UC-NI ML 2870 W57 1905 MAIN COPYRIGHTED 1899 BY M. \YlTMARK & vSONS. All Rights Reserved ENTERED AT STATIONERS London, Eng. svised and Copyrighted MCMV by M. Witmark & Sons* COPYRIGHTED 1899 BY M. WlTMARK & vSONS. All Rights Reserved ENTERED AT STATIONERS London, Eng. Revised and Copyrighted MCMV by M. Witmarfc & Sons* THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Directory. THE TOM ARK MALE QD ARTETTE FOLIOS CONTENTS No. 1 My Gal's a High Born Lady. Hush Yo' Business, Oh Go On. All Coons Look Alike to Me. Mr. Johnson, Turn Me Loose. Honey, Does Yer Love Yer Man? Leader of Company B. Hojiey, Yause Ma Lady Love. Lucky Jim. I ing. Come Back My Honey, I'se Been Wait- You're So Good, Daddy. Only Me. I Love You in the Same Old Way. Sweet Claribelle. Sadie, My Lady. WITMARK GIRL MEDLEY. Intro. Genevieve My Girl Is a Winner Girl from Paris And They Ali Joined In Isabella. CONTENTS No. 2 Just One Girl. My Wild Irish Rose. Because. Just as the Sun Went Down. Place a Light to Guide Me Home. Olcott's Lullaby. Mammy's Little Pumpkin Colored Coon. Xizzy Ze Zum Zum. Leader of Company B. Honey Dat I Love So Well. We'll Drown It in the Bowl. Sleep. My Little Pickaninny, Sleep. Honev. You'se Ma Lady Love. WITMARK COOX MEDLEY. Intro. Bve-Bye, Belinda We All Have Troubles of Our Own I Didn't Marry All Yer Kin When You Ain't Got No Money, Well, You Needn't Come 'Round Honey Dat I Love So Well Lazy Bill Lindy Bom-Ba-Shay. CONTENTS No. 3 Always. When You Were Sweet Sixteen. Love Me Babe, My Honey, Do. You'se Honey to Yer Mammy Just the Sane. The Girl I Left in Dixie Waits for Me. Forevermorc. My Little 'Lasses Candy Coon. Ma Tiger Lily. Dreams. Ruth. If I Thought You Loved Another. Always Keep Your Promise, Lad. You Ain't Changed a Bit from What You Used to Be. Say You Love Me, Sue. Arranged by Chas. F. Shattuck PRICE, 50 CENTS EACH CONTENTS No. 4 My Elinore. Just Cuddle in My Arms. Side By Side. Queen of Bohemia. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder. A Private in the Ranks. O Wah Hoo. Kiss Me, Honey, Do Dinah. Too Old to Lead the Choir. My Home Girl Ma Blushin' Rosie My Posie Sweet. Sing Me a Song of the South. Deep, Down, Deep. Come, My Sweet Queen. WITMARK STAR MEDLEY. Intro. A Private in the Ranks Ma Rain- bow Coon Sweet Sixteen Florida Flo and The Love Lorn Lily. CONTENTS No. 5 You Needn't Say the Kisses Came from Me. The Great Beyond Semi-Sacred. We're All Good Fellows. Dear Old Pipe. Stay in Your Own Back Yard. While Old Glory Waves. Nobody Ever Brings Presents to Me. Just My Little Yaller Boy and Me. Sadie, Say You Won't Say Nay. 'Tis Better to Have Loved, and Lost, Than Never to Have Loved at All. The Passion Flower. Dear Old College Days. Sweet Maggie May. COON MEDLEY No. 2 Intro. Tildy Come Back, My Honey Boy to Me You Am de One Lou Lou and Ma Blushin' Rosie. CONTZNTS No. 6 'Tis the .Sweetest Song of All. Soldiers. Little Sallie Brown. The German Maennerchor. Tom, the Ne'er-Do-Well. Your Own. Good-Night, Beloved, Good-Night. Ma Starlight Sue. Come Out in the Garden with Me. A Splinter from My Father's Wooden Leg. Pearly. I Never Knew 'Till Now How Much 1 Loved You. Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady. Just a Line from Jennie. It's for Her, Her, Her. Pretty Mollie Shannon. The Crest Trading Company WITMARK MiNSTREl, GUIDE. Directory KEEP YOUR LIBRARY STRAIGHT AND CLEAN BY BINDING YOUR MUSIC WITH "THE "CREST" MANDOLIN, GUITAR, ORCHESTRA AND BAND COVERS. Quickstep size, (5x7) . . per doz. $1.00 Single Covers, 15 cents. Octavo size, (7KxU) 2.00 Single Coveis, 25 cents. Theatre and Concert size (9^x12^) 2.50 Single Covers. 30 cents. Sheet size, (U#xJ4#), Piano or Mandolin size . . . 3.00 ^ Single Covers, 35 cents. -* STRONG, DARK CLOTH BINDING. SEND FOR ONE; AMD, IF YOU LIKE IT. SEND FOR MORE. ABOVE PRICES DO NOT INCLUDE POST, OR EXPRESS CHARGES.^ THE CREST TRADING COMPANY, 144-146 West 37th Street, New a York /A } Contents* SECTION I. PAOB 'Gentlemen, Be Seated" ' 1 Frank Dumont 3 Eleventh Street Opera House 5 SKCTIOX II. Important Instructions for the Middle Man and Stage Manager 8 Selecting the Talent and Arranging the Rehearsals 11 How to Black Up 14 How to Relate Jokes, or Tell a "Gag" 17 SECTION III. A Valuable Dictionary of Stage Terms Used by Professionals 19 How to Produce Stage Effects 23 Colored Fires 23 Rain Effect 23 Wind Effect 23 Thunder Effect 24 lightning Effect 24 Glass Crah 25 Wood Crash 25 Railroad Effect 25 Horse Effect 25 A L,ist of Stage Don'ts 26 SECTION IV. Novel Innovations in Fir t Parts 27 "Our Navy :> 28 Sample Program 29 "The Irs, or a chamber or any in-door or out-door scene, placed beyond an open door arch, or other scenic opening. Mask in. Means to conceal the article or screen from view by other bits of scenery, such as using a wing, or a door, curtains, tree, or screen, to hide the principal object until it is revealed in the course of the play. Closed in. Means that the scene is closed by lowering a "drop," or moving on ' ' flats ' ' to thus end the farce or burlesque. Set in One. Means scenes in the first grooves, down near foot -lights. These " Scenes in One " are generally used when the stage is being set for another scene. Set Cottage. Means a practical house, cottage or other habitation placed at an entrance and braced to keep it in position. Set Waters. These a e pointed waves or " water '' scenes which rest on the stage and are used in sea -shore or marine farces. Sometimes one or more rows are used, when boats are drawn on or between them. Set Fire-Place. An opening in the scene or set piece to represent a chimney-place or a grate fire. Brace. Is a long or short pole with a twisted iron at one end to hook into rings or screw-eyes, and an iron at the other end to enable it to be secured to the stage. They are used to hold up scenes and set pieces, to " brace " a cottage, a wall, a fence, "waters," trees or any stage objects. Battens. Narrow strips of wood to which drops are tacked either top or bottom. This enables them to be pulled up by ropes, or se- cured to the stage by screw-eyes. Props. Means all articles used in the farce, burlesque or comedy, such as : Bread, knives pistols, clubs, clock, table, chairs, etc. Stage Screw-Eyes. Iron screws with rings. These are screwed into the stage by hand to hold objects or braces. Grass Mats. These mats are simply ordinary cocoa mats dyed green. to imitate grass or shrubbery. They are invaluable to the stage manager to place about tubs of plants or for "Lawn" effects in out-door scenes. Foot Lights. Lights at the edge of the stage. Border Lights. Lights swung above ; across the stage to illuminate the top of scene. Up Lights. Means to raise the lights. Lights Half Down. Means to lower them to have a half darkened scene. Business. Anything done upon the stage while speaking or acting. " To remove a coat," " move a table," "shoot a pistol," * 'seize THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 21 and pummel any one," " hiding behind a screen and peeping over,'' " showing fright, joy, surprise, anger," all corne under the head of " business ' This is one of the things hardest to explain properly, illustrate or teach the young beginner. He or she must closely follow the directions of the stage manager during his arduous labor to convev his meaning, etc., to his company. In holding a play book to rehearse, remember that you are always facing the audience. Bus. Abbreviation for "business." Straight Business. This is a part wherein the genteel character " feeds " the comedy, and it is generally the educated man en- lightening the ignorant intruder or companion in the sketch or farce. The genteel character is also known as the "Walking Gentleman " of the dramatic siage. Ginger. To perform in a lively manner. Patter. The " talk " or " chatter ' used in a monologue, or between verses of songs The '* patter " is generally applied to all des- criptive dialogue used by Raconteurs (story-tellers). Feeding. This is where a character talks with the express purpose oi having the comedian reply in a humorous manner, or to lead up in dialogue to the " points ' in his speeches. Points. The emphatic part of a speech, pun or retort wherein the laugh is expected from the force of the remark, or its explana- tion. This is also frequently the ending of a joke or recitation where the full force of the story culminates. Cross-fire. A running ' ' Talk ' ' between the two End Men or Special- ists, in which they indulge in repartee questions, short squibs, satire, sarcasm and jokes at each other's or the middleman's expense. Climax. The grand ending or conclusion of a speech or piece of busi- ness. It is frequently applied to a forcible situation in a drama comedy, or burlesque. Ad. lib. Abbreviation for ad libitum. At discretion. Exit. Means to leave the stage. An outlet from the stage. Exeunt. All exit. Enter. Means to come on the stage from some entrance described in the play-book, Right or Left. Omnes. Means everybody all the characters. Cross. Means to cross the stage, but be careful not to do so in front of any one unless the * ' business ' ' is arranged by the stage manager, as it is considered one of the worst breaches of stage etiquette. Aside. In dialogue, means that portion not to be overheard by the performer who is being addressed, or, rather, a bit of dialogue intended for the audience, such as: " Now for the borrowing of the money," or, " He doesn't recognize me," " Well, I'll get out of this." THE WlTMARK MlNSTREL GUIDE. Aloud. Resuming dialogue in the natural voice and addressing those on the stage. sCue. Is the important ending of a speech where the next person to whom this " cue " is given will speak his or her lines. It gen- erally consists of a few words written thusly: shall go home, and this is a " cue ' to the one having the words in the part or book. Cues for " busim-fs or ''music" are given in a similar manner. Everything is do::e upon the stage by cues, and particular attention must be raid to them. discovered. Means that a person or article is on the stage when the curtain is raised or when flats are drawn. Tag. The closing words uttered by a character or characters in any musical or dramatic performance. Encore. To repeat by demand of an audience the song, speech, or recitation just given. Under dress. Means to have a costume for male or female beneath the one in view. This is done to save time and to hurriedly change costume when the part calls for it. Often several "under dresses" are necessary. First Part. Is the initial portion of a minstrel entertainment where the circle is formed with singers, comedians, orchestra and middleman. It generally concludes with a musical comedy or burlesque called a " Finale." Finale. Means the ending number of the First Part of a minstrel per- formance. Under this caption local or musical burlesques are introduced. Olio. This is the portion following the first part or minstrel circle. Under the title of " Olio," all the specialties, sketches, dances, monologues, solos, etc. , are grouped, and it marks the division of the entertainment in a vaudeville or minstrel performance. After-Piece. The concluding numbers of a programme and generally a pretentious burlesque introducing nearly all the company. (See Sec. VIII.) Jnterlocutor. Another name for the middle man. THE WITM \.RK MINSTREL GUIDE. HOW TO PRODUCE STAGE EFFECTS. i COLORED FIRES, THUNDER, LIGHTNING, CRASHES, HORSE, WIND AND RAIN. ALL the above effects may be used in a minstrel performance, as the Burlesques frequently call fqr them. Therefore, the young amateur and stage manager should become familiar with each and every "effect" needed. Colored fires are used for Tableaux. Battle Scenes, " House on Fire" and Patriotic or Allegorical Illumi- nations. They are made of the following ingredients, and can be manufactured by the young amateur or purchased from "Fire Works'* stores.* The materials needed can also be had and compounded at any drug store. RED FIRE. Strontia, 8 ounces Potash, . * 4 ounces Shellac 2 ounces Lycopodium t % ounce- BLUE FIRE. Nitre, .8 ounces Sulphur, 3 ounces . Charcoal, }4 ounce Antimony, I ounce GREEN FIRE. Nitrate of Barytes, 62^ parts Sulphur ".. . io)4 parts Potash . 23^ parts Orpiment, . . .... . . . . ' ... . i}4 parts Charcoal, ... . . . ... i}4 parts These fires are burned on an ordinary coal shovel or pan, and can be ignited by a quick match, or cotton cord soaked in oil, if a quick match cannot be obtained. Hold the pan over the head as the fire is burning; this will illumine the surroundings much better. RAIN. To imitate rain, place a lot of dried peas or almond shells in a long- box, so you can tip it up and down like a see-saw. In the bottom of the box nail bits of wood as obstructions. The peas or shells falling over these produce the sound of rain. You can place this box in a hanging position and work it up and down with ropes. Dried peas shaken on the head of a bass drum will also give the desired effect. WIND. Bits of old silk drawn over the edges of the bass drum, or a board, will make a whistling sound. This effect is not used very much in, minstrels)*. * See directory at back of cover. >.' THE WlTMAKK MlNSTRKL GUIDE. THUNDER. Suspend iron from long piece flies in of sheet first en- trance, and shake it vigorously. This will make a good substitute for thunder. Pounding on a bass drum will also give the booming sound of thunder or firing of cannon. LIGHTNING. Lightning is furnished by ly- copodium. It can be purchased at any drug store. Put the lyco- podium into a small box, in the top of which many small holes have been made like that of a pepper box. In the centre of this box is soldered a small cup or receptable, into which cotton soaked with alcohol is placed. This is secured by a bit of wire to keep it from falling out when this box is moved to and fro. At the bottom of this tin box is another tin sock- et, into which is placed a piece of wood or part of broom stick to serve as a handle A small opening can be made in the side of the box to pour in the lycopodium, and then cork it up. Here is the illustration of what is called a "flash " torch with which lightning is made : THUNDER F.FFKCT. -D LIOHTNINO TORCH. A. Perforated top and socket holding the alcohol- soaked cotton. B. Bowl or box to hold lycopcdinm. C. Socket to hold the wooden handle. D. Handle. E. Tube to pour in the lycopodium. Strike forward with this torch and "lightning" will follow. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. GLASS CRASH. Get a pail filled with broken bottles, glass, old crockery, etc. Empty this into another pail by elevating the pail of crockery quite high and spilling it into the empty one, and vice versa, as length of crash is required. WOOD CRASH. WOOD CRASH. Numerous bits of old lumber thrown violently down will produce a ' ' wood crash." Sometimes it is constructed like a large "rattle" and turned by a crank. This is arranged on an upright or a frame, and is very effective in imitating a terrific crashing or the fall of some one. See cut. RAILROAD EFFECT. Take a piece of sheet-iron and place it upon a small table or box, then beat upon it with two ''whips" of wires fashioned like egg-beaters. Beat a tattoo upon the sheet-iron and by a little practice you can easily imitate a train at full speed or slowing up. The ' ' whistle ' ' can be made by an ' ' organ pipe " or by the voice. HORSE EFFECTS. The clattering of hoofs, announcing the rapid approach of a horse, is a very effective trick, and by a little practice can be done in a manner to imitate a horse galloping in the dis- tance and drawing nearer and nearer, or vice versa. A small oaken or maple board about a foot and a half long and a toot wide, suspended in front of the person by a strap, will serve as the 11 table." Upon this you beat with two round or oblong pieces of maple, to which are attached little straps, for the purpose of giving the hands a secure hold upon them. With little practice this effect can be readily accomplished. HORSE EFFECTS. 26 j THE WlTMARK. MINSTREL GUIDE. A LIST OF STAGE DON'TS. A GOOD IDEA FOR THE STAGE MANAGER IS TO HAVE THIS READ TO THE COMPANY OCCASIONALLY ; MORE FREQUENTLY WHEN NEARING THE PERFORMANCE. Don't cross your legs in the " first part." Don't make visible efforts to recognize your friends out front. Re- member that it spoils the picture. Don 7 fail to watch the musical director in all chorus work. Don't speak to your neighbor while sitting in the first part unless it is absolutely necessary. Don't keep the stage waiting ; rather be at the theatre or hall an hour earlier than a minute late. Don't sit forlorn looking or with a bored expression upon your face. Look pleasant and enjoy what is being said and done without being too demonstrative. Don't be eager to suggest or try to teach the stage manager his business. Don't think you are the whole show. There may be twenty others in the same circle. Don't grumble, because you haven't the best parts. Remember that while everybody cannot play "first violin" in the orchestra, everybody is important in a minstrel show. Don't look slovenly or careless in your attire. Very Important. Don't pull out your watch (if you have one) to note the length of time. That will be regulated by the stage manager. Don't interfere in any way with the rehearsals, if a bright thought strikes you; wait and suggest it later on. Don' t turn around and giggle if anybody makes a mistake or a string breaks on an instrument. You wouldn't like to be laughed at in public, would you ? Don't have any friends or outsiders present at a rehearsal. This should be strictly enforced. Don't pass remarks about any thing in the course of rehearsals or when a person is striving to learn a part. Remember, we can't all be as smart as you are ? Don' t smoke, Gentlemen, on any part of the stage. Don't leave the stage unless it is your duty or necessary to do so. Don't expectorate upon the stage, -Gentlemen. During performance > carry 'kerchiefs for that purpose, and lastly ; Don't monopolize all the hooks, nails and space in the dressing rooms. Section TU* NOVEL INNOVATIONS IN FIRST PARTS. THERE are a number of ideas advanced in this book that have never been published nor pro- duced elsewhere. At considerable expense, thought and many months of labor, these brilliant first parts are arranged in this work and given to the amateur minstrel for the first time in the his- tory of stnge publications. In connection with these first parts we present illustrations that will aid those desiring to take advantage of these nov- elties in arranging their pictures, costumes scen- ery and general grouping of each innovation, remembering, however, that these are only sug- gestions and need not be strictly adhered to, as there are unlimited possibilities to elaborate upon. Another very important item is the sample pro- gramme which accompanies each First Part of this book, suggesting the songs, (which can be had of the publishers) , olio specialties and after-pieces of the evening's entertainment. The first we offer is entitled " Our Navy." THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 29 PICTORIAL FIRST PARTS. "OUR NAVY." FIRST PART. (See Illustration.) Scene represents the deck of one of Uncle Sam's Cruisers or Battle-ships. Horizon at back. The wings are painted to represent the rigging leading up to a mast and a part of the bulwarks of the vessel. Th-< officers, gunners and crew form the circle of the " First Part," which can be seated upon platforms as used for interior scenes. The middleman is the "Admiral," the singers are the officers, the endmen are " rapid-fire " gunners. All are dressed according to uni- forms worn in the United States Navy. NOTE. This first effective in either white or black face. PIvAN OF FIRST PART. oooooooo Orchestra o Leader. Men Behind the Guns. 000000000 Admiral. Bass. Baritone. ( M r. Dewey^Shootwell.) 2d Tenor. 1st Tenor. Officers, o o o o Officers. Extra Singers. ooo ooo Extra Singers. " Rapid-Fire " Gunners. O o o o " Rapid- Fire " Gunners. OPENING CHORUS " The Witmark Minstrel Overture," .... "OUR NAVY" MINSTRELS SYNOPSIS. 1. Curtain Raiser. 2. Introductory, Bones and Tambos. 3. Opening Ensemble. 4. "Anvil Chorus" (Trovatore). 5. Waltz Song, "Mary." 6. Drink- ing Song. 7. "My Dainty Cigarette." 8. Sleighing Chorus. 9. Whistling and Humming Interlude. 10. Coon Refrain. 11. Finale. Sea Song "Bounding," Mr. R. U. Warbling Neat End Specialty ' Willie off the Yacht, " Gunner Smith Bass Song "Deep, Down Deep," Mr. Campanari Roberts Coon Song " Mandy from Mandalay," Ragtime Gumper Waltz Song "Sweet, Sweet Love," Mr. Vocal Chords Comic Novelty " She Knew a Lobster When She Saw One," Gunner Rigging Ballad " In Fancy You Are Ever By My Side," Mr. Retrospect Drinking Song "We'll Drown It in the Bowl," Rear-Admiral Ofomnies Song and Refrain " Where is My Boy To-Night ?" Mr. Bowsprit Negro Shout "Ram-a-Jam," Gunner Boozy The Intensely Amusing Finale, "THE WONDERFUL TELEPHONE," or a Long Distance Experiment, by Admiral Shootwell, Gunner Jenkins and Gunner Smokeless. PART IL OLLA PODRIDA OF NOVELTIES. The Celebrated Musical Experts, PLINK and PLUNK, In their laughable interlude, called "The Musical Convicts," playing on many known and unknown instruments, depicting the pleasant life of jail birds, if " Harmony prevails." DECK ORATION. BOATSWAIN WINDY GUFF, Reviewing the exploits of heroes, past and present (Section VII.), also the fads and follies of the times. "THE MEN BEHIND THE GUNS." MESSRS. SHELL and DYNAMITE. In a laughable melange of up-to-date happenings, wise and otherwise. (Can be made up of matter contained in Sections VI. and VII. ). PICTURE SONGS. Beautiful Views Illustrating the Popular Ballads, "A Letter from Ohio," "Gold Cannot Buy a Love Like Mine," etc., sung and introduced by MR. R. U. WARBLING. (For list of Illustrated Songs and particulars, see Directory.) Concluding with the Laughable Burlesque, "A PLEASANT EVENING." (See Section IX.) Another good terminating burlesque would be " THE LOBSTERSCOPE." (See Section X.) WlTMARK MlNSTREX GUIDE. 3 THE WlTMARK MlNSTREl, GUIDE. 31 "THE LAWN PARTY." Scene represents a garden brilliantly illuminated. (.See illustration.) Part of a mansion I,. U. E. can be shown. Place a number of shrubs, plants, etc., in tubs about the stage, and here and there some grass mats. Use camp chairs for vocalists, rustic chair for middle man, wooden chairs for the endmen, who are supposed to be the waiters or household servants. In this circle can be placed several ladies in order to get the chorus effect of mixed voices. The costumes can be handsome golf or bicycle dresses, with here and there an outdoor costume of colors. The endmen can dress in the regulation evening dress suits The Telephone Finale or the Shadow Pantomime can be introduced to bring the First Part to a climax. If you select the Shadow Pan- tomime, use a front scene in order to get your " sheet '' and lights ready. Here the vocal corps will render selections in the front scene in order to prepare the pantomime. Extra Singers on the The Guests. o Porch or Veranda. o The Host. o 00 O O Singers. Middleman. The Guests. o o o o o 00 O Singers. o Bones. Attendants. o Waiters. Tambos. o o o o o o PROGRAMME. PART L OPENING CHORUS "The Witmark Minstrel Overture," LAWN PARTY MINSTRELS SYNOPSIS. 1. Curtain Raiser. 2. Introductory, Bones and Tambos. 3. Opening Ensemble. 4. "Anvil Chorus," (Trovatore). 5. Waltz Song, "Mary." 6. Drinking Song. 7. "My Dainty Cigarette." 8. Sleighing Chorus. 9. Whistling and Humming Interlude. 10. Coon Refrain. 11. Finale. Soprano Solo" Don't Ask Me to Forget." Miss High C N Coon Song "I'm the Warmest Member in the Land," Waiter Rufus Song and^Chorus " When you were Sweet Sixteen," Mr. Uppertone End Song "Tell It to Me," Attendant Gam N Harmonized Ensemble, with half darkened stage" My Little, 'Lasses Candy Coon," Solo by Miss So and So >< Dialect Shout "I Love Ma Little Honey," Waiter Ephraim Dashing March Song "Miss Divinity," ' ' Miss Flighty Baritone Solo "Because," Mr. Voche Ethiopian Novelty " You Got to Play Rag Time." Attendant Jim Ballad "Just as the Daylight was Breaking," Mr. Great Solo ( Misses High C and Round Tone Mixed Quartette " Some Day You Shall Know" | Messrs. Velvety and Smooth. NOTE. Drop sheet after Quartette are announced and introduced or when "chord" is played by musicians. Finale "THE WONDERFUI, TELEPHONE." PART II." Mixed Pickles/' Select from our Monologues, Sketches, etc., for this Olio. To terminate the bill " THE CAKE-WALK," "A PLEASANT EVENING," or "ILL TREATED TROVATORE," will be found very effective, as they can be played by ladies or gentlemen. (See Sections VIII., IX. and X.) THE WlTMARK MlNSTRKL GUIDE. THE WITMARK MINSTRHI* GUIDE. f a "OUR BOYS IN CAMR" A MILITARY FIRST PART. Scene represents an encampment on the banks of a river, or use a bright landscape. An effect can be gained by not using the raise' 1 platforms, thus showing a number of tents painted on the scene ; plenty of guns stacked, drums, campfire, etc., to give it a realistic effect. (See page illustration.) The Middleman is the Colonel commanding ; the Staff Officers are represented by the vocalists ; the End Men are the Rough Riders. The entire First Part can be in white face, except the End Men, and all should be in military uniform. Orchestra. ooooooooooooo Guns Stacked. Extras. Middleman. Extras. Guns Stackeu. XXX X 000 000 X X X X Officers. Major. Colonel. Major. Officers. 00000 o o O O Rough Riders. Bones. Rough Riders. Tambos. o o PROGRAMME. PART L OVERTURE AND OPENING CHORUS "Off to Camp," OUR BOYS N. B. Baton juggling can be introduced here, if one of the Company is proficient in that direction. ^ Coon War Song " Lazy Bill," Rastus Hash \ Ballad " Sing Me a Song of the South," . George Cartridge End Song "Hats off to the Boys Who Made Good," Soup Ferguson Bass Solo "At the Sound of the Sunset Gun," Spencer Griflat Mock Ballad "A Large Front Room on Broadway," Hava Shot Descriptive Song "Just as the Sun Went Down," Fast Retreat Ethiopian Medley ' iWitmarl^Cpon_Sonrs, ' ' Pepper and Salt vSong Novelty" The Little Tin Soldier Army,'' Onthe March " THE DARKEY CAVAI.IERS," Military Finale Entire Company N. B. Stage Manager can arrange an appropriate drill for this. PART IL "Picket Varieties." Select from our Monologues, Musical Act or Individual Sketches to make up this Olio. vSections VII., VIII., IX. To conclude with the roaring Military Burlesque entitled, "THE WAR CORRESPONDENT." See cast and full description Section IX. 34 THP; WITMARK; MINSTREL GUIDE. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 35 'OUR GIRL GRADUATES." This First Part is arranged for ladies. You can use the platforms and the diagrams for stage setting as shown in the previous First Parts. (See illustra- tion for appropriate scene. ) All wear the collegian mortar-board hats and gowns. The ladies acting as the " End Men," or "Terrors" of the school, and principal can wear the same in white, or add large collars, white vests and small dress coats over their gowns. The musicians can wear the same in another color; red would make a bright effect. A very humorous Finale will be found in "Girls at School," as it is arranged for female minstrels, in this collection. The Shadow Pantomime, to terminate the performance, will be found easy for lady amateurs, and especially "funny," as it keeps the audience guessing a? to the identity of the performers seen in silhouette attitudes. For ladies' minstrels, would advise a piano in orchestra. Orchestra. Principal. o Students. Students. OOOO OOOO Bones. Terrors. Terrors. Tambos. PROGRAMME. PART L OVERTURE " THE Witmark Minstrel Overture," GIRL GRADUATE MINSTRELS SYNOPSIS. i Curtain Raiser. 2. Introductory, Bones and Tambos. 3. Opening Ensemble. 4. "Anvil Chorus" (Trovatore). 5. Waltz Song, "Mary." 6. Drinking Song. 7. " My Dainty Cigarette." 8. Sleighing Party. 9. Whistling and Humming Interlude. 10. Coon Refrain, n. Finale. Ballad "Always," Miss Vassar \ Southern Lullaby " Honey Little Black Boy Dan," . . . Miss Wildy Song and Refrain "Open Your Mouth and Shut Your Eyes, " . Miss Normal -> End Song" I Won't Play-Second Fiddle to_J^o_Yaller Gal," . Miss Noisey Waltz Song "Only a Dream," Miss Student Comic March Song' "Cinderella, " . ... Miss Shouter Contralto Solo "Just as the Tide Went Out," . . Miss Lowvoice "* SweJH^Qiffi^ng, intro^ Lady." Misses Picture and Pose Song- "The Turn of the Road," Miss Solemnity Oriental Novelty "Two Little Japanese Dolls," . . . Miss Spouter / a. Zenda Waltz Song, \ Misses Tone, Melody ~\b. "Mammy," .... J and the Sisters Harmony : FINALE : "GIRLS AT SCHOOL." See Section VIII. PART II." Examination Day." Select from our long list of timely Speeches, Sketches, Monologues, etc., to make up this Olio, closing with the Scenes in Shadowland, " FROLICS IN THE MOON," or "THE LOBSTERSCOPE." Sec Section X. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 37- " UNCLE TOM'S CABIN." SCENE Represents a coitcm_^eld, landscape or river scene. Orchestra is composed of ' field hands " and seated on'platfoi 111. Directly in front of them are female cotton pickers or 'shouters." Then comes the Circle in which Simon Degree is the Middleman. The three ' End Men " on each side are represented by Topsy, Marks the lawyer, and Aunt Ophelia. To Degree's left are George St. Clair, Deacon Parr3', The Major and Eliza. To his right are Jncle Tom, Phineas Fletcher, Sajnbn and Cassie, house servants. A little girl to represent 'Eva " can be announced and sing a ballad during first part to make it effective and introduce he character. Orchestra. 00000 O 00000 Female Cotton Pickers. 00000 0000 Simon Degree. o Uncle Tom. o o George St. Clair. Phineas Fletcher. o o Deacon Parry. Sambo. o o The Major. Cassie. o o Eliza. Ophelia. o) (o Ophelia. Marks. o >Ends. Ends.W o Marks. Topsy. o J ( o Topsy. NOTE. Would suggest to give the names of the cast with the names of the participants, as is done on a regular programme of the dramatic production, viz.: CAST. (Here substitute real names.) Uncle Tom Ken Johnson. Simon Degree Clias. Hartway. St. Clair Fred. Dwight. George Harris John See. Eliza Harris I. aura King. The Major Sam Ughtfoot. Deacon Parry '1 om Jen revs. Cassie . Saiah Joyce. Sambo Cal. Tompkins. Topsys (Bones) Sally Smith, (Tanibo) Maud Glenn. Marks (Bones) Joe Jones, (Taml o) Jack Norman. Ophelias (Bones) Clara Brown, (Tambo) Caddie Booth. Little Eva Baby Spencer PROGRAMME.-? ART L OPENING CHORUS " The Witmark Minstrel Overture," . . . Entire Company and Orchestra Synopsis : 1. Curtain Raiser. 2. Introductory Bones and Tarn bos 8. Opening Ensemble. 4. Anvil Chorus (Trovatore), 5. Waltz Song ("Mary"). (J. Drink- ing Song. 7. " My Dainty Cigarette." 8. Sleighing Chorus. 9. Whistling and Humming Interlude. 10. Coon Refrain. 11. Finale. V End Song "Home was Never Like This," Marks Jones ' Ballad "The Girl I Left in Dixie Waits for Me," St. Clair Comic Song " Miss Cadenza Brown," Ophelia Booth Bass Solo " Laugh and the World Laughs With You," Uncle Tom S Coon Song "Who Dat Say Chicken in Dis Crowd?" Topsy Smith Introduction of Little Eva. Song" My Sunday Dolly," Little Eva Mock Ballad "Honest John Jones." Marks Norman Waltz Ballad " She is so Good to the Old Folks," Phineas Fletcher Serio-Comic Song "Just Supoose." " ' Ophelia Brown Song "Paint Me a Picture of the Old Fireside," Eliza Harris Humorous Ditty" Best Dressed Gal in Town," Topsy Glenn Female Ensemble" Honey Dat I Lub So Well," Cotton Pickers Finale " Cake- Walk in the Sky," Company A short finale can effectively be made of the song, "Cake- Walk in the Sky," by having the Trpsys~fgit while_the Cotton Pickers are singing, don paper crowns, pin on a large pair of paper wings each and re-enter to refrain. Others can also participate in a genera! cake-walk. A feature can be made by the introduction of two or four half-dressed pickanirameSjjyrio are also fixed up with wings, etc. They naturally would lead the ~cake~-walk, the curtain drop- ping as the walkers exit singing. PART IL " Plantation Pastimes." As mentioned in other programmes selections can be made from the various sections to conclude with, either " THE DARKTOWN CAKE-WALK," " WAR CORRESPONDENT" or "PLEASANT EVENING." ^ THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Jhfc&s88^&$S%^&^ THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 39 CONGRESS OF ALL NATIONS." SCENE Handsome interior or conservatory. Representatives of all nations are seated right and left of Uncle Sam, who acts as Middleman or Interlocutor. To Uncle Sam's left will be seen a Frenchman, Spaniard, German, Chinaman and Kaffir. These are vocalists. The end men on the left an Irishman and a Scotchman use tambourines. To Uncle Sam's right are "John Bull " (English- man), Russian, Turk, Esquimaux and Indian also vocalists. The end men (Bones) are a negro and a Japanese. The orchestra is seated at back. Costumes are shown in the engraving, and a huge flag with Dewey's portrait hangs over the assemblage. Orchestra. Uncle Sam. o Englishman, o o Frenchman. Russian. o o Spaniard. Turk. o o German. Esquimaux, o o Chinaman. Indian. o o Kaffir. Japanese. o) r?,.j c T?HC ( Scotchman. Negro o Ends ' 1 o Irishman. PROGRAMME, PART L OPENING ANTHEM "God Save America," . . ENTIRE CONGRESS Celtic Humorosity " The Jack Pot," Pat Serenade "Adios Amor," ..... Spanish Representative Scotch Philosophy "The Change will Do You Good," . . . Sandy Chinese Episode "YungGoWap, " . . ..... Jap Stirring Martial Song " How a Man Can Die," .... John Bull Bass Song " Gypsy L/ove Song, " .... Russian Representative Barbaric Wooing Ballad" A Cannibal King," . . Kaffir Representative A Parisian Romance "Grisette," .... French Representative Negro Love Ballad " I Want My Hannah, " . . . . . Sambo T Any of the finales can be used. A good finale to this first part would also be a medley of popular and patriotic songs. (See Directory.) At the climax all rise and wave small American flags. "Goddess of Liberty" can enter from L. or R. with large flag and stand C. Colored fire will enhance this tableau. All nations salute as curtain descends. PART IL "International Fete/' Appropriate numbers can be culled from all the sections to make up a suitable programme for this part. A number of original tableaux and interpolations can also be added. For a concluding number either of the SHADOWGRAPHS or " 1 1,1,' TREATED TROVATORE " can effectively be used. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. SHAKESPEARIAN CARNIVAL." All characters assume the costumes and peculiarities of Shakespeare's characters. The middleman represents " Falstaff." The singers are costumed as "Hamlet," "Othello," "Mac- beth," "Henry the Fourth," "Shylock," "Two Gentlemen of Verona," "Richard the Third," etc. The end men are the " Dromios" and "King's Jesters." The young amateur can gain correct ideas of these costumes from the engravings in the illustrated editions of Shakespeare. Scene represents the market-place of an ancient town. Orchestra. 00000000000 Middle man Falstaff. o Othello. o o Richard the Third. Henry the Fourth. o o Hamlet. Shylock o ' o Two Gentlemen Macbeth. o o of Verona. Ends-Bone, Ends-Tambo, CAST. (Here substitute real names.) Falstaff ................................... Sam Kirwin Othello ............. . ..................... Ed. Kemble Shylock ................................... Jos. O'Hare Hamlet ................................... Fred Donor Henry the Fourth ........................... Howard Espey Richard the Third .............................. Billee Young Macbeth ................................... Jas. Warren Two Gentlemen of Verona ...................... Brothers Putnam Jesters (Bones) Eddie Shayne ................. (Tambo) Bobbie Webb Dromios (Bones) Charlie Case ................. (Tambo) Silas Wright PROGRAMME. PART L THE WITMARK OVERTURE .............................. CIRCLE SYNOPSIS: 1, Curtain Raiser; 2, Introductory Bones and Tambos; 3, Opening Ensem- ble; 4, Anvil Chorus (Trovatore); 5, Waltz Song, "Mary"; 6, Drinking Song; 7, "My Dainty Cigarette"; 8, Sleighing Chorus; 9, Whistling and Humming Interlude; 10, Coon Refrain; 11, Finale. Ballad ' Song of the Helmet," .............................. Macbeth Comic Ditty " In Dear Old London," ........................ Jester Shayne Song "Since That Day," ................................. Shylock Humorosity " The Touch of a Woman's Hand," ................. Dromio Wright Duet "Think Once Again before We Part," ..... ....... Two Gentlemen of Verona End Song '-The Birds They Sang So Sweetly," ................... Jester Webb Solo " Forevermore," ................................... Othello Ethiopian Effusion "I'm Dreaming of You, Baby," .................. Dromio Case Finale The Burlesque Operatic Scene, ILL-TREATED TROVATORE. NOTE. In order to introduce this properly, a short front scene must be introduced so as to set the stage after clearing away the platforms. Have the sextette of singers introduce aria from " I,ucia," or " Ca Valeria Rusticana," or a series of vocal medleys, then open the scene to "Ill- Treated Trovatore." Maurice, the imprisoned lover. Lenora. The Count. The Sentry. Servant. Opera-struck ruffians by rest of Company. PART IL Selected Novelties. To be selected from the various sections, as per previous programmes, or, as is often the case, the olio can be given by outside entertainers, either amateur or professional. Conclude with "THE WAR CORRESPONDENTS," or any other after-piece, sketch, etc., that is most adaptable. Section U FOR THE LADIES. GREAT care has been taken in compiling material suitable for the lady amateurs, also to include suggestions of great importance for them. The matter of " blacking up " is one of annoyance if not properly undertaken by the novice. It would be best for the ladies to be entirely dressed with the exception of the waists and have some one person appointed (professional preferred;* to blacken the features of the entire circle. This will enable them to have un- soiled hands to complete their dressing. Where parties prefer to " blacken up " themselves, some valuable suggestions relative to this can be found in the article called " How to Black Up," in Section I. A very important item is the selecting of material, such as the coon songs, ballads, ensembles, jokes, anecdotes and recitations. The conundrums are especially adapted for lady amateurs, as they go with a better snap and vim than extended stories. The speeches, monologues and poems are also an important item for the comic element of a minstrel performance, the monologues and stump-speeches being especially good for the "olio." A choice collection is arranged for ladies, who can use their own judgment in selecting the subjects and topics, trving, of course, to present a variety that should be somewhat different from the other i,K- Let me hear some of your wants. Ex i> (Opens paper and reads.) Wanted A barber to shave iheface of the earth. A bed for a tick of a clock. A timekeeper for a mill race. A sure cure for & pig's stye. A carpenter to put a roof on a ivater shed. A charter for a snoiv bank. Agents to handle the spice of life . Some one to spin a mountain top. A tonsorial artist to shampoo the head of a river. A detective to unravel a grass plot. A doctor to cure a windoiv pain. An audience to see a horse fly A nurse maid to rock the cradle of the deep. A key to afire lock. A comb for a tow head. A singer who can reach the high seas. A man to find traces of a lost harness. A lawyer to try a watch case. A tailor to take the measure of a suit for libel. A sign language for a dumb waiter. Some use for a dog's pants A pair of handcuffs for procrastination, the thief of time. A hand to go with an ami of the sea. A necklace for a neck of land. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 45 Some buttons for a coat of paint. A pump for a well spring of information. A commander to take charge of a courtship. A machine to thrash wild oats. A harness-maker to build a harness for a night mare. A thousand skippers to take charge of a head of cheese. And wanted, "A girl to cook," oh ! the cannibals. But here's the daisy: " Two old maids want washing." Turn the hose on them, quick ! ABOUT OUR FIREMEN. END Our firemen are great fellows and are not afraid of anything, are they? They're not afraid of being " roasted." MIDDLE No, sir ; where danger is thickest you'll find the noble firemen. END Too bad about Bill Gluckerson, wasn't it? He was a fireman and was in that boiler explosion. He was scalded to death. I wrote his epitaph. MID You did ? What was it ? END I put on his monument, " To our ''steamed friend /" Then there was Tom Ladders; he was a fireman, and when he died I wrote an epitaph for his monument. I put on it, " Gone to his last fire." That was quite a severe fire we had three weeks ago, wasn't it ? A musician who lived next door to us lost his violin in the fire. MID Did he? END Yes ; none of the firemen could play on it J Girls love a fireman, don't they? MID I dare say they do, for their bravery. END Yes, indeed, they can spark most any girl ! Do you remember Mollie Cinders ? MID Yes. END She's an old flame of mine. MID You don't say so. END Yes, but her father smoked me out. He actually turned the hose on me. He made it very hot for me. He was a great reader of novels. Are you familiar with the popular writers, past and present ? MID Oh, yes, I'm quite a reader myself END What names of writers would you use to express your opinion on seeing a big fire ? MID I really cannot mention them. END Why ! you'd exclaim "Dickens" " Howett " "Burns!" This city ought to be reprimanded. Our firemen try to be temperance men and to shun strong drink, but this city will eventually make drunken Indians of every fireman. MID And why will it? END Because the city furnishes them with plenty oijire water. ALL ABOUT DOGS. MIDDI.K By the way, what is your brother doing at present ? END Oh, he's doing a corking good business. He's working in a bottling establishment and he's corking bottles. He fell in love with the crudest girl in the city. When she refused him and he said he couldn't live without her, she handed him the card of the undertaker she is engaged to. Wasn't that mean ? MID Say, while I remember it, you sold me a bird dog You swindled me. I went out gunning, took that bird dog with me and he wouldn't touch a bird. END I forgot to tell you, you've got to cook the birds for him. MID Now, speaking of dogs END How's your brother? MID Never mind my brother. I am about to make a present of a do t < '.o a friend of mine, but don't know what breed or style of dog to give him. 46 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDK. END That's easy ; I can tell you just the kind of dog if I know his business. There are dogs to suit all trades. For instance, a man who follows the races and gives you tips ought to have a Pointer. A man who is instructing a base ball team, a '*oach dog. See how easy it is ! MIL, What kind of a dog would you give a detective? END Spotted Dog. MID A balloonist? END Skye Terrier. MID A Prohibitionist? END A Water Spaniel. MID Butcher? END A Bloodhound, or any old sausage dog ! MID A person who is learning to sing ? END A Yeller Dog. MID A lazy man ? END A Setter. MID Colored people ? END Black and Tans. / MID Irishman making mistakes ? END Bull Dog. MID Young lady who sits on her admirer's knees? END Lap dog. MID Dudes ? END Poodles and puppies. MID Old colored man ? END Coon dog. if MID Tobacco chewers ? END Spitz. MID A dog for me and to match my nose? END An ugly Pug. BICYCLE RIDERS' ALPHABET. END There's been all kinds of alphabets, but up to the present time ther have ignored Us completely. MIDDLE Us? Whom do you mean? END We bike riders ! I've composed a bike riders' alphabet, and I'll just throw it at you. A is the Amateur learning to ride. B is the Bicycle he gets astride. C is the Cropper he takes with a thud. D is the Ditch where he lands in the mud. E is the Energy he does display. F is the Fall he gets right away. G is the Gearing he talks right along. H is the Help that he needs to "get on." I is the Injury he will receive. J is for Junkman- who laughs in his sleeve. K is for Kicking he does with his might. L is the Lamp he forgot to light. M is for Mash. Can I by you ride? N is for Nit that she quickly replied. O is for Owe that you owe on your bike. P is for Puncture. Walk home on the pike. Q is for Question. How did you do it ? R is Remark of the friend that "he knew it." S is for Scorcher you thought to admire. T is the Tack that "busted " your tire. U is for '''Uncertainty'' 1 on all thoroughfares. THE WlTMARK MlNSTREX GUIDE. 4/ V is the " F" that you pay for repairs. "W is the Wheel that you chop with an axe. X is the "Xtra " blow when dealing the whacks. Y is the Youth who advised you to "bike." Z is the Zip with which his jaw you do strike. Then you go to bed And you lay like one dead, And for nearly six months "You've got wheels in your head." ABOUT UMBRELLAS. END I lost a beautiful silk umbrella yesterday. MIDDLE Did you leave it anywhere ? END No, the man that owned it came along and took it out of niv hand. I hear that they are going to make square umbrellas. MID Umbrellas in square shape. What is that for? HND So vou won't leave them round. Did you ever notice how people carry umbrellas? Of course, you've heard of the handkerchief flirtation. Well, umbrellas tell the story of the people who carry them. MID Give me a simile. END For instance, if you see a man with an umbrella, and he's very careful of it, keeps his eye on it all the time ; that's a sign he's just acquired it and is afraid of losing it himself . If you see a couple going along the street, and he carries the umbrella in such a way that she is thoroughly protected and he gets all the rain down his neck and over his new clothes ; that's a sign that they are courting. They're in love ! MID Yes ?' END And if he carries the umbrella so she gets soaking wet, and the um- brella covers him; why, they're married. MID Suppose it isn't his wife? END Then I'll bet ten dollars it's his mother-in-law. KND My brother has a matrimonial agency ! Come around if you want tc married. He'll pick out a good wife for you. GIRLS ! GIRLS ! GIRLS ! KND My brother ha: get KND He's got all kinds. He can tell you just what they are and how good they are by their names. MID By their names only? KND Yes, their characters and dispositions. Kor instance : A good girl to have, Sal J 'at ion. A disagreeable girl, Annie Mosity. A fighting girl, Ifittic Maginn. A sweet girl, Carrie Mel. A very pleasant girl, Jennie Rosity. MID How about a stylish girl? KND Why, JUht Cant. A musical girl, Sarah Nade. A lively girl, Annie Mation. A clear case of girl, /f. Lucy Date. A seedy girl, Cora Ander. A clinging girl, Jessie Mine. A serene girl, Mollie Fy. 'MID A warlike girl? KND Millie Tarv ! MID -The best girl of all ? I?ND Your own girl, of course. MID I've got you ; a great big fat girl? KND ^Laughs. ) Klhi Phanl. THK WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. RECITING AT THE PARTY. BONES Didn't I see you at the party last night ? MIDDLE I was very much in evidence . Did you hear me recite and did you hear the applause ? BONES No ; I heard them inquiring after some overcoats and umbrellas. MID Ah, sir ! I covered myself with glory. BONES That's better than that old bed-quilt that you've been wearing so long. What did you recite anyway ? MID Oh, several choice morceaux . BONES More so? You looked how-come you -so when I saw you under the table. MID I recited " Sheridan s Ride, 1 ' and then that poem so dear to the heart of the children, " The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." (Rises dramatically and begins.') The boy stood on the burning deck Whence all but him had fled. BONES Sit down; you make me sick. That's a back number. Next time you recite it, get up like this (pises grotesquely) and here's the up-to-date version of it. " The boy stood in the farmer's field, And ate with great dispatch Of all the sturdy vine did yield Within that melon patch. Yes, beautiful and bright he stood, With colic yet unknown ; Yet soon the hills and dusky wood Did echo back his groan. He still ate on he would not go Without just one more bite, Although he felt queer pangs below His waistband growing tight. Then came a groan like thunder sound The boy oh, where is he? I/ook there, upon the torn-up ground His squirming form you see. Into his bed they laid him quick, This howling colicky lad, And though he suffered good and thick He was walloped by his dad. THE GAMBLER'S LIFE. MIDDLE Do you know John Euchre ? END Do you mean John Euchre, the gambler ? MID Yes ; the poor fellow died yesterday, and I want you to compose some- thing appropriate. Take your time about it. END I can give it to you right now. I don't have to study it over. Let's see John Euchre, gambler. Here you are : A gambler's life is easily explained. First, he tries i.o go it alone. He's a trump if he's on the square. He cuts a good deal with a pack of friends and often calls on everybody to raise money, princi- pally from his ante, or sees his uncle . He's often at the clubs, wears diamonds and plays for hearts. Finally he lays do wn his hand and allows a spade to turn him down in \hzflush of life. If he has been straight he wins the game, though it may be his last shuffle. He's got to cash in his chips, for the bluff is over and he's euchred at last. THE WAR CRIES OF OUR SOLDIERS. END The war is over and we have proven that we are a great nation. Our soldiers would rather fight than eat. Why, we had gallant boys of all trades and occupations in the army. The bona and sinew of our land carpenters, bakers, shoemakers and all mechanics dropped their tools and forsook their workshops to go and fight for Uncle Sam. You ought to have heard how the different me- WlTMARK MlNSTREL GUIDE. 49 chanics would shout a war-cry peculiar to their occupations. The colonels would say: "Attention, carpenters," or "Shoemakers to the front," or "Forward, bakers, to the battle. " Then you'd hear the war cries of the different trades, what they'd shout as they went for the foe. MIDDLE What would the carpenters shout ? END Go for them with a cold chisel, shave 'em and nail 'em ! MID Tailors ? END Go and baste 'em, boys, baste 'em. Rip 'em right and left. MID Blacksmiths ? BND Let them have it red-hot and hammer the life out of them. MID Barbers? END Barbers ! Now for a good brush and a close shave, lather 'em, b&ys, lather 'em. MID Lawyers ? END Skin 'em, skin 'em. MID Bakers ? END -Dough (Do) 'em up quick and bake 'em to a crisp. They knead it ! MID Bill Posters? END Stick 'em on a wall ! MID Doctors ? END Charge them, charge them\ make 'em stick their tongues out ! MID ^Shoemakers ? END Welt 'em, boys, peg away at 'em. Wax the life out of 'em. Don't let a sole escape. MID Suppose that old maids were in the army, which war-cry would suit them ? END Let us at them ! Let us at them before they escape ! PLANTING FLOWERS. IVND Come and see me some day. I've got a hot-house. I'm raising flowers, but I don't use seed ; I just plant any old thing and up it comes in the shape of flowers or weeds. I plant anything. MIDDLE I'll take you at your worcl. If you plant a calf, what will spring up ? END -A cows-lip. MID A dancer? END - Columbine. MID -A poetess? END Blue bell. MID A watch ? END Thyme. MID A crowd ? END Why, rushes. MID A puppy ? END Dog rose . MID Suppose you plant a bee? END Honeysuckles ; that's easy. MID A churn ? END Butter ^cups A lover why, heart's ease. Plant a boy, you get bachelor's buttons. A girl, ladies' ribbons! MID A fox ? END Why, foxglove, of course. MID A baby ? KND Mignonette. Your toes, capers. A copper cent, penny royal. A sa fish, crab-apple. MID Suppose you planted me, what would come up? END Drunken sailor, full of blossoms. MID Suppose you planted yourself, what would spring up? END Daisies ; you bet I always throw bouquets at myseJf. 50 THE WlTMARK MlNSTRKI. GUIDE. PIANO PLAYING. Passing your houee the other night, I heard some one playing the piano . END Oh, yes, we all play the piano. We're all fond of music at our house. I love music I could live on music. That is, with a good dinner in addition. I love all the popular songs : " She made pretzels in Pennsyltucky, " " Way down on the Swanee For Ever," "Don't you remember the Locksmith, Ben Bolt," and " Only One Girl Making Tea." Oh, I love music ! MID But you've got the titles of the songs badly mixed. You must be fond of harmony. END Yes; hominy and molasses. MID Do you play the piano well ? END I'm just an ordinary player. A plunketty plunk kind of a pianist. MID I love the piano, as I am a great pianist myself. END You don't tell me. MID I've been complimented by the great Gottschalk. END Oh, you've got to use c/ial'/c have you? So you play billiards? MID No, no ; the piano. The s^reat Paderewski came out of his way to compliment me. END You must be wonderful. MID I possess a peculiar gift. For instance. I may not be able to hear a sound of the piano, yet, if I can see the fingers of the player running over the key- board, I can tell exactly the tune lie or she is playing. END What's that ? Do you mean to say that if I had a piano in front of me and you couldn't hear a note, you could tell which tune I'm playing ? MID Yes; if I can see your fingers, I. needn't hear the instrument, be it imagi- nary or real, to know the exact tune you are playing. "END I don't believe it. I'll wager you an oyster supper you can't do it. MID What kind of an oyster supper? END Six large oysters for ten cents. MID Make it oysters for everybody. END All right; oysters for everybody, one a piece. Now, then, you'll tc'l me what I'm playing. MID Where's your piano ? END You said an imaginary piano ! MID All right, if I said so ; go ahead and I'll tell you what you are pi ay in i; END ( Begins in pantomine an imitation of fixing piano stool and fingers ii;.- aginary key board daintily.) Watch this plunk hand. (Works left hand rapidly as if playing. I There, what was that ? MID That was very simple. That is a sonata in B flat by Giacomo Botossinni. (End looks astonished at audience and circle. ) END Yes, that's it. Now I'll give you a hard one. (Very grotesque move- ments under the piano, punching keys, then cross-hand movements until climax. There ! What was that ? MID I'm so glad you played that for me. It's an old song I haven't heard for ten years, called ' ' Under the Willows She's Sleeping." (End very astonished, rolls eyes, gazes around, ad lib.) END Yes. (Gasps.) That's it. Now I'll give you some opera. (Very funny movements, jumping up and down in seat. Both hands far apart and wind up exhausted.) What's that? MID The easiest thing you've yet played. That's " Home, Sweet Home," with variations. END (Very astonished.) Yes, that's it. Say, that's a trick. I can do it myself. Bet you some more oysters. Go on and play and I'll tell you what you're playing. M ID (Winks to group.) All right; you'll tell me what I'm playing, will you? Now watch me. (Makes a dash with hands and humming sound with lips.) END That piano wants tuning. What are you doing ? Twisting pretzels? Got a fit ? TI-IS \VITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 51 MID ^Concludes. ) What was I playing ? END That's easy. That's "Home, Sweet Home on a Vacation." MID With variations ! (Winks.) Yes, that's it. Now watch me. (Wild movements and sound with lips as of up and down scale, cross hands. ) Now ! What was I playing ? END I'm glad you played that for me. It's an old song I haven't heard for twenty years. "Under the Pillows They're Creeping." MID You mean "Under the Willows She's Sleeping." (Winks.) You're right; that's it. END I can tell it every time. Play some more. MID Now comes the test. Watch me. (Rises, plays wildly in the air. Right and left like a maniac, all alarmed, shouts three times at intervals, and each time louder.) What am I playing now ? (End is laughing.) END (After third time. ) You're playing the fool. Sit dozvn ! ALL ABOUT CARDS. END When you are playing cards, you don't realize what every card means, do you ? MIDDLE I did not know that cards had any significance beyond their merit in the game or their face value. END Of course not ; because you never think of these things. Now, let me tell you about the cards : England's best card is the Queen. Uncle Sam has just turned down a King, a Spanish one. The Policeman's best card is a club. The politician's best card is a knave. MID How about a society actress' card? END Diamonds ! Have them stolen. MID The grave-digger's best card? END Spades. MID Lover's best cards ? END Hearts ! MID A waiter's best card? END The tray. MID How about a photographer's best cards? KND Face cards of course. Wives give bad husbands the deuce. Fox hunt- ers want the ivhole pack. Barbers get the edges. Dancers get the shuffle. Rejected lovers get the cut. Parents of triplets get three of a kind. Merchants get the deal. Actors get the play, but butchers always get the s/eaAs. MID I'll remember all that. END And if you play, get a chimney sweep and a cornet player for partners. MID Why ? ND The chimney sweep will always follow soot, and a cornet player will trumpet. THE RIVAL SAFE AGENTS. MIDDLE I understand you went to the ball game yesterday afternoon. You told me you wanted to go to your mother-in-law's funeral. END I did want to, but she isnTTTead^yet. MID I would like you to be a canvassing agent for our firm. We need a bright young man to "talk up" our safes, the best in the world. END Are you in the safe business ? So am I. There isn't a safe made that can beat ours, so don't talk about safes around here. c, MID Gentlemen, (to circle.) This young man is articulating through his chapeau. I'll just relate an incident of our safes, and you can judge of their merits. Last Saturday before we locked the safe door, a small dog, unobserved, strayed into it and lying down, went to sleep. We closed the safe door and left the office. During the night a terrific fire broke out. The building, as you remember, was totally destroyed. For twenty hours the fire raged and the sifc lay ri t':e midst 52 THE WITMARK MINSTREL of the flames. We finally took it out, battered and almost burned up, you maj say, and opened the door. And what do you think ? That poor little dog crawled out of it alive, gave a glad bark and wagged its tail. The dog was saved in spite of the terrific heat around and about him. This proves that our safes can stand a red-hot condition and yet its cool interior will protect life and valuables. Now, sir, (to end man) never talk about safes again. Go hide your diminished head. (Laughs, and all join in his mirth.) END Something like that happened to us. We left the safe door open, and a rooster coming along got into it, and the clerk shut the door and locked the com- bination, and went home. That night a tremendous fire broke out. The flames roared and roared for twenty-four hours around that safe. We thought it was melted. After the fire we took it out red-hot. Yes, sir, the safe was red-hot We opened it with crow-bars, and when the door was opened, what do you think ? MID I know just what you are going to say (laughs. ) The door was opened and the little rooster stepped out, flapped his wings and crowed. (Laughs, and all join in the mirth.) END No, sir. There lay the little rooster in one corner of the safe, frozen stiff. A SHIP IS LIKE A WOMAN. END Did you know that I was one of the very first volunteers that went off to Cuba ? MIDDLE Army or Navy ? END -Navy. I didn't want any of that army beef. MID Were you on a gun-boat or a man-of-war ? END I was on a woman of war ! MID You mean man-of-war. END I mean woman of zvar. Now, suppose you saw a vessel approaching, decorated with flags, how would you express admiration ? MID I should say she was a magnificent craft. END There you are. How can a she be a /ie? Therefore it must be a woman of war. Now a ship is just like a woman, for she has bows and a waist. It takes a man to manage her A ship is like a woman, for it brings news from abroad. She always makes up to a pier. She runs after a smack, she's ridiculous when in company of small buoys. She's sometimes in company with a man- of-zvar. And last of all, a woman is like a ship because the rigging costs more than the hull. HOW TO PRONOUNCE TOMATOES. END Say, you're smart. You know everything, or rather you think you do. You've always got your nose into everybody's affairs. Now, let me ask you a question. MIDDLE Certainly ; I'll reply if I can. What is your question ? END How do you pronounce T-O-M-A-T-O-E-S ? (Spells. ) MID Why tomatoes, of course. END _ You don't know much about it. Now I sat at a dinner table and every- body asked for them but pronounced it differently. I'll relate it to you in poetry, and please pay attention to the accent on the word in dispute. Here she goes : Some people pass you Mashed potatoes, And then ask if you Like to-ma-toes. And who, when dining, Make no barters. Say : "Are you fond of Raw to-mar-ters ?" THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 53 And some who dine where There some hate is, Say : "Oh ! do take some Stewed tum-mate-isS* And some who dine where There no lettuce is, Often ask for : "More tu-mett uce-is ! " And some who no more Than a mummy knows, Pass their plates for : "Some more tummy-toes." Now, you see, you don't know much about tomatoes ; so I can't expect you to ketchup. In the Bowery it's: "Say ! Pass dem Toe Mats ! " WHERE THEY OUGHT TO GO. END I'm in a great business at last. You know that everybody wants to go to a watering place, sea shore, resort, mountains or elsewhere, for recreation or a vacation. So I'm the party that sends them where they want to go. I pick out places for them according to who they are, what they are or may be hereafter. MIDDLE I don't quite catch your meaning. END Everybody according to his trade or condition in life must have a place suitable to it. Don't you catch on ? Now ask me where certain people ought to go and I'll tell you without hesitating, for I've made it a study. MID Very well. Where should poultry dealers spend their vacations ? END Egg Harbor ! That's easy ! MID Bike riders ? END Wheeling ! MID Surgeons ? END Lansing ! MID Cowards ? END Cape Fear ! You're a cinch for me. MID People who bet, but never win ? END Luzon ! (Lose on.) MID Gluttons ? END Samoa ! (Some more.) MID Dudes ? END Stilly Islands ! MID Lovers who eat almonds on a wager? END Philippine Islands ! MID Those fond of singing birds ? END Canary Islands ! Oh ! you can't get me off my perch. MID Segar smokers? END Havana ! MID Thirsty people ? END Brandy-wine River and Buttermilk Falls ! MID Colored people? END- Cooney Island I MID School masters? END Long Branch I MID Crying babies? END Lapland I MID Hungry people ? END Sandwich Islands ! MID Old Maids ? END (Laughs.) The Isle of Man ! And they can't get there quick enough f 54 THE WlTMARK MlNSTRKL GUIDE. EATING AND DRINKING. END I was eating my dinner to-day and a very funny idea came to me. I couldn't help but laugh at it. ( Laughs heartily). When you'hear it you'll laugh to. MIDDLE Well, what is it? END I was wondering what it is that separates the food from the liquid when a person is eating and drinking at the same time. MID That's easily explained. It's very simple, indeed. You must under- stand that right here (pointing to throat) in the esophagus. END In the what a gus f MID Esophagus, or thorax ; the upper part of the throat in which are two tubes. END Two wash tubs ? MID (Annoyed) Two little tubes or pipes. END Oh, I see; two tubs in the gas pipes. MID Two pipes, and at the apex of these pipes END Oh, I see, 8 pecks, 2 bushels of pipes. MID (Earnestly and interested At the summit, just where it enters the eppiglotis, is a little valve or clapper It's action is automatic Now, when a person is eating, the little clapper falls over and closes the drinking tube, and when a person is drinking the little clapper falls over the way and closes the eating pipe, and vice versa. (Shows action with hands while describing a valve closing, etc.) END That's simple. Now let me see if I could explain that to somebody . Right here in the borax are two gas pipes, with the apple dumpling on the eight pecks , Then there's a little clapper full of rheumatics When the little clapper falls over, it closes the restaurant. M i D ( Explains ) . The eating tube. END And when a person is eating, the little clapper falls over and shuts up the drinking saloon ! MID Closes the drinking pipe END (Laughs, as with hands, he imitates the little clapper, moving R. and L. like a flapper ) MID What are you laughing at? END I'm laughing at that little clapper. MID What about the little clapper ? END I'm laughing to think what a busy time that little clapper will have when you're eating mush and milk ! (Quick action of hand as you reach climax of speech and laughing, i ALL ABOUT CATS. END There's something that puzzles me. Why does a cat, falling, always alight on its feet ? MID Now a cat always falls upon its feet because the claws END Now look here. No claws in the constitution about it. Drop the cat. How do you know it's always light on. its feet ? THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 55 MID Let ine explain . Now a cat END Well, whose cat are you talking about and where is it, in your yard or on the fence ? MID I say when a cat falls END I'm not talking about cat falls or cat fish. So don't get your back up like a cat. If you can't explain it, just say so and don't meow about it all night. (Angry) Shut up, don't talk back to me. If you don't know why a catwalks easy along the fence and you can't hear it coming along, why, say so. But don't show your ignorance. MID Oh, that's your question, is it? Well, a cat walks softly and unheard because its paws are a" sort of cushion, soft as velvet, which contract as the feline approaches cautiously, and it treads upon these cushions of the paw, especially if approaching its prey. END Oh, bosh! That isn't what makes it walk soft. MID What is it then ? END Rats ! LETTERS IN THE POST OFFICE- END I thought I saw you out at the baseball game. They've got a new pitcher. His name is Dice ; but they found Dice hard to rattle, MID What is your brother doing at present ? END Getting rich by collecting hush money from every family in town. MID Hush money! END Yes; he manufactures soothing syrup. All of our family are smart. If they wanted to find out anything they'd come to us If anything was lost they'd" always come to our house to find "it. We know everything and everybody. Did you know that everybody resembles a letter in the post office? Everybody men, women and children are letters, especially the ladies. MID What kind of a letter is a married lady ? END She's a letter that has reached its destination. MID What kind of a letter is a young lady ? END She's a letter that hasn't been sent yet. MID What kind of letters are babies ? END They're merely little postal cards. MID What kind of a letter is a fat lady ? END She's overweight and collect postage. MID What kind of a letter is an undertaker ? END He has charge of the dead letters only. MID What kind of letters are old maids ? END Letters that have been overlooked in the General Delivery. LITERARY CURIOSITIES. CROSS-FIRE. BONES I saw a thing to-day that proves how smart women are when they wish to be. This woman ran to the depot and was just five minutes late. What did she do ? She turned around and grabbed her dress and caught the train. TAMBO Have you heard the new march The Baby Coach March ? MIDDLE No; how does it go? TAMBO On wheels / Say ! Do you believe in the present war tax ? MID Certainly. The Government needs the tax. There's a tax on every- thing. TAMBO You're right. When I put on my shoes this morning I had to stamp my feet. BONES You're so smart, I'm going to let you know how smart I am. I can tell you just how much water runs over Niagara Falls to the quart. MID You can ? Well, how much water goes over Niagara Falls to the quart ? THK 'WlTMARK MllsSTREIv BONES Two pints to the quart always. TAMBO Say, did you know Bill Blue ? MID I've heard of him. TAMBO He's a poet and don't know it. You know Bill Blue is an engineer, ut West, on a freight train, and his pet engine is number two. One night he had an accident. One of the flues in the boiler of his pet engine blew out and he was stalled, blocking the main line. He reported the matter to the division superintendent, unwittingly as follows : Engine Two blew out a flue, What'll I do? Bill Blue. Then he sat down to await instructions. This is what came over the wires from the superintendent's office twenty minutes later : Bill Blue : You plug that flue In Engine Two, and pull her through In time to get out of the way of twenty-two, Or I'll send you to Kalamazoo, Doo, Doo ! my huckleberry, Doo. MID That's nice for railroad poetry, and a curiosity in the way of literature. BONES Hold on ! If you want curiosities in poetry, let me tell you what I seen. I've seen the rope-walk down the lane, The sheep-run in the vale ; I've seen the dog-watch on the ship, The cow-slip in the dale ; I've seen the sea-foam at the mouth, The horse-fly in the air ; I know the bul-warks on the deck, And the fire-works many a scare ; I've seen a-bun-dance on the plate. A lamp-light on the floor ; I've seen the cat-fish in the sea, And a hat-stand by the door ; I've seen the mill-race in the glen, The heart-burn in the breast ; I've seen a door-step on the street, And a watch-spring in my vest. HOW I IvOVB HER. A SHORT " END " MONOLOGUE. You've often heard the expression, ".1 love you." That's aV very well, but how do you love her? when do you love her? and how much do you love her? I admit that I'm crazy, but there are others as foolish as I am. When a young man is in love, his mind is turned to poetry. This is a sure sign that you are get- ting daffy. But I'll tell you when I love her and how much I love'her Now, please don't laugh at me. If there are any other love-struck people in the audi- ence, besides myself, I hope they'll go out while I recite this : Oh, I love her when it's morning, and I love her when it's noon, I love her in the evening, 'neath the radiance of the moon; I love her when she's singing, and I love her when she sleeps; I love her wh^n she's laughing, and I love her when she weeps; I love her wli^ ,1 she's driving and I love her when she walks, I love her when she's silent, and I love her when she talks; I love her every attitude, I love her lightest whims, I love her when she's biking, and I love her when she swims; I love her when she's romping with her merry girlish mates, I love her when she's dancing, and I love her while she skates; I love her when she's eating, and I love her when she drinks, I love her when she's sneezing, and I love her when she winks; 1 love her after onions 'round her lips do linger yet, For then her love is stronger than any love Pve met. THE WlTMARK MlNSTREX GUIDE). 57 SYNONYMOUS. CROSS-FIRE. MIDDLE I saw you engaged in a row yesterday. It was disgraceful ! Don't you think so? BONES Yes ; I had a fuss with a fellow and he threw an egg at me. It splashed all over my face and clothes, and, oh ! it wasn't an up-to-date egg ! It was passe! It was a disgraceful egg. MID It doesn't make any difference ; if he struck you, you should return good for evil. BONES I did ; I threw an egg at him. MID I mean return good for evil. BONES So I did ; the egg I threw at him was a good egg. TAMBO Say ! You know a great deal. Now, what is the difference between also and likewise ? MID There is no difference; they are synonymous terms. TAMBO Sell-on-y-mous tunes ? MID Webster defines synonymous as meaning one and the same thing. BONES What's Webster got to do with it? He's too fresh saying what's right and what's wrong If I see him, I'll just tell him what I think of him. MID Worcester says the same thing. TAMBO Worcester's all right; he makes Worcester sauce out of sight. He's a sell-on-a -nious sauce maker ! MID You don't understand; also means likewise and likewise means also. TAMBO Xo, it does not ! Now, I'll prove it. You know Hummel, the lawyer ? MID Certainly. TAMBO Well, he's a gentleman and also a lawyer likewise honest. , MID Yes. TAMBO You are also a lawyer ? MID Yes. TAMBO But you're not likewise ! BONES (Interrupting.) Sell-on-y-mous means one and the same thing, does it ? MID Yes. BONES What's a one-dollar bill? MID A one dollar bill, of course. BONES What's another one-dollar bill? MID Synonymous ! TAMBO What's two things alike ? MID Synonymous. BONES What's a pair of twins t MID (Laughs) Synonymous. BONES AND TAMBO What's one elephant and another elephant and what's one clothes-pin and another clothes-pin ? MID Silence ! You are a pair of fools. BONES AND TAMBO (Pointing at MID) Synonymous ! MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS. CROSS-FIRE. MIDDLE Gentlemen, ^o you love music? BONES I cmrHr'eaTmusic T TAMBO ]^eeld4iye onjnusic ! MID I am pleaseulb note the fact, for it shows an appreciation of harmony. BONKS We can tell you all about musical instrumer-ts. Did you know there were musical instruments for everybody ? Men, womer and children in all occu- pations? WlTMARK MlNSTREI, GuiD. MID - 1 certainly did not. TAMBO It shows you don't know much about music. MID Then tell me the suitable musical instruments for everybody. Which instrument should a fisherman play upon? BONES The bass-oon and cast-a-net. MID An old maid ? TAMBO The man-do-lin. MID A man with a cold in his head ? BONKS The guitar. ( Catarrh. ) MID An undertaker? BONES The bones. MID A burglar ? BONES The lute. (Loot.) MID Cats on a wall ? TAMBO Tom Tom. MID Keeper of a poor hotel ? BONES That's easy. A vile-inn. (Violin.) MID A prize fighter ? TAMBO -A music box. MID Which music is appropriate for the President? BONES He likes a march && fourth of March. MID Which is a good song for a barber? TAMBO Oh, comb, oh, comb with me ! MID Niagara hackman ? BONES" With all thy falls, I love thee still." MID Which is a good song for a tramp caught in the rain? TAMBO " Wet till the clouds go by." MID Good song for me at my boarding house ? BOTH " When you ain't got no money, well, you needn^t come 'round I " REMARKABLE BRAVERY. CROSS-FIRE. MIDDLE I understand you attended the banquet the other night. Did you enjoy yourself ? Did you take well ? BONES You bet I did; I got three spoons, four napkin-rings and a sugar- bowl. I would have swiped more if I'd had a chance. TAMBO (Interrupting, to Middleman.) Say ! Does your sister use face powder ? MID She uses a little powder. I think. TAMBO A little ? She puts it on so thick that she ought to join the plaster- ers' union Oh ! what a face she has and wrinkles ! Ugh ! They are good for the flies to hide in. MID I hope you will not criticise my sister's features. BONES Her feet ! Oh ! (Laughs. ) She'd be awful tall if there wasn't so much of her on the ground. Feet ! Oh ! They are like a couple of trunks. TAMBO I guess she must leave her feet outside of the room when she retires at night, doesn't she? MID You wouldn't believe she wears number twos ? BONES You mean twenty-twos ! TAMBO Two hundred and twenty-twos ! MID Now, there is a brave and noble girl. Let me relate an incident. The other night a burglar entered the house and began, dark lantern in hand, to search BONES For her feet ? Why, he couldn't ^^ falling over them. MID (Annoyed.) No! No! While the burglar was searching, my sister heard him. TAMBO He stepped on her feet, and next day she felt it. THE WlTMARK MlNSTREl, GUIDE. 59 MID Oh, listen ! She heard the burglar what did she do ? BOTH Stepped on him and he died ! MID No; she didn't scream nor betray timidity, but ran out BOTH With those feet? MID (Angry.) Yes, yes. TAMBO I don't see how she could run. BONES May be somebody carried her feet in a wheelbarrow and she followed them MID No ! I tell you ! I repeat she ran BOTH And tumbled over them. MID No, sir ! She ran to the corner and found a policeman BONKS Fast asleep on her feet ? MID (Very angry) No ! TAMBO Then he was inside one of her shoes ? MID No ! She found the policeman, brought him back to the house BOTH And he arrested her feet ! MID (Rises in anger) Shut up ! BONES Shut up, yourself ! They weren't your feet, were they? TAMBO Shut up your sister's Trilby s ! MID (Excited. ) The policeman came to the house and arrested the burglar. That's what I call bravery ! TAMBO Get out ! Any girl in this town could do that. BONES Certainly they could if they had the chance, but they couldn't . the door-tender. He says: ' ' Tickets or money I ^V-j feadkeads k&r*> ^\ *-\ the frog had a greenback and passed rigjfc* in* 66 THE WlTMARK MlNSTREl, GUIDE. MIDDLE That was good for the frog. END Hopping good. The duck had a bill and followed the frog. The lamb had four quarters and followed the duck. But the unfortunate skunk was left outside. He had only a scent. Naturally he turned away feeling pretty blue. MID I don't blame him ! END As he was slowly going back over the hill, he met a hoop snake rolling along at a lively rate toward the show. The skunk greeted him, but the snake did not stop. '* Don't interrupt me, " he cried, over his shoulder; "I've got to do a turn, and I'm a little late. " And he rolled along. At the top of the hill the skunk noticed another old friend approaching. It was the sardine. " Hullo ! " cried the sardine ; "what's the matter? " So the skunk told him. "I can guess how you feel about it. " said the sardine sympathetically. " I belong to the smelt family myself. But, say, old fellow, you come right back and go in with me. I've got a box." MID. That was lucky ! END Yes ; so when they got into the tent they found it crowded. The sar- dine couldn't use the box, but they all went and sat on the elephant's trunk, and gave three cheers and a tiger, and I'm not lion. FIXING THE PANTS. got an invitation to go to a party, but I didn't have a pair of pants suitable. So, I went and bought a pair, and found, when I got home, that they were two inches too long for me. I says to my mother: "Mother, I bought a pair of pants, and they are two inches too long for me. Will you cut off two inches and sew up the bottoms ?" She says: "I'd like to, but really I'm too busy, and can't spare a moment." So I went to my sister Arabella, and I says : ' Bella, I bought a pair of pants and they're two inches too long for me; will you two inches too long for me. Will you cut off two inches, and baste 'em up for me!" She says: "No! emphatically, no ! Get out of the kitchen! I haven't got time to bother with you or your pants !" So, I took them to a tailor, had two inches cut off and the bottoms sewed up. I brought them home and threw them over the back of a chair, and went out to get shaved. My mother came in and saw the pants. She says: " That poor boy wants to go to the party; I'll fix his pants." She cut off two inches and went out. My sister came in, she saw the pants and she says : " I guess I'll have time to fix 'em before Charley calls," and she cut two inches off the pants and went out. The servant girl came in with a pair of shears, and she says: "I guess I'll oblige him and fix his pants for him." She cut two inches off the bottoms. MIDDLE You didn't go to the party ? END Yes, I did. MID You didn't wear those pants? END Yes ; I wore them for a belt. YACHTING TERMS. MIDDLE I dearly love a yachting trip, but, as I am not a sailor, I do not know anything of the yachting terms or understand the nautical jargon of the salt water folks. END I thought you'd understand any kind of a jag on; but you're talking to an old yachtsman when you're talking to me. I love the sea. I can't sleep unless buckets of salt water are splashed against my window, just to lull me to deep. MID Then you are a sailor? WlTMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 67 END I was rocked in the cradle of the deep by Davy Jones. I'll give you all the pointers you need about yachts. MID But the expressions and their meanings ? END Plain as the nose on your face, and that's pretty plain. For instance, when they weigh the anchor, they put it on the scales, and you can see for yourself how much it weighs, and they can't cheat you. You must always remember that there are three kinds of yachts first class, second class and steerage. For in- stance, water line means where the temperance line is drawn. Load line is when the sailors get a jag on board ! Time allowance that's when you buy your yacht on instalments. Sex of vessels : all yachts and ships are called she, except mail steamers ; don't forget that ! Can buoy means a young sailor who rushes the can. Lead line is a line drawn with a lead pencil. Wind-lass that's a sailor's Sweetheart. Starboard that means a star boarder on a yacht. Port means any old port in a storm or any old port wine that's lying around loose. Capsize the caps for yachtsmen vary in sizes. They wear bigger ones in the morning, of course. Avast heaving that means, stop being seasick. Captain's quarters 2111 the 2$-cent pieces he can lay his hands on. THE RIVAL POETS. END ^You seem to be a very busy man now-a-days. I can never find you home when I call. MIDDLE I am extremely busy. I am writing poetry, essays and storyettes for a young ladies' magazine. END You don't tell me. I never knew that you were a poet. (Teasing him.) I thought you'd make a better oyster-opener or driver of a wagon, or something like that. So, you're a poet, are you ? MID Yes, and I take great delight in my work because 1 am successful. END I'm something of a poet myself. I'm a peculiar poet. I can't start a poem, but I'm great in putting on the finishing touches, the varnish, as it were. I shine it up ! MID I see; you are not much in promulgating the theme, but you are excel- lent in concluding the rhythmic effusion. ND (I^ooks at him in astonishment.) You've changed your boarding house again, haven't you? Now to show you what kind of a poet I am, you just begin a few stanzas and I'll put the finishing touches to it. MID In other words, I am the alpha and you are the omega. END. Yes, I'm after the old nigger this time. Start your muse. MID Very well; I'll begin a stanza and you are to finish it. (Romantically recites. ) Throughout the woods The little birds, The sweetest music thrills. It is the time all nature turns END- -(Interrupting.) To Cartels Liver Pills I Now, isn't that sweet and appropriate? Go ahead! You've got me Hungry nov. MID Oh! that's awful! (Disgusted.) Carter's Liver Pills. END They're awful, but it rhymes with thrills, and hills and ills. Give me some more; my poetic brain is working. MID Here's another: (Enthusiastically.) The farmer's boy now gladly comes" With all his merry tunes, He sits down quick, beside the maid END (As before) ^<* ri Ps ^is pantaloons ! You can't loose me. See how quick I got the rhyme for you ? MID Your poetry will never do. It would not please the ladies. Now, I* U 68 THK WITH ARK MINSTREX GUIDK. show you the style of poetry the ladies admire. This is my own composition. (Points out toward audience dramatically.) See the little cloudlet, Over the little wavelet, Uke a tiny leaflet Dawn-cing o'er the sea. END Dawn-cing o'er the sea ! You ought to have seen your mouth. It look- ed as if it had dropped out of its place. (Imitates him. ) See the little cloudlet, Over the little wavelet, Oh, somebody ought to hit You with a ten-inch gimlet. You ought to go down in the yardlet, To the pumplet, And soak your big fat headlet, Dawn-cing o'er the sea ! You make me tired and weary. MID Here is something I think real sweet and pretty. (Recites again.) I know a maiden young and fair, With heart as light as feather ; With garlands in her nut-brown hair, Tripping through the heather. END You ought to go out in the street and let a trolley car run over you. The idea of a girl with nothing but garlands in her hair, tripping through the heather. Why, the poor girl would catch cold tramping around in the wet grass. Here, I'll show you how you ought to recite that : I know a maiden young and fair, Her shoes were made of leather, She fell down stairs and broke her hair, And the air was full of weather. MID I don't like your poetry. END Well, I don't like yours. Somebody ought to go out and get a nice warm custard pie and push it up against your face. "Tripping through the heather ! " You're a nice plum, you-are. MID I'll try you again. Listen to this. (Recites.) She thought of the flowers and stars above, And then she thought of the power of love. Now, isn't that very, very pretty ? END You make me sick ! Here's what she ought to say : She thought of Mike Who was often beside her, And then she turned, and Stepped on a spider. See ! that's natural. The spider is liable to be there, and she could step on it. The public wants natural poetry. Things that are liable to happen, not the crazy, mushy things you've been writing. You ought to be arrested ! You're worse than a cigarette crank ! THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 69 END Not a bit like it. I'll give you that. Listen : Down in the kitchen A maiden fair Out of the hash Was picking her hair, (End overjoyed at his success and Middle thoroughly disgusted and speech- less.) CRYING GAG. MIDDLE I was just thinking of the time I sang at a party, and the song is one I shall never forget. It carries me back to dear old England. END Carries vou back ! I guess that's the only way you'll ever get back. It's cheaper than rjaying your fare. MID Here it is. (Takes out ballad, sheet music.) Now, very few people know how to render a ballad, but I flatter myself that / can. This is called " Sweetheart, why did you leave me ?" END I see you put the emphasis on why did you leave me. You place the adverb before the a^uoirjliLpais. MID Now listen ! I'll read you the poem and sing the chorus. (Begins to beat time with one hand.) Oh-o-o-o. END You have a touch of the hydrophobia, haven't you? MID That's how it begins. Oh-T>co7 END I know you owe everybody, but go on. MID You see it is carried over into the next bar, RND You owe the next bar, too, do you? Well, show me some bar you don' t owe. I.I ID (Reads) Oh-o-o sweetheart, why did you leave me ? Tell me, was it fault of mine? END He wants to know if it's his fault that he owes every bar. MID (Annoyed, but resumes reading.) Oh! 'tis the first time you have grieved me; you always were so good and kee-ind. END Good and "kee-ind ! " MID (Reads) Do you recall when last we parted? END Do I ? Well, I thought you'd never get home. MID (Reading) You were so full of joy and bliss. END Oh ! but you had a load of joy and bliss on board. (Laughs. ) Where was that we parted ? Corner of Freeze to Death and Chilly Avenues, wasn't it? You went one way, I went three different ways. MID (Angry) I'm reading you the song. END I'm telling you how we parted. MID I don't wish to hear it. (Reads. ) You were so true and gentle-hearted. I never thought (begins to sob) 'twould come to this. END Come to what ? MID (Sobs) I never thought 'twould come to this. (Weeps and sobs, then repeats / never thought 'twould come to this. End begins to sob and cry also. Both are now crying. ) MID Oh, 'tis the wail of a saddened heart. END It sounds more like the exhaust of a bath tub. MID (Sobs ) You don't know how this touches me . (Weeping. ) END I don't care as long as you don't touch me. MID (To Company) Would you like to hear the chorus? (They all nod yes. ) (To end. ) Would you like to hear the chorus ? END I'll stay if the rest do ! (All the weeping and sobbing is done accord- ing to judgment of both Middle and End. ) MID It is in seven flats. ( Wails.) END That sounds a little jlat to me. MID (Half sings or wails) Sweetheart ! Sweetheart ! I'm singing through the lattice. 7O THE WlTMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. END It sounds as if you were singing through your nose. ' MID This song is sung to the accompaniment of the crickets. END Poor little crickets. It's tough on them. MID Sweetheart ! END (Sobs) Are there two of 'em? MID No. It is slurred ! END The second sweetheart is slurred ', poor thing. (Sobs.) MID (Sings) Some day you will return to me. Oh! I can't sing it. (Breaks down in sobs.) END Whistle it ! MID Oh ! I can't see a note. END You never can when they're due. But go on; make me weep. MID (Sings) 'Twill free my heart from every there's an accidental. (Looks at music.) END Tear it off ! (Wipes eyes with 'kerchief.) MID Oh ! I can't finish it. (Weeps. ) END I'm so glad. (Weeps. ) You've got a nice voice and you read a song so pathetically. Your voice \s> fishy and scaly like, but it's good. I was a good singer before I got married. (Weeps ) Oh ! I'm so happy I wish I were dead. MID You married late in life. ( Sobs. ) END. (Sobs) / wish I'd made it later. MID Whom did you marry ? END Widow Jones. Hank Jones' widow. MID Did he leave any real estate ? END Yes ; he left the earth. MID I mean, did he leave anything? END ( Crying) What ? MID Did he leave anything? END Yes ; / married what he left ! N. B. This is what is called a " Crying Gag," and judgment is required to not overdo the sobs and weeping, gradually working up to a good crying finish. MODERN DEFINITIONS OF COMMERCIAL TERMS. END Are you a man of business ? MIDDI,E No, sir; I am a gentleman of leisure. I'm living on my income. END I guess you haven't got long to live, have you ? Now, let me give you a pointer about banking affairs, a sort of up-to-date definition of commercial terms. MID What is a bankrupt ? END A man who gives everything to his lawyer so that his creditors will get it. Assignee is the chap who has the deal and gives himself four aces. A bank is a place where people put their money, so it will be handy when other folks want it A depositor is a man who don't know how to spend his money, and gets the cashier to show him. President is the big fat man who promises to boss the job and afterwards sub-lets it. A director is one of those that accepts a trust that don't involve either the use of his eyes or ears. Cashier is of en a man who undertakes to support a wife, six children and a brown stone front, on thirty dollars a month and be honest. Collaterals are certain pieces of paper as good as gold and payable on the first day of April. Assets usually consist of five chairs and an old stove; to these may be added * spittoon, if the bust ain't been a bad one. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 71 I/labilities are usually a big blind that the assets won't see nor raise at an/ time. A Note " A promise to do an impossible thing at an impossible time." MID Suppose, in business, a man robs you of twenty dollars, what is he ? END He's a thief, a mean, paltry thief. MID Suppose he robs the bank of half a million dollars ? END Oh f He* s only a defaulter and a tourist. THE BOY STOOD ON THE BURNING ROOF. END I went to a party the other night and I heard a great recitation by Monahan, the Irishman that works in the lumber yard. MIDDLE What was the name of the recitation ? END The Boy Stood on the Burning Roof. MID You've got it wrong, I know the recitation very well. It begins thus : The boy stood on the burning deck, Whence all but him had fled. The flames that lit the battle wreck, Shone brightly o'er his head. END Oh, cheese it ! Not a bit like it. Yours is the old way. It won't d now-a-days. They want it up-to-date, with new ideas. MID Nonsense; that poem cannot be improved upon. END That's all you know about it. You ought to hear Monahan recite it, with his Irish brogue and the way he used his hands. MID Go ahead, recite it for us. END I'll show you how Monahan walked, talked and looked. (Gets up and limps to C. and recites in Irish dialect, accompanying with gro* tesque gyrations ana grimaces.) The boy stood on the burning roof, Whence all but him had fled. The building being quite fireproof, With flanv- ~vas painted red. Huge tongues of flame in fiendish joy Kept darting out like mad, And began to lick that noble boy, As if they were his dad. " Jump !" yelled the horror stricken crowa "Jump, t>ubby, from the ridge." "I can't!'' he dancing shrieked aloud, "This ain't no Brooklyn Bridge." The firemen tried in sad despair That gallant boy to soak, But alas, no stream could reach him there ; And he began to smoke! Then came a voice of thunder sound, From one cool man below : "I'll save ye. boy, unless you're broiled Jump ! when I say, to go I" Then snatching up a hose, he aimed A mighty stream on high ; "Jump on that water/" he exclaimed, "And^rad it tight or die!" Hurroo ! With one terrific scream; Out jumped that little kid, He grabbed that solid stream of water, A nd safely to the grou nd he slid. (Returns to seat) 72 THE WlTMARK MlNSTREl, GUIDE. A VEGETABLE STORY. END I worked for a farmer and fell in love with his daughter. Her name was Marjerum Pickles, and her father was an Old Seed Cucumber. I had charge Of the vegetables and I'd make love to his daughter as I worked in the garden, she was a vegetable girl. She had carroty hair, reddish cheeks, turnip nose and eyes like onions, and they'd always leek. I suppose you know the names of all vegetables, so I'll use their names to tell you my story. I was working one day, taking my thyme when along came Sweet Marjoram with such a sage look on her face that I said " Oh " seven times. I was about to put eight o's when I saw she had a bottle. She said it was Pas nip, so I couldn't cabbage it. Just then Old Pickles came over the fence. It was of barbed wire and it tore his clothes badly, Which made him rue barb fences after that. I saw he was mad for the bunch of Hfiinach on his chin was agitated by the breeze. I says lettuce have peas, beans , it's you ! He says : "No; you can't string beans around here. I'll cut down your tilery, you lazy cauliflower" My anger began to sprout. I threw a tomato at him iut it fell on his corn. Then he was beet. He found out that I was some pump* *ins for I pickled that cucumber quick. I've been the dandy lion ever since* aad now I'll squash my story. HOLD YOUR HEAD UP. END I went to see my young lady the other night and her father came in. He says, " Who are you?" I told him I was a newspaper man and was going to start a paper. He says: "It looks so, you began to make your visits weekly. Then it grew to be in-weekly and now it's daily, with a Sunday supplement." I told him after marriage we might have an extra. But there was no use starting a newspaper in that town. The old maids would go around and tell all the news before I could print it. When I proposed to this young lady I couldn't say a word. I got a sort of stage fright. I fell on my knees and couldn't think of any- thing. Just then her father came in and helped me out. MIDDLE For a fellow who pretends to be smart, you have a peculiar way in Balking. You carry your head down. Why don't you walk with your head up- right as I do ! END I hang my head down and your head always stands up ! MID Certainly, (laughs) your head hangs down. END Have you ever been through a field of wheat when its ripe ? Some of ibe heads stand up and some hang down ! MID Well, what of it? -^ID The heads that stand up are empty. There's nothing in them. THE SEGAR TRICK. attended a reception last evening and I saw a clever thing. I I can reproduce it. It is an optical illusioti. (Produces two segars from vest - suppose her name is ? MID. What is the name of the liquor dealer's wife? SECOND "BffTD.Ginny. THIRD END. Say, you ought to hear what the fish dealer calls his wife ! MID. What does he call her? FIRST END. Nettie. FOURTH END. Say, you know Johnson, the letter-carrier? Well, what d you think he calls his wife ? MID. What does he call his wife ? FOURTH END. Carrie. FIRST END. Say, (laughs) you know that man from Chicago? Well, h- calls his wife Trilby. ( Points to his feet. ) SECOND END. And there's (name) the tonsorial artist ! What do you think he calls his wife ? MID What does he call her ? SECOND END. Barbera. THIRD END. You know Mr. Courthouse, the lawyer? What a coincidence in his wife's name ! MID. What does he call his wife? THIRD END. Lize. FOURTH KND. And there's Jackson, the farmer. What do you suppose lie calls his wife? MID. What is her name ? FOURTH BND. Tilly. FIRST END. Oh, I nearly forgot. (Laughs.) There's Simpson, the dentist. MID What does he call his wife? FIRST END. Tootsey. SECOND END. (Laughs ) I came near forgetting about (mention his name). You know his wife is very fat. What do you suppose he calls her? MID What does he call his wife? SECOND END. Leaner. (Lena.) THIRD END. Can you tell me an appropriate name for a shoemaker's wife? MID. I can't say that I can? THIRD END Peggy. FOURTH END. Now, what would you call an auctioneer's wife? MID. Don't know ! V' FOURTH END. Bid-dv THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. COURTING AND THE NEW METHOD OF WEIGHING. END. I don't like my girl's little brother. He's a villain. He put a tack on the chair the other evening. And the business end of the tack was up. Well, I sat down and I jumped about ten feet. Now, if there's anything that will make a man rise quick in this world it's a tack. And that boy laughed and laughed at me. Well, it wasn't my place to laugh, so I had to grin. We sit on the sofa and call each other pet names She calls me lovey-oh-lovey and I call her dovey. Her right name is Livery Stables, but I don't call her that. Her people are all high strung. Her father was hung. All her folks belong to a base ball club. She used to catch me and ask me in the house and her big brother would pitch me out. Then I'd make a home run and stay there. Whenever I wanted to get her out, I'd go under the window and shout fire. She'd look out and say Where's fire ? and I'd put my hand on my heart and say Right here. Her mother got on to my racket, for one night she threw a bucket of water all over me and// the fire out. Say, do you think (local town) is a healthy place? I do. Now, a friend of mine said to-day that when he first came here he weighed 86 pounds. Now he weighs 2Ji pounds. Must be a healthy place. Now when I first came here I only vreighed 6 pounds ! Look at me now ! MIDDLE. That's wonderful. END. Not so wonderful; I was born here. Speaking of weight, come down t o the fish dock and see me weigh the stuff; then come over to the slaughter-house. I'm in great demand. I don't think this city could get along without me. MID. Have you charge of the scales ? END. No! It's a new method. (Explaining.) They drive the cattle past me and I say those oxen weigh eleven hundred pounds. Those calves weigh three liundred and six pounds, those hogs six hundred pounds, those sheep one thousand pounds, and it's always accurate MID, You guess at it. END. No No right every time. It's a gift I have. I can tell the weight of anything. Tell how long you wait for her on the corner. MID. You can tell the weight of anything? I'll try you (To circle.) Gentlemen, I was weighed to-day and you know my weight. (Rises. ) Come, sir ! How much do I weigh? END. Come down where I can see your feet. (Looks him over.) You you weigh exactly 172 pounds and an ounce. MID. That's my weight to a fraction. This is wonderful. How do you do this ? How can you do it? END. That's nothing? I'm weighing hogs every day ! (Middle man sits, disgusted.) MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS. END. Come down and see me. I'm working in a music store. I'm head clerk. If a fly gets on the window, it's my duty to brush him off, and I chase dirt with a broom. When they are short of shavings they use me for shavings to pack boxes. Do you know that I can tell just what kind of a musical instrument a man wants the minute he comes into the store. If I know his occupation, I know just what musical instrument will suit him. MIDDLE. Do you mean to say that a man's business should have anything to do in selecting a musical instrument? END. Yes and I'll bet you an overcoat something you need that I can prove that all occupations need certain musical instruments. MID. Very well; I'll try you. What would be a suitable instrument for a letter carrier? END. Letter carrier Bag pipes. MID. What should a doctor play on ? END. Nose doctor catarrh {guitar} and an ear doctor, the drum. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. MID. Musical instrument for free masons ? END. Cymbals, (symbols.) MID. For bank cashiers and escaped swindlers ? END. Gong. ( Gone. ) MID. A man that keeps a bad hotel ? END A vile inn. (violin.) MID. Good instrument for a pawnbroker? END Jeiu's harp. MID. Good one for a politician ? END. Any kind of a wind organ. MID. Good musical instrument for a mother-in-law ? END. They'd^ bone. MID. For ball players ? END. The double^ base, (bass.) MID. Now what is a good instrument for two young lovers ? END. Mouth harmonicas ! Yum, yum, yum ! THINGS ARE VERY MIXED. CROSS- KIRK. BONES. Peculiar thing I saw in a cemetery. A woman had buried seven husbands there, and to be economical she had one tombstone for the whole lot ; she had a hand chiseJed on it pointing upwards ; I suppose in the direction she thought they had gon.-. An old gambler came along ami wroLe under the hand seven up. Speaking of gambling, did you ever hear the A B C of poker? MID. I don't quite comprehend BONES. The A B C of poker an alphabet composed expressly for people who play poker. I'll recite it for you. MID. I'm all ears. BONES. Anybody can see that you're a donkey without you telling us. Now listen : THE TOILER. ALPHABET. A is the ante, B is the blujff C is tiie cash which is vulgarly stuff; 1) is tiic draw u momentous evem ; K is ."or elevate, takes your last cent : F is the i i i yo'.i h.ive w.ien }'ou win ; G is thcgitlie who loses his tin ; H is the nand th it i . dealt ID you pat ; 1 stind-; for in, an important, thing that ; J is the/a/fe pot, whose Braises we sing ; K is the kitty, vivacious thing ; L, is the lojer, he's always aiound ; M is the mo BND Who would have you, I'd like to know ? MID Ah ! I have several chances, but the girl I want for a wife must possess certain qualities. She must be sensible and not vain. She must be a help- mate in every sense of the word. I want a young lady for a wife who will go down in her mother's kitchen and knead bread ! END (Laughs. ) You bet your life, if she marries you, she'll need bread. MID No, sir ; for a good wife, I'd live on bread and water, and (enthusiastically) if we love each other, we'll both live on bread and water. END Correct again ! She'll have to furnish the bread, and you'll manage to get & pail of water now and then. TWO NOBLB HBROBS. END i se e you are wearing a lot of medals on your coat. You're not Sousa or a hero from Manila, are you ? MIDDLE No sir ! but I am a famous life-saver. BND A life saver ? MID If you have not heard the story I'll tell it to you. I chanced to be down at the sea-shore last summer. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. END You chanced to be there? Sneaked down, did you, in a freight car? MID (Annoyed.) Oh, no! As I said before, I chanced to be there, and while strolling on the beach I saw a vacating party quite a distance out. Sud- denly a treacherons squall swept iti from the sea. The yacht was instantly capsized. I heard a woman scream as the vessel careened and they were cast into the sea. What did I do ? END low stole the boat. MID (Vexed.) Nonsense! I instantly plunged into the water; swam out with the over-hand stroke, for which I am famous, and reached one of the ladies and brought her safe to the shore. I plunged in again and swam out once more. END With the same underhanded stroke that you touch with ? MID (Not noticing him.) I swam thus: (Illustrates the motion and becomes excited and dramatic. ) I reached another lady and brought her safe to the beach. Then, sir, I plunged in again (everybody excited) swam out to what I supposed was another drowning woman. I reached out and grasped what ? A lady's switch ! But I brought it ashore and presented it to the woman who had lost it. END And you call yourself a life-saver ? You're not a hero nor a life-saver. MID What am I? END You're a hair restorer. THE NEW HOTEL. RULES AND REGULATIONS END If you're ever hungry and sleepy, come down to my new hotel. I'll treat you all right. MID So you've opened a hotel, have you ? Are you doing well ? END As well as could be expected I have a set of rules and regulations, or I could never run it at all. Would you like to hear them ? MID I certainly would. END Here they are: (reads from paper.) ATTENTION, BOARDERS, STRANGERS AND GUESTS. Board, 50 cents per square foot ; meals extra . Breakfast at five, Dinner at six and Supper at seven. Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter. Guests wishing to get up without being called, can have self raising flour for Supper or a pint of yeast to rise earlier. Not responsible for diamonds, bicycles or trunks left under the pillows. Leave them with the landlord. The hotel is convenient to all cemeteries. Hearses to hire at 25 cents a day. Guests wishing to do a little driving will find a hammer and nails in the closet. If the room gets too warm open the window and see the fire escape. If you're fond of athletics and like good jumping, lift the mattress and see the bed spring. Baseballists desiring a little practice will find a pitcher on the stand. If the lamp goes out, take a feather out of the pilloiu ; that's light enough for any room. Anyone troubled with night-mare will find a halter on the bed-post. Don't worry about paying your bill ; the house is supported by its foundations. We do not ring a bell for breakfast, we wring a towel or let the napkin ring. If you find anything valuable in the soup, please return it to the landlord, so he can use it again. Eggs, two cents for two ; each, if hatched, one cent extra. 78 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. If you wish to see gaudy insects fluttering in your room to remind you of summer, get some bread and butter. It is the grub that makes the butter-fly. Rooms, with or without floors, walls or ceiling. At the table if you wish the milk, don't yell pass the cow ; somebody will take you for a calf. If you are from (local town), blow out the gas. You don't know any better. A DIFFICULT PROBLEM. END I was working on the farm la^t summer and a dude came up to me and wanted to be funny. He says: " Boy ! bring me a ' milk shake ' quick." MIDDLE What did you do? END I brought him the churn ! That was a milk shake Are you married ? MID No, sir; and don't intend to be. Marriage, sir, is just like a lottery. END Oh, I don't know ; you don't have to keep 4he^'lottery ticket. I don't think I'll get married either. My young lady and I jure, out. I had a tandem and she wouldn't ride on the front seat. MID Why not ? END She said it looked too forward. How funny life turns out ; it's full of " izes." MID Full of "izes? " I don't quite understand you. END Then I'll "illustrasize" it for you. At twenty a man tlicorizes; at forty he philosophers; at sixty he realizes ; also, at twenty he scrutinizes all the girls ; at twenty-two he idolizes some other fellow's sister ; at twenty-six he jeopardizes his neck by staying out late; at twenty-seven he paralizes himself if he has the price. So, you see, life is full of 'izes.' Are you good at figures and problems ? MID Yes ; I am counted quite clever. END Take out your paper and pencil and figure this out for me. ( Middle with pencil and card.) Now then, a man of thirty-five years old marries a girl of five. MID Five years old? Nonsense ! END Put it down. A man of thirty- five marries a girl of five. He is now five times as old as his wife. MID Yes ; seven times five are thirty-five. END They live together five years; now he is forty and she is ten years old, and he's only four times as old as his wife. MID Ten times four are forty; go on ! END They live together five years longer. Now he's forty-five and she's fifteen. Now he's only three times as old as his wife. MID Yes, sir. Go on; you've got me interested. END They live together fifteen years longer; put that down. Now he is sixty years old and his wife is thirty years of age. Now he's only twice as old as his wife. MID (Anxiously.) Yes, yes; go on ! He's now only twice as o'd as his wife. END Now figure it all up and tell me how long they have got to lire together until they're both of the same age ? (Middle completely floored and End triumphantly laughs and looks at audience. ) BON VOYAGE. END-- What business r.rj ^ou in? I saw you taking a lot of old tin cans into a grocery store. MID I'm in the canning business canning pears, peaches and tomatoes. END Is that so? I'm in the wholesale dry goods business. So you're in the canning business, are you? What do you do with such a whole lot of pears and peaches ? THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 79 MID Well, we eat what we can, and what we can't eat we can. (L,augbs at his witty retort.) END "Thoughtfully.) Eat what you can, and what you can't eat you can! Just like my business. MID How? END We sell an order when \vc can sell it and when we can't sell it, why, we can-eel it. (Laughs derisively. > E it wliat you can, and what you can't eat you (an! You? re a can-can kind of a chump, you are. MID I heard that you went to Europe last summer. Did you have a bon voyage / .Strong French accent. ) END The bumincst you ever saw. MID I mea-i was it exhilara'ing? END No ! r went in the stccragi . MID You don't quite comprehend me. Did you have a bon voyage? END I tell you it was very bum all the way over. MID "Bon voyage" means a good trip, a splendid voyage. Friends will stand on the wharf and as you sail awav they will wish you a bon voyage. END That's what you mean, is it? Well, I never want to see such a trip again. The first day out, it was splendid. Everybody was on deck. The ladies swapping magazines' ; the men swapping cigars and chews of tobacco. It was a a happy family, and all were on the best of terms. But the third day ! (Makes a motion with hands and a grimace of pain shows on face. ) The third day ! The ship turned a somersault. O'.i, but it was rough and stormy ! All the passengers would come upon deck and look at one another kind of suspicious like. They didn't trust one another or care to be friendly. It seemed that if they knew any- thing about one another, they'd throw it up right away. I was down in my cell MID Not cell, state-room. END Yes ; I'm getting the tips mixed. I was very sick. I was just able to crawl on deck and holler " New York " and "Europe" in a subdued manner. Talk about your bunt voyage. It was worse than that. Everybody was sick. The captain and even all the sailors were sick. I felt sorry for one poor sailor. Oh ! he was the sickest sick sailor on the ship, and I felt sorry for him on this bum voyage . MID (Correctingly.) How do you know he was the sickest man on the hip ? END Because the captain ordered him to go forward and heave up the Mchort Section UTL MONOLOGUES. In this section will be found many novel monologues, etc., yet the monologuist is not confined to them, as the gags and cross-fires in Section VI. contain many bright anecdotes and squibs which can be made to become part and parcel of an original monologue. By recalling a number of these short happenings, the story-teller will be able to construct any number of monologues upon varied subjects. The in- ventive entertainer can easily arrange some original patter that will consistently lead from one subject to another, and as mono- loguists have a wide license in the selecting of their topics or chatter he will find abundant material in Sections VI. and VII. for his use. ARE WOMEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN MEN? A MONOLOGUE. I have been asked to come here before this assemblage of graduates, learned people, bond holders and the sheriff, who is concealed somewhere in the building, to take up a knotty problem. I know that I shall get myself disliked by the men and I shall be hated by the women, but the truth is mighty and must prevail, and my maiden name is Truth. The subject is, "Are women more beautiful than men ?' I want you to take a good look at me and then ask such a silly question; yet, it is a question agitating many minds and must be sifted at once. Are women more beautiful than men ? Do men stand admiring themselves or combing their hair for hours at a time ? Rubbing rouge on their faces; salve on their lips? Penciling their eyebrows and blackening their eyelashes; do they? I've seen them black each others eyes, but that was done when they didn't expect it. Do men lace themselves so tight that they can't sit down ? They get tight, I'll admit, and can't stand up, or get up, but that's not through lacing. Its through fullness, that has been accumulated in several places. You ask, " Is man more beautiful than woman !" Go to the menagerie ; look around you ! The lioness is a very plain-looking animal. Look at the Lion. A noble- looking fellow, with a mane and a superior look in his face. Take a look at the Peacock's wife. A plain ordi- nary looking affair ; but he, the gentleman, the Peacock ! Isn't he a beauty ? Isn't he a dream ? Talk of loveliness ! Then look at the bird of Paradise, gorgeous plumage and lovely feathers on his head. He's a he too ! His wife looks like thirty cents. Then look at the majestic Rooster in the barn yard ! What a dis- play of beautiful manhood and elegance. What does the hen look like? She's a sight ! She's going around in a wrapper, scratching here and there, and talking ; back-biting her neighbors She looks up to her husband as a superior being, and she knows he is. She's thankful she's alive, for she's too homely to die. Look at the gentlemen- Ostrich ! See him strutting about, eating nails, horseshoes and scrap iron. There is a vision of manly beauty, and his wife, a little sawed-off, measly-looking bird, with hardly enough f eathe to make a bustle. Nothing THE WlTMARK MlNSTREIy GUIDE. 8 1 could be more handsome than a beautiful man ! Are you looking at Me / / I have taken the animals as an illustration and a proof. Now we come to the next generation of animals man ! Nobody wants to descend from monkeys, but sometimes we can't help that which our ancestors do, or were. I am not here to go back into my family tree and find out who cut up monkey-shines in it. We hear the gabbling of this one or that one, saying that woman, the beau- tiful creature, chooses her mate. And that often she marries a homely man ! In olden times man stole his wife. He'd dash right in, grab whoever he could and away he went. Now-a-days he wishes somebody would rush in and steal her from him, but they won't. There's where times have not improved. I said primitive man stole his wife; later on he bought her. He's given horses, sheep or furs to her parents, and thus bought her. Of course he was buncoed ; just as he is now- a-days. She didn't care about his looks as long as he had money and was soft and easy. In fact, what we call now-a-davs "a good thing." In the present century woman often buys a husband. All she gets in return is a title, a broken- down, moth-eaten bargain-counter duke or an earl. This shows that man is still the handsomest creature, or why would they go across the ocean after him and give him all that good American money just to get his name? There is no doubt that woman is very beautiful, artificially or accidentally, and they are called the^" fair sex " because they are always fair in dealing with the men, if the men are out of their reach. Their fancy colored silks, satins, false hair, manufactured cheeks and per-oxide of hydrogen, blond tresses, of course, give them additional charm, but we do not need these deceptions to increase our beauty. We do not sail under false colors. You see us just as we are. Our beauty speaks for itself, and we are the real dairy butter and not oleo-margerine. Are woman handsomer than men ? Ask this question of one another and look around you upon the natural beauty of the speaker and the gentlemen here assembled. An old English law states that any woman with false hair, false color on cheeks, defective eyesight, or in any way passing herself off as a beauty and natural looking woman ; and luring a poor man into marriage, why, it was a crime and the marriage was null and void. A fine law, a good law, but if that law was in force in this city, what a lot of old maids would be looking for work ! (Exits.) GOATS. A MONOLOGUE. I see that another wonderful medical discovery has been made which will give long life to the human race. Ages ago they sought for the elixir of life, so man could live for ever. Just think of a man who is about seventy taking the new dis- covery and he becoming a school boy at once. Cheating the undertaker and every- body who expects him to croak. Think of a giddy old maid of sixty, gulping down the elixir and sailing in, capturing all the men from the grass widows and young flirts This time the elixir of life has been discovered in goats, and in Chicago. The goat has a strong constitution and never dies; therefore, he is the very one to prolong life in the human race. Wherever goats are abundant, you will see eternal life and life blooming around you. This has been successfully tried in Chicago and it worked all right. They always work you all right in Chi- cago. This goat lymph or " Life cells " as is called, is a great thing for mankind. One dose of it will make a man butt his mother-in-law down stairs and eat up all the old tomato cans and posters off the wall, especially if they advertise a burlesque show. Any father can be harnessed to a little wagon and used as a "goat" to amuse children of a younger age. It has been tried and proven to be the real thing in Chicago. * But the experimenters, with commendable caution, first made up their minds to carry out the process known as 'trying it on the dog." A canine of fourteen years was made the recipient of these " Life cells " through the medium of hyperdermic injections. And lo! his doggish age was transformed into the live- liness of the frolicsome puppy. He capered. He barked joyously. He chased 82 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. his own tail in wild abandon. He chewed up all the rugs and old boots in reach with a keen appetite. And the disciples of science were satisfied that at length they had discovered a sure method to forestall the approach of age and turn tottering senility into the pulsing glow of youth. Several human beings have been inocu- lated with this wonderful lymph, and confident hopes are entertained that they will presently show themselves as responsive to its influence as the dog. If this proves to be the case, life insurance companies may go out of business and fhe doctors can pull in their shingles. Nobody will grow old or die. All that will be necessary to insure perpetual youth will be the ownership of a healthy goat, war- ranted not to butt. It is indeed a thrilling thought, and there will always be an explanation here- after of any erratic conduct on the part of Chicago's citizens. If any of their number should be arraigned before a Magistrate for too much hilarity he can repel the charge of intoxication with scorn . It will merely be a case of too much goat. FLIRTATION AND ITS CONSEQUENCES. A SHORT MONOLOGUE PREFACE. I have just a few words to say about flirting . Girls don't do it! Better remain get even by being of you. But remember you can't wear any of this (pointing to self) brother's clothes; he hasn't too many of 'em himself. Here is a little poem on flirting. Mark well the consequences. Man sees maid; no word said. She drops glove; he's in love. Hands to her, ' Thank you, sir." jhe says that. He lifts hat. They soon talk; then take walk. They have cream, love's young dream. Out with moon, how they spoon ! " Will you wed?" She nods head. They are tied. Life they've tried. Don't like it, just one bit. Knot's untied. 'Way they glide! WHAT IS A KISS? A MONOLOGUE. I spent the summer at a watering place. I had charge of it; that is to sa}*, I had to keep it filled with water so the horses and cows could drink out of it. My! but it was warm. I had to keep my mouth full of cracked ice to keep my teeth from melting. It was so hot that ice cream began to fry and boil the minute it was frozen I never saw such hot weather. I guess the thermometer must have been sixty degrees below (principal treet). But for all that I enjoyed myself court- ing. I can't help it; I'm so susceptible. Girls tell me I'm soft, but I don't believe it. I've got a confiding nature, and if they fool me I'm not to blame. But there I'd sit and court and we'd hold hands. What is nicer than to see a couple going along the street, he having her by the hand? He takes her by the hand; and if he's married, when he gets home, he takes her by the neck. As I said before, we'd court and I'd stay late. I would have stayed later but I was afraid her father would kick. Her father called me a soda water man; that is the first time I ever knew I looked like n. squirt. He once threatened to turn the gas off; that would just suit me. We didn't need any light, for they say love is blind. To prove that love is blind or isn't blind, I was passing the parlor floor, where a young man was courting her sister, and it was quite dark in there I heard her say: "Oh George! you haven't been shaved to-day." How did she know he hadn't been shaved? THE WlTMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 83 I distinctly heard them kiss each other. It sounded like a cow drawing her foot out of the mud. It must have loosened all her back teeth. But what is a kiss ? Don't you know? A kiss is an application of two heads and four lips; they create a spark of electricity, which generates a blaze of love and a flame of admiration and a ' ' hot time ' ' in your heart ; which burns with the fires of Cupid. What is love ? Love is an itching of the heart, and you can't scratch it out. STUMP SPEECHES. WOMAN'S TONGUE. THIS CAN ALSO BE USED FOR A MONOLOGUE. Fellow citizens, sceptics, Cubans and Filipinos: I have been called upon to address this assemblage, and I may as well commence by beginning . Now, we hear of strikes every now and then, but strikes are no new things. Cain's strike was a bad thing for both Abel and Cain. A blacksmith once struck " while the iron was hot" and people have been talking about it ever since. George Wash- ington went on a strike in 1776, and he won it without any arbitration. No man ever succeeded in a strike against his mother-in-law, or striking for pie. Having begun with strikes, I'll now strike into my subject. My dear hearers, there's nothing destroys so many lives, as death. Some people are killed by accident, and some in battle ; some are lost at sea and some are devoured by wild beasts ; but, my hearers, it is a solemn truth, that nothing kills so many as death. Aye, death has been at work ever since sin entered the world, and has destroyed mil- lions on millions of the human family. Lots of people died this year who never died before. In view of all this and hotel fires, I have pasted the following hotel regulations in my boarding house : Guests jumping from fifth-story windows will be charged extra. In the office of the hotel is a large fire-proof safe ; the propri- etor will not be liable for any guest who does not deposit himself in it for the night. Fire-pumps, served in the rooms, charged extra. But that is neither here nor there. I started in to address this assemblage on the crisis and expansion of territory, on imperialism and the board of strategy in general. To show you the memory "ahcTTapidity~~of the American people, I will relate the following: A Delaware farmer sent his ten-year old boy to the spring after a pitcher of water. The boy hid the pitcher near the spring and went away to the West and grew up with the country. Fifteen years later he sold a thousand long-horned steers and started for his old home. Stopping at the spring he found the pitcher just as he had left it when he went away mad. He filled it, and walking beneath the par- ental roof like the prodigal from Squedunk said : " Father, here is the pitcher of water." " Thanks, my son," said the thirsty ancestor, " you always were a quick boy to go on an errand." Now, always remember that woman's tongue is her sword, and she never lets it rust in the scabbard. What does man want ? All he can get. What does a woman want? All she can^t get. Once a Boston woman, tall, thin, \vith false curls and sour visage, sat in a restaurant and beside her sat her husband, a meek, demure-looking man. Presently a man at another table roared out: "Waiter! fetch the vinegar bottle.'' Then the little man turned to his wife and said: " Dovey, somebody wants you." Now see the difference. A man in New York was arrested for trying to set his wife on fire. That's the meanest way a man can take to make it warm for his wife. Another young lady who was being treated to ice cream for the first time, was asked by her young man how she liked it. She fny> : "It tastes very good, but I alwav; prefer my pudding hot " She was from 'local town near by.) Now the meanest way a girl can treat a young man is to refuse his offer of marriage, writing it to him on a postal card. It shows she 84 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. does not care two cents for him. A girl who was locked in her sweetheart's arms for nearly two hours says it wasn't her fault. She says he forgot the combination. But that is neither here nor there. This is the age of cheapness and economy. For ten cents a man can get his shirt washed or a drink of whiskey. That accounts for so many dirty shirts worn in this town. But I want to say right here, that this is the age of progress, invention. " go-ahead ac-tive-ness, " electricity and mech- anism. You can do anything. You can stop Niagara Falls with a few planks, you can dip up the Atlantic with a teaspoon, you can hold yourself out at arm's length, you may flit from star to star or from Pole to Pole. From North Pole to barber pole, from satellite to Israelite. You may lasso a comet or ride bareback on a melting rain-bow, you may harness a wild tornado or capture a blizzard in a pill box, you can pull down the sun and squeeze the moon into a potato bag, you can put out the fires of Mount Vesuvius with a cup of water, but you'll never put a stop to woman's tongue ! (Strikes table with umbrella and exits). THE MOUSE. STUMP SPEECH FOR I,ADIES. I/adies ! I again exclaim, ladies ! Your attention, please, as I am speaking to you only, and not that which is seated beside you. The men are not in this, and I am not addressing them either. They are too insignificant to be noticed by me. I won't even address them as men, but I'll call them, it or that or those, and you' woman' your rights walk on it's neck until it shouts as did Spain: "I surrender ! " Be masters, be your own conquerors and hold the insect called "man " in the chains of obedience. L/et him know that we are the real people, and he is but a yellow dog under the band wagon . Let us look around and see what has been accomplished ? What have we done for ourselves ? Have we done man sufficiently ? Of what use is he ? Can anyone tell me what he was created for ? Where does he come in ? Of course somebody has got to pay our board. Somebody has got to pay for our new dresses, bonnets, jewelry, ice cream, candy, suppers, theatres and excursions. That is why man was put upon this earth. All evils have their uses, all animals, no matter how venomous are here for a purpose. Man was placed here for a rug for us to wipe our feet upon. Will you tell me of what use it is besides this? (Pause.) Speak out! What are you afraid of? If you lose the fellow you've got here to night, you can get a dozen more to-morrow ! The idiots are waiting to be gathered up ! To see the important airs assumed by a man is enough to give a progressive woman a fit, or a spasm, or the chills and fever He thinks we're crazy after him, the fool ! He allows us to sit on his lap until his limbs are dead from his knees down. Then later, after he has coaxed us to marry him and we sit on his lap he says: "Oh, Gertrude, you are so heavy." Couldn't you slap his face? I could. And when he's courting us, hear the lies he tells us, and we, like chumps, believe every word There is where we are weak. Sisters, we have got to shake this ungrateful monster called man. You can get along without it, if you'll only try. It doesn't cut any ice. It tries to blame everything on us. After it is married to us and it stays out late and we reprimand it about it, with a poker or a flat iron, it says it's our fault that it stays out late. That when he was courting us and he'd start to go home, we'd say: "Don't go yet; you've got plenty of time," and we'd hold him at the front door. Of course it's a base fab- rication. I never held anyone there. When he wanted to go, I'd sit on him quick, and he couldn't go. Did you ever hear such a petty larceny excuse in all your life? We taught him to stay out late.* And now that he's married, he can't break himself of the habit. Girls, break his head with a nice fat rolling-pin. And hit him on top of his thinking place. Don't be afraid to hit him hard. You'll look sweet dressed in black, and maybe you'll get his life insurance, too. THE WlTMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. / - 85 But I am here to better your condition, to elevate you, to obtain for you your rights. You have as many rights as a man. Be sure you get your rights; forcibly if you must, but get them any way. The cunning wretches take mighty good c?.re that we take their names; nobody else would, I guess. We take their names! It ought to be reversed. They ought to take our names, for sometimes every- thing a man has got is in his wife's name. Are you going to stand his tyranny ? Are you going to be under man's foot all your lives? Assert yourself ! As you are going home to-night, and he like a viper, whispers in your ear : "Will you have some ice cream, dear ? " Turn on him ! Let indignation flash from your eyes, and hiss at him : "No ! I can buy my own ice cream." But will you do it? Will you rebuke him ? Those girls in the audience who will rebuke him thus, please stand up ! (Pause, then louder.) I say, those who will not have ice cream front any man, stand up! That'll do; sit down. Nobody stood up. You're afraid to lose a good thing, von 're afraid the poor, mushy, soft fool at your side would leave you. You couidu t club linn away. He s a leech, a sucking-plaster* a necessary evil in tne ice cretin line, i stand. Here, boid and. ueuct^L, ana like Ajax defying the lightning. I hurl my abuse at the men. Here I stand like the rock of Gibraltar. Not ten millions of hated men could make me move. from my position. Like dirt under my feet, I spurn them ; bid them come on ! I'll show you what one brave woman can do. One brave woman whom man can never intimidate, one brave woman (suddenly screams.) Oh, a mouse, a mouse! (Gathers up skirts and dashes off stage yelling : Police! Help me! Can show part of funny pantalettes in hurried exit ). MARK ANTHONY'S ORATION. HUMOROUS Sl'KlX'H. Friends, Romans, Countrymen ! Lend me your ears. I will return them next Saturday. I come to bury Caesar because the times are hard and his folks can't afford to hire an undertaker. The evil that men do lives after them, in the shape of progeny, who reap the benefit of their life insurance. Brutus has told you Caesar was ambitious. What does Brutus know about it? It is none of his funeral. Would that it were. Here under leave of you I come to make a speech at Caesar's funeral. He was my friend, faithful and just to me. He loaned me $5 once, when I was in a pinch and signed my petition for a post office. But Brutus says he was ambitious. Brutus should wipe off his chin. Caesar hath brought many captives home to Rome, who broke rock on the streets, until their ransoms did the gen- eral coffers fill. When the poor hath cried Caesar hath wept, because it didn't cost him anything, and it made him solid with the gang. Ambition should be made of sterner stuff, yet Brutus says he was ambitious. Brutus is a liar, and I can prove it. You all did see that on the Bowery I thrice presented him with a kingly crown, which he did thrice refuse, because it did not fit him quite. Was this am- bition ? Yet Brutus says he was ambitious. Brutus is not only the biggest liar in the country, but he is a horse thief of the deepest dye. If you have any tears prepare to shed them now. You all do know this ulster. I remember the first time Caesar put it on ; it was on a summer's evening in his tent, with the ther- mometer registering 90 in the shade. But it was an ulster to be proud of and cost him $7 at (local clothing store) sign of the red flag The old man wanted $40 for it, but finally came down to $7 because it was Caesar. Was this ambition ? If Brutus says it was he's a greater liar than Aguinaldo. Look ! In this place, ran Cassius' dagger through. Through this place, the son-of-a-gun of a Brutus stabbed ; and when he drew his cursed steel away, mark how the blood of Caesar followed it. I came not, friends, to steal away your hearts. I'm not the thief Brutus is. He has a monopoly on all that canned beef business, and if he had. his deserts, he would 1-e in the penitentiary, and don't you forget it, for life ! Kind friends, sweet friends ! I do not wish to stir you up to such a flood of mutiny, nor do I want you to go back on Brutus, David Hill, Grover Cleveland, Tom Platt or THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. any of the senators. I merely want you to step on Brutus' neck and keep your feet on it for a week. As it looks like rain the pall bearers will place the coffin in the "Bier" wagon and will proceed to bury Caesar in (local cheap hotel.) (Points off and e.rits}. HOW ADAM AND EVE TURNED WHITE. A DARKEY'S SERMON TO HIS CONGREGATION. To be delivered in a slow-loud tremulous voice. I' black as you and Eve, sot'em in de Garden ob Edem, dat de Lawd he tol' em bofe dat dar was a sartin tree dar and dat dey musn't eat none of eet's fruit. Dis tree, it 'pears to ine, if I don't disremember, eet bared a kind 'er apple. You know same as me, dat a woman 's a powerful curus pusson. She allus like to be a-peekin' and a pryin' into something or other no matter whether it consarns her or not. Ole Miss Eve dat dar was oleman Adam's wife she warnt to be stopped from nothin'. 'Twant long afore she knowed dat de Lawd didn't want her to meddle wif dem np'xes dat she went and made a pie and sort er bobbecued some of the Lawd's apples. She did this, for truth. 'Twant no yarn dat some of de mean white folks have brung agin ole Miss Eve. She sartinly did get de Lawd's apples. When datole woman don got 'em, sure enough, de Lawd he war monstrous mad. He put all de blame on ole Adam, 'cause de Lawd he sorter think dat ole man Adam oughter have took better care of ole Miss Eve dan to 'low her to bobbecue de Lawd's apples. When de pair of 'em had done eat de apples dey crope off and hid in de bushes. Dey war so scared of de Lawd, dat scared ain't no name for de business. Dey war so scared dat dey turned deef and den dey turned white Dey neber did 'zactly git over their scare. Dey did git to hearin' ag'in, but their skins never did get colored no more, and dat am how de white man come here. He's white because of de meanness of ole man Adam and ole Miss Eve. But let me go on wif my history. When deLawd done found out dat dese ole pussons had done eat some of his apples, he war monstrous mad. He yell out: "Yo' Adam!" but 'pears Mr. Adam he didn't hear. Den de Lawd ses, ses he: " Adam, why yo' eat my apples, sah? Is you so deef you can't hear nuffin', or is you gone foolish, sah ? You go right away and bring Miss Eve here, sah; gyarments or no gyarments!" My friends, you mought say dat ar war powerful bad manners of de Lawd. But den de Lawd ain't agawine to be fooled with. When He's plum mad he don't spar' no one. Bime-by up crope ole Miss Eve walkin' sorter behind ole man Adam, and kind of giggling and peeking over de ole man's shoulder. When dey done come up to de Lawd, de Lawd he ses, ses he: " You's both a par of no count triflin niggers. You done stole my apples, and you's fixin' to git my chickens jiext. Git outer dis garden bofe of you, and never nc6me~b3c~kr-here-jio more for nuthin', not even for your gyarments. Git out from here quick." Den de Lawd showed 'em de gate, and give de ole debil de job ter watch dat gate, to see dat neider Miss Eve nor Mr. Adam come in dar no more. And Miss Eve, she was forced to sit in de bushes outside dat gate, 't'well Mr. Adam, he done made 'em some new gyarments. And while Mr. Adam, he sewed, Miss Eve she sang dat good ole hymn: " I Loves to steal awhile." And dat, my friends, am de trufe of de trouble what ole man Adam had wif de Lawd, and de history of how de white man come here. Bofe Miss Eve and Mr. Adam dey war so scared dat dey never got back their color no more. Some of their young' uns war black and some war white, most same as you often see an ole white hen with a hull gang of chickens, some white and some black. Don't fool with de Lawd, my friends, else he'll scare you so bad dat you'll be arunnin' around looking foolish, jest same as de mean white trash. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 87 CONUNDRUMS. ESPECIALLY ARRANGED FOR LADIES AND JUVENILE MINSTRELS. In telling these the End man asks the question, the Middle man responds: "I do not know," and repeats the question, which is answered by the End man. (Example): END" If your sister fell in a well, why couldn't you rescue her?" MIDDLE "I don't know. If my sister fell in a well, why couldn't I rescue her?" END " Because you could not be her brother and a-ssist her too." What reptile is up in arithmetic ? The adder. When is the army like a tuck in a lady's skirt ? When it is hemmed in. Why should a man never be trusted for a hat? Because he is then over head and ears in debt. When is an old maid like a segar ? When you have no match for it. When is a loaf of bread inhabited? When there's Indian meal in it. When does a man impose on himself ? When he taxes his memory. What word is pronounced wrong by the best scholars ? Wrong of course. Why are old maids the most charming of all people? Because they are matchless. Why is the polka like bitter beer? Because there are so many hops in it. Why is an angry man like a camel ? Because he's got his back up. Why is the letter (i P " like a sympathizing friend? Because it's the first in pity, but the last in help. Why is the sofa your father is sitting upon like most railway stock ? Because it is below pa. (Par.) What's the hardest thing to beat ? A hard boiled egg. Why are apples the enemies of pears ? Because it was an apple that drove a pair out of the Garden of Eden. Why did Eve swear when Adam asked to kiss her? Because she replied, I don't care A-dam if I do. If Satan should lose his tail where would he find another? Where they re-tail bad spirits. Why was Noah the first base ball player ? Because he sent the dove " out on the fly." SS THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Why was it useless to take the dogs into the Ark at the time of the flood f Because they had barks of their own. What paper has the largest circulation in the world ? Paper of tobacco ! Who is the editor ? Anybody that chews ! When does a farmer double a sheep without hurting it? When is a shoemaker like a doctor? When he is heeling. Why is a butcher's cart like his boots ? Because he carries his caiics When are potatoes used for mending clothes? When they are put in patches. Why are lawyers like fishes ? Because they are fond of de-bate. Why are troubles like babies ? Because they grow bigger by nursing. How can you make people acknowledge their corn ? Tread on their toes. Why is a minister like a locomotive ? Because we look out for him when the bell rings. Why should a bachelor never be a president of the United States r Because he doesn't believe in union. How can you avoid drowning ? Always keep your head above water. Why is a new-born baby like a cow's tail ? Because it was never seen before. What is a mother-in-law ? She is the person who attends to the pickles and preserves the family sweet- icats and matrimonial jars. Which islands are good to eat ? The Sandwich Islands. What would be the most suitable watch for a farmer ? An eighteen carrot silver turnip. Why do the ladies hate parrots ? Because they want to do all the talking themselves. What is the funniest burglary on record ? Bursting into P laugh. Why does a duck go under water ? For divers reasons. What ought a steamboat captain give to a big rascal ? Give him a wide bci'th. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 89 Why are some of the bills in Congress counterfeits ? Because they have such difficulty in passing them. How can you cheat the enemy in battle? Charge them with cavalry which they never get. If two fat men fall out of a third story window, what kind of a vegetable can you raise ? Two large squashes. What will make a pensive husband ? An expensive wife. What is always ready but never wanted ? Old maids. Why is a palm tree like an almanac ? Because it furnishes dates. How does a ghost enter a room that is locked ? He uses a skeleton key. When is a whip most likely to break ? When it is cracked. Why is the fair sex in winter suspected of a tendency to homicide ? Because they are fond of sleighing. Why is a henpecked husband like an opera hat ? Because he's big when he gets out, but shuts up when he gets home. What's the difference between a novel and a painted damsel ? One is read because it is interesting, the other is interesting because it is red. When a man falls out of window what does he fall against ? He falls against his will. Why is an author the most peculiar of animals ? Because the tale comes out of his head. Why do ladies make bad telegraph operators ? Because you can't prevent them from having the last word. Why is a chair-maker very much disliked ? Because people get down on his works. Why do old maids make the best euchre players ? Because they are used to going alone. What's the earliest Spring ? Jumping out of bed at one o'clock in the morning When is a ship at sea not on the water ? When she is on fire. What can a man have in his pocket when it's empty? A big hole. Who are the acrobats in every household ? The pitcher and the tumbler. What length ought a lady's petticoat be? A little above two feet. 90 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. xn what three countries are most books bound ? Morocco, Turkey and Russia. What ladies light up well at night ? Those with lantern jaws. When are soldiers like good flannels ? When they don't shrink. Why is an old coat like an iron kettle ? Because it represents hard ware. (Wear. ) What's the difference between a mischievous mouse and a charming young lady? One harms the cheese and the other charms the hes. If I were to take an axe and knock your teeth down your throat, why would you forgive me for it ? Because it was axe-i-dental. Why are bachelors like criminals ? Because they hate to go to court. Why is a solar eclipse like a woman beating her boy ? Because it is a hiding of the son. (Sun.) Why is a lady without any friends unable to smoke if she wanted to ? Because she hasn't got any to-back her. Why is a pawnbroker like a confirmed drunkard ? Because he takes Out pledge, but cannot always keep it. Why is a hog the most extraordinary animal in creation ? Because you first kill him and then you cure him . Why did Adam bite the apple ? Because he had no knife to cut it with . Why are ladies like bells ? Because you never find out their metal until you give them a ring. Why is a muff like a fool ? Because it holds a lady's hand without squeezing it. Why is an overloaded gun like an office-holder ? Because it kicks awfully when it is discharged. Which is the quickest way to destroy weeds ? Marry a widow. Why is it dangerous to walk in the woods in early spring ? Because the trees are shooting. What mechanic outlives all others? The shoemaker, for he is everlasting. Why are blacksmiths never satisfied with their pay ? Because they are always striking for wages. When is a man thinner than a shingle ? When he's a shaving. Why are good husbands like dough ? Because the ladies knead them. THE WlTMARK MlNSTREl, GUIDE. When are soldiers covered with tar ? When they engage in a pitch battle. Which is the greatest organ in the world ? The organ of speech in a woman, for it is an organ without stops. What is it that has a mouth and never speaks, has a bed and never sleeps? A river. When did Adam first use a walking stick ? When Eve presented him with a cane. ( Cain. ) Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies ? Because they want carrying out. With what colors would you paint a storm at sea ? The waves rose and the winds blew Which lady is never dry ? The lady with a cataract in her eye, a creek in her back ; forty springs in her skirt; high tied shoes; swimming in tears; with a single (n}otwn in her mind and a big waterfall on her head. What dress should a lady have to keep the rest of her wardrobe clean ? A lawn dress. (Laundress.) Why is a keg of beer like a shoe ? Because it must be tapped before it is soled. Why is a confirmed drunkard like a vain young lady ? Because neither is satisfied with moderate use of the glass. Why is man with a bad cold like a chest ? Because he is a coffer. (Cougher ) Why is a philanthropist like a good old horse ? Because he stops at the sound of woe. Why are crows the noisiest birds we know of ? Because they "carry on " so over a dead animal. Which is the largest jewel in the world ? The Emerald Isle. Why are policemen always gloomy and sad ? Because they look blue. Why are printers very great drinkers? Because they are always "setting 'em up again." Why do ladies have to get new dresses so often ? Because they are worn out as soon as they get them. What animal is most to be pitied ? A turtle; because it's always in a hard case. Why is a doctor like an auctioneer ? Because the articles he handles are continually going, going, going. Why is a dog biting his tail like a good economist ? Because he makes both ends meet. Why are auctioneers the strongest men ? Because they can knock down a house at a single blow. 92 THE WlTMARK MlNSTRKIv GUIDE. Why is a bankrupt like a clock ? Because he must either stop or go on tick. When is a ship like a manufacturer of wines ? When she's making Port. When can iron be made into sausages ? When its Pig-iron. What part of a ship is like a farmer? The Tiller. When does a man sneeze three times? When he can't help it. What is the first thing a young lady looks for in church ? The Hymns (hims). Why is Ireland like a bottle of wine ready for sale ? Because it has got a Cork in it. When is iron like a bank note ? When it is forged. What day in the year is a command to go ahead ? March 4th (Forth.) Why are chimney-sweeps satisfied with their business? Because it soots them. In what ship have the greatest number of men been wrecked ? Courtship. Wli^n is a tired man like a thief ? When he needs a resting. What is the difference between a fisherman and a truant schoolboy ? One bates his hook and the other hates his book When does a bullet resemble a sheep ? When it grazes. What's the best thing out for real comfort? An aching tooth. What is the greatest case of cannibalism on record ? When a rash man ate a rasher. Why is a fountain like the Prince of Wales ? Because one is thrown in the air and the other is heir to the throng. Spell mouse-trap with three letters ? C-A-T. Who sounded the first bell ? Cain when he hit A del. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 93 SQUIBS, ETC. FUNNY BITS TO BE ADDED TO MONOLOGUES OR SPEECHES. For economy's sake I went into partnership with a friend. We had a room together. He bought a stove and I paid a mason to make a hole in the wall. We finally fell out and dissolved partnership. He took what belonged to him and I took what belonged to me. He took the stove and left me the hole in the wall. saw suits She , she leplied: " I meant business." " Man wants but little here below," and he generally gets it where I am boarding at present. ( Out West, when they marry a couple, the Justice of the Peace doesn't waste time with a lot of silly questions. He just says : "Arise! Grab hands! Hitched!" Hands over six dollars to the Court, and you're murdered for life ! Some people say that dark-haired women marry first. I differ with them . It's the light-headed ones. There is about as much satisfaction kissing through a telephone as there is eating soup with a fork. I like electricity fresh from the battery. A scientific writer says that kissing is delightful because the jaws are so full of nerves. After a man gets married, he sort of wishes nature hadn't put so many nerves into the jaws. There is a woman in Philadelphia who thinks so much of her husband that she commences warming him the moment he conies into the house. Take my advice. Marry for love and not for money. That's the way to fill the Poor House A drunkard lying on the sidewalk being discovered by a policeman said he was studving astronomy because he was thirsty. He said he was looking for the Dipper. A LITTLK GIRL'S COMPOSITION ON EGGS. A RECITATION IN CHILD TALK. Thair is a good menny kinds ov aigs. Mi pa sez ime a bad aig, but momma sez yu can't most always beleve what pa sez, an' i think this is a goorl chance for me tuoba mi muther, az the Sundy skule teecher sez little gurls must du. Mebbe i am a bad aig, but mi pa is a ole rewster, fur Tommie Jones, that's mi bo, sez he is, an ide beleve Tommie if i dide fur it. It's mity funny how gurls beleves whot the boys sez. Wimmin duzent beleve that wa ennyhow, all ov them don't after tha air marryd, fur i here momma expressin her douts tu pa verry frequent indede When aigs gits old tha carry a offul smel with them whairever tha go an tha go a long wais in most familys. c Evvery kind ov fowl lais aigs. Jo, that's mi bruther, sed the fowels the basebal players nox don't, but i say tha du, fur i here the boys tawkin all the time about givin thother side " guse aigs," an' if the fowels don't la' em, what duz, ide like tu no? Mebbe the bats, but whuevver heard of bat's aigs ? Bats fit like uther burds, but a bat ain't a burd an' don't la' aigs A guse aig iz the largest domestik aig an' a duk aig iz grene onto the shel. Hen aigs iz nice tu fri, an hatch little chickens out ov, an oysterich aig iz az big 94 THE WITMARK MINSTREI, GUIDE. az a gallon buckit, bu it don't hav a ball onto it an hoops. Al fethered animals iz hatched out ov aigs excep' allygaters an' tertuls an, thoas kind ov trash. Mi sisterz bo woar allygaiter butes thother nite, an when i ast him whot he pade fur them he blusht red an' sed he didn't remember. I wunder if he pade fur them a tall. I gess he's a bag aig. I here pa sa he's going to crak his shel if he don't sta way an' let mi sister aloan. POEMS. TO BEGIN OR INTRODUCE IN GAG. "Ouch, I,ucy !" I howled, " You love me no more. You've never wore pins In your belt before." Although athletic girls are strong And run and jump and row ; A girl who never trained at all Can draw a six-foot beau. Once more the cranks are filled with glee, Their hearts with joy are aflame. Where'er you fly, you'll hear the cry, " The (local) ball club have won a game." The stories of the kissing bug Aroused in her no fears, For she a maiden lady was Of forty some odd years. 'Twixt a blonde and brunette I've a call To declare upon whom choice would fall, But between you and me, I've no choice for you see I'm in love bless their hearts with them all. Kate Karney 011 a summer's day Went out in the meadow to rake the hay ; She wasn't afraid of the bumble bee, For her bloomers were tied below the knee. Husband comes home at night, Get's a kiss that's all right ; Playful wife on his knee, Gayly chatting, waiting tea. Sudden start, and a stare. On his coat she sees a hair; Hair is red hers is black Regular row. for talking back. Husband goes out, mad as a bull, When he comes back, he's " boiling full." A little bag. a pair of skates Hole in the ice Golden gates. When the pug dog sits in Edith's chair, Oh, don't I wish that I was there ; When her fingers pat his head, Oh, don't I wish 'twere mine instead When her arms his neck imprison, Don't I wish my neck were AzVw, But, when she kisses that pug dog's nose, Oh. don't I wish that mine were those. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. MAUD MULLER AT 1HE MATINEE. A RECITATION ON "HATS." Maud Muller on a winter's day Went forth unto the matinee. With twinkling eyes and rougish smile She sauntered down the centre aisle. She sauntered down, and then she sat Beneath the biggest kind of hat. I sauntered down the aisle and sat Behind her continent of hat . Then, with her hattish hemisphere, Maud sweetly raked the atmosphere. I, being five feet three, sat there And gazed upon Maud Muller's hair. The people all around agreed The play was very fine indeed. Maud's hat with sweet excitement swayed With what the players said and played. In its wild bobbing here and there I read joy pleasure, grief, despair. When Maud's hat trembled in affright, I knew the villain was in sight. And when it wobbled through the air, I knew the funny man was there. And when that hat with tremblings bobbed, Methought the hero-lady sobbed. At last I 'rose and went my way From out that weary matinee. Out to the street I made my way And paused a bit to sigh and say: "Of all sad words on earth, I ween, The saddest are these. ' I might have seen.' " And I pitied those men, who, like me, sat Right behind that woman's hat. HAMLET ON THE HASH HOUSE. To eat or not to eat, that's the question. Whether 'tis better on the whole to suffer The slurs and slaps of rambustuous waiters Or to take arms against the set of trollops, And, by shooting, end them ? To dine, to sup- No more ; and by a fast, to say we end The insults and the thousand usual shocks Who dine are heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To eat, to dine ; To sup, perchance to shoot aye, there's the rub I For by that shot what officers may come And drag us to the station house, Must give us pause. There's the respect That compels compliance with the law ; For who would bear the fare, the bolts and bars Life in the Tombs in Murderers' Row, The loss of liberty, the law's delay, The infamy of prison, and the lies Made up by rascally reporters, When he himself might his quietus make 96 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. By simply starving ? Who would farther bear The sneers and snubs of a slugging scamp, But that the dread of something more than words The trifler returns puzzles the will, And makes us rather bear our hungry lot Than fly to chop-rooms that we know not of ! MARY'S IvAMB ; IN BOSTON. AS RECITED BY A FOUR-YEAR-OLD BOSTON GIRL. Mary was the proprietress of a diminutive incipient sheep, Whose outer covering was as devoid of coloring as congealed atmospheric vapor, And to all localities to which Mary perambulated The young Southdown was sure to follow. It tagged to the dispensary of learning One diurnal section of time, Which was contrary to all precedent And excited the cachination of the Seminary attendants, When they perceived the presence of the young mutton at the establishment of instruction. Consequently the precepter expelled him from the interior ; But he continued to remain in the immediate vicinity And continued in the neighborhood without fretfulness, Until Mary once more became visible. (N. B. The reciter of the above puts on a pair of spectacles and imitates a precocious youngster of either sex, but very wise and intelligent for its years.) Section UTTI. A REPORTER'S DESCRIPTION OF A SOCIETY CAKE-WALK. REPRODUCED HERE AS A SUGGESTION FOR COSTUMES, PLACING OF JUDGES, ETC. "Jack," said the little girl in the bright green gown with peacock feathers in her hat ; " Jack, they're going to start. Now don't forget to take my hand when we get in front of the judges." " Trust me," returned Jack, a long young man in a frock coat, flaring collar and a heart-besprinkled shirt front. "The judge who sits in the middle ' 11 come right down if you give him one of those melting looks of yours." The girl in the green dress and peacock feathers was one of a long line of strangely costumed feminine figures. The long young man in a frock coat was one of another long line of similarly attired beings of the male persua- sion. The two lines were parallel arrangements of every color under heaven, and both lines wound about the large dining-room in the rear of the dancing floor at Manheim. The time was last evening. The occasion was the long-talked- of " cake-walk." Three hundred persons occupied chairs about the walls and in the balconies of the ball room, and beat time to the music of "L^ucinda's Sere- nade, ' ' and watched and waited for the big doors at the end of the room to open and disclose the walkers. Then the doors did open and the double line of walk- ers came up the room. The girl in red, with a small parasol, brought down the house with a passeul that would have done credit to Ivetty Lind. Her partner realized that he was stepping on a red-hot iron plate kept polishing the floor with red gaitered feet. A tall young woman, in a costume smacking of Spanish sympa- thies, executed a catch step that made a pair of very pretty slippers fairly twinkle. The gentleman who had the honor to be her escort jammed his pan-cake hat on his "guaranteed A i black curled head, " and suddenly developed an immense fondness for walking on his knees. Another black lady in snow white duck suit, devoted herself with manifest enjoyment to a promenade back and forth near the spectators, while inviting her escort to take her arm one moment and the next flaunting his advances. Another sprightly walker in a gown of alternate lemon and green panels, cast languishing glances at the men she passed, and made her partner despair with her continuous flirtations. Then on the arm of a slender gentleman, who seemed to take great relish in his role, came a small girl in green and yellow and orange, and pink and salmon and blue, and violet and red and lemon, and violet and cerise and lilac, and all other colors, except black and white. This young woman gave a combination Carinencita and Pitti Sing, of Mi- kado fame, and was evidently very proud of a much beflounced and beflowered underskirt, and everyone seemed just as interested in her performance as she was herself. But, for a matter of fact, there was no one on the floor in whom the spectators didn't seem to be interested. The gentleman with the punch bowl diamond threw its search-light rays over on a hundred faces, and in every one saw a friend and from whom everyone got an encore. The man with a canvas coat and top hat of white recognized some one he knew in every quarter of the room. The very elegant and tall "cullud " Adonis in tight black and white checkered trousers, with white spats and a cut-away coat was kept busy replying to the remarks with which amiable critics assailed him. The stoutest man who pre- served his gravity and also, much to everyone's surprise, the integrity of his 98 THE WITMARK MINSTREL CUIDK. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 99 exceedingly close-fitting garments, despite his gymnastic exercises, was bom- barded with queries as to how he did it. A willowy girl in a floating gown, which gave everyone the impression of a mantle of lilacs, found herself and her partner singled out again and again for a round of applause. And best of all seemed t^ be that everyone knew every one else and also called them for the most part by their first name, and freely offered of that large share of advice which those out of the game are so generous with when addressing those who are in the game. 'Round and 'round the room the sixteen couples in the walk proceeded, 'round to the stage where the three judges were seated on a raised dais, and again facing the gallery at the end of the room, whence bouquets and salvos of handclapping greeted them. Only the presence of so many sober-minded persons and the fact that the lights were'out of reach prevented a razor fight the invariable ending of a cake-walk. But, as it was, the affair resulted in a peaceable division of one half of the splendid edifice of frosted lady cake, and the presentation of the dec- orated half to the winners ; w r hile a pair of giant chickens were triumphantly borne off by the winners of second prize, and a handsome beribboned razor by the winners of the third prize. THE DARKTOWN SOCIETY CAKE-WALK. CAST: Representatives of Society. PERRY WINKLK, The Floor Manager and Drum Major. AMINADAB JOHNSON, SKUSE CRABAPPLE, MARSHMELLOW MUNSEV, SHAMPOO ORNDORFF, CHIROPODIST PKXCK, LAVALETTE HENDERSON. ZEMUEL BEASLKY, a Society Tough. BAKESHOP, a Pastry Cook. Miss ANODYNE SELTZER, the Leader of the " Set." Miss REBECCA RABBITFOOT, Beasley's Gal (best to be played by a Comedian}. Miss OLEANDER MASSET, 1 Miss LULU BATWING, Miss MAZY SPIVINS, Miss CENTIPEDE KIPLING, Cake- Walkers, Society Buds, Judges, Blue Bloods, etc., by rest of Company. SCENE Handsome Interior, Fancy Chamber, Full Stage. Aminadab Johnson and Skuse Crabapple discovered surrounded by a grotip of colored society folks, male and female. The dudes and ladies are dressed in the most ex- travagant costumes, of very showy colors and patterns. All affect very "society" manners in talk and deportment. John- son and Crabapple come down stage. JOHNSON. This will be the cream event of the season, and no one but the blue-blooded four hun- dred of Darktown will be allowed on the floor. CRAB. Nobpdyjthal_wjork& for a -living can be admitted Jtp our exclusive circles. JOHNSON. No, indeed ! The opaque and colored exotics cannot mingle with the sub-strata of Aminadab Johnson, miscellaneous humanity. Skuse Crabapple. 100 THE WlTMARK MlNSTREX GuiDK. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 101 CRAB. Well, I should exhale breezes from my lungs through my nostrils. Miss ANODYNE. Tell me, gentlemen ! Is that very ordinary colored person called Rebecca Rabbitfoot coming to this resplendency? JOHNSON. Not on her parsimonious. If she or her admirer ventures in here, they'll meet with some violent opposition. (Enter PERRY WINKLE, the Master of Ceremonies and Drum Major, L. i E. He is a very important personage, very airy and as if the entire affair depended upon him. Everybody greets him pleasantly and all shake hands. ) Miss Anodyne. PERRY. I'm glad to see you all. the crowd ! I don't s'pose there's a razor in No, indeedy ! This is society ! PERRY. That's right ! You don't need razors where there's good breeding. (All bozv.) And you don't need razors where I am. I'm as good as a regiment of razors. I don't like to throw bou- quets at myself, but when it comes to close quarters and fight- ing, you know me ! I've got Injun blood in me, and you know what that means ! JOHNSON. Yes, indeed ! You've got the name of being a very warm member, when it comes to slashing with a sharp blade. CRAB. You certainly wears a wreath of roses. PERRY (with pride}. You ain't a-flattering me one bit. I knows all my quali- ties and my record tells for itself ! When I steps in the middle Perry winkle of the floor, it means " give me room,'' and when I produce my battle-ax it means ' ' desolation and funerals. " ( All applaud. ) JOHNSON. As floor manager, you've got charge of this cake-walk. PERRY. I own everyone, body and soul. CRAB. We look to you that no one mingles with our set during the festivities. This is recherche in the extreme, and the ladies are under your protection. PERRY (bows}. The ladies have a protector in me. I love them all ! (Enter REBECCA RABBITFOOT and ZEMUEI, BEASLEY. REBEBCA is a fat, un- couth wench, and BEASLEY a tough specimen of a barber. He is smoking a long segar and acts very impudently . They enter L. i. E., strut to centre. Everybody falls back R. and L. in surprise. 102 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Beasley and Rebecca. BEASLEY (to Rebecca). We're just in time, and if anybody brings the cake home it's going to be you and me. (Each pointing- to self. Funny pose for both . ) JOHNSON (to Perry}. You'd better go over and inform them that this is a strictly private affair. PERRY (iveakening). I guess they know that without me telling them. Just don't notice 'em and they'll get insulted and go out. CRAB. They'll have to be put out. PERRY (assuming dignity}. Well, go over and put 'em both out. Tell 'em I said so. CRAB. But you're floor manager! PERRY. I know, but I resign my position right now. JOHNSON. You're not afraid, are you ? PERRY (half nervously.} Afraid ? You know my record ! Do you want to start in with a couple of corpses on the Miss Spivins. floor? You can't walk on ered with blood, can you ? JOHNSON. You're afraid ! a floor all cov- Ah! Miss ANODYNE. I think the presence of very ordinary negroes is most dis- astrous to my sensitive diaphagram. (REBECCA becomes angry. ) REBECCA. Don't you call me nigger. Don't you call me nigger with a sanitorium diagram. (She makes a dash at the crowd, but B EAS- ILY holds her back. The ladies scream and run to PERRY for protection. PERRY tries to hide behind the crowd of ladies, himself in great fear. REBECCA is very furious, shouting: "Let me go I Let me at them ! " She jumps up and down wildly, but is held back by BEAS- I Ah! you're there, are you? Where have you been? (Smiles, talks through 'phone. ) Send me five cents and I'll go out and get one too Stand further away from the 'phone; you've been eating onions. Yes, yes (laughs} certainly (laughs} yes I knew them when they were courting. No! no! (Surprised}. You you don't say so! when? This morning! (Laughs.} What! Twins? MIDDLE. Now, look here ! I'm quite dry. Let's go out and have a glass of beer. ( Say soda for ladies. ) TAMBO. You needn't go out. I'll bring a glass of beer over our line. MIDDLE. Do you mean to say you can bring a glass of beer over the wires ? TAMBO. Yes, sir ; I'll show you ? (Rings bell. } Hello ! ( Outside bell replies. } Con- nect me with a brewery send over a glass of beer (outside bell rings}, and here it is. ( Takes a glass of beer from a box attached beside the 'phone, or it is handed out slyly from side of entrance close to the 'phone, unobserved by the audience.) MIDDLE. That's wonderful ! ( Tambo drinks it. ) Here ! I thought that was for me ! TAMBO. 'Tis for you. For you to look at ! (Replaces glass. } BONES. Do you want a glass of beer ? Hold on. I'll get one for you. (Rings 'phone and bell replies.} Connect me with (local place}. One glass of beer for Sam. (outside bell rings} and here it is. ( Takes out glass of clear water. } MIDDLE. Why, that's water. BONES. I guess they must know you at the brewery. This beer isn't brewed yet. I guess you owe a bill there too. (Replaces glass } MIDDLE. I tell you what I'd like. I remember they have some very fine segars (ladies say candy} at the (local hotel or store} in (neighboring town}. Can you bring me a box of segars from that city ? THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. in BONES. Certainly! Hello? (Calls name of city several times.} Connect nie with (local] Hotel. (Bell rings. ) One box of segars. (Bell rings, and a man with a segar box dashes put flip-flapping from R. / E., places box in Middled hand and dashes out quick again R. i E. After he goes out both End Men jump and dance ad lib.) END MEN. Goodness ! We're full of electricity too ! MIDDLE. Well, this is truly wonderful ; I wish my brother could see this. TAMBO. Where is your brother ? MIDDLE. London, England. TAMBO. I'll fetch him over. ( Goes to and calls in * phone. ) Hello ! hello, London ! I want London ! I don't want much, do I ? (Bows grotesquely at ''phone.} MIDDLE. To whom are you bowing ? TAMBO. The Prince of Wales just passed by. (Bus. at and talks in 'phone.) I waul Sam's brother yes, Sam's brother what? Oh! all right. I can't bring him. (Hangs up receiver. ) MIDDLE. What's the matter ? TAMBO. His time isn't up yet. They've got him at work making shoes. MIDDLE. My brother is not in jail, and he's not a shoemaker. TAMBO. No; he's only learning. Wait until I try again. (Calls in ''phone). I want Sam's brother. (Repeats.} All right (to Middle], I've got him, I've got him, Sam! (Calls in 'phone.) Take our telephone line and come over. (To Middle. ,} He says he'll come. (Looks in 'phone. ) He's packing his trunk there goes the same old paper collar I lent him. Now he's started. (Music very piano, galop. Bus. of describing the journey.) Now he's half way over. Oh, Sam ! Sam ! There's a big steamship run right over your brother (all in alarm), but he's all right. His cheek hit the vessel and knocked off the propeller. Now he's coming like a flash. Oh, Sam f Sam ! (cries) prepare yourself for sad news there's a shark after your brother ! Oh, Sam ! the shark has swallowed MIDDLE (despairingly). My poor brother? {Circle excited.} 112 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. TAMBO. No ; your brother has swallowed the shark. Now he's at Sandy Hook, now he's passing Jersey City, now he's crossing the Delaware River, now he's (Describe all the towns he passes through to reach your city, or rather name them rapidly. This is arranged for Philadelphia.} in (mention your city. ) He is turning the corner (name street}, and here he is ! (Hurry, music forte, everybody excited, and a dummy with carpet-bag and distinct costume duster, white hat, black pants, etc. darts down a wire from flies L. 'down at an angle of 45 degrees, far into R. i E. where it is fastened. All shout as it crosses. Soon as dummy is sent into entrance a man in exact counter- part of dress, etc., runs out of R. i E. and Middle, End Men and all joyfully greet him , shaking hands and cheering him.) QUICK CURTAIN. OUR GIRLS AT SCHOOL. CAST: Miss DISCIPLINE, The Teacher. BABY MOLASSES, The Victim. SALLY FRECKLES, The Dunce. LUCY LOCKET, A Bright Girl. MARY GRAMMAR, EDITH SYNTAX, BELLE GEOMETRY, CARRIE ALPHABET, RUTH ALGEBRA, LILLIE DIVISION, MATTIE MATHICS, The Young Lady Scholars. SCENE Plain chamber; door in flat; several benches ranged across stage R ; Teacher's desk down L. C.; split sticks, books, bell, etc., tipon her desk; a stool R C. with Dunce's pointed cap. made of white cardboard, with the word "Dunce" in black letters. AUDIENCE ( Teacher, who is supposed to be an eccentric old maid, with spectacles, funny Wig and old-fashioned garments, is discovered, bell in hand.} THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 113 TEACHER. My scholars are late this morning. I'll let them know it. (Rings bell violently. Girl scholars with books. A B C cards, etc., enter door in flat. All exclaim, "Good morning, Teacher." Teacher replies, "Good morn- ing '> young ladies," and they seat themselves upon the benches and begin to study.) TEACHER (at desk}. My scholars are not all here. Where is Baby Molasses and Lucy Locket ? GIRTHS. We don't know. (Baby, who is a fat girl, and Lucy sneak in through door in flat run to benches and push girls away to make room and they sit down and study aloud* Teacher, rapping for silence and attention, discovers them. ) TEACHER. Ah! there you are. Come here, both of you. Come here, Baby Molasses, arid you, Miss Lucy Locket. ( The girls indicated come down C. sniffling ) What kept you so late, Miss Locket ? LUCY. Well, you see, teacher, I was home dreaming, and dreaming that I was going to Europe. {Hesitates as if making up the story. ) And I dreamed that I was late and I ran to the wharf to catch the boat for Europe because I could hear the bell ringing, and and I woke up and it was the school-house bell that was ringing. (Smiles in a silly manner at her excuse. } TEACHER. A very good excuse ; and you, Baby Molasses, what kept you so late ? BABY. I I I went down to the wharf to see her off to Europe. TEACHER. Go to your seats, both of you (they go to seats} and study your lessons ! Ah ! Who has seen our dunce ? Who has seen Sally Freckles ? GIRTHS. Nobody. (Sally, the dunce, runs in through door, pushes a girl off bench and sits down. Takes a book from another one and begins to study. ' ' Twice one is two, twice two is six, twice six is fifty-four," etc. Teacher checks her. ) TEACHER. Stop it! Stop it! That is not your place, Miss Freckles. Put on that dunce's cap, and stand on that pedestal until you learn your lessons. (Sally pouts and sniffles, but puts on dunce's cap, and stands upon the stool >?. C. All the girls secretly laugh at her and she tries to reach over to slap one of them and nearly falls off the stool. Teacher raps for silence and attention.) TEACHER. Now, young ladies, we will begin our studies and I want you to be very attentive. (Sally has a putty-blower and shows it to girls, who appear delighted. Sally blows putty at teacher some one in entrance L. makes a sound of two blocks of wood striking each other to imitate putty striking teacher's face. Teacher yells, *umj>s and capers otit to C.} H4 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. TEACHER. Oh, dear ! oh, dear ! My eye is put out ! Who blew that putty at me ? (All the girls point at Baby.} GIRLS. Baby Molasses ! BABY. Oh, teacher, I didn't do any such thing. TEACHER (Q. Come out here. (Baby comes to her, crying.} Hold out your hand, Miss. (After a few commands* Baby crying holds out her hand. Teacher strikes her hand with split stick or ruler made to sound. Baby cries very loud and returns to seat. Girls all laugh. Sally is delighted and dancing with Joy. She nearly falls off stool. Teacher goes to desk and raps for order and attention.} Now, young ladies, I hope we shall have order ! First class in geometrical hypnotism and concatenation. What is a volcano? GIRLS. A mountain with a fire-place on top of it. TEACHER. Who said that? GIRLS. Baby Molasses. TEACHER. Come out here, Miss ! (Sobbing and crying, she comes C.) BABY. Teacher, I never said a word. It was the dunce. TEACHER. Hold out your hand, Miss ! (Baby is whipped as before, she returns crying to her seat to great delight of dunce and girls. Teacher checks their mirth by rapping for attention and order. } First class in muscular geography and elementary physique. What is a strait ? GIRLS. It beats two pairs. That's what my brother says TEACHER. Who said that? GIRLS. Baby Molasses ! (Baby denies it. Is brought out again. Whipped as before and ordered back to her seat. She cries louder and louder each time . Dunce and girls enjoy the whip- ping.} Now, young ladies, first section in historical addenda and aboriginal allu- vium. Who was General George Washington ? GIRLS. First in war, first in peace, and first in the hands of a policeman ! THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 115 (All rise and dance a " break" dunce nearly falls off stool in doing so). TEACHER. Who said that George Washington was in the hands of a policeman ? GIRLS. Baby Molasses. (Baby begins to cry loud and denies it. But she is brought down and made to hold out her hand and is whipped as before and ordered to her seat. She cries, very much to the delight of the girls. ) TEACHER. I never saw such a girl in all my life always in trouble and never knows her lesson. SALLY. She's pretty near as smart as I am ! I'm head of my class, any way. TEACHER. Now, young ladies, attention ! Second class in coast survey and progressive weather bureau. Who discovered America? (Girls look over books and do not reply. ) Who discovered America ? ( Baby begins to cry, rises, comes down and holds out her hand, i Why, Baby, you didn't discover America. BABY. Didn't I ? Well, I get blamed for everything. I thought maybe I did dis- cover America. TEACHER. No ; you didn't discover America. SALLY. I know who did. Dr. Mary Walker. TEACHER. Young ladies, get ready for your music lesson. Fall in line as I beat time for you. (All the girls laugh and jump for joy.} (She gets a sheet of cardboard with burlesque music notes upon it and by this time all the girls are ranged in line ready to sing as Teacher extravagantly beats time at extreme end of line or in front of the scholars. ) Medley of popular songs or the march song, '''High School Girls" with drill to terminate the final. NOTE : This finale can be elaborated and more questions can be asked (local if desired} at discretion of stage director. CURTAIN. n6 WlTMARK MlNSTRKIv SUGGESTION FOR A NOVEL MUSICAL ACT. THE WORLD FAMOUS MUSICAL ARTISTS, PICK AND PLUNK. In their new selections upon instruments of peculiar make, shape and sound, appearing as the "MUSICAL CONVICTS." SCENE : Represents interior of a prison cell. The convicts amusing themselves upon familiar instruments, performing solos on the following objects: The bars of the cell door, tin cups, chains (bells] on the locks, tin pails' ham- mers and brooms. >?. B. The objects are those furnished to prisoners from which they evoke sweet musie while in durance vile. These instruments must be made to order as they will not be found in stock everywhere. Pick discovered sweeping- his cell. PICK. I haven't got much longer to serve, and for good behavior I've been allowed to enjoy myself with musical instruments of my own make. And who would believe that this broom was a musical instrument ? Yet it is. The broom has a horn or cornet hidden in the brush part, and the mouth -piece is in the handle of the broom. He blows several trumpet calls or plays short solo. At end of it Plunk enters cell. He is the comedy element in this act and has an eccentric prison costume and make-up. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 117 PLUNK. Are you selling fish ? PICK. No, sir. Don't you know a cornet from a fish horn? PLUNK. Not when you play it. PICK. Who are you anyway ? PLUNK. I'm number 7,001 ; I've got a holiday along the corridors for good conduct. PICK. Well, go and enjoy it, and don't bother me. PLUNK. You're bothering me with that old root-te-toot-toot you've got stuck in that broom ! Are you a musician ? PICK. I'm proud to say that I am ; I know every bar in music. PLUNK. I guess it was too many bars that brought vou here. I'm a little on the music order myself. I can get music out of anything. PICK. Then a brother musician is always welcome here. I've got all sorts of musical instruments made of articles allowed prisoners. Everything you see here is capable of producing music. PLUNK. I must tell my brother about this. He's in this prison. He's an overseer. PICK. Overseer ? PLUNK. Yes ; overseeing the walls to see if he can get out. PICK (laughs}. What brought you to prison ? PLUNK. I was brought here by my own conviction. PICK. Well, join in and enjoy yourself. PLUNK. What did you steal ? PICK. I didn't steal anything. I was a bank cashier. PLUNK. Oh, I see; you didn't steal anything, you stole everything. I dare say the? pinched you before you could reach Canada. PICK. Come, join me in sweet sounds or leave this room PLUNK. Anybody who told you that this was a room meant it for a " cell." n8 THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. PICK. Take the chain and rattle it. (Solo on chains which are sleigh bells disguised.} PLUNK (at end.} That's very nice. No matter how poor a convict may be in this prison he's always got a watch and chain. PICK. Now try these blocks of wood and see what sounds they'll produce. (Solo on sticks q/ 'wood \ which are 8 pipe organs, thus disguised?) PLUNK. You've quite a music store in here, haven't you ? PICK. Indeed I have, Mr. Mr. Mr. what's your name? PLUNK. Smith ! And niy name got me into trouble. I was down in a pool room when they made a raid on it. A cop caught me and brought me before the judge who says to me : " What were you doing in that pool room ? " I says : "Attend- ing to my business; I'm a locksmith and was making a bolt for the door." PICK. That was a good excuse. PLUNK. The judge didn't think so. He says: "What's your name!" I says: " Smith." Judge says : " And you're a Locksmith, are you ? " I says : " Yes," " Well," says he, " we'll lock Smith up," and here I am. PICK. Try the bars on the window; let's see what you can get out of them. PLUNK. I wish I could get out of them. I wouldn't be here. If I had the measles, I'd be all right, wouldn't I ? PICK. How would the measles help you ? PLUNK. I'd break out ! (Solo on bars of the window and cell door. These are pipophones. ) PICK. You are doing very well. I didn't think you knew anything about music, especially bits of ste' ". PLUNK. It was big chunks of steel that brought you here. PICK. Don't mention it. I feel sorry. * PLUNK. Sorry you didn't steal the building and the sidewalk I suppose. PICK. Take your pick of these hammers. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 119 (Shows eight mallet-shapped hammers. These hammers each contain a note and when the mallet is struck on a fiat slab laid upon a table, it produces a note, thus forming an octave. ) PLUNK. (I/aughs ) Get your hammer. You've got everything here haven't you? I don't see what you want to leave this place for. PICK. Oh ! Just a little change. Pl,UNK. I don't think you left any. I'll bet you stole every cent in the bank. PICK. Now here, I've saved every bottle I got hold of and formed a musical instru- ment. I call it the "Bottle-phone." (Brings out upright frame on which are strung bottles of all kinds, tuned with water in them and suspended by wires to the cross-piece of the frame. The bottles are struck with small Xylophone hammers. Solo on bottles.} PLUNK. I wish they were filled with something good but they are merely ghosts ; " Departed spirits " they do not even give a fellow a smell. (Pick has removed frame and bottles. ) You didn't get your license did you, and yovi've got to close up! PICK. Here are a lot of rags ! (Puts down lots of rags comprising bits of pants, vests, old hats, ets. In each there is a cow bell or smaller bells. In pretending to search for certain rags, they play upon the bells bv shaking the fragments of clothing.'] PI.UXK. There's something in old rags after all. These are the freshest old rags I ever saw. They're bound to " ring-in " on us every time PICK. Well, that's all right. We're doing time .' Here ! Try these and blow your brains out. PLUNK. There's where I've got the advantage cf you. You haven't got any to blow out. ( They take up two pails which have cornets disguised within the shape of the pails, or two feather dusters will be a/pv/v 'ate, and conclude the act by a stirring march ; and both exit playing, Plunk marching behind in an eccentric manner.} Section A VERY PLEASANT EVENING. FARCE IN ONE SCENE. ADAPTED BY FRANK DUMONT. CAST. *EBENEZER GREEN, a hayseed. NAPOLEON AUGUSTUS WRENCH, an Adventurer. Coi,ONEiv THUNDER, a retired officer. CHARLES HOWARD, in love with Fanny. MR. MONEYPENNY, a hotel boarder. BOOTS, employed at the hotel. WAITER, another attentive (?) servant. FANNY THUNDER, the Colonel's daughter. MRS. WAITRESS, the landlady. PROPERTY LIST. Bed, with mattress, sheet, short blanket and pillow. Table with hotel register and writing materials. Chairs. Placard with figures " 25." Locomotive imitations, bell and whistle, (organ pipe and bar of steel.) Traveling satchel for Fanny. Carpet-bag and umbrella for Green. Loaf bread, slice of pie. Tray with bottle and glass. Large watch- wallet and boots for Green. Dark lantern and pistol for Wrench. Horse-whip for Colonel Thunder. Brooms, hoes, rakes, clubs, etc., for guests. Stuffed dog with snap hook in its mouth to be fastened to a ring securely sewed to seat of Green's pants. Costumes for "Pleasant Evening" are ordinary, every-day dresses for male and female. The comedian can wear extravagant clothing, misfit or in colors, to denote a very countrified fellow. SCENE : Plain chamber ; a bed R. C. up stage. Window in flat. A fire-place R. 2 E.for Green to climb into. In some conspicuous place the figure " 25." Table down L, C- with Hotel register, pen, ink, etc. Furniture R. and L., the whole representing the best room in a country hotel. Landlady discov- ered arranging chairs. LANDLADY. Every room in the house is taken save this one, and I had to put a bed into it. If business keeps up this way, I'll soon be able to retire and live on the in- terest of my money. * The part of Ebenezer Green can be played as a darkey, in which case he will assume coon dialect and his name will be POMPEY JOHNSON. It can also be rendered in German dialect, and the character can be called HENNY DINKELHEIMER. THE WlTMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 121 Engine whistles and bell heard- ou j .s ; dc. Use bar of steel hanging by stout cord struck by small hammer for bell and organ pipe for whistle. Ah! There's the express train and more visitors! (Looks L. i E.} I don't know where I'll place them. Oh, but I'm a very busy woman. I will have to give up my own room, number ten, but I don't care as long as I'm well paid for it. Enter Gustavus Wrench and Fanny Thunder in traveling costume L. i E. WRENCH (to Landlady,} My dear madam, will you have a room prepared immediately for this lady ? She is very much fatigued and wishes to retire. LANDLADY. Yes, sir. She can occupy No. 10, near the parlor. It is in order, and a fire burning brightly. WRENCH. Thank you. (To Fanny.} Keep up your spirits; you shall see your father to-morrow. I will put you on the first train in the morning that passes through your native village. Say nothing about our elopement to anyone. They will think you have come direct from school for a short vacation. FANNY. I will do as you say, and never will I be tempted to commit so foolish an act again. LANDLADY. This way, if you please, Miss. I will show you to your room. Exeunt Landlady and Fanny R. 2 E. WRENCH. Well, I've got myself into a precious scrape, and now I've got to get out of it. I became acquainted with Fanny, old Colonel Thunder's daughter, at the young ladies' seminary at Vassar and persuaded her to elope with me. On our way here I discovered that Colonel Thunder is worth only about $5,000. It won't do for me to marry less than $30,000. She has repented and so have I ; and if I can get her safely home without her father's knowledge of what has happened I shall think myself a lucky dog. But I can't help laughing to think what that fellow will say, whose pocket I picked of this fat wallet, when he discovers his loss. Ha ! ha ! I told him I was a cousin of Admiral Sampson and he swallowed it all down. Now, before I leave this house, I must pick up enough to pay my expenses. Enter landlady R 2 E. LANDLADY. Now, sir, if you will register your name, I will give you a room. WRENCH. Oh, certainly, certainly, my dear madam ! Goes up and registers his name. LANDLADY. I will give you the bed room I have vacant. You see we are quite full to-day. WRENCH. Very well ; I will go to my room immediately, if you please. LANDLADY. This way, sir. 122 THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Exeunt landlady and Wrench R. i E. Enter Colonel Thunder in a great pas- sion L. i E. Walks up and down greatly agitated. COLONEL THUNDER. The impudent puppy, whoever he is ! I wonder where I can find the landlady. The unprincipled scoundrel ! Here I was going to see my daughter at school and give her an agreeable surprise when a boy handed me a note from the principal of the school, informing me that she had eloped with a stranger, I should like to catch him. Here, landlady ! landlady ! Enter landlady, R. i E. LANDLADY. Here, sir, at your service. THUNDER. Any new arrivals, landlady ? LANDLADY. Oh, yes, sir; quite a number. THUNDER. Any females ? LANDLADY. One. THUNDER. Ah, ha ! A gentle no, he's not a gentleman. A man accompanied herfr LANDLADY. Yes, sir ; quite a good-looking gentleman. THUNDER. Bah ! They are all good-looking in your eyes. LANDLADY (aside}. The old grizzly bear. THUNDER. Madam, I must see that man immediately. Do you hear? LANDLADY. I have ears, sir; I suppose I can hear. THUNDER (shouis). Very well. Go and tell this good-looking rascal I wish to see him. LANDLADY The old Rocky Mountain buffalo ! (Exit L.,;dlady R. j E.} THUNDER. If this proves to be the villain I'm in search of, I'll kill him within an inch of his life. (Enter Wrench R. i. E. > WRENCH Well, sir, your business ! (Aside. By Jingo, I'll bet that's Fanny's father. THUNDER. Ah ! I've found you, have I ? The destroyer of my family's peace and happi- ness ! Where's my daughter, sir? Oh, that I should live to see this day ! WRENCH. But, sir, allow me to explain. THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 123 THUNDER (walking up and down}. I shall allow you nothing, sir ! I'll allow you ten minutes to live. WRENCH (following him.} But, my dear sir THUNDER. Don't bui me. You bare-face scoundrel. I'll blow your brains out, if you have any. WRENCH. My dear Colonel THUNDER. Don't dear me. I'll have you hung. WRENCH. Allow me one word of explanation. THUNDER (stopping short}. Well, proceed. I'll give you five minutes; at the expiration of that time, sir, I'll give you thunder WRENCH (aside}. Now for a lie. Invention befriend me. (Aloud.} My dear sir, be calm until I give you the particulars of this most melancholy affair. You have no idea, sir, the injustice you do me. No, sir, I am the preserver of your daughter's honor and good name. I was seated behind your daughter and the man you seek, in the car and overheard their conversation. She had already repented of her fool- ish action, and was expostulating with him, entreating him to take her to her home. He refused to do so, villian that he is, when I interposed, sir, and rescued your lovely offspring from the clutches of as vile and contemptible a scoundrel as ever breathed the breath of life. I brought her here. She is now enjoying the sweet repose she so greatly needs, and to-morrow it was my intention to restore her to your arms. THUNDER (cooling- down}. My dear sir, how can I thank you ? Will you overlook the hasty words I uttered a moment ago? I can never repay you. Ask me for anything I possess; you shall have it and welcome. WRENCH. Oh, my dear sir, I did but my duty. You think too much of it. There is nothing I can ask of you. But say during the tussle the villain and I had together, I lost my pocket book, and I have every reason to think he abstracted it from my side pocket. If you could favor me with a small loan until I return to the city, I should feel that I was amply repaid. THUNDER. Certainly, sir, certainly ! The smallest favor you could ask. (Takes out wallet. ) How much shall I have the pleasure of loaning you ? WRENCH. Oh, the small sum of fifty dollars will suffice for present needs. THUNDER. Fifty dollars ! Of course. ( Gives money.) Fifty thousand, if I had it. Now sir, may I know the name of my benefactor? WRENCH. Yes, sir; my name is Napoleon Gustavus Wrench, formerly a stock broker in "Wall street, but, at present, Councilman from the 'Steenth Ward, New York. 124 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. THUNDKR. I am happy to form your acquaintance. It is an honor of which I feel proud. But what has become of the scoundrel who sought to injure me so deeply ? WRENCH. From what I could learn, he intended to stop at this very house. He is dis- guised as a countryman. You wouldn't know him. I'll keep watch and when he arrives will inform you of the fact. THUNDER. Thank you. And now, let us adjourn to the next room, and take a little hot water with some sugar in it, and talk over what has happened. WRENCH. With all my heart, (^s they go off arm in ami, H'renc/i over Thunder's shoulder to audience) How are you, fifty? (Exeunt R. i .) Enter Ebcnezcr Green L. i /:. id Hi carpet-bag, etc., speaks off at wing. GREEN. I tell you it's a swindle and I'll have you arrested. I shan't pay it. ( To audience. ) The idea of charging a man sixteen dollars to ride a square. They may think I'm green, but I'll make some of them black and blue if they come any of their fooling over me. I wonder where the boss of this house is. I'm mighty tired and would like to go to bed. Enter landlady JR. i E. LANDLADY. I presume, sir, you wish accommodations. GREEN. Well, you presume about right. I do. I'd like to have a nice big room full of sophys and cheers and first-rate fire, and I want it as cheap as well, in fact, I don't want to pay anything for it if I can get it for nothing. LANDLADY. I guess we won't overcharge you. Will you register your name, if you please ? GREEN. Certainly. Anything to please a feminine gander. Write my name in this book? LANDLADY. Yes, sir. GREEN. (Enters his name with considerable flourish. ) I guess that gal thought I couldn't write. There it is a G and an R, two K's and an N. LANDLADY. Very well, sir; I'll give you this room. There is a very nice gentleman in the room next to yours. GREEN. I'd like to get about fifty winks before the next train comes along. I've got to be in Albany to-morrow. I've got a little business with the Legislature. Now, where's the dining-room, so I can get a sandwich ? LANDLADY. Follow me, sir, and remember this is your room, Number 25 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 125 GREEN. I won't forget it's on the book. Get the sandwich, and cut the bread and meat thick as you can for five cents. (Exit landlady and Green R. 2 E. Enter Wrench R. i E. ) WRENCH. Well, I'm in luck. I left the Colonel sipping his hot water and sugar, as he calls it, and made a short trip through the house. I've collected two or three watches and as many pocket books, and now I must throw the victims off the scent. (Goes up to register. ) Hello ! another fresh arrival . I guess I'll change rooms with this fellow and throw all the blame on him. (Changes number in register.} There, old fellow; now I'll see if you have any stamps. (Exit R. i E. Enter Charles Howard, L. i E.) HOWARD. I've tracked the villain to this house. The landlady said the gentleman that came with the lady was in No. 25. I'll teach him better than to run off with another man's intended wife. I'll find the rascal and fight him a duel. (Exit Howard JR. i E. Enter Moneypenny L. i E.} MONEYPENNY. No. 25, is it? I'll teach the rascal how to rob respectable people. He went into my room and took my watch. I'll send him to jail. (Exit R. i E. Enter three or four boarders together L. i E. talking about robbery, saying, " He's in the room, Number 25," and exit R. i E.) (Enter Green, R. 2 E . eating loaf of bread, slice of pie in the other hand carpet bag under his arm. Landlady follows in with tray on which is a bottle and c glass. She places it on table. ) GREEN. That's it ! Now, don't let me be disturbed. I'll eat my lunch and then go to bed. LANDLADY. Very well. Good night, sir. (Exit L. i E.) GREEN. Good night, Miss. That's a nice girl. (Puts down carpet-bag, sits at table. Bus. eating, talking, all the while. Gets up with pie in one hand and beer in the other, looks about the room, sees No. 25. ) Hello ! That gal put me in the wrong room. She said No. 24 was my room, but I don't suppose it makes any difference. (After eating, puts what is left in his carpet bag. ) This will do for a lunch on the cars to-morrow. I guess I'll go to bed now. (Bus. taking out night-cap, night-gown, etc. Pulls off his boots, places them oot of bed. Hangs his coat on chair near^ pocket-book under the pillow . (This scene all funny as posi" bed, saying-, : All I want now is to get about fifty winks. at foot of bed. Hangs his coat on chair near foot of the bed, etc. Places watch and pocket-book under the pillow. (This scene all rests with the comedian. Make it as funny as possible. If you can introduce good Bus, do so.) Green finally gets into (Enter Boots, whistling; wakes up Green, who sits up in bed. Boots takes Green's boots and is about going off.) Here, bring back my boots. 126 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. BOOTS. I'm only going to black them, sir. GREEN. But I don't want them blacked. BOOTS. You must have them blacked. It's the rule of the house. GREEN. I don't care about the rule. I want my boots. BOOTS. Can't help it, sir. Must obey orders. (Boots exits L. i E. whistling.} GREEN. That's a nice trick. Take a man's boots away. I wonder if I'll get them again. (Lies down again. Enter Waiter, dancing up to bed. Takes Green* s coat, throws it over his shoulder and is going off. Green starts up again. } Here, where are you going with my coat ? WAITER. Going to brush it, sir. GREEN. I don't want it brushed ! WAITER. Yes, but you must have it brushed. It's the rule of the house. GREEN. Oh ! Confound the rules. Put that coat down. WAITER. . Can't do it, sir. You must have it brushed. ( Waiter dances off L. i E.) GREEN. Well, I never seen such a house as this One takes my boots, another takes my coat. Suppose there's a fire in the middle of the night, what'll I do? I'll never get my fifty winks this way. (Lies down. Stage darkened a little Wrench puts his head in L. i E. Then enters cautiously, with dark lantern} WRENCH. All right. I guess he's asleep. Now to see if he has any valuables. Of course he put them under his pillow. (Goes to bed and takes Green's watch and pocket-book from under his pillow. Green awakens and starts up} GREKN. Hello ! What do you want ? WRENCH (Pulls pistol on him.} Another word and you are a dead man. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 127 GREEN. {Frightened to death. Pops his head under bed clothes, then out, then under again, etc. Feels for his watch, etc.} Here, where's my watch and pocket-book ? WRENCH. If you speak above a whisper, I'll let day-light shine through you. Have you any more money? GREEN. No? You've got it all. I'll holler murder ! WRENCH. If you do, I'll shoot you. Lie perfectly quiet for five minutes or I'll kill you. I shall watch you through the key-hole . (Backs off holding pistol at Green. Bus. of coming on every time Green puts his head out. ) GREEN. Oh, Lord ! Oh, Lord ! What'll become ot me ? Boots, coat, watch and money, all gone. Rule of the house ! They'll take me next. I'll never get my fifty winks. (Lies down again. Enter Howard L. i E.} HOWARD. Where is the man that would make me miserable for life? ( Goes up to bed, shakes Green. ) I shall expect you in the morning to give me the satisfaction of a gentleman, sir, a gentleman ! There's my card ! (Rushes out L. i E ) GREEN. His card. (Looks at his card.} I don't want to call on him. I don't know him. He seems to be pretty well acquainted with me the way he tossed me about. If I can't get my fifty winks this time, I'll get up and go to some other hotel. (Lies down. Col. Thunder enters L. i E. with a horse-whip. Goes up to bed.} THUNDER. So, you rascal ! I've found you, have I ? Run away with my daughter, will you ? Take that, and that ! (Horse-whips him over the bed. Green bounces out of the bed around the stage once or twice, the Colonel after him. The Col. goes off L. i E. Green gets up the chimney. ( This is accomplished by having a short step-ladder back of set fire- place.) Two or three rush on stage with brooms, hoes, pitch-forks, etc. Search all around the room. Finally Wrench fires pistol up the fire-place , which brings Green down all in dirt. As they make for him he rushes out through wing. Dog's barking is heard and Green comes on with a dog fastened to his back ; rushes off into one wing and on from another, crossing stage. Everybody after him. Finally goes through window in flat. Crash outside, and) QUICK CURTAIN. 128 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. THE WAR CORRESPONDENT. SKETCH. CAvST. JAKE BLOTTER, { Two American War Correspondents for the "Daily Pre- PETE PENCIL, f mature." AGUINALDO. JUAN, a soldier. INEZ, a waiting maid. FILIPINOS, SOLDIERS, ETC. PROPERTY LIST. Large box for man to hide in, with hinged lid on top and marked on front " Coal." (A large chest will answer. ) Two chairs, large, old-fashioned cradle, pillow and short sheet for cover, "prop" rag baby. Table and table-cover with few dishes, knives and forks, tin pudding dish with bread reduced to a soft pulp, large spoon. ("Horse" effect explained in Section 2 ) . Guns for Juan and soldiers. Document with red seal for Aguinaldo. Baby cap in cradle to fit Jake. Bottle on table containing water. Two revolvers for Aguinaldo. A "baby cry," or have someone in wingt imitate a baby crying. Two American flags for Jake and Pete. COSTUMES. Jake Blotter and Pete Pencil are attired as "tramps" at opening. They disguise themselves in eccentric military coats, hats and accoutrements. Aguinaldo is attired in burlesque Spanish military costume. Juan, Filipino soldier, white pants, white blouse, large sombrerro and gun . Soldiers same attire Inez, Filipino girl. Spanish costume. SCENE Cottage near Manila. Plain chamber, door and window in flat. Large box ivith hinged top, marked "Coal," L. C. Table C. with two chairs. Large, old-fashioned cradle R. C. with " 'prop" rag baby. Inez discovered arranging table INEZ. War is going on between this country and the Americans, and I don't know what I'll do. I'm engaged to Juan, who will have to go. {Mournfully. ) I'll be a widow before I'm married. (Enter Juan, door in flat, greets Inez. ) JUAN. I just ran in to tell you that I've got to be on guard to-night at the castle, but I will be here about eleven o'clock. INEZ. Be very careful, for you know that Aguinaldo has this house fitted up like a military fort. He's a crank on the subject of soldiers and military affairs. So look out. JUAN. Ill be careful He won't catch me over a bomb-shell or in a powder magazine ! So, good bye. We're on the lookout for Yankee spies. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 129 INEZ. Good bye, Juan, good bye. (Bus. lovable parting ai door and Juan exits ) The baby is quiet, so I can sneak out for a few minutes and buy something for Juan's lunch. Master would be angry if he knew I left that baby alone, but I can't help it. Love before duty. Exits door. Lid of box is raised and Pete Pencil looks out, comes from box and whistles as if calling. Jake Blotter also whistles and peers out from under table-cloth and emerges from under table very much frightened, hungry and faint.) JAKK. Oh, take me home ! Don't let me die in this place. PETE. Shut up ! Do as I do. Be brave and die for your country. They can only shoot you once. JAKE. But I don't want to get shot and die. I want to live. Oh, why, why did you bring me over to this place ? PETE . To get news for the papers. We can make a lot of money by sending over all kinds of war news. (Jake shivers.} Stop trembling ! Remember you die in a glorious cause. JAKE. You go ahead and die. I want to live. I'd rather have them say "there he goes " than "here he lies." You're always blowing about bravery. I'm not brave. I acknowledge that I was never cut out for a soldier PETE. Listen to me ! We are here surrounded by a million blood-thirsty Filipinos. JAKE. (Faints ) Oh, dear! Tell them I'm innocent. PETE. You'll be shot before me ! There's no use deceiving you. We'll never see the United States again. JAKE. Oh, dear ! Oh, this is awful. You kidnapped me from home. You lured me over here and now I'm going to be shot by Filipinos. I'll tell our President on you. PETE. You know we sneaked into this house to avoid the Filipino sentries. Now we must make the best of it. In that room (Points R.) I saw some military costumes. We must disguise ourselves. It's our only hope. JAKE. You stay here and I'll run over to the dock and see if I can swim home. (Horse effect horseman gradually approaching effect louder and louder un til he halts outside. Jake and Pete listen in fear. ) PETE. Too late. I hear someone coming on horseback. Quick ! into that room, ami put on the soldier's clothing. 130 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. (Pushes Jake into R. 2 E. as he protests and shakes with fear and follows after him. Enter Aguinaldo, a military-looking crank, L. 2 E. ) AGUINALDO. Where is Inez? Not here ! Confound that girl ! She is always running after the soldiers, and here we are at war with the Americans. Every man's house is a fort, and every man is a walking arsenal. Ah ! the baby is quiet; that is a good thing, for it seldom sleeps. Let me see (Examines document.} American spies in the Philippines. Why, of course, and how can we prevent that ? The way is to find them and shoot them. Here's the description of the two who have been followed by our soldiers. (Reads as Pete and Jake enter R. 2 E. in misfit miJitarv costume. Aguinaldo looks up. ) Ah ! a pair of military gentlemen ! What seek you in my house ? JAKE. (Shaking. ) He told me to put these on (Pete checks him. ) PETE. Shut up, you idiot ! ( To Aguinaldo. ) We came to your house to to JAKE. Yes, the two-two of us to-to find out where is the kitchen ! AGUINALDO. The kitchen ? PETE. My friend means, has your kitchen been searched for spies ? JAKE (Aside.} Yes, for pies, slap jacks, ham sandwich, anything. AGUINALDO. To what are you attached, the Army or the Navy ? JAKE. Yes, we belong to the Army and the Navy and the Infantry on horseback PETE. We are with the fresh regiment just arrived from Iloilo. JAKE. Yes, we're oily and very fresh ! Fresnest lot of ducks you ever saw. AGUINALDO. Cavalry or Artillery ! JAKE. (Patronizingly.} Both ! If we can't get that, we'll take beer ; we don't care. AGUINALDO. Where are you stationed ? PETE. Cavite Castle. JAKE. He is; I ain't. I'm on my own hook. AGUINALDO. I believe you are a pair of imposters. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 131 JAKE. That's. right, mister; give it to him. He's an imposter. PETE. (To Jake.} Shut up ! JAKE. (To Pete.} That man knows you. AGUINAI.DO. If you are soldiers, you have nothing to fear. But if you are spies or Americans, you must be looked after. I'll notify the guard. {Exits L. 2 E.) PETE. (Angry.} Do you see the trouble you've got me into ? JAKE. You got me into trouble, bringing me over here. PETE. Quick ! we must hide. He's gone after the soldiers. (Runs for box and gets into it. Jake tries to follow.} Get out of this. There's room for one only. JAKE. Where will I go? PETE. Into the cradle with the baby. (Jake runs over to cradle, puts baby cap on and throws baby to Pete. Jake gets into cradle and covers himself with sheet which is short and exposes his feet. } Cover those feet. I hear somebody coming. ( Jake rocks cradle and almost spills himself out of it. Pete yells to him to be quiet. Jake sees bottle on table, dashes out of cradle in spite of Pete' s warning and gets the bottle; returns to cradle and drinks from it and then covers himself with sheet. Aguinaldo heard returning. Pete closes lid of chest and Jake remains quiet. Aguinaldo enters ivith tin dish of bread pulp and large spoon. } AGUINALDO. The soldiers are as hard to find as the police. However, I've fixed everything. I've got my revolvers. (Shows them as he sits at table. Pete looks out of box. Jake in cradle alarmed.) Where is the bottle I left upon this table ? (Looks under table. Jake drinks ad lib.} Well, never mind. It wasn't fit to drink. It was poisoned ! ( Jake looks amazed. ) It was poisoned for an American spy, in jail next door. (Jake spits out water which he drank from bottle. ) And a deadly poison it is. f Jake spits out more water and groans. Pete laughs heartily from his hiding place. ) I wonder if these revolvers are in good condition. (Examines them. Levels one at the box. Pete slams the lid down*) I guess they are all right. (Fires a shot as if by accident. ) Hello ! That went oT accidentally. 132 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. ( Pete is heard to groan and baby in box to cry. Agninaldo has business of looking around. ) I've awakened the baby. ( Comes over to cradle and rocks it. Jake cries like a baby and Aguinaldo tries to hush it. Goes and gets pap to feed it. As he comes over he suddenlv discovers the ruse and winks to audience. ) (Aside.} Ah, ha ! Playing off the baby, eh? I'll give him the baby's food. (Aloud.) Little Sancho wants some dinner? JAKE. ( Cries baby fashion. ) Sancho is hungry. AGUINAUXX Here's some dinner for you ( Throws three or four spoonfuls of pap into Jake's face and then the remain- der of it in one mass, smearing it all over Jake 's 'face as he bellows, etc. ) Sancho likes his dinner? JAKE. (Sobbing.) Sancho ain't hungry now. AGUINALDO. (Aguinaldo goes to box and raises lid; aims pistol into it and orders Pete out. Pete emerges, holding on to baby. \ I've got one out of that box ! ( Then with pistol orders Jake out of cradle. Jake and Pete try to get behind each other to avoid Aguinaldo'' s pistols.) Now then, you both die ! ( They fall on knees R. shotiting " Spare us, spare us." Inez enters door in fiat followed by Juan and 4 to 6 Filipino soldiers, ivho range quickly L.) There's a couple of Americans. A pair of Yankee spies. Down with them ! (As Filipinos level guns and are about to fire Jake and Pete pull small American flags out of bosoms and wave them at soldiers. ) BOTH. Fire on this if you dare ! (Music Yankee Doodle. Jake and Pete dancing. Soldiers ana rest are cow- ering. On this picture oj astonishment a":d of Filipinos baffled. ) CURTAIN. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 133 \ ILL-TREATED TROVATORE* BURLESQUE OPERA SCENE. Suitable for After-piece, white or black face, male or mixed minstrels. If y> 1a yecj by all males would advise black face. CAST. MANRICO, the imprisoned lover. LEONORA. THE COUNT. THE SENTRY. SERVANT. Opera-struck ruffians by rest of Company. Set prison piece R. 2. E. which in asks in a step-ladder. There is a grated window in this prison piece and the step-ladder must be high enough for MANRICO to peer over out window and sing. Wood scene at back and wings used. At opening a funny sentry in eccentric armor is parading before the prison. Lights half doivn, music pizzicato at opening, which changes into march as enter COUNT DE LUNATIC and his servant MIASMA. Sentry salute* them and stands at "present" with spear, COUNT. Is everything quiet ? SENTRY. You could even hear a gum drop, your Highness. COUNT. 'Tis well. Guard the prisoner and see that he does not eat his way out through those granite walls. {Servant exits L. 2 E.} SENTRY. I will shoot him with this spear if he attempts to bribe me or come out of that window. (Clattering of feet Horse effect can be introduced noises, etc., heard L. 2 E. and servant dashes in with a large document ivith large red seal dangling on end of it.} COUNT. Well, fool ! What is this ? ( All three frightened. ) SERVANT. Take it ! Take it ! COUNT (timidly}. Who who sent it? 134 THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. SERVANT. I think it's from Washington. COUNT (to Sentry}. Take that document and examine it. SENTRY. No, sir ! I'm on guard and can't leave my post-office. COUNT. Cowards} I'll take this office myself. (Takes document gingerly.} I'm not afraid of an investigation or a court martial. ( Trembling. } All that they can do to me is to retire me for six years on full pay ! ( Opens document. } Go get me some gas. SERVANT. All right, your Highness ! (Exits L i E.} COUNT. It is addressed to me, and of course must be for me. (Servant enters with lighted candles.} SERVANT. Here's your electric light. ( Count begins to grimace as if reading the document. Servant peers over his shoulder, reading it aloud also. } Two pairs of paper collars, one cuff, one bosom and a piece of suspender. ( Count turns on him. } COUNT. How dare you read my letter ? (Begins reading again. Servant peers over his shoulder as before. Count turns and they peer into each other's faces. ) SERVANT. He writes a beautiful foot, doesn't he? COUNT. Mind your own business ! Hold up the light. (Servant raises it over Count" s head. } No ! no ! Lower down ! Lower it. (Servant lowers it. Count reads until Servant ignites a fire-cracker or two, which are wired securely into the cardboard seal. Soon as they explode Count, Sentry and Servant fall in eccentric manner, sprawling , ad lib.} SERVANT. The candle busted ! COUNT (rises}. Get up ! There is danger ahead for us. (Sentry rises.} There is a plot to steal these woods and kidnap the jail, but they'll never do it. (Servant and Sentry repeat all the boastings of Count as he paces stage, they imitating him. } THE WlTMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. T35 I'll have the life of the first one daring to trespass 011 these lands. I'll show them I'm not a cowardly Spaniard. I am a New York politician. They can't get anything out of me. I wonder what they take me for? No, no, no, never! Follow me, follow me to death if needs be ! (Dashes out L. i E.) To death if needs be ! SERVANT. (Imitates Count's exit.} SENTRY. I don't care to stay here alone. I wish I knew of some saloon with a side door, but there isn't one in this city, i Enter Leonora L. 2 E. ) LEONORA. i he cruel Count has incarcerated the only one I love in that cruel prison. (Peculiar noise.} I hear him breathing in his cell and fighting mosquitoes. ( Coyly. ) Ah, there ! Manrico. MANRICO. Ah, there ! Leonora. It's no use, I cannot slumber, although I sigh to rest me. (Chord.) (Music Introduction to duet from "// Trovatore" tower scene MANRICO sings. Situation as per above illustration,} 136 THE WlTMARK MiNSTREi, GUIDE. MANRICO. Oh! 1 have srrh'd to rest. .. me;. ttie soft side of a plank, ^_ i ^ M I ^ ^ I ^ ^ rats all o - ver me creep, knee deep, they creep, So stand-in? up have to sleep. LEONORA MANRICO Yes, he is in jail he is in jail. LEONORA. 1 can't get MANRICO Yes, he is in jail, he is in jail. I can't get bail. ^ mm bail. Here must stay, day af - ter day, be - hind the ggEEEEgE5EEEf^5E^E^EEEpE^ bars, with - out ci - gars. Beer and cl - gars. WlTMARK MlNSTRKIv GUIDE. 137 (As they conclude Servant enters L. 2 E. Sentry is asleep leaning on spear during- duet,) SERVANT. Do you want to get him out ? IvEONORA. Yes ; but how can you get him out ? SERVANT. I'll move the jail ! ( Takes hold of prison piece and runs it into R. 2 E. exposing Manrico seated on the step-ladder. IManrico sees Leonora L. C.) MANRICO (descending-). Leonora ! lyEONORA. Manrico ! ( They embrace and separate. ) MANRICO. Once more ! (Embrace again.} (Chord or discord. Count and funny soldiers enter L. 2 E. ) i3 8 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. COUNT. What's this ? Treason ! Seize the prisoner ! ( Two soldiers seize Manrico. ) LEONORA. Oh, Count, spare him, spare him ! (Kneels to him. ) COUNT. Never ! (She rises. ) He dies ! (Servant puts sword into Manrico' s hands. ) SERVANT. Defend yourself with that . COUNT. Traitor ! (Slashes at Servant who hides behind Sentry^ MANRICO. I'll fight for my life ! (Short sword combat between Count and Manrico. Servant puts on muzzle and umpires the fight as though it were a prize fight, and Leonora advises Manrico to stab Count, cut his nose off, carve him, use a razor on him, etc., all ad lib. during fight. Finally Count disarms Manrico and runs sword under ///.< arm. All exclaim: "Oh!" Count tries to pull out sword, but cannot. ) COUNT. His blood is rusty ! (Pulls and tugs, puts foot against Manrico' s bosom and is thus enabled to pull out his sword accompanied by a long discord in orchestra, made by violins, as he does so, and Manrico falls dead. Leonora runs to him and kneels, sobs and cries in wild terror. ) IvEONORA. Oh ! you have killed him and he's dead. Speak to me, Manrico ! Speak to your Leonora, who is leaning o^er you ! MANRICO (looks up). I can't speak; I'm dead. (Lies down.} COUNT. I'll bring him to. SERVANT. Bring three; I'll have a drink myself. COUNT ( commandingly?) Bring the anvils and the hammers. SERVANT. Oh, he's going to " knock him." (Soldiers place an anvil on a box or pedestal R. C. and two more place an anvil L. C. in same manner. As they start to do this the music of Anvil Chorus begins, the introduction being kept up until all are ready to sing. Manrico rises as anvils are in position. Count and Servant are at anvil R., servant having a bar of red-hot iron, end of it painted red, and Manrico and sleepy Sentry are at anvil L. They have large or small hammers. Soon as all are in position the Anvil Chorus begins. There are no words used, merely a "gibberish " of supposed Italian. Leonora and soldiers are at ends of circle. With the final strokes of hammers the curtain descends.") THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. (Here are the Italian [/] icords f/iat can be sung as chorus proper begins.} ;;a /((',. . ( VOICES.) Sold to me the bour - ba - zee, De Piaro or Orchestra. La - ger Beer from Kr.n - Uu - kcc; Sold to me, do Ju - bi - lee, De Da - go loves de "M.ic-cu - ree: Hand case, Switz-er case, Kara case, Dutch case in a tin case, Co pound de ten - der steak, Go pound de D- -q--- E^M ten - der steak and call the board - crs 1:1. N. B. If desirec, a large or small choris oJ courtiers, nobles and indies i;i "vstume can be introduced in this fini?^. Section X* ,40 SHADOW PANTOMIMES. This very humorous but mystifying performance will be explained in a simple manner, and the amateur can produce the effects as well in the drawing-room, with its folding doors, as the professional, with all the stage accessories of height and space. No scenery is needed, but plenty of " properties," so arranged that their shadows will be cast upon the white sheet or curtain. With the electrical appliances and calciums of the present time the shadow pantomime is easily gotten up, and will be a source of wonder and plenty of laughter from your audience. ^> The first thing needed is plenty of light. In the absence of these lights, however, a good substitute for drawing-rooms can be had in a powerful lamp or reflector. This light is placed on 1 the floor about six feet away from the screen, sheet or curtain. This! sheet is secured between your folding doors, and made very taut, top, bottom and sides. In a hall or theatre, it is best to have it of muslin THK WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDK. 141 with small seams, and fastened top and bottom, also sides, by tacks or battens ; or in the shape of a window curtain. Let it come flat to the stage, so the feet of the shadow performers can be distinctly seen. The sheet or curtain will then look like illustration on opposite page. The audience must be seated in the dark; no lights can be used in front of the curtain. Behind this curtain get as strong a light as possible by means of a powerful lamp, calcium or elect: ic (carbon ) such as are used in picture machines or magic lanterns of the modern style. Having arranged your lamp, light, curtains, etc., you are new ready to begin your pantomime. Remember that coming near to the curtain and in front of the light casts your shadow on the curtain life- size only. Going nearer to the light, and away from the curtain, you become larger and assume gigantic proportions. Step over the light from behind it. (Care must be taken during this not to turn lamp over. ) You then appear as dropping from the clouds, or space above. Jump over the light, from in Iront of it, with your back to the curtain and audience, and you appear as if leaping up into the clouds, or space above, and you totally disappear in gigantic proportions. The " prop- erties " used, if signs, they must be of cardboard with letters cut out, so the light will shine through the cut places thus : DENTIST Instruments, brooms, hats, fish and articles well-known are easily recognized by their shadows and need not be specially made, except when spoken of in the pantomimes as " special." Then they will be described. It is always best to draw off a-front scene to reveal the cur- tain illuminated by the light behind it, in order to begin the pantomime. In the absence of scenes, you can open the doors and get the same effect. Remember to darken the space in front of the curtain, leaving your audience truly " in the dark " before you begin. Music is essen- tial. An overture of popular melodies enlivens the pantomime. Most important. Be sure and stand sideways or iu profile, during the important business of the shadow pantomime, as facing the audience will not show the outlines of your features, but when you are sideways the entire profile is distinctly seen. Participants can talk audibly to each other, to convey the meaning of action and simplify matters. Not loud enough, however, for the audience to overhear the speakers. Advise plenty of rehearsals so as to get positions and ges- tures just right. 142 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. 145 THE LOBSTERSCOPE. PROPERTY LIST. Axe. Imitation log of wood. Gun for soldier. Soldier costume. Purse or wallet with money. Horse pistol. Chair. Lot of old tools hammer, saw, axe, auger, etc Stiff cardboard arm to be sawed off from Cripple's body. Long link of imitation sausages. Tinker's furnace and soldering irons. Lady's bustle. Box, with strap for tinker to carry on Tin pump with live cat inside of it. his back. Dummy baby. Tin dish of sawdust and large spoon. Basket, with imitation crabs and a lobster. (See descriotion in pantomime.) Police outfit. Cardboard skeleton with legs and Crutches for Cripple. arms loose. Money for Cripple. Music Either a 6-8 two-step or waltz, very piano. Clown enters ft. Pantaloon L. Clown yawns showing he is lazy and sleepy. Pantaloon motions to Clown to get his axe and chop some wood. Pantaloon gets the axe from L. puts it into Clown's hands and tells him to chop. Clown begins chopping at log of wood C\ Pantaloon starts L. Clown falls asleep with axe raised, Pantaloon turns and comes to Clown and slaps him on the back. Clown begins chopping rapidly, and Pantaloon exits L. Clown gazes after him, and in so doing, allows the axe to strike his toe, (apparently) and he drops the axe, hopping about in pain. Enter soldier with gun R. Clown about to run away when soldier levels gun at him, and orders him to return. Soldier says Clown has got to enlist, to go and fight for his country .Clown says he's brave, and only too glad to go. Demands the gun, to show soldier how he can drill. Gets the gun and after few movements with it, levels it at soldier, and commands him to take off soldier hat, then coat, and orders soldier out very bravely. Soldier exits R. Clown puts on coat and hat and paces stage with gun. Pantaloon runs across from L. to R. Clown puts out his foot and trips Pantaloon, who falls on his face, then rises. Seeing soldier he is afraid, and about to run when Clown orders him to halt ; then he orders him to "hands up " and throw down his money. Pantaloon throws purse on ground, then Clown orders him to leave. Pantaloon frightened, exits L. Clown laughs, puts down gun and begins to count money in the purse; as he is seated C. Pantaloon returns L. sees clown, and gliding behind him takes the gun and levels it at Clown, who is busy counting money. Clown turns his head and peers into gun barrel, drops money and starts to run R., when Pan- taloon orders him to halt. Pantaloon compels Clown to take off hat and coat, which he does. Then they agree to divide the articles, put down gun and seat up gun Tinker L. with furnace and soldering irons in it. Box upon his back. He pauses C. Clown runs out from L. and greets him. 4 Pantaloon enters R They engage in conversation. Clown steals a hot iron out of the furnace, then Tinker turns to talk to him and Pantaloon steals one. Clown puts his iron into his pocket and it burns him. He capers about and yells, then takes out iron, and hands it to Tinker, who burns his hands as he is 'seizing the iron. Pantaloon burns himself with his stolen iron, and then burns the Tinker in trying to return it. The Tinker with the hot iron burns both Clown and Pantaloon on arms, legs, back, etc., then in great anger exits R. threatening them. Clown and Pantaloon feel the burnt 144 THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. parts of their body and show grief and pain. Enter woman with baby L. They halt her C. While she is talking to Pantaloon, the Clown steals her bonnet and puts it on himself. They both admire the baby. Woman asks Clown to hold it. He says "No; Pantaloon likes to hold babies." She turns to him and asks him to hold the baby, puts it in his arms and exits. Clown laughs at Pantaloon and the baby begins to cry. (Use baby-cry. ) Clown is in great glee over Pantaloon's troubles with the baby. He paces the floor with it. Clown says: "The baby is hungry; let's feed it." Clown gets a tin dish of sawdust and a big spoon from R. and shows that the dish is full of "stuff" by stirring it with spoon. Comes to baby and tries to feed it. Baby cries very loud. Clown becomes very angry and forces spoon down the baby's throat. Pantaloon upbraids him for *it, when Clown throws contents into Pantaloon's face. Pantaloon throws baby at clown who throws it back again at him, but misses Panta- loon, who dodges it, and it strikes a policeman who is entering L. Clown and Pantaloon scamper off R. , pursued by policeman. Woman runs in L. picks up the baby and starts in pursuit also, R. Cripple enters L , comes to C. and pauses. Clown and Pantaloon rush in from A*, bump against Cripple and knock him down. They aid him to arise and pick up his crutches, apologizing and try- ing to soothe the Cripple's ruffled feelings Cripple says he wants to see the doctor. Clown says "there's the doctor," pointing to Pantaloon. Cripple says he needs doctor's attention at once Pantaloon says "five dollars in advance." They get the money from Cripple and Clown demands half of it. Pantaloon gives him a coin and orders him to get a chair. Clown brings a chair to C. Cripple sits down. Pantaloon orders Clown to get his instruments. Clown returns with hammer, saw, axe, auger etc. Drops them at Cripple's feet who in terror rises to escape, but is held in chair by Clown. Pantaloon examines Cripple's legs, and concludes that the pain is in the Cripple's arms. Takes the saw and amid much bustle and fright on the part of the Cripple, Pantaloon saws off one of his arms. (This is done by Cripple holding his A*, arm close to his side and using a stiff cardboard arm, which Clown slyly brings in and holds close to Cripple's side, or shoulder, while he is seated looking A*.) They saw off this arm and Clown holds it up, then throws it over the light. Cripple demands his crutches ; Clown gives him but one, telling him he has but one arm and needs but one crutch. Cripple exits L. Clown and Pantaloon congratulate each other on their surgical skill. Enter fat man running and in great pain, L. They capture him and ask: "What ails you?" Fat man motions he has terrific cramps from eating something. Clown and Pantaloon demand money for treatment. Fat man gives money; both grab for it. Pantaloon gets it. They order fat man to sit down; they^peer into his mouth. Pantaloon runs his arm (apparently) down the fat man's throat and pulls out long links of sausages (made of muslin. ) Then Clown puts his arm down the fat man's throat and pulls out a lady's bustle. These articles are all under fat man's coat and pulled out to seem to come from his open mouth. Clown holds up the bustle and then throws it over light. Fat man squirms and kicks again saying he's worse. They com- pel him to lie on the floor. Clown gets a tin stomach-pump. A tin pump large enough to hold a live cat. The thick wire as a pumping rod or piston can be on the outside of the cylinder. They force the lower end of the pump into the fat man's mouth, then Clown pumps They raise the pump and open the lid and spill out a live cat. Fat man rises, thanks them, says he feels better, shakes hands with the doctors and exits R. much relieved. Doctors put away the ' 'prop. ' ' used, and shake hands with each other. Fish-horn is blown off R. and enter a fish peddler with a basket on R. arm. He comes C. They stop him and demand price of fish. The peddler says he is selling live crabs and lobsters. They express delight and say they love crabs and lobsters. As peddler talks to Clown, Pantaloon steals a crab and puts it in his pocket. Then peddler's attention is taken up by Pantaloon and Clown steals a crab and puts it in his pocket; then he puts his hand into the basket and slips his finger into a ring sewn into claws of a large (linen) lobster and withdraws his hand with the lobster clinging to it Yells, capers and expresses pain. Pantaloon comes over to aid him and gets the THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. u.S lobster fastened to his band. He yells and jumps and sbrieks for help. The peddler tries to rescue his lobster and gets it fast to his fingers. He yells, jumps and in wild antics exits R. with lobster clinging to his fingers or hand Clown and Pantaloon laugh at peddler's misfortune, when suddenly the crabs in their pockets bite them. Clown strikes his pocket, jumps, yells for help, etc., and then puts in his hand and takes out crab from pocket and flings it out A J . Pantaloon strikes at his pocket and takes out the crab after a violent struggle and flings it out L. Policeman followed by peddler enters R. Lively music as chase begins. Clown and Pantaloon run off L .followed by policeman, peddler, woman with baby and soldier, all running in eccentric manner. Then Clown returns by jumping down over the light from behind it and running down close to sheet and off R.\ Pantaloon next, then Policeman, Peddler, soldier and \\oinan last. Soon as all are off R. Clown returns close to sheet from K. at C., he turns and runs up stage and jumps over the light going upwards. Then Pantaloon, then police- man, then soldier, and last of all the woman. Soon as she jumps over the light, Clown and Pantaloon jump back again downward and roll down towards the sheet. Get on their knees, praying for mercy as a cardboard skeleton is dangled before the light, by someone stationed there. The skeleton will be of huge pro- portions and when shaken will appear to be grasping Clown and Pantaloon by the hair of tlirr heads. CURTAIN. 146 THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. FROLICS IN THE MOON* A SHADOW PANTOMIME. PROPERTY LIST. Sausage machine. (See description in pantomime.) Sign ' ' Sausage. ' ' (Letters cut to allow light to shine through them.) Money for Pantaloon. Imitation or live dog. (If imitation, have it on a thin board to glide along when pulled on by string.) Link of sausages, 6 or 7 feet long. Link of two sausages. Sign " Dentist." Chair. Old tools hammer, mallet, saw, auger, plyers and a large wooden tooth. (See description in pantomime itself.) Five profile fishes on a platter or in a pan. Hoop skirt and dress to be pulled oft tThis dress is made like a large apron. Woman unties the string and "walks out of it" as dress is pulled. Cot-bed. Axe. Knife. Cardboard hea -t. Cardboard skeleton, to work arm* and legs. (See description.) Broom. Boxing gloves for Clown and Panta- loon. Policeman's outfit for two persons. NOTE. It must be remembered that almost everything expressed must be done in pantomime and as noiselessly as possible. (Music Waltz, Very Piano. ) Clown and Pantaloon enter L. meet C. and shake hands ; point to R. and say: "Hello ! Somebody's coming." Enter two men R. with a sausage machine, a narrow box about ten feet high, and with a wheel to turn as if grinding. The men place the machine R. C. and Clown speaks to first man, asks nature of bust- ness machine. Man says: " It's a sausage machine, "and holds up a sign, show- ing letters "Sausage." Then hands the sign to his partner. Clown asks: THE WITMARK MINSTRKL GUIDE. 147 "How much for it?" Man shows with fingers that he wants fifteen dol- lars. Clown and Pantaloon search their pockets and find money ; pay it to man, who exits with his partner, jR. Clown and Pantaloon, delighted over their pur- chase, begin to look for "material." Enter a woman /,., leading dog by a string. Pantaloon engages her in conversation and Clown sneaks behind her and unties the dog and takes it in his arm. Lady exits A*. They put the dog in the machine and Pantaloon "grinds" it. Clown pulls out a link of sausages, about six or seven feet long. They are delighted. Clown throws sausages over the light. A fat man enters 1^ They are delighted with hi size, and motion to ead" other that he will make great lot of sausages The? invite Fat man to come over and inspect the ma- chine ; they coax him to peer into it ; then they seize him, and amid much bluster they force him into ma- chine, or rather behind it, where he crouches out of sight. Pantaloon "grinds" but no sausages appear. Clown orders him to grind faster, which he does. Clown peers into end of machine and pulls out two sausages ; shows them to Pantaloon and both are disgusted and shove the machine off into I\ . Fat man creeps off with it. Knter dentist L with sign " Dentist " He calls for assistance and Pantaloon enters R. t takes the sig~ and exists with it /.. Dentist rubs his hands as if expecting business. Ento victim with toothache L. Pantaloon brings a chair and victim is forced into it L Both peer into victim's mouth. Dentis-t sends Pantaloon after tools and he brings in auger, hammer, plyers, etc. ; drops them at victim's feet, who lumps up l alarm and seek?- to escape, but they force him into chair, and demand money Victim pays ; then Dentist puts auger into his mouth and works at tooth ; thej, gets a chisel and ham- mer and works at the tooth again ; then he gets the plyers and puts them into man's mouth and secures a large wooden tooth, which Pantaloon has brought in and holds ready. The plyers x catch the tooth by a nail in it's head. Dent- ist pulls and tugs in all shapes at the tooth; Victim squirms during this tugging. Then dentist puts his foot against the man's chest and with this brace he gives a long pull and draws out the tooth ; bolds it up to view. I 4 8 THE WITH ARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Victim exits R ; shaking head over successful operation. Enter Clown A*., Pant- aloon /,., motioning that someone is coming. Rnter woman with pan on her head, containing four or five profile cardboard fishes. They halt C., engage her in con- versation and Clown steals a fish and Pantaloon steals one, until pan is empty. Then, as woman (man) starts to exit A*. , Clown takes hold of her dress and it comes off, exposing her hoops worn over tight pair of pants ; Clown laughs and throws skirt (or dress) over the light, also the fish. They now show signs of being weary and want to sleep Pantaloon gets a cot-bed from L , places it L. C. and gets into it. Clown pulls Pantaloon out of the cot and gets into it himself. Pantaloon pulls Clown out and gets into bed. Clown exits A"., and returns with axe ; hits Pantaloon several times on head with axe ; then he gets a knife and pretends to cut into Pantaloon's breast, and pulls out a cardboard heart and holds it up to view. (The heart and knife were on the cot when brought out.) As Clown holds up the heart, a skeleton dangles before the light, grabbing at Clown, who in great terror sees it and runs out L ., partially pursued by skeleton, which now returns and frightens Pantaloon, who rises. In great terror, he shoves cot out /,., pursued and beaten by skeleton This skeleton is of cardboard, about three feet high, and the arms and legs are jointed like a "Jumping- Jack ; " this makes the arms and legs work in all shapes. A stout wire THE WJTWAKK MINSTREL GUIDE. 149 fixed to a block of wood in skeleton's head serves to hold it out over the light Soon as skeleton drives Pantaloon out /,., a ballet dancer runs out from J\. and dances a "Highland Fling," C. The dancer wears short skirts like a ballet girl. Afier the short "fling," the dancer runs out L. in eccentric manner. Then a man (dentist) enters R., woman /.. They meet C , and begin to embrace each other ; then they kiss. When they kiss for the second time, a woman (sup- posed to be girl's mother) runs out from B. with a broom and beats the man and woman off L Then enter Clown and Pantaloon R. and /,., with boxing gloves. They meet C. and begin a prize fight. They spar and dance away from each other several times. Then Clown strikes Pantaloon an upper-cut, and Pantaloon becomes a "Giant" in size and strikes down at Clown ; then he conies nearer to curtain and becomes natural size again. More sparring, and Pantaloon strikes Clown an upper-cut and becomes gigantic in size. Clown kicks and steps upon Pantaloon's head. Then comes close to curtain and becomes life-size. Both strike each other and both become giants ; spar, and come down to life-size ; suddenly, Clown strikes Pantaloon, who falls R. C. Then there is a shout of " Police ! " Clown and Pantaloon run out A'. Two policemen run across from L to R., followed by a woman in hoop-skirt Then Clown comes down over the light, runs down to curtain, then off into L. Pantaloon comes down over light and exits same way. Then the first po'.iceman and the second policeman, then the woman with hoops. Soon as she is out, Clown leturns L , comes to C., and runs up stage and jumps over the light ; then Pantaloon; then first policeman; then second polictman ; then the woman in the hoop skirt. Soon as she jumps over the light, a pair of hands (one of the policeman) is held over the ligh' ; one each side of it, and they will appear of tremendous size upon the sheet. Agitate the fingers as if grasping at an object, as the curtain descends. ( " Hurry" music throughout the finale.) CURTAIN. "In the Far East" 4 Japanese First Part Scene represents an oriental fete for which a plain " interior" can be used, or it can be given on a platform without scenery, but where a practical curtain can be hung. The "oriental atmosphere " must predominate and to accomplish this it is advisable to follow out the scheme of decoration given in opposite illustration. Such accessories as ^Japanese lanterns, fans, screens, mats, panels, bamboo floor cloths and curtains, small dolls and figures can be purchased at a most moderate price. Add to these electric drop lights and small bulbs and the scene will be orientally beautiful. All the members of the first part appear in Japanese make-up and Kimonos. The principal characters are drawn from "The Mikado," as follows: (NOTE This first part is suitable for male, female or mixed minstrels.) 1 ' Other Maids from School" Katisha ' ' Other Maids from School" (Female) -f (Female) Wandering Minstrels Mikado Wandering Minstrels (Male) Interlocutor (Male) Circle Circle Pitti Sing -f Pish Tush Pitti Sing -f Pish Tush Yum Yum + Poo Bah Yum Turn -f Poo Bah Peep Boo 4- Ko Ko Peep Boo -f Ko Ko (Female) Ends (Male) (Female) Ends (Male] It is suggested that this first part be given in Mongolian make-up, although the ends can black up if so desired. It is not necessary to introduce all oriental musical numbers, but it is more effective to " remain in the picture" as much as possible. <[. A surprise effect showing "Old and New Japan" can be realized by having the singers (not ends or middle men) underdressed in Tuxedo (dinner coat) suits, black ties and vests, and at a certain cue or during first refrain of song in the middle of the first part cross stage and exit in short-step Chinese fashion, remove kimono and return on next refrain of same song a la young College Jap in cake-walk steps to seat. Lady singers in the female first part can do the same, using as underdress white or light colored while shirt waist and dark skirt. Mongolian facial make-up and wig is to be retained for these changes Ideas for programs will be cheerfully furnished for either male or female performances on application. *A11 this material^ including electric lighting, can be fur- nished by The Crest Trading Co. See directory on following pages, DIRECTORY Japanese Specialties We can supply at reasonable prices Kimonos Scrolls Lanterns Incense Fans Gongs Umbrellas Parasols Screens Sandals Mats Napkins Dolls We will cheerfully give further information regarding Japanese decorations for entertain- ments, social gatherings, etc., on application. THE CREST TRADING CO. 144-146 West Thirty-Seventh Street. New York THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Directory. "The Amateur Entertainer" 236-Page Illustrated and Descriptive Catalog covering every style of Home, Church, School, Club, College and Lodge Entertainment for old and young people. : : : : : : : : : : w Minstrelsy including every necessity. Plays, Comedies, Dramas, Farces, including over 300 of the Famous Samuel French Edition, a most carefully select- ed list for Amateurs, Instruction and Guide Books on the Art of Acting, Reading, Speaking and Action, Scene Paint- ing, Practical hints on Costuming, Private and Stage Dancing, Bazaar of Fine Art Gallery, Mrs. Jarley's Famous Wax-works, Recitations, Speeches, Tableaux, Pantomimes, Drills, Marches, Charades, Ventriloquism. Musical Productions Grand, Light and Comic Operas. Wigs, Make-up, Costuming, Scenery. Magic, Conjuring Wonders, Coin and Card Tricks. In- genious Puzzles, Popular P>ooks on Magic, Secrets Exposed. Orchestra., Band, Mandolin. Guitar, Banjo and Glee Club Concerts. Musicales, Recitals, Monologues, Burlesques, Operettas and Novelty and Interesting Entertainments. Novelties, Requisites and Necessities for Amateur Per- formances. Musical and Noveltv Instruments and Accessories. THE ONLY CATALOG OF ITS KIND ABSOLUTELY FREE! THE CREST TRADING CO. 144-146 West 37th Street New York THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Directory MINSTREL OVERTURES, ( A The First Impression Generally Counts ! The first impression of a minstrel show is its opening chorus. Realizing this, we have devoted a great deal of time and thought to this particular subject, with the gratifying result that the WITHARK MINSTREL OVERTURES AND OPENING CHORUSES are built on the most perfect and practical systems known. They are compiled on original lines of 'catchy, popular and specially com- posed melodies, consistently dove- tailed, harmoni- ously blended with appropriate "busi- ness" that makes these overtures veritable musical kaleidescopes o f interest to all classes. The Witmark Minstrel Over- tures and. Open- ing* Choi uses are really a long felt want satisfied. The Piano and Vocal Scores, ( ha ndsome- ly bound) contains in a unique, yet comprehensive manrer, full in- structions and di- rections for bones, tambos, so as to derive " surprise " effects from them. '"Cues" for inter- locutor and ends. Particular atten- tion is paid to the voice arrangement of these overtures. as demonstrated by the improve- ment in Nos 'Z and 3, where the male and female voice parts are printed on separate system of staves, thereby freatly simplyfy- n g matters for study. The num- bers one and two have been used uy hundreds of organ- izations with the greatest vossible success. L,etu rs i,f endorsements galore. Not one dissenting communication ever received. Each Overture is also specially arranged and printed for full orchestra, in a manner m t too difficult, but effective. Each Overture also contains separate voice parts in octavo form. Handy and ex pen. -.e saving. Only 25c per part. Each Overture is so arranged that it can be used for female minstrels. To arrange an Overture similar to these, would involve a cost of at least $25. OO. Price of Overtures for Piano, Nos. 1,2,3 $1.1 each. , Price of Overtures for Orchestra, Nos. 1,2, 3 l.UOeach." Pric, s of Bones and Tambos contained in "WHAT'S WANTED FOB AMATEUR MIW- Send for Fifty page Catalogue, FREE, \^^ -^ -^R'CC COMPLETE, WORD6 MUSIC & PULL I N6TRUCTIONS. } ]? THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Directory. GAG AND JOKE BOOHS so zz No story-teller or entertainer can afford to be without these books :: As full of real humor as a nut is full of meat THE WITMARK GAG AND JOKE BOOK Frank Dumont's UP-TO-DATE END GAGS JOKES, CROSS-FIRES CONUNDRUMS FUNNY SAYINGS SHORT STORIES, ETC. most of which have been used with success by promi- nent professionals, a number of whom paid Mr. Dumont as much as $50.00 for one story to strengthen their acts, before this book was published. :: :: :: ;: 92 Pages of Humor, Price 5O Cents The New One PHLNNY PUNS By Frank Dumont The LatestfBook of TALKS, JOKES GAGS, ETC. suitable for all specialists. A tried collection of short stories, including (by request) two up-to- date spicy monologues The Essence of Wit Phunny Puns is a sequel to the Gag and Joke Book, and although a little different in construction, it is full up with just the material needed and sought for by the "always something new" entertainer. :: :: :: ;; Price, Fifty Cents These books are published as adjuncts to THE MIN- STREL GUIDE, and, like the GUIDE, are very much in demand. We have therefore decided to keep up this series of entertainingly instructive little volumes, and will gladly notify our friends who are interested as soon as they are issued. :: :: :: :: ;: ;; ;; ;; THE CREST TRADING CO. 144-146 West 37th St., N. Y. THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Directory, 44 CREST" TAMBOURINES THE STANDARD MAKE We Carry a Select Line Only finest Workmanship PRICE LIST No. Best Quality of Heads The Best in the Mar- ket for the Money 1. 10 inch Calfskin, 3 sets Jingles, Maple Rim, Fancy Painted $0.85 each No. 2. 8 inch .Calfskin, 3 sets Jin- gles, JNickel Plated Rim (Boys' or Ladies' Size) 1.35 " No. 3. 10 inch Calfskin, 6 sets German Silver Jingles, Nickel Plated Rim, Professional. A fine article 2.50 ** No. 4. 10 inch Calfskin, 12 sets Jingles, Maple Rim, Painted Red i.oo " THIS IS OUR BIG SELLER. No. 5. 8 inch Calfskin, 12 sets Jingles 1.25 " No. 6. 10 inch Calfskin, 14 sets Jingles, Skeleton Model 1.60 " Postpaid on receipt of price THE CREST BURNT CORK There is Cork and there is what some call "Cork." Good Cork is healthful for the skin, while the other is very injurious. We make only the best that is used by the most prominent professionals. The dif- ference in price is trivial, but the satisfac- tion obtained is worth three times the money. The Crest brand 'is especially prepared from the best possible ingredients and we stand ready to guarantee every box pur- chased. Price per Box, 50 cents Add 7 cents for postage. BONES Of various well-seasoned woods, and weights, as used by well-known professional end men. PRICE LIST No. 1. Black walnut, boys' size, 5% in., in sets of 4 pieces. $0.10 per set No. 2. Rosewood, boys' size, >y 2 in., in sets of 4 pieces. . .20 " No. 3. Rosewood, men's size, 7 in., in sets of 4 pieces 25 " No. 4. Cocoawood, boys' size, 5 l / 2 in., in sets of 4 pieces 30 " No. 5. Cocoawood, men's ::rs, 7 in., in sets of 4 pieces.. ... .8* * No. 6. Ebony, boys' size, 5 J / 2 in., in se.'s of 4 pieces 35 " No. 7. Ebony, men's size, 7 in., in sets of 4 pieces 10 " Add 6 C nts per Set for Postage CLAPPERS Patent, Flat Walnut, with 2 Flappers. Especially recommended for boys and ladies. ! Price per set of 1 "> <*-** -><;tpajp<.rr;r^ . ^- -- . . PRICE, FIFTY CENTS Sent postpaid on receipt of price THE CREST TRADING COMPANY = 144-146 West ayth Street NEW YORK THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Directory. POPULAR BOOKS ON MAGIC THE SECRET OUT. A book which explains Tricks with playing Cards, either by Sleight of Hand, Calculation or arrangement, by Confederacy, and by apparatus or specially prepared Cards ; tricks of Conjuring, and Legerde- main, with and without apparatus ; also a curious collection of Recreation in natural Magic, Magnetism, Chemistry and optics; entertaining Experi- ments, Puzzles, and Scientific Paradoxes, and Fireside Games for Family pastime. 400 pages of the best tricks in magic ; how to become a magician in a week. Everything is clearly explained and profusely illustrated. Price, postpaid, $1.50. THE MAGICIAN'S OWN BOOK. Thoroughly explains the Art of Conjuring ; Tricks by sleight of hand and with cards ; the Magic of Chemistry, Optics, Geometry, Numbers and Art ; Experiments in Electricity ; amusing Tricks and Puzzles ; all fully illustrated, so as to be easily understood and practised. One of the most extraordinary and interesting volumes published ; it cannot be surpassed for amusement. Price postpaid, $1.5O. PARLOR TRICKS WITH CARDS. A very thorough and profusely illustrated description of the manner of performing tricks with cards, either by dexterity of manipulation, by calculation and arrangement of the cards, by the aid of confederacy, and with special apparatus, with full instructions and diagrams for their construction. The majority of the tricks, if per- formed as directed, are marvels of deception. Price postpaid, 3O cents. THE FIRESIDE MAGICIAN; OR, THE ART OF NATURAL MAGIC MADE EASY. A scientific explanation of Legerdemain, Physical Amusement, Recreative Chemistry, Diversion with Cards, and of the myster- ies of Mechanical Magic as performed by Herr Alexander, Robert Heller, Robert Houdin, "The Wizard of the North,' and other distinguished conjur- ers, with explanatory engrnvings. 132 pages. Price, postpaid, 3O cents. THE PARLOR MAGICIAN; OR, ONE HUNDRED TRICKS FOR THE DRAAVING ROOM. Containing an extensive collection of Conjuring and Legerdemain, embracing Tricks with Dice, Dominoes and Cards ; with Ribbons, Rings and Fruit ; with Coin, Handkerchiefs and Balls, etc. The whole illustrated and clearly explained with 121 engravings. Price, postpaid, 3Oc. SHADOWGRAPHS. This is an instruction book on the art of shadow casting. It plainly tells how to cast shadows of different objects upon a screen or wall. Price, postpaid, 15 cents. BOOK OF 5OO CURIOUS PUZZLES. A large collection of curious puzzles, entertaining paradoxes, perplexing deceptions in numbers, amusing tricks in geometry. Illustrated with a great variety of engravings. Price, postpaid, 3O cents. HOWARD THURSTON'S CARD TRICKS. Modern expose of the best and latest card tricks, as performed by the author with such phenome- nal success, fully illustrated. Price, postpaid, 5O cents. PUZZLES. Illustrated explanation of various puzzles. Divided into three volumes, as follows : Arithmetical Puzzles, Miscellaneous Puzzles, Me- chanical Puzzles. Each volume separate. Price, postpaid, 4O cents each. HERMANN THE MAGICIAN. Illustrated book of his life, explain- ing the secret of his tricks and his numerous illusions. 298 pages. Price, postpaid, $1.0O. THE AMATEUR ENTERTAINER contains a selected list of Magi- cal Tricks, Conjuring Wonders, Ingenious Puzzles, etc. Sent free on application. THE CREST TRADING CO. 144-146 WEST 37th STREET :: NEW YORK THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Directory. * Plays, Comedies, Farces, Dramas, Charades, Recitations, Etc. Authorized AMERICAN AGENTS for SAMUEL FRENCH, LIMITED, LONDON Publishers of the largest catalog of English Speaking Plays in the World The Famous 15 cent Plays by Famous Authors Our list of plays, comedies, dramas, etc., has been carefully culled from the extensive catalog of SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD., London, and contains the titles and descriptions of over 300, together with a classification of styles and characters required, etc., in consecutive order. Much time and thought has been devoted to this selection which was made especially for our amateur clientele with the hope that the effort will be of service to those who want something in the play line but do not know " exactly what." Standard Plays. Modern Plays. Royalty Plays. Recent Play Successes. Complete list in " The Amateur Entertainer" free on application. The Crest "Washup ff Soap PURE CLEAR WHOLESOME Contains INo Tallow The utmost care should be taken when washing up, so as not to irritate the skin ; this depends greatly upon the soap you use. The Crest "Washup" Soap is the result of a most scienti- fic research, it has been thoroughly tested and is guaranteed pure and non- injurious in every way. It is made from Pure Hem- lock and White Pine Tar, with the finest quality of Vegetable and Mineral Oils. It is mild and antiseptic, does not irritate the skin, destroys the odor of perspiration, and lathers freely in hot, cold, hard, soft, fresh or sea water. 4 Good Soap is a great comfort THE CREST Price, 25 cents per cake, Packed and Sold Only in Aluminum Souvenir Boxes Add 6 cents for postage Very Convenient for Travelers The Crest Trading Company, 144-146 West 37th Street NEW YORK THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Directory. A PINE B00K Of S0N6S SUITABLE FOR : Glee Clubs and Other Entertainers. s IfllNSTREL $ONG ftOVELTIES CAN BE KOUND IN THIS WORK. / A SESSION "OVER-SHOULDER" READING, AN EASY MATTER WITH THB " PAW-COLLEGIATE COLLECTION." Cbe Pan=o1Icgiatc Collection of Songs . A selection of musical novelties adaptable to ell ** Universities, Academies, Glee Clubs, etc. : I : fVothingf of a local nature contained in this book. Jt & A BRAND NEW IDEA. J* & Thoroughly up to date in its conception, form and style. None of the old, stereotyped songs, but the latest, best and most suitable effusions by composers who have declared a new era in college songs. : : : PRICE, 50 CENTS. THE CREST TRADING COMPANY 144-146 WESTfayth STREET :: : : NEW YORK THE WITMARK MINSTREL GUIDE. Directory. "THE CR.EST' Popxila-r Sorvg Collections Just the thing for Winter Evening Socials and Singing Parties Should be in Every Home Price, 50 Cents Each Each song in these books sells separately for 50 cents CONTENTS No. 1 My Gal Is a High Born Lady. The Picture that Is Turned toward the Wall The Irish Jubilee. Her Eyes Don't Shine Like Diamonds. Africa's 400. My Girl Is a Winner. I Love You Best of All. God Save America. You Had Better Stay at Home, Lad. Pumpkin Pies that Mother Used to Make. At the Old Home To-Night. Give Me Your Eye. Think Once Again Before We Part. I Spy You. As I Sat upon my Dear Old Mother's Knee Oh, Clementine. Bring Back My Fisher Boy. In Harlem. I Wonder If She Ever Does Remember. And the Poor Little Maiden Went Crying. Johnny, My Old Friend John. The Whippoorwill's Call. You Never Loved Your Mother Half Enough. Blow, Blow, Softly Blow. The Village Choir. |Love Me. Maym, Maym, Come Tell Me that You Just Think of Your Mother. If Donovan's a Better Man Than J Am. He Reminds Her of His Father. Sights in a Dime Museum. Back Among the Old Folks Once Again. They Are, I Don't Think. Keep a Place at the Table for Jack. Her Father Has Turned the Dear Pic- ture Again. Wedding of the Lily and the Rose- Christofo Columbo. I Don't See Why They Should. Oh, You Great Big Darling. I'm in Love with the Man in the Moon. McKenna's Insurance. Stories Mother Told. You Gave Me Your Love. Roses To-Night. Always Together. Little Willie. CONTENTS No. 2 Always. All Bound 'Round with a Woolen String. All Coons Look Alike to Me. Because. ; Be Good, Be Good, My Father Said. Bom-Ba-Shay. Cake-Walk in the Sky. | Nice. Daddy's Gwine to Bring Yer Something Darktown Is Out To-Night. Dear Old Mother. Did He Get There? Everybody Takes His Hat Off to Me. Fireman's Dream. Good-Night, Baby Darling. Go to Sleep, My Honey. He Got Plenty. Her Memory Brings Me No Regret. I'll Sing Thee Songs of Araby. [of Wales. I'm the Bosom Friend of Albert, Prince Tes' a Misunderstanding with My Lady Lime Kiln Club. |Love. Little Church that Stood Upon the Hill. Ma Rainbow Coon. Ma Tiger Lily. Maybe. My Little 'Lasses Candy Coon. My Pretty Mountain Maid. Naughty Banana Peel. Nobody W'ants Me Now. Only One Girl in the World for Me. Open Your Mouth and Shut Your Eyes. She Knew a Lobster When She Saw One. Sweet. Sweet Love. Take Care of the Old Folks. [plained. There are Things that Cannot Be Ex- It's a Maid. Sweet Maid. What Would Your Answer Be?i When You Ain't Got No Money. Well, You Needn't Come 'Round. You Ain't Changed a Bit from What You Used to Be. Who Dat Sav Chicken in Dis Crowd. You Got to Play Ragtime. You Were the One I Loved the Best. Yew-Ra-Liarty. Young America. Fisherman's Bride. The Crest Trading Company tOKSSf New York RI 1C or to the of California Richmond, CA 94804-4698 reChar 9 ed ^ bringing JUL 1 9 2007 DD20 12 M 1-05 EY