NIA THE LIFE AND REMAINS OF THEODORE EDWARD HOOK. BY THE REV. R. H. DALTON BARHAM, B.A., AUTHOR OF "THE LIFE OF THOMAS ISJGOLDSBY." A NEW AND REVISED EDITION. LONDON : RICHARD BENTLEY AND SON, publishers in (Driimirtj to ^jcr (f&ajestjj 1877. (All Right* Bttervtd.) PREFACE. A JEW years before his death, Mr. Theodore Hook placed a selection from his contributions to the " John Bull" newspaper in the hands of Mr. Bentley for publi- cation ; some way was made with the work, which was to have been called " Bull's Mouth," and part was actually printed off; circumstances, however, intervened which led to the postponement of the plan, and it was not resumed till about eighteen months ago, when Mr. Bentley first proposed that I should undertake the editing the volumes in question, and should prefix to them a short Memoir referring mainly to Mr. Hook's literary career. To this, after some hesitation, and after learning that no more complete account of his life was contemplated by the family, I acceded. As I advanced with my task, I found the materials already in my possession to be more abundant than I had anticipated ; but it was mainly owing to friends who were obliging enough to supply me, from time to time, with much additional matter and it is remarkable how very few ever spent an evening, though it were but one, in the society of Theodore Hook without carrying away something to be remembered that I have been enabled to effect an extension of the original design. "Without wishing to deprecate just criticism, I am in- a 2 IV PBEFACZ. dined to hope that some excuse will be found in these circumstances for the want of order and connection ob- servable in the following pages. As regards the contents of the second section, it is generally admitted that political pasquinades are parts, though humble ones, of political history ; and the infor- mation they supply, not to be found elsewhere, on many minute, but not unimportant points of political action, seems to warrant their re-publication in a collective form. I have, therefore, without presuming to interfere with Mr. Hook's general arrangement,* only ventured to dis- card such articles and portions of articles as appeared merely personal or obsolete ; and if those that have been retained appear once to have borne a sting somewhat of the sharpest, their venom must long since have evapo- rated, and they may be presented now to borrow an illustration of Mr. Moore's harmless as dried snakes. It remains to record my sincere gratitude for the assis- tance with which I have been so liberally supplied. To Mr. Dubois, who has forwarded many ofthe most inte- resting details of his friend's early history, my thanks are first and especially due ; the most agreeable recol- lections of what has proved to me a very agreeable occu- pation are associated with the correspondence to which the kindness of that gentleman invited. To Mr. Shackell I am deeply indebted for much valu- able information respecting the literary undertakings in which Mr. Hook was engaged, and for the courtesy with which he has placed private letters, &c., at my disposal. To Mr. Eobert Hook, also, I have to offer my acknow- * Mr. Hook's MS. index having been left incomplete, it is possible a few (poetical) articles from the later volumes of J. U. may been inserted, for which he is not responsible. PREFACE. V ledgments for the service lie has rendered in correcting some important errors connected with his family history ; that hia assistance has not been made more largely avail- able, and extended to other portions of the work, is to be attributed wholly to my backwardness in applying for it ; an omission for which, I am well aware, I am answer- able both to him and to the public, but which originated in an unwillingness to intrude a work, of the slight and restricted character originally contemplated, upon his notice. Mrs. Woodforde, of Taunton, will, perhaps, pardon this public mention of her name; as it was not spe- cially prohibited, I cannot refrain from tendering her thanks on the part of myself and my younger readers for the interesting particulars communicated respecting " the peerless Edward." I have but to add, that many anecdotes, in which the abundance of detail and circumstance might give rise to a doubt as to their genuineness, are told as nearly as my memory has enabled it to be done, in Mr. Hook's own words, from whom I myself heard them ; or have been taken from notes made but a few hours after their re- lation. E. II. DALTON BABIIAM. LOLWORTII, November 1C, 1848. NOTE. It has happened that two or three impressions of the following work have been necessarily permitted to go forth without revision. In the present edition, however, such is not altogether the case ; a few inaccuracies havo a 3 VI PBEFACE. been corrected, and some additional particulars inserted; while from the collection of "Bemains" about half-a- dozen articles have been withdrawn, because they either appeared deficient in interest, or have been ascertained to be not the genuine production of Mr. Hook's pen. CONTENTS. CHAPTEE I. PAGE Birth of Mr. Theodore E. Hook. Anecdotes of his Father. Mr. James Hook : His Tilt with Canning. Epigrams. The Beggar-woman and Dean Vincent. Theodore's School Days. Death of his Mother. Hook's first appearance as an Author. "The Soldier's Return." Tricks "behind the Scenes." Listen and Mr. B . Song in the "Finger Post." The "Invisible GirL" The "Fortress." "Music Mad," &c. " Killing no Murder :" Its curious Preface - 1 CHAPTEE H. Private Theatricals. " Ass-ass-ination." Suett's Funeral Mr. Hook's first Appearance upon any Stage. His extraordi- nary Stage-fright. His D&but as an Improvisatore. Imita- tions. Introduction to Sheridan and his Son Letter from an Actor ..-20 CHAPTEE III. Practical Jokes. The Museum. Mr. H and the Qolden Eagle The Uninvited Guest. "Le Gastronome sans Ar- gent." Turnpikes. Tour in Wales. Mr. Thomas HilL " The Haunch of Venison." Sir P. D e's Larder. Croy- don Fair. The Hackney Coach. The Berners-street Hoax - 31 CHAPTEE IV. Mr. Hook's first Novel. Matriculation at Oxford. Scene with the Proctor. "The Cockney University." George Colman and the "Roman History." Anecdote. Death of Mrs. Wall Introduction to High Life. Rev. Edward Cannon. Anec- dotes of him. Hook s power of Memory. The Precession of the Equinoxes. Fable of the Two Dogs. Letter from Cannon. " The Dean," Impromptu ..... 5^ Vlll CONTENTS. CHAPTER V. MM Love Matters. Adventures at Sunbury. The Rivals. " The Flower-pot." Visits to Taunton. Mr. Hook's engagement with Miss . "Lanes from the Heart." Epigram. The Match broken off 77 CHAPTER VI. Mr. Hook appointed Treasurer at the Mauritius. His Dislike to Dancing. Paper on the Subject Duel with General Thornton. " Lionizing" Port Louis. Colonial Delicacies. A Public Dinner. Epigram. Departure of Governor Farquhar, and ita Consequences to Mr. Hook 88 CHAPTER VII. The Mauritius. Transfer of the Government to General HalL Committee appointed to Examine into the State of the Public Chest. Allan's Accusation of Mr. Hook. A second Committee Appointed. Discovery of a. large Deficit. Mr. Hook's Arrest. His Voyage to England. Favourable Opinion of the Attorney-General. Mr. Hook arrested as a Debtor to the Crown. His Appeal to Lord Liverpool Final Decision of the Audit Board Analysis of the Charges. Mr. Hook's Defence 101 CHAPTER VIII. Mr. Hook's Residence at Somers-Town. Extraordinary In- stance of Improvisation. Tom Hill's Song. Anecdotes. Mr. Hook's Arrest under a Writ of Extent His Confine- ment in Shire-lane. Removes to Lodgings "within the Rules." His Discharge from Custody in 1825. Takes a House at Putney." Tentamen." " The Arcadian."" Ex- change no Robbery" ........ 122 CHAPTER IX. The Origin and Object of the "John BulL" The real Pro- jectors. The Day of Publication. Unexpected Demand. " Hunting the Hare." " The Prophecy." Curious Circum- stance connected with the Publication of an alleged Libel against Lady . Prosecutions. Messrs. Weaver, Shackell, and others summoned to the Bar of the House of Commons. Fine and Imprisonment. Mr. Hook's Disclaimer -133 CONTENTS. IX CHAPTER X. MM " Joii u null" continued. " Mrs. Muggins's Visit to the Queen." The Queen's Coronation Circular. Lady Jersey and " John BulL" Dr. Maginn. Literary Speculations. The Bellman's Verses. Mr. James Smith's Disclaimer. Epigram. Anec- dote. Attacks on Hon. H. Grey Bennett and Mr. Hume. Causes of the Decline of " Bull" - . - - - 154 CIIAPTEE XI. * Sayings and Doings." Second and Third Series. Offence taken by Mr. Mathews at the " Fugglestones." " Gervase Skinner." "Martha, the Gipsy." Ghost Story. Anecdotes. " The Christmas Box." Punning. Bon-Mota - - - 167 CHAPTER XII. " MaxwelL" A Prolonged Sitting. Mr. Stephen Price. Trifling with an Appetite. Anecdote. " Love and Pride." Mr. Hook undertakes the Editorship of the " New Monthly Magazine." " Gilbert Gurney." Anecdotes. The great Mr. S . Story of Tom Sheridan. The Original of " Mr. Wells." " Gurney Married." " Jack Brag." Anecdotes. Proposed "History of Hanover." 41 Life of Charles Mathews" 184 CHAPTER XIII. Mr. Hook removes to Cleveland Row. His losses and em- barrassments. His return to Fashionable Life. Hook at Drayton Manor. Anecdotes. Mr. Barham's Recollections of Hook, His Retreat at Fulham. Letter - - - - 207 CHAPTER XIV. Mr. Hook's mode of Life. Its exhausting nature. Excursions on the Thames. Anecdotes. Epigram. A Richmond Party. The Nobleman's Butler. Disputes with the Propri- etors of "John BulL" Correspondence with Mr. ShackelL Mr. H and the Boar's Head. Letters. Remarkable Dream. The Hamburg Lottery ...... 221 CHAPTER XV. Mr. Hook's Illness. The Rival Raconteurs. His last Inter- view with Mr. Barham. His Death. Subscription for his Family. Attempted Hoax upon Mr. Hook by Southey. 4 The Devil's Walk." General Remarks. Conclusion - - 237 X CONTENTS. POLITICAL SONGS, ETC. MOT An Imitation of Bunbury's Little Grey Man - The Queen's Subscription - - 258- Catholic Emancipation -- Hoi> The Lament ...... 263 Disappointment - - - . . . 264 Irish Melodies : - - - - 265 Fly not yet ..... 266 Blessington hath a Beaming Eye - 266 While History's Muse ... - 267 The Young May Moon- - - 268 The Idle Apprentice turned Informer - - 269 Vacation Reminiscences ; or, Whig Operations up to Easter, 1822 ... -... 272 The Grand Revolution - - - - - - 273 The Court of Poyais - - 275 Weighty Assistance ; or, the Relief of Cadiz - 279- The Whig Box - - - 282 Epigram, on the Popish part of the Cabinet objecting to sit with a Clerk - - 284 The Dean ..... 284 The Glorious Revolution; or, the Hoisting of the Tri-Coloured Flag ..... Non-intervention ...... 289 The March of Power 290 New Song ....... 292 The Small-Coal Man - - - - - -295 THE KAMSBOTTOM LETTERS. Letter I. 299 Letter II. - 311 Letter III. - 313 Letter IV. ... - 316- Letter V. ... 318 Letter VI. - 321 Letter VII. - 322 Letter VIII. - - 325 Letter IX. - 328 Letter X. - 830 Letter XI. - 332 Letter XII. - 835 Letter XIII. 33& EEVIEWS. Allegorical Picture of Waterloo, and Pamphlet by Ward, Esq. 345 Theatrical Entertainments 354 The Lord Mayor's Visit to Oxford - - - 360 The Loves of the Angels - - ... 376, CONTENTS. XI MISCELLANIES. PAOl Modern Improvements --.-- 891 Domestic Literature ..... 897 National Distress - - - - - - 399 Hints for the Levee ..... 406 Letter from a Goose ...... 409 Epigram on " Prometheus Unbound" - - - 412 Specimen of a Modern Newspaper - - - 412 The Cockney's Letter - ' - - - 416 Epigram on Mr. Coke's Marriage .... 420 Lines to ...... 420 The Postponement of Graham's Balloon - - - 421 Memoirs of Lord Byron 424 Private Correspondence of Public Men - - - 427 The Inconsistencies of Cant .... 433 The Bubbles of 1825 437 Prospectus of the General Burying Company - 439 Epigram on a Mr. Milton ... . 442 Clubs ....... 443 The Cockney College - - - - - - 444 Epigram by Sam R- s, Esq. .... 446 Sam R 's Last - - - - - - 446 John Trot's Letter to John Bull .... 447 The March of Intellect - - - - - 450 The Hum-Fum Gamboogee Society ... 454 Lotteries not Abolished - - - - -461 On a Recent Contest ..... 462 Fashionable Parties ...... 465 Sunday Billa ...... 467 The Spinster's Progress ..... 472 Errors of the Press ...... 475 A day in a Reformed Parliament - -478 Modern Valour ...... 485 Club* ' 489 LIFE or THEODORE E. HOOK. CHAPTER I. Birth of Mr. Theodore E. Hook. Anecdotes of his Father. Mr. James Hook: His Tilt with Canning. Epigrams. The Beggar-woman and Dean Vincent. Theodore's School Daya Death of his Mother. Hook's first appearance as an Author. " The Soldier's Return." Tricks " behind the Scenes." Liston and Mr. B . Song in the " Finger Post." The " Invisible GirL" The "Fortress." "Music Mad," &c. "Killing no Murder :" Its curious Preface. MEIT endowed merely with conversational talents, how- ever brilliant their wit, and perfect their success, must be content, like actors, whom they in a measure resemble, with the applause of their contemporaries; they have little to hope for from posterity ; their reputation is MI nk, as it were, in a sort of life-annuity, bearing indeed n larger and more available interest than is commonly derived from' fame of a more enduring nature, but which terminates, for the most part, with their day and genera- tion. They, of all others, enjoy their good things in this life, and can well afford to leave the exclusive claims on posthumous renown to their more industrious brethren of the pen. Litera ecripta manet; but bon-mats are creatures of an hour, soon sinking into oblivion, to be born again, by a species of metempsychosis, under a dif- ferent form and another parentage. In running the eye over the genealogies of celebrated wits, how many familiar names rise to view of worthies on whose genius the pithy but provoking ob. t. p. must be B 2 LIFE or inscribed ! We are compelled to take such characters, like departed beauty, upon trust; and naturally hasten to transfer our admiration to excellences present and patent. What remains, for example, of George Selwyn to excite our interest and confirm the unanimous verdict of his associates ? a few apocryphal puns and a single epigram ! That the author of " Sayings and Doings" stands in jeopardy of passing away rapidly from the memory of man, cannot, indeed, for a moment be believed : so long as a taste for the lighter works of fiction endures, " Max- well," " Gilbert Gurney," &c., must ever take high place and precedence on our shelves; and we have no more doubt that, a century hence, the spectre of " Martha the Gipsy" will haunt the imaginations of our great-grand- children, while endeavouring to trace out, in the area of some gigantic Grand Junction Eailway Station, the site of what was once Bloomsbury Square, than that the nar- rator of the tale himself, would have readily given his last half-crown to any red-cloaked old lady who might have happened to solicit alms, after nightfall, in that neighbour- hood. His literary fame is safe. But any estimate of the powers of Theodore Hook, drawn from his writings alone, must be fatally inadequate and erroneous. As a novelist he has been not unfre- quently equalled, and occasionally surpassed, by more than one of his compeers ; and whatever the eminence to which his published works have raised him, it is as nothing compared with the position which, by virtue of his varied talents, his brilliant and unflagging wit, has been unhesitatingly conceded to him in society. But it is precisely in these its higher qualities, that his genius cannot be appreciated save by those who knew him. To attempt the portraiture of such a man, would be a hopeless task ; something, however, may be done, some few features may be caught, some of the eWa jnepoev-ra may be arrested, and sufficient examples may be collected to convey a general, though faint idea of that rich humour which, with an unparalleled prodigality, he scattered on every side. It is with this object the present compilation has been undertaken ; and, in pursuance of his plan, that of placing before his readers, at one view, the scattered THEODORE HOOK. 3 ana of this extraordinary individual, the Editor has not scrupled to avail himself of much that has already ap- peared in print, with which are combined the results of his own limited acquaintance with Mr. Hook, and the memoranda of one who was on terms of intimacy with him during many years. The father of the subject of our memoir, Mr. James Hook, the well-known composer, was a native of Norwich, born in the year 1746. He had been intended originally for some active employment, but evincing at an early age a decided taste for music, and having been rendered in- competent by an accident which deprived him of the use of one of his feet, for the occupation proposed, his parents were induced to procure for him such instruction in his favourite science as their means would allow ; he was accordingly placed with a gentleman named Garland, and in due time, obtained the post of organist in one of the churches of his native city. Thence proceeding to Lon- don, he was engaged in the same capacity at the cele- brated Mary-le-bone Gardens, and finally settled at Vaux- hall, where he remained an established favourite for upwards of half a century.* As a composer he is spoken of highly both by Dr. Burney and Parke, though the latter, indeed, qualifies his approbation with something like a charge of plagiarism. Where is the musical author against whom this accusa- tion has not been brought ? Among his more important works may be mentioned " The Ascension," an oratorio, and a publication whicli was very favourably received, entitled " Guida di Musica ;" but the majority of his productions were of a lighter cast, songs, cavatinas, and the music of numberless operettas, melodramas, &c., such as " Cupid's Revenge," an Arcadian pastoral, " The Lady of the Manor," " Too Civil by Half," " The Soldier's Return," &c., &c., most of which were more or less popular in their day among the frequenters of the " royal property," then in its high and palmy state, and the various theatres. He appears, indeed, to have been of a peculiarly lively * He was also, for some years, organist of St. John's church, Horsleydown, in the Borough. He is said to have composed 140 complete works, and above 2000 songs. a 4 LIFE or and joyous disposition, not averse from enjoying a joke even at his own expense. Some of the sallies attributed to him bear a strong family resemblance to the numerous progeny of his son Theodore. Walking with Mr. Parke along the Strand, they encountered a great rarity in those days a perfectly clean and well-appointed hackney- coach, its number being " 1." Mr. Parke remarked the circumstance, and said the vehicle really looked as good as new. " There is nothing extraordinary in that," replied hid companion, " everybody, you know, takes care of number one. ' Mr. Hook was married twice ; by his first wife (Misa Madden), a lady not only well connected, but distinguished for her beauty and accomplishments,* and esteemed for her many virtues, he had two sons James, and the subject of the present memoir, his brother's junior by seventeen years. The elder was sent to "Westminster School, where his wit and vivacity brought him into collision, and sus- tained him in the contest too, with that "jocular Samp- son," as Peter Plymley calls him, the future champion of the Anti- Jacobin, George Canning, then a student at Eton. The provocation given was a caricature, in which three Westminster boys appeared placed in a pair of scales, and outweighing an equal number of Etonians ; this elicited from Canning the following epigram, printed in " The Trifler," an Etonian periodical, to which he and Frere were the chief contributors : " What mean ye by this print so rare, Ye wits of Eton jealous, But that we soar aloft in air, While ye are heavy fellows V Hook immediately replied through the " Microcosm," the Westminster organ, in these lines : " Cease ye Etonians ! and no more With rival wits contend, Feathers, we know, will float in air, And bubbles will ascend." She was the author of, at least, one theatrical piece, "The Double Disguise," played with success at Drury Lane, in 1784, her husband providing the music* THEODORE HOOK. 5 In 1791, Mr. James Hook entered at St. Mary's Hall, Oxford, where he graduated and took holy orders, having previously declined an advantageous appointment in India. His progress in the church was rapid and suc- cessful. In 1797, he was presented with the Rectory of Laddington, in Leicestershire ; soon after this, having attracted considerable notice by his political writings, which were of a strong Tory bias, he formed an acquaint- ance with Mr. Pitt, who always entertained a great regard for him, and who, as Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, presented him, about 1804, with the livings of Hertingfordbury, and St. Andrew's, Hertford, in the gift of the Crown, which were afterwards exchanged for that of "VVhippingham, in the Isle of Wight. In 1802, he was appointed chaplain to the Prince of Wales, of whom he bcc-aine a personal friend; the latter, to the time of his death, both as Prince Regent and King, never forgot the wit and charm of character which had first recommended Mr. Hook to his notice, and, on all occasions, treated him with marked kindness. In 1807, he obtained a prebendal stall in Winchester cathedral ; and finally, in 1825, Lord Liverpool, by command of His Majesty George IV., gave Him the deanery of Worcester. One of his earliest essays in authorship was a pam- phlet of considerable merit, entitled " Publicola," in which, under the circumstances of an imaginary revo- lution, the doctrines of Paine, Home Tooke, Godwin, Thelwall, and others of that enlightened and radical fra- ternity, were treated with exquisite satire. Among his remaining productions the names, perhaps, of " Al Kalo- meric,* an Arabian Tale," depicting the growing spirit of French Republicanism, and the " Good Old Times ; or, The Poor Man's History of England," a periodical series which was extremely popular, together with the "Anguis in Herba," may yet survive. As a political writer, Dean Hook enjoyed a high reputation, second indeed to none of his time ; and one which was by no means diminished by the publication of a couple of novels, named respectively " Pen Owen," and " Percy Mallory." In the former of these, which abounds with that sort of knowledge only to be obtained by an intimate acquaint- i. e. KaXoc ptpoc, Bonaparte. LIFE OF ance with the world in its best circles, will be found, under the character of Tom Sparkle, an admirable sketch of his friend, the amiable and witty Tom Sheridan, son of Richard Brinsley. Upon the basis of these entertaining volumes, the unclaimed offspring of his leisure hours, the Dean's literary fame, as has been the case with greater men, is like to rest : his polemics have long since become alto- gether obsolete. As a young man, although never moving in theatrical circles, he exhibited indications of the family taste for the drama, and in 1795, on the occasion of the royal nuptials, he furnished the libretto to an operetta, " Jack of New- bury," which was produced at Drury Lane, under the auspices of his father, who wrote the music. Two years afterwards, " Diamond cut Diamond," a musical enter- tainment, was brought out at Covent Garden, for the benefit of Mrs. Mountain; father and son, as in the former case, taking their respective shares in the com- position. In 1797, he married Anne, second daughter of Sir Walter Farquhar, Bart., a lady distinguished for her talents, and, better still, for her iiigh principles and well- regulated feelings. He died in 1827. In disposition, talents, and accomplishments, he very nearly resembled his younger brother ; and, perhaps the pursuits and habits of their youth were not altogether of a dissimilar turn. "While at Westminster School, for instance, he is said to have dressed himself as an old beggar-woman, and in that character to have succeeded in drawing from the charity of Dean Vincent no less a sum than half-a-crown. The latter's horror may be imagined, when he subsequently saw three of the boys, Harley, the late Lord Oxford ; Carey, afterwards Bishop Carey; and another school-fellow, busily employed in treating the supposed elderly lady to an extempore shower-bath under the pump. But James was blessed with advantages which never fell to the lot of Theodore ; in his case the inebriety of wit had been sobered by a regular education, and the exuberance of animal spirits restrained by the ties of his sacred calling, strengthened by an early and a happy mar- THEODOEE HOOK. 7 riagc. But it was, doubtless, mainly owing to his excellent mother's watchful care, that he was enabled thus to pass in safety those perils in the outset of life upon which genius so often suffers shipwreck. Who that knew him does not lament that such a ooonwas denied to Theodore?* Theodore Edward Hook was born September 22nd, 1788, in Charlotte Street, Bedford Square. Tke first school to which he was sent was an academy in the neigh- bourhood of Vauxhall, kept by a Mr. Allen, who had also under his charge the present Chief Baron, together with some others who have since risen to eminence. Hook is described by an old school-fellow as being at this time about nine or ten years of age, a dull little boy, and affording no promise of" future distinction ; a statement certainly at variance with others of a date but little later. From Mr. Allen's he proceeded to a sort of " seminary for young gentlemen," a green-doored, brass-plated "esta- blishment" in Soho Square. Here, by his own confes- sion, he used regularly to play truant, passing his spare time in strolling about the streets, and devising plausible excuses to satisfy the unsuspecting pedagogue. On the day, however, of the illumination for the peace of Amiens, he preferred spending the morning at home, and accord- ingly assured his parents that a whole holiday had been given in accordance with the general rejoicings. Un- luckily for his scheme, his brother happened to pass through the square, and on observing evident signs of business going on as usual at the academy, he went in, made inquiries, and discovered that the young scape-grace had not made an appearance there for three weeks. Of course, instead of being permitted to see the fireworks, Ac., Master Theodore was properly punished, and locked up for the remainder of the afternoon in the garret. He was next sent off to a Doctor Curtis's, at Linton in Cambridgeshire, where, at the age of thirteen or fourteen, * In his novel, " Gilbert Gurney," in which so many of hia own early adventures are detailed, and personal feelinga pourtrayed, and which, in his diary, he always speaks of as " my life," Theodore makes hia hero's brother, who, by the way, is just seventeen years his senior, write to him as follows : " When I was young, I had a disposition for every sort of gaiety, and a turn of mind for satire and caricature ; and if I had been left (do not be angry with me for the expression) kicking up and down about London, a lounger ia 8 LIFE OF he put together his first dramatic sketch, of which neither the name nor fate has reached us, but which he, doubt- less, contrived to turn to account on some subsequent occasion. There, at all events, if nothing else, he picked up, in one of his school-fellows, a hero for his last novel, " Peregrine Bunce," a proof of his early habit of obser- vation and appreciation of character. On the doctor removing to Sunbury, his pupil accompanied him, but was soon after, at the request of the latter, removed and transferred to Harrow, too late, however, as he himself averred, to make much progress there. A more probable reason for his non-success may be found in the confes- sions of " Gilbert Gurney ;" he says there, with evident reference to himself: " My school-life was not a happy one. I was idle and careless of my tasks. I had no aptitude for learning languages. I hated Greek, and absolutely shuddered at Hebrew. I fancied myself a genius, and anything that could be done in a hurry and with little trouble, 1 did tolerably well, but application I had not." And who can fail to discover, even in employ- ments less distasteful to him, traces of the same haste and impatience of labour ? Dashed off at score, as his stories commonly were, volume after volume hurried with- out forethought or revision through the printer's hands, it is marvellous that they are what they are ; not to speak of minor inaccuracies, how much of exaggeration might have been softened down, repetition avoided, and interest added, had his works only received at his hands but half the attention which literary parents are in the habit of bestowing upon their progeny. His entrance at Harrow was signalized by the per- petration of a practical joke, which might have been attended with serious consequences. On the night of his arrival, he was instigated by young Byron, whose con- temporary he was,* to throw a stone at a window where the streets, an idler in society, and a dangler in the play-house green-rooms, my belief is that I should have ended my career in no very enviable position." Vol. iii. p. 109. * "Ourney," though with a little intentional inaccuracy, thus alludes to the fact : " I wa* born in the same year, and in the same month of the same year, ax Lord Byron, but eight days later, on the 30th of January, a memorable day, too. I always felt a sort of sympathetic satisfaction, as Byron advanced in age and repu- THEODORE HOOK. 9 an elderly lady, Mrs. Drury, was undressing. Hook in- stantly complied, but though the window was broken, the lady happily escaped unhurt. Whatever degree of boyish intimacy he might at this time have contracted with his- lordship, it was not sufficient to preserve him from an ill- natured and uncalled-for sneer in the " English Bards- and Scotch Reviewers," an aggression amply repaid by the severe, yet just criticisms which appeared in the " John Bull," on certain of the noble bard's effusions, and on the " Satanic school of poetry" in general. The acquaint- ance, such as it was, was broken off by Hook's premature withdrawal from Harrow, and does not appear to have been resumed. At this period an affliction befell him, not only heavy in its immediate pressure, but most calamitous in its results. His excellent mother died, and with her perished the only hope of restraining the youthful Theodore within those bounds most essential to be preserved at his age, and of maintaining him in that course of study, which, if" persevered in for a few years more, might have enabled him to reach a position not less honourable than that enjoyed by his more prosperous brother. Mrs. Hook appears, indeed, to have been one of those best of wives and women, who, by the unobtrusive and almost uncon- scious exercise of a superior judgment, effect much towards preserving the position and respectability of ti family constantly imperilled by the indiscretion of its head one who, like a sweet air wedded to indifferent words, serves to disguise and compensate for the infe- riority of her help-mate. That Theodore felt his loss deeply, is most certain ; we are informed that in his journal, mention is made of hia beloved parent frequently, and in terms of an affection pure and undimimshed to the last. No one can be in- clined to doubt the genuineness of the feeling betrayed in the following lines, supposed to be uttered by one of his heroes, and penned lour-and-thirty years after the event to which they evidently allude : " Tears, years tation, in the recollection that though with inherent respect for his rank and talents, I could not possibly take the liberty of coining Into the world before him I began my life BO nearly about the ame period.' 10 LIFE or have rolled on, and yet that hour is still vividly fresh in my mind the smell of the soldered coffin is still in my nostrils the falling earth upon its lid still rings in my ears." A man less fitted than his father, to have the superin- tendence of a lad of Theodore's precocious and peculiar talents can scarcely be imagined. Easy in disposition, and addicted to the pleasures of society, in which his son was even now capable of distinguishing himself, he seems to have received him at once on a footing of equality, incompatible with the exercise of anything like parental -authority. But, abilities to amuse and astonish his father's friends, formed by no means the sum total of the lively Theo- dore's accomplishments; a mine of far more precious metal was quickly discovered, one capable of yielding, both to father and son, returns not only more tangible but even more gratifying than the partial applause of boon companions. The public was to be entertained, and for " good entertainment" the public is always well content to pay. The old gentleman, as we have seen, had already availed himself of the literary assistance both of his wife and his son James, who, on more occasions than one, had supplied the vehicle for his musical compo- sitions ; death, however, had robbed him of the one, and the more important duties of his profession claimed the attention of the other. A ready substitute started up in the person of Theodore. A couple of songs, one of a grave, one of a gay turn, written, composed, and sung by the youthful aspirant, seem first to have suggested the idea which was immediately adopted, of employing him in the construction of a comic opera for the stage. His first effort was, "The Soldier's Keturn ; or, "What CMU Beauty do," in two acts, performed at Drury Lane in 1805. " The Overture and Music entirely new, com- posed by Mr. Hook." Inartificial as was the plot, and extravagant the incidents, such, for example, as the escape of the Eight Honourable Mr. Racket, by ascend- ing a chimney, and crawling over the roof of a summer- house, yet the whimsicalities of an Irishman, played by Jack Johnstone, the abundance of puns, good, bud, and indifferent, borrowed and original, the real fun and THEODORE HOOK. 11 bustle of the piece, carried it along triumphantly : and at the close placed the author in the proud position of a successful dramatist tetat. 16! The following is a .specimen of the poetry: " I've often seen a new made pair The swain all raptures, sighs, and love ; Yet soon the wife droop 'd in despair, For beauty tempts, and youth will rove. Talk not of hearts, Of flames and darts, Soon flatt'ry turns to snarling ; To pass my life - ~ . A happy wife, Make me au old man's darling. Fal, lal, tal, lal, lal, the following line : * Quanto Delphinb balacna Britannica major." JUT. Sat. THEODOHE HOOK. 23 he had sung so well in the morning), were audible to anybody except myself." Supported as they were, these performances assumed a very different character from the general run of those dullest of all dull exhibitions of vanity, private theatri- cals : not to speak of Mr. and Mrs. Mathews, Hook himself, who soon recovered his nerve, possessed a degree of talent which would have secured him a place, probably, not far inferior to that occupied by his versatile friend, had he thought fit to enlist among the " regulars." Superior to the latter in musical attainments, he was inferior to him alone in those extraordinary powers of personation, by virtue of which, the mind as well as manner, the tone of thought, flow of idea, and habit of expression of the individual to be represented, were faithfully exhibited, an achievement far beyond the reach of the mere mimic. Captain Caulfeild (of whom, by the way, Stephen Price used to say, " He is the only amateur performer I ever saw to whom I would have offered a salary : I would have given him, sir, five-and-thirty shillings a- week,") was another proficient in this art, and Mathews used to narrate an amusing instance of his imitation of the well-known " Dicky" Suett, which was, he said, far more exact than his own. They had both, then very young men, been invited to attend the funeral of the "poor player," and were placed in the same coach with Jack Bannister and Palmer. The latter sat, wrapped up in angry and indignant silence at the tricks which the two younger mourners (who, by the way, had known but little of Suett) were playing; but Bannister, though much affected, nevertheless could not refrain from occasionally laughing, in the midst of his grief, while the tears were actually running from his eyes. At length, on the procession reaching Fleet Street, on its way to St. Paul's Churchyard, where Suett lies buried, Mr. Whittle, commonly called " Jemmy Whittle," of the firm of Laurie and \V"hittle, stationers, came to the door of his shop to see the remains of his old friend pass to their place of rest. An obstruction in the road at this moment caused a short delay, when Caulfeild called out m the exact voice and manner of the dead man : 24 LIFE OP " Aha ! Jemmy ; oh law ! how do ? oh dear ! going to be buried ! oh law ! oh lauk ! oh dear !" The astounded stationer rushed back to his house, shocked, surprised, and possibly not a little alarmed at the sound of the familiar tones. It was a little singular, that at the conclusion of the ceremony, as the benedic- tion fell from the lips of the clergyman, a grinning urchin, perched on a tombstone close by the iron rails, began vigorously to clap his hands. So practical a com- pliance with the "plaudite" at the actor's grave, struck the whole company ; the boy, however, on being ques- tioned and taken to task for his irreverence, blubbered out : " La, sir, there was only them two dogs outside as wanted to fight, and was afeard to begin, so I just did it to set 'em on like." The coincidence was a very pretty one as it stood it was a pity to disturb it ! But even at this early period, Theodore Hook, and at the time of which we write, he was yet in his twentieth year, gave evidence of the possession of a talent compared with which, mimicry in its perfection, available enough as an auxiliary, sinks into insignificance that of the im- provisatore. Men of mark are found bearing testimony to the inspirations of his genius ; marvellous at the early age referred to, but far surpassed by his later perform- ances. Coleridge, for example, at the termination of a somewhat prolonged revel held at the cottage of Mr. Mansel Reynolds, is said to have proclaimed, in his declamatory manner, that he had never met a man who could bring such various and amazing resources of mind to bear on the mere whim or folly of the moment, while the poet Campbell spoke of him as " a wonderful creature," who sang extempore songs, " not to my admi- ration, but to my astonishment." Those who have been in the habit of attending public meetings, or who have listened to the harangues, so glibly " done into English" by next morning, of the orators of St. Stephens, cannot fail to have remarked how rarely even respectable prose is delivered where opportunity for preparation has been wanting. But in the art, if art it may be called, of pouring forth extemporaneous poetry, music and words, rhyme and reason all impromptu, Hook stood alone rival he had none ; of course he had his imitators : THEODORE HOOK. 25 M The charming extempore verses of Twiss's," for example, will not readily be forgotten; another gentleman, also, found reason to remember his attempt at rivalry. Ambitious of distinction, he took an oppor- tunity of striking off into verse immediately after one of Hook s happiest efforts. Theodore's bright eye flashed, and fixed on the intruder, who soon began to flounder in the meshes of his stanza, when he was put out of his misery at once by the following couplet from the master, given, however, with a good-humoured smile that robbed it of all offence : " I see, sir, I see, sir, what 'tis that you're hatching ; But mocking, you see, sir, is not always catching." There can be no doubt as to the perfect genuineness of these marvellous efforts of the human intellect ; the word was given and the " numbers came," gushing fresh and sparkling from the fount. His companions at the table, and the observations that had fallen from them, afforded not unfrequently matter for his good-natured muse. But as often a subject impossible in any way to have been anticipated, was proposed by one of the com- pany, generally the most incredulous, and with scarce a moment's consideration, he would place himself at the piano-forte, run over the keys, and break forth into a medley of merriment of which, unhappily, no idea can be conveyed, for the benefit and conversion of the sceptic. The names of those present were frequently woven into the rhyme, or made to supply points to the verse. He is said once to have encountered a pair of most unmanage- able patronymics, those of Sir Moses Ximenes, and Mr. Bosenagen, a young Dane ; the line antiphonetic to the former has escaped us ; the latter, reserved till near the conclusion, was thus played upon : " Yet more of my Muse is required, Alas ! I fear she is done ; But no ! like a fiddler that's tired, I'll Rosen-agen, and go on." One instance has been recorded remarkable not only for the readiness and tact with which he interwove any 26 LIFE OF passing incident, but for the extreme gracefulness of the comparison thus suggested. It was at a country man- sion; Hook was in high spirits when was he not to outward seeming ! The Falernian had been of the right vintage, and the draughts neither too frequent nor too few. The evening passed delighfully away still puns and pleasantries unexhausted, inexhaustible, kept the table in a roar. It was too early to separate Theodore had never been so happy ; already had he sung several songs in his best style, and given more than one success- ful specimen of his improvising. A little something, known to ordinary mortals as supper ; to those in a yet humbler sphere as " the tray," made its appearance the "mahogany mixture" deepened in its tint as the night wore on ; the morning broke and " Ne'er found such beaming eyes awake, As those that sparkled there." One last song was solicited such eyes and such lips were not to be refused ; Hook, fresh as ever, at once responded to the call, taking as his subject, and pointing every stanza, with the words " Good Night." Suddenly in the midst of the mirth, some one threw open a shutter close by the end of the piano-forte ; the sun was rising, and forced its early light into the apartment. On the instant the singer paused : a boy, with his wondering eyes fixed upon him (and there were few auditors he loved better), stood by his side. Like old Timotheus ho " changed his hand," and turning from the fair dames, the boy's mother among them, clustered round, in a voice of deep pathos apostrophized the child, and thus con- cluded : " But the sun see the heavens adorning, Diffusing life, pleasure, and light ! To thee, 'tis the promise of morning, To us 'tis the closing ' Good night !' " " The effect of this momentary impulse," observes one who was present, " is indescribable ; it was indeed a touching moral wherewith to conclude one of those joyous days, of which he was the centre and soul." The first public display of this extraordinary faculty TIIEODOBE HOOK. 27 was made, we believe, on the occasion of a dinner given by the actors of Drury Lane Theatre, to commemorate the success of their manager, Sheridan, in the West- minster election. So rare a talent naturally excited the admiration of a brother genius ; he honoured the young debutant with especial notice, made him known to his son, and gave encouragement to an intimacy which led to the introduction of Hook to a circle of society far higher than any in which he had hitherto moved, enabled him to make his way among the arbiters of fashion and disposers of patronage, and proved eventually the not remote source of all his fortunes, or rather, for so, alas ! it turned out, of all his misfortunes. There appear to be two mental maladies which, like small-pox and the measles, seem inherent in our nature, and usually to be developed during the season of youth the stage and the military mania. Or perhaps, they may be but different modifications of one and the same disease, a plethoric vanity which must have vent ; most certainly a morbid appetite for "new scenery, dresses, and decorations," may be fairly ranked among symptoms common to both. The former, perhaps, has a little gone out of late since the mysteries of the " Green-room," like all other mysteries in these days, have been so rudely unveiled, and the technicalities, formerly of such awful interest in the mouth of the adept, have become vul- garized by constant publication. We need not pursue the subject, nor stop to inquire which " eruption" is the more perilous of the two. Hook, as we have seen, if he escaped the one, M as constitutionally predisposed to the other, and this circumstance, added to the fact of most of his early associates, his father among the rest, being attache's of the theatre, being taken into consideration, it is no wonder that the fit, in his case, was long and violent ; and but for the interposition of the friendly Machaon alluded to, it might have had a very different termination. The new field, however, opened to him, offered more alluring objects for his ambition ; and instead of remain- ing the pet of popular singers, and the delicice of pretty actresses, he was smiled upon by "ladies of quality, "28 LIFE OP applauded by great men and grave, and listened to with admiration even by royalty itself. The revulsion of feeling which he manifested in after life, and the distaste to, not to say aversion from, every- thing connected with his former pursuits, and which smelt of the (stage) lamp, made repeatedly visible in his novels, &c., are remarkable, and hardly, perhaps, con- sistent with the great regard which he continued to entertain for many estimable members of the theatrical profession. A more faithful, and spite of its ludicrous touches, a more painful picture of the miseries and mor- tifications incident to the vocation in question, can scarcely be found than in the following letter of advice, given by him in the " John Bull " many years after his own con- nection with the drama had ceased, and he had become " convinced," to use his own words, " of the total indif- ference with which plays, play-writers, players, and play- houses are considered, if ever thought of in good society." "Mr DEAB GEOEGE, I have received your kind favour and the pheasants, ' for which relief much thanks.' Mary and I are really obliged, and I have great pleasure in saying that the children, considering the delicacy of their constitutions, are, for the most part, pretty well. " In answer to your questions about my professional -success, I ought, I believe, in candour to say it has been most decided, and I am growing every day more popular with the public; but bitterly indeed do I lament having quitted the trade to which my poor father apprenticed me, for although I am quite at the top of the tree, I am the most unhappy creature in the whole world. " I used vainly to imagine that the business of an actor was all play, but I have found to my cost that no trade, no profession upon earth is so perpetually laborious to mind and body laborious, too, at times and seasons when other people are partaking of the amusements and enjoyments of social and domestic life. At ten o'clock I go to rehearsal study and arrange the nonsense which the manager chooses to accept from the wretched play- writers (who are all either in jail, or expecting to be sent there every day of their miserable lives) liable to 'be fined forty pounds for refusing to perform a part T1IEODOBE HOOK. 29 1 which I know does not suit me, and in which no human being, eicept the author, can see the slightest merit : there I remain the whole morning, groping about behind the scenes, in the dark, smoky atmosphere of the play- house, or listening, in the green-room, to calumnies and silly stories of our ' brethren of the sock and buskin,' till perhaps three ; I then mount to the wardrobe, where, in council with the tailor and the barber, I stay and discuss with perfect gravity and the most serious interest, the- relative merits of different coats, waistcoats, and wigs, with a view to ascertain which combination of grotesque habits will best answer the purpose of making me per- sonally ridiculous, and produce the greatest portion of laughter at my expense in the one-shilling gallery. In this pursuit, anxious to hear how my two or three sick children are (for in a London family of eight, the average rate is three down), I am delayed till near four. On reaching the stage-door, I find it pouring with rain, mixed with snow having come out in thin shoes, and without an umbrella, I paddle up Drury Lane or Belton. Street to my lodgings, where my wife has prepared everything to make me comfortable ; and at five o'clock I sit down to my dinner, tire blazing, dishes smoking, and all extremely nice and snug. At a little after six, just as I am getting quite warm, and feel very happy and rather heavy for sleep, I am warned by my dear Mary " that it is time to go." Up I get, squeeze on my great coat, take my umbrella, find the streets ankle-deep in snow, atmosphere yellow and choking, mixed with more mizzling rain, too- small and too light to be warded off slip along the worst streets in London back to the play-house, having in the the way down, in consequence of quitting my warm fire- side, contracted a violent tooth-ache, to which I am very subject. " The pain in my face increases during the time I am dressing the barber arrives to 'do up my own hair' into a droll shape, it having been decided that it will produce a more ridiculous effect than a wig ; the call-boy comes to hurry one, and I proceed to smear my chin and fore- head with whitening, make crows' feet and eyebrows with a bit of burnt cork, and rub the end of my nose with a hare's foot covered with red ochre ; during this 30 LIFE OP operation a ' gentleman wishes to see me ;* he is admitted, and brings the agreeable intelligence, that a friend who had given me his acceptance for seventy pounds, has dis- honoured the bill, which is returned to me, and must be settled by ten o'clock the following morning. At this juncture, a pretty little draggle-tailed maid -servant, whom I keep, and whose visits to the coulisses are specially interdicted by me, because I wish to have no- body's sins to answer for but my own, arrives to ask for the key of a cupboard (which I have brought away by mistake), to get something out for poor little Caroline, who has had a sudden accession of fever, and is con- sidered bv Mr. Kilpin, the apothecary, in imminent danger. I give her the key, and hear her romping with the half-drunken manager in the dark passage. Irritated, but too much pressed for time to be angry, I squeeze on the shoes which I thought would ' be very effective ;' in my haste I run the tongue of one of the buckles under the nail of my finger, and when the shoes are on, find the <;orn on the little toe of my left foot so pinched, that nothing but the impossibility of getting any others would induce me to wear them. While stamping on the floor in hopes of making matters easier, I perceive the coat and waistcoat which I have selected to wear, giving the most unequivocal proof of dampness by smoking furiously as they hang airing on the back of a chair before the fire. " Besides this, it should be observed that I dress in the same apartment with a man whose aversion I am, and whose name is ipecacuanha to me ; he is pompous, and does tragedy has the best place in the room, and- all the fire to himself ; feeds the newspaper's critics, who always praise him ; one of whom, who invariably abuses me, is his constant companion when we are dressing. " At length, however, I get to the green-room, drink half a glass of muddy soft water from the tumbler, and of which every lady and gentleman of the company has drunk before, and will drink after me ; and being ulti- mately summoned to the stage, I find the music sounding too well, the house empty of people and full of fog my tooth aching as if it would split my head I feel the damp waistcoat sticking to my back my eyes being hot THEODORE HOOK. 31 iind my nose cold, the shoe on my corny foot having shrunk with the heat of the float (that is quite technical, my dear cousin) > cutting and pinching me more dread- fully than the parchment boot of the Holy Inquisition could do. Here I have to act a scene with a cheap actor from the country, instead of Listen, or Terry, or Dowton, or any good hand to whose playing I am accustomed, and tney to mine ; a stick who knows nothing of the point, and very little of the part ; and then arrive at the period where I have to sing a comic song, with speaking and pattering imitations of sundry men and other animals between the verses ; during the protracted symphony to this, I keep my tongue to my tooth in order to lull the pain, rest my corny foot upon my sound one, and think of nothing but my poor fevered child at home and the protested bill at the bankers', putting my hand in- stinctively into my pocket, I find that I have left the little bit of reed with which I imitate Punch and the ducks (the great hits of my song) in the waistcoat I have just taken off. I sing the song, of course without the ducks and Punch, but make up for the omission by dancing very funnily, forgetting at the outset the tight shoes and corns, and being unable, when I have once begun, to leave off. The pain I feel makes me twist and wriggle more than ordinary ; the consequence is, that I am encored by some few boys in the gallery, who have paid sixpence a-piece for their privilege the decent part of the audience dissent from the repetition, and I stand bowing humbly to the ' liberal and enlightened public,' a set of senseless brutes, whose tastes 1 despise, and for whose intellect I have most unqualified contempt. " In the midst of my obsequiousness, one monster among the gods, more hardened than the rest, flings an apple at my head, which takes effect exactly on my throb- bing tooth; shouts of 'turn him out' resound, and the cry of ' go on' increasing, I repeat all my little playful- ness in detail (which are rendered wholly unintelhgble by the clapping of the ayes, and the vigorous hissings of the noes), and hop about upon my pinched foot with the most laudable activity. "All this over, 1 go towards my dressing-room to avoid witnessing the degradation of the ladies of tho 82 LIFE OF profession, who, by the convenient connivance of the conductors of our theatrical establishments, are at pre- sent subjected to the open advances of every man who thinks himself entitled, by his wealth or rank, to knock down the barriers which separate virtue from vice, and decency from profligacy, and chooses to attend the green- room to carry on a system which, in the days of Harris, Colman, and Kemble, was confined to the lobbies, or to houses of a different description altogether. In the passage towards my retreat, I encounter the manager, smelling of vulgar potations, rather more drunk and in- finitely more important than he was in the earlier part of the evening; he tells me I must study Falkland, in 'The Rivals,' for the next night (Acres being my forte) he then introduces me to an author who has an equestrian melo-drama to be read the following morning. I cannot conceive what makes them both so civil, till at last I dis- cover that they want me to act, in their new piece, the part of a sorcerer, in a black horse-hair wig, with gilded horns, and to be carried to the flies on the back of a fiery dragon, at the risk of my neck and reputation. I sus- pend my answer to their request, and the night wears on. At length the play and farce end ; heated and tired, I take off my second dress, and put on my own damp clothes. I smear my face all over with grease and pomatum to get the paint out of the pores, and rub my hair out of curl. I find my boots (wet when I came) have shrunk so much by standing before the fire, that I can by no exertion get my heels home in them, and am obliged to walk to my lodgings with a hard, stiff wrinkle under each foot. My toothache much worse than before, I hurry through the hall, and see a rehearsal of ' The Rivals' called for ten o'clock the next morning, and the new melo-drama at one; begin my walk homewards through the mud, recur to the protested note and my sick infant, paddle up the same wretched streets that I had before paddled down ; get hustled by three tall women of the town, who, after pulling me about to my great discomfiture, leave me \\ith a shout when they discover, by the light of a great gas lamp, that after all it is only funny the actor man. " When I get home the fire is out my wife, tired of THEODORE HOOK. 33 her lonely wretchedness, has gone to bed the poor child is worse, and I, saddled with ' Falkland' in my pocket to >tudy for the morning. That morrow brings the same routine, and so it goes on until Saturday, when the con- cern not being very prosperous, the treasurer cannot pay any of the salaries ; and the only intelligence I get at his office is, that my benefit is fixed for the second day of Epsom Races, when the cheesemongers and bakers, who would take my tickets, will all be attending them, and, therefore, unable to go to the play : find at the theatre a letter, offering me two sovereigns and my dinner to go to a patriotic party and be comical, at the City of London Tavern. Swear at the 'fat and greasy citizens,' who take a gentleman for a mountebank, and spend the whole of my Sunday in studying the part of Mustyfustigig, the wizard, in the infernal new melodrama of ' Blue Blazes ; or, The Intellectual Donkey,' which it will cost me the price of a felon's neck to refuse to act. " These, my dear George, are but a few of the evils by which I am assailed in the midst of my success ; and when I walk down to my nightly task, and see the ruddy- faced, healthy shopkeeper sitting quietly at his tea, by his cheerful fireside, with his family round him, and recollect that he can weigh butter without leaving his home, painting his face, or being subject to the insolence of a sottish manager ; and sell cheese and hog's-lard with- out bowing for the usual indulgence of the enlightened public, or a chance of being hissed, or pelted with hard apples, penny-pieces, and pewter pots, I heave a sigh of regret that I adopted a calling which I now must prose- cute, but which is irksome in its duties, precarious in its existence, and which, above all, in my heart I cordially despise. " You have asked for an account of myself, and I give it you ; if not flattering, it is at least correct. Mary sends her best love ; and I beg you to believe me, dear George, yours truly, &c." 84 LIFE OF CHAPTER III. Practical Jokes. The Museum. Mr. H and the Qolden Eagle The Uninvited Quest. "Le Gastronome sans Argent." Turnpikes. Tour in Wales. Mr. Thomas HilL " The Haunch of Venison." Sir P. D e's Larder. Croydon Fair. The Hackney Coach. The Berners-street Hoax. AT this period, it was for his performances off the stage that the name of Theodore Hook became most notorious; for that series of practical jokes or " hoaxes," which, inexcusable as they must be considered, were so inexpressibly ludicrous in effect, as well as original in conception, and were carried out with so unparalleled a degree of impudence, as to provoke the dullest of mortals to mirth. Transferred to paper even by his own pen, they necessarily lose much of their piquancy ; but told as he, when " i' the vein," was wont to tell them, eye, tone, and gesture, all richly significant of fun, they were per- fectly irresistible ; it was not in nature tenere risum; at least, if the individual exists whose gravity could have held good under the circumstances, he may be " Fit for treasons,, stratagems, and spoils," or even for a resident fellowship at Cambridge, but for little else. He commenced, as a very young man of course, with the establishment of a museum, which boasted the most complete collection of knockers, the finest specimens of sign-painting, the most magnificent bunches of grapes, the longest barbers' poles, and the largest cocked hats that the metropolis could produce. His predatory ad- Tentures, indeed, evidently suggested to his friend, " Thomas Ingoldsby," the matter of one or two chapters of " My Cousin Nicholas," even if that worthy personage does not owe his existence altogether to some aim recol- lection of the vagaries of his great prototype. The scene at Brighton, for instance, with the abstraction of the "Jolly Bacchus," the pursuit, the little bare legs peeping out under the fugitive's arm, the hue and cry after the "Resurrectionists!" are not without foundation. A more successful achievement was the carrying off THEODORE HOOK. 35 a gigantic Highlander, for there were giants in those days, the race of snuff-taking Highlanders has sadly degenerated, from the door of a tobacconist. A dark foggy night was selected for the purpose ; the fastenings were carefully removed, a large cloak thrown over the shoulders of the gallant Gael, a southron hat placed upon his plumed brow, and the first dreamy-looking " Jarvey" that made his appearance, hailed. Open flew the door, down rattled the steps, and before the becaped and bebooted Jehu could descend from his box" My friend very respectable man, but a little tipsy," was tumbled into the hackney-coach, and the order given to drive on. Hook's confederate ki these freaks, and in some cases his rival, was a Mr. H , who subsequently becom- ing a wiser, if not a sadder man, entered Holy Orders, and withdrew from the society of his former companions. Theodore used to give an amusing account of this gentle- man's sensitiveness, and of a sort of quarrel between them, to which, on one occasion, it gave rise. H , who, it seems, had an opposition establishment in the pump-handle and bell-pull line of his own, called on Hook, and in the course of conversation observed, that for a considerable time he had been looking at, and long- ing for, what, if attainable, would have proved the first gem of his "collection." " However," he added, " as I have quite convinced myself that the thing is not to be got, I don't mind telling that in Street, over a shop window, No. , there is such a golden eagle ! such a glorious fellow ! such a beak! and such wings !" &c., &c. Hook took little apparent notice of the communication at tho time; but some three or four weeks afterwards, pre- vailed upon his friend to " drop in and take a chop with him." The first course, whatever it might have been, removed, a servant entered, staggering under the weight of an enormous dish, which, with some difficulty, was placed upon the table ; the cover of corresponding size, which had itself probably graced the exterior of some tinman's "emporium," was raised, and displayed to the eyes of the astonished guest the identical features of the much-coveted piece of sculpture, gorgeous and glittering; as gold-leaf could make it. 86 LIFE OP Every windy evening during the preceding fortnight had the spoiler taken nis station within view of the de- voted object it stood firm, however, braved the tempest, and defied the storm ; at length his patience was rewarded, the wind shifted, and set in fresh from a particular quar- ter, a glance at the golden prize was enough it moved, it "waggled ! " Nothing now was wanting but a fitting opportunity, and that was not wanting long a lasso had been provided, by means of which the royal bird was speedily dragged from his eyrie on the first floor, and de- posited forthwith in a sack by way of game-bag. So far from entering into the joke, Mr. H was seriously annoyed, and chose to lobk upon the abstraction in the light of a personal affront ; what precise view the quon- dam proprietor might have taken of the transaction, and whether his feelings were equally nice upon the point, we are unfortunately not informed. Most of the more amusing instances of Hook's practical joking have been detailed, and with but slight embellish- ment, in " Gilbert Gurney," which, as has been before hinted, is little more than a record of his own mad doings, loose thoughts, and feelings. Others have appeared in the very entertaining volumes of Mrs. Mathews, and a few have been recently printed in the life of " Thomas In- goldsby." * * One from this last work we must venture to borrow. It was on the occasion of Lord Melville's trial Hook was present with a friend : " They went early, and were engaged in conversation when the peers began to enter. At this moment a country -looking lady, whom he afterwards found to be a resident at Rye, in Sussex, touched his arm, and said : ' I beg your pardon, sir, but pray who are those gentlemen in red now coming in t ' Those, ma'am,' returned Theo- dore, ' ore the Barons of England ; in these cases the junior peers always come first.' ' Thank you, sir, much obliged to you. Louisa, my dear ! (turning to a girl about fourteen), tell Jane (about ten), those are the Barona of England; and the juniors (that's the youngest, you know) always goes first. Tell her to be sure and remember that when we get home.' ' Dear me, ma !' said Louisa, ' can that gentleman be one of the youngeit t I am sure he looks one, very old.' Human nature, added Hook, could not stand this ; any though with no more mischief in him than a dove, must have been excited to a hoax. ' And pray, sir,' continued the lady, ' what gen- llemen are those T pointing to the bishops, who came next in order, in the drees which they wear on state occasions, viz., the scarlet and TUEODOBE HOOK. 37 One of his early friends observes : " At this period the exuberance of his fun was irrepressible. He did all sorts of strange things, merely that he might be doing ' and if he had not done them, he had died.' One day ho observed a pompous gentleman walking in very grand style along the Strand ; instantly leaving his companion he went up to him and said, ' I beg your pardon, sir, but pray may I ask, are you anybody in particular ? ' Before the astonished magnifico could collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query, Mr. Hook had passed on." One of the most notorious of these hoaxes was the Spanish ambassador's visit to Woolwich, so admirably told by Mrs. Mathews in the second volume of her hus- band's life, albeit we fancy we have heard a different and somewhat less triumphant termination to the adventure. The scene supposed to have been enacted on the banks of the Thames, and also narrated in the same pages, is not strictly authentic ; the landing on the lawn, marking oufc the projected line of the Paddington Canal, "just taking- the end of that conservatory ;" the alarm of the portly lawn sleeves over their doctors' robes. ' Gentlemen, ma'am !' said Hook, ' those are not gentlemen ; those are ladies, elderly ladies the Dowager Peeresses in their own right.' The fair inquirer fixed a penetrating glance upon his countenance, saying as plainly as an eye can say, 'Are you quizzing me or no f Not a muscle moved; till at last, tolerably satisfied with her scrutiny, she turned round and whispered, ' Louisa, dear, the gentleman says that these are elderly ladies, and Dowager Peeresses in their own right ; tell Jau not to forget that f All went on smoothly till the Speaker of th House of Commons attracted her attention by the rich embroidery of his robes. ' Pray, sir,' said she-, ' and who is that fine-looking: person opposite V ' That, madam,' was the answer, ' is Cardinal Wolsey !' ' No, sir !' cried the lady, drawing herself up, and casting at her informant a look of angry disdain, ' we knows a little better than that ; Cardinal Wolsey has been dead many a good year !' ' No such thing, my dear madam, I assure you,' replied Hook, with a gravity that must have been almost preternatural ; ' it has been, I know, so reported in the country, but without the least foundation- ; in fact, those rascally newspapers will say anything.' The good old gentlewoman appeared thunderstruck, opened her eyes to their full extent, and gasped like a dying carp ; vox faucibiu hccsit, seizing a daughter with each hand, she hurried without a word from th* pot" Ingoldiby Ltgendt, 3rd terict, p. 69. 38 LIFE OF proprietor, introduction to his wife and daughters, the excellent dinner, recherche wines, and proffered bribe, are little improvements subsequently introduced, and re- peated, doubtless, so often as to have become matter of faith, if not with the inventor, at least with many of his friends. In point of fact we have before us a letter from Hook himselt, expressly denying, and in rather indignant terms, the story as it stands. That an dccurrence, similar in the principal feature, involving equal impudence, though with less of humour, did take place, is undoubtedly true ; the venue, however, is to be laid in the neighbourhood of Soho-square ; Frith- street or Dean-street being, we believe, the actual spot, both, at that period, places of comparatively fashionable residence. Lounging up one of these streets in the afternoon, with Terry the actor, the nostrils of the pro- menaders were suddenly saluted with a concord of sweet odours arising from a spacious area. They stopped, snuffed the grateful incense, and peeping down perceived through the kitchen-window preparations for a handsome dinner, evidently on the point of being served. " What a feast !" said Terry. "Jolly dogs ! I should like to make one of them." "I'll take any bet," returned Hook, "that I do call for me here at ten o'clock, and you will find that I shall be able to give a tolerable account of the worthy gentle- man's champagne and venison." " Why, you don't know him ! " said Terry doubtfully. " Not at present," replied Hook, " but don't be later than ten : so saying, he marched up the steps, gave an authoritative rap with the burnished knocker, and was quickly lost to the sight of his astonished companion. As a matter of course he was immediately ushered by the servant, as an expected guest, into the drawing-room, where a large party had already assembled. The apartment being well-nigh full, no notice was at first taken of his intrusion, and half-a- dozen people were laughing at his bon-mots before the host discovered the mistake. Affecting not to observe the visible embarrassment of the latter, and ingeniously avoiding any opportunity for explanation, Hook rattled on till he had attracted the greater portion of the com- T1IEODORE HOOK. 39 pany in a circle round him, and some considerable time elapsed ere the old gentleman was able to catch the atten- tion of the agreeable stranger. " I beg your pardon, sir," he said, contriving at last to get in a word, but your name, sir, I did not quite catch it servants are so abominably incorrect and I am really a little at a loss " "Don't apologise, I beg," graciously replied Theo- dore, " Smith my name is Smith and as you justly ob- serve, servants are always making some stupia blunder or another ; I remember a remarkable instance," &c. " But, really, my dear sir," continued the host at the termination of the story illustrative of stupidity in ser- vants, " I think the mistake on the present occasion does not originate in the source you allude to. I certainly did not anticipate the pleasure of Mr. Smith's company to dinner to-day." *' No, I dare say not you said four in your note, I know, and it is now, I see, a quarter past five you are a little fast by the way but the fact is, I have been de- tained in the city as I was about to explain when " " Pray," exclaimed the other, as soon as he could stay the volubility of his guest, " whom, may I ask, do you suppose you are addressing?" "Whom ? why Mr. Thompson, of course, old friend of my father. 1 have not the pleasure, indeed, of being personally known to you, but having received your kind invitation yesterday, on my arrival from Liver- pool, Frith-street four o'clock family party come in boots you see I have taken you at your word. I am only afraid I have kept you waiting." " No, no ; not at all. But permit me to observe, my dear sir, my name is not exactly Thompson, it is Jones, and" "Jones ! " repeated the soi-disant Smith, in admirably assumed consternation, "Jones! why surely I caunot have yes I must Good Heaven! I see it all! My dear sir, what an unfortunate blunder wrong house what must you think of such an intrusion! you will permit me to retire at present, and to-morrow " " Pray don't think of retiring ! " exclaimed the hospi- table old gentleman, " your friend's table must have been 40 LIFE OF cleared long ago if, as you say, four was the hour named, and I am only too happy to be able to offer you a seat at mine." Hook, of course, could not hear of such a thing could not think oi trespassing upon the kindness of a perfect stranger if too late for Thompson, there were plenty of chop-houses at hand the unfortunate part of the business was, he had made an appointment with a gentleman to call for him at ten o'clock. The good-natured Jones, however, positively refused to allow so entertaining a visitor to withdraw dinnerless. Mrs. Jones joined in solicitation, the Misses Jones smiled bewitchingly, and at last Mr. Smith, who soon recovered from his confusion, was prevailed upon to offer his arm to one of the ladies, and to take his place at " the well-furnished board." In all probability the family of Jones never passed such an evening before ; Hook naturally exerted himself to the utmost to keep the party in an unceasing roar of laughter, and to make good the first impression. The mirth grew fast and furious, when by way of a coup de grdce, he seated himself at the piano- forte, and struck off into one of those extemporaneous effusions which had filled more critical judges than the Joneses with delight and astonishment. Ten o'clock struck, and on Mr. Terry being announced, our triumphant friend wound up the performance with the explanatory stanza : * I am very much pleased with your fare, Your cellar's as prime as your cook ; My friend's Mr. Terry, the player. And I'm Mr. Theodore Hook !" Such we believe to be the true version of the story ; such, at least, was somewhat the manner in which Hook used to tell it. A friend has supplied us with another veritable case, in which " Le Gastronome sans argent" was performed with equal success and applause, and in which he himself fonnea one of the dramatis persona. Hook, on this oc- casion, had induced some good-natured man to lend him a horse and gig, and he accordingly called on the gentle- man in question, inviting him to join in an excursion into the country. The weather was fine, and off started THEODOBE HOOK. 41 the pair in the highest possible spirits, though not with the clearest ideas as to whither they were to go, or on what particular object bent. However onwards they sped, and some two or three hours past noon found themselves in the neighbourhood of Ruislip, near Ux- bridge : in obedience to certain internal monitions, they now began to cast their eyes about in search of some snug hostelry which might give promise of " good enter- tainment for man and horse." "By the way," said Hook to his companion, "of course you have got some money with you?" A most melancholy negative was given by the respondent : " Not a sixpence not a sous." Hook was in the same pre- dicament, the last turnpike had exhausted his finances. It was an awkward business : what was to be done ? Dine they must, and so must the nag, though it might be difficult under the circumstances, to induce mine host of the "Bed Lion," or "Blue Boar," as the case might be, to see the necessity. " Stay !" said Hook, suddenly reining up; "do you see that house pretty little villa, isn't it ? Cool and com- fortable lawn like a billiard-table: suppose we dine there ?" The suggestion was capital, nothing could be- more to the taste of his friend. " You know the owner, then ?" inquired he. "Not the least in the world," was the reply. "I never saw him in all my life ; but that's of no conse- quence : I know his name, it's E w, the celebrated chronometer-maker ; the man who got the 10,OOOJ. pre- mium from government, and then wound up his aflaira and his watches, and retired from business. He will be delighted to see us." So saying, up he drove to the door. " Is Mr. E w at home ?" Answer, " Yes !" In, they went. The old tradesman appeared, and after a little staring at each other, Hook began : "Mr. E w, happening to pass through your neigh- bourhood, I could not deny myself the pleasure and honour of paying my respects to you : I am conscious that it may seem impertinent, but your celebrity over- came in me regard for the common forms of society, and I and my friend here, were resolved, come what might, to have it in our power to say that we had seen you, and. 42 LIFE OF enjoyed, for a few minutes, the company of an individual famous throughout the civilized world." " The flame was lighted, the moth was on the wing." The blush of an honest pride mantled on the old mail's countenance: shaking of hands followed, a few more compliments, a little chat, and presently the remark, " But, gentlemen, you are far from town it's getting late, pray do me the honour of staying and dining, quite as we say ' in the family way' now pray, gentlemen, do stay." The two visitors consulted gravely for a minute, and then protested, " that it was quite impossible they must return to town," Hook adding a little more of what Sam Slick denominates the soft sawder, which served to elicit a still more pressing invitation from the gratified chrono- meter-maker. The pair were at length graciously pleased to condescend to his request, and agreed to partake sans ceremonie of his plain roast, which was already giving odour, and to join him in the discussion of a bottle of "Barnes's best." The dinner dispatched, the bottle, multiplied by six, was emptied, and the host made the while as merry and as happy as a king, nor would he allow his new friends to depart save under solemn pledges of repeating their visit at the first opportunity. The old gentleman, after all, had by no means the worst of the joke. "When we remember how men used to cluster, at the clubs, round the well-known corner, for the mere chance of picking up crumbs of conversation, an evening spent in the society of two such wits will not appear dearly purchased at the expense of a few slices of " South Down," and some half-dozen extracts from the favourite bin. But the day's adventures were not yet concluded ; on arriving at Hammersmith, on the way home, the horse, who had probably been as hospitably entertained as his pro tempore masters, began to rear, and shewed symptoms of an inclination for a freak, which he eventually indulged by snapping the shafts, and kicking the body of the ve- hicle to pieces. Happily, neither of the travellers were injured, and leaving the animal and shattered gig at an inn, they returned safely to town per stage. THEODORE HOOK. 43 Eural wanderings into the "bowels of the earth," in search of the sublime and the ridiculous, were at this time much in fashion with Hook and a knot of intimates and what a knot it was ! Mathews, Terry, Tom Hill, Higginson, Dubois, &c. Much material of mirth, after- wards to be worked up for the delectation of the public, was in this manner obtained both by author and actor. Inter alia the state of the metropolitan roads, the abun- dance of those misanthropic eremites, the takers of toll legalised latrones, before whom the vacuus viator feels no disposition to sing, suggested the following sketch : " Few persons can have passed through life, or London, without having experienced more or less insult from the authoritative manner and coarse language of the fellows who keep the different toll-bars round the metropolis; but even were those persons uniformly civil and well- behaved, the innumerable demands which they are au thorised to make, and the necessary frequency of their conversation and appeals to the traveller, are of them- selves enough to provoke the impatience of the most placid passenger in Christendom. " We will select one line of about three or four miles, which will answer by way of an example of what we mean: A man, driving himself (without a servant), starts from Bishopsgate-street for Kilburn. The day is cold and rainy his fingers are benumbed ; his two coats but- toned up ; his money in tight pantaloon-pockets ; his horse restive, apt to kick if the reins touch his tail ; his gloves soaked with wet; and himself half-an-hour too late for dinner. He has to pull up in the middle of the street in Shoreditch, and pav a toll; he means to return, therefore he takes a ticket, letter A. On reaching Shore- ditch Church, he turns into the Curtain-road, pulls up again, drags off his wet glove with his teeth, his other hand being fully occupied in holding up the reins and the whip ; pays again ; gets another ticket, number 482 ; drags on his glove; buttons up his coats, and rattles away into Old-street-road; another gate, more pulling and poking, and unbuttoning, and squeezing. He pays, and takes another ticket, letter L. The operation of getting all to rights takes place once more, nor is it repeated until he reaches Goswell-street-road ; here he 4A LIFE OF performs all the ceremonies we have already described, for a fourth time, and gets a fourth ticket, 732, which is to clear him through the gates in the New-road, as far as the bottom of Pentonville ; arrived there, he performs once more all the same evolutions, and procures a fifth ticket, letter x, which, unless some sinister accident occur, is to carry him clear to the Paddington-road ; but opening the fine space of the Regent's Park, at the top of Portland-street, the north breeze blowing fresh from Hampstead, bursts upon his buggy, and all the tickets which he had received from all the gates which he has paid, and which he had stuffed seriatim between the cushion and lining of his dennet, suddenly rise, like a covey of partridges, from the corner, and he sees the dingy vouchers for his expenditure proceeding down Portland-street at full speed. They are rescued, how- ever, muddy and filthy as they are, by the sweeper of the crossing, who is, of course, rewarded by the driver for his attention with a larger sum than he had originally dis- bursed for all the gates; and when deposited again in the vehicle, not in their former order of arrangement, the unfortunate traveller spends at least ten minutes at the next gate in selecting the particular ticket which is there required to insure his free passage. " Conquering all these difficulties, he reaches Pad- dington Gate, where he pays afresh, and obtains a ticket, 691, with which he proceeds swimmingly until stopped again at Kilburn, to pay a toll, which would clear him all the way to Stanmore if he were not going to dine at a house three doors beyond this very turnpike, where he pays for the seventh time, and where he obtains a seventh ticket, letter o. " He dines and ' wines ;' and the bee's-wing from the citizen's port gives new velocity to Time. The dennet was ordered at eleven: and, although neither tides nor the old gentleman just mentioned, will wait for any man, except Tom Hill, horses and dennets will. It is nearer midnight than eleven when the visitor departs, even better buttoned up than in the morning, his lamps giving cheerfulness to the equipage, and light to the road ; and his horse whisking along (his nostrils pouring forth breath like amoko from safety valves), and tho THEODOBE HOOK. 45 whole affair actually in motion at the rate of ten miles per hour. Stopped at Paddington. "Pay here?" "JL." "Won't do." "G?" (The horse fidgety all this time, and the driver trying to read the dirty tickets by the little light which is emitted through the tops of of his lamps,) "x?" " It's no letter I tell you?" "432," "No." At this juncture the clock strikes twelve the driver is told that his reading and rummag- ing are alike useless, for that a new day has begun. The coats are, therefore, unbuttoned the gloves pulled off the money to be fished out the driver discovers that his last shilling was paid to the ostler at the inn wnere his horse was fed, and that he must change a sove- reign to pay the gate. This operation the toll-keeper performs ; nor does the driver discover, until the morn- ing, that one of the halfcrowns and four of the shillings which he has received, are bad. Satisfied, however, with what has occurred, he determines at all hazards to drive home over the stones, and avoid all further importunities from the turnpike-keepers. Accordingly, away he goes along Oxford Street, over the pavement, working into one hole and tumbling into another, like a ball on a frou madame table, until at the end of George Street, St. Giles's, snap goes his axle-tree; away goes his horse, dashing the dennet against a post at the corner of Plumtree Street, leaving the driver, with his collar- bone and left arm broken, on the pavement, at the mercy of two or three popish bricklayers and a couple of women of the town, who humanely lift him to the coach-stand, and deposit him in a hackney-chariot, having previously cut off the skirts of both his coats, and relieved him, not only of his loose change, but of a gold repeater, a snuff- box, and a pocket-book full of notes and memoranda, of no use but to the owner. "The unhappy victim at length reaches home, in agonies from the continued roughness of the pre-adamite pavement, is put to bed doctors are sent for, the frac- tures are reduced, and in seven weeks he is able to crawl into his counting-house to write a cheque for a new dennet, and give his people orders to shoot his valuable horse, who has BO dreadfully injured himself on the fatal night as to be past recovery." 46 LIFE OP Hook's "mononag excursions," as be called them, were occasionally prolonged to a duration of some weeks. He once made the tour of Wales in this way, accom- panied by an intimate friend in the Treasury, who had provided a gig, drawn by a white horse, for the journey. Everything passed off pleasantly enough ; fine weather magnificent scenery a stream to be whipped one day, a mountain to be climbed the next a mine to be explored at one spot, a Druid temple to be traced at another. Castles, cataracts, and coal-mines, all inviting inspection! "Ah!" said Hook, as they lounged along one bright morning, " this is all very well in its way very delightful, of course plenty to look at but then, somehow, nobody looks at us! the thing is getting a little dull, don't you think so?" His companion assented. " Well, we can't go on in this manner," continued the other, " I must hit upon something, and get up a digito monstrari somehow or another." And at the next town from which they started, his friend had a taste of his quality in that line, for having procured a box of large black wafers, he had completely spotted the snowy coat of the white animal they were driv- ing, after the pattern of those wooden quadnyjey* which, before the diffusion of useful knowledge, used to form the studs of childhood. The device fully answered its purpose, and the happy pair drove off, attracting, through- out the remainder of the day, the gaze, wonder, and unqualified admiration of Cadwallader and all his goats. When confined to the neighbourhood of town, the drive not unfrequently terminated with a dinner at the cottage of his old friend, Mr. Hill, at Sydenham. Here, especially on the Sunday, a small party of congenial spirits, " fit though few, used constantly to assemble. The house being small, the company never exceeded a dozen, and with the exception of Mrs. Mathews, who seems to have been voted a bachelor for the occasion, consisted entirely of gentlemen. Among them might be numbered the brightest wits of the day. The merry- hearted little host himself, who discharged the office of the whetstone rather than the razor, as Paul Pry, Mr. Hull, the hero of Little Pedlington and Morning Chronicler of THEODORE HOOK. 47 the great American sea serpent, has been brought so continually before the public, that * Not to know him argues thyself unknown.'* His curiosity and habits of " prying " are hardly to be described, and are quite beyond the reach of carica- ture. No matter what the subject or whence the source ; whether an on dit of club-house origin, or a bit of domestic gossip wormed out of an esurient school-boy at a pastry-cook's shop, it was all food for his craving appetite. " Pooh ! pooh ! it's all information, you know! " Nothing too lofty for his capacity or too minute for his attention. " W n, my dear boy," said he, one day, to an acquaintance whom he had seized by the button, " how are you all at home? how are all the little W.'s?" " Why, my daughter, for I have but one child, is quite well, I thank you." " Only one ! pooh ! pooh ! don't tell me, you've half a dozen at least. I happen to know it." " Half a dozen !" repeated his friend, in astonishment, " all I can say is, that I had but one when I left home, and I really was not aware that there was any proba- bility of so alarming an addition to my family." "Nonsense, my dear boy, you can't deceive me. I passed by your house last Wednesday, and as I happened to look down through the kitchen window, I saw nine slices of bread and butter ready cut for tea. One little girl can't eat nine slices of bread and butter, you know, my dear boy ; pooh ! pooh !" The mystery was explained, by the fact of the said Wednesday having been the birth-day of the young lady, on which occasion she had given a conversazione to a few juvenile friends in the neighbourhood. Another peep in the same direction has been versified by George Col man, under the title of "The Haunch of Venison." Hill, invited to dine at No. 1, sees a mag- nificent haunch on the spit at No. 2. Unable to resist the temptation, he knocks at the first door : " Give my compliments very sorry aunt taken alarmingly ill must be off into Surrey." Calls at the house adjoining, where he is equally at home : " Just dropped in to take 48 LIFE or pot-luck in a quiet way." An hour passes and an Irish stew is at length put upon table. Tom declines. " Pooh, pooh ! my dear boy ! I shall wait for the venison I Baw it glorious haunch, the first of the season." " Oh, that," replies the host, "belongs to my neighbour next door ; he has people to dine with him, and as " His chimney smoked the scene to change, I let him have my kitchen range Whilst his was newly polished ; The ven'son you observed below, Went home just half-an-hour ago; I guess it's now demolished." But it would be an endless task to attempt to give all the stories, good and true, of a similar kind, whereof this singular being was the hero. One more may suffice. He had been, with a couple of friends, paying a short visit at the villa of Sir P D e ; on the morning fixed for the departure of the party, Sir P pressed them strongly to remain another day, and succeeded in over- ruling the objections of the others, but Hill was firm, unshakable as his namesakes : " No, he must return to town ; and to town return he would." Finding it useless to urge the matter further, and not choosing to suffer him to take his journey alone, his two companions with some little reluctance, however took their places in the postchaise. " What on earth, Hill," asked one, as soon as they had got clear of the gates, " could make you so absurdly obstinate ? You are the only one of the three who has no engagement no business nothing to call you away ; why not stop ?" " He didn't want us to stop," replied Tom. " Nonsense," said the other, " no man could have been more kind, or more hospitable in his invitation ; he was clearly annoyed at our leaving him." " He was no such thing," persisted Hill. " I tell you he didn't want us to stop ; and he is very glad we are gone I happen to know it." " But why doubt the man's sincerity ? There was no need to press us, and he did so with every appearance of being in earnest 1" THEODOBE HOOK. 49 " Pooh ! " said the imperturbable Hill, " I know better; I am not to be taken in ; I tell you I was up before any body else in the house, and I just took a look into the larder, and he had got nothing for dinner ! Don't tell me, he didn't mean us to stop !" It cannot be doubted that the habit, in which he per- severed to the last, of being " up before any body else in the house," contributed in no small degree to that fresh- ness of face, for " 'Twas in the grain, sir ; 'twould endure- wind and weather," and that juvenility of form which drew down the ceaseless raillery of his associates. One hinted that he was no other than the Wandering Jew ; another suggested that he was one of the skipping little hills alluded to by David ; while the most moderate, con- fessing that his early life was involved in obscurity, declared that the first authentic piece of intelligence respecting him was, that he held a small post about the court in the time of Charles the Second ; but that, from what he once inadvertently let fall, it was probable he was privy to, if not an accomplice in, the Gunpowder Plot ; that he was intimate with the " man in the iron mask," and had furnished information to the various authors of Junius, was generally admitted. All this and more besides he bore from those who were privileged to take the liberty, and from many who were not, with un- wincing good temper; and appeared never more happy than when contributing, in any way, to the amusement of his "dear boys," Hook, Mathews, &c. He suffered severe pecuniary losses towards the close* of his career, but at the time of which we are writing; was the comparatively affluent and superlatively hospitable owner of the Sydenham villa. It was from this spot that the little band before mentioned, started to enjoy the delights of Croydon fair. Here Hook, at the theatre, whither they had repaired, drew the attention of the performers and the audience to the presence of Mathews, as the original representative of Matheio Daw, the prin- cipal character in the piece being performed on the stage ;* and afterwards, on their visiting the booth, Mr. Kichardson kindly complimented the said well-known Vide "Memoirs of Charles Mathews," roL ii p. 39. 50 LITE OP ' " Mr. Mathies " with a free admission : " You know, sir, we never take money from one another," the former incident as painful to the modesty as the latter was irritating to the pride of that sensitive individual. The performances over, the party adjourned to a " long room" at one of the inns, filled with all sorts of people carousing. Hook and Mathews now got up a mock quarrel each appealing most earnestly to the sympathy of the company who, with the true British predilection for anything in the shape of a " row," eagerly espoused the side of one or other of the champions. The contest proceeded; Hook's cool invectives grew more and more cutting, and the gesticulations of Mathews more wild and extravagant; blows followed, and the partizans, full of gin and valour, soon followed the example of their principals a general melee succeeded, candles were knocked out, tables and chairs overthrown, the glasses " sparkled on the boards," and in the midst of the confusion, just in time to avoid the "arrival of the police and impressive denouement," the promoters of the riot, unobserved, effected their escape, leaving their excitable adherents to compute at leisure the amount of damage done to their persons and property, and to explain, if possible, to a magistrate in the morning, the cause and object of the combat. Everybody has heard of the ingenious manner in which Sheridan evaded payment of a considerable sum for coach- hire, by inveigling Eichardson into the vehicle, getting 'up a quarrel, no very difficult matter, then jumping out in disgust, and leaving his irritable friend to recover his composure and pay the fare. Hook, who like all men of genius, augmented the resources of his own wit by a judicious borrowing from that of others, seems to have caught at this idea when once, under similar circum- stances, he found himself, after a long and agreeable ride, without money to satisfy the coachman a friend hap- pened to be passing he was hailed and taken up but unfortunately proved to be, on inquiry, as unprepared for any pecuniary transaction as Theodore himself. A dull copyist would have broken down at once, but with a promptitude and felicity of conception that amply redeem the plagiarism, with whatever else he may be left charge- able, Hook pulled the check-string and bade the driver TUEODOBE HOOK. 51 proceed aa rapidly as possible to No. , Street, at the West End of the town, the residence of a well-known " surgeon, &c." Arrived, he ordered the coachman to " knock and ring," as desired, with energy, and on the door opening, told his friend to follow, and hastily entered the house. " Mr. , is he at home ? I must see him immediately !" Mr. soon made his appearance, when Hook, in an agitated and hurried tone, commenced : " My dear sir, I trust you are disengaged!" Mr. bowed ; " he was disengaged." " Thank heaven ! pardon my incoherence, sir, make allowance for the feelings of a husband perhaps a father your attendance, sir, is instantly required instantly by Mrs. , No. , &c., pray lose not a moment, it is a very peculiar case, I assure you." "I will start directly," replied the medical man; "I have only to run up stairs, get my apparatus, and step into my carriage." " Ah ! exactly," returned Hook ; " but I am in agony till I see you fairly off don't think of ordering out your own carriage here's one at the door jump into that." Mr. , with a great mahogany case under his arm, made the jump, and quickly found himself at the house to which he had been directed ; it was the abode of a Tery stiff-mannered, middle-aged maiden lady, not un- known to Hook; one, moreover, to whom he owed a grudge, a kind of debt he rarely failed to pay. The doctor was admitted, but on explaining the object of his visit, soon found it convenient to make a precipitate retreat from the claws of the infuriate spinster into the arms of the hackney-coachman, who deposited him in safety at his own door, which, however, he declined quit- ting without the full amount of his fare.* * We are reminded of a yet more abominable trick played off some four or five years since, upon a celebrated practitioner residing in the neighbourhood of the Horse Guards, by a party of lively young gentlemen, one of whom was not altogether satisfied with the treatment he had met at the hands of his medical friend. Between the hours of one and two in the morning an omnibus stopped at the house of the gentleman in question. Raps, ringings, and kicks Boon brought a half-dressed servant to the door, and Mr. himself in his robe de ckambre to the stair. " Come down directly, make haste for heaven's sake ! here is a man dying in a fit in an omnibus." 2 52 LIFE or But the most inexcusable and most mischievous far more so, probably, in the event than its contrivers anti- cipatedof all these youthful pranks was the gigantic " Berners Street hoax," perpetrated in 1809. Not merely, in this case, were the comforts of a single family sus- pended, or a few movables demolished, but a quarter of the town was disturbed a whole street was thrown into a state of uproar, which lasted from morning till night hundreds of individuals, servants, artisans, tradesmen, great and small, from all parts of London, professional men of every class, not to speak of princes, potentates, and nobles of high degree, swelled the catalogue of the victims ; the police were employed to trace out the delinquents ; rewards were offered for their apprehension. Neither the " Cock-lane ghost," nor the Cato Street con- spiracy, produced a greater amount of popular excite- ment, or furnished a more abundant crop of "latest particulars." A previous trick of the kind had been played, on a smaller scale, upon an unfortunate Quaker, by Hook alone, and the success which attended it, pro- bably led to a more complete development of the idea. On this occasion, however, the confederates, Mr. H and Mrs. , a celebrated actress still alive, were called into council ; six weeks were spent in preparation, during which time about four thousand letters were despatched, " IT! just dress, and then " " Shame ! shame !" roared the party from below ; "the man's dying ! fetch him down push him down make him come at once ! " Seeing the determination of his summoners, Mr. hastily snatched up a case of lancets, hurried to the vehicle, placed his foot on the step, and was next instant, by a skilful application of the shoulder of the conductor, plunged into the interior; "bang" went the door, " All r-right " was the word ; and off went the omnibus, rattling and clattering through the streets at the rate of sixteen miles the hour. Somewhere near the Haymarket it " pulled up," and Mr. was uncarted like an Easter stag, " his streamers waving in the wind," to the great sport of a rather mixed company that was assembled to receive him. Hackney coaches and police- men are fortunately not rare in that locality, and by their aid an escape was soon effected. Whether, however, he was unable to dis- cover the perpetrators of the " abominable outrage," whether ho knew them too well, or whether he thought that in the course of an inquiry the laugh might chance to run against him, whatever the verdict might do, he appears to have been content to let the matter rest, and not to have followed his first incautious step by any of a. graver nature. THEODOBE HOOK. 53 all, under various pretences, inviting the several recipients to call on a certain day at the house of a Mrs. Totten- ham, a lady of property, residing at No. 54, Berners Street, and who had, on 'some account, fallen under the displeasure of this formidable trio. Scarce had the eventful morning begun to break, ere the neighbourhood resounded with the cries of " sweep," uttered in every variety of tone, and proceeding from crowds of sooty urchins and their masters, who had assembled by five o'clock beneath the windows of the devoted No. 54. In the midst of the wrangling of the rival professors, and the protestations of the repudiating housemaid, heavy waggons laden with chaldrons of coals from the different wharves, came rumbling up the street, blockading the thoroughfare, impeding one another, crushing and struggling to reach the same goal, amid a hurricane of imprecations from the respective conducteurs. Now among the gathering crowd, cleanly, cook-like men were to be seen, cautiously making their way, each with a massive wedding-cake under his arm; tailors, boot- makers, upholders, undertakers with coffins, draymen with beer-barrels, &c., succeeded in shoals, and long before the cumbrous coal- waggons were enabled to move off, about a dozen travelling chariots and four, all ready for the reception of as many " happy pairs," came dash- ing up to the spot. Medical men with instruments for the amputation of limbs, attorneys prepared to cut off entails; clergymen summoned to minister to the mind; and artists engaged to pourtray the features of the body, unable to draw near in vehicles, plunged manfully into the mob. Noon came, and with it about forty fish- mongers, bearing forty " cod and lobsters ;" as many butchers, with an equal number of legs of mutton ; and as the confusion reached its height, and the uproar became terrific, and the consternation of the poor old lady grew to be bordering on temporary insanity, up drove the great Lord Mayor himself state carriage, cocked hats, silk stockings, bag wigs and all, to the intense gratification of Hook and his two associates, who, snugly ensconced in an apartment opposite, were witnessing the triumph of their scheme. All this, perhaps, was comparatively commonplace, and 54 LITE or within the range of a mediocre "joker of jokes." There were features, however, in the Berners Street hoax, in- dependently of its originality, which distinguished it for wit and mechancete far above any of the numberless imi- tations to which it gave rise. Every family, it is said, has its secret, some point tender to the touch, some circum- stance desirable to be suppressed ; according to the pro- verb "there is a skeleton in every house," and as a matter of a course the more eminent and conspicuous the master of the house, the more busy are men's tongues with his private affairs, and the more likely are they to get scent of any concealed subject of annoyance. Com- pletely familiar with London gossip, and by no means scrupulous in the use of any information he might pos- sess, Hook addressed a variety of persons of considera- tion, taking care to introduce allusion to some peculiar point sure of attracting attention, and invariably closing with an invitation to No. 54, Berners Street. Certain revelations to be made respecting a complicated system of fraud pursued at the Bank of England, brought the governor of that establishment; a similar device was employed to allure the chairman of the East India Com- pany, while the Duke of Gloucester started off with Colonel Dalton to receive a communication from a dying woman, formerly a confidential attendant on his Royal Highness's mother. His were the royal liveries conspi- cuous on the occasion : the Duke of York was not, we have reason to believe, included in the hoax. The consequences of this affair threatened to be serious: many of the beguiled tradesmen and others, who had suffered in person or in purse, took active measures towards bringing the charge homo to the principal offender, who was pretty generally suspected. Such, however, was the precaution that had been observed, that the attempt proved fruitless, and the inquiry fell to the ground ; and Theodore Hook, after a temporary visit to the country, returned unmolested, and more famous than ever, to his usual occupations. The following account, short and imperfect as it is, extracted from one of the morning papers of the day, may not be without interest : A 1 IOAX. This very malignant species of witwas yester- TUEODOBE HOOK. 55 day most successfully practised at the house of Mrs. T , a lady of fortune, at No. 54, Berners Street, which waa beset by about a dozen tradespeople at one time, with their various commodities; and from the confusion alto- gether, such crowds had collected as to render the street impassable. Waggons laden with coals from the Pad- dington wharves, upholsterers' goods in cart-loads, organs, pianofortes, linen, jewellery, and every other description of furniture, were lodged as near as possible to the door of No. 54, with anxious tradespeople and a laughing mob. About this time, the Lord Mayor arrived in his carriage, but his lordship's stay was short ; and he was driven to- Marlborough Street police-office. At the office, his lord- ship informed the sitting magistrate that he had received a note purporting to come from Mrs. T , which stated that she had been summoned to appear before him, but that she was confined to her room by sickness, and requested his lordship would do her the favour to call on. her. Berners Street waa, at this time, in the greatest confusion, by the multiplicity of tradespeople, who were returning with their goods, and spectators laughing at them. The officers at Marlborough Street office were immediately ordered out to keep order, but it was im- possible for a short time. The first tiling witnessed by the officers was six stout men bearing an organ, sur- sounded by wine-porters with permits, barbers with wigs, mantua-makers with band-boxes, opticians with the various articles of their trade ; and such was the pressure of tradespeople who had been duped, that at four o'clock all was stdl confusion. Every officer that could be mus- tered was enlisted to disperse the people, and they were placed at the corners of Berners Street, to prevent trades- people from advancing towards the house with goods. The street was not cleared at a late hour, as servants of every description, wanting places, began to assemble at five o'clock. It turned out that letters had been written to the different tradespeople, which stated recommenda- tions from persons of quality. This hoax exceeded by far that in Bedford Street, a few months since, for, besides a coffin which was brought to Mrs. T 's house, made to measure, agreeable to letter, five feet six by sixteen 56 LIFE OP inches, there were accoucheurs, tooth-drawers, miniature painters, and artists of every description.* CIIAPTEE IV. Mr. Hook's first Novel. Matriculation at Oxford. Scene with the Proctor. " The Cockney University." George Colman and the " Roman History." Anecdote. Death of Mrs. WalL Introduc- tion to High Life. Rev. Edward Cannon. Anecdotes of him. Hook's power of Memory. The Precession of the Equinoxes. Fable of the Two Dogs. Letter from Cannon. "The Dean," Impromptu. INSTANCES of purely voluntary abdication are rare in the page of history, and perhaps the case of an author abandoning a style of composition well adapted to his taste, and equally agreeable to that of those whom he may have addressed, is not much more frequent. Far more likely is he to run into the opposite extreme, and to work out a favourite vein to exhaustion, repeating him- self, and reproducing at each time, aprogeniem vitiosiorem of any fortunate creation. The warmth of popular ap- plause though the pitiless storm of the cntic may not be equally effectual will often be sufficient to turn a man from his original bent and inclination, and perma- nently fix him in a line of writing into which he deviated accidentally at first, and wherein he by no means con- siders his strength to lie. An exception to what then almost amounts to a general rule is presented to our notice by Theodore Hook. Successful beyond the most sanguine expectation as a dramatist, with actors at hand, and those his personal friends, most eager and the best qualified to give expression to his ideas, he stopped sud- denly in his theatrical career, at a time of life when few men would have ventured to enter upon it. lie was barely twenty-one when, declining to write for the stage, he commenced as a novelist, and to say the * Thus speaks Daly, "Gurney's" double: "I am the man I did it ; sent a Lord Mayor in state to relieve impressed seamen ; philo- sophers and sages, to look at children with two heads apiece, &c. Copy the joke and it ceases to be one any fool can imitate an xample once set : but for originality of thought and design, I do think that was perfect" Vol. ii. THEODOEE HOOK. 67 truth, his coup d'essai, " The Man of Sorrows," published under the pseudonym of Alfred Allendale, brought with it but little encouragement to proceed. In point of i'act, so little attention did the work excite that he was enabled, some years afterwards, to present it, condensed and remodelled, as illustrative of the proverb, " Many a *lip 'twixt the cup and the lip," in "Sayings and Doings." The hero in the original, as in the second version, is, almost from his birth, the very sport of fortune; one against whom the tide of luck sets with an unvarying and irresistible current ; in small things as in great, from the staining his face at a grand dinner-party by wiping it with a wet doyley. "The discovery was mortifying, though the incident proved that he had como from the dinner-table with flying colours" to the crown- ing misery, the accidentally shooting his bride as they are on the point of starting for the honeymoon, every- thing goes wrong. At the very outset he loses an affec- tionate mother, and here, as in a later work before spoken of, the writer's own feelings, expressed almost in the same words, break forth with a distinctness, touching, and almost painful : " He never lost remembrance of that awful scene the sable hearse the drawing of the cords that lowered her to earth the rattling dust thrown in upon her coffin." It is unnecessary to follow the unhappy Musgrave through the farcical series of misadventures which meet him at every chapter, and yet it must be confessed, that after all, the absurdity consists rather in the multi- plicity and rapid succession of these mishaps than in any want of tact in the bringing them about. Even in this early work, Hook exhibits much of that remarkable facility in developing what he terms the " wheel within wheel system," which especially distinguishes his later productions. Few writers shew themselves more thoroughly pos- sessed of the idea that there are no such things in the world as trifles few more happy in the application of the maxim to fictitious narrative. His effects flow from causes, however remote, in a manner singularly natural and easy he loves to touch, at starting, upon some spring seemingly insignificant, and exhibit the extensive 58 LIFE OF and complicated machinery set in motion by the vibra- tion. In the present case, and perhaps in some others, the habit of referring striking and important incidents to matters of mere accident is indulged in too freely. The fault, if it be one, is more or less perceptible in all his novels. There are charges, however, of a graver nature which might be substantiated against the " Man of Sorrow;" but let them pass; no one could be more alive to its blemishes than the author himself, who when he alluded to it, which was not often, always spoke of ifc as the crude work of a very young man, carelessly, and, in some places, very loosely, written. He had suffered it to get out of print, not even possessing a copy himself.* It abounds, as a matter of course, in play upon words : for example, a rejected suitor's taking to drinking, is accounted for on the plea that " it is natural an unsuc- cessful lover should oe given to whine" a pun, by the way, better conveyed in the name " Negus," which ne is said to have bestowed upon a favourite, but offending, dog. There are also introduced a couple of tolerably well-sketched portraits, Mr. Minus, the poet (T. Moore), and Sir Joseph Jonquil (Banks). An epigram, referring to the celebrated duel of the former with Jeffrey ,f in. consequence of an article in No. 16 of the " Edinburgh Beview," is worth repeating, the more so, as its pater- nity has been subject of dispute, the majority attributing it to one of the authors of " Rejected Addresses !" " When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said, A reverse he displayed in his vapour, For while all his poems were loaded with lead, U is pistols were loaded with paper ; For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank, Such a talvo he should not abuse, For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank Which is tired away at Reviews" * It has been reprinted since his death, in three scanty volumes. t The parties, it will be remembered, were arrested on the ground, and conveyed to Bow Street ; the pistols on examination were found to contain merely the charge of powder ; the balls had disappeared I Byron alludes to the circumstance : When Little* leadless pistol met his eye, And Bow Street myrmidons stood laughing by." THEODOBE HOOK. 59 But the most peculiar feature in this juvenile produc- tion of Hook's is the frequent and indiscriminate use of classical quotation. He seems to have emptied the con- tents of his Harrow commonplace book over the pages, which are accordingly studded here and there with scraps from a host of authors, Greek and Latin, ancient and mediaeval, with whom in after-life he did not think it necessary to keep on terms of great intimacy ; not, how- ever, that there is the slightest ground lor supposing that at any period he lost the distinguishing traits of an educated man. In all probability, the somewhat pedan- tic display in question, common enough with boys fresh from a public school, originated in his having occasion, about this time, to "brush up" his Homer and Virgil, by way of preparing for a sojourn at the University. He had been already entered at St. Mary's Hall ; his friends would have preferred a residence at Exeter Col- lege, but to this, as entailing a somewhat more strict observance of discipline than was compatible with his habits, he himself, averse from the proceeding altogether, positively objected. A compromise was effected, and he was placed under the charge of his brother, and presented by him to the Vice-Chancellor, Dr. Parsons, Head of Baliol, and afterwards Bishop of Peterborough, for " Ma- triculation." The ceremony was well nigh stopped in limine, in consequence of a piece of lacetiousness on the part of the candidate, ill-timed, to say the least of it. On being asked if he was prepared to subscribe to the Thirty-nine Articles : "Oh, certainly, sir," replied Theodore; "forty if you please." The horror of the Vice-Chancellor may be imagined. The young gentleman was desired to withdraw ; and it required all the interest of his brother, who fortunately happened to be a personal friend of Dr. Parsons, to in- duce the latter to overlook the offence. The joke, such as it is, was probably picked out of one of Foote's tarces, who makes Mrs. Simony, if we mistake not, say, when speaking of her husband the Doctor (intended for the unfortunate Dr. Dodd), " He believes in all the Thirty- nine Articles ; ay, and so he would if there were forty of them." 60 LIFE OF We hare heard another instance of Oxford impudence attributed to Hook, but not, as in the preceding case, from his own lips, nor will we venture to vouch for its authenticity. On the evening of his arrival at the Uni- versity, says our friend, he contrived to give his brother the slip, and joined a party of old schoolfellows in a ca- rouse at one of the taverns. Sundry bowls of " Bishop," and of a popular compound yclept "Egg-flip" the Cam- bridge men call it " Silky," to the nondum graduati of Oxford it is known by a nomen accidentale which we have forgotten, having been discussed; songs, amatory and Bacchanalian, having been sung with full choruses ; and altogether the jocularity having begun to pass " the limit of becoming mirth," the Proctor made his appearance; and, advancing to the table at which the "Freshman" fresh in every sense of the word was presiding, put the -usual question, " Pray, sir, are you a member of this University ?" " No, sir," replied Hook, rising and bowing respect- fully. " Pray, sir, are you ?" A little disconcerted at the extreme gravity of the other, the Proctor held out his ample sleeve " You see this, sir?" "Ah," returned Hook, having examined the fabric with great earnestness for a lew seconds, " Yes ! I per- ceive Manchester velvet and may I take the liberty, sir, of inquiring how much you might have paid per yard for the article?" The quiet imperturbability of manner with which this was uttered was more than the Rev. gentleman could stand ; and, muttering something about " supposing it was a mistake," he effected a retreat, amid shouts of laughter from Hook's companions, in which the other occupants of the coifee-room, the waiters, and even his own " bull-dogs" were constrained to join. It must be sufficiently evident to the reader, that a youth, or rather per legem universitatis, a man of Mr. The- odore Hook's free and easy disposition, utterly unaccus- tomed too as he was to any kind, or measure, of restraint the companion of wits and " men about town," was not likely to become a very tractable son of alma mater, or to look up with any great degree of deference to the TIIEODOBE HOOK. 61 dull and dignified domini et magistri placed in authority over him. Even the lax rules of " St. Mary" would have soon been found to yield " too small a bound" for such a soul. Luckily, perhaps, for both parties, an unlooked-for turn in his affairs enabled him to quit Oxford, after a residence of one, or at most a couple of terms, if with no great accession of honour or wisdom, at least without censure. Brief, however, as was his stay " among the groves of Academus," it was enough to leave lasting traces in his heart of that reverential feeling with which few who have trodden them have departed unimpressed, and to inspire a proportionate contempt, pretty plainly manifested, for those modern institutions, which however serviceable in their way, are certainly woefully deficient in that classic grace and those associations which hallow the old seats of learning on the banks of Cam and Isis. One might as well expect a subaltern of the "Tenth" to "fraternize" with the officers of a " Spanish Legion," as an Oxford undergraduate to admit the pretensions of his brethren of the Strand and Gower-street. There may be tho same buttons and bravery in the one case the same prize-poems and trencher-caps in the other nay, as is we believe the fact, the more recently organized' bodies, may even boast a greater luxuriance of lace, and a larger amplitude of tassel, but the prestige is wanting. These subjects afforded, each, a mark too fair to be neglected, by the watchful Theodore, whose private prejudice on the occasion might lend an additional impetus to his political, feeling. Cedant arma toyce. We give a stanza or two from "THE COCKNEY UNIVERSITY. " Come bustle, my neighbours, give over your labours, Leave digging, and delving, and churning ; New lights are preparing to set you a-staring, And fill all your noddles with learning. Each dustman shall speak both in Latin and Greek, And tinkers beat bishops in knowledge, If the opulent tribe will consent to subscribe To build up a new Cockney College. " We've had bubbles in milk, we've had bubbles in silk, And bubbles in baths of sea-water ; 62 LIFE OF With other mad schemes, of railroads and steams, Of tombstones and places for slaughter But none are so sure, so snug and secure, As this ior which now we are burning ; For 'tis noble and wise to rub the world's eyes, And set all the journeymen learning. ****** M This College, when formed, established, endowed, Will astonish each Radical's graunam, She may place her young fry in the midst of the crowd For two pounds ten shillings per annum. And, oh, what a thing for a lad who climbs flues, Or for one who picks pockets of purses, To woo, in Ionic and Attic, the Muse, And make quires of bad Latin verses ! 41 Hackney-coachmen from Swift shall reply, if you feel Annoyed at being needlessly shaken ; And butchers, of course, be flippant from Steele, And pig-drivers well versed in Bacon From Locke, shall the blacksmiths authority crave, And gas-men cite Coke at discretion Undertakers talk Gay as they go to the Grave, And watermen Roue by profession." Among Hook's early associates, was old George Colman the younger ; and of the first evening spent in the society of that distinguished wit, the former used to give an amusing anecdote. They had been sitting together for some nours, and their potations the while had probably not been confined to that agreeable beve- rage " Which cheers but not inebriates ;" and to which, by the way, Hook " entertained the pro- foundcst objection," when the great dramatist, fixing his eyes upon his young companion, and ever and anon taking a sip from his glass, as he regarded him, began to mutter, "Very odd, very strange indeed! wonderful precocity of genius ! astonishing diligence and assiduity ! You must be a very extraordinary young man. Why, eir," he continued, raising his voice, " you can hardly yet have reached your twenty-first birthday. "I have just passed it," said the other, "vingt-un overdrawn." THEODOEE HOOK. 63 "Ah! very good," replied old Colman, "but, sir, pray tell me, how the d 1 did you contrive to find time to write that terribly long Eoman history ?" A similar story is told of Tom Moore, one drawing eomewhat less upon our credulity ; he was in a book- seller's shop at Paris, and his companion quitting him for a short time, to join a couple of handsome and fashion- able looking young ladies, who were engaged in turning over the )thia somewhat recondite, but doubtless, very inter jsting subject. 72 LIFE OP question, or at least to lower his tone to the level of meaner capacities, was the object of the two confederates. Hook selected a subject which, though not perhaps particularly abstruse to astronomers, he thought was a little out of his friend's line, the Precession of the Equi- noxes; and referring to the "Encyclopaedia Britanuica," learnt the entire article, a very long one, b} heart, with- out, however, stopping to comprehend a single sentence. Soup had scarcely been removed, when Cannon, as had been previously arranged, led the conversation round to the desired point and, availing himself of a sudden pause, drew the eyes of the whole party upon Mr. , whom he had already, with no little tact, contrived to entangle in the topic. The gentleman, as had been anti- cipated, happened not to be "up" in that particular branch of science; to plead ignorance was not to be thought of, and after a vague, and not very intelligible answer, he made an attempt to escape from the dilemma, by adroitly starting another question. His tormentors, however, were men cunning ot fence, and not to be easily baffled : Hook returned to the charge. " My dear sir, you don't seem to have explained the thing to ' the Dean,' with what commentators would call ' your usual acumen ;' everybody, of course, is aware that ' The most obvious of all the celestial motions is the diurnal revolution of the starry heavens,' &c." Here followed a couple of columns from the aforesaid disquisi- tion in the " Encyclopaedia Britannica:" "But," continued he, "you can doubtless put the thing in a much clearer light : I confess the ' Mutation of the axis, which changes also the longitudes and right ascension of the stars and planets, by changing the equi- noctial points, and thus occasioning an equation in the precession of the equinoctial point,' is a little beyond me." For some time Mr. parried the attack with con- siderable dexterity; but as the joke became obvious, others pursued it, and the victim was overwhelmed by inquiries relating to the " parallax of the earth's orbit ' " disturbing force and matter of the moon," &c., &c. r till he was compelled at length to forego all claim to infallibility, and throw himself on the mercy of the foe. TIIEODOBE HOOK. 73 It must be admitted of Cannon, that he did not always stop to consider the justice of his attacks ; when in an irritable mood, at the slightest provocation, or even in the absence of provocation, he would turn upon some unoffending individual, and direct a constant fire of sar- casm upon him during the whole evening. At a dinner, for example, given by Sir , a gentleman attached to the Court a message came down from the palace, and the host was compelled, in consequence, to quit his friends for an hour or two, while he remained in atten- dance upon the king. On his return to the table, Cannon, pointing to one of the Orders with which he was deco- rated, asked him what he called that thing ? " Why, you know as well as I do," was the reply ; " it is my Guelphic collar." " Oh," said Cannon, (taking an enormous pinch of snuff); " it's your collar, is it ? Ah ! you think yourself a very grand cretur, I dare say. Pray, did you ever read the fable of um two dogs ?" " If I have, it has escaped my memory just now," returned the host. " So I should think well, it is something of this sort : There was once a poor, little, thin cur, half-starved, and a leetle mangy or so ; and he met, as he was trotting across the fields, an old friend of his, a stout, plethoric- looking dog, with a glossy coat, and him tail curled over him back, like a gentleman." "Ah! Mr. Tray," says the poor little pup, "is that you ? Why, how sleek you look ! as for me it is much as 1 can do to keep skin and bone together." " Poor little devil!" says Tray, " come along with mo to my master's, and you'll soon look as plump as I do." So the two dogs trotted off together. " Well, but Mr. Tray," says his friend, after a while, "what is the matter with your neck? all the hair is rubbed off." " Oh ! that's nothing," says Tray, " it is only my collar." " Tour what /" says the little thin dog ; " your collar, what's that?" " Why, it is the collar my master puts on when he chains me up." 74 LIFE OF " Oh, then, your master chains you up sometimes, does he?" " Of course," says Tray. " Oh ! then you can't run and about and join your friends, and do um dandy whenever you like ? " " Why, not exactly," says Tray ; " that is" " Ah ! " says the other, " I wish you a wery good nrternoon I'd rather have my bone and liberty ;" and the little dog strutted oft' prouder than he had ever felt in his life, leaving his fat friend to go home to kennel. The "moral" was obvious enough; and, notwith- standing the good humour and good breeding with which the application was received, so palpable a nit produced a disagreeable feeling in the party, which Cannon took care to keep alive by perpetual recurrence to the collar mark. Even Hook came in at times for his share of Godfrey's severity ; the former having expressed a conviction that dreams were not the mere objectless workings of the brain they are commonly considered, but that signs and meanings were often conveyed to man by their medium. " See what it is to be a wit," replied Cannon, with an application to the never-failing box ;* " you will believe, my Hookums, anything you ought not, and nothing that you ought!" The following note, addressed by Cannon to one of his intimate friends, may serve to show how little his peculiarities of expression are exaggerated in the sketch in " Maxwell : " " Mr DEAR DlCKUMS, " Dr. Moss is all for Dulwich,t the circumstances * Cannon's receptacle for snuff was generally either the dirty piece of paper which originally enveloped his purchase, or some trumpery tin thing adorned with the representation of the " Jolly Sailor," &c. Mr. Croker having remonstrated, half in earnest and half in jest, at the production of such a piece of vulgarity at his table, was answered, " It suits my purpose very well, and I can't afford a better." Shortly afterwards, the Dean BO Cannon was called was presented, by his entertainer, with a handsome box, mounted with a cannon in gold upon the lid, and beneath, the motto " Non tine pulvcre." t Mr. Cannon, at this time, thought of standing for a vacant TIIEODOBE HOOK. 75 thereof suit me very well; salary paid quarterly and nothing to do. I had thought the election was pulling papers out of a hat, and the successful boy drew out one, on which ' Donum Dei' was written: if it depends on people, get their names, and I dare say we can get at them. I suppose six and eightpence is at the bottom of the thing, as of everything else, in this world : meanwhile, your zeal for me becomes you, although I do not see so strongly as you do, the necessity of my shewing my old face to the creturs. I can't run after them all over the town, but I have written (' ah ! written] you'll say stop a bit) to Linley, to ask him about it all. If intro- duction is necessary, he shall be the introducer. The Pope was too cool about it in his converse on Sunday. Whatever Linley thinks is right to be done, I'll awake and rise and do it. That I think will satisfy you. Did you send ' Intelligence ? ' it came to-night. 1 see your claw in it. Poetryums and Puffum Devilums. Do send me ' Valpergis,' by Twopenny, I will repay thee. Yours, always, DEANUMS." "March, 1831." In the hablu of composing, almost extemporaneously, beautiful airs and variations, to which he either supplied words himself, or adapted those of some relique of ancient minstrelsy, Cannon could rarely be induced to put poetry or accompaniment to paper. Those who ever heard him are not likely to forget the exquisite taste with which he used to sing the rare old ballad of " Bold Robin Hood, and the Bishop of Hereford," a performance quite unequalled in its way. The melody nas happily been preserved in the popular song of "The Old Maid,"* which Hook struck off, having frequently, but fruitlessly, begged Cannon to give to the public some version of his own. But the latter, though busy enough with his brain, exhibited, possibly with fear of the fate of his brother of Chatham before his eyes, a marvellous aversion from the pen and inkhorn. Of some half-dozen slipshod effusions fellowship at Dulwich College. The idea, we believe, was after- wards abandoned. * It was nearly all improvised one evening by Hook : each character is a portrait 7G LIFE OF of his Muse, which it must be confessed was rather of the " worst-natured," we subjoin a specimen, not that it is the best, but as being one no longer liable to give offence : THE DEAN. Once on a time there was a Dean Lord L made by mistake, For if he had known him as well as I, There never had been such a make. This Dean was a man about four feet high, With a skin like the skin of a toad, On his waistcoat before a collar he wore, Beautiful, red, and broad. Behind that red there beat a heart As black as a Dean's need be ; He talked of his " feelings," as many Deans da, But that was Hypocrisy. Two men of worth in their different states Did once to his choir belong, The first of these I call Tom for short, Jonathan t'other, for long. Poor Jonathan went his weary way To see his mother when dying ; Think you when Jonathan mourning came back He found the Dean a-crying ? Oh, no ! To Jonathan thus he said, " Your mother is under ground, But you've been away for many a day, I shall fine you forty pound." Poor Tom is dead around his grave His weeping comrades stay, But as to the Dean, he was not to be seen, His " feelings" kept him away ! Twas so he said but had poor Tom Been a lord, or anything higher, The Dean had been there, with mock visage o And his tears would have filled the choir. Beggars on horseback ride but one way, And this is our hope and desire, When Tom is happy with his music above May the Dean sit down stairs by the fire ! TIIEODOEE HOOK. 77 Or, by way of a piece of unparalleled nonsense, take the following IMPROMPTU. If dowp his throat a man should choose In fun, to jump or slide, He'd scrape his shoes against his teeth, Nor dirt his own inside. Or if his teeth were lost and gone, And not a stump to scrape upon, He'd see at once how very pat His tongue lay there, by way of mat, And he would wipe his feet on that/ Cannon, notwithstanding the personalities in which he too freely indulged, was a kindly-hearted man, and would have gone, grumbling of course all the way, a hundred miles to serve a friend ; instances, indeed, of a generosity almost romantic, and directly at variance with his acknowledged selfishness in trifles, have been recorded of him. " Les vertus se perdent dans Vinteret, comme les fleurs se perdent dans la mer," says some one, Cannon, at least, had the merit of affording an exception to the rule, by resolutely declining a considerable fortune freely offered, in favour of one who, though compara- tively a stranger to him, he judged to have a prior claim upon the donor ; that too at a time when he was himself Buffering not a little from straitened circumstances. Some slight trait of so redeeming a nature should have been preserved in drawing the character of Godfrey Moss. CHAPTER V. Love Matters. Adventures at Sunbury. The Rivals. "The Flower-pot." Visits to Taunton. Mr. Hook's engagement with Miss . " Lines from the Heart" Epigram. The Match broken off. In affaires de ceeur, properly so called, Theodore Hook was doomed to be unfortunate ; spite of the fascinating charms of his conversation, which softened the savage hearts of bailiffs and made men of war forgetful of the 78 LIFE OF stern duties of discipline, and what, perhaps, some of our readers may deem more inexplicable still, spite of his handsome figure and manly bearing, his mirthful smile, and his eye beaming with intellect and imagination, and (can we doubt it ?) skilled in all the " prone and speech- less dialect " of love, he failed in early life to win to his arms some fair partner, whose gentle influence might have controlled that prodigal nature, and have set his unmatched talents upon the compassing of high and ho- nourable ends. It was not to be so his wooing never prospered as with his first hero, luck was ever against him ; and who shall tell how much of that carelessness of living that ceaseless craving after excitement that marked his career, had origin in crushed hopes and a wrung heart ! Of the three courses which present themselves to the choice of an unhappy lover the suicidal or misanthropic, the rational, and the outrageous his hot and rebellious temperament, always at fever heat, prompted the adop- tion of the last. He wanted fixedness of purpose to struggle successfully with disappointed passion ; and as to listening to reason, as it is called, you might as well, to use his own expression, " wash Mount . Kt 11:1 with Gowland's Lotion, in the hopes of preventing an erup tion, as expect to extinguish the steady flame smoulder- ing in such a bosom." Still less, on the other hand, was he a man likely to abjure cravats, make parade of his miser}*, and, as was said of his old school-fellow Byron, to weep with the public and wipe his eyes with the press. Scarce a trace of this morbid feeling is discernible in his works; here and there an isolated passage might be found, which to those in the secret, would tell of bitter remembrances and sorrow unsubdued ; thus, in " Sayings and Doings:" " I once knew a lovely girl, all kindness, all gentleness, all goodness ; from her I parted in the midst of gaiety, and in a crowd of idlers who were participating in it. "We shook hands, and I left her I never saw her again. Had I known that I then beheld her for the last time, my heart would have burst." The first of his amatory adventures which we have been able to trace it was too transient and too extra- vagant to warrant a graver name had an issue not only THEODORE HOOK. 7^ unsuccessful, but ludicrous enough to have supplied an admirable " hit " for one of his own farces. In the course of his numerous suburban excursions, or possibly during his brief sojourn with Doctor Curtis, at Sunbury, he had become acquainted with a young lady, a resident in the neighbourhood, possessed of an amiable disposition and great personal attractions. Theodore was a favourite both with her family and herself, but her affections, unfortunately, were fixed upon another. Notwithstand- ing, however, the evident preference shewn to his rival, the young gentleman prosecuted his suit with all the ardour and blindness of eighteen. It was to no purpose that good-humoured hints were thrown out on the part of his inamorata, that highly agreeable as his society could not fail to be, another held that place in her regards for which he was in vain contending. He deter- mined to set all upon a single cast, and to throw himself, and whatever loose silver might be remaining from the proceeds of his last operetta, at the fair one's feet. On the day fixed for the final appeal, he found the ground already in the occupation of the enemy; and it was not till towards the close of the evening that an opportunity was to be snatched of making a formal proposal for the lady's hand : as might have been ex- pected, it was declined, firmly but kindly ; and off rushed the rejected swain, in a frenzy of rage, to his hotel, whither for the little village in those days boasted but of one he was soon followed by the successful candi- date, Mr. P . It so happened that, in addition to the contretemps or being lodged beneath the same roof, the rivals actually occupied adjoining chambers, and were separated from each other merely by a thin boarded partition : everything that passed in one apartment was consequently pretty distinctly audible in the next ; and the first sounds that greeted Mr. P on his arrival were certain strong objurgations and maledictions, in which his own name was constantly recurring, and which proceeded from the neighbouring room. Every now and then a boot-jack or a clothes-brush was hurled against the wall ; next a noise would be heard as of a portmanteau being kicked across the floor, accompanied by such epithets as might SO LIFE OP be supposed most galling and appropriate to a discomfited foe. Then a pause a burst of lamentation or an attempt at irony then again more invectives, more railing, more boot-jacks, and so on for half the night did the hapless lover continue to bewail the bad taste of women in general, and the especial \vant of discernment in his own mistress; and to heap bitter abuse and inflict imaginary chastisement upon the person of his more favoured opponent. Mr. P was a "Welchman, and for a moment the hot blood of the Tudors and Llewellyns bubbled up ; but " cool reflection at length came across :" the irresistible absurdity of the position struck with full force upon a mind rendered more than usually complacent by the agreeable assurances so lately received, and he threw himself on the bed in a fit of perfectly Homeric laughter. Early on the next morning Hook started for town ; but whether he ever learnt the perilous vicinity in which he had passed the few preceding hours, we know not. The anecdote reached us from a different quarter. During this period he was not so thoroughly engrossed by the anxieties of love, but that he found time and sufficient spirits for the indulgence of those lively pleasantries, which must doubtless have contributed much to recommend him to the favour of the lady's guardian, if not to her own. The name of the inn, " The Slower Pot," which was the scene of the absurd adven- ture just related, suggested one of these. There resided, it seems, at Sunbury, in a large house, an elderly gentle- man, a bachelor, of somewhat eccentric disposition, whose ruling passion was for his garden. This, albeit prodi- gality was by no means a besetting sin of the proprietor, was kept in the most admirable order, and decorated, re- gardless of expense, with a profusion of ornaments in the very height of suburban fashion leaden cupids, slate sun-diala, grottoes of oyster-shells and looking-glass, heaps of flint and overburned bricks, denominated rock- work, and beyond all, and above all, with a magnificent vase filled with a flaming cluster of fuchsias, geraniums, and a number of plants with brilliant blossoms and unut- terable names, which faced the entrance. Here, one fine afternoon, when the flowers had reached their acme of THEODORE HOOK. 81 refulgence, Mr. Theodore pulled up his dennet. A powerful tug at the bell brought a sort of half-gardener, naif-groom, to the gate in double-quick time. " Take the mare round to the stable, put her in a loose box, and rub her down well. I'll come and see her fed myself in a few minutes ; none of you rascals are to be trusted!" So saying, the young gentleman threw the reins to the domestic, marched leisurely along the broad, brown-sugar- looking walk, dexterously cutting off here and there an overgrown carnation with the lash of his driving-whip, and entered the hall. Giving another tremendous jerk to the bell-wire in passing, he walked into the dining- room, the door of wnich happened to be open, took up a magazine, and threw himself at full length upon the sofa. A tidily-dressed maid servant appeared at the summons. " Bring me a glass of brandy-and-water, my dear, and send ' Boots.' " "Boots,' and "brandy-and-water,' La, sir!" ex- claimed the astonished girl. " Tou may fetch me a pair of slippers yourself, if you like ; so make haste, and you shall have a kiss when you come back." Duped by the authoritative air assumed by the visitor, (it would be indecorous to suppose another motive) the attendant disappeared, and speedily returning with the slippers, observed, " If you please, sir, I have brought you a pair, but they are master's, and he is rather particular." " Particular ! Nonsense ! where's the brandy-and- water ?" " He never leaves out the spirits, sir ; he always keeps the key himself, sir, in his own pocket." " He must be a deuced odd sort of fellow, then : send him here immediately." " Master is dressing, sir ; he will be down directly," was the reply ; and, accordingly, after the lapse of a few minutes, Mr. made his appearance in full evening costume. " My good friend," commenced Hook, without raising his eyes from the paper, " allow me to observe, that the rules of jour establishment are a little inconvenient to Q 82 LIFE OF travellers : I have been here above a quarter of an hour, and have not been able to get so much as a glass of brandy-and-water bring one immediately hot ; and let me know what you have got for dinner." "I really beg your pardon," said old Mr , as soon as he coula find words ; I really beg your pardon, but I am quite at a loss " " So am I, my good man for a glass of brandy-and- water bring that, and another for yourself, and then I Kahll be happy to hear whatever you have to say." " But, sir, you must permit me to state " " I was never in such a detestable house in my life," i-xclaimed Hook, starting up ; " what do you stand chat- tering there for, instead of attending to my order : am 1 to be kept here starving all night ? Bring the brandy- and-water, d'ye hear." The old gentleman was struck positively speechless ; his face purpled, he seemed in imminent peril of choking with the sudden conflux of ire, indignation, and astonish- ment. "Why, the fellow's drunk!" pursued Theodore; "dis- gracefully drunk, at this time of day ! and in his own parlour, too ! I shall feel it my duty, sir, to lay a state- ment of this inexcusable conduct beiore the bench." Mr. sprang to the bell. " John Thomas turn this impudent scoundrel out of the house !" The arrival of the servants necessarily led to an expla- nation. Nothing could exceed Mr. Hook's regret ; what could be done ? what apology could be made f He was a perfect stranger to Sunbury ; had been directed to the li Flower Pot," as the inn affording the best accommoda- t ion ; and, on seeing what he imagined to be a gigantic representation of the sign in question at the garden- j, r ate, he had naturally entered, and acted upon that erroneous impression. This was the unkindest cut of all. To find a stranger reclining in full possession of his sofa and slippers, was bad enough ; to be treated as a dilatory innkeeper, was worse ; and to be taxed with insolence and intoxication, was still more trying to a gentleman of respectable character and excitable nerves ; but to hear the highest achievement of art he possessed the admira- tion of himself and friends, and the envy of all Sunbury, TJ1EODOBE HOOK. 83 %is darling vase, compared with which the " Warwick" and the " Barberini" were as common washpots to hear this likened to an alehouse sign, was a humiliation which dwarfed into insignificance all preceding insults. But as to whether Hook contrived to soothe the anger he had pro- voked, and to win a way, as was his wont, into the good graces of his victim or whether this last affront proved irremediable, and he was compelled to seek further enter- tainment for himself and horse at the "Flower Pot" minor, unfortunately our informant is at fault. "With respect to his love affair, any painful impression which the circumstance we have related may have left upon his mind was destined to be speedily obliterated by an attachment of a far more serious nature, one in which his deepest feelings were engaged, and one which was not unreturned by the object of his affections, one, too, which, had friends and fortune smiled, might happily have worked with the beat results upon his warm and generous nature, reclaiming him from habits now fixing an unresisted hold upon him, generating motives not only for industry but for providence, and proving the means of preserving him from years of suffering, sorrow, and remorse. Nearly a couple of years had elapsed, allowing ample lime for the first wound, which we take to have been but skin-deep, to have healed, when he was induced to visit Taunton, in Somersetshire, about 1810. Here, at the house of Mr. Woodforde, with whose sons he had con- tracted an intimacy in London, he was received with all the warmth of hospitality for which that gentleman was noted. The family happened to be large, the house cheerful, and the master never better pleased than when he saw his table filled, and especially by men of vivacity and genius. The avatar of such an incarnation of the spirit of fun as the youthful Theodore was naturally hailed with delight in so congenial a circle. His wit and pleasantry, supported by the extreme amiability of his disposition, rendered him, as they never failed to do, a general favourite. His visit was extended, repeated and repeated again. The time wore merrily on, and " softened remembrances" of those days, each worthy of its white atone," yet steal o'er the heart" of such of the denizens o 2 84 LIFE OF of Taunton, whose memory reaches back to Theodore Hook's sojourn amongst them. To him it was probably the happiest point of the happiest period of his life, and being so, was naturally fruitful in those burst of eccen- tricity which distinguished the early portion of his career ; many and mirthful are the legends rife in that neigh- bourhood, far and wide, of his adventures : the farmers of vet recount how, when the tithe-dinner was waxing dull, and the churchwarden prosy, he threw un- looked-for life into the party, on summoning them to witness the regatta he had contrived by launching their broad-brimmed, beavers upon the sea. Nor is the celebrated banquet (that should have been) at Taunton itself, forgotten, the surprise and anger of the host on the arrival at his house of some dozen unexpected guests, Theodore among the number his sudden dart at the author of the hoax, the sparkle of whose eye for ouco betrayed him, Hook's fall and pretended death, the an- guish and alarm of the supposed homicide, and his pro- portionate delight at seeing his tormentor spring from the floor on the approach of the surgeon, and disappear, harlequin-like, through the open window. Chapters might be filled with similar anecdotes ; and if we have appeared somewhat too free in our selection, it must be borne in mind that the buoyancy of spirit resulting in those daring feats of humour is one of the prime charac- teristics of the man, part and parcel of his very nature. But he was not destined to escape himself unscathed. Of all perilous places, there is none so fraught with dan- ger to the peace of a bachelor as a pleasant country- house. Hook never ceased to inculcate a truth so pain- fully attested by his own experience. Among the many agreeable visitors he was in the habit of meeting at the Woodfordes* were General F and his family, resi- dents in the neighbourhood. The General's wife had several very beautiful and fascinating daughters by a former husband, a captain in the navy, and it was to the youngest of these, Merelina, who to extreme youth, added the graces and accomplishments of her sisters, that Theo- dore yielded up his heart. Morning, noon, and evening were they thrown constantly together. The youug lady was passionately fond of music ; Theodore, we know, THEODORE HOOK. 85 played and sung beautifully, composing both words and accompaniment as his fingers passed over the instru- ment. She listened vrilh "a greedy ear" to the charm of the improvisatore, till wonder rose to admiration, and admiration kindled into love. How could it be otherwise ? We have been favoured with a few stanzas, written by Hook at this time, wherein the state of his affections is developed with sufficient plainness. Whatever degree of inspiration they may exhibit, they at least read in curious contrast with the more usual effusions of his muse. LINES FROM THE HEART. Sweet is the vale where virtue dwells, The vale where honest love invites, By margin'd brook or moss-grown cells, To taste its joys, its soft delights. Sweet is the vale where oft I've strayed Through tangled brake or meadow green ; Sweet are its groves and sweet its shade, The verdant vale of Tauuton Dean. If friends the way-worn stranger seeks, Whose kiudnes-, comfort can impart ; Here every tongue a welcome speaks, A home he finds in every heart. Nay, when I hear the cynic cry, No friendship in the world is seen, My fleeting thoughts to Taunton fly, For friendship dwells in Tauuton Dean. The bandage once from Cupid's eyes, By reason and by prudence drawn, The wanton God to Taunton flies To revel on its daisied lawn. For oh ! 'tis sure where Beauty plays Love in its ecstacy is seen ; His sight restored he onward strays, She holds her court in Tauutou Dean. And if amid the brilliant throng, One angel girl appears most fair, After his flight, would Love be wrong To claim her heart and settle there ? My Rosa's eye, her peach-bloom cheek. Her smile divine, her look serene, Command the God he dares not speak, But owns her sway in Taunton Dean. Q LIFE OF Grant me a cot wherein to live With such a girl, v\ ith friends so rare, No greater boon need Fortune give, Save what my wants might warrant there' 'Tis all I hope, 'tis all I seek, For there all bliss, all joy is seen ; In one short prayer, my wishes speak, To live, to die, in Taunton Dean. There does not appear to have been any attempt to* conceal the progress of this attachment ; at all events, it did not escape the observation of a certain elderly lady, who was also an inmate of Mr. Woodforde's mansion, and who, to judge from the tone of the following lines, written by way of answer to the above, seems to have wished the wooing well. We give them for the sake of the characteristic rejoinder, which the omission of a couple of letters in the transcribing provoked from Hook. In gentle Merelina's prase Young Edward sung in softest strains ; But such kind thoughts had oft been breathed To other Nymps, by other swains. This, that which proves her charms supreme, And in our minds exalts her more ; She won the peerless Edward's heart, Which no maid e'er could win before. On reading the above, and finding the wcrds praise and Nymph misspelt. In your lines there's a satire concealed, I discover, For in pinging the praise of your T. E. H. lover, By the way you have spelt it, a slight is committed, For in praising the youth, I find 1 quite omitted ; Your Nymph too is only a few degrees better, Though //is at best but an optional letter ; But really this nymph can ne er shine as my bride, If she goes through the world without // at her side. T. E. UOOK. But the lays neither of the " peerless Edward " him- self, nor of his poetic patroness availed to avert the fulmen that was impending. The proposed departure of the General and his family for Hampshire, rendered ne- cessary an avowal of attachment on the part of Theodore THfiODOBE HOOK. 87 but though the young lady exhibited no unwillingness to share the humble "cot at Taunton Dean," it was not pre- cisely the sort of establishment which Mrs. F had con- templated for her daughter. Hook, at the time,had no fixed income, no visible means of subsistence, not even the cot to offer. Under these circumstances, a formal veto was placed upon the engagement into which the youthful pair had a little rashly entered. Something like an idea of resistance to the parental mandate, seems to have been entertained at first ; if so, it was quickly abandoned, and the young lady induced to submit her case to the arbitration of a friend of the family, a barrister, and a man of unquestionable honour and discernment. The decision of this gentleman could but prove fatal to the hopes of the lovers ; the engagement was cancelled forthwith. The fair Merelina bade adieu to Tauntou, and a rather remarkable conclusion to the affair eventually married the referee, who, then undistinguished and unknown, was destined to arrive at one of the highest dignities attainable in his profession. This was not the last of Mr Hook's attachments, though it was, we believe, the only instance which ter- minated in a positive engagement ; his union with another lady, young, amiable, and in every way attrac- tive, was, at a somewhat later period, half anticipated by his family. His brother, and his excellent sister-in-law, who ever took the warmest interest in his welfare, were most anxious to see him respectably settled, and would have given their cordial assent to the match ; what inter- posed to disappoint their wishes, and to launch him again rudderless upon the stream of life, we know not. Later still, after his return from the Mauritius, an opportunity is said to have offered itself to him of forming an eligible alliance with one who became subsequently the wife of a member of a noble house ; but other bonds, gathering daily accassion of strength and weight, were upon him, fettering his affections, and silencing his tongue ; and all hope of a happy marriage was, henceforward, at an end. 88 LIFE OF CHAPTEE VI. Mr. Hook appointed Treoaurer to the Mauritius. His Dislike to Dancing. Paper on the Subject. Duel with General Thornton. "Lionizing" Port Louis. Colonial Delicacies. A Public Dinner. Epigram. Departure of Governor Farquhar, and its Consequences to Mr. Hook. UP to this date, 1812, Theodore Hook had been almost, if not entirely, dependent upon his pen for pecuniary supplies ; his father was in no condition to assist him ; and at the rate of two or three farces a year, which seems to have been about the average of his productions, an income could scarcely have been realized by any means commensurate with the expenses of a fashionable young gentleman "upon town;" debts began to accumulate, and he had already resorted to the pernicious expedient of raising money upon his "promise to write," (a draught upon the brain, honoured, on at least one occasion, by Mr. Harris, the manager of Covent Garden), when he was presented with an appointment which promised to place him in easy circumstances for the remainder of his life that of Accountant- General and Treasurer at the Mauritius, worth about 2,000 per annum. How, indeed, a trust of such importance came to be confided to a young man utterly unversed in the common routine of an office, and whose habits were far from being such as would guarantee any very extraordinary applica- tion to the details of business, it is unnecessary to in- quire. It is said, " les femmes peuvent tout, parcequ'elles ffouvernent leg personnes qui gouvernent tous," and Hook was, we know, a prime favourite with " the fair of May 1'air." He had certainly as yet but little legitimate claim upon the notice of Government, and we can scarcely suppose that any feeling of that particular species of gratitude, defined to be a lively sense of favours to come, could have led to so remarkable a disposal of patronage. With an evident spice of autology, he says, in describing one of the prominent characters in " Sayings and Doings," that being " full of anecdote, with an elegant mind, good taste, and great readiness, he was naturally sought, courted, and admired; the consequence of which was, that his retire- THEODORE HOOK. 89 ment in Garden-court was seldom visited out of term, and by degrees the disinclination he felt to the prosecu- tion of his profession, grew into absolute disgust. His talent, however, was not to be subdued or overcome ; it was of that commanding nature which ensures success ; and never did man in the outset of life meet with a greater share of good fortune than our hero. He had secured amongst his friends men of power and interest, and at eight-aud-twenty found himself possessed of an office worth a couple ot thousand pounds per annum." The main difference between the two cases being, that the true man outstripped the fictitious, in the race of promotion, by about four years. It was not, however, till October, 1813, that, after a long but agreeable voyage, he entered upon his duties at the Mauritius. It so happened that the island, which had been captured from the French in 1811,* had been since that time under the control of Mr. (afterwards Sir R. J.) Farquhar, who, as Governor, united in his own person all the executive and legislative powers. Nothing could have been more favourable to the young official than this circumstance, Mr. Farquhar being not only esteemed throughout the colonv, on account of his judgment, moderation, and affability, but being also connected with Dr. James Hook, by the latter' s marriage with his sister. The reception which met Theodore on his arrival was as encouraging as could have been wished, and his own convivial qualities and agreeable manners soon made him as popular among the elite of Port Louis, as he had been in the fashionable and literary circles of London. In a letter addressed to his old friend, Mathews, about a couple of years after his establishment in what he terms " this paradise, and not without angels," he gives a most spirited and joyous account of his general mode of life, and of the social resources of the island : " "We have," says he, " operas in the winter, which sets in about July ; and the races, too, begin in July. We have an excellent beef-steak club, and the best Free- mason's lodge in the world. We have subscription voncerts and balls, and the parties in private houses here * It was finally ceded to Great Britain in 1814, on the restora- tion of Louis XVIII. to the tnrone of France. 90 LIFE OF are seldom less than from two to three hundred. At the last ball given at the government-house, upwards of seven hundred and fifty ladies were present, which, con- sidering that the greater proportion of the female popu- lation are not admissible, proves the number of inhabit- ants, and the extent of the society. "I dare say some of my fat-headed friends in that little island where the beef grows, fancy that I am making a fortune, considering that I am Treasurer and Accouutant-General ! Fresh butter, my dear fellow, is ten shillings per pound ; a coat costs thirty pounds Eng- lish ; a pair of gloves fifteen shillings ; a bottle of claret (the best) tenpence ; and pine-apples a penny apiece. Thus, you see, while the articles necessary to existence are exorbitant, luxuries are dirt cheap, and a pretty life we do lead. Breakfast at eight always up by gun-fire, five o'clock ; bathe and ride before breakfast ; after break- fast lounge about ; at one have a regular meal, yclept a tiffin, hot meat, vegetables, &c. ; and at this we generally sit through the heat of the day, drinking our wine and munching our fruit. At five, or half-past, the carriages come to the door, and we go either in them or in palan- quins to dress ; which operation performed, we drive out to the race-ground, and through the Champ do Mars, the Hyde Park Lane, till half-past six ; come into town, and at seven dine ; when we remain till ten or eleven, and then join the French parties, as there is regularly a ball somewhere or other every night ; these things blended with business, make out the day and evening."* The amount of business blended with these things was it is to be feared, disproportionately small ; the grievous calamity that subsequently overtook him, the whole host of ills and sorrows that followed after and weighed him down prematurely to the grave, were solely attributable to the culpable and dangerous habit of trusting business entirely to subordinates. As for the lighter occupations of which he speaks, and which, considering the degree of intimacy with him in which Mathews stood, and the absence of all apparent motive to play the hypocrite, may surely be taken as a fair sample of his mode of life ; they Life of Mathews, vol. iL THEODORE IIOOK. 91 seem blameless enough, and certainly afford no indica- tions of the recklessness and profligacy ascribed to him by his enemies. How, indeed, he managed to undergo the regular suc- cession of balls we cannot pretend to guess ; dancing, in all its phases, he abhorred "the greater the fool the better the dancer," was a maxim, the truth of which ho would at all times, and in all places, most stoutly main- tain. Denunciations against the indecent exhibitions on the stage, and the scarcely less objectionable introduction of the waltz into private life, are rife throughout his pages. But it was his fate ever to war with giants ; Reform and Railroads Ballet and Emancipation of the Blacks, have held their sway, with what profit to the community need not here be discussed spite of the grey goose quill, telitm imbelle, of the satirist. But whatever opinion may be entertained of his political vaticinations, the following remarks, quite as applicable now, or even more so than when originally penned, may possibly meet with a favourable reception from gentlemen (not being subscribers to the " Omnibus Box"), on either side of the " house" : " Now, not being at this present writing in love with any opera dancer, we can see with ' eyes unprejudiced,' that the performances to which we allude (ballets) are in the highest possible degree objectionable as referring to taste, and disgusting as relating to decency. " First, then, as to taste nobody upon earth, w& should think, can be bold enough to assert that the horizontal elevation of the female leg and the rapid twist- ing of the body the subsequent attitude and expansion of the arms are graceful we mean merely as to dancing. No man certainly, except those whose intellects and appetites are more debased than those of men in general, can feel either amusement or gratification in such aa exhibition. " Woman is so charming, so fascinating, so winning, and so ruling by the attractions which properly belong to- her by her delicacy her gentleness and, her modesty that we honestly confess, whenever we see a lovely girl doing that which degrades her, which must lower her even in her own estimation, we feel a pang of regret,. 12 LIFE OF and lament to find conduct applauded to the very echo which reduces the beautiful creature before us to a mere animal in a state of exhibition. " But if there really be men who take delight in the '* lonici motus* of the Italian Opera, surely our own women should be spared the sight of such indelicacies : nothing which the Roman satirist mentions as tending to destroy the delicate feelings of the female sex, could possibly be worse than those which week after week may be seen in the Haymarket. " We have strenuously attacked, for its unnatural indecency, the custom of dressing actresses in men's attire upon the English stage, but a lady in small clothes is better on a public theatre than a lady with no clothes at all. " We are quite ready to admit, without in the smallest degree lamenting, the superiority of foreigners over the natives of England in the art and mystery of cutting capers, and if the ladies and gentlemen annually imported jumped as high as the volteurs in POTIER'S ' DAN AIDES' at the Porte St. Martin neither would our envy nor our grief be excited, but we certainly do eye with mistrust and jealousy the avidity with which ' foreign manners,' * foreign customs,' and ' foreign morality,' are received into our dear and much loved country. " While custom sanctions the nightly commission of waltzing in our best society, it perhaps is only matter of consolation to the matrons who permit their daughters to be operated upon in the mysteries of that dance to see that women can be found to commit grosser indeli- cacies even on a public stage. "A correspondent of the "Spectator," in the 67th Number, Vol. I, describes accurately under another name the mechanical part of the Foreign Waltz of these days, and says : ' I suppose this diversion was first invented to keep up a good understanding between young men and women ; but I am sure, had you been here, you would have seen great matter for speculation.' "We say so now but the waltz has proved a lad speculation to the very dowagers who allow it to be committed ; for as can be proved bv reference to fashion- able parish registers, there have been fewer marriages THEODORE HOOK. 9$" in good society by one half, annually upon the average, since the introduction of this irritating indecency into- England. " If, therefore, the public dances at the King's Theatre are looked at, merely as authorities for the conduct of private balls, the matter is still worse ; but we have too high an opinion of our country-women in general to think this of them, and we are sure that we are speaking the sentiment of the most amiable and the most charming when we raise the voice of rebuke against the dress and deportment of the Italian Corps de Ballet. " One advocate we are certain to have in the person of an old gentlewoman next to whom we sat last Saturday se'nnight, who clearly had never been at the Opera during the whole course of her long and doubtlessly respectable life, till that very evening. "When the ballet commenced, she appeared delighted; but when one of the principal females began to elevate- her leg beyond the horizontal, she began evidently to fidget, and make a sort of see-saw motion with her head- and body, in pure agitation ; at every lofty jump I heard her ejaculate a little ' Oh !' at a somewhat lengthened pirouette, she exclaimed, sotto voce, ' Ah ! ' with a sigh ; but at length when a tremendous whirl had divested the- greater part of the performer's figure of drapery the band ceasing at the moment to give time to the twirl the poor old lady screamed out I 0hla!' which was heard all over the house, and caused a shout of laughter at the expense of a poor, sober-minded Englishwoman, whose nerves had not been screwed up to a sufficiently fashionable pitch to witness what she saic was a perfect, but thought must have been an accidental exposure, of more of a woman's person than is usually given to the gaze of the million. " Witlings and whipsters, dandies, demireps, and dancers, may rank us with our fat friend in the tabby silk, to whom we have just referred, if they please ; but we will always run the risk of being counted unfashion- able rather than immoral. " So few people moving in the world take the trouble of thinking for themselves, that it is necessary to open their eyes to their own improprieties ; the natural answer- D4 LIFE or to a question, ' How can you suffer your daughters to witness such exhibitions ?' is, ' Why every body else goes, why should not they ?' And then, the numerous avoca- tions of an opera-house evening divert the attention from the stage. True ; but there is a class of women differently situated, who are subject to the nuisance, merely because those who do not care about it are indifferent to its cor- rection ; we mean the daughters and wives of respectable aldermen and drysalters, and tradesmen of a superior class, who are rattled and shaken to the Opera once or twice in the season, in a hackney-coach, and come into the pit all over finery, with long straws abstracted from * their carriage,' sticking in their flounces. " Who is there that does not know that the Lady Patronesses of ALMACK'S have interdicted pantaloons, tight or loose, at their assemblies? We have seen a MS. instruction (which, alas ! never teas printed) from this mighty conclave, announcing their fiat in these words : ' Gentlemen will not be admitted without breeches and stockings I" 1 " No sooner was this mandate, in whatever terms the published one was couched, fulminated from King Street, than the ' lean and slippered pantaloon* was exterminated, and, as the Directresses directed, ' short hose ' were the order of the day. " If the same lovely and honourable ladies were to take the Opera House under their purifying control, and issue, in the same spirit at least, an order that ' Ladies will not be permitted to appear without ' (whatever may be the proper names for the drapery of females) we are quite convinced that they would render a great sen-ice to society, and extricate the national character from a reproach which the tacit endurance of such gross- nesses has, in the minds of all moderate people, unfor- tunately cast upon it at present." "John Bull," 1823. This contempt of dancing and dancers, which, in so young a man, is almost as remarkable as his subsequent antipathy to the stage, proved the means of involving Mr. Hook, quite at the outset of life, in a quarrel with no less a personage than the well-known General Thorn- ton (the original, it is said, of Mathew's Major Long- THEOEOBE HOOK. 95 toow), from which he extricated himself in the usual way, with great eclat, and what is the fashion to term honour. He had let fall it appears, at an assembly, some expres- sions derogatory to the amusement in question, to which the General, who was himself waltzing most vigorously, and accidentally overheard them, replied in terms of uncalled-for personality ; the latter was, in consequence, compelled by Theodore to quit the apartment, but thought fit speedily to return and resume the dance, without taking further notice of the affront. Such conduct, what- ver might have been its motive, not unnaturally led to a demonstration of surprise on the part of the other, which rendered further forbearance impossible. The General was compelled to demand a species of " satisfaction," which was very readily accorded ; the parties met, Hook attended by a worthy baronet, and exchanged shots, without other effect than to elicit the fullest approbation of the courage and self-possession of the youthful com- batant; so youthful in feelings as well as years, that while the salons of London were resounding with praises of his gallantry, he was busily engaged in mock renewals of the fight with his brother's children, beneath the walnut-trees of Hertingfordbury. Of Mr. Hook's pursuits at the Mauritius, few par- ticulars, save those given in the letter to Mathews, already quoted, have reached us: they were probably not far dissimilar in spirit from those in which he had indulged at home; at least an anecdote or two corroborative of the " solum non animum mutant" &c., which we have heard him relate, would lead to such an inference. One of these bore reference to the reception with which a respectable family, that had been recommended to his notice by some common friend in England, was greeted on its arrival at the island. Hook was, of course, all kind- ness and hospitality an invitation to La Keduite, a country retreat belonging to the Governor, and at which the Treasurer also occasionally resided, was immediately forwarded to the strangers. Equally, as a matter ot" course, their agreeable host took upon himself the task of "lionizing" the neighbourhood; and more especially of pointing out to their observation the beauties, archi- tectural and otherwise, of Port Louis. 96 LIFE or For this purpose, the morning following that of debar- cation was selected. The town at that period, and it has received but few additions since, was of moderate extent, stretching something in the shape of an amphitheatre almost three miles along the coast, and bounded inland at a distance scarcely exceeding half a mile, by an open space called the " Champ de Mars." Along this narrow slip, the streets of which are straight and laid out at right angles after the French fashion, did Mr. Hook conduct his new acquaintances; up one lane, down another, along the Rue Marengo, by the Government House, backwards and forwards, right and left, till every building of the least pretensions to importance had been visited by every possible mode of approach, and on each occasion honoured with a different name and fresh his- tory. The Joss House was multiplied by six ; the old East India Company barracks did duty for public asylums for lunatics, or private residences of the Queen of Mada- gascar ; churches, prisons, the Royal College and theatre, were examined again and again, and so on till the miserable party, completely fatigued with the extreme heat, and seeing no symptoms of a termination to the walk, pleaded inability to proceed. One ventured to observe, that though of a much greater size than the view from the harbour would have led him to suppose, the town exhibited a singular sameness of stvle in the prin- cipal edifices. "A natural thing enough in an infant colony," suggested Hook. The prospect of a luxurious " tiffin " which was await- ing their return, served in some manner to restore the spirits of the travellers, and they took their seats with a full determination of doing ample justice to the far-famed delicacies of the island. The first course presented to the eyes of the astonished but still unsuspecting strangers, comprised nearly every species of uneatable that could be got together. An enormous gourd graced the centre of the table, strange de-appetizing dishes were placed around, and in turn pressed upon the attention of the guests. "Allow me to offer you a little cat-curry," exclaimed the host ; " there is an absurd prejudice against these things in Europe I know, but this I can really recom- THEODORE HOOK. 97 mend; or, perhaps, you would prefer a little devilled monkey ; that is, I believe, a dish of fried snakes opposite you, Mr. J ." Mr. J recoiled in alarm. ' Hand those lizards round, they seem particularly fine." Nastiness after nastiness was proffered in vain; the perplexed Cockneys struggled hard to maintain a decent composure, but with difficulty kept their ground before the unsavoury abominations. AVhat was to be done ! it was clearly the cuisine de pays, and the host appeared evidently distressed at their want of appreciation of his fare. One gentleman at length, in sheer despair, thought he " tcould just try a lizard." " Pray do so," eagerly returned Hook ; " you will find the flavour a little peculiar at first, I dare say ; but it is astonishing how soon it becomes pleasant to the palate." But however rapidly a taste for the saurian delicacy might be acquired, the adventurous individual in question was not destined to make the experiment. In endeavour- ing to help himself to one of those unpromising dainties, the tail became separated from its body it was too much for his nerve turning a little pale, he pushed aside his plate, and begged to be excused. Since the celebrated "feast after the manner of the ancients," such a collation had never been put down before hungry men : the jest, however, waa not pushed to extremes, a second course succeeded; and, on the choice viands of which it con- sisted, the guests proceeded to fall with what appetite they might. Equally absurd, though perhaps hardly becoming the dignity of a treasurer and accountant-general, was a piece of pleasantry played off at the expense of the authorities of the island ! It was on the occasion of a public dinner given at the Government House, and at which the governor himself, confined by ill-health to his country residence, was unable to be present. The officer next in mnk was, therefore, called upon to preside ; but whether from the soup, or the fish, or the cucumber if there hap- pened to be any disagreeing with him, or from what- ii 98 LIFE OF ever cause, he was compelled to quit the banquet at an early hour, and was conveyed, utterly incapable of either giving or receiving any command, to his quarters. The task of occupying the chair, and proposing the remainder of the loyal and usual toasts, now devolved on Hook ; and, as each separate health was given and duly signalled, it was responded to by an immediate salute from a battery in the square below, according to special orders. The appointed list having been gone through, the greater portion of the company departed ; but the chairman, so far from showing any disposition to quit his post, begged gentlemen "to fill their glasses, and drink a bumper to that gallant and distinguished officer, Captain DobBs," up went the signal bang! bang! bangf roared the artillery. "Lieutenant Hobbs" followed, with the same result. "Ensign Snobbs," and bang! bang ! bang ! greeted the announcement of his name. Quick as the guns could be reloaded, up again went the signal, and oft' went his majesty's twenty-fours, to the honour, successively, of every individual present, soldier, or civilian. In vain the subaltern on duty, who had expected at the termination of the accustomed formalities to oe permitted to join the party, sent up a remonstrance. The direc- tions he had received were as imperative as those deli- vered by Denmark's king : " Let the kettle to the trumpet speak, The trumpet to the cannoneer without, The camion to the heavens the heaven to earth." Such a bombardment had not been heard since the capture of the island, and it was not till the noisy com- pliment had been paid to cook and scullion, who were summoned from the kitchen to return thanks in propria pcrsond, and the powder as well as patience of the indig- nant gunners were exhausted, that the firing ceased. Something in the shape of a reprimand was talked of, but as, after all, the principal share of blame was not to be attached to the facetious deputy, the affair was per- mitted to rest. Of hia improvisations at this period, a stanza of one THEODORE HOOK. 99 in which the names of the company seem to have fur- nished, each, the subject of an epigram, is extant ; it runs as follows : " We have next Mr. Winter, assessor of taxes, I'd advise you to pay him whatever he axes, Or you'll find, aud 1 say it without any flummery, Tho' his name may be Winter, his actions are summery? In the year 1817, continued ill-health compelled Governor Farquhar to return for a time to England, and his place was supplied in the first instance by Major- General Hall, an offcer in many respects the very reverse of his predecessor. A certain want of courtesy and abruptness of manner, presenting as they did so unfa- vourable a contrast to the kind and polished demeanour of Mr. Farquhar, added to the extreme severity of his administration, soon rendered him unpopular throughout the colony. " His seizure," observes Mr. Pridham, " of the foreign vessels in Port Louis, under the pretence that they had contravened the navigation laws, met with opposition even from the officers of government, who were in consequence superseded by him, but subsequently re-instated by the Home Government. The measures adopted to ensure the due observance of the laws relating to the suppression of the Slave Trade rendered him no less obnoxious. Arrests and deportations rapidly suc- ceeded each other. The procureur-general was sus- pended, in consequence of his declining to support a course so extreme ; and so general became the dissatis- faction that Major- General Hall was recalled at the expi- ration of the year." Meanwhile, however unsatisfactory the appointment of this gentleman might have been to the great body of the colonists, to Hook the change proved particularly disagreeable. In Mr. Farquhar he lost not only an in- dulgent superior but a kind friend; in his successor he found neither ; nor was it long ere an act which, sanc- tioned though it might have been by custom, was undoubtedly illegal, drew upon him severe censure from the new deputy governor. Having been in a great measure forced into a quarrel with one of his associates, a hostile meeting in the " Champ de Mars," terminating 11 2 100 LIFE OF happily without bloodshed, was the consequence. On the affair reaching the ears of General Hall, he sent immediately for Mr. Hook, and having commented upon the offence in terms somewhat more severe than the latter deemed warrantable, told him that a repetition of it would be visited with instant dismissal from office, and with the infliction of such further penalties as the law pro- vided. I nm determined," he added, " at all cost to put down duelling." "But, sir," pleaded the delinquent, "constituted as society is, there are occasions when the vindication of one's character renders the ' Gothic appeal to arms' as necessary as defence of the person would do." " Such occasions must be avoided," replied the Go- vernor. " But," continued the other, " it is not always in a man's power to avoid insult, suppose, for example, a person were to address you yourself publicly, and say that he thought you were a meddling impertinent upstart, wh:it course would be left for you to pursue ?" " I can't conceive such a case possible, sir," was the reply. " Can't you, indeed," replied Hook, " I can very, I wish you good morning." Such a tone was not exactly calculated to conciliate a man of General Hall's disposition, and we view accord- ingly with less surprise the very decided, not to say harsh, line of conduct that gentleman thought fit to adopt towards Hook, on the termination of the examination, then pending, of the Treasury Chest. THEODOBE HOOK. 101 CHAPTER VII. The Mauritius. Transfer of the Government to General Hall. Committee appointed to Examine into the State of the Public Chest. Allan's Accusation of Mr. Hook. A second Committee Appointed, Discovery of a large Deficit Mr. Hook's Arrest. His Voyage to England. Favourable Opinion of the Attorney- General. Mr. Hook Arrested as a Debtor to the Crown. His Appeal to Lord Liverpool. Final Decision of the Audit Board. Analysis of the Charges. Mr. Hook's Defence. OF the unhappy result of the inquiry alluded to in the foregoing chapter, and of the mysterious particulars con- nected with it, we cannot undertake to give more than a brief and summary account; still less can we hope to succeed in reconciling contradictions, sifting evidence, and elucidating difficulties, the consideration of which occupied a board, composed of men of the highest abili- ties and legal attainments, thoroughly conversant with the intricacies of colonial finance (upon which many of the questions hinge), and possessing access to every possible source of information, during a space of five years, and which to the last seems to have baffled their penetration. That Mr. Hook was equally unable to throw light upon the affair, appears on the face of his own examinations, and was, in fact, totidem verbis, ad- mitted by himself; nor can we find any cause whatever to doubt the absolute truth of the assertion. "VVe shall endeavour, nevertheless, to lay before the reader a short statement of the leading facts, and of the impression produced on us by a careful and dispassionate perusal of the various documents relating to the case, kindly per- mitted by the authorities of the Treasury. It must be premised, that in the year 1813, Mr. Theodore Hook, a young man whose education and habits, up to that time, had been such as hardly to qualify him for the common business of an accomptaut's ottice, entered upon the complicated duties of Treasurer to a distant colony ; it must be remembered, moreover, that the island and its dependencies had but recently some two years previously fallen under the dominion of 102 LIFE OF the British crown ; that its revenue was, and must have been in a state, more or less, of confusion, which, as it happened, was materially increased by the insufficiency and variable value of the currency, and would present pecu- liar obscurities and embarrassments, in addition to the ordinary difficulties of the situation; and further, it is to be borne in mind, that the whole of Mr. Hook's clerks and assistants were appointed by government and not by him, and were in some cases and this is a matter of some importance men of colour, with whom, from the prevalent prejudice, not even a white servant could be induced to associate. Up to November, 1817, everything went on smoothly enough, when, on the departure of Governor Farquhar, in consequence of ill-health, a committee was named jointly by him and General Hall, the Commander of the Forces, and who, as has been stated, succeeded him as acting Governor, to examine into the state of the Trea- sury, with a view to the transfer of all pecuniary respon- sibility from the former to the latter officer, 'this com- mittee comprised five officials, who, from the nature of their appointments, civil and military, would be con- sidered most competent for the task allotted to them ; and in their report, dated November 19th, which dis- tinguishes, with much particularity, every description of value in the chest, a full discharge was given to Mr. Hook up to the date of the transfer of the Treasury to the new Government. But here, at the very outset, occurs a specimen of those extraordinary inconsistencies and contradictions in which the whole affair is involved. The audit in question, which would naturally be, and which was in the first instance declared to be, of a more complete and graver nature than usual, was subsequently pronounced by the very same individuals to have been a short hurried examination, and regarded at the time as a mere matter of form ; an assertion hardly reconcilable with the details of that proceeding as given by Mr. Hook, and left uncoutradicted by his accusers. "At the time of the 'transfer," he says, "the chief secretary of the Government sat at one end of a table at the other end I sat, with the box containing the vouchers. On either side the table sat the other mem- THEODORE HOOK. 103 bers of the commission ; the chief secretary held in his hand the list of vouchers, and, as he called it over, the voucher named was handed by me to the member on my left hand, who, having examined it, handed it round to every member, who examined it also, till it was finally returned to me. It was after this minute examination the committee proceeded to the cash-room ; and after taking every measure they thought fit, without let or hindrance from me, they signed a certificate, now in the hands of the Audit Board, that they had examined the vouchers, the balance, and the treasury, and that not only the balances were correct as to the accounts, but that they were correct as to the amount in hand."* Hurried or not, no suspicion appears to have been entertained of the accuracy of the report until about two months afterwards, when Mr. Allan (a black man), who was chief clerk in Mr. Hook's office, and who, it is to be observed, had previously fallen under his superior's dis- pleasure from official irregularities, and been threatened, in consequence, with dismissal, addressed a letter to General Hall, stating the " fact of the inipropriation of the public money" by Mr. Hook, consequent upon an omission to debit himself with the sum of 37,150 dollars {about 9000), received by him as treasurer in December, 181(3. Of this omission, Allan admitted himself to have been aware for a period of about fifteen months, declaring that he had contented himself with pointing it out to Mr. Chaillet, Mr. Hook's assistant. Here, however, he was met with a flat denial on the part of that individual, who attested further that the falsified account was actually in Allan's own hand-writing, and made out entirely by him. In a second letter to the governor, Allan, whose style and phraseology are all along peculiar, and at last utterly incoherent, laments, in terms of great anxiety and regret, the step he has taken, and evinces considerable appre- hension of " injurious personal consequences" from the disclosure he has made. A third letter followed, dated January 28th, 1818, betraying still more decided marks of derangement; and, among other things, a statement, utterly and entirely refuted, of a tender on the part of * " Letter from Theodore Hook to the Lords of the Treaaurr " April 12th, 1822. 104 LIFE OF Hook to provide him an allowance of twenty-five dollars* a month, " on the condition of his leaving the colony, by the earliest and first opportunity that might offer." In consequence of these communications, General Hall appointed a second committee, " for the purpose of ex- amining the books of the treasury department, as well as the state of the chest," &c., who commenced their duties on the llth of February, by taking the evidence of Allan. Other matters intervening, his further examination was postponed for several days, and before it could be re- sumed, viz., on the 21st, he destroyed himself, having, in the interval, given unequivocal proofs of a mind labour- ing under the influeuce of wild and extravagant insanity. The commissioners, meanwhile, were actively pursuing their investigations, the results of which not only con- firmed the fact of the omission in the accounts to which their attention had been called, but exhibited an actual deficit in the contents of the chest, to no less a sum than 02,717 dollars. On the 24th of February, Hook stoutly protesting that " the deficiency was one which could not, in the nature of human possibility, exist its magnitude put it out of the question," was suspended from his office ; and, after undergoing several viva voce examina- tions before the commissioners, in the course of which it was made clear, not less to his own consternation than to the surprise of others, that an enormous balance against him did exist, with respect of which he was unable to- suggest the slightest explanation or clue ; he was finally taken into custody on the 1st of March. Of the consequent degradations and miseries to which he was unnecessarily, if not illegally subjected, we give the particulars nearly in his own words. He was, he states, in his Tetter to the Lords of the Treasury, dragged from a friend's house in Port Louis, at eleven o'clock at night, and taken first to his own residence, then hurried by torchlight at midnight to the common dungeon, his sen-ant being allowed, as a favour, to carry a mattress for him to sleep upon. On his arrival at the prison, the jailor having represented that, in consequence of the effects of the dreadful hurricane of the preceding night, there was no cell habitable, he was, after remaining there until nearly three o'clock in the morning, " from physical necessity," admitted to bail, and permitted to remain, T11EODOBE IIOOK. 105 under the surveillance of a French police, at the house of a gentleman who had accompanied him : a proceeding by the way, pleasantly described by the Colonial Attor- ney-General as simply taking " tin cautionnement pour la representation de sa personnel At the sametime, an Extent was issued against his property; a measure which the judges charged with its execution seem to have considered so extreme, that they evinced an unwillingness to adopt it, save with his own consent, which, however, was given at once, and unhesi- tatingly. The proceeds of the sale of every article he possessed, amounted to 3,407 ; and he was sent on board deprived of every comfort, and almost without the necessaries or decencies of life. To such extremity, in- deed, was he reduced, that he was indebted to a servant, of whom he speaks in terms of no ordinary gratitude, for the restoration of a small writing-case, purchased at the unction for ten shillings! On the 22nd of April, having been delivered into the hands of a military guard, under the command of Captain Pritchard of the 56th Eegt., who treated him with every possible kindness and indulgence, he set sail for England. The passage was tedious and dangerous.* For a mouth they suffered off the Cape of Good Hope a tremendous gale of wind, in which all the privations of short allow- ance, and the prospect of utter starvation, were lost in the more pressing horrors of the danger of foundering at sea ; for six weeks he had no other sustenance than half a pound of mouldy biscuit and half a pint of water per diem. At the expiration of nine melancholy months, including a stay at the Cape, whence he addressed an appeal to Earl Bathurst, he returned to England, " with- out one penny upon the face of the earth." And yet, such is the conciliatory effect of long association, that- even he, " Regained his freedom with a sigh." * Here (at St. Helena) he encountered the late Lord Charles Somerset, on his way to n.s.-nmic the governorship of the Cape. Lord Charles, who had met him in London occasionally, and knew nothing of his arrest, said, " I hope you are not going home for- your health, Mr. Hook." "Why,"' said Theodore, "I am sorry to Bay, they think there is something wrong in the chut." Quarterly Rericit:, vol. Ixxiii. p. 73. 100 LIFE OF lie observes, in one of his novels published not Ion? afterwards : " To see a person, or to visit a place, or to quit it for the last time, is at best a melancholy business, even though the person be indifferent, or the place in itself uninteresting. I remember feeling a regret in leaving, avowedly for the ' last time,' an inconvenient cabin in an ill-found ship, at the close of a tedious voyage, full of dangers and difficulties, cares and anxie- ties." The moment he arrived at Portsmouth, the Attorney and Solicitor-General having previously pronounced that there were no grounds to sustain any kind of criminal proceedings against him, he was released from custody a decision which certainly serves to shew that the severity with which he had been treated, was no less unwarranta- ble, than it would appear uncalled-for. He lost no time in repairing to London, where he was immediately, January 19, 1819, summoned to appear before the Board of Colonial Audit, and submitted to a series of distracting examinations, viva voce and other- wise, recurring at brief intervals, during a period of three years. At first, a balance appeared against him amount- ing to about 15,OOOJ. This, on the singularly fortunate appearance of an important witness, was reduced to 12,885J., and a report shewing this result and the evi- dence on which it was founded, was presented to the Lords of the Treasury in the autumn of 1821, and sub- mitted to the law-officers of the Crown. But nothing had been elicited to connect Mr. Hook with the appro- priation of the money ; and, after a laborious review of the case, and a careful comparison of the whole mass of testimony, the original opinion was confirmed, that, how- ever irregular and improper the conduct of Mr. Hook appeared to have been, and whatever might be his civil responsibility as a debtor to the public, there was nothing to warrant a criminal prosecution. In December,^1821, in consequence of the above report, a writ of Extent was issued against his person and pro- pertv, and the amount of his debt to the Crown diminish* t France. He was again unsuccessful, and the name of the man does not escape him. In other respects his defensive documents are certainly liable to objection ; a tone and temper characterize them ill becoming his position, and of which his maturer judg- ment must have disapproved. He endeavours by taunt and invective to lash men into hostility who, in the course of their painful duties, appear actuated by none other than a desire of deciding with strict impartiality between the public and its servant. "Where is the wonder if ho in some measure succeeded ! Again, his line of defence is unquestionably weakened from an ill-advised pertinacity with which he struggles to maintain a post untenable from the first negligent he was : why not admit it ? A negligence shared, and per- haps encouraged, by nearly every one connected with his department, is exhibited on the face of every account brought under review, and elicited at every stage of the inquiry. He seems, indeed, to have considered the prin- cipal diit ic.- of his appointment to have consisted in the quarterly discharge of certain pecuniary formalities, and the signing from time to time such statements and accounts as were presented to him by his clerks. The consequence naturally is, that no sooner is he questioned as to transactions attested by his own signature, than he becomes lost in a maze of contradictions and inaccuracies- which, as is obvious to the Lords of the Treasury them- selves, are to be imputed to inattention and ignorance rather than design. That some inconsistencies and seeming contradictions should be elicited in the course of a scries of severe cross- T1IEODOBE HOOK. 111> examinations, continued at various intervals for upwards of three years, was hardly to be wondered at. As he himself reasonably argues, these examinations were very frequent and very protracted ; they related to every pos- sible detail of his business, from the day he entered upon office until the day he left it ; and in labouring to eiplain a wilderness of papers and an infinity of items, when pressed to recollect his reason for this and his motive for that, when even the fact itself was forgotten, no human memory and no power of intellect (for he was often questioned not as to matter of fact, but as to matter of inference) could ensure a perfect agreement or unde- viating consistency. And it is also proper to observe that the very inconsistencies complained of arise, not unfrequently, from a candid acquiescence in the spirit and purport of the queries, from a seemingly honest endeavour to get at the truth quite irrespective of th& effect his admissions may have upon his case, and that in no instance is anything like shuffling or evasion dis- cernible. It may be, perhaps, too much to contend that all this is strongly corroborative of innocence, but we cannot but feel, nevertheless, that had he really been profligate and unprincipled, he might have adopted a far more efficient and plausible defence : the guilty are for the most part wiser in their generation, and Hook cer- tainly was not deficient in ingenuity. Blameworthy he was ; and for the thoughtlessness of his youth ho suffered how long, how bitterly, those who only witnessed his intellectual triumphs little suspected. But after all, was his the only, or the chief head on which reproof should alight ? What is to be thought of the prudence and propriety of conduct of those who set their heedless friend among the "slippery places?" That they were not aware of the peculiar perils that awaited him at the Mauritius is probable enough, but the pro- moting any young man, untrained by a previous appren- ticeship, to the head of a department where not only steadiness and vigilance, but information and experience are necessary for the discharge of its ordinary duties, appears to us not more irregular then unwise ; in the case of one of Theodore's known and notorious volatility, it would seem to amount to absolute insanity. Geniua 120 LIFE OP and wit are among the unbought gifts of nature, but something of study and application is needful to furnish forth a decent financier and arithmetician ; the Rule of Three does not fix itself intuitively in the mind; a certain expenditure of paper, a moderate application of birch, are requisite for its establishment. Treasurers and clerks do not commonly spring ready-made, Minerva-like, into the vrorld, with all the organs and attributes of Cocker fully developed. Theodore Hook was born the poet, but most assuredly was not fit for the Accountant-General ! A remarkable proof of his utter carelessness with respect to money matters at this period, has recently reached us. At the sale of his effects consequent on his arrest, an officer of the 5Gth regiment bought a library- table. Shortly afterwards this gentleman, on examining his purchase, discovered a considerable sum in bank- notes, which had been thrust, crumpled up, into a drawer. They were of course immediately returned to Hook, who had, however, entirely forgotten them. Surely this is not the conduct of a crafty peculator, or of a man whose necessities have driven him to crime ! Tet another point remains one not altogether clear of the mystification characterizing the whole case. How came it to pass that no attempt whatever should have been made on the part of the ex-Treasurer, to liquidate any portion of the debt ? a liability just and stringent, and to a considerable amount, he admitted, as well in his public defence, as in the circle of his private friends. To one, at least, of the earliest and most intimate of these, he earnestly declared that he should never be a happy man till every shilling of the actual deficit was replaced. The assertion may, perhaps, be said to have held good to the letter, but Hook's subsequent conduct would seem to supply a practical disavowal of the sentiment. We are credibly informed, that in 1823 four gentle- men, whose names are before us, proposed to satisfy all legal demands against him, but that he firmly refused their liberal offer, alleging, it is averred, that any pay- ment from him, or on his behalf, would be construed into a tacit admission of guilt, and a recognition of the justice of the award concessions that he was determined no power on earth should wring from him. Something, THEODORE HOOK. 121 perhaps, might be urged in support of such a position, on the score of the vast difference between the balance put forth by the Commissioners, and that which he maintained and believed to be really and justly due a difference which, when the alleged over-surcharge, his arrears of salary, and the depreciated value of the paper currency (according to which, he contended, the sum ought to have been cast) are taken into consideration, will be found to amount to something more than one- half, viz., 7,0007. or 8,0007. But it appears probable rather that his pride took alarm, that he recoiled from the idea of receiving the money as a donation, and was at the same time indis- posed to render the debt urgent and inevitable by con- verting it into one of honour. Nor can there be any doubt that he entertained some vague and not perhaps very unreasonable expectation, that something would be done for him. We can but believe, had he brought the interest, which for many years he unquestionably pos- sessed, to bear upon the point (but this again his pride forbade), either that norxr talndce would have been granted, and the claim fully and formally abandoned, or that, if nominally retained upon the Treasury books, a distinct pledge would have been given that it should never be enforced. An intimation to some such effect may possibly have reached him, and in point of fact, the latter was the line of conduct actually adopted by successive adminis- trations while he lived. For many years no proceedings were instituted against him, and seemingly, all remem- brance of his delinquency had passed away. It was not until his death that the Crown reasserted its right. There is not, under all the circumstances of the case, so much ground for wonder that he should have been content to acquiesce in an act of oblivion, which appeared to have been passed by common consent, and which he fondly hoped would have been final ; and that he should have trusted in a manner to the chapter of accidents, and waited, to use his own expression, " to see what would turn up." Indeed, during the latter portion of his life, it is difficult to point out what other course remained open to him. Hia industry was certainly unflagging, and his income, 122 LIFE OP as must be confessed, large, averaging for some years after the establishment of the " Bull," from two to three thousand pounds per annum ; but that which makes the richest needy it was invariably forestalled. Under these painful circumstances, fighting from day to day against a nost of clamorous creditors, the dormant claims of the Crown were of necessity postponed to a more convenient season, even if they were not considered virtually extinct. He had done the State some service, and he knew it ; and under the influence of that reflec- tion, he might with an accommodating casuistry have readily brought himself to believe, that the moral obli- gation was as completely discharged as the legal one appeared to be forgotten ; and after all, were the balance to be fairly struck between his country and himself, few persons, we think, would be inclined to pronounce Tiieodore Hook to be the debtor. CHAPTER VIII. Mr. Hook's Residence at Somers-Town. Extraordinary Instance of Improvisation. Tom Hill's Song. Anecdotes. Mr. Hook's Arrest under a Writ of Extent. His Confinement in Shire-lane. Removes to Lodgings "within the Rules." His Discharge, from Custody in 1825. Takes a House at Putney. "Tent*- men." " The Arcadian." " Exchange no Robbery." IT has appeared convenient to place before the reader, at one view, all the particulars connected with the Mau- ritius deficit, and not to interrupt the narrative by the introduction of contemporaneous matter ; much, however, had been undergone by Hook, and much had been effected towards the re-establishment of his position in the world, ere the final edict issued, in 1825, from the Treasury chambers. Throughout the whole distressing affair, his prospects blighted, his appointment absolutely gone, his character impeached, he, nevertheless, preserved an in- domitable spirit, sustained, we may well believe, by a conscience free from grave offence. His gaiety neither deserted him under the dangers and privations suffered on board the transport, which was to him, literally, " a prison with the chance of being drowned," nor did it droop THEODORE HOOK. 123 in the depressing and impure atmosphere of the Shire Lane sponging-house. His old friend, Dubois, who had ever remained kind and true, visited him during his confinement, and, being struck with the comparative spaciousness of his apart- ment, observed, by way of consolation : " Why, really, Hook, you are not so badly lodged here, after all ; this is a cheerful room enough." "Oh yes!" returned Theodore, in a significant tone, as he pointed to the iron defences outside, "remarkably so barring the windows !" Even the tough nature of the bailift' himself was softened by the inexhaustible vivacity of his guest, and he cele- brated the departure of the latter from durance vile by a grand entertainment, at which Hook, with a singular freedom from that sensitiveness which afterwards pos- sessed him, supplied the chief staple of mirth from his own misfortunes. Soon after his return to England, he took up his abode in a small lodging in Somers-town. Here he remained until his arrest in 1823, and here, we believe, originated that lamentable connection with the mother of his chil- dren (a young woman up to that time, we are told, of unimpeachable character, and who certainly devoted her- self to his interests) which, with his warm heart and honourable feelings, he could not dissolve, and which he yet hztd never sufficient courage to render sacred and indissoluble. Here, too, many of his former friends, Matthews, Tom Hill (who had himself sunk in the world, and been compelled to throw up the retreat at Sydenham) and Terry among the number, gathered round him, and in their society many of the mad scenes of former days were re-enacted. ~\V r e are indebted to a friend for a slight record of one of these memorable symposia. It was held at the house of one, himself well skilled to keep the table in a roar, " the witty and agreeable barrister," Mr. Dubois. Among others, Hook, Tom Hill, the elder Mathews, and the Rev. J n, were present. The last-mentioned gentleman was led to give a very interesting account of a casual interview he once enjoyed in a stage-coach with a brother of Burns, and had repeated in a most 124 LIFE OF touching manner, some unpublished verses of the poet addressed to his beloved relative. " Sir," said Mathevrs, at the conclusion of the recital, which elicited universal applause, " I would be willing and well-content to commence life again a beggar, if i could but deliver those beautiful lines with half the pathos you have just thrown into them !" "Oh! Matty, Matty," interrupted Hook, "you have no idea how exquisitely ludicrous your enunciation would have made them but you shall hear." Whereupon he commenced a display of mimicry, memory, and improvi- sation united ; furnishing forth, verse by verse, a com- plete and perfect parody upon the poetry in question, and adopting the while an imitation of Mathews's ex- pression, tone, and gesture, that even to those familiar from boyhood with h'is power and his genius, appeared iittle less than miraculous. Mathews alone kept clear of ccstacies ; no man, perhaps, is qualified to appreciate a caricature of himself; his deep reverence for the senti- mental and pathetic being outraged by the profane bur- lesque, he maintained a moody silence, adding the finish- ing touch to the comedy, by the look of indignation and contempt which he threw upon the performer. It was not, however, long before his good humour was tho- roughly re-established, and he himself entertained the company with one or two of his admirable songs, calling at last upon Tom Hill, whose honest face was beaming with punch and pleasure, to contribute a specimen of his vocal abilities. "Sing!" exclaimed Hill, "I sing! come, come, Mat, that's too bad you know I can't sing never sung a song in my life, did I Hook ? Pooh, pooh !" "No," replied Theodore, " I can't say I ever heard you as yet- but sing you shall to-night by proxy." And again he burst forth, giving an extemporaneous versi- fication of what were supposed to be Hill's adventures ; raking up the most grotesque medley of anachronous events, and weaving them into a sort of life of his tre- centenarian friend, each stanza winding up with a chorus : u My name's Tommy Hill I'm jolly Tom Hill THEODORE ROOK. I'm fat Tommy Hill I'm little Tom Hill ; I'm young Tommy Hill I'm old Tommy Hill !" All were again convulsed with merriment, with the ex- ception of Hill himself, who, nevertheless struggled man- fully to conceal his chagrin, muttering between his forced attempts at laughter : " Excellent ! admirable ! clever dog! d him! too bad old friend. Pooh, pooh, Hook!" For Tom Hill Hook entertained a very sincere regard; as is evident from the tenour of a letter before us, writ- ten on his being requested to furnish a memoir of his deceased friend. This he promised to do for " Bentley's Miscellany," but for want of time or want of material, or for some other reason, he was compelled to leave the task in other hands. On the disposal of Hill's effects,, after his death, in 1840, Mr. Duboishad occasion to write to Hook, respecting some particulars connected with the sale of the books and pictures at Evans's : " I told him," says that gentleman, " how the things went ; amongst others, an excellent portrait in water- colours, of Hook himself, by Bennett, of Bath ; which, as well as one of Jem Smith, fetched only a few shillings. In his letter in reply, I find the following passage ; he had long perceived the vain results of notoriety. ' At the sale I bought my juvenile portrait, which, to my own disparagement as regards popularity, I got for less than, the cost of the frame and glass !' ' Notwithstanding the real affection he felt for him r Hook was sometimes led, as is the case with spoiled chil- dren, whether of larger or lesser growth, to trespass overmuch upon the good nature of his friend almost worshipper and to allow himself liberties which no degree of intimacy could justify. An instance of tho kind occurred at Sydenham, when Hook, resenting the introduction of a comparative stranger to their saturnalia, chose to assume all sorts of extraordinary and offensive airs, to the great discomfiture of his host, who, with the warmest desire to " see everybody comfortable," had not always, perhaps, tact commensurate with his bene- volence. Having completely mystified the unwelcome guest during the hour or two before dinner, when that 126 LIFE or meal was served Mr. Hook was not to be found; search was made throughout the house, but in vain. The garden was scoured and a peep taken into the pond, but no Hook ! The party at length sat down, and a servant soon after informed them that hehad discovered the lost one in bed ! Hook now thought fit to make his appearance, which he did in strange guise, with his long black hair plastered over his face, and his whole head and shoulders dripping with water. "Feeling a little fatigued," he said, "he had retired to rest; and by way of thoroughly arousing himself had just taken a plunge in the water- butt;" at the same moment, and before he had time to partake of any of the good things before him, Mr. Hook's carriage was announced ; and merely observing that he had recollected an engagement to dine that day in town, he bowed and quitted the company. It is not possible to estimate the degree of provocation that led to his extraordinary, and as it stands, certainly inexcusable procedure; but he, of all men, was particularly exposed to annoyance from the intrusive curiosity of people, who seemed to consider they had been lured to the table under false pretences, if Mr. Hook declined "tumbling" for their amusement, and from the scarcely less offensive adulation of those who thought themselves bound to grin and giggle at every word, however com- monplace, that fell from his lips.* Those who were pre- sent will not readily forget how completely he succeeded in extinguishing the laughter of one of these indiscrimi- nating admirers who frequently beset him in society. In consequence of his arrival at a club-dinner late, as * He has hinted at this sort of persecution which he had to ndure in more than one of his novels : " I happened to observe (the first observation I had made, too, and that in reply to a ques- tion of the big Bagswash) that I thought mustard went remarkably well with cold boiled beef, they all burst out into an immoderate fit of laughter ; and the Doctor, who had been tutored into a belief in my superlative wit, exclaimed ' Oh ! oh ! that's too bad,' which every fool cries out, either when he thinks a thing remarlably good, or does not comprehend it in the least." Gilbert Giirm i/. We remember witnessing the complete discomfiture of a wit, of no inferior order, by a message, politely delivered at a supper party by a little girl : " If you please, Mr. B , mamma senda iier compliments, and would be much obliged if you would begin to be fumy /" THEODOBE HOOK. 127 vias usual with him, Hook was placed next an indivi- dual who eagerly availed himself of an opportunity, never before enjoyed, of entering into direct com- munication with his eminent neighbour. The slightest symptoms of fun, on the part of the latter, were hailed with noisy approbation, and his puns were instantly- repeated for the benefit of those at the upper end of the table, with highly flattering comments, such as "Uncommonly good! capital! excellent, is it not?" &c. But not content with this busy retail business, Mr. endeavoured to monopolize Hook's conversation altoge- ther, constantly appealing to him, and, in short, forcing himself iipon the other's notice, in a manner not less ill-bred than annoying. "Who is he?" scribbled Hook on a slip of paper, which he tossed across the table to Stephen Price. "A second-rater on the newspaper," was the reply. This, as Price probably foresaw, served only to aggravate the offence ; for, towards the latter portion of his life, Hook entertained, or at all events expressed, opinions far from flattering with respect to " the gentle- men of the press." There was bad taste and probably affectation in this ; but so it was ! A mode of escape suggested itself. Unwilling to disturb the company by a display of that severity which he had at command, he chose to adopt sedatives, replying courteously to every remark, and invariably concluded with : " But, my dear Sir, you don't drink." Gratified by the attention he obtained, his new friend began to push forward his observations with greater confidence ; they were all received with a polite smile, a nod of assent, and a motion towards the decanter : " Exactly ! but I see my dear sir, you don't drink!" Glass after glass was filled and emptied by the unsus- pecting victim, at the suggestion of his companion, who redoubled his civilities as he observed an increasing pro- fundity in the former's criticisms, a wilder luxuriance in his eloquence, and a more decided tendency towards imperfect articulation. " You see, Mr. Hook, with regard to /mfo-pere, my opinion is " " I beg your pardon for the interruption, but permit 128 LIFE OP me your glass, I see, is empty. JJy dear sir, you don't drink r The finale was not long delayed ; the enemy did hi work, and stole away, not only his victim's brain, but his speech also. The effect of the potent spirit became visible about the same time upon another of those present ; and it was not unamusing to observe the con- trast afforded by the gentlemanly demeanour of the one and the coarse vulgarity of the other, both alike thrown off their guard by the insidious juice. " In vino veritas" said Hook, as the pair quitted the apartment, Mr. with an elaborately elegant bow, and a creditable attempt at gravity, the " bore," sick and helpless, and sprawling in the arms of the servants, "you may now see the difference between the real and pw-rious gentleman." It was shortly after his location at Somers-town, that Mr. Hook renewed his acquaintance with Mr. Wilson Croker, in whose society no small portion of his time was spent, both at the Admiralty and at the latter's villa at Moulsey. He was also occasionally a visitor at General Phipps's (a relation of his mother's), in Harley Street, where he met an I speedily became intimate with the late speaker, Lord Canterbury. They were after- wards seen a great deal together, and the pair strolling arm-in-arm down St. James's Street, forms the subject of one not the most happy of the HB sketches.* With these exceptions, for a long period his position as a public defaulter, together with the res anyuxtce domi, confined him to the narrow and comparatively inexpen- sive circle of his old literary and theatrical associates. After a dreary and injurious confinement of eight mouths' duration, in the Shire Lane sponging-house r and a subsequent removal to a lodging within the rules of the King's Bench, in Temple Place (where he lived about a year, enjoying, although subject to many galling restrictions, comparative liberty), he was, as has been stated, finally discharged from custody in May, 1825. He engaged immediately a comfortable house at Putney, and established himself in a style sufficiently complete and well * A Blight obliquity of vision for which his lordship was remark- able suggested the title a passable adaptation of Theodore's owa joke " Hook aud ye." TIJEODOBE HOOK. 129 appointed, but by no means incommensurate with the income of which he was now in the receipt. Hook had returned to England penniless; but he brought with him stores, the result of increased know- ledge of the world and of an observation active under every vicissitude of fortune, which, with his singular facility in composition, were readily reducible to current coin.* According, notwithstanding the harassing and protracted business at the Audit-office, he found time to strike oft' a succession of papers and pamphlets, the proceeds of which for some months formed his sole income. These, for obvious reasons, were published anonymously ; and from this fact, and that of their being for the most part mere hits at the politics of the day, they have, with scarcely an exception, been swept from the face of the literary globe, and are only to be met with in the museums of such curious collectors as Tom Hill and the like. One of these jeux cT esprit, entitled " Tentamen; or an Essay towards the History of AVhittington. some time Lord Mayor of London, by Dr. Yicesimus Blenkinsop," produced no little sensation, and ran rapidly through two or three editions. Hook, however, we believe, was not suspected to be the author- This opusculum, which is now extremely rare, and a copy of which would fetch quadruple its original price, was an attack, conducted in a strain of elaborate irony, equal to the happiest efforts of Martinus Scriblerus, upon the worthy Alderman Wood (a portrait of whom adorned the title-page), and his royal protegee. It served to introduce, among other things, "Ann exceedinge, exacte, and excellente good Ballade," existing in the British Museum (Messalina 2), which, for the benefit of those who might despair of finding the original in so multitudinous a class, we tran- scribe: * This facility was, however, in a great measure the result of application ; he used to compare his progress in composition to that of the parliamentary oratory of Mr. Perceval; the latter, it will be remembered, set out as a very timid and indifferent speaker, but ended in becoming one of the beat debaters in th House. K 180 LIFE OF u Yee cytyzens of Lundun toune, Ande wyves so iaire and fatte, Beholde a gueste of high reuouue ! Crete Whyttingtone hys Catte ! " Ye Kynge bathe ynn hys toure of state Beares, lyones, and allc thatte ; But hee bathe notte a beste soe grate Ass Whyttingtoue hys Catte ! " This Catte dothe notte a catte appear, Beeynge toe bigge forre thatte ; But herre attendants all doe weare Some tokyn off a Catte ! " Ye one bathe whyskerres thick as burrs, Moste comelye toe looke atte ; Anoder weares a gown of furrs, Ye lyverye off ye Catte ! " She dothe not creepe along ye floones, But standes or else lyes flatte ; Whyles they must gambole onne all fours Whoe wyshe to please ye Catte ! " A conynge moukeye off ye lande, Ass bye ye fyre he satte, Toe pick hys nuts oute, used ye hande Off Whyttingtone hys Catte ! " But Whyttingtone discovered playne Whatte this rude ape was atte, Whoc failedde thus hys nuttes toe gayne, And only synged ye Catte ! " Then Whyttingtonne ynn gorgeous state, Syttynge wythoute hys hatte, Bron^hte toe hys house at Grovner-gate Tliys moste illustryous Catte ! " Shcc is soe graciouse and so tame, All menne may stroke and patte ; But it is sayde norre mayde norre dame Have dared toe see thatte Catte ! " Fullc hugelye glade she seeraeth whenne They brynge herre a grete ratte ; But still moe gladde atte katchynge menne Ys \Vhyttingtone hys Catte ! THEODORE HOOK. 131 " A catte, they save, maye watche a kynge, Te apotheme is patte ; Te converse is a differente thyuge ; Noe kynge may watch thys Catte ! " Thenne take each manne hys scarlate goune, And eke hys velvette hattc, And humblye wellcome ynto toune, Grete Whyttingtone hys Catte !" The cat is clearly demonstrated in the inquiry that follows (and which, by the way, shews more learning than Hook commonly obtained credit for), to have been no other than an enchantress, who is induced to visit England under the protection of Whyttingtone, than whom never was mayor more worthy or more modest withal. e?nijI0nUc rauntr, nane all the erthe, It my djtrltr tua uIO trouble you, n ftiilfr a. m.tmtr s'a rtrfje tit to or the %* hanrgtt #latthetoc ii. iiDttr the manne to ooe ijau torangr, tonthe false sprrdjrs trouble you, beef grutus fatte, antt beer g'raintf strong, fca'ng Infr to ittattljciue iil." The speculation, however, does not turn out satisfac- torily for either party. The cat pines for sunnier climes, regrets the seraglio at Algiers, where she had been received with so much distinction, and where, according to the votes sacer, she Passed herre tyme amydst ye thronge, As happie as ye daye was longe," while honest Matthew on his part gets heartily sick of the bargain, and contrives to shuffle her off his hands. In the spring of this year (1820), Hook, with the assistance of his old friend, Daniel Terry, started a small periodical. It was published, and we believe suggested oy Mr. Miller, who had recently engaged extensive pre- mises in what was then expected to prove a great mart for the lighter description of literature a sort of occi- dental " liow," the Burlington Arcade. Hence the 132 T.TFE OP name of the first-born, " The Arcadian," but which, to say the truth, had little of the pastoral in its composition, if we except a certain ballad of melodious rhythm ad- dressed to Lady Holland, and commencing : " Listen, lady, to my measures, While they softly, gently flow, While I sing the harmless pleasures Of the classic, silver Po," . Yes ; one Mr. Brougham, Who sneak'd out of her room, Pretending the circuit to go go, Pretending the circuit to go. " Had she no solicitor heigh, ma'am ; ho, ma'am ? Had she no solicitor, ho ? Yes ; one Mr. Vizard, Who, being no wizard, She overboard hastened to throw throw, She overboard hastened to throw. " And has she a clergyman heigh, ma'am ; ho, ma'am 1 Has she a clergyman, ho ? Yes ; one Doctor F , Who puffs like a bellows, The coals of sedition to blow blow, The coals of sedition to blow. " And has she a banking-house heigh, ma'am ; ho ma'am ? lias she a banking-house, ho ? When Coutts was unhandsome, She shifted to Ransom, To whom she does nothing but owe owe, To whom she docs nothing but owe. " And what are her drinkables heigh, ma'am : ho, ma'am ? What are her drinkables, ho ? It being but noon, She said 'twas too soon, For anything else but Noyeau yeau t For anything else but Noyeau. " Will she have a drawing-room heigh, ma'am ; ho, ma'am ? Will she have a drawing-room, ho 1 Oh, yes ; I presume That she might find a room, If she could but find any to go go, If she could but find any to go." so many prophetic allusions to the history of the indefa- tigable Al.P. " Ex Humili potens from a surgeon to a Member of Parliament;" " Ne quis Ilum-asse velit- Let no one call Hume an ass ;" " llumili modo loqui, To> talk Scotch like HUME," &c.; not one so good as the motto with which he afterwards provided him : " Crraiit expers catenis I have got rid of my Greek bonds." His other enemy he pursued with a bitterness of invective still more intense ; but Mr. Hume was his favourite butt. It became a sort of recreative habit to expose the honour- able gentleman and his blunders to hold him up, iJlu> 166 LIFE OF unrated in a blaze of ridicule, to the admiration of friends and foes. Hume loquitur: " I hastened my genius to shew, Though I dealt not in figures of speech ; But, speaking of figures, we know, Is ever in Maberley's reach ! And 'tis 0, what did become o' me ? what did I do ? I proved, with a great deal of mummery, One and one to be equal to two ! wo, wo, wo, was, we believe, the chief claimant to the distinction. In general, however, the more prominent characters in Hook's novels are unquestionably portraits. Few, for example, would find difficulty in detecting, under "a viridity of intellect which was truly refreshing, A newness and a single-mindedness, unalloyed by the baser attributes of this world, which were highly delightful," the original of Rodney, the poetic schoolmaster. To many of the Anglo-Indian sketches, the journal kept during the author's sojourn at the Mauritius, would, we are told, supply a key ; while upon some others we hope ourselves to be able to throw a little light. In point of fact, Hook always denied the possession of inventive faculties. There was, doubtless, truth as well as modesty in the assertion : " Give me a story to tell, and I can tell it, but I cannot create." He might have added, " Shew me human nature in any of its phases, and I can draw it to the life." Of the second series of "Sayings and Doings," he says with perfect correctness, as his own reviewer: " These tales are in every way superior to the former series. The best is ' Passion and Principle,' the last ; the worst is the first : and it is upon this conviction, and from a knowledge that the stories were written in the order in which they are printed, that we found an expec- tation that the writer will progressively improve should he continue his literary career."* The prediction was soon and amply verified by tho appearance of a concluding series, embracing, if wt/ "John Bull," 1825, p. 53. 170 LIFE OF remember right, three tales one of a serious, another of a comic, and a third of a supernatural cast, each admirable in its way. Such, indeed, had been the success of the first three volumes, of which no less than six thousand copies were sold, that in addition to the origi- nal sum, 600?., paid for the copyright, Mr. Colburn, on completing the purchase of the the second series for a thousand guineas, very handsomely presented the author with a cheque for 150/., to which he subsequently added another for 200/. In 1829, the third series was published, for which, also, Mr. Hook received a thousand guineas. In " Cousin William," which may be considered as a pendant to " Passion and Principle, and in which the victory and its results of passion are wrought out, indi- cations are given of the existence of a tragic power, which he but rarely consented to display. To the full as terrible as the conceptions of Sue or Dumas, the story in question has the advantage of being treated with a morality and delicacy foreign from those writers. There is none of that subtle and voluptuous confusion of good and evil, which is at once the characteristic and disgrace of the French school ; and although the subject is one, to our thinking, better avoided altogether in a work intended for general perusal, vice is, nevertheless, fairly depicted, and no flimsy veil of sentimentality inter- poses to soften its hideous mien, and lend a grace to the "violator of law and religion. In " Gervase Skinner," on the other hand, whose title betrays the point, " penny wise and pound foolish," the spirit of fun takes one ot its wildest flights ; the effects of stinginess are delineated in a steady progression of misadventures, charged and overcharged with the richest humour. The players, too, the quondam companions of the author, afford him and his readers fair sport ; and those at all familiar with the proverbial and never-ending bickerings of the sons and daughters of harmony, will see little caricature in the Fugglestone correspondence respecting the " Village Bells," &c. Mathews, however Hook's old, but somewhat irritable friend thought otherwise ; and, in a harmless quiz upon an itinerant company, fancied he discovered a deliberate insult to a profession which all but the most prejudiced admit to TIIEODOBE HOOK. 171 contain very many amiable and excellent members of society. Reference, indeed, need only be made to Mr. Mathews himself, beloved and esteemed by all wbo knew him and high and noble names might be adduced in proof, were proof wanting, that the character of a gentle- man may be preserved untarnished throughout a life devoted even to the less dignified departments of the drama. His claims to respect, at all events, Hook would have been the last to call in question. A temporary interruption of their intimacy ensued, which, however, the following amende honorable, the natural outburst of a frank and generous disposition, served immediately and effectually to remove. " To Charles Matliews, Esg. u Cleveland Row, March 5, 1829. "Mr DEAB MATHEWS, " You are now about one of the oldest acquaintances I have (or just now have not); some of my happiest hours have been passed in your company ; I hate mincing (except in a case of veal). There is a difference, not perhaps existing between us, but between you now and yourself at other times. They (on) say that you have been annoyed with one of my tales, as if any man, except a pacha, had more than one; and our good-natured friends, bless them ! make out that you are personally affected by some of the jokes about the Fugglestones, and other imaginary personages. Now, I venly believe, that if I had read that story to you before it was pub- lished, you would have enjoyed it more than anybody who has read it ; since to ridicule the bad part of a pro- fession can be no satire upon the good ; and, as I have said somewhere before, Lawrence might as well be annoyed at the abuse of sign-painters, or Halford angry at a satire upon quacks, as you personally with any- thing reflecting upon the lower part of the theatrical world. " From you yourself I verily believe I culled the art of ridiculing the humbugs of the profession. However, why you should suppose that /, after having for years (in every way I could) contributed needlessly, I admit to support your talents, merits, and character, profes- 172 LIFE OP sional and private, could mean to offend you, I cannot imagine. I can only say, that nothing was further from my intention than to wound your feelings, or those of any other individual living, by what seemed to me a fair travestie of a fair subject for ridicule, and which, I repeat, never could apply to you, or any man in your sphere or station. " Now, the upshot of all this is this, where not the smallest notion of personal affront was contemplated, I think no personal feeling should remain. If you think so, come and call upon me, or tell me where I may pay you a visit. If you don't think so, why say nothing about it, and burn this letter. But do whichever of these things you may, rest assured I do not forget old associations, and that 1 am, and shall be, my dear Ma- thews, as much yours as ever. And now, having said my say, I remain, " Yours most truly, "TiiE. E. HOOK." Mathews was not a man to resist such an appeal; illness and anxiety had rendered him morbidly tetchy, but his kindness of heart was intact ; and unable to quit his own house, he readily received the proffered visit of the offender. There was another individual who possibly might not have been so easily appeased, but for that pachydermatous self-complacency with which Providence benignantly invests certain people, more especially ob- noxious to the shafts of ridicule. The hero himself, Gervate Skinner, a sketch admirably true to nature, had an unconscious prototype in a Mr. E , a member of the Irish bar, whose genuine devices to avoid unneces- sary expenditure were nearly as amusing as those attri- buted to him in the novel. A story is told of him, that when staying with the C s, at Dover, he was requested to escort the ladies of the party to the Castle to " lionize " the fortifications ; on coming away, Mrs. C , observing that he had assumed rather an abstracted air, and had apparently forgotten to remunerate the sergeant who had attended them, borrowed half-a-crown of him for that purpose. This, afterwards, at the inn, knowing his eccentricity, she THEODORE HOOK. 173 offered to repay. Mr. E , however, " could i ot think of accepting it ;" and really appeared half affronted at her insisting upon discharging the debt, throwing down the coin with becoming indignation on the table. There it lay till the waiter announced dinner, when, presenting his left arm to the lady, he contrived, in passing, to slip the piece of money (unobserved as he supposed) off the table with his right hand, and deposit it securely in his pocket ! He thought, herhaps, with old Lady Cork, that rudence is the better part of liberality, as well as valour, he is said to have been so affected by one of Sidney Smith's charity sermons, that she borrowed a guinea of A gentleman next her to put into the plate. But, for a winter's tale to arrest the attention of Master Bobby, freed for six weeks from the claims of Pius JEneas and Agamemnon, king of men ; to make the flesh of elderly ladies creep, and matter-of-fact gentlemen declare that they "don't believe any such nonsense;" to excite the antipathies of our nature, and open an avenue to that strange, half pleasing, half chilling sen- sation of awe which assails us in the presence of the mysterious, what shall compare with " Martha, the Gipsy," the most absorbing and unimpeachable of ghost stories ?* Whatever degree of credit may be attached to the narration itself, that Hook was sincere in the con- fession of faith with which he prefaces it, we have reason to feel assured : " It is," he says, " I find, right and judicious, most carefully and publicly, to disavow a belief in supernatural visitings ; but it will be long before I become either so wise or so bold as to make any such unqualified declara- tion. I am not weak enough to imagine myself sur- rounded by spirits and phantoms, or jostling through a crowd of spectres, as I walk the streets ; neither do I give credence to all the idle tales of ancient dames or frightened children, touching such matters : but when I breathe the air and see the grass grow under my feet, I cannot but feel that He who gives me power to inhale the one or stand erect upon the other, has also the power to use for special purposes such means and agency as He, * A reference to the volume convicts ui of an error ; " Martha the Gipsy" ia printed in the first series. 174 LIFE or in His wisdom, may see fit ; and which, in point of fact, are not more incomprehensible to us than the very simplest effects which we every day witness, arising from unknown causes. " Philosophers may prove, and, in the might of their littleness and the erudition of their ignorance, develop and disclose, argue and discuss ; but when the sage, who sneers at the possibility of ghosts, will explain to me the doctrine of attraction and gravitation, or tell me why the wind blows, why the tides ebb and flow, or why the light shines effects perceptible by all men then will I admit the justice of his incredulity then will I join the ranks of the incredulous." Sayings and Doings, vol. iii. p. 322. All the particulars the refusal backed by an oath, of the respectable gentleman who paid poor-rates and sub- scribed to the Mendicity Society, to relieve the impor- tunate beggar-woman her malediction, and threat of the three visitations ; the first fulfilled when, dashed from a curricle, the maimed victim perceives Martha grinning at him from among the crowd; the second, when on drawing aside the blind to give light to his dying child, he encounters the malignant gaze of the hag from, the opposite pavement ; the last, when, after a lapse of years, his family party is disturbed by a thunder-storm, and on the door being burst violently open, the same vision meets his eye, though unseen by others, and the full accomplishment of the curse, by his sudden death during the ensuing night, all these particulars, with the excep- tion of some trifling heightening of the first accident, Hook stoutly maintained to be true ; and he did so on the authority of an intimate friend ; Major D , who professed to have been himself present at the catastrophe. How far chance may have led to the seeming realization of the old woman's prediction in the first two instances, and a morbid imagination supplied the last, the reader may compute for himself according to the measure of his scepticism, but that the story rests on some sort of foundation cannot admit of a doubt. Another case of the supernatural, Mr. Hook used to relate as having fallen more immediately under his own observation, ana in which he was, in a slight degree, con- cerned. He stated that, some years ago, the eldest son Tiir.ODOBE noox. 17." of a certain noble lord found it convenient to break up his establishment in London, and to join his father, then resident in Paris, being thus compelled to abandon the society of a young lady who had been for a considerable time, as it is termed, " under his protection," and who was expecting shortly to be confined. For some weeks, letters arrived regularly from the object of his attach- ment; suddenly, and without any known cause, they ceased, and a very natural anxiety was in consequence excited in the heart of the young nobleman. One even- ing, about an hour after the family had retired to rest, Lady heard a noise proceeding from the library, where she had left her son reading. On rushing to the spot, she discovered the young man extended on the floor, pale and senseless ! The usual restoratives being admi- nistered, he by degrees recovered consciousness; but a wildness of manner and a degree of terror was noticeable in his demeanour beyond what might be attributed to the mere effects of indisposition. After considerable pressing, he was induced to confess that his nerves had been fearfully shaken by an event not less ill-boding than mysterious. " He had been sitting," he said, " with his attention fully occupied by the book he was perusing, when a sort of apprehension stole over him of the presence of another person in the room ; no sound had struck upon his ear, and no shadow passed across his gaze, but a suspicion, rapidly deepening into a certainty that he was not alone, took full possession of his mind. For a time he felt unwilling, almost unable, to withdraw his eyes from the page ; but the feeling increasing in intensity and amount- ing to positive alarm, he raised them with an effort, and beheld those of a thin and wasted figure, who was stand- ing opposite, fixed mournfully upon him. The features were those of Miss ; but so worn were they by sickness and suffering, and above all, so changed by the peculiar and terrible expression of anguish which marked them, as scarcely to be recognized as those of the beautiful girl he had ' left lamenting.' In her arms she bore an infant. More he could not recall a conviction seized him that what he saw was not of this world ; his brain grew dizzy ; his limbs were paralyzed, and he fell!" 176 LIFE OP All this was very politely received by the medical gentleman in attendance, who proceeded, at once, to explain the phenomena on extremely scientific principles, talked very learnedly of the sensorial functions, inquired if he had ever seen blue dogs, and took a few extra ounces of blood. The patient, however, was not to be reasoned or mystified out of the belief that the accusing spirit had stood before him ; and at his urgent request, his mother wrote to her sister, resident in London, begging her to cause inquiries to be made respecting the condition of Miss , but without at the time throwing out the least hint of anything remarkable having occurred. This letter Theodore Hook stated that he saw, and, if we remember right, he added that he himself, on being applied to, obtained and forwarded intelligence of the young lady in question having died in giving birth to a child, in the course of the very night on which the sup- posed apparition had been seen ; and further, that neither he nor Lady B , was made acquainted with the pre- vious circumstances, till the arrival of that answer esta- blished the fact of the strange coincidence, and somewhat disturbed the philosophy of the French physician. From his unquestionable belief in the preceding nar- ratives, it will be readily concluded that Mr. Hook was a man of a more than ordinarily superstitious turn of mind that he was so, subsidiary proofs in abundance might be adduced ; among them, his extreme dislike to making one of a party of thirteen ; a marked uneasiness being invariably betrayed, if by chance he found himself in that position. That his miseries consequent upon the Mauntius deficit were evidently fore-shadowed, in the course of his voyage homewards, by a visitation from the original "Flying Dutchman" he also gravely main- tained. He declared that at a time when the vessel to which he had been transferred was tossing, in imminent peril of shipwreck, off the Cape, and when, in con- eequence of the hurricane that was raging, they were unable to show a rag of canvas, he himself, together with five or six others, actually saw a large ship bearing down right in the wind's eye, with all her sails set, and appa- rently at the distance of not more than half a mile! That she was the ill-omened wanderer of the ocean there could TUEODOBE HOOK. 177 be no doubt. Grave gentlemen will smile at all this; but considerable indulgence is surely due, at the hands of men of very common-sense and somewhat inert imagi- nation, for the fevered fancies of ardent and excitable genius. One of his friends, who was himself suspected of a leaning that way, notes in the following words, an in- stance of this weakness. " Dined at - ; we were seated twelve in number, when Hook arrived. He looked at first very black on finding himself the thirteenth, but being told that Young, the actor, was expected, immediately took his seat, and the evening passed off merrily enough. An anecdote was given in the course of conversation singularly corro- borative of the superstition by which Hook was, clearly, at first affected. A party of twelve had just sat down, and one of the guests having observed a vacant chair, was remarking that he should hardly like to be the person destined to occupy that seat, when a tremendous double rap was heard, the door was thrown open, and Mr. Fauntleroy* announced, he was hanged within the year L '' Late in the evening Young did come, and sang with great taste, Sheridan's 'When 'tis night.' Hook im- provised as usual upon the company, but was not so> happy as I have heard him. There was a good deal of" sparring between him and Murray ; the latter was find- ing great fault with a shilling pamphlet on the character of Shy lock, just published by George Farren : Hook. " Have you read it, Murray ? " * Another story waa at the same time told in connection witb this unfortunate gentleman. A Mr. R - , a wine-merchant, wa very intimate with Fauntleroy, and with a few friends waa in th habit of dining with him frequently. On these occasions, when the party was not too large, the host would produce some very choice old Lunelle wine, of which R - was exceedingly fond ; but Fauntleroy could never be prevailed upon to say where he got it, or how it could be obtained. When the latter was under sen- tence of death, his old associates visited him repeatedly, and a 1 -. their last interview, the night before his execution, R , after having bid him farewell with the rest, on a sudden paused in the prison passage, returned to the cell, and said in a low voice to th criminal, " You'll pardon my pressing the subject, but now at all events, my dear friend, you c*n have no objection to tell me wUero I can get some of that Lunelle," 178 LIFE or " No ! " " Come then, review it !" An indifferent retort which Murray attempted, brought on him the epithet of ' hind-quarterly reviewer,' which seemed to annoyhim a good deal." To the " Christmas Box" (1828), a tiny annual for children of every growth, Theodore Hook contributed a very forcible exposition of the perils of the Parono- masia or pun; and upon the principle, we suppose, that " He best can paint them, who shall feel them most," we have them very clearly depicted, for the benefit of little punnikins at school, in the following "CAUTIONARY VEBSES TO YOUTH OF BOTH SEXES. "My readers may know that to all the editions of Entick's Dictionary, commonly used in schools, there is prefixed 'A Table of words that are alike, or nearly alike, in sound, but different in spelling and signification.' It must be evident that this table is neither more nor less than an early provocation to punning ; the whole mystery of which vain art consists in the use of words, the sound and sense of which are at variance. In order, if possible, to check any disposition to punning in youth, which may be fostered by this manual, I have thrown together the following adaptation of Entick's hints to young begin- ners, hoping thereby to afford a warning, and exhibit a deformity to be avoided, rather that an example to be followed ; at the same time shewing the caution children should observe in using words which have more than one meaning. " My little dears, who learn to read, pray early learn to shun That very silly thing indeed which people call a pun : Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found how simple an offence It is, to make the self-same sound afford a double sense. '** For instance, ale may make you ail, your aunt an ant may kill, You in a vale may buy a veil, and Bill may pay the bill. Or if to France your bark you steer, at Dover, it may be, A peer appears upon the pier, who, blind, still goes to sea. THEODORE HOOK. 179 " Thus one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting, Tis meet that men who vrvtet to eat should eat their meat when meeting. Brawn on the board's no bore indeed, although from boar prepared ; Nor can the/owtf, Ton which we feed, foul feeding be declared. " Thus one ripe fruit may be a pear, and yet be pared again, And still be one, which seemeth rare until we do explain. It therefore should be all your aim to speak with ample care : For who, however fond of game, would choose to swallow hair? " A fat man's gait may make us smile, who has no gate to close: The farmer sitting on his stile no stylisft person knows : Perfumers men of scents must be ; some Scilly men are bright ; A brown man oft deep read we see, a Uack a wicked wight. " Most wealthy men good manors have, however vulgar they , And actors still the harder slave, the oftener they play : So poets can't the baize obtain, unless their tailors choose ; While grooms and coachmen, not in vain, each evening seek the Mews. " The dyer who by dying lives, a dire life maintains ; The glazier, it is known, receives his profits from his panes : By gardeners thyme is tied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime ; Bnt time or tide won't wait for you, if you are tied for time. ** Then now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun ; A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun : The fault admits of no defence ; for wheresoe'er 'tis found, You sacrifice the sound for sense : the sense is never sound. " So let your words and actions too, one single meaning prove And, just in all you say or do, you'll gaiu esteem and love : In mirth and play no harm you 11 know, when duty's task is done ; But parent's ne'er should let ye go unpunished for a pun /" It may not be unsatisfactory to our readers to see so important a subject treated more profoundly, and in prose, by the same experienced hand : v 2 180 LIFE OF " It would be vain, at this time of the world's age, t9 enter upon a serious disquisition into the ' art or mys- tery ' of punning ; it would be useless to argue upon its utility, the genius and talent required for carrying it on, or the pleasure, or amusement derivable from it. The fact is self-evident, that puns are an acknowledged ingre- dient of the English language amongst the middling classes, and are, in their societies, the very plums hi the pudding of conversation. " It may be said that punning is a vice, and we are quite ready to admit the charge ; but still it exists and flourishes amongst dapper clerks in public offices, hangera on of the theatres ; amongst very young persons at the universities ; in military messes amongst the subalterns ; in the city amongst apprentices ; and, in some instances, with old wits rases, who are driven to extravagant quibbles to furnish their quota of entertainment to the society in which they are endured. " A punster (that is, a regular hard-going, thick-and- thin punster) is the dullest and stupidest companion tdive, if he could but be made to think so. He sits gaping for an opportunity to jingle his nonsense with whatever happens to be going on, and, catching at some detached bit of a rational conversation, perverts its sense to his favourite sound, so that instead of anything like a continuous intellectual intercourse, which one might hope to enjoy in pleasant society, one is perpetually interrupted by his absurd distortions and unseasonable ribaldry, as ill-timed and as ill-placed as songs in an opera, sung by persons in the depth of despair, or on the points of death. "Admitting, however, the viciousness, the felonious fiinfulness of punning, it is to be apprehended that tho liberty of the pun is like the liberty of the press, which, says the patriot, is like the air, and if we have it not we cannot breathe. Therefore, seeing that it is quite impos- sible to put down punning, the next best thing we can do is to regulate it, in the way they regulate peccadilloes in Paris, and teach men to commit punnery as Caesar died and Frenchmen dissipate with decency. "The proverb says 'wits jump,' so may punsters, nnd two bright geniuses vwy hit upon the same idea at THEODORE HOOK. 181 different periods quite unconsciously. To avoid any unnecessary repetition or apparant plagiarisms, tJiere- tore, by these coincidences, we venture to address this paper to young beginners in the craft to the rising generation of witlings ; and we are led to do this more particularly from feeling that the tyro in punning, as well as in everything else, firmly believes that which he for the first time has heard or read, to be as novel and enter- taining to his older friends, who have heard it or read it before he was born, as it is to himself, who never met with it till the day upon which he so liberally and joy- ously retails it to the first hearers he can fall in with. " For these reasons we propose, in order to save time and trouble, to enumerate a few puns, which for the bet- ter regulation of jesting, are positively prohibited in all decent societies where punnery is practised; and first, since the great (indeed, the only) merit of a pun is its undoubted originality its unequivocal novelty its ex- temporaneous construction and instantaneous explosion all puns by recurrence, all puns by repetition, and all puns by anticipation, are prohibited. " In the next place, all the following travelling puns are strictly prohibited : " All allusions upon entering a town to the pound and the stocks knowing a man by his gait and not liking his style calling a tall turnpike-keeper a colossus of roads paying the post-boy's charges of ways and means seeing no sign of an inn ; or replying, sir, your are out, to your friend who says he does talking of a hedger having a stake in the bank all allusions to sun and air to a new married couple all stuff about village belles calling the belfry a court of a peal saying, upon two carpenters putting up a paling, that they are very peace- able men to be fencing in a field all trash about ' manors make the man,' in the shooting season; and all stuff about trees, after this fashion: 'that's a pop* tar tree' ' I'll turn over a new leaf, and make my bough? &c. " Puns upon field-sports, such as racing being a matter of course horses starting without being shy a good shot being fond of his but and his barrel or saying that a man fishing deserves a rod for taking such a line; if he is jutting under a bridge calling him an arch fellow, or sup- 182 LIFE OF posing him a nobleman because lie takes his place among the piers, or that he will catch nothing but cold, and no fish by hook or by crook. All these are prohibited. " To talk of yellow pickles at dinner, and say the way to Turn'em Green is through Hammersmith all allu- sions to eating men, for Eton men, Staines on the table- cloth, Eggham, &c., are all exploded; as is all stuff about maids, and thornbacks, and plaice; or saying to a Jady who asks you to help her to the wing of a chicken, that it is a mere matter of a pinion all quibbles about dressing hare and cutting it all stuff about a merry fellow being given to wine; or, upon helping yourself, to say you have uplatomc affection for roast beef; or when fried fish runs short singing to the mistress of the house, with Tom Moore, ' Your sole, though a very sweet sole, love, Will ne'er be sufficient for ine,' a re entirely banished. " At the playhouse never talk of being a Pittite be- cause you happen not to be in the boxes never observe whatever a Kean eye one actor has, or that another can never grow old because he must always be Young never talk of the uncertainty of Mundane affairs in a farce, or observe how Terry-\Ay well a man plays Mr. Simpson banish from your mind the possibility of saying the Covent Garden manager has put his best Foot forward, or that you should like to go to Chester for a day or two j or that you would give the world to be tied to a Tree, or that Mr. Macready is a presentable actor all such stuff is interdicted. " In speaking of parliament, forget Broom and Birch, Wood and Cole, Scarlett and White, Lamb and the Leake, the Hares and the Herons, the Cooks and the Bruins; such jumbles will lead into great difficulties, and invariably end, without infinite caution, in an observation that the conduct of that House is always regulated by the best possible Manners. " There are some temptations very difficult to avoid for instance, last Saturday we saw gazetted as a bank- rupt, ' Sir John Lade, Cornhill, watchmaker.' Now this, we confess, was a provocation hard of resistance. "VVhca THEODORE HOOK. 183 one sees a lad of sixty-four set up only to break down, and perceives that whatever he may do with watches, he could not make a case before the insolvent Debtors' Court; and, moreover, since his taking to watch-making, arose from his having in the Spring of life gone upon tick, and that the circumstance may be considered as a striking instance of a bad wind-up; we admit that in the hands of a young beginner such a thing is quite irresistible; but such temptations should be avoided us much as possible. "We nave not room to set down all the prohibited puns extant ; but we have just shown that the things which one hears when one dines in the City (where men eat peas with a two-pronged fork, and bet hats with each other), as novelties, and the perfection of good fun, are all flat, stale, and unprofitable to those who have lived a little longer and seen a little more of the world, and who have heard puns when it was the fashion to commit them at the West end of the town." John Bull, 1823. In the art of punning, whatever be its merits or de- merits, Hook had few rivals, and but one superior, if indeed one we mean Mr. Thomas Hood. Among the innumerable "Theodores" on record, it will be difficult, of course, to pick out the best; but what he himself considered to be such, was addressed to the late unfortu- nate Mr. F , an artist, who subsequently committed suicide at the "Salopian" coffee-house for love, as it is said, of a popular actress. They were walking in the neighbourhood of Kensington, when the latter pointing out on a dead wall an incomplete or half-effaced inscrip- tion, running Warren's B ," was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. " Tis lackinq that should follow," observed Hook, in explanation. Nearly as good was his remark on the Duke of Darmstadt's brass band. " They well nigh stun one," said he, in reference to a morning concert, " with those terrible wind instruments, which roar away in defiance of all rule, except that which Hoyle addresses to young whist players when in doubt trump it!" 181 LIFE OF CHAPTER XIL * Maxwell." A Prolonged Sitting. Mr. Stephen Price. Trifling with an Appetite. Anecdote. " Love and Pride." Mr. Hook undertakes the Editorship of the " New Monthly Magazine." 4< Gilbert Gurney." Anecdotes. The great Mr. S . Story of Tom Sheridan. The Original of "Mr. Wells." " Gurney Married." " Jack Brag." Anecdotes. Proposed " History of Hanover." " Life of Charles Mathews." MR. HOOK'S next novel, " Maxwell" (1830), is, in point of plot, by far the most perfect of his productions ; the interest which is at once excited, never for an instant flags ; and the mystery, so far from being of the flimsy, transparent texture, common to romances, is such as to baffle the most practised and quick-witted discoverer of denouements, and to defy all attempts at elucidation, short of the unjustifiable reference to the thud volume, occa- sionally resorted to by invalids and readers devoid of self- control. The hero himself is said to be intended as a sketch of an eminent dentist, but the principal portrait is one, for finish and fidelity unsurpassed, and, to the best of our belief, unequalled. The strange melange of cynicism and kind-heartedness, selfishness and generosity, fascination and repulsiveness, refined tastes a id sordid habits, each ingredient being genuine, and unalulterated by affecta- tion, presented in the character of Godfrey Moss, is brought out with such admirable harmony and distinct- ness, as to impress the reader at once with the conviction that it ia no " unreal mockery" that is before him, but a veritable personage, humorous and eccentric to the very verge of credibility, but full of life and reality. The likeness carries with it that intrinsic stamp of accuracy perceptible in certain paintings, even to one unacquainted with the features of the original. A pun on paper loses somewhat of its relish you want it hissing hot from the intellectual furnace like an omelette orfondu, it becomes heavy as it grows cold but one of the most perfect after its kind, conveying, too, at one artistic stroke, the most admirable illustration of the Y1IEODOBE HOOK. 185 good-natured sarcasm of the man, is put into the mouth of Godfrey . When " Master Neddums," the son of Max- well, the surgeon, who, to the practice of the " regular M.D., or murderer of distinction," added that of an accoucheur, is narrating, with ecstacy, an adventure, in which he has saved a lovely young girl from being run over by a carriage in Long Acre -he is answered by his father : " ' And a very meritorious act, too, Ned,' said Maxwell, * no accident did happen to her, I hope ?' ' No job for the craft,' said Moss, ' no feeling for the faculty eh ? six and eightpence again, Kittums.' ' No, sir,* said Edward, ' she was, as they say, more frightened than hurt ; but she was all gratitude to me and called me her deliverer.' * Mistook you for your father, perhaps, Ned- dums, said Moss." The endearing diminutive " Kittums," by which God- frey here addresses Miss Maxwell, was that which the true man invariably applied to his old friend, Miss Stephens, the Dowager Countess of Essex. We are tempted to give one more anecdote of this extraordinary being, especially as the subject of our memoir was himself one of the parties therein concerned. They both had been dining with the late Mr. Stephen Price, the manager of Drury-lane theatre, and as the host shewed unequivocal symptoms of indisposition he was suffering severely from gout in the hand the party broke up early ; and all but Cannon and Hook took their leave by about eleven o'clock. Upon them every possible hint short of absolute rudeness was expended in vain ; a small table had been wheeled up close to the fire, amply furnished with potations such as they loved, and they were not to be wiled away. At length, unable to endure the increasing pain, Price quietly summoned up an inex- haustible supply of " black spirits and white," and leaving his guests to mingle as they might, stole off unobserved to bed. Next morning, about nine, his servant entered his room. " Well, sir," said Price, on awaking, " pray, at what time did those two gentlemen go, last night r" " Go, sir?" repeated the man. 186 LIFE OF "I asked ye, sir, at what time did Mr. Hook and Mr. Cannon go ? " Oh, they are not gone yet, sir," replied John, "they've just rung for coffee ! " Mr. Price, himself, was a man of singular and eccentric character, and would have formed an admirable subject for a portrait ; under the hands of his artistic friend, he woula have become as popular as Hull or Daly, or Godfrey Moss ; Hook neglected or postponed him : but a few, and those not the most prepossessing, of his features are said to be preserved in Mr. Poole's clever sketch of the- " Pangrowhon Club ;" to say the truth, his habits were, not all of them, the best adapted to the liberty, equality, and fraternity of such a society ; he would stroll, for example, in heavy creaking boots, along the coffee room of the , casting a penetrating eye right and left, till he found some young and too easily satisfied member dis- cussing his solitary chop. "What have you got there, sir?" he would ask, plunging a fork into the questionable viand, and holding it up, to the indignation of the proprietor, " D' ye mean to say you can eat this thing ? Waiter ! d' ye call this a chop fit to set before a gentleman ? Take it away, air, and bring the gentleman another." On one occasion his gratuitous supervision was happily anticipated. "You need not trouble yourself, Price," exclaimed a diner, on seeing him enter the room, and throw an in- quiring glance upon the table which he was occupying "I have got," and he held up his plate, "a broiled fowl, much burned in parts, underdone in others, and no mushrooms ! " Mathews, too, if we remember right, introduced him in one of his entertainments, as the gentleman whose choler was perpetually aroused by the sweet sounds proceeding from muffin-men, sweeps, organ-grinders, and others; " It isn't that I mind his bawling about the streets, but then, sir, the man has a r'-right to do it." Mr. Price was an American by birth, and a proficient, it is said, in the national accomplishment duelling ; in this country he was more favourably known as a bon THEODOBE HOOK. 187 vivant of taste, and a giver of bachelor dinners of a high order ; he was, moreover, the first promulgator of one of those Transatlantic beverages, which are justly the admi- ration of the curious. It is a species of punch, in which gin, maraschino, and iced soda-water are blended in a certain occult and scientific way, and is esteemed of sove- reign worth in very hot weather, or in cases where an obstinate and unaccountable thirst has somehow sur- vived the repeated efforts made to quench it the preceding day. Hook, one afternoon succeeding a banquet at the Free- mason's Tavern, where the port had been particularly fiery or the salmon had disagreed with him, happened tc drop in at "the Club," and found the mighty master with an amphora of his potent elixir before him : the former was with some difficulty probably no great deal induced to give an opinion as to its merits ; but it was a matter not to be decided lightly, and some half-dozen pints of the beguiling compound were discussed ere the authoritative "imbibatur" went forth. In the evening, at Lord Canterbury's, Hook was observed to eat even less than usual, and, on being asked whether he was unwell, replied "Oh no, not exactly; but my stomach won't bear trifling with, and I was foolish anough to take a biscuit and a glass of sherry by way of luncheon." But it required a head stronger even than Theodore Hook's and it would be no easy task to point out the particular pair of shoulders that carried it to stand proof in every instance against these mid-day " triflings." We can vouch for one extraordinary scene in which Hook figured, that owed its origin to a similar pre-prandial indiscretion. The dinner, at which he was afterwards engaged, was a public one, and connected with some literary object ; for a considerable time all went on as it commonly does on such occasions ; gentlemen "charged their glasses," the regular toasts were proposed, drunk with the usual enthusiasm, and responded to by indi- viduals unaccustomed, as ever, to public speaking. At length the prescribed list being exhausted, one of the stewards, slightly acquainted with Mr. Hook, but who- was, or had been, on terms not the most cordial with him 188 LIFE or .rose nevertheless, and, calling the attention of the com- pany to the presence of the eminent visitor, proceeded to give his health in a very flattering speech. The toast was naturally received with unanimous appro- bation, and people began to quit their tables and to crowd round the spot where the great wit was seated all on the tip-toe of expectation for the facetious reply. Hook rose with an air of unusual sternness his unlooked-for aspect itself elicited immediately a handsome round of applause and, darting around glances full of ire and in- dignation at the gathering crowd, he commenced his reply, in terms not the most complimentary, to what, under the circumstances, he considered the liberty thai had been taken with his name. Louder and louder grew the laughter as the speech went on, each sentence be- traying an increase of warmth; the simulation was admirable the turn so very original and unexpected, and a deafening clattering of glasses, on the part of the audience, marked their nice appreciation of the jest. Those in his immediate vicinity soon became aware of the genuine exacerbation of the speaker, who was now iashed into a perfect frenzy ; every attempt was made to ap- pease him, but, for some time, in vain ; meanwhile, the real nature of the /UK they had been so rapturously enjoying, 'began to be made manifest to those who stood next in pro- pinquity, and at last became known throughout the room ; and during the confusion which ensued, Hook was pre- vailed upon to resume his seat. Ample apologies were despatched on tho following morning to the proper quar- ters, more especially to the gentleman who had been the means of introducing him on the occasion. "He had never in his life been so completely thrown off his guard it was all owing to one of those ' confounded' glasses of sherry at the ." But notwithstanding the round of gaiety and pleasure in whLh the greater number of his evenings were spent, the tiire so employed cannot be said to have been alto- geth v wasted ; for, to a writer who has to draw from life, whoso books are men and women, and to whom the fossip and on dits of the day are the rough material of is manufacture, a constant mixing in society of every accessible rank is absolutely necessary to one of hia THEODORE HOOK. 181> taste and discrimination, the higher the grade the better. Whithersoever he went he carried with him not only an unfailing fund of entertainment, but also unslumbering powers of observation, that served to redeem what other- wise would have appeared mere weakness and self- indulgence. And that he was not slow to avail himself of the advantages that fell to his share, no one will deny who casts a glance over the list of productions he gave to the world, during a period when the intellectual exertion of his convivial hours alone would have exhausted the energies, physical and mental, of well-nigh any other man. In 1832, he published the "Life of Sir David Baird," two vols. 8vo, a standard biographical work, and one spoken of in the highest terms of approbation by the influential Eeviews of the day. So satisfied a somewhat rare case were the family with the manner in which he executed his task, that they presented him, in testimony of their approval, with a magnificent gold snuff-box set with brilliants, the gift of the Pacha of Egypt to the subject of the memoir. The trinket, on its arrival, is said to have been tossed without examination into a drawer,, the receptacle of a hundred unconsidered trifles, from which it was happily rescued on the accidental discovery of its value and importance. In 1833 he sent forth no less than six volumes, replete with originality and wit. A novel called the " Parson's Daughter," 3 vols. ; and a couple of stories under the title of " Love and Pride," also in 3 vols. In one of the latter, the supposed resemblance of Liston to a certain noble lord is happily turned to account ; the being mis* taken for Mr. Bugging, principal low comedian of the Theatre Boyal, Drury Lane, forming a light and pointed climax to the congeries of ridiculous miseries heaped on the unfortunate " Marquis." The original " double" of the oddly favoured actor alluded to, is reported to have borne the play upon his features with much greater philosophy. A good-natured friend, so runs the story, hastened eagerly to present him with an impression of the last KB. of which " These two Dromios, one in semblance." / 190 LIFE OF formed the subject. So far from appearing irritated, his lordship laughed heartily at the caricature, and disa- vowed any ill-feeling towards the artist who had taken the liberty and the likeness. " Ay," replied his informant, " it may be a matter of no importance to you, but I understand Liston is deucedly annoyed !" In 1836, Mr. Hook undertook the editorship of the " New Monthly Magazine," at a salary of 4001. per annum, exclusive of the sums to be paid for original con- tributions. Here he commenced his " Gilbert Gurney," accommodating himself to the exceedingly uncomfort- able practice, now a 1 ! but universal among popular and prolific novelists, of delivering his tale by monthly instal- ments. One of his last letters, addressed to Mr. Poole, a fellow contributor to the pages of " The New Monthly," was in deprecation of this plan, which is not only weari- some to the reader, but positively fatal to anything like fair development of plot. Of all his works (we must not limit the assertion to those of fiction, for it scarcely comes within that cate- gory) " Gilbert Gurney" is by far the most mirth-pro- voking and remarkable. His own adventures form the ground-work of the comedy ; himself and his friends figure as the dramatis persona, and throughout the whole there appear an unrestrained expression of private feel- ings, and a frequency of personal allusion, that give it the semblance, and almost the interest of true history. In casting our eye over the volumes, we are at a loss to point out a single character of importance that has not its prototype, or an incident the most incredible tho most true that is not, in some measure, founded on fact. Of the former, his own spirit animates the two more prominent specimens, Daly and Gumey himself; to the more volatile moiety are attributed those mas- qtieradings and extravagances which it would have been not altogether consistent with the author's dignity to appropriate immediately ; while in the career of his hero are shadowed forth many particulars of his own position and pursuits in early life.' To sundry of them, his birth coincident with that of Byron, his brother by seventeen years his senior, the loss of his mother, his introduc- THEODORE 1IOOK. 191 tion to literary and theatrical circles, the Thames and Bernere Street hoaxes, &c. we have before had occa- sion to advert. There may be added, the very first plaisanterie of Mi: Daly on the river : " ' I sav, you sir,' cried the undaunted joker to a very respectable round-bodied gentleman who was sitting squeezed into the stern-sheets of a skiff, floating most agreeably to himself adown the stream, * what are you doing there ? You have no business in that boat, and you know it!' " A slight yaw of the skiff into the wind's eye was the only proof of the stout navigator's agitation. Still Daly was inexorable, and he again called to the unhappy mariner to get out of the boat. " ' I tell you, my fat friend,' cried he, ' you have no business in that boat ! ' " Flesh and blood could not endure this reiterated declaration. The ire of the cockney was roused. " ' No business in this boat, sir? What d'ye mean?' " ' I mean what I say,' said Daly ; ' you have no busi- ness in it, and I'll prove it.' " ' I think, sir, you will prove no such thing,' said the navigator, whose progress through the water was none of the quickest ; ' perhaps you don't know, sir, that this is my own pleasure-boat ? ' " * That's it,' said Daly ; ' now you have it no man can have any business in a pleasure-bont. Good-dav, sir. That's all.' " In the same manner, the "doctoring" the macaroon cakes, the substitution of the bullock for the cow, and the destruction of the reserved supper, are genuine enormities actually practised upon the late Duchess of Buckinghamshire. Nor is the anecdote with which Mr. Daly introduces himself less authentic, although it is one in which the author, fortunately for his credit, had no personal share. It happened that an individual, an acquaintance of his youthful days, a Mr. James H , being in some pecunia y embarrassment, positively pre- sented himself to a tradesman, to whom he owed a con- " Gilbert Gurney," p. 49. 192 LIFE OF siderable sum, as his own brother, and succeeded in beguiling the unsuspecting tailor or upholsterer into the belief that his debtor had died abroad insolvent ; some trifling composition was, under that impression, readily accepted, and an acquittance in full duly delivered. We are unable to say whether the ingenious gentleman " polished off the end of the story with any retributive facts," but in this dull country of shopkeepers, whose " imaginary paradise," as the wise and witty Canon hath it, " is some planet of punctual payment, where ready money prevails, and debt and discount are unknown," it would be no easy matter to bring together twelve good men and true, possessed of sufficient acumen to discover the excellence of the jest. They might be apt to take a less imaginative view of the transaction. The second volume of the novel opens with a descrip- tion of one of those delightful Sydenham dinners before spoken of, where round the board of the hospitable Tom were wont to congregate not a few of the brightest wits tnd geniuses of the day, " A day, alas ! gone by." "Where now may we look for the elements of a sympo- sium such as that to which Mr. Gurney was admitted beneath the roof of the merry bachelor? Coleridge " the poet," Tim. lege Mat., the " actor," Barnes, " the editor," Hook, poet, actor, editor in one, together with the eccentric little host himself all are gone ! Dulerfy alone, " the barrister," now u Mounted to the lunar sphere," yet "remains.* The sheriff, Hook used to say, was an imaginary character, a farcical abstraction, introduced simply as a foil to the genuine brilliants ; but the Judge, subsequently depicted as presiding at the Old Bailey, will be readily recognized as a sketch, by no means over- charged, of a late functionary, whose final blunder was even of a more serious nature than those attributed to him by the novelist, f We regret to state that this is no longer so : Mr. Dubois baa passed away with tbe rest f It was no IMS than tbe allowing a prisoner to be left fur THEODOEE HOOK. 193 The dinner with the "Worshipful Company of Tooth- pick Makers, in which Mr. Hicks, " a name dear to every Englishman," so advantageously figures, was suggested by a scene at which the late Mr. Barham, who mentioned the circumstance to Hook, was present. He had been invited by a friend to dine with the trustees of a certain charity at Canonbury House, Islington, and punctual to his appointment entered on the stroke of five. Some ten or a dozen highly respectable individuals were assembled. " Generally speaking," says Gurney, " they ran fat and wore white waistcoats," and a half hour was pleasantly occupied in discussing the topics of the day, ana in reviv- ing reminiscences of the last meeting. As it drew near six, there was a gradual lull in the conversation ; watches were consulted, and some indistinct expressions of sur- prise became audible. At length Mr. Barham ventured to inquire of one of his new acquaintances, when it was probaole that dinner would be served ? " He is not come, sir." " And may I ask," pursued the inquirer, " who is nov come?" " He, sir, Mr. S s, sir!" " Indeed ! but, I beg your pardon, pray who is Mr. S s?" " Who is Mr. S s!" repeated the worthy trustee in astonishment ; " why, my dear sir, he is the Mr. S s, the great Mr. S s, the great Mr. S s of Hill!" With some recollection, possibly, of Lucifer's reproof, Mr. Barham forbore further question. The time wore on, and the converse " which for a while did fail," was now renewed on all sides, and Mr. S s " was the cry." " Where is he ?" " Can't have forgotten ?" " Mr. S s never forgets." " Can't have met with an accident." " Mr. S s never meets with an accident," &c. Seven o'clock struck, and no Mr. S s, and what was worse, no dinner ! About half-past seven, a carriage drove up, and in a few minutes a stout, affable gentleman walked leisurely execution whose pardon had come down from the Secretary of State. The error was fortunately, but by the merest accident, discovered in time to save the life of the unhapny culprit Hi* judge was induced to retire in consequence. 194 LIFE OP into the room, rubbing bis hands not knowing, doubtless,, what else to do with them, as nobody present seemed on " shaking" terms and, after a few smiles, nods, and courteous replies to inquiries after his health, but not one single word of apology, he quietly remarked, that he thought " dinner ought to he ready," and on its being announced, led the way into the hall of banquet and BO on through the next hour, did the great Mr. S s continue to treat his obsequious friends most completely de haut en bos ; and the free and independent Britons bowed themselves down before the millionaire, ministered to his vanity, and endured his patronage quite as matters of course. The cloth was hardly removed, when the door opened and in bounced a red-faced gentleman, who made his way up the great man, shipped him familiarly on the back, and exclaimed : "Ah, S s, my boy, who would have thought of tumbling upon you! I have only just heard from the waiter that you were in the house but we've a snug party up stairs : A , and B , and C are there : you must come and join us." "Dear me!" said Mr. S s, "are they, indeed? it 's a little awkward, but I dare say, under the circum- stances, my worthy brother trustees here will excuse me and Here followed a little whispering with his right-hand neighbour " as short as possible," being the only words that reached the ear; after a little deliberation, that gentleman rose; regretted that Mr. S s was com- pelled to quit them so very early in the evening, &c., and concluded by proposing his health, " with the usual honours." Mr. 8 s briefly responded; and then taking the arm of his friend, left the company, without further ceremony, to enjoy their wine and walnuts, so far as they could contrive to do so in his absence. Fresh incidents, taken from real life, the results of the author's own observation in society, meet us at every chapter; it will be sufficient to particularize two, Mr. Daly's involuntary trespass upon the " Bagwash preserves," and the ingenious mode in which Gilbert is coaxed into a proposal for the hand of Miss Harriet Wells. Of the first adventure, young Tom Sheridan. THEODORE HOOK. 195 was the hero; and although the story has been told before, yet as the following version is undoubtedly the true one, and as it has the advantage, moreover, of coming from Hook's own pen, we shall venture to repeat it: " He (Tom Sheridan) was staying at Lord Craven's at Eenham (or rather Hampstead), and one day pro- ceeded on a shooting excursion, like Hawthorn, with only ' his dog and his gun,' on foot, and unattended by companion or keeper ; the sport was bad the birds few and shy and he walked and walked in search of game, until, unconsciously, he entered the domain of some neighbouring squire. " A very short time after, he perceived advancing towards him, at the top of his speed, a jolly, comfortable- looking gentleman, followed by a servant, armed, as it appeared for conflict. Tom took up a position, and waited the approach of the enemy. " ' Hallo ! you sir,' said the squire, when within half- ear-shot, ' what are you doing here, sir, eh ?' " ' I 'm shooting, sir,' said Tom. " ' Do you know where you are, sir ?' said the squire. " ' I 'm here, sir,' said Tom. " ' Here, sir,' said the squire, growing angry ; ' and do you know where here is, sir ? These, sir, are my manors ; what d'ye think of that, sir, eh ?' " ' Why, sir, as to your manners,' said Tom, ' I can't say they seem over agreeable.' " ' I don't want any jokes, sir,' said the squire, * I hate jokes. Who are you, sir, what are you ?' " * Why, sir,' said Tom, ' my name ia Sheridan I am staying at Lord Craven's I have come out for some sport I have not had any, and I am not aware that I am trespassing.' " ' Sheridan P said the squire, cooling a little ; ' oh, from Lord Craven's, eh ? Well, sir, I could not know that, sir I' " ' No, sir,' said Tom, ' but you need not have been ia a passion.' " ' Not in a passion ! Mr. Sheridan, 1 said the squire, 'you don't know, sir, what these preserves have cost me, and the pains and trouble I have been at with them ; o2 196 LITE OP it's all very well for you to talk, but if you were in my place I should like to know what you would say upon such an occasion.' " ' Why, sir,' said Tom, ' if I were in your place, under all the circumstances, I should say I am convinced, Mr. Sheridan, you did not mean to annoy me ; and, as you look a good deal tired, perhaps you '11 come up to my house and take some refreshment r " The squire was hit hard by this nonchalance, and (as the newspapers say), ' it is needless to add,' acted upon Sheridan's suggestion. " ' So far,' said poor Tom, ' the story tells for me, now you shall hear the sequel.' " After having regaled himself at the squire's house, and having said five hundred more good things than he swallowed; having delighted his host, and more than half won the hearts of his wife and daughters, the sports- man proceeded on his return homewards. " In the course of his walk, he passed through a farm- yard ; in the front of the farm-house was a green, in the centre of which was a pond, in the pond were ducks innumerable swimming and diving ; on its verdant banks a motley group of gallant cocks and pert partlets, picking and feeding the farmer was leaning over the hatch of the barn, which stood near two cottages on the side of the green. " Tom hated to go back with an empty bag ; and, having failed in his attempts at higher game, it struck him as a good joke to ridicule the exploits of the day himself, in order to prevent any one else from doing it for him, and he thought that to carry home a certain number of the domestic inhabitants of the pond and ita vicinity would serve the purpose admirably. Accord- ingly up he goes to the fanner and accosts him very civilly " ' My good friend,' says Tom, ' I'll make you an offer ' " ' Of what, sur ?' says the farmer. " ' Why,' replies Tom, ' I 've been out all day fagging after birds, and haven't had a shot now, both my barrels are loaded I should like to take home something ; what shall I give you to let me have a shot with each barrel THEODORE HOOK. 197 at those ducks and fowls I standing here and to have whatever I kill?' * What sort of a shot are you ?' said the farmer. ' Fairish,' said Tom, ' fairish.' ' And to have all you kill ?' said the farmer, ' eh ?' ' Exactly so,' said Tom. ' Half a guinea,' said the farmer. * That's too much,' said Tom. ' I'll tell you what I'll do I'll give you a seven-shilling piece, which hap- pens to be aU the money I have in my pocket.' " ' Well,' said the man, ' hand it over.' " The payment was made Tom, true to his bargain, took his post by the barn-door, and let fly with one barrel and then with the other ; and such quacking and splashing, and screaming and fluttering, had never been seen in that place before. " Away ran Tom, and, delighted at his success, picked up first a hen, then a chicken, then fished out a dying duck or two, and so on, until he numbered eight head of domestic game, with which his bag was nobly dis- tended. " ' Those were right good shots, sir,' said the farmer. " ' Yes,' said Tom, ' eight ducks and fowls were more than you bargained for, old fellow worth rather more, I suspect, than seven shillings eh?' " ' Why, yes,' said the man, scratching his head ' I think they be ; but what do I care for that they are none of them mine!' " l Here,' said Tom, ' I was for once in my life beaten, and made off as fast as I could, for fear the right owner of my game might make his appearance not but that I could have given the fellow that took me in seven times as much as I did, for his cunning and coolness.' " The Mr. Wells before alluded to was intended for a late eminent divine, who held a nrebendal stall in Cathedral; of the accuracy of the portrait, we know nothing, but in the scene of courtship, if so it may be called, the fiction certainly appears to fall short of the reality. Hook, indeed, used to declare, that though by no means deficient in the quality of assurance, he felt himself, and all that he had done, thrown completely 198 LIFE OF into the shade by the consummate coolness of the rev. gentleman alluded to. In him this might have been mere modesty a It is the witness still of excellency, To put a strange lace on its own perfection," but inferior minds must regard with feelings of intense admiration, the conception and execution of the worthy prebend's matrimonial coup. A young friend, also a clergyman, who was staying at his house, and dreaming as much of becoming a bishop as a benedict, happened to be sitting up one night engaged in reading, after the family, as he supposed, had retired to rest. The door opened, and his excellent host re-appeared in dressing-gown and slippers. " My dear boy," said the latter, seating himself and looking pathetically at his guest, " I have a few words to say -don't look alarmed, they will prove agreeable enough to you rely upon it. The fact is, Mrs. and myself have for some time observed the attention which you have paid to Betsy; we can make every allowance, knowing your principles as we do, for the diffidence which has hitherto tied your tongue, but it has been carried far enough ; though in a worldly point of view, Betsy, of course, might do better, yet we have all the highest esteem for your character and disposition and then our daughter she is very dear to us, and where her happiness is at stake, all minor considerations must give way. We have, therefore, after due deliberation, I must own, not altogether without hesitation, made up our minds to the match. What must be, must be ; you are a worthy fellow, and, therefore, at a word, you have our free and cordial consent : only make our child happy, and we ask no more." The astonished divine, half-petrified, laid down his book. " My dear sir," he began to murmur, " here is some dreadful mistake ; I really never thought that is, I never intended " " No, no, I know you did not ; your modesty, indeed, is one of those traits which have made you so deservedly a favourite with us all ; but, my dear boy, a parent's eyes T11EODOIIE HOOK. 199 are sharp anxiety sharpens them, we saw well enough what you thought so well concealed. Betsy, too, just the girl to be so won ! Well, well, say no more about it it is all over now. God bless you both, only make her a good husband. Here she is. I have told Mrs. to bring her down again, for the sooner young folks are put out of suspense the better. Settle the matter as soon as you like : we will leave you together." Thus saying, the considerate papa bestowed a most affectionate kiss upon his daughter, who was at this juncture led into the room by her mother, both en des- habille, shook his future son-in-law cordially by the hand, and with a " There, there, go along Mrs. ," hurried his wife out of the room, and left the lovers (?) to their tete-a-tete. What was to be done? common humanity, to say nothing of politeness, demanded nothing less than a proposal; it was tendered accordingly, and we need scarcely add, very graciously received. A sequel to " Gurney " was published in the pages of the "New Monthly," and afterwards collected into a single volume. Two evening guns, however, are equally objectionable with two morning; the story was very fairly wound up with the hero's marriage, and it was hardly advisable to append a second denouement. The main feature of the continuation is the further development of the character of Nubley, in whom many of its readers will have no difficulty in recognising the late excellent but eccentric Lord Dudley and Ward. Instances of that nobleman's extraordinary absence of mind, and particularly of a habit so rarely indulged in, except upon the stage, of confiding the most secret resolves in very audible whispers to those around, might be quoted ad infinitum: thus, when suffering on one occasion from the annoyance it was his whim to con- sider it such of having a companion in his carriage- he began to mutter aloud, after a considerable interval of sulky silence : " What a bore ! I ought to say something, I suppose. Perhaps I had better ask him to dinner. I'll think about it." The other laughed, and entering into the joke, replied in precisely the same tone. " What a bore! suppose he 200 LIFE OF should ask me to dinner, what should I do ? I'll think about it."* " Jack Brag," three vols., followed in '36; and here again the author hit upon a character with which he could go to work con amore. Vulgar, vain, and impudent, a cross between a tallow-chandler, and what in the cant phrase of the day is termed a sporting gent, a hanger-on upon the loose branches of the aristocracy, and occa- sionally thrown into society more respectable, Mr. Brag's gaucheries convulse the reader; while those who scorn not to read a warning, even on the page of a novel, may be led to devote more than a passing thought to the folly (to say the least of it) of indulging in the very silly and very common habit of perpetual though petty misrepre- sentation, as regards their means and position in life, and the nature and degree of their acquaintance with indi- viduals of a rank higher than their own. There is no lower depth of drawing-room degradation than is involved in the exposure of one of these pretenders ; unrecognised, perhaps, by his "most intimate friend" Lord A , cut by his " old crony " Sir John B , or never " heard of" by his "college chum," the Bishop of C . London would, of course, supply plenty of sitters for such a portrait as that of " Jack Brag," but Hook is said to have kept pretty steadily in view the features of one particular specimen of the genus a certain metro- politan sportsman, found frequently at the cover side in Surrey and elsewhere. It happened that the two met on one occasion at the house of Mr. Murray, the pub- lisher; an awkward rencontre, in alluding to which a few days afterwards, Hook asked his friend how he could permit such an underbred cockney to cross his threshold? " I have just parted with him," was the reply ; " and he was equally curious to learn how I ventured to admit into my family such an impertinent caricaturist as yourself/' * Thus Mr. Nubley : " Here he stared and fixed his eyes upon me, and began to pick the stubble hair out of his chin, with a short, sharp sort of a jerk. He sat so occupied for about a minute, when he began to think. " Umph ! knew his father foolish man not quite so ugly as Cuthbert don't think he'll ever come to good in the House. I'll see !" THEODORE HOOK. 201 Other characters, besides that of the hero, are pro- bably taken from the life ; the Dover exquisite, for in- stance, young Gunnersbury, we suspect to be a genuine sketch from the " Marine Parade." The incidents, also, as in the preceding tales, are far from being purely imaginary. The artifice of paying a trifling sum into the hands of a gentleman's banker, for the purpose of bringing up his balance to the amount of a bill about to be presented, was actually resorted to in a certain case by the holder of the security. Nor are the circum- stances of Mr. Brag's disappointment very dissimilar from what once happened to the author himself. Believ- ing that a note of hand which he had given to his wine- merchants, was to become due on a particular day, he- called at their house of business, and requested as an especial favour that the draft might be kept back for a short time, when he should be better able to meet it. This was really promised by one of the partners ; but he observed, as Mr. Hook was taking his leave, that the latter appeared unusually dull and out of spirits. "Yes! I confess I am," replied Hook. "I am ha- rassed by money matters ; I have received this morning an intimation Irom Herries's people that my account with them is overdrawn; whereas, I confidently reckoned upon having a considerable balance in hand." The facts turned out to be, that the term of the bill which he was so anxious to prolong had expired two or three days before, and that on being duly presented by one of the senior members of the firm, it had been, a little perhaps to his astonishment, and after some demur among the clerks, paid. Hence the unlocked for absorp- tion of all Theodore's stock of loose cash, and the dis- agreeable billet from Messrs. Herries ! The success of "Jack Brag" was such as in the author's judgment to warrant the production of a "Sequel," to which he would probably have lent his name as editor. He thus addresses Mr. Bentley on the subject. " DEAB SIB, 'Fulham. " I will attend to your note, and take good heart, and work accordingly. I send you herewith a novel of a '202 LIFE OF novel character, which I think would make a hit if done directly : it is " The adventures of Jack Brag after he joined the Legion in Spain," to which I send him at the end of my history. The point of the work and its object is the disclosure of much of the proceedings of the Legion; the characters introduced are portraits, and, blended with the humorous parts, would, no doubt be very attractive. Its correctness geographically is un- questionable, it being from the pen of an officer of the Legion itself; I believe you are acquainted with the author's name through other works Major . I wish you would look over it, and the sooner you come to a decision the better, as Major leaves England on the 20th. Believe me, &c. "T. B. HOOK." That the vicissitudes of the Spanish Legion would, in the hands of the gallant av-roinTj^ supply ample materials for a very entertaining work, we have no doubt : but our protest has already been entered against those literary monsters, stories with two tails ; a bi- caudal pacha may possibly be a very agreeable companion, it is not so with a book, especially when the cumbrous appendage happens to be tacked on by a stranger. The publisher seems to have acted upon this opinion in the present instance, and the project fell to the ground. "Jack Brag" was followed, in 1839, by "Births, Marriages, and Deaths," which, notwithstanding its infe- licitous title, as far as fitness goes, it might as well have been called " Law Notices," or " Fashionable Intel- ligence," or by other newspaper " heading," was a novel of a higher class than any he had before attempted : the humour is scantier and more subdued than here- tofore, and though the magnificent Colonel Magnus, and his rascally attorney Brassey, here and there afford admirable sport, the latter, with his economical wardrobe, to wit : " one tooth-brush twisted up in a piece of whitey -brown paper ; a razor by itself razor, tied with a piece of red tape to a round pewter shaving-box (enclos- ing a bit of soap), with the tip of its handle peeping from the bottom of a leathern case, like the feet of a long-legged Lilliputian sticking out of his coffin ; a re- THEODOBE HOOK. 203 markably dirty flannel under-waistcoat, edged with light blue silk and silver ; one pair of black silk socks, brown in the bottoms," &c. yet the general effect is heavy, heavier, that is, than the public were inclined to accept from the pen of Theodore Hook. The reduced sum of 6001. was paid for the copyright, but the work did little more than cover its expenses. This, in point of i'act, may be considered his last finished work. " Precepts and Practice," appeared in 1840, the name an obvious plagiarism, and from him- self, being merely a collection of short papers and tales, published during the preceding year or two, in the "New Monthly," of which he was the editor. As for " Fathers and Sons," portions of which appeared in the same maga- zine, and "Peregrine Bunce," we believe neither of them to have been completed by his own hand ; of the latter about one hundred pages of the last of the three volumes were certainly supplied by another writer. The story of " Peregrine" was suggested in the course of a conversation with Mr. Barham ; mention being made of one of his early Cambridgeshire schoolfellows. Hook, in an instant, assumed the manner and almost the features of an individual of whom he had lost sight for above forty years; and a relation of this gentleman's wife- hunting adventures, the prize invariably snatched away when all but within his grasp, his gradual depreciation iu the matrimonial market, the fall of his pretensions from twenty thousand pounds to ten and five, and his ultimate capture by a cleverer speculator than himself, induced his old acquaintance to take him for a hero of which he happened to be in want. The Rev. Slolberton Maicks, a subordinate sketch, was also, with some exaggeration, it is to be hoped, furnished from actual survey. To these works may be added the " Keminiscences of Michael Kelly," an agreeable olio of anecdote, musical and theatrical, ranging over a period of half a century, which we are told Mr. Hook, " from motives of pure kindness, re-wrote, that is to say, composed from rough illiterate materials ;" the style and dialogue are pointed up, and an occasional reflection, betraying ex pede Hercu- 2cm, is introduced, but the staple of the two volumes is the genuine experience of the veteran himself. Of a 204 LIFE OF somewhat similar character is " The French Stage," an adaptation from M. Fleury, edited by Hook in Is 11. a work which we believe attracted little notice, and to which he contributed but a few good-humoured and jocular notes. lie had previously translated the " Pascal Bruno," of Dumas. There can be no need at this day, to enter upon any lengthened criticism of Theodore Hook's merits as a novelist; they have been discussed over and over again, with little variety of opinion by every reviewer in the kingdom. Indeed, both his faults and his excellen- cies lie on the surface, and are obvious and patent to the most superficial reader ; his fables for the most part ill- knit and insufficient, disappoint as they are unfolded ; repetitions and omissions are frequent ; in short, a gene- ral want of care and finish is observable throughout, which must be attributed to the hurry in which he was compelled to write, arising from the multiplicity, and distracting nature of his engagements. His tendency to caricature was innate, but even this would probably have been in a great measure repressed, had he allowed himself sufficient time for correction. "While, on the contrary, in detached scenes which sprang up as pictures in his mind replete with comic circumstance, in brilliant dialogue and portraiture of character, not to mention those flashes of sound wisdom with which ever and anon his pages are lighted up, his wit and genius had fair play, revelling and rioting in fun, and achieving on the spur of the moment those lasting triumphs which cast into the- shade the minor and mechanical blemishes to which we have adverted. A comparison seems almost to force itself upon our notice, between the writings of Hook and those of a still more popular author, Mr. Charles Dickens. We shall not be tempted to pursue it further than to remark, that their subject-matter being in some measure the same, the former seems to survey society from a level more elevated and more distant than his competitor; his delineations ore in consequence general ana sketchy, those of the latter more technical and minute. Hook gives you a landscape, while "Boz" is tracing every leat of a parti- cular tree. The same analogy holds good as regards. THEODORE HOOK. 205 their moral teaching. Hook is pithy, pointed, and off- hand; the reflections of Mr. Dickeus are elaborated, with a care that occasionally, perhaps, detracts from their effect. Hook has undoubtedly the advantage of a more varied experience of the world, but the palm of originality must, we should think, be awarded to his rival. One more observation, and we have done. In the management of a dinner-party, Hook is certainly unap- proachable ; we have them of every possible grade, from the chef-d'oeuvre of a cordon bleu to the humble effort of the maid-of-all-work, with company to match. Not a story is without one, and yet there is no repetition, each will be found appropriate and distinctive : they rank among his principal agents in developing character, and winding up his plots. Nor is there anything remarkable that a man should select for those purposes, scenes in which he is perfectly at home, and which, indeed, com- prise his own particular sphere of action ; the only strange part of the business is, that he should have been doing so unconsciously all the while, and have never observed the habitude till it was pointed out to him by another. He defends it upon what must be admitted to be full and sufficient grounds : " Nothing," he says, "can be more just or true than the axiom, that no man knows himself. I was not con- scious of this peculiarity until it was pointed out to me by a stranger. The moment it was noticed, I looked back at as many of my ' narratives' as I could lay hold of at the time, and sure enough every important event occurs at ' dinner' or ' supper.' I have before noticed this just conclusion, and I have defended it, as I must again, upon the plain and undeniable fact, that it is at and after dinner or supper (more especially when the supper comes late, after a ball), that all the pleasurable business of society is transacted, and that the bashful Englishman, and the timid Englishwoman are never so much at their ease, as when they are sitting round a table ; and, more- over, that the table in question, whether one eats and drinks or not, is, and must be, the point de reunion of every circle every day in the week, whether in London or in a country-house." A few years before hia death, Mr. Hook contemplated 20G LIFE OP a work of a more important nature than any he has given to the public no less than a History of Hanover ; and in which, to judge from the promise of speedy publica- tion, put forth in the " Prospectus," he must have made considerable progress ; but whether he would ever have found time, or even patience, for the research and labour necessarily involved in such an undertaking, is doubtful. It is ns well, perhaps, for his literary fame that the design was left incomplete, or, as we suspect, altogether aban- doned. Of far richer promise was the "Life" of his old associate, Charles Mathews, the first chapter of which all he ever wrote is before us, and for which he was to have received five hundred pounds. A difference of opinion arising between the family and himself, respect- ing the proposed length of the " Memoirs," he recom- mending two, they contending for three volumes, he resigned the task into hands, certainly proved by the result, fully competent for its performance. That for once, his more experienced judgment was in error, and his foresight less keen than that of persons more inte- rested, appears from the success that has attended the work in a form still more extended.* That Theodore Hook would have produced a masterly and brilliant book one which would have added, in no little degree, to his own reputation, and surpassed, perhaps, any thing of the kind in existence his introductory pages go far to testify. But it must be admitted, that as an amusing record of theatrical men and manners, and a minute ex- position of the genius and eccentricities of her husband,. Mrs. Mathews has left little to be desiderated. It U published in four large octavo volume* TILEODOBB HOOK. 207 CHAPTEE Mr. Hook removes to Cleveland Row. His losses and embarrass- ments. His return to Fashionable Life. Hook at Drayton, Manor. Anecdotes. Mr. Barham's Recollections of Hook. His Retreat at Fulham. Letter. THE great success of Mr. Hook's first novels, and the large sums they brought him in, proved indirectly, as is too often the case with literary men, the cause of much of his subsequent embarrassment ; his better judgment was completely dazzled by the prospect that appeared to open ; he seemed to think that by virtue of his pen, an almost unlimited income was placed at his command, and he launched out accordingly into expenses, and adopted a style of hospitality that induced the most disastrous consequences. His first step was to give up, in 1827, his moderate establishment at Putney, and hire a large and fashionable mansion in Cleveland Eow, belonging; to his friend, Lord Lowther, but in the hands, at that time, of the late Captain Marryat. For this he paid 200/. a year, and immediately laid out between two and three thousand pounds in furniture and decorations accepting bills for the amount, and trusting to the returns from the " John Bull" and other publications for the wherewith to meet them. This was his great error, and one which no amount of exertion sufficed to repair. Heady money be- came scarce, supplies were to be raised at any cost, his account with the paper was overdrawn, and the patience of his co-proprietors exhausted ; fresh engagements were, in consequence, entered into, and advances obtained from the publishers. And here we may take the opportunity of observing that in his transactions with these gentlemen, that is to say, with Messrs. Bentley and Colburn, with whom he was principally concerned, he appears to have been treated with marked consideration and liberality ; such most surely is apparent from the uniform tenor of his own declarations, throughout a correspondence extending over many years, and referring to a complicity of literary engagements made, modified, fulfilled, and cancelled, in 203 LIFE or ready, it might be almost said indulgent, acquiescence with his wishes. It would not have been necessary to advert to the circumstance at all, but from the fact that some unguarded expressions let fall in certain published sketches of his lite, would lead to the supposition that advantage was taken, by the parties in question, of Mr. Hook's embarrassments. As it is, let him speak himself. We quote from two letters, bearing date respectively, 1830 and 1839 being about the first and the last of the series before us : " Assure yourself that I do this with great pain, be- cause, as I have always said, and say still, / have been so liberally treated by your house, that it seems almost pre- suming upon kindnesses," &c. Again : " I assure you I would not press the matter in a quarter where, / am proud and happy to say as I do to everybody I have met with the greatest liberality; but it is of vital consequence to me, and would put me at my ease to do my business -with a cheerful mind and a light heart." This testimony, capable of manifold corroboration, from the same source, will probably be deemed sufficient. Both the letters obviously refer to the involved state of his finances, and in a third, application for an advance of money is made, under feelings of excitement still more intense, and the result of a refusal hinted at in terms the most gloomy and significant. The proceeds of his intellectual resources being thus mortgaged and forestalled, and his energies, in conse- quence, withdrawn from the " Bull," in favour of more pressing claimants, the sale of the paper, together with his clear profit of two thousand a year, began rapidly to .sink. Straitened and reduced, he remained, nevertheless, for a time unwilling to retrench ; there was but one alternative, and he became speedily entangled in the meshes of usurers and bill-discounters, and all the ob- scene tribe of vampires that feed on the extravagant and necessitous. It is not, however, without a feeling of satisfaction, that we are enabled to trace much of the pecuniary distress in which he became so early and appa- rently so inexplicably involved, to the imprudence or ill fortune of others. In 1831, we find him soliciting ad- vance* from his publishers, on the ground of a " loss of TIIEODOBE HOOK. 209 upwards of'l,500Z., sustained during the year, by the bankruptcy of two or three friends." His connection with one firm, in particular, plunged him into sudden and considerable difficulty ; he had undertaken the editor- ship oi some literary speculation, and had received large sums in paper on account, most of which had been paid into the hands of his upholsterers, when the failure of the house, just as these Dills were becoming due, en- tailed upon him, quite unexpectedly, the necessity of finding the money to meet them. A temporary relief was obtained by the sale of a moiety of his share in the "John Bull," for which he received four thousand pounds, but at the sacrifice, of course, of a considerable portion of his annual income, and with the almost certain prospect of increasing embar- rassment. Meanwhile a very considerable change had been brought about in his external position; he had com- pletely emerged from the obscurity into which prudence, if not necessity, had driven him on his return from the Mauritius ; again the great and gay smiled upon him, and though no longer the slim, handsome, curly-headed youth that captivated and delighted as much by his pre- possessing appearance as by his precocious talents, he was sought after by lords and ladies who had a dinner to give, or a Christmas party to arrange, with a greater pertinacity than ever. In a word, Theodore Hook may be said to have won the singular distinction of being raised twice from that middle class, which without oifenco may be termed the " ranks " of society ; a reiteration of promotion as rare in the fashionable as in the military world. His misfortunes had thrown, it may be, some- thing of interest around him, and his high reputation as an author attracted favourable attention ; with some poli- tical partisans his connection, now tacitly admitted, with the above-mentioned journal would have no little weight ; but his rapid rise, once from obscurity, once from a point even less favourable, must in the first and highest degree be attributed to his unrivalled powers of entertainment, and to the fascination that hung upon his lips, uncloggcd by any drawback on the score of temper or deportment. Aa was said of Sheridan, he had no ancestry, no wealth, p 210 LIFE OP no patron to recommend him ; others stood or rose upon the basis of something which was external as well as tangible and recognised, Theodore Hook stood upon the strength and fame of his own talents alone. Mr. Hook now became a constant guest at the tables of the nobility, Whig as well as Conservative, and not unfrequently an inmate of their country seats.* At Hat- field House, for example, where he provided " Private and Confidential Dramas " for the admirers of amateur theatricals, at the late Lord Canterbury's, Sir Robert Peel's, &c., he was occasionally received ; and, what per- haps may strike the reader as a little strange, Sir Francis Burdett is to be included among those who flattered him with their notice. It was at the first named of these houses that he is said to have attracted the attention of Lady Salisbury, by a succession of bows made without any apparent object during the whole course of dinner. Tf he lady 'ventured, at last, to ask an explanation of behaviour so eccentric. "The fact is," replied Hook, "I have been accus- tomed all my life to those social recognitions at table which are now interdicted by fashion ; and, as I can't quite get out of the habit, I usually ' take wine ' with the epergne and bow to the flowers." The late Sir Robert Peel was strongly impressed with his conversational powers and the genuine readiness of his wit ; in illustration of this, he used to relate, among others, the following anecdote. One morning, at Dray- ton Manor, where Hook was staying as a guest, some one after breakfast happened to read out from the news- paper a paragraph, in which a well known coroner was charged with having had a corpse unnecessarily disin- terred. The ladies were very severe in condemnation of such unfeeling conduct ; a gallant captain, however, who was present, took up the cudgels in behalf of the accused, maintaining that he was a very kind-hearted man, and in- capable of doing anything without strong reasons, calcu- * The constant attention demanded by " Bull " prevented these visit* being prolonged. On one occasion, when staying for about a month at Lord Canterbury's, he was compelled to hold regular conferences with Mr. Edward Shackell, one of those employed on the paper, who attended him weekly at nn inn in the neighbourhood for that purpose. THEODOBE HOOK. 211 lated to annoy the friends of the deceased. The contest waxed warm : " Come," said Captain at length, turn- ing to Hook, who was poring over the " Times" in a corner of the room, and who had taken no part in the discussion, * you know "W , what do you think of him ? Is he not a good-tempered, good-natured fellow ? " " Indeed he is," replied Hook, laying aside his paper, 41 1 should say he was just the very man to give a body a On the same authority, we may repeat a pun made at the expense of the Duke of Rutland. There was a grand entertainment at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of the coming of age of the Marquis of G-ranby ; the company were going out to see the fireworks, when Hook came, in great tribulation, to the Duke, who was standing near Sir Robert, and said, " Now isn't this provoking ! I've lost my hat what can I do ?" " Why the deuce " returned his grace, " did you part with your hat I never do ! " " Yes ! " rejoined Theodore, " but you have, especially good reasons for sticking to your Beaver." At Ham, the residence of the Countess of Dysart, ho was presented to the present King of Hanover, who sub- sequently received him at Kew, and proved always a warm and sincere friend. Hook used to give an amusing account of one of his interviews with his Royal Highness, imitating his tone and manner with most grotesque fidelity. The Duke had just arrived from town, and on approaching the window was struck with horror and indignation at the appearance, in most offensive proximity to the palace, of what seemed the chimney of some new factory erected on the opposite side of the river, during his absence. Volumes of thick black smoke were drifting across the lawn, poisoning the air, and making the afternoon " hideous." After anathematizing most royally the Brentfordians, and consigning them to a locality more disagreeable, if possible, than the one they at present occupy, he sent Colonel to make a nearer examina- tion of the nuisance. The Duke's relief may be ima- gined, when it was ascertained that the supposed gas or glass-house abomination, was nothing but the funnel of an unfortunate steamer, chartered by " brother Brown," 212 LIFE OF and conveying a cargo of pious (eel-pie-house, Hook called them) holiday folks, which had run aground on the shallows opposite the gardens, in its return from Twicken- ham. About this time, also, Mr. Hook became a member of many of the clubs which were then beginning to spring up, like mushrooms, in the western hemisphere of Lon- don those dangerous resorts of the idle and discon- tented, who, relieved from the restraints imposed by female society, for there " more sinistro Exagitata procul non intrat foemina limen " are thus encouraged to indulge in all sorts of post-pran- dial extravagances. He was admitted at the " Athe- naium," " Crockford's," " the Carlton," and was, some years afterwards, one of the original members and pro- moters of the " Garrick." Agreeable as the mixing in this society must have been to one doomed so long to a most uncongenial seclusion, flattering as his warm reception must have proved to his vanity, and especially soothing to those feelings of wounded self-respect under which ne was labouring, they were luxuries not to be obtained but at an expenditure of time to him money, his sole inheritance which tended proportionably to increase his difficulties. Nor did the evil stop here ; loss of time and prostration of mental powers were not the only, nor the worst results of his new associations. Temptations to indulge in high play were constantly occurring, and were but too feebly resisted. And yet, few men ever entered into this perilous field with surer certainty of loss than Theodore Hook ; he seemed to possess not one of the elements of success ; in place of the cool head, undivided attention, and temperate regimen of the professional gamester, a thousand brilliant conceits were thronging his brain and engaging his thoughts, and diverting his eye from the game before him even in respect of his potations he was placed at disadvantage ; leaving feebler stimulants to lighter hearts and stronger stomachs, he was com- pelled, especially during the latter portion of his life, to feed the glowing flame with ardent spirits. It ncces- THEODORE HOOK. 213 arily followed that he constantly rose a severe loser from the table, where his gaiety, heedlessness, and limited resources had been waging unequal war with perfect impassibility of temperament, profound knowledge of the chances, and an inexhaustible exchequer. No man knew human nature better than he no man perhaps knew himself better: in the case of another, he would have been the keenest to detect, and the ablest to expose the inevitable consequences ot such a course ; he would have perceived, moreover, how agreeable to the "bank" would be the attendance of a man of such wit and celebrity as himself, how valuable as a decoy if not as a victim; and he would have readily appreciated at a just estimate, " the very handsome conduct and extreme liberaJity" of Mr. C d, who allowed him three years to pay off the balance that appeared against him. That Hook, too, suffered considerably from the habitual, perhaps unconscious, rapacity of certain titled com- panions, seems pretty certain ; that either he or his derived any solid advantage from the connection is far more problematical. And yet a man might be named a nobleman of boundless wealth, who had ever professed the greatest esteem and regard for him, who, by a stroke of his pen, a drop from his ocean, never to be missed or rememoered, might have obliterated a world of cares from one who was positively wasting the very means of sub- sistence in ministering to his amusement a man who boasted to Hook himself, that, at the close of a particular year, all bills, &c. being paid, there remained, over and above his expenditure, a surplus in his hands of 95,000/. that he did not know what to do with ; but who, as the latter observed, would probabV not have consented to expend five of them in saving his friend from the horrors of a jail. An incident may be here mentioned, hardly indeed worthy of notice, except that an incorrect and injurious version was at one time in circulation. Mr. Hook had been staying a few days at a country mansion, and on his departure, he was pressed to share the travelling-carriage of a youthful scion of the noble family he was about to leave. The pair, it seems, had managed, on the preceding evening, to secrete dice, and, by way of boxes, had bor- 214 LIFE OF rowed a couple of chimney ornaments from one of the bed- rooms ; thus furnished, they proceeded to beguile the tediousness of the journey by a regular bout at hazard, which was prolonged till their arrival in town. The story got wind, with the charitable addition, that Hook had succeeded in winning a very considerable sum of his inexperienced compaqnon de voyage ; the facts, however, being, that the aforesaid young gentleman was by no means the novice that was represented ; that the money lost consisted of but a few pounds ; and that Hook, as usual, was the loser ! He gives, in " Gilbert Gurney," with too close a fidelity to be mistaken, a description of his own first introduction to the gaming-table ; well had it been if, as with hia hero, his first visit had also proved his last : " I must confess that, after ten minutes' sojourn in the midst of the motley group, all those alarms and prejudices which my grave friend the justice, and my exemplary mother, had so prudently instilled into my mind, as to the horrors of gaming-houses, which, in the earnestness of their zeal for my safety, they constantly designated by a word wholly "unfitted for ears polite," had utterly and entirely subsided. I saw nothing but good humour and good fellowship. Some won their tens and twenties, and fifties, with perfect good nature ; and others lost them with equal complacency. Daly made me sit down beside him the box came he called a main. I did not even know the term ' Seven 's the main,' said Daly ; he threw again, and out came eleven, upon which the gentleman in the chair, with a rake in his hand, cried out ' Eleven 's a nick,' and immediately I saw my five pound note con- verted into a ten, by a process which appeared to me not only extremely simple but remarkably pleasant. Daly threw again, again called seven and threw nine ; a loud cry of ' Five to four ' rang through the room. " ' Fifty to forty,' cried one. " ' Done,' bawled another. " ' Do it in fives, Colonel,' screamed a little man very like a frog in the face upon whose back an Irish gentle- man was sitting or leaning, pushed forward by half-a-dozen eager spectators behind him. ' T heard nothing but ' Five to four ' for a minute or THEODORE HOOK. 215 two, varied with a counter cry of ' Nine to seven ; f then a pause, broken only by the rattle of the dice, and then a call of 'Nine the caster wins;' whereupon, notes and guineas changed hands all round the outside run of the table, and Daly swept up ten pounds as a stake, and five for his single bet." It was during his brief residence in Cleveland Bow that Mr. Hook fell in with an old college acquaintance, Mr. Barbara, in whom he found to the last a very sincere friend, and, in literary matters, an honest and perhaps not altogether injudicious adviser. Mr. Barham had taken orders, and, in the discharge of his duty as one of the priests of the Chapel Eoyal, was a regular attendant at St. James's. Hook's house stood invitingly oppo- site, and they accordingly saw more of each other than/ from the different circles in which they were then moving, would otherwise have been the case. Of the progress of the intimacy which ensued, and which continued unin- terruptedly and with increasing cordiality until the death of the latter, there exist frequent and detailed notices in Mr. Barbara's papers, who himself survived but three years. Many extracts from these "Diaries," &c. have already been laid before the public, and in the preceding pages we have largely availed ourselves of the information they contain relative to the subject of the present me- moir. The following entries appear in his note-book for 1829, and may not be unacceptable to the reader : "Jan. Called on Hook, in Cleveland Row, and found him at luncheon ; I had scarcely taken a seat when he (Hook), seeing a gentleman cross the road and hearing his rap immediately afterwards, said, ' Here comes E , my Oervate Skinner' and he prepared us for his visit by stating precisely what he woula do when he entered, begging us to put down the lids of the silver beakers, in order that his visitor might, as he truly prophesied would be the case, open and peep into them both as soon as he got fairly into the room. Haynes Bayley was there that day ; I found him when I entered busy discussing a de- villed kidney. Hook introduced me, as it was the first time I had ever met him, by saying: " ' Barham Mr. Bayley there are several of the name; this is not ' Old Bailey,' with whom you may some day 216 LIFE OP become intimate, but the gentleman whom we call ' But- terfly Bayley ' (in allusion to his song, ' I'd be a butter- fly,' then in the height of its popularity). " My answer was, 'A misnomer, Hook ! Mr. Bayley is not yet of the grub!' The latter, who was a very gentle- manly good-natured man, a thought dandified, forgave the impertinence, and, though we did not often meet afterwards, whenever we foregathered, we were very good friends. " May 5. Dined at Hook's ; Lord , Mathews, Tates, Canning, Allan Cunningham, Professor Milling- ton, Horace Twiss, &c. present ; Sir A. Barnard being engaged with the King, and C. Kemble ill. * * * * Hook had hung black crape over Peel's picture, which was on one side ot the room : and Twiss being Under Secretary of State, thought it incumbent on him to re- move it. The piece of ' mourning ' proved more strongly fastened than no had anticipated, which induced Lord to say, on seeing him bungling at it, 'Ah, it's of no use, you will never be able to get him out of his scrape.' " In 1831, Mr. Hook lound it necessary to abandon his house in town, and to make other considerable reductions in his establishment. London, indeed, was not the place for one so fond of the pleasures of society, and who was surrounded with such perpetual and pressing temptations to indulge in them ; wnere too, independent of the actual expenses entailed by his mode of living and he was a profuse host as well as a constant "diner out" his resources were crippled and contracted by the undue drain upon his time. He retired, accordingly, to a neigh- bourhood to which he was always attached, and which the vicinity of one or two of his oldest friends rendered doubly attractive, Fulham. Here he engaged a comfort- able out unpretending villa on the banks of the river, situated between the bridge and the pleasure-grounds of the Bishop of London. He was now enabled, in a great measure, to shake off the crowd of fashionable and idle intruders that had hitherto beset him, and to spend his mornings, at all events, without fear of interruption, in his library. The latter was the beau ideal of a literary workshop- of moderate dimensions, but light and cheerful hung THEODORE HOOK. 217 round with choice specimens of water-colour drawing, and opening upon a small garden, jealously walled in at the sides, and sufficiently elevated in front above high- water mark to baffle the gaze of inquisitive cockneys; but commanding one of the most beautiful and diversified views in the vicinity of the metropolis, and supplied, on the last occasion on which we visited it, with a couple of pets in the shape of two enormous sea-gulls, who were waddling about the green turf, fat and sulky, like Napo- leon at St. Helena ; and over whom a magnificent canine Sir Hudson Lowe, stretched at a little distance, was, to all appearance, keeping watch and ward. His new residence afforded occasion for the delivery of one of the best of his best bon mots. A friend, viewing Putney bridge from the little terrace that overhung the Thames, observed that he had been informed that it was a very good investment, and, turning to his host, inquired *' if such were the case it' the bridge really answered ?" "I don't know," said Theodore, "but you have only to cross it, and you are sure to be tolled." It must have been about this period that Mr. Hook rarely appended to his correspondence any date, save the day ot the week, that the following letter addressed to an intimate friend resident in the neighbourhood, and shewing, as the letter well observes, the ioy-ancy of the man," was written ; the accompanying sketch, in which those who knew him cannot fail to trace through the ca- ricature, something of the true lineaments of the artist, will serve at least to prove the versatile ability with which he wielded his pen : . . "Mr DEAR , Sunday. " I have been desired to forward the enclosed to you ; having also been apprized of its contents, I beg to add, for myoicnpart that if your highness be pleased to accept this invitation, I (who can only travel in a close carriage) shall have great pleasure not only in calling for you in place, (or any other place in London you may appoint which perhaps may suit you better), and taking you to Ivy Cottage,* and in bringing you back and setting * The remdence of the late Mr. Mathews ; Momui, the sririqvct by which he was occasionally addressed. 218 LIFE OP you down on your return in the evening. Momus's is a pleasant and easy house, and the earlier you can go the better pleased he will be ; the later you tvill stay, the more agreeable to his hospitality : depend upon it he is a wor- thy man, and acts in private life better than he does upon the mimic stage. I am still extremely bad i' the knee. I should think I must look in this wise : [vide portrait']. A. My bad knee. B. My beard. c. My crural tendon or muscle or artery or something, as big as your fist. i). My well leg. L. The place where my hair was when I was young. " The progress of my recovery is slow ; so is my own when I attempt to move ; perhaps another week may make some change for the better. Will you say every- thing that is kind to the lady, and believe me, &c. " Theodore of Put-nee (out of joint)." In these pen-and-ink sketches, especially where he himself formed the subject, Mr. Hook was eminently successful, llis diary we are told, abounds in them. One, comprising a couple of back views of himself at the nges of twenty and of forty, has been engraved, and was given in the " Life of Mathews," to whom it was ad- dressed in a familiar letter. Such, indeed, was the facility with which he hit off likenesses of his friends, that he was at one time suspected, according to th& writer in the " Quarterly," of being HB. T1IEODOEE HOOK. 221 CHAPTER XIV. Mr. Hook's mode of Life. Its exhausting nature. Excursions on the Thames. Anecdotes. Epigram. A Richmond Party. The Nobleman's Butler. Disputes with the Proprietors of " John Bull" Correspondence with Mr. Shackell. Mr. H and the Boar's Head. Letters. Remarkable Dream. The Hamburg Lottery. NOTWITHSTANDING the facilities afforded Mr. Hook by his change of residence to withdraw from those scenes of destructive excitement, which well nigh every dinner- party proved to be, and to relieve his mind, wearied and spent under severe and protracted labour at the desk, by proportionate repose, he appears to have wanted sufli- cient resolution to avail himself of them ; or possibly he might have been persuaded into some dim expectation of advantage to be derived from what he considered "strengthening his position." It was, indeed, no longer in his power to receive his fashionable associates at home; his diminished income and the inefficiency of his cuisne forbade that ; his hospi- tality was necessarily confined to a few early and valued friends of his own station in life. But as a guest, he mingled more unreservedly than ever in the gaieties of high life ; his acquaintance increased daily, till it came to include at last, as we are informed by one who possessed every means of ascertaining the fact, " numerous repre- sentatives of every rank of the peerage with few excep- tions, all the leading politicians on the Tory side not a few of their conspicuous opponents in both Houses a large proportion of what most attracted notice at the time in the departments of art, literature, and science ; and lastly, whatever flaunted and glittered in the giddiest whirl of the beau monde"* We may venture to supply, by way of specimen, a sketch, by no means overcharged, of one of those restless, life-exhausting days, in which the seemingly iron energies of Theodore Hook were prematurely consumed. A lute " Quarterly ReYiew." LIFE OP breakfast his spirits jaded by the exertions of yester- day, and further depressed by the impending weight of some pecuniary difficulty large arrears of literary toil to be made up the meal sent away untasted every power of his mind forced and strained, for the next four or five hours, upon the subject that happens to be in hand then, a rapid drive to town and a visit, first to one club, where, the centre of an admiring circle, his intellec- tual faculties are again upon the stretch, and again aroused and sustained by artificial means : the same thing repeated at a second the same drain and the same supply ballot or "general meeting" at a third, the chair taken by Mr. Hook, who, as a friend observes, addresses the members, produces the accounts, audits and passes them gives a succinct statement of the pros- pects and finances of the society parries an awkward question extinguishes a grumbler confounds an oppo- nent proposes " a vote of thanks," seconds, carries it, and "returns thanks" with a vivacious rapidity that entirely confounds the unorganized schemes of the mi- nority then, a chop in the committee-room, and "just one tumbler of brandy-and-water," or two, and we fear the catalogue would not always close there. Off next to take his place at some lordly banquet, where the fire of wit is to be stirred again into dazzling blaze, and fed by fresh supplies of potent stimulants. Lady A has never heard one of his delightful extern- pores the pianoforte is at hand (we have seen it esta- blished, with malice prepense, in the dining-room, when he has been expected), fresh and more vigorous efforts of fancy, memory, and application are called for all the wondrous machinery of the brain taxed and strained to the very utmost smiles and applause reward the exer- tion ; and, perhaps, one more chanson, if he has shewn himself thoroughly i' the vein, is craved as a special favor: or possibly, if the call has been made too early or too late, some dull-witted gentleman hints that he is a little disappointed in Mr. Hook, and the host admits that he has not been so happy as he has known him. He retires, .at last, but not to rest not to home. Half an hour at Crockford's is proposed by some gay companion, as they quit together we need not continue the picture ; THEODORE HOOK. 223 the half hour is quadrupled, and the excitement of the preceding evening is as nothing to that which now ensues whether he rises from the table winner or loser, by the time he has reached Fulham the reaction is complete, and in a state of utter prostration, bodily and mental, he seeks his pillow to ruu, perhaps, precisely a similar course on the morrow.* And it was amid all this stunning, distracting roar of dissipation that, harassed by pecuniary demands, per- plexed by legal intricacies, and almost maddened by the thought, to quote his own words, that " he had uselessly wasted not only money to a great extent in useless things, but had also wasted the time that would have reimbursed him" that he had to sit down, with dis- tracted thoughts and a fevered head, to frame the clear, collected, leading articles for his weekly journal ; carry the hero of his forthcoming novel through half a dozen chapters of complex absurdity racking his imagination for mirth, with anguish at his heart or to pore over bulky parcels of dull MSS., submitted to his judgment as Editor of the " New Monthly." Little, indeed, did those who only knew Theodore Hook superficially, as the acute politician, the "lion" of the salon, or the laughter- stirring novelist, dream of the woe that was working beneath the surface ! " Why," said he, " should I suffer my own private worries to annoy my friends ! " Occasional relaxation he obtained, or he must have sunk, long before he did, from sheer exhaustion. In one of his later works, laying aside for a moment the mask of * " Theodore Hook," writes a friend, " had a receipt of his own to prevent invalids from being exposed to the night air. I remember his once taking me home from a party in his cab, between four and five o'clock on a brilliant morning in July. I made some remark soon after we had passed Uyde Park Corner, about the reviving quality of the air after the heated rooms we had been in. ' Ah,' said Hook, ' you may depend on it, my dear fellow, that there is nothing more injurious to health than the night air. I was very ill some months ago, and my doctor gave me particular orders not to expose myself to it' 'I hope/ said I, ' you attended to them T 4 yes !' said he, ' strictly ; I came up every day to Crockford's or some other place to dinner, and I made it a rule on uo account to go home again till about this hour in the morning." 224 LIFE or fiction (a rare instance) he affords a passing glimpse of the sad and care-worn features it has concealed : " ' I have,' says he, ' a tolerably large, and an extremely agreeable circle of acquaintances many people who know the world less than I do would call them friends but still the memory of past days, and the recollection of what I might have been, compared with what I am, makes me seek at certain times the charm and comfort of soli- tude. I do not mean in the gloomy sense of the word, I mean the charm and comfort of being alone, free, and my own master, uncontrolled, unchecked, and indepen- dent. This feeling this desire to leave all gaiety all the society in which one ordinarily moves to cast off the world and its cares, or, as they are sometimes called, pleasures, has led me to make my annual tour, just during the period in which partridge shooting ceases to be a novelty, and pheasant-shooting has not begun.* One favorite employment of a day, snatched from " the world, its cares, and its pleasures," was a saunter- ing excursion up the Thames, ostensibly, perhaps, for the purpose of fishing ; accompanied by a single friend, he would in this manner gain a brief taste of real and refreshing enjoyment. Entertaining he could not fail to be, but his fancy and imagination were thus only kept in gentle exercise, and not stimulated to pernicious exer- tion : in his diet, too, on these occasions, he was com- monly moderate and even abstemious. Ditton was not unfrequently his resort, and his grateful muse has re- corded its attractions : " Give me a punt, a rod and line, A suug arm-chair to sit on, Some well iced punch and weather fine, And let me fish at Ditton !" Mr. Barham's note-book gives an unusually full account of one of those happy holidays ; for the satis- faction of professors and amateurs of " The noble and delightful art of angling," we may premise that the weather was favorable and the sport excellent : Hook, however, though his spirits were as high as ever, was far " Precepts and Practice," voL ill THEODORE HOOK. 225 from being good in health ; indications of that internal disorganization which eventually proved fatal had begun to shew themselves; he complained much of cough, which, he said, they told him proceeded from the de- ranged state of his liver ; and he drank only a tumbler of sherry-and-water at dinner, which was limited to a dish of fisn and a duck. The entry which bears date August, 1839, goes on to state after recording some conversation relative to his private affairs " He mentioned that Jack Johnstone, commonly known as 'Irish Johnstone,' the original Dennis Bulgruddery, had once played off a mischievous prank upon poor old Murray, in Richard the Third. Murray, who usually enacted Henry the Sixth, had, in that character, been killed by Richard, in the first act ; and being anxious to leave the theatre as early as possible, had doffed the royal hose, and replaced them with his ordinary nankeen pantaloons ; but the exigencies of the piece requiring him to be raised partially through a trap, to speak a few lines, as his own ghost, in the ' Tent scene,' he had retained the doublet of black velvet and bugles, not intending to be raised higher than what might be sufficient to exhibit his head and shoulders above the stage. Johnstone, however, watched his opportunity, and going below, in the very middle of the royal spectre's speech, gave the winch that worked the trap door, two or three sharp turns, thus screwing up the substantial sha- dow considerably above the waistband, and displaying the strange incongruity of his costume, to the admiration of the House ! The effect was irresistible, and was hailed with roars of laughter. " Close to the ' Swan,' the house at which we had dined, is B farm, the seat of Sir , whose father is said to have been a hair-dresser. The house is splendidly fitted up, and in the hall is a very beautiful vase of ex- quisite workmanship; Hook said, that when he and C went to dine there one day, their host happened to meet them at the door, and, on their stopping for a moment as they passed, to admire this fine specimen of art, told them it was a fac-simile of the celebrated ' "War- wick vase.' " ' Ay, so I see,' returned C , ' and very handsome 226 LIFE or it is : but don't you think a copy of the Barberini would be more appropriate ?' " Sir had too much sense to show annoyance at; the joke, which was certainly rather more out of place than the ornament. " The conversation turning on the Chartists, and on the visit they had paid St. Paul's on the preceding Sun- day for the purpose of making a grand demonstration of * moral force,' he (Hook) observed, relative to a remark of mine, that the Marquis of AVestminster had been present- that the latter had recently received an invi- tation from a particular friend, couched in the following terms : " * I ) r..\ n WESTMINSTEB, " ' Come and dine with me to-morrow-week. You will meet London, Chelsea, and the Two Parks. Tours, Ac.' " In the course of our fishing, we had been punted down the river opposite to Lord 's house, and while seated in front of it, he remarked that he used to be on very friendly terms with the noble owner ; but that a coolness had lately sprung up between them, in conse- quence of his lordship's having taken umbrage at the epitaph (pointed with a clever but objectionable pun) he had composed for his late brother, so unhappily notorious for the charges brought against him of false play at Whist. On seeing the present Peer out on the river fishing, Hook had received from him, instead of his usual courteous greeting, a very stiff ceremonious bow, but determined not to notice it, he only replied : " ' What, my lord, following the family occupation, eh \-punting, 1 see punting!' " An impromptu of Hook's on the same subject, ran the round of the club-houses. It will be remembered that the nobleman alluded to brought an action for defamation against certain of his accusers, which however, he thought proper to abandon at the last moment. EPIGRAM. " Cease your humming, The case is ' on ;' Defendant's Gumming Plaintiff's gone 1 THEODORE HOOK. 227 Another instance of the readiness of his wit, is set down, a few days later, in Mr. Barham's diary. " The Duke of B ', who was to have been one of the knights at the Eglinton Tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout " ' How,' said he, ' could I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots ? ' " ' It will be quite as appropriate,' replied Hook, ' if your Grace goes in your list shoes.' "* Although now become a staid, middle-aged gentle- man, his boyish love of mystification still survived, and was occasionally displayed in the course of these rural rambles ; the humourists and quaint characters which are perpetually encountered in coaches, second-class carriages on railways, and " commercial inns," but who are not to be played upon by every pert witling and retail joker, who may think fit to be feebly facetious at his neighbour's expense, in Theodore Hook's hands yielded ample sport, without being pained by, or even made conscious of, the operation. The steam-boat at that time afforded ample field for this kind of experimental study of men and man- ners, and a voyage to the Twickenham Eyot and back, which, wind and tide permitting, was to be effected in a single day, and which the merest dullard could scarcely have pronounced all barren, proved to Hook and his com- panions most prolific of amusement, and not altogether unproductive of profit. One of these parties, consisting of Cannon, Hook himself, the gallant Baronet with the " collar mark," before alluded to, and one or two others, were enjoying the warm day, the cold punch, and the other delights of a Kichmoud excursion, when an elderly gentleman, very neatly attired, and having the air of a citizen well to do * The reader, we fear, may be sated with this constantly recur- ring play upon words, but the following is too good to be omitted. When Messrs. Abbott and Egerton, in 1836, took the old Coburg Theatre (the Victoria), for the purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much identified with blue fire and broad swords to suit the proposed change of performance " Why," said Theodore, "as, of course, you will butcher everything you attempt, suppose you call it the Abattoir^