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HOOK. 47 PAUL CLIFFORD. 5s BULWER. 48 THE YOUNGER SON. 3s. 6d CAPT. TRELAWNEY. ("THE ALHAMBRA WASHINGTON IRVING. 49 ] THE LAST OF THE ABENCERAGES. CHATEAUBRIAND (THE INVOLUNTARY PROPHET. 2s. ea. HORACE SMITH. 50 THE HEADSMAN. 2s. 6d COOPER. 51 & 52 ANASTASIUS. 3s. 6d. each ... HOPE. 53 DARNLEY. 3s. Cd JAMES. 54 ZOHRAB. 3s. 6d MORIER. 55 HEIDENMAUER. 2s. 6d COOPER. 56 DE L'ORME. 3s. 6d. .. , JAMES. k^fcWz^afei" fcz4& . SOME ACCOUNT MY COUSIN NICHOLAS, THOMAS INGOLDSBY, ESQ. AUTHOR OF " THE ISGOLDSBY LEGENDS." LONDON: RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET. BELL & BRADFUTE, EDINBURGH ; GUMMING AND FERGUSON, DUBLIN. 1846. SRLE URL IBptstle Brtrtcatorg. OF DONNINGTON PRIORY, IN COMITATU BERKS. MY DEAR NAMESAKE, THE sins of Parents are often, for wise pur- poses, visited on their unoffending offspring. Not unfrequently, too, Retribution, like the Gout a form by the way which it sometimes assumes skips over a generation. Now this is precisely your case. But for a much respected relative of yours, once removed, my Cousin Nicholas had never shown his unblushing face to the sun. To her, then, should the responsibility, de jure, attach in the primary degree, but the Age of Chivalry is not gone, let Mr. Burke not the deaf gentleman say what he will. On your excellent " Governor " I dare not let it devolve ; were I so to commit myself, he might, V) EPISTLE DEDICATORY. perhaps, in his magisterial capacity commit me, and I have not the slightest curiosity respecting the interior of Reading jail. Besides, he has literary sins enough of his own to answer for. On your young and stalwart shoulders, then, it must perforce descend. That you may have the grace to bear this infliction with resignation, and never have the misfortune to incur a heavier one, is the sincere wish of Your attached friend, THOMAS INGOLDSBY. Tappington Everard, March 15. 1841. AVIS ATI LECTEUK, RESPECTED SIR or MADAM (N. or M., as the case may be,) IN laying before you this little piece of family biography, it does not escape me that to an " N. or M." of your enlightened mind, a question may very naturally arise wherefore should I, Thomas In- goldsby, throughout these Memoirs, describe myself under the alias of Charles Stafford ? My dear Sir or Madam the fact is, that when, some seven years since, this veracious narrative first appeared in the pages of " Immortal Maga," a fly in amber, preserved only by the pellucid brilliance that surrounded it, I had reasons, as plenty as black- berries, for preserving a strict incognito. Inter alia. Miss Kezia Ingoldsby, a lady who had a redundancy of virtues, and 13,000/. in the Three per Cents Reduced, had not then shuffled off this mortal coil. She loved green tea, and hated an author. The bare idea of having such an animal in her own family would have been to her murder and sudden death. " Breathes there " a nephew " with soul so dead " who, under such circumstances, would incur the guilt of Auntycide ? Vlll AVIS AU LECTEUR. I dared not take upon myself the responsibility of massacring a Maiden possessed of so much property in the funds. Aunt Kezia (" rest and bless her ! ") has since exchanged her earthly employment of manufacturing amateur card-racks, carpet-slippers, and urn-rugs, for that of renovating an unmentionable portion of bachelor costume elsewhere. Then why continue the alias 9 Why, the fact is, the alteration, now, would create a good deal of trouble, besides, perhaps, inducing a sus- - picion that there were no such persons in rerum naturd as either Mr. Stafford or Mr. Ingoldsby. Indeed " I happen to know," as poor Tom Hill used to say, that there are sceptical individuals who, even as matters stand, have not hesitated to aver that I have quite as much right and title to the one name as to the other. Heed them not, gentlest of Epicenes ! Believe me when I assure you that wherever Charles Stafford is on the scene, " Mutato nomine de me, Fabula narratur !" And that I am, and ever shall be, With the most profound, And down to the very centre of, Gravity, Your most devoted, THOMAS INGOLDSBY. Tappington Everard, March 20. 1841. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. Of my Cousin Nicholas. His birth, parentage, and education. Showing how he came to be born, and how I came to be cousin to my Cousin Nicholas. Of my Cousin's frolics, and their result - - Page 1 CHAP. II. Reconciliation. Auld Lang Syne. The Blarney- Stone. Return of the killed and wounded. " Hark ! More knock- ing !" - - - - - -15 CHAP. III. Penitence and its fruits. The more haste the worse speed. The horse and his rider - - - -25 CHAP. IV. The " Boast of heraldry." " The pitcher that goes too often to the well," &c. A scrape, and a departure - 35 CHAP. V. The march of intellect. Musae Bullwinklianae. How sleep the brave ! - 41 CHAP. VI. A letter. A journey. Music hath charms. Ducking and dodging. A chase. Thrown out at last. Stolen away ! 47 CHAP. VII. The way-worn traveller. The mystery developed. Good intentions. A hint and an invitation. Nous verrons 62 CONTENTS. CHAP. VIII. No news not always good news. Two heads not always better than one. A search. A disappointment. Off she goes. Tallyho ! A chase. A double. Fairly thrown out 70 CHAP. IX. More mystery. An arrival. An agreeable rencontre. Another not so agreeable. Seeing is not always believing. A " row." Westward ho ! Long look'd for, found at last. 78 CHAP. X. A " pretty particular handsome fix." Astonishment. Indig- nation. Two letters, and one answer - 103 CHAP. XI. A hasty man. A sick man. An angry man An obsequious man. A learned man. And a puzzled man - 114 CHAP. XII. Cards, the Devil's books. A relapse. What's in a name ? 123 CHAP. XIII. A ride. A walk. A song. A conversation. A dry argu- ment. A wet conclusion - - - 131 CHAP. XIV A return. An invalid. A snubbing. A charge A calling in. A calling out - - - 156 VOL II. CHAPTER I. How sleep the brave ? An appointment. An affair of senti- ment. An affair of honour A standing up. A tumbling down ------- 183 CONTENTS. CHAP. II. " Enough is as good as a feast." A sudden illness. A slow- recovery. "Getting one's gruel " metaphorically Literally. There's life in a muscle - - - , - 189 CHAP. III. The lions. Spurs and swords. Skulls and bones. Pride in a punch-bowl. Historic doubts. An epitaph. A prize poem -..-._ 204 CHAP. IV. Consternation. Objurgation. Separation. Visitation. Pere- grination. Meditation. Explanation. Restoration. Declaration - - - 21O CHAR V. An in-coming landlord. An out-going tenant. Murder and arson. The unkindest cut of all. An escape " nobody knows how." A nurse and a nurseling. Boys and girls Philosophy and madness. A " little go " from Oxford to Hindostan. Battle, murder, and sudden death ! The live- liest chapter in the book - - 227 CHAP. VI. More of " death's doings." For England ho ! Bills ordered to lie on the table. A race. A chase. A " lark." A Tory outrage, and a Liberal account of it. Wedding festivities. Where's the parson ? - 253 CHAP. VII. A mystery. A journey of pleasure. Another of necessity. Syllogism. Substance and accident. Major, minor, and consequence. An ass and a bandbox. A wig and a prig. Seniors and juniors. Assumption. Personation. Resignation. The ill-bred dog kicked down stairs 276 CHAP. VIII. A Baronet in a pucker. In a coffin. Grief and remorse. Too late ! Resuscitation ... 295 XII CONTENTS. CHAP. IX. Unexpected visitors. More free than welcome. " Don't you wish you may get it ? " An attack. An ambuscade. A repulse. A retreat * - - - 3 1 2 CHAP. X. A latitat. Conversation and explanation. The midnight hour. The more haste the less speed. The eclaircissement. The denouement. The fall of the leaf. The fall of the curtain ...... 324 THE TRANCE - - - - - - 341 SOME ACCOUNT OF MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. CHAPTER I. Oh, Love ! Love ! Love is like a dizziness : It winna let a puir body gang aboot his business. Old Sono. OF MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. HIS BIRTH, PARENTAGE, AND EDU- CATION. SHOWING HOW HE CAME TO BE BORN, AND HOW I CAME TO BE COUSIN TO MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. OF MY COUSIN'S FROLICS, AND THEIR RESULT. MY Cousin Nicholas was the liveliest, the sprightliest, the handsomest, and the cleverest little fellow in the world so said everybody, at least everybody that visited at the Hall and, " what everybody says must be true." If there were any persons in the neighbouring village of a contrary opinion, they were of that description which usually comes under the designation of Nobody 2 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. the Attorney, the Parson, and the Doctor, for instance ; besides, as my Cousin seldom came in contact with either of these worthies without his genius effervescing in some juvenile prank at their expense, their opinions were naturally the offspring of prejudice, and, of course, the less to be relied on. As to my Uncle, he looked upon this issue of his loins with mingled love and reverence, and frequently swore for my Uncle had contracted a bad habit of anathe- matizing that "there was more wit in Nick's little finger " than in the entire corporeal economy of the whole parish, including the Churchwardens and Overseer. Whether my Uncle proceeded upon any particular hypothesis in thus determining the locality of my Cousin's talents, must remain a matter of conjecture ; to those who favour the supposition that he did, it may afford no slight confirmation to observe, that Master Nicholas's jokes being invariably of a practical de- scription, it is far from improbable that the seat of wit, in his particular instance for one would not rashly oppugn a system in the abstract lay rather in his fingers' ends than in the more recondite recesses of the pineal gland. To those who maintain that my Uncle never formed an hypothesis in his life, I have nothing to say. This exuberance of fancy in my Cousin was for ever exhibiting itself in a variety of shapes, and usually more to the surprise than the delectation of those who witnessed its career. Indeed, it must be confessed, that if wit, like all other good qualities, be, according to Aristotle's idea, a medium between two opposite extremes, my Cousin's certainly inclined rather to the Hyperbole than the Elleipsis, inasmuch as it seldom MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 3 happened but that, in the opinion of some one or other, he " carried the joke a little too far." The education received by this hopeful heir of "an ancient and respectable family," was one commen- surate with his abilities, and, in its earlier stages at least, admirably adapted to bring talents like his to their full maturity. His father, Sir Oliver Bullwinkle, or, as he loved to write it, Bolevaincle, was the highest blossom of the genealogical tree which hung in his study, (a room so designated, a non studendo,} and shot up into a variety of luxuriant and overhanging branches from a root coeval with the Norman Con- queror, among whose more immediate attendants stood proudly eminent the name of Sir Roger de Bolevaincle. This worthy Paladin performed, it seems, such good service at the battle of Hastings and elsewhere, that he was, like many others, his brave compeers and co- mates in arms, rewarded by his victorious master, when at length securely seated on the throne of these realms, with the grant of a castle and a lordship, the forfeited fief of some outlawed Saxon noble. Such, at least, was the account frequently given by Sir Oliver to that most patient of all possible auditors, Captain Pyefiuch ; and if the style and title of his illustrious ancestor, through some unaccountable neglect, are not to be found either in Domesday Book, or the Roll of Battle Abbey, so trifling a circumstance can scarcely impeach the credit due to an historical truth, in all other respects so well authenticated. Sir' Oliver would have made an affidavit of the fact in any court in Christendom. The Castle, it is true, had long since mouldered into dust, "perierant etiam ruinte!" nor did a single stone remain to tell on what precise spot of the domain B 2 4> MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. the feodal habitation of the valiant and venerated Roger had existed, or, indeed, whether it had ever existed at all. Not so with the estate, the "dirty acres/' as Sir Lucius O'Trigger somewhat dispara- gingly calls them, the rich arable land and the luxuriant pastures, the homesteads, the copses, the majestic oaks, many of which might, from their appear- ance, have afforded a grateful shade to the renowned progenitor of the family, these still continued unim- paired in beauty and much increased in value, while to the possession of them the present representative of the race was, perhaps, as much indebted for the respect and precedence yielded him at the Quarter Sessions, as to the long list of illustrious Bullwinkles who had jointly and severally contributed to produce him. But if the pride of ancestry were among the most conspicuous foibles of Sir Oliver, it was by no means so predominant as to repress in him the inclination to associate with others, his neighbours, less fortunate in their descent. His exalted birth, like the vaunted prerogative of the first James, was rather a theme on which its possessor loved to descant, than a principle to influence his actions ; and the worthy Baronet's affability, especially to his grooms and gamekeepers, was even proverbial in the vicinity ; nor was it long before Cupid, that most radical of levellers, who, as my Lord Grizzle so truly observes, " Lords down to cellars bears, And bids the brawny porter walk up stairs," exerted his equalizing influence on Sir Oliver, and convinced the most incredulous that the heart of his new votary was even more susceptible of love than alive to dignity. The day had been cold, boisterous, and raw, the MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 5 country deep and 'miry, while Reynard, taking advan- tage of all these circumstances in his favour, had led his pursuers a rather longer round than usual. The Baronet reached his home, after an unsuccessful chase, chilled, wet, and weary ; the length of his ride had occasioned a proportionate increase of appetite, and as the readiest way of getting rid at once of two such uncomfortable sensations as cold and hunger, or rather, perhaps, governed by that ruling chance which so often decides the fate of mortals, he declined the splendid glories of the saloon for the more genial comforts of the kitchen fire. The ample grate blazed bright and cheerful; one end of it was occupied by the Cook ! ! in the very act of subjecting a most delicious rump-steak to the discipline of St. Laurence, the flame reflected her glowing beauties to the oblique glances of her master, while the other extremity of the range administered the most vivifying warmth to his inmost recesses, as, with the skirts of his hunting-frock duly subducted and restrained by each encircling arm, he exposed to the fire that particular portion of the human frame which it is considered equally indecorous to present to a friend or an enemy. Eleanor Skillet was round, plump, and, at this moment especially, rosy; and Cupid, who is seldom very dilatory in his proceedings, did Sir Oliver's business in the frying of an onion. Seating himself (somewhat too suddenly for his comfort) in a huge arm-chair, the ruggedness of whose wicker bottom was much at variance with the yielding softness of the cushion that usually supported his august person, the enamoured son of Nimrod, like another great man in a similar predicament, B 3 6 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. " Sigh'd and ate, Sigh'd and ate, Sigh'd and ate, and sigli'd again." Nor did the impression made by the winning graces of the buxom cook-maid prove a mere transitory fancy ; in the parlour, in the field, or the bed-chamber, despite the distractive cry of the dogs, or the notes of what bachelors call the " merry-toned horn," her image failed not from this hour to present itself to his imagination j it even broke his rest, and it is a well- authenticated fact, that during the three successive nights which immediately followed the culinary ex- pedition alluded to, the most nervous person in the world might have reposed tranquilly in any chamber on the same side of the house with Sir Oliver, without having his slumbers invaded by the deep-toned bass of that gentleman's nasal organ. The Baronet, having once imbibed this master pas- sion, was not a man to be long deterred, by any of that mauraise honte, that distressing timidity which too often prolongs most unnecessarily the sufferings of impassioned swains, from making his ardent wishes known to the fair object that inspired them ; indeed, it has been shrewdly conjectured, that the extraor- dinary wakefulness of the three preceding nights was the effect of consideration rather than of uneasiness, and had been produced rather by the operation of duly weighing within himself the " To be, or not to be ? " than by any apprehension for the final miscarriage of his suit, should reflection eventually induce him to decide in the affirmative. Of the precise nature of his original proposals, various were the surmises and reports current among the neighbours; certain it is, that four months after MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 7 the decisive interview with Miss Skillet in the Hall kitchen, - " to the nuptial bower He led her, nothing loth," and received at the altar of the parish church of Underdown the hand of the fair and lively Nelly, who, in something less than half a year afterwards, being, as she averred, much alarmed by the noise and shout- ing of the rabble as she passed in her coach through a fair held on the village green, presented him with a very fine little boy, marked on the back with a penny trumpet. The robust and healthy appearance of the infant, introduced thus prematurely into the Hall, gave rise to many an admiring shrug, and many a sagacious shake of the head; often too would a trifling elevation of the shoulders, accompanied by a corresponding dropping of the eyelids, take place as the young heir of the Bullwinkles was exhibited to the occasional inspection of the gossips of Underdown ; and many a significant tone as well as gesture, intended to convey much more than met the eye or the ear, accompanied the communication of the birth of the hero of these memoirs to his aunt, the sister of Sir Oliver, and mother to the humble biographer by whose unprac- tised pen this eventful history remains to be com- memorated. This lady, on the marriage of her brother, had retired from Underdown Hall, feeling, and, indeed, expressing great indignation at the contamination caused by the hitherto unsullied stream of the blood of the Bullwinkles becoming thus intimately com- mingled with the plebeian puddle which stagnated in the veins of Nelly Skillet. Vain were all the remon- B 4 8 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. strances of her brother, who probably conceived that the aforesaid stream was infinitely too pure to admit the possibility of pollution, but that its clear current, like that of the majestic Rhone, must still flow on, undefiled by the accession of any meaner waters, which, though rolling in the same channel, it disdains to mix with, or to admit into its bosom. His utmost efforts did not avail to detain her one moment in the ancient seat of her ancestors, thus desecrated, as she conceived, by the reception of so ignoble a mistress. She accordingly quitted the Hall on the day previous to the celebration of these inauspicious nuptials, pro- ceeding to the house of an old friend and schoolfellow. By this lady, the wife of a wealthy commoner in an adjoining county, she was most cordially received, and her inmate she continued till her own union with Major Stafford, the younger brother of a good family, to whom she had been long and tenderly attached, an event certainly accelerated by the circumstance which occasioned her secession from her brother's roof. Major Stafford was, as I have already hinted, of high unblemished lineage ; but Fortune, in bestowing this mark of her good-will upon him, had exhausted all her favours, and denied him that portion of the good things of this world so necessary to secure to rank the respect it claims. He was what is commonly called " a soldier of fortune," that is to say, a soldier of no fortune, but John Bull is peculiarly felicitous in misnomers of this kind. The man who demands pay- ment under a threat of arrest he terms a " Solicitor," names a cinder-heap in the suburbs "Mount Pleasant," and calls a well-known piece of water the " Serpentine River," because it is not a river, and because it is not serpentine. The Major possessed little more than a high sense MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 9 of honour, a generous and noble heart, a handsome person, his commission, and his sword. He was, in fact, the junior of three brothers : the elder, Lord Manningham, a general in the army, and at the period of which I am speaking, on foreign service, was a married man with a family ; the second, the Honour- able Augustus Stafford, who was fast rising into emi- nence in his profession as a barrister, remained a bachelor; while Charles, the youngest, having felt no decided inclination for the Church, to which he had been originally destined, had resolved to enter the army, and with his sword carve out his way to that distinction which his lofty spirit panted to attain. My mother's fortune, though little more than six thousand pounds added to the income derived from his com- mission, enabled them to live in comfort, if not in splendour, till the birth of myself, their first and, as it eventually proved, their only child, and left, to dis- positions happy and contented as theirs, little else on earth to be desired. I was six years old when this state of calm felicity was broken in upon by the regi- ment to which my father belonged being ordered abroad. The demon of discord had again unfurled the standard of war ; and my father, now Colonel Stafford, was forced to obey the rude summons which tore him from the arms of his wife and child to en- counter all the inconveniences and hazards of the tented field. Lady Nelly, meanwhile, in the full possession of all that wealth and finery, which, when in single blessed- ness, she had been accustomed to consider as rivalling the joys of Elysium, did not find her sanguine antici- pations altogether realized by the event which had put these objects of her eager wishes so unexpectedly within her grasp. True that, instead of cooking an 10 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. excellent dinner for others, she had now only to un- dergo the fatigue of eating it herself; that London Particular Madeira, and an occasional sip of the best Cogniac, had superseded Barclay's Entire, egg-hot, and gin-twist ; that the woollen apron, muslin cap, and pattens had fled before flounces and furbelows, a yel- low silk turban with a bird of Paradise to match, and a barouche and four: nevertheless, many things were still wanting to complete her happiness, while many circumstances were daily occurring to render her situation irksome and uncomfortable in the extreme. The new Lady Bullwinkle was by nature of a social disposition, and finding little to amuse or interest her in the few ladies of the neighbouring gentry, who, from electioneering motives, were induced by their husbands to leave their cards at her residence, she sighed in secret for the less dignified but more en- livening entertainments of that servants' hall which she had so rashly abandoned. She still infinitely pre- ferred a game at " Hunt the Slipper," or the mystic rites of the Christmas mistletoe, to all the more re- fined methods of killing time, practised by ladies of the rank in life to which she was now elevated. This, her ruling propensity, however, she yet contrived sometimes to indulge, especially after the birth of my Cousin Nicholas, whose infantine wants frequently furnished her with an excuse for a descent to the lower regions ; while, during the occasional absence of Sir Oliver, she was in the constant habit of witness- ing, and to a certain extent joining with, "Little Master" in the merry pranks and facetious conceits of the parti-coloured gentry and Abigails in the kitchen, who, sooth to say, particularly in those fes- tive moments which mark the commencement and termination of the year, were much more encouraged MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 11 by the condescension and the " largesse " of " My Lady," than awed by her authority or abashed at her presence. In so excellent a school, a boy of the most inferior abilities could scarcely fail of picking up much useful and valuable information ; it is therefore far from sur- prising that a youth of Nicholas's great natural parts and lively genius should, in a comparatively short period, make such a progress as to create surprise and admiration, even in his instructors. At eight years old, my cousin was the veriest wag in Christendom. Besides being thoroughly initiated in the mysteries of "Put" and "All-Fours," "Blindman's Buff," and " Threadle-my-needle," the superiority of his talents had evinced itself in a vast variety of ways ; he had put cow-itch into the maids' beds, and brimstone into his father's punch-bowl j crackers into the kitchen fire, and gunpowder into the parlour snuffers ; nay, on one peculiarly felicitous opportunity, when the annual celebration of his own birth-day had collected a party in the great dining-room of Underdown Hall, he had contrived to fix a large bonnet-pin, so perpendicularly erect, in the cushion about to be occupied by the Reverend Dr. Stuffins, as to occasion much detriment and inconvenience to that learned gentleman, whose agility on the occasion would not have disgraced Mr. Ellar, or the "Flying Phenomenon." In the course of the same eventful day, moreover, he subtracted a chair from the deciduous body of his papa's "legal adviser/' am- putated the apothecary's pig-tail, and, by the inge- nious adaptation of a fishing-hook and line, previously passed through the pulley of a chandelier, elevated with a sudden jerk the flaxen jasey and redundant tresses, heretofore the dulce decus of Miss Kitty Pye- 12 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. finch, to a situation emulating that of Mahomet's coffin. For this last Jeu $ esprit he was certainly repri- manded by his father with more of severity than he usually exhibited, Sir Oliver being penetrated with the most profound respect for the lady, the honours of whose brow had been thus wantonly invaded. In- deed, the confusion of the party was not a little in- creased by the vehement anathematizing of my Uncle, who, in the first transports of his indignation, so far forgot himself as to apply his foot, with a sudden and irresistible impetus, to that precise spot in my Cousin Nicholas's system of osteology which appeared the best adapted for its reception, it having completely escaped the worthy baronet for the moment that the gout had for a little time past been coquetting with his own great toe, a circumstance which this rash manoeuvre brought at once most forcibly to his recol- lection. Nicholas up to this comparatively advanced period of his existence had formed no more distinct idea of physical force, as applied to his own person, than that which he might have derived from the vague intima- tion afforded by his nurse- maid's muse as she occa- sionally carolled, " Dance-y, Diddle-ey Mopsey ! What shall I do with ye? Set ye in lap And give ye some pap? Or get a good rod and whip ye ? " As the menacing alternative had never been re- sorted to, he was, of course, equally astonished and incensed at the very unexpected manner in which his endeavours to contribute to the amusement of the company had now for the first time been received ; he MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 13 yelled like a Catabaw, and ran roaring down to the kitchen, whither he was followed by Lady Bullwinkle, with a countenance more in sorrow than in anger. After the lapse of some half-an-hour, passed in ad- ministering her consolations to his wounded spirit, her ladyship at length succeeded in assuaging the poig- nancy of his grief, and in somewhat softening the excess of his resentment; then having extracted from 1 him a reluctant promise not to be comical any more that evening, she led him back to the parlour, apolo- gizing, with a grace peculiarly her own, to the party, for the " sweet child's " having been " a little too funny." By the gentlemen her excuses were received with the most gratifying good humour ; but Miss Pye- finch was by no means inclined to extend the olive- branch so easily. This lady was a poetess her soul all tenderness, sentiment, sympathy, and feeling ; of course, her nerves were sadly shattered by this attack, and she hesitated for a moment as to the propriety of going into hysterics, but fortunately recollecting that the execution of such a measure would, in the present state of her head-dress, be far from advisable, she very considerately deferred taking so decisive a step till a more convenient opportunity should present itself, and gathering up her spoils, hastily retreated to compose an ode " To Sensibility," in the course of which she took occasion to compare herself to Belinda, in the " Rape of the Lock," not omitting to cast a most Me- dusean glance on the offender, whom she encountered on the stairs in her retreat. It would be tedious, not to say impossible, to re- count the hundredth part of my Cousin Nicholas's bril- liant sallies, of a similar description, that took place in the interval between this piece of pleasantry and an 14 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. event which, for some time, had the effect of checking the ebullitions of his genius. This occurrence was the sudden death of his mother, Lady Bullwinkle, who having unluckily fallen from the top of the back stairs to the bottom, in consequence of treading on a few peas which my cousin had placed there for the express purpose of giving one of the maids a tumble, broke an arm and a leg. When borne to her room, she positively refused to abide by the directions of Dr. Drench, who, as she shrewdly observed, " only wanted to starve her into taking his poticary's stuff." She re- solved therefore to abide by a regimen prescribed by herself, in which roast-goose, mock-turtle, and devilled- sweetbreads, were prominent articles. To this diet she rigidly adhered, seldom exceeding a pint of Ma- deira at a meal; but whether it was that the injuries received were in themselves so serious as to baffle the art of medicine, or that, as Dr. Drench never failed to aver, her whole system of living was radically wrong, it somehow happened that a mortification ensued, which carried the poor lady off, within a fortnight after the accident. MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 15 CHAPTER II. The brave Roland ! the brave Roland ! False tidings reach'd the Rhenish strand That he had fallen in fight ! And thy faithful bosom swoon'd with pain, O loveliest maiden of Allemagne, For the loss of thine own true knight ! Old Song. RECONCILIATION. AULD LANG SYNE. THE BLARNEY-STONE. RETORN OF THE KILLED AND WOUNDED. "HARK! MORE KNOCKING ! " SOME six months after the decease of Lady Bull- winkle, my mother once more returned to take up her residence at Underdown Hall. Poor Sir Oliver, although he had not absolutely "forgot himself to stone" on the loss of his lady, whose charms, sooth to say, had long since declined very much in his estimation, was nevertheless seriously inconvenienced by her decease. The cares of house- keeping, to which he had never in his life been accustomed, were heavy and grievous. Previous to taking upon himself the rosy fetters of Hymen, his household affairs had been conducted by his sister, whose prudent management he had somewhat missed on the keys of office being transferred to his late lady; but when she too was called upon, though under dif- ferent circumstances, to retire from the seat of government, his situation was lamentable indeed. The affairs of the home department got into sad disorder ; the servants, he said, nay swore, were worse plagues than any which infested Egypt of old ; over the men, indeed, he did with great difficulty preserve 16 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. some little supremacy, but the women ! No, he must positively call in some more practised and efficient hand than his own to seize the helm and steer his labouring bark amidst the rocks and quicksands by which it was on all sides surrounded. Two schemes especially offered themselves to his election; the one, to make advances to his sister, whose husband was now in the Peninsula, having left her in furnished lodgings in London; the other, to raise Miss Pyefinch to the vacant throne. Pride and shame rendered him averse from the first measure ; besides which, he was by no means certain that Mrs. Stafford would extend the olive branch and come into his terms ; while a fearful awe of Miss Kitty's talents, and no very great inclination for her person, (which certainly bore little or no resemblance to the " statue that enchants the world,") threw serious obstacles in the way of his second expedient. It is true that Captain Pyefinch, her brother, an invalid officer on half-pay, was a great proficient in the noble science of backgammon, and moreover very excellent company, seldom interrupting the most long-winded of the Baronet's stories by any remarks of his own, which, of Spartan brevity, "few and far between," just served to convince his entertainer that his narratives were not thrown away on the listless ear of an unobservant or a somnolent auditor. The society of this interesting veteran would by the proposed match be at once con- verted from a casual good into a permanent blessing ; but then the Lady For Miss Catharine Pyefinch, a maiden who owned to six-and-thirty, the worthy Baronet felt, it is certain, the greatest reverence and respect ; but then reverence and respect are not precisely the sensations with which a hale widower, in Sir Oliver's circumstances, would MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 17 wish to be wholly and entirely penetrated towards the proposed partner of his bed and fortune. In the first place, her learning was so transcendent that his own faculties were often bewildered in the vain attempt to unravel the meaning of her commonest expressions ; then her sensibility was so exquisite, that if by chance, during her visits at the Hall, Sir Oliver found it ad- visable to horsewhip a refractory pointer, or kick an intruding cat out of the parlour, the scene never failed to overcome her ; and if, which was too frequently the case, an unlucky oath would slide out of the wrong corner of his mouth in her presence, the shock was electrical, and rendered her completely hors de combat for the rest of the day. With all this, the Baronet had a high opinion of the good sense which enabled her to discover so many excellent qualities in himself; since, though she con- stantly assured him that they were open and visible to all mankind, still, with every disposition in the world to credit her, he could not, from the silence of every body else upon the subject, but entertain some doubts whether these said excellencies were altogether so ob- vious to others as her own fine perception induced her to imagine. Then, again, her verses were so delightful; not that Sir Oliver piqued himself upon his taste for poetry, which, sooth to say, had usually a narcotic effect upon him, but her glowing muse painted so ex- quisitely the noble actions of the renowned Sir Roger, the sage decrees of the learned Sir Marmaduke (a Whig justice of the peace in the reign of Queen Anne, whose portrait adorned the mantel-piece in the prin- cipal saloon), and the innumerable virtues of the whole race of Bullwinkle, that, even without the well- merited eulogium on the existing representative of that dignified family, Morpheus himself must have 18 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. thrown away his poppies, and hung on the recital with all the vigilance of the most insomnolent mouser. Nevertheless, though the Baronet's ears were tickled, and his vanity gratified, his heart was not subdued ; and wisely reflecting that there was little apprehension of losing the Captain's society, as he could not call to recollection that the gentleman had ever declined one single invitation to the Hall, or had hesitated to pro- long his stay, when there, on the slightest intimation that such an extension would be agreeable to its in- mates remembering, too, that there was no reason to suppose Miss Kitty would cease to immortalize the glories of the family, though she were never to become herself a member of it loth, moreover, to part so soon with his newly-acquired liberty he finally de- cided, one eventful evening, after losing eight successive hits to the Captain, and being somewhat annoyed by an incautious expression of the lady's aversion to tobacco, on writing to Mrs. Stafford, proposing a cessation of hostilities and requesting her to resume that station at the head of his household which his unadvised nuptials had formerly induced her to re- nounce. Rome was not finished in a day, neither was Sir Oliver's epistle ; both, however, were, after much toil and labour, completed, and the old butler was despatched to Upper Seymour Street, with the letter which had been so long in the concocting, and which he faithfully delivered into Mrs. Stafford's own hands. My mother was surprised, and a little agitated on perusing its contents. Years had elapsed since she had quitted her paternal Toof, without any expectation of revisiting it again ; but the cause which had banished her thence was now removed, and a feeling, easily con- ceived, gave her a strong inclination to behold once more those scenes, which, in her early youth, had been MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 19 her home her world. Habit and education had indeed combined to estrange her from her brother, more than is usual between members of the same fa- mily, even before his ill-assorted marriage ; still a sincere, if not a very ardent, affection had ever filled her mind towards him ; and, though somewhat quenched by the unfavourable circumstance alluded to, it was by no means extinguished, and she could not but con- fess to herself, that a reconciliation with him would be most grateful to her. Superadded to this, motives of economy spoke trumpet-tongued in favour of the measure. I was now at Westminster school, my father engaged in all the perilous scenes of a dangerous and doubtful war. The Honourable Augustus Stafford had lately departed this life, and having long since quarrelled with his younger brother, who had warmly resented some slighting expressions used by him relative to the marriage with my mother, had be- queathed whatever property he possessed to Lord Manningham, who still retained his government in the East. Should any unfortunate event occur to deprive me of a father, Underdown Hall would be a secure asylum for us both ; while even at present, with the very limited income she was able to command, and the consciousness that all my hopes of a competency must rest upon her ability to save from her own ex- penses, it was a retreat pointed out to her as well by prudence as inclination at all events till the period of Colonel Stafford's return. My mother was not long in resolving to accept her brother's invitation thus conveyed, and a communi- cation to that effect speedily transmitted to my uncle the pleasing intelligence, that the proffered olive branch was accepted, while it fixed a day for his long- estranged sister's re-appearance at the Hall. Thither, c 2 20 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. in fact, after taking a most affectionate leave of me, she repaired at the appointed time ; as much, I believe, to the discomfiture of Miss Pyefinch, as to the real joy of Sir Oliver, who after he had got over the little awkwardness of their first interview, scrupled not to declare that he had not felt himself so thoroughly comfortable since their separation. For myself, I must own I was by no means pleased with my mother's new arrangements, especially when in the ensuing vacation I went down to spend my six weeks' holiday at the Hall. It is true the frank good-humour of my uncle, and the evident pleasure he took in seeing me, soon won my regard in spite of his peculiarities; but I did not like the Captain ; I did not like Miss Kitty, who had, however, contrived to make a friend of my mother, and was fast rising in her good graces in proportion as she declined in those of Sir Oliver. This lady's conduct had indeed undergone a con- siderable alteration since Mrs. Stafford's arrival. Her muse was still prolific, but it was no longer the pa- negyric of the house of Bulhvinkle that formed its exclusive theme. The Baronet was no longer its object ; all the poetic artillery of the fair Sappho was now levelled at my mother. She sang of the delightful union of two sensitive souls, and the charms of female friendship. My mother smiled. She changed her strain to a recapitulation of all Mrs. Stafford's ad- mirable qualities, attributing to her the excess of every virtue under the sun. My mother frowned. She shifted her ground once more. The subject alike of her lays and her discourse was now the praises and merits of the gallant soldier, who, amidst dangers, dif- ficulties, and death, still thought with fondness on the only object of his affections, and panted for the hour MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 21 when, his perilous duties all fulfilled, the pains of ab- sence should be more than balanced by the transports of a joyful return to the embraces of his beloved. My mother's flint began to melt, and an affection for me as violent as instantaneous, which seized the good lady the moment I was introduced to her acquaintance, completed her conquest ; Miss Pyefinch had " never seen so fine or so engaging a boy ; " and before that day was over, Mrs. Stafford hesitated not to affirm that " Miss Pyefinch was really a very sensible woman, and possessed one of the best hearts in the world." Sir Oliver whistled, and left the room, muttering something in an under-tone, which, from the only monosyllable that could be distinctly heard, related in all likelihood to a female greyhound that followed him out of the parlour. Despite the encomia with which I was overwhelmed by her, I cannot say that the manners of my new friend made a very favourable impression upon me ; nay, I must own that with respect to my Cousin Nicholas, (whom, by the way, I have too long neglected,) my temper was even more fastidious. In vain did that facetious young gentleman exhibit some of the choicest specimens of his wit for my entertainment ; in vain were the most jocose feats of practical ingenuity, feats which convulsed all the grooms and footmen in the house with laughter, brought forward to amuse me ; in vain did he tie the wheel of a post-chaise, which had drawn up at a door in the village, to one of the legs of an adjacent fruit-stall, and occasion in consequence a most ludicrous subversion of the fragile fabric on the sudden movement of the vehicle, to the utter con- sternation of a profane old apple-woman, who loaded the unknown malefactor with her bitterest execrations; in vain did he even exercise his humour on my own c 3 22 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. person, putting drugs of a cathartic quality into my soup, or removing the linch-pins from a pony-chaise which I was fond of driving about the grounds, and thereby occasioning me an unexpected descent from my triumphal car, accomplished with far more of pre- cipitation than grace still I was so weak as to remain insensible to his merit, and even to look upon these sprightly sallies with some degree of anger and in- dignation. I have little doubt but that I must have appeared to him a very dull dog, and should in all probability have soon incurred his supreme contempt, but for an event which, I have since had reason to imagine, changed in some degree the nature of his feel- ings towards me. The last accounts from Spain had stated the approx- imation of the two contending armies, and the public journals did not hesitate to speculate on the probabi- lity of an approaching engagement. These conjectures derived much additional strength from the contents of private despatches, and, among others, of letters re- ceived by my mother from her husband, who from his situation on Lord 's staff, had good grounds for supposing such a circumstance to be very likely to take place. My mother's anxiety was, of course, ex- treme ; nor could I fail to partake of the same feelings, when one morning, the rest of the family being already assembled at breakfast, my Cousin Nicholas, who was usually later than any other of the party, entered the room. His countenance, unlike its usual expression, was serious, and even solemn ; his step slow and hesitating, while a degree of disorder was visible in his whole de- meanour. He took his seat at the breakfast table in silence, and began to occupy himself with his tea-cup, bending down his head, as if with the intention of MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 23 shading his countenance from the observation of the company. My uncle at this moment inquired for the newspaper, the invariable concomitant of his morning meal, and was answered by the butler that he had placed it on the table as usual, before any of the family had come down, except Mr. Bullwinkle, whom he thought he had seen engaged in its perusal. IC And pray, Mr. Nick, what have you done with it? " cried Sir Oliver. " I did not know you had been up so early." "Done with it, sir?" stammered my Cousin. "No- thing, sir, that is, nothing particular. I have left it in my own room, I dare say ; I can fetch it, if you wish me, sir, that is but perhaps you will like to read it after breakfast ?" and his eye glanced significantly towards my mother. Its expression was not to be mistaken. She caught the alarm instantly, and, rising from her chair, while her trembling limbs scarce sufficed to bear her weight, and her face turned ashy pale, exclaimed, " There is news from Spain ! I am sure of it and Stafford is killed ! " Her words were electrical, and a simultaneous con- viction of their truth blanched every cheek. " Killed I " returned my Cousin Nicholas. " No, my dear aunt that is, I hope not ; but there has been an action, a severe one, and it is as well to be prepared " Mrs. Stafford's worst fears were confirmed : she fainted, and was carried from the room. In the con- fusion of the moment, no one thought of inquiring into the sad particulars of the disaster that had overwhelmed us. Sir Oliver first asked the question, and demanded to see the fatal paper. My Cousin immediately com- plied with the requisition, and produced it from his c 4 24 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. pocket ; saying coolly, as he put it into his father's hand, that " he was sorry to see his aunt so discom- posed, as his uncle Stafford might not, after all, be killed, or even wounded, as his name certainly was not in the list of either the one or the other." " Not in the list ! " roared Sir Oliver. " Then what the d 1 did you mean, you young rascal, by alarming us all in this manner ? " and stood with an expression of countenance in which joy, surprise, and anger, were most ludicrously commingled ; while I, as the convic- tion that my ingenious Cousin had merely been once more indulging his taste for pleasantry flashed upon my mind, sprang forward in the heat of my indignation, and, with a tolerably well-directed blow of my arm, levelled that jocose young gentleman with the floor. A yell, shrill and piercing as that of the fabled man- drake when torn by the hand of violence from its pa- rent earth, accompanied his prostration, and the ill- concealed triumph which had begun to sparkle in his eye at the success of his stratagem, gave way to a strong appearance of disgust at this forcible appeal to his feelings. But Sir Oliver, with all his partiality for his heir, was at this moment too angry to take up his cause : he ordered him instantly out of the room, while I hurried off to console my mother with the intelli- gence that the fears she had been so cruelly subjected to were altogether groundless, and that the affair, to use a frequent and favourite phrase of my Cousin Nicholas, was " nothing but a jolly good hoax from beginning to end." MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 25 CHAPTER III. A doubtful fate the soldier tries Who joins the gallant quarrel Perhaps on the cold ground he lies, No wife, no friend, to close his eyes, Or, vainly mourn'd, Perhaps return'd, He's crown'd with victory's laurel. DIBDIN. Facilis descensus Averni ; Sed revocare gradum, superasque evadere ad auras, Hoc opus, hie labor est ! VIRG. PENITENCE AND ITS FRUITS THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED. THE HORSE AND HIS RIDER. I FOUND my mother still suffering severely under the impression that the blood of her beloved husband had mingled with that of many of his brave countrymen in crimsoning the plains of Talavera. Painful as it was to witness her distress, I almost dreaded to inform her that she had been imposed upon, lest the sudden tran- sition from despair to extreme joy, on finding her apprehensions for his safety entirely groundless, should prove too much for her agitated mind, and plunge her perhaps into a situation still more to be dreaded than that state of insensibility from which she was now beginning slowly to emerge. Fortunately, while I was yet meditating on the best method of conveying the happy news to her with the caution it required, Dr. Drench was ushered into the apartment. The worthy old butler, on seeing the con- dition in which his mistress had been borne from the 26 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. breakfast parlour, had hurried, unbidden, in search of that gentleman's assistance, and had luckily found him at his own house, which was situate scarcely a hundred yards distant from the avenue leading to the Hall. When he arrived, the good doctor was in the very act of mounting his galloway, a tight little Suffolk punch of more "bone" than " mettle," in order to pay a visit to a patient. Of course no persuasion was necessary, under the circumstances, to induce him to alter his route for the present ; and, having stored his pockets with a profusion of the usual restoratives, a very few minutes brought him to Mrs. Stafford's bedside. Taking him aside to the window, I, in as few words as possible, recounted to him the cause of my mother's sudden in- disposition, together with the real state of the case, the assurance of which would, I was persuaded, prove the most effectual remedy for her disorder ; then, leaving it to his discretion to announce the glad tidings in the manner most befitting the occasion, I retired from the room. The worthy doctor, not being blessed with a very keen relish for the ridiculous, was at first a good deal shocked at my narration, and, in the simplicity of his heart, cursed my Cousin Nicholas for " a mischiev- ous young cub," but then it maybe observed in pallia- tion, that Drench was but a plain man, with very little taste for humour. By his care and skill, however, to- gether with the judicious way in which he communi- cated to his patient, after a free use of the lancet, the information which had indeed nearly again over- whelmed her, such beneficial effects were produced as to warrant him, on joining us in the parlour below, in holding out the strongest hopes that no ulterior conse- quences of a more serious or unpleasant nature would attend the execution of my Cousin's frolic. Sir Oliver pressed the doctor strongly to stay and MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 27 partake of our family dinner : this invitation, however, frankly as it was proffered, he thought fit most posi- tively to decline. Indeed, ever since the surreptitious abduction of his queue, which had taken place on the memorable occasion of the party formerly mentioned, he had been rather shy of committing his person within the four walls of Underdown Hall, except under cir- cumstances of professional emergency. He had by this time, after infinite care and pains, succeeded in rearing another pigtail to a size and longitude nearly coequal with those of its lamented predecessor. It was once again totus teres atque rotundus, and its pro- prietor was therefore, not without reason, especially apprehensive lest the scissors of my Cousin Nicholas, scarcely less fatal than those of the Parcae, might once more subject this cherished appendage to the unplea- sant ceremony of a divorce. Despite, therefore, the Circaean allurements of a fine haunch of forest mutton, his favourite joint, Dr. Drench shook me cordially by the hand, bowed to Sir Oliver and the Captain, and quitted the house. My uncle, whose love and regard for his sister, always sincere, were, perhaps, greater at this than at any former period of his life, was truly rejoiced to find that no seriously unpleasant effects were likely to en- sue from what, now his apprehensions were allayed, he again began to consider as a pardonable, though some- what too lively ebullition of youthful vivacity; he had even begun to explain to the Captain, for the five hundredth time, what a desideratum it was that a boy should have a little mischief, a "little spice of the d 1," as he phrased it, "in him ;" the Captain, in no wise relaxing from his customary taciturnity, was very composedly occupying himself in arranging the men upon the backgammon board, and neither assented nor 28 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. demurred to a proposition which he had so often heard laid down by his host before ; while I, in that restless fidgetty state of niind which one feels when subsiding agitation has not yet quite sunk into composure, was endeavouring to divert the unpleasant current of my thoughts, by turning over the leaves of the last new novel, brought by Miss Kitty Pyefinch from the circu- lating library at Underdown, when a strange medley of voices and confusion of sounds, portending some new calamity, and proceeding from the outward hall, arrested my attention, caused even the imperturbable Captain to raise his eyes from his game, and drew from Sir Oliver Bullwinkle the abrupt exclamation, " What the devil's that ! " The sounds evidently and rapidly approached ; in a few seconds the parlour door flew open, and a figure, which, by its general outline only, could be recognised as that of Drench, occupied the vacant space, while the background of the picture was filled up by an assemblage of sundry domestics, bearing clothes- brushes, and rubbers of various descriptions, and exhibiting a set of countenances in every one of which respect, and a strong inclination to risibility, mani- festly contended for the mastery. The unexpected appearance of such a phenomenon excited scarcely less surprise and astonishment in my own mind than in that of Sir Oliver, who stood gazing on the apparition with symptoms of the most undis- guised amazement, till a voice, broken by passion, and impeded by the mud, which filled the mouth of the speaker, stammered out "Look here, Sir Oliver! I beg you will look here this is another of the tricks of your precious son Nicholas. His behaviour is unbearable, he is a pest to the whole neighbourhood, Sir Oliver." MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 29 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. of cold pork for supper. I fell asleep, and dreamt of the devil and Mrs. Morgan. At length " The morn, in russet mantle clad, Peep'd o'er the top of" our " high eastern hill." After a breakfast which appeared to me to be unusually protracted, I retired with my mother to her dressing- room, there to receive from her a communication of those weighty motives which had induced her to summon me thus abruptly. I learned that her so doing was the consequence of a letter which she had lately received from a paternal uncle of mine, of whom I had hitherto heard but little, and seen nothing, General Lord Viscount Manningham, the elder, and now the sole surviving brother of my lamented father. This epistle stated the fact of his lordship's arrival in England, after an absence from his native land of many years' duration, in the course of which time his paternal affections had been severely lacerated, by wit- nessing a fine and dearly-loved family of promising children yielding, together with their mother, one by one, to the fatal effects of a climate but too uncongenial with a European constitution. Of three boys, and as many girls, one only of the latter now remained to him ; and, trembling lest the same dreadful cause which had robbed him in succession of her brothers and sisters, should also deprive him of this, now become his only hope, Lord Manningham had relinquished the high and lucrative situation, and the state, little short of regal, which he held in one of our richest colonies, to seek once more the shores of his own country, loaded, 'tis true, with wealth, but all too dearly pur- chased by the loss of his wife and offspring. Great indeed were the changes which the gallant Viscount found had taken place during his long ab- MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 65 sence from England. His two brothers were, both of them, no more ; of all his once numerous relatives and connections my mother and myself were the solitary survivors, neither of whom he had, of course, ever beheld. His attachment to his brothers, and to Charles especially, had been a strong one ; and although the confined state of his own finances, which in the earlier part of his career were altogether unequal to the decent support of his rank, had prevented his doing for him what his affection dictated, and indeed forced him to sacrifice all his early habits and attachments for the valuable appointment which eventually crowned him with wealth as well as honour, still he ever entertained the kindliest feelings towards his youngest brother, and, as far as lay in his power, had aided his promotion by the exercise of all the interest he possessed ; fully determining, at the same time, to appropriate to his use no niggard portion of that daily increasing pro- perty which the gradual contraction of his own family circle rendered the less necessary for his and their ex- clusive use. Death, as we have already seen, had frustrated this project ; and Colonel Stafford expired, comparatively ignorant of his fraternal intentions ; but now that the same cruel spoiler had robbed him also of those beloved boys to whom he had once looked up as destined to transmit his name and honours to posterity, Lord Manningham recurred with greater warmth than ever to his original design ; and, as the father was beyond the reach of his benevolence, resolved to confer his benefits on the son. In this intention he was the more confirmed, as that son was now, by the failure of his own issue-male, become heir-presumptive to the family title, and the last possessor of the noble name of Stafford. 66 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. Such was the tenor of his epistle, which concluded with the expression of an earnest desire to see him who was destined to inherit his honours, and intimated that the character he had already heard of his nephew, my mother read me this part of the letter with a swelling heart, in reply to the inquiries which he had instituted respecting him, made him anxious that the meeting should take place as soon as possible. The letter, which, I need hardly say, was a very long one, and couched in the handsomest and most affectionate terms, contained also a pressing invitation to my mother, urging her to accompany her son to Grosvenor Square, as his engagements with Ministers would, for a time, render it impossible for the Ex- Governor himself to visit the Hall ; a hint, too, was conveyed of an embryo plan, the object of which was the union of the senior and junior branches of the House of Stafford, by the marriage of the two last remaining scions of the family. Of all the proposals that could have been submitted to her, it is doubtful if any one could have been recom- mended of a nature more gratifying to my mother than the one thus alluded to. Lord Manninghaui's wealth was now immense, and, being almost entirely of his own acquisition, was, of course, with the exception of the very small entailed estate which went with the Viscountcy, completely at his own disposal. To me, indeed, a barren title would descend; but that, without the funds necessary to support its dignity, might rather be considered as a misfortune than a boon. An ar- rangement like the one proposed would obviate every inconvenience. Report spoke highly of the person and accomplishments of the Honourable Miss Stafford, although (from her father's time having been hitherto too much occupied since his return to admit of his MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 67 forming a suitable establishment,) she had not yet been introduced into general society, but at the next birth- day she was to be presented ; then, of course, her career of fashion would commence, and, beyond all doubt, numberless admirers among the votaries of ton would rapidly present themselves in the train of the possessor of so many charms, and the inheritrix of so many rupees. On every account therefore my mother was anxious that I should lose no time in securing to myself an interest both with my noble uncle and his fair daughter ; and nothing prevented her from at once writing to me, and explaining the whole affair, but the idea which she entertained that she could better ex- patiate upon the advantages of such a match in a personal interview, combined with a wish of hearing from my own lips the pleasing assurance that my most earnest endeavours should be forthwith applied to the realisation of this her most fondly cherished hope. Although naturally of a sanguine temperament, and fully alive to all the advantages which rank and pro- perty bestow on their possessor, there was nevertheless a something in all this which did not present itself to my view in quite such glowing colours as it did to that of my mother. To be thus unceremoniously disposed of, without being even consulted on the subject, ap- peared to me neither consistent with the respect I thought my due, nor altogether reasonable. Miss Stafford might, for aught I knew to the contrary, be all that my mother represented her to be, but then again she might not or, if she were, I might not like her, or though self-love whispered that was scarcely possible she might not like me. Nor should I be acting with candour were I to deny that, had this pro- posal been made to me before I quitted Oxford, it might have been viewed in a very different light. At F 2 68 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. present the charms of the unknown fair one certainly tended most materially to bias my inclinations ; and though I was not so far gone, either in love or in romance, as at once to resolve on rejecting so fair an offer, if offer that might be called, which at most was only an insinuation, still the recollection of the tender yet modest glances I had encountered in the pit of Covent Garden theatre undoubtedly contributed to render me averse from a proposal, my acceptance of which would of course preclude the possibility of any further acquaintance with the object of my search, even should I be fortunate enough to discover her retreat. Nevertheless I could not help feeling the force of Sir Anthony Absolute's observation, " it is very unreasonable to object to a lady whom you have never seen ;" and the idea at the same moment occur- ring to me that my attendance on Lord Manningham in town would be, perhaps, the most efficacious method I could take to make the discovery that lay so near my heart, I gave my assent to the proposal that I should pay my uncle a visit, not only without reluctance, but even with an alacrity, to which an unwillingness to occasion so much pain to my mother as I saw the ex- pression of my real feelings on the subject would give her, mainly contributed. A sort of coxcombical feeling that perhaps after all I might like a young lady who, it was ten to one, might not like me, aided in deciding the matter, and I " gave in my adhesion " with a tolerably decent share of apparent resignation. My mother, however, was not so blind as to be insensible to my indifference on a subject which she had fondly flattered herself would have elicited far more vivid emotions ; still, as I expressed no disinclination to the measure, remon- strance was impossible, and she contented herself with MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 69 re-stating, in the most persuasive language of which she was mistress, the various and incalculable advan- tages attending the connection. Her endeavours were not wholly unsuccessful ; and after a day principally spent in reflection upon all the pros and cons of the business, I went to repose with a resolution of confirm- ing my willingness to avail myself immediately of his lordship's invitation, trusting to Providence and to events as they might arise, to enable me either to accept or decline the honour intended me. This I signified to my mother before I retired for the night, in such terms as again caused the beam of satisfaction and joy to sparkle in her eye. On the following day I again pursued my way towards that great emporium of the wealth of the Universe, which, as I firmly believed, con- tained, among its other treasures, the paragon of her sex. Remember, reader, I was then not twenty-two. The weather on this occasion was still more bois- terous and unpleasant than on the day of my journey into the country, but I neither marked its state nor felt the inconvenience of it. The road, the prospects, the very post-boys were all charming ; and, but that they were rather slow, the horses themselves would have had the benefit of that complacency with which I was now disposed to regard all nature, animate and inanimate except Mrs. Morgan. My mother had provided me with an introductory letter to Lord Manningham, expressing the satisfaction she had experienced at finding the sole surviving brother of her lamented Charles thus disposed to countenance and support his widow and only child, while she deeply regretted that the state of her own health was such as to render so long a journey im- prudent, not to say impossible, on her part. Of me, her son, she spoke in the fondest terms maternal aflfec- F 3 70 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. tion could dictate, and conjured him by the love which, as his letter evinced, he had borne the father, to ex- tend that love to the son. She added her eager coin- cidence in his half-expressed wish, and her anxious hope that his lordship would pay her a visit, at Under- down Hall, at the earliest opportunity which his en- gagements would afford him. A civil postscript from Sir Oliver, backing the latter request, completed this momentous despatch, which was delivered into my safe keeping, sealed, in due form, with a fine impression of the Bullwinkle arms, affixed by the Baronet himself, in a circle of sealing- wax the size: of a crown-piece. CHAPTER VIII. Assist me, chaste Dian, the Nymph to regain, More fleet than the roebuck, and wing'd with disdain ; The faster I follow the faster she flies, Though Daphne's pursued 'tis Myrtillo that dies. Duetto Affettuoso. NO NEWS NOT ALWAYS GOOD NEWS. TWO HEADS NOT ALWAYS BETTER THAN ONE. A SEARCH. A DISAPPOINTMENT. OFF SHE GOES. TALLYHO ! A CHASE. A DOUBLE. FAIRLY THROWN OUT. IT was late in the afternoon when I reached London ; but no sooner had I deposited my baggage safely in my old quarters, than I ran, without even changing my dress, or taking any refreshment, to Jermyn Street. My old friend Sally opened the door as usual ; but her countenance at once told me that she had nothing to communicate. " Neither of the ladies had called MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 71 since I was there last," and of course she had as yet had no opportunity of earning the stipulated reward ; but " she did not despair." Nor did I, though I could not help feeling sorely disappointed. Foiled once more, I returned to the hotel, and, having seated myself in the coffee-room, was slowly pulling to pieces and devouring the solitary muffin that accompanied my cup of coffee, with all the vacant deliberation of mental as well as corporeal lassitude, when a sudden slap on the shoulder induced me to raise my eyes, which immediately encountered an oblique glance from those of my Cousin Nicholas. I know not whether I have before remarked that my young relative, among his other accomplishments, possessed that of squinting in its most perfect fashion ; looking me, therefore, full in the face, while an ordinary observer would have believed one of his eyes to be directed to the opposite side of the room, and its fellow to the muffineer in my hand " Charles I " quoth he, "is it possible? I thought you had long ere this been at Underdown ! What ! been snug in town all the while ? eh, old Sober- sides? Ferreting out some wench for a hundred ! The little gipsy we picked up at the playhouse, eh ? " A very respectable portion of the best blood in my veins rushed into my face, as I indignantly repelled this injurious supposition, assuring my Cousin, in tones of greater asperity than usual, that, so far from having been lying perdu in London, or engaged in any un- worthy pursuit, I had actually been down to his father's, and was indeed but just returned to town. " Well, well, no great harm done, cousin Charles, had my guess been a true one, you might, perhaps, have been worse employed. But how goes it with old Squatetoes, and that dainty piece of dimity, Miss F 4 72 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. Kitty Pyefinch ? Curse her nankeen countenance ! I thought she would have kissed me when I left home, whether I would or not." " Nicholas/' said I, " Sir Oliver is as well as I have ever known him to be, together with all his friends, disrespectfully as you may choose to allude to some of them ; but come, let me question you in my turn: have you found out that is have you ever met again with those ladies whom we saw that evening at the Oratorio, and followed to Jermyn Street ? " " Not I that is not to speak to them. I fell in with the young tit indeed yesterday, walking with her bumpkin brother, but I cut them dead. Miss is too die-away for me. The old girl would be a better speculation by half, if she were not so deuced crummy." " But where, my dear Nicholas where did you meet with that charming I mean the girl you speak of?" " Oh, in the Strand, yesterday morning ; and I dare say she visits some people in that elegant neighbour- hood, for I saw her go into a house in one of the streets leading from it down towards the river." " Which street, my dear Nicholas ? " " No, not Wych Street ; one of those on the other side of the way; I do not know that I can tell you the name of it ; but, as you seem so anxious about the business, I dare say I could point it out to you, and the house too, for that matter, to-morrow." "Anxious? no, not at all I But, seriously, my good fellow, you will lay me under an essential obli- gation if you can show me the house, as the lady left something in my possession that evening, which, as a gentleman, I of course wish to return." " Why not go to her own house, then, at once, where we saw her go in with her mother and Master Sappy, after the music ?" MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 73 "Why, to tell you the truth, Nicholas, I have al- ready called there, and find that is not her residence, but merely the abode of one of her friends." " Well, Cousin Charles, I will help you, as far as I can, with all my heart. But why so close, man ? Why not say at once that you have taken a fancy to the girl, and want to beat up her quarters ?" It was with no small difficulty that I could command my temper sufficiently to listen to my Cousin's sar- castic inuendoes, which, through the fear of losing what information he might be able to give me, I dared not openly resent. He saw his power, and used it most unmercifully, tantalizing and tormenting me all the evening., in the course of which he managed to draw from me the reasons of my so sudden return to town, and my intended intercourse with Lord Man- ningham's family. At length he quitted me for the night, with a promise of accompanying me early the next morning in pursuit of my lovely fugitive, leaving me, however, still half in doubt whether he had not been all along playing upon my credulity, and whether the whole story of the rencontre in the Strand was not a pure fiction of his own inventing. Never did night appear so long as that which inter- vened between this evening of my return and the fol- lowing morning, which, as I fondly hoped, was destined to crown my wishes with success. I sprang from my bed as soon as the various sounds from below gave notice that the business of the day was commencing ; and, having roused my Cousin Nicholas, who slept in an adjoining chamber, made a hasty toilet, and wan- dered up and down the empty coffee-room till he should join me at breakfast, which I ordered immediately, in anticipation of his instant appearance. Twenty times had I compared the watch in my 74 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. hand with the dial in the room, twenty times had I turned with eagerness to the door, through which Nicholas did not enter, and full as often had I taken up, and laid down again, the Morning Herald, of which I found it impossible at present to read six con- secutive lines. Still he came not. At last, losing all patience, I once more flew up the stairs that led to his chamber, with strides that would not have disgraced an ogre ; I burst into his room, and found him fast asleep, as he was when I had called him an hour and twelve minutes before. Human nature could not endure this ; so, turning down the bed-clothes, and laying violent hands upon the ewer, I threatened him with a discipline similar to that inflicted on the unlucky pick-pocket, unless he immediately took the necessary measures for accom- panying me down stairs. This Mr. Bullwinkle once more solemnly promised to do ; but I was no longer in that state of patient acquiescence which would have enabled me to rest satisfied with his plighted faith. I therefore stationed myself obstinately by his bedside, till the great work of adorning and embellishing his person was completed, an operation which I could not at times help suspecting he took a malicious pleasure in protraciing to the latest possible period. In spite of all his delays, necessary and unnecessary, my Cousin Nicholas was at length accoutred ; and, after a breakfast which he seemed to me to be an age in devouring, we started off, arm in arm together, to- wards the Strand. But here the demon of disappoint- ment still pursued me ; Nicholas either could not, or would not, point out the precise street in which he had seen the object of my search ; and after leading me in vain up and down every street and lane between Temple Bar and Charing Cross, provokingly asserting MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 75 as he entered each, that he " was sure he was right at last," a prediction, the fallacy of which was proved the succeeding moment, he at length fairly confessed that " his recollection had certainly failed him for once, and that he really could not now tell which was the identical street in question, though he was per- fectly sure it must be one of them." " Hope deferred," saith the Wise Man, " maketh the heart sick ;" and, completely overcome with that uncomfortable sensation, I made but little resistance to the proposal he now made, that we should adjourn for a while to the nearest coffee-house, and recruit. Many of my readers will recollect one, of a third-rate description, called the Hungerford, long since swept from the face of the earth by the innovating hand of time, but which, at the period of which I am speaking, stood on the north side of the Strand, and nearly faced the market of the same name, which still exists, and retains its appellation ; sed quantum mutatus ab illo ! Into this asylum did I betake myself, weary and dispirited both in mind and body, and seated myself opposite to my companion, in one of the boxes near the window. My Cousin Nicholas called for a "basin of mock turtle," and I was persuaded to order another, rather with the view of keeping him in countenance, (though I must confess I do not recollect having ever seen him out of countenance,) and of whiling away the time till his satiated appetite should enable him to renew the search, than from any inclination on my part to eat. The " two mocks for number three " were at length despatched, and I was settling with the slipshod waiter who had brought them, for my Cousin, as usual, had no silver," when an exclamation from the latter at once took away all my attention. 76 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. " There she goes, by G ! " said Nicholas. " Who ? where ? " cried I, turning instantly to the window, and throwing the waiter who had just de- livered me the change for a five pound note, twice as much as he demanded. "As I live and breathe," quoth Nicholas, "she is in that green chariot yonder;" and as he spoke he made for the door. I gave but one look down the street, saw a showy- looking equipage proceeding at a brisk pace, and in- stantly turning, scarce gave myself time to thrust the " flimsies," as Nicholas called the one pound notes, into my pocket-book that lay on the table, ere I sprang after him. My Cousin was already in the street. With a degree of rapidity worthy of notice in the annals of pedestrianism, \ve made our way along that crowded thoroughfare ; the " green chariot" was still in view, and we were fast gaining upon it, when, in crossing what was then the end of St. Martin's Lane, I experienced the truth of that homely but respectable proverb, " The more haste the less speed ;" I stum- bled and fell. It was but the delay of a moment ; I was instantly on my legs again, and followed the di- rection which my Cousin declared the chariot had taken, but it was no longer in sight, and we had reached the Opera-House, in breathless precipitation, ere my companion stopped short, and observed, " he was afraid he must have been mistaken after all, and that the carriage had turned down towards Parliament Street." It was but too true ; we had indeed, in the sports- man's phrase, " overridden the hounds ;" and I was cursing the ill luck that seemed to delight in persecut- ing me, when a transient glimpse of Nicholas's face for the first time induced a suspicion of his sincerity. There was in the expression of his countenance a MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 77 something which conveyed at once to my mind a strong idea that he had purposely misled me; though wherefore, it was impossible for me to conjecture. " Bullwinkle ! " said I, stopping short, and fixing my eyes upon him, "you are deceiving me. They came not this way, apd you know it " " Upon my life, I fear so/' returned he, in an un- embarrassed tone, while his villanous obliquity of vision defied the inquisitorial glance I endeavoured to fix upon his eyes ; "I really think we must be wrong,'' he continued ; " but no matter ; a girl like her is easily unkenneled, if a man sets about the search in earnest ; come, come, Stafford, give up the chase for to-day, man. You have plenty of time before you, and a few of the mopusses, properly ad- ministered, will soon ferret her out, I warrant you ; or, at all events, they will find you another as good. I should like nothing better than to stay and lend you a helping hand, for this sort of adventure is rather in my way ; but, ' Stern Necessity's severe decree No more permits the willing choice to me ! ' as Kitty Pyefinch says. I must be off to Oxford again to-morrow, for I have been ill there so long, that, by Jove, they may take it into their infernally compassionate heads to look in and see whether I am alive or not ; so come, a dish of fish, a cutlet, and one bottle of Burgundy to wash it down, and then I leave you to discover and arrange matters, if you can, with this invisible insensible whom you have never seen but once, and prosecute your embryo amour with the delectable cousin whom you have never seen at all. For me, I am off once more inter sylvas academi qucerere verum" His open, unembarrassed manner staggered, if it 78 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. did not entirely remove, my suspicions. I was al- ready fatigued with walking the whole of the day, and accompanied him, therefore, the more readily to the Bedford, resolving to renew my search the next morning, and to leave no stone unturned to accom- plish a discovery which, the more that obstacles were thrown in its way, I seemed the more eagerly to desire. CHAPTER IX. If I be I, as I suppose I be, I've got a little dog at home, and he knows me : If I be I, he will wag his little tail, But if I be not I, he will then bark and rail. LITTLE WOMAN. MORE MYSTERY. AN ARRIVAL. AN AGREEABLE RENCONTRE. ANOTHER NOT SO AGREEABLE. SEEING IS NOT ALWAYS BELIEVING. A "ROW." WESTWARD HO ! LONG LOOKED FOR, FOUND AT LAST. ON rising the following morning I found that Nicho- las had for once kept faith ; he had already started for Oxford, nor was I at all sorry for the circum- stance. Indeed, I could not fail to call to mind the notorious propensity to mischief which he had dis- played from a boy a propensity which, instead of wearing out and disappearing as he advanced in years, had, as I well knew, " Grown with his growth, and strengthened with his strength." The more I considered his conduct during the pre- ceding day, the more I became convinced that I had been his dupe throughout ; and that at the very mo- MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 79 ment when he seemed to be most earnest in assisting my inquiries, he was in reality laughing at me in his sleeve, and enjoying my perplexity and disappoint- ment. His absence, therefore, I felt as a positive re- lief, rather than as an inconvenience, and I accordingly prepared to renew my researches by myself, deriving added confidence from the want of that very auxiliary on whom I had, only the day before, placed so much dependence. But before I again set out on my Quix- otic expedition, busy memory interfered most offi- ciously, and brought to my view, in very prominent colours, the ostensible purpose for which I had re- turned to London, the plighted promise I had given to my mother, that I would forthwith seek out my noble uncle and his fair daughter. Mrs. Stafford would, I knew, be exceedingly anxious to hear of my arrival and domestication in Lord Man- ningham's family. One day's delay might, fairly enough, be attributed to fatigue, &c. ; but a second would hardly admit of such, or indeed of any, excuse. I, therefore, though not without a feeling of reluc- tance almosfamounting to aversion, determined to go and present my letter of introduction to the " Honour- able Amelia Stafford," and her lordly papa. But here I soon found I was reckoning without my host ; the epistle so carefully indited by my mother, so much more carefully sealed and superscribed by Sir Oliver, and most carefully, as I imagined, deposited by myself within the voluminous folds of a patent pocket-book was nowhere to be found. In vain did I ransack the contents of the aforesaid pocket-book, in which I could have ventured to swear I had placed it with my own hand, and whence no- thing but the fact of the book's never having been for one moment out of my possession since my departure 80 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. from Underdown, could prevent my believing it to have been abstracted. In vain did I, as it were, evis- cerate every fold and every pocket the letter had totally disappeared. After a long-continued but fruitless search, I was endeavouring to recollect whether I might not, after all, in the hurry of my return, have left this fateful billet on my dressing-table at the Hall, when the con- viction at once struck me that I had, immediately on receiving it from my mother, placed it directly in my pocket-book, together with two others, one from Sir Oliver to his man of business, and one from Miss Kitty Pyefinch, "favoured by C. Stafford, Esq." to a milliner in Barbican, with whom she had some time before scraped an acquaintance at a watering-place, and had since regularly corresponded, once at least in every year, on the subject of the newest fashions. This last-named and most precious charge I had, im- mediately on my arrival in London, consigned to the vortex of the two-penny post, and now I began to tremble, lest, inadvertently, I might have committed the missing epistle to the same receptacle ; but this, I soon perceived, could not have been the case, as, on a re-examination, I not only found my uncle's letter to his agent, but also another in the closest juxta-position to it, evidently usurping the place of the deficient billet. This was a supernumerary of which I had no recollec- tion, and was addressed to " James Arbuthnot, Esq. British Coffee-house, Cockspur-street.'* Who on earth Mr. James Arbuthnot could possibly be, or how a letter directed to him could find its way into my pocket, was to me as absolute a mystery as the quadrature of the circle, the determination of the longitude, or the discovery of the philosopher's stone. There, however, it was, and, as the seal was MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 81 already broken, I felt little compunction in intruding upon the privacy of a gentleman who had some how or other contrived, most unwittingly on my side, to make me a party to his correspondence. The contents of the letter were as follow: "SiR, I vas to meet you at de Tennis Court on Vensday, as you tell me, about that leetle annuity, bote you vas not come. The business can't be done all so cheap as vat I thought ; bote if the gentlemans vas abofe seventy, den I can get my frend to do de post obit at twenty-six. " Yours most obediently, " AARON XIMENES. "P.S. The premiums will only be six and a half." Never did response, written or unwritten, from the Pythian Tripod, or any other oracle of antiquity, exercise the wits of curious inquirer more than did this mystic scroll puzzle and perplex my wondering facul- ties. Difficult as it was to decipher the hieroglyphics themselves, their purport, and, above all, the mode in which they could have insinuated themselves into their present situation, was still more mysterious. The more I racked my brain to account for it, the more bewildered I became. One thing, however, was cer- tain, and, when I came to reflect more coolly upon the matter, I was not altogether sorry for it. The letter to Lord Manningham was undoubtedly lost, and I there- fore hesitated not to avail myself of this circumstance to defer my visit to Grosvenor-Square, contenting myself with writing to my mother, informing her of the occurrence, and requesting that she would cause my room at the Hall to be examined for the missing epistle, and that, in the event of its not being forth- coming, she would furnish me with a new set of G 82 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. credentials. The time which must necessarily inter- vene I determined to employ in a renewed and energetic pursuit after my incognita. I did not in the mean time forget to make inquiries in Cockspur Street after " James Arbuthnot, Esq." A gentleman of that name had, as I was told, occa- sionally slept there, and letters were sometimes left at the bar for him ; but he had not been there lately, nor did they recollect that any letter whatever had been taken in for him for some time. With this information, meagre and unsatisfactory as it was, I was obliged for the present to remain contented. My mornings were passed in parading the streets, my evenings in visiting various places of amusement, in the vain hope of once more encountering the idol of my imagination. The day passed by on which I might have received an answer from my mother ; but it came not, and I rejoiced in the delay. On the fifth evening, I was sitting, as usual, after a long and useless peregrination, execrating my unlucky stars, and revolving a thousand plans, each more visionary than the last, for the attainment of my object, when Sir Oliver Bullwinkle, in his own proper person, entered the coffee-room. Had the spectre of the revered Sir Roger risen from the superincumbent dust of ages, in all his Norman panoply, and presented himself before me, refulgent in chain mail, I could scarcely have received the visitation with a more theatric start. That any circumstance at all short of an earthquake, or the stoppage of a country bank, could have possessed sufficient interest to draw the good baronet thirty miles from home, I could never have conceived but to the metropolis I to that scene of villany, fraud, and ignorance! ay, of ignorance, for "what can people know, that is worth knowing, who never go a-hunting MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 83 above once a-year, and then only on an Easter Tuesday in a hackney-coach !" This had frequently formed a favourite theme of discourse for my uncle on a winter's evening, at Underdown Hall, especially after the news contained in some recent missive from Miss Kitty's city correspondent had been duly detailed and com- mented upon by that erudite fair. Much then did I marvel at seeing the baronet, despite the sovereign contempt he ever felt and expressed for them, thus mixing with the " ignoramuses " of London ; and not a little did I speculate upon the magnitude of that cause which could operate to the voluntary introduc- tion of his person among so barbarous a race. But the half ironical smile which had begun to con- tract the corners of my mouth expanded at once into an expression of the most unfeigned gratitude, when I found that the moral convulsion which had divorced the kind soul from his Household Gods, and plunged him thus headlong into scenes which he abominated, was neither more nor less than the anxiety which he felt for the welfare of my unworthy self. The receipt of my letter had caused much consternation at the Hall; that from my mother to Lord Manningham could nowhere be found in the places which I had desired might be searched ; and my affectionate parent had determined, after a long and fruitless inquiry on the subject, on recommencing her task, when, to the utter surprise of herself and everybody else, Sir Oliver suddenly announced his resolution of being the bearer of it. " The boy," he said, " was clearly not able to make his way in town like a man every one might have seen, too, when he was last down at the Hall, that his wits were gone wool-gathering and he would go and see him well through the business himself." It is need- G 2 84 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. less to say that his offer was accepted with the liveliest gratitude by a mother anxious for the well-being of her child, though more than a doubt would sometimes cross her mind, if her brother's personal interference could, in the present case at least, contribute to it ; but the good-humoured eagerness to be of service to me which he displayed, and the vehement invectives he launched forth against the villany and temptations of London in the abstract, (of which in the detail he had about as much knowledge and experience as a child of four years old, or a native of Timbuctoo,) made Mrs. Stafford contented, nay, even anxious that he should set out forthwith to cover me with his protecting aegis, and ward off the dangers with which the loss of so valuable an article as a letter of introduction declared me necessarily to be surrounded. My poor Uncle was about as well fitted for the task of guiding a youth through the labyrinthian ways of London, as of being Mufti to the Sublime Porte ; but he thought otherwise, and his motives were the kindliest and most affection- ate. Peace be with his ashes ! With much circumlocution, and an air of fatherly protection, to me, who knew the worthy baronet's habits so well, irresistibly ludicrous, he communi- cated his intentions in coming to London, and, felici- tating both me and himself most warmly on his having so readily met with me, expressed his determination of taking a quiet pipe and a tankard, as he had dined upon the road, and of postponing matters of business until the morrow. There \vas much, however, in this arrangement of Sir Oliver's objectionable, not to say impracticable. In the first place, not even a cigar (to say nothing of tobacco-pipes) was allowed in the room, nor was " a tankard " much more accessible ; besides, the social MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 85 " dish of chat " with me, which he seemed to consider an appendage of course, would have interfered very materially with the plan I had already chalked out for the evening. Notwithstanding my numerous disap- pointments, hope had not yet entirely forsaken me ; and I had fully resolved on visiting one, at least, of the theatres, as usual, in the faint expectation of being able to recover among the audience some traces of the beautiful phantom which had hitherto eluded me. I had nothing for it, therefore, but to state plainly to Sir Oliver the impossibility of his gratifying himself at present in the manner proposed, and to solicit his joining me in a cup of coffee, and subsequent adjourn- ment to Drury Lane ; after which I pledged myself to accompany him to a place where, amidst less sophisti- cated souls, he might solace himself to satiety with his favourite beverage and amusement. With much the same sort of surly acquiescence as that with which a traveller surrenders to a footpad the purse he had no means of withholding, Sir Oliver, finding me positive, gave a grumbling assent, and to Drury Lane we pro- ceeded. Many years had elapsed since the Baronet had visited the interior of a London theatre, and the bril- liancy of the lights, the elegance of the house, the beauty of the scenery and decorations, together with the business of the stage, had an effect almost bewil- dering upon his faculties. Mine, too, were scarcely more at liberty, since, in hearing and replying to his various remarks and multifarious questions, my own senses were so completely occupied as to leave a person less interested than myself little leisure or opportunity for the scrutiny which was my real induce- ment to attend the performance. By degrees, indeed, in listening to and answering Sir Oliver's very original G 3 86 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. observations, the main purpose of my coming had almost faded from my memory, when it was at once most forcibly brought to my recollection by an appari- tion in an opposite box, which acted upon me with the effect of a galvanic battery. This was the gaunt figure of the ever-to-be-abominated Mrs. Morgan, seated in close confabulation with the supposed mamma of my unknown charmer, in a front row on the second tier. Not a little to the astonishment, and the very visible dismay, of Sir Oliver, I cut him hastily short in an elaborate harangue on the wonderful properties of gas, and the ingenuity of its, then recent, introduction into our national theatres, and briefly telling him that I had just caught sight of a college acquaintance, in an op- posite box, whom I particularly wished to speak to, begged his excuse for a few minutes, while I should make to my friend a communication of some conse- quence; then, pledging myself to rejoin him in a quarter of an hour at farthest, I gave him no time to utter the objection I saw already hovering on his lips, but bowed and left him, running, with all the eagerness of a boy after a butterfly, towards the place which contained the object of my pursuit. Never did weary palmer, after a long and laborious pilgrimage, enter the shrine of his patron saint with more of satisfaction, awe, and reverence, than filled my palpitating bosom, as I seated myself behind Mrs. Morgan and her friend. A significant glance passed between them as I entered, and, with a voice faltering from emotion, paid my compliments to both. My re- ception from either party was sufficiently cool to have rebuffed any one who had less imperious motives for cultivating an acquaintance. Their replies to my re- marks, and congratulations upon their good looks, MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 87 were cold, constrained, and barely within the bounds of civility ; while the sarcastic expression of Mrs. Morgan's eye, when I at last hazarded an inquiry to her companion after the health of " the young lady whom I once had the happiness of seeing in her com- pany," showed me at once that the motives of my at- tentions were, by her at least, duly appreciated. I failed not also to perceive that this question put the good lady to whom it was addressed into no small flutter ; she fumed and fidgeted, and appeared so uneasy during every allusion I made to the subject of our former meeting, and evaded giving me any direct answer so very inartificially, that I no longer imagined, what I had never indeed entirely believed, that any maternal ties, at all events, existed between her and my charmer ; I felt convinced, on the contrary, that a secret of some kind or other, and evidently one very burdensome in the keeping, prevented her from giving me all the information I required. I employed all the address I was master of to overcome their undisguised dislike to my society, and by my perseverance had at length so far succeeded in thawing the ice, even of the frosty-faced Morgan, as to induce her to reply to my remarks in a tone which might almost have been considered as approaching to civility ; I had begun to flatter myself that I should obtain by sap what had defied my efforts at storming I had actually gained so much as to discover that the name of my friend on the left hand was Wilkinson, and that she filled the important situation of housekeeper in a family of rank at the " West End of the Town " when a bustle in the box which I had quitted forcibly drew off my attention. A momentary glance was sufficient to satisfy me that the principal actor in the disturbance was Sir Oliver Bullwinkle. G 4, 88 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. That he was engaged in a serious dispute with some one, the vehemence of the good Baronet's gesticula- tion would not allow me to doubt, while now and then an upper note of his, audible in preponderating shrill- ness, above all the forcible recommendations to " Turn 'em out !" and "Throw 'em over ! " generally applied on such occasions by the denizens of the upper regions, in the forlorn hope of transferring objects of annoy- ance from themselves to their friends below, con- firmed the fact. The person of the antagonist, who appeared to have drawn down upon himself such a torrent of wrath and vituperation from the exasperated Baronet, was concealed from my view by the inter- vening bystanders, some of whom seemed, by their gestures, inclined to take an active part in the fray. Every feeling of my mind naturally revolted against seeing my uncle, although, as I knew, " himself a^ host," thus matched single-handed against such ap- parently fearful odds, and I hastened to his assistance, first apologizing to my new friends for my abruptness in quitting them, and begging permission to return and escort them home at the conclusion of the per- formance. Whether my very polite offer met with acceptance or denial, I am unable to say, as at that moment I fancied I saw Sir Oliver's arm raised in the act of striking, and, without waiting to distinguish the answer, I closed the box-door, and ran off. On arriving at the supposed scene of combat, I found I was just too late for the fray : my uncle's opponent, having been carried off by a friend just as the dispute had reached its climax, was already de- scending one of the staircases that led to the lobbies. I saw nothing of his person, save that a casual glance showed me a figure wrapped up in a light-coloured MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 89 riding-coat, while some broken exclamations, uttered either by himself or his companion, respecting the " old fellow's infernal impudence," were alone dis- tinguishable. A considerable degree of confusion still prevailed within the box, and, as Sir Oliver's safety was my first object, to that point I of course directed my attention. I found the Baronet, with a face as red as a peony, fuming and perspiring at every pore, while, with all the vehemence of a Methodist preacher at a country wake, he was alternately remonstrating and insisting on his right to chastise some one who appeared to have incurred the heaviest weight of his displeasure, and this to the great amusement of a portion of his audience, and the marked indignation of others. As his eye fell upon me, he changed the object of his attack. " So, sir, here you are at last ! This is your ten minutes, is it ? Why were you not here, sir, to have broken that puppy's neck ? " " Be calm, my dear Sir Oliver, let me beg you to be calm; consider where you are, and " "Consider the d 1, sir. Calm! I will never be calm again. I have a right to be in a passion, and I will. Abuse me like a pickpocket ! threaten to pull my nose ! a Bullwinkle's nose! I'll massacre the rascal, I'll " " My dear uncle, pray let me persuade you to with- draw ; your antagonist is gone already : in a fitter place we can talk this matter over, and if any one has insulted you " " Insulted me ! didn't I tell you he swore he would pull my nose ? threatened to horsewhip me?" " Well, well, uncle, pray let us retire ; this person, 90 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. whoever he may be, is undoubtedly to be found, and doubt not but I shall be ready " " You be ready ! you be d ! Found ! What ! I suppose you mean to join in the plot to persuade me out of my senses you too mean to confederate with that imp of the devil's begetting, Nicholas, to drive me mad ! " " Indeed, Sir, I do not ; I know nothing of my Cousin's plans, nor do I see how he can be at all concerned in the present business, as he is now at Oxford." " It's a lie it's an infernal lie the scoundrel I it was Nick, and I'll swear it. But I'll work the dog ! D him! I'll disinherit him I'll not leave him so much land as would fill a flower-pot a rascal ! horsewhip me ! pull my nose ! " I was thunderstruck ! My Cousin Nicholas then was the object of all this excess of indignation but it was impossible Nicholas, with all his addiction to mischief, could never have gone such lengths as Sir Oliver spoke of ; besides, I was morally certain that he had now been at Oxford more than a week. At all events the point to be gained at present was to get my uncle away ; and this, partly through the assistance of Sir John Allanby, a college friend who had once accompanied me on a visit to the Hall, and who at this period joined me, I at length succeeded in accom- plishing. We adjourned to the New Hummums, Sir Oliver absolutely foaming with rage, like a fresh-drawn bottle of his favourite Edinburgh ale in the dog-days. He was, indeed, " completely up." Having obtained a private room, and ordered some refreshment, I allowed my uncle's fury some time to evaporate inj before I hazarded a question as to the origin of his discom- MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 91 posure. After a slight repast, at which the Baronet, in spite of his anger, played his part to admiration, a plentiful supply of his favourite beverage soothed him into some degree of returning mansuetude, till the ebullition of his fury at length " in hollow murmurs died away." Then, and not till then, did I venture a query as to the particulars of his adventure, and learned, amidst many interruptions, occasioned by his oft rekindling ire, that I had not quitted his side five minutes before a person in a drab riding-frock entered the box, whom Sir Oliver, notwithstanding his dress, which was cut in the very extreme of the fashion, his dark moustaches and military spurs, at once recognised as his own son. "Nick!" cried Sir Oliver in amaze, "Nick, can I believe my eyes ? What the d 1 are you doing here, sir, when I believed you to be hard at your studies ? Nick, I say, come back directly, you rascal, and answer me ? " The gentleman whom he addressed, having merely cast a cursory glance round the theatre, was retiring, when the latter part of the Baronet's speech caught his attention. For an instant he paused, half turning to a friend who leaned upon his arm, as if under the im- pression that the words must have been directed to him ; but seeing no indication in his countenance of that having been the case, he once more faced about, and asked in a tone of astonishtnent, " Did you address yourself to me, sir ? " " To you, sir? ay, to be sure whom else do you think I spoke to ? I tell you what, Nick " " Really, sir, you have the advantage of me/' inter- rupted the other ; " I do not recollect that I have ever had the honour of your acquaintance." " Why, you impertinent puppy ! " thundered Sir 92 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. Oliver, lost in amaze at what he conceived to be the unparalleled impudence of his own offspring, " do you mean to deny me ? Do you mean to tell me to my face that you are not my son, Nicholas Bull- winkle ? " " Upon my word, sir, I lament to say that I am not fortunate enough to possess so mild and engaging a papa," returned his antagonist, whose surprise at this attack seemed now to be fast merging in the amuse- ment he began to derive from it; " arid I much fear," added he, " that even if I were inclined to admit your claim to paternity, and to solicit your blessing in the hope of soon enjoying a thumping legacy, my mamma would by no means be disposed to sanction your pre- tensions, being, as she is, already provided with a respectable elderly gentleman, whom she has long since honoured with the title of lord and master, and complimented as the author of my being. Eh ? Sybthorpe, what think you ? " " Ho ! ho ! ho ! Famous, Tommy, ' pon honour 1 " shouted Mr. Sybthorpe. Horace has with great truth, as well as shrewdness, observed, that " Segniiis irritant animos demissa per aurem, Quara quaa sunt oculis subjecta fidelibus ; " and my uncle, in this trying moment, confirmed the truth of the poet's testimony. Had any one told Sir Oliver that his son Nicholas had slipped away from college, and taken a clandestine trip to London, in all probability the account would have been received without much manifestation of surprise, and with no great degree of indignation against what, if we may draw any inference from his usual mode of reasoning on hearing of any of my cousin's freaks, he would, in all MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 93 probability, have considered as a youthful frolic, not altogether unbecoming a " lad of spirit." But when he found himself, as he supposed, most unexpectedly brought into immediate contact with him in the very act of his delinquency, and, above all, laughed at, absolutely disowned, and, to use a favourite phrase of his own, " made quite a May-game of" by his lively offspring ; when, too, it is recollected that he, in general, only approved of, and smiled at, Nicholas's flights of fancy, so long as his wit was directed against others, it need occasion no surprise if his anger now knew no bounds, but amounted almost to frenzy. It was with difficulty he found words to express his feel- ings with, but when they did come forth, they rushed along in an animated flow of overbearing eloquence, as the long pent-up torrent, having once surmounted the barriers opposed to it, springs forward with tenfold energy from the temporary restraint it has experienced. Stunning as was its effect, the stranger, whom he per- sisted in calling his son, once more met him in midway, but his countenance had now lost the ironical gravity which gave point to his last speech, and assumed a severer cast, as he exclaimed, " Hold, Mr. Bullwinkle, if that be your name. I see your mistake, and can pardon it, as it seems to arise from a resemblance, real or fancied, between myself and some member of your family. On that account, as well as in consi- deration of your age and respectable appearance, I can excuse the language which you have just suffered to escape your lips ; but, sir, it must not be repeated. If you wish to know my name, it is Hanbury, sir Captain Hanbury, of the Coldstream Guards " "It is a lie! it's Nicholas Bullwinkle, and no- thing else," roared Sir Oliver, half mad with passion " but I '11 be even with you, you scoundrel ; I '11 dis- 94 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. inherit you, you ungrateful dog; I'll cut you off with a shilling; I'll" " Silence ! old madman," cried the now angry offi- cer ; " another such word, and not even your years shall protect your shoulders from my horsewhip, or your nose from an application that may bring you to your senses ! " This was too bad ; and the Baronet, in the excess of his rage, raised his cane, but the impending blow was immediately intercepted by the spectators, who now interfered, and compelled Sir Oliver to desist, while Captain Hanbury, though not a little irritated, was prevailed upon by his friend Sybthorpe and others, just as I came up, to withdraw, nor continue an alter- cation with an old man, who was either mad or drunk, and one which could not but end discreditably to all concerned, if it were any farther pursued. The principal part of these particulars I drew from Sir John Allanby, who, from an adjoining box, had witnessed a great part of the dispute ; for Sir Oliver, though his wrath was somewhat abated, in the violence of its expression at least, was still too angry to give anything like a connected account of the fracas. Two things struck me as being very unaccountable in this business, nor, after cool consideration, could I come to any decided opinion upon the merits of the case. In the first place, it was exceedingly impro- bable that a father could have been so deceived by any common similarity of person as to pronounce, and persist in declaring, an absolute stranger to be his only son ; that in figure, in voice, in countenance, (barring the whiskers, which might have been assumed,) the resemblance should be so perfect as to impose upon one so well qualified to judge of the identity, was hardly to be conceived. And yet, on the Other hand, MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 95 every other circumstance tended to support the pro- bability that a strong personal likeness had indeed deceived Sir Oliver. The whole conduct of the indi- vidual attacked was precisely that of a man mistaken for another of whom he has no knowledge ; and his behaviour, though on such a supposition it might even be entitled to the praise of forbearance, was still not such as a son, however well inclined he might be to carry on a deception of the kind, could be imagined capable of practising towards a parent. It was impos- sible to believe that even Nicholas could threaten to violate the sanctity of a father's person, or dare to menace his gray hairs with indignity and outrage. Then, too, the name Captain Hanbury, if such he were, had made no secret of his rank and character, while the proximity of the honourable corps of which he professed himself a member, laid him open, if an impostor, to almost immediate detection. This last argument, I must confess, weighed most strongly with me, as I could not bring myself to be- lieve that the natural sagacity of Nicholas would ever allow him to commit himself so far as to assume a name, his pretensions to which might be so easily and so soon disproved. At my suggestion, after the matter had been pretty well canvassed, the Army List for the month was procured from the coffee-room, and examined, and there certainly, among the number of lieutenants in the Coldstream, all bearing of course the rank of captain, stood the name of Thomas Walton Hanbury. This fact tended much to incline me to- wards the latter opinion ; and Sir Oliver himself, now that the object of his wrath was removed from his view, was, as I could see, staggered, especially when Allanby, repeating the name two or three times over, as if to aid some faded recollection, declared that he 96 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. had a vague idea of having somewhere or other either met with, or heard of, a Captain Hanbury of the Guards, and that the impression upon his mind was, that the person who bore that name was a young man of family and honour, though said to be rather too much addicted to enjoying, in their fullest extent, the pleasures afforded by the metropolis. At this account, Sir Oliver, in whose opinion Sir John held a high rank, became evidently more thought- ful and embarrassed. At length he exclaimed, " I'll tell you what, nephew Charles, nothing on earth but my own eyes shall ever convince me that the jacka- napes who threatened to pull my nose two hours ago, was not my Nick! But I'll be resolved: Yes, be- fore I utterly send him to the d 1, I'll be resolved. I'll hamper the puppy. My determination is taken. By daybreak to-morrow, I'll be off to Oxford, and, wo betide the rascal, if I find that he has been outside the College gates for this month past ! " There is a particular breed of animals, which cour- tesy forbids me to name, proverbial for the resistance they oppose to any one who would lead or drive them. Sir Oliver, when his resolution was once taken, was scarcely less persevering than the most obstinate porker of them all. In vain did I suggest the avowed reason of his coming to town, and the anxiety I la- boured under to be properly introduced to Lord Man- ningham, though, sooth to say, I was not altogether sorry for what I considered as at least a respite, if not a reprieve. My uncle was positive ; and after having opposed him as long as I thought decency required, I was at length obliged to acquiesce in his determina- tion. He put into my hands the re-written letter of my mother, which he told me I might present myself on the morrow if I pleased ; and I heard him, with no small satisfaction, on our return to the hotel, order a MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 97 post-chaise to be in readiness the next morning at five o'clock, to carry him the first stage on his way to Alma Mater. When I rose the next day, I found that he had been gone four hours, and was by that time about half-way on the road to the place of his destination. Let not the reader think, meanwhile, that I had for- gotten my engagement with Mesdames Wilkinson and Morgan. Far from it. I had taken advantage of a temporary cessation in the conversation, while Sir Oliver was deeply engaged with his lobster, and leav- ing Allanby to entertain him, had slipped back to the theatre, in order to keep my appointment. But I might have well saved myself the trouble, inasmuch as the parties I was in quest of had already quitted the house, not wishing, in all probability, to avail themselves of the services of so forward a cavalier as myself. This, however, gave me much less disturbance than it other- wise would have done, as I was now in possession of the name and occupation of Mrs. Wilkinson, and felt little doubt but that, with such a clew, a very trifling degree of patience and perseverance would enable me to ascertain her abode. I therefore returned, and re- joined the two baronets, having been hardly missed by either the one or the other. Full of newly-raised hopes from the auspicious ren- contre of the preceding evening, I was despatching my breakfast with much more deliberation and satisfac- tion than I had done of late, when the waiter delivered me a letter, just brought in by the two-penny post, and, as far as I could decipher the hieroglyphics which composed the superscription, intended for my- self. It was addressed to " Mustar Stuffart, Taffystork Hothell, " Coffin Carding." 98 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. and contained the following communication : " SUR, " I haf fund out hoo the ladies you nose about ham, han wear they is ; ban this is hall I dares to sey, for fire of haccidence ; but hif you wil com to wear your nose, han wring has husal, you shal larn more frum " Your loven Sarvant " tell deth, " SAUY JENNENS." " Sicks a'clock, " Vensday hafternone." Never did that egregious antiquary, Thomas Hearne, chuckle with greater delight over a newly- deciphered Celtic inscription, than did I on unravelling the hidden meaning of this, to me most precious of manuscripts. I kissed the dear dirty piece of paper, and delicious pot-hooks, a thousand times ; and scarcely did that favourite device of Cupid's signet, the deep indentation of the thimble-top on the half- masticated wafer, escape the same vivid token of my regard. I could not doubt but that my better genius had at length surmounted the various provoking ob- stacles thrown in his way by the demon of mischance, and that I was at last to be made happy with tiie in- telligence I had so long and so eagerly desired to obtain. Oh ! how I blessed the happy quarrel of the preceding evening, which, by so opportunely removing Sir Oliver from the scene of action, left me free as air to follow the dictates of my own inclination, without the interruption and restraint which his presence would necessarily have imposed. I lost not a moment in re- pairing to Jermyn Street, nor did Miss Jennens keep me long in suspense. She told me that all her endea- vours to discover who the ladies were, or whence they came, had been ineffectual till the day before, when, to her great joy, the elder of them came once more in MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 99 a hackney-coach, to call on Mrs. Morgan ; that on her going up stairs, she, Sally, had taken an oppor- tunity of questioning the coachman as to the place whence he had brought his fare. A proffered pot of the infusion of molasses and coculus Indicus, by cour- tesy termed beer, rendered honest Jarvis communica- tive, and obtained her the information she wanted. He had brought the lady from No. 84 in Grosvenor Square, where she lived, as he inferred from what fell from one of the servants who put her into the coach, in the capacity of housekeeper. Sally added, that after taking tea together, the lady and Mrs. Morgan had gone to the play, whence they returned earlier than usual in a coach ; that " the lady " did not then get out, but merely set her companion down ; after which my informant distinctly heard the order given to " drive to 84-. Grosvenor Square." While Sally Jennens was finishing her account, my hands were already employed in rummaging my pocket-book for the letter which had been, the evening before, given to me by my uncle. It was readily found, and I hastily re-perused its address. I was before sure I could not have mistaken it. It was the same " To the Right Hon. Viscount Manningham, Grosvenor Square, London," with the magic number, " 84," legibly inscribed in the O.P. angle. The very house ! Closely did I cross-examine the chamber-maid re- specting her certainty of the correctness of the number. The girl was positive, and her testimony was repeated with the firmness of a Jew qualifying for bail at the Old Bailey, while I hardly knew whether to hope or fear that her story might be true in all its parts. She persisted, however, that she had heard the number distinctly on both occasions, and that she could not be H 2 100 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. mistaken. I gave her a reward, which produced me in return a curtsey down to the ground, and retired, exceedingly mystified and much puzzled as to my fu- ture mode of proceeding. Was it possible that my fair incognita was indeed domesticated with Mrs. Wilkinson, and residing under Lord Manningham's roof? and, if so, in what capa- city? or was she but a friend of the housekeeper, who had taken her to the theatre ? Could it be that she was Miss Stafford herself? The idea startled as it struck me, but I dismissed it sorrowfully from my mind as unlikely, and indeed absurd. The utter im- probability that the Honourable Amelia Stafford, the admired heiress of one of the most wealthy and respected noblemen in the three kingdoms, should ac- company a domestic to the pit at Covent Garden ; or that, even if she were inclined so to commit herself, her father, whose notions of decorum and etiquette, especially where females were concerned, were re- markably rigid that he should permit so great a violation of both, and that, too, without any adequate motive it was not possible to believe it. One circumstance alone seemed at the first view to favour the supposition. A carriage, it appeared, at- tended too by servants, had called on the eventful evening when I first saw the party, and conveyed them away from Mrs. Morgan's; but I had omitted to inquire whether it had in the first instance carried them there, and for the servants of gentlemen in London to make use of the carriages of their masters, after setting them down at their various engagements, and to employ the said carriages during the interval, at the expiration of which their attendance would be again required, was, as I well knew, no uncommon occurrence. MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 101 Or it might be, that this young lady was the daughter of some person in a respectable station in life, and intrusted temporarily to Mrs. Wilkinson's care a supposition which was much strengthened by the marked deference which I could not fail to remark in the good woman's behaviour towards her, and which had first given rise to the idea that the parties were not connected by any ties of consanguinity ; this idea, too, derived added confirmation from certain points in Mrs. Wilkinson's demeanour when I encountered her for the second time. All these conjectures, however, led to no satisfactory termination, nor could I draw any certain conclusion from combining them. As to the booby who made the third person in the party, I easily ascertained from Sally that he was a son of Mrs. Morgan's, and a junior clerk in one of the public offices. Deeply immersed in cogitation, as I wandered through the now crowded streets, scarcely knowing whither I was walking, my feet seemed instinctively to convey me towards the quarter whither my thoughts had already strayed, and I found myself, all at once, perambulating the northern side of Grosvenor Square. The door of an elegant mansion in the angle near- est to me stood open ; a respectable-looking man- servant, in a plain suit, was in the entrance, while two others, in handsome liveries of green and gold, were employed in opening the door of a fashionable, dark- green, town-chariot, (the panels of which were simply ornamented by a plain crest, surmounted by a vis- count's coronet,) and assisting its occupants to alight. A tall, gentlemaniy-looking personage, in an undress military blue frock, with his hair en queue, and his striking figure a little bowed by age, stepped out first, and turning, offered his hand to facilitate the descent H 3 102 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. of a beautifully- formed female figure, whose plain white satin spencer, and Spanish hat of the same deli- cate material, exhibited to advantage a person cast in the truest mould of elegance and grace. As she tripped lightly into the hall, she half turned to adjust some little derangement of her dress ; and one glimpse only, hastily caught beneath the snowy plume that vibrated gracefully above her polished brow, was suffi- cient to impress upon my mind the recollection of a countenance which, once seen, could never again be eradicated from my memory. It was herself, ra- diant in excess of loveliness, and looking, if possible, even more beautiful than when I had last beheld her. I hastened forward, unconscious of what I pur- posed ; but it was too late. The door had already closed, and shut her from my view. "Lord Manningham's carriage, I believe?" said I to the servant, who was now mounting the box, after having drawn up the blinds of the chariot, and closed the door. " It is, sir," he replied, respectfully touching his hat, and in a moment the vehicle was out of sight. I could no longer doubt. This then was the beau- tiful Amelia Stafford! the fair being who was already prepared to look with so favourable an eye upon the addresses of her unknown admirer, and who was already the idolized object of that favoured and happy mortal ! I hesitated no more ; doubt, fear, and anxiety, at once gave way before the renovating warmth of love, as the dews of morn before the rising beams of a brilliant summer sun. The urgency of my summons brought a servant immediately to the door. "Inform Lord Manningham," said I, "that Mr. Charles Stafford requests to be admitted to his pre- MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 103 sence." I heard the man deliver the message at a door which opened from the entrance hall to a break- fast parlour on the right. The recollection of my gallant father, whose beloved brother would so soon press me to his heart, kindled my enthusiasm, and filled my young bosom with ten thousand nameless emotions. I had already advanced half across the hall, in my eagerness to grasp the hand of a rela- tive Avho had evinced such noble sentiments, such generous intentions, in my favour, burning to meet his paternal caresses with a due return of correspondent warmth, when I heard these words issue from the interior of the room towards which I was advancing, as they were delivered to the servant who had an- nounced me, and who yet stood with the door half- open in his hand " Mr. Charles Stafford! Turn the scoundrel out of the house instantly, and never suffer him to enter these doors again ! !" CHAPTER X. " Obstupui, steteruntque comae, et vox faucibus hsesit. " VIRG. In amaze I gaze, And in all sorts of ways Stands my hair, when my voice I endeavour to raise I find through my jaws I can't squeeze it ! A "PRETTY PARTICULAR HANDSOME FIX." ASTONISHMENT. INDIGNATION. TWO LETTERS, AND ONE ANSWER. READER, if thou art a sportsman, thou hast doubtless often seen, in some fine thick stubble of newly-reaped H 4 104" MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. wheat, or equally attractive covert of umbrageous turnip, the well-trained Don, or stanchest Ponto, check him- self suddenly in full career, and become, on the in- stant, fixed, immovable ; every limb and muscle stretched to its utmost tension, and scarcely exhibiting any sign of life. Or if as I would fain flatter myself may be the case if thou art some amiable and accomplished young lady, who, despite the warning voice of " Mamma," and the harsher remonstrances of " Papa," art in the habit of soothing the soft sorrows of thy sentimental soul by the perusal of the last new novel, to while away the tedious moments until " the captain" calls then hast thou, as undoubtedly, in the course of thy studies, fallen in with that wonderful account of the Petrified City, in which men, women, children, dogs, cats, old maids, and other domestic animals, are described as standing transformed to stone, each in the precise attitude which it had assumed at the moment of the miraculous and sudden metamorphosis. This city, by the way, certain modern travellers assure us, is still in esse, and to be found somewhere between Tunis and Timbuctoo ; though none of them, as far as I can find, have actually made their bivouac within its precincts. Or if thou art of " the Livery," Reader, then hast thou, perchance, beheld the Alderman of thy Ward, at my Lord Mayor's feast, with fixed eye, and dropping jawbone, sink back into his elbow-chair, after his ninth basin of callipee. Or if thou art a Bachelor of Arts, thou hast read, it may be, (for I would not hazard an assertion rashly,) of the singular properties of the Gorgon's head, and of the Knaresborough Well that turned an elderly gentleman's wig into stone in fifteen seconds. MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 105 If, unhappily, thou art none of all these, then must I despair of conveying to thy mind anything like a correct idea of the absolute immobility of form and feature, the utter suspension of animation which paralysed all my faculties, as sounds so unexpected and inauspicious struck thus suddenly on my senso- rium ! nor had I in any degree recovered myself, when the servant, a respectable-looking man, having closed the parlour-door, returned and informed me, in a hesitating tone, " His Lordship had commanded him to say, that neither at present, nor at any future period, would it be convenient for him to receive the visits of Mr. Charles Stafford." Aghast as I was, I at length recovered myself so far as to reply, that I was confident there must be some mistake in the matter, as I had come on Lord Man- ningham's own express invitation, and was indeed his lordship's nephew. The man firmly, but respectfully, replied, that he was certain no mistake had been com- mitted in the name, and that his lord's orders were peremptory. Not choosing therefore to enter into an altercation with a servant, and indeed, but too well convinced, by the evidence of my own ears, that the man had softened, rather than aggravated the harshness of the message of which he was the bearer, I quitted the house, and regained the street, in a state of con- fusion, arising from mingled anger, mortification, and disappointment at once pitiable and ludicrous. " So then ! " I exclaimed at last, when a five minutes' perambulation of Brook Street had furnished me with breath sufficient to form into articulate sounds " So then ! this is the ' paternal reception ' this is the fulfilment of those ' generous intentions in my favour,' which my kind but deceived mother has sent me up to London to experience ! A mighty courteous and 106 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. ' fatherly reception,' truly ! But this business rests not here ; I will probe this infamous mockery to the bottom, and, were he twenty times my uncle, Lord Manningham shall repent the unprovoked insult he has dared offer to a Stafford." My indignation having once found vent in words, relieved itself in some degree by the use of them ; but, as passion subsided, my astonishment revived and increased. What could be the meaning of the treatment I had received? Was it possible that Lord Manningham, a nobleman of grave and dignified habits, one -whose reputation for the possession of every accomplishment that adorns the gentleman, the soldier, and the scholar, stood unimpeachable, that a man who had always professed, and, as I had every reason to believe, felt, the strongest and most disinterested regard for his deceased brother that he should wantonly, and without provocation, go out of his way, merely for the purpose of wounding the feelings and disgracing the character of that brother's only child of one, too, who, neither in fact nor by implication, could ever have given him offence, and to whose very person he was a stranger ? It was altogether unaccountable was incredible and the longer I reflected, the more convinced did I feel that some mystery enveloped the whole transaction, the intricacies of which I was at present completely incompetent to unravel. The more I pondered upon the circumstance of my extraordinary exclusion from Grosvenor Square, the more certain this inference appeared, when at once the question occurred, Had I been traduced ? had any villain, envious of my rising prospects, aspersed my character and painted me, perhaps, to my rigidly correct relation, in all the sombre colours of his own malignity ? But MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 107 even then, was I to be condemned unheard ? Were all the partial representations of a fond and anxious mother, eager to promote the success of a beloved son, to sink at once before the suggestions of a comparative stranger, without any room allowed for investigation or inquiry ? Could my uncle be displeased at my having so long delayed to avail myself of his invitation ? I could hardly think that, in such a case, he would, without leaving any opening for explanation or apology, inflict a punishment so glaringly disproportionate to the offence, On the whole, I could not but conclude that, either from some misapprehension, or the malicious inter- ference of an enemy, Lord Manningham had been induced to credit some report, highly derogatory to my character, which, on every account, it behoved me to clear up. Unwilling, therefore, as I was, to agitate my mother unnecessarily, I resolved to forbear at present from writing to the Hall, and to employ the interval between the present time and Sir Oliver's expected return from Oxford in the elucidating, if possible, this strange occurrence. Asa preliminary step, I took the first opportunity, on reaching the Tavistock, to despatch a porter to Grosvenor Square with the following letter : " Tavistock Hotel, Covent Garden. "My LORD, " After the very extraordinary and mortifying re- pulse which I experienced at your door this morning, nothing but a sense of what is due to myself, and to those with whose friendship and affection I am honoured, could have induced me to trouble your lordship any farther. " In what that very cavalier repulse, as unexpected as undeserved, could have originated, I am at a loss 108 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. to imagine. I take leave, however, to remind your lordship that I presented myself on your own express and unsolicited invitation, and that the letter, of which I was the bearer, from the honoured widow of the late Colonel Stafford, might at least, I should conceive, have secured her son from insult or contempt. " The only way in which I can account for such treatment, is the supposition, that malevolent and slanderous tongues may have dared to misrepresent some motive or action of my life, without my being aware of it. If this be the case, from my father's brother I entreat as a favour, and from Lord Man- ningham I demand as a right, an opportunity of vin- dicating my conduct. " In the firm belief that the unpleasant circumstance, to which I allude, must have had its source in mistake or calumny, I have the honour to subscribe myself, " My Lord, " Your Lordship's very obedient " Nephew and Servant, "CHARLES STAFFORD." " To the Right Hon. The Viscount Manninghatn, " Grosvenor Square." The interval which necessarily elapsed between the despatch of this epistle and the reception of the eagerly expected answer, would have been a severe trial to my patience, but for the appearance of a visitor, whose presence and communication served, in some degree, to fill up the pause, and to abstract from the tediousness of time. This visitor was Allanby, Avhom, on parting with him the night before, I had requested to gain any information he might be able to procure, that would tend to throw a light upon my Uncle's mysterious adventure at Drury Lane. MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 109 Sir John had good-humouredly promised to comply with my wishes, and now assured me that there was every reason to suppose that Sir Oliver had really been mistaken in the person of the gentleman with whom he had so decidedly claimed consanguinity. On inquiry, he had ascertained from an officer of the Coldstream, with whom he had a family connection, not only that Captain Hanbury, of that very distin- guished regiment, had been in London on the previous evening, but also that he had actually been at the theatre, and had afterwards, at the Guards' Club- House, given to some of his friends, in the informant's hearing, an animated account of " a famous good row" which he had just had at the play-house, the particu- lars of which Sir John's relative had not had sufficient curiosity to attend to. In consequence of this intelligence, Allanby, de- cided as he now considered the matter to be, resolved on availing himself of an introduction, readily offered by his friend, when he had explained his reason for wishing for one, and on calling upon the gallant cap- tain, ostensibly for the purpose of making excuses in Sir Oliver's name for the mistake into which he had unadvisedly fallen, and thus to put the matter beyond dispute. On reaching his lodgings in Albemarle Street, however, he found that Captain Hanbury had started, a few hours before, with a party of friends, for Wind- sor, and that the time of his return was altogether uncertain. I could have wished, for my own satisfaction, that the friendly baronet had succeeded in obtaining a per- sonal interview with the gentleman, though, on recon- sidering the whole circumstance, I could not fail to join with him in the conviction, that my uncle had in- deed laboured under a delusion, and was now gone upon 110 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS, a \vild-goose chase ; a fact of which, till this moment, I could not help entertaining a considerable degree of doubt. I gave Allanby many thanks for the trouble he had so kindly taken, and he had just risen for the purpose of leaving me, after an ineffectual attempt to prevail on me to dine with him, when the long-expected reply to my appeal was put into my hands by the well- remembered lackey in the " green and gold." I retreated to a window to peruse it, and read as follows : "Sin, " The letter you have just thought proper to trans- mit, convinces me of what I could scarcely have con- ceived possible, that your worthlessness and folly are even exceeded by your audacity. " That you came hither at ' my express and unso- licited invitation' is true; that invitation, Sir, w r as dictated by the affection I ever bore your gallant father, a father whose name you should blush to pronounce, and by the hope that in the representa- tive of his person I should find the inheritor of his virtues. Had that ' Colonel Stafford,' whose name you dare to profane, lived to witness this disgraceful con- duct of his degenerate son, it would have broken his heart. I can no longer lament his decease. " The whole of your dishonourable career is now fully known to me ; to much of it, especially to your infamous tampering with the honesty of a servant, I had previously been an indignant, though unsuspected witness. Your insinuation as to the agency of slander and calumny is as despicable as you know it to be false, and your behaviour will admit neither vindication nor apology. " Miss Stafford holds you in the contempt you MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. Ill merit; the bauble which your artifices forced upon her has been transmitted to your mother, together with the lamentable detail of her son's profligacy. " Desist, young man, from intruding any farther upon the members of a family \vho disown and despise you, or you may be taught that not even the fond re- collection of departed worth, nor the name which you bear and disgrace, will longer prove your protection from the chastisement you deserve, or operate as a motive to forbearance on " MANNINGHAM." This gentle, and conciliating epistle was duly en- dorsed to " Charles Stafford, Esq. Tavistock Hotel." Its contents rekindled at once the smothered embers of my anger, and furnished fresh materials for my surprise. Galling and contemptuous as were the terms in which it was couched, the very natural indignation I experienced on its perusal, was quickly merged in won- der. Had then my name and person been all the while so well known to her whose address I had made so many efforts to discover? Had all my actions been so closely watched and observed, at the very time when my whole soul was occupied in watching and observing those of others, and that too without success ? Had even that, as I believed, most recondite circumstance, my having "tipped " Sally Jennens with five guineas for her information, been open to the in- spection of some latent looker-on ? And then the vinaigrette the so much despised "bauble" which I had purchased as a means of gaining access to my then unknown charmer, had, as it appeared, reached its destination, (a fact which I had more than doubted,) and had been since returned with ignominy " to my mother!" I was lost in amazement. 112 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. But admitting all this admitting that Lord Man- ningham himself had, which I could hardly have sup- posed possible, witnessed the whole of my manoeuvres to obtain access to his daughter, was there anything so very reprehensible in my conduct as to justify the reproach and vituperation contained in his letter, and the ignominious epithets therein applied to it ? If, in the eagerness of my desire to get possession of the ad- dress of a young lady I had bestowed a trifling douceur upon a servant girl, was there anything in the trans- action to warrant the charge of " proflicacy," or of " tampering with a servant's honesty?" What if I had intruded on that young lady a paltry trinket? Of impertinence she might perhaps with justice have accused me, but surely not of " worthlessness," or " disgraceful conduct." Surely nothing but the very spirit of puiitanism it- self could affix epithets so severe to actions so trifling, and, as I thought, so venial, in their nature But so it was; and as pride alone would have prevented my making any further attempt at conciliating Lord Man- ningham, even had I seen the remotest chance of suc- ceeding, which I did not, I resolved to avoid the unpleasant situation of being the herald of my own disgrace to Sir Oliver, and of being forced to reply to all the various queries with which I knew he would assail me, by leaving London immediately, and before his return. Besides, I reflected that, should I act otherwise, and await his arrival, it was by no means improbable, that on heai'ing my story, he would, in his anxiety to have matters simplified, insist on my accompanying him once more to Grosvenor Square, a measure against which every feeling of my soul revolted, and sub- jecting myself, perhaps, to a repetition of the mortify- MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 113 ing indignities I had already sustained ; or that, in the event of my refusal, Sir Oliver himself, of whose per- tinacity of opinion I had had ample experience, might take it into his head to be offended with me, and thus I might seriously quarrel with both my uncles, without any intention of affronting either. This determination, therefore, I failed not to put in practice as quickly as possible, and, leaving a couple of notes to be delivered after my departure, once more set out on my return to Underdown Hall. The first of these billets was addressed to Sir Oliver, to be given to him on his arrival, and ran thus : "MY DEAR UNCLE, " Circumstances of an awkward nature, which I feel myself unable at present either to control or explain, have rendered it impossible for me to put in execution the intention with which I came to London. " A strong prejudice, whence originating I know not, appears to exist against me in the mind of Lord Manningham. Time may, perhaps, obliterate a feeling which seems to me as unaccountable as I know it to be unjust ; in the meanwhile, it may be better, per- haps, for all parties, that we should come as little into contact as possible. I have therefore retired to the Hall, and, in the hope of soon witnessing your own return to the house which your indulgence has taught me to consider our mutual home, remain your affec- tionate nephew, " C. STAFFORD. " P.S. I have been able to ascertain, almost to de- monstration, that my Cousin Nicholas had no hand whatever in the unpleasant business at the theatre, but that your antagonist was indeed the very gentle- man whom he represented himself to be." 114 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. The other was directed to Lord Manningham : "My LORD, " The son of that Colonel Stafford, 'whose decease you no longer regret/ is only withheld by the respect due to his father's memory, and the recollection of the near connection between that revered parent and Vis- count Manningham, from fully expressing to the latter his sentiments on the unfounded aspersions cast by him upon a character as unspotted as his own. " Be assured, my Lord, that the ' members of your family ' will be ' no more intruded on ' by one who now values your lordship's favour as little as he dreads the resentment with which you think proper to menace him. " I have the honour to be, " Your Lordship's servant, "CHARLES STAFFORD. " To Viscount Manningham, &c. &c. &c." CHAPTER XI. Inter Sylvas Academi quaerere verum Hon. Through Academic groves The puzzled Hero roves To seek if facts be facts, or all a mere hum ! A HASTY MAN. A SICK MAN. AN ANGRY MAN. AN OBSE- QUIOUS MAN. A LEAKNED MAN. AND A PUZZLED MAN. DURING part of this period, and while I was the alternate prey of fear, hope, disappointment, and in- dignation, Sir Oliver had proceeded, as fast as four stout roadsters could carry him, towards Oxford, MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 115 anathematising my Cousin Nicholas, at least ten times between every milestone and its successor, with bitter vows of taking the most complete and summary ven- geance, in case he should find that his son had deceived him, and in his person had actually menaced the nasal organs of a Bullwinkle with manual com- pression. On his arrival at the Angel, he scarcely waited to discharge the postboys, ere, hurrying, with the utmost expedition of which he was capable, to the venerable edifice of which his son was or ought to be an inmate, he inquired for the rooms of Mr. Nicholas Bullwinkle. They were immediately pointed out to him by an obsequious porter, and my Uncle proceeded through a rank of marvelling freshmen, who were congregated in the quadrangle, to the staircase which led to his apartments. Sir Oliver tarried not to give even the usual petitionary knock at the inner door, but, turning the handle without scruple or delay, abruptly entered the room. At a table loaded with folios of a most imposing bulk, and properly furnished with all the necessary adjuncts of pen, ink, and paper, clad in a long duffle wrapping-gown, with a pair of green spectacles upon his nose, and a rummer of water by his side, sat my Cousin Nicholas. His cheeks were pale, not to say haggard ; his form attenuated, and his whole appearance that of a man suffering under the oppression of serious indisposi- tion. The sudden entrance of Sir Oliver caused him to start, and communicated a visible degree of tremor to his whole frame : the pen actually trembled in his hand as he exclaimed, on hearing the noise, "Who's there ? Sanderson, is that you ? you know I am reading, and can't see any body." I 2 J16 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. " Nick ! " quoth my Uncle Oliver, " is it you, Nick ? Speak to me, you rascal, and tell me, is that you ? " " My dear father ! impossible ! can I believe my eyes ? Here, Jem ! porter ! My dear Sir, to what am I to attribute this very unexpected pleasure ? Nothing the matter at the Hall, I hope? Here, Jem, I say ; come up directly and be to you ! " The concluding sentence of this address was uttered out of the window, to a "scout" in the quadrangle (bells were rare in Brazenose), and was delivered in a tone of the utmost impatience. Then placing a chair, the invalid once more felicitated himself on the arrival of his father, and extended his hand towards him, as if in expectation of a friendly shake. " No, Sir," cried the Baronet, most unceremoniously rejecting his proffered salute. " Sit down, Sir, sit down, and answer me a few questions, before I make up my mind whether I am ever to acknowledge you as my son again, or not." " My dear Sir, what can be the meaning of this most alarming preface ? However, I am much too happy to see you, on any terms, to quarrel with the cause which affords me the pleasure of your company." " I do not believe one word of it," quoth my Uncle ; " you would as lieve see the devil, Sir. But here I am ; and here I mean to remain, till you have told me how you dared offer me such an insult as you did last night; how you had the assurance" (my Uncle's voice rose an octave) " to threaten to pull my nose ! " If anger was the predominant expression of Sir Oliver's countenance, astonishment seemed no less forcibly portrayed in that of my Cousin. " Pull your nose, my dear father ! last night ! you surprise me; what can be the meaning of all this? Has any MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 117 one dared to insult you ? If so, be assured I shall resent it as a son ought to do ; and I cannot tell you how highly gratified I feel that you should have taken the trouble of coming thus far, to give me an oppor- tunity of chastising the insolence of " " Be quiet, puppy, and answer me ; nobody's inso- lence is to be chastised but your own. Tell me, Sir, how dared you deny all knowledge of me, to my face, at Drnry Lane, no longer ago than last night ? " " Drury La ? my dear Sir," cried the now alarmed Nicholas, " I have not been out of my room this fortnight : surely, Sir, the fatigue of your journey, or something, has discomposed you. Let me offer you some refreshment. Why, Jem," continued my Cousin, turning once more abruptly to the window, and carefully wrapping a silk handkerchief, that lay on the sofa near him, round his throat, as he opened it, "Jem, do you mean to come up to-day, or not?" " Nay, Sir," cried Sir Oliver, " do not give Mr. Jem, whoever the gentleman may be, the trouble of walking up stairs, nor expose your own very delicate health to the influence of the cold air. I am neither drunk nor mad ; so answer me in three words, and without any prevarication, were you, or were you not, in London yesterday evening?" " Not I, upon my word, Sir Oliver ; and why you should imagine such a thing, I cannot, for the life of me, conceive. Had I even entertained any intention of the kind, the indisposition under which I have been labouring for this fortnight past would alone have been sufficient to prevent my carrying it into effect, to say nothing of my being engaged very busily in reading for my ' Little Go.' My dear father, I am quite a skeleton ; only look at me ! do feel my ribs ! " i 3 118 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. " Curse your ribs ! " cried the Baronet, " I '11 break every one of them ; I '11 " Here the scout entered the room. " Jem," said my ^Cousin Nicholas, " my father is just arrived in Oxford; go to the kitchen and buttery, and make them send up something immediately and borrow me a bottle of wine, Jem, it is so long since I drank any, that I am afraid my own cellar will not afford one and, Jem, come back and help me to put these books out of the way." Jem stared, made a short quick bow, and was retir- ing, when his retreat was cut off by Sir Oliver " Stop one moment, Mister Jem, if that is your name, I beg of you ; and please to inform me, Mister Jem, at what hour did this young gentleman return from London ? " The man looked all astonishment he gazed alter- nately at my Uncle and his son, and made no answer. " Jem," said my Cousin, " some officious blockhead or other has put it into my father's head that I was in town no longer ago than yesterday ; you, I think, can satisfy him that I have not even left my room this fortnight till this very day, when I went, for the first time since my illness, to morning chapel." " Very true, Sir," returned Jem ; " I called you by your orders at six o'clock." " Indeed !" returned Sir Oliver; " I must, however, have better evidence than even that of the very re- spectable Mr. Jem, before I believe one syllable of the matter ; so, Mr. Nicholas Bullwinkle, if you please, we will adjourn to the apartments of your tutor,. and hear his opinion of the business unless, indeed, the very delicate state of your health should render it dangerous for you to accompany me." " By all means, Sir ; I will attend you with the MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 119 greatest pleasure ; indeed, I do not know but that the air may be of service to me. Jem, my great-coat ! " The obsequious James produced the required sur- tout, which my Cousin, having first taken off and leisurely wiped his spectacles, proceeded to indue, with a degree of deliberation that formed a fine con- trast with the impatience manifested in every twist and turn of Sir Oliver's features. The bandana received a more careful and studied adjustment round the throat, and the usual paraphernalia of academic costume being duly arranged over all, Nicholas seemed prepared to accompany his father, when, before they reached the door of the apartment, he stopped sud- denly, and exclaimed, " I beg your pardon, Sir Oliver, may I detain you one moment? The tincture, Jem ; surely it is time that I took my tincture ?" The obedient scout repaired to a closet on the other side of the room, from which he produced a half-pint bottle and a glass, into the latter of which he carefully poured two table-spoonfuls of a dark-coloured fluid, bearing a most suspicious resemblance to cherry- brandy. This he extended to my Cousin Nicholas, who received and swallowed it, not without a due contortion of visage ; then, without any further at- tempt at delay, he followed the impatient Baronet down the staircase, but haud passibus cequis, and supporting himself by the banister. The pair proceeded in solemn silence ; the younger gentleman having been suddenly cut short by the elder in the very commencement of an embryo dis- sertation on the medicinal qualities of " Huxhani's Tincture of Bark." In this way, notwithstanding the procrastination occasioned by the tardiness of my Cousin, whose pace very little exceeded that which is termed by i 4 120 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. military men " marking time," the door of the Reverend Josiah Pozzlethwayte's apartment was at length at- tained, and they were received by that learned tutor with all the dignity of a fellow of a college, beautifully tempered by the urbanity of a gentleman, despite a slight shade of vexation, which a keen observer might have detected stealing over his countenance at the interruption his visitors occasioned to the progress of a very erudite and entertaining little treatise on the various gerunds in Di, Do, and Dum, which he was on the point of completing, and offering to the world in three quarto volumes. Sir Oliver, who was by no means a man of many words, introduced himself and his errand with truly Spartan brevity, while his polite auditor listened with attention, and replied to his inquiries in a manner which savoured more of the elegance of Attic, than the force and conciseness of Lacedemonian, oratory, while the classic mind of my Cousin Nicholas, who remained for some time a silent, though not un- interested observer, at once suggested to him " the image of a supposed Pericles listening to one of an imaginary Ephori." This he afterwards told my Uncle, who, not know- ing anything of either of the gentlemen named, nor quite approving the expression of countenance with which the remark was uttered, was very near breaking his head in return for his elegant allusion. The evidence, if such it may be termed, of the learned tutor was, however, equally in my Cousin's favour with that of Jem East, the scout, and seemed altogether irreconcilable with Sir Oliver's hypothesis. The Reverend Mr. Pozzlethwayte was a great logi- cian ; he could demonstrate, without the slightest difficulty, that although " John was a man, and Peter MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 121 was a man," yet, from a want of the necessary " dis- tribution of the Middle Term," it was by no means a legitimate consequence that " John was Peter ;" he gave Sir Oliver most convincing reasons why it was impossible that his son should be, at one and the same time, present at two different places fifty-six miles asunder ; he proved, first, that it was " Term Time at Oxford" secondly, that no Undergraduate could be absent without leave when it was " Term Time at Oxford" then, that my cousin Nicholas was an Undergraduate after that, that my Cousin Nicholas had no leave of absence, and then triumphantly drew his inference, that of course my Cousin Nicholas could not be absent during " Term Time at Oxford." He changed his battery, and demonstrated that " a man who was too ill to move could never have gone from Oxford to London but my Cousin was too ill to move therefore my Cousin could not have gone from Oxford to London." He argued from cause to effect, and then reasoned back again from effect to cause ; now he pressed his auditor with all the syllogistic energies of " Major" " Minor" and " Consequence ;" then he crushed him beneath the overwhelming weight of a " Sorites ;" and finally compelled him, by a judicious use of Socratic interrogation, to prove himself an unredeemed blockhead. Sir Oliver who, in the discharge" of what he called his duties as a magistrate for the county, had not unfrequently listened with admiration and con- viction " at Sessions " to the luminous statements of the counsel on one side, till the equally brilliant effu- sions of the counsel on the other side provokingly brought the matter once more into doubt, now, when the full tide of argument took 4 a decided and 122 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. uncontradicted turn, gave way to a torrent which he found it beyond his power to stem ; slowly and most reluctantly did he yield a grumbling assent to propo- sitions which he was unable to refute, though almost equally unwilling to admit. After sifting the matter as closely as he could, the result of all his inquiries was, that Mr. Bullwinkle had been "ceger" for more than a fortnight, and his sickly appearance certainly tended much to corroborate this representation. It was also ascertained by reference to the Bible-clerk that he had actually been at chapel that morning at half-past six ; " Jem," moreover, tes- tified that he had himself summoned him from his bed half-an-hour before, while the rules of academic dis- cipline precluded the opening of the college gates till after morning-prayers. My Cousin would have got his acquittal in any court in Christendom, and Sir Oliver was obliged to succumb, which he at length did, but with a very bad grace, and as if only half convinced. It is recorded of a right worshipful citizen, who thrice filled the civic chair of the greatest corporation in the world, and was honoured by his fellow-citizens, at his decease, with a monument erected to his me- mory, at the public expense, and which still forms a principal ornament of that very Guildhall which had so often been the scene of his triumphs, it is on record, I say, that he once overwhelmed a Prime Minister, by an energetic declaration, that "them there facts is stubborn things /" Sir Oliver Bullwinkle could no more invalidate the force of Alderman Beckford's axiom than could the Premier. MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. CHAPTER XII. Oh ! what damned minutes counts he o'er Who dotes yet doubts, suspects yet strongly loves. OTHELLO. Noscitur a Naso ! He said he'd pull my nose ! I heard him say so. CARDS, THE DEVIL's BOOKS. A RELAPSE. WHAT'S IN A NAME ? THE worthy Baronet and his hopeful heir retraced their steps towards the apartments of the latter, Sir Oliver hardly knowing whether he was pleased or sorry at the conviction which had been, in a manner forced upon him. That the character of his son had come out of the fiery ordeal, to which it had been subjected, pure and immaculate as a new-laid egg, was, to be sure, a sub- ject of much self-congratulation ; but then the unwel- come truth would force itself on his recollection, that, in proportion as the conduct of Nicholas appeared blameless, his own must seem absurd ; nor could he help feeling that, all things considered, he was cutting a tolerably ridiculous figure. In no very enviable state of mind he ascended the stairs of number 6, with much more of deliberation than had marked his progress down them an hour before, while the pace of Nicholas was accelerated in a corresponding ratio, so that they now contrived to keep tolerably well to- gether. 124 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. On re-entering the room a small card of invitation lay on the table, giving evident proof that, during their absence, the apartment had been invaded by a visitor. The small piece of pasteboard alluded to bore, moreover, an inscription as interesting to Sir Oliver as any in the Theban catacombs, or on the sarcophagus of Cheops himself, could be to a modern traveller, possessing, besides, the incalculable advan- tage of being much more easily deciphered. The words it displayed were, " Wine with Hanbury, O. C. " Friday llth." And it was indorsed " N. Bullwinkle, Esq." Had a basilisk met the eyes of my Uncle, he could not have exhibited a more theatric and imposing start ! The still slumbering embers of suspicion "flared up," at once, into as bright a blaze as the real element, from which this popular metaphor is taken, emits when some unlucky imp of mischief h arls, with too unerring aim, a handful of pounded resin into the fire, for the purpose of astounding a dozing grand- mother, or electifying a maiden aunt. Every com- bustible particle in Sir Oliver's whole frame ignited on the instant. " Hanbury !" exclaimed he, with the look, air, and voice of a male Tisiphone. "A friend of mine, Sir Oliver," said Nicholas with the most perfect composure, not perceiving, or not choosing to perceive, the effect which this name of bad omen had upon his father. "A college friend of mine, and a very good fellow he is, only rather too much of a bookworm; he is known here by the MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 125 sobriquet of 'Sobersides;' I should like to join his party amazingly, if my health would permit me, for it is not often he ventures upon one ; but the ' mens sana in corpore sano,' you know, Sir, (Sir Oliver did not know,) must be preferred to everything else ; and as it is in vain to expect intellectual without corporeal health, I must, however reluctantly, give up the idea, for I feel my nervous system is too much deranged to admit of my joining at present in any kind of gaiety, else I must confess I should like just to pop in my nose " " At a scoundrel's who swore he would pull your father's ! " roared the indignant Baronet, in the tones of a Stentor. Nicholas stood aghast. For the first time there appeared in the expression of his counte- nance a sort of indefinite alarm, which might perhaps have been interpreted into an apprehension that the intellects of his father were affected. It was some time before he found breath to utter " My dear Sir, do I understand you right ? I thought it had been myself who had, most unjustly certainly, fallen under your suspicion as the author of the outrageous insult offered to you ; and now, when I have, I trust, satisfied you of the impossibility of the thing, you would seem to accuse my friend, a man whom I am morally certain you have never seen in your life. What can I think, Sir Oliver ? " " I don't care a farthing what you think, Sir ! What the d 1 are your thoughts to me ? I tell you again 1 am now fully convinced that you and your rascally friend, between you, are at the bottom of all this ; but lead me to the jackanapes immediately ! Let me see him, I say, and if I find I have been im- posed upon after all Come along directly, Nick ; for if you refuse to go " 126 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. " Refuse? Oh ! not I, indeed, Sir all over the University, if you please ; and we'll ask every third man we meet whether he ever threatened to pull your nose. I have no objection, Sir, I assure you " Sir Oliver looked as if he had a great mind to knock my Cousin Nicholas down ; but seeing him so very composedly occupied in resuming the gown which he had just divested himself of, and not perhaps finding any words, at the moment, adequate to the full ex- pression of his confused feelings, he contented himself with biting his nether lip, and remained silent. " Now, I am ready whenever you please, Sir Oliver; where, may I ask, would you choose to commence your inquiries ? " " No sneering, puppy, but show me instantly to the fellow who left this card ! " " With all my heart, Sir. Poor Sobersides ! how he will stare ! But may I beg you to be calm, Sir Oliver, as I assure you, you will find yourself a second time mistaken." Thus saying, Nicholas quietly began to descend the staircase, and led the way to the college-gate. Totally unobservant of the venerable buildings that now surrounded him on all sides, and querulously cutting short his son's attempts to recommend them to his notice, the angry Baronet kept close to his side, eyeing him occasionally with glances which seemed to indicate a suspicion that he would endeavour to run away, and at the same time grasping his arm with the force and tenacity of a smith's vice, as if fully de- termined to prevent his escape. But Nicholas entertained no such intention ; he kept steadily on, till, on passing the portal surmounted by the huge protection of gilt wood, which has some- how- or other been, facetiously enough, designated as MY COUSIN NICHOtAS. 127 the Brazen Nose, an appellation as little warranted by its anti-metallic appearance, as by its want of re- semblance to the feature it is said to represent he again, in spite of the ungracious repulses which all his attempts at " lionising " had hitherto met with, could not help directing his father's attention to the mystic emblem above him ; but in his present mood, the very word " Nose " sounded harshly in the ears of Sir Oliver, and he again bade his son " cease his chatter- ing," in no very dulcet tones. On reaching the place of their destination, Mr.Han- bury's " oak " was open. A rap with the knuckles at his door was immediately answered by a cry of " Come in ! " and Nicholas, with his father close at his heels, entered the room. " Hanbury, my good fellow, how are you ? " said the former, advancing with extended hand towards a young gentleman dressed in a morning gown, who rose from a sofa to receive him. " I am sorry, Hanbury, I was not in the way this morning when you called, but I come to bring you my answer in person. In the mean time, allow me to introduce to you my father Hanbury Sir Oliver Bullwinkle." During this exordium, Sir Oliver had been narrowly scrutinising the person of his new acquaintance, but found himself once more baffled in his expectations, as neither in feature, voice, nor figure, did the gentle- man before him bear the slightest resemblance to the object of his resentment the likeness was in the name alone. Still the coincidence was most remarkable, that among the more particular friends, and in the imme- diate society of his son, he should meet with a person of so ominous a designation, that, if the name of the 128 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. one had but been united with the person of the other, no reasonable doubt could any longer have remained upon his mind. He felt himself completely mysti- fied ; he knew not what to believe or to reject, and therefore only bowed and stammered in reply to the easy and polite reception given to him by young Han- bury as the father of his friend. " Bullwinkle," said their host to my Cousin, after they had taken chairs, " I am sincerely glad to see you out again ; you have had a sharp time of it ; and, not to natter you, your illness has pulled you down not a little. I called to-day, as I had heard from Jones this morning that you had been at chapel, in the hope of prevailing on you to meet a few friends here on Friday : we shall be a very quiet party." " I never knew one otherwise at your rooms, Han- bury ; and I believe, in spite of prudence, I should have joined you ; but my father, as you see, is just arrived, and will not, I hope, leave Oxford for some days. My time must of course be entirely at his disposal." " I trust I need not say," returned Hanbury, " how much I should be gratified by Sir Oliver's company also on that occasion, or that I shall feel great pleasure if any services of mine can be acceptable to him. You are but weak as yet, Bullwinkle, and, I am sure, altogether unequal to the task of making the tour of the University. I shall be most happy if your father will accept me as your substitute." Sir Oliver knew not what to make of all this. Mr. Hanbury's manners and address were polished and prepossessing, and his attentions to himself flattering. Had he borne any other name in the world, his polite- ness would have been met with cordiality. As it was, a vague idea that he was duped still most pertinaciously MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 129 occupied the Baronet's mind, and repelled the growing inclination he felt to believe he had been indeed mis- taken. By degrees, however, his suspicions gave way, especially when, in reply to one of the Baronet's ques- tions, "Whether he had any relative in the Guards?" Hanbury unhesitatingly informed him that he had an elder brother in the Coldstream, " a man, by the way, Sir Oliver, whom I could much wish to introduce to you, as I should like to see whether you would be able to discover in him that personal resemblance to my friend, your son here, which many of our acquaintance insist is so very strong a one." " Indeed, Sir ! " asked Sir Oliver ; " is the likeness so remarkable ? " " Astonishing, many of them affect to say ; but, for my own part, I cannot say I see it in so strong a light as some do, who go the length of asserting that the pair might be taken for twins. Nevertheless, I admit that they are a good deal alike. Indeed, I am not sure but that this resemblance to poor Tom, (a worthy fellow at bottom, Sir Oliver, though I fear the dissi- pated scenes his profession exposes him to have ren- dered him not so steady as he used to be,) has tended not a little to cement the friendship which exists between your son and myself. Poor Tom ! he certainly often puts me in mind of him ! " " Very often, indeed, I should think," returned Sir Oliver. " Confound me if I should know the differ- ence between them." " Indeed, Sir Oliver. You have seen my brother, then ? " "Why, I rather think I have that is Pray, Sir, where may Captain Hanbury be at this moment ?" " Upon my word I can hardly say. In London, it is most likely at least I received a letter from him, K 130 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. (here it is,) about three days ago, dated from the St. James's Coffee-house ; but he is so very locomotive, that, for anything I know to the contrary, he may be in the Hebrides by this time." " I fancy, Sir," replied the Baronet, " he is scarcely so far north. By what you tell me, I am induced to suppose that I must have been, for a very few minutes, in his company last night; but come, Sir," continued he, " if you are not otherwise engaged, and will favour my son and me with your company to a quiet dinner at my inn, you shall hear the whole history of the occasion of my journey to Oxford, in which, to speak the truth, your brother cuts no inconsiderable figure." " You raise my curiosity greatly, Sir Oliver, and I shall feel much pleasure in accepting your invitation." During the whole of this dialogue, my Cousin Nicholas, who took no share in it, was busily em- ployed in turning over the leaves of a parcel of books which lay on a side-table, apparently absorbed in his pursuit, and paying very little or no attention to the subject of the duetto in performance between his father and his friend ; but now, seeing the former preparing to depart, he closed the volume which he had been examining, and inquired with much gravity " Where Sir Oliver would choose to go next?" " Back again to London, to be sure," was the reply; " but come, before I start, let us see what we can have for dinner, for my journey has made me as hungry as a hunter." Nature herself abhors not a vacuum more than did Sir Oliver. The fumes of anger, which had hitherto expanded his chest, and produced an artificial and fal- lacious plenitude, had now, in a great degree, evapo- rated, and his stomach might by this time be not unaptly compared to a balloon when an unlucky rent MTf COUSIN NICHOLAS. 131 has suffered the major part of its gas to escape. He hurried his two companions to the inn, and ordered an excellent dinner, to which he did ample justice ; nor was either of his guests at all behindhand in following his example. Nicholas, in particular, made a very hearty meal for an invalid ; and the brisk circulation of a few flasks of very tolerable champagne seemed to produce an effect upon him to the full as salutary as his favourite " Huxham's Tincture of Bark." It was late before the party separated ; nor did they break up for the night till Sir Oliver, who had by this time perfectly recovered his good-humour, voluntarily promised to rescind his determination of returning im- mediately, and to remain a day or two, and recreate his eyes with a sight of the " Lions" of the University. CHAPTER XIIL Quodcunque ostendis mihi sic incredulus odi. HOR. If ancestry can be in aught believ'd, Descending Spirits have convers'd with Man, And told the secrets of the world unknown. HONE. A RIDE. A WALK. A SONG. A CONVERSATION. A DRY ARGUMENT. A WET CONCLUSION. THE * * * * mail-coach, in which I had secured my- self a passage, contained also within its recesses a fat quaker, a pilot, an ailing child, and a woman afflicted with the toothach. There are times when the happy temperament of our minds, arising from the eager anticipation of some K 2 132 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. expected enjoyment, or the full gratification of some darling desire, attunes our whole soul to harmony, and renders us careless and unobservant of those minor annoyances, which, in a less joyous mood, would prove no inconsiderable drawback on our felicity ; there are also times, when, from sheer intensity of mental suffer- ing, our faculties are so entirely absorbed as to remain unaffected by their presence, and even unconscious of their existence. Neither of these was at present my lot ; the irritable state of my feelings only rendered me the more alive to the miseries of my situation. The worthy member of the Society of Friends, whose ample breadth occu- pied somewhat more than three-fourths of the seat, was my neighbour, and pinned me close up in one corner of the vehicle, without the possibility of my effecting a change of position even to avoid the direct stream of exhalation from the sailor who faced me, redolent of rum. The latter, having succeeded, that morning, in bringing a valuable cargo into the port of London, was now returning, by a less dangerous ele- ment, to the seaport to which he belonged, in order to wait for another job of the same kind, and, previously to occupying his present berth, had stowed in rather more than his usual proportion of grog. The female who sat by his side, was, as we soon learned from herself, the wife of an eminent cheesemonger in the Borough, going into the country on a visit to her rela- tions ; the coachman, doubtless for weighty reasons, had allowed her, although contrary to the strict letter of his regulations, to carry her son on her lap, "as he was such a very little one," and the tortures I had already begun to experience were soon added to in a tenfold degree by her insisting on both the windows being closed to prevent the intrusion of the night-air, MY COUSIX NICHOLAS. 133 which, as she averred, much increased her own com- plaint, and would besides give her "little darling" cold. Thus closely wedged, and in an atmosphere to be envied only by the unfortunate Englishmen once con- fined in the Black-hole at Calcutta, did we " roll along the turnpike road." The quaker snored, the child cried, its mother groaned, while my friend opposite, apparently insensible to all the disagreeables which so much annoyed myself, hummed " Here a sheer hulk lies poor Tom Bowling." and tendered me his tobacco-box. On my declining to avail myself of this kind offer, in a tone which I laboured to render civil, he ceased his tune, and con- veying a respectable portion of "shag" to his own mouth, prepared, with the utmost composure, to ac- company my sleeping partner on the right in a most sonorous duet upon the same instrument. Oh! how I hated the whole party ! For nearly an hour had I sat thus, enduring the utmost degree of compression which the human frame is capable of bearing, muttering to myself, at every roll of the coach, " curses not loud but deep," and filling a situation not unlike that of a refractory culprit, whose obstinacy, in refusing to plead, has exposed him to the peine forte et dure, a method by which " the statute, in that case made and provided," till lately directed that an answer should be squeezed out of the most re- fractory. My mind was worked up to the highest pitch of irritation, when fortunately the coach stopped, and I perceived, at the door of a solitary public-house by the road-side, a relay with every preparation for changing horses. Eagerly did I avail myself of the opportunity K 3 134 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. afforded to exchange the confinement I had endured for a state of liberty, if only for a few moments; to let down the window, open the door, and spring from the vehicle to the ground, was the work of an instant. Heedless of the discomposure my abrupt secession had occasioned within, 1 proceeded to pace backwards and forwards by the side of the carriage, every limb re- velling in its emancipation. The night was a lovely one " The silver moon unclouded held her way Through skies where I could count each little star." The air was unusually warm for the time of year, and a gentle breeze gave a tremulous motion to the che- quered light of the moonshine falling through the boughs, while its balmy breathings conveyed to the sense all the rich and fragrant perfume of an English spring. The silence was broken alone by the plaintive strains of a soft and mellow voice at a little distance, ohaunting in a subdued and melancholy tone, which fell grateful on the ear, and harmonised delightfully with the character of the scene. What a contrast to the exhalations of toddy and tobacco, and the serenade from which I had with so much difficulty escaped ! The peaceful calm which seemed to envelope all nature, animate and inanimate, operated upon my spirits as a holy charm. My roused and angry pas- sions were fast subsiding into a state of placidity, when the spell was rudely broken, and the sacred stillness of the night invaded by the hoarse voices of the guard and ostler, now high in oath respecting some mis- chance which had occurred to the materiel of the coach. "My eyes! here's a rig! I say, Bill,, blow me if this here bar beesn't just asunder; show us a light!" MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 135 " Ey, ey, Jem, what say ? let me see ; where is it ? " " You see? you be ; vot 's the use of your seeing, spooney? show us a light, I tell 'ee!" Bill obeyed grumbling, and entered the house to procure a candle, with which he soon returned, accom- panied by the coachman, who had been discussing a glass of "summut short" within doors, and now added himself to the conclave. " Broke, do ye say ?" cried the latter, advancing the lantern towards the suspected fracture ; " so it is, by gum devilish near asunder too. This now was that c d old mare coming down the hill ; always a- kicking, a wicious old beast I vonder Master keeps sich warmint ! " " Come, Tom," returned the guard " it 's no use to stand growling here ; Bill, get us a bit o' rope, will 'ee ? We must splice her up as well as we can till we gets to B * * *" (the name of the next stage). At this moment a human head was protruded from each window of the vehicle. The parley without had reached the ears of the personages within, already dis- turbed by my elopement; and, although they could not exactly gather the purport of the matter in debate, the manner in which the colloquy was carried on served to induce a suspicion that their own interests were some- how or other implicated in the result of the conference. " What cheer, messmates ? " asked the pilot, " she won't capsize, will she ? " while the sonorous tones of the Quaker were heard from the opposite opening. Surprised into a temporary deviation from his usual mode of delivery, yet still preserving that formality of expression, which not even apprehended danger could subdue, he exclaimed with unwonted rapidity, "Friend, aileth the leathern conveniency any thing ? " while the K 4 ]36 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. fair dispenser of currants and molasses, losing, or for- getting, her toothach in her alarm, half cried,, half screamed, as the tar vacated his berth to give his assistance, " Lauk-a-daisey me I vy vot's the matter vith the shay, I venders ? " Finding that the arrangements necessary for. the continuing our journey in safety were likely to take up some little time, and aware of the general correct- ness of a homely adage, " that too many cooks are apt to spoil the broth," I did not presume to encumber with my inefficient aid those whose experience in the mysteries of splicing, dove-tailing, and all the endless varieties of ligature, so much exceeded my own, an aid too which, if tendered, would, in all probability, have been rejected with contempt. Still less did I feel inclined to exhibit a supererogatory gallantry in soothing the fears of the apprehensive matron, to whose grinders alarm had already restored the full power of mastication. Aware, as I am, how much my character must suffer in the estimation of my female readers from the confession, I must still honestly avow that I could not find it in my heart to utter one consoling word, or even to assist in quieting the un- savoury " Jacky," who, frightened because he saw his mother frightened, now added his yells to the harmonic combination. Indeed, my only care was to remove myself as far as possible from the sphere of their in- fluence; so, telling the coachman that I would walk forward till he should overtake me, I proceeded lei- surely on, not a little pleased at the opportunity thus afforded me of enjoying a small portion of so fine an evening, and feeling, I fear, a malignant pleasure at the retributive sufferings now inflicted on some of those who had so long kept me in purgatory. I had made but little progress in my walk, and was MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 137 scarcely clear of Johnny's shrill vociferations, when the same musical and plaintive notes which had at- tracted my attention previously to the discovery of the accident, again caught my ear. The sounds were evidently at no great distance from me, yet seemed to recede as I approached, till, at length, they appeared to become stationary, since I manifestly gained upon them, and could even dis- tinguish a few of the words which my invisible en- tertainer was singing to a wild but melancholy air. A turn of the road brought me suddenly near the person who was thus, as it seemed, venting his sorrows and complainings to the ear of night, and calling in the aid of harmony to soothe the grief it cannot entirely tranquillize. It was the tall figure of a man that now dimly met my view ; he was enveloped in a large cloak, similar to those then used by the military on service, and since in so much request among our students in law and linendrapery. Its ample folds concealed, in a great measure, the proportions of a form of which only a confused outline could be traced beneath the shadow of a couple of tall trees that skirted the road. I could, however, distinguish that the person, whoever he might be, was of a commanding height, in spite of the unfavourableness of the attitude in which he stood, as he remained, with his back turned towards me, leaning over a gate, and, as I conjectured from the position of his head, gazing earnestly on the brilliant luminary which shone in mild radiance above him. As I turned the corner of the hedge which had hitherto concealed him from my sight, his song ceased. I paused for a moment as I beheld him, but was again advancing, when the ^recurrence of the strain checked 138 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. my footsteps. Apparently absorbed in his own con- templations, he had not perceived my approach, and I was now sufficiently near to distinguish, with tolerable precision, the following couplets, which he sang to the same wild melody that had at first attracted my at- tention, still seeming to address himself to the shining planet on which his eyes were fixed. SONG OF THE NIGHT WANDERER. " There is a low and a lonely vale, Where the silver moon shines clearly, And thither I flew to tell my tale To one whom I lov'd full dearly ; In jocund glee I hounded along, And gaily I laugh'd, and troll'd my song ; Oh the Moon ! the lovely Moon ! Dearer to me the light o' the Moon Than the gaudy blaze of the flaunting Noon ! " But the days are gone, and years are fled, Fled too are those hours of brightness ; And the nut-brown curls that wav'd on my head, Are ting'd with a silvery whiteness ; And gone is one whom I lov'd full well, And I heard the hollow passing-bell As I gazed on the Moon, the cold, cold Moon ! Yet dearer still is the light of the Moon, .Oh ! dearer by far than the flaunting Noon ! " There is a low and a lonely tomb, Where the grass-green turf is springing, And the wild-flowers shed their sweetest perfume, And the Nightingale's song is singing ; Oh ! there lies one whom I mourn in vain, As I listen to Philomel's dying strain, And sadly gaze on the pensive Moon ; I seek the Moon, the silent Moon, And fly from the gaudy blaze of Noon ! " The voice of the mourner, for such I was convinced he was, ceased. There was nothing in the words themselves, taken abstractedly, which could confirm the idea which I had begun to entertain, that the MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 139 unknown was labouring under some serious affection of the mind, more than is to be found in a hundred other ultra-sentimental ditties with which the music shops are so abundantly supplied ; but the tremulous tones in which the song was given, and the deep- drawn sigh, almost amounting to a groan, which fol- lowed it, conveyed to my mind an irresistible conviction that it, was the offspring of no fictitious grief, but the simple expression of a genuine and heartfelt sorrow. While 1 hesitated whether I should accost him or not, being unwilling to let him suppose that I had been playing the part of an eavesdropper, and wit- nessing effusions which I readily conceived were not intended to meet the ear of any human being, the singer rose from his position, and proceeded slowly on before me, keeping the same track I was myself pursuing. The lapse of a few seconds brought us nearly on a parallel, when I ventured to give him the usual salu^ tation of a passenger, with a remark on the uncommon beauty of the evening. His reply was courteous, and gave me encouragement by slackening my steps to bring my pace to one more in unison with his own, and to commence a desultory sort of conversation. He was at first brief enough iii his replies, eyeing me occasionally with a suspicious glance; but finding, from my discourse, that 1 was simply a traveller who had left the mail behind me, his reserve in a great measure gave way, and he let me understand that he, like myself, was a passenger, and by the same con- veyance, but with this difference, that while I rioted (Heaven save the mark!) in all the aristocratical luxury of an inside place, he had contented himself with the humble exaltation, if I may make use of so paradoxical an expression, of the roof. Feeling him- 140 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. self a little cramped, he, too, it seemed, had availed himself of the same opportunity to execute a manoeuvre similar to the one I had adopted, having descended from his Olympus the moment the coach stopped. He now began to express his surprise that it had not overtaken him, a circumstance which I accounted for by mentioning the injury which it had sustained by the fracture of the bar, (the discovery of which his walking on at once had prevented him from knowing,) and thus satisfied him that an apprehension he had begun to entertain, that the coachman might have passed him unobserving and unobserved, was un- founded. As our conversation continued, I had an opportu- nity of observing him more narrowly, and was sur- prised to find that he was by no means so far advanced in life as some expressions in his song had led me to expect ; he appeared, indeed, to have scarcely passed the prime of manhood, while the firmness of his tread, and the athletic uprightness of his figure, if they wanted the springing elasticity of youth, were at least equally removed from the enervation of age. As he occasionally raised his head, the moonbeams gave ad- ditional wanness to a face, the features of which, though bold and masculine, were regular but of an ashy paleness. He had the air of one who has seen and suffered much ; while the gentlemanly ease of his deportment, and that indescribable something, more easily understood than expressed, which usually marks the manners and demeanour of a military man, an- nounced him a soldier. Insensibly our conversation from commonplace re- marks, took a more interesting turn, and, a casual allusion having drawn forth an explicit avowal of his profession, the discourse not unnaturally diverged to MY COUSIN NICHpLAS. 141 the various changes and chances of a military life, thence to the different climes and countries through which, in the course of service, it is not unfrequently the soldier's lot to wander. On all these subjects, I found my companion pos- sessed of such information as evinced that, in his progress through life, he had not hurried on with a careless or unobservant eye ; the few sentences with which he had at first replied to my observations, in- creased in frequency and length, and, as the subject of his profession, its arduous duties, its pleasures and its cares, came more under our review, the deep dejection under which he had originally appeared to labour, softened into an expression of equanimity, at times almost rising into cheerfulness. Every, suc- ceeding moment I grew more pleased with the manner and sentiments of my new acquaintance, and heartily should I have regretted the arrival of the vehicle, which was to convey us to the place of our destination, had I not recollected that it rested with myself to decide whether our interview should be thus abruptly cut short or not. The rolling of wheels, the pattering of horses' hoofs, in conjunction with the cracking of the coachman's whip, and the shrill tantivy of the guard's horn, were now heard at a short distance in our rear, and an- nounced the approaching termination of our walk. 1 had, as I have said already, fostered an incipient design of emigration from the interior to the exterior of that " infernal machine," and I was abundantly confirmed in my intention, when, on its coming up, and the guard tendering me his arm to assist me in resuming the situation I had quitted, I discovered, through the medium of more senses than one, that a 142 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. most serious catastrophe had taken place there during my absence. Master Johnny had, it seems, previously to his introduction into that sepulchre of the living, been tolerably well provisioned for his journey. Indepen- dently of a hearty supper on ham and oysters, his pockets had been crammed with a fanciful variety of sweetmeats, and he had been farther furnished forth with a huge plum cake, which he carried, enveloped in brown paper, on his knees. On this said cake he had commenced a formidable attack before we had reached the first milestone out of London, and, as the poor child laboured most heartily in his vocation, by the time we had arrived at the end of the first stage, he had reduced his " Ossa to a wart." An addition so vast, and composed of such discordant materials, to the load with which she was previously encumbered, was a burthen far heavier than Dame Nature chose to bear; the Goddess turned restive, and the exertion, used by the young gentleman in expressing his tribu- lation, assisting her endeavours, no sooner did the coach "move on" again, than, by a sudden and vigo- rous effort, she succeeded in disengaging herself from a considerable portion of the weight which oppressed her, transferring the onus to the lap of the Quaker in the opposite corner, to the visible discomposure and defilement of his outward man. The patience of Friend Penn himself could scarcely have withstood so sudden and so severe a trial, much less that of Hezekiah Brimmer, whom Satan seized the opportunity to buffet sorely, and, like a cunning fiend as he is, nearly succeeded, more than once, in forcing an ugly word of malediction beyond the aperture of the good man's lips. As it was, Hezekiah seized the unlucky culprit with M.-K COUSIN NICHOLAS. 143 the arm of the flesh, and shook him unmercifully ; but this ill-advised measure only served to produce a repe- tition of the offence, by which, from the different attitude which poor John had been forced to assume, his mamma and the honest tar now became fellow- sufferers. As the guard opened the door, the storm within was at its height, and it may be questioned whether a greater confusion of tongues was heard in Babel itself within the same number of square feet. I did not hesitate a moment as to the course to be pursued; but, bidding the man close the door, sprang up the side of the carriage, and placed myself by my late companion, who had already re-occupied his seat. Half-a-crown to the coachman procured me the loan of a supernumerary surtout, well calculated to keep out the night air, and, thus caparisoned, I felt myself in an absolute Paradise compared with the Tartarus now immediately below me. If I might judge by the satisfaction he expressed, the arrangement was not less agreeable to my fellow-traveller than to myself: he was still, indeed, at times pensive and abstracted ; but his conversation, though of a grave and sombre cast, possessed an undefined charm that continued to amuse and interest me exceedingly. I know not how it happened that our discourse, which had hitherto been confined principally to the manners, customs, and habits of foreign nations, as compared with, or distinguished from, our own, now turned insensibly upon their superstitions. The Brownie of Scotland, the Obi of the Negroes, the Hungarian Vampire, the German Rubezahl, and even the now nearly subverted empire of the Fairies in our own country, all came by turns under our review. It was not till the famous and inexhaustible subject 144 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. of Ghosts became our theme, that the slightest dis- cordance of opinion existed between us ; but, when this celebrated topic came at last upon the tapis, I could not but perceive an evident and decided reluc- tance in my companion to enter upon the discussion. The levity, with which I at first treated the notion of a visit from the dead to the living, seemed, I could not imagine why, to displease him ; his answers to my remarks, if not absolutely petulant, were delivered in a tone by no means consonant with that urbanity and self-possession which he had up to this moment invariably maintained. His constrained replies ended at length in a pause of more than common duration. In the meantime the singular stillness and brilliancy of the night, the countless myriads of burning stars that gemmed the dark-blue heavens above us, the mild and mellow lustre that prevailed, interrupted only by the momentary coruscations of some transient meteor, numbers of which, like stars darting from their spheres, occasionally shed a gleam of surpassing radiance as they winged their way across the ex- panse, the finely contrasted shades of the brown woods which clothed on either hand a sort of defile, at the entrance of which we had now arrived, and up whose steep ascent our conductor allowed his horses to proceed at an easier pace, all, the whole scene, which developed Nature in her most captivating state of tranquil majesty, so enchanted me, that, with the subject we had been discussing fresh in my mind, I could not forbear exclaiming in the words of the poet, " How sweet and solemn is this midnight scene ! At such an hour as this, in such a spot, Jf ancestry can be in aught believ'd, Descending Spirits have convers'd with Man, And told the secrets of the world unknown ! " MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 145 My companion shuddered as I pronounced the last two lines, and fixed his gaze alternately on the woods that hemmed us in on either side, as if he indeed expected to behold some supernatural visitant issue from their deep recesses. The wild expression of his countenance was altogether so remarkable, that I could not avoid taking notice of it. " Really, Sir," I continued, laughing, " I could almost persuade myself that you had indeed resolved to give that credence to our worthy ancestors on this formidable subject, which their unbelieving posterity seem determined to refuse them." "And why should I not?" returned he, in a voice serious even to sadness, and betraying, as I imagined, some slight token of displeasure ; " what is there so ab- surd in the idea that the disembodied spirit should yet desire to linger among the scenes it has delighted in, or joy to watch over and protect the happiness of those whom it has loved ?" " Absurd ? nay, I do not go the length of pro- nouncing the idea absurd ; the theory, on the contrary, is a mighty pretty one, and at times I am almost tempted to regret that it rests on so unsub- stantial a foundation. For my own part I should desire nothing better than to discover the Ghost of some good-natured Grandmother occasionally at my elbow, with sage hints for the better conducting of my life and manners ; or some maiden Aunt, of a dozen generations' standing, extending her long and bony finger to intimate where I might replenish an exhausted exchequer by the discovery of some recon- dite pot of money." The voice of my companion assumed additional sternness as he replied " These, and silly tales like these, the foolish inventions of boys and idiots, the L 146 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. babblings of nurses, and the visionary dreams of mercenary blockheads, eager in believing what they earnestly wish for these they are that have thrown suspicion on the actual visits of immortal beings, undertaken for far higher purposes, and with far nobler designs than the pointing out a few ounces of sordid dross, or with the still more contemptible view of exciting causeless terror in beings so infinitely below their purified nature. These are the tales which the careless and the vain mix up, and associate in their imagination with recorded facts of a more dignified description, facts to the authenticity of which some of the wisest and best of men have borne testimony in all ages of the world." " I am fully aware," rejoined I, " that many of the narratives you allude to appear to rest upon no mean authority ; that Plutarch, for instance, has given us several, while, in more modern times, the comprehen- sive mind of that 'Giant in intellect,' our own Johnson, was deeply imbued with a similar persuasion ; yet, nevertheless, I cannot help imputing the whole system, which has obtained from the darker ages down to our more enlightened days, either to successful imposture, or to the effects of a strong imagination operating upon weak nerves. That many of these traditionary anecdotes were firmly believed by the persons who have handed them down, and even by some who were actors in the scenes described, I entertain no doubt ; still I am not a whit the nearer giving my assent to the actual appearance of any one spectre, from that of Caesar down to the scarcely less celebrated one of Sir George Villiers, or Mrs. Veal with her 'rustling silk gown.'" " And on what is this disbelief founded ? You doubtless admit that Providence governs the world by MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 147 general laws ; what is there, then, ridiculous in sup- posing that those laws may be occasionally dispensed with if, indeed, they can be said to be dispensed with at all ; for we positively know nothing of their constitutions, when the high and inscrutable pur- poses of Heaven require it ? when the detection of secret guilt, or the punishment of open villany, demand its interference ? " " Well," cried I, in the same tone which I had maintained throughout the whole conversation, " on occasions of such moment as those to which you allude, still less should I wish to deny myself to any deceased gentleman or lady who might think proper to favour me with a call. The redressing of wrong and the re- establishing of right is a glorious task, and, with a Ghost to back one, and take all the responsibility upon itself, must be especially delightful ; I really could almost wish I might be selected by some aerial avenger for so very respectable an office. " Now, Heaven in its mercy forbid ! " exclaimed he, with a wild energy that made me start, then clasping his hands, which still quivered with some strong emotion, " You know not what you are asking ; rash and unthinking young man, bitterly would you rue the hour should your mad wish be granted ! " His whole frame shook with agitation, his eyes glistened in the moonlight with an unnatural bright- ness, and his tones sank into even sepulchral hoarse- ness, as he continued " No ! Heaven forbid that another wretch should suffer the torments which have been mine since first this dreadful commission was enjoined me ! " He paused, and, unclasping his hands, covered with them the whole of his countenance. L 2 148 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. During the latter part of his ejaculation he had ap- peared to have become totally unconscious of my presence ; and the strange import of the words he had used, together with the violent agitation which assailed him, combined to give strength to an opinion I had before begun to form, that the intellects of my new acquaintance were, on this point at least, not altogether unclouded. True, that on every other subject his conversation had been of a superior description ; that he had diffused, with no sparing hand, much valuable information, chastened by a correctness of thinking, a genuine taste and elegance of expressfon, that evinced the richness and cultivation of his mind : still I was quite aware that among the melancholy victims of mental aberration, such circumstances are by no means uncommon ; that, in numerous instances, the fatal malady lies dormant and unsuspected, till some one pre- conceived and rooted idea, which has warped the imagination, is accidentally called into play, and succeeds, for a time, in driving reason from her throne. Such, I now began to be apprehensive, might be the unhappy condition of my fellow-traveller, when his emotion having, at length, in some degree subsided, I ventured to direct his attention to the faint streak of golden light that now niarked the extremity of the horizon, as the grey tints of morning succeeded the darker shadows of a night fast hastening to its close. But my hopes of thus diverting his thoughts from what, I felt convinced, was a subject of pain and dis- tress to him, proved abortive. In vain did I point out to his observation the beauties of the surrounding landscape, which every moment rendered more dis- tinct; in vain did the mounting skylark welcome with his cheerful notes the first beam of the rising sun, MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 149 that glittered on his little breast, while all below lay yet unconscious of its cheering influence ; in vain did vegetation, redolent of sweetness, convey to the charmed sense the choicest perfume ; wrapt in a melancholy gloom, he appeared dead to the charms of Nature that surrounded him, while the few replies, which I at times succeeded in eliciting, were so cold and constrained, and were pronounced with an air so distrait, that I at length ceased to importune him by remarks, which only seemed to annoy him, and, turn- ing my thoughts inward for the remainder of the journey, became insensibly almost as abstracted as himself. My cogitations, it must be confessed, were by no means of an agreeable nature. Wounded in every feeling by the unaccountable conduct of Lord Manning- ham, I would have given worlds for power to banish him and his lovely daughter from my recollection, and to have " left them to their pride ; " but this I found myself utterly incapable of performing ; my chains were too securely riveted to be so easily shaken off 1 ; I loved with all the intensity of a young and first passion ; and as I recalled to mind the pleasing thought that she at least had given me no offence, hope failed not to whisper that the behaviour of her father, if indeed it had ever reached her knowledge, must be viewed by her with the same disapprobation as it was by myself. Youth is naturally vain and sanguine, and I flattered myself that the time spent in her company at the theatre had not been thrown away, though what on earth could have taken her into that part of it, so ac- companied, was a mystery beyond my power to solve. If I had read the language of her expressive eyes aright, the penchant had been reciprocal ; and, as this L 3 150 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. delightful idea took possession of my imagination, the remembrance of his lordship's strange harshness com- paratively faded from my mind. I began to rack my invention to furnish excuses for his conduct ; an eager desire laid hold upon me to unravel the mistake, which I became more and more convinced must have taken place, and to receive the apologies which, at the denouement, he would undoubtedly tender to my ac- ceptance with no small confusion of face. I was roused from my reverie by a circumstance which threatened utterly to subvert all my castle- building in the very outset ; this was no other than the overturning of the coach, and my consequent descent in a narrow but rapid stream, that ran beneath a bridge, on the centre of which we were when the accident occurred. What was the immediate cause of our sudden descent is more than I am able to state; whether the tackling and cordage, so plentifully lavished by " Bill," upon the fractured splinter-bar, had given way, in spite of all the combined science of himself and honest Jack, or whether any other part of the machinery had been equally unsound, I cannot say; all I know is, that I found myself in a moment up to my neck in the river. Of all sublunary applications there is, perhaps, not one which possesses greater efficacy in a love case than that of a good sousing in cold water ; if its effects fail to be permanent, they at- least give the fit a complete check for the time ; and in cases where a radical cure is out of the question, that is no trifling point gained. Heaven is my witness I confess it with shame that for a full hour after my ducking, I thought no more of Amelia Stafford than I did of the Lady Godiva. MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 151 Notwithstanding the impediment thrown in my way by my borrowed " Upper Benjamin," I was not long in regaining the bank. The coachman I found already upon his legs : he had fallen against the para- pet of the bridge, which, at the expense of a pretty severe bruise, had prevented his going over. The same parapet had also saved the carriage itself from being dashed upon the ground: it rested against its edge ; and though the shock was severe, the occupants of the interior of the coach were, through this for- tunate interposition, much more alarmed than injured. They were relieved from the awkwardness of their recumbent position, without much difficulty, by the assistance of the guard, who, clinging to the iron-work of his seat, had escaped being thrown off at all. It was not till the lapse of a few seconds had enabled me to recover from the confusion I had fallen into from the united effects of the tumble, and of the quantity of cold water which I had unwillingly swal- lowed, that I missed my companion. He was not on the bridge; he was nowhere to be seen. I rushed back to the spot where I had con- trived to scramble out of the water, and, as I cast a hurried glance down the river, saw one of his arms rise above the surface, at some distance down the current, which was bearing him rapidly away. I flew rather than ran along the bank, till I arrived opposite the spot where I could behold him faintly struggling to disencumber himself of the cloak, which impeded all his efforts, and would have reduced him, in a very few minutes more, to a similar condition with those immaterial beings for whose " revisiting the glimpses of the moon " he had shown himself so sturdy a stickler. If, however, his cloak had hitherto occasioned his danger, it now served as an instrument 152 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. of release from his perilous position, as the firm grasp which I was enabled to take of it conduced not a little to his preservation. When I had succeeded in dragging him up the bank, he was so completely exhausted as to be in- capable of supporting himself, and indeed was scarcely sensible of his situation ; but by degrees his recol- lection, as well as some portion of his energy, returned, and he was at length able, with the assistance of my arm, to regain the high road. The place where this disaster had befallen us was fortunately just at the entrance of a considerable village, the inhabitants of which had, from no great distance, witnessed our mishap, and now came running down to offer their aid, and ask questions. These, in our present dripping condition, I felt very little in- clined to answer ; so, cutting short a long string of interrogatories, such as " Whether the gentleman was much hurt?" "Whether we had been in the water?" a fact no human looker-on could possibly doubt for an instant, and others of a similar cast, I proceeded, with as much expedition as the weakened state of my protege would admit, to where a tall sign-post exposed to view the Kit-Cat effigy of a gentleman with an iron cuirass and a bald head, which the neighbourhood had agreed, in courtesy to the landlord, to consider a striking likeness of the Marquis of Granby. " Whoe'er has travell'd life's dull round, Where'er his various course has been, May sigh to think how oft he found His warmest welcome at an inn 1 " So says Shenstone ; and for my own part, I am little inclined to dispute the truth of the poet's axiom. On this occasion, especially, the round and ruby-coloured face of our good-humoured landlady, Mrs. Blenkinsop, MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 153 already shining with all the radiance of a well-scrubbed mahogany table, exhibited tenfold lustre as she wel- comed us into a snug little room behind the bar. This "shady, blest retreat" was furnished with a variety of huge case-bottles, that promised much of comfort, and disclosed besides to our enraptured gaze the still more cheering prospect of a blazing fire to persons in our predicament, perhaps, the greatest desideratum on earth. It was in vain that I requested my companion to retire to bed ; nor were the assurances of Mrs. Blen- kinsop that "her beds were well aired, and good enough for a lord to lie on," of more avail : he per- sisted in his refusal, declaring that a tumbler of mulled port, and a change of dress, were all that was requisite to the restoration of his comfort. I thought otherwise ; but he was deaf to persuasion, and, like most obstinate people, carried his point. The wine, by our landlady's assistance, was soon procured ; and under the same auspices, a lad was despatched to the fractured vehicle for our baggage. The Marquis of Granby, whose hospitable walls now afforded us an asylum, was, I well knew, in point of distance, scarcely more than twelve miles from Under- down, and as, now that the disarrangement which rny person had undergone, inside as well as out, was tolerably rectified, I found myself very little, if at all, the worse for my aquatic adventure, I requested mine hostess, who was evidently Lady of the ascendant, to inform me if her hotel, among its other excellences, could afford the luxury of a postchaise. In fact, I did not feel by any means inclined to trust my neck farther to a conveyance organised of such frail materials as woful experience had convinced me the one from which I had so nearly met the fate of 15* MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. Phaeton, was composed of; nor should I have repeated the experiment, even had the delay I must have sub- mitted to during the necessary repairs been out of the question. With a multiplicity of courtesies, each succeeding one lower than the former, the good- natured little woman assured me that I could be accommodated with " a very elegant" one, the unoccu- pied corner of which I frankly offered to my new acquaintance, who was, I found, as desirous as myself of proceeding with all convenient despatch. At the same time I assured him, that if the urgency of his affairs would allow him to accept the hospitality of the Hall, I could venture, in the absence of my worthy Uncle, its proprietor, to assure him a cordial welcome from my mother, adding, with more of levity than caution, that " a renowned ancestor of mine, one Sir Roger de Bullwinkle, who was said nightly to peram- bulate the mansion armed cap-a-pie, might possibly furnish him with an additional argument in favour of his theory of Ghosts and Goblins. " The words had hardly escaped my lips when the change in his countenance showed me that I had been wrong in hazarding this ill-timed pleasantry. When I named the redoubted Roger, he recoiled with a shuddering earnestness, as if he had been about to tread upon a viper ; and his eyes gleamed with an expression almost amounting to ferocity. His nether lip quivered with suppressed emotion, and his voice faltered, as, after a brief pause, he indistinctly declined a proposal which, from the smile that had lit up his countenance at its commencement, I had made myself certain he would have accepted. Heartily vexed with myself at my want of con- sideration, I apologized for the allusion, and again pressed him to accompany me. He continued, how- MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 155 ever, firm in his refusal, while he shook his head mournfully, and, as it now seemed to me, " more in sorrow than in anger," telling me that he began to fear he had indeed overrated his strength when he proposed continuing his journey so soon, that he should therefore give up the idea, and seek such re- pose as his pillow might afford him." I was not less pleased than surprised at this deter- mination, as I really thought a good warm bed and medical attendance most fitting, by far, for a person who had suffered from remaining in the water so long as he had done ; I no longer therefore endeavoured to shake his resolution, but contented myself with press- ing him earnestly to favour me with a visit before he quitted that part of the country. With an air and look solemn even to dejection, he promised that he " would see me again ; " and, taking up my valise which I had thrown carelessly upon the table, handed it to the multifarious personage who, in the several capacities of boots, waiter, ostler, and occasionally chambermaid, was minister for the home department at the Granby's Head. Before he altogether relinquished it to the grasp of the aforesaid functionary, his eye rested upon the brass-plate which occupied its centre. " Charles Stafford, Esq." read he. That, then, is the name of my preserver ? " " Of your fellow-passenger," returned I, as, giving up the valise to the man who placed it in the chaise, he took my hand " Of your fellow-passenger, and of one who hopes soon to see you perfectly recovered from the effects of a ducking which he would have been glad to have prevented altogether." I had one foot upon the step of the chaise, Mister Boots was holding open the door and gazing on me 156 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. with glances, sharpened by expectation my mysteri- ous companion wrung my hand strongly, " Adieu ! " uttered he in an agitated tone, " adieu ! young gentleman, and may Heaven grant that you may never have reason to curse bitterly the hour in which you drew me from the stream ! " He turned abruptly from me, and the postboy, cracking his whip, set off in a canter towards Under- down, before I had half recovered from the surprise which my new friend's strange adjuration had thrown me into. CHAPTER XIV. Home ! Home ! Sweet, sweet Home ! There's no place like Ho-ome ! There's no place like Home ! BISHOP. Canst thou not minister to a mind diseas'd ? Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow, Raze out the written troubles of the brain, And with some sweet oblivious antidote Cleanse the foul bosom of that perilous stuff That weighs upon the heart ? Macbeth in Trouble. A RETURN. AN INVALID. A SNUBBING. A CHARGE. A CALLING IN. A CALLING OUT. LITTLE more than an hour had elapsed when the tall chimneys of the Hall, which, like most of those belonging to buildings of the same era, towered high above its slanting roofs and gable ends, appeared, MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 157 rising over the summits of the lofty trees that 'em- bosomed the edifice, and giving to it, when viewed from a distance, almost the air of a castellated mansion. There is a something in the return to our home, however short the period of our absence from it may have been, which always produces a kindly and com- placent feeling in our bosoms ; and this feeling acquires tenfold strength, when we know that the roof we are revisiting contains beneath it hearts which will throb at our arrival with sensations responsive to our own. In spite of the unpleasant and irritating circumstances which had occasioned my unexpected return, I could not help experiencing this genial glow, as the chaise, issuing from the long avenue of sturdy oaks, the scene of my Cousin ^Nicholas's early achievements in the art of horsemanship, drew up to the steps which led to the antique portal, over whose high and pointed arch the " three golden fetterlocks" of the Bullwinkles stood forth in strong relief. The current of my ideas underwent a sudden and immediate revulsion as the venerable butler presented himself to receive me. The subdued alacrity, the sober energy of manner, with which this ancient re- tainer of the family was wont to welcome home any of its members, had sunk into an appearance of sadness and depression. As I hastily sprang past the inferior domestic who opened the chaise-door for me, I saw at once that some calamity was impending over the house, and had occasioned this unwonted gravity in the most attached of its dependents. Sir Oliver was absent ; my mother then was ill was dead ! A cold shudder ran through my veins as the dread- ful idea presented itself to my imagination, and I experienced a degree of relief, amounting to thankful- ness, when I found that my fears \vere not verified in 158 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. their fullest extent, although but too sufficient reason remained for apprehension. Mrs. Stafford had indeed been seized with sudden indisposition a few days before my arrival, on perusing a letter which she had received from London, the con- tents of which had evidently created in her no slight degree of agitation. Her illness had at first excited much alarm, but, as it was now hoped, had taken a favourable turn. She had expressed a strong desire to see her son, and had requested that I might be summoned as soon as pos- sible. An express had accordingly been got ready, but was countermanded afterwards by her own posi- tive orders, since which she had sunk into a kind of apathetic lethargy, the more unaccountable, inasmuch as the first approaches of her disorder had been at- tended by symptoms of so different and so much more violent a nature. Such was the account imparted to me by Jennings as I entered the vestibule, and I had no reason either to doubt the accuracy of his intelligence, or to be for one moment at a loss to divine the cause which had produced so lamentable an effect. I have already said, that a strong affection for my mother was one of the most rooted principles of my nature ; it was entwined with the very fibres of my heart ; and a degree of bitterness, greater than I had supposed it possible for any circumstance to have originated in my mind towards a human being, now swelled my bosom against Lord Manningham, and almost rose to my lips in curses. That " the letter," the perusal of which had thus affected my mother, was of his lordship's inditing, I could not entertain a doubt. That it contained some tale a tale so dreadful to a fond parent's ear of a MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 159 loved son's disgrace, was still less to be questioned ; and as the events of the week gone by, which Miss Stafford's beauty had partly succeeded in banishing from my mind, now rushed in irresistible strength upon my recollection, deeply as I felt the indignity I had sustained, a thousand times more deeply did I resent the sufferings inflicted by it upon my beloved parent. The good old Jennings, who observed the emotions I so plainly exhibited, opened the door of the break- fast parlour, and respectfully followed me into it. He seemed affected by my distress ; nevertheless, through the habitual deference which the faithful fellow pre- served towards me, I could not but perceive a degree of constraint, and a reserve of manner, which told me, quite as plainly as words could have done, that, in his opinion, my own conduct had drawn down this visitation upon me, and that to it only had I to look for a solution of the cause of my mother's in- disposition. With this man I had been a favourite from a child. From the first hour in which I had been introduced at the Hall, Jennings had exhibited, in a thousand ways, the preference with which he had distinguished me above his young master a preference which grew only the more obvious as we advanced in years, and which, doubtless, derived its origin from the love and respect he, in common with all the old domestics, had ever entertained for my mother, whose secession from her paternal roof they had seen with feelings of regret, little alleviated by the conduct of her successor, Lady Nelly. Of all the servants of the family who had witnessed her abdication, Jennings alone had remained to hail her re -establishment, and had, in fact, from his known and tried attachment, been considered both by 160 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. her and myself, rather in the light of an humble friend than of a common menial. Conscious as I was of the falsehood of the charge which his sorrowful and penetrating look seemed to impute to me, my spirit rose against the fancied accu- sation, and with an air of infinitely greater hauteur than I had ever before exhibited towards him, or any other domestic, I ordered him to let Mrs. Stafford be informed of my arrival, and of my wish to be ad- mitted immediately to her presence. " Ah, Master Charles ! " replied the old roan, mournfully shaking his hoary head as he retired, while an unbidden tear seemed starting from his eye, " But I shall do your bidding, Sir." He closed the door slowly, and, as I thought, re- luctantly, behind him ; a pang of self-disapprobation seized upon me as it shut him from my view, and I half moved forward to retract my petulance, and dis- miss him with a kindlier greeting. The thought un- avoidably occurred, why did I feel offended with him? Whence arose that mild dejection of his furrowed countenance which I had construed into unmerited upbraiding ? Whence but from the regard he bore to my mother, and why should I deny it ? to my- self? Still the consciousness that it was unmerited restrained me, and checked the impulse which inclined me to follow him. In a few minutes, which were passed by me in the utmost anxiety, and which appeared to my impatience prolonged to as many hours, he returned. " Mrs. Stafford was asleep." Unable to remain longer by myself in such an annoying state of suspense, I walked hastily towards the staircase, extending my hand to Jennings as I passed. The old man took it reverently, and would MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 161 have raised it to his lips, but, with a cordial pressure that bespoke my compunction for having treated him with unwonted harshness, I released it from his grasp, and directed my steps to the apartment of my mother. A silence, still and solemn as that of death, reigned throughout the room; while the half-closed shutters, and shadowing curtains that admitted but a few faint rays of light, contributed not a little to the gloom of the scene. I advanced to the foot of the bed, and gazed upon my mother. She was wrapped in slumber, but her sleep seemed, ever and anon, disturbed ; and the fre- quent contraction of her brow, as a deep-drawn sigh, or a few broken and unconnected words, occasionally escaped her, announced that all was not at peace within. At such moments her favourite attendant Martha, who with Miss Pyetinch watched her pillow on opposite sides, would rise and look anxiously at her pale countenance, the snowy hue of which was only invaded by a small spot of vivid red that marked the centre of each cheek, and exhibited to the view a hectic glow as dangerous as it was beautiful. But her affectionate gaze was met by no answering glance; my mother still reposed, if repose that could be called, when the restless and variable expression of her fea- tures showed that her mind, at least, was far from enjoying tranquillity. She was indeed much altered since I had seen her last, and I trembled with newly awakened apprehension as the idea took possession of me, that a short, a very short period might deprive me of my only parent. Finding it impossible to suppress my emotion, and warned, by the impressive gestures of her attendants, that the uncontrolled ebullition of my feelings might disturb and arouse her, I quitted the room as silently M 162 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. as I had entered it, but with a heavy heart. Miss Pyefinch followed, and in her way endeavoured to offer me consolation. Notwithstanding her eccentricity, and some other points in her character which might perhaps have been altered to advantage, she was not a bad- hearted woman in the main; I verily believe she participated in the sorrow into which she beheld me plunged, and would have done anything in her power to have alleviated it; but her endeavours were far better in the intent than the execution, and at length I, not without difficulty, succeeded in persuading her to leave me to myself, after she had given me all the information in her power to communicate respecting the commencement of this alarming accession to my mother's malady; her information, however, amounted to little more than I had previously gathered from the relation of the honest Jennings. After more than half an hour, spent in a state the irksomeness of which may be easily imagined, I was favoured with a communication from Dr. Drench, who had arrived to visit his patient. The information he gave me contributed not a little to re-assure me, as he said he found her much better than from her appear- ance at his last visit he had dared to anticipate. She had awakened from her slumber while he was in the room, and had evidently derived much benefit and refreshment from it ; the fever, which had heretofore raged in her veins, had undergone a material reduc- tion. Still he recommended that the greatest caution should be observed to prevent any thing from reaching her which might at all tend to produce a return of the agitation which had before so sensibly affected her, and even advised that the circumstance of my having arrived should, for the present at least, be kept from her knowledge. To this arrangement, however, I MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 163 positively refused my consent, and, finding that my perseverance (obstinacy, he called it), was not to be overcome, he at last yielded, though with a very bad grace, and a stipulation that, if it must be so, the com- munication should at all events be made by himself, while the interview should terminate the moment he should pronounce it necessary. To this proposal I unhesitatingly assented, and saw him depart to execute his self-imposed commission, with a much greater degree of satisfaction than a few short minutes since I had thought it possible for me to experience. To do the worthy dispenser of chemicals and galen- icals justice, he acquitted himself of his task with much ability, and was pleased to find, when he had imparted his news in a manner as little abrupt as might be, that his patient seemed to derive much satisfaction from the intelligence, and even intimated a desire that I should be at once conducted to her presence. For the first time in our lives my mother received me with a cold look and an averted eye. I sensibly felt her displeasure, but refrained from noticing it, lest the conversation, which my so doing would inevitably lead to, should transgress the bounds prescribed by the doctor. Our interview, thus restricted, was brief and unsatis- factory to both parties ; but before I quitted the room, as I affectionately kissed her cheek a salute which she received, but condescended not to return I could not forbear whispering that I had no doubt of being able to convince her that my conduct had been shame- fully misrepresented, whenever she should be suffi- ciently recovered to listen to my vindication. Tears filled her eyes as she shook her head doubtingly, but I M 2 364 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. was delighted to find that she could not refrain from giving the hand that had taken hers a half reluctant pressure, when Drench, who was narrowly watching us, suspecting that we were infringing upon the terms on which he had allowed my introduction to the sick- room, broke in abruptly, and put an end to the con- ference by hurrying me along with him down stairs. Impatient and anxious as I naturally was to ascertain the specific nature of the faults laid to my charge, I was compelled for the present to repress my curiosity, as Mrs. Stafford had not communicated the contents of the letter she had received to any one, although, from the language which had unwittingly escaped her, no one entertained the slightest doubt that it contained some story of my delinquency or disgrace. She had never parted with it, but, as I learned on inquiry from Miss Kitty, it still rested beneath her pillow, from which situation she had directed that it should not be removed. On the following morning I rose early, and heard with delight that she had passed a much more tranquil night than she had hitherto done since her seizure ; but my request to be admitted to see her was met by a decided negative from herself, until I should have perused a letter which she had commissioned Miss Pyefinch to deliver to me. The appearance of the packet, which was enclosed in a sealed envelope, and addressed to me in her own handwriting, satisfied me that it contained the mischievous epistle which had occasioned her illness. I was not mistaken ; the letter was, moreover, as I had rightly anticipated, from Lord Manningham, and ran as follows : " MY DEAR SISTER, It is with no common feelings that I address you upon a subject as painful to me as MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. 165 1 know it will be distressing to yourself ; nor is it without the greatest reluctance that I find myself com- pelled to inflict upon a parent's heart so severe a wound as that which cannot but be caused by the story of the disgraceful conduct of a son. When I add that my own hopes are blighted, and the long-cherished project nearest my heart is, by the same conduct, frustrated and destroyed, I need scarcely say that my grief and disappointment are hardly inferior to your own. " From that fatal moment when my Amelia became the sole object left to which I could direct my parental affection, it was my most fervent wish that the son of my lamented Charles might be the person to secure her that happiness which I would not allow myself to doubt he would be found worthy to share ; and I had pictured to myself the pleasing prospect of witnessing their felicity, and growing old amidst the children of two beings the nearest and dearest to me in the world judge then of iny disappointment when I find myself compelled to renounce this first object of my hopes and prayers, while the painful conviction is forced upon me, that to secure the happiness of my child I must seek in some other family for that worth, inte- grity, and honour which I had fondly flattered myself I should have discovered in my own. " On my arrival in this country I addressed, as you cannot but remember, a letter to yourself, in which I candidly stated my wishes, and was highly gratified to find that yours so entirely coincided with them. If, on the subsequent visit of my nephew, I was not so much struck with the graces of his figure as, from your truly maternal description, I had expected to be, mere personal advantages, though I would not be thought to undervalue them, weigh so little with me, that, had his mental qualifications but stood the M 3 166 MY COUSIN NICHOLAS. test, I could gladly have compounded for a much smaller share of external grace than a mother's par- tiality would naturally invest him with. But this, I lament to say, has not been the case. " At their first interview in Grosvenor Square, I perceived that my daughter and my nephew were by no means such absolute strangers to each other as I had imagined ; though I am fully persuaded that Amelia, at least, was not aware of their affinity when chance threw them into each other's company at one of the theatres.