3-E 
 
 Southern Branch 
 of the 
 
 University of California 
 
 Los Angeles 
 
 Form L 1 
 
 vnio 
 
 v.v
 
 V 
 
 This book is DUE on the last date stamped below 
 
 OCT 22 192S 
 ^ 1 793(j' 
 
 Form L-9-5m-7,'23

 
 He&d /rtnn HeretLLmetim; tvhether Japitcr Toiiaiis, c 
 a[ T^pnos, ckubtvtt. 
 
 /o&> entire, >/*Juiio Ivueina . 
 
 ef . 
 
 Catfeftht {ffr &<?o/ f/ie Jnfin f Hercules. 
 c%^ Caduceus ^Mercuiius
 
 THE DRAMATIC 
 
 WO R K s 
 
 o F 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq. 
 
 In FOUR VOLUMES. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 CONTAIN ING 
 
 TASTE, 
 AUTHOR, 
 LY A R, 
 
 ORATORS, 
 
 AND 
 
 PATRON. 
 
 f BRA 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for P.VAILLANT, J.RIVINGTON, T. CADELE, 
 W. NICOLL, and S, BLADON. 
 
 m

 
 TASTE. 
 
 A 
 
 C O M E D Y, 
 
 Of TWO ACTS. 
 
 As it is Acled at the 
 
 Theatre-Royal in Drury-Lane. 
 
 By SAMUEL F Q O T E, Elq.' 
 
 e rich in ancient Brafs, tbo' not in Gold, 
 And keep his Lares, tbo' his Houfe btfold-, 
 To beadlefs Phoebe bis fair Bride pojlpone', 
 Honour a Syrian Prince above hit own ; 
 Lord of an Otho, /// vouch it true ; 
 Btejl in one Niger, till be knows of t\vo. 
 
 POPE'S Dunciad. 
 
 The FIFTH EDITION. 
 
 LONDON 
 
 Printed for T. LOWNDES, in Fleet-Jlreet ; and 
 
 W, NICOLL, in St. Paul's Church Tard. 
 
 M DCCLXXXI. 
 
 [ Price One Shilling. 1
 
 PR 
 
 34 4, 1 
 
 T O 
 
 Francis Delaval, Efq, 
 
 "W IT T H E N I confider the long Intimacy 
 YY that has fubfifted betwixt us, the Ob- 
 ligations I owe to your generous, dif- 
 interefted Friendship, and the Protection and 
 Encouragement I received both from you and 
 your Brother, when Neceffity lifted me in the 
 Service of the Public ; there is no Man to 
 whom with equal Propriety and Pleafure I can 
 addrefs the following Work. It would be pay- 
 ing a bad Compliment to the Town, were I 
 to trouble you with an Apology for the In- 
 confiderablenefs of the Prefent. I thought it 
 worthy their Attention, and confequently not 
 beneath the Acceptance of my Friend. With 
 the Aid of a Love- Plot I coulc} havefpun out 
 the Piece to the Extent of Five Acls ; but be- 
 fides that I wanted to confine the Eye to the 
 fingle Object of my Satire, I declare myfelf a 
 A 3 Rebel
 
 vi DEDICATION. 
 
 Rebel to this univerfal Tyrant, who, not con- 
 tented with exciting all that is pitiful or terri- 
 ble in human Nature, has claimed the Privi- 
 lege of occasioning every thing that is ridicu- 
 lous or contemptible in it ; and thus, from the 
 abject Submiffion of our dramatic Poefs, is both 
 Tragedy and Comedy fubjected to the Power of 
 Love. It may be thought prefumptuous in 
 me to have dignified fo fhort a Performance 
 with the Name of a Comedy ; but when my 
 Reafons why it cannot be called a Farce are 
 confidered, the Critics muft indulge me with 
 the Ufe of that Title ; at leaft till they can 
 furnifh me with a better. As the Follies and 
 Absurdities of Men are the fole Objects of 
 Comedy, fo the Powers of the Imagination 
 (Plot and Incident excepted) are in this Kind 
 of Writing greatly retrained. No unnatural 
 Affemblages, no Creatures of the Fancy, can 
 procure the Proteaion of the Comic Mufe ; 
 Men and Things muft appear as they are. 
 It is employed either in debaiing lofty Sub- 
 jects, or in raifmg humble Ones. Of the two 
 Kinds we have Examples in the Tom Thumb of 
 
 Mr. F , and a Traveftie of the Ul\j/es, 
 
 where Penelope keeps an Ale-houfe, Telema- 
 chus\$* Tapiter, and the Heroe a Recruiting 
 Serjeant. In both thefe Instances you fee 
 Nature is rcverfed; but as I flatter myfelf in 
 the following Sheets her Steps have been trode 
 with an undeviating Simplicity, give me leave
 
 DEDICATION. vil 
 
 to hope, that though I have not attained the 
 Togata, yet I have reached the Tabernaria of 
 the Romans. I once intended to have thrown 
 into this Addrefs, the Contents of many of our 
 Conventions on the Subject of Comedy, for 
 in whatever Difiipations the World may fup- 
 pofe our Days to have been confumed, many, 
 many Hours have been conlecrated to other 
 Subjects than generally employ the Gay and 
 the Giddy. I hope the prefent Occafion will 
 demonftrate, that Pleafure has not been always 
 my Purfuit; and unlefs I am greatly miftaken, 
 it willfoon be difcovered, that, joined to the 
 acknowledged heft Heart in the World, Mr. 
 De/ava! has a Head capable of directing it. 
 As I am now above the Reach of common 
 Obligations, an Acknowledgment of thefe 
 Qualities, in the Perfon of a Man who has 
 honoured me with his r 1 riendfhip, is the fole 
 Caufe of the Trouble you now receive. Long 
 has been our Union, may it never be divided 
 till the fatal Stroke, that demolifhes all fub- 
 lunary Connections, (hall reach One of us, 
 vvhich One will, I hope, be 
 
 Tour obliged* and 
 
 affettionate Servant, 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE.
 
 ( viii ) 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 /Was always apprehenfve that the Subjeft 
 of the following Piece was too abjlraftcd 
 and fingular for the Comprehenfion of a mixd 
 Jljfembly. Juno Lncina, Jupiter Tonans, 
 Phidias, Praxiteles, with the other Gentlemen 
 and Ladies of Antiquity, were, I dare fay, ut- 
 terly unknown to my very good Friends of the 
 Gallery ; nor, to fpcak the Truth, do I believe 
 they had many Acquaintances in the other Parts 
 oj the Houfe. But thu I defpair of gratifying 
 the Popnlum Tributim oj /^THEATRE, yet 
 I flatter myfelf the Primores Popnli will find me 
 no dtfagr cable Compa/iion in the Clofet y et fatis 
 magnum Theatrum mihi ejftis. 
 
 / was neither prompted by a lucrative, nor 
 an ambitious Motive to this Undertaking. My 
 Defign was to jerve a Man, who had ever great 
 Merit with his Friends, and to whom, on the 
 Score of /owe late Tranfattions, 1 think the Pub- 
 lic vajily indebted. That my good Intentions 
 for Mr. WORSDALE have proved fuccefl- 
 jul, is intirely owing to the Generofity and 
 Humanity of the Managers of Drury-Lane 
 THEATRE; they have given him a Benefit, 
 5 and
 
 P R E F A C E. v I 
 
 x 
 
 and are jointly entitled to my ^Thanks; but as to 
 Mr. GARRICK, / have more perfonal Ob- 
 ligations. I take this Opportunity of ajjuring 
 him, that I Jhall ever retain the moft grateful 
 Remembrance of his AJJiflance, Ajjlduity, and 
 kind Concern, at the Birth, Progrefs, and un- 
 timely End of this my lajl and favourite Ojf- 
 fpring. 
 
 The Objefts of my Satire were fuch as I 
 thought, whether they were confidered in a mo- 
 ral, a political, or a ridiculous Light, deferved 
 the Notice of the Comic IVtufe. I was deter- 
 mined to brand thofe Goths in Science, who had 
 pro/lituted the ufeful Study of Antiquity to tri- 
 Jling fuperficial Purpofes ; who had blafted the 
 Progrefs of the elegant Arts among/I us, by 
 unpardonable Frauds and abfurd Prejudices ; 
 and who had corrupted the Minds and Morals 
 of our Touth, by pe^fuading them, that what 
 only ferves to illiterate Literature was true 
 Learning, and active Idlenefs real Bufinefs. 
 How far this End has been obtained, is now, in 
 the following Sheets ^ more generally fubmitted to. 
 the Public. 
 
 PROLOGUE.
 
 (*) 
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 Written by Mr. G A R R I C K, 
 
 And fpoken by him in the Character of an 
 Auctioneer. 
 
 T)E FORE this Court, /PETER PUFF appear y 
 J~* A Briton born, and bred an Auctioneer; 
 
 Who for myfelfy and eke a hundred others. 
 My ufeful, hone/I, learned bawling Brothers, 
 With much Humility and Fear implore ye, 
 To lay our prefent defp'rafe Cafe before ye.^ 
 
 'Tisfaid this Night a certain Wag intendf 
 To laugh at us, our Calling and our Friends : 
 If Lordf and Ladies, andfuch dainty Folks, 
 Are cur^d of Auction-hunting by his Jokes ! 
 Should this odd Doftrinefpread throughout the Land y 
 Before you buy, be fure to understand. 
 Oh ! think on us what various Ills will flow, 
 When great Ones only purchafe what they know^ 
 Why laugh at TASTE ? // is a harmlefs Fajhion, 
 And quite fubdiies each detrimental PaJJion ; 
 The Fair Ones Hearts will ne'er incline fojfo* , 
 While thus they rage for China and 'Japan. 
 The Virtuofo, foo, and Connoifleur, 
 Are e'ver decent, delicate, and pure ; 
 Thefmallejl Hair their loofer Thoughts might hold, 
 }uft warm whenfingle, and when married, cold : 
 Their Blood at Sight of Beauty gently flaws ; 
 Their Venus ni'ift be old, and want a Ncfe ! 
 No am'rous P.ijjion with deep Knmledv thrives ; 
 'Tisthe Complaint, indeed, of all our Wives.'
 
 PROLOGUE. xi 
 
 Tit /aid Virtu tofuch a Height is grown, 
 
 All Artifts are encourag'd but our own. 
 
 Be not deceived, I here declare on Oath, 
 
 I never yet fold Goods of foreign Growth: 
 
 Ne'er fent Commijjions cut to Greece or Rome ; 
 
 My beft Antiquities are made at Home. 
 
 I've Romans, Greeks, Italians near at band, 
 
 True Britons al/^-and living in the Strand. 
 
 / ne'er for Trinkets rack my Pericranium, 
 
 They furnifo out my Room from Herculaneum. 
 
 But hujh- 
 
 Should it be known that Englifh arc employ* d, 
 
 Our Manufacture is at once dejlrofd ; 
 
 No Matter what our Countrymen deferve, 
 
 They'll thrive as Ancients, but as Moderns Jtarve 
 
 Jfwefoouldfall to you it will be owing; 
 
 Farewell to Arts they're going, going going ; 
 
 The fatal Hammers in your Hand, oh Town! 
 
 Thenfet Us up and knock the POET down. 
 
 Dramatis
 
 Dramatis Perfonse, 1753* 
 
 Carmine, 
 
 Puff, 
 
 Brufli, 
 
 Novice, 
 
 Lord Dupe, 
 
 Alderman Pentweazel, 
 
 Caleb, 
 
 Boy, 
 
 Lady Pentweazel, 
 
 Mr. Palmer. 
 Mr. Yates. 
 Mr. Crofs. 
 Mr. Blakes. 
 Mr. Shuter. 
 Mr. Tafwell. 
 Mr. Coftollo. 
 Majler Crofs. 
 Mr. Worfdale.
 
 TASTE. 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
 A C T I. 
 
 SCENE 1. A Painting Room. 
 Enttr CARMINE, followed by the Boy. 
 
 CARMINE.TT AY thefe Colours in the 
 Window, by the Pallet. 
 * * Any Vilitors or MefTages ? 
 Boy. 'Squire Felltree has been here, and 
 infifts upon Mifs Racket's Pictures being im- 
 mediately finifh'd, and carry'd Home As 
 
 to his Wife and Children, he fays, you may 
 take your own Time.
 
 2 TASTE. 
 
 Carm. Well 
 
 Boy. Here has been a Meflage too, from 
 
 my Lady Pen I can't remember her 
 
 Name, but 'tis upon the Slate. She defines 
 to know if you will be at Home about 
 Noon. 
 
 Carm. Fetch it. (Exit Boy. 
 Was the Whole cf our Profeffion confined to 
 the mere Bufmefs of it, the Employment 
 would he pleafing as well as profitable ; but 
 as Matters are now managed, the Art is the 
 laft Thing to be regarded. Family Connec- 
 tions, private Recommendations, and an eafy, 
 genteel Method of Flattering, is to fupply the 
 Delicacy of a Guido, the Colouring of a Ru- 
 bens, and the Defign of a Raphael all their 
 
 Qualities centring in one Man, without the 
 firft Requifites, would be ufelefs ; and with 
 thefe, one of them, is neceflary. 
 
 Enter Boy with the Slate. 
 
 Carm. Let's fee Oh! Lady Pent- 
 
 weazel from Blo-abladder-Jlreet*- Admit 
 
 her by all Means; and if Puff or Varmjh 
 mould come, I am at Home. (Exit Boy. 
 Lady Pentweazel! ha ! ha ! Now here's a 
 Proof that Avarice is not the only, or laft 
 
 Paffion old Age is fubjeft to this fuper- 
 
 annuated Beldame gapes for Flattery, like 
 
 aNeft
 
 TASTE. 3 
 
 a Neft of unfledg'd Crows for Food ; and 
 with them, too, gulps down every Thing 
 
 that's offer'd her no Matter how coarfc; 
 
 well, fhe fhall be fed; I'll make her my 
 introductory Key to the whole Bench of Al- 
 dermen. 
 
 Enter Boy 'with Puff. 
 
 Boy. Mr. Puff, Sir, 
 
 Carm. Let us be private. What have you 
 there ? 
 
 Puff* Two of Rembrandt's Etching by 
 Scrape, in Mays Buildings ; a paltry Affair, a 
 Poor Ten Guinea Jobj however, a fmali 
 
 Game you know the Proverb What 
 
 became of you Yeflerday ? 
 
 Carm. I was detained by Sir Pofitroe Bub- 
 ble. How went the Pictures ? The Guido* 
 what did that fetch ? 
 
 Puff. One hundred and thirty. 
 
 Carm. Hum ! Four Guineas the Frame* 
 Three the Painting ; then we divide juft One 
 hundred and Twenty-three. 
 
 Puff. Hold not altogether fo faft 
 
 Varnijh\&& Two Pie.ces forbidding againft 
 Squander; and Brujh five, for bringing Sir 
 Tawdry Trijie. 
 
 Carm. Mighty well; look ye, Mr. Puff', 
 if thefe People are eternally quarter'd upon 
 
 us,
 
 4 TASTE. 
 
 us, I declare off, Sir; they eat up the Profit. 
 
 There's that damn'd Brufb but you'll 
 
 find him out. I have upon his old Plan given 
 him Copies of all the Work I executed upon 
 his Recommendation ; and what was the 
 Confi-quence ? He clandeftinely fold the Co- 
 pies, and I have all the Originals in my 
 Lumber-Room. 
 
 Puff. Come, come, Carmine, you are no 
 great Lofer by that. Ah! that Lumber- 
 Room ! that Lumber-Room out of Repair, 
 is the bed condition' d Eftate in the County 
 of Middiefex. Why now there's your Su- 
 Jannuh j it could not have produc'd you above 
 Twenty at moft, and by the Addition of your 
 Lumber-Room Dirt, and the falutary Appli- 
 cation of the Spaltham Pot, it became a 
 Guido, worth a Hundred and thirty Pounds; 
 berdes, in all Traffick of this Kind, there 
 muft be Combinations. -VarnrJJy and Brujk 
 are our Jackalls, and it is but fair they fhould 
 partake of the Prey. Courage, my Boy/ 
 never fear! Praife be to Folly and Falhion, 
 there are, in this Town, Dupes enough to 
 gratify the Avarice of us all. 
 
 Carm. Mr. Puff, you are ignorant and fcur- 
 rilous, and very impertinent, Mr. Pujf\ and 
 Mr. Puff, 1 have a ftrange Mind to leave yoa 
 toyourielves, and then fee what a Hand you 
 
 would make of it Sir, if 1 do now and 
 
 then
 
 TASTE. 5 
 
 then add fome Tincts of Antiquity to my 
 Pictures, I do it in Condefcenfion to the 
 Foible of the World; for, Sir, Age, Age, Sir, 
 is all my Pictures want to render 'em as good 
 Pieces as the Mafters from whom they are 
 taken ; and let me tell you, Sir, he that took 
 my Sufannab for a Guido, gave no mighty 
 Proofs of his Ignorance, Mr. Puff'. 
 
 Puff- Why, thou Poft-painter, thou Dau- 
 ber, thou execrable White-wamer, thou 
 
 Sirrah, have you fo foon forgot the wretched 
 State from whence I dragg'd you. The firft 
 Time 1 fet Eyes on you, Rafcal ! what was 
 your Occupation then ? Scribbling, in fcarce 
 legible Letters, Coffee, Tea, and Chocolate on 
 a Bawdy-houfe Window in Goodmans Fields. 
 
 Carm. The Meannefs of my Original de- 
 xnonftrates the Greatnefs of my Genius. 
 
 Puff. Genius ! Here's a Dog. Pray, how 
 high did your Genius foar ? To the daubing 
 diabolical Angels for Alehoufes, Dogs with 
 Chains for Tanners Yards, Rounds of Beef 
 and roafted Pigs for Porridge Ifland. 
 
 Carm. Hannibal Scratcbi did the fame. 
 
 Pujf. From that contemptible State did not 
 I raile you to the Cat and Fiddle in Petticoat- 
 lane j the Goofe and Gridiron in Paul's Church- 
 yard* the firft live Things you ever drew, 
 Dog? 
 
 Carm. Pox take your Memory. Well, but, 
 Mr. Puff. you are fo 
 
 B , Pujf.
 
 6 TASTE. 
 
 Puff. Nor did I quit you then : Who, Sir- 
 rah, recommended you to Prim Stiff", the 
 Mercer upon Ludgate-bill\ how came you to 
 draw the Queen there ? 
 
 (Loud Knocks at tbe Door. 
 
 Carm. Mr. Puff', for Heaven's lake ! dear 
 Sir, you are ib warm, we (hall be blown 
 
 Enter Boy. 
 
 Boy. Sir, my Lady Pen 
 
 Carm. Send her to the Show her up 
 
 Stairs. Dear Puff- 
 
 Puff. Oh! Sir, I can be calm; I only 
 wanted to let you ice I had not forgot, tho' 
 perhaps you may. 
 
 Car.m- Sir, you are very obliging. Well, 
 but now as all is over, if you will retreat a 
 
 fmall Time Lady Pentiveazel lits for her 
 
 Picture, and (lie's 
 
 Puff'. I have ibme Bufmefs at next Door; 
 I fuppoie in half an Hour's Time 
 
 Carm. I mall be at Leifure. Dear Puf 
 
 Puff. Dear Carmine (Exit Puff. 
 
 Carm. Son of a Whore Boy, . (hew the 
 
 Lady up Stairs. 
 
 Enter -Lady Pentweazcl. 
 
 Lady. Fine Pieces ! very likely Pieces ! 
 and, indeed, all alike. Hum ! Lady Fujjock 
 and, ha ! ha ! ha ! Lady -Glum/lead, by all 
 
 that's
 
 TASTE. ? 
 
 that's ugly Pray now, Mr. Carmine, how do 
 you Limners contrive to overlook the Uglinefs, 
 and yet preferve the Likenefs. 
 
 Carm. The Art, Madam, may be convey 'd 
 in two Words; where Nature has been le- 
 vere, we foften; where fhe has been kind, 
 we aggravate. 
 
 Lady. Very ingemts, and very kind, truly. 
 Well, good Sir, I bring you a Subject that 
 will demand the Whole of the firft Part of 
 your Skill ; and, if you are at Leilure, you, 
 may begin directly. 
 
 Carm. Your Ladyfhip is here a little un- 
 grateful to Nature, and cruel to yourfelf ; even 
 Lady Pentweazei's Enemies (if fuch there be) 
 mu it allow (he is a fine Woman. 
 
 Lady. Oh ! your Servant, good Sir. Why 
 1 have had my Day, Mr. Carmine ; I have 
 bad my Day. 
 
 Carm. And have ftill, Madam. The only 
 Difference I fhall make between what you 
 were, and what you are, will be no more than 
 what Rubens has diftinguiOied between Mary 
 dc Medicis, a Virgin and a Regent, 
 
 Lady. Mr. Carmine, I vow you are a very 
 judicious Perfon. I was always faid to be 
 like that Family.. When my Piece was firil 
 done, the Limner did me after Venus de Me- 
 dicis, whiph I iuppofe might be one of Marys 
 Sifters ; but Things muft change ; to be fit- 
 ting for my Picture at this Time of Day ; 
 Ba ha!
 
 8 TASTE. 
 
 ha ! ha ! but my Daughter Sukey, you muft 
 know, is juft married to Mr. Deputy Drip- 
 ping of Candlewick-Ward, and would not be 
 faid nay ; To it is not fo much for the Beauty. 
 as the Similitude. Ha ! ha ! 
 
 Carm. True, Madam ; ha ! ha ! but if I 
 hit (he Likenefs, 1 muft preierve the Beauty, 
 
 Will your Ladyfliip be feated ? (She fits. 
 
 Lady. I have heard, good Sir, that every 
 Bo.iy has a more betterer and more worferer 
 Side of the Face than the other now which 
 will you chufe ? 
 
 Carm. The Right Side, Madam the 
 
 Left now, if you pleale, the Full Your 
 
 Ladymip's Countenance is fo exactly propor- 
 tion'd, that I mull have it all ; no Feature 
 can be fpar'd. 
 
 Lady. When you come to the Eyes, Mr. 
 Carmine^ let me know, that I may call up a 
 Look. 
 
 Carm. Mighty well, Madam Your Face 
 
 a Httle nearer to the Left, nearer me your 
 
 Head more up Shoulders back and 
 
 {Jheft forward. 
 
 Lady. Blefs me, Mr. Carmine, don't mind 
 my Shape this Bout ; for I'm only in Jumps. 
 
 -Shall I fend for my Tab by s ? 
 
 Carm. No, Madam, we'll iupply that for 
 the prefent Your Ladyfhip was juil now 
 mentioning a Daughter Is (he your Face 
 a little more towards me Is fhe the fole 
 
 Inhe-
 
 TASTE. 9 
 
 Inheritor of her Mother's Beauty ? Or 
 
 have you 
 
 Lady. That? ha! ha! ha! why that's 
 my youngeft of all, except Caleb. I have 
 had, Mr. Carmine, live born, and chriften'd 
 ftay^ don't let me lye now -One Two 
 
 Three Four Five- Then I lay fallow 
 
 but the Year after I had Twins they 
 
 came in Mr. Pentweaze/'s Sheriffalty ; then 
 
 Roger , then Robin , then Reuben in fliort, 
 
 I have had Twenty as fine Babes as ever trod 
 in Shoe of Leather. 
 
 Carm. Upon my Word, Madam, your La- 
 dy(hip is an admirable Member of the Com- 
 monwealth ; 'tis a thoufand Pities that, like 
 the Romans, we have not fome Honours to 
 reward fuch diftinguim'd Merit. 
 
 Lady. Ay, ay, Mr. Carmine, if Breeding 
 amongft Cbriftians was as much encouraged 
 as amongft Dogs and Horfes, we need not be 
 making Laws to let in a Parcel of outlandifh 
 Locufts to eat us. all up. 
 
 Carm. I am told, Madam, that a Bill 
 for fome fuch Purpofe is about to pals, and 
 that we begin now to have almoft as much 
 Regard for the Propagation of the Species, as 
 the Prefervation of the Game in thefc King- 
 doms Now, Madam, I am come to the 
 Eyes -Oh ! that Look, that, that, I muft 
 defpair of imitating. 
 
 B 3 Lady.
 
 10 
 
 TASTE. 
 
 Lady. Oh ! oh ! good Sir, have you found 
 out that? Why all my Family by the Mo- 
 ther's Side were famous for their Eyes : I 
 have a Great Aunt among the Beauties at 
 Wind/or; (he has a Sifter at Hampton-Court, 
 
 a perdigious fine Woman {he had but one 
 
 Eye, indeed, but that was a Piercer; that 
 one Eye got her three Hufbands we were 
 called the gimlet-ey'd Family. Oh ! Mr. 
 Carmine, you need not mind thefe Heats in 
 my Face; they always diicharge ihemielves 
 
 about Chrijlmas my true Carnation is not 
 
 ieen in my Countenance. That's Carnation ! 
 Here's your flefli and Blood ! (/hewing h$r 
 Arm. 
 
 Carm. Delicate, indeed! finely turn'd, and 
 of a charming Colour ! 
 
 Lady. And yet it has been employ 'd enough 
 to fpoil the beft Hand and Arm in the Woild. 
 
 Even before Marriage never idle; none 
 
 of your gallopping, goilipping, Rnnelagh 
 Romps, like the forwardMinxes of the prefer) t 
 Age. I was always employed either in painting 
 your Lam/kips, playing upon the Hajpicoh, 
 
 making Paite, or fomething or other All 
 
 our Family had a Geno; and then I lung! 
 Every Body faid I had a monftrous fine Voice 
 "Tor Mufick. 
 
 Carm. That may be difcern'd by your La- 
 dyfhip's Tones in Converfation. 
 
 Zady,
 
 TASTE. ii 
 
 Lady. Tones you are right, Mr. Car- 
 
 mine ; that was Mr. Purcefs Word. Mifs 
 'Molly Grijkin, fays he (my Maiden Name) 
 you have Tones. 
 
 Carm. As your Ladyfnip has preferved 
 every Thing elfe fo well, I dare fwear.you 
 have not loft your Voice. Will you favour 
 me with an Air? 
 
 Lady. Oh ! Sir, you are fo polite, that it's 
 
 impoffible But I have none of your new 
 
 Playhoufe Songs 1 pan give you one that 
 
 was made on myfelf by Laurence Lutejlring, 
 a Neighbour's Son. 
 
 Carm. What you pleafe, Madam. 
 
 Lady. 
 
 As I was a walking by the Side of a River, 
 
 I met a youngDamJel Jo charming and clever -, 
 
 Her Voice to flcafe it could not fail, 
 
 Shefung like any Nightingale. 
 
 Fa/ dc rol ; hugh, bugb>.&c. 
 Blefs me! I have fuch a Cough; but there 
 are Tones. 
 
 Carm. Inimitable ones. 
 
 Lady. But, Mr. Carmine, you Limners are 
 
 all ingenus Men you -flag. 
 
 . Carm. A Ballad, or fo, Madam 3 Mufick 
 is a Sifter Art; and it would be a little un- 
 natural not to cultivate an Acquaintance there. 
 
 Lady. Why truly we ought not to be alha- 
 med ol: our Relations, unlefs they are poorj 
 
 and then, you know 
 
 B 4 Enter
 
 12 TASTE. 
 
 Enter Boy. 
 
 JBoy. Alderman Pentiveazel and Mr. Puff. 
 
 Lady. Oh ! he was to call upon me ; we 
 go to the Audion. Defire him to walk up 
 Mr. Pentiveazel, you muft know, went this 
 Morning to meet Caleb, my youngeft Boy, 
 at the Bull and Gate. The Child has been 
 two Years and three Quarters at School with 
 Dr. Jerk, near Doncajier, and comes To-day 
 by the Tork Waggon; for it has always been 
 my Maxum, Mr. Carmine, to give my Chil- 
 dren Learning enough; for, as the old 
 Saying is, 
 
 When Houfe and Land are gone andfpent, 
 
 T^hen Learning is mofl excellent. 
 
 Carm. Your Ladyfhip is quite right. Too 
 much Money cannot be employed in fo ma- 
 terial an Article. 
 
 Lady. Nay, the Coft is but fmall ; but 
 poor Ten Pounds a Year for Head, Back, 
 Books, Bed, and Belly; and they fay the 
 Children are all wonderful Latiners, and come 
 up, lack-a-day, they come up as fat as Pigs. 
 
 Oh ! here they are ; Odds me ! he's a 
 
 Thumper. You fee, Mr. Carmine^ I breed 
 no Starvelings. Come hither, Child. Mind 
 your Haviours. Where's your beft Bow? 
 Turn out your Toes. One would think he 
 had learnt to dance of his Father. I'm fure 
 my Family were none ib aukward. There 
 
 WM
 
 TASTE. ,3 
 
 was my Brother George, a perfect Pidure of a 
 Man ; he danc'd, Lud ! But come, all in good 
 Time Hold up thy Head, Caleb. 
 
 Aid. Pr'ythee, fweet Honey, let the 
 Child alone. His Matter fays he comes on 
 wonderful in his Learning; and as to your 
 Bows and your Congees, never fear, he'll 
 learn them faft enough at Home. 
 
 Lady. Lack-a-day ! well faid We now 
 If he does, I know who mud teach him. 
 Well, Child, and doft remember me? Hey? 
 Who am I? 
 
 Caleb. Anon! 
 
 Lady. Doft know me? 
 
 Caleb. Yes; you be Mother. 
 
 Lady. Nay, the Boy had always a good 
 Memory. And what haft learnt, Caleb, hey ? 
 
 Caleb. I be got into M fop's Fables, and 
 can fay all As in prcejenti by Heart. 
 
 Lady. Upon my Word that's more than 
 ever thy Father could. 
 
 Aid. Nay, nay, BO Time has been loft; f 
 queftion'd the Lad as we came along; I afk'd 
 him himfelf 
 
 Lady. Well, well, fpeak when you are 
 fpoken to, Mr. Alderman. How often rnuft 
 
 I Well, Caleb, and hadft a good deal 
 
 of Company in the Waggon, Boy ? 
 
 Caleb. O Law! Powers of Company. Mo- 
 ther. There was Lord Gorman's fat Cook, a 
 Blackamore Drumming Man, two A&or 
 
 People,
 
 I4 TASTE. 
 
 People, a Recruiting Serjeant, a Monkey, 
 and I. 
 
 Lady.. Upon my Word, a pretty Parcel. 
 
 Caleb. Yes, indeed; but the the fat 
 
 Cook got drunk at Coventry* and To fell out 
 at the Tail of the Waggon ; fo we left fhe 
 behind. The next Day the Serjeant ran away 
 with the Showman's Wife ; the t'other two 
 went after; .fo only the Monkey and I came 
 to Town together. 
 
 Carm. Upon my Word, the young Gentle- 
 man gives a good Account of his Travels. 
 
 Lady. Ay, ay, Mr. Carmine, he's all over 
 the Blood of the Gri/kins. I warr.int the 
 Child will make his Way. Go, Calet,- go 
 and look at them pretty Paintings Now, 
 Mr. Carmine, let us fee if my good Man can 
 find me out. 
 
 Aid. L?ck-a~day; well, I profefs they are 
 nil fo handlbme, that I am puzzled to know 
 which is thine, Chuck. 
 
 Puff. 1 am fur prized at your Want of Dif- 
 ccrnnient, Mr. Alderman; but the PolferTion 
 ot a Jewel deftroys its Value with the 
 Wearer; nov/ to me.it feems impofiible to 
 err-, and tho' Mr. Carmine is generally luc- 
 ccisful, in this Infiance he is particularly 
 happy. Where can you meet with that Mix- 
 ture of Fire and Softnefs, but in the Eyes of 
 Lady Pdnt teazel? 
 
 Ludy. Oh, Sir! 
 
 Puf.
 
 TASTE 15 
 
 Puff. That Clearnefs and Delicacy of Com- 
 plexion, with that Flow of Ruddinefs and 
 Health. 
 
 Lady. Sir! Sir! Sir! 
 
 Puff. That Fall of Shoulders, Turn of 
 Neck, fet on Head, full Cheft, taper Waiil, 
 plump 
 
 Lady. Spare me, fweet Sir ! You fee 
 
 Mr. Penticfiiz-el) other People can find out my 
 
 Charms, tho' you overlook them Well, I 
 
 profefs, Sir, you are a Gentleman of great 
 Difcernmehtj and if Bufmefs fhould bning you 
 into the City ; for alas ! what Pleafure can 
 bring a Man of your rt fined Tafte there ? 
 
 Puff. Oh! Ma'am! 
 
 Lady. 1 fay, Sir, if fuch an Accident 
 ihonld happen, and Blo-wbLidder-Jtreet has any 
 Charms 
 
 Puff. Oh! Ma'am! Ma'am! Ma'am! 
 Ma'am! 
 
 Lady. It is not impoflible but we may re- 
 ceive you, tho' not equal to your Merits 
 
 Puff. Ma'am! 
 
 Lady. Yet in fuch a Manner as to (hew our 
 Senleof them. Sir, I'm your very obedient. 
 
 Puff. Your Lady (hip's moft 
 
 Lady. Not a Step. 
 
 Puff. Ma'am. 
 
 Lady. Sii Mr. Alderman, your Bow 
 
 to the Gentleman. The very finelt. 
 
 Puff. Ma'am!
 
 16 TASTE. 
 
 Lady. Sir Your moft obedient. 
 
 Puff. Your devoted. (Ex. Aid. and Wife. 
 
 Carm. Ha! ha! Well faid, Puff. What a 
 Calamity haft thou drawn upon the Knight ! 
 Thou haft fo tickled the Vanity of the Har- 
 radan, that the poor Helpmate will expe- 
 rience a double Portion of her Contempt. 
 
 Puff. Rot them. 
 
 Carm. Come, Puff y a matrimonial AfTift* 
 ant to a rich Alderman is no contemptible 
 Employment. 
 
 Puff. Ay, if it were a Sine-cure. 
 
 Carm. No, that you muft not expeft ; but 
 unlefs I am greatly miftaken in the Language 
 of the Eyes, her Ladylhip's were addrefs'd to 
 you with moft perfuafive Tendernefs. 
 
 Puff. Well, of that hereafter But to 
 
 our Bufmefs. The Auction is about begin- 
 ing; and I have promifed to meet Mr. David 
 Dujledorpe, Sir Poftfhe Bubble y and Lord 
 Dupe, to examine the Pictures, and fix on 
 
 thole for which they are to bid But fince 
 
 \ve have fettled the German Plan; fo Varnijh 
 or Erujh muft attend them. 
 
 Carm. Oh ! by all Means purfue that. You 
 have no Conception how dear the foreign 
 Accent is to your true Virtuofo; it announces 
 Tafte, Knowledge, Veracity, and in (hort, 
 every Thing But can you enough difguife 
 the Turn of your Face, and Tone of your 
 Voice? a Difcovery of Mr. Pu/'m Mynheer 
 Groningen blafts us at once. Puff*
 
 TASTE. 17 
 
 Puff'. Never fear me. I wifli you may 
 have equal Succefs in the Part of Canto. 
 
 Carm. Pho! mine's a Trifle. A Man mu ft 
 have very (lender Abilities indeed, who can't 
 for ten Minutes imitate a Language and De- 
 portment that he has been Witnefs to for tea 
 Years. 
 
 Puff. But you mnft get their Tones, their 
 Tones ; 'tis eafy enough. Come, hand up 
 here that there Corregio ; an inimitable Piece, 
 Gentlemen and Ladies : the very beft Work 
 of the beft Mafter, Subject agreeable, highly 
 finifhed, and well preferved ; a Seat for the 
 Ladies j hand it to Sir Pofttive; a going for 
 Fifty ; fpeak, or it's gone for Fifty : Joy to your 
 Lady (hip . Come the next; but remember, 
 let your Bob be bufliy, and your Bow low. 
 
 Carm. Enough, enough; we are Strangers 
 to each other, you know. 
 
 Puff. Abfolute. Oh ! but what Pictures 
 of yours are in the Sale ? 
 
 Carm. There's my Holy Family by Ra- 
 $hael\ the Marriage in Cana by Reuben Rouge ; 
 'fomjackfons Tenters; and for Bufts, Taylors 
 Head without a Nofe from Herculaneum. 
 Puff. Are the antique Seals come Home ? 
 Carm. No; but they will be finim'd by 
 next Week. 
 
 Puff. You muft take care of Nov/cis Col- 
 ledtion of Medals he'll want them by the 
 End of the Month. 
 
 Carm.
 
 :S TASTE. 
 
 Caren. The Coins of the firft Emperors are 
 now Jteeping in Copperas -, and I have an 
 Qtboi a Galba, Nc'ro, and two Domitians 
 reaking from the Dunghill- The Rell we 
 tan have from Doiftor Mummy \ a never fail- 
 ing Chap, you know. 
 
 ^Puff. Adieu. 
 
 Carm. Yours, Sir a troublefome Fel- 
 low, this confounded Memory uieful, 
 
 tho' Rounds of Beef and roaltedPigs! 
 
 in-..' il get rid of him Ay, bur when? 
 
 Whv \vhen?---when I hauegaind my Point. 
 
 U-it how, how then? Oh, then it 
 
 not lignify Two Pence. 
 
 End of the FIRST ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 TASTE. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Enter Puff, as Monfieur Baron de Groningen^ 
 Carmine as Canto, and Brufh. 
 
 ; ANTO. f^OME, buttle, buftle. Brujh, 
 V-4 you introduce Puff. Puff, how 
 are you in your German ? 
 
 Puff. I can no fpeak for JSngfandt, but I can 
 mak underftand very mightily. Will that do ? 
 
 Brujk. To a Hair. Remember you are 
 comehither to purchafe Pictures for the Elector 
 of Bavaria. Car mime , you mull clap Lord 
 Dupe's Coat of Arms on that Half Length of 
 Erafmus ; I have fold it him, as his Great 
 Grandfather's third Brother, for fifty Guineas. 
 
 Canto. It (hall be done- Be it my Province 
 to eftablifli the Baron's Reputation as a 
 ConnoiiTeur. Brufh has feen you Abroad at 
 the Court of the reigning Prince of Blantin. 
 
 Puff. Yes ; I was do Bufinefs mightily for 
 Prince Blantin. 
 
 Brujl. Your Portraits go firft, Carmine. 
 Novice, Sir Pofttive Bubble, Jack Squander, 
 Lord Dupe, and Mordecai Lazarus, the jfwy 
 Broker, have appointed me to examine with 
 them the Hiftory Pieces. Which are mofl 
 likely to ilick ? 
 
 Canto. 

 
 ic TASTE. 
 
 Canto. Here's a Lift. 
 
 Brujh. Hum, hide the Erafmus, I hear the 
 Company on the Stairs, 
 
 (Exit Carmine, and-r-eenters anon. 
 
 Enter Lord Dupe, Bubble, Squander, V. 
 
 Lord. Mr. Brujh. I am your devoted Ser- 
 vant. You have procured my Anceftor. 
 
 Brujh. It is in my Poflelfion, my Lord ; 
 and I have the Honour to afiure your Lord- 
 mip, that the Family Features are very dif- 
 cernible ; and allowing for the Difference of 
 Drefs, there's a ftrong Likenefs between you 
 and your Predecefibr. 
 
 Lord. Sir, you have oblig'd me. All thefe 
 you hare mark'd in the Catalogue are Originals ? 
 
 Brujh. Undoubted. But my Lord, you need 
 not depend folely on my Judgment ; here's 
 Mynheer Baron fie Groningen, who is come 
 hither to furvey, and purchafe for the Elector 
 of Bavaria; an indifputable ConnoifTeur; his 
 Bidding will be a Direction for your Lordfhip. 
 'Tis a thoufand Pities that any of thefe Mtf- 
 ters mould quit England. They were con- 
 ducted hither at an immenfe Expence ; and if 
 they now leave us, what will it be but a pub- 
 lic Declaration, that all Tafte and liberal 
 Knowledge is vanim'd from amongft us ? 
 
 Lord. Sir leave the Support of the natio- 
 nal Credit to my Care. Could you introduce 
 me to Mynheer? Does he fpeak Engliflj? 
 
 Brujk.
 
 TASTE. 21 
 
 'Brufi. Not fluently, but fo as to be under- 
 ftood. Mynheer, Lord Dupe the Patron of 
 Arts, the Petronlus for Tafte, and for well- 
 timed Generofity, the Leo and thtMec&nas 
 
 of the prefent Age, defires to know you. 
 
 Puff. Sir, you honour me very mightily. I 
 was here of Lord Dupes in Hollandt. I was 
 tell he was one Delatant, one Curieufe, one 
 Precieufe of his Country. 
 
 Lord. The Dutch are an obliging, civilized, 
 well-bred, pretty Kind of People. But, pray 
 Sir, what occasions us the Honour of a Vifit 
 from you ? 
 
 Puff. I was come to bid for Paints for de 
 Elector of Bavaria. 
 
 Lord. Are there any here that deferve your 
 Attention ? 
 
 Puff. O ! dare are good Pieces; but dare is 
 one I likes mightily; the off Sky, and home 
 Track is fine, and the Maifter is in it. 
 
 Lord. What is the Subject ? 
 
 Puff. Dat I know not; vat I minds, vat 
 you call the Draws and the Colors. 
 
 Lord. Mr. Canto, what is the Subject ? 
 
 Canto. It is, my Lord St. Anthony of Padua 
 cxorcifing the Devil out of a Ram-Cat; it has 
 a Companion iomewhere--Oh ! here, which 
 is the lame Saint in a Wildernefs, reading his 
 Breviary by the Light of a Glow-worm. 
 
 Bruftj. Invaluable Pictures, both ! and will 
 
 match your Lordfhip's Corregio in the Saloon, 
 
 C Lord.
 
 22 TASTE. 
 
 Lord. I'll have them. What Figures are 
 thofe, Mr. Canto? 
 
 Canto. They are not in the Sale ; but I 
 fancy I could procure them for your Lordmip. 
 
 Lord. This, I prefume, might have been a 
 Landlkip; but the Water, and the Men, and 
 the Trees, and the Dogs, and the Ducks, and 
 the Pigs, they are all obliterated, all gone. 
 
 Brujh. An indifputable Mark of its Anti- 
 quity; its very Merit; beiides a little Var- 
 nifli will fetch the Figures again. 
 
 Lord. Set it down for me The next. 
 
 Canto. That is a MoJ'es in the Bulrumes. 
 The blended Joy and Grief in the Figure of the 
 Siller in the Corner, the Diftrefs and Anxiety 
 of the Mother here, and the Beauty and Be- 
 nevolence of Pharaotis Daughter, are Circum- 
 itances happily imagined, and boldly exprefs'd. 
 
 Bnifo. Lack-a-day, 'tis but a modern Per- 
 formance; the Matter is alive, and an Eug- 
 lijhman- - 
 
 Lord. Oh ! then I would not give it Houfe- 
 room. 
 
 Pi*f. Here is a pretty Piece I find flick up 
 here in de Corner : I was fee in Hollandt^ at 
 Loo, a Piece mighty like; there was little 
 Mice?, that was nibble, nibble, nibble, upon 
 vat you call Frumage, and little Shurels all 
 with brulh Tails ran up the Trees ; and there 
 was great Things, vat you call Pmaw, that 
 have long Hearts, and cry Ba. 
 
 Brufb.
 
 "TASTE. 53 
 
 &ru/b; What, Goats? 
 
 Piff. Ay, dat was de Name. 
 
 Lord. I mould think, by the Cheefe and 
 the Goats, Mynheer, yours was a Welch Piece, 
 initead of a Dutch. 
 
 Pu ff- Ah, 'twas good Piece. I wi{h to my 
 ieart Lord Dupes was have that Piece. 
 
 Enter Novice. 
 
 Novice. Where's Mr. Brujbt My dear 
 Brujh, am I too late ? 
 
 Britfo. In pretty good Time. 
 
 Nov. May i loie my Ot&o, or be tumbled 
 ^rom my Phaeton the firft Time I jehup mv 
 -orrels, if I have not made more Hafte thari 
 a young Surgeon to his firft Labour. But the 
 L-ots the Lots, my dear Brujb, what are 
 they ? I m upon the Rack Qf Im ience tiu 
 
 fee them, and in a Fever of Defire till I 
 poliefs them. 
 
 W ' ^' ant * the Ge ^leman would 
 be glad to fee the Bufts, Medals, and precious 
 Reliques of Greece and ancient Rome 
 
 Canto. Perhaps, Sir, we may mow him 
 fomethmg of greater Antiquity-Bring them 
 forward- The firft Lot confifts o f a Hand 
 without an Arm, the firft Joint of the Fore- 
 iMnger gone, fuppofed to be a Limb of the 
 Apollo Delpbos The fecond, Half a Foot 
 with the : Toe s entire, of the Juno Luclna-^ 
 third, theC^r^ofthe^^ r /^ /. 
 
 fernali
 
 24 TASTE. 
 
 ferna/isThc fourth, the Half of the Leg of 
 "the Infant Hercu/es~a\\ indifputable Antiques, 
 and of the Mempbian Marble. 
 
 Puff. Let me fee Juno* Half Foot. All the 
 Toes entire ? 
 
 Canto. All. 
 
 Puff. Here is a little Swclt by this Toe, 
 that looks bad Proportion. 
 
 All. Hey, hey. 
 
 Puf. What's dat ? 
 
 Canto. That ! Pflmv ! that ! Why that's 
 only a Corn. 
 
 All. Oh ! 
 
 Puf. Corn ! dat was extreme natural ; dat 
 is fine; the Maifter is in it. 
 
 All. Very fine ! Invaluable ! 
 
 Puf. Where is de Hercules' Calf? Upon 
 my Word 'tis a very large Calf; big, big, big, 
 all de Way up, all de Way down. 
 
 Lord. I believe this Hercules was an Irifh 
 Man. 
 
 Nov. But where are your Bufts ? Here, 
 here, Gentlemen ; here's a Cuiiofity ; a Me- 
 dal of Oriuna ; got for me by Doctor Mummy; 
 the only one in the vifible World ; there may 
 be fome under Ground, 
 
 Lord. Fine, indeed ! Will you permit me 
 to tafte it ? It has the Relim. (All tajle. 
 
 Nov. The Relim ! 'Zooks it coil me a 
 hundred Guineas. 
 
 gar, it is a dear Bit tho'.
 
 TASTE. 25 
 
 Nov. So you may think ; but three Times 
 the Money mould not purchafe it. 
 
 Lord. Pray, Sir, whofe Buft is it that dig- 
 nifies this Coin? 
 
 Nov. The Emprefs Qriuna, my Lord. 
 
 Lord. And who, Sir, might me be? I don't 
 recollect to have heard of the Lady before. 
 
 Nov. She, my Lord ? Oh ! me was a Kind 
 of a What-d'ye-catt'em a Sort of a Queen, 
 or Wife, or fomething or other to fomebody, 
 that liv'd a damn'd while ago Mummy told 
 me the whole Story ; but before Gad I've for- 
 got it. But come, theBufts. 
 
 Canto. Bring forward the Head from Her- 
 culaneum. Now, Gentlemen, here is a Jewel, 
 
 All. Ay, ay, let's fee. 
 
 Canto. 'Tis not entire, tho', 
 
 Nov. So much the better. 
 
 Canto. Right, Sir - the very Mutilations 
 of this Piece are worth all the mod perfect 
 Performances of modern Artifts Now, Gen- 
 tlemen, here's a Touchftone for your Tafle ! 
 
 All. Great ! great, indeed ! 
 
 Nov. Great! Amazing! Divine! Oh, let 
 me embrace the dear difmember'd Buft ! a 
 little farther off. I'm ravim'd! I'm tranfported ! 
 What an Attitude! But then the Locks! 
 Flow I adore the Simplicity of the Antients ! 
 How unlike the preient, priggim, prick ear'd 
 Puppets ! How gracefully they fall all adown 
 the Cheek ! fo decent, and fo grave, and 
 C 3 Who
 
 26 TASTE. 
 
 Who the Devil do you think it is, BruJJj ? Is 
 it a Man or a Woman ? 
 
 Canto. The Connoifleurs differ. Some will 
 have it to be the 'Jupiter Tuonans of Phidias, 
 and others the Venus of Papbos from Praxi- 
 teles ; but I don't think it rierce enough for 
 the firft, nor handfome enough for the lait. 
 Nov. Yes, handfome enough. 
 All. Very handfome ; handfome enough. 
 Canto. Not quite therefore 1 am inclined 
 to join with Signor Julio de Pampedillo, who, 
 in aTreatife dedicated to the King of theT^cY? 
 Sicilies, calls it the Serapis of the /Egyptians ', 
 and fuppofes it to have been fabricated about 
 Eleven hundred and three Years before the 
 Mofaic Account of the Creation. 
 
 Nov. Prodigious! and I dare fwear, true. 
 AIL Oh ! true, very true. 
 Puff. Upon my Honour, 'tis a very fine 
 Buft j but where is de Nofe ? 
 
 Nov. The Nofe; what care I for the Nofe> 
 Where is de Nofe ? Why, Sir, if it had a 
 Nofe, I would not give Sixpence for it How 
 the Devil mould we diftinguiih the Works of 
 
 the Antients, if they were perfect ? The 
 
 Nofe, indeed ! Why I don't fuppofe, now, 
 but, barring the Nofe, Roubiliac could cut as 
 
 good a Head every Whit BruJ&, who s 
 
 this Man with his Nofe? The Fellow fhould 
 know fomething of fornething too, for he 
 fpeaks broken Englijk. 
 
 .Brujh
 
 TASTE. 17 
 
 Enijh. It is Mynheer Groningen, a great 
 Connoiffeur in Painting. 
 
 Nov. That may bej but as to Sculpture, I 
 am his very humble Servant. A Man muft 
 know damn'd little of Statuary, that diflikes 
 a fiuft for want of a Nofe. 
 
 Canto. Right, Sir The Nofe itfelf with- 
 qutthe Head, nay, in another's Poffeffion, 
 
 would be an Eftate But here are behind, 
 
 Gentlemen and Ladies, an Equeftrian Statue 
 of Marcus Aurelius without the Horfe; and a 
 complete Statue of the Emperor Trajan* with 
 only the Head and Legs miffing ; both from 
 
 Herculaneum. -. This Way, Gentlemen 
 
 and Ladies. 
 
 Enter Lady Pentweazel, Alderman, #7</Caleb. 
 
 Lady. Now, Mr. Pentweazel^ let us have 
 none of your Blawbladder Breeding. Remem- 
 ber you are at the Court End of the Town. 
 This is a Quality Auction 
 
 Aid. Where of courfe nothing is fold that 
 is ufeful. -rl am tutor'd, fwect rioney. 
 
 Lady. Caleb, keep behind, and don't be 
 meddling. Sir r~ (To Brufh. 
 
 Bnijh. Your Pleafure, Ma'am. 
 
 Lady. I ihould be glad you would inform 
 me if there are any Lots of very fine old China. 
 I find the Quality are grown infinitely fond of 
 it ; and I am willing to (how the World, that 
 we in the City have Tafte. 
 
 C 4 Brujk,
 
 28 TASTE. 
 
 Brujh. 'Tis a laudable Refolution, Ma'am, 
 and, 1 dare fay, Mr. Canto can fupport 
 Blefs me, what's that? 
 
 (Caleb throws down a China Diflo, 
 
 Lady. That Boy, Ifuppofe! Well, if ihe 
 
 mifchievous Brat has not broke a and look 
 
 how he ilands Sirrah, Sirrah, did I not 
 
 bid you not meddle ? -Leave fucking 
 
 your Thumbs. What, I fuppofe you learnt 
 that Trick of your Friend the Monkey in the 
 Waggon? 
 
 Caleb. Indeed I did not go to do it, Mother. 
 Jlld. Pr'ythee, fweet Honey, don't be fo 
 paffionate. What's done can't be undone, 
 The Lofs is not great; come, come. 
 
 Brujb. Mr. Alderman is in the Right. The 
 
 Affair is a Trifle; but a Twenty Guinea Job. 
 
 Lady. Twenty Guineas! You mould have 
 
 twenty of my Teeth as ? 
 
 Canto. You mean if you had them Your 
 Ladyfhip does not know the Value of that 
 Piece of. China. It is the right old Japan oi the 
 Peagreen Kind. Lady Mandarin offcr'd me, 
 if I could match it, Fourfccte Guineas for the 
 Pair. 
 
 Lady. A fine Piece, indeed ! 
 Puff. 'Tis ver fine! 
 
 Caleb. Indeed, Father, I did not break it, 
 'Twas crack'd in the Middle, and fo fella 
 two in my Hand. 
 
 Lady. What, was it crack'd ? 
 Caleb. Yes indeed, Mother. 
 Lady. There, Gentleman ! Lord.
 
 TASTE. 29 
 
 Lord. Ma'am, I would willingly fet you 
 right in this Affair ; you don't feem ac- 
 quainted with thefe Kinds of Things; there- 
 fore I have the Honour to tell you, that the 
 Crack in the Middle is a Mark of it's An- 
 tiquity, and enhances it's Value; and thefe 
 Gentlemen are, I dare fay, of the fame O- 
 pinion. 
 
 All. Oh, intirely. 
 
 Lady. You are all of a Gang, I think. A 
 broken Piece of China better than a whole 
 one ! 
 
 Lord. Ma'am, I never difpute with a Lady ; 
 but this Gentleman has Tafte; he is a Fo- 
 reigner, and fo can't be thought prejudiced; 
 refer it to him ; the Day grows late, and I 
 want the Auction to begin. 
 
 Aid. Sweet Honey, leave it to the Gentle- 
 man. 
 
 Lady. Well, Sir. 
 
 Puf. Ma'am, I love to ferve de Lady. 'Tis 
 a ver fine Piece of China. I was fee fuch ano- 
 ther Piece fell at Amjlerdam for a hundred 
 Ducats. 'Tis ver well worth twenty Gui- 
 nea. 
 
 Caleb. Mother! Father! Never ftir if 
 that Gentleman ben't the fame that we fee'd 
 at the Painting Man's, that was fo zivil to 
 Mother, only he has got a black Wig on, 
 and fpeaks Outlandtfh. I'll be fur enough if it 
 en't a May-game. 
 
 Lady.
 
 5 o TASTE. 
 
 Lady. Hey ! Let me die but the Boy's in the 
 Right. My Dear, as I'm alive, Mr. Puff] that 
 \ve law at the Limner's. I told you he was a 
 more cleverer Man than I ever faw. Caleb is 
 right; fome Matter of Merriment, I warrant. 
 
 Ptif. I wiih it was. ( slfide.) I no understand. 
 
 Cato. So, Matter Pujf\ you are caught. 
 
 (ARde. 
 
 Lord. This is a moft unfortunate old Lady. 
 ---Ma'am, you are here under another Mil- 
 lake. This is Mynheer Baron de 
 
 Lady. Mynheer Figs-end. Can't 1 believe 
 *ny own Eyes? What, do you think, be- 
 caufe we live in the City, we can't fee? 
 
 Nov. Fire me, my Lord, there may be 
 more in this than we can guefs. It's worth 
 examining into. Come, Sir, if you are 
 Mynheer, who the Dcrvil knows you? 
 
 Piff. I vvas know Maifter Canto mightily. 
 
 Nov. Mr. Canto, do you know this Baron ? 
 
 Canto. I fee the Dog will be detc&cd, and 
 now is my Time to be even with him for his 
 Rounds of Beef and roafting Pigs. {Afide?) I 
 can't fay I ever faw the Gentleman before, : 
 
 AW. Oh, oh! 
 
 Lord. The Fellow is an Impoftor; a pal- 
 pable Cheat. Sir, I think you came from the 
 Rhine y pray, how (hould you like walking 
 into the ^Thames? 
 
 Mv. Or what think you, my Lord? The 
 Raical compUin'd but now that the Biut 
 
 wanted
 
 TASTE. 3I 
 
 wanted a Nofej fuppofe we were to fupply 
 the Deficiency with his ? 
 
 Lord. But Juftice, Mr. Novice. 
 
 Canto. Great Rafcal, indeed, Gentlemen. 
 If Rogues of this Stamp get once a Footing in. 
 thefe Aflemblies, adieu to all moral Honefty. 
 I think an Example fhould be made of him. 
 But, were I to advife, he is a properer Sub- 
 ject for the Rabble to handle than the prefent 
 Company. 
 
 All. Away with him- 
 
 Puj}\ Hands off. If Imuft fuffer, it (hall 
 not be lingly, Here is the obfequious Mr. 
 Brii/}j t and the very courtly Mr. Canto, (hall 
 be the Partners of my Diftrefs. Know then, 
 we all are Rogues, if the taking Advantage 
 pf the Absurdities and Follies of Mankind can 
 be call'd Roguery. I own I have been a 
 Cheat, and 1 glory in it. But what Point 
 will you Virtuoli, you ConnoiiTeurs, gain by 
 the Detection? Will not the publishing of 
 our Crimes trumpet forth your Folly ? 
 
 Lord. Matchlefs Impudence ! 
 
 Puff. My noble Lord here the Delatanti, 
 the Cstrieu, the Precien of this Nation, what 
 infinite Glory will he acquire from this Story, 
 that the Leo, the Mecanas, the Petronius, 
 notwithftanding his exquiiite Tafte, has been 
 drawn in to purchafe, at an immenfe Expence, 
 a Cart-load of Rubbifti! 
 
 Lord*
 
 Lord. Gentlemen and Ladies I have the 
 Honour to take my Leave. 
 
 Puff. Your Lordfhip's moft obedient 
 When (h-ill I fend you your Cor regio, your 
 St. Anthony of Padua, your Ram Caf, my 
 good Lord ? 
 
 Lord. Rafcal! (Exit. 
 
 Nov. This won't do, Sir. Tho' my 
 Lord has not Spirit enough, damn me if I quit 
 you. 
 
 Puff'. What, my fprightly Squire! Pray 
 
 favour me with a Sight of your Oriuna. It 
 
 has the Reliih; an indifputable Antique; be- 
 ing a Briflol Path ing, coin'd by a Soap-boiler 
 to pay his Journeymen- in the Scarcity of Cafh, 
 and purchafed for Two Pence of a travelling 
 Tinker by, Sir, your humble Servant, '2V- 
 motby Puff. Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Nov. My Oriuna a Bri/lol Farthing ! 
 
 Puff. Moft afluredly. 
 
 Nov. I'll be revenged. (Going. 
 
 Puff. Stay, ftay, and take your Bull, my 
 fweet Squire j your Serapis. Two Heads, they 
 fay, are better than one; lay them together. 
 But the Lotkb I how gracefully they fall all 
 adown! fo decent, and ib ha, ha, ha 5 
 
 Nov. Confound you ! 
 
 Puff. Why, Sir, if it hadaNofe, I would not 
 give Six-pence for it Pray, how many Years 
 before the Creation was it fabricated, Squire ? 
 
 Nov. I fhall live to fee you hang'd, you 
 Dog. (Exit
 
 TASTE. 33 
 
 Puff. Nay, but, Squire; ha, ha, ha! . 
 
 Now, Madam, to your Ladyfhip I come; to 
 whofe Difcernment, aided by the Sagacity of 
 your Son Caleb, I owe my Difcovery, 
 
 Aid. Look you, don't think to abufe my 
 Lady. I am one of the- 
 
 Puff. Quorum 1 know it, Mr. Alderman ; 
 but I mean to ferve your Wodhip by hum- 
 bling a little the Vanity of your Wife. 
 
 Lady. Come along, Chuck. I'll not flay 
 to hear the Rafcality of the Fellow. 
 
 Puff. Oh, my Lady Pentweazel, correct 
 the Severity of that Frown, left you mould 
 have more of the Medufa than the Mtdich in 
 your Face. 
 
 Lady. Saucy Jackanapes ! 
 
 Puff. What, then, I have quite loft my City 
 Acquaintance; why, I've promifed all my 
 Friends Tickets for my Lord Mayor's Ball, 
 through your Ladyship's Intereft. 
 
 Lady. My Intereft, indeed, for fuch a 
 
 Puff. If Bloivbladder-Jlreet has any Charms 
 
 Sir Ma'am Not a Step The fineft 
 
 Gentleman! ha, ha, ha! And what can 
 you fay for yourfelf, you cowardly ill-looking 
 Rafcal? (to Canto.) Deiert your Friend at 
 the firft Pinch your Ally your Part- 
 ner No Apology, Sir I have done with 
 you. From Poverty and S^ame I took you; 
 to that I reftore you. Your Crime be yoar 
 Punifhment. (Turning to the Audience?) 
 
 Could
 
 34 TASTE. 
 
 Could I be as fecure from the Cenfurc of this 
 Afiembly as 1 am fafe from the Relent merit 
 of Dupe, Novice, Squander ; from the alluring 
 Baits of my amorous City Lady; and the 
 dangerous Combination of my falie Friend, 
 1 fhould be happy. 
 
 'JM from your Sentence I txpett my Fate ; 
 Tour Voice alone my Triumph can c 
 
 FINIS.
 
 BOOKS printed for T. LOWNDES. 
 
 In Twelve Volumes, Thirty-Six Shillings hound, 
 Containing Sixty of the belt PLAYS which fupport the 
 
 Englifh Stage ; 
 
 With Seventy-two ornamentalEngravings, many of them donj 
 at twenty Guineas a Plate, and the Whole at the Expence of 
 Two Thoufand Six Hundred and Fifty Pounds. 
 
 THE NEW ENGLISH THEATRE, printed as written 
 by the AUTHOR, on a fine Paper; the PaiTages omiuej. 
 at the Theatre marked with inverted Commas, and thofe added 
 by the Managers pointed out by Italics. The Plates t'. each 
 Play are elegant, and the Vignettes executed by the moll 
 eminent Mailers ; the Whole being a more highly nuiihed 
 dramatic \Vork than ever was attempted. 
 
 Printed for T. LOWNDES, in Fleet Street. 
 *.* Proof Impreffions on French Paper may be had wiih the 
 
 Large Paper Sets. 
 PLAYS which compofe the NEW THEATRE. 
 
 1. Bufy Body; Mr. Woodward in Marplot, Vignette by Hall, 
 
 2. Bold Stroke for a Wife; Mr. Shuter in Obadiah Prim, 
 
 3. Confcious Lovers; Mrs. Abingdon as Phillb, 
 
 4. Mifer ; Mr. Yates as the Mifer. . 
 
 5. Sufpicious Hulband ; Mrs. Baddeley as Mrs. Strickland, 
 
 6. The Orphan ; Mifs Young as Monimia. 
 
 7. Fair Penitent; Mr, Akkin as Horatio. 
 
 8. Phsdra and Hippolitus ; Mr. Lewis as Hippolitus. 
 
 9. Tancred and Sigifmunda: Mr. Garrick as TancreJ. 
 
 10. Revenge; Mr. Reddifh as Alonzo, Vignette by Taylor, 
 II-, Spanifh Fryar; Mr. Dunllall as Fryar. 
 
 12. Rule a Wife; Mr. King as Perez. 
 
 13. Old Batchelor; Mr. Foote as Fondlewife. 
 
 14. Recruiting Officer; Mr. Smith as Plume. 
 
 15. Provok'd Wife; Mr. Garrick as Sir John Brute, Vignctt/s 
 
 by Barralet and Collier. 
 
 16. Merope; Mifs Young as Merope. 
 
 17. Mourning Bride; Mr. Garrick as Ofmya. 
 
 18. Jane Shore; Mrs. Yates as Jane Shore. 
 
 19. Rival Queens; Mrs. Melmoth as Roxana. 
 
 20. Gamefter; Mr. Reddiih as Beverley, Vignette by Lowe 
 
 and Hall. 
 
 21. Way of the World; Mrs. Pitt as Lady Wifhfor't. 
 
 22. Every Man in his Humour; Mr. Woodward as Captain 
 
 Bobadil. 
 
 23. Committee; Mr. Woodward asTeague, and Mr. Parfon* 
 
 as Obadiah. 
 
 24. Beaux Stratagem; Mrs* Lefiingham as Mrs. Sullen. 
 
 25. Love for Love; Mr. Wilfon as Ben, and Mrs. Mattockl 
 
 as Mifs Prue, Vignette by Edwards and Byrne.
 
 BOOKS printed for T. LOWK 
 
 26. Orooncko ; Mr. Savigny as Oroonoko. 
 
 2-]. George Barnwell ; Mr. Brereton as Barnwell. 
 
 28. Tamerlane ; Mr. Palmer and Mifs Hopkins in Bajazet and 
 
 Selima. 
 
 29. Venice Preferved ; Mr. Benfley as Pierre. 
 
 30. Dillreft Mother; Mrs. Hartley as Andromache, by Sher- 
 vin, Vignette by Signiora Angelica Kauffman and 
 Signior Bartolozzi. 
 
 31. Provok'd Hufband ; Mr. Macklin and Mr. Dunftall as 
 
 Sir Francis Wronghead and John Moody. 
 
 32. Love make? a Man ; Mr. Dodd as Clodio. 
 
 33. Drummer; Mr. Parfons and Mifs Pope as Vellum and 
 
 Abigail. 
 
 34. Carelefs Hufband ; Mrs. Abington as Lady Betty Modifh. 
 
 35. Funeral ; Mr. Clarke and Mr. Quick as Lord iJrompton 
 
 and Mr. Sable, Vignette by VVtll and Byrne. 
 
 36. Earl of Eflex ; Mrs. Melmoth as Q^ieen Elizabeth. 
 
 37. Barbaroffa ; Mr. Benfley and Mifs Macklin as Barbarofla 
 
 and Irene. 
 
 38. Mahomet; Mr. Benfley as Mahomet. 
 
 39. All for Love; Mrs. Yates as Cleopatra. 
 
 40. Jane Gray ; Mrs. Hartley as Jane Gray, by Shervvin ; 
 
 Vignette by Edwards and Hall. 
 
 41. Amphytrion ; Mr. Woodward as Socia. 
 
 42. Double Dealer ; Mr. Palmer and Mrs. Gardiner as Care- 
 
 lefs and Lady Pliant. 
 
 43. Inconftant; Mr. Wilfon as Old Mirabel. 
 
 44. Double Gallant; Mrs. Abington as Lady Sadlife. 
 
 4J. Conitant Couple; Mrs. Barry as Sir Harry Wildair, Vig- 
 nette by Signiora Angelica Kauflman and Mr. Collier. 
 
 46. Siege of Damafcus; Mr. Smith as Phocyas. 
 
 47. Theodofius; Mr. Wroughton as Theodoiius. 
 
 48. Cato; Mrs. Hartley as Marcia. 
 
 49. Douglas ; Mr. Lewis as Douglas. 
 
 50. Zara ; Mifs Young and Mr. Garrick as Zara and Lufig- 
 
 nan, Vignette by Weft and Byrne. 
 5 I. City Wives' Confederacy ; Mifs Pope as Corinna. 
 
 52. Country Wife; Mifs P. Hopkins as Mifs Peggy. 
 
 53. Minor; Mr. Foote as Mrs. Cole. 
 
 54. Wonder ; Mr. Garrick as Don Felix. 
 
 55. Chances; Mr. Garrick as Don John, Vignette by Morti- 
 
 mer and Walker. 
 
 56. Medea ; Mrs. Ya es as Medea. 
 
 57. Grecian Daughter; Mr. J. Aickin as Phocion. 
 
 58. Roman Father; Mr. Henderfon as Horatius. 
 
 59. Brothers ; Mr. Garrick as Demetrius. 
 
 60 Ifabella, or the Fatal Marriage ; Mr. Henderfon as Count 
 Biron, Vignette by Mortimer and Hall.
 
 THE 
 
 A U T.H O R| 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY, 
 
 Of TWO ACTS. 
 
 As performed at the 
 
 f^ THEATRE ROYAL 
 
 I N 
 
 DRURY-LANE. 
 
 ' . ' '.'..- 
 
 Written by Mr. F O O T E. 
 
 A NEW EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for T. LOWNDES, No. 77, Fleet-ftreet; and 
 S. B LAD ON, Pater-noiier-row. 1782. 
 
 [ PRICE ONE SHILLING. ] 
 
 4 4 446*
 
 PROLOGUE, 
 
 WRITTEN and SPOKEN by Mr. FOOTE. 
 
 O E VERE their Tafk, who in this critic Age, 
 ^-J With frefli Materials furnifh out the Stage ! 
 Not that our Father's drain'd the comic Store j 
 
 Frefli Characters fpring up as heretofore 
 
 Nature with Novelty does ftill abound ; 
 
 On every Side frefli Follies may be found. 
 
 But then the Tafte of every Gueft to hit, Y 
 
 To pleafe at once, the GalPry, Box, and Pit ; \, 
 
 Require's at leaft no common Share of Wit. J 
 
 Thofe, who adorn the Orb of higher Life, 
 Demand the lively Rake, or modifli Wife; 
 Whilft they, who in a lower Circle move, 
 Yawn at their Wit, and fl umber at their Love. 
 If light, low Mirth employs the comic Scene, 
 Such Mirth, as drives from vulgar Minds the Spleen; 
 The polifli'd Critic damns the wretched Stuff, 
 And cries, " 'twill pleafe the Gall'ries well enough." 
 Such jarring Judgments who can reconcile, 
 Since Fops will frown, where humble Traders fmile ? 
 
 To dafli the Poet's ineffe&ual Claim, 
 And quench his Thirft for univerfal Fame, 
 The Grecian Fabulift, in moral Lay, 
 Has thus addrefs'd the Writers of this Day. 
 
 Once on a Time, a Son and Sire we're told, 
 The Stripling tender, and the Father old, 
 
 B 2 Purchas'd
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 Purchas'd a Jack-Afs at a country Fair, 
 
 To eafe their Limbs, and hawk about their Ware : 
 
 But as the fluggifh Animal was weak, 
 
 They fear'd, if both fhould mount, his Back wou'd break: 
 
 Up gets the Boy ; the Father leads the Afs, 
 
 And through the gazing Crowd attempts to pafs ; 
 
 Forth from the Throng, the Grey-beards hobble out, 
 
 And hail the Cavalcade with feeble Shout. 
 
 " This the Refpedl to reverend Age you fhew ? 
 
 c< And this the Duty you to Parents owe ? 
 
 * c He beats the Hoof, and you are fct aftride; 
 
 <c Sirrah ? get down, and let your Father ride." 
 
 As Grecian Lads were feldom void of Grace, 
 
 The decent, duteous Youth, refign'd his Place. 
 
 Then a frefli Murmur through the Rabble ran ; 
 
 Boys, Girls, Wives, Widows, all attack the Man. 
 
 " Sure never was brute Beaft fo void of Nature ! 
 
 " Have you no Pity for the pretty Creature ? 
 
 " To your own Baby can you be unkind ? 
 
 " Here Suke, Bill, Betty put the Child behind." 
 
 Old Dapple next, the Clowns Compaffion claim'd ; 
 
 " 'Tis Wonderment, them Boobies ben't afham'd. 
 
 " Two at a Time upon a poor dumb Beaft ? 
 
 " They might as well have carried he at leaft." 
 
 The Pair, ftill pliant to the partial Voice, 
 
 Difmount and bear the Afs Then what a Noife ' 
 
 Huzzas Loud Laughs, low Gibe, and bitter Joke, 
 
 From the yet filent Sire, thefe Words provoke. 
 
 < Proceed, my Boy, nor heed their farther Call, 
 
 " Vain his Attempt, who ftrives to pleafe them all !" 
 
 EPILOGUE.
 
 EPILOGUE, 
 
 WRITTEN by a LADY, 
 And SPOKEN by Mrs. CLIVE. 
 
 WE L L thank my Stars, that I have done my Tafk, 
 And now throw off this aukward, ideot Mafk. 
 Cou'd we fuppofe this Circle fo refin'd, 
 Who feek thofe Pleafures that improve the Mind, 
 Cou'd from fuch vulgarifms feel Delight ; 
 Or laugh at Characters, fo unpolite F 
 Who come to Plays, to fee, and to be feen ; J 
 
 Not to hear Things that fhock, or give the Spleen ; > 
 Who fliun an Opera, when they hear 'tis thin. J 
 
 " Lord ! do you know ?" fays Lady Bell " I'm told 
 " That Jacky Dapple got fo great a Cold 
 " Laft Tuefday Night There wa'n't a Creature there ; 
 " ,Not a male Thing to hand one to one's Chair. 
 <c Divine Mlngotti! what a Swell has llie ! } 
 
 " O ! Such a Suftinuto upon B ! 
 
 " Ma'am^ when fhe's quite in Voice fhe'll go to C. j 
 " Lord," fays my Lady Englijh " here's a Pother ! 
 " Go where Ihe will, I'll never fee another." 
 Her Ladyfhip, half choak'd with London Air, 
 And brought to Town to fee the fights and ftare. 
 " Fine Singing that ! I'm fure it's more like fcreaming : 
 * To me, I vow, they're all a Pack of Women ! 
 
 " Oh Barbare ! Inhuman* ! Tramontane ! 
 
 * e Does not this Creature come from Pudding-Lane ? 
 
 Look, look, my Lord !~She goggles ! Ha, ha, pray be 
 
 quiet ; 
 
 " Dear Lady Bell, for fliame ! You'll make a Riot. , 
 ** Why will they mix with us to make this Rout ? 
 " Bring in a Bill, my Lord, to keep 'em out. 
 " We'll have a Tafte Aft, faith !" my Lord replied ; 
 " And fhut out all, that are not qualified." 
 Thus Ridicule is bounded like a Ball, 7 
 
 Struck by the Great, then" anfwer'd by the Small j 
 While we, at Times, return it to you all. J 
 
 A fkilful Hand will ne'er your Rage provoke; 
 For though it hits you, you'll applaud the Stroke ; 
 Let it but only glance, you'll never frown; 
 }S T ay, you'll forgive, tho't knocks your Neighbour down. 
 
 B 3 Dramatic
 
 Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 At DRURY-LANE, 1782. 
 
 Governor Cape, Mr. WRIGHTEN. 
 
 Young Cape, Mr. AIKIN. 
 
 Sprightly, Mr. R. PALMER. 
 
 Cadwallader, Mr. BANNISTER. 
 
 Poet, Mr. WALDRO-N. 
 
 Vamp, Mr. MOODY. 
 
 Printer's Devil, Mr. BURTON. 
 
 Robin, Mr. CHAPLIN. 
 
 Mrs. Cadwallader, Mrs. WRIGHTEN, 
 Mifs Arabella, Mrs. SHARP,
 
 A 
 C 
 
 U 
 
 o 
 
 T 
 
 T 
 
 M 
 
 H E 
 
 H 
 
 A 
 
 E 
 
 O 
 
 D 
 
 R; 
 
 Y. 
 
 A C T I. 
 
 Governor CAPE, and ROBIN. 
 
 Governor. AND he believes me dead, Robin? 
 ** Rob. Moft certainly. 
 
 Gov. You have given him no Intimation that 
 his Fortunes might mend. 
 
 Rob. Not a diftant Hint, 
 
 Gov. How did he receive the News ? 
 
 Rob. Calmly enough : When I told him that 
 his Hopes from abroad were at an End, that 
 the Friend of his deceafed Father thought he 
 had done enough in putting it in his Power to 
 earn his own Livelihood, he replied 'twas no 
 more than he had long expected ; charged me 
 with his warmeft Acknowledgments to his con- 
 ceal'd Benefactor -, thanked me for my Care, 
 figh'd and left me. 
 
 B 4 Gov.
 
 8 TA? A U T H O R. 
 
 Gov. And how has he lived fince ? 
 
 Rob. Poorly, but honeftly : To his Pen he 
 owes all his Subfiftence. I am fure my Heart 
 bleeds for him : Confider, Sir, to what Temp- 
 tations you expofe him. 
 
 Gov. The feverer his Trials, the greater his 
 Triumph. Shall the Fruits of my honeft In- 
 duftry, the Purchafe of many Perils, be lavim'd 
 on a lazy luxurious Booby, who has no other 
 Merit than being born five-and-twenty Years 
 after me ? No, no, Robin ; him, and a Profu- 
 fion of Debts were all that the Extravagance of 
 his Mother left me. 
 
 Rob. You loved her, Sir. 
 
 Gov. Fondly. nay, foolimly, or Neceflity 
 had not compell'd me to feek for Shelter in ano- 
 ther Climate. 'Tis true, Fortune has been fa- 
 vourable to my Labours, and when George con- 
 vinces me that he inherits my Spirit, he mail 
 fhare my Property ; not elfe. 
 
 Rob. Confider, Sir, he has not your Oppor- 
 tunities. 
 
 Gov. Nor had I his Education. 
 
 Rob. As the World goes, the worft you cou'd 
 have given him. Lack-a-day, Learning, Learn- 
 ing, Sir, is no Commodity for this Market ; no- 
 thing makes Money here, Sir, but Money -, or 
 fome certain famionable Qualities that you 
 would not wifh your Son to poffefs. 
 
 Gov. Learning ufelefs? Impoflible ! Where 
 are the Oxfords, the Halifaxes, the great Pro- 
 teftors and Patrons of the liberal Arts ? 
 
 Rob. Patron ! The Word has loft its Ufe ; 
 a Guinea Subfcription at the Requeft of a Lady, 
 
 whafo
 
 The A U T H O R. 9 
 
 whofe Chambermaid is acquainted with the Au- 
 thor, may be now and theh pick'd up Pro- 
 tectors ! Why I dare believe there's more Mo- 
 ney laid out upon Iflington Turn pike in a Month, 
 than upon all the learned Men in Great Bri- 
 tain in feven Years. 
 
 Gov. And yet the Prefs groans with their Pro- 
 ductions. How do they all exift ? 
 
 Rob. In Garrets, Sir ; as, if you will ftep to 
 your Son's Apartment in the next Street, you 
 will fee. 
 
 Gov.~ Bat what Apology (hall we make for 
 the Vifit ? 
 
 Rob. That you want the Aid of his Pro- 
 
 feffion ; a well penn'd Addrefs now, from the 
 Subjects of your late Government, with your 
 gracious Reply, to put into the News-papers. 
 
 Gov. Aye ; is that Part of his Practice ? 
 Well, lead on, Robin. 
 
 Scene draws and dif covers Young CAPE with 
 the Printer's DEVIL. 
 
 Cape. Prythee go about thy bufinefs *Va- 
 nim, dear Devil. 
 
 Devil. Mafter bid me not come without the 
 Proof; he fays as how there are two other, An- 
 fwers ready for the Prefs, and if your's don't 
 come out a Saturday 't won't payifor the Pa- 
 per ; but you are always fo lazy : I have more 
 Plague with you There's Mr. Guzzle, the 
 Tranflator, never keeps me a Minute unlefa 
 the poor Gentleman happens to be fuddled. 
 
 Cape.
 
 jo nt A U T H O R. 
 
 Cape. Why, you little footy, fniv'ling, dia- 
 bolical Puppy, is it not fufficient to be plagu'd 
 with the Stupidity of your abfurd Matter, but 
 I muft be pefter'd with your Impertinence ? 
 
 Devi/. Impertinence ! Marry, come up, I 
 keep as good Company as your Wormip every 
 
 Day in the Year There's Matter Clench, in 
 
 Little Britain, does not think it beneath him to 
 take Part of a Pot of Porter with me, tho' he 
 has wrote two Volumes of Lives in Quarto, 
 and has a Folio a coming out in Numbers. 
 
 Cape. Harky', Sirrah, if you don't quit the 
 Room this inftant, I'll mew you a morter Way 
 into the Street than the Stairs. 
 
 Devi!. I mall fave you the Trouble Give 
 me the French Book that you took the Story 
 from for the laft Journal. 
 
 Cape. Take it (throws it at him.) 
 
 Devil. What, d'ye think it belongs to the 
 Circulating Library, or that it is one of your 
 own Performances, that you 
 
 Cape. You fhall have a larger (Exit 'Devil. 
 'Sdeath ! a pretty Situation I am in ! And are 
 thefe the Fruits I am to reap from a long, la- 
 borious and expenfive 
 
 Re-enter DEVIL. 
 
 Devil. I had like to have forgot, here's your 
 Week's Pay for the News-paper, five and five- 
 pence, which with the two-and-a-penny, MaK 
 terpafs'd his Word for to Mrs. W.r,your Waih- 
 cr-woman, makes the three hah Crowns. 
 
 Cape. Lay it on the Table. 
 
 Devil. Here*s a Man on the Stairs wants you; 
 
 by
 
 A U T H O R. n 
 
 by the Sheepifhnefs of his Looks, and the Shab- 
 binefs of his Drefs, he's either a Pick-pocket, 
 or Poet Here, walk in, Mr. What-dye-call- 
 'urn, the Gentleman's at Home. 
 
 (Surveys the Figure, laughs^ and exit.) 
 
 Enter Poet. 
 
 Poet* Your name, I prefume, is Cape. 
 
 Cape. You have hit it, Sir. 
 
 Poet. Sir, I beg Pardon ; you are a Gentle- 
 man that write ? 
 
 Cape. Sometimes. 
 
 Poet. Why, Sir, my Cafe, in a Word, is this ; 
 I, like you, have long been a Retainer of the 
 Mufes, as you may fee by their Livery. 
 
 Cafe. They have not difcarded you, I hope, 
 
 Poet. No, Sir, but their upper Servants, the 
 Bookfellers, have. ^-1 printed a Collection of 
 Jefls upon my own Account, and they have 
 ever fince refufed to employ me; you, Sir, I hear, 
 are in their Graces : Now I have brought you, 
 Sir, three Imitations of Juvenal in Profe ; '/#/- 
 /x's Oration for Milo, in blank Verfe ; two Ef- 
 fays on the Britijh Herring Fifhery, with a large 
 Collection ofRebuffes; which, if you will dif- 
 pofe of to them, in ypur own Name, we'll di- 
 vide the Profits. 
 
 Cape, lam really, Sir, forry for your Diftrefs, 
 but I have a larger Cargo of my own manufac-? 
 turing than they chufe to engage in. 
 
 Poet. That's pity ; you have nothing in the 
 compiling or index Way, that you wou'd in- 
 fruft to the Care of another ? 
 
 Cape. Nothing. 
 
 fqet, I'll do it at half Price, 
 
 Cafe.
 
 12 The A U T H O R. 
 
 Cape. I'm concern'd it is not in my Power at 
 prefent to be ufeful to you ; but if this Trifle 
 
 Poet. Sir, your Servant. Shall I leave you 
 any of my = 
 
 Cape. By no Means. 
 
 Poet. An EfTay, or an Ode ? 
 
 Cape. Not a Line. 
 
 Poet. Your very obedient. (Exit Poet. 
 
 Cape. Poor Fellow ! and how far am I re- 
 moved from his Condition ? Ptrgi/had his Pol- 
 llo\ Horace his Meccznas ; Martial his Pliny: 
 My Protestors are Title-page, the Publifljer; 
 Vampy the Bookfeller; and Index, the Primer, 
 A moft noble Triumvirate ; and the Rafcals arc 
 as prescriptive and arbitrary, as the famous Ro- 
 man one, into the Bargain, 
 
 Enter SPRIGHTLY. 
 
 Sfri. What ! in Soliloquy, George ? Recit- 
 ing fome of the Plealantrics, I iuppofe, in your 
 new Piece. 
 
 Cape. My Difpofition has, at prefent, very 
 little of the Vis Comica. 
 
 Sfri. What's the Matter ? 
 
 Cape. Surve^ that Mais of Wealth upon the 
 Table; all my own, and earn'd in little more 
 than a Week. 
 
 Sfri. Why, 'tis an inexhauftible Mine ! 
 
 Cape. Ay, and delivered to me, too, with all 
 the foft Civility of Billingfgate, by a Printer's 
 prime Minifter, call'd a Devil. 
 
 Sfri. I met the Imp upon the Stairs ; but I 
 thought thefe Midwives to the Mufes, were the 
 Idolizers of you, their favourite Sons, 
 
 Cape*
 
 We A U T H O R. 13 
 
 Cape. Our Tyrants, Tom. Had I indeed a 
 pofthumous Piece of Infidelity, or an amorous 
 Novel, decorated with lufcious Copper-plates, 
 the Slaves would be civil enough. 
 
 Spri. Why don't you publifh your own 
 Works ? 
 
 Cape. What! and paper my Room with 'em ? 
 No, no, that will never do ; there are Secrets 
 in all Trades ; ours is one great Myftery, but 
 the Explanation wou'd be too tedious at prefent. 
 
 Spri. Then why don't you divert your At- 
 tention to fome other Object ? 
 
 Cape. That Subject was employing my 
 Thoughts. 
 
 Spri. How have you refolved ? 
 
 Cape. I have, I think, at prefent, two Strings 
 to my Bow ; if my Comedy fucceeds, it buys 
 me a Commifllon ; if my Miftrefs, my Laura, 
 proves kind, I am fettled for Life; but if both 
 my Cords fnap, adieu to the Quill, and wel- 
 come the Mufket. 
 
 Spri. Heroically determined ! But a propos 
 how proceeds your honourable Paffion ? 
 
 Cape. Butflowly I believe I have a Friend 
 in her Heart, but a moft potent Enemy in her 
 Head : You know, I am poor, and (he is pru- 
 dent. With regard to her Fortune too, I be- 
 lieve her Brother's Confent^dTentially neceflary 
 
 But you promifed to make me acquainted 
 
 with him. 
 
 Spri. I expect him here every In flan t. He 
 may, George, be ufeful to you in more than one 
 Capacity ; if your Comedy is not crouded, he is 
 a Character, I can tell you, that will make no 
 contemptible Figure in it. 
 
 Cape.
 
 i 4 He A U T H O R. 
 
 Cape. His Sifter gave me a Sketch of him 
 laft Summer. 
 
 Spri. A Sketch can never convey him. His 
 Peculiarities require infinite Labour and high 
 Finishing. 
 
 Cafe. Give me the Out-lines. 
 
 Spri. He is a Compound of Contrarieties ; 
 Pride and Meannefs ; Folly and Archnefs : At 
 the fame Time that he wou'd take the Wall of a 
 Prince of the Blood, he would not fcruple eating 
 a fry'd Saufage at the Mews-Gate. There is a 
 Minutenefs, now and then, in his Defcriptions ; 
 and fome whimficaJ, unaccountable Turns in 
 his Converfation, that are entertaining enough : 
 But the Extravagance and Oddity of his Man- 
 ner, and the Boaft of his Birth, compleat his 
 Character, 
 
 Cape. But how will a Perfon of his Pride and 
 Pedigree, relifh the Humility of this Apartment ? 
 
 Spri. Oh, he is prepar'd You are, George, 
 tho' prodigioufly learn'd and ingenious, an ab- 
 frracted Being, odd and whimlical ; the Cafe 
 with all you great Genius's: You love the fnug, 
 the Chimney-corner of Life ; and retire to this 
 obfcure Nook, merely to avoid the Importunity 
 of the Great. 
 
 Cape. Your Servant But what Attraction 
 
 can a Character of this Kind have for .Mr. Cad- 
 ival/ader ? 
 
 Spri. Infinite ! next to a Peer, he honours a 
 Poet : And modeftly imputes his not making a 
 Figure in the learned World himfelf to the Ne- 
 glect of his Education huih ! he's on the Stairs 
 
 on with your Cap, and open your Book. 
 
 Remember great Dignity and Abfence. 
 
 Enter
 
 ^AUTHOR. i s 
 
 Enter VAMP. 
 
 Cape. Oh, no ; 'tis Mr. Vamp : Your Com- 
 mands, good Sir ? 
 
 Vamp. I have a Word, Mailer Cape, for your 
 private Ear. 
 
 Cape. You may communicate ; this Gentle- 
 man is a Friend. 
 
 Vamp. An Author ? 
 
 Cape. Voluminous. 
 
 Vamp. In what Way ? 
 
 Cape. Univerfal. 
 
 Vamp. Blefs me ! he's very young, and ex- 
 ceedingly well rigg'd ; what, a good Subfcrip- 
 tion, I reckon. 
 
 Cape . Not a Month from Leyden ; an admir- 
 able Theologifl ! he ftudy'd it in Germany ; if 
 you mould want fuch a Thing now, as ten or a 
 dozen Manufcript Sermons, by a deceas'd Cler- 
 gyman, I believe he can fupply you. 
 
 Vamp. No. 
 
 Cape. Warranted Originals. 
 
 Vamp. No, no, I don't deal in the Sermon 
 Way, now ; I loft Money by the laft I printed, 
 for all 'twas wrote by a Methodift; but, I believe, 
 Sir, if they be'nt long, and have a good deal of 
 Latin in 'em, I can get you a Chap. 
 
 Spri. For what, Sir ? 
 
 Vamp. The Manufcript Sermons you have 
 wrote, and want to difpofe of. 
 
 Spri. Sermons that I have wrote ? 
 
 Vamp. Ay, ay ; Mafter Cape has been telling 
 me 
 
 Spri. Pie has; I am mightily oblig'd to him. 
 
 Vamp. Nay, nay, don't be afraid ; I'll keep 
 
 Council ;
 
 i6 ne A U T H O R. 
 
 Council ; old Vamp had not kept a Shop fo long 
 at the Turnflile, if he did not know how to be 
 fecret; why, in the Year Forty-five, when I 
 was in the treafonable Way, I never fqueak'd ; 
 I never gave up but one Author in my Life, 
 and he was dying of a Confumption, fo it never 
 came to a Trial. 
 
 Spri. Indeed ! 
 
 Vamp. Never look here ( 'Shews the Side 
 
 of his Head) crop'd clofe ! bare as a Board ! 
 and for nothing in the World but an inno- 
 cent Book of Bawdy, as I hope for Mercy : Oh ! 
 the Laws are very hard, very fevere upon us. 
 
 Spri. You have given me, Sir, fo pofitive a 
 Proof of your Secrefy that you may rely upon 
 my Communication. 
 
 Vamp. You will be fafe but gadfo, we 
 
 muft mind Bufinefs, tho' , here, Mailer Cape, 
 you muft provide me with three taking Titles 
 for thefe Pamphlets, and if you can think of a 
 pat Latin Motto for the largeft 
 
 Cape. They (hall be done. 
 . Vamp. Do fo, do fo. Books are like Women, 
 MafterCtf^; toftrike, they muft be well-drefs'd; 
 fine Feathers make fine Birds ; a good Paper, 
 an elegant Type, a handfome Motto, and a 
 catching Title, has drove many a dull Treatife 
 
 thro' three Editions Did you know Harry 
 
 Handy ? 
 
 Spri. Not that I recolleft. 
 
 Vamp. He was a pretty Fellow ; he had his 
 Latin, ad anguem, as they fay ; he would have 
 turn'd you a Fable of Drydens, or an Epiftle of 
 Popes into Latin Verfe in a twinkling ; except 
 
 Peter
 
 Tie A U T H O R. 17 
 
 Peter Hafly the Voyage-writer, he was as great 
 a Lofs to the Trade as any within my Memory. 
 
 Cape. What carry 'd him off? 
 
 Vamp. A Halter; hang'dforclippingandcoin- 
 ing, Mafter Cape ; I thought there was fome- 
 thing the Matter by, his not coming to our Shop 
 for a Month or two: He was a pretty Fellow ! 
 
 Spri. Were you a great Lofer.by his Death? 
 
 Vamp. I can't fay: as he had taken to 
 
 another Courfe of Living, his Execution made 
 a Noife; it fold me feven Hundred of his Tranf- 
 lations, betides his lafl dying Speech and Con- 
 feflion ; I got it ; he was mindful of his Friends 
 in his laft Moments: He was a pretty Fellow ! 
 
 Cape. You have no farther Commands, Mr. 
 Vamp ? 
 
 Vamp. Not at prefent ; about the Spring I'll 
 deal with you, if we can agree for a Coupk of 
 Volumes in Octavo. 
 
 Spri. Upon what Subject ? 
 
 Vamp. I leave that td him ; Mafter Cape 
 knows what will do, tho' Novels are a pretty 
 light Summer reading, and do very well at 
 Tunbridgei Briftol, and the other watering Pla- 
 ces : No bad Commodity for the Weft-India 
 Trade neither -, let J em be Novels, Mailer Cape. 
 
 Cape. You mail be certainly fupply'd. 
 
 Vamp. I doubt not; pray how does Index go 
 on with your Journal ? 
 
 Cape. He does not complain. 
 
 Vamp. Ah, I knew the Time -but you 
 
 have over^ftock'd the Market, fitlepage and I 
 had once lik'd to have engag'd in a Paper. We 
 had got a young Cantab for the EfTays; a pretty 
 Hiftorian from Aberdeen, and an Attorney's 
 C Clerk
 
 i8 <L'be A U T H O R. 
 
 Clerk for the true Intelligence,- but I don't know 
 how, it drop'd for Want of a Politician. 
 
 Cape. If in. that Capacity I can be of any 
 
 Vamp. No, thank you, Matter Cape -, in half 
 a Year's Time, I have a Grandfon of my own 
 that will come in ; he's now in training as a 
 Waiter at the Cocoa-Tree Coffee-houfe } I intend 
 giving him the Run of Jonathan 's for three 
 Months to underftand Trade and the Funds ; 
 
 and then I'll flart him no, no, you have 
 
 enough on your Hands ; flick to your Bufmefs : 
 and d'ye hear, 'ware clipping and coining ; re- 
 member Harry Handy, he was a pretty Fellow ! 
 
 (Exit. 
 
 Spri. And I'm fure thou art a mod extraor- 
 dinary Fellow! Butprythee, George, whatcou'd 
 provoke thee to make me a Writer of Sermons ? 
 
 Cape. You feem'd defirous of being ac*- 
 quainted with our Bufinefs, and I knew old 
 Vamp wou'd let you more into the Secret in five 
 Minutes, than I cou'd in as many Hours. 
 
 (Knocking below, loud.) 
 
 Spri. Cape, to your Port; here they are 
 e'faith, a Coachful ! Let's fee, Mr. and Mrs. 
 Cadwallader, and your Flame, theSifter,asI live. 
 (Cadwallader 'without) 
 
 Pray, by the Bye, han't you a ^oet above ? 
 
 (Without.) Higher up. 
 
 Cad. Egad, I wonder what makes your POT 
 ets have fuch an Averfion to middle Floors- 
 they are always to be found in the Extremities j 
 in Garrets, or Cellars
 
 A U T H O R, 19 
 
 Enter Mr. and Mrs. CADWALLADE^ and 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Cad. Ah ! Sprightly ! 
 
 Spri. Hufh ! 
 
 Cad. Hey, what's the Matter ? 
 
 Sfri. Hard at it; untwifting foiie knotty 
 Point; totally abforb'd ! 
 
 Cad. Gadfo ! what, that's he ! Becky Be//, 
 there he is, egad, as great a Poet, and as inge- 
 nious a ^-what's he about ? Hebrew ? 
 
 Spri. Weaving the whole ^Eneid into a Tra- 
 gedy : I have been here this half Hour, but he 
 has not mark'd me yet. 
 
 Cad, Cou'd not I take a Peep ? 
 
 Spri. An Earthquake wou'd not rouze him. 
 
 Cad. He feems in a damn'd Paffion. 
 
 Cape. The Belt of Pallas ! nor Prayers, nor 
 Tears, nor fupplicating Gods {hall fave thee 
 now. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Zounds, what the Devil ? who ? 
 
 Cape. ->Pallas ! te hoc vulnere, Pallas 
 
 Immolat, & pcenam fcelerato ex f anguine fumit. 
 
 Cad. Damn your Palace; I wifli I was well 
 out of your Garret. 
 
 Cape. Sir, I beg ten tho'ifand Pardons : La- 
 dies, your moft devoted. You will excufe me, 
 Sir, but being juft on the Cataftrophe of my 
 Tragedy, I am afraid the poetic Furor may have 
 betray 'd me into fome Indecency. 
 
 Spri. Oh, Mr. Cadwallader is too great a 
 Genius himfelf, not to. allow for thefe intern^ 
 perate Sallies of a heated Imagination. 
 
 Cad. Genius ! Look ye hear, Mr. What's* 
 your-name ? 
 
 Cafe. Cape. 
 
 C 2 Cad.
 
 20 Me AUTHOR. 
 
 Cad. Cape! True; tho' by the Bye here, 
 hey! You live devilifti high; but perhaps you 
 may chufe that for Exercife, hey ! Sprightly f 
 Genius! Look'e here, Mr. Cafe, I had as pret- 
 ty natural Parts, as fine Talents ! but between 
 you and I, I had a damn'd Fool of a Guardian, 
 
 an ignorant, illiterate, ecod he cou'd as foon. 
 
 pay the national Debt as write his own Name, 
 and fo was refolv'd to make his Ward no wifer 
 than himfelf, I think. 
 
 Spri. Oh ! fye, Mr. Cadwallader, you don't 
 do yourfelf Juftice. 
 
 Cape. Indeed, Sir, we muft contradict you, 
 we can't fuffer this Defamation. I have more 
 than once heard Mr. Cadwalladers literary Ac- 
 quifitions loudly talk'd of. 
 
 Cad, Have you? no, no, it can't be, 
 
 hey ! tho' let me tell you, laft Winter, before 
 I had the Meafles, I cou'd have made as good a 
 Speech upon any Subject, in Italian^ French^ 
 
 German but I am all unhing'd ; all Oh ! 
 
 Lord, Mr. Cape t this is Becky j my dear Becky, 
 
 Child, this is a great Poet ah, but me does 
 
 not know what that is a little foolifh or fo, 
 
 but of a very good Family here Becky t Child, 
 won't you afk Mr. Cape to come and fee you ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. As Dicky, fays, I (hall be glad to 
 fee you at our Houfe, Sir. 
 
 Cape. I have too great a Regard for my own 
 Happinefs, Ma'am, to mifs fo certain an Op- 
 portunity of creating it. 
 Mrs. Cad. Hey! What? 
 Cape. My Inclinations, as well as my Duty, 
 I fay, will compel me to obey your kind In- 
 j unctions, 
 
 Mrs. Cad,
 
 The A U T H O R. 21 
 
 Mrs. Cad. What does he fay, our Bell? 
 
 Arab. Oh, that he can have no greater 
 Pleafure than waiting on you. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I'm fure that's more his Goodnefs 
 thin my Defert -, but when you be'nt better en- 
 gag'd we mou'd be glad of your Company of an, 
 Evening to make one with our Dicky, Sifter Bell, 
 and I, at Whifk and Swabbers. 
 
 Cad. Hey, ecod do, Cape, come and look at 
 her Grotto and Shells and fee what me has got 
 well, he'll come, Beck, ecod do, and me'll 
 come to the third Night of your Tragedy, hey ! 
 
 won't you, Beck ? is'nt (he a fine Girl ? 
 
 hey, you ; humour her a little, do j- hey, 
 
 Beck ; he fays you are as fine a Woman as ever 
 he ecod who knows but he may make a Copy 
 of Verfes on you ? there, go, and have a little 
 Chat with her, talk any Nonfenfe to her, no 
 Matter what ; (he's a damn'd Fool, and won't 
 know the Difference there, go, Beck well, 
 Sprightly, hey ! what are you and Bell like to 
 come together ? Oh, ecod, they tell me, Mr. 
 Sprightly, that you have frequently Lords and 
 Vifcounts and Earls, that take a Dinner with 
 you ; now I mou'd look upon it as a very par- 
 ticular Favour, if you would invite me at the 
 fame Time, hey ! will you ? 
 
 Spri. You may depend on it. 
 
 Cad. Will you ? Gad, that's kind; for be- 
 tween you and I, Mr. Sprightly, I am of as 
 antient a Family as the beft of them, and Peo- 
 ple of Faihion (hou'd know one another, you 
 know. 
 
 Spri. By all manner of Means, 
 
 C 3 Cad.
 
 2t Me A U T H O It. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! /hould not they fo ? When yotl 
 have any Lord, oT Baron, nay egad, if it be but 
 a Baronet, or a Member of Parliament, I fliou'd 
 take it as a Favour. 
 
 Spri. You will do them honour; they mud 
 all have heard of the Antiquity of your Houfc. 
 
 Cad. Antiquity ! hey ! Beck, vvhere's my 
 Pedigree ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why at Home, lock'd up in the 
 Butler's Pantry. 
 
 Cad. In the Pantry ! What the Devil, how 
 often have I bid you never to come out with- 
 out it? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Lord ! What fignifies carrying 
 fuch a lumb'ring Thing about ? 
 
 Cad. Signifies ! you are a Fool, Beck, why 
 fuppofe we mould have any Difputes when we 
 are abroad, about Precedence ? how the Devil 
 fhall we be able to fettle it ? But you (hall fee 
 it at Home. Oh Becky, come hither, we will 
 
 refer our Difpute to f c l bey go apart.) 
 
 Arab. Well, Sir, your Friend has prevail'd j 
 ouare acquainted with my Brother; but what 
 
 fe you propofe 
 
 Cape. The Pleafurc of a more frequent Ad- 
 miffion to you. 
 Arab. That all ? 
 
 Cape. Who knows but a ftricl: intimacy with 
 Mr. Cadwallader may in Time incline him to 
 favour my Hopes ? 
 
 Arab. A fandy Foundation ! Cou'd he be 
 prevail'd upon to forgive your Want of Fortune; 
 the Obfcurity, or at leaft Uncertainty, of your 
 Birth, will prove an unfurmountable Bar. 
 
 Cad. 
 
 y u
 
 The A U T H O R. 23 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, hold, Beck -, zounds ! you 
 are fo 
 
 Spri. Well, but hear him out, Ma'am. 
 
 Cape. Confider we have but an Inftant. 
 What Projea? What Advice ? 
 
 Arab. O fye ! You would be afliam'd to re- 
 ceive Succour from a weak Woman ! Poetry is 
 your Profeflion, you know ; fo that Plots, Con- 
 trivances, and all the Powers of Imagination, 
 are more peculiarly your Province. 
 
 Cape. Is this a Seafon to rally ? 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, hold; afk Mr. Cape. 
 
 Arab. To be ferious then ; if you have any 
 Point to gain with my Brother, your Applica- 
 tion muft be made to his better Part. 
 
 Cafe. I underftand you; plough with the 
 Heifer. 
 
 Arab. A delicate Allufion, on my Word ; 
 but take this Hint Amongft her Paffions, Ad- 
 miration, or rather Adoration, is the principal. 
 
 Cape. Oh; that is her Foible ? 
 
 Arab. One of them ; againft that Fort you 
 muft plant your Batteries But here they are. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I tell you, you are a nonfenfeMan, 
 and I won't agree to any fuch Thing : Why 
 what fignifies a Parliament Man ? You make 
 fuch a Rout indeed. 
 
 Cad. Hold, Becky, my Dear, don't be in a 
 Pailion now, hold ; let us reafon the Thing a 
 little, my Dear. 
 
 Mrs. Cad-. I. tell you I won't; what's the 
 Man an Oafe ? I won't reafon, I hate reafon, 
 and fo there's an End on't. 
 
 Cad. Why then you are obftinate ecod, per- 
 
 verfe, hey ! But my Dear, np\y, Becky, that's a 
 
 C 4 good
 
 24 Me A U T H O R. 
 
 good Girl : Hey ! come, hold-, hold 
 
 we'll refer it to Mr. Cape. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Defer it to who you will, it will 
 jfignify nothing. 
 
 Cape. BJefs me, what's the Matter, Madam ? 
 Sure, Mr. Cadwallader, you muft have been to 
 blame ; no inconfiderable Matter cou'd have 
 ruffled the natural Softnefs of that tender and 
 delicate Mind. 
 
 Arab. Pretty well commenced. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why he s always a Fool, I think ; 
 he wants to fend our little Dicky to School, and 
 make him a Parliament Man. 
 
 Cape. How old is Mafter, Ma'am ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Three Years and a Quarter, come 
 Lady-day. 
 
 Cape. The Intention is rather early. 
 Cad. Hey! early, hold, hold; but Becky, 
 miftakes the Thing, egad I'll tell you the 
 whole Affair. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. You had better hold your chat- 
 tering, fo you had. 
 
 Cad. Nay, prythee, my Dear j Mr. Spright- 
 ly, do, flop her Mouth, hold, hold j the Matter, 
 Mr. Cape> is this. Have you ever feen my Dicky ? 
 
 Cape. Never. 
 
 Cad. No? Hold, hold, egad he's a fine, a fen- 
 fible Child j I tell Becky he's like her, to keep 
 her in Humour; but between you and I he has 
 more Senfe already, than all her Family put to- 
 gether. Hey! Becky\ is not Dicky the Pi&urc 
 of you ? He's a fweet Child ! Now, Mr. Cape, 
 you muft know, I want to put little Dicky to 
 School ; now between hey ! you, hold, you, 
 hold, the great Ufe of a School is, hey ! egad, 
 
 for
 
 We A U T H O R. 25 
 
 for Children to make Acquaintances, that may 
 hereafter be ufeful to them; for between you 
 and I, as to what they learn there, does not 
 iignify Two-pence. 
 Cape. Not a Farthing. 
 Cad. Does it, hey ? Now this is our Difpute, 
 whether poor little Dicky, he's a fweet Boy, 
 {hall go to Mr. Qua-Genius at Edgware, and 
 make an Acquaintance with my young Lord 
 Knap, the eldeft Son of the Earl of Prize, or to 
 Dodtor Ticklepitcbers at Barnet, to form a 
 Friendfhip with young Stocks, the rich Broker's 
 only Child. 
 
 Cape. And for which does the Lady deter- 
 mine ? 
 
 Cad. Why I have told her the Cafe ; fays I, 
 Becky, my Dear; who knows, if Dicky goes to 
 $u<z Genius's, but my Lord Knap may take 
 fuch a Fancy to him, that upon the Death of 
 his Father, and he comes to be Earl of Prize, 
 he may make poor little Dicky a Member of 
 Parliament ? Hey ! Cape ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, but then if Dicky goes to 
 tfickJepitcktrs who can tell but young Stocks, 
 when he comes to his Fortune, may lend him 
 Money if he wants it? 
 
 Cad. And if he does not want it, he won't 
 take after his Father, hey ! Well, what's your 
 Opinion, Mailer Cape ? 
 
 Cape. Why Sir, I can't but join with the 
 Lady, Money is the main Article ; it is that 
 that makes the Mare to go. 
 
 Cad. Hey! egad, and the Alderman too, 
 you ; fo Dicky may be a Member, and a Fig 
 for my Lord : Well, Becky, be" quiet, he (hall 
 flick to Stocks. 
 
 Mrs,
 
 26 rte A U T H O 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay Ict'n ; I was fure as how I 
 was right. 
 
 Cad. Well, \\uft\Becky. Mr. Cape, will you 
 cat a Bit with us to-day, hey ! will you ? 
 
 Cape. You command me. 
 
 Cad. That's kind; why then Becky and-&>// 
 fhall ftep and order the Cook to tois up a little, 
 nice Hey ! will you, Becky ? Do, and I'll 
 bring Cape. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, with all my Heart. Well, 
 Mr. What- dye-cair urn, the Poet; ecod the 
 Man's well enough Your Servant. 
 
 Cape. I am a little too much in Dimabille, 
 to offer your Ladyfhip my Hand to your Coach. 
 
 Cad. Pfhaw ! never mind, I'll do it Here 
 you have Company coming. 
 
 (Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Cad. and Arab. 
 
 Enter GOVERNOR and ROBIN. 
 
 Cape. Ah, Mafter Robin \ 
 
 Robin. Why, you have a great Levee this 
 Morning, Sir. 
 
 Cape. Ay Robin, there's no obfcuring ex- 
 traordinary Talents. 
 
 Rob. True, Sir; and this Friend of mine 
 begs to claim the Benefit of them. 
 
 Cape. Any Friend of yours : But how can I 
 be ferviceable to him ? 
 
 Rob. Why, Sir, he is lately return'd from a 
 profitable Government; and, as you know the 
 unfatisfied Mind of Man, no fooner is one Ob- 
 ject poflefs'd, but another ftarts up to - 
 
 Cape. A Truce to moralizing, dear Robin, 
 to the Matter; I am a little bufy. 
 
 Rob.
 
 tte AUTHOR. 27 
 
 In a Word then, this Gentleman, 
 having a good deal of Wealth, is deiirous of a 
 little Honour. 
 
 Cafe. How can I confer it ? 
 
 Rob. Your Pen may. 
 
 Cape. I don't under/land you. 
 
 Rob. Why touch him up a handfome com- 
 plimentary Addrefs from his Colony, by Way of 
 prailing the Prudence of his Adminifrration, 
 his Juftice, Valour, Benevolence, and 
 
 Cape. I am forry 'tis impoffible for me now 
 to mifunderftand you. The Obligations I owe 
 you, Robin, nothing can cancel j otherwife, 
 this wou'd prove our laft Interview. 'Your 
 Friend, Sir, has been a little miftaken, in re- 
 commending me as a Perfon fit for your Purpofe. 
 Letters have been always my Paffion, and indeed 
 are now my Profeffion ; but tho' I am the 
 Servant of the Public, I am not the Proftitute 
 of Particulars : As my Pen has never been 
 ting'd with Gall, to gratify popular Refent- 
 ment, or private Pique, fo it fhall never facrifke 
 its Integrity to flatter Pride, impofe Falfhood, 
 or palliate Guilt. Your Merit may be great, 
 but let thofe, Sir, be the Heralds of your 
 Worth, who are better acquainted with it. 
 
 Gcv. Young Man, I like your Principles and 
 Spirit; your manly Refufal gives me more 
 Pleafure, than any Honors your Papers cou'd 
 have procured me. 
 
 Spri. Now this Bufinefs is difpatch'd, let us 
 
 return to our own Affairs You dine at 
 
 Cadwalladers ? 
 
 Cape. 1 do. 
 
 Spri.
 
 28 We A U T H O R. 
 
 Spri. Wou'd it not be convenient to you, to 
 have him out of the Way ? 
 
 Cape. Extremely. 
 
 Spri. I have a Project, that I think will 
 prevail. 
 
 Cape. Of what kind ? 
 
 Spri. Bordering upon the Dramatic ; but the 
 Time is fo prefling, I mall be at a lofs to pro- 
 cure Performers. Let's fee Robin is a fure 
 
 Card A Principal may eafily be met with, 
 
 but where the Duce can I get an Interpreter ? 
 
 Rob. Offer yourfelf, Sir ; it will give you an 
 Opportunity of more clofely infpecting the 
 Conduct of your Soi.. 
 
 Gov. True. Sir, tho' a Scheme of this Sort 
 may ill fuit with my Character and Time of 
 Life, yet from a private Intereft I take in that 
 Gentleman's Affairs, if the Means are honour- 
 able 
 
 Spri. Innocent upon my Credit. 
 
 Gov. Why then, Sir, I have no Objection, 
 if you think me equal to the Tafk 
 
 Spri. Moft happily fitted for it. I fhou'd not 
 have taken the Liberty but hum ! He's re- 
 turn'd. 
 
 Enter CADWALLADER. 
 
 Spri. My dear Friend ! the luckieft Cir- 
 cumflance ! 
 
 Cad. Hey ! how ? Stay, hey ! 
 
 Spri. You fee that Gentleman ? 
 
 Cad. Well, hey ! 
 
 Spri. Do you know who he is ? 
 
 Cad. Not I. 
 
 Spri. He is Interpreter to Prince Poto'wowjky. 
 
 Cad. Woiujky* Who the Devil is he? 
 
 Spri.
 
 Me A U T H O R. 29 
 
 Spri. Why the Tartarian Prince, that's come 
 over Ambaffador from the Cham of the Cal- 
 mucks. 
 
 Cad. Indeed ! 
 
 Spri. His Highnefs has juft fent me an In- 
 vitation to dine with him ; now every body 
 that dines with a Tartarian Lord, has a Right 
 to carry with him what the Latins call'd his 
 Umbra -, in their Language it is Jablanoujky. 
 
 Cad. Jablanoujky\ well? 
 
 Spri. Now if you will go in that Capacity, 
 I mall be glad of the Honour. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! why wou'd you carry me to dine 
 with his Royal Highnefs ? 
 
 Spri. With Pleafure. 
 
 Cad. My dear Friend, I (hall take it as the 
 
 greatefl Favour, the greateft Obligation 1 
 
 ihall never be able to return it. 
 
 Spri. Don't mention it. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! but hold, hold, how the Devil 
 {hall I get off with the Poet ? You know I 
 have afk'd him to Dinner. 
 
 Spri. Oh, the Occafion will be Apology 
 fufficient ; befides, there will be the Ladies to 
 receive him. 
 
 Cad. My dear Mr. Cape, I beg ten thoufand 
 Pardons, but here your Friend is invited to 
 Dinner with Prince what the Devil is his 
 Name ?- - 
 
 Sfri. Potoivowjki. 
 
 Cad. True j now, Sir, ecod he has been fo 
 Jdnd as to offer to carry me as his Jablanoujky, 
 wou'd you be fo good to excufe- 
 
 Cafe* By all means , rtqt a Word, I beg. 
 
 Cad.
 
 30 tte A U T H O R. 
 
 Cad. That is exceeding kind ; I'll come to 
 you after Dinner ; hey ! ftay, but is there any 
 Ceremony to be ufed with his Highnefs ? 
 
 Spri. You dine upon Carpets, crois-legg'd. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, crois-legg'd, Zounds! 
 that's odd, well, well, you {hall te^ch me. 
 
 Spri. And his Highnels is particularly pleated 
 with thofe amongft his Guefts that do honour 
 to his country Soup. 
 
 Cad. Oh! let me alone for that ; but (hould 
 not I drefs ? 
 
 Spri. No, there's no Occafion for it. 
 
 Cad. Dear Friend, forgive me; nothing 
 fliould take me from you, but being a Hobblin 
 Wijky. Well, I'll go and ftudy to fit crois- 
 leggM, 'till you call me. 
 ' bpr'i. Do fo. 
 
 Cad. His Highnefs Potowowjky \ This is the 
 lucjtieft Accident ! (Exit. 
 
 Cape. Hah ! hah ! hah ! but how will you 
 conduct your Enterprize ? 
 
 Spri. We'll carry him to your Friend in's ; 
 drefs up one of the under Adlors in a n.. L "as 
 Habit; this Gentleman (hail talk a littic G e^ 
 rim with him. I'll compofe a Soup of ibim i 
 feous Ingredients; let me alone to manage. at 
 do youchufe, Sir, the Part we haveailtgn'd . f 
 
 Gov. As it feems to be but a hai mlcis Piece 
 of Mirth, I have no objection. 
 
 Spri. Well then let us about it$ come, Sir, 
 
 Cape. Mr. Uprightly ! 
 
 Spri. What's the Matter ? 
 
 Cape. Wou'd it not be right to be a little 
 fpruce, a little fmart upon this Occa.fion ? 
 
 Sfri,
 
 A U T H O R. 31 
 
 Spri. No doubt; drefs, drefs, Man 5 no Time 
 Is to be loft. 
 
 Cape. Well, but Jack* I cannot fay that at 
 prelent I 
 
 Spri. Prythee explain. What would you fay ? 
 
 Cape. Why then, I cannot fay, that I have 
 any other Garments at Home, 
 
 'Spri. Oh, I under/land yon, is that all ? 
 Here, here, take my 
 
 Cape. Dear Sprightly, I am quite afhamed, 
 and fbrry. 
 
 Spri. That's not fo obliging, George; what, 
 forry to give me the greater! Pleafure that - 
 But I have no time for Speeches ; I muft run to 
 get ready my Soup. Come, Gentlemen. 
 
 Rob. Did you obferve, Sir ? 
 
 Gov. Moft feelingly ! But it will foon be 
 over. 
 
 Rob. Courage, Sir; Times perhaps may 
 change. 
 
 Cape. A poor Profpe&, Robin! But this 
 Scheme of Life at leaft muft be changed ; for 
 what Spirit, with the leaft Spark of Gene- 
 rofity, can fupport a Life of eternal Obligav 
 tion ? and difagreeable Drudgery ? Inclination 
 not confulttd, Genius cramp'd, and Talents 
 mifapply'd. 
 
 What Profpeft have thofe Authors to be read, 
 \Yhofe daily Writings earn their daily Bread ? 
 
 (Exeunt, 
 
 q f the Firft Aft. 
 
 ACT II.
 
 j ttt A U T H O R. 
 
 A C T II. 
 
 Young CAPE and Mrs. CADWALLADER 
 at Cards. 
 
 Mrs. ? 'VT' OU want four, and I two, and 
 
 Cad. 5 * my Deal : Now, Knave noddy 
 no, Hearts be Trumps. 
 
 Cape. I beg. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Will you flock 'em ? 
 
 Cape. Go on, if you pleale, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Lad. Hearts again One, two, three \ 
 one, two, hang 'em, they won't (lip, three. 
 Diamonds - the two: Have your higher than 
 the Queen ? 
 
 Cape. No, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Then there's higheft and low- 
 eft, by Gofh. Games are even ; you are to deal. 
 
 Cage. Pfhaw, hang Cards ; there are other 
 Amuiements better fuited to a tete^a tete, than 
 any the four Aces can afford us. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. What Paftimes be they ? - We 
 ben't enough for Hunt the Whittle, nor Blind- 
 Man's Buff: but I'll call our jBf//, and Robin 
 the Butler. Dicky will be here an Bye. 
 
 Cape. Hold a Minute. I have a Game to. 
 propofe, where the Prefence of a third Perfon, 
 efpecially Mr. Cadwalladers, wou'd totally ruin 
 the Sport. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, what can that be ? 
 Cape. Can't you gucfs ? 
 Mrs. Cad. Not I ; Queftions and Commands, 
 mayhap, 
 
 Cape.
 
 tt* A U T H O R. 33 
 
 Cape. Not abfolutely that fome little Re- 
 
 femblance ; for I am to requefl, and you are to 
 command. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Oh daify ! that's charming, I ne- 
 ver play'd at that in all my born Days ; come, 
 begin then. 
 
 Cape. Can you love me ? 
 
 Mrs.Cad. Love you! But isitinjeftorearneft? 
 
 Cape. That is as you pleafe to determine. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. But mayn't I alk you Queftions 
 too ? 
 
 Cape. Doubtlefs. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why then do you love Me ? 
 
 Cape. With all my Soul. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Upon your Sayfo. 
 
 Cape. Upon my Sayfo. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I'm glad on't with all my Heart. 
 This is the rareft Paftime ! 
 
 Cape. Butyouhavenotanfwer'dmyQueftion. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hey ? that's true. Why 1 believe 
 there's no Love loft. 
 
 Cape. So ; our Game will foon be over ; I 
 fliall be up at a Deal. I wirti I mayn't be en- 
 gag'd to play deeper here than I intended tho'. 
 
 (Afidt.J 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Well, now 'tis your Turn. 
 
 Cape. True ; aye ; but zooks you are too 
 hafty ; the Pleafure of this Play, like Hunting, 
 does not coniift in immediately chopping the 
 Prey. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. No! How then ? 
 
 Cape. Why firft I am to ftart you, then run 
 
 you a little in View, then lofe you, then un- 
 
 D ravel
 
 34 tfte A U T H O R. 
 
 ravel all the Tricks and Doubles you make to 
 efcape me. 
 
 You fly oer Hedge and Stile, 
 I purfuefor many a Mile, 
 You grow tird at loft and quat, 
 Then I catch you, and all that. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Dear me, there's a deal on't ! I 
 fliall never be able to hold out long ; I had 
 rather be taken in View. 
 
 Cape. I believe you. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Well, come, begin and ftart me, 
 that I may come the fooner to quatting Hufti ! 
 here's Sifter j what the Deuce brought her? Bell 
 will be for learning this Game too, but don't 
 you teach her for your Life, Mr. Poet. 
 
 Enter ARABELLA. 
 
 Arab. Your Mantua-maker, with your new 
 Sack, Sifter. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Is that all ? She might have 
 ftay'd I think. 
 
 Arab. What ? You were better engaged ? 
 But don't be angry, I am forry I interrupted 
 you. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hey ! Now will I be hang'd if me 
 be'nt jealous of Mr. Poet; but I'll Men, a,nd 
 fee the End on't, I'm refolved. (Afide and Exit. 
 
 Arab. Are you concern'd at the Interruption 
 too? 
 
 Cape. It was a very feafonable one, I pro- 
 mife you; had you ftay'd a little longer, I don't 
 know what might have been the Confequence. 
 
 Arab. No Danger to your Perfon, I hope. 
 
 Cape.
 
 We A U T H O R. 35 
 
 Cape. Some little Attacks upon it* 
 
 Arab* Which were as feebly refifled. 
 
 Cape. Why, confider, my dear Be/I; tho' 
 your Sifter is a Fool, (he is a fine Woman, and 
 Flefti is frail. 
 
 Arab. Dew Belli And Flefli is frail ! We 
 are grown ftrangely familiar, I think. 
 
 Cape. Heydey ! Ii\what Corner fits the Wind 
 now ? 
 
 Arab. Where it may pofTibly blow ftrong 
 enough to overfet your Hopes. 
 
 Cape. That a Breeze of your Breath can do. 
 
 Arab. Affected! 
 
 Gape. You are obliging Madam j but pray, 
 what is the Meaning of all this ? 
 
 Arab. Afk your own guilty Confcience. 
 
 Cape. Were I inclined to flatter myfelf, this 
 little Paffion wou'd be no bad Prefage. 
 
 Arab. You may prove a falfe Prophet. 
 
 Cape. Let me die, if I know what to But 
 to defcend to a little common Senfe; what 
 Part of my Conduct 
 
 Arab. Look'e, Mr. Cape t all Explanations 
 are unneceflary : I have been lucky enough to 
 difcover your Difpofition before it is too late ; 
 and fo you know there's no Occafion but 
 however, I'll not be any impediment to you; 
 my Sifter will be back immediately ; I fuppofe 
 my Prefence will only But confider, Sir, I 
 have a Brother's Honour 
 
 Cape. Which is as fafe from me,, as if it was 
 lock'd up in your Brother's Clofet : But iure- 
 ly, Madam, you are a little capricious, here ; 
 have I done any thing but obey your Di- 
 rections ? 
 
 D 2 Arab,
 
 36 The A U T H O R. 
 
 Arab. That was founded upon a Suppofitiori 
 that -but no matter. 
 
 Cape. That what ? 
 
 Arab. Why, I was weak enough to believe, 
 what you was wicked enough to proteft 
 
 Cape. That I loved you ; and what Reafon 
 have I given you to doubt it ? 
 
 Arab. A pretty Situation I found you in at 
 my Entrance. 
 
 Cape. An afiumed Warmth, for the better 
 Concealing the Fraud. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. What's that ? (AJide, llftenlng. 
 
 Cape. Surely if you doubted my Conftancy, 
 you muft have a better Opinion of my Under- 
 ftanding. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Mighty well. (Afide. 
 
 Cape. What an Ideot, a Driveller ! no Con- 
 fideration upon Earth, but my paving the Way 
 to the Pofleffion of you, could have prevail'd 
 upon me to fupport her Folly a Minute. 
 
 Enter Mrs. CADWALLADER. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Soh ! Mr. Poet, you arc a pretty 
 Gentleman, indeed; ecod, I'm glad I have 
 caught you. I'm not fuch a Fool as you think 
 for, Man ; but here will be Dicky prefently, he 
 fhall hear of your Tricks, he fhall : I'll let him 
 know what a pretty Perfon he has got in his 
 Houfe. 
 
 Cape. There's no parrying this ; had not I 
 better decamp. 
 
 Arab. And leave me to the Mercy of the 
 Enemy : My Brother's Temper is fo odd, there's 
 no knowing in what Light he'll fee this. 
 
 Mrs. Cad.
 
 We A U T H O R. 37 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Oh, he's below, I hear him. 
 Now we fhall hear what he'll fay to you, 
 Madam* 
 
 Enter CADWALLADER, GOVERNOR, 
 SPRIGHTLY and ROBIN. 
 
 Cad. No, pray walk in, Mr. Interpreter, 
 between you and I, I like his Royal High- 
 nefs mightily; he's a polite, pretty, well-bred 
 Gentleman- but damn his Soup. 
 
 Gov. Why, Sir, you eat as if you lik'd it. 
 
 Cad. Lik'd it ! hey, egad, I would not eat 
 another Mefs to be his Matter's prime Minifter; 
 as bitter as Gall, and as black as my Hat; and 
 there have I been fitting thefe two Hours with 
 rny legs under me 'till they are both as dead 
 as a Herring. 
 
 Cape. Your Dinner difpleas'd you ? 
 
 Cad. Difpleas'd ! hey ! Look'e, Mr. Spright- 
 ly, I'm mightily obliged to you for the Honour; 
 but hold, hold, you (hall never perfuade me to 
 be a Hobblinwijky again, if the great Cham of 
 the Calmucks were to come over himfelf. Hey 1 
 and what a damn'd Language hashe got ? Whee, 
 haw, haw! but youfpeak it very fluently. 
 
 Gov. I was long refident in the Country. 
 
 Cad, May be fo, but he feems to fpeak it 
 better; you have a foreign kind of an Accent^ 
 you don't found it through the Nofe fo well as 
 he. Hey ! well Becky, what, and how have 
 you entertain'd Mr. Cape ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Oh ! here have been fine Doings 
 iince you have been gone. 
 
 Gape. So, now comes on the Storm. 
 
 D 3 Cad.
 
 38 Me A U T H O R. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, what has been the 
 Matter ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Matter ! why the Devil is in 
 the Poet, I think. 
 
 Cad. The Devil! hold. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why here he has been making 
 Love to me like bewitch'd. 
 
 Cad. How, which Way ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why fome on't was out of his 
 Poetcy, I think. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, egad I believe he's a 
 little mad ; this Morning he took me for King 
 *Iurnus, you ; now who can tell, but this Af- 
 ternoon he may take you for Queen Dido ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And there he told me I was to run, 
 and to double, and quat, and there he was to 
 catch me, and all that. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, catch you ? Mr. Cape, I 
 take it very unkindly ; it was, d'ye fee, a very 
 unfriendly Thing to make Love to Becky in 
 my Abfence. 
 
 Cape. But, Sir. 
 
 Cad. And it was the more ungenerous, Mr. 
 Cape, to take this Advantage, as you know flie 
 is but a foolifh Woman. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, me ; who am but a foolifli 
 Woman. 
 
 Cape. But hear me. 
 
 Cad. A poor ignorant, illiterate, poor Becky \ 
 And for a Man of your Parts to attack- 
 
 Cape. There's no-- 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, ecod it is juft as if the 
 Grand Signor, at the Head of his Janifaries, 
 was to kick a Chimney-fweeper.
 
 The A U T H O R. 39 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hey ! what's that you fay, Dicky ; 
 what, be I like a Chimney-fweeper ? 
 
 Cad. Hey! hold, hold. Zounds ! no, Beck; 
 hey ! no : That's only by Way of Simile, to \tt 
 him fee I underftand your Tropes, and Figures, 
 as well as himfelf, egad ! and therefore - - 
 
 Spri. Nay, but Mr. Cadwallader 
 
 Cad. Don't mention it, Mr. Sprightly, he is 
 the firft Poet I ever had in my Houfe, except 
 the Bellman for a Chriftmas-box. 
 
 Spri. Good Sir. 
 
 Cad. And hold, hold - y I am refolved he fhall 
 be the Jaft. 
 
 Spri. I have but one Way to filence him. 
 
 Cad, And let me tell you 
 
 Spri. Nay, Sir, if I muft tell him j he owes 
 his Reception here to my Recommendation ; 
 any abufe of your Goodnefs, any Breach of 
 Hofpitality here, he is anfwerable to me for. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, fo he is, ecod ; at 
 him ; give it him home. 
 
 Spri. Ungrateful Monfler ! and is this your 
 Return for the open, generous Treatment 
 
 Mrs, Cad, As good fry'd Cow-heel, with a 
 roaft Fowl and Saufages, as ever came toaTable. 
 
 Cad, Hum, Beck, hufli ! 
 
 Spri. And cou'd you find no other Object, 
 but Mr. Cadwallader j a Man, perhaps, poffefs'd 
 qf a Genius fuperior to your own-r- 
 
 Cad. If I had had a Univeriity Education * 
 
 Spri. And of a Family as old as the Creation. 
 
 Cad. Older ; Beck, fetch the Pedigree. 
 
 Spri. Thus far relates to, this Gentleman ; 
 but now, Sir, what Apology can you make me, 
 who was your PafTport, your Security ? 
 
 D 4 Cad.
 
 40 r&e A U T H O R. 
 
 Cad. Zounds, none ; fight him. 
 
 Spri. Fight him ? 
 
 Cad. Ay, do; I'd fight him myfelf, if I had 
 not had the Meafles laft Winter; but ftay till 
 I get out of the Room. 
 
 Spri. No, he's fure of a Protection here, the 
 Prefence of the Ladies. 
 
 Cad. Pfhaw, Pox ! they belong to the Fa- 
 mily, never mind them. 
 
 Spri. Well, Sir, are you dumb ? No Excufe? 
 No Palliation ? 
 
 Cad. Ay, no Palliation ? 
 
 M r s. Cad. Ay, no Tribulation ? It's a Shame, 
 fo it is. 
 
 Cape. When I have leave to fpeak 
 
 Cad. Speak ! what the Devil can you fay ? 
 
 Cafe. Nay, Sir 
 
 Sprt. Let's hear him, Mr. Cadwaltader, how- 
 ever. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold ; come, begin then. 
 
 Cape. And firft to you Mr. Sprightly, as you 
 feen moft interested ; pray does this Charge 
 correfpond with any other Action of my Life, 
 iinqe I have had the honour to know you ? 
 
 Spri. Indeed, I can't lay that I recollect, but 
 ftill as the Scholiafts fays Nemo, repente fuit 
 turpij/imus. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, what's that ? 
 
 Spri. Why, that is as much as to fay, this 
 is bad enough. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. By Gofh ! and fo it is. 
 
 Cad. Ecod, and fo it is: Speak a little more 
 Latin to him; if I had been bred at the Uni- 
 veriity, }ou fliou'd have it both Sides of your
 
 We AUTHOR. 41 
 
 Cafe. A little Patience, Gentlemen ; now, 
 to you 5 you were pleafed yourfelf to drop a 
 few Hints of your Lady's Weaknefs; might 
 not /he take too ferioufly, what was meant as a 
 mere Matter of Merriment ? . 
 
 Cad. Hey! hold, hold. 
 
 Spri. A paltry Excufe j can any Woman be 
 fuch a Fool as not to know when a Man has a 
 Defign upon her Perfon ? 
 
 Cad. Anfwer that Mr. Cape, hey ! Anfwer 
 that. 
 
 Cape. I can only anfwer for the Innocency 
 of my own Intentions ; may not your Lady, 
 apprehenfive of my becoming too great a Fa- 
 vourite, contrive this Charge with a View of 
 deftroying the Connexion 
 
 Spri. Connexion ! 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, Connexion. 
 
 Spri. There's fomething in that 
 
 Cad. Hey ! is there? Hold, hold, hey! egad, 
 
 he is right You're right, Mr. Cape; hold, 
 
 Becky, my Dear, how the Devil cou'd you bef 
 fo wicked, hey ! Child ; ecod, hold, hold, 
 how could you have the Wickednefs to attempt 
 to deflroy the Connexion ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad- I don't know what you fay. 
 
 Cad. D'ye hear ? You are an Incendiary, but 
 you have mifs'd your Point ; the Connexion 
 mall be only the ftronger : My dear Friend, J 
 beg ten thoufand Pardons, I was too hafty 5 but 
 ecod, Becky 's to blame. 
 
 Cape. The Return of your Favour has ef~ 
 faced every other ImprefTion. 
 
 There's a good*nature4 Creature! 
 
 Cafe,
 
 42 <Ibe A U T H O R. 
 
 Cape. But if you have the leaft Doubts re- 
 maining, this Lady, your Sifter, I believe, will 
 do me the Juftice to own *- 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, afk my Fellow, if I be a 
 Thief. 
 
 Cad. What the Devil is Becky at now ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. She's as bad as he. 
 
 Cad. Bad as he ? Hey ! how ; what the 
 Devil, me did not make Love to you too ? 
 Stop, hey ! hold, hold, hold. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why no, Foolifh, but yon are aU 
 ways running on with your Riggmonrowles, 
 and won't ftay to hear a Body's Story out. 
 
 Cad. Well, Beck, come let's have it. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Be quiet then ; why, as I was 
 telling you, firfl he made Love to me, and 
 wanted me to be a Hare. 
 
 Cad. A Hare ! hold, ecod, that was whim- 
 fical; a Hare! hey! oh ecod, that might be 
 becaufe he thought you a little hair-brain'd al- 
 ready : Becky, a damn'd good Story. Well, 
 Becky go on, let's have it out. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. No, I won't tell you no more, fo 
 J won't. 
 
 Cad. Nay, prythee, Beck. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hold your Tongue then : And fo 
 there he was going on with his Nonfenfe, and 
 fo in come our Bell -, and fo 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, Becky ; damn your So's $ 
 go on, Child, but leave out your So's > its a 
 low hold, hold, vulgar but goon. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why how can I go on, when 
 you flop me every Minute ? Well, and then 
 our Bell came in and interrupted him, and 
 
 me-
 
 The A U T H O R. 43 
 
 methought fhe looked very frumpifh and 
 jealous. 
 
 Cad. Well. ^ .v/s 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And fu I went out and liften'd. 
 
 Cad. So, what you ftaid and liften'd ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. No -, I tell you upon my flaying, 
 
 fhe went out; no upon my going out, fhe 
 
 ftaid. 
 
 Cad. This is a damn'd blind Story, but go 
 on, Beck. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And then at firft fhe fcolded him 
 roundly for making Love to me ; and then he 
 faid as how me advifed him to it ; and then fhe 
 faid no ; and then he faid 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold ; we fhall never underftand 
 all thefe He's and She's ; this may all be very 
 true, Beck, but, hold, hold; as I hope to be 
 faved, thou art the worft Teller of a Story 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Well, I have but a Word more ; 
 and then he faid as how I was a great Fool. 
 
 Cad. Not much miftaken in that. (Afide.) 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And that he wou'd not have 
 flay'd with Me a Minute, but to pave the Way 
 to the PofTefTion of She. 
 
 Cad. Well, Beck, well ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And fo that's all. 
 
 Cad. Make Love to Her, in Order to get 
 PofTeffion of You ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Love to Me, in order to get SJie. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Oh, now I begin to underftand. 
 Hey ! What's this true, Bell ? Hey ! Hold, 
 field, hold ; ecod, I begin to fmoke, hey ! 
 Mr. Cape? 
 
 Cae. How fhall I aft ? 
 
 Qwn it. Sir, I have a Reafon,
 
 44 2fo A U T H O R. 
 
 Cad. Well, what fay you, Mr. Cz/* ? Let's 
 have it, wituout Equivocation , or, hold, hold, 
 hold, mental Refervation. Guilty, or not ? 
 
 Capf. Of what, Sir ? 
 
 CW. Of what ? Hold, hold, of making 
 Love to Bell. 
 
 Cape. Guilty. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! how ? Hold, Zounds ! No, what 
 not with an Intention to marry her ? 
 
 Cape. With the Lady's Approbation, ana 1 
 your kind Confent. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, what my Confent to mar-? 
 ry You? 
 
 Cafe. Ay, Sir. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, hold, what our Bell? To 
 mix the Blood of the Cadwalladers with the 
 Fuddle of a Poet ? 
 
 Cape. Sir? 
 
 Cad. A petty, paltry, ragged, rhiming 
 
 Spri. But Mr. = 
 
 Cad. A fcribbling, hold, hold, hold 
 
 Garretteer ? that has no more Cloaths than 
 Backs, no more Heads than Hats, and no 
 Shoes to his Feet. 
 
 Spri. Nay, but 
 
 Cad, The Offspring of a Dunghill ! Born in 
 a Cellar, hold, hold, and living in a Garret $ 
 a Fungus, a Mufhroom. 
 
 Cape. Sir, my Family 
 
 Cad. Your Family! Hold, hold, hold, Peter, 
 
 fetch the Pedigree; I'll /hew you -Your 
 
 Family ! a little obfcure hold, hold, I don't 
 
 believe you ever had a Grandfather. 
 
 Enter
 
 A U T H O R. 4S 
 
 Enter PETER 'with the Pedigree* 
 
 There it is ; there j Peter, help me to ftretch 
 it out : There's feven Yards more of Lineals, 
 betides three of Collaterals, that I expecT: next 
 Monday from^the Herald's Office ; d'ye fee, Mr. 
 Sprightly ? 
 
 Spri. Prodigious ! 
 
 Cad. Nay, but look'e, there's Welch Princes, 
 and Ambaffadors, and Kings of Scotland, and 
 Members of Parliament : Hold, hold, ecod, 
 I no more mind an Earl or a Lord in my Pedi- 
 gree, hold, hold, than Koull Khan wou'd a 
 Serjeant in the Train'd Bands. 
 
 Spri. An amazing Defcent ! 
 
 Cad. Hey, is it not? And for this low, 
 loufy Son of a Shoe-maker, to talk of Families 
 * hold, hold, get out of my Houfe. 
 
 Rob. Now is your Time, Sir. 
 
 Cad. Mr. Sprightly, turn him out. 
 
 Gov. Stop, Sir, I have a Secret to difclofe, 
 that may make you alter your Intentions. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold : how, Mr. Interpreter ? 
 
 Gov. You are now to regard that young 
 Man in a very different Light, and confider him 
 as my Son. 
 
 Cape. Your Son, Sir ? 
 
 Gov. In a Moment, George, the Myfleries 
 fliall be explain'd. 
 
 Cad. Your Son ? Hold, hold ; and what 
 then ? 
 
 Gov. Then ! Why then he is no longer the 
 Scribbler, the Mufhroom you have defcribed, 
 but of Birth and Fortune equal to your own. 
 
 Cad.
 
 46 Me A U T H O ft. 
 
 Cad. What! the Son of an Interpreter equal 
 to Me ! A Fellow that trudges about, teaching 
 of Languages to foreign Counts ! 
 
 Gov. A Teacher of Languages ! 
 
 Cad. Stay ; ecod, a Runner to Monfieurs and 
 Marquifles ! % * ( 
 
 Sfri. You are miftaken, Sir. 
 
 Cad. A Jack-pudding ! that takes Fillips on 
 the Nofe for Six-pence a Piece! Hold, hold, 
 ecod, give me Eighteen-pennyworth, and 
 Change for half a Crown. 
 
 Gov. Stop, when you are well. 
 
 Cad. A Spunger at other Men's Tables! that 
 has Jallop put into his Beer, and his Face black'd 
 at Chriftmas for the Diveifion of Children ! 
 
 Gov. I can hold no longer. 'Sdeath, Sir; 
 who is it you dare treat in this Manner ? 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Zounds, Mr. Sprightly, lay hold 
 of him. 
 
 Spri. Calm your Choler. Indeed, Mr. Cad- 
 wal/ader, nothing cou'd'excufe your Behaviour 
 to this Gentleman, but your miftaking his 
 Perfon. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold. Is not he Interpreter to 
 
 Spri. No. 
 
 Cad. Why did not you tell 
 
 Spri. That was a Miftake. This Gentle- 
 man is the Prince's Friend -, and, by a long 
 Refidence in the Monarch's Country, is per- 
 fect Matter of the Language. 
 
 Cad. But who the Devil is he then ? 
 
 Spri. He is Mr. Cape, Sir; a Man of un- 
 blemim'd Honour, capital Fortune, and late 
 Governor of one of our moft confiderable Set- 
 tlements. 
 
 Cad.
 
 Me A U T H O R. 47 
 
 Cad. Governor ! Hold, hold, and how came 
 
 you Father to hey ! 
 
 Gov. By marrying his Mother. 
 Cape. But how am I to regard this ? 
 GoVt As a folemn Truth ; that foreign 
 Friend, to whom you owe your Education, 
 was no other than myfelf ; I had my Reafons, 
 perhaps capricious ones, for concealing this ; 
 but now they ceafe, and I am proud to own 
 my Son. 
 
 Cape. Sir j it is not for me (kneeling.} but 
 
 if Gratitude, Duty filial 
 
 Gov. Rife, my Boy ; I have ventured far to 
 fix thy Fortune, George ; but to find thee wor- 
 thy of it, more than o'erpays my Toil; 
 the Reft of my Story mall be referved till we 
 are alone. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Hold, hold, hold ; ecod, a good 
 fenfibleold Fellow this ; but, hark'e, Sprightly, 
 I have made a damn'd Blunder here : Hold, 
 hold, Mr. Governor, ^- a(k ten thoufand Par- 
 dons ; but who the Devil cou'd have thought 
 
 that the Interpreter to Prince Potowow/ky 
 
 Gov. Oh, Sir you have in your Power fuf- 
 ficient Means to atone for the Injuries done 
 us both. 
 
 Cad. Hold, how ? 
 
 Gov. By beftowing your Sifter, with, I flat- 
 ter myfelf, no great Violence to her Incli- 
 nations, here. 
 
 Cad. What, marry Bell? Hey! Hold, 
 hold; Zounds, Be//, take him, do; 'ecod, he 
 
 is a good likely hey ! Will you ? 
 
 Arab*
 
 48 The A U T H O R. 
 
 Arab. I (han't difobey you, Sir. 
 
 Cad. Shan't you ? That's right. Who the 
 Devil knows but he may come to be a Governor 
 himfelf; hey! Hold, hold j come here then, 
 give me your Hands both; ( 'Joins their Hands. J 
 There, there, the Bufinefs is done : And now, 
 Brother Governor 
 
 Gov. And now, Brother Cadwallader. 
 
 Cad. Hey, Beck! Here's fomething new 
 for my Pedigree; we'll pop in the Governor 
 to-morrow. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hark'e, Mr. Governor , can you 
 give me a black Boy and a Monkey ? 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Ay, ay, you mall have a black 
 Boy, and a Monkey, and a Parrot too, Beck. 
 
 Spri. Dear George, I am a little late in my 
 Congratulations ; but 
 
 Gov. Which if he is in acknowledging your 
 difinterefted Friendmip, I fliall be forry I ever 
 own'd him. Now, Robin, my Cares are over, 
 and my Wifhes full ; and if George remains as 
 untainted by Affluence, as he has been un- 
 tempted by Diftrefs, I have given the Poor a 
 Protector, his Country an Advocate, and the 
 World a Friend. 
 
 (Exeunt Omnes. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 THE 
 
 L Y A R. 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY 
 
 IN THREE ACTS. 
 
 As it is Performed at the 
 
 THEATRE in the HAY-MARKET. 
 BY SAMUEL FOOTE, ESQ 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for ?. VAILLANT, J, RJVINCTOK, 
 And S. BLADON, in PATER-NOSTER-ROW, 
 M DCC 
 
 Price On^ Shilling and Six-pence, J
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 TT7"//"//7" various revolutions in our art, 
 ^* Since Thifpis firft Jung ballads in a cart I 
 By nature fram'd the witty war to wage, 
 And lay the deep foundations of the ft age, ^l* 
 From his own foil that bard his piftures drew : 
 The gaping crowd tbe mimic features knew, 
 And the broad j eft with fire eleffric flew. 
 Succeeding times, more pblijh'd and refin'd, 
 To rigid rules the comic mufe confined ; 
 Robb'd of the nafral freedom of her fong, 
 In artful meafures now Jhe floats along j 
 No Jprightly f allies roufe the jlumtf ring pit ; 
 Thalia, grown mere architect in wit, 
 To doors and ladders has confined her iares, 
 Convenient clofets, and a fnug back flairs ; 
 "Twixt her and Satire has diffblv'd the league^ 
 And jilted humour to enjoy intrigue. 
 To gain the fuff' rage of this polijh'd age, 
 tVe bring to-night a ft ranger on the ft age: 
 His fire De Vega \ we confefs this truth. 
 Left you miftake him for a Britijh youth. 
 Severe the cenfure on my feeble pen, 
 Neglecting manners, that Jhe copies men ' 
 Thus, if I hum or ha, or name report, 
 *Tis Serjeant Splitcaufe from the Inns of Court 
 Jf, at the age that ladies ceafe to dance, 
 To romp at Ranelagh, or read romance, 
 I draw a dowager inclined to man, 
 Or paint her rage for china or japan^ 
 The true original is quickly known, 
 And lady Squab proclaimed throughout the town. 
 But in the following group let no man dare 
 To claim a limb, nay, not a Jingle hair : 
 fWat gal/ant Briton can be fuch a fot 
 To own the child a Spaniard has beget, 
 
 o
 
 Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 Sir JAMES ELLIOT, Mr. DAVIS. 
 OLDWILDING, the Father, Mr. CASTLE. 
 
 YOUNG WILDING, Mr. FOOTE. 
 
 PAPJLMON, Mr. WESTON. 
 
 Mifs GRANTAM, Mrs. JEFFRIES. 
 
 Mifs GODFREY, Mrs. BROWN. 
 
 KITTY, the Maid, Mrs. PARSONS. 
 
 The Servants,
 
 THE 
 
 R 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 SCENE a Lodging. 
 
 YOUNG WILDING and PAPILLION difcovered, 
 
 Toung Wilding. 
 
 I am now, Papillion* perfectly 
 equipped ? 
 
 Paptllion. Perfonrie mieux. Nobody 
 
 bette ;r 
 
 T. mid. My figure ? 
 Pap. Fait a peindre. 
 T. Wild. My air. 
 Pap. Libre. 
 
 . My addrefs ? 
 Parifiene. 
 
 . My hat fits eafily under my arm ; 
 not like the draggled tail of my tatter'd acade- 
 mical habit 
 
 Pap. Ah, bein autre chofe. 
 T. Wild. Why then, adieu, Alma Mater, and 
 bien venue, la ville de Londre , farewell to the 
 fchools, and welcome the theatres ; prefidents, 
 proctors, mort commons with it.ng graces, muft 
 now give place to plays, bagnios, long tavern- 
 bills with no graces at all. 
 
 Pap.
 
 6 THE L Y A R. 
 
 Pap. Ah, bravo, bravo ! 
 
 T. Wild. Well, but my dear Papillion, you 
 muft give me the chart du paye : This town is a 
 new world to me ; my provident papa, you 
 know, would never fuffer me near the fmoak of 
 London; and what can be his motive for per- 
 mitting me now, I can't readily conceive 
 
 Pap. Ni moi. 
 
 T. Wild. I fhall, however, take the liberty to 
 conceal my arrival from him for a few Hays. 
 
 Pap. Vous avez raifon. 
 
 T. Wild. Well my Mentor, and how am I to 
 manage ? direct my road : where muft I begin ? 
 But the debate is, I fuppofe, of coniequence ? 
 
 Pap. Vraiment. 
 
 T. Wild. How long have you left Paris, Pa- 
 pillion ? 
 
 Pap. Twelve, dirteen year. 
 
 T. Wild. I can't compliment you upon your 
 progrefs in Englim. 
 
 Pap. The accent is difficult. 
 
 T. Wild. But here you are at home, 
 
 Pap. C'eft vrai. 
 
 T. Wild. No ftranger to famionable places. 
 
 Pap. Ofaite! 
 
 T. Wild. Acquainted with the famionable 
 figures of both fcxes. 
 
 Pap. Sans doute. 
 
 T. Wild. Well then, open your lecture : And, 
 d'ye hear, Papillion, as you have the honour to 
 be promoted from the mortifying condition of 
 an humble valet, to the important charge of a 
 private tutor, let us dilcard all ciiUance between 
 us : See rne nrady to flack my third at your 
 fountain of knowledge, my Magnus Apollo. 
 
 Pap. Here then I clifcloie my Helicon to my 
 poetical pupil 
 
 T. Wild.
 
 THE L Y A R. 7 
 
 'Y.Witt. Hey, Papillion! 
 
 Pap. Sir? 
 
 T. Wild*. What is this? why youfpeakEnglim! 
 
 Pap. Without doubt. 
 
 T. Wild. But like a native; 
 
 Pap. To be fure. 
 
 T. Wild. And what am I to conclude from all 
 this? 
 
 Pap. Logically thus, Sir : Whover fpeaks 
 pure Englilh is an Englifhman : I fpeak pure 
 Englifli; ergo, I am an Englishman. There's 
 a categorical iyllogifm for you, Major, Minor, 
 and Confequence. What do you think, Sir, 
 that whilft you was bufy at Oxford, I was idle ? 
 no, no, no. 
 
 T. Wild. Well, Sir, but notwithftanding your 
 pleafantry, I muft have this matter explained. 
 
 Pap. So you mail, my good Sir ; but don't be 
 in fuch a hurry : You can't fuppofe I would give 
 you the key, unlefs I meant you fhould open 
 the door. 
 ' T. Wild. Why then, prythee unlock. 
 
 Pap. Immediately. But by way of entering 
 upon my poft as preceptor, fuffer me firft to 
 
 five you a hint : You muft not expect, Sir, to 
 nd here, as at Oxford, men appearing in their 
 real characters ; every body there, Sir, knows 
 that Dr. Mufly is a fellow of Maudlin, and Tom 
 Trifle a (Indent of Chriftchurch -, but this town 
 is one great comedy, in which not only the prin- 
 ciples, but frequently the perlbns are feigned. 
 T. Wild. A ufeful obfervatioru 
 Pap. Why now, Sir, at the firft coffee-houfe 
 I mall enter you, you will perhaps meet a man 
 from whofe decent fable drefs, placid counte- 
 nance, infinuating behaviour, Jfnort fword, with 
 the waiter's civil addition of <c a di/h of coffee 
 
 for
 
 * T H E L Y A R. 
 
 for Dr. Julap," you would fuppofe him to be a 
 phyfician. 
 
 T. mid. Well ? 
 
 Pap, Docs not know diafcordium from dia- 
 culum. An abfolute French fpy, concealed 
 under the (belter of a huge medicinal pcrriwig. 
 
 T. Wild. Indeed! 
 
 Pap. A martial figure too, it is odds but you 
 will encounter; from whole fears, title, drefs, 
 and addrefs, you would luppofc to have had a 
 ihar<e in every action fmce the p.e.ace of the Py- 
 renees ; runner to a gaming-table, and bully to 
 a bawdy-houfe. Buttles, to be fure, he has been 
 in with the watch ; and frequently a prifoner 
 too -in the round houie. 
 
 T. Wild. Amazing! 
 
 Pap. In fhort. Sir, you will meet with law- 
 yers who pradtife fmuggling, and merchants 
 who trade upon Houn flow- heath ; reverend 
 atheifts, right honourable (harpers, and ^French- 
 men from the county of York. 
 
 T. Wild. Tn the laft lift, I prefume, you roll. 
 
 Pflp. Juft my fituation. 
 
 T. Wild. And pray, Sir, what may be your 
 motive for this whimfical transformation ? 
 
 Pap. A very harmlefs one, I promife you : 
 I would only avail myfelf at the expence of 
 folly and prejudice. 
 
 T. Wild. As how ? 
 
 Pap. Why, Sir But, to be better under- 
 ftood, I believe it will be neceflary to give you a 
 Ihort fketch of the principal incidents of my life. 
 
 r Wild. Prithee do. 
 
 Pap. Why then you are to know, Sir, that 
 my former fituation has been rather above my 
 prefent condition, having once fuftained thedig- 
 m'ry of fub-preceptor to one of thofe cheap rural 
 
 academic^
 
 THE L Y A R. 9 
 
 academies with which our county of York is fo 
 plentifully flocked. 
 
 T. Wild. Bur to the point : Why this difguife ? 
 "Why renounce your country ? 
 
 Pap. There, Sir, you make a little miftake ; 
 it was my country that renounced me. 
 
 T. Wild. Explain. 
 
 Pap. In an inftanr, upon quitting the fchool, 
 and firft coming to town, I got recommended to 
 the compiler of the Monthly Review. 
 
 T. WUd. What an author too ? 
 
 Pap. Oh, a voluminous one : The whole re- 
 gion of the belles lettres fell under my infpec- 
 tion ; phyfic, divinity, and the mathematics, my 
 miftreis managed herlelf. There, Sir, like an- 
 other Ariitarch, I dealt out fame and damnation 
 at pleafure. In obedience to the caprice and 
 commands of my mailer, I have comdemn'd 
 books I never read, and applauded the fidelity of 
 a tranflation, without underftanding one fyllable 
 of the original. 
 
 Y. Wild. Ah ! why I thought acutenefsof dif- 
 cernment, and depth of knowledge, were ne 
 cefTary to accompiifh a critic. 
 
 Pap. Yes Sir-, but not a monthly one. Our 
 method was very concife : We copy the title- 
 page of a new book ; we never go any further : 
 If we are ordered to praife it, we have at hand 
 about ten words, which, fcatter*d through as 
 many periods, effectually does the bufinefs ; as, 
 " laudable defign, happy arrangement, fpirited 
 language,nervousientimecit,elevation of thought, 
 conclusive argument j" if we are to decry, then 
 we havr , " unconnected, flat, falfe, illiberal ftric- 
 ture, rtprehenfible, unnatural /' And thus, Sir, 
 we pepper the author, and loon rid our hands of 
 his work. 
 
 B r.
 
 10 
 
 THE L Y A R. 
 
 r. Witt. A fhort recipe. 
 
 Pap. And yet, Sir, you have all the materials 
 that are necefiary : Thefe are the arms with 
 which we engage authors of every kirrd. To us 
 all Tub jects are equal j plays or fermons, poetry 
 or politics, mufic or midwifry, it is the fame 
 thing. 
 
 T. Wild,. How came you to refign this eafy 
 employment ? 
 
 Pap. It would not anfwer. Notwithftanding 
 what we fay, people will judge for themfclves ; 
 our work hung upon hand, and allI could get 
 from the publiftier was four fhillings a-weck,. 
 and my fmall beer. Poor pittance 1 
 
 T. Wild. Poor indeed. 
 
 Pap. Oh, half-ftarv'd me ! 
 
 T. Wild. What was your next change ? 
 
 Pap. \ was mightily puzzled to choofc. Some 
 would have had me turn player, and others me- 
 thodift preacher; but as I had no money to build 
 me a tabernacle, I did not think it could anfwer ; 
 and as to player whatever might happen to 
 me, I was determined not to bring a difgrace upon 
 my family, and fol refolved to turn footman. 
 
 T. Wild, Wifely refolv'd. 
 
 Pap. Yes, Sir, but nc: fo eafily executed, 
 
 T. Wild. No ! 
 
 Pap. Oh no, Sir. Many a weary ftep have 
 I taken after a place : Here I was too old, there 
 I was too young -, here the Lift livery was too 
 big, there it was too little ; here I was awkard, 
 there I was knowing ; madam diflik'd me at this 
 houfe, her ladyfhip's woman at the next ; fo 
 that 1 was as much puzzled to find out a place, 
 as the great Cynic phiiofopher to difcover a man. 
 In (hort, 1 was quite in a ftate of defpair, when 
 chance threw an old friend in my way that quite 
 retrieved my affairs. T. Wild.
 
 THE L Y A R. n 
 
 T. Wild*. Pray who might he be. 
 
 Pap. A little bit of a Swifs genius, who had 
 been French umer with me at the lame fchool 
 in the country. I ppened my melancholy ftory 
 to him over three- penny worth of beef-a-la- 
 mode, in a cellar, in St. Ann's. My little foreign 
 friend purs'd up his lanthorn jaws, and with a 
 fhrug of contempt, " Ah, maitre Jean, vous 
 n'avez pas la politique ; you have no finefie : To 
 trive here you muft Itudy the folly of your own 
 country." " How, Monfieur !" " . Taifez vous. 
 Keep a your tongue ! autre foy ! I teach you 
 fpeak French, now I teach a you to forget Eng- 
 lilh. Go vid me to my lodgement, I- vil give you 
 proper drefs , den go prefent yourfelf to de fame 
 hotels, de very fame houfe ; you will find all de 
 doors dat was fhut in your face as footman An- 
 glois, will fly open demfclves to a French valet 
 de chambre." 
 
 Y.Wild. Well Papillion ? 
 
 Pap. Gad, Sir, I thought it was but an ho- 
 neft artifice, fo I determined to follow my friend's 
 advice. 
 
 T. Wild. Did it fucceed ? 
 
 Pap. Better than expectation : My tawny face, 
 long queii, and broken Englifh, was a pas par 
 tout. Bc. j fides, when I am out of place, this 
 cjifguife procures me many reiburces, 
 
 T. Wild. As how ? 
 
 Pap. Why, at a pinch, Sir, I am either a 
 teacher of tongues, a frifeur, a dcntift, or a 
 dancing-mafter-, thefe, Sir, are hereditary profef. 
 fions to Frenchmen. But now, Sir, to the point : 
 $.$ you were pleajed to be fo candid with me, I 
 was determin'd to have no refer ve with you. 
 You have ftudied books, I have ftudied men ; you 
 want advice, and I have fome at your fervice. 
 
 r.
 
 12 T H E L Y A K. 
 
 7*. Wild. Well, I'll be your cuftomer. 
 
 Pap. But guard my fecret : if I fhould be fo 
 unfortunate to lofe your place, don't fhut me 
 out from every other. 
 
 T. Wild. You may rely upon me. 
 
 Pap. In a few years I (hall be in a condition 
 to retire from biifinefs ; but whether I (hall fet- 
 tle at my family-feat, or pafs over to the conti- 
 nent, is as yet undetermined. Perhaps, in gra- 
 titude to the country, I may purchafe a marqui- 
 fatc near Paris, and Ipend the money I have got 
 by their means, generoufly amongft them. 
 
 Y. Wild. A grateful intention. But let us 
 fally. Where do we open ? 
 
 Pap. Let us fee one o'clock it is a fine 
 'day : the Mall will be crouded. 
 
 T. V/ild. A loirs. 
 
 Pap. But don^t flare, Sir: furvey every thing 
 with an air of habit and indifference. 
 
 T. Wild. Never fcar. 
 
 Jpap. But I would, Sir, crave a moment's 
 audience, upon a fubjedr, that may prove very 
 tnaterial to you. 
 
 T. Wild, proceed. 
 
 Prp. You will pardon my preemption ; but 
 you have, my good matter, one little foible 
 that I rould wifh you to correft. 
 
 T.Wild: What is it? 
 
 Pap. And \et it is a pity too, you do it fo 
 very well. 
 
 r. Wild. Prithee be plain. 
 
 Pap. You have, Sir, a lively imagination, 
 with a moft happy turn for invention. 
 
 r. Wild. Well. 
 
 Pap. But now and then in your narratives you 
 are hurry'd, by a flow of fpirits, to border upon 
 the improbable, a little given to the marvdous. 
 
 2\ I Hid.
 
 THE L Y A R. 13 
 
 T. Wild. lunderfland you : what, I am fome- 
 what fubject to lying. 
 
 Pap. Oh, pardon me, Sir; I don't fay that ; 
 no, no, only a little apt to embellifh ; that's all. 
 To be fure it is a fine gift ; that there is no dii- 
 puting : but men in general are fo ftupid, fo rU- 
 
 goroufiy attach'd to matter of fad And yet 
 
 this talent of yours is the very foul and fpirit of 
 poetry;, and why it mould not be the lame in 
 profe, I can't for my life determine. 
 
 T. Wild. You would advife me, then, not to 
 be quite fo poetical in my profe ? 
 
 Pap. Why, Sir, if you would defcend a little 
 to the grovelling comprehenfion of the million, 
 I think it would be as well. 
 
 T. Wild. I'll think of it. ; 
 
 Pap. "Befides, Sir, in this town people are more 
 fmoaky and fufpicious. Oxford, you know, is 
 the feat of the mufes, and a rnan is naturally per- 
 mitted more ornament and garniture to his con- 
 verfation than they will allow in this latitude. 
 
 T. Wild. I believe you are right. But we mail 
 be late. D'ye hear me, Papillion : if at any 
 time you find me growing too poetical give me 
 a hint ; your advice fhan't be thrown away. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Pap. I wifh it mayn't; but the difeafe is too 
 rooted to be quickly removed. Lord, how I 
 have Jweat for him ! yet he is as unimbarraftcd, 
 eafy, and fluent, all the time, as if he really be- 
 lieved what he faid. Well, to be fure he is a great 
 mafter; it is a thoufand pities his genius could 
 not be converted to fome public fervice : I think 
 the government mould employ him to aniwer 
 the Bruflels Gazette. Til be hanged if he is not 
 too many for Monfieur Maubert, at his own 
 weapons. [Exit.
 
 I 4 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 SCENE the Park. 
 
 Enfer Mrfs GRANTAM and Mifs GODFREY, 
 and Servant. 
 
 Mifs Grantam. John, let the chariot go round 
 to Spring-Gardens, for your miftrels and I fhall 
 call at Lady Bab's, Mifs Arabella Allnight's, the 
 counteis of Crumple's, and the tall man's, this 
 morning. My dear Mifs Godfrey, what trouble 
 I have had to get you out ! why, child, you are 
 as tedious as a long mourning. Do you know 
 now, that of all places of public rendezvous I 
 honour the Park? forty thoufand million of 
 times preferable to the play-houfe ! Don't you 
 think fb my dear ? 
 
 Mifs Godfrey. They are both well in their way. 
 
 M. Gr. Way ! why the purpofe of both is the 
 fame ; to meet company, rVt it ? what, d'ye 
 think I go there for the plays, or come here for 
 the trees-? ha, ha I well, that is well enough. 
 But, O Gemini ! I beg a million of pardons : 
 Your are a prude, and have no relifh for the little 
 innocent liberties with which a fine woman may 
 indulge herfeif in public. 
 
 M. God. Liberties in public ! 
 
 JW. Gr. Yes, child , fuch as enchoring a fong 
 at an opera, interrupting a play in a critical 
 fcene of diftrefs, hallooing to a pretty fellow 
 crofs the Mall, as loud as if you were calling a 
 coach. Why, do you know now, my dear that 
 by a lucky ftroke in drefs, and a few high airs 
 of my own making, I have had the good for- 
 tune to be gazed at and followed by as great a 
 croud, on a Sunday, as if I was the Tripoly 
 ambaffador ? 
 
 M. God.
 
 THE L Y A R. ' 15 
 
 M. God. The good fortune, Ma'am! Surely, 
 the wifh of every decent woman is to be unno- 
 tic'd in public. 
 
 M. Gr. Decent ! oh, my dear queer creatu:r, 
 what a phrafe have you found out for a woman 
 offafhion! Decency is, child, a mere burgois, 
 plebeian quality, and fit only for thofe who pay 
 court to the world, and not for us to whom the 
 world pays court. Upon my word, you muft 
 enlarge your ideas : you are a fine girl, and we 
 muft not have you loft ; I'll undertake you my- 
 
 felf. But, as I was faying Pray, my dear, 
 
 what was I faying. 
 
 M. God. I profefs I don't recoiled. 
 
 M. Gr. Hey ! Oh, ah, the Park. One great 
 reafon for my loving the Park is, that one has fo 
 many opportunities of creating connections. 
 
 M. God. Ma'am ! 
 
 M. Gr. Nay, don't look grave. Why, do you 
 know that all my male friendfliips are form'd in 
 this place ? 
 
 M. God. It is an odd fpot: But you muft par- 
 don me if I doubt the poflibility. 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, I will convince you in a moment; 
 for here feems to becoming a good fmart figure 
 that I do'r.t recollect. I will throw out a lure. 
 
 M. God. Nay, for Heaven's fake ! 
 
 M. Gr. I am determined, child : that is 
 
 M. God. You will excufe my withdrawing. 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, pleafe yourfclf, my dear. 
 
 [Exit Mifs Godfrey. 
 
 Enter YOUNG WILDING with PAPILLION. 
 T.y/ild. Yourladymip'shandkerchief,Ma'am. 
 M- Gr. I am, Sir, conctrn'd at the trouble 
 T. Wild. A moil happy incident for me, Ma-, 
 dam ; as chance has given me an honour in one 
 
 lucky
 
 16 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 lucky minute, that the moft diligent attention 
 has not been able to procure for me in the whole 
 tedious round of a revolving year. 
 
 M. Gr. Is this meant to me, Sir ? 
 
 T. Wild. To whom elfe, Madam ? Surely, 
 you muft have mark'd my rcfpectful' affiduity, 
 my uninterrupted attendance , to plays, operas, 
 balls, routs, and ridotta's, 1 have purfued you 
 like your (hadow ; I have beiieged your door 
 for a glimfe of your exit and entrance, like a dif- 
 trefled creditor, who has no arms againit privi- 
 lege but ptrfeverance. 
 
 Pap. So, now he is in for it j flop him who 
 can. 
 
 T. Wild. In fhort, Madam, cverfmce I quit- 
 ted America, which I take now to be about a 
 year, I have as faithfully guarded the live-long 
 night, your ladyfhip's portal, as a centinel the 
 powder-magazine in a fortified city. 
 
 Pap. Quitted America ! well pull'd. 
 
 M. Gr. You have fcrv'd in America then ? 
 
 T. Wild* full four years, Ma'am: and during 
 that whole time, not a tingle action of confe- 
 quence, but I had an opportunity to fignalize 
 myfelf , and I think I may, without vanity, af- 
 firm I did not mifs the bccafion. You .have 
 heard of Quebec, I prefume ? 
 
 Pap. What the deuce is he driving at now ? 
 
 T. Wild. The project to furprizc that place 
 was thought a happy expedient, and the fir ft 
 mounting the breach a gallant exploit. There 
 indeed, the whole army did me jufbice. 
 
 M. Gr. I have heard the honour of that con- 
 queft attributed to another name. 
 
 T. Wild. The mere taking the town, IVIa'am. 
 But that's a trifle : Sieges now ;i-days are re- 
 duc'd to certainties , i: is amazing how mi- 
 nutely
 
 THE L Y A R. 17 
 
 .nutely exact we, who .know the bufmefs are at 
 calculation : For inltance now, we will luppofe 
 the commander in chief, addreffing himfelf to 
 me, was to lay, " Colonel, I want to reduce 
 that fortrefs ; what will be the expence ?" 
 " Why, pleaie your highnels, the reduction of 
 that fortrefs will coft you one thoufand and two 
 Jives, fixry-nine legs, ditto arms, fourfcore frac- 
 tures, with about twenty dozen of flefh wounds." 
 
 M. Gr. And you Ihquld be near the mark ? 
 
 T. Wild. To an odd, joint, Ma'am, But, 
 Madam, it is not to the French alone that my 
 feats are confin'd ': Cherokees, Catabaws, with 
 all the Aws and Ees of the continent, have felt 
 the force of my arms. . 
 
 Pap. This is too much, Sir. 
 
 T. Wild. Hands off! Nor am I lefs. adroit at 
 a treaty, Madam, than terrible in battle : To 
 me we owe the friendlhip of the Five Nations, 
 and I had the firft honour of fmoaking the pipe 
 of peace with the Litcle Carpenter. 
 
 M. Gr, And ib young ! 
 
 T. Wild. This gentleman, though a. French- 
 man and an enemy, I had the fortune to de- 
 liver from the Mohawks, whofe prifoner he had 
 been for nine Years. He gives a mod enter- 
 taining account of their laws and cuftoms : he 
 lliall prefent you with the wampum-belt, and a 
 fcalping- knife. Will you permit him, Madam, 
 juft to give you a tafte of the military dance> 
 with a (hort fpecimcn of their warhoop. ^ .' :, 
 
 Pap. For Heaven's fake ! 
 j M. Gr. The place is too public. 
 
 T. Wild. In Ihort, Madam, after having ga- 
 thered as many laurels abroad as would garmiri 
 a Gothic cathedral at Chriftmas, I returned to 
 reap the harped of the well-fought field. Here 
 C it
 
 ,8 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 it was my good fortune to encounter you: then 
 was the victor vanquimed ; what the enemy 
 could never accomplifh, your eyes in an inftant 
 atchiev'd ; prouder to ferve here than command 
 in chief elfew here; and more glorious in wear- 
 ing your chains, than in triumphing over the 
 vanquify'd world. 
 
 M. Gr. I have got here a mod heroical lover: 
 But I fee Sir James Elliot coming, and muft 
 difmifs him. [Afide.] Well, Sir, I accept the 
 tendre of your paffion, and may find a time to 
 renew our acquaintance ; at prelent it is necef- 
 cefiary we mould feparate. 
 
 T. Wild. * Slave to your will, I live but to 
 obey you." But may I be indulged with the 
 knowledge of your residence. 
 
 M. Gr. Sir ? 
 
 T. mid. Your place of abode. 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, Sir, you can't want to be ac- 
 quanted with that ; you have a whole year flood 
 centinel at my ladylhip's portal. 
 
 T. Wild. Madam, I 1 I 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, Sir, your fervant. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 What, you are caught ! Ha, ha, ha ! Well, he 
 has a mod intrepid affurance. Adieu, my Mars. 
 Ha, ha, ha ! [Exit. 
 
 Pap. That laft was an unlucky queftion, Sir. 
 
 Y.fr'ild. A little mal-a-propos I muft confefs, 
 
 Pap. A man (hould have a good memory who 
 deals much in this poetical profe. 
 
 T. Wild. Poh ! I'll foon re-eftablim my cre- 
 dit. But I muft know who this girl is : Hark 
 ye, Papillion, could not you contrive to pump 
 out of her footman I fee there he ftands the 
 name of his miftreis ? 
 
 Pap. I will try. [Exit. 
 
 [Wilding retires to the back of the ji age. 
 
 Enter
 
 THE L Y A R. 19 
 
 Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT, and Servant. 
 Sir James. Mufic and an entertainment? 
 Servant. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sir Ja. Laft night, upon the water ? 
 Serv. Upon the water, laft night. 
 Sir Ja. Who gave it ? 
 Serv. That, Sir, I can't fay. 
 
 To tbem WILDING. 
 
 T. Wild. Sir James Elliot your moft devoted. 
 
 Sir Ja. Ah, my dear Wilding ! you arc wel- 
 come to town. 
 
 7. Wild. You will pardon my impatience ; I 
 interrupted you ; you feem'd upon an intereft- 
 ing fubjecl. 
 
 Sir Ja. Oh, an affair of gallantry. 
 
 T. Wild. Of what kind? 
 
 Sir Ja. A young lady regalM laft night by 
 her lover, on the Thames. 
 
 Y. Wild. As how ? 
 
 Sir Ja. A band of mufic in boats. 
 
 T. Wild. Were they good performers ? 
 
 Sirja. Thebeft. Then conduced to Marble- 
 hall, where fhe found a magnificent collation. 
 
 Y. Wild. Well order'd ? 
 
 Sir Ja. With elegance. After fupperaball; 
 and, to conclude the night, a firework. 
 
 T. Wild. Was the laft well deftgn'd? 
 
 Sir Ja. Superb. 
 
 T. Wild. And hacpily executed ? 
 
 Sir Ja. Not a fingle faux pas. 
 
 T. Wild. And you don't know who gave it ? 
 
 Sir Ja. I can't even guefs. 
 
 Y. mid. Ha, ha, ha'l 
 
 Sir Ja. Why do you laugh ? 
 
 T. Wild, Ha, ha, ha 1 It was me, 
 
 Sir
 
 20 
 
 THE L Y A R. 
 
 Sir Ja. You ! 
 
 Pap. You, Sir ! 
 
 T.Wild. Moi me. 
 
 Pap. So, fo, ib ; he is enter'd again! 
 
 Sir Ja. Why, you are fortunate, to find a 
 miftreis in ib fhort a fpace of time. 
 
 T. Wild. Short ! why, man,' I have been in 
 London thefe fix Weeks. 
 
 Pap. O Lord, O Lord ' 
 
 T. Wild. \\ is true, not caring to encounter 
 my father, I have rarely veiuur'd out but at 
 -nights. 
 
 Pap. I can hold no longer. Dear Sir. 
 I T. Wild. Peace, puppy ! 
 
 Pap. A curb to your poetical vein. 
 
 T.Wild. I (hall curb your impertinence. 
 But fince the (lory is got abroad I will, my dear 
 friend, treat you with all the particulars. 
 
 Sir Ja. I (hall hear it with pleafure. This is 
 a lucky adventure : But he mult not know he 
 is my rival. \Afide, ."] 
 
 T. Wild. Why, Sir, between fix and feven my 
 goddefs imbark'd, at Somerfet-ftairs, in one of 
 the companies barges, gilt and hung with da- 
 maik, exprefly for the occafion. 
 
 Pap. Mercy on us ! 
 
 T. Wild. At the cabin-door (he was acceded 
 by a beautiful boy, who, in the garb of a Cu- 
 pid, paid her lorne compliments in verfe of my 
 own compofing : The conceits were pretty ; al- 
 luGons to Venus and the fea the lady and the 
 Thames no great matter-, but, however, well- 
 tim'd, and what was better, well taken. 
 
 Sir Ja. Doubtlels. 
 
 Pap. .At what a rate he runs ! 
 
 } '. Wild. As foon as we- had gained the center 
 of the river, two boats full of trumpets, French 
 
 horns,
 
 THE L Y A R. 21 
 
 horns, and other martial mufic, ftruck up their 
 Uprightly drains from the Surry-fide, which were 
 eccho'd by a fuitable number of lutes, flutes, 
 and hautboys from the oppofite (bore. In this 
 ftate, the oars keeping time, we majeftically 
 fail'd along, till the arches of the New Bridge 
 gave a pauie, and an opportunity for an elegant 
 defart in Drefden china, by Robinfon. Here the 
 repaft clos'd, with a few favourite airs from 
 Eliza, Tenducci, and the Mattel. 
 
 Pap. Mercy on us ! 
 
 T. Wild. Oppofite Lambeth I had prepared 
 a naval engagement, in which Bofcawen's victory 
 over the French was repeated : the action was 
 conducted by one of the commanders on that 
 expedition, and not a fingle incident omitted. 
 
 Sir Ja. Surely you exaggerate a little. 
 
 Pap. Yes, yes, this battle will fink him. 
 
 T. IVild. True to the letter, upon my honour, 
 I fhaVt trouble you with a repetition of our 
 collation, ball, feu d'artifice, with the thoufand 
 little incidental amufements that chance or de- 
 fign produc'd : it is enough to know, that all 
 that could flatter the fenfes, fire the imagination, 
 or gratify the expectation, was there produc'd 
 in a lavifh abundance. 
 
 Sir Ja. Thefacrifice was, I prefume, grateful 
 to your deity. 
 
 T. Wild, Upon that fubject you muft pardon 
 my filence. 
 
 Pap. Mod eft creature ! 
 
 Sir J. 1 wifh you joy of your fuccefs. For 
 the prefent you will rxcufe me. 
 
 YWrtd. Nay, but flay and hear the conclufion. 
 
 Sir Ja. For that I fhall feize ahother occa- 
 fion. " [Exit. 
 
 Pap. Nobly performM, Sir. 
 
 T. mid.
 
 42 THE L Y A R. 
 
 T. Wild. Yes, I think happily hit off. 
 
 Pap. May I take the liberty to offer one 
 queftion ? 
 
 r. Wild. Freely. 
 
 Pap. Pray, Sir, are you often vifited with thefe 
 waking dreams ? 
 
 X. Wild. Dreams! whatdoft mean by dreams ? 
 
 Pap. Thefe ornamental reveries, thefe frolics 
 tf fancy, which, in the judgment of the vulgar, 
 would be deem'd abfolute flames. 
 
 T. Wild. Why, Papillion, you ha,ve but a 
 poor, narrow, circumfcribed genius. 
 
 Pap. I mod own, Sir, I have not fublimity 
 fufficient to relifh the full fire of your Pindaric 
 mule. 
 
 T. Wild. No; a plebian foul! But I will ani- 
 mate thy clay : mark my example, follow my 
 fleps, and in time thou may'ft rival thy matter. 
 
 Pap. Never, never, Sir, I have not talents to 
 fight battles without blows, and give feafts that 
 don't cod me a farthing. Befides, Sir, to what 
 purpofe are all thefe embellishments ? V/hy 
 tell the lady you have been in London a year P 
 
 T. Wild. The better to plead the length, any 
 confequently the (Irength of my paflion. 
 
 Pap. But why, Sir, a foldier. 
 
 T. Wild. How little thou know'ft of the Sex! 
 What, J fuppofe thou would'ft have me attack 
 them in mood and figure, by a pedantic, claf- 
 fical quotation, or a pompous parade of jargon 
 from thefchools. What, doft think that women 
 are to be got like degrees ? 
 
 Pap. Nay, Sir- 
 
 T. Wild. No, no; the fcavoir vivre is the fci- 
 ence for them ; the man of war is their man : 
 they mud: be taken like towns, by lines of ap-. 
 proach,coumerfcraps, angles, trenches, cohorns, 
 
 and
 
 THE L Y A R. 23 
 
 Upd.covert-ways ; then enter fword in hand, pell- 
 mell! oh, how they melt at the Gothic names 
 of General Swappinback, Count Roufoumoufky* 
 Prince Montecuculi, and Marmal'Fuftinburgh! 
 Men may fay what they will of their Ovid, their 
 Petrarch, and their Waller, but I'll undertake 
 to do more bufinefs by the fingle aid of the 
 London Gazette, than by all the fighing, dying, 
 crying crotchets, that the whole race of rhymers 
 have ever produced. 
 
 Pap. Very well, Sir ; this is all very lively; but 
 remember the travelling pitcher : if you don't 
 one time or other, under favour, lye yourfelf 
 into fome confounded fcrape, 1 will be content 
 to be hanged. 
 
 T. Wild. Do you think fo, PapMion ? And 
 whenever that happens, if I don't Jye myfelf 
 out of it again, why then I will be content to 
 be crucify'd. And fo, along after the lady. 
 [Stops fhort^ going out.'] Zounds, here comes my 
 father ! I rriurt fly. Watch him Papillion, and 
 bring me word to the Cardigan. 
 
 [Exeunt 
 
 EN D of the F i R s T ACT; 
 
 
 ACT,
 
 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE a Tavern. 
 
 YOUNG WILDING and PAPILLION rifing from 
 'Table. 
 
 Toung Wilding. 
 
 GAD, I had like to have run into the old 
 gentleman's mouth. 
 
 Pap. It is pretty near the fame thing ; for I 
 faw him join Sir James Elliot: ib your arrival 
 is no longer a feccret. 
 
 T. Wild. Why then I muft lofe my pleafurc, 
 and you your preferment : I mud fubmit to the 
 dull decency of a fobcr family, and you to the 
 cuftomary duties of brufliing and powdering. 
 &ut I was fo flutter'd at meeting my father, that 
 I forgot the fair : pr'ythce who is me ? 
 
 Pap. There were two. 
 
 T. mid. That I faw ? 
 
 Pap. From her footman I learnt her name 
 was Godfrey. 
 
 T. Wild. And her fortune ? 
 
 Pap. Immenle. 
 
 T. Wild. Single, I hope ? 
 
 Pap. Certainly. 
 
 T. Wild. Then will I have her. 
 
 Pap. What, whether me will or no ? 
 
 T. Wild. Yes. 
 
 Pap. How will you manage that ? 
 
 T. Wild.
 
 THE L Y A R. 25 
 
 7. Wild. By making it impofiible for her to 
 marry any one elfe. 
 
 Pap. I don't undcrftand you, Sir, 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, I fhali only have recourfe to 
 that talent you fo migthily admire. You will 
 fee, by the circulation of a few anecdotes, how 
 loon I will get rid of my rivals. 
 
 Pap. At the expence of the lady's reputation, 
 perhaps. 
 
 T. Wild. That will be as it happens. 
 
 Pap. And have you no qualms, Sir ? 
 
 T. Wild. Why, where's the injury ? 
 
 Pap. No injury to ruin her fame 
 
 T. Wild. I will reftore it to her again. 
 
 Pap. How? 
 
 T. Wild. Turn tinker, and mend it myfelf. 
 
 Pap. Which way ? 
 
 T. Wild. The old way j folder it by marriage : 
 that, you know, is the modern falve for every 
 fore. 
 
 Enter WAITER. 
 
 Wait. An elderly gentleman to enquire for 
 Mr. Wilding. 
 
 T. Wild. For me ! what fort of a being is it ? 
 
 Wait. Being, Sir ! 
 
 T. Wild. Ay ; how is he dreft ? 
 
 Wait. In a tye-wjg and fnuff-colour'd coat. 
 
 Pap. Zooks, Sir, it is your father. 
 
 T. Wild. Shew him up. [Exit Waiter. 
 
 Pap. And what muft I do ? 
 
 T. Wild. Recover your broken Englifh, but 
 prdcrve your rank : I have a reaibn tor it. 
 
 Enter OLD WILDING, 
 
 O. Wild* Your fervant, Sir : you are welcome 
 to town, 
 
 D T. Wild.
 
 26 THE L Y A R. 
 
 Y. Wild. You have juft prevented me, Sir : I 
 was preparing to my duty to you. 
 
 0. Wild. If you thought it a duty, you mould, 
 I think, have fooner dilcharg'd it. 
 
 Y.Wild. Sir! 
 
 O. Wild. Was it quite fo decent, Jack, to be 
 fix weeks in town, and conceal yourielf only 
 from me ? 
 
 Y. Wild. Six weeks ! I have fearce been fix 
 hours. 
 
 O. Wild. Come, come ; I am better inform'd. 
 
 Y. Wild. Indeed, Sir, you are impos'd upon. 
 This gentleman (whom firft give me leave to 
 have the honour of introducing to you), this, 
 Sir, is the marquis de Chatreau Briant, of an 
 ancient houfe in Brittany ; who travelling thro* 
 England, chofe to make Oxford for fome time 
 the place of his refidence, where I had the hap- 
 pinefs of his acquaintance. 
 
 0. Wild. Does he fpeak Englim. 
 
 T. Wild. Not fluently, but understands it per- 
 fectly. 
 
 Pap. Pray, Sir 
 
 O. Wild. Any fervices, Sir, that I can render 
 you here you may readily command. 
 
 Pap. Beacoup d'honeur. 
 
 Y. Wild. This gentleman, I fay, Sir, whofe 
 quality and country are fufficient fecurities for 
 his veracity, will aflure you that yerterday we 
 left Oxford together. 
 
 0. Wild. Indeed ! 
 
 Pap. C'eft vrai. 
 
 O. Wild. This is amazing, I was, at the 
 fame time inform'd of another circumftance 
 too, that, I confefs, made me a little untrafy, 
 as it interfer'd with a favourite fchtme of my 
 own. 
 
 Y. tnid.
 
 T H E L Y A R. 27 
 
 T. Wild. What could that be, pray, Sir ? 
 - O. Wild. That you had conceiv'd a violent af- 
 fection for a fair lady. 
 
 T. mid. Sir ! 
 
 O. Wild. And had given her very gallant and 
 very ex pen five proofs of your paffion. 
 
 T. mid. Me, Sir ! 
 
 O. Wild. Particularly laft night j mufic, colla- 
 tions, balls, and fireworks. 
 
 T. Wild. Monfieur le marquis! And pray, 
 Sir, who could tell you all this ? 
 
 O. Wild. An old friend of yours. 
 ' T. Wild. His name, if you pleafe. 
 
 O. Wild. Sir James Elliot. 
 
 T. Wild. Yes , I thought he was the man. 
 
 O. Wild. Your reafon. 
 
 T. Wild. Why, Sir, though Sir James Elliot 
 has a great many good qualities, and is, upon 
 the whole, a valuable man, yet he has one fault 
 which has long determined me to drop his ac- 
 quaintance. 
 
 O. Wild, What may that be? 
 
 T. Wild. Why you can't, Sir, be a ftranger 
 to his prodigious (kill in the traveller's talent. 
 
 O. Wild. How ! 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, notorious to a proverb. His 
 
 friends, who are tender of his fame, glofs over 
 his foible, by calling him an agreeable novelift; 
 and fo he is, with a vengeance : Why, he will 
 tell you more lyes in an hour, than all the cir- 
 culating libraries, put together, will pub.lifh in 
 a year. 
 
 0. Wild. Indeed ! 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, he is the modern Mandeville at 
 Oxford : he was always diflinguifh'd by the fa? 
 cetious appellation of the Bouncer, 
 
 0. Wild. Amazing! 
 
 r,
 
 28 THE L Y A R. 
 
 r. Wild. Lord, Sir, he is fo well underflood 
 in his own country, that at the laft Hereford 
 affize a caufe, as clear as the fun, was ablblutcly 
 thrown away by his being merely mentioned as 
 a witnefs. 
 
 O. mid. A ftrange turn. 
 
 T. Wild. Unaccountable. But there, I think, 
 they went a little too far-, for if it had come 
 to an oath, I don't think he would have bounc'd 
 neither \ but in common occurrences there is no 
 repeating after him. Indeed, my great reafqn 
 for dropping him was, that my credit began to 
 be a little iulpe&cd too. 
 
 Pap. Poor gentleman ! 
 
 O. Wild. Why, i nevir heard this of him. 
 
 T. Wild. That may be : but can there be a 
 ftronger proof of his practice than the flam he 
 has been telling you, of fiieworks, and the Lord 
 knows what. And I dare fwear, Sir, he was 
 very fluent and florid in his defcription. 
 
 O. Jvild. Extremely. 
 
 T. Wild. Yes, that is juft his way ; and not a 
 fyllable of truth from the beginning t,o the end- 
 ing, marquis ? 
 
 Pap. Oh, dat is all a ficYion npcn mine 
 honour. 
 
 T. Wild. You fee, Sir, 
 
 O. Wild. Clearly. I really can't help pitying 
 the poor man. I have heard of people, who, 
 h, long habit, become a kind of conititutionai* 
 lyar . 
 
 . T. Wild. Your obfervation is juft ; that is ex- 
 aclly his cafe. 
 
 I'm lure it is yours. 
 
 O. > lid. Wellj Sir, 1 luppofe vvefhallfee you 
 thi* evening. 
 
 r. mid.
 
 THE L Y A R. 29 
 
 T. Wild. The marquis has an appointment 
 with fome of his countrymen, which I have 
 promis'd to attend , befides, Sir, as he is an 
 entire ftranger in town, he may want my little 
 fervices. 
 
 0. Wild. Where can I fee you in about an 
 hour ? I have a fhort vine to make, in which 
 you are deeply concern'd. 
 
 T. Wild. I (hall attend your commands \ but 
 where ? 
 
 O. Wild. Why here. Marquis, I am your 
 obedient fervant. 
 
 Pap. Votre ferviteur tres humble. 
 
 [Exit Old Wilding. 
 
 T. Wild. So, Papillion ; that difficulty is dif- 
 patch'd. I think I am even with Sir James for 
 his tattling. 
 
 Pap. Mod ingenioufly manag'd : But are not 
 you afraid of the confequence ? 
 
 T. Wild. \ don't comprehend you. 
 
 Pap. A future explanation between the par- 
 ties, 
 
 T. Wild. That may embarrafs : but the day 
 is diftant. I warrant I will bring myfelf off. 
 
 Pap. It is in vain for me to advife. 
 
 T. Wild. Why, to fay truth, I do begin to 
 find my fyftem attended with danger : Give me 
 your hand, Papillion^ I will reform. 
 
 Pdp. Ah, Sir! 
 
 T. Wild. I pofitively will": Why this practice 
 may in time deftroy my credit. 
 
 Pap. That is pretty well done already. [Afide.'} 
 Ay, think of that, Sir. 
 
 T. Mild. Well, if I don't turn out the meereft 
 dull matter of fadt fellow- Bur, Papillion, I 
 muft fcribble a billet to my new flame, I think 
 her nanip is . . 
 
 rt Pap.
 
 3 o T H E L Y A R. 
 
 Pep. Godfrey , her father, an India governor 
 (hut up in the ftrong room at Calcutta, left her 
 all his wealth : flic lives near Mifs Grantam, by 
 Grofvenor-fquare. 
 
 T. Wild, A governor ! oh ho ! Bufhels of 
 rupees, and pecks of pagodas, I reckon/ 
 "Well, I long to be rummaging. But the old 
 gentleman will foon return : I will haften to 
 finifh my letter. But, Papiliion, what could my 
 father mean by a vifit in which I am deeply 
 concern'd ? 
 
 Pap. I can't guefs. 
 
 T. Wild. I flrtill know prefently. To Mifs 
 
 Godfrey, formerly of Calcutta, now refiding in 
 Grofvencr-fquare. Papillion, I won't tell her a 
 word of a lye. 
 
 Pap. You won't, Sir ? 
 
 T. Wild. No ; it would be ungenerous to de- 
 ceive a lady. No; I will be open, candid, and 
 fincere. 
 
 Pap. And if you are, it will be the firft time. 
 
 {Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Mifs GRANTAM and Mifs GODFREY. 
 
 M. God. And you really like this gallant 
 fpark ? 
 
 M. Gr. Prodigioufly. Oh, I'm quite in love 
 vrith his afTurance ! I wonder who he is : he 
 can't have been long in town : a young fellow 
 of his eafy impudence muft have foon made his 
 way to the beft of company. 
 
 M. God. By way of amufement he may prove 
 po difagreeable acquaintance ; but you can'c, 
 furely, have any ferious defigns upon him. 
 
 JVf. Gr, Indeed but I have. 
 
 M.
 
 THE L Y A R. 3 , 
 
 M. God. And poor Sir James Elliot is to be 
 difcarded at once ? 
 
 M.Gr. Oh, no. 
 
 M. Gad. What is your intention in regard to 
 him ? 
 
 M. Gr. Hey ?*- T can't tell you. Perhaps, if 
 I don't like this new man better, I may marry 
 him. 
 
 M. God. Thou art a ftrange giddy girl. 
 
 M. Gr. Quite the reverfe ; a perfect pattern, 
 'of prudence: why, would you have me lefs 
 careful of my perfon than my purfe ? 
 
 M. God. My dear ! 
 
 M. Gr. Why I fay, child, my fortune being 
 in money, I have Tome in India-bonds, fome in 
 the Bank, fome on this ioan, fome on the other 5 
 fo that if one fund fails, I have a fure refource 
 in the reft. 
 
 Af. God. Very true. 
 
 M. Gr. Well, my dear, juft fo I manage my 
 love-affairs : if I mould not like this manif 
 
 he mould noc like me if we fhould quarrel 
 
 if, ifor in fhort, if any of the ifs mould hap- 
 pen, which you know break engagements every 
 day, why by this means J mall be never at a 
 lofs. 
 
 M. God. Quite provident. Well; and pray 
 on how many different fecurities have you at 
 prefent plac'd out your love ? 
 
 M. Gr. Three: the fober Sir James Elliot, 
 the new America-man, and this morning I ex- 
 pect a formal propofal from an old friend of mv 
 father. 
 
 M. God. Mr. Wilding. 
 
 M, Gr. Yes ; but I don't reckon rmjch upon 
 him : for you know, my dear, what can I do 
 with an aukward, raw, college cub ? Though, 
 
 upon
 
 32 T H, E L Y A R. 
 
 upon fecond thoughts, that may'nt be too bad 
 neither; for as I mud have the falhioning of 
 him, he may be eafily moulded to one's mind. 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 Serv: Mr. Wilding, Madam. 
 
 M.Ga. Shew him in. [Exit Servant.] You 
 need not go, my dear ; we have no particular 
 bufmefs. 
 
 M. God. I wonder now what me calls par- 
 ticular bufmefs. 
 
 Enter OLD WILDING. 
 
 O. Wild. Ladies, your fervant. I wait upon 
 you, Madam, with a requeft from my fon, that 
 he may be permitted the honour of killing your 
 hand. 
 
 M. Gr. Your fon is in town then ? 
 
 O. Wild. He came laft night, Ma'am; and 
 though but juft from the univerfity I think I 
 may venture to affirm, with as little the air of a 
 pedant as 
 
 M. Gr. I don't, Mr. Wilding, queftion the 
 accomplimments of your fon ; and (hall own 
 too, that his being defcemled from the old 
 friend of my father, is to me the itrongeft re- 
 commendation. 
 
 O. Wild. You honour me, Madam. 
 
 M. Gr. But, Sir, I have fomething to fay 
 
 O. Wild. Pray, Madam, fpeak out ; it is im- 
 poflible to be too explicit on theie important 
 occafions. 
 
 M. Gr. Why then, Sir, to a man of your wif- 
 dom and experience I need not obferve, that the 
 lois of a parent to counfel and direct at this fo- 
 
 lemn
 
 THE L Y A R. 33 
 
 crifis, has made a greater degree of per- 
 ibnal prudence neceflary in me. 
 O. fTtld. Perfcdly right, Ma'am. 
 M. Gr. We live, Sir, in a very cenfbrioug 
 world : a young woman can't be too much 
 upon her guard ; nor mould I chufe to admit 
 any man in the quality of a lover, if there was 
 
 not at leaft a flrong probability 
 
 0. Wild. Of a more intimate connection. I 
 hope^ Madam, you have heard nothing to the 
 diiadvantage of my fon. 
 
 M. Gr. Not a fyllable : but you know, Sir, 
 there are fuch things in nature as unaccoun- 
 table antipathies, aveifions, that we take at 
 firft fight : I mould be glad there could be no 
 danger of that. 
 
 O. mid. I underftand you, Madam ; you 
 fhall have all the fatisfadion imaginable : Jack 
 is to meet me immediately ; I will conduct him 
 under your window ; and if his figure has the 
 misfortune to difpleafe, I will take care his 
 addrefles (hall never offend you. Your moft 
 obedient fervant. {Exit 
 
 M. Gr. Now there is a polite, fenfible, old 
 father for you. 
 
 M. God. Yes ; and a very difcreet, prudent 
 daughter he is likely to have. Oh, you are 
 a great hypocrite, Kitty. 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 Serv-. A letter for you, Madam. \To Mifs 
 Godfrey.] Sir James Elliot to wait on your 
 ladymip. [-To Mifs Grantam.] Exit. 
 
 M. Gr. Lord, I hope he won't ftay long here! 
 He comes, and feems entirely wrapt up in the 
 difmals : what can be the matter now ? 
 
 Enttr
 
 $4 T H E L Y A R, 
 
 Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT. 
 
 Sir Ja. In pafflng by your door, I took the 
 liberty, Ma'am, of enquiring after your health. 
 
 M. Gr. Very obliging. I hope, Sir, you 
 receiv'd a favourable account. 
 
 Sir Ja. I did not know but you might have 
 caught cold laft night. 
 
 M. Gr. Cold ! why Sir, I hope I did not 
 fleep with my bed-chamber window open. 
 
 Sirja. Ma'am! 
 
 M. Gr. Sir ! 
 
 Sir Ja. No, Ma'am ; but it was rather ha- 
 zardous to ftay fo late upon the water. 
 
 M. Gr. Upon the water ! 
 
 Hir Ja. Not but the variety of amufements, 
 it muit be own'd, were a (ufficient temptation. 
 
 M. Gr. What can he be driving at now ! 
 
 Sir Ja. And pray, Madam, what think you 
 of Young Wilding ? is not he a gay, agreeable, 
 fprightly 
 
 M. Gr. I never give my opinion of people 
 I don't know. 
 
 Sir Ja. You don't know him ! 
 
 M. Gr. No. 
 
 Sir Ja. And his father I did not meet at 
 your door ! 
 
 M. Gr. Moft likely you did. 
 
 Sir Ja. I am glad you own that, however : 
 Bur, tor the fon, you never 
 
 M. Gr. Sat eyes upon him. 
 
 Sir Ja. Really ? 
 
 M. Gr. Really. 
 
 Sir Ja. Finely fupported. Now, Madam,- 
 do you know that one of us is juit going to 
 make a very ridiculous figure ? 
 
 U. Gr.
 
 T H E L Y A R. S5 
 
 M. Gr. Sir, I never had the leaft doubt of 
 your talents for excelling in that way. 
 
 Sir Ja. Ma'am, you do me honour : but it 
 does not happen to fall to my lot upon this oc- 
 cafion, however. 
 
 M. Gr. And that is a wonder! What, then 
 I am to be the fool of the comedy, I fuppofe. 
 
 Sir Ja. Admirably rally'd ! But I fhall dart* 
 the fpirit of that triumphant laugh. 
 
 M. Gr. I dare the attack. Come on, Sir. 
 
 Sir Ja. Know then, and blufh, if you are nof 
 as loft to fhame as dead to decency, that I am 
 no ftranger to all lad night's tranfactions. 
 
 M. Gr. Indeed ! 
 
 Sir Ja. From your firfl entering the barge at 
 Somerfet-houfe, to your lalt landing at White- 
 hall. 
 
 M. Gr. Surprizing ! 
 
 Sir Ja. Cupids, collations, feafts, fireworks, 
 all have reach'd me. 
 
 M. Gr. Why you deal in magic. 
 
 Sir Ja. My intelligence is as natural as it is 
 infallible. 
 
 M. God. May I beindulg'd with the name of 
 your informer. 
 
 Sirja. Freely, Madam. Only the very indi- 
 vidual fpark to whofe folly you were indebted 
 for this gallant profufion. 
 
 M. Gr. But his name ? 
 
 Sir Ja. Young Wilding. 
 
 M. Gr. You had this ftory from him ? 
 
 Sir Ja. I had. 
 
 M. Gr. From Wilding ! That is amazing. 
 
 Sir Ja. Oh ho ! what you are confounded at 
 laft-, and no evafion to fubterfuge, no 
 
 M. Gr. Lookye, Sir James ; what you can 
 jnean by- this ftrange ftory, and very extraordu 
 
 n.ary
 
 3 6 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 nary behaviour, it is impoflible for me to con- 
 ceive , but if it is meant, as an artifice to pal- 
 liate your infidelity to me, lei's pains would have 
 anfwer'd your purpofe. 
 
 Sirja. Oh, Madam, I know you are pro- 
 vided. 
 
 Mr, Gr. Matchlefs infolence ! As you can't 
 expect that I fhould be prodigioufly pleas'd with 
 the fubject of this vifir, you won't be iurprizecl 
 at my wilhing it as fhort as pofnble. 
 
 Sir Ja. I don't wonder you feel pain at my 
 prefence ; but you may reft fecure you will 
 have no interruption forme ; and I really think 
 it would be pity to part two people fo exactly 
 formed for each other. Your ladyfhip's fervant. 
 [Going. \ But, Madam, though your fex fecures 
 you from any farther referitment, yet the pre- 
 fent object of your favour may have Ibmething 
 to fear. [Exit. 
 
 M. Gr. Very well. No my dear I hope 
 
 - you will acknowledge the prudence of my plan. 
 
 To what a pretty condition I muft have been 
 
 reduc'd if my hopes had refted upon one lover 
 
 alone. 
 
 M. God. But are you fure that your method 
 to multiply, may not be the means to reduce 
 the number of your flaves ? 
 
 M. Gr. ImpofTible ! Why can't you difcern 
 that this flam of Sir James Elliot's is a mere 
 fetch to favour his retreat. 
 
 M. God. And you never faw Wilding ? 
 
 bl. Gr. Never. 
 
 M. God. There is fome myftery in this. I 
 have too here in my hand another' moruhcauon 
 that you mult endure. 
 
 M.Gr. Of what kind? 
 
 M. Gcd.
 
 THE L Y A R. S7 
 
 M. Cod. A little ally'd to the laft : it \s from 
 the military fpark you met this morning. 
 
 M+Gr. What are the contents ? 
 .M. God. Only a formal declaration of love. 
 
 M. Gr. Why, you did not fee him. 
 
 M. God. But it feems he did me. 
 
 M. Gr. Might I perufe it?- "Battles no 
 wounds lo fatal cannon-balls Cupid fpring 
 a mine cruelty die on a counterfcarp eyes 
 artillery death the ilranger." It is addrefs'd 
 to you. 
 
 M. God. I told you fo. 
 
 M Gr. You will pardon me, my dear; but 
 I really can't compliment you upon the fuppo, 
 iition of a conquett at my expence. 
 
 M. God. That would be enough to make me 
 vain: But why do you think it wasfoimpoflible? 
 
 M ^' A " c L do y u Positively want areafon? 
 M. God. Pofitivrly. 
 
 M. Gr. Why then I (hall refer you for an 
 anfwer to a faithful counfellor and moft accom- 
 phfli'd critic. 
 
 M. God. Who may that be ? 
 
 M. Gr. The mirror upon your toilette" 
 
 7 in judgment. 
 
 . Gr. Why, can glafles flatter ? 
 M. God. I can't fay I think that r/eceflary 
 M.Gr. Saucy enough ! But come, child 
 don t Jet us quarrel upon fo whimfical an occa- 
 >n ; time will explain the whole. You will fa 
 vour me with your opinion of Young Wilding 
 at my window. 
 / M. God. I attend you. 
 
 ii t t^h ? ?TT ou win forgive mej m y dea ^the 
 
 httle hint I dropt ; it was meant merely to ferve 
 you ; for indeed, child, there is no quality fo 
 
 infufFcrablc
 
 33 T H E L Y A It. 
 
 infurYerable in a yci:ng woman as felf-conceit 
 and vanity, 
 
 M. Gcd. You are moft prodigioufly obliging. 
 
 M. Gr. I'll follow you, Mifs. [Exit Mifs God- 
 frey.] Pert thing ! She grows immoderately 
 ugly. I always thought her aukward, but {he is 
 now an abiblute fright. 
 
 M. Gcd. [within.] Mifs, Mifs Grantam, your 
 hero's at hand. 
 
 M. Gr. I come. 
 
 M. God. As I live, the very individual 
 ftranger. 
 
 M, Gr. No, fure ! Oh Lord, let me have a 
 peep. 
 
 M. Gcd. It is he, it is he, it is he. 
 
 Enter OLD WILDING, YOUNG WILDING, and 
 PAPILLION. 
 
 O. Wild. There, Marquis, you muft pardon 
 me ; for though Paris be more compact, yet 
 iurely London covers a much greater quantity, 
 
 Oh, Jack, look at that corner houle ; how 
 
 d'ye like it ? 
 
 T. Wild. Very well: but I don't fee anything 
 extraordinary. 
 
 O. wild. I wifli though you were the matter 
 of what it contains. 
 
 T. Wild. What may that be, Sir ? 
 
 O. Wild. The miftrefs, you rogue, you : a fine 
 girl, and an immenfe fortune ; ay, and a pru- 
 dent fenfible wench into the bargain. 
 
 T. Wild. Time enough yet, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. I don't fee that : You are, lad, the 
 laft of our race, and I mould be glad to fee fome 
 probability of its continuance. 
 
 T.
 
 f H E L Y A R. 39 
 
 T. Wild. Suppofe, Sir, you were to repeat 
 your endeavours, you have cordially my confent. 
 
 O. Wild. No ; rather too late in life for that 
 experiment. 
 
 T. Wild. Why, Sir, would you recommend a 
 condition to me, that you difapprove of yourfelf. 
 
 0. Wild. Why, Sirrah, I have done my duty 
 to the public and my family, by producing you: 
 now, Sir, it is incumbent on you to difchargc 
 your debt. 
 
 T. Wild. In the college cant, I (hall beg 
 leave to tick a little longer. 
 
 O. Wild. Why then, to be ferious, fon, this 
 is the very bufmefs I wanted to talk with you 
 about. In a word, 1 wilh you married ; and by 
 providing the lady of that manfion for the pur- 
 pofe, I have proved myfelf both a father and a 
 friend. 
 
 7*. Wild. Far be it from me to queftion your 
 care ; yet fome preparation for fo important a 
 change- 
 
 O. Wild. Oh, I will allow you a week. 
 
 T. Wild. A little more knowledge of the 
 world. 
 
 O. Wild. That you may ftudy at leifure. 
 
 T. Wild. Now all Europe is in arms, my de- 
 fign was to ferve my country abroad. 
 
 O. Wild. You will be full as ufeful to it by- 
 recruiting her fubjects at home. 
 
 T.Wild. You are then rcfolv'd. 
 
 O.Wild. Fix'd. 
 , T. Wild. Pofitively ? 
 
 O. Wild. Peremptorily. 
 
 T. Wild. No prayers 
 
 O. Wild. Can move me. 
 
 T. Wild. How the deuce (hall I get out o 
 this toil. \Afide ^\ But fuppofe, Sir, there 
 fhould be an unfurmountablc objection ? 
 
 O. Wild.
 
 '40 THE L Y A R, 
 
 O. Wild. Oh, leave the reconciling that to 
 me ; I am an excellent cafuift. 
 
 T. Wild. But I fay, Sir, if it fhould be im- 
 poflible to obey your commands ? 
 
 O Wild. Impoflible! I don't underftand you. 
 
 Y. Wild. Oh, Sir '.But, on my knees, firft 
 let me crave your pardon. 
 
 O Wild. Pardon ! for what ? 
 
 T. Wild. I fear I have loft all title to your 
 future favour. 
 
 O. Wild. Which way ? 
 
 T. Wild. I have done a deed 
 
 O. Wild. Let us hear it. 
 
 T. Wild. At Abington, in the county of Berks* 
 
 O. Wild. Well ? 
 
 T. Wild. 1 am > 
 
 O. Wild. What 1 
 
 T. Wild. Already married. 
 
 O. Wild. Married ! 
 . Pap. Married ! 
 
 r. Wild. Married, 
 
 O. Wild. And without my content ? 
 
 T. Wild. Compcll'd ; fatally forc'd. Oh, Sir, 
 did you but know all the circumftances of my 
 fad, fad ftory, your rage would foon convert it- 
 felf to pity. 
 
 0. Wild. What an unlucky event! But rife, 
 and let me hear it all. 
 
 T. Wild. Th; j ftiame and confufion I now feel 
 renders that tafk at prefent impoffible : I rnufi 
 therefore rely for the relation on the good offices 
 of this faithful friend. 
 
 Pap. Me, Sir, I never heard one word of the 
 matter. 
 
 O. Wild. Come, Marquis, favour me with the 
 particulars. 
 
 Pap.
 
 THE L Y A R. 41 
 
 Pap. Upon my vard, Sire, dis affair has fo 
 Ihock me, that I am almoft as incapable to tell 
 de tale as your fon. [To Young Wilding.J Dry 
 a your tears. What can I fay, Sir ? 
 
 T. Wild. Any thing. Oh ! [Seems to weep.] 
 
 Pap. You fee, Sire. 
 
 O. Wild. Your kind concern at the misfor- 
 tunes of my family calls for the mod grateful 
 acknowledgement. 
 
 Pap. Dis is great misfortunes, fans doute. 
 
 O. Wild. But if you, a ftranger, are thu,s af- 
 fected, what muft a father feel ? 
 
 Pap. Oh, beaucoup great deal more. 
 
 Q. Wild. But fince the evil is without a re- . 
 medy, let us know the worft at once. Well, 
 Sir, at Abington. 
 
 Pap. Yes, at Abington. 
 
 O. Wild. In the county of Berks ? 
 
 Pap. Dat is right, in de county of Berks, 
 
 r. mid. oh, oh ! 
 
 O. Wild. Ah, Jack, Jack ! are all my hopes 
 then Though I dread to afk, yet it muft be 
 known ; who is the girl, pray Sir ? 
 
 Pap. De girl, Sir \AJide to Young Wilding] 
 Who (hail I fay*? 
 
 T. Wild. Any body. 
 
 Pap. For de girl, I can't fay upon my vard. 
 
 0. Wild. Her condition ? 
 
 Pap. Pas grande condition ; dat is to be fure. 
 But dere is no help. -\Afide to Young Wilding.] 
 Sir, I am quite aground. 
 
 O. Wild. Yes ; I read my fhame in his rer- 
 ferve : fome artful huffy ! 
 
 Pap. Dat may be. Vat you call huffy ? 
 
 O. Wild. Or perhaps fomecommorrcreaturei 
 But I'm prcpar'd to hear the worft. 
 
 F Pap'
 
 4 t THE L Y A R. 
 
 \ 
 
 Pap. Have you no mercy ? 
 
 T. Wild. I'll ftep to your relief, Sir. 
 
 Pap. O Lord ! a happy deliverance. 
 
 T. Wild. Though it is almoft death for me to 
 /peak, yet it would be infamous to let the repu- 
 tation of the lady fuffer by my filence : She is, 
 Sir, of an ancient houfe and unblemilh'd cha- 
 racter. 
 
 O. Wild. That is fomething. 
 
 T. Wild. And though her fortune may not be 
 equal to the warm wifhes of a fond father, 
 yet 
 
 0. Wild. Her name ? 
 
 r. Wild. Mils Lydia Sybthorp. 
 
 O. Wild. Sybthorp. 1 never heard of the 
 
 name. But proceed. 
 
 T. Wild. The latter end of lad long vacation, 
 I went with Sir James Elliot to pafs a few days 
 at a new purchale of his near Abington. There 
 at an afietnbly it was my chance to meet and 
 dance with this lady. 
 
 O. Wild. Is me handfome ? 
 
 T. Wild. Oh, Sir, more beautiful 
 
 O. Wild. Nay, no raptures ; but go on. 
 
 Y. Wild. But to her beauty Ihe adds polite- 
 nefs, affability, and difcretion * unlcfs (he for- 
 feited that character by fixing her affection on 
 me. 
 
 O. Wild. Modeftly obferved. 
 T. Wild, I was deterr'd from a public decla- 
 ration of my paffion, dreading the fcantinds of 
 her fortune would prove an objection to you. 
 Some private interviews me permitted. 
 
 O. mid. Was that fo decent ? But love and 
 i prudence, madnefs and reafon. 
 
 T. Wild.
 
 THE L Y A R. 43 
 
 Y. Wild. One fatal evening, the twentieth of 
 September, if I miilake not, we were in a re- 
 tir'd room, innocently exchanging mutual vows, 
 when her father, whom we expect to fup abroad, 
 came fuddenly upon us. I had juft time to con- 
 ceal myfelf in a clofet. 
 
 O. Wild. What, unobferved by him ? 
 
 Y. Wild. Ehtirely. But, as my ill ftars would 
 have it, a cat, of whom my wife is vaftly fond, 
 had a few days before lodged a litter of kittens 
 in the fame place : I unhappily trod upon one of 
 the brood, which fo provok'd the implacable 
 mother, that Ihe flew at me with the fury of a 
 tiger. 
 
 O. Wild. I have obferv'd thofe creatures very 
 fierce in defence of their young. 
 
 Pap. I mail hate a cat as long as I live. 
 
 Y. Wild. The noife rous'd the old gentle- 
 man's attention : he opened the door, and there 
 difcover'd your fon. * : 
 
 Pap. Uunlucky. 
 
 Y. Wild. I rum'd to the door-, but fatally my 
 foot flipt at the top of the (lairs, and down I 
 came tumbling to the bottom ; the piftol in 
 my hand went off by accident: this alarm'd 
 her three brothers in the parlour, who, with 
 all their fervants, rum'd with united force upon 
 me. 
 
 O. Wild: And fo furpriz'd you ? 
 
 Y. Wild. No, Sir ; with my fword I for fome 
 time made a gallant defence, and mould have 
 inevitably efcap'd, but a raw-bon'd, over-grown, 
 clumiy cook-wench, (truck at my fword with a 
 kitchen poker, broke k in two, and compell'd 
 me to furrender at discretion : the coufequence 
 of which is obvious enough. 
 
 O. Wild.
 
 44 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 0. Wild. Natural. The lady's reputation, 
 your condition, her beauty, your love, all com" 
 bin'd to make marriage an unavoidable meafure. 
 
 1 ' . Wild. May I hope then you rather think 
 me unfortunate than culpable ? 
 
 O. Wild, Why your fituation is a fufficient 
 excufe : all I blame you for is your keeping it 
 a fecret from me. With Mils Grantam I mall 
 make an aukward figure : but the beft apology 
 is the truth : I'll haften and explain it to her 
 all Oh, Jack, Jack, this is a mortifying 
 bufinefs. 
 
 T. Wild. Moft melancholy. 
 
 [Exit Old Wilding. 
 
 Pap. I am amaz'd Sir, that you have ib care- 
 fully conceal'd this tranfaction from me. 
 
 T. Wild. Heyday ! what do you believe it 
 too. 
 
 Pap. Believe it ! Why is not the flory of the 
 marriage true ? 
 
 T. Wild. Not a fyllable. 
 
 Pap. And the cat, and the piftol, and the 
 poker. 
 
 T. Wild. All invention. And were you really 
 taken in. 
 
 Pap. Lord, Sir, how was it pofiible to avoid 
 it ? Mercy on us ! what a collection of circum- 
 ftances have you crowded together ! 
 
 T. Wild, Genius ; the mere effects of genius, 
 Papillion. But to deceive you, who lo tho- 
 roughly know me ! 
 
 Pap. But to prevent that for the future, could 
 you not juft give your humble fervant a hint, 
 when you are bent upon bouncing. Bcfides, 
 Sir, if you recollect your fix'd relolution to re- 
 form 
 
 T. Wild.
 
 THE L Y A R. 45 
 
 T. Wild. Ay, as to matter of fancy, the mere 
 fport and frolic of invention : but in cafe of ne- 
 ceffity why, Mifs Godfrey was at flake, and I 
 was forc'd to ufe all my finefle. 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 Serv. Two letters, Sir. [Exit 
 
 Pap. There are two things in my confcience 
 my mafter will never want : a prompt lie, and 
 a ready excufe for telling of it. 
 
 T. Wild. Hum ! bufmefs begins to thicken 
 upon us : a challenge from Sir James Elliot, 
 and a rendezvous from the pretty Mifs Godfrey. 
 They mail both be obierv'd, but in their order; 
 therefore the lady firft. Let me fee I have not 
 been twenty hours in town, and I have already- 
 got a challenge, a miftrefs, and a wife , now if I 
 can but get engaged in a chancery fuit, I fliall 
 have my hands pretty full of employment. 
 Come, Papillion, we have no Time to be idle. 
 
 [Exeunf. 
 
 E N D of the SECOND ACT, 
 
 ACT
 
 46 T H E t Y A R; 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 Mifs GRA^TAM and Mifs GODFREY. 
 
 Mifs Godfrey. 
 
 UPON my word, Mifs Grantam, this is but 
 an idle piece of curiofuy : you know the 
 man is already difpos'd of and therefore 
 
 M. Gr, That is true, my dear -, but there is 
 in this affair fome myftery that I muft and will 
 have explain'd. 
 
 M. God. Come, come, I know the grievance. 
 You can't brook that this fpark, though even a 
 married man, mould throw off his allegiance to 
 you, and enter a volunteer in my fervice. 
 
 M. Gr. And fo you take the fa& for granted? 
 
 M. God. Have I not his letter ? 
 
 M. Gr. Conceited creature! 1 fancy, Mifs* 
 by your vaft affection for this letter^ it is the firft 
 of the kind you have ever receiv'd. 
 
 M. God. Nay, my dear, why mould you be 
 piqu'd at me ? the fault is none of mine; I 
 dropt no handkerchief-, I threw out no lure : 
 the bird came willingly to hand, you know. 
 
 M. Gr. Metaphorical too ! what, you are fet- 
 ting up for a wit as well as a belle ! why really, 
 Madam, to do you juftice, you have full as fine 
 prctenfions to one as the other. 
 
 M. God. I fancy, Madam, the world will not 
 form their judgment of either from the report 
 of a difappoinced rival. 
 
 MGr.
 
 THE L Y A R. 47 
 
 M. Gr. Rival ! admirably rally'd ! But, let 
 me tell you, Mauam, this fort of behaviour, 
 Madam, at your own houfe, whatever may be 
 your beauty, is no great proof of your breeding, 
 Madam. 
 
 M. God. As to that, Ma'am, I hope I fhall 
 "always (hew a proper refentment to any infult 
 that is ofFcr'd me, let it be in whofe houfe it 
 will. The affignation, Ma'am, both time and 
 place, was of your own contriving. 
 ' M. Gr. Mighty well, Ma'am ! 
 
 M. God. But if, dreading a mortification, you 
 think proper to alter your plan, your chair, I 
 believe is in waiting. 
 
 M. Gr. It is, Madam ! then let it wait Oh, 
 what that was your fcheme ! but it won't take, 
 Mifs : the contrivance is a little too mallow. 
 
 M?God. I don't unclerftand you. 
 
 M. Gr. Cunning creature ! So all this info- 
 lence was concerted, it feems -, a plot to drive 
 me out of the houfe, that you might have the 
 fellow all to.yourfelf : But I have a regard for 
 your character, though you neglect it. Fie, 
 JVH' S ! a paffion for a married man ! I really 
 bluih for you. 
 
 M. God. And I moft fincerely pity you. But 
 curb your choler a little : the enquiry you are 
 about to make requires rather a cooler difpofi- 
 tion of mind ; and by this time the hero is at 
 hand. 
 
 M. Gr. Mighty well ; I am prepar'd. But, 
 Mifs Godfrey, if you really wim to be acquitted 
 of all artificial underhand dealings, in this 
 affair, fuffer me in your name to manage the 
 interview. 
 
 M. God. Moft willingly. But he will recol- 
 lect your voice,
 
 4 S THE L Y A R. 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, that is eafily alter'd. [Enter * 
 Maid, who wbifpers Mifs Grantam, and exit.'] 
 It is he, but hide yourfclf, Mifs, if you pleafe. 
 
 M. God. Your hood a little forwarder, Mifs : 
 you may be known, and then we (hall have the 
 language of politcnefs inflam'd to proofs of a 
 violent paflion. 
 
 M. Gr. You are prodigioufly cautious. 
 
 Enter YOUNG* WILDING. 
 
 T. Wild. This rendezvous is fomething in the 
 Spanifh tafte, imported, I fuppofe, with the 
 guitar. At prelent, I prefume, the cuftom is 
 confin'd to the great ; but it will defcend, and 
 in a couple of months I (hall not be flirpriz'd 
 to hear an attorney's hackney clerk roufing at 
 midnight, a millener's 'prentice, with an " Ally, 
 Ally Croker." But that, if I miftake not, is the 
 temple ; and fee my goddefs herfelf. Mils 
 Godfrey ! 
 
 M.Gr. Hufli. 
 
 T. Wild. Am I right, Mifs? 
 
 M. Gr. Softly. You receiv'd my letter, I 
 fee, Sir. 
 
 T. Wild. And flew to the appointment with 
 more 
 
 M. Gr. No raptures, I beg. But you muft 
 notffuppofe this meeting meant to encourage 
 your hopes. 
 
 T. Wild. How, Madam ! 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, by no means, Sir j for tho' I own 
 your figure is plcafing, and your converfation 
 
 M. God. Hold, Mils ; when did I ever con- 
 verfe with him ? 
 
 M. Gr. Why, did not you fee him in the 
 Park ? 
 
 M. Ccd.
 
 THE L Y A R. 49 
 
 _ M. God. True, Madam; but the converfa- 
 tion was with you. 
 
 M.Gr, Blefs rne! you are very difficult I 
 fay, Sir, though your perfon may be unexcep- 
 tionable, yet your character - , 
 
 T. Wild. My character I. 
 
 M. Gr. Come, come, you are better known 
 than you imagine. 
 
 T. Wild. -I hope nor. 
 
 M. Gr. Your name is Wilding. 
 
 T. mid. How the deuce came Hie by that T 
 True, Madam. 
 
 M. Gr. Pray have you never heard of a Mifs 
 Gran tarn ? 
 
 T. Wild. Frequently. 
 
 M. Gr You have. And had you never any 
 favourable thoughts of that lady ? Now mind 
 
 T. Wild. If you mean as a lover, never The 
 lady did me the honour to have a fmall defign 
 upon me. 
 
 M. God. I hear every word, Mifs. 
 
 M.Gr. But you need not lean fo heavy upon 
 me ; he fpeaks loud enough to be heard __ I 
 have been told, Sir, that - 
 
 Y.Wild Yes, Ma'am, and very likely by the 
 lady herfelf. 
 
 M. Gr. Sir ! * 
 
 . Oh, Madam, I have another obi w. 
 
 tion in my pocket to Mifs Granram, which muft 
 be diicharg'd in the morning. 
 M. Gr. Of what kind ? 
 
 ^ T qua. Why the lady, finding an old hum- 
 We fervant of hers a little lethargic, has thought 
 ht to adminifter me in a jealous draught, in Sr- 
 der to quicken his pafllon. 
 'M. Gr. Sir, let me tell you -- r 
 
 G M. God.
 
 5 o THELYAR 
 
 M. Cod. Have a care ; you will betray your- 
 fclf. 
 
 T. Witt. Oh, the whole ftory will afford you 
 infinite diverfion: fuch a farago of fights and 
 feafts. But, upon my honour, the girl has a 
 fertile invention. 
 
 M. God. So ! what .that ftory was yours was 
 it? 
 
 T. Wild. Pray, Madam, do'nt I hear another 
 voice ? 
 
 M. Gr. A diftant relation of mine. Every 
 
 fyllable falfe. But, Sir, we have another charge 
 againft you. Do you know any thing of a lady 
 at Abrington ? 
 
 T. Wild. Mifs Grantam again. Yes, Madam, 
 I have Ibme knowledge of that lady. 
 
 M. Gr. You have ! Well, Sir, and that being 
 the cafe, how could you have the afiurance 
 
 T. Wild. A moment's patience, Ma'am. That 
 lady, that Berkfliire lady, . will, I can affure you, 
 prove no bar to my hopes. 
 
 M. Gr. How, Sir, no bar ? 
 
 T. Wild. Not in the leaft, Ma'am; for that 
 lady exifts in idea only. 
 
 M. Gr. No fuch perfon. 
 
 T. Wild. A meer creature of the imagination. 
 
 M. Gr. Indeed ? 
 
 T. Wild. Trie attacks of Mifs Grantam were 
 fo powerfully enforc'd too by paternal authori- 
 ty, that I had no method of avoiding the blow, 
 but by the fhdtering myfelf under the conjugal 
 fhield. 
 
 M. Gr. You are not marry'd then ? But 
 what credit can I give to the profdnons of a 
 man, who, in an article of fuch importance, and 
 to a pcrlon of luch reipcct 
 
 T. Wild.
 
 THE L Y A R. 51 
 
 T. Wild. Nay, Madam, furely Mifs Godfrey 
 fhould not accufe me of a crime her own charms 
 have occafion'd. Could any other motive but 
 the fear ' of lofing her prevail on rne to trifle 
 with a father, or compel me to infringe thofe 
 laws which I have hitherto fo unavoidably ob- 
 fcrv'd ? 
 
 M. Gr. What laws, Sir ? 
 
 T. Wild. The facred laws of truth, Ma'am. 
 
 M. Gr. There, indeed, you did yuurfeif an 
 infinite violence. But when the whole of the 
 affair is diicover'd, will it be fo eafy to get rid of 
 Mifs Grancam ? the violence of her paflion, and 
 the old gentleman's obftinancy 
 
 T. Wild. Are nothing to a mind refolv'd. 
 
 M. Gr. Poor Mifs Grantam ! v 
 
 T Wild. Do you know her, Madam ? 
 
 M. Gr. 1 have heard of her : but you, Sir, I 
 fuppofe, have been long on an intimate footing? 
 
 T. Wild. Bred up together from children. 
 
 M. Gr. Brave ! Js fhe handlome ? 
 
 T.Wild. Her paint comes from Paris, and 
 her femme de chambre is an excellent artift. 
 
 M. Gr. Very, well ! Her Ihape ? 
 
 T. Wild. Pray, Madam, is not Curzon ef- 
 teemed the beft ftay-maker for people inclined 
 to be crooked ? 
 
 M. Gr. But as to the qualities of her mind : 
 for inftance, her underftanding ? 
 
 T Wild. Uncultivated. 
 
 M. Gr. Her wit ? 
 
 T. Wild. Borrow'd. 
 
 M.Gr. Hcrtafte? 
 
 T. Wild. Trifling. 
 
 M. Gr. And her temper. 
 
 /", mid. Intolerable. 
 
 M.Gr,
 
 52 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 M. Gr. A finifh'd picture. But come thefc 
 are not your real thoughts ; this is a facrifkc 
 you think due to the vanity ofourfex. 
 
 T. Wild. My honeft fentiments : and to con- 
 vince you how thoroughly indifferent I am to 
 that lady, I would, upon my veracity, as loon 
 take a wife from the grand figriior's leraglio. 
 Now, Ma'am, I hope you are fatisfy'd. 
 
 M. Gr. And you would not fcruple to ac- 
 knowledge this before the lady's face ? 
 
 T. Wild. The firft opportunity 
 
 M. Gr. That I will take care to provide you. 
 Dare you meet me at her houfe ? 
 
 T.Wild. When? 
 
 M. Gr. In half an hour. 
 
 T. Wild. But won't a declaration of this fort 
 appear odd at- 'a 
 
 M. Gr. Come, noevafion ; your conduct and 
 character feem to me a little equivocal, and I 
 muft mfift on this proof, at leaft of 
 
 T. Wild. You (hall have it. 
 
 M. Gr. In half an hour. 
 
 ^ Wild. This inftant. 
 
 M. Gr. Be punctual. 
 
 T. Wild. Or may I forfeit your favour. 
 
 M> Gr Very well : till then, Sir, adieu.- 
 Now I think 1 have my fpark in the toil ; and 
 if the fellow has any feeling, if I don't make 
 
 him fmart for every article Come, my dear, 
 
 I (hall fbnd in need of your aid. [Exeunt. 
 
 T. Wild. So ! I am now, I think, arriv'd at a 
 critical period. If I can but weather this point 
 
 But why fliould I doubt it? it is in the day 
 
 of diftrefs only than a great man difplays his 
 abilities. But I (hall want Papillicn: where 
 can-the puppy be ? 
 
 Enter
 
 THE L Y A &. 
 
 Enter PAPILLION. 
 
 T. Wild. So, Sir j where have you been ram- 
 bling? 
 
 Pap. I did not fuppofe you, would want - 
 
 T. Wild. Want ! you are always out of the 
 way : Here have I been forc'd to tell forty lies 
 upon my own credit, and not a fingle. foul to 
 vouch for the truth of them. 
 
 Pap. Lord, Sir, you know -- 
 
 T. Wild. Don't plague me with your apolo- 
 gies : but it is lucky for you that 1 want your 
 afiiftance. Come with me to Mifs Grantam's. 
 
 Pap. On what occafion ? 
 
 T. Wild. An important one : but I'll prepare 
 you as we walk. 
 
 Pap. Sir, lam really -- 1 could wifti you 
 would be to good as to -- 
 
 T. Wild. What,defert your friend in the heat 
 of battle ! oh, you poltroon ! 
 
 Pap. Sir, I would do any thing, but you 
 know I have not talents. 
 
 T. Wild I do ; and for my own fake (hall not 
 task them too high. 
 
 Pap. Now I fuppofe the hour is come when 
 we mail pay for all. 
 
 T. Wild. Why, what a daflardly, hen-hearted 
 -- But come, Papillion, this mall be your laft 
 campaign. Don't droop, man ; confide in your 
 leader, and remember, Sub aufpice Teucro nil 
 defperandum. [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE
 
 54 T H E L Y A R, 
 
 SCENE a Room. 
 Enter a SERVANT, conducing in OLD WILDING. 
 
 Serv. My lady, Sir, will be at home imme- 
 diately. Sir James Elliot is in the next Room 
 waiting her return. 
 
 O. Wild. Pray, honed friend, will you tell Sir 
 James that I beg the favour of a word with 
 him. [Exit Servant.] This unthinking boy ! 
 Half the purpole of my life has been to plan 
 this fcheme for his happinefs, and in one heed- 
 lefs hour has he mangled all. 
 
 Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT. 
 
 Sir, I ask your pardon j but upon fo interefting 
 a fubject, I know you will excufe my intrufion. 
 Pray, Sir, of what credit is the family of the 
 Sybthorpes in Berkmire ? 
 
 Sirja. Sir! 
 
 O. Wild* I don't mean as to property ; that I 
 am not fo lolicitous about - t but as to their cha- 
 racter : Do they live in reputation ? Are they 
 rcfpected in the neighbourhood ? 
 
 Sirja, The family of the Sybthorpes ! 
 
 O. Wild. Of the Sybihorpes. 
 
 Sir Ja. Really I don't know, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild* Not' know ! 
 
 Sir Ja. No ; it is the very firft time I ever 
 heard of the name. 
 
 O mid. How fteadily he denies it ! Well 
 done, baronet ! I nnJ Jack's account was a 
 juft one. [Afide.] Pray, Sir James, recollect 
 yourlelf. 
 
 Sir Ja,
 
 THE L Y A R. 55 
 
 Sir Ja. It will be to no purpofe. 
 
 O Wild. Come, Sir, your motive for this af- 
 fected ignorance is a generous, but unneceflary 
 proof of your friendfhip for my fon : but I 
 know the whole affair. 
 
 Sir Ja. What affair ? 
 
 O. Wild. Jack's marriage. 
 
 Sir Ja. What Jack ? 
 
 O. mid. My fon Jack. 
 
 Sir Ja. Is he marry'd ? 
 
 O. Wild. Is he marry'd ! why you know he is. 
 
 Sir Ja. Not I, upon my honour. 
 
 O. Wild. Nay, that is going a little too far : 
 but to remove all your fcruples at once, he has 
 own'd it hirnfelf. 
 
 Sir Ja. He has. 
 
 O. Wild. Ay, ay, to me. Every circum- 
 ftance : Going to your new purchafe at Abing- 
 ton meeting Lydia Sybthorp at the affembly 
 their private interviews furpriz'd by the father 
 piftol poker and marriage j in fhort, every 
 particular. 
 
 Sir Ja. And this account you had from your 
 fon? 
 
 O. Wild. From Jack ; not two hours ago. 
 
 Sir Ja. I wifli yo\i joy, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. Not much of thar, I believe. 
 
 Sir Ja. Why, Sir, does the marriage difpleafe 
 you ? 
 
 O. Wild. Doubtlefs. 
 
 Sir Ja. Then 1 fancy you may make yourfelf 
 eafy. 
 
 Q. Wild. Why fo ? 
 
 Sir Ja. You have got, Sir, the moft prudent 
 daughter-in-law in the Britim dominions, 
 
 \). Wild. I am happy to hear it, 
 
 Sir Ja.
 
 56 THE L Y A R: 
 
 Sir Ja. For though fhe mayn't have brought 
 you much, I'm lure (he'll not coftyou a farthing. 
 
 O. Wild. Ay ; exactly Jack's account. 
 
 Sir Ja: She'll be eafily jomtur'd. 
 
 O. Wild. Juftice (hall be done her. 
 
 Sir Ja. No provision neceffary for younger 
 children. 
 
 O. Wild. No Sir ! why not,? I can tell you, 
 if fhe aniwers your account, not the daughter 
 of a duke 
 
 Sir Ja. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 O. Wild. You are merry, Sir. 
 
 Sir Ja. What an unaccountable fellow ! 
 
 O. Wild. Sir ! 
 
 Sir Ja. I beg your pardon, Sir. But with 
 regard to this marriage 
 
 O. Wild. Well, Sir. 
 
 Sir Ja. I take the whole hiftory to be neither 
 more nor lefs than abfolute fable. 
 
 O. Wild. How, Sir I 
 
 Sir Ja. Even fo. 
 
 O. Wild. Why, Sir, do you think my fon 
 would dare to impofe upon me ? 
 
 Sir Ja. Sir, he would dare to impofe upon 
 any body. Don't I know him ? 
 
 O. Wild. .What do you know ? 
 
 Sir Ja. I know, Sir, that his narratives gain 
 him more applaufe than credit; and that, whe- 
 ther from constitution or habit, there is no be- 
 lieving a fyllable he fays. 
 
 O. Wild. Oh, mighty well, Sir! lie wants 
 to turn the tables upon Jack. But it won't do; 
 you are foreftall'd ; your novels won't pals upon 
 me. 
 
 Sirja. Sir! 
 
 O. Wild. Nor is the character of my fon 10 
 be blafted with the breath of a bouncer. 
 
 Sir Ja,
 
 THE LYAR, 57 
 
 Sir Ja. What is this ? 
 
 O. Wild. No, no, Mr. Mandeville, it won't 
 do; you are as well known here as in your own 
 county of Hereford. 
 
 Sir Ja, Mr. Wilding, but that I am fnre this 
 extravagant behaviour owes its rife to fome im- 
 pudent impofitions of your fon, your age would 
 Icarce prove your protection. 
 
 O. Wild. Nor, Sir, but that T know my boy 
 equal to the defence of his own honour, mould 
 he want a protector in this arm, wither'd and 
 impotent as you may think it. 
 
 Enter Mifs GRANT AM. 
 
 M. Gr, Blefs me, Gentlemen, what is the 
 meaning of this ? 
 
 Sir Ja. No more, at prefent, Sir : I have an- 
 other demand upon your fon ; we'll fettle the 
 whole together. 
 
 O, Wild. I amfure he will do you juftice. 
 
 M. Gr. How, Sir James-Elliot, I flatter'd 
 myfelf that you had finifh'd your vifits here, Sir. 
 Muft I be the eternal object of your outrage ? 
 not only infulted in my own perfon, but in that 
 of my friends ! Pray, Sir, what right' ... 
 
 O. Wild. Madam, I ask your pardon ; a di'f- 
 agreeable occafion brought me here : I come, 
 Madam, to renounce all hopes of being nearer 
 ally'd to you, my fon unfortunately being mar- 
 ry'd already. 
 
 M. Gr. Marry'd ! 
 
 Sir Ja. Yes, Madam, to a lady Jn the clouds; 
 and becaufe I have refus'd to acknowledge her 
 family, this old gentleman has behav'd in a 
 manner very inconfiftent with his ufual polite- 
 nefs. 
 
 H O. Wild.
 
 58 THE L Y A R. 
 
 0. Wild. Sir, I thought this affair was to be 
 referv'd for another occafion ; butyou,itfeems- 
 
 M. Gr. Oh, is that the bufmefs ? Why, I 
 begin to be afraid that we are here a little in the 
 wrong, Mr. Wilding. 
 
 O.Wild. MUvdam! 
 
 M. Gr. Your Ton has juft confirm'd Sir James 
 Elliot's opinion, at a conference under Mifs 
 Godfrey's window. 
 
 O. mid. Is it poffible ? 
 
 M. Gr. Mod true-, and affign'd two moft 
 whimfical motives for the unaccountable talc. 
 
 O. Wild. What can they be ? 
 
 M. Gr. An averfion for me, whom he has 
 feen but once, and an affection for Mifs God- 
 frey, whom I k am almoft fure he never faw in 
 his life. 
 
 O. Wild. You amaze me. 
 
 M. Gr. Indeed, Mr. Wilding, your fon is a 
 moft extraordinary youth j he has finely per- 
 plex'd us all. I think, Sir James, you have a 
 fmall obligation to him. 
 
 Sir Ja. Which I fhall take care to acknow- 
 ledge the firft opportunity. 
 
 O. Wild. You have my confent. An aban- 
 doned profligate ! -was his father a proper fub- 
 ject for his But I difcard him. 
 
 M. Gr. Nay, now, Gentlemen, you are rather 
 too warm : I can't think Mr. Wilding bad- 
 hearted at the bottom. This is a levity 
 
 O. Wild. How, Madam ! a levity ! 
 
 M. Gr. Take my word for it, no more ; en- 
 flam'd into habit by the approbation of his ju- 
 venile friends. Will you iubmit his punifhment 
 to me ? I think I have the means in my hands, 
 both to fatisfy your refentments, and accomplilh 
 his cure into the bargain. 
 
 Sir Ja.
 
 THE L Y A R. 
 
 59 
 
 Sir Ja. I have no quarrel to him, but for the 
 ill offices he has done me with you. 
 
 M. Gr. D'ye hear, Mr, Wilding ? I am afraid 
 my opinion with Sir James mult cement the ge* 
 neral peace. 
 
 0. Wild. Madam, I fubmit to any-^- 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 Serv. Mr. Wilding to wait upon you, Madam. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 M. Gr. He is punctual, I find. Come, good 
 folks, you all ad under my direction. You, 
 Sir, will get from your fon, by what means you 
 think fit, the real truth of the Abington bufi- 
 nefs. You muft likewife feemingly confent to 
 his marriage with Mifs Godfrey, who I (hrewdly 
 fufpect he has by fome odd accident miftaken 
 for me : the lady herielf fhall appear at youF 
 call. Come, Sir James, you will withdraw. I 
 intend to produce another performer, who will 
 want a, little inftruffcon. Kitty. 
 
 Enter KITTY. 
 
 Let John (hew Mr. Wilding in to his father ^ 
 then come to my drefllng room: I have a fhort 
 fcene to give you in ftudy. [Exit Kitty.] The 
 girl is lively, and, I warrant, will do her cha-r 
 r after juftice. Come, Sir James. Nay, no ce- 
 remony ; we muft be as bufy as bees. [Exeunt* 
 
 O. Wild. This ftrange boy IBut I miift 
 command my temper. 
 
 T. Wild, [fpeaking as he enters.'] People to 
 fpeak with me ! See what they want, Papillion, 
 *T-My father here ! that's unlucky enough. 
 
 O.
 
 60 THE L Y A R. 
 
 O. Wild. Ha, Jack ! what brings you here ? 
 T. Wild. Why, I thought it my duty to wait 
 upon Mifs Grantam, in order to make her fome 
 apology for the late unfortunate 
 
 O. Wild. Well now, that is prudently, as well 
 as politely done. 
 
 T. Wild. 1 am happy to meet, Sir, with your 
 approbation. 
 
 O. Wild. I have been thinking, Jack, about 
 my daughter-in-law : as the affair is public, it 
 is not decent to let her continue longer at her 
 father's. - 
 
 Y. Wild. Sir ! 
 
 O. Wild. Would it not be right to fend for 
 her home ? 
 
 T.Wild. Doubtlefs, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. I think fo. Why then to-morrow 
 my chariot mail fetch her. 
 
 2"\ Wild. The devil it mail ! [Afide.] Not 
 quite fo foon, if you pkafe, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. No ! why not ? 
 
 T. Wild. The journey may be dangerous in 
 her prefent condition. 
 
 O. Wild. What's the matter with her ? 
 
 T. Wild. She is big with child, Sir. 
 
 0. Wild. An audacious -Big with child ! 
 
 that is fortunate. But, however, an cafy car- 
 riage, and fhort ftages can't hurt her. 
 
 T. Wild. Pardon me , Sir, I dare not trufl her: 
 {he is fix months gone. 
 
 O. Wild. Nay, then, there may be danger 
 indeed. But mould not I write toiler father, 
 juft to let him know that you have difcovered 
 the fecret. 
 
 T. Wild. By all means, Sir, it will make him 
 ^xtremcly happy. 
 
 0. Wild*
 
 THE L Y A R. 61 
 
 O Wild. Why then I will inftantly about it. 
 Pray hoa> do you direct to him ? 
 
 T. Wild. Abington, Berkfhire. 
 
 O. Wild. True ; but his addrefs ? 
 
 T. Wild.. You need not trouble yourfelf, Sir: 
 I fhail write by this pod to my wife, and will 
 fend your letter inclos'd. 
 
 O. Wild. Ay, ay, that will do. [Gomg.] 
 
 T. Wild. So, I have parry'd that thrult. 
 
 O. Wild* Tho' upon fecond thoughts, Jack, 
 that will rather look too familwr for an intro- 
 {Juctory letter. 
 
 T. Wild. Sir ! 
 
 O. Wild. And thefe country gentlemen are 
 
 full or punctilios No, I'll lend him a letter 
 
 apart; ib give me his direction. 
 
 T. Wild. You have it, Sir. 
 
 O Wild. Ay, but his name : I have been, fo 
 hurry'd that I have entirely forgot it. 
 
 T, Wild. I am fure fo have I. \Afide.] His 
 name his name, Sir^ Hopkins. 
 
 O. Wiid. H.pkins ! 
 
 7. Wild. Yes, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. That is not the fame name that you 
 gave me before : that, if I recollect, was either 
 Sypthorpe, or Sybthorpe. 
 
 T. Wild. You are right, Sir; that is his pa- 
 ternal appellation ; but the name of Hopkins 
 he took for an eftate of his mother's : fo he is 
 indifcriminately called Hopkins or Sybthorpe; 
 and now I recollect I have his letter in my poc- 
 icet-he figns himfeif Sybthorpe Hopkins. 
 
 Q. Wild. There is no end of this : I muft 
 flop him at once. Harkye, Sir, I think you are 
 call'd my fon. 
 
 T. Wild. I hope, Sir, you have no reafon to 
 doubt it.
 
 6t T H E L Y A R. 
 
 0. Wild. And look upon yourfelf as a gentle- 
 man ? 
 
 T. Wild. In having the honour of defending 
 from you. 
 
 O. Wild. And that you thing a fufficient pre- 
 tenfioji ? 
 
 Y.Wild. Sir pray, Sir- 
 CX Wild. And by what means do you imagine 
 your anceftors obtain'd that diftinguifhing title ? 
 By their pre-eminence in virtue, I fuppole. 
 
 Y.Wild. Doubtlefs, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. And has it never occurt'd to you, 
 that what was gain'd by honour might be loft 
 by infamy ? 
 
 Y. mid. Perfectly, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. Are you to learn what redrefs even 
 the imputation of a lye demands, and that no- 
 thing lefs'than the life of the adverfary can ex* 
 tinguifh the affront. 
 
 Y. Wild. Doubtlefs, Sir. 
 
 0. Wild. Then how dare you call yourfelf ^ 
 gentleman ! you, whofe whole life has been one 
 continued fcene of fraud and falfity ! And 
 would nothing content you but making me a 
 partner in your infamy ? not fatisfied with vio- 
 lating that great band of fociety, mutual con- 
 fidence, the mod facred rights of nature mud be 
 invaded, and your father made the innocent in- 
 flrument to circulate your abominable impo-r 
 ficions ! 
 
 Y.Wild. But, Sir! 
 
 O. Wild. Within this hour my life was near 
 facrific'd in defence of your fame : But perhaps 
 that was your intention, and the ftory of your 
 marriage merely calculated to fend me out of 
 the world, as a grateful return for my bringing 
 you in to it. 
 
 Y.
 
 THE L Y A R, 3 
 
 T. Wild. For heaven's fake, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. What other motive ? 
 
 T. Wild. Hear me, I in treat you, Sin 
 
 O. Wild. To be again impos'd on ! no, Jack, 
 my eyes are open'd at laft. 
 
 T. Wild. By all that's facred, Sir 
 
 0. Wild. I am now deaf to your delufions. 
 
 T. Wild. But hear me, Sir. I own the Abing- 
 ton bufmefs : 
 
 O. Wild. An abfolute fiftion ? 
 
 T. Wild. I do. 
 
 O. Wild. And how dare you 
 
 T. Wild. I crave but a moment's audience. 
 
 O. Wild. Go on. 
 
 T. Wild. Previous to the communication of 
 your intention for me, I accidentally met with 
 a lady whofe charms 
 
 O. Wild. So ! what here's another marriage 
 trumped out : but that is a ftale device. And 
 pray, Sir, what place does this lady inhabit ? 
 Come, come, go on j you have a fertile inven- 
 tion, and this is a fine opportunity. Well, Sir, 
 and this charming lady, refiding, I fuppofe, in 
 Nubibus 
 
 T. Wild. No, Sir ; in London. 
 
 O. Wild. Indeed. 
 
 T. Wild. Nay, more, and at this inftant in 
 this houfe. 
 
 O. Wild. And her name 
 
 Y. Wild. Godfrey. 
 
 O. Wild. The friend of Mifs Grantam ? 
 
 T. Wild. The very fame, Sir. 
 
 O. Wild. Have you fpoke to her ? 
 
 T. Wild. Parted from her not ten minutes "ago, 
 nay, am here by her appointment. 
 
 O. Wild. Has me favour'd your addrefs ? 
 
 T. Wild. Time, Sir, and your approbation, 
 will, I hope. 
 
 0. Wild.
 
 &4 T H E L Y A R: 
 
 O. Wild. Lookye, Sir , as there is fome little 
 probability in this (lory, I Ihall think it worth 
 farther enquiry. To be plain with you, I know 
 Mils Godfrey ; am intimate with her family ; 
 and though you deferve but little from me, I 
 will endeavour to aid your intention. But if rn 
 the progrefs of this affair, you praftife any of 
 your ufual arts ; if I difcover the lead falfhood, 
 the leaft duplicity, remember you have loft a 
 father. 
 
 T. Wild. I fhall fubmit without a murmur. 
 
 [Exit Old Wilding. 
 Enter PAPILLION. 
 T. Wild. Well, Papillion. 
 Pap. Sir, here has been the devil to pay within. 
 Y. Wild. What's the matter ? 
 Pap. A whole legion of cooks, confectioners, 
 muficians, waiters, and watermen. 
 T. Wild. What do they want ? 
 Pap. You, Sir. 
 T.Wild. Me! 
 
 Pap. Yes, Sir ; they have brought in their 
 bills. 
 
 T. Wild. Bills ! for what ? 
 Pap. For the entertainment you gave laft 
 night upon the water. 
 T. Wild. That I gave ! ' 
 Pap. Yes, Sir ! you remember the bill of 
 fare : I am fare the very mention of it makes 
 my mouth water. 
 
 T. Wild. Prithee, are you mad ? There muft 
 be fome miftake ; you know that I 
 
 Pap. They have been vaftly puzzled to find 
 out your lodgings , but Mr. Robinfon meeting 
 by accident with Sir James Elliot,, he was kind 
 enough to tell him where you liv'd. Here are 
 the bills : Almack's, twelve dozen of clarer, 
 
 ditto-
 
 THE L Y A R. 65 
 
 ditto Champagne, Frontiniac/fweatmeats, pine- 
 apples : the whole amount is 372!. QS. befides 
 mufic and fireworks. 
 
 T. Wild. Come, Sir, this is no time for trifling 
 Pap. Nay, Sir, thty fay they have gone full 
 as low as they can afford 5 and they were in 
 hopes, from the great fatisfaftion you exprefs'd 
 to Sir James Elliot, that you would throw them 
 in an additional compliment. 
 
 T Wild. Harkye, Mr. Papillion, if you don't 
 ceafe your impertinence, I mail pay you a com- 
 pliment that you would gladly excufe. 
 
 Pap. Upon my faith I relate but the mere 
 matter of faft. You know, Sir, I am but bad 
 at invention; tho',this incident I can't help 
 thinking is the natural fruit of your happy one 
 T. Wild. But are you ferious ? is this poffible? 
 Pap. Moft certain. It was with difficulty I 
 reftram'd their impatience ; but however I have 
 difpatch'd them to your lodgings, with a pro- 
 mife that you mail immediately meet them. 
 
 r.Wild. Oh, there we mail foon rid our hands 
 of the troop. Now, Papillion I have news for 
 you. My father has got to the bqtcom of the 
 whole Abington bufinefs. 
 Pap. The deuce ! 
 
 T. Wild. We parted this moment. Such a 
 fcene ! 
 
 Pap. And what was the ifTue ? 
 r.Wild. Happy beyond my hopes. Not only 
 an aft of oblivion, but a promile to plead my 
 caule wjth the fair. 
 
 Pap. With Mils Godfrey ? 
 T Wild. Who cite ? He is now with her in 
 another room. 
 
 - *1P\ A nd thcre IB n yu understand me 
 m all this ? 
 
 1 T. Wild.
 
 66 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 T. Wild. No, no i that is all over now my 
 reformation is fix'd. 
 
 Pap. As a weather-cock. 
 
 T. Wild. Here comes my father. 
 
 Enter OLD WILDING. 
 
 O. Wild. Well, Sir, I find in this laft article 
 you have condefcended to tell me the truth : the 
 young lady is not averfe to your union , but in 
 order to fix fo mutable a mind, I have drawn up 
 a flight contract, which you are both to fign. 
 
 Y. Wild. With tranfport. 
 
 O. Wild. I will introduce Mifs Godfrey. \Exit. 
 
 T. Wild. Did not I tell you, Papillion ? 
 
 Pap. This is amazing, indeed. 
 
 T. Wild. Am not I a happy fortunate ? But 
 they come. 
 
 Enter OLD WILDING," and Mifs GODFREY. 
 
 O. Wild. If, Madam, he has not the higheft 
 fenfe of the great honour you do him, I ihall 
 
 ceafe to regard him. There, Sir, make your 
 
 own acknowledgments to that lady. 
 
 T.Wild. Sir! 
 
 O. Wild. This is mere than you merit , but 
 let your future behaviour teftify your gratitude. 
 
 r. Wild. Papillion ! Madam ! Sir ! 
 
 0. Wild, What is the puppy petrified! Why 
 don't you go up to the lady ? 
 
 Y. Wild. Up to the lady.! That lady ! 
 * O Wild. That lady ! To be lure. What 
 Other lady ? To Mils Godfrey ! 
 
 1. Wild. That lady Mifs Godfrey ! 
 
 O. Wild. What is all this ? Harkye, Sir : I 
 fee what you are at : But no trifling; I'll be no 
 more the dupe of your double detcltable Re- 
 colled*
 
 T H E L Y A R. ; 
 
 collect my laft refolution: this inftant your hand 
 to the contract, or tremble at the confequence. 
 
 Y. Wild. Sir, that I hope is might not I 
 
 to be fure 
 
 O. Wild. No further evafions ! There, Sir. 
 
 T. mid. Heigh ho. [Signs if.] 
 
 O. Wild. Very well. Now, Madam, your 
 name if you pkafe. 
 
 T. Wild. Papillion, do you know who (he is? 
 
 Pap. That's a queftion indeed! Don't you, Sir? 
 
 T. Wild. Not I, as I hope to be fav'd. 
 
 Enter a SERVANT, 
 
 Serv. A young lady begs to fpeak with Mr, 
 Wilding. 
 
 T. Wild. With me ! 
 
 M. God. A young lady with Mr. Wilding ! 
 
 Serv. Seems diftrefs'd, Madam, and extreme- 
 ly prefling for admittance. 
 
 M. Gcd. Indeed! There may be fomething in 
 this ! You muft permit me, Sir, to paufe a little : 
 who knows but a prior claim may prevent 
 
 O. Wild. How, Sir, who is this lady ? 
 
 Y. Wild. It is imponlble for me to divine, Sir, 
 
 O. Wild. You know nothing of her ? 
 
 Y. Wild. How mould I ? 
 
 O. Wild. You hear, Madam. 
 
 M. God., I prefumc your fon can have no ob- 
 jection to rhe lady's appearance. 
 ; Y. mid. Not in the leaft, Madam. 
 
 M. God. Shew her in, John. [Exit. 
 
 O. Wild. No, Madam, I don't think there is 
 the leaft room for fuipefting him ; he can't be 
 
 fo abandon'd as to But ihe is here. Upor^ 
 
 my word a fightly woman.
 
 63 T H E L Y A R. 
 
 Enter KITTY as Mifs Sybthorpe. 
 
 Kitty. Where is he ? Oh, let me throw my 
 arms my life, my 
 
 T. Wild. Heyday ! 
 
 Kitty. And could you leave me ? and for fo 
 long a Ipace ? Think how the tedious time has 
 lagg'd along. 
 
 2. Wild. Madam ! 
 
 Kitty, But we are met at laft, and now will 
 part no more. 
 
 T. Wild. The deuce we won't ! 
 
 Kitty. What, not one kinu look, no tender 
 word to hail our fecond meeting ! 
 
 T. Wild. What the devil is all this ? 
 
 Kitty. Are all your oaths, your protection?, 
 come tu this ? have I deierv'd fuch treatment ? 
 Quitted my father's houfe, left all my friends, 
 and wandcr'd here alone in learch of thee, thou 
 firft, la<t, only object of my love. 
 
 O. mid. To what can all this tend? Harkye, 
 Sir, unriddle this myflery. 
 
 T, Wild. Davus, non QEdipus fum. It is be- 
 yond me, J coniefs. Some lunatic efcap'd from 
 her kerper, I luppofe. 
 
 Kitty. Am I difovvn'd then, contemn'd, 
 flighted ? 
 
 O. Wild. Hold ; let me enquire into this 
 
 matter a little. Pray, Madam You feem to 
 
 be pretty familiar here Do you know this gen- 
 tleman ? 
 
 Kitty. Too well. 
 
 O. Wild. His name ? 
 
 Kitty. Wilding. 
 
 O. Wild. So far (he is right. Now yours, if 
 you pk afe. 
 
 Kitty. Wilding! 
 
 Omnes,
 
 THE LYAR. 69 
 
 Omnes. Wilding. 
 
 O.Wild. And how came you by that name pray ? 
 
 Kitty. Moft lawfully, Sir: By the (acred band, 
 the holy tie that made us one. 
 
 O. Wild. What, marry'd to him ! 
 
 Kitty. Moft true. 
 
 Omties. How ! 
 
 T. Wild. Sir, may J never 
 
 O. Wild. Peace, Monfter ! One queftion 
 more : Your maiden name ? 
 
 Kitty. Sybthorpe. 
 
 O. Wild. Lydia, from Abington, in the county 
 of Berks? 
 
 Kitty. The fame. 
 
 O. Wild. As I fufpefted. $o then the whole 
 ftory is true, and the monfter is marry'd at laft. 
 
 T. Wild. Me, Sir ! By all that's 
 
 O. Wild* Eternal dumbnefs feize thee, mea- 
 furelefs lyar ! 
 
 T. Wild. If not me, hear this gentleman- 
 Marquis 
 
 Pap. Not I ; I'll be drawn into none of your 
 fcrapes : it is a pit of your own digging, and fo 
 get out as well as you can. Mean time I'll 
 Ihift for myfelf. [Exit. 
 
 O. Wild. 'What evafion now, Monfter ? 
 
 M. God. Deceiver ! 
 
 O. Wild. Lyar ! 
 
 M. God. Impofter ! 
 
 T. Wild. Why, this is a general combination 
 to diftract me ; but I will be heard. Sir, you 
 are grofly impos'd upon : the low contriver of 
 this woman's mallow artifice I (hall loon find 
 means to difcover; and as to you, Madam, with 
 whom I have been fuddenly furpriz'd into a con- 
 trad, I moft folemnly declare this is the firft 
 time I ever fat eyes on you. 
 
 0. Wild.
 
 7 o T H E L Y A R. . 
 
 O. Wild. Amazing confidence ! Did not I 
 t>ring her at your own requeft ? 
 
 T.Wild. No. 
 
 M. God. Is not this your own letter ? 
 
 T.Wild. No. 
 
 Kitty. A m not I your wife ? 
 
 Y.Wild. No. 
 
 O. Wild. Did not you own it to me ?. 
 
 T. ^/W. Yes that is no, no. 
 
 Kitty. Hear me. 
 
 T Wild. No. 
 
 A/. GW. Anfwer me. 
 
 Y. Wild. No. 
 
 O. #?;</. Have not I 
 
 T. Wild. No, no, no. Zounds you are all mad, 
 and if I flay I mail catch the infection. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Sir JAMES ELLIOT and Mifs GRANTAM. 
 
 Omnes. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 M. Gr. Finely perform'd. 
 
 O. Wild. You have kept your promife, and I 
 thank you, Madam. 
 
 M. Gr. My medicine was fomewhat rough, 
 Sir ; but in defperate cafes, you know 
 
 O. Wild. If his cure is' compleated, he will 
 gratefully acknowledge the caufc ; if not, the 
 punifhment comes far ftiort of his crimes. It is 
 needlefs to pay you any compliments, Sir James; 
 with that Lady you can't fail to be happy. I 
 fhan't venture to hint a fcheme I have greatly at 
 heart, till we have undeniable proofs of the luc- 
 cefs of our operations. To the ladies, indecd a 
 no character is fo dangerous as that of a lyar. 
 
 They in the faireft fames can fix a flaw, 
 And vanquish females whom they never faw. 
 
 E P I-
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 Between Mife GRANTAM arid OLD WILDING. 
 
 By a Man of Fafliion. 
 
 M. Gr. TJ O L D, Sir. 
 
 ^^ Our plot concluded^ and jlr iR jujllce done y 
 Let me be beard as counfcl for your fan. 
 Acquit I can't, I mean to mitigate : T| 
 
 Profcribe all lying, what would be the fate 
 Of this and every other earthly Jiate ? 3 
 
 Confeder, Sir, if once you cry it down. 
 You'll Jhut up ev'ry coffee-hnufe in town : 
 The tribe of politicians will want food ; 
 Ev'n now half -famijh'' d for the public good. 
 All Grubftreet murderers of men andfenfe. 
 And every office of intelligence, 
 All would be Bankrupts ) the whole lying race, 
 And no Gazette to publijh their difgrace. 
 
 O. \Vild. Too mild a fentence^ mujl the good and 
 
 great "'* 
 Patriots be wronged^ that bookfellers may eat ? 
 
 M.'Gr. Tour patience ', Sir ; yet hear another ward. 
 Turn to that hall where jufiice wields her [word: 
 Think in what narrow limits you would draw t 
 By this Profcriptionj all the Jons of law : 
 for 'tis the fa'd, determined rule of courts^ 
 Vyner will tell you, nay, ev'n Coke's Reports, 
 All pleaders may, when difficulties rife, 
 To ^ain one :n:th, expend a hundred lyes. 
 
 O. Wild. To curb this practice I amfomewhat loath', 
 A lawyer has no credit but an oath 
 
 M. Gr,
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 M. Gr. Then to the fofter fex fame favour Jhew ! 
 Leave no pojjefjion of our mode/I No / 
 
 O. Wild. Oh) freely Ma am me' II that allowaute give, 
 So that two Noes be held affirmative. 
 Provided ever that your pi/h and fie, 
 On all occafions Jhould be deemd a lye. 
 
 M. Gr. Hard terms / 
 On this rejoinder then I rejl my caufe ; 
 Should all pay homage to Truth's Jacred laws, 
 Let us examine what would be the cafe : 
 Why many a great man would be out of place. 
 
 O. Wild. "Twould many a virtuous character re/fore. 
 
 M. Gr. But take a character from many more. 
 
 O. Wild. Tho on the fide of bad the ballancefall, 
 Setter to find few good, than fear for all. 
 
 M. Gr. Strong are your reafom ; yet, ere I fubmit, 
 1 mean to take the voices of the pit. 
 Is it your pleafures that we make a rule 9 ") 
 
 That ev'ry lyar be proclaimed a fool, 
 Fit fubjefts for our author's ridicule ? 3 
 
 F I N I
 
 THE 
 
 ORATOR S. 
 
 As it is now performing at the 
 
 NEW THEATRE 
 
 IN THE 
 
 HAY -MARKET. 
 
 W R I f T t N 
 
 ** > . j 1 <I w 7 
 
 By SAMUEL FOOTE, E fiQi 
 
 is meant than meets the ear. 
 
 IJL PENSEROSO. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for T. L o w N D E s, T. C A s L o N 5 
 
 W. N I c o L L ; and S. B L A D o N. 
 
 MDCCLXXX.
 
 1762. 1767* 
 
 LECTURER, Mr. Foote, Mr. Foote. 
 
 f Mr. Wefton, Mr. Weflon* 
 
 Mr. Af George, Mr. Pynn. 
 
 Mr. ^m, Mr. Quick. 
 
 Mr. Bannijler, Mr.Banni/ler. 
 
 Mr. Williams, Mr. 
 
 P I L & 
 
 Mr. 
 Mr. 
 
 Mr.Loveman. 
 Mr. Gj/?A?. 
 
 Mr. Palmer, Mr. Palmer. 
 Mr. Kickilly Mr. Stratige* 
 Mr. Sowers, Mr. Smith. 
 Mr. Pearce, Mr. Pearce. 
 
 Mr. Keen. 
 
 Mr. Gardiner, 
 
 Mr. Newton. 
 
 Mr.
 
 I 3 ] 
 
 THE 
 
 ORATORS. 
 
 A C T I. SCENE I. 
 
 Enter WILL TIRE HACK and HARRY 
 SCAMPER, booted^ witl^Whifs in their 
 Hands, into a Side-Box* 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 P'SHAW! zounds! prithee, Will, let us 
 go ; what fignifies our flaying here ? 
 
 TIREHACK. 
 
 Nay, but tarry a little ; befides, you know 
 we promis'd to give Poll Baylifs and Bett 
 Skinner the meeting. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 No matter, we (hall be fure to find them 
 at three at the Shakefpeare. 
 
 A 2 TIRE-
 
 4 THE ORATORS. 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 
 But as we are here, Harry, let us know a 
 little what it's about ? 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 About ! Why le&ures, you fool ! Have not 
 you read the bills ? and we have plenty of 
 them at Oxford, you know ! 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 
 Well, but for a~ll that, there may be fun, 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Why then, flay and enjoy it yourfelf; and 
 I'll ftep to the Bull and GatCj and call upon 
 Jerry Lack- Latin, and my horfe. We mall 
 lee you at three. [R'Jitg* 
 
 T I R E H A CK. 
 
 Nay, but, prithee, ftay. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 Rot me if I do. \Gaing out of the Box. 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 
 Halloo, Harry ; Harry 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Well, what's the matter now? [Returning. 
 
 T I RE H A C K. 
 
 Here'sPollBayliisjuft come into thegallery. 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 She is, by 
 
 SCAM-
 
 THE ORATORS. 5 
 
 SCAMPER. [Looting. 
 
 Yes, faith ! it is me, fure enough. How 
 goes it, Poll? 
 
 T 1 R E H A CK. 
 
 Well, now, we fhall have you, I hope.? 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Ay, if I thought we fhould get any fun. 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 
 I'll make an enquiry. Hallo ! fnuffers, 
 {buffers. 
 
 C A N D L E-'S N -UF F E R, 
 
 Your pleafure, Sir? 
 
 T I R E H A CK. 
 
 What is all this bufinefs about here! 
 
 SNUFFER. 
 
 Can't fay, Sir. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Well, but you could tf you would, let us 
 into the fecret, 
 
 SNUFFER. 
 
 Not I, upon my honour ! 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 
 Your honour, you fon of a whore ! D'ye 
 hear, bid your matter come hither, we want 
 to alk him a queftion, 
 
 SNUFFER, 
 
 I will [Exit. 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 
 Scamper, will you afk him, or fhall I ? 
 A3 SCAM-
 
 & THE ORATORS. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Let me alone to him 
 
 Enter F O O T E. 
 
 TIREHACK. 
 
 O! here he is 
 
 f O O T E. 
 
 Your commands with me, gentlemen? 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Why, you muft know Will and I here 
 are upon a fcheme from Oxford; and be- 
 caufe cam begins to run low How much 
 have you, Will ? 
 
 TIREHACK. 
 
 Three and twenty millings, befides the 
 crown I paid at the door. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 And I eighteen ; now, as this will laft us 
 but to night, we are willing to hufband our 
 time ; let us fee, Will, how are we engag'd ? 
 
 TIREHACK. 
 
 Why at three, with Bett and Poll, there, at 
 the Shakefpeare; after that to the Coronation ; 
 for you know we have feen it but nine times 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 And then back to the Shakefpeare again j 
 where we fup, and take horfe at the door. 
 
 TIREHACK. 
 
 So there's no time to be loft, you fee ; we 
 defire, therefore, to know, what lort of a thing 
 fhis affair here of yours is? What, is it 
 jdamn'd funny and comical ? 
 
 F o o T E.
 
 THE ORATORS: 7 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 Have you not feen the bills? 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 What, about the lectures ? ay, but that's all 
 flang, I fuppofe; no, no. No tricks upon tra.- 
 vellers; no, we know better What, are there 
 any more of you ; or do you do it all yourfelf ? 
 
 f F O O T E. 
 
 If I was in want of comedians, you, gentle- 
 men, are kind enough to lend me a lift ; but, 
 upon my word, my intentions, as the bill 
 will inform you, are ferious 
 
 T IREHACK. 
 
 Are they? then Til have my money again. 
 What, do you think we come to London to 
 learn any thing ? Come, WilL [Going. 
 F o o T E. 
 
 Hold, Gentlemen, I would detain you, if 
 poflible. What is it you expect? 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 To be jolly, and laugh, to be fure 
 
 F o o T E. 
 At what ? 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 
 At what damme, I don't know at you, 
 and your frolicks and fancies- 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 If that is all'you delire ; why, perhaps we 
 (han't difappoint you 
 
 A 4 SCAM-
 
 8 THE ORATORS. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Shan't you ? why, that is an honeft fcl* 
 low come, begin 
 
 F o o T E. 
 But you'll be fo kind as not to interrupt me? 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Never fear 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 Ladies and gentlemen 
 [Suds from the oppofite box calls to Fpote, 
 andjlops himfoort. 
 
 SUDS. 
 
 Stop a minute; may I be permitted to 
 fpeak ? 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 Doubtlefs, Sir 
 
 SUDS. 
 
 Why the affair is this : My wife Alice 
 for you mult, know my name is BpbraimSuds, 
 I am a loap-boiler in the city, took it into 
 her head, and nothing would ferve her turn, 
 but that I muft he a common-council man 
 this year ; for, fays Alice, Jays Jhe, It is the 
 onliejt way to rife in the world. 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 A juft obfervaticn you fucceeded? 
 
 SUDS. 
 
 Oh ! there was no danger of that yes, yes, 
 I got it all hollow ; but now to come to the 
 
 marro\y
 
 THE ORATORS. 9 . 
 
 marrow of the bufinefs. Well, Alice, fays I, 
 now I am chofen, what's next to be done ? 
 " Why now, fays Alice, fays /ke, thee muft 
 " learn to make fpeeches ; why doft not fee 
 " what purferment neighbour Grogram has 
 " got ; why man, 'tis all brought about by 
 ** \\\sfpeecbify ing. I tell thee what, Ephraim, 
 ** if thee car/ ft but once learn to lay down 
 the law, there's no knowing to what thee 
 " may 'ft rife. " 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 Your lady had reafon. 
 
 SUDS. 
 
 Why, I thought fo too ; and, as good luck 
 would have it, whofhould come into the city, 
 in the very nick of time, but mafter profeflbr 
 along with his lectures- Adod, away, in a 
 hurry, Alice and I danced to Pewterers- 
 Hall. 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 You improv'd, I hope? 
 
 SUDS. 
 
 O Lud ! It is unknown what knowledge we 
 got ; we can read oh J we never ftop to fpeli 
 a word now and then he told usfuch things 
 about verbs, and nouns, and adverbs, that ne- 
 ver entered our heads before, and emphafis, 
 and accent ; heav'n blefs us, I did not think 
 jhere had been fuch things in the world, 
 FOOT E. 
 
 And have youj^m^/^Vyet? 
 
 s u D.S.
 
 to THE ORATORS. 
 
 SUDS. 
 
 Soft ; foft and fair ; we muft walk before 
 we can run I think I have laid a pretty foun~. 
 dation. The Manfion-houfe was not built in 
 a day, Mafter Foote. But to go on with my 
 tale, my dame one day looking over the pa- 
 pers, came running to me ; Now Ephraim r 
 iays (he, thy bufmefs is done ; rare news, lad ; 
 here is a man at the other end of the town, 
 that will make thee a fpeecher at once, and 
 out (he pullM your propofals. Ah Alice, fays 
 I, thee be'ft but a fool, why I know that man, 
 he is all upon his fun ; he ledure why, 'tis 
 all but a bam Well, 'tis but feeing, fays me, 
 fo, ivolens nolens, me would have me come 
 hither; now if fo be you be ferious, I fhall 
 think my money wifely beflowed; but if it 
 be only your comical works, I can tell you, 
 you (hall lee me no more. 
 
 FOOTE. 
 
 Sir, I fripuld be extremely forry to lofe you ; 
 if I knew but what would content you ? 
 SUDS. 
 
 Why, I want to be made an orator on ; 
 and to fpeak fpeeches, as 1 tell you, at our 
 meetings, about politicks, and peace, and 
 'addreflcs, and the new bridge, and all them 
 kind of things. 
 
 FOOTE. 
 
 Whv, with \our happy talents I mould 
 think n;uch might be done. 
 
 4 SUDS.
 
 THE ORATORS. n 
 
 SUDS. 
 
 I am proud to hear you fay fo. Indeed I 
 am. I didfpeecbify once at aveftry concerning 
 new lettering the church buckets, and came . 
 off cutely enough ; and, to fay the truth, that 
 was the thing that provok'd me to go to Pew- 
 terers-Hall. [Sits down again. 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 Well, Sir, I flatter myfelf, that in propor- 
 tion to the difference of abilities in your two 
 inftruclors, you will here make a tolerable 
 progrefs, "But now, Sir, with your favour, 
 we will proceed to explain the nature of our 
 defign, and I hope, in the procefs, you, gentle- 
 men, will find entertainment, and you, Sir, 
 information. 
 
 Mr. FOOTE then proceeds in bis lefture. 
 
 My plan, gentlemen, is to be confider'd as 
 a fuperftrudhire on that admirable foundation 
 laid by the modern profeflbr of Englifh, both 
 our labours tending to the fame general end; 
 the perfeclioning of our countrymen in a moil 
 effendal article, the right ufe of their native 
 language. 
 
 But what he has happily begun, I have the 
 vanity to think I have as happ ly finifh'd; he 
 has, it is trye, introduced you into the body of 
 the church, but I conducl you into the choir of 
 the cathedral: Or, to explain myfelf by a more 
 familiar allufion, though he is the Poitier who 
 
 teaches
 
 12 THE ORATORS. 
 
 teaches you the ftep and the grounds ; yet I 
 am the Gallini who gives you the air, and the 
 grace of the minuet. 
 
 His aim is propriety alone ; mine propriety 
 with elegance. 
 
 For though reading, fo mamefully neglect- 
 ed, not only by thofe of tender years, but the 
 adult; not only by children, but even by grown 
 men and women ; not only in our private fe- 
 minaries, but in our public univerfities; is al- 
 lowed to be a necefiary ingredient towards the 
 formation of an orator ; yet, a great many 
 other rules, a great many other precepts, are 
 requilitc to obtain his perfection. 
 
 Nay, perhaps we might, to fupport an argu- 
 ment without the danger of a defeat, at lead 
 if we may truft obfervation, that of all the 
 profeflions that require a verbal intercourfe 
 with the public, there is no one to whom 
 reading is of fo little utility as that of oratory. 
 I need not iniift upon this head, as I be- 
 lieve every gentleman's experience will fur- 
 nilh him with inftances of men eminent in 
 oratory, who, from an early vivacity have 
 negledttd, or the indulgence of their parents 
 have been emancipated from the attention and 
 application neceflary, it is true, to acquire 
 this rugged art, but at the fame time fo ill- 
 Uiited to their tender years, and fooppoiite to 
 thofe innocent amufements in which children 
 are known univerfaily to delight. Thwart mt 
 a child, for you Jpril bis temfer, is, or at leafl: 
 
 ought
 
 THE' ORATORS. 13 
 
 ought to be, an Englim proverb, as it is an 
 univerfal practice. 
 
 I would not here be underftood to depre- 
 ciate the ufefulnefs of reading, or to detract 
 from the exceeding merit of the profeflbr's 
 plan; no, my meaning is only juft to drop 
 a hint that I may occafionally ufe him as a 
 walking-ftick ; a kind of an elegantly clouded 
 Mocoa, or an airy Anamaboo ; yet, that it is 
 by no means my intention to depend upon 
 him as afupport, or lean upon him as a crutch; 
 in a word, he will be rather ornamental than 
 necefiary to me. 
 
 But ufelefs as his plan is to me, I nncerely 
 wifh it fuccefs for the fake of the public ; and 
 if my influence was equal to my inclination, 
 I would have a law enacted, upon the plan of 
 the militia bill, that annually, or biennially, 
 draughts fhould be made from every parifh of 
 two, three, or more, as in that at of able- 
 bodied, fo in this of intelligent perfons, who, 
 at the expence of the ieveral counties, (hould 
 be fent to the capital, and there compelled to 
 go through as many courfes of the profefTor's 
 lectures as he mall deem fufficient: thus, by 
 thofe periodical rural detachments, the whole 
 nation will, in a few years, be completely 
 ferved, and a flock of learning laid in, that 
 will laft till time mail be no more. 
 
 Would our rulers but adopt this fcheme ! 
 how fuperior would England be even to the 
 mod illuftrious periods of Greece and Rom ! 
 
 what
 
 14 THE ORATORS. 
 
 what an imrivalM happinefs for us, what an 
 eternal fund of fame for them ! Ye Solons, ye 
 Lycurgus's, yeNuma's, hide your diminifhM 
 heads ; fee what a revolution two laws in a few 
 years have produc'd ; fee a whole people, funk 
 in more than Gothic ignorance, accuftom'd 
 to no other iron implements than the pacific 
 plough-fliare, or the harmlefs fpade, ftart out 
 at once profound fcholars and veteran foldiers : 
 If at this happy period, a Frenchman, think- 
 ing any thing out of his own country worthy 
 his attention, fhould condefcend to pay this 
 kingdom a vifit ; methinks, I anticipate the 
 account he will give of us at his return, (like 
 his countryman of old, who, at the taking of 
 Rome, burfting into the capitol, and there 
 finding the fenate fix'd and immoveable in 
 their feats, declar'd them an aflembly of 
 kings,) lo will he at once pronounce the 
 whole Britim nation to be an army of gene- 
 rals, and one congregation of doctors. Happy 
 country! where the Arma & Toga are fo for- 
 tunately blended, as to prevent all contention 
 for the pre-eminence. 
 
 I know but one objection that can be made 
 to this plan, and that merely a temporary one; 
 that the culture of our lands will fuftain an 
 infinite injury, if fuch a number of peafants 
 were to dcparochiate, there being already 
 fcarce hands fufficicnt, from the recruits con- 
 ftantly made for Germany, &c. &c. &c. to 
 carry on the common bulineis of hulbandry. 
 
 But
 
 THE ORATORS. 15 
 
 But what are riches, perifhable commo- 
 dities, glittering, tranfitory, fallacious goods, 
 when compared to thefubftantial, incorruptible 
 endowments of the mind I this truth is, indeed, 
 happily inculcated by an old Englilh adage ; 
 
 ' When lands and goods are gone and Ipent, 
 " Then learning is moft excellent. '* 
 
 This fenfible and poetical diftich, I would 
 recommend to Mr. Profeffor, as a rr.otto for 
 his intended treatife ; but I fuppofe he is al- 
 ready well provided with an apt Latin, if not 
 a Greek one, to either of which I muft yield 
 the preference. 
 
 But to waive this ethical argument; I think 
 I can eafily foil the force of this objection, by 
 a natural and obvious Succedaneum. Suppofe a 
 claufe was to be added to the bill for the im- 
 portation of tallow, raw hides, and live cattle 
 from Ireland, that, during this literary emigra- 
 tion, a fufficient number of inhabitants of that 
 country may be tranfported hither to fupply 
 the vacancy: but here it muft be obferv'd, 
 that for this purpofe an ad of parliament is 
 indifpenfably neceflary; for though it would 
 be difficult, if not impoffible, for us, it? our 
 prefent condition, to get in even our harvefts,, 
 without the aid of hands annually exported for 
 that purpofe from Ireland ; yet this is at heft 
 but an illicit trade, and the men themielves 
 are to be confidered under the article of 
 fmuggled goods: a very heavy penalty being 
 
 laid
 
 16 THE ORATORS. 
 
 laid by ftatute on all matters of veflels, who 
 fhall venture to import any of the above- 
 cited commodity into this realm, without 
 fpecial licence ; to this purpofe I recoiled a 
 cafe in point, the fifth of William and Mary, 
 Ban. Reg. The King contra Oflaarty. Vide 
 V. Rep. vol. iii. chap. 9. page 4. 
 
 But if this Ihould be thought by the people 
 in power too great an indulgence to the Iriih, 
 as we have never been remarkably profule m 
 our favours to our loyal and affectionate lifter ; 
 I fee no other method of redreifing the ima- 
 ginary evil, than by exempting from this 
 lervice all the males till a general peace, and 
 accepting-, in their room, a fuitable number 
 of difcreet middle-aged females; and thefe, 
 when they have been properly perfected in 
 the myfteries of our language, may be re- 
 turn'd to their feveral parilhes, and there 
 form little infantine communities of literati, 
 which will be a flock for the fucceeding 
 generation j and, indeed, upon coniideration, 
 1 don't know whether this won't prove the 
 heft method for the introduction and univer- 
 ial propagation of the plan. 
 
 For the Euglifh common people, naturally 
 fullen and obftmate, and religioufly attach'd to 
 their old cuftoms, might be mock'd and fcan- 
 daliz'd to fee, at one bold ftroke, the felcues 
 and fafces, which have been, from time im- 
 memorial, confign'd to one, or more matron 
 iii every village, raviuYd at once from their 
 
 hands,
 
 THE ORATORS. 17 
 
 hands, and delivered over to the adminiftra- 
 tion of the oppofite fex. 
 
 But to return to my own fubjeft, from which 
 my zeal for Mr. Profeflbr's iuccefs has tempt- 
 ed me to make rather too long a digreffion. 
 
 When I ventured to affirm that the profef- 
 fion of an Orator might exift independently" 
 of an accurate knowledge of the arrangement, 
 and different combinations of the four and 
 twenty letter?, fo far as (In the words of the 
 ProfeJforJ they relate to their being the arbi- 
 trary marks of meaning upon paper ; yet, I 
 would not be underftood to afrert this gene- 
 rally, as to every fpecies of oratory, but to 
 confine myfelf to thofe particular branches 
 only, where the orator's own mind fuggefts 
 the matter that l\is own mouth difcharges : 
 Forinftance, now, as when affairs of ftate are 
 weigh'd at acommon-council, religious points 
 militated at the Robin-Hood, the arts and 
 fciences handled in the Strand, or politicks 
 debated near Weftminfter-abbey ; here the 
 arguments and words given are fuppofed to 
 arife from the immediate impulfe of the giver; 
 but where they are concurrent agents, as in 
 the oratory peculiar to the pulpit and the 
 ftage, where one individual furnimes the 
 matter, and another adminifters the manner, 
 the cafe is widely different. 
 
 In the firft inftance, a tolerable proficiency 
 
 in reading is indifpenfably requifite, as fcarce 
 
 any memory but the late Mr. Heydegger's 
 
 B could
 
 i8 THE ORATORS, 
 
 could retain, to any degree of certainty, the 
 various parts of the Liturgy, the Old ami 
 New Tettament, briefs, faculties, excommu- 
 nications, &c. &c. &c. and a lapfe on thofe 
 folemti occalions might be attended with very 
 aukvvard circumdances ; nor would I here be 
 fupfofcd to infinuate, that the pieces of orar 
 tory delivered from the pulpit are np.t the 
 competition of the deliverer; no-r This is fa 
 far tram being generally the cafe, that I have 
 often heard complaints made againil parti- 
 cular agents, that they have forc'd upon their 
 congregations their own crude and infipid 
 productions, when, at the fame time, their na- 
 tive language would furnifh them with lo ex- 
 tenfive and noble a collecYion of admirable 
 materials. But here the auditor, unlefs he be 
 well read in theology, may be led into a mif- 
 take ; for there are fome men, who, by a par- 
 ticular happinefs in their manner* have the ac|- 
 drefs to make the works of other men lo abfo- 
 lutely their own, that there is no diitinguim- 
 ing the difference ; at this the pott hints in his 
 male Jum rccitas, &c. For thefe various rea- 
 fons, 1 think a warm application to the ait 
 of reading cannot be too O.rpngly recommend- 
 ed to the proFtlfors of this kind of oratory. 
 
 With regard to the profelfprs of the ftage, 
 tho* reading is undoubtedly uleful, yet, as the 
 performer is to repeat, and not to read, the 
 deficiency may be lupply'd by the introduction 
 of a third agent, viz. a pcrfoq to read to him till 
 
 the
 
 THE ORATORS. 19 
 
 the words are rooted in his memory. This ex* 
 pedient, tho* tedious, I haveknowu frequently 
 pra&isM with goodfuccefs: little blunders will 
 now and then unavoidably ariie, either from 
 the mifappreheniion of the fecond agent, or 
 the ignorance or waggery of the third ; but 
 thefe (lips are generally unobferved, or, thro* 
 inattention or indulgence, overlooked by an 
 audience. But to return to the consideration 
 of my own plan, from which no temptation 
 lhall, for the future, fecluce me to digrefs, 
 
 We will firft, then, confider the utility of 
 Oratory, 
 
 Secondly, the djftincl and various kinds, or 
 fpecies, of that icience, as they are practised at 
 this day in this kingdom. 
 
 Thirdly, we will demonftrate, that every 
 branch of Englim oratory is peculiarly our 
 own, owes its rife, progrefs, and perfection 
 to this country, and was not only unknown 
 to the ancients, but is entirely repugnant to 
 all thole principles they have endeavour'd to 
 eftablim. 
 
 Fourthly, that any rhetorical fyflem now 
 exifting, inftead of a crofs in the hands, with 
 letters to direct you on your road, will prove 
 only but a Will in the Wifp, to confound, 
 perplex, and bewilder you. 
 
 Fifthly, from hence willrefult a neceffity, 
 for the immediate eftabliihment of an aca- 
 demy, for the promulgation and inculcation 
 O.f modern oratory, 
 
 B * To
 
 20 THE ORATORS. 
 
 To which academy, the author of thefe 
 propofals does hope, fixthly, that he ihall be 
 appointed perpetual profe'flbr. 
 
 Perhaps it may not be impertinent here to 
 obferve, that the author has induftrioufly 
 avoided, and will, in the courle of this 
 tre.-.tife, avoid all poetical dilution, all gran- 
 deur of expreffion, all fplendor of diction; in 
 (hort, renounce every rhetorical prop, as 
 knowing that, on didactic fubjects, order, 
 fimplicity, and perfpicuity, are the means to 
 ; gain his end, which is not to gratify the 
 imagination, but to improve and polifh the 
 \inderitaiiding of my countrymen. 
 
 Firft, then, we are to demonstrate the uti- 
 lity of oratory : and, this, we flatter ourfelves, 
 will, in a great meafure, be evident from the 
 confideration of its univerfality, and the di- 
 {linclions it procures, both lucrative and ho- 
 nourable, to any man eminent in the art. 
 
 There is, by the conftitution of this king- 
 dom, an aflcmblv of many individuals, who, 
 as the feventh ion of a feventh fon is born 
 a phyfician, are orators by hereditary right ; 
 that is, by birth they are enabled togive their 
 opinions and fentimentson all fubje&s, where 
 the intereft of their country is concerned: To 
 this we are to add another aflembly, confift- 
 ingof 558 individuals, where, tho* the fame 
 privilege is enjoy 'd as in the firft inftancv, 
 'yet this advantage is not poflclsM in virtue of 
 any inherent natural right, but is obtained in 
 
 con-
 
 THE ORATORS. ^l 
 
 confequence of an annual, triennial, or fep- 
 tennial deputation from the whole body of 
 the people ; if then we add to this lift the 
 number of all thofe candidates who are am- 
 bitious of this honour, with the infinite va- 
 riety of changes that a revolution of twenty 
 years will produce, we cannot eftimate thofe 
 funds of national orators in effe t pqffe, and 
 velie, to a fmaller quantity than 20,000; and 
 this, I believe, by thedifciples of Demoivre, 
 will bethought a very moderate computation. 
 
 The two orders of the long robe next de- 
 mand our attention; and as the pre-eminence 
 is unquestionably due to the priefthood, let us 
 confider what number of perfons is neceflary 
 to fupply that fervice ? England is divided 
 into nine thoufand nine hundred and thirteen 
 parishes: now, if we fuppofe two pallors for 
 every parim, this learned body will be found 
 to confift of nineteen thoufand eight hundred 
 and twenty-iix individuals; but as the mod 
 facred characters are no more exempted from 
 that fatal ftroke that puts a temporary period 
 to our existence, than the prophane, it is ne- 
 ceflkry that a provifion mould be made of fit 
 and able perfons ; fo that at all events there be 
 no lack of labourers in this plentiful vineyard: 
 nor has the policy of this nation been fo blinded 
 as not to guard againft this poffible contin- 
 gency, by eredinglchools,feminaries, and uni- 
 verfities, in which a convenient quantity of 
 our youth are properly trained, in order to fill 
 B 3 up
 
 as THE O R A T 6 H S. 
 
 up chafms which may be occafionally macld 
 by the infatiabie fey the of death. If then we 
 eft i mate this corps de referve at the half only 
 of the (landing force, we mall find the army 
 entire amount to 29,739. 
 
 I forfee that an objection will be made 
 to this calculation, viz. That t\Vo pnftors 
 to every parilh is a moft exorbitant and im- 
 probable charge; for that many parishes, 
 from irnpropriations, appropriation?, and 
 other accidents, inftead of two, are feared 
 able to fupport one paftor ; and that this 
 complaint is almoft general throughout the 
 whole principality of Wales, where many 
 individuals of this refpeclable order, to the 
 great damage of their dignity, are obliged to 
 have reccurie to very unclerical profeflions 
 for the fupport of themfelves and families* 
 
 This objection we will allow its full force ; 
 but then if it be confider'd that in our origi- 
 nal estimate we omitted all deans, canons, 
 prebends, heads and fellows of colleges, chap- 
 lains to fhips, regiments, and private fami- 
 lies, together with the whole body of dif- 
 fenting minifters of all denominations, field- 
 preachers, and parifh-clerks, I btlieve we 
 ihall be thought rather to have diminilhcd 
 than exaggerated the real quantity. 
 
 As 1 have not been able to get admittance 
 to the archives of the ieveral inns of court in 
 this metropolis, I am afraid we (hall not be 
 able to determine, with the fame degree of cer 
 
 tainty,
 
 THE ORATORS. 23 
 
 tainry, the exact number of thofe who have 
 devoted their lives and labours to the expla- 
 nation and due execution of our municipal 
 laws: I am, therefore, oblig'd to depend on 
 circumftahtial evidence, which, in fome 
 Cafes, is admitted, even in our courts^ to have 
 equal force with proof pofitive. 
 
 And here the reafon of the law (as the law 
 is the perfection of reafon) is extremely clean 
 To illuftrate this by an inftance; 
 
 A fwears a robbery againfl B ; A may 
 lyej or at leaft be miftaken; but if the goods 
 ftolen from A, and previoufly defcribed by 
 him, are found^ with their mark* in the pol- 
 Jeffion of B 9 B not being able to account for 
 fuch pofletfion, that circumftance (hall be 
 deemM of at leaft equal weight again ft 5, as 
 if A was to fweaf pofitively ro the perfonal 
 identity of B. This being the praclice of the 
 courts, we (hall proceed, with all poffib'e expe- 
 dition (which, indeed, is not the praclice of the 
 courts)* to produce our proofs circtimftantiaK 
 As in the former inftance we have grounded 
 our calculation on the number of parifhes^ we 
 (hall in this derive our computation from the 
 number of houfes in the kingdorru 
 
 To any man tolerably acquainted \Vith the 
 country of England^ it is utineCeHary to ob- 
 itrvej that not only in eVerV town, but almoft 
 in every hamlet through which he travels, his 
 tyes are conftantly caught by the appearance 
 wf a fmart houk, prefaced with white rails, and 
 B 4 prologu'd
 
 24 THE ORATORS. 
 
 prologu'd by a red door, with a brafs knocker; 
 when you deiire to be acquainted with the 
 name and quality of the owner of this man- 
 fion, you are always told that it belongs to 
 lawyer fuch a one : now, if a hamlet contain- 
 ing thirty houfes, with perhaps an environ of 
 an equal number, where labour and the fruits 
 of the earth are the only fources of wealth, 
 can fupport one attorney iii this rural magnifi- 
 cence; what an infinite number of lawyers 
 can a commercial capital fufhiin? Rut Uccaufe 
 I would rather retrench than exceed, 1 will 
 only quarter one attorney upon fifty houfes. 
 The number of houfes in the reign 01 George 
 the Firft (fince which time the quantity is 
 coniiderably eacreas'd,) was computed at 
 1,175,951. The number of attorneys then 
 will be 23,518; and, if we reckon one barrifter 
 to twenty attorneys, the fum total is 24,093. 
 I know it will be he re objected, that but one 
 fmall part of this numerous body can be be- 
 nefited by my plan, the privilege of fptaking 
 publickly being permitted to the iuperior or- 
 der, the barrilters alone: but this cn-ticilm is 
 confined to the oblervation of what pafles 
 merely in Weftminfter-hall, without con- 
 iidering that, at every quarter and petty feilioa 
 at all county-courts, courts-leet, courts-ba- 
 ron, &c. &c. &c. full power of pleading is 
 permitrcd to every practitioner of the law. 
 
 As the number of thole who incorporate 
 themfelves to promote, not only with their 
 
 caft
 
 THE ORATORS. 25 
 
 cam but their counfel, the progrefs of the arts 
 and fciences, is unlimited, it will be impoffible 
 for any fix'd period to afcertain their quantity: 
 nor can we, with any certainty, as the Court- 
 Regifter has been filent to the members of 
 common-council, determine the amount of 
 the city orators ; befides, as what has been 
 already offered is more than fufflcient to prove 
 the utility of our fcheme from its universality, 
 \ve (hall not trouble our readers nor ourfelves 
 with any further calculations ; for tho' they 
 are replete with great depth of knowledge, 
 are the refult of iutenfe application, and the 
 vehicles of mathematical truths, yet to the 
 million the difquifkion is but dry and tedious, 
 andourpurpofe always was, and is, to mix with 
 our inftrudtion a proper portion of delectation. 
 We will, therefore, forthefe reafons, haften 
 to the consideration of the iecond point pro- 
 pos'd, viz. An enquiry into the various kinds 
 of oratory now exifting in this country. And 
 we (hall not, on this occalion, trouble our- 
 felves with the inveftigation of all the ftTialler 
 branches of this art j but, like the profeflbrs in 
 anatomy, contenting ourfelves with the diflec- 
 tion of the noble parts, remit the examination 
 of the ignoble ones to the care of fubaltern 
 artifts. Leaving, then, to the minute philo- 
 fophers. of the age all the orators of verifies, 
 clubs, and coffee-houfes, Paulo majora cana- 
 mus ; and for the better illuftration of this 
 head, permit me, reader, to be a little fanci- 
 ful.
 
 6 THE ORATOkS. 
 
 ful. We will fuppofe oratory to be one large 
 tree, of which tree fcience is the radix ; elo* 
 quence the trunk ; from which trunk fprout 
 four diftincl: ramifications ; from which rami- 
 fications depends a fruit peculiar to each. But 
 to make this clearer, we will prefent thee with 
 the tree itfelf,not enigmatically hieroglyphied, 
 but plainly and palpably pourcray'd. 
 
 But here, reader, let me not arrogate to my* 
 fe'f the merit of this happy explication; I ovn 
 the hint was firft given me with my Grammar. 
 
 The
 
 THE ORATORS; 2 ? 
 
 The ingenious, profound Lilly, after he has 
 led his pupils through the various, and almoft 
 impervious provinces of nouns, pronouns^ 
 verbs, participles, and adverbs, condu&s them 
 td the foot of that arduous and ftupendous 
 mountain fui ' Mibi : here, dreading left his 
 youthful ardour might bedamp'd with the (teep 
 aicent, he reanimates hisllacken'd nerves with 
 the myftic picture of an apple-tree, the accefs 
 to whofe bough^ though tedious and difficult, 
 will yet be amply rewarded by leave to revel 
 uncontroul'd through the whole region of pe- 
 pins. May the lufcious fruit iprouting from 
 the apex of each of my ramifications prove 
 an equal fpur to every beardlefs orator! 
 
 I don't know whether the mentioning ano- 
 ther order of orators, as they are not at prelent 
 exifting in this kingdom, may not be deemed 
 an impropriety. But as I am a fincere lover of 
 my country, I can't help recommending an 
 immediate importation of ibme of thofe uleful 
 and able artifts. Sir William Temple^ in his 
 Eflay on Poetry, has recorded their virtues ; 
 and as the race was not extinguished in his 
 time, it is to be hoped that it ftill remains* 
 
 In Ireland, fays Sir William, the great men 
 of their fcept?, amongft many officers of their 
 family, had not only a phyfician, a huntlinan, 
 a fmith, and fuch like, but a poet and tale- 
 teller. 
 
 The firft recorded and fung the actions of 
 their anceftors, and entertained the company 
 
 at
 
 2 fr THE ORATORS. 
 
 at feafts ; the latter amufed them with tales, 
 when they were melancholy and could not 
 ileep : and a very gallant gentleman has told 
 me, of his own experience, that in his wolf- 
 hunting there, when he us'd to be abroad in 
 the mountains three or four days together, and 
 Jay very ill at nights, fo as he could not well 
 ileep, they would bring one of thofe tale- 
 tellers, that when he lay down would begin 
 a ftory of a kin, or a giant, a dwarf and a 
 damfel, and continue ail night long in fuch an 
 even tone that you heard him going on when- 
 ever you awakened ; and he belie vM nothing 
 any phyficians could give had fo good and fo 
 innocent an effect to make men ileep in any 
 pains or diftempers of body or mind. Thefe 
 are Sir William 7'empie's words, which con- 
 tain an amazing iurtance of the power of thole 
 orators over the pailkms, it requiring full as 
 much art and addrefs to affuage and quell, as 
 to blowup, and excite, a tumult in the mind. 
 In a bill not long fince depending in parlia- 
 ment, loi the better regulating the city-watch, 
 a claufe was recommended, by a late refpecta- 
 b'e magiilrate, that, to prevent the watchmen 
 from ileeping at nights on bulks (the fource of 
 many dilorders) the faid watchmen mould be 
 compelled to deep iix hours in the day ; an 
 arch member fecondecl the motion, and begg'd 
 to be included in this claufe ; for that being 
 grievoufly afflicted with the gout, he could 
 not for many days deep a finale wink; now 
 
 if
 
 THE ORATORS. 29 
 
 if he could be compelled to take a fix hours 
 fleep every day, he apprehended that his fits 
 would be of a much morter duration. Upon 
 this dry comment, the motion was rafhly re- 
 jected; but if the houfe had received the lead 
 intimation of -the aftoniihing abilities of the 
 Rockers, (for by that appellation 1 choofe to 
 diftinguifti this order of orators,) I am con- 
 vinced that the above claufe would not only 
 -have been receiv'd, but that proper encourage- 
 ment would have been given, by parliament, 
 for the introduction and eitablifliment of this 
 ufeful oratorical feet. 
 
 Nor, indeed, considering the vaft addition 
 to our cu (ternary cares, from the unaccount- 
 able fluctuation of our funds, the caufe of con- 
 cern to many thoufand individuals, do I think 
 a vifit from a convenient quantity of thole 
 artifts would be now out of ieafon ; but how 
 this honour is to be obtained, whether any of 
 thtfe great men are now refiding amongit us, 
 under the difguife of chairmen and hackney 
 coachmen; or whether it would not be more 
 advifeable to employ thoie gentlemen who 
 have fo lately and fuccefb fully rummaged the 
 Highlands of Scotland and Ireland for the 
 remains of Runic poetry in fearch of the 
 ableft profeilbrs; is iubmitted to the Society 
 for the Encouragement of Arts? 
 
 I am aware that, on this occafion, feme 
 
 arch wag, poffefsM of the fame ipirit with the 
 
 above ienator, will object to my fcheme of 
 
 / impor-
 
 30 THE ORATORS. 
 
 importation, by alledging, that we have of our 
 own growth an ample provifion of rockers, 
 and refer us for proof to our feveral churches 
 and chapels, during the hours of eleven and 
 two on a Sunday, where the fleep-compelling 
 power will he experimentally demonflrated 
 to exift in its full force amongft u^ ; but not 
 to derogate from the abilities of my country*- 
 men, furcly the fhortnefs of the time, the 
 caulc of the nap rarely continuing above fif- 
 teen or fifteen minire?, will not admit of a 
 proper experiment : belides, how can one 
 orator lupply a whole punfh, unlefs, indeed, 
 our churches were to be converted into dor- 
 mitories, which I can't think will happen, 
 as this would be attended with inconvenient 
 cies too obvious to need a recital. 
 
 Abllracled from this laft order, the Englifli 
 orators are to be divided into four diiVmct 
 clafies, the pulpit, the lenate, the bar, and the 
 itage ; with the fidt of thefe branches, the 
 pulpit, I (han't interfere, and, indeed, fo few 
 people now of confequuice and confutation 
 Jrequent the churches, that the art is fcarce 
 worth cultivation. The bar 
 
 SCAMPER, 
 
 Pfhaw! there's enough of this dull profing; 
 Come, give us a little of fomething that's 
 funny; you talk'd about pupils. Could not 
 we ice them I 
 
 T o o T E
 
 THE ORATORS. 31 
 
 F O O T E, 
 
 Rather too precipitate, Sir; but however, in 
 fome meaiure to fatisfy you, and demonftrate 
 the fucceis of our fcheme ; give me leave to 
 introduce to you a molt extraordinary inftance, 
 in the perfon of a young Highlander. It is not 
 altogether a year tince this aftoniuYmg fubje& 
 fpoke nothing but Erfe. Encourag'd by the 
 prodigies of my brother profefTor's ikill, whofe 
 tame, like the Chevalier Taylor's, pierces the 
 remote ft regions, his relations were tempted to 
 fend this young genius to Edinburgh; where 
 he went through a regular courfe of the pro- 
 feflbrs lectures, to fmifh his ftudies ; he has 
 been about fix weeks under my care, and, 
 coniidering the time, I think you will be 
 amazed at his progreis. Donald 
 
 Enter DONALD. 
 What's yer wull, Sir? 
 
 FOOT E, 
 
 Will you give thefe ladies and gentlemen 
 a proof of your ikill? 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 Ah, ye wad ha' a fpecimen of my oratorical 
 art. 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 }f you pleafe. 
 
 DONALD, 
 
 In gudc troth pn ye fal ; wol ye gi' me a 
 
 Q O T E,
 
 32 THE ORATORS. 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 O! chufe for yourfelf. 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 Its aw one to Donald. 
 
 F o o T E. 
 
 What think you of a fhort panegyrick on 
 the fcience we are treating of? 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 On oratory ; wi' aw my heart. 
 
 F o o T E. 
 
 Mind your a&ion ; let that accompany your 
 words 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 Dunna heed, man The topic I prefum to 
 haundle, is the miraculous gifts of an orator, 
 wha, by the bare power of his words, he leads 
 men, women, and bairns as he lifts 
 
 s c A M P k R. 
 And who ? 
 
 DONALD. [Tart/y. 
 
 Men, women, and bairns. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 Bairns ; who are they ? 
 
 F o o T E. 
 
 Oh ! children his meaning is obvious 
 enough. 
 
 I DONALD.
 
 THE ORATORS. 33 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 - y, ay ; men, women, and bairns, where- 
 ever he lifts ; and firft for the antiquity of 
 the art Ken ye, my lads, wha was the firft 
 orator? Mayhap, ye think it was Tully the 
 Latinift ; ye are wide o'the mark ; or Demo- 
 fthenes the Greek ? In gude troth, ye're as far 
 off as before Wha was it, then ? It was e'en 
 that arch-chiel, the Deevil himfel 
 
 SCAMPER. \Haftily. 
 
 The devil it was ; how do you prove that ? 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 Guds zounds, mon, ye brake the thrid of 
 my harang ; an ye'll but ha'd yer tongue, Tie 
 |>rove it as plain as a pike-ftaff. 
 
 T I R EH ACK. 
 
 Be quiet, Will, and'let him go on. 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 I fay it was that arch-chiel, the Deevil 
 himfel. Ye ken weel, my lads, how Adam 
 and Eve were planted in Eden, wi plenty o* 
 bannocks and cail, and aw that they wimed, 
 but were prohibited the eating of pepins 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Apples 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 Weel, weel, and are na pepins and apples 
 aw the fame thing ? 
 
 C F O O T E.
 
 34. THE ORATORS. 
 
 FOOT E. 
 
 Nay, pray, Gentlemen, hear him out. 
 Go on with your pepins <- 
 
 DONALD, 
 
 Prohibited the eating of pepins; upon 
 which what does me the orator Satan, but 
 he vvhifpers a fa ft- ipeech in her lug ; egad 
 our grannum fell to in an infbnt, and eat a 
 pepin without ftaying to pare \\.(Addre]Jes 
 himfelf to the Oxonians. J Ken ye lads, wha 
 was the firfl orator, now? 
 
 T i R E H A c K, ,to Scamper. 
 What fay you to that ? 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 By my foul, the fellow's right 
 
 P O N A L D. 
 
 Ay, but ye wan'na ha' patience ye vvan'na 
 ha' patience, lads- 
 
 T I R E II A C K. 
 
 Hold your jaw, and go on 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 Now, we come to the difinition of an ora- 
 tor ; and it is from the Latin words oro, orarf, 
 tointreaf, orperiwad; and how, by the means 
 o r elocution, Of argument, which argument 
 coniifts 0* letters, which letters join'd mak 
 fyllables, which lyllables compounded mak 
 
 words,
 
 THE ORATORS. 35 
 
 words, which words combined mak fentences, 
 or periods, or which aw together mak an 
 orator, lo the firft gift of an orator is words 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Here, Donald, you are out. 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 How fo? 
 
 SNUFFER. 
 
 Words, the firft gift of an orator ! No, Do*- 
 nald, no, at fchool I learned better than that: 
 Do'ft not remember, Will, what is the firft 
 perfection of.an orator? action. The fecond, 
 action. The third, action. 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 
 Right, right, Harry, as right as my nail ; 
 there, Donald, I think he has given you a 
 dofe 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 An ye flay me, i' the midfr. o' my argu- 
 ment 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 Why don't you flick to truth? 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 I tell ye, I can logically. 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 
 Damn your logick-n- 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 . Mighty weel Maifter Foote, how ca' ye 
 this uiage? 
 
 C 2 F O f g.
 
 36 THE ORATORS. 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 Oh, never mind them proceed, 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 In gude troth, I'fe nat fay ane ward mare. 
 
 F o o T E. 
 Finim, fmifh, Donald. 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 Ah! they have jumbled aw my ideas toge- 
 ther; but an they will enter into a fair argu- 
 mentation, Tie convince 'em that Donald 
 Macgregor is mare than a match. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 You be 
 
 DONALD. 
 
 Very weel 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 Nay, but my dear Donald 
 
 Hands aff, Maifter Foote I ha' fmifh'd my 
 tale, the De'el a word mare fal ye get out o' 
 Donald yer fervant, Sir. (Exit. 
 
 FOOTE. 
 
 You fee, gentlemen, what your impatience 
 has loft us. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Rot him, let him go ; but is this fellow 
 one of your pupils? why, what a damnable 
 twang he has got, with his men, women, 
 and bairns! 
 
 FOOTE,
 
 THE ORATORS. 37 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 His pronunciation is, I own, a little irre- 
 gular ; but then confider he is but merely a 
 novice ; why, even in his prefent condition, 
 he makes no bad figure for his five minutes 
 at the Robin-Hood ; and in a month or two, 
 we (han't be amam'd ttrftart him in a more 
 refpeftable place. 
 
 But now, gentlemen, we are to defcend to 
 the peculiar eflential qualities of each diftinct 
 fpecies of oratory ; and firft for the bar but 
 as no didaftic rules can fo well convey, or 
 words make a proper impreffion, we will 
 have recourfe to more palpable means, and 
 endeavour, by a lively imitation, to demon- 
 ftrate the extent of our art. We muft, for 
 this end, employ the aid of our pupils ; but 
 as fome preparation is neceflary, we hope 
 you will indulge us in a fhort interruption. 
 
 End of the FIRST ACT. 
 
 C 3 ACT
 
 $8 THE O R A T O & S, 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE, A Hall of Juftice. 
 
 Enter F o o T E. 
 
 THE firft fpecies of Oratory we are to de* 
 raouftrate our ikill in, is that of the bar ; 
 atui, in order to give our ledture an air of rea- 
 lity, you are to luppofe this a court of juftice, 
 furniuYd with proper minifters to discharge 
 the neceiTary funcYion?. But, to fupply theie 
 gentlemen with bufmefs, we mult hkevvife 
 jnftitue an imaginary caufe ; and, tliat the 
 whole may be ideal, let it be the profecution 
 of an imaginary being; 1 mean the phantom 
 of Cock-lane, a phenomenon that has much 
 puzzled the brain?, and terrify 'd the minds, of 
 many of our fellow-lubje&s. 
 
 You are to confider, ladies and gentlemen, 
 that the language of the bar is a fpecies of 
 oratory difliudt from every other* It has been 
 obferv*d, that the ornaments of this profeffiGii 
 have not (hone with equal luitre in an aflem- 
 bly near their own hall; the reafon ailign'd, 
 though a pleafant, is not the true one. It has 
 been hinted, that thefe gentlemen were in 
 want of their briefs; but was that the diieafe, 
 the remedy would be eafy enough : they need 
 only have recourie to the artifice fuccefsfully 
 
 praclis'd
 
 THE O R A T O fc S. 39 
 
 pradYis'd by fome of their colleagues; inftead 
 of having their briefs in their hands, to hide 
 them at the bottom of their hats. 
 [Calls to bis pupils i who enter drefsd as a jujiicet 
 a clerk) a ferjeant at Jaw, and a counfellor.] 
 
 You wi-11 remember, Gentlemen, your pro- 
 per paufes, repetitions, hums, ha's, and inter- 
 jections : now feat yourfelves, and you the 
 counfel remember to be mighty dull, and you 
 the juflice to fall afleep. I muft prepare to 
 appear in this caufe as a witnefs. [Exit. 
 
 JUSTICE* 
 Clerk, read the indictment. 
 
 CLERK Reads* 
 Middkfex, to wit. 
 
 Fanny Phantom^ you are indicted, That On, 
 or before the firft day of January, 1762, you 
 the faid Fanny did, in a certain houfe, in a 
 certain ftreet, call'd Cock-lane, in the county 
 of Mtddlefex, malicioufly, treacheroufly, 
 wickedly, and wilfully, by certain thumpings, 
 knockings, fcratchings, and flutterings againfl 
 doors, walls, wainfcots, bedfteds, and bed- 
 ports^ diilurb, annoy, aflault, and terrify 
 divers innocent, inoffenfive, harmlefs, quiet, 
 fimple people, refiding in, at, near or about 
 the faid Cock-lane, and elfewhere, in the faid 
 county of Middlefex, to the great prejudice of 
 faid people in faid county. How fay you, 
 guilty, or 
 
 C 4, c o u N-
 
 49 THE ORATORS. 
 
 COUNSELLOR Jlops the Clerk Jhort. 
 May it pleafe your worfhip hem I am 
 council in this caufe for the ghoft hem- 
 and before I can permit her to plead, I have 
 an objection to make, that is hem I fhall 
 object to her pleading at all. Hem It is the 
 ftanding law of this country -hem and has 
 hem- always been lo allow'd, deem'd, and 
 practised, that hem all criminals Ihould be 
 try'd per pares, by their equals- hem that 
 h- hem by a jury of equal rank with them- 
 ielves. Now, if this be the cafe, as the cafe 
 it is; I hem I mould be glad to know, 
 how my client can be tryM in this here 
 manner. And firft, who is my client? bhe 
 is in the indictment call'd a phanrom, a 
 ghott ; What is a ghoft? a fpirir. What is a 
 fpirit? a fpirit is a thing that exi(ts indepen- 
 dently of, and is fuperior to, fiefh and blood. 
 .And can any man go for to think, that I can 
 advife my client to fubmit to be try'd by 
 people of an inferior rank to herfelr ? certainly 
 J10 1 therefore, humbly move to quafh this 
 indictment, unlefs a jury of ghofts be firfr. 
 bad, and obtam'd ; unlels a jury of ghofts be 
 firfl had and obtain'*.]. [Sits down. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 I am, in this caufe, Council againft Fanny 
 Phantom the ghoft ; eh, and notwith- 
 iiaiuling the rule laid down by Mr. Profequi, 
 be eh right in the main, yet here it can't 
 
 avail
 
 THE ORATORS. 4 t 
 
 avail his client a whit. We allow eh- 
 we do allow, pleafeyour worfhip^ that Fanny 
 quoad Phantom, eh had originally a right 
 to a jury of ghofts ; but eh if (he did, by 
 any al of her own, forfeit this right, her. 
 plea cannot be admitted. Now, we can 
 prove, pleafe your wor(hip, prove by a cloud 
 of witneffes, that faid Fanny did, as fpeci- 
 ficd ; n the indictment, fcratch, knock, and 
 flutter ; eh which laid fcratchings, knock- 
 ings, and flutterings eh being operations, 
 merely peculiar to fle(h, blood, and body- 
 eh we do humbly apprehend eh that 
 by condefcending to execute the aforefaid 
 operations, (he has waiv'd her privilege as a 
 ghofl, and may betry'd in the ordinary form, 
 according to the ftatute io made and pro- 
 vided in the reign of, &c. &c. &c. 
 Your wormip's opinion. 
 
 T I R E H A CK. 
 
 Smoke the juftice, he is as fad as a church. 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 I fancy he has touched the tankard too 
 much this morning; he'll know a good deal 
 of what they have been faying. 
 
 JUSTICE, 
 
 [7i wattd by the Clerk, who tells him they have pleaded* 
 
 Why the obje&ion oh brought by Mr. 
 Profequi, is (whifperstbe clerk) doubtlefs pro- 
 vifionally a valid objection ; but then, if the 
 
 culprit
 
 41 THE ORATORS. 
 
 culprit has, by an aft of her own, defeated 
 her privilege, as afTerted in Mr* Serjeant's^ 
 replication ; we conceive (lie may be legally 
 try'd oh, befides oh, betides, I, J, 1 
 can't well fee how we could impannel a jury 
 of ghofls ; or oh how twelve fphits, who 
 have no body at all, can be faid to take a 
 corporal oath, as requir'd by law unlefs, 
 indeed, as in cafe of the peerage, the pri- 
 foner may be try\i on their honour. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 Your worship's did motion isjuft; block- 
 ings, fcratchings, &c. as aflerted by Mr. Ser- 
 jeant. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 AiTerted Sir, do you doubt my inftruo 
 tions ? 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 No interruptions, if you pleafe, Mr. Ser- 
 jeant ; I fay as aflerted, but can aflcrtions 
 be admitted as proofs? certainly no-~ 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Our evidence is ready 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 To that we object, to that we objea, as it 
 will anticipate the merits your wormip-*-* 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Your worfliip 
 
 I JUSTICE.
 
 THE ORATORS, 43 
 
 JUSTICE. 
 
 Why, as you impeach the ghoft's privilege, 
 you muft produce proofs of her fcratchings, 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Call Shadrach Bodkin. 
 
 CLERK. 
 
 Shadrach Bodkin, come into court.. 
 
 SERJEANT. [Enter Bodkin. 
 Pray, Mr. Bodkin, where do you livsti 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 I fqjourn in Lukener's-lane. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 What is your profeffiou ? 
 
 BODKIN, 
 
 lama teacher of the word^ and a taykr. 
 
 SCAMPER, 
 
 Zounds, Will, it is a methodift, 
 
 T I R E H A C K 
 
 No, fure ! 
 
 SCAMPER, 
 
 By the lord Harry, it is. 
 
 CLERK, 
 Silence, 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 PO you k$ovv any thing of Fanny the 
 phantom ? 
 
 * BODKIN.
 
 44, THE ORATORS. 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 Yea I do. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Can you give any account of her thump- 
 ings, fcratchings, and flutterings? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 Yea manifold have been the fcratchings 
 and knock ings that I have heard. 
 
 SERJEANT, 
 
 Name the times. 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 I have attended the fpirit Fanny from the 
 firft day of her flutterings, even to the laft 
 fcratch that me gave. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 How long may that be ? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 Five weeks did me flutter, and fix weeks 
 did me fcratch. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Six weeks Damn it, I wonder (he did not 
 wear out her nails. 
 
 CLERK. 
 Silence. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 I hope the court is convinced. 
 
 c o u N-
 
 THE ORATORS. 4 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 Hold, Matter Bodkin, you and I muft have 
 a little difcourfe. A taylor, you fay. Do you 
 work at your bufinefs ? 
 
 " \ B O D K I N. 
 
 -NO- 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 Look upon me, look upon the court - 
 Then your prefent trade is your teaching? 
 
 BODKIN, 
 It is no trade. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 What is it then, a calling? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 No, it is no calling it is rather as I may 
 fay a forcing a compelling 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 By whom? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 By the fpirit that is within me 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 It is an evil fpirit, I believe; and needs muft 
 when the devil drives, you know, Will. 
 
 T I R E H A C K. 
 
 Right, Harry 
 
 G O U N-
 
 46 THE ORATORS. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 When ,did you firft feel thefe fpiritual 
 motions ? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 In the town of Norwich, where I was 
 born ; One day as I was fitting crofs-legged 
 on my (hop- board, new feating a cloth pair 
 of breeches of Mr. alderman Crape's 1 felt 
 the fpirit within me, moving upwards and 
 downwards, and this way and that way, and 
 tumbling and jumbling at firfl I thought it 
 was the colic 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 And how are you certain it was not? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 At laft I heard a voice whifpering within 
 me, crying, Shadrach, Shadrach, Shadrach, 
 caft away the tilings that belong to thee, thy 
 thimble and fheers, and do the things that J 
 bid thee. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 And you did ? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 Yea, verily. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 I think I have heard a little of you, Mafter 
 Bodkin ; and fo you quitted your bufmefs, 
 your wife, and your children ? 
 
 BODKIN,
 
 THE ORATORS, 47 
 
 BODKIN. 
 I did. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 You didBut then you comtnun'd with 
 other men's wiv-es ? 
 
 BODKIN, 
 Yea, and with widows, and with maidens. 
 
 COUNSELLOR, 
 
 How carne that about, Shadrach ? 
 
 BODKIN, 
 I was moved thereunto by the fpirit. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 I fhould rather think by the flefh I have 
 been told, friend Bodkin, that twelve became 
 pregnant 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 Thou art deceived They were barely. but 
 nine. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 Why, this was an active fpirit, 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 But to the point, Mr. Profequi. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 Well, then you fay you have heard thofe 
 (cratchings and knockings ? 
 
 B O P K I N. 
 
 Yea 
 
 C IT N-
 
 48 THE ORATORS. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 But why did you think they came from a 
 fpirit ? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 Becaufe the very fame thumps, fcratches, 
 and knocks, I have felt on my bread- bone 
 trom the fpirit within me 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 And thefe noifes you are fure you heard 
 on the firft day of January? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 Certain 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 But to what do all thofe interrogatories 
 tend ? 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 To a moft material purpofe ; your worfhip 
 obferves, that Bodkin is pofitive as to the 
 iioifes made on the firft day of January by 
 Fanny the phantom : now if we can prove 
 an Alibi, that is, that, on that very day, at 
 that very time, the faid Fanny was fcratch- 
 ing and fluttering any where elfe, we appre- 
 hend that we deitroy the credit of this wit- 
 nels Call Peter Paragraph. 
 
 CLERK. 
 
 Peter Paragraph, come into court. 
 
 C O U N-
 
 THE ORATORS. 49 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 This gentleman is an eminent printer, and 
 has collected, for the public information, 
 every particular relative to this remarkable 
 ftory ; but as he has the misfortune to have 
 but one leg, your worlhip will indulge him, 
 in the ufe of a chair. 
 
 CLERK. 
 Peter Paragraph, come into court. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. [Enter Paragraph.] 
 Pray, Mr. Paragraph, where was you born? 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 Sir, I am a native of Ireland, and born; and 
 bred in the city of Dublin, 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 When did you arrive in the city of Lon* 
 don? 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 About the laft autumnal equinox j and now 
 I recollect, my Journal rriake^ .mention of my 
 departure for England, in the Beisborough 
 Packet, Friday, October the tenth, N, 5, or 
 New Stile, 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 Oh ! Then the Journal is yours ? 
 
 PARAGRAPH, 
 
 Pleafe your worfhip, it is; and relating 
 
 thereto I believe I can give you a pleafant 
 
 D con-
 
 5 o THE ORATORS. 
 
 conceit Laft week I went to vifit a peer, for 
 I know peers, and peers know me. Quoth his 
 lordfhip to me, Mr. Paragraph, vwh refpedt 
 to your Journal, I would wifh that your 
 paper was whiter, or your ink blacker. 
 Quoth I to the peer, by way of reply, 1 hope 
 you will own there is enough for the money; 
 his lordfliip was pleafed to laugh. It was 
 fuch a, pretty repartee, he, he, he, he 
 
 JUSTICE. 
 
 Pray, Mr. Paragraph, what might be your 
 buiinefs in England ? 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 Hem a little love affair, pleafe your 
 worfhip. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 A wife, I fuppofe 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 Something tending that way ; even fo long 
 ago as January 1739-40, there paft fome 
 amorous glances between us : fhe is the 
 daughter of old Vamp of the Turnftile ; but 
 at that time I ftifled my paffion, Mrs. Para- 
 graph being then in the land of the living. 
 
 COUN SELLOR. 
 
 She is now dead ? 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 Three years and three quarters, pleafe your 
 worfhip: we were exceeding happy together; 
 fhe was, indeed, a little apt to be jealous. 
 
 COUN-
 
 *T H E O R A T O R S. 5 t 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 No wonder 
 
 PARAGRAPH* 
 
 Yes : they can't h^p it, poor fouls ; but 
 notwithftanding, at her death, I gave her a 
 prodigious good character in my Journal. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 And how proceeds the prefent affair ? 
 
 PARAGRAPH. ' ^ 
 
 Juft now, we are quite at a {land 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 How fo ? 
 
 PARAGRAPH* 
 
 The old fcoundrel her father has play'd 
 me a (lippery trick. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 indeed ! 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 As he could give no money in hand, I 
 agreed to take her fortune in copies ; I was to 
 have the Wits Vade Mecum entire ; four hun- 
 dred of News from the Invifible World, in 
 fheets ; all that remained of Glanvil upon 
 Witches; Hill's Bees, Bardana, Brewing, and 
 Balfam of Honey; and three eighths of Ro- 
 binfon Crufoe. 
 
 Da c o u N-
 
 5? THE ORATORS. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 A pretty fortune ! 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 Yes ; they are things that ftir in the trade ; 
 but you muft know that we agreed to go 
 halves in Fanny the Phantom. But whilft 
 I and two authors, whom I had hir'd to alk 
 queftions, at nine {Hillings a night, were tak- 
 ing notes of the knockings at the houfe of 
 Mr. Parfons himfelf, that old rafcal Vamp had 
 privately printed off a thoufand eighteen- 
 penny fcratchings, purchafed of two methodift 
 preachers, at the public houfe over the way 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 Now we come to the point look upon this 
 evidence ; was he prefent at Mr. Parfons's 
 knockings ? 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 Never ; this is one of the rafcally metho- 
 difts Harkee, fellow, how could you be fuch 
 a fcoundrel to fell for genuine your counter- 
 feit fcratchings to Vamp ? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 My fcratchings were the true fcratcli- 
 ings 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 Why, you lying Ion of a whore, did not 
 I buy all my materials from the girl's father 
 himfelf? 
 
 BODKIN.
 
 THE ORATORS. 53 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 What the fpirit commanded, that did I. 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 What fpirit ? 
 
 BODKIN. 
 
 The fpirit within me 
 
 PARAGRAPH. 
 
 If I could but get at you, 1 would foon try 
 what fort of a fpirit it is itop, you villain. 
 
 [Exit BODKIN.] 
 
 The rogue has made his efcape -but I will 
 dog him, to find out his haunts, and then re- 
 turn for a warrant His fcratchings! a fcoun- 
 drel; I will have juftice, or I'll turn his taber- 
 nacle into a pigftye. [Exit PARAGRAPH.] 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 I hope, pleafe your worfhip, we have fuffi- 
 ciently eftablifhed our Alibi. 
 
 JUSTICE. 
 
 You are unqueftionably entitled to a jury 
 of ghofts. 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 Mr. Serjeant, you will provide us a lift ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Let us fee you have no objection to Sir 
 George Villars; the evil genius of Brutus; 
 the ghofl of Banquo ; Mrs. Veal. 
 
 D 3 c o u N-
 
 54 THE ORATORS, 
 
 COUNSELLOR. 
 
 We object to a woman your wormip - 
 
 JUSTICE. 
 
 Why, it is not the practice ; this, it muft 
 be own'd, is an extraordinary cafe. But, 
 however, if, on convi&ion, the phantom 
 fhould plead pregnancy, Mrs. Veal will be 
 admitted on the jury of matrons. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 I thank your wormip: then the court is 
 adjourned. 
 
 [Terence and Dermot in an upper box. 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 By my ihoul, but I will fpake. 
 
 DERMOT. 
 
 Arrah, be quiet, Terence. 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 Dibble burn me but 1 will; hut, hut, not 
 fpake, what fhould ail me? harkee you, Mr. 
 Juftice 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Hollo, what's the matter now, Will ? 
 
 DERMOT. 
 
 Leave off, honey Terence, now you are 
 well 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 . _. Dermot, be eafy 
 
 SCAM-
 
 THE. ORATORS. 55 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Hear him 
 
 TIREHACK, 
 
 Hear him 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 Ay, hear him, hear him j why the matter 
 is this, Mr. JufUce, that little hopping fellow 
 there, that Dublin Journal man, is as great a 
 liar as ever was born 
 
 TIREHACK. 
 
 Howfo? 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 Ay, prithee don't bodder me ; what, d'ye 
 learn no more manners at Oxford college, than 
 to flop a gentleman in the midft of his fpeech 
 before he begins? oh, for mame ofyourfelf 
 Why the matter is this, Mr. Juftice, that there 
 what the debble d'ye call him, Pra-Praragraf, 
 but, by my fhoul, that is none of his name 
 neither, I know the little baftard as well as 
 myfelf ; as to Fanny the phantom, long life 
 to the poor gentlewoman, he knows no more 
 of her than the mother that bore her 
 
 SUDS. 
 Indeed! good lord, you furprize me? 
 
 D4 TERENCE.
 
 56 THE ORATORS. 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 Arrah, now, honey Suds, fpake when you 
 are fpoke to ; you ar'nt upon the jury, my 
 jewe', now ; by my flioul you are a little too 
 fat for a ghofh 
 
 TIREHACK. 
 
 P-ithee* friend Ephraim, let him go on ? 
 let hear a little what he would be at 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 I fay, he knows nothing about the cafe 
 that is litigated here, d'ye lee, at all, at all ; 
 becafe vvhy, I hant ha been from Dublin 
 above four weeks, or a month ; and I faw 
 him in his mop every day ; io that how could 
 he be heic and there too? unlefs, indeed, he 
 ufed to fly backwards and forwards, and that 
 you fee is impoifible, becaie why, he has got 
 a wooden leg. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 What the devil is the fellow about ? 
 
 TIREHACK. 
 
 I fmoak him harkee, Terence, who do 
 you take that lame man to be ? 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 Oh> my jewel, I know him well enough 
 fure by his parlon, for all he thought to 
 conceal himfelf by changing his name 
 
 SCAMPER.
 
 THE ORATORS, j 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Why, it is Foote, you fool. 
 
 T E R E N C IT. 
 
 Arrah, who? 
 
 TIREHACK. 
 
 Foote. 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 For, what the le<5hire-man ? Pa 
 
 TIREHACK. 
 
 Yes. 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 Arrah, be eafy, honey- . 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Nay, enquire of Suds. 
 
 SUDS. 
 Truly I am minded 'twas he. 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 Your humble fervant yourfelf, Mr. Suds ; 
 t>y my ihoul, I'll, wager you three thirteens 
 to a rap, that it is no fuch matter at all, at 
 all. 
 
 SCAMPER. 
 
 Done and be judg'd by the company. 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 Done I'll aik the Orator himfelf here he 
 comes; [Enter Foote.] Harkee, honey Fot, 
 
 was
 
 58 THE ORATORS. 
 
 was it yourfelf that was happing about here 
 but now ? 
 
 F o o T E. 
 
 I have heard your debate, and muft give 
 judgment againft you 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 What, yourfelf, yourfelf! 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 It was 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 Then, faith, I have loft my thirtcens 
 Arrah, .but Fot, my jewel, why are you after 
 playing fuch pranks to bring an honed gon- 
 
 tleman into company where he is nat But 
 
 what, is this felling of lectures a thriving 
 profeffion ? 
 
 F o o T E. 
 
 I can't determine as yet ; the public have 
 been very indulgent; I have not longope.n'd. 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 By my fhoul, if it anfwers, will you he my 
 pupil, and learn me the trade ? 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 Willingly 
 
 TERENCE. 
 
 That's an honeft fellow, long life to you, 
 lad. [Sits down. 
 
 Enter
 
 THE ORATORS/ 59 
 Enter M < G E O R G E. 
 
 M -' G E O R G E. 
 
 Here is Do&or Frifcano without. 
 
 F 00 T E. 
 
 Frifcano who is he ? 
 
 M ' G E O R G E. 
 
 The German phylician from James- frreet. 
 
 F o o T E. 
 Well ; what is his bufinefs with me? 
 
 M ' G E O R G E. 
 
 He is in danger of lofing his trade. 
 
 F O T E. 
 
 How fo , ? 
 
 M * G E O R G E. 
 
 He fays, lafl fummer. things went on 
 glibly enough, for then he had the market 
 all to himfelf ; but this year there is an Italian 
 fellow darted up in the garden, that with 
 his face and grimace has taken all his patients 
 away.. 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 That's hard. 
 
 M * G E O R G E. 
 
 Dreadful if you was to hear the poor 
 man's terrible tale you would really be moved 
 to compailion i he lays that his bleeding won't 
 
 find
 
 60 THE ORATOR & 
 
 find him in bread ; and as to the tooth trade> 
 excepting two ftumps, for fix-pence a piece, 
 'tis a month fince he looked in a mouth 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 How can I help him ? 
 
 M*G E O R G E. 
 
 Why he thinks oratory will do all with the 
 English ; and if you would but teach him to 
 talk, he fliould loon get his cuftom again 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 Can he read ? 
 
 M' G E O R G E. 
 
 Oh Lord ! poor man, no. 
 
 F o o T E. 
 
 Well, let him attend here on 
 
 M*G E O R G E. 
 
 He hopes you will quickly difpatch him* 
 for if he finds he can't do as a doctor, he in. 
 tends to return to the curing of horfes again. 
 
 F o o T E, 
 
 Well, tell him he may reft alfured, he 
 fhall either bleed or fhoe in a fortnight. 
 
 [Exit M'G E OR G E. 
 
 F O O T E. 
 
 Having thus compleated our lecture on the 
 eloquence peculiar to the bar, we (hall pro- 
 duce one great group of orators, in which will 
 be exhibited fpecimens of every branch of the 
 
 art.
 
 THE ORATORS. 61 
 
 art. You will have, at one view, the choleric, 
 the placid, the voluble, the frigid, the frothy, 
 the turgid, the calm, and the clamorous ; and 
 as a proof of our exquifite Ikill, our fubjeds 
 are not fuch as a regular education has pre- 
 pared for the reception of thisfublime fcience, 
 but a fet of illiterate mechanics, whom you 
 are to fuppofe aiTembled at the Robin-hood 
 in the Butcher-row, in order to difcufs and 
 adjuft the various fyftems of Europe ; but 
 particularly to determine the feparate intereft 
 of their own mother country. 
 
 End of the SECOND ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 62 THE ORATORS. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE, The Robin Hood. 
 The PRESIDENT. 
 
 DermotO'Droheda, a Chairman', TimTwiftj 
 a Taylor \ Strap, a Shoemaker ; Anvil, a 
 Smith; Sam Slaughter, a Butcher Catch- 
 pole, a Bailiff. All with Pewter Pots be- 
 fore them. 
 
 P R,E S I D E N T. 
 
 SILENCE, gentlemen ; are your pots 
 replenished with porter ? 
 
 ALL. 
 Full, Mr. Prefident. 
 
 PRESIDENT. 
 
 We will then proceed to the bufiuefs of the 
 day ; and let me beg, gentlemen, that you 
 will, in your debates, preferve that decency 
 and decorum that is due to the importance of 
 your deliberations, and the dignity of this il- 
 luftrious aflembly - 
 
 [Gets up, pulls off' bis hat, and reads the motion. 
 Motion made laft Monday to" be debated to- 
 day, " That, for the future, inftead of that 
 
 " vulgar
 
 THE ORATORS. 63 
 
 vulgar potation called porter, the honour- 
 able members may be fupplied with a pro- 
 per quantity of Irifh ufquebagh. 
 
 " Dermot O'Droheda t his mark." 
 
 O* D R O H E D A. \GttS Up. 
 
 That's I myfelf. 
 
 PRESIDENT. 
 
 Mr. O'Droheda. 
 
 Mr. Prefident, the cafe is this ; it is not be- 
 cafe I am any grate lover of that fame ufque- 
 bagh that I have fet my mark to the motion; 
 but becafe I did not think it was decent for a 
 number of gontlemen that were, d'ye fee, 
 met to fettle the affairs of the nation, to be 
 guzzling a pot of porter ; to be fure the liquor 
 is a pretty fort of a liquor enough when a man 
 is hot with trotting between a couple of poles; 
 but this is anothergnefs matter, becafe why, 
 the bead is concerned; and if it was not for 
 the malt nnd the haps, dibble burn me but I 
 would as foon take a drink from the Thames 
 as your porter. But as to Ufquebagh ; ah long 
 life to the liquor it is an exhilirator of the 
 bowels, and a ftomatic to the head ; I fay, 
 Mr. Prefident, it invigorates, it ftimulates-, 
 it in (hort it is the onlieft liquor of life, and 
 no man alive will die whilft he drinks it. 
 
 [Sits down. Twift gets up, having a piece 
 of paper, containing the beads of ivbat be 
 fays, in bis hat. &<* ., 
 
 p R E-
 
 64 THE ORATORS. 
 
 PRESIDENT. 
 
 Mr. Timothy Twift. 
 
 TIM TWIST. 
 
 Mr. Prefident, I fecond Mr. O'Droheda's 
 motion ; and, fir, give me leave I fay, Mr. 
 Prefident [looks in bis hat] give me leave to 
 obferve, that, fir, tho* it is impoffible to add 
 any force to what has been advanced by my 
 honourable friend in the (traps; yet, fir, [looks 
 into bis bat again,] it may, fir, I fay, be necef- 
 iary to obviate fome objections that may bo 
 made to the motion ; and rirfr, it may be 
 thought I fay, fir, fome gentlemen may 
 think, that this may prove pernicious to our 
 manufacture [looks in his bat,] and the duly 
 doubtlefs it is of every member of this illuftn- 
 ous aflembly to have a particlular eye unto 
 that ; but Mr. Prefident lir [looks in his hat* 
 is confufed, and fits down.] 
 
 PRESIDENT. 
 
 Mr. Tvvift, O pray finim, Mr. Twift. 
 
 TWIST. [Gets up. 
 
 I fay, Mr. Prefident, that, fir, if, fir, it be 
 confidered that as I fay [looks in his hat] 
 I have nothing farther to fay. 
 
 [Sits down, and Strap gets up t 
 
 PRESIDENT. 
 
 Mr. Strap. 
 
 STRAP. 
 
 Mr. Prefident, it was not my intention to 
 
 trouble
 
 THE ORATORS. 65 
 
 trouble the affembly upon this occasion, but 
 when I hear infinuations thrown out by gen- 
 tlemen, where the intereft of this country is 
 fo deeply concerned, I own I cannot fit fi lent ; 
 and give me leave to fay, fir, there never came 
 before this affembly a point of more impor- 
 tance than this ; it ftrikesj fir, at the very root, 
 fir, of your conftitution ; for, fir, what does this 
 motion imply? it implies that porter, a whole- 
 fome, domeftic manufacture, is to be prohibited 
 at once. And for what, fir? for a foreign, 
 pernicious commodity. I had, fir, formerly 
 the honour, in conjunction with my learned 
 friend in the leather apron, to expel fherbet 
 from amongft us, as I looked upon lemons as 
 a fatal and foreign fruit; and can it be thought, 
 fir, that I will fit filent to this ? No, fir, I will 
 put my moulders ftrongly againfl it; I will 
 oppofe it manibus totibus. For mould this 
 propofal prevail, it will not end here : fatalj 
 give me leave to fay, will, I forefee, be the 
 iflue ; and I (han't be furprized, in a few days^ 
 to hear from the fame quarter, a motion for 
 the expulfion of gin, and a premium for the 
 importation of whifky. 
 
 [A hum of approbation ,, with Jignificant 
 nods and ivmks from the other members. 
 He fits down ; and Anvil and another 
 member get up together, feme cry 
 Anvil, others Jacobs.
 
 66 THE ORATORS, 
 
 P R E S I D EN T. 
 
 Mr. Anvil. 
 
 ANVIL. 
 
 Mr. Prefident, fir 
 
 [The members all blow their nofes, and cough ; 
 Anvil talks all the while, but is not heard* 
 
 PRESIDENT. 
 
 Silence, gentlemen ; pray, gentlemen. A 
 worthy member is up, 
 
 ANVIL. 
 
 I fay, Mr. Prefident, that if we confider this 
 cafe in its utmoft extent [all the members 
 cough^ and blow their nofes aga'm^\ I fay, lir, 
 I will. Nay, I infift on being heard. If any 
 gentleman has any thing to fay any where 
 elfe, I'll hear him. 
 
 \_Mcmbers all laugh, and Anvil fits down 
 in a pajjion, and Slaughter gets up. 
 
 PRESIDENT. 
 
 Mr. Samuel Slaughter. 
 
 SLAUGHTER. 
 
 Sir, I declare it, at the bare hearing of this 
 here motion, I am all over in a fweat ; for 
 my part I can't think what gentlemen mean 
 by talking in that there manner ; not but I 
 likes that everv man fhould deliver his mind; 
 I does mine ; it has been ever my way ; and 
 when a member oppofes me I like him the 
 
 better 
 
 3
 
 THE ORATORS. 67 
 
 better for it; it's right ; I am pleas'd ; he can't 
 pleafe me more; it is as it mould be ; and tho' 
 I differ from the honourable gentleman in the 
 flannel night-cap, over the way, yet 1 am 
 pleafed to hear him fay what he tninks; for, 
 fir, as I faid, it is always my rule to fay what 
 I think, right or wrong [a loud laugbj\ Ay, 
 ay, gentlemen may laugh, with all my heart, 
 lamufed to it, I don't mind it a farthing; but, 
 fir, with regard to that there motion, 1 en- 
 tirely agree with my worthy friend with the 
 pewter-pot at his mouth. Now, lir, I would 
 fain afk any gentleman this here queftion ; 
 Can any thing in nature be more natural for 
 an Erigliihman, than porter ? I declare, Mr. 
 Pre(ident, I think it the moft wholefomeft 
 liquor in the world. But if it muft be a change, 
 let us change it for rum, a wholefome palatable 
 liquor, a liquor that -in fhort, Mr. Prefident, 
 I don't know fuch a liquor. Ay, gentlemen 
 may flare ; I fay, and I fay it upon my con- 
 fcience, I don't know fuch a liquor. Betides, 
 I think there is in this here affair a point of 
 law, which I (hall leave to the confideratiou 
 of the learned, and for that there reaibn, I 
 fhall take up no more of your time. 
 
 [He Jits down, Catchpole gets up. 
 
 PRESIDENT. 
 
 Mr. Catchpole. 
 
 E2 CATCH-
 
 68 THE ORATORS. 
 
 CATCHPOLE. 
 
 I get up to the point of law. And though, 
 fir, I am bred to the bufmefs, I can't fay I am. 
 prepared for this queftion. But though this 
 ufquebaugh, as a dram, may not (by name) 
 be fubjeft to a duty, yet it is my opinion, or 
 rather be^ef. it will be confider'd, as in the 
 cafe of hories, to come under the article of 
 dry'd goods But I move that another day 
 this point be debated.' 
 
 SLAUGHTER. 
 
 I fecond the motion. 
 
 [Catchpole gives a paper to the Prefident y 
 who reads it. 
 
 PRESIDENT. 
 
 Hear your motion. 
 
 *< That.it be debated next Thurfday, whe- 
 " ther the dram ufquebaugh is fubjecl: to a 
 ' particular duty; or, as in the cafe of hories, 
 " to be confidered under the article of dry'd 
 " goods." 
 
 ALL. 
 
 Agreed, agreed. 
 
 FOOT E. 
 
 And now, ladies and gentlemen, having pro- 
 duced to you glaring proofs of our great ability 
 in every tpecies of oratory, having manifefted, 
 in the perfons of our pupils, our infinite ad- 
 drefs in conveying our knowledge to others, 
 
 \ve
 
 THE ORATORS. 69 
 
 we (hall clofe our morning's lefture, inftituted 
 for the public good, with a propofal for the 
 particular improvement of individuals. We 
 are ready to give private inftru&ions to any 
 reverend gentleman in his probationary fermon 
 for a le&uremip; to young barrifters who have 
 caufes to open, or motions to make ; to all 
 candidates for the fock or bulkin ; or to the 
 new members of any of thofe oratorical focie- 
 ties with which this metropolis is at prefent 
 ib plentifully ftock'd. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 PLAYS printed for T. LOWNDES. 
 OCTAVO, is. 6d. each. 
 
 ACHILLES, an opera Infolvent, by A. Hill 
 
 All in the Wrong King Charles I. by Havard 
 
 Al/uma, by Mr* Murphy Lame Lover, by Foote 
 
 Alzira, by A. Hill, Efq. Love for Love, printed by 
 Art and Nature Bafkerville 
 
 Arminius Love in a Riddle, with mufic 
 
 Athelftan, by Dr. Brown Love in a Village 
 
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 Barbarofla, by Dr. Brown Lyar, by Mr. Foote 
 
 Beggars Opera Songs, for Mahomet, altered by David 
 
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 German Flute, 410. Maid of the Mill 
 
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 by Mr. Gay Methodift 
 
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 Cornifh 'Squire Modifli Couple 
 
 Coriolanus altered Momus turned Fabulift 
 
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 DifTembled Wanton Mourning Bride, printed by 
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 Eurydice, by Mallet Orators, by Mr. Foote 
 
 Falfe Delicacy* by Mr. Kelly Orphan of China 
 
 Fafhionable Lover Papal Tyranny 
 
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 Good-natur'd Man Regulus 
 
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 with cuts Siege of Aquileia 
 
 Humours of Oxford Students 
 
 Jealous Wife Temple Beau 
 
 Independent Patriot Timon of Athens altered
 
 PLAYS printed for T. LOWNDES. 
 
 Timon in Love, by Ralfe Way of the World, printed 
 Village Opera by Baflcerville 
 
 Virginia, by Mr. Crifpe Way to keep him 
 
 Virgin Queen Widow Bewitched. 
 Univerfal Paffion 
 
 OPERAS, FARCES, &c. Otfavo, is. each. 
 
 ACHILLES in Petti- Judgment of Paris 
 
 coats Lethe, by D. Gar rick, Efq. 
 
 Amintas Letter Writers, by Fielding 
 
 Amphitryon altered Lilliput, byD.Garrick, Efq. 
 
 Anthony and Cleopatra Livery Rake 
 
 Artaxerxes, an opera Lying Valet, by Garrick 
 
 Apprentice, by Mr. Murphy Mad Captain 
 
 Author, by Mr. Foote Mayor of Garret, by Mr. 
 
 Beggar's Wedding, by Coffey Footc 
 
 Beggars Opera Tunes for Merlin 
 
 the Flute Merry Cobler 
 
 Bickerftaff's UnburiedDead Midas, by Mr. Beard 
 
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 fie, by Coffey Mock Doftor, by Fielding 
 
 Catharine and Petruchio, al- Mule in Mourning ; to 
 
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 Devil of a Duke Romeo and Juliet altered 
 
 Dutchman, by Bridges She Gallant 
 
 Kdgar and Etnmeline Tafle, by Mr, Foote 
 
 Elizi Tempelt, an opera 
 
 Englifhman at Paris, by Thomas and Sally 
 
 Mr. Foote Tom Thumb 
 
 Englifhman returned by D. Two Gentlemen of Verona 
 
 Fairies, by Mr. Smith Upholfterer, by Mr.Murphy 
 
 Fair Quaker altered Walking Statue, or the 
 
 Fatal Extravagance DeVil in the Wine Cellar, 
 
 HiHorical Regifter by A. Hill, Efq. 
 
 Hofpital for Fools What we muft all come to.
 
 THE 
 
 PAT RON 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY 
 
 IN THREE ACTS. 
 
 As performed at the 
 
 THEATRE in the HAY-MARKET. 
 
 WRITTEN BY 
 
 SAMUEL F O O T E, Efq ; 
 
 THE FOURTH EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for T. LOWNDES, No. 77, Fleet-Street. 
 
 M DCC LXXXI. 
 [Price One Shilling and Sixpence.]
 
 TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 
 Granville Levefon Gower, 
 EARL GOWER, 
 
 Lord Chamberlain of his Majefty's 
 Houfhold. 
 
 MY LORD, 
 
 THE following little comedy, found- 
 ed on a ftory of M. Marmontelle's, 
 and calculated to expofe the frivolity and 
 ignorance of the pretenders to learning, 
 with the infolence and vanity of their fu- 
 perficial, illiberal protedors, can be ad- 
 drefled to no nobleman with more propri- 
 ety than to Lord Gower j whofe judgment, 
 though elegant, is void of affectation; and 
 whofe patronage, though powerful, is de- 
 ftitute of all faftidious parade. It is with 
 pleafure, my Lord, that the Public ftes your 
 Lordfhip plac'd at the head of that depart- 
 ment which is to decide, without appeal, 
 A 2 on
 
 iv DEDICATION. 
 
 on the moil popular domain in the whole 
 republic of letters ; a fpot that has always 
 been diftinguimed with affection, and cul- 
 tivated with care, by every ruler the lead 
 attentive to either chaftifing the morals, 
 polifhmg the manners, or, what is of equal 
 importance, rationally amufing the leifure 
 of the people. 
 
 The Patron, my Lord, who now begs 
 your protection, has had the good fortune 
 to be well receiv'd by the public ; and, in- 
 deed, of all the pieces that I have had the 
 honour to otter them, this feems to me to 
 have the faireft claim to their favour. 
 
 But the play, ftripp'd of thofe theatrical 
 ornaments for which it is indebted to your 
 Lordfhip's indulgence, muft now plead it's 
 own caufe ; nor will I, my Lord, with an 
 affected humility, echo the trite, coarfe, 
 though claflical compliment, of Optimum 
 patrcnus, pcffimus poeta : for if this be real- 
 ly true of the laft, the firft can have but 
 fmall pretenfions to praife j patronizing bad 
 poets being, in my poor opinion, lull as 
 pernicious to the progrefs of letters, as 
 neglecting the good. 
 
 In
 
 DEDICATION. v 
 
 In humble hopes, then, my Lord, of 
 not being thought the meaneft in the 
 Mufes train, I have taken the liberty to pre- 
 fix your name to this dedication, and pub- 
 lickly to acknowledge my obligations to 
 your Lordfhip j which, let me boaft too, I 
 have had the happinefs to receive, untaint- 
 ed by the infolence of domeftics, the de- 
 lays of office, or the chilling fuperiority of 
 rank ; mortifications which have been too 
 often experienced by much greater writers 
 than myfelf, from much lefs men than your 
 Lordmip. 
 
 My Lord, I have the honour to be, with 
 the greateft refpecl: and gratitude, 
 
 Your Lordmip's moft oblig'd, 
 and moft devoted, 
 . humble fervant. 
 
 SAMUELFOOTE. 
 
 A 3
 
 Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 Sir THOMAS LOFTY, 
 
 Sir PETER PEPPERPOT, 
 
 DICK BEVER, 
 
 FRANK YOUNGER, 
 
 Sir ROGER DOWLAS, 
 
 Mr. RUST, ^ 
 
 Mr. DACTYL, 
 
 Mr. PUFF, 
 
 Mr. STAYTAPE, 
 
 ROBIN, 
 
 JOHN, 
 
 Two Blacks. 
 
 Mifs JULIET, 
 
 >Mr. FOOTE. 
 
 Mr. DEATH. 
 Mr. DAVIS. 
 Mr. PALMER. 
 Mr. WESTON. 
 Mr. GRANGER. 
 Mr. HAYES. 
 Mr. BROWN. 
 Mr. PARSONS. 
 Mr. LEWIS. 
 
 Mrs. GRANGER,
 
 THE 
 
 PATRON. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Scene the Street. 
 Enter BEVER and YOUNGER. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 X# O, Dick, you muft pardon me. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 ut to fatisfy your curioilty. 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 I tell you, I have not a jot. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Why then to gratify me. * 
 
 A4 YOUNGER
 
 8 THE PATRON, 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 At rather too great an expence. 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 To a fellow of your obfervation and 
 turn, I (hould think now iuch a fcene a 
 mo(t delicate treat. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Delicate ! Palling, naufeous, to a dread- 
 ful degree. To a lover, indeed, the charms 
 of the niece may palliate the uncle's ful- 
 fome formality. 
 
 B E v E R. 
 
 The uncle ! ay, but then you know he 
 is only one of the group. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 That's true ; but the figures are all 
 finifh'd alike : a maniere, a tirefome fame- 
 nefs throughout. 
 
 B EVER. 
 
 There you will excufe me j I am fure 
 there is no want of variety. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 No ! then let us have a detail. Come, 
 Dick, give us a bill of the play. 
 
 B E v E R. 
 Firft, you know, there's Juliet's uncle. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 What, Sir Thomas Lofty ! the modern 
 Midas, or rather (as fifty dedications will 
 
 tell
 
 THE PATRON. 9 
 
 tell you) the Pollio, the Atticus, the pa- 
 tron of genius, the protector of arts, the 
 paragon of poets, decider on merit, chief 
 juftice of tafte, and fworn appraifer to 
 Apollo and the tuneful Nine. Ha, ha. Oh, 
 the tedious, infipid, infufferable coxcomb ! 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Nay, now, Frank, you are too extrava- 
 gant. He is univerfally allow'd to have 
 tafte; {harp-judging Adriel, the mufe's 
 friend, himielf a mufe. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Tafte ! by who ? underling bards, that 
 he feeds -, and broken bookfellers, that he 
 bribes. Look ye, Dick, what raptures 
 you pleafe, when Mifs Lofty is your theme ; 
 but expect no quarter for the reft of the fa- 
 mily. I tell thee once for all, Lofty is a 
 rank impoftor, the bufo of an illiberal, mer- 
 cenary tribe ; he has neither genius to cre- 
 ate, judgment to diftinguim, or generofity 
 to reward ; his wealth has gain'd him flat- 
 tery from the indigent, and the haughty 
 infolence of his pretence, admiration from 
 the ignorant. Voila le portrait de "ootre 
 oncle. Now on to the next. 
 
 BE VE R. 
 The ingenious and erudite Mr. Ruft. 
 
 YOUNGER.
 
 10 THE PATRON. 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 What, old Martin, the medal-monger ? 
 
 BE v ER. 
 
 The fame, and my rival in Juliet. 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Rival 1 what, Ruft ? why (he's too mo- 
 dern for him by a couple of centuries. 
 Martin ! why he likes no heads but upon 
 coins. Marry 'd ! the mummy ! Why 'tis 
 not above a fortnight ago that I faw him 
 making love to the figure without a nofe 
 in Somerfet-Gardens : I caught him ftroak- 
 ing the marble plaits of her gown, and 
 aflced him if he was not amamed to take 
 fuch liberties with ladies in public. 
 
 BE VE R. 
 
 What an inconflant old fcoundrel it is! 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Oh, a Dorimant. But how came this 
 about? what could occafion the change? 
 was it in the power of flefli and blood to 
 feduce this adorer of virtu from his marble 
 and porphyry ? 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Juliet has done it ; and, what will fur- 
 prize you, his tafte was a bawd to the bu- 
 finefs. 
 
 YOUNGER.
 
 T H E P A T R O N. u 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Prythee explain. 
 
 BE VE R. 
 
 Juliet met him laft week at her uncle's : 
 he was a little pleafed with the Greek of 
 her profile ; but, on a clofer enquiry, he 
 found the turn-up of her nofe to exactly 
 refemble the buft of the princefs Popaea. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 The chafte moiety of the amiable Nero. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 The fame. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Oh, the deuce-! then your bufinefs was 
 done in an inftant. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Immediately. In favour of the tip, he 
 offered carte blanche for the reft of the 
 figure, which (as you may fuppofe) was 
 inftantly caught at. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Doubtlefs. But who have we here ? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 This is one of Lofty's companions, a 
 Weft-Indian of an over-grown fortune. He 
 faves me the trouble of a portrait. This is 
 Sir Peter Pepperpot. 
 
 Enter
 
 12 THE PATRON. 
 
 Enter SirPETERPEPpERpoT and two Macks. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Carelefs fcoundrels ! harkee, rafcals ! I'll 
 baniih you home, you dogs ! you {hall 
 back, and broil in the fun. Mr. Bever, 
 your humble j Sir, I am your entirely de- 
 voted. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 You feem mov'd ; what has been the 
 matter, Sir Peter ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Matter ! why I am invited to dinner on 
 a barbicu, and the villains have forgot my 
 bottle of chian. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 Unpardonable. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 Ay, this country has fpoil'd them ; this 
 
 fame chrirtening will ruin the colonies. 
 
 Well, dear Bever, rare news, boy j our 
 fleet is arriv'd from the Weft. 
 
 BEVER. 
 It is? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Ay, lad ; and a glorious cargo of tur- 
 tle. It was lucky I went to Brighthelm- 
 flone j I nick'd the time to a hair j thin as 
 
 a lath,
 
 THE PATRON. 13 
 
 a lath, and a ftomach as {harp as a mark's : 
 never was in finer condition for feeding. 
 
 B E VE R. 
 Have you a large importation, Sir Peter ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Nine ; but feven in excellent order : the 
 captain afTures rnc they greatly gain'd ground 
 on the voyage. 
 
 BE VE R. 
 
 How do you difpofe of them ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Four to Cornhill, three to Almack's, and 
 the two fickly ones I (hall fend to my bo- 
 rough in Yorkshire. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Ay ! what, have the provincials a relim 
 for turtle ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Sir, it is amazing how this country im- 
 proves in turtle and turnpikes ; to which 
 (give me leave to fay) we, from our part 
 of the world, have not a little contributed. 
 Why formerly, Sir, a brace of bucks on 
 the mayor's annual day was thought a 
 pretty moderate bleffing. But we, Sir, 
 have polim'-d their palates. Why, Sir, not 
 the meaneft member of my corporation but 
 can diflinguifh the pam from the pee. 
 
 YOUNGER.
 
 i 4 THE PATRON. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Indeed! 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Ay, and fever the green from the fhell, 
 with the fkill of the ableft anatomift. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 And they are fond of it ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Oh, that the confumption will tell you. 
 The ftated allowance is fix pounds to an 
 alderman, and five to each of their wives. 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 A plentiful provifion. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 But there was never known any wafte : 
 the mayor, recorder, and rector, are per- 
 mitted to eat as much as they pleafe. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 The entertainment is pretty expenfive. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Land-carriage and all. But I contriv'd 
 to imuggle the laft that I.fent them. 
 
 BE VE R. 
 
 Smuggle ! I don't underftand you. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Why, Sir, the rafcally coachman had 
 always charged me five pounds for the car- 
 riage. Damn'd dear ! Now my cook go- 
 ing
 
 T H E P A T R O N: 15 
 
 ing at the fame time into the country, I 
 made him clap a capuchin upon the turtle, 
 and for thirty millings put him an infide 
 paffenger in the Doncafter Fly. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 A happy expedient. 
 
 BE VER. 
 Oh, Sir Peter has infinite humour. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Yes, but the frolick had like to have 
 prov'd fatal. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 How fo ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 The maid at the Rummer at Hatfield 
 popp'd her head into the coach to know if 
 the company would have any breakfaft : 
 Ecod, the turtle, Sir, laid hold of her nofe, 
 and flapp'd her face with his fins, till the 
 poor devil fell into a fit. Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 Oh, an abfolute Rabelais. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 What, I reckon, Sir Peter, you are go- 
 ing to the Square ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Yes ; I extremely admire Sir Thomas. 
 Y.ou know this is his day of afTembly ; I 
 
 fuppofe
 
 16 THE PATRON. 
 
 fuppofe you will be there : I can tell you, 
 you are a wonderful favourite. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Am I? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 He fays, your natural genius is fine; 
 and, when polifti'd by his cultivation, wilj 
 furprize and aftonim the world. 
 
 BE VE R. 
 
 I hope, Sir, I lhall have your voice with 
 the public. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Mine ! O fye, Mr. Bever. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Come, come, you are no inconfiderable 
 patron. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 He, he, he. Can't fay but I love to 
 encourage the arts. 
 
 BEVER. 
 And have contributed largely yourfelf. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 What, is Sir Peter an author ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 O fye ! what me ? a mere dabbler ; have 
 blotted my fingers, 'tis true : fome fonnets, 
 that have not been thought wanting in fait. 
 BEVER. 
 
 And your epigrams. 
 
 Sir
 
 r T HE PATRON. 17 
 
 Sir P E T E R. 
 
 Not entirely without point. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 But come, Sir Peter, the love of the arts 
 is not the fole caufe of your vifits to the 
 houfe you are going to. 
 
 Sir PETER, 
 
 I don't under/land you. 
 
 BE VER. 
 Mifs Juliet, the niece. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 fye ! what chance have I there ? In- 
 deed, if Lady Pepperpot mould happen to 
 pop off 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 1 don't know that. You are, Sir Peter, 
 a dangerous man - t and, were I a father, or 
 uncle, I mould not be a little my of your 
 
 vifits. 
 
 Sir P E T.E R. 
 
 Pma t dear Bever, you banter. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 And (unlefs I am extremely out in my 
 guefs) that lady 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Hey ! what, what, dear Bever ? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 But if you mould betray me 
 
 B Sir
 
 i8 THEPATRON, 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 May I never eat a bit of green fat, if I 
 do! 
 
 BE VBR. 
 
 Hints have been dropp'd. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 The devil ! come a little this way. 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 Well made; not robuft and gigantic, 
 'tis true, but extremely genteel. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Indeed ! 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Features, not entirely regular ; but mark- 
 ing, with an air now, fuperior; greatly 
 above the you understand me ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Perfectly. Something noble ; expreffive 
 of fafliion. 
 
 BE VE R. 
 Right. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Yes, I have been frequently told fo. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Not an abfolute wit -, but fomcthing in- 
 finitely better : an enjouement, a fpirit, a 
 
 S ; r PETE R/ 
 
 I was ever fo, from a child. 
 
 4 
 
 BEVER.
 
 THE PATRON, i 9 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 . In (hort, your drefs, addrefs, with a 
 thoufand other particulars that at prefent I 
 can't recoiled:. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Why, dear Bever, to tell thee the truth, 
 I have always admir'd Mils Juliet, and a 
 delicate creature (he is : fweet as a fugar- 
 cane, flrait as a bamboo, and her teeth as 
 white as a negro's. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Poetic, but true. Now only conceive,, 
 Sir Peter, fuch a plantation of perfections 
 to be devoured by that caterpillar Ruft. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 A liquorim grub ! Are pine-apples for 
 
 fuch muckworms as he ? I'll fend him a 
 
 jar of citrons and ginger, and poifon the 
 pipkin. 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 No, no. 
 
 Sir PETE R. 
 
 Or invite him to dinner, and mix rat's- 
 bane along witli his curry. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 ) Not fo precipitate,; I think we may de- 
 feat him without any danger. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 How, how ? 
 
 B 2 BEVEJt..
 
 ao THE PATRON. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 I have a thought but we muft fettle the 
 plan with the Jady. Could not you give 
 her the hint, that I fhould be glad to fee her 
 a moment. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 I'll do it diretfly. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 But don't let Sir Thomas perceive you. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 Never fear. You'll follow ? 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 The inftant I have fettled matters with 
 her ; but fix the old fellow fo that me may 
 not be mifs'd. 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 I'll nail him, I warrant ; I have his opi- 
 nion to beg on this manufcript. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Your own ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 No. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Oh ho ! what fomething new from the 
 doctor, your chaplain ? 
 
 Sir PETER. 
 
 He ! no, no. O Lord, he's elop'd. 
 
 Beaver
 
 THE PATRON. 21 
 
 , BEVER. 
 
 How! 
 
 Sir P E-T E R. 
 
 Gone. You know he was to dedicate 
 his volume of fables to me : fo I gave him 
 thirty pounds to get my arms engrav'd, to 
 prefix (by way of print) to the front! fpicce ; 
 and, O grief of griefs! the doctor has 
 mov'd off with the money. I'll fend you 
 Mifs Juliet. [Exit. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 There now is a fpecial protector ! The 
 arts, I think, can't but flourifh under fuch 
 a Mecaenas. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Heaven vifits with a tafte the wealthy 
 fool. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 True ; but then, to juftify the difpenfa- 
 tion, 
 
 From hence the poor are cloath'd, the hungry fed, 
 Fortunes to bookfellers, to authors bread. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 The diftribution is, I own, a little un- 
 equal : and here comes a mod melancholy 
 inftance ; poor Dick Dactyl, and his pub- 
 limer Puff. 
 
 63 Enter
 
 a* T H E P A T R O N. 
 
 Enter DACTYL and PUFF. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Why, then, Mr. Dadyl, carry them to 
 fbrhebody elfe j there are people enough in 
 the trade : but I wonder you would med- 
 dle with poetry j you know it rarely pays 
 ''for the paper. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 And how can one help it, Mr. Puff? Ge- 
 nius impels, and when a man is once lifted 
 in the icrvice of the Mules 
 
 r UFF. 
 
 Why, let him give them warning as 
 ibon as he can. A pretty fort of fervice, 
 indeed! where there are neither wagt s nor 
 vails. The Mules ! And what, I fuppofe 
 this is the livery they give. Gadzooks, I 
 had rather be a waiter at Ranelagh. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 The poet and publilher at variance J 
 What is the matter, Mr. Da&yl ? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 As Gad mall judge me, Mr. Bever, as 
 pretty a- poem, and fo polite ; not a mortal 
 can take any offence ; all full of panegyric 
 fend prkiie. 
 
 H',. , - & ri 
 
 PUFF.
 
 T H E P A T R O N. 23 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 A fine chara&er he gives of his works- 
 No offence ! the greateft in the world, Mr- 
 Da&yl. Panegyric and praife ! and what 
 will that do with the publick? Why who 
 the devil will give money to be told that 
 Mr. Such-a-one is a wifer or better man 
 -than himfelf ? No, no j 'tis quite and clean 
 out of nature. A good fouling fatire now, 
 Wll powder'd with perfonal pepper, and 
 feafon'd with the fpirit of party ; that de- 
 jnolifhes a confpicuous character, and finks 
 him below our own level ; there, there, we 
 are pleas'd j there we chuckle, and grin, 
 and tofs the half-crowns on the counter. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Yes, and fo get cropp'd for a libel. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Cropp'd ! ay, and the luckieft thing that 
 can happen to you. Why, I would not 
 give two-pence for an author that is afraid 
 of his ears. Writing, writing is, (as I 
 may fay,) Mr. Da&yl, a fort of a warfare, 
 where none can be vi&or that is the lead 
 afraid of a fear. Why, zooks, Sir, I ne- 
 :yer got fait to my porridge till I mounted 
 .at" the Royal Exchange. 
 
 64. BEVER.
 
 24 THE PAT Pv ON. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Indeed ! 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 No, no ; that was the making of me. 
 Then my name made a noife in the world. 
 Talk of forked hills, and of Helicon ! ro- 
 mantic and fabulous fluff. The true Cafta- 
 lian ftream is a mower of eggs, and a pil- 
 lory the poet's Parnaffus. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Ay, to you indeed it may anfwer; but 
 what do we get for our pains ? 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Why, what the deuce would you get ? 
 food, fire, and fame. Why you would 
 not grow fat ! a corpulent poet is a mon- 
 fter, a prodigy ! No, no ; fpare diet is a 
 fpur to the fancy; high feeding would but 
 founder your Pegafus. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Why, you impudent, illiterate rafcal ! 
 who is it you dare treat in this manner ? 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Heyday ! what is the matter now ? 
 DACTYL. 
 
 And is this the return for all the obliga- 
 tions you owe me? But no matter'? the 
 
 world,
 
 THE PATRON. 25 
 
 world, the world (hall know what you are, 
 and how you have us'd me. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Do your worft ; I defpife you. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 They (hall be told from what a dunghill- 
 you fprang. Gentlemen, if there be faith 
 in a finner, that fellow owes every (hilling 
 to me. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 To thee ! 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Ay, Sirrah, to me. In what kind of 
 way did I find you ? then where and what 
 was your ftate? Gentlemen, his mop was 
 a med in Moorfields j his kitchen, a broken 
 pipkin of charcoal -, and his bed-chamber, 
 under the counter. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 I never was fond of expence ; J ever 
 minded my trade. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Your trade ! and pray with what ftock 
 did you trade ? I can give you the cata- 
 logue ; I believe it won't overburthen my 
 memory. Two odd volumes of Swift ; the 
 Life of Moll Flanders, with cuts j the Five 
 Senfes, printed and coloured by Overton -, 
 
 a few
 
 26 l: H E P A T R O N. 
 
 a few claffics, thumb'd and blotted by the 
 boys of the Charterhoufe j with the Trial of 
 Pr. Sacheveral. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Malice. 
 
 X> A C T Y L. 
 
 Then, Sirrah, I gave you my Canning: 
 it was (lie firft fet you afloat. 
 
 TUFF. 
 A grub. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 And it is not only my writings : you 
 know, Sirrah, what you owe to my phy- 
 iick. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 How ! a phyfn un ? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Yes, Mr. Bever 5 phyfick and poetry. 
 Apollo is the patron of both : Opijerque per 
 Qrbem dicor. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Hio phyfick I 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 My phyHck ! ay, mv phyfick : why, dare 
 you deny it, you rafcal ! What, have you 
 forgot my powders for flatulent crudities ? 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 No. 
 
 DAC.
 
 THE PATRON. 27 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 My cofmetic lozenge, and fugar-plumbs ? 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 .No. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 My coral for cutting of teeth, my po- 
 tions, my lotions, my pregnancy-drops* 
 with my pafte for fuperfluous hairs ? 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 No, no -, have you done ? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 No, no, no ; but I believe this will fuf- 
 fice for the prefent. ' 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Now would not any mortal believe that 
 I ow'd my all to this fellow. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Why, indeed, Mr. Puff, the balance 
 does feem in his favour. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 In his favour ! why you don't give any 
 credit to him : a reptile, a bug, that owes 
 his very being to me. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 I I, I! 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 You, you ! What, I fuppofe, you forget 
 our garret in Wine-office-court, when you 
 
 furnifh'd
 
 28 THE PATRON. 
 
 furnifh'd paragraphs for the Farthing-poft 
 at twelve-pence a dozen. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Fiaion. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Then, did not I get you made collector 
 of cafuaities to the Whitehall and .St. 
 James's ? but that poft your lazinefs loft 
 you." Gentlemen, he never brought them 
 a robbery till the highwayman was going 
 to, be hang'd ; a birth till the chriftening 
 was over ; nor a death till the hatchment 
 was up. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Mighty well ! 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 And now, becaufe the fellaw has got a 
 little in fiem, by being puff to the play- 
 houfe this winter, (to which, by the bye, 
 I got him appointed,) he is as proud and as 
 vain as Voltaire, But I fhall foon have him 
 under ; the vacation will come. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Let it. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Then I (hall have him fneaking and 
 cringing, hanging about me, and begging 
 a bit of tranflation. 
 
 D AC-
 
 T H E P A T R O N, 2? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 I beg, I, for tranflation ! 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 No, no, not a line ; not if you would 
 do it for two-pence a meet. No boil'd 
 beef and carrot at mornings ; no more cold 
 pudding and porter. You may take your 
 leave of my mop. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Your (hop ! then at parting I will leave 
 you a legacy. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 O fye, Mr. Dadyl ! 
 
 PUFF. 
 Let him alone. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Pray, gentlemen, ,jt me do myfelf 
 juftice. 
 
 BE V ER. 
 
 Younger, reftrain the publimer's fire. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Fye, gentlemen, fuch an illiberal com- 
 bat it is a fcandal to the republic of let- 
 ters. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Mr. Dadtyl, an old man, a mechanic, 
 beneath 
 
 D AC-
 
 3$ THE PATRON; 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Sir, I am calm ; that thought has re- 
 ftor'd me. To your infignificancy you are 
 indebted for fafety. But what my genero- 
 fity has faved, my pen mail deftroy. 
 
 PUFF. 
 Then you muft get fomebody to mend it. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Adieu ! 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Farewel ! [Exeunt federally. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha ! come, let us along to the 
 fquare. 
 
 Blockheads with reafon wicked wits abhor, 
 But dunce with dunce is barb'rous civil war* 
 
 END of the FIRST ACT. 
 
 A C T,
 
 THE PATRON. 31 
 
 ACT II. Scene continues. 
 
 Enter B E v E R and YOUNGER, 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 POOR Dactyl ! and dwells fuch mighty 
 rage in little men r" I hope there is no 
 danger of bloodfhed. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Oh, not in the leaft : the gens <uatum 9 
 the nation of poets, though an irritable, 
 are yet a placable people. Their mutual 
 interests will foon bring them together 
 again. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 But fliall not we be late ? The critical fe- 
 nate is by this time aflembled. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 I warrant you, frequent and full j where 
 Stately Bufo, puff'd by ev'ry quill, 
 Sits, like Apollo, on his forked hill. 
 
 But
 
 32 THE PATRON. 
 
 But you know I muft wait for Mifs Lofty ; 
 I am now totally directed by her. She 
 gives me the key to all Sir Thomas's foi- 
 bles, and prefcribes the moft proper me- 
 thod to feed them j but what good purpofe 
 that will produce 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Is (he clever, adroit ? 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 Doubtlefs. I like your afking the quef- 
 tion of me. 
 
 YOUNGER. 
 
 Then pay an implicit obedience : the 
 ladies, in thfe cafes, generally know what 
 they are about. The door opens. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 It is Juliet, and with her old Ruft. En- 
 ter, Frank : you know the knight, fo no 
 introduction is wanted. [Exif Younger.] 
 I mould be glad to hear this reverend piece 
 of lumber make love; the courtmip muft 
 certainly be curious. Good-manners, fland 
 by ; by your leave I will liften a little. [Be- 
 ver re fires.] 
 
 Enter JULIET and RUST. 
 
 JULIET. 
 And your collection is large ? 
 
 RUST.
 
 THE PATRON. 33 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Moft curious and capital. When, Ma- 
 dam, will you give me leave to add your 
 charms to my catalogue ? 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 O dear ! Mr. Ruft, I (hall but difgrace 
 it. Befides, Sir, when I marry, I am re- 
 folv'd to have my hulband all to myfelf: 
 now for the poffeffion of your heart I {hall 
 have too many competitors. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 How, Madam ! were Prometheus alive, 
 and would animate the Hden that ftands in 
 my hall, me mould not coll me a Ugh. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ay, Sir, there lies my greateft misfor- 
 tune. Had I only thole who are alive to 
 contend with, .by afliduity, affection, cares, 
 and careffes, I might fecure my conqueft : 
 though that would be difficult ; for I am 
 convinc'd, were you, Mr. Ruft, put up by 
 Preftage to audion, the Apollo Belvidere 
 would not draw a greater number of bid- 
 ders. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Would that were the cafe, Madam, fo 
 I might be thought a proper companion to 
 the Venus de Medicis. 
 
 C j;
 
 34 THE PATRON. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 The flower of rhetoric, and pink of po- 
 litenefs. But my fears are not confined to 
 the living ; for every nation and age, even 
 painters and ftatuaries, confpire againft me. 
 Nay, when the Pantheon itfelf, the very 
 goddefles rife up as my rivals, what chance 
 has a mortal like me. I (hall certainly 
 laugh in his face. [AfideT\ 
 
 RUST. 
 
 She is a delicate fubjed:. Goddefles, 
 
 MadamJ zooks, had you been on Mount 
 Ida when Paris decided the conteft, the 
 Cyprian queen had pleaded for the pippin 
 in vain. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Extravagant gallantry. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 In you, Madam, are concentered all the 
 beauties of the Heathen mythology : the 
 open front of Diana, the luftre of Pallas's 
 eyes, 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Oh, Sir! 
 
 RUST. 
 
 The chromatic mufick of Clio, the 
 blooming graces of Hebe, the empereal 
 
 port
 
 THE PATRON. 35 
 
 port of queen Juno, with the delicate dim- 
 ples of Venus. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 I fee, Sir, antiquity has not engrofs'd 
 all your attention : you are no novice in 
 the nature of woman. Incenfe, I own, is 
 grateful to moft of my fex j but there are 
 times when adoration may be difpens'd 
 with. 
 
 RUST. 
 Ma'am ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 I fay, Sir, when we women willingly 
 wave our rank in the ikies, and wim to be 
 treated as mortals. 
 
 R U S T. 
 
 Doubtlefs, Madam : and are you want- 
 ing in materials for that ? No, Madam -, as 
 in dignity you furpafs the Heathen divini- 
 ties, fo in the charms of attraction you 
 beggar the queens of the earth. The whole 
 world, at different periods, has contributed 
 it's feveral beauties to form you. 
 
 JULIET. 
 The deuce it has ! \Afide.] 
 
 RUST. 
 
 See there the ripe Afiatic perfeftion, 
 
 join'd to the delicate foftnefs of Europe! In 
 
 C 2 you,
 
 36 THEPATRON. 
 
 you, Madam, I burn to poflefs Cleopatra's 
 alluring glances, the Greek profile of queen 
 Clytemneftra, the Roman nofe of the em- 
 prefs Popaea 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 With the majeftic march of queen Befs. 
 Mercy on me, what a wonderful creature 
 am I ! 
 
 R u s TV 
 
 In fhort, Madam, not a feature you have, 
 but recals to my mind (ome trait in a me- 
 dal or buft. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Indeed ! Why, by your account, I muft 
 be an abfolute olio, a perfect falamongundy 
 of charms. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Oh, Madam, how can you demean, as 
 I may fay, undervalue 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Value ! there is the thing ; and to tell 
 you the truth, Mr. Ruft, in that word Va- 
 lue lies my greateft objection. 
 
 RUST. 
 I don't underftand you., 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Why then I will explain myfelf. It has 
 been faid, and I believe with fome (hadow 
 
 of
 
 -T H E P A T R O N. 37 
 
 of truth, that no man is a hero to his valet 
 de cbambre : now I am afraid, when you and 
 I grow a little more intimate, which I 
 fuppofe mufl be the cafe if you proceed on 
 your plan, you will be horribly difappoint- 
 ed in your high expectations, and foon dif- 
 cover this Juno, this Cleopatra, and prin- 
 cefs Popaea, to be as arrant a mortal as ma- 
 dam your mother. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Madam, J, I, I 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Your patience a moment. Being there- 
 fore defirous to preferve your devotion, I 
 beg for the future you would pleafe to 
 adore at a diftance. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 To Endymion, Madam, Luna once lift- 
 ened. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ay, but he was another kind of a mor- 
 tal : you may do very well as a votary j but 
 for a hufband mercy upon me ! 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Madam, you are not in earnefl, not fe- 
 rious ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Not ferious ! Why have you the impu- 
 dence to think of marrying a goddefs ? 
 
 3 RUST. 
 
 \
 
 38 THE PATRON. 
 
 RUST. 
 I mould hope 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 And what fhould you hope ? I find 
 your devotion refembles that of the world : 
 when the power of finning is over, and 
 the fprightly firft-runnings of life are rack'd 
 ofF, you offer the vapid dregs to your dei- 
 ty. No, no } you may, if you pleafe, turn 
 monk in my fervice. One vow, I believe, 
 you will obferve better than moft of thepi, 
 chaflity. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Permit me 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Or, if you muft marry, take your Julia, 
 your Portia, or Flora, your Fum-fam from 
 China, or your Egyptian Ofiris. You have 
 long paid your addrefles to them. 
 
 RUST. 
 Marry 1 what, marble ? 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 The propereft wives in the world ; you 
 can't choofe amifs ; they will fupply you 
 with all that you want. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Your uncle has, Madam, confented. 
 
 JU-
 
 THEPATRON. 39 
 JULIET. 
 
 That is more than ever his niece will. 
 Confented ! and to what ? to be fwath'd to 
 a mouldering mummy ; or be lock'd up, 
 like your medals, to canker and raft in a 
 cabinet ! No, no ; I was made for the world, 
 and the world mall not be robb'd of its 
 right. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Bravo, Juliet ! Gad, flic's a fine-fpirited 
 girl. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 My profile, indeed ! No, Sir, when I 
 marry, I muft have a man that will meet 
 my full face. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Might I be heard for a moment ? 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 To what end ? You fay, you have Sir 
 Thomas Lofty's confent ; I tell you, you 
 can never have mine. You may fcreen me 
 from, or expofe me to, my uncle's refent- 
 ment ; the choice is your own : if you lay 
 the fault at my door, you will, doubtlefs, 
 greatly diftrefs me ; but take the blame on 
 yourielf, and I mall own myfelf extremely 
 oblig'd to you. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Hpw ! confefs myfelf in the fault ? 
 
 C 4 ju-
 
 40 THE PATRON. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ay ; for the bell thing a man can do, 
 when he finds he can't be belov'd, is to take 
 care he is not heartily hated. There is no 
 other alternative. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Madam, I fha'n't break my word with 
 Sir Thomas. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Nor I with myfelf. So there's an end of 
 our conference. Sir, your very obedient. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Madam, I, I, don't that is, let me 
 But no matter. Your fervant. \Exit, 
 
 JULIET. 
 Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Enter BuvERfrom behind, 
 
 BE VE R. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha ! Incomparable Juliet ! How 
 the old dotard trembled and totter'd j he 
 could not have been more inflam'd, had he 
 been robb'd of his Otho. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ay j was ever goddefs fo familiarly us'd ? 
 In my confcience, I began to be afraid 
 that he would treat me as the Indians do 
 their dirty divinities j whenever they are 
 deaf to their prayers, they beat and abufe 
 them, 
 
 BE-
 
 THE PATRON. 41 
 
 BEVE R. 
 
 But, after all, we are in an aukward 
 Situation. . 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 How fo ? 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 J have my fears. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 So have not I. 
 
 B E VER. 
 
 Your uncle has refolv'd that you lliould 
 be marry'd to Ruft. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ay, he may decree ; but it is I that muft 
 execute. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 But fuppofe he has given his word. 
 
 JULIET. 
 Why then let him recal it again. 
 
 B E v E R. 
 
 But are you fure you (hall have courage 
 enough 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 To fay No ? That requires much refo- 
 lution indeed. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Then I am at the height of my hopes. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Your hopes ! Your hopes and your fears 
 
 are ill-founded alike, 
 
 BE-
 
 4* THE PATRON. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Why, you are determined not to be his. 
 
 JULIET. 
 Well, and what then ? 
 
 BE VER. 
 What then ! why then you will be mine. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Indeed ! and is that the natural confe- 
 quence ? Whoever won't be his, mufl be 
 yours. Is that tlu logrc of Oxford ? 
 
 B E VER. 
 Madam, I did flatter myfelf 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Then you did very wrong, indeed, Mr. 
 Bever : you fhould ever guard againft flat- 
 tering yourfelf j for of all dangerous para- 
 fites, felf is the worft. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 I am aftonifli'd ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Aflonifli'd ! you are mad, I believe ! 
 Why, I have not known you a month. It 
 is true, my uncle fays your father is his 
 friend ; your fortune, in time, will be eafy j 
 your figure is not remarkably faulty ; and 
 as to your underftanding;, paiTable enough 
 for a young fellow who has not feen much 
 of the world : bat when one talks of a 
 hulband Lord, it's quite another fort of 
 
 a Ha,
 
 THE PATRON. 43 
 
 a Ha, ha, ha ! Poor Bever, how he flares! 
 he ftands like a ftatue ! 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Statue indeed, Madam ; I am very near 
 petrified. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Even then you will make as good a huf- 
 band as Ruft. But go, run, and join the 
 aflembly within: be attentive to every 
 word, motion, and look of my uncle's; 
 be dumb when he fpeaks, admire all he 
 fays, laugh when he fmirks, bow when he 
 fneezes ; in fhort, fawn, flatter, and cringe ; 
 don't be afraid of over-loading his fto- 
 mach, for the knight has a noble digeftion, 
 and you will find fome there who will keep 
 you in countenance. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 I fly. So then, Juliet, your intention 
 was only to try 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 ^ Don't plague me with impertinent quef- 
 tions : march ! obey my directions. We 
 muft leave the iflue to Chance ; a greater 
 friend to mankind than they are willing to 
 own. Oh, if any thing new fhould oc- 
 cur, you may come into the drawing-room 
 for further intfrudtions. [Exeunt federally. 
 
 s 
 
 SCENE
 
 44 THE PATRON. 
 
 SCENE a Room in Sir THOMAS LOFTY'S 
 Houfe. 
 
 Sir THOMAS, RUST, PUFF, DACTYL, 
 
 and others, difcovered Jit ting. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Nothing new to-day from ParnafTus ? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Not that I hear. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Nothing critical, philofophical, or po- 
 litical ? 
 
 PUFF. 
 Nothing. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Then in this difette, this dearth of in- 
 vention, give me leave, gentlemen, to di- 
 flribute my (lores. I have here in my 
 hand a little, (mart, fatyrical epigram j new, 
 and prettily pointed : in mort, a production 
 that Martial himfelf would not have blum'd 
 to acknowledge. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Your own, Sir Thomas ? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 O fye ! no j fent me this morning, ano- 
 nymous. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Pray, Sir Thomas, let us have it. 
 
 ALL.
 
 THE PATRON, 45 
 
 ALL. 
 
 By all means ; by all means. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 To PHILLIS. 
 Think'ft thou, fond Phillis, Strephon told thee 
 
 true, 
 
 Angels are painted fair to look like you : 
 Another ftory all the town will tell ; 
 Phillis paints fair to look like an an-gel. 
 
 ALL. 
 Fine ! fine ! very fine ! 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Such an eafe and fimplicity. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 The turn fo unexpected and quick. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 The fatire fo poignant. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Yes ; I think it poflefTes, in an eminent 
 degree, the three great epigrammatical re- 
 quifites ; brevity, familiarity, and feverity. 
 
 Phillis paints fair to look like an an-gel. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Happy ! Is the Phillis, the fubjedl, a 
 fecret ? 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Oh, dear me ! nothing perfonal ; no ; an 
 impromptu \ a mere jeu d'efprit. 
 
 PUFF.
 
 46 THE PATRON. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Then, Sir Thomas, the fecret is out; it 
 is your own. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 That was obvious enough. 
 
 PUFF. 
 Who is there elfe could have wrote it ? 
 
 RUST. 
 True, true. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 The name of the author is needlefs. So 
 it is an acquifition to the republic of let- 
 ters, any gentleman may claim the merit 
 that will. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 What a noble contempt ! 
 
 DACTYL. 
 What greatnefs of mind ! 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Scipio and Lielius were the Roman Loftys. 
 Why, I dare believe Sir Thomas has been 
 the making of half the authors in town : 
 he is, as I may lay, the great manufacturer ; 
 the other poets are but pedlars, that live by 
 retailing his wares. 
 
 ALL. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha ! well obferv'd, Mr. Ruft. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha ! Mole atqu? facetum* Why, 
 to purfue the metaphor, if Sir Thomas Lofty 
 
 was
 
 THE PATH ON. 47 
 
 was to call in his poetical debts, I believe 
 there would be a good many bankrupts in 
 the Mufe's Gazette. 
 
 ALL. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 But, a propos 9 gentlemen ; with regard 
 to the eclipfe : you found my calculation 
 exacl: ? 
 
 DACTYL. 
 To a digit. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Total darknefs, indeed ! and birds going 
 to rooft ! Thofe philomaths, thofe almanack- 
 makers, are the moft ignorant rafcals 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 It is amazing where Sir Thomas Lofty 
 ftores all his knowledge. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 It is wonderful how the mind of man 
 can contain it. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Why, to tell you the truth, that cir- 
 cumftance has a good deal engag'd my at- 
 tention ; and I believe you will admit my 
 method of folving the phenomenon philo- 
 fophical and ingenious enough. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Without queftion. 
 
 ALL.
 
 48 THE PATRON. 
 
 ALL. 
 
 Doubtlefs. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 I fuppofe, gentlemen, my memory, or 
 mind, to be a cheft of drawers, a kind of 
 bureau ; where, in feparate cellules, my 
 different knowledge on different fubjedts is 
 
 ftor'd. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 A prodigious difcovery ! 
 ALL. 
 
 Amazing ! 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 To this cabinet volition, or will, has a 
 key; fo, v.hen an arduous iubjedl occurs, I 
 unlock my bureau, pull out the particular 
 drawer, and am fupply'd with what I want 
 in an inftant. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 A Malbranch ! 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 A Boyle ! 
 
 ALL. 
 
 A Locke! 
 
 Enter SERVANT. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 Mr. Bever. [Exit. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 A young gentleman from Oxford, re- 
 commended to my care by his father. The 
 
 univerfity
 
 THE PATRON; 49 
 
 univerfity has given him a good folid Doric 
 foundation ; and when he has receiv'd from 
 you a few Tufcan touches, the Ionic and 
 Corinthian graces, I make no doubt but he 
 will prove a compofite pillar to the repub- 
 lic of letters. \Enter BEVER.] This, Sir, 
 is the fchool from whence fo many capital 
 matters have ifTued -, the river that enriches 
 the regions of fcience. 
 
 D ACT YL. 
 
 Of which river, Sir Thomas, you are the 
 fource : here we quaff; et purpureo bibi- 
 mus ore neffar. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Purpureo ! Delicate, indeed ! Mr. Dac- 
 tyl. Do you hear, Mr. Bever ? Bibimus 
 ore neffar. You, young gentleman, mult 
 be inftru&ed to quote ; nothing gives a pe- 
 riod more fpirit than a happy Latin quota- 
 tion, nor has indeed a finer erTedl at the 
 head of an eflay, Poor Dick Steel ! I have 
 oblig'd him with many a motto for his fu- 
 gitive pieces. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 Ay, and with the contents too; or Sir 
 Richard is fouly bely'd. 
 
 ILnter S E R v A N T, 
 SERVANT. 
 
 Sir Roger Dowlas. 
 
 D Sir
 
 5 o THE PATRON. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Pray define him to enter. [Exit Servant.] 
 Sir Roger, Gentlemen, is a confiderable 
 Eaft-India proprietor ; and fecms defirous 
 of collecting from this learned aflembly 
 fome rhetorical flowers, which he hopes to 
 ftrew> with honour to him lei f, and advan- 
 tage to the company, at Merchant- Taylors- 
 Hall. \Enter Sir ROGER DOWLAS.] Sir 
 Roger, be feated. This gentleman has, in 
 common with the greatcil orator the world 
 ever faw, a fmall natural infirmity ; he flut- 
 ters a little : but I have prefcrib'd the; lame 
 remedy that Dernofthenes us'd, and don't 
 defpair of a radical cure. Well, Sir, have 
 you digefted thofe general rules ? 
 
 Sir ROGER. 
 
 Pr ett-y'wcll, I am obli g'd to you, Sir 
 Thomas. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Have you been regular in taking your 
 tincture of fage, to give you confidence for 
 fpeaking in public? 
 
 Sir R O G E R. 
 
 Y es, Sir Thomas. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Did you open at the laft general court ? 
 
 Sir ROGER. 
 
 I attem p-ted four or fi ve times. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE PATRON. 51 
 
 Sir T H M A S. 
 
 What hinder'd your progrefs ? 
 
 Sir ROGER. 
 
 The pe-b-blcs. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Oh, the pebbles in his mouth. But they 
 are only put in to praclife in private ; you 
 fhould take them out when you are addref- 
 ' fing the public. 
 
 Sir R O G E R. 
 
 Yes -, I will for the future. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Well, Mr. Ruft, you had a tete-a-tete 
 with my niece. A propos, Mr. Bever, here 
 offers a fine occafion for you; we (hall take 
 the liberty to trouble your Mufe on their 
 nuptials, O Love ! O Hymen f here prune 
 thy purple wings ; trim thy bright torch. 
 Hey, Mr. Bever? 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 My talents are at Sir Thomas Lofty's di- 
 rection ; tho' I muft defpair of producing 
 any performance worthy the attention of fo 
 compleat a judge of the elegant arts. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Too modeft, good Mr. Bever. Well, Mr. 
 Ruft, any new acquifition, fince our laft 
 meeting, to your matchlels collection ? 
 
 D 2 R'UST,
 
 5 i THEPATRON. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Why, Sir Thomas, I have both loft and 
 gain'd (ince I faw you. 
 
 fir THOMAS. 
 
 Loft ! I am forry for that. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 The curious farcophagus, that was fent 
 me from Naples by Signior Belloni 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 You mean the urn that was fuppos'd to 
 contain the duft of Agrippa ! 
 
 RUST. 
 Suppos'd ! no doubt but it did. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I hope no finifter accident to that inefti- 
 mable relic of Rome. 
 
 RUST. 
 It's gone. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Gone! oh, illiberal! What, ftolen, I 
 fuppofe, by ibme connoiffcur ? 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Worfe, worfe ! a prey, a martyr to igno- 
 rance : a houfermid, that I hir'd laft week, 
 miftook it for a broken green chamber-pot, 
 and fent it away in the duft-cart. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 She merits impaling. Oh, the Hun ! 
 
 D AC.
 
 THE PATRON. 53 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 The Vandal ! 
 
 ALL. 
 
 The Vifigoth ! 
 
 RUST. 
 
 But I have this day acquir'd a treafure 
 that will in fome meafure make me amends. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Indeed 1 what can that be ? 
 PUFF. 
 
 That mtift be fomething curious, indeed. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 It has coft me infinite trouble to get it. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 Great rarities are not had without pains. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 It is three months ago fince I got the firft 
 fcent of it, and I have been ever fince on 
 the hunt j but all to no purpofe. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 I am quite upon thorns till I fee it. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 And yefterday, when I had given it over, 
 when all my hopes were grown defperate, 
 it fell into my hands, by the moft unex- 
 pected and wonderful accident. 
 
 Sir T El O M A S. 
 
 Quod optanti divum promittere nemo 
 Auderet^ volvenda dies en attullt ultro. 
 Mr. Bever, you remark my quotation ? 
 
 D3 BEVER.
 
 54 THE PATRON. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Moft happy. Oh, Sir, nothing you fay 
 
 can be loft. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 I have brought it here in my pocket; I 
 am no churl j I love to pleafure my friends. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 You are, Mr. Ruft, extremely obliging. 
 
 ALL. 
 
 Very kind, very obliging indeed. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 It was not much hurt by the fire. 
 
 Sir I 1 H O M A S. 
 
 Very fortunate. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 The edges are foil'd by the link ; but ma- 
 ny of the letters are exceedingly legible. 
 
 Sir ROGER. 
 
 A li ttle roo m, if you p leafe. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Here it is ; the precious remains of the 
 very North-Briton that was burnt at the 
 Royal-Exchange. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Number forty-five ? 
 
 RUST. 
 The fame. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 You are a lucky man, Mr. Ruft. 
 
 RUST.
 
 THE PAT RON. 55 
 
 x R U S T. 
 
 I think fo. But, Gentlemen, I hope I 
 need not give you a caution : hufh iilcnce 
 no words on this master. 
 DACTYL. 
 
 You may depend upon us. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 For as the paper has not fuffer'd the law, 
 I don't know whether they may not feize it 
 again. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 With us you are fafe, Mr. Ruft. Well, 
 young gentleman, you fee we cultivate all 
 branches of fcience. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Amazing, indeed ! But when we confidtr 
 you, Sir Thomas, as the directing, the ru- 
 ling planet, our wonder fubfides in an in- 
 ftant. Science firft faw the day-with So- 
 crates in the Attic portico ; her early years 
 were fpent withTully in the Tuiculan'ihade; 
 but her ripe, maturer hours, me enjoy* with 
 Sir Thomas Lofty, near Cavendifh Square. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 The moft claffical compliment I ever re- 
 ceiv'd. Gentlemen, a phiiofophical repaft 
 attends your acceptance within. Sir Roger, 
 you'll lead the way. [Exeunt fill but Sir 
 Thomas and Bever.] Mr. Bever, may I 
 beg your ear for a moment ? Mr. Bever, the 
 D 4 friend.
 
 56 T H E P A T R O N. 
 
 friendfhip I have for your father fecur'd you 
 at firft a gracious reception from me-, but 
 vvh.it I then paid to an old obligation, is 
 now, Sir, due to your own particular merit. 
 
 B E v E R. 
 I am happy, Sir Thomas, if 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Your patience. There is in you, Mr. 
 Bever, a fire of imagination, a quicknefs of 
 apprehension, a folidity of judgment, join'd 
 to a depth of difcretion, that I never yet met 
 with in any fubjecl at your time of life. 
 BEVER. 
 
 I hope I mall never forfeit 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I am fure you never will ; and to give you 
 a convincing proof that I think fo, I am 
 now going to truft you with the moft im- 
 portant fecret of my whole life. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Your -confidence does me great honour. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 But this muft be on a certain condition. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Name it. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 That you give me your folemn prpmife to 
 comply with one requeft I mail make you. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 There is nothing Sir Thomas Lofty can 
 afk, that I fhall not chearfully grant. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE PATRON. 57 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Nay, in fad: it will be ferving yourfelf. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 I want no fuch inducement. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Enough. But we can't be too private. 
 [Shuts the door.} Sit you down. Your Chri- 
 ftian name, I think, is 
 
 B E v E R. 
 Richard. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 True ; the fame as your father's. Come, 
 let us be familiar. It is, 1 think, dear Dick,- 
 acknowledg'd, that the Englifh have reach'd 
 the higheft pitch of perfection in every de- 
 partment of writing but one the dramatic. 
 
 BE VER. 
 Why, the French critics are a little fevere. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 And with reafon. Now, to refcue our 
 credit, and at the fame time give my country 
 a model, [fhews a manufcript\ fee here. 
 BpVER. 
 
 A play ? 
 
 Sir T H Q M A S. 
 
 A chef d'oeuvre. 
 
 BE VER." 
 
 Your own ? 
 
 Sir THOM A S. 
 
 gpeak lower. I am the author. 
 
 B E V E R,
 
 58 THE PATRON 
 
 B E VER. 
 
 Nay, then there can be no doubt of it's 
 merit. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I think not. You will be charm'd with 
 the fubjc<ft. 
 
 BE VE R. 
 What is it, Sir Thomas ? 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 I {hall furprize you. The ftory of Ro- 
 bin Crufoe. Are not you ftruck ? 
 
 BEYER. 
 
 Moft prodigioufly. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Yes; I knew the very title would hit you. 
 You will find the whole fable is finely con- 
 ducted, and the character of Friday, qua/is 
 ab incepto, nobly fupported throughout. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 A pretty difficult tafk. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 True j that was not a bow for a boy. The 
 piece has long been in rehearfal at Drury- 
 lane playhoufe, and this night is to make 
 it's appearance. 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 To-night ? 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 This night. 
 
 B E VER. 
 
 I will attend, and engage all my friends 
 to fupport it. 
 
 Sir
 
 THEPATRON. 59 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 That is not my purpofe ; the piece will 
 want no fuch affiftance. 
 
 BE VE R. 
 I beg pardon. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 The manager of that houfe (who you 
 know is a writer himfelf), finding all the 
 anonymous things he produc'd (indeed fome 
 of them wretched enough, and very un- 
 worthy of him) plac'd to his account by 
 the public, is determin'd to exhibit no more 
 without knowing the name of the author. 
 B E v E R. 
 
 A reafonable caution. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Now, upon my promife (for I appear to 
 patronize the play) to announce the author 
 before the curtain draws up, Robinfon Cru- 
 foe is advertis'd for this evening. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Oh, then, you will acknowledge the piece 
 to be your's ? 
 
 Sir THOM AS. 
 
 No. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 How then ? 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 My defign is to give it to you. 
 BEVER. 
 
 To me ! 
 
 Sir
 
 60 T H E P A T R O N. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 To you. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 What, me the author of Robinfon Crufoe I 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Ay. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Lord, Sir Thomas, it will^never gain cre- 
 dit : fo compieat a production the work of 
 a ftripling ! Be fides, Sir, as the merit is 
 your's, why rob yourfelf of the glory ? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I am entirely indifferent to that. 
 BEVER. 
 
 Then why take the trouble ? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 My fondnefs for letters, and love of my 
 country. Betides, dear Dick, though the 
 pauci Gf felefli, the chofen few, know the 
 full value of a performance like this, yet 
 the ignorant, the profane, (by much the 
 majority,) will be apt to think it an occupa- 
 tion ili-fuited to my time of life. 
 
 BEVER. 
 Their cenfure is praife. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Doubtlefs. But indeed my principal* mo- 
 tive is my friend (hip for you. You are now a 
 candidate for literary honours, and I am de- 
 
 termin'd
 
 THE PATRON, 61 
 
 termin'd to fix your fame on an immoveable 
 bafis. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 You are moft exceffively kind j but there 
 is fomething fo difingenuous in ftealing re- 
 putation from another man 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Idle punctilio ! 
 
 BEVE R. 
 
 It puts me fo in mind of the daw in the 
 fable 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Come, come, dear Dick, I won't fuffer 
 your modeAy to murder your fame. But 
 the company will fufpect fomething ; we 
 will join them, and proclaim you the au- 
 thor. There, keep the copy ; to you I 
 confign it for everj it mail be a fecret to 
 lateft pofterity. You will be fmother'd with 
 praife by our friends j they mail all in their 
 bark to the playhoufe, and there 
 
 Attendant fail, 
 
 Purfue the triumph, and partake the gale. 
 
 \Exeunt. 
 
 END of the SECOND ACT. 
 
 ACT.
 
 THE PATRON. 
 
 ACT III. Scene continues. 
 
 Enter B E v E R, reading. 
 
 SO ends the firft aft. Come, now for 
 the fecond. " Aft the fecond, fliew- 
 ing" the coxcomb has prefac'd every aft 
 with an argument too, in humble imitation, 
 I warrant, of Monf. Diderot " (hewing 
 the fatal effefts of difobedience to parents ;" 
 with, I fuppofe, the diverting fcene of a 
 gibbet j an entertaining fubjeft for come- 
 dy. And the blockhead is as prolix every 
 fcene as long as a homily. Let's lee ; how 
 does this end ? " Exit Crufoe, and enter 
 fome favages, dancing a faraband." There's 
 no bearing this -abominable trafti. \Rnter 
 JULIET.] So, Madam; thanks to your ad- 
 vice and direction, I am got into a fine iitua- 
 tion. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 What is the matter now, Mr. Bevcr ? 
 B E VER. 
 
 The Robinfon CruToe. 
 
 JU-
 
 THEPATRON. 63 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Oh, the play that is to be aded to-night. 
 How fecret you were ? Who in the world 
 would have guefs'd you was the author ? 
 
 BE VER. 
 Me, Madam ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Your title is odd ; but to a genius every 
 fubject is good. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 You are inclin'd to be pleafant: 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Within they have been all prodigious loud 
 in the praife of your piece j but I think my 
 uncle rather more eager than any. 
 
 B E VE R. 
 
 He has reafon j for fatherly fondnefs goes 
 far. 
 
 JULIET. 
 I don't underftand you. 
 
 B E v E R. 
 You don't ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 No. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Nay, Juliet, this is too much ; you know 
 it is none of my play. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Whofe then ? 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Your uncle's. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 My uncle's ! then how, in the name of 
 
 wonder, came you to adopt it ? 
 
 BE VER.
 
 64 THE PATRON. 
 
 B E VE R. 
 
 At his earned requeft. I may be a fool -, 
 but remember, Madam, you are the caufe. 
 
 j u L ; E T. 
 
 This is ftrange j but I can't conceive what 
 his motive could be. 
 
 B E VER. 
 
 His motive is obvious enough ; to fcreen 
 himfelf from the infamy of being the author. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 What, is it bad, then > 
 B E V E R. 
 Bad ! mofl infernal ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 And you have conicntcd to own it ? 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Why, what could 1 do ? he in a manner 
 compell'd me. 
 
 JULIET. 
 I am extremely glad of it. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Glad of it ! why, I tell you 'tis the moft 
 dull, tedious, melancholy 
 
 JULIET. 
 So much the better. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 The moft flat piece of frippery that ever 
 Giubftreet produc'd. 
 
 JULIET. 
 So much the better. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 It will be damn'd before the third aft. 
 
 JULIET.
 
 THE PATRON. 65 
 
 JULIET. 
 So much the better. 
 
 SEVER. 
 
 And I {hall be hooted and pointed at where- 
 ever I go. 
 
 JULIET. 
 So much the better. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 So much the better ! zounds ! fo, I fuppofe, 
 you would fay if I was going to be hang'd. 
 Do you call this a mark of your friendship ? 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Ah, Bever, Bever ! you are a miferable 
 politician. Do you know, now, that this is the 
 luckiefl incident that ever occurr'd ? 
 
 B E VE&. 
 Indeed ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 It could not have been better laid, had we 
 plann'd it ourfelves. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 You will pardon my want of . conception: 
 but thefe are riddles 
 
 JULIET, 
 
 That at prefent I have not time to explain. 
 But what makes you loit'ring here ? Paft fix 
 o'clock, as I live ! Why, your play is begun ; 
 run, run to the houfe. Was ever author fo 
 little anxious for the fate of his piece ? 
 BEVER. 
 
 My piece ! 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 $ir Thomas ! I know by his walk. Fly, and 
 E pray
 
 66 THE PATRON. 
 
 pray all the way for the fall of your play. And, 
 do you hear, if you find the audience too in- 
 djil^ent, inclin'd to be milky, rather than fail, 
 fqueeze in a little acid yourlelf, Oh, Mr. 
 Bever, at your return, let me fee you, before 
 you go to my uncle ; that is, if you have the 
 good look to be damn'd. 
 
 BEVER. 
 You need not doubt that. \Exit. 
 
 Enter Sir THOMAS LOFTY. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 So, Juliet ; Was not that Mr. Bever ? 
 JULIET. 
 
 Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 J-Ie is rather tardy ; by this time his caufe 
 is come on. And how is the young gentleman 
 affected ? for this is a trying occafion. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 He feems pretty certain, Sir. 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Indeed I think he has very little reafon fo 
 fear: I confels I admire the piece; and feel a 
 much for it's fate as if the work was my own 
 JULIET. 
 
 That 1 mofl finccrely bdieve. I wonder, 
 3ir, you did not choofe to be prefent. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Better not. My affections are ftrong, Juliet, 
 sr.c! my nerves but tenderly ftrung however, 
 
 intel-
 
 THE PATRON. 67 
 
 intelligent people are planted, who will bring 
 jiie every ad: a faithful account of the procefs. 
 
 JULIET. 
 That will anfwer your purpofe as well. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Indeed, I am paffionately fond of the arts, and 
 therefore can't help did not fomebody knock ? 
 no. My good girl, will you ftep, and take care 
 that when any body comes the fervants may 
 not be out of the way. [Exit Juliet.] Five and 
 thirty miputes paft fix ; by this time the firft 
 act muft be over : John will be prefently here. 
 I think it can't fail -, yet there isfo much whim 
 and caprice in the public opinion, that This 
 young man is unknown j they'll give him no 
 credit. I had better have own'd it myfelf: Re- 
 putation goes a great way in thefe matters : 
 people are afraid to find fault ; they are cautious 
 in cenfuring the works of a man who hu&! 
 that's he : no ; 'tis only the mutters. After 
 all, I think J have chofe the beft way : for, if 
 it fucceeds to the degree I expect, it will be 
 eafy to circulate the real name of the author -, 
 if it fails, I am concealed , my fame fufTers 
 no There he is. [Loud knocking.'] I can't 
 conceive what kept him fo long. [Enter JOHN.] 
 So, John j well; and but you have been a 
 monilrous while. 
 
 JOHN. 
 
 Sir, I was wedged fo clofe in the pit that I 
 could fcarctly get out. 
 
 E 2 Sir
 
 63 THE PATRON. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 The houfe was full then ? 
 
 JOHN 
 
 As an egg, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 That's right. Well John, and did mat- 
 ters go fwimmingly ? hey ? 
 JOHN. 
 Exceedingly well, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Exceedingly well. I don't doubt it. What, 
 vaft clapping and roars of applaufe, i fuppofe. 
 
 J o II N. 
 Very well, Sir. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Very well, Sir! You are damn'd coftive, J 
 think. But did not the pit and boxes thun- 
 der again ? 
 
 J O H N. 
 I can't fry there was over-much thunder. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 No 1 Oh, attentive, I reckon. Ay, attention! 
 that is the true, folid, fubftantial applaufe. All 
 elfe may be purchafed ; hands move as they 
 are bid : but when the audience is huflied Hill, 
 afraid of loiing a word, then--- 
 
 J O H N. 
 Yes, they were very quiet indeed, Sir. 
 
 Sir T H O ivl A S. 
 
 I like them tr.e better, John ; a ftrong mark 
 cf their great icciibility. Did you fee Robin ? 
 
 JOHlf
 
 T H E PA T R O N. 69 
 
 JOHN. 
 
 Yes, Sir ; he'll be here in a trice j I left him 
 lift'nmg at the back of the boxes, and charg'd 
 him to make all the hade home that he could 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 That's right, John ; very well ; your account 
 pleafes me much, honeft John. [Exit John.] 
 No, I did not expect the firft act would produce 
 any prodigious effed. And, after all, the firfl 
 ad: is but a mere introduction ; juft opens the 
 bufinefs, the plot, and gives a little infight into 
 the characters : fo that if you but engage and 
 intereft the houfe, it is as much as the beft 
 writer can flatt \knocking ivttkcut] Gadib ! 
 what, Robin already ! why the fellow has the 
 feet of a Mercury. { Enter Robin.] Well, 
 Robin, and what news do you bring ? 
 ROBIN. 
 
 Sir, T, I, I, 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Stopi Robin, and recover your breath. Now, 
 
 Robin. 
 
 ROBIN. 
 There has been a woundy uproar below. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 An uproar ! what, at the play houfe ? 
 ROBIN. 
 
 Ay: 
 
 S> T H O M A S. 
 
 At what ? 
 
 ROBIN. 
 
 I don't know: belike at the words the play- 
 folk were talking. 
 
 E 3 Sir
 
 7& THE PATRON. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 At the players ! how can that be ? Oh, now" 
 I begin to conceive. Poor fellow, he knows but 
 little of plays. What, Robin, I fuppofe, hal- 
 lowing, and clapping, and knocking of flicks ? 
 
 ROBIN. 
 Hallowing ! .ay, and hooting too. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 And hooting ! 
 
 ROBIN. 
 Ay, and hilling to boot. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Hiding ! you mud be miftaken. 
 
 ROBIN. 
 By the mafs, but I am not. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Impoflible! Oh, moil likely fome drunken r 
 diforderly fellows, that were difturbing the 
 houfe and interrupting the play ; too common 
 a cafe; the people were right: theydeferv'd a re- 
 buke. Did not you hear them cry Out, out, out ? 
 ROBIN. 
 
 Noa j that was not the cry; 'twas Off, off, off ! 
 
 SJr THOMAS. 
 
 That was a whimfical noife. Zounds ! that 
 muft be the players. Did you obferve nothing 
 
 elfe? 
 
 ROBIN. 
 
 Belike the quarrel firft began between the 
 gentry and a black-a-moor man. 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 With Friday ! The public tafte is debauch- 
 ed
 
 THE PATRON, 71 
 
 d ; honeft nature is too plain and fimple for 
 their vitiated palates ! [Enter JULIET.] Juliet, 
 Robin brings me the ftrangeft' account; fome 
 little difturbance ; but I fuppofe it was foon 
 fettled again. Oh, but here comes Mr. Stay- 
 tape, my taylor ; he is a rational being ; we 
 ihall be able to make fornething of him. [En- 
 ter STAYTAPE.] So, Stay tape 5 what, is the 
 third acl: over already ? 
 
 STAYTAPE. 
 
 Over, Sir ! no ; nor never will be 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 What do you mean ? 
 
 STAYTAPE. 
 
 Cut fhort. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I don't comprehend you. 
 
 STAYTAPE. 
 
 Why, Sir, the poet has made a miftake in' 
 meafuring the tafte of the town ; the goods, it 
 feems, did not fit; fo they return'd them upon 
 the gentleman's hands. 
 
 Sir T H O'M AS. 
 
 Rot your .affe&ation and quaintnefs, you ; 
 puppy! fpeak plain. 
 
 STAYTAPE. 
 
 Why then, Sir, Robinfon Crufoe is dead 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Dead ! 
 
 STAYTAPE. 
 
 Ay; and, what is worfe, will never rife any 
 
 more. You Will foon have all the particulars; 
 
 * E 4 for
 
 72 T H E P A T R O N. 
 
 for there were four or five of your friends clofe 
 at my heels. 
 
 Sir THO M A S. 
 
 Staytape, Juliet, run and ftop them ; fay I 
 am gone out ; I am fick ; I am engaged : but, 
 whatever you do, be lure you don't let Bever 
 come in. Secure of the victory, I invited them 
 to the celebr 
 
 STAYTAPE. 
 Sir, they are here. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 Confound 
 
 Enter PUFF, DACTYL, and RUST. 
 
 R U S T. 
 
 Ay, truly, Mr. Puff, this is but a bitter be- 
 ginning ; then the young ir.;:n muft turn him- 
 lelf to fome other trade. 
 
 p UFF: 
 
 Servant, Sir Thomas; I fuppofe you have 
 heard the news of- 
 sir THOMAS. 
 Yes, yes ; I have been told it before. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 I confefs I did not fufpedt it ; but there is no 
 knowing what effect thefe things will have, till 
 they come on the flage. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 For my part, I don't know much of thefe 
 matters j but a couple of gentlemen near me, 
 who fccm'd fagacious enough too, declar'd that 
 it was the vileft fluff they ever had heard, and 
 wonder'd the players would act it. 
 
 Yes 5
 
 T H E P A T R O N 73 
 
 DACTYL. 
 
 Yes j I don't remember to have feen a more 
 general diflike. 
 
 PUFF. 
 
 I was thinking to alk you, Sir Thomas, for 
 your intereft with Mr. Bever about buying the 
 copy : but now no mortal would read it. Lord, 
 Sir, it would not pay for paper and printing. 
 RUST. 
 
 I remember Rennet, in his Roman Antiqui- 
 ties, mentions a play of Terence's, Mr. Dac- 
 tyl, that was terribly treated ; but that he at- 
 tributes to the people's fondnefs for certain 
 funambuli, or rope-dancers j but I have not 
 lately heard of any famous tumblers in town : 
 Sir Thomas, have you ? 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 How mould I ; do you iuppofe I trouble my 
 head about tumblers ? 
 
 RUST. 
 Nay, I did not 
 
 BEVER, fpeak'.?rg without. . 
 
 Not to be fpoke with ! Don't tell me, Sir; 
 he mud, he fhall. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Mr. Bever's voice. If he is admitted in his 
 prefent difpofition, the whole fecret will cer- 
 tainly out. Gentlemen, fome affairs of a moft 
 interefting nature makes it impoffiblc for me to 
 have the honour of your company to-night ; 
 
 therefore I beg you would be fo good as to 
 D J RUST.
 
 fa THE PATRON. 
 
 RUST. 
 Affairs ! no bad news ? I hope Mifs Jule is we'll.' 
 
 x Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Very well ; but I am moft exceedingly 
 
 RUST. 
 
 I (hall only jufl. flay to fee Mr. Bever. Poor' 
 lad ! he will be moft horribly down in the 
 mouth : a little comfort won't come amifs. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Mr. Bever, Sir ! you won't fee him here, 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Not here ! why I thought I heard his voice- 
 but iuft now. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 You are miftaken Mr. Ruft $ but 
 
 RUST. 
 
 May be foj then we will go. Sir Thomas,- 
 my compliments of condolance, if you pleafe, 
 
 to the poet. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Ay, ay. 
 
 DACTYL. 
 And mine ; for I fuppofe we fha'n't fee him 
 
 foon. 
 
 UFF. 
 
 Poor gentleman ! I warrant he won't mew 
 his head for thefe fix months. 
 RUST. 
 
 Ay, ay : indeed I am very forry for him; fo 
 tell him, Sir. 
 
 DACTYL and PUFF. 
 
 So are we. 
 
 RUST.
 
 THE PATRON. . 75 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Sir Thomas, your fervant. Come, Gentle- 
 men. By all this confufion in Sir Thomas, there 
 muft be fomething more in the wind than I 
 know 5 but I will watch, I am refolv'd. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 B E V<E R, without. 
 
 Rafcals, ftand by ! I muft, I will fee him. 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 So, Sir ; this is delicate treatment, after all 
 I have fuffer'd. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Mr. Bsver, I hope you don't- -that is 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Well, Sir Thomas Lofty, what think you now 
 of your Robin fonCru foe? a pretty performance! 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Think, Mr. Bever ! I think the public are 
 blockheads ; a taftelefs, ftupid,- ignorant tribe ; 
 and a man of genius deferves to be damn'd who 
 writes any thing for them. But courage, dear 
 Dick T the principals will give you what the 
 people refufe ; the clofet will do you that juf- 
 tice the (tage has deny'd : print your play. 
 BEVER. 
 
 My play ! zounds, Sir, 'tis your own. 
 
 Sir T H O M,A S. 
 
 Speak lower, dear Dick ; be moderate, my 
 
 good, dear lad ! 
 
 BEVER. 
 
 Oh, Sir Thomas, you may be eafy enough ; 
 
 you
 
 76 THE PATRON. 
 
 you are fafe and fccure, remov'd far from that 
 precipice that has darned me to pieces. 
 
 Sir T H OM A S. 
 
 Dear Dick, don't believe it will hurt you. 
 The critics, the real judges, will difcover in 
 that piece fuch excellent talents 
 SEVER. 
 
 No, Sir Thomas, no. I fhall neither flat- 
 ter you nor myfelf j I have acquired a right to 
 fpeak what I think. Your play, Sir, is a 
 wretched performance ; and in this opinion all 
 mankind are united. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 May be not. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 If your piece had been greatly receiv'd, I 
 would have declared Sir Thomas Lofty the au- 
 t'lor; if coldly, I would have owned it my- 
 lelf: but fuch difgraceful, fuch contemptible 
 treatment ! I own the burthen is too heavy for 
 me 5 fo, Sir, you muft bear it yourfelf. 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Me, dear Dick ! what to become ridicu- 
 lous in the decline of my life ; to deftroy in one^ 
 hour the fame that forty years has been build- 
 ing ! that was the prop, the fupport of my 
 age ! Can you be cruel enough to delire it? 
 BE VER. 
 
 Zounds ! Sir, and why muft I be your crutch ? 
 Would you have me become a voluntary victim; 
 No, Sir, this caufe does not merit a martyrdom
 
 THE PATRON. 77 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 I own myfelf greatly oblig'd ; but perfevere, 
 dear Dick, perfevere j you have time to reco- 
 ver your fame : I beg it with tears in my 
 eyes. Another play will 
 B E v E R. 
 
 No, Sir Thomas ; I have done with the 
 flage : the Mufes and I meet no more. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Nay, there are various roads open in life. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Not one, where your piece won't purfue me. 
 If I go to the bar, the ghoft of this curs'd comedy 
 will follow, and hunt me in Weftminfter-hali : 
 nay, when I die, it will flick to my memory, 
 and I (hall be handed down to pofterity with 
 the author of Love in a Hollow Tree. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Then marry : you are a pretty fmart figure; 
 and your poetical talents 
 B E v E R. 
 
 And what fair would admit of my fuit, or 
 family wifh to receive me ? Make the cafe 
 your own, Sir Thomas ; would you ? 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 With infinite pleafure. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 Then give me your niece ; her hand (hall 
 
 feal up my lips. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 What, Juliet ? willingly. But are you fe- 
 ripus, do you really admire the girl ? 
 
 BE VER.
 
 ;S T H E P A T R O N. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 Beyond what words can exprefs. It was by 
 her advice I confented to father your play. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 What, is Juliet appriz'd ? Here, Robin, John, 
 run and call my niece hither this moment. That 
 giddy baggage will blab all in an inftant. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 You are miftaken ; {he is wifer than you are 
 aware of. 
 
 Enter JULIET. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 
 Oh, Juliet ! you know what has happened. 
 
 JULIET. 
 I do, Sir. 
 
 Sir T H O M A S. 
 Have you reveal'd this unfortunate fecret. 
 
 J U L T E T. 
 
 To no mortal, Sir Thomas. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Come, give me your hand. Mr. Bever, 
 child, for my fake, has renounc'd the ftage, 
 and the whole republic of letters ; in return, 
 I owe him your hand. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 My hand ! what .to a poet hooted, hifled, 
 and exploded ! You muft pardon me, Sir. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Juliet, a trifle : the mod they can fay of him 
 is, that he is a little wanting in wit; and he 
 has fo many brother writers to keep him in 
 
 couu-
 
 THE P A t R ON. 79 
 
 Countenance, that now-a-days that is no re- 
 flection at all. 
 
 JULIET. 
 
 Then, Sir, your engagement to Mr. Ruft. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 I have found out the rafcal : he has been 
 more impertinently fevere on my play, than 
 all the reft put together ; fo that I am de- 
 termined he fhall be none of the man. 
 
 Enter RUST. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Are you fo, Sir ? what, then I am to be 
 facrific'd, in order to preferve the fecret that 
 you are a blockhead. But you are out in 
 your politics ; before night it fhall be known 
 in all the cofFee-houfes in town. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 For Heaven's fake, Mr. Ruft ! 
 
 RUST. 
 
 And to-morrow I will paragraph you in 
 every news-paper j you fhall no longer im- 
 pofe on the world ; I will unmafk you > the 
 lion's fkin fhall hide you no longer. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 Juliet I Mr. Bever ! what can I do ? 
 BE VER. 
 
 Sir Thomas, let me manage this matter. 
 Harkec, old gentleman, a word in your ear : 
 you remember what you have in your pocket ? 
 RUST. 
 
 ! how ! what ? 
 
 B E- 
 
 I
 
 8o THE PATRON. 
 
 BE VER. 
 
 The curiofity that has cod you fo much 
 pains. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 What, my ./Eneas ! my precious relift of 
 
 Troy ! 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 You muft give up that, or the lady. 
 
 JULIET. 
 How, Mr. Sever ! 
 
 BE VER. 
 Never fear j I am furc of my man. 
 
 RUST. 
 
 Let me confider As to the girl, girls are 
 plenty enough j I can marry whenever I will : 
 but my paper> .my phenix, that fprings frefh 
 from the flames, that can never be match'd.--- 
 Take her. 
 
 B E V E R. 
 
 And,, as you love your own fecrct, be care- 
 ful of ours. 
 
 RUST. 
 I am dumb. 
 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 Now, Juliet. 
 
 J U L I E T. 
 
 You join me, Sir, to an unfortunate bard, 
 but, to procure your peace-- 
 Sir THOMAS. 
 
 You oblige me for ever. Now the fecret 
 dies with us four. My fault. I owe him much : 
 
 Be it your care to fhevv it ; 
 
 And blefs the man, tho* I have damn'd the poer^ 
 FINIS.
 

 
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