An Experimental 
 
 Wo-o ing m. m^^
 
 An Experimental Wooing
 
 An Experimental 
 Wooing 
 
 BY 
 
 TOM HALL 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 
 "When Hearts are Trumps," "When Cupid Calls," 
 
 "The Little Lady, Some Other People 
 
 and Myself," etc. 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 E. R. HERRICK & COMPANY 
 70 FIFTH AVENUE
 
 
 COPYRIGHT 1898 
 
 BY 
 E. R. HERRICK & COMPANY
 
 TO 
 "THE LITTLE LADY 
 
 2136100
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER. PAGE. 
 
 I. MAN PROPOSES i 
 
 II. WOMAN DISPOSES 12 
 
 III. A REINCARNATIONIST .... 25 
 
 IV. THE HOUSE THAT ALEX BUILT ... 37 
 
 V. AN EXPERIMENTAL SERVANT GIRL . . 53 
 
 VI. AN EXPERIMENTAL MEAL .... 64 
 
 VII. I SAW WOOD 76 
 
 VIII. AN EXPERIMENTAL TRADES UNION . . 87 
 
 IX. ALEX SAWS WOOD 97 
 
 X. A MIDNIGHT ALARM 106 
 
 XL I MEET A RIVAL 117 
 
 XII. ALEXANDER'S PERAMBULATOR . . .125 
 
 XIII. MR. HAWKINS CALLS AGAIN . . .131 
 
 XIV. AN EXPERIMENTAL DUEL .... 138 
 
 XV. AN EXPERIMENTAL COACHMAN . . . 147 
 
 XVI. AN EXPERIMENTAL STORM . . .155 
 
 XVII. AN EXPERIMENTAL SHADOW . . . 163 
 
 XVIII. THE END OF THE EXPERIMENTS . . 172
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 MAN PROPOSES. 
 
 The situation was a very unconventional 
 one. When Romeo steals to Juliet's balcony 
 it is usually by the pale light of the moon, 
 whereas I now stood beneath Laura's win- 
 dow disclosed to view by the red signal lights 
 of coming morning. I had just tossed a 
 couple of roses, one red and one white, onto 
 the little balcony before her window. I had 
 been doing this every morning for a week or 
 so and had heretofore escaped detection. It 
 was merely the whim of a lover. It delighted 
 me to call later in the day and hear her specu- 
 late as to which one of the young gentlemen 
 in the neighborhood had been so audacious. 
 Of course she never suspected me, for she
 
 2 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 never once spoke of such a possibility. And 
 as to her aunt, Miss Alice Morris, with whom 
 she lived, that dear old soul could never guess 
 that I loved here niece. Oh, no ! 
 
 But it was fated that I was to be discovered 
 this morning. As the roses struck the closed 
 shutters of her window the blinds were sud- 
 denly thrown open and Miss Laura Morris, 
 in all the radiance of her beauty, stepped out. 
 
 " Ah, I have found you out," said she, with 
 the pretense of a frown. 
 
 " Yes," I answered sheepishly. 
 
 " And found you out rather early in the 
 morning, too." 
 
 " Yes," I assented. " It is the early bird 
 that catches the worm, you know." 
 
 " Oh ! " said she. " So you come around in 
 the early morning and throw roses at my win- 
 dow to catch worms, do you? " 
 
 " Of course not," I answered, grinding my 
 cane into the gravel path. I am of that un- 
 fortunate class of beings which either says the 
 right thing at the wrong time or the wrong 
 thing at the right time which says some- 
 thing when it should be silent and is as silent
 
 MAN PROPOSES. 3 
 
 as a clam when it is necessary for some one to 
 speak. 
 
 " There are people," she continued with 
 great gravity, " who would call you an eaves- 
 dropper." 
 
 " I plead guilty to being a rose dropper, 
 only," I answered. 
 
 " Why how very much better than you 
 usually do," said she. 
 
 " You encourage me," I retorted boldly, 
 and in a moment my blood was aflame as I 
 realized the double meaning of my words. 
 
 " Really, I I did not intend to," she 
 answered with a pretty blush. But recovering 
 herself with the dexterity of a clever woman, 
 she tried to turn the current of the dialogue. 
 
 " Tell me," she asked, " which you think 
 the prettier? " And she held out the two 
 roses. 
 
 But I was not to be balked so easily. 
 
 " They are neither," I replied, " as pretty 
 as you are, and and therefore I had not no- 
 ticed them." 
 
 She blushed again and turned her head 
 away for a moment, ostensibly to look at the
 
 4 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 purple Rockaway Hills in the distance. By 
 this I knew I was not losing my battle. After 
 all, I reasoned, she must at least suspect that 
 I love her. The whole village of Wheatfield 
 knew it. The local tobacconist had told me 
 so the previous evening on an occasion of 
 familiar too familiar conversation. He 
 also said that Wheatfield was unanimously 
 and enthusiastically in my favor. Why this 
 should be I do not pretend to know. I was 
 not rich, although the Lord, the lawyers, and 
 my relatives had left me a sufficient income 
 to maintain me in comfort: I was not good 
 looking. Some one once said that clocks 
 stopped at my approach. Even my little alarm 
 clock would stop ringing when I awoke and 
 looked at it. Had I not been well aware of 
 my lack of comeliness it would have been a 
 very alarming clock indeed, and I would have 
 been compelled to part with it. That I should 
 have disliked to do, for I thought a great deal 
 of my little ninety-eight-cent clock. It 
 seemed to wind me up in the morning just as 
 I wound it up at night which is what one 
 might call reciprocal perpetual motion only
 
 MAN PROPOSES. 5 
 
 the little clock will wear out some day and I 
 shall die unless I break all previous records. 
 
 " Silence " said I, to return to Laura (and 
 I would return to her though I were at the 
 other side of the world) 
 
 " Is just what does not give a cent when 
 the minister most needs it," she answered 
 turning to me quickly. 
 
 " Nevertheless," I answered, " I shall take 
 heart." 
 
 She looked at the blue hills again before 
 replying. 
 
 " Have you the heart to take heart? " she 
 asked softly, at the end of her little medita- 
 tion. 
 
 " That is for you to say," I answered ; and 
 in my turn I looked wistfully over at the blue 
 hills. 
 
 We were both silent now, but we were tell- 
 ing each other the old, old story that creeps 
 into every book worth the reading talking 
 to each other in heart talk, and what is more 
 delightful in this world than heart talk with 
 the woman you love. It is pleasant enough 
 at any time. I have often enjoyed it with
 
 6 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 Laura when the moon was thrice golden, or 
 when the stars in the sky seemed so near I felt 
 tempted to reach out into space and pluck a 
 bunch of them. But never was heart com- 
 munion so delicious as on this June morning. 
 I did not need to tell her I loved her in trite, 
 flat words. There was no necessity for the 
 time-worn formula, " Will you marry me? " 
 
 We simply turned after a time and looked 
 each other full in the eyes. Slowly I raised 
 my hand to grasp hers and as slowly she 
 leaned over the railing of her balcony to clasp 
 mine in her own. 
 
 Ineffectual effort: the distance was too 
 great. 
 
 In dismay, but desperately intent, I glanced 
 around. A ladder was leaning against a near- 
 by tree where the gardener had left it. A mo- 
 ment later that ladder was planted against 
 Laura's balcony and I was climbing it in fran- 
 tic haste, and in the next moment we two 
 were clasping each other in the first embrace 
 of mutual love. 
 
 Events occurred at this moment with such 
 rapidity that it is all I can do to write them
 
 MAN PROPOSES. 7 
 
 down with any show of accuracy. As I 
 pressed my lips to Laura's we were both 
 startled by a terrific report, and I felt a sharp, 
 tingling pain in my right leg. The report 
 was followed by the growl and rush of a great 
 bulldog. He made a jump for me, but I 
 scrambled over the railing of the balcony in 
 time to escape him. He might better have 
 reached me and pulled me to earth, for he 
 accomplished what was to me a greater mis- 
 fortune. He struck plump against the lad- 
 der and knocked it to the ground. At the 
 same time John, the gardener, rushed around 
 the corner with a smoking shotgun in his 
 hands, while from the other end of the house, 
 Tillie, one of the maids, made a sudden dash, 
 grabbed the ladder and ran away with it to the 
 barn where she hid herself and my only means 
 of escape for the remainder of the morning. 
 At this moment the red rim of the sun shot 
 over the Rockaway Hills as though it were a 
 calcium light worked by the unfeeling but 
 deft hands of a scene shifter. Windows were 
 thrown open all over the neighborhood and 
 heads popped out to see what the disturbance
 
 8 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 was. Early rising servants ran out of doors 
 to get a clearer view. Two of the village po- 
 licemen ran up pantingly from opposite direc- 
 tions and tumbled over each other trying to 
 get their bulky frames through the front gate 
 at the same time. Half a dozen newsboys fol- 
 lowed at their heels. Male neighbors now 
 came crowding into the garden from all di- 
 rections to " help hunt down the burglar," 
 as they supposed, or afterward said they did. 
 They were soon joined by their wives and 
 other members of their families, all more or 
 less in dishabille, who came to see their lords 
 and masters perform their heroic act. I 
 turned to the window to escape, but a light 
 hand was laid on my arm. 
 
 " No no," whispered Laura, " that that 
 is my room." 
 
 " Where's de burgellur? " gasped one of 
 the policemen, whom I happened to know. 
 
 " I am the supposed burglar, McCarthy," 
 I answered, with as much dignity as I could 
 command. 
 
 " And he is already captured," added 
 Laura, with so much bravery that I could
 
 MAN PROPOSES. 9 
 
 have kissed her before them all if she had been 
 willing. A number of the women exchanged 
 significant glances. The men looked at each 
 other and grinned. If wishes could kill I 
 would have slain the entire lot then and there. 
 
 But for a moment attention was diverted 
 from us. There was a ringing shout and a 
 girlish scream of delight, and a man and wom- 
 an on horseback galloped down the street, 
 leaped the hedge at the end of the garden, 
 rode deftly up the garden walk, and drew rein 
 abruptly in the center of the scattering crowd. 
 It was Alex Kelsey and his wife Laura's 
 brother-in-law and sister. Matters were rapid- 
 ly going from bad to worse. The two lived al- 
 most solely for the fun they could get out of 
 life, they were inveterate practical jokers, and 
 I knew what I had to expect and what poor 
 Laura did. 
 
 " By Jove, an elopement ! " shouted Alex. 
 
 " Delightful delightful," screamed his 
 wife ; " where is the rope ladder and the coach 
 and four? " 
 
 " Why didn't you let us know about it? 
 We'd have furnished the coach and four."
 
 10 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " And I would have woven the rope ladder 
 myself.*' 
 
 " What is the idea anyway? Is this a Mon- 
 tagu-Capulet affair, and if so, how did Ro- 
 meo come to be caught in such a fix? Didn't 
 the lark pierce the fearful hollow of his ear 
 or was it the bulldog and not the lark? " 
 
 By this time I was so angry I dared not 
 speak, and would have fled even through 
 Laura's room had it not been for the bravery 
 of that dear girl who stood blushing but 
 otherwise apparently serene with her arm 
 locked in mine. 
 
 " We'll turn it off as a joke," she whispered 
 to me, and I have no doubt she would have 
 succeeded had it not been for another event 
 which capped yes, night-capped, the climax. 
 
 Laura's aunt, who, from the firing of the 
 shotgun (as we afterward learned) had been 
 hiding in a closet, now poked her night- 
 capped head out of an adjoining window. 
 
 " Did you shoot the burglar, John? " she 
 asked in a frightened voice. 
 
 a No, ma'am," answered John with a grin. 
 " It it was Mr. Wilson."
 
 MAN PROPOSES. II 
 
 Slowly and in dumb amazement, Aunt 
 Alice turned her head in our direction. She 
 gasped, choked, turned partially purple, and 
 then pale. Finally she recovered herself and 
 spoke. 
 
 " I think it would have been better if you 
 had," she said. 
 
 " He did, Madam, he did," I answered, 
 bowing as politely as I could under the cir- 
 cumstances. 
 
 And then I fainted in Laura's arms.
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 WOMAN DISPOSES. 
 
 How fortunate misfortunes are ! John, the 
 gardener, had fired not wisely but too well, 
 and a couple of buckshot had lacerated my 
 leg to a far greater extent than I could have 
 imagined from the pain. I had fainted from 
 loss of blood after I had forgotten about the 
 pain. But the wound turned the scale of sym- 
 pathy and interest in my favor, and relieved 
 Laura from a position as disagreeable as could 
 be imagined. No one stopped to ask ques- 
 tions or hint at suspicious circumstances. On 
 the contrary every one exhibited a sympathy 
 in my misfortune which is one of the redeem- 
 ing virtues of human nature. Doctors were 
 sent for. Tender hands carried me to 
 the guest chamber in the Morris household 
 (through the very room which Laura had for- 
 bidden me to enter), and as I was unconscious
 
 WOMAN DISPOSES. 13 
 
 a dozen imaginative persons invented excuses 
 for the strange situation in which I was dis- 
 covered. Eventually it was unanimously 
 agreed that, in conjunction with John, I was 
 on watch for the thief who had been threaten- 
 ing the Morris home, and had been shot by 
 John in his over-anxiety to aid me just as I 
 was about to engage the villain in hand-to- 
 hand combat. John, in dire distress at having 
 wounded and so nearly killed me, readily as- 
 sented to this version of the morning's mis- 
 haps, and all was well. 
 
 To Aunt Alice alone the true story was told, 
 and she forgave me on the spot. Alex Kel- 
 sey and his wife did not need to be told. 
 They guessed the whole affair, and were de- 
 lighted, as they usually were with everything. 
 I was not permitted to leave the room to 
 which I had been taken until my wound was 
 thoroughly healed, and for a month I was the 
 happiest of men, with my true love for a 
 nurse, and her aunt for house surgeon. It 
 was a merry hospital as well as a happy one, 
 for Alex and his wife spent a good part of 
 each day in it.
 
 14 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 The subject of an engagement between 
 Laura and myself was not broached on either 
 side until I was well along in my convales- 
 cence. It then became a matter of family 
 council to which I was invited one bright June 
 morning. There were present besides myself, 
 Laura, her aunt, Alex and his wife, and a de- 
 lightful gentleman of middle age who was 
 introduced to me as Mr. Dickson. The re- 
 lation he had to the family I did not under- 
 stand, and I promptly questioned Alex on 
 the subject. 
 
 " Oh, yes, Mr. Dickson," he answered with 
 a laugh. " Why, he's our uncle that should 
 have been." 
 
 " What? " I gasped. 
 
 " That's it, precisely," said Alex. " I'll ex- 
 plain it as soon as I get a good chance. If 
 you were not a mere visitor in Wheatfield 
 you would understand. But there are several 
 things you have to learn, old fellow. Just 
 take it easy and you will know all in time. 
 There's nothing like patience. I've never 
 practiced it myself, but that's what I hear." 
 
 By this time we were seated in an irregular
 
 WOMAN DISPOSES. 15 
 
 circle around the room which had been cho- 
 sen for the meeting (it was the library), with 
 Aunt Alice presiding at the flat-topped desk 
 and Mr. Dickson at her left elbow. He had 
 been regarding me for some time with great 
 interest, apparently. Suddenly he turned to 
 Miss Morris, the elder, and whispered loudly 
 enough to be heard by all in the room : 
 
 " My suspicions are confirmed. He has 
 many of the qualifications of Lovelace." 
 
 Alex and his wife began to titter. Aunt 
 Alice frowned, and replied : 
 
 " William Dickson, we have not assembled 
 here to listen to your ridiculous theories con- 
 cerning reincarnation." 
 
 " But how advantageous it would be," pro- 
 tested Mr. Dickson, " if we could determine 
 what soul occupies the body of our manly, if 
 not exactly handsome, young friend here. 
 How much better we could arrange the future, 
 both for him and his ladylove. And how con- 
 venient to be able to determine his character 
 by merely referring to the pages of history 
 to be able to foretell his actions under certain 
 circumstances before the events occurred,"
 
 16 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " Nonsense," answered Aunt Alice, sharp- 
 ly. " The meeting will come to order and 
 listen to a little sense." 
 
 " Which means, I suppose," interjected 
 Alex, " that I must do all the talking." 
 
 " Which means, you good-for-nothing fel- 
 low," answered Aunt Alice, " that you and 
 your equally foolish wife will keep silent and 
 that all will listen to me." With that she ad- 
 justed her eyeglasses, arranged some papers 
 which lay before her on the desk, and began. 
 
 " It has been brought to my notice," said 
 she, " that this young man, Mr. Wilson, 
 wishes to marry my niece, Laura Morris. As 
 the head of our family, I have taken the mat- 
 ter under careful consideration. To the 
 young man's credit I will say that I can find 
 nothing in his character that is to his discredit, 
 and I learn that he has a small income, suffi- 
 cient at least to support her. That is neither 
 here nor there, however, as she is more than 
 plentifully supplied with this world's goods in 
 her own right. Under these circumstances I 
 would, were I a younger woman and less ex- 
 perienced, promptly give my approval to the
 
 WOMAN DISPOSES. 17 
 
 engagement. But I have made one mistake 
 in this direction in the past, and do not pro- 
 pose to make another." 
 
 Here she looked frowningly at Alex and 
 his wife, while Mr. Dickson, stroking his 
 mustache, said musingly : 
 
 " Queen Elizabeth or Catherine of Russia 
 I am positive of it." 
 
 " William Dickson," said Aunt Alice, turn- 
 ing upon him almost furiously, " at the end 
 of twenty years are you not yet aware that 
 this idiocy of yours has cost you a wife? " 
 
 " And you a husband, Alice," Mr. Dickson 
 answered gently, " who at least is loyal to his 
 principles and beliefs." 
 
 There was an awkward pause, and Aunt 
 Alice colored visibly. 
 
 Although I had met Laura six months be- 
 fore at a reception in New York, I had been 
 but a month in Wheatfield, and was still a 
 stranger, almost, to Laura's family. As may 
 be readily imagined, I listened to the preced- 
 ing conversation and to that which followed 
 with growing wonder a wonder which must 
 have been depicted on my face as Alex Kel-
 
 1 8 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 sey and his wife watched me with growing 
 amusement, and Laura blushed with embar- 
 rassment. 
 
 " I have made one mistake," repeated 
 Aunt Alice, continuing. " I permitted my 
 niece, Jane Morris, here present, a girl of 
 frivolous mind, to marry a man, Alexander 
 Kelsey, of equally frivolous disposition. I 
 thought the match a good one, as they 
 seemed to love each other, and perhaps still 
 do. Both of them were wealthy, and the 
 world lay before them, with all its opportu- 
 nities for usefulness. What have they done 
 since their marriage? Absolutely nothing but 
 enjoy themselves and waste their time in a 
 continuous round of unseemly hilarity. I 
 consider them utter failures. I believe they 
 have given liberally to the church and chari- 
 ties, but what is that more than the mere 
 signing of an occasional check. What manly 
 traits of forbearance and courage under suf- 
 fering have they shown? What generosity of 
 spirit toward the unfortunate? But yesterday 
 they followed their hounds right through the
 
 WOMAN DISPOSES. 19 
 
 grounds of poor Mr. Smythe, who but last 
 week buried his fifth wife " 
 
 " And is next week to marry his sixth," 
 interjected Alex. 
 
 " We only smashed a couple of green- 
 houses and tore up his rose beds, so that at 
 least he wouldn't have any roses for the wed- 
 ding," added Alex's wife, Jane, with a pout 
 that was promptly followed by a snicker of 
 laughter. 
 
 " And you have declined to pay him dam- 
 ages," retorted Aunt Alice, resentfully. 
 
 " Of course," replied Alex. " We are go- 
 ing to make him sue us, just to get a chance 
 to make the old villain squirm on the wit- 
 ness-stand. Besides the town needs excite- 
 ment. It's getting awfully sleepy." 
 
 " Huh," said Aunt Alice, with a look of 
 disgust. " The mistake that I made is ap- 
 parent. I do not intend to make such another, 
 you may be sure. I have therefore decided 
 upon a plan which will enable me to judge 
 with some degree of accuracy as to the pro- 
 priety of this proposed marriage between my 
 younger niece and Mr. Wilson."
 
 20 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " Give us something new, Auntie," sighed 
 Alex, dolefully. 
 
 " It will be absolutely original," replied 
 Miss Morris. 
 
 " How perfectly delightful ! " Jane ex- 
 claimed, her eyes dancing with anticipation. 
 " Do tell us what the plan is." 
 
 " I should call it ' An Experimental Mar- 
 riage,' " Aunt Alice resumed, " were that title 
 not misleading to the minds of persons unfa- 
 miliar with the real nature of the scheme. As 
 it is, I call it ' An Experimental Wooing.' ' 
 
 " But," I interrupted, " I I have already 
 wooed and won." 
 
 " Did you enjoy the wooing? " asked Aunt 
 Alice. 
 
 " It was perfect bliss," I answered. 
 
 " Then why not prolong it? " she asked. 
 " Besides, you have not yet won my consent. 
 I suppose you will not object to the plans I 
 make for the welfare of your future wife? " 
 
 " N no," I stammered, " of course not." 
 
 " Of course he won't," laughed Alex. 
 " Why, the idea is simply glorious. Aunt 
 Alice, you are a blessing in disguise. I be-
 
 WOMAN DISPOSES. 21 
 
 hold an unending vista of fun. It will save 
 me from setting fire to the village as I had 
 planned." 
 
 " You will oblige me, Alex," said Aunt 
 Alice, with dignity, " by not bothering me 
 with another interruption until I have con- 
 cluded." 
 
 " It is never an interruption in his case," 
 interjected Mr. Dickson. " It is an eruption 
 distinctly an eruption." 
 
 " My plan," continued Aunt Alice, " is to 
 build on the other side of the drive a pretty 
 but modest cottage. It is to be furnished neat- 
 ly but inexpensively, and in it these two 
 young people are to practice housekeeping 
 from breakfast in the morning until supper 
 in the evening, when they are to return to 
 their respective homes. They are to live and 
 pay all expenses on an allowance at the rate 
 of $1,000 a year. If, at the end of the sum- 
 mer, they are not tired of each other, I shall 
 put them to the test of a separation, and if 
 they bear that properly, I will consent to the 
 marriage. Laura is to attend to the work 
 of the household, assisted by one servant only.
 
 22 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 And Mr. Wilson, on his part, is to engage in 
 some useful occupation, such money as he 
 earns at it to be given to the poor of the 
 parish." She now drew forth her watch. " I 
 give you one minute in which to make up your 
 minds as to whether you will accept my offer 
 or not." 
 
 " Accept," shouted Alex. 
 
 " Accept," echoed his wife, Jane. 
 
 " Accept," said Mr. Dickson, gravely. 
 
 " Let us accept," whispered Laura, putting 
 her hand gently on my arm. 
 
 And we did. 
 
 " I am very much pleased," said Aunt 
 Alice, " and may you both stand the test as 
 well as I hope you will, for it will be a harder 
 one than either of you imagine. I shall con- 
 tinue to direct the experiment and make con- 
 ditions from time to time. May you both 
 be as happy in your experiment as married 
 people ought always to be in actual wedded 
 life, and so seldom seem to be." And I think 
 there were tears in her eyes as she spoke. She 
 rose, and was about to leave the room with
 
 WOMAN DISPOSES. 23 
 
 some show of emotion, when Alex stopped 
 her. 
 
 " Aunt Alice," said Alex, in a voice that 
 was wonderfully serious, " you have always 
 called me a ' good-for-nothing/ and no doubt 
 I have deserved the epithet. But I would 
 like to have the opportunity to show you that 
 I can do something, and that I will if you will 
 give me the chance. Let me build the house 
 the experimental house." 
 
 " Do you really mean it? " asked Aunt 
 Alice. 
 
 " I do," answered Alex. " I will take en- 
 tire charge. You know I have sufficient in- 
 telligence, and I will guarantee the will power 
 and the application. I will take entire charge 
 and, moreover, foot the bills. The matter shall 
 not cost you, or the turtledoves, either, a 
 single thought. Let me do it." 
 
 " You shall, Alex," answered Aunt Alice, 
 clasping his hand. And then she left the room 
 hurriedly with actual tears in her eyes. 
 
 Dear lady, she thought she had accom- 
 plished Alex's reformation that morning also. 
 As for myself, I would have preferred to erect
 
 24 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 the house in which I was to live, at least half 
 of each day, myself. But my destiny was ap- 
 parently to be put into other hands than my 
 own, and I made no remonstrance. 
 
 " Ned," said Alex, grasping my hand, 
 " you shall have a house that you'll be proud 
 of." 
 
 I said nothing in reply, for Mr. Dickson 
 was muttering to himself, and I wanted to 
 hear what the singular old gentleman was 
 saying. 
 
 " Queen Elizabeth," was what he was say- 
 ing, " Elizabeth beyond a doubt though 
 her nature has apparently been softened by 
 some intermediate life experience."
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 A REINCARNATIONIST. 
 
 I was now able to return to my boarding- 
 house, but it seemed a dreary enough place 
 after my enforced visit in the beautiful home 
 of the Morrises. It gave me, however, the 
 exquisite torture of short absences from the 
 presence of the woman I loved, a torture that 
 no one can realize save those who have loved 
 to the verge of mental infirmity. When away 
 from her I could think of nothing else. When 
 with her there were brief moments when I 
 could bring myself down to earth and answer 
 a civil question if it were easy. I think, 
 though, that if lost in a great city I could have 
 given my name and residence at a pinch. 
 
 This was doubted by Alex Kelsey and his 
 wife, and, as an experiment in the matter, 
 Alex stopped me suddenly one day as I was
 
 26 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 going from my boarding-house to my usual 
 destination, and asked me my name. 
 
 " Laura Morris," I answered promptly ; 
 whereupon Alex claimed to have proved his 
 point. I did not admit it. I argued that the 
 name was mine in a certain sense. At any 
 rate, the woman who bore it was mine. We 
 nearly had trouble over the matter, as Alex, 
 without my permission, printed the facts in 
 the local paper, and called upon the editor 
 to decide the matter. The editor frankly 
 acknowledged that he was unable to render a 
 decision, and turned the question over to the 
 sewing circle of our most prominent church, 
 where it is still a matter of debate. One side 
 holds that I had no right to the name what- 
 ever, that my claim was absurd and so forth. 
 The other side holds that, as she took my 
 name at marriage, I certainly was entitled to 
 the equivalent right to take her name before 
 marriage. Laura holds that it was a shame 
 for Alex to make our private affairs public in 
 the way he did. As for myself, I hold Laura 
 and am perfectly satisfied with the situation. 
 
 Alex and his wife were now known all over
 
 A REINCARNATIONIST. 27 
 
 town as the " Utter Failures." People even 
 came from surrounding towns to see the 
 couple who were such utter failures in matri- 
 mony that they were hilariously happy. And 
 they were a sight worth seeing, too. Alex 
 was handsome, and his wife was beautiful 
 almost as beautiful as Laura. They were 
 blessed with perfect health and abundant ani- 
 mal spirits, delighted in each other's company, 
 and were soldom seen separately. They lived 
 on a handsome estate about a mile from the 
 Morris home, but in full view of it ; and it was 
 a beautiful sight to see them gallop over every 
 morning to superintend the building of the 
 house in which our domestic experiment was 
 to be made. We were by this time known as 
 " The Experiments," and Alex insisted on 
 calling the house the " Experimental House." 
 I did not like the sound of this, nor did I like 
 the mystery surrounding its erection. 
 
 At the very outset he had made Laura and 
 myself promise not to go near it until it was 
 completed. Moreover, he had bought some 
 immense paulins, which he had stretched on 
 framework built around the four sides of the
 
 28 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 structure, completely hiding it from view. 
 In addition to this, he kept two watchmen 
 guarding the building night and day. He 
 then subsidized McCarthy, the policeman on 
 our beat, to watch the watchmen. He 
 watched McCarthy. 
 
 Laura and myself were permitted to super- 
 intend the arrangement of the lawn, flower 
 beds, and walks exterior to the house only. 
 This we did with what I think was an exhibi- 
 tion of considerable taste. Nor did we forget 
 to prepare for a certain amount of comfort. 
 We erected an arbor, where Laura could sit 
 and sew or read without being the prey of 
 inquisitive eyes, and parallel to its longer side 
 laid out a path of clean gravel, where I could 
 walk and smoke and yet be never far away 
 from her. As no limit of expense had been set 
 as to the building we were to occupy, or the 
 grounds adjoining, we did about as we pleased 
 in the matter, and our flower beds and conser- 
 vatory soon rivaled those of Miss Morris her- 
 self. 
 
 When this work was completed, we had 
 little to do but sit on the piazza, of the Morris
 
 A REINCARNATIONIST. 2Q 
 
 home and wait for Alex and his wife to com- 
 plete the " Experimental House," concerning 
 which we knew absolutely nothing. All the 
 materials for the building were brought to 
 the site at night time, as was the furniture, 
 which completed it for a home ; for Alex went 
 further than his contract demanded, and fur- 
 nished the house as well as built it at his own 
 expense. 
 
 As the house neared completion, Alex and 
 his wife found more and more time to sit on 
 the piazza with us and listen to our specula- 
 tions concerning their doings. These they 
 seemed to enjoy keenly. Aunt Alice, de- 
 lighted with the useful energy displayed by 
 Alex, remained for the greater part of each 
 day in her own room sewing for charitable 
 purposes. And Mr. Dickson was an almost 
 daily visitor. 
 
 I was sitting alone on the piazza one after- 
 noon, smoking my pipe and watching Laura 
 through the blue wreaths of smoke as she 
 bent over her flower beds, when Mr. Dickson 
 called. 
 
 " I am glad to find you alone," he said,
 
 30 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 "for I have long wanted to have a talk with 
 you." 
 
 " I am delighted to be at your service," I 
 replied, and indeed I was, for he was the pleas- 
 antest of old gentlemen, and I, besides, was 
 in a condition of chronic delight with every- 
 thing and everybody. 
 
 " Good," said he. " I want to ask you a 
 few questions which I hope you will not con- 
 sider impertinent. Have I your permission? " 
 
 " You have," I answered. 
 
 " Good again," he continued. " And, on 
 my part, I will say that I am simply making 
 an investigation in the interests of science on 
 a subject which has been a lifelong study." 
 
 I perceived what was coming. 
 
 " In the first place," he asked, " have you 
 any idea, thought, or belief of a previous ex- 
 istence of your own soul? " 
 
 " No," I answered, " my memory dates 
 back to childhood only." 
 
 " But, it is not a matter of memory," he 
 went on. " It is rather a matter of sub-con- 
 scious belief."
 
 A REINCARNATIONIST. 31 
 
 " I have never given the matter a thought," 
 I replied. 
 
 " I wish you would," said he, " and give 
 it serious thought. You strike me as being a 
 particularly apt subject for experiment." 
 
 " Yes," I interrupted, with a sigh, " I seem 
 to strike almost every one as a subject for 
 experiment." 
 
 " Now, tell me," he continued, without 
 heeding my remark, " if you have any remem- 
 brance of being at some time in the past in 
 prison? " 
 
 " Sir ! " I almost shouted. 
 
 " For debt, or some daredevil piece of ras- 
 cality," he added, calmly. 
 
 I could have wrung his neck, but I re- 
 strained myself, as I had no wish to be ex- 
 perimented on by an executioner, and 
 answered as calmly as possible, but very 
 shortly and sharply: 
 
 " No, sir." 
 
 " Have you any recollection of writing 
 verses to your ladylove? " he said, making a 
 few notes in a small book. 
 
 Now, how in the world could he have
 
 32 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 guessed that I was in the habit of writing, or 
 trying to write, poetry to Laura almost every 
 night of my life? I hemmed, hawed, blushed, 
 and hesitated. 
 
 " Ah, I knew it, I knew it," he cried, exult- 
 ingly. " Now, think intently, please. Do you 
 not have an indistinct recollection of having 
 written such verses in prison? " 
 
 " No, sir," I answered, decidedly ; " in a 
 boarding-house only in a boarding-house. 
 In a very poor boarding-house at that, and 
 I can assure you that I wrote very poor poet- 
 ry. In fact, I am certain that in a better 
 boarding-house I could write better poetry; 
 and possibly if I lived in a palace I could write 
 something worth while." 
 
 " Typical ideas of a poet," he muttered 
 with delight. " All poets think the same. 
 You are a splendid subject splendid. Now, 
 have you no remembrance of fighting for your 
 honor in preference to dallying by the side of 
 your sweetheart? " 
 
 This was getting pretty personal, and it 
 made me mad. 
 
 " No, I have not," I answered, angrily ;
 
 A REINCARNATIONIST. 33 
 
 " but I have a strong impression that I am 
 going to fight pretty soon for the preservation 
 of my own dignity." And I got up angrily 
 and stamped up and down the piazza like a 
 war horse scenting battle from afar. 
 
 " Precisely as I thought," he chuckled, 
 " precisely as I thought. Good morning, Sir 
 Richard; I will not disturb you further to- 
 day. You have shown all the characteristics." 
 
 And as he descended the steps and made 
 his way to the gate I heard him counting up 
 my attributes on his fingers : 
 
 " Impetuosity in love," I heard him say ; 
 " chivalrous devotion to his fair one, eager- 
 ness to engage in honorable combat, a desire 
 to write poetry, and a wish to do so even in 
 a boarding-house, which may often be con- 
 sidered equivalent to a prison in many ways. 
 
 Stone walls do not a boarding-house make, 
 Nor iron bars a bachelor apartment." 
 
 Alex, coming toward me, passed him on the 
 gravel walk. To Alex I spoke with feeling. 
 
 " Is that man crazy, or merely insane? " I 
 asked. 
 
 " Neither," answered Alex, with a burst of
 
 34 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 characteristic laughter. " Neither, Sir Rich- 
 ard, or Mr. Lovelace, whichever you prefer. 
 By the way, how is Althea this morning? " 
 
 " I am beginning to understand," I said, 
 coldly, " why you say he is your uncle who 
 should have been." 
 
 " There are others," answered Alex. 
 " He'll be your uncle who should have been 
 before long, I hope." 
 
 " I have no doubt of it," I answered. " I 
 thoroughly expect to graduate from this ex- 
 periment in a mad-house if matters keep on 
 as they seem to be going. But I don't like 
 slang." 
 
 " Have you never parsed the verb ' sling, 
 slang, slung? ' " asked Alex, gravely. 
 
 " I have not," I answered. 
 
 " Well, begin, old man. Slang is the meta- 
 phor, the poetry of the lower classes, and has a 
 beauty of its own." 
 
 " Which I do not appreciate," said I. 
 
 " But you should appreciate Mr. Dickson," 
 he continued, " for he is by all odds the most 
 delightful character to be found in a day's 
 journey. This reincarnation idea of his is a
 
 A REINCARNATIONIST. 35 
 
 pure hobby. Moreover, he clings to it, in 
 my belief, out of sheer obstinacy. In his 
 youth, my dear fellow, he was the beau of half 
 the State, just as Aunt Alice was the belle. 
 He came from college with this absurd idea of 
 reincarnation in his head. Before it was fully 
 developed they were engaged, but when Aunt 
 Alice discovered that he one day considered 
 her one person long dead, and the next day 
 another, she became more or less angry, so 
 to speak. She ran a long gamut of the il- 
 lustrious dead before she acted in the matter. 
 She has at various times been Mary Queen 
 of Scots, Elizabeth, Penelope, Marie Antoi- 
 nette, Catherine of Russia, Joan of Arc, and 
 heaven knows what others. The limit was 
 reached when he hinted that she might be 
 Peg Woffington, on account of her wit and 
 beauty, and she declared that either Mr. 
 Dickson must give up his hobby or herself. 
 He declared that he would stand by his beliefs 
 as a matter of principle, and that she would 
 despise him if he did not. In consequence, 
 the engagement was broken. But they loved 
 each other sincerely and love each other now.
 
 36 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 Neither has ever married, as you know. It 
 is my dearest wish and that of my wife that 
 they should be brought together again, the 
 strands of their broken engagement mended, 
 and they married and put here together in 
 this house to enjoy the sunset of life, at least, 
 after having missed the glory of its morning 
 and noon. For some reason or other both 
 Jane and myself have a sort of belief that 
 through your agency we will be able to ac- 
 complish this result. Will you help us? " 
 
 For answer I silently clasped his hand and 
 gave it a hearty shake. I knew that for once 
 Alex Kelsey was not joking.
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 THE HOUSE THAT ALEX BUILT. 
 
 The " Experimental House " was now 
 completed, and we were informed that it 
 would be ready for occupancy in a very short 
 time. In the meantime its fame had gone 
 abroad through the nation and the papers 
 everywhere contained accounts of it and the 
 proposed experiment. Alex, of course, was 
 responsible for this. He did not propose to 
 hide his light under a bushel, or to let us se- 
 crete our modest tallow dips in that manner. 
 He even went so far as to advertise, in a 
 prominent weekly paper that claimed to enter 
 every home in the land, and some that were 
 far away, that he would erect " Experimen- 
 tal Houses " at reasonable rates and on short 
 notice. As a result, every stranger who came 
 to Wheatfield made it a point to visit our
 
 38 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 neighborhood, and stand on the sidewalk and 
 stare at Alex's paulins, much as a small boy 
 does at the exterior surface of a circus tent. 
 Commercial travelers arriving at the local ho- 
 tel were even known to inquire for the " Ex- 
 perimental House " before they did for the 
 bar. 
 
 In the meantime I had become a marked 
 man. If I went downtown (which I did as 
 seldom as possible) people rushed to the win- 
 dows to get a look at me. As I went through 
 the business district I could hear remarks as I 
 passed, such as : 
 " There he goes." 
 " That's him." 
 
 " Looks like a fool, doesn't he? " 
 " What makes him walk so wobbly? " 
 At length, when the small boys of the vil- 
 lage began to follow me around, I gave up go- 
 ing to town altogether. Then for the first time 
 I learned my real importance. I had actually 
 become a village institution of some magni- 
 tude. So many strangers now came to town 
 to see me and spent money, that business was 
 actually improving to a marked degree.
 
 THE HOUSE THAT ALEX BUILT. 39 
 
 Moreover, I was giving the town a splendid 
 advertisement, and several " experimental 
 factories " were to be located in it by outside 
 parties who, had it not been for me, would 
 probably never have heard of the town. In 
 addition to this two " experimental burglars " 
 had made Wheatfield a visit, and had been 
 caught by an " experimental detective," who 
 had obtained a position on the local police 
 force thereby. Of all this I was informed by 
 the Mayor, the Chief of Police, and a commit- 
 tee of citizens, who called upon me to request 
 that I walk through the town each day, assur- 
 ing me that I would be protected from an- 
 noyance by a small platoon of police. I de- 
 clined. They went further, and offered a brass 
 band to march in front of the platoon of po- 
 lice. I declined again. They offered the lo- 
 cal fire department to march behind the 
 procession. I declined once more. They 
 ottered a money consideration. I declined 
 indignantly. They thereupon played what 
 they thought was their trump card. They 
 ottered all of the foregoing, and in addition 
 the handsomest Victoria in town, to be drawn
 
 40 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 by four cream-white horses, carriage and 
 horses to be elaborately decorated with bride 
 roses, and Laura to ride in the same. Then 
 I swore for the first time since I was vacci- 
 nated, and the deputation left in sincere dis- 
 appointment. 
 
 In the meantime, a corset, a brand of 
 pickles, a boat, a book, and a play had been 
 named " Experimental," and I was requested 
 to write letters commending each of them. 
 And from the far West I received a letter 
 from an " experimental murderer," who 
 wanted me to ask the governor of his State to 
 pardon him. 
 
 To the solitary reporter of the local daily I 
 was a godsend. He interviewed me daily, and 
 made a good " column and a turn " out of 
 the few remarks he could extract from me 
 each day. I grew tired of this, and bade him 
 never call again on pain of being pitched into 
 the street. He did not call again, but he went 
 on with his daily " column and a turn " con- 
 cerning me. He merely changed the tenor of 
 his remarks. He became sarcastic, and lied 
 about me with a facility that was remarkable
 
 THE HOUSE THAT ALEX BUILT. 41 
 
 in one so young. He even went so far as to 
 post daily bulletins concerning my health, my 
 temperature, pulse, etc. 
 
 In all these troubles I was supported by the 
 sympathy of Laura and her aunt, as a matter 
 of course. But it was all a matter of great 
 joy to Alex and his wife. They were delighted 
 and assured me that I had added to the gayety 
 of nations. 
 
 Laura and I were sitting as usual on the 
 well shaded piazza, of her aunt's home one 
 Tune morning when we heard the distant 
 strains of a brass band. I had noticed the fact 
 that Alex and his wife had not been around 
 as early as usual that morning, and I had 
 observed that there was a suspicious silence 
 around the still screened " Experimental 
 House." In a moment an idea flashed upon 
 my mind that made my heart sink within me. 
 The " Experimental House " was finished, 
 and it was now to be " unveiled," as it were. 
 Sure enough, as the strains of the band be- 
 came louder a procession turned into our street 
 with Alex and his wife riding in triumph at its 
 head. Behind them followed well, I can
 
 42 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 safely make a sweeping assertion, and say the 
 whole town. They were all there, some two 
 thousand or more of them. The Mayor and 
 Council in carriages, the police department, 
 the fire department, the G. A. R., and various 
 secret societies, the school children carrying 
 small American flags, and after them the pop- 
 ulace and visitors from the outside world. 
 
 We tried to escape by hiding in the house, 
 but when the head of the procession reached 
 its destination and Alex and his wife dis- 
 mounted and came to escort us to our " ex- 
 perimental abode " we could not withstand 
 their appeals. 
 
 " Look at the procession I have turned out 
 in your honor," exclaimed Alex. 
 
 " Come and see the house we have fitted 
 out for you with so much trouble," added 
 Jane. 
 
 ' You are ungrateful," said Alex. 
 
 ' You are neither of you worthy of the 
 other," said his wife, vehemently. 
 
 I have failed to fathom the exact meaning 
 of that statement of hers up to the present 
 time, but it seemed then so strong an argu-
 
 THE HOUSE THAT ALEX BUILT. 43 
 
 ment that we yielded and followed them arm 
 in arm to the front gate of our new home. A 
 stand had been erected in front of it which 
 was already crowded with prominent persons. 
 Room had been saved, however, for Alex, his 
 wife, Laura, and myself, and we were soon 
 seated in a prominent place in front under 
 the quizzing glances of our' fellow-townsmen 
 and townswomen. 
 
 The Mayor made a speech. 
 
 Alex made a speech. 
 
 I made a fool of myself at Alex's request 
 and tried to make a speech. 
 
 A minister invoked a blessing. 
 
 Then, at a signal, Alex's workmen, each 
 clad in a white duck uniform with a red car- 
 nation in his buttonhole, sprang to their 
 places, a blacksmith's anvil placed under the 
 platform was discharged with such a deaf- 
 ening report that even the Chief of Police 
 fainted, the paulins fell down, and the " Ex- 
 perimental House " stood revealed. 
 
 It was Alex's intention to reveal it com- 
 pletely inside and out, and I afterward had 
 reason to thank him for doing so, though at
 
 44 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 the time I could have sunk through the earth 
 to our antipodes, from sheer mortification. 
 As for Laura well, a woman always goes 
 through a trial better than a man so far as out- 
 ward appearances are concerned, but I knew 
 how she suffered inwardly. 
 
 Alex, glowing with delight, now rose and 
 made another short speech. 
 
 " Ladies and Gentlemen," said he, " you see 
 before you the now justly celebrated ' Experi- 
 mental House.' I know, and our family un- 
 derstands perfectly, the interest you take in 
 it and the curiosity you have concerning it. 
 It is our purpose to gratify this curiosity of 
 yours, now, once for all. The house is open 
 from top to bottom, from front to rear, and in 
 each room is stationed one of my workmen 
 to see that no souvenirs are unlawfully taken. 
 A souvenir will be provided, however. As 
 you leave the house each and all of you will 
 be handed a photograph of the " experimen- 
 tal couple," I may say, who are to occupy this 
 dwelling. I took the photograph myself, sur- 
 reptitiously I must acknowledge. It shows 
 them in their favorite attitude sitting on the
 
 THE HOUSE THAT ALEX BUILT. 4$ 
 
 front piazza of my dear aunt's dwelling with 
 their arms around each other's waists. You 
 will have two hours in which to inspect the 
 house, and as there are at least two thousand 
 people to be accommodated, I desire that you 
 will form single file and pass into, through, 
 and out of the house as quietly and quickly 
 as possible. I will myself escort the Mayor 
 and Council of our fine city of Wheatfield." 
 
 Thereupon he turned to the gentlemen 
 mentioned and bowed. They rose with dig- 
 nity, bowed, and started with him toward the 
 house. The procession formed in single line 
 and followed. Jane, Laura, and myself re- 
 mained seated on the platform, Laura and 
 myself too crushed to offer any opposition to 
 Jane's request that we remain there. 
 
 Time will pass if you don't look at the clock 
 too often, and at the end of what seemed a 
 geologic age the last of the procession left the 
 house and disappeared down the street bear- 
 ing in his hand that odious photograph of 
 Laura and myself. The workmen were dis- 
 missed, and Alex returned to us with Aunt
 
 46 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 Alice leaning on his arm. She had observed 
 the strange proceedings from her window. 
 
 " Let us first take a look around the out- 
 side of your new home," said Alex, gayly; 
 and for the first time we took more than a 
 passing glance at the house. It looked queer. 
 
 " Rather an unusual looking house, isn't 
 it now? " asked Alex. 
 
 I agreed with a nod of my head. 
 
 " You see it is kind of hind part before 
 and inverted, as it were." 
 
 I nodded again. 
 
 " But it was built this way to make it sym- 
 metrical with the rest of your experiment, 
 which, I may say, is also kind of inverted and 
 hind part before. In other words, you are 
 going to practice married life, to a certain 
 properly limited extent before you are mar- 
 ried." 
 
 "Oh, Alex," sighed Aunt Alice, "what 
 have you done? And I thought you meant 
 so well." 
 
 " So I do mean well," answered Alex, " and 
 so do you in your, to say the least, bizarre ex- 
 periment with these young turtledoves. As
 
 THE HOUSE THAT ALEX BUILT. 47 
 
 for the house, it is merely an experiment. 
 How do you know but that it may prove to 
 be a great success? Why should dwellings 
 be erected always on the same plan? Im- 
 provement is the order of the day. If Neces- 
 sity is the mother of Invention, Experiment is 
 its nurse. In this house I have made an ex- 
 periment, my dear aunt, which may lead to 
 some discovery that may be of great use to 
 the world." 
 
 Aunt Alice was no match for Alex in this 
 kind of argument, and she did not reply. I 
 must say that Alex's statement of his side of 
 the case made me feel rather better about the 
 matter, though. Whenever there is reason for 
 a thing I do not object to it, and Alex ap- 
 peared to have considerable reason on his 
 side. 
 
 As for the house itself, it did look a trifle 
 bizarre. It was pretty enough, in a way. This 
 I discovered later by standing on my head 
 and taking a look at it. Inverted it would 
 have been a very pretty cottage in one of the 
 many variations of the Queen Anne style. 
 But the decorations, especially those consist-
 
 48 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 ing of odd angles and queer windows were 
 on the first floor, while the more massive por- 
 tions, including a piazza, were on the top, or 
 third, story. 
 
 The part corresponding to the attic 
 seemed to be a mere square wall painted in 
 imitation of stone masonry. The rear of the 
 house faced the street, while the front looked 
 out upon the rear lawn and kitchen garden 
 which Laura had added to her flower beds. 
 The front steps were peculiar also. Instead 
 of ascending them you descended them to en- 
 ter the house, and upon doing so found your- 
 self not in the cellar but in the attic. This 
 startling discovery was made by each of us 
 as we entered. 
 
 " After such a crowd has passed through 
 our * Experimental House,' said Alex, with a 
 smile, " you will not be surprised to find 
 things somewhat upside down." 
 
 The house was in perfect order, but things 
 were upside down with a vengeance. The 
 attic was complete even to cobwebs, which 
 Alex had transported from various old barns 
 at the expense of much patience. It was fur-
 
 THE HOUSE THAT ALEX BUILT. 49 
 
 nished in precisely the same manner as the 
 ordinary attic in an old New England farm- 
 house. There were old trunks and old furni- 
 ture in the styles of our ancestors. Rusty 
 stoves, mildewed books, discolored papers, 
 and worm-eaten boxes were piled up indis- 
 criminately. In a word, the furniture of the 
 attic was complete, even to a string of corn 
 and one of red peppers hanging from the 
 rafters, a bushel or so of butternuts scattered 
 about the floor, and a low crib in which Miles 
 Standish himself might have been rocked. 
 And over all, Alex had blown dust with a 
 small bellows constructed for the purpose. 
 
 Poor Laura looked so heartbroken that I 
 was almost on the point of declaring that I 
 would go no further with the experiment, but 
 that we would get married forthwith (which 
 we could have done, as Laura was of age), and 
 live far away from this family of madcaps, 
 if not mad people. But to my amazement, 
 Aunt Alice burst out in such exclamations of 
 delight that the little quiver of pain left 
 Laura's lips and gave place to a sunny smile. 
 
 " Oh, Alex," exclaimed Aunt Alice, " this
 
 50 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 is simply delightful. If the rest of your ' Ex- 
 perimental House ' is on a par with this it is 
 an assured success. How I love an attic! 
 And what a place to spend rainy days ! The 
 only objection to the old-fashioned attic I ever 
 had was that you had to climb so many flights 
 of stairs, and often narrow and shaky ones at 
 that, to get to it. Now here is an attic where 
 you can do downstairs, instead of up, when 
 it rains, or you feel blue, and have a perfectly 
 lovely time. And see the old letters with their 
 faded ink. I can hardly resist reading them 
 now. It is so delightful to pry into the secrets 
 of people who are dead and who, therefore, 
 probably do not object, and it is not dishonor- 
 able, like reading the letters of people who are 
 alive. There is but one thing missing to your 
 attic, Alex." 
 
 " What is that? " asked Alex, in a tone of 
 the keenest apprehension. 
 
 " Why, down here, one can not hear the 
 rain on the roof, or hear the wind moaning 
 around the eaves of the house in that ghostly, 
 melancholy way that gives one such a delight- 
 ful ? creepy feeling. And, while there are
 
 THE HOUSE THAT ALEX BUILT. 51 
 
 feather beds down here to crawl under, I 
 doubt if the lightning could be seen at all." 
 
 " It can all be arranged," said Alex, en- 
 thusiastically. " I would have had it arranged 
 before but I did not think of it. We will have 
 a phonograph loaded with ' rain on the roof ' 
 and another one loaded with ' moaning of the 
 wind.' As for the lightning, I can manage 
 that easily enough with a flashlight, and we 
 can use stage thunder." 
 
 " Splendid ! " exclaimed Aunt Alice. 
 
 " Then," continued Alex, " you will be in- 
 dependent of real storms. In fact, you can 
 come down here any day you have the blues, 
 and have the j oiliest kind of a time. I can 
 even rig up a ghost if you want one." 
 
 " Alex," said Aunt Alice, " you are a dear, 
 good boy. I shall most certainly accept your 
 kind invitation. Dear me, it makes me feel 
 like a girl again just to think of it. Now, show 
 us the rest of the house." 
 
 The rest of the house was what might be 
 imagined. The first floor consisted of closets, 
 a servant's room and two spare rooms. On 
 the second floor were the living rooms, while
 
 52 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 on the top floor were the parlor, dining-room, 
 pantry, and kitchen. All of these rooms were 
 furnished in the best of taste, and this did 
 much to console Laura. Her greatest disap- 
 pointment was an elevator which Alex had 
 built to cap the climax of his joke. Laura 
 was dismayed at the thought of climbing so 
 many stairs, and when she saw the elevator 
 was delighted. It was a trick elevator, how- 
 ever, and would only carry people down- 
 stairs, rising slowly afterward by means of a 
 counterweight so equally adjusted that the 
 elevator would carry nothing up. When Laura 
 discovered this she burst into tears, and for 
 the first time I learned that women were made 
 to cry easily so that men could have the pleas- 
 ure of consoling them; and as I clasped her 
 in my arms, I whispered in her ear that I could 
 easily arrange the elevator so that it would 
 carry upstairs as well as down. And then, as 
 she kissed me, the clouds ceased raining, and 
 the sun shone again from her eyes.
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SERVANT GIRL. 
 
 I now began to feel the delight of being the 
 lord of a home; and my lady Laura felt an 
 equal happiness. We spent several days of 
 unalloyed joy in buying provisions for our 
 housekeeping experiment and in rearranging 
 the furniture in our home. Where is the 
 woman who will live in a room, to say nothing 
 of a house, in which the furniture is arranged 
 by other hands than her own? What a de- 
 light it is to any of them to take a chair from 
 one side of the room and place it on the other, 
 and notice the wonderful improvement. We 
 discussed for hours the proper position of a 
 sofa, and spent a day or so making out a list 
 of groceries to be purchased. When the list 
 was completed, I went forth with pride and 
 joy in my heart to buy them. I never knew 
 before that there was actual enjoyment in or-
 
 54 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 dering a supply of coal or wood. I had here- 
 tofore been unaware of the uses of butcher 
 shops and grocery stores, and thought of 
 them as merely disfiguring the streets hide- 
 ously. I now found out what they were for. 
 It was the same with the bakery, the tinner's, 
 the plumber's, and the locksmith's. I even 
 felt a distinct pride in getting up early one 
 morning to arrange with the milkman for a 
 supply of cream and milk. I ordered from 
 him, it seems, far more than a small family 
 could use, and he good-naturedly declined to 
 let me have so much. 
 
 " I've served lots of young married people," 
 he said to me, with a knowing wink, " and 
 they always make that mistake." 
 
 All the world loves a lover, it seems, and 
 when I ordered the local daily to be left at 
 our house, even the reporter began to treat 
 me rather more kindly in his daily column 
 concerning us. 
 
 We were now brought face to face with the 
 problem of the age. Where could we find a 
 servant girl? There were few in the town, 
 and few of these cared to work just then. One
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SERVANT GIRL. 55 
 
 of them was making a party dress for herself, 
 and did not intend to go to work again until 
 she had finished it. Another had a sick 
 mother, and thought it would be better all 
 around for them to go to the county-house 
 than for her to go to work. Another had 
 promised a friend that she would make her a 
 visit before she took another place. And 
 still another declared that she would not work 
 for such fools as we were if we paid her a 
 million dollars a week. We were n9t prepared 
 to offer her much more than a million a week, 
 at least not enough more to make it an object, 
 so we replied that we would not have her if she 
 paid us two million a week for the privilege 
 of working for us, and went our way with 
 dignity. The remainder were of the descrip- 
 tion we did not want under any circum- 
 stances. After this we took a carriage and 
 scoured the country for miles around without 
 success. Most of the country girls " didn't 
 have to go out to work," and the rheumatic 
 and poverty-stricken head of one family of 
 eleven daughters and a weak-minded son
 
 56 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 threatened in his indignation to turn his dog 
 'on us. 
 
 We advertised in the papers and appealed 
 to our friends, but without avail. Even Alex 
 could only suggest the construction of an au- 
 tomatic servant girl, and that would take con- 
 siderable time. Jane, his better-half, like the 
 trump she always was, offered to be our 
 servant girl herself, declaring she was the 
 equal of any domestic in the country, 
 could cook, sweep, dust, wash and iron 
 clothes, chop kindling wood, and do fine 
 sewing. In fact, the only drawback she 
 would acknowledge was the fact that she 
 did not have a " character " from her last 
 employer. It was a generous offer, but 
 Laura said it would never do to accept it; 
 and that if she could not find a servant girl 
 she would do the work herself. Laura, like 
 her sister, was a trump, and quite capable of 
 keeping her word, but to this proposition I 
 would not listen. So we were compelled to 
 postpone the actual commencement of our 
 housekeeping temporarily. 
 
 As luck would have it the postponement
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SERVANT GIRL. 57 
 
 was a short one, and we were soon provided 
 with a servant girl, who, we thought, would 
 do excellently. We were sitting on the front 
 (in reality, back) piazza, of our house one af- 
 ternoon discussing the situation, when a very 
 pretty girl came up the street. She was 
 plainly but stylishly dressed, with a finely de- 
 veloped figure, which spoke of abundant 
 health and strength (so fine a thing to see in 
 a woman); and walked with a light, springy 
 stride that spoke eloquently of the ballroom, 
 the golf links, and the tennis court. To our 
 amazement she stopped opposite our house, 
 looked at the number which we had of course 
 been obliged to put on the back door, com- 
 pared it with some writing on a paper, and 
 then entered our front gate. 
 
 Our piazza., it will be remembered, was on 
 the third floor, and we were looking down 
 upon her though hidden from her bright 
 searching eyes, which were roaming over the 
 exterior of the house. 
 
 " Well, it looks queer," we heard her say 
 to herself, " but I like it, and first impressions 
 are good ones. Now, I wonder where the
 
 58 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 back door is. I suppose I musn't go to the 
 front door." 
 
 " A book agent," I whispered to Laura, 
 " or a canvasser for something." 
 
 " Well," she answered, " she is the first one 
 who has paid us a visit, and I am going to 
 treat her nicely if only for good luck.'" 
 
 Whereat my dear lady ran to the elevator 
 and descended to the attic. In a few moments 
 she was back with her young lady visitor, 
 whom she introduced to me as Miss Cicely 
 Brown, reading the name from a most cor- 
 rectly engraved card. 
 
 It took but a glance to tell that Miss Brown 
 was a thoroughbred from the patent leather 
 tips of her shoes to the plume in her hat, and 
 the bona-fide pink in her cheeks. 
 
 " I have brought her right up here," said 
 Laura, in explanation, " because I thought 
 you would like to share the pleasure of re- 
 ceiving our first caller." And this was said 
 as much in explanation to the young lady as 
 to myself. 
 
 " I am hardly a caller," said Miss Brown, 
 with a bright smile, that showed two rows of
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SERVANT GIRL. 59 
 
 perfect teeth. " I called to see if you wanted 
 a servant girl." 
 
 " Indeed we do," exclaimed Laura. 
 
 " If you can tell us where we can find one," 
 said I, " we will be under the sincerest obliga- 
 tions to you." 
 
 " If you please," she said, with perfect com- 
 posure, " I came to apply for the position my- 
 self." 
 
 There is an expression which was once 
 much in vogue : " You could have knocked 
 me down with a feather." That exactly ex- 
 presses my sensations on hearing this state- 
 ment. As for Laura, she exclaimed : 
 
 " I I beg your pardon ; I don't think I 
 understood you correctly." 
 
 " Yes," continued Miss Brown, " I wish to 
 apply for the position, if it is not already 
 filled." 
 
 " You surely do not mean to say you are 
 a domestic, do you? " asked Laura. 
 
 " I never have been one," Miss Brown 
 answered, " but I hope to be if you will take 
 me. I confess that I have not had any expe- 
 rience, but I am strong and willing, as they
 
 60 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 say, and will work for very reasonable wages 
 until I have become more useful." 
 
 We were silent with amazement. Miss 
 Brown understood the situation. 
 
 " I suppose I ought to explain myself," she 
 continued. "I have just graduated from Vas- 
 sar College, and find myself face to face with 
 the world with my own living to make. This 
 happens from no unexpected reverse of for- 
 tune. I am not ' in reduced circumstances,' 
 as they say. In fact, I have anticipated this 
 very condition of affairs throughout my en- 
 tire course at Vassar and am prepared to meet 
 it. To be brief, I was left an orphan some five 
 years ago, and with an exceedingly small in- 
 heritance. For a long -time I considered what 
 would be the best investment I could make 
 with my little patrimony, and concluded that 
 it would be best put into an education at col- 
 lege, for which I was already prepared. I 
 found that I had just enough to take me 
 through Vassar comfortably and in proper 
 style for such a school. I went there, grad- 
 uated a few weeks ago with more honors than 
 I care to mention at the present time, but
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SERVANT GIRL. 6 1 
 
 with only forty odd dollars in my pocketbook, 
 and none in my bank. There were, of course, 
 many things I could do with such an educa- 
 tion as I have received, but I have for a long 
 time been a student of the labor problem, and 
 especially of the ' servant girl ' question, as 
 it is called. In fact, I have written a mono- 
 graph on the subject, which has been pub- 
 lished over a nom de plume. I believe thor- 
 oughly in the dignity of labor, and especially 
 in the dignity of domestic labor. It seemed 
 only right that I should practice the prin- 
 ciples that I preach, and besides, I wanted 
 to experiment in the matter somewhat also. 
 A few days ago I read in the paper about your 
 experiment in housekeeping, and I at once 
 concluded that my best opportunity would be 
 with you. My knowledge of such work is 
 theoretical only, but if you can be patient with 
 me I am sure I can learn I will try very hard 
 I am young and strong and please re- 
 member " she paused for just a moment 
 
 as though to repress the least bit of a sob, and 
 two little tears started from the corners of her 
 eyes ; " please remember that I am a lonely
 
 62 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 girl that I want to be with people that I 
 like and " 
 
 In a twinkling, Laura had sprung from her 
 chair and kissed her. 
 
 " You dear girl," said Laura, " you shall be 
 our domestic and our friend, too." 
 
 " I am so glad," said Miss Brown, rising 
 from her chair with renewed composure. " I 
 am going to kiss you now in turn, just once, 
 as a friend, and then I am going to be your 
 servant girl only, and be treated as such until 
 the experiment is completed." 
 
 Saying which she walked slowly to Laura 
 and kissed her. 
 
 " Now," she continued, " I will, with your 
 permission, go down to the depot and get my 
 trunk. May I?" 
 
 " Why, of course," said Laura, laughing to 
 find herself giving her first orders to her own 
 servant. " Just wait here until I have one 
 of my aunt's carriages sent around to the door 
 and you can drive down and back." 
 
 " No," said Miss Brown, " I would rather 
 not. It would not be at all like being a ser- 
 vant girl. I will walk down to the depot and
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SERVANT GIRL. 63 
 
 ride back on the express wagon which brings 
 my trunk, just as any other servant girl would 
 do." 
 
 And so she did, to the amazement of all 
 Wheatfield, who wondered who the stunning 
 girl was who had come to visit the " Experi- 
 ments," and why they were so mean as not 
 to provide her with a carriage.
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL MEAL. 
 
 When Cicely, as she immediately insisted 
 that we call her, came back she was shown 
 at once to her room, which was as prettily 
 furnished as any one could have desired. In 
 fact, Laura herself had ideas about servants, 
 and believed in treating them more than lib- 
 erally. Cicely thought it altogether too dainti- 
 ly furnished for a servant, and would have 
 taken some of the old furniture from the attic 
 had Laura not laughingly forbidden her. On 
 the other hand, Cicely thought it quite proper 
 to decorate her room in her own way as much 
 as she pleased (to which, of course, there was 
 not the slightest objection), and, as she had 
 brought many paintings, photographs, and 
 some bric-a-brac with her, our new servant's 
 room was soon as cozy a little nest as could 
 be imagined. It took her a wonderfully short
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL MEAL. 65 
 
 time to effect this, and she soon appeared 
 before us as we sat again on our back piazza, 
 in a neat gingham dress and snow-white 
 apron to receive orders. 
 
 " The first thing we must do," said Laura, 
 " is to arrange about your wages. In our ad- 
 vertisements we offered six dollars a week. 
 Will that be sufficient? " And there was a 
 tone of anxiety in Laura's voice which made 
 it evident that she was afraid that she was not 
 offering enough. 
 
 " Oh, that is altogether too much," 
 answered Cicely, decidedly. " I am not worth 
 a cent more than two dollars a week, if I am 
 that." 
 
 " You must let us be the judges as to that," 
 said Laura. 
 
 " As to everything except that," persisted 
 Cicely, " I would not like to feel that I was 
 receiving money I did not earn. You know 
 I am pretty well informed on the subject of 
 wages, even though I don't know much about 
 the actual work of a domestic. In fact, I de- 
 voted a whole chapter in my monograph to 
 that subject."
 
 66 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " Let me offer my good services as medi- 
 ator," I ventured. " Why not compromise? " 
 
 They both assented at once, and Cicely's 
 wages were fixed at four dollars a week. 
 
 " Of course," Laura now began, " you 
 know you are not to sleep in the house." 
 
 " Not to sleep here? " asked Cicely, aghast. 
 
 " Oh, no," Laura continued. " I would be 
 afraid to have you. You would be here all 
 alone, you know and burglars might break 
 in or anything might happen. You know 
 we all go to our homes at night. We are 
 not really and truly married people, you 
 know." And Laura blushed very prettily. 
 
 But Cicely looked so disappointed that 
 Laura withdrew her mandate almost imme- 
 diately. 
 
 " Of course, if you really want to stay here 
 at night and are not afraid " said she. 
 
 " I'm not a bit afraid," Cicely answered, 
 " and I'd so much rather stay here." 
 
 " I'll leave my revolver here with her," I 
 offered. 
 
 " Oh, I'd be more afraid of the revolver 
 than I would of burglars," laughed Cicely.
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL MEAL. 6^ 
 
 " All I want is a good stout club and if any 
 burglars or tramps come around here they'll 
 wish they hadn't." 
 
 So it was arranged that Cicely should re- 
 main in the house at night, armed with a club, 
 which she soon procured from the attic. 
 
 " Now," said she, " please give me some 
 work to do." 
 
 " Well," said Laura, " there is no time like 
 the present. Let us begin our housekeeping 
 with supper to-night." 
 
 "Hurrah!" I shouted. 
 
 " What shall we have? " asked Laura. 
 
 I was prepared for the question. I have a 
 favorite meal. 
 
 " Chicken," I answered, " baked potatoes, 
 baking powder biscuit, and coffee." 
 
 A moment later Laura was ordering chick- 
 ens by telephone, and Cicely was starting the 
 first fire in our kitchen range. 
 
 The fire commenced our difficulties of the 
 day. It would not burn, and in despair the 
 two women came to me. I could do but little 
 better than they at starting it, and eventually 
 had recourse to the kerosene oil can. The fire
 
 68 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 burned then, and with such a vengeance for 
 a time that the blaze streamed out of the 
 chimney, and Aunt Alice rushed over from 
 her own house to tell us that we were on 
 fire. When she learned that we had really 
 begun the experiment, and that there was no 
 fire she was so delighted that she went im- 
 mediately to the telephone and bade the " Ut- 
 ter Failures " come over and watch proceed- 
 ings with her. They came. 
 
 All this was precisely what we did not want. 
 We expected to be under the scrutiny of the 
 " Failures " and Aunt Alice almost continual- 
 ly during our " experimental wooing," as she 
 called it; but we had hoped to get started 
 without their assistance. We expected a few 
 failures at first. We had to learn as all 
 other people have to. And we did not care 
 to be criticised until we had gone through a 
 few dress rehearsals. But " the best laid eggs 
 of any hen gang aft agley," as Alex was in the 
 habit of misquoting, and we were doomed to 
 disappointment. While Laura and Cicely 
 were still poring over several cook-books, try- 
 ing to determine how much " a little sugar "
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL MEAL. 69 
 
 was, and what was " just enough butter," and 
 also trying to solve that mystery of mysteries, 
 " season to suit the taste," I did my best to 
 hold the enemy in check. But I made more 
 or less of a failure of it. They invaded the din- 
 ing-room, and made themselves comfortable 
 there. Laura came to my rescue and endeav- 
 ored to lure them into the sitting-room, with- 
 out success, leaving Cicely, author of a mono- 
 graph on " Domestic Service " and our first 
 meal to their mutual fate. 
 
 It was a fete occasion. The author of the 
 monograph made a few " fatal errors," as the 
 baseball critics say, and our experimental meal 
 was one which I shall never forget. 
 
 To enumerate, the coffee was not what it 
 could have been. It was not what it should 
 have been. It was even worse than it might 
 have been. Indeed, no one has yet solved the 
 mystery of its manufacture. But Laura and 
 myself, eating together under the eyes of our 
 critics, did not for a moment admit that there 
 was anything wrong with the coffee. When 
 the aroma was noticed by Alex and com- 
 mented upon I even went so far as to say that
 
 70 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 it was made after a Russian recipe which I 
 had furnished, and was simply delicious. 
 
 Some slight mistake had been made by the 
 author of the monograph in the manufacture 
 of the biscuit also. I believe that she had 
 mistaken salt for baking powder, and, like 
 many men, they had not risen in the world 
 to the height they were capable of attaining. 
 They were also somewhat salty. But they 
 went very well with the coffee. That was the 
 beauty of that coffee, I think anything would 
 have gone well with it. Unfortunately, Alex 
 impolitely took one of the biscuit as the plate 
 passed within his reach, and tasted it. He 
 declared that the biscuits must have been 
 made from some Hungarian recipe of mine, as 
 only very hungry people could eat them. 
 
 The potatoes were baked to a crisp, but 
 we disguised that fact by not eating any, and 
 by keeping the burnt sides down. 
 
 There was no disguising the chickens, how- 
 ever. As they entered at one door of the din- 
 ing-room all five of us left at the other. I held 
 an inquest on them the next day in the 
 back yard and discovered that while they had
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL MEAL. Jl 
 
 been carefully plucked by the butcher, they 
 had not been cleaned to the extent that is 
 usual among civilized nations. How the au- 
 thor of the monograph ever managed to cook 
 them under the circumstances was a mystery 
 until she acknowledged that she had used 
 three ounces of perfume while bravely stick- 
 ing to her post. She was so mortified, 
 though, at her failure to understand what was 
 the matter, and at our sudden departure from 
 the dining-room, that she burst into tears 
 and ran sobbing downstairs. 
 
 " Let the poor soul cry for a while," said 
 Alex, after we had explained what kind of 
 a servant girl we had acquired. " It will do 
 her good. In the meantime, I'll order a few 
 things by telephone and prepare an humble 
 supper for you, a la Alex Kelsey. 
 
 Be it fault or virtue, Alex was a gourmet, 
 and we all knew what one of his " humble sup- 
 pers " was. But there was no inclination to 
 oppose him. Laura and I were determined to 
 eat that particular supper in the " Experi- 
 mental House," and it did not matter much
 
 72 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 to us whether it was cooked by Alex or the 
 author of the monograph. 
 
 How easy it is to do things when you know 
 how ! The eatables ordered by Alex appeared 
 as if by magic, including a bottle of sherry, 
 which was brought by Mr. Dickson, who was 
 invited to the repast as a quasi member of the 
 family. Alex was for proceeding at once with 
 his task, but Aunt Alice insisted that Cicely 
 must be consoled first and given an opportu- 
 nity to learn something of the art of cooking 
 from her " utter failure " of a nephew-in-law. 
 
 A visit to Cicely's room disclosed the fact 
 that she was not there. In alarm we made 
 a rapid search of the house, and even the 
 neighborhood, without success. We returned 
 in dismay to report our failure to our aunt. 
 
 " What fools you young people are," said 
 she, with the charming candor of an old lady 
 who has observed much of the world. 
 " Where should a sensible girl go to cry ex- 
 cept under those delightful feather beds down 
 in the attic? " 
 
 Sure enough, down in the attic under the 
 feather beds we found Cicely in the last sobs
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL MEAL. 73 
 
 of a good cry. And, after a little more weep- 
 ing, in which Jane and Laura joined out of a 
 politeness or sympathy which is peculiar to 
 women, the calm came and was succeeded in 
 turn by a general hilarity. 
 
 The hilarity was largely occasioned, of 
 course, by Alex and his wife, who kept it on 
 tap, and were generous in dispensing it. Alex, 
 with Cicely's apron around him, cooked and 
 told stories at the same time with perfect ease. 
 Whenever he stopped for a moment, Jane 
 rushed to the piano and sang a rollicking song 
 to her own accompaniment and her voice 
 would have done credit to any stage. Laura, 
 with her arm around the waist of the author of 
 the monograph, watched with the latter the 
 expert cooking of her brother-in-law, while 
 Aunt Alice, Mr. Dickson, and I sat in the din- 
 ing-room and observed the various proceed- 
 ings. 
 
 It was a humble meal indeed to which we 
 all sat down in so short a time that it seemed 
 fairly wonderful. I sat at the head of the table, 
 of course, with Cicely, blushing with embar- 
 rassment, but looking very pretty in her ging-
 
 74 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 ham dress, on my right, by direct command of 
 Aunt Alice. Alex served the meal, and sat 
 when he got the chance on Laura's right, still 
 attired in Cicely's apron, and with a cap on his 
 head, which he had deftly made out of a paper 
 bag. 
 
 The humble meal to which he invited us 
 consisted of oysters prepared with pure 
 cream, a small lump of butter, celery chopped 
 fine, and sherry wine, the whole being poured 
 over toast. In addition, we had celery salad 
 a la Waldorf, which is made, as I learn from 
 Laura and the author of the monograph, with 
 chopped apples and mayonnaise dressing, as 
 well as the main ingredient, celery. We also 
 had thin sandwiches of pate de foie gras, and 
 chocolate with whipped cream. 
 
 Like all other good things in life, this meal 
 of Alex's was most appreciated when there 
 was nothing left of it. Even the author of 
 the monograph forgot that she had troubles of 
 her own, and was induced to join us in the 
 parlor, where we spent the evening with a 
 merry round of songs, stories, and recitations 
 the latter being contributed by Cicely with
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL MEAL. 75 
 
 great success. And during the earlier part of 
 the entertainment, Jane bared her plump arms 
 and washed the dishes before any one noticed 
 what she was doing. As " Utter Failures," 
 Alex and his wife were not in my opinion a 
 success, but I did not dare to tell Aunt Alice 
 so. 
 
 It was quite midnight when our little party 
 broke up, and we went to our various homes, 
 leaving the author of the monograph to take 
 charge of the " Experimental House." 
 
 I parted from Laura at the gate, as Mr. 
 Dickson left Aunt Alice at the door of the 
 Morris home, and as I turned down the street, 
 I heard him say, distinctly : 
 
 " I tell you, Alice, that I am convinced that 
 Alex is either Lucullus or Vatel. Witness the 
 meal he prepared with such celerity."
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 I SAW WOOD. 
 
 We were now fairly settled in our " Experi- 
 mental House," and the experiment itself was 
 in progress. I had no idea I could be so happy 
 under such strange circumstances. But, as a 
 matter of fact, it was almost like real house- 
 keeping. For several days I did nothing but 
 roam around the house from one room to an- 
 other, watching Laura and Cicely at their 
 work, smoking my pipe and doing occasional 
 errands. 
 
 For the first time in my life I developed 
 a streak of extravagance. If I went down- 
 town to buy a broom I came back 
 loaded down with other household uten- 
 sils, which it struck my fancy would be 
 useful to us. I also bought various pat- 
 ent articles advertised in the magazines, 
 and which were guaranteed to make house-
 
 I SAW WOOD. 77 
 
 keeping so easy that a woman could be happy 
 though married. I bought liberally of travel- 
 ing hucksters, and felt a keen regret, when 
 the ragman came around with his tempting 
 pots and pans, that we had not as yet accumu- 
 lated any rags. Much amused at this, Laura 
 gave me an old dress of hers with which to 
 trade. I got a wash-basin and two tin cups for 
 it, which I handed to the author of the mon- 
 ograph with great importance. Then I scur- 
 ried out of the house after the ragman. I 
 found him two blocks away, and bought the 
 dress back for a crisp $5 bill. Then I hurried 
 with the dress to my boarding-house and put 
 it away tenderly in my trunk. And from that 
 day until we were married I used to worship 
 at the shrine of that dress every evening when 
 I went home. 
 
 There was but one thing to mar our com- 
 plete enjoyment of our aunt's whim. That 
 was the proprietary interest which she and the 
 " Utter Failures " took in it. They were om- 
 nipresent. Laura and Cicely soon had mat- 
 ters running as smoothly as one could wish, 
 but Aunt Alice was forever commenting on
 
 78 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 their work and criticising it. She had a dif- 
 ferent way of doing everything. The strange 
 feature of the matter was that she seldom 
 if ever paid any attention to the manage- 
 ment of her own house, leaving everything to 
 Laura and her servants. She would even take 
 a broom and resweep the floors after Cicely 
 had finished doing so, much to the latter's 
 mortification, for the author of the mono- 
 graph could sweep, having had to learn that in 
 what we now called " ordinary life." 
 
 As for the " Utter Failures," we could usu- 
 ally find one sitting on the kitchen table and 
 the other roaming about the house. We could 
 be alone in peace and quiet nowhere. In fact, 
 between the three of them I had little or no 
 time to pay any of the ordinary devotions to 
 Laura. 
 
 On one of the few occasions when I found 
 such time I was rudely interrupted by Aunt 
 Alice. 
 
 " Ned," she asked, " how much of your al- 
 lowance have you spent so far? " 
 
 I had to confess that I did not know.
 
 I SAW WOOD. 79 
 
 " And when are you going to get to 
 work? " she continued. 
 
 I could not make answer in this case, either. 
 I had forgotten all about it. 
 
 " You remember that you were to attend 
 to both of these stipulations in the contract? " 
 
 I knew of no contract, but I was well aware 
 of the agreement, and again I could say noth- 
 ing. 
 
 Laura and I spent the remainder of the 
 day over a table on which were many sheets of 
 paper, and on the sheets of paper were many 
 figures. 
 
 I went to sleep that night, as many another 
 lord of a household has before me and will 
 again, with the weight of his house resting 
 on his breast. We had already exceeded our 
 allowance by nearly two hundred dollars, and 
 the strictest economy was necessary to carry 
 us through. 
 
 Moreover, I must find work immediately. 
 And where should I find it? I was told by 
 Aunt Alice that times were hard, that no one 
 was hiring unnecessary assistance in his busi-
 
 80 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 ness, and that I knew not one useful thing 
 to do. 
 
 How many of the suffering host called 
 " men " have gone to bed with that weight on 
 their breast ! 
 
 But morning always brings relief. Econ- 
 omy can always be practiced. It is the one 
 thing that even the poorest need never be 
 without. No matter how meager one's in- 
 come he can always practice economy the 
 source of wealth. 
 
 And as to work that must be found 
 whether it could be or not. 
 
 The next day I went forth in search of it. I 
 commenced with the higher grades of busi- 
 ness, as a matter of course. I found, however, 
 that no bank presidents were needed at that 
 time ; that merchants did not at that particular 
 moment require a manager for their affairs; 
 that even the most able lawyers did not re- 
 quire a senior partner, who had never been 
 admitted to the bar; and that the most able 
 physician in town could attend to his practice 
 with the aid of a couple of young doctors. 
 
 This was as surprising as it was unsatisfac-
 
 I SAW WOOD. 8 1 
 
 tory. I talked the matter over with Laura, 
 and she was indignant. 
 
 " The idea ! " said she. " As though you 
 could not do any of those things as well as 
 any man, and a good deal better." 
 
 Is there anything in the world more beauti- 
 fully loyal than the belief of a woman in the 
 man she loves? The whole world may turn 
 against him, but as long as a man is loved by 
 one woman he can be as happy as it was ever 
 intended man should be in the universal 
 scheme. How different it was with the others ! 
 Aunt Alice, the " Failures," and even Mr. 
 Dickson all agreed that I had aimed a trifle 
 too high. 
 
 The next day I aimed lower. I simply had 
 to. I went in for lower positions. I even 
 offered myself as a clerk in one or two stores. 
 It was useless. No one wanted me. I had 
 advertised the town and brought trade to it, 
 but no one would give me work when I 
 needed it. Suppose I had been starving, or 
 that a wife and family dependent on me were 
 without food and shelter. The thought made 
 me more serious than I had been in many a
 
 82 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 day. There were such cases. I had read of 
 them in the papers in a desultory way, scarce 
 believing them. I made a resolution then 
 and there that if I were ever in business I 
 would never refuse any one work. 
 
 I went down through the various grades 
 with equal success, or rather lack of it. 
 Finally, I approached the coal and wood 
 man to whom I had just paid a steep bill 
 for coal for our own house. I suppose he 
 thought me crazy. He told me I was not 
 strong enough to do any of the work he 
 had to do. But after I had pleaded with 
 him a while he made me an offer actual- 
 ly made me an offer. He even went so 
 far as to give me a choice of work. He 
 told me that I could go to work at once driv- 
 ing a coal wagon, or that he could give me a 
 chance to earn at least some money by sawing 
 wood. He had to depend on a few loafers 
 around town to saw wood for him, and as a 
 rule, they were drunk when he most wanted 
 them. He did not believe I would get drunk, 
 and would therefore give me the contract to 
 do all of his wood sawing. I thankfully ac-
 
 I SAW WOOD. 83 
 
 cepted the offer, and agreed never to disap- 
 point him. The matter of remuneration was 
 easily settled, and I agreed to his first offer, 
 which seemed to please him. It really did not 
 matter to me, as whatever I earned was to go 
 to charity, and if the amount was not suffi- 
 cient to satisfy Aunt Alice, I could easily 
 make it up out of my own pocket. There was 
 nothing in my agreement with her to pro- 
 hibit that. 
 
 " Well," said the coal and wood man, " take 
 off your coat and go to work. You'll find 
 the best bucksaw in town hanging on that 
 nail over there. When you find blisters on 
 your hands, just go right on as though noth- 
 ing had happened. After a while your hands 
 will get used to it, and you won't need to 
 wear kid gloves any more." 
 
 " I think," I answered, with some hesita- 
 tion, " that I'll take my work home with me." 
 
 " What? " he roared. " Take your work 
 home with you? What do you think you're 
 doing plain sewing or washing and ironing? 
 You're a bigger fool than I thought you 
 were."
 
 84 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " Not at all," I answered, getting rather 
 angry. " I prefer to do the work at home, 
 and if I pay for having the wood drawn to 
 my house and back again surely you can have 
 no objection." 
 
 The coal and wood man uttered a pro- 
 longed whistle. 
 
 " Well, you are a queer one," he said. " But 
 it doesn't make any difference to me where 
 you do the work so long as you do it. And 
 if you want to pay for having it drawn back 
 and forth, why that's just so much more busi- 
 ness for my teams. But I don't see how 
 you're going to make a living going at it that 
 way." 
 
 I did not try to enlighten him, but closed 
 the bargain at once, and that afternoon his 
 teams began hauling wood to our yard. 
 
 " You see," I said to Laura, when I ex- 
 plained matters to her, " by this arrangement 
 I can be near you all day long. And then 
 sawing wood is nice clean work, and will be 
 splendid exercise." 
 
 The dear girl saw the point at once, and 
 approved my decision heartily. She even tore
 
 I SAW WOOD. 85 
 
 up two of her flower beds to make room for 
 me to work in near the house. 
 
 When informed of the state of affairs the 
 author of the monograph remarked that " it 
 would give me an awful appetite," and looked 
 despairingly at the cook-book. 
 
 " Feed me on bacon," I said, encouraging- 
 ly. " They say its splendid for workingmen, 
 and besides I can use the rind on the saw." 
 
 Aunt Alice looked at it from a different 
 point of view. She declared that " I wasn't 
 strong enough for such work, and that it was 
 a shame for Laura to permit me to do it." At 
 this Laura looked so blank that I hastened 
 to assure her that I was quite strong enough 
 for the work. In fact, that it would be only 
 mild exercise for me, such as I was accus- 
 tomed to at college and before. 
 
 Mr. Dickson surmised that " there must be 
 some mistake. He had never read of Love- 
 lace's sawing wood. But it was possible he 
 had done it." 
 
 Alex merely looked at me with amusement 
 when I told him, with an air of quizzical con- 
 descension, as it were.
 
 86 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 But Jane slapped me on the back and whis- 
 pered in my ear : 
 
 " Good for you and stick to it, if it breaks 
 your back." 
 
 I had not thought of my back before in the 
 matter. Her remark worried me just a trifle 
 on that account. But otherwise the speech 
 was full of encouragement and worthy of the 
 sister of my Laura. 
 
 The next morning I went to work.
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL TRADES UNION. 
 
 I do not like to receive visitors when I am 
 engaged in my professional duties. It will be 
 seen that I regard wood sawing as a profes- 
 sion. It is. It is too hard for work. But the 
 public and my friends did not consider my 
 wishes in the matter. 
 
 Alex and his wife came over and took seats 
 on the grass to watch me at my work. The 
 former brought his pipe and the latter some 
 fancy work. They were prepared to stay all 
 day. I felt like asking them if they had 
 brought their lunch with them, but I soon 
 found that I had no breath to waste on words. 
 
 Aunt Alice came over, had a chair brought, 
 produced her knitting, and told me how men 
 used to saw wood when she was young. 
 
 Mr. Dickson strolled up soon after, and the 
 author of the monograph watched from the
 
 88 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 window whenever she could get an excuse to 
 look out. It was a nice little wood sawing 
 party. I wish I could have made it a progres- 
 sive wood sawing party. Perhaps Alex and 
 Mr. Dickson would not have grinned so much 
 then. They would have had to take their 
 'turn. 
 
 But there were others. The neighbors 
 strolled over to see the sport, and leaned on 
 the front fence, while their children took 
 turns in parties of six swinging on the gate. 
 
 It takes but little to draw a crowd. 
 
 By noon half of the town was watching the 
 strange sight of a man sawing wood. They 
 were an orderly crowd, and stood there in 
 breathless silence. They did not attempt to 
 guy me, as I expected they would. They 
 seemed to be merely dazed at the unusual 
 sight. As time wore on, and they grew tired 
 of standing, more and more of them leaned 
 upon the fence, until at last it went down, car- 
 rying the gate and all souls aboard with it. 
 The wreck was complete, but there was no 
 loss of life, for which I was thankful. It was 
 my fault, of course, being the owner of the
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL TRADES UNION. 89 
 
 fence, that it was not strong enough to sup- 
 port the weight of three human beings to the 
 linear foot, and if any one had been seriously 
 hurt I would have been sued for damages. 
 
 If you have never sawed wood, don't try. 
 It is the hardest professional work in the 
 world. As an exercise it is to be commended, 
 but as work, it is to be avoided, shunned, cast 
 off, given to the poor. There is no muscle 
 that it does not tire, no bone that it does 
 not break. In half an hour I was so weak I 
 could have dropped. 
 
 " Stick to it," whispered Jane. 
 
 " Don't give up," said Laura. 
 
 These two sisters were Spartans reincar- 
 nated, at least for that day. They did not 
 know the torture to which they were subject- 
 ing me. It was awful. 
 
 " If I could only do something else," I 
 thought, as I bent my tired back over the saw 
 and worked it with almost palsied arms, " just 
 for a little while every now and then, I believe 
 I could pull through the day." 
 
 But there was nothing else to do. 
 
 I looked appealingly at Alex. He merely
 
 90 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 glanced back with a sardonic smile. I looked 
 pleadingly at Mr. Dickson. He was lost in 
 thought, and murmured " Tantalus." 
 
 The Spartan sisters noticed my action. 
 
 " Stick to it," whispered Jane, again. 
 
 " Don't give up," repeated Laura. 
 
 It was the author of the monograph who 
 saved my life that day. In some way or 
 other she knew and understood. Perhaps 
 she had learned to saw wood at Vassar. 
 At any rate, just as I was about to collapse, 
 Cicely dropped a wash-basin from her kitchen 
 window with a little shriek. 
 
 " Don't go after it, Mr. Wilson," she cried ; 
 " I'll run downstairs and get it." 
 
 But she did not start to run. On the con- 
 trary, she remained in the window and winked 
 most prodigiously. I saw the point, and 
 started for the basin, shouting : 
 
 " Never mind I'll get it for you, and bring 
 it up. I know you're tired." 
 
 But Alex jumped up also. 
 
 " Let me get it," he said, springing toward 
 the basin. " I'm not as tired as either of you. 
 I'll take it up to her."
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL TRADES UNION. 91 
 
 " Oh, no," I answered. " I'll do it. You 
 must be awfully tired from sitting on the grass 
 in that awkward position." 
 
 " Not at all," he answered. " I insist." 
 
 " So do I insist," I replied. 
 
 " But you can't climb the stairs or even 
 work the elevator with that cramp in your 
 back, and that dull, tired, stiff feeling in your 
 arms and legs," he went on. 
 
 " I am as fresh as a daisy," I replied. 
 
 By this time we were both grasping the 
 pan and struggling for the possession of it. 
 He was bound to see his joke through and 
 make me stick at the wood sawing until I 
 dropped from sheer exhaustion. I was deter- 
 mined not to give him that opportunity to 
 laugh at me. I knew a little trick which I 
 had learned when a boy, and I saw an oppor- 
 tunity to use it. He stood with the weight 
 of his body resting on one foot and the other 
 advanced carelessly. I stepped in, caught the 
 ankle of the leg which supported him in the 
 crook of my opposite foot, and, with a twist, 
 threw him backward to the ground. 
 
 To my shame and regret, I was more sue--
 
 92 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 cessful than I expected to be. Alex's head 
 struck the stone border of our long walk, and 
 he was knocked senseless. In a moment I was 
 beside him exclaiming against myself in 
 agony at what I had done. With the help of 
 a couple of neighbors I then carried him into 
 the house, and by the time the doctor arrived 
 he was fairly recovered. 
 
 " You did perfectly right, Ned," said he, 
 when he had recovered sufficiently to talk. 
 " I was trying to play a mean trick." 
 
 " No," I protested. " I should never have 
 done it, and would not, had I known the con- 
 sequences that would follow." 
 
 We shook hands and were better friends 
 than ever after the little incident. 
 
 Perhaps it was fortunate that the accident 
 happened, for Cicely confided to me that she 
 intended to set the house on fire if the dish- 
 pan trick of hers did not work. As it was, I 
 got a good rest for the remainder of the 
 morning. 
 
 At one in the afternoon I took my place 
 promptly by the side of the woodpile and be- 
 gan work again. The populace had disap-
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL TRADES UNION. 93 
 
 peared, undoubtedly supposing that my work 
 had been given up for the day, and fearing 
 perhaps that some of them might be made 
 to pay for the broken fence. The women 
 remained indoors to wait on the injured man, 
 and Mr. Dickson had gone home. 
 
 I fancied for a time that I was to be left 
 in peace for my afternoon's work. But I was 
 doomed to disappointment. While stopping 
 to grease my saw, which I did very often, I 
 heard from the depths of space the low, mo- 
 notonous sing-song of a marching cry. Be- 
 fore the saw was properly greased, and the 
 greasing of a saw is an art which requires 
 time and great care, the sound had become 
 distinct, and I could recognize the words of 
 the cry. They were these : 
 
 " Scab, Scab, Scab, Scab, Scab." 
 
 Occasionally, however, they were varied 
 with this: 
 
 " Work, Work We Want Work." 
 
 In a few minutes the mystery was solved. 
 A procession appeared marching around the 
 corner. It consisted of three men in single 
 file and the three men were the most noto-
 
 94 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 rious drunkards and loafers of the town. To 
 be sure, they occasionally did some work, 
 otherwise they could not get drunk quite so 
 often as they did. But one had to spend a 
 dollar's worth of time pleading with them to 
 do a dollar's worth of work, which one did 
 only because it was not a choice kind of work 
 to do. 
 
 The man in the center of the procession 
 carried a banner made of cloth which had 
 once been white, upon which these words 
 appeared in rudely drawn letters, and with a 
 description of spelling which I have taken the 
 liberty to correct : 
 
 Wood Sawyers' 
 Experimental Trades Union 
 
 No. i. 
 
 Down with the Rich 
 Who would Monopolize Labor. 
 
 The procession halted in front of my wood- 
 pile, but continued to utter their cry of "Scab." 
 I was vexed beyond expression and thought 
 of calling the police. I did not want another 
 crowd in front of my house, however, and I
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL TRADES UNION. 95 
 
 saw that I must get rid of them in some other 
 way. So I approached them soothingly. 
 
 " My good friends," I began, " what do you 
 want?" 
 
 " Work ! " they shouted in chorus. 
 
 " But I have no work to give," I answered. 
 
 " You are taking the food from the mouths 
 of our wives and children," said one of them. 
 
 I knew perfectly well that none of them 
 had either wife or children, but their plaint 
 touched a tender chord in my heart, for I, 
 also, had been hunting work a few days be- 
 fore. I said as much to them. 
 
 " It isn't the chord in your heart we want," 
 answered their apparent spokesman, " but the 
 cord in your yard." 
 
 " What do you mean? " I asked, in aston- 
 ishment. 
 
 " Just this," answered the man ; " we saw 
 all the wood in this town, at least we did so 
 until you took the job away from us." 
 
 I saw the point. 
 
 " We are going to boycott you, until you 
 give us back our work," he went on. 
 
 I had been annoyed enough in my chosen
 
 96 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 vocation already. I realized the trouble these 
 men could make me and the ridicule I would 
 suffer if they continued their present method 
 of annoyance. 
 
 " Look here," I asked, " what will you take 
 per day to leave me alone with my wood saw- 
 ing?" 
 
 They held a short conversation among 
 themselves. The spokesman finally advanced 
 and said : 
 
 " Boss, if you'll give us a dollar a day apiece 
 we'll leave you alone, and let you do all the 
 wood sawing in the world if you want to ; but 
 you are not to sift ashes, shovel snow or coal, 
 or do handy work about houses. Is it a go? " 
 
 It was and it went. I gave them each a 
 week's wages in advance, saw them tear up 
 their banner, and make in haste for the saloon 
 district of the town. Then I proceeded with 
 my work in peace and happiness for the re- 
 mainder of the day.
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 ALEX SAWS WOOD. 
 
 When I awoke the next morning I sent 
 hurriedly for the doctor. I was paralyzed, I 
 thought, or about to be. I could barely move 
 a muscle, and my hands were swollen and 
 blistered. I thought I was about to die. The 
 doctor said I would some day, but not that 
 one. He had the cruelty to laugh at me. He 
 had the greater cruelty to make me get up and 
 dress. Then he tied my hands up in conspicu- 
 ous white bandages, and made me go forth 
 and exercise my lame muscles in every way 
 possible. I took a long walk, which would 
 have been perfect agony but for the compan- 
 ionship of Laura, who seemed to understand 
 what the difficulty was, with a woman's intui- 
 tion. She, moreover, arranged a scheme by 
 which my hands were protected from the pub- 
 lic gaze. She made me thrust one in the breast
 
 98 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 of my coat and the other in my pocket. She 
 then took my arm and we walked miles. After 
 the walk I felt so much better that I blessed 
 not only her but the doctor. 
 
 I did not saw wood that day, however. I 
 got a certificate from my physician to the 
 effect that I was unable to perform such labor 
 on account of illness, and I showed the cer- 
 tificate to all friends and enemies who ap- 
 peared to me. I took especial pains to go out 
 and show the certificate to my " boss," as I 
 now called him, when he came around to see 
 how I was getting on. 
 
 " Kind of a queer sickness," said he, with a 
 grin, " that takes a man in his hands." 
 
 '' Are you a physician? " I asked. 
 
 " Nope," he answered, " but my wife is 
 somewhat of a doctor. She's got a liniment 
 that came down to her from her great-grand- 
 mother that might be good for you. It cures 
 most everything inside or out, and is good 
 for man or beast. Shall I send some over to 
 you? " 
 
 I thanked him, but assured him I was not in 
 need of it.
 
 ALEX SAWS WOOD. 99 
 
 " Well, let me know," said he, " if you get 
 worse, and I'll send some over. It's right 
 smart on blisters." 
 
 " I've no doubt it is," I replied, " but the 
 medicine I have is smart enough for me. In 
 fact, it smarts more than I would like to 
 have it." 
 
 He extended his hand. 
 
 "Well, good-by," he said. "I'll send 
 around this afternoon and get the wood 
 you've sawed." 
 
 " Man is a creature of habit," I believe 
 some one once said. When he extended his 
 hand I thoughtlessly but naturally extended 
 my own to grasp it, and he gave mine such a 
 squeeze that I almost yelled with pain. 
 
 " What's the matter? " he asked, with ap- 
 parent innocence. " I always like that kind 
 of a handshake, don't you? " 
 
 " I hope your wife's liniment is not as caus- 
 tic as your speech," I replied, and turned away 
 from him with hate in my heart. 
 
 Hate does no one good as I soon found 
 out. 
 
 My sore hands kept me idle for a week, and
 
 100 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 for a good part of that time I moped around 
 the " Experimental House." The other ; 
 moped in sympathy with me, and life was 
 dreary enough to delight the most pro- 
 nounced misanthrope. 
 
 Something had to be done to amuse us, 
 and I finally suggested a dinner party. 
 
 " To whom shall we give it? " asked Laura. 
 
 " Certainly to no one outside of our imme- 
 diate circle," I answered, " for we want no 
 strangers around until I can carve better than 
 I can with these sore hands." 
 
 " Let's give it to Alex and Jane," she sug- 
 gested. 
 
 " Good idea," I replied ; " but do you think 
 the author of the monograph can cook well 
 enough yet to satisfy such a gourmet as Alex 
 is?" 
 
 " We'll let him cook the dinner," she 
 answered, with a smile. 
 
 " And let Jane wash the dishes," I added. 
 " It will be a unique idea." 
 
 " An ' experimental dinner party,' at which 
 the guests do all the work," said she. 
 
 " Why has society never thought of such a
 
 ALEX SAWS WOOD. IOI 
 
 thing before? It would certainly be popular 
 and take the place of the old-fashioned sur- 
 prise party." 
 
 The dinner was arranged. Alex came over 
 to the " experimental house " with his wife 
 and cooked the dinner, while his wife agreed 
 cheerfully to wash the dishes again, against 
 the protest of poor Cicely, who declared she 
 certainly could do that as well as any one. 
 
 We were about to sit down to the tempting 
 table when the electric bell rang violent- 
 ly. A minute later Cicely announced my 
 " boss," the wood and coal merchant, to see 
 me. He would not come up to the parlor, but 
 insisted on remaining in the attic. 
 
 " Let him wait until we are through," 
 growled Alex. 
 
 " No, Ned," said Laura, " remember he is 
 your boss, and has a right to call on business 
 at any time." 
 
 " Go and see him at once," said Aunt Alice, 
 " or he may disturb something in that delight- 
 ful attic." 
 
 I went. 
 
 He wanted a cord of wood.
 
 102 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 "All right," I said, with a groan. "I'll 
 saw it this afternoon." 
 
 " This afternoon won't do," he answered. 
 " My customer wants it in an hour. You 
 ought to have it already sawed and on hand, 
 and you remember you are under contract 
 to keep me supplied." 
 
 " But we are just sitting down to dinner," 
 I gasped. 
 
 " Don't make no difference. It ought to 
 be sawed and ready. You're a laboring man 
 now and you have no right to your dinner un- 
 til you've earned it. Besides, I once heard a 
 doctor say it was good for the health to earn 
 a meal before you eat it, and you know you're 
 a sick man." 
 
 " I've got three men in my employ," I sug- 
 gested. " I'll send for them and have it sawed 
 in no time." 
 
 " No use," he answered. " I know all about 
 your three men. I've been trying to get them 
 to do some necessary work for me for the 
 past week, and so have others. They're drunk 
 and won't do work for any one. You've upset 
 the labor market in this town, and you ought
 
 ALEX SAWS WOOD. IOJ 
 
 to be made to suffer for it. I want that wood 
 and I want it quick." 
 
 " Let me think it over," I replied. 
 
 "All right," he agreed. "I'll wait here. 
 In fact, I am going to wait here until I get 
 my cord of wood." 
 
 I went upstairs in disgust and explained 
 the situation to the dinner party. 
 
 " Let him wait," said Alex. 
 
 Aunt Alice and Mr. Dickson, who was, of 
 course, of the party, agreed with Alex. 
 
 I looked at Jane and she looked at the 
 floor. 
 
 I looked at Laura and saw in her eyes ex- 
 actly what I expected to. 
 
 " I am going to saw that wood now," I said, 
 determinedly. 
 
 " Good for you ! " exclaimed Laura, and 
 Jane echoed the exclamation. 
 
 Alex looked for a moment at the two wom- 
 en and then at me, as I was starting to leave 
 the room. 
 
 "I'll help," he said, quietly, and started 
 after me. 
 
 " What, you? " almost shrieked Aunt Alice.
 
 104 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " Yes, I," answered Alex. 
 
 " Why, you never did a stroke of work in 
 your life ! " exclaimed his aunt. 
 
 " Perhaps it is time to begin," he answered. 
 
 Alex found another saw and buck in his 
 aunt's barn, and between us we soon made a 
 good start on the cord of wood. Our " boss " 
 sat in the meanwhile on a lawn chair, spat to- 
 bacco on the gravel walk, and fired occasional 
 words of sarcastic intent at us in his own pe- 
 culiar style. 
 
 " It's a stick stick to it," he remarked. 
 
 We replied in eloquent silence. 
 
 " It's wood would you like to be through 
 with it? " he tried again. 
 
 Alex fired a chunk of the same wood at 
 him which missed. 
 
 "It's pine don't you pine to be up eating 
 your dinner? " 
 
 We saw that paying attention to him was 
 simply encouraging him, so we bent more 
 firmly to our task. Determination can accom- 
 plish wonders, and we had our cord of wood 
 sawed in so short a time that we were our- 
 selves surprised.
 
 ALEX SAWS WOOD. 105 
 
 As we stood wiping the perspiration from 
 our faces and looking in triumph at our 
 " boss," Laura and Jane appeared on the 
 scene with a bunch of flowers for each of us, 
 which they presented with mock gravity. 
 
 " Alex deserves them both," I remarked, 
 " as he had a rusty old saw and I had a new 
 one." 
 
 " It's an old saw," said Alex, " that one" 
 good turn deserves another, and I want to 
 know the villain who was in such a hurry for 
 this wood. Will you tell us, Mr. ' Boss '? " 
 
 " Why, cert," said the latter. " It's for old 
 Mr. Smythe, the fellow who owns the flower 
 beds you and your wife galloped through the 
 other day. He got married yesterday, and he 
 is taking his bridal trip showing his wife 
 around the house. She discovered a fireplace 
 in one of the rooms, and thought a wood fire 
 in it would make her life more cheerful." 
 
 " I fancy it would," said Jane. 
 
 But Alex merely went far out into the gar- 
 den and said things to which we did not dare 
 listen.
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 A MIDNIGHT ALARM. 
 
 We did not see either Alex or his wife the 
 next day. Alex was not in a mood to see any 
 one, and his wife of course remained with him. 
 They were " utter failures " in matrimony 
 without a doubt. They could not bear to be 
 separated from each other. I hope that when 
 they die they will do so at the same instant 
 or if not, that they will live forever. 
 
 Alex was sore over sawing the wood, but 
 he was sorer because he had sawed it for Mr. 
 Smythe. I understood exactly how he felt; 
 and as I felt rather disgusted myself over the 
 performance, we spent a rather blue day in 
 the " experimental house." I saw that my 
 " boss " had me in a rather bad situation, and 
 he was just the kind of a man to take advan- 
 tage of it. I thought of offering my three 
 employees an extra dollar a day to keep sober
 
 A MIDNIGHT ALARM. 107 
 
 and work for other people, especially my 
 " boss " ; but I concluded that it would not 
 do. It would but add to their temptation, 
 and they might land in jail. 
 
 In such a frame of mind I went to bed that 
 night in my boarding-house, and in conse- 
 quence did not sleep well. It was a lucky 
 thing, for about midnight I heard the tele- 
 phone bell tinkle faintly downstairs. I lis- 
 tened. No one appeared to be awake, and I 
 knew that a telephone at that time of night 
 must mean something serious. I arose, 
 dressed, and hurried downstairs. The bell was 
 still tinkling, and a moment later I was talk- 
 ing to the author of the monograph. 
 
 " Mr. Wilson," said she. 
 
 " Yes," I answered. 
 
 " Can you be perfectly calm? " 
 
 That is the way they always begin when 
 they want to strain one's nerves. 
 
 " Perfectly of course," I answered, but my 
 heart began thumping with anxiety. I sup- 
 posed that at the least Laura must be dying or 
 dead. 
 
 " Well " she continued.
 
 108 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " For Heaven's sake, hurry up," I 
 shrieked. 
 
 Of course I yelled too loud in my excite- 
 ment. 
 
 " I did not understand you ; get nearer the 
 'phone," she said. 
 
 " Tell me at once what is the matter," I 
 commanded, calming myself by a tremendous 
 effort. " I am half sick with anxiety." 
 
 " Half sick? " she answered. " Then I 
 wouldn't dare to tell you." 
 
 " Cicely," I said, with a growl of suppressed 
 rage, " I am perfectly well, perfectly calm, and 
 perfectly furious. If you do not tell me, and 
 at once, all you have to say, you shall leave 
 our employ to-morrow, as sure as the sun 
 rises, and about the same time." 
 
 She answered then. Her answer was a dis- 
 tinct disappointment and a great relief at the 
 same time. 
 
 " There is a burglar prowling around the 
 house." 
 
 That was all. Merely prowling around the 
 house. 
 
 Now, if he had been climbing down the
 
 A MIDNIGHT ALARM. 109 
 
 interior of the chimney, or up the side of the 
 house, or into a window with a glittering 
 knife in his mouth, or stealing Aunt Alice's 
 precious cobwebs in the attic, there would 
 have been something to get excited about. 
 But he was merely prowling around the 
 house. 
 
 Nevertheless, I felt it my duty to protect 
 the girl, or at least assuage her fears, so I told 
 her I would go around and ask the burglar to 
 please prowl around some other house. I do 
 not think she caught the sarcasm in my re- 
 mark, for she answered : 
 
 " Perhaps he will if you are polite enough 
 to him." 
 
 I put on my hat and stole out of doors. I 
 was the only person who stole anything that 
 night. The crescent moon made an indistinct 
 light, and I walked in the middle of the road. 
 I wanted the burglar to see me first. Some- 
 times they go away if they see the other man 
 first. I had a hope also that I would meet a 
 policeman to take along just for company. 
 No such luck. I was compelled to face the 
 situation alone. As I neared the house I
 
 110 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 heard a faint, peculiar sound, which I knew 
 full well. Some one was sawing wood. My 
 heart went down to zero at once. Undoubt- 
 edly the burglar was sawing his way into the 
 house. I hastened forward, intending to hide 
 behind the woodpile, but when I got within 
 a hundred feet of the place I stopped short 
 and stepped quickly behind a tree that stood 
 nearby. 
 
 Thej burglar was there sure enough. But 
 he wasn't prowling around the house. 
 
 He was sawing wood at my woodpile. 
 
 Here was a curiosity. I concluded to watch 
 him. He did not saw very much. In fact, he 
 stopped when he had sawed off but one stick. 
 Then he did another peculiar thing. He pro- 
 duced an auger and bored a hole in the end 
 of the stick. This seemed to be hard work, 
 for he stopped several times and wiped the 
 perspiration from his brow, as near as I could 
 judge by his actions, for I saw him but indis- 
 tinctly. He made some peculiar moves after 
 he had bored the hole in the wood, but I 
 could not reason out what they meant, though 
 I distinctly heard him pounding something,
 
 A MIDNIGHT ALARM. HI 
 
 and then noticed that he sawed a thin section 
 of the stick off at the end where he had bored. 
 Then he stopped to rest for a moment. I 
 awaited his next move with bated breath. It 
 was away from the house and he carried the 
 stick with him, tucked under his arm. 
 
 I concluded to follow him at a safe distance, 
 so I waited for a moment. A window in the 
 "experimental house" was cautiously opened. 
 I knew by whom, and in a whisper loud 
 enough to be heard by her and not by the bur- 
 glar, I assured Cicely of her safety. Then I 
 strode off into the dim moonlight after my 
 burglar. He went in the direction of Mr. 
 Smythe's house, across the fields. I breathed 
 a sigh of relief at this, for I feared that he 
 might possibly be making for Alex's resi- 
 dence, which lay somewhat in the same direc- 
 tion. 
 
 He was a queer burglar. He seemed to be 
 utterly unafraid of discovery. I expected that 
 he would dodge from shadow to shadow and 
 shun the moonlight, but he walked boldly in 
 the open and had the double audacity to light 
 and smoke a cigar. To my mind this argued
 
 112 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 that he was a desperate man indeed. He evi- 
 dently feared no " foe in shining armor," or in 
 any other kind. He also whistled a merry tune. 
 But it did not seem to be to keep his courage 
 up it wasn't that kind of a whistle. It was 
 rather the joyous whistle of a man going to 
 his wedding. 
 
 He threw away his cigar, however, upon 
 nearing the Smythe residence and observed 
 more caution. I closed in a little now in order 
 to be able to watch him more closely in the 
 various shadows cast by the buildings. To 
 my amazement he did not go near the resi- 
 dence itself, but made for the outbuildings. 
 
 " Pshaw," I thought, " is he a mere robber 
 of hen-roosts? " 
 
 He did not go near the hen-roost, either, 
 but made straight for the Smythe woodshed ! 
 
 Here was a mystery of mysteries! What 
 could the man want in the woodshed. Ob- 
 viously wood. But for what purpose? He 
 could have obtained all he wanted at my shed. 
 Was he a collector of specimens of firewood? 
 It seemed the most reasonable of any proposi- 
 tion I could think of, and yet how unreason-
 
 A MIDNIGHT ALARM. 113 
 
 able. I had heard of collectors of bugs, dogs, 
 minerals, butterflies, stamps, autographs, and 
 a dozen other things. But who ever heard 
 of a collector of specimens of firewood be- 
 fore? 
 
 " Perhaps," I thought, " I am following a 
 human rara avis instead of a burglar." 
 
 Again I was surprised. The burglar left the 
 woodshed, not with another stick of wood 
 under his arm, but without any ! 
 
 I changed my supposition again. The man 
 was either a burglar or a born fool, and the 
 indications pointed to the latter theory. Per- 
 haps he was crazy. At any rate, the situation 
 became more alarming, for he struck off on 
 the road to Alex's house, which stood dis- 
 tinctly outlined on its hill, not far distant. I 
 followed now breathless with anxiety. There 
 was not the glimmer of a light in Alex's 
 house. All were asleep. My best of friends 
 and his wife might possibly be in danger of 
 their lives. 
 
 The burglar was more imprudent, more 
 confident, more desperate this time. He 
 lighted a cigar and walked straight up to the
 
 114 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 front door as he neared the house. In some 
 mysterious way he opened the front entrance 
 with wonderful celerity, and the minute he 
 had closed the door a light appeared in the 
 house. 
 
 " He must have alarmed Alex," I thought. 
 " Alex has lighted the parlor and probably 
 will the entire house. There will be a meet- 
 ing of the men and a murderous struggle." I 
 fairly rushed up the walk and burst into the 
 house. 
 
 The parlor door was open, and in the broad 
 light I saw Alex and Jane seated on the sofa 
 with their arms around each other's waists, 
 laughing as though they had just heard the 
 funniest joke in the world. 
 
 " Do you know that a burglar has just en- 
 tered this house? " I almost shouted. 
 
 " Come, you're joking," answered Alex, 
 while Jane burst into another paroxysm of 
 laughter. 
 
 " He has," I continued. " I have followed 
 him from the ' experimental house ' to 
 Smythe's, and from thence here. I insist on
 
 A MIDNIGHT ALARM. 115 
 
 your searching the house. Where is your 
 revolver? " 
 
 " I don't know/' answered Alex. And the 
 two laughed again. 
 
 I continued to insist, however, that the 
 house be searched, and the two laughing 
 " Failures " at last consented. 
 
 The search was fruitless, though we went 
 into every part of the house from cellar to 
 garret, Alex and I armed with golf sticks, and 
 Jane carrying a lighted candle behind us. But 
 the two were laughing so all the time that 
 the burglar had plenty of opportunity to be 
 warned of our presence, and no doubt got 
 away. 
 
 " This is absolutely mysterious," I ex- 
 claimed. 
 
 " Decidedly," said Alex, with an amused 
 expression on his face. 
 
 " If he has not dared to remain here," I 
 continued, " he has no doubt returned to the 
 Smythe house. I shall go back there at once 
 and warn them." 
 
 And I started for the door.
 
 Il6 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " For Heaven's sake, don't," exclaimed 
 Alex, grasping my arm. 
 
 " Why not? " I asked in astonishment. 
 
 " Because I am the burglar," he replied. 
 
 At first dimly, then plainly, I saw a light. 
 
 Then I went home to bed and pleasant 
 dreams.
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 I MEET A RIVAL. 
 
 On the next evening I saw another light. 
 
 We were all sitting on our front piazza, 
 which, being away from the street, faced to- 
 ward the Smythe household. There had been 
 a dull glow in one of the rooms for an hour or 
 so and we knew that the sixth Smythe bride 
 was enjoying her wood fire. Alex seemed to be 
 in a fever of anxiety, and yet in good humor, 
 as though he were expecting something pleas- 
 ant to occur. 
 
 It occurred. I do not think it was pleasant 
 for the Smythe household, though they for- 
 tunately escaped personal injury. Their fire- 
 place blew up, and with it most of the room. 
 It made a pretty sight, but the servants man- 
 aged to extinguish the fire before much dam- 
 age was done. Alex has never told me, and 
 I have never asked him, but I am of the opin-
 
 Il8 AN -EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 ion that the explosion was occasioned by 
 powder, and the powder must have been in a 
 stick of firewood. Jane informed me demure- 
 ly, while I was pondering this question out 
 loud, that the sixth bride used powder, and 
 that possibly she caused the explosion herself ; 
 but I do not think it possible that she could 
 have used enough to cause a chemical explo- 
 sion. I have known women, however, who 
 used enough powder to cause an explosion of 
 laughter, and this even after they had left the 
 room. 
 
 At any rate, I considered the affront to my 
 dignity avenged, and I know Alex did, for,- 
 accompanied by Jane, he went over in the 
 most friendly spirit to condole with Mr. 
 Smythe and brought us back all the details 
 of the affair, as his wife did of the bride's 
 trousseau. The " Utter Failures " seldom 
 lost an opportunity. 
 
 By this time I had become more or less pro- 
 ficient in the fine art of wood sawing. After 
 all, it is really more of a fine art than even a 
 profession. I sawed a little in the morning 
 and a little in the afternoon. At night a mys-
 
 I MEET A RIVAL. 119 
 
 terious team from a neighboring town would 
 stop and discharge a small cargo and my 
 woodpile swelled until my " Boss " scratched 
 his head in bewilderment. He examined my 
 hands daily, and said that I beat the world for 
 blisters. He meant lack of blisters. He even 
 found it difficult to keep me supplied with 
 wood, for the same wagon which discharged 
 a cargo of sawed wood took away another 
 cargo of cordwood in its original, pristine 
 purity. Finally, he had to call a halt on me, 
 saying I had enough ahead to last for a couple 
 of months. 
 
 I do not know whether the ladies suspected 
 my trick or not, but I fancy they did, as they 
 expressed no surprise at the growth of the 
 wood pile. They did make an occasional re- 
 mark about the matter however. This was 
 especially the case with the " Failures." 
 
 " Ned works so hard I am afraid for his 
 health," Jane would remark, as I sat on the 
 front piazza with Laura and my pipe. 
 
 " Yes," Alex would reply, " and his hands 
 are becoming as tender as a girl's." 
 
 I made no reply to this sort of thing. I
 
 120 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 merely squeezed Laura's hand a trifle, and I 
 am sure she did not find my own rough. And 
 why should I have made my hands rough with 
 work? I expected to make my living signing 
 checks, and rough hands are not accustomed 
 to that kind of work, as a rule. I sawed 
 enough wood to fulfill my agreement with 
 Aunt Alice, and that was enough. After that 
 I had a right to speculate in sawed wood if I 
 wanted to, and what is speculation but buying 
 and selling selling the other fellow if you 
 can, which you usually can not. 
 
 I was just finishing my work one morning 
 when a stylish dogcart stopped in front, I 
 should say in rear, of the house, and a gentle- 
 man alighted. He was short, slender, and at- 
 tired in the height of style. I had never seen 
 him before, but he seemed to know who I 
 was, for he approached me without the slight- 
 est hesitation and handed me his card. Ac- 
 cording to the card he was Mr. Worthington 
 Hawkins, and I had no reason to doubt the 
 bit of pasteboard. 
 
 " I am at your service, Mr. Hawkins," I 
 said.
 
 I MEET A RIVAL. 121 
 
 " I sincerely hope you are," he replied, loft- 
 ily, drawing a cigarette-case from his pocket 
 and offering me a cigarette, which I declined. 
 
 " What can I do for you? " I asked. 
 
 " Simply this," he answered, lighting a lung 
 destroyer, " break your engagement with 
 Miss Laura Morris so that I may marry her." 
 
 Simply that. 
 
 There are things in this world at times that 
 daze one by their abruptness. I know now 
 that I should have knocked him down, thrown 
 him into his dogcart, and given the horse a 
 lash regardless of consequences. But I sim- 
 ply stared at him stupidly. 
 
 " Have you spoken to the lady on the sub- 
 ject? " I asked, after a few moments of intel- 
 lectual blankness. 
 
 " I have never spoken to her at all," he 
 replied. 
 
 " You do not even know her? " I gasped. 
 
 " By sight only, and not well by that," he 
 answered. " I depend on you for an introduc- 
 tion." 
 
 " You must take me for what I take you a 
 fool," I said.
 
 122 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " I take you for a reasonable man which I 
 am myself," he returned. 
 
 " Will you kindly explain yourself? " I 
 asked. 
 
 " Certainly," he replied. " I have seen the 
 young lady, and ' to see her is to love her,' as 
 you very well know. It is for her sake alone 
 that I make the proposition. I am the fitter 
 husband for her." 
 
 " Why? " I asked, in amazement. 
 
 " Because I am far the richer man. You 
 have a bare sufficiency to live on, I under- 
 stand. I am thrice a millionaire, and more, I 
 can give her everything in life worth having 
 a yacht, a fine residence, horses, dogs, friends 
 in the highest society all over the world, 
 travel, in a word, everything there is in life 
 worth having, including a husband of unim- 
 peachable family. If you love her as honestly 
 as I think you do, the proposition will appear 
 to you as perfectly reasonable. Her happi- 
 ness should be your first thought and your 
 last. I can give her that happiness." 
 
 " You idiot ! " I hissed. " Get out of here
 
 I MEET A RIVAL. 123 
 
 and never let me see you around this house 
 again, or I will horsewhip you publicly." 
 
 " I am not an idiot," he answered, " and I 
 am not a man to be trifled with. I have had 
 my own way all my life, and I propose to have 
 my own way in this matter. I shall remain 
 here in this village until you have had time 
 to think the matter over, to ponder it serious- 
 ly. Then I shall call again. Good morning." 
 
 And with that he walked to his dogcart, 
 climbed in, and drove off in the most digni- 
 fied way imaginable. 
 
 I suppose I should have laughed over the 
 affair; but the human mind gets an impres- 
 sion, a suggestion from everything. He had 
 put an idea into my head. Was I really doing 
 wrong by Laura? Was she marrying me 
 merely from that greatest of all causes, prox- 
 imity? 
 
 I tortured myself with the thought for an 
 hour. Then, worked into apprehension by 
 my own imagination, I determined to go to 
 her and put the case frankly before her, tell 
 her of the morning's adventure, and ask her
 
 124 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 to tell me frankly what she thought on the 
 subject. 
 
 I found her singing at the piano in the hap- 
 piest of moods. She was alarmed by my se- 
 rious manner. 
 
 " What has happened? " she asked. 
 
 I told her of my morning caller and his 
 proposition. I also told her frankly of my 
 misgivings. And I asked her if she were sure 
 she had chosen right? 
 
 Her answer was a kiss. 
 
 A kiss is the most satisfactory remark a 
 woman can make.
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 ALEXANDER'S PERAMBULATOR. 
 
 A few mornings after my visit from Mr. 
 Hawkins I happened to look up the street, 
 and beheld a sight which was, I think, the 
 most surprising I have ever seen. 
 
 It was nothing more nor less than Alex 
 wheeling a perambulator. He had never done 
 such a thing before; he had declared time 
 and time again that he never would. He 
 made fun of young fathers who did that sort of 
 thing, and declared it was fitting for mothers 
 and nurses only. He asserted that a man 
 never looked so ridiculous as when wheeling 
 a baby carriage. 
 
 But he was strolling along in the most un- 
 conscious way, smoking and humming a nurs- 
 ery air. 
 
 He stopped in front of the " experimental 
 house " and looked at me gravely.
 
 126 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " How goes it this morning? " he asked, as 
 though there was nothing unusual about him. 
 
 " Will you kindly explain that? " I asked, 
 pointing to the perambulator. 
 
 " Oh, this? " he replied, giving the baby 
 carriage a gentle tap and smoothing down 
 the lace on the pillow. " Why this is the way 
 they wheel babies around, don't you know." 
 
 " And what is in it? " I continued. 
 
 " A small entity, of course," he answered. 
 " I am giving him a little airing." 
 
 And then he cooed " there there " to a 
 small object under the coverlet, which was 
 commencing to make feeble motions. " Don't 
 be afraid of the bad man. I won't let him 
 hurt you." 
 
 The small object ceased to move. 
 
 " Will you kindly tell me why you are doing 
 this?" Tasked. 
 
 " Certainly," he replied. " The women 
 said I held the views I did concerning the 
 wheeling of a perambulator because I was 
 afraid to do so afraid of the ridicule, you 
 know. I determined to prove to them that 
 they were mistaken."
 
 ALEXANDER'S PERAMBULATOR. 127 
 
 " Oh ! " I exclaimed. " That explains it. 
 For a moment I feared for your sanity." 
 
 " Oh, don't worry about such a little thing 
 as that," he replied. " I told them that not 
 only would I wheel the perambulator but that 
 you were every inch man enough to do so 
 also. Take a turn around the block. Have 
 one with me, as it were." 
 
 " Not much," said I ; " that sort of thing 
 may be all right for a married man, but it 
 would be more than ridiculous in an unmar- 
 ried man." 
 
 " But you are an ' experimental married 
 man/ " he continued. " Come now prove 
 yourself to be the man I take you for. Be- 
 sides, it will be helping me out. I helped you 
 saw wood, didn't I? " 
 
 " Yes, but this isn't sawing wood it's 
 worse." 
 
 " Not at all ; it is the easiest thing in the 
 world," he argued. " You just push the car- 
 riage along gently, lifting the front wheels 
 whenever you make a turn or go over a cross- 
 ing, and occasionally say ' there there,' and 
 hum a nursery ballad."
 
 128 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " I might say ' there there ' all right," I 
 answered, " but I don't know a nursery tune 
 not one. In fact, I don't know much about 
 singing anyway." 
 
 " I'll teach you one," said Alex. 
 
 And then and there, in the publicity of our 
 now fenceless yard, he made me learn " Bye, 
 Baby Bunting." 
 
 I would have had him teach me in a low 
 tone of voice, but he was bound to sing loudly 
 and of course the unusual sound began to 
 attract the attention of the neighbors. Some 
 opened windows to hear and see, and others 
 strolled out and leaned on their gateposts to 
 watch. 
 
 By this time my blood was up, and I 
 thought that if Alex could make a fool of him- 
 self I could make a fool of myself equally well. 
 Besides, it seemed better to take the thing as 
 a joke. 
 
 "All right," I said at length, with a con- 
 siderable show of bravado. " I'll take a turn 
 with your confounded infant." 
 
 Alex resigned the handle of the carriage to
 
 ALEXANDER'S PERAMBULATOR. 129 
 
 me with a sigh. He might have added a croc- 
 odile tear to the sigh. 
 
 " What shall I do if it cries? " I asked on 
 starting. 
 
 " It won't cry," Alex replied. " I'll guar- 
 antee that." 
 
 It did not cry. 
 
 It was a very well-behaved entity for its 
 size, and I made three-quarters of my tour 
 around the block with no further adventure 
 than being well laughed at. But I had become 
 inured to that long since, and did not care. 
 
 It was when I turned back on to our own 
 street that the trouble came. It seemed as 
 though every one had come out to see the 
 parade, even our own family all save Laura. 
 That dear girl refused to witness the scene. 
 
 Half way down the block a cat stood calmly 
 on the paved walk. She was enjoying a sun 
 bath. As I approached with the perambulator 
 she began to look suspiciously around. As I 
 came near she began to back away from me. 
 
 " Funny thing for a cat to be afraid of a 
 baby carriage," I thought. 
 
 And then, stranger still to relate, the small
 
 130 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 being in the baby carriage began to move 
 around restlessly. 
 
 "There there," I said to it gently. 
 " There there." And I began to hum " Bye, 
 Baby Bunting " more soothingly than ever. 
 
 It did not work. The cat backed away 
 more quickly. The small being struggled 
 more violently. 
 
 " Is it possible," I thought, " that one so 
 young could be aware of the presence of an 
 unseen cat and afraid of it? It might be 
 possible, but I doubt it." 
 
 I was informed a moment later of the true 
 situation of affairs; for, before I could grasp 
 it, the small entity gave a leap out of the car- 
 riage and made off after the cat. 
 
 The small entity was Alex's poodle, clad in 
 a baby dress and cap. It went flying down 
 the street after the cat, with Alex in hot pur- 
 suit of both. He loved that poodle, and there 
 were dog-catchers in town. 
 
 In a second the merriment was turned from 
 my poor self to Alex. 
 
 I was born lucky.
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 MR. HAWKINS CALLS AGAIN. 
 
 During the entire time Cicely had been 
 with us she had never availed herself of her 
 " afternoon out." In fact, the dear little wom- 
 an (she had become dear both to Laura and 
 myself by reason of the many splendid fea- 
 tures of her character) had hardly left the 
 house since her arrival. 
 
 Laura spoke to me about the matter, and 
 after a consultation so serious that for the first 
 time we felt as though we really were " keep- 
 ing house," we concluded to insist on her tak- 
 ing a whole holiday to make up for it. Laura 
 did the insisting. 
 
 But Cicely was an insister also. In char- 
 acter, she was more terribly in earnest than 
 any woman I have ever known. 
 
 She declined to take a holiday. 
 
 " Where would I take it? " she asked.
 
 132 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 "Where would I go? What would I do? 
 Who would escort me? You know I have 
 not yet captivated any young man." She said 
 this with a very pretty blush. " In fact, they 
 seem to be afraid of me, and, to be frank, I am 
 afraid of them. Indeed, there is but one thing 
 I am more afraid of." 
 
 " What is that? " asked Laura, anxious to 
 know. 
 
 " An older man," answered Cicely. 
 
 There was another objection. Cicely did 
 not care to waste any of her money. 
 
 " It's not the money that comes to one or 
 the money that goes from one that counts," 
 she declared, " it's the money that stays with 
 one." Which is very fair financial sense, as I 
 take it, from one whose capital was but forty 
 dollars plus a few weeks' wages. 
 
 How it was arranged I do not know, but 
 the two women finally came to an agreement. 
 In lieu of past holidays Cicely was to be lady 
 of the house for one day and Laura to be maid 
 of all work. The plan pleased Laura more 
 than it did Cicely. Laura had a chance to
 
 MR. HAWKINS CALLS AGAIN. 133 
 
 learn more in that day, she declared, than she 
 would in a month of the usual routine. 
 
 Cicely fidgeted around in the morning, tried 
 to read the papers, and could not. Tried to 
 read a novel, and gave it up in disgust. Tried 
 to paint, and abandoned the idea before she 
 had moistened her brush. And finally she 
 strayed out into the garden utterly lost for 
 want of occupation. 
 
 I was now in a somewhat unusual position 
 myself. I was master of the house and " ex- 
 perimental husband " to the servant girl there- 
 of. I ate my breakfast and " kissed the cook " 
 for the first time in my life; and then asked 
 the cook's advice as to what I should do dur- 
 ing the day. 
 
 " I don't want you to stay here and watch 
 my blunders," said Laura. " Go and take a 
 long walk." 
 
 I did as I was bid, even foregoing my usual 
 task of sawing wood for the purpose. I 
 thought that if servant girls were entitled to 
 holidays, so also were wood sawyers. 
 
 I walked and walked aimlessly and deso- 
 lately. Walking may be good for a man who
 
 134 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 is in hate (I don't see why the expression 
 should not be used), but it is not essential to 
 a man who is in love. The man who is in 
 hate may be able to walk off his hate; but 
 the man who is in love only walks himself 
 deeper into it. Now, he would get deeper into 
 it in any event, so he merely tires himself 
 without result. As to where I went I have 
 not the faintest knowledge. I know that there 
 were trees by the wayside and birds in the 
 trees and occasional brooks to cross. But the 
 trees were all whispering " Laura " ; the birds 
 were all singing " Laura," and the brooks 
 were all murmuring " Laura." 
 
 I remember that I met a farmer driving a 
 wagon, and I thought he said " Laura," and 
 I came near firing a rock at him for daring to 
 utter her name. I controlled myself, how- 
 ever, and eventually reached home. 
 
 An unusual sight greeted my eyes as I en- 
 tered my garden. 
 
 Mr. Hawkins and Cicely were seated on one 
 of the settees, and unless I am untutored in 
 the art, Mr. Hawkins was making violent love 
 to the author of the monograph.
 
 MR. HAWKINS CALLS AGAIN. 135 
 
 Cicely fled in some embarrassment at my 
 approach, but my rival faced me with an air 
 of calm resolution. 
 
 " I have called again," he said. 
 
 " Really," I answered, with fine sarcasm. 
 " When I saw you I concluded you must be 
 in Bombay." 
 
 " I am not in Bombay," he answered, sup- 
 pressing his wrath. " I am in love." 
 
 " You are also in my garden," I retorted, 
 " and I have forbidden you to enter it." 
 
 " I came here," he said, " to make you a 
 proposal." 
 
 " It would better be made to the lady you 
 are in love with," I replied. 
 
 " This one is of another sort," said he. 
 " The last time we met you declined a reason- 
 able solution to our difficulty " 
 
 " I am in no difficulty that I am aware of," 
 I interjected. " Certainly I share none with 
 you." 
 
 " I propose," he went on, paying no atten- 
 tion to me, " that we submit to a competitive 
 examination for the hand of the lady." 
 
 " Rot ! " I exclaimed.
 
 136 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " It is certainly a fair proposition," he con- 
 tinued. " We are both men of education. We 
 will be examined in a variety of subjects. You 
 shall name one, then the lady in question shall 
 name one, then myself, and so on in turn until 
 we have chosen, say, a dozen subjects. We will 
 have the teachers in the local grammar school 
 examine us with the superintendent for judge, 
 if any dispute arise. What do you say? 
 Everything now is conducted on that princi- 
 ple. Men are appointed to every sort of posi- 
 tion by competitive examination. It will 
 sooner or later be the proper thing in the 
 choosing of husbands. It is now, to a certain 
 extent, in society, though money enters into 
 the consideration also. Wives will also be 
 chosen in that way -before long." He was 
 waxing enthusiastic. " It will be a great 
 thing. A number of men will be examined 
 in one class and an equal number of women 
 in another. The man standing highest in his 
 class will, of course, marry the girl standing 
 highest in her class. Mark my word, society 
 is coming to it." 
 
 "Well, I'm glad it's not there yet," I
 
 MR. HAWKINS CALLS AGAIN. 137 
 
 answered. " When it gets there I shall get 
 out of society and go far, far away." 
 
 " Do you mean that you reject my propo- 
 sition? " he asked. 
 
 " I most certainly do," I answered. " And 
 if I did, and should you win, the lady in ques- 
 tion would never consent, herself." 
 
 " I have this day become assured that she 
 would," he replied, with an air of triumph. 
 
 I slapped his face. He was too little to 
 hurt. 
 
 " Apologize," he growled. 
 
 " I am not in that business," I answered. 
 
 " You shall hear from me later," said he, 
 and walked off. 
 
 I did hear from him later.
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL DUEL. 
 
 I went into the house with my wrath still 
 upon me. I saw a pretty sight there. The 
 two women were sitting side by side with 
 the arm of each around the other's waist. 
 Cicely, sat with downcast eyes, blushing. 
 Laura was looking upon her in a motherly 
 way, and with a tender smile upon her lips. 
 Had I known more of woman nature than I 
 did I would have understood at once that one 
 was telling the other the secret of her heart. 
 
 In a few moments Laura came to me with 
 what she considered tidings of great joy. 
 
 " What do you suppose? " she asked. 
 
 I really didn't know what to suppose and 
 told her so. That " What do you sup- 
 pose? " is a typical woman's question, just as 
 " Just because " is her typical answer. Do 
 women ever realize how tantalizing these two
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL DUEL. 139 
 
 sentences are? Evidently they do. That is 
 why they use them. 
 
 " Well " she said. 
 
 " Well " I repeated, encouragingly. 
 
 " Cicely is in love." 
 
 " Is that all? " I asked, in all innocence. 
 
 " Pshaw ! " exclaimed Laura, poutingly. 
 " I don't believe you care at all." 
 
 " One love affair," I answered, " is all I can 
 take care of at a time." 
 
 And I kissed away the pout. 
 
 " Well, I think it's delightful," continued 
 Laura. 
 
 " So do I," said I. " It is rapturous, en- 
 chanting. Who would have thought it? Who 
 
 
 
 could have imagined it? I am charmed, 
 pleased, fascinated by the prospect. Who is 
 the lucky fellow? " 
 
 " She doesn't know," answered my own 
 sweetheart, in all solemnity. 
 
 " Doesn't know? " I exclaimed, in aston- 
 ishment. " Come, now, either she is talking 
 through her bonnet or you are joking. Only 
 this morning she said she disliked young men,
 
 14 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 and disliked old men worse than young ones." 
 
 " You goose " began Laura. 
 
 " Call me a gander, if anything of the kind." 
 
 " Don't you know that when a woman says 
 such a thing as that she is ripe for love? " 
 
 " I didn't know it, my dear," I answered. 
 " And I am beginning to see that I know little 
 or nothing about women excepting that I love 
 one of them." 
 
 " Well, Cicely is in love," continued Laura, 
 " and I am delighted." 
 
 " Then I am also," I replied. " And I shall 
 write him to call and make himself at home 
 immediately." 
 
 " But you don't know who he is? " she 
 demurred. 
 
 " Neither does Cicely," I answered. " It is 
 certainly as reasonable for me to write to an 
 unknown as for her to love one." 
 
 " But you don't even know his address." 
 
 " I'll wait till he pays his addresses, then, to 
 her." 
 
 We were interrupted by a tinkling of the 
 door bell. I went to the door myself. The 
 caller was Mr. Hawkins.
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL DUEL. 141 
 
 " I want you to take a walk with me," he 
 said. 
 
 For pure impudence I have never met a 
 man who was the equal of Hawkins. 
 
 " I thought I slapped your face a little while 
 ago," I said. 
 
 " You did," he answered. 
 
 ''' Well, have you come around to present 
 the other cheek? " I continued. 
 
 He was cheekier, however, than I thought. 
 
 " I have come around to fight a duel with 
 you," he answered. 
 
 "That is pleasant," said I. "I don't re- 
 member inviting you, however." 
 
 " Oh, I invited myself," he replied. 
 
 " I see," said I. " A sort of surprise party. 
 Did you bring refreshments with you? " 
 
 " Of course," he answered. 
 
 And to my surprise he produced a couple of 
 pretty ivory-handled revolvers. 
 
 The matter was becoming serious. More 
 than that, I was losing my temper. 
 
 " Come along," I said. We walked rapidly 
 away. As we did so I thought I heard two
 
 142 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 faint little cries from the " experimental 
 house." 
 
 According to all the authorities I have read 
 on the subject, the proper place to fight a duel 
 is a clearing in a clump of woods. We made, 
 therefore, for a grove about a mile from the 
 town, and which seemed just the place for a 
 diversion of this character. I proposed to 
 make an experiment in dueling and had no 
 intention of seriously damaging my queer ri- 
 val. I did propose to teach him a lesson, how- 
 ever, and I wanted to have the affair look as 
 much like a real duel as possible, for his sake. 
 
 " I suppose you have brought the seconds 
 with you? " I asked. 
 
 " Forgot all about it," he answered, frank- 
 ly. " Besides, you should have brought at 
 least one of them." 
 
 " I know that," I confessed, " but the only 
 one I could have brought is my prospective 
 brother-in-law, and he would turn the affair 
 into a joke." 
 
 " That would never do," said Hawkins. 
 " This matter is no joke." 
 
 " No, it is not even a pun," I answered.
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL DUEL. 143 
 
 " I'll tell you what we can do," Hawkins 
 burst out enthusiastically. 
 
 " What? " said I. 
 
 " I'll be your second and you be mine." 
 
 " But seconds ought to be friends," I ob- 
 jected. 
 
 " Well," said he, " I like you first rate and 
 want to be your friend. And I would like to 
 have you my friend." 
 
 I whistled long and low in amused aston- 
 ishment. 
 
 " The fact is," he continued, " you're a first- 
 rate fellow, and I would like to have you visit 
 my wife and me as often as you please after 
 we are married." 
 
 " I can't say that I wish to return the com- 
 pliment," I replied. 
 
 " Oh, you'll like me better after you've 
 known me for a while," he answered. " They 
 all do. I know I look like a fool " 
 
 " Yes," I assented. 
 
 " And I act like a fool." 
 
 I agreed again. 
 
 " Perhaps I am a fool."
 
 144 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 I did not try to convince him that he was 
 not. 
 
 " But it hasn't been proved yet," he 
 answered, earnestly. " And I have reason to 
 believe that I am not. I have often thought 
 about the matter and have almost come to the 
 conclusion that I am rather sensible. Other- 
 wise, I would not permit myself to aspire to 
 this lady's hand." 
 
 By this time we had reached the little grove 
 and soon found a clearing suitable for our pur- 
 pose. 
 
 " Now," I asked, " at what distance do you 
 think you could hit me? " 
 
 " Really, I don't know," he answered. " I 
 have never practiced much, and then only at 
 a barn door." 
 
 " I am not a barn door," I said. 
 
 " No, but the question hinges on your size," 
 he answered. 
 
 " Well, choose your distance," said I. 
 
 " Let's make it twenty paces," said he. 
 " That sounds all right." 
 
 He measured off the twenty paces. It did 
 look as though he might be able to hit me at
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL DUEL. 145 
 
 that distance. But the pistols were of small 
 caliber, and I had but recently suffered from a 
 gunshot wound more serious than any he 
 could inflict. 
 
 " Now," I began, " this is to be an experi- 
 mental duel, at least so far as I am concerned. 
 You shall have three shots at me. If you do 
 not hit me you are to leave the town and make 
 no more pretensions to the hand of the lady 
 to whom I am engaged. I shall not fire." 
 
 " I decline," he said, emphatically. " If 
 I do not hit you I will agree to your propo- 
 sition and leave the town and the lady. But 
 you must promise to take at least the same 
 number of shots at me." 
 
 I saw no objection to this agreement. I 
 could easily fire so wide that I would run no 
 danger of harming him when it became nec- 
 essary for me to shoot, so the arrangement 
 was practically what I suggested. 
 
 We took our positions. 
 
 " You do the counting," said Hawkins. 
 " Say : ' One two three fire ' and at 
 the word ' fire/ and not before, I will com- 
 mence."
 
 146 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 I began to count, but I got no further than 
 the word " two." 
 
 At the instant I said that there was a shriek 
 in a high pitched feminine voice, and Cicely 
 burst through the woods on my right and 
 flung herself upon Hawkins, crying : 
 
 " Don't kill him, please don't kill him, Mr. 
 Wilson for I love him." 
 
 At almost the same moment Laura burst 
 from the woods on my left, and threw herself 
 into my arms with a frightened sob.
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL COACHMAN. 
 
 It is probable that there were never two 
 more astonished men than Hawkins and I 
 were at this unexpected interruption. We 
 gave up the duel then and there. There was 
 something more important to do something 
 far more delightful. We had to soothe and 
 comfort two frightened women, who made 
 us promise " never to do it again." 
 
 It was amazing the way Hawkins succeeded 
 with his task, and still more amazing the de- 
 light he took in it. And, as for Laura, he paid 
 no attention to her whatever. 
 
 We wandered home in couples, by different 
 roads, and on the way Laura explained to 
 me that she had seen Hawkins produce the 
 pistols while she was looking out of the kitch- 
 en window, had guessed what was to happen, 
 and had followed in haste and dire alarm, clad 
 as she was in her servant's gown and apron.
 
 148 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 As she went she saw Cicely running ahead of 
 her. She guessed, also, that Cicely was bent 
 on the same errand. She saw Cicely enter the 
 woods from one side and to make the inter- 
 ruption to the duel doubly certain she had 
 entered from the other. 
 
 We did not hurry home. 
 
 When we arrived there we found Mr. Dick- 
 son seated on the front steps. He was in an 
 attitude of profound dejection. By his side 
 was an open book an " Encyclopedia of His- 
 torical Names." 
 
 " Well ! " I exclaimed. " What is the mat- 
 ter? " 
 
 " I am baffled beaten," he replied. 
 
 " By whom? " I asked. 
 
 " By this young man who is upstairs court- 
 ing your servant." 
 
 " Courting our servant? " I repeated. 
 
 " Presumably so," he answered. " I have 
 just walked in upon them unawares and found 
 her sitting on his lap. I think the courtship 
 a successful one, too. She has a blazing 
 diamond ring on her engagement finger, 
 which I have often noticed on his hand. I
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL COACHMAN. 149 
 
 have noticed everything about the young 
 man, in fact. I have made a study of him 
 and his actions ever since he has been in town. 
 Your prospective aunt has kept me informed 
 of his doings. And he has baffled me, beaten 
 me. He is the first flaw in my theory." 
 
 " You can find no one in history then," I 
 asked, " who is exactly like him? " 
 
 " That is it, precisely," answered Mr. Dick- 
 son. 
 
 " Yes," I said, " he is a new one to me 
 also." 
 
 " His making love to a servant caps the 
 climax," said Mr. Dickson, dolefully. " For 
 the first time in my life I am beginning to 
 doubt the results of my own researches and 
 reasoning. He has kept me awake nights. 
 He has driven me to the verge of nervous 
 prostration. Indeed, there is not a subject 
 connected with this ' experimental house ' of 
 yours who is not a difficult one. I am be- 
 ginning to despair. A moment ago, for the 
 first time in my life, I contemplated suicide." 
 
 "Cheer up," I said, soothingly. "We'll 
 soon be dead."
 
 ISO AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 Then Laura and I ascended to the parlor. 
 
 Cicely was sitting with downcast eyes on 
 the sofa. Hawkins had apparently just risen 
 from it. He advanced to greet us, his eyes 
 shining with happiness. 
 
 " She loves me she loves me," he cried. 
 
 "Who loves you?" I asked, and Laura 
 took my arm and clung to it. 
 
 For answer he went to Cicely, took her 
 by the hand, and led her to us, pointing with 
 pride to the ring he had put upon her finger. 
 
 " Congratulate us," he said, most solemnly. 
 
 We did, with all due ceremony. 
 
 " Now are you satisfied? " he asked. 
 
 I told him that I was never more satisfied 
 in my life, and kissed Laura. 
 
 "Well," he rejoined, "I am glad it has 
 come out so satisfactorily. Now I shall bid 
 you good afternoon. ' And, by the way, may 
 I see you for a few minutes in the garden? " 
 
 I went with him. When once there and 
 out of earshot of the house and dejected Mr. 
 Dickson, who sat staring at us stupidly, he 
 turned to me and asked : 
 
 " How does it come, old man, that you gave
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL COACHMAN. 151 
 
 up Miss Morris so easily and satisfied your- 
 self with the servant girl? I thought you had 
 more temper in you than that." 
 
 " It is you, my dear boy," I replied, " who 
 has satisfied himself with the servant girl." 
 
 " What ! " he exclaimed. 
 
 " That is it precisely," I continued. " You 
 have engaged yourself to Miss Cicely Brown, 
 a very estimable young lady; the peeress of 
 any in the land but just now our ' experi- 
 mental servant girl.' ' 
 
 He reeled a little bit, steadied himself by 
 catching hold of the arbor, looked at me won- 
 deringly, suspiciously, and then thoughtfully. 
 
 "Will you please explain?" he asked, al- 
 most plaintively. " How does it come that 
 the servant is in the parlor and the mistress 
 in the kitchen? " 
 
 I told him about the arrangement the two 
 women had made that morning. 
 
 He studied the matter for a while. 
 
 " I have promised to marry her, and I shall, 
 though she be a servant," he exclaimed, final- 
 ly. " And, after all, I love her with all my 
 heart. Society will be shocked. But society
 
 I5 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 exists mainly for the pleasure of being 
 shocked. Its very foundation rests upon 
 shocks rather than rocks. Although," he 
 added, with a queer smile, " one has to have 
 rocks to be in it. Yes, I will keep my promise 
 indeed, I would not break it for the world. 
 I love her truly and she is just as fine a wom- 
 an as a servant girl as she would be if she were 
 a princess. After all, it is nothing more than 
 might happen under the competitive system 
 of mating in matrimony that I advocate. A 
 servant girl, by lack of higher education, 
 might very well be assigned to the son of a 
 rich man under that system and, after all, 
 what am I but the son of a rich man? " 
 
 Then I told him about Cicely, and ex- 
 plained that she was not at all a servant, but a 
 smart little woman with an idea in her head 
 on which she was experimenting that 
 though she stoutly maintained that she was 
 willing to be a servant, he could easily save 
 her from such a life; in fact, he had already. 
 It is unnecessary to say that the information 
 delighted him. He shook hands with me 
 warmly again, and started off down the street
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL COACHMAN. 153 
 
 whistling " There Is Only One Girl in This 
 World for Me." 
 
 Mr. Dickson hastened after him, encyclo- 
 pedia in hand. 
 
 I went back into the house to explain mat- 
 ters to Laura. She laughed, then cried, and 
 then kissed me. That was all she said. Wom- 
 en are strange creatures. I think some one 
 has said that before. 
 
 It had been a day of incidents. There was to 
 be one more. 
 
 After dusk Hawkins appeared again, and 
 again took me out into the garden. He was 
 radiant with happiness. 
 
 " I have been thinking it all over and I am 
 simply delighted," he said. " What a splen- 
 did girl she is, and what an idea it was for her 
 to do this. We all of us ought to have some 
 little experience as servants, in order to know 
 how to treat them rightly." 
 
 " By Jove ! " I exclaimed, " the first thing 
 we know you yourself will be hiring out for a 
 servant." 
 
 " Precisely what I am going to do," he 
 answered. " I have come here to ask you to
 
 154 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 take me on as coachman take me on trial, at 
 least, please do. I'm a splendid whip, and 
 know all about horses." 
 
 " But," I answered, " I haven't a horse in 
 the world, a carriage, or a stable for that mat- 
 ter." 
 
 " I've fixed all that," he replied. " I will 
 furnish both horses and carriages and keep 
 them at the stable where they are now. All 
 you and your ' experimental wife ' will have 
 to do will be to ride whenever you want to. 
 And I've thought of a splendid livery. Come 
 now, don't refuse." 
 
 I really could not think of a reason for de- 
 clining and consented. 
 
 " May I begin now, sir," he asked, 
 anxiously, touching his hat. 
 
 " Certainly," I replied, with a laugh. 
 
 " Then, I suppose, sir," he continued, again 
 touching his hat, " that I may go upstairs and 
 spend the evening with my fellow servant? " 
 
 I slapped him on the back and led him up- 
 stairs.
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL STORM. 
 
 Matters were now running as smoothly in 
 the " experimental house " as they did in the 
 Garden of Eden before that unfortunate au- 
 tumn. 
 
 Cicely had learned to do her work so well 
 that we raised her wages a dollar a week. 
 Whether it was this fact that spurred her to 
 extra endeavor, or the little detail that as soon 
 as our " experiment " was finished she was to 
 marry a man several times a millionaire, I do 
 not know ; but, certainly, she was a model ser- 
 vant. She was up bright and early every 
 morning and had her work finished every 
 evening exactly half an hour after supper, and 
 her kitchen was the tidiest I have ever seen. 
 In the evening she sat with her affianced in 
 the kitchen enjoying the only reward life gives 
 us for its pain and worry and work love.
 
 156 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 And what a misfortune it is that our reward 
 comes so often before we have earned it by 
 pain and worry and work! Perhaps that is 
 the reason so many of us fail to appreciate it 
 to its full worth. If we could find love at the 
 end of life only, there would be fewer divorces. 
 But, come to think of it, there would probably 
 be fewer marriages also. Perhaps the uni- 
 verse is run on the right principle after all. 
 
 As for our coachman he was a jewel. After 
 I had sawed my allowance of wood in the 
 morning, he would appear and touch his hat. 
 And then I would say : 
 
 " Worthington, I think we will take a 
 drive." 
 
 It sounded rather strange at first to call a 
 coachman " Worthington." " James " or 
 " John " or " Peter " would have sounded 
 much fitter, but Hawkins insisted on being 
 called by his first name, after the manner of 
 his " experimental kind." 
 
 After I had said this, Worthington would 
 touch his hat, and go at once after his best 
 pair and Victoria. Then Laura and I would 
 drive forth in a manner no one ever did be-
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL STORM. 157 
 
 fore, with a millionaire coachman on the box. 
 
 Aunt Alice was all smiles and delight. Her 
 experiment was working admirably. She 
 purred around after the satisfied manner of an 
 old grandmother cat, but ceased to make 
 either criticisms or suggestions. She even 
 went so far as to say to me confidentially that 
 if things went on as they were going I might 
 hope to win her consent to my marriage with 
 Laura. 
 
 Even Alex and Jane became more com- 
 posed as time wore on, and Aunt Alice began 
 to have hopes of their ultimate reformation. 
 Poor Mr. Dickson was the only member of 
 what I may call the " experimental family " 
 who was not satisfied. Every day he lost more 
 faith in his pet theory, and every day made 
 more frantic efforts to maintain it. Like many 
 another man with a theory, he became rattled, 
 and the number of characters he fitted to us 
 was surprising. I firmly believe he did not 
 stop until he had exhausted the encyclopedia. 
 He became nervous and touchy ; and none of 
 us dared to speak to him on the subject save 
 Aunt Alice herself. She laid criticism upon
 
 158 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 criticism and taunt upon taunt mercilessly on 
 the poor man. 
 
 " I'll make a man of you yet," she would 
 say to him. 
 
 " You'll have to hurry up," he would reply, 
 dejectedly. 
 
 Matters were going so well, indeed, that it 
 was perfectly natural we should expect a 
 storm and the storm came. 
 
 Alex arranged the storm. 
 
 It was entirely for the benefit of Aunt 
 Alice, and took place, as per small bills, pre- 
 cisely on time at three o'clock one afternoon. 
 After many experiments he had managed to 
 get a phonograph filled with " rain on the 
 roof." After many more he succeeded in get- 
 ting another filled with " moaning of the 
 wind." The " rain on the roof " was much 
 better than the " moaning of the wind," as the 
 latter had a wheezy sound that was hardly nat- 
 ural. There was not much wind blowing at 
 that time of year, and he had to make a com- 
 bination of the sounds of an electric fan, sev- 
 eral spinning tops, a dog listening to sweet 
 music and accompanying the same, and a va-
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL STORM. 159 
 
 riety actor who could imitate everything ex- 
 cept an actor. 
 
 We waited for a day when Aunt Alice had 
 the blues. The day did not come soon enough, 
 so we had to manufacture even her blues. 
 With a slight, but pardonable deception, we 
 told her that Mr. Dickson had at last suc- 
 ceeded in proving his theory. 
 
 Then she had the blues all right, and 
 wanted to go right into the attic and read 
 old faded letters. Alex at once suggested 
 the storm, and she gladly assented. I will not 
 say who told the pardonable fib about Mr. 
 Dickson. 
 
 The storm was quite realistic. 
 
 We let Aunt Alice read letters for quite half 
 an hour and then we all went downstairs and 
 darkened the attic. Laura ran the " rain-on- 
 the-roof " machine, and Jane the " moaning 
 of the wind." I attended to the stage thun- 
 der, doing very well indeed, they said, with a 
 long sheet of tin. Alex, of course, ran the 
 lightning. He always preferred fireworks to 
 anything else in the world, except his wife. 
 Mr. Dickson sat on the front steps and
 
 l6o AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 watched what he was pleased to call " an idiot- 
 ic proceeding, compared to which his theory 
 was sanity itself." Outside, Worthington 
 smashed branches of trees against the attic 
 windows when the wind blew, and the author 
 of the monograph sprinkled the windows 
 with water from a sprinkling pot. 
 
 It was indeed realistic. Too realistic. I 
 do not think that Alex intended to have the 
 lightning strike the " experimental house," 
 but it did just the same. In other words, his 
 chemicals exploded, and the storm abated in- 
 stantly to give place to an actual panic. For- 
 tunately, every one was in the attic or out- 
 side, and Mr. Dickson had the presence of 
 mind to throw open the front door, by which 
 he was sitting. With some difficulty we made 
 our way through the suffocating smoke, Alex 
 leading his wife, Mr. Dickson Aunt Alice, and 
 I Laura. 
 
 Worthington, in full livery, dashed down 
 to the town to give the alarm, and the re- 
 mainder of us, augmented by all of the Mor- 
 ris household servants, the neighbors, and
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL STORM. 161 
 
 eventually most of the town, tried to put out 
 the fire. 
 
 It was the usual village fire. The engine 
 arrived too late. Water was brought by hands 
 so willing, and in such frantic haste, that 
 most of it was spilled before it arrived at the 
 point where it could be useful. 
 
 There were a hundred ladders in the vicin- 
 ity, but not one could be found. In fact, no 
 one could be found with sense enough to rec- 
 ognize a ladder when he saw one. When one 
 was eventually obtained it was placed in a 
 position where it had to be immediately aban- 
 doned, and where it burned up with the rest of 
 the " experimental house." 
 
 The " experimental house " began as a 
 joke. It was not a reality until it had ascended 
 in smoke or dropped in ashes. Until then 
 none of us knew how much we loved it, how 
 much we enjoyed it, how happy we had been 
 in it. 
 
 " A part of our life is gone," sobbed Laura, 
 weeping on my breast. 
 
 " It is always slipping away, day by day," I 
 said, trying to console her.
 
 1 62 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 But at this she only sobbed afresh. 
 
 "Oh, why should it be so why should it 
 be so? " she broke out. 
 
 And who can tell? The old things, the 
 dear things slip away into the past. Friends 
 die. The minutes, hours, and days burn up, a 
 constant conflagration. Why can not the 
 whole universe stop some time when we are 
 happy and let us remain so forever? 
 
 Why? 
 
 And why grieve about it all? 
 
 Cheer up we'll soon be dead.
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SHADOW. 
 
 The burning of the " experimental house " 
 cast a gloom over all of us. Fortunately, there 
 was something to relieve the gloom, that one 
 thing in the world which can lighten the 
 darkest path we have to tread love. For 
 Alex there was Jane. For Cicely, who had 
 gone to live temporarily with the Morris fam- 
 ily, and who was no longer a domestic, there 
 was Hawkins. For myself, there was Laura. 
 And for Aunt Alice, there was Mr. Dickson, 
 if we could only wean him from his theory, 
 and unite the strands of old-time love, as Alex 
 wished and as we all wished for that matter. 
 
 Fate conspired with us as near as we could 
 judge. Mr. Dickson called often, but he 
 ceased to talk of his hobby. We were de- 
 lighted, and Aunt Alice was even more so. 
 Sometimes when we three couples of lovers
 
 164 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 were not casting sheep's eyes and whispering 
 the nonsense that is the most delightful 
 thing in life, we observed that he would look 
 longingly at Aunt Alice, and make similar 
 sheep's eyes at her. But the difficulty was to 
 get him to whisper the " tender nothings," as 
 some one has called them. 
 
 Even Aunt Alice noticed the change. 
 
 " Is it possible," we heard her say to her- 
 self one evening when Mr. Dickson had made 
 a particularly long farewell after his daily vis- 
 it : " Is it possible that the impossible is to 
 happen? " 
 
 And then she went to her room and was 
 seen no more for that day. 
 
 And on the next she appeared in a new 
 gown, with her hair adjusted in the latest 
 style, and with a bunch of red love roses 
 pinned on her corsage. Her step was as elas- 
 tic as a young girl's, and a new light burned 
 in her eyes. She looked twenty years young- 
 er. 
 
 We lovers smiled at each other. We knew 
 we understood. 
 
 And we smiled again when Mr. Dickson
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SHADOW. 165 
 
 appeared later in the day. He, too, had thrown 
 off the cobwebs and dust of years. The bar- 
 ber, a fashionable suit of clothes, and love 
 had made a new man of him. 
 
 But over all was the melancholy gloom 
 caused by the loss of our house. All that 
 remained of it was a mass of ashes, some 
 charred timbers and bent and twisted iron, 
 and standing upright in the center the strings 
 of the piano. The garden had been ruined 
 by the crowd that tramped around in it, al- 
 though here and there a rose tried to raise its 
 head and drink the sunlight, or a surviving 
 nasturtium stared at us with its yellow eye, 
 as though in wonder at the change. 
 
 The walks were still there. Even Time finds 
 it difficult to erase the path that man has trod. 
 The Ages bury the traces of his brief visit 
 under tons of rock or under hundreds of feet 
 of sand and man finds them again and 
 knows he has been there before. Man is an 
 Indian on the trail -ever in pursuit of his kind 
 in one way or another. 
 
 Reminiscence walks hand in hand with 
 Melancholy.
 
 1 66 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 " Do you remember the first meal? " Laura 
 would ask, looking at the broken remnant of 
 the range. 
 
 " Yes," I would answer, " and the dinner 
 party, and the sawing of the wood for Mr. 
 Smythe." 
 
 I picked up a misshapen mass of tin. 
 
 " What do you suppose that was? " I asked 
 Laura. 
 
 " Can't you guess? " she asked, with a 
 smile. 
 
 I confessed that I could not. 
 
 " Why, that is the basin Cicely dropped out 
 of the window to give you a chance to rest 
 that first day you sawed wood," she said. 
 
 I took the misshapen mass to my room and 
 have it still. 
 
 We all took relics from the ruins. Alex got 
 a part of one of his phonographs. Cicely 
 raked out the remains of her tin paint-box. 
 Laura found a spoon she had used when cook- 
 ing on the day she played servant. And Aunt 
 Alice, after many days of diligent search, 
 found a cobweb which she declared she was 
 going to bear away intact ; but we convinced
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SHADOW. 167 
 
 her that the cobweb was of a later growth 
 than those in her attic. 
 
 I now discharged " Experimental Trades 
 Union No. i of Wheatfield " in a body, and 
 they soon had to go to work again. I also 
 discharged my " Boss," and things began to 
 take their normal aspect all around, all save 
 the ruins of the " experimental house," which 
 we none of us wished disturbed. 
 
 In the meantime I was beginning to be 
 impatient at the delay Aunt Alice was mak- 
 ing in announcing her judgment on the " Ex- 
 perimental Wooing." I felt confident of the 
 result, but I had a lover's anxiety to bind the 
 bargain. I talked the matter over with Laura 
 and we decided to go to her and ask an imme- 
 diate decision. 
 
 We waited for an opportunity when Mr. 
 Dickson was not around and he had become 
 most assiduous in his attentions of late. When 
 the opportunity came I walked boldly into her 
 presence with Laura on my arm. 
 
 " I have come to ask for your consent to 
 our marriage, again," I said. " We have made
 
 1 68 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 the experiment you desired. Have we done 
 well?" 
 
 " Yes," she answered, after a little pause. 
 ' You have done well, much better than I ex- 
 pected." 
 
 " Then we may announce the engagement 
 or rather you will for us? " I continued. 
 
 " Not yet," she replied, and my spirits sank 
 to the level of the sea, and some fathoms 
 deeper. 
 
 " Why? " I asked, falteringly. 
 
 " I have one more experiment for you to 
 make one more ordeal for you to suffer." 
 
 " What is it? " Laura and I asked together. 
 
 " I want you both to try an ' experimental 
 bereavement.' ' 
 
 We sat down on the sofa in dismay. 
 
 " What in the world can you mean? " I 
 asked. 
 
 " Your experiment," answered Aunt Alice, 
 " so far has been one of sunlight. You have 
 managed to stand prosperity very well. But 
 how do I know how you will stand the shad- 
 ows of life for life is composed of shadows as 
 well as sunlight, gray days as well as gold."
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SHADOW. 169 
 
 " But how can you make a shadow that is, 
 an ' experimental shadow '? " I asked. 
 
 ''' Very simply," she answered. " I am go- 
 ing to separate you for three months." 
 
 I protested then loud and long, while the 
 tears ran down Laura's cheeks. But Aunt 
 Alice was firm. 
 
 " In your future life together you will have 
 to be separated often," she said. " Some day 
 one or the other of you will die and one will 
 have to remain in the world alone. Will you 
 be able to stand it with the stoicism both men 
 and women have to assume under misfortune? 
 Then there is another point. If you love each 
 other truly this separation will but weld the 
 bonds that hold you together all the more 
 firmly. And, on the other hand, if there is a 
 flaw in the bonds it will be discovered by one 
 or the other of you in that time." 
 
 We pleaded. 
 
 We argued. 
 
 We almost went so far as to decline to sub- 
 mit to this fresh experiment. 
 
 But Aunt Alice was inexorable. She wrote 
 to some relatives in Philadelphia and made
 
 17 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 arrangements for Laura to stay there, or 
 rather with them, during the remainder of the 
 summer and part of the fall. She was to be 
 taken into society as much as possible both 
 there and at such seaside resorts as they might 
 visit. In other words, she was to be thrown 
 into the society of as many men of proper 
 standing in life as possible, in order that she 
 might compare them to me though this was 
 barely hinted, and hinted only to me. Laura 
 was to be an unconscious victim of the 
 scheme. 
 
 Aunt Alice was to remain at home and in- 
 vite young ladies to visit her and she knew 
 many of them in order that I might have a 
 similar test. In fact, the Morris household 
 was to be the scene of a social activity it had 
 not witnessed since Aunt Alice herself was a 
 young girl. To Alex and Jane the arrange- 
 ments for all this were assigned, and they ac- 
 cepted the duty with their usual delight. It 
 was great sport for them. But I would not 
 listen to the plans they made. I had no inter- 
 est in them. 
 
 The day came only too soon when Laura
 
 AN EXPERIMENTAL SHADOW. 171 
 
 boarded the train for New York on her way 
 to Philadelphia. And as the train which bore 
 her away drew out from our little station the 
 " experimental shadow " fell. 
 And it was as black as despair.
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 THE END OF THE EXPERIMENTS. 
 
 The first day of our separation was as un- 
 happy a day for me as could be imagined, and 
 the rest were as bad. I did not myself know 
 how much I would miss the dear little woman 
 who had shared my difficulties since the morn- 
 ing I was shot on her balcony. 
 
 During the daytime I walked up and down 
 the path she and I had planned and laid out 
 together in our garden, with the black ruins 
 of the " experimental house " for a silent com- 
 panion. During the night I walked the floor 
 most of the time. Three months is a short 
 space of time, or a long one, according to cir- 
 cumstances. So is a day or an hour or a min- 
 ute. 
 
 Alex and Jane did their best to cheer me 
 up, and they did so without any joking. The 
 plan of inviting young ladies to the Morris
 
 THE END OF THE EXPERIMENTS. 173 
 
 household to console me was abandoned, 
 after I had declared that I would not visit the 
 house while they were there. 
 
 Aunt Alice watched me with much interest, 
 but gave me no help. On the contrary, she 
 talked to me often of death, long separations, 
 and that sort of thing. So constantly did she 
 keep this up that those subjects took form in 
 my own brain, and I almost fancied at times 
 that Laura was dead and I a widower. I would 
 get into a mood of this kind, and it would re- 
 main with me until I imagined almost every- 
 thing pertaining to the subject as actually 
 occurring. My thoughts even began to run 
 on the supernatural, and I wondered, should 
 Laura die, if she would ever appear to me in 
 spirit form. It is a compact often made be- 
 tween husband and wife. 
 
 The separation had lasted almost three 
 weeks, when one of these moods came to me 
 as I paced the floor in my room in the early 
 evening. I tried to throw it off, but could 
 not. Eventually I went out into the street 
 and wandered about aimlessly until I stood 
 (having wandered there by a sort of natural
 
 174 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 attraction) in front of the ruins of the " experi- 
 mental house." It was a night of dim moon- 
 light just such a night as the one on which 
 I followed Alex with his stick of wood. 
 
 I turned into the long path that ran 
 through the ruined garden and began to pace 
 up and down with my hands .behind my back 
 and my eyes bent on the gravel before me. 
 
 " If she should die," I thought to myself, 
 " I would rebuild the ' experimental house ' 
 and live here the rest of my life. I would fill 
 the garden with the flowers she loved and 
 here I would walk and wait for her to come 
 to me in spirit form as I know she would." 
 
 The up-train shrieked in the distance and 
 rumbled away to the north. A carriage rolled 
 up the street and back again. A mourning 
 dove uttered its sorrowful cry in a nearby 
 tree. These were the only sounds that dis- 
 turbed me. There was not a sound from 
 the Morris residence, for Aunt Alice was 
 spending the evening with the " Utter Fail- 
 ures." Not even a light appeared in the 
 house. I was quite alone. 
 
 After some time, as I turned at the end of
 
 THE END OF THE EXPERIMENTS. 175 
 
 the walk furthest from the street, I happened 
 to raise my eyes. Then I stopped in wonder 
 and my heart for a moment stood still. The 
 walk was a long one, and the light of the moon 
 quite dim, but I saw, faintly, a white figure, at 
 the end of the walk. It was advancing slow- 
 ly. I did not believe in ghosts, but my 
 thoughts had been on the supernatural, and 
 I will confess that, for a moment, I was fright- 
 ened. 
 
 Summoning up my resolution and courage 
 I advanced toward the white figure. Gradual- 
 ly it assumed the form of Laura, and became 
 more plainly outlined and more opaquely 
 white. My heart leaped into my throat and I 
 stopped in actual fear not of the figure but 
 of the thought that occurred to me. Could 
 it be possible that Laura had died and that 
 she had really come back to me in spirit form? 
 
 I determined to know at any rate, and again 
 walked toward the figure. The nearer I ap- 
 proached, more and more the figure resem- 
 bled Laura. At last I could see her hair, then 
 the rose on her bosom, then her face and her 
 eyes filled with the light of love.
 
 176 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 Spirit or not it was Laura, and I was un- 
 afraid. I opened my arms and walked rapidly 
 toward her. She gave a little shriek, as though 
 she had but just seen me, then she too opened 
 her arms, dashed toward me and a moment 
 later I was holding the real Laura hard to my 
 heart. 
 
 " I couldn't stand it," she cried, sobbing 
 on my shoulder. " I really couldn't. I tried 
 hard, but I couldn't stay away another min- 
 ute. So I ran away, actually without even 
 saying good-by. It was awfully rude, I know, 
 but if I had stood upon ceremony, they would 
 have tried to dissuade me. So I just came 
 away without saying a word, and did not let 
 them know until I got here on the train a lit- 
 tle while ago. Then I telegraphed them from 
 the station. After that I took a carriage and 
 drove right home. The house was open, but 
 I did not see a soul around. My trunks will 
 not be up till morning, so I changed from my 
 traveling gown to this, and came out to walk 
 here in the moonlight. I did not hope to 
 find you here but I did so want to see you.
 
 THE END OF THE EXPERIMENTS. 177 
 
 If Aunt Alice had been home I should have 
 sent for you, late as it is." 
 
 It is unnecessary to repeat what I said to 
 her, or the further remarks she made to me. 
 They may be considered understood. How- 
 ever, at the end of half an hour or so we 
 turned our steps toward the house. As we 
 did so lights began to appear in it, and a 
 carriage drove in. It was, of course, Aunt 
 Alice returning from her call on the " Fail- 
 ures." 
 
 " What shall we say to her? " I asked. 
 
 " Tell her the exact truth, of course," 
 answered Laura. 
 
 The front door of the house was open, and 
 in the hallway stood Aunt Alice talking to 
 Mr. Dickson, who had evidently escorted her 
 home. At sight of us they both made excla- 
 mations of astonishment. As for myself, I 
 felt as though I were bearding a lioness in her 
 den ; but I was fully prepared to declare that 
 neither Laura nor myself would submit fur- 
 ther to such an outrageous test as this last 
 one, and that we were prepared to get married
 
 178 AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 without the consent of Aunt Alice if we could 
 not obtain it without such a separation. 
 
 I do not know exactly what Laura intended 
 to say at any rate, in what words she in- 
 tended to say it. She did not have the chance 
 to speak. 
 
 " You dear girl ! " exclaimed Aunt Alice, 
 the moment she saw Laura, at the same time 
 embracing her and kissing her. " So you have 
 come back without permission? I knew you 
 would I knew you would if you really loved 
 him. Oh, I am so delighted ! " 
 
 " You don't mean to say, Alice," said Mr. 
 Dickson, in astonishment, " that you are de- 
 lighted because she broke the conditions of 
 this last experiment? " 
 
 " Of course I do," answered Aunt Alice. 
 " If she had kept them I would have known 
 that she did not love Ned ; at least, not truly 
 enough to live happily with him for a lifetime. 
 This is just what I expected and hoped for. 
 You lucky man," she continued, turning to 
 me, " take her and be happy. There is noth- 
 ing in the world to prevent." 
 
 I was more astonished than Mr. Dickson,
 
 THE END OF THE EXPERIMENTS. 179 
 
 but I lost no time in " taking her " right into 
 my arms before both of them. 
 
 Mr. Dickson took off his glasses and 
 rubbed them with his silk handkerchief in a 
 mechanical sort of way, as though he were 
 pondering a subject of great weight. 
 
 " Alice," he said at length, " I give it up. 
 You are not Queen Elizabeth. You are not 
 Catherine of Russia. You are no one but your- 
 self. There was never another woman like 
 you and never will be. You have torn down 
 the last prop to a theory I have tried to build 
 up and prove during the best years of my 
 life." 
 
 " Do you mean it, Will? " asked Aunt 
 Alice. 
 
 " I do, Alice," Mr. Dickson replied, looking 
 her in the eyes, almost wistfully. 
 
 " Then," continued Aunt Alice, " perhaps 
 the best years of your life are yet to come." 
 And she held out her hand to him. Singularly 
 enough it was her left hand. 
 
 Mr. Dickson fumbled in the pocket of his 
 coat, and presently drew forth a little box cov- 
 ered with faded velvet. He opened the box
 
 l8o AN EXPERIMENTAL WOOING. 
 
 by pressing on a spring, and took from it a 
 handsome diamond ring, which he slipped on 
 the third finger of the hand Aunt Alice held 
 out toward him. It seemed to fit as though 
 it were made for that particular finger. 
 
 " You have kept it all these years, Will? " 
 asked Aunt Alice. 
 
 " I have carried it with me all these years, 
 Alice," answered Mr. Dickson. 
 
 And then Laura and I turned away into the 
 parlor. 
 
 There was a triple wedding at the Morris 
 household that autumn. And the " Utter 
 Failures " are not the only happily married 
 people in this world, as I happen to know. 
 
 THE END.
 
 A 000043658 4