S GINAL "MWH" McKENNA -:'r> '" UN I SAN DIEGO STORIES BY THE ORIGINAL "JAWN" McKENNA From "Archy Road" OF THE SUN WORSHIPERS CLUB Off McKinley Park IN THEIR Political Tales and Reminiscences CHICAGO 1918 COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY JOHN J. M'KENNA JOHN /'. HIGCINS. Printer. 376-380 West Monroe Street 80 JOHN J. MCKENNA John J. McKenna was born at Grassy Point on the west bank of the Hudson River, New York State. Been active in politics in Chi- cago for forty years. Been a member of the County and State Central Committees. Was personally acquainted and socially friend- ly with almost every person that has taken an active part in poli- tics, both the Republicans and Democrats, during the years 1876 to 1916. CONTENTS Fourth of July Oration by Barney O'Flynn Before the Sun Worshipers Club in McKinley Park 11-16 A "Grave" Mistake 17-19 A Tribute to McKenna 20-21 Mrs Jim Kennedy Attends a Meeting at Baker's Hall and Tells McKenna What She Thinks of Their Goings on 22-24 Nicholas Ryan, the Club's Statistician, Induces Mrs. Jim Kennedy to Address a Meeting of the Affiliated (Republican Clubs of the Fifth Ward at Baker's Hall, and She Tells Them Something 25-28 Dennis Dwyer on the Necessity of Preparedness, Practically Demonstrated 29-30 Conditions Created by the War Cloud Plays Havoc With Pat Price's 35th Precinct Club 31-32 Denny McManus of the 41st Precinct on the Re- moval of the Hyphen 33-36 A War Reflection 37 Old "Turrence" Dougherty's Oration Before the Sun Worshipers Club at McKinley Park 39-44 Continuance of Old Dougherty's Oration 45-50 Conclusion of Old Dougherty's Discourse 51-56 The War Is a Bad Omen for Pat English and His Affiliated Club 57-58 The Diplomacy of Tom Sheehan, the Buffet Keeper of Archer Road 59-61 Jerry Duggan, President of the 40th Precinct Re- publican Club, in Confab with McKenna 62-64 Speech Delivered by Old Man Anthony Devlin After Taking Two Sups of Sheehan's Whiskey 65-68 Little Johnnie's Inquiry 69 Thoughts of the Hour 70 Young Dougherty, the Lawyer, on Practical Govern- ment and Nicholas Ryan's Views on a few other Things 71-75 More Truth Than Poetry. 76 Ryan on Loyalty to the Flag 77-80 CONTENTS Continued. Pat Price Before the Sun Worshipers Club at the McKinley Park on his Return from Vacation. His Fish Story is Good 81-86 Ryan, the Statistician, and McKcnna in Conversa- tion 87-92 Barney Mulligan, the Far-Down Linen Peddler, on the Money Question 93-98 Ryan Induces Mulligan to Continue His Discourse on the Money Question 99-105 Lamentations of the Pessimist Members of the Fifth Ward Republican Club 106 The Eagle Society's Picnic Has its Effect on Mac's Orators. He Tells His Own Story 107-114 Ryan on Press and Politics 1115-121 Lamentations of the Old Friends' Club 122 Pat Price and Barney O'Flynn on the Good Old Days in Politics 123-127 The Days of Real Sport 128 Ryan and McKenna in Conversation 129-134 A Few Stories by Members of the Sun Worshipers Club on Old Days in Politics 135-141 Toast to Our Flag 142 McKenna in Reminiscences of the Chicago Fire of 1871 143-159 One of the Sun Worshipers Gone to Meet His Re- ward 160-161 Chicago as it Looked in Other Days 163-171 Nicholas Ryan in a Patriotic Mood 173-179 Mind Pictures 180 Anthony Devlin on The Old Days in Politics. . . 181-186 McKenna's Candidacy for Chaplain 187-191 "Times Are Changed'' Dwyer to Mac 193-195 Members of the Sun Worshipers Club in Confab. 197-201 A Christmas Wake Story from the Brighton 203 They Have Got Ryan Guessing 209-212 Old Anthony Devlin Airs His Views 213-216 The Old Days in Halsted Street 217-230 Jerry Duggan Airing His Views 231-235 Con O'Brien, the 41st Precinct Philosopher. . .236-238 Dougherty's St. Patrick's Day 239-241 Old Anthony Devlin in a Reminiscent Mood, . , .242-246 INTRODUCTION. I wrote these stories so that the old fellows may enjoy reading them. It's reminiscent of things that they all passed through in their day, and the young of the rising generation have many times heard the old folks telling of. There is more truth than poetry in most all of it, and if it don't make you laugh there is nothing said that will offend you. The Old Fellows here mentioned all enjoyed a long life and their knowledge has come from the school of experience. There is none of them but what can tell Bunk a mile away. The young generation may think they're handing them something new, but their new tricks are but a re- polish, put on to the same old tricks, that the old fellows have seen and heard and went up against manys and manys the time. So there ye have it. JOHN J. McKENNA. FOURTH OF JULY ORATION BY BARNEY O'FLYNN BEFORE THE SUN WORSHIP- ERS' CLUB IN M'KINLEY PARK. "Well," said Nicholas Ryan of the Thirty- first Precinct, "we induced Barney O'Flynn to give us a Fourth of July oration below at the McKinley monument at the McKinley Park. Barney is one of the sun worshipers that hold their confabs at the McKinley monument every day in the week. They have the Daily News Almanac, the Bible, Shakespeares works, and the divil only knows what else hid away in the crevices of the monument waiting for some of their cronies to make a careless remark. Then like a lot of buzzards they jump upon him with what they call ' their documentary ivi- dence' to prove his assertion was false; and from ten to four every day that's their job, ar- guing on all the momentuous questions of the day, pro and con, mostly con. "Barney has had a shovel in where the dig- ging was aisey and the pay good in every public 12 MCKENNA'S STORIES department since the second day he left Castle Garden Park. " 'Well/ says Barney, beginning his dis- course, 'ye say ye like to hear the truth, but I know ne'er a one of you mean it. What ye want and what ye injoy is the soft soap talk and to hear yer neighbors and your public offi- cials denounced. The worse ye hear of thim, the better ye like it. But ne'er a one of ye like to hear the truth about yerself. This is the Fourth of July,' said Barney, 'the day we celebrate or did celebrate before Andrew Carnegie took the noise out of the firecrackers, and now the kids balk to celebrate on squibs. At any rate ye know what we used to celebrate for, but that's a long time ago and since thin Congress has passed resolutions, and so while the resolu- tions last let us not be casting up, old sores. That would be like McGlinn and Ryan's truce. Every one thought the battle was over. Mc- Glinn in his kindness said to Eyan, "Now, that I am thinking as you are," thinking that Ryan had the same kind of thoughts as himself, when up jumped Ryan saying, "f you are, com^ out- side and try it over again, and there it is for ye." Well, it's the Fourth anyhow. We may not feel as enthusiastic as we did whin we held our picnics and shot giant firecrackers and used the Milwaukee steins. But it is allright for us old chaps. " 'But,' said he, pointing to the five thousand young men and women that ye see there below in the park fields. Said he, "They have worked Ball Game, McKinlej Park. Lawn Tennis Court, 14 MCKENNA'S STOMES hard all week, and they are now engaged in their baseball, basket ball, croquet, and tennis, and every game of fun that you can mention. Their shouts and cries of joy and laughter make the world what the Lord intinded it should b*, a place of contintment and happiness. There,* said he, pointing, ' is the controlling influence of the world. Look at that crowd. Then look at the few we have here. That's the world's way,' said he. 'When ye are out of that class the divil a one pays any serious attention to ye but the preacher, the doctor, and the undertaker; that is, if you are well insured. If not, I know of no one but God that has any time or room for ye.' *' 'The older ye are, the more it costs to watch ye. In your primary election the cost to watch ye have the tax payers robbed and the county treasurer busted, and what the divil good have ye done. Ye are changing and rechanging the laws and whin it is all over and the money spint ye look up and see what ye have done and as Ryan said, whin I showed him the members of the Supreme Court as they were standing in front of their building in Springfield: "Be- gorra," said Ryan, "they are only min after all." " 'In the old days,' said he, 'the judges and clerks of primary election volunteered thei* services. Ye might get a "Democratic black eyft or a Republican black eye, but it costs the tax payers nothing and under that system we nomi- nated such min as Samuel J, Tilden, ROSCOQ OKATION 15 Conklin, Lincoln, Palmer, Douglas, Oglesby, and the old man Carter H. Harrison, old maw McAllister, and old man Gary as judges and b cost the taxpayers nothing to nominate them. Ye haven't money enough today to pay for watching ye to nominate min like them min- tioned. Ye became so dishonest as Democrats and Republicans ye couldn't trust yourselves to manage your party affairs. Ye had to have laws made and min appointed to watch your- ? fives, and it's busted the tax payers to pay for the job. In the old days party min walked ten miles to hear his party candidate denounce the opposite side. Under yer new expensive plan it would take a cabaret and minstrel show with free lunch combined to induce ye to walk a block to hear any one and ye are still nomi- nating men and plan to make them honest. Ye are wasting money; your undertaking is too great; for we read in the good book when the Creator himself turned his back to look at some of his other creations ye stripped the tree of every apple, and now,' said Barney, 'ye are try- ing to do what the Creator himself could not do for ye. " 'Now,' said Barney, 'if the politician had the same opportunity to make his promise good as has the preacher, the world would always be like what it is to the young. The preacher's promise is fulfilled after you reach the grave if you keep the commandments, and ne'er a one ever returns to confront him as to broken prom- ises. But with the politician, whin the election 16 MCKENNA'S STORIES is over then his promises are staring him in the face with not one meal ticket to go round for the one hundred hungry applicants. It's the divil's job to face ye for yer votes, but when ye come for the expected meal ticket it takes all the joy out of life. That's why most of ye en- joy hearing yer officials denounced, for that's the only pleasure most of ye get out of the game. But yonder in the field ye see yer answer in the youne' folks. A divil a care has any one of thim on thir mind but for a good time. Now, that's the world 's way. All the preachers in the world couldn't change thim. That numerous crowd you see there enjoying thimselves on the park fields, if they live long enough, they will be here as we are, but we will not be here and there will be others in their place on the ball fields and when they stand here as we are they will be in the small minority as we are, for that's the way with the world, for boys will be boys, and when old Toney Pastor sang the song, "Go It While You Are Young, My Boys, for When Ye Get Old You Can't," he had the gang with him, ani so it will go on until Gabriel blows his horn.' '' THE "GRAVE" MISTAKE. THE MISHAP IN THE BURIAL OF DINNY QUILLIGAN OF THE 36TH PRECINCT REPUBLICAN CLUB. In the 36th Precinct Republican Club of the Fifth Ward a great mishap took place last week. Jimmie Duggan made the following report of the occurrence : "Begorra, McKenna, we had an exciting time of it this week. We were appointed to conduct the funeral arrangements of one of our mem- bers, one Dinny Quilligan, a little Kerry man that come over to us as a mimber in the Blaine election. Dinny was a good Catholic and always boast- ed that he gave character to the Republican ticket by putting the cross in the circle at the head of the ticket on each election day. Well, to be short in me story, we took the remains of Dinny to the Grand Trunk depot at 49th and Ashland avenue to meet the funeral train for Mt. Olivet. When we got there, we found that a Nagro funeral was taking place at the same time. "We put Dinny 's coffin in the car set apart for that purpose, whin along came the Blacka- mores and they did the same, Begorra, Me- 18 MCKENNA'S STOKIES kenna, as true as I am tellin' ye, the Nigger's coffin and Dinny's was as like as two cherries. "The train started and the first stop was at the Nagro graveyard. Bedad, the Nagroes in takin' off as they supposed the coffin of the Na- gro, they took away with thim the corpse of Dinny Quilligan. When we reached Mt. Olivet, we, as we supposed, took out the coffin of Dinny and put it on a small iron car they have there for the purpose, and away we started to Mt. Olivet. "Just as we were about to lower the coffin into the grave, as is a good ould Irish custom, Kelly, the undertaker, cried out, 'Thim that wish to take the last look at the remains, will step forward.' Kelly unscrewed the little lid of the coffin. When Mary Ellen, Dinny's wife, took a peep into the coffin, she let a yell out of her that would raise the dead: " 'What have they done with Dinny Quilli- gan from Kerry?' she cried. 'They've taken him from me and left me a man that's as black as the ace of spades. ' "Begobs, at that we all gave a jump forward; thin I remembered the resimblance of the cof- fins. Back we went with the Nagro on the little car to the depot at Mt. Olivet only to find no train would be due for two hours. Well, thin we engaged a haywagon team that was standing by, put the Nagro corpse on the wagon and started for the Nagro cemetery a mile away. When we got to the Nagro cemetery, the Na- THE "GRAVE" MISTAKE 19 groes were all coming out. We let a yell out of us like a lot of wild dervishes 'Where is he,' said we all together. ' Ye have buried the wrong man/ said we. Well, sir, there was near four funerals in a minute. Spades, pickaxes and razors were in view. * ' They had Dinny planted and the top of the grave was as smooth as the palm of your hand, with sunflowers scattered on the grave and a sign erected saying 'Here lies Moseby Jackson Johnson '. "Well, it was but a short time till Dinny 's remains was on top of the ground again and back to Mt. Olivet. 'Well,' said Mary Ellen, 'God bless that ould Irish custom of takin' that last look at the remains, else,' said she, 'I'd be layin' alongside of a man as black as the ace of spades until such times as Gabriel would blow his horn on the day of resurrection.' "Bedad, McKenna, that will be a day long to be remembered by the members of the 36th Pre- cinct Republican Club." 20 McKENNA's STOEJES A TRIBUTE TO McKENNA. This week PUBLIC SAFETY is favored with a few lilting lines by way of tribute to ' * The Poet of Archey Road" John J. McKenna. It is by way of a pean of triumph at the recognition re- cently awarded Mac by Governor Lowden an important state office. It purports to come from a political follower of John J.'s, but is really T. J. QUIGLEY. To My Literary Friend, John J. McKenna, the Chief In- spector of Private Employment Agencies! penned by a South Side business man who has been a lifelong friend. He is an old-time ball player that some of the older boys will recall when they see his name : Here it is : 21 Oh, Mollie Dear an' did ye hear the only joyful news I read in all th' papers since Wilson walloped Hughes; Cheer up my Mollie Darlin,' no more you'll sigh at all, My friend John J. McKenna has th' biggest job of all. Tis true he is Republican, but he's always on the square. An' never ask ye how ye vote, if you need him he is "there"; He spent more coin in politics than any in the ward. An' 'till today, 'tis safe to say, he got the least reward. He makes no flights at orath'ry, but in primaries can't be beat, In every fight for twinty years, he's never known defeat; He put the arch in "Archey road" where Dooley's fame begun, The avenue made famous by Finley Peter Dunne. There's lots of "gifted gabbists" who are sociable to meet, But when it comes to favor you, they wouldn't cross th' street; So cheer up, Mollie Darlin', an' holler Lou (w) den strong, Till my good friend John J. lands me, and I hope it won't be long. He's just th' man to fill th' place, he had his share of strife, A reader of real character, in every walk of life; From th' brick yard to th' State House he climbed th' hill of fame, An' T know I'll not be out of work while Johnnie's in th' game. MRS. JIM KENNEDY ATTENDS A MEETING AT BAKER'S HALL AND TELLS M'KENNA WHAT SHE THINKS OF THEIR GO- INGS ON. 1 ' Mr. McKenna, ' ' said Mrs. Kennedy, ' 1 1 was down at your last Republican meeting at Bak- er's Hall. My husband acts queer many's the time after attending those meetings, and I wanted to satisfy my curiosity as to what go- ings on you do be having. I will never forget that talker you had there. But, let me tell you, McKenna, when the women folks get on to the voting business, ye '11 not be able to pull the wool over their eyes as ye do over the men voters, with ye'r soft soap political talks. "Years ago I attended a meeting where George Francis Train was the speaker, and I also heard Teddy Roosevelt talk. Train and Teddy had the same accent, but Train always wore a white suit and white gloves when he spoke. Teddy is rougher, but they both were sensational. It was like riding in a car where one wheel was off the track, to hear them. You were always expecting something serious to MRS. JIM KENNEDY ATTENDS 23 happen. But in their palmiest days, for real fast talkin' and sensation, they were not in the class with that Col. Wiley from Waco, Texas, that you had address the meeting at Baker's Hall. "The colonel drew a picture of all the silver in all the mines of the world, and all the silver in the world now outside of the mines, and turned it all into silver dollars, at the ratio, as he said, of ' sixteen to one'. The pile was so great that it made Mount Arion, the highest mountain in the world, look like a mole hill. We all had a crimp in our necks from looking up at the mountain of silver dollars. I don't know how he could hold all the statistics in his head that he presented to prove his assertions. He used his arms as though he was swimming, and his hair stood up, and his coat tails waved, and the two eyes in his head were like two coals of fire with the enthusiasm that was in him. "I'm told that Tom Sheehan, the saloon- keeper, after listening to him for a while, got so disgusted with silver as money that he start- ed down stairs and ordered his bartenders to take no more of it in exchange for his good ci- gars and whisky. "I am told that a man's life would be in dan- ger that would offer a Canadian quarter in ex- change for drinks in the neighborhood, after Col. Wiley finished in the denunciation of silver, as the medium of exchange, at the ratio, as he said, of 'sixteen to one'. And when the Colonel 24 MC]ENNA'S STORIES finished on the silver question, he started in and made every one of them foolish min believe, be- cause of their bein' American citizens they were the aiqual of the king. "When Jim, my husband, gits that soft soap talk and a few sips of Sheehan's whisky with it, he begins to act like a king and say foolish things. "Said I to him after the meeting, when he began acting strange, said I: 'Jim, have sinse, and don 't believe all that ye hear, for tomorrow morning, when you are wending your way over to work in the cellar at Armour's packing plant before it is yet daylight, that Col. Wiley from Waco, Texas, and McKenna will be on the broad of their backs in the bed.' "Says I, 'Jim, ye 're no king; and as for that Col. Wiley and his imaginary money pile, I'm tould he borryed a quarter of Cassidy to pay his way back to the city. They say he knows how to run everybody else's business but his own, and he's always broke himself.' "Now, McKenna, let me say to you again when the women folks get on to voting, that kind of soft-soap talk won't go. Ye politicians will have to think up something new, or get out of the business." NICHOLAS RYAN, THE CLUB'S STATIST! CIAN, INDUCES MRS. JIM KENNEDY TO ADDRESS A MEETING OF THE AFFILI- ATED REPUBLICAN CLUBS OF THE 5TH WARD AT BAKER'S HALL, AND SHE TELLS THEM SOMETHING. * ' McKenna, ' ' said Nicholas Eyan of the Thir- ty-first Precinct, "I gave the boys the treat of their lives at the meeting of the Affiliated Clubs of Brighton, held at Baker's Hall. I had Mrs. Jim Kennedy address the meeting. She told them something that they will long remember. She said : ' Now that ye induced me to talk, it 's not soft soap I'm going to hand ye, but the plain, unvarnished truth. I know it's at home women ought to be, instead of talkin' to ye,' said she; 'we are never done for work there. But ye men have so neglected your duty in yer mad rush for the dollar, if we women don't do something the greatest idea of government that was ever left to a people will be lost to us for- ever ; in the chase for the dollar you forgot your 26 MCKENNA'S STORIES God, your country and mankind,' said she. 'And it's because of this condition,' said she, 'that the women of the country are asking for the right of franchise on all questions pertain ing to government; and we will take nothing short of it. The mothers of the country will have time to turn their minds to something tha; vvdll be for the benefit of mankind, for yer thoughts are only on the dollar. " 'Ye say we are not prepared for the ballot, ye make me laugh,' said she; 'two-thirds of ye could not put the buttons in your shirts and cuffs if it was not for the assistance of your mothers r.nd wives. And if Dr. Bevan was to dissect you, two-thirds of you would be found with the dollar mark in the top of your head, where your brains ought to be. And then ye have the nerve to tell us women we are not prepared. Your thoughts are only on the money, and when ye get it, ye are not satisfied till ye get the young wife. Then ye become skat players, golf linkers, with rheumatics and dys- pepsia and the divil only knows what else. " 'Young Dougherty told ye the truth when he said to ye marrym' is only a job for the young. ' "Pon me word,' said she, 'I never gave much heed to the apple storv between Adam and Eve ; but from all I read in the papers and in the court proceedings of yer soulmates and affinities, and in the way ye neglected your duty in managing your government, T now believe MRS. J.M KENNEDY'S ADDRESS 27 some new Eve must have come among ye with a new apple. " 'Lincoln, said ye could trust the people. Well, we are the people the mothers of the country, just as much as ye are, and we want the referendum and the right to vote on all questions pertaining to our liberty, our lives and our property. Then we'll be as well en- trenched in the government as is the Supreme Court on questions of law, and is the Pope on questions of religion. We know what we want, and not what others tell us we want. Put that in yer pipe and smoke it,' said she. " 'Ye made a grand job,' said she, 'in man- aging the country. Ye have built up a condition that has put all the women and children in har- ness workin' for you. The back of me hand to ye ! 'Tis the women that know ye. " 'Ye see now the greatest thing to conserve was the manhood and the womanhood of the country, and 'twas the last of your thoughts. But ye find now if it was not for the young men and the young women of the country, what good would all your possessions be to ye. When ye were chasin' the dollar, the ould Kaiser- bad cess to him and all the born kings he was conservin' the young manhood and womanhood of Germany, and he's got it today. And with- out it, all the money and property in Germany wouldn't be worth ten cents on the dollar. And now that ye have learned that the greatest thing to conserve is the youth of the country, quit your religious bickerin'; ye see now that reli- 28 MCKENNA'S STORIES gious difference is lost sight of when the flag is unfurled. Let ye provide well for the fatherless child of the future; have no signs above your institutions readin' "The Home of the Friend- less Child," etc. Have the youth learn that next to the father and mother the state and na- tion is its best friend. So that when they grow up they will learn to love their country. For a country or a religion without some paternal- ism in it, there is no love for it. " 'And now,' said she, 'in yer last mad rush don't neglect the b'ys that's goin' across the sea. See to it that when they come back to us if ever they do that no thin' worse than the bullets will be brought back with them from the slums of London, Paris and elsewhere. Preach- ing will do no good, for boys will be boys. But this solemn duty you must forcefully perform ; ye owe it to the mothers o the country and the future generations to protect the morals of the young men with all the powers ye have. I'm glad,' said she in conclusion, 'if I've said any- thing that might wake ye up. ' "Begorra, McKenna," said Nicholas Kyan, "ye can't down the women. And there it's for ye." DENNIS DWYER ON THE NECESSITY OF PREPAREDNESS, PRACTICALLY DEMON- STRATED. After a joint meeting of the six clubs of the six precincts in that part of the Fifth Ward known as Brighton, John J. McKenna says that he met Dennis Dwyer of the Thirty- fifth Precinct the next morning. One eye was black and swollen and one arm was in a sling. "What's the trouble?" said Mc- Kenna. "Well," said Dwyer, "the old woman says I'm as big a fool as ever. McKenna, that German druggist man you have as secretary of the Thirty-first Precinct Club may be a good chemist ; but he knows nothin' at all about politics. He it was that sent out the postal cards for the meeting; the card said it was for a 'harmony' meeting, and he under- scored the word 'harmony'. Well, after supper I washed up," said Dwyer, "and went down to the meetin', thinking something new was going to take place, and I went unprepared. "When I got into the meeting hall, looking around me and seeing none of the lady members present I became suspicious. 'I see no signs of harmony here', said I to myself. ' ' There they were, gathered from all parts of Brighton all the different nationalities. The Zimbroffs, the Feins, Mintz, the Rubins, the 30 MCKENNA'S STORIES Cohns, the Berndts, the Reisers, the Hilbs, the Hilks and Kortings. The McKennas, the Kel- leys, the Cassidys, the Noonans, the Sheehans, the Founders, the Courvilles, the La Marshas and Pitons, the Arthurs, the Rankins, the McKays, Boxley, Porter, John Rolston, the five Mathlesens, the Hellyers,, old man Swanson, Peter Cranzalis, Tony Vichollo, Paul Pineski, Antoin Marek, Ben Zintak all officers in their respective precincts ; and with them were their friends. The hall was packed. George Rodg- ers, a Welshman, was chosen as the harmony president. McKenna, I saw you there, but after the third motion was made and seconded I remembered no more of what was going on. But I learned more of the necessity of prepar- edness in that five minutes than I did from read- ing the newspapers for six months. * ' McKenna, you made the mistake of not hav- ing badges on us, so that we might know each other. For in not being so prepared, we licked as many of ourselves as we did of the enemy. We're all for preparedness from this forward. And, when the next 'harmony' meeting is called for I'll not be one of the ones not prepared." CONDITIONS CREATED BY THE WAR CLOUD PLAYS HAVOC WITH PAT PRICE'S 36TH PRECINCT CLUB. "Mr. McKenna," said Pat Price, the Presi- dent of the Thirty-sixth Precinct Republican Club, "as there is no important election to be held for some time, we have concluded to ad- journ for the summer months. And with the hope in view that the war '11 be over at that time. With all the mixed nationalities we have in our club, it would be no job for a delicate man to manage them. There's not a subject you can speak of, unless you have the sergeant-at-arms on guard. "There's only one subject that will hold them, and that is 'High Tariff.' Mention any other subject, Captain Madden and Sergeant Eagan and all the police in the Thirty-ninth Street Police Station couldn't keep them apart. There's some of them that likes their beer, and when they drink it they can 't refrain from sing- ing songs. Divil a song do they know but what Claybaugh and Clyne, the government spycatch- ers, has marked on their books as disloyal. But it is as hard to keep them from singin' when they're full of beer, as it is to make a Jew or a Frenchman talk with their hands tied. Every nationality seems to have a favorite song of their own. I can't understand them, but they 32 MCKENNA'S STORIES all get unaisy and restless if any song is sung but the Irish songs, "Divil the Irish song I can sing I never was a singer, McKenna; but Kelly wherever he learnt it sings 'God Save Ireland Says the Hero' God Save Ireland Say We All'. Mc- Kenna, I don't know where Kelly learnt that song, but when you sing it I notice the both of you have the same tune ye must have learned it together somewhere. "Kelly has the Jews and the French, and the Bohemians and the Germans and them all sing- ing this song until they're hoarse. They don't like it, because I have my eye on them and see that most of them have their fingers crossed. But they can 't sing any of their own songs with- out becoming angry at each other. This is the reason that we're trying to adjourn the meet- ings until fall. If that Clabaugh and Clyne should discover an invention that could read folks' minds, one-half of the club would be in- terned until the close of the war. "We call the meeting together when we meet, and say, 'We are all here as friends for one common cause, for one country and one flag,' But, McKenna, I watch them as they repeat the words, and it's like singing the Irish song with them two-thirds of them have their fingers crossed. This is why T am anxious to git away for the summer. So I've come down to say Good Bye to you I'm off on my vacation." v/',\ / . v - DENNY M'MANUS OF THE 41ST PRECINCT ON THE REMOVAL OF THE HYPHEN. "McKenna," said Nicholas Ryan, "I was an invited guest at the Thirty-fourth Precinct Club meeting, where Edward Berndt, the German, is President of the club. The speaker of the eve- ning was little Denny McManus. He comes from the Fortieth Precinct, that part of the Twenty-ninth Ward that was annexed to the Fifth Ward. It was the home of Tom Carey's Indians. Denny is a South Boston boy, he's got a name like an Irishman, and an accint like a Boston Yankee; but from Denny's swagger, you'd think his old man came over in the May- flower and that it was their family that discov- ered the Plymouth Rock. "He started out by saying: 'I am working hard to become a physician, and the first opera- tion that I perform I would like it to be the re- moval of the hyphen out of all of you. It's as 34 MCKENNA'S STORIES firmly rooted in ye as is the sting in a rattle- snake, and there's no exception in any of ye. And that's what's got us into trouble and war, and it's many of ye,' said he, 'that will have a lump raised on your bean before we get out of it. Ye can't help it,' said he. 'It's the first thing ye learn as kids. The many battles your forefathers had fought against one another, both religiously and politically, and what they did to one another. When ye come to this coun- try,' says he, 'ye'r minds are on the easy cash you expect to get. But your hearts are back in the land from where ye came. And ye bring the ould sting with ye. " 'Ye'r either Dimocrats or Republicans, when ye come here not from any principle ye see in the parties. but ye find out in whichever section of the country ye locate what party is it that has the country men and religionists in it that ye most hate. Then ye get in on the other side. And ye vote the ticket as the old maids play the horse races ; they play the jockey the record of the horse cuts no ice with them. And so with ye; ye get ye 're ballot on election day and ye vote names and not for the qualifi- cation of the min. The ould sting is in ye and ye can't help it; and as long as that condition exists, we'll have no good government, and THE " HYPHEN " 35 that's why I'd like to operate on ye. For as long as there's a hyphen organization in this country, it's an indicator that there is still a sucker left to be skinned. The hyphen is liken- ed to the sheep at Armour's packing house the old decoy hyphen leads them to slaugh- ter and then he returns for a new bunch. And it will always be profitable busi- ness for some one as long as they can find hy- phens. And as the hyphens drop from any nationality represented in this country it's an indication that the people of that race are 'on' and the old decoy with the hyphen has lost his job. Now let us all get to- gether, cut out the hyphen, make America our country and it will be a better day for us all.' "McKenna," said Ryan, "the five spot you gave me I bought them a keg of beer with, for 36 MCKENNA'S STORIES sociability's sake. The hall was well filled; no songs were permitted except 'My Country, 'Tis of Thee,' and 'God Save Ireland' that's Kelly's song. I noticed a marked improvement in their patriotism after McManus 's discourse ; for at the conclusion of the meeting he asked them all to stand up and hold up their hand, and said he, let us sing the closing ode, 'My Country, 'Tis of Thee.' "Now, at some of the previous meetings, I noticed one- half of them, as they sang patriotic songs, they kept their fingers crossed. But at this meeting not more than three of the radical ones had their fingers crossed. Harmony pre- vailed, and the meeting was adjourned without the aid of the police. ' ' A WAR REFLECTION 37 A WAR REFLECTION. Oh, Power of Gold! You are Mammon's God! You forced mankind to draw the sword! You worldly God, without life or soul; i There'll be no hope while you're the goal! You'll be here when the strife is o'er! The boss of kinds as you were before! Those who live will restore the loss; Those who live must pay the cost. Our dearest friend's lie beneath the sod; Their souls have gone to meet their God. You'll be here when the strife is o'er, To rule the world as you did before! You are the Goal for which Mammon strive. You are cthe world God and Mammon's pride! You'll be here- when the strife is o'er, The bo^s of kings as you were before 1 You worldly God! without life or soul; There'll be no hope while you're ithe Goal! We may think and talk but you'll still hold sway! You'll be here when the strife is o'er, To rule the world as you have before! John J. McKenna. i OLD "TURRENCE" DOUGHERTY'S ORA- TION BEFORE THE SUN WORSHIPERS' CLUB AT THE M'KINLEY PARK. Here is a speech delivered by Old Terrence Dougherty, an Old Timer. A man that Barney O'Flynn says spent his younger days as a gang- foreman worked in every part of the country for contractors of all kinds, at railroad building, etc., and 'tis said of him he could bate any man that crossed him. In the ould days that was the first qualification a gang foreman had to have. "Well," said Terrence in beginning his ad- dress, "I'm just back from the Benton Harbor Springs afther enjoyin' my short vacation. I find the war has increased the price of every- thing, and it has shortened the vacations, so here I am for lack of funds, among ye again. "Fifty years ago this Fourth of July past I attinded the races here in this spot. What's the McKinley Park now was the ould Brighton 40 McrvENNA's STORIES race track in those days, and it was a fine race track. "It was a great day for the people in this neighborhood, when Representative Shanahan had the laws made at Springfield permittin' the South Park Commissioners to buy this land for a park. "The land belonged to John Wentworth 'Long John' we called him when he was Mayor. He was known all over the country for the things he did and the size of the glass he took his 'sup' from. "We enjoy this place with our arguments as much as does the young folks with their many games on the park fields. "Anyhow, ye are always arguin' politics, and ye know all about it to hear ye talk, and Mc- Kenna's given us all a workout like Ned Cor- rigan, the race man, gave his string of colts. 1 would not have spoken here today but that I knew your statistician, Nicholas Ryan, would not be here. I am hasty and quick-tempered; and whin I start to talk, if I made a few mis- dates, and Ryan was to wave that Daily News Almanac under my nose in the way of contra- diction, I would have to b'at him. Ryan is there wid his documentary evidence and will give no leeway at all. ' ' I have reasons for not fallin ' out wit him at present, but some day he'll get it. And whin he does, I will take the advice of an ould Yankee contractor that I worked for as foreman in New Haven, Connecticut. He had a rule for all us OLD "TURRENCE" 41 foremen. 'Never,' said he 'hit an Irishman wit' your fist. ' "But there are many good at givin' advice that will not stick to it themselves. Signs on this man, he forgot himself one day I will never forget it. I helped to lift him into the commissary wagon that was takin' him to the hospital. But I'll not forget it when I start in some fine day on Ryan. "Now, for politics, I say divil a thing is new in politics or religion. "In religion the same ould divil that my fa- ther and your father and your grandfather heard tell of is still on the job, and was there as far back as the memory of man runs and then some. An' he seems to thrive on abuse. He is a handy adjunct for Billy Sunday to have around to help him increase his bank account with. The ould divil has been a greater money maker to some than the Ford machine has been to ould Ford. The divil is a certainty- he never changes or goes out of fashion. "The ould political machine is thira that is in power, and they're the same all over the world; and the outs are tryin' to get in to run the ould machine. And as there is not enough of the meal tickets to go the rounds, there's where all the trouble comes from. Billy Sunday can cry out 'there's room for all at the mourn- ers' bench'. But it's not so wit' politics- there 's not jobs or favors for them all. The ould political machine is, in some way, like the 42 MCKENNA'S STORIES ould divil you may change the driver, but it's the same old machine. "In the airly days after the war the boss of the Republican machine in the North had a soft job. All he had to do was to put one of the ould boys in blue at the polling place, have him cry out at the top of his voice like a praying Der- vish 'here comes the copperhead.' That's what they called the dimocrats in those days. The divil a dimocrat got an important office for years. That was soft go in' for the Eepublican machine boss. ' ' And whin I went south in the winter, as gang boss on the levee, I found the same conditions there at Charleston, Mimphis, Savannah and New Orl'ans. There was the ould boy in gray at the polling place the same trick he set up a murderin' cry, givin' out the ould rebel yell, 'here comes the Yankee', says he. Divil a Re- publican ever come within forty rods of a poll- ing place. There it's for ye now in a nut shell. The great adjunct to the ould bosses of both parties in the early days was the party news- paper. Anything a Democrat done was well spoken of by his party paper, and the same was true of the Republican party paper. Anything they did to one another or to the public, was shown to be all for the best, but as the old sayin' goes, 'Things have changed since Han- nah died.' The press in the big cities has be- come bigger than the party. With them, the for- mer single meal ticket don't go any more. They either run the machine themselves, or, as Bar- OLD "TURRENCE" 43 ney O'Flynn says, the Chauffeurs Manual tells him that the little Ford machine will not run with water in the Carburetor, and so with the ould political machine tryin' to run it without the aid of the press is like Barney's Ford with water in the carburetor. It's a hard job. "Government and society politics are just run on the same plan. I had to demonstrate this to Barney 'Flynn to convince him. So, said I to Barney, 'keep your eye open and ye '11 see for yourself.' "We belonged to a society that was bavin' doin's goin' on; mimbers from all over comin' to visit our city, and we had officers to elect at the time. The officers we had were good officers, but I had to show Barney the game. We had Swedes, Germans and Irish as members, and some others. "Well, we whispered to the Swedes, the Ger- mans and the Irish that the opposite candidates said, that now that we were havin' visitors, it would not look good to have Swedes, Germans and Irish elected to be in the chair when the visitors come. "Well, sir, the Swedes, the Germans and the Irish began whisperin' to each other that the officers were gettin' very high toned. Said the Swedes, 'we're as good as they are.' 'Yes, and better,' said the Irish. 'Sure thing, says the Germans. Say nothin', says I to them, but keep your eyes open. Our ticket was then made up of all Swedes, Irish and German. "Well, sir, the result was, divil a man was 44 MCKENNA'S STORIES elected but a Swede, a German, and an Irishman, and I says, 'Now, Barney, are you convinced?' "It's sayin' the right thing at the right time that carries public opinion. It's not drinkin' and talkin' loud in the bar room that wins the election. "For when ould Malone of New York said 'God bless Wilson for keepin' us out of war,' the job was done, the election was won then and there. And as Mrs. Jim Kennedy says of ould Hughes, 'the foolish man to quit his good life job on the bench to go up against Wilson after that was said,' was like, said she, 'the ould man that married the young wife more to be pitied than laughed at.' "I think I have said enough, and I am glad that Ryan has not put in his appearance. And if ye keep him away next Thursday, I will con- tinue the subject." CONTINUANCE OF OLD DOUGHERTY'S ORATION. "Well, I see you kept your word; and now I will continue my political discussion. Nicholas Ryan, your statistician, will not be here. Bar- ney 'Flynn informs me that he sent him a de- coy postal card informin' him that one of his brother members of the Ancient Order of Unit- ed Workmen wanted to see him immediately at the hospital it makes me laugh ; I have known Ryan for more than thirty years, and that 's the nearest he ever came to work, was when he joined a society that had a workin' name to it. Don't mention to him that I said this, but 'tis true. ' ; Well, I showed you in my last discourse how the ould Dimocratic and Republican machine was kept in runnin' order from the early 60 's to '75 or thereabouts. "Our Government is built on the plan that we agree to abide by whatever a majority of our Congress does whin it's signed by the President or what two-thirds of thim do if not signed by the President. The Supreme Court at times 46 McKENNA's STORIES may say such and such is not constitutional. But until such time, it 's the law. Now, whin ye don't agree on that, it's then back and bring on Mr. Force, the original governor of us all. There's your answer. "Well^ in the airly 60 's there was some dis- pute as to State Rights, and for the time bein' they put the Constitution in the safe and brought out 'Mr. Force.' He did the job as ye all know, but it took time, min, and money. "Well, after the ould regime died out, the risin' gineration took hould of the machines of both parties ; they had very little to come in on, except high tariff and tariff for revenue only, and free trade for the ould Dimocratic machine of the South. Wit' this and the Committee on Credentials, they continued the running of the ould political machines. The high tariff and the Committee on Credentials did many a good turn for the ould Republican machine of the North. Free Trade and the Committee on Cre- dentials did the same for the Dimocratic ma- ciiine of the South. 'The ould Dimocratic machine of the North was run on the text they read from some reli- gious book, for their battle cry was * First gel ye the meal tickets and the job and all things else will follow. ' Tammany won many a battle on that text. "Ould Samuel J. Tilden in '76 was the first to come near puncturin' the Republican machine DOUGHERTY CONTINUES 47 tire; but the investigatin ' committee appointed by the United States Congress eight to seven lost the spark plug somewhere in their investi- gating of the returns from New Orl'ans. This left the ould Dimocratic machine and Samuel Tilden stuck up on one of the hills on the Hud- son an' there ye are! "It was smooth goin' again for a long time for the Republican machine; thin come along ould Grover Cleveland he surely did puncture the ould Republican machine tire. Some one set up a loud cry about Grover at the time, but Barney O'Flynn says some one offset it with the cry Met all of us kind o' fellows stick together,' and the result was Cleveland won in a walk. "The ould Republican machine controlled both houses of Congress during Cleveland's first term, and you'd scarcely notice much in the change, and many the one came to the conclu- sion that the Dimocrats were not one-half as bad as depicted. It was a bad omen for the Repub- lican machine; many said at the time if you covered Cleveland's chair, you couldn't tell whether it was a Dimocrat or a Republican who was in the White House. And it made it hard goin' for the ould Republican machine. " "But a few of the ould boys in blue that was left, got together, brought out the ould flag again, and with Senator Foraker of Ohio, they put up one of the 'Quid Guard', Benjamin Har- rison, of Indiana, back in the chair. And again 48 MC!CENNA'S STORIES the ould Republican machine jogged away for a time. "But ould Cleveland again caused a blow out with his 'Tariff for revenue only' cry. Well, we got it, and all that was in the satchel with it. Thin Coxie's army distributed broken glass all along the road for the Dimocratic machine an' there you are. "An' thin come ould Mark Hanna with the long green, and McKinley wit' the cry of the full dinner pail, and submarine Bryan and the ould Dimocratic machine. Bryan wit' his 'six- teen to one' in silver got what every one else gets when they go up against the power of gold. They finish like Bryan and the ould Dimocratic machine did thin stuck in the road with a car overloaded with crosses of thorns. "Again the ould Republican machine goes smoothly until Teddy took big Bill Taft into the machine with him; the load was too heavy Teddy tried to have Taft 1 'ave the machine, but he refused. Thin Teddy hooked on the ould Bull Moose to the Republican machine, an' be- tween their draggin' and scrapin' the result was that Wilson run the ould Dimocratic machine into the White House. "Thin ould Malone of New York, as Mrs. Jim Kennedy says, when he said 'God bless Wil son for keepin' us out of war' that word filled the ould Republican machine carbureter full of tears, and it is now in the garage bein' greased up, waiting for the new catchword that will get DOUGHERTY CONTINUES 49 the tide of public opinon to carry it again to the White House. "The old Committee on Credentials at the last .Republican Convention saved Teddy from himself. Thanks to his friends, The Enemy. What a ducking the carbureter would have got if Teddy had met the fate of Hughes. "The ould Dimocratic machine of the South has soft go in' they may fight in the primary election but there the machine boss has one sayin' that never fails, and that is 'No gintle- man ever votes the Eepublican ticket.' And the ould boss knows well that no Southerner will admit that he's not a gintleman. So, no matter what the ould Committee on Credentials does to him, he r ll never bolt over to the Eepublican side. "Politics is like any other business ye can't run it sittin' on the wood pile. There are some that we know that started in the business on corned beef and cabbage, and have quit on cham- pagne and birds, but they are few and far be- tween. But there are many that we know that have started in on wine and birds, that have finished on corned beef and cabbage an' there ye are. "Now, if ye don't know the trick, as ould Keller, the Macrician, says, 'take it home and do it over several times till you are familiar with it, and maybe after tin or twinty years ye may be able to do it yourself. "Well, here's the finish of things as they stand today: Wilson and the Kaiser like the 50 MCKENNA'S STORIES kids in the game of tag the Kaiser touched Wilson and said to him, 'you're it.' Now it's up to Wilson to tag him back. An' what the next catch word will be to win the next election for the machines' bosses no one can tell, as it ain't coined yet. Now that I see Kyan comin' in the distance, I will say good afternoon to ye, and finish next week." CONCLUSION OF OLD DOUGHERTY'S DISCOURSE. "Well I,m here again and will finish my dis- course. But before I start, let me tell you this story: Joe Sheehan just told it to me he is just back from the Willow Springs. Joe's as big a trickster as ever put two feet in shoe leather. He said, 'You can now talk your head off, Dougherty, for Ryan, the Statistician, will not be here to confront you. For Barney O'Flynn and myself shanghaied him in Barney's little Ford out to the Willow Springs, where he is now stranded on the roadside.' "Barney is lyin' under a shady tree, readin' from the little red book 'what to look for when the car won't start.' Barney is pretindin' he's sick from the sun and h'at, and Ryan's doin' all the work tryin' to get the car started. Bar- ney says he'll hold him there all day, and if all else fails him he will have Ryan crank the car wit' the spark lever so advanced that it will cause a kick back and maim Ryan, to prevent his return.' " 'What will I look for,' says Ryan again 52 MCKENNA'S STORIES when the car don't start.' 'Here it is,' says Barney, readin ' aloud from the Bed book, as he sits in a shady spot under the big tree: 'First see if there's gasoline in the tank. Is the cock at the tank shut off! Is there spark inside the cylinder? Is the throttle closed? Is the gas pipe clogged ? Is the carbureter valve clogged ? Have ye clogged air inlet ? Have ye leaky mani- fold inlet pipe, Clogged spray ? Dirty valves ? Heavy float? Cold engine? Water in the gas- oline system, etc.? Ye 're now learning some- thing about the ould auto machine as well as the ould political machine.' 'Well,' says Ryan, 'it's not water that's in the gasoline system. Sheehan may have spilled some cold beer in the carbureter, but we've seen no water since we left the Brighton.' " 'An' you, Barney,' says By an, 'have too much cold beer in your carbureter, an' that's what ails ye more than the h'at of the day.' " 'Well, I promised to confront Dougherty this afternoon; I see my plans have failed me,' says Byan. " Barney,' says Byan, 'from the way you read from the little Bed book about the ailments of the auto, it sounds like an extract from the pamphlet of Lydia Pinkham on Pink Pills. The ould machine seems to have as 'many ailments as Lydia enumerated in her pamphlet in de- pictin' the troubles of the human body.' "As bad as the ould political machine is, it has not all of thim ailments to contind with. Now, if the ould political machine hesitates, you DOUGHERTY STILL, AT IT 53 might ask, 'are the ould party papers barkin' loud enough in their praises of the officials; or are the m'al tickets and the favors bein' dis- tributed ginerously; or are the committeemen workin' in unison and distributin' the m'al tick- ets where they will do the most good, etc. But the ould political machine has not got one-twen- tieth of the ailments that your ould auto- machine has if what you read from the little Red book is true. "Anny how ye will have a great government when ye advance to the idea of Mrs. James Ken- nedy, the suffragette. Whin ye have the right of referendum on all questions pertaining to yer life, liberty and property. But if things were to keep on as before the war, it would take many a day to accomplish that. Yer big inter- ests had drummers in every seaport town of the worrld, inducin' greenhorns to come, an' all the qualifications necessary was like the rule of the ould Yankee contractor that I was boss for in New Haven, Connecticut. His rule was for la- borin' min; never hire one that's either weak or wise. That's the principle on which y'er immi- gration drummers worked get them that's neither weak nor wise. For it's the work that's in thim that we want thim for, an' there you are. "Ye have a great plan of government; it has been and from all appearance it will continue for a long time to come that either the ould Dimocrat or Republican machine will run it for ye. When they have everything prepared and 54 MCKENNA'S STORIES the bill of fare selected, they send out their in- vitations for the great banquet. Every one is invited to participate. But divil a thing ye have to say with what's go in' to be served. Ye can rail and find fault an' if ye don't like the Dimocratic feed, ye can go over to the Repub- lican feed. But it's like the hotels in Pine Bluff, Arkansaw, where there are but two ; whin ye go to one, ye wish ye had gone to the other an' there it is for ye in a nutshell. "About two hundred artistic machine experts plan out what the one hundred million of ye need for their best interests, an' yer best wel- fare; an' from the looks of things we will be layin' down below the clover with the top well smoothed over before any different plan will be brought into play. ' ' In the South there 's a little of the ould sting of '61 left. Here is a sample of it : When I was boss at Biloxi, Mississippi, I met an ould man named Sullivan that was gardener for Jeff Davis at the time of the war. One day I said, 'Sullivan, how are ye?' 'All right, Dougherty,' said he, 'but for a little rheumatism in the right leg ; a Yankee shot me in the leg there, ' pointin ' out to the Mississippi Sound ferninst the town of Biloxi. " 'Well,' said I, 'Sullivan, maybe it was an Irishman that shot you.' 'Oh,' he says, 'we called them all Yankees in those days.' "Well, ould Sullivan married a Mississippi girl and they have the house full of Sullivans, an' ivery one of thim has learned that a Yankee DOUGHERTY STILL AT IT 55 shot the father in the leg, an from there comes the ould sting. An', as ould Sullivan said, all the ould ladies in the South, when the kids were small an' wouldn't go to sleep when tould, the ould ladies would say, 'here comes the Yankees.' So ye see it takes a long time for the ould sting to die out. In the South they raised their pop- ulation it was slow comin'. But in the North we imported most of our population. In the South the young generation of today talk of the war of '61 as if it was yesterday. Now, in the North, for instance in twinty of the wards of Chicago, if ye were to speak of the war of '61, it would be paid as little heed to as if you were talkin' of the battle of Clontarf, where Bryen Boiroimhe drove the Danes from Ireland and there it is for ye. "Our country may be compared with Lake Michigan, it's the greatest body of drinkin' wa- ter in the worrld, but if ye turned all of the sew- erage of Chicago into it, it would soon be de- stroyed. So with our Government, it is the greatest plan of government ever left to man; but if you fill the country with all kinds of isms and ignorance, you soon destroy your plan of governmint. "This war was not born from an American sentiment, but from a spirit of hatred, that the races of the ould worrld have had against one another generated and kept alive from one gen- eration to the other, from stories they learned 56 McKENNA's STORIES from their fathers and grandfathers. And it came with too many of ye to this country. "I hope it will be the good mothers of the country that will save us from greed. Intelli- gence, knowledge, and love of country is not cul- tivated in a fortnight. When our boys are go- ing to fight, let them know that the flag is still in the care of their fathers and mothers, and that their places are not being supplanted with ignorance for the profit of the few. And that wherever Old Glory is seen floating that it still represents a country, run on the sentiments of Washington, Jefferson, and the signers of the Declaration of Independence. Now, let ye put that in your pipe and smoke it." THE WAR IS A BAD OMEN FOR PAT ENG- LISH AND HIS AFFILIATED CLUB. "McKenna," said Pat English, "I called down to see you on the same mission. that Pat Price came last week, namely the advisability of the adjourning of the club meetings for the summer months. Pat Price told you the trouble he had to manage his club, on account of the new condition created by the war. Well, sir, if he had the trouble with his one precinct club, you can guess what mine is when they call one of them affiliated club meetings whatever that means. No man but a college educated man like Mike Dwyer could think of a word like that. ''At our last week's meeting of the affiliated clubs, we had all the war factions of Europe, made up of min that represent all races and re- ligions of Europe ; min that have been fighting one another for the past thousand years, as races and religionists. It's no job for a sick man to manage thim. One slip of a word, and they're at it. "For instance, John Pouillot, the French- man, said to Ed Berndt, the German, that Teddy was goin' over to conquer Germany and be elected the Kaiser himself. 'Well,' said Berndt, 'there's a saying in my country, "There's many a man that got a clean shave that never got to be Pope." Johnny Murphy had to separate thim. "We had an old lady suffragette address the meetin'. She said: 'Min, why, but you assimi- late the American idea and the American spirit.' 58 MCKENNA'S STORIES Sure them laddy-bucks know nothing of the American idea; the only thing they know is that they were skinned by every one they come in contact with the first five or six years they were in the country. "Johnny Murphy says that when they get out of the skin class and become 'skinners' them- selves, they'll be as patriotic as the balance of ye. ' ' The good lady also spoke on the timperance question. Henry Korting, the German, said, in- terruptin' her: 'Ye can talk as much as you may, but there is more friendship in a pint of Cassidy's or Eolston's or Sheehan's or Hell- yer's whisky than there is in a barrel of but- termilk. If the question was to be decided on the noise, Korting won the debate. "We always had a social keg o' beer at our meetin's before the war cloud came, but it's hard enough now to keep them apart on oatmeal water. "I see so many of thim, McKenna, with their fingers crossed when we sing our patriotic clos- ing ode, that I am like Pat Price, afraid that Clabaugh and Clyne will come in upon thim with their mind-reading apparatus and interne thim until the war is over. So you see why I am anxious to get away for the summer. As Kelly says, 'Whin an Irishman learns enough to get away from the shovel, anybody that gets anything out of him without value received, is welcome to it.' So I'm off for my vacation. Good bye, McKenna." THE DIPLOMACY OF TOM SHEEHAN, THE BUFFET KEEPER OF ARCHER ROAD. "McKenna," said Nicholas Ryan, "you missed the time of your life that you were not at our last week's affiliated clubs' meeting at Baker's Hall. We had Tommy Sheehan, the saloonkeeper, to act as chairman. Tommy is very diplomatic. He says in order to insure harmony and good will, we'll dispose of the reading of the minutes of the last meeting. 'And now for new business,' said he. 'What is your pleasure?' "Tommy told me privately, at first thought he was going to send for Sergeant Egan and Captain Madden of the Brighton station to fur- nish protection. But when he saw come in as visitors Patrick English, Hennessy, Gear, Johnny Murphy and Norton, from ' The Pocket ' precincts, and with them Rudolph Klank, the wrestler, and then our own talent looking them over, said he, 'This will be an orderly meeting, for any one now wantin' to fight can 60 MCKENNA'S STORIES get all he wants of it just for the asking.' And that's the best guarantee against fighting. "Mike Dwyer set the ball to rolling by say- ing, 'We are now at war for the freedom of the seas and for the freedom of small nations ; and I have a resolution prepared so as to guard against mishaps. It's asking for the freedom of Ireland first.' "The motion, to our surprise, was seconded by Dan Pool, an old salt sailor, an Englishman. He said he sailed around the world eleven times. He's been in every port and principal city in the world, from Liverpool to Bombay; and it gave him the pleasure of his life to have the privilege of seconding the motion. 'For,' said he, 'he worked with the Irish sailor, and that the English sailor and the English nawie and the Irish sailor and the Irish nawie were the two greatest friends,' from his experience, that's in all His Majesty's possessions. "Said he, 'Their likes and dislikes are alike. They like the girls and they like their drink, and they dislike a tightwad, and they believe in the same principle that money was made to keep circulating.' And said he, 'As John L. Sullivan says, they're the only men of two na- tions that will take off their shirts and make a square stand-up fight with the weapons that na- ture gave them. And for union principle,' said he, 'either one of them will starve to death, rather than to violate its command. And as far as I've ever heard, where the English and the Irish don't agree and get along is in the TOM SHEEHAN 's DIPLOMACY 61 House of Parliament,' so said he, 'I hope the motion will prevail.' "You could hear the noise of the answer 'yea' in the neighborhood for two days after the mo- tion was put. "Herman Klank near caused a commotion when he stood up to favor the motion. He said he wished that when Ireland was getting her freedom, that the English government would be in the same predicament that Russia was in when they had to give up Poland. "Now, Tommy Sheehan was very diplomatic; he saw what was coming immediately, and said he, 'Fellows, I have a friendly tip for ye. One of the government officers with Sergeant Eagan and Captain Madden, and a few bulls are at the front door as you go out. Some one has in- formed them that some of the persons present have concealed weapons with them.' " 'Now,' says he, 'let me tell you something; be quiet and quick; slip down the back way and out through my place.' It worked like a charm and saved a battle royal. The hall was emptied in two minutes without a cross word and without the aid of the police." 62 MCKENNA'S STORIES JERRY DUGGAN, PRESIDENT OF THE 40TH PRECINCT REPUBLICAN CLUB IN CON- FAB WITH M'KENNA. "McKenna," said Jerry Duggan, president of the Fortieth Precinct Republican Club, "there's always more or less discord in our meetings. It's a new precinct, made up of for- eigners from all parts of the world. Savin' a few Irish there, you might say they're all for- eigners." ' ' Duggan, ' ' says Jim Doyle, ' ' sure them that you call foreigners are no more foreigners than the Irish. Sure, they have their papers as well as you have." "Well, sir," says I, "it's not papers that change you from bein' a foreigner. You might have papers the size of a bale of hay and still be a foreigner. Anny man with half an eye in his head, if he looks around him, can see that, in anny part of the country you turn into, today. As Bobby Burns says, 'You can place your minted mark on copper, brass and a' that, but the lie is gross, the cheat is plain, it will no pass for a' that,' An' I am tellin' you it's just the same with the papers. They're only the certi- ficate ; ' the man 's the gold for a ' that ', and pa- pers don't change him if his heart is not right. And this does not apply to any particular na- tionality, but we see it in them all." "Begorra," says Duggan, "it's wastin' labor and paper, McKenna, to be furnishin' certifi- cates for the Irish. For as sure as I'm tellin' DUGGAN SAYIN' THINGS 63 ye, there's scarcely an ould Irish mother in Ire- land but has one or more sons or daughters in America, livin' or dead; and where the missin' ones are, there's where the heart and love is. Not only of the mother, but the whole family. And that's why I say it's wastin' time and pa- per to be furnishin' certificates to the Irish. They're none of them foreigners when they come here, for their hearts and love were in America long before they thought of sailin' for America. Now you can see that in every place you go to today; it's not the paper that changes you from bein' a foreigner all the papers in the world wouldn't do the job. It' something that's in you and not the papers. It's not the grassy field or the running brook, because they're everywhere. It's the remembrance of the livin' sintiments of George Washington that's in our hearts that changes us from bein' 1 f urreigners '. For, with those sintiments dead, all countries would look alike to us. And I hope we'll never live to see that day. "And it's not the Constitution, for there are min that could ate the Constitution. But it's that unwritten law, the sentimints of Washing- ton, that has so firmly rooted itself in our sys- tem that it cannot be changed or destroyed without takin' with it the life of the Nation. This is the sintiment and not paper certificates that changes us from bein' ' f urreigners '. "At our last meetin' we had the divil's time; they induced Mike Dwyer, the tay man, to act as chairman of the meeting'. Mike speaks sivin 64 different languages and uses them all to advan- tage in sellin' tay to the women folks of the ward. He started up the meetin' by sayin' that from writings and from evidence we find in the excavations in Egypt, that as far back as nine thousand years ago, somewhere in the Valley of the Nile, min assembled as we are tonight to better their' condition. "Ryan says overreading is like overeating if you are consuming stuff you cannot di- gest. "At Dwyer's remarks the fun commenced. Little Nicholas Ryan jumped to his feet, sayin', 'I challenge your assertion, Dwyer. You have been reading profane history and takin' your excavation report from un-Christian scientists who are doin' the divil's work in tryin' to de- stroy the Bible. You've got us back now more than two thousand years before the Good Book tells that God made man at all. We can stand for political heresy; but we'll not stand for any of that kind of falsifying profane history doc- trine that you started out with. And I demand that you retire from the chair and discontinue your talk.' " The timely arrival of Sergeant Eagan an- nouncin' that Mintz' Clothes Pressing Parlor next door was on fire, and advising, them for safety to lav^e the hall as quick as possible saved the day, as both sides were equally divided. SPEECH DELIVERED BY OLD MAN AN- THONY DEVLIN AFTER TAKING TWO SUPS OF SHEEHAN'S WHISKEY. "McKenna," says Con O'Brien, "the Forty- first Precinct Club had one grand time at our last meeting; we had everything that goes to make up sociability, with song and talk galore. "McKenna, whatever is in that whisky of Sheehans, I don't know, but they say it will make a dummy talk. "When old man Anthony Devlin got in two glasses of it you could not stop him, and without it you couldn't get a word out of him any more than you could out of a stone. "Well, sir, we got him to make a speech. He started in by saying he didn 't know what the ris- ing generation was coming to at all. 'Ye 're a race of chance-takers,' said he. 'And, boys, let me tell ye ; I was in the employ of the Brooklyn Department of Public Works the summer that Henry Ward Beecher took hell out of religion. T knew Henry well, and one day, says I to him, 'Your Riverince, when you get hell out of re- 66 MCKENNA'S STORIES ligion, then you've lost control of the rising gen eration.' And the longer I live the more con- vinced I am of the same. And now it's the same thing with politics. When the politicians put civil service into politics, ye lost control of the precinct workers. "In the ould days they sent out their call. If every one did not respond with every relation they had, there would be something doing before the week was over. Now, when they send out a call, all the gang begins to stall. "I know it; I've worked in the West Parks mowing the grass when William J. Cooke was the superintendent, and at the time Yates was Governor. We had one of them severe Swede foremen over us, and this was a primary day. Said he : 'The General meaning William Cooke will be around tomorrow to inspect, and the grass must be attended to primary or no pri- mary. ' "Well, sir, I said to the boys, 'look out ye for the primary; God will care for the grass. But if ye lose the primary, there'll be new grass mowers here in a short time.' And I whis- pered, 'A new boss, too.' "Well, the boss insisted that the grass must be first attinded to, and the result was our fel- lows lost the primary by six votes. "And as true as I'm tellin' ye, there were very soon new grass mowers and new bosses on the job. And with the new min came civil serv- ice. One of the questions, in order to get a job WHAT MADE DEVLIN TALK 67 mowing grass, was to describe hydrogen and oxygen. ''Said I in me answer, 'Divil a gin I know of but Holland gin and it's all right for thim wooden-shoe fellows, but it's very sickenin' for the Irish if you take too much of it at one feed. ' "I passed the examination. "Now, I see by the papers, that a society of old men and women are about to take the exe- cution out of the law. You may laugh, but stranger things have been done. Little Dinny McManus' bill will then come into play, and it will regulate everything. You have now the honor of bein' tried before a jury of your fel- low citizens. But Dinny 's bill changes it to read, 'You will be tried in all cases by men in your own line of business.' This, says Dinny, 'will clean the court calendar, will empty the jails, will reduce the number of judges and court bailiffs and juries and all that, and will save the tax payers money.' Dinny says there's tricks in all trades but the carpenters, and at times they drive a screw with the hammer. And so it will be in all things. What to an outsider now seems an offinse, whin you're tried by min in your own line of business, they will see that the offense that you're charged with is but a trick in the trade and no harm or great wrong attached to it especially no crime. "It's horse traders will act as the jurymen in all cases where cheating goes on in regard to horse trading. Preachers will be tried by 68 MCKENNA'S STORIES preachers, bankers by bankers, gamblers by gamblers, trusts by the trust officials, commis- sion men by commission men. So you can see by this bill of Dinny's, with hell out of religion, civil service in politics, the execution out of the law and Dinnys bill in operation, there's a brighter and happier day for us all in store." After these remarks Anthony fainted, and he was revived by another glass of the same kind of whiskey that started him to talkin'. and the meetin' adjourned for the summer months. LITTLE JOHNNIES INQUIRY. Grandpa, you must tell to me, What's all this war about? My teacher- she don't seem to know Makes Mamma cry to tell, And Murphy's boy. he swore today! He said that war was hell! Now, Grandpa, you must tell to me, 'Cause then I'll know just why When Mamma gets Pa's letters, She always starts to cry. Mamma's not the only one, 'Cause I know other boys That have Pa's, too, that's gone to war And Mamma's, too, that cry. Say, Grandpa, do just tell to me! 'Cause then I'll know just why When Mammas get those letters They always start to cry. Grandpa will not tell to you What's all this war about, 'Cause if it was that easy Then there'd be no reason why That Papa's, too, must go to war And Mamma's have to cry. John J. McKenna. 70 MCKENNA'S STOEIES THOUGHTS OF THE HOUR. Here's to the thoughts expressed in words, By men in days gone by; Whose object was to raise mankind, Or in the struggle die. Here's to tJhe thought mankind Before the law shall on an equal stand; And here's to the men who expressed in words These sentiments so grand. Here's to the conditions brought about To prove those thoughts were true; And here's to the men w*ho sacrificed To better I and you. Herd's to the unmarked graves Where lie those heroes true, Whose lives were but a sacrifice To better I and you. Here's to the grand old flag! And the Constitution, too; And here's to the thoughts expressed in words, That have proven staunch and true; And here's to the men whose thoughts and words Have bettered I and you. Here's to George Washington And Abraham Lincoln, too. And to all brave men who did the things To better I and you. Here's again to our Constitution, And to those heroes of the days gone by, Who left that Constitution To protect both you and T. Let our Congress not now desert us, But as free men, staunch and true, With all t'heir might, stand for the right, As Washington taught them to. John J. YOUNG DOUGHERTY THE LAWYER ON PRACTICAL GOVERNMENT AND NICHO- LAS RYAN'S VIEWS ON A FEW OTHER THINGS. "McKenna," says Dan Flynn of the 33rd Precinct, ' * last Tuesday night was a great night for oratory in our precinct. Big Tom Dough- erty's son, the young lawyer, made the princi- pal talk of the evening. "Begorra, McKenna, it takes Sheehan or Cassidy's whisky to make some of thim talk; but this laddie Buck could talk all day on ice water. The risin' generation is a wonder. It makes me laugh when I think back. I knew most of their grandfathers. They were good handy min with the shovel, and artists at erect- ing straight lumber piles and the like o' that. But the risin' gineration's away from the shovel and the lumber pile. It's nothin' now but 'Dr. Schultz, Lawyer Dougherty, Banker and Broker McNear and Fault, etc., etc. " 'Why is the cause of this?' said I to little Nicholas Ryan of the 31st precinct. 'Well, sir,' 7:2 MCKENNA'S STORIES said he, 'let me tell ye ye can't raise good shovelers and lumber pilers on one of thim bot- tles with the rubber nipple. Now that's the whole thing in a nut shell,' said he. ' * Sure, the first thing a young couple thinks of now when they're gettin' married is the bird cage and the silver collar for the dog; and if any mishaps does occur, thin for the bottle and the bogus malted milk. There's yer answer for ye, now. No good shovelers or lumber pilers will come from that stuff. ''Well, sir, young Dougherty gave us a talk on practical government. Said he. 'The ould days of the min with the broad-brimmed hat and homespun suit, and with the glad hand is a thing o' the past. The man,' said he, 'that has control of the feed box and the meal ticket is the man we take our hat off to today. There's tickets,' said he, 'for the water pipe extension department employees. The trust meal ticket,' said he, 'is the right to go on and clean up things without bein' investigated, and the gambler's meal ticket is a like one. The race- track man's ticket is the privilege of running races with the assistance of the Sheriff. The show man's ticket is the right to crowd the aisle and scalp the tickets without the interference of the police force. The every day business man's ticket is a privilege to block the sidewalks with his goods and wares as though he was the only one on earth. The real estate man's ticket is the privilege of violatin' city ordinances, sub- dividing and building imitation homes to sell the LAWYER DOUGHERTY 73 public. The stock exchange man's ticket is the right to buy and sell the earth and all things therein five times per day on margins without it's being classified as gambling. And so it goes along down the line,' said he. 'Railroads, gas, electric and telephone tickets is the privilege that ye 're all acquainted with. Everybody is after a meal ticket and hence the power of the new political king.' " 'Think,' said he, 'of the assortment of meal tickets our President has on hand, and the mayors of the big cities. It makes one of thim kings on the other side of the pool look like thirty cents compared with what our bosses have. And, said he, 'if Napoleon Bonaparte had had the meal tickets at his disposal when he was on the island of St. Helena, that those I have mentioned have, he would have had the holders of them put to work and bail out the ocean so that he could drive home with his coach and four. " 'A job holders' meal ticket,' said he, 'is but a lead one compared with the new conditions. It's not Ould Brown, the merchant, any more,' said he, 'but it's the Brown Company, a crea- ture of the political powers that be. And it needs a meal ticket to keep it from slipping a cog, ' said he. " 'There 're all kinds of meal tickets; one legalizing certain business that certain folks are radical enough to term gamblin'. The ticket holders of tariff reduction and reduction of rev- enues on certain goods controlled by certain in- 74 McKENNA's STORIES terests; conservative banking law tickets; con- servative insurance tickets; life is too short to mintion thim all, ' said he. " 'But,' said he, 'the same ould meal ticket when out workin' produced the same effect on the grand common people of America that it does on the aristocrats of Europe. It keeps thim bowin' and scrapin' to their respective made and born bosses. It cements a bond of friendship between them that keeps the existing condition of things together. " 'And you notice,' said he, 'when any one does anything to disturb the ould boss of the meal ticket, all the ticket boulders begin to chirrup; and when you start to do up the ould boss, ye find,' said he, 'ye have to do up all the ticket boulders. For we are a very conserva- tive people,' said he, 'when things are in our favor. " 'But,' said he, 'we can see power and vir- tue is alike it's aisy destroyed. And when ye lose the job as boss of the feed box and distribu- tor of the meal ticket, you're like,' said he, 'the Czar of all the Russias that small that you could not be seen by one of thim powerful glasses used by the street corner astronomer that shows you the moon.' "McKenna, young Dougherty is a fine looker I wish him success. But they say in my part of the ould country, "the bigger the rogue, the more grinteel.' "At this juncture of the meeting Cassidy stepped in and rose up his hand. Must a mo- LAWYER DOUGHERTY 75 ment,' said he; 'when ye adjourn, come over to my place. I've just tapped a fresh keg of lemonade and want to have the privilege of givin' a treat to the success of young Dough- erty, our neighbor.' "And we did. The meeting was a grand suc- cess." 76 MCKENNA'S STORIES MORE TRUTH THAN POETRY. There is a fountain and a great one, Widespread in our land; Thousands of God's people it has in command. It's a fountain of all evil, an ocean of tears. From its fountain head into this world flows Directly or indirectly all our miseries and woes. From this monster fountain many streams doth flow, And to near all of God's people, in high rank and low, It has left its mark. And lo! Mark its woe! In its sparkling stream as it gracefully glides From our beautiful cities to our far mountain sides, Where'er it has rested it has there left its trace, It's killing by thousands the men of our race. It's a fountain of enterprise, not one of God's make, It's established for us in this land of the free, Our asylums and prisons yes, far worse I see In its terrible flow, in its terrible strife It has caused separation of husband and w r ife. It has caused little children the streets to roam Without father or mother, shelter or home. In hunger and rags doMi it cause them to go To the prison door with its stream do they flow. All of our hopes doth its stream flood away, In it our lives and our prospects decay; Our God, our Lord, our family, our friends, Our virtue, our morals to its bottom descend, Oh, it's that cursed fountain for which many crave And with its stream flow to the poor pauper's grave. John J. McKenna. RYAN ON LOYALTY TO THE FLAG. "Begorra," says Nicholas Ryan, in beginning his address, "McKenna" will have us talkin' until some fine day Sergeant Egan and Captain Madden of the Brighton Station will come along and jug us all. "Well, we can do notMn' else to enjiy our- selves but talk. What was fun to us once is now labor, and we are past that. The park fields we now give over to the young folks. "But here in the memory of the late beloved McKinley, unless we forget ourselves for the moment, we could nayther say nor think any- thing that would intintionally harm anyone. "Everybody is trying to say and do things that would regulate the things of the worrld to their liking. "But it's the divil's job to do the convincin'. There have been many good talkers in the field since the ould world first began to bob around, and a never a one of 'em as yet has been able to get away with his argument without finding a disputer. The same is true with ye the divil an argument can a man present to ye, but y'er 78 MCKENNA'S STORIES there with your documentary evidence and sta- tistics to prove he is wrong or mistaken in his conception of the subject presinted. "So a man may just as well be sayin' non- sensical things to ye as presentin' solid matter, for ye dispute it no matter what is presinted. "As Barney O'Flynn tells of his experience he had in a week 's stay on the jury. Says Bar- ney, "The divil such eleven stubborn men did T ever meet in my life as I did on that jury. I near talked myself to death trying to convince them that the way they ought to decide the case was as I thought. It was a useless job. I said to Barney, ' May be ye were wrong. ' ' No, ' says Barney 'how could I be wrong!' "An' that's the way with a lot of ye. I be- lieve in free speech to any one. I think it is a good thing to let any one shout out that what is in thim ; the gallery will soon decide whether he's in the right or wrong, and if wrong they'll be there wit' their answers, 'back to the high timbers with you.' But I don't believe in a fel- low, that when the gallery decides that he is wrong, that he is then in for b'atin you or pullin' the gun out to make you believe as he does. "Now Teddy says we'll have to do something to stop this disloyalty that is goin' on. Well, sor, Teddy with all his good faults is the sub- marine of startin' things. When he thinks a thing is wrong no matter what others may think he's there with the sledge hammer im- mediately. He tore up the red tape in the army with one rip whin he went out wit* the b'ys to "OuLD NICK" AT IT 79 Santiago. He dropped the pile driver hammer weight on ould Bill Taft and the Republican machine at the Coliseum ; and if he had his way he would have had us over to beat the Kaiser without givin ' us time to put on our clothes. "Teddy's like Barney 'Flynn hasty but well meanin'. Barney was workin' on the sewer wit' Tom Byrnes, when one day an Italian said something to Barney. He up wit' the shovel an' let it fly at the Italian. And as it was makin' its way for the Italian's head Barney cried out 'Tony, dodge it', said he. That's the doings and sayin's of things without considering the dam- age ye may be doin'. "Well surely every body can't say what Teddy says without being jugged. But he sets the example, and the lesser lights follow him. An' that's the cause of all this turmoil that's now going on in the country. "Sure there's no American that's disloyal to the principle as laid down by Washington, Jef- ferson and the signers of the Declaration of In- dependence. Now that's the country it's not the grassy fields, or the hills or the water it's those sentiments that's America. That's what the Flag stands for. There's no one disl'yal to that. It's slingin' the shovel without thinkin' of what might be the consequence. That is the cause of our turmoil but there is no disl'yalty. "But there are things that people are inquir- ing about; we see all the min, children and women in harness workin'. We know that capi- tal is plentiful and money cheap. New invin- 80 MCKENNA'S STORIES tions labor savin' machines of all kinds; great educational institutions everywhere, but we can't find why, with all that we have, that the masses of the people are payin' higher prices for every article today than they did whin things were made by hand. Who is doin' the trick? That's what we would like to know, and how is it done? Or would the knowin' take all the fun out of the trick? ' ' These are some of the things we would like to be hearin' about. But after all, what's the difference to us ould fellows, and the divil the care have the young on their minds but fun and pleasure, and they have it, with all our kicks and f aultfindin ' ; and as Barney and I took our jaunt with our little Ford through the classic suburban towns of the North Shore, we see our finish in what we see in others if we live too long. We find, whether we're high financiers, or high grade shovelers, we'll all meet that finish which we see in our jaunt. There they were the high financiers of the past, the few of them that have lived to the ripe ould age, as I say, a few years too long there they were pushin' the go cart for the son or daughter-in- law if there was anything to push. If not, then exercising the poodle or out on the shady side of the lawn wit' the parrot, learnin' it to swear. ''Now, let ye go home and think it over until next Thursday afternoon when Pat Price will be back from his vacation with a good fish story. An' as they say a good fisherman and a good liar generally make the trip together." PAT PRICE BEFORE THE SUN WORSHIP- ERS' CLUB AT THE M'KINLEY PARK ON HIS RETURN FROM VACATION. HIS FISH STORY IS GOOD. Pat Price, President of the Thirty-sixth Pre- cinct Republican Club addresses the Sun Wor- shipers Club at McKinley Park on his return from his vacation. "Well, I'm glad to see this number of ye here this afternoon. I would have forgot all about the meetin ' but for John Noonan 's kid. Said he to me 'Mr. Price, are you goin' to the Sun Wor- shiper's Club this afternoon!' "What the divil do ye in 'an wid yer Sun Worshipers Club?" " 'Well,' said he 'we kids call you fellows Sun 82 MCKENNA'S STORIES Worshipers because ye'r always on the sunny side of the McKinley monument on cold days.' * ' Chase yourself, ' ' said I to him, and he made a noise at me like a billy goat. ' ' Well, sir, that Dutchman, George Abhau and John Noonan have that many kids running loose in the park they ought to be payin' a spe- cial tax for them. "Well, sir, anyhow, fishin' is a pleasure. As Barney O'Flynn says 'charity covers a multi- tude of sins.' So say I fishin' covers a mul- titude of secrets from the ould woman, for as Barney says, at times he likes a drop, and the ould woman is on to him. She wouldn't give in that she knew he was takin' it, for if she did, she knows he'd finish the job. But she hacked and sighed and says 'Barney.' Do you smell what I smell, would the house be on fire, or what is it do ye think?' Very well does she know what it is, and she hints very strong, but still won't give in. So to make a long story short the Lake Front is a good place there is lots of room there an' ye'r in the company of thim that the smell of the bottle is not offensive to. " Barney O'Flynn said to me today 'did ye ever notice the wimmin? The first question your wife will ask mine when they meet is 'How is Barney?' and the next is 'Is he workinT That's all they care is he workin. ' For then they know the pay envelope will be comin'. Begorra, they're on to PS' says Barney. But I say wid all their faults we couldn't get along without thim. They may rummage yer pockets to see PAT PRICE'S FISH STORY 83 that there's no holes in thim that you might lose your change, and sometimes fight with you. But ever since they j'ined partners with us in strippin the tree of the apples in the Garden of Aiden, it seems the divil couldn't keep us apart. "This is a very appropriate place to meet- here at the monument erected in the memory of William McKinley. Historians may write that there were greater men than McKinley, but his death came at a time whin our beloved country was at peace and harmony, with prosperity smilin' on the face of every man, woman and child, rich and poor, throughout the lingth and breadth of the land. ' ' Whin other great min died, there was some ould sting from some cause that with some people could not be forgotten at the time. ' ' But when the clock stopped and the hum of industry died for the moment in respect to McKinley 's memory, there was not a sting left in the h'arts or the minds of the American peo- ple. An' the spirit of good will that was shown to his memory on that day was sincere and came from the hearts, as pure as the smile that comes to the face of a loving child, and may the Lord be always good to him. "Well, Barney O'Flynn and myself are good fishermen if we have to say it ourselves. An' I am now going to tell ye of one of our fishin' trips below at the Lake Front some years back. After what we see, heard, and drank, we thought thin, as ye do now, that we had the solution of 84 McKENNA's STORIES the very questions that keep ye here arguin' about day afther day. The story is this : " 'As we set out on the lake pier, along came an ould Game and Fish Warden that said he was from somewhere down in Egypt, Illinois. It was at the time the late 'Private John' Tan- ner was the Governor of Illinois. 'Well', said the Game Warden, when he took a look at what he see goin' on, said he, lookin' at Barney and myself 'There's something wrong in Den- mark,' said he. There to his view was the Swedes, the Danes and the Norwegians, fishin' wit nets and seines, and the balance of us had only the line and hook. There, said he, * they are like the high financiers. They fish for fish and the dollars, while ye fish for fish and the sport that's in it. They have carts to carry away their catch, while ye could aisly carry away yer catch, on a small shtring. " 'That's not fair,' said he; 'things are not equalized right.' ''Just then come along an Irishman by the name of McDermott. I will never forget him. The Irish are ginerally religiously inclined. But whin ye get one of thim that is not, the divil only knows what he may do. They say it was wan of thim that invinted the submarine, but I'm not thinkin' that bad of thim. "But anyway, this McDermott came along wit' what we afterwards found out to be a stick of dynamite a wire wit' a battery attached to it. Whin the Swedes, and the Danes and the PAT PRICE'S FISH STORY 85 Norwegians see him, they stopped their work to watch him. The Game Warden never see the like of that below in Egypt, and was not heedin' McDermott until he touched the button. Well, sir, up come a splash and up come ten thousand fish. It took all the carts in the First Ward to carry all the fish away. " 'Well, sir,' said the ould Game Warden, 'I will put a stop to all this. Things must be aiqualized,' said he. And back to Springfield with him. He had a bill passed aiqualizing things in the fish line, compelling them all to go back to the hook and line, so that all would get an equal chance at the fish. " 'Well, sir,' said Barney O'Flynn to me, af- ter takin' another sup from the bottle; 'here, you take a drop, too.' Said he, 'We have now solved the whole question that's uppermost in the minds of the people over the question of regulatin' things on the river of commerce, said he. "What do we find, said I. At the head of the stream there was ould Jay Gould, ould Morgan, ould Vanderbilt, wit' their nets. Thin come along young Forgan, young Vanderbilt, Carne- gie and Schwab, with their seines, and spread them clear across the river of Commerce, wit the fish swimming low, and the swiftness of the tide, divil a catch at all could the great mass of fishermen, wit' the hook and line get; lucky if they srot a nibble. "When alone: came ould man Harriman, wit' the Irishman McDermott 's tactics of dynamite. 86 McKfiNNA's STORIES With his plan he caused a splash in the river of Commerce that so wet or watered the stocks of all the concerns that he was interested in, that their price was thirty fold increased to him af- ter the duckin ' he gave them. Well, he near took all the money in sight with him. When we see that, Barney cried out: " 'Now for the solution, Patrick! We will have our Congressman present a bill similar to the Fish Warden's bill compellin' them all to go back to the hook and line.' "Well, sir, to our surprise the Invisible Gov- ernment, as Root called it when he was a candi- date for office it did to our bill what the dog pound master does to the vicious dogs when they come to the dog pound chloroform them. Our Congressman said 'that's the fate your bill met chloroformed in the committee', said he. And there you are. The divil a sign or tidin' has ever been heard of it since. " 'Well,' said Barney, when he heard the news, 'our bait was too small to go regulatin' things wit' anyway. But may be it's all for the best,' said Barney. 'For many's the hole would be left undug if some of us was not broke.' "With this I'm goin' to quit ye, but will be here next Thursday to hear from some of the other boys that will have returned from their vacation for lack of funds." RYAN, THE STATISTICIAN, AND M'KENNA IN CONVERSATION. "McKenna," said Nicholas Ryan, the statis- tician of the Sun Worshipers Club, "you will have to do me a favor. It's like this, when- ever there's a lot of talkin' going on, or letter writin' there's always explanations to follow. For instance, whin the Pope, or Wilson, or the Kaiser sind out letters or make speeches, you'll see following their letter or addresses, explana- tions by the cabinet members and secretaries sayin' what was said didn't mean what ye fought; but it meant this and that, and sir, it seems as if it takes months before that what was said is explained so that we can under- stand what was meant by the words that were said ; and now the same is true in what I 'm go- ing to explain to you. It's all concerning some remarks that Pat Price of the 31st Precinct made at the meeting at McKinley Park. Price is a friend of mine, and he 's all right ; but mis- statements will occur. He wants me to apolo- gize for him. Now, I'm up on statistics, but am no good on apologizing especially where women 88 MCKENNA'S STORIES are concerned an' that's the rub. An' that's why I'm askin' ye to do the apologizin' for nie. "Now, it's like this: When Pat Price was comin' down 38th street on the day of the meetin', he was met by, a kid askin' him if he was goin' to the Sun " Worshipers Club meetin', and some words took place between them. Well, sir, John Ralston, the saloon keeper, was standin' in front of his buffet just whin the conversation took place. Ralston is full of tricks. After the conversation, Price stepped into Ralston 's buffet to have a 'sup' to kind o' brace him up for the speech he was goin' to deliver at the park, and Price said to Rals- ton: 'Whose kid was that?' "Now, Ralston with his tricks said: 'That's John Noonan's kid.' And further said he 'John Noonan and the German contractor, George Abhaue, have that many kids runnin' loose in the park that they ought to be payin' a special tax for thim. ' Well, you see this deceived Price and in his remarks at the park he min- tioned that report. Price was angry at the kid for some remark that he made that vexed him. "Well, it now turns out that Mrs. John Noonan is your sister, McKenna ; and she stop- ped Price on the street askin' him to explain. Said she to Price, 'I have no children at all; and if my husband, John Noonan, has that many of thim that they're crowdin' the park, I want to learn about it.' Well, she and Mrs. George Abhaue are two personal friends, and it's the RYAN IN TROUBLE 89 same case with Mrs. Abhaue, and she's after Price for an explanation. An' her husband, George, is very vexed and can't explain the circumstances to her. And there it is for you. An' it's Ralston, the trickster, that's the cause of it all; but he's under cover and says he re- members nothin ' of the evint. ' ' So you see how aisy a man can be deceived. Now Price says it was aisy to deceive him, as it would not be anything strange if min wid such names as Noonan and Abhaue would have a flock of children. But that's where Ralston got his joke in on Price. Now I want you to get Price out of his trouble. Price says that's the first speech he ever made an' says he 'it will be the last one.' So, McKenna, you'll do the job for me an' him and have things explained. "When you do, I will promise you that I will have an ould f rind and mimber of the Club de- liver us a talk at one of our meetings on the money question. His name is Barney Mulligan. He is a far-down north of Ireland linen peddler. So was his father and grandfather before him. They're the closest bargain makers in the world. He an' they traveled all over Ireland, England, Scotland, and Wales with the pack; they beat the world on thrift. The Cyrene ped- dler, the peddler from Cairo or India, or the Hebrew from Palestine is as much in dread of one of thim as is a rat of a ferret. Whiniver one of these other peddlers mentioned finds one of the far down linen peddlers in a townland, 90 MCKJENNA'S STORIES they quit the town immediately. Well, this Barney Mulligan that 1 am going to have talk to you on the money question knows all about the money, an' how to get it an' how to keep it. They say that in his young days he'd dive in the ocean for a sovereign, an' he's got part of the first pound he ever earned. Well, sir, after his travels he finally wound up in Glasgow, Scotland, where he married a Scotch lassie ; and as Barney O'Flynn says 'it was thrift joining thrift. ' A far-down married to a Scotch lassie, ' says ould Dougherty; 'an' the country is gone to the dogs.' (No, Mulligan is not left handed he's one of us.) "W^ell, sir, he started a bank in Glasgow, one of thim banks that never fails one with the three ball sign, where you would have to give up your right eye to get a loan of any sum over the dollar. He did all the business, until a Scotch syndicate had to buy him out to get rid of him. Then he landed in the Bowery, New York, where he began the same business an' did all the business, when again a syndicate of the 'chosen people' bought him out. Signs on him, he has got the money. Now he spends his time clipping coupons and lookin' for cool spots on hot days, and warm spots on cold days. " 'Tis said of him that the ould father left an injunction upon him before his death, com- manded Barney to keep the Mulligans away from the shovel, an' he's kept the injunction. You would have as hard a task to put the shovel RYAN IN TROUBLE 91 in the hands of a Mulligan as you would to put a breech cloth over the limbs of a Semolian Indian. Every one of the Mulligans has an M. D. or a B. A. before or after their name- but there are no shovels where the Mulligans are an' they have the house full of the Mulli- gans. "When ould Mulligan brags an' that's sel- domhe says that if there are Scotch-Irish in Donegal, thin they're Irish-Scotch in Glasgow and plenty of thim, and there it is for you. "Ye know what is meant by the Scotch-Irish and the Irish-Scotch. It's the same as the risin' gineration here. For instance, the German- American; the Irish- American, etc. Their par- ents are what they are, but just because the youngsters were born in a different climate, they put the handle before the race. But that's all in your eye. They all got the hyphen (I think I have one myself, for when anyone says anything against Ireland, it jumps here on my right side. Ye 're laughin', but I tell ye they have thim. Some slightly, but mention any- thing against the country they or their parents came from, an ' you will soon see the hyphen be- gin to move, and as Dinny McManus, the South Boston boy doctor of the 41st Precinct said, he'd like to have the job of operating for the hyphen, for it's as big in some of thim as is the thrunk of a circus elephant. "Now, McKenna, I will finish with this; I overheard a conversation between three 92 McKENNA's STOBIES scrawny dudes last election day in one of the hotels down town; an' this was the drift of the conversation : One asked the other as to whether he voted. 'Well,' said he in his reply, 'whin I went to the polling place and looked at the bal- lot with all the foreign names on it, said he, 'whin they put them kind of cattle on the ticket I'll stop votin'. ' I have been thinkin' it over ever since, but today in lookin' over the names of the draft list, my eyes were opened I saw the light. I wish wherever those three scrawny dudes are today they will look that list over from anny where in Cook County, includin' Oak Park, Evanston and Highland Park. If it were not for thim foreign names tell me where you'd get your min from. Thim boys, as they go off with their gun, will still retain thim good ould names they have. An ' the gineration after thim will still have thim. So I hope thim three scrawny dudes the next time they go to the poll- in' place to vote will look for qualification in- stead of names. BARNEY MULLIGAN THE FAR-DOWN LINEN PEDDLER ON THE MONEY QUESTION. ' ' Troth and indeed I would not be talkin ' here today if it were not for my ould friend, Nicho- las Ryan, your statistician. Nick said he pledg- ed his word. "Well, I always have said there are a few things a man should not carelessly part with one of them is his word and the other his money ; and the next is the friendship of the ould woman and the mother. An' I'm tellin' ye, they are the best frinds a man has on this earth, and that goes whether you're in jail or out of it. "Now, I am not much given to talk, for I be- lieve as ould Dean Swift did, that there is no teacher but Time that will convince. An' from lookin' over some of ye, the Lord has given ye time enough to be convinced of everything con- cerning the things here below. "There's a lot of ye, that I see here before me, that are somewhat religiously inclined, but 94 MCKENNA'S STORIES from the way ye so aisly separate yourselves from yer money, ye'd think it was a plague sint to you instead of a blessing. "Now, I always had this thought in mind, that if your Government would change the stamp they have on the dollar or the bill to read, 'When ye 're carelessly partin' with me, you are separatin yourselves from your best f rind ; it might have a tindincy to make ye stop and think before you let it go. But Barney O'Flynn says ye can't take it with ye to the grave; but, 'Barney,' says I, 'nayther can ye tell how long ye have to stop here. ' That kind of talk is all right if you were to be sure of dy- ing young. But that's the rub! "For whin you live a few years beyond the usual time, and ye 're without the money, ye '11 find ye 're always talkin' to strangers. "Yes, says Barney, answerin', 'but they say it is as hard for a rich man to go to heaven as it is for the camel to go through the eye of the needle. ' ' That, Barney, is figuratively speakin', says I, for it's just as aisy for some min to be rich as it is for others to be broke, and we know min that are broke, and from the way they carried on and so carelessly separated thim- selves from their money, they surely should have no credit mark for it. "That needle and camel story is good enough to tell at a wake. "Now, I don't see why Ryan was set on my talkin' to ye on the money question, for there's 95 many of ye that say that I am a tight wad. But I say ye 're mistaken, for I believe that in wantin' for anything that will be to your good, when ye have the price, is as foolhardy as care- lessly partin' with your dollar for the things that you are not in need of. "Now, there's lots of fun about the money, as well as there is trouble. Ould Martin Devlin came to me one day to buy a lot. 'Well,' said I, 'Devlin, come in. Have you anyone with you?' said I. 'Well, sir,' says Devlin in his jokin' way, ' I have, ' says he, ' two of the best friends T ever had, and I 'm between them both. ' Devlin, ' says I, 'you're dreamin' or your drunk.' ' ' ' No, ' says he, ' I am nayther. ' And says he, 'Here they are.' Thrusting his right hand into the pouch of the trousers and pullin' up a roll of one thousand dollars, and thin down in the left pouch with the left, and comin' up with an- other roll of a thousand ; ' there they are, ' says he ; 'the best f rinds a man ever had,' an' I want the lot I was talkin ' to ye about and there 'tis til ye. "Now, there's no isms in me and I know most of ye have lived as long as I have, and the divil a thing have we ever seen comin' that would be worth the takin' that was brought about by idle dreamy talk or blarney. Under such a plan of Government as ye have got, if ye managed it so there would be just plain justice for every one alike; divil a thing more could any honest man ask for. And all the soft talk ye hear from per- sons that have day dreams as to how a condition 96 MCKENNA'S STORIES could be brought about through resolutions or laws so that the people could get something of value for nothing, is but another one of thim kind of stories that ye hear at a wake. An' if ye noticed the fellow that can picture one of thim kind of tales, so's to make thim look as though they might be cashed, you'll find that fellow is always broke. Thim kind of fellows are gifted; they can regulate an' tell how to manage other persons' business, and as to how the government should be conducted; but they are so busy lookin' after other persons' busi- ness they can find no time to make a success of their own. I don't know what kind of isms thim kind of fellows belong to; but when we can look back over that long road of cinturies that the world has passed, and when they can't show a spot or place on the road where a tale like they ad- vocate was ever cashed, I may well say that kind of talk is all good enough to entertain the young folks with, but us ould fellows pay little heed to it. "Now, before I go anny further, let me tell ye a story Barney O'Flynn tells of what a man gets for nothing. There's a chap that Barney knows, that's very shiftless never works while he can borrow a dollar. And how to invint a story to get the dollar without the work, he has his brains as racked as the president of a MULLIGAN "Ox THE MONEY" 97 bank, figuring on how to keep his depositors from overborrowing. "One day this fellow met a man that he thought looked as aisy as a clergyman, and he begun to unfold his tale of woe to this man. The tale was, that he'd worked for a contractor at Hegewisch, and that he was coming to the city to get his week's pay. The contractor, said he, was just after being run down by an auto and taken home. 'Now, says he, I have no money to pay my way back to Hegewisch to my family.' " 'Well, well, well,' said this aisy lookin' gintleman, 'that's too bad. Come up,' says he, 'to the office with me, and repeat that story.' He walked him up seven flights of stairs to the office, then after repeatin' the story, the aisy lookin' man said to him again, 'That's too bad, too bad! But I wish you all the good luck in the world, and I'm sorry for you. An' my blessing go with ye ; but my blessing is all that I can give ye.' " 'My God,' says Barney's shiftless frind. 'Why in the divil didn't ye give me that blessing below on the sidewalk?' And there 'tis til ye, and that's about what any one gets for nothin'. "Now, thin, for another story of Barney's on the Friendship question. Barney got stuck on a horse trade. What vexed Barney, was, that there was standing by an ould acquaintance of his. Barney, in tellin' his troubles to Casey, the blacksmith, related the transaction, and, said he, 'what makes me sore is that ould Fitz 98 MCKENNA'S STORIES the tailor, a friend of mine, was standin' by, and never as much as give me the hint.' 'You say ould Fitz was a friend of yours 1' says Casey, the blacksmith. 'Well, Barney, I sup- pose if I was standin' there at the time, you'd say that I was a frind of yours, too. Now, let me tell ye something, Barney. The Dutchman, your neighbor, sinds his horse to me to be shod. You and I are ould townies. Divil a think you 'd do of sindin' your horse to my shop. Now, Bar- ney,' says he, 'let me tell you something. Whin- iver you say a man is a friend of yours, just ask yourself what did you ever do for him that makes you think he is a friend of yours and there ye have it.' "So ye can see ye get neither money, nor friendship without value received. "Now, thin, to finish on the money question, and, as Nicholas Ryan says, it's a mean thing that you can't find a kind word for, if you don't care what you're sayin'. Now, ye might be that scrawny that even the dogs would not think it worth their while to bark at ye. But, if ye have the money, thim that wouldn't spit on ye while you are alive ye can hire thim to pluck roses and thrim the grass on your grave and say kind words of ye when you're gone. And if you were to be in as bad a predicament as they tell of ould Lazarus of ould, where none but the dogs would attind him, if ye have the money, ye can git the highest scientific at- tindance, with the compliments of the season from every one. Ye can scowl at this, but there 'tis til ye.'" ' j*3 ,'s\^*- i ' w - ~". * " RYAN INDUCES MULLIGAN TO CONTINUE HIS DISCOURSE ON THE MONEY QUES- TION. Ryan has induced Barney Mulligan to con- tinue his money discourse before the Sun Wor- shipers' Club of McKinley Park. " 'Well,' said Mulligan, 'the next time Ryan pledges his word, I hope it will be for some- thing better than to hear me talk to ye on the money question.' ' ' Now, money is all right, but if ye give it to a fool he will make thistles grow where roses only ought to bloom. This ould McKinley Park is a fine sample of what money well spent will do. Dougherty says he remembers it when it was a race track. Well, if it was, when I first see it, it was an ould eighty acre lot of a cab- bage garden; and in the fall when the cabbage stumps were decaying, it was no geranium. Now look at it it's like the story of the Gar- den of Allah. One of the blessin's of your plan of government for public ownership of places 100 McKENNA's STORIES of amusement for the young and ould. Things done for the people like this is what makes 1'yal citizens and love for your plan of govern- ment. "Ould Carnagy and Rockyfeller spent a lot of money in the way of education; some of it may be good and some of it may be not only time will tell. I was thinkin' of this in my trav- els up through the Eastern and New England states. In lookin' over the farms there, I no- ticed a great change in the population. Once there lived on thim farms as great an ould race of people as ever lived. They worked hard and managed well. It was their influence that helped to perfect this plan of government, and as good people ought to, they tried to pro- vide for the future welfare of their children. Their descindents' influence is much needed to keep the sentimint for which this plan of gov- ernment was intended. But with all the money spent by ould Rocky- fellr and Carnagy, and others, on the higher education, as they call it, they have educated all the young min and women away from the farms. The b'ys learned more how to manage and care for the farms than any other boys in the world, and are doin' less of it than any other boys in the world. And so it is true of the girls; they have learned more how to care for the children and manage them than any other girls in the world, and have less of them and there you have it. The higher education MULLIGAN STILL, TALKING 101 and one night on the Great White Way takes all your taste away from the farm. "But, as Lena Schultz says, as she view the goin's on in the cabarets on the Great White Way, 'I may never get to where they are,' said she; 'but there's a lot of thim that I see will be back where I am on the farm.' "Well, with the great size of your country, and the spread of the population and its devel- opment, what do we find? Every one headin' for the big cities ; there 's where the greatgrand- sons and daughters of the descendants of the ould New England farms are to be found, some engaged as separaters, promoters, and mana- gers of the big financial institutions and stock markets. Very few of their names are above the doors of the smaller business ; but sorry it is to say the greater number of them are in harness, both min and women in the offices of the big concerns, adding up figures, chasing the adding machine and tickling the type machine, with the time clock starin' thim in the face always. And the pay that they get and the high cost of rint, the smallness of the flat rooms and the flat restrictions, all go to help Ryan prove with his statistics that the race is on the decline. And in your travels around the city flat buildings, you will hear more of the songs of the canary, the squeak of the parrot and the bark of the poodle than you will of the sweet cry of the baby boys or girls, and there 'tis till ye. And if that thing keeps up, an' it's goin' 102 McKENNA's STORIES fast, some of the races that first settled in this country and helped to make it, and are now most needed to help continue it, will be as scarce as is the American Buffalo or Indian; Ryan with his statistics proves this. "They tell a story that things were going along on these lines once in Ireland well, Dan- iel 'Connell did so many wonderful things, he was like our Teddy when he said things, he made them look up whether they liked it or not. I often thought Teddy and 'Connell was of the same mind on some things, for if you remim- ber when Teddy was President, he didn't over- look this important fact, and the man with the long family was always welcome where Teddy was; and especially one with a good ould Yan- kee name. Well, as I say, at the time, the Irish would not be surprised to learn of anything 'Connell might do. Signs on it, some laddie buck composed a ballad showin' where 'Con- nell had invinted a machine that would make children by steam, an' it began to be sung about the country places. Well, an ould Irish woman that heard it, became very vexed, an ' she added to the verses : " 'I am an ould woman of three score and twenty ; Not a tooth in my head is there to be seen. ' "Well, ye Irish know the balance of it. Divil the further word was necessary ; the population of Ireland so increased in the next ten years that they had to emigrate all over the world to MULLIGAN STILL TALKING 103 find room for them. Now, if some one could compose a ballad that would go with Teddy's advice, why couldn't the same thing be done here? "We can't afford to let this race die out; and I might add some of the young risin' gen- eration of the Irish here might begin rehearsin' that ould ballad, for they're slippin' fast. "Education is all right. Ryan is as full of it as is a pumpkin full of seeds. But he is so busy after it that he lets the money get by him. Old Martin Killroy, a towney of Ryan's came to this country about the same time Ryan did. Ould Killroy started in peddling and buying potatoes and cow jobbin'. He can tell the weight of a cow and the amount of milk that she'll give a block away. He's got all kinds of money and flat buildings, and divil the further he ever went with his pen than to make his cross. An' he can do that as scientifically as Michael Angelo could paint a picture; but the cross is as far as he ever got in penmanship. "Now, Ryan, with all his education, when he was buying a cow or storin' up his potatoes for the winter, had to go to ould Killroy for advice. There 'tis till ye, statistics against the bucksaw cross. Education is something that you learn that is worth while and that you can make a success of. Billy Sunday makes Religion pay now that's education for him! Any vocation that you're at that you are doing well that's your job. So be continted, for the kind of a person that is doin' well in any work, trade or business, and is always discontinted with things 104 MCKENNA'S STORIES and talks of doing something else he's always a failure. "Now, I will say a word to ye on the Irish question there is so much being said about it. Now, there are some deeds that have been done that you can't recall, and the same is true with words expressed. When Christ said, 'Ye that are not guilty cast the first stone.' These words have kept many a stone in its place on the stone pile. When Robert Emmet said, 'Let not my epitaph be written until my country takes her place among the nations of the earth, ' there's the monkey wrench in the machinery that keeps the Irish question alive. The Irish people are not mechanically made, they don't all think alike, any more than any other intelli- gent race. But whatever way they do think, they ain't afraid to tell it. And it don't make any difference what way they view the religious question, whether they're with the Pope or against him; whenever they stand up to fight for any cause they think is right, whether in parliament or on the battle field, you don't have to put signs on them to let the passers by know what race of men they are their actions speak louder than words or sisrns. But I'm tellin' ye, and I have traveled all over England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales and most of the United States, that 65 per cent of the Irish men. women and children, not only in Ireland, but everywhere I find them have that sentiment of Emmett livin' inside of them. All yer talk and all yer resolutions and conventions in the world MULLIGAN STILL TALKING 105 wouldn't change that sentiment, or settle the Irish question until whatever time Emmett's epitaph will be written. "It's not a relligious question it's not a Catholic question, for them sentiments of Em- mett was spoken by a Protestant; and ye know how hard it would be to change the Catholic of Ireland on the religious views. Well, sir, all the Catholic priests in the world couldn't change that 65 per cent of the Irish from Em- mett's sentiments; and there's twenty per cent more of them, if you vex them, are just of the same frame of mind. "And my experience is of lay people that have idle time enough to waste on religious sub- jects, generally know as much about it as my ould friend Killroy does about penmanship. It's not hatred against the English people, but those of the Irish that have these sintiments in them would sooner live and die in want than forsake these sentiments of Emmett's; and the people of the Irish race all over the world that have these sentiments will never rebel against England, to become the dependents of any other nation, and England knows that well. But wherever a chance presents itself where there is a hope to write Emmett's epitaph they'll be there. There's the question there for ye now, as good as if you read ten volumes of Ryan's statistics tryin' to explain it. There is but one way, and the Government knows it well', and it's a waste of time to try any other solution. 106 MCKENNA'S STORIES LAMENTATIONS OF THE PESSIMIST MEMBERS OF THE FIFTH WARD REPUBLICAN CLUB. We've heard preachers preaching, We've heard teachers teaching, Politicians we've heard screeching Tears seemed to drop with every word they said. Of our ills they seem to worry, And pretended in a hurry To bring about conditions, as they said, That would keep the rich and poor From all future troubles sure; But when the day would come They never said. To us that sounds like bunk, So just 'hand us down a chunk Of something while we're living, as 'tis said; For when we're down below the clover All our wants will then be over. Give us something while we're living. We'll be a long time dead. John J. McKenna. THE EAGLE SOCIETY'S PICNIC HAS IT'S EFFECT ON MC'S ORATORS. HE TELLS HIS OWN STORY. I am stalled. The Eagle Society of Brighton gave a picnic this week; they appointed a com- mittee on entertainment, consisting of all the leading buffet owners of Brighton to do the job. Now, whether they did it intentionally or not, I don't know, but there will be no meeting of the Sun Worshipers' Club this week; and my Barneys, old Dougherty, Devlin, McManus, Pat Price, and all the others were taken away with the Eagles in their flight to some picnic ground, somewhere between the Willow Springs and the town of Lemont. Whether the country air or something else disturbed their digestion, I don't know; but none of them has shown up since they left the Brighton on the auto truck for the Eagles' picnic. Nicholas Ryan, the statistician, is the only total abstainer I have in the bunch. Ryan says he is not a prohibitionist, but he is so busy on statistics that he has no time for the drink- Ryan is here now and he tells me that he saw them off; "they were all in high glee," said he, as they left. But when I looked at that enter- 108 MCKENNA'S STORIES tainment committee and saw the auto truck, with its commissary department, and the load that was on it, I pointed to it and said to the two Barneys, "I see your finish there." 11 They 're gone off in high glee," says Ryan, "but they'll come back holding up their con- science, and it will take the ould woman two weeks feeding them on beef tea and sedlitz powders to revive them. ' ' I am no prohibition- ist, and don 't care if a man takes a drink, if he knows how to take it. But there are many of thim that whin they do take a drink, they take a camel's feed. Then they're sick from it and while they're sick, if they had a chance to vote on the question they'd stop the manufacture and sale of liquor and privint every other per- son that could enjoy a sup from having it. And thim same buckos, just as soon as they recover from its effects, they would vote again for it and cry out for personal liberty. There is a lot of thim that I know that are always sick for it or from it so there you are," says Ryan. The stories that I have been telling you are tales such as are told at wakes and are linked together where they fit in to make a short story to interest persons who have attended wakes, and who know how many wonderful tales are told concerning everything that has ever hap- pened in any part of the world, either real or imaginary; and this is especially so of a good old-fashioned wake, where, as Ryan says, "a THE EAGLE PICNIC 109 little sup is supplied to keep the mourners and friends awake while they attind the wake. ' ' Now, then, for a little political tale or two. Every one that is on to the political game knows that it is a business as well managed as is any other business, and it doesn't grow on bushes. Its plans are well thought out by men visible and invisible, who know how to do things and manage all kinds of business. For you know that in order for all kinds of business to suc- ceed, the government part must first be safe, and don't think that this is ever overlooked. Political organizations, from top to bottom, from the Chairman of the National Committee or Managing Body, down to the precinct cap- tain, is the highest efficient organization in the country. This goes for both the principal or- ganizations of the country. They have more close at hand information concerning everybody and everybody's busi- ness, customs, habits, likes, dislikes and preju- dices than any organization in the country. That's their business. Police departments, de- tective agencies, or any other source of organi- zation have not nor can they get in so close a touch with the people as a political organiza- tion. Talk about efficiency in organization ; the old- fashioned precinct captain knew and watched 365 days of the year, every person in his pre- cinct, knew with whom he banked; whether he needed money; knew where he borrowed; and 110 MCKENNA'S STORIES knew who held the mortgage; knew where he was employed and by whom, and how he could be reached if it became necessary. Not a point was overlooked. He knew every one in his pre- cinct that was a natural born Democrat or Re- publican; he knew the one that did not need watching or time to be spent working on. But here's the joke; and the point I want to explain : there is never a political meeting held or called for in any place under the call of the party organization but that everything of im- portance to be done is well in hand, and the most times the meetings are but matters of form. At all such meetings 85 per cent of those who attend are in perfect accord with orders as they come down from headquarters (ex- cept) and here is the great cause of fun The fellow who reads the circular and never reads between the lines, be it for a regular meeting or a mass meeting, it is all the same ; the meet- ing is to carry out some order in which they are all interested. It's mechanical to the 85 per cent, and they want to execute the order as quickly as possible in order to get back to their game of 66, penochle, or something else. But the friend of the people and old Mr. Enquiry come into the meeting. They think that the others are there, like themselves, to find fault and show their ability as parliamentarians, etc. Well, the first thing they observe the meeting goes on without much attention to Roberts' Rules of Order; then come the questions from THE EAGLE PICNIC 111 Mr. Friend of the people and old Mr. Enquiry on points of order, questions of information; very high words concerning the Constitution of the Country ; the rights of an American citizen, and the cry of "gag rule," "machines," etc. This all comes from the fact that old Mr. Friend of the people and old Mr. Enquiry and their parliamentarian friends are not on to the political game; and it is as hard for them to get in right, as Ryan says it is to get the privi- lege of riding the goat at a Masonic lodge. But this dear old Friend of the People and old Mr. Enquiry never get on. In every community they go to the same gag rule as they think prevails, and they never get it through their heads that it is a political organization where everything is prearranged and planned. Politi- cians are taking no chances ; but the Friend of the People and old Mr. Enquiry never see the point, and they are always making enemies, and they don't know why and they never will. On the North Side, where John Dougherty's rules of order were substituted for Roberts' rules, at a meeting called for on a very hot night ; a meeting ordered from headquarters to select delegates, the perspiration was just run- ning down the foreheads of the people. * * Quick job," said they all, "and let's get out." Now this was one of them kind of meetings where 97 per cent of the audience were regu- lars ; about 3 per cent strangers, together with the Friend of the People and old Mr. Enquiry. 112 MCKENNA'S STORIES Well, Koberts' Rules were discarded; John Dougherty 's Rules were working and to the sat- isfaction of the organization. It was quick work, but to the surprise of everybody the Old Friend of the People, seconded by old Mr. En- quiry, commenced on his point of order and question of information. Well, the result was that a few of the friends of the people were bodily thrown through the back window, taking with them sash and blinds down into the alley. " There," said Dougherty, as he saw them go- ing through the window, "your point is well directed." Don't stop them," said Tony Lynch; it's the first thing I've seen going down since the war began. ' ' Here is another story of a meeting where a well known West Side politician presided. He was afraid of no one ; a good emergency chair- man ; came from a sick bed to preside, to insure harmony. Delegates were to be selected. He had the reputation of discarding Roberts' Rules of Order and using Murphy's Rules of Order. As a gavel, he used a large beer mallet, and never wasted time on but the one side of a ques- tion. If he was in favor of it, he would put the question: "All in favor, say Aye," and down came the gavel fast and hard, at the same time saying, "The ayes seem to have it." And so, on subjects he did not favor, he always put the question, "All opposed to this motion say THE EAGLE PICNIC 113 Aye." And down came the gavel quick and hard with the same "the ayes seem to have it." Now, this ruling was just right for the regu- larsthere being no romance' in a political meeting for them. Well, this meeting was about 97 per cent all one way, and it was a very hot night, a small hall, and 'twas no picnic to be in there any longer than necessary. To the surprise of every one, a few of the Friends of the People in the back of the hall be- gan on points of order and points of informa- tion, and "Mr. Chairman, I have a resolution to present." This was annoying to the Chair and every one else, except the few. But old Mr. Enquiry kept continuously insisting upon pre- senting his resolution. Well, when all the im- portant business was completed, the Chair said, "Will the gentleman with the resolution please step up to the platform with his resolution?" Then the Chair stepped forward and took the resolution. He said to the Friend of the Peo- ple, "I left a sick bed to preside at t^is meeting 1 . You just worried every one to death with your resolutions and points of information and points of order, so just take this Hitting him on the head with the beer mallet go now, sit down, and content yourself. ' ' But he didn 't ; the mallet had put him to sleep; he had to be carried out to the corner saloon and given a sup to revive him. But as he was going, Ryan said, "Murphys Rules of Order are still working." The moral of this whole thing is, that if you are not a party to and interested in either of 114 MCKENNA'S STORIES the political organizations, don't think that you just dropped into a chance public meeting, for you '11 find that every thing has been well prear- ranged, and that abusing the Rules of Order and the management is not going to get you anything of value. For, as Ryan says, "it is better and safer for you to be home with the ould woman, enjoying a pint of beer, than it is to be arguing with Murphy on a 'pint' of or- der." RYAN ON PRESS AND POLITICS. "Well, McKenna," said Ryan, "I am right for once. I told you whin I saw your orators off on that auto truck for the Eagles picnic, with that load of wet goods they had in the com- missary department. Whin I saw that and the entertainment committee, said I to the two Bar- neys, 'There's your finish' and so it was. If you had got thim the night of the picnic, when the angel's food as the committee called it was working in thim, ye could have got speeches galore from thim on any subject. But since the 'angel's food' died out, divil a whimper ye can get from any of thim. And until such time as they recover from the effect of the 'angel's food' ye '11 not get their thoughts away from ice water long enough to think of anything worth the hearing. And, as Barney Mulligan says, ' there 'tis til ye. ' "Well McKenna, ye can talk as ye may about political organization, but let me tell ye, if ye haven't got the tide of public opinion comin' your way, your greatest organization will avail ye nothing, for I have seen and I have sta- 116 MCKENNA'S STORIES tistics to show, that as great a political organi- zation as ever existed, whin workin' against public opinion, blew up over night. "I have seen it when the tide of public opin- ion was favorable at some of the elections, whin we had to go to the police station to get the as- sistance of the police to keep thim from over- crowding the hall; and I have seen it whin we were working against the tide of public opin- ion with the greatest organization that could be perfected, and with the funds to back it up. We might shoot off all the fireworks in town and have the bands playing, give them cabaret shows and free drinks, and yet the divil the one outside of a regular would come to the meeting. "And, as Barney O'Flynn says, 'it's as hard to carry on a political organization without the aid of the press, as it is to run his old Ford with water in the carbureter. The press has become a wonderful institution. It is not that which is really transpiring that makes it won- derful, but it's the things that the press edu- cates the people to believe, are going on. If the press says your doin' well, everybody says so and thinks so. But when the press doesn't men- tion your good deeds at all, but shows up only your mistakes an, as Barney says, 'with the best of us, they're many thin, says he, 'what's the use of your organization and the good work it's doin', for, like the man with his religion in his wife's name, the divil the wan outside of himself and the wife knows anything about it.' PBESS AND POLITICS 117 And, as Barney says, 'to show you the wonder- ful power of the press of today, it works,' says he, 'like Mrs. Eddy's Christian Science plan,' and I say it's not what things are, but what your mind's educated up to believe they are. For, as Barney O'Flynn says, 'if you are sick and your mind is educated to believe you are well, how do you know that you are sick ! ' And now, here is an example for you : "I met seven of the Sun Worshipers' Club going down the street one fine day. They all had up their umbrellas as they were passing me by. When I at last stopped two of thim, said I to thim, 'why all this umbrella business today? "Tis nayther too warm, nor is it rain- in',' says I. " 'You are mistaken,' said the two, ' 'tis pour- ing down rain!' " 'You're crazy, man,' says I. " 'We are not,' says they; 'we both read it in the paper before we left the house.' " 'Well,' said I, 'put your hand from be- neath your umbrella and feel for yourself.' " 'Begorra,' says one of thim to the other, 'he is right it's not raining a dhrop. " 'Well, what do ye think of that? And we read it in the paper before leaving the house that it was pouring down, and that it would continue to do so all day. Well, well, do ye mind that.' "But what was the good of all this? The other five went ahead with their umbrellas up. 118 MCKENNA'S STORIES and the divil a one could convince thim, after what they read in the paper, but that it was raining, and that it would continue that way all day. And, ye see, there was the tide of public opinon, and that's just thrue with the work of your organization; ye reach about two out of sivin, an' ye work overtime doin' it. Where, if ye had the co-operation of the press, ye might sleep in bed until 10 A. M. and git results. With- out the press you're doin' overtime, and nine times out of tin, your work is all in vain. Ye may beat it once in a while, as there are excep- tions to every rule. But with my statistics," said Ryan, "I can show you your finish you and your organization, without the assistance of the press. "Now, thin, for a story, and I will finish," says Ryan. And this is the story that is fa- miliar to all politicians, and it has happened and will happen again in most any community. Now, here it is : ' ' This man I am going to tell you of is Charlie Whiteside. He is developing a bee in his bon- net to become a member of the Legislature. So for the year he and the wife are seen at all the tay parties, church affairs, and social functions in the community. Well, the end of it all, he and the wife have whispered to all his friends of his intention, and have asked thim for their support. "But no matter how hard you labor, and all the things else you do, you are likely to have PRESS AND POLITICS 119 opposition, and in this case it's no exception. Now, thin, for a public meeting to launch his candidacy. Well, this the practical politician in his immediate neighborhood agrees to man- age for him. The night comes; bills are dis- tributed, calling for the mass meeting. Now, everything is prearranged and planned as they think. Now for a quick job, says the poli- tician. The meeting is well attended about 200 prisint. It is safe to say, with Charlie's wife's relations and f rinds, 98 per cint of all prisint are personally invited frinds the other 2 per cint being just a few strangers who read the dodgers announcing the meetin', and which read, ' all are invited. ' "But as few as they are, some of thim are of an inquisitive turn of the mind, and there's al- ways some laddybuck prisint from the opposite side in all political meetings, rubbering and waiting, wishing and looking for some bad news. Now, one of Charlie 's friends, who is appointed for the purpose, arises and moves that Sam Snow be the temporary chairman of the meet- ing. The motion prevails. Sam calls the meet- ing to order and calls for a secretary; another prearranged person is selected as Secretary; without much ado for any of Roberts ' Rules of Order; when suddenly, from somewhere in the back of the hall is heard the cry, 'Mr. Chair- man.' ''Then says the Enquirer, 'Are you not con- ducting this meeting under a somewhat kind of 120 MCKENNA'S STORIES gag rule?' Now every one is excited; every- body is supposed to be Charlie's friend and such a question to be asked ! " 'Well,' said another one of the strangers, 'are there not other persons that might be can- didates if they had an opportunity ? What kind of a one man's meeting is this, anyhow?' Now the women folks are excited. Well, Charlie is hurriedly brought forth, and commences his ad- dress. "During his remarks the laddybuck from the opposition jumps up and asks Charlie 'How about the Widow Brown's children?' Charlie is stung, but replies, 'well, what about them?' " 'Well, that's what we want to know,' says the laddybuck. This is more than Charlie's en- thusiastic friends can stand. And, with a punch, down goes the laddybuck that made the inquiry. Out and down the front stairs he goes, with several of Charlie 's friends punching and kicking him. "Now, it's all excitement; the job is finished. The meeting adjourns, with everybody's mind on the Widow Brown's children; nobody seems to know them. The next day the papers report a disorderly meeting, where Charlie Whiteside was proposed as a candidate for the Legisla- ture, and that questions were asked at the meet- ing concerning the Widow Brown's children, which caused a fight. "Well, you see, the Widow Brown's children was the word that caught the tide of public PRESS AND POLITICS 121 opinion, and the press report did the balance. Now, Charlie had 98 per cent of his personal friends at the meeting ; but if he did, there were several thousand persons in his district who had never heard of Charlie. But now they all heard of the fight at the meeting, and of the Widow Bown's children. At the primary elec- tion Charlie is snowed under. And on this night everybody is inquiring about 'the Widow Brown's children'; they'll never be found, but Charlie is defeated. For the balance of his days Charlie will be kept busy explaining away the story of the Widow Brown and her children. He can never do this, for the reason there is no such widow or children in his district. ' ' The moral: "The right word at the right time to get the tide of public opinion, then the aid of the press." This makes it aisy sailing for the organization and the politician. ' And without this, as Barney Mulligan says, "you had better stick to some other business." 122 MCKENNA'S STOKIES All the world is after money, What's the use! The way the Lord had made us What's the use! One poor stomach and one poor brain To go against tlie money game, So what's the use! Think of money stacked mountains high, And then to think how soon we die, So what's the use! Think with money what you could buy, So what's the use! Think of Solomon of old, if the story's true And Brigham Young and what they had to do, Then what's the use! Man was made for pleasures few, Laws have been made to stop them too, So what's the use! We think that we will quit the chase; Let some other sucker set the pace For in the end we all reach the same old place. So what's the use! John J. McKenna. PAT PRICE AND BARNEY O'FLYNN ON THE GOOD OLD DAYS IN POLITICS. "Well, Price," says Barney O'Flynn, "I am glad the park season is over. My old friend Nicholas Ryan is as full of statistics as a bal- loon is full of gas. If statistics were conclusive proof, then Ryan would shut off all arguments. For he is there with his documentary evidence, as he calls it, on every subject, but still he does not convince. We don't all see through the same glass, and there is the rub. "Now, for instance, for /the one-half of thim that vote the Democratic Ticket and the one- half of thim that vote the Republican Ticket, all the statistics and all the speech-making in the world wouldn 't change their way of thinkin ' and votin'. It's born in thim and they're proud of it and are contented. And to present argu- ment or statistics to them, only makes them the more steadfast in what they are. Men may go wrong, say they, but our party never. They are the kind you call the black Republicans and Copperhead Democrats. Now, I told Ryan, if he wants to know when those fellows are going 124 McKENNA's STORIES to quit votin' their party ticket, he will have to go to the graveyard for his statistics. And there ye have it. "Says Ryan, 'is this not ignorance?' No, says I. It's a gift just the same as singing is. And you with your pessimistic, two and two make four statistics, who is never satisfied, and who has never a certainty in anything, don't know anything of this gift. Says I to him, your old brain is on a swivel, like the weather cock, and you have no fixed opinon on anything. He lays awake nights wishing for the bad to come, that might change his mind tomorrow from what it is today. "Well, sir, Price, there's not much life in the Primaries of today as compared with thim of the past. I am reminded of one of thim old-fashioned Primary Elections whin there were no saloon restrictions. The Polls open from 1 P. M. to 7 P. M. and every minute was one of excitement. Those were the good old days. It was worth while having a vote in thim days. From the time you left your home until you reached the Polling Place, every political worker you met shook your hand and invited you to have a smile with him. Well, sir, if you had a heart in you at all, by the time you reached the Polling Place your heart would be in the right place. Nowa- days in goin' to vote, the divil the politician pays any heed to ye, and with all the saloons closed as tight as Barney Mulligan's purse, GOOD OULD DAYS IN POLITICS 125 everything looks more like a funeral than a Primary Election. And, whin you get to the Polls you have to declare aloud as you take the ballot publicly into your hands, the party you are goin' 'to affiliate with', as the Dutch Barber calls it. In the ould days you took your sup and the ticket from each Faction as you passed them by, and you had your own little ballot, that you were goin' to vote, tucked away in your vest pocket, ready to slip it in whin you got to the Polling Place. You kept thim all guessing as to how you voted, but that's a thing of the past. Now, the politician knows you a block away. You are on the books, tabbed, either as a Democrat or a Republican, or whatever else ye are, and the divil the much time or friend- ship are they wastin' on ye. ' Politics has gone to the divil,' says Dwyer. "Well, at this ould-fashioned Primary I am tellin' you about, everything went, as the ould sayin' is, 'When Greeks meet Greeks, then comes the tug of war.' At this Primary, war started at 1 P. M. and ended at 7 P. M. and then some. The Polling Place was located at 38th street and Archer avenue. The patrol wagon was kept on the go all the time ; the voting area being Bloomington on the west, for the conven- ience of the Chicago & Alton railroad workmen ; State street on the east, 47th street on the south and the black road on the north. More Repub- lican votes were polled that day, in that one Primary Election district, than lived in the then 126 MCKENNA'S STORIES 28th Ward altogether. Everybody got whipped that day, including the police force. To help the good cause along, about 200 of what they called Tom Carry's Indians paid us a visit from the Reservation over on 47th street. They not only voted, but whipped every one that they thought did not look just right to them. They came to help; their intentions were good, but, as they said, 'they were not mind readers', and hence many a right guy got a black eye, through being misjudged. The end of it all, one of the workers at the polls assaulted the sergeant of police. He was immediately arrested, but soon bailed out. It looked like a sure case of a heavy fine. McKenna remembered the fact that the primary worker had a cork leg. He advised the worker to leave the cork leg at home and come to court on crutches. McKenna went to his friend Judge Edw. Glennon, who was the judge at the Thirty-fifth Street Police Station, and told him the true story. Said McKenna to the judge, 'We are broke after the expense of the Primary Election and cannot stand for a fine, and I've come to ask you to help us.' Well Sir, Price, the judge did a good job. The judge looked solemn as the case was called. 'WTiat's the charge in this case?' asked the judge. 'As- sault,' answered the sergeant of police, as he pointed to his black eye as evidence. The judge again looked solemn. 'Did the prisoner strike you with his crutch?' 'No,' answered the of- ficer, 'he struck me with his fist.' The judge: GOOD OULD DAYS IN POLITICS 127 'Do you mean to say that this cripple struck you with his fist!' Then the officer became frustrated. He knew the Primary worker as a spry, supple fellow, but never knew he was short of a leg. In surprise, the officer said, ' This man had two legs yesterday. ' The judge smilingly asked the prisoner, 'Did you have two legs yesterday!' The prisoner modestly answered, 'No, your honor.' The judge then said, 'There is some mistake here, and I must discharge the prisoner,' and so the judge won the case. "Anyhow, those were the days of real sport for the politician. There was as much enjoy- ment in one of the old-fashioned Primary Elec- tions for the party workers as there is nowa- days for the Comiskey fans in seeing the White Sox win the world's championship. This en- thusiasm will always continue as long as you keep the party the ideal instead of the indi- vidual. For when the individual dies or goes wrong, then down comes your house, but your party never, and there you have it," says Den- nis Dwyer. 128 STORIES THE DAYS OF (REAL SPORT. Here's to the old ball field grounds, Where shouts reached to the sky. When every kid was happy, And he knew the reason why. Here's to the old slippery ice pond, And hills both steep and long: With skates, and sleds, and snowy beds, To glide our sleds upon. Here's to our old school picnic day, When every kid was there. Boys! if that was not heaven; Then, you've got to show me where! JOHN J. MCKENNA. RYAN, M'KENNA IN CONVERSATION. "Begorra, McKenna," says Ryan, ''this Oc- tober weather dampens the ardor of the sun \Vorshipers, as the kids nicked us. Devlin says the divil would not be a match for the risin 1 gineration of kids. Anyhow, the members have all returned and are recovered from the effect of the Eagles' picnic. Mulligan says the mem- bers of the Eagle Society are great circulators of the money, and that no new bills are found where they are. The way they keep it circulat- ing, they soon make it look like the palm of a coal shoveler's hand. Barney O'Flynn says they are all good sports anyway and doing good; and are as free with their deeds as they are with their money. "Now, we have adjourned our meetings until next spring, and have said goodbye to ould Sol, our Sun God. O'Flynn says we remind him of a laddybuck that lived in his part of Ireland. It was at the time of the failure of the potato crop, and it was hard going for everybody, but like the ould saying, it's a bad wind that don't blow favorable to somebody. Well, in this case, 130 MCKENNA'S STORIES the laddybuck friend of O'Flynn saw a chance of getting potatoes if he would attend the church of the opposite side. 'Well/ said he, 'I'm in for some of them potatoes,' but on the road to get them he had to pass his own church. This kind of stung him, but as a consoler, when passing his church, he would look up, tip his cap, and say, Goodbye, God, I'll be back to you again when the potatoes are good, ' and so, says O'Flynn, 'we now say goodbye to ould Sol, but we'll be back to him again in the spring, when the sun worshiping is good.' "Now, then, McKenna, I will finish my talk to you on the political question," says Ryan, "and what I'm sayin' to you I've statistics to prove. One of them is the ould sayin', 'no man's bigger than his party organization.' For just as soon as he thinks so, I have statistics that prove that kind of a man is only fooling one man. You have seen the movie pictures of how the wild men trap the lion and the tiger well, it's not a marker for the trap set by the politician to drop the man in that thinks and acts as though he were bigger than his party organization. "The war price of paper is too expensive to waste writing the names of all of the men of the past that tried that game. "Again, I have statistics to prove it don't make any difference whether you are a good shoveler in the Wafer Pipe Extension Depart- ment or a good judge on the bench, if you're RYAN AND MAC CONVERSE 131 party organization doesn't succeed, your meal ticket is about punched out. For the great ques- tions that come up for the consideration of the voters, as a general rule, and especially so in large cities, are so forcefully decided that the individual and his good work is overlooked. So my statistics show, while you may get by once in a while, if you don 't keep in the friend- ship of the organization you will soon find you are doing a one-night stand business. t ' For we are now living in a new age of sys- tem and organization. The individual is but a small factor today in the world, and with the quick communication concerning everything in the world, there's no more mystic in the indi- vidual. Familiarity, as O'Flynn says, breeds contempt. And from the looks of things ahead, and with the close information concerning every one in high places, as reported by the press news into every home, there will be fewer hero worshipers in the days to come than there were in the days gone by. There you have it. ' ' Again, I have statistics to show that in poli- tics as in playing poker, you have got to have something besides wind and talk to come in on. And here is a story to illustrate it. "Dennis Dwyer tells the story that new in- ventions bring new troubles. Says Dwyer: 'When I got home to supper last night, Mary Ann, my wife, nearly ate the head off me.' 'Come,' says she, 'Dennis, come, before you ate or before I scold you. Who is the lassy I am 132 MCKENNA'S STORIES told you were drinking beer with down at Tear- ney's hall? Explain! before I forget myself.' 'Don't be excited, Mary Ann,' said I. 'Don't you know of the new condition. The woman suf- fragette. That lady I was taking a social glass of beer with, was no less a person than the Lady President of the Personal Liberty League of my precinct.' She says, "Lady or no lady, Dennis, if you want peace in this house, don't you come home to me with as lame an excuse as that again. Divil take you and your lady personal liberty heresy,' says. she. 'Up to this now, Mary Ann, ' says I, ' there was harmony between us. Listen, now, if I am to hold my job in the Water Pipe Extension Department, I will have to do some electioneering. You know I had to set up the drinks manys the time with the min voters, and was kept out late at nights, and now that the women have the vote, it will be just as hard a job to please the women.' 'Well, Den'nis,' she says, 'if that's what's goin' on there's enough of my mother's people in the ward to form a club of my own, and I'll be in the game, too, and I'll show you more for my efforts than the Water Pipe Extension Depart- ment. ' ' Oh, ye can 't conquer them, we might as well give in,' said Dwyer. And this is just as true with politics, as Mary Ann said. That kind of talk don't go, and when you come into politics, with nothing but a lame story, you're not goin' to go far, and you're not goin' to so frighten people that they will lay awake nights RYAN AND MAC CONVEKSE 133 in dread of you. Wind, and talk without the money, cut about as much figure in politics as it would in Barney Mulligans bank, or before the Stock Exchange in Wall street, or the Board of Trade in Chicago. And there you have it, and here are the statistics to prove it," says Ryan. "Now, in the small cities, towns or counties, when a man presents himself for any important office, ninety-nine per cent of the people know of him. If he has not the qualification and the goods, divil a one is payin' any attention to him, except the constable or sheriff. "But in the big cities, with your expensive direct primary system, where ninety-nine per cent of the people who vote don't know one per cent of the candidates presented; and with all the nationalities on earth havin' a vote, names are what attract them more than qualifications. As O'Flynn says, 'it's manys a rogue that has a name that looks good, and it's manys the time that that name secures for the holder a high place on the party ticket. Whin, if the party organization had the doing of it that name would not be on the party ticket for con- stable. ' "Laws regulating political organization are a waste of money, and if the min that invented the scheme to do the regulating were to pay the expense of the experiment instead of the tax payers, there would be fewer of them, for sta- tistics prove that politics is a business in itself, just like the banking business, the medical pro- 134 MCKENNA'S STORIES fession, or any other business or profession. And it will, and has always been, run and man- aged by the men in that line. Opposition at times of course will develop, and factions will come out of opposition, but these are one-night- stand affairs. The leaders of such will either come back into the fold or else drop out of the business. New leaders will come and go, but the rank and file, and the system, will be doin' business from the same ould headquarters. And, as Barney Mulligan says, 'There 'tis till ye.' " A FEW STORIES BY MEMBERS OF THE SUN WORSHIPERS' CLUB ON OLD DAYS IN POLITICS. "Well, well," says Ryan, the statistician, "we had a great season of it below at the old McKinley Park, with the members of the Sun Worshipers' Club, as the kids called us. "And any one that followed our discourses and is not a full-fledged politician, it's safe to say of him he was never cut out for the job. We gave them pointers enough to be masters of the game." "Yes," says Barney O'Flynn, "but there's not the fun in politics that there was twenty- five years ago. In those days we had as much fun at the political meetings as you would now- adays at the circus, and one of as funny a meet- ing as I ever attended was a Democratic meet- ing in the old Eighth Ward, where ould Michael Fitzgerald, the tailor, was the presiding officer. He was there with his usual full-dress suit, his high hat, and the shillaleh that he always had 136 MCKENNA'S STORIES with him; it was the size of a small cord wood stick. " 'What's your pleasure,' says he, hitting the table a wallop that caused a shiver to come over us all. ' ' Then up jumped a little classical man in the back of the room, calling 'Mr. Chairman, Mr. Chairman.' Again Fitz. struck down hard on the table with his shillaleh, and, said he, 'I heard you the first time. What is it!' " 'I arise to place in nomination, as Demo- cratic candidate of the Eighth Ward, our true, tried, and esteemed friend, Tim Ryan.' "Well, sir, the noise in favor was so great I thought they'd drive holes through the floor. When quiet was restored a little Italian that was within easy reach of Fitz. stood up. He was excited and for a few minutes could say nothing, but all the time trying, and making a noise like a steam peanut roasting machine. Finally he mentioned some Italian as a candi- date for alderman. He was about to sit down, when Fitz. up with his shillaleh and hit him on the head a sound wallop, saying to the Italian, 'You sit down, you said enough.' "Then said Fitz. quickly, 'Are there any further nominations? If not, I declare the nom- inations closed ,and Tim Ryan is now the regu- lar Democratic nominee for alderman of the Eighth Ward and the meeting do now stand ad- journed.' "Well, sir, it was the liveliest adjourned meeting any man ever set eyes upon, but it was FlTZ AND THE GAVEL 137 fun if you were prepared to handle yourself." "That's a good one, Flynn," said Pat Price, "but for real sport let me tell you of a primary election I attended over in the old Tenth Ward. This was in the old days. Well, sir, opposition put in its appearance unexpectedly and the cap- tain gave orders to get busy. Says he, 'Vote early and often and for all the absentees. ' Any- how, Jerry Duffy, one of the Water Pipe Ex- tension Gang, was there. He was always the first to vote at every primary election. Signs on him, he was always on the pay roll and was working where the pay was good and the shov- eling easy. "There was a precinct captain by the name of Charley Smith there, who stood below at the corner with the printed poll list, furnishing the names of the absentees to the boys who were to vote them. "Anyhow, with every trip Jerry Duffy made to the polls to vote an absentee, he would take a drink of German rye to brace him for the oc- casion. He voted for about eight absentees, un- der the name of every nationality in the neigh- borhood. Finally, when he came to vote the ninth time, with the name of Herman Schultz, he was so full he had to hold up his head for fear that it would spill out, and all the while trying to look very dignified. " 'Herman Schultz,' said Duffy. "This was more than little Officer McCarthy could stand. He had had his eye on Duffy all 138 McKENNA's STORIES the afternoon. 'Come, come, Duffy,' says he. 'Come away from there. You're a disgrace. You're on your ninth trip now, and you have voted under the name of every nationality in America. I'll jug you if you don't get out of here." " 'McCarthy,' says Duffy, 'I know who I am.' 11 'You think you do,' answered Officer Mc- Carthy, 'but that German rye you have been supping has you twisted. You are a disgrace, I'm telling ye. You get out of here, or I will have the patrol take you. ' " 'I know who I am, McCarthy,' said Duffy, 'and it's not your business to interfere with the voters. Hegewisch for you tomorrow. ' " 'You're not Schultz,' said Officer McCar- thy. ' You are Jerry Duffy. ' " 'I know who I am, McCarthy,' says Duffy. "Just at this time Mrsfl Duffy was coming up the street, when McCarthy says, 'Here comes one now that will know you. Here,' says Mc- Carthy to Mrs. Duffy, ' take this man away with you; he is disgracing himself.' "Just then the judge cried aloud, 'What did you say the name was?' " 'Herman Schultz,' answered Duffy, 'are you deaf?' " 'Well, well, well, do you hear that?' said Mrs. Duffy, 'and I have lived with that man for twenty-nine years under the consumed name of Duffy! Well, well, well, and his name is Her- man Schultz.' FlTZ AND THE GAVEL 139 " 'Woman, says Duffy, 'I don't know you.' " 'My God,' she wailed, 'he's gone mad en- tirely. ' " 'No,' said Officer McCarthy, 'he's not mad; he's drunk on German rye. Come out of here, Duffy, or I'll jug you,' says McCarthy. "With one last dignified straightening up of his head, he voted again as Herman Schultz. Then proudly he walked away, holding up his head so as not to spill it, and as he did he kept saying, ' Hegewisch for you in the morning, Mc- Carthy, for interfering with the voters.' "At a short distance from the polls the old woman got Duffy again. He then tried to bfe funny, and said to the wife, ' Can 't you take a joke, I was just helping out some of the boys that are away on their vacation. That Officer McCarthy, I will have him in Hegewisch to- morrow, traveling beat among the grasshop- pers. ' "In the meantime a fight started at the poll- ing place. One of the boys struck one of the opposition. The opposition was down. Our fellow was on top of him. Any one by this time knew the opposition was beaten at the primary election. Officer McCarthy, with the thought of Hegewisch and the grasshopper on his mind, now became diplomatic. He rolled the man off from the assaulted man, then took the assaulted man to the station with him, charging him with starting a fight at the polling place. The pre- cinct captain was on. McCarthy didn't go to Hegewisch, and so we won the day, ' ' said Price. 140 McKENNA's STORIES But those were the days of real sport in poli- tics. "Anyhow," says Barney O'Flynn, "the ris- ing generation will never quit with their tricks until they're behind the bars. Barney Mulligan and myself arranged to go on a fishing trip out to Pickerel Point. We started about five thirty A. M. on the trip, not thinking it was Primary Election Day. Well, sir, the early bird politi- cians saw us as we drove by the polling place in our little Ford. And they learned where we were bound for, and thinking we would not re- turn during the day, what the divil did they do, but in the dark of the morning they got two of the laddybucks that were hanging around the polling place to go and give the names of my- self and Barney Mulligan and voted the both of us as Democrats, and this under the new expen- sive primary laws. We are now barred, they tell us, for two years to come from voting again in the primary unless we vote it Democratic. Now, what do you think of that for a trick? Sure, when we came back, late in the day, and tried to vote, we were told by the judges to go and chase ourselves and not to try anything like that on them or they'd have us jugged. Says they, 'Ye were here early and voted. Don't think,' said they, 'ye are back in the ould days. ' ' i * Ould days or not, ' says we, ' we see there 's tricks in all trades, and we'll find out who did this trick, and when we do it's not complaining FlTZ AND THE GAVEL, 14i we'll be to our friend Judge Scully, but we'll wait until the day before the next primary elec- tion, and then we'll trim the two Democrats that voted us so bad that they'll not be able to go to vote. Then we'll call it a pair off, like they do in Congress. They'll find they'll gain nothing by them kind of tricks with us. Any- how, the divil couldn't make laws that would prevent the rising generations from twisting. And there ye have it." 142 MCKENNA'S STORIES A TOAST TO THE FLAG. Here's to the American Flag, The symbol of Freedom and Justice; Whether lying in the mud Or on a mound of flowers, It stands for the same. No act of man can lower or elevate it It's symbolic of Freedom and Justice; The meaning for which it stands Can never change. It's the ever-living reminder Pointing to intolerance against Freedom and Justice. It's hypocrisy and sacrilege to use it Except in that for which it stands. The O'Lary Home. M'KENNA IN REMINISCENCE OF THE CHI- CAGO FIRE OF 1871. This is the 46th anniversary of the big Chi- cago fire of October 9, 1871. It seems that persons who lived in Chicago at that time, when they arrive at a certain age, they try to tell the story of the Chicago fire as it appeared to them on that night. So I am going to try and tell my story. I don't know whether it was O'Leary's cow that kicked the lamp over, which set the barn 144 MCKENNA'S STORIES on fire, but I do know that the barn which stood on the rear of the lot where Mrs. O'Leary lived was the first place to take fire that night. The O'Leary home was situated on the north side of Dekoven street, about six lots west of Clinton street, and on the night of the fire at about 9 P. M., myself and four young men from the same neighborhood where I lived, were tak- ing a walk along Halsted street toward Dekoven street. James Sheridan, who resides at 919 West 38th street, is the only one of the four pals of that night who is still in the land of the living. Just as we got to Dekoven street we heard the old Court House bell ring out, and along came a fire engine. We followed the en- gine down Dekoven street until we came to where the fire was. It was the O'Leary barn and the top of it was going full blast with flames of fire. It was a small barn, at that. It did not look like we were going to get our worth of fun and excitement for the hot chase we made to get to the fire. We thought it would be but a short job for the firemen to put it out, but the fire and sparks were rolling out. It was just getting to our liking when we got a call from some one on the south side of the street, just a little east from the O'Leary home, asking for help. We rushed over, and, as ordered, car- ried out a corpse that was laid out upon a stretcher. By this time the crowd had become very numerous, and we had a difficult job to make our way east on Dekoven street to Canal 145 street. We let down the corpse on the sidewalk, on the west side of Canal street, about 100 feet south of Dekoven street. This was thought a safe place, and the members of the family thanked us. State and Madison Streets Back we went to the fire. It now looked ex- citing enough, for within the half hour there were ten different fires. And here, let me say, the story of the cow and the lamp is as old as the fire, for within that hour the kids around Clinton and Dekoven streets were relating 146 McKENNA's STORIES about the cow kickin' 'over the lamp' and caus- ing the fire. That neighborhood was built almost of frame buildings. It was the old residence district, with small stores and dwellings from Dekoven street north to Adams, and from Jefferson street east to where the Chicago & Alton tracks are now. In those days from Dekoven street to Harrison street on the east side of Canal up to the Alton tracks, was a thickly settled resident district. There had been no rain for thirty days pre- vious to the fire. Everything was bone dry, and fire prevention conditions bad. There were old planing mills along this district, where shavings were piled up outside on the streets as high as small houses. Everything was in good condi- tion for a fire. The weather was exceptionally warm; the wind was coming southwest, and it seemed that as the fire grew bigger, the stronger the wind did blow. In thirty minutes after the fire was well started, there were in that territory one or two blocks apart at least fifteen fires. The old Court House bell was ringing out wild. This was the means in those days to call the attention of the Fire Department to where the fires were located. Within another half hour there were so many fires that everything was lost control of. The fire did not get any farther west than Jefferson street, but it did clean up the west side from THE BIG CHICAGO FIRE 147 Dekoven street to Adams street and from about the east side of Jefferson street to the Chicago River on the east. It now got over onto the east side of the river Clark and Randolph Streets Liooking East. between Jackson and Adams streets. The bridges then crossing the river on the west side were at Polk, Van Buren, Adams, Madison, 148 MCKENNA'S STOEIES Randolph and Lake streets. The east bank of the river from Harrison street to Polk street was occupied by stone yards. On the east side of the river, between Adams and Monroe streets the old gas house stood, with very large gas tanks, and here, surround- ing the old gas plant, was what was called the Connolly patch ; all frame and bad fire preven- tive conditions. As the fire increased every- body was satisfied it would reach those tanks. The information going the rounds was that the gas was being allowed to escape. If this was so, of course it helped the fire along; but it would have been worse if it had been left to ex- plode. Anyhow, as the fire spread, all gas con- nections were opened from the different burn- ing buildings. After the fire got across the river at Adams street it went down along Market street to South Water street. I saw the old Garden City Hotel burning, at Market and Madison streets, where the Examiner Building now stands. It was quite a picturesque old hotel, and it made a great fire display. In the loop there were fires bursting out everywhere, in a hundred different places; and to show how quickly it spread, this was all going on within two hours after the fire had started away up on Dekoven street, at O'Leary's. The four young men that I was with on that night saw a lot of the fire and just kept on a-going in the excitement. From the time we THE BIG CHICAGO FIRE 149 left O'Leary's place at about 9:30 P. M., and walked down Canal street, we kept ahead of the fire. We crossed Van Buren street bridge, went Clark and Randolph, Looking North From Court House. down Market street to Madison street, then back on Franklin street to Adams street, then over to the Court House. We saw all the pris- 150 MCKENNA'S STORIES oners being released. When things got so hot at the Court House that everybody knew it was going to burn up, the prisoners were let free. excepting those that were held for serious of- fenses, and who had to be taken elsewhere. We saw the guards standing with revolvers in hand in front of the Chambers Jewelry Store, which was just opposite the jail at the southeast cor- ner of Clark and Randolph streets; the jail then being in the basement of the old Court House. When the prisoners were released they probably had in mind the jewelry store, but for any kind of loot, it was not a good night, it be- ing Sunday night. All things of value had been locked up in the safes and as for articles other than money or jewelry, looting was not worth while. From what we saw, persons so inclined could take away with them anything they wanted in the line of clothing or clothes and various other valuable things, but of what value would it be to them? All they could take away would be what they could carry and then they would have to go miles with it to a place of safety, so there was but very little looting go- ing on. The principal street in the city for dry goods and merchandise was Lake street, from Market street to State street; Randolph street was a good business street; old South Water street was in worse condition than it is today. The substantial part of Chicago was within the district bounded by Market street, the lake, THE BIG CHICAGO FIBE 151 Monroe street and South Water street. The Board of Trade Building stood where the Chamber of Commerce Building now stands. Adams Street Bridge, After the Fire. The old Court House stood in the square where the City Hall and County Buildings now stand. There is very little comparison to be made be- tween old Chicago and the loop as it is today 152 MC!CENNA'S STORIES regarding valuable buildings. Of course there were a lot of substantial buildings of the old type within the loop district north of Monroe street. All the other territory through which the fire extended, as far north as Lincoln Park, was what might be called the old homemade Chi- cago. Seventy-five per cent of the people who lived in Chicago in those days lived within that territory. South of Monroe street were two, three, and four story buildings, brick and frame adjoining each other; used as residences and stores, and the people lived where they kept their business. The difference in Chicago then as compared with today is in the territory that was destroyed by fire. Today it would not contain ten per cent of the residences of Chicago, while in those days it contained seventy-five per cent of all the peo- ple who lived in Chicago. What is now called Racine avenue is about as far west as there were any homes in those days. North avenue was the limit on the north and there were very few homes beyond that. Thirty-ninth street was the limit on the south ; very few houses beyond that line. The most pitiful sight to see was this sev- enty-five per cent of the people turned out with- out time to take away any of their belongings and with no place to go for shelter, as there was not room enough in the homes left to hold them. On the north side of the city, Horace Gree- ^Bi^^H 154 MCKENNA'S STORIES ley's advice was working. They were all going west as fast as they could to get away from the fire. Goose Island, that night, looked like Heaven to people, as it was a place of safety. The old Washington street tunnel was crowded with people going over to the West Side. During the first few hours many fires broke out, but everybody was given a warning ; a kind of a Paul Eevere cry, was going over the city. Taking everything into consideration, very few lives were reported lost, though conditions were bad. Whisky and beer were as free as water. I never saw so many drunks in all my life as I saw that night, and I have seen many big nights in Chicago. We saw one man whom we all thought must have lost his life in the fire. This was on the west side of Franklin street, between Monroe and Madison streets. There were small stores here then. This man seemed to have forgotten something and returned for it. The crowd all called for him to come out and not go back, but he went back. We all stood anxious to see him return. He apparently left the store with what he went back for, but before he got to a place of safety, and as the crowd was yelling, "Come! Come, quick ! " a gust of fire burst out between the buildings and he seemed to have been en- gulfed in the flame. We watched for a time, but did not see him again. I was standing by and saw the Court House on fire ; the Board of Trade Building ; the Grand THE BIG CHICAGO FIRE 155 Pacific Hotel, just being completed, and only roofed over. It seemed a shame to think it must go down. It stood so high, and from the reflec- tions of the fire striking it, it looked like it was on fire a long time before it actually took fire. I saw the Sherman House on fire, the Palmer House, and McVicker's Theater; the Eock Island and Illinois Central Depots. Near the Illinois Central Depot on the north side of Randolph street east of Michigan avenue, about 3 A. M. Monday morning, was the hottest spot in town. This locality was well built up, and many hotels along the street fronted the depot. There were great hopes that the Rock Island Depot would escape it, but that old wind was going full blast, southwest. Once in a while there would be a lull; then a kick back which would set buildings on fire a block south of where the fire actually was. This happened in the neighborhood of the Rock Island Depot. Where the Board of Trade Building now stands, was then the part of the city known as the "Red Light District." It covered a space Van Buren street to Adams street, and from just west of Clark street to Wells street about one-quarter of a mile square. Old frame, one, two, and three story buildings; looked like an old border town; wild west. Here was the worst part and the worst condition for fire pre- vention and everything else that was in and 156 MCKENNA'S STORIES around Chicago. It went up like a matchbox when the fire hit it. One of the many sad sights to look upon in the days after the fire was that part within the loop district where all the savings of the people were. Those who were lucky enough to live in the territory where the fire did not reach had their money here, the same as those who were burned out. As they looked over that burning mass they must have had many a sad think, but "what's the use of borrowing trouble," as Bar- ney O'Flynn says, and so it was in this in- stance ; for in the end the bankers all made good and the depositors lost nothing. All seemed to have lost their heads that night. They worked themselves and everybody else near to death helping to carry their goods to the street, thinking that something might conic to their relief; but all this work was wasted time and labor and added to the fire. Just about the time they finished carrying out their goods along would come the fire and burn them up. And this kept up all night working, helping, but all in vain. They might just as well have locked the door and let it go. I walked from Van Buren street to Randolph street along the Lake Front about 4 A. M. Mon- day morning. Thousands of people were over there. The heat was intense and the excitement great. People began to fear that they would burn up. There were many people lying as close to the lake as they could get, and at that THE BIG CHICAGO FIRE 157 time the lake came up to within one or two hun- dred feet of the east side of Michigan avenue. The fire crossed over the river to the North Side late at night. We were over on the North Side as far as Chicago avenue, but the South Side was where the excitement was and we did not stay but a short time on the North Side. The excitement just kept us on the go all night. We came out of the loop district and crossed the Randolph street bridge Monday morning about 9 A. M. With all my work that night I had lost my coat and hat, and now, with others. I was returning home without a coat. I had a plug hat and an old banjo and was black enough from the smoke and soot of the night to go on for a minstrel turn. Right here something funny took place. Some one had knocked a head out of a barrel of whisky. There were several barrels on the walk at the southwest corner of the bridge, but there was no water to be had as a chaser. They were informed at this time that the Water Works had burned down, and soon the police came along and chased that crowd away from the whisky bar- rels. That old fire was so quick and picturesque, people acted as though they were mesmerized from looking at it ; a lot of people never got on to the serious part of it until it was all over. Now, from 9 P. M. Sunday until 9:30 A. M. Monday morning every hope was gone. We met several* people then coming down town as 158 MCKENNA'S STORIES we were going home. I remember we said, "The show is all over, everything is gone." What a sight it was to look up toward the sky that night ! It looked like a moving sea of fire; millions of sparkling lighted coals were moving along swiftly above Chicago ; hundreds of burning boards, old mattresses, old paper roofs; all soaring on high and all afire. It made the night so bright you could pick up a pin on the street. Everybody we met late that morning looked as though they were in a trance. What a crowd they were, and just running from one place to another! In the center of the loop that night, as we looked up, it seemed that the world was on fire. Soon after the city authorities recovered from the shock, and as the kindness of the whole world showered in upon all the people, small homes were erected for the very poor, that are always with us. The fine weather that we had to a way late in the fall, helped the people to carry their troubles. Takiiig everything into consideration, with the gr"eat losses, you can see from the pic- tures taken after the fire and here presented, that it left the district on which Chicago was built about as bare as was the original prairie. In six months after the fire everybody seemed to be happy and prosperous. Every one that had property could borrow money, and did, and started in to rebuild Chicago at a speed near as rapid as it was burned down. All worked over- THE BIG CHICAGO FIRE 159 time and seemed to have money, even if they had to borrow it. From what the people learned from their fire experience and the new building restric- tions, Chicago began to look like what Chicago was intended to be. Every one was talking as though it were a blessing that the fire had come, and, as Barney 'Flyhn says, ' i There are many things worse that might have happened to us." And this was one of the great consolations in those days. When neighbors met and talked over their losses, one found his loss so small compared with his neighbor that it helped him to forget his trouble. And there ye have it. 160 MCKENNA'S STORIES ONE OF THE SUN WORSHIPERS GONE TO MEET HIS REWARD. "Well, sir, McKenna," says Morris O'Brien, '/last week was a sad evint ; we lost another ould member of the Sun Worshipers' Club and he was an active member of the Executive Com- mittee of the Thirty-first Precinct Republican Club, one Mike McGee. 1 < We gave him a funeral and a wake that any man, dead or alive, should be proud of. And, as ould Devlin said: 'While Mike was alive he many's the time had the divil's job to have the street car stop long enough to (let him get aboard, but signs on it, when Mike died he got even with the street car company and the motor- men. For while his funeral was wending its way from 39th street across the entire West Side of the city on its way to Cavalry, he blocked every street car line he passed for fully three-quarters of an hour.' " 'Too bad,' said Devlin, 'that Mike don't see this sight, for I know he 'd enjoy it. ' "Anyhow, as ould Devlin was takin' the last look at Mike, said he to the ould woman: 'Did you put ever a dollar in his pocket?' 'No,' says she, 'I don't think I did.' " 'Well,' says Devlin, 'I am going to put a dollar in Mike's pocket now, for I never see him alive without it and I'm not goin' to have it said that any one met Mike dead without it. ' " 'Well,' said an ould woman who was pres- MET His REWARD 161 ent, 'is it not a foolish thing to be puttin' money in a dead man's clothes?' 11 'Never mind,' says Devlin, 'money is a handy thing to have dead or alive, in jail or out of it, and it may be consoling to Mike to know that on the day of resurrection, when he arises again and maybe among strangers, that he still has the price.' And there it's for ye." Old Lake Michigan. CHICAGO AS IT LOOKED IN OTHER DAYS. Chicago, with its many parks, swimming pools and playgrounds for the accommodation of the youth of today, brings up the question, where did the young folks of old Chicago find places of amusement ? In telling this story I will only describe it as I remember it, dating from the year 1862 to the year 1870. Chicago in those days, what there was of it, was compact. The people that lived on the North Side lived between Halsted street, Lake Michigan, Kinzie street and Division street. North avenue was the extreme limit on the north, and very few homes extended up that far. We had old Lake Michigan as our swimming pool from North avenue on the north to what 164 MCKENNA'S STORIES is now called Grand avenue on the south. They talk now about the Sand Dunes of Indiana, but these never could be compared with what the banks of old Lake Michigan looked like in those days, and there were no censors or regulators on the beaches. It looked as wild then as it does now along the Dunes of Indiana. The lake was not dredged out and the boys could wade out as far as what we called the third sand bar, without going over their heads, and this distance was at least one-half mile out from the shore. Thou- sands were there every day in the summer, and say, all our beautiful swimming pools and cen- sored bathing beaches of today looked, as the kids say, like a deuce spot when compared. There were no life guards needed, and we never heard tell of the under tow. Nature took its time in making this old swimming pond, and the water then was as clear and blue as it is now two miles out from the shore, and any kind of stockings went in those days. For a skating park, that old lake before it was deepened by dredging, froze over in the winter time and for one mile out from the shore it was as smooth as glass. For a skating park there is nothing like it today. Now, this was on the east side of North Chicago, while on the west we had the original river running around the west side of what is now called Goose Island. It extended north, up through Clybourn Woods, 166 MCKENNA'S STORIES beyond North avenue. Its waters came in from the territory of the northwest, and was clear as spring water. It was an ideal old-fashioned country creek, and swimming and boating was always good during vacation time and some- times when it was not vacation time. I have tried the fancy made park swimming pool and the good old creek water, and I say, give me the old creek as the old north branch was in those days for good fun. In the winter navigation was closed, and the north branch river to North avenue was one long skating pond and always crowded with boys and girls. Every one of them was his or her own boss, no regulators on the job real fun and freedom going together. This was God's skating park, and there were no Commissioners' rules to reg- ulate things. So much about the North Side, and now about the South Side. Twenty-sixth street was the extreme limit on the South Side wherein any great number of people lived. Here we had the same old Lake Michigan, with the same condi- tions as existed on the North Side for swim- ming in the summer time and skating in the winter. To the west, we had the old South Branch River, coming down from the Des- plaines River together with the waters coming through the old Illinois and Michigan Canal from the Illinois River. The waters in those days flowed in toward the lake and were clean and clear as crystal. The old south branch of Halsted Street I.ii l-I5ri.Ii;,-. 168 MCKENNA'S STORIES the Chicago River was the swimming place used by the boys of the South and West Sides of the city, and in the winter it was used for skat- ing. In those days navigation closed in Novem- ber, so that when the rivers got frozen over they remained that way until spring, and any day there could be seen thousands of skaters along the old South Brunch Eiver from Madi- son street out southwest to the old Mud Lake at Ashland avenue. The scenery along the river was beautiful. The 'Neill Woods, a forty-acre tract of heavy timber land, fronted the north bank of the Chi- cago River, west from Halsted street. Piper's Woods was along the north bank east from Ashland avenue, and this was about a sixty-acre tract of heavy timber land. All along the Mud Lake from Ashland avenue, west to Kedzie ave- nue, was equally as rich in scenery, with splen- did farms, orchards, and homes built along its banks. So that in the good old early days of Chicago we had our parks and skating pools as God made them, while all the money spent today in producing them makes but poor imitations. For fishing and hunting the boys did not have to go far out from the city. In the old Cly- bourn Woods, O'Neill's Woods and the Piper's Woods, in the fall of the year, the wild pigeon came in so thick and fast you could shoot hun- dreds of them in an hour. You don't see any of these nowadays while hunting, but in those days they were so plentiful in the fall of the Urine of the White Snx. The "Two Finger Times". 170 MCKENNA'S STORIES year you could knock them with sticks in those woods. And on the prairie, where the City Bridewell now stands, could be seen any day in the fall thousands of wild ducks and geese in the marshes there. And along the banks of the old river, on the North Side, north of North avenue, and on the South Side, west of Ashland avenue, known as Mud Lake, and up the south- Chicagro River Scene. west branch of the river that is now called Bub- bly Creek, the banks of these rivers were lined with hazel brush, crab apple trees, and wild strawberries. In looking this over today, a person would think this a fairy story, but nevertheless it is true. Many the melon patch and orchard was tapped in those days by the boys without the CHICAGO IN OTHER DAYS 171 permission of the owners. If it were possible to bring back a true picture of the old lake front from North avenue to Twenty-sixth street, and the original Chicago Eiver from Ashland ave- nue on the North Side to Kedzie avenue on the Southwest Side, what a battle the people would put up to retain it ! But in the march of enter- prise, Chicago as nature made her was fast dis- appearing as far back as 1870, but don't ever think that the boys of the early days of Chicago did not find as many places to amuse them- selves in out-of-door sports as you can point to today. And there you have it. Ryan's Inspiration NICHOLAS RYAN IN A PATRIOTIC MOOD. "McKenna," said Nicholas Ryan, the stati- stician of the Sun Worshipers' Club, "I just want to say a few words to you on our plan of government, then I will take the advice of old Fitz. the Tailor, when he hit the Italian on the head with his shillaleh, "Sit down, you,' said Fitz., 'you said enough.' "This is the proper time to say it. It's our plan of government, and that's all that makes America the best land on earth to live in, and we ought to appreciate it more than we do. "When the founders of this government saw fit to withdraw from England, it was the plan of government they had in mind. They knew well the withdrawal from the Mother Country would not change the severe climate of New England, nor would it make plowing and till- ing of stony hills any the easier, but it would give contentment to their hearts and minds if they could perfect a plan of government that would give to them the right to elect the men that would make the laws under which they 174 MCKENNA'S STORIES would have to live. The right to worship their God as they saw fit, the equality of man before the law, and the protection of their property rights, that's what our plan of government has accomplished, and we have enjoyed its privi- leges for the past one hundred and forty-one years, and it's the best plan of government that ever was handed down to mankind; and there it's for you. ' ' Tho men that signed that Declaration of In- dependence and adopted the Star-Spangled Banner as the emblem to represent their plan of government, they knew full well if they failed in their undertaking it meant the sacrifice of their lives and property. "Now, in this, our day, in this land of Amer- ica, when men so forget themselves as to raise any other sign or emblem in a political way but that adopted flag, they should be shown that that which they are doing is not freedom but an insult to the memory of those men that gave to us our plan of government. "There are some of them that speak so fool- ishly that they try to convince you that all you would have to do is to get the majority of our Congress and a President to your way of think- ing, and that you could change the flag and the plan of government. That's all in your eye; that's theory, Mac. The divil the change will any person or ism do to that flag or our plan of government by any chance voting or upheaval until every one that loves that old flag and our RYAN IN PATRIOTIC MOOD 175 plan of government is down and their tongues sticking out a yard. "And as Barney O'Flynn says, 'May the last thing that the Angel Gabriel goes lookin' for on the day of the destruction of the world be our old flag and our plan of government, ' and I say 'Amen' to Barney's wish. "And as sure as I am tellin' you, any one that advocates that kind of doings or isms, that's not freedom; that's insult to the memory of them that have won a place in our hearts that will never die. "Our old flag; when the seamen of old saw it wave to the breeze they said: 'That's the emblem of the plan of government of the young republic beyond the sea and for the great masses of the petople' I have statistics to show it was looked upon as one of the then wonders of the world. It was the hope that was burning in the hearts of all the lovers of freedom in every land. And its invisible sign seemed to beckon to them all and say, 'Ye that love free- dom, come unto me and your expectation will be more than satisfied,' and so for a hundred and forty-one years that old flag has so beck- oned to all the oppressed of the world, and they that have come have had their greatest hopes realized. And this old plan of government of ours has brought more contentment and more happiness into the world than any other one thing that has been originated by mankind. "Freedom has been so free under our plan of government that to some it has lost its sacred- 176 MCKENNA'S STORIES ness ; but, like all our best friends, we only ap- preciate their true worth when they have gone from us. May this never be so with our plan of government or the flag that represents it. ' ' The men that gave to us our plan of govern- ment started with very little of this world's goods, and from the bleak cold shores of the states along the New England coast worked their way across the continent, and today we have over one hundred millions of people that are more prosperous and have more freedom than any people living anywhere on this earth. "And those that represent us in every depart- ment of our plan of government, we put them there, with our own free will, by our ballot, and, if we don't approve of their way of doing, then we have the same privilege with our own free will, through our ballot, to replace them with others. And in this sacred right we are their peers. The rich and poor alike enjoy the same privilege, the one vote, man for man ; and still we are kicking. And there you have it. "A new generation could live and arrive at the same junction of freedom and prosperity as we have today if all we now possess were to be destroyed if only they were left to continue to live under our plan of government. But there's the rub ; them that would have the power to de- stroy our property would know that that would be but a secondary consideration. The next thing they would do would be to destroy our plan of government. That's the thing that EYAN IN PATRIOTIC MOOD 177 would do the job. For in destroying this they would kill contentment and pride and the equality of man before the law and the right to worship God as you see fit. And with such a people as we are, raised in the atmosphere of freedom, this would dim our hopes, and hope is our very existence. ' ' That was why, in that great mind of Francis Scott Key, when he gave vent to the thought in that patriotic song, 'The Star-Spangled Ban- ner': " 'The rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. say, does that star-spangled banner still wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?' ' ' The great fear was not the loss of the flag, but the plan of government which that flag rep- resented. It would be very easy to replace a flag, but on that solemn occasion if that flag went down so went down with it our plan of government, and that is why today we want to see that old flag on high, for the men that would cause that to fall would destroy the plan of gov- ernment that it represents. And there you have it. "If there is any wrong existing under our plan of government, who brought it about, and who is to blame for its continuance 1 ? We, the 178 MCKENNA'S STORIES people, are. For with our own free will, under our plan of government, a majority of the free citizens must give their consent, through the ballot, the privilege to their representatives to create the laws under which we live. Where on earth is there any other such a plan of gov- ernment given to a people? * ' There will never come a time while this old world bobs around where any plan of govern- ment will meet with the approval of everybody. We don't all see through the same glasses. What to some looks to be the only way, to others that same viewpoint, the more argu- ments and statistics you present in its favor the farther they would be away from it. And so it will be until Gabriel blows his horn. And there it's for you. "There is not a man in America today, no matter what country gave him birth, whether he be a scholar or a poor laborer, if he just re- flects in this our hour of anxiety, give way to his mind and heart, and let come back to him the thought that first entered his mind and heart the day that his eyes first met the star- spangled banner, the emblem of Free America, then that person will find the answer comes bounding back to him, 'I am with America against the world'. "And with all of us, we have the hyphen that is born in us and seemingly over which we have no control. You may laugh at this, but it is true. Its both of a foreign and domestic made RYAN IN PATRIOTIC MOOD 179 type. For instance, where is there an Indianaii that has not a friendly hyphen working in him for a fellow Indianan? And where is the man from Dixie Land that has not a hyphen in him for one from Dixie? And the eastern and New England hyphen is as active as any of them for their fellow townsmen. And so it is with the foreign hyphen. A blind man could see the hyphen working in them all the day the White Sox won the championship. "Well, with us all, we occasionally find fault with things in our own homes and say things that we would not like outsiders to say, and to- day we find many a stone being cast that it would be better for us all if they were let re- main, on the stone pile. But, with all that every one knows our plan of government has been that free, like a good mothers love, its greatest loss and appreciation would come if we were to lose it. So this is the time for our every act and deed to be in keeping with the sentiment represented by our flag. That's the kind of a hyphen we all want now, and keep it working overtime. And as Barney Mulligan says, 'There 'tis till ye.' " 180 MCKENNA'S STORIES MIND PICTURES. Where Power and Oppression Ride side by side, Laws have gone and Love has died, Discontent and disunion On every hand, Hope is dead in such a land. Dependents are the seed That powers sow Then create conditions to make them grow. Where dependents flourish There is no pride Lackeys seen on every side, Independence too weak to raise its head With Liberty gone and Justice dead. When Wealth and Power ride side by side When Wealth has gone Power has died. Whe're Power brings Justice That's a happy land! Contented people on every side With love of Country Their joy and pride. In a land like ours if we only knew Its Constitution through and through Then did our duty as we ought to do As Freedom's sons we'd always see Independence strong and Justice free. Conditions fhat would make dependents grow In this free land would have no show. John J, McKenna, ANTHONY DEVLIN ON "THE OLD DAYS OF POLITICS." "Begorra, McKenna," says old Anthony Devlin, "I was glad to read in the last week's issue of PUBLIC SAFETY, that your statistician, Nicholas Ryan, gave out his announcement that he was going to take timely advice and stop his talking, for surely he has said enough. He, with his statistics, the Daily News Almanac and the Bible, has kept the Sun Worshipers' Club on edge all summer below at the park. Any- how in my rummaging among some ould papers at home, I run across this ballot ; I now show it to you. It's a ballot that was cast in one of the old-fashioned primary elections, at the time when the late Geo. B. Swift was Mayor of Chi- cago. It's a reminder of a battle royal that took place between the Swift machine, with Perry H. Hull as the Swift campaign manager, against the Lorimer-Hertz organization; it was war from the time the polls opened at 1 P. M. until they closed at 7 P. M. Now this was in the good old days before civil service was in 182 MCKENNA'S STORIES working order. The Mayor in those days was a power, everything in town was wide open, the word reform was not invented, and this Mayor was an apt scholar in the game of politics. But so were Lorimer and Hertz; everything of in- fluence and every meal ticket holder was or- dered to be on duty. The order from headquar- ters was: 'You deliver the goods or report at headquarters tonight and return your meal ticket, with all the privilege that it commands.' That meant something, there were no slackers, they all knew what the order meant, 'and that goes', said the order from the Chief of Police, clear through to the last man holding a privi- lege under the city administration. Perry H. Hull was no small leader, both sides were ex- pert in the game and there was no limit to their bank roll; hence strategy as well as physical force had to be used in order to win. If you beat the other fellow in that day, you had to have the goods, and if you cheated, you had to be able to lick the other fellow in order to get away with it. The power of the city authorities, with what they had at command in that day, would be no job for a sick man to go up against, but the 'Lo rimer-Hertz organization', with its following won the day. And here is the ticket that won the day, in one of the primary dis- tricts. There were seen fellows riding around in car- riages that day that you could tell were never in a carriage before, except when they were at- tending a funeral. At this polling place about ALTERNATES' DAY 183 ten minutes to 1 P. M. there drove up, six car- riages loaded with old-time gamblers from the First Ward. Some one said to them: 'Ain't you lost"? 'No', said a lot of them, 'we came out to show you fellows something. ' Then they began bossing around, and telling the judges of election where to get off at. Some one said: ' You fellows are taking your lives in your hands in coming out here; do you know where you are 1 ?' Then they became very bossy. 'Well,' said one that knew them, 'You got advice, but if you don't take it now, we won't be able to save you in a few minutes ! ' Just at the tap of 1 P. M. about two hundred healthy looking alternates and their followers, led by John Cu- sick, business manager of the Brickmakers' Union, came on the scene. 'What's all this about?' said he, looking at the carriages. Some one said something; then every window in the carriages, with their loads, received a shower of whole and half bricks. Oh ! what a sight. The imported First Ward fighters began to try and explain and say they made a mistake in the neighborhood, but it was too late. This was 'Alternates' Day', and they won in a walk. All the money in Chicago couldn't induce that old First Ward bunch to come back to Archer Road. The old hack drivers were glad to get the privi- lege of taking away with them what was left of the old carriages. The alternates were well organized and had been holding meetings every night for two weeks checking up the poll list. Our pledge 184 McKENNA's STORIES was : ' One for all, and all for one ; no scratch- ing of the ticket to be done ; we will win or lose together.' This alternate business may look to be a joke, but there were eighty substantial old citizens and property holders ; ninety per cent of them had lived in the country from twenty to fifty years and never were honored before in a political way as a candidate for any office, and the word 'Alternate' looked just as good to them as the word "Delegate'. The ticket here presented was voted upon this day; it is number twenty, or the twentieth bal- lot that was cast on that day. It was about twenty years ago, and, strange to say, in look- ing over the list of names printed on the ticket, fifty-five of them have passed into the world beyond : ' ' REGULAR REPUBLICAN DELEGATE TICKET Twenty-eighth Ward FOURTH PRIMARY DISTRICT Precincts 4th, 5th and 8th. Polling Place 2037 Thirty-eighth Street Polls Open Wednesday, October 2nd, from 1 to 7 P. M. Delegate JOHN J. McKENNA. Alternates Thos. Rankin, M. K. Deal, Edward Brandt, John McKay, ALTERNATES' DAY 185 John Shellbamer, John Cusick, David Burnham, Joseph Boufford, Joseph Emond, J. F. Rhodes, John L. Baker, Michael Donley, James Shatkey, Octave Boufford, Joseph Butler, Charles Armstrong, Isadore Leabeau, Chester Buffington, Ed. Francis, Frank Irwin, T. Moran, Joseph Cunningham, John R. Lauery, John Fox, John McGrath, R. Travis, James Burnhill, George Irwin, A. Lynch, James Leggate, D. F. O'Neill, Richard Shaw, William Lenze, Frank O'Neill, Ed. Stone, Daniel H. Crane, Henry Volk, J. R. Wiggins, David A. Baker, Alfred Boufford, Robert Brandt, William Boxley, James Lynch, Jacobs Frank, Thos. Younghusband, William Daniels, John Pauliott, William Goodfriend, William Boxley, Louis Williams, Chas. Conrodice, Frank Kupsheiver, James MacLaughlin, D. E. Mullen, M. Beichold, Ed. Neary, Jos. Caulombe, Gustave Endler, John Dooner, Joseph Couerville, John Noonan, Wm. J. McKenna, Michael Foley, Henry Doerr, William Burns, Christ Heise, William Wibberley, Robert McKay, 186 McKENNA's STORIES P. Cassidy, Frank McGuire, William McKenna, S. Englender, P. Hilb, D. Saporia, Charles Snider, C. Chadow, R. S. Hellyer, Lewis Mattson. A. T. Irwin, W. A. Chadow, But that day their enthusiasm was so great, and they worked so hard, they brought to the polls and voted more persons as Repub- licans, in those three precincts mentioned than there lived in the entire Twenty-eighth Ward. As they received their blue tickets for the gal- lery of the convention to be held on the follow- ing day, Napoleon's old guard was never as happy after victory as were those alternates after their victory. "Their battle cry was: 'Did we win? Well, well, well, I should say we did!' When Judge Carter looked at the ticket he shook his head and said: 'Too much alternate' and he had the law changed to read 'One alternate for one delegate'. "But with all that, McKenna, those were the days of real sport in politics, when everybody in the neighborhood took a part and thought they had something to say in the management of their party affairs. And there ye have it. ' ' M'KENNA'S CANDIDACY FOR CHAPLAIN. "Begorra, Devlin," says Barney O'Flynn, "McKenna is all right while he sticks to his alternates arid the primary elections, but on the occasion I have in mind he met his Waterloo. It was in Springfield, Illinois, at the session of the Forty-third General Assembly. I will never forget the time. John C. Righeimer and Al Houseman, two of the leading buffet owners of Chicago, had cards printed announcing Mac's candidacy for Chaplain of the House of Repre- sentatives. The campaign became that warm during the first three nights of the canvass that the lights in the saloons in Springfield were kept going in full blast during the whole of three nights. It made my job as air inlet in- spector of the Forty-third General Assembly a very unpleasant task. The duty of an air inlet inspector was to see that sufficient air was per- mitted to circulate throughout the assembly room for the comfort of the members. It was the divil of a task to satisfy them. There were the wet members, and they would be so warmed 188 McKENNA's STORIES up after their night's canvass that you could not furnish air enough to cool them off, while the drys kept up the cry : * Shut off the air you have us perished with the cold.' ''Well, sir, it was hard to please them. No matter what you did you were in danger of offending some one of them. It was like the job my friend Ned Hayes had below in the tun- nel. Says Ned, 'I have what they call a po- litical job inspecting below in the tunnel where there is but very little room. They have there at pulling the little car a Jack that kicks at one end and bites at the other, and, begorra', says Ned, 'no matter which way I turn my life is in danger'. And so it was with me, for no matter what move I made to supply them with fresh air, my job was in jeopardy. "Anyhow, I was as well pleased as any one of them when the announcement came of Mc- Kenna's withdrawal as candidate for chaplain, for if his campaign managers were to keep the members out a few nights more I would have lost my job as air inlet inspector. My job, in real plain language, was raising and lowering the windows, but the title air inlet inspector gave tone to the job; like corn doctors and nail trimmers they call themselves chiropodists and manicurists. "Well, sir, politics is very deceiving. From all appearance at the time, everything was in McKenna's favor. All the Chicago newspapers had headlines announcing his canvass. His SHAKE HANDS MAKE No PROMISES 189 campaign managers and all the horse racing men that were in town were trying to outdo each other in the buying of drinks for his suc- cess. This campaign was the talk of the town. There never was as much money spent or as many drinks bought before on the occasion of a chaplain being selected. Every saloon keeper in town was with him, for, as they said, 'he was the only candidate for chaplain that was around to see them '. He had the veterans of the Span- ish-American war with him. The card announc- ing his candidacy won for him the approval of all the labor organizations, as it had the union label on it as big as a horseshoe. Some of the opposition at the time said, for a person that did as little work in his day as he did, he made a great display of his generosity in the use of the union label. Anyhow, his campaign man- agers, Righeimer and Houseman, with the as- sistance of William J. Cooke, the then superin- tendent of the West Park system, left nothing undone to bring about success for him. At the head of the Democratic members they marched up the street from the St. Nicholas to the Le- land Hotel, there to join hands with the Repub- lican members in making his selection a non- partisan affair. 1 ' To the strangers and visitors in town things were looking very strange, as there was a lot of stage money being passed around very care- lessly in the corridors of the hotels. To some of the new members and visitors in town who were 190 McKENNA's STORIES not on, it was very suspicious looking. And, as it went the rounds from one to the other, the promoters would say: 'Use all of it you can, but use it judiciously'. "The Eev. Mr. Turner, the Methodist Church candidate, had his card announcing that he was a Methodist and a Eepublican for the past for- ty-six years, but he had forgot to have the union label put on his card. When he saw the stage money passing hands, he said with sarcasm: 'I would like to hear that gentleman recite the prayer that makes him so popular'. "The Eev. Mr. Bradford of the Presbyterian Church, who had been chaplain for years and who knew what little pay there was in it for the service rendered, looked with contempt on the men that were distributing money for a position with so little pay attached to it. "Anyhow, there must be an end to every- thing, and so it was with this. The canvass be- came so warm and the managers so enthusiastic and careless in the use of the stage money, that the question of 'denomination' came up for dis- cussion and consideration; and here is where Mac met his Waterloo. His only record was a camp meeting record, and when he answered the inquiry as to the kind of a prayer he would recite if he was selected, his answer was his downfall. He said that when he would hear a. bill read, and seeing from where it came, he could tell if prayer alone could save it. This offended one of the celebrated members from SHAKE HANDS MAKE No PROMISES 191 Chicago, Gus Nohe. He immediately jumped up and cried out: 'Mr. Speaker, I demand the withdrawal of that candidate's name, or I will move that a committee be appointed to investi- gate his camp meeting record. That man,' said Nohe, 'is like Billy Sunday, for he is trying to make religion pay, and should not be encour- aged.' "I saw right off the reel that the jig was up. I didn't blame McKenna for his sudden with- drawal, as Nohe would have had the committee appointed for investigation. Not that I mean to say that anything wrong would be found in Mac's camp meeting record, but, as Barney Mulligan says, ' Safety first always '. "And the saddest part of this tale is that neither of the candidates in the contest for chaplain succeeded, as John H. Miller of Ham- ilton county was elected Speaker of the House and brought with him the Rev. M. N. Powers to do the job." "TIMES ARE CHANGED" DWYER TO MAC. "Begorra, McKenna," said Dennis Dwyer, president of the Thirty-fifth Precinct Bepub- lican Club, "there's a great change come over the population of Chicago. It's the divil to think of it. There was a time when a man walking or riding through the streets of Chi- cago, with every face you'd meet looking so fa- miliar, you'd think you were acquainted, and, as you passed by, it would be a 'How dy', or a nod at least. But now, in your travels, your eyes are strained and your neck crimped look- ing to see if there are any of them who pass you by that remind you of any person you ever saw, but divil the one in ten thousand of them did you ever see signs or tidin 's of before. "With all the war talk and killing that we read about you would wonder where the divil they all come from, but they're here, however they get here. And they've their votin' papers and are asking 194 McKENNA's STORIES questions of information and raisin' points of orders at our meetings. "But it's a bad wind that's not favorable to some one. Anyhow, I find that in the Thirty- fifth Precinct Club, with the exception of about six of us Irishmen, the club has a majority of foreigners. And it's the divil to keep them in the minority. "This war has brought a change over them all. Before the war we could hold the Bohe- mians and the Germans on the personal liberty question, but since the war began they are at swords' points. "The Jews and the regular Russians, we could always depend on keepin' them on oppo- site sides through natural prejudices, but since the Eussian revolution they are huggin' one another, and it's the divil to manage them now. Foreigners are all right, Mac, when you have them educated to know they are in the minority, but when they learn they are in the majority you have to be buying them drinks all the time to keep harmony in the club. "We near ended in a row at our last meeting. There came up the question as to whether Pat- rick Price or one of the foreigners should be endorsed by the club for an appointment in the Water Pipe Extension Department. They had us beat by one vote, so all that was left for me to do was to declare the motion out of order. Then the row commenced. Up jumped little Jimmy Dugan with the flag in his hand, wav- TIMES ABE CHANGED 195 ing it, and said he, 'This is no time for disloy- alty or disunion. ' And with that up jumped one of the foreigners to object, seconded by another, saying, 'Ye are using the flag for "advanta- geous purposes",' whatever that means. "This was our chance. Dugan said, 'Men usin' that language against the flag at this time are disloyal and not fit for membership in the Thirty-fifth Precinct Club.' And without fur- ther debate I put the motion and Dugan sec- onded it. We suspended both of the objectors from membership in the club. This gave us a majority of one vote and saved the day for Pat Price. Anyhow, everything is fair in love and war. ' ' MEMBERS OF SUN WORSHIPERS' CLUB IN CONFAB. "By dad," says Mulligan to Ryan, "we are the lucky men that got away with our summer discourses below at the park, without some of the chaps being interned." "Well," says Dougherty, "if it was not for me, you would not have that story to tell now. I see it comin' many's the time, in the argu- ments, especially when the strange debaters put in appearance. I could see them egging on for an argument that no good would come out of. But I soon shut them up; no religious or war talk here, says I ; and that in a way which they knew was in earnest. That's what saved them many's the time." "Anyhow, did you ever notice," says ould Anthony Devlin, "the amount of good and bad that can be said about the women without bring- in' up a cross word. You can go in a crowd of min and praise the ould women up to the ninety- nines, and then end in a 'but '; then go as far as you like the other way; and in both ways 198 MCKENNA'S STORIES every man present seems to enjoy and assent by the nod of the head to every word that is said. "Divil any other subject do I know of that will stand for that kind of argument. If you would try it out on religion, or war, you would see the coats comin' off before the subject would be rightly started. Will some of ye tell me the reason of this ? ' ' ''Well, sor," says Barney O'Flynn, "there's nothing strange in that, for a divil another sub- ject on earth but the women can so much good and bad be said of them and still be tellin' the thruth all the time so there's your answer." "Anny way," says Pat Price, "Ryan, with his statistics, his Daily News Almanac, Shake- speare's works and his Bible, could furnish ar- gument enough to keep the whole townland ar- guin' until Doomsday. "Ryan," says Price, "is like all the other remedy substituters they name all the ills mankind is subjected to. It sounds well while you're listenin' to it; but whin it's over you will find divil a thing you were told of but what you knew all about; and then they always finish be- fore telling of the cure, or when, where, and how it's going to take place and there it is for you ! ' ' "At any rate," says ould Dougherty, "wit' politics you must first have the money or you are making no display. And, as Con O'Brien says, 'first seek ye the money, then the commit- THEY ALL HAVE THEIR SAY 199 teeman and all things else in politics will fol- low.' But you might have all the good inten- tions in the world, and if ye didn't have the committeemen, y're talkin' to strangers, for this is the thrick in the trade. The county com- mitteeman, the state committeeman, and the national committeeman they select the po- litical feed that's presented to y.e at the pri- maries an' elections, when they have everything well prepared. Then ye are invited to partici- pate. If ye don't like the feed in one party, ye can go to the other; but ye '11 find whichever feed you sit down to, the selection of the feed was made by the committeeman long before ye were invited to participate. And anny man now with half an eye in his head can see that for many years to come, aither the Kepublican party or the Democratic party will continue to make the laws. And, as Mrs. Jim Kennedy, the suffragette, says: 'We know what we want not what ye tell us we want.' And annyhow, our government is but a reflection of the people, and in many parts of the country the reflections are very funny an' there ye have it!" "Well," says Ryan, "that's all right, but our plan of government is big enough and broad enough to regulate and control every condition that will be for the good of any honest man. An', begorra, statistics show that it cost an army of lives to get what we have got. And every man, or set of men, that have the nerve to organize anny ism of any kind that would 200 MCKENNA'S STORIES advocate the substitution of army plan of gov- ernment, or anny flag but our flag, should be in- terned for instructions; and laws should be made to make it a crime to do so. That kind of goin's on is not freedom, and it should be put a stop to. For anny condition permitted to grow unrestricted once it has grown up it's hard work to destroy it, whether it's for good or evil. "You don't have to change your religion, or your nationality to become a citizen and partici- pator in our plan of government. Some are born into it, and others voluntary, with their hands raised up to their God, promise to for- sake all other kinds of political government, and support and defend our plan ; and many of them no sooner have had their papers givin' them the right to participate in our govern- ment, than they start organizing ' isms ' that aim at the destruction of the plan of government that they had sworn to defend. "Now's the time to put a stop to all this. Let Congress get busy. This is our plan of govern- ment, the stars and stripes represent it. ' ' And, as Anthony Devlin says, in some parts of Ireland when a man dies they have singin' and all kinds of merriment goin' on; and, in some other parts of Ireland, when a man dies they have great lamentations and crying goin' on. Well, sir, a towney of Devlin's got into a wake-house out at the town of Lemont, Illinois. He set up his singin' and merry-makin' the THEY ALL HAVE THEIR SAY 201 same as they did in his part of Ireland when wakin' the corpse of a friend. ''The result was, in come big Dan Kelly, and, when he heard Devlin's friend singin' and mak- in' merry he gave him a fierce look he knew he was in wrong. The wake-house was one of thim little frame buildin's built by the owner of a stone quarry at Lemont, 111. Well, sir, big Dan took hold of Devlin's friend by the coat collar and the seat of the trousers and threw him out through the window. 'There,' said he, 'wait until some one of your own kind dies be- fore startin' up thim kind of didos.' And that's what this government ought to do immediately with all kinds of political 'isms' whose aims are to supplant our plan of government and its flag. An' there ye have it!" A CHRISTMAS WAKE STORY FROM THE BRIGHTON. "Well, sir, McKenna," says Pat Price, "your friend, Willum McCarthy, the former mimbir of the Legislature from the West Side, was payin' a visit out to Brighton to an ould ac- quaintance of his and mine. "I nivir knew it before, but that McCarthy is a regular play actor, and with his goings on he near broke up a wake out here at Brighton last week. I was tellin' him of the death of an ould acquaintance of his from the West Side. Says I to him, ' take a walk with me over to the wake house; you know the folks well and they'll be glad to see you. ' Well, sir, we wint over to the wake house and after offering our condolence to the family and sayin' a patterin' aavee for the soul of the deceased we went into an adjoin- ing room. There was a large gatherin' of people there and over to wan side, where we took seats, was five or six Fardowns section men from the Chicago & Alton Railroad, seated there. One 204 MCKENNA'S STORIES of thim was relatin' one of thim ghost stories that are so familiar to their part of Ireland. Well, sir, the man that was tellin' the story was so wrought up with entoosyism and earnestness of the tale, that he had the others in a spell listenin' to him relatin' the tale. It was con- sarnin' some murdhering evint that occurred in some place in the north of Ireland, with which they all seemed acquainted. Anyhow, from what I heard of it, the murdhering deed was done with a large pavin' bowlder and a sivin-pound sledge hammer. "It took place on the road side, betchune two town lands, and it was a very lonely spot. On wan side of the road was a lough or slough ov pond, as you'd call it, and on the other side of the road was a woodland, makin' it a very dark and lonely spot. "Well, sir, when the corpse of the murdhered man was found by a farmer's hired man on the followin' mornin', a great hue and cry wint up among the people. They gathered there from all parts. Anyhow, the first thought that came into their minds was to try and learn the cause, and as to with what the deed was done. Every spot and place was rummaged to find some evi- dince. There was the dead man lyin' with his head batthered in and a large scar on the side of his face. After ramsackin' iviry thing and place for several hours, they were about to give up, whin along comes his riverince, the parish MCCARTHY IN DOUBT 205 priest ; they tould him av all the work they had done in tryin' to find what caused the man's death and how they were about to give it up and go home. ' First and foremost', says his river- ince, 'let ye kneel down and say a prayer for the repose of the poor man's soul.' Well, sir, after the third patterin' aavee a little town cob- bler by the name of Owen Bree, that was on his knees on the side of the road furninst the lough, or pond, jumped to his feet and let a cry out of him: ' What's that, man!' says he, 'what's that 1 ?' pointin' out in the lough, or pond. There it was for you to see as plain as the nose on your face, the large paving bowlder and the sledge hammer, floatin' around and around on the top of the wather. Well, they all see it and then they all said: 'Amen' and stood up, with their eyes fixed on the sight! There was the large bowlder and the sivin-pound iron sledge hammer floatin' around and around on the top of the wather! "When it came over furninst thim, the good priest stepped forward and then callin' to the little cobbler, said his riverince: 'When it comes furninst you, do you bring them to shore.' Well, sir, lo and behold you, he did. There was the blood on the rock and also on the hammer! 'There now', says the good priest, 'there's your answer*. "Now, thin, for the ones that committed the dastardly deed. Well( McKenna, here's where your friend McCarthy near broke up the wake. 206 MCKENNA'S STOKIES As these min that were listenin' to the story were in the back room and did not see McCar- thy come into the presence of the corpse, they had no knowledge as to whether McCarthy was left handed or not. Thin, whin in the most ex- citin' and interestin' point of the tale, McCar- thy, interrupts the story and here's where he becomes the play actor. McCarthy puts his hand into his vest pocket, takes from it a case, and from the case he takes the single eyeglass, puts it over the one eye, and said he, interrupt- in' the story teller and looking up straight into his face said McCarthy: "I beg your pardon, old top, did I understand you to say that this was a large bowlder stone!' 'That's what you did,' said the story teller. 'By jove, I beg your pardon again, old chap, did I understand you to say that this large stone was floatin' around and around on the top of the pool 1 ?' 'That's what I'm tellin' you again,' was the answer of the story teller. McCarthy now begins puttin' it on a little stronger, and again said: 'By jove, old top, did I understand you to say that this was a seven-pound hammer and that it kept floating around and around on the top of the water?' 'That's what I'm tellin' you, sir,' was the answer. Then said McCarthy: 'I say, old top, impossible! impossible! You know that that is a scientific impossibility, old chap. ' Just then McCarthy see the son of the deceased ap- proaching and McCarthy stepped forward to condole with him and left the story teller. The MCCARTHY IN DOUBT 207 Fardown who was tellin' the story was dum- founded. Said he, very sarcastically: 'Who the h is that fellow, anyhow? Lord, be good to Larry anyway, but I never knew he had any acquaintance like that.' 'No,' said one of the others, 'he is an acquaintance of the son.' 'There it is for you,' said the story teller, 'the risin' gineration, the divil the thing do they believe or have they on their mind but the wom- en and the baseball.' 'True for you,' said an- other, 'for I heard Larry's son tell that chap as how some Eddie Collins, a ball player, hit the ball so hard that it went so fast that it set the grass on fire. He believed that, for he replied : "Very clever, very clever; a good hit". And there you have it, but divil a bit of religion is in them. Let's all go out and take a punch at him for spoiling the story,' but McCarthy was gone. ' ' THEY HAVE GOT RYAN GUESSING. "Well, well, McKenna," says Nicholas Ryan, ' now that young Garfield has arranged it so for the next six Mondays, that I will have nothing to do but talk, I'm going to tell you something. "I have been livin' in and around Chicago for more than the past fifty years, and with all the goings on they do be liavin' it's got me thinkin', but, I 'm like Barney 'Flynn was, when he was attending tjie political meeting where the can- didate for Alderman was relating all the things he would do, if the people in their wisdom should select him to represent them in the City Council. " 'Well, well', says Barney, talking to him- self while smokin' the pipe, and noddin' the head up and down, 'well, well,' says he again. 'I've heard the likes of that manys and manys the time before,' and so 'tis with all the goings on they do be havin' and the sayings they do be havin' about one another" it has me guessin' as to what is true and what is not true, and it's got to this now, that you can hardly believe any- thing you hear as a certainty, until you hear from the other fellow. 'Well, sir, whin I was a kid about the city, manys the year ago, you could take a walk about on a Sunday, and visit the numerous small churches we then had in those days, and where tlio competition was great to get members. Well, sir, to listen to the preachers of the dif- 210 MCKENNA'S STORIES ferent denominations tell what they thought of persons that belonged to denominations differ- ent from theirs and to where they would go to when the undertakers called for them, was amusin'. This was before Henry Ward Beecher took hell out of religion. At any rate there was a warm reception predicted. Well, sir if what they all said of one another was true, to an out- sider, after listenin' to all sides, you would come to the conclusion and say to yourself, 'now there 's a bunch ; if what they say of one another is all true, the divil is going to be a busy man'. But this was in the ould days before immigra- tion and population was as extensive as it is to- day. There's women enough now-a-days to fill all the seats in the churches, and most men of today have got whatever religious views they have in their wives' names. And there it's for you. "But this is not what I started out to talk to you about, but it is along the same lines. I have been reading the newspapers and listenin' to political orators and reformers, progressive and digressive, if you wish, for the rrtanys and manys the year and what I want to say is this : if one-thousandth part of what has been said and published and promised was ever done, what a trial balance it would make. "If, all of what they tell, was plundered from the tax payers is really true, what I'm thinkin' of, what a really tough animal he is to be able to bear up with it all, and if all the promises of GOT RYAN GUESSING 211 reductions and benefits that the same tax pay- ers have been promised by opposing parties and reforming associations for their support in adoptin' their policies, was delivered to them as promised, they would now be receiving prem- iums on their holdings, instead of paying a tax. 'But there you are again', as O'Flynn says, 'we've heard the likes of that manys and manys the time before.' "But with all this, we are still here and seemingly thriving. After making our selec- tions of men to represent us, such as the oppos- ing parties tell us they are, nevertheless, here is where I am always satisfied and never disap- pointed in the men I vote for. You know, while I am only a tax payer, I am a consistent Repub- lican, but I still make it a point to get my in- formation concerning the reputation and char- acter of the candidates of my party from the opposing sides, never from my own side, and here is where I get my contintment ; for no mat- ter how big a rogue my party candidate turns out to be ? he is never one-tenth as bad as I had been informed he was, when he was the candi- date ; so you see I am never disappointed. When I want information concerning the candidate of the opposing parties I have my friend O'Flynn attend the meeting of my own party, and then get O'Flynn to relate to me what was said of the men that are candidates on the opposing side. Then I laugh and laugh and when elec-* tion day comes I put my cross in the circle at 212 MCKENNA'S STORIES the head of my own ticket and say to myself, as between two evils, the divil I know is better than the divil I don't know. And there it's for you. "It seems as though at election times it is permissible to tell the truth about one another and that, too, without any one takin' it as a very grave offense. For, by golly, McKenna, it would be a grave yard offinse to mention some of the things they say about each other except at election time, but as I am tellin' you, a good safe bet is to always get the reputation and character of your party candidate from the op- posing side. He may turn out to be a wrong one, but from what you have heard of him be- forehand, your only surprise will be that he wasn't worse. "And there vou have it." OLD ANTHONY DEVLIN AIRS HIS VIEWS. "Well, sir, McKenna," says old Devlin, "we now have the wheatless day, the meatless day, and the porkless day; then the loafin' Mondays. Well, sir, we ought to be able to win this war aisy with all these auxiliaries. "But I was thinkin' if they only put hell back into religion until the war is over, an' let the preachers set in on some of their old-fashioned sermons on 'Hell,' they could make it so warm for their hearers of a Sunday that they might dispense with the use of coal altogether in the .churches; for in some of them good old-fash- ioned talks on the 'Intensity of the Heat of Hell's Fire,' they could start the perspiration flowing down the brow of the chilliest old lady in the parish at a temperature of seven de- grees below zero. "This would be another great adjunct in helping win the war. "Mr. Baker, the man that is doin' the trick, would approve of this, for he knows 'tis like the sayin' in the Good Book on the winning of sal- vation, 'you may have,' says the Good Book, 'faith that would move mountains, but if you have not charity it will avail you nothing.' And so it is, you might refrain from the use of pork, an' you might mix your wheat with chaff, an' ye might heat your body on the thoughts of hell fire; but if you'll not hold your tongue, all of this will avail you naught. Now, 214 MCKENNA'S STORIES there it is for you ! The talkless day is what we want, to insure the winnin' of the war. 1 'It was too much talk that brought the war on, and when they stopped shootin' and went to talkin', the Czar of all the Russias lost his good job; and' it's too much talkin' now that is keep- in' them from getting a substitute for the Czar. "What we want now is to be in the position of the old sea captain and the sailors; there came up a big storm. Well, things looked bad. Some old ladies that were on the boat asked the captain, * Would it not be a good thing to say some prayers now!' 'Oh,' says the captain, 'order the men aloft; we have done our pray- ing before this storm took place. What we want now is to take care of the rigging.' And so it is with us. We have had plenty of time for talks, and sure enough we did talk and plenty of it. "But the kind of talk that some of them are giving nowdays, you could borrow very little money on it at Barney Mulligan's bank. "So, I say, you might fast until all the trusts would go broke; but if you don't hold your tongue, all things else that you do will count for naught. "The men that are in the places where they see and know, from the best authority, and guided by men of experience as to what is needed, let them act and be guided by their say- so else all your other work will be in vain; for men who will stop to argue with their general DEVLIN AIRS His VIEWS 215 as to the best way they think things ought to be done, will never win a fight. "Now, the men that have got this war in hand, guiding the interests of America, we must take it for granted that they knew what they were at when they went to it. It's their job now to make a success of it. There's no brakes on them. The money, the resources, the lives, and the good-will of the nation is at their command ; their part is but to order. And our part is to act the part of Alderman Duffy's constituents. When he would say, 'Am I right, boys?' they would unanimously answer, 'You are right, Duffy.' And he would reply, 'You know right well I am right.' That's the only kind of spirit and talk that will win the war. For it's not your stomachs that you're going to win this war with, but your brains. "We will have lots of time to discuss this war when it's over; the die is cast now. The men that have the job now in hand must finish it. Success or failure will be the answer. We have done our part through our representatives. We have offered all we have got our property and lives are at their command. We have done our part; we could have done no more. It's gone past the prayin' time now. And so I'm tellin' ye: one talkless day will count as much as ten eatless days in winning this war and there it is for you ! "We now are in the fight; and as Barney 'Flynn said when he had a fight with a Dutch- 216 MCKENNA'S STORIES man, the agreement was, when the one that was licked would say aloud * Sufficiency', that was to end it. Well, sir, the Dutchman had Barney down and was b'ating him until he tired himself out, but O'Flynn forgot the word 'Sufficiency' and finally, when O'Flynn again came to and was pounding away at the Dutchman, to his sur- prise the Dutchman cried aloud, 'Sufficiency.' Begorra, says O'Flynn, that's good! If I could have thought of that word hours ago, you would have had me b'at. So that's all the talk we want now to say nothing, but fight on until someone says 'Sufficiency' good and loud; and there you have it." THE OLD DAYS IN HALSTED STREET. ''Well, sir, McKenna," says Jerry Duggan, "I enjoyed your Christmas wake story concern- ing your friend 'Willum' McCarthy, the former member of the legislature from the West Side, and the far-down section men from the Chicago & Alton Railroad. Anyhow, that McCarthy, when he puts the one eyeglass on, he can take oft' an Englishman better than anyone I ever see. But if them far-downs knew that his name was McCarthy when he questioned the possi- bility of that sivin-pound iron hammer and the large boulder stone that they said was seen floating around and around on the top of the waters, as they were describing it in the fairy story they were telling of ancient Irish days, McCarthy's life would have been in danger, wake or no wake. " 'Well sir, McKenna,' I could tell you av a story av that same 'Willum' McCarthy with his tricks; and every word I'm telling you is true. When I first come to this country as a green- horn, as them laddy-bucks nicked me, I was stopping with a first cousin of mine, one Jim Carey, that was keeping a tavern in Halsted street south av Harrison street. Jim was some- what av a sport, and his place was the resort of the young men and of many av the old men in those days. "There was very few foreigners living in that neighborhood in those days, with the exception of a few Bohemians and Germans ; the popula- 218 MCKENNA'S STORIES tion was made up mostly of all Irish people. Anyhow, the young men that congregated at Jim's place were always up to all kinds of thricks, and out for all kinds av fun. 1 i Whatever they did in the daytime for a live- lihood I don't know, but when you'd see them av an evening, the way they were dressed up and the careless way in which they separated themselves from their money, they reminded me av estated meus' sons in the ould country. "Well sir, Carey had two special ould f rinds, one av them was Rolff, the butcher. He kept a shop in Halsted street, close to Jim Carey. The other was Dan Kellilier, the groceryman, also a neighbor. Anyhow, the story I'm going to tell you is consarnin' McCarthy, Jim Carey, Rolff the butcher, Dan Kellilier and some others. Mc- Carthy always saluted Carey as the knight av the spoon and strainer. Well, Jim was as full av thricks as any av them. "Well, sir, this part av the story that I'm go- in' to tell you about happened one night, far from the shank av the evening, or about closing time, and it was in the fall av the year. "There was a big County Mayo policeman who traveled beat at that point: he just slipped in the back way and into the bar-room ; no one was present but Jim Carey, myself, and Dan Kellilier. Well sir, the officer whispered to Jim to be careful ; close up on time, said he. Av course this meant a sup for the officer; then it would be out the back way again with him. But OLD DAYS IN HALSTED STREET 219 no, not so this time for just as he had finished his sup, open came the front door and in came McCarthy. ' ' Now, McCarthy, in a very dignified manner, exclaimed, 'Good-evening, everybody!' Mr. Carey, said McCarthy, just serve us a little moisture, and give the officer here a little of the wild cow's milk, for the night is cold and long; and, Mr. Carey, serve this other gentleman with his choice of your many and necessary bever- ages, and do not forget yourself ! 11 'Now, then,' said McCarthy, 'now that we are all set, we will proceed with the case before the bar, and when disposed of, bring in the next case.' "Here, McCarthy, was interrupted by Jim Carey. Carey now, is in for thricks. I want to introduce to you gentlemen, Dr. McCarthy, who is a young graduate from Rush Medical College and who resides in our neighborhood. McCar- thy was on in a minute. McCarthy now shakes hands with Dan Kelliher, the groceryman, and next with the big County Mayo policeman and there is where McCarthy begins his thricks. As he held the policeman's elapsed hand, he looked up into the big policeman's face, and said he, 'Officer, do you know that you have a torpid liver? I presume you do, said McCarthy.' 'T do not and what is that, said the officer!' 'That is now, said Dr. McCarthy, a liver that is coat- ed with a foreign substance which does not be- long there.' "By this time, they all had seven or eight 220 MCKENNA'S STORIES sups taken, and the officer took the wild cow's milk each time. And going on with the subject, McCarthy said: 'When in a healthy condition, 'twill not appear there; and a torpid liver is caused by the excessive use of alcohol and may become corrosive or enlarged, which may cause the demise of the victim. By the way, ' said Mc- Carthy to Jim Carey, 'be a good Samaritan and hereafter don't serve the officer with that strong- liquor just let him have the milder kind, such as I take !' (It was all the same, but in a differ- ent bottle.) "By this time the wild cow's milk and the free examination is making the officer and Mc- Carthy very chummy. 'Mr. Carey,' said Mc- Carthy, 'the officer's case is a most interesting one and needs immediate attention!' "The officer was big enough to pull a ton of hay not a thing ailed him, except too much of the wild cow's milk and all the free information that he thought he was getting from the doctor. "After another drink from the doctor's bot- tle, he wanted more information concerning the case. 'Well,' said McCarthy, 'if there is not any objection to any of the few here present, friend Carey can lock the doors, and, by the way, you just strip to the waist; I will explain to you as I go along in a careful examination.' "Well, he did; and the examination went on, and during the examination, McCarthy had the officer drink three glasses of cold ice water while he held his ear pressed to the big officer's breast. Everything was explained as the examination OLD DAYS IN HALSTED STBEET 221 went on, and at the finish McCarthy very mod- estly explained to the officer that he also dis- covered that the officer was afflicted with a float- ing kidney. 1 'Now, with all this information the cold ice water, the long intermission between drinks, and all this serious information as big and as strong as the officer was, he loked faint and ex- cited. "As he was getting into his clothes he said, where is your office, doctor! Here Carey replied that the doctor is about to open an office in the Reaper block, Clark and Washington streets, and you ought to see him at your earliest con- venience. 'Jim,' says the officer, 'I will if the Lord spares me till next week.' "Doctor, have you any patients in the neighborhood ?' said the officer. Carey interrupts by saying yes, he has several, and he is just back now from a case where he sewed fourteen stitches in a man's head over on Polk and Morgan street. At this then, the officer's curiosity was aroused. "He now takes Carey aside and asked Carey what happened to the man? Carey whispered: told him that the man was hit on the head with a butcher's cleaver in the hands of Rolff, the butcher. Now, Rolff, as I told you at the begin- ning, was one of Carey's best cronies. "Here, McCarthy ordered another round of moisture, after which, the officer whispered to Carey to let him out the back door. 'Don't for- get the closing time,' said the officer it was 222 MCKENNA'S STORIES then one hour past the time and, 'Good-night, doctor' said he, 'I will see you next week if the Lord spares me.' "Then, what do you suppose the policeman did? Well, he pulled the box and reported to the station that a man was hit on the head with an ax, by Rolff, the butcher, and may die before morning and without further delay there be- gun an investigation. Most all of the available coppers donned citizens clothes and went in search of Rolff, the butcher. After an hour's search they found him at the Valwrwortz mas- querade at Twelfth Street Turner Hall, and they took him away from his friends in his mas- querade outfit and locked him up. in the Twelfth Street Station. "His friends got busy and telephoned the captain, who arose from his bed and then and there began an investigation. They, of course, could find no one that was injured at Polk and Morgan streets, and they found that Rolff was at the Turner Hall since 8 o'clock P. M., and previous to this time was serving chops and weiners at his butcher shop. "When McCarthy heard of the developments he enjoyed it hugely. Carey felt different, as he did not think that the Mayo policeman would re- port the matter as stated, and get his friend and neighbor, Rolff, into trouble. "But that was not all ; the captain next morn- ing called to see Carey and asked him about where he got his information about Rolff hit- OLD DAYS IN HALSTED STREET 223 ting a man with an ax, and he also wanted to know where he could find the doctor that was supposed to have sewed up the wound. Well, any way there was not much hilarity around Carey's for several days and nights Rolff and Carey are now on the outs, and Dr. McCarthy can't be found." CONTINUATION OF OLD DAYS IN HALSTED STREET. '' 'Well, McKenna,' said Jerry Duggan, 'I will now finish my story consarnin' your friend Willum McCarthy and Jim Carey and the gang that held fort at Jim Carey 's in Halsted street ; and before I'm forgettin' myself I must tell you of Dan Kelliher, the groceryman. As I told you in my last story, Dan was present the night Mc- Carthy examined the big Mayo policeman ; and you see, McCarthy made such an impression on Dan by the Clever manner in which he examined the big policeman that he called to see Carey a few nights afterward, and in the conversation he had with Carey he was saying what a fine young doctor that McCarthy was, and, said he, 'If ever I am sick I will have McCarthy as my doctor, you can bet your life on that.' And while Kelliher was talking to Carey, in walked McCarthy. Kelliher greeted Mm by sayin,' Talk of the devil and he will always appear.' McCarthy laughed and said, 'Mr. Kelliher, your name has been mentioned as a member of the C. G. R. A., and we will be glad to have you as one of its members and, I might say, a leading 224 MCKENNA'S STORIES member.' 'And what is the C. G. E. A.?' said Kelliher. 'Why, said McCarthy, it is an organi- zation for the improvement of mankind general- ly.' 'All right,' says Kelliher, I am always in for anything like that. What would be the cost per year for joining it? Oh, said McCarthy, just a trifle a ten-dollar bill will cover the cost for a year. Well, I will join it ; and I might as well hand you the ten dollars as we are here and he handed over the ten-dollar bill to Mc- Carthy. "Well, said McCarthy, we meet Friday night in the lodge hall in the rear. Well, to make a long story short, Friday night the gang was all there, with everything prepared to make Kelli- her 's initiation a memorable one. Everything was well prepared; McCarthy had borrowed a large white apron from Rolff, the butcher, for the occasion. He also purchased a large pig's heart and some other necessary tools for the event. Everything was in readiness, and Kelli- her was there and so was all the gang. "Before the meeting, McCarthy treated all the gang twice with Kelliher 's initiation fee money. Then they all marched into the hall and McCarthy took the gavel and acted as the chair- man. He had, posted on the wall behind his chair, a large drawing of the full anatomy of a man giving a Latin name after each organ. "And here McCarthy took a billiard cue into his hand and began pointing out each organ and its relation to the others and their natural con- nection. And as McCarthy was explaining, says OLD DAYS IN HALSTED STKEET 225 he : 4 If those organs are kept in a healthy con- dition, a man can live for a hundred years or more. ' ' ' Just then, three loud raps were heard on the side door. McCarthy is on, and gave the guards the order to admit those that sought admission. "The door was opened and two tall men en- tered with a supposed body of a dead man on their shoulders and brought it to a table pre- pared for its reception up at the side of the speaker's table. "When Kelliher saw this, he slowly raised to his feet and started for the door, but was inter- cepted by the guards, and he sat down. "You see, the supposed dead man was John Noonan, and he was wrapped in a blanket and you could not see any part of him but the top of his head and his bare feet. "No wonder poor Kelliher was nervous, he thinking that the man on the table was dead. "McCarthy here raps the table and said, 'Now, brothers, without further delay we will proceed to dissect this splendid subject, which has been taken from one of o