SPENCER'S BOSTON THEATRE No. XCVI. CRINOLINE. INONEACT. •WRITTEN BY i ) ROBERT B. BROUGH, ■ AUTHOR OP The Moustache Movement — Medea — Lord Baleman — Kensington Gardens, dc — And jointly of The Enchanted Isle — Sphinx — Mephistophiles — | Camaralzama7i and Badoura — Last Edition of Ivanhoe — ■ <£c. <£-c. (£c. \ "WITH PBIGINAL CASTS, COSTUMES, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS, CORRECTLY MARKED AND ARRANGED, BY MR. J. B. WRIGHT, ASSISTANT MANAGER LOF THE BOSTON THEATRE. BOSTON: WILLIAM V. SPENCER, 12v WASmKOTOX Street, (cokhsr of Watib.) e? C o ?;l 'O ^ " iJ 3 cs S ;5>oa S£ ° B s.^ f«3S3 <;«Sm i-s o 13 " " - Jr ^ s 5 :-:.= " •^^JZ f^ tD ' :^ £S BZ. r* to ':= t. £-5 2 ," ■Si's c o u^ o o c5 i'~ ■= ;<4 a; r -g '" ct«3 H O fl^ = o £ ^ H ^ tfj S o o — s > t: 1 c M ob ?: ... 'f , K^ ,— e ^^ ? "* .a K m rj Ei G .:^ ■o r s o t _o •a o o •Z, — c A u , .^ 3 o "w "S CS i-5 g B s; s - o c o c "5 ^ ^ "o TO § § 1 ■i >* — 5 H a H a: U 2: - i 2 » ^ s n Z ■S £ S" -g 8 5 ^ t3 Eh §■ c 9 to . to O o ^ 8 ^ 2 S 9 — = ■2 - a S g 3 I I I i 1 I I -5^ >j ^ — 5 2 o. ^Z) p^ IJBRARY w ,/y^ liMMr.HSri Y (H- CALIFORNIA ^1 f^ ^_ SAM'A BAKBAUA CRINOLINE. ACT I. Scene I. — A Sitting Room in Mr. Coobiddy's House, furnished in the style of a comfortable suburban villa. Set door, R. 1 E. ; door in flat, R. H., practical ; centre doors practical, backed with chamber ; win- dow, L. F. ; set door. 1 e. l. h. ; table, loith books on, K. H. ; two chairs on R. h. ; small table and two chairs on 2 e. l. h. Mrs. Coobiddt and Miss Tite discovered seated on R. h. ; the latter in walking costume, and dressed up to the height of the prevailing fashion — large hooped skirt, tight-waisted jacket, small bonnet, S^c. {She is, hoicever, very old and ugly.) Miss T. (l. of table.) O, my love, I assure you, you must have one. It is indispensable, my love — dee rig jewer. In fact you can- not possibly show yourself in the street without one. Toot le mond wears them. Mrs. C. (r. h. of table.) Well, for my own part, do you know, I can't say that I greatly admire them. Miss T. And pray, my dear, what can it matter whether you ad- mire them or not ? I trust you are not going to set up your individ- ual opinion against the fashion. But you really surjirise me by your want of taste. Who can help admiring them ? Observe the majestic and graceful sway they give to the hgure while walking. (Rises, and walks tip and doivn front of stage, wagging her skirt about ridiculously ) And when one has a waist biang tourney, they give one an opportu- nity of showing it, with the assistance of these dear, delightful little jackets. Mrs. C. My husband says the new fashions in dress make a lady look like a perfect bell. Miss T. (Simpering.) O, indeed ! I am glad to find your hus- band a man of taste for once in his life. Mrs. C. For once, inderd ! Well, upon my word ! — But he doesn't mean the sort of bell you do — he means a bell like the great bell of Saint PauFs, or Big Ben. Miss T. Quel monstre ! Mrs. C. (Aside.) O, I'm not going to have my dear Tom called (3) 4 CRIXOLIXE. [act I. names ! and he says a little ^\Tinging at the neck would do you all goo(t for making such frights of yourselves. ^uss T. {Angrili/.) Your husband is a vulgar ^^Tetch ! Ei vooz etcs tin oter, ma'am. Mrs. C. {Risiuff.) But he says you look even more like the dome of St. Paul's than the bcU, and that the pinching in of your waist carries out the resemblance, for it reddens your nose, and makes you show a little cross at the top. Miss T. Did I come here to be insulted ? Par deu toot ! Not if I know it. Mrs. C. ( Warmly.) O, then, if you omy came to insult me and my husband, as 1 have no intention to put up ■\\-ith it, the sooner you get outside of my door the better, if you can squeeze yom-self through it. Miss T. [Ironically.) Exquisite breeding, really ! You are pos- itively a credit to your amiable and gentlemanly husband, in the Manchester trade. {Goitiy up to c. Miis. Coobiddy crosses to L.) I will have the pleasure of leaving you to the enjoyment of his very refined society, (^snappishly,) and wishing him good luck of his pre- cious bargain. Mrs. C. The same to your husband — and I •wish you may get one. Miss T. {Courtesying at c. d.) Madame, jee voo soo wait be hong jour, and many of 'em. (As Miss Tite is about to have the room majestically, she is stuck fast in the doorway with Coobiddy, who is about to enter ; a struggle ensues ; Miss Tite screams.) Coo. Gently, my dear madam ; one at a time, and perhaps we may manage it. (Draws back. Miss Tite /masses him contemptuously, and exit c. D. L. Coobiddy stands in doorway, looking .after her, and calling.) The next time you feel inchned for a moniing-call, I should recommend Buckingham Palace : my staircases are lather naiTOW. (Stands looking after Jier.) Mrs. C. (.'seated, 1 L. c, a7id glancing nervously iotrards door, n.jlai.) The old tabby ! I'm glad I've got rid of her. If I had told her I had ordered one myself, she would have thought I was imitating her. Coo. (Calling off, t. c.) Take the street to the right: it's the broadest. Y'ou might meet a cab in the other, and the consequences would be dreadful. (Comes foncard, looking back occasionally.) Mrs. C. (Aside. Still looking at door, ii. fat.) I wonder if the man would have the sense to escape by the lawn windows ? He must know the importance of secrecy in such cases, and he seemed a very intelligent person. I don't hear any noise. (Turns to her husband, trying to appear unc07icerned.) Well, Tom, dear, are you obliged to start on your journey this afternoon r (Crosses to ii. ii.) Coo. ( Takes chair, and sits, c.) Before I answer that question, Mrs. C, allow me to ask one. Mrs. C. (k. c.) Certainly, Tom. — (Aside.) Can he suspect ? Coo. Are you deeply versed in the Historj' of England ? Mrs. C. I'm sure I don't Imow, Tom. 1 hope 1 learned all that was proper at Mrs. Backboard's. Coo. I have no doubt but you did, -with a great deal that wasn't. SCENE I.] CRINOMXE. 5 into the bargain ; but I do not allude to the ninepenny Pinnock, or the three-and-sixpcnny Goldsmith of the early scholastic period. I would simply ask you, if you are at all versed in the domestic man- ners of our ancestors of the Elizabethan and previous epochs ? 3Irs. C. O, if you are going to use hard words Coo. By no means, my love. I wish to complete your defective education, beginning where the respected Mrs. Backboard appears to have lei't off. In the reign of Queen Elizabeth, my life, and previous- ly, as you may learn from the annals of Stowe and others, it was cus- tomary for the most respectable fathers of families, when their grown up daughters misbehaved, or made fools of themselves, to give the said grown up daughters a thundering good whacking. Mrs. C. How very dreadful ! Coo. Ah, you have no idea hoio dreadful ! for the indignant parent was not legally restricted, like the more frequently indignant hus- band, to a stick no thicker than his thumb, so that the favorite weap- on in such cases was the mopstick. I assure you it did the young ladies a world of good. I never regretted the decay of old English customs more than at the present moment. Mrs. C. Good heavens ! what do you mean ? Coo. Well, it doesn't matter much. I don't suppose that Miss Tite, who has just left us, at her time of life can be blessed with a fa- ther young and strong enough to give her the thi'ashing she requires. But I only know, if I had a wife, daughter, or sister capable of dress- ing herself hi imitation of a summer cabbage, with the stalk upper- most Mrs. C. (^Coaxinrjhj .) Would you beat me with a mopstick, Tom ? Coo. No. I don't say that ; six months with hard labor is a con- sideration in these times, but I would Mrs. C. {^As before.) Apply for a deed of separation, Tom? Coo. There would be no occasion for that ; we should be already separated three or four yards either way, if you wore one of those horsehair — I beg your pardon, — they are made of horsehair, I be- lieve ? Mrs. C Of course, Tom. — {Aside.') I dare not tell him the iron truth. Coo. No ; in that case I should simply claim a legal ratification of the matter. I should say, let my wife enjoy her independent lib- erty within the territories of her horsehair — what do you call it ? — and let me enjoy mine in shigle blessedness, at a considerable distance outside the frontier. Mrs. C. {Aside.) I dare not tell him. Coo. But then, I have no fear of you ; you arc a woman of sense, or you could never have married me. You are the nearest approach on earth to a perfect being, otherwise how could I have fallen in love with you ? But I am uneasy about Bella. Mrs. C. I am sure, Tom, you ought not to be ; she is a dear good girl. Coo. {Rises and crosses to R.) Very likely ; but she is eighteen years of age, and is a fearful responsibility for a young uncle only go- ing on for his thirty. It was rather u mean proceeding on the part of 1 * 6 CRINOLINE. [act I. my bip; brother Joe to die at all ; he was forty-five, and ought to have known better. Mis. C. But I am sure, dear, Bella is all that we could wish. Coo. I don't know ! I don't know ! (TaA-es Mrs. CooniDi)Y_/br- ward, c.) She wants your strength of character and purity of taste. I have already detected a baneful tendency on her part to turn her front hair inside out, and gum it back, so as to show the roots instead of the portion which nature intended to be visible. On the occasion of giving her a paternal salute, I have found a good deal of her com- plexion come off on my coat collar, causing me to remind myself of the jovial miller who resided on the banks of (r.) the River Dee. Take my word for it, ilaria, unless we look verj' sharp after that girl, she'll come to Crinoline yet. Mrs. C. (l., aside.) I wish he was not so prejudiced. I should like to tell him the whole truth. Coo. However, I must be off; the train starts at six. I'm due at Manchester in the morning, — and to thuik that you vnll be obliged to go to the party without me ! Mrs C. Well, you may comfort yourself by knowing that I shan't at all enjoy myself, Tom. Coo. There's something in that, to be sure ; but it is hard when a fellow has a pretty little wife, and a snug little home, to be obliged to leave them for six months in the year. Mrs. C. It is, indeed, Tom. That horrid business ! Coo. Stop a bit ! The business isn't so particularly horrid, after all ; it pays the rent of the snug little house, and stocks the wardrobe of a pretty little wife, not to mention such minor considerations as legs of mutton, coals, boots, assessed taxes, and potatoes. On the whole, I rather like the business than otherwise. Besides, Johnson has prom- ised to take my place as travelling partner, after Christmas. Mrs. C. O', that will be deUghtful ! Coo. "Won't it ? Then we shall begin to enjoy ourselves, if you like little trips in the country. Mrs. C. And now and then a box at the opera. Coo. Now and then ; but as a rule, I prefer Astley's and lobster suppers. Mrs. C. And picnics in the summer. Coo. And you to tie on my shawl every morning, and give me a kiss, and wave your pocket handkerchief to me when I'm top of the 'bus. Mrs. C. And get such nice little dinners ready for you by the time you come home in the evening. Coo. And then shrimps for tea. Mrs. C. And muffins. Coo. And cribbage ; and you not objecting to smoke, and little drops of something warm after supper. O, what a fairy-like exist- ence ! Mrs. C. Delicious. Coo. (Looking at watch.) But, unfortunately, it isn't to come off till after Christmas ; and it's five and twenty minutes to six. I haven't a minute to lose. Eh ! where the dense is — O, I know ! in that room. {Going quickly towards d')or of room in "R., flat.) SCENE I.] CRINOLINE. 7 Mrs. C. (^Hastily intercepting him.) What do you want, dear? Coo. Nothing, only my railway wrapper. Mrs. C. It isn't there, dear. Coo. O yes, it is. I spread it on the sofa when I went to take my nap, to save the cover from my boots. [Gi)iiiff.) Mrs. C. {Deiainiuff him.) Let me get it for you, dear. Coo. Pooh ! I might have got it myself twenty times over by this time. (^Looking at ivatch.) It's only three and twenty minutes to six. Mrs. C. {Detaining him.) No, 'Tom, really you can't go into that room just now. Coo. Why net ? Mrs. C. Well, because you can't. In fact, there's somebody there. Coo. Well, I don't suppose it's any body I need be very much afraid of. {Going.) Mrs. C. No, indeed, Tom, j'ou really must not. — (Aside.) I must tell him a story. Bella is there trying on a new frock body with the dressmaker. Coo. Then why the deuse couldn't you say so before ? I don't want to see Bella trying on her new frock body with the dressmaker. There's my old wrapper in the hall, quite good enough for Manches- ter. By Jove, it only wants one and twenty minutes now ! Come, and help me on with my great coat, and I'll kiss you in the passage. {Going towards c. D.) Enter Bella, door, h. 1 E. Bella. (At door, 1 e. R.) Why, uncle Tom, you're never going with- out saying good by to me, surely ? Coo. Bella ! Mrs. C. (Aside, R. c.) How very unfortunate ! Coo. (c.) Isabella Coobiddy, come here. (Bella advances from door.) Why are you not in that room? Bella. In that room, uncle ? Coo. Yes ; trying on a new frock body, with the dressmaker. (Mrs. Coobiddy makes signs to Bella.) Bella. (Perplexed.) The dressmaker ! O, really, — I, — she's gone, uncle, and I've come out. Cod. May I ask how, Isabella Coobiddy ? Up the chimney ? The unsullied purity of your muslin belies the supposition. Out of the lawn windows ? It's raining cats and dogs, Isabella, though I don't see any ; and, as the sporting gentlemen say, you do not appear to have tiu'ned a hair — and you haven't come through that door, Isa- bella, for I've been watching it. So, in short, how about it ? Mrs. C. Well, Tom, if you must have the truth ! Con. Well, if you happen to have such a thing about you, Mrs. C, I should like it. Mrs. C. Well, then, — I told you a story, — there ! Coo. (Sits, c.) I had anticipated that portion of your narrative by my own unaided intelligence — proceed ! Mrs. C. I had a particular reaton for not wishing you to go into that room. 8 CRINOLINE. [act 1 Coo. "Well, let's hear if it's a good one. Mrs. C. You mustn't ask me to tell it, Tom. Coo. O, you've another particular reason for keeping it dark, have you ? Mrs. Coobiddy, I don't like this. Mrs. C. You, surely, cannot suspect me of any thing ^^Tong ? Coo. {Aside.) "Well, it wouldn't do to confess it before a third party if I did. I don't say that. Mrs. C. But you mean it, apparently, and I won't put up with it ! Here is the key of the room, sir ; use it or not, as you think fit, — only if you do, I warn you, I shall consider it an end to all confidence be- tween us. — {Aside.) He'll never go in after that, surely ! Coo. {Rises, standing undecidedly, and looking icistfully at the key.) "Well, I like that. I do like that ! As if I was the first to withhold confidence ! You know, Maria, I have no secrets fron\ you. "Why, the other night, when I came home a httle the worse, I told you who I'd been with, and what I had taken. Mrs. C. Pray, satisfy your doubts. Coo. Stuff and nonsense ! I have no doubts. There, take the key ; what do I want with it ? Mrs. C. I will only accept it ■with the assurance that you beUeve my little secret to be perfectly harmless, as I give you my word it is. Coo. Harmless: of course it is. — {Coaxingly.) But you might tell a fellow. I'm a mighty inquisitive chap, I know ; but I take after my mother. Mrs. C. Y'ou have the remedy in your o\vn hands. — {Aside.) He'll never use it, surely. Coo. {Aside.) I really don't know what to do. Mrs. C. Y'ou had better decide, or you will miss the train. — {Aside.) He's wavering. Coo. {Gravely.) Maria Coobiddy, I have decided. I believe that a suspicious husband is the most degraded of characters ; but, as, upon serious reflection, I remember there is a large hole in my old wrapper, and as it's nearly a quarter to six, {goes up to door in f. e. h.,) I shall just go in and fetch my new one. ( Unlocks door, k. f., arid goes into room.) Mrs. C. {FalUng hysterically into chair, c.) I didn't think he would do it. Bella, I am a rvuned woman. Bella, (p..) Good gracious, aunt, how shocking ! Mrs. C. I know not what to say ! But it was all through you. {Speaks in great agitation.) Bella. "Through me ? Mrs. C. Y'es, I was envious of your superior youth and beauty ; in a moment of weakness I consented, from a wish to rival you. Bella. Well, I'm sure ! — thank you. But I hope Captain Le Brown has moie taste Mrs. C. Do not think too harshly of me, Bella. Y'ou wouldn't have given way, I know ; but I am justly punished. He comes, and knows the worst. {Reenter Coobiddy, e. d. f. He looks very grave and mysterious.) Coo. (c.) Mrs. Coobiddy. Mrs. C. (r. c, trembling.) Yes, Tom. SCENE I.] CRINOLINE. 9 Coo. I have been in that blue chamber of mystery. Mrs. C. I know, Tom. Coo. And it is my duty to tell you that I have there discov- ered Mrs. C. Yes, Tom. Coo. (^Looking angrily at c. D., which has been agitated.") What's the matter with that door ? Mrs. C. (r. c.) Which door? Coo. That one. Mrs. C. It's the wind, I suppose. Coo. Then I wish the wind would mind its own business, and not interrupt people at critical moments. I say, that in that room I have discovered Mrs, C. I am listening, Tom. Coo. Nothing whatever. Mrs. C. {Looking up.) No. Coo. Not even my railway wrapper, which I now remember to have — {turning angrily tmcards door, C. ) Will you be quiet, wind ? Mrs. C. (Aside to Bella, o)i r.) He has escaped by the lawn window, to spare my shame. Devoted creature — I could hug him for it. Bella. {Aside, R. H.) Well, I'm sure ! A pretty sort of an aunt I've got ! — and he to call himself a captain ! Mrs. C. {Aside to Bella.) 0, Bella, this shall be a warning to me ! Bella. {In reply.) 1 hope so, ma'am ; but don't come too near me, if you please. Coo. {Sternly.) Well, madam ! Mrs. C. {Aside to Bella.) Fear nothing, dear ; we are quite safe now. (Bella bounces away from her indignantly.) Mrs. C. { To CooBiDDY, with forced laughter.) Why, you stupid creature, don't you see that Coo. I can't see any thing while that confounded door keeps rat- tling so. {The movement of the c. door is suddenly stilled.) Don't I Bee what ? Mrs. C, {Giggling.) That we have been making a fool of you. Bella. Don't say " we," if you jjleaso, aunt. Coo. You have been making a ibol of me ? Do you know, !Mrs. Coobiddy, I had some suspicion to that effect, from the beginning ? and I feel by no means assured on the subject at present. I advise you not to try it on again in any way, — some ways, especially, {look- ing angrily towards c. d., which is again agitated.) 'I'here must be something more in the wind than I know of ; that door was all right yesterday. I was about to say that it only wants twelve minutes to six, and as I now remember having put my wrapper in this cujiboard — {Crosses toioards door, L. 1 E. Nancy Bini^iis, icJio has been agita- ting the door, C, bursts into the room, runs duion to L. 1 e., and places her back against the door, haviri,g previously abstracted the key, which she conceals.) Nancy. {Hurriedly warding Coohiddy off from the door.) Quite a mistake, sir! It ain't here — I took it up stairs, myself. You had 10 CKINOLIXE. [act I. better, all three, go up and runamage for it, or you'll miss the train, sir. Mrs. C. (R. c.) Is the woman mad ? Bella, (r. h.) If not, she's tipsy. Xancy. {At door, L. h. 1 E.) Ho, indeed ! there's a chalk for both of you. Coa. Nancy Bitters, will you allow me to come to that cupboard ? Nancy. {Withdrawing from door.) Certainly, sir, if you wish it; but I warn you, you are wasting time. Coo. I will trouble you for the key. Xaitci/. The key. sir? Bless you, sir, the key of that there cup- board has been lost this fortnight. Bella. 1 saw her put it into her pocket not a minute ago. Xaiioj. {Aside.) You did, did you r — you'll owe me one more for that. Sir, I can only say this is not the first time I've had to de- plore that there young person's habit of speaking the imtruth, and I'm sick of shielding her. Mrs. C. (r. c.) You intolerable hussey ! how dare you ? Mr. Coobiddy, force that cupboard door open ; it's my belief that the crea- ture Xanci/. Don't call me a creature, Mrs. Coobiddy, or I'U let out upon you. Coo. "Woman, what do you mean ? Xaiwy. O, you're going to call me names, too, Mr. Coobiddy. I shan't open my mouth — though, gracious knows, I've kept it shut long enough. — {Aside.) I'm safe for the sack, so I may as well make 'era all imcomfortable. Xo, sir, not a word, if you was to trample me to death with elephants. Mrs. C. She has either got concealed in that closet some of my missing propeity, which I taxed her with stealing this morning, or else one of her fellows. Xancy. One of my fellows ? Ho, indeed ! Pray make sure, mim, that it am't one of your fellows, which I have concealed to screen you. — {Aside.) That was pretty well thought on, considering the hurry of the moment. Coo. Anne Bitters ! spinster ! Explain yourself. Xancy. Mr. Coobiddy, you're a pore creetur, sir, and has my warmest sj-mpathies — that's what you are. Mrs. C. Mr. Coobiddy, will you force open that closet r or do you wkh to hear me further insulted r Coo. Mrs. or MLss Bitters, unless you at once shut your mouth and open the cupboard, you'll see what I ^\-ill send you, which wUl most probably be in the form of a policeman. Xancy. A policeman ! Ho, indeed ! That's your idea — is it ? Mrs. C. Bella, open the front door, and scream for one. (Bella is going up, ii., toicards C. I).) Xancy. Stop, mim. (Bella stops.) You are determined on a policeman, are yon, sir ? Coo. Emphatically. Mrs. C. I should think so. Bella. I'here's generally one at the area railings at this time of tha aftenioon. BCBNE I.] CRINOLINE. 11 Nancy. Stop, mim. (Bella stops.) If you must have a police- man, and as it is as well to keep scandal from getting beyond the premises, {opens door, L. h. 1 e.,) John Liptrot, come out of that ! (John Liptrot, a policeman, comes out from door, 1 e. l. h., boiomg confusedly.') Mrs. C. I knew it. Bella. I was sure of it. Mrs. C. Mr. Coobiddy, pay the wretch a month's wages, and send her about her business ; but mind she doesn't leave the house till I have examined her boxes. Nancy. (^Asidc.) Ho, indeed ! You owe me one and a few more ; and I'U have 'em all out of you before I go. Mrs. C. Mr. Coobiddy, you wiU also please to take that police- man's number, and report him at Scotland Yard. Bella, give me your arm : we must not stay to be further insulted. Bella. {Draioi/ig back.) Thank you, aunt — there are certain mat- ters to be explained between us. Mrs. C. You goose, I can explain every thing. Come along. {Exeunt Bella and Mrs. Coobiddy, r. d. 1 e.) Coo. Now, really, this is very annoying. I've missed the train ; and I'm sure I don't know what to do. Policeman, I suppose it would be a mere matter of form if I were to ask you to take yourself into custody ? (John touches his hat.) But allow me to ask you, as a friend, whether you consider that cupboard a portion of your official beat ? Nancy. {Nudges John not to speak. Sentimentally.) Surely a ten- der-hearted, lovable gentleman like yourself, Mr. Coobiddy, wouldn't prevent a pore gal from forming an honest attachment ? Coo. A poor girl ! Stop a bit! Anne Bitters, spinster ! {Sits c.) Your outward appearance gives me the idea of the ripest imaginable six and thirty Nancy, (l. c.) Four and twenty. I assure you, sir, we are a fine-grown family, and matures early. Some of us at forty would astonish you. Coo. But what right has that policeman Nancy. {Aside to John.) Say as I say, you fool ! Well, sir, the fact is, if you must know, which I am loath to tell it, he was called in. Coo. Called in ? Nancy. "Well, after all, it's my duty, and know it you must sooner or later. I could not abear it no longer, sir. I couldn't stand to see a handsome, well-grown gentleman like yourself, with every quality to charm the hi and win tlie heart • John. {jj. K., aside.) Dror it mQd, Anne. Nancy, (c.) And what's more, sir, I wouldn't. No ! I says I can make every allowance for the llightiness of a young married wo- man ; and Mr. Coobiddy being absent on business six months in the year, is certainly some excuse. Coo. (r. c.) Good Heavens ! What do you mean ? Nancy. Bless you, sir, I have spoken to her, over and over again, like a mother — I mean like a sister a year or two older ; but, lor ! what could I do agaia officers in the army and navy, and medical etudents i 12 cRrN'OLrxi!. [act i. Coo. {^Aghast.^ Officers in the army ! Nancy. And na^•^^ sir ; but especially in the medical perfession. You have no idea of the goings on in your absence I but at last mortal patience could stand it no longer, and I was determined your property should be protected this time, so I called in John. John. Yes, sir, she called me in, sure enough. Coo. My property ! "Woman, what do )-ou mean ? Nancy. Lord bless your blindness, sir ! Haven't you noticed a great falling off in your stock of neat ■nines, bottled porter, and spirituous liquors ? Coo. I have ! I have ! Nancy. And an equally astonishing heaping up of butchers' and grocers' bills r Coo. True I true ! Nancy. Bless you, sir, nothing was too good for them — game pies, anchovies, lobster salad, and the choicest Hawannahs. Coo. O, this is an infamous calumny, scorpion ! Naticy. Well, I'm sure ! Coo. How dare you accuse an angel of innocence like Mrs. Coobiddy ? Nancy. O, dear, no, sir ! not for worlds ! If I'm to be called out of names {^Going. Returns.') A month's wages, if you please, and wishing you a pleasant trip to the north. Coo. (Aside.) This is too horrible. I thought such things only happened in French novels ; and yet that mysterious room. Tell me, woman, as you hope to be married, had you any suspicion of any body being concealed in that apartment ? Nancy. Had Ir — (^Aside.) "What's the fool driving at? Bless you, sir, there's always somebody concealed there. Coo. But I have looked in the room. Nancy. Not under the sofa, sir ! That's where they hide in gen- eral. Look again, sir. (Coobiddt rushes into the room, R. d., in flat.) Nancy. 1 believe I have put a spoke or two in Mrs. C's wheel. John Liptrot, go do-\^Ti in the kitchen; you'll find a pidgingpie on the dresser, and a humbrella containing perquisites imder it : you'd better be off -with both. John. Pigeon pies, Anne, is all in the way of business ; but loaded umbrellas is larceny. I'U attend to the pie. (^Exit, c. d. Coobiddy rushes out of room, B. D., in flat, pale and agitated, with an open htter in his hand.) Coo. Anne Bitters, spinster ! Nancy. Sir. Coo. Can you read ? Nancy. Printing hand, sir. Coo. Ah, this is ^^Titten hand ! I found it hing on the table. You will observe that this letter is addressed to Mrs. Coobiddy. You can make that out ? Nancy. Ah — m — yes, sir, perfectly. Coo. (a. c.) Now listen. (^Reads in a tragic voice.) " Seeing as how the company, K U M company — didn't seem inclined to slope, I BCENE I.] CRINOLINE. 13 hooked it out of the lawn winders. WINDERS — Winders. I have took it with me. It shall be all right. I'll be in time for you to go to the party, never fear. I'll be at the Hairey Gate. H A I R- E Y — Hairey ! at seven o'clock. I'll whLstle ' Pop goes the weasel ! ' Your gal can let me in. Bless you, I am up to these sort of dodges, having had a many such affairs on my hands, and ope I know how to manage 'em with proper delicacy. Y'^ours most E F — efeckshimately, •'JACOB GRIMES." Now who is Grimes ? Nancy. One of the lot, sir. Coo. ' The lot ? O Heavens ! What is Grimes ? Nancy. In the dragoons, sir — a cornet. Coo. A piston ? Nancy. O, dear, no, sir — the real thing. Coo. But you don't mean to say this execrable scrawl and pos- itively criminal orthogiaphy are the work of an officer in her majes- ty's service r Nancy. Lor bless you, sir, haven't you read the divulgences in the newspapers about officers exasperating their h's and spelling colonel with a k ? Cuo. True, too true ! and this is the end of my dream of do- mestic life. Farewell to the lobster suppers, the cribbage party in the summer, the picnic after tea, and the little drop of something warm on the box seat of Astley's Italian omnibus. Coobiddy's occupation's gone. (^Sinks in chair, c, then starts up.) Anne Bitters, spinster ! Nancy. Sir. Coo. What sort of a man is Grimes ? Nancy. Ahem ! what you'd call a military looking sort of a man, Bir. Coo. Tall ? Nancy. Well, tallish. Coo. Of gentlemanly but repulsive aspect ? Nancy. That's him, sir. Coo. The individual I allude to has an all-round collar, and a tendency to carrots. Nancy. That's Grimes, sir. Coo. He has a habit of twiddUng his moustache, which I believe to be as false as himself. Nancy. You've hit him off to a T, sir. Coo. I'll hit him off to Jericho ! Why, I've noticed that fellow prowling about the house for the last two days. I thought, perhaps, he lived in the neighborhood. I trod on his toe as I turned the cor- ner, near the lawn gate, as I came in, and he begged my pardon — I hope I scrunched his favorite corn. Aime Bitters ! Nancy. Sir ! Coo. Look at me. Nancy. I do, sir ; and a fine growd gentleman you are of your inches. Coo. It is a question of inches. How much bigger do you suppose the infamous Grimes to be than myself ? Nancy. Very trifling, sir ; a foot and a half, there or thereabouts. 2 H cnrNOLixE. [act i. Coo. But don't you think, armed ■with a righteous cause, and a thick stick, I should j:;et the best of him in a fair stand up tight, if I ■R-ere to come suddenly upon him behind. Nancy. No questi(jn on it. Coo. Then I ^vill submit my honor to the terrible ordeal of battle. I have pistols and other tire irons on the premises. Grimes shall meet "nith a reception he little anticipates. {Looks at his ivatch.) Five and twenty to seven. In five and twenty minutes the hated melody of " Pop goes the weasel," will be sounded at my area railing. I think he said seven. (Consults iiote.) Yes — "At the Ilairey Gate at seven o'clock." O, domestic visions ! — quiet evenings ! — cold beef and pickles ! Nancy. Very natural on yoiu- part, sir ; but be calm, sir. Coo. By no means, Anne Bitters ! It would never do for me to be calm. I must get myself into a terrible passion, or Grimes will prob- ably have the best of me. I will exasperate myself by reading his de- tested note again. {Looks at 7io/e.) Heartless villain ! " I am up to these sort of dodges, having had many affairs on my hands ! " Don Giovanni ! glorying in his villany — boasting of it to his ■snctim ! Nancy. {Aside.) "Well, there's one comlbit, they'll remember me when I'm gone. Coo. And he signs himself, " Yours E. F. — efeckshunately." Nancy. "Well, of course he'd do that. Coo. But I'll have his blood ! Y'es ! I've worked myself up to the proper pitch of ferocity, and I'll have his blood, unless he should make very serious opposition. {Lookiny again at note.) " I hooked it out of the lawn winders — I " Good Heavens ! Anne Bitters ! Nancy. Sir ! Coo. Here is a fearful passage unexplained. " I have took it with me — it shall be all right ! " What does he mean by it ? Nancy. Pray don't ask me, sir ; I've said qmte as much as becomes me. Coo. {Seizing her arm.) "Woman ! I will know all. Nancy. Don't call me woman, ili\ Coobiddy ? But remember you are addressing a female. Coo. ( Ocerconie.) And to think at the present moment I might have been enjoying a quiet cup of tepid coffee at the AVolverton station. {Looking at tcatch.) Nineteen minutes to seven! Anne Bitters, m there a frjang-pan in the kitchen ? {Going up to c. d.) Nancy. Lor, yes, to be sure, sir ; but what do you want with a frj-ing-pan, sir ? (l.) Coo. To dry some gunpowder. {Exit, c. d.) Nancy. {Solus.) "Well, I don't think they'll forget poor Nancy Bitters in a huny, in this here afflicted establishment ; and I think I may as well go and look after my boxes. {Going to c. d. Captain Le Browx puts his head i)i at R. D., in flat.) Cap. {CautioMly.) S-s-tt ! Nancy? Nancy. "Who's there r Be off ! There's a policeman within call. Cap. {Coming down, R. H.) It's only I, Nancy ! Nancy, (l. h.) O, it's you. Captain Le Brown ! And where iid you come from ? SCENE I. CRINOLINE. 15 Cap. (c.) Through the lawTi -windows : I have been watching for the opportunity for two days. Burglarious as is the proceeding, it is justitied by the exigencies of the case — I wished for an opportunity of speaking to you alone. Nancy. Keep your distance, Captain Le Brown ! I'm only a pore gal, but of respectable parients. — (^Asidc. ) He is the supposed Grimes, evidently. Cap. Pshaw ! Nonsense ! You know my devoted attachment to Miss Bella. Nancy. Well, there's no accounting for tastes. Cap. You know I had even gone so far as to defy the objections of my family to a union with a tradesman's daughter, and to-day I had promised to declare myself to IMrs. Coobiddy's family. Nancy. Well, then, I wouldn't advise you to. Cap. Thank you, I have no longer any such intention, unless it is in your power to clear up a terrible suspicion. Nancy. Then I assure you it isn't, so you may be prepared for the worst. — (^Asicle.) As I'm gomg away, I ain't going to clear up noth- ing. Cap. You, perhaps, do not understand me ; I scarcely know how to express myself — the question is a delicate one. Nancy. Then, pray don't ask it of me. I am only a pore gal ; but Cap. You said that before, Nancy. I have noticed, within the last two days, an individual coming and going from this house ; an individual who, — I wish to put it as delicately as I can, — though of the male sex, is not what Ave usually call a gentleman. Nancy. I should think not ! — (^Aside.) What, in the name of fate Cap. From unmistakable signs which that individual has carried with him, I argue that his visits have been to a lady residing in the house — you understand me. Nancy. Perfectly. — {Aaide.') Blessed if I do ! Cap. Nancj' Bitters, assure mo that his visits have not been to the idol of my affections, and you will not only make me a happy man, but I will owe you another sovereign. Nancy. You don't happen to have one about you, do you? Cap. Confound it, I am always forgetting my purse. Nancy. Then don't flatter yourself. Miss Bella is the party. Cap. I knew it. Enough ! all is over ! I will fly to other climes and forget her. {Goiny yp toicards door, ii. f.) I coidd have over- looked an uncle in the Manchester trade — even a father, who had borne the stigma of wholesale grocery. But John Edward Le Brown has too much of the proud blood of liis ancestors in his veins to marry a woman capable of {Trying to open door, it. f.) What the devil's the matter with this door ? Nancy. (i>.) Hadn't you better go out of the front door, captain ? Cap. No, I would depart as I came ; I would have nobody see me in this establishment. I would be forgotten, or only remembered to be detested and reviled. Confound the latch ! — and here's somebody coming. [Nancy runs out, c. d.) 16 CRINOLINE. [a'cT U Enter Bella, door, n. n. 1 e. Bella. (Aside.) I really cannot understand aunt Maria ; she seems perfectly innocent, and says she will explain all this evening ; but {^Sceinp Captaix at door, R. f., screams.) Ah ! Cap. {Boicing confusedly.) Madam, you observe — the — handle has come off in my hand, otherwise Bella. You would have escaped without my seeing you. Captain Le Brown. CajJ. {Stiffly.) I confess I had no wish to incur the pam of an in- terview with yourself, madam. (Coming down, L. c.) Bella. No, I dare say not. I will bruig it to a close, sir, by in- forming you that I'm acquainted ^^■ith your motive for breaking into my uncle's house like a thief. Cap. In that case the necessity of a great deal of explanation is saved. I need not inform you, madam, that all is over between us. Bella. I should so, ijideed, after your conduct. Cap. My condiict, madam, though perhaps indiscreet, and even illegal, I consider thoroughly justified by the excess of my love. Bella. And you dare avow this to me ? Cap. I dare avow it to all the world, but that I have no wish to expose you. Bella. (Aside.) The wretch! He alludes to my love letters; and I believed this man to be the soul of honor. But are there not others who have still more to dread from exposure? Have you no consideration for my poor uncle's feelings? Cap. Not a bit ! He oughtn't to allow such things in his family. Bella. (Aside.) I never heard of such a monster ! At least have some pity for my aunt. Cap. I don't care a snuff for your aunt. Bella. Ah ! Cap. If your aunt was to come here, I'd tell her that she's not fit to have the charge of yoimg people. ( Walking up and dotvn stage.) Bella. (Aside.) What incredible heartlessness ! "NVretch ! And whose fault is it if she isn't ? Cap. How do I know ? Perhaps she is a fool, and can't help it. Bella. I can bear this no longer. (Sinks in chair, C.) Enter Coobiddt, c. d., armed with a bludgeon aiid horse pistol. Bella. O, uncle, save me from that wretch ! the destroyer of your happiness and mine ! Coo. (In a loio voice.) I am aware of it, Bella. — (To Captain.) Grimes, you are before your time. Cap. My name is not Grimes, sir ! (Going up to him.) But thai is of little consequence. I should advise you to keep a better eye upon the female members of your household than you have done. Crto. (c.) O, Heavens ! Do you think. Grimes Cap. (L.) My name is not Grimes, sir. Coo. No matter. I ask, is it your opinion, cornet ■ Cap. I was gazetted to a captaincy last week. SCENE I.] CHIXOLINE. 17 Coo. I congratulate you. I -was about to ask you, Captain G., if you think you are the proper person to lecture me on the moral state of my family. Cap. ' AVhy not, sir ? Coo. Well, after you have brought miserj' and despair into it. Cap. It is the lady's fault, not mine, sir ! I have found her to be unworthy of my aifections, and I renounce her. Coo. (^Aside.) And to think that I dare not even hit him ! Bella, (k.) This, then, is the poor MTetch's reward for sacrificing her duty to her family. Coo. {Aside) How beautifully she takes my part ! 0, what a miserable coward I am ! ' Cap. I am not aware that the lady made any great sacrifice ; she is, perhaps, to be pitied for the loss she will experience, that is'all. Bella. {Faltinc/ on Coobiddy's 7ieck.) O, uncle ! And I have loved this man ! Coo. You ? On horror's head, horrors ! — what do j'ou call it ? This is more than I bargained for. Bella. Yes ; he was to have asked your consent to our marriage to- day, but for this frightful discovery. Coo. (Aside.) His back is turned ! Courage, Coobiddy, and at him. (Moves to attack the Captaix.) Cap. (Turui)iy round.) Now, then, what's the matter? Coo. ( Concealitig iveapons.) N nothing ! Cap. What are you doing with those ridiculous weapons ? Coo. I was about to start for Manchester, and I always travel armed. — (^Aside.) O, dastard ! Pitiful, miserable poltroon ! ( Beats himself icith weapons.) O, if I could only exasperate myself to the proper pitch ! (Crosses to R.) Bella, (c. To Captain.) Enough ! Let me beg of you to be gone ! Leave this house, \\ hose peace you have destroyed ! I trust that years of penitence and atonement may reconcile you with your guilty conscience. Cap. (Aside.) By Jove, any body would think I was the greatest scoundrel alive ! I dare say I shall soon get over it, madam. (Bowing to u'ithdraw.) Coo. (Aside.) He shan't escape me ! I'm warming up. (Goes up, R., and (jets to c. D.) Hold, (irimes ! Cap. ( Taming, L. H.) I have told you, sir, that my name is not Grimes. Coo. No matter. Allow me to tell you, that I consider you the most infernally hardened scoundrel on the face of the earth. (Strife- ing at his toes trilh bludgeon.) Cap. Be moderate, sir. Coo. I won't ; my blood's up! If you'd waited for your appoint- ment at seven o'clock, I should have been prepared to meet you ; but you took a mean advantage by coming a quarter of an hour too soon, before I had practised my ctjurage. Cap. (Astonished. To Bella, r. h.) Is your uncle mad ? Coo. (c. Wildly.) No — yes, sir. Ilamping mad. I have worked 2 « 18 CRIXOLIXE. [act I. myself up by degrees, and will liave it out, if you please. You come here luaking; love to my big brother's daughter. Cap. Well, sir. Coo. You're another, sir ! It isn't well. After having previously supplanted me in the affections of my wife Cap, {Astounded.) Yoiir Avhat ? Enter Mrs. CooBrnDT, door k. h. 1 e., in ball dress, icithout crinoline. Mrs. C. (r.) "What, Tom, dear, haven't you gone? Bella, it is time 3^ou were dressed. {^Courtesy ing distantly to Captaix.) I don't think I know this gentleman. Cap. (^Bowing. politely.') Madam ! Coo. ' (c, Excited.) O, I dare say ! It's too late in the day for that sort of gammon. Woman — I know him, and all about him. He is your paramour. Grimes. Mrs. C. Ah ! Cap. (^Angrily, L.) I have told you, sir, repeatedly, that my name is not Grimes. I never saw this lady before in the whole course of my life. Coo. Pickles ! Bella, (v.. c.) Uncle, not two minutes ago he told me all about his extreme love for her, excusing his conduct. Cap. (L.) Who — I ? Bella. And not two nunutes afterwards you admitted you didn't care a snuff for her. Mrs. C. (r.) I vow I never set eyes on the man. Bella. O, aunt ! you know you confessed to me yourself, that in a moment of weakness you had consented to be my rival. Coo. (c.) Answer that, ma'am. Mrs. C. Good Heavens ! what a fearful misunderstanding ! — (^Crossing to R. c.) Tom, I can explain all when we are alone. This gentleman is an utter stranger to me. Coo. O, I'm not to be humbugged ! I've screwed my courage up to the sticking — what's o'name. I'm not going to be at the trouble for nothing. Grimes, choose your weapons. (^Presenting cudgel and pistol to Captain-.) I'll keep the pistol. Cap. How often am I to tell you that my name is not Grimes ? Coo. I don't care whether you WTite in your owii name, or a false one. I have your letter, sir. I found it in that room, sir, in that room, ma'am. You had taken it away ■with you, — it would be all right ■^— you would be in time for her to go to the party — her gal was to let you in — you were to be at the area railings and whistle the melody of " Pop goes the weasel " at (A pause — deck strikes seven — dead silence — the tune of " Pop goes the iceasel" is tchistled outside, c. — astonished.) That signal, can it be ? — (To Captain.) You, then, are not Grimes. Cap. You confounded idiot, haven't I told you so all along. Coo. No matter, — there is a Grimes, and I'll have his blood. {^Rushes out, c. d. l. h.) Mrs. C. Bella, has your uncle been taking any thing ? Bella. I don't know, aunt ; there seems to be some fearful mistake. SCENE I.] CRINOLINE. 19 CooBiDDY reenters, c. D. L. H., dragging in Jacob Grimes by the throat. Grimes carries a lady' s iron hoop petticoat in his hand. Coo. You don't escape me, villain ! You are not half so big as I expected. Your name is Grimes ? Grimes. In coorse it is, — who said it wasn't ? Coo. Your plebeian disguise will not serve you ! You have come here after a lady ? Grimes, (r. c.) In coorse I has ! And as I have got three more ladies to go after on the same harrand, you be so good as to let me be. Coo. (c.) Three more ladies ! The hardened profligate. {Look- ing at petticoat.') And what is this fearful instrument — a scaling ladder r Grimes. Scaling ladder be blowed ! It's that ere lady's iron hoop. {^Pointing at ^Irs. C.) Mis. C. (^Hiding her face.) Spare me. Cap. That lady's ? Grimes. In coorse. Cap. (^Pointing to Bella.') Not this lady's ? Grimes. No, she wouldn't have one at no price — though I offered her a beautj^ a bargain. Cap. Isabella Coobiddy, come to my arms ; we may be happy yet. Bella, (l.) I see it all. Is it possible, John Edward Le Brown, that you could have suspected r Cap. (l. c.) How could I help it ? I had seen the — the article in question going and coming from the house. I naturally assumed that it was for you, and you wouldn't suppose me capable of maiTying a girl who would make such a guy of herself. Bella. John Edward, say no more. I wouldn't wear one for a thousand a year. (^They embrace and go up.) Coo. {To Grimes.) Kcprcsentative of the industrial interests, come here. Is this your writing ? {Slwicing note.) Grimes. In coorse it is. Coo. Why did you address my Avife as "yours most — E F — efeckshunately ? " Grimes. Why, it's the regular thing, ain't it ? Coo. By no means. Grimes. It's the way I always writes to my old mother. Coo. Lord, what a Ibol I've been, to be sure. To think {to Mrs. Coohiddy) I had a rival concealed in that room, when it was only thus ridiculous {S/u)wing petticoat.) Mrs. C. Pray throw it out of the window, Tom, and say no more about it. I am very much ashamed of myself, indeed; but, as you see, I've given up all idea of wearing it. Coo. {Opening window E. f., and throwing petticoat oxit.) Hi ! boys, here's a lot of hoops for you. Bowl them along the pavement, so as to upset as many w^omen in preposterous petticoats as possit)le. {To Captain.) Grimes, come to my arms and call me uncle. (Cap- tain and CoomuDY are rushing into each other' s arms — the real Grimks interposes — the three embrace.) Grimes. Uncle. 30 CRiNOLns-E. [act I. Coo. I didn't mean you, Grimes, but it's all the same. I could embrace all the world. I feel so happy, — every thing is now settled. The C. D. opens. Enter Xaxcy Bitteiis in a splendid " Su7idai/ out " costume — a silk skirt highly flounced, over a hoop petticoat of the most exaggerated dime)isions. Nancy, (c.) I beg your parding, sir, there is a trifle of twenty shillings, a months wages, not yet settled, if you please. Mrs. C. (r.) "What impudence. Bella, (l.) Did you ever see such a figure? Nancy, (c.) Ho, indeed ! perhaps other people may be allowed to wear iron what's-o'-names, as well as some people. I suppose I'm my own missus now and can dress as I Uke ! Mr. Coobiddy, 1 will thank you to mspect my boxes which is in the lobby. Coo. (r. c. Pointing out "S Kyicy to his tcife.) My dear you see what you might have come to yourself, had it not been for the timely interposition of Providence. Nancy ! Nancy. (^Up c.) Miss Bitters, if you please, sir, being no longer in your service. C'oo. Then Miss Bitters I will do myself the pleasure you propose, ■with a view of hastening yovir much desired departure. Nancy. You'll find none of your property there, sir. (J)rops sil- ver mug from under her dress.) Coo. (^Picking it up.) It strikes me I find some of my property here. Mrs. C. Why, this is grandpapa's silver race cup ! Nancy. Ho ! indeed ! It must have caught in my boot lace ! Good evening. Coo. (^Rushing to witidow, 1,., vociferating — ) Pohce ! Joux LiPTROT appears at c. D., wiping his mouth, and a bone in his hand. Nancy. John Liptrot, let me pass. Juhn. (c.) Uncommonly sorry, Anne ! but if called in the way of business, I can't do it. Nancy, (c.) Do you want me to box your ears for you, as I've many smd many's the time ? What ! you won't, won't you ? (^Strug- gling to get past JoHX w/w bars her passage ; the Captaix has pnt his foot on one of her flounces, the skirt comes off, and discovers iron hoop petticoat, with all sorts of spoil tied to the hoojjs — Joints of meat, parasols, trinkets, bottles, groceries, iSrc. i^c. General consternation.) Mrs. C. (c.) And this is what comes of the fashion of wearing iron hoop petticoats. Coo. (c.) Off with her ! to the lowest dungeons of the watch- house. Nancy. (Overwhelmed with shame.) John Liptrot, are you going to protect me, or are you not ? John. Nancy Hitters, hear me. It ain't for the things you've took ; a lenient jurj' might piit 'em aU down as parkwisitcs. But if you think SCENE I. CRINOLINE. 21 I'm going to keep on with a gal as is capable of maldng a bird cage of herself, all I can say is, Nancy — not if I know it. Coo. (1)1 c.) Stop! On reflection we won't ptmishher; we'll simply make use of her as a public example. [Brings her down.} Not that I want to put a stop to this sort of thing ; on the contrary, we all hope, preposterous as it may be, you'll allow our CrinoUne to continue the fashion. SITUATIONS. John Liptrot. GRmEg^ ^^, :Mr. COOBIDDY. NaNCT. £ CURTAIN. 3- ®* i. S. PR ^^ STACK COLLECTIC THE LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA Santa Barbara THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST STAMPED BELOW.