JUST OUT, The handsomest American ILLUSTRATED BOOK OF TRAVELS Ever published ! R O U M A N I A THE BOEDER LAND OP THE CHRISTIAN AND THE TURK, Comprising Adventures of Travel In EASTERN EUROPE AND WESTERN ASIA. Ey JAMES O. NOYES, M.D. ; (SURGEON IN THE OTTOMAN ARMY.) Largo 12mo. Pp. 520. Elegantly bound in Cloth. Price $1 50. A long continued residence in AUSTRIA. HUNGARY, SERVIA THE DANUBIAN PRINCIPALITIES AND TURKEY, and a fami liarity with several European languages, have enabled the author of this volume to become so intimately acquainted with the inhabitants of the above countries, that no more capable individual, perhaps, could be found to relate truly, and in so interesting a manner, the customs and charac teristics of a people, together with such historical sketches and personal adventures as would form A Capital Book of Travel. His object has been to give a truthful picture of the everyday life of the people among whom he travelled, especially the poetical nations of the Lower Danube, whose names are scarcely known to American readers \V hat relates to humanity concerns all, and to know the beliefs and senti ments of our fellow-beings, to learn with what songs, traditions, and pastimes they amuse each other, interests us more than the dry details of governments, or the mere impressions of the passing traveller. In order to make this work as attractive as possible it has been pro fusely embellished with Full Page Engravings, from original designs, upon wood, illustrative of objects of historical interest, together with such pictures of the life and manners at the present day as will make for the reader altogether the Handsomest Book of Travel ever published in this country. Sold by a!l Booksellers in t he United States. Copies of this book will be sent by mail, postage paid, to any part of tho United States, on receipt of the price, $1 50. RUDD & CARLKTOX, "ublishcrs and Booksellers, 310 Broadway, N. Y. (L NOTHING TO SAY THE FUNNIEST WORKS IN EXISTENCE." DOES TICKS BOOKS, New editions of which have been RECENTLY PUBLISHED BY RUDD & CARLETOX, 310 BROADWAY, & Y. DOE STICKS, WHAT HE SAYS. Pp. 380. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. Price $1 00. Being a compilation of the original letters from the immortal Q. K. PHI LANDER DOESTICKS, P. B. (Perfect Brick.) [FromN. P. Willie s Home Journal. ] "Things so copied, 30 talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be lent to you, BO quoted, and so relished and laughed over us Doeslicks writings, never were launched into print." PLU-RI-BUS-TAH ; A SONG THAT S BY NO AUTHOR A DEED WITHOUT A NAME. Pp. 264 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. Price $1 00. not moDtioned by Bancroft, Hildrelh, or Pretcott. is a Novel It is unapproachable, forH con tains several characters unknown to Cooper, Dickens, Marryatt, or Bulwer. Asa Mythological Work it should be immediately secured, as k makes mention of a muncier of gods and deified worthies hitherto unknown to old Jupiter himself. As a Poem, its claims to consideration can not he denied, as it comprises a great many beauties not discoverable in the " Song of Hiawatha," besides several Indian names which were therein omitted." THE ELEPHANT CLUB. BY DOESTICKS AND KNIGHT EUSS OCKSIDE, M.D. Pp. 321. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth. Price $1 00. A veritable and veracious History of the Doings and Misdoings of the members of the Elephant Club. With the minute and particular narrative of what they did. To which is added a com- plei and elaborate description of what they didn t. Containing also the exultant record of their dulterated animal, from the primitive hair on his attenuated proboscis, to the last kink of his symmetrical tail. NOTHING TO SAY; Being a satire on Snobbery, which has "NOTHING TO DO" WITH "NOTHING TO WEAE." Supcr oln Ellusiratcti on Ctntcti iJBaprr. Pp. 60. 12rao. Elegantly bound in cloth. Price 50 cents. These Books are all profusely embellished by Engravings from the finest original comic designs by JOHN McLENAN, and are books which no Ameri can miscellaneous library should be without. Copies of any of these books will be sent by mail, postage paid, to any part of the U. S., on receipt of tho price. NOTHING To SAY: A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery, WHICH HAS "NOTHING TO Do" with "NOTHING TO WEAR." BY Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B. "My verdict for the white rose side." 1 HENKY VII. ii. 4 NEW YORK: RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY. M.DCCC.LVII. Entered ticcording to Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by KUDD & CAKLTON, In the Clerk s Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New York. R. CBAIGHEAD, PRINTER AND STEREOTYPE?., Carton UuiltJing, 81, 83, and S5 Centre Street. NOTHING TO SAY. I, Q. K. P. DOESTICKS, of No Hall, Nowhere ; No Castle, no Villa, no Place, Court, or Terrace ; Who didn t write " Junius," or " No thing to Wear," Who never have visited London or Paris ; 8 Nothing to Say. Who am not a phantom, a myth, or a mystery, But a " homo," as solid as any of his tory; As real as Antony, Ccesar, or Bru tus, A wide-awake Yankee, so " tarnation cute " as To always write Nothings, while No things will pay, Am the author of this Nothing No thing to Say. Nothing to Say. 9 I mention this fact in advance, that Miss P*** May not strive to embezzle the laurels from me. That her Reverend friend may attend to his Litany, And leave me my fame, if perchance I shall get any. I deemed it best, to set at rest, This question before it was started, lest Some terrible girl from the far countree, Without proper regard to veracitetf, Should haste to town, to drag me down io Nothing to Say. From my envied post of poetic re nown. Miss p***, I ve a favor to ask. If tis true, That "Nothing to Wear," and "No thing to Do," And " Nothing to Eat," were all written by you, Let those three Nothings content you I pray, Say nothing yourself; leave me " No thing to Say." Nothing to Say. n From time immemorial, people of fashion Have been the target of poets and penny wits, And been lampooned without stint or compassion, From Dan to Beersheba from Dublin to Dennevitz ; And our now-a-day rhymsters, taking the cue, Have aimed all their shots at the Fifth Avenue, Till the clever author of " Nothing to Wear," Fired his broadside at Madison Square. 12 Nothing to Say. Now / don t consider this sort of thing personal, I m not a bit of a dandy or fop ; But the seed it is constantly sowing, is worse than all Others, and bears a most plentiful crop; For it all goes to strengthen the popular fallacy That, because a man lives in a " brown stone palace " he Must be a miser, a rogue and a knave, Without soul enough to condemn or to save Nothing to Say. 15 That a broadcloth coat argues sin, if not felony ; If a man has the tact in the world to get well on, he Cannot be else than a thorough-paced scamp ; That the " villanous rich " wear a cloak and a mask, all, And the greater the riches, the greater the rascal. That the cardinal virtues only endure, In the atmosphere with the " virtuous poor ; " That nowhere are found the true Chris tian graces, 1 6 Nothing to Say. Save closely allied to the dirtiest faces. I shall not contradict this delightful tradition, But beg No, I won t, I will take it permission, To state, that I think there s a word to be said, From a different text, on the opposite head. And so I ll invent, as well as I m able, A new home-made, allegorical fable ; And my honest purpose shall be, to see Nothing to Say. 17 If the scoundrel rich have not borne a part In those noble charities, which are The pride of this jolly old city s heart. And if I shall find that the virtuous mob Have ever been known one farthing to Without hoping a hundred-fold profit to make : Where the " rich man," the " miser," " aristocrat," " snob," Has poured out his thousands for Chari ty s sake, 1 8 Nothing to Say. I ll lay down my pen, and have "Nothing to Say." I shall not describe the SPIRIT OF CANT, Of popular humbug, and vulgar rant, And tell how he looks in a tangible form, And give the length of his horns and claws, The spread of his wings, the width of his jaws, And detail the other proportions grim, Nothing to Say. 19 Which belong to a powerful demon like him. Go and look at the melodramatic stage, When a " spectacle " piece is all the rage ; And there, in the midst of some " pro perty " storm, While the sheet-iron thunder is rattling its best, And the rosin lightning, and all the rest Of the elements are, for some tragedy reason, Making the " awfullest gale of the season " See, at the sound of the prompter s tap, 20 Nothing to Say. The fiend come up through the " Vam- pyre trap ; " Take a mental photograph then, and there, Of that imp, with his " fixins " all com plete The elfish grin, the tangled hair, The dragon wings and the scaly feet And you ll have a notion of him I mean, The demon of this, my opening scene. I might go to Milton, and steal, bit by bit, A description to suit my Spirit of Cant, Nothing to Say. 21 A second-hand suit, but a " shplendid fit," As a Jew would assure me but then I sha nt. His work is to preach the humbug which passes For gospel among the " down-trodden masses ; " And to prate of the " wrongs and in dignities," which Are heaped on their heads by the "cold- hearted rich." 22 Nothing to Say. This Spirit was busy at work one day, Amongst a crowd of Bowery boys, When CHARITY happened to come that way; And she stopped to listen though, sooth to say, She seldom is fond of clamor and noise. * Now, pray, Mr. Author, wait just a minute, Stop ! Drop Taeo 8T> Nothing to Say. 25 Your subject, and don t again begin it Till you tell us : What did Charity wear? Was her dress of moire antique, or satin; Or was it plain muslin -just like that in Which love-lorn maidens on the stage Go raving crazy ? and had she a page ? Did she wear hoops? and what sort of a bonnet? And tell us, what kind of trimming was on it? What Stop, stop, dear ladies, it isn t fair 2 6 Nothing to Say. To question thus closely a modest young man. If I could tell the items, I would, I declare ; For I always oblige you whenever I can. I know that of dresses she has a variety, Though vanity s not her predominant passion, She was costumed, no doubt, with the greatest propriety, In the very extreme of the reigning fashion. Nothing to Say. 27 Well ! she stopped to listen, a minute or more, To the fellow s mischievous harangue, before She resolved what to do ; then she stepped to the door Of an Astor Place car, and beckoned to him, And he followed at once, while his audience scattered ; To tell the truth, he felt quite flattered, And he smiled a smile most heavy and grim, For he thought he d awakened a tender passion 28 Nothing to Say. In the heart of a belle, a lady of fashion. And they sat side by side, this curious pair, While they rode up to Eighth street and she paid the fare. They stepped from the car, and stood before, The " COOPER INSTITUTE S" new-painted door Nothing to Say. 29 " Who hath done this ?" asked Charity then; " Who hath done this for his fellow- men? Hath builded this house, that all may come The poor most welcome to Learning s treasure, And drink their fill without stint or measure *? Who hath so nobly used his thrift, And bestowed on the world this price less gift, Free to all, whoever may come ? 30 Nothing to Say. Was this noble work built up by the " masses," Or by one of the " miserly, upper clas ses ?" To the Spirit, this speech was quite unexpected, And he stood in a sort of stupid dismay ; And before his few scattered thoughts were collected, She rightly concluded he d Nothing to Say. Nothing to Say. 31 Then she lifted her skirts with a mas terly hand, And out of the puddles and ruts kept them well up, Thus showed that she had the most perfect command Of the crinoline mysteries of her en velope. Twas done with the daintiest grace all the while, And discovered the daintiest possible gaiter, Then she turned to her friend with a nod and a smile* 32 Nothing to Say. And told him to follow he straight way obeyed her. As they hurried along, she kept ever before htm, And he kept his eye on the tempting prunella, Secretly hoping there d come such a shower As would make a new Flood in half- an-hour That she, with a womanly care for her bonnet, Which would " spot," with the least drop of water upon it, Nothing to Say. 35 Might become condescending, and hum bly implore him To come along-side with his cotton um brella. But the shower didn t come, and with out a disaster, They reached the huge Library chris tened of ASTOR. Then she shook down her skirts to their natural latitude Ahem d once or twice struck out a nice attitude And .then she struck into this little ora tion, 36 Nothing to Say. Though I m sure / don t know where she learned declamation. " Spirit, behold ! these bending shelves Are groaning neath the gathered store Of every nation s varied lore. Most welcome are the poor themselves To freely turn these countless pages, And gather from the words of sages All the light of former ages. Whoever wills is here a guest, The poorest are the welcomest Nothing to Say. 37 Who hath done this ? your virtuous mob, Or a " cold-hearted miser," a " pampered snob " Here her Companion began to perceive That her feminine tongue would have its own way ; That the cleverest thing Tie could do was to leave The talking to her, and have Nothing to Say. 38 Nothing to Say. The lady had now been chattering so long, She felt that her voice was beginning to fail her ; A punch would, she felt, be a blessing and boon, The " dientical " thing with which to regale her, So they pushed their way through the gathering throng, And hurried away to Taylor s Saloon. Nothing to Say. 39 They seated themselves at the table to gether, The customers " staring their eyes out," to see Who this queer-looking couple could possibly be, Asking each other in whispers, whether, It wasn t the likeliest thing that she, Was a Western Actress, and he an Editor ; And some were terribly frightened, be cause They couldn t help thinking there cer tainly was, 4-O Nothing to Say. The Old Nick to pay, and that he was their creditor But the strangers composedly sat, never heeding These stupid remarks, or taking of fence, And they quietly kept on their drink ing and feeding, Without the slightest regard to expense. If an appetite sharp is a thing so de lightful, Nothing to Say. 4.1 Charity had no occasion to sigh at hers ; Boarding-house keepers would say it was frightful, And ruinous too, to the hotel pro prietors. They were sated at last, and turned from the door ; He, wondering whither she now would go- And well he might in an instant more He was over shoes in the frozen snow; 4- 2 Nothing to Say. While she coolly remarked, with a Ca- mille cough, That the North Pole was only a half a mile off. How it was they got to their present location, I m sure I don t know, and it s not my vocation To give the details of their quick locomotion. Electricity may have done it, or steam; Nothing to Say. 45 But motive powers are not my theme. My heroes were there, near the frozen ocean. The man had too much of " cold without," And the lady sighed for her tippet and muff; For though they had come by a sum mary route, The weather, they found, was wintry enough. 46 Nothing to Say. When they climbed an iceberg s loftiest height, To the imminent danger of dresses and hoops, Of ribbons and pins, and laces and loops, The GRINNELL EXPEDITION was in sight. Now the lady had been prepared to preach, Nothing to Say. 4.7 Or rather, to make a nice serious speech ; But it might as well have been written in Dutch for her, For the wind and the weather, con spiring together, Turned out to be, altogether too much for her ; One half she forgot, and she bungled the rest of it, Though I finally managed to pick out the best of it. She asked her companion, who stood in the lee of her, 48 Nothing to Say. For the wind spread her skirts to the bigness of three of her, " Who sent these ships to the rescue of those, Who have perilled their lives in these Northern snows ? Did he spring from the mob, the benevolent * masses, Or from the detestable upper classes ? With a great deal more to the same effect, Which I couldn t exactly make out the sense of, For I know that her sentences " failed to connect ; " Nothing to Say. 4.9 And I suppose that her chattering teeth bit the ends off; But twas very conclusive, whatever she said. He never disputed her; never said nay, But only hung down his discomfited head; And whatever he thought, he had Nothing to Say. 50 Nothing to Say. Chilled to the heart with the terrible cold, Both to get back were most truly solicitous, Never before was the saying old, " As cold as charity," half so feli citous. They hastened back to Broadway, when she said, That one more journey that night she d lead him, Nothing to Say. 5 1 Before she d let him go home to bed. And he, not caring to quibble or ques tion, At once fell in with the lady s sug gestion, Not thinking she d " one more " lec ture to read him. This time they took a course rectilinear Southward, and landed in Norfolk, Vir ginia. 52 Nothing to Say. Pestilence there was doing its worst, Hundreds were dying, and hundreds were dead. Many who should have been bravest, the first Had deserted their trust, and shame lessly fled. But men from the Northern cities were there, Nursing the sick with the tenderest care, Whose kindred had fled to less dangerous lands, Leaving the dying to strangers hands. Tago 52 Nothing to Say. 55 While the two stood quiet beside the bed Of a patient sufferer, Charity said: " Who hath sent these strangers here, These dying men to soothe and cheer ? To do what mortal skill may do To lighten their burdens of grief and woe ; To shrive these dying souls, of blame, To bid them hope in Heaven above. Who hath sent these in my dear name 56 Nothing to Say. To do this holiest work of love ? Hath the treasure here given been paid by those Whose * wrongs are so earnestly plead by you ? Or hath it been done by their * natural foes, The wealthy, the rich, the opulent few Of Madison Square and the Fifth Avenue ? " Nothing to Say. 57 During this lengthy interrogation The Spirit had been pretending to doze, But he waked himself up at the * peroration, And most ungallantly turned up his nose, And turned on his heel, and turned him away, Sulkily saying, he d Nothing to Say. Dear Readers, I ll ask one question of you 5 8 Nothing to Say. Don t you think it may possibly chance to be true, That Charity, really, not merely in fa bles, May apparel herself in satins and sables, And costliest ribbons, and fragilest laces, Like the daintiest beauties of Madi son Square, And may take up a home in the loftiest places, With those who ve, satirically, No thing to Wear? Nothing to Say. 59 And in that blissful realm above, Where the poor and the rich meet in meekness and love : Where the works of each heart are un veiled to the light, And Humbug and Cant yield to Truth and to Right Where the trickster lays off his mask of deceit, And the cloak of the hypocrite drops to his feet, And Honor is given, where Honor is due We may see that some from the Fifth Avenue, 60 Nothing to Say. Most nobly will speak in that great reckoning day, While their earthly detractors have Jo - J U.CSB LIBRARY