4-BI8 
 C4-a
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 fin \m*
 
 >econt> (EWtton, toft^ atfoitiong; 
 
 THE AMAZON I AD; 
 
 OR, 
 
 Figure and Fashion : 
 
 A 
 
 SCUFFLE IN HIGH LIFE. 
 
 WITH 
 
 NOTES CRITICAL AND HISTORICAL, 
 
 INTERS PhRS ED WITH 
 
 Choice Anecdotes of Bon Ton. 
 
 u Makes Female worthies, in their works, 
 " To fight like Termagants and Turks." 
 
 HUDIBRAS. 
 
 Dublin: 
 
 PRINTED BY JOHN KING, 
 
 No. 2, Westmorland-street. 
 1S06.
 
 
 AD VER T I SEME NT. 
 
 A AM sensible, gentle Reader, of the 
 boldness of the present undertaking, in which I, 
 an obscure and humble individual, have em- 
 barked. I have presumed for your instruction 
 and delight, to draw aside the silken curtains 
 which, like those interposed before a naked 
 Venus, conceal the mysteries of high life from 
 profane eyes. I know, that in ancient times, 
 those, who revealed the great mysteries of 
 certain female deities, were held in extreme 
 abhorrence and marked for execration among 
 
 the initiated : 
 
 *' Vetabo qui Cereris Sacrum 
 
 " Vulgarit," &c. Hor. 
 
 I am conscious that I shall draw upon me the 
 
 tongues, and perhaps the talons of many dis- 
 
 815900
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 tinguished male and female Characters. Some 
 will think that I have said too much about them ; 
 some that I said too little ; others will be per- 
 fectly indignant that they have been wholly 
 omitted. Nan est nostrum tantas componere 
 Utes. Thy improvement, Reader, was my 
 only object, to that I postponed all other con- 
 siderations. I know thou wilt be wonderfully 
 edified, by the knowledge of high life, the 
 examples of courtly politeness, female virtue, 
 and heroic worth here recorded. 
 
 It may perhaps surprize many, that a person, 
 removed like me from the Cabinets of the great 
 and the Boudoirs of the fair, should be able to 
 acquire a knowledge of such high matters. 
 People may be led to question the authenticity 
 of the relations here given, but I pledge myself 
 for the veracity and fidelity of the Narratives : 
 and the surprize of my Reader will cease, when 
 he shall be told, what infinite pains I have taken 
 to procure information. I have searched 
 every corner where knowledge was to be 
 found. I have assumed various disguises to 
 facilitate my enquiries. I have worn out many
 
 ADVLRT13EM1.NT. 
 
 pair of Shoes and Boots, and expended many 
 Shillings in Coach-like, I have frequented 
 Levees in the Uniform of the Church and 'the 
 Army. I have attended Balls and Routs, 
 sometimes as a fashionable Lounger, sometimes 
 in the costume of an old Lady. I have made 
 myself by turns a Porter, a Chairman, a pow- 
 dered Footman, a Chimney Sweeper, a Sheriffs 
 Bailiff, and a Parish Watchman, that I might 
 the more readily insinuate myself, by night 
 and by clay, into places where whispers might* 
 be overheard, and anecdotes of secret History 
 might be gleaned. I have even intrigued with 
 Chamber Maids, to obtain from those faithful 
 repositories of secrecy the information I de- 
 sired. I have even done more, (Heaven for- 
 give me!) I have resorted to the Black art, 
 and called up Spirits from the vasty deep, to 
 bring me Information. The fruit of all my 
 labours and all my perils is now before the 
 Reader: and I am sure will be equally useful 
 with the labours of Mr. Kelly, who teaches 
 Ladies to manage their Hoops. I am sensible, 
 that to my invisibility, or rather to the variety 
 E 2
 
 VI ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 of forim in which I have appeared, I must 
 owe my security from a nest of Hornets, who 
 would swarm about my ears, and sting me to 
 the quick. Many guesses at my persou will be 
 made ; but made in vain. It will be as easy to 
 guess the true Author of Pursuits of Literature. 
 Many writers, stung with envy, will take up 
 the pen ; and perhaps some innocent persons 
 may suffer, and be marked out as the object of 
 personal attack, which I see with sorrow, and 
 lament to say, is too much the fashion in the 
 present ill-natured times. It is really shock- 
 ing to see what a crop of these prickly weeds 
 the rank soil of Dublin has produced l- -Fa- 
 miliar Epistles to the Manager, Cutcha Cutchoo, 
 (do I spell the word properly ?) The Metropolis 
 in many Cantos, Modest Reply by the Mana- 
 ger, so called, as Lucus a nan lucendo, from, 
 its being immodest ; not that I suppose Mr. 
 Jones really wrote the Modest Reply. All or 
 any of the Authors of these may be disposed 
 to attack the supposed Author of this Heroico- 
 f&shionable Poem, delighted with the idea of 
 Starting new Game.
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. Vll 
 
 That the Reader may the better understand 
 the following Poem, it is necessary to advert 
 to the circumstance which gave occasion 
 to its composition. On a night, when a 
 play was ordered by the Lord Lieutenant ; 
 the Lady of the C******** *'* ***** 
 pro tempore demanded, as her right, the box 
 opposite to that in which his Excellency sits on 
 these occasions. This claim was however con- 
 tended with great heat, by the Lady of a very 
 exalted ** ******** } herself a person of qua- 
 lity. The pretensions of the latter were urged 
 with so much ardour and pertinacity, that the 
 military Lady, after almost as great a defence 
 as that the Prince of Hesse now makes in 
 Gaeta, was obliged to capitulate, and evacuate 
 the box, not however without stipulating for 
 the free and undisturbed possession of the box 
 adjoining, the prior occupant of which was 
 ejected to make room for her, who in turn dis- 
 placed the next "neighbour, until a general 
 dislocation of the solids prevailed, through all 
 the Theatric system, as was learnedly observed 
 by my dear and very good friend Doctor Hill. 
 B 3
 
 Vlll ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 This is a great and auspicious sera, Magnus 
 ab integro seclorum nascitur Ordo. Many a 
 high subject of heroic song croud on the en- 
 raptured imagination of the astonished Bard, 
 and if Providence spares me life, I shall en- 
 deavour to do justice to them. In the mean 
 time, I beg leave, with all humility, to in- 
 scribe these first fruits of my Heroical Lucu- 
 brations to the Gallant and Noble Gentlemen, 
 who frequent the Board of Green Cloth.
 
 THE 
 
 AMAZONIAD; 
 
 OR 
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION, 
 FIRST CANTO. 
 
 ARGUMENT. 
 
 SUBJECT proposed Invocation Arrival of the 
 Duke and Duchess Their great popularity Joy of 
 the people To gratify them a play is performed by 
 command Liberality of the Manager on the occasion 
 Eagerness of the people to obtain places in the 
 Playhouse Compared to the eager application for 
 places 011 a change of ministry TJie crowds in the 
 lobby besieging and beseeching Mr. M'Naliy 
 Dennira appears Description of her person 
 
 Apostrophe to the G Dennira's address to 
 
 Mr. M'Naliy He at first grants her request Ap- 
 pearance of a competitor Surprize of every body
 
 10 ARGUMENT. 
 
 Attended by the mace Law argument of Philo- 
 themis to prove that it would be treason, or at 
 least sedition, not to give her the box Threatens 
 
 M'Nally with Major S He runs away in a 
 
 fright Great confusion War inevitable Portents 
 and prodigies.
 
 AMAZON I AT)*, 
 
 OR, 
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 
 
 HAT mighty rage the female heart inflames 
 How rivalship embroils ambitious dames, 
 Whose valiant deeds eclipse the warlike praise 
 Of stoutest Amazons in ancient days, 
 A*nd all that modern bards have sung or said. 
 Of bright Clorinda and the Gallic maid :* 
 How female bosoms glow with love of place, 
 The General's truncheon clashing with the mace, 
 I tell. Old Father Liff'ey hears the song; 
 His echoes shall the martial notes prolong. 10 
 
 And thou, whose waters emblematic crawl 
 Thro' dirt and darkness to the Castle wall, 
 Thou Poddfef hear; and as they labouring flow, 
 Thro' many a sewer and aqueduct below, 
 Delay their march, attentive to the sound, 15' 
 
 And irrigate each vault and kitchen round. 
 
 * Joan of Arc. 
 
 f The River Poddle winds under ground from near th 
 old Episcopal Palace to the Castle, not wholly unlike the 
 course of some, who have been inmates of the aforesaid 
 Palace.
 
 12 JHE AMAZOKIAD; OH, 
 
 And yet, the Muse recoils from such a strain, 
 The simple mate of rustics on the plain, 
 Confin'd to themes that rural manners yield ; 
 The match of ploughing in the furrow'd field, 20 
 The show of cattle, mighty bulls and boars, 
 Rams, ewes, and wethers, hoggets, lambs, and stores. 
 Or if to sing of warriors was her care, 
 She never rose beyond a country fair. 
 But how the feuds of polish 'd life to sing! 25 
 
 The Poet's fingers tremble on the string. 
 He feels how rashly he pushed from shore, 
 In open bark, without a sail or oar. 
 What hand from ship-wreck shall preserve his fame? 
 What influence aid him in the daring aim? 30 
 
 The hereditary harp, O M- --> try, 
 And tune for me prelusive ministrelsy; 
 Then shall my numbers please each courtly ear, 
 And ev'n a Duchess shall vouchsafe to hear. 
 To thee, great arbiter of Elegance 35' 
 
 In concerts, sermons, plays, and mazy dance, 
 The Muse appeals. With powertu.1 aid support 
 This new attendant on a Viceroy's court. 
 Whether reclined in the viceregal coach,* 
 Or thron'd more aiiy in the gilt baroach, 
 
 9r " Whether you take Cervantes' serious air, 
 
 " Or nod and shake in Rabelais' easy chair." Port,
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 13 
 
 Lend thine assurance to the bashful bard, 
 So may lawn sleeves the charity reward. 
 Meantime let oily Joe* the bagpipe sound, 
 And Ord'nance stores re-echo all around. 
 Then shall a laureat's name the bard adorn, 45 
 
 And crown of bays by ancient Gorgey borne. 
 The very stones shall feel my tuneful pow'rs, 
 And. move in ranks to form mortella Tow'rs. 
 
 'Twas at the time, when Russell's noble son 
 Had prostrate Erin's faded sceptre won : 50 
 
 Our loud acclaims a people's hope confest, 
 And frantic pleasure hail'd the high-born guest. 
 With fond delight the partial croud descry 
 The nose heroic and commanding eye. f 
 With fond delight thro' every line they trace 55 
 How Russell virtues animate his face. 
 Brisk as a fairy, volatile as air, 
 The bonny Duchess, blithe and debonnair; 
 Boast of the Highland clans, old Scotia's pride, 
 In youthful vigour grae'd the Viceroy's side. 6q 
 
 * Mr. A - -, the preceding treasurer of the Ordnance 
 
 retired on his full salary to make room for him. The Gen- 
 tleman is well known as Author of Love in a Blaze, 
 
 f Imitated from Addison 
 
 " In every stroke, in every line, 
 c See some exalted virtue shine, 
 " And Albion's happiness we trace 
 " In every feature of his face.'*
 
 14 THE AiMAZONIAD; OR, 
 
 Still as she pass'd, the choral song arose, 
 Success to the Duchess wherever site goes. 
 What crowds prest forward as affection led, 
 And eager eyes with ceaseless gazing fed. 
 
 To satisfy the wishes of the land, 65 
 
 A comedy was ordered " by Command f 
 That happy Teague might revel in delight, 
 And at the Viceroy stare a live-long night ; 
 For, be it mentioned underneath the, rose, 
 All savages are fond of raree shows. 70 
 
 The thrifty Manager, tho' cook profest,* 
 Was poz'd to cater for the scenic feast. 
 For, sooth to say, full many a barn affords 
 A better company than tramp his boards. 
 Then Heaven enlarg'd, O J s, thy frugal mind, 
 To glad with bounty all the vassal kind. 76 
 
 He added ten pence to their weekly pay,f 
 And ev'ry spouter had two meals that day. 
 
 * The culinary talents of this gentleman have been 
 celebrated by other writers, much }et remains unsung. 
 
 + Lest commentators should be in doubt an hundred years 
 hence, why ten pence wa- the precise modicum added, 
 you are to know it was on account of the ntnt current 
 coin at that time ten penny tnkiti*. The pittance allowed 
 at present to performers in Dublin, is well calculated to
 
 FIGURE AND FASFUON. 15 
 
 Good jockies all are in the rule agreed, 
 
 To work their horses well, and well to feed : 80 
 
 By different maxims human brutes we treat, 
 
 Man sorely toils and sparingly should eat. 
 
 This sage advice the manager retains, 
 
 And meagre diet through the green room reigns. 
 
 No sooner was the gracious purpose known, 85 
 Than expectation travell'd o'er the town 
 On flapping wings, and call'd the grave, the gay, 
 To meet their new chief ruler at the play. 
 Sure never glow'd in opposition breast, 
 Such love of place as then the croud possest. 93 
 Say, hast thou levied in the changeful hour, 
 Some party leader, newly call'd to pow'r ? 
 Say, hast thou marked how visages impart, 
 The greedy wishes and the throbbing heart ? 
 Say, hast thou stood tbr' expectant crowd among, 95 
 
 That E anti-room, on Fridays throng ; 
 
 And bar and army seen, and church and state, 
 With anxious awe their oracle await ? 
 
 qualify them for acting ghosts. The players are not 
 unaptly called Vassal train, to express the sovereign autho- 
 rity exercised by his Most Despotic Highness the Manager. 
 
 c
 
 16 THE AMAZONIAD ; 
 
 Then, Reader, some faint notion might be form'd 
 How hope and fear the public bosom storm'd. 100 
 Then might'stthou judge what eager, throbbing hearts, 
 What loud pretensions and what cringing arts, 
 The great, the little show'd, the high, the low, 
 The belle, the punk, the citizen, the beau. 
 There Corcorans, Keenaghans, Mullowneys came, 105 
 Burns, Killaughers, Shaughnessys well known to fame, 
 M'Laughlins, Dempsys, Murphys, Mooncus urged 
 
 their claim. 
 Round Macanally prest a mingled croud, 
 Liberal in promise, in petition loud ; ' ' ' \ 
 
 AH begging places, for by heaven's decree, 110 
 The Castle Spectre * of that house was he. 
 Amid the lobby he majestic stands,, 
 The sheet f portentous trembling in his hands : 
 He hears their claims, their merits he debates, 
 Inspects the mystic leaf, and sings their fates ; 115 
 
 * A kind ef Deity much worshipped by the wild Irish, 
 and which is supposed to have the power of looking into 
 futurity and telling fortunes. Its temple is situated between 
 two banking houses and the Irish treasury. 
 
 J- Sheet A large Chart on which the ichnography of the 
 Eoxes is delineated, and according to which they are engaged 
 from the box-keeper.
 
 OR, FIGURE AN FASHION. 17 
 
 j " i i i 
 
 Some he receives, and sternly some repels, 
 These grief o'erwhelms, those exultation swells. 
 Thus, on the bank of Styx when Charon stood, 
 And shades by myriads sought to pass the flood,* 
 Some he rejected, some to pass allowed, 120 
 
 And grief and joy alternate fdled the crowd. 
 
 Let every head in adoration bow, 
 Let all the crowd superior claims allow ; 
 And all confess in that portentous hour, 
 The sovereign sway of beauty's magic power. 125 
 From right to left f ye beaus and belles recede, 
 Her high pretensions let Dennira plead. 
 What eastern harams brighter charms contain, 
 Than Liffej/'s banks can shew, and Erin's plain ? 
 O, happy General, tho' the swarthy east 130 
 
 The prowess of thy coiKpj'ring arm confest ; 
 
 # w Stabant orantes primi transmittere cursiim* 
 " Tendebamque manus Ripae ulterioris amore. 
 " Navita sed tristiu nunc hos, nunc accipit illos, 
 M Ast alios longc submotos arcet arena." Virgii., 
 
 f Right to left The author here shews consummate 
 
 judgment, itit rtddere convenientia cuique when he comet 
 to speak of a General's Lady, and describe the croud making 
 way for her, he employs terms applicable to military 
 evolutions. 
 
 C 2
 
 13 THE AMAZOXIAD 
 
 Mysore and Tanjore, Gauts and rivers past, 
 
 How poor were all thy conquests to the last ! 
 
 In her embrace more treasure he explores, 
 
 Than lacs uncounted and unnumbered crores:* 135 
 
 Behold her eyes, and mark how dimly shine 
 
 Thine emeralds, Gani, and Golconda's mine ; 
 
 Corn, wine, and oil her beauteous looks expand, 
 
 And seem to call us to the promis'd land. 
 
 Like Ceres rich, in gladsome triumph borne, 140 
 
 Or Plenty's Goddess, but without a horn : 
 
 What pow'r of words her tempting charms may reach, 
 
 Firm as an apple, juicy as a peach. 
 
 Like the full moon, her face resplendant shows, 
 
 Her breasts are hillocks crown'd with living snows. 
 
 the modest muse no farther pries, 1 46 
 
 The citadel is kept for soldier eyes.f 
 
 With smiles that prefae'd ev'ry word she spoke, 
 
 From coral lips persuasive accents broke: 
 
 " Mac, honest fellow, I the box engage, I5"> 
 
 " That fronts the Viceroy's and adjoins the stage ; 
 
 # Lacs and Crores Indian terms far sums of money. 
 
 | I cannoc sufficiently admire the discretion of the poet 
 in drawing in he reiiis of imagination which else might 
 have run away with him at full gallop, into the paradise of 
 Mahomet and all the luxuriance of Asiatic description. Gau:s 
 mountain passes to the hiJl country.
 
 OR, FIGURE AND FASHION. 19 
 
 " The General to the Viceroy should be near, 
 " Flame in the van or sparkle in the rear ; 
 ' This post, dear Devil, let thy care defend, 
 " And I, by Heav'n, for ever am thy friend ; 155 
 " Thy next review * shall own my fostering aid, 
 " To thy support I'll march a whole brigade." 
 Such charms, such accents might a God have caught, 
 Much more, a man of fleshly substance wrought. 
 The sheet he view'd, he seized the ready quill, 160 
 And mark'd the station at the charmer's will. 
 The charmer eurtsey'd with commanding grace, 
 And conscious triumph fiush'd her lovely face. 
 But ah, how frail and transient man's delight ! f 
 How soon the fairest morn is clos'd in night ! 1G5 
 Brief the possession of all human things, 
 Doubtful the fate of beauties and of kings. 
 Pass some few days, Dennlra shall lament 
 The hour M'Nul/y gave his rash consent. 
 
 Meaning, perhaps, the Box-keeper'a Benefit. 
 
 f u Nescia mens hominum fati scrtisque futuras, 
 " Et servare modum, rebus sublata sccundi*. 
 " Turno tumpus erit, magno cum optaverit emctum 
 " Iotactum Pailanta j et cum spolia ia diemquff 
 " Oderit." Viuctr.. 
 
 3
 
 20 THE AMAZONIAD ; 
 
 Think not thy conquest sure, triumphant dame, 
 
 A mighty rival shall dispute the claim. 17 1 
 
 " Make way, make way there," thro' the lobby 
 sounds ; 
 The stately mace th' astonished crowd confounds. 
 With winning smile, conciliatory grace, 
 
 Then gentle D r display'd his pleasant face.* 175 
 
 His Finger and his Thumb were still in play, 
 
 And nasal offerings strew'd the slimy way. 
 
 Symbol of Justice, when the mace they saw, 
 
 The crowd retired with reverential awe. 
 
 Shrill menaces are heard, and words of ire, 180 
 
 With eyes indignant and with cheeks of fire, 
 
 A dame advanc'd impetuous to the charge ; 
 
 In form not ample, but in spirit large. 
 
 Thus Ti/deus in a narrow compass show'd 
 
 What mighty virtues in his bosom glow'd. 1 S5 
 
 An high-born worth her conscious look exprest, 
 
 Th' astonished Box-keeper she thu* addrest : 
 
 " Are Rules of Equity acknowledged here ? 
 
 " For this Decree, do precedents appear ? 
 
 * A gentleman of prepossessing looks and manners of 
 ingular urbanity and singleness of heart It muC gratify 
 the public to know, that he has accumulated an etrate of 
 four or five thousand a year, through the mere blcs Ing of 
 Providence on disinterested virtue, without any exertion of 
 his own.
 
 OR, FIGURE AND FASHION. 2^ 
 
 < ^ i 
 j 
 
 " Ere your Injunction * shall possess the dame ; 190 
 
 " Let a Petitioner re-hearing claim. 
 
 " Philothcmis my Name, in heaven enroll'd, 
 
 " The mace of justice in my grasp 1 hold. 
 
 " Say, shall the truncheon with the mace contend ? 
 
 " To Martial Law, shall Courts of Justice bend ? 195 
 
 " To back my wishes I Papinian bring, 
 
 " He keeps the conscience of our Lord the King. 
 
 ** His Irish conscience, for the Laws decide, 
 
 " He has a conscience on the other side, 
 
 " And Erskine keepsit ; but what Fate allows 200 
 
 " To Teague and Pat is guarded by my spouse. 
 
 " When JEo!us the wind in bags confin'd, 
 
 " To wise U/j/sses he the charge assigned. 
 
 " Thus in a purse, our gracious King imparts, 
 
 " His seal'd-up conscience to some man of arts. 205 
 
 # There is great beauty in this parsace ; the character is 
 tdmirably preserved. As Dennira had used military terms, 
 so the fair and noble pleader shows much technical knowledge. 
 Wheu .t Decree has been obtained, an Injunction goes to 
 put the i arty in possession. Before a decree is enrolled, a 
 re hearing is graned on petition I refer the female reader to 
 <JCditford''i Chancery practice, for information on this abstruse 
 mbject.
 
 22 THE AMAZONTAD; 
 
 " If to the Sovereign conscience should be near, 
 
 " Near should it's Keeper be ; not day so clear. 
 
 "And what disloyal tongue shall dare to say, 
 
 " The King can ever from his conscience stray r* 
 
 " Seditious is the wretch, who would divide, 210 
 
 " The conscience-keeper from the Sovereign's side. 
 
 " It tends to raise suspicions most unjust, 
 
 " It tends to fill the public with distrust. 
 
 " The purse and seal be ever full in view, 
 
 " That all may know the people have their due. 215 
 
 " I, as their keeper's half, should near be found 
 
 " To Sovereign's Delegate, on Irish ground. 
 
 " And she who would exclude me from my place, 
 
 " Would Law resist and Government disgrace. 
 
 " Tis contumacy, 'tis contempt of Court. 220 
 
 " Serjeant at Arms, my dignity support. 
 
 " In such a Cause, I'll make a mighty stir, 
 
 And call in M , call in Major S- --." 
 
 * Such is the maxim of the law the King can do no 
 wrong. The argument of the Lady is close and unanswer- 
 abl . The King can do no wrong, therefore is inseparable 
 from his conscience, ergo, inseparable from the keeper of it, 
 
 his C , ergo in-eparable from the C. 's 
 
 wife, who is the better half of the C. ........ ., ergo, he who 
 
 separates the C *s wife from the King would sepa- 
 rate the King and his conscience, or insinuate that they may 
 be. separated, aud is no good subject. (^ E. D.
 
 OR FIGURE AND FASHION. 23 
 
 These words of terror acted like a spell. 
 As at the appearance of some fiend of Hell, 
 Pale and aghast poor Macanally stands, 
 Tlie pen and ink now glided from his hands. 
 He tore the sheet, he vanished in a fright, 
 Murmuring, and with him fled the shades of night. 
 His flight so sudden, all the croud divides, 230 
 
 Perplex'd they range, the Door-keepers their guides. 
 The House was all before them, where to choose; 
 But who shall grant them Boxes or refuse j 
 A while they hesitate, a while they pause, 
 Then brutal force supplies the place of laws. 235 
 
 UnnumberM Portents, dreadful and deform, 
 Announc'd the rising of a fatal storm. 
 Pease fell in torrents, Goblins danc'd in air, 
 With flashing Rosin, Stage and Green-Room glare. 
 Along the lofts terrific thunder roll'd, 240 
 
 The Catcall scream'd, the Bell of Jaffier toll'd . 
 Untouch'd by any hand the Basses roar, 
 Masques move, without their heads, along the floor. 
 From every trap-door Demons rise to view, 
 And Sisters weird th' infernal Chaldron brew. 24-5 
 Exulting Discord hail'd the loud alarms, 
 And all the combatants prepare for arms.
 
 24 THE AMAZONIAD. 
 
 But now 'tis thue to rest my wearied steed, 
 Another song shall bid the war proceed. # 249 
 
 * Sec the description of the prodigies that anovnctd th 
 death of Juliui e*ar. Virgii r 4 Georgics, Book the 6*t* 
 
 tND Or THE FIRST CANTO-,
 
 THE AMAZONIAD, Xt. 
 
 SECOND CANTO. 
 
 ARGUMENT. 
 
 fSVOCA TION Doctor Y .His condescen- 
 
 tion and pious resignation in coming to this Country 
 Irruption of the Goths and Vandals into the Cas- 
 tle They are ckaced away by the prowess of Sir 
 Charles, a gentle Knight The Poet regrets the dis- 
 grace of some distinguished Characters Rejoicings 
 for the Victory The Court determines to go to the 
 Theatre Catalogue of the Party and Order of their 
 going Company in the Boxes described Battle com- 
 mences The military skill of Deenira commended 
 Her wise precaution in taking possession of the field 
 of Battle in the disputedBox at the first opening of the 
 Box Doors Judicious disposition of her forces 
 Determined hostility of both Parties Philothemis 
 commences the attack Great uproar.
 
 AMAZON I AD; 
 
 OR, 
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 
 
 SECOND CANTO. 
 
 JL O all that in the pale of Fashion dwell, 
 The Blade of spirit, and the lively Belle, 
 To all the lounging, simp'ring, idle Crew, 
 That yawn and languish still for something new, 
 Or ga^e, like Oysters, in the Tide of Time, 5 
 
 For what it brings, the Author sends his Rhyme. 
 Think not, dear Ladies, think not, gentle Squires, 
 That malice prompts him, or resentment fires ; 
 Nor, while he paints, by wand'ring Fancy led, 
 Apply the Cap to any private Head ; 10 
 
 Like wise L'lysses he for knowledge strayed, 
 And various Scenes and Characters survey'd. 
 Tho' living forms imagination warm, 
 Beshrew my heart if I intend you harm! 
 I seize the Harp, I call the ready Muse, 15 
 
 What Bard a Thejne so tempting could refuse ? 
 What Knights and Sages, from Britannia borne, 
 What peerless Dames a Russell's Court adorn! 
 D
 
 2S THE AMAZON I AD; OR, 
 
 Auspicious days await this happy Land. 
 
 See the Green Cloth forgotten veates expand.* 20 
 
 On Castle Guard, to chear the Captain's toil, 
 
 And light each Ensign's features, with a smile. 
 
 While courteous Knights I consecrate to fame 
 
 And sing the triumphs of each courtly Dame. 
 
 Dear to the sovereign of the tuneful niue,f 25 
 
 His sapient ear, may letter'd Y 5 incline. 
 
 Could my poor Muse, like thee, O ! Y 5 indite 
 
 At once prescriptions and addresses write, 
 I should not then, thro' many a street and lane, 
 With strolling .minstrels pour an abject strain : 30 
 My song might hope to reach a viceroy's ear, 
 Smooth % chaplains sing, and future bishops hear. 
 
 Illustrious citizen of Bedford town, 
 Grac'd with square cap, and aldermanic gown, 
 In solemn token of thy twofold station, 35 
 
 High plac'd in Pwan's hall, and corporation : 
 Oh, could he light, like F- -ns, his visage up, 
 And tinge his features in a double cup ; 
 
 * The Board of Green Cloth, which has been long disused, 
 was restored. 
 
 f Apollo, God of physic as well as of poetry. 
 
 I I mean no accusation here against their manhood.
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 29 
 
 Or could he boast eternal bloom like V---e, 
 For thee the poet to the pipe should dance. * 40 
 Mean time from us, indulgent sage, receive' 
 Such humble honours as the land may give : 
 Thrice welcome from the joys that Bedford yields; 
 To deep potations and potatoe fields: 
 Thrice welcome, to the land of drizzling fogs, 
 Bulls, blunders, Galiltzans, and mad dogs. 40 
 
 Oh pious soul, in meek submission, he 
 Bows to high heaven's omnipotent decree : f 
 Oh say, what station shall his wand'rings close ? 
 In what snug corner shall his age repose ? 50 
 Whether his talents Providence may call,. 
 To shine the ranger of Lock Hospital ; 
 
 Let not the author be misunderstood He means nd' 
 unclean allusion to the professional pursuits and application* 
 of the Doctor, as though the poet of his praise should be put 
 in sudden motion by the operation of a C*----r Pipe J 
 that would be a silly, preposterous, unsavoury and misplaced 
 joke, a joke a posteriori minus apt us acutis naribui bontm bominum. 
 
 f " With submissive resignation to the sovereign comp- 
 " troller of events," could the pious M say more when 
 he was appointed at last to the twice promised and long ex- 
 pected Bishopric ? I am happy at having an opportunity of 
 congratulacing this evangelic character, on the reward of his 
 patience and long suffering, 
 
 D 2
 
 30 THE AMAZOKIAD; Oil, 
 
 Or make him taster of Vaccine infection, 
 
 Or president of Digital' collection.* 
 
 For thee the College honours due prepare, 55 
 
 Install thee high in their professor's chair ; 
 
 Diplomas they m pill-boxes bestow, 
 
 And hemlock garlands wreath, to crown thy brow. 
 
 For thee, they meditate such civic featt, |- 
 
 As sons of Peean only can digest : 60 
 
 For thee, with castor-oil, their sallads brew, 
 
 With asafoetida enrich the stew : 
 
 With manna, squills, they mix nectarious hoard; 
 
 And draughts of ether circle round the board. 
 
 For thee, mephitic gas in clouds shall roll, 65 
 
 And vital air shall impregnate the bowl : 
 
 For thee - but turn my muse, recount the fray, 
 
 The ladies chide thee for thy long delay. 
 
 * Gathering Digiralis or Fox glove The apothecaries of 
 D.tblin assemble for the purpo-e, at a certain time of the year, 
 and repair to a pass in the mountains called the Scalp, where 
 the plant is found. 
 
 f As there was a great round of cabinet dinner?, on a 
 certain late change, to drink success to the new adminis- 
 tration, so, there was a great round of medical, surgical, and 
 aporhecarial dinners, to welcome the Doctor to Ireland, and 
 drink a feverish spring, a sickly summer, and aguish autumn, pia 
 vota ! they had all the good things above enumerated, with 
 cnany other dainties prepared according to the London Art of ' 
 Cookery Pharmacopeia Londinensis,
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 31 
 
 n i i 
 
 As the cold north pours forth her barb'rous sons, 
 Vandals, and Alans, Lombards, Goths, and JIuns;* 70 
 Delicious climes invite the savage mind ; 
 They come like locusts, warping. on the wind.- 
 An uncouth deluge o*er the castle spread, 
 A desperate Town Clerk these invaders led : 
 Grocers and cooks were there, a rabble rout, 75 
 
 With sturdy vintners, as their liquor stout; 
 There fierce attornies struck with wild affright 
 The peer insolvent and the bankrupt knight ; 
 For Castle suppers they so keen were set, 
 Ev'n cutlers came, their appetite to whet. f 80 
 
 Not more tumultuous take their noisy way 
 Voters to hustings, on election day. 
 With greater rage the Poddle never rose, 
 With filth and foam redundant as it goes, 
 
 # " A multitude like which the populous north 
 
 * Poured never from her frozen loins, to pass 
 
 *' Rbene or the Dana-w, when her barbarous sons 
 
 *< Came like a deluge on the south, and spread 
 
 t* Beneath Gibraltar to the Lybian sands." Miltok. 
 
 f Sir Cbarlts Vernon blunted the edge of their appetite, 
 not with a billet doux, but billet amer, or lettre de cacbet, appris- 
 ing them that at the Castle they would be considered as per- 
 sons of an agreeable absence Anglice, th;ir room would b- 
 roore pleasing than their company. 
 
 D I
 
 32 THE AMAZONIAD; OR, 
 
 O'er-spread the kitchens with impetuous sway, 85 
 And swept the cates and delicates away. 
 The Castle dames in tender accents moan'd, 
 The Castle chaplains in the spirit groaned. 
 
 Then bold Sir C s was roused with holy zeal, 
 
 The wounded honour of the state to feel ; 90 
 
 Sir C 5, distinguished for equestrian feat, 
 
 From horsemanship yet aching in his seat ; 
 
 For there had Y s hi3 healing hand apply'd, 
 
 ^nd loss of skin, diachylon supply'd * 
 Not greater zeal the christian knight intlam'd 95 
 4it Acre, when the Carsican he tam'd. 
 Th' enchanted spear he seized with puissant hand, 
 And drove th' unhallow'd crew from holy land. 
 
 . Yet undistinguishing his fury chas'd f 
 
 Some that ev'n regal drawing-rooms had grac'd. 100 
 
 Merchants themselves are chac'i. incongruous 
 
 thought, 
 From scenes where thousands have been sold and 
 
 bought. 
 
 * The Dutchess insisted that Sir C should* attend her 
 on horse-back on an excursion. He remonstrated, and de- 
 flared on the faith of a true knight, he had never rode in his 
 
 life. Her Grace answered, it was time he should begin. 
 
 No excuse would be admitted. He was set on a fierr 
 charger. But this adventure deserves a separate poem. 
 
 + '* Who can be wise, amazed, temperate, and furious, loyal, 
 " and neutral in a moment? No man." Shakespeab*.
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 33 
 
 i l l i lM i ' ' I 
 
 Alas, Sir John, * how tears my utterance drown ! 
 Accomplish 'd Scriv'ner, is thy worth unknown? 
 Art thou exeluded ? let the Viceroy look, 105 
 Mark thine establishment, thy Gallic cook. 
 
 Tis piteous, Oh ! thee G th f I bewail. 
 
 Are brilliant buckles then of no avail ? 
 
 Thy mein so sweet, demeanour so polite, 
 
 Thy wig so flaxen, and thy face so white! 110 
 
 Press and address like thine might well comport 
 
 With silken circles in the crowded court. 
 
 IVn F rt^ was ^rejected, forin'd by fate, 
 
 A Tuscan column to sustain Hie state ; 
 
 * This is a just anticipation, generally adopted, and in- 
 dicatory of the pu. lie sense of this accomplished and polite 
 attorney's high deserts and pretensions. He i not yet 
 knighted, but he has long been the companion of the 
 great and noble. He is truly a consequential man. The 
 term scrivener seems to have been admitted for the sake 
 of the rhyme, not in contempt of this most important 
 attorney. 
 
 f A Belle Esprit of an. uncommon ease and elegance in his 
 manners. He had fair pretensions to be received at the 
 Castle by prescription, as he was formerly a member of the 
 J, ah Parliament and must have dined at the alphabet 
 dinners. 
 
 \ The admirable Creighton of the Attorney's Corps. I have 
 seen him preside at a court martial with real dignity.
 
 34- THE AMA20XIAD; OR, 
 
 Strange versatility, in one combin'd, 1 15 
 
 Th' attorney's pen is with a laurel twin 'd ! 
 He bids discordant aims in- one agree, 
 Captain, philosopher, and agent he : 
 Now great tactician marches to the Park, 
 Now, like Sir Isaac, solves some problem dark, 120 
 Now lifts his eye to count the starry host, 
 Now pores discreetly on a bill of cost : 
 The range of science there his cares enlarge, 
 He swells the catalogue, augments the charge. 
 
 This feat atchiev'd, loud Io Peon sound, 1 25 
 Trophies are rais'd, the vaulted roofs rebound : 
 And while the victors revell'd in delight, 
 A galaxy of lamps emblaz'd-the night. 
 In solemn pomp, their triumphs to declare, 
 Row, for the theatre the crowd prepare. 130 
 Say, Muse, their names then known, who first, who 
 
 last, 
 To Crow-Street, with the Castle Spectre past.* 
 
 The Secretary ii considered as the domestic genius, the 
 Lar or household God of the Cattle, therefore, the crowd 
 is with peculiar propriety made ta follow him, particularly 
 as there was a great dtmand for places at this juncture.
 
 ncURE AND FASHION. 35 
 
 I . I ! I III ^ 
 
 He, as expectants various fates impel!, 
 
 Brings with him " airs from heav'n and blasts from 
 
 hell." 
 Pale tho' he glares, yet him you never meet 135 
 Burst from his cercmentt in a winding sheet. 
 Nor yet with saucer eye the crowd -he daunts, 
 In silks and sattins drawing-rooms he haunts. 
 His wardrobe lilac velvets can afford,. 
 The star-bright buttons, and the studded sword; 140 
 Far other weeds than deck the shadowy host, 
 Or furnish out the toilet of a Ghost : 
 With plumage nodding, and' with fans display'd,, 
 The gay seducer led the cavalcade. 
 When thro' the streets his riaiiy waik he takes, 145 
 Each female heart with- tender- tumult akes, 
 The Balconies are throng'd with fond delight, 
 Aud ladies call the youth the pavement knight.* 
 
 * I need not dwell on the character here introduced, not 
 to know him would argue my Reader unknown, no vi-itan: 
 at the Castle, no inmate of polite houses Rut if this poem 
 tho Id fall into the hands of the vulgar and ignorant, con- 
 trary to my intentions, I will condescend to refer them for 
 further information to a publication, called Familiar Efistlet, 
 aud ascribed to one hundred different authors.
 
 36 THE AMAZONIAD; OR, 
 
 Full in the van Sir C- r appears, 
 
 A coat of blazon on his back he bears. * 150 ? 
 
 Then came Sir C -, by nature form'd in-sport> 
 
 The harmless Zany of a merry court. 
 O heav'n-taught chamberlain, so born and bred, 
 With grace to light the ladies up to bed ; f 
 To see their secrets with no tell-tale eye ; 155 
 
 Lay on their rouge, and their cosmetics buy : 
 Some forty birth-days added let him see, 
 
 And what PolorJtts was, shall V - - be. 
 
 Kext good Sir (?-----, ordained Sir C 'said, 
 
 In doing nothing, (as by Teag,ue 'tis said). loO 
 
 In second childhood, of a green old age, 
 In years like Nestor^, but not finite as sage.- 
 
 * Ulster King at Arms, a necessary person on this occasion 
 ro marshal the triumphal procession, to proclaim the vic- 
 tory over the Gotbs and VandaU s and to declare war with 
 them according to the terms and stipulations of the red and 
 
 black Hits and Joyeuse Entree of the Castle. Sir C keeps 
 
 his shop of honours and College of arms in the house formerly 
 occupied by Mrs. Mayne, better known by the name of Sally 
 M'Laim. 
 
 f The term Grace here most happily admits of a double 
 sense to denote not only the elegance of manner, but the 
 purity of intention, with which this carpet knight, dubb'd 
 with un-hack'd rapier, performs his various and confidential 
 carnival functions.
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 37 
 
 He, shallow as the babbling * brook enjoys 
 His own anility of ceaseless noise. 
 
 There H f was found, from the seraglio drawn 
 
 By love of Novelty and love of Lawn. 166 
 
 No fairer youth the Boxphorus survey'd, 
 
 No fairer youth with Saint Sophia stray'd ; 
 
 Soft was his speech, seducing were his airs, 
 
 Most meet for bedchambers or state affairs. 170 
 
 His predecessor was no vulgar Scot, 
 
 Called from the Castle to a fairer lot, 
 
 With thrifty grace the lawn unstain'd to keep, 
 
 Saint Peter fed, but L shears his sheep. 
 
 Cares truly pastoral his mind employ, 175 
 
 Fines to demand and tenants to destroy ; 
 To plant potatoes, watch and ward maintain ; 
 For sleep is murder'd thro' the fair domain: 
 Should midnight prowlers sacrilege commit, 
 With bell and book he'll send them to the pit. 180 
 
 So Grey in his Elegy " 
 
 " Hi-, listless length at noon tide would he stretch, 
 M And pore upon the brook that babbies b}." 
 f Commentators conjecf" that this passage is descriptive 
 f a young Abbe of fair hnre-, who had formerly a situation 
 in the Embassy to Comiantinople. Qiiere Whether lamm 
 here mean lawn Sbiftt or lav-n Sltruu? Perhaps the young 
 gemnian may make a shift to combine them.
 
 38 THE AMAZONIAD; Oil, 
 
 "Crosier in hand he stalks the precincts round, 
 And * warriors arm'd protect the hallow 5 d ground. 
 
 C h, entitled by paternal strain, 
 
 To tell th' Exchequer, Ror to tell in vain, 
 Was there, f more proud of Ensign's novel rank,! 
 Than were v he made Director of the Bank. 18'6 
 
 Next M--- - - --- who bewails, with tearful eye, 
 
 That dying Prelates will not wholly die. 
 May'stthou no second disappointment know, 
 But live to bury Livierkk or Raphoei l&Q 
 
 Then might'st thou shine in mitred carriage borne, 
 And grace lawn sleeves, as thee lawn sleeves adorn. 
 
 * That the reader may comprehend this passage, I rmin 
 inform him that on various turnpike gates and ------- posts 
 
 in the "vicinity of Dublin a programma or afflt.be has appeared, 
 denouncig death and destruction to all " who may trespass 
 " on the demesne late the property of Mr. Maber, and now 
 " the residence of the Lord -- - - &c." and apprising them 
 
 that men in arms t e stationed all night in said demesne ! I do 
 not find that other Noblemen and Gentlemen in the County 
 of Dublin are driven to adopt similar measures. 
 
 f There was in former ages, when Pigs were Swine, a 
 certain Sir Henry who had a finger in the Treasury pie.In his 
 accounts was a certain Hiatus valJe dejlendus. 1 would recom- 
 mend the history of the business to Mr. Cobbet. 
 
 \ The rank of Ensign newly bestowed to qualify him to be 
 Aid du Camp. 
 
 ** Si qua Fato aspera rumpas 
 " Tu Marcellue erit."-
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 3!) 
 
 With nose upturn'd and reconnoitring eyes,* 
 Intent to seize our blunders as they rise, 
 The vanity, the stupid admiration, 195 
 
 And aukward flattery, of our foolish nation ;f 
 And food purvey for hourly ridicule, 
 From tones and gestures of each frith fool. 
 Now simp'ring, now with sly sardonic grin, 
 That spoke the movements of contempt within, 200 
 
 Came S F tempting to the view, 
 
 Of Sphynx the features, with an iEthiop's hue. 
 
 A bouncing charmer, fit to deal with man, 
 
 And wrestle fairly on the Spartan plan. 
 
 "With these a bevy of alluring Dames, 
 
 'T would ask a Maro's muse to sing their names. 
 
 Cornets and Chaplains, shallow, pert and vain, 
 
 The living lumber of a Viceroy's train. 
 
 All these and more in state to Crcnv-Street haste, 
 
 The swinish many wonder'd as they past : 
 
 # Omnia raspendens naso adunco, is the motto of thew 
 witty Ladies, who cut and carve the foolish, blundering 
 Irish, at an unmerciful rate. 
 
 | More foolish in nothing than in their indiscriminate 
 Hospitality to Strangers, who laugh at them and their dis- 
 regard of their own country. 
 E
 
 40 T#E AMAZONIADJ OR, 
 
 , im ww w i 
 
 For since the Union to that glorious day,, 
 
 They had not seen a cavalcade so gay ; 
 
 Henchmen, and Pages, Footmen all a-row, 
 
 With gentlemen at large, a goodly show ; 
 
 Coaches and chariots, * gorgeous liveries, 215 
 
 Oh 'twas a sight to rennovate sore eyes. 
 
 That fiction is the soul of Poetry, the honest Author ia 
 the abundance of his love for Truth, must acknowledge, that 
 it is only by poetic licence that he has made Major B. and 
 Sir C. inseparable companions in the Viceregal train. Truth 
 is, let them scent and .essence themselves, as they will, they 
 are in bad odour with the bonny Lass. Sir C. has incurred 
 her incurable displeasure by his pious love of Castle etiquette, 
 and manful resistance -to the dancing propensity of the fair 
 and noble Lady, in defence of ancient ceremonial. She seems 
 to regard him much as Sancbo did the dread Doctor, with his 
 wand, or rather as a kind of male Duenna, stationed to be a 
 restraint on mirth, a damper of pleasures. She looks upon 
 him, as a man of an agreeable absence, whose presence may 
 well be dispensed with at the private parties where mirth and 
 jollity 
 
 " Trip it, as they go, 
 
 " On the light fantastic toe." 
 
 Poor B. poor C. virtuous martyrs to the righteous love of 
 forms. Ye are laid under an interdict no coach allowed to 
 carry you ye are excluded from the private parties, amerced 
 of the joyous suppers, forced to wear livery but to us 
 ** iguh t alia f undo temferet a Lacbrymit?'*
 
 FfGURE AND FASHION. 41 
 
 Now at the Theatre arriv'd, they found 
 In every Box, above, below, around; 
 Beauty and fashion, all was fair and fine,- 
 The muslins flutter and the jewels- shine. 220 
 
 Some of the Names the muses can rehearse, 
 The rest to mem'ry dead, are lost to verse. 
 
 There like horn'd beetle, they spy, 
 
 With- sharp proboscis and with staring eye. 
 Bulky and huge, beside her sate my Lord, 223 
 
 With chops-yet wat'ring from the sumptuous board. 
 Large as some porpoise cast upon the strand, 
 Or Tityus stretching o'er a length of land. 
 A slobbering bib around his neck was dight, 
 Drops to receive, that savoury smells excite. 230 
 
 Behold their hope, the C - too advance, 
 
 With arts of dress; imported new France. 
 
 No youth exists of base or noble race, 
 
 So nice a judge of muslin and of lace. 
 
 No youth a neck-cloth ties withair so smart, 235 
 
 But dear he purchased that important art. 
 
 On Gallic shores a Virtuoso taught, 
 
 The precious secret fifty Pieces bought. 
 
 Her Cards awhile fair M h resigns 
 
 And ancient J from the Austrian lines,* 240 
 
 < Not perpendicular lints they arc not in the General*! 
 W3y but lines military. 
 
 E 2
 
 42 THE AMAZONIAD; OR, 
 
 * 
 
 Known for the triumphs that Cassino brings, 
 
 And fam'd in annals of the four great Kings. 
 
 With air affected, and with soften'd tone, 
 
 She too was there with spirit all her own, 
 
 Who lisps invectives with so mild an air, 250 
 
 The bitter words might seem a lover's prayer : 
 
 Who twice a wife, and yet almost a maid, 
 
 By foolish trust in outward form betray'd ; 
 
 To lose at cards, the memory contrives, 
 
 Of short discomforts matrimony gives. 250 
 
 And buxom , with a jolly grace, 
 
 Beside her sister shows a lion face. 
 
 And homely M- - -n lab'ring to support 
 
 Th' imposing airs that suit a place at Court ; 
 
 To chace the goody from her air and gait 255 
 
 For statesmen's wives should ever keep their state. 
 
 His ancient wardrobe Joseph then reveal'd, 
 For ten Olympiads from the sun conceal'd. 
 Silks, velvets, tabbinets, were all display'd, 
 Points, lace, fringe, embroidery, and brocade. 260 
 All hues that in a bed of tulips glow, 
 And garments more than Monmouth-Street can show. 
 Kaptur'd he gaz'd joy elevates his crest 
 A lively dress he singled from the rest. 
 Pea-green the coat the vest wassaxon blue 265 
 Th sattin small-cloths were of sable hue.
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 43 
 
 
 
 His silken stockings, which had once been white, 
 With golden clocks the gazer's eye delight. 
 His stuccoed head would make a Stoic smile,. 
 Of pins an armoury of curls a pile. 270 
 
 His downy chin the pummice double smooth'd, 
 Precipitate * the pang from creepers sooth'd. 
 But why should I attempt in humble rhymes, 
 To paint the finery of other times ? 
 
 Of H d stem Stuarta there appears, 275 
 
 A noble virgin; of twice twenty years. 
 
 Old R . too that night her cards resigned,- 
 
 Of manners vulgar, but of jolly mind. 
 
 Shef too was there, who left each wond'ring guest, 
 
 To seek Viceregal notice at the feast. 2S0 
 
 * Before the introduction of wigs, (a fashion which hai 
 conduced much to cleanliness) the use of white precipitate wai 
 well known to ladies who were blcsc with fine heads of hair. 
 
 f It is a most delectable story how the company were 
 invited on a long notice, by my Lady J ' ~y how they, 
 all expected a ball and supper, took their measures accord* 
 ingly, and sent off their carriages and servants, desiring them 
 
 to return at three in the morn How Lady J y marched 
 
 off to Lady Van's ball, to see the Ouchess, and left her 
 taro sfose to bow the company out of the house supperlcw 
 as well as he could. 
 
 E 3
 
 44 THE AMAZONIAD; OR, 
 
 The guests indignant saw their hostess fly 
 
 To pick cold bones with Van* and quality : 
 
 Her husband bowing cries, (poor civil man) 
 
 " My lady wife is fled to lady Van." 
 
 The mendicant of peerage there they found, 285 
 
 In snows of age, with youthful vices crown'd, 
 
 Who kept no promise, serv'd no useful end, 
 
 Spent princely fortunes, never had a friend. 
 
 There too, with solid everlasting grin, 
 
 And all the phlegm of Holland, Van was seen,f 290 
 
 A sober youth but haste ! what dire alarms, 
 
 Prelusive sound a symphony for arms. 
 
 High notes of discord, screams of female rage, 
 Lament, and menace, now all ears engage. 
 No trivial causes hostile fury move, 295 
 
 No vulgar combatants their valour prove. 
 Precedence, potent cause, to warfare brings, 
 Ambitious Females, and contending Kings. 
 
 * Commentators are in great doubt who is meant by Van, 
 some think Vanbomrigb, others Vumlttart, some Vanneck, 
 80me Vanhutchell, some Vandeput, &C. &c. 
 
 J- I am in doubt as to the person here meant, perhaps 
 it may mean some wealthy merchanr, or thriving haber- - 
 dasher, perhaps some clerk in a public office, who possesses a 
 comfortable opacity of intellect, and a moderate knowledge 
 of vulgar arithmetic.
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 4 5 
 
 To martial science was Dermiru train'd,* 
 
 She knew how much by vigilance is gained. 300 
 
 Scarce her Videts the doors had open found, 
 
 She came and seized on the disputed ground. 
 
 In books of tactics, and reports she saw 
 
 " Possession makes eleven points of law," 
 
 For conversant was she, with modern entries, 305 
 
 Aud puzzled Lawyers, with black letter ventries. 
 
 Her plumy females in the van appear, 
 
 Her garrison battalions guard the rear. 
 
 The silken general wisely stay'd away, 
 
 But SL-nt his lady to partake the fray ; 310 
 
 No dame like her can shake the guiding rein, 
 
 Or tame the courser on the dusty plain : 
 
 To thee, Dennira, scarce she yields in charms, 
 
 And scarcely yields pre-eminence in arms. 
 
 The beauteous leader, in herself a host, 315 
 
 Sate with her flank supported by a post.f 
 
 It is highly in character that the daughter of an Attorney 
 and the wife of a General should be trained in the science of 
 offence and defence, should know all the value of anticipation, 
 and be ready to seize on every advantage. 
 
 f This was her Point D'Appui, to s; eak in the military 
 ph a*e. Rut quer*-, what post ? a military or an architec- 
 tural post ? a pot in the army, or_a post under government I
 
 46 THE AMAZOMAD. 
 
 In this position waits the storm, and shows 
 
 A countenance imposing to the foes. 
 
 Nor waited long for hostile tongues are heard, 
 
 And. fierce Philothemis in force appear'd. 320 
 
 In ancient days, as 'tis by Homer sung, 
 
 The Trojun Bands came on, with clam'rous tongue. 
 
 Th' assailants war proclaim, in wrathful tones, 
 
 " Where is the Box-keeper ? say where is Jones ? 
 
 " Turn out the bold intruder with disgrace ; 32.5 
 
 " We'll teach the lady to usurp a place." 
 
 Never before such balanc'd forces met, 
 
 For warlike Rubbers so complete a set. 
 
 Nor proud Dennira to the claim will yield, 
 
 Nor will Philothemis resign the field. 330 
 
 The fair each moment in their anger rose, 
 
 Words lead to words, and blows elicit blows. 
 
 The Gods above, tho' far from sight remov'd, 
 
 With shrilly cat calls aid the din they lov'd. 
 
 The powers of discord ruled in frantic mood ; 
 
 And stern Erinnys dipt her torch in blood. 33* 
 
 END OF THE SECOXD CANTO.
 
 THE 
 
 AMAZONIAD; 
 
 OR 
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 
 THIRD CANTO. 
 
 ARGUMENT, 
 
 AUTHOR regrets that the days of Chivalry are no 
 more, and that Ladies are obliged to fight their own 
 battles when questions of Precedence occur. Fight 
 begins Philothemis attempts to pull Dennira/roffi 
 her seat, is foiled in the attempt, throws a bowl of 
 tea in her face Dennira's brave resistance; She 
 drives a half-sucked orange into the mouth of Philo- 
 themis, who returns discomfited Themis observes 
 this, assumes the semblance of a Six-Clerk, and flies 
 to the Four-Courts for reinforcements The names of 
 some who came at the call of Themis The battle 
 renewed Bellona, alarmed for the safety of Dennira, 
 flies to the Barracks and brings the General himself
 
 48 ARGUMENT. 
 
 with a train of IVarriors-^Appearwace of tlie General 
 described- The combat rages with great fuiy Phi- 
 lothemis tfskesoff the General's* wig and tramples it 
 in the dust Dennira seizes Papinian's wig and 
 claps it on the General's head Strange consequence 
 of this manoeuvre Conduct of Papinian on the occa- 
 sion Chace interrupted by a stratagem^ of HeWona. 
 Battle continues Crow-street play-house in danger 
 ef being demolished Distress of the Manager 
 Apollo interested for the Manager Assumes the 
 form of a musical Lord takes his Violin Plays 
 an Adagio Power of Music Peace is restored^- 
 The Curtain rises and the Play begins*
 
 AMAZONIAD; 
 
 OR 
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 
 
 THIRD CANTO. 
 
 o, 
 
 *H might the bard some inspiration share, 
 From him who sung Belinda's ravished hair ! 
 Oh might he borrow Fortcguarri's* verse, 
 And beauty's power and knightly deeds .rehearse ! 
 Or rival him, the banks of Seine along f 5 
 
 Who told of Cleric feuds in lofty song, 
 The fatal Desk, that dire contention bred, 
 What hosts the Prelate and the Chanter led. 
 Attend, fair dames, and, courtly lovers, hear, 
 If martial scenes may captivate the ear. 10 
 
 Oh could the days of chivalry revive, 
 And champions bold to wajring females give ! 
 Then should the knights in listed fields decide 
 Claims of precedence rival beauties' pride 
 
 * Author of R'uciardctto, a mock heroic poem, 
 f The Lutrin of Boileau.
 
 50 THE AMAZONIAD ; OR, 
 
 And all the mighty questions, that perplex 
 
 With burning hearts the soft aspiring sex: 
 
 Bat flow'rs of chivalry no longer bloom ; 
 
 Or flourish only on the silent tomb. 
 
 The courteous knights are vanished from our ken, 
 
 In lounging days we live of little men. 20 
 
 What lady now may boast a courteous knight ? 
 
 What errant champions now for beauty fight ? 
 
 To whom shall dames their wounded pride impart ? 
 
 Who slights avenge, that agonize the heart ? 
 
 Election quarrels, or a cast at dice 25 
 
 Can rouse contending champions in a trice; 
 
 But none, like true-born knights, will take the field 
 
 When injured females must precedence yield. 
 
 Our youths are all of courtesy bereft, 
 
 Our females all to Ggnt their battles left.* 30 
 
 Their snow-white hands the pond'rous lance sustain, 
 
 Their shoes embroider'd tread th' embattl'd plain. 
 
 Yet some exceptions, with delighted mind, 
 
 Ev'n in degen'rate times the muse can find. 
 
 Our females yet exhibit noble rage, 35 
 
 When cards and dice their anxious thoughts engage. 
 
 * Ariosto'O gran bonta tie cavalier! antiche.
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION'. 51 
 
 ^ ^ i 
 
 But haste we onwards. In my former lay, 
 
 The rival dames commenc'd their cruel fray. 
 
 This canto brings their combat to a close. 
 
 Then let my weary Pegasus repose. 40 
 
 Pretensions high inflam'd each haughty mind ; 
 
 Thrice with Dennira had the Duchess dined ; 
 
 Philothcmis recounts her noble race, 
 
 Her husband's merits and exalted place. 
 
 In force so match'd were never heroines yet, 45 
 
 Since Brudamante and Marfisa met. 
 
 The Box-keepers aghast their fury view, 
 
 Then wisely cautious from the fight withdrew. 
 
 Three times Philothemis renew'd th' attack, 
 
 As oft Dcnniru's legion drove her back. 50 
 
 But wounded honour so the fair sustain'd, 
 
 She pierc'd the lines, the leader's station gain'd. 
 
 And thrice she strove to pull her from her seat, 
 
 But ev'n to raise her was no trifling feat. 
 
 Endow'd with strength and weight her place to 
 
 hold, 5 5 
 
 The dame was cast in nature's solid mold. 
 So, when contending parties vex a nation, 
 Sits firmly fix'd some broad administration.* 
 
 * There are some vile, vulgar words adopted in modern 
 politics Budget and Broad-bottomed administration ifr/i^f/ is 
 
 F
 
 52 THE AMAZONIAD; OR, 
 
 Panting she paus'd, and cast around her eyes, 
 
 A waiter with a bowl of tea she spies, 60 
 
 Fragrant the tepid steam arose, and bland ; 
 
 She caught the bev'rage from the bearer's hand ; 
 
 Full in Dennira's face the bowl she threw, 
 
 The tea meand'ring down her bosom flew. 
 
 On the smooth orbs the milky currents glide ; 63 
 
 Thus thaws bedew the snow-crowned hillock's side. 
 
 So, when her ample breast a wet-nurse shows, 
 
 The milk spontaneous from the nipple flows, 
 
 The spouting streams confess the source within, 
 
 And balmy currents irrigate her skin. 70 
 
 Lest pointed fragments should offend the fair, 
 
 The bowl of china was, by Venus' care, 
 
 borroweJ from the avocation of a tinker: It supposes the 
 minister to be an itinerant hireling, who deals in the basest 
 metal, proposes more than he can do, and undertakes to stop 
 the chinks and cracks of the leaky state, ruinous and rusty at 
 an old kettle. Broad bottomed administration is a vile phrase, 
 it is meant to express an administration of weight, pon- 
 der e 6xa iuo i but it may be turned to denote one that 
 shews its a , according to the passage in Shakspeare (Measure 
 for Measure) " En. What's your name, master Tapster ? 
 p om . Pompey. Esc. What else ? Pom. Bum, sir. Esc. 
 " Troth and your bum is the greatest thing about you, so 
 * that in the beastliest sense, you are Pompey the great." No 
 bad description of a broad- bottomed administration.
 
 FfGURE AND FASHION. 53 
 
 So guided, that it lodged upon her breast,* 
 And, as a shield, that orb of beauty prest. 
 Adorn'd and guarded see the fair appear, 75 
 
 Thus eastern dancers bosom-cases wear. 
 Astonish'd, not dismay'd, Dennira stood, 
 And soon she dried away the milky flood. 
 Sternly she frown'd, as when with rage possest, 
 She drove unbidden youngsters from the feast. f 80 
 The foe came open-mouthed with rage impell'd ; 
 An half-sucked orange as Dennira held, 
 Large as a cannon ball, not quite so hard ; 
 With stedfast courage and with sharp regard, 
 
 * The reader will find a very luxurious description of the 
 dancing girls in Abbe RaynaVs book. The good Abbe some- 
 times indulged himself, like his brother philosopher Darwin, 
 in a strain of grave philosophical pruriency. He is truly 
 eloquent on the subject of those bosom cases. 
 
 f Alluding to a curious story of Dennira 1 ! ejecting certain 
 beaus from a party at a late entertainment given by her tot 
 their Excellencies, she went up to two Gentlemen, (one a Mr. 
 C - - - n, the name of the other I have forgot) and expressed 
 her surprise, how Gentlemen would come uninvited : they 
 asserted they got Tickets ; she said she wrote all the Tickets 
 herself and sent them, and that they were not of the number. 
 The Gentlemen retired, and enclosed their Tickets the follow- 
 ing day to her Ladyship, when she recollected she gave sir 
 
 Tickets to Sir C - V - , for his friends, and 
 
 supposed these two were of th number. 
 F 2
 
 54- THE AMAZON IAD; OR, 
 
 She marked the vantage, her artillery ply'd ; 85 
 
 There, where the portals of her face stood wide, 
 
 Forceful she drove her instrument of death,* 
 
 And stopt at once her triumph and her breath. 
 
 Sputt'ring she fell, the Tipstaffs came in aid, 
 
 Sped their commission, and the fair convey'd 90 
 
 To safe retreat, with small remains of life ; 
 
 Then all her partizans desert the strife. 
 
 And now Dennira had the triumph gain'd, 
 
 And firm possession of the box retain'd : 
 
 But Themis sorrowing, mark'd her fav'rite's fate, 95 
 
 And new^assailants join the fierce debate. 
 
 Drest like a Six-clerk to the Courts she flew, 
 
 And summoned to the fight a motley crew. 
 
 Masters, and- barristers, attorneis came, 
 
 With meek solicitors, an humble name ; 100 
 
 Some flaunt in silks, and some in tatter'd rags; 
 
 Some were slight armed, and some with loaded bags* 
 
 Ev'n ermin'd sages came to join the fray, 
 
 Who spread her rule with delegated sway. 
 
 * Instrument of death. Let not this expression be thought 
 hyperbolical, when applied to an Orange. We are told that 
 Anacreon was choaked by a much smaller substance, a grape 
 stone. The Poet has very properly adapted the weapons with 
 which his Ladies fought to the delicacy of the female frame.
 
 PIG UK E AND FASHION. 55 
 
 Like the stout swimmer, puffing thro' the hall,105 
 The noble * Eolist obeys her call, 
 And as he vented forth each spell of wind, 
 He gave a piece and parcel of his mind. 
 
 Next smooth , sly and sneering still, 
 
 Came, more for love of mischief than good will. 1 10 
 
 He cared not who might victory obtain, 
 
 And only wish'd that he himself should gain. 
 
 An Elephant in size, without dispute, 
 
 And ev'n in sense, a wise, half-reasoning brute, |* 
 
 Came solemn * * * *'s gigantic form and vast : 115 
 
 The very pavement labour'd as he past. 
 
 Then G , in simple, plain exterior join'd 
 
 With sordid cunning of a vulgar mind : 
 
 Mild as the north wind, civil as the bear, 
 
 Half injudicial robes was Wormwood there. 120 
 
 "With surly pride his downcast eye-ball scowl, 
 
 In deep long notes he does not speak, but growl ; 
 
 Oh may he soon be placed at N '* side 
 
 And all his sweetness to his ear coniide. 
 
 * Eollsts, a ?ect of ancient philosophers, who dealt much in 
 puffing and ventosity. See Swift's Essay on the mechanical 
 peration of the spirit. 
 
 f So Po/ff " Half-reasonir'g Elephant.-'',
 
 56 THE AMAZONIAD ; OR, 
 
 Among the foremost, summoned by the dame ; 125 
 
 The bellowing B , for ever forward, came. 
 
 Is'ot him I -mean in equity profound, 
 
 But him more frequently in Green-street found. 
 
 Of Macs a pair I mark'd among the croud, 
 
 Elate in hope, of courtly favour proud. 130 
 
 At Levee too I mark'd them in the press, 
 
 With gay pretensions, splendid as their dress. 
 
 Oh just pretensions, happy is the wight, 
 
 That Princes can approach, or Farces write ! 
 
 Grim as a collier, with precursive roar, 135 
 
 Foaming and sweating like a hunted boar, 
 
 Axungia * came, and B was in his wake, 
 
 Ye reeking warm his vacant chair to take.f 
 
 There shall he shine another and the same, 
 
 With equal dignity and equal fame. 140 
 
 A dingy mist ascended as he went, 
 
 With flagging wings the breeze received the scent, 
 
 The ducklings quak'd, the sky was overcast, 
 
 The weather-glasses fell where'er he past. 
 
 He too was there, who double worth display'd, 145 
 
 In Chanc'ry solemn, martial on parade, 
 
 * Hogs-lard, or the grease of a Cartwheel it may be ap- 
 plied, to signify any thick black, gross, fetid, unctiuoui 
 substance. 
 
 f Alludes to some projected or rumoured judicial arrange- 
 ments in the Island of Barataria.
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 51 
 
 By Corney singled from th' aspiring bar, 
 And master named for mastery in war. 
 
 With scowling brow pedantic goes, 
 
 Hibernian Gairet, fam'd for length of nose. 150 
 Sober and prim as any ancient maid, 
 
 The thrifty marches to their aid. 
 
 They claim his presence in a double right, 
 
 Master by day, Policeman in the night. 
 
 Such promptitude must win Papinian's grace, 1 55 
 
 Too long repugnant to the sale of place.* 
 
 With cuffs of scarlet and with coat of blue, 
 
 Then prating M - f waddled with the crew'; 
 
 " Silence and order/' D full oft exclaim'd, 
 
 But his and N 's tongues would not be tam'd ; 
 
 Ambitious stationer, on objects high 161 
 
 Of twofold kind he squints with leering eye ; 
 To conservator's chair at once he looks, 
 
 And pompous A 's shop and gilded books, 
 
 High-minded man, who scarce a nod affords 165 
 To commoners, and keeps his bow for lords. 
 
 * I believe we should read plaice here, in allusion to some 
 bscure story about Fishmonger's contracts. 
 
 + He was peculiarly fit for the ranks of Titmh, both as 
 having a shop in the Four Courts, and being a conservator.
 
 58 THE AMAZONIAD; 01, 
 
 With judgment like his voice both strong and clear, 
 
 Papinian takes his station in the rear; 
 
 The post of danger wisely he declined, 
 
 Good generals still in safety should we find. 170 
 
 All these and countless more to Crow-street throng, 
 
 Old Liffej/ wonders as they march along. 
 
 Dennira needed, to resist the crowd, 
 All strength and courage that her stars allow'd ; 
 But heav'n, that always makes the brave its care, 
 Brought new assistance to sustain the fair. 176 
 Bello?ia mark'd the foe's approach from far, 
 And sought the General to support the war ; 
 Her the slow cart-horse, and the scarlet cloak, 
 A private trooper of the guards bespoke.* 180- 
 She trotted slowly, 'twas her swiftest rate, 
 And timely enter'd at the Barrack gate. 
 She called as shrill as cock announcing morn, 
 She called as loud as loudest bugle-horn. 
 " Turn out the picket, f and to Crow-street haste." 
 She added not, but to Kihnainham past, 186 
 
 * The Dragoon Guards or Green Horse. 
 
 f The Picket guard, which is always ready against caset 
 of emergency.
 
 FIGURE AND FASHION. 59 
 
 The seat of war, and piety of yore,* 
 
 The Templar's cross when streaming banners bore ; 
 
 Now invalids their frugal porridge eat, 
 
 While gay Dennira spreads the sumptuous treat. 19 
 
 The general in the surgeon's hands she found, 
 
 On either shin appear'd a dcsp'rate wound ;\ 
 
 While R y, a Machaon in his art, 
 
 With fomentations sooth'd th' offended part: 
 The scars of honour on his front appear, 195- 
 Tho' foil'd in fight with ambush'd tubs of beer.^ 
 So, when Achilles war with Xanthus wag'd, 
 The splashing fight in foaming liquor rag'd. 
 His wig uncurled with amber current swims, 
 A petticoat invests his mighty limbs ; 200 
 
 His small -cloaths in the conflict wet and torn, 
 Left his posteriors naked and forlorn. 
 
 * KUmainbam, now an hospital for invalids, and also the? 
 residence of some general officer, was formerly a commandcry 
 of the Knights of St. John of Jerusalem. 
 
 A famous army surgeon and member of the medical 
 board and hospital staff, in the time of the Trojan war. Sec 
 Gazette d'Homcre. 
 
 \ This alludes to an incident which actually took place at 
 Mrs. Peter''t collation. The worthy General fell over some 
 tubs of beer or porter and spoiled hia uniform, particularly 
 his small- cloaths.
 
 60 THE am.azoniad; or, 
 
 "f - " " "'"" I BBf 
 
 In vain for galligaskins might he call, 
 
 Thy breeches, Peter, were by half too. small. 
 
 That good Petrina, gentle as she's fair, 205 
 
 Wears not the breeches, let the muse declare. 
 
 An highlander you might the Gen'ral vote, 
 
 But dimity compos'd his petticoat. 
 
 Far happier function it perform'd of old, 
 
 Petrina's beauteous members to enfold ; 210 
 
 Nosv it conceals, puff'd out in high relief, 
 
 The great posteriors * of the valiant chief. 
 
 " Gen'ral arise, for this important now, 
 
 " Is fraught with ornaments to crown thy brow ;f 
 
 " To Craw-street haste, where laurels may be found ; 
 
 " And desp'rate foes thy better half surround." 
 
 Soon as the Goddess pour'd upon his ear 217 
 The dangers that await his dearest dear, 
 He stays not to prepare his good grey steed ; 
 (For soldiers double ride, in case of need,) 220 
 
 Some copies read, " anterior," Baudius Arsenivt prefers it, 
 and it is sanctioned by the Toledo manuscript ; I shoul i there- 
 fore be inclined to let it stand in the text. 
 
 f " Ornaments to crown thy brow" That w^s cal ulated 
 to excite a variety of ideas, and applied equally to hip hopes 
 of honour and his fears of disgrace. The abruptness of the 
 address has great energy and spirit.
 
 riGURE AM) FASHION. 61 
 
 On her alohe his whole attention dwelt, 
 His trim forgotten and his wounds unfelt : 
 Behind Bdlona on the crupper plac'd, 
 In martial mood this pair to Crovj-strcct pae'd. 
 Nor helm, nor hawberk, nor the shining brand 
 The warrior took a truncheon arm'd his hand. 226 
 Thus, when AlbYacea'.s * beauteous maid they sought, 
 One steed with I'enuu, Rinaldo brought. 
 
 Now might the hostile troops each other vievr, 
 And mutual rancour at the prospect grew. 230 
 A pass from Croiv-street leads to Taitple-bav, 
 There light and heavy bauds commence the war; 
 Unguarded this Paptnian hop'd to find, 
 No 'vantage ever scapM his wary mind ; f 
 A soldier old, in senate and in field, 235 
 
 Well practis'd when to strike, and when to yield. 
 At this eventful time the Gen'ral came ; 
 His presence fill'd his troops with warlike flame : 
 
 * Angelica, the daughter of Galafron See Orlando Furios*. 
 Book the fir.it. 
 
 " Non lascie a piedi il buon figluiol J^Amone, 
 " Con prieghi invita, & al fin toglie in groppa, 
 " Eper l'Orme a* Angelica galoppa.'* 
 
 f- Questo Brunei si pratico c si astuto.
 
 62 THE AMAZONIAD ; OR, 
 
 Against Papinian as he spurr'd his horse, 
 The pavement trembled with his solid course, 210 
 The mud of Temple-bar a vortex rose, 
 Then fell in sable torrents on his foes, 
 Papinian stepp'd aside, and 'scap'd unhurt, 
 
 But fat M was tumbled in the dirt. 
 
 As o'er some steepy bridge of single arch 215 
 The warriors o'er his mountain-belly march. 
 The waiters mark'd him as he groaning lay, 
 And to a chop-house bore the chief away. * 
 
 Now sober D the furious onset stay'd, 
 
 " Order, decorum, gentlemen," he said, f 25 
 " Ev'n in a battle let politeness reign." 
 
 Then N chaunted forth an Orthian strain, 
 
 * Britons strike home" The martial sound imparts 
 Redoubled energy to warlike hearts. 
 
 # Something is here omitted. The author has not ex- 
 pressed himself clearly.. Quere ; for what purpose Mr. 
 
 M was conveyed to the chop-house ? was it to cat, or 
 
 to be eaten ? I suspect the latter. I have heard it whispered, 
 that his Calipash or Calipee were made into Turtle soup. 
 
 f The composed and dignified character of the judge, so 
 fond of order and decorum, so fmi of phlegm on every occa- 
 sion, is well delineated here.
 
 OR, FIGURE AND FASHION. 63 
 
 Dire was the fight with re-percussive shocks,255 
 < 
 Shoving and thrusting, furious blows and knocks. 
 
 The Deities among the crowd appear ; 
 
 There Thanis urg'd the fight, Bellona here. 
 
 But Themis ever should resistless sway ; 
 
 Her bands to Croustreet cut their furious way.2Gt 
 
 In lobby and in box was fight renew'd, 
 
 Porter and blood the valiant hands embrew'd. 
 
 Tea, coffee, negus, on the ground were spilt ; 
 
 And warriors sunk, not wholly dead, but kilt.* 
 
 Unarm'd and naked fly the female bands ; 265 
 
 The men pursue them, with rapacious hands. 
 
 We read in chronicles of ancient fame, 
 
 To Roman plays when Sabine ladies came, 
 
 On trembling dames impetuous warriors flew, 
 
 And every Roman blade his rapier drew. 270 
 
 Oaths, shrieks, screams, scolding, groans, are heard 
 
 afar, 
 
 The house presents a dreadful form of war,f 
 
 An Hibernicism. The combatants were not killed dead; 
 but destined to live a little longer, more Hibcrnorum. 
 
 . Crudelis ubique, 
 
 " Luctus, ubique pavor, & plurima mortis 
 
 Imago." Virgil. 
 
 f Fiat justitia, mat caelum, 
 G
 
 4 THE AMAZONIAD; 
 
 Scratch'd faces, bloody noses, and crack'd crowns, 
 Tom waistcoats, tatter'd kerchiefs, wigs and gowns. 
 Such beauteous wigs as Grecian ladies drest,275 
 Such curls as fiow'd o'er Agrippina's breast ; 
 Muffs, tippets, ruffs, and pads are scatter'd round; 
 Divorces, * purgatories, strew the ground ; 
 Beads, bugles, tassels, ribbands, fringes, lace, 
 Pennaches, turbans, hats are scatter'd through the 
 jalace. 280 
 
 With eyes of jet beneath an ebon brow, 
 And locks, that vied in blackness with the crow, 
 Long in alliance with Dennira tied, 
 A lively Amazon was at her side ; 
 Whose hue tho' dark might shame the fairest fair ; 
 Her form was elegance and grace her air : 28fr 
 
 In mystic rites of Cl e a priestess fam'd, 
 Her so v 'reign sway ferocious care had tam'd ; 
 
 * Divorces, so called in the nomenclature of female dress, 
 re certain articles or instruments, stiffened with iron and steel, 
 vhich are applied to the Ladies breasts, to give them a proper 
 degree of consistency and projection, by preventing their 
 collapsing, or coming too closely in contact with each other. 
 The Purgatory is a part of female dress, worn lower down. 
 Various conjectures may be formed as to the origin of the 
 name.
 
 OR, FIGURE AND FASHION ; 69 
 
 The soul of frolic, form'd in all to please ; 
 She curs'd, she swore, she gam'd, she drank, with 
 ease. 29 CT 
 
 The Heroine shone conspicuous in the van ; 
 For never had she tura'd her back to man. 
 In ev'ry glance pernicious lightning flew, 
 And kill'd the victim that her arm o'erthrew : 
 The pride of warriors to the ground she cast, 295' 
 Then spurn'd the dead, and to new triumph past. 
 Her fatal march a chief undaunted ey'd, * 
 His crest was haughty and his chest was wide; 
 His ample jowls that red and white display'd, 
 Seem'd for the stalls of some cathedral made ; 300* 
 His mouth was form'd with an expression meet 
 Good things to utter, and good things to eat : 
 More apt he seem'd for Cythtreii's war 
 Than wordy contj^ts of the brawling bar. 
 Serene he rear'd, amid the howling storm, 305 
 His comely visage, and his portly form. 
 His twinkling eyes he roll'd, his smile confest 
 The bosom pregnant with a coming jest. 
 
 * This episode h in the true Homeric spirit. The man* 
 tiers of the heroic ages are well observed in the conversation 
 which takes place in the heat of battle, in the idea of strip- 
 ping the spoils, and in the employments destined for cap- 
 tive ladies. 
 
 G 2
 
 *i<5 THE AMAZONIAD ; 
 
 ^ i i ii 
 
 " Yield hardy fair, (the legal champion cry'd) 
 
 " Thyself my captive, aud thy spoils my pride, 310- 
 
 " Thou shalt in triumph to my tent be led, 
 
 " Preside at breakfast, and partake my bed ; 
 
 " Thy skirt a night-cap on my head be worn : 
 
 " Thy robe,a curtain shall my couch adorn ; 
 
 " Thy Recamier I seize, heroic dame, 3 1 5 
 
 " To hold my briefs a trophy of my fame." 
 
 " Never, by heavens (th* indignant heroine cry'd) 
 
 " This faithful Recamier* shall quit my side j 
 
 ** Or blessed sun while vital air I draw, 
 
 " Shall see me captive to a man of law. 320 
 
 " Have I not met embattled, face to face, 
 
 *' At golden hazard, a superior race ; 
 
 " Youths that would stake, upon a single die, 
 
 " More than whole terms- to such as thou supply. 
 
 " Oh mirthful orgies, never to return ! 325' 
 
 ' Oh chiefs that rest within the silent urn ! 
 
 " Begone, 1 fly to Albion's happy strand, 
 
 " I scorn to rest in this degraded laud." 
 
 She turn'd with sorrowing yet contemptuous mind. 
 
 The chief impetuous seiz'J her fast behind ; 330 
 
 * A part of female dress which has superseded the u e of 
 petticoat', and somewhat resembles a pair of small cloaths. 
 It i u ually made of some very elastic materials.
 
 OR, FIGURE AND FASHION. 67 
 
 The lady and her spoils he deem'd his prize, 
 But light as air she disembody'd flies ; 
 Nor stay 'd her course on Erin's- hated plains 
 While her rear-admiral * the foe detains. 
 Not Phcebus felt more sorrow or amaze, 335 
 
 When, Daphne lost, he fill'd his hand with bays. 
 
 As in the van the doughty Gen'ral stood, 
 Philothemis beheld in wrathful mood ; 
 She springs like light'ning to the foremost rank, 
 She smote his brows with steaming porter dank; 
 Then from his head the dripping wig she tore 
 And stamp'd contemptuous on the dusty floor; 312 
 And were it laurel it had been the same, 
 So full of fury was the warlike dame : 
 Frowning he stood with head expos'd and bare ; 
 To guard and grace it was Dcnnira's care. 34-6 
 But whence or how ? Lo where Papinian stands, 
 With waving curls that equity demands ; 
 
 * Also a part of female dress or rather of the embodied 
 female substance j something like it was formerly used under 
 the name of tacnt en del ; it is stationed in the rear, as the 
 term imports. 
 
 G 3
 
 THE AMAZON! AD ^ 
 
 In swift reprisal, on the prey she flies, 
 And crowns her husband with the glorious prize.* 
 Kot with more pride did chief of ancient Rome 
 In triumph bear the opima spolia home 3o'2 
 
 Than did the Gen'ral. As he past the crowd, 
 The tipstaffs to the wig official bow'd ; 
 The mace the wig omnipotent obey'd ;. 35* 
 
 The purse before him was in state display'd : 
 The lawyers made obeisance as he went ; 
 Tli' attornies all in adoration bent. 
 Tis not the man that can attention call; 
 Symbols of pow'r, be sure, are all in all. 360 1 
 '1 he crown, the sceptre, and the purple robe, 
 Will veneration claim around the globe. 
 Who cassoc short and sleeve of cambric wears, f 
 In God right reverend to the crowd appears. 
 
 * Let not the malicious reader take an improper meaning 
 from this Hue, as if the fair Dennira ever thought of adorning 
 or fortifying the brows of her husband in a manner contrary 
 to the Articles of War, with Hornworks, Halfmoons or the 
 like, introduced by French engineers. 
 
 f The habiliments of Episcopacy.
 
 OR, FIGURE AND FASHION. 69' 
 
 " Hark away, Tally ho"* the stout Papinian cried, 
 All Cron'-street rung and Driay-larte replied. 36f> 
 From ev'ry avenue the footmen bawl, 
 And orange- wenches /scream from ev'ry stall; 
 The butchers dogs are heard with open throat, 
 And curs and turnspits join their treble note ; 370 
 Carmen ami porters, to partake the sport, 
 Mount their gall'd jades and gallop to the court. 
 The barristers and agents join the race ; 
 Such hunting ne'er was seen since Chtry Chace. 
 Pupiniun\ found his trusty hunter nigh, 375 
 
 He led the jolly train with potent cry. 
 O'er squeaking beldams in their haste they rode, 
 On sprawling pigs the fiery courser trode; 
 They splash'd, they dash'd, with frantic fear possest, 
 The mothers snatch'd their infants to the breast. ;j 
 
 Thi- is highly in character. Papinian, who is a mighty 
 hunter Ik fore the Lord, has a view hollow of his wig brtak- 
 ng cover, and very properly pursues it in a grand style, as is 
 here described. 
 
 f The going off thus in the middle of the fight was a truly 
 politic stroke; this is what is called backing one's friend; as 
 Falstaff ays. This pas-age deserves to be studied, as contain- 
 ing a most excellent and instructive moral lesson. 
 
 \ So Virgil" Et trcpid* matres presserunt ad ubera 
 atoo."
 
 70 THE AMA20NIAD ; 
 
 The wise Bellona to divert the storm, 381 
 
 Drew off the hunters in a badger's form : * 
 Th' attractive scent the sportsmen keen pursue, 
 O'er the green hills, and vanish from the view. 
 The Gen'ral to the courts of justice went, 385 
 For to his brain the wig some crotchets lent. 
 His triumph o'er the foe seem'd incomplete, 
 If to the wig he added not the seat. 
 Some plodding lawyers at their briefs had stay'd, 
 They read, and wondered why the court delay'd ; 
 They made obeisance when the wig they saw, 
 The Gen'ral sate and gave them martial law; 
 Then bade the Master-adjutant report, 392 
 
 And so manctuvred fairly out of court. 
 
 Meantime, without the play-house, and within, 
 The storm of battle raged with frightful din. 396" 
 Tho' many from th' embattled field retir'd, 
 Those who remain'd, with double fury fir'd, 
 Bit, scratch'd, and tore. their shouts spread far and 
 
 wide 
 And what their numbers lost their rage supplied. 
 
 * Observe here a dignus vindice nodus, To make the tri- 
 umph of her favorite complete Bclkna contrive* to draw off 
 
 the huii ten,
 
 OR, FIGURE AND FASHION. 71 
 
 The heat of warring factions to compose, 401 
 The lovely Duchess from her seat arose, 
 With looks ami accents that might welL contronl 
 The wild disorder of a maniac's soul. 
 " Now ken you weel, (the bonny Duchess cries) 
 " These cheels wull mak a muckle din arise. 40ft 
 " What gars them thrang to sic envenom'd fra? 
 Ca' the poleese and let them gang awa ; 
 M Fou sair it makes me greet, 'tis unco strange 
 *' Sae wild disorder thrae the house shad range." 
 
 In vain her Grace this eloquence bestow'd ;41 1 
 Still, still they roar'd, and still the combat glow'd ; 
 And such the furious appetite for fight, 
 The play-house had been sack'd that very night. 
 Had not Apollo heard in gentle tones 415 
 
 The rising orisons of pious Jones. 
 Not with more piety or more despair, 
 To father Jove, Eneas breath'd his prayer,* 
 When Trojan matrons, urg'd by Juno's ire, 
 Op potent stingo, set his ships on fire. 4?o 
 
 In A 's shape the God from heaven descends. 
 
 Athwart his breast the ribband blue extends ; 
 
 # See Eneid, Book jth Line 685. 
 
 " Turn pius JEncas hnmeris obscindere vestem," &<r.
 
 72 THE A1VTAZ0NIAD 
 
 His florid hue and simp'ring face he wore, 
 
 A brisky juvenile, not quite fourscore.* 
 
 He held the fiddle, and the bow he ply'd ; 425 
 
 Like L -h, Mercury was at his side ; 
 
 And sooty Vulcan with a limping pace, 
 Behind them carried an enormous bass. 
 
 Oh power of music ! savage is the breast, 
 That has not concord of sweet sounds confest ! 430 
 " Hush ev'ry breeze" th' immortal fiddler play'd > 
 The din subsided, and the fight was stay'd. 
 A sweet- Adagio to the tune succeeds, 
 A tender strain, that melancholy feeds,- 
 Then, Siciliano, innocent and kind, 43 
 
 To mutual fondness seoth'd the hostile mind. 
 The warriors to the ground their weapons threw. 
 To clasp each other in embrace they flew ; 
 By mutual aid they recompose their hair, 
 And all disorders of their dress repair. 44G 
 
 Those who so late were interchanging blows,. 
 Sate amicable now, in peaceful rows: 
 Discord wa* dumb, and Emulation dead. 
 All contests now, but of politeness fled. 
 
 * Apollo was endowed with perpetual youth, vid. Pantheon,
 
 OR, FIGURE AND FASHION. 73 
 
 ^ ^ ^^ BMBM * 
 
 Phitothemis the box disputed gain'd, 445 
 
 The next Dennira quietly retain'd ; 
 
 And all the rest without a murmur sate 
 
 As Macanally pleas'd, or ruling fate. 
 
 The curtain rose the silence was profound. 
 
 Thus harmony the power of music crown'd.* 450 
 
 * Thus happily ended this great contest for the present ; 
 but as the ladies are so apt to put themselves into heats, I 
 would advise, in order to keep them cool, that to the present 
 refreshments ac the drawing-rooms of the Duchess, such as 
 lemonade, orangeade, and orgeat, ices may be added.
 
 This book is DUE on the last 
 date stamped below. 
 
 lift \ 1959 
 
 ION 
 
 RENEWABLE 
 
 MAY l 
 
 IE2WKS7R0M 
 
 AM RECEIVED 
 
 .UN 2 1994 
 
 REMINGTON RAND INC. 20 
 
 994 
 
 213 (533) 
 
 THE LIBRAK* 
 
 LOS AT^G^LLb
 
 GAYLAMOUNT 
 
 PAMPHLET BINDER 
 
 Manufactured by 
 
 GAYLORD BROS. Ine 
 
 Syracuse, N.Y. 
 
 Stockton, Calif.