALPH ROISTER DOISTER.
W/ien ive shall make our tvedding feast,
When we shall make our wedding feast,
There shall be cheer for man and beast;
I mun he married a Sunday.
I mun he married a Sunday, d'c.
The Psalmody,
Placebo dilexi.
J faster Roister Doister will straight go home and die.
Our Lord Jesus Christ his soul have mercy upon:
Thus you see, to-day a man, to-morrow JoJm.^
Yet, saving for a woman! s extreme cruelty.
He might have lived yet a month, or two, or three ;
But in spite of Custance, ivhich hath him wearied,
His maship shall be ivorshipfully buried.
And while some piece of his soul is yet him within,
Some part of Ids funeral let ns here begin.
Dirige. He will go darkling ^ to his grave;
Neqxie lux, neque crux, nisi solum clink ;
Never genman so went toward heaven, I think.
Yet, sirs, as ye will the bliss of heaven ivin.
When he cometh to the grave, lay him softly in ;
And all men take heed by this one gentleman,
How you set your love upon an unkind woman ;
For these tvonien he all such mad peevish elves,
They will not he won, except it jjlease themselves.
But, in faith, Custance, if ever ye come in hell,
Master Roister Doister shall serve you as well.
Good night, Roger, old knave; farewell, Roger, old
knave ;
Good night, Roger, old knave ; knave, knap.
Ne quando. Audivi vocem. Requiem oeternam.
1 [Query, Sir John, i.e., the priest, to say the requiem.
See Hazlitt's "Proverbs," p. 414.]
" [" So out went the candle, and we were left darkling,"
" King Lear," i. 4 ; Dyce's 2d edit. vii. 209.]
RALPH ROISTER DOISTER. 161
The Peal of hells rung by the parish Clerk and
Eoister Doister'sfour men.
The first Bell, a Triple. When died he ? When
died he ?
The second. "We have him ! We have him !
The third. Roister Doister ! Roister Doister !
The fourth Bell. He cometh ! He cometh !
The great Bell. Our own ! Our own !
FINIS.
VOL. III.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
A Ri/ght Pithy, Pleasaunt, and merie Comeclie : Intytuled
Gammer gurtons Needle : Played on Stage not longe ago
in Christes Colledge in Gamhridge. Made by Mr S. Mr.
of Art. Imprynted at London, in Fleetestreat beneth the
Gonduit at the signe of S. John Uuanc/elist, by Thomas
Golwell 1575, 4°. Black letter.
There was a second edition, 4to, 1661, wliicli is of no
value.
[I found this introduction to "Gammer Gurton's
Needle" among some collections made by my father
about twenty years ago for a similar purpose, and as it
was much fuller than that previously printed, it has
been substituted. I have, however, introduced a few
additions from the Memoirs of Still in the "Athenae
Cantabrigienses," ii., 467, and the " Proceedings of the
Suffolk Institute of Archaeology," iii., 130, the latter
kindly communicated to me by Mr Joseph Bryant, of
Cheshunt.— W. C. H.]
PREFACE.
John Still, the reputed author of this play, was the
only son of WOliam Still, Esq. of Grantham, in Lin-
colnshire, and was born in or about 1543. In 1559 he
matriculated as a pensioner in Christ's College, Cam-
bridge, proceeded B.A. in 1561-2, and was elected M.A.
in 1565. In 1570 he was presented to the rectory of St
Martin Outwich, London, and in the same year pro-
ceeded B.D. On the 30th July 1571, Archbishop
Parker collated Still to the rectory of Hadleigh, in
Suffolk, and in 1572 the primate, to whom he was
chaplain, appointed him, wT-th Dr Watts, Joint-Dean of
Bocking. Other church preferments followed in quick
succession ; but this is perhaps scarcely a place for
entering at large into biographical particulars, more
especially as the authorship of the drama is a little
uncertain. We must content ourselves with noting his
gradual rise from the deanery of Bocking to the canonry
at Westminster, the mastership of St John's College,
Cambridge, the vice-chancellorship of the university on
two occasions, the mastership of Trinity CoUege, Cam-
166 PREFACE.
bridge, and finally, the bishopric of Bath and Wells, to
which last dignity he was named 16 January 1592-3.
He died at the episcopal palace at Wells, February 26,
1607-8, and was buried, on the 4th April following, in
the cathedral, where a handsome monument was
erected to his memory. He was twice married, and
left behind him . several children. His excellent
character is attested by Sir John Harington, who
says that he was a man " to whom I never came but
I grew more religious, and from whom I never went
but I parted more instructed." The comedy of " Gam-
mer Gurton's Needle," the only dramatic product
of his pen of which we have any knowledge, was
" played on stage, in Christ's College, Cambridge," in
the year 1566, and the following entry from the bursars'
books of that college, on the occasion, manifests that
the authorities applied themselves to its production
with spirit. " Item, for the Carpenters setting upp the
Scaffold at the plaie xxd.^" At this time, Mr Still was
twenty-three years old ; but an entry in the registers of
the Stationers' Company, under the year 1563, is consi-
dered by Mr ColHer to have very possible reference to the
present comedy, and, in this case, the young clergyman
would have begun, and ended, his authorship ere he
was nineteen : " Received of Thomas Colwell for his
lycense for pryntinge of a play intituled Dyccon of
Bedlam, iiijd." There is no such play, Mr Collier points
out, as " Dyccon of Bedlam," but Diccon of Bedlam is
^ [" Proceedings of the Suffolk Institute," iii., 130.]
PREFACE. 167
a principal character in " Gammer Gurton's Needle ; "
and it is further to be observed that Thomas Colwell is
the same publisher, " at the sygne of S. John Evangelist,
beneth the Conduit in Fleetestreat," by Avhom the earliest
known edition of the present comedy Avas produced.
The circumstance, after all, is as inconclusive as the
fact is immaterial. The true subject of regret is, not
that we cannot determine precisely whether Still "svrote
comedy when he was nineteen, or when he was twenty-
three, but that liaving written one play so well, he did not
write more. Had he so elected to do, indeed, the See of
Bath and "Wells might not have seen the name of Still
in its Catena Episcoporum, but the other prelate would,
doubtless, have done his duty, and English readers
would have been amused with further Gammer Gurtons.
" Gammer Gurton's Needle," acted at Christ's College,
Cambridge, in 1566, "has," writes Mr Collier, "this
peculiarity belonging to it, that it is the first existing
play acted at either university ; and it is a singular coin-
cidence, that the autlior of the comedy so represented
should be the very person who, many years afterwards,
when he had become Vice-Chancellor of Cambridge,
was called upon to remonstrate Avith the Ministers of
Queen Elizabeth against haAdng an English play per-
formed before her at that university, as unbefitting its
learning, dignity, and character."^ Of the play itself
Hazlitt wTites : " It is a regular comedy in five acts,
built on the circumstance of an old woman having lost
i "Annals of the Stage," ii. 463.
168 PREFACE.
her needle, which throws the whole village into confu-
sion, till it is at last providentially found sticking in an
unlucky part of Hodge's dress. This must evidently
have happened at a time when the manufacturers of
Sheffield and Birmingham had not reached the height
of perfection which they have at present done. Sup-
pose that there is only one sewing-needle in a parish,
that the owner, a diligent, notable old dame, loses it ;
that a mischief-making wag sets it about that another
old woman has stolen this valuable instrument of house-
hold industry ; that strict search is made in-doors for it
in vain, and that then the incensed parties sally forth
to scold it out in the open air, till words end in blows,
and the affair is referred over to higher authorities ; and
we shall have an exact idea (though perhaps not so
lively a one) of what passes in this authentic document
between Gammer Gurton and her gossip Dame Chat ;
Diccon, the bedlam (the causer of these harms) ; Hodge,
Gammer Gurton's servant ; Tib, her maid ; Cock, her
prentice boy ; Doll ; Scapethrift ; Master Baillie, his
master ; Doctor Eat, the curate ; and Gib the cat, who
may be fairly reckoned one of the dramatis personce,
and performs no mean part." " Such," observes the
same critic, further on, characterising the comedy, " Such
was the wit, such was the mirth of our ancestors —
homely, but hearty ; coarse, perhaps, but kindly ; let
no man despise it ; for " evil to him that evil thinks."
To think it poor and beneath notice, because it is not
just like ours, is the same sort of hypercriticism that
was exercised by the person who refused to read some
PREFACE. 169
old books because they were " such, very poor spelling."
The meagreness of their literary or their bodily fare
was at least relished by themselves ; and this is better
than a surfeit or an indigestion. It is refreshing to look
out of ourselves sometimes, not to be always holding
the glass to our own peerless perfections ; and as there
is a dead wall Avhicli always intercepts the prospect of
the future from our view (all that we can see beyond it
is the heavens), it is as well to d.irect our eyes now and
then without scorn to the page of history, and repulsed
in our attempts to penetrate the secrets of the next six
thousand years, not to turn our backs on old long syne.'-
This entertaining old piece is mentioned in " Histrio-
mastix," 1610, act ii. (sign. C. 3), under the title of
" Mother Gurton's Needle," and in burlesque it is there
called " a Tragedy."
The present edition of " Gammer Gurton's Needle "
is printed from that of 1575.
1 " Lectures on the Dramatic Literature of the Age of
Elizabeth," 1820, p. 208.
THE NAMES OF THE SPEAKERS IN THIS
COMEDY.
DiccoN^ the Bedlam.^
Hodge, Gammer Gurtoii's
Servant.
Tib, Gammer Gurtori's
Maid.
Gammer Gurton.
Cock, Gammer Gurtoti's Boy.
Dame Chat.
Doctor Rat, the Curate.
Master Baily.
Doll, Dame Chat's Maid.
Scapethrift, Master
Baili/'s Servant.
Mtites.
1 The ancient abbreviation of Eichard.
^ After the dissolution of the religious houses where the
poor of every denomination were provided for, there was for
many years no settled or fixed provision made to supply the
want of that care, which those bodies appear always to have
taken of their distressed brethren. In consequence of this
neglect, the idle and dissolute were suffered to wander about
the country, assuming such characters as they imagined
were most likely to insure success to their frauds, and
security from detection. Among other disguises, many
affected madness, and were distinguished by the name of
Bedlam Beggars. These are mentioned by Edgar in " King
Lear : " —
" The country gives me proof and precedent,
Of bedlam beggars who, with roaring voices. ,
Strike in their numbed and mortified bare arms.
Pins, wooden priclis, nails, sprigs of rosemary,
And with this horrible object from low farms,
Poor pelting villages, sheepcotes, and mills.
Sometime with lunatic bans, sometimes with prayers,
Enforce their charity."
In Dekker's " Belman of London" [1608] all the different
species of beggars are enumerated. Amongst the rest
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 171
mentioned " Tom of Bedlam's " band of madcaps, otherwise
called Poor Tom's flock of wild geese or hair-brains, are
called Abraham men. An Abraham man is afterwards
described in this manner : " Of all the mad rascalls (that
are of this wing) the Abraham-man is the most phantastick.
The fellow (quoth this old lady of the Lake vnto me) that
sat halfe naked (at table to day) from the girdle vpward, is
the best Abraham-vian that euer came to my house, & the
notablest villaine : he sweares he hath bin in bedlam, and will
talke frantickly of purpose : you see pinns stuck in sundry
places of his naked flesh, especially in his armes, which paine
bee gladly puts himselfe to (beeing indeede no torment at
all, his skin is either so dead with some fowle disease, or so
hardened with weather) onlay to make you beleeue he is out
of his wits: he calls himselfe by the name of Poore Tom,
and comming neere any body cryes out, Poore Tom is a cold.
Of these Ahraham-mcn, some be exceeding mery, and doe
nothing but sing songs, fashioned out of their owne brainss,
some will dance ; others will doe nothing but either laugh
or weepe ; others are dogged, and are sullen both in looke
and speech, that, spying but small company in a house, they
boldly and bluntly enter, compelling the seruants through
feare to giue them what they demaund, which is commonly
bacon, or something that will yielde ready mony." [Edit.
1608, sign. D 2.] Of this respectable fraternity Diccon
seems to have been a member. Massinger mentions them
in " A New Way to Pay Old Debts," act ii., sc. ] : "Are
they padders, or Abi'aham-vien, that are your consorts ? "
PROLOGUE.
As Gammer Gurton, with many a wide stitch,
Sat piecing and patching of Hodge her man's breech,
By chance or misfortune, as she her gear toss'd,
In Hodge leather breeches her needle she lost.
When Diccon the Bedlam had heard by report,
That good Gammer Gurton was robbed in this sort.
He quietly persuaded with her in that stound.
Dame Chat, her dear gossip, this needle had found.
Yet knew she no more of this matter (alas).
Than knoweth Tom our clerk what the priest
saith at mass.
Hereof there ensued so fearful a fray,
Mas. Doctor was sent for, these gossips to stay ;
Because he was curate and esteemed full wise.
Who found that he sought not, by Diccon's device.
When all things were tumbled and clean out of
fashion,
Whether it were by fortune, or some other con-
stellation.
Suddenly the needle Hodge found by the pricking.
And drew it out of his buttock, where he found it
sticking.
Their hearts then at rest with perfect security.
With a pot of good nale they struck up their
plaudity.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
THE FIRST ACT.
THE FIRST SCENE.
DiccON. Many a mile have I walked divers and
sundry ways,
And many a good man's house have I been at in
my days,
Many a gossip's cup in my time have I tasted.
And many a broach and spit have I both turned
and basted,
Many a piece of bacon have I had out of their
balks,!
In running over the country with long and weary
walks.
Yet came my foot never within those door cheeks,
To seek flesh or fish, garhck, onions, or leeks.
That ever I saw a sort in such a plight,^
1 The summer beam or dorman. Poles laid over a stable
or other building. — Ray's " Collection of English Words,"
p. 167.
* A sort is a company. So in Jonson's " Every man out
of his Humour,'' act ii., sc. 3 : "I speak it not gloriously,
nor out of affectation, but there 's he and the count Frugale,
174 GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLE.
As here within this house appeareth to my sight,
There is howling and scowling, all cast in a dump,
With whewling and puling, as though they had
lost a trump.
Sighing and sobbing, they weep and they wail.
I marvel in my mind what the devil they ail.
The old trot sits groaning with alas and alas,^
And Tib wrings her hands and takes on in worse
case.
With poor Cock their boy, they be driven in such
fits,
signior Illustre, signior Luculento, and a sort of them," &c.
Also, in Nash's "Pierce Pennilesse," 1592, p. 6, " I know a
great sort of good fellows that would venture," &c. Again,
in the " Vocacyon of Johan Bale," 1533: " In parell of
pyrates, robbers, and murthirors, and a great sort more."
And in Skelton's Works, edit. 1736, p. 136 —
"Another sorte of sluttes
Some bi'ought walnutes."
See also Dr Johnson and Mr Steevens's Notes on Shak-
speare, Vol. III. p. 69.
1 An old trot or trat, Dr Grey says, signifies a decrepid old
woman or an old drab. In which sense it is used in Gawin
Douglas' Virgil, B. iv. p. 96, 97—
" Out on the old trat agit wyfife or dame."
And p. 122, 39 :
"Thus saith Dido, and the tother with that,
Hyit or furth with slow pase like ane trot.''
And Shakspeare; " Why give her gold enough, and marry
him to a puppet, aglet baby, or an old trot with ne'er a
tooth in her head" (Taming of the Shrew, act i., sc. 5;
Critical Notes on Shakspeare, Vol. I. p. 118.) It is also used
by Churchyard —
"Away young Frie that gives leawd counsel, nowe,
Awaie old trotts, that sets young flesh to sale," &c.
—Challenge, 1693, p. 250.
And by Gascoigne :
" Goe : that gunne pouder consume the old trotte ! "
— Hupposes, act iii., sc. 5. ["Hazlitt's edit. i. 230.]
Again, in Nash's "Lenten Stuff," 1599: "A cage or
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 175
I fear me the folks be not well in their wits.
Ask them what they ail, or who brought them in
this stay ?
They answer not at all, but alack and Avellaway,
When I saw it booted not, out at doors I hied me,
And caught a slip of bacon, when I saw none spied
me,
Wliich I intend not far hence, unless my purpose
fail,
Shall serve me for a shoeing horn to draw on two
pots of ale.^
THE FIRST ACT.
the second scene.
Hodge, Diccon.
Hodge. See, so cham arrayed - with dabbling in'
the dirt !
She that set me to ditching, ich would she had the
squirt.
pigeon house, roomsome enough to comprehend her, and
the toothless ti-ot her nurse, who was her only chat mate
and chamber maid," &c.
See also Mr Steevens's Notes on Shakspeare, Vol. II. p. 93.
•^ So in Nash's " Pierce Pennilesse," p. 23, " we have
generall rules and injunctions as good as printed precepts,
or statutes set downe by acte of parliament, that goe from
drunkard to drunkard as still to keepe your first man, not
to leave anie flockes in the bottom of the cup, to knock the
glasse on your thumbe when you have done, to have some
shooring home to pull on your wine, as a rasher of the coles,
or a redde herring." Again in Nash's "Lenten Stuff,"
1599, "which being double roasted, and dried as it is, not
only sucks up all the rheumatick inundations, but is a
shoeing horn for a pint of wine overplus."
2 [Soiled.]
176 GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLE.
Was never poor soul that such a life had 1
Gog's bones, this vilthy glay has dress'd me too
bad.
Gog's soul, see how tliis stuff tears !
Ich were better to be a bearward, and set to keep
bears.
By the mass, here is a gash, a shameful hole in-
deed,
And one stitch tear further, a man may thrust in
his head.
DiccoN. By my father's soul, Hodge, if I should
now be sworn,
I cannot choose but say thy breech is foul betorn.
But the next remedy in such a case and haj)
Is to planch ^ on a piece as broad as thy cap.
Hodge. Gog's soul, man, 'tis not yet two days
fully ended.
Since my dame Gurton (cham sure) these breeches
amended.
But cham made such a drudge to trudge at every
need,
Chwold rend it, though it were stiched with sturdy
packthread.
DiccON. Hodge, let thy breeches go, and speak
and tell me soon,
What devil ailetli Gammer Gurton, and Tib her
maid to frown.
Hodge. Tush, man, th'art deceived, 'tis their
daily look :
^ A planch is a plank of wood. To planch therefore is a
verb formed from it. See "Measure for Measure," Vol. II.,
edit. 1778, p. 106.— -S.
The above note but ill explains its meaning; the word
will be better illustrated by the following description of the
fortification of Ypres by Holinshed : " It was feused with a
mighty rampire and a thicke hedge, trimVie pla7ished, and
woond with thornes," &c—Chron. 2. 759. Ed. 1S07.—O.G.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 177
They cow'r ^ so over the coals, their eyes be blear'd
with smoke.
DiccoN. Nay, by the mass, I perfectly perceived
as I came hither,
That either Tib and her dame hath been by the
ears together.
Or else as great a matter, as thou shalt shortly see.
Hodge. Now ich beseech our Lord they never
better agree.
DiccoN. By Gog's soul, there they sit as still as
stones in the street ;
As though they had been taken with fairies, or else
with some ill-spreet.
Hodge. Gog's heart, I durst have laid my cap
to a crown,
Ch'would learn of some prancome, as soon as ich
came to town.
DiccON. Why, Hodge, art thou inspired? or
didst thou thereof hear ?
Hodge. Nay, but ich saw such a wonder, as ich
saw nat this seven year.
1 This is the reading of the first edition, which in all the
subsequent ones is very improperly' altered to cover. To
cower, is to bend, stoop, hang, or lean over. See Beaumont
and Fletcher's " Monsieur Thomas, "act. iv.,sc. 6, and Nash's
" Pierce Pennilesse," 1592, p. 8.
Again —
''He much rejoyst, and cour'd it tenderly,
As chicken newly hatcht, from dreaded destiny." —
Spenser's Fairy Queen, B. ii., c. 8, so. 9.
So in Shakspeare's "King Henry VI." Part II. vol. vi.,
p. 362, edit. 1778—
"The splitting rocks cowr'dm the sinking sand." — S.
Again —
" As thus he spake, each bird and beast behold
Approaching two and two, these cow'ring low
With blandishment, each bird stoop'd on his wing."
— Paradise Lost, B. viii., 1. 343.
VOL. in. M
178 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Tom Tankard's cow (by Gog's bones) she set me
up her sail,
And flinging about his halse aker/ fisking with her
tail,
As though there had been in her arse a swarm of
bees ;
And chad not cried tphrowh, whore, shea'd leapt
out of his lees.
DiccoN. Why, Hodge, lies the cunning in Tom
Tankard's cow's tail ?
Hodge. Well, ich chave heard some say such
tokens do not fail.
But ca'st thou not tell, in faith, Diccon, why she
frowns, or whereat 1
Hath no man stolen her ducks or hens, or gelded
Gib her cat 1 ^
Diccon. What devil can I tell, man, I could not
have one word.
They gave no more heed to my talk than thou
wouldst to a lord.
Hodge. Ich cannot skill but muse, what mar-
vellous thing it is :
Chill in and know myself what matters are amiss.
Diccon. Then farewell, Hodge, a while, since
thou dost inward haste.
For I will into the good wife Chat's, to feel how
the ale doth taste.
^ I believe we should read halse ancJior, or anker, as it was
anciently spelt ; a naval phrase. The halse or halser was a
particular kind of cable. Shakspeare, in his "Antony and
Cleopatra, has an image similar to this —
" The brize upon her, like a cow in June,
Moists sail and files." — S.
^ Gib was the name by which all male or ram cats were
distinguished. See Warton's Note on the " First Part of
Henry IV.," act i., sc. 2.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 179
THE FIRST ACT.
the third scene.
Hodge, Tib.
Hodge. Cham aghast, by the mass, ich wot not
what to do.
Chad need bless me well, before ich go them to.
Perchance some felon sprit may haunt our house
indeed.
And then chwere but a noddy to venture, where cha'
no need.
Tib. Cham worse than mad, by the mass, to be
at this stay,
Cham chid, cham blam'd, and beaten all th' hours on
the day.
Lamed and hunger-starved, pricked up all in jags.
Having no patch to hide my back, save a few rotten
rags.
Hodge. 1 say, Tib, if thou be Tib, as I trow
sure thou be.
What devil make-a-do is this between our dame
and thee ?
Tib. Gog's bread, Hodge, thou had a good turn,
thou wert not here this while.
It had been better for some of us to have been
hence a mile.
My gammer is so out of course, and frantic all at
once.
That Cock our boy and I, poor wench, have felt it
on our bones.
HoDGE. What is the matter, say on, Tib, whereat
she taketh so on ?
Tib. She is undone ; she saith (alas) her joy and
life is gone.
180 GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLE.
If she hear not of some comfort, she saith she is
but dead,
Shall never come within her lips one inch of meat
ne bread.
Hodge. By'r lady, cham not very glad to see
her in this dump ;
Chold a noble her stool hath fallen, and she hatli
broke her rump.
Tib. Nay, and that were the worst, we would
not greatly care,
For bursting^ of her huckle-bone or breaking of
her chair.
But greater, greater is her grief, as, Hodge, we
shall all feel.
Hodge. Gog's wounds, Tib, my gammer has
never lost her nee'le ?
Tib. Her nee'le !
Hodge. Her nee'le 1
Tib. Her nee'le ; l>y him that made me, it is
true, Hodge, I tell thee.
Hodge. Gog's sacrament ! I would she had lost
th' heart out of her belly.
The devil or else his dame, they ought her sure a shame.
How a murrion came this chance, (say, Tib) unto
our dame 1
^ i.e., Breaking. See Note on "King Henry IV.," Part
II., edit. 1778, vol. v., p. 537.— S.
From the following passage, in a letter from Mr Sterne,
dated August 11, 1767, it appears that the word was then
still used in the same sense among the common people in
the north of England. " My postilion has set me a-ground
for a week, by one of my pistols bursting in his hand, which
he, taking for granted to be quite shot off, he instantly fell
upon his knees, and said, ' Our Father which art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,' at which, like a good Christian, he
stopped, not remembering any more of it; the afiair was
not so bad as he at first thought, for it has only burskn two
of his fingers, he says."
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. l8l
Tib. My gammer sat her down on her pes,^ and
bad me reach thy breeches,
And by and by, a vengeance in it, ere she had take
two stitches.
To clout a clout upon thine arse, by chance aside
she leers.
And Gib our cat in the milk-pan she spied over
head and ears.
Ah whore, out these, she cried aloud, and swept
the breeches doAvn,
Up went her staff, and out leapt Gib at doors into
the town.
And since that time was, never wight could set
their eyes upon it.
Gog's malison chave Cock and I bid twenty
times light on it.-
Hodge. And is not then my breeches sewed up,
to-morrow that I should wear 1
Tib. No, in faith, Hodge, thy breeches lie, for
all this never the near.
Hodge. Now a vengeance light on all the sort,
that better should have kept it ;
The cat, the house, and Tib our maid, that better
should have swept it.
See where she cometh crawling ! come on, in
twenty devils' Avay ;
Ye have made a fair day's Avork, have you not,
pray you say 1
THE FIRST ACT.
the fourth scene.
Gajvimer, Hodge, Tib, Cock,
Gammer. Alas, alas, I may well curse and ban
^ [Haunch. See Halliwell's "Diet. v. Pesate."]
" i.e., God's curse. Glossary to Peter Langtoft.
182 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
This day, that ever I saw it, with Gib and the
milk-i:>an.
For these and ill luck together, as knoweth Cock
my boy,
Have stack ^ away my dear nee'le, and robbed me
of my joy.
My fair long straight nee'le, that was mine only
treasure,
The first day of my sorrow is, and last end of my
pleasure.
Hodge (aside). Might ha' kejjt it, when ye had
it ; but fools will be fools still :
Lose that is vast in your hands 1 ye need not, but
ye will.
Gammer. Go hie thee, Tib, and run, thou whore,
to the end here of the town.
Didst carry out dust in thy lap ? seek where thou
pourest it down ;
And as thou sawest me raking in the ashes where
I mourned,
So see in all the heap of dust thou leave no straw
unturned.
Tib. That chall. Gammer, swyth and tite,^ and
soon be here again.
Gammer. Tib, stoop and look down to the
ground to it, and take some pain.
Hodge. Here is a pretty matter, to see this gear
how it goes :
1 Mr Dodsley, in the former edition, reads tacke.
^ Swiftly and directly —
Kyng Estmere threwe the harpe asyde
And swilh he drew his brand ;
And Estmere he and Alder yonge,
Right stiffe in stour can stand.
— Percy's Reliques of Ancient Poetry,
[Ed. 1765] vol. i., p. 75.
Hence swt/the to Doctor Rat hie thee, that thou were gone.
— Act iii., sc. 3.
Thou Shalt find lying an inch of white tallow candle.
Light it, and bring it tde away.
— Act i., sc. 4.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 183
By Gog's soul, I think you would lose your arse,
and it were loose.
Your nee'le lost? it is pity you should lack care
and endless sorrow.
Gog's death, how shall my breeches be sewed?
Shall I go thus to-morrow?
Gammer. Ah, Hodge, Hodge, if that ich could
find my nee'le, by the reed,
Ch'ould sew thy breeches, ich promise thee, with
full good double thread.
And set a patch on either knee should last this
moneths twain.
Now God and good Saint Sithe, I pray to send it
home 2 again.
Hodge. Whereto served your hands and eyes,
but this your nee'le to keep 1
What devil had you else to do? ye keep, ich wot,
no sheep.
Cham fain abroad to dig and delve, in water, mire,
and clay,
Sossing and possing in the dirt still from day to
day.
A hundred things that be abroad cham set to see
them well :
And four of you sit idle at home, and cannot keep
a nee'le !
Gammer. My nee'le, alas, ich lost it, Hodge, what
time ich me up hasted,
To save milk set up for thee, which Gib our cat
hath wasted.
Hodge. The devil he burst both Gib and Tib,
with all the rest ;
Cham always sure of the worst end, whoever have
the best.
^ Perhaps a corruption of Saint Swithin. — S.
* Mr Dodsley reads, back again.
184 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE,
A^Tiere ha' you been fidging abroad, since you your
nee'le lost ]
Gammer. Within the house, and at the door,
sitting by this same post ;
Wliere I was looking a long hour, before these
folks came here ;
But, wellaway ! all was in vain, my nee'le is never
the near.
Hodge. Set me a candle, let me seek, and
grope wherever it be.
Gog's heart, ye be foolish (ich think), you know it
not, when you it see.
Gammer. Come hither, Cock : what, Cock, I say.
Cock. How, Gammer 1
Gammer. Go, liie thee soon, and grope behind
the old brass pan,
Which thing when thou hast done.
There shalt thou find an old shoe, wherein, if thou
look Avell,
Thou shalt find lying an inch of white tallow
candle ;
Light it, and bring it tite away.
Cock. That shall be done anon.
Gammer. Nay, tarry, Hodge, till thou hast light,
and then we'll seek each one.
Hodge. Come away, ye whoreson boy, are ye
asleep 1 ye must have a crier.
Cock. Ich cannot get the candle light : here is
almost no fire.
Hodge. Chill hold thee a penny, chill make thee
come, if that ich may catch thine ears.
Art deaf, thou whoreson boy ? Cock, I say ; why,
canst not hear ?
Gammer. Beat him not, Hodge, but help the
boy, and come you two together.
GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLE. 185
THEFIRSTACT.
the fifth scene.
Gammer, Tib, Cock, Hodge.
Gammer. How now, Tib ! quick, let's hear what
news thou hast brought hither ?
Tib. Chave tost and tumbled yonder heap over
and over again,
And winnowed it through my fingers, as men
would winnow grain ;
Not so much as a hen's turd, but in pieces T tare it.
Or whatsoever clod or clay I found, I did not spare
it.
Looking within and eke without, to find your
nee'le (alas)
But all in vain and without help your nee'le is
where it was.
Gammer. Alas, my nee'le, we shall never meet !
adieu, adieu, for aye.
Tib. Not so, Gammer, we might it find, if we
knew where it lay.
Cock. Gog's cross, Gammer, if ye will laugh,
look in but at the door,
And see how Hodge lieth trembling and tossing
amids the flour.
Raking there some fire to find among the ashes dead,
Where there is not one spark so big as a pin's
head :
At last in a dark corner two sparks he thought he
sees,
Which were indeed nought else but Gib our cat's
two eyes.
Puff, quod Hodge, thinking thereby to have fire
without doubt ;
186 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
With that Gib shut her two eyes, and so the fire
was out ;
And by and by them opened, even as they were
before,
With that the sparks appeared even as they had
done of yore ;
And even as Hodge blew the fire (as he did think),
Gib, as she felt the blast, straightway began to
wink ;
Till Hodge fell of swearing, as came best to his
turn,
The fire was sure bewitch'd, and therefore would
not burn :
At last Gib up the stairs, among the old posts and
pins,
And Hodge he hied him after, till broke were both
his shins :
Cursing and swearing oaths were never of his
making,
That Gib would fire the house, if that she were
not taken.
Gammer. See, here is all the thought that the
foolish urchin taketh !
And Tib, me-think, at his elbow almost as merry
maketh.
This is all the wit ye have, when others make their
moan :
Come down, Hodge, where art thou ? and let the
cat alone.
Hodge. Gog's heart, help and come .up : Gib in
her tail hath fire,
And is like to burn all, if she get a little higher.
Come down (quoth you ?) nay, then you might
count me a patch, ^
^ " This term," says Mr Malone, " came into use from the
name of a celebrated fool. This I learn from Wilson's
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 187
The house cometh down on your heads, if it take
once the thatch.
Gammer. It is the cat's eyes, fool, that shineth
in the dark.
Hodge. Hath the cat, do you think, in every
eye a spark 1
Gammer. No, but they shine as like fire as ever
man see.
Hodge. By the mass, and she burn all, you sh'
bear the blame for me.
Gammer. Come down and help to seek here our
nee'le, that it were found ;
Down, Tib, on thy knees, I say, down, Cock, to the
ground.
' Art of Rhetorique,' 1553 : 'A word making, called of the
Grecians Onomatopiea, is when we make words of our own
mind, such as be derived from the nature of things,' as to
call one patche, or cowlson, whom we see to do a thing
foolishly; because these two in their time were notable
fools.
"Probably the dress which the celebrated patch wore was
in allusion to his name, patched or parti-coloured. Hence
the stage-fool has ever since been exhibited in a motley
coat. In Rowley's 'When you see me, you know me,'
Cardinal Wolsey's fool Patch is introduced. Perhaps he
was the original patch of whom AVilson speaks." — Note on
" Merchant of A''enice," act ii., sc. 5.
In Chaloner's translation of the "Praise of Folly," by
Erasmus, 1549, is the following passage : " And by the
fayeth ye owe to the immortal godds, may any thing to an
indifferent considerer be deemed more happie and blisful
than is this kinde of men whome commonly ye call fooles,
poltes, ideotes, and paches ? "
Again, " I have subtraied these my selie paches, who not
onelye themselves are ever mery, playing, singing, and
laughyng, but also whatever they doo, are provokers of
others lykewyse to pleasure, sporte, and laughter, as who
sayeth ordeyned herefore by the Godds of theyr benevolence
to recreate the sadnesse of mens lyves."
188 GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLK
To God I make a vow, and so to good Saint
Anne,^
A candle shall they have a-piece, get it where I
can,
If I may my nee'le find in one place or in other.
Hodge. Now a vengeance on Gib light, on Gib
and Gib's mother.
And all the generation of cats both far and near.
Look on the ground, whoreson, thinks thou the
nee'le is here 1
Cock. By my troth, Gammer, me-thought your
nee'le here I saw,
But when my fingers touch'd it, I felt it was a
straw.
Tib. See, Hodge, what 's t'is ; may it not be
within it 1
Hodge. Break it, fool, with thy hand, and see,
and thou canst fiind it.
Tib. Nay, break it you, Hodge, according to
your word.
Hodge. Gog's sides, fie ! it stinks : it is a cat's
turd :
It were well done to make thee eat it, by the
mass.
Gammer. This matter amendeth not, my nee'le
is still where it was.
Our candle is at an end, let us all in quite.
And come another time, when we have more light.
^ In all cases of distress, and whenever the assistance of
a superior power was necessary, it was usual with the Roman
Catholics to promise their tutelary saints to light up candles
at their altars, to induce them to be propitious to such
applications as were made to them. The reader will see a
very ridiculous story of this kind in the first volume of
Lord Oxford's " Collection of Voyages," p. 771, quoted in
Dr Grey's " Notes on Shakspeare," vol. i. p. 7. Erasmus
has a story to the same purpose in his " Naufragium."
\
r
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 189
THE SECOND ACT.
First a SoNG.i
Back and side go hare, go hare,
Both foot and hand go cold :
But, helly, God send thee good ale enough,
Whether it he new or old.
I cannot eat hid little meat.
My stomach is not good;
But sure I think, that 1 can drink
With him that wears a hood."^
Though I go hare, take ye no care,
I am nothing a-cold ;
I stuff my skin so full ivithin
Of Jolly good ale and old.
Back and side go hare, go hare.
Both foot and hand go cold :
But, helly, God send thee good ale enough,
Whether it he new or old.
I love no roast hut a nut-hrovm toast,^
And a crab laid in the fire.
A little bread shall do me stead :
Much bread I not desire.
^ [Respecting this song, see Bell's " Songs from the
Dramatists," p. 34.]
- Alluding to the drunkenness of the Friars.
2 So in act iii., sc. 4—
"A cup of ale had iu his hand, and a crab lay in the fire."
Again —
"Now a crab in the five were worth a good gioat,
That I might quaff with my Captain Tom tospot."
— Fulwell's Like will to Like, c. 2.
190 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
No frost nor snoio, no toind, I trow,
Can hurt me if I u'ould;
I am so wrapt, and thoroughly lapt
Of jolly good ale and old.
Back and side go hare, &c.
And Tib my wife, that as her life
Loveth well good ale to seek.
Full oft drinks she, till ye may see
The tears 7-un down her cheek ;
Then doth she troivl to me the bowl ^
Even as a malt-worm should;
And saiih, sweet heai-t, I have take my part
Of this jolly good ale and old.
Back and side go bare, &c.
Again —
" And sometime lurk I in a gossip's bowl,
In very likeness of a roasted crab."
— Midsummer Night's Dream, act li., sc. 1.
Upon this last passage, Mr Steevens has given the follow-
ing examples of the use of this word —
" Yet we will have in store a crab in the fire,
With nut-brown ale." — Henry V., Anon.
" And sit down in my chaire by my faire Alison,
And turn a crabbe in the fire as merry as Pope Joan."
— Edwards's Damon and Pithias.
" Sitting in a corner turning crabs,
Or coughing o'er a warmed pot of ale."
— Description of Christmas in Summer's last Will
and Testament, by Nash, 1600.
^ Trowl, or trole the howl, was a common phrase in drinking
for passing the vessel about, as appears by the following be-
ginning of an old catch —
" Trole, trole the bowl to me,
And I will trole the same again to thee."
And in this other, in Hilton's Collection —
" Tom Bouls, Tom Bouls,
Seest thou not how merrily this good ale trowles f
— Sir John Hawkins's ^History of Music, Vol. III., 22.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 191
Now let them dr'ink, till they nod and wink,
Even as good fellows should do.
They shall not miss to have the bliss
Good ale doth bring men to ;
And all poor souls that have scoured loivls,
Or have them lustly troll'd,
God save the lives of them and their wives,
Whether they be young or old.
Back and side go hare, &c.
THE FIRST SCENE.
DiCCON, HODGE.
DiCGON. Well done, by Gog's malt, well sung
and well said :
Come on, mother Chat, as thou art a ^ true maid.
One fresh pot of ale let 's see, to make an end,
Against this cold weather my naked arms - to de-
fend :
This gear it warms the soul : now, wind, blow on
thy worst,
Again —
" Sirra Shakebagge, canst thou remember
Since we trould the boule at Sittingburn.
— Arden of FtvernJiam, 1592.
" GiVt us weele pledge, nor shall a man that lives
In charity refuse it, I will not be so old
As not be gract to honour Cupid, giv't us full.
When we were young, we could ha trold it off.
Drunke down a Dutchman."
— Marston's Parasitaster or The Fawne, act. v.
" Now the cups trole about to wet the gossips whistles,
It pours down, I faith, they never think of payment."
— A Chast Mayd in Cheap-side, p. 34.
1 Add.
* See Dekker's Description of an Abraham -man, supra.
192 GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLE.
And let us drink and swill till that our bellies
burst,
Now were he a wise man, by cunning could define
Which way my journey lieth, or where Diccon
will dine :
But one good turn I have, be it by night or day.
South, east, north, or west, I am never out of my
way.
Hodge. Chim goodly rewarded, cham I not, do
you think 1
Chad a goodly dinner for all my sweat and swink.^
Neither butter, cheese, milk, onions, flesh, nor
fish.
Save this piece of barley-bread : 'tis a pleasant costlj'
dish !
Diccon. Hail, fellow Hodge, and well ^ to fare
with thy meat, if you have any :
But by thy words, as I them smelled, thy daintrels
be not many.
Hodge. Daintrels, Diccon ! Gog's soul, man, save
this piece of dry horsebread,
^ To swinl- is to work or labour ; as in Spenser's " Fairy
Queen," B. II., cant, vii., st. 8.
" For which men sweat and swink incessantly."
Again in " Comus," 1. 293 —
" And the swirikt hedger at his supper sat."
Also in Chaucer's " Canterbury Tales," Prol., 1. 184 —
" What schulde he studie. make himselven wood,
TJppon a book in cloystre alway to powre.
Or swinke with his hands, and laboure,
As Austin byt ? how schal the world be served ?
Let Austyn have his swynk to him reserved."
And in "Pierce Plowman's Vision" —
" Hermets an heape with hoked staves,
Wenten to Walsingham, and her wenches after.
Great loubees and long, that loth were to swinke,
Clothed hem in copes, to be knowen from other."
2 Will.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 193
Chat bit no bit this livelong day, no crumb come
in my head :
My guts they yawl, crawl, and all my belly rum-
bleth,
The puddings cannot lie still, each one over other
tumbleth.
By Gog's heart, cham so vexed, and in my belly
penn'd,
Chould one piece were at the spital-house, another
at the castle's end.
DiccoN. Why, Hodge, was there none at home
thy dinner for to set 1
Hodge. Gog's bread, Diccon, ich came too late,
was nothing there to get :
Gib (a foul fiend might on her light) licked the
milk-pan so clean ;
See, Diccon, 'twas not so well washed this seven
year, as ich ween.
A pestilence light on all ill-luck, chad thought yet
for all this
Of a morsel of bacon behind the door at worst
should not miss :
But when ich sought a slip to cut, as ich was wont
to do,
Gog's souls, Diccon, Gib our cat had eat the bacon
too :
[Which bacon Diccon stole, as is declared before.
Diccon. Ill-luck, quod he 1 marry, swear it,
Hodge, this day the truth tell.
Thou rose not on thy right side, or else blessed
thee not well.
Tliy milk slopped up ! thy bacon filched ! that was
too bad luck, Hodge.
Hodge. Nay, nay, there was a fouler fault, my
Gammer ga' me the dodge :
Seest not how cham rent and torn, my heels, my
knees, and my breech ]
VOL. IIL N
194 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Chad thought, as ich sat by the fire, helj) here and
there a stitch ;
But there ich was pouped indeed.
DiCCON. Why, Hodge 1
Hodge. Boots not, man, to tell,
Cham so drest amongst a sort of fools, chad better
be in hell.
My Gammer (cham ashamed to say) by God, served
me not well.
DiccON. How so, Hodge?
Hodge. Has she not gone, trowest now thou,
and lost her nee'le 1
DiccoN. Her eel, Hodge ! who fished of late ?
that was a dainty dish.
Hodge. Tush, tush, her nee'le, her nee'le, her
nee'le, man : 'tis neither flesh nor fish,
A little thing with an hole in the end, as bright as
any sil'er,
Small, long, sharp at the point, and straight as
any pillar.
DiCCON. I know not what a devil thou meanest,
thou bring'st me more in doubt.
Hodge. Knowest not with what Tom-tailor's
man sits broaching through a clout 1
A nee'le, a nee'le, a nee'le, my Gammer's nee'le is
gone.
DiCCON. Her nee'le ! Hodge, now I smell thee ;
that was a chance alone :
By the mass, thou hast a shameful loss, and it were
but for thy breeches.
Hodge. Gog's soul, man, chould give a crown,
chad it but three stitches.
DiCCON. How sayest thou, Hodge 1 what should
he have, again thy needle got ?
Hodge. By m' father's soul, and chad it, chould
give him a new groat.
DiCCON. Canst thou keep counsel in this case ?
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 195
Hodge. Else cliwold my tongue were out.
DiccON. Do thou^ but then by my advice, <and
I will fetch it without doubt.
Hodge. Chill run, chill ride, chill dig, chill
delve,
Chill toil, chill trudge, shalt see ;
Chill hold, chill draw, chill pull, chill pinch.
Chill kneel on my bare knee ;
Chill scrape, chill scratch, chill sift, chill seek,
Chill bow, chill bend, chill sweat.
Chill stoop, chill stour, chill cap, chill kneel,
Chill creep on hands and feet ;
Chill be thy bondman, Diccon, ich swear by sun
and moon.
And channot somewhat to stop this gap, cham
utterly undone.
[Fointincf behind to his torn breeches.
Diccon. Why, is there any special cause thou
takest hereat such sorrow ?
Hodge. Kirstian Clack, Tom Simson's maid, by
the mass, comes hither to-morrow.
Cham not able to say between us what may hap.
She smiled on me the last Sunday, when ich put off
my cap.
Diccon. Well, Hodge, this is a matter of weight,
and must be kept close.
It might 'else turn to both our costs, as the world
now froes.2
1 Old copy, than.
^ In the 14th of Queen Elizabeth, 1572, an Act of Parlia-
ment passed, by which very heavy penalties were inflicted on
all rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggars. Among others,
who are therein described and directed to be deemed such,
are idle persons going about feigning themselves to have
knowledge in phisnomie, palmestrie, or other abused sciences,
whereby they bear the people in hand that they can tell their
destinies, deaths, and fortunes, and such other like fantastical
196 GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLE.
Shalt swear to be no blab, Hodge 1
Hodge, Chill, Diccon.
DiccoN. Then go to,
Lay thine hand here, say after me, as thou shalt
hear me do.
Hast no book 1
HoDGK Cha no book, I.
Diccon. Then needs must force us both.
Upon my breech to lay thine hand, and there to
take thine oath.
Hodge. I, Hodge breechless,
Swear to Diccon rechless
By the cross that I shall kiss,
To keep his counsel close.
And always me to dispose
To work that his pleasure is.
[Here he kisseth Diccon's breech.
Diccon. Now, Hodge, see thou take heed,
And do as I thee bid ;
For so I judge it meet,
This needle again to win,
There is no shift therein.
But conjure up a spreet.
Hodge. What the great devil, Diccon, I say 1
Diccon. Yea, in good faith, that is the way,
Fet^ with some pretty charm.
Hodge. Soft, Diccon, be not too hasty yet.
By the mass, for ich begin to sweat,
Cham afraid of some'-^ harm.
Diccon. Come hither then, and stir thee not
One inch out of this circle plat.
But stand, as I thee teach.
imaginations. This statute seems to be alluded to here by
Diccon. and -will serve to confirm the later date of the play ;
and at the same time prove the forgery of that assigned to
it by Chetwood.
•^ Fetched. ^ Old copy, syme.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 197
Hodge. And shall ich be here safe from their
claws t
DiccoN. The master-devil with his long paws
Here to thee cannot reach —
Now will I settle me to this gear.
Hodge. I say, Diccon, hear me, hear :
Go softly to this matter.
Diccon. What devil, man, art afraid of nought 'i
Hodge. Canst not tarry a little thought
Till ich make a courtesy of water 1 ^
Diccon. Stand still to it, why shoiddest thou
fear him 1
Hodge. Gog's sides, Diccon, me -think ichhearhim.
And tarry, chall mar all.
Diccon. The matter is no worse than I told it.
Hodge. By the mass, cliam able no longer to
hold it :
So - bad, ich must beray the hall.
Diccon. Stand to it, Hodge, stir not, you whore-
son.
What devil, be thine arse-strings brusten ?
Thyself a while but stay.
The devil (I smell him) will be here anon.
Hodge. Hold him fast, Diccon, cham gone, cham
gone,
Chill not be at that fray.
THE SECOND ACT.
THE second scene.
Diccon, Chat.
Diccon. Fie, shitten knave, and out upon thee !
Above all other louts, fie on thee !
1 " Ut mulieres solent ad mingendum." — 5. * To.
198 GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLE.
Is not here a cleanly prank ?
But thy matter was no better,
Nor thy presence here no sweeter,
To fly I con^ thee thank. ^
Here is a matter worthy glosing ®
Of Gammer Gurton's needle losing,
And a foul piece of wark :
A man, I think, might make a play
And need no word to this they say,
Being but half a clerk.
Soft, let me alone, I will take the charge
This matter further to enlarge
Within a time short ;
If ye will mark my toys, and note,
I will give ye leave to cut my throat
If I make no good sj)ort.
^ Can.
^ I con him no thanks for it, occurs in Shakspeare's " All's
Well that Ends Well," and Mr Steevens says it means, " I
shall not thank him in studied language." I meet with the
same expression in Nash's " Pierce Pennilesse," &c. —
"I believe he will con thee little thanks for it."
Again, in "Wily Beguiled," 1606 —
" I con master Churms thanks for this."
Again, in "Anything for a Quiet Life": "He would not
trust you with it, I con him thanks for it."
Cun or con thanks, says the " Glossary to the Lancashire
Dialect," is to give thanks ; and in that sense only the words
appear to be used to this day in the North of England. In
Erasmus's " Praise of Folly," by Chaloner, 3 549, sig. E 2 :
" But in the meane while ye ought to conne me thanke," &c.,
and sig. 14:" Who natheless conned him as greate thanke,"
&c. Again, in Nash's " Pierce Pennilesse," p. 28 : " It is
well doone ' to practise thy wit, but (I believe) our Lord
will cun thee little thanke for it.' "
3 i.e., Glossing or commenting upon. So, in " Pierce
Plowman " :
'' Closed the Gospel as hem good liked,
For covetous of copes construe it as thei wold."
GAilMER GURTON's NEEDLE. 199
Dame Chat, I say, where be ye within 1
Chat. Who have we there maketh such a din 1
DiccoN. Here is a good fellow maketh no great
danger.
Chat. What, Diccon? come near, ye be no
stranger :
We be fast set at trump, ^ man, hard by the fire ;
Thou shalt set on the king, if thou come a little
nigher.
DiCCON. N'ay, na}', there is no tarrying : I must
be gone again ;
But first for you in counsel- I have a word or
twain.
Chat. Come hither, Doll; Doll, sit do^\Ti and
play this game,
And as thou sawest me do, see thou do even the
same :
There is five trumps besides the queen, the hind-
most thou shalt find her,
Take heed of Sim Glover's wife, she hath an eye
behind her.
Now, Diccon, say your will.
DiccoN. Nay, soft a little yet,
I would not tell my sister, the matter is so great.
There, I will have you swear by Our Dear Lady
of Boulogne,^
^ Trump was a game played with cards, as will appear by
the following passage of Dekker's "Bellman of London,"
1608, sig. F : "To speak of all the slights used by Card'
players in al sorts of Games would but weary you that are
to read, and bee but a thanklesse and unpleasing labour for
me to set them downe. Omitting therefore the deceipts
practised (even in the fairest & most ciuill companies) at
Primero, Saunt, Maw, Tromp, and such like games, I will,"
&c. [See Nares, v. Trump.]
^ i.e., In secrecy. See note to the "Merry Wives of
Windsor," edit. 1778, vol. i., p. 228.-6'.
3 Our dear Lady of Boulogne is no other than the image
200 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Saint Dunstan and Saint Dominic, with the three
Kings of Cologne,^
That ye shall keep it secret.
Chat. Gog's bread, that will I do,
As secret as mine own thought, by God and the
devil too.-
of the Virgin Mary at Boulogne, which was formerly held
in so much reverence, that it was one of those to which Pil-
grimages used to be made. In Chaucer's "Canterbury
Tales," Prol. 1. 465, describing the " Wife of Bath," he
says —
" And thries hadde sche ben at Jerusalem.
Sche hadde passed many a straunge streem.
At Rome sche hadde ben, and at Boloyne.
In Galice at seynt Jame, and at Coloyne."
The Virgin Mary was the patroness of the town of Boulogne
in a very singular manner, it being holden immediately of
her : " For when King Lewis II., after the decease of Charles
of Burgundy, had taken in Boulogne, anno 1477, as new
Lord of the town (thus John de Serres relateth it), he did
homage without sword or spurs bareheaded, and on his knee,
before the Virgin Mary, offering unto her image an heart of
massie gold, weighing 2000 crowns. He added also this, that
he and his successors, kings after him, should hold the county
of Boulogne of the said Virgin, and do homage unto her
image in the great church of the higher town dedicated to
her name, paying at every change of a vassal an heart of
pure gold of the same weight." — Heylin's "Survey of
France," 1656, p. 193.
1 The three kings of Cologne are supposed to have been
the wise men who travelled unto our Saviour by the direc-
tion of the star. To these kings several writers have given
the names of Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthazar ; but Sir
Thomas Browne, in his "Vulgar Errors," has a whole chapter
concerning them, in which he doubts all the principal facts
in the account of them. See B. vii., c. 8. The celebrated
Thomas Coryat, when at Cologne, took some pains to collect
many circumstances relative to these kings, with which he
hath filled several pages of his book ; and to which those
who are desirous of further information on the subject must
be referred.
* Two,
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 201
DiCCON. Here is Gammer Gurton, your neigh-
bour, ta sad and heavy wight,
Her goodly fair red cock at home was stole this
last night.
Chat. Gog's soul ! her cock ^dth the yellow legs,
that nightly crowded ^ so just 1
DiccoN. That cock is stolen.
Chat. What, was he fet out of the hen's roost ?
DiCCON. I cannot tell where the devil he was
kept under key or lock,
But Tib hath tickled in Gammer's ear, that you
should steal the cock.
Chat. Have I ; strong whore ! by bread and
salts—
DiccON. What, soft, I say, be still :
Say not one word for all this gear.
Chat. By the mass, that I will,
I will have the young whore by the head and the
old trot by the tliroat.
DiccoN. Not one word, dame Chat, I say, not
one word for my coat.
Chat. Shall such a beggar's brawl ^ as that,
thinkest thou, make me a thief ?
The pox light on her whore's sides, a pestilence
and mischief !
^ A crowd is a small fiddle. Hence the name of Crowdero,
in Hudibras. Crowded means — made a musical noise. — S.
* This oath occurs again, act v., sc. 2 —
" Yet shall ye find no other wight save she, by bread and salt."
From the following passage, in Nash's " Lenten Stuff,"
1599, it may be inferred that it was once customary to eat
bread and salt previous to the taking an oath : "Venus, for
Hero was her Priest, and Juno Lucina the Midwife's God-
dess, for she was now quickened, and cast away by the cruelty
of ^olus, took bread and salt, and eat it, that they would be
smartly revenged on that truculent, windv jailor," &c,
3 [Brat.]
202 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Come out, thou hungry needy bitch ; 0, that my
nails be short !
DiccoN. Gog's bread, woman, hold your peace,
this gear will else pass sport ;
I would not for an hundred pound this matter
should be known
That I am author of this tale, or have abroad it
blown.
Did ye not swear ye would be ruled, before the tale
I told 1
I said ye must all secret keep, and ye said sure ye
would.
Chat. Would you suffer, yourself, Diccon, such
a sort to revile you
With slanderous words to blot your name, and so
to defile you 1
Diccon. No, good wife Chat, I would be loth
such drabs should blot my name ;
But yet ye must so order all, that Diccon bear no
blame.
Chat. Go to, then, what is your reed,^ say on
your mind, ye shall me rule herein.
1 Counsel or advice. So in act iv., sc. 2 —
" Therefore I reed you three, go hence and within keep close."
Again —
" Well, if ye will be ordered and do by my reed."
Again, act v., sc. 2 —
" And where ye sat, he said full certain, if I would follow his reed."
Again, in Erasmus's " Praise of Folia," by Chaloner, sig.
D 3 : " Vnles perchaunce some would chuse suche a souldiour
as was Demosthenes.who folowyingArchilocus the poetes rede,
scarse lookynge his enemies in the face, threw downe his
Bhelde and ranne awaie, as cowardly a warriour as he was a
wyse oratour."
The old version of the singing Psalms also begins in this
manner —
" The man is blest that hath not bent
To wicked rede his ear. "
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 203
DiccoN. Godamercy, dame Chat, in faith thou
must the gear begin :
It is twenty pound to a goose-turd my Gammer
will not tarry.
But hitherward she comes as fast as her legs can carry,
To brawl with you about her cock, for well I heard
Tib say,
The cock was roasted in your house to breakfast
yesterday :
And when ye had the carcase eaten, the feathers
ye outflung.
And Doll your maid the legs she hid a foot-deep in
the dung.
Chat. gracious God, my heart it bursts !
DiCCON. Well, rule yourself a space.
And Gammer Gurton, when she cometh anon into
this place.
Then to the quean let 's see : tell her your mind, and
spare not.
So shall Diccon blameless be ; and then go to, I
care not.
Chat. Then, whore, beware her throat, I can
abide no longer :
In faith, old witch, it shall be seen which of us two
be stronger ;
And Diccon, but at your request I would not stay
one hour.
Diccon. Well, keep it in, till she be here, and
then out let it pour.
In the meanwhile get you in, and make no words
of this ;
More of this matter within this hour to hear you
shall not miss.
Because I know you are my friend, hide it I could
not doubtless :
Ye know your harm, see ye be mse about your own
business.
204 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE
So fare ye well —
Chat. Nay, soft, Diccon, and drink : what, Doll,
I say,
Bring here a cup of the best ale, let 's see, come
quickly away.
THE SECOND ACT.
the third scene.
Hodge, Diccon.
Diccon. Ye see, masters, that one end tapp'd of
this my short device,
Now must we broach t'other too, before the smoke
arise ;
And by the time they have a while run,
I trust ye need not crave it.
But look what lieth in both their hearts, ye are like
sure to have it.
Hodge. Yea, Gog's soul, art alive yet? what
Diccon, dare ich come 1
Diccon. A man is well hied to trust to thee, I
will say nothing but mum.
But, and ye come any nearer, I pray you see all be
sweet.
Hodge. Tush, man, is Gammer's nee'le found ?
that chould gladly weet.^
Diccon, She may thank thee it is not found,
for if you had kept thy standing,
i^.c, Gladly know. So ia Shakspeare's "Antony and
Cleopatra," act i., sc. 1 —
" In which I bind.
On pain of punishment, the world to weete,
We stand up peerless."
The [form] weet is also used by Spenser and Fairfax.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 205
The devil he would have fet it out — ev'n, Hodge,
at thy commanding.
Hodge. Gog's heart ! and could he tell nothing
where the nee'le might be found ?
DiccON. Ye foolish dolt, ye were to seek, ere
we had got our ground ;
Therefore his tale so doubtful was, that I could not
perceive it.
Hodge. Then ich see well something was said,
chope one day yet to have it.
But Diccon, Diccon, did not the devil cry, ho, ho,
hol^
Diccon. If thou hadst tarried where thou
stood'st, thou wouldst hove said so.
Hodge. Durst swear of a book, cheard him
roar, straight after ich was gone ;
But tell me, Diccon, what said the knave, let me
hear it anon.
Diccon. The whoreson talked to me, I know
not well of what :
One while his tongue it ran, and paltered ^ of a cat.
^ In the ancient moralities, and in many of the earliest en-
tertainments of the stage, the devil is introduced as a
character, and it appears to have been customary to bring
him before the audience with this cry of ho, ho, ho. See
particularly the " Devil is an Ass," by Ben Jonson, act. i.,
sc. 1. From the following passages in "Wily Beguiled,"
1606, we learn the manner in which the character used to be
dressed : — "Tush! fear not the dodge : I '11 rather put on
my flashing red nose and my flaming face, and come wrapp'd
in a calf!s skin, and cry, ho, ho," &c. Again, "I'll put
me on my great carnation nose, and wrap me in a rowsing
calf's skin suit, and come like some hobgoblin, or some
devil ascended from the grisly pit of hell; and like a
scarbabe make him take his legs ; I 'II play the devil, I war-
rant ye."
^ To palter is, as Dr Johnson explains it, to shuffle with
ambiguous expressions. Thus —
206 GAMMER GURTON S NEEDLE.
Another while he stammered still upon a rat ;
Last of all there was nothing but every word, Chat,
Chat ;
But this I well perceived, before I would him rid,
Between Chat, and the rat, and the cat, the needle
is hid :
Now whether Gib our cat hath eat it in her maw.
Or Doctor Eat our curate hath found it in the
straw.
Or this dame Chat your neighbour hath stolen it,
God he knoweth,
But by the morrow at this time we shall learn how
the matter goeth.
Hodge. Canst not learn to-night, man, seest not
what is here 1
\Pointiiicf behind to his torn breeches.
DiCCON. 'Tis not possible to make it sooner ap-
pear.
Hodge. Alias, Diccon, then chave no shift ; but
lest ich tarry too long,
[Will] hie me to Sim Glover's shop, there to seek
for thong.
Therewith this breech to thatch and tie, as ich
may.
Diccon. To-morrow, Hodge, if we chance to
meet, shall see what I will say.
" And be these juggling fiends no more believ'd,
That palter with us in a double sense."
— Macbeth, act v. , sc. 8.
In confirmation of Dr Johnson's explanation, Mr Steevens
produces the following instances : —
" Now, fortune, frown, and palter, if thou please."
— Marius and Sylla, 1594.
" Romans that have spoke the word.
And will not pa/<er."
J— Englishmen for my Money, c. 3. — O.G.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE, 207
THE SECOND ACT.
THE FOURTH SCENE.
DiccoN, Gammer.
DiCCON. Now this gear must forward go, for
here my Gammer cometh :
Be still a while, and say nothing, make here a little
romth.^
Gammer. Good lord ! shall never be my luck
my nee'le again to spy ?
Alas the while, 'tis past my help ; where 'tis, still
it must lie.
DiccoN. Now, Jesus, Gammer Gurton, what
driveth you to this sadness t
I fear me, by my conscience, you will sure fall to
madness.
Gammer. Wlio is that? what, Diccon ? cham
lost, man : fie, fie.
Diccon, Marry, fie on them that be worthy ;
but what should be your trouble 1
Gammer. Alas, the more ich think on it, my
sorrow it waxeth double.
My goodly tossing - Spurrier's nee'le ^ chave lost,
ich wot not where.
Diccon. Your nee'le ! when 1
Gaivimer, My nee'le : alas ! ich might full ill it spare,
^ I suppose he means to say a little room ; and therefore
retires till Gammer Gurton has uttered her complaint — S.
" I imagine this word was formerly used to signify sharp.
So in "The Woman's Prize," hy Beaumont and Fletcher,
act ii., sc. 4 —
" They heave ye stool on stool, and fling [a-]main pot-lids
Like massy rocks dart ladles, tossing irons
And tongs like thunder-bolts, till oyerlaid
They fall beneath the weight."
[Dyce's B. and F. vii., 140.]
^ The ancient spurs were fixed into straps of leather.
Spurriers, of course, would be obliged to use very strong
needles. — S.
208 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
As God himself he knoweth, ne'er one beside chave.
DiCCON. If tliis be all, good Gammer, I warrant
you all is safe.
Gammer. Why, know you any tidings which
way my nee'le is gone 1
DiCCON. Yea, that I do, doubtless, as ye shall
hear anon,
'A see a thing this matter toucheth within these
twenty hours,
Even at this gate before my face, by a neighbour
of yours ;
She stooped me down, and uj) she took up a
needle or a pin,
I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my
mother's kin.
Gammer. It was my nee'le, Diccon, icli wot ;
for here even by this post
Ich sat, what time as ich up start, andso my nee'le ich
lost:
Who Avas it, leve son 1 ^ speak, ich pray thee, and
quickly tell me that.
DiCCON. A subtle quean as any in tliis town,
your neighbour here, dame Chat.
Gammer. Dame Chat ! Diccon, let me be gone :
chill thither in post haste.
DiCCON. Take my counsel yet, ere ye go, for
fear ye walk in waste,
It is a murrain crafty drab, and froward to be
pleased.
And ye take not the better way, your - needle yet
ye lose :
1 Who was it, dear son ? So in the ballad-poem of " Adam
Bell," &c.—
"Ye myght have asked towres and towne,
Parkes and forestes plentie.
None so pleasaunt to my pay, she said ;
Nor none so left to me."
[— Hazlitt's Popular Poetry, ii. 160.]
- Our, first edition.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 209
For when she took it up, even here before your
doors :
What, soft, dame Chat (quoth I), that same is none
of yours.
Avaunt (quoth she), sir knave, what pratest thou
of that I find 1
I would thou hadst kiss'd me I wot where : (slie
meant I know behind)
And home she went as brag as it had been a
body-louse,^
And I after her, as bold as it had been the good-
man of the house :
But there, and ye had heard her, how she began to
scold,
The tongue it went on patins, by him that Judas
sold!
Each other word I was a knave, and you a whore
of whores.
Because I spake in your behalf, and said the nee'le
was yours.
Gammer. Gog's bread ! and thinks the callet ^
thus to keep my nee'le me fro ?
^ " As brisk as a body-louse was formerly proverbial."
See Ray's "Proverbs," 1742, p. 219.
^ ^'Callet, a lewd woman, a drab." [See Nares, edit.
1859, p. 128.] So in the "Supposes," by Geo. Gascoigne,
act v., sc. 6 : " Come hither, you old kallat, you tailing
huswife : that the deuill cut oute j*our tong."
Again, in Jonson's " Fox," act iv., sc. 3 —
"Why the callet
You told me of here I have ta'en disguis'd."
CalUtt is elsewhere used for stupid, inactive —
" Bid maudlin lay the cloth, take up the meat ;
Look how she stirres ; you sullen elfe, you callett,
Is this the haste you make ? "
— Englishmen for my Money, 1631. — O.G.
See other instances in Dr Grey's ' ' Notes on Shakspeare, "
vol. ii., p. 41.
VOL. III.
210 GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLE,
DiCCON. Let her alone, and slie minds none
other, but even to dress you so.
Gammer. By the mass, chill rather spend the
coat that is on my back.
Thinks the false quean by such a sleight/ that
chill my nee'le lack ?
BiccoN. Slip not your gear,^ I counsel you, but
of this take good heed.
Let not be known, I told you of it, how well
soever ye speed.
Gammer. Chill in, Diccon, and clean aporn to
take, and set before me ;
And ich may my nee'le once see, chill sure re-
member thee.
THE SECOND ACT.
the fifth scene.
Diccon. Here will the sport begin, if these two
once may meet,
Their cheer, durst lay money, will prove scarcely
sweet.
My gammer sure intends to be upon her bones
With staves oi* with clubs, or else with cobble
stones. 2
Dame Chat on the other side, if she be far behind,
I am right far deceived, she is given to it of kind.*
He that may tarry by it a Avhile, and that but short,
I warrant him trust to it, he shall see all the sport.
1 Slygh. — First edition.
2 Slepe not you gere. — First edition.
* Pebble-stones. A cobble in the north signifies a pebble
To cobble is to throw stones. See Kay. — S.
* By nature.— aS'.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 211
Into the town will I, my friends to visit there,
And hither straio;ht a2;ain to see the end of this
gear.
In the meantime, fellows, pipe up your fiddles : I
say, take them,^
And let your friends hear such mirth as ye can
make them.
THE THIRD ACT.
THE FIRST SCENE.
Hodge. Sim Glover, yet gramercy ! cham
meetly well-sped now,
Th 'art even as good a fellow as ever kiss'd a cow.
Here is a thong ^ indeed, by the mass, though ich
speak it,
Tom Tankard's great bald ciu'tal,* I think, could
not break it.
And when he spied my need to be so straight and
hard,
Hase lent me here his nawl to set the cib forward."*
^ This passage evidently shows that music playing between
the acts was introduced in the earliest of our dramatic
entertainments.
" [Altered by Dodsley. Old edition has thlnr/.]
^ Curtal is a small horse ; properly one who hath his
tail docked or curtailed. So, in Dekker's " Villanies dis-
covered by Lanthorne and Candlelight," &c., 1620, sig. H. :
"He could shewe more crafty foxes in this wild goose
chase, then there are white foxes in Russia; and more
strange horse-trickes plaide by such riders, then Bankes his
curtal did ever practise (whose gambals of the two were the
honester)."
4 A naval phrase. The gib is the gib-sail. To set a sail,
is also the technical term. — S.
212 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
As for my gammer's nee'le the flying fiend go wi'
Chill not now go to the door again with it to meet.
Chould make shift good enough, and chad a candle's
end :
The chief hole in my breech with these two chill
amend.
THE TRIED ACT.
the second scene.
Gammer, Hodge.
Gammer. How, Hodge ! may'st now be glad,
cha news to tell thee,
Ich know who hase my nee'le, ich trust soon shall
it see.
Hodge. The devil thou does ; hast heard, gam-
mer, indeed, or dost but jest ?
Gajmmer. Tis as true as steel, Hodge.
Hodge. Why, knowest well where didst lese it 1
Gammer. Ich know who found it, and took it
up : shalt see, ere it be long.
Hodge. God's mother dear, if that be true, fare-
well both nawl and thong !
But who hase it, gammer, say 1 one chould fain
hear it disclosed.
Gammer. That false vixen, that same dame Chat,
that counts herself so honest.
Hodge. Who told you so 1
Gammer. That same did Diccon the bedlam,
which saw it done.
Hodge. Diccon ! it is a vengeable knave, gam-
mer, 'tis a bonable ^ whoreson,
^ [Abominable.]
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 213
Can do mo things than that, els cham deceived evil :
By the mass, ich saw him of late call up a great black
devil.
0, the knave cried ho, ho / he roared and he thun-
dered,
And ye 'ad been here, cham sure you 'Id murrainly
ha' wondered.
Gammer. Was not thou afraid, Hodge, to see
him in this place ?
Hodge. No, and chad come to me, chould have
laid him on the face,
Chould have promised him.
Gammer. But, Hodge, had he no horns to push?
Hodge. As long as your two arms. Saw ye
never Friar Rush
Painted on a cloth with a side-long cow's tail,
And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail?
For all the world (if I should judge) chould reckon
him his brother :
Look, even what face Friar Rush ^ had, the devil
had such another.
Gammer. Now, Jesus mercy, Hodge, did Diccon
in him bring '?
Hodge. Nay, gammer (hear me speak), chill tell
you a greater thing.
The devil, when Diccon bad him (ich heard him
wondrous well)
Said plainly (here before us) that dame Chat had
your nee'le.
1 Friar Rush is mentioned in Reginald Scot's " Discoverie
of Witchcraft," 1584, p. 522: "Frier Rush was for all the
world such another fellow as this Hudyin, and brought up
even in the same schoole ; to wit, in a kitchen : insomuch
as the selfsame tale is written of the one as of the other
concerning the skullian, which is said to have been slaine, &c.
For the reading whereof I referre you to Frier Rush his
storie, or else to John Wierus ' De praestigiis demonum.' "
2t4 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Gammer. Then let us go, and ask her wherefore
she minds to keep it ;
►Seeing we know so much, 'twere madness now to
slip it.
Hodge. Go to her, gammer, see ye not where
she stands in her doors 1
Bid her give you the nee'le ; 'tis none of hers, but
yours.
THE THIED ACT.
the third scene.
Gammer, Chat, Hodge.
Gammer. Dame Chat, ch' ould pray thee fair,
let me have that is mine.
Chill not these twenty years take one fart that is
thine ;
Therefore give me mine own, and let me live beside
thee —
Chat. Why art thou crept from home hither to
mine own doors to chide me 1
Hence, doating drab, avaunt, or I shall set thee
further.
Intends thou and this knave me in my house to
murther 1
Gammer. Tush ! gape not so on^ me, woman :
shalt not yet eat me.
Nor all the friends thou hast in this shall not en-
treat me ;
Mine own goods I will have, and ask thee no-
by'r leave :
What, woman, poor folks must have right, though
the thing you aggrieve.
1 Old copy, no. 'Old copy, on.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 215
Chat. Give thee thy right, and hang thee up,
with all thy beggar's brood !
What, vnlt thou make me a thief, and say I stole
thy good 1
Gammer. Chill say nothing (ich warrant thee),
but that ich can prove it well,
Thou fet my good even from my door, cham able
this to tell.
Chat. Did I (old witch) steal ought was thine 1
how should that thing be known ?
Gammer. Ich cannot tell, but up thou tookest
it, as though it had been thine own.
Chat. Marry, fie on thee, thou old gib, with
all my very heart.
Gammer. Nay, fie on thee, thou ramp,^ thou
rig,2 with all that take thy part.
Chat. A vengeance on those lips that layeth
such things to my charge.
Gammer. A vengeance on those callet's hips,
whose conscience is so large.
Chat. Come out, hog.
Gammer. Come out, hog, and let have me right.
Chat. Thou arrant witch.
Gammer. Thou bawdy bitch, chill make thee
curse this night.
Chat. A basr and a wallet ! ^
^ Gabriel Harvey, in his " Pierces Supererogation,"
1593, speaking of Long Meg of Westminster, says : "Al-
though she were a lustj', bouncing rampe, somewhat like
Gallimetta or maid Marian, yet was she not such a roinish
rannel, such a dissolute flirt gillian," &c.
^ Tliou strumpet. See Note on " Antony and Cleopatra,"
Shakspeare, 1778, vol. viii., p. 175.-8.
So in Davies's " Scourge of Folly" [1611] —
"Or wanton Rigp, or letclier dissolute,
Do stand at Powles Crosse iu asheeten sute." — Reed.
' The accoutrements of an itinerant trull. — S.
216 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Gammer. A cart for a callet !
Chat. Why, weenest^ thou thus to prevail ?
I hold thee a groat,
I shall patch thy coat.
Gammer. Thou wert as good kiss my tail ;
Thou slut, thou cut,^ thou rakes, thou jakes, will
not shame make thee hide thee 1 ^
Chat. Thou skald, thou bald, thou rotten,^
thou glutton, I will no longer chide thee ;
But I will teach thee to keep home.
Gammer. Wilt thou, drunken beast?
[Theyfiglit.
Hodge. Stick to her, gammer, take her by the
head, chill warrant you this feast.
Smite, I say, gammer,
Bite, I say, gammer ;
1 Thinkest or imaginest.
^ Ctit appears to have been an opprobrious term used by
the vulgar when they scolded or abused each other. It
occurs again, act v., sc. 2 : " That lying cut is lost, that
she is not swinged and beaten."
A horse is sometimes called Cut in our ancient writers,
as in the "First Part of Henry IV.," act ii., sc. 1., and
Falstaff says : " If I tell thee a lye, spit in my face, and
call me ho7-se." Out is therefore probably used in the same
sense as hoi'se, to which it seems to have been synonymous.
Several instances of the use of this term are collected by
Mr Steevens, in his edition of Shakspeare; see vol. iv.,
p. 202.
It appears probable to me that the opprobrious epithet
Cut arose from the practice of cutting the hair of convicted
thieves ; which was anciently the custom in England, as
appears from the edicts of John de Northampton against
adulterers, who thought, with Paulo Migante, that
"England ne'er would thrive,
Till all the whores were burnt alive."
—See Holinshed, vol. 9., 754, Ed. 1807.— O. G.
^ [Thee is not in the old copy.]
* i.e., Rat. So in one of the Chester Whitsun plays —
" Here is a.rotten, there a mouse." — S.
GA3IMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 217
I trow ye will be keen ;
Wliere be your nails 1 claAv her by the jaAvs, pull
me out both her eyen.
Gog's bones, gammer, hold up your head.
Chat. I trow, drab, I shall dress thee.
Tarry, thou knave, I hold thee a groat, I shall
make these hands bless thee.
[GURTON.] Take thou this, old whore, for
amends, and learn thy tongue well to tame,
And say thou met at this bickering, not thy
fellow,^ but thy dame.
Hodge. "Where is the strong stewed whore 1 -
chill gi 'r a whore's mark.
Stand out one's way, that ich kill none in the dark.
Up, gammer, and ye be alive, chill fight ^ now for
us both ;
Come no near me, thou scald callet, to kill thee
ich were loth.
Chat. Art here again, thou hoddypeke % ^ what,
Doll, bring me out my sjDit.
HoDGK Chill broach thee with this, by
m' father's soul, chill conjure that foul
spreet.
^ Not thy equal, but thy mistress.
^ i.e.., Rank strumpet from the stews. — S.
3 Fifgh—Y\x%i edition.
* i.e., Hodmandod. — S.
I find this word used in Nash's " Anatomie of Absurdltic,"
1589, sig. B., where it seems intended as synonymous to
cuckold: 'But women, through want of wisedome, are
growne to such wantonesse, that uppon no occasion they
will crosse the streete, to have a glaunce of some gallant,
deeming that men by one looke of them shoulde be in love
with them, and will not stick to make an errant over
the way, to purchase a paramour to help at a pinehe, who,
under hur husbands, that hoddy peekes nose, must have all
the destining dew of his delicate rose, leaving him onely a
Bweet sent, good inough for such a sencelesse sotte."
218 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Let door stand, Cock, why com'st indeed 1 keep
door, thou wlioreson boy.
Chat [(o Boll.] Stand to it, thou dastard, for
thine ears ; ise teach the sluttish toy.
Hodge. Gog's wounds, whore, chill make thee
avaunt,
Take heed, Cock, pull in the latch.
Chat. I' faith, sir loose-hreech, had ye tarried,
ye should have found your match.
Gammer. Now 'ware thy throat, losel,^ thou'se
pay for all.
Hodge. Well said, gammer, by my soul.
Hoise her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, pull
her throat-hole.
Chat. Com'st behind me, thou withered witch ?
and I get once on foot,
Thou'se pay for all, thou old tar-leather, I '11 teach
thee what longs to 't.
Take thee this to make up thy mouth, till time
thou come by more.
Hodge. Up, gammer, stand on your feet, where
is the old whore 1
* A losel is a worthless fellow. It is a term of contempt
frequently used by Spenser. It is likewise to be met with
in the "Death of Robert, Earl of Huntington," 1601 :
"To have the lozels company."
Again, in " The Pinner of Wakefield," 1599 :
" Peace, prating lozel,'' &c.
See Mr Steevens's " Notes on Shakspeare," vol, iv., p. 337.
Again, in Hall's " Satires," edit. 1753, p. 78—
"How his enraged ghost would stamp and stare,
That Caesar's throne is turn'd to Peter chayre, "
To Bee an old shorne lozel perched high,
Crossing beneath a golden canopy."
SeeHolinshed's "Chron.,"edit. 1577,vol. ii.,p. 740 ("Five
Days' Pastime," p. 67) ; " Englishmen for my Money," p. 42 ;
Holinshed, vol. v., p. 208.— 0. G.
GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLE, 219
Faith, would chad her by the face, chould crack
her callet crown.
Gammer. Ah, Hodge, Hodge, where was thy
help, when th' vixen had me down !
Hodge. By the mass, Gammer, but for my staff,
Chat had gone nigh to spill you.
Ich think the harlot had not cared, and chad not
come, to kill you.
But shall Ave lose our nee'le thus ?
Gammer. No, Hodge, ich were loth to do so.
Thinkest thou chill take that at her hand? no,
Hodge, ich tell thee no.
Hodge. Chould yet this fray were well take up,
and our own nee'le at home,
'Twill be my chance else some to kill, wherever it
be or whom.
Gammer. We have a parson (Hodge, thou
knows), a man esteemed wise.
Mast Doctor Eat, chill for him send, and let me
hear his advice.
He will her shrive ^ for all this gear, and give her
penance straight.
Wese have our nee'le, else dame Chat comes ne'er
within heaven -gate.
Hodge. Yea marry, gammer, that ich think
best : will you now for him send 1
The sooner Doctor Eat be here, the sooner wese
ha' an end.
And here, gammer, Diccon's devil (as ich remem-
ber well)
Of Cat and Chat, and Doctor Eat, a felonious tale
did tell,
Chold you forty pound, that is the way your nee'le
to get again.
^ Confess.
220 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Gammer. Chill ha' him straight ; call out the
boy, wese make him take the pain.
Hodge. What, Cock, I say, come out ; what
devil, can'st not hear t
CoCK.^ How now, Hodge, how does gammer ?
is yet the weather clear t
What would chave me to do 1
Gammer. Come hither. Cock, anon.
Hence swith to Doctor Eat hie thee, that thou
were gone.
And pray him come speak with me, cham not well
at ease :
Shalt have him at his chamber, or else at Mother
Bee's,
Else seek him at Hob Filcher's shop ; for, as cheard
it reported.
There is the best ale in all the town, and now is
most resorted.
Cock. And shall ich bring him with me, gam-
mer ?
Gammer, Yea, by and by, good Cock.
Cock. 2 Shalt see that shall be here anon, else
let me have on the dock.
Hodge. Now, gammer, shall we two go in, and
tarry for his coming ?
What devil, woman, pluck up your heart, and
leave off all this glooming.^
Though she were stronger at the first, as ich think
ye did find her.
Yet there ye dress'd the drunken sow, what time
ye came behind her.*
1 Gammer in the first edition.
^ Hodge in the first edition.
^ i.e., Sulky, gloomy looks. It is still said, in vulgar
language, that a discontented person looks glum. — S.
* This line is given to Gammer Gurton in the first edition.
i
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 221
Gammer. Nay, nay, cham sure she lost not all,
for set them to the beginning,
And ich doubt not, but he will make small boast
of her winning.
THE THIRD ACT.
the fourth scene.
Tib, Hodge, Gammer, Cock.
Tib. See, gammer, gammer, Gib our cat, cham
afraid what she aileth,
She stands me gasping behind the door, as though
her wind her faileth.
Now mot ^ ich doubt what Gib should mean, that
now she doth so doat.-
HoDGE. Hold hither, ich hold twenty pound,
your nee'le is in her throat.
Grope her, ich say, methinks ich feel it ; does not
prick your hand 1
Gammer. Ich can feel nothing.
Hodge. No ! ich know that 's not within this
land
A murrainer cat than Gib is, betmxt the Thames
and Tyne,
Sh'ase as much wit in her head almost as ch'ave in
mine.
Tib. Faith, sh'ase eaten something, that will
not easily down.
Whether she gat it at home, or abroad in the
town,
Ich cannot tell.
^ Old copy, let.
2 That is, appear so mad. To doat and to he mad were
used as synonymous terms. See Baret's "Alvearie," v. Dote.
222 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Gammer, Alas ! ich fear it be some crooked
pin,
And then farewell Gib, she is undone and lost, all
save the skin.
Hodge. 'Tis ^ your nee'le, -woman, I say ; Gog's
soul, give me a knife,
And chill have it out of her maw, or else chall
lose my life.
Gammer. AVhat ! nay, Hodge, fie, kill not our
cat, 'tis all the cats we ha' now.
Hodge. By the mass, dame Chat base me so
moved, ich care not what I kill, ma' God a vow.
Go to then, Tib, to this gear, hold up her tail and
take her.
Chill see what devil is in her guts, chill take the
pains to rake her.
Gammer. Rake a cat, Hodge ! what wouldest
thou do 1
Hodge. What, think'st that cham not able ?
Did not Tom Tankard rake his curtal t'o'er day
standing in the stable 1
Gammer. Soft, be content, let 's hear Avhat news
Cock bringeth from Master Rat.
Cock. Gammer, chave been there as you bad,
you wot well about what.
'Twill not be long before he come, ich durst swear
off a book,
He bid you see ye be at home, and there for him
to look.
Gammer. Where didst thou find him, boy 1 was
he not where I told thee 1
Cock. Yes, yes, even at Hob Filcher's house, by
him tliat bought and sold me :
A cup of ale had in his hand, and a crab lay in the
fire :
^ Old copy has Tyb.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 223
Chad much a-do to go and come, all was so full of
mire :
And, gammer, one thing I can tell ; Hob Filcher's
naAvl was lost,
And Doctor Eat found it again, haixl beside the
door-post.
Ich hold a penny can say something, your nee'le
again to fet.^
Gammer. Cham glad to heai* so much, Cock,
then trust he will not let
To help us herein best he can ; therefore, till time
he come,
Let us go in, if there be ought to get, thou shalt
have some.
THE FOUETH ACT.
the first scene.
Doctor Eat, Gammer Gurton.
Doctor Eat. A man were better twenty times
be a bandog and bark.
Than here among such a sort be parish priest or
clerk.
^ Fetched. So, in "Cynthia's Revels," act i., so. 2:
" Nay, the other is better, exceeds it much : the invention
is farther ftt too. "
Again, in Ascham's " Toxophilus,'" p. 15 : "And therefore
agaynst a desperate evill becan to seeke for a desperate
remedie, which was/ei from Rome, a shop ahvayes open to
any mischief, as you shall perceive in these few leaves, if
you marke them well."
Again, in Lyly's " Euphues," p. 33 : " That far ftt and
deere bought, is good for ladies."
224 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Where he shall never be at rest one pissing while ^
a day,
But he must trudge about the town this way, and
[then] that way.
Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear
and rent.
And that which is worst of all, at every knave's
commandment.
I had not sit the space to drink two pots of ale,
But Gammer Gurton's sorry boy was straightway
at my tail ;
And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wot
not what :
If once her finger's-end but ache : trudge, call for
Doctor Rat.
And when I come not at their call, I only thereby
lose.
For I am sure to lack therefore a tithe-pig or a
goose.
I warrant you, when truth is known, and told they
have their tale,
The matter whereabout I come is not worth a half-
pennyworth of ale :
Yet must I talk so sage and smooth, as though I
were a gloser
But ere the year come at an end, I shall be sure
the loser.
What work ye, Gammer Gurton 1 know here is your
friend Doctor Rat.
Gammer. Ah ! good master Doctor, 'ch a
troubled, 'ch a troubled you, 'ch wot well that.
^ A proverbial expression used by Ben Jonson in his
"Magnetic Lady," and by Shakspeare in "The Two Gentle-
men of Verona." See Mr Steevens's Note on the latter, and
[Hazlitt's " Proverbs," 1869, p. 127.] It is also to be found
in Nash's " Lenten StuflF, " 1599.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 225
Doctor Rat. How do ye, womau 1 be ye lusty,
or be ye not well at ease ?
Gammer, By Gis, ^ master, cliam not sick, but
yet chave a disease.
Chad a foul turn now of late, chill tell it you by
gigs.
Doctor Rat. Hath your brown cow cast her
calf, or your sandy sow her pigs 1
Gammer.' No, but chad Iseen as good they had,
as this, ich wot well.
^ In Shakspeare's " Hamlet," Ophelia sings a song, iu
which this adjuration is used —
"By gysuni by Saint Charity."
And it is also to be found in Gascoigne's Poems, in Preston's
" Cambyses," and in the comedy of " See me and see me
not," 1618—
" By gisse I swear, were I so fairly wed," &c.
Mr Steevens's note on "Hamlet," in whicli Mr Steevens
observes, that Saint Charity is a known saint among the
Eoman Catholics. Spenser mentions her ("Eclog," v.,
255) :—
"Ah dear Lord and sweet Saint Charily !"
Again, in " The Downfall of Robert, Earl of Huntington,"
1601—
" Therefore, sweet master, for Saint Charity."
— Note on Hamlet, activ., sc. 5.
[Dr Bailey supposes, which is very probable, that this
abbreviated or corrupt form of Jesus arose from] the letters
IKS being anciently all that was set down to denote that
sacred name on altars, the covers of books, &c.
It occurs also in the following passage of Erasmus's
" Praise of Folic," by Chaloner, 1549 : — " Lyke as many
great lordes there be who set so muche by theim, as scant
they can eate theyr meate, or byde a minute without theim,
cherisshyng them (by iysse) a little better than thei are
wont to dooe these frounyng philosophers," &c. Sig. G 2.
Again, in " Euphues and his England," 15S2, p. 5: —
" Unto whome he replyed, shoaring up his eyes, ' by Jis,'
soune, 1 accompt the cheere good which mainteineth health,
and the servauntes honest whome I finde faythfull."
VOL. III. P
226 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Doctor Rat. Wliat is the matter 1
Gajvimer. Alas, alas, 'ch a lost my good nee'le.
My nee'le, I say, and wot ye what 1 a drab came
hy, and spied it.
And Avhen I asked her for the same, the filth flatly
denied it.
Doctor Rat. What was she that — •
Gammer. A dame, ich warrant you : she began
to scold and brawl ;
Alas, alas, come hither, Hodge ; tliis wretch can tell
you all.
THE FOURTH ACT. !
the second scene.
Hodge, Doctor Rat, Gammer, Diccon, Chat, |
Hodge. Good morrow, Gaffer Vicar.
Doctor Rat. Come on, fellow, let us hear.
Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all
this gear 1
Let 's see what thou canst say.
Hodge. By m' fay, sir, that ye shall,
"What matter soever here was done, ich can tell
your maship :
My Gammer Gurton here, see now,
Sat her down at this door, see now,
And as she began to stir her, see now,
Her nee'le fell in the floor, see now,
And while her staff she took, see now,
At Gib her cat to fling, see now.
Her nee'le was lost in the floor, see now ;
Is not this a wondrous thing, see now ?
Then came the quean dame Chat, see now,
GAMMER GtJRTON S NEEDLE. 227
To ask for her black cup, see now :
And even here at this gate, see now,
She took that nee'le up, see now,
My gammer then she yede,^ see noAV,
Her nee'le again to bring, see now.
And Avas caught by the head, see now ;
Is not this a wondi'ous thing, see noAV 1
She tare my gammer's coat, see now.
And scratched her by the face, see now,
Chad thought sli'ad stopp'd her throat, see now ;
Is not this a wondrous case, see now ?
AVlien ich saw this, ich was wroth, see now,
And stert between them twain, see now.
Else ich durst take a book-oath, see now,
My gammer had been slain, see now.
Gajimer. This is even the whole matter, as
Hodge has plainly told.
And chould fain be quiet for my part, that chould.
But help us, good master, beseech ye that ye do,
Else shall we both be beaten, and lose our nee'le
too.
Doctor Eat. "Wliat would ye have me to do 1
tell me, that I wei'e gone,
I Avill do the best that I can to set you both at one.
But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your nee'le
found ?
Gammer. Here comes the man, that see her
take it up off the ground.
Ask him yourself, ^Master Eat, if ye believe not me,
And help me to my nee'le, for God's sake and
Saint Charity. 2
1 i.e., she toent.
" For all i-yede out at one ere,
That in that other she did lere."
— Romamit of the Hose.
The word is also used by Spenser and Fairfax.
'^ [See a note stqira.]
228 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Doctor Eat. Come near, Diccon, and let us
hear what thou can express.
Wilt thou be sworn, thou seest dame Chat this
woman's nee'le have 1
Diccon. Nay, by Saint Benet, will I not, then
might ye think me rave.^
Gammer. Why did'st not thou tell me so even
here 1 canst thou for shame deny it 1
Diccon. Ay, marry, gammer : but I said I
would not abide by it.
Doctor Rat. Will you say a thing, and not
stick to it to try it ?
Diccon. Stick to it, quoth you, Master Rat 1
marry, sir, I defy it.-
Nay, there is many an honest man, when he such
blasts hath blown
In his friend's ears, he would be loth the same by
him were known :
If such a toy be used oft among the honesty,^
It may [not] beseem a simple man of your and my
degree.
Doctor Rat, Then we be never the nearer, for
all that you can tell.
Diccon. Yes, marry, sir, if ye will do by mine
advice and counsel :
If mother Chat see all us here, she [11] know how
the matter goes,
Therefore I reed you three go hence, and within
keep close ;
And I will into dame Chat's house, and so the
matter use,
That ere ye could go twice to church, I warrant
you hear news.
^ Baret, in his "Alvearie," explains rare, "to talke like
a madde bodie."
- I refuse, deny the charge.
3 [Among the honest sort ?]
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 229
She shall look well ahout her, but I durst lay a
pledge,
Ye shaU of gammer's iiee'le have shortly Letter
knowledge.
Gam^ier. Now, gentle Diccon, do so ; and, good
sir, let us trudge.
Doctor Rat. Ey the mass, I may not tarry so
long to be your judge.
Diccon. ' Tis but a little while, man : what, take
so much pain ;
If I hear no news of it, I aWII come soon here ^
again.
Hodge. Tarry so much, good Master Doctor, of
your gentleness.
Doctor Eat. Then let us hie inward, and, Dic-
con, speed thy business.
Diccox. Xow, sirs, do you no more, but keep
my counsel just,
And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust ;
But mother Chat, my gossip, talk first withal I
must.
For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the
dust. [Aside. Exit.
Good even,2 dame Chat, in faith, and well-met in
this place.
Chat, Good even, my friend Diccon, Avhither
walk ye this pace ?
Diccon. By my truth, even to you, to learn how
the world goeth.
Heard ye no more of the other matter, say me
now, by your troth 1
Chat. yes, Diccon : hear the old whore and
Hodere that great knave.
^ [Original, sooner.']
2 [This should form the commencement of a new scene,
but it is not so marked.]
230 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
But, in faith, I Avould tliou hadst seen : Lord, I
drest them brave.
She bare me two or three souses behind in the
nape of the neck,
Till I made her old weasand to ansAver again keck.
And Hodge, that dirty bastard, that at her elbow
stands.
If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of
hands.
He had had his beard shaven, if my nails would
have served.
And not without a cause, for the knave it well
deserved.
DiccON. By the mass, I can^ thee thank, wench,
thou didst so well acquit thee.
Chat. And th' adst seen him, Diccon, it would
have made thee beshit thee
For laughter : the whoreson dolt at last caught up
a club.
As though he would have slain the master-devil,
Belsabub ;
But I set him soon inward.
Diccon. Lord ! there is the thing,
That Hodge is so offended, that makes him start
and fling.
Chat. Why, makes the knave any noiling,'^ as
ye have seen or heard 1
Diccon. Even now I saw him last, like a mad
man he far'd,
And sware by heaven and hell, he would a-wreak
his sorroAV,
And leave you never a hen alive by eight of the
clock to-morrow :
1 So the edition of 1575. See note, supra.
2 [Ado. See Nares, edit. 1859, p. 576.]
GA]MMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 231
Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that
ye trust,
Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on
the roost.
Chat. The knave dare as well go hang himself,
as go upon my ground.
DiccoN. Well, yet take heed, I say, I must tell
you my tale round :
Have you not about your house, behind your fur-
nace or lead,
A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for
need?
Chat. Yes, by the mass, a hole broke down
even Avithin these two days.
DiCCON. Hodge, he intends this same night to
slip in thereaways.
Chat. Christ, that I were sure of it ! in faith,
he should have his meed.^
DiccoN. Watch well, for the knave will be
there as sure as is your creed ;
I would spend myself a sliilling to have him
swinged well.
Chat. I am as glad as a woman can be of this
thing to hear tell ;
By Gog's bones, when he cometh, now that I know
the matter.
He shall sure at the first skip to leap in scalding
water :
With a worse turn besides : when he mil, let him
come.
DiCCON. I tell you as my sister ; you know
what meaneth mum.
Now lack I but my doctor to play his part
again. [A side.
^ Keward. It is a word used by Spenser, Shakspeare,
and the chief of our ancient writers.
232 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
And lo, where he cometh towcards, peradventure
to his pain. [Leaves Mother Chat.
Doctor Eat. What good news, Diccon 1 fellow,
is mother Chat at home 1
Diccon. She is, sir, and she is not ; but it please
her to whom :
Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was.
Doctor Rat. The tiling that thou went'st for,
hast thou brought it to pass ?
Diccon. I have done that I have done, be it
worse, be it better.
And dame Chat at her wits-end I have almost set her.
Doctor Eat. Why, hast thou spied the nee'le :
quickly, I pray thee tell 1
Diccon. I have spied it in faith, sir, I handled
myself so well ;
And yet the crafty quean had almost take my trump ;
But, ere all came to an end, I set her in a dump.
Doctor Eat. How so, I pray thee, Diccon 1
Diccon. Marry, sir, will ye hear ?
She was clapp'd do\\Ti on the backside,^ by Cock's ^
mother dear.
And there she sat sewing a halter or a band.
With no other thing but gammer's needle in her
hand :
As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt, '
She needs but once puff, and her candle is out :
Xow I, sir, knowing of every door the pin.
Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was
"within.
And there I saw the nee'le, even with these two ej^es.
Whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies.
Doctor Eat. Diccon, that I was not there
then in thy stead !
^ At the back of her house.
2 God's, not the boy Cock's.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 233
DiCCON. Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by
my reed,
I will bring you to a place, as the house stands,
Where ye shall take the drab with the nee'le in
her hands.
Doctor Rat. For God's sake, do so, Diccon,
and I will gage my gown,
To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town.
Diccon. Follow me but a little, and mark Avhat
I say,
Lay down your goAvni beside you, go to, come on
your way :
See ye not what is here 1 a hole Avherein ye may
creep
Into the house, and suddenly unawares among
them leap ;
There shall ye find the bitch-fox and the nee'le to-
gether.
Do as I bid you, man, come on your ways hither.
Doctor Rat. Ai*t thou sure, Diccon, the swill-
tub stands not hereabout ?
Diccon. I was within myself, man, even now,
there is no doubt.
Go softly, make no noise, give me your foot, sir
John,
Here will I wait upon you, till you come out
anon. [i>. Jiat creeps in.
Doctor Rat [calling froviioithi){\. Help, Diccon,
out alas, I shall be slain among them.
Diccon. If they give you not the needle, tell
them that ye will hang them.
Ware that ! how, my wenches, have ye caught the
fox.
That used to make revel among your hens and
cocks ?
Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain
some pain.
234 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Gog's bread, I am afraid they will beat out liis
brain.
Doctor Eat. Woe worth the hour that I came
here ;
And woe worth him that wrought this gear,
A sort of drabs and queans have me blest.
Was ever creature half so evil drest 1
Whoever it wrought, and first did invent it,
He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it.
I will spend all I have without my skin.
But he shall be brought to the plight I am in ;
Master Baily, I trow, and he be worth his ears,
Will snaffle these murderers, and all that [witli]
them bears :
I will surely neither bite nor sup,
Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up.
THE FIFTH ACT.
the first scene,
Master Baily, Doctor Rat.
Baily. I can perceive none other, I speak it
from my heart.
But either ye are all in the fault, or else in the
greatest part.
Doctor Rat. If it be counted his fault, besides
all his griefs,
When a poor man is spoiled, and beaten among
thieves.
Then I confess my fault herein at this season ;
But I hope you will not judge so much against
reason.
Baily. And methinks by your own tale, of alL
that ye name,
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 235
If any played the thief, you were the very same :
The women they did nothing, as your words made
probation,
But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion.
If that a thief at your window to enter should
begin.
Would you hold forth your hand, and help to pull
him in 1
Or would ^ you keep him out ? I pray you answer
me.
Doctor Eat. Marry, keep him out : and a good
cause why.
But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned clerk.
Baily. Yea, but who knoweth that, Avhen he
meets you in the dark 1
I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose.
Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose,
And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse 1
Me-think you may be glad that your - luck was no
worse.
Doctor Rat. Is not this e^al enough, I pray
you, as you think 1 [Shoiving his broken head.
Baily. Yea, but a man in the dark oft ^ chances
to wink.
As soon he smites his father as any other man,
Because, for lack of hght, discern him he ne can.
Might it not have been your luck with a spit to
have been slain 1
Doctor Eat. I think I am little better, my
scalp is cloven to the brain :
If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the
knocks.^
Baily. By my troth, and well worthy besides
to kiss the stocks.
^ Orig. you would. ^ Orig. you.
' [Grig, o/.] * Orig. kockes.
236 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
To come in on the back side, when ye might go
about,
I knoAv none such, unless they long to have their
brains knock'd out.
Doctor Rat. Well, will you be so good, sir, as
talk -with dame Chat,
And know what she intended, I ask no more but
that.
Baily. Let her be called, fellow, because of
master doctor,
I warrant in this case, she will be her own proctor :
She will tell her own tale, in metre or in prose.
And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe
your nose.
THE FIFTH ACT.
THE SECOND SCENK
M. Baily, Chat, D, Eat, Gammer, Hodge,
DiCCON.
Baily. Dame Chat, master doctor upon you
here complaineth.
That you and your maids should him much
disorder.
And taketh many an oath that no word be feigned.
Laying to your charge, how you thought him to
murder :
And on his part again, that same man say'tli
furder.
He never offended you in word nor intent ;
To hear you answer hereto, we have now for you
sent.
Chat. That I would have murdered him ! fie
on him, wretch !
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 237
And evil mouglit he the for it, our Lord I beseech.
I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts,
He feigneth this tale out of his own guts.
For tliis seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat
not down ;
[To D. Rat.^ Nay, ye have other minions in the
other end of the town.
Where ye were liker to catch such a blow
Than anywhere else, as far as I know.
Baily. BeUke then, master doctor, your ^ stripe
there ye got not.
Doctor Rat. Think you I am so mad, that
where I was bet, I wot not ? -
Will ye believe this quean, before she hath
tried it 1
It is not the first deed she liath done, and after-
ward denied it.
Chat. What, man, will you say I broke your
head %
Doctor Rat. How canst thou prove the
contrary ?
Chat. Nay, how provest thou that I did the
deed.
Doctor Rat. Too plainly, by St Mary.
This proof, I troAv, may serve, though I no word
spoke. [Shoiving his hroketi head.
Chat. Because thy head is broken, was it I that
broke ?
I saw thee. Rat, I tell thee, not once within this
fortnight.
Doctor Rat. No, marry, thou sawest me not ;
for why thou hadst no light ;
1 Original, you.
^ [Beaten. Here was a note of half a page to explain
and illustrate the meaning of the very common word
wot /]
238 GAMMER GURTON's NEEDLE.
But I felt tliee for all the dark, beslirew thy
smooth cheeks !
And thou groped me, this will declare any day
this six weeks. [Slioivinrj his head.
Baily. Answer me to this. Master Kat, when
caught you this harm of yours 1
Doctor Rat. A while ago, sir, God he know-
eth ; within less than these two hours.
Baily. Dame Chat, was there none with you
(confess, i' faith) about that season ?
What, woman, let it be what it will, 'tis neither
felony nor treason.
Chat. Yes, by my faith. Master Baily, there was
a knave not far.
Who caught one good filip on the brow with a
door-bar.
And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me :
But what is that to this man, since this was not he 1
Baily. Who was it, then ? let 's hear.
Doctor Rat. Alas, sir, ask you that ?
Is it not made plain enough by the own mouth of
dame Chat 1
The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue
cannot lie ;
Only upon a bare nay, she saith it was not I.
Chat. No, marry, was it not indeed, ye shall
hear by this one thing.
This afternoon a friend of mine for good-will gave
me warning.
And bad me well look to my roost and all my
capons' i^ens ;
For if I took not better heed, a knave would have
my hens.
Then 1, to save my goods, took so much pains as
him to watch ;
And as good fortune served me, it was my chance
him for to catch.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 239
AVhat strokes he bare away, or other what was his
gains,
I wot not, but I am sure he had something for his
pains.
Baily. Yet tell'st thou not who it Avas.
Chat. Who it was 1 A false thief.
That came hke a false fox, my pullen ^ to kill and
mischief
Baily. But kuowest thou not his name ?
Chat. I know it, but what then 1
It was that crafty cullion ^ Hodge, my Gammer
Gurton's man.
Baily. Call me the knave hither, he shall sure
kiss the stocks.
I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks.
Doctor Rat. I marvel. Master Baily, so bleared
be your eyes !
1 Poultry. So in Fitzlierbert's "Boke of Husbandry" :
" Gyve thy jioleyn — meate in tlie morning," &c. Again, in
" Your five Gallants," by Middleton : " And to see how piti-
fully the 2^uUen will looke, it makes me after relent, and
turne my anger into a quick fire to roast them."
'■^ A base, contemptible fellow. So, in " Tom Tyler and
bis Wife," 1661, p. 19—
" It is an old saying, praise at the parting,
I think I have made tlie cullion to wring.
I was not beaten so black and blew,
But I am sure he has as many new."
In " Wily Beguiled : " " But to say the truth, she had little
reason to take a cullion lug loaf, milksop slave, when she
may have a lawyer, a gentleman that stands upon his repu-
tation in the country;" in Massinger's "Guardian," act.
ii., sc. 4 —
" Love live Severino,
And perish all such cullions as repine
At his new monarchy."
And Robadil, in Ben Jonson'sr " Every Man to his Hum-
our," act. iii., sc. 5, when beating Cob, exclaims:
" You base cullion, you."
240 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
An egg is not so full of meat, as she is full of
lies :
When she hath played this prank, to excuse all
this gear,
She layetli the fault on such a one as I know was
not there.
Chat. Was he not there 1 look on his pate ; that
shall be his witness.
Doctor Eat. I would my head were half so
whole, I would seek no redress.
Baily. God bless you. Gammer Gurton,
Gammer. God 'eild ^ ye, master mine.
Baily. Thou hast a knave within thy house,
Hodge, a servant of thine.
They tell me that busy knave is such a filcliing
one.
That hen, pig, goose, or capon, thy neighbour can
have none.
Gammer. By God, cham much a-meved to hear
any such report :
Hodge was not wont, ich trow, to have liim in that
sort.
Chat. A thievisher knave is not on-live, more
filching nor more false ;
Many a truer man than he has hanged up by the
halse.^
And thou his dame of all liis theft thou art the sole
receiver ;
For Hodge to catch, and thou to keep, I never new
none better.
^ [Original, Dylde ; the compositor having repeated the
d of God at the beginning of the following word. This is
not an uncommon misprint.]
- Hals, in the Glossary to Douglas's jFneid, is thus ex-
plained: "The hawse, the throat, or neck. A-S. and Isl.
Hals, collum, thence, to hats or hawse, to embrace, collo dare
hrachia ci7-cum."
GASIMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 241
Gammer. Sir reverence of your masterdom, and
you were out a-door,
Chould be so bold, for all her brags, to call her
arrant whore.
And ich knew Hodge as bad as t' ou, ich wish me
endless sorrow,
And chould not take the pains to hang him up
before to-morrow.
Chat. What have I stolen from thee or thine,
thou ill-favor'd old trot "?
Gammer. A great deal more (by God's blest)
than chever by thee got,
That thou knowest well, I need not say it.
Baily. Stop there, I say,
And tell me here, I pray you, tliis matter by the
way :
How chance Hodge is not here 1 him would I fain
have had.
Gammer. Alas, sir, he '11 be here anon ; a' be
handled too bad.
Chat. Master Baily, sir, ye be not such a fool,
well I know.
But ye perceive by this lingering there is a pad in
the straw.
[^Thinking that Hodge his head tvas hroke^ and that
Gammer would not let him come before them.
Ga]VIMER. Chill show you his face, ich warrant
thee lo, now where he is !
Baily. Come on, fellow ; it is told me thou art
a shrew, ^ i-wis ;
Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the
two-legged fox ;
1 The word shrew at present is wholly confined to the
female sex. It here appears to have been equally applied
to the male, and signifies naught or uiclcal. See Baret's
"Alvearie," v. Shrewd.
VOL. in. Q
242 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Their chickens and their capons too, and now and
then their cocks.
Hodge. Ich defy them all that dare it say; cham
as true as the best.
Baily. Wert not thou take within this hour in
dame Chat's hens'-nest 1
Hodge. Take there ! no, master, chould not do't
for a house full of gold.
Chat. Thou, or the devil in thy coat ; swear
this I dare be bold.
Doctor Rat. Swear me no swearing, quean ;
the devil he give thee sorrow :
All is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to-
morrow.
Where is the harm he hath ? show it, by God's
bread,
Ye beat him with a witness, but the stripes light
on my head.
Hodge. Beat me ! Gog's blessed body, chould
first, ich trow, have burst thee :
Ich think, and chad my hands loose, callet, chould
have crust ^ thee.
Chat. Thou shitten knave, I trow, thou knowest
the full weight of my fist.
I am foully deceived, unless thy head and my
door-bar kissed.
Hodge. Hold thy chat, whore ; thou criest so
loud, can no man else be heard ?
Chat. Well, knave, and I had thee alone, I
Avould surely rap thy costard. ^
1 [Crushed.]
2 The head. So, in " Hiekscorner " —
" I will rap you on the costard with my horn."
— Mr Steeveus's Note on Love's Labour's Lost, act iii., sc. 1.
Again, in Ben Jonson's " Tale of a Tub," act ii., sc. 2 —
"Do you mutter ! sir, snorle this way,
That I may hear and answer what you say,
With my school dagger 'bout your cos'ard, sir.''
GAMMER GTJRTON'S NEEDLE. 243
Baily. Sir, cinswer me to this, Is tliy head whole
or broken 1
Chat. Yea, Master Baily, blest be every good
token.
Hodge. Is my head whole ? ich Avarrant you,
'tis neither scurvy nor scald :
What, you foul beast, does think 'tis either pild
or bald ? i
Nay, ich thank God, chill not for all that thou
may'st spend.
That chad one scab on my narse as broad as
thy finger's end.
Baily. Come nearer here.
Hodge. Yes, that ich dare.
Baily. By our lady, here is no harm :
Hodge's head is whole enough, for all dame Chat's
charm.
Chat. By Gog's blest,^ however the thing he
cloaks or smolders,
I know the blows he bare away either with head
or shoulders.
Camest thou not, loiave, ^dthin this hour, creeping
into my pens.
And there Avas caught within my house, groping
among my hens 1
Hodge. A plague both on thy hens and thee !
a cart, whore, a cart !
Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, and ich
were as false as thou art.
Give my gammer again her washical ^ thou stole
away in thy lap.
Gammer. Yea, Master Baily, there is a thing
you know not on, mayhap :
^ See Note on " King Henry VI.," Part L Shakspeare,
1778, vol. vi., p. 192.-5^.
2 Bliss. * A corruption of what do you call it. — S.
244 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
This drab she keeps away my good (the devil he
might her snare) :
Ich pray you, that ich might have a right action
on her.
Chat. Have I thy good, old filth, or any such
old sow's 1
I am as true, I would thou knew, as [the] skin
between thy brows. ^
Gammer. Many a truer hath been hanged,
though you escape the danger.
Chat. Thou shalt answer (by God's pity) for
this thy foul slander.
Baily. Why, what can you charge her withal 1
to say so ye do not well.
Gammer. Marry, a vengeance to her heart, the
whore has stol'n my nee'le.
Chat. Thy needle, old witch ! how so 1 it were
alms thy soul to knock ;
So didst thou say the other day, that I had stol'n
thy cock.
And roasted him to my breakfast, which shall not
be forgotten :
The devil pull out thy lying tongue, and teeth
that be so rotten.
Gammer. Give me my nee'le ; as for my cock,
chould be very loth,
That chould here tell he should hang on thy false
faith and troth.
Baily. Your talk is such, I can scarce learn
who should be most in fault.
Gammer, Yet shall ye find no other wight,
save she, by bread and salt.
Baily. Keep ye content a while, see that your
tongues ye hold ;
1 A proverbial phrase, used also by Dogberry in " Much
ado about Nothing." Shakspcare, 1778, vol. ii., p. 326. — S.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 245
Methinks you should remember, tliis is no place
to scold.
How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, dame Chat
thy ueedle had 1
G-\3iMER. To name you, sir, the party, chould
not be very glad.
Baily. Yea, but Ave must needs hear it, and
therefore say it boldly.
Gammer. Such one as told the tale full soberly
and coldly,
Even he that looked on, will swear on a book,
What time this drunken gossip my fair long nee'le
up took :
Diccon (Master) the bedlam, cham very sure ye
know him.
Baily. A false knave, by God's i^ity ! ye were
but a fool to trow him.
I durst aventure well the price of my best cap,
That when the end is known, all will turn to a jape. ^
Told he not you that besides she stole your cock
that tide ?
1 Jape is generally used in an obscene sense, as in the
Prologue to " Grim the Collier of Croydon," and in Skel-
ton's Song in Sir John Hawkins's " History of Music,"
vol. iii., p. 6. It here signifies a jest or joke. So in the
Prologue to Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales," 1. 705 —
" Upon a day he gat him more moneie
Than that the persoue gat in monthes tweie.
And thus with fained flattering and japes,
He made the persone and the peple his apes."
And in " Batman upon Bartholome," 1535, as quoted by
Sir John Hawkins, in his "History of Music," vol. ii.,
p. 125 : "They kepe no counseyll, but they telle all that
they here : sodeinly they laugh, and sodenly they wepe :
alwaye they crye, jangle, and jape, uneth they ben stylle
whyle they slepe."
" Nay, iape not with liym, he is no smal fole.
It is a solemnpne syre and solavne."
— Skelton's Works, [1843, vol. i., p. 17. |
24G GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Gammer. No, master, no indeed, for then lie
should have lied ;
My cock is, I thank Christ, safe and well a-fine.
Chat. Yea, but that rugged colt, that whore,
that Tib of thine.
Said plainly thy cock was stol'n, and in my house
was eaten ;
That lying cut is lost, that she is not swinged and
beaten.
And yet for all my good name it were a small
amends ;
I pick not this gear (hear'st thou) out of my
fingers' ends.
But he that heard it told me, who thou of late
didst name :
Diccon, whom all men knows, it was the very same.
Baily, This is the case ; you lost your nee'le
about the doors ;
And she answers again, she base no cock of yours ;
Thus in your talk and action, from that you do
intend,
She is Avhole five mile wide from that she doth
defend.
Will you say she hath your cock 1
Gammer, No, marry, sir, that chill not.
Baily. Will you 'confess her nee'le 1
Chat. Will I ? no, sir, will I not.
Baily. Then there lieth all the matter.
Gammer. Soft, master, by the way.
Ye know she could do little, and she could not say
nay.
Baily. Yea, but he that made one lie about
your cock-stealing,
Will not stick to make another, what time lies be
in dealing.
I ween the end will prove this brawl did first arise
Upon no other ground but only Diccon's lies.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 247
Chat. Tliough some be lies, as you belike have
espied them :
Yet other some be true, by proof I have well tried
them.
Baily. What other thing beside tliis. dame
Chat ?
Chat. Marry, sir, even this,
The tale I told before, the self-same tale it was
his;
He gave me, like a friend, warning against my
loss,
Else had my hens be stol'n each one, by God's cross.
He told me Hodge would come, and in he came
indeed ;
But as the matter chanced, with greater haste than
speed.
This truth was said, and true Avas found, as truly
I report.
Baily. If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was
of another sort.
Doctor Rat. By God's mother, thou and he be
a couple of subtle foxes ;
Between you and Hodge I bear away the boxes.
Did not Diccon appoint the place, where thou
should'st stand to meet him 1
Chat. Yes, by the mass ; and, if he came, bad
me not stick to spite him.
Doctor Rat. God's sacrament ! the villain
knave hath dress'd us round about ;
He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty shitten
lout.
When Gammer Gurton here complained, and made
a rueful moan,
I heard him swear that you had gotten her needle
that was gone.
And this to try, he further said, he was full loth :
howbeit
248 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
He was content with small ado to bring me where
to see it.
And where he sat, he said, full certain, if I would
follow his reed,
Into your house a privy way he would me guide
and lead.
And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about
a clout.
And set me in the back-hole, thereby to find you out :
And whiles I sought a quietness, creeping upon
my knees,
I found the weight of your door-bar for my reward
and fees.
Such is the luck that some men gets, Avhile they
begin to mell,^
In setting at one such as were out, minding to
make all well.
Hodge. Was not well blest, gammer, to 'scape
that scour ? And chad been there,
Then chad been dress'd, belike, as ill (by the mass)
as Gaffer Vicar.
Baily, Marry, sir, here is a sport alone ; I
looked for such an end ;
If Diccon had not play'd the knave, tliis had been
soon amend.
My gammer here he made a fool, and dress'd her
as she was ;
And goodwife Chat he set to scold," till both parts ^
cried, alas !
And Doctor Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his
crown did pare ;
I would the knave had been stark blind, if Hodge
had not his share.
Hodge. Cham meetly well-sped already among's,
cham dress'd like a colt ;
^ i.e., To meddle. — S. " Old copy, Scole. ' [Parties.]
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 249
And chad uot had the better wit, chad been made
a dolt,
Baily. Sir knave, make haste Diccon were
here ; fetch him, wherever he be.
Chat. Fie on the villain, fie, fie, that makes us
thus agree !
G.iMMER. Fie on him, knave, Avith all my heart,
now fie, and fie again !
Doctor Eat. Now fie on him, may I best say,
whom he hath almost slain.
Baily. Lo, where he cometh at hand, belike he
was not far.
Diccon, here be two or three thy company cannot
spare.
Diccon. God bless you, and you may be bless'd,
so many all at once !
Chat. Come, knave, it were a good deed to geld
thee, by Cock's bones.
Seest not thy handiwork? sir Rat, can ye forbear him'?
Diccon. A vengeance on those hands light, for
my hands came not near him.
The whoreson priest hath lift the pot in some of
these alewives' chairs.
That his head would not serve him, belike, to
come down the stairs.
Baily. Nay, soft, thou may'st uot play the
knave, and have tliis language too ;
If thou thy tongue bridle a while, the better
may'st thou do.
Confess the truth as I shall ask, and cease a while
to fable.
And for thy fault, I promise thee, thy handling
shall be reasonable.
Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two
by the ears 1
Diccon. What, if I have ? five hundred such
have I seen witliin these seven years :
250 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
I am sorry for nothing else, but that I see not the
sport,
"Wliich was between them when they met, as thej^
themselves report.
Baily. The greatest thing, Master Rat, ye see
how he is dress'd.
DiCCON. What devil, need he be groping so
deep in goodwife Chat's hens' nest ?
Baily. Yea, but it was thy drilt to bring him
into the briars.
DiccON. God's bread ! hath not such an old fool
wit to save his ears 1
He showeth liimself herein, ye see, so very a cox,i
The cat was not so madly allured by the fox,'-^
To run in the snares was set for him doubtless ;
For he leapt in for mice, and this sir John for
madness.
Doctor Rat. Well, and ye shift no better, ye
losel lither ^ and lazy,
1 Minsheu, in his Dictionary, 1627 (as quoted by Mr
Toilet, in his " Notes on Shakspeare," vol. v. p. 433, says :
" Natural ideots and fools have and still do accustome them-
selves to weare in their cappes cockes feathers, or a hat
with a neeke and head of a cock on the top," &c. From
this circumstance Diccon probably calls l)r Rat a cox ;
that is, a coxcomb, an idiot.
" Seethe " History of Reynard the Fox," chap, vii., edit.
1701.— -S.
3 [Wicked.] Lither is used sometimes for weak or limber,
at other times lean or pale. Several examples of the former
are collected by Mr Steevens (" Notes on Shakspeare," vol.
vi., p. 263).
Again, in "Euphues and his England," 1582, p. 24:
" For as they that angle for the tortoys, having once caught
him, are driven into such a lythernesse, that they loose all
their spirites, being benummed so," &c. Of the latter, the
following will serve as a proof (Erasmus's "Praise of
Folic," Chaloner's translation, 1549, sig. F 2) : " Or at lest
byre some younge Phaon for mede to dooe the thyng, still
daube theyr lither chekes with peintyng," &c.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 251
I Avill go near for this to make ye leap at a daisy. ^
In the king's name, Master Baily, I charge you
set him fast.
DiccON. What ! fast at cards or fast on sleep ?
it is the thing I did last.
Doctor Rat. Nay, fast in fetters, false varlet,
according to thy deeds.
Baily. Master Doctor, there is no remedy, I
must entreat you needs
Some other kind of punishment.
Doctor Eat. Nay, by All-Hallows,
His punishment, if I may judge, shall be nought
else but the gallows.
Baily. That were too sore ; a spiritual man
to be so extreme !
Doctor Eat. Is he worthy any better, sir ?
how do you judge and deem 1
Baily. I grant him worthy punishment, but
in no wise so great.
Gammer. It is a sharne, ich tell you plain, for
such false knaves entreat.
He has almost undone us all, that is as true as
steel.
And yet for all this great ado, cham never the
near my nee'le.
Baily. Can'st thou not say anything to that,
Diccon, with, least or most 1
DiCCON. Yea, marry, sir, thus much I can say
well, the nee'le is lost.
Baily. Nay, canst not thou tell which way that
needle may be found ?
1 [An apparent reference to the story told in one of the
early jest-books of a fellow who was led to execution, and
who, when on the gallows, instead of a neck-verse, cried
out, " Have at you daisy that grows yonder ! " and leapt
off the ladder. See "Pasquil's Jests," 1604, repr. Hazlitt,
p. 48.]
252 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
DiCCON. No, by my fay, sir, though I might
have an hundred pound.
Hodge. Thou liar lickdish, didst not say the
nee'le would be gotten 1
DiccON. No, Hodge ; by the same token you
were that time beshitten,
For fear of hobgoblin — you wot well what I mean,
As long as it is since, I fear me yet ye be scarce clean.
Baily. Well, Master Eat, you must both learn
and teach us to forgive,
Since Diccon hath confession made, and is so clean
shreve :
If ye to me consent to amend this heavy chance,
I will enjoin him here some open kind of penance:
Of this condition — where ye know my fee is twenty
pence
For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to
dispense ;
Ye shall go quit, so that ye grant the matter now
to run.
To end with mirth among us all, even as it was
begun.
Chat. Say yea. Master Vicar, and he shall sure
confess to be your debtor,
And all we that be here present Avill love you much
the better.
Doctor Rat. My part is the worst ; but since
you all hereon agree.
Go even to. Master Baily, let it be so for me.
Baily. ]3ow say'st thou, Diccon, art content
this shall on nie dej^end ?
Diccon. Go to, Master Baily, say on your
mind, I know ye are my friend.
Baily. Then mark ye well ; to recompense
this thy former action.
Because thou hast offended all, to make them satis-
faction,
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 253
Before their faces here kneel down, and as I shall
thee teach,
For thou shalt take an oath of Hodge's leather
breech ;
First for Master Doctor, upon pain of his curse,
Where he wdll pay for all, thou never draw thy
purse :
And when ye meet at one pot, he shall have the
first pull ;
And thou shalt never offer liim the cup, hut it he
full.
To goodwife Chat thou shalt he sworn, even on
the same wise,
If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice.
Thou shalt he hound by the same here, as thou
dost take it :
When thou may'st drink of free cost, thou never
forsake it.
For Gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou
he.
To help her to her needle again, if it do lie in thee;
And likewise be bound, by the vu'tue of that,
To be of good a-bearing to Gib her great cat.
Last of all for Hodge, the oath to scan,
Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman.
Hodge. Come on, fellow Diccon, chall be even
with thee now.
Baily. Thou wilt not stick to do this, Diccon,
I trow 1
Diccon. No, by my father's skin, my hand doAvn
I lay it ;
Look, as I have promised, I will not denay it ;
But, Hodge, take good heed now, thou do not be-
shit me.
{And give him a good blow on the huttoch.
Hodge. Gog's heart, thou false villain, dost thou
bite me 1
254 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
Baily. What, Hodge, doth he hurt thee, ere
ever he be begin 1
Hodge. He thrust me into the buttock with a
bodkin or a pin, [He discovers the needle.
I say, gammer, gammer !
Gammer. How now, Hodge, how now !
Hodge. God's malt, gammer Gurton
Gammer. Thou art mad, ich trow.
Hodge. Will you see the devil, gammer?
Gammer. The devil, son ! God bless us.
Hodge. Chould, [if] ich were hanged, gammer.
Gammer. Marry, see, ye might dress us.
Hodge. Chave it, by the mass, gammer.
Gammer. What, not my nee'le, Hodge ?
Hodge. Your nee'le, gammer, your nee'le.
Gammer. No, fie, dost but dodge.
Hodge. Ch' a found your nee'le, gammer, here
in my hand be it.
Gammer. For all the loves on earth,^ Hodge, let
me see it.
Hodge. Soft, gammer.
1 For the love of God, of heaven, or anything sacred, are
adjurations frequently used at this day, and appear likewise
to have been so at the time this play was written. From
the indiscriminate use of them, it became customary on very
earnest occasions to request of all loves, or fo7' all the loves on
earth. Of these modes of expression, Mr Steevens hath pro-
duced the following examples : "Conjuring his wife of all
loves to prepare cheer fitting." — " Honest Whore," part 1.
" Desire him of all loves to come over quickly."
— Plautus's Menachmi, 1595.
" I pray thee /or all loves be thou my mynde sens I am thyne."
— Acolastus, 1540.
" Mrs Arden desired him of all loves to come back
againe." — Holinshed's Chronicle, p. 1064. — "Notes on
Shakspeare," vol. i., p. 279.
Again —
'' Speak of all loves."
— Midsummer Night's Dream, act. ii., sc. 3.
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE. 255
Gammer. Good Hodge.
Hodge. Soft, icli say, tarry a while.
GajNIMER. jSTay, sweet Hodge, say truth, and not
me beguile.
Hodge. Cham sure on it ; ich warrant you, it
goes no more astray.
Gammer. Hodge, when I speak so fair, wilt still
say me nay 1
Hodge. Go near the light, gammer, 'tis well in
faith, good luck :
Ch' was almost undone, 'twas so far in my buttock.
Gainimer. 'Tis mine own dear nee'le, Hodge,
sikerly ^ I wot.
Hodge. Cham I not a good son, gammer, cham
I not?
Gammer. Christ's blessing light on thee, hast
made me for ever.
Hodge, Ich knew that ich must find it, else
chould a' had it never.
Chat. By my troth, gossip Gurton, I am even
as glad,
As though I mine own self as good a turn had.
Baily. And I by my conscience, to see it so
come forth,
Eejoice so much at it, as three needles be worth.
Doctor Kat. I am no wliit sorry to see you so
rejoice.
DiccoN. Xor I much the gladder for all this noise.
Yet say, gramercy, Diccon, for springing of the
game.
Gajnimer. Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times ! 0,
how glad cham !
' Securely or certainly. So in Chaucer'a " Troilus and
Cressida," Bookiii., 1. 833—
" The drede of lesingmakith him, that he
May in no parfite Sikernesse ybe."
256 GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE.
If that chould do so much, your masterdom to come
hither,
Master Eat, goodwife Chat, and Diccon together ;
Cha but one halfpenny, as far as ich know it.
And chill not rest this night, till ich bestow it.
If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink.
Baily. I am content, if the rest think as I
think.
Master Eat, it shall be best for you if we so do,
Then shall you warm you and dress yourself too.
Diccon. Soft, sirs, take us with you, the com-
pany shall be the more ;
As proud comes behind, they say, as any goes be-
fore.
But now, my good masters, since we must be gone.
And leave you behind us here all alone :
Since at our last ending thus merry we be,
For Gammer Gurton's needle sake, let us have a
plaudite.
FINIS.
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
VOL. III.
EDITION.
A New and Mery Enterlude called the Triall of Treasure,
nexoly set foorth, and neuer before this tyme imprinted.
THE NAMES OF THE PLAYERS.
Firat, Sturdiness, Contestation, Visitation, Time.
The Second, Lust, Sapience, Consolation.
The Third, the Preface, Just, Pleasure, Gkeedy-gut.
The Fourth, Elation ; Trust, a Woman ; and
Treasure, a Woman,
The Fifth, Inclination, the Vice.
Imprinted at Londo in Paules Church eyarde, at the
sigue of the Lucrece, by Thomas Piirfoote. 1567. 4°.
Black letter.
MR HALLIWELL'S PREFACE.
The interlude, presented to the modern reader for the
first time in the following pages, was printed from a
copy formerly in the possession of Steevens, the eminent
Shakspearian critic, before it was noticed that a copy in
the British Mnseiun contained several variations and
superior readings.^ These were the more important,
settling in some places the distribution of the speeches
with greater accuracy than they were arranged in the
exemplar we used. Perhaps, indeed, this may in some
measure have arisen from the one last mentioned haviuy
^ [To the former edition. Printed for the Percy Society,
1849.]
^ These have all been adopted in the present reprint.
The variations exhibited in the Percy Society's text should
be rather called mistakes of the transcriber, and two whole
lines were omitted.]
260 MR HALLIWELLS PREFACE.
been what booksellers technically term " cropped," but
we have noticed all variations of importance in the
notes, and some of them seem incompatible with any
suj)position, except that there were two different im-
pressions in the same year,^ or that the Museum copy
had been corrected while the work was in the press.
Mr Collier conjectures that the " Trial of Treasure "
was written some years before it was printed, but sub-
sequently to the composition of "Lusty Juventus,"
which is, he says, " mentioned in it." But it appears to
me that the allusion to " Lusty Juventus " [p. 263], is
merely a generic proverbial title, and has no reference
whatever to the old play so called. Mr Collier (" Hist.
Dram. Poet." ii., 330), has given a brief analysis of the
interlude now reprinted.
December 21, 1849.
^ The Museum copy has a woodcut on the back of the
title-page, which is wanting in the other copy, a circum-
stance which appears to confirm this opinion.
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
Do all things to edify the Congregation.
Diogenes, which used a barrel for his house,
Being fled from his father to the city of Athens,
Comforted himself much in beholding the mouse,
AVhicli desired neither castle nor hold for her
defence ;
Concerning sustentation she made no difference,
But ate whatsoever to her did befall,
And, touching her apparel, she had least care of
all ;
This poor mouse's property noted Diogenes,
Which oftentimes also he would have in sight,
And though he were disciple unto Antisthenes,
Yet he learned of the mouse as much as he
might ;
In the science of 'sophy he had great delight.
But concerning his state and outward condition.
The most can declare, if you make inquisition.
On a time he chanced accompanied to be
With Alexander, which stood between him and
the sun :
What requirest thou to have, Diogenes (quod he) 1
Is there any thing that by me may be done 1
262 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
I pray thee stand aside, and make a little room
(Quod Diogenes j, that the sun upon me may
shine,
Nought else require I of that that is thine.
He used to say, that as servants be obedient
To their bodily masters, being in subjection,
Even so evil men, that are not content,
Are subjects and slaves to their lusts and aflfection ;
This lesson unto us may be a direction
AVhich way our inclination to bridle and subdue,
Namely, if we labour the same to eschew.
Thus see you how little this philosopher esteemed
The abundant possessions of this mundane treasure,
Which yet, notwithstanding, at these days is
deemed
To be the original and fountain of pleasure ;
This causeth lust to reign without measure,
To the which men are subjects, Diogenes doth
say.
Yet both lust and treasure in time weareth away.
A philosopher is he that wisdom doth love.
Which before Pythagoras wise men were named.
Now, Diogenes being wise, this doth approve
That some men of this age ought as fools to be
blamed.
For where the one with treasure-lack his life
framed.
The other travail, care, and labour with greedi-
ness
The same by all means to enjoy and possess.
As lust with the lusts converteth to dust.
And leaveth of force his pleasant j^rosperity,
So treasure in time is turned to rust.
As St James, in his epistle, showeth the verity ;
Hereof we purpose to speak without temerity,
Therefore our matter is named the Trial of Treasure,
Which time doth expel with all mundane pleasure.
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 263
Both merry and sliort Ave purpose to be, '
And therefore require your pardon and patience ;
We trust in our matter nothing you shall see,
That to the godly may give any offence ;
Though the style be barbarous, not fined with
eloquence.
Yet our author desireth your gentle acceptation,
And we the players likeAvise ■wdth all humiliation.
Enter LuST, like a gallant, singing this song.
Heigho, care away, let the world pass,
For I am as lusty as ever I ivas;
In flowers I flourish as blossoms in May,
Heigho, care away ; heigho, cai'e away /
Lust. What the devil ailed me to sing thus ?
I cry you mercy, by my faith, for ent'ring :
Most like I have ridden on the fljing Pegasus,
Or in Cock Lord's barge I have been a veut'ring.
Sing ? why, I would sing, if it were to do again,
With Orpheus and Amphion I went to school :
What ! lads must be lively attending on the train
Of Lady Delectation, wlaich is no small fool.
Hey rouse, fill all the pots in the house ;
Tush, man, in good fellowship let us be merry.
Look up like a man, or it is not worth a louse ;
Heigho, troly ; hey, dery, dery.
Ha, pleasant Youth and lusty Juventus,
In faith, it is good to be merry this May :
For of man's living here there is no point eudentus,^
Therefore a little mirth is worth much sorrow,
some saj^
i [Probably for the sake of the rhyme, instead of enfcKdu,
understood.]
264 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
Enter JuST.
But remember ye not the wise man's sentence 1
It is better in the house of mourning to be
Than in the house of laughter, where folly hath
residence,
For lightness with wisdom cannot agree ;
Though many have pleasure in foolish phantasy,
Ensuing ^ their inclination and lust,
Yet much better is the life of one that is just.
Lust. Sir, in this you seem against me to inveigh.
Just. Nothing but reason, I think, I do say.
Lust. Marry, you shall have a nightcap for
making the reason.
Friend, have you not a piece of stock-fish to sell 1
I would you had a dish of buttered peason.
By my faith, your communication likes me well,
But, I beseech you, tell me, is not your name
Just?
Just. Yes, forsooth.
Lust. And my name, thou shalt understand, is
Lust,
And according thereto I am lusty indeed ;
But, I think, thou hast drunk of Morpheus seed.
Thou goest like a dromedary, dreamy and drowsy ;
I hold twenty pound the knave is lousy !
Just. Mine apparel is not like unto thine,
Disguised and jagged, of sundry fasliion ;
Howbeit, it is not gold always that doth shine.
But corrupting copper of small valuation ;
Too horrible besides is thy operation.
Nothing more odious unto the just,
Than the beastly desires of inordinate lust.
Lust. It is a shameful thing, as Cicero doth
say,
1 [Following.]
THE TPJAL OF TREASURE. 265
That a man liis own acts should praise and com-
mend ;
Hypocrites accustom the like, day by day,
Checking other men, Avhen the}'- do offend.
Just. Yea, but it is an hard thing, saith the
philosopher,
For a foolish man to have his manners reprehended;
And even at this day it is come so far,
God grant, for his mercy, it may be amended !
For tell a man friendly now of his fault,
Being blasphemy, pride, or vile fornication.
He Avill be as presumptuous as Haman the halt,
And repay with revenge or else defamation :
Thus few men a friendly monition Avill bear.
But stoutly persist and maintain their ill ;
And in noblemen's houses truly I do fear.
There are too many have such forward will.
Lust. Wounds and hearts,^ who can abide this 1
Nay, ye vile villain, I will dress you therefore ;
Your lazy bones I pretend ^ so to bless,
That you shall have small lust to prate any more.
Just. Behold the image of incipient fools !
There ['re] not a few even now of thy property ;
Until you be put into poverty's schools
Ye will not forsake this foolish insolency.
Lust. Nay, soft, with thee I have not made an
end. [Draiv out Ids sivord.
Just. The just against lust must always con-
tend.
Therefore I propose to wrestle with thee [put it up],
AVho shall have the victory, straightway we shall
see.
Lust. WTien thou wilt; by liis flesh, I shall
hold the wag.
^ [i.e., God's wounds and hearts ; the orig. has hartes.]
2 [Intend.]
266 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
[Wrestle, and let LuST seem to have the better
at the first.
Just. I know that Lust useth not little to brag.
Lust. Thou shalt find me as mighty as Samsou
the strong.
Just. Yea, the battle of lust endureth long.
Lust. Wounds and flesh ! I was almost down
on my back ;
But yet I will Avrestle, till my bones crack.
[Slay, and then sjieah.
Just. The end of thy presumption now doth
appear.
Lust. Yet do what thou canst, I will not lie
here;
No, by his wounds, you old doting knave !
[Cast him, and let him arise again.
Thinkest thou that Lust will be made a slave ?
I shall meet you in Smithfield, or else other-where,
By his flesh and blood, I will thee not forbear !
Just. Not of my power I do thee expel,
But by the might of his sprit that dwelleth in me :
Inordinate lust with the just may not dwell.
And therefore may not I accompany thee.
Lust. Well, goodman Just, it is no matter,
But, in faith, I pretend not with thee to flatter ;
Though from thy company depart I must,
I shall live as much in wealthiness, I trust.
[Go out. lie must drive him out.
Just. Where most wealth is, and most delecta-
tion,
There Lust is commonly of most estimation ;
For whereas wealth wanteth, idleness doth slake,
For where idleness is. Lust parteth the stake.
[Pause.
Thus have you seen the conflict of the just.
Which all good men ought to use and frequent ;
For horrible are the fruits of inordinate lust.
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 267
AVhicli in some case resembletli Hydra the serpent,
"Whose head being cut off, another riseth incon-
tinent :
So, one of Lust's cogitations being cut away,
There riseth np another, yea, many, we may say.
It is requisite therefore that every degree
Against this his hist both strive and contend ;
And though, at the first, he seem sturdy to be.
The Lord will convince ^ liim for you in the end.
Your cause unto him therefore wholly commend,
Labouring to avoid all inordinate lust.
And to practice in life to Hve after the Just.
[Go out. Enter Inclination, the Vice.
Inc. I can remember since Xoe's ship
Was made, and builded on Salisbury Plain ;
The same year the weathercock of Paul's caught
the pip.
So that Bow-bell was like much woe to sustain.
I can remember, I am so old,
Since Paradise gates were watched by night ;
And when that Vulcanus was made a cuckold,
Among the great gods I appeared in sight.
Nay, for all you smiling, 1 tell you true.
No, no, ye will not know me now ;
The mighty on the earth I do subdue.
Tush, if you will give me leave, I '11 tell ye how ;
Now, in good faith, I care not greatly.
Although I declare my daily increase ;
But then these gentlewomen will be angry,
Therefore I think best to hold my peace :
Nay, I beseech you, let the matter stay,
For I would not for twenty pounds come in their
hands ;
For if there should chance to be but one Dalila,
By the mass, they Avould bind me in Samson's bands !
^ [Conquer.]
268 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE,
But what, mean I first Avith them to begin,
Seeing that in all men I do remain 1
Because that first I remained Eve within,
And after her^Adam, and so forth to Cain.
I perceive by your looks my name ye would know ;
Why, you are not ignorant of that, I dare say ;
It is I that do guide the bent of your bow,
And ruleth your actions also day by day ;
Forsooth, I am called Natural Inclination,
Which bred in old Adam's fostred bones ;
So that I am proper to his generation,
I will not away with casting of stones !
I make the stoutest to bow and bend :
Again, when I lust, I make men stand upright ;
From the lowest to the highest I do ascend,
Dramng them to things of natural might.
J^nier LuST and StURDINESS, singing this song.
Where is the hiave that so did rave ?
0, that ive could him find,
We would him malce for fear to quake,
That lout of lohbish kind.
My name is Lust, and let him ti'ust
That I ivill have redress;
For thou and I ivill make him fly.
Aline old friend Sturdiness.
Lust. AVliere is noAv that valiant Hercules 1
For all his brags, he is now run away.
Sturd. {bragginglij.) By the guts of Goliah,
it is best for his ease,
For he was like for the pottage to pay.
Inc. Cock's soul ! Avhat bragging knaves have
we here ?
Come ye to convince the mightiest conqueror ?
It was I, that before you now doth appear,
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 2G9
Which brought to confusion both Hector and
Alexander :
Look on this leg, ye prating slaves,
I remember since it was no greater than a tree ;
At that time I had a couple of knaves,
Much like unto you, that waited on me.
Lust. Cock's precious soul, let us conquer the
knave.
Sturd. By his flesh and sides, a good courage
I have ;
Stand you, therefore, a little aside.
And ye shall see me quickly abate the fool's pride.
[Draiv out the sword ; make him put it tip ; mid
then strike him. Look in your spectacles.
Inc. Nay, I dare not, I, if thou lookest so big ;
What, should such a boar jfight with a pig !
Put up thy sword, man, we will agree ;
So, lo ! do so much as bear that for me.
Sturd. Nay, liy his heart then, I will you dress.
Inc. Be good in thine office, gentle friend
Sturdiness ;
For though thou and I do seem to contend.
Yet we are, and must be, friends till the end.
Sturd. Come, give me thy hand, I beshrew
thy heart.
Inc. Nay, you must take all things in good part ;
Who standeth yonder 1 Captain Lust ?
Sturd. Yea, marry.
Inc. No remedy then, to him go I must.
You have forgot, I dare say, your old friend In-
clination ;
But let us renew acquaintance again, for Cock's
passion !
Lust. Why, man, our acquaintance hath been
of old ;
I am yours at commandment, therefore be bold ;
For Lust can do nothing without Inchnation,
270 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
Chiefly in matters concerning a pleasant vocation.
Inc. Indeed Lust may be taken for a thing
indifferent,
Except Inclination be joined thereunto ;
But when that I once have revealed my intent,
As I will men to work, so commonly they do.
Lust. Ye have heard of the combat between me
and Just ?
Inc. Yea, marry, I heard say that you lay in the
dust.
Lust. What say ye ?
Inc. Neither one word nor other, ye may me
trust.
Lust. Of mine honesty, my company he utterly
refused.
And in Avrestling with me he gave me the foil,
Saying that I had myself and other abused.
Leading men in perj)lexity and marvellous toil.
Sturd. By Gog's wounds, if we had found him
here,
We should, by his flesh, have abated his cheer.
Inc. I perceive, Sturdiness, thou art no fool ;
Tell me of fellowship, where wentest thou to school 1
Sturd. \Vliat, to read or write ?
Inc. Nay, to swear and fight :
For I think thou canst neither write, read, nor spell ;
But in swearing and fighting thou dost excel.
Sturd. Thou knowest that lam joined with Lust,
And sturdy by nature I am in like case.
What, let the world wag : all cannot be just,
Some must natural inclination embrace.
Lust. All men just? no, I remember the sen-
tence of Tully,
That no man is just that feared death, poverty, or
pain,
Which I do fear all, and that marvellously ;
For fortune is variable, I do perceive plain,
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 271
And notwithstanding that Felix possessed great
gain,
Yet when Paul preached of the judgment-daj'.
He trembled for fear, and bad him go away.
Inc. Doth such passions often trouble your
mind 1
Lust. Nay, not often, but sometime I do them
find ;
But then, to the intent to drive them away,
I either go to sleep, or else to some play.
Sturd. By Gog's precious heart, even so do I ;
But sometime they cumber me pestileutly.
Inc. Well, Master Lust, such dumps to eschew.
My advice and request you must needs ensue :
That is, to become disciple to doctor Epicurus,
And then you shall have mirth by measure and
overplus ;
Tush, I know a couple companions in store
That were marvellous meet for you evermore ;
I wish you were known, you, unto them.
Lust. Well, then, call them in.
Inc. Here they come, each of them in a knave's
skin.
Enler ELATION and Greedy-GUT. Thei/ sing.
With lust to live is our delight,
In high estate and dignity ;
Seeing that the Jiist put us to flight,
Let them alone in misery.
Sturd. Nay, they be lusty lads, I tell ye.
Ela. What, IncHnation ! methought I did smell
thee :
Give me thy hand, ere we further go.
Inc. Now, welcome in faith, and Greedy-gut
also ;
272 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
But, sirs, are none of you both acquainted with
Lust?
Lust. Yes, that they have been both of them,
I trust ;
Welcome, sirs, in faith, welcome unto me.
Ela. By my troth, I am glad your mastership
to see
In health and prosperity, as presently you be.
Gre. Bom fay, zo am I wod all my heart.
Inc. This cow-bellied knave doth come from
the cart ;
Ise teach you to speak, I hold you a pound !
Curchy, lob, curchy down to the ground.
Gre. Che can make curchy well enou'.
Inc. Lower, old knave, or I '11 make ye to bow
The great-bellied lout methink cannot bend
Yes, so, lo, he beginneth to amend.
Lust. Well, sirs, now I remember ^sop's advice.
Which he gave totheSamies^ against king Croesus ^^
Therefore it is good to be witty and wise.
And being in liberty to keep me still thus,
I cannot abide a life that is dolorous,
And seeing that my name is properly Lust,
I hate the conversation of the just.
Inc. Well, Master Lust, first join you to me. In-
clination.
Next here with Sturdiness you must you acquaint ;
Turn you about, and embrace Elation ;
And that wealth may increase without any re-
straint,
Join you with Greedy-gut here in our presence.
That all these in you may have prosperous influence.
[^Boio to the ffround.
Lust. Out, alas ! what a sudden passion is this !
I am so taken, that I cannot stand ;
^ [Samians.] " [Original has Crassus.]
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 1^73
Tlie cramp, the cramp, hatli touched me, i-wis ;
I shall die without remedy now out of hand.
Gre. By my matins cheese, our master is sick.
Inc. Stand back, Nicol-uoddy, with the pudding-
prick,
More brains in thy skin than wit in thy brain.
Such Greedy-gut in faith would be flain !
This cramp doth signify nothing in effect ;
None of all your counsels he will now reject,
And therefore fear not to make full declaration.
But how he is bowed by me Inclination.
Sturd. Then fear not the force of these that be
just,
But labour yourself to advance and augment ;
Be jocund and lively, sith your name is Lust,
And then you shall easily obtain your intent.
Ela. Esteem yourself always equal with the best,
And seek for promotion, power, and dignity ;
It is good when men may live as they lust,
And unto the just bear hate and malignity.
Gre. zur, ye must be greedy to catch and to
claw.
Inc. Well said. Greedy-gut, as wise as a daw !
Gre. Eat up, at a mouthful, houses and lands.
Inc. There 's a vengeable mouth to —
[Gape, and the Vice gape.
Gre. Never fear God, nor the governor's law.
But gripe, gripe, gripe greedily all that cometh in
your hands.
By the mass, but Hugh Howlet is pestilent witty,
What guttish greediness the whoreson can teach !
That thou art not erected, in faith, it is pity.
As high as three trees and a halter will reach.
Lust. Marry, sirs, but your counsels hath set me
on fire !
Hey, lusty lad, how fresh am I now !
Lead me. Inclination, to have my desire,
VOL. in. s
274 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
And then at tliy request I will ever bend and bow.
Inc. He that bendeth to follow his own inclina-
tion,
Must needs live a wicked and vile conversation,
But so. Master Lust, I will lead you to a j^lace,
Where you shall have pleasure enough in short
space.
Lust. Yea, but shall not this company go thither?
Inc. Yes, marry, we four will all go together ;
But Sturdiness shall tarry to face out the matter,
If Just peradventure against you shall clatter.
Sturd. By the mass, and well said, but first let
us sing.
Inc. I must tune my pipes first of all by drink-
ing.
Ela. Tush, what then 1 1 pray thee help us a
part.
Inc. Yes, I will sing the treble with all my
heart.
The?/ sing.
Lnst shall he led hy Inclination
To Carnal Cogitation;
Where Lust is wholly led hy me,
He must fall to aipidity ;
For carnal cares shall him assail,
And speedily they shall pr-evail;
I, Sturdiness, ivill face it out
In Ids cause, sturdy, stiff and stout.
Then Greedy-g^U shall malce him eat
Both house and lands like bread and meat ;
Elation .'(hall 'pvf him high
For to aspire above the shy;
Then natural and lordly Lust
Shall with his ^yower des2nse the Jtist.
Ela. Our song is ended, hast thou other in store?
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 275
Inc. I shall not have done this half hour and
more.
Yet I Avill, noAv I remember. Come in, Lust ;
That I go before, is but needful and just.
You shall be now led by me Inclination
To reason and talk with Carnal Cogitation.
Sturd. Is there more vanity underneath the sun,
Than to be inclined after this sort ]
Well, Lust doth now as other have done,
Yea, and do day by day, esteeming it a sport ;
This Lust is the image of all Avicked men,
Which in seeking the world have all delectation ;
They regard not God, nor his commandments ten.
But are Avholly led by their own inclination.
First, to inculcate with Carnal Cogitation,
And after to the desire of all worldly treasure,
AVhich alone they esteem the fulness of pleasure.
With Elation or Pride he is also associate.
Which pufFeth up his senses with pi'esumption
pestilent ;
Then Greedy-gut maketh them continually to grate
On the mock of this world, which he thinketh per-
manent.
I, Sturdiness, to hear out all tilings am bent :
Thus see you how men, that are led by their lust,
Dissent from the virtuous, goodly and just.
[Go oid. Enter JuST and SAPIENCE.
Sap. The ad\dce of Aristippus have in your mind,
Which willed me to seek such things as be perma-
nent.
And not such as are of a vanishing kind,
For the one Avith the other is not equivalent.
Be circumapect, therefore, foreseeing and sapient,
For treasures here gotten are uncertain and vain,
But treasures of the mind do continually remain.
Just. This is the mind of Musonus, also I re-
member.
276 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
Like as presently you have advertised me,
For the which I cannot but thankfully render
Such commendations as is requisite to be ;
And as your name is Sapience, thus much I see,
That on heavenly wisdom you do depend,
And not on as time doth bring to an end.
Sap. Truth indeed, and therefore, your name
being Just,
With me and my documents must be associate ;
Where, contrary, such as are led by their lust.
To incline evil are always appropriate :
They have not, as you have, battle and combat
Against the cogitations that inwardly spring,
But rather are obedient unto the same thing :
And this is the occasion that men are so ambitious
And so foolish, led by the lust of their brain :
Sometime to covet, sometime to be \dcious ;
Sometime the counsel of the wise to disdain ;
Sometime to climb till they fall down again ;
Sometime to usurp the possessions of other ;
Sometime to disobey both father and mother.
Just. Alas, what availeth it riches to enjoy,
Though as much in comparison as Croesus the
king t
What helpeth it to have Helen in Troy,
If the conscience of man continually sting 1
Elation and Pride no commodity doth bring.
But is often known the forerunner of shame,
And the blot of immortal memory and fame.
I^nter INCLINATION, the Vice.
Inc. Now, by my halidom, it is alone a :
Better sport in my life I never saw.
It is trim, I tell you, to dance with John and
Jone a,
We pass not a point for God nor his law ;
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 277
But Lust is lusty, and full of porridge :
Cogitation and he in one bed doth lie.
When here is Master Just, with his cank'red cour-
age,
Wliat, and old doting Sapience ! then I am dressed, I.
So often already Just hath me restrained,
That I dare not entice him any more.
For through Sapience he hath me clearly disdained,
That my courage is spent, and I have no more.
[Make as going back.
Sap. Nay, soft, sir, we must talk with you, ere
ye go.
Inc. I cannot tarry at this time, the truth is so.
Just. Nay, there is no remedy ; with you we
must talk.
Inc. By the body of me, I hold best that I walk.
Or else learn to speak language another while,
And so I may happen the knaves to beguile.
Just. Turn back, ere you go, we have somewhat
to say.
Inc. Non point parle frangois, non, par ma foy.
Sap. To deceive us now himself he doth prepare.
Inc. Ick en can ghene english spreken von waer.
Body of me, let me go, or else I shall piss :
I -wis, Master Just, you have loved me ere this ;
Therefore now be ruled after my counsel,
And godly things for your commodity I shall you
tell.
Sap. Let him that is just not lightly ensue
His vile inclination and carnal concupiscence.
But let him rather contend the same to subdue ;
And chiefly those that have knowledge of Sapience :
Therefore to bridle this lust do your diligence.
His crafty provocations utterly to restrain.
That Just may live, while life doth remain.
Inc. Goodman Hobal, speak you in earnest 1
WTiat dost thou say, shall the Just bridle me 1
278 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
No, no, brother Snaps, do the worst and thy best,
I will not be bridled of him nor of thee.
Just. Seeing Sapience consisteth in heavenly
document,
And that heavenly document consisteth in Sapience,
To bridle this wretch I cannot but consent,
Sith I of his purpose have had oft intelligence.
Inc. Yet again [to] bridle it doth not prevail;
I will not be bridled of the best of you both.
See you this gear ] here 's one will make you to
quail ;
Stand back ! to kill you, Master Just, I would be
loth !
You have been so burned and fried of late,
That it were pity to hurt you any more.
Back, I say, or my dagger shall about your pate.
By the mass, but I will, sir, I'll make your bones
sore. [Struggle two or three times.
Just. I will bridle thee, beast, for all thy brag-
ging.
Inc. In faith, goodman Just, I '11 hold ye wag-
ging ;
Nay, brother, ye shall find me a curst colt to bridle.
Nay, in faith, better yet I vv'ill make thee to
struggle.
Sap. Never leave him, but ensue the counsel of
Sapience.
Just. Lo, now, I have brought him under obedi-
ence. [Bridle him.
Inc. Not so obedient as thou thinkest me to
have ;
Nay, brother, ye shall find me a coltish knave :
AVe-he-he, it is good for you to hold fast.
For I will kick and winch, while the life doth last.
Sap. Thou slialt kick indeed, but no victory
win ;
Neither to conquer the Just to ungodliness nor sin.
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 279
Inc. yes, yes, I Avill make a proclamation.
Just. What shall that be 1
Inc. If ye vnW give me leave, then you shall see.
yes ! is there any man or Avoman that hath lost
A gambolling gelding with a grey tail 1
Let him come to the crier, and pay for his cost,
And he will tell him tidings without any fail.
Sap. To the intent that you may him sharply
restrain.
Let him not enjoy so much of the rein.
[Bridle htm shorter.
Inc. Cock's soul, now the snaffle cutteth my lip,
1 would this lubberly knave had the pip !
I shall leap no hedges while this bridle is on.
Out, alas ! I think it will fret me to the bone.
Sap. Thus should every man, that will be called
Just,
Bridle and subdue his beastly inchnation.
That he in the end may obtain perfect trust.
The messenger of God to give sight to salvation.
Just. That trust to obtain with him I liave
struggled.
Sap. Then let us depart, and leave this beast
bridled. [Go out both.
Inc. May the devil go with you and his dun
dame !
Such horse-masters will make a colt quickly tame ;
I would he were hanged that tliis snaffle did make,
It maketh my chaps so shamefully to ache ;
Ye have no pity on me, you, I see, by your
laughing ;
I care not greatly, if I fall to gambolling ;
We-he-he-he-he-he, come aloft, I say.
Beware the horse-heels, I advise you stand away ;
The rein of my bridle is tied so short.
That I cannot make you any more sport.
But though I be bridled now of the Just,
280 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE,
I doubt not but I shall be unbridled by Lust,
And let not Just think but I Avill rebel,
Although he bridle me ten times all well ;
Though Nature saith one doom with a croch,
It will not lie long, but incontinent approach ;
Even so, though that I be bridled a while.
The colt will at length the courser beguile.
Enter Greed Y-GUT rtmning, and catch a fall.
Gre. Chill run, I, as fast as I can,
Zurs, did none of you zee a man 1
Cham zent in haste from my Master Lust,
So that Inclination needs come to him must.
Inc. Where is he now 1 I pray thee, tell me.
Gre. Why, what have we here 1 Jesus, benedicite !
I hold twenty pound it is Balaam's ass !
Nay 'tis a colt, I see his tail, by the mass !
Inc. Am I a colt 1 nay, thou liest like a knave.
Somewhat for thy labour now shalt thou have.
Gre. Hobal, ho, lousy jade, must ye kick 1
Inc. Whoever saw such a desperate Dick 1
Why Greedy-gut, do'st thou not know Inclination 1
Gre. Body of me, who hath drest thee of that
fashion 1
Thou art bridled for biting now indeed.
Sirrah, Master Lust would have thee make
speed.
Inc. I am bridled, I, even as thou do'st see.
Therefore desire him to come and help me.
But what is the matter, that he for me sent 1
Gre. Marry, together with Greediness now he
is bent ;
He hath had long talk with Carnal Cogitation,
And is set on fire by the means of Elation,
So that he is so lusty, he cannot abide,
Therefore one or other for him must be spied.
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 281
Inc. Well, Greedy-gut, I pray thee, go and make
haste.
Gre. Tush, fear not, chill spend no time in waste.
Inc. I had rather than forty pence that he were
come ;
If I be bridled long, I shall be undone.
So sharp is this snaffle, called Eestraint,
That it maketh me sweat I am so faint :
Hark ! I hear the voice of my Master Lust ;
Now I shall be unbridled shortly, I trust.
Enter LusT.
Lust. Cock's precious wounds, here hath been
villainy.
Inc. Eh, they have used me with too much
villainy,
That old knave Sapience so counselled Just ;
But let me be unbridled, good Master Lust.
[Unbridle him.
Lust. Lo, now thou art unbridled, be of good
cheer.
Inc. By'r Lady, I am glad I haA^e gotten thus
clear.
But hark you. Master Lust, if I may do you
pleasure.
Whisper, whisper.
Lust. She is called Treasure. ^
0, my heart is on fire, till she come in place.
Inc. Master Lust, she hath an amiable face ; ^
A tricker, a trimmer, in faith that she is,
The goddess of wealth, prosjierity, and bliss.
1 [In the original the hemistich, She is called Treasure, is
assigned to Inclination.]
* This speech is not assigned to Inclination in the
original. — Hallhoell {AddUional Notes).
282 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
Lust. But think you that this minion long en-
dure shall ?
Inc. For ever and ever, man, she is immortal.
There be many other ; but she exceedeth them all.
Lust. What be they, have you their names in
store 1
Inc. Yea, hark, in your ear [tvhispers], and
many other more.
Lust. Sith that the apple of Paris before me is
cast,
And that I may deliver the same where I will,
I would Prometheus were here to help me hold fast,
That I might have a fore-wit with me ever still.
Pallas, I consider, in science hath skill.
But Juno and Venus good will do I bear ;
Therefore to give the apple I know not where.
Inc. Be counsell'd by me, and give it Lady
Treasure.
It shall be for your commodity in the end without
measure,
For having the company of this minion lass.
You shall never want the society of Pallas ;
Juno, nor yet the armijiotent Mars,
Can not resist your strength, be they never so
fierce ;
And as for Venus, you shall have [her] at pleasure.
For she is bought and sold always with Treasure ;
She of her power hath whole countries conquered,
The most noble champions by her hath been mur-
thered ;
Aeon for her sake was stoned to death.
Tush, innumerable at this day spend their breath,
Some hang or be hanged, they love her so well,
She is the great goddess, it is true that I tell.
Lust. Which way should I work of her to have
a sight ?
Inc. I, Inclination, will lead you thither right ;
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 283
But we must have Greedy-gut and also Elation.
Lust. They are at the house of Carnal Cogita-
tion.
Inc. Whither I would wish that we might depart ;
I will lead you thither with all my heart.
Enter JusT, TRUST, and CONTENTATION.
Trust, a rvotnan plainly [apparelled,^ and CON-
TENTATION kneel down and sing, she have a crown.
So happy is the slate of those
Tliat ivalk upright and just,
That thou, Lord, dost thy face disclose
By perfect hope and trtist.
Their inclination thou dost stay,
And sendeth them Sapience,
That they should serve, a.nd eke obey,
Thy high magnificence.
And sendest Contentation,
That we in thee may rest.
Therefore all adoration
To thee pertaineth best.
Just. God careth for his, as the prophet doth
say,
And preserveth them under his merciful wings ;
Namely the just, that his will do obey,
Observing his holy commandment in all things ;
Not for our sake or for our deservings.
But for his own sake openly to declare.
That all men on earth ought to live in his fear.
Trust. How God hath blessed you, all men may
see ;
For first at your entrance you conquered Lust,
Not by your power, but by might of the deity.
As all persons ought to do that be just.
Then through Sapience, wliich God did you send,
284 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
You bridled that brutish beast Inclination,
And also ordered you "vvitli Contentation.
CoNT. Those that are contented with their voca-
tion
Be thankful to God ; this is a true consequent ;
And those that be thankful in their conversation,
Cannot but please the Lord God omnipotent ;
But those that be sturdy, proud, and disobedient,
The Euler of all rulers will them confound,
And rot their remembrance off from the ground.
Just. When Solon was asked of Croesus the
king.
What man was most happy in this vale terrestrial,
To the end he seemeth to attribute that thing
Wlien men be associate with treasures celestial,
Before the end can no man judge, he doth say,
That any man is happy that here beareth breath,
But then by his end prettily judge we may.
Thus true happiness consisteth, saith he, after death.
If this be a truth, as undoubtedly it is.
What men are more foolish, wretched, and miser-
able.
Than those that in these treasures accompt their
whole bliss 1
Being infect with ambition, that sickness incurable ;
All, wicked Adrastia, thou goddess deceivable,
Thus to pluck from men the sense of their mind.
So that no contentation therein they can find.
Trust. The treasure of this world we may well
compare
To Circes the witch with her crafty cautility,
Wherewith many men's minds so poisoned are,
That quite they are carried into all fidelity ;
They are conjured indeed, and bewitched so sore,
That treasure is their trust, joy and delight.
True trust is expelled, they pass not therefore.
And against contentation they continually fight.
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 285
But though wicked men follow their lust,
Crying, on earth is our felicity and pleasure.
Yet God doth so guide the hearts of the just.
That they respect chiefly the celestial treasure.
CoNT. Alas ! should we not have that estimation
Wliich God hath prepared for his dear elect 1
Should not our minds rest in full contentation.
Having trust in this treasure, most high in respect 1
St Paul, whom the Lord so high did erect,
Saith : It passeth the sense of our memory and
mind.
Much less can our outward eyes the same find.
And as for treasures which men possess here.
Through fickleness of fortune soon fadeth away ;
The greatest of renoAvn and most worthy i)eer
Sometime falleth in the end to misery and decay.
Record of Dionysius, a king of much fame.
Of the valiant Alexander and Ctesar the strong.
Record of Tarquinius, Avliich Superbus had to name.
And of Heliogabalus, that ministered with wrong;
If I should recite all, I should stand very long.
But these be sufficient plainly to approve,
How soon by uncertainty this treasure doth remove.
Just. It is true ; therefore a mind well content
Is great riches, as the "svise King Solomon doth say.
AVe have seen of late days this canker jjestilent
Corrupting our realm to our great decay —
Ambition, I mean, which cliiefly did reign
Among those that should be examples to others ;
We saw how their brethren they did disdain.
And bm*ned with fire the child "wdth the mother ;
It is often seen that such monsters ambitious.
As spare not to spill the blood of the innocent,
Will not greatly stick to become seditious,
The determination of God thereby to prevent.
God grant every one of us earnestly to repent.
And not to set our minds on this fading treasure,
286 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
But rather wish and will to do the Lord's pleasure.
Trust. ye emperors, potentates, and princes
of renown,
Learn of Just with Trust yourselves to associate.
That like as your vocation by right doth ask the
crown.
And also due obedience, being the appointed
magistrate,
So rule that at the last you may be resuscitate.
And reign with the Almighty with perfect con-
tinuance.
Receiving double crowns for your godly governance.
Ye noblemen, whom God hath furnished with
fame.
Be mindful to walk in the ways of the Just,
Add virtue evermore to your honourable name.
And be not overcome of concupiscence or lust.
Flee from love of treasure, catch hold of me, Trust ;
And then double felicity at the last you shall
possess,
And in all earthly doings God shall give you
success.
Ye poor men and commons, walk well in your
vocation.
Banish lust and desire, which is not convenient ;
Let trust work in you a full contentation,
Considering that it leadeth to treasures more
excellent.
For these are uncertain, but they are most per-
manent.
Your necessity supply with virtue and trust.
And then shall you enjoy your crown among the
just
Just. As I, being properly nominate Just,
Am here associate with Contentation,
So have I my whole felicity in Trust,.
Who illumineth mine eyes to see my salvation.
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 287
Trust. Fear ye not, shortly you shall have
consolation,
If I were once grown in you to perfection,
Even thus goeth it always with the children of
election.
Just. I will depart now ; will ye go with me,
Trust ?
Trust. Yea, I must always associate the Just.
CONT. A psalm of thanksgiving first let us sing,
To the laud and praise of the immortal King.
[Here, if you will, sing " the man is blest
that feareth God," &c. — Go out.
Enter INCLINATION, laughing.
Inc. Lust (quod he) ; now in faith he is lusty.
Lady Treasure and he hath made a match ;
He thinketh that I were marvellous trusty.
Because I teach him to claw and to catch.
And nowadays amity doth therein consist ;
He that can flatter shall be well beloved ;
But he that saith, tlnis and thus, saith Christ,
Shall as an enemy be openly reproved.
Friendship, yea, friendship consisteth now in adula-
tion ;
Speak fair and please the lust of thy lord,
I Avarrant thee be had in great estimation,
When those that tell truth shall be abhorr'd.
Ah, unhappy Lingua, whither Avilt thou ren %
Take heed, I advise thee, lest thou be shent ;
If ye chance to tell any tales of these gentlewomen.
With flesh-hooks and nails you are like to be rent ;
Nay, for the passion of me be not so moved,
And I will please you incontinent again.
Above all treasures you are Avorthy to be loA^ed,
Because you do no men deride nor disdain ;
You do not contemn the simple and poor ;
288 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
You be not high-minded, proud, and presumptuous.
Neither Avanton nor wily you be nevermore,
But gentle, loving modesty, and virtuous,
Behold how a lie can please some folks' diet,
0[r] pacify their minds marvellous well!
All hist, I warrant ye, so they [be] in quiet.
How to please you hereafter now I can tell :
Hark, I hear Lust and my Lady Treasure,
They are given to solace, singing and pleasure.
Enter LuST and Treasure, a woman finely
appareled.
Lust. Ah, amorous lady, of beautiful face.
Thou art heartily welcome into this place ;
My heart is inclined to thee. Lady Treasure,
My love is insatiate, it keepeth no measure.
Treas. It is I, Master Lust, that will you advance ;
Treasure it is that things doth enhance :
Upon me set your whole affection and lust.
And pass not a point for the ways of the Just.
Treasure is a pleasure, bear that in mind ;
Both trusty and true ye shall me always find.
Inc. As trusty as is a c^uick eel by the tail !
[^Aside.
What, Lady Treasure, Avelcome without fail ;
To be better acquainted with you once I trust,
But I dare not in the presence of my Master Lust.
[Treas.] Ye are welcome, sir, heartily ; what !
be of good courage ;
Drawer, let us have a pint of white wine and
borage,
Lust. Wherefore, I pray thee tell 1
Inc. Marry, methink you are not well.
Lust. Not well ? who can a better life crave.
Than to possess such a lady as I have 1
Is there any wealth not contained in Treasure
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 289
Ah, lady, I love thee, in faith, out of measure.
Inc. It is out of measure indeed, as you say,
And even so most men love her at this day ;
0, she is a minion of amorous hue,
Her peer in my days yet I never knew.
Old (quod you) : I am an old knave, I tell ye,
Nay, never laugh at the matter, for doubtless I
smell ye ;
She passeth Juno, Ceres, and Pallas,
More beautiful than ever dame Venus was,
Othea in sapience she doth exceed.
And Diana in dignity, of whom we do read ;
What shoidd fair Helen once named be.
She excelleth all these. Master Lust, believe me.
Lust. How say you, is not this an eloquent lad 1
Treas. That you have such a servant, truly I am
glad.
Inc. Ha, ha, now indeed I can you not blame.
For women of all degrees are glad of the same ;
They that flatter and sjDeak them fair,
Shall be their sons, and peradventure their heir.
Lust. You told me of a brother you had, Lady
Treasure.
Treas. Yea, sir, that I have ; his name is called
Pleasure ;
And seeing you enjoy me now at your will.
Right soon, I am sure, he "will come you until.
Lust. Truly of him I would fain have a sight.
For because that in pleasure I have marvellous
delight.
Inc. Then honesty and profit you may bid good
night. [Aside.
Lust. What say'st thou 1
Inc. I say he will shortly appear in sight ;
I know by his singing the same is he,
[.isic/e] The misbegotten Orpheus I think that he
be.
VOL. IIL T
290 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
Enter PLEASURE, singing this song.
happy days and pleasant 2^i(il/s,
Wherein I do delight-a;
1 do pretend, till my lifers end.
To live still in such plight-a.
Inc. Master Pleasure, I perceive you be of good
cheer.
Pleas. What, Inclination, old lad, art thou here?
Inc. Yea, sir, and Lady Treasure your sister,
also.
Pleas. Body of me, then unto her I will go.
What, sister, I am glad to meet with you here.
Treas. Welcome unto me, mine own brother
dear.
Master Lust, this is my brother, of whom I told ;
He is pleasant and lusty, as you may behold.
Lust, Gentleman (I pray you), is your name
Master Pleasure ?
Pleas. Yea, sir, and I am brother to Lady Trea-
sure.
Lust. And are you contented to accompany me ?
Pleas. Whereas she is resident, I must needs
be;
Treasure doth Pleasure commonly precede.^
But the one is with the other, they have both so
decreed.
Inc. Marry, now you are well indeed. Master
Lust ;
This is better, I trow, than the life of the just : [.
They be compelled to possess contentation,
Having no treasure but trust of salvation.
But my lady your mistress — my mistress, I would
say,
1 [Original has ^JcoccecZ.]
THE TRIAL OF TKEASURE. 291
She Avorketli, you may see, to keep you from decay.
Lust. 0, madam, in you is all my delight,
And in your brother Pleasure, both day and night.
The Trial of Treasure this is indeed,
I perceive that she is a true friend at need ;
For I have proved her, according as Thales doth say.
And I perceive that her beauty cannot decay.
Treas. Always Avith you I will be resident,
So that your life shall be most excellent.
Pleas. Yea, sir, and me Pleasure also you shall
have,
So that none other thing there needeth to crave ;
I vnW replenish your heart with delight.
And I will be always with Treasure in sight.
But if you desire to enjoy me at your will,
My sister you must have in reputation still ;
And then, as her treasure is certain and excellent.
My pleasure shall be both perfect and permanent.
Credit not those, sir, that talk that and this.
Saying that in two consisteth no bliss.
But let experience your mind ever move,
And see if all men us two do not love.
Inc. [asiVZe.] Love ? yes, they love you indeed,
without a doubt,
AATiich shutteth some of them God's kingdom with-
out.
They love you so well, that their God they do hate,
As time hatli declared to us even of late.
But he that on such tilings his study doth cast.
Shall be sure to be deceived at the last.
Lust. "What dost thou say %
Inc. Of Treasure, forsooth, ye must ever hold fast.
For if you should chance to lose Lady Treasure,
Then farewell in post this gentleman Pleasure.
Lust. My love to them both cannot be express'd,
And especially, my lady, you I love best.
Treas. If you love me, as you do profess,
292 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
Be sure you shall want no kind of wealthiness.
Pleas. And if you have wealthiness at your
own will,
Then will I Pleasure remain with you still.
Inc. [asiWe.] You are both as constant as snow
in the sun,
Which from snow to water through melting doth
run ;
But worldly-wise men cannot conceive that :
To hunt for such mice they learn of the cat.
Lust. My lady is amorous, and full of favour.
Inc. [a«i(/<?.] I may say to you she hath an ill-
favoured savour.
Lust. What sayest thou 1
Inc. I say she is loving and of gentle behaviour.
Treas. And so I will continue still, be you sure.
Pleas. And I in like case, while your life doth
endure.
Lust. Ah trusty Treasure ! ah pleasant Plea-
sure !
All wealth I possess now without measure ;
And seeing that the same shall firmly remain,
To help me sing a song will you take the pain 1
Treas. Even with all my heart, begin when ye
will.
Inc. [aside.] To it, and I wdl either help or stand
still.
Si7ig this Song.
Am I not in blessed case,
Tr€as%ire and Pleasure to possess f
I tvotdd not ivish no better place,
If I may still have wealthiness :
A nd to enjoy in perfect peace
My lady, lady.
My pleasant pleasure shall increase.
My dear lady.
i
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 293
Helen may not compared he,
Nor Cressicla that was so bright ;
These cannot stain the shine of thee,
Nor yet Minerva of great might.
Thou passest Venus far away,
Lady, lady,
Love thee I will both night and day,
My dear lady.
My inoiise, my nobs, and coney sweet,
My hope and joy, my ivhole delight;
Dame Nature may fall at thy feet.
And may yield to thee her croivn of right.
I will thy body noiv embrace.
Lady, lady ;
And hiss thy sweet and pleasant face ^
My dear lady.
Enter God's VISITATION.
Visit. I am God's minister, called Visitation,
Which divers and many ways you may understand ;
Sometime I bring sickness ; sometime perturbation ;
Sometime trouble and misery throughout the land ;
Sometime I signify God's wrath to be at hand ;
Sometime a forerunner of destruction imminent,
But an executor of pain I am at this present.
Thou insipient fool, that hast followed thy lust,
Disdaining the doctrine declared by Sapience,
In Treasure and Pleasure hath been thy trust.
Which thou thoughtest should remain ever in thy
presence :
Thou never rememb'red'st Thales his sentence.
Who willeth men in all things to keep a measure.
Especially in love to uncertainty of treasure ;
Even now I am come from visiting the Just,
Because God beginneth first with his elect ;
But he is so associated and comforted with Trust,
^94 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
That no kind of impatience his soul can infect.
Contentation in such sort his race doth direct,
That he is contented with God's operation,
Comfortably embracing me his Visitation ;
But now I am come to vex thee Avith pain.
Which makest Treasure thy castle and rock :
Thou shall know that both she and Pleasure is
vain,
And that the Almighty thou canst not mock.
Anguish and grief into thee I do cast,
With pain in thy members continually.
Now thou hast pain, thy pleasure cannot last.
But I will expel him incontinently.
Lust. Cock's heart ! what a pestilence is this !
Depart from me, I sa}'', hence, God's Visitation !
Help, help, Lady Treasure, thou goddess of bliss !
At thy hands let me have some consolation.
Treas. I will remain with you, be out of doubt.
Inc. Will ye be packing, you ill-favoured lout ?
Visit. Presently, indeed from him thou shalt
not go.
And why] because God's "will hath not deter-
mined so ;
But in time thou. Treasure, shalt be turned to rust.
And as for Pleasure he shall now attend on the
Just.
Lust. Gog's wounds ! these pangs increase ever-
more.
Inc. And my little finger is spitefully sore ;
You will not believe how my heel doth ache.
Treas. {to Visitation). Nay, let me alone,
your part I will take.
{To Lust) Be of good comfort, while I here remain ;
For Pleasure and he shall be parted in twain.
Visit. It is not meet that he should be partici-
pate with Lust,
But rather virtuous, godly and just.
THE TKIAL OF TREASURE. 295
Lust. Eemain with me still, Master Pleasure, I
say.
Pleas. Nay, there is no remedy ; I must away ;
For where God doth punition and pain,
I Pleasure in no case cannot remain.
Visit. I could in like case separate thy treasure,
But God doth admonish thee by losing thy pleasure.
[Go out Visitation and Pleasure.
Inc. Farewell, in the devil's name, old lousy
lout.
That my master will die I stand in great doubt.
Ho, ho, ho, how is it with you, Master Lust 1
Lust. By the flesh of Goliah, yet Treasure is
my trust,
Though Pleasure be gone, and I live in pain,
I doubt not but Treasure will fetch him again.
Treas. Yea, that I will, fear not, and with you
remain.
Inc. The property of rich men undoubtedly he
hath.
Which think with money to pacify God's wratli.
And health at their pleasure to buy and to sell.
How is Master Lust, are you anything well 1
Lust. Against this Visitation my heart doth
rebel.
Gog's Avounds ! shall I still in these pangs remain 1
'Treas. Fear you not, Master Lust, I will help
you again.
Treasure in physic exceedeth Galenus :
Tush ! there is no physician but we shall have with
us ;
To the ease of your body they will you bring,
And therefore I pray you despair in no thing ;
Put your trust always in me Lady Treasure,
And I will restore you again unto Pleasure,
For I am the goddess that therein hath power,
Which shall remain perfect unto the last hour.
296 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
Inc. Yea, yea, Master Lust, be as merry as you
may;
Let Treasure be your trust, whosoever say nay.
Enter TiME,
Time. The ancient Greeks have called me
Chronos,
Which in our vulgar tongue signifieth Time ;
I am ent'red in presently for a certain purpose —
Even to turn Treasure to rust and to slime.
And Lust, which hath long disdained the Just,
Ensuing his filthy and vile inclination,
Shall immediately be turned to dust,
To the example of all the whole congregation ;
For Time bringeth both these matters to j)ass.
As experience hath taught in every age,
And you shall behold the same in this glass,
As a document both profitable and sage.
Both Lust and Treasvire come forth with speed
Into the shoj) of the most mighty God,
There shall you be beaten to powder indeed,
And for your abusion feel his scourge and rod.
Inc. By Saint Mary ! then they have made a
wise match,
I pretend therefore to leap over the hatch :
Nay, let me depart, sirs ; stop me not, I say,
For I must remain, though both these decay.
\Go oxif.
Lust. Lust from the beginning frequented hath
been.
And shall I now turn to nothing for thee %
Treas. Treasure in all ages hath been beloved,
And shall she from the earth by thee be removed %
Time. You know that all such things are subject
to time ;
Therefore me to withstand is no reason nor rhyme ;
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 297
For like as all things in time their beginning had,
So must all things in time vanish and fade.
Lust. Gog's wounds, let Treasure remain still
Avith me.
Treas. Yea, let me continue still in my dignity.
Time. Nay, I must carry you into Vulcan's fire.
Where you shall be tried unto the uttermost.
Seeing Lust against Trust did daily conspire.
To dust he shall turn for all his great boast !
Both of you shall have one rigorous host ;
Come therefore with speed, Time cannot tarry :
To the end of your felicity I will you carry.
Treas. If there be no remedy, then there is no
shift.
Lust. He must needs go, that is driven by the
devil's drift ;
Ah ! Cock's precious sides, what fortune is this !
Whither go I now, to misery or bliss ? [Go out.
Enter JuST, leading INCLINATION in his bridle
shackled.
Inc. We — he, he, he, he ! ware the horse-heels,
I say ;
I would the rein were loose, that I might run
away.
Just. Nay, sith thou Avilt not spare against me
to rebel,
I will not spare, by God's grace, thee to bridle ;
All men may see how vile Inclination
Spareth not to put the just to vexation ;
Even so may all men learn of me again,
Thy beastly desires to bridle and restrain.
Inc. Marry, sir, I am bridled indeed, as you
say.
And shackled, I think, for running away ;
This snaffle is sharp indeed for the nonce,
298 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
And these shackles do chafe my legs to the bones ;
And yet will I provoke, spurn and prick,
Rebel, repugn, lash out and kick.
We-he !—
Just. In the jade's name, are ye so fresh ?
This gear, I suppose, will pluck down your flesh.
Nay, soft, thou shalt have a little more pain,
For somewhat shorter now I will tie thy rein.
Enter TRUST and CONSOLATION.
Trust. Most blessed and happy, I say, are the
Even because they restrain their own inclination ;
Thou, therefore, that hast made thy treasure of
trust.
Behold, I have brought thee here Consolation.
Just. Now blessed be God of his mercy and
grace,
With all my heart and soul I do you embrace.
Con. Consolation is my name, even as Trust
hath said.
Which is joy or comfort in this life transitory ;
He that possesseth me is of nothing afraid.
But hath a most quiet and peaceable memory.
For I, through Trust, doth show thee the glory
That God hath prepared for them beforehand.
Wherein at the last they shall perfectly stand.
Trust. Receive this crown of felicity now at
this space.
Which shall be made richer at the celestial place.
Inc. By'r lady, I would I had such a gay crown.
Just. Now praised be God for this riches of re-
nown ;
Felicity, in this world, the just doth enjoy.
[Inc. aside.'] Namely, when the devil can them
not annoy.
i
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 299
[Just.] The Lord's work this is, who be praised
for ever,
Who grant us in his laws still to persever.
Con. Amen, amen ! — God give us delight
In his holy covenant both day and night.
Trust. Our matter is almost brought to an end,
Saving that Inclination in prison must be shut.
Just, carry him forth, that useth to contend,
And see that surely enough he be put.
Just. That shall be done shortly, by God's grace.
Inc. What, soft, I say, me-think ye go a shame-
ful pace ;
Was there ever poor colt thus handled before 1
Fie upon it, my legs be unreasonably sore ;
Well, yet I will rebel, yea, and rebel again,
And though a thousand times you shouldest me re-
strain. [Lead him out.
Enter TiME, ivith a similitude of dust and rust.
Time. Behold here, how Lust is converted into
dust;
This is his image, his wealth and prosperity ;
And Treasure in like case is turned to rust,
Whereof this example showeth the verity.
The Trial of Treasure this is, no doubt.
Let all men take heed that trust in the same,
Considering what things I Time bring about,
And quench out the ungodly, their memory and
fame.
Enter JuST.
Just. Why, and is Lust and Treasure converted
to this ?
Time. Yea, forsooth.
Just. What foolish man in them would put trust,
If this be the final end of their bliss ?
Much better I commend the life of the just.
300 THE TRIAL OF TREASURE.
Con. So it is, no doubt, for they have consola-
tion,
Possessing felicity even in this place ;
I mean, through trust and hope of salvation,
Which setteth out to us God's mercy and grace.
Just. Let all men consider this good erudition.
And not to put confidence in Lust nor Treasure ;
By these two examples receive admonition,
And also of the sudden banishment of Pleasure.
Time. Remember that Time turneth all things
about :
Time is the touchstone the just for to try.
But whereas Lust and Treasure in time is come to
nought,
Just, possessing Trust, remaineth constantly.
So that as I Time have revealed their infamy.
So have I showed the consolation and gain,
That the just shall receive that justly do reign.
Con. We will now no longer trouble this
audience,
Sith somewhat tedious to you we have been ;
Beseeching you to bear all things mth patience,
And remember the examples that you have seen.
Cxod grant them to flourish lively and green,
That some of us the better therefore may be.
Amen, amen ! I beseech the blessed Trinity.
Praij for all Estates.
Take heed in time, and note this well.
Be ruled always by counsel.
Learn of the just to lead thy life.
Being free from envy, wrath, and strife
Presumption, pride, and covetousness,
With all other uncrodliness.
THE TRIAL OF TREASURE. 301
Learn of them always to obey
The Lord's precepts, froni day to day,
That thou mayest walk, as he doth will,
And labour thy fond affects to kill.
Always subdue thy beastly lust,
And in the Lord put hope and trust ;
Bridle thine inclination
By godly conversation.
The counsel of the wise embrace.
The fool's advice do then deface.
Which fast and pray with good delight,
That Adam may be killed quite.
That joy in us may still increase.
That God the Lord may give us peace,
That we may be content with Trust
To have our crown among the just.
LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
EDITIONS.
An Enterlude Intituled Like wil to like quod the Deuel
to the Colier, very godly and Jul of pleasant mirth.
Wierin is declared not onely what punishment fol-
loweth those that wil rather followe licentious lining,
then to esteeme dh folloive good councel: and what great
bene^ts and commodities they receiue that afply them
vnto vertuous lining and good exercises. Made hy
Vlpian Fidwel. Imprinted at Lodon at the long shop
adioyning vnto S. Mildreds Ghurche in the Pultrie hy
John Allde. Anno Domini 1568. 4°. Black letter.
A Pleasant Interlude, d-c. London. Printed by Edward
Allde, cDc. 1587. 4o, Black letter.
A copy of the latter is among Garrick's books at the
Museum.
Of another production by this writer, not of a dra-
matic character, an account will be found in Mr
Collier's "Bibliographical Catalogue," 1865. "Like
will to Like " was Ful well's only performance in this
direction, and is now first reprinted from a copy of the
4to of 1568 in the Malone collection at Oxford. Both
editions are of the highest rarity.
THE NAMES OF THE PLAYERS.
Five may easily flay this Interlude.
The Prologue, ~|
Tom Tosspot, |
I
r
Hankin Hangman, I
Tom Collier. J
Hance, -^
Virtuous Life, |
God's Promise,
cuthbekt cutpurse. j
For
one.
For
one.
^
Lucifer,
Ralph Roister,
Good Fame,
Severity.
Philip Fleming,
Pierce Pickpurse
Honour. -'
NicHOL Nkwfangle, the Vice
^
For
one.
For
an-
other.
VOL. III.
THE PEOLOGUE.
Cicero iu his book De Amieitia these words
doth express,
Saying nothing is more desirous than like is unto
like ;
AVhose words are most true and of a certainty
doubtless :
For the virtuous do not the virtuous' company
mislike.
But the vicious do the virtuous' company eschew :
And like will imto like, this is most true.
It is not my meaning your ears for to weary.
With hearkening what is the'fFect of our matter :
But our pretence ^ is to move you to be merry,
Merrily to speak, meaning no man to flatter.
The name of this matter, as I said whilere.
Is, Like will to Like, quoth the Devil to the Collier.
Sith i>ithy proverbs in our EngHsh tongue doth
abound.
Our author thought good such a one for to choose,
As may show good example, and mirth may eke
be found.
But no lascivious toys he purposeth for to use.
Herein, as it were in a glass, see you may
The advancement of virtue, of vice the decay :
To what ruin ruffians and roisters are brought ;
You may here see of them the final end :
1 [Intention.]
308 THE PROLOGUE.
Begging is the best, though that end be nought ;
But hanging is worse, if they do not amend.
The virtuous life is brought to honour and dignity :
And at the last to everlasting eternity.
And because divers men of divers minds be.
Some do matters of mirth and pastime require :
Other some are delighted with matters of gravity,
To jilease all men is our author's chief desire.
Wherefore mirth with measure to sadness ^ is an-
nexed :
Desiring that none here at our matter will be
perplexed.
Thus, as I said, I will be short and brief.
Because from this dump you shall relieved be :
And the Devil with the collier, the thief that seeks
the thief.
Shall soon make you merry, so shortly you shall see ;
And sith mirth for sadness is a sauce most sweet,
Take mirth then with measure, that best sauceth it.
^ [Seriousness. 1
LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
[/^ereett^ereifANlCHOLNEWFANGLE the Vice,
laughing, and hath a Icnave of clubs in his
hand ivhich, as soon as he speaheth, he
offereth unto one of the men or boys
standing by.
New. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! now like unto like : it will
be none other,
Stoop, gentle knave, and take up your brother.
Why, is it so 1 and is it even so indeed ?
Why then may I say God send us good sj^eed !
And is every one here so greatly unkind.
That I am no sooner out of sight, but quite out of
mind 1
Marry, this will make a man even weep for woe.
That on such a sudden no man will let me know,
Sith men be so dangerous ^ now at this day :
Yet are women kind worms, I dare well say.
How say you, woman? you that stand in the angle,
Were you never acquainted with Nichol Newfangle 1
Then I see Nichol Newfangle is quite forgot,
Yet you will know me anon, I dare jeopard a groat.
Nichol Newfangle is my name, do you not me
know ?
^ [Suspicious.]
310 LIKE WILL TO LIKE,
My whole education to you I shall show.
For first, before I was born, I remember very well,
That my grantlsire and I made a journey into hell ;
Where I was bound prentice before my nativity
To Lucifer himself, such was my agility.
All kinds of sciences he taught unto me :
That unto the maintenances of pride might best
agree.
I learn'd to make gowns with long sleeves and
wings :
I learn'd to^make ruffs like calves' chitterlings,
Caps, hats, coats, with all kind of apparels.
And especially breeches as big as good barrels.
Shoes, boots, buskins, with many pretty toys :
All kind of garments for men, women, and boys.
Know you me now 1 I thought that at the last !
All acquaintance from Nichol Ne^vfangle is not
pass'd.
Nichol Newfangle was and is, and ever shall be :
And there are but few that are not acquainted
with me.
For so soon as my prenticehood was once come out,
I went by and by the whole world about.
[Flere the Devil entereth in, hut he speakethnot yet.
Sancte henedicite, whom have we here 1
Tom Tumbler, or else some dancing bear ?
Body of me, it were best go no near : ^
For ought that I see, it is my godfather Lucifer,
Whose prentice I have been this many a day :
But no more words but mum : you shall hear
what he will say.
[This name LuciFER must he written on his
back and in his breast.
Lu. Ho ! mine own boy, I am glad that thou art
here !
^[Nearer.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 311
New. He speaketh to you, sir, I pray you come
near. [Pointing to 07ie standing by.
Lu. Nay, thou art even he, of Avhom I am well
apaid.
New. Then speak aloof,^ for to come nigh I
am afraid.
Lu. Why so, my boy ■? as though thou diddest
never see me.
New. Yes, godfather, but I am afraid it is now,
as ofttimes it is wdth thee ;
For if my dame and thou hast been tumbling by
the ears,
As oftentimes you do, like a couple of great bears.
Thou carest not whom thou killest in thy raging
mind.
Dost thou not remember, since thou didst bruise
me behind ?
Tliis hole in thy fury didst thou disclose,
That now may a tent be put in, so big as thy nose.
This was, when my dame called thee bottle-nosed
knave,
But I am like to carry the mark to my grave.
Lu. my good boy, be not afraid.
For no such tiling hath happened, as thou hast said.
But come to me, my boy, and bless thee I will.
And see that my precepts thou do fulfil.
New. Well, godfather, if you will say ought to
me in this case.
Speak, for in faith I mean not to kneel to that ill
face.
If our Lady of Walsingham had no fairer nose and
visage,
By the mass, they were fools that would go to her
on pilgrimage.
Lu. Well, boy, it shall not greatly skill,
1 [In the old copy, aloof of .^
312 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
Whether thou stand, or whether thou kneel :
Thou knoAvest what sciences I have thee taught,
Which are able to bring the world to naught.
For thou knowest that through pride from heaven
'^' J was cast, —
Even unto hell, wherefore ^fifi^thou make haste.
Such pride througK'new fashions^ men's hearts
to show ' ■ ■
That those, that use it, may have the like over-
. tlirow.
From virtue procure men to set their minds aside,
^Jtrrd wholly employ it to all sin and pride.
Let thy new-fangled fashions bear such a sway,
That a rascal [may] be so proud as he that best may.
New. Tush, tush, that is akeady brought to pass.
For a very skipjack ^ is prouder, I swear by the
mass,
And seeketh to go more gayer and more brave.
Than doth a lord, though himself be a knave.
Lu. I can thee thank, "^ that so well thou hast
play'd the part ;
Such as do so, shall soon feel the smart.
Sith thou hast thus done, there remaineth behind,
That thou in another thing show thy right kind.^
New. Then, good godfather, let me hear thy
mind.
Lu. Thou knowest I am both proud and arrogant,
And with the proud I will ever be conversant ;
I cannot abide to see men, that are vicious.
Accompany themselves with such as be virtuous
Wherefore my mind is, sith thou thy part canst play.
That thou adjoin like to like alway.
^ [" A dwarfe, dandiprat, little-skipjacke." — Cotg7-afe.']
^ [Can or con thee thank, give thee thanks — a common
expression.]
^ [Nature.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 313
New. I never loved that well, I swear by this
day.
Lu. What, my boy '?
New. Your mind is, sith I fast three meals
every Good Friday,
That I eat nothing but onions and leeks alway.
Lu. Nay, my mind is, sith thou thy part canst
play,
That thou adjoin like to like alway.
New, Tush, tush, godfather Devil, for that have
thou no care :
Thou knoAvest that like "svill to like, quoth the
Devil to the Collier.
And thou shalt see, that such match I shall make
anon.
That thou shalt say I am thy good-good sweet-
sweet godson.
Lu. I will give thee thanks, when thou hast so
done.
Here entereth hi the Collier.
New. Well, godfather, no mo words but mum !
For yonder comes the Collier, as seemeth me.
By the mass, he wall make a good mate for thee.
[The Devil walketh aside.
What, old acquaintance, small remembrance 1
Welcome to town with a very vengeance !
Now welcome, Tom Collier, give me thy hand :
As very a knave as any in England.
Coll. By mass, god-a-marsy, my vreend Nichol I
New. By God, and welcome, gentle Tom Lick-
hole !
Coll. Cham glad to zee thee merry, my vreend
Nichol.
And how dost nowadays, good Nichol 1
New, And nothing else but even plain Nichol 1
314 LIKE WILL TO LIKE,
Coll. I pray thee, tell me how dost, good
vreend Lick-hole 1
New. It is turn'd from Nichol to Lick-hole
with Tom Collier.
I say no more, Tom, but hold thy nose there.
Coll. Nay, hold thy tongue, Nichol, till my
nose doth come,
So thou shalt take part, and I shall take some.
New. Well, Tom Collier, let these things pass
away;
Tell me what market thou hast made of thy coal
to-day 1
Coll. To every bushel cha zold but three
peck:
Lo, here be the empty zacks on my neck.
Cha beguil'd the whoresons, that of me ha' bought ;
But to beguile me was their whole thought.
New. But hast thou no conscience in beguiling
thy neighbour 1
Coll. No, marry, so icli may gain vor my
labour.
It is a common trade nowadays, this is plain,
To cut one another's throat for lucre and gain.
A small vau't ^ as the world is now brought to
pass.
New. Thou art a good fellow, I swear by the
mass :
As fit a companion for the devil as may be.
Lo, godfather Devil, this fellow will match with
thee. [He taketh him by the hand.
Lu. And good Tom Collier thou art welcome
to me.
Coll. God amarsy, good Devil, cham glad of
thy company.
Lu. Like will to like, I see very well.
1 [Fault.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 315
New. Godfather, wilt thou dance a little, before
thee go home to hell 1
Lu. I am content, so that Tom Collier do agree.
Coll. I willneverrefuse (Devil) todauce^\dth thee.
New. Then, godfather, name what the dance
shall be.
Lu. Tom Collie?' of Croydon hath sold his coal.
New. Why then have at it, by my father's soul !
[NiCHOL Newfangle viiist have a gittern or
some other instrument (if it may be) ;
hut if he have not, they must dance about
the 2^luce all three, and sing this song
that folloioeth, ivhich must be done also,
althoicgh they have an instrument.
The Song.
Tom Collier of Croydon hath sold his coals,
And made his market to-day;
And now he danceth with the Devil,
For like will to like alway.
Wherefore let us rejoice and sing,
Let 7ts pe merry and glad ;
Sith that the Collier and the Devil
This match and dance hath made.
Noio of this dance we make an end
With mirth and eke ivith joy :
The Collier and the Devil will be
Much like to like alway.
New. Ha, ha ! marry, this is trim singing,
I had not thought the Devil to be so cunning :
And, by the mass, Tom ColKer [is] as good as he :
I see that like with like will ever agree.
Coll. FareAvell, Master Devil, vor ich must be
gone. [Exit.
316 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
Lu. Why, then, farewell my gentle friend Tom.
New. Farewell, Tom Collier, a knave be thy
comfort ! [jExit ToM COLLIER.
How say'st thou, godfather 1 is not this trim sport 1
Lu. Thou art mine own boy ; my blessing thou
shalt have.
New. By my truth, godfather, that blessing I
do not crave ;
But if you go your way, I will do my diligence
As well in your absence as in your presence.
Lu. But thou shalt salute me, ere I go doubtless.
That in thy doings thou may'st have the better
success.
Wherefore kneel down and say after me :
[He hneeleth down.
When the devil will have it so, it must needs
so be.
New. What shall I say, bottle-nosed godfather,
canst thou tell 1
Lu. All hail, noble prince of hell !
New. All my dame's cows' tail[s] fell down in
the well.
Lu. I will exalt thee above the clouds.
New. I will salt thee, and hang thee in the
shrouds.
Lu. Thou art the enhancer of my renown.
New. Thou art Hance, the hangman of Calais
town.
Lu. To thee be honour alone.
New. To thee shall come our hobbling Jone.
Lu. Amen.
New. Amen.
Lu. Now farewell, my boy, farewell heartily,
Is there never a knave here will keep the Devil
company 1
New. Farewell, godfather, for thou must go
alone :
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 317
I pray thee come hither again anon. [Exit Lucifer.
Marry, here was a benediction of the Devil's good
grace :
Body of me, I was so afraid, I was like to bestench
the place !
My buttocks made buttons of the new fashion.
While the whoreson Devil was making his saluta-
tion.
But, by mass, I am so glad as ever was madge mare,
That the whoreson Devil is joined with the knave
ColHer.
As jBt a match as ever could be pick'd out.
What sayst thou to it, Jone with the long snout 1
[Tom Tosspot cometh in ivith a feather in his hat.
But who comes yonder puffing, as hot as a black
pudding.
I hold twenty pound it is a ruffian, if a goose go
a-gooding.
Tom. Gog's heart and his guts, is not this too bad?
Blood, wounds, and nails ! it will make a man mad.
New. I warrant you, here is a lusty one, [and]
very brave :
1 tliink anon he will swear himself a knave.
Tom. Many a mile have I ridden, and manj' a
mile have I gone :
Yet can I not find for me a fit companion.
Many there be, which my company would frequent.
If to do, as they do, I would be content.
They would have me leave off my pride and my
swearing,
My new-fangled fashions, and leave off" tliis wearing.
But rather than I such companions "s^'ill have,
I will see a thousand of them laid in their grave.
Similis simitem sibi qucerit, such a one do I seek,
As unto myself in every condition is like.
New. Sir, you are welcome ; ye seem to be an
honest man,
318 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
And I will help you in this matter, as much as I
can,
If you will tarry here a while, I tell you in good
sooth,
I will find one as fit for you as a pudding for a
friar's mouth.
Tom. I thank you, my friend, for your gentle
offer to me :
I pray you tell me, what your name may be.
New. Methink, by your apparel you have had
me in regard ;
I pray you, of Nichol Newfangle have you never
heard 1
Tom. Nichol Newfangle 1 why, we are of old
acquaintance !
New. By my troth, your name is quite out of
my remembrance.
Tom. At your first coming into England, well I
wot.
You were very well acquainted with Tom Tosspot.
New. Tom Tosspot 1 Sancti ! amen ! how you
were out of my mind !
Tom. You know, when you brought into England
this new-fangled kind,
That Tosspots and ruffians with you were first ac-
quainted ?
New. It is even so, Tom Tosspot, as thou hast
said.
Tom. It is an old saying, that mountains and
hills never meet ;
But I see that men shall meet, though they do not
seek ;
And, I promise you, more joy in my heart I have
found,
Than if I had gain'd an hundred pound.
New. And I am as glad as one had given me a
groat.
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 319
That I have met now with thee, Tom Tosspot.
And seeing that thou wouldst a mate so fain have,
I will join thee with one, that shall be as very a
knave
As thou art thyself, thou may'st believe me :
Thou shalt see anon, what I will do for thee.
For you seek for as very a knave, as you yourself
are ;
For, like will to like, quoth the Devil to the Collier.
Tom. Indeed, NicholNewfangle, ye say the verity.
For like will to like : it will none otherwise be.
Enter Ealph Koister,
Behold, Tom Tosspot, even in pudding time ^
Yonder cometh Ealph Roister, an old friend of
mine !
By the mass, for thee he is so fit a mate,
As Tom and Tib for Kit and Kate,
Now welcome, my friend Ralph Eoister, by the
mass.
Ralph. And I am glad to see thee here in this
place.
New. Bid him welcome hark, he can play a
knave's part.
Tom. My friend, you are welcome with aU my
heart.
Ralph. God-a-mercy, good fellow, tell me what
thou art.
New, As very a knave as thou, though the best
be too bad :
Tom, I am one, which of your company would
be very glad,
^ [A tolerably early example of the use of this saying,
which may have taken its rise from the custom of having a
pudding as the first dish on the table, and may conse-
quently be equivalent to betimes.']
320 LIKE WILL TO LIKE,
Ralph. And I will not your company refuse of
a certainty,
So that to my conditions your manners do agree.
Tom. It should appear by your sayings, that we
are of one mind,
For I knoAv that roisters and tosspots come of one
kind ;
And as our names be much of one accord, and
much like.
So I think our conditions be not far unlike.
Ralph. If your name to me you will declare and
show,
You may in this matter my mind the sooner know.
Tom. Few words are best among friends, this is
true ;
Wlierefore I shall briefly show my name unto you.
Tom Tosspot it is, it need not to be painted :
Wherefore I with Ralph Roister must needs be
acquainted.
New. In faith, Ralph Roister, if thou vnlt be
ruled by me.
We will dance hand in hand, like knaves all three :
It is as unpossible for thee his company to deny,
As it is for a camel to creep through a needle's
eye.
Therefore bid him welcome, like a knave as thou
art.
Ralph. By my troth, Tom Tosspot, you are wel-
come "vvdth all my heart.
Tom. I thank you that my acquaintance ye will
take in good part.
And by my troth, I will be your sworn brother :
New. Tush, like will to like : it will be none
other.
For the virtuous will always virtue's company seek
out :
A gentleman never seeketh the company of a lout ;
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 321
And roisters and ruffians do sober company eschew :
For like will ever to like, this is most true.
Ealph. Now, friend Tom Tosspot, seeing that
we are brethren sworn,
And neither of our companies from other may be
forborne.
The whole trade of my life to thee I will declare.
Tom. And to tell you my property also I shall
not spare.
New. Then, my masters, if you will awhile abide
^ it,
Ye shall see two such knaves so lively described
That, if hell should be raked even by and by in-
deed,
Such another couple cannot be found, I swear by
my creed.
Go to, sirs, say on your whole minds,
And I shall paint you out in your right kinds.
First, Tom Tosspot, plead thou thy cause and thy
name.
And I M-ill sit in this chair, and give sentence on
the same.
I will play the judge, and in this matter give judg-
ment :
How say you, my masters, are you not so content 1
Ealph. By my troth, for my part, thereto I do
agree.
Tom. I were to blame, if any fault should be in me.
New. Then that I be in office, neither of you do
grudge 1
Both. No, indeed.
New. "VVliere learn'd you to stand capp'd before
a judge 1
You souterly ^ knaves, show you all your manners
at once ?
1 [Clownish or rude, like a cobbler, from souter, a cobbler.]
VOL. III. X
322 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
Ralph. Why, Nichol, all we are content.
New. And am I plain Nichol 1 and yet it is in
my arbitrement
To judge which of you two is the verier knave.
I am Master Nichol Newfangle, both gay and brave ;
For, seeing you make me your judge, I trow,
I shall teach you both your liripup ^ to know.
[He fk/htefh.
Tom. Stay yourself, sir, I pray you heartily.
Ralph. I pray you, be content, and we will be
more mannerly.
New. Nay, I cannot put up such an injury ;
For, seeing I am in office, I will be knoAvn therefore :
Fend your heads, sirs, for I will to it more once.
[Ilefif/htet/i again.
Ralph. I pray you be content, good gentle
Master Nichol :
Tom. I never saw the like, by Gog's soul.
New. Well, my masters, because you do intend
To learn good manners, and your conditions to
amend,
I will have but one fit more, and so make an end.
Ralph. I pray you, sir, let us no more contend.
New. Marry, this hath breathed me very well :
Now let me hear, how your tales ye can tell.
And I (master judge) will so bring to pass.
That I will judge who shall be knave of clubs at
Christmas. -
Tom. Gog's wounds, I am like Phalaris, that
made a bull of brass —
New. Thou art like a false knave now, and ever-
more was.
' [A word of somewhat uncertain meaning and of obscure
origin. See Halliwell ?>. Liripoops.^
^ [Tliis is an allusion worth noting; the editor does not
recollect to have met with it before.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE, 323
Tom. Nay, I am like Phalaris, that made a bull
of brass,
As a cruel torment for such as did offend,
And he himself first therein put was :
Even so are "vve brought now to this end,
In ordaining him a judge, who will be honoured as
a god,
So for our own tails we have made a rod.
Ralph. And I am served as Haman, that pre-
par'd — ■
New. How was he served, I pray thee, do me tell ?
Ralph. AVho I speak of? thou knowest Avell,
New. Thou art served as Harry Hangman,
captain of the black guard.
Ralph. Nay, I am served as Haman, that prepared
A high pair of gallows for Mordecai the Jew,
And was the first himself that thereon was hanged :
So I feel the smart of mine own rod, this is true.
But hereafter I will learn to be wise,
And ere I leap once, I will look twice.
New. Well, Tom Tosspot, first let me hear thee.
How canst thou prove thyself a verier knave than
hel
Tom. You know that Tom Tosspot men do me
cain
New. a knave thou hast ahvays been, and ever-
more shall.
Tom. My conditions, I am sure, ye know as well
as I.
New. a knave thou was born, and so thou shalt
die.
Tom. But that you are a judge, I would say unto
you,
Knaves are Christian men, else you Avere a Jew.
New. He calls me knave by craft, do you not see 1
Sirrah, I will remember it, when you think not on me.
Well, say what thou canst for thine own behoof ;
324 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
If thou provest thyself the verier knave by good
proof,
Thou must be the elder brother, and have the
patrimony ;
And when he hath said, then do thou reply.
Even Thomas-a-Waterings or Tyburn Hill ^
To the falsest thief of you both, by my father's will !
Ealph. I pray you, sir, what is that patrimony 1
New. I pray you leave your courtesy, and I will
tell you by and by.
If he be the more knave, the patrimony he must
have,
But thou shalt have it, if thou prove thyself the
verier knave ;
A piece of ground it is, that of Beggars' manor
do[th] hold.
And whoso deserves it, shall have it, ye may be
bold—
Call'd Saint Thomas-a- Waterings or else Tyburn
Hill,
Given and so bequeathed to the falsest by will.
Tom. Then I trow I am he, that this patrimony
shall possess.
For I Tom Tosspot do use this trade doubtless :
From morning till night I sit tossing the black
bowl,-
Then come I home, and pray for my father's soul.
Saying my prayers with wounds, blood, guts, and
heart :
Swearing and staring, thus play I my part.
If any poor man have in a whole week earn'd one
groat.
He shall spend it in one hour in tossing the pot.
' [The two places chiefly used for executions, after the
discontinuance of the Elms in Smithfield ]
^ [The leathern drinking vessel, generally called a jacl:.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 325
I use to call servants and poor men to my company,
And make them spend all they have unthriftily ;
So that my company they think to be so good,
That in short space their hair grows through their
hood.
New. But will no gossips keep thee company
now and then 1
Tom. Tush, I am accjuainted Avith many a woman.
That with me will sit in every house and place ;
But then their husbands had need fend their face.
For when they come home, they will not be afeard.
To shake the goodman, and sometime shave his
beard.
And as for Flemish ^ servants I have such a train.
That will quass and carouse, and therein sjiend
their gain.
From week to week I have all this company ;
Wherefore I am Avorthy to have the patrimony.
New. Thus thou may'st be called a knave in
grain ;
And where knaves are scant, thou shalt go for
twain.
But now, Ealpli Eoister, let me hear what thou
canst say.
Kalph. You know that Ealph Eoister I am
called alway.
And my conditions in knavery so far doth sur-
mount,
That to have this patrimony I make mine account,
For I entice young gentlemen all virtue to eschew.
And to give themselves to riotousness, this is true.
Serving-men also by me are so seduced,
That all in bravery their minds are confused.
1 [The Flemings or Dutch (for the two seem to have been
pretty generally confounded) had a great reputation here,
like the Danes afterwards, for habits of excessive drinking.]
326 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
Then, if tliey have not themselves to maintain,
To pick and to steal they must be fain.
And, I may say to you, I have such a train,
That sometime I pitch a field on Salisbury plain. ^
And much more, if need were, I could say verily :
Wherefore I am worthy to have the patrimony.
New. He, that shall judge tliis matter, had
need have more wit than I ;
But, seeing you have referred it unto my arbitre-
ment.
In faith I will giA^e such equal judgment,
That both of you shall be well-pleased and content.
Tom. Nay, I have not done, for I can say much
more.
New. Well, I will not have you contend any
more.
But this farm, which to Beggars' manor doth
appertain,
I will equally divide between you twain.
Are you not content, that so it shall be 1
Both. As it pleaseth you, so shall we agree.
New. Then see, that anon ye come both unto me.
Ralph. Sir, for my part, I thank you heartily :
I promised of late to come unto a company,
Which at Hob Filcher's for me do remain :
God be with you, and anon I will come again.
Tom. Farewell, brother Ralph, I will come to
you anon. [Uxit ToM.-
New. Come again, for you shall not so suddenly
be gone.
^ [Salisbury plain was formerly one of the resorts of foot-
pads, who infested the place in small bodies, and waylaid
travellers.]
^ [The entrances and exits in this piece are so imperfectly
marked, that it is often difficult to be sure about them. It
seems to be Tom Tosspot who goes out now ; but if so, he
soon returns, though his re-entry is not recorded.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 327
Here entereth Hance tvith a pot, and singetli as
folloiveth.
See ye not who comes yonder ? an old friend of yours :
One that is ready to qiiass at all hoiu-s.
\^He singeth the first tivo lines, and speaheth
the rest as stammeringly as may he.
Quass in heart, and quass again, and quass abozit the
house-a :
And toss the black howl to and fro, and I brinks ^ them
all carouse-a.
Be go-go-gog's nowTis, cli-cli-cha drunk zo-zo-much
to-day :
That be-be-mass, cli-cham a-most drunk, ich da-da-
dare zay.
Cliud spe-spe-spend a goo-goo-good groat :
Tha-that ich cud vi-vind my ca-ca-captain To-To-
Tom Tosspot. \IIe setteth him in the chair.
New. Sit down, good Hance, lest thou lie on
the ground,
He kuoweth not Tom Tosspot, I dare jeopard
twenty pound.
ToM.2 He will know me by and by, I hold you
a crown.
How dost thou, servant Hance 1 how comes this
to pass 1
Hance. Ma-ma-master To-To-Tom, ch-ch-cham
glad by-by mass — [//e drinketh.
Ca-ca-carouse to-to-to thee, go-go-good Tom.
New. Hold up, good Hance, T will pledge thee
anon.
1 [Drink.]
2 [Tom seems to have gone out and returned, as observed
above.]
328 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
Kalph. Well, there is no remedy, but I must be
gone.
Hance. Ta-ta-tarry, good vellow, a wo-wo-word
or twain :
If tho-tho-tliou thyself do-do-do not come again.
Bi-bi-bid Philip Fleming co-co-come hither to me,
Vo-vo-vor he must lead me home, now ich do ze.
Ealph. Then, farewell, Hance, I will remember
thy errant :
He will be here by and by, I dare be his warrant.
[Exit Ralph Eoister.
New. Farewell, Ralph Eoister, with all my
heart :
Come anon, and I "mil deliver thee thy part.
ToJi. Now, Hance, right now thou drank'st to
me.
Drink again, and I will pledge thee.
Hance. Omni 2^0-po-po-teMi, all the po-po-pot is
empty.
New. Why, Hance, thou hast Latin in thy belly
methink :
I thought there was no room for Latin, there is so
much drink !
Hance. Ich le-le-learned zome La-La-Latin,
when ich was a la-la-lad :
Ich ca-ca-can zay Tu es nehulo, ich learn'd of my dad.
And ich could once he-he-help the j^-p-priest to say
mass :
By giss, ma-man, ich ha' been cu-cu-cunning, when
'twas.
Tom. I knew Hance, when he was, as he say'th :
For he was once a scholar in good faith ;
But through my company he was withdrawn from
thence.
Through his riot and excessive expense.
Unto this trade, which now you do in him see :
So that now he is wholly addicted to follow me ;
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 329
And one of my guard he is now become.
Well, Hance, well, thou wast once a white son ! ^
New. 'Now, so God help nie, thou art a pretty
fellow, Hance ;
A clean-legged gentleman, and as proper a paunch,
As any I know between this and France.
Hance. Yes, by-by-by God, ich co'd once dance.
New. I speak of no dancing, little-bellied Hance ;
But, seeing thou say'st thou canst so well dance,
Let me see where thou canst dance lively.
Hance. Tha-tha-that ca-ca-can I do vull trimly.
[He danceth as evil-favotired as may he de-
viised, and in the dancing he falleth
doivn, and ivhen he riseth, he must groan.
New. Eise again, Hance, thou hadst almost got
a fall :
But thou dancest trimly, legs and all.
Body of me, Hance, how doth thy belly, canst thou
tell 1
By the mass, he hath beray'd his breeches, methink
by the smell.
Tom. I will help thee up, Hance, give me thy
hand. [He riseth.
' Hance. By-by mass, ch-ch-chwas almost down,
I think ve-verily.
New. Wast thou almost down, Hance ? marry,
so think I,
But thou art sick, metlijnk by the groaning :
He grunts like a bear, when he is a-moaning.
Hark, how his head aches, and how his pulses do
beat :
I think he "will be hang'd, his belly is so great.
Hance. Go-Go-God-amercy, good Tom, with all
my heart :
^ A term of endearment. A commoner form is whitt
hoy.
330 LIKE WILL TO LIKE,
New. If thou canst not leap, Hance, let me see
thee drink a quart,
And get thee out abroad into the air.
Tom. Tush, he had more need to sleep in this
chair.
Sit down, Hance, and thou shalt see anon,
Philip Fleming will come to fetch thee home.
[Hance sitteth in the chair, andmorteth, as
though he were fast asleep.
New. I pray thee, Tom Tosspot, is this one of
thy men ?
Tom. He is a companion of mine now and then.
New. By the faith of my body, such carpenter,
such chips.
And as the wise man said, such lettuce, such lips.
For, like master, like man : like tutor, like scholar ;
And, like will to like, quoth the Devil to the Collier.
Tom. It is no remedy, for it must needs so be ;
Like will to like, you may believe me.
[Philip Fleming enterethivith a pot in his hand.
New. Lo, where Philip Fleming cometh even in
pudding time !
Tom. He bringeth in his hand either good ale or
else good wine.
Philip Fleming singeth these four lines
folloivivg :
Troll the howl and drink to me, and troll the Howl
again,
And puta brown toast in [the^ 2yot for Philip Fleming's
brain.
And I shall tose it to and fro, even ?'0und about the
house-a :
Good hostess, noiv let it he so, I brink them all
carouse-a.
Philip. Marry, here is a pot of nopjjy good ale.
As clear as crystal pure and stale.
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 331
NoAV a crab in the fire Avere worth a good groat,
Tliat I might quass witli my captain Tom Tosspot.
Whati I can no sooner wish, but by and by I
have !
God save mine eyesight, methink I see a knave.
What, captain ! how goeth the world with you 1
Why, now I see the old proverb to be true ;
Like will to like, both with Christian, Turk, and
Jew.
Marry, Philip, even as I was Avont to do :
Philip. Ralph Roister told me that I should find
Hance here,
AVhere is he, that he doth not appear 1
New. I hold twenty pound the knave is blind.
Turn about, Philip Fleming, and look behind.
Hast thou drunk so much that thy eyes be out 1
Lo, how he snoreth like a lazy lout.
Go to him, for he sleepeth sound :
Two such paunches in all England can scant be
found.
Philip. Why, Hance, art thou in thy prayers
so devoutly 1
Awake, man, and we two will quass together
stoutly.
Hance. Domine, domimis noster ;
Me-think ich a spied three knaves on a cluster.
New. Stay a while, for he sayeth his pater noster.
Hance. Sanctum henedictum, what have I
dreamed 1
By Gog's nowns, chad thought ich had been in my
bed.
Chad dreamed such a dream, as thou wilt marvel
to hear,
Me-thought I was drowned in a barrel of beer.
And by and by the barrel was turned to a ship,
Which me-thought the wind made nicely to skip.
And I did sail therein from Flanders to France :
332 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
At last icli WHS brought hither among a sort of
knaves by chance.
New. Lo,Hance, here is Philip Fleming comenow,
We will go drink together now, how say'st thou 1
Hance. I pray thee, good Vilip, now lead me
away :
Philip. Give me thy hand, and I will thee stay.
Hance. How say you, Master Nichol, will you
keep us company ?
New. Go before, Master Lick-hole,^ and I will
come by and by.
Mates matched together, depart you three ;
I will come after, you may believe me.
[The// three are gone together, and NiCHOL
NeWTANGLE remaineth behind, hut he
must not speak till they he tvithin.'\
New. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha !
He sings.
Now three knaves are gone, and I am left alone,
Myself here to solace;
Well doiie, gentle J one, why hegin you to moan 1
Though they he gone, I am in place.
And now will I dance, and now ivill I prance,
For why I have none other u'orTc :
Snip snap, butter is no bone meat :
Knave^s flesh is no p)ork.
Iley tisty-ioisty, an oivl is a bird,
Jachanapes hatli an old face;
Yoti may believe ine at one hare ivord,
How like yov. this merry case ?
1 [Nichol had previously addressed the Collier as Master
JAch-liole ; but as the Collier is not on the stage, it is clear
that he here applies the same bye-name, rhythmi causd, to
Hance.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 333
A piece of ground they think they have found,
I will tell you what it is :
For I them told of Beggars^ manor it did hold,
A staff and a tvallet i-ivis.
Which in short space, even in this place,
Of vie they shall receive :
For ivhen that their drift hath spent cdl their thrift,
Their minds I shcUl deceive.
J trow you shall see more knaves come to me,
Which whensoever tltey do.
They shall have their 7need, as they deserve indeed,
As you shall see shortly these tivo.
Wlien they do pretend to have had a good end,
Mark well, then, ivhat shall ensue :
A bag and a bottle, or else a rope knottle,
IViis shall they prove too true.
But 7nark well this game, I see this gear frame ;
Lo, tvho Cometh now in such haste ?
It is Cuthbert Cidpurse
And Pierce Fickpurse,
Give room now a little cast.
Here entereth CUTHBERT CuTPURSE and PlERCE
PiCKPURSE,
[Cuthbert Cutpurse mtist have in his hand a
purse of money or counters in it, and a
knife in one hand and a tvhetstone in the
other ; and PlERCE must have money or
coxvnters in his hand and jingle it, as he
Cometh *'«.]
CuTH. By Gog's wounds, it doth me good to the
heart,
To see how cleanly I play'd this part.
WTiile they stood thrusting together in the throng,
334 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
I began to go them among ;
And with this knife, which here you do see,
I cut away this purse cleanly.
New. See to your purses, my masters, and be
ruled by me,
For knaves are abroad, therefore beware.
You are warn'd : and ye take not heed, I do not
care. [Aside,
Pierce. And also, so soon as I had espied
A woman in the throng, whose purse was fat,
I took it by the strings, and cleanly it untied :
She knew no more of it than Gib our cat.
Yet at the last she hied apace.
And said, that the money in my hand she saw.
Thou whore, said I, I will have an action of the case.
And seeing thoii say'st so, I will try the law.
CuTHB. How say'st thou. Pierce Pickpurse, art
thou not agreed
These two booties equally to divide 1
Then let us count the total sum,
And divide it equally, Avhen we have done.
New. My masters, here is a good fellow, that
would fain have some.
CuTHB. What, Nichol Newfangle, be you here 1
So God help me, I am glad with all my heart.
Pierce. Then, ere we depart, we will have some
cheer.
And of this booty you shall have your ^^art.
New. I thank you both even heartily,
And I will do somewhat for you by and by :
Are not you two sworn brothers in every booty 1
Both. Yes, that we are truly.
New. Then can I tell you news, which you do
not know :
Such news as will make you full glad, I trow.
But first tell me this. Pierce Pick})urse,
Whether is the elder, thou or Cuthbert Cutpurse ?
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 335
PlEKCE. In faith, I think we are both of one age
Avell nigh.
CUTHB. I suppose there is no great difference,
truly :
But wherefore ask you 1 I pray you, tell me why 1
New. I will tell you the cause without any
delay :
For a piece of land is fallen, as I hear say.
Which by succession must come to one of you :
A proper plot it is, this is most true.
For thou, Cuthbert Cutpurse, was Cuthbert Cut-
throat's son,
And thou. Pierce Pickpurse, by that time thou hast
done,
Canst derive thy pedigree from an ancient house :
Thy father was Tom Thief, and thy mother was
Tib Louse.
This piece of land, whereto j^ou inheritors are,
Is called the land of the two-legged mare ; ^
In Avhich piece of ground there is a mare indeed.
Which is the quickest mare in England for speed.
Therefore, if you will come anon unto me,
I will put you in possession, and that you shall see.
CuTHB. I cannot believe that such luck is
happen'd to us.
New. It is true, that I to you do discuss.
Pierce. If you will help us to this piece of
ground.
Both of us to you shall think ourselves bound.
New. Yes, in faith, you shall have it, you may
believe me ;
I will be as good as my Avord, as shortly you shall
see.
Cu iHB. Then, brother Pierce, we may tliink our-
selves happy,
1 [The gallows.]
336 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
That ever we were with him acquainted.
Pierce. Even so we may of a certainty,
That such good hick unto us hath hajjpened.
But, brother Cuthbert, is it not best
To go in for awhile, and distribute this booty ?
Whereas we three will make some feast,
And quass together, and be merry.
CuTHB. What say you, Nichol 1
New. I do agree.
Here entereth VlRTUOUS LIVING.
But, soft, awhile be ruled by me,
Look, yonder a little do you not see,
Who Cometh yonder 1 awhile we will abide ;
Let him say his pleasure, and we will stand aside.
V. L. gracious God, how wonderful are thy
works,
How highly art thou of all men to be praised :
Of Christians, Saracens, Jews, and also Turks,
Thy glory ought to be erected and raised.
What joys hast thou prepared for the virtuous life.
And such as have thy name in love and in awe ;
Thou hast promised salvation to man, child, and
wife,
That thy precepts observe, and keep well thy law.
And to the virtuous life what doth ensue 1
Virtuiis premium honor, Tully doth say ;
Honour is thy guerdon for virtue due.
And eternal salvation at the latter day.
How clear in conscience is the virtuous life !
The vicious hath consciences so heavy as lead.
Their conscience and their doing is alway at strife ;
And altogether they live yet to sin they are dead.
New. God give you good-morrow, sir, how do
you to-day 1
V. L. God bless you also both now and alway.
T pray you, with me have you any acquaintance 1
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 337
New. Yea, marry, I am an okl friend of yours,
perchance.
V. L. If it be so, I marvel very much,
That the duhiess of my wit should be such.
That you should be altogether out of my memory.
Tell me your name, I pray you heartily.
New. By the faith of my body, you will appose
me by and by ,-
But, in faith, I was l)ut little when I was first
born;
And my mother to tell me my name thought it
scorn.
V. L. I will never acquaint me with such in any
place,
As are ashamed of their names, by God's grace.
New. I remember my name now, it is come to
my mind :
I have mused much, before I could it find.
Nichol Newfangle it is ; I am your old friend.
V. L. My friend 1 marry, I do thee defy,
And all such comj)any I do deny.
For thou art a companion for roisters and ruffians,
And not fit for any virtuous companions.
New. And, in faith, art thou at plain defiance 1
Then I see I must go to mine old acquaintance.
AVell, Cuthbert Cutpurse and [Pierce] Pickpurse,
we must go together ;
For, like will to like, quoth the Devil to the Collier.
V. L. Indeed, thou say'st true, it nuist needs
be so.
For like will ever to his like go ;
And my conditions and thine so far do disagree,
That no familiarity between us may be.
For thou nourishest vice both day and night :
My name is Virtuous Life, and in virtue is my
delight.
So vice and virtue cannot together be united ;
VOL. III. Y
338 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
But the one the other hath always spited.
For as the water quencheth fire, and the flame doth
suppress,
So virtue hateth vice, and seeketh a redress.
Pierce. Tush, if he be so dangerous, let us not
him esteem,
And he is not for our company, I see very well ;
For if he be so holy, as he doth seem,
We and he diff"er as much as heaven and hell.
New. You know, that like will to like alway,
And you see how liolily he is now bent :
To seek his company why do Ave assay 1
Pierce. I promise you, do you what you will,
I do not consent :
For I pass not for him, be he better or be he worse.
New. Friend, if you be wise, beware your purse.
For this fellow may do you good Avhen all comes
to all ;
If you chance to lose your purse in Cutpurse Hall.
But, in faith, fare ye well, sitli of our company you
be weary :
We will go to a place, where we will be merry.
For I see your company and ours do far diff"er ;
For like will to like, quoth the Devil to the Collier.
CuTHB. Well, let us be gone, and bid him adieu :
For I see this j^roverb proveth very true.
Pierce. Then let us go to Hob Filcher's house.
Where we will be merry, and quass carouse.
And there shall we find Tom Tosspot, with other
mo,
Meet makes for us : therefore let us go.
Then, seeing we are all of one mind,
Let us three go, and leave a knave here behind.
[Exeunt NEW., Cuthb., a7id PiERCE.
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 339
They sing this song ^ as tliey go out from the place.
Good hostess, lay a crab in the fire, and broil a mess
of sotise-a :
That we may toss the boivl to and fro, and brinks
them all carouse-a.
And I will pledge Tom Tosspot, till I be drunk as a
mouse-a :
Whoso ivill drink to me all day, I tvill pledge them
all carouse-a.
Then we ivill not spare for any cost, so long as ive be
in house-a :
Then, hostess, fill the pot again, for I i^ledge them
all carouse-a.
[When this is spoken, V. LIVING must pause
a wldle, and then say as followeth.
wicked imps, that have such delight,
In evil conversation Avicked and abhoninable :
And from virtue's lore "withdraw yourselves quite,
And lean to vice most vile and detestable.
How prone and ready Ave are vice to ensue 1
How deaf we be good counsel to hear 1
HoAv strange Ave make it our hearts to renew 1
HoAV little we have God's threats in fear 1
Saint Augustine say'th in his fifth book, De
Civitate Dei,
Conjtmctce sunt cedes Virtutis et Honoris, say'th he ;
The houses of virtue and honour joined together be.
And so the Avay to honour's house is disposed.
That through virtue's house he must needs pass :
1 [The song is divided between the three, each singing
two lines, and the division is marked ; but the name of the
singer in each case is not given.]
340 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
Or else from honour he shall soon be deposed,
And brought to that point, that he before was.
But if through virtue honour be attained :
The path to salvation may soon be gained.
Some there be, that do fortune prefer ;
Some esteem pleasure more than virtuous life.
But in my opinion all such do err ;
For virtue and fortune be not at strife.
Where virtue is, fortune must needs grow :
But fortune without virtue has soon the over-
throw.
Thrice happy are they, that do virtue embrace,
For a crown of glory shall be their reward :
Satan at no time may him anytliing deface,
For God over him will have such regard.
That his foes he shall soon tread under foot ;
And by God's permission j)luck them up by the
root.
It booteth not vice against virtue to stir,
For why vice is feeble and of no force :
But virtus eterna preclaraque habetur.
Wherefore I would all men would have remorse.
And eschew evil company vile and pernicious :
Delight in virtuous men, and hate the vicious.
And as the end of virtue is honour and felicity,
So mark well the end of wickedness and vice !
Shame in this world and pain eternally.
Wherefore you, that are here, learn to be \d%e,
And the end of the one with the other weigh,
By that time you have heard the end of this play.
But why do I thus much say in the praise of
virtue,
Sith the thing praiseworthy needs no praise at all I
It praiseth itself sufficiently, this is true,
Which chaseth away sin as bitter as gall ?
And where virtue is, it need not to be praised,
For the renown thereof shall soon be raised.
LIKE WILL TO LIKE, 341
Intrat GoOD FamK
G. F. Virtuous Life, God rest you merry,
To you am I come for to attend.
V. L. Good Fame, ye are welcome heartily.
I pray you, who did you hither send 1
G. F. Even God's Promise hath sent me unto
you,
Willing me from you not to depart :
But always to give attendance due,
And in no wise from you to start.
For God of his promise hath most liberally
Sent me Good Fame to you Virtuous Life ;
Whereby it may be seen manifestly,
God's great zeal to virtue both in man and wife.
For why they may be sure, that I, Good Fame,
From the virtuous life will never stray :
Whereby honour and renown may grow to their
name.
And eternal salvation at the latter day.
V. L. God is gracious and full of great mercy
To such as in virtue set their whole delight :
Pouring his benefits on them abundantly.
O man, what, meanest thou with thy Saviour to fight 1
Come unto him, for he is full of mercy.
The fountain of virtue and of godliness the spring :
Come unto him, and thou shall live everlastingly ;
He doth not require thee any price to bring.
Venite ad me omnes qui laboratis et onerati
Est is, et ego refossilabo vos.
Come unto me, ye that travail (say'th he)
And such as with sin are hea\'ily loden :
And of me myself refreshed you shall be.
Repent, repent, your sins shall be downtrodden —
Well, Good Fame, sith God of his goodness
Hath liither sent you on me to attend.
Let us give thank to him wth humbleness,
342 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
And persuade with all men their lives to amend.
G. F. Virtuous Life, I do thereto agree,
For it becometh all men for to do so.
Intrat God's Promise, and Honour with him.
But, behold, yonder cometh God's Promise, as
seemeth me ;
And Honour with him cometh also.
V. L. Such godly company pleaseth me very well ;
For vicious men from our company we should expel.
G. P. God rest you merry both, and God be
your guide.
Honour. We are now come to the place where
we must abide.
For from you, Virtuous Life, I Honour may not slide.
G. P. I am God's Promise, which is a thing eterne,
And nothing more surer than his promise may be :
A sure foundation to such as will learn
God's precepts to observe : then must they needs see
Honour in this world, and at last a crown of glory;
Ever in joy and mirth, and never to be sorry.
Wherefore, Virtuous Life, to you we do repair,
As messengers from God, his promise to fulfil ;
And therefore sit you down now in this chair,
For to endue you with honour is God's promise
and will.
[Virtuous Living sitteth down in the chair.
Honour. Now take this sword in hand as a
token of victory.
This crown from my head to you I shall give :
I crown you with it as one most worthy,
And see that all vice ye do punish and grieve,
For in this world I Honour with you shall remain.
And Good Fame from you cannot refrain :
And after this life a greater crown you shall attain.
G. F. What heart can think, or what tongue can
express
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 343
The great goodness of God, which is ahnighty ?
Who seeth this, and seeks not vice to suppress,
Honour, Good Fame, yea, and life everlastingly 1
Thy name be praised, Lord, therefore.
And to thee only be glory and honour !
Sith God's Promise hath brought honour into place,
I will for a while leave you three alone :
For I must depart now for a little space ;
But I shall come to you again anon.
[Exit Good Fajie.
V. L. God's Promise is infallible, his word is
most true ;
And to ground thereon a man may be bold :
As Scripture doth testify and declare unto you,
On which foundation your building you may behold.
For virtuous rulers the fruit of felicity do reap :
And reward of fame and honour to themselves
they heap.
Honour. Seeing we have now endued him with
the crown and the sword,
Which is due unto him by God's promise and
word.
Let us three sing unto God with one accord.
G. P. To sing praises unto God it liketh well me.
V. L. And I also with you do thereto agree.
A pleasant noise to God's ears it must needs bring,
That God's Promise, Honour, and Virtuous Life
do sing.
They sing this Song following.
Life is but short, hope not therein;
Virtue immortal seek for to win..
Whoso to virtue doth apply.
Good fame and honour must obtain.
And also live eternally,
For virtuous life this is the gain.
Life is but, d:c.
344 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
GocVs promise snre will never fail ;
His holy word is a perfect ground ;
The fori of virtue, man, assail,
Where treasure always doth abound.
Life is hut, etc.
To thee alone he laud and praise,
Lord, that are so merciful :
Who never failed at all assays.
To aid and help the p)itiful.
Life is hut, etc.
[LJjceunt omnes.
[Here entereth in NlCHOL Newfangle, and
y hringeth in ivith him a bag, a staff, a bottle,
and two halters, going about the place,
showing it unto the audience, and singeth
thus .-]
1 1 1
1 1 1
rD a a 1 1
r3 a • 1 1
1 i
1 1
Trim mer-chandise, trim trim : trim mer-chandise, trim trim.
[He may sing this as oft as he thinlceth good.^
Marry, here is merchandise, who so list for to l)uy
any :
Come, see for your love, and buy for your money,
This is land, which I must distribute anon,
According to my promise, ere I be gone,
For why Tom Tosspot, since he went hence,
Hath increased a noble just imto nine-pence,^
And Ralph Eoister, it may no otherwise be chosen,
1 {To hring a nolle to nine-pence, was a proverbial expression
for the idle dissipation of money.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 345
Hath brought a pack of wool to a fair pair of hosen.
This is good thrift, sirs, learn it who shall.
And now a couple of fellows are come from Cut-
purse Hall;
And there have they brought many a purse to wrack.
Lo, here is gear that will make their necks for to
crack.
For I promised Tom Tosspot and Ealph Roister a
piece of land :
Lo, here it is ready in my right hand :
A wallet and a bottle ; but it is not to be sold.
I told them before, that of Beggar's Manor it did
hold,
And for Cuthbert Cutpurse and Pierce Pickpurse
here is good fare :
This is the land of the two-legged mare,
Whicli I to them promised, and [to] divide it with
discretion :
Shortly you shall see I will put them in possession.
How like you tliis merchandise, my masters 1 Is it
not trim 1
A wallet, a bottle, a staff, and a string,
How say'st thou, Wat Waghalter"? Is not this a
trim thing 1
In faith, Ralph Roister is in good case, as I suppose ;
For he hath lost all that he hath, save his doublet
and his hose.
And Tom Tosspot is even at that same point ;
For he Avould lose a limb or jeopard a joint ;
But, behold, yonder they come both, now all is
gone and sjient,
I know their errand, and what is their intent.
346 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
[Here enter eth in RALPH RoiSTER and TomTosspot
in their doublet and their hose, and no cap nor hat
on their head, saving a nightcap, because the strings
of the beards may not be seen, and RALPH ROIS-
TER must curse and ban as he cometh in}^
Ralph. Well, be as be may, is no banning ;
But I fear that, when that this gear shall come to
scanning,
The land to the which we did wholly trust :
Shall be gone from us, and we cast in the dust.
Tom. Gog's blood, if Nichol Newfangle serve
us so,
We may say, that we have had a shrewd blow ;
For all that I had is now lost at the dice.
My sword, my buckler, and all at sink and cise ; ^
My coat, my cloak, and my hat also ;
And now in my doublet and my hose I am fain to go.
Therefore, if Nichol Newfangle help not now at a
pinch
I am undone, for of land I have not an inch.
Ralph. By Gog's wounds, even so is it now with me,
I am in my doublet and my hosen, as you see :
For all that I had doth lie at pledge for ale.
By the mass, I am as bare as my nail,
Not a cross of money to bless me have I ;
But I trow we shall meet Nichol Newfangle by
and by.
[Nichol Newfangle comes forward.
New. Turn hither, turn hither, I say, sir knave,
For I am even he, that you so fain would have.
Ralph. What, Master Nichol, are you here all
this while ?
1 [It appears from what is afterwards said in the piece,
that thoy do not see Newfangle, who has probably retired to
the back of the stage.]
^ [Five and Six, a game at cards or dice.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 347
New. I think I am here, or else I do thee he-
guile.
Tom. So God help me, I am glad that you be in
sight ;
For in faith yourpresence hath made my heart light.
New. I will make it lighter anon, I trow.
[A nde.
My masters, I have a piece of land for you, do you
knoAv ?
Ealph. Marry, that is the cause of our hither
resort.
For now M'e are void of all joy and comfort.
Tom. You see in what case we noAV stand in,
And you heard us also even noAv, I ween,
Wherefore, good Master Nichol, let us have this
land now.
And we shall think ourselves much bound unto
you.
New. You know, that I this land must divide,
Which I shall do ; but a while abide.
All thy goods for ale at pledge be {to Tom),
And thou {to Ralph) say'st a pair of dice have made
thee free.i
First, Ralph Roister, come thou unto me,
Because thou hast lost every whit at dice,
[lie giveth the hag to R. RoiSTER, and the
bottle to Tom Tosspot.
Take there this bag to carry bread and cheese,
And take thou this bottle, and mark Avliat I shall
say:
If he chance to eat the bread and cheese by the way,
Do thou in this matter follow my counsel,
Drink up the drink, and knock him about the head
with the l)ottle :
And because that Ralph is the elder knave,
^ [i.e., Destitute of money.]
348 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
This staff also of me he shall have.^
Ralph. But where is the land, that to us you
promised 1
New, In faith, good fellows, my promise is per-
formed.
Tom. By Gog's blood, I thought that it wouldbe so.
New. This must you have, whe'r you will or no.
Or else fall to work with shovel and with spade ;
For begging now must be your chiefest trade.
Ralph. Gog's heart, can I away^ with this
life?
To beg my bread from door to door ?
I will rather cut my throat with a knife,
Than I will live thus beggarly and poor.
By Gog's blood, rather than I will it assay,
I will rob and steal, and keep the highway.
Tom. Well, Ralph Roister, seeing we be in this
misery.
And labour we cannot, and to beg it is a shame ;
Yet better it is to beg most shamefully.
Than to be hanged, and to thievery^ ourselves frame.
New. Now, my masters, learn to beware ;
But like will to like, quoth the Devil to the ColUer.
Ralph. Lord, why did not I consider before,
What should of roisting be the final end.
Now the horse is stolen, I shut the stable-door.
Alas, that I had time my life to amend !
Time I have, I must needs confess ;
But yet in misery that time must be spent :
Seeing that my life I would not redress ;
But wholly in riot I have it all spent :
Wherefore I am now brought to this exigent.
But the time pass'd cannot be called, this is no nay.
1 [The 4to of 1587 reads, thou shalt have.'[
2 [The 4to of 1568 has way.]
3 [The 4to of 1568 has the every.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 349
Wherefore all here take example by me :
Time tarrieth no man, but j^asseth still away ;
Take time, while time is, for time doth flee ;
Use well your youthly years, and to virtuous lore
agree.
For if I to virtue had any respect,
This misfortune to me could not have chanced ;
But because unto vice I was a subject,
To no good fame may I be now advanced.
My credit also is now quite stanched.
Wherefore I would all men my woful case might see.
That I to them a mirror might be.
Tom. all ye parents, to you I do say :
Have respect to your children and for their educa-
tion.
Lest you answer therefore at the latter day.
And your meed shall be eternal damnation.
If my parents had brought me up in virtue and
learning,
I should not have had this shameful end ;
But all licentiously Avas my up-bringing,
Wherefore learn by me your faults to amend.
But neither in virtue, learning, or yet honest trade.
Was I bred up my living for to get :
Therefore in misery my time away must vade ;
For vicious persons behold now the net.
I am in the snare, I am caught Avith the gin ;
And now it is too late, I cannot again begin.
New. This gear would have been seen to before.
But now, my masters, you are on the score.
Be packing, I say, and get you hence ;
Learn to say : I pray, good master, give me nine-
pence.
Ealph. Thou, villain, art only the causer of tliis
woe;
Therefore thou shalt have somewhat of me, or ere
I 20.
350 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
Tom. Thou hast given me a bottle here ;
But thou shalt drink first of it, be it ale or
beer.
[Kalph Roister heateth him with his staff,
and Tom Tosspot with his bottle.
Ralph. Take this of me, before I go hence.
Tom. Take that of me in part of recompense.
New. Now am I driven to play the master of
fence.
Come no near ^ me, you knaves, for your life,
[They have him doivn, and heat him, and he
crieth for help.
Lest I stick you both with this woodknife.
Back, I say ! back, thou sturdy beggar !
Body of me, they have ta'en away my dagger.
Ralph. Now, in faith, you whoreson, take heed,
I you advise.
How you do any more young men entice.
Tom. Now, farewell, thou hast thy just meed.
Ralph. Now we go abegging, God send us good
speed !
[Ralph Roister and Tom Tosspot go out.
and Severity, the judge, entereth, and.
Nichol NewfANGLE lieth on the ground
groaning.
Sev. That upright judgment without partiality
Be minist'red duly to ill-doers and offenders !
I am one, whose name is Severity,
Appointed a judge to suppress evil-doers,
Not for hatred nor yet for malice :
But to advance virtue and suppress vice.
Wherefore Isodorus these Avords doth say :
Non est Judex, si in eo non est Justitia /
He is not a judge that Justice doth want,
But he that truth and equity doth plant.
^ [Nearer.]
I
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 351
Fully also these words doth express,
Which words are very true doubtless.
Semper iniquus est judex, qui aut invidet aut favet :
They are unrightful judges all,
That are either enA'ious or else partial.
NE^Y. Help me up, good sir, for I have got a fall.
Sev. What cause have you, my friend, thus
heavily to groan 1
New. sir, I have good cause to make great
moan ;
Here were two fellows but right now.
That (I think) have killed me, I make God a
vow.
I pray you, tell me, am I alive or am I dead 1
Sev. Fellow, it is more meet for thee to be in
thy bed.
Than to lie here in such sort as thou dost.
New. In faith, I should have laid some of the
knaves in the dust,
If I had had your SAvord right now in presence ;
I would have had a leg or an arm, ere they had gone
hence.
Sev. Who is it that hath done thee this injury ?
New. a couple of beggars have done me this
villainy.
Sev. I see, if severity should not be executed,
One man should not live by another.
If such injuries should not be confuted.
The child would regard neither father nor mother
Give me thy hand, and I shall help thee.
New. Hold fast your sword then, I pray you
heartily. [He riseth.
Sev. Now, friend, it appeareth unto me,
That you have been a traveller of the country
And such as travel do hear of things done,
As well in the country, as the city of London.
How say you, my friend, can you tell any news
352 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
New. That can I, for I came lately from the
stews.
There are knaves ahroaJ, you may believe me,
As in this place shortly you shall see.
No more words, but mum, and stand awhile aside :
Yonder cometh two knaves ; therefore abide.
Intrat C. CUTPURSE and PlERCE PiCKPURSE.
CuTHB. By Gog's wounds, if he help not now,
we are undone :
By the mass, for my part, I wot not whither to run.
Pierce. We be so pursu'd on every side
That, by Gog's heart, I wot not where to abide.
CuTHB, Every constable is charged to make
privy search ;
So that, if we may be got, we shall be thrown over
the perch.
Pierce. If Nichol Newfangle help us not now
in our need,
We are like in our business full evil to speed.
Therefore let us make no delay.
But seek him out of hand, and be gone away.
Severity and K Newfangle come foriuard.
New. Soft, my masters, awhile I you pray ;
For I am here, for whom you do seek ;
For you know that like will never from like.
I promised you of late a piece of land,
Which by and by shall fall into your hand.
CuTHB. What, Master Nichol ! how do you to-day "?
Pierce. For the passion of God, Master Nichol,
help to rid us away ;
And help us to the land, whereof you did say,
That we might make money of it by and by ;
For out of the realm we purpose to fly.
New. Marry, I will help you, I swear by All
Hallows :
7
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 353
And will not part from you, till you come to the
gallows.
Lo, noble Severity, these be they without doubt.
On whom this rumour of thievery ^ is gone about,
Therefore, my masters, here is the snare.
That shall lead you to the land, called the two-
legged mare.
[lie inMeih about each of their necks a halter.
Sev. My friend, hold them fast even in that
plight.
New. Then come, and help me with your sword ;
for I fear they will fight.
Sev. Strive not, my masters ; for it shall not
avail ;
But awhile give ear unto my counsel.
Your own words hath condemned you for to die ;
Therefore to God make yourselves ready.
And by and by I will send one, which for your
abusion.
Shall lead you to the place of execution.
New. Help to tie their hands, before ye be gone.
[Sev. helpetJi to tie them.
Sev. Now they are bound, I will send one to you
anon. [Exit.
New. Ah, my masters, how like you this play ?
You shall take possession of your land to-day !
I will help to bridle the two-legged mare,
And both you for to ride need not to spare.
Now, so God help me, I swear by this bread,
I marvel who shall play the knave, when you
twain be dead.
CuTHB. O cursed caitiff, born in an evil hour,
Woe unto me, that ever I did thee know.
For of all iniquity thou art the bow'r ;
The seed of Satan thou dost always sow.
[} The 4to of 1 568 has, as before, the every. ]
VOL. in. Z
354 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
Thou only hast given me the overthrow.
Woe worth the hour, wherein I was born !
Woe worth the time that ever I knew thee !
For now in misery I am forlorn ;
0, all youth take example by me ;
Flee from evil company, as from a serpent you
would flee ;
For I to you all a mirror may be.
I have been daintily and delicately bred,
But nothing at all in virtuous lore :
And now I am but a man dead,
Hanged I must be, which grieveth me full sore.
Note well the end of me therefore ;
And you that fathers and mothers be.
Bring not up your children in too much liberty.
Pierce. Sith that by the laAv we are now
condemned.
Let lis call to God for his mercy and his grace ;
And exhort that all vice may be amended.
While we in this world have time and space.
And though our lives have licentiously been spent,
Yet at the last to God let us call ;
For he heareth such as are ready to repent.
And desireth not that sinners should fall.
Now are we ready to suffer, come when it shall.
Here entWeth, in Hankin Hangman.
New. Come, Hankin Hangman, let us two cast
lots,
And between us divide a couple of coats :
Take thou the one, and the other shall be mine.
Come, Hankin Hangman, thou cam'st in good
time. [They take of the coats, and divide them.
Hankin. Thou should'st have one, Nichol, I
swear by the mass,
For thou bringest work for me daily to pass ;
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 355
And through thy means I get more coats in one
year,
Than all my living is worth beside, I swear.
Therefore, Nichol Newfangle, we vnW depart never:
For like will to like, quoth the Devil to the Collier.
New. Now, farewell, Hankin Hangman, farewell
to thee.
Hankin. Farewell, Nichol Newfangle : come
you two with me.
[Hankin ffoeth out, and leadeth the one in his
right hand, and the other in his left,
liaving halters about their necks.
New. Ha, ha, ha ! there is a brace of hounds,
well worth a dozen crowns,
Behold the huntsman leadeth away !
I tliink in twenty towns, on hills, and eke on downs.
They taken have their prey.
So well liked was their hunting on hill and eke on
mountain.
That now they be up in a lease : ^
To keep within a string, is it not a gay thing ?
Do all of you hold your peace ?
Why then, good gentle boy, how likest thou this
play?
No more, but say thy mind : ,
I swear by this day, if thou wilt this assay,
I will to thee be kind.
This is well brought to pass of me, I swear by the
mass :
Some to hang, and other some to beg :
I would I had Balaam's ass to carry me, where I
was;
How say you, little Meg 1
Kalph Roister and Tom Tosspot, are now not
worth a groat,
' [Leash.]
356 LIKE WILL TO LIKE.
So well with them it is :
I would I had a pot, for now I am so hot ,
By the mass, I must go piss.
Philip Fleming and Hance have danc'd a pretty
dance.
That all is now spent out.
And noAv a great mischance came on while they
did prance :
They lie sick of the gout.
And in a 'spital-house, with little Laurence louse,
They be fain for to dwell :
If they eat a morsel of souse, or else a roasted
mouse.
They think they do fare well.
But as for Peter Pickpurse, and also Cuthbert
Cutpurse,
You saw them both right now :
With them it is much worse, for they do ban and
curse ;
For the halter shall them bow.
Now if I had my nag, to see the world wag,
I would straight ride about :
Ginks, do fill the bag : I would not pass a rag
To hit you on the snout.
The Devil entei^eth.
Lu. Ho, ho, ho ! mine own boy, make no more
delay,
But leap up on my back straightway.
New, Then who shall hold my stirrup, while I
go to horse 1
Lu. Tush, for that do thou not force !
Leap up, I say, leap up quickly.
New. Woh, Ball, woh ! and I will come by and by.
Now for a pair of spurs I would give a good groat !
To try whether this jade do amble or trot.
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 357
Farewell, my masters, till I come again.
For now I must make a journey into Spain.
[He rideth aivay on the Devil's bach. Here
entereth Virtuous Life and Honour.
V. L. worthy diadem, O jewel most precious,
virtue, which dost all worldly things excel :
How worthy a treasure thou art to the virtuous 1
Thy praise no pen may write, nor no tongue tell.
For I, who am called Virtuous Life,
Have in this world both honour and dignity :
Immortal fame of man, child and wife,
Daily waiteth and attendeth on me.
The commodity of virtue in me you may behold,
The enormity of vice you have also seen :
Therefore now to make an end we may be bold,
And pray for our noble and gracious Queen.
Honour. To do so, Virtuous Life, it is our
bounden duty ;
And because we must do so, before we do end,
To aid us therein, Good Fame cometh verily,
Wliich daily and hourly on you doth attend.
Here entereth GoOD Fame.
G. F. Virtuous Life, do what you list :
To pray or to sing I will you assist.
V. L. Lord of hosts, King Almighty,
Pour down thy grace upon our noble Queen !
Vanquish her foes (Lord), that daily and nightly
Through her thy laws may be sincerely seen.
Honour. The honourable council also (0 Lord)
preserve, *
The lords both of the clergy and of the temporality :
Grant that with meekness they may thee serve,
Submitting to thee with all humility.
G. F, Lord, preserve the Commons of this
realm also ;
358 LIKE WILL TO LIKE,
Pour upon them thy heavenly grace ;
To advance virtue and vice to overthrow,
That at last in heaven with thee they may have
place.
AMEN.
A Song.^
Where like to like is a-matched so,
That virtue must of force decay :
There God with vengeance, plagiies and woe,
By judgment just must needs repay.
For, like to like, the worldings cry :
A Ithough both likes do grace defy.
And where as Satan plaiited hath
In vicious minds a sinful trade :
There like to like do walk his path,
By which to him like they are made.
So like with like reward obtain.
To have their meed in endless pain.
Likeivise in faith, where matches he,
And where as God hath planted grace :
There do his childreti still agree,
And like to like do run their race.
Like Christ, like hearts of Christian men :
As like to like ivell-coupled then.
Therefore like grace, like faith and love.
Like virtue, springs in each degree :
Where like assistance f^om above
Both make them like so right to be.
A holy God, a Christ most just :
A nd so like soids in him to triist.
1 [This song is divided by a paragraph-mark between
Virtuous Life and the other speakers ; but the names are
not given, and the mode of distribution is consequently
uncertain.]
LIKE WILL TO LIKE. 359
Then like as Christ above doth reign,
In heaven high our Saviour best :
So like with him shall be our gain,
In peace and joy, and endless rest.
If we ourselves like him do frame.
In fear of his most holy name.
To him be praise, that grace doth give,
Whereby hefashioneth us anew :
And make[s^ «s holily to live,
Like to himself in faith most true.
Which our redemption s^ire hath wroxight :
Like him to be most dearly bought.
FINIS.
END OF VOL. III.
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES
THE UNIVERSITY LIBRARY
This book is DUE on the last date stamped below
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