LIBRARY 
 
 WirSRSffT 9f 
 CAUKJiMA 
 SAN OfEGO
 
 A FEW NEIGHBORS
 
 THE GREEK 
 PROFESSOR 
 
 with whom 
 we have 
 a bout 
 
 LATE LAMENTED 
 NEIGHBORS 
 The 
 
 stable proprietor 
 and his 
 truculent canine 
 
 OUR ERSTWHILE 
 FRIEND, THE 
 BLACKSMITH 
 
 "A generous 
 but fun-loving soul "
 
 A FEW NEIGHBORS 
 
 BY 
 
 HENRY A. SHUTE 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 Doubleday, Page C, Company 
 1906
 
 Copyright, 1006, by 
 Doubleday, Page & Company 
 Published April, 1906 
 
 All rights reserved, 
 
 including that of translation into foreign language!, 
 including the Scandinavian
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 I Our Previous Environment . . 5 
 
 II Our Present Neighborhood . . 13 
 
 III A Fashionable Rout .... 19 
 
 IV The Musical Immortals ... 31 
 V The Beef Trust 43 
 
 VI Our Office 55 
 
 VII Our Neighbors Children: 
 
 The Boys 70 
 
 VIII Our Neighbors Children: 
 
 The Girls 82 
 
 IX Our New Neighborhood ... 96 
 
 X Our Migration 109 
 
 XI En Route 123 
 
 XII The Joys of Moving .... 134 
 
 XIII Our Water Supply 147 
 
 XIV "False Dawn" 158 
 
 XV We Have a Small and Early . 171 
 
 XVI A Trade in Cows 183 
 
 XVII We Give a Temperance Address 198 
 
 XVIII "Correct Form" 207
 
 OUR PREVIOUS 
 ENVIRONMENT
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 OUR PREVIOUS ENVIRONMENT. 
 
 WE have moved from the neighborhood 
 in which we have lived many 
 years. The chief cause of our removal was 
 no lack of appreciation of the neighborhood 
 in our own heart, but a sort of homesickness 
 in that of our wife. 
 
 She had come from a city where people 
 were ceremonious, civil and well-bred, but 
 here were no neighbors with whom one 
 could exchange drawings of tea and hot flat- 
 irons, (in a friendly not a hostile spirit) and 
 gossip, and the thousand and one civilities 
 dear to the feminine heart. On the contrary,
 
 6 A Fezv Neighbors 
 
 we lived in the heart of the livery stable 
 industry, a neighborhood of hotels and "Liv 
 ery, Boarding and Baiting Stables," bounded 
 on the north by the back of a tenement house 
 and the bay window of a small dry goods 
 store, which our wife could never pass with 
 out buying an unreasonable number of wholly 
 unnecessary things; on the east by back 
 yards and sheds ; on the south by a tenement 
 house and a blacksmith shop, both across a 
 narrow street ; and on the west by two livery 
 stables and the back yard of a large hotel. 
 
 It was a lively neighborhood and we de 
 rived so much entertainment and amuse 
 ment from it as a boy, that we look back to it 
 with pleasure and affection. 
 
 There was always something happening 
 at the stable. Either the rivalry that existed 
 between the proprietors prompted, them to 
 keep bull-dogs, which absorbed the envious 
 and bitter spirit of their masters, and fought
 
 A Few Neighbors 7 
 
 savagely every time they met, thus further 
 embroiling their masters, and furnishing ad 
 ditional excitement; or hired-out horses 
 would come dashing back to the stable with 
 remnants of sidebar buggies dangling at their 
 heels, which happened with extraordinary 
 frequency. 
 
 Again, on Sundays and pleasant eve 
 nings in the warm season, the proprietors 
 and their horsey friends would sit in front of 
 their respective places of business, tilted 
 back in chairs, smoking and regaling one an 
 other with choice gossip and highly flavored 
 repartee, occasionally breaking off long 
 enough to enter the stable and forcibly eject 
 some drunken ostler who was taking a fall 
 out of the other assistant for old acquaint 
 ance sake. As the ejected one always came 
 forth with marked reluctance, his coat 
 dragged over his head and his unwilling feet 
 sticking stiffly out in front of him, scuffling
 
 8 A Few Neighbors 
 
 noisily, the entertainment afforded to the 
 neighborhood and the passers-by was lavish. 
 
 The blacksmiths, too, were generous souls 
 who frequently gave us permission to pick up 
 scraps of waste iron possessed of a certain 
 exchange value at the hardware stores. Al 
 most always there were among these some 
 pieces just cut from hot iron bars, which 
 burned us dreadfully, to the intense amuse 
 ment of these fun-loving gentlemen, and to 
 our no less intense amazement. 
 
 Frequently and with horrid profanity they 
 ducked our heads in the water-trough in 
 which they tempered their irons, when out 
 of revenge, in their temporary absence we 
 heated the handles of their tools to the 
 boiling point. They also used dreadful 
 language whenever we stood at a safe dis 
 tance and shot well-aimed pellets from a 
 sling, which caused patient horses that were 
 being shod, to rear and plunge around the 
 shop.
 
 A Few Neighbors 9 
 
 But with all these attractions to a boy of 
 an adventurous and inquiring disposition, it 
 was not an agreeable neighborhood for a 
 woman with a taste for society and a yearn 
 ing after mental improvement, nor for chil 
 dren who might there acquire lingual accom 
 plishments of a highly undesirable quality. 
 
 Therefore with an honest desire to favor 
 the proper development of our children, the 
 ambitious desires of our wife, and our own 
 professional advancement, we consented, al 
 though with repinings, to move. 
 
 The "Greek Quarter" in our town is so 
 named because of the highly intellectual at 
 tainments of its residents, among whom it 
 has the good fortune to number several pro 
 fessors of the Academy. As in other college 
 or school towns, the professors, the assist 
 ant professors, the instructors and their 
 wives and daughters form an exclusive inner 
 circle, to enter which is the ambition of every
 
 lo A Few Neighbors 
 
 Vieux-Riche, Nouveau-Riche, or Bourgeois. 
 
 Why this is so we cannot say, especially 
 in our own town. Time was when the mem 
 bers of families of acknowledged antiquity 
 and worth formed an exclusive society, but 
 within the last fifty years, as the descendants 
 of these same families have been compelled 
 to earn a livelihood in the more prosaic call 
 ings of keeping provision or grocery stores, 
 practising medicine or law, farming, placing 
 insurance, painting, or peddling fish, the 
 duty of maintaining the social and intellec 
 tual tone of the town has been thrust on the 
 shoulders of the Academy faculty, which in 
 addition to their other duties, is really too 
 bad. 
 
 Since the personnel of this Academy fac 
 ulty was of a heterogeneity quite impossible 
 to analyse or describe, and while we admired 
 and respected them individually and as a 
 glorious whole, we demurred somewhat
 
 A Few Neighbors II 
 
 about prostrating ourselves utterly before 
 their shrines, especially as in our college 
 days we had made the personal acquaintance 
 of and had sat under the instruction of men 
 almost their equal in their special lines of 
 study, such as James Russell Lowell, Fran 
 cis J. Child, William James, Ferdinand 
 Bocher, and Francis Bowen. 
 
 Besides, we felt that there were other 
 lines of thought and work in which a man 
 might exercise his intellectual faculties with 
 as much credit as in the acquistion and dis 
 semination of Greek, Latin, Mathematics 
 and the natural sciences. 
 
 We informed our wife what Lord Eldon 
 and Justice Blackstone said about the study 
 of law, and were informed by her that she 
 didn t care what they said or what they 
 thought, that her experience was that the 
 practise of law was rewarded with a very 
 skimpy income, and as for the study of it,
 
 12 A Few Neighbors 
 
 from certain intimations she had received, 
 she was reasonably sure that we had never 
 unduly strained our po/werful intellect by 
 studying anything, much less the law. 
 
 We cited instances of distinguished and 
 courteous gentlemen friends of ours, who 
 were members of our profession, and she re 
 torted that she could not say anything about 
 that because she had never seen them, but 
 from her observations of members of the lo 
 cal bar, certainly the study and practise of 
 the law had failed to impart a polish such as 
 is acquired by a knowledge of the classics. 
 
 While we were inclined to demur at her 
 conclusions, we felt that we had decidedly 
 the worst of the argument, and so deferring 
 to the prevailing opinion in the community, 
 we sought to get as near the charmed circle 
 as possible, in readiness to break through 
 whenever an opportunity was afforded.
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 OUR PRESENT NEIGHBORHOOD. 
 
 WELL, the time came for our mi 
 gration and with the assistance 
 of two men and a wheelbarrow we 
 transported our Lares and Penates to 
 our domicile in what may be known 
 as the Greek quarter. We are de 
 lighted with the change. In place of brick 
 and mortar walls we are surrounded by fifty 
 acres of field, river, swamp and woodland. 
 In place of zephyrs from the stables, we 
 have fog-laden east winds from our rugged 
 New England coast, which in winter blow 
 directly through our modest dwelling and 
 cause the shuddering quicksilver of our ther 
 mometer to retire promptly out of sight at 
 the bottom of the tube. We have exchanged
 
 14 ^ Few Neighbors 
 
 the yells of teamsters, the clatter of French 
 visitors at the blacksmith shop, the clang of 
 the anvil and the squealing 1 of tortured 
 horses, for the merry voices of children 
 (about thirty-six of the neighborhood accu 
 mulation critically superintended the disem- 
 barkment of our goods from the wheelbar 
 row) during the day, and for a sepulchral 
 quiet at night, suggestive of ghosts and 
 other post mortem characters. 
 
 We admire the house very much, although 
 having been from our earliest years accus 
 tomed to straight stairs, the landings bother 
 us a good deal, especially in the dark, when 
 we are frequently brought up with an irri 
 tating jolt against stair rails or corner brack 
 ets that appear to exercise both ingenuity 
 and malevolence in reaching out and strik 
 ing us in unprotected, super-sensitive places. 
 
 It was some time before we and our fam 
 ily got used to the polished floor of the
 
 A Few Neighbors 15 
 
 dining room, and any unguarded or abrupt 
 entry into that room was followed by vi 
 brant crash, as the unfortunate fell to the 
 floor with terrific violence. 
 
 Knowing, however, that the path to social 
 eminence is strewn with obstacles often in 
 surmountable, we have nursed our bruises, 
 studied faithfully our book on "Correct 
 Form," put on high collars and (when we 
 didn t forget it) tried hard to keep our shoul 
 ders back. 
 
 The neighborhood is clean, quiet, and 
 much more than "eminently respectable." It 
 is remarkable for dignity, solidity, impor 
 tance, and is, moreover, distinctly literary. 
 
 There is, of course, the member of the bar 
 bowed beneath the weight of learning, the 
 medical authority, the high churchman, and 
 the author, several professors connected with 
 the leading educational institutions of the 
 town, active and retired business men, music
 
 1 6 A Few Neighbors 
 
 teachers, instructors in art, in short the 
 usual assortment to be found in the good 
 quarter of a college town. 
 DRESS. 
 
 The question of dress has been a fruitful 
 subject of discussion in our family. It is 
 contended by our wife that we do not dress 
 well. This is true, we do not. As a boy we 
 were clad in the cast-off garments of our 
 elders, made over by an old lady whose en 
 tire outfit consisted of a pair of shears, a 
 darning needle, some yellow wax and a ball 
 of pack thread. Her sole idea of style and 
 fit was derived from the baggy and mis- 
 shapened garments of her helpmate, a bowed 
 and snuffy old gentleman of eighty years. 
 
 As a youth, we were so rarely treated to 
 a new suit that an event of the kind was 
 openly commented on by our friends. We 
 were embarrassed and made dreadfully un 
 happy by our glaring publicity and we have
 
 A Few Neighbors 17 
 
 never got over this feeling. We admire good 
 clothes, but dread wearing them, and in the 
 rare periods of our life that are marked by 
 the advent of a new hat, we are reduced to 
 confusion by the mildest comment on the 
 same. 
 
 Corduroys suited us. They were warm in 
 winter and cool in summer, they were 
 smooth and adaptable to every movement; 
 they were unobtrusive and homelike, and it 
 was in bitterness of spirit that we laid them 
 aside. 
 
 Most of the men in our neighborhood 
 dress well. On Sundays and festal occa 
 sions immaculatePrinceAlberts and silk hats 
 are by no means infrequent. As the season 
 grows colder, box overcoats appear, and we 
 are on the watch for the gradual invasion 
 of spats. As yet nobody has appeared in 
 them, but we still look for them confidently, 
 and even go so far as to hope that we may 
 not go through life spatless ourself.
 
 1 8 A Few Neighbors 
 
 CLASSICS. 
 
 Many of our neighbors have been abroad, 
 and their knowledge of foreign tongues is 
 polyglot. Both the dead and living lan 
 guages are read and spoken fluently. Greek, 
 Latin, Sanscrit, Old English, Anglo-Saxon, 
 French, German, Spanish and Italian are 
 fluently championed. Indeed, some of our 
 neighbors have written books, as well as ar 
 ticles both scientific and educational, and 
 some are even now engaged in well defined 
 efforts to revolutionize educational methods 
 by new and complete works of great philo 
 logical value. 
 
 Thus in the midst of surroundings of so 
 bewildering a nature, we are slowly becom 
 ing acclimated, gradually coming, like in 
 fants, to feel our feet and to walk a little. 
 Of our success and failures we shall speak 
 later in detail.
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 A FASHIONABLE ROUT. 
 
 WE had been in our new neighborhood 
 for a few weeks and had been well 
 received by the neighbors, many of whom, 
 irreproachably gowned and gloved, had 
 called on our wife. As these calls had been 
 for the most part in the afternoon, she was 
 spared any mortification that our unguarded 
 remarks or seedy appearance mignt have 
 caused her. But an invitation to the law 
 yer s house to meet some social lion opened 
 up to the eyes of our wife almost unlimited 
 opportunities in either direction. This was 
 duly impressed on us by our helpmeet, and 
 we were made to understand clearly that 
 upon our conduct and appearance everything 
 depended. Either our star would be in the 
 
 9
 
 2O A Few Neighbors 
 
 ascendant, or like the "Star of treason" in 
 the reading book, would "Descend to etern 
 al night." 
 
 With the view of avoiding this hideous 
 contingency, we set ourselves to work to un 
 dergo a vigorous course of mental training 
 to meet all demands of an intellectual na 
 ture that might be made upon us. We re 
 flected that we should meet the Greek pro 
 fessor, and at once waded into the Greek 
 articles "de" and "en" which we vaguely re 
 membered to have been a fruitful subject of 
 discussion in our far away school days. 
 
 We considered the probability of meeting 
 the Professor of Ancient History, and to 
 avoid the untoward results of a fall at the 
 hands of this gentleman, we hunted up an 
 old volume of Freeman s "Outlines of His 
 tory" and fell to with determination. 
 
 We knew that our French had been hope 
 lessly corrupted by our business association
 
 A Few Neighbors 21 
 
 with brickyard Canadians, and we took a 
 mental oath not to be led into any discussion 
 with the French Instructor, that called for 
 quotations in that tongue. We had mental 
 reservations of equal pungency as to our 
 ability to converse in the gutteral accents of 
 Deutschland, and so decided after deep 
 thought to avoid anything like an open en 
 gagement with the German Instructor, but 
 to confine ourself to a mild discussion of the 
 relative influence of Kant and Hegel from a 
 psychological point of view. 
 
 Hector Berlioz "Modern Orchestration" 
 gave us some ideas, chiefly dyspeptic, of the 
 progress in musical thought, while Lessing s 
 "Laocoon," a vague reminiscence of our 
 school days, furnished us with mental pabu 
 lum of an artistic nature. 
 
 In this way did we strive to fit ourself, at 
 least partially, to pass the social examination 
 that we felt was before us.
 
 22 A Few Neighbors 
 
 Another thing that disturbed us was the 
 necessity for wearing a dress coat. Our 
 wildest ambition had never before soared 
 above a cut-away. On one occasion, to at 
 tend a funeral, we had, in deference to the 
 occasion, purchased a Prince Albert and a 
 white necktie, in which we arrayed ourself, 
 and we shall never forget how, when our 
 carriage by mistake or design had left us 
 a mile from our house, we strode homeward, 
 amid the outspoken comment of the popu 
 lace, which wondered but rejoiced exceed 
 ingly over our metamorphosis. 
 
 Therefore, although we chafed sorely 
 over this necessity, we yielded, as so many 
 before us have yielded, to the force of cir 
 cumstances. 
 
 When the evening came for the social 
 event, we were keyed up to the highest poini., 
 possibly a trifle overtrained, but scenting 
 battle and eager for the trial. True, our un-
 
 A Few Neighbors 23 
 
 familiar harness put us at a disadvantage, 
 (we are never so comfortable as when we 
 have our hands in our pockets), and we must 
 confess that we were a trifle nervous and a 
 little muddled by the manifold directions of 
 our wife, who displayed a deplorable lack of 
 confidence in our generalship. 
 
 Owing to the extended and tiresome in 
 junctions of our wife, most of the guests had 
 arrived when we were announced, and the 
 din of general conversation was deafening. 
 This tended to put us at our ease, and as we 
 were hospitably and pleasantly welcomed by 
 our host we soon commenced to chirp and 
 try our wings a little. We had heard that 
 a good listener often gets the reputation of 
 being a brilliant talker, and had we acted on 
 that principle all would have been well. But 
 we were so loaded down with miscellaneous 
 information acquired during our week of toil, 
 that we must needs unload a little for the
 
 24 A Few Neighbors 
 
 benefit of someone, and so, after seeing our 
 wife engaged in earnest conversation with a 
 distinguished doctor of divinity over Wely s 
 offertoire in E flat, and the prospect of a vox 
 humana in the new organ, we proceeded to 
 tackle the Greek Professor. 
 
 WE MAKE THINGS LIVELY FOR THE PROFES 
 SOR OF GREEK. 
 
 Now the Greek Professor wanted to talk 
 about his baby boy s predilection for running 
 away, causing the neighborhood to or 
 ganize frequently into searching parties, and 
 we should have encouraged him, but 
 we artfully turned the conversation to 
 Greek and delivered the first blow, a 
 swinging right intended for a knock 
 out, upon Xenophon s use of the article "de." 
 The Professor ducked nimbly and countered 
 with a dissertation on the "Reason for the 
 early disuse of the digamma." 
 
 This was a staggerer for us, and as we
 
 A Few Neighbors 25 
 
 knew nothing about the digamma we came 
 up very groggy and sparred cautiously to 
 regain our wind. As the Professor was him 
 self a little winded from his exertions, we 
 put in an upper cut in the shape of an argu 
 ment that, while until recently the weight of 
 authority was with the Professor, Professor 
 Littleoffski, of the University of St. Peters 
 burg, had written a dissertation in which he 
 claimed that the digamma was used as late 
 as the Christian era. 
 
 This proved an extinguisher for the Pro 
 fessor and he promptly went down and out, 
 and we turned to demolish a new opponent. 
 
 WE ENGAGE THE PROFESSOR OF ANGLO 
 SAXON. 
 
 We met him in the person of Professor of 
 English and Anglo Saxon, a most dignified 
 and courteous gentleman of about our age. 
 Like the Professor of Greek, this gentleman 
 was peaceably inclined and showed a marked
 
 26 A Few Neighbors 
 
 preference for conversation upon topics that 
 ordinarily would have interested us keenly, 
 but his innate courtesy would not allow him 
 to baulk our evident desire to discuss the 
 radical kinship existing between the Anglo 
 Saxon and the ancient German dialects, and 
 the influence on the former of the seven 
 invasions of England by the Teutonic races. 
 We found the Professor so well posted on 
 this subject that we were put to great straits 
 to maintain our position. Seeing our dis 
 tress, the Professor pressed us so hard that 
 we were rapidly breaking ground, when as if 
 by inspiration we staggered the Professor by 
 claiming with much apparent frankness, that 
 while we did not doubt the Professor s pro 
 found erudition on a subject about which we 
 knew but little, we were quite sure that Da- 
 fydd ab Gwilym, one of the leading Welsh 
 poets and scholars, took the opposite view, 
 and we completed his bewilderment by im-
 
 A Few Neighbors 27 
 
 provising the following sweet little Welsh 
 gem, in support of our proposition : 
 
 "Fjrrd glymra edrijj gnuirrg 
 Balr kymric dnaric edulbrrj." 
 
 The Professor was utterly unable to an 
 swer this argument and retired in great dis 
 order, while several of the guests who were 
 listening to the discussion regarded us with 
 deepest veneration. 
 
 THE BURSTING OF THE BUBBLE. 
 
 For a while our efforts to engage someone 
 in discussion upon scientific or classical 
 points were fruitless, as the guests for some 
 reason, unaccountable to us, preferred to 
 talk on topics of everyday interest, golf, foot 
 ball, rummage sales, politics or housekeep 
 ing. 
 
 But at last we succeeded in getting the 
 Professor of History into a corner and at 
 once engaged him. For a while he kept us
 
 28 A Fczu Neighbors 
 
 from historical discussion by artfully talking 
 about his horse and trying to awaken an in 
 terest in the subject by asking us what had 
 become of our riding pony and other ques 
 tions of common and kindly interest, but in 
 vain, for we deftly turned the conversation 
 to historical topics by drawing a parallel be 
 tween the modern Kentucky singlefooter and 
 the sumpter mule that Alexander rode in his 
 campaigns. 
 
 To this the Professor of History, now 
 fairly at bay, took exception, claiming that 
 Alexander never rode a mule, but that, on 
 occasions of actual battle, he descended from 
 a gorgeous palanquin and mounted a mag 
 nificent charger. 
 
 Several sharp exchanges took place be 
 tween us, in which the Professor of History, 
 thoroughly at home in his subject, had rath 
 er the advantage, and the discussion attract 
 ed several persons to our vicinity, among
 
 A Few Neighbors 29 
 
 whom was the Professor of Greek. Wish 
 ing to demonstrate the correctness of our 
 theory and to extinguish the Professor of 
 History, we remarked that we were quite 
 correct in our premises, having recently read 
 it in the original Latin of Demosthenes. 
 
 There was a dreadful pause, broken by 
 the clear and incisive accents of the Profes 
 sor of Greek, who said dryly, "Mr. S is 
 indeed fortunate in being singled out for the 
 unique distinction of having read Demos 
 thenes in the original Latin. Such of us 
 who have read him only in the Greek con 
 gratulate our friend." 
 
 The circle broke up and we were left 
 standing with a ringing in our ears and a 
 blur before our eyes through which we dim 
 ly discerned the crimsoned countenance of 
 our wife, who had approached the group in 
 time to witness our discomfiture.
 
 30 A Few Neighbors 
 
 SYMPATHY WITH THE AFFLICTED. 
 
 The arrival of refreshments diverted ats 
 tention from us, and we improved the occa 
 sion to take a hurried walk. 
 
 "Forth from out of the mighty forest 
 Rushed the maddened Hiawatha." 
 
 On our return we hung around the entry 
 and kept very quiet until the time came for 
 our departure. As we walked musingly and 
 sadly homeward, our wife feelingly re 
 marked that if we had paid as much atten 
 tion to our book on "Correct Form" as we 
 had to looking up information about which 
 nobody cared, we should have known, with 
 out having everyone laughing at us, that it 
 was not the proper thing to button up our 
 dress coat. 
 
 And thus we were forcibly brought to a 
 realizing sense of the truth of Scott s lines : 
 "Oh, woman in our hour of ease, 
 
 When pain and anguish wring the brow 
 A ministering angel thou."
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 THE MUSICAL IMMORTALS. 
 
 ONE peculiarity of our neighbors is 
 that they insist upon having the best 
 of everything within the limits of their 
 purses. They are careful not to overstep 
 that limit, having in mind Micawber s ad 
 vice to David Copperfield, "Annual income 
 twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen 
 six ; result, happiness. Annual income twen 
 ty pounds, annual expenditure twenty 
 pounds ought and six ; result, misery." 
 
 The result is they are prosperous, happy, 
 and enjoy to the utmost the best of the good 
 things within their reach. It is sometimes a 
 question with us if they are not too progres 
 sive even in their enjoyments. For instance, 
 is it necessary to abandon Mark Twain, 
 
 31
 
 32 A Few Neighbors 
 
 dette and Bill Nye, because we prefer Stock 
 ton, and do we not lose on the whole by turn 
 ing a deaf ear to Balfe, Rossini, Verdi, 
 Suppe and Sullivan, because we are deter 
 mined to cultivate a taste for Tschaikowski, 
 Greig, Svendsen and McDowell? 
 
 This was our thought after having 
 attended an evening given under the 
 auspices of the fites Vous Musicians" 
 Club, recently born in our neighborhood. 
 This club consists of forty fair women 
 and brave men whose souls are attuned 
 to harmony, and whose admission to 
 the club depends partly upon their ability or 
 willingness to contribute the modest stipend 
 necessary to the accumulation of a fund to 
 procure the attendance of professional and 
 distinguished amateurs; and partly upon 
 their eligibility, either as musicians or music 
 lovers, or their desirability in having houses 
 conveniently adapted for musical evenings, 
 and pianos of recent vintage.
 
 A Few Neighbors 33 
 
 Several times during the season a musical 
 evening is held at the home of one or other 
 of the members; the person throwing open 
 his house and his piano, being assisted by 
 the other members contributing refresh 
 ments. These evenings are both enjoyable 
 and instructive, and the only change in the 
 schedule has been the gradual abolition of 
 the refreshment contributions. Most host 
 esses prefer to have entire charge of that de 
 partment after one experience in contribu 
 tions ranging from Sultana rolls to caraway 
 seedcakes. 
 
 WE ARE WILLING TO PROMOTE MATTERS. 
 
 We attended the preliminary meeting. We 
 had been in youth a performer of consider 
 able vigor upon certain wind instruments of 
 brass or wood, and so generous in dissemi 
 nating the fruits of our skill at church soci 
 ables and small local entertainments that the 
 projectors of these entertainments had had
 
 34 ^ Few Neighbors 
 
 great difficulty in escaping from our benefac 
 tions, and had been finally forced to remon 
 strate with us. 
 
 So when it was suggested at this meeting 
 that the club should procure the services of 
 some instrumental performers, we suggested, 
 from a real desire to do a friendly action, a 
 willingness on our part to perform a solo 
 upon the tuba. This offer was courteously 
 received, but it caused evident consternation, 
 and we were politely informed that the tuba, 
 while a good vehicle for the interpretations 
 of Sousa, or Thatcher, Primrose & West, 
 quite failed to convey the musical thoughts 
 expressed in the compositions of Beethoven, 
 Mozart or Saint-Saens. 
 
 This rebuff, however, did not diminish 
 our interest in the club, and we were on 
 hand in good season for the initial perform 
 ance perhaps a little too early, our wife 
 rather coldly said, when our unexpected ar-
 
 A Few Neighbors 35 
 
 rival caused a tremendous scrambling to fol 
 low our ring. We were admitted by a 
 flushed and breathless young lady and 
 shown into the music room. In a few mo 
 ments our host and hostess appeared, and 
 with true courtesy took the blame for being 
 late upon their own shoulders. 
 
 One by one the guests appeared, and with 
 them the musicians. We have neglected to 
 mention that a violinist and cellist had been 
 engaged, but, to save expense to the club, 
 our wife had been depended on to furnish 
 the piano part of the entertainment. She 
 had received the music by express from the 
 violinist, and had for several days occupied 
 all her spare time in doing hideous and un 
 speakable things on her piano. 
 
 ART FOR ART S SAKE. 
 
 The chief attraction of the evening was to 
 be a trio for violin, cello and piano, a classic 
 of acknowledged excellence and full of rec-
 
 36 A Few Neighbors 
 
 ondite ideas. We could not quite fathom 
 the intention of the author expressed in the 
 work, and so cannot give anything more 
 than a description of the piece as it appeared 
 to us. 
 
 The three instruments started off together 
 and ran side by side with amiable unanimity, 
 but soon the violin left the others and 
 climbed to an astonishing elevation, leaving 
 the piano gazing after it in silent amaze 
 ment, while the cello hoarsely begged it to. 
 descend. This in musical parlance is called 
 a cadenza. The violin descended very grace 
 fully about half the distance, when, becom 
 ing uncertain of its foothold, the cello and 
 piano sprang to its assistance and the three 
 came down with dizzy speed, landing in a 
 heap with a deafening crash of diminished 
 sevenths. 
 
 The violin was the first to disentangle 
 itself. It wailed pitifully molto doloroso solo,
 
 A Few Neighbors 37 
 
 answered after awhile by deep groans from 
 the cello and soft chords from the piano. 
 
 Presently they all felt better, and the violin 
 led them a merry chase con agilita, while the 
 cello skipped over the chromatic scale forte 
 mezzo, both trying to distance the piano, 
 which refused to be shaken off, and struck a 
 steady pace, boom tink-a-tink-tink, boom 
 tink-a-tink-tink, boom a-tink, tink, tink, tink, 
 tink, tink, tink, a tempo giusto to the end of 
 the movement, when the cello gravely re 
 proved the violin and showed considerable 
 irritation over the matter, got real mad, in 
 fact, molto furioso. The violin answered 
 the cello con dellcatezza, and was joined by 
 the piano grandioso et con expressione, but 
 this had no effect on the cello, which still 
 said a good many things that had better 
 have been left unsaid. 
 
 Finally the violin, growing tired of this, 
 whispered softly a moment to the piano, and
 
 38 A Few Neighbors 
 
 both started at a terrific pace, leaving the 
 cello to cut frantically round a corner to keep 
 up with the procession, and by a succession 
 of desperate sprints to succeed finally in get 
 ting upon even terms with the other two, 
 who were making the race of their lives for 
 the first position. 
 
 The violin tore over the shrieking chro 
 matics until its bow became red hot and 
 smoked like a stuffed chimney; the cello 
 fought its way through a maze of musical 
 underbrush until sparks fell in showers from 
 its G string, while the piano in its hasty 
 flight shed sharps and flats, cast aside aug 
 mented sixths, minor thirds, primes, domi 
 nant sevenths, tonic sol fas and all other mu 
 sical impedimenta that tended to retard its 
 speed. 
 
 On they went, straining every nerve, until 
 just as the excitement was getting insupport 
 able there was a momentary pause at the last
 
 A Fezu Neighbors 39 
 
 bar, the violin leaped high in air, the cello 
 crawled under it, and the piano crashed 
 through it, scattering broken chords in every 
 direction, and all three breasted the tape side 
 by side in an appalling uproar of shrieks, 
 growls and rumbles. 
 
 How the people clapped, how they shouted 
 "bravo," "bravissimo," and how we also said 
 "bravo," and would have said "bravissimo," 
 but for fear of being hopelessly entangled in 
 the syllables. We were delighted and openly 
 proclaimed that fact, in truth we proclaimed 
 it several times in order to be quite sure of it 
 ourselves, and to drown our unspoken regret 
 over the tuba episode. 
 
 THE HUMAN VOICE THE NOBLEST INSTRU 
 MENT. 
 
 When we had recovered sufficiently to 
 glance at our programme, we found that the 
 next piece was a song for soprano, and as 
 we looked up we saw that the lady in ques-
 
 4O A Few Neighbors 
 
 tion had already taken her place, while the 
 music teacher was playing a beautiful, rip 
 pling prelude, calculated to put the soprano 
 at her ease and to adjure her not to be in the 
 least afraid of anyone. 
 
 Her confidence reassured by this gentle 
 encouragement, the soprano asserted in a 
 clear, melodious warble: 
 
 " Donatemi un organo di mano ed uno stiletto." 
 There being nobody to dispute her, the 
 pianiste, through the medium of her instru 
 ment, replied that she didn t know really, but 
 that there was probably some good reason. 
 The soprano, thus encouraged, proceeded to 
 insist vehemently : 
 
 "Ah, perche sono imbecillita condonata?" 
 
 To which the pianiste replied that sfie 
 thought so too, and that the matter ought to 
 be attended to at once. 
 
 Things got worse instead of better, the
 
 A Few Neighbors 41 
 
 soprano becoming almost hysterical, and the 
 pianiste keeping- up a running commentary, 
 highly sympathetic and encouraging to the 
 soprano, who finally used up all her kinetic 
 energy in a sustained whoop in C natural, 
 while the pianiste s hands flew from one end 
 of the keyboard to the other in her ready 
 womanly sympathy with one in trouble. 
 
 Again we shouted "bravo," again we 
 clapped vigorously, and again we beamed 
 round upon the audience as if to assure them 
 that we understood it all. 
 
 During the refreshments we took occasion 
 to congratulate personally all the performers 
 and to assure the host and hostess that it 
 was really delightful, "So different, you 
 know, from the popular class of entertain 
 ments in which true musical interpretation is 
 too often sacrificed to mere technical virtuos- 
 ity." 
 
 Then we went homeward, stepping high,
 
 42 A Few Neighbors 
 
 in great good humor with ourselves and con 
 scious that we were beginning to appreciate 
 really good music, and to turn a cold shoul 
 der to mere insensate melody.
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE BEEF TRUST. 
 
 WHEN and where the conspiracy was 
 hatched we never have been able to 
 find out, but we are inclined to think it was 
 first broached at the Frauenverein, a univer 
 sal knowledge association to which our wife 
 and other misguided but ambitious women 
 belonged. 
 
 The subject that day had been the "Boston 
 Tea Party," and the members had been con 
 sidering, furthermore, resistance to unlawful 
 oppression of every kind. As generally hap 
 pens in the discussions of ladies who are col 
 lectively responsible for the existence of 
 some thirty-six children, and the mainten 
 ance of a round dozen of happy American 
 homes, thoughts at once turned to the exac 
 tions of grocers, butchers and other dealers 
 
 43
 
 44 A Few Neighbors 
 
 in the supplies upon which the maintenance 
 of these homes and the existence of these 
 children depend. 
 
 A particular grievance enlarged upon v r as 
 the unusually high price the neighborhood is 
 in the habit of paying the local provision 
 dealers for unreasonably small and appal 
 lingly tough cuts of beef. 
 
 One lady, whose family is numerous and 
 hearty to an astonishing degree, declared 
 that it was "positively dreadful" the sum of 
 money she had to pay out of her weekly al 
 lowance for meat. Another, whose early 
 life had been spent in the west, where prime 
 cuts are supposed to grow on bushes, and 
 tenderloins to be raised without difficulty in 
 window gardens, declared the quality of 
 meat provided in Exeter to be so exceedingly 
 poor, that in the three years she had been in 
 New England she had not succeeded in buy 
 ing a decent roast.
 
 A Few Neighbors 45 
 
 Upon this, another lady, who claimed a 
 large share of the juvenile population of the 
 neighborhood, explained that some of the 
 "N Yorkers" and Bostonians bought the 
 goods they needed in large quantities, and 
 therefore at such prices as effectually pro 
 tected them from the rapacity and extortion 
 of local dealers. She did not see why they 
 could not begin to administer their house 
 hold affairs in a similar co-operative fashion, 
 and if successful, and of course there could 
 be no doubt about that, to increase gradually 
 their dealings so as to embrace, not only 
 household supplies, but pianos, furniture, 
 clothing, sealskin sacques, watches, articles 
 of virtu and precious stones. 
 
 The scheme interested the ladies very 
 much, and the foundations were then and 
 there laid of a plan calculated, not only to 
 revolutionize the law of supply and demand 
 in every quarter of the town, but materially
 
 46 A Few Neighbors 
 
 to increase the purchasing power of every 
 dollar that passed into the hands of its praise 
 worthy originators and architects. 
 
 Several meetings were held by the ladies, 
 the details of which we have never been able 
 to obtain, but the momentous results we 
 know, our whole neighborhood having ex 
 perienced their full measure of bitterness. 
 
 The first sign of anything out of the com 
 mon having transpired, appeared one day in 
 the early cold weather when we returned 
 somewhat unexpectedly from our office to 
 our home to get the office key ; it being one 
 of our eccentricities to leave our office key at 
 the house and to be obliged to return for it, 
 thinking and sometimes saying dreadful 
 things. On this particular occasion we no 
 ticed a two-horse, covered conveyance being 
 driven away from the house, followed by 
 three dogs with heads erect in the sniffing 
 manner peculiar to dogs in pursuit of a 
 butcher s cart.
 
 A Few Neighbors 47 
 
 On entering we found the kitchen table 
 loaded with a prodigious amount of fresh 
 beef, which we were informed was all ten 
 derloin, and from one animal, bought at a 
 greatly reduced price. 
 
 Although the possibility of one hundred 
 pounds of tenderloin from one animal rather 
 conflicted with our ideas of the anatomy of 
 "beef critters" gained from our studies of 
 comparative anatomy and physiology of ver 
 tebrates, and could only be explained on the 
 ground that the animal in question must 
 have been afflicted with elephantiasis of the 
 tenderloin district, we said nothing harsh, 
 but bowed our back beneath the load of beef 
 as we obediently lugged it upstairs to a cold 
 closet, making several trips for the purpose, 
 while our wife complacently explained to us 
 how, by the expenditure of eight dollars and 
 forty-six cents, she had saved at least four 
 dollars and thirty-two cents, possibly more.
 
 48 A Fczv Neighbors 
 
 She also informed us that several other 
 ladies in the neighborhood, whose names out 
 of respect to their families we firmly decline 
 to publish, were parties to this nefarious un 
 dertaking, and had also taken stock in the 
 trust for a large amount in pounds, both 
 avoirdupois and sterling. 
 
 We said more, and on our return to din 
 ner found a juicy roast awaiting us. Albeit 
 a trifle tough, it was very fair and we felt 
 constrained to compliment our wife by eat 
 ing a huge amount. At supper, contrary to 
 our usual custom, we had "Boeuf a la mode," 
 with beef croquettes, so we went to bed with 
 the hiccoughs and arose in the morning with 
 our mouth tasting as if we had eaten a light 
 ed firecracker. 
 
 Our breakfast consisted of beefsteak 
 smothered in onions, and we noticed during 
 the morning that the usual visitors to our of-
 
 A Few Neighbors 49 
 
 fice made extraordinarily short visits. Our 
 dinner consisted of: 
 
 Soupe de boeuf a merveille, 
 Boeuf au pot chaud comme diable. 
 Croquettes de boeuf, 
 Boeuf Lyonnais. 
 
 When we got back to our office we were in 
 a state of turgidity frightful to contemplate, 
 and did nothing but stare vacantly from the 
 window and emit hollow groans. 
 
 At supper we had the whole procession 
 pass before our fevered vision again, al 
 though we were not in a condition to add 
 anything to our already harvested crop. 
 (This word is used in its ordinary sense and 
 not as applicable to the domestic fowl.) 
 
 "BALMY SLEEP/ 
 
 That night we dreamed we were chased by 
 a mad bull, with red fiery eyes, and that in 
 trying to escape him we stumbled over huge 
 steaks, chops, roasts, hides and horns till we
 
 50 A Few Neighbors 
 
 finally fell into a river of tallow from which 
 we awoke gasping. It was still early, but we 
 took a walk, hoping that the morning air 
 would make us feel a little better, as we had 
 difficulty in persuading ourselves that we 
 had not swallowed a school globe. 
 
 We did not go back to breakfast, but dur 
 ing the forenoon quarreled bitterly with the 
 lawyer over a matter that we had amicably 
 arranged a few days before ; called down our 
 clerk for some fancied error, and sentenced 
 several unfortunates who were brought be 
 fore us to long terms in the penitentiary. 
 
 On our way home we made up our mind 
 to snub the Professor of Greek and the Pro 
 fessor of Mathematics if we should meet 
 them. We did meet them and they snubbed 
 us in the most galling fashion. 
 
 Our dinner, well, never mind our dinner, 
 we don t like to think of it even now, suffice 
 it to say that our wife had exhausted the tit-
 
 A Few Neighbors 51 
 
 termost resources of the cook book, and beef 
 of all kinds appealed in vain to our tortured 
 stomach. Of course we ate something, but 
 as everything tasted just the way parlor 
 matches smell, the result was not encourag 
 ing. 
 
 When that evening our wife informed us 
 that she was making ready to corn some of 
 the infernal stuff, pardon our heat, we decid 
 ed that something must be done the next 
 day, and we lay awake for some time trying 
 to devise a way_ out of the difficulty. 
 
 We revolved in our mind the possibility of 
 sneaking out during the night and throwing 
 the meat away, but dismissed that as imprac 
 ticable, and finally fell asleep to be chased in 
 our dreams by a headless heifer, and to wake 
 in the morning with sadly impaired digestion 
 and a racking headache. 
 
 As we took our seat at the breakfast table 
 to our frugal repast of five different prep-
 
 52 A Few Neighbors 
 
 arations of beef, a bright idea occurred to us. 
 Alas, our bright ideas are generally so "ex 
 post facto" as to have little connection with 
 the state of things to which they are sup 
 posed to relate, and if the idea had occurred 
 to us earlier, we and the lawyer, the profess 
 or, and the instructor, the retired business 
 man and a number of other wholly innocent 
 people might have been spared much misery 
 and considerable expense. 
 
 DIPLOMACY. 
 
 It is our custom to read such portions of 
 the morning paper to our family as may be 
 interesting or instructive to the different 
 members thereof. After reading several 
 items we braced ourselves and with great 
 seriousness improvised the following : 
 
 "Tuberculosis in K . Our K 
 
 correspondent writes that several cows 
 suffering from tuberculosis belonging to 
 the fine herd of , were on Mon-
 
 A Few Neighbors 53 
 
 day condemned by a member of the 
 State Board of Health and ordered to be 
 killed. Two cows belonging to the herd were 
 last week sold to local provision dealers. It is 
 not known whether or not these cattle were 
 affected by the disease. The prompt action of 
 the authorities is most commendable." 
 
 Our wife somewhat hastily laid aside her 
 choice bit of "Boeuf cuit au gout de la 
 Reine" and looked at us aghast. Our son, in 
 gross violation of the proprieties, promptly 
 deposited the mouthful he was at that time 
 negotiating upon his plate, and ejaculated 
 "Gosh !" in a horrified tone. 
 
 Further demonstrations were checked by 
 our remarking that while we thought there 
 was but little chance of our investment com 
 ing from the infected herd, still as it came 
 from the locality in question, it would per 
 haps be as well to get the remainder under 
 ground as soon as possible. 
 
 So while we and our son superintended
 
 54 A Few Neighbors 
 
 the burial rites of our portion of the trust 
 our wife undertook a hurried round of visits 
 throughout the neighborhood, and before we 
 left for our office we saw the Professor vig 
 orously digging a hole in his back garden, 
 while the lawyer with a spade over his shoul 
 der, whistling gaily and accompanied by his 
 three boys bearing a heavy bag, was making 
 for the grove behind his house. Similar ser 
 vices were held in several other households 
 belonging to the trust. 
 
 We have made up our quarrel with 
 the lawyer, we greet the Professor and 
 the instructor gaily, are greeted in re 
 turn with urbanity, and the cloud of 
 dyspeptic misunderstanding that once hung 
 low over the neighborhood has been dissi 
 pated by the sun of neighborly good feeling. 
 
 It is some time since we have heard any 
 thing about co-operative purchasing.
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 OUR OFFICE 
 
 IT may strike one as absurd to endeavor 
 to embody in a series of sketches any 
 description of our office, but the fact that the 
 income derived from the maintenance of our 
 office and from that alone enables us to occu 
 py a residence in the Greek Quarter, in a 
 measure identifies our office with that fa 
 vored locality. 
 
 For quite a number of years we have been 
 engaged more or less actively in the prac 
 tice of law. We have never quite decided 
 just what our position in life or choice of 
 profession should have been. On mature re 
 flection, we are quite certain that we made a 
 mistake in our choice, but, upon attempting 
 to follow our train of logical thought to any 
 55
 
 56 A Few Neighbors 
 
 logical conclusion, we are never able to sat 
 isfy ourselves just where the mistake lies. 
 
 Law, medicine, pedagogy, we have 
 thought of again and again, always leaving 
 leaving the ministry out of the question, for 
 reasons obvious to our acquaintances. 
 
 We occupy offices in a large, commodious 
 building on the main business street of our 
 delightfully progressive and heavily taxed 
 town. Our little community embraces a 
 considerable range of business activities. Di 
 rectly behind our office is that of Mr. F., 
 lawyer and law maker, either busily engaged 
 in disentangling hopelessly bewildered liti 
 gants from business snarls, or devoting his 
 entire attention to the task of typewriting 
 the impromptu speeches with which he in 
 tends to dazzle north country legislative 
 lights at the "Great and General Court." 
 
 Across the way, the two giant corporations 
 which control the ice and water industries of
 
 A Few Neighbors 57 
 
 our municipality have joined hands, and in 
 the intervals of rest the officers of these cor 
 porations are wont to while away the dreary 
 hours playing "Sixty Three," or "Penuckle," 
 and smoking cigars of the most venomous 
 type. 
 
 The last two offices are occupied by den 
 tists. That both are busy men is amply 
 proven by the daily, frightful smells of ether 
 or burnt rubber, and the frequent shrieks and 
 dreadful imprecations wafted heavenward by 
 their patients. 
 
 We keep two clerks. Our object in so do 
 ing is two fold : firstly to deceive the pub 
 lic as to the magnitude of our business af 
 fairs, and secondly to entertain the many vis 
 itors who come to our office in search of en 
 tertainment solely. A great many callers 
 pass in and out of our door, a good many of 
 them in search of Mr. F., a few, mostly book 
 canvassers, in search of us, and the remain 
 der to visit our clerks.
 
 58 A Few Neighbors 
 
 BUSINESS CARES. 
 
 We spend most of our time in our back 
 office, listening to the merry chatter of the 
 young people in the front office, the click of 
 Mr. F. s typewriter, the racy conversation of 
 the card players and the groans of the tor 
 tured in the dental parlors. A knock at the 
 door and we throw aside our novel and pre 
 tend to be busily writing as we shout, "Come 
 in!" 
 
 Enter an honest yeoman. "Be you Mr. 
 F;" he queries. 
 
 "No sir, Mr. F. s office is next door." 
 
 "Good day, sir." 
 
 "Good day, sir." 
 
 Half an hour later, another knock. "Come 
 in !" we shout, applying ourself as before. 
 
 Enter well dressed stranger, evidently 
 from the city. 
 
 "Mr. F. in?" 
 
 "No sir, Mr. F. s office is next door."
 
 A Few Neighbors 59 
 
 "Excuse me for bothering you." 
 
 "No bother, good day, sir." 
 
 Ten minutes later, timid knock. Enter 
 old lady. "Mr. S. in?" 
 
 "I am Mr. S.," we assure her. 
 
 To our delight she sits down, opens a reti 
 cule, takes out several fat documents, and, 
 after much clearing of throat, informs us 
 that she wants us to draw up several deeds, 
 a lease and her will. She is proceeding to 
 state the conditions, when a frightful uproar 
 from the dental parlors is heard, howls, 
 shrieks, oaths, awful breathing and choking. 
 
 The old lady starts up, puts her hand to 
 her heart, and looks ready to jump out of the 
 window. We hastily assure her that it is not 
 a murder but a simple dental operation. She 
 sits down reluctantly, another yell from that 
 quarter decides her, and hastily inquiring for 
 the Attorney General s office, she gathers up
 
 60 A Few Neighbors 
 
 her documents and departs, evidently regard 
 ing us with the utmost suspicion. 
 
 We are so irritated that we take a few 
 hasty turns around the office before we can 
 cool our temper. 
 
 Another knock. Enter well-to-do citizen 
 acquaintance. "Hello S., I was talking to 
 G. about recording conditional sales and we 
 didn t agree so I thought I would ask you 
 about it. Don t want it to cost me anything, 
 only wanted to see if I was right." 
 
 He was wrong, we go to some pains to set 
 him right and he departs, thanking us, but 
 says nothing about payment. 
 
 Enter elderly female of commanding as 
 pect who regards us balefully through her 
 spectacles. We cannot recollect having done 
 anything that could have in any way affect 
 ed elderly females, but we instinctively fear 
 her. After an ominous pause, she informs 
 us that the Baptist Church of X is get-
 
 A Few Neighbors 61 
 
 ting up an advertising sheet to purchase por 
 tieres for the church vestry. We abjectly 
 subscribe, and part with our last dollar, all 
 the while wishing the Baptist Church of X 
 and the elderly female were in a region 
 where nothing but asbestos portieres are a 
 protection. 
 
 Enter befogged individual with carpet 
 bag and cane. "Mr. F. in?" We are get 
 ting a trifle tired of the wearing monotony 
 of the question and so answer with acerbity, 
 "Don t know the man, never heard of him." 
 
 "Why," he continued, staring at us, "You 
 ought to know him, his name is on the 
 next door." 
 
 "Then why in the old Harry don t you go 
 to his office and ask, instead of coming here 
 to find out?" we say in some heat. 
 
 This appears to strike the befogged indi 
 vidual as an entirely new idea, a brilliant one 
 in fact, which he loses no time in adopting,
 
 62 A Few Neighbors 
 
 and we hear him in a moment telling his 
 troubles to Mr. F. in subdued tones. 
 
 As we lock our office door to go to lunch, 
 a member of the Hook & Ladder Company 
 levies a little assessment of fifty cents for 
 tickets to its forthcoming ball, and a young 
 lady, whom we cannot recollect at all, but 
 who greets us with all the assurance of old 
 acquaintanceship collects twenty-five cents 
 for a box of "Globe soap." We betake our- 
 self homeward, wondering how long we 
 shall be able to stand it if this state of things 
 continues. 
 
 We always try to keep our clerks as busy 
 as possible, so as to have abundant leisure 
 ourself for cogitation over the important 
 things in life. 
 
 Frequently, while so cogitating, we ought 
 to be dictating to our stenographer. Again, , 
 when we are away from the office for a day 
 or more, she may have nothing to do but
 
 A Few Neighbors 63 
 
 tambour work, embroidery or plain tatting. 
 Therefore, a short time ago we lent a too 
 willing ear to an agent who was selling of 
 fice equipments and allowed ourself to be be 
 guiled into the purchase of a receiving 
 phonograph. By this means we hoped to be 
 able to enter our office in the evening, when 
 we should not be interrupted by book agents, 
 tree agents, patent medicine agents, and call 
 ers upon our clerks, and in the silence of 
 comparative isolation, so conducive to senti 
 ments of purity, refinement and business in 
 tegrity, breath into its funnel our varied 
 professional opinions in response to the let 
 ters and communications we daily receive. 
 These could afterwards be reduced by our 
 clerks into readable print. 
 
 Thus we thought to instil a more dignified 
 tone into our correspondence, and to impress 
 upon volatile and heedless clerks the honor 
 and nobility of our profession.
 
 64 A Few Neighbors 
 
 We are not using the instrument now, as 
 we found that we introduced too many irrele 
 vant comments into our communications, 
 which, when literally reproduced by our 
 clerks, tended to alienate the affections of 
 our clients. 
 
 We were so pleased with this invention 
 that we used up a great many cylinders the 
 first night we received it. The next morning 
 we explained its mechanism to our stenog 
 rapher, and commanded her to typewrite the 
 letters with extreme exactness, to sign our 
 name, append her initial and mail the letters 
 before our return. 
 
 We have reason to know that she followed 
 our commands with absolute fidelity. 
 
 We give one of several samples of letters 
 sent that unfortunate day, and subsequently 
 returned by irate clients who abruptly broke 
 off all social and business relations with us.
 
 A Few Neighbors 65 
 
 Exeter, N. H., 190 
 
 Professor 
 
 My Dear Sir: 
 
 The professional opinion you have solici 
 ted, hang that telephone bell, why can t they 
 leave me alone a minute, hello-hello, how 
 long are you going to keep me standing here 
 with this receiver to my ear hello, yes, 
 yes yes of course good-bye, ting- 
 ting, is one that requires now the 
 thundering thing has run down, no it 
 hasn t, requires a rather laborious ex 
 amination of the authorities, I wonder 
 how that will startle him. It s the plain 
 est thing out but it s just as well to give the 
 old cuss an idea that his question is one 
 of importance, while I cannot wholly sub 
 scribe to your views I ll have that tele 
 phone nuisance removed ring away, I m 
 not here, the common law which you state 
 has been practically abrogated by statutes
 
 66 A Few Neighbors 
 
 in this and many other states. See section 
 of Chap. Laws of 1851, the old man is 
 plainly failing, hang this infernal machine 
 it s stopped again, no it hasn t either come 
 in come in no I can t see you to-night, no 
 I don t want to buy any suspenders, shut 
 the door when you go out under that stat 
 ute you would be unable to maintain your 
 contention if he knew anything at all he 
 wouldn t have asked such a fool question, 
 t>ut teaching narrows one. I enclose bill 
 and am, 
 
 Very truly yours, 
 
 PLEASURE SEEKERS. 
 
 A great many interesting details of social 
 life are discussed in our front office. It is 
 here that various important phases of church, 
 academy, guild, club and musical life are 
 settled, filed and docketed away in the minds 
 of those interested. Unconsciously, per-
 
 A Few Neighbors 67 
 
 haps, we have acquired a sort of composite 
 knowledge of various affairs; so composite 
 in fact that we at times have the greatest 
 difficulty in bringing any order out of the 
 chaotic condition of our mind. 
 
 The condition to which it has at times 
 been reduced can be imagined should one of 
 our readers take a chair some day in our 
 back office when a tide of travel is setting 
 strongly in the direction of our little business 
 centre. It is a mild afternoon and the doors 
 of the various offices are open. The den 
 tists are busily at work, the ice and water 
 officials are playing an absorbing game of 
 "sixty-three," and the merits of certain new 
 styles of dress are being discussed in the 
 front office with the following general effect : 
 
 "Haw, haw, haw, why don t you play 
 turn round in the back Ann so pretty 
 and Jack said that Emily don t you think 
 so too ow ! ow ! doctor you re killing me
 
 68 r A Few Neighbors 
 
 and foulard sleeves well I ll be go on 
 and play clickatick, tick, clickatick, tick, 
 clickatick, tick now John you know better 
 than don t like crimson with that complex 
 ion tr-r-r-r-r-r-ing hello central get off 
 the line clickatick, tick, clickatick, tick 
 Mr. F. s office next door bet you Jeffries 
 will do him no we don t keep calendars 
 so pretty ! Ann, I m going to have one just 
 like it no sir, he s busy now ee-ee-ee-ow, 
 doctor, what is the use breaking a man s 
 jaw my deal now tend to business 
 "Hey girls, how are ye to-day? All right, 
 eh ? slam ! 
 
 It is sometimes trying, but we like cheerful 
 bustle, we enjoy our profession, even if there 
 are certain drawbacks, and we should miss 
 our community very much should we be com 
 pelled to part with it even for a short time. 
 We enjoy the business variety and cosmo 
 politan interests that pass in and out and give
 
 A Few Neighbors 69 
 
 us a chance to become philosophical, even if 
 at times a little muddled. We enjoy com 
 pany. Come in and see us when you are in 
 want of diversion.
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 OUR NEIGHBORS CHILDREN: 
 
 THE BOYS. 
 
 THERE are four kinds of boys, good, 
 goody-good, ordinary and bad. 
 From a comparatively intimate acquaint 
 ance with the boys of our neighbor 
 hood we are glad to be able to say 
 there are no bad boys, and rejoice to 
 be able to say there are no goody- 
 goods. Of the two kinds we prefer the bad, 
 because they are frequently amusing, which 
 the goody-goods never are, and they can oc 
 casionally be reformed, which is not the case 
 with the goody-goods. 
 
 On the other hand we cannot with truth 
 say that the boys of our neighborhood are 
 at all likely to take any prizes for good be- 
 70
 
 A Few Neighbors 71 
 
 havior, unless the prizes offered cover an ex 
 tremely short period, say half to three quar 
 ters of an hour, and not in the snowball sea 
 son. 
 
 No, the boys are a set of as healthy, hearty, 
 happy youngsters as one could find any 
 where, with lungs, appetite and mischievous 
 tendencies abnormally developed, with a 
 wonderful knowledge of all sorts of games, 
 a wonderful talent for getting into scrapes, 
 and a remarkable fecundity of excuses in 
 getting out of the same. 
 
 They bear the usual assortments of nick 
 names, some fanciful, like Tilly, Nif, Dinky 
 and Juicy, some illustrative of facial, racial, 
 bodily or mental qualities, such as Tadpole, 
 Bulldog, Niggerlip, Potato Face, Curly or 
 Lord John. 
 
 They are in all things faithful imitations 
 of the Academy students. In the baseball 
 season the little diamond in our neighbor-
 
 J2, A Few Neighbors 
 
 hood sees daily games of the most interest 
 ing nature, and the air is vocal with "Never 
 touched me!" "Slide, Bulldog, slide!" and 
 other notes of encouragement of a high- 
 pitched, strident nature. In the football sea 
 son the most desperate games imaginable 
 are played right under our windows, and the 
 way in which small and grimy boys are 
 trodden upon, rolled in the mud, slugged, 
 punched, tackled, downed and dreadfully, 
 abused excites the greatest commiseration 
 among the mothers of the same small boys. 
 
 In the swimming season a fond father 
 bringing his son and heir home by the ear 
 for having "Gone in" more than three times 
 in one day, is a familiar and edifying spec 
 tacle, while the young ladies never venture 
 within five hundred yards of the swimming 
 hole, under any consideration. 
 
 In the skating season the dull thud of 
 at all likely to take any prizes for good be-
 
 A Few Neighbors 73 
 
 heard for a long distance, while there is not 
 a boy in the neighborhood who is not dented 
 all over with the impact of the hockey block. 
 
 The fishing season claims fewer votaries 
 than the season of other pursuits, but among 
 those few only the most approved tackle is 
 "good form," and the truly scientific way 
 in which countless minnows, shiners, kivers, 
 perch, pickerel, eels, bullfrogs and snapping 
 turtles are brought to book is at once start 
 ling and instructive. 
 
 Several of the boys are expert hunters and 
 trappers. Among the latter the two most 
 expert formed a partnership under the name 
 of "Staff & Arthur, Deelers in all Kinds of 
 Firs." 
 
 Now, the fur-bearing animal, next to the 
 house cat, most abundant in our neighbor 
 hood, is the "Mephitis Americanus." Staff 
 and Arthur have had astonishing success in 
 trapping healthy specimens of this beast, and
 
 74 A Few Neighbors 
 
 have thereby seriously impaired the resi 
 dential value of the neighborhood real es 
 tate. 
 
 One day last fall we were sitting on our 
 piazza when we saw the two young rascals 
 who compose the firm, approaching with a 
 large black and white animal slung over a 
 pole, and carried between them with much 
 apparent satisfaction. Even if we had not 
 seen them, we should undoubtedly have been 
 aware of their presence, but, as we did see 
 them, and as they were making a bee-line for 
 our front door, we thought the time for in 
 stant and vigorous action had arrived. 
 Holding our nose with one hand, and seiz 
 ing the garden hose with the other, we or 
 dered the miscreants to halt and the follow- 1 
 ing dialogue ensued : 
 
 "What are you boys bringing that infer 
 nal thing here for?" indignantly.
 
 A Few Neighbors 75 
 
 "Want to show it to Dick, it s nothing but 
 a skunk." 
 
 "Where did you get it?" 
 
 "Staff caught it in a trap by the leg." 
 
 "How did you kill it?" 
 
 "Pasted it on the head with a club." 
 
 "Who did?" 
 
 "We both did." 
 
 "Well, I should say so, why didn t you 
 choke it to death with your hands, or bring 
 it home alive?" 
 
 "We can sell its skin for twenty-five cents 
 as soon as we skin it." 
 
 "Well, don t you ever bring such a thing 
 as that around here again." 
 
 The small boys departed towards their 
 home, which they had no sooner reached 
 than we heard vigorous expletives in a mas 
 culine voice, and a few minutes later saw 
 two small figures digging a hole in the field
 
 76 A Few Neighbors 
 
 behind the house, to deposit there the black 
 and white trophy. 
 
 The next day with hair so closely clipped 
 that each small head looked as bald as a 
 quart bowl, they were around as fresh as 
 ever, rather more so in fact, while two small 
 suits of clothes hung on the line behind their 
 house for the rest of the season. 
 
 The same day our son consulted us in re 
 gard to a point of law that had been submit 
 ted to him as one of three referees, selected 
 by the firm to straighten out a little difficulty 
 as to the division of the receipts. The dis 
 pute in his own language was something like 
 this. 
 
 "Well, you see, father, Staff and Arthur 
 caught a skunk yesterday, n Staff was goin 
 to sell it to Old Man Tilton for twenty-five 
 cents, n Curly, I mean Arthur, n Bulldog, 
 I mean Staff, was a goin to go snacks, n
 
 A Few Neighbors 77 
 
 Old Man Fuller" 
 
 "What s that!" we asked sharply. 
 
 "I mean Mr. Fuller told Arth that he d 
 give him a quarter if he d bury it, n B 
 Staff n Arth buried it, n Arth won t give 
 Staff half, n Staff says he had oughter have 
 half, cause it was his trap, n he found the 
 hole, and got the most smell on him when he 
 hit it, n so Staff n Arth left it to me n Til- 
 ly n Nif, I mean Dick n Ned." 
 
 "What do they say?" we queried. 
 
 "Well, Dick n I, we said that Staff had 
 oughter have half, n Ned said Staff oughter 
 have half, n Ned said Staff oughter give 
 Arth a poke in the jaw, n old Man McK, I 
 mean Ned s father, said we oughter to ask 
 some lawyer, cause lawyers was great on 
 skins, n so me n Dick said to ask you." 
 
 "Well, I guess you are right, although it 
 is a very strong case for both sides and for 
 the neighborhood as well. But how about
 
 78 A Few Neighbors 
 
 speaking of gentlemen, as Old Man this, 
 and Old Man that, is that the way you 
 boys do?" 
 
 "Yes, sir, sometimes," somewhat sheep 
 ishly. 
 
 "What do the boys say when they speak 
 of your father?" we questioned somewhat 
 anxiously. 
 
 "Old man Shute," was the reluctant re 
 ply. 
 
 "Well, don t you let me hear any more of 
 it, or there will be trouble," we answeredj 
 with dignity, and closed the session, wonder 
 ing at our suddenly acquired years and in 
 firmities. 
 
 We learned later that the difficulty had 
 been satisfactorily adjusted, but owing to 
 the nature of the commodities in which the 
 firm dealt, a family council had been called 
 and stern parental commands given for the 
 dissolution of the partnership. So the firm
 
 A Few Neighbors 79 
 
 of "Staff & Arthur, Deelers in all Kinds of 
 Firs," is but a fragrant memory. 
 
 Like most boys, these youngsters are ar 
 dent admirers and believers in the absolute 
 prowess of their respective fathers. Each 
 and all of them never lose an opportunity 
 to vaunt the pugilistic ability of these peace 
 loving gentlemen, and we were greatly as 
 tonished at hearing ourself described by OUK 
 son, at one of the daily meetings in the back 
 yard, as a perfect terror in the way of spar 
 ring abilities, long reach, and a ring experi 
 ence of years. 
 
 We were equally astonished at hearing 
 from Staff how easily we could be done up, 
 knocked silly, and fought to a standstill by 
 Staff s father, if he only once got at us. We 
 never knew before what a narrow escape 
 that gentleman had of wearing the diamond 
 belt. 
 
 We were likewise surprised to learn from
 
 8o A Few Neighbors 
 
 Dick and Ned that their father, for whom 
 we had always entertained the utmost re 
 spect and friendship, was only waiting his 
 chance to "Do us both up dead easy, 
 see!" We were deeply grieved to find that 
 it was only a matter of time before Arthur s 
 father, with whom we had enjoyed about 
 twenty years uninterrupted friendship and 
 professional intimacy, was liable to break 
 out and lick the entire community of "Old 
 Men" without half trying. 
 
 As each youngster bragged and swelled 
 himself, amid the scornful "Aw nows" of his 
 companions, it looked as if the whole neigh 
 borhood were likely to become embroiled, 
 but suddenly the meeting was adjourned for 
 a concerted assault on "Lord John," an older 
 brother of Ned and Dick, who, on account of 
 a difference of about two years in age, re 
 gards the other boys as "kids." He suffers 
 great annoyance from them jointly, but
 
 A Few Neighbors 81 
 
 mauls them soundly when singly or in pairs. 
 An entire volume might well be devoted to 
 the pranks of these boys, their work, their 
 play, their various interests, but the recital 
 would be that of the boys of every town, 
 every city and every neighborhood in the 
 country.
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 OUR NEIGHBORS CHILDREN: 
 THE GIRLS. 
 
 FROM our earliest years we have 
 had an intense admiration for 
 girls. As far as we can recollect, from 
 a dispassionate review of the events 
 of the past forty years, we are forced 
 to admit the converse is not true. 
 The rebuffs, slights and mortifications that 
 we have sustained from them as a boy, as an 
 awkward, ungainly and bashful youth, and 
 as an equally awkward, ungainly and bash 
 ful man, are legion. 
 
 Why we remember that but never mind, 
 our allegiance has never in the least waver 
 ed, despite our manifest tribulations. 
 
 It is a fact that parents are generally more 
 82
 
 A Few Neighbors 83 
 
 solicitous about the welfare of their daugh 
 ters than that of their sons. One is apt to 
 think that the boys wilt stumble through 
 their life lessons, catching the shafts of mis 
 fortune everywhere but in a vital spot, and 
 with a cheerful disregard of consequences, 
 that is or should be the heritage of every live 
 boy. 
 
 In the case of girls one feels differently, 
 and we well remember the day we first saw 
 one of the oldest children in the neighbor 
 hood, then a tiny baby girl of the mature age 
 of three weeks. We call to mind the fond 
 mother s anxious remarks: 
 
 "Oh, dear, it will not be very long before 
 I shall be worrying about her going to 
 dances, and what she shall wear, and with 
 whom she shall dance, and how late she 
 should stay, and all such things, and oh, dear 
 me, I don t know just what to think." 
 
 We recollect that we ventured to remind
 
 84 A Few Neighbors 
 
 her that there was no need for immediate 
 worry, but as we think of it now, we feel 
 that she "builded better than she knew," for 
 we can but acknowledge that, although this 
 took place fifteen years ago, the time has 
 passed like a breath. 
 
 The child in question has not yet attended 
 any dances, but the time is close at hand 
 when she will, and we have no fears for her 
 success, as had her mother years ago. 
 
 The girls of our neighborhood are as pret 
 ty and well bred as anyone could wish, and 
 their lively dispositions and occasionally wild 
 spirits do not detract in the least from their 
 engaging qualities. They are athletic and 
 fond of outdoor sports, and in some respects 
 quite outdo the boys. 
 
 For instance, Nell can easily outrun any 
 boy in the neighborhood, not excepting her 
 big brother, while Margaret and the two 
 Dicks can never satisfactorily decide which 
 of the three wins, although they daily run
 
 A Few Neighbors 85 
 
 themselves into an almost apoplectic condi 
 tion. 
 
 The girls are talented too, for, although 
 Constance, on account of her robust propor 
 tions, is not a marked success as a runner or 
 climber, she has shown the value of literary 
 heredity by her phenomenal success in win 
 ning prizes for poems and literary essays. 
 Nell s drawings have already been accepted 
 by juvenile magazines, while Margaret s and 
 Mary s musical abilities are the pride of the 
 neighborhood, and the little tots are coming 
 on, too. 
 
 These girls have business ability of a high 
 order, and one of the greatest property losses 
 the neighborhood ever sustained was the 
 burning of the clubhouse, erected by the 
 boys, a lease of which had been secured by 
 the girls with great business acumen. 
 
 This clubhouse had been erected by the 
 joint efforts of the entire juvenile male pop-
 
 86 A Few Neighbors 
 
 nlation of the neighborhood, after an amount 
 of exertion greatly disproportionate to their 
 size. It was built out of dismantled dry 
 goods boxes, shingled and made fair to look 
 upon. 
 
 For several months subsequent to its erec 
 tion it was used by the boys as a general 
 stamping ground, in which they dressed fish, 
 skinned eels and other vermin, stretched and 
 dried peltries. On account of these practices 
 the clubhouse became a gruesome place, to 
 be avoided by anyone who had a delicate 
 stomach or a normal sense of smell, and 
 finally the boys became tired of it. 
 
 It then occurred to the girls that their op 
 portunity for club life had arrived, and after 
 several days of anxious conference a lease 
 was drawn up by the combined legal and 
 scholastic ability of our friend, the lawyer, 
 who evidently had warmed to his subject 
 and poured the entire wealth of his vast le-
 
 A Few Neighbors 87 
 
 gal attainment, into the draft of this instru 
 ment, a copy of which lies before us. 
 LEASE. 
 
 This indenture witnesseth that we, John 
 McKey, Dick McKey, Ned McKey, Stafford 
 Francis, Arthur Fuller, George Fuller, Ken 
 neth Fuller and Dick Shute, commoners and 
 sturdy yeomen, in consideration of the pay 
 ment of five cents in the lawful current coin 
 of the United States to us the said com 
 moners and sturdy yeomen as aforesaid and 
 above named, on the part of Nell McKey, 
 Margaret Fuller, Constance Fuller, Elsie 
 Fuller, Faith Fuller, Mary Frances and Na 
 thalie Shute, all spinsters of the Borough 
 Corporate of Exeter, the receipt whereof we 
 do hereby in our collective and individual 
 capacities acknowledge, do convey, confirm, 
 alien, enfeoff, shove up, spout, hock, put in 
 soak and lease to and unto said spinsters 
 hereinbefore mentioned, a certain piece or
 
 88 A Few Neighbors 
 
 parcel of land with the appurtenances there 
 unto appertaining, together with all corpo 
 real and incorporeal heriditaments append- 
 ant or in gross, and all rights of firebote, 
 plough bote and steambote, with common of 
 estovers, of piscary, turbary, strawbary, 
 blackbary and goosebary, said premises 
 bounded and described as follows: to wit, 
 namely, viz., scilicet, videlicet, that is to 
 say: commencing at a certain empty tomato 
 can on the land of one E. H. Oilman, thence 
 running north 25 degrees east five feet, eight 
 inches, to a large pigweed thence west 14 
 degrees 20 minutes, south thirteen feet, five 
 inches, to a dead cat, thence south parallel 
 to said first mentioned line six feet, one inch 
 to a last year s woodchuck hole, thence in a 
 straight line to the tomato can aforemen 
 tioned. 
 
 And the said spinsters on their part cove 
 nant that they will well and truly pay unto
 
 A Few Neighbors 89 
 
 said commoners and sturdy yeomen as 
 aforesaid, the afore mentioned sum of five 
 cents of the lawful coin of the realm, for 
 each and every week ensuing the date here 
 of that they, the said spinsters, their asso 
 ciates and assigns may occupy the same. 
 
 And the said commoners and sturdy yeo 
 man aforementioned do reserve unto them 
 selves the right, should the said spinsters 
 fail to keep all and singular their said cove 
 nants as aforesaid, to enter said premises vl 
 et armis, and molliter nianus imponere, and 
 expel, banish, exile, eject, exclude and fire 
 out all and singular said spinsters so afore 
 mentioned. 
 
 In witness whereof the said commoners 
 and sturdy yeomen, and said spinsters so 
 described and set forth as aforesaid have set 
 their hands and affixed their seals this 
 steenth day of fty, 190 . 
 
 John McKey.
 
 po A Few Neighbors 
 
 Dick McKey. 
 
 Ned McKey. 
 
 Stafford Francis. 
 
 Arthur Fuller. 
 
 Dick Shute. 
 
 George x Fuller. 
 
 Kenneth x Fuller. 
 
 Nell McKey. 
 
 Margaret Fuller. 
 
 Constance Fuller. 
 
 Elsie Fuller. 
 
 Mary Frances. 
 
 Faith x Fuller. 
 
 Nathalie x Shute. 
 
 xHis mark. xHer mark. 
 
 Upon entering into possession of the 
 leased premises, the girls at once set to work 
 to secure the removal of one of the monu 
 ments of boundary, to wit, the deceased cat, 
 iwhich they effected by an appeal to the les-
 
 A Few Neighbors 91 
 
 sors, who promptly acted in the following 
 manner. 
 
 Staff picked it up by the tail and threw it 
 at Dick, who received it on the back of his 
 neck. Quickly recovering, he threw it at 
 Arthur, who in turn chased Staff to the 
 woods, and hit him twice over the head with 
 it before it came to pieces. 
 
 This preliminary having been satisfacto 
 rily adjusted, an entire afternoon was spent 
 in thoroughly purging the floor, and the rest 
 of the week was occupied in mural decora 
 tion and the introduction of tasteful and ele 
 gant furniture. The walls were neatly 
 paved with pebbles and oyster shells, flowers 
 were planted at the sides thereof, and a 
 handsome marble slab, discarded for a mod 
 ern wooden mantel, did duty as a doorstep. 
 
 Nor did they depend entirely upon their 
 own exertions for the improvement of their 
 property, for one of our neighbors, a kind-
 
 92 A Few Neighbors 
 
 hearted man, spent one of his infrequent af 
 ternoons of leisure, clad in a disreputable 
 hat and baggy, ill-fitting overalls, presenting 
 a hideous appearance, in whitewashing the 
 outside walls of the castle. 
 
 How those girls did enjoy themselves! 
 What teas, what dinners, what receptions 
 they held there! What a wealth of china, 
 crockery, tin spoons, lead forks and pewter 
 knives were displayed! What marvels of 
 housekeeping were performed ! 
 
 But alas, this happiness was not to en 
 dure. A cloud on the horizon, at first a 
 mere speck, rapidly increased. 
 
 One afternoon while the older girls were 
 at home reading or practising, and the boys 
 were at the swimming hole, two small fig 
 ures were seen to make their way toward a 
 pile of rubbish just behind the clubhouse. 
 They were very tiny, and very innocent, but 
 they had in some way become possessed of
 
 A Few Neighbors 93 
 
 a bunch of matches. 
 
 The combination of a small boy and a 
 bunch of matches is ordinarily productive of 
 but one result, and in this case that result 
 followed as a matter of course. In a few 
 minutes two small figures were flying toward 
 home as fast as their short pudgy legs could 
 carry them, screaming, "Muvver!" at the 
 top of their shrill voices, while dense vol 
 umes of smoke were seen pouring from the 
 clubhouse. 
 
 Instantly the entire neighborhood was 
 alarmed, the air became vibrant with swish 
 ing skirts and agitated pigtails as the entire 
 female portion of the neighborhood, old and 
 young, armed with brooms, mops, pails, 
 cups, garden hose and tin dippers, rushed to 
 the rescue, amid a clatter of tongues that 
 almost drowned the roar and crackle of the 
 flames. 
 
 The children shrieked and skipped about
 
 94 A Few Neighbors 
 
 like corn in a popper, the women heroically 
 beat with brooms, poured water from cups 
 and dippers, gave frantic orders in a high 
 key, and vainly endeavored to stretch fifty 
 feet of garden hose to four hundred feet. 
 By this time the edifice was a mass of flames, 
 the grass was on fire in half a dozen places, 
 and the outlook was very unfavorable for the 
 fire fighters, when with shrill yells and bulg 
 ing eyeballs, the boys, aroused from their 
 paddling by the unusual noise, came charg 
 ing up the path from the swimming hole like 
 a regiment of small maniacs, clad some in 
 one garment, some in two, and some in lit 
 tle more than the golden summer sunshine. 
 Under the vigorous measures of these ex 
 perienced fire fighters, the grass fires were 
 speedily extinguished, but the clubhouse was 
 doomed. At precisely four minutes and thir 
 ty seconds after four o clock the roof fell in 
 with a crash, sending a shower of sparks to
 
 A Few Neighbors 95 
 
 a height of at least seven feet, six inches. 
 
 All danger to the neighboring estates be 
 ing thus happily averted, the gentlemen pres 
 ent, suddenly realizing the somewhat inform 
 al condition of their toilets, discreetly re 
 tired behind trees, while the ladies, gather 
 ing their pans, dippers, brooms and mops, 
 betook themselves to a vigorous beating up 
 of the neighboring coverts in search of the 
 Diminutive incendiaries, that Justice, the 
 blind goddess, the inexorable, might be ap 
 peased. 
 
 The club house has never been rebuilt, the 
 neighbors wisely concluding that the social 
 advantage of the institution, although great, 
 did not counterbalance the element of dan 
 ger to the neighboring real estate,
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 OUR NEW NEIGHBORHOOD. 
 
 WE have again moved; in fact, since the 
 description of the Greek Quarter 
 was written we have moved twice. It may 
 not be a matter of surprise to our friends 
 that we moved from the "Greek Quarter," 
 but, considering those sketches, it may have 
 been and probably is almost beyond belief 
 that we were not compelled to leave the 
 country. 
 
 And yet, incredible as it may seem, no act 
 of hostility on the part of our neighbors ever 
 intimated to us that our neighborly atten 
 tions were unwelcome. No council of war 
 was ever held, no league, offensive or defen 
 sive, was ever formed, no injunction prayed, 
 no notice to quit served.
 
 A Few Neighbors 97 
 
 In fact, as far as we know, our departure, 
 although perhaps not universally deplored, 
 was not the cause of any open demonstra 
 tion or semi-public rejoicing. For our part 
 we were profoundly sad at quitting so con 
 genial a neighborhood, but the die once cast 
 we faced the problem of moving with the 
 cheerfulness engendered by the knowledge 
 that the same wheelbarrow that had once 
 before served as a vehicle for the transpor 
 tation of our household goods was still avail 
 able for the asking, and that the statutes of 
 the state of New Hampshire exempted from 
 attachment and levy or sale on execution, 
 household goods to the value of one hun 
 dred dollars, comfortable beds and bedding 
 for the use of the debtor and his family ; one 
 range, one horse, a yoke of oxen, six sheep 
 and the fleece of the same; uniforms, arms, 
 and equipment, which, especially in the mat 
 ter of livestock, far exceeded our posses 
 sions.
 
 98 A Few Neighbors 
 
 But we grieve to say, that when we went 
 back to the same neighborhood where we 
 had lived for many years in peace, friend 
 ship and intimacy with all, we found that 
 one of two things was true, either we had 
 outgrown our former neighbors, or they us. 
 
 We cannot think we had changed. No 
 honors had fallen to our lot, no achievement 
 had marked us apart from other men. We 
 had managed by hard work, to which wa 
 were naturally averse, and economy, which 
 we faithfully practised but detested, to pay 
 our bills, and that was all. 
 
 Why then did our former friends look 
 askance at us. We cannot say, except that 
 in many respects we violated the traditions 
 of that neighborhood. 
 
 It has been the custom of our neighbors 
 to work hard and faithfully during six days 
 and to rest on the seventh. Their rest con 
 sisted in going to church in the morning, and
 
 A Few Neighbors 99 
 
 in the afternoon taking a walk in the ceme 
 tery. In the evening they would gather 
 about the cabinet organ and sing hymns. 
 
 Our customs were quite different. To be 
 gin with, we tried to get along through the 
 six working days with as little work as pos 
 sible, and when the Sabbath came we got up 
 early, gave our horse a more elaborate rub 
 bing down than usual, swept out our barn, 
 watered the twenty square feet of lawn, and 
 hung around, attired in a shabby pair of 
 trousers, rubber boots, a dingy red sweater 
 and a dreadful hat, putting things to rights 
 until time to dress for church, which we at-< 
 tended with a good deal of regularity, owing 
 to certain well defined wishes expressed by 
 our wife in her frank and convincing man 
 ner. 
 
 After dinner we did not walk in the ceme 
 tery, but drove instead sometimes to the 
 beach, more often along the country roads.
 
 ioo A Few Neighbors 
 
 Again, we had no cabinet organ, did not 
 think that hymns sounded well outside of 
 church or chapel, and preferred music of a 
 more enlivening character. 
 
 When we planned to leave the hard wood 
 floors of the "Greek Quarter," and to come to 
 our new home, the question of new carpets 
 stared us coldly in the face. The acquisition 
 of new and suitable carpets is attended with 
 considerable expense, and upon calling our 
 wife into the conference we found that she 
 preferred hard-wood floors both on the score 
 of economy and neatness, although by what 
 method of calculation she made it appear 
 that three-ply, 55 cents, double width carpets 
 cost more than hard-wood floors was never 
 very clear to us. 
 
 The result was that we ordered hard-wood 
 floors, although it became necessary to nego 
 tiate a six per cent power of sale mortgage 
 p-n our real estate. As this was the first
 
 A Few Neighbors 101 
 
 mortgage that had ever appeared in that 
 neighborhood, it caused great commotion, 
 and still further intensified the feeling that 
 we were consumed with a desire for the ef 
 fete luxuries of the rich and great. 
 
 Then again there was the minister, whose 
 back yard abutted our own. We had never 
 lived so near a minister before, but had been 
 content to view him from afar in his pulpit 
 elevation and at the occasional church so 
 ciables we felt obliged to attend, when our 
 wife happened to be a member of the com 
 mittee in whose hands the success of the af 
 fair rested. 
 
 We were undoubtedly a trial to the min 
 ister, and a weariness unto his flesh. He 
 never said it in words, he never intimated 
 it knowingly in his actions. He was always 
 quiet, courteous and kind, a good neighbor. 
 
 When our mare lays her whole weight of 
 one thousand pounds on our foot, we are
 
 IO2 A Few Neighbors 
 
 very likely to make such comments as the 
 nature of the transaction demands and our 
 quick temper suggests. When we step upon 
 the upturned teeth of a rake that is quietly 
 and unobtrusively leaning against a wall, 
 and receive a blinding thump from the han-^ 
 die that flies up and strikes us in the fore 
 head, as well as a cruel prod from the sharp 
 teeth, we do not feel obliged to choose oun 
 words, nor inclined to postpone our remarks. 
 
 And so, after an outburst of more than 
 usual lingual brilliancy, when we see the 
 minister s reproachful countenance frowning 
 at us across the back fence, and observe that 
 worthy man shaking his head sadly as he 
 hurriedly makes for the house, we feel that 
 we have not only wounded a good soul, but 
 imperiled a bad one. 
 
 All these things made us feel that we had 
 in some unknown way got out of touch with 
 our old neighbors; that we did not quite
 
 A Fezv Neighbors 103 
 
 catch the spirit of the neighborhood, did not 
 feel as much at home as we had hoped. 
 
 It was, however, the cutting down of the 
 trees that made a hasty removal from that 
 neighborhood advisable and indeed unavoid 
 able. 
 
 From the infant days of our town it has 
 been the custom to plant trees. That these 
 trees have a well defined place in the town s 
 economy is undeniably true. In the days of 
 the wily redskin, they were of inestimable 
 value as positions of vantage and security, 
 behind which the picturesque Colonial in 
 long flapped coat, Elizabethan ruff, laced 
 sleeves, square cut shoes with brightly pol 
 ished silver buckles, knee breeches, and silk 
 stockings, coming homeward from ditching, 
 logging, plowing or burning sprout lands, 
 would dodge on hearing the twang of the 
 bowstring, the whir of the arrow and the 
 yelp of the pursuing savage. Propping up
 
 104 A Few Neighbors 
 
 his bell mouthed musketoon, loaded with 
 fragments of pewter porringers and hand 
 made bullets with little furrows in them, he 
 would build a fire under it, then sit down 
 and wait for it and the Indians to go off. 
 
 In later days when the garrisons were sup 
 planted by shoe shops and factory boarding 
 houses, and the Indians by the less desirable 
 savages from Poland, Austro-Hungary, 
 Greece, Italy, China, and the Canadian fron 
 tier, the trees were still useful in affording 
 hiding places to these modern savages, while 
 avoiding the unwelcome attentions of the lo 
 cal constabulary. 
 
 In the course of time these trees attained 
 great size, and were so thick and dense that 
 but little sunshine ever filtered through, 
 This was especially so in our neighborhood, 
 and our apartments were damp on that ac 
 count. In addition to this, the roots of the 
 trees had an unclean and undesirable habit
 
 A Few Neighbors 105 
 
 of crawling into our sewer pipes in such 
 numbers and at such times as to make it 
 expensive, annoying and embarrassing. 
 
 Did we attempt to have a modest dinner 
 party, it was harrowing to our finer feelings 
 to spend the best part of the dinner hour and 
 evening in trying to push a wire ramrod 
 down the pipe and, failing utterly, to watch 
 our chance to pour our rapidly accumulating 
 slops and dishwater over our nearest neigh 
 bor s fence. 
 
 Again, after having spent the entire spring 
 and summer and a large percentage of our 
 evenings for the last year in sodding, dress 
 ing, sowing, raking and mowing a new 
 lawn into a delightful condition of smooth 
 ness and greenness, to be obliged to sit by 
 and see a huge trench dug straight through 
 the centre thereof, bearing on its high piled 
 sides the tin cans, hoopskirts and skeleton 
 cats of a bygone generation, developed the
 
 io6 (A. Few Neighbors 
 
 vituperative section of our vocabulary to a 
 hectic degree. 
 
 To be sure when the pipe was finally 
 cleaned out we discovered many things: 
 where the china cups went ; where the silver 
 spoons marked with our grandmother s 
 initials have been hiding; where the baby s 
 socks and rubber ring, and our son s mar 
 bles and our eye-glasses and our screw 
 driver and the wire nails and the picture 
 hangers and other things were going when 
 stopped by the roots. 
 
 What we said about those trees is too aw 
 ful to dwell upon. What we did broke up 
 our quiet home and threw the entire neigh 
 borhood into hysterics. 
 
 We sent for half a dozen Frenchmen and 
 had the offending trees cut down, and for 
 the first time in half a century the sun shone 
 into our rooms, the miasmic vapors were 
 dissipated, our cellar dried up, the green
 
 A Feiv Neighbors 107 
 
 mould desiccated and fell from our roof, our 
 rheumatism departed instanter, a settled 
 lung trouble that we had inherited from 
 grandfather took flight, and our wall paper 
 ceased peeling from the guest chamber. 
 
 Per contra, before night the neighborhood 
 was in an uproar, we were the most unpopu 
 lar man in town, and a price was put upon 
 our head. People there were who had mur 
 dered, had highwayly plundered, had bur 
 gled, had besmirched reputation, had vio 
 lated all laws, both statute and moral, but 
 hitherto the fair fame of the town had never 
 been fouled by tree cutting. 
 
 Groups of people gathered and gesticulat 
 ed and pointed; comparative strangers to 
 our neighborhood came and looked curiously 
 on the freshly cut trunks, shook their heads 
 sadly and walked away; old friends passed 
 us with averted gaze; tradespeople with 
 wHom we had accounts sent in their bills re-
 
 io8 A Few Neighbors 
 
 questing immediate payment; our son s 
 school life was one continual warfare with 
 our neighbors sons; our daughter, usually 
 the most light hearted and amiable of chil 
 dren, was dragged by her scandalized teach 
 er out of four fights in which she had at 
 tempted to resent in et armis certain imputa 
 tions on her father s character 
 
 It was high time we moved and move we 
 did. What befel us in transitu and in our 
 new neighborhood we will give in detail.
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 OUR MIGRATION. 
 
 HAVING resolved to migrate, we be 
 gan to look about for a suitable 
 house. If we had gone in the direction that 
 our neighbors and erstwhile friends fervent 
 ly wished us to go, we would have entered 
 state prison for a term of years, but as we 
 had been in a measure the humble instru 
 ment through which quite a number of peo 
 ple had landed in that institution, we natur 
 ally did not care to follow them, as it might 
 lead to undesirable social complications. 
 
 At this time there had been a heavy 
 shrinkage in real estate values in our little 
 town, with the result that there were plenty 
 of unoccupied houses for rent or sale, the 
 only difficulty being that most of these build- 
 109
 
 no A Few Neighbors 
 
 ings were on thickly settled streets, and we 
 had firmly resolved never to live on a thickly 
 settled street again. While we didn t actu 
 ally long for a "Lodge in some vast wilder 
 ness," it seemed the safest place to go until 
 the wratH of our neighbors had died down, 
 cooled off, or been smoothed by the healing 
 hand pf time. 
 
 There was erected on Pine Street, some 
 where in the fifties, a large house, in the 
 midst of the forest primeval, upon two acres 
 of choice land laid down to ragweed, bur 
 docks and witch grass. This house outlived 
 its proprietor and was for sale many years. 
 Inasmuch as it was surrounded and walled 
 in by trees, and unoccupied for some time, it 
 was supposed to be in a dreadful condition 
 of dry rot and dilapidation. 
 
 Consequently, no purchaser appeared, and 
 though tHe price declined from year to year, 
 it was still far beyond our ability to pur-
 
 A Few Neighbors in 
 
 chase, unless we could negotiate a mortgage 
 for the entire purchase price. 
 
 Since our happy, far-away boyhood we 
 had looked with longing eyes upon this place 
 as an earthly paradise, and it still remained 
 far beyond our reach, and would have re 
 mained so had it not been for a curious com 
 bination of circumstances. 
 
 The first was the general shrinkage in 
 Exeter real estate; the second was the Cot 
 tage Hospital ; the third was the mortgagee. 
 
 Of the shrinkage in value we have already 
 spoken. Of the Cottage Hospital it is only 
 necessary to say that the good people of Pine 
 Street did not relish the proximity of the 
 building which was its temporary temple, 
 and that the hospital trustees were looking 
 to this old fashioned house with full intent of 
 making it their permanent and corporate 
 abode. 
 
 Therefore when a private citizen appeared
 
 H2 A Few Neighbors 
 
 who evinced a desire to buy the vacant house 
 and establish therein his household goods, his 
 live stock and his bargain-sale furniture, they 
 welcomed him with open arms, so to speak, 
 and took counsel among themselves how to 
 induce the son of the ancient and gone pro 
 prietor in his far abode, to bring the price 
 within the reach pf this possible purchaser. 
 True enough we were leaving an old 
 neighborhood under a cloud ; true enough we 
 were outspoken in our comments on men and 
 things ; true enough we played on varied and 
 violent wind instruments of brass, wood and 
 silver ; true enough we had a weakness for 
 fancy poultry, pigeons and hard-bitted 
 horses; on the other hand we did not smell 
 of chloroform, iodoform or carbolic acid; 
 did not groan and shriek at all hours of the 
 day and night; were not brought home on 
 stretchers or in dismembered fragments 
 every day, and whatever mortality might ul-
 
 A Few Neighbors 113 
 
 timately develop in our family, it would cer 
 tainly not keep an undertaker s wagon in 
 front of our house all the time. 
 
 Consequently, we were received with well- 
 bred smiles by the very people who but for 
 the Cottage Hospital would probably have 
 chipped in and bought the place, rather than 
 endanger their morals and their shades trees 
 by allowing us to enter the neighborhood. 
 
 Thanks to the kindness, or prejudices, of 
 our neighbors expectant, the price was 
 brought down to an astonishingly low fig 
 ure; and the only question remained, can 
 we hypothecate the estate for the entire pur 
 chase price? If so, we reasoned that we 
 might by making determined efforts to col 
 lect divers outstanding and not yet outlawed 
 bills for legal services, be able to pay the ex 
 penses of moving, paper a few rooms, nail a 
 plank or two on the front steps, mow the 
 lawn, blaze a trail through the trees, bush
 
 114 A Few Neighbors 
 
 hook some of the thickest jungle, replace the 
 broken windows and live happily ever after 
 wards. 
 
 Upon going to a certain bank in an adja 
 cent city we sounded the directors thereof, 
 and to our great gratification found them 
 disposed to loan upon good and sufficient 
 security. 
 
 In all business transactions we believe in 
 frankness. For instance, if you wish to sell 
 a horse, we believe you will accomplish that 
 result much more easily if you don t evince 
 any special desire to part with the animal, 
 and if you wish to borrow money it is not 
 advisable to boast too much over the secur 
 ity. A bank is sure to look the property 
 iOver before parting with its legal tender, and 
 the discount between your romantic, senti 
 mental, or at all events magnified estimate, 
 and the bank s severely practical appraisal, is 
 disheartening.
 
 A Few Neighbors 115 
 
 Therefore, when we applied for the loan 
 we stated the amount desired, the nature of 
 the security, its location, and requested that 
 a man be sent to examine it. To a question 
 as to the purchase price we answered truly 
 that this was to be a secret between owner 
 and purchaser, but we neglected to state 
 that the amount of the loan was the purchase 
 price, as we could not very well do that un 
 der the circumstances. 
 
 It happened that on the same side of the 
 street and next to this estate was another, 
 much more valuable and pretentious proper 
 ty, upon which the owner had lavished more 
 money that we ever expect to see, should we 
 live to a ripe, nay to an over-ripe and dried- 
 up old age. 
 
 What was this gentleman s surprise one 
 day to see a well-dressed business-like indi 
 vidual pacing the lines of his fine estate 
 scrutinizing with evident interest and admi-
 
 n6 A Few Neighbors 
 
 ration the elegant buildings, and making co 
 pious notes in a small book. The owner said 
 nothing, however, but passed on. He had 
 not proceeded far when he was overtaken by 
 the gentleman of the note book, who opened 
 the conversation with the remark that it was 
 a fine place back there. 
 
 "Well, yes," said the owner, "it is a pret 
 ty fair place." 
 
 "Must have cost the owner a pot of 
 money," continued the man of notes. 
 
 "Yes, a good deal of money went into the 
 place first and last," replied the owner, 
 dryly. 
 
 "Good for a mortgage of ten thousand 
 dollars, isn t it," hazarded the scrivener. 
 
 "Good for twice that," said the owner 
 tartly, "but as long as the owner doesn t 
 want to borrow any money," he continued, 
 "the property will in all probability never 
 Have to be mortgaged."
 
 A Few Neighbors 117 
 
 "That may be well enough," said the busi 
 ness-like individual, "but I happen to know 
 that the man who wants to buy that place 
 wants a good deal of money on it." 
 
 "Buy that place, what in thunder do you 
 mean?" demanded the owner hotly, and 
 would have continued, but just at that mo 
 ment the stranger hailed a passing car, sa 
 luted and disappeared, leaving the owner 
 staring after him in astonishment and indig 
 nation. 
 
 "Wonder who in thunder that impertinent 
 ass was?" he muttered, as he pursued his 
 way thoughtfully down town. 
 
 Not knowing of this colloquy between 
 our to-be-next-door-neighbor and the inquis 
 itive stranger, we were somewhat astonished 
 and hugely gratified to receive notice from 
 the bank to the effect that they would loan 
 us $10,000 on the premises. Inasmuch as 
 we did not want that amount, we declined
 
 1 1 8 A Few Neighbors 
 
 the excess, although we were tempted to bor 
 row the whole sum and at the expiration of 
 the year pay back on the mortgage note the 
 amount in excess of the purchase price, and 
 thus give the bank and the general public an 
 exalted idea of the extent of our professional 
 income. 
 
 This temptation we resisted, and in a few 
 days the mortgage for the purchase price 
 was negotiated, the title passed, and we 
 found ourselves in possession of a grand old 
 place, with lar-ge grounds and an equally 
 large and well developed mortgage, with 
 magnificent trees and a heavy tax rate, with 
 sewer connection and an assessment of one 
 per cent, on the tax valuation for the same, 
 with spacious rooms, and nothing but cot 
 tage furniture to put therein. 
 
 The first thing to do was to put the house 
 into some sort of condition for occupancy. 
 This necessitated the services of a plumber
 
 A Few Neighbors 119 
 
 and three assistants, a painter and paper 
 hanger with one assistant. 
 
 Their duties did not embrace a very wide 
 scope. Those of the principals consisted in 
 making estimates on the back of new shin 
 gles, while the assistants lit pipes and re 
 clined on nail kegs. These estimates were 
 disheartening in the extreme to us, and the 
 common belief that figures do not lie was 
 shattered beyond repair. However, as we 
 know very little about matters of this kind, 
 we deferred to their superior knowledge and 
 comparatively vast experience. 
 
 All our plumbing, heating apparatus and 
 piping were promptly condemned as unsani 
 tary, dangerous and out of date. It was rep 
 resented to us that while we might escape 
 typhoid fever, cholera infantum and canker 
 rash, the chances were against it. Of course 
 we did not want to expose our family to any
 
 i2o A Few Neighbors 
 
 unnecessary danger, and so we gave orders 
 to replumb the entire outfit. 
 
 This order given, the assistants woke up 
 and, judging from the results, the first day 
 was taken up in boring holes in the walls 
 and plastering. The vigor and enthusiasm 
 with which they set to work were duly evi 
 denced by the huge slices of plaster that 
 came off when the augers were pulled out. 
 
 These delicate attentions required the at 
 tendance of a skilled artisan in mortar and 
 plaster, who charged us four dollars a day 
 and the cost of an assistant, whose duties 
 consisted in furnishing a light for his pipe; 
 at least we never saw him engaged in any 
 other work. 
 
 The third day we found the house so 
 clogged up with pipes, coils, boring ma 
 chines, and small hand furnaces which, like 
 the volcano of Guyot s Common School 
 Geography, "Belched forth fire, smoke, ashes
 
 A Few Neighbors 121 
 
 and lava," that we were too much discour 
 aged to investigate further. We perma 
 nently withdrew and doubled our insurance. 
 
 In about a month the plumber informed us 
 that his part of the contract was finished, and 
 presented us with a bill that caused us to 
 make an abrupt and complete change in our 
 style of living. 
 
 After his withdrawal, the carpenter ar 
 rived, and the entire premises were filled with 
 joists, boards, weather strips, bad tobacco, 
 old clay pipes and tool-chests. For two mor 
 tal weeks the same carpenters wrought their 
 will on the long suffering house, and tfien, 
 sated with evil doing, passed to fresh pas 
 tures, leaving a bill that left our future un- 
 illumined by a ray of hope. 
 
 After them came the painters, who set to 
 work in their peculiarly insinuating and 
 practically color-blind way, and after a spec- 
 troscopic orgie of two weeks, retired, having
 
 122 <A Few Neighbors 
 
 completed our despoliation, and left several 
 tons of paper strippings, plaster, splinters 
 and painty rags, strewn, heaped and scat 
 tered all over the premises. 
 
 It took us, with the assistance of two men 
 and three women, nearly a week to clear up 
 the premises and burn up the rubbish, and 
 when the place was ready for occupancy, we 
 felt very much inclined to let the mortgagee 
 foreclose. But the spring had come, the 
 birds were arriving, the grass was peeping 
 out in sheltered and sunny corners, the 
 naked earth was odorous of coming vegeta 
 tion, the sun shone warmly and we were 
 rilled with that cheerful optimism that comes 
 only in sucfi delightful days.
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 EN ROUTE. 
 
 nr^HE complete realization of one s 
 * wealth does not come to one until 
 one moves. At such times the amount of 
 property that one has, in some unexplain- 
 able way accumulated, astonishes and appals 
 one. 
 
 When we, in our banishment from a 
 neighborhood meekly looked up the wheel 
 barrow and harnessed ourself to its squeak 
 ing frame, we found this method of trans 
 portation entirely inadequate to the task in 
 hand. 
 
 WHere we obtained such an amount of 
 
 household goods we could not imagine. We 
 
 had no recollection of buying it, and we 
 
 were morally certain we had not stolen it, or 
 
 123
 
 124 -A Few Neighbors 
 
 we should have been apprehended in short 
 order. The public hue and cry over stolen 
 property is always in inverse ratio to the 
 value of the property stolen, and a careful 
 examination on our part disclosed no fur 
 niture of any value whatever except our 
 wife s piano. 
 
 So we were forced to call in the assistance 
 of a professional truckman, whose avowed 
 
 occupation was to move furniture, but whose 
 
 > 
 vocation as practised consisted in reducing 
 
 the greater part of that furniture to frag 
 ments in the shortest possible time. 
 
 On his skill of this nature depended the 
 amount of his bill, and with so powerful an 
 incentive, the atmosphere contiguous to our 
 soon-to-be-abandoned premises was shortly 
 filled with crashes, jingles, dismembered fur 
 niture and dreadful profanity. 
 
 It is but fair to the truckman to say that 
 the greater part of the profanity was ours,
 
 A Few Neighbors 125 
 
 and but fair to ourself to state that the pro 
 fanity was to a considerable degree excusable 
 and justifiable. 
 
 Thus passed the first dreadful day, and 
 that night we crept to our couches in the 
 bare, dusty, dead-cold rooms, carefully, but 
 not always successfully, avoiding tacks, 
 nails, splinters, broken glass and crockery 
 with which the floors were plentifully strewn. 
 We felt that fate had nothing worse in store 
 for us, but fate is an exceedingly resource 
 ful young person, as we shortly realized. 
 
 The next day the truckman arrived Be 
 times, aroused us from our profound slum 
 bers by dismantling some frail but inexpen 
 sive ornaments which had been left out of 
 doors over night, broke the glass in the front 
 door, gave us little time to dress and none 
 for breakfast, wrenched apart our bedsteads 
 with jimmys and crowbars and dropped 
 them through the chamber windows into the
 
 126 A Few Neighbors 
 
 hands of people who ought to have been 
 there but were not. 
 
 A total stranger, who happened to be pass 
 ing at an inopportune moment, and who re 
 ceived the side-bar of an iron bedstead on 
 the point of his jaw, was so unfeeling as to 
 retain counsel and sue us for heavy damages 
 in an action for assault and battery. 
 
 Shortly after breakfast, which we sorely 
 needed but couldn t obtain, our bedsteads 
 were set up in our new house, and securely 
 fastened with spikes and lengths of baled- 
 hay wire. Then the gathering clouds broke 
 and a steady fall of rain began, which neces 
 sitated the prompt withdrawal of our truck 
 men, who feared the possibly fatal effect of 
 water. 
 
 At any other time we should have gladly 
 welcomed their permanent withdrawal, but 
 now their desertion was most inopportune. 
 Our bedsteads were at one end of the town ;
 
 A Few Neighbors 127 
 
 our bedding at another; a heavy rainstorm 
 was holding a protracted session ; a gray af 
 ternoon was preceding the long, cold night 
 of a bitter New England spring; and we 
 were cold, hungry and lame, too lame to 
 think of sleeping on bare floors and awaken 
 ing in the gray of the morning with the 
 grain and knot-holes of the rough board 
 floor indelibly reproduced in replica upon our 
 persons. 
 
 One sole resource was left us ; to move the 
 bedding ourself, and to move it quickly, in as 
 dry a condition as possible. 
 
 We have a mare, which, although well- 
 bred and spirited, is a trifle peculiar and 
 given to vagaries, a characteristic not un 
 common in her sex. For instance, she sees 
 things that are occult to human senses, a 
 faculty which frequently impels her, without 
 any apparent reason, to snort violently and 
 bound frantically about our barn, dragging
 
 128 A Few Neighbors 
 
 us by whatever portion of our person may 
 happen to be attached to her. She will oc 
 casionally back rapidly out of her stall bear 
 ing us, protesting profanely, in her wake; 
 but her strong suit is halter pulling. 
 
 She has been known, when hermetically 
 attached to a large building, to brace herself 
 and move the building several feet from its 
 foundations, or to carry away considerable 
 portions thereof, to accompany her in erratic 
 and frenzied circles around the immediate 
 neighborhood. 
 
 We have several nice little stone posts and 
 iron railings that she has hurriedly brought 
 home attached firmly to her arched neck by 
 the thick hitching rope, after thoughtfully 
 leaving the shattered remains of our buggy 
 as security therefor. 
 
 We also have a solid Democrat wagon and 
 a stout harness, so we thought that, by the 
 combination of these three plus a water-
 
 A Few Neighbors 129 
 
 proof trunk, we might remove our bedding 
 to the new house. 
 
 While our wife with great exertion 
 crowded a bolster and two blankets into a 
 trunk, we made for the stable to hitch our 
 erratic but speedy animal into the Democrat 
 wagon. We shortly reappeared, clinging 
 desperately to the bit, that energetic and 
 playful animal having traversed the distance 
 on her hind legs, our ditto not having 
 touched the ground since the start. 
 
 When she obligingly stopped and lowered 
 us to the ground, we hitched her by a sort 
 of hawser to the only tree in the neighbor 
 hood that we had not cut down, and blithely 
 hoisted the trunk into the wagon. If we 
 had followed the dictates of our powerful 
 mind, we should have taken nothing else, 
 but yielding, as we invariably do, to our 
 wife s commands, we took on a cargo con 
 sisting of a crockery chamber-set, a bushel-
 
 130 A Few Neighbors 
 
 basket of kitchen ware, and a commode with 
 clattering contents, which compelled us to 
 discard the comfortable seat for an uncom 
 fortable perch on the edge of a trunk with 
 ragged, upturned, tin corners. 
 
 The cargo aboard, we climbed to the pilot 
 house, weighed anchor, cast off the hawser 
 and started with an abruptness that nearly 
 left our head behind. We did leave one lit 
 tle souvenir of our departure, a hand-paint 
 ed pitcher, which fell on the only stone in 
 the neighborhood and was shattered beyond 
 repair. As we faded into the distance with 
 frantic bounds, amid a terrific rattle of tin 
 ware and crockery, our wife s horrified re 
 marks and somewhat lurid reproaches over 
 the loss of her pitcher gradually died away. 
 
 Indeed, we were altogether too much oc 
 cupied in preserving the rest of our load and, 
 incidentally our own safety, to pay much at 
 tention to her views of the matter. It is a
 
 A Few Neighbors 131 
 
 well known fact, a sort of self-evident truth, 
 that both Court and Pine streets are full of 
 cradle holes, ruts and gullies, which, al 
 though glaringly and painfully evident to 
 the residents thereon and the casual travel 
 ler thereover, have for years escaped the 
 myopic vision of our justly celebrated road 
 agent. So in our hurried passage that moist 
 afternoon, we, our load and the wheels of 
 our wagon performed most of the journey in 
 the air. 
 
 At the big tree at the entrance to Gilman 
 park, we involuntarily parted with the com 
 mode, which fell with a splintering crash of 
 rending wood and reverberating clash with 
 in, which added to our mare s frantic 
 bounds. At the head of Elliott Street the 
 rest of the chamber set bounded over the 
 tailboard, and we only saved ourself from 
 following by gymnastic ability of a very high 
 order.
 
 132 A Few Neighbors 
 
 At Pine Street we were going at a velocity 
 that precluded the possibility of turning into 
 that street without certain destruction, so we 
 steered straight for Kensington "Ventre a 
 terre." 
 
 We have always deprecated throwing old 
 tinware into the river as an untidy, danger 
 ous and foolish habit. How much better it 
 is during the shades of night to slip it quietly 
 into the most distant part of your neighbor s 
 yard, thus diverting suspicion from you to 
 your neighbor s neighbor. However, upon 
 reaching Little River Bridge a terrific 
 bounce of the wagon sent our tinware flying 
 into the river. After a mile or more of up 
 hill galloping by our sweating horse, and ti- 
 tantic exertions by ourself, we succeeded in 
 checking that animal s mad flight, turned 
 her and proceeded rapidly, but under full 
 command, to our new house, where we un 
 loaded what remained of our cargo, and re 
 turned for more.
 
 A Few Neighbors 133 
 
 The remaining trips were muddy but un 
 eventful, as we had taken the precaution to 
 tack down securely the upturned edges of 
 the tin covering, which had abraded us 
 cruelly. Late that night when we stretched 
 ourself on our somewhat clammy couch, we 
 felt that supreme satisfaction which comes of 
 ownership. 
 
 At last we were in our own house. Hith 
 erto we had lived in other people s houses, 
 where our continued residence depended 
 either upon prompt payment of the rent, or 
 some plausible excuse for non-payment of 
 the same. True there was the mortgage, 
 but in the nature of things the mortgage 
 would not be foreclosed until the interest 
 was in default, and interest was payable an 
 nually. So with a year s continuous resi 
 dence practically secured, we slept peace 
 fully.
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 THE JOYS OF MOVING. 
 
 THE next day we rose betimes, or 
 rather we dragged ourself from 
 our damp and musty couch and, extract 
 ing some of the dryest wood from a 
 mildewed woodpile and collecting a 
 bushel or two of excelsior, we essayed 
 to build a fire in the fire-place, as 
 we had taken no lessons in running a boiler. 
 It would perhaps have been as well as if we 
 had tried the boiler. We could not possibly 
 have been blown up more thoroughly than 
 we were by our wife after enough of the 
 smoke had drifted away to allow her vocal 
 gifts full swing. 
 
 As we stooped and touched a match to 
 34
 
 A Few Neighbors 135 
 
 the pile, we thought how delightfully com 
 fortable a fire-place was. How many pleas 
 ant evenings we promised ourself, sitting by 
 that same fire-place in an easy chair, leaning 
 our head on our hand, looking into the danc 
 ing flames and dreaming dreams. We al 
 ways did like to dream dreams much better 
 than to work work. There is something par 
 ticularly soothing in dreaming dreams, ex 
 cept when we dream something dreadful is 
 chasing us and our legs keep bending up so 
 we can t get away, or when we dream 
 dreams in which we are the most conspicuous 
 person on the ball-room floor, having unac 
 countably neglected to put on our trousers. 
 
 On the other hand, working work is any 
 thing but soothing and restful, and it is a 
 form of dissipation to which we have never 
 been addicted. We are sometimes forced to 
 work, but we never knowingly or willingly 
 commit any more work than our material 
 needs and those of our family require.
 
 136 <A Few Neighbors 
 
 But let us see where were we when we be 
 gan dreams? Oh yes, we were stooping 
 down before the fire-place touching a match 
 to some excelsior. What a simple but grand 
 thing an old fashioned chimney is, we 
 thought, as a bright flame caught the excel 
 sior and spread rapidly through the pile. 
 Suddenly there was a sound as if the chim 
 ney sneezed, and dense clouds of smoke be 
 gan to pour into the room. 
 
 "Volumed and vast and rolling far 
 The cloud enveloped Scotland s war 
 As down the hill they broke." 
 
 We didn t exactly break down the hill, but 
 we blindly and gaspingly groped our way 
 from window to window, trying vainly to 
 open casements that had not been opened 
 for years, and couldn t be opened by any 
 thing short of blasting powder. 
 
 We rushed frantically to the door, but the 
 smoke was ahead of us, for finding no exit
 
 A Few Neighbors 137 
 
 it had poured joyously upstairs to surprise 
 our wife and announce its presence. Indeed 
 our whole family was surprised. They 
 voiced their amazement in nasal expressions 
 that sounded like Polish dialogue, and were 
 mercifully prevented from hurling scathing 
 denunciations at us, to which our condition 
 of bronchial suffocation would not have al 
 lowed us suitably and feelingly to reply. 
 
 Before the smoke cleared away our family 
 had escaped by the back way, and now fore 
 gathered on the porch to vent their unani 
 mous opinion that something must be wrong 
 with the chimney, the puerility of which re 
 mark we grieve to say, stirred us to profan 
 ity, the vigor of which was intensified when 
 we found that we had neglected to open the 
 chimney damper before starting the fire. 
 
 There we stood and talked the matter over 
 in bronchially staccato tones, while dense 
 white smoke poured from the door. Theje
 
 138 A Few Neighbors 
 
 is more smoke and less flame in excelsior 
 when burned in a draughtless chimney, and 
 more flame and less smoke in the same ar 
 ticle when burned in the open than any ex 
 plosive of fuel known to science. 
 
 When we were again able to enter the 
 portals of our residence we were in a condi 
 tion of famine indescribable, and we joined 
 our entreaties to those of our children for 
 breakfast. 
 
 Reader, did you ever hear of peanut but 
 ter? Likewise of ready-made salad dress 
 ing? Also of the many substitutes for cof 
 fee, which neither cheer, inebriate nor exhil 
 arate ? And can a man who is suffering the 
 pangs almost of dissolution be reasonably 
 expected to be a Christian and a gentleman, 
 when called upon to partake of a banquet of 
 crackers surmounted by peanut butter, more 
 crackers garnished with superincumbent fac 
 tory-made salad dressing, and imitation cof-
 
 A Few Neighbors 139 
 
 fee that tastes like an infusion of hayseed 
 sweetened with eighteen cent molasses ? Can 
 a man, I repeat, be expected to conduct him 
 self so as to win Sabbath School Rewards of 
 Merit ? 
 
 We lay no claim to superiority over our 
 fellowmen. Other people claim, and perhaps 
 with truth, that we are much worse. We 
 are not prepared, for reasons of a purely per 
 sonal nature, to enter into a discussion on 
 this point, but acknowledge that we ex 
 pressed our dissatisfaction with more frank 
 ness, perhaps, than the situation warranted. 
 In fact, if our recollection is correct, we be 
 lieve we then and there publicly wished we 
 had never bought the condemned old house, 
 and made other remarks calculated to pain 
 the oversensitive. 
 
 We were wrong in this. We freely admit 
 it. But then peanut butter, factory-made 
 salad dressing, imitation coffee! Think of
 
 140 A Few Neighbors 
 
 it! How could one expect us, after such a 
 breakfast as that, to balance ourself painfully 
 on the back of a chair, in order to hang on 
 the wall "Washington Crossing the Dela 
 ware," and retain any respect whatever for 
 Washington or the Delaware? How could 
 we elevate "Wide Awake and Fast Asleep" 
 to its proper hook, with any remnant of af 
 fection for that gaudy chromoscope? How 
 could we scale the dining-room mantelpiece 
 and leave pendant "God Bless Our Home," 
 without imagining sentiments of like rhythm 
 but utterly diverse meaning? Think of pea 
 nut butter, factory-made salad dressing, imi 
 tation coffee! 
 
 As we rescued the tidies and nailed them 
 to the hair cloth rockers and sofas; placed 
 the individual fly-screens over what re 
 mained of our frugal meal, and replaced the 
 bric-a-brac on the mahogany whatnot; sort 
 ed out the picture frames made of varnished
 
 A Few Neighbors 141 
 
 shells and corn on the cob; carefully un 
 packed the wax flowers under the glass 
 frame, the beautiful swinging crystal ship 
 that we got years ago at the glass blowers 
 by purchasing a bottle of Radburn s Ready 
 Revivifier, the machine-made dining-room 
 picture in hectic colors of a goblet of lemon 
 ade, a bunch of mammoth grapes and a 
 halved orange, there was no joy in our heart, 
 and no thankfulness for their preservation. 
 
 But the petty annoyances of life do not 
 take very deep root in our sunny and shal 
 low nature, and an excellent dinner of por 
 terhouse steak and real coffee did so much 
 towards completely restoring our mental and 
 moral tone, that we betook ourself with real 
 enthusiasm to putting down the rugs. 
 
 The apple of our wife s eye, the one treas 
 ure of her heart that was first, foremost and 
 everlasting in her sleeping and waking 
 thoughts, was her big parlor rug, known to
 
 142 A Few Neighbors 
 
 patrons of art and department stores as an 
 "Art Square." A few days prior to our re 
 moval, she had prepared it for transportation 
 by carefully wrapping it in tissue paper, and 
 after it had been thoroughly beaten, and 
 cleaned with alcohol it was spread out in that 
 part of our stable sacred to our old box wheel 
 Concord wagon and our Democrat, built in 
 the 40*8. 
 
 That morning when we went to the stable 
 to feed our mare, we found that animal loose 
 in her stall, but, as this was by no means 
 an uncommon occurrence, we fed and fast 
 ened her and returned. But that afternoon, 
 strong from our hearty meal, when the sun 
 shone, the birds sang and we were full of 
 that homely joy, which comes from obstacles 
 conquered and duties well done, we threw 
 open the big door and entered the carriage 
 room, we were perfectly paralyzed at the 
 dreadful sight that met our amazed eyes.
 
 A Few Neighbors 143 
 
 From certain unmistakable signs, we 
 concluded that our mare had wandered 
 into the carriage room, had evidently 
 become fascinated with the beautiful rug 
 and had spent the night upon it, gnaw 
 ing, pawing, lying down, getting up, 
 chewing and cribbing the treasured tapestry, 
 until its glories were departed and its useful 
 ness utterly destroyed. 
 
 Our first thought was to close the doors 
 quietly, pack our grip, and as quietly leave 
 town ; our next was to take our carriage whip 
 to lambaste the destroyer of our peace of 
 mind and our "Art Square;" but before we 
 could put either plan into practice, our wife 
 appeared and was completely unnerved by 
 the dreadful shock. 
 
 We should gladly draw the "Art Square" 
 over the subsequent scene, but it was useless 
 for any purpose, and so in obedience to the 
 custom of book writers we draw either a veil
 
 144 -A F CW Neighbors 
 
 or a mantle of charity, choose which you 
 will. We hope that either is sufficiently 
 opaque to hide completely the scene of do 
 mestic unhappiness that ensued. 
 
 After an hour or so, when things had 
 quieted down a bit, and our voluble explana 
 tions and excuses had in a measure exhaust 
 ed the subject, a long wagon hove in sight, 
 bearing a cartload of red, orange, yellow, 
 green, blue, indigo and violet chairs, garden 
 seats and rockers. With a sincere desire to 
 change the subject and atone in a measure 
 for our carelessness, we suggested that pos 
 sibly an easy rocker or two might add to the 
 picturesqueness of our premises. Thought 
 lessly telling our wife ta get just what she 
 wanted, we started down town to wring 
 from reluctant debtors enough money to pay 
 for a couple of chairs. 
 
 By good luck we happened to meet a client 
 who, strange to say, desired to pay his bill
 
 A Few Neighbors 145 
 
 without criticism of the ratio between ser 
 vices rendered and benefit derived therefrom, 
 and in a few minutes we were on the way 
 back with a comfortable roll. It is these 
 small unexpected happenings that serve to 
 render the practice of law in a country town 
 bearable; these little rifts in the clouds that 
 let sunshine into the life of the country 
 squire. 
 
 When we arrived at the head of Pine 
 Street, we noticed a number of people gath 
 ering in front of the house, and a vast pile 
 of furniture heaped helter, skelter on the 
 sidewalk. There had evidently been an acci 
 dent, for an empty team stood on the other 
 side of the street, and the driver appeared to 
 be engaged in an excited colloquy with our 
 wife. 
 
 How unfortunate for the poor fellow, we 
 thought, to have an accident so early in his 
 trip. We will do what we can to help him,
 
 146 A Few Neighbors 
 
 even if we have to buy a few damaged chairs 
 at proper discount. Never shall it be said 
 that we have sent the worthy and unfortu 
 nate penniless from our door. 
 
 Animated by these kind thoughts, we 
 quickened our pace, pondering over the 
 prospective bargains and, arriving almost 
 out of breath, were rendered completely so 
 by the calm announcement of our wife that 
 she had bought the whole load, ladders and 
 all, and they had been piled up in front of 
 the house. Whereupon, amid a silence so 
 profound that the buzzing of our tortured 
 brain was perfectly audible, we paid forty- 
 seven dollars and seventy-five cents out of 
 the forty-five we had received from our 
 client. Sarcastically inquiring of our wife 
 why she didn t buy the horse and wagon, we 
 strode into the house and slammed the door, 
 leaving our family to carry their purchases 
 in as best they could.
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 OUR WATER SUPPLY. 
 
 "Not a full-blushing goblet would tempt me to 
 
 leave it, 
 Though filled with the nectar that Jupiter sips. * 
 
 ISING the next morning after a heavy 
 slumber of exhaustion, we set our 
 selves briskly, that fs, briskly for us, to the 
 task of improving our water supply. A few 
 years before, we had filled up our well on 
 Court Street, an excellent well, which had 
 been in constant service for about fifty years. 
 At that time there was a moderate epi 
 demic of typhoid in certain parts of our 
 town, and an analysis of several wells 
 showed an alarming predominance of poi 
 sonous matter in the water. In fact, it was 
 openly stated that the wells of Exeter were 
 H7
 
 148 A Few Neighbors 
 
 in a most unsanitary and dangerous condi 
 tion, and that persistence in the use of such 
 water would infallibly result in the total ex 
 tinction of the population. 
 
 True enough, we had felt that spring a 
 greater reluctance to work than ever before. 
 We attributed this to the fact that it was 
 many years since the sulphur arid molasses 
 dish, that old white bowl with the blue rim, 
 had circulated nightly in our immediate fam 
 ily. By our intimate friends and associates 
 of years, our condition was attributed to in 
 creased laziness on our part, in which we are 
 forced to conclude they were probably cor 
 rect. However, on consulting our medical 
 library, which consisted of a blue and gold 
 volume, entitled "The Family Doctor and 
 Medical Advisor at Home" and bearing the 
 portrait of a gentleman garnished with 
 spreading whiskers, of a type that would not 
 look at home anywhere except possibly as
 
 A Few Neighbors 149 
 
 stuffing for a buggy cushion, we found that 
 "Typhoid fever is often preceded by a leth 
 argic condition of the patient, accompanied 
 by occasional pains in the pelvic regions." 
 We had all those. 
 
 "The patient loathes work." We did. 
 
 Mental effort is repugnant." It always 
 was with us. This must have been coming 
 on for a long time. 
 
 "The patient awakes in the morning with 
 mind unrefreshed." So did we. 
 
 "He is capricious and irritable." Our 
 wife had frequently intimated as much. 
 
 It was evident that we were in a pretty 
 bad way. So the first thing we did was to 
 bottle up a quart of our well water to send 
 it to a reputable chemist. 
 
 It chanced, however, that our son, then a 
 small boy, had noticed in a neighbor s rain 
 barrel hundreds of tiny wigglers or unde 
 veloped mosquitoes, and like all boys, desir-
 
 150 T A Few Neighbors 
 
 ing to possess a few of these fascinating ani 
 mals, had dipped up a basin full. Seeing the 
 broad-mouthed bottle where we had un 
 guardedly left it, he emptied out the clean 
 water and filled it with stagnant rain water, 
 alive with microbes, wigglers and other kin 
 dred impurities. 
 
 On our return in the evening we sealed 
 and wrapped up the bottle, directed and sent 
 it, not noticing in the semi-darkness any 
 change in its contents. The next day we re 
 ceived a telegram which read at follows: 
 
 "At work on sample, don t use water on 
 your life." This created considerable inter 
 est in the matter, and we anxiously awaited 
 the result of the analysis. In a few days the 
 analysis arrived, an analysis that fairly 
 electrified the neighborhood and caused the 
 closing of more wells than anything in recent 
 years.
 
 A Few Neighbors 151 
 
 It read as follows : 
 
 Animal matter 3.4682 plus 
 
 Mineral salts 1.8641 
 
 Vegetable matter 2.9653 plus 
 
 Active poisons 3.2876 
 
 Typhus germs 2.451 
 
 Typhoid microbes 2.7862 
 
 Typhoon bacteria 3.6147 
 
 Corpus pollywogorum 3.286 
 
 23.7232 
 
 "This water would kill mud turtles. Its 
 use should be made a felony." 
 
 Before night our well was rilled, in a 
 week s time scarcely a well in our neighbor 
 hood remained in use, and the Exeter Water 
 Works was doing a land office business. It 
 was only when our son wept loudly over the 
 loss of his bottle of pollywogs that we com 
 prehended the situation. Inasmuch as the 
 mischief had been done, we thought it would 
 be wise not to explain matters to our neigh 
 bors, at least at that time, lest we be com-
 
 152 A Few Neighbors 
 
 pelled to re-open wells at our personal ex 
 pense. 
 
 When we learned that there was a famous 
 well of water in the new house, it was one 
 of the powerful incentives which impelled us 
 to the purchase of the place, with the before 
 mentioned accompaniments of mortgage, tax 
 rate, etc. While we did not dislike the town 
 water furnished by the Water Works, we 
 had from infancy been accustomed to water 
 so hard that anything softer than well water 
 did not satisfy a naturally strong thirst; 
 just as beer and light wines are apt to pall 
 upon a stomach accustomed to new rum and 
 barbed-wire whiskey. 
 
 Now we revelled in the prospect of drink 
 ing well water that did not require artificial 
 means for cooling. How many times in the 
 previous two years had we, on a hot summer 
 day, hastened home with throats so dry that 
 we couldn t articulate plainly, only to find
 
 A Few Neighbors 153 
 
 that the ice man had not arrived, and that 
 the tepid water we were forced to drink 
 tasted just as river water used to when we 
 were boys and went fishing. 
 
 By the way, why is it that years ago we 
 could drink unnumbered gallons of river wa 
 ter, and fortunately, for ourself at least, es 
 cape typhoid fever. We could and did step 
 on and lacerate ourself with broken glass, 
 tin cans, rusty knives and other lethal weap 
 ons with only trifling inconvenience, when 
 to-day the slightest pin-prick infallibly re 
 sults in blood poisoning, an operation for 
 appendicitis, and its resulting ceremonies? 
 
 As we have remarked, we were delighted 
 with our well and bragged of it to a sinful 
 degree. The pump to this well was in the 
 kitchen, and at the slightest motion of the 
 handle, water would pour out in an abun 
 dant stream. One thing, however, we wished 
 to change. In the rear part of the house was
 
 154 A Few Neighbors 
 
 a deep, dark cistern, which would naturally 
 be of little use, now that the house was 
 piped for town water. We could not under 
 stand why so careful a man as the former 
 owner had not rilled it up. It really seemed 
 to us to be criminal neglect. An unused cis 
 tern was certainly unsanitary, and the dan 
 ger of children falling into it was imminent. 
 Two men and a team of horses spent the bet 
 ter part of two days in filling up the cistern 
 with stones, broken brick, ashes and coal 
 dust and stamping it down as hard as nails. 
 
 We were somewhat chagrined the next 
 day to find something wrong with our pump. 
 It refused to work, although we poured gal 
 lons of water into it, and pumped and puffed 
 for a half hour or more. 
 
 As we were busy the next two days, we 
 had no time to send for a skilled workman, 
 but at the very first opportunity we secured 
 a mechanic, who after an examination, in
 
 A Few Neighbors 155 
 
 which water, unproductive exertion and vit 
 riolic language played a part, sagely opined 
 that something was wrong with the suction 
 valve. The suction valve was dragged forth 
 for inspection, repaired and replaced. More 
 water poured down the hole in the top, more 
 exertion, more acidulated comment. 
 
 This time the plunger was unquestionably 
 out of plumb. It was disconnected, drawn 
 forth, squinted at, gun-fashion, pronounced 
 true to level and replaced. More water, 
 more see-sawing of pump handle, more un- 
 expurgated oratory. It was evident now 
 that something was wrong with the pipe 
 and expensive preparations were made to 
 pull the pump up bodily. Two brawny work 
 men were sent for, but their united exertions 
 were fruitless. The more they strained and 
 swore, the tighter the pump stuck. Finally, 
 an opening was made in the floor and one of 
 the men descended with a lantern, while the
 
 156 A Few Neighbors 
 
 rest of us kept firm hold of a rope which was 
 tied around his waist, to prevent his falling 
 into the well headlong, and there perishing 
 miserably. 
 
 After a short examination he reported, 
 "Say, boss, dey aint no well here. Dis pump 
 is hitched to a pipe and de pipe runs back 
 under de back room." So by paying out the 
 line he crawled back a few yards and then 
 sung out, "Hey, f alleys, I bumped me coco 
 agenst the well, a big brick one." 
 
 "Why," we lamely explained to the boss, 
 "that Is the cistern, and I had that filled up 
 day before yesterday." 
 
 "Come out, Mike," shouted the boss. 
 "Come on, felleys, we aint no good here. 
 The next time youse want youse pump to 
 give water, youse got to have some water 
 handy, see?" he continued, as Mike, dishev 
 eled, crawled out of the hole in the floor. 
 "Come on, felleys," he growled as he turned
 
 A Few Neighbors 157 
 
 towards the door, "dis aint no speriment sta 
 tion." As they clumped down the steps, I 
 overheard Mike saying, "Did youse ever 
 know a lawyer wat knowed anything?" 
 
 We were too much discouraged to contra 
 dict him.
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 "FALSE DAWN." 
 
 "Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes." 
 
 O O far in our new abode we had seen but 
 *^ little of our new neighbors. It may 
 have been that they were afraid to try to 
 penetrate the thick tangle of underbrush that 
 separated us from the thoroughfare. It may 
 have been, but never mind. At all events 
 we were confident that they welcomed us, for 
 a few evenings after our arrival a magnifi 
 cent bouquet arrived by messenger, as he 
 
 said, from Professor and Mrs. . Now 
 
 that was extremely kind of our good neigh 
 bors and we felt cheered beyond measure. 
 The discouragements of the past few days 
 disappeared as if by enchantment. 
 
 There is nothing that so surely bespeaks 
 158
 
 A Few Neighbors 159 
 
 refinement as a gift of flowers. Corned beef- 
 sandwiches and coffee may evidence strong 
 sympathy and an earnest desire to extend 
 material aid. Ice cream and strawberries 
 may argue more delicacy of taste, greater 
 appreciation of the higher qualities of the 
 donee, but a gift of flowers bespeaks intui 
 tive recognition of that delicacy with which 
 we have long desired our name to be associ 
 ated. It was delightful to feel that recogni 
 tion was at hand. So while our wife dis 
 membered the bouquet and tastefully arrayed 
 the component parts thereof around the 
 room, we sat down and composed a heartfelt 
 letter of thanks to our friend, the Professor, 
 in which we incorporated our best and most 
 idiomatic English, and several choice quota 
 tions which we were at some pains to look 
 up for the occasion. 
 
 Indeed, we then and there resolved to re 
 new our slight acquaintance with the clas-
 
 160 A Fezu Neighbors 
 
 stcs, and to spend at least a part of every 
 day in studying some of the best authors, 
 for the purpose of filling with distinction the 
 position we felt we were called upon to oc 
 cupy. The next day the same messenger ar 
 rived with a choice book of poems on the fly 
 leaf of which was written, "To my friend, 
 in grateful appreciation of his splendid 
 work." 
 
 There could be no doubt of it. Recogni 
 tion had arrived. Belated, delayed, long- 
 looked-for recognition. We could not quite 
 understand what particular work of ours 
 could properly be described as splendid, or 
 could justly merit the token of appreciation 
 we had received ; but never mind that. Other 
 people appreciated us, and we certainly had 
 no desire to question the correctness of their 
 views or the sincerity of their admiration. 
 
 It was evident that we had cast our lot in 
 a very interesting neighborhood indeed. The
 
 A Few Neighbors 161 
 
 next day, when a beautiful spring hat ar 
 rived for our wife, our heart and that of our 
 wife were filled to overflowing. We won 
 dered, what next? Herbert Spencer s 
 "Philosophy of Style" occupied all our even 
 ing, while our wife thoroughly memorized 
 Nevers Suite, "A Day in Venice," in careful 
 preparation for the part we were to play in 
 keeping up the musical and literary tradi 
 tions of the street. 
 
 Nevertheless, we were not unmindful of 
 the condition of our real estate, and the next 
 day essayed to put in a gladsome hour mow 
 ing the lawn. It was 8 o clock when we be 
 gan and we were doing famously, all nature 
 being pervaded with the whirr and clatter of 
 the machine. Grass, weeds, roots, herbs, 
 discarded wire netting, broken glass and 
 crockery were flying in all directions, as we, 
 inspired by cheerful thoughts, blithely 
 pushed the mower to and fro in front of our
 
 1 62 A Few Neighbors 
 
 house, when a prodigious roar from a neigh 
 boring window arrested our progress just as 
 our machine had neatly clipped a tin tobacco 
 box and an old curry-comb to infinitesimal 
 fragments. 
 
 On looking towards the quarter whence 
 the noise proceeded, we saw a massive form 
 clad in toga noctis leaning from the chamber 
 window of a neighboring house and evident 
 ly much disturbed at our unusual proceeding. 
 As we paused in astonishment he hailed us, 
 "Hi there, Plupy, what are you making that 
 infernal noise in the middle of the night for? 
 Don t you want anyone to get any sleep at 
 all?" 
 
 "Why," we stammered, "we thought it 
 was morning. We heard the Academy bell 
 ring twenty minutes ago. What time of day 
 does morning come up here?" 
 
 "Not before 10:30 a. m. That we call 
 daybreak. Eleven a. m. is sunrise, and 11.30
 
 A Few Neighbors 163 
 
 breakfast. We have to hustle to get break 
 fast so soon after sunrise. When I was 
 selectman people used to come frequently be 
 fore breakfast to bother me about town af 
 fairs, but I couldn t stand it and declined a 
 renomination." 
 
 "Well," we answered, "we ll stop right 
 off. We didn t know just how things were 
 up on Pine Street, as we have been here only 
 a few days." 
 
 Have you read the constitution?" he 
 asked, throwing a bath robe over his shoul 
 ders, taking a seat and viewing us judicially. 
 
 "What constitution," we queried, "state 
 or national?" 
 
 "Neither," he replied, "the constitution 
 and laws of Pine Street." 
 
 "Why, no," we said, "we never heard of 
 it." 
 
 "Well," He retorted, "it is a pretty good 
 idea to know something of the country in
 
 164 A Few Neighbors 
 
 which you intend to live. So read this," he 
 continued, throwing us a pamphlet "Good 
 night," he continued, as we ran to pick it up, 
 and yawning heavily he passed to bed. 
 
 The document was so remarkable that we 
 venture to give portions of it here. 
 
 "We, the inhabitants of Pine Street, an 
 outlying district adjacent and appurtenant 
 to the town of Exeter, in order to form a 
 more perfect union, insure domestic tranquil- 
 ity as far as doth lie within us, and provide 
 for the common defense, do hereby ordain 
 and establish this constitution for the resi 
 dents of the said Pine Street. 
 
 "Article I. Daybreak shall be at 10:30 
 A. M. 
 
 "Article 2. Sunrise shall be at 1 1 A. M. 
 
 "Article 3. Breakfast shall be partaken 
 at 1 1 130 A. M. and at no other time. 
 
 "Article 4. Lunch shall be at 1 130. 
 
 "Articles. Dinner shall be at 6 130.
 
 A Few Neighbors 165 
 
 "Article 6. Any resident doing any work 
 on the Sabbath shall be looked upon with 
 disapproving criticism by all and singular 
 the residents thereon. 
 
 "Article 7. Any resident doing more 
 work than is absolutely necessary, or begin 
 ning the same before n A. M., shall be 
 viewed with astonishment, and an inquisi 
 tion de lunatico shall be forthwith held. 
 
 "Article 8. No person shall be deemed a 
 resident in good standing, who shall not 
 make and sign the following declaration and 
 agreement : 
 
 "I, , a resident of Pine Street 
 
 of the town of Exeter, do hereby agree to 
 and with the said town of Exeter, that I will 
 without objection, protest, or outward sign 
 of repining pay any and all taxes that may 
 be levied on any and all real estate. 
 
 "That said taxes shall be charged upon an 
 assessment of three times the value of said 
 real estate.
 
 1 66 A Few Neighbors 
 
 "That inasmuch as Pine Street is remote 
 from said town of Exeter, the residents 
 thereon shall be regarded as non-residents of 
 said town and a sum not exceeding the ac 
 tual value of said real estate shall be added 
 to the assessed value, upon which aggregate 
 sum as a basis the said taxes shall be fig 
 ured. 
 
 "That as a resident of said Pine Street I 
 hereby assent to such doomage as the select 
 men of said town shall make, but in no case, 
 however, shall the doomage be rated on a 
 less sum than three times the value of my 
 personal property. 
 
 "Article 9. At stated intervals a congress 
 of the said residents shall be held for the 
 purpose of asking information upon and dis 
 cussing the following questions : 
 
 "Interrogatory i. Who is the Highway 
 Surveyor of the Town of Exeter, and why ? 
 
 "Interrogatory 2. Of what use is a High 
 way Surveyor any way, and why? 
 
 "Interrogatory 3. Is civilization a failure 
 or is the Caucasian played out ?
 
 A Few Neighbors 167 
 
 Article 10. Any resident can terminate 
 his residence by allowing his real estate to 
 be sold at a tax sale, or by so violating any 
 of the above rules and time schedules as to 
 render himself obnoxious to his neighbors, 
 or by sustaining fatal injuries on the high 
 way. 
 
 Signed." 
 
 After reading this remarkable document 
 we left our lawn mower and our half-mowed 
 lawn and retired to the house to sleep until 
 sunrise. 
 
 We were aroused from a comfortable nap 
 by the arrival of the mail carrier, who, to our 
 confusion, brought us a letter from the pr<3- 
 fessor, who expressed some bewilderment 
 over our epistle of profuse thanks, and de 
 nied having sent us any bouquet. This mys 
 tified us a good deal until an excited mes 
 senger arrived, the same one who had 
 brought us the flowers, the book of poems
 
 1 68 <A Few Neighbors 
 
 and the picture hat He appeared to be la 
 boring under great excitement and not a lit 
 tle indignant. 
 
 "Say," he burst out, "what was ye givin s 
 us when ye said this joint was Professor 
 
 We denied in toto that we had ever 
 claimed to be the professor or to be living 
 on his premises, but admitted that we great 
 ly envied the professor s ability and wished 
 we were the professor. 
 
 "Yes, you did too," insisted the boy, "I 
 told yer the bokay was for the professor and 
 yer took it, an I thought you was him and 
 then I brought yer the dinky little book and 
 the lid with ribbons on it and ye didn t say 
 nothin but just gaffed onto them all, and 
 now the boss is going to fire me for losing 
 the stuff, and its up to you to square me at 
 the office." 
 
 A great light burst upon us, but we could
 
 *A Few Neighbors 169 
 
 only stare at the boy and gasp, open- 
 mouthed. The presents were undoubtedly 
 for the professor and his wife, not from 
 them as we in our idiotic self esteem had 
 thought. Well, we did the best we could 
 under the circumstances. We collected 
 what remained of the flowers, removed our 
 book-mark from the book of poems, luckily 
 intercepted our wife just as she was sallying 
 out in the new hat with the praiseworthy in 
 tention of dazzling the neighbors, explained 
 matters and (somewhat lamely it is true) 
 rescued the hat, wrote an amende honorable 
 to the professor, gave the boy a quarter and 
 retired to think the matter over. 
 
 Our reflections were not roseate. We felt 
 obliged to contract for a new hat for our 
 wife at great expense, our self esteem was 
 damaged almost beyond repair, but one 
 thing we were thankful for that our wife
 
 170 A Few Neighbors 
 
 had not appeared on the street with that Hat. 
 What dreadful complications might have 
 arisen !
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 WE HAVE A ""SMALL AND EARLY." 
 
 "ir^ HERE is certainly no time of year in 
 * which the good red blood runs so 
 swiftly in our veins as in the spring and 
 early summer, that is, reckoning spring as 
 beginning about the first of May. Of course 
 our blood may get a fillip or two in April or 
 possibly in the latter part of March, when an 
 occasional day in which the thermometer 
 does not go below the freezing point, is 
 sandwiched in between days when the 
 ground freezes as hard as nails and the wind 
 whisks everything in sight wrong side up 
 and inside out 
 
 Such days entrap us unto leaving our 
 overcoat at home and contracting seeds of 
 171
 
 172 A Few Neighbors 
 
 pulmonary trouble that require the entire 
 heated season to eradicate, aided by unlim 
 ited indulgence in aqua fortis, tar balsam, 
 cherry pectoral, mustard poultices, and por 
 ous plasters that induce untold agonies on 
 removal and require the united strength of 
 the entire family with scissors, nippers and 
 solvents to remove, and which leave on our 
 manly bosom and statuesque torso an ad 
 hesive, tarlike, gummy substance, which 
 time alone and our new summer flannels 
 wear away. 
 
 Such days induce us to allow the furnace 
 fire to go out, and to return at night from 
 a warm and comfortable office to find our 
 wife and children in overcoats, ear muffs, 
 and mittens, the canary bird frozen to his 
 perch, the aquarium skimmed over with 
 about three inches of ice, all the water pipes 
 burst, and the only means of heating the
 
 A Few Neighbors 173 
 
 rooms the warm comments of our wife, 
 which admirably, but only temporarily, an 
 swer the purpose. 
 
 When spring really comes and we are as 
 sured that nothing but severe frosts will 
 supervene between the first of May and the 
 first of August, we .generally look around for 
 a small garden spot in which to deposit for 
 germination the government seeds with 
 which the Congressman from our district, 
 desiring to secure a continuance of our fa 
 vor in future elections, has lavishly endowed 
 us. 
 
 We always feel at this time a wave of en 
 thusiasm stealing over us, which induces us 
 to do boyish things, incompatible with our 
 age and the dignity that is ordinarily asso 
 ciated with years. One morning, issuing 
 from our side door, we were so intoxicated 
 with the bright sunshine and the balmy
 
 174 A Few Neighbors 
 
 spring air that we carelessly shied a stone 
 into space like the poetic gentleman who 
 
 "Shot an arrow in the air, 
 
 It fell to earth, I know not where." 
 
 That stone differed from the arrow in 
 this, .that we found out almost immediately 
 just where it fell. It described a curve, shot 
 over the fence and impacted against the 
 plump side of a milkman s horse standing in 
 the street, with the result that the ordinarily 
 quiet animal started off at a prodigious rate, 
 followed by the milkman, who, hearing the 
 rattling of cans, burst from the side door of 
 a neighbor s house with a promptness sur 
 prising, and a readiness of language quite 
 indescribable. 
 
 The horse soon stopped, being quite too 
 fat to run far, and its innocent jaws were 
 rudely jerked by its irate owner. As no 
 damage was done, we did not take the troub 
 le to inform him as to the cause of the
 
 A Few Neighbors 175 
 
 erratic conduct of his horse. It is just as well 
 not to foster carelessness in milkmen or 
 other people who leave spirited animals loose 
 in the public street. Then this particular 
 milkman was of burly proportions as well 
 as lingual attainments, while we are light, 
 graceful and reed-like in our figure, or as 
 Simeon Ford has said, "Nature has not been 
 very lavish to us in the matter of fleshly 
 charms." 
 
 This experience amused us so much that 
 we doubled up with laughter every time we 
 thought of the terrific strides and sinful lan 
 guage of the enraged milkman as he sped 
 rapidly after his elusive wagon and rattling 
 milk cans. We were just going off in a fresh 
 fit, when we happened to think of our fool 
 proceedings in regard to the flowers, the 
 book and the hat, and we were sobered in an 
 instant. For some unaccountable reason we 
 cannot avoid experiencing bitter chagrin
 
 176 A Few Neighbors 
 
 whenever we make a fool of ourself, so that 
 during a great part of our waking hours we 
 are blushing hotly at our mistakes. This 
 shows that we are not wholly depraved, that 
 our conscience is not yet dead nor our amour 
 propre utterly at rest. 
 
 After thinking the matter over, we con 
 sulted our wife and finally decided that it 
 would be a good idea to maintain, as far as 
 possible, a sort of open house to our friends, 
 in which the dyspeptic sandwich and the re 
 freshing lemonade might be available at all 
 proper hours, while the sound of instrumen 
 tal music and the soft harmony of blended 
 voices should entice, entertain and win over. 
 
 During our residence in the "Greek Quar 
 ter" we attempted to inaugurate a series of 
 musical Thursday evenings, but the attend 
 ance rapidly fell off when the quality of the 
 refreshments began to deteriorate. As a re 
 sult of our assiduous practice for the musi-
 
 A Few Neighbors 177 
 
 cal part of the entertainment, our nearest 
 neighbor sold out a flourishing business, dis 
 posed of his local real estate and removed, 
 horror stricken, to Boston. An eminent di 
 vine, who resided within uncomfortable ear 
 shot of our premises, promptly resigned a 
 pastorate of twenty-five years and removed 
 to Hartford, Conn., as he evidently thought 
 Boston not sufficiently remote to guarantee 
 oblivion. 
 
 But we had improved since that time. We 
 had taken the hint, so 1 kindly but firmly 
 given, when our generous offer to perform 
 a solo upon the tuba at the musicale was 
 courteously refused, and had gone back to 
 our first love, the B flat clarinet, and had also 
 reduced the C string of the viola to partial 
 subjection. Our idea was a sort of salon in 
 which the literati, the witterati and the mu- 
 sicati (we do not guarantee the correctness
 
 178 A Few Neighbors 
 
 of these titles) should gather to charm, edu 
 cate and delight all. 
 
 We determined to have a preliminary 
 party, limited to a few relatives and friends; 
 who were to come to supper and remain 
 through the evening to listen to our music. 
 We reasoned in this wise : "If the supper is 
 good, they may be able to endure the music, 
 while if the supper is bad, the music may be 
 a relief in distracting thought." 
 
 Our wife decided to have the party on 
 Thursday evening. A written list of guests 
 was given us, with explicit instructions as to 
 day and hour, and a list of articles needed 
 for the table linen and new glasses, as well 
 as lobsters, cream, early strawberries and 
 other dainties. Both schedules we solemnly 
 promised to fill, and to avoid errors we at 
 once drove about town and made the neces 
 sary announcements. As it was Tuesday, 
 we deferred ordering the refreshments until
 
 A Few Neighbors 179 
 
 the next day, in order to have as nearly fresh 
 supplies as possible. 
 
 On Wednesday we were called out of 
 town on business and on our return on the 
 5:17 train found the music room full of peo 
 ple and a wild-eyed, hysterical wife awaiting 
 us in the kitchen. As near as we could get 
 the story from her whispered and dramatic 
 recital, she had been working all day clean 
 ing house, and had just changed her dress 
 
 when the bell rang and Mrs. and Miss 
 
 arrived, irreproachably dressed. They 
 
 were admitted, immediately removed their 
 hats and wraps and congratulated her on 
 having such a good night for a party. 
 
 While she was mechanically trying to col 
 lect her thoughts and make her guests wel 
 come, more guests arrived, who in turn re 
 moved their hats and wraps and in turn con 
 gratulated her on having so delightful an 
 evening for her musicale. These were fol-
 
 180 A Few Neighbors 
 
 lowed by others who extended their felicita 
 tions over so beautiful an evening for her 
 little dinner. 
 
 "And what do you think," she hoarsely 
 whispered, "there isn t a thing in the house 
 to eat, not even a loaf of bread, and you! 
 you ! ! you ! ! ! have gone and invited a dozen 
 people here the wrong night ! Oh," but her 
 voice failed even to whisper, and she wrung 
 her hands, creakingly. 
 
 We have had the ground cut from under 
 our feet so often in the trial of cases in court, 
 that we are able to face unexpected problems 
 with some composure and considerable re 
 sourceful fertility in getting out of scrapes. 
 Here was one that for a moment nonplussed 
 us, but only for a moment. An idea occurred 
 to us. "Have you any canned stuff in the 
 house?" we whispered. 
 
 "Canned stuff at an evening party!" she 
 wailed.
 
 A Few Neighbors 181 
 
 "It s our only resource," we retorted, 
 "hustle out everything. Mary can make 
 some salad dressing. You open a can of 
 chicken and cut it up. Dick, skip for the 
 baker and get some rolls. Come in the back 
 way so our guests won t see you. Order 
 some lettuce and fancy crackers, speak for 
 some frozen pudding and tell them to make 
 it strong. Have brandied cherries for 
 sauce. Nunc vino pellete curas I will en 
 tertain the guests," and we rushed up stairs 
 to change our collar and cuffs, leaving the 
 kitchen, so lately a scene of desolation, a 
 busy hive of cheerful industry. 
 
 Having removed the dust of travel from 
 our garments and traces of care from our 
 countenance, we descended to our guests, 
 and, stimulated by the dreadful condition of 
 affairs, we ranged at will through law, poli 
 tics, religion, fashions, music, the drama, 
 horticulture, market gardening, the relative
 
 1 82 A Few Neighbors 
 
 value of malted milk and Mellen s food, Mrs. 
 Winslow s Soothing Syrup, Sanford s Ja 
 maica Ginger and plain gin for infantile 
 colic, and other matters of kindred impor 
 tance. In short, we displayed brilliant quali 
 ties hitherto unknown, and kept our guests 
 in the air for an hour. When at length din 
 ner was announced and the guests were seat 
 ed, we confessed our predicament. A roar 
 went round the table that made the glasses 
 dance, and to our unqualified surprise the 
 dinner was a success, the guests vying with 
 one another in complimenting our wife on 
 her fertility of resource. 
 
 Indeed, so pleased were they that they en 
 dured what followed the music without a 
 murmur, and advised us to write up the 
 party. So we, have.
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 A TRADE IN COWS. 
 
 T T OWEVER spacious one s grounds, 
 * -* however staunch and well equipped 
 one s home, it is to one s neighbors that one 
 looks for a great deal that makes life in a 
 country town pleasant. We cannot under 
 stand how one can get along without good 
 neighbors. If we are short of money, how 
 pleasant it is to run across the yard or vault 
 over the back fence to a neighbor, who is bet 
 ter off in worldly goods than we are, and 
 negotiate a slight loan. If we need an egg 
 for breakfast, and our neighbor s hens have 
 not laid the day before in our barn where we 
 have fixed an attractive nest for them, how 
 easy to skip over to his place and solicit half 
 a dozen; or if we have hens and our neigh- 
 183
 
 184 A Few Neighbors 
 
 bor has not, to allow our hens to pasture on 
 his lawn. 
 
 By persistency and a pleasant smile we 
 can easily furnish ourself at our neighbor s 
 expense, with tea, coffee, sugar, lemons, um 
 brellas, hellebore, hammers, fruit, wheelbar 
 rows, lettuce, sheet music, overshoes, can 
 openers, chairs for funerals, baking powder, 
 screws for the screen door, spices and count 
 less other things, the purchase of which 
 would entail loss of time and money. 
 
 We never met but one unaccommodating 
 neighbor, and he has now gone to his re 
 ward. Once we built a new fence between 
 our lot and his, and in a very unusual burst 
 of generosity paid for the whole of it ourself. 
 We were pained, indignant and profane, 
 when we returned from an absence of three 
 days to find that our thrifty neighbor had 
 moved our fence nearly three feet over on 
 our side. Under the persuasions of our
 
 A Few Neighbors 185 
 
 wife, who dreaded a row, we said nothing, 
 and after our neighbor s not untimely death, 
 as we viewed it, we bought the disputed strip 
 of land from his administrator for a large 
 sum. 
 
 We like our neighbors and we try to con 
 duct ourselves in so propitiatory a manner as 
 to win their approval and unqualified friend 
 ship. In one particular we have been assist 
 ed. Shortly after our arrival, the neighbor 
 hood received a notable addition in the shape 
 of our venerable father and the rest of his 
 family, who bought, mortgaged and other 
 wise fitted up the residence opposite ours. 
 
 This we attributed to the fact that they 
 couldn t bear the separation from us, but that 
 reason was scouted by our venerable father, 
 hereinafter known as the "Old Gentleman," 
 who said that his only reason for changing 
 his residence in his old age was to enable 
 him to advise us, look after us and loan us
 
 1 86 A Few Neighbors 
 
 money when we "went broke." He further 
 stated that he had done this all his life and 
 felt as if he must keep it up, like any other 
 pernicious habit. We surmise, however, that 
 the prospect of an occasional cow or horse 
 trade with a certain neighbor, hereinafter 
 known as Dan, for the reason that Dan is an 
 abbreviated form of his Christian name, had 
 much to do with his removal. 
 
 Now Dan and the old gentleman were 
 veteran traders in horses, carriages, and 
 especially in cows. Dan, as a gentleman of 
 wealth, was considerable of an expert in the 
 more valuable horses and cows, and he gen 
 erally landed the old gentleman in a cow or 
 horse trade, but the old gentleman was right 
 at home in the line of second-hand harnesses 
 and ancient wagons, so that if he could get 
 Daniel into a trade in these articles he rather 
 more than evened up any advantage that
 
 A Few Neighbors 187 
 
 Dan might have gained in live-stock transac 
 tions. 
 
 The amount of chaffering and trading 
 they would do during six months with a cow, 
 a horse, a tub or two of butter, a couple of 
 old harnesses and a well-worn "Brownel!" 
 was wonderful. It reminded one of the ex 
 ample of A paying $1.88 to B, who owed 
 precisely that sum to C, who in turn paid it 
 to D, who liquidated and paid a claim to E, 
 who settled a long standing account with F, 
 who paid A the identical sum back in re 
 sponse to a perfectly just demand from that 
 gentleman, proving that vast financial and 
 monetary transactions can be effected with 
 rapid circulation of small capital. 
 
 One trade of our neighbors deserves more 
 than a passing notice. Dan had for once 
 met the old gentleman on his own ground 
 and been badly worsted. The old gentleman, 
 in return for a very fair Concord wagon, a
 
 1 88 A Few Neighbors 
 
 harness and a couple of tubs of butter, had 
 palmed off on Daniel a Hereford cow that 
 couldn t be milked with anything short of a 
 stone-crusher, and Daniel was watching very 
 sharply for an opportunity to even up scores. 
 He was more than anxious to trip the old 
 gentleman up for this additional reason: 
 
 A year before Dan had sold to a near 
 neighbor of the old gentleman a couple of 
 valuable cows. One of these caught cold, 
 developed garget, with fever and partial 
 paralysis, and became worse than worthless. 
 The neighbor, realizing that the cow was 
 perfectly sound when he bought her, pock- 
 eted his loss with smiling philosophy, and 
 tried in vain to cure the animal, which had 
 added to its infirmities by the loss of an eye. 
 
 At this juncture the old gentleman came 
 on the scene, and made things lively for Dan 
 and the neighbor. Every time he found 
 them together he would comment so insinu-
 
 A Few Neighbors 189 
 
 atingly on what he termed Daniel s perfidy 
 to an innocent friend, that the friend came 
 to consider himself an aggrieved and much- 
 swindled man, greatly to Daniel s confusion 
 and considerably to his pecuniary depletion, 
 for Daniel was a liberal and kind-hearted 
 man. 
 
 Finally, Dan bought back the cow secretly, 
 upon the friend s agreement to say nothing 
 to the old gentleman, who, believing the cow 
 had died, took further opportunity to com 
 ment publicly on Daniel s reprehensible be 
 havior to his, the old gentleman s nearest 
 neighbor. 
 
 The next spring the old gentleman, sit 
 ting comfortably upon His piazza, hailed 
 Dan driving by. 
 
 "Hello, Dan, where are you off to?" 
 
 "Hello, George, going up to see some cows 
 I ve bought. Like to go?"
 
 igo A Few Neighbors 
 
 "Yes, I would, Dan, I want a good cow 
 myself." 
 
 "All right, George, climb in, I ll show you 
 all I have got, but I don t believe I have any 
 to suit you. How good a cow do you want, 
 George? 1 
 
 "Well, Dan, I am not very hard to suit. 
 I want a cow that will give 12 to 14 quarts, 
 an easy milker." 
 
 Off they drove to a barn on the Kingston 
 road which Dan had hired and filled with 
 cattle, the proceeds of successful trades. Ar 
 rived at the barn, they entered, and Daniel 
 began to eulogize the animals in turn. 
 
 "Here s one, George, grade Jersey, three- 
 year-old, calves June ist, bred to Ayrshire. 
 That ought to make you a good one. Here s 
 a half Durham, calved last February, gives 
 sixteen quarts. Here s a Devon, calves in 
 May. Make you a nice little milker." 
 
 Thus Dan went down the line, carefully
 
 A Few Neighbors 191 
 
 avoiding any mention of or comment upon 
 a certain cow near the end of the line, one 
 in good flesh, which stood rather stiffly, but 
 very quietly in her place. The old gentle 
 man, always on guard, especially when 
 trading with his friend Daniel, noticed the 
 omission and promptly inquired about that 
 cow. 
 
 "Well, I don t believe you would want that 
 cow, George, and even if you did I don t be 
 lieve I want to sell her. Now here is a half 
 Ayrshire, she will please you, make you a 
 good cow. 
 
 "Never mind about the Ayrshire, Daniel. 
 I am not here to purchase any old line-back 
 cow that you may see fit to saddle on me. I 
 have seen cows before, although I was never 
 guilty of such perfidy as you were when you 
 sold that cow to your friend. Ah, Daniel, I 
 see you recall that transaction perfectly." 
 
 "Well, I guess I shall never have a chance
 
 192 A Few Neighbors 
 
 to forget it as long as you live, Mr. Shute," 
 Dan replied with a twinkle in his eye, "but 
 you don t want that cow." 
 
 "That cow, Daniel, is the very animal I do 
 want," replied the old gentleman, adding 
 with fine sarcasm, "perhaps you would like 
 to palm off an old gargetty cow on me as 
 you did on your friend. But come right 
 down to business now, Daniel, without any 
 more fooling and state your price on that 
 cow." The old gentleman patted her on the 
 flank and started to walk in between her and 
 her neighbor. 
 
 "Hold on, George," said Dan quickly, 
 "don t get near that next cow, she is a leetle 
 onreliable, " and the old gentleman backed 
 away quickly from the dangerous neighbor 
 hood. 
 
 "Well, Daniel, how will you trade for 
 that cow?" insisted the old gentleman, re 
 turning to the firing line, "Unless," he added
 
 A Few Neighbors 193 
 
 "you are intending to crawfish out of a trade. 
 What is it? Are you getting a little afraid 
 of me?" 
 
 "Well, no, not exactly afraid, but a little 
 cautious since you cheated me so fearfully 
 when you traded me that choke-barrelled old 
 Hereford for the Concord wagon and the 
 other things. By the way, George, have you 
 got that Concord now? If you have, we 
 might trade," he added tentatively. 
 
 "Just had it new painted," replied the old 
 gentleman briskly, "and if you really mean 
 business, I will give you the Concord for the 
 cow." 
 
 "That s liberal of you, to offer a second 
 hand Concord for that cow," scoffed Dan. 
 "If you want to trade, speak up and make 
 me a reasonable offer, like a man." 
 
 "But the Concord is as good as new," in 
 sisted the old gentleman. 
 
 "That cow stands to me for more than
 
 194 -d- Few Neighbors 
 
 that," said Daniel, "and she don t go for any 
 Concord wagon that you own, Georgie, my 
 friend." 
 
 "What do you say to my throwing in that 
 harness you let me have?" queried the old 
 gentleman, smoothly. 
 
 "Well, my Christian friend, that comes a 
 little nearer right than before," said Daniel 
 cheerfully, "but it isn t enough by quite a 
 figure. If you will throw in about two tubs 
 of butter, why the cow is yours, Mr. Shute, 
 and you have made the most remarkable 
 trade ever made in these parts," said Dan, 
 assuming a judicial appearance and lighting 
 a fresh cigar. 
 
 "I haven t a single tub to give, but I will 
 tell you the last thing I will do, Daniel, I 
 will give you two dollars and fifty cents," 
 said the old gentleman. 
 
 "Make it five and it s a trade," said Dan. 
 
 "Three," said the old gentleman.
 
 A Few Neighbors 195 
 
 "Five," insisted Dan. 
 
 "Three," said the old gentleman. 
 
 "Five!" 
 
 "Three fifty!" 
 
 "Five!" 
 
 "Four!" 
 
 "Five!" 
 
 "Four fifty!" 
 
 "Five!" 
 
 "Well, you are the meanest cuss, Daniel, 
 for a neighbor, I ever saw," reproachfully 
 remarked the old gentleman. 
 
 "Five!" said Daniel. 
 
 "Well," said the old gentleman, "five it 
 is, but I didn t expect such treatment from a 
 friend and my nearest neighbor, one whom 
 I carried off the field of battle when he was 
 wounded. Now no crawfishing, Daniel, 
 here is the five," handing him two twos and 
 a one, with great satisfaction. 
 
 "And now, Daniel, man to man, as long
 
 196 A Few Neighbors 
 
 as the trade is made, with no chance to 
 crawfish out of it, what sort of a cow is she ?" 
 demanded the old gentleman, with the exult 
 ant air of one who has made a good trade. 
 
 "Well, Mr. Shute," said Dan, slowly and 
 with evident enjoyment, "you ought to know 
 about this cow, she lived in your neighbor 
 hood for quite a spell and you talked enough 
 about her then." 
 
 "Suffering Moses !" yelled the old gentle 
 man, "Do you mean to say you have gone 
 and traded me that one-eyed old gargetty, 
 paralyzed cow?" 
 
 "The very cow, Georgie," said Dan af 
 fably, as he complacently flecked the ashes 
 from his cigar. 
 
 "Well, I ll be blankety dashed," said the 
 old gentleman. 
 
 "Tag!" said Daniel cheerfully. 
 
 Two weeks later the invalid cow passed 
 quietly and peacefully away.
 
 A Few Neighbors 197 
 
 Dan and the old gentleman are still spar 
 ring for an opening, with honors easy.
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 WE GIVE A TEMPERANCE ADDRESS. 
 
 UNEXPECTED assistance was tendered 
 us in our struggle for social stand 
 ing. We were invited to deliver an address 
 on temperance in a neighboring town. We 
 were somewhat surprised at the request, for 
 we had never been regarded as a particu 
 larly appropriate advocate in that line or, we 
 must admit, in any other. 
 
 A local option law had just been passed, 
 by the provisions of which special meetings 
 were to be held in each town and city, where 
 the matter of saloons or no saloons was to 
 be decided by ballot. Our own town had for 
 some years been a dry town, owing to the 
 vigilance of the police and a strong public 
 sentiment behind them. As local magis- 
 198
 
 A Few Neighbors 199 
 
 trate, we had been instrumental in "admin 
 istering cloture" to a good many violators of 
 the old law, and therefore we were certainly 
 in the line of good citizenship. 
 
 On account of our several hundred acad 
 emy students, our citizens took a great inter 
 est in keeping the moral standing of the 
 neighboring towns up to the mark. So when 
 we received a phone from a reverend gentle 
 man in an adjacent seaport asking us to de 
 liver an address on the provisions of the new 
 law, at the town hall on the coming Sunday, 
 we did not allow him to hang up the receiver 
 until he was thoroughly convinced that we 
 would be on hand. 
 
 This was undoubtedly the opportunity of 
 our life, an opportunity that in all human 
 probability would come to us but once and 
 we embraced it fondly. The chance to make 
 a public address had never before arrived. 
 True enough, we had made occasional semi-
 
 2OO A Few Neighbors 
 
 public addresses before juries, judges and 
 auditors, but even these were not so frequent 
 as to cause remark, or, to speak more accu 
 rately, were so infrequent as to occasion re 
 mark. Moreover, as our style of oratory 
 never seemed to have upon the parties at 
 which it was aimed just the effect we calcu 
 lated, we thought perhaps our peculiar style 
 might be better calculated to arouse the 
 sleeping conscience of the public in affairs of 
 vital and far-reaching consequence. 
 
 At all events, we laid aside whatever work 
 we had on hand, took down "Familiar Quo 
 tations," "Oratory as an Art," "Speeches of 
 American Statesmen," and "Laws of 1903," 
 and set to work. The five days preceding 
 the Sunday in question were devoted to 
 patient research, painstaking committing to 
 memory of appropriate quotations and sta 
 tistics, and laborious application of recondite 
 principles.
 
 A Few Neighbors 201 
 
 We "had casually mentioned the subject to 
 our wife, and invited her to accompany us, 
 to witness the effect of the sledge-hammer 
 blows we proposed to deliver. What was 
 more natural than that our wife should cas 
 ually mention the fact to a few of her neigh 
 bors and friends, with a view to enhancing 
 our importance in the community. What 
 was more natural than that these neighbors 
 should feel a sudden interest in seeing just 
 how we would treat a matter of so much 
 importance. The consequence was, it was 
 proposed that a party be made up to accom 
 pany us to the seaside, to view and applaud 
 the utter downfall of our "tr-r-r-emendously 
 powerful opponent ah." 
 
 A three-seated vehicle was engaged at our 
 expense by this liberal lady, and when the 
 time arrived we were painfully astonished 
 and embarrassed at the jovial company that 
 not only assembled to see us off, but insisted
 
 2O2 A Few Neighbors 
 
 on coming with us. We were but indifferent 
 company during the ride. Our guests 
 amused themselves with song, quip and joke, 
 but we were arranging our points, "mar 
 shalling our assets," so to speak. 
 
 We arrived at the hall and were ushered 
 with ceremony to the platform, where we 
 were greeted with marked courtesy by six 
 ministers of the gospel, with whom, in some 
 way, we did not feel exactly at our ease. We 
 think it was their coats. 
 
 Why is it that country clergymen, and a 
 good many city ones, think it part of their 
 duty to wear long-tailed black broadcloth 
 coats and white neckties upon every occa 
 sion. Granted their right to wear them in 
 the pulpit behind which the flapping tails are 
 hidden. Is it necessary to solemnize every 
 public observance with these mourning gar 
 ments? When we were shunted effusively 
 from one divine to another who solemnly
 
 A Few Neighbors 203 
 
 pump-handled us, we felt the crying need of 
 a long-tailed black ourself. We also felt a 
 drop in our barometer when we were intro 
 duced as a distinguished divine from a 
 neighboring town, and marked the amuse 
 ment that this mistake caused. 
 
 However, we strode forth and harangued 
 the vast audience. We had calculated with 
 great nicety the arrangement of our ma 
 terial. One cannot expect to win a patient 
 hearing from fair-minded people by abruptlv 
 delivering a logical "bat on the head," or by 
 roughly trampling on any pet theories. One 
 should conciliate an audience, win their fa 
 vor, excite their interest. We essayed to do 
 this. We told a few stories, and then re 
 minded our hearers that we were not there 
 to argue for the abolition of cider in mince 
 pies, or bay rum for close shaving ; that we 
 had been known in lucid periods to partake 
 heartily of frozen pudding, and that we al-
 
 204 A Few Neighbors 
 
 ways felt a sense of disappointment when 
 Roman punch was missing from any elab 
 orate banquet to which we were invited. We 
 also told them, as a profound secret, that it 
 had been a custom in our family from re 
 mote ages to serve plum pudding aflame with 
 blazing brandy. By these means we began 
 to feel our audience in sympathy with us, 
 though at the expense of the members of the 
 W. C. T. U. and, as we also felt, the clergy 
 men gathered in our rear. But we knew 
 that their vote and influence were safe. It 
 was the audience we were after. 
 
 We then proceeded to remind them that 
 the time had come when the safety of our 
 homes, the welfare of our community and 
 our own personal integrity was at stake, 
 when those of us who were men in the truest 
 sense should stand out as men. We then 
 told them we were there simply to discuss in 
 a quiet, friendly and unemotional manner
 
 A Few Neighbors 205 
 
 the comparative advantages of saloon and 
 saloonless communities without heat, with 
 out passion, and without prejudice. To make 
 good our words, we proceeded to thunder a 
 few invectives, and people began to go out 
 singly, in pairs and in groups. As most of 
 those retiring, slammed the door, it made a 
 staccato accompaniment to our frenzied 
 periods. 
 
 Having adroitly rid ourself of a large part 
 of our audience, and avoided the unsanitary 
 condition of a crowded house, we then ex 
 pounded the law to them, with such effect 
 that the exodus from the hall became practi 
 cally continuous, and the few who remained 
 held their heads in their hands in utter be 
 wilderment. When the address was finished 
 the hall was practically deserted, but we felt 
 that at least we had made a moving speech. 
 
 The ride home was accomplished without 
 accident and without remark. Blank and
 
 2o6 A Few Neighbors 
 
 oppressive silence reigned. We have never 
 dared to ask our wife whether or not she 
 deemed her little party a success, but judging 
 from her facial expression that evening and 
 for several days thereafter, we have doubts 
 of her estimation of the evening as one of 
 unalloyed enjoyment.
 
 CHAPTER XVIII 
 
 "CORRECT FORM/ 
 
 The path to social eminence, even in a 
 country town, is thorny, hard and hedged in 
 with technical difficulties that try the soul 
 and ruin the patience of all but the most 
 persisent and calculating of diplomats. The 
 most serious of our many faults, among 
 those that shine forth in the glare of noon 
 day, is what our wife terms, "an utter want 
 of dignity befitting a man of middle age." 
 This she attributes partly to the fact that we 
 had, for many years prior to her opportune 
 arrival on the scene, belonged to a brass 
 band; partly to our defective bringing up, 
 and partly to constitutional defects, which, 
 while ineradicable, she fondly hoped might 
 be dimmed, or whitewashed by the mezzo- 
 207
 
 208 A Few Neighbors 
 
 tint effect of classical surroundings and other 
 refinements of advanced civilization. 
 
 We have a title, which, like our carefully- 
 hung-away Prince Albert coat, is a decided 
 misfit. While we are not ashamed of the 
 title exactly, we feel that it has good reason 
 to be ashamed of us. At all events, we feel 
 decidedly out of place when anyone ad 
 dresses us by it. We know everyone in 
 town, and much prefer addressing individual 
 members of the populace as "Jimmy," 
 "Jack," "Billy" or "Skeet," instead of the 
 less familiar Watson, Warren, Burke or Kel- 
 ley. We have done this all our life, and 
 obstinately draw the line at any innovation 
 that might tend to make our relations with 
 "the boys" more formal and distant. We 
 are willing to be as formal and distant as 
 you please to people we do not like, or who 
 do not like us. 
 
 Again, the rules of "Correct Form" lay
 
 A Few Neighbors 209 
 
 obligations upon us that are irksome and 
 which we would fain shirk. For instance, 
 when we are invited to an entertainment at 
 the house of a friend, it seems the proper 
 thing to announce our acceptance by meeting 
 that friend on the street, slapping him on the 
 back and saying, "Oh, Billy, it was no end 
 good of you to ask us to come round Wed 
 nesday. We will be on hand. My wife is 
 cleaning my festal garments with gasoline 
 this minute, and all business stops at the of 
 fice that day." 
 
 In comparison with this, the dead-cold 
 and stereotyped phrase prescribed by "Cor 
 rect Form," seems tame and unenthusiastic 
 in the extreme. 
 
 Again, when guests were departing, we 
 could never get over the obsolete custom of 
 accompanying them to the door, speeding 
 them with jocose remarks, and urgent re 
 quests to come again, helping them down
 
 2io A Few Neighbors 
 
 the steps, and in times of storm and tempest, 
 escorting them to their carriages. 
 
 To bow them out with dignity and let 
 them pick their way down the dangerous 
 step, "unattended" and "unaccompanied," 
 seemed discourteous and unfriendly. Occa 
 sionally, to hear a thump and a shriek and 
 then a succession of regular thumps as they 
 shot down the icy inclines, left in our mind 
 the disagreeable sensation of a duty unper 
 formed. Therefore we insist on accompany 
 ing our guests to the door and assisting them 
 down the steps in wet and icy weather. Oc 
 casionally, we fall down the steps with them, 
 but to our mind, falling down the front 
 steps with a departing guest is very different 
 from leaving them to fall unprotected, alone 
 and unattended. 
 
 There are countless other ways in which 
 our preconceived notions of things receive a 
 series of severe shocks. Do we praise a
 
 A Few Neighbors 211 
 
 hostess cooking, we are treated to an exhi 
 bition of stoniness of visage that spreads 
 around the table like a blighting frost. We 
 notice, however, that the hostess always ap 
 pears delighted at these little gaucheries of 
 ours, and that the lines of worry on her face 
 smooth out immediately. 
 
 But we must admit we are a failure in the 
 social line. Our wife will testify to that. 
 Our sisters will pile up cumulative evidence 
 , of that fact. Only a few evenings ago when 
 we were walking down town we overheard a 
 little conversation that was evidently not in 
 tended for our particular ears, but as it must 
 have been perfectly audible to everyone 
 within fifty yards, and as we were exercising 
 our rights as a sober and law-abiding citizen 
 in walking on a public highway, we felt a 
 proprietary interest in that conversation. 
 The gentleman in the light box-coat, glasses 
 and tan gloves, was evidently giving a few
 
 212 A Few Neighbors 
 
 friendly pointers to a new-comer, with the 
 affable intention of guarding him against un 
 desirable acquaintances, and the new-comer 
 was listening intently, anxious to avoid the 
 pitfalls of society in a country town. 
 
 "Oh, yes, Exeter as a town has a certain 
 tone of cultivation, a sort of-er-er-social clas- 
 sicalness, one might say. This is a state of 
 things you will find in all college or academy 
 towns, er, and is-er generated and fostered 
 by the Academy and those-er connected with 
 its-er-well being." 
 
 "But how about the people?" queried the 
 new-comer. "There are, of course, desirable 
 acquaintances to be made among the towns 
 people, are there not?" 
 
 "Oh-er-yes, yes. Some fine old residents 
 here, some educated people, some cultivated 
 and travelled people. You will find them in 
 every Academy town." 
 
 Here followed a public enumeration of the
 
 A Few Neighbors 213 
 
 fine old people whose acquaintance would be 
 desirable, but, although we waited expect 
 antly, we did not hear our name mentioned. 
 
 Following this, came a specification of the 
 educated people whose acquaintance would 
 be a distinct social boost to one desiring to 
 cast his lot in our town. To our keen disap 
 pointment, our name did not appear in this 
 list. 
 
 Finally, the anxiously awaited list of cul 
 tivated and travelled people, whose patron 
 age meant social distinction to one desiring 
 to enter the exclusive circle, arrived. 
 
 We hesitated with breathless interest, like 
 one waiting to be reprieved, but no reprieve 
 came. Our sentence was absolute. We took 
 out our handkerchief and wiped our clammy 
 brow. 
 
 It had come. In spite of our heart-break 
 ing efforts for recognition, we were outside 
 the pale. True, our grandfather had been a
 
 214 ^ F ew Neighbors 
 
 member of the legislature and our great 
 uncle had been a Justice of the Peace. True, 
 we had on one occasion been as far west as 
 DeWitt, Iowa ; yet we were neither a fine old 
 resident, an educated, a cultivated nor a 
 travelled person. It was a dreadful awaken 
 ing for us and we have not yet had the cour 
 age to break it to our wife. 
 
 Nor will we, for yet there is hope. We 
 have been invited to deliver the G. A. R. 
 Decoration Day oration in a neighboring 
 town next May. We have five months to 
 prepare. With hard and patient work that 
 will be enough. We will commence at once.
 
 A 000818255 2