A Tenderfoot Southern California B Y M.D.YESLAH A TENDERFOOT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA 14 ' ' OS ANGELES the greatest town for bargain sales. One store or another, has 'em every day out here. I got into the middle of a stocking sale once, and when I got out, and took account of stock, I didnt have all the clothes on I started in with, but I had two pairs of women's polka dotted stockings wound around my neck, and another pair in my pocket. 101 A TENDERFOOT Its a wonder I wasnt arrested for shop-lifting. I never saw such actions in all my life, Bill. Women, big and little, grabbed and pulled and hauled, and grunted and groaned, and seesawed back and forth, each one trying to spend some poor devil-of-a-husbands' hard earned dollars, while he was racing around town trying to " do " some other poor devil, to make both ends meet. Mebbe the hat he wore was last years and his shoes were out at the sides, and run down at the heels, but his wife was a close buyer and would, no doubt, bring him home a pair of light green socks, embroid- ered in yellow polka dots. In the scramble, one woman got hold of a single stocking, and another 102 A TENDERFOOT woman side of her, got hold of the mate to it, and a few jerks pulled them apart. And do you think either woman would give up her stocking ? Not much ! The clerk called the floor walker and he called the manager, but there was nothing doing. One of 'em said " she wouldnt let that piefaced female have that stocking if they called the police." So they each paid for one stocking and kept it. One woman bought seventeen pairs. "A woman cant have too many pairs of stockings," I heard her say. "This nasty yellow pair, I'll save until next Christmas and give 'em to Mrs. Brown, to pay her for that old 103 A TENDERFOOT ten cent handkerchief she sent me last Christmas." Think of it, Bill seventeen pairs of stockings these hard times I'm glad I aint married, b'gosh. The Angel City has plenty of mighty fine stores, barring a few whose bargain sales (in big red letters) are carried on midway a dinky little entrance door, where customers have to crowd and push their way through a bunch of half baked females buying real lace at 2 cents a yard. For a solid half hour, these women will stand, first on one foot and then on the other, hanging onto their bar- gain like a bull pup to an unwelcome pair of pants, waiting for a not over bright, gum chewing girl, who is frantically trying to add up nine times 104 A TENDERFOOT two, while she chews off the end of her lead pencil, and lifts her rat up an inch or two higher at the same time. Oh, I tell you Bill, its all very well to make fun of women going to bar- gain sales. If they do get a bargain, by gum, they earn it. Just one genuine bargain sale would lay out any strong man in about thirty seconds, and yet a frail and delicate woman, who cant possibly do her own housework, will get up before daylight so she can be down to the stores before the doors open, and for two mortal hours, she'll push and shove and squirm her way through a barricade of bargain crazy females, the sight of which would turn back a crowd of husky football players any day. 105 A TENDERFOOT Packed in like sardines, around a 2x4 table, grandmothers and grand- children, wedged in three and four deep, are panting and struggling, as they blindly push an arm through a small opening and grab hold of any- thing they can reach on the table. Whatever they grab, they hold onto, for fear they wont get hold of anything else. And when they get it home, and come to their senses, they wonder what in thunder they bought it for, anyway. The poor over worked husband uses a stronger word than "thunder," but her word means just as much to her, Bill, and its more ladylike. And for a free sample of "Zee- Nut" she will charge to the front of 106 A TENDERFOOT an army of wild-eyed females, who like herself cant see a sign with the word "Free" on it without stopping. You never saw a woman get three feet beyond a "Free" sign, Bill, without turning around and going back, to ask, "What is?" No-sir-ree. Its just as impossible for her to do it, as it is for her to rub her eye, without opening her mouth at the same time. They have to do it. Zee-Nut is a Los Angeles produc- tion, and only one of the many good things she has a right to swell up over. Its a mixture of popcorn, cocoanut and honey, and will shut up a snarling kid, and take the kinks out of a mean disposition, at the first bite. 107 A TENDERFOOT True, I broke a tooth off once, eating some of it, but a " Didnt hurt a bit," dentist, whose smiling face I'd know if I met it in a custard pie, in a "come-back" resturant dug out the roots for me, and didnt hurt a bit mebbe ! Once when I felt he had gone down about three feet, and was still going, I asked him if he thought he was boring for oil, or just digging post holes. That fellar ought to strike oil some day, for he certainly wasnt afraid of work. I'll bet, Bill, if he ever finds a fellar with a big enough mouth, he'll get into it with a pick and shovel and locate some mining claims before he quits. 108 ARROWHEAD HOT SPRINGS CHAPTER XIII RROWHEAD Hot Springs is another place I visited. Its a beautiful spot aint P?. no place up there to spend your money, except to give it to the landlord, and anyone else standing around. Funny the hotel folder reads, "No tips allowed. Any em- ployee accepting same will be fired." But they were all fire proof, I found. No, there aint much excitement in A TENDERFOOT up there. Its a fine place to sleep, Bill, if they'd let you. But they wake you up before daylight with ding-dong bells, like they do at some Sparring place in Europe, when you'd give your old hat to sleep until noon, and shorten up the day a little. If you follow the doctors orders, you must go down before breakfast and drink from the babbling brook. That water certainly does babble, all right. In fact, it talks right out loud. And it spells "Bad Eggs" very plainly even if you was blind and couldnt read. By gum, Bill, you have to hold your nose to get any where near the dipper. The water is scalding hot, and they said you could boil an egg in it. 112 A TENDERFOOT Some one certainly must have cor- nered a whole hen yard once and dumped hen fruit in by the car load. Of course they didnt, Bill, but I'm only trying to give you a faint idea of how bad that water smells. The Arrowhead itself is worth going miles to see, and some day the hotel people will make every tourist that arrives put on blinders and charge 'em two bits for a view of it. 113 SOME THINGS I BOUGHT IN LOS ANGELES CHAPTER XIV BOUGHT a set of monkey trip- lets in a Japanese store for two bits. Two bits, Bill, is Califor- nese for twenty-five cents. I got bit on 'em, too, for they sold 'em as low as five cents a set, later in the season, and at last gave 5 em away with a package of Japanese incense. Now, Japanese incense, Bill, is a lot of stuff pressed together hard, like 117 A TENDERFOOT Spratts Dog Biscuits, only in smaller doses, thank goodness, and it is sup- posed to smell mighty fine when you burn it, but suffering Peter a pile of rubbish burning in a Westlake alley, is a bunch of violets compared to it. Glue, old rubber boots, out of date eggs, last years hamburger and over ripe limburger all these and a few more, were never in their most "smelly" days, guilty of "acting up," like real Japanese incense burn- ing. These little monkeys I bought, come in all sizes, from the little baby monks, to the old grandaddies. They all sit up in a row, three of 'em, and one has his hands over his ears, the second covering his eyes, and the third has his hands over his mouth. 118 A TENDERFOOT I say "his," Bill, because they must certainly be boy monkeys a girl monkey, would never live long enough to have her first picture made, if she had to close her mouth, and her ears, and her eyes. You know that yourself, Bill. I asked the grinning Jap, I bought "em of, what they were up to. All I could get out of him was, that they were the "three wise monkeys," and meant, " I hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil." Mebbe they dont I dont know. I also bought a flea scratcher, at the same store. Never heard of one, did you ? Waal, they are little carved ivory hands about as big as a half dollar, with the fingers drawn up, ready for 119 A TENDERFOOT business. They are on the end of a long stick, and the trick is, to slide it up and down between the shoulder blades, and along your back bone, turning the gentleman over before he has bored a hole clean through you. They tell you in Los Angeles, that the people down in San Diego couldn't live without 'em. They are fashionable down there, and I heard that some of the society leaders gave "scratcher" parties, the most graceful handler of the scratcher, winning the prize. When you are in San Diego, they'll tell you this same story on Los An- geles. With the exception of San Fran- cisco, San Diego and Los Angeles love each other more than any two 120 A TENDERFOOT towns I've run across. Cant say enough about each other, while San Francisco and Los Angeles love so strongly, they could eat each other up. Speaking of fleas, you know, Bill, there are some people in this world who are so blamed mean, a flea wouldnt bite 'em. I met the meanest man in Cali- fornia the other day, and if I ever set eyes on him again, I'll bust him up in business, buying arnica and court plaster. That man told me the very first chance I got, to pick a ripe olive and eat it. I did. All I've got to say is, if ever I lay my hands on that critter, it will take 121 A TENDERFOOT him longer to close his face than it did me, after I ate one of 'em. There are some things in this world that seem to stick right in your throat, no matter how much you swallow over 'em and I'll bet, I'll never be able to get the taste of that olive, be- low my wind-pipe. I'll send a couple of 'em home, Bill, give 'em to your mother-in-law, and tell her to put 'em both in her mouth at once that they have to be eaten in pairs, and if she lives through it, and still believes in you, she'll stand by you till your money gives out. 122 JUST DREAMING CHAPTER XV ILL, didnt some fellar ask another once, "what was more rare than a day in June ? " If he'd asked me, I'd told him, "a winter in Los Angeles." If there's any place nearer Heaven on this earth, than a sunny winter day in Southern California, when as far as you can see, the grass is like a great green rug, and flowers of every color and kind, are in bloom when you 125 A TENDERFOOT can take your back home papers out under a big oak tree and lie down and read of some poor devil freezing to death, in a down-east blizzard if there's any place, Bill, that can hold a candle to it on this earth, or any other, yours truly dont want to know of it. Like the little fellar from Pasadena, this is good enough for your Uncle Eben. If you didnt have a calendar in your vest pocket, and didnt see a newspaper every day, you'd forget what month it is out here. To-day is the 9th of March, and its so hot, Bill, that if I was a dog, my tongue would be hanging out, and you could hear me pant clear across the street. 126 A TENDERFOOT There's a little spot near Los An- geles called Oneonta Park, named by the big fellar Huntington and owned by him, too. His home place is called Oneonta, back in York state, and he gave this beauty spot the same name. If the good people back in the original Oneonta could wake up some warm sunny morning in midwinter, and find themselves in the midst of roses and orange blossoms stretching out as far as they can see, instead of ice and snow, likewise stretching out further than they wish they could see they would wonder why Hunting- ton didnt call it Paradise for want of a better name, for it must have made him think of home its so different, Bill. 127 A TENDERFOOT Wonder where the fellar was lo- cated, that wrote the song called, " Listen to the Nightingale." He wouldnt had to worked so hard, if he'd been sitting here under this old oak tree with me. He would have had to put on the brakes, to keep from writing too many verses, for he couldnt have told it all in one or two. Now, I'd kinder like to write a song called, "Listen to the Turtle Doves," for there are twenty of 'em in the branches over my head, hold- ing a concert with the same number of mocking birds, and I'll bet my bottom dollar, I could kill enough quail if I was mean enough within a hundred feet of me, to be arrested for having too many in my possession. These quail are so tame, Bill, they 128 A TENDERFOOT seem more like pigeons out in the barn-yard back home. This aint no lie. You know yourself, I aint been out here long enough to get this ever- lasting lying desease in my system, and I'm willing to sit on top of a whole Bible factory and say what I've written is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. I may be getting a little daffy on California, Bill, but there are two things I havn't got yet bitten by a tarantula or acclimated. From some half baked farmers back home, who came to see me, when they heard I was going "clear way out to Californy," I expected to be dodging tarantulas the biggest part of the time. 129 A TENDERFOOT One of 'em heard they crawled into bed with you another that you'd find 'em in your boots in the morning and that if you didnt shake your boots hard before you put 'em on they'd bite your big toe and you'd have to have your toe cut off, or turn 'em up for good and all. The first night, when the fleas got after me, I thought of old Slim Peters, and remembered he said to take my jack knife and cut the toe off, just as soon as I felt the sting. But when I started to get it, I remembered again, I traded it to an Indian on the way out to California for a string of glass beads and that was the only thing, I guess, that saved my toe. I havent seen a tarantula yet, Bill, 130 A TENDERFOOT hard as I've hunted only stuffed ones in the stores. But I'm still hunting, for I've made up my mind to find one or bust, and I'll send it home to Slim Peters, C. O. D., when I do. The natives tell you it takes a year to get acclimated that means, Bill, getting the "back East" out of you, and the " California" into you. This has to happen to every one that stays here, just as the mumps and the measles are bound to come to every youngster, before he's been on earth very long. There are so many things to make you wish you was young again, out here. When I was a young fellar and took the girls home from prayer meetings and quilting parties, I re- A TENDERFOOT member I used to think I was a pretty gay boy with the girls and I kinder "took" with 'em, cutting out many a "steady" in those days, and I used to think the whole secret of it laid in my carrying the girls boquets of Canterberry Bells and Sweet Williams. That's the only kind of posies there was in the old garden at home, but what a wonderful chance a fellar in California has, to court a girl ! Flowers are dirt cheap everywhere, and Bill, its good for sore eyes to get a squint at the baskets of flowers you can see any day on the street corners of Los Angeles. Carnations, all colors, for ten cents a dozen think of it, and this in mid- winter, when back home you folks 132 A TENDERFOOT are wading through snow up to your suspender buttons, and blowing your stiff old fingers until your wind gives out. And they grow out of doors, acres of 'em, and in the sweet pea fields, they mow 'em down for market in- stead of cutting 'em. Life is too short to count 'em one two- three ; there are millions of 'em and violets you just never saw such a sight ! Solid banks of these purple blos- soms are tucked into vacant spaces, up against the buildings, everywhere throughout the business district, and only five cents for a generous bunch, while each blossom is as big as a quarter, and has a stem on it a quarter of a yard long. 133 A TENDERFOOT You neednt snicker, Bill, at what I've just said, for it's the truth, cross my heart. I know what I said about the biggest liars coming from back East, but you know me, Bill, and you know I've never lied to you yet, ex- cepting on that horse trade last sum- mer. These baskets of flowers on the street corners in the middle of winter, are the biggest boost to the Angel City it could possibly have. They speak louder to "the stranger within the gates," than all the printed stuff the Chamber of Commerce could hand out in a year. Nothing but sunshine and balmy air can bring forth such glorious flowers in mid- winter, and the stranger jots these beautiful sights down in his memory, and they live and are talked 134 A TENDERFOOT of for years after, when about every- thing else he saw in California, is forgotten. And all the children and grandchildren for years to come will pull up to the big fire place, heaped high with blazing logs when the blinds on the old home back East, are creaking and rattling, and the unlatched barn door slams bangs as the fury of a real down east blizzard strikes it they'll all creep up, and pulling their chairs a little nearer, sit and listen and listen, never tiring of hearing some member of the family, who once went " way out to Califor- nia," tell the wonderful fairy tales (that are true) of this land of dreams. 135 CATALINA ISLAND CHAPTER XVI ATALINA Island ought to be called the "Island of Beautiful Dreams." " Catalina " dont do it jus- tice. But I bet a cookie whoever named it took their first trip over to the island on a rough day, and didnt feel very flowery. Catalina is an island out at sea- way out and between it and the mainland, there are more kinds of 139 A TENDERFOOT tides and currents and swells, than from here to Europe. It only takes two hours to make you feel that life aint so much after all, and you'd just as soon quit now as any old time. Some fellar told me not to miss the trip, so I took it, and I didnt miss anything but home and mother all the way over and back. Oh, my ! Oh, my ! Bill, you've seen how a cork on the end of a fishline bobs around when a big wave strikes it, aint you? Well, that tug-boat I went over in, had a cork beaten to death. It acted more like a bucking bron- cho than anything I've seen before or since. It bucked sideways, and humped 140 A TENDERFOOT up in the middle, and kicked from all four corners at the same time. I dont remember much about the beautiful view, and I havn't much to write about the "Grand old ocean" but I can truthfully say I parted with everything I had eaten in the last three years. I laid down and threw up, and I stood up and threw down, until the elastic in my suspenders refused to work any longer, and I crawled under a settee and hoped some one would take pity on me, and knock me in the head. There are times in a man's life when he has had enough, and had it rubbed in, too. I got mine on that galloping tug-boat, and I'll bet there are some of those passengers I went 141 A TENDERFOOT over with, who are over there yet, afraid to try it again. They'd rather buy a lot and build, than to come back home. I'd 'a been there yet if I hadnt found a feller with a hypodermic syringe, and gave him a couple of dollars to make me forget my troubles, and steer me to my room when I landed in Los Angeles. On the boat going over, was a bride and groom. The bride looked very pretty as she tripped lightly down the gang-plank, and came aboard at San Pedro. But when we reached Cata- lina Island, I managed to pull the corner of one eye open long enough to get my bearings, and I saw the bride again all that was left of her. Her beautiful curly locks were sewed 142 A TENDERFOOT on a piece of tape, and had worked out from under her own thin hair her rats were shifted until they lopped over her right ear she had lost most of her "dear little puffs," in the bucket on the boat, and a little velvet bow was swinging, in the breeze, on the end of a few loose hairs. She was white as a sheet, and the two rosy spots on her cheeks warranted not to fade when she bought it at the department store made her face look like a Chinese lantern. The weak kneed groom half car- ried her through the crowd of gaping summer visitors, who line up on both sides of the wharf at Catalina just to guy the poor seasick things that crawl off the boats. They guyed us all and had all the fun they wanted to, with 143 A TENDERFOOT us none of us cared, by gum, if they'd sicked a dog on us. One fellar hollered at me, " Hey, fatty, go back and get your hat," but as I had used my hat when I was in a hurry, before I could find one of those blamed buckets, I didnt stop to answer back., 144 HOMESICK CHAPTER XVII ALIFORNIA is called the land of flowers, and the first fellar that called it so, was no liar. He must have been a native a truthful man, and likewise a "Booster." You never heard a na tive knock California no sir ree. They're always a boosting, and crow- ing, and swelling out like pouter pigeons, as soon as they begin to see us sit up and take notice. 147 A TENDERFOOT Huh ! dont they love to see our eyes stick out, and our mouths come open, while we gap at some of the glories of California the land of sunshine the land of gold. And when we get homesick and say "Good bye, we're going home/' they only laugh at us and Bill, its a kinder mean laugh, too and they'll say " Oh, you'll come back, they all do. I'll give you just six months at the most, and I'll bet you'll come back with all your relations, and stay next time for good." So they slap you on the back, and give you a mighty warm handshake and say, " Good by, pardner, tell all the good folks back there to come out to God's country, and be glad they're A TENDERFOOT living. Tell 'em they've only got one life to live, and they're going through for the last time. Tell 'em if the Pilgrim Fathers had landed on the Pacific coast instead of the Atlantic, little old New York wouldn't be on the map." And I'll be hanged, Bill, before you know it, you're so darned home- sick you'd give your old trunk if you hadnt bought your ticket East. You dont want to go home you want to stay ! And when the train pulls out for back east, and you're on it, b'gosh, there's something inside of you that begins to swell up like a sponge, as you look out of the car window and see the flowers and orange groves slip- ping by. 149 A TENDERFOOT You are only beginning to realize you are leaving it all, and may never come back again. Sure, Bill, a man's a fool to cry, but I'd 'a dropped a few tears if I hadn't blown 'em out through my nose. And let me add, Bill, as I am tak- ing one last look out of the car win- dow, at the fast disappearing, familiar sights I have learned to love, like a native born let me add, God never fashioned another such wondrous spot, on the entire surface of this old earth. There is only one real land of sun- shine and its out here where the sun goes down. THE END. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. Fine schedule: 25 cents on first day overdue 50 cents on fourth day overdue One dollar on seventh day overdue. MAY 20 1947 JAN 12 1953 LU REC'D LD MAY 9 1961 LD 21-100m-12,'46(A2012sl6)4120 TO Fttf M102441 H 7 4 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY