r UNlVl.h^lir OF CALIfORNIA SAN DIEGO 1 A New Collection of Sayings, Essays and Stories by Abe Martin, Together With a Free and Full Discussion of the Suffrage Question From Every Angle by Such Eminent Minds as Mame Moon, Fawn Lippincut, Tawney Apple, Germ Williams, Mrs. Tilford Moots, Hon. Ex- editur Cale Fluhart, Ez Pash, Etc., Etc., Etc. Illustrated by the Author ABE MARTIN PUBLISHING COMPANY INDIANAPOLIS ONE DOLLAR NET To my friend, Frank E. (Pinky) Kerr, in memory of our old amateur show days back in Bellefontaine, Ohio. Our thanks are due The Indianapolis News and The American Magazine for permission to republish a part of the contents of this volume Abe Martin Of "BrcWn County, Indiana From a photograph taken day before yesterday ABE MARTIN'S Ez Pash says he allus hates t' break in a clean towel. No woman ever knows how many potatoes t' bake. It allus upsets some folks' plans t' pay fer anything. Nobuddy ever listened t' reason on a empty stomach. America is th' land o' opportunity Ambas- sador Whitelaw Reid came from Xenia, Ohio. * Ther hain't nothin' as annoyin' t' sensible folks as continuous applause. SHORT FURROWS Where's th' ole time girl that wuz allus promisin' t' have some pictures struck? Uncle Niles Turner's youngest grandson has been married almost two weeks an' still wears white shirts. Professor Alex Tansey has bought a new eighty-eight note player planner, an' he ex- pects t' pay ever' one o' them by July first. Too many speakers spoil th' banquet. Most anybuddy '11 take a umbreller 'cause they've had two er three stolen 'emselves. ABE MART IN'S Flattery won't hurt you if you don't swal- low it. It's better t' have loved an' lost than try t' pick out a gocart with your wife. A feller that fails in th' East would starve in th' West. It's no disgrace t' be poor, but it might as well be. Mrs. Edith Mopps an' her daughter Edythe Tuesdayed in Seymour. Folks that blurt out jist what they think wouldn' be so bad if they thought. SHORT FURROWS What's become o' th' feller that used t' chew a quill toothpick with a bubble on th' end? It seems like jist as soon as a woman be- comes a delegate t' somethin' her hair be- comes unmanageable. An all around feller gathers no moss. * A holiday is hardly worth th' energy it takes t' get back in th' harness agin. When you do find a boy that's tryin' t' git a education he seems t' think ever'buddy in th' world ought t' help him. (31 ABE MARTI N'S What's become o' th' old fashioned gentle- man with a plug hat an' a dirty shirt? Professor Alex Tansey says that his prin- cipal objection t' winter is that his hat is allus out o' date when he quits wearin' his cap. Nobuddy works as hard fer his money as th' feller that marries it. It hain't Been so long since a feller used t' say, "Why, I'd no more think o' doin' that than I'd think o' flyin'." Girls that violate all th' rules o' th' woman's page seem t' look th' swellest. SHORT FURROWS It seems like th' more shiftless a farmer is th' bigger he puts his name on his mail box. ABE MARTIN'S Nobuddy has a worse time at a party than th' feller with a pop'lar wife. Liver spots are almost unknown in dry towns. Some folks don't like nothin' better than t' describe somethin' that baffles description. Th' feller that asks fer a position haint look- in' fer work. After a feller gits all th' pins out o' a new shirt he's too tired t' dress up. SHORT FURROWS It seems like homely women are never at home. When you see how well some folks git along without workin' you're almost con- vinced ther's a Santy Claus. Jack Craw, who broke out of jail Saturday night, returned an' give himself up this morn- in' as he wuzn' makin' runnin' expenses. Ther hain't no favorites in th' school o' ex- perience. jh Most homely women make 'emselves home- lier by addin' some little touch t' keep from bein' so homely. ABE MARTI N'S Folks that er fond o' pets allus neglect 'em. Whom some folks would skin they first give a se-gar. Watchin' a cipher tryin' t' cut a figure is allus amusin'. A feller will quarrel with his wife at break- fast an' tip a waiter at noon. One o' th' most pop'lar brands o' insomnia is layin' awake tryin' t' figure out some way t' soak a railroad. SHORT FURROWS It's a wonder women don't shut th' car door occasionally jist t' show off. Ever'buddy thinks Pinky Kerr is sellin' minin' stock 'cause he's such a gentleman. Sendin' your folks away fer a few days is jist like equippin' a dramatic company. Competitors allus pr'tend t' think so much o' each other when they meet socially. ifc Th' feller without a education these days don't git much higher'n a county fair aviator. ABE MARTI N'S Somehow a toupee never looks th' part. Great men come an' go, but th' feller that looks like Bryan attracts as much attention as he ever did. SHORT FURROWS Lem Ackison Lem Ackison wuz th' best supernumerary actor I ever seen. Ever time a troupe come t' our town that had t' have some soldiers er a mob er a jury scene, Lem Ackison wuz on hand. He wuz jist a natural born super an' when he'd come aroun' t' Melodeon Hall on th' evenin' o' a show he'd burn a cork an' mark a big fierce mustache an' goatee on his face an' be ready fer business. Some great shows used t' be glad t' come t' our town in th' ole days. Ther wuz Hazel Kirke, Fogg's Ferry, Lights o' London, Th' Hidden Hand an' Th' Little Nugget. Th' Little Nugget used t' come four er five times Lem Ackison in Her Atone ABE MA RTIN'S a season an' allus turned people away. If you'd meet Manager Plum on th' street an' ask him what wuz comin' he'd git out a little book an' wipe his spectacles an' say, "Little Nudget, th' fifth an' sixth." It jist seemed like ever' time Th' Little Nugget got hard up it come back t' Melodeon Hall. Lem Ackison could play a wolf in th' sup- port o' Frank Mayo in Davy Crockett jist as easy as he could play a galley slave in A Cele- brated Case, but he confided t' me one time that a "pheasant" in Faust wuz his long suit. Lem's mother wuz a great student o' th' drammer, too, an' lived next door t' Melodeon Hall. When a play would come along that used a grandfather's clock she allus let th' manager have hers. When you went t' th' the-ater and seen her in th' front row o' th' parquet you knowed ther would be a grand- father's clock in th' play, an' if you seen a clock when th' curtain went up you knowed where t' look fer her. Lem Ackison drove a dray an' read Th' Clip- per when he wuzn* actin. One day a troupe SHORT FURROWS come t' town called Her Atonement. It car- ried a carload o' scenery, a drum corps, a brass band an' a E-flat cast. It wuz th' best chance Lem had ever had t' show his versatility. He played a soldier, a peasant, a newsboy, a pris- oner an' the foreman o' th' jury all with th' same fierce cork mustache an' goatee. He wuz so willin' that th' manager asked him t' join th' show. Th' show went from our town t' Xenia an' I'll never fergit th' stingin' cold January mornin' Lem drove down Main street perched high on a big load o' dingy, banged-up trunks an' scenery, smilin' from ear t' ear an' wavin' at ever'buddy he met. About a month later he come back wearin' a loud plaid cape overcoat an' a little brown derby hat with a three-quarter inch brim an' carryin' a black oilcloth valise with tin rosettes on th' sides an' "The-ater" pasted on one end. When Manager Plum asked him if he wuz goin' t' rejoin th' troupe he said, "Not on pur- pose." But th' funniest thing wuz when Ez Pash asked him what states he passed thro' an' he said, "How'd I know? We traveled at night." ABE MA RTIN'S Th' consumer pays th' travelin' man's tips. Mr. an' Mrs. Tipton Bud, who have been quarantined fer two weeks, have both applied fer a divorce. What's become o' all th' sensible young fel- lers that th' girls used t' call green? Ther hain't nothin' as deceivin' as a purty lead pencil. Ther's so blamed many perfect men an* women in th' country it's a wonder a couple o' 'em don't git married. SHORT FURROWS A married man allus has three times as many things t' carry on a rainy day. Nothin' makes a newspaper man as mad as havin' t' pay t' see somethin'. A touch is often worse than a knock. Folks that have ever'thing charged seem t' git all th' courtesies. Th' more cigarettes cost th' more they smell like a hot lead pencil eraser. ABE MARTI N'S A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays t' be one. Th' actin' marred a performance o' East Lynne at th' Melodeon Hall last night. Lafe Bud speaks three languages English, baseball an' dairy lunch. Constable Plum is shakin' hands fer re- election. It pays t' be honest, but it don't pay enough t' suit some fellers. SHORT FURROWS Nothin's as hard as goin' back t' work after you've been narrowly defeated fer a fat office. T'morrow is Mothers' Day, if she kin find somebuddy t' work in her place. Ther's lots o' difference between havin' money enough t' buy a tourin' car an' bein' able t' own one. Mrs. Tipton Bud is in town t'day t' hear her mother's will read an' may buy a tourin' car. Who remembers th' good ole times when Mabel an' Myrtle spent ther evenin's at home? ABE MARTI N'S Lafe Bud refused two good situations yis- terday t' accept a position. Constable Newt Plum, actin' manager o' Melodeon Hall, is lookin' fer a feller that don't know anybuddy t' take tickets. Anybuddy that's ever tried t' raise a garden knows why a hen crosses th' road. Speakin' o' scented talcum, Pinky Kerr says he prefers th' hardwood finish. It don't cost half as much t' live if you're anpopular. SHORT FURROWS What's become o' th' sweet, ole fashioned girl that used t' tag after her mother? A woman will skulk away an' droop when crossed in love an' fight t' th' last ditch t' git fifty-five clothes pins fer a dime. Some fellers haint ashamed t' go in a saloon, but they hate t' come out. Anything has t' be awful good t' be good enough fer th' money these days. [5] ABE MARTI N'S Constable Newt Plum says what he can't understand is how J. Bruce Ismay happened t' miss th' first three boats. Transparent hosiery haint doin' much t' boom th' straight an' narrow path. SHORT FURROWS Th' Grand Marshal A grand marshal is a feller who's too un- pop'lar t' hold a salaried office but who pos- sesses all th' essential qualifications o' a gilt edged general er a fiery rear-admiral. Grand marshals come in all shapes an' sizes, but a first-class A No. 1 grand marshal weighs two hundred an' fifty pounds an' kin wear any size helmet. He has a stiff, droopin' mustache like a sea lion, that not only gives him th' ap- pearance o' bein' a gentleman who is quick on th' trigger, but also serves as a never failin' soup strainer. An ideal grand marshal retires on th' evenin' precedin' th' day o' th' pe-rade at th' usual hour an' gits up in th' mornin' with th' Eng- lish sparrows an' squirms int' a glossy black suit an' shines his shoes with stove polish. After worryin' down a breakfast fcr a tiger he ABE MART IN'S shakes th' coffee grounds out o' his mustache an' summons his wife. Then th' work o' ad- justin' his red oiled muslin sash begins. At six o'clock he's in th' saddle, an' at six-thirty he has four drinks under his sash. By eight he's pickled but erect. It does not make any difference t' a grand marshal what hour o' th' day th' street pe-rade is t' start. All he wants t' know is th' date. SHORT FURROWS Rushin' madly up an' down th' main street, th' grand marshal personally supervises th' ar- rangement o' flags an' buntin', pushes th' pea- nut roasters nearer th' court-house fence an' drives th' prominent citizens back o' th' dead line. "Git back, stand back! Ever'buddy git back ! !" th' grand marshal cries, as he charges at full speed upon th' aged an' infirm, panic- stricken mothers an' children an' indignant merchants. Ever'buddy looks alike t' him. Little children hate a grand marshal an' in after years they'll point 'em out an' say, "Curse that ole geezer. He wuz a grand marshal once when I wuz a child! Away with him!" If th' town is dry a grand marshal drinks in a box stall. If it has open saloons he drinks in all o' 'em. To anybuddy that's got a particle o' humor in his makeup ther's few funnier spectacles than a grand marshal, but he should be viewed from th' belfry o' th' court-house, where his maneuvers kin be enjoyed with im- punity, beyond th' reach o' his hickory breath an' heavy cane. Th' boy that pays his own way thro' college never wins th' standin' broad jump. Constable Newt Plum's little grandson went t* th' circus t'day jist t' take his parents. Miss Tawney Apple is havin' sinkers put on her blue lisle skirt fer th' croquet contest. Some statesmen drop out an' try t' come back, but Bryan never leaves. I'd like t' be President jist t' see th' country. SHORT FURROWS Miss Tawney Apple says she's got a aunt that's so prominent nobuddy knows her hus- band's first name. Tilford Moots' nephew, who is prominently mentioned for th' legislature out in Nevada, didn' only begin life a poor boy, but his mother cut his hair. Rev. Wiley Tanger has set Wednesday aside fer ameteur night at th' Baptist church. What's become o' th' ole time rag man, with a red wagon an' team o' white mules, that used t' give you a five-cent tin cup fer four dollars' worth o' rags? ABE MA RTIN'S We still have a few all wool Republicans. Em Moon an' her man have been married six months t'day. Don't it beat all how some folks git along t'gether? Nothin' makes a feller feel as independent as havin* two er three dollars over expenses. Mrs. Tipton Bud's brother, whose second wife died Saturday, has commenced t* shave his neck fer a third term. Lafe Bud has thrown away his union suit an' seceded. SHORT FURROWS 9 Between th' feller that's waitin' fer some- thin' t' turn up an' th' feller that's lookin' fer somethin' that jist suits him ther's gittin' t' be tbb many initot'ent bystanders in this coun- try. ABE MA RTIN'S It's all right t' protect th' farmer, but we shouldn' make him pay fer it ever' time he comes t' town. Most folks '11 join anything that gives a annual banquet. You kin allus bet that a feller with a stove h; his hat has jist come out o' a nickel the-ater. Ike Moon, who will be operated on t'mor- row, will leave a wife an' three children. Any feller likes t' be seen with a stylish girl, but when he thinks o' proposin' he allus shies at th' upkeep. SHORT FURROWS Hon. Ex-editur Cale Fluhart wuz a power politically fer years, but he never got promi- nent enough t' have his speeches garbled. Mrs. Tipton Bud has stopped her newspaper an' got on a party wire. ABE MARTIN'S Ther's lots o' folks we'd like t' shake hands with if they didn' talk so long. Why don't doctors move out in th' country, where th' farmers er allus complainin'? A feller an' his tires are soon busted. Our new nickel the-ater opened last night an' took in fourteen dollars right off th' reel. A nonproducer should be seen, but not heard. A grandmother allus wants t' give th' baby a pickle. SHORT FURROWS Th' hardest thing a woman does is mail a package at merchandise rates without hidin' a letter in it. Th' easiest thing in th' world is t' git speak- ers fer a banquet an' th' hardest thing in th' world is t' stop 'em. Nobuddy kin talk as long an' as convincin'ly agin th' high cost o' livin as th' feller that don't even know what his wife is payin' fer sugar. Miss Fawn Lippincut has resigned from th' Shakespeare Club 'cause she looks so ugly in nose glasses. ABE MA RTIN'S Miss Myrt Spry, physical instructor o' th' high school, overtaxed herself while doin' a little housework t'day. Dock Mopps said Uncle Ez Pash wuz gittin' locomotor ataxi, an' Niles Turner said, "He'd better pay fer his phonograph first." Life is full o' surprises, but th' worst o' 'em all is runnin' on t' a pebble in a spoonful o' beans. Tell Binkley says he wouldn' want t' be Vice-President o' th' United States 'cause ther's no chance fer promotion. SHORT FURROWS Miss Mazie Bud has returned from a five weeks' visit 'mongst relatives. It takes some folks a long time t' get enough o' relatives. You kin allus bet a storekeeper with a bell on his door don't advertise. A feller never knows where he got a bad cold er a plugged dime. Miss Tawney Apple's cousin says he's never been able t' find as good a job as he had be- fore he went thro' college. Miss Fawn Lippincut says she'd hate t' have a husband that wuz a aviator an* not know whether t' go ahead an' git supper er not. ABE MARTIN'S Ther hain't nothin' as good as dandylion greens fer that "Oh, let th' farm run itself" feelin'. You wouldn' know some husbands when th' doctor is in th' room. After a plaintiff gits thro' with th' courts he's too ole t' spend his damages. Before Professor Tansey took hold o' our school th' board asked him if th' Mississippi river flowed north er south, an' he said, "I teach both ways." SHORT FURROWS Nobuddy kin resent a reflection on his repu- tation as quickly as th' feller that's got nuthin' t' lose but his watch. Nobuddy ever went into politics fer his health that showed any improvement. It wouldn't help some fellers if opportunity broke th' door in. 17) ABE MA RTIN'S Women allus want t' spend ever'thing er save ever'thing. Tipton Bud got a circular this mornin' from a land company, sayin' "Texas Wants You," an' he expects t' leave this week. SHORT FURROWS It takes a thin child t' hide behind its mother these days. It's wonderful what a fund o' information th' feller has that's "not doin' anything now." It used t' be considered quite a send off t' be called conservative. You kin git a purty fair idea o' some fellers by ther wives' expression. * Miss Germ Williams wuz defeated fer th' secretaryship o' th' Ladies' Franchise League because she's too effeminate. ABE MARTIN'S Th' old-fashioned mother seems t' have got along purty well without an electric iron an' th' ballot. Miss Tawney Apple, who's takin' penman- ship by mail, kin now write a runnin' hand while standin'. It'll be fun t* wait an' see how ther goin' t' cut a fifteen-cent slice o' ham any thinner. This has been a busy summer fer th' sum- mer girl, powderin' her nose an' her arms an' her shoes. SHORT FURROWS Some fellers '11 take anything but a joke. Uncle Milt Bud passed away yisterday on th' farm where he raised his first whiskers. He wuz ninety-eight years ole, chawed ter- backer all his life an' never seen East Lynne. Tf* As long as th' people are afraid o' hurtin' business they'll never rule. It's purty hard t' git ahead these days with- out trippin' your friends. What's become o' th' feller that used t' wear a peach stone watch charm? ABE MARTIN'S Th' average husband is only too glad t' have a mother-in-law around these days. No matter what position you assume in th' back seat o* a tourin' car, you allus look like you thought th' rest o' th' world wuz waitin' till you git t' your office. You allus find th' most kickers where ever'- buddy's got a equal chance. Twelve dollars a month an' no picture shows makes Jack leave th' farm. One front tooth an' all is lost. SHORT FURROWS Th' feller that's nominated by acclamation is generally defeated th' same way. Some fellers are a reg'lar circus fer th' girls when it comes t' rings. Th' leadin' mystery in any little town is how some family manages t' live. tfc It's all right t' pay as you go unless you're goin' t' th' United States Senate. If ever'buddy's liver wuz all right wouldn' this world be a paradise? ABE MART IN'S Lots o' us have gone broke trustin' Provi- dence. Rain an' apathy kin run any convention. A friend with a auto is a friend indeed. Th' acoustics o' Melodeon hall have been greatly improved an' you kin now hear a egg drop in any part o' th' house. Th' pustoffice is closed t'day on account o' th' pustmaster bein' unavoidably called away on a huntin' trip. SHORT FURROWS Some folks seem t' git clean thro' life on a technicality. [8] ABE MARTIN'S It costs more t' keep some folks' good will than it does a cow. When anybuddy tells you you haint changed a bit it's usually 'cause they can't think o' nothin' else t' say. Th' feller that's short in his accounts is allus long on somethin' else. Some fellers pay a compliment like they expected a receipt. A pessimist is a feller that bought a set o' Waverly novels fer 25 cents down an' finally had t' pay fer 'em. SHORT FURROWS Th' smokin' end o' a Pullman is allus full o' big fat fellers talkin' about Texas. No girl ever marries as well as her folks say she does. After bein' on th' road forty-two weeks without stoppin' a single bad egg, Lafe Bud's cousin closed with th' Little Magnet Comedy Company last night. It seems like th' later women come t' th' the-ater th' broader ther hats are. ABE MARTIN'S You never know a feller's true worth till th' week before he asks t' git off fer a few days. Ever notice how quick a feller that really knows somethin' kin break up a discussion? Th' day has gone by when business walked up an' introduced itself. Who remembers th' ole steroscope with views o' th' Hudson river an' Broadway on a Rainy Day that you used t' set in th' parlor an' look thro' while your girl wuz dressin' fer th' the-ater? One bad thing about talkin' too much is keepin' your se-gar lit. SHORT FURROWS Editorials on edible mushrooms make fat grave yards. Al Marsh came back from Colorado yister- day lookin' like another man, but constable Plum recognized him. Folks that jump at conclusions nearly allus light on ther necks. A ugly girl allus takes a swell photo. ABE MARTI N'S You can't keep a good man down, but they allus defeat him fer a city office. Like th' landlord o' th' only hut-tel in town, some wives only cook what they like 'em- selves. Even th' fact that alderberries require little sugar don't seem t' stimulate th' demand. SHORT FURROWS Wives o' Great Men It seems like th' greater a feller is th' harder it is fer his wife t' live with him. Look at Art Smiley. He's a great business man an' owns a big tile mill an' is a director of a bank an' th' auditor o' his county. Now his poor little thin wife comes along an' gits a divorce, th' custody o' th' children, th', old home place an' fifty dollars a week alimony. Art is a great success at ever'thing but bein' a husband. If he had used th' same tactics at home that he used while campaignin' fer auditor he'd be there this minute settin' by his grate covered with children an' tryin' t' smoke an' listen t' his wife read th' society page out loud. But he got too great. Most any kind of a feller kin git along with a wife if he half way tries. Jist look at a dress- maker's husband. Ther haint nothin' in th' world as triflin' an' lazy as a dress-maker's husband, an' yet he kin give most any man cards an' spades when it comes t' bein' pop'lar around home. ABE MARTIN'S Have you ever noticed how a intellectual giant's wife sticks around th' background like a freckled girl? Her husband found it very easy t' act like a human bein' while he wuz sparkin' her an' monopolizin' th' only warm room in her home. She never knew what a really great man he wuz till he got in th' lime- light an' now she feels like a odd cuff button. A great feller never gits it rubbed off fer even one evenin'. He never looks right in a the-ater er laughs when other folks do. He thinks he's pop'lar when folks er only afraid o' him. You kin tell by th' way a great feller pays his car fare er buys a newspaper that whoever mar- ried him is tremblin' an' wonderin' what he's goin' t' hop her about when he gits home. Th' only time most great men ever refer t' their wives is when they kick on expenses, an' th' only time ther ever seen with 'em is at a fu- neral, er at some highfalootin' function where it's absolutely necessary fer th' looks o' things. Then all th' other women '11 say, "What on earth do you suppose any man ever seen in that little dried up thing," er "She must o' had money." A great feller's wife nevet gits no credit fer anything unless his career is spoiled. Occasionally her name gits in th' paper in connection with some charitable affair, but that's only because her husband is great. Some women git on your nerves once in a while, but I don't care how great ther hus- bands are they ought t' remember that it'll soon be t'morrow an' they kin go down town agin. ABE MARTI N'S A few kind words mean a whole lot more t' th' average wife than a great husband, but great husbands never find it out till ther wives have packed up an' gone back t' ther folks an' th' newspapers print ther side first. Ther's a whole lot o' difference between a real husband an' a generous provider. If your wife is fond o' musical treats an' settlement work you should be willin' t' stay at home alone a few evenin's each week. If she wants you t' hold th' baby while she votes, do it willin'ly. If she objects t' gittin' breakfast 'cause she looks so ugly in th' mornin' you should only be too glad. O' course ther's some women that even a dressmaker's husband couldn' git along with, but how very easy it is t' git a travelin' posi- tion. Most any women '11 be kind t' you oc- casionally. You kin even git along with a Swiss waiter by handin' him a quarter now an' then. A great man really ought t' be glad t' git out o' th' limelight an' spend a few hours at home with th' girl who knew him when he SHORT FURROWS clerked in a grocery an' who remembers when he turned his cuffs, used perfume an' cut his own hair. Ther's very few wives o' great men who don't quietly sigh fer th' ole days. ABE MARTIN'S It takes a purty smart feller t' admit he doesn't know. After all ther haint nothin' as yellow as ole Mr. Public. Some fellers' idea o' reciprocity is returnin' a quarter an' borrowin' a dollar. Lafe Bud says he allus feels like an odd cuff button when his mother-in-law visits him. A reckless driver allus seems partial t' yel- low runnin' gears. SHORT FURROWS Th' rich man gits his picture in th' paper when he dies an' th' poor man when he's cured. When a woman gits too much change back she jist thinks it's destiny. Th' feller that's his own worst enemy is too often th' best friend o' a lot o' other folks. Th' world is gittin' better Wapakoneta, Ohio, has a Republican mayor. Never take a hammer t' a banquet. ABE MA RTIN'S Some fellers wouldn' even take a bath if it wuzn fer opposition. Bud Tyler, whose father is dangerously sick, has joined th' Reg'lar Army fer fear he'll inherit th' farm. We're allus disappointed when we see a fel- ler named Lionel. A lightnin* rod agent registered at th' New Palace Monday, an' when th' clerk asked him if he wanted a room with a bath he said, "Nope, I won't be here Saturday." All hens fail in cold weather. SHORT FURROWS Lafe Bud's got one o' 'em new catterpiller hats. Ther's a unwritten law agin' goin' any fur- ther than th' door with a dressin' jacket on. What's become o' th' ole time minister that parted his hair on th' side? Powerful few things look as shiftless as a man behind a stove. Ther's gittin t' be too blamed many women in th' suffrage business that'd rather lead than vote. ABE MARTIN'S Some fellers er allus talkin' about acceptin' a position jist like negotiations had been pendin' fer years. Marriage reforms some fellers an' others git married two er three times. Th* farmer that sets on a sulky plow under a umbreller an' reads th' daily papers has quit buyin' patent gates an' lightnin' rods. You kin make a lastin' friend o' most any feller by consultin' him about somethin' im- portant. SHORT FURROWS A demagogue is right at home in a crowd. HOI ABE MARTIN'S Miss Fawn Lippincut lectures at Melodeon hall t'night on "Th' Foothills o' Society" an* almost enough tickets have been sold already t ? have th' fodder moved out. Th' girl that spells her name Mabelle will have to take what comes. You hardly ever hear a woman talkin' about a happy marriage. Th' only way you kin entertain some fellers is t' listen t' 'em. It seems like th' more poverty-stricken a town is th' more shootin' galleries it supports. SHORT FURROWS Th' more a feller loves his wife th' more it costs him. Th' first thing th' neighbors say when a fel- ler's wife goes visitin' is "I wonder if he kin make coffee." Prof. Tansey bought a beautiful Morocca bound universal dictionary yisterday fer a dol- lar down an' th' rest some time when he's taken unexpectedly. Professor Tansey is preparin' a bill t' be in- troduced in th' next legislature requirin' all males o' votin' age t* say nominated instead of anominated. ABE MARTI N'S You wouldn' know some towns after a smooth stranger gits thro' with 'em. Th' best thing about banquets is that ther far between. Ever' time ther's a celebration ther seems t' be a committee on ever'thing but takin' down th' decorations. Ever' once in a while some feller without a single bad habit gits caught. What's become o' th' old time bills we used t' pay without feelin' 'em? SHORT FURROWS "Which Loved Him Best," at th' Alhambry, is one o' th' best an' most evenly balanced reels o' th' season, 'cept th' film is a trifle stagy in th' more emotional scenes. Miss Fawn Lippincut took th' train at Mor- gantown fer Bloomin'ton t'day. She's gittin' t' be quite a traveler an' kin now ride without buyin' a orange. When Lillian Russell haint moralizin' she's boostin' some kind o' a eyebrow pencil. Th' feller that's prominent in a little town had better stay there. ABE MARTIN'S If th' feller that says, "I like rhubarb but it don't like me," '11 jist keep still about it no questions will be asked. Th' feller that marries at sixty hardly ever recovers. Tell Binkley has come out flat-footed fer th' referendum an' refill. SHORT FURROWS Th' thing that's depopulatin' th' farms more'n anything else is that you can't plow an' be a dude. Pinky Kerr's condition remains unchanged. He eats hearty an' plays pool fairly well, but won't work. * When a doctor don't know what's th' mat- ter with you he tells you t' cut out coffee. Ther haint nothin' that'll wake a little town up quicker'n pushin' a lawn mower o'er a brick sidewalk. A contented farmer wuz in town this mornin'. ABE MARTI N'S Miss Tawney Apple's niece, who wuz mar- ried last week, is havin' her teeth all fixed up. Her husband says that th' next time he gits married he'll be more careful like a horse buyer. One way t' be pop'lar is t' let folks use you. A fool allus votes a straight ticket. Ther's many a coarse feller from a fine family. SHORT FURROWS Th' feller behind in a three-passenger auto allus looks like he wuz ridin' agin his will. All work an' no play makes Jack an invalu- able employe. Very few authors end as happily as their stories. Purty crimpy fer white shoes, but a girl would freeze t' death if it wuz all th' rage. Th' first thing a murderer does after he gits arrested is light a cigarette. 1111 ABE MARTI N'S Tell Binkley says a tourin' car is like a baby. Ever'thing happens t' it th' second summer. It's so lonesome in Urbana, Ohio, that owls often fly nine hundred miles out o' ther way t' spend th' day there. One thing is certain, a wireless operator won't git th' wine habit on twenty dollars a month. Some folks are allus worryin' fer fear some rich family hain't happy. SHORT FURROWS Miss Mame Moon has a new one piece hob- ble dress an' she looks like an upright walrus. Ther must be somethin' awful facinatin' 'bout agriculture when a farmer would rather plow than vote. What's become o' th' ole time lover with sea bean cuff buttons an' a red rose in th' corner o' his card? It seems like opportunity sets on th' porch an' waits fer some folks. Nobuddy ever asks fer th' kind o' biscuits his wife used t' make. ABE MARTIN'S Nobuddy loves a fat man but it don't seem t' worry him. Of all th' self starters th' Colonel takes th' cake. SHORT FURROWS Mismatin' an' Other Things 'By Miss FaWn Ltppincut My dear Miss Lippincut: Like hundreds o' other girls at seventeen I married th' only man I thought I could ever love without lookin' around a little. I have no profession er other means o' livlihood an' it has worked a hard- ship on both o' us. If I wuz single agin I be- lieve I could do better. Do you believe in sec- ond marriages? Despondent. What possible objec- tion kin ther be t' sec- ond marriages? If men fail at ever'thing they Miss Lippincut undertake an' finally land a government job, why should some poor, misguided girl who ABE MARTI N'S has wed th' only man she could ever love at seventeen be allowed t' starve? Jist as soon as a girl finds out she's married a gold brick she should set about t' free herself. Even if her ole home on Easy street has been torn away an' her parents scattered an' gone she should tear out jist th' same. I often see young wives walkin' along th' streets with husbands wearin' full beards an' rubber collars an' I wonder what life holds fer 'em. After two er three seasons o' shiverin' around a base burner, runnin' up bills fer malted milk an' nipples at th' corner drug store, tryin' t' raise a fern er trimmin' th' same ole hat over an' over, Love gits purty tired an' packs up a few belongin's an* ducks out. After a while Sentiment hands in her resignation an' th' average marriage then becomes a cold business proposition. Ther's lots o' difference between th' ole per- fume laden June nights on th' verandy hidden by sweet climbin' honeysuckles an' tryin' t* operate a double oven, six-cylinder cook stove with a baby on th' floor cryin' fer a warm bot- SHORT FURROWS tie an' a husband walkin' thro' th' kitchen with his watch out. I allus hate t' hear some ola faded out wife, who caught on before her father failed, knockin' second marriages. If she kin find contentment in canary birds, as- paragus beds an' geraniums, that's her busi- ness. In half civilized Thibet a woman kin have as many husbands as she pleases t' support. In China a widow must stay single till all o' her husband's folks die, an' an American Indian squaw must remain a widow fer seven years, with two off fer good behavior. A girl takes th' same chances when she mar- ries as a man takes when he buys a pair o' two- dollar patent leather shoes, an' she should have th' same inalienable right, when her hus- band breaks on th' sides, t' look around fer somethin' better. Suppose your own daughter in an unguarded moment should marry a roller skatin' professor? Chicken potpies may be made more effective ABE MART IN'S by th' substitution o' chicken in th' place o' veal. August is th' month when a feller don't know whether t' git a extra pair o' trousers fer his light suit er keep in th' background till it's cool enough t' wear a overcoat. August also ushers in th' tail end o' th' hot, strenuous harvest days when country boys gather in little clumps in front o' th' village pool room an' compare ther blisters, curse ag- riculture an' talk in low, mumblin' tones, scarcely audible, about castin' ther lots in th' crowded city where they kin have a hundred nickel the-aters t' select from. In August th' June bride tries t' hide from her husband th' first unmistakable signs o' re- gret. August is also th' month t' buy your coal if you expect to git any lumps. In August "we catch th' first faint glances o' autumn peepin' stealthily thro' openin's where th' leaves have already withered an' fallen, an' SHORT FURROWS among berries where summer hung out her blossoms; an' sometimes we hear her rustlin' footsteps among th' dry pods, which have usurped th' place o' her flowers^" But on th' whole, August would be a purty uneventful month if it wuzn' fer th' underwear sales, when you kin git a three dollar union suit fer eighty-nine cents if you're built like a lizard an' can git a fit. White shoes may be cleaned by removin' th' spots. Durin* th' winter season scramblin' '11 often destroy th' identity o' a July egg. Medicated nest eggs '11 be found practically indispensable in summerin' over a goat muff. 112] ABE MARTIN'S In a country home where spaghetti is all th' rage, whiskers should either be abandoned en- tirely er driven back near th' mouth. Any kind o' scissors '11 do. Ther are many conflictin' authorities on th' longevity o' th' Aprile egg. Now comes a let- ter from an actor who says that some years ago while he wuz playin' th' part o' Shylock, in "Th' Merchant o' Venice," at East Liver- pool, Ohio, a egg dropped uninjured int' th' folds o' his mantle durin' th' early lines o' th' first act. He further adds that, accordin' t' th' hieroglyphics written thereon, th' egg wuz twelve years ole an' in full possession o' its faculties. SHORT FURROWS No matter how little th' pond is some folks are allus jist back from th' lakes. ABE MA RTIN'S Th' first feller t' join a marchin' club is allus bow legged. Constable Newt Plum arrested a keg backed feller fer boot-leggin' yisterday. Ther haint no economy in a ten-cent mack- erel if your takin' water on a meter. What's become o' th' ole lifelong Republi- can that'd vote fer a yaller dog if it wuz on th' ticket? SHORT FURROWS Tilford Moots is so stingy he economizes fer a week after goin' t' th' the-ater on a pass. Mrs. Tilford Moots's nephew has a civil service job that is, they can't fire him unless they want to. Ther's lots o' delightful sensations, but up- t'-date there hain't nothin' that equals findin' a paper dollar in a ole vest. Th' new party will make th' Chautauquas last a third longer. Take a vacation! If you can't go yourself send your wife an' rest at home. ABE MARTI N'S Miss Fawn Lippincut made th' keynote speech at th' Ladies' Franchise League ban- quet last night, but you couldn't hear it fer th' celery. A pustmaster never lets it interfere with his business. By a kind provision o' nature walkin* is th' best natural exercise next t' crankin' a tourin' car. Th' feller with a irresistible personality allus wants somethin*. SHORT FURROWS It's purty hard t' compliment a new baby without gittin' your foot in it. Tell Binkley has finally sold his tourin' car an' announces that he'll patch rubber boots at reasonable rates. It seems like ever'buddy that amounts t' somethin' is tryin' t' git a divorce. Anybuddy that lived thro' th' reconstruc- tion period followin' th' Jersey waist haint worryin' o'er th' hobble skirt. ABE MA RTIN'S Miss Fawn Lippincut says she'd jist as leave git a newspaper clippin' as a type written let- ter. Mrs. Tilford Moots will take her little boy t' see Niagary Falls next week, as he'll soon be too ole t' ride fer nothin*. Speakin' o' th' good ole times, what's be- come o' th' neighbor that used t' borrow a cup o' sugar ever' time she brought th' irons back? Ther's usually somethin' th' matter with th' feller that's lookin' fer work. SHORT FURROWS Folks that er quick t' order er generally slow t' pay. You think o' a thousan' things while you're loafin' that never occurred t' you while you had a good job. Tell Binkley says there'll never be any real pleasure in motorih' till th' farmer watches his team instead o' th' automobile. Miss Fawn Lippincut says it's clearly th' groom's place t' stand any expense incurred in shortenin' th' trousers o' th' best man's bor- rowed dress suit. 113) ABE MART IN'S Th' average Socialist is a feller that wants t' dance without contributin' anything toward remuneratin' the violinist. Mrs. Tilford Moots bought muskmellon on approval this mornin'. Wat's become o' th' old time favorite that made fifteen loaves o' real bread ever' Satur- day jist as a matter o' course. Tilford Moots talks some o' sellin' his farm as th' exercise is too violent. SHORT FURROWS Ther's talk o' buildin' a home fer ole an' in- dignant consumers. Ther hain't nothin' happened fer a long time that's made me feel as ole as Esther Cleve- land's weddin' engagement. It don't seem like a week since I wuz carryin' a torch fer her father. Curt Hedges has advertised fer a barber that kin furnish his own terbacker. It might help th' consumer t' take a more cheerful view o' things if th' butcher would * let th' meat lay on th' scales long enough t' see what it weighed. ABE MA RTIN'S We all like our relatives when we're little. Speck Moots is at home from th' reforma- tory an' says that two terms is enough fer any man. Miss Tawney Apple, who sprained her ankle Tuesday, his decided t' remain in bed, as she don't look good on crutches. Even th' commonest loafer allus whistles th' latest tunes. When it comes t' th' high cost o* livin' rhu- barb kin prove a alibi. SHORT FURROWS When some folks say somethin' nice they act like they'd spent some money. Rain never interferes with anything that ought t' be postponed. Why is it th' last chop th' butcher throws on th' scales weighs as much as th' other three? Th' less demand ther is fer rhubarb th' more arrogant an' self-reliant it looks. Lafe Bud has a steady job except he gits off ever' little bit t' make a cigarette. ABE MARTIN'S Th' feller that's allus complainin' o' leadin' a dog's life is generally a setter. A out-o'-town feller allus looks better t' th' girls. Life's too short fer continued stories. It's funny how fast some fellers walk an' don't git anywhere. Some fellers don't git gray till ther' seventy an* others have grown daughters. Ever' time I meet a feller with rubber heels 1 put my watch in my pants pocket. ABE MA RTIN'S Tipton Bud says he wuz filmflammed at th' S-cent the-ater last night. Some fellers ought t' use fenders when they eat soup. Th' trouble with our spasmodic prosperity is that a feller talks half th' time 'bout curbin' expenses an' th' other half 'bout buyin' a auto. You wouldn't know some fellers' homes wuz mortgaged if they'd keep ther mufflers closed. Those who try t' escape th' least blame seem t' git th' most. SHORT FURROWS It must be a great surprise t' some o* th' political floppers t' read how prominent they've allus been. Mrs. J. Dwight Moon, whose brilliant wed- din* in June wuz all th' talk an* who has re- sumed her ole job at th' Trade Palace, says ther's lots o' harder ways t' git money than standin' up in a store all day. Miss Fawn Lippincut says it's allus fun t' invite a feller that's fifty-five years ole t' some- thin' jist t' see who he brings. Th' feller that's allus talkin' 'bout doin' somethin' jist as soon as he finds the time knows where all th' big fish hide. U41 ABE MARTIN'S Th' perade is all ther is t' some folks. Constable Newt Plum's married daughter has ever'thing charged so it'll be delivered on time. Some fellers git credit fer bein* conservative when ther only stupid. A honeymoon generally lasts till th' first bakin' powder biscuits. Mrs. Tilford Moots's niece, who married Os Tanger jist t' git rid o' him, is askin' fer a divorce on th' ground o' desertion. SHORT FURROWS Mrs. Tilford Moots has a nephew that's worked fer his wife's father almost a month. All th' world hates a knocker. * If at last you don't succeed, join a third party. Mr. and Mrs. J. Dwight Moon, whose bril- liant wed din' has been th' sole topic o' th' early summer months, have returned. Mrs. Moon has resumed her ole position behind th' granite ware counter at the Trade Palace, while her husband is th' guest o' his folks. ABE MA RTIN'S Tipton Bud is inspectin' Floridy land this week with a view o' buyin' a few gallons. Mace Turner has returned from th' Colo- rado fruit belt an' expects t' return if he kin sell his mandolin. Th' banquet at Melodeon Hall last night wuz a big success. Even th' waiters wuz sat- isfied. Word wuz received here t'day o' th' death of Miss Tabitha Moon. She wuz a wonderful speaker, a great organizer an* a fair cook. A third party makes strange bedfellers. SHORT FURROWS Th' only way t' find some fellers out is t' call on 'em. Ther haint nothin' as ugly as ugly wall paper. Ther kin never be perfect happiness where th' salt shaker is allowed t' git empty. Blowin' up th' stumps an* stringin' barbed wire fences is drivin* th' country boy t' town where he kin git a seat. A fat woman allus seems t' resent it if you hand her somethin' she's dropped. ABE MARTIN'S Most ever' girl has two fellers, one that she likes, an' one that spends his money freely. Lafe Bud says he allus hates t' see winter come 'cause his overcoat hides his lodge but- ton*. It would be a good thing fer th' public if some fellers could buy a speech in a store an' have it delivered. SHORT FURROWS Th' Ole County Fau- lt seems like our blamed progressiveness is jist gradually takin' all th' flavor out o' th' ole time honored county fair. It wuz a great in- stitution in th' days o' big pumpkins an' whole- some amusements th' days when Silver Tail used t* clip off a mile in five minutes an* farm- ers wuz contented an' oriental dancers an* Fer- ris wheels wuz unheard of. Down in th' hol- low, near th' main pump, Colonel Perry's Great Golden Museum and Educational Expo- sition had its tent. Th' Colonel wore a wrong font plug hat an' long sidewhiskers an' his wife wore knee dresses, Roman sandals, an' took tickets an' lifted a cider barrel full o' water with her teeth an' did th' cookin'. In th' tent wuz a se-gar case full o' snakes an' a dried mermaid, an* Millie Irene, th' armless wonder, who wrote cards an' crocheted lamp mats in colored yarn with her toes. She wrote a beau- tiful vertical foot an* ever' center table an' ABE MARTIN'S card receiver in th' county bore evidence o' her toe work. I feel awful sorry fer th' feller that haint got no ole delightful county fair days t' look back on. Ever'buddy we used t' meet wuz savin' somethin' t' take t' th' fair. If it wuzn' a un- usually big Shanghai rooster it wuz some crazy lookin' long necked gourd, an' if it wuzn' either o' 'em it wuz somethin' else crazy er SHORT FURROWS unusual maybe his wife, fer th' great annual agricultural exhibition used t' attract some awful odd lookin' folks. Whether it's th' tariff er what it is, some- thin' seems t' have destroyed th' competition in pumpkins, fer th' ole time interest has sim- mered out along with th' linen duster an' red lemonade. Even th' cane racks have changed. We used t' ring a cane with a nice soft lead handle th' first pop, but now you can't even walk up t' a cane an' ring it, 'cause th' handle is bigger'n th' ring. Even th' chickens look too purty t' lay an' th' art hall is full o' labor- savin' mops an' sofy pillers. Ther hain't even any interest left in th' ole quilt that wuz brought across th' Allegheny mountains on a pack mule. Th' country girls have changed, too. They don't giggle an' spoon in th' buggies anymore. They dress up-to-date an' couldn't step up in a buggy. They don't blush any more either an* would call a constable if you offered 'em a popcorn ball with a rubber t' it, like we used to. [in ABE MARTI N'S Occasionally a wife o' th' ole school will hesitate fer th' instant in front o' some new fangled churn, but she seems dazed an' walks away. Our country friends have changed with th' times. They are agriculturalists now an' don't go t' th' fair anymore t* lean agin' th' sheep pens an' talk shop, er huddle in th' art hall with ther eyes full o' sawdust. It takes some- thin' greater than a armless card writer er a five-legged steer t' thrill 'em. They've got telephones, bathtubs, 'lectric lights, interurban cars, steam heat, automobiles an' daily papers. A dollar premium on a big pumpkin er th' finest quince marmalade no longer stimulates 'em t' pitch in an' make th' fair a big success. They like t' loaf around th' Turkish village er watch a aviator fall jist as well as anybuddy. SHORT FURROWS Cameo Bud, who has jist returned from a explorin' expedition, reports seein' a feller wearin' a Prince Albert coat an' a white lawn tie in one o' th' sparsely settled river coun- ties. He says that one member o' th' party got within fifty feet o' th' feller. Bein' known as a grouch is. th' next best thing t* goin' armed. While Tipton Bud wuz tryin' t' account fer a surplus dollar yisterday his wife ran out o' flour. Miss Fawn Lippincut says she's got enough things t* worry her without wearin' white shoes. ABE MA RTIN'S Nobuddy ever wants t' take advice after they ask fer it. You scarcely ever hear a feller say he's strapped nowadays. He jist has things charged. Lafe Bud says he hardly ever buys a new suit 'cause his wife '11 want one. One o* th' most charmin' social affairs o' th' midsummer wuz th' goin' away party given last evenin' fer Mrs. Tub Pash, who leaves her husband t'day. SHORT FURROWS After all, ther's somethin' kind o' nice about bein' poor an' lookin' forward t' a change o' films. If money didn't talk you'd never know some folks wuz around. One half o' th' people in a dry town don't know how th' other half lives. 7k Mrs. Tilford Moots' brother died t'day in his fifty-first year. He wuz a kind husband an' a truthful paperhanger. 7k It's purty hard t' tell a two dollar necktie. ABE MARTI N'S Speakin' o' th' honest farmer, did you ever notice th' load he takes in on a family ticket? A cantaloupe hain't even a good hundred t' one shot. Mrs. Tipton Bud threw a surprise breakfast this mornin' fer her husband. You don't have t' put up a deposit at th' devil's employment agency. Th' feller that loafs all week is allus' pound- in' around home on Sunday. SHORT FURROWS Miss Tawney Apple wuz severely burned by carbolic acid t'day while tryin' t' remove th' gloss from her nose with what she sup- posed wuz a varnish killer. Ther's too many folks buyin' tires on inner tube salaries. Miss Fawn Lippincut says it seems like some girls git married jist t' keep from lookin* neat an' tidy. Tipton Bud says nothin' makes him as mad as t' have his wife call th' constable while he's chokin' her. Miss Fawn Lippincut is sufferin' from an attack o' pianner feet. ABE MA RTIN'S Ther's allus plenty o' harmony in a conven- tion where nobuddy's got a chance. Lots o' fellers git credit fer havin' th' strength t' say no that haint got nerve enough t' say yes. Pinky Kerr, who bought a se-gar at th' state fair, is gradually recoverin'. What's become o' th' ole fashioned girl that kept company with one feller? SHORT FURROWS If some folks don't know somethin' bad about somebuddy they don't say nothin'. Th' boy that whistles on th' road t' school may never be president but it's a cinch he won't have t' carry a hod. Next t' a croquet ball ther haint nothin' that tickles th' palate like a winter pear. 116] ABE MARTIN'S One advantage o' a tourin' car is that you can fill it up with friends an' git away from th' knockers. A bully allus calls th' wrong feller a liar be- fore he dies. Money talks an' that's th' reason you never know some fellers are around. Ther'd be very few relatives on speakin' terms if it wuzn' fer state fairs. Who'd move th' Kansas wheat crop if it wuzn' fer our colleges? SHORT FURROWS It seems like th' more triflin' a feller is th' bigger bunch o' keys he carries. Lots o' fellers are takin' th' stump this fall that ought t' take a holler log. It may take all kinds o' folks t' make a world but I'll bet it would run along all right if you'd take th' pinochle deck away from th' engine house. Cigarettes seem t' hurt some folks worse than if they smoked 'em. Th' first baby gits all th' rides. ABE MARTIN'S You kin allus tell a self made man if you'll keep your ears open. Miss Fawn Lippincut says she'd hate t' live in a city where even your next door neighbor don't care if you've got a new hat. Miss Fern Pash has returned from a month's visit highly pleased with her relatives. Mrs. Tipton Bud an' children have returned from Seymour where they took in ther rel- atives an' visited th* opery. Lafe Bud says he wishes somebuddy would invent a pair o' shoes that wouldn' hurt fair week. SHORT FURROWS Tipton Bud says he's goin' t' paint his sum- mer kitchen some day when he haint loafin'. You might jist as well try t' associate senti- ment with an onion as t' help things by wor- ryin*. Mr. Mooty Spray has returned from a week's visit t' Cincinnati. He says his only regret is that he didn' have relatives enough t' stay longer. * Th* woman who calls her baby a kid allus chews gum at th' the-ater. ABE MARTIN'S It must take lots o' nerve fer some fellers t' quit when th' whistle blows. A romantic girl generally marries a feller that never shaves his neck agin after th' min- ister has made 'em one. Miss Tawney Apple has a new mermaid skirt. Why don't somebuddy tell us how V build a $3,000 house fer $4,000? Ther's allus a lot o* fellers that can't make up ther minds how they'll vote till they sec a couple o' torchlight processions an' hear a few glee clubs. SHORT FURROWS What's become o' th' ole time groom that used t' look ever' inch a man? ABE MARTIN'S Ther's lots o' difference between a good pro- vider an' a good husband. Too many fellers are dyin* an' leavin' a wife an' eight children an' no money. SHORT FURROWS Ole Schoolmates When I went t' school Albert Moore wuz th' best reader. He jist seemed t' know ever'- thing that McGuffy ever wrote an' he could quote him by th' yard. He wuz th' leadin' man in all th' Friday afternoon dialogues an' ever'buddy in town said, "That boy'll be a actor some day." But he graduated an' caught th' first delivery wagon that come along an' he's still one o' th' invaluable employes o' th' Star Laundry. Mamie Turner wuz one o' 'em girls that allus walked home with th' teacher an' combed her hair back till she looked like a chinaman an* her forehead wuz full o' blue veins. She tat- tled ever'thing, too, an' had a big pale sponge with a string t' it an' her books wuz covered with calico. She wuz too nice t' laugh an* carried whips t' th' teacher under her apron an' wuz never tardy. She's an' ole maid now an' keeps books fer a glue factory an' gits about as much out o' life as a hearse. [17] ABE MA RTIN'S Charley McCrea wuz a purty smart scholar an' made th' dandiest capital letters. Th' teacher allus got him t' write th' mottoes on th' blackboard, "Be Good an' You'll be Hap- py," an' "Dare t' do Right." He wuz jist cut out fer a hut-tel clerk an' that's what he's loafin' at ever since he graduated. But th' boy that fooled 'em all wuz Art Timmens. He wuz th' dullest boy in school. Nothin' wuz ever in his book like it wuz in th' other books. Th' only time I ever seen him brighten up wuz one day when th' teacher asked him what wuz th' capital o' Ohio an' he said, "Louisville, Kentucky." Art didn' graduate an' instead o' goin' t' th' dogs he made other arrangements an' now is a pros- perous pork packer an' don't have t' know anything. Gourdon Brown wuz th' smartest boy in school. He wuz a frail, little codger with a big square head an' younger than anybuddy in his class. His mother learned him at home but she cut his hair too high over th' ears. He wore spectacles an' a cape with a velvet SHORT FURROWS collar an' jist seemed t' know ever'thing. I don't know why he wasted his time in school unless it wuz because he wuz too little t' plow. He'd cry if anybuddy else in th' class almost knew th' answer t' somethin'. He graduated an' fiddled around home a while an' disap- peared. I seen him th' other day fer th' first time in thirty years. He's a big tall feller with sideburns an' had on a rubber collar an' a pair o' tan shoes dyed black fer November. He said he wuzn' doin' anything "these days." I wuz nearly crazy t' ask him what a archi- pelago wuz jist t' see if he'd remember. ABE MA RTIN'S It must be tough on some folks when th' children are too big t' ride fer nothin' an' too little t' leave at home. Next t' borrowin' a dollar from somebuddy you befriended in your palmy days th' hardest thing is t' look interested when you're bored. What's become o' th' ole fashioned mother that never went t' bed till all th' children got in? * Ever notice how a fat woman runs fer th' scales when th' grocer goes in th' back room fer gasoline? SHORT FURROWS Nothin' is ever too expensive fer folks that have things charged. Th' mother o' twins haint worryin' about th' fall styles. It's better not t' give if you're goin' t' use a string. It seems like some folks never begin t' trav- el till they git a bunch o' children. I've been t' lots o' county fairs but I've never seen anybuddy as ugly as Mrs. Tilford Moots. ABE MARTIN'S Beets remain within the reach o' all with perfect impunity. Tell Binkley's niece at Kendallville married an out o' town feller Saturday t' git away from Kendallville. Somehow a feller that turns over a new leaf never wants t' pay any ole bills. Votes for Women "Th* only real objection I kin see t' women votin' is that our elections are allus held on Tuesday ironin' day. Otherwise I would be h e a r t i 1 y fer it," said Tell B i n k 1 e y, our leadin' tornado insur- ance writer. Mr. Bink- ley is predisposed t' bright colors an* has a tenor's mustache. Miss Mame Moon's fifth arrest in two days fer bein' too militant has started a discussion on woman's suffrage. Miss Moon is our most fearless suffragist an' Mame Moon leadin' liveryman. She has strong square features, a fair sized knot o* red hair under moderate control an* wears a four-in-hand tie an* side pockets. She would ABE MARTIN'S command attention even on circus day an' has long galled under taxation without representa- tion. Turnin' t' Constable Plum in th' squire's office she said: "I've got jist about as much use fer you an' th' law as I have fer a croquet set, an' if I ever pay any taxes without first knockin' your block off I'll be in a trance." Later in th' day Miss Moon paid her respects t' men in general by declarin' 'em jist a lot o' stomachs an' watchchains whose whole idea o' citizenship wuz throwin' a round steak on th' table three er four times a week. She said that th' growin' tendency 'mongst our girls t' seek some lighter employment other than mar- riage made her buoyant with hope an' courage. All our most prominent folks, regardless o' party er social standin', are expressin' 'em- selves freely on th' suffrage question. Rev. Wiley Tanger said he thought th' ole motto, "You run th' home an' I'll git out an' protect it," wuz all right in th' hostile injun days. "But t'day," said he, "we have too many triflin' pickets an' no injuns." Mrs. Tilford Moots, who has contributed SHORT FURROWS more sons t' th' Reg'lar Army than any woman in th' world, an' who has allus been closely affiliated with a champion checker player, stopped plowin' long enough t' say, that, while she didn't take no newspapers an' only knowed what she heerd, she'd allus felt like ther wuz somethin' unequal. She said she'd never found time t' look int' things an' that her husband wuz too busy defendin' his checker title t' be o' much help. However, she says if women ever git t' votin' she'll vote with 'em that is if it's too wet t' plow an' she kin git off. Miss Tawny Apple, ticket seller at th' Al- [18] ABE MARTI N'S hambry nickel the-ater an' accomplished horse- woman, said she thought votin' would be jist dandy. Miss Germ Williams, editress o' Th' Hen an' Home, said she'd been too busy t' pay much attention t' th' suffrage business, 'cept t' scim o'er a few arrests er glance at th' pic- tures o' some o' th' leaders. She said she didn' calculate that th' pictures would hurry th' day when th' cause would triumph. She said, though, that th' pictures wuz probably given t' th' papers t' sort o' hold th' movement back, as most leaders hardly ever want ther cause t' succeed, fer then they'd be out o' a job. Then she said: "But in all seriousness, when we consider that ever' egg that wends it's way t' th' American breakfast table, wheth- er direct from th' hen er on parole from some storage house, is a tribute t' th' industry o' some farmer's tired, round-shouldered wife, it is only fair that she should have some voice in other affairs equally as vital t' th' happiness o' th' home." Miss Williams is gotten up purty much along th' lines o' th' average woman SHORT FURROWS that is makin' her way along th' intellectual route, 'cept that her mussy appearance is due t' th' eccentricities o' genius rather than a effort t' appear great. After a while you git so you kin look right at her. Tipton Bud, whose civic pride has made him unpopular with our less progressive citizens, says that as long as th' average town is run by a lot o' ole grannies we might jist as well let th' women vote. Uncle Ez Pash, who has jist resigned from th' "I Remember th' Winter Of" club says he has lived t' see th' gun barrel skirt an' is not lookin' fer any new sensations. Miss Fawn Lippincut, recitationist, author- ess an' inventor o' th' "Little Corporal" sink strainer, says th' whole opposition t' th' fran- chise fer women simmered down is, "Can woman, after faithfully fulfillin' ever' duty that naturally befalls her an' th' many others that have been saddled on her, find th' time t' vote?" She says it's jist a question o' woman gittin' out her work, an' that ther's a deep- rooted fear that she might knock off early an' ABE MA RTIN'S vote anyhow. If women ever do git t' votin', she says, th' courthouse fence will be as bare hs July as it is in January, an' women won't have t' wear tub dresses ever' time they pass th' pustomce corner. Hon. Ex-editur Cale Fluhart, whose virile pen an' vigorous style are too well known t' need introduction here, says that woman's suf- frage is unthinkable an' that his condemnation exhausts th' vocabulary. He says if we'll jist take away all newspaper publicity th' suffrage cause'll fall as flat as a Western man's candi- dacy fer th' presidency. Here's what he says : "Jist picture an American 'lection day with women entrusted with th' franchise. Can you not see throngs o' red nosed women shiverin' around th' votin' places while bread is burnin' in a thousand ovens? Think o' th' unaired beds, stacks o' breakfast dishes an' hundreds o' innocent tots with ther little noses pressed agin th' window panes cryin' fer food in homes once filled with warmth an* love; think o' some mollycoddle runnin' fer mayor an' boast- in' around that your wife is solid fer him; SHORT FURROWS think o' tryin' t' unfasten th' traces o' your little children an' gittin' 'em ready fer bed while your wife is waitin' fer th' returns from some outlyin' county t' be brought in on horse- back, er carryin' a torch ; think o' tryin' t' hold your head up among your peers while your wife electioneers fer some feller that has owed you nine dollars fer years. How'd you like t' have a peroxide chief o' police that polishes her nails with a orange wood stick an' tries t' combat th' crime wave an' keep up her bridge scores? Woman's suffrage is jist around th' corner. T' arms, men!" Mr. Fluhart is in his eighty-ninth year an' has jist completed his sixth article on th' power o' radium. Prof. Alex Tansey, our leadin' educator an' churn agent, is aroused an' he laid aside a well- thumbed copy o' Epictetus long enough t' say that in some states where women have been votin' ther's been both wet an' dry victories. Regardin' th' suggestion, "that woman should first prove that her full possession o' suffrage will be used fer th' highest good o' state an' ABE MARTIN'S nation," he says that such proof is never re- quired o' th' feller that hangs around th' polls till th' last dollar has been slipped int' th' hand o' th' independent voter. Prof. Tansey said he regretted, however, that our women didn' give more study t' th' pearl button sched- ule an' th' annual report o' th' Alaskan gold output an' less attention t' ther waist lines. Still, he said, from what infermation he'd been able t' gather from sections where th' women folks had voted he felt justified in sayin' that they had voted 'bout as intelligently, an' fer earlier, than th' average hunyak, that don't even know who Tony Pastor wuz, much less Washin'ton an' Lincoln. SHORT FURROWS You can't git along with th' best woman that ever lived after th' bureau drawers swell. Penniless old age is purty tough, 'specially if you have t' use a umbreller stick fer a cane. Tryin' t' act surprised is th' hardest thing. I don't know what's in cigarettes, but a fel- ler kin set clean thro' a play without smokin' a pipe. Th' more a thing is touted th' worse it is. ABE MA RTIN'S Lafe Bud got one o' them pipes that looks like a yeller clarinet. 'Bout th' only thing you don't git skinned on these days is a ounce o' prevention. It's purty hard t' be efficient without bein' obnoxious. Th' bigger th' letter head th' more careful you want t' be about investin*. Th' feller that's mean around home is allus th' life an' sunshine o' some lodge. SHORT FURROWS I can't figure out how chicken pie got its name. r* Speakin' o' th' stage, Tell Binkley says he likes th' sad plays th' best th' kind where they open a door an' kick a pale girl out in th' snow an' then all set down t' a real turkey dinner with rubber celery. Mace Bud, who graduated from high school with honors last spring, is takin' a post gradu- ate course in spellin'. We're all self made men, but not very many o' us have staid on th' job. UO] ABE MART IN'S Ther wuz a vaudeville show at Melodeon hall, last night, an' business wuz so bad th' magician used turnips instead o' eggs. Love's labor is th' poorest paid o' all. Th' feller what says quails fer quail seems t' go out o' his way t' git on th' subject. Th' fastest time in th' world is made over th' route from prominence t' obscurity. Ever'thing costs so blamed much these days that a customer is entitled t' all th' courtesy a clerk kin scrape up. SHORT FURROWS A Christmas Reminiscence Mat Thompson's general store had been sort o' a continuous Chatalky er clearin' house fer political debaters, students o' international af- fairs an' general all 'round gossips fer many years, er t' be more exact, "since Hayes wuz defeated," as Mat himself would put it. Mat allus associated ever' event with some politi- cal epoch. His store wuz an emporium where you could git most anything from beeswax t' wind mills. Th' rusty brackets, er lamp hold-, ers, that hung from th' ceilin' wuz festooned with fly specked dried apples that wuz strung on a cord after th' fashion o' beads. Th' gents' furnishin's, cheviot shirts, paper collars an' overalls, wuz kept in barrels an' th' showcases wuz full o' onions an' axle grease. Mat only sold one brand o' se-gars, th' "Cock Robin." It wuz a black, hard, flinty, arrow shaped, prison made twofer that pulled on th' bit an' went out on th' least sign o' inattention er neglect. Mat used t' say that he jist kept 'em ABE MARTI N'S 'cause you couldn' talk so much if you smoked 'em. On this particular Christmus Eve a few old timers wuz huddled 'bout th' great wood stove that roared an' cracked, while th' fumes o' scorchin' leather an' steamin' clothes met in friendly combat among th' rafters with volume upon volume from th' famous twofers, whose lighted ends reminded you o' will o' th' wisps as they shifted about in th' dark. "It's jist thirty year ago t'night since Sam Pash drove his boy Bob away," said Uncle Niles Turner. "An' it wuz jist sich a night, too," he con- tinued, as he licked a puncture in his se-gar. "It had been a snowin' fer nigh on a week, an' I remember that what wuz then th' Valley House wuz full o' travelers waitin' till a team could break thro' t' th' station at Morgan. I wuz a settin' purty much as I am now in this very store when th' door opened an' young Bob Pash come in cold an' shiverin' an' warmed up a bit. Tears come t' his eyes an' he choked up when Mat there asked after his SHORT FURROWS mother. Carrie had been poorly all that win- ter. What a fine lookin' boy Bob Pash wuz smart as a whip, too, but delicate an' not like other boys. He soon went out, an' after some little time Carrie come t' th' store. She wuz carryin' a little bundle all tied up, but she wuz too late. That wuz th' last time anybuddy 'bout this place ever sot eyes on Bob Pash. His father had abused him ever since he could walk an' his mother had loved him from th' day he wuz born. Sometimes I git t' thinkin' bout th' Pash family an' how they all went, an' it jist seems like th' Almighty outdone Himself when he once got after it He jist seemed t' have it in fer that family. Carrie Moon wuz jist as good as she wuz purty. She could o' married Joe Armstrong if she'd o' v/anted t', er any o' th' other boys, but Sam Pash's dancin' an' clothes an' perfumery turned her poor head. Sam Pash wuz jist a slick patent gate agent when he come t' this place an' slung money around. He wuz a flyer fer them days an' any o' th' girls would o' had him, but he liked Carrie's farm th' best." ABE MA RTIN'S "I knowed him then," said Mat Thompson. "An' as you say, he wuz a powerful lady killer. He wore a little soft yaller hat turned up in front an' behind an' faced with black silk un- derneath an' a picture o' 'Rose Hill' on th' linin'. His clothes wuz made o' wine colored shiny diagonal, trimmed with wide rope braid, with a long vest with buckles instead o' but- tons an' bell bottomed pantaloons. His box- toe alligator boots wuz th' first an' last that wuz ever seen here an' caused quite a stir. I haint seen a cravat pin like his'n since, either. It wuz a big banjo shaped cluster pin with a chain t' it. Why, what chance did any o' th' boys have agin' him?" "Well, Mat," said Uncle Niles, "it wuz mostly his dancin' that caught Carrie. They hadn' been married scarce a year till her folks died an' she had th' farm. Sam Pash jist seemed t' lose ever' good trait he ever had when that farm went over an' he pitched in t' run it. He put signs all over th' place. Ever' where you looked wuz 'No Huntin,' 'No Tres- passin', 'Private Property,' 'Keep Off,' an' SHORT FURROWS 'Five Dollars Fine.' Ever' tree on th' place had somethin' mean nailed on it, so his neigh- bors jist got t' leavin' him alone. Him an' Carrie had three children. Ike wuz th' oldest, an' then come Amandy next, an' then Bob. Bob's mother wuz never strong agin after he come an' that seemed t' hurt Sam most o' all. She couldn' git out th' work she used t'. "Ike an' Amandy wuz sent off t' school after they got what learnin' they could over on th' ridge. It don't seem like more'n yisterday since Ike come blusterin' home on his first va- cation an' burned th' barn up with a cigarette. His father jist said he reckoned it wuz part o' th' 'curriculum.' "Amandy staid away t' school long enough t' learn t' write a bold vertical hand an' t' be ashamed o' her folks, an' then they sent fer her father t' come an' git her. She never helped her mother an' she wuz th' only girl in town that had her own letter box at th' pust- office. Well, she walked up an' down on th' poolroom side o' Main street till she got talked about an* one day she went away. Carrie ABE MARTIN'S never seemed t' worry over it anyhow she never complained er let on like she cared. She jist said Amandy wuz workin' in th' city. She didn't seem t' know what city er what she wuz workin' at. She jist supposed that anybuddy in any city would have t' work if they stayed there. "Time went on an' Ike, who had been out West, come home an' got some money an' then disappeared agin. He kept that up fer quite a spell failin' first at one place an' then at another. He'd grown t' be a big, fat, red faced feller with a short flat nose an' a bulgin' red mustache. He allus smelled like garlic, an' his pantaloons wuz too long, and his vest wuz allus half buttons an' th' wrinkles filled with ashes. He seemed t' be closely identified with all th' lodges though, and his lapels jist fairly blazoned with all sorts o' but- tons an' pins. "I kin jist see Ike Pash now, standin' by th' town pump jist back from one o' his trips, blowin' off. He'd talk 'bout irrigatin' Idyho, er his claims up in th' 'wonderful Alasky SHORT FURROWS country,' an' when you asked him when he wuz goin' back, he'd allus say, 'Jist as soon as navigation opens up.' He didn't know when he wuz goin' any place, but he did seem t' have a awful lot o' infermation 'bout the West an' what could be done ther. Ever' time he come home he looked worse an' wore a broader hat. Th' last time I ever seen him alive wuz th' mornin' o' th' day Bob left. He wuz standin' in th' snow in front o' th' E-lite milner store [20] ABE MARTIN'S gesticulatin' an' talkin' loud t' a little crowd o' fellers. His shoes wuz busted on th' sides an' he had on a alpaca coat. When th' crowd scattered I heerd him say, 'All that us fellers out in Oklahomy need is a railroad.' "I guess ther wuz goin' t' be sort o' a Christ- mus reunion at th' Pash's that time, fer Aman- dy wuz home, too. It wuz her first trip back since she skipped th' gutter. What a trans- fermation ther wuz in that girl! You could scarcely see her face fer th' osterich feathers an' her hair wuz th' color o' ole time seven - cent sugar. Folks said that you could tell by th' very heels on her shoes that she wuzn' up t' nothin' honorable. She didn't stay long an' her name wuz never mentioned in th' Pash home afterwards. So th' Mason girls said, an' they wuz purty thick with Carrie. "Th' night Bob went away, what little sun- shine that wuz left in Carrie's life went a trail- in' out o'er th' snow thro' th' cold an' wind after him. His first letter come from way in th' West an' told o' his home sickness t' see her an' how hard it wuz t' git on. He wrote SHORT FURROWS purty often and' Carrie used t' wonder if, after all, he'd be spared out o' th' wreck. "Ike's tours o' th' West had cost a heap an' th' ole home place wuz gone up an' th' Pash's wuz livin' in a little house that stood where th' tile mill is. When Ike's body wuz shipped home from Cripple Creek 'bout th' last cent wuz raised on th' place to pay th' expense. His mother never got t' see him. He had a bullet hole right square in th' center o' his forehead. You couldn' o' put it any neerder th' center with a pair o' compasses. He wuz buried from th' livery stable an' had three pall- bearers his father, one o' th' Hainses an' myself. His father soon follered an' he went jist as folks said he'd go. I've forgotten what campaign it wuz but he died arguin'. Th' lodge buried him with a brass band o' eight pieces, mostly uniformed, an' a cement tomb- stone an' "It wuz th' campaign Parker wuz defeated by acclamation, fer I remember they didn' have no trouble t' git th' band," interrupted Mat Thompson. ABE MARTIN'S "Well, tragedies wuz pilin' up purty fast fer Carrie but she bore up under 'em. One No- vember day a letter come from Bob with a money order in it fer put nigh a thousan' dol- lars. Bob said in that letter he'd be home fer Christmus an' Carrie seemed t' git stronger an' purtier as she counted th' hours. But Bob never come." "Mollie an' me found Carrie Pash th' day follerin' that Christmus," said Tipton Bud. "She wuz layin' on a quilted settee near th' fireplace. In one o' her poor, tired hands she held a faded boyhood picture o' Bob. On th' floor beside her wuz a letter. It wuz from th' warden o' a Californy prison. Bob had hooked some money in November an' died in prison. In th' little dinin' room with its flowered cur- tains th' table wuz set an' Carrie had got out a white table spread an' her old blue weddin' chiny." SHORT FURROWS Miss Fawn Lippincut says that while it hain't proper it's often necessary t' hold hands with a young man you've only met once. ABE MARTIN'S She who hesitates is saved. Marriage haint a lottery 'cause you allus git ever' thing that's comin' t' you. Some fellers er very fastidious til they come t' a free lunch. One fork makes th' whole world kin. Th' girl that runs with an easy mark allus marries a tightwad. SHORT FURROWS Time seems t' have some folks on th' free list. Th' latest menace is th' feller that smokes th' band on his nickel se-gar. I wonder how long some fellers would stick t' a secret order if it wuzn' fer th' gold braid? Nothin' seems t' be impossible fer a hand- some woman er a smooth stranger. ABE MARTIN'S Ther's still a few honest folks left but they never seem t' find anything you lose. If you'd fire some fellers out o' a cannon it wouldn' muss ther hair. If you want t' be wafted back t' childhood's happy days jist bite hit' a green pear. Sarah Bernhardt in Camille is th' new film at th' Alhambry. Tell Binkley says he's often paid three dollars t' see her on th' hoof. What's become o' th' ole time defeated can- didate that use t' publish a card o' thanks an' promise t' support th' ticket? SHORT FURROWS What we need is fuller dinner pails an' fuller skirts. [21] ABE MARTIN'S Th' average husband can't understand why his wife should need any money when she don't chew er smoke. Some fellers don't strike ther natural gate till ther sixty. Live so you kin go t' th' the-ater without makin' your grocer mad. Ever' time I look at some fellers I can't help thinkin' what good wives they'd make fer some girls. Th' pen is mightier than th' sword. 'Spe- cially a pustoffice pen. SHORT FURROWS Next t' a dyed mustache nothin' gives a fel- ler away quicker'n run over heels. * I'm allus glad when fall comes an' Fawn Lippincut puts th' side curtains on her elbows. Th' feller that catches a big string o' fish allus has t' walk right thro' town t' git home. ~l ',} THE END. Other Abe Martin Books A few copies of Abe Martin's Almanacks for 1909, 1910 and 1912 are still in print. One dollar each. Postage five cents. Address Abe Martin Publishing Company, Indianapolis. LIBRARY FACILITY A 000 756 621 9 Si: Si! : iiii:; W m Wi-WW im $m