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5 I- J , ' C- J ;. 
 
 NET 
 
 HUMOROUS 
 MASTERPIECES 
 
 ^APICTURES ^O 
 
 Qt PH Y IL *0 
 
 MAY W 8 ^ 
 
 I M 
 
 i 
 
Humorous Masterpieces, No. 5 
 
 Pictures by Phil May 
 
 Printed by Robert MacLehose and Co. Ltd. Glasgow. 
 
Costkrs and Cockneys 
 
 'Api'y 'Ampstead. 
 ' Ere y'nre, Liclies' Tormentors. ' Two' n penny ! 
 
PICTURES 
 
 BY 
 
 PHIL \MAY 
 
 GOWANS & GRAY, Ltd. 
 
 5 Robert Street, Adelphi, London, W.C. 
 
 58 Cadogan Street, Glasgow 
 
He 
 M 
 
 ""'""^TvZm 
 
 First Edition, May, igoj. 
 
 Reprinted, June, 1907, January, 1908 
 
 (completing 16,000). 
 
*V ' HE Publishers take this opportunity 
 of thanking Messrs. IV. Thacker 
 & Co. for the readiness with which 
 they accorded permission for the repro- 
 duction of, the drawings contained in 
 this little book. They believe that these 
 examples of Phil May's work show that 
 inimitable artist at his best. 
 
 866917 
 
Costers and Cockneys 
 
 Ffiu H*v 
 
 !* 
 
 ' I 'ear as you don't walk hout with 'Arty Smith any more. ( 
 ' No, 'e wanted me to meet 'im incandescently, and I wouldn t do such 
 a thing, so I chucked 'im." 
 
Costers and Cockneys 
 
 I 
 
 % Arriet. " Ow ! ] s'y, look at 'is bloomin' 'At." 
 
 
Costers and Cockneys 
 
 W\ft\: 
 
 4 Wot's th' row up the Court, Bill ? " 
 
 1 Bob Smith was kissing my missus, and 'is old woman caught 'im 
 
COSTERS AND COCKNEYS 
 
 One Easter Monday. 
 ' Arrict {watching the funeral of 'Liza). " Nice sort of a Bank 'Oliday 
 for 'er, poor dear." 
 
Costers and Cockneys 
 
 1 What price this for Margit.' 
 
COSTEKS AND COCKNEYS 
 
 Fat Party {after a iva* of words). " If you come down our court 
 to-morrer and bring a bit o' fat with yer, I'll bloomin' well eat yer." 
 
Costers and Cockneys 
 
 " Ow I s'y, look at 'er frills. Got 'erself hup like a bloomin' 'am bone ! 
 
Brother Brushes 
 
 ' Do you want a Muddle, Sir." 
 
Brother Brushes 
 
 First R.A. (who hates to be interrupted in his hobby, but is doin* his 
 
 best to be polite). " Done any work to-day?" 
 Second R.A. "No, confound it. That stupid ass Brown came to 
 
 the studio and talked all the afternoon, couldn't do a stroke of 
 
 work. What do you do when some idiot comes and interrupts your 
 
 work?" 
 First R.A. " Oh, I go on weeding." 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
 ;< Come and 'ave a Cup of Tea, Mrs. Malony, it's the hanniversary of 
 my Weddin' Day. I'm >-orry my old man won't be there, 'cos e's 
 just got a Month for knocking me about." 
 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
 Fraternity. 
 "(Hie) Can't help you, ole f'la, but I'll sit down with you (hie)." 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
 * Mos' 'tronary thing ! a'most shertain th'was shome Coffee in it. ! 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
 VIRGIN VfNfCAR 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
 
 o (; Q 
 
 It must havk been Awful. 
 
 'S. Baggs (after receiving tornado of abuse from o~>er the road). 
 "Well, I never 'eard sich Langwidge in all my life. I never was 
 called sich Names before. Even my own 'usband doesn't call me 
 sen Names." 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
 " By the way, when does your American Tour come off?" 
 
 "Oh, not for about a Year." 
 
 " Well, let's go in here and have a Drink before you go." 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
 Urchin {to companion over the way). " Ow would that suit yer, Bill ?" 
 
In the Baks and Streets 
 
 'Did you go to Smith's burying?" 
 
 ' Yes, I did, an' a measly affair it was. Tea and Bread and Butter ! 
 
 I've buried two 'usbands, but, thank goodness, I buried 'em both 
 
 with Seedy Cake an' 'Am Sandwiches." 
 
In the Bars and Stkbets 
 
 1 I want ou to take me to St. John's Wood, Cabbie. - ' 
 'Ail ri.-lit, >ir, but would you mind getting in on the other side so as 
 the "Id horse don't see yer." 
 
In the Bars and Streets- 
 
 " I don't so much mind your sneaking my Pewters, but when it comes 
 to bringing 'em back in the shape of 'arf crowns it's a bit too 
 much. ' 
 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
 Bill Snooks (reading from a fashion paper). "'To be really we!l 
 dressed a man's clothe^ should have the appearance of having been 
 worn once or twice.' What O !" 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
 "What's 'e done, Guv'nor? 
 
In the Bars and Streets 
 
 (Hie!) Jacet. 
 
Studies and Sketches 
 
 The Mayor of Middle Wallop {who is interested in the decoration of 
 
 new theatre). " Oo's that gentleman you're painting?" 
 Artist. "That is William Shakespeare." 
 
 The M. o/M. IV. 11 'As 'e ever done anything for Middle Wallop?" 
 Artist. "No, Sir, not that I'm aware of." 
 The M. o/M. IV. "Then paint 'im out and paint Me in." 
 
Studies and Sketches 
 
 Bailiff {who has been -well treated and settled with). "Well, good- 
 bye, sir. See you again ' soon,' sir, I 'ope ! " 
 
Studies and Sketches 
 
 " Nuts for the Monkeys, Sir?" 
 
Studies and Sketches 
 
 American Million Heiress. "And have you really got a coronet?" 
 Lord Hardup. " Well ah yes at least I mean I've got the ticket." 
 
Studies and Sketches 
 
 Visitor to Lunatic Asylum. " Is that Clock right?" 
 
 TJie Dotty One. : ' 0' course it ain't, or it wouldn't be here.' 
 
Stluiks and Sketches 
 
 *W 
 
 Visitor to Lunatic As\ lum which is undergoing structural improve- 
 ments {to harmless lunatic who is extremely busy wheeling 
 barrow upside down). "You ought to turn that barrow the other 
 way up ! " 
 
 Harmless Lunatic {knowingly). "I did yesterday, but they put 
 Bricks in it." 
 
36 
 
 Studies and Sketches 
 
 
 DOTTYVILLE. 
 
 Inmate to new arrival. " What, you mad too f So glad." 
 
Studies and Sketches 
 
 Condoling Friend (to recently Bereaved Widower). "It must be 
 
 awfully hard to lose one's Wife." 
 The Bereaved "Yes, it's almost impossible." 
 
38 
 
 Studies and Sketches 
 
 Wife (to Lion Tamer who has been out late). " You Coward S " 
 
Within and Without the Ghetto 
 
 39 
 
 Sol Jacobs {to his friend the proprietor of the boat who has fallen 
 overboard, and has come to the surface for the second tune). 
 " I thay, Ikey, if yer don't come up again may I keep the Boat?" 
 
Within and Without the Ghetto 
 
 " What 'ave you got in dem boddles, lkey ? " 
 
 "Dera ain't boddles, dem's fire extinguishers." 
 
 " Garn, you ain't afraid of a bit of a fire." 
 
 " No, but I gets ten per cent, off the Insurance Company for having dem 
 
 about." 
 " What's in 'em." 
 " I don't know what was in 'em but there's kerosene in 'em now ! " 
 
Within and Without the Ghetto 
 
 "I must congratulate you, Mothes, dot vos a grandt fire of yours last 
 
 Tuesday." 
 "Vat yer mean? Not last Tuesday, next Tuesday." 
 
Within and Without the Ghetto 
 
 Moses (generously). " 'Ave a Thigar, lkey ? " 
 Ikey (susptciously). " Vat's the matter vith it ? " 
 
Within and Without the Ghetto 
 
 ' Good Morning, Miss Voss." t 
 
 ' My name is not Voss. It never Voss and never vill be.' 
 
Within and Without the Ghetto 
 
 Solomon (who has had a terriffic bang on the nose from his friend).- 
 " Do it again. Do it again. I can thee Diamonts ! ! ! " 
 
Within and Without the Ghetto 
 
 ' Father, I've thwallered a thoverign, and how am I to make the books 
 balance? You thee, I'm a pound in and a pound out." 
 
Among the Thespians 
 
 -ekik 
 
 
 In a Garrison Town. 
 First Loafer to Second Ditto (as our Jriends from the Circus pass 
 h)> "Officers!" 
 
With the Children 
 
 The Game of " Buttons." 
 Winner (to the ruined one). "Well, dash it all, old man, it yon wilt 
 go in for this s>ort of thing you must expect to lose a Button or two." 
 
48 
 
 With the Children 
 
 Uncle John. " Well, Bobby, bow did you manage to get out so soon? 
 Bobby. i '' Leg before, Uncle." 
 
With the Children 
 
 d 
 
 V ny 
 
 "YOU NEVER KNOW YOUR LUCK." 
 
 1 Hi ! come back, yer Silly 1 Do yer want to spile yer Luck?" 
 
With the Children 
 
 11 My Father 'e once caught a Fi>h as big as our Street ! " 
 11 Well, then, it must 'ave bin a Whale." 
 11 Gam, 'e were baitin' wi' Whales !" 
 
With the Children 
 
 'Why don't we have Open-Air Cafes? So pleasant to take one's 
 refreshment in the open air." {Vide newspapers.') 
 
With the Children 
 
 ' Do vou want a errand boy ? " 
 
 ' No." 
 
 'Yus you do, yours 'as just been runned over." 
 
With the Children 
 
 ' Don't 'e make a gawd of 'is Stummick ? Why, that's the second 
 a'porth I've seed 'im 'ave this mornin' ! " 
 
By the Sea 
 
 * You Naughty Boy, you'll fall over ! 
 
By the Sea 
 
 -1 1 1 
 
56 
 
 liy the Sea 
 
 M 'Taint so long ago, Willium, since you an' me was the dandies of Deal !" 
 
By the Sea 
 
 A 
 
 Scene Scarboro'. Time Sunday morning. Very muddy. In- 
 habitant. " Be thoo a strong mon ? " 
 
 A mateur weight-lifter {rather proud that his fame has spread s& 
 far). " Well, yes, my friend. I do a little in that way." 
 
 Inhabitant. 'Til lay thee a fiver, I'll put thee on thy back in t* muck." 
 
On the Country Side 
 
 Lodging-House Keeper (to Professional Lady). " Which my 'usband, 
 ML->s, is one of the Virgins at the Cathedral ! " 
 
On the Country Side 
 
 ' I heard as how you've been fighting with Bob Smith?" 
 1 Yus. He said my Sister was cross-eyed. " 
 
 I But you haven't got a Sister?" 
 
 I I know that. It was the Principle o' the thing that upset Me.' 
 
On the Country Side 
 
 S'fa Cl^N^ 
 
 Stout Party. 1 ' And can't I get to X without walking 
 
 Porter.'- Well, there's the Coal Train, Mum." 
 Stout Party. " How Much will it cost Me?" 
 Porter. " Seven Shillings a Ton ! " 
 
On the Country Side 
 
 'Have you got change for a Threepenny-piece, Adulphus? I want to 
 give the Porter a gratuity." 
 
62 
 
 Si'okting Sketches 
 
 1 Hullo, old chap, you look as if you'd had Sport ! In at the Kill ?" 
 ' Well, no. I was in at the Ditch and in at the River. We can't expect 
 to be in everywhere." 
 
M 
 
 ii 
 
 
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