[EX nims 
 
 v~? 
 
 is^^j 
 
 MAKMERM 
 
 MAR5MJ 
 
 AT LQ)S ANGELES 
 
 GIFT OF 
 
 Charles A, Marsh 
 to Mu Lambda
 
 THE TRIALS OF A 
 STUMP - SPEAKER. 
 
 BY 
 
 HENRY S. WILCOX 
 
 AUTHOR OF FOIBLES OF THE BENCH, FOIBLES OF THE 
 
 BAR, FOIBLES OF THE JURY, FALLACIES OF THE 
 
 LAW, A STRANGE FLAW, ETC. 
 
 A SERIES OF SKETCHES AND HUMOROUS 
 INCIDENTS THAT HAPPENED DURING 
 THE MANY YEARS' EXPERIENCE OF 
 THE AUTHOR, AND PARTICULARLY 
 DURING THE CAMPAIGN OF 1888. 
 
 OOPYRIQHT, 1906, BV HeNRY S. WILCOX. 
 
 LEGAL LITERATURE COMPANY 
 CHICAGO
 
 
 5 WfGr^t 
 
 CO 
 
 .'9 
 
 CD 
 
 < 
 
 The Trials of a Stump Speaker 
 
 4 CHAPTER I. 
 
 -0 
 
 CHANGING PARTIES. 
 
 J? 
 
 \ 
 
 '^ Born of Republican parents and nursed upon 
 
 3 Republican milk, swaddled in the New York 
 
 i. Tribune, rocked in the cradle to the tune of "John 
 
 Brown's Body" as a lullaby, there was every 
 
 ^ prospect that I would be an ossified Republican, 
 
 ^ relishing every product of the caucus or conven- 
 
 li tion of that party, however unpalatable it might 
 
 i be. But as the time approached when I should 
 
 t become a voter, I listened to the siren song of 
 
 Peter Cooper, that old patriarch of equal rights, 
 
 J^ and was jolted by heavy blows from the sledge- 
 
 5 hammer of Benjamin F. Butler, the Vulcan of 
 
 C iconoclasts. The result was that when I went to 
 
 the polls for the first time 1 cast my vote for the 
 
 o National Greenback Party as proudly as any 
 
 I- « 
 
 CiJ 
 
 L 
 
 f4>t^Os^v' 
 

 
 4 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 signer of the Declaration of Independence affixed 
 his name thereto. From that time until the year 
 1888, I carried wood and water and did all kinds 
 of chores for the leaders of the Greenback or- 
 ganization, holding myself ready at all times to 
 go anywhere and make a speech or attend a cau- 
 cus or convention for the upbuilding of the last- 
 named party. Great, indeed, were the sacrifices 
 to which the leaders of the party submitted. Few 
 have ever surpassed them as popular orators and 
 none in the dogged persistency with which they 
 clung to their pet idea. But there is a limit to 
 human endurance, and fondest hopes must some- 
 times grow weary. If you have long watched 
 over a calf, feeding it the richest milk and most 
 nourishing provender, and you see it does not 
 grow a bit, you will lose interest in the runt. 
 Much worse was the experience of those who 
 toiled for the Greenback Party, for it became 
 smaller each year until finally it even lost its name 
 and a new association called the Union Labor 
 Party was organized out of its fragments. Nine 
 years of toil satisfied me that the third party 
 scheme was a failure. An attempt to grow a tree 
 from an acorn between two monarchs of the 
 forest must ever result in failure. The large trees 
 with their spreading roots will suck up the mois-
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 5 
 
 ture and nutriment from below, and their inter- 
 lacing branches shut out the sunlight and air 
 from above, and the little shoot be starved out. 
 Thus when two great parties nearly equally di- 
 vide between them the voters of the country they 
 will, in their powerful competition for control, 
 gradually disintegrate any sporadic attempt at 
 a new party organization. The boy who climbed 
 the mule's tail met with disaster. He exclaimed 
 through his tears to his doting parent: "Papa, I 
 will never be your pretty boy again." "No," re- 
 plied his father, "you may never be handsome, 
 but you will know more." My experience with 
 the Greenback Party has made me wiser, and I 
 am confident that no prospect, however alluring, 
 can interest me in another tliird party project. 
 When the bright star that I followed with such 
 unwavering zeal became too pale to be seen and 
 gradually faded from the horizon, I naturally 
 turned to my first love and announced my purpose 
 of supporting Benjamin Harrison of Indiana, 
 who had been named as candidate for President 
 of the United States against Grover Cleveland, 
 then candidate for re-election. Previous to that 
 time the Republican editors had denounced me as 
 a crank, lunatic and anarchist, until those epi- 
 thets became a monotonous rub-a-dub-dub. Upon
 
 6 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 learning that I would support their ticket, they 
 were as profuse with flattering comments as a 
 circus bill. The Greenback press then suddenly 
 discovered that I had, concealed behind a shining 
 exterior, qualities of perfidy that made Benedict 
 Arnold seem a patriot, and Judas Iscariot a true 
 apostle. Political slander, however, is neither 
 calculated nor intended to deceive. It gives ex- 
 pression to malice, but no one need fear it. It 
 does its object more good than harm. The breath 
 of liars makes political fame. As long as a citi- 
 zen follows, obsequiously, the lead of his party 
 he is regarded as lumber in the machine, and his 
 identity is lost like a drop of water in the sea ; but 
 when he asserts an independent judgment he be- 
 comes a rock against which the excited political 
 waves dash furiously, filling the air about him 
 with froth and foam. 
 
 When I joined the Republican Party I did not 
 recant or recall any of my utterances, nor was I 
 asked to advocate any new doctrine. I was ar 
 once placed at the head of a club, elected a dele- 
 gate to the State Convention, and by it nominated 
 for Presidential elector. To make room for me, 
 the old pioneers and battle-scarred war-horses 
 were driven away from the trough. For a time I 
 was a great light, about which flitted the insig-
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 7 
 
 nificant insects that composed the party's rank 
 and file. It was not long, however, before this 
 adulation excited envy. This was evidenced by 
 occasional thrusts from unexpected quarters. 
 When I was entering the State Convention the 
 crowd cheered so loudly and so great a number 
 called for me to speak that the business on hand 
 was suspended until I could be heard from. The 
 chairman was envious, and he said, as he intro- 
 duced me, "The prodigal has returned. Let us 
 kill the fatted calf." The applause that followed 
 was terrific, but it was as great when I replied, 
 "No, gentlemen, don't kill the calf. Let him con- 
 tinue to live and act as chairman," and I gently 
 waved my hand toward the chair. I told the con- 
 vention that I regarded my reception as most 
 appropriate ; that I needed something to counter- 
 act the bad breath that the Greenback and Demo- 
 cratic leaders had been blowing upon me; that 
 from the tone of the Republican press I was led 
 to believe that I had come to fill an aching void ; 
 that the Republican Party, like Diogenes of old, 
 had long been searching for an honest man and 
 they had been more successful than the old phil- 
 osopher, for they had at last found one. Here 
 the chairman asked, "Where is he?" I replied, 
 "Have I been so long among you and yet you
 
 8 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 know me not?" "You may be honest," retorted 
 the chairman, "but I see no signs of it." I re- 
 plied, "Behold it is written a wicked and adulter- 
 ous generation seeketh after a sign, but no sign 
 shall be given them." Then some one from the 
 gallery yelled, "You joined the Republican Party 
 to get an office !" "You went to the penitentiary 
 to learn a trade !" I retorted. After the commo- 
 tion had subsided I said: "The charge that I 
 joined the Republican Party to get an offic© has 
 been made so frequently that I begin to believe 
 it myself, although I know it is a lie. Still I 
 would like to have it understood that while I am 
 not insensible to the honors that my fellow citi- 
 zens may thrust upon me without solicitation, I 
 do not propose to kiss any man's wife, his man- 
 servant, his maid-servant, his ox or anything 
 that is his to get into office." 
 
 No sooner had the convention adjourned than 
 letters began to come from all parts of the State 
 beseeching me to address the people. One was 
 signed by a dozen prominent men, assuring me 
 that everybody in that vicinity and for twenty 
 miles around could not be content until I ad- 
 dressed them. To this I replied that I would feel 
 greatly flattered by the assurance made if only I 
 could believe it, and in order to ascertain the
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 9 
 
 facts, I proposed to speak in that locality if one 
 thousand persons would raise two and one-half 
 cents apiece to pay me for my expenses incurred 
 while doing so, or I would speak if a less number 
 would guarantee the entire sum. As I received 
 no reply to this letter I have sometimes doubted 
 the said assurance. 
 
 The annoyances I experienced in all other ways 
 did not equal tiiose coming to me from curbstone 
 politicians. Whenever I appeared on the streets, 
 some one would hail me and ask a question about 
 politics and then proceed to give the answer him- 
 self in a very offensive manner. A crowd would 
 immediately gather, and before I knew it I would 
 be involved in a joint discussion which I could 
 not abandon without appearing to fly and could 
 not conduct without exhausting my strength so 
 as to unfit me for the discharge of the day's du- 
 ties in my profession. For several days I began 
 the morning with the resolution that I would re- 
 frain from political arguments, but before an 
 hour had elapsed, I found myself neck deep in 
 the boiling broth of a sidewalk discussion, and 
 when night came I had accomplished nothing ex- 
 cept furnishing a talking mark for some zealot 
 who had political hydrophobia in its most viru- 
 lent stage. Finally I concluded that if I must
 
 10 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 discuss politics it would be better to abandon 
 everything else and take the stump. There I 
 could air my magnificent views to vast audi- 
 ences instead of attempting to convert the seventy 
 millions in the nation by arguing with each one 
 separately.
 
 TRIALS Of A STUMP SPEAKER. ii 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 A COLD AUDIENCE. 
 
 Few realize the prodigious labor necessary to 
 conduct a Presidential campaign. The fountain- 
 head of political enthusiasm is the National Com- 
 mittee, having its principal ofifices in New York, 
 and as subsidiary to it and acting under its su- 
 pervision are the central committees of the several 
 States. The national organization makes assess- 
 ments upon the various Republican officeholders 
 and solicits contributions from persons and cor- 
 porations interested in the result of the election 
 and thus collects the "sinews of war." It en- 
 gages campaign orators and assigns them to the 
 States and provides for their compensation, ex- 
 pecting the State committees to defray their ex- 
 penses while speaking in the several States. It 
 compiles and issues a campaign book for the use 
 of stumpers, which contains all the stock argu- 
 ments that are known to exist in favor of the 
 position of the party and facts showing the fit-
 
 12 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 ness of the national candidates. My first task in 
 preparation was to gorge myself with the con- 
 tents of this book. It was larger than the New 
 Testament, and contained matter as dry and un- 
 interesting as the average insurance policy. En- 
 thusiastic as I was, I could not absorb it. My 
 memory revolted. Even those passages that I 
 had conned until I could repeat them verbatim 
 seemed senseless to me. Whatever ideas were 
 couched in the verbiage, failed to soak in. Dur- 
 ing the ten days occupied by the State Commit- 
 tee in arranging my appointments, this horrible 
 campaign book was a terror by day and a night- 
 mare at night. I read it through time and again 
 seriatim, then began at the end and read back 
 to the beginning, then jumped into the middle of 
 it and went back and forth and criss-cross. To 
 get some of its turgid contents in my unrespon- 
 sive mind, I tried the diagram process. I made 
 a skeleton of it, and drawing the ragged outlines 
 before my gaze I tried to cover their ugliness 
 with flesh, hoping thereby to produce somethiag 
 fit for exhibition. But when my time had ex- 
 pired and I was compelled to start for my first 
 appointment I felt greatly distressed for lack 
 of preparation. I knew that I was loaded, that 
 I possessed all the matter necessary to make a
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 13 
 
 protracted speech, but it was so unassorted and 
 disarranged that the end of my speech was hkely 
 to forget the beginning. As the train rapidly 
 sped through the autumn woods I was uncon- 
 scious of their gorgeous hues. ]\Iy mind was 
 wandering over the stubble field of this campaign 
 book. Finally, when I approached my destina- 
 tion and heard the sonorous strains of a brass 
 band play "Here the Conquering Hero Comes," 
 I experienced an enlargement of the heart that 
 made me feel that I was cocked and primed for 
 a multitude of Democratic wildcats. I said, "Let 
 me once see the bloodshot glint of a Democratic 
 eye and it will inspire me, at once bring into order 
 all my chaotic knowledge like a magnet arranges 
 iron filings. The white heat of combat will make 
 me glow with fervor until my magnetic presence 
 will charm my vast audience so that I can lead 
 them as easily into the great Republican Part\- 
 as the good shepherd places his lambs in the 
 fold." 
 
 It was 7 40 in the evening when I arrived. I 
 bolted a supper of fried chicken and rushed from 
 the table to the hall. There on a high stage, in 
 a dimly lighted room, with a scattered audience 
 far below me, whose countenances were scarcely 
 visible in the blear light, I began.
 
 14 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 What the hall lacked In ventilation it made up 
 in echo. I found that the load of poultry which 
 I carried spavined the wings of my imagination. 
 My wear>^ periods refused to flow freely. I tried 
 to make up for the slowness of my utterances by 
 increasing the volume of the tones. I proceeded 
 in a very loud voice to turn the electric light on 
 the Democratic Party. I canonized the Republi- 
 can managers as a rosary of saints. My hearers 
 were still unmoved. I then opened an artillery of 
 ridicule. I made the principles of the Democratic 
 Party appear exceedingly lame, halt and decrepit. 
 I cartooned the Democratic leadership. I burles- 
 qued the Democratic position and focused upon 
 its grotesque center the keenest shafts of wit and 
 sarcasm. My audience remained as motionless 
 as tombstones in an evening zephyr. 
 
 I then took off my coat, rolled up my sleeves, 
 removed my collar, determined to wake up my 
 audience or perish. I stated the question to be 
 whether God or Satan should reign in America. 
 I plunged at once into the core of this question. 
 1 cannonaded the enemies' ranks until I had killed 
 every grasshopper on the field. I perspired pro- 
 fusely. I frothed at the mouth. My voice broke 
 down. I wheezed, drank water and wheezed 
 again. Still my auditors were quiet as mummies
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 15 
 
 in a sepulcher. I was about to conclude that they 
 were deaf or dead when an event happened that 
 convinced me to the contrary. As I was about 
 to drink a second glass of water one of my audi- 
 ence arose and said, "Mr. Chairman, I object to 
 running a windmill by water." 
 
 The applause that followed this objection was 
 terrific. The audience laughed, clapped their 
 hands, spanked their bodies, stamped their feet 
 and shouted. Some bent double and pressed their 
 hands to their shaking sides to keep their ribs in 
 place while they te-he'd to the floor. Some 
 slapped each other, threw their heads backwards, 
 opened their mouths and howled their emotions at 
 the ceiling. 
 
 When tlie noise had subsided I said that no one 
 but a Democrat could run a windmill by whiskey. 
 The retort evoked no enthusiasm. The back- 
 bone of my speech had been broken. I gathered 
 up the fag ends and closed in as good order as 
 possible. While leaving the hall the chairman 
 of the meeting informed me that nearly all my 
 audience were Democrats. In this way he ac- 
 counted for the lack of appreciation shown dur- 
 ing the delivery of the speech.
 
 l6 TRIALS OF A olUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 A CADAVER IN OFFICE. 
 
 So great was the chagrin experienced at my 
 first meeting that I spent the remainder of the 
 night on a restless pillow, racked and tortured by 
 the recollection of the fizzle my first effort had 
 caused, and my only consolation was the thought 
 that on the morrow I was to speak where my Re- 
 publican friends greatly exceeded in number the 
 opposition. Great was my surprise when I did 
 not hear a brass band salute the train as it arrived 
 at the station, and there was no one to meet me. I 
 found my way to a hotel, registered, and asked 
 the landlord if arrangements had been made for 
 my speech. He had heard nothing about it. I 
 walked along the principal streets. There was an 
 air of quiet and solemnity painful to me. I saw 
 bills hanging in windows announcing political 
 meetings that had been held the year before, but 
 none relative to my speech. I went to the office 
 of the Republican newspaper and found it in the
 
 TRIALS ^OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 17 
 
 possession of a lean, faded girl, who said the 
 editor and foreman had gone to a funeral. She 
 had not heard that I was to speak, and there had 
 been no notice in the last paper. She said the 
 Republican committeeman had also gone to the 
 funeral. I went up the main street and inquired 
 of every one I met, but none had heard I was to 
 speak. It seemed as if the whole party had gone 
 to a funeral. At last I found a man who fished 
 a small bill out of a waste-basket, containing my 
 name. But it did not state when I would speak 
 or what I would speak about. The sight of this 
 bill infuriated me. I clutched it eagerly, crammed 
 it into my pocket and determined to find the 
 committeeman who had thus advertised my meet- 
 ing, and relieve my pent-up feelings. Late in 
 the afternoon a tall, raw-boned, ungainly, lazy- 
 looking fellow came sauntering down the street 
 and he was pointed out to me as the committee- 
 man. I assailed him at once. "My name is Wil- 
 cox. I was sent here to speak to-night. Why 
 haven't you advertised my meeting?" "I have," 
 said he. "Where?" I asked. "In the bottom of 
 a waste-basket or in the mud of a gutter ?" "I got 
 out and distributed twenty-five bills," he drawled. 
 I raised my hands in horror and exclaimed: 
 "Twenty-five bills ! My God ! think of it ! And
 
 l8 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 such bills !" Taking the one out of my pocket I 
 brandished it before him and asked, "Is this in- 
 significant scab one of them? Why, you can 
 scarcely see it with the naked eye. You might 
 have stated what kind of a meeting I was to ad- 
 dress and which side of the political fight I would 
 take." ''We didn't know," said he. "You have 
 changed your politics so often we didn't know 
 which side of the fence you would be on when 
 you got here." "The condition of the Republi- 
 can organization in this town ought to be suffi- 
 cient to make me change if anything would," I 
 retorted. "Have you any suggestions to make 
 relative to my address?" "Nothing in particu- 
 lar," he answered, "except I wish you would 
 avoid saying anything against the Democratic 
 Party. I am running for office and have several 
 Democratic friends who might be offended and 
 vote against me." "What do you mean?" I 
 asked, "by requiring me to make a Republican 
 speech without saying anything against the 
 Democratic Party?" "Why," he said, "a 
 speaker was sent here last year by the State Com- 
 mittee, who abused the Democratic Party, and 
 that speech lost us lots of votes." "Abused the 
 Democratic Party!" I cried, with astonishment. 
 "I did not suppose such a thing could be done ;
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 19 
 
 he must have had a great command of language !" 
 "Well, he hurt their feelings, anyway, and I wish 
 you wouldn't do that," he persisted. I learned 
 this man had larded an arm-chair and roasted 
 his shins in a county office for a quarter of a 
 century until he had become too lazv to comb his 
 hair, and had barely life enough to draw his 
 breath and his salary. He was a fair sample of 
 the deadheads that usually creep into the nerve 
 centers of a political organization after a long 
 period of power. I replied, "I fear I cannot make 
 a Republican speech without saying anything 
 against the Democrats, but I will try." And I 
 did. The meeting was held in a hall so dirty 
 that the rats might well have held their noses 
 when they ran over the floor. The lamp chim- 
 neys were shaded with several generations of fly 
 specks. The committeeman was there and a few 
 Republican officeholders who clustered around an 
 old rickety stove like nocturnal bats huddled to- 
 gether. I do not think any Democrats were pres- 
 ent, but if they were I did not hurt their feelings. 
 I did not mention the Democratic Party. I fo- 
 cussed my attention on the committeeman. I 
 strove to puncture his rhinoceros hide. I ex- 
 plained to him the simple process of advertising 
 a meeting, and the necessity of procuring a de-
 
 20 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 cent hall for such a pubHc address. I described 
 how the Republican Party was crippled by im- 
 becile pap suckers who had gone to sleep in the 
 cogs of the political machine. I claimed that the 
 party in that locality had no use for a political 
 orator, but needed instead a scavenger to clean 
 out and bury the offal and refuse of thirty years. 
 Increasing in fervor as I proceeded, I declared 
 that I had for many years been the carrion clerk 
 in a rendering house where the carcasses of dead 
 hogs were converted into soap grease. That I 
 had become familiar with acres of carrion and 
 the intolerable stench with which it befouls the 
 air, but never before had I beheld such a slough- 
 ing aggregation of pus and putridity as had col- 
 lected in the core of the Republican organization 
 at that point. My effort was useless. The com- 
 mitteeman had fallen asleep. When I ceased, 
 some one wakened him and he came up and 
 shook hands with me, congratulating me on my 
 splendid speech and expressed regret that so few 
 were present to hear it.
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 21 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 AT THE COUNTY FAIR. 
 
 iOn the following day I was to address a great 
 County Fair on what was known as "Republican 
 Day." County Fairs are a collection of gambling 
 devices and catch-penny concerns, in association 
 with a few agricultural implements, large vege- 
 tables and fast horses. Here the raw gosling 
 meanders from one skinning machine to another 
 until his pockets are empty. Here are exhibited 
 the noted freaks in the country, both of nature 
 and of art, horses with fleet limbs, donkeys with 
 big voices, the two-headed woman, the snake- 
 charmer, and last but not least the political ora- 
 tor. Here on the same ground with the "Chester 
 Whites" and the "Poland Chinas," T was placed 
 on exhibition as a sample of the products of Iowa 
 soil. Big pumpkins and big speeches were alike 
 eagerly sought by the management. 
 
 I was placed on a platform on the north side 
 of a bass-wood amphitheatre. Immediately in
 
 '?-? 
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 front of me was a large opening around which 
 blew the south wind against my face. My audi- 
 ence was located on either side of the open space, 
 but so far from me that it would have been im- 
 possible for me, thus speaking against the wind, 
 to be heard, even had I possessed a throat of 
 brass inspired with iron lungs. Borne on the 
 southern breeze were the noises of the peanut 
 venders, the gambling fakirs, the side-show ora- 
 tors, the rattle of the merry-go-rounds, the music 
 of the platform dance, the neighing of prize stal- 
 lions and the braying of remarkable donkeys, all 
 combined and commingled in a great agricultural 
 anthem. I stood in this gale with the sun glaring 
 in my eyes. I sucked wind and belched it forth 
 with all the force of my being, trying by a great 
 and almost superhuman effort to raise my voice 
 above the noise and hub-bub that was all around 
 me. My audience sat in the shade, shelled pea- 
 nuts, conversed together and seemingly enjoyed 
 themselves just as well as they would have done 
 had I not been speaking. They came and went 
 when they wished to and suffered no special in- 
 convenience on my account. I was regarded as 
 one of the freaks on exhibition. They looked at 
 me as much as they cared to and then went away. 
 I shouted, I perspired, I sawed the air and I
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 23 
 
 spouted like a porpoise. "What," I asked, "is 
 the chief glory of this beloved country?" 
 
 There came wafted on the air this reply: 
 "Fresh roasted peanuts, double-jointed peanuts, 
 corduroy peanuts ! Wipe your eyes and peel their 
 sockets, warm your hands and fill your pockets! 
 Buflf-colored peanuts, five cents a glass !" 
 
 "Fellow-countrymen," I thundered, "behold 
 the sun-bright record and the achievements of 
 our grand old Republican Party " 
 
 "Go right in now and see the great bald-headed, 
 double-bearded female orang-outang, Urebus 
 Pnrebus, from Heligoland!" yelled the side-show 
 orator. 
 
 "Here the bosom of the true patriot must heave 
 with righteous pride," I continued. 
 
 "Here's where you get your ice-cold, rose- 
 colored lemonade, already made, stirred with a 
 spade, wrung from the bosom of a South Ameri- 
 can lemon, forty degrees belo^v the surface of the 
 earth, by the light of a diamond." 
 
 "Standing by the tomb of the martyred Lin- 
 coln, what," I asked, "should be the conduct of 
 a patriot?" 
 
 "Join hands with your partners and all circle 
 round !" came the answer from the caller at the 
 platform dance.
 
 24 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 "Listen to the warning voice from the grave," 
 T continued. Just then the prize donkey lifted up 
 its voice and sang the "ahe-hah-ah-ahi-ha-hahe." 
 My speech was sandwiched with interruptions of 
 the foregoing nature from persons selHng home- 
 made pies, taffy, candy, and toy balloons, inter- 
 larded with the ringing of dinner-bells, beating 
 of gongs and tooting of tin trumpets. The crow- 
 ing of gleeful cocks, squealing of hungry pigs, 
 bellowing of uneasy bulls, and numerous barn- 
 yard strains joined in the chorus. I competed 
 with this combination for three-quarters of an 
 hour. Some one then announced that in fifteen 
 minutes the great race between "Bare Bones" and 
 "Betsy Shanks" would occur. 
 
 "What is your horse race compared with the 
 great Presidential race? I shouted. "The Re- 
 publican Party has entered a horse with a record 
 and a pedigree as long as the statute of limita- 
 tions! The Democrats have furnished a critter 
 who has neither ancestry nor posterity ! The Re- 
 publican animal is sound in wind, limb and eye- 
 sight ; the Democratic beast is blind, wind-broken 
 and spavined! Our horse is trim in build and 
 clean in body and function. The nag of tlie 
 Democrats is bull-necked, big-bellied, sway- 
 backed, glandered. ring-boned and covered with
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 25 
 
 excrescences ! Which of these do you propose to 
 bet your money on ? Which is the most Hable 
 to win the race ? Why, gentlemen, their weather- 
 beaten combination of skin and bones, weakened 
 by disease and hunger, will be passed on the first 
 quarter-stretch by our beautiful racer as easily 
 as a comet passes the fixed star." 
 
 "Say, Cap, cut her short,' said the chairman. 
 "It's time for the races, the horses are ready." 
 
 Being thus called down, I desisted from fur- 
 ther interference with the pastimes and pleasures 
 of the audience, who were evidently more desir- 
 ous of witnessing an exhibition of legs than 
 lungs.
 
 26 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE BLUNDERER. 
 
 The chagrin provoked by the failure of my 
 first meeting had been deepened into disgust and 
 anger by my second, and I v/as in no mood to 
 endure further persecution. I felt inclined to 
 cancel all my appointments, resign as candidate 
 for Presidential elector and return to my neg- 
 lected business, but finally determined to try 
 again. 
 
 When I arrived at my next appointment I 
 learned that the committeeman was proprietor of 
 a grist mill, a cheese factory, railroad station 
 agent, sexton at the principal church, and land- 
 lord at the hotel. He forgot to meet me when 
 the train arrived, and gave the room intended 
 for me to a lightning-rod agent. In publishing 
 the notice of my meeting, he made a mistake in 
 the date. He hired a hall, but failed to observe 
 that it had no stove or heating apparatus. At eight 
 o'clock he escorted me to the place. We found it
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 27 
 
 brilliantly lighted, filled with empty chairs and 
 cold air. He said he had intended to have the 
 town band play a few tunes, but he had forgotten 
 to make the arrangement; that he had ordered 
 some small bills, but the printer had made a 
 mistake in them and referred to me as a Demo- 
 cratic speaker ; that he had arranged for a ladies' 
 choir to be present and sing some stirring cam- 
 paign songs, but by some inadvertence had told 
 them the meeting was a day later. He said it 
 was a mistake in making an appointment at that 
 place because there were other points in the 
 county which had more need of a speech. He 
 said unfortunately the date had been fixed on the 
 night of a circus and a church festival ; and also 
 on the night of his daughter's \vedding and he 
 would have to return home soon to attend the 
 nuptial ceremony. I told him I thought a mis- 
 take had been made in electing him chairman 
 and another in sending me to speak in his county, 
 and advised him to abandon the meeting. This he 
 would not accede to. I then paced the hall with 
 my hands in my pockets, trying to keep warm 
 while he went out and hired a boy to ring a bell 
 through the streets and yell: "There's goin' to 
 be spe'kin' at the hall to-night!" In the course 
 of time a few weary-looking loafers came strag-
 
 28 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 gling in. They buttoned their coats close up 
 around their chins, sat down on the cold chairs 
 and put their hands in their pockets. As soon as 
 the nuptials were over the committeeman re- 
 turned and called the meeting to order. 
 
 In presenting me to the audience he said he 
 had the pleasure of introducing a political giant, 
 whose fame was so great that his name had be- 
 come a household word in every cottage in the 
 State ! and then he had to stop and ask me what 
 mv name was. - 
 
 I then began. The chairman sat down, leaned 
 back against the wall and propped his ponderous 
 feet on the chair rounds. I struck at once for 
 the heart of my subject. I tackled the tariff ques- 
 tion, showed how a high tariff raised the wages 
 of labor, and at the same time cheapened the 
 price of its products. The first effect of the tariff, 
 I remarked, was to raise prices, but I said: 
 "Gentlemen, even now things are about to fall." 
 This statement was punctuated by a crash. The 
 chairman's chair suddenly gave way and he 
 tumbled backward on the floor. This filled the 
 frosty atmosphere with merriment. The chair- 
 man selected another chair and I continued. My 
 argument now took a pathetic turn. I spoke of 
 the poor Irish peasant who lives on grass. I de-
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 29 
 
 scribed the famine-stricken multitude who were 
 leaning their gaunt forms over the Atlantic and 
 extending their skeleton hands, begging alms 
 from the world. I bored for water. I spoke of 
 the Irish babies who were so thin that it was 
 necessary to soak them in alum water to get them 
 to hold milk. I described them nursing on shriv- 
 eled bosoms that were so poor the moonlight 
 shone through them unobstructed. I related 
 these terrible tales with gushing tears, but the 
 audience did not share my pathos. They tittered 
 and chuckled with laughter all the time. I won- 
 dered at this until I heard a whine. Then I no- 
 ticed a large black dog sitting on his hind legs 
 beside me on the stage, loooking mournfully at 
 the audience. Here he had been sitting and whin- 
 ing unnoticed by me during my pathetic Irish ap- 
 peal. I kicked him from the platform, saying at 
 the same time: "No Democrats allowed to sit 
 on the stage." 
 
 When the commotion caused by this incident 
 subsided I resumed my argument. I spoke of the 
 bleak poverty of my parents and the hard for- 
 tune that befell me in youth when I drank from 
 frog ponds and grubbed land at five dollars an 
 acre and received compensation in yellow-legged 
 chickens at one dollar apiece. This deeply af-
 
 30 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 fected one of my auditors, he arose and inter- 
 rupted me by proposing that a collection be taken 
 for my benefit. This I declined, explaining that 
 I was now quite prosperous on account of the 
 bounty of Providence and the wise legislation of 
 the Republican Party. I then expatiated on the 
 numerous comforts which Republican legislation 
 had given the country. 
 
 When I spoke of the warm houses, my few 
 auditors shivered in the cold. When I spoke of 
 the good clothes, they covered the cofifee-sack 
 patches on their knees with their hands. 
 
 Before I began my speech I had told the chair- 
 man I must leave on the train at lo :i5, and asked 
 him to stop me at ten o'clock. This he promised 
 to do. Wliile speaking, I heard an engine 
 whistle. I looked at my watch and found it was 
 already train time. Hoping I might still get the 
 train, I grabbed my coat, hat and valise and 
 started on a run for the depot, but I was too late. 
 I had to remain for the train that was due at 
 three in the morning. In a little while the com- 
 mitteeman reached the depot and explained to me 
 the cause of his failure to stop me at ten o'clock. 
 He said his watch had stopped without his knowl- 
 edge. He insisted that I go to tlie hotel and sleep 
 until half-past two in the morning and he would
 
 TRIALS or A STUMP SPEAKER. 31 
 
 see that I was called in time for the train. 1 
 thanked him for his kindness, but said that I was 
 afraid some unavoidable mistake, inevitable ac- 
 cident, unheard-of misfortune, or never-to-l.c- 
 expected inadvertency would prevent his waking 
 me in time, and I preferred remaining awake to 
 placing my reliance on this ill-fated committee- 
 man. I became very anxious to leave the scene 
 of constant mistake and misfortune. I dared not 
 doze an instant for fear some dreadful calamity 
 would befall me. I felt in constant danger lest 
 the roof of the depot cave in, a v/hirlwind pick 
 up the town and scatter it, or an earthquake shake 
 it to pieces and drop the fragments on a lava bed. 
 The train was an hour late, but at last it came 
 and I boarded it and in the gray morning was on 
 the way to my next appointment.
 
 32 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 A GREAT MEETING 
 
 When within forty miles of my next appoint- 
 ment I was awakened from my uncomfortable 
 position in the ordinary coach, where I had been 
 trying to get a little sleep, by five gentlemen, who 
 introduced themselves as a committee sent out 
 to meet me and escort me to the city. After each 
 had been properly introduced and a few formal 
 remarks been made, one of them said : "We came 
 specially to urge you not to say anything against 
 prohibition. We have many ardent prohibition- 
 ists in our city who will probably vote with us if 
 you do not offend them." "Have no fears for me, 
 gentlemen," I said, "for I have long occupied 
 the crank row in the Prohibition army." "And 
 we," said another, speaking for the three others 
 whom he pointed out, "came as a committee to 
 request you to say nothing in favor of Prohibi- 
 tion, because in our city we have many anti-Pro- 
 hibitionists whom we expect will vote for us if
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 33 
 
 not oflfended." "Don't worry about that," I said, 
 "for while I am, as I previously remarked, a 
 strong Prohibitionist, yet I go to great excess in 
 the matter. I am in favor of prohibiting Prohi- 
 bition itself." It was now daybreak and in the 
 bleak, frosty autumn morning, worn and ex- 
 hausted with excitement and loss of sleep, I tried 
 to smile and be merry while this committee pro- 
 ceeded to tell me what T should say in my speech. 
 I was advised to give the Union soldiers great 
 praise, but to avoid saying anything that might 
 offend Copperheads or Confederates, as many of 
 them were now in the Republican Party. In 
 promising pensions to all I must avoid the idea 
 that the expenses of Government would be 
 thereby increased. On the tariff question I was 
 instructed to promise high wages to wage-work- 
 ers and cheap labor to employers, large prices to 
 manufacturers and low prices to consumers. On 
 the money question T was to show how stopping 
 the coinage of silver had increased the volume of 
 money, and to condemn Grover Cleveland for try- 
 ing to stop the silver coinage for the purpose of 
 contracting the volume of currency. I was or- 
 dered to account for the hard times by over-pro- 
 duction and failure of crops, and to prove that 
 the best interests of the Democratic Partv re-
 
 34 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 quired it to place the Republican Party in power. 
 These were a few of the pieces of advice be- 
 stowed upon me so liberally by this committee. 
 
 I noticed bills posted on depots as we were 
 whirled by on the train, announcing- in glowing 
 colors the great rally to be held that evening. 
 It was after sunrise when we arrived at our des- 
 tination. As the train approached the station I 
 heard a band playing, and the leading citizens 
 were busily engaged in decorating their places of 
 business with banners and bunting. More than a 
 hundred members of a Republican marching 
 club, dressed with long ulsters and gray plug 
 hats, had come with the band to meet me. It was 
 only two blocks to the hotel where I was to stop, 
 but they had provided an open carriage for me to 
 ride in. After being introduced to the expectant 
 citizens I was deposited in the carriage. The 
 procession, led by the band, then wended its way 
 toward the hotel. Arriving at the hotel, I was 
 advised to take breakfast immediately so that I 
 could prepare for the reception of the school- 
 teachers of the city, who had assembled in the 
 parlors aw-aiting an opportunity to greet me. 
 Prominent members of the Republican Party 
 went with me to breakfast and kept up a constant 
 stream of questions and advice during the entire
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 35 
 
 time I was eating. When I had finished I brushed 
 the dust from my wrinkled apparel and proceeded 
 to receive the school-teachers. Headed by the 
 superintendent, a bevy of care-worn young 
 women passed in line before me, extending to me 
 their intellectual palms. Some had dry, bony 
 fingers that crackled and rattled when I seized 
 them ; some cold, wet hands that oozed like a 
 sponge in my grasp ; some soft, warm, electric 
 palms that made me wish to be a schoolboy again 
 that I might be spanked by them. When I had 
 received these I was informed that the Mayor 
 and his retinue were waiting. As soon as I sig- 
 nified that I would see them, the Islayor entered, 
 followed by the council, police and other city offi- 
 cers. After these came the lawyers, doctors, min- 
 isters, merchants and many other branches of 
 business, also members of various lodges. Dur- 
 ing the entire time the band played in front of 
 the hotel. 
 
 I received invitations to go to the courtrooms 
 and sit on the bench with the judges. I was 
 urged to occupy the box in a theater at the mat- 
 inee. I was cordially invited to many private 
 houses for dinner. Some claimed they were rela- 
 tives of mine ; others that they knew my parents 
 before I was born. I was asked to recommend
 
 36 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 others for federal appointments; and some of a 
 more mercenary turn tried to sell me receipts for 
 removing warts and to cure corns. 
 
 Among that great crowd that gathered around 
 me were the newspaper reporters. They adjusted 
 their pumps to extract my opinions on the lead- 
 ing questions of the day. I told them that mar- 
 riage might be a failure, but the Republican party 
 was a grand success; that the frosts of autumn 
 would spare the corn and take the Democratic 
 Party. All this served to keep me talking until 
 night came. I was not allowed one moment's 
 rest. As soon as it was dark the torchlight pro- 
 cession began to form a block away from the 
 hotel, and a vast multitude came out to see it. 
 There were fifteen hundred torches and three 
 brass bands in the procession. At the head of 
 this procession marched the police on foot, then 
 came the carriage drawn by four white horses, 
 in which I rode in company with the county 
 chairman and the candidate for Congress. The 
 line of march was along crowded streets where 
 hundreds of men, women and children clapped 
 their hands, waved their handkerchiefs and 
 shouted as I passed. It was glorious, indeed ! At 
 last we reached a high platform in the middle of 
 a public square, from which it was designed that
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 37 
 
 I should speak. There were acres of people 
 about me. After a selection by the band had 
 been played and the Glee Club had sung a song, 
 the chairman announced that while the crowd 
 was gathering the candidate for Congress would 
 make a few remarks. He was well known as a 
 distressing speaker. His lack of brilliancy was 
 made up in length. He possessed a small, 
 cracked, squeaky voice, but though weak in voice 
 he was strong in gesticulation. He had a coarse, 
 ugly face, yet its absence of beauty was supplied 
 in brass. His ideas were meagre and common- 
 place, but he had plenty of words. His few re- 
 marks continued for two hours and a quarter, 
 during which time the audience gradually dis- 
 persed. Frequently during his speech he referred 
 to me as an orator who would follow him with a 
 great speech. Many times he protested that he 
 did not intend to make a speech, but only to oc- 
 cupy a few minutes while the crowd was gather- 
 ing. After all those who dared to leave had gone 
 home and only the committeemen and a few can- 
 didates remained, he introduced me as the young 
 Demosthenes who would plead the Republican 
 cause. I arose and thanked the audience for their 
 kind attention during the long, weary hours they 
 had stood on tired feet with such patience, listen-
 
 2^ TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 ing to the crushing arguments of their candidate, 
 but I insisted that there were laws to prevent 
 cruelty to animals, and I thought the audience 
 under that law was entitled to some protection. 
 Therefore I would not detain them, but hoped at 
 some future time it might be my pleasure to ad- 
 dress them. Then the meeting adjourned. T 
 walked back to the hotel with the committeeman. 
 The scene of splendor that accompanied my tri- 
 umphal ride to the platform had passed away. We 
 went along quietly through the dark streets. 
 Once he broke the silence by expressing a regret 
 that I had been deprived of an opportunity to 
 make my speech. I answered that it was a great 
 pleasure to be used as a billboard to advertise 
 another man. When we reached the hotel there 
 were no delegations waiting to receive me. The 
 chairman asked me to excuse him and went home. 
 I entered the hotel, saw the clerk and asked him 
 for my key. He inquired my name; I told him, 
 received the key and v^^ent to my room as un- 
 noticed as any other stranger. The pageant of 
 political splendor had passed, the fox fare had 
 paled, the great man of the morning had become 
 common clay.
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 39 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 PRINTERS INK. 
 
 None of my previous disappointments had 
 caused me so much distress as my last one. It 
 was like jerking me from a warm, perfuincd 
 couch into a pool of ice-water. I was now mad, 
 and when I reached my next appointment and no 
 one met me at the train, and I found no arrange- 
 ments had been made for my entertainment at 
 the hotel, and no bills were posted announcing my 
 speech, I became hot. ''Where is the Republi- 
 can committeeman?" I demanded of the landlord 
 at the hotel. 
 
 "He is a lawyer, and his office is over the brick 
 store on the next corner south of here," he an- 
 swered. 
 
 "I want to see him," I said, and started out 
 for that purpose. I found him sitting behind his 
 feet in a filthy office, smoking a cigar, compared 
 with which the odor of a skunk is a delicious 
 perfume.
 
 40: TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 "My name is Wilcox. Are you the Republi- 
 can committeeman?" I asked. 
 
 "I expect I am," he said. 
 
 ''Where am I to speak to-night?" 
 
 "At the Courthouse." 
 
 "What is the matter with the Opera House?" 
 
 "It takes money to rent it and we are poor." 
 
 "How much?" 
 
 "About five dollars." 
 
 "Five dollars! I've come one hundred miles 
 to make a speech here to-night and I must have 
 a decent place to speak in. If you can't pay 
 for the Opera House, I can. Come along with 
 me and show me the manager of the house." 
 
 He reduced the slack in his legs, hitched up his 
 trousers, and took me to the individual who had 
 control of the Opera House. I said to him, "I 
 came here to speak to-night for the Republican 
 Party. That party has been in continuous power 
 in this State for more than a quarter of a cen- 
 tury and in this locality from time immemorial. 
 Its long years of prosperity have made it so poor 
 that it cannot pay for a decent place to speak in. 
 I don't propose to grind my vocal organs to 
 empty benches in a dingy old Courthouse. I want 
 to hire the Opera House. How much is It? I'll 
 pay it."
 
 TRIALS Of A STUMP SPEAKER. 41 
 
 "Not a cent, Mr. Wilcox," said the manager, 
 bowing politely. 
 
 "Thank you. Have it ready for a meeting to- 
 night and I will do the rest," said I. Then turn- 
 ing to the committeeman I said, "Show me a 
 printing office, quick."' He complied. I went 
 into the office and said to the man in charge, 
 "Give me a pencil and a sheet of paper." He 
 handed them to me and I wrote as follows : 
 
 BEHOLD ! ! ! ! 
 
 HENRY S. WILCOX, THE GREATEST 
 WIT, ORATOR, NOVELIST, IN THE 
 KNOWN WORLD, WILL POSITIVELY 
 SPEAK IN THE BEHALF OF THE RE- 
 PUBLICAN PARTY AND ANNIHILATE 
 THE OPPOSITION, AT THE OPERA 
 HOUSE TO-NIGHT. LADIES AS WELL 
 AS GENTLEMEN WILL BE PER^IITTED 
 TO ENJOY THIS GREAT TREAT. 
 
 "Print this on one thousand small hand-bills as 
 soon as possible," I said. "I will return for them 
 in one hour." 
 
 Then I told the committeeman he must intro- 
 duce me to every man, woman and child we
 
 42 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 could find on the streets, and in the stores. Re- 
 luctantly he complied. When introduced I said, 
 "I am going to speak to-night at the Opera 
 House. If you are a Republican come out and 
 enjoy yourself. If you are a Democrat come 
 and sit in the gale. I will promise that you shall 
 not take cold. Come out and bring with you 
 every man woman and child in your neighbor- 
 hood. I will do my best to please you." In this 
 way we went from street corner to street corner, 
 and from one business house to another until I 
 had hugged the palms of several hundred people 
 and invited every one to attend my meeting. The 
 hour having expired, we went for the bills. They 
 were printed. I took them, and when I had di- 
 vided the town into districts I hired a boy for each 
 district to distribute them, charging him to go to 
 every house and read the bill to every one seen 
 on the premises, after which he should give them 
 to each person so that they would be sure to re- 
 member to come. After this was under headway 
 I said to the committeeman, "T am tired and 
 sleepy. I have had no rest for a long time. "Can 
 I rely on you to do something?" By this time 
 he had almost come to life. He said, "I will do 
 whatever you wish." "Tlien," T said, "as soon as 
 it gets dark build a great bonfire in front of the
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 43 
 
 Opera House. Fire some Roman candles and 
 load and shoot a pair of anvils as fast as you can 
 for half an hour." Relying on his agreement to 
 do this, I returned to the hotel, and when I had 
 eaten a lunch I retired to my room and was soon 
 asleep. About half-past seven the committee- 
 man came to my room and awakened me. 
 
 "What's up now?" I inquired. 
 
 "I wish you to go down to the Opera House," 
 he said, his eyes beaming like two moons. I 
 looked at my watch and remarked that it was yet 
 not quite eight o'clock. "But the house is 
 packed and the people are getting impatient," he 
 persisted. So I went. We had considerable diffi- 
 culty to work our way into the hall. The entrance 
 was blocked by a scrambling mob trying to edge 
 themselves in. Our appearance was the sign for 
 a mighty shout. I found a bare spot on the 
 stage and began. Almost every sentence was fol- 
 lowed by lusty cheers. The applause at times 
 was protracted and deafening. Only once was 
 there any stirring about among the audience. T 
 was considering the subject of Grover Cleveland. 
 T spoke of his slipping his collar over his head 
 without unbuttoning it, of his having special 
 chairs made to sit in, of his buying his breeches 
 by the acre, and of h\^ using the microscope to
 
 44 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 find flaws in eight-dollar pension bills. While 
 thus speaking one of my auditors who sat near 
 the center of the hall jumped up suddenly and 
 bolted for the door. I did not know him, but I 
 was inspired. I said, "At this point the Post- 
 master usually goes out." I was in great luck, 
 for he was the Postmaster. Tremendous and 
 protracted was the applause. It took nearly two 
 hours to deliver my address so frequently was T 
 compelled to stop on account of the enthusiasm of 
 the audience. When I had finished they gathered 
 around me in great numbers. Many said it was 
 the greatest speech that they had ever heard in 
 all their lives. An old soldier said, "God bless 
 you, my boy. I would like to have a chance to 
 vote for you for President." Some of the old 
 ladies asked me if my mother was living. Upon 
 my answering in the affirmative, they said she 
 must be very proud of her son, I shook hands 
 with nearly every man, woman and child in the 
 audience. During all this time the committeeman 
 stood around and cackled like a hen that had 
 laid a double-yolked Q:gg. I was urged to speak 
 at other places in the county, but declined. It 
 was nearly midnight when the train arrived that 
 was to bear me to my next appointment. About
 
 TRIALS OP A STUMP SPEAKER 45 
 
 one hundred of my audience kept me company 
 until I boarded the train. 
 
 The meeting had been a tremendous success, 
 H great ovation. Printers' ink, powder, noise 
 and personal effort had done it. I felt that mj- 
 work was not vain when I learned that the Gov- 
 ernor of the State had made a speech at the 
 Courthouse in that same town a few days before 
 to less than a dozen auditors. If a man has not 
 already gained a reputation of being a distress- 
 ing speaker, printers' ink, noise and personal ef- 
 forts can fill the largest hall in any town at any 
 time. If his name is a blank it can be filled out 
 and made great, but let him once become known 
 is a bore and then no amount of puffing or exer- 
 tion can provide him with an audience.
 
 46 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 IN THE enemy's COUNTRY. 
 
 The place where I expected to deliver my next 
 address was a locality where the Democrats out- 
 numbered the Republicans three to one. The 
 State Committee were reluctant about appoint- 
 ing a meeting at that place, as it was considered 
 uncertain about getting a crowd. I had antici- 
 pated talking to empty benches, and my surprise 
 can be imagined when upon coming to the hall I 
 found the entrance blocked with a large crowd 
 that could not get in and the entire hall stuffed 
 almost to suffocation. The stage had been fes- 
 tooned with evergreens. The speaker's desk was 
 decorated with a bouquet of roses and the atmos- 
 phere laden with perfume. As I marched down 
 the aisle, led by the local chairman, a mighty 
 shout arose from the vast throng and I felt trans- 
 ported like a superior being, to whom the multi- 
 tude delighted to pay reverence. When I arose 
 to speak, deafening applause thundered through-
 
 TRIALS or A STUMr SPEAKER. 47 
 
 out the hall. Never before had I received such 
 an ovation, and I swelled up for the greatest 
 effort of my life. I began, stating my delight in 
 meeting such a vast assemblage, and my gratitude 
 for this opportunity to expound the noble prin- 
 ciples of the great Republican party. Just then 
 a half dozen men seated near the stage rose and 
 bolted for the door, one of them exclaiming: "Oh, 
 hell!" This movement attracted the attention 
 of the entire audience, who laughed and tittered. 
 This disconcerted me, but I raised my voice and 
 said: "I notice that the Democrats are already 
 on the run." My remark evoked no applause. 
 Then I started again on my subject the best I 
 could, and stated the questions at issue in the 
 campaign. As soon as I had done so another 
 squad arose and rushed for the door. This was 
 the occasion for more applause from the audi- 
 ence. I remarked : "It does not take long to fill 
 small vessels." My comment fell with a dull 
 thud, creating no response. It is a rule among 
 actors that when one of them finds his manner 
 is not pleasing to his audience he makes the sharp- 
 est change of which he is capable. So I, in my 
 discomfiture, quit the argumentative strain and 
 attempted pyrotechnics. I spread the wings of 
 the great American eagle. I perched upon the
 
 48 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 loftiest peaks and was about to scream gloriously 
 when about one-third of the audience arose en 
 masse, uttering loud murmurs of displeasure and 
 otherwise acting as if they were terribly dis- 
 gusted, and by their departure left a large por- 
 tion of the hall entirely vacant. When this oc- 
 curred I stopped my pyrotechnics to remark : 
 "When shot is thrown among a crowd of curs 
 those only howl that are hit!" This elicited no 
 response except hisses. I observed the crowd 
 had gone out in bunches and the thought sud- 
 denly flashed into my mind that this was a con- 
 certed plot to break up my meeting. So I changed 
 my tone again. I summoned to my aid all my 
 powers of invective. I stated that in my youth 
 I had been a missionary among the toughest of 
 the tough and was familiar with the rascallions 
 that infest the Five Points at New York, and the 
 White Chapel district at London ; that I was ac- 
 customed to bear with the wickedness and degra- 
 dation of the most deformed imps of hell that dis- 
 grace the earth, but in my opinion there was a 
 depth of meanness so low that these miserable 
 creatures had never reached it ; that the limit of 
 total depravity might be claimed by these scoun- 
 drels who had come to a public meeting with the 
 deliberate intention of disturbing it, thus prevent-
 
 1 RIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 49 
 ing decent people from considering tlie great 
 public questions of the day. While finishing this 
 period a general stampede occurred and all that 
 remained of my audience was less than one hun- 
 dred, who evidently were Republicans, and all 
 that had attended in good faith. My feelings 
 were indescribable. To say that I was mad 
 seems inadequate. I experienced more kinds of 
 interlacing emotions, all of which were unpleas- 
 ant, than ever before in my life. My face became 
 blood-red, my voice trembled and I wanted to 
 kick the entire Democratic Party into a vapor, 
 but with a supreme effort I controlled my feel- 
 ings, thinking that the end had been reached in 
 the plot to annoy me. I started again on the 
 discussions of the issues when suddenly the lights 
 went out and left the room in darkness. Then I 
 was obliged to stop. The chairman left the stage 
 to find out the cause and tried to locate the place 
 where the gas could be turned on, the door at that 
 place was locked, and before any one could be 
 found who could unlock the door the remaining 
 few had left the hall and thus ended the meeting.
 
 t;0 TRIALS OF ^1 STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 THE GREAT DEBATE. 
 
 When I arrived at my next appointment, I 
 was asked if I was willing to meet my opponents 
 in joint discussion. 
 
 "Certainly," I said. 
 
 "When?" was asked. 
 
 "Any time, at once, as soon as possible," I an- 
 swered. 
 
 "Where?" was the next question. 
 
 "Anywhere, in town, in the country, in the 
 theatre, in the woods, in the cornfields, every- 
 where." 
 
 "Will you meet the Union Labor candidate and 
 the Prohibition candidate?" was the next inter- 
 rogatory. 
 
 "Of course," I said. "I am burning with de- 
 sire to meet any of the enemies of the great Re- 
 publican Party at any place and under any cir- 
 cumstances." Arrangements were accordingly 
 made for a four-handed discussion in which each
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 51 
 
 party was to be represented. The theatre was 
 packed, moderators selected and each party al- 
 lowed forty-five minutes. The Democratic 
 speaker was to open the discussion in a forty 
 minutes' address and be permitted to close in one 
 of five minutes. He was a round-headed, red- 
 faced brunette, with short, curly hair, pop eyes 
 and a squatty appearance. He waddled out on 
 the stage like a great toad and began. He said 
 that the Republican Party had been conceived in 
 sin and spawned a bastard and had always lived 
 in violation of the law. That it had schooled it- 
 self in crime until it had attained a perfection 
 without a parallel. That it had always nominated 
 men fit to effect its nefarious purposes, and in 
 the selection of Benjamin Harrison it had pro- 
 cured a tool especially adapted to the execution 
 of its wicked designs. He characterized the Re- 
 publican standard-bearer as a manikin who was 
 doing business in the great name of his grand- 
 father, but who in reality was nothing but a 
 shriveled hypocrite so cold in heart and selfish in 
 purpose that his touch would freeze a lizard in 
 mid-summer. The Democratic Party, he claimed, 
 had given birth to the nation, and had by its cour- 
 age in war and counsel in peace held the torch of 
 civilization above the futile eflforts of the Repub-
 
 52 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 lican Party to extinguish it. That the Democratic 
 Party, true to its unfailing instincts, had selected 
 from its band of patriots the brightest star in its 
 galaxy, and now invited all good and wise men to 
 follow this new Star of Bethlehem into the har- 
 bor of peace and prosperity. It being a large 
 party in soul and numbers, it had nominated a 
 large man to represent it. But the Republican 
 Party, being small in both these respects, had 
 picked out a little animated specimen of an abor- 
 tion and stuck him on the ticket where he had to 
 be seen by a microscope. "Why," said he, "if 
 our candidate should accidentally step on the 
 little contemptible Republican candidate you 
 would hear a slight crack, smell a little stench, 
 and then the Republican convention would have 
 to assemble and choose another standard bearer ; 
 and he is liable to do it, gentlemen ; he will do it, 
 and don't you forget it." After he had finished 
 his vicious tirade it became my turn. I claimed 
 the gentleman speaking for the Democratic 
 Party had mistaken the question at issue. The 
 fitness of a candidate for office could not be de- 
 termined by the hay scales. That it was not a 
 question of beef, but of brains. That the people 
 of these United States needed more patriotism 
 instead of avoirdupois. "When the country was
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 53 
 
 in danger," I asked, "who rushed to its rescue, 
 the candidate with the great corporosity or the 
 one with the great ancestry? Why, gentlemen, 
 when Benjamin Harrison was standing with tear- 
 ful eyes on the battlefield of Resaca, with his 
 sleeves rolled up, binding the bleeding wounds of 
 his mangled comrades, where was the Democratic 
 candidate? I am astonished at the audacity of 
 the gentleman in assuming that the Democratic 
 Party has ever done anything for the cause of 
 national honor. Everybody knows that the 
 Democratic Party is a collection of mental, moral 
 and financial wrecks, who long ago made a gen- 
 eral assignment to the devil and went into hope- 
 less moral bankruptcy. Why, gentlemen, every 
 church spire in the nation points like a guide- 
 board to the Republican Party. To vote the Re- 
 publican ticket is the only way to gain happiness 
 and prosperity either here or hereafter." 
 
 A voice in the audience yelled : "Wliat do you 
 say of the Union Labor Party?" 
 
 "It is too small to be seen by the naked eye," I 
 answered. "It has no existence except in the dis- 
 tempered imagination of a few dreamers. If the 
 gentleman who claims to represent it will swell it 
 up enough so that I can see it, I will tell him 
 what I think of its fate. At present it is too small
 
 54 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 to either beat or bury, and I am content to let the 
 wind blow it away." 
 
 "What cf the Prohibition Party?" asked an- 
 other. 
 
 "It is simply another device of the devil to aid 
 the Democratic Party," I answered. "It is com- 
 posed of cranks that nobody can turn. They 
 can neither be bought, bulldozed, persuaded or 
 convinced, but, delight in perching themselves out 
 on the dry limb of a single idea, while they 
 watch the great procession of human progress 
 pass by, refusing either to aid the right or to 
 resist the wrong." 
 
 Tiie Union Labor champion then took the floor. 
 He said that he was willing to admit all the 
 Democratic speaker had said against the Repub- 
 lican Party, and all the Republican speaker had 
 said against the Democratic Party. He regretted, 
 however, that these gentlemen should spend so 
 much time in repeating what everybody knew. 
 That he did not intend to waste his strength in 
 trying to show which of these old parties were 
 the most corrupt. "Carrion is carrion," said he, 
 "whether it be the carcass of a dead hog or a 
 dead skunk." He invited his audience to come 
 away from these putrid old parties that he might 
 show them the rosy face of the young and beau-
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 55 
 
 tiful Union Labor infant. He admitted that the 
 Union Labor party was small — but he said it 
 was not so small but the Republican speaker 
 might see it with his naked eye were he not 
 blinded by political prejudice and made near- 
 sighted by ignorance, and if the prospect of a 
 post-office did not hide it from his view. He fur- 
 ther said that the Union Labor Party had been 
 born out of the necessities of the people. Such 
 patriots as Wendell Phillips and Peter Cooper had 
 acted as its wet nurses and it would grow into 
 glorious manhood and power, while an outraged 
 people were engaged in holding their noses and 
 scraping the rotting remains of the Democratic 
 and Republican organizations from places of 
 trust and casting them into the cesspool of ob- 
 livion. 
 
 The orator for the Prohibition Party was a 
 woman, wild-eyed and wiry. Time had veneered 
 the checks of her maidenhood with impenetrable 
 brass. With one flash of her eyes she swept the 
 deck and began. She said she had been amused 
 at this sham-battle between rascals. In public 
 they would tear each other's hair ; in private they 
 would drink together out of the same decanter, 
 over the same bar. Alcohol was the inspiration 
 of each, the saloon-keeper, their patron saint, and
 
 56 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 the dram-shop their recruiting station. "What," 
 she asked, "are platforms when framed by 
 drunkards? What are laws when executed by 
 sots ?" She admitted that the Union Labor Party 
 was an infant and might grow, but declared it 
 had the birthmark of King Alcohol on its brow, 
 and unless it joined the Prohibition Party and 
 signed the pledge it would be washed by the tide 
 of intemperance into hell. She therefore ex- 
 horted all the other parties to withdraw their 
 candidates and make the election of the Prohi- 
 bition Party's candidate unanimous and then save 
 the nation from being drowned by intoxicating 
 drink. She declared that the fate of humanity 
 hung dangling to the Prohibition ticket, and that 
 every church would be closed, every Sunday- 
 school scattered, every schoolhouse torn down 
 and the whole nation become one vast saloon; 
 that the Star Spangled Banner would be torn 
 from the Goddess of Liberty and be used to wipe 
 beer mugs unless the Prohibition Party was put 
 in control. 
 
 The Democratic speaker then took five minutes 
 to close the discussion. He had remained quiet 
 during the cudgeling his party had received, but 
 the expression of his face showed plainly that he 
 was collecting venom for his last speech, and
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 57 
 
 when the Prohibition orator had finished, he arose 
 and made the feathers fly. He said: "It makes 
 my blood boil to hear the party of Jefiferson and 
 Jackson calumniated by the dregs and scums of 
 rascality. Where last year was this wind-broken 
 and weather-beaten champion of Republicanism? 
 He was whining anarchy and socialism in that de- 
 funct lunatic asylum called the Greenback Party. 
 Where was he the year before? In the Demo- 
 cratic Party, turning the searchlight on the high 
 crimes and misdemeanors of the Republican or- 
 ganization. Now he has returned like a dog to 
 his vomit and become the filthy mouthpiece of Re- 
 publicanism and has hired out to spit filth on his 
 former political friends and associates." At the 
 end of every sentence the speaker was loudly 
 cheered and the atmosphere became too sultry for 
 me. I arose and asked the privilege of an expla- 
 nation. Cries of "Sit down!" "Let him speak!" 
 etc., came from the audience. I then spoke with 
 great fervor. "My malicious political enemies 
 have invented and peddled concerning me, slimy 
 slanders that may well make hell groan with envy. 
 But of all the vile and malicious lies heretofore 
 invented to defame me, this last charge that I 
 have been a Democrat is the crudest and most 
 unfounded. I know that I have committed manv
 
 58 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 offenses and some that may extend beyond tlie 
 pale of Divine mercy, but I have never descended 
 low enough in the scale of human degradation to 
 become a Democrat!" This statement turned 
 the tide of applause in my favor. The Demo- 
 cratic leader saw he had given me an advantage 
 by making a false charge. "I am glad I was 
 mistaken/' he said. "I hope the Democratic Party 
 has never been and never will be disgraced by his 
 membership." Then turning to the Labor Union 
 candidate he continued : "Yonder sits another 
 sweet specimen of the slanderers of the Demo- 
 cratic Party. Last year he was slobbering around 
 the Democratic headquarters trying to get the 
 Democratic Party to unite with his party. If the 
 Democratic Party is so corrupt, why does he 
 want to get in bed with it? If it is such a filthy 
 carcass why does he seek to suck its breath?" 
 The Union Labor speaker then interrupted by 
 answering: "I didn't propose to marry the 
 Democratic Party; I merely wanted to take the 
 old Democratic skunk by the tail and use it to 
 knock out the brains of the old Republican 
 Party." This statement set the house in a great 
 uproar. When the noise had subsided the Demo- 
 cratic speaker continued: "Yes," he said, "the 
 hired liar of the Republican Party and the un-
 
 TRIALS or A STUMP SPEAKER. 59 
 
 principled lunatic of the Labor Party have the 
 adjustable hide of the tree-toad that takes the 
 color of any bark that it happens to be on. Such 
 creatures are fit to defame the party that invented 
 and patented statesmanship and converted the 
 dreary wilderness of North America into a gar- 
 den of plenty. Their condemnation may well 
 be accounted the highest praise, and I endure it 
 with complacency ; but there is a limit beyond 
 which endurance is impossible ; that limit is 
 passed, and I am tempted to stop my ears and flee 
 from the forum that I may escape from the rant- 
 ings of that female screech-owl who represents 
 the alleged Prohibition Party. This was more 
 than the Prohibition champion could endure. 
 Quick as a flash she sprang across the stage and 
 grabbed the Democratic speaker by the hair. 
 One of the moderators caught her and succeeded 
 in disentangling her fingers from the speaker's 
 curly locks. "I'll teach him! I'll teach him to 
 call me a screech-owl !" she exclaimed, as she 
 brandished her fists in the air and shook her head. 
 "He's nothing but a low-lived, blear-eyed, bottled- 
 nosed Democrat, and I'll scratch his eyes out if 
 he calls me a screech-owl again !" One of the 
 moderators arose and announced as soon as he 
 could make himself heard above the confusion
 
 6o TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 that the time had expired. The great joint dis- 
 cussion was declared finished. The large audi- 
 ence filed out of the hall and returned to their 
 respective homes, the members of each party de- 
 claring that its champion came out ahead, and all 
 were unanimous in the opinion that they had lis- 
 tened to a great political debate.
 
 TKIALS OF A STUMF SFEAKER. 6 1 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 OUT IN THE RAIN, 
 
 I WAS well acquainted with the chairman of 
 the committee of the county where I was next 
 to speak. He was a member of the State Central 
 Committee. He had often urged me to accept 
 an appointment in his county, and it was at his 
 request that the State Central Committee had 
 sent me there. My friend had assured me that 
 my reception there would be a great ovation and 
 that the population of the county would turn out 
 en masse to hear me, hence I looked forward to 
 my meeting with great expectations. I felt cer- 
 tain of my power to stir all the passions in the 
 political breast and score a great triumph. Upon 
 my arrival I heard no brass band serenading the 
 incoming train. I looked in vain among the 
 throng at the station for the familiar face of the 
 chairman. A 'bus driver said, "Hotel, sir?" I 
 went to a hotel. The landlord was ignorant of 
 any meeting. T went to the office of the Republi-
 
 62 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 can paper and found my appointment had been 
 changed to a small town in the northern i-art of 
 the county. With some chagrin I took the next 
 train for the place. Upon arriving there I found 
 that the appointment had been changed to a coun- 
 try schoolhouse in another part of the county. I 
 again boarded the train and reached the nearest 
 depot to said schoolhouse. After making some 
 inquiries I was directed to the house of a promi- 
 nent Republican who was reputed to be the town- 
 ship committeeman. His house was about a mile 
 distant. I walked to it, only to find that another 
 committeeman had been appointed in his place. 
 The newly appointed committeeman lived about 
 a mile and a half distant in another direction. In 
 the meantime night had set in with a gentle rain. 
 The people at the house told me the direction to 
 go. The ex-committeeman said he would have 
 been glad to go along with me but for his daugh- 
 ter, who had gotten a sand-burr imbedded in her 
 neck while eating a piece of frost-bitten water- 
 melon and was in a serious condition, having had 
 her windpipe cut and a tube inserted through 
 which to breathe, and he did not dare to leave her. 
 I assured him that he was excusable and started 
 off alone. The way was very dark and muddy, 
 but I pressed on, wading through the mire,
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 63 
 
 searching- for the liouse of the committeeman. At 
 last, after much wandering, I found the place. 
 The house was dark. Two great dogs rushed 
 out, growling and barking. One of them sprang 
 at me furiously. I struck him on the head with 
 my umbrella. He howled and retreated a little 
 but stood in the doorway, so that I could not get 
 near enough to knock. I stood outside and yelled. 
 At last a lank, butternut-colored fellow came to 
 the door, naked, with the exception of his shirt, 
 and as he drove the dog away said, "What do you 
 want?" 
 
 "Are you the Republican Township Committee- 
 man?" I asked. 
 
 "Well, ya-as," he drawled out. 
 
 "My name is Wilcox ; I was sent into this town- 
 ship to make a speech to-night. Do you know 
 where they hold the meeting?" 
 
 "The meeting was to be in the schoolhouse 
 yonder," he said, pointing to the typical white 
 box country schoolhouse. 
 
 "Why isn't it lighted up?" I asked. 
 
 "No use," he said. "You're the only man in 
 Iowa who would be fool enough to attend a po- 
 litical meeting such a night as this. You will 
 have to excuse me, I'm catching cold. I must go 
 back to bed." So saying, he shut the door and
 
 64 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 left me to trudge back to the depot through the 
 darkness and the rain. I arrived at the station 
 very wet, veneered with mud and filled with dis- 
 gust. The agent had gone and the depot was 
 locked. No train was due until three o'clock in 
 the morning. I had six hours to wait. I was 
 compelled to keep moving on account of the cold 
 and my wet clothes. So like a sentinel of wretch- 
 edness I paced to and fro on the platform of the 
 depot. One by one the weary hours dragged 
 awav, and at last three o'clock came but no train. 
 How late the train would be I could not tell. I 
 dared not leave the depot lest it might arrive 
 during my absence. Finally I saw its headlight 
 in the distance and it looked more beautiful to 
 me than any light I had ever seen. Eagerly I 
 awaited its approach when, to my amazement 
 and disappointment, it did not stop. Again I 
 paced the platform. The words spoken by the 
 committeeman relating to my folly seemed to be 
 true. I communed with myself thus : "What do 
 these men care for me? Nothing. What do 
 they care for the country ? Less. Why do they 
 hold political meetings? Simply to hold jobs. 
 I've a comfortable home and a good law prac- 
 tice. Why should I tramp through sand-burrs, 
 mud and jimpson- weeds, to talk politics to fel-
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 65 
 
 lows, who don't care enough about hearing me 
 to come out through a rain?" Then came 
 thoughts of how the soldiers, inspired by love for 
 my country, had endured to save it, the greatest 
 of hardships. Having eaten a supper of hard- 
 tack, they often laid down in the snow and awak- 
 ened to find minie-balls for breakfast. I re- 
 called the patriots at \ 'alley Forge, who left the 
 bloody prints of their bare fett upon the frozen 
 ground. Of Jackson and his brave men who fed 
 on acorns dug in the snows of winter while fight- 
 ing to sustain the nation's life. What were my 
 sufferings compared with these hardships? How 
 insignificant ! I felt ashamed of myself for com- 
 plaining. Presently the clouds cleared away, 
 morning dawned, the sun arose in golden glory, 
 the autumn woods on the hillside bloomed like 
 a flower garden, and when the train came I 
 
 boarded it with renewed courage to meet my next 
 appointment.
 
 66 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 THE COLD EYE AND THE SYMPATHETIC FACE. 
 
 At one of my meetings I was embarrassed by 
 the presence of a thin man who sat in the front 
 seat and gazed at me with a cold and unwavering 
 glance during the entire time of my address. His 
 optics seemed to chill me with their gaze. I felt 
 as if he was exploring my very marrow. At no 
 time did he exhibit any feeling except that of a 
 keen and curious attention. I struggled hard to 
 inspire him with emotion. I played upon every 
 chord which my imagination could strike. I ran 
 my voice from the lowest to the highest notes on 
 the scale. I turned and twisted my body. I 
 swung my arms like flails. I made all kinds of 
 grimaces. I stamped my feet and clapped my 
 hands. I quite destroyed the speaker's table by 
 mauling it. I called on heaven and hell promiscu- 
 ously. I invoked all kinds of angels, saints and 
 devils, but this thin-visaged, solemn-looking indi- 
 vidual, with the cold eye, never relaxed his gaze
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. fyj 
 
 or showed the sHghtest sign of feeling. After the 
 meeting had adjourned and I had retired to my 
 couch for slumber I could not dismiss from my 
 mind the appearance of this auditor, but like the 
 all-seeing eye of the Omnipotent, his blue, icy 
 optics were glaring upon me out of the darkness, 
 and when I fell asleep they still haunted me in 
 my dreams. 
 
 When I began to speak at my next appointment 
 I was surprised to note that this same man was 
 there and located directly in front of me. It is al- 
 ways an embarrassment for a speaker to know 
 that persons who have already heard his address 
 are in his audience where they can discover he is 
 but speaking a piece. He then feels compelled 
 to change the character of his address. So the 
 appearance of this person caused me to attempt 
 a different speech from the one I had made be- 
 fore. j\Iy meanderings in unfamiliar fields were 
 accompanied by much stumbling, but fortunately 
 I had a few jokes left that I had not exploited 
 at the previous meeting, and I used these as mile- 
 stones. I filled in the places between them with 
 commonplace matter and managed to put in the 
 usual time. My listener with the congealed face 
 sat as immovable as at the first meeting, but I
 
 68 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 thought there was in his cold glance an additional 
 appearance of interest. 
 
 When on the third night I found him waiting 
 for me I became greatly worried as to what I 
 could say that would be new and interesting to 
 this person. My stock of stories was exhausted. 
 Every witticism had become stale. All my flights 
 of rhetoric had flown, and unless I worked over 
 the old material I must remain dumb. So I 
 spouted forth a kind of hodge-podge, made up 
 largely of the other addresses, varying the ex- 
 pressions so that I hoped that their similarity 
 would not be noticed. While speaking, my mind 
 wandered and I trembled for my fate lest this 
 ghastly individual should attend my next meet- 
 ing. I asked myself, again and again, what was 
 his object in thus following me through the coun- 
 try and harassing me with his presence. I re- 
 solved when the meeting was over to approach 
 him and inquire. This I did, with fear and 
 trembling. I approached him and extending my 
 hand, which he took reluctantly, said: "My 
 friend, I have been greatly gratified to see you at 
 so many of my meetings. Will you kindly inform 
 me to what I shall attribute this honor?" He 
 said : "I am a professor of anthropology, I am 
 collecting data on freaks. I thought tlie fir.'rt
 
 TRIALS 01^ A STUMP SPEAKER. 69 
 
 time I heard you that you were the most remark- 
 able liar that I had ever known, and I had the 
 curiosity to see if you could tell your story twice 
 alike, and I must say that my subsequent observa- 
 tions have confirmed my first impression." / 
 
 Every public speaker will admit his obligation 
 to the sympathetic face. Those who si)eak ex- 
 temporaneously and those who have prepared 
 their addresses in skeleton form and rely upon 
 the audience for inspiration while selecting lan- 
 guage to cloth their ideas take especial delight in 
 seeing some s}mpathetic face. At a certain 
 meeting which I addressed I was greatly at- 
 tracted by a portly gentleman. His face seemed 
 most sympathetic. After I had talked a few 
 moments he claimed my full attention, and all my 
 remarks thereafter were directed to him, and I 
 was entirely oblivious of the fact that there were 
 others in my audience. So happy did he appear 
 to be made by everything I said I was at once 
 put in a very easy frame of mind. Never had 
 my ideas flowed so freely ; never had I cavorted 
 about with such grace ; my voice seemed like 
 heavenly music and my vocal organs pla}ed as 
 easily and softly as an Aeolian harp. It was 
 ecstasy to see the full, round face of this sympa- 
 thetic auditor wreathed in such delighted smiles
 
 70 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 at everything I said. How I wished I could have 
 such a person at every meeting! What would 
 I not give to have such a person before me as a 
 muse to fill my mind with merry thoughts and 
 heavenly visions? The hour and one-half occu- 
 pied passed like a lover's holiday. Alas! too 
 quickly spent. When the meeting adjourned I 
 rushed to this charming person and seized him 
 warmly by the hand. I said : "How glad I am 
 to meet a good Republican who can sympathize 
 with me in my views." He begged my pardon 
 and stated he was a Democrat. I expressed sur- 
 prise that a Democrat should appear to take such 
 delight in my address. He said : "I have greatly 
 enjoyed your speech. When a man opposes my 
 views I enjoy seeing him make a fool of himself." 
 The foregoing pages contain accounts of a por- 
 tion of my twenty-four appointments in Iowa. 
 I do not think it advisable to continue further 
 the narrative of the Iowa campaign lest I weary 
 the reader. Much would be a repetition of what 
 has been written with but slight variations. The 
 accounts heretofore given may well serve as sam- 
 ples of the whole. Fully half were failures, ow- 
 ing to the inefficiency of the local or State com- 
 mittee. Sometimes my meetings were advertised 
 by a three-line notice stuck in an obscure part of
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 71 
 
 a weekly paper among the death notices, or " 'til 
 forbid ads." At times I was placed on the breezy 
 side of a barn to speak against the north wind. 
 At other times I held my meeting in dingy Re- 
 publican clubrooms, situated on the third floor of 
 a building where none but the Republicans could 
 be expected to enter. < ccasionally I was smoth- 
 ered with attention, but often frozen with neglect. 
 I saw enough to convince me that the Republi- 
 can organization in Iowa was in the primary de- 
 partment in arranging political rallies. Men of 
 little capacity and less time for such business pro- 
 cured themselves to be selected as committeemen, 
 and then went to sleep or ofif on a visit, and al- 
 lowed the machine to rust. To announce a meet- 
 ing they would issue a bill about the size of the 
 human hand, and hang it in the east wind or paste 
 it on the mud. They would describe the speaker 
 as a "good talker" and thus damn him in advance 
 by faint and indifferent praise. They would 
 often forget to unlock the hall in time for the 
 meeting or would neglect to have a fire built in 
 it. They would stay with the speaker from morn- 
 ing until night and deprive him of an opportunity 
 to rest or to collect his thoughts, when they ought 
 to have been hustling for a crowd. The average 
 Republican coinmitteeman is a sluggard on whom
 
 72 TRIALS OF A STUMP^.SPEAKER. 
 
 no amount of cursing can make an impression 
 and no amount of pleading can stir. There are, 
 of course, some refreshing exceptions, and when 
 the stumper meets one he is given new courage to 
 continue his task. The State Central Committee 
 does not usually begin to make appointments until 
 a week or ten days before the opening of the 
 campaign. Then the secretary takes a map of 
 Iowa, and picks out a lot of towns which he 
 thinks are suited to the caliber of the speaker, 
 makes the appointment and dictates to a stenogra- 
 pher a form letter to be sent to the chairman of 
 each county telling him of the appointment. These 
 letters may be started one week before the meet- 
 ing is to be held. The chairman in one county 
 may be out of the State, in another may live sev- 
 eral miles from the post-office and the notice not 
 be received until after the time set for the meet- 
 ing. In another locality he may be a man who 
 couldn't compose an auction bill and wouldn't if 
 he could. Sometimes it will happen that the ap- 
 pointment has been placed on the night of a circus 
 or it falls on the only night in the week when the 
 hall is engaged. Often the speaker sent is the 
 very one the people do not care to hear. It oc- 
 casionally happens that the secretary or his 
 stenographer will fail to send notices to the lo-
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 73 
 
 calities and the speaker will get there unheralded. 
 Usually the chairman and secretary of the State 
 Committee are men of small capacity and less 
 experience, and they sit huddled together in one 
 or two little rooms surrounded by a crowd of 
 loafing politicians who absorb their time and at- 
 tention with irrelevant and redundant stories as 
 they sit and smoke campaign cigars. Tlie con- 
 duct of a political campaign in a State is a great 
 business. The chairman should be an experi- 
 enced business man, fertile in planning and swift 
 in executing. He should see that all the joints 
 and cogs in the machine are well oiled and in 
 perfect working order. He has no time to write 
 letters, sign receipts or keep books. He should 
 be accessible only to those who have business with 
 him. The secretary should superintend the exe- 
 cution of the work laid out by the chairman. He 
 should have charge of the employes, see that they 
 are at their posts and performing their functions. 
 He also has no time for visiting. He should not 
 attempt to perform the minor details of the work. 
 He should, however, see that it is thoroughly 
 done by others. A system should be in operation 
 that will insure the advertising of every meeting 
 and the proper distribution of every political 
 document and the casting of every vote. If any
 
 74 TRIALS Of A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 locality has elected a chairman who is not prompt 
 in the discharge of his duty, he should be set to 
 one side and some one else sent in advance of the 
 speaker to make the proper arrangements. Meet- 
 ings should not be appointed on the request of 
 the locality unless the State Committee is pre- 
 pared to assume the burden and attend to the 
 local arrangements. In the Harrison-Cleveland 
 campaign, I suffered much in Iowa at the hands 
 of sluggards in the committees ; of this I will not 
 speak further. I was pleased when my four 
 weeks had ended and the time had come to take 
 the train to Cliicago, where I hoped to win great 
 renown.
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 75 
 
 CHAPTER XIL 
 
 A WOMAN WINS, 
 
 The political speaker who lias received his 
 training in the country and is called to Chicago to 
 practice his art will experience many startling 
 surprises. He will find most things different 
 from what he expected. How shall I express the 
 swell of emotion that animated my soul as I 
 planned for my Chicago campaign? What can 
 so thrill and exhalt the human mind as the 
 thought of winning widespread and eternal fame? 
 "This," I said, "is the chance for which I have 
 so long waited — at last I can reveal to the startled 
 senses of mankind the great powers which I have 
 so long felt were in my possession." Although 
 conscious of transcendant genius as an orator, 
 yet I was determined to add to my glittering 
 natural gifts all the acquired graces that could 
 come from careful preparation. I determined to 
 leave nothing undone to furnish my mind for 
 this great occasion. I read Greek poetry, oratory
 
 76 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 and philosophy until the Market Place at Athens 
 and the Groves of her Academy were as familiar 
 as the courthouse square of the village where I 
 was reared. I conned the orations of the great 
 Cicero and his contemporaries until the Forum at 
 Rome was as common as the playgroimd of my 
 boyhood. Nor did the mighty English orators 
 fail to receive my attention. I taught my tongue 
 to repeat their powerful phrases until an oration 
 of Burke's became as easy as a Mother Goose lul- 
 laby. I stood with Webster on Bunker Hill — 
 with Lincoln at Gettysburg — and with Beecher at 
 Fort Cumpter. I determined to excel all of these. 
 The great addresses of these mighty masters, an- 
 cient and modern, were but frail and staggering 
 affairs compared to what I purposed to perform. 
 To equip myself further I devoured the un- 
 abridged dictionary ; I absorbed encyclopedias ; 
 I emptied into my mind the bibles of the pagan 
 and the Christian worlds. I delved neck deep 
 into science, on every subject from flowers to 
 stars. Having thus supplied myself with an- 
 cient and modern lore, I wrote my great ora- 
 tion. With delicate care I carpentered and 
 joined my sentences, dove-tailing each into the 
 other and stringing them together so as to gradu- 
 allv lift the hearer to a climax which should be
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. yj 
 
 a veritable cataclysm. Nor did my care in com- 
 position exceed that in delivery. No fair one 
 ever lingered longer before the glass to rig her 
 armor for the amatory assault than I did to ac- 
 quire a series of poses and gesticulations suit- 
 able to grace and reveal the vast ideas which I 
 had dug so deep and flown so far to bring forth. 
 Mighty were the triumphs which I felt would 
 follow such elaborate preparations. In my mind's 
 eye I could see myself standing upon the stage of 
 some Chicago theatre ; about me sat railroad 
 kings, merchant princes, renowned theologians, 
 eminent philosophers, famous warriors, and the 
 mighty political leaders of that city. In front of 
 me in the immense auditorium, where gallery 
 rose above gallery, and box above box, until the 
 sight was blinded by distance, would sit the 
 beauty, wealth, fashion and intelligent citizenship 
 of the great metropolis, with craned necks, peeled 
 eyes and eager ears, anxious to drink in the honey 
 of my words. Before the admiring gaze of this 
 vast throng, full in the center of the spotlight, I 
 stood — pouring forth a deluge of oratory upon 
 the perfumed air. sufficient to strain every joint 
 and mortise in the building from its concrete to 
 its cornice, and make large beads of perspiration 
 stand upon its frescoed ceiling. At times my au-
 
 78 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 dience would be intoxicated by my words into 
 delicious rapture. At other times some vast idea 
 sweeping through the nerves and sinews of the 
 great assembly would provoke such a storm of ap- 
 plause as would make the artillery of the skies 
 seem but a mimic show. But the vast assem- 
 blage was but a drop in the ocean of human 
 beings who should compose my audience. The 
 quick reporters of the world's great newspapers 
 were there, noting every word and gesture ; they 
 would send their reports on wings of lightning 
 to the farthermost parts of the earth. On the 
 morrow my name would be the fashion in every 
 household that freckles the face of the globe. 
 
 My speech was delivered in a beer hall on Mil- 
 waukee Avenue, A pickpocket tried to steal my 
 watch as I went in, and two confidence men at- 
 tempted to sidetrack and rob me as I came out. 
 My audience was composed of the drinking, the 
 drunk, and the very drunk. The hall was poorly 
 lighted, but what light there was struggled in- 
 effectually to illumine the air laden with dense 
 fumes of tobacco smoke, which was belched forth 
 from the foul mouths of my audience ; yet 
 through the fetid air the highly colored noses of 
 my hearers were at times visible. There was an 
 incessant jabber and hub-bub, commingled with
 
 TRIALS OP A STUMP SPEAKER. 79 
 
 maudlin gibberish and shocking profanity. An 
 ancient layer of indescribable nastiness frescoed 
 the ceiling and varnished the woodwork. Taken 
 as a whole, the hall and its contents seemed about 
 as much like hell as the machinery of vice and 
 filth could make it. Had I prepared a speech to 
 be delivered in heaven and had been called upon 
 to deliver it in the infernal regions, I could not 
 have failed worse in my preparations. So many 
 others were billed to speak at the same meeting 
 that I was allowed but fifteen minutes. I had 
 determined to make an impression. I took for 
 my theme the cruel barbarity of Cleveland's 
 administration in his veto of private pension 
 bills. Just as I was laying the foundation by re- 
 ferring pathetically to the hardships, dangers 
 and sacrifices of the Union soldiers, a band 
 marched into the hall followed by a Bohemian 
 Club, yelling and hurrahing. This continued for 
 five minutes. After this noise had ceased and 
 before I had reached a point where I could make 
 an impression the attention of the audience was 
 claimed by a quarrel that was brewing in one 
 corner of the hall, and by the time the police had 
 quieted this disturbance my time had expired. I 
 was followed on the platform by a woman who 
 knew her audience and was well acquainted with
 
 8o TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 men generally. Upon taking the stand she in- 
 dulged in a gesture which evoked great applause. 
 Assuming that her audience were confined in their 
 knowledge of language to profanity and slang, 
 she filled the smoky air with oaths and purient 
 and filthy insinuations couched in the latest slang. 
 Frequently she would propose they drink to the 
 health of some candidate and swing herself in a 
 manner that seemed to inflame the passions of 
 her auditors, either politically or otherwise. The 
 half-drunken crowd went wild with delight. 
 Every one of her salacious or profane illusions 
 were cheered vehemently. When her time was 
 up they compelled the chairman of the meeting 
 to let her go on. Her bleared eyes beamed with ex- 
 ultation, and if she had felt any restraint at first 
 it was gone now. She turned herself loose to 
 the most reckless abandon and her audience did 
 likewise. Then every sentence or ejaculation was 
 responded to by thunderous applause, and every 
 moment some enthusiastic auditor more zealous 
 than the rest would jump up on his chair and 
 yell, and propose three cheers for the woman. 
 These would be given lustily for several minutes 
 and then she would go on. When the filth became 
 intolerable I left in disgust. Thus was I rudely 
 awakened from my dream of Chicago glory.
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 8 1 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 HO FOR INDIANA. 
 
 I LEFT Chicago for my first appointment in In- 
 diana. At about ten the next morning when I 
 was within twenty-five miles of the place, the 
 train began to take on special cars filled with uni- 
 formed clubs and brass bands. A member of 
 one of the clubs, dressed in tin armor, crowded 
 into the seat beside me. 
 
 "Where is the crowd going?" I asked. 
 
 "Down to " he said. 
 
 "What's going on?" 
 
 "A great Republican rally." 
 
 "Who speaks there?" I inquired. 
 
 "General Wilcox, of Iowa," was his answer. 
 
 "Is he a good speaker?" 
 
 "The greatest orator in the country." 
 
 "Strange I have just come from Iowa and I 
 have never heard of him." 
 
 "If you'll stop ofT, stranger, and attend the 
 rally, you will hear the best speech you ever heard
 
 S,2 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 in all your life," said he, "or I'll pay vour bill 
 there." 
 
 "Perhaps I will," I said. 
 
 When we arrived at the depot there were two 
 thousand people collected round it. Bands were 
 playing. Several hundred young men and women 
 were on horseback, prepared to march in the pro- 
 cession. ]\Iany large wagons had been length- 
 ened for the occasion and surmounted with racks 
 built so as to carry three tiers of young ladies 
 who were dressed in the national colors. These 
 were drawn by road engines. Some were singing 
 and others hurrahing. The procession had 
 formed and was waiting for the speaker to ride 
 in the front carriage. No one knew me. I saw 
 two tall men dressed in ulsters and wearing gray 
 plug hats who were looking eagerly among those 
 who came out of the cars. Presently I heard one 
 say to the other, "I don't see any speaker." I 
 approached them and said : "Gentlemen, whom 
 are you looking for ?" One of them replied, "We 
 are looking for General Wilcox, from Iowa." 
 "My name is Wilcox and I came from Iowa. I 
 was sent here by the Republican Committee to 
 make a speech." 
 
 "Then you are the man we are looking for; 
 come with us," was the reply. The gentleman
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 83 
 took hold of my arm and led me to the speaker's 
 carriage in which I rode. The business houses 
 and private dwellings were decorated with ban- 
 ners and bunting, and Harrison's picture, if the 
 proprietors were Republicans; if Democratic, Mr. 
 Cleveland's, hung in the windows. 
 
 The w^hole country for twenty miles around 
 had turned out. The Democrats as well as the 
 Republicans had come. The men, women and 
 children of the Republican faith w^ore Republi- 
 can badges, those of the Democratic faith Demo- 
 cratic badges. The business of Indiana then 
 was politics. Nearly everything else was neg- 
 lected. Mine was the twenty-fifth rally held that 
 year in that locality. A school mistress told me 
 that she had gone to the schoolhouse every day 
 the week previous to teach, but had been unable 
 to do so on account of her having such enthusias- 
 tic political children in her school. She had ten 
 scholars, four Democrats and six Republicans, all 
 of whom were excused every day to attend politi- 
 cal rallies. Whole families would start out from 
 home the day before to attend a meeting to be 
 held twenty-five or thirty miles distant and return 
 the day after the rally in time to make a fresh 
 start again that same day for another. Here the 
 trials of the stumper w^erc over as far as the com-
 
 84 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 mittecmen were concerned. The political ma- 
 chine in Indiana at that time was the most re- 
 markable appliance in the State. The Hoosier 
 looks forward to the Presidential election as a 
 great harvest. He may be sluggish and quiet at 
 all other times, but then he rallies and hustles 
 with superhuman unction. Every inch of the 
 State is wind-swept for three months prior to the 
 election by the strongest political orators in the 
 nation. Every schoolhouse and all public build- 
 ings become battle-scarred fields where political 
 champions froth and hiss. When I rode by farm- 
 houses the children would run out and yell, 
 "Hurrah for Ben!" or "Hurrah for Grover!" ac- 
 cording to the political faith of the parents. When 
 I had finished my speech the chairman and those 
 on the platform would shake hands with me and 
 then the menj women and children in the audi- 
 ence would come forward by the tliousands to 
 greet and congratulate me, all showing the warm- 
 est appreciation. I was billed for but one speech 
 a day, but often after the close of my afternoon 
 address many would urge me to speak in a city 
 not far distant that evening. HI consented they 
 would send couriers ahead on horseback to notify 
 the people in that vicinity. When the couriers 
 reached the city one would take a bell, another a
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 85 
 
 till horn, the third a drum, and start along the 
 street ringing the bell, blowing the horn, beating 
 the drum and shouting, "General Wilcox speaks 
 
 to-night at " The Republicans on the route 
 
 as they proceeded would fall into line until sev- 
 eral hundred were accumulated and these would 
 go through the principal streets, making a great 
 noise. In less than an hour the largest hall 
 would be packed. In some places I was adver- 
 tised as colonel, in others as general. As I was 
 a child during the war it was quite embarrassing 
 to be called general or colonel. Often bills would 
 cover the whole side of a barn, advertising to 
 speak with me fifteen or twenty of the most cele- 
 brated men in the nation ; United States Senators, 
 Members of Congress and renowned orators, but 
 there was no disappointment or surprise, for it 
 seemed to be generally understood that I would 
 be the only speaker present. The National Com- 
 mittee dubbed me colonel in making my appoint- 
 ments, but in many parts of Indiana this title 
 was not large enough to satisfy. The political 
 strife in Indiana is generally free from bitterness. 
 A great rally is much like a Fourth of July cele- 
 bration. The people get together to have a good 
 time, and they have it. They are good-natured 
 and intelligent. In every precinct there are some
 
 86 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 who have nothing to sell except on election day, 
 and then they look for the highest bidder. I was 
 told by a candidate for Congress that in one lo- 
 cality in his district it was ascertained by polling 
 the votes the year before that the number of 
 "floaters" were about equally divided, and to save 
 money it was agreed that neither party should 
 buy any of them. He said the floaters perched, 
 themselves on fences and lounged around the 
 polls all day until the polls closed at night for 
 propositions that never came, swearing they 
 would not vote unless paid for it, and they went 
 home without voting. I had no small meetings 
 or defective advertisements in Indiana. There 
 were great crowds and congratulations every- 
 where; uniformed processions, miles in length 
 by day, thousands marching in torchlight proces- 
 sions and other fireworks by night. Every sen- 
 tence was punctuated by cheers.
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 87 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 BEN HARRISON. 
 
 On Saturday evening I arrived at Indianapo- 
 lis. The city was illuminated by great flaring 
 natural gas torches. Delegations were coming 
 in and going out. Bands were playing and 
 crowds were hurrahing. The tall business and 
 office blocks were decorated from bottom to 
 top with the pictures of Harrison and Cleve- 
 land hung in the windows. Political meetings 
 were in progress in many places. It was hub- 
 bub and hullaballoo everywhere. The Denison 
 House was the rallying center of the Republican 
 Party. United States Senators, Members of 
 Congress and noted campaign orators were hur- 
 rying in and out. The Chairman of the State 
 Central Committee was harder to see than a 
 Chinese mandarin. He had divided his labors 
 wuth a score of lieutenants who were receiving 
 and sending stacks of telegrams. Hundreds of 
 speakers from abroad were tramping the State.
 
 88 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 Thousands of local speakers were working their 
 wind instruments in as many localities. The 
 sinews of war were drawn from a main tap root 
 running to New York and a myriad of small ones 
 running into every part of the State. The State 
 Committee was the collecting and distributing 
 point. It was a tremendous machine which ran 
 all night and stopped not for the Sabbath. The 
 question raised everywhere was which shall it be, 
 Ben or Grover? Irish speakers were haranguing 
 the Irish to the tune of "Wearing of the Green." 
 Dutch speakers were enthusing the Dutch to the 
 tune of "The Watch on the Rhine." Campaign 
 documents were flying like v/aste paper. "You 
 must go and call on Ben," said the chairman of 
 the committee on speakers, addressing me and 
 another gentleman who had been on the stimip 
 eleven weeks. "If you will do so I will get you 
 an invitation." He did as he said and we went. 
 In a plain wooden house, shaped like a large box, 
 situated on a back street, we found the little man 
 about whom the people were making so much 
 noise. 
 
 "General Harrison, this is Mr. Wilcox, of 
 Iowa, a candidate for Presidential elector," said 
 my companion as he introduced me. "I am glad
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 89 
 
 to see you, General," I said. "I have often de- 
 scribed you to large audiences." 
 
 "Indeed," said he. "Many people are talking 
 and writing about me now. Be seated, gentle- 
 men, I have had a very busy time lately, so many 
 delegations have called upon me." As he said 
 this he humped himself down on his shoulders 
 in a big, soft chair. 
 
 "General, this closes my eleventh week on the 
 stump for you," said my companion. 
 
 "Indeed," said he. "By the way, gentlemen, 
 you doubtless noticed the address I delivered to 
 the traveling men the other daj-. In it you will 
 find many valuable suggestions. The New York 
 papers commented on it favorably, and I believe 
 I will say some more on that subject." 
 
 "Yes, General, it is a very good speech," I said. 
 "I heard it very favorably spoken of where I 
 have been. I left home five weeks ago and have 
 since been on the stump in much of Iowa and 
 Indiana." 
 
 "Indeed!" he again ejaculated. "Let me ask 
 you, gentlemen, if you noticed my address on 
 protecting the negroes in the South. Many ad- 
 vised me to avoid that question, but it seemed to 
 me worthy of serious conside-ration, so I opened
 
 90 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 up on it and it has given the country the keynote 
 of the campaign." 
 
 We admitted that we had read the address re- 
 ferred to and I said: "General, I had a nice 
 meeting at Rockville yesterday." 
 
 "Indeed !" he exclaimed. "That is where I had 
 my celebrated debate with Dan Vorhees; you 
 doubtless have become familiar with its history." 
 
 "They are making great preparations for my 
 meeting at Dana, Monday," I said. 
 
 "Indeed! That is where I often go hunting," 
 said he. "I suppose you have read about my last 
 hunt there." Thus the conversation proceeded. 
 The little man was self-conscious to an extraor- 
 dinary degree. He insisted in talking about him- 
 self all the time when we wanted to talk about 
 ourselves. We tried frequently to sidetrack him, 
 but all in vain. He took no interest in anything 
 that either of us had done or was going to do, 
 but with a simple ejaculation of "Indeed!" he 
 would gather back onto himself as the subject 
 to which his mind clung with such loving tenac- 
 ity. During an hour's conversation he did not 
 ask us where we came from, or whither we were 
 going. He was not curious to learn what we had 
 seen or what we proposed to do. He did not in- 
 quire when we came to town or when we would
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 91 
 
 leave, or whether we were married or single. He 
 asked no questions in relation to friends of his 
 anywhere. He did not offer us anything to eat, 
 drink or smoke, nor did he introduce us to his 
 wife or children. The whole time until we left 
 was spent by him in a profuse consideration of 
 himself. His manner was a mixture of dignity 
 and exhaustion. There was a little of the stage- 
 struck in his actions that indicated he consid- 
 ered himself on exhibition and as furnishing the 
 whole show. Wiien we arose he extended his 
 little, cold hand and said, "Good evening, gentle- 
 men." He did not saj', "H I am elected and you 
 come to Washington, come and see me." 
 
 "I feel chilly," said my companion, as we 
 walked out into the darkness. "I wish I had 
 stayed away." 
 
 "Is it possible," said I, "he is the man I have 
 been describing to large audiences as standing 
 among the wounded and dying, with tears in his 
 eyes, binding the wounds of his fallen comrades?" 
 
 My companion said, "Why, that man would see 
 his neighbors roasting in hell, turn his back, part 
 his coat-tails and warm himself by the flames." 
 
 A lady at Indianapolis said, "I respect General 
 Harrison very highly. He is a member of the 
 church I belong to and I hope he will be elected,
 
 92 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 but when he passes down the aisle by me I fed 
 
 a cold chill run through my frame." 
 
 An old friend of Harrison's said, "Ben believes 
 in the doctrine of foreordination. He has for 
 many years believed he was destined to be the 
 President of the United States, and if elected he 
 will regard it as the fulfilment of the Divine plan 
 and not the result of any labors expended by his 
 friends in his behalf." 
 
 I confess my ardor was much dampened by my 
 visit, yet I continued to talk for Harrison and 
 the party until the close of the campaign. I was 
 elected Presidential Elector and cast my vote for 
 him for President and thus became a humble 
 instrument in executing what he believed to be 
 the Divine Will. 
 
 The electoral votes were counted, Harrison de- 
 clared elected and in due time Grover handed the 
 harness down to Ben and he put it on. 
 
 In the early spring following the great cam- 
 paign I went to Washington to attend the Su- 
 preme Court of the United States. I found one 
 of my associates on the electoral ticket had been 
 appointed a commissioner in the Land Office, an- 
 other a solicitor of the Treasury and others had 
 been named for a foreign appointment. I neither 
 asked nor expected anything, except that common
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMF SFEAKER. 93 
 
 courtesy which every man expects from his 
 friends. I visited the tomb of the Father of his 
 Country amid the peaceful shades of Mount Ver- 
 non. I stood at the base of his monument and 
 followed its white outlines upward until its lofty 
 summit was lost in light. I stood before the 
 statue of the martyred Lincoln and gazed with 
 tearful eyes upon the thrilling impersonation of 
 the Act of Emancipation. 1 beheld with rapture 
 that great palace of marble and freestone called 
 the Capitol Building, sitting upon a gentle hill, 
 typifying the wealth, majesty and stability of this 
 great nation. I entered its storied halls and saw 
 where the masters of art had chiseled marble, 
 moulded in enduring brass and spread on canvas 
 the heroic forms and brave exploits of those who 
 have made this nation great. I entered the Su- 
 preme Court room and at high noon beheld the 
 greatest court on earth sit in sombre pomp. I 
 then called at the Presidential Mansion and en- 
 tered those honored portals hallowed by the resi- 
 dence of a long line of illustrious men, who had 
 here toiled in shaping the destiny of the greatest 
 republic the earth has ever seen. All that im- 
 agination can picture of human glory was there 
 in its fulness, and. likewise, Ben was there. It 
 was the occasion of his afternoon reception. The
 
 94 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 doors of the reception room were thrown open 
 and several hundred persons from all parts of the 
 nation had come to see its chief magistrate. When 
 the time arrived the ghost appeared. He stood 
 on one side of the aisle looking as ghastly as an 
 Egyptian hieroglyphic. The half-moons under 
 his eyes were in their last quarter. He seemed 
 the impersonation of stately distress, moulded in 
 terra-cotta. He extended his clammy hand to 
 the person nearest him, saying as he did so, "Glad 
 to see you," and pushed him along in the aisle 
 which led out of the building. Then followed, 
 one by one, the persons present. Each ap- 
 proached and seized the icy appendage, gave it a 
 convulsive shake and heard the same assurance, 
 "Glad to see you," without the slightest symp- 
 toms of glee on his withered features. The 
 President continued the operation, saying, as he 
 wagged his right extremity, "Glad to see you! 
 Glad to see you! Glad to see you!" etc., evi- 
 dently bored exceedingly. I waited until the last. 
 Finally I led up the rear and reached eagerly for 
 his frosty palm. Without the slightest show of 
 recognition he said, "Glad to see you." 
 
 "General," I said, "don't you remember me? 
 I stumped Indiana for you. My name is Wilcox." 
 
 "Indeed," said he, and then looking as though
 
 TRIALS OP A STUMP SPEAKER. 95 
 
 he was very much bored, he repeated, "I am glad 
 to see you," ])ushed me along toward the exit, 
 through which I disappeared. Ever since, when 
 I have tried to hurrah for Ben, I have been 
 afflicted with a spasm of the epiglottis.
 
 96 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER- 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 POLITICAL ORATORY. 
 
 If the mighty Demosthenes should return to 
 earth and take part in a Presidential campaign, 
 if the great Greek should become as expert in 
 the English language as he was in the tongue of 
 the Athenians, if he should deliver an oration in 
 the behalf of a Presidential candidate equal to 
 his great address upon the "Crown," wherein he 
 so ably defended himself, routed his adversaries 
 and won eternal fame, I do not believe he could 
 hold an audience unless the doors were locked. 
 
 If Rome's greatest master of rhetoric, Marcus 
 Tullius Cicero, should attempt the like feat he 
 would probably claim some attention while bast- 
 ing his opponents and holding them on the spit, 
 but before he had finished it is likely that his 
 yawning audience would vote him an intolerable 
 bore. If Daniel Webster, whose commemorative 
 addresses have no equals in the annals of man- 
 kind, should stand again on Bunker Hill, and 
 with careful deliberation unfurl his majestic
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 97 
 
 periods for the edification of the common people 
 on the subject of politics it is probable that his 
 peroration would fall upon the backs of a fleeing 
 audience. 
 
 The classic rules for cutting and fitting ideas 
 and working majestic climaxes are found inade- 
 quate on the stump. There are no more rules in 
 political oratory than there are in a dog fight. 
 So many elements enter in producing the efifect 
 that anything like a system becomes impracti- 
 cable. The address which goes like a rocket be- 
 fore one audience and finishes with a shower of 
 stars will, before another, fail utterly. Nor will 
 the same kind of an address please the same audi- 
 ence equally well at all times. The weather has a 
 queer effect. After a bright day filled with en- 
 thusiasm, marching clubs, crowds hurrahing and 
 brass music, followed by a display of fireworks 
 in the early evening, the stumper is greeted with 
 an immense audience who have worn themselves 
 to exhaustion and his jokes and funny stories 
 which were v.out to create great emotion become 
 as flat as stale beer. His rip-roaring appeals to 
 patriotism and his graphic descriptions of thrill- 
 ing events in the country's history fizzle away in 
 hot, stuflfy air without awakening any response, 
 and just when he expects to secure the triumph 
 of his life, he meets with the least appreciation.
 
 98 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 On another da\-, when a drizzHng rain has soaked 
 all the fine feathers and regalia intended to blaze 
 in the street parade, when all outdoor demonstra- 
 tions have necessarily been abandoned and a few 
 hundred disappointed and sick at heart have 
 trudged through the mud and filth to listen to the 
 address, when the orator has had the blues all 
 day and vainly hoped that the shower would stop 
 and believed it an unfavorable omen and wished 
 that so few would attend that the meeting would 
 be abandoned, yet in a half-hearted way he tries 
 to speak, it is then he may find that the meeting 
 turns out to be the most delightful one in the 
 campaign. At the slightest excuse the audience 
 becomes convulsed with glee, all jokes and sto- 
 ries go like wild-fire, and his hearers pass from 
 mirth to tears in response to the sentiments in 
 his address as readily as a good instrument an- 
 swers to the touch of the master musician. When 
 he has finished they cluster around him with an 
 enthusiasm that knows no bounds and makes 
 him feel that he has covered himself with glory. 
 This is due to human nature, which soon tires 
 of any mood and quickly goes from one extreme 
 to the other. The rain had bottled up all enthusi- 
 asm during the day and when the time for the 
 evening address came it was suddenly imcorked. 
 Notwithstanding these uncertain causes that
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 99 
 
 contribute to success or failure on the stump, 
 there are other points which ought to be taken 
 into consideration to make a successful cam- 
 paigner. It is important that his countenance 
 be ilhimed by a kind smile so that he may appear 
 to enjoy himself while speaking; that he pass 
 rapidly from one emotion to another ; that his 
 imagination gallop like a wild horse ; his mind be 
 in that condition where it sees everything in big 
 figures and clear outlines ; that he possess a capac- 
 ity for mimicry, and perpetrate frequent surprises 
 by his rapid transition from the grave to the gaj', 
 from the serious to the burlesque. There should 
 be a certain framework in his address which 
 holds it together. There are points which can 
 never be omitted with satisfaction. He must put 
 angel wings on his candidate and horns, hoofs 
 and claws upon the candidate of the opposition ; 
 he niust represent himself as being entirely free 
 from bias or self-interest and swear profusely 
 that his party is the nation's only hope. He must 
 catalogue and highly color all the customary 
 charges of misfeasance and bad faith made 
 against the leaders of the opposition. He must 
 glorify and decorate with garlands of flowers the 
 prominent names that his party b.as kept upon 
 the payroll. He cannot safely conclude without 
 referring to the ling, and in the name of his coun-
 
 100 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 try's martyrs exhort his hearers to come to the 
 "Lord's side," and help overthrow the emissaries 
 of Satan, who are plotting by fraud to wrest the 
 country's management from the hands of patriots 
 and make it the prey of designing scoundrels. 
 No voice sounds sweeter to the partisan who has 
 reached the last stage of political madness than 
 a charge of calumny against his political ene- 
 mies. Like heavenly music in his eager ears is 
 the assurance that in his candidates are found all 
 the graces and virtues combined in the richest 
 profusion. But more important than either man- 
 ner or matter is a voice like a fog-horn that may 
 be heard plainly by acres of people. The follow- 
 ing will illustrate : 
 
 During this campaign of which I write, the 
 National Committee assigned to the State of 
 Indiana for one week a young lawyer from Iowa, 
 whose fame as a political orator had not ex- 
 tended beyond the domain of his own State. It 
 was with much hesitation that the Indiana State 
 Committee accepted the appointment, and for 
 fear that it might prove disastrous on account of 
 the weakness and incompetency of the speaker, it 
 assigned a former partner of Benjamin Harrison 
 to speak at the same appointments and save the 
 meetings. The gentleman so assigned by the 
 State Committee had, by wide experience as an
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. loi 
 
 editor, lawyer and political debater, become a 
 master of refined and classic English, His ven- 
 erable presence and psalm-like countenance, and 
 his intimate relation with the candidate made his 
 words sound like oracles and his sentences seem 
 as if they were verified by an affidavit. It was 
 in the shadow of this colossal figure that the un- 
 known boyish campaigner was to stand, Ihe 
 young man had lungs, and this is the way he 
 came out in the contest: 
 
 At the first meeting held in the afternoon the 
 lowan made the first speech, and the large audi- 
 ence in the open air grew larger every moment, 
 as his voice echoed down the streets and alleys of 
 the little city. Men, women and children, even 
 dogs gathered from all directions to the spot, and 
 they were held until the close of his address. 
 When he had finished the gentleman sent by the 
 State Committe to speak with him began, in slow, 
 measured and soft accents, reeling off his musical 
 cadences like the unwinding of a spool of silk. 
 It was difficult for any but those close to the 
 platform to hear or understand him. In less than 
 ten minutes the great audience dissipated, ex- 
 cept a scattered few. This was humiliating to 
 the orator of wide renown. The next meeting 
 being in the Opera House in another town that 
 evening, he concluded that he would speak first.
 
 102 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 I>ilany of those who had been at the first meeting 
 were present at this meeting, it being customary 
 at that time for some to follow the speaker to 
 the next appointment. When the audience saw 
 that the old gentleman was to speak first they ap- 
 peared to be disappointed. He had not proceeded 
 farther than to state what he claimed were the 
 issues of the campaign when cries came from 
 diflferent parts of the audience loudly calling for 
 the young man to speak. So persistent were 
 these that the young speaker had to take the stage 
 and assure the audience that his colleague was 
 about to deliver a great address and that he 
 would not talk until that address had been given. 
 Then the old gentleman was permitted to pro- 
 ceed. The crowd settled back in their scats as 
 if disgusted, and soon began to straggle out of 
 the hall. The speaker leisurely proceeded speak- 
 ing his piece in tones like the still, small voice of 
 conscience until he finished, and then the cries for 
 the boy were furious. He stepped forth like a 
 conquering hero, and when his clear, strong ac- 
 cents filled all the hall with its powerful tones it 
 seemed to the before-weary listeners as if an 
 archangel had come to deliver a Divine message. 
 Soon the half-emptied hall filled again. Hun- 
 dreds crowded into the aisles and on the stair- 
 ways ; every sentence was punctuated with thun-
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 103 
 
 derous applause. When the address was fin- 
 ished, liundreds ruslied to the stage, shook his 
 hand and expressed their great dehght and ad- 
 miration. Old soldiers, with tears in their eyes, 
 nearly cracked his fingers with their powerful 
 grasps. Old ladies and children stood around, 
 smiling, anxious to get a touch of the hand or 
 even a glance from the speaker. Meanwhile, the 
 venerable old gentleman with the small voice 
 stood off at one side, alone, neglected by every- 
 body. He appeared dejected. His presence was 
 entirely overlooked by the committee, and had 
 it not been for the fact that the young man went 
 out and gathered him in he might have been lost 
 in the shuffle. 
 
 When the two speakers retired to the hotel that 
 night, the old gentleman took the bo}- to one side 
 and said: "I am going home; I don't think you 
 need my assistance. I will tell the National Com- 
 mittee to assign you to Indiana until the close of 
 the campaign." 
 
 This incident shows the importance of a strong 
 voice on the hustings, and how a young man 
 without reputation can, with his breath, blow 
 away the old campaigner of great experience and 
 wide renown who lacks the great essential, a 
 powerful voice.
 
 104 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 DANGEROUS PRACTICES. 
 
 To avoid making a positive assertion, some 
 speakers present their views by interrogatories 
 propounded to the audience^ Instead of affirm- 
 ing this or that to be true, they ask questions, not 
 expecting that anybody in the audience will an- 
 swer. Occasionally they are startled and suffer 
 great annoyance by getting one. 
 
 Once a renowned speaker for the Democratic 
 Party, familiarly known as Bill Allen, was de- 
 livering an address in a grove near Cedar Rapids, 
 Iowa. This was many years ago, when the 
 Democrats controlled the politics of that State. 
 The young Republican Party had attained a con- 
 siderable growth and was then, as now, the prin- 
 cipal opponent. Mr. Allen began wnth the incep- 
 tion of the Republican Party and painted many 
 of its acts in the blackest dyes. He lampooned 
 its organizers and promoters as the vilest of the 
 vile. After having exhausted himself on this in-
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 105 
 
 exhaustible subject he began to interrogate the 
 audience. "Is there a RepubHcan here?" he 
 asked, contemptuously. "If in all this vast audi- 
 ence there be one Republican I would like to ask 
 him how he feels when he looks at this record. 
 How mean and contemptible and low-lived he 
 must feel ! I repeat the question : 'Is there a Re- 
 publican here?' " An old man, stoop-shouldered, 
 with thin face, long nose and small, squeaky 
 voice, standing near the speaker's platform, 
 whined out: "Yes, I am a Republican." "What!" 
 exclaimed Allen, "you a Republican ! My God ! 
 Tell us how you feel !" The old man squeaked 
 out: "I feel like a kernel of wheat in a half- 
 bushel of chaff!" As a matter of fact, a large 
 part of the audience were Republicans, and the 
 old gentleman's reply produced such an outburst 
 of long-continued applause that it greatly con- 
 fused the orator and abbreviated his speech. 
 
 QUESTIONS FROM TPIE AUDIENCE. 
 
 A Stumper always incurs some risk when he 
 permits persons in his audience to ask questions. 
 Especially is this so when he has engaged in 
 ridiculing his opponents. The audience then
 
 I06 TRIALS OP A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 takes delig-1-it in seeing the speaker struck with 
 one of his own weapons. 
 
 When Horace Bois of Waterloo, Iowa, was a 
 candidate for re-clecticn to the office of Governor 
 on the Democratic ticket, he was severely criti- 
 cised by the Republican press for a speech he had 
 made in Xew York wherein he asserted that it 
 was unprofitable to raise corn in Iowa. This 
 was called slandering the State, and some con- 
 sidered it a great blunder. A leading Republican 
 speaker told his audience that while at Des 
 Moines he vi^-iled the State Fair and found on 
 exhibition llic largest display of fine stock he 
 had ever witnessed. ' All the animals were well- 
 fed, sleek and happy, except one. This was a 
 large donkey v.hose long ears Vv'erc drooping and 
 big tears were rolling from his large eyes. The 
 speaker said he wf>ndered at so much anguish and 
 begged the noble animal to confide in him the 
 cause. The donke} said : "I have been on exhibi- 
 tion at ever}- State Fair in Iowa for the last five 
 years and have always taken the prize as the big- 
 gest jackass in Iowa, and now Bois has beat me." 
 This provoked much laughter and the speaker felt 
 he had scored a great hit, when a Democrat arose 
 and said: "I would like to ask the speaker if 
 he was on exhibition at this Fair?" "Certainlv
 
 TRIALS or ,1 STl'MP SPEAKER. to; 
 
 not," was the reply. "That explains it, then," 
 said the Democrat. "You had bcttry try for the 
 prize next time." Such was the applause that 
 followed this remark' that it is probable the jack- 
 ass argument was never used again. 
 
 "swinging the bloody .shirt." 
 
 When Grovcr Cleveland was first nominated 
 President, the Republican press charged him with 
 lack of patriotism because he had been drafted 
 and hired a substitute. The young orators on 
 the stump indulged in what was then a favorite 
 theme called "swinging the bloody shirt." At a 
 joint discussion, a Republican speaker, who at 
 the time of the war was too young for military 
 service, charge that Mr. Cleveland was either a 
 coward or a traitor because he had not enlisted. 
 His Democratic opponent, who had himself seen 
 some military service, made the following refer- 
 ence to his Republican adversary : "Ladies and 
 gentlemen, you must have greatl\- enjoyed the 
 warlike address of my brave opponent. Perhaps 
 you arc not fairiiliar with his militar\- record. 
 It is true that at tlie time of the great unpleas- 
 antness thi? bloodthirsty gentleman was in arms 
 (laughter). He was a member of the infant n'."
 
 I08 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 (Great applause.) The speaker then took his 
 handkerchief and folding it in the form of a clout 
 held it up by the corners and said : "And this, 
 ladies and gentlemen, is the kind of regimentals 
 that he wore," The applause was terrific, and 
 when the noise had subsided the Democratic ora- 
 tor said : "My friend belongs to that class of 
 warriors who enlisted just after the last rebel had 
 laid down his arms, and will never surrender as 
 long as peace endures." 
 
 A QUEER DEBATE. 
 
 An ambitious young Republican, wishing to 
 make a great name for himself, challenged Henry 
 Clay Dean, a gruff old Democratic war-horse of 
 wide renown as an orator, to hold a joint discus- 
 sion with him, offering to give Dean the right 
 of opening and closing the debate. A great audi- 
 ence, largely Republicans, gathered to hear the 
 contest. In an opening address of an hour in 
 length Dean made a telling argument for the 
 Democratic Party, then picking up his hat he 
 stated: "That's all I care to say. If you want to 
 stay and listen to this fool you may do so. I am 
 going home." Then he left the hall and the 
 Democrats in the audience followed him.
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 109 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 EFFECT ON THE STUMPER. 
 
 My first ambition was to be President of the 
 United States. Later, the job of ringmaster with 
 a country circus would have satisfied me. When 
 I first attended a political meeting my soul was 
 torn with envy at the sight of the stumper stand- 
 ing in the glare of the footlights before a large 
 audience who had spasms of delight in their ad- 
 miration for him. The hope that I might some 
 time become one almost burst the buttons on my 
 vest. I was sure that heaven would then begin. 
 In my exhilaration I overlooked the stinking 
 breath which made great Caesar faint. I knew 
 not that a crowd could become as troublesome as 
 a swarm of flies or mosquitoes. Nor did I know 
 that the vociferous applause which sounds so 
 sweet to the beginner would ultimately jar the 
 nerves and make the head ache. Xor did I dream 
 that the palaver used to soft-soap the novice 
 would finallv become rancid. Tliat the cock
 
 no TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 icatlier of political glory would become badly 
 stained with fumes from kerosene torches. That 
 the red fire covering the heavens with crimson 
 would soon fade and leave a nasty smudge, and 
 that the courted and coddled orator with the "sil- 
 ver tongue" would, after the votes were polled, 
 be dropped as a discarded remnant of a faded 
 pageant to nurse a campaign legacy in the form 
 of bronchitis. Fame is always fleeting. It is but 
 breath or vapor. Like the song that has been 
 sung it becomes a reminiscence. No other kind 
 of a reputation is so short in duration and so 
 worthless while it lasts as that acquired on the 
 stump. In the same town where vast multitudes 
 yelled themselves into tonsilitis in my honor, three 
 moons afterwards any tramp could have used my 
 name as an alias and passed unchallenged. The 
 very people who did the yelling would probably 
 have refused to trust me for a week's board. The 
 stumper's employment keeps him constantly on 
 the rack. There is not a moment when he is at 
 ease. If all circumstances unite in his favor he 
 may have short paroxysms of pleasure, but they 
 are but forerunners of painful disappointments. 
 Soon he becomes weary of the brass bands, the 
 formal greetings, the perfunctory conversations, 
 the noisy crowds and finally of his own voice.
 
 TRIALS or A STUMP SPEAKER. m 
 
 The jokes and stories once so bright and funny 
 by frequent repetition seera so old and tottering 
 that he feels ashamed to drag them out again and 
 make them stand for another laugh. The full, 
 round periods which he matched and polished 
 with such tender care and made his bosom thrill, 
 have lost their power and now make his lungs 
 acb.c and his tliroat raw to launch them forth. 
 And lastly, wlien he returns to his native city, 
 thinking he has cut a wide swath across the con- 
 tinent and painted a new aurora borealis in the 
 heavens, he is surprised to find that even his 
 nearest neighbors do not know that he was out of 
 town. The orator who was the sole speaker when 
 ten United States Senators and Alembers of Con- 
 gress were advertised, must now go before a 
 justice of tlie peace and try a law-suit for five 
 dollars. As he sits on his stool at the lunch- 
 counter, eating his five-cent bowl of bread and 
 milk, he thinks of the days when all the luxuries 
 of the earth were set before him and he wonders 
 where now are the prominent citizens whose at- 
 tentions were so profuse as to destroy his 
 appetite. 
 
 Considered as a question of personal gain, po- 
 litical workers have the heaviest and most un- 
 profitable burdens, and the stumper holds the
 
 112 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 charred end of the stick; but viewed from the 
 point of patriotic service he is a pin-feather on the 
 great American Eagle, and is entitled to be re- 
 garded as a part of the plumage of that glorious 
 bird. From his breath is distilled the oil that 
 lubricates the political machine, and whatsoever 
 there be of worth in the popular government is 
 partly due to him.
 
 TRIALS. OR A STUMP^ SPEAKER. 113 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 VALUE OF stumper's SERVICES. 
 
 We cannot estimate the value of the services 
 of a stumper without inspecting that fictitious 
 organism known as a poHtical party. We must 
 first ascertain the elements that enter into its 
 composition and their relations to each other. 
 The only permanent thing about such an institu- 
 tion is its name, yet the popular opinion is, that a 
 political party is an immortal being which lived 
 in the days of Thomas Jefferson and will con- 
 tinue its identity through generations of poster- 
 ity. When the sun shall grow dim with age and 
 burn low in its socket and the earth shall turn 
 to a frozen globe and Gabriel shall appear in the 
 clouds to summon the quick and the dead, there 
 will doubtless be some sitting on the icebergs and 
 shivering and demanding front seats because 
 they belonged either to the party of Thomas Jef- 
 ferson or Abraham Lincoln. This popular no- 
 tion of the identity of the political party is easily
 
 114 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 shown to be false. The men who compose such 
 an organization are ever changing, as the drops 
 of water in a river. Like the flowing stream 
 which is sometimes clear and sometimes muddy, 
 depending upon the environment, so the political 
 party may at times be animated by lofty emo- 
 tions and noble aspirations and at others be stag- 
 nant and putrid and reek with corruption. And 
 this environment greatly changes as the years go 
 
 There is a kind of skeleton or framework about 
 which the masses who follow the name of the po- 
 litical party cluster. This is composed of an 
 aggregation of persons who make politics a busi- 
 ness, either directly or indirectly. From its heart 
 in the city of New York to its toes out in the 
 wilds of the West, the blood of the political being 
 is circulated by fellows whose sole inspiration is 
 the hope of reaching the public crib. From the 
 impecunious cultivator of a patch of desert who 
 would like to carry the mail, get a post-office or 
 be elected road supervisor, to the rnaster of mil- 
 lions who would form a s}'ndicate to purchase 
 government bonds or issue national currency or 
 finance a government contract, there is an infinite 
 variety of chaps, little and big, who hope for 
 special power and privilege and seek these for
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 115 
 
 the purpose of plunder. Closely allied with such 
 are the great interests which we call the press, 
 ranging from the mighty metropolitan daily with 
 its vast circulation and over-shadowing influence 
 to the little country weekly, with its few hundred 
 subscribers, depending upon the county printing 
 for its existence. Between these extremes are a 
 legion of newspapers, journals and periodicals 
 whose life blood is the pap that is extracted 
 through the agency of the political machine These 
 allied interests are bribed by their positions to per- 
 petuate the name and organization of the party, 
 and usually experience no serious difficulty in fol- 
 lowing and supporting the ticket and advocating 
 die creed adopted by the convention, however 
 frequently it may be changed. This aggregation 
 really constitute the party, although they cast but 
 a small portion of the votes polled for its candi- 
 dates. There is another element of great im- 
 portance which is not properly a part of the po- 
 litical party itself, for it has nothing to say in 
 its management and receives no profit from its 
 successes. I refer to those who vote as their 
 fathers voted, asking no questions and giving no 
 reasons, and stiffen with pride as they announce 
 that they never scratch the ticket. These should 
 be inventoried as the chattels of the organization,
 
 Il6 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 who, like any dead weight, can be pushed around 
 and managed to suit the purpose of the party. 
 P'or these no brass bands are hired, no public 
 meetings are held, no arguments are necessary, 
 for, like loaded dice, they can always be relied 
 upon to fall the same side up. There is, how- 
 ever, a class of people every year becoming more 
 numerous who do not expect to be benefited di- 
 rectly by the triumphs of any party, nor do they 
 expect to get offices for themselves or for their 
 dependant relatives or friends. They do not 
 recognize the claims of any political master, and 
 go silently to the polls and vote as their con- 
 science dictates. It is such who disturb the dreams 
 of the politician. How to harvest their votes 
 when they are needed is the conundrum with 
 which he struggles. As a bait, platforms are con- 
 structed and reconstructed, filled with specious 
 promises and sounding phrases. To reach them, 
 newspapers are filled with partisan editorials, and 
 special pleas, urging support for the ticket. Many 
 of these seldom read these editorials and cannot 
 be reached except through the agency of politi- 
 cal rallies. To get ready for the autumn election, 
 the political manager begins in the spring. When 
 he commences, the party spirit is at a low ebb and 
 must be worked up in behalf of the ticket. To
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 117 
 
 accomplish this, the old reliable political moss- 
 backs are wakened from their winter's slumber 
 and galvanized into action. They are pushed out 
 to carry banners, torches and fill the air with po- 
 litical language. Along with these, as a sort of 
 mouthpiece, trots the stumper. In a few months, 
 what was at first a lot of sluggards approaching a 
 comatose state, becomes an aggregation of ex- 
 cited political madmen, who call their opponents 
 the vilest names and accuse them of the most in- 
 famous crimes, and by their ferment and frenzy 
 stir up that body of voters who paid but slight at- 
 tention to the press. These gradually are drawn 
 into the maelstrom of agitation and listen to the 
 eflfervescence of the stumper. He, surrounded by 
 a large coterie ready to applaud all his utter- 
 ances, is glorified by the press who expects to 
 profit by his success, is provided with music from 
 glee clubs and brass bands, is made the center of 
 attraction in a great audience, and thus has an 
 opportunity, by appealing to every emotion and 
 making all kinds of assertions, to greatly affect 
 the minds of the independent voter. Sometimes 
 he can raise such a storm as to tear from its 
 moorings an old hulk that the opposite party sup- 
 posed was safely anchored in its back bay. T 
 know one case where a persistent stumper by an
 
 Il8 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 argument of an hour and three-quarters got every 
 voter, except two, in the audience of one hundred 
 and fifty, to join a pohtical club in his favor. 
 When he began there were but four in the audi- 
 ence that agreed with him poHtically. The prac- 
 ticed butcher knows just where the thrust will 
 cut the vital vein, and the skilful stumper knows 
 exactly what to say to touch the voters' hearts. 
 He always has the satisfaction of knowing that 
 if he fails to win votes from the opposition and 
 does not change the position of the independent 
 voter, he has, nevertheless, in some degree intensi- 
 fied the zeal of his political friends. 
 
 Turn loose upon a country township a practical 
 political stumper who has a reputation sufficient 
 to draw an audience and he will be able in a few 
 meetings to change its political complexion if 
 the political forces were nearly equally divided, 
 when he began. I have known several instances, 
 where, by sheer force of oratory, the majority 
 of thousands in the congressional district have 
 been changed to a minority by the efforts of one 
 man against the united opposition of money and 
 newspapers circulated through the whole district. 
 
 Never before in the world's history has there 
 been so great an opportunity for a man with 
 strong lungs and rapid utterance to win politi-
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMF SFEAKER. 119 
 
 cal power. The political manager who fails to 
 take into account the necessity o£ training and 
 maintaining an efficient corps of stumpers must 
 sooner or later lose by his mistake. As the years 
 pass by the numbers of independent voters in- 
 crease, and the necessity for stump speakers be- 
 comes greater. Increased intelligence will improve 
 the qualities of the arguments and appeals made 
 from the stump, but the time will never come 
 when the spoken word, having behind it a zeal- 
 ous and powerful personality, will not strike 
 deeper into the human heart than any printed 
 communication, even though the letters are as 
 large as the side of a bani.
 
 I20 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 THE SURVIVAL. 
 
 If some political Rip Van Winkle should 
 awaken from a twenty years' slumber he would 
 be startled by many of the changes which have 
 occurred in the political world. He would see 
 the republic made an empire, the "Dollar of our 
 Daddies" turned to gold, the President an arbiter 
 of nations, the world's financial center moved 
 from London to New York. He would behold 
 the young giant of the Western world become a 
 veritable colossus, whose shadow falls athwart 
 the main, and fills the earth with wonder. But he 
 would miss many familiar voices so often heard 
 upon the stump, whose glowing words have ech- 
 oed around the globe ; Conkling, the courtly ; In- 
 galls, the severe ; Blaine, the magnetic ; Sherman, 
 the profound ; Ben Butler, the majestic ; Ingersoll, 
 the entrancing; McKinley, the convincing; Tom 
 Reed, the sarcastic, and many other mighty ones 
 garnered in death's harvest. Campaigns have 
 come and gone ; parties have triumphed and have
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 12 1 
 met defeat; the assassin's hand has nulUfied the 
 freeman's vote; the car of progress moved by 
 leaps and bounds till commerce, the mighty Ajax 
 of the modern world, has harnessed lightning 
 for his pack-horse and made it his errand boy. 
 New issues have filled the land with ferment and 
 subsided like the uneasy sea. Heroes have climbed 
 to towering heights and fallen low again. Sys- 
 tems have been shaken, old land-marks wiped 
 away, the Constitution's meaning stretched, the 
 pillars of the nation moved to find a larger basis 
 for expansive growth. But in the shifting sands 
 of change and time, like some vast pyramid 
 about whose base the desert drifts and on whose 
 lofty peak the lightnings play, undaunted and un- 
 shaken stands the eternal interrogation point — 
 the tariff question. 
 
 When the republic was an infant, and Wash- 
 ington was in his prime, it presented its puzzle 
 to the young nation. When the new Jerusalem 
 shall come down to earth it will doubtless inter- 
 rupt great crowds engaged in its discussion. One 
 of the first conundrums presented to the new mu- 
 nicipality will be whether the tariff is a tax or a 
 benefaction; whether it is donated by the pro- 
 ducer or paid by the consumer ; whether it stimu- 
 lates infant industry or fosters trusts, or is the
 
 122 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 author of all our blessings or of all our woes. 
 The saints and citizens of the Celestial City will 
 doubtless employ the same old stock arguments 
 that have rung their changes down the centuries. 
 The devouring ivy may destroy the granite tower, 
 sand storms may grind and mar the pyramids, 
 earthquakes shatter the proudest temple, volca- 
 noes unseat the firmest cliff, but so far no power, 
 natural or artificial, has been able to deprive this 
 mighty problem of any of its original freshness. 
 Eighteen years have quickly passed since 
 grasping eagerly my yellow grip I started for the 
 train to speak for Harrison, and seventeen years 
 have flown since I began the writing of this book. 
 Our leader in that strife has been translated from 
 the highest peak of earthly fame to that bright 
 world where fondest hopes now tend, leaving be- 
 hind a trail of heavenly light to lure the nations 
 upward. His strongest aides have finished noble 
 courses and our grateful land their honored 
 names and relics guards with reverential love. 
 Where now are all the poisoned shafts that flew 
 so thick about them? Gone, with the bitterness 
 that gave them wing, and time has placed a halo 
 around the heads that then were marks for slan- 
 der. Like a gnarled and rugged oak that stub- 
 bornly resists the storms of time, the Democratic
 
 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 123 
 champion still survives and claims respect from 
 those who most defamed him. Before a century 
 has gone mayhap he who won and he who lost 
 shall count as equals in the nation's shrine and 
 there alike be reverenced. Such is the havoc time 
 often plays with all the dreams of men. 
 
 To this great contest I bestowed my 
 mite, in favor of the party of my choice, 
 and like the dew which gives the ocean 
 all it has, was swallowed up and lost. I 
 do not now repine, for fate has dealt most 
 kindly with me. In the soft air of sweet oblivion 
 I have enjoyed repose that office-seekers never 
 know. The swiftly passing years have fallen 
 lightly on me, and now at fifty I look back and 
 smile on all the anxious cares that then I felt. As 
 now again T turn the leaflets of my manuscripts I 
 see the traces of a vanished hand and I hear again 
 the merry laugh that often rang so clear while 
 were set down the words that there are written. 
 A pang of sorrow mingles with my mirth and I 
 must give it place. I dare not count the graves 
 of buried hopes, nor note the havoc that the years 
 have wrought. The earth is in its place. All 
 stars will hold their course. Firm and secure the 
 nation stands and guards alike the tombs of those 
 who gave it birth and those whose works pre-
 
 124 TRIALS OF A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 served it. Among the multitudes who pass upon 
 the stage and like the flying swallows flutter by, 
 I, too, have had my little say and thus have 
 served my time as best I might. As I look back 
 along the vista of the years I cannot say that if 
 some power would resurrect the past and place 
 again upon the boards the most forgotten play 
 of 1888, that I would be a player, or if this little 
 book I finish now instead were just begun that it 
 would reach the finish. The hustling vigor of my 
 manhood's prime now sees the slanting rays of 
 afternoon and gives less time for trifles. But what 
 I have written now shall stand. To me it seems 
 a jolly tale, full of mistakes and mirth-provoking 
 scenes, such as may cheer an idle hour and still 
 give some instruction. As such I finish it and 
 send it forth to sink or float, as pleases those who 
 read. The gay may laugh and credit me with 
 wit, the solemn frown and hold me much to 
 blame; the critic pierce each fancy with his pen 
 and write me down a fool. All this I can endure. 
 The grass will grow as green upon my grave. 
 But heaven forfend that these, my wavering lines, 
 shall ever meet that dense, unmitigated ass, that 
 stupid, mournful, addle-pated imbecile, who shall, 
 with solemn visage, sadly ask if all my tales be 
 true.
 
 OTHER NOTABLE BOOKS 
 
 BY HENRY S. WILCOX, OF THE CHICAGO BAR 
 FOIBLES OF THE BENCH 
 
 1*4 pp.. cloth. Kilt top. Price $1.00 postpaid. Kihlblts the faults 
 and fullliijix of judges and the nbuses that have becoiuo common In 
 court proceedings in a hlt4hly entortalnliijj manner. It is copiously 
 lUustruted by cUuructer sketches, humorous incidents and wittlcLsms. 
 
 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 163 pp.. cloth, ullt top. Pricp $1.00 postpaid. This volume contains 
 the Kleanlngs of 28 yoais' experience of the author as a trial lawyer. 
 It de.irly seta forth the mistakes and neaknosses common among 
 members of the bar. and contains numerous cogent su^'tiestiona for 
 Improvement. Many types and freaks of lawyers are sketched and 
 humorous Incidents uiul pithy sayings abound to Illustrate the points 
 made. 
 
 FRAILTIES OF THE JURY 
 
 150 pp., cloth bound. ^i\t top. Price $1.00 postpaid. This volume 
 surprisingly illuminates thu petit jury system by giving sketi-hes of 
 defective jurors and exposing the methods of their procedure. It 
 contains many suggestions of great value to lawyer and layuiuu In 
 selecting and treating a jury. 
 
 FALLACIES OF THE LAW 
 
 208 pp., cloth, gilt top. Price SI. 50 postpaid. Herein are tersely 
 pointed out the radlcid defect.s that lie at the very foundation of our 
 system of jurisprudence, and the absurdities and inconsistencies 
 that emanate therefrom and their pernicious effects are lucidly 
 pointed out. The exhil)ltlon of every error Is followed by the sug- 
 gestion of a remedy. No book has been issued recently that Is more 
 likely to benefit humanity. 
 
 A STRANGE FLAW 
 
 270 pp., cloth, gilt top. Price $l.r)0 postpaid. This novel shows by a 
 thrilling story how small a flaw is likely, under our present system 
 of government, to cause widespread distress and great Injustice 
 when used by skillful schemers for the purpoties of exploitation. 
 The thread of the narrative introduces scenes In the state legislature, 
 U. .'^. Circuit Court, U. S. Supreme Court, and the president's man- 
 sion, and the Interest of the reader Is held to the last. 
 
 cnFPTAI OFFFR 'We will send the first four books for 
 
 OflL^l^L. ^rriLK. j;, 50 „r the entire set for W.50 postpaid. 
 
 when all are orderoii together and money received with the order. 
 Personal check.-* should add 5c for exchange. 
 
 LEGAL LITERATURE CO., !63 Randolph St., Chicago
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES 
 TUT- I'NIVERSITY LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVEKSITY of GALIFOKi^lA 
 AT
 
 K)^ 3 1'i58 00334 0998 
 
 
 UCS'!'""'R'. '"■ 
 
 4- ;. R , . .; i I ^ ( 
 
 AA 000 695 525 6