LEND ME IVE SHILLINGS A FARCE IN ONE ACT BV JOHN MADDISON MORTON NEW AMERICAN EDITION, CORRECTLY REPRINTED FROM THE ORI- GINAL AUTHORIZED ACTING EDITION, WITH THE ORIGINAL CASTS OF THE CHARACTERS, SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS, TIME OF REPRESENTATION, DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES, SCENE AND PROPERTY PLOTS, DIA- GRAM OF THE STAGE SETTING, SIDES OF ENTRANCE AND EXIT, RELATIVE POSI- TIONS OF THE PERFORMERS, EXPLA- NATION OF THE STAGE DIREC- TIONS, ETC., AND ALL OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. Copyright, 1889, by Harold Roorbach. 3 ity of Calita them Regiona Diary Facility NEW YORK DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS) 18 ANN STREET LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Haymarket TAeatre, London, February ig, 1846. Park Theatre^ New York, April 27, 1846. MR. GOLIGHTLY Mr. Buckstone. Mr. Bass. CAPTAIN PHOBBS Mr. Tilbury. Mr. G. Barrett. CAPTAIN SPRUCE Mr. Brindal. Mr. Crocker. MORLAND Mr. Carle. Mr. McDonnall. SAM, (a waiter) Mr. Clark. Mr. DeWalden. MRS. MAJOR PHOBBS Miss. P. Horton. Mrs. Abbott. MRS. CAPTAIN PHOBBS Miss Telbin. Miss Kate Horn. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GUESTS. TIME OF REPRESENTATION ONE HOUR. SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. MR. GOLIGHTLY is deeply fascinated with MRS. MAJOR PHOBBS at a ball. The lady, however, desiring greater freedom to secure her sister in- law, MRS. CAPTAIN PHOBBS, from the attentions of one MR. MORLANM, turns a cold shoulder upon MK. GOLIGHTLY'S politeness, whereat the latter gentleman, in a fit of humiliated pique, resolves to ignore the lady and do something desperate, and rushes forthwith to the gaming table to plunge headlong into the intoxicating whirlpool of sixpenny shorts. CAPTAIN PHOBBS returns home, leaving his wife to enjoy herself under the protec- tion of MRS. MAJOR PHOBBS, with the injunction that she must be home by twelve o'clock. The latter lady, wishing to enlist MR. GOLIGHTLY'S ser- vices in looking after her charge, unbends to that gentleman, after he has lost his last shilling, and asks him to afford her as much of his society dur- ing the evening as he can spare and escort her home when the ball breaks up, to MR. GOLIGHTLY'S extreme elation until he remembers that he is URL LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. 3 devoid of cash. Recognizing the absolute necessity of five shillings for cab-hire, MR. GOLIGHTLY, in his extremity, applies for that sum succes- sively to MORLAND, SPRUCE, CAPTAIN PHOBBS and the waiter, but without success. In the meantime, MR. GOLIGHTLY has mistaken the jealous CAPT. PHOBBS for the husband of MRS. MAJ. PHOBBS, and it appears that MORLAND is attentive to MRS. CAPT. PHOBBS simply because he wishes to complete a minature portrait of her to present to her worthy spouse before his departure on the morrow. After fruitless efforts at raising a loan, Mu. G ILIGHTLY discovers a purse in the overcoat that is brought to him his own overcoat having been taken by another guest and finding himself sud- denly in funds, he orders a supper for the lady in fine style, in addition to the cab, and doffs the overcoat. The evening being now far advanced, CAPT. PHOBBS rushes in furiously indignant at his wife's failure to return home by midnight, invites himself to partake of the supper, frightens MR. GOLIGHTLY nearly out of his wits, and winds up with a challenge before departing with the overcoat and the funds. While MR. GOLIGHTLY is in the deepest despair at his renewed insolvency, the irate Captain returns with pistols, insists upon a duel, but is placated on learning that his wife had never even seen MR. GOLIGHTLY before but, instead, had been sitting for her portrait which is now printed by MOKI.ANP. MR. GOLIGIITI.Y, learning that MRS. MAJ. PHOBBS is a widow, offers himself and is accepted, and hears, with relief, that the Captain has paid for the supper. But the cab remain- ing to be settled for, MR. GOLIGHTLY extricates himself from his awkward situation by appealing to the audience for the temporary loan of five shillings. COSTUMES. MR. GOLIGHTLY. Light claret-colored coat, white waistcoat, and black trowsers. CAPTAIN PHOBBS. Blue body-coat, black velvet collar, gilt buttons ; white waistcoat, black trowsers. CAPTAIN SPRUCE. P>lue dress-coat and black tro\vsers. MORLAND. Black dress suit. SAM. Blue coat, white trowsers, and flowered waistcoat WAITER. Ditto. MRS. MAJOR PHOBBS. Pink and white ball dress, bonnet and cloak. MRS. CAPTAIN PHOBBS. Blue satin, with white lace over-dress. GUESTS FOR BALL. Dress suits. PROPERTIES. Money and pair of pistols for CAPT. PHOBBS. Fan for MRS. MAJOR PHOBBS. Miniature for MORLAND. Money for SPRUCE. Lady's doak for WAITER. Old light overcoat ; one very large, old broad-brimmed white hat ; one hat very much crushed. Tray, with cakes, table-cloth, table appointments and supper for SAM. Crash off stage, R. LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. STAGE SETTING. Ball Room Bucking 1 Door ' 'Door ' 'Door Door Doer Table & Chairs \ SCENE PLOT. SCENE. A room adjoining the ball-room at a hotel, set in 3 G., backed with ball-room backing in 4 G. Chandeliers (lighted) in both rooms. Doors R. 2 E. and L. 2 E. Doors R., L. and c., in the flat. Table and two chairs, R. STAGE DIRECTIONS. Observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R. means right ; L., left ; c., centre ; R. c., right of centre ; L. c., left of centre ; D. F., door in the flat or scene running across the back of the stage. R. F., right side of the flat, L. F., left side of the flat; R. D., right door ; L.' D., left door; c. D., centre door; I ., first entrance; 2 E., second entrance; u. E., upper entrance; i, 2 or 3 G., first, second or third grooves. UP STAGE, toward the back ; DOWN STAGE, toward the footlights. R. R. C. C. L. C. L. NOTE. The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book pro- tected by copyright. LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. ACT I. Scene A Room adjoining the Sail- Room, at an Hotel. At the ris- ing of the Curtain, a Quadrille band is heard from Ball- Room, in which two Quadrille sets are formed. Another set is formed on the Stage, composed and arranged as follows : MR. GoLiGHTLY and MRS. MAJOR PHOBBS, with their backs to the audience. Opposite to them, another couple, at L. of them, CAPTAIN SPRUCE and MRS. CAPTAIN PHOBBS, and opposite to them, MORLAND and a Lady. As the Curtain rises, GOLIGHTLY and MRS. M. PHOBBS and their vis-a-vis, are dancing' the last figure of a Quadrille. Mrs. M. P. (to GOLIGHTLY, as they are breaking up] So you are really partial to dancing, Mr. Golightly ? Goli. I positively doat upon it and with such a partner I flatter myself I could dance till I dropped ; in short, most fascinating of women, 'tis in your power to make me the happiest of men. (cuts a violent caper] Mrs. M. P. You're quite eloquent, I declare ! (stniling] Goli. Nothing to what I should be, if I wasn't so dreadfully out of breath Phew ! (fans himself] Mor. (to MRS. CAPT. PHOBBS) You surely cannot refuse the last request that I perhaps shall ever make ? Mrs. C. P. Indeed, I must, for I cannot grant it without com- promising myself ! Mrs. M. P. (aside and observing them] Can it be as I suspected? but I'll not lose sight of them ! Goli. I assure you, my dear madam, I haven't words in my vocabulary sufficiently energetic to express my delight in meeting you again. (MORLAND and his partner enter the Bail-Room, through L. C. SRUCE and MRS. C. PHOBBS retire a little} Might I be allowed? (offers his arm to MRS. M. PHOBBS) Mrs. M. P. No ; thank you ! Goli. May I press an ice upon you, or a bottle of ginger beer ? (tenderly] Mrs. M. P. I'd rather not! (coldly] 6 LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. Goli. Shall we stroll through the rooms ? (offers his arm) Mrs. M. P. I am too fatigued ! Goli. Then I'll run and fetch a chair! Mrs. M. P. I'd rather stand ! (annoyed) Goli. Oh ! may I claim this fair hand for the next quadrille f Mrs. M. P. Tis already engaged ! Goli. May I enjoy the felicitous prospect of polking with you? Mrs. M. P. (sharply) Mr. Goligntly, I wish you to understand, sir, that I am engaged for the whole of the evening, (turns her back on him, and joins CAPT. SPRUCE w C., down L. Mor. Heyday ! Mr. Golightly ! What's the matter? Goli. Ah ! come here ! (seizes his hand) Sir, I seize this oppor- tunity of declaring to you, on the honour of a gentleman, that there is nobody in the world for whom I entertain more unbounded esteem, respect, and admiration, than I do for you. Lend me five shillings ! Mor. Really, Mr. Golightly, I'm exceedingly sorry, but Goli. Now don't say you haven't got 'em, because such is the peculiarity of my present position, that you must lend me five shillings or two half-crowns, I'm not particular, whether you've got 'em or not. LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. 9 Mor. Pshaw ! will you give me an explanation ? Goli. No, but I'll sell you one you shall have it cheap five shillings. Mor. Proceed ! Goli. You must know, then, I have discovered this evening, in this very room, a treasure, which I thought I had lost forever. Mor. Oh, what, you had dropped something eh ? Goli. No, Sir ! a lovely woman ! A female 1 most devoutly doat upon ! Mor. And she's asked you to lend her five shillings ha, ha! Goli. Pshaw ! Listen ; it is now just fifteen months since I went to Harrowgate to drink the waters ! Did you ever drink the Har- rowgate waters? Mor. Never. Goli. Then you've a treat to come. Such dreadful Oh, lud ! (rubs his stomach] Well, the first, and, by-the-bye, the last time I imbibed the horrible beverage a lady entered the pump-room for the same purpose ; and while I was admiring the Christian resig- nation with which she swallowed the contents of a colossal tum- bler it suddenly came on to rain. Did you ever see it rain at Harrowgate ? Mor. Never. Goli. Then that's another treat to come. Instantly offered my umbrella ; which was accepted ! Mor. Lucky fellow ! Goli. I don't know that because being obliged to walk home in the rain, I caught a cold, which kept me incessantly sneezing for the next six weeks However, the next day, by the lady's per- mission, I called, for the sake of politeness ; and, I'm not ashamed to own it, for the sake of my umbrella. I was shown up into the drawing-room, where the lady, taking me by the hand and lead- ing me up to a sort of mummy sitting bolt upright in an arm-chair, and muffled up to the eyes in flannel, like muffins at Christmas, said, my dear Major, will you thank the gentleman for his polite- ness ? Upon which, the aforesaid mummy grunted out, Sir, there's my hand and there's your umbrella! upon which, I was civilly shown down stairs. Mor. And the door slammed in your face ? Goli. No, Sir, not slammed but shut. I flatter myself I know the difference between a slut and a sham. I mean between a slut and a sham. I should say between a shut and a slam. Mor. And with this lady you fell in love. A married woman, too. Oh, fie ! Goli. I did. I admit the enormity of my offence but I did. Judge, then, my delight at meeting her, after an interval of fifteen months, at our Annual Assize Ball, this evening. Mor. And her husband the mummy ? 10 LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. Goli. Is certainly not with her, or she would not have condes- cended to request my escort home. No, the " dear Major " is still drinking the Harrowgate pump dry ; or else he has done the hand- some thing, by leaving his wife a widow. Now, as I think I've given you a good five shillings' worth, I'll trouble you for the money ! Mor. Really, I'm ashamed to say, I haven't got so much about me ! Goli. Goodness, gracious! And you call yourself a respectable member of society ! Sir, I've a contempt for a man that isn't worth five shillings! I despise a man without two half-crowns in his pocket. But I must have a Fly ; if I die, I must have a fly'! Oh, for a pair of pistols loaded to the muzzle ! Mor. Good heavens ! what would you do with them ! Goli. Do with them ! (violently) Why, I'd sell them for five shillings! (crosses, L.) Re-enter CAPTAIN PHOBBS /?/ R. D. F. Capt. P. I've found my hat at last, and now I'm off! Holloa! Cousin George, are you tired of dancing, too, like Julia, eh? Mor. No. I have the happiness of being engaged to her for the next quadrille ! Capt. P. That's right! (exit MORLAND, c.) Here, waiter! SAM runs in, R. Sam. Yes, Sir! Capt. P. Get me a Fly! it's raining cats and dogs ! Sam. Yes, Sir directly, (runs out, L. ) Goli. {observing CAPTAIN P.) It strikes me, I've seen that head on a pair of shoulders, somewhere or other! At any rate, whether I have or not, I'll claim his acquaintance, and ask him to lend me five shillings, (approaching him] Ah, Thompson, my boy ! Capt. P. (drawing himself up} Sir! Goli. Beg pardon, I should have said, ah, Smith, my boy : how goes it, Smith? Give us your hand, Smith. Capt. P. My name's not Smith, Sir! Goli. Quite sure it isn't? Well, that's very odd. You remem- ber me ? Eh, Robinson ? Of course you do Golightly ! Capt. P. Go to the devil ! (crosses, L. ) Enter MRS. MAJOR PHOBBS, c. Goli. {gallantly advancing to her] Ah ! Mrs. M. P. (aside to him] Hush Leave me ! Goli. (aside] What's the matter now ! Mrs. M. P. (to PHOBBS) So, you've changed your mind You in- tend remaining here ! (delighted) LEND ME 'FIVE SHILLINGS. II Capt. P. On the contrary, I'm only waiting for this infernal Fly. (looks off} Goli. (aside] She knows the gentleman ? Mrs. M. P. (to CAPT. P.) Surely, surely, this business can be deferred till to-morrow ? (anxiously) Capt. P. Not for an hour ! for, with decent luck, in less than a week I shall be a Major ! Mrs. M. P. Indeed ! Then success attend you, my dear Major! Goli. (aside, starting) Her "dear Major!" Good gracious; can it be ! It is it must be ! She's not a widow ! (CAPTAIN PHOBBS has gone off, L., M. PHOBBS has re-entered the Ball- Room} Enter CAPTAIN SPRUCE, L. c.' Spruce. Now, Sir! allow me to introduce you to a partner. Goli. Come here ! (seizes him by the arm and drags him forward) Do you know that stout, elderly individual, there? (points off , L. ) Spruce. Perfectly ! A brother officer of mine ! Goli. Oh! His name? Spruce. Phobbs. Goli. (aside) That settles it ! I didn't know him again out of his flannels ! (aloud) Phobbs' health good ? Spruce. Excellent ! Goli. That's a pity ! I mean, that's a comfort ! Spruce. He's married to a charming young wife ! Goli. I know he is, poor devil ! (conceitedly) Spruce. Oh, oh ! Sly rogue ! (poking him in the side) Goli. Ha, ha ! Spruce. But don't let Phobbs suspect anything ; he's as jealous as a Turk, and would cut your throat to a certainty. Goli. (very quickly) My dear sir, /shan't tell him ! and I'm sure you won't, my dear friend ! (squeezes his hand) I say, Fm sure you won't ! You inestimable creature, you ! Spruce. I'm not the man to spoil sport ! So come along, (they go laughing, arm-in-arm, towards Ball- Room) Goli. (stopping, and eagerly to SPRUCE) You'll take your oath you won't tell Phobbs ? Spruce. Pshaw! Ha! ha! Come along! ( 7^hey enter Sail- Room through the c., and L. Immediately MORLAND and MRS. C. PHOBBS enter through R. c. ) Mor. Pshaw ! cousin Julia! I'd no idea you were such a little prude ! After all, what is it I ask of you ! Merely to enable me, before my departure from England, which takes place to-morrow, to present to your worthy husband a portrait of his good little wife, as a slight return for all his kindness and hospitality to me. 12 LEND ME FIVE' SHILLINGS. ^-It will be an agreeable surprise for him, and it is all that a poor devil of an artist like myself can do. And see, (producing mina- ture) it only requires half-a-dozen slight touches. Mrs. C. P. Well, but Mor. Exactly I perfectly agree with you, that a public assem- bly room is not exactly the place for a lady to sit for her portrait. But while the company are assembled in the large supper-room, we can easily occupy one of the smaller rooms. I'll then run to my room for my box of colours ; and then, while you are picking the wing of a fowl Mrs. C. P. You can catch the interesting expression ! (imitating eating with Jier mouth full} Ha! ha! ha! Then, since it must be so, come! (Exeunt, R. D. F.) MRS. M. PHOBBS immediately enters, L. C., and sees them go out. She goes to R. D. F., and looks after them. GOLIGHTLY enters, c. from L. Goli. I can't see anybody to lend me five shillings ! what a dis- tressing position, (shouting) Will anybody lend me five shillings ? Mrs. M. P. Mr. Golightly ! quick ! (he runs to her] You see that lady and gentleman ? Follow them ! Observe them ! Then no (pushes him envoy) that shall be my task ! (follows MORLAND and MRS. C. PHOBBS) Goli. What very remarkable behaviour! Mrs. M. P. (appearing at door, R. F.) Mr. Golightly! Goli. (jumping round} Coming! Mrs. M. P. Remember ! I rely on your escorting me home ! (disappears, R. D. F. ) Goli. Of course ! (comes fonoard} It's very easy for me to say of course ! but how am I to do it? I have it. After depositing the charming Mrs. Major P. in safety I'll tell the coachman to drive to my lodgings. That won't help me much, either; I sha'n't find any money there : at least, I didn't leave any ; and I don't think it's very probable, that anybody would take the trouble of breaking into the house merely to leave their purse there ! Then I sha'n't receive my salary till the 24th ; and this only the 3rd. I can't keep continually riding about in a one-horse Fly for three weeks ; that would be ridiculous ! (looks into Bail-Room) Holloa ! the Ball's breaking up! Good gracious ! Here, waiter ! waiter ! Enter SAM, L. Sam. Sir! Goli. My hat my great -coat quick ! Sam. Yes, Sir ! (runs out, L. 2 E.) Goli. I know what I'll do! I'll go down among the one-horse Flys. I'll select the most benevolent-looking coachman of the LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. 13 lot. I'll put him in possession of the peculiarity of my position ; and if he won't trust me, he shall have my hat and great-coat as security for his fare ! It's a spick and span new Taglioni worth ten times the money ! A brilliant idea ! I wonder it never struck me before ! Enter SAM, with a great-coat over his arm, and two hats in his hand, L. 2 E. Sam. Here's your great-coat, Sir ! Goli. Make haste ! Sam. Now, Sir ! (keifs him on with a very long, shabby, white great-coat] Goli. Holloa ! this isn't my great-coat ! Sam. It's the only one left, Sir ! Goli. The devil it is ! Sam. Yes, Sir. All the good coats have been gone this half- hour! Goli. (hysterically] Ha ! ha ! I've been robbed ' Sam. There are no thieves in this house, Sir ! Goli. No, the thieves are gone. Sam. You'd better keep in on, Sir. I dare say it's a mistake. Goli. A mistake ! Pooh ! do you think anybody could mistake a superfine, pea-green Taglioni, for a second-hand long-tailed, whitey-brown thing like this ! My hat. Sam. Is this it, Sir? (hands him a hat very much crushed] Goli. (vociferating] No ! {flings it a * his head] Sam. Then this must be it, Sir. These are the only two left. (hands him an old broad-brimed white hat] Goli. Ton my my life, this is pleasant ! (puts on the hat, which is much too large for him] Sam. Ha! ha! ha! Goli. Get out, you ruffian ! (drives him off at back] Catch me coming to a public Ball again ! What one-horse Fly proprietor, I should like to know, would advance an hour's drive upon such a hat as this? 'Pon my life, matters are getting more agreeable every minute. Enter CAPTAIN SPRUCE, from C. Spruce. Was it you who betted five shillings on the last rubber ? Goli. (aside} There's a bit of luck ! Ha! ha! (aloud] Oh, yes, 'twas I. Spruce. Then you've lost. Goli. (aside] Ha ! ha ! ha ! Another agreeable little incident ! (aloud] Very well very well ! (with apparent unconcern] Spruce. Then there's your ticket for the Ball, fifteen shillings. Goli. Ah! Anything else ? 14 LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. Spruce. Yes : Mr. Morland's ticket ; which he said you'd pay for. Goli. Delicious ! Go on, don't be shy ! Spruce. That's all. Just I. 153. Goli. Then lend me another five shillings, and I shall owe you 2. Spruce. Very good very good indeed ! I'm in no hurry for the money ! Any time will do. Goli. Pay now ! have you got change for a 1000 note ? I'd rather. Spruce. I think I have. Goli. [aside] Damn it! Spruce. At least I can get it. Goli. (quickly] I'm in no hurry Any time will do. Enter SAM, L., carrying a tray with cakes. (^SAM) By Jove, I've an idea! (to SPRUCE, familiarly taking 1 his arm] Spruce, my boy, as I've nothing but 1000 bank notes about me, could you just lend me five shillings? (SPRUCE looks surprised ] Not for myself. Not for myself. No, but I wish to tip the waiter something. Spruce. Certainly. Sam! (SAM runs to him] This gentleman begs me to give you five shillings. There ! (gives money] Goli. (aside] Confound it ! hang it ! dash it damn it ! Spruce. Delighted to have it in my power to serve you, sir. Goli. (disgusted] Don't be absurd ! Spruce. Sir ! Goli. Nothing thank you, my dear friend, thank you ! (Exit SPRUCE, ate.) Sam. (to GOLIGHTLY) Thank you kindly, Sir. Goli. (indignantly] Pooh! don't thank me. Sam. Take a few cakes, Sir ? Goli. No, I won't yes, I will. (clears the tray of the cakes, which he puts into the pockets of the great-coat] Good gracious ! the people are going. (looks off] Voice, (without] Mr. Jones's fly. Voice, (without] Mr. Jackson. Miss Dobson and Mrs. Bum. pus' flies. Goli. The flies will all be gone. Sam ! Sam. Sir! Goli. If you'll lend me that five shilling piece I gave you just now, you shall have a sovereign to-morrow. Sam. I was just a-going to give it to you back Sir ! (gives it) Goli. Thank you, worthy Samuel, thank you ! Sam. It's a bad one, sir. Goli. A bad one ! LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. i$ Sam. You know it is ! you call yourself a gentleman for shame of yourself! (during this, GOLI. has been biting the five shilling piece, and ringing it on the stage he then, in a fury, flings it off wing, R. , a smash heard] There's a pane of glass smashed ! that's another five shillings ! ha ! ha ! ha ! (GOLIGHTLY makes a -violent dash at SAM ) Cnter MRS. MAJOR PHOBBS, with her cloak, &>c., on, from R. D. F. Mrs. M. P. Where can Mr. Golightly be ? (approaches him) Pray, sir, are you acquainted with a gentleman of the name of Golightly ? if so (GOLIGHTLY turns she recognizes him, and bursts out laughing) Sam. Ha! ha! ha! Mrs. M. P. Everybody has left the ball-room. Is the Fly at the door ? Sam. Lor, ma'am, the flies are all gone long ago ! Mrs. M. P. Mercy on me ! Goli. No such thing don't be alarmed, my dear Mrs. Major P. I'll get a conveyance for you in a moment ; I will, if I have to drag it here myself by the horse, (runs outi^., followed by SAM) Mrs. M. P. Julia is not here, she must have returned home doubtless accompanied by Mr. Morland. How provoking ! I, that had so cleverly arranged that Mr. Golightly should accom- pany us both but, late as the hour is, I'll see her on my way home, I'll speak to her reason with her. Re-enter GOLIGHTLY, L., running. Goli. Now, then, my dear Mrs. Major P. Mrs. M. P. Is the carriage at the door ? Goli. Not exactly but what of that? The rain has ceased the puddles are drying up the little stars are twinkling. Mrs. M. P. Surely, Mr. Golightly, you would not have me walk home in satin shoes ? Goli. Why not? I'll carry you over the crossings. Mrs. M. P. Sir, once for all, sir, will you procure me a con- -eyance home? Goli. Of course I will. Hilloa! There's something upon wheels driving past now. (shouts) Sam ! Sam. (without) Sir ! Goli. Stop that vehicle. Sam. Stop that what, sir ? Goli. That coach carriage cab fly cart whatever it is. Sam. Yes, sir. Goli. Now, my dear Mrs. Major P., I hope you are satisfied. Mrs. M. P. I should be very ungrateful if I were not. 1 6 LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. Enter SAM, L. Sam. The coachman says he must have double fare it's past 12 o'clock. Goli. (aside} Just my luck ! (aloud) Of course, of course. (Exit SAM, L.) Mrs. M. P. Now, Mr. Golightly. (lakes his arm he places his hand on hers, and kisses her fingers she smiles) Goli. (aside) She likes it. (about to do it again, she withdraws her arm) Mrs. M. P. You will be good enough to desire the man to drive us first of all to the Barracks. Goli. To the Barracks ! at this time of Mrs. M. P. Yes, sir, I've a visit to pay there ; I sha'n't keep you waiting more than half an hour. Goli. Oh ! Mrs. M. P. And from there, you'll direct him to drive me home. Goli. And that is Mrs. M. P. About two miles and a half beyond the turnpike. Goli. Oh ! (aside) On a moderate cakulation, about five miles from my lodgings, a three hours' job at the very least, double fare, too, pleasant; but, as I'm in for it, I may as well go it. Enter SAM, L. , followed by a WAITER carrying a lady s cloak. Sam. I tell you, it's all right, you'll find the, lady and gentle- man in the small supper-room, No. 2. (waiter rtins off, R. D. F.) Mrs. M. P. Eh ! Surely, I can't be mistaken ; it was Julia's cloak ; then she's not gone home yet. It's impossible I can leave the house now. (hurries to R. D. F., and anxiously looks off) Sam. Mr. Golightly 's one-horse fly stops the way. Mrs. M. P. (comes quickly down) Don't think me capricious, Mr. Golightly, but if you have no objection we'll remain here that is, for the present. Goli. Delighted ! Sam, send the fly away ! Mrs. M. P. Yes, pay the man his fare, and let him go. (looks anxiously, R. C.) Goli. Don't you hear, Sam, the lady says you're to pay the man his fare, and let him go. Sam. Certainly, sir ! (holds out his hand to GOLIGHTLY) Goli. Then let the man stop (io MRS. M. P.) You may change your mind again ! (gallantly} (Exit SAM, L.) Mrs. M. P. That's very considerate of you, indeed ! (aside) How to find an excuse for the apparent inconsistency of my con- duct ; I can't leave Julia here. Ah, I have it! (aloud) Mr. Golightly, don't you find that dancing gives you an appetite ? Goli. (aside) Now, what does she Mean by that ? Good gra- LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. 17 cious me ! she can't want any supper. (aloud] No, ma'am, quite the contrary ! Mrs. M. P. That's very odd, do you know, I'm vulgar enough to feel exceedingly hungry ! Goli. (aside] That's a pretty broad hint it's a clear case ! I'm in for a supper, as well as a one-horse fly. Mrs. M. P. Well, Mr. Golightly, since you press me so very much, I wz'//take some refreshments! Goli. (aside] Good gracious ! I'm sure I didn't press her the least little bit in the world ! Sam ! Enter SAM, L. Of course, at this time of the night, it's out of the question asking for supper ? Sam. Oh, dear, no, sir, that is, if you have it here, sir all the lights are out in the supper-rooms. Goli. (aside] My last hope's gone, (aloud] Then let us have something. (aside to SAM) Something reasonable, you know. A crust of bread and cheese, and pickle, about a shilling's worth, I don't mind fourteen penn'rth Sam. Only one charge here for supper, sir, seven shillings a- head, however, I'll see what I can do for you, sir. (Exit, L.) Goli. Seven shillings a-head !- I keep getting deeper and deeper into it," I sha'n't get off under a five-pound note, that's clear and, as I haven't got it, I think the chances are about" ten to one, that the landlord gives me in charge for swindling, (drives his hands info the pockets of the great-coat ] Hilloa ! what's that? (rattles the pockets) Sounds like the chink of money, and yet (drives his hand down to the bottom of the pocket] it is ! a purse ha ! ha ! filled with sovereigns, ha ! ha ! Jack's alive again ! Enter SAM, L. , with a small tray. Sam. I've managed it, sir crust of bread and cheese, and a pickle ! Goli. Who for, sir? Sam. For you, sir you said Goli. Don't tell me what I said, sir, I know what I said, sir, I said Champagne, sir, and plenty of it, Turkeys, sir, and plenty of them, Burgundy, Partridges, Lobsters, Pine-Apple Punch pickled Salmon, everything, look sharp, be off. (pushes SAM off, L.) Mrs. M. P. Oh, Mr. Golightly ! I really can't allow Goli. Not a word, I beg, whatever I do, I like to do it in style, bless you, ! don't care how money goes, (aside] especially when it isn't my ?>wn ! 1 8 LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. Re-enter SAM, i^.goes and lays cloth, &>c. MORLAND appears at R. D. F. Mor. Waiter! (sees MRS. M. P.) Ah! (disappears] Mrs. M. P. Ah, Mr. Morland, 'twas he ! Goli. (to SAM, while taking off great- coat, which he puts over one of the chairs] You understand, young man, every delicacy of the season ! Mrs. M. P. (who has been hesitating near R. D. F.) I will follow. (about to do so] Capt. Phobbs. (without] I tell you, she is here ! Mrs. M. P. My brother-in-law if he sees me, I cannot conceal my suspicions from him, and then, ah ! in here, (runsintov. F.) Goli. (who has given directions to SAM) Now make haste. Enter CAPTAIN PHOBBS, hastily, 1,.,goes into Bail-Room, L. C., and returns, R. C. Exit SAM, L. Come, that's settled, and now, my dear (turns, and finds himself face to face with CAPT. PHOBBS, who looks at him for a moment, and then turns and looks in all farts of the stage, aside, L.) Her husband! " The dear Major! " Now why couldn't the worthy man stop where he was, instead of coming here and interfering with his wife's little innocent recreations ? Capt. P. (R., coming back to GOLIGHTLY) So, Mr. Go-brightly ! Goli. Go lightly, sir. Capt. P. You're still here eh? Goli. I'm not aware of being anywhere else ! Capt. P. Then, Mr. Go slightly Goli. Go lightly, sir, omit the " s." Capt. P. Yet stay before I enter into particulars, allow me to give you an insight into the state of my mind, Mr. Go tightly ! Goli. Go lightly, sir, I never do go tightly ! Capt. P. You see before you a man, furious with indignation, sir, literally boiling over ! Goli. Well, sir, I'd advise you to wait till you simmer down a little.- (aside] It's as well to appear cool and collected before peo- ple but, I confess, I wouldn't have his wife show her face at this moment, for a very considerable trifle ! But where can she have got to ? Capt. P. I see you are dying with curiosity to know what has excited my anger, which I consider both inquisitive and imperti- nent. Goli. My dear sir, you are mistaken ; I don't care one straw about you or your anger either. You may boil all away, as far as I'm concerned. Capt. P. Then you're a man devoid of feeling Mr. Go-' sprightly ! LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS, 19 Goli. (shouting] Go lightly ! d'ye hear Go lightly! (very quietly} Don't let me have to tell you again. Capt. P. Are you married, sir? Goli. Quite the contrary, sir, I haven't that happiness. Capt. P. Happiness he, he! I'm married, and look very happy, don't I ? ha! ha ! (grinning) Goli. No, I can't say you do ! I never saw a more wretched looking object in all my life ! Capt. P. Ha! ha! no wonder, you shall hear! I brought my wife here to the ball to enjoy herself, and shortly after went home. Goli. I see ! you went home, that your wife might enjoy her- self! Capt. P. No such thing! Well, Mr. Go Go, something or other, I waited at home till 12 o'clock, no wife half-past 12 no wife ; so I came here after her, and they want me to believe that everybody's gone. Goli. So they are, arn't they, Sam? (tipping a wink to SAM, who has entered, L., just before, with supper, which he places on table} Sam. Yes, all gone, long ago. Capt. P. (to SAM) Zounds and the devil, sir ! Goli. (aside] Now he wants to pick a quarrel with the waiter ! (Exit SAM, R.) Capt. P. Then, sir, you are alone here, eh ? Goli. I was alone, before you honoured me with your remark- ably agreable society. Capt. P. Indeed ! then pray, sir, how is it that the table hap- pens to be laid for two ? Goli. (confused } For two ? Capt. P. (vociferating] Yes, sir, for two ? Goli. (starting away] Don't shout in that dreadful way ! you'll fracture your voice ! I had the table laid for two, certainly, it's a fancy of mine besides, a friend might drop in. Capt. P. Well, that's civil of you, very thankye thankye. (shaking his hand violently] Goli. Pooh ! pooh ! I didn't mean Capt. P. Hush ! (violently seizing his arm, and listening] I thought I heard no it's nothing. Goli. You call it nothing ! You've dislocated my arm, that's all. Capt. P. I say, I can't allow you to pay for my supper though Goli. (indignant) Pooh! a very likely matter! Capt. P. Oh, very well, if you insist upon it. (sits at table] Goli. Well, ha ! ha ! delicious ! Capt. P. Now, then, sit down. (GOLIGHTLY, who is buried in re- 20 LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. flection, takes no notice] Sit down, I say ! (banging the table with the handle of his knife] Goli. There! {disgusted, and sitting down opposite"} Capt. P. What's here ! Partridges ? shall I cut 'em up? Goli. Oh, bother, yes ! cut 'em up ! (turns from the table} Capt. P. I can't let you pay for the supper, if you don't eat. Goli. Oh, very well, (sticks his fork into the partridges, and puh them on his plate one after the other) Capt. P. (bursting out) By Jupiter, if I thought my wife was de- ceiving me ! (flourishes the knife close to GoLiGHTLY'syfov) Goli. I wish, sir, you wouldn't flourish your knife about in that absurd way ! (cutting partridge) Capt. P. Beg pardon. (sits down) Only let me catch a man paying attentions to my wife, that's all ! Ye Gods ! (starts up again, and flourishes knife more violently than before) Goli. (jumping up) Put down that knife, sir ! I say sir, put down that knife, sir ! Capt. P. I'd annihilate him! as I do this ! ( sticking fork into partridge) Goli. Waiter ! (jumping up and shouting with all his might) Capt. P. (going to him) Sir, I beg your pardon. Goli. Really, sir, you seem to have no other object in life than to beg my pardon. Capt. P. Make some allowance for me. I'm not uneasy with- out grounds, for my wife is young and pretty. Goli. I know she is ! Capt. P. How the devil should you know ? Goli. I mean I suppose she is if she was old and ugly, you would not be so excited. Capt. P. Ha! ha! very good ha! ha! Goli. Ha! ha! ha! (CAPT. PHOBBS suddenly 5/Vv^GoLiGHTLY's laughter, by placing his hand over his mouth) Capt. P. Oh ! f swear 1 heard somebody in that room, (points to door, R.) Goli. No such thing. Capt. P. I tell you, I did. (breaks away from him, and banging the door open with his fist, runs in, R.) Goli. Oh, lud ! it's all over with me. I wouldn't give a straw for my life ! (sinks into a chair. During the last two or three speeches, MRS. M. P. has come out of door, R., and observes ; as soon as CAPT. P. goes R., she advances hastily down) Mrs. M. P. (touches GOLIGHTLY on the shoulder) Sir ! Goli. (jumping round) Come on eh? Mrs. M. P. Hush you must send him away instantly, some pretext or other, I care not what but you must send him away ! Goli. It's very easy to say "send him, away" but the man's a \\ild beast, a Hyena ! LEND ME FIFE SHILLINGS. 21 Mrs. M. P. It must be done, my happiness depends on it. Ah ! (a loud crash of broken crockery. MRS. M. P. hastily runs through R. D. F. at the same moment, CAPT. PHOBBS enters, followed by SAM, R. 2 E.) Sam. But, sir ! Capt. P. Don't tell me, how should I see your, infernal crock- ery in the dark ! put it down in the bill ! Goli. Pooh ! pooh ! come, I like that. Capt. P. (to SAM) Go along be off. ( drives him off, L. 2 E.) Well, she isn't there ! Goli. Then, my dear sir, if I were in your place Capt. P. Well, sir Goli. I should go home have a basin of gruel, and go to bed. Capt. P. Oh, that's what you'd do. Goli. I should, decidedly. Capt. P. That's as much as to say, you've had enough of my company. Goli. Very little of anything satisfies me ! besides, I want to go to bed myself. I've been dancing no end of Polkas, and I shan't be sorry to get into a horizontal position ! Ugh. (yawning and stretching] Capt. P. Damn it, I won't allow you or any man to yawn in my face! Goli. Then you'd better take your face somewhere else, for I can't help, yaw, (yawns] Capt. P. I see, sir, you want to pick a quarrel with me. Goli. (aside] I'll see if I can't frighten him a bit (aloud] Dash, my wig and buttons, sir ! (starts up to him] Capt. P. That's enough ! you shall soon hear from me. Goli. The sooner, the better. (aside] I'll shoot him as dead as a herring, and then marry his widow. Capt. P. We'll have it out to-night, sir, in this very room, sir, pistols, as a matter of course, sir. Goli. No, sir, I beg your pardon I don't look upon pistols as a matter of course, at all, I prefer swords, sir, or foils, suppose we say foils. Capt. P. Pshaw ! Waiter ! Enter SAM, L. My great-coat ! Sam. This is it, sir. (kelps him on with the white great-coat on chair] Capt. P. I shall soon be back, sir d'ye hear, sir? (Exit, L.) Goli. Come, I've got rid of him at all events, and now I think the best thing I can do is to pay the bill, and be off. (feels in his pockets] Holloa ! he's taken the great-coat away with t-he purse in it. Stop thief! stop thief! ( shouting at door, R. 2 E.) 22 LE.VD ME FIVE SHILLINGS. Morland. (without} Indeed, it cannot be, madam! Goli. Holloa ! holloa ! (retires, watching} Enter, from R. D. F., MORLAND and MRS. M. PHOBBS. Mrs. M. P. A woman may be imprudent, Mr. Morland. Mor. Imprudent! Nay, my dear madam Mrs. M. P. Silence, sir ; but however imprudent she may be, it ill becomes a man to compromise her. Mor. Compromise ! ha ! ha ! my dear madam, if you will but hear me Mrs. M. P. I'll hear nothing, sir, till I have possession of that miniature ! Mor. There, my dear madam, you must excuse me. Mrs. M. P. 1 understand, sir, doubtless, the affectionate inter- est you take in the original, prevents your parting with it. Mor. Put whatever construction you please upon my motive, madam, but with this miniature I will not part, (going, L.) Goli. (grasps his arm, and in a very faint voice ) Mr. Morland ! Mor. Well, sir ! Goli. The original of the miniature you speak of I tremble to ask it is it Mrs. Phobbs? Mor. It is, sir. Goli. And you've a sneaking kindness for her ? (in a tremulous voice ) Mor. Hark ye, Mr. Golightly, (crosses, L.) I take a sufficient interest in the lady you have mentioned, to blow your brains out, if I thought you presumed to take any you understand me, sir, fare- well. ( Exit, L. GOLIGHTLY sinks on chair] Mrs. M. P. Now to remove Julia from the house, (perceives GOLIGHTLY.) Good heavens, Mr. Golightly ! Goli. (lifting up his head he is very pale} Where am I ? ( rises and falls on her shoulder; she in vain strives to make him stand off} Mrs. M. P. I shall never forget your kindness, sir, and should we not meet again Goli. Not meet again ! (takes her hand and deliberately leads her down to the front} Not meet again ! and is it for this, Mrs Major P., that I lent you my umbrella, 15 months ago, at Harrowgate ? Mrs. M. P. It was very kind of you. Goli. Is it for this that I gave way to a degree of rapture on meeting you again, such as, I flatter myself, was totally unworthy of a rational being? Mrs. M. P. I'm sure I was not displeased at seeing you again. Goli. Is it for this that I engaged a one-horse fly to take you to the Barracks, and then two miles and a half beyond the turn- pike ? Mrs. M. P. And I admit it was very kind, I really feel LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. 23 Goli. Is it for this that I ordered supper, at seven shillings a head, and though last, not least, is it for this, Mrs. Major P., that I got rid of Phobbs, by insulting Phobbs and promising Phobbs that I'd set myself up as a target for Phobbs to fire at ? Mrs. M. P. Good heavens, a duel ! Believe me, Mr. Go- lightly, should you fall, nobody would regret it more than I. Goli. I beg your pardon, madam, but I think / should and now, madam, the sooner you reward the affectionate interest of Mr. Morland, the better. Mrs. M. P. Mr. Morland ! are you mad ? I take no interest in Mr. Morland ! Goli. Yes, you do, I'll bet you five shillings on it, if you'll lend 'em me. Mrs. M. P. What proof do you require ? Goli. There's only one will convince me and, unfortunately, it is not in your power to offer it just now. Mrs. M. P. What is it you mean ? Goli. That fair lily-white hand ! Mrs. M. P. (aside) He's popped the question at last, (aloud) There, Mr. Golightly, take it. (offers her hand} Goli. Eh, no, oh, joy, rapture, ecstatic moment ! (about to take it) and yet Mrs. M. P. How, sir, do you refuse it ? Goli. No that is I (aside) Good gracious ! she can't seri- ously contemplate committing bigamy ! Capt. P. (without ) I tell you, you shall come with me. MRS. M. P. hastily retires up to back, and meets MRS. CAPT. PHOBBS, who enters from R. D. F. ; at the same moment CAPT. PHOBBS enters, L., with a pair of pistols, followed by MORLAND. Capt. P. (marches up to GOLIGHTLY, and gives him a pistol) There, and now, (walks back, measuring] One two three fire! Mrs. M. P. Stop ! (comes down with MRS. C. PHOBBS) Goli. Yes, stop by all means. Mor. Really, sir, this violent state of indignation, about a trifling dispute at a supper-table Capt. P. No such thing ! It isn't a question of a paltry supper at all, but of a lady, sir, and that lady my wife, sir, yes, (shouting to GOLIGHTLY) The waiter has told me all ! She was to have sup- ped here, alone with you, Mr. Go sprightly, and that's why the table, Mr. Go brightly was laid for two, Mr. Golightly ; there- fore, as I said before, one two three fire ! (measures, and pre- sents pistol ) Goli. Be quiet ! (with great calmness) I don't deny, sir, that I was to have supped here with a lady, and a very charming lady, 24 LEA'D ME FIVE SHILLINGS. {aside to MRS. M. P., whn nudges him} Don the alarmed, I won't compromise you, such a brilliant thought ! (lakes MRS. C. PHOBBS'S hand, and leads her towards the CAPTAIN) Now, sir, I shsuld like to know what possible objection you can have to my supping with this lady ? Capt. P. Ha ! ha ! there, you hear ! he confesses it ! (seizing and shaking him} Now, sir, one two three fire! (puts the pistol close to GOLIGHTLY'S nose) Goli. (shouting) Waiter ; take this man away, and bring me a gentleman ! (goes to R., corner} Capt. P. (to MRS. C. P.) Now madam, what have you to say to this, eh ? Mrs. C. P. Simply, that I never remember to have seen this gentleman before ; let that satisfy you, my dear husband ! Goli. (aside} Her dear husband! he's got two wives! I'll transport the aged delinquent. Mor. (to CAPT. P.) My dear sir, allow me to explain the mys- tery ; if your jealousy must have a victim, why, egad, you must take me. Goli. Certainly, take him, by all means. Mor. But, before you blow my brains out, allow me to assure you, that the few moments I passed alone with your wife, were devoted to a worthy purpose, namely, to enable me, on the eve of my departure from England, to present you with this (giving mini- ature} as a slight return for your kindness to Cousin George. Capt. P. My wife's portrait! Well, thank ye, George ! (shakes hands} Give me a kiss, (kisses MRS. CAPT. P.) and you, too ! (about to kiss MRS. MAJOR P.) Goli. (pushing hvn back} No no I won't allow it. Capt. P. I am Major Phobbs's brother, sir. Mrs. M. P. And I, his widow ! Goli. Widow, no, say it again ! worthy man ! Let us bury our little differences in each others' arms, embrace your brother- in-law, (throws his arms round CAPT. P.) Mrs. M. P. Brother-in-law, nay, Mr. Golightly ; when I offered you my hand just now, you appeared to hesitate. Goli. Just give me another chance, that's all. (MRS. M. P. offers her hand, which he eagerly takes and kisses} Now, if there's anybody here inclined for a bet, I'll lay very considerable odds, that I'm the happiest fellow alive. Enter SAM, L. Sam. (to GOLI.) The bill, sir Goli. (aside} The devil ! Sam. Don't be alarmed, it's paid ! Goli. (delighted} Paid! (assumes an important air} And who, I should like to know, has taken the liberty of paying my bill ? LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. 25 Capt. P. Why, as I destroyed the supper, the least I could do was to pay all the bill. Goli. (pretends to be annoyed} Well, I don't like this sort of thing, but, as it's done it can't be undone! Capt. P. Then suppose we all adjourn to Barracks. There's a fly at the door. Sam. It's Mr. Golightly's. Capt. P. Is it? then you can set us all down. Goli. Of course that is, (aside) Now, really, this is a very awkward situation to be placed in! I don't know whom to ask to lend me five shillings. I don't like to apply to strangers ; but then (to audience) You are not strangers I think I know a good many of you, and I'm sure you all know me, therefore, if at any time you should see me in a dilemma, from which such a trifling amount would extricate me, I'm sure, not one here would hesitate for a moment to LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. PICTURE. SAM. MOR. MRS. M. P. GOLI. MRS. C. P. CAPT. P. CURTAIN. One Act Farces TANGLES. t5 cents. A farce in x act, by C. LEON A DALRYMPLB. 4 male, 3 female characters, i interior scene. Bill Tracy accepts Mrs.Janeway's them into a tangle of surprises, finally unraveled by Jack, who arrives opportunely. The " situation* are tremendously funny and keep the audience in roars of laughter. NIGHT IN TAPPAN, A. 1 S cents. A farce comedy in j act and i scene, by p. B. DUBOIS. 2 male, 3 female characters. Modern costumes. Dining- room scene in suburban residence. Time, about 30 minutes. The action commences at 10.45 p - ** on 'he arrival of Mr. and Mrs. John Betts, quite unexpectedly at the home of Mr. Augustus Beits, while Mrs. Augustus is awaiting her husband's return from the city. 1 he complications caused by a saucy, blundering Irish servant, Mr. Augustus being entirely ignorant of the new arrivals, are screamingly bewildering. KISSING THE WRONG GIRL. IS cents. A farcical sketch in i act, by W. C. PARKER, "i male, 2 female characters. It is the case of a " cheeky" book-agent, two sisters who look much alike, all sorts of funny mistakes, and any number of ridiculous situations that will keep the audience in a continuous roar of laughter. The piece can be played either " straight " or with specialties. No scenery needed. LITTLE RED MARE, The. IS Cents. A farce in j act, byO. E. YOUNG. 3 male characters, t interior scene. Time, about 35 minutes. The little red mare and a very deaf farmer's red-headed daughter are both named Nellie. A dude is after the daughter, and a horse-dealer wants the mare. The farmer mistakes the one for the other, and the way he gets the two claimants muddled in his criss-cross description of the two Nellies keeps the audience in a roar from the word "go." By a startling incident the farmer is suddenly cured of his deafness, and what he hears aids in clearing up the muddle. NEW REPORTER, The. IS cents. A farce in i act and i interior scene, by FRANKLIN JOHNSTON. 6 male, 2 female characters. Time, 45 minutes. ffoiis, the proprietor of a newspaper, is expecting a new reporter whom he has engaged on trial. Nancy, Hobbs 1 * daughter, persuades her lover, Jack, who is nknown to her father, to personify the new reporter, and gets to work. The blunders he makes, and the arrival of Tufper, the real reporter, results in a general flare up, until explanations are made, and Tupper is persuaded by Nancy to retire in favor of Jack. BYRD AND HURD; or, A Fair Exchange, is cents. A farcical sketch in i act, by HAROLD SANDER. 6 male characters, i exterior and i in- terior scene. Time, about 40 minutes. For seven years a lawsuit has been pending between Byrd and Hurd for possession of a pond situated between their contiguous farms. They are both arrested in Boston. Byrd has a lunch served, but has no tobacco: ffurdhas, and is hungry. After bitter altercations, Byrd divides his lunch; Hurd his tobacco. The exchange leads to reconciliation and personal settlement ot the lawsuit, to the disgust of Sly, the lawyer. The scenes are quite simple and the "situations" extremely comic. FINNEGAN AND FLANAGAN. 15 cents. A farcical sketch in i act, by W, C. PARKER, i male, i female character. Time of playing 25 minutes. Finnegan has a smile as broad as the Lakes of Killarney, and Mrs. Flanagan has *' the force as well as the fancy." His quiet utterances and her awkward mannerisms are droll in the extreme. The "business" is excruciatingly comic, and the lucky liquidation of an unpaid board bill concludes one of the funniest of Irish farces. Specialties can be introduced, or the piece may be played " straight." No scenery It required. FUN IN A SCHOOL ROOM. IS cents. A farcical sketch . i act and i Interior scene, by HARRY E. SHELLAND. 4 male characters, a Dutch-dialect teacher, and 3 pupils consisting of a young Bowery tough, a Hebrew boy, and a rather good little boy. Time, about 40 minutes. The questions and answers given in their respective personalities are utrageously funny, including an entirely new version oi the discovery of America. The sketch throughout u Incredibly absurd. A DOCTOR BY COURTESY A Farce in Three Acts, t PRICE 25 Cl CHARACTEl DR. Jos. SLY, a physician (?) A Q00512643 HENRI DUVAL, a French merchant Character CHAS. JENKINS, Sly's father-in-law Comedy old man FREDDIE WEST, a dude Character MICHAEL, a hallboy Irish character POLICEMAN, one of the finest. FLORETTE DUVAL, Duval's Wife Lead EMILY SLY, Sly's Wife Juvenile MARTHA JENKINS, Jenkins's wife Old woman IDA GAYGIRL, of the ballet Soubrette GRETCHEN, Florette's maid servant Character Two INTERIOR SCENES. TIME or REPRESENTATION Two hours. SYNOPSIS ACT I. Sitting-room in Sly's office. Mr. Jenkins resorts to heroic measures to boom his son-in-law's medical practice. Two women prepare a trap. Old associates draw Sly into folly. Clouds begin to gather. ACT II. Room in the house of Monsieur Duval. Florette's physician (by proxy) arrives. A startling prescription. Matters become worse and worse. A jealous husband and three doctors (?). ACT III. Same as Act I. The "green-eyed monster" appears in the Sly family. The story of a scratched face and a shower-bath. Explana- tions restore harmony, and Dr. (?) Sly retires from active work. COLLEGE CHUMS A COMEDY OF COLLEGE LIFE IN THREE ACTS, BY ANTHONY E. WILLS PRICE 25 CENTS A realistic sketch of College life and its influence. Wallace, an in- dolent aimless young man, on entering college is hazed by fellow collegiates, led on by Thorne, the bully of his class. He turns on the bully and thrashes him soundly. Out of revenge, he is so ingeniously accused of theft by the bully, that the crime appears to carry conviction. Finally the real thief exonerates him and the bully is expelled. There are some very funny passages between two opposing veterans of the war, and in the love making of a German professor. In due course the inevitable young lady comes on the scene with the usual results. A capital play, full of interest through- out. CHARACTERS FRANKLYN RISLEY, Dean of the University Character FRIEDERICH VON WEBER, Professor of German Character WALLACE FINDLAY, "The Babe" .Lead HOWARD THORNE. "The Bully" Heavy ARTHUR KINGSBURY. Capt. of College Team g tra >8 !t PAUL DINSMORE, a Sophomore g tra !S'it CLIFFORD PAIGE, manager of College Team .Straight JOHN FINDLAY, Wallace's father Character ALEC, an old colored attendant , j ? ct ? r MRS. ALMIRA DINSMORE, Paul's mother Old Lady GRACE DINSMORE. her daughter ...Leaf TOBY SPRAGUE, the watchman's daughter Ingenue ONE INTERIOR STAGE-SETTING. TIME OF REPRESENTATION Two hours, I YOUNC 30 min death, child's B.RTSC A. D Garr Subs< her. Adt seen Com audi Jrom which it was borrow " Paul. Mrs. iSnscoc 9 Oh, then!" ly', ork