\* y * DJITCHO^ ^mm-ltF : -CAUFOBf ^OF-CA1IFOB^ lavaHivs^ t g i I dOS ANGEL II i I33NVSOV [UNIVER%. e 133NY-SOV^ 1 \r JU \Q N* ^ ;^ ^URMCBj^ < j 5 OKWJF(K^ ^OF ==fid E v/*/? 5 >i |^| i ^ ^3 ^ ^^. ^ r p- ^- ^> ;.::^ MI\^ ^&AC- v. * ,< * %Amn-3^" %2Wiji^ : -c i ! Qi |Vfel i KIR'S i >g sJ* 10 '^ S-Jllg s>-. . - ^OKAUfO^ ,C^, ~ 1 MEMOIRS " or AST Oil A C H. WRITTEN BY HIMSELF, THAT ALL WHO EAT MAY READ. EDITED BY A MINISTER OF THE INTEKIOR. A spirit of Til entranced with thy beauty, Attempts on the bloom of its sweetness to light ; Bat diacoTered in time by the sentry on doty, He saves my lanthe, and chastens the sprite. LOVE'S ASTXOSOJCT, p. 90. FOURTH EDITION. (REVISED, WITH ADDITIONS.) PUBLISHED BY W. E. PAINTER, 342, STRAND; A.VD SOLD BT AtL BOOX3ELLEBS. BY THE SAME AUTHOR, SECOND EDITION, A LITERARY MELANGE, IN PROSE AND VERSE. Handsomely bound in gold and white, Fancy Wrapper, &c., price 5s. (originally published at 15s.) W. E. PAINTER, 342, STRAND. For Opinions of the Press, see the end of this Volume. Annex 5" INTRODUCTION. MY duties in editing the following pages have been of a very simple nature, consisting principally of weeding out many expressions of bitterness and heart- burning in which my friend, Mr. Stomach, too often indulges ; and also in throvring what little tight I was able upon passages and remarks obscure or questionable. This part of my task, I admit, has required some degree of industry and caie, it will not fail to be observed that our author is of a sensitive nature, and by no means pnftjmrrd of a strong constitution ; indeed, had it been otherwise, these pages would 2015214 VI INTRODUCTION. never have been written. A patient only seeks medical advice when he is ailing; and a stomach only proffers his experience when he feels that it may be of use to others of a like delicate temperament with himself. His humour, his satire, and his philo- sophy will not fail to be appreciated. I only trust my humble task has been per- formed with justice to my friend, the public, and myself; and I can only express the wish, that the following very curious memoirs (considering their authorship) had been intrusted to the supervision of others more competent to the task, than to him who for a brief period has accepted the office of MINISTER OF THE INTERIOR. AUTHOR'S PREFACE. BY what manual agency I wrote the sub- joined pages no one has a right to inquire ; ' but as far as intellectual faculties are con- cerned, I consider I hold a superior posi- tion to my helpmate Mr. Brain; 2 for, while I reside in the drawing-room floor, he lives in the attics. Moreover, if he separated the good from the bad, and digested all matters which he receives as 1 It is to be presumed that all information obtained by onr author on subjects distinct from bis own personal experience, has been derived from the conversation of the individual he inhabits ; and who, we are hereafter informed, was addicted to literary avocations. 2 This boast is excusable. Van Helmont placed the seat of undemanding in the stomach, of volition in the heart, and of memory in the brain ! thoroughly as I do, he would have a greater right to look down upon me than he has at present. The depreciation of another's powers of mind, is the usual and proper beginning to books in general ; and though I am accustomed to introductions of all kinds, I will here content myself with this one. PREFACE TO THE FOURTH EDITION. tx would be neither gracious nor good, to per- mit another edition of these Memoirs to go forth to the public, without the expression of that description of gratitude, which implies a lively appreciation of favours to come. The public evidently sympathises with the dangers and difficulties which the digestive facul- ties of mankind have to undergo ; and the Editor of then pages has been favoured with so many communications on the subject, that were he to make use of one tithe of their contents, he would vili PREFACE TO THE FOURTH EDITION. be infringing the first principles herein advocated, by overloading and distending the " stomach." It is his duty, however, to refer, even though in discourteous brevity, to some of the most agree- able or most amusing. Learned notes from learned men, in almost as many languages as Panurge made use of in his responses to the astonished Pantagruel, have arrived ; as also suggestions grave and gay from all manner of readers and writers. One correspondent expatiates with great gusto upon the charms of dining at another's expense a sentiment highly to be approved, provided the dinner provided be a good one. Another begs a chapter may be devoted to the external treatment of our autobiographer, and makes many apposite remarks upon his position in life, whether standing, sitting, or lying. He de- lares his conviction that one-half of the attacks of dyspepsia are produced by bending over the desk. He advocates an upright position when either reading or writing, and declares that nature made PACE TO THE FOTKTH KDITIOS. IX imparting powers of deflection to the spinal column ! - Amongst other communications, valuable and valued, a medical gentleman very kindly favoured me with his work upon consumption, * seeing, I uypoee, a close analogy between that word and Mr. Stomach's functions. The author, it seems, has devoted his time to the treatment of phthisis in all its stages, and his confidential remarks upon digestive derangement affecting those pre- disposed to pulmonary complaints, are as ex- cellent as his work is undeniably sound. I spoke at once to Mr. Stomach upon the subject ; but being in a somewhat sulky mood, he told me he kew nothing whatever about the affiiirs of " those bellows," as he terms the lungs, and declared that the air thereof very often penetrates through the crevices of the windows in his abode, and then he requires a carminative to drive old JEotus away. This, of course, is utterly un- ^PJmammryOmampAmmmdHtTnalmat. By Willoughby .MJD. T. Ckurciuii, Soba X PREFACE TO THE FODRTH EDITION. true, and convinces me he was annoyed at my evincing an interest in so clever a work as the essay of Dr. Burslem, relating as it does to Mr. Stomach's rivals in the support of the animal economy. A dentist from Fleet Street demands the in- sertion of a passage upon the necessity of artificial teeth, and advances his proposition in a manner by no means implying the necessary absence of real ones. This gentleman declares that all the corporeal ills of life are produced by gaps in the gums, and that the perfection of jaw is the per- fection of joy. In the columns of a. periodical the author is called to order for " an indiscriminate " attack upon medical men; but this assertion I am re- quested by my friend unequivocally to deny. He would not, he declares, purchase an hour's popularity by an attack upon any class of pro- fessional men, and only intends a little good- natured satire upon those who overdo their overdosing. If the reviewer had glanced at page PREFACE TO THE FOURTH EDITION. D 120 he would assuredly hare arrived at a dif- ferent conclusion. The vendors of medicine, and the unscrupulous supporters thereof, have most reason to complain, and their complaint should be proportioned to the three degrees of comparison drug, drugger, druggist. An author of some repute writes to say that the poem of " Love's Astronomy" is like a gem on an anatomist's finger, but which he has no business to wear when he is operating. A Dutch publisher, with a name so long that a van is required to carry it, curiously enough writes from Holland to inquire (referring to a Dutch translation of the Memoirs) what the printers will charge for stereotyped plates of an essay written for those who eat ! I am a little curious to discover how the verbal equivocations, verses, and idiomatic expressions of an English paunch will be rendered into the vernacular of Amsterdam. * Those carious on the subject, I refer to "IfiMM Yarn Oppen and Picari, John Street, Mmote. XU PREFACE TO THE FOURTH EDITION. But amongst all the heterogeneous litter of communications, some half dozen anonymous scented little notes have arrived, whereat Mr. Stomach stuck a sprig of myrtle in his button- hole. Touching the fair sex, a man's vanity is not only less pardonable after middle age, but it is generally of a worse description ; for it is the vanity of the young man, without inexperience as an excuse; and instead of its being chastened and subdued by the world's intercourse, is corrobo- rated and affirmed. Demoiselle loveth her prenx Cavalier many a long while for himself then for his opera boxes, his dainty suppers, and his Greenwich dinners, and she pays for them by the most charming finesse of personal flattery. How vain, how weak, how egotistical, and how tender-hearted I found the author of these grumbling, growling Memoirs, when I told him that at this, the period of his senility, the pen of a fair admirer of his writings had subscribed to his praises, and that under the pseudonym of "lanthe" came expressions kind, generous, and PREFACE TO THE FOUKTH EDITION. xm encouraging ! Oh ! how the information stirred up the embers of his smouldering sentimentality ! Just let the reader imagine to himself some con- ceited old Anacreon, crowning himself with roses, glancing at his mirror of polished metal, (Ode xi.) and glowing with the pleasures of youth con- jured up by Lyaeus ! Let him fancy this picture, and he will be able to conceive the ecstasy of a worn-out digestion springing up into evanescent eneigy, when I suggested the idea of hia having elicited a smile from a fair, and perhaps lovely incognita, and when I related the fact of a reference to bygone days of other literary labours expressed too in a manner sweet as a draught from the waters of Hippocrene. Yes, the old fellow aroused himself in emulation of the jovial sinner of Teos, and here is the result. THE STOMACH TO ILIA. 1. Place that crystal cup of wine Near the taper burning bright ; See, a ruddy light doth shine, A ruby with a heart of light- PREFACE TO THE FOURTH EDITION. 2. Every time the golden flame Wavers to the evening air, The crimson shadow does the same, Dancing here, and dancing there. 3. Haste, my love, with Chian wine, The taper is the beaming soul ; The glow it casts are thoughts divine, Darling Ilia, fill the bowl. 4. When thy sighs of soft desire Stir the roses round my brow, My senses quiver, and a fire Dances through my veins as now. 5. Grapes shall weep with luscious tear, The soul of love shall ravished be ; Ravished by the Teian air, In Lydian accents sung by thee- PEEP ACE TO THE FOUBTH EDITIOK. XT 6. To-night I drain the chalice deep, To Scythian * measure quaffing free ; To-night the Byblian vine shall weep To strains Ionic sung by thee- 7. Eia, press the purple juice, Press my lips with thine apart; In wine there is this double use It strengthens love, and fires the heart. What if our inspired friend, Mr. Stomach, hag tuned his lyre to the Cumaean Sibyl instead of to Aphrodite what if " lanthe " turns out a blue-stocking of a certain age, instead of a blue belle counting twenty summers! But enough of egotism, and vanity, and the affectations of a stomach assuming the functions of the heart. These Memoirs may be likened to a suitor who, pleading to be favourably received, is encouraged to proceed by a gentle Press. But in all sober The Scythians were noted tat their deep potations. XVI PREFACE TO THE FOURTH EDITION. earnestness the author who has written them, offers his best and most grateful thanks to the critics for all those kind expressions which have placed his work so favourably before the public. But for this assistance his Memoirs might have " wasted their sweetness in the desert air" of a publisher's shop; and then, indeed, our physio- logical Diogenes would have stoutly denied the existence of an honest man, because he had found none to praise him. The reverse, how- ever, is the case, and greatly sweetened thereby is the labour of THE MINISTER or THE INTERIOR. MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. :- -. -- MT dxja of eariy infancy shaft* be rapidly paawd over; but it is necessary to state that I was boin of gentle parentage, being related, on die maternal side, to the celebrated Stemmns, of Eaton Hall (since migrated to Eaton Moor), and, on my Cither's side, I dated my pedigree as far back as the first invasion of die Saxons, when die great Sir Hugh Stomach was created baron, from die huge quantity of beef he was able to digest ; and since diat time a certain portion of die ox has been called after him. Hie name Stomach, indeed, is of pure JO MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. Saxon origin, from the word Sto, meaning to stow away, and ach or hack, signifying to hew into small pieces ; the consonant m having been inserted for the sake of euphony. 1 It is scarcely necessary for me to observe that my progenitors first established the Diet of the German empire. Of my poor mother, I will say but little ; she was of a soft, yielding disposition, totally unfitted for the companionship of her husband, who I am bound to confess was of a coarse and robust nature, one that could not appreciate the sweet excellence of his partner. The match, indeed, was an ill- 1 This is evidently a dig at etymologists, and reminds us of Dean Swift's derivation of the word Leda. Leda, he says " was the mother of Castor and Pollux, and, lading a couple of eggs, was therefore called Laid a, or Leda." This joke is execrable, but still it was Swift's. From the same authority we have another derivation, thus : " Achilles was the most valiant of the Grecians. This hero was of a restless, unquiet nature; and therefore, as Guy of Warwick was called a Kill-Cow, and an- other terrible man a Kill-Devil, so this general was called A-kill-ease, or the destroyer of ease ; and at length by corrup- tion, Achilles." Far worse is the derivation of Cucumber Ring Jeremiah, Jeremiah King, Jerry-King, Jerking, Girking, Cucumber. Equalled, if not excelled, in absurdity, is that quoted by Home Tooke : lo-icip rurtp owtp itnvif ; Napkin, nipking, pipking, pippenking, King Pepin. 11 giving birth to a HO and heir in the of the present writer, mj icfwMsl parent of another sphere, and was I mean) in the fiunfly mauso- leum ; whfle on her tomb was engraven the foDow- "With my poor wife Death played his last trick; She died, sweet soul, from want of gastrkk." I cannot, of course, remember the eveut ; but this I know, I was turned over to a nurse before ablac- tation, and the change was nighty detrimental to my health and comfort. The sweet almond j taste of the delicious food mj poor mother gave me was changed to a sort of London milk, sfightiy impreg- nated with Genera. The tricks mis woman played were frightfuL The doctors told her to drink porter, and so she did, and every other sort of liquor in the bargain, to be obtained at the public- hoese. The wont of it was I had no redress, but I took care to let everybody participate in 12 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. my disgust, by inciting my neighbouring arms and legs to kicks and contortions ; aud to the small voice which dwelt upstairs I suggested such shrill cries, as made every person in the house detest the little body of which I was the centre. How- ever, I suffered terribly for my want of endurance ; for sometimes, when the pangs of hunger obliged me to take any refreshment I could get, I heard my friends the lips make a great fuss about some bitter compound the poor wretches were compelled to come in contact with, and these cries were a sure prelude to a horrid flavour coming down, which as much astonished as annoyed me; but I soon found out, when the nurse considered I had re- ceived sufficient of her generous gifts, she discou- raged every desire for a further supply by a certain use of gall, not unknown to maternal solicitude, which nearly turned me inside out. After enduring a wretched state of being for some time, at length the happy period arrived when other aliment was given ; and I should fill a volume were I to relate all the extraordinary sur- prises which awaited me when different compounds MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. 13 .orced themselves upon my attention, but which nevertheless I was compelled to digest and make the most of, for the good of the system in general. Amongst other things, I remember that bread-sop puzzled me extremely. I believe my innocent attendants imagined they were giving me ground corn. Corn, indeed ! Why, when I came to test it by the aid of my powerful machine of analysis a machine so strong I could dissolve a marble, and tell you its component parts when, I say, I came to test it by a strong acid, I found that there was not more than twenty per cent, of flour in the whole composition, the remainder being made of a com- mon sort of starch, alum, ground hones, potato flour, and often plaster of Paris I 1 I must explain that there was a sort of super- vising officer who always accompanied me in life, called Palate, whose duty it was to taste every par- ticle of food intended for my consumption, and to reject it if disapproved. The vigilance of this per- sonage, however, was of no avail against the strata- I In a penny ban lately analyzed were found three grams of alum and ten of chalk, and in others plaster of Paris. 14 MEMOIRS OP A STOMACH. gems which were made to deceive both him and me ; the consequence being, that he very often got into a morbid state of feeling, not knowing good from bad; and instead of guarding me from evil, led me into it. Occasionally, while I was tranquilly reposing after the hard work consequent upon a good meal, or when I was busily at work distributing nourishment to all around, I was suddenly aroused from my slumbers, or my duties, as the case might be, by compounds rushing down, with whose nature I was totally unacquainted, and with which I was sometimes so thoroughly dis- gusted, that I grew restive, and refused to re- ceive this unjust demand upon my powers of assimilation and willingness to oblige. For this, however, I was generally well punished ; and never shall I forget, when one day I had rejected some horrid mixture of treacle, chalk, and sugar, called, I believe, sweetmeats, when I had literally turned it out of doors never, I say, shall I forget my sen- sations when, after a little preliminary conversation between my attendant and a physician, there came my so horrible a nature, dot I Phkgethon had been stirred up, and far my especial benefit. I realty thought it was aB wim me; and what added gready to my was the fear 1 was in of rejecting die poison ; for I thonght I might perhaps be subjected to a repetition, so I bore the erfl ac we! as I could, and took especial care to let my neighbours hare a very conadfrahlp idea of my sufferings, not simply theoreticaL From that hour I date a series of petty grievances of a very Protean sort; and realty it was sometimes laughable to hear robbing going on for rheumatism; to know that poultices were IQ MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. was the cause of it all : and if the nurses and doctors would only, during my first indispositions, have allowed me to remain in perfect repose, sup- plying me with light and nourishing food at regular intervals, giving me, in fact, little or nothing to do beyond agreeable recreation, I should have grate- fully thrown my feet on my well-stuffed sofa, got an agreeable nap, awoke refreshed, and all might have been well; but a system of medicine, once commenced, involved the necessity of its continu- ance, and my feelings may be better imagined than described, when I heard certain drugs being pre- scribed for me, which I knew would ultimately un- dermine and injure my constitution. It will here be as well to give a short and familiar description of my mission in life ; and since I desire that all who eat may read, I shall make little or no use of those technical and anatomical phrases, which would only be comprehended by my greatest enemies the ordinary run of medical practitioners. My personal appearance, I must acknowledge, is not prepossessing, as I resemble a Scotch bagpipe in form, the pipe part being the oesophagus or MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. 1 7 gullet, and the bag myself, I often wish there were more " stops," especially when I am played upon by gluttony, and perhaps there would have been, oould I give vent to noises similar to those of the Caledonian instrument, whose strains ara so ter- rible that the brave Highlanders are said to rush into battle to escape them. The internal structure of the whole of my tribe, Nature originally made very nearly per- fect, but she allotted a large degree of influence to a presiding faculty of the mind called Rea- son ; and in consideration of man's elevation beyond, and above all created things, she made it a rule absolute that man himself should, by the use of this presence, reign over his own des- tiny. Now, this seems to be a very fair provision ; for, had Nature chosen to form man as a mere piece of perfect machinery, no doubt she could have done so ; but by apportioning to him certain high facul- ties, and giving to him a discretionary power, she made him a free agent, and permits him to exhibit aH those lights and shades of character which make him so remarkable an animal, and so well worth the 18 MEMOIRS OP A STOMACH. trouble of studying. As I said before, therefore, though my material form was admirably adapted for the purposes of my being, yet much was left to the dictates of this same Reason ; and a carelessness of her mandates is the cause which has produced so many bodily ills amongst the inhabitants of this our planet. My chief uses were these To receive with becoming courtesy and politeness all nourish- ment that arrived in my parts, through an anti- chamber, or passage, called (Esophagus ; and though, as I before explained, there was an officer named Palate, aided by a subordinate called Smell, stationed at the entrance to lay an embargo upon all improper importations, yet, generally speaking, I graciously received what the gods sent, and proceeded to per- from my several duties. The instant food arrived within my portals, and touched the mucous surface, I secreted so strong an acid 1 from the vigour of my l The gastric juice, besides its acid qualities, contains a pecu- liar nitrogenous substance, called pepsine, but doctors differ as to the nature of the entire secretion ; and it has been as- cribed to hydrochloric, acetic, phosphoric, and lactic acids, and also to an acid phosphate or lactate of magnesia. There are, MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. 19 adjacent coats that I reduced it to a sort of pulp; and out of the strangest materials, with the as- sistance of those below me, I formed a milky semi-fluid, called chyle, so extremely valuable, that the instant it was made a whole body of porters, with so called lacteal vessels, carried it off with aU haste to fertilize the soiL Now, suppose for one single instant the certain result, if you, gentle reader, had sent a number of your servants to fill their pails from a pure stream in order to irrigate your pastures, but, instead of limpid water, they found a compound like the river Thames, which the Tune* terms "a seething ditch." Just so, it often happened to those lacteal vessels I have just men- tioned. They were brought to convey pure and wholesome chyle to all parts of the body ; when they discovered such horrible mixtures, owing to gluttony and overfeeding, that I was often obliged to use all my personal influence to get them to perform their allotted task. any ooe of these ; tmt Lirbfe art Lehman *n i Ucticaod. B2 20 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. But do not for a moment imagine that Nature was so saving as to furnish me with only one means to decompose matters. Oh dear, no. Besides .the acid, she also provided an alkali in the pancrea- tic juice, as also in the bile ; so that there was hardly a chance of escape for any sort of passenger, inas- much as when one intense acid was insufficient to settle their business, a strong alkali was called into requisition, and this helped me off with all sorts of fatty substances, with which the gastric juice would have nothing to do. Substances not soluble by either of these powerful auxiliaries, were sent about their business one way or the other, so that I was well provided by Nature against all contingencies, and the affair stood thus: the ordinary run of things / dissolved ; but when I could not manage them with acid, I turned them over to the alkali. When substances arrived which we neither of us could manage, we passed them on to another parish ; and when in the hands of the tender-hearted over- seer, I pity much their case. If, however, I took a violent dislike to any very questionable sub- KCMOIBS OF A STOMACU. 21 with a strong muscular effort I discarded him at once, as an intruder and a vagabond. 1 Of course, I had my own peculiar methods of setting to work upon my numerous duties; and 1 could explain in detail, if it were necessary, how, by the contraction of my muscles, by par- tial fermentation, by dilution, by endosmosis. but chiefly by my gastric juice acting as a menstruum, I accomplished die difficult task of supporting the entire body, and giving it all its energy and vigour. Added to these means, I had trusty messengers in every direction ; and between myself and that individual, Mr. Brain, there was established a double set of electric wires,* by which means I could, with the greatest ease and rapidity, tell him all the occurrences of the day as they arrived, and he also could impart tome his own feelings and impressions. Often when he has re- ceived unwelcome intelligence, I have refused to I The act of 22 MEMOIRS OP A STOMACH. digest out of pure sympathy ; and when occasion- ally I grew morose and refused to work, he too grew irritable and petulant. In reference to my personal resemblance to the Scotch Bagpipe, there exists in the archives of my family an old MS., written in quaint English cha- racter, which professes to account for the peculiar similitude of our forms. As the legend is short, and bears intimately upon the subject of these memoirs, I here transcribe it : Y B LEGEND OF Y^ BAGPIPE. Once upon a time one of the early Nord Kings left his Scandinavian home upon a foraging expe- dition, and with a party of picked retainers made sail for the coast of Scotland. His voyage was prosperous, and he accomplished his landing without difficulty, making at once for a certain large village from whence he issued his commands, and gave himself all the airs of a native monarch of the soil. The wretched aborigines strove rather to appease, than to reject him, and after making levies of cattle, hides, and a spirit known to the early inhabitants MEMOIRS OP A STOMACH. 23 called Weiss Keigh, he prepared to depart home- wards. It must be here remarked that this monarch not only united in his own person the representation of a powerful, restless, marauding people, but indi- vidually he was endowed with many accomplish- ments, and amongst others he possessed the know- ledge of alchemy and necromancy. By his arts he could turn inanimate objects into animate ones, and when he required a war-horse or a vessel, he betook himself to his incantations. 1 Just as he was on the point of returning to his kingdom laden with spoil, a brave but rash Pict, who had seen with disgust the apathy with which a pirate conqueror was received, retolfed to take the law into his own hands, and if pos- sible to slay the intruder. Arming himself, there- fore, with a heavy stone slung in a thong of goat's leather, he awaited the arrival of his country's enemy near the coast, and., craving an interview, was ushered into the Royal presence. Drawing himself up to his full heigth, he exclaimed, I Then why did he come to rob and plunder, when he pos- cKd other mean* of growing rich ? 24 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. "Why, oh Monarch of the Maelstrom and Ice- bergers, comest thou to levy taxes upon an unoffend- ing people? but Thor and Odin whom thou servest, have permitted this arm to avenge my country, and, rash man, thy last hour hath come. " With this the sling, quick as the forked lightning., described one evolution in the air, and with the force of a thunder- bolt descended upon the empty throne of the monarch. Yes, the Weird King had vanished, and his followers, rushing upon the devoted but unfor- tunate man, bore him into an inner chamber for judgment. There sat the grim Nord, as unconcerned as though he had never moved, taking council of himself how best he might punish the would-be assassin, and at length with gloomy brow he thus spoke : " Know, oh, man, thou must die ! It is written in the book of fate that if ever I pardon the villain who seeks my life, misery and woe will alight upon my people, and the portals of Valhalla shut against me ; there- fore thou must die ! I might have pardoned thy rash design in honour of thy patriotism ; but destiny forbids it, and by Igdrasil 1 (at this dreadful oath the I The Scandinavian tree of life. MEMOIRS OP A STOMACH. 25 earth shook} thoudkst! All I can now do to lessen thy jot punishment is to lender Ay death an easy one instead of sending thee to the torture-chamber, where thy cries of suffering would chann the hear- ing of the fefl Eomemdes.1 Their wrath, however, must be appeased, and the cries of agony thou would st hare uttered must be perpetuated for ever throughout the land wherein thou dweDecL No more; I have spoken the word of fate, and thy doom is sealed." With this speech, before the wondering cap- tive could utter a word, die enchanter cast a powder in his fece, the spectres of death gathered around him, and he sank to die earth a corpse! The stem arbiter of his fete, a Ktde while re- garding him, in almost pitying accents exclaimed, "Let him be buried where the curlews whirl in circles, where die sea-mew screamed* her dirge for die departed, and where die eternal ocean mur- 26 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. murs a requiem for the dead. But first render unto me the stomach of the man, that I may sacrifice to the furies even as I promised, that his spirit may rest in peace." At this command the chief fiefman ripped open with his sword the body of the dead, and carefully extracting the stomach of the Pict, to- gether with the oesophagus or pipe which leads into it, placed it on the ground before the necro- mancer, the servants carrying out the body for inter- ment on the sea-shore. The scene at this moment was touching and grand. There sat the Weird King, wand in hand, and there lay the digestive organs of the departed. At length he uttered a few strange words, and tracing some hieroglyphics in the air with his royal finger, he exclaimed aloud, " Change thou thy form, oh thing of mighty use when in the living clay, and on thy tube let there be stops and key-notes, and in thy bag let there be wind, and let the natives of this region have cunning to play upon thee, and let thy tones be ever as the shrieks of a tortured man, so that the Erjnnyes may be satisfied, and let thou be called now and hereafter BAG- MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. 27 FIPB,I so that what I spoke may come to pass, even unto the letter." He said, and his astonished retainers raised from the earth the first instrument bearing that name born unto Scotland ; and when thev found a native to play upon it, they all rushed to their ships stopping their ears, and never more set foot on the shores of Alben. To return now to the events of my chequered life. Time wore on, and the period arrived when it was necessary to send me to school, and accordingly I was packed off to a public establishment. Here, it must be confessed, I rapidly gained health and spirits, for the strict regimen, regularity of meals, and general discipline to which I was there sub- jected, made great amends for a preliminary surfeit of rich cake and other matters of torture which l It bettered the first bagpipe known to the Scots was found in one of the vessels of the Spanish armada, wrecked on the northern coast. The instrument is a very ancient one ; for OB a piece of Grecian sculpture of the highest antiquity now at Rome, is represented a bagpiper, dressed like a modern high, lander. Nero is said to hare plajed upon a bagpipe, A.D. 51. 9 The ancient name of Scotland. 28 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. were packed up in a trunk ; and for the first few days the key grated in the lock about every two hours. The supplies being soon exhausted, school experience began in earnest. I remember during play hours I heard a great fuss going on amongst the boys, when all of a sudden I received such a thump as made me fancy I was knocked clean out of the osseous frame- work wherein I lay. This I discovered was owing to a polite interchange of blows, arising from the fact of a boy being pitted against the new comer as a trial to test his strength, so as to place him in his proper position in the sliding scale of pugi- lism. I acknowledge I disliked these "bouts" un- commonly, but any suffering was better than the pangs of being overloaded ; and be it admitted to the youngsters' credit, that it was not considered fair and manly to select me as the place of attack; on the contrary, the head and ribs were generally the parts more favoured by polite attentions a most just and proper law which had my entire sup- port and concurrence. Occasionally it was the custom of the bigger boys MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. >2'J to stray out of bounds for the purpose of buying all sorts of abominations, though sometimes I was glad enough of a little addition to the ordinary school fare. Upon one particular occasion the humorous and the terrible were so strongly involved by an event, which custom has since deprived of all novelty, that I must even relate it before I proceed. The day was over, the bell was sounded for " all in," and prayers were called ; when, during the con- fusion of the boys rushing to their places, I found myself carried as fast as legs could carry me far beyond the precincts of the school-grounds, so I felt certain that an ordeal of some sort was in store. Instead of finding myself as usual in a pastry- cook's shop, a certain marine odour of stale fish puzzled me extremely ; and I waited the elucidation of the mystery with such feelings as only a stomach experiences when he is all uncertain as to what is going on and what is coming in, and when he is placed at the mercy of a hungry and unscrupulous school-boy. I was not long held in suspense, and never shall I forget my sensations. Down there came 30 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. flopping no other word is descriptive into my astonished inside a small mucilaginous mass of a saltish flavour, almost fluttering with life (good powers, I thought, it has not had time to settle its affairs !) accompanied by a fluid of extreme acidity, and by particles of black pepper, hot and pungent. I really was never so completely astounded in my life. Over and over I turned the wonderful com- pound, but could make nothing at all of the shape- less little monster. Before I could give vent to a burst of invective which I felt rising within me, another and yet another came unceremoniously slipping down, and then a torrent of a sort of licorish fluid, called porter, came gurgling and frothing after. At this a horrible suspicion flashed across me. For a moment the dreadful ques- tion arose in my mind, whether these peculiar substances salt and flabby, which had so excited my awe and abhorrence, were the eyes of some of the poor brewers employed in the well-known firm of Nux, Vomica, and Co. This fearful idea seemed in a manner to be corroborated by the brackish taste I before alluded to, and which I naturally MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. 31 attributed to the flavour of the poor fellow's tears. The powder, it is true, cast a doubt as to the cor- rectness of my surmises ; but with exquisite ima- gination I looked upon this as some of that dust blown back into the faces of the men, which their master had endeavoured to throw into the eyes of the public, when they playfully affirmed that their beer is genuine. Another cataract of black liquor, however distracted my attention ; and when the money chinked upon the counter, the name of this extraordinary little stranger (which was not wel- come) was pronounced for the first time in my hear- ing, and the word OYSTER was indelibly impressed upon my memory for evermore. Since that time I have had occasion to re- ceive these creatures with extreme courtesy under all forms and circumstances scolloped, stewed, buttered, devilled, with beards and without beards but to the young, ingenuous stomach like my- self at this moment, the raw oyster, boiled with adjuncts of strong vinegar and black pepper, and washed down with a semi-opaque fluid, will ever present features for recollection to linger 32 MKMOIBS OF A STOMACH. over, and offers another proof of how slight is the partition which separates the sublime from the ridiculous. Experience has since told me that it is the cus- tom iu polite society to commence dinner by a few oysters, to give an appetite to the coming re- past, at which I am in no wise surprised ; for, di- rectly they arrive at their interior destination, every description of stomach at all conscious of the dig- nity of his position as a scientific member of a won- derful body, is so curious to analyse the remark- able mollusca, that he secretes a larger amount of gastric acid than is absolutely necessary for the test, and the residue thereof imparts an additional stimulant to appetite. 1 During my process of analysis, I discovered that this conglomeration of seeming z'rcorganic matter is possessed of a very important structure, having a mouth, prolonged lips, gills, muscles, liver, intestines, and, above all, a heart, whererein may repose, for all we know to the contrary, soft affections, and gentlest impulses. l What will medical men eay to the ingenuity of this argu- ment? Is our author in earnest, or is it a sly poke at those ever so ready to account for cause and effect? MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. 33 At aH events the female can produceabout 1,200,000 ' eggs, so small that 2,000,000 could lie within the compass of a cubic inch; 3 so that if affection is at all dependent upon fecundity, the oyster lays strong claims to distinction in this particular. Their sus- ceptibility is so great that they have been observed to close their shells upon the shadow of a boat passing over them ; and, consequently, it is not too much to surmise that they feel strongly their posi- tion when they are violently wrenched open by an unrelenting knife, snatched from their homes, and cast at once into the powerful solution I make ready for my victim the moment he arrives. The question naturally arises, were these delicate little animals intended entirely to tickle men's appe- tites : was Heliogabalus born for oysters, or oysters for Heliogabalus r 3 I suspect, however, Nature in- 1 P<^ the eminent natarafist of Molfeta, who stuped at Ksa and was a member of the Royal Society of England, l Leevwenhoek, the author of the Arcana Natnne. 3 B; HeHogabatas any well-known Button is doobtkss in- better than either woald be Hero, for at the first taste he knew whether outers were bred at Cireei, or at the Loerine rock, or in the beds of Rotapix. c 34 MEMOIRS OP A STOMACH. tended them for a higher purpose than that of coir- tributing to the pleasures of the table, even Roman in its luxury; 1 for geology tells us that they perform, by the immense banks they constitute, a very impor- tant part in preventing the encroachments of the sea upon land, wishing, no doubt, to keep their own element all to themselves. This selfishness, how- ever, is very useful ; and looking at a single oyster, certainly people would never believe they form, when congregated, a sort of concealed breakwater, living together in a happier republic than Sir i The wanton luxury of the Romans may be discerned from the variety of their oysters, which were brought from every sea. Ostrein et conchy His omnibus contingit, ut cum luna crescaut pariter pariterque decrescant ; Civ. Div. ii. 33. ostreee senescente luna inuberes, macrce, tenues, exsuccce ; crescente, pinguescunt ; Gell. xx. 7. luna alit ostrea et implet echinos ; Lucil. lubrica nascentes implent conchylia lunee ; Hor. II S. iv. 30. Plin. ii. 41. Ath. iii. 13. The Tarentine are extolled by Varro, R. R. iii. 3, and Gellius, vii. 16. the Lucrine are preferred by Seneca, Ep. 79. and Pliuy, ix. 54 s 79. Circais autem ostreis euro testaque nigra sunt ; his autem neque dulciora neque teneriora esse ulla compertum est; Id. xxxii. 6s 21. murice Baiano melior Lucrina peloris : ostrea Circeiis, Miseno oriuntur echini ; pectinibus patulisjactat se molle Tarentum ; Hor. II S. iv. 32 sqq. P.R. cf. eund. ii. 31 sqq. Pers. vi. 24. Plin. ix. 18 * 32. Macr. S. ii. 11. iii. 16. V. Max. ix. 1. Col. viii. 16. Varr. R. R. iii. 17. Sen. Helv. 10 R. Note to Stocker's Juvenal. MBMOIRS OF A STOMACH. 35 Thomas More's; carrying on all the duties of life with vigour and propriety ; setting us the example of conjugal worth ; storing their joint-stock banks with gems more precious than gold ; and making even those diseases 1 incidental to a marine life, yield forth an incalculable wealth to mankind. I wonder whether the ladies and the gentlemen who sun themselves in the Haymarket that emporium for sales of the mollusca family ever reflect upon all these claims to our consideration ; and whether, when the full and fair bosoms of the poor fluttering ostrea are suddenly exposed to view, they at least swallow them with feelings of sympathy and kind- ness. Alas, for human nature, I fear not. So much, then, for my first experience of an OYSTER, a pro- duction of Nature which reverses the usual method of expiring, for it lives in its bed, and very often dies out of it Having lingered over the idiosyncrasy of the gentle 1 By some it is supposed that pearls are the result of internal disease ; bat others imagine that they are formed by the filling up of injuries done to the shells by some finny enemy. Reaumur was of the former opinion, but Linnaeus boasted he could make pearls, no doubt meaning that he could do so by the insertion of some foreign substance in the shell of the pearl fish. c 2 36 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. fish at greater length than I intended, I must be as concise as possible in describing my feelings at an event which created a revolution in my domestic economy, and very nearly as much affected my con- stitution as revolutions usually do. I was one day en- joying my "otium cum dignitate," digesting quietly and comfortably, contented with myself, my dinner, and all my kind, when suddenly there came trick- ling upon my unhappy head, a mixture of saliva and some deadly poison, that at once roused me from the "dolce far niente," into an active condition of emotion and horror. I immediately sent a sample to my cerebral neighbour, and he tele- graphed back a message that he too was suffering, and I gradually grew worse. I was obliged at once to relinquish my agreeable occupation of supplying the body with what it required, and could do nothing but express my agonies of sufferings by spasms and distortions, which terminated in a re- sult similar to that I once afterwards experienced by the lurching of a vessel at sea, but which it is not necessary to describe. Sufficient to say I was ill the whole of the- next, day; and as I positively MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. 37 rejected every overture at reconciliation, I remained sulky and disgusted, tin in due time the evil sub- sided, and I gained energy enough to enable me to ascertain the cause of this strange phenomenon. Then it was I learned, that though my sufferings began, they did not end, in smoke. Yes, reader, smoke; the smoke from a most deadly weed; a spirit of evil ushered in by fire, and exorcised by sickness ! Nature made it nauseating poisonous ; but man, combating with the penalty she placed upon his use of it, puffs away through existence ; and this first specimen I received was the puff preliminary. Repetition overcame my dislike to the taste ; and at length, with the true philosophy of my race, I endured that which could not be cured ; and though ultimately cigars and pipes sub- scribed their share with other evils in injuring the system and drying up the juices of the body, still I shared the ill with my adjacent brotherhood ; and personally I received the injury and insult with the dignity of a stomach conscious of bis own rectitude. At this period I left school. Notwithstanding these several drawbacks of occasional suffering, I was, on 38 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. the whole, benefited by the regularity of my re- ceipts and their simple nature. Soon, however, commenced a new era in my life ; and now began a series of ills and misfortunes, which handed me over to those who have ever been the executioners of my tribe the doctors. Hassen ebn Sabah him- self, with his devoted assassins, were not more for- midable to the kings and princes of the East than the physician and his " Fedavi's" (the chemists and druggists) are to the whole progeny of stomachs. Oh, how I trembled when any of these gentlemen were announced ! and most strange did it appear to me that there should exist, in these enlightened days, chronicles and lists of domestic poisons, and a tribe of posologists sworn to their administration, under a regulated system and certificates from govern- ment ! My college career was ushered in by suppers delayed till the morning, and breakfasts till noon. Such breakfasts, too ! Being used to a mug of tea, and a round of dear, simple bread and butter, con- ceive my consternation when a heterogeneous mass was driven into my luckless interior, including every MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. 39 known condiment, and every unknown compound under the sun. Devilled kidneys and moselle : cocoa and cunujoa : coffee and cognac : anchovy paste and pigeon pie : mushrooms, marmalade, and potted char : laver, caviar, pates de foies gras : dried fish, Catalonian ham, and Arch- angel deer tongues : all these, with many other minor delicacies too numerous to mention, very often constituted my first meal ; and out of this melange I was expected to select the good from the bad, without grumbling at the additional labour. My friend and relative, Mr Head, too, had his tasks to perform ; and never did two cab-horses on a (people's) holiday work harder than we did ; but at length, just as he passed his "little go," I broke completely down, and from sheer incapacity was not to be removed by whip or spur. In vain they tried all sorts of drams and stimulants ; I had become so used to them, their effects had ceased. In vain little round pellets of mercury were sent to try their effect. The god himself might have shaken his caduceus in my face with no result. In fact. I could not, would 40 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. not, stir; and it was only after a long course of almost starvation that I consented to resume my duties, and then only by slow degrees. For some time after this I was treated with more forbearance; but getting strong again, they resumed their old tricks of overfeeding me ; and now commenced a system of physicking truly horrible to mention. The raps of the apothecary's boy at the door were incessant, and none but a stomach can estimate the state of nervous excitement those knocks occasioned me. The state to which I was reduced, they were pleased to term dyspepsia, and I never heard the name without trembling all over. For this complaint all the first men 1 of the day were consulted, and they usually prescribed remedies directly opposed to one another; but then there was this advantage as the whole affair was thorough guesswork, there was 1 No doubt, one of these days we shall have women-doctors. America threatens to set us the example, which, after all, is nothing new. Mr. Torrens McCullagh, in his learned and most useful work "The Industrial History of Fiee Nations,' men- tions the fact that a monument at ancient Borne bore a Greek inscription connected with the name of Enhodia, a lady of rank, who possessed extraordinary skill in medicine. MEMOIRS OP A STOMACH. 41 gaiety in the number of drugs prescribed, as there was a chance of the poisons becoming neutralized. 1 To prove that I neither exaggerate nor draw too strongly upon my imagination,! have transcribed a few veritable prescriptions, written by the most eminent medical practitioners of the day, and purchased, for the fee of one guinea, for always the same com- plaint, described by the luckless patient in always the same terms. Be it observed, my master had the good sense not to consult those medical men who dispense their own drugs ; for if he had, I should never have been ah' ve to pen these memoirs. Those red and blue and green carboys in the shops are simply beacons (they are lit up at night) to warn the constitution where it is certain to be wrecked. But not to digress, let me in the dramatic form for a short farce is properly so written describe THE DOCTOR AND PATIENT. ACT 1, SCESB 1. The interior of a handsome house in a fashionable street in London. Enter patient, mho matte in 12 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. the maiting -room with others, until his turn ar- rives for being ushered into the presence of the Esculapius, according to the order of his coming. Enter Servant. SERVANT. This way, sir, please. Patient follows conductor into a large room. Books, busts, and papers everywhere. PATIENT (rather nervously). I've done my- self 1 PHYSICIAN (standing nnth his back to the fire). Take a seat, my dear sir. PATIENT. I thank you its rather cold (or hot) this morn ing. PHYSICIAN. Yes ; what can I PATIENT. I'm not at all well, doctor. The fact is, I have no sort of appetite ; and so I thought PHYSICIAN (interrupting). Put out your tongue. Humph ! foul dyspeptic very. PATIENT. When I rise of a morning PHYSICIAN (interrupting). One moment, give me I There is something peculiarly sardonic in making the doctor's interruption cause the patient to exclaim" I have done myself." MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. 43 your hand. (Feel* pulse.) Pulse languid How long have you felt unwell ? PATIBST. About a week. PHTSICIAX. You suffer from acidity. PAT nor (enthusiastically). Oh, excessive ; a constant burning sensation PHYSICIAN. Yes, I see, sir ; the stomach is in a morbid state. Sound here. (Taps patients chest). Breathe hard, my dear sir. (Placet hit ear against patients heart. (JTith a smile) Nothing wrong there. Have you a headache ? PATIEST. No ; but a dread PHTSICIAS (interrupting). Oh, its only confined to the parts a leetle out of order. IH write you a prescription, my dear sir, which will put you to rights in a few days. (Sits to mrite.) PATIENT. I forgot to say I've considerable pain between die shoulder blades, and PHTSICIAX (interrupting). Just so; I'll add a mixture likely to remove it (Goes on writing .- then carefully Hots the MS., and hands it to the patient, mth a bland indie.) There, my dear sir, 44 MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH. take this 1 as directed, and come to me in a few days. PATIENT (overcome with gratitude.) I'm extremely obliged for your kindness. Fumbles for tlie guinea in his waistcoat-pocket, feeling a little abashed at offering any gratuity to so erudite a Galen ; and in shaking hands, slips it into his palm. Physician exhibits no external symptoms of bashfulness. Patient going. PHYSICIAN. If you've no chemist of your own, my dear sir, I can strongly recommend Mr. Mor- bus, of 24, Doom-street, Bury-square. Allow me to write his address on the prescription. Use my name, and you'll find his medicines excellent. PATIENT. Thank you; he certainly shall make it up. Then, I'm to call again about Wednesday next? PHYSICIAN. If you please, my dear sir; and I've 1 A story is told in Henry Stephens's apology for Hero- dotus, how a countryman swallowed the doctor's prescription in the form of a bolus, because he was told to " take this as directed." Hudibras refers to the anecdote : " Like him that took the doctor's bill, And swallowed it instead o' th' pill." MEUOIKS OF A STOMACH. 45 no doubt we shall toon pot you to rights. Rings &ff, box* patio* out, **> ttia Odnt* he ka* left Patient few*, tenant ope** Enter anaOter (flat*): teems at tefore, or Street door dote*. Patient read* prescription, a* me waOb* along to Doom-ttreet, Bmry-eyuarr. PZEsCMFTIOS. oz; Xixbne of Gum