15^ • UC-NRLF CC tsimiiMsiitiwr/^MfeiliSfALMwWMiwiiiBiERM i-;-V, NO PLAYS EXCHT^ [TW or Pl7\y3 COPVBtruT 1889. B" WALTER H BAKER A CO. PINERO'S PLAYS, i My Bound in Stiff Paper Covers, Jk Price, 59 cents each. 2^ /« ii-to amateur actors a series of modern pieces of the highest W H have met with distinguished success in tlie leading Eng Si ylv ieatres, and most of which are singularly well adapted^fo, f mi /)\ nfViJ^ '^ publication was onginallv intended for the benetit of A «t the ncreasmg demand for the pfays for acting purposes has /fl ir merely literary success, With the idea of placing t is excet iK ^ an?h^,-ifv? of the-largest possible number of amatlui Xbs we /|? J^ authority to ofier them tor acting purposes at an author's roy- ilw gp Ten Dollars for Each Performance. Ji nown on applSion?^'''''^''*"^''"^ perfAV . ^ . ^ „ acters. Costumes, modern; scenery, an exterior fl^ interior, not at all difficult. This admirable fnice is too w5l kno S I^JC -h Its recent performance by the Lyceum Theatre ConipanrXew York to W col7eger'(ffi!"' " '' especially recommended to young ?adiVs' scLols and JK \t/ THE CABINET MINISTER. I ^ ^^^^^« ^'^ Four Acts. By ^K <#^ j ARTHru W. PixEiio. Ten male Vf ■^""'^ r'ostumes. modern society; scenery, thix^e interforl/r'erfa^SinfSe'S^ VJ/ -enlous in construction, and brilliant in dialogue. ('1892.') ^"'"^•"S P'^ce, m- yj logue. n892.) ..*., DANDY DICK. I ^^ ^^^^^ }" P^-^f ^^^s. By Arthur W. Pixkro. Vf \S/ Seven male, tour female characters. Costumes, mod- ^^ ^m^^^'if performance of Mr. John Hare, who produce'KRo. i*-ight male and seven female char- .teriors, not easy. A play of powe?l^ff sv-nSSllf^^l^lri! V:^!'!^':^? /^'F (1892.) z^."orsievtdt\lr„"r:s'to\?/^^r."S^ w THE DOCTOR 3^n (Original (i[Qmii[ §mmn in Sfhr^^ %4^ BY CHARLES [rOWNSEND Author of "Rio Grande," "The Spy of Gettysburg." " t tnntgans Fortune. " The Mountain Waif" " Ihe Vagabonds^' "Moses" etc. AUTHOR'S EDITION BOSTON 1897 THE DOCTOR. CHAEACTERS. DiLLiNGTON Hopper, a New York stockbroker, who wants some fun — and gets it. Thomas Picton, his friend, who wants peace — and doesn''t get it. Crumley Chuggs, a nice old man, 7vho wants the widow — and gets her. Napoleon B. Plunker, an inventor, who wants the earth — and keeps on wanting. Mrs. Fanny Mayfair, a dashing young widow, who wants a ^^ larV — and has it. Mrs. Anastasia Billowby, another widow, who wants to elope — and is disappointed. Effie Picton, Topi's wife, who wants revenge — and then there'' s trouble. Time.— -Midsummer. Place. — Acts I. and III., Tom's country home. Act II., a woodland glade. Thne of playing, two hours and fifteen minutes. Copyright, 1896, by Walter H. Baker & Co, L All Eights Reserved. Special Notice. — The author and proprietor of " The Doctor "re- serves to himself all right of performing the said play in any part of the United States. Amateur dramatic clubs are at liberty to produce the play without further notice; but professionals, actors and managers can do so only by paying the author's royalty. Any unlawful production of the play will be prosecuted under the new Copyright Act to the full ex- tent of the law. Managers desiring this play may secure it on reasonable terms by addressing the author at Weedsport, N. Y. ^ 5?c or 7 vj^^ ! i r. •^»#^ 95*4 T747 COSTTJKES. {See, also, Remarks on the Play.) Hopper. — Act /.—Light sack suit, low shoes, derby or stra\r hat, fancy shirt, Windsor tie. Act IT. — Regulation outing suit except that, as he is out shooting, he wears leggins, and carries a gun and game-bag. The suit should be of dark gray or blue flannel. A straw hat or cap may be worn. Act III. — Evening dress. Tom. — Act I. — Usual summer suit. Act II. — Customary outing suit to contrast with Hopper's. Act III. — Evening dress. Plunker. — Act I. — Loud suit of check material with broad striped trousers. Fancy shirt, flaming tie and a profusion of jewelry. Act II. — Gaudy outing suit, with duplicate badly torn for second entrance. Act III. — First suit: Same as last, the rents being pinned up. Second suit : Evening dress, but in bad taste ; fancy vest, large diamond studs and rings — but be careful to avoid carrying this to the point of bur- lesque. C HUGOS. — Ministerial style — ^plain black throughout. Torn suit for change in Second Act. In Act Third change to evening dress. Fanny. — Act I. — Riding habit in black or olive green. Gloves, whip. Act II. — Elegant outing suit. Act III. — Same as Act Second, change to evening dress. Mrs. Billowby. — Act I. — Very rich tea gown or house dress, cut and trimmed with a view of making the figure exceedingly stout. (See chapter on " Costumes " in Townsend's " Amateur Theatricals " — a valuable book, which we mail for 25 cts.) Act II. — Outing dress. Act III. — Same, change to evening dress. Effie. — Act I. — Handsome tea gown. Act II. — Outing suit. Act III. — Same, change to evening dress. PROPERTIES. Act I. — Newspapers; decanter of cold tea and glass; a dozen packages, large and small, one of which contains a pair of light trousers ; several pillows and blankets. Act n. — Table cloth, dishes, cups, knives, forks, etc., for luncheon; two bottles of v.ine, one red, one white; wine glasses; gun to fire; cigars and matches; two baskets, one very large; umbrella. Act III. — Cigar and matches; three large pistols. W359531 /.. SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS FOR PROGRAMMES. Act I. — Home of the Pictons. Plunker and the press. " Anothei speculation gone to smash ! " A pair of schemers. The coy widow and her admirers. Plunker takes a tumble and Chuggs makes love. Plunker tries his hand. A drink of " nectar." A surprise. "It's vinegar, that's what." Tom and his troubles. Mrs. Billowby is shocked. More vinegar. "What the deilte have I done now.?" Tony's glad arrival. Makes matters worse. The broker turns doctor. Some tall medical tales. " So weak his voice fell whenever he spoke." "Cured! Well, rather!" The dashing young widow. Some sage advice. "Always make a man think you know less than he does." Tony and Fanny. Lovers' quarrels. Tony's inspiration. Tom gets a sudden attack. The "doctor's" opinion. "If life should suddenly cease, he would die at once!" Tony's ultimatum. Tom gets sicker. " Shiver now, shiver! " Alarm! Triumph ! A joyful dance. Caught in the act. Climax ! Act II.— Time, the next afternoon. A picnic in the woods. Music and mirth. Chuggs and Plunker in a row. " Two fool dogs quarrelling over a bone." A sudden peace. Tony has a new scheme. A triple elopement. " Tony, you're going it ! " Tom's flirtation. "This is t-tough business for me. Wish I'd got a few pointers." Efiie's rage. Tony's sympathy. " I could kill them both ! " " They might not like it. People are so unreasonable." Tony's plan. The plot thickens. Tom in earnest. Trouble begins. " Now, Tony dear, I'm all ready 1" General surprise. Mrs. Billowby is also "all ready." More surprise. " He's going to elope with me." " No, he isn't, he's going to elope with me!'^ War in the camp. Effie caps the climax. "I'm all ready!" The " doctor " gets " roasted." " Speak, sir, speak ! " Confusion ! Act III. — Time, evening of same day. Home from the picnic. Tom's opinion. Bombshell No. i. Effie in a rage. " I want revenge ! " " But I haven't got any." Bombshell No. 2. Anastasia's martial tread. More revenge wanted. A feminine fracas. Fanny moralizes. Tom gets a "bracer." Preparing for the fray. The "doctor " gives instruc- tions. A tearful trio. " Where does he lie ? " A triple challenge. Ready for gore. The famous three-cornered duel. " I'll plunk Plunker, he can chug Chuggs, and Chuggs can chug me." A halt in the fray. Effie pleads. " There is no law to prevent doctors from killing people." Unconditional surrender. The " doctor " triumphs. No doctor at all- just a plain stockbroker. A final prescription. REMARKS ON THE PLAY. In presenting this brilliant and successful comedy, we call particular attention to the fact that herein wit and humor are most happily mingled. In most of his comedy work Tovvnsend is more humorous than witty, since the fun arising from comic situations and droll speeches is more palpable than that from incisive wit. But in The Doctor he gives us many witty passages, and these require nice handling. A speech which might be made to convey a double meaning — as in the first scene be- tween Tom and Effie in Act Third — must be delivered with an air of utter simplicity, thus destroying any hint of double entente. The Doctor is a comic play, lying clearly within the domain of farce, inasmuch as it does not attack any foible or folly of mankind and its mirth does not always follow the lines of strict probability. It has proved, however, to be one of the liveliest, brightest and most laughable plays ever written, and with its short cast-^very role being strictly first class — it is a prime favorite. It is printed directly from the author's prompt copy, and from him we have secured the following valuable suggestions regarding each char- acter, which should be carefully studied. Hopper. This is the " star " part and should be in the hands of a dashing light comedian. Hopper is aboujt 25 years of age. He should make up as a blonde, wear a light, curly wig, no beard, and, while sprightly in action, he should carefully avoid over-acting. Deliver his lines with a snap, for the part will bear no dragging, and drive his long "patter" speeches in the first and last acts through with a rush. Tom is a young fellow of Hopper's age, but is his direct opposite in every way. He is slow in action and slow of speech. His lines mr.ot be delivered with an occasional hitch, but be very careful to avoid any- thing like a stutter. Tom is an easy-going fellow, with very little grit. Still he must not be played like a namby-pamby dude, for that would spoil the part. Make him up without much color, and wear no beard unless it be a light mustache. C HUGOS is a man of 65. His hair is gray, face pale, and he is either smooth shaven or a long, iron-gray full beard may be worn. He is a type of the smooth, oily, sanctimonious old schemer, who is always on the lookout for number one. Remember, though, that he is not a whining canter, so don't make his speeches drawl nor drag. This part should be played by a tall, slender man if possible. Plumper is a man of 45. He is red-faced, brisk, lively, stout and bumptious. A half-bald red wig and a red chin beard should be worn. Plumper is explosive, loud, noisy and gingery. He is always in a hurry, and the part — being one of broad low comedy — should be exaggerated somewhat. Fanny is a young widow of 21 and is a type of the Uvely, dashing young American woman. She should dress rather catchy, and the part must be played with an utter freedom from restraint. Deliver her r REMARKS ON THE PLAT. speeches with a brisk snap,, and carefully avoid posing, for the r61e won't allow it. Mrs. Billowby is a widow of 40 — "fat and fair." She should not be played like the conventional mother-in-law, as she is " marriageable," and naturally wishes to create a favorable impression. In drawing this character I made no attempt to give it depth, as it is wholly a surface creation. Mrs. Billowby changes with ever)- breeze, and therefore should be presented in a farcical light throughout. Effie is about 21 ; and as the part may be said to play itself, it calls for no particular description, as the lines and indicated business are ,suf- ficient. To THE Stage Manager. Whether this play be produced by amateurs without charge, or by professionals under royalty, I wish to caution Stage Managers to look after the climaxes of each act with the utmost care. If there are any delays as the climax approaches, the in- terest falls and can rarely be regained. This is true of all comedy climaxes, and especially so in plays of this sort when the curtain goes down on a whirlwind of fun. See that the cues are picked up with celerity, and insist that the play shall not go on until all are letter per- feet. ULf46'Kj think me g. ^ PL Divine? More than that — more than that. Divinity y^jj^^ cuts no figure with you. jf-r-' Mrs. B. Ah, Mr. Plunker ! ^'^{f PL Ah, Mrs. Billowby ! Ct^ Mrs. B. You flatter poor me. ^ \/mi^M PL Impossible. Pierce the blue dome of the high-arched .| heavens ; dive into the bottomless bottom of the bottomless sea, jjAi and yet I could not find words in which to say {Sees ' Chuggs.) Oh, blast that old kangaroo ! I. {Goes L. as CHUGGS enters R. with decanter and glass. '^ Ch. (R.). Here you are ; allow me. {Fills glass. Mrs. B. (C,). Thank you ; allow me. PL {receives glass fro ;n Mrs. B.). My dear njadam ! Ch. {holds up decanter ; aside). It's vinegar ! PL A draught from this fair hand is like unto the nectar of the gods ! {Drinks.) Ach ! {Chokes.) Gr-r- ! ^oozh^f^M^ Yah ! Gah 1 Ugh ! {Staggers to seaLfl^ Mrs. B. What's the matter ? )vU^ ^KOk^ PL The gumgasted, ugh, yah, vinegar ! Mrs. B. a7id Ch. Vinegar ? Enter Effte, r. Ef. Why, mamma, what is the matter ? Mrs. B. The professor drank some vinegar by mistake Ch. {half aside). And astonished his stomach as though it had been water ! 19, THE DOCTOR. Enter Tom, c, with numerous bundles, ^Ef. Why, Thomas, what a load ! Tom (stajids c). Yes, my dear. Mrs. B. {rapidly). Where on earth have you been so long ? Did you get me the white veil and match the Berlin wool ? Did. you secure a copy of Mr. Doleful's last sermon on scandal- mongers, and did you investigate that story about Mrs. High- flyer and her coachman ? And you brought my robe, and you gave that stupid dressmaker a piece of my mind ? X^ Ef. {rapidly). And you looked up those bargains in damask • — and you got my gloves — and you made arrangements for our picnic — and you Tom {throws packages on table). Yas. Everything is there. Help yourselves. {Aside.) Thank heaven Tony Hopper will be here to-day. He'll get me out of this mess. [Mrs. B. and Effie at table. ■^ PI. And you invested in the Plunker motor stock ? Tom. No — d-damn 'f I did ! I draw a line at your motor. Mrs. B. {cit c. with large package). . I suppose this is my robe. I do hope it will fit, for I'm sure {Opens package displaying pair of light-colored trousers.) Ah ! {Screams and Jlifigs trousers around Plunker's neck.) Ah ! Support me. [Chugg's catches her. Ch. Heavens ! Support me ! [Plunker backs against him. Ef. Give her something — oh, mamma ! Tom. Yas — g-give her something — oh, mamma! Here, (/^^^j decanter,) open her m- mouth, somebody. {Aside.) It's closed for the first time in her life. Drink, mamma ! [She swallows, chokes, sputters, atid stands erect. Chuggs and Plunker stagger back, glare and exeunt R. and L. Mrs. B. You w-wretch ! \^Crosses and sits. Effie joins her. Tom {blankly). What in b-blazes have I done now ? {Places decanter ofi table.) Hello ! {Looks through window.) By . J-Jove, he's arrived ! ^V Ef. Who.? C/^ ' Tom. Tony Hopper. ^^^^ Ef. Tony' Hopper ? Who is he ? Tom. The best fellow that ever lived, and a man every inch of him. DiL {qfC). Tom, old boy ! Tom {at C). This way ! [Exit C, re-entering immediately with DiLLINGTON Hopper. Dil. Tom ! T««. Let's have a look at you. Jove ! N-natural as ever. THE DOCTOk. ti • Bil. The same old coon, my boy. Tom. Not married ? Dil. No, thank heaven ! Mrs. B. Oh ! Dil. Eh ? Tom. Hush — I am ! Allow me. Mrs. Billowby, Effie, my dear, let me present my oldest and best friend, Dillington i. Hopper, Of New York. Dil. Ladies, your devoted. Mrs. Picton, you are a living witness of Tom's rare taste and better luck. But he always was a devil of a fellow among the ladies. ^ Ef. and Mrs. B. Oh ! Dil. Eh? Tom {aside). Confound him ! Dil. Aren't you well, Mrs. Billowby ? \ Mrs. B. I'm nearly dead. ^ Ef. Tom gave dear mamma something that disagreed with her. Tom {aside). And dear mamma always disagrees with me. Dil. {to Mrs. B.). My dear madam, you should not mind a little thing like that. When you know Tom as well as 1 do, you will not be surprised at anything he does. These quiet fellows are always the worst reprobates. {To TOM.) I know you of old, you sinner ! Mrs. B. {horrified). What do I hear ? ^ Ef. My husband a sinner ? Tom {to Dil.). For heaven's sake let up. Dil. It's all right, ladies — fact, I assure you. No doubt Tom has sown his wild oats before this. Mrs. B. I watch Mr. Picton's morals, sir, as closely as I do my own. Dil. Then 1 am sure that with such a guiding hand he never strays. I am glad that he has reformed, but it is nothing short of a miracle. x; Ef. Was he really so dreadfully dreadful ? Mrs. B. Effie ! Dil. Dreadful ? He was simply — I say, Tom, do you re- member Tom. Yas — never mind. \ Ef. Go on, Mr. Hopper ! Dil. — that night at the masquerade ball when you danced the \, Tom. I'll m-murder you ! ^ Ef. Go on, Mr. Hopper, go on ! N, DiL When you danced the what-you-may-call-it 1 \ Bt Oh ! If THE DOCTOR. • Mrs. B. My poor, precious lamb, I greatly fear that you , have been deceived in Mr. Thomas Picton. X Ef. To think that my husband ever danced the what — {sods) what — what-you-may-call-it ! Mrs. B. I shall demand a full explanation, Mr. Thomas Picton, regarding that what-you-may-call-it ! Come, my poor, < dear, injured innocence ! {They exeunt R./Wk^Bi Dil. It strikes me that I've put my foot in it. YdJLu J? Tom {seated). You've played the very d-devil with me. ^v5 Dil. My dear fellow, if I've got you into a scrape I must pull you out somehow. Let me diagnose your case. (Enter Mrs. B., R.) Place yourself in my hands, make me your doctor, and I will guarantee to cure anything from a tit of the blues to a bad conscience. Mrs. B. A doctor ? Excuse me, Mr. Hopper, but did I understand that you're a doctor t Dil. Madam, I Tom {to him). S-say yas. Dil. Certainly, madam. Tom {aside). Now I've g-got him ! Mrs. B. I am overjoyed to hear it, for I am so dreadfully delicate. Then I may depend on your services ? Dil. Certainly you may. {Aside.) Here's a go ! Tom {aside). Now I have g-got him ! Mrs. B. I must consult you regarding myself — describe my symptoms, you know. i)il. {aside). O Lord ! She's going to describe her symptoms ! Mrs. B. And my daughter isn't very well. I want you to find out what is the matter with her. DiL {cheerfully). All right. Tom {aside). I'll be d-damned if he does ! Mrs. B. And is my son-in-law threatened with disease ? Dil. Threatened ? My dear Mrs. Billowby, I fear that he is doomed to die if he lives long enough, and possibly if he doesn't. I was about looking him over as you came in. Now, my poor friend, let me see your tongue. Tom. Oh, come now, I s-say Dil. No words! Come! (YoiA shows tongue.) More! Still more! More yet ! All of it! {Feels pulse.) Ah — too bad, too bad, too bad ! Mrs. B. What is it, doctor ? Dil. Just as I feared, just as I feared. The specific genu- flections of the lymphatic dactyls indicate a marked inflexibility of the dia-pho-ret-ico-pan-tha-ca-thol-icon ! Do you follow me ? Mrs. B. Mercy on us ! Tom. Is it catching ? DiL Moreover there is a predisposition towards an acute THE DOCTOR. I J inflammation of the thalami nevoruin opticorum ! This, if not checked, will eventually lead to consumption, rheumatism, fits, intemperance, insanity, corns, bunions and poor health ! Do you follow me ? Mrs. B. Oh, doctor ! Is there danger ? Dil. Danger, my dear Mrs. Billowby ? Danger ? Why, my dear madam, if life should cease he would die at once ! Mrs. B. If life should suddenly cease he would die at once ! Oh, doctor, what is to be done ? Dil. I think we better soak his head, put mustard plasters on his feet and send for the undertaker. Tom. You had ? Now I can't see the joke in that. Dil. After all, the old treatment may be best. Mrs. B. The old treatment ? Tom {aside). What's c-coming now ? Dil. There are people so constituted that excitement is neces- sary to preserve their health. My poor friend is one of these unfortunates. Therefore when he drank champagne and danced the what-you-may-call-it Mrs. B. In a moral way ? Dil. Why, certainly — he was then following my directions. Tom. You're a b-brick ! ^ Mrs. B. How much we are indebted to yod, doctor,. and. how modestly you speak of it. Dil. My dear madam, you overpower me. I certainly am very modest, though I strive to conceal the fact ! Tom {aside). O Jupiter ! Dil. If you will excuse us for a short time I will continue my examination, as I wish to learn whether I must prescribe the old round of excitement — in a moral way. Mrs. B. {goes L.). Very well. {Aside.) Isn't he delightful ! And a doctor, too! Ah me ! I'm sure that my heart is af- fected. [Exit L. Dil. Now, my boy, you wrote that you're in trouble. What's the matter ? Tom. My mother-in-law% and I've g-got her bad. Tony, old man, if ever you have the choice between marrying a girl with a m-mother and jumping off the dock, don't hesitate — j-Jump.- DiL Poor devil ! Why not make a tremendous kick ? Tom. It's all right to t-talk, but how's a fellow to kick with both l-legs tied down ? Dil. You iiave got me into trouble very likely by making me a doctor. At the same time, if I can help you I will. Tom. You can, and it's dead easy. Marry m-mamma. Dil. Marry Beelzebub ! Tom. We won't argue that. She's rich, good-looking, on / ^^/OA^M/ (ir<^'^ ' -. -- ^ --X i4 THE DOCtOR. the right side of forty, warranted sound, and g-guaranteed not to shy. Dil. But, my dear fellow .Tom. Oh, she'll have you. Dil. But I don't want her. Tom. Very well — then t-take her out and lose her. Is it a go? Dil. I should say not. It's an utter impossibility. I'll be your friend forever, but hang me if I'll be your father. Tom. Then I may as well b-blow out my brains. Dil. Don't. It might kill you. Tom. Yas — I never thought of that. Dil. Look here, Tom. You have made me a doctor in spite of myselt. Very good. Now the desf thing is to prescribe for you in earnest. Tom. Yes — but I can't see the joke in that. Dil. It's no joke. You may live through it ; if not, I'll do what I can to make your last hours easy. And if you die, you will certainly get rid of your mother-in-law. [Tkejy go R. Tom. Yas — that's one comfort. Dil. All right. Then we'll rehearse our little drama " The Broker Turned Do^tor.^r the Son-in-Law's Revenge ! " [Exeunt R. .e iter Mrs. Billowby, l. roKer lurneo uocior,x>i Mrs. B. Dear me, I wish he would finish with Tom, for I want to see about (Looks through window.) Good gra- cious ! If there isn't that human cyclone, Fanny Mayfair, rushing up the steps in her usual whirlwind manner. It's positively outrageous the way she races through life. I can't endure her. Enter Fanny Mayfair, c. Fan. Anastasia ! Mrs. B. Fanny ! {Embrace.) I'm so glad to see you. Fan. I thought I'd surprise you, my dear, so I had my groom saddle the Devil Mrs. B. Fanny ! Fan. That's my horse — Dare Devil ; I usually drop the pre- fix. I wish you would have your men cautioned to look out for him. He's playful with his heels. Where's Tom ? Mrs. B. Closeted with his physician — a brilliant man. Fan. Is Tom sick ? Mrs. B. Very likely. We don't know for certain. The doc- tor is trying to find out. Fan. Indeed ? I should like to meet this brilliant doctor. {Aside.) I'll bet he's a regular quack. Mrs. B. Here he comes now. [Fanny turns L. •THE DOCTOfU t5 Enter Hopper, r. Mrs, B. Oh, doctor, how is he ? DiL 'Sh ! Keep quiet. I'll tell you shortly. Mrs. B. Very well. Excuse me, doctor, but here is a lady who wishes to know you. Fan. {aside). Oh, the spiteful thing ! Dil. I shall be delighted. Mrs. B. Mrs. Mayfair — Dr. Dillington Hopper. Dil. {aside). Fanny ! Now for an earthquake ! Fan. {aside). Tom ! Well, I never ! Mrs. B. Fanny dear, will you kindly entertain the doctor while I go look for Eftie ? Fan. (L.). Don't be long. Mrs. B. I will not. {Up c.) Catch me leaving that inno- jj cent young man very long with her. [Exit C ffl \ Dil. (R-). This is an odd meeting, Mrs. Fanny Mayfair. /f Fan. Very odd indeed. Doctor 'DWYmgion Hopper ! Ha, ha, ha 1 What a delicious fraud you are ! Dil. I dare say. Fan. Then you admit Dil. That I am playing the doctor ? Certainly. I assumed the role to help Tom. Fan. Is Tom in trouble ? Dil. Yes— he's married. Fan. Happy man ! Dil. Well — he'll serve as an awful warning. See what J might have been if you had not so shamefully ill-used me. Fan. I ? Well, if that isn't impudence ! Dil. Oh, deny it, deny it, of course. Fan. Certainly I do. It was yoii, sir, who ill-used me, Dil. What charming assurance ! Fan. Were you not insanely jealous ? Dil. Didn't you flirt with every fool you met ? Fan. I never flirted with you. Dil. Good reason why : 1 wouldn't let a coquette make a blooming idiot of me. Fan. No, for nature kindly spared the coquette that trouble. Dil. Married life has sharpened your tongue, Mrs. Fanny Mayfair. Fan. And single life your temper, Doctor Dillington Hopper. But there : we quarrelled when we last met. Now let us patch up a truce. Come — be pleasant, and I will promise to flirt with nobody else forever so long — a whole hour at least. Dil. You have not changed a particle. You are the same heartless, heedless, beautiful, lovable mystery as ever. Fan. And you are the same quick-tempered, good-hearted, 1 6 THB DOCTOR. <»vC. handsome, dashing man about town that you always were. Am I not right. Dil. A lovely woman is always right. Fan. Good — then we're friends again ?. Dil. Friends ? My dear Fanny, I'll not stop at friendship, for Fan. Ah ! Remember, I'm the same " heedless, heart- less " Dil. I never meant a word of it. Fan. Beautiful, lovable Dil. I mean — I meant — I — oh, hang it all ! Fan. We shall see. But how about Tom ? Dil. Poor devil. You see he has a mother-in-law and sev- eral other birds of prey fastened to him. By a lucky inspiration I'm made a doctor. I make him sick, scare away the birds, and Tom is himself again. Love, joy, peace, slow fire, red cur- tain, tumti tumti, bing, bang, bung, like Wagner's music — bet- ter than it sounds. Fan. Bravo ! Dil. Good scheme, eh ? Fan. Splendid ! Oh, what a lark ! Count me in, I'll be your partner. Dil. For life ? Fan, Hush — here comes Effie. Dil. Then I'll look after Tom. Remember now, you must help me out. Fan. All right. [Dil. exit R. Enter Effie, c. Fan. My dear Effie. [Embrace, "^s EJP. What an age since we met ! {They sit. Fan. And so you are married. How does it seem ? ^ Ef. Well — it's — er — nice and all that, and Tom is just splendid —but — you see • Fan. I see. Every couple is not a pair. .^ Ef. It isn't that. We get along nicely — we agree in ev^ery- thing, tor dear Tom always agrees with me. But I am afraid that he considers dear mamma something of a — a Fan. Nuisance ? Ef. Well Fan. My love, did Tom marry you or your mother ? Ef. The idea ! But you see, Fanny dear, Tom is not literary, and mamma is helping me cultivate him. Fan. Don't you do it. ~~^ Ef. Why not ? Fan, My dear Effie, I have been a woman for several years. ^ THE DOCTOR. 1 7 During that time I have made a very careful study of that in- teresting* animal we call man. V Ef. Yes— well ? Fan. The average man is vainer than a peacock. If a woman is bright and pretty he admires her, provided she knows less, or pretends to know less, than himself. But the moment that she assumes an air of superior wisdom his vanity is touched and he bolts. By the way, what visitors have you ? Ef. Dr. Hopper for one — and Mr. Chuggs, a philanthropist. Yes — he gives away other people's money. Prof. Plunker, the inventor, is here also. And the Plunker still -flourishes ? I thought he was Oh, no. He resides in ¥n u'ldtl^iar^ And pray what is the difference ? {outside). It's ridiculous, sir, ridiculous. {outside). Science, sir,js never ridiculous. Here they come, and quarrelling as usual. Enter Chuggs ^w^^Plunker, c. ^ Ch. I tell you it's an impossible humbug, sir ! PI. It's no such thing, sir. ^. Ef. Oh, dear ! Fanny, allow me. Mr. Chuggs, Prof. Plun- ker — Mrs. Maytair. \All bow very loixf. Ch. (R.). Most happy to meet you, Mrs. Mayfair. PI. (L.). Delighted Ijeyond measure, Mrs. Mayfair. Ch. Happiest moment of my ) PI. I assure you that j \Together. Approach, bowing, collide, glare, and go up R. a?td l.. Fan. (C). It's a dead heat ! All bets are off ! ^Ef, Ah, you rogue ! Two fresh victims. Fan. Stuff! Do you call those fresh ? {They go up c. Enter Mrs. Billowby, c. f/A Mrs. B. Oh dear ! oh dear ! ' ' \Sobs. f^^ Ef. What is the matter, mamma ? Mrs. B. It's Tom and the — the — cat ! Fan. Tom and the cat 1 Ch. She means the Thomas cat. PI. Maybe he saw a mouse. "^^ Fan. aiid Ef. A mouse ? Oh-h ! {They get on chairs. Mrs. B. No — there was no m-m-mouse. Fan. Then what's all this fuss about ? {Comes do7un C. Mrs. B. He was on the table Fan. Who, Tom ? Mrs. B. No, the cat. And he ate up all the d-devil 2 \ ■ okI 1 8 THE DOCTOR. PI. The devil ? Mrs. B. No, sir ! The devilled crabs. And he's got the consumption, too ! Fan. Who ? — the cat ? Mrs. B. No — Tom. The doctor says he'll surely die. And when he saw me -coming he growled and humped up his back, and Omnes. Wh o — Tom ? Mrs. B. {crossly). No — the cat. PI. {aside). Oh, rats ! Enter Hopper and Tom, c. Dil. {supportitig Tom). Easy, my poor friend, easy now. Ef. Oh, doctor ! [DiL. helps ToM to seat. Dil. Sh ! Keep quiet— don't excite him. Ef. Is he Dil. He is. It's a desperate case. Keep quiet. Ch. But what ails him ? Dil. A more or less complicated variety of disorders. I fear that he is a mere shell as it were, full of deadly material and liable to explode at any time. His drooping figure — {To Tom.) Droop, droop ! — his drooping figure indicates a sudden failing of the vital powers. His sad looks — {To Tom.) Look sad, look sad — his sad looks show that at best he fears the worst. Besides that, his consumptive cough — cough, confound you, cough ! (Tom coughs.) Don't be alarmed, don't be alarmed. {To Tom.) Keep it up, keep it up ! Ef. Oh, doctor, do you — is there any danger ? Dil. No doubt of it, especially if it runs into sm^ll-pox or yellow fever, Ch. aftd PI. Small-pox ? [They bolt for c. D. Dil. Hold on now, hold on. It hasn't gone that far — yet. Mrs. B. Then you can save him ? Dil. Save him, my dear madam ? Why, certainly. Consump- tion is my hobby, and I may say without boasting that I never lost a case. Tom {aside). I'll swear to that. Ch. {aside). What gorgeous liars these doctors are ! \ Ef. But this is an unusual case, is it not .'' Dil. Very unusual. I never saw one like it before. Tom {aside). I'll swear to that. Dil. Still I have seen others equally bad. I recall one of more than forty years' standing. He had taken more than a hundred varieties of sure cure for consumption, and therefore was nearly dead. He was very weak — couldn't hold his breath without dropping it, and his voice fell whenever he spoke. Lungs all gone, too — breathed through his giUs like a fish. fU^ff^J^ THE DOCTOR. I9 Mrs. B. And you cured him ? Dil. Cured him ? I think yes. So thoroughly that nobody knew him. Had to get out a writ of habeas corpus to prove who he was. PI. {aside). Oh, if I could only lie like that ! Dil. Tom will recover if my orders are strictly obeyed. \ Ef. They shall be. Dil. But if opposition arises Mrs, B. I'll sit down on any opposition. Tom {aside). I p-pity the opposition ! Dil. Tom needs absolute quiet. Nobody can remain here except his wife, the servants and myself. «^. Ef. Not even mamma ? Dil. Not even mamma, Mrs. B. But really, doctor, /must remain. Ch. Yes, doctor, we must remain, Tom. O Lord — the d-devil — I say Dil. Hush ! Tom has another attack. It's a chill. He's all in a shiver. {To Tom.) Shiver now, shiver ! Tom. I c-can't. It's too blamed hot. Fan. Run — everybody run — hurry ! Get hot water — liquor — flannel — something, anything, everything ! Dil. Yes, yes ! Hurry ! (77? Tom.) Shiver, confound you ! — Hurry up ! It's a case of life and death ! {To Tom.) Keep it up, keep it up ! S^GeneraTinovejnent. Mrs. B. aiid Effie run off R. Chuggs and Plunker start L,, tumble over each otj rise, glare, shake their fists a «& Ef. Fanny dear ! J M ^ Fan [d-own c). What is it ? to aT* ^Ef. Do you really think Tom is sick ? /wi4^ HtAttfff-* Fan. Desperately. 'H^Jtu J //" ■^Ef. He seemed lively enough yesterday. ^J^*gr riLW-' -^^ Tom. Notn-now. Y^**^****^ ^^' Fan. What then ? WMd « Tom. Running a f-footrace. ^ El With whom ? j(/^*^ /Kju(^ i,M^ C, y^^, Hi^tTA. • 22 THE DOCTOR. Tom. With an infuriated gentleman cow. (Mrs. B. screams.) There. Mamma has sounded an alarm ! [Mrs. Billowby runs on L. u. E. Mrs. B. Save them, Thomas, save them ! (Chuggs and Plunker j^//^L. u. E.) Oh! {Shot fired. All go up) Some- body's killed ! I — f know I shall faint. Tom. Wait till Chuggs gets here. Fan. Here comes a part of him. Enter Chuggs ^z^^^^Plunker, l. u. e. to c, supporting each other, gasping Jor breath, clothing torn, no hats. Tom. They look like a couple of baseball umpires. ^Ef. Are you hurt ? [They groan. Sit on stump, back to back. Mrs. B. Are you killed .? [Groans. PI. I was taking care of Chuggs. Ch. And I was defending Plunker. Tom. Yas — and your legs were t-taking care of you both. Enter Hopper in hunting costume, with gun, etc., l, u. e. *^Ef. Oh, doctor, you shot the cow ? Dil. Yes, I shot the cow — and the cow was a bull ; however, ■ that's immaterial. Ch. {dis?nally). I want my hat. PI. So do I. Dil. Go and get them — the cow won't kick. Mrs. B. We will go with you, won't we, Fanny ? Fan. To be sure. Come, professor. [They exennt L. u. E. Mrs. B. Now, Mr. Chuggs. [Helps him to rise, Ch. What an angel you are, my dear Mrs. Billowby ! Mrs. B. {going up l.). Then there's a pair of us, Mr. Chuggs. [Exit L. U. E. Tom. Moses ! "^ Ef. I want to go fishing. Come, Tom, I want you to bait my hook. ' Tom. What's the use ? There's nothing but bull-heads in the lake. ~~ Ef. Yes ! Then you keep away from the water. [Exit R.-^ Tom. Well, I— I like that ! [Exit R./fi|\ Dil. Things are getting decidedly warm here. {Lights y^ cigar.) The old lady insists on describing her ailments with a^j minuteness that is simply awful. What a circus there will be \% if she discovers that I'm no doctor. I ought to jump out before things tumble, yet I hate to leave Tom in a slump. What the devil can I do ? Let-— me — see. Eh ? Egad, I have it, I have it ! I'll get Tom to flirting with Fanny ; that will arouse Effie's jealousy. Then I will make love to Effie — in a moral way— I tr^^ THE DOCTOR. 2$ which will put Tom on his mettle ; and then, hang it, I'll make love to the old lady — in a strictly moral way — which will bring old Chuggs to the point. (Enter Tom, r.) Tom, come here. You love your mother-in-law ? Tom. As the devil loves holy water. Dil. Then to get rid of her Tom. Yas Dil. Make love to Fanny. Tom. What ? Make love to Fanny ? Dil. Platonic love. Effie weeps, old lady raves, I console her, get old Chuggs jealous, he roars, raves, marries the' old lady, they clear out, leave you alone, all serene, everybody happy. Catch the idea ? Tom (L.). Yas. Make love to Fanny Dil. (R.). Effie weeps Tom. Mamma wails Dn. That's the idea. (Tom exit L. i e.) Now for the fire- works. {Quickly,) Fizz, boom — ah ! [Exit R. i E. iKrS. ^./ Your invenflon is wonaerful — isiOt it, MrOChuggs ? Ch. Ah, yes — as wonderful as perpetual motion, or catching a whale in a tub — and just as possible. PI. What do you know of science, sir ? Ch. The same as you, sir. PL And that is Ch. Nothing. {Aside.) Kee ! Had him there ! Mrs. B. It's so nice to be an inventor. Why don't you get up something, Mr. Chuggs ? Ch. I am getting up something. I'm organizing a company, PL For what purpose ? Ch. To import green cheese from the moon ! Mrs. B. This doesn't seem like a real picnic. Ch. Why not ? Mrs. B. Because it hasn't rained to-day. PL {aside). Old Chuggs got pretty well soaked anyhow ! CIl You are right, my dear madam. I remember that when I was a little boy PL Oh, come now — don't give us anymore antediluvian his- tory. I've heard all about the deluge. Mrs. B. Here, help me pack up. We must return soon. {Bi^sitiess- of filling baskets, one of which is very large.) There, Mr. Chuggs, you take this. {Gives smaller basket.) And you this, 'ogives Plunker the larger basket) and this. { Throws table cloth over his head.) There, that's all. Now come on, and don't you dare lose anything. Ch. My dear Mrs. Billowby. {Offers arm, which she takes^ H THE DOCTOR. PL My dear Mrs. BiJlowby. \_Offers arm. Mrs. B. X)h botbej! [Ta%^ his arm also. ExeuntL. U. E. Enter hofper, r. u. e., and Fanny, l. 2 e. Dil. Fanny ! Fan. Tony ! Dil. {brings her down, C). I've got a scheme I Fan. Yes ? Dil. Mum's the word. Pan. Mum it is. Dil. H-s-h ! Pan. H-s-h ! Dil. Let's elope. Fan. Elope ? Dil. And get married. Pan. What for ? Dil. What for ? Why do any people get married ? Fan. Oh, for various reasons. Men marry for love, and all that. Dil. And women ? _ , Fan. Because they know so little about it. Dil. But a widow should know something about it. Pan. Ah, that's quite different. A widow, poor thing, learns by bitter experience that the sea of matrimony is very rough sailing. Dil. Yes, there are some squalls now and then. Pan. When a girl falls in love, she thinks the idol of her heart is simply perfection. She makes him a king in fact, and holds him beyond all price. Dil. And there she differs from us. No man would set any value on 07ie king, though he might bet his last red cent on four of them. Pan. Now I know what matrimony is like. I've been there. Dil. Only once, and then you married a man so old that you really adopted a father. Pan. If I thought you were in earnest Dil. In earnest 1 My dear Fanny ! In earnest ? Doubt that the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move Pan. There ! Now stop ! I can stand anything but poetry. Dil. Then in all seriousness, my darling, I love you as a miser loves gold, as a soldier loves glory, an actor applause and a girl ice-cream. Pan. I suppose I must believe you. Dil. Then it's a bargain .? Pan. Well — yes. Dil, Signed and delivered. {Kisses her,) And now I've another scheme. '( (n»v Y<^'Jm oLtiCt€^^ THE DOCTOR. • 25 Fan. {breaking away). What — another woman ? Dil. Oh no, my dear. H-s-h ! I want you to flirt with Tom. Fan. Excuse ??ie. Dil. And why ? Fan, Because he knows nothing of the art. Dil. Never mind that. Fan. But I don't see the point. Dil. It's plain as a pikestaff. Tom's wife and her mother have his nose on the grindstone. A mild flirtation will arouse his bump of self-esteem. He will assert himself, break loose from their apron strings, bounce the old lady, have a row with his wife, kiss, make up, everything lovely — see ? Do you follow me ? Fan. Without a break. Dil. Here comes the victim. I'll vanish. {Goes R.) Now remember, lead trumps and we're bound to win. [Exit R. u. E. Enter Tom, l. u. e. P'anny sits on stump. Tom. There she is. I wish Tony had given me some p-pointers. Fan. Why, Tom — Mr. Picton — how you startled me. I was just thinking of you — that is — I — I — you know. Tom. Yas. Fan. (sighs). Ah ! Tom. What's the m-matter ? Aren't you well ? Fan. Why do you ask .? Tom. I don't know. I — I never groan like that unless I have the colic. Fan. I am quite, quite well, but very unhappy, Tom. Let me console you. Beauty in distress always arouses my p-pity. Fan. You are so kind — so thoughtful. \^They cross to bank. Tom {seated). D-don't mention it. Fan. Ah, me ! Tom. Me too. {Aside.) I never made love like this before. Fan. My dear, dear Tom, have you, too, a hidden grief ? Tom. No — you c-can't hide her. Fan. Hide whom ? Tom. My mother-in-law. She's my grief Fan. How sad you look. It must be a weighty sorrow. Tom. Yas. She is rather heavy. Fan. And to think what might have been — for I am an orphan. Tom. Eh ? Oh, yas. Fan. Tom Tom. Yas, my dear ? [Ann around her. Fan. Tom, what are you doing ? Reflect. 26 • THE DOCTOR. K,ii:i^. Tom. I am. ' I always reflect this way. Fan. But, Tom dear, it is very, very wrong for you to do this. {Head fljt his shoulder.) You are married, you know. Tom. Yas. It's wrong for me, but it's all right for you. Fan. But if Mrs. Billowby should see you Tom (Ju77iping up). The d-deuce ! 'S2ilil. {indigna7ttly).. Mr. Picton, the next time you intend to have a spasm, I wish you would let me know. Tom. My dear Fanny, it's all right. I know I'm something of a m-muff, but what the dickens could you expect of a fellow in my place ? And you see when a fellow has found out that he knows what he didn't know before, and makes up hig mind that perhaps he ought io, the chances are that maybe he will some time or another, d-don't you know, unless he c-changes his opinion one way or another, so that it will be different more or less from what it had been before he made up his mind differ- ently from the way he — er (Aside.) Blast it ! — Don't you see ? Fan. Have you any idea of what you are talking about ? Tom. No — not in particular, except that I — er — love you, Fanny, ever so much — oh yes, I do — so if you're willing we'll astonish the natives, arouse the c-country, alarm the world, and upset the universe by r-running away with each other ! (Aside.) M-Moses ! What a mess ! Fan. Tom, dear Tom, your passionate eloquence is so con- vincing to a poor, weak woman ! I can resist no more ! I will run away with you ! [Throws herstlf in his arms. Tom {aside). I have made a m-mess of it. Fan. In a moral way. Tom [relieved). Oh, that's something different. {They go L.) Certainly, we can elope in a m-moral way. [Exeunt L. Enter Effie ^;2v Ef. Splendid ! I'll tell mamma ! Dil. H-sh-h ! Not for the world. Now run over to the farm- house yonder and write Tom a note. Work in " perfidious wretch," " false vows " and all that sort of thing. Tell him that he has broken your heart — smashed it into pieces — ten thousand or so — never mind the exact number — and vv^ind up by saying that you have found a sympathetic heart which beats in unison with yours — that you have flown away with your affinity — weary head, nest, breast, rest, and so on. ^ ^Ef. All right ! Oh-h!- Whaf a revenge 111 1iave ! [Exit L. I E. Dil. The plot is thickening. Effie is charming, lovely, de- lightful, I could run away with her in earnest if it were not for vhe mother-in-law. And yet, I suppose that mothers-in-law are somewhat necessary ; for, if there were no mothers, i suppose there would be very few daughters. Enter Mrs. Billowby, l. i e. Mrs. B. Such carelessness ! Such stupid, stupid careless- ness ! Dil. {aside). Hello ! Here's a rod in pickle for somebody. Mrs. B. Oh, doctor, what do you think ! Dil. My dear madam, when the thermometer gets above ninety-five in the shade I never think. Mrs. B. That is all right — but we're left. Dil. Right— left ? Mrs. B. The horses have escaped and a storm is rising. Oh dear, what will become of us ? Dil. My dear Mrs. Billowby, don't trouble yourself about getting home. My cottage across the lake is entirely at your disposal. All are w^elcome there, yourself especially. The light of your beautiful countenance illuminating the portals of my humble cot would be like unto a momentary gleam of paradise. Mrs. B. {aside). How divinely beautiful 1 Dil. My dear Mrs. Billowby — may I say Anastasia ? — the rude and halting words of my poor tongue cannot fitly express the ideas which throng my teeming brain when I gaze upon your cameo face and fairy form. Mrs. B. If I thought I could trust you — but alas ! you know that I am hampered with a large fortune,' and men are prone to deceive. Dil. Dissipate your fortune — throw it away, give it away — but don't let your miserable money bar me out. My admiration for you is above par, payable on demand. Join me. my dear Anastasia, and we'll form a joint stock company with unlimited liability to increase our numbers ! Mrs. B. Eh ? Dil. In a moral way. Mrs. B. How my heart flutters. But — but there is Mr. Chuggs — if I thought we could avoid him Dil. We can — we will ! Divine Anastasia, let's elope ! Mrs. B. When ? Dil. Now. I'll take you across the lake and leave you in security. Then I'll send for the others and we'll give them the grandest surprise party of the year. Mrs. B. liow perfectly delis^htful ! I will be ready in a mo- ment. -^S/li^^K/Y r<4^^ oL*/i Z- f [Exit R. I E. Dil. Tony, you're ^ing it, yoii're going it. You always do go it. but this time — um — let me consider. I'll leave dearest Anastasia at the cottage, and have Tom set old Chuggs on her track. She will be frightened into fits and will marry him off- hand. Then I'll have my platonic elopement with Effie and have some one post Tom after her. Meanwhile I'll run away with Fanny sure enough. There's diplomacy worthy of a Talley- rand. I say Tom ^^ (%ULcr^M^y4JLJcL Enter Tom, l. i e., with umbrella and wrap. Tom. Don't stop me, old fellow — I'm in a h-hurry. Dil. You ? Tom. Yes — I'm going to r-run away with Fanny. Dil. You are, eh ? Tom. You told me to m-make love to her. Dil. But I did not tell you to go that far. Tom. No — but I've g-gone. Dil. Well, you haven't, and what is more you won't. You — a married man ! You should be ashamed of yourself. Tom. Oh, bother ! V>ovi\yoii preach. Enter Chuggs ««^Plunker, l. u. e., with baskets. To^ Joins them, all remaining up L. Dil {down c). Married people should never elope. The effect on society is very bad. THE DOCTOR. 29 Enter Fanny, l. 2 e. Fan. Tony ! Dil [aside). Fanny! The deuce ! Fan. I've got rid of Tom, {rims to DiL.) and now I'm all ready to run away with you ! All {aside). Run away with him ! Fan. Won't it be jolly ! Dil. Tremendously. Chug. I say, Plunker — he-he ! Your Fanny — he-he PI. Oh, dry up ! [Fanny goes up R. Dil. (^side)^. Confound it, sl]^ has upset everything ! Enteral Rs. Billowb^r. i e. / ^—^.^.S^ Mrs. B. Tony! My dearest, d ea rest Tony M {j^Runs to him. . All. Her dearest Tony ! /iv^*^ ^. cUaaA ve me all the hor- rible details. Remember, I haven't seen a Sunday paper in a week. Tom {solemnly). Tony, we've got to f-fight. Dil. Of course. Proceed. (xk>u^ Yt^uLt ^^ 6 fo ^^ 9-cAjtuA^,"4 ^Q^O^ off 4ffis mortal coil. For' one thing, your burial certificates must be filled out. PI. Burial certificate } Dil. Why, to be sure. You wouldn't die like paupers, would you ? Besides, the law requires that we turn men over to the undertaker in regular form. {Takes out memo book and pencil.) Now then — attention, please. You will solemnly state whether you are male or female ; black, white or colored ; age, height and weight ; are you tramps, paupers, idiots, anarchists, criminals, millionaires. Republicans, Democrats or Presbyterians .'' Do you eat with a knife, chew gum, play the violin or smoke cig- arettes ? And, finally, the cause of death. I believe, in the present case, that Mrs. Billowby is the exciting cause — am I right ? PL Mrs. Billowby certainly did commission me to Ch. Beg your pardon, sir, but she commissioned ine. PL I begjj/(?«r pardon, but Mrs. Billowby is a lady of taste, sir, and she promised me her hand if I challenged the doctor. Ch. Promised _y^w, sir ? She promised ;;z^. PL It's false, you old sag-wap ! Ch. You're another, you old — old DIL Gentlemen, gentlemen, this won't do. You came here to fight me, but I judge you are not only willing but anxious to fight each other. Ch. andYY. Yes, sir ! DiL Then what do you say to a triangular duel ? Ch. I never heard of a triangular duel. Dil. It's very simple. You take this pistol and stand over there. (Chuggs goes to L. front.) And you take this and stand there. (Plunker at R. Jront.) I will stand here. {Up c.) Now then, we are all ready. When I count three, I will chug Mr. Chuggs, and Mr. Chuggs can plunk Mr. Plunker. Ch. But I don't want to be chugged. PL And I'm not going to be plunkered ! DiL Gentlemen, it is the only possible way. All ready. Aim ! (Chuggs aims over Plunker's head.) Good heavens, Chuggs ! Our friend Plunker is not eleven feet tall. Come down. Once more. All ready — aim ! (Chuggs holds arm before face and swings his pistol towards R. E.) One — SJ^.-^ Mrs. B. screams arid enters R. Mrs. B. Murder ! Don't shoot me ! DiL Recover arms. Mrs. B. Crumly, dear Crumly, can you ever forgive me ? DiL" Certainly he can. Haven't you saved his life ? In THE DOCTOR. 41 another minute he'd have been scared to death. Run to your Chuggy ! \^She crosses to Chuggs. PI. Another speculation gone to smash. Enter Fanny, Tom and Effie, c. Fan. Not killed 1 Oh, Tony ! Dil.- (C.). Fanny! [They embrace. Tom (R. C). Effie ! [Embrace. Mrs. B. (L.). Oh, Chuggy ! [Embrace. PI. (R,). Oh, Plunker ! [Embraces himself. Tom. I say, Tony, you'll have a story for the boys when you get back into Wall Street. •^ All. Wall Street ! Mrs. B. Merciful heavens ! Isn't he a doctor .? Tom. Yes — he often doses the market. Dil. {to Mrs. B.). And yesterday I was at least a doctor of divinity. Mrs. B. {coyly). Oh, Mr. Hopper. Tom. M-Moses ! Pan. Perhaps, Tony dear, you can give us a final prescrip- tion that will apply to everybody. Dil. Well, I'll try. {To audience.) Ladies and gentlemen, — Follow the Golden Rule : Be virtuous — in a moral way — and you will all be happy. CURTAIN. A NEW CUBAN PLAY, IN THE TRENCHES. A Drama of the Cuban War in TmtE Acts. By ABEL SEAMAN. Eight male, three female characters. Costumes modern and military scenery not difficult. An exceptionally strong and well-constructed melodrama, full of powerful situations and humorous incidents, which has been successful in professional hands. Its story is full of interest, and is told by a well-selected and contrasted group of charac- ters, including Hebrew, Irish and Negro comedy roles. The second act is laid in the trenches before Santiago, and gives opportunity for military display if desired. Its action is very spirited, its cl'max strikingly heroic and its appeal to patriotic sentiment overwhelming. Strongly recommended. Price 15 Centb. SYNOPSIS. ACT I.— A strange will. War with Spain. The Colonel's history. Paul Davis* pride. The sealed packet. An honest man. A sad experience. A brave bargain. The dawn of love. Is h^ a coward? Heid in trust. Financial agent. A brother's wrong. The seat of war. For love or money. Nadina's sacrifice Passion's penalty. A man's independence. Strange disclosures. Rejected by the rose. The march to the front. Beggar'd in pocket and bankrupt in love. With flying colors. A heart of gold. The roll of the drum. Away to the war. Facing the foe. ACT II. — In the trenches. Why he 'listed. An Irishman's philosophy. For valor. Unconscious of danger. The sergeant's hut. On the slopes of Santiago. The Colonel's prejudice. Risen from the ranks. A half-dead Spaniard. Letters from home. Strange news. A cruel insult. The plot of ruin. Spies in the camp. A token of love. For himself alone. Nad na's truth. Under arms. Ringing the changes. Doomed to dishonor. Cruel to be kind. Husband and wife. The envelope and the seal. Sent to the front. The Spanish colors. The forlorn hope. A soldier's death. Food for pow- der. ACT III. — In Santiago. The two papers. A rogue's quarrel. A dtserted wife. Green's luck. The sacred truth. A blameless life. Brought to the test. Mother and child. A man to love. For her sake. Nadina's sacrifice. The love of the lion. The eagle spreads his wings. Testing the metal. Struck to the core. The spider's web. Joy does not kill. Forget and forgive. After many years. The stolen proof. Hoist with his own petard. Spanish treachery. Biting the dust. True to himself. Bowie) out. Rubber Boots. A FARCE IN ONE ACT. By riANLEY H. PIKE. On^ male, three female characters. Scenery, an easy interior; costumes modem. This is a most ingeniously imagined and cleverly written little piece, admirably suited fcr amateur performance. Its theme is the encounter of three youiij; l.idies with a tramp, and it provides twenty minutes of delightfully humorous incident aird dialogue. The tramp is a " dumb " character, his part being wholly in pantoniim.-, but remarkably effective. Very strongly recomm ded. Price 15 Cf itts. Sent postpaid^ on receipt of price, by BAKER, 5 HAMILTOI^ PLACE, BOSTON, MASS. A NEW CUBAN PLAY. THE ROUGH RIDER. A Drama in Four Acts. " By BERNARD F. nOORE. Seven male, two female characters. Costames modern and military; sce- nery easy but effective. This piece, reflecting as it does the current patriotic sentiment aud dealing with the scenes and incidents of the late war, is likely to be very popular with amateur clubs this season. The attempt has been made in it to construct an effective play, providing stirring pictures and situations, in- spiring patriotic sentiment, aud recalling familiar incidents of the war, without the use of supernumeraries or the need of elaborate scenery or properties. Better plays, no doubt, can be written, but better plays for the use of amateur?, bearing in mind their artistic limitations and the diflBculties offered by elaborate scenery and groupings, are not often to be had. A small cast, strongly marked characters, Negro and Irish comeily parts, rapid movement and strong lines unite to recommend this piece, which plays about two hours. Price 15 Cents. SYNOPSIS. ACT I.— War clouds. The new overseer. Father and son. Theblowing- np of the • ' Maine." A glimpse into the past. A scheme of revenge. An Irish- man's courtship. Nigger t*s. Irish. A serious question. A declaration of love and another of war. The call for volunteers. "Take that, you Spanish dog!" The first blow for the freedom of Cuba. ACT II.— Sergeant Kafferty, The Hough Riders. A^ma in danger. The Cuban spy. A letter. Sam aud Dennis. "Chickens, or I'm a liar!" A meet- ing. News from Manila. Traitors in camp. Danger. The poisoned water. Tbeabduc ion. " We'll save him or die in the attempt!" ACT III. — In a Spanish pri.sion. A black angel. Explanations. Planning an escape. The villain shows bis hand. A forced mairiage. "Remember! a Spaniaril never f )rgets." The Cuban spy again. The bombardment of Santiago, Laying low. The marriage ceremony. The tables turned. " There's one blow for the Stars ami Stripes." The fall of Santiago. ACT IV.— Peace once more. A mysterious stranger. Suspicions. The Spanish kidnapper. Sefior Fqtferty's proposal. A colore