THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 

 
 MISS in her TEENS: 
 
 OR, THE 
 
 MEDLEY of LOVERS. 
 
 A 
 
 FARCE, 
 
 In TWO ACTS.' 
 
 As it is Performed at the 
 
 Theatre Royal in Drury-Lane. 
 
 The SIXTH EDITION. 
 
 pene puella Puer, 
 
 L O N I> O N: 
 
 Printed for T. BECKET and Co. in the Strand. 
 M.DCC.LXXI, 
 
 [ Price One Shilling. ] 
 
 59585
 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 TH E Author takes this Opportunity to return 
 the Public his Thanks for their fo favourable 
 Reception of the following Trifle ; the Hint of which 
 is taken from the French. Whether the Plot and 
 Characters are alter'd for the better or worfe, may be 
 feen by comparing it with L Parifanne of 
 fourt. 

 
 KftWiTCftWp 
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 WRITTEN by a FRIEND. 
 
 
 
 V.. . V . > --. V -. '. 
 
 O^O /0 rfj Frfra?, negletling Nature's Laws, 
 ** Debased the Stage, and wrong' 'd the comic Caufe ; 
 To raife a Laugh has been her f ok Pretence, 
 Tho* dearly purchased at the Price of Senfe ; 
 This Child of Folly gained Increafe with Time j 
 Fit for the Place fucceeded Pantomime ; 
 Revived her Honours, joined her motley Band, 
 And Song and low Conceit o'er -ran the Land. 
 
 Moregerfroits Views inform our Author's Breaft, 
 from real Life his CbaracJers are dreft ; 
 Hefeeks to trace the Pajjions of Mankind, 
 And while he fpares the P erf on, paints the Mind. 
 In pleafing Contrajl be attempts to Jhew 
 The vaporing Bully, and the fribbling Beau, 
 Cowards alike, that full of martial Airs, 
 And this as tender as the Silk he wears. 
 Proud to divert, not anxious for Renown, 
 Oft has the Bard ejjay*d to pleafe the Town ; 
 Tour full Applaufe out-paid his little Art, 
 He boafts no Merit, but a grateful Heart ; 
 Pronounce your Doom, be 1 II patiently fubmit, 
 Te fovereign Judges of all Works of Wit ! 
 To you the Ore is brought, a lifelefs Mafs, 
 Tou give the Stamp, and then the Coin may pafti
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 Now whether Judgment prompt you to forgive , 
 Whether you bid this trifling Offspring live, 
 Or with a Frown Jhould fend thejickly Thing 
 Tojleep whole Ages under Dulnefs' Wing-, 
 'To your known Candour we will always truft, 
 Ton never were, nor can you, be unjuft. 
 
 Dramatis
 
 Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 MEN. 
 
 Sir Simon Lovcit, 
 
 Captain Loveit, 
 
 Fribble, 
 
 Flafh, 
 
 Puff, 
 
 Jafper, 
 
 Mr. TafwelL 
 Mr. Havard. 
 Mr. Garrick. 
 Mr. Woodward. 
 Mr. Tates. 
 Mr. Blakes, 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Biddy, 
 
 Aunt, 
 Tag, 
 
 Mrs. Green. 
 Mrs. Crofs, 
 Mrs. dive. 
 
 MISS
 
 
 
 in her TEENS. 
 
 ACT I. SCENE I. 
 
 SCENE, A STREET. 
 
 Enter Captain LOVE IT and PUFF. 
 
 CAPTAIN. 
 
 H I S is the Place we were directed to ; 
 and* now, Puff", if I can get no Intelli- 
 gence of her, what will become of me ? 
 
 Puff. And me too, Sir You mud con- 
 fider I am a marry'd Man, and can't bear Fatigue 
 as I have done. But pray, Sir, why did you 
 leave the Army fo abruptly, and not give me Time 
 to fill my Knapfack with common Neceflaries ? Half 
 a Dozen Shirts, and your Regimentals are my whole 
 Cargo. 
 
 Capt. I was wild to get away, and as foon as I ob- 
 tained my Leave of Abfence, I thought every Mo- 
 ment an Age till I return'd to the Place where I 
 .firft faw this young, charming, innocent, bewitching 
 Creature. 
 
 B Puff.
 
 2 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 Puff. With fifteen thoufand Pounds for her For- 
 tune Strong Motives, I muft confefs. And 
 
 now, Sir, as you are pleafed to fay you muft depend 
 upon my Care and Abilities in this Affair, I think I 
 have a j uft Right to be acquainted with the Particu- 
 lars of your Paffion, that I may be the better enabled 
 to ferve you. 
 
 Capt. You (hall have 'em. When I left the 
 
 Univerfity, which is now feven Months fince, my 
 Father, who loves his Money better than his Son, and 
 would not fettle a Farthing upon me 
 
 Puff. Mine did fo by me, Sir 
 
 Capt. Purchas'd me a Pair of Colours at my own 
 Requeft ; but before I join'd the Regiment, which 
 was going abroad, I took a Ramble into the Coun- 
 try with a Fellow-Collegian, to fee a Relation of hit 
 who liv'd in Bcrkjhire.< 
 
 Puff. A Party of Pleafure, I fuppofe. 
 
 Capt. During a fhort Stay there, I came acquainted 
 with this young Creature j fhe was juft come from 
 the Boarding-School, and tho* (he had all the Sim- 
 plicity of her Age and the Country, yet it was mix'd 
 with fuch fenfible Vivacity, that I took Fire at 
 once. ' 
 
 Puff. I was Tinder myfelf at your Age. But 
 pray, Sir, did you take Fire before you knew of her 
 Fortune ? 
 
 Capt. Before, upon my Honour. 
 
 Puff. Folly and Conftitution But on, Sir. 
 
 Capt. I was introduced to the Family by the Name 
 of Rhodopbil) (for fo my Companion and I had fet- 
 tled it ;) at the End of three Weeks I was obliged 
 to attend the Call of Honour in Handers. 
 
 Puff. Your parting, to be fure was heart-break- 
 ing- 
 
 Capt. I feel it at this Inftant. We vow'd eter- 
 nal Conftancy, and I promis'd to take the firft Op- 
 portunity or returning to her : I did fo, but we 
 
 found
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 3 
 
 found the Houfe was fliut up, and all the Informa- 
 tion, you know, that we could get from the neigh* 
 bouring Cottage was, that Mifs and her Aunt were 
 remov'd to Town, and liv'd fomewhere near thi? 
 Part of it. 
 
 Puff. And now we are got to the Place of Action, 
 propofe your Plan of Operation. 
 
 Copt. My Father lives but in the next Street, fo 
 I muft decamp immediately for fear of Difcoveries j 
 you are not known to be my Servant, fo make what 
 Inquiries you can in the Neighbourhood, and I fhali 
 wait at the Inn for your Intelligence. 
 
 Puff. I'll patroll hereabouts, and examine all that 
 pafs ; but I've forgot the Word, Sir Mifs Biddy- 
 
 Capt. Bellair. 
 
 Puff. A young Lady of Wit, Beauty, aud Fifteen 
 
 thoufand Pounds Fortune but Sir-' * 
 
 Capt. What do you fay, Puff* 
 Puff. If your Honour pleales to confider that I 
 had a Wife in Town whom I left fomewhat abruptly 
 half a Year ago, you'll think it, I believe, but de- 
 cent to make fome Enquiry after her firft , to be 
 fore it would be fome fmall Confolation to me to know 
 whether the poor Woman is living, or has made 
 away with herfelf, or- 
 
 Capt. Pr'ythee don't diftract me; a Moment's De- 
 lay is of the utmoft Confequence; I muft infift upon 
 an immediate Compliance with my Commands, 
 
 [Exit Captain." 
 
 Puff. The Devil's in thefe fiery young Fellows ! 
 they think of no body's Wants but their own, pie 
 does not confider that I am Flefh and Blood as well 
 as himfelf. However I may kill two Birds at once ; 
 for I fhan'c be furprized if I meet my Lady walking 
 
 the Streets But who have we here ? Sure I 
 
 fhould know that Face. 
 
 B 2
 
 4 M I S S in her TEENS. 
 
 Enter Jafper from a Houfe. 
 
 Who's that ? my old Acquaintance Jafper ? 
 
 Jafper. What, Puff! are you here ? 
 
 Puff. My dear Friend ! [Ki/es kirn.] Well, and 
 now Jafper^ ftill eafy and happy ! Toujours le meme ! 
 What Intrigues now ? What Girls have you ruin'd, 
 and what Cuckolds made, fince you and I uftd to 
 beat up together, Eh ? 
 
 Jafper. Faith, Bulinefs has been very briflc during 
 the War , Men are fcarce, you know , not that I 
 can lay I ever wanted Amuiement in the worft of 
 Times But harkye, Puff 
 
 Puff. Not a Word aloud, I am incognito. 
 
 Jafper. Why Faith, I fhould not have known you, 
 if you had not fpoke firft , you 1'eem to be a little 
 fb/babjlle too, as well as incognito. Whom do you 
 honour with your Service now ? Are you from the 
 Wars? 
 
 Puff. Piping hot, I aflure you ; Fire and Smoke 
 will tarnim-, a Man that will go into fuch Service as 
 I have been in, will find his Clothes the worfc for 
 Wear, take my Word for it : But how is it with you, 
 Friend Jafper ? What you ftill ferve, I fee ? You 
 live at that Houfe I fuppofe ? 
 
 Jafper. I don't abfolutely live, but I am moil of 
 my Time there j I have within thde two Months 
 enter'd into the Service of an old Gentleman, who 
 hired a reputable Servant, and drcfied him as you 
 Ice, becaufe he has taken it into his Head to fall in 
 Love. 
 
 Pttff. Falltt Appetite and fecond Childhood! But 
 pry'thce, what's the Obje<5t of his Paffion ? 
 
 Jafper. No lefs than a Virgin of Sixteen, I aflure 
 you. 
 
 Puff. Oh, the tooihlefs old Dotard !
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 5 
 
 Jafper. And he mumbles and plays with her till 
 his Mouth waters ; then he chuckles till he cries, 
 and calls it his Bid? and his Btdjy, and is fo foolimly 
 fond - 
 
 Puff. Bidjy! What's that? -- 
 
 Jafper. -- Her Name is Biddy. 
 
 Puff. Eiddyl What Mtfs Biddy Bellair.? 
 
 y off or. The fame 
 
 Puff. I have no Luck, to be fure. 
 Oh ! I have heard of her , {he's of a pretty good 
 Family, and has fome Fortune, I know. But are 
 Things fectled ? Is the Marriage fix'd ? * 
 
 Jafper. Not abfolutely; the Gfrl, I believe, de- 
 tefts him -, but her Aunt, a very good prudent old 
 Lady, has given her Confent, if he can gain her 
 Niece's j how it will end I can't tell- -but J am hot 
 upon't myfelf. 
 
 Puff. The Devil ! not Marriage, I hope. 
 
 Jo/per. That is not yet determined. 
 
 Puff. Who is the Lady, pray ? 
 
 Jafwr. A Maid in the fame Family, a Woman of 
 Honour, I aflfure you : She has one Hufband already, 
 a fcoundrcl fort of a Ftrllow that has run away from 
 her, and lifted for a Soldier ; fo towards the End of 
 the Campaign fhe hopes to have a Certificate he's 
 knock 3 d o' th' Head ; if not, I fuppofe, we (hall 
 fettle Matters another Way. 
 
 Puff. Weil, fpeed the Plough. -- But harkye, 
 consummate without the Certificate if you can 
 keep your Neck out of the Collar do I have wore 
 it thoie two Years, and damnably gall'd I am. 
 
 Jafper. I'll take your Advice ; but I mu& run away 
 to my Mailer, who will be impatient for an Anfwer 
 lo his M^flage which I have juft deliver'd to the 
 yeung Lady ; fo, dear Mr. Puff y I am your moft 
 obedient humble Servant. 
 
 Puff. And I muft to our Agent's for my Arrears : 
 If you have an Hour to fpare, you'll hear of me 
 
 B 3 at
 
 6 MISS / her TEENS. 
 
 at Georgfs or the Tilt-Yard Au Revoir, as 
 
 \vc lay abroad. [Exit Jafper.] Thus we are as 
 civil and as falfe as our Betters , Jafper and I were 
 always the Beau Monde exactly ; we ever hated one 
 another heartily, yet always kite and fhake Hands 
 But now to my Mafter with a Head full of News, 
 and a Heart full of Joy. [Going, Jiarts. 
 
 Angels, and, Minifters of Grace, defend me ! 
 It can't be! by Heav*ns, it is, that fretful Porcupine; 
 my Wife ! I can't ftand it j what mall I do ? I'll try 
 to %void hen 
 
 Enter Tag. 
 
 Tag. It muft be he ! I'll iwear to the Rogue at a 
 Mile's Diftance , he either has not feen me, or won't 
 know me_; if I can keep my Temper I'll try him 
 farther. 
 
 Puff. I fweat I tremble She comes upon me! 
 
 Tag. Pray, good Sir, if I may be fo bold 
 
 Puff. I have nothing for you, good Woman, don't 
 trouble me. 
 
 Tag. If your Honour pleafes to look this Way 
 
 Tuff. The Kingdom is over- run with Beggars; 
 1 fuppofe the laft I gave to has fent this ; but I have 
 no more loofe Silver about me ; fo pr'ythee, Woman, 
 don't diflurb me. 
 
 Tag . I can hold no longer ; oh you Villain, you ! 
 "Where have you been, Scoundrel ? Do you know me 
 now, Varlet ? [Seizes him. 
 
 Buff. Here, Watch, Watch, Zounds I mall have 
 my Pockets pick'd. 
 
 Tag. Own me this Minute, Hang dog, and con- 
 fefs every thing, or by the Rage of an injured Wo- 
 man, 1*11 raile the Neighbourhood, throttle you, and 
 fend you to Newgate. 
 
 Puff. Amazement ! what, my own dear Tag ! 
 Come to my Arms, and let me prefs you to my 
 
 Heart,
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 7 
 
 Heart, that pants for thee, and only thee, my true 
 
 and lawful Wife. Now my Stars have over-paid 
 
 me for the Fatigue and Dangers of the Field ; I 
 have wandered about like Achilles in fearch of faith^ 
 ful Penelope, and the Gods have brought me to this 
 happy Spot. [Embraces ber. 
 
 'Tag. The Fellow's crack'd for certain! Leave 
 your bombaftick Stuff, and tell me, Rafcal, why 
 you left me, and where you have been thefe fix 
 Months, heh ? 
 
 Puff. We'll referve my Adventures for our happy 
 
 Winter Evenings 1 (hall only tell you now, that 
 
 my Heart beat fo ftrong in my Country's Caufe, 'and 
 being inftigated either by Honour or the Devil, (I 
 can't tell which) I fet out for Flanders, to gather 
 Laurels, and lay 'em at thy Feet. 
 
 Tag. You left me to ftarve, Villain, and beg my 
 Bread, you did fo. 
 
 Puff. I left you too haftily I muft confefs, and 
 
 often has my Confcience ftung me for it. - 
 
 I am got into an Officer's Service, have been in fe- 
 veral Actions, gain'd fome Credit by my Behaviour, 
 and am now return'd with my Matter to indulge the 
 genteeler Paflions. 
 
 Tag. Don't think to fob me off with this non- 
 fenfical Talk ; what have you brought me home be- 
 fides ? 
 
 Puff. Honour, and immoderate Love. 
 
 Tag. I could tear your Eyes out. 
 
 Puff. Temperance, or I walk off. 
 
 Tag. Temperance, Traitor, Temperance ! What 
 can you fay for yourfelf? Leave me to the wide 
 World- 
 
 Puff. Well I have been in the wide World too, 
 han'c I ? What would the Woman have ? 
 
 Tag, Reduce me to the Neceflity of going to, 
 Service. [Cries. 
 
 64
 
 8 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 Puff. Why, I'm in Service too, your Lord and 
 
 Matter an't I, you fancy Jade you ? Come, 
 
 where doft live, hereabouts ? Mail got good Vails ? 
 Doft go to Market ? Come, give me a Kifs, Darling, 
 and tell me where I fhall pay my Duty to thee. 
 
 Tag. Why there I live, at that Houfe. 
 
 [Pointing to the Houfe Jafper came out of. 
 
 Puff. What, there ? that Houfe'? 
 
 Tag. Yes, there, that. Houfe. 
 
 Puff. Huzza ! We're made for ever, you Slut 
 you ! Huzza ! Every thing confpires this Day to 
 make me happy Prepare for an Inundation of Joy ! 
 My Mafter is in love with your Mifs Biddy over.Head 
 and Ears, and me with him : I know ihe is courted 
 by fome old Fumbler, and her Aunt is not againft 
 the Match ; but now we are come the Town will 
 be reliev'd, and the Governor brought over ; in 
 plain Englijh, our Fortune is made ; my Mafter muft 
 marry the Lady, and the old Gentleman may go to 
 the Devil. 
 
 Tag. Heyday ! what's all this ? 
 
 Puff. Say no more, the Dice are thrown, Doub- 
 lets for us ; away to your young Miftrefs, while I 
 run to,my Mafter, tell her Rbodopbil ! Radopbil ! w\\\ 
 be with her immediately ; then if her Blood does not 
 mount to her Face like Quickfilver in a Weather- 
 glafs, and point to extreme hot, believe the whole a 
 Lye, and your Hufband no Politician. 
 
 Tag. This is News indeed ! I have had the Place 
 but a little while, and have not quite got into the Se- 
 crets of the Family -, but Part of your Story is true, 
 r.rul if you bring your Mafter, and Mifs is willing, 
 e'il be too hard for the old Folks. 
 
 fT. I'll about it (freight ! but hold, Tag, I 
 
 had forgot - - Pray ho\v does Mr. Jafper do ? 
 
 Tag. Mr. Jafper ! What do you " mean ? I 
 I I
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 9 
 
 . Puff. What, out of Countenance, Child ? Oh 
 fy ! Speak plain, my Dear And the Certifi- 
 cate, when comes that heh, Love ? 
 
 Tag. He has fold himfelf and turn'd Conjurer, or 
 he could never have known it. [Afide. 
 
 Puff. Are not you a Jade ? Are not you a Jeze- 
 lei? Arn't you a 
 
 Tag. O ho, Temperance -, or I walk off 
 
 Puff. I know I am not finim'd yet, and fo I am 
 eafy, but more Thanks to my Fortune than your 
 Virtue, Madam. 
 
 Aunt, [within] Tag, Tag^ where are you, Tag ? 
 
 Tag. Coming, Madam My old Lady calls ; 
 
 away to your Matter, and I'll prepare his Reception 
 within. 
 
 Puff. Shall I bring the Certificate with me ? [Exit. 
 
 Teg. Go, you gracelefs Rogue, you richly de- 
 ferve it. [Exit. 
 
 SCENE changes to a Chamber. 
 Enter Aunt and Tag. 
 
 Aunt. Who was that Man you were talking to, 
 Tag? 
 
 Tag. A Coufm of mine, Madam, that brought 
 me fome News from my Aunt in the Country. 
 
 Aunt. Where's my Niece ? Why are not you with 
 her? 
 
 Tag. She bid me leave her alone She's fo 
 
 melancholy, Madam, I don't know what's come to 
 her of late 
 
 Aunt. The Thoughtfulnefs that is natural upon 
 the Approach of Matrimony, generally occafions a 
 decent Concern. 
 
 Tag. And do you think Madam, a Hufband of 
 
 threeicore and five 
 
 5 Aunt.
 
 lo MISS In her TEENS. 
 
 Aunt. Hold, Tag, he protefts to me he is but five 
 and fifty. 
 
 Tag. He is a Rogue, Madam, and an old Rogue, 
 
 which is the worft of Rogues. 
 
 Aunt. Alas ! Youth or Age, 'tis all one to her; 
 {he is all Simplicity without Experience : I would not 
 force her Inclinations, but (he's fo innocent (he won't 
 
 know the Difference 
 
 lag. Innocent! ne'er truft to that Madam ; I was 
 innocent myfelf once, but live and learn is an old 
 
 Saying, and a true one : 1 believe, Madam, no 
 
 Body is more innocent than yourfelf, and a good 
 Maid you are to be fure ; but tho' you really don't 
 know the Difference, yet you can fancy //, I warrant 
 you. 
 
 Aunt. I mould prefer a large Jointure to a fmall 
 one, and that's all; but it's impoffible that Biddy 
 fhould have Defires, fhe's but newly come out of the 
 Country, and juft turn'd of fixteen. 
 
 Tag. That's a ticklifti Age, Madam ! I have ob- 
 ferv'd (he does not eat, nor me does not fleep , fhc 
 fighs and (he cries, and fhe loves Moon-light ; thefe, 
 I take it, are very ftrong Symptoms. 
 
 Aunt. They are very unaccountable, I mud con- 
 fefs ; but you talk from a deprav'd Mind, Tag \ her's 
 is fimple and untainted. 
 
 Tag. She'll make him a Cuckold tho' for all that, 
 if you force her to marry him. 
 
 Aunt. You mock ,me, Tag, with your coarfc Ex- 
 prellions ; I tell you, her Chaftity will be her Guard, 
 let her Hufband be what he will. 
 
 Tag. Chaftity ? never truft to that, Madam ; get 
 her a Hufband that's fit for her, and I'll be bound 
 for her Virtue ; but with luch a one as Sir Simon, I'm 
 a Rogue if I'd anfwer for my own. 
 
 Aunt. Well, Tag, the Child (hall never have Rea- 
 fon to repent of my Severity ; I was going before 
 t my Lawyer's to fpeak about the Articles of Mar- 
 riage,
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 11 
 
 riage, I will now put a Stop to 'em for fome time, 
 till we can make farther Discoveries. 
 
 'Tag. Heav'n will blefs you for your Goodnefs ; 
 look where the poor Bird comes, quite mop'd and 
 melancholy , I'll fet my Pump to work, and draw 
 fomething from her before you return, I warrant 
 you. [Exit Aunt.] There goes a Miracle; fhe has 
 neither Pride, Envy, or Ill-nature, and yet is near 
 fixty, and a Virgin. 
 
 Enter Biddy. 
 
 Biddy. How unfortunate a poor Girl am I ! dare 
 not tell my Secrets to any body, and if I don't I'm 
 undone Heigho ! \Jighs] Pray Tag, is my Aunt 
 gone to her Lawyer about me ? Heigho! 
 
 'Tag. What's that Sigh for, my dear young Mif- 
 trefs ? 
 
 Biddy. I did not figh, not I [Sighs.] 
 
 Tag. Nay, never gulp 'em down, they are the 
 worft Things you can fwallow. There's fomething 
 in that little Heart of yours, that fwells it and puffs 
 it, and will burft it at laft, if you don't give it 
 Vent. 
 
 Biddy. What would you have me tell you ? 
 {Sighs.-} 
 
 Tag. Come, come, you are afraid I'll betray you, 
 but you had as good fpeak, I may do you fome Ser- 
 vice you little think of. 
 
 Biddy. It is not in your Power, Tag, to give me 
 what I want. [Sighs.] 
 
 Tag. Not directly, perhaps; but I may be the 
 
 Means of helping you to it j as for Example If 
 
 you mould not like to marry the old Man your 
 Aunt dcfigns for you, one may find a Way ta 
 break 
 
 Biddy. His Neck, Tag,
 
 12 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 fa*. Or the Match -, either will do, Child. 
 
 Biddy. I don't care which indeed, To I was clear 
 
 of him 1 don't think I'm fit to be mar- 
 
 ry'd. 
 
 /itff. To him you mean You have no Objec- 
 tion to Marriage, but the Man, and I applaud you 
 for it: But come, Courage, Mils, never keep it in j 
 out with it all 
 
 Biddy. If you'll nflc me any Queftions, I'll anfwer 
 'em, but I can't tell you any thing of myfelf, I fhall 
 blufli if I do. 
 
 Tag. Well .then In thefirft Place pray tell me, 
 
 Biddy BejJair, if you don't like ibmebody bet- 
 ter than old Sir Simon Loieit ? 
 
 Biddy. Heigho! 
 
 fag. What's Heigho, Mifs ? 
 
 Biddy. When I fay Heigho ! it means yes. 
 
 Tag. Very well ; and this Somebody is a young, 
 handfome Fellow ? 
 
 Biddy. Heigho ! 
 
 Tag. And if you were once his, you'd be as mer- 
 ry as the beft of us ? 
 
 Biddy. Heigho ! 
 
 Tag. So far fo good , and fince I have got you to 
 wet your Feet, foufe over Head at once, and the 
 Pain will be over. 
 
 Biddy. There- then, [st long Sigb.~\ Now help 
 
 me out, Tag, as fad as you can. 
 
 Tag. When did you hear from your Gallant ? 
 
 Biddy. Never fince he went to the Army. 
 
 Tag. How fo ? 
 
 Biddy. I was afraid the Letters would fall into my 
 Aunt's Hands, fo I would not kt him write to me j 
 but I had a better Realbn then. 
 
 Tag. Pray kt's hear that too. 
 
 Biddy. Why, I thought if I mould write to him 
 and promife him to love no body elfe, and fhould 
 
 afterwards
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 13 
 
 afterwards change my Mind, he might think I wa 
 inconftant, and call me a Coquette. 
 
 Tag. What a iimple innocent it is ! [A/ide.] And 
 have you chang'd your Mind, Mifs ? 
 
 Biddy. No indeed, Tag, I love him the beft of 
 any of 'em. 
 
 'Tag. Of any of 'em ! Why, have you any 
 more ? 
 
 Biddy. Pray don't afk me. 
 
 Tag. Nay, Mifs, if you only truft me by Halves, 
 you can't expecl 
 
 Biddy. I will truft you with every thing. . 
 
 When I parted with him, I grew melancholy ; fo in 
 order to divert me, I have let two others court me till 
 he returns again. 
 
 Tag. Is that all, my Dear ? mighty fimple, in- 
 deed. \_Afide. 
 
 Biddy. One of 'em is a fine bluft'rmg Man, and 
 is call'd Captain Flajh ; he's always talking of Fight- 
 ing, and Wars ; he thinks he's lure of me, but I 
 fhall baulk him ; we fhall fee him this Afternoon, 
 for he prefs'd ftrongly to come, and I have given 
 him Leave, while my Aunt's taking her Afternoon's 
 Nap. 
 
 'Tag. And who is the other, pray ? 
 
 Biddy. Quite another Sort of a Man, he fpeaks 
 like a Lady for all the World, and never fwears as 
 Mr. Flajh does, but wears nice white Gloves, and 
 tells me what Ribbons become my Complexion, 
 where to flick my Patches, who is the beft Mil- 
 lener, where they fell the beft Tea, and which is the 
 beft Warn for the Face, and the beft Pafte for. the 
 Hands ; he is always playing with my Fan, and 
 Ihewing his Teeth, and whenever I fpeak he pats 
 
 me fo and cries, The Devil take me, Mifs+ 
 
 Biddy, fat yotfll be my PerSition Ha, ha, 
 
 ha !
 
 I4 MISS in far TEENS.' 
 
 Tag. Oh the pretty Creature ! And what do you 
 
 call him, pray ? 
 
 Biddy. His Name's Frityk; you fhall fee him too, 
 
 for by Miftake I appointed 'em at the lame Time -, 
 
 but you muft help me out with 'em. 
 
 Tag. And fuppole your Favourite fhould come 
 
 Biddy. I fhould not care what became of the 
 others. 
 
 Fag. What's his Name ? 
 
 Biddy. It begins with an R <h - o 
 
 fag. I'll be hang'd if it is not Rhodopbil. 
 
 Biddy. 1 am frighten'd at you ! You are a Witch, 
 
 ' 
 
 Tag. I am fo, and I can tell your Fortune too. 
 1-ook me in the Face. The Gentleman you love 
 fnoft in the World will be at our Houfe this After- 
 noon ; he arriv'd from the Army this Morning, and 
 dies till he fees you. 
 
 Biddy. Is he come, Tag ? Don't joke with me 
 
 Tag. Not to keep you longer in Sufpence, you 
 muft know the Servant of your Strepbon, by fome 
 unaccountable Fate or other, is my Lord and Maf- 
 tcr -, he has juft been with me, told me of his Maf- 
 Ter's Arrival and Impatience - 
 
 Biddy. Oh my dear, dear Tag, you have put me 
 out of my Wits I am all over in a Flutter. I lhall 
 leap out of my Skin I don't know what to do 
 with myfelf Is he come, Tag ? I am ready to faint 
 I'd give the World I had put on my Pink and 
 Silver Robings to-day. 
 
 Tag. I afl"ure you, Mifs, you look charmingly ! 
 
 Biddy. Do I indeed tho' ? I'll put a little Patch 
 under my left Eye, and powder my Hair immedi- 
 ately. 
 
 Tag. We'll go to Dinner firft, and then I'll aflift 
 you. 
 
 4 Bidfy.
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 15 
 
 Biddy- Dinner! I can't cat a Morfel I don'c 
 know what's the matter with me my Ears tingle, 
 my Heart beats, my Face flumes, and I tremble every 
 
 Joint of me 1 muft run in and look at myfelf in 
 
 the Glafs this Moment. 
 
 'Tag. Yes, me has it, and deeply too ; this is no 
 Hypocrify 
 
 Not Art, but Nature now performs her Part. 
 And every Word's the Language of the Heart. 
 
 END of ihe FIRST AcrJ 
 
 ACT
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 ACT II. SCENE ' L 
 
 SCENE continues. 
 
 Enter Captain Loveit, Biddy, Tag, find Puff. 
 
 Capt. 'TpO find you ftill conftant, and to arrive 
 X at fuch a critical Juncture, is the Height 
 of Fortune and Happinefs. 
 
 Biddy. Nothing mail force me from you ; and if 
 I am fccure of your Affections 
 
 Puff". I'll be bound for him, Madam, and give 
 you any Security you can afk. 
 
 Tag. Every thing goes on to our \Vifli, Sir, I 
 juft now had a fecond Conference with my old 
 Lady, and me was fo convinced bjf my Arguments, 
 that (he returned inttantly to the Lawyer to forbid 
 the drawing out of any Writings at all, and fhe is 
 determined never to thwart Mils's Inclinations, and 
 left it to us to give the old Gentleman his Difcharge 
 at the next Vifit. 
 
 Capt. Shall I undertake the old Dragon ? 
 
 Tag. If we have Occafion for Help, we mail call 
 for you. 
 
 Biddy. I expect him every Moment, therefore I'll 
 tell you what, Rljodcpbil, you and your Man (hall be 
 lock'd up in my Bed-chamber till we have fettled 
 Matters with the old Gentleman. 
 
 Capt. Do what you pleafe with inc. 
 
 Biddy.
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 17 
 
 Biddy. You muft not be impatient tho'. 
 
 Capt. I can undergo any thing with fuch a Reward 
 in View; one Kifs and I'll be quite refign'd and now 
 mew me the Way. [Exeunf. 
 
 Tag. Come, Sirrah, when I have got you under 
 Lock and Key, I (hall bring you to Rcafon. 
 
 Puff. Are your Wedding-clothes ready, my Dove? 
 The Certificate's come. 
 
 Tag. Go follow your Captain, Sirrah march 
 You may thank Heav'n I had Patience to ftay fo 
 long. [Exeunf Tag and Puff. 
 
 Enter Biddy. 
 
 Biddy. I was very much alarm'd for fear my two' 
 Gallants mould come in upon us unawares , we mould 
 have had fad Work if they had j I find I love Rho- 
 dopbil vaftly, for tho 1 my other Sparks flatter me 
 
 more, I can't abide the Thoughts of 'em now . 
 
 I have Bufmefs upon my Hands enough to turn 
 my little Head ; but egad my Heart's good, and 
 
 a Fig for Dangers let me fee, what (hall I 
 
 do with my two Gallants ? I muft, at leaft, pare 
 with 'em decently ; fuppofe I fet 'em together by 
 the Ears ? The luckieft Thought in the World ! 
 For if they won't quarrel (as I believe they won't) 
 I can break with them for Cowards, and very juftly 
 difmifs 'em my Service , and if they will fight, and 
 one of 'em mould be kilPd, the other will certainly 
 be hang'd, or run away ; and fo I (hall very hand- 
 
 fomely get rid of both 1 am glad I have fettled 
 
 it fo purely. 
 
 Enter Tag. 
 
 Well, Tag, are they fafe ? 
 
 Tag. I think fo; the Door's double-locked, a"nd I 
 have the Key in my Pocker. 
 
 C 1 Biddy.
 
 i8 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 Biddy. That's pure ; but have you given them any 
 thing to divert 'cm ? 
 
 Tag. I have given the Captain one of your old 
 Gloves to mumble ; hut my Strephon is diverting 
 himfelf with the more fubftantial Comforts of a cold 
 Ven'fon Party. 
 
 Biddy. What mail we. do with the next that 
 comes ? 
 
 fag. If Mr. Fribble comes firft, I'll clap him up 
 into my Lady's Store-room -, I fuppofe he is a great 
 Maker of Marmalade himfelf, and will have an Op- 
 portunity of making ibme critical Remarks upon our 
 Paftry and Sweetmeats. 
 
 Biddy. When one of 'em comes, do you go and 
 watch for the other, and as foon as you fee him, 
 run in to us and pretend it is my Aunt, and fo 
 we ihall have an Excufe to lock him up till we want 
 him. 
 
 Tag. You may depend upon me i here is one of 
 'em. 
 
 Enter Fribble. 
 
 Biddy. Mr. Fribble, your Servant 
 
 Frib. Mifs Biddy , your Slave- 1 hope I have 
 
 not come upon you abruptly ; ' I mould have waited 
 upon you fooner, but an Accident happen'd that 
 difcompos'd me fo, that I was oblig'd to go home 
 to take Drops. 
 
 Biddy. Indeed you don't look well, Sir. Go, 
 
 f, and do as I bid you. 
 
 Tag. I will, Madam. [Exit. 
 
 Biddy. I have fet my Maid to watch my Aunt, 
 that we mayn't be furpriz'd by her. 
 
 Frib. Your Prudence is equal to your Beauty, 
 
 Mifs, and I hope your permitting me to kifs your 
 
 i Hands,
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 19 
 
 Hands, will be no Impeachment to your Under- 
 ftanding. 
 
 Biddy. I hate the Sight of him. \_Afide. ~\ I was 
 afraid I fhould not have had the Pleafure of feeing 
 you ; pray let me know what Accident you met with, 
 and what's the Matter with your Hand ? I (han't be 
 eafy till I know. 
 
 Frib. Well, I vow, Mifs Biddy^ you're a good 
 
 Creeter^ I'll endeavour to mufter up what 
 
 little Spirits I have, and tell you the whole Affair 
 
 Hem ! But firft you muft give me Leave 
 
 to make you a Prefent of a fmall Pot of my Lip- 
 Salve : My Servant made it this Morning ; the In- 
 gredients are innocent, I aflure you j nothing but 
 the bed Virgin-wax, Confer ve of Roles, and Lily of 
 the Valley Water. 
 
 Biddy. I thank you, Sir, but my Lips are generally 
 red, and when they an't, I bite 'em. 
 
 Frib. I bite my own, fometimes, to pout 'em 
 a little, .but this will give 'em a Softnefs, Colour, 
 
 and an agreeable Mvifter. Thus let me make 
 
 an humble Offering at that Shrine, where I have 
 already lacrih'ced my Heart. 
 
 [Kneels and gives the Pot. 
 
 Biddy. Upon my Word that's very prettily ex- 
 prels'd -, you are pofuively the beft Company in 
 
 the World -I wiih he was out of the Houfe. 
 
 {Afide. 
 Frib. But to return to my Accident, and the 
 
 Reafon why my Hand is in this Condition 
 
 I beg you'll excule the Appearance of it, and 
 be latisfy'cl that nothing but mere Neceflity 
 could have fcrc'd me to appear thus muffled before 
 you. 
 
 Biddy. I am very willing to excufe any Misfortune 
 that happens to you, Sir. [Curt/ies. 
 
 C 2 Frib.
 
 20 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 Frib. You arc vaftly good, indeed, thus 
 
 it W as Hem! You muft know, Mils, 
 
 there is not an Animal in the Creation I have fo 
 greac an Averfion to, as to Hackney-coach Fel- 
 lows As I was coming out ot my Lodgings, 
 
 Says one of 'em to me, Would your Honour 
 
 bave a Coach ? No, Man, laid I, not now 
 
 (with all the Civility imaginable) I'll carry you 
 
 and your Doll too y (laid he) Mijs Margery, for the fame 
 
 Price Upon which the mafculine Beafts about 
 
 us fell a laughing ; then I turn'd round in a great 
 Pafllon, Curie me, (fays I) Fellow, but I'll trounce 
 
 thee. And, as I was holding out my Hand 
 
 in a threatning Pcfter thus , he makes a Cut 
 
 at me with his Whip, and llriking me over the 
 Nail of my little Finger, it gave me fuch exquifite 
 Torter that I fainted away ; and while I was in this 
 Condition, the Mob pick'd my Pocket of my Purle, 
 my Scifiars, my Mocco Smelling-Bottle, and my 
 Hufwife. 
 
 Biddy. I fhall laugh in his Face, [dfide.] I am 
 afraid you are in great Pain -, pray lit down, Mr. 
 Fribble, but I hope your Hand is in no Danger. 
 
 \fktyfit. 
 
 Frib. Not in the lead, Ma'am ; pray don't be ap- 
 prehenfive A Milk-poultice, and a gentle Sweat 
 To-night, with a little Manna in the Morning, I am 
 confident, will relieve me entirely. 
 
 Biddy. But pray, Mr. Fribble, do you make ufe of 
 a Hufwife ? 
 
 Frib. I can't do without it, Ma'am -, there is a 
 Club of us, all young Batchelors, the fweeteft So- 
 ciety in the World ; and we meet three times a Week 
 at each others Lodgings, where we drink Tea, 
 hear the Chat of the Day, invent Fafhions for the 
 Ladies, make Models of 'em, and cut out Patterns 
 in Paper. We were the firft Inventors of Knotting, 
 
 and
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 21 
 
 and this Fringe is the original Produce and joint La- 
 bour of our little Community. 
 
 Biddy. And who are your pretty Set, pray ? 
 
 Frib. There's Phil. Wbiffie, Jacky Wagtail, my 
 Lord Trip, Billy Dimple, Sir Dilberry Diddle, and your 
 humble 
 
 Biddy. What a fweet Collection of happy Crea- 
 tures ! 
 
 Frib. Indeed, and fo we are, Mifs But a 
 
 prodigious Fracas difconcerted us fome time ago at 
 
 Billy Dimple's three drunken naughty Women 
 
 of the Town burft into our Club-room, curft us ail, 
 threw down the China, broke fix Looking-glaffes, 
 Icalded us with the Slop-bafon, and fcrat poor Phil. 
 Whiff.?* Cheek in fuch a Manner, that he has kept 
 his Bed thefe three Weeks. 
 
 Biddy. Indeed, Mr. Fribble, I think all our Sex 
 have great Reafon to be angry ; for if you are fo 
 happy now you are Batchelors, the Ladies may with 
 and figh to very little Purpofe. 
 
 Frib. You are miflaken, I aflure you ; I am pro- 
 digioufly rallied about my Pafiion for you, I can tell 
 you that, and am look'd upon as loft to our Society 
 already ; He, he, he ! 
 
 Biddy. Pray, Mr. Fribble, now you have gone fo 
 far, don't think me impudent if I long to know how 
 you intended to ufe the Lady who (hall be honour'd 
 with your Affections ? 
 
 Frib. Not as moft other Wives are ufed, I aflure 
 you ; all the domeftick Bufmefs v/ill be taken off 
 her Hands ; I (hall make the Tea, comb the Dogs, 
 and drefs the Children mylelf ; fo that tho' I'm a 
 Commoner, Mrs. Fribble will lead the Life of a 
 Woman of Quality ; for me will have nothing to 
 do, but lie in Bed, play at Cards, and fcold the 
 Servants., 
 
 Biddy. What a happy Creature fhe mud be ! 
 
 C 3 Frib.
 
 22 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 Frib. Do you really think fo ? Then pray let me 
 have a \\itlcferotis Talk with you Tho' my Pal- 
 lion is not of a long Handing, I hope the Sincerity 
 of my Intentions 
 
 Bidiiy. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Frib. Go, you wild Thing. [Pats her."] The 
 
 Devil take me but there is no talking to you.- 
 
 How can you life me in this barbarous Manner ! If 
 I had the Conftitution of an Alderman it would 
 
 fink under my Sufferings. Hooman Natcr can't 
 
 fupport it. 
 
 Biddv. Why, what would you do with me, Mr. 
 Fribble? 
 
 Frib. Well, I vow III beat you if you talk fo 
 
 Don't look at me in that Manner Flelh and 
 
 Blood can't bear it 1 could but I won't grow 
 
 indecent 
 
 Biddy. But pray, Sir, where are the Verfes you 
 were to write upon me ? I find if a young Lady de- 
 pends too much upon fuch fine Gentlemen as you, 
 flie'll certainly be difappointed. 
 
 Frib. I vow, the Flutter I was put into this 
 
 Afternoon has quite turn'd my Senfes here 
 
 they are tho' and I believe you'll like 
 
 'em. 
 
 Biddy. There can be no Doubt of ir. 
 
 [Cur t fey s. 
 
 Frib. I proteft, Mifs, I don't like that Curtly 
 Look at me, and always rife in this Manner. 
 [Skews her.'] But, my dear Greet er, who put on 
 your Cap to-day ? They have made a Fright of you, 
 and it is as yellow as old Lady Crowfoot's Neck. 
 
 When we are fettled, I'll drefs your Heads 
 
 myfclf. 
 
 Biddv. Pray read the Verfes to me, Mr. Frib- 
 ble. 
 
 5 Frib.
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 23 
 
 Frib. I obey liem ! William Fribble , 
 
 Efq; to Mifs Biddy Beilair greeting. 
 
 No Ice fo bard y fo cold as /, 
 "fill warned and f of ten' d by your Eye -, 
 And now my Heart dtjjblves away 
 In Dreams by Night, in Sighs by Day ; 
 No brutal PaJJion fires my Breaft, 
 Whuk loath s the Objeft when pojjefs 'd ; 
 But one of harmlefs, gentle Kind, 
 Wbofe Joys are center* din the Mind ; 
 Then take with me, Love's better Part, 
 His downy IVing, but not bis Dart. 
 
 How do you like 'em ? 
 
 Biddy, Ha, ha, ha ! I fwear they are very pret- 
 ty but I don'c quite underftand 'em. 
 
 Frib. Thefe light Pieces are never fo well under- 
 flood in Reading as ,Singing -, I have fee 'em my- 
 felf, and will endeavour to give 'em you La la 
 I have an abominable Cold, and can't fing a 
 Note ; however the Tune's nothing, the Manner's 
 all. 
 
 No Ice fo hard, &c. [Sings.] 
 
 Enter Tag, running. 
 
 Tag. Your Aunt, your Aunt, your Aunt, Ma- 
 dam ! 
 
 Frib. What's the Matter ? 
 
 Biddy. Hide, hide Mr. Fribble, Tag, or we are 
 ruin'd. 
 
 Frib. Oh ! for Heav'ns fake, put me any where, 
 fo I don't dirty my Clothes. 
 
 Biddy. Put him into the Store-room, Tag, this 
 Moment. 
 
 C 4 Frib.
 
 24 M I S S in her T E E N S. 
 
 Frib. Is it a damp Place, Mrs. Tag? The Floor 
 is boarded, I hope ? 
 
 Tag. Indeed it is not, Sir. 
 
 Frib. "What (hall I do? I fhall certainly catch my 
 Death ! Where's my Cambrick Handkerchief, and 
 my Salts ? I mail certainly have my Hyltericks ! 
 
 [Runj in. 
 
 Biddy. In, in, in -- So now let the other 
 come as foon as he will ; I did not care if I had 
 twenty of 'em, fo they would but come one after 
 another. 
 
 Enter Tag. 
 
 Was my Aunt coming ? 
 
 Tag. No, 'twas Mr. Flajb, I fuppofc by the 
 Length of his Stride, and the Cock of his Hat. 
 He'll be here this Minute. -- What (hall we do 
 with him ? 
 
 Biddy. I'll manage him, I warrant you, and try 
 his Courage ; be fure you are ready to lecond me 
 we fhall have pure Sport. 
 
 Tag. Hum ! here he comes. 
 
 Enter Flafh fngitig^ 
 
 Flajh. Well my Bloflbm, here am I ! What Hopes 
 for a poor Dog, eh ? How ! the Maid here ! then 
 I've loll the Town, Dammee ! Not a Shilling to bribe 
 the Governor ; fhe'll fpring a Mine, and ;! mail be 
 blown to the Devil. 
 
 Biddy. Don't be afham'd, Mr. Flajb, I have told 
 Tag the whole Affair, and flic's my Friend, I can 
 allure you. 
 
 I'lajh. Is fhe? then fhe won't be mine, I am cer- 
 
 tain. [/Ifide.'] Well, Mrs. Tag, you know, I fup- 
 
 polc, what's to be done : This young Lady and I 
 
 Z have
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 25 
 
 have contracted ourfelves ; and fo, if you pleafe to 
 (land Bride-maid, why we'll fix the Wedding-day 
 dirtdly. 
 
 Tag. The Wedding-day, Sir ? 
 
 Flajh. The Wedding-day, Sir? Ay, Sir, the 
 Wedding-day, Sir, what have you to fay to that, 
 Sir? 
 
 Biddy. My dear Captain Flajh, don't make fuch a 
 Noife, you'll wake my Aunt. 
 
 Flajh. And fuppofc I did, Child, what then ? 
 
 Biddy. She'd be frighten'd out of her Wits. 
 
 Flajh. At me, Mifs ! frighten'd at me ? Tout an 
 contraire^ I allure you ; you miftake the Thing, 
 Child -, I have fome Reafon to believe I am not quite 
 fo mocking. [Affeftedly. 
 
 T'ag. Indeed, Sir, you flatter yourfelf But pray, 
 Sir, what are your Pretenfions ? 
 
 Flajh. The Lady's Promifes, my own Pafiion, 
 and the beft mounted Blade in the three Kingdoms. 
 If any Man can produce a better Title, let him take 
 her ; if not, the D 1 mince me, if I give up an 
 Atom of her. 
 
 Biddy. He's in a fine Pafiion, if he would but 
 hold it. 
 
 'Tag. Pray, Sir, hear Reafon a little. " 
 
 Flajh. I never do, Madam ; it is not my Method 
 of Proceeding ; here is my Logick ! [Draws his 
 Sword.] Sa, Sa, my beft Argument is Cart over 
 Arm, Madam, ha, ha, [hinges.] and if he anfwers 
 that, Madam, through my fmall Guts, my Breath, 
 
 Blood and Miltrefs are all at his Service Nothing 
 
 more, Madam. 
 
 Biddy. This '11 do, this '11 do. 
 
 Tag. But Sir, Sir, Sir ? 
 
 Flajh. But Madam, Madam, Madam : I pro- 
 fefs Blood, Madam, I was bred up to it from a 
 Child , I ftudy the Book of Fate, and the Camp is 
 
 my
 
 26 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 my Univerfity , I have attended the Le&ures of 
 Prince Charles upon the Rhine^ and Batbiani upon 
 the P0, and have extracted Knowledge from the 
 Mouth of a Cannon ; I'm not to be frighten'd with 
 Squibs, Madam, no, no. 
 
 Biddy. Pray dear Sir, don't mind her, but let me 
 prevail with you to go away this Time -Your Paf- 
 lion is very fine, to be lure, and when my Aunt and 
 fag are out of the Way, I'll let you know when I'd 
 have you come again. 
 
 Flajh. When you'd have me come again, Child ? 
 And fuppofe I never would come again, what do 
 you think of that now, ha ? You pretend to be 
 afraid of your Aunt ; your Aunt knows what's 
 what too well to refufe a good Match when 'tis of- 
 
 fer'd Lookee, Mifs, I'm a Man of Honour, 
 
 Glory is my Aim, I have told you the Road I am in, 
 and do you fee here, Child, [Shewing his Sword] no 
 Tricks upon Travellers. 
 
 Biddy. But pray, Sir, hear me. 
 
 Ffajh. No, no, no, I know the World, Madam : 
 I am as well known at Cogent -Gar den as the Dail, 
 Madam : I'll break a Lamp, bully a Conftable, bam 
 a Juftice, or bilk a Box-keeper, with any Man in 
 the Liberties of Wejlminjler : What do you think of 
 me now, Madam ? 
 
 Biddy. Pray don't be io furious, Sir. 
 
 Flajh. Come, come, come, few Words are beftj 
 fomebody's happier than fomebody, and I'm a poor 
 
 filly bellow ; ha, ha, That's all Look you, 
 
 Child, to be fhort, (for I'm a Man of Reflection) 
 I have but a Bagatelle to fay to you : I am in Love 
 with you up to Hell and Defperation, may the Sky 
 crulh me if I am not-^-But fmce there is ano- 
 ther more fortunate than I, adieu, Biddy! Pro- 
 lperity,to the happy Rival, Patience to poor Flajh ; 
 
 t>ut the firft Time we meet Gunpowder be my 
 
 Per-
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 27 
 
 Perdition, but I'll have the Honour to cut a Throat 
 with him. [Going. 
 
 Biddy. [Stopping him.'] You may meet with him 
 now if you pleafe. 
 
 Flajh. Now, may I ! - Where is he ! I'll facri- 
 fice the Villain. [Aloud. 
 
 Tag. Hufh ! he's but in the next Room. 
 
 Flajh. Is he ? Ram me [Low.'] into a Mortar-piece, 
 but I'll have Vengeance ; my Blood boils to be at 
 him -- Don't be frighten'd, Mifs ! 
 
 Biddy. No, Sir, I never was better pleas'd, I af- 
 fure you. 
 
 Flajh. I (hall foon do his Bufinefs. 
 
 Biddy. As foon as you pleafe, take your own 
 Time. 
 
 Tag. I'll fetch the Gentleman to you immediately. 
 
 [ Going. 
 
 Flajh. [Stopping her.'] Stay, ftay, a little ; what 
 a PafTion I am in ! Are you fure he is in the next 
 Room ? I mall certainly tear him to Pieces I would 
 fain murder him like a Gentleman too Befides, 
 this Family fhan't be brought into Trouble upon 
 my Account. I have it - I'll watch for him in the 
 Street, and mix his Blood with the Puddle of the 
 next Kennel. [Going. 
 
 Biddy. '[Stopping him.~\ No, pray, Mr. Flajh y let 
 me fee the Battle, I mail be glad to fee you fight for 
 me, you fhan't go, indeed. [Holding him. 
 
 Tag. [Holding him.] Oh, pray, let me fee you 
 fight ; there were two Gentlemen// Yefterday, and 
 my Miftrefs was never fo diverted in her Life I'll 
 fetch him out. [Exit. 
 
 Biddy. Do, ftick him, flick him, Captain Flafh \ 
 I fhall love you the better for it. 
 
 - n your Love, I wifh I was out of the 
 Houfe. 
 
 Biddy. 

 
 28 M I S S in her T E E N S. 
 
 Biddy. Here he is Now fpeak fome of your 
 
 hard Words, and run him through 
 
 Flajh. Don't be in Fits now [Afide to Biddy. 
 
 Biddy. Never fear me. 
 
 Enter Tag and Fribble. 
 
 Tag. [To Fribble.] Take it on my Word, Sir, 
 he is a Bully, and nothing elfe. 
 
 Frib. [Frightened.] I know you are my good 
 Friend, but perhaps you don't know his Diipoft- 
 tion. 
 
 Tag. I am confident he is a Coward. 
 
 Frib. Is he ? Nay, then I'm his Man. 
 
 Flajh. I like his Looks, but I'll not venture too 
 far at firft. 
 
 Tag. Speak to him, Sir. 
 
 Frib. 1 will I under ftand, Sir, hem- --that you 
 by Mrs. Tag here, Sir, who has inform'd me 
 hem that you have fent her, to inform me- 
 Sir, that you would be glad to fpeak with me 
 Demmee [Turns of. 
 
 Flajh. I can fpeak to you, Sir, -or to any Body, 
 Sir or I can let it alone and hold my Tongue,---if 
 I fee Occafion, Sir, Dammec turn* off. 
 
 Biddy. Well faid, Mr. Flajh ^ be in a Paflion. 
 
 Tag. [To Fribble.] Don't mind his Looks, he 
 changes Colour already -, to him, to him. 
 
 \PuJhes b;m. 
 
 Frib. Don't hurry me, Mrs. Tag, for Heaven's 
 fake ! I fhall be out of Breath before I begin, if 
 you do, Sir,- -[To Flafh.] If you can't fpeak to a 
 Gentleman in another Manner, Sir, why then I'll 
 venture to lay, you had better hold your Tongue--- 
 Oons. 
 
 Flfijh. Sir, you and I are of different Opinions. 
 
 Frib.
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 29 
 
 Frib. You and your Opinion may go to the Devil 
 Take that. [Turns off to Tag. 
 
 Tag. Well faid, Sir, the Day's your own. 
 
 Biddy. What's the Matter, Mr. Flajh ? Is all your 
 Fury gone ? Do you give me up ? 
 
 Frib. I have done his Bufmefs. [Struts about. 
 
 Flajh. Give you up, Madam ! No, Madam, when 
 I am determ'm'd in my Refolutions I am always 
 calm i 'tis our Way, Madam ; and now I mall pro- 
 ceed to Bufmefs. -Sir, I beg to lay a Word to you 
 in private. 
 
 Frib. Keep your Diftance, Fellow, and I'll an- 
 
 fwer you. That Lady has confefs'd a Pafiion for 
 
 me, and as fhe has delivered up her Heart into my 
 keeping, nothing but my 'arts Blood mall purchafe 
 it. Damnation ! 
 
 Tag. Bravo ! Bravo ! 
 
 Flajh. If thofe are the Conditions, 111 give you 
 Earned for it directly. [Draws.'] Now, Villain, 
 renounce all Right and Title this Minute, or the 
 Torrent of my Rage will overflow my Keafon, and 
 I {hall annihilate the Nothingnefs of your Soul and 
 Body in an Inftant. 
 
 Frib. I wifli there was a Conftable at hand to take 
 us both up j we fhall certainly do one another a 
 Prejudice. 
 
 Tag. No, you won't indeed, Sir ; pray bear up to 
 him ; if you wou'd but draw your Sword, and be in 
 a Pafifion, he would run away dire6lly. 
 
 Frib. Will he ? [Draws bis Sword.] Then I can 
 no longer contain myfclf- Hell and the Furies! 
 Come on, thou lavage Brute. 
 
 Tag. Go on, Sir. 
 
 Here tkey fland in fighting Pojlitres, while Biddy 
 and Tag -pujh 'em forward. 
 
 Flajh. Come on. 
 
 Biddy. Go on. 
 
 Frib.
 
 30 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 Frib. Come on, Raical. 
 fa*. Go on, Sir. 
 
 Enter Captain Loveit and Puff. 
 
 Cnpt. What's the Matter, my Dear ? 
 
 Biddy. If you won't fight, here's one that will. 
 Oh Rhodophi\ thefe two Sparks are your Rivals, 
 and have pefter'd me thefe two Months with their 
 Addrefies ; they forced themfelves into the Houfe, 
 and have been quarrelling about me, and difturbing 
 the Family; if they won't fight, pray kick 'em ouc 
 of the Houfe. 
 
 Capt. What's the Matter, Gentlemen ? 
 
 [They both keep their fencing Pofture. 
 
 Flajh. Don't part us, Sir. 
 
 Frib. No, pray Sir don't part us, we mall do you 
 a Mifchief. 
 
 Capt. Puff, look to the other Gentleman, and call 
 a Surgeon. 
 
 Biddy and fag. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Puff. Blefs me ! how can you ftand under your 
 Wounds, Sir ? 
 
 Frib. Am I hurt, Sir ? 
 
 Puff. Hurt, Sir ! why you have let me fee 
 pray ftand in the Light one, two, three, thro' the 
 Heart , and let me fee hum Eight thro' die imall 
 Guts ! Come, Sir, make it up the round Dozen, and 
 then we'll part you. 
 
 AIL Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Capt. Come here, Puff. 
 
 (Whifpert) and looks at Flam. 
 
 Puff. 'Tis the very fame, Sir. 
 
 Capt. [<To Flam.] Pray, Sir, have I not had the 
 Pleafure of feeing you abroad ? 
 
 Flajh. I have lerv'd abroad. 
 
 Capt.
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 31 
 
 Capt. Had not you the Misfortune, Sir, to be 
 miffing at the laft Engagement in Flanders ? 
 
 Flajh. I was found amongft the Dead in the Field 
 of Battle. 
 
 Puff. He was the firft that fell, Sir ; the Wind of 
 a Cannon-ball ftrnck him flat upon his Face -, he had 
 juft Strength enough to creep into a Ditch, and there 
 he was found after the Battle in a moft deplorable 
 Condition. 
 
 Capt. Pray, Sir, what Advancement did you get 
 by the Service of that Day ? 
 
 Flajh. My Wounds rendered me unfit for Service, 
 and I fold out. 
 
 Puff. Stole out, you mean. We hunted him by 
 Scent to the Water-fide, thence he took Shipping 
 for England* and, taking the Advantage of my Maf- 
 ter's Abfence, has attacked the Citadel, which we 
 are luckily come to relieve, and drive his Honour 
 into the Ditch again. 
 
 All Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Frib. He, he, he! 
 
 Capt. And now, Sir, how have you dar'd to fhew 
 your Face again in open Day, or wear even the Out- 
 fide of a Profeflion you have fo much fcandaliz'd by 
 your Behaviour ? I honour the Name of Soldier, 
 and as a Party concerned am bound not to fee it dif- 
 grac'd. As you have forfeited your Tirle to Honour, 
 deliver up your Sword this Inftanr. 
 
 Flajh. Nay, good Captain 
 
 Capt. No Words, . Sir. [Takes his Sword. 
 
 Frib. He's a fad Scoundrel; I wifh I had kick'd 
 him. 
 
 Capt. The next Thing I command leave this 
 Houfe, change the Colour of your Clothes and Fierce- 
 nefs of your Looks, appear from Top to Toe the 
 Wretch, the very Wretch thou art ; if e'er I meet thee 
 in the military Drefs again, or if you put on Looks 
 
 that
 
 3 2 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 that belye the native Bafenefs of thy Heart, be it 
 where it will, this (hall be the Reward of thy Impu- 
 dence and Difobcdience. 
 
 [Kicks him, he rims off. 
 
 Biddy. Oh, my dear Rhodophil ! 
 
 Frib. What an infamous Rafcal it is ! I thank you, 
 Sir, for this Favour j but I mud after, and cane him. 
 
 \Going, isftopt by the Captain. 
 
 Capt. One Word with you too, Sir. 
 
 Frib. With me, Sir ! 
 
 Capt. You need not tremble, I (han't ufe you 
 roughly. 
 
 Frib. I am certain of that, Sir -, but I am fadly 
 troubled with weak Nerves. 
 
 Capt. Thou art of a Species too defpicable for 
 Correction ; therefore be gone ; and if I fee you here 
 again, your Inlignificancy (han't protect you. 
 
 Frib. I am obliged to you for your Kindnefs ; 
 well, if ever I have any thing to do with Intrigues 
 again ! [Exit. 
 
 All. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Puff. Shall I eafe you of your Trophy, Sir ? 
 
 Capt. Take it, Puff, as a fmall Recompence 
 for thy Fidelity ; thou canft better ufe it than its 
 Owner. 
 
 Puff. I wifh your Honour had a Patent to take 
 fuch Trifles from every pretty Gentleman that could 
 fpare 'em ; I would fet up the largeft Cutler's Shop 
 in the Kingdom. 
 
 Capt. Well faid, Puff. 
 
 Biddy. But pray, Mr. Fox, how did you get out 
 of your Hole ? I thought you was lock'd in ? 
 
 Capt. I (hot the Bolt back when I heard a Noife, 
 and thinking you were in Danger, I broke my Con- 
 finement without any other Confideration than your 
 Safety. [ Ktff'es her Hand. 
 
 Sir Simon. [Without.] Biddy > Biddy > Why Tag, Tag. 
 
 Biddy.
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 33 
 
 Biddy. There's the old Gentleman ; run in, run in. 
 
 [Exeunt Captain and Puff. Tag opens the Door. 
 
 Enter Sir Simon and Jalper. 
 
 Sir Simon. Where have you been, Biddy ? Jafptr 
 and I have knock'd and call'd as loud and as long as 
 we were able : What were you doing, Child ? 
 
 Biddy. I was reading Part of a Play to Tag, and 
 we came as foon as we heard you. 
 
 Sir Simon. What Play, Moppet ? 
 Tag. The Old Batcbclor ; and we were juft got to 
 old Nykyn as you knock'd at the Door. 
 
 Sir Simon. I muft have you burn your Plays and 
 Romances now you are mine j they corrupt your In- 
 nocence ; and what can you learn from 'em ? 
 
 Biddy. What you can't teach me, I'm fure. 
 
 Sir Simon. Fy, fy, Child , I never heard you talk 
 at this Rate before -, I'm afraid, Tag, you put thelc 
 Things into her Head. 
 
 Tag. I, Sir ? I vow, Sir Simon, me knows more 
 than you can conceive j fhe furprizes me, I affure 
 you, though I have been married thefe two Years, 
 and liv'd with Batchelors moft Part of my Life. 
 
 Sir Simon. Do you hear, Jafpfr ? I'm all over in a 
 Sweat. Pray, Mils, have you not had Company this 
 Afternoon ? I faw a young Fop go out of the Houfe 
 as I was coming hither. 
 
 Biddy. You might have feen two, Sir Simon, if 
 your Eyes had been good. 
 
 Sir Simon. Do you hear, Jafyer? Sure the Child 
 is poflefs'd Pray, Mifs, what do they want here ? 
 
 Biddy. Me, Sir ; they wanted me. 
 
 Sir Sitwn. What did they want with you, I fay ? 
 
 Biddy. Why, what do you want with me ? 
 
 D 5;>
 
 34 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 Sir Simon. Do you hear, Jafper ? I am thunder- 
 ftruck ! I can't believe my own Ears ! Tell me the 
 Reafon, I fay, why 
 
 fag. I'll tell you the Reafon why, if you pleafe, 
 Sir Simon. Mils, you know, is a very filly young 
 Girl, and having found out (Heav'n knows how!) 
 that there is fomc little Difference between fixty-five 
 and twenty-five, (he's ridiculous enough to choole the 
 latter ; when if (he'd take my Advice 
 
 Sir Simon. You are right, 7rf, me wou'd take 
 me ? Eh ? 
 
 Tag. Yes, Sir, as the only Way to have both i for 
 if (he marries you, the other will follow of courfe. 
 
 Sir Simon. Do you hear, Jafper ? 
 
 Biddy. 'Tis very true, Sir Simon ; from knowing 
 no better, I have fct my Heart upon a young Man, 
 and a young one I'll have-, there have been three here 
 this Afternoon. 
 
 Sir Simon. Three, Jafper? 
 
 Biddy. And they have been quarreling about me, 
 and one has beat the other two. Now, Sir Simon, 
 if you'll take up the Conqueror and kick him, as he 
 has kick'd the others, you (hall have me for your 
 Reward, and my fifteen thoufand Pounds into the 
 Bargain. What fays my Hero ? Eh ? 
 
 [Slaps him on the Back. 
 
 Sir Simon. The World's at an End What's to 
 
 be done, Jafper ? 
 
 Jafper. Pack up and be gone i don't fight the 
 Match, Sir. 
 
 Sir Simon. Flefh and Blood can't bear it I'm all 
 over Agitation Hugh, hugh ! am I cheated by a 
 Baby, a Doll ? Where's your Aunt, you young 
 Cockatrice I'll let her know {he's a bafe Wo- 
 man, and you are . 
 
 BuiJy. You are in a fine Humour to mew your 
 VJour. Tag y fetch the Captain this Minute, while 
 
 Sir
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 35 
 
 Sir Simon is warm, and let him know he is waiting 
 here to cut his Throat [#//Tag.] I lock'd him up 
 in my Bed-chamber till you came. 
 
 Sir Simon. Here's an Imp of Darknefs ! What 
 would I give that my Son Bob was here to thrafh her 
 Spark, while I ravifh'd the reft of the Family. 
 
 Jafper. I believe we had beft retire, Sir. 
 
 Sir Simon. No, no, I muft fee her Bully firft ; and, 
 do you hear, Jafper, if I put him in a Paffion, do you 
 knock him down. 
 
 Jafper. Pray keep your Temper, Sir. 
 
 Enter Captain, Tag, and Puff. 
 
 Capt. [Approaching angrily.'] What is the Mean- 
 ing, Sir ? Ounds ! it is my Father, Puff-, what 
 
 ihall I do ? [Afide. 
 
 Puff. Drawing him by the Coat.] Kneel again, Sir. 
 
 Sir Simon. I am enchanted ! [Starting. 
 
 Capt. There is no Retreat, I muft (land it ! 
 
 Biddy. What's all this ? 
 
 Sir Simon. Your humble Servant, Captain Fire- 
 Bail. You are welcome from the Wars, noble 
 
 Captain. I did not think of being knock'd o'th'Head, 
 pr cut up alive by fo fine a Gentleman. 
 
 Capt. I am under fuch Confufion, Sir, that I have 
 not Power to convince you of my Innocence. 
 
 Sir Simon. Innocence ! pretty Lamb ! And fo, Sir, 
 you have left the Regiment, and the honourable Em- 
 ployment of fighting for your Country, to come 
 home and cut your Father's Throat ; why you'll be 
 a great Man in Time, Bob ! 
 
 Biddy. His Father, Tag ! 
 
 Sir Simon. Come, come, 'tis foon done one 
 
 Stroke does it or if you have any Qualms, lee 
 
 your 'Squire there perform the Operation. 
 
 Pa
 
 36 MISS in her TEENS. 
 
 Puff. Pray, Sir, don'c throw fuch Temptations in 
 my Way. 
 
 Capt. Hold your impudent Tongue ! 
 
 Sir Simon. Why don't you fpeak, Mr. Modejly ; 
 what Excufe have you for leaving the Army, I fay ? 
 
 Capt. My Affection to this Lady. 
 
 Sir Simon. Your Affe&ion, Puppy ! 
 
 Capt. Our Love, Sir, has been long and mutual ; 
 what Accidents have happened fince my going abroad, 
 and her leaving the Country, and how I have mod 
 unaccountably met you here, I am a Stranger to ; 
 but whatever Appearances may be, I ftill am, and 
 ever was, your dutiful, Son. 
 
 Biddy. He talks like an Angel, fag! 
 
 Sir Simon. Dutiful, Sirrah ! have not you rivalPd 
 your Father ? 
 
 Capt. No, Sir, you have rivaled me; my Claim 
 muft be prior to yours. 
 
 Biddy. Indeed, Sir Simcn, he can ftiew the beft 
 Title to me. 
 
 Jafper. Sir, Sir, the young Gentleman fpeaks well, 
 and as the Fortune will not go out of the Family, 
 I would advife you to drop your Refentment, be ro 
 concil'd to your Son, and relinquifh the Lady. 
 
 Sir Simon. Ay, ay, with all my Heart Look 
 
 ye, Son, I give you the Girl, {he's too much forme, 
 
 I confefs ; And take my Word, Bob t you'll catch 
 
 a Tartar. 
 
 Biddy. I afllire you, Sir Simon, I'm not the Pcrfon 
 you take me for; if I have us'd you any ways ill, 
 'twas for your Son's lake, who had my Promite and 
 Inclinations before you ; and tho* I believe I mould 
 have made you a mod uncomfortable Wife, I'll be 
 the beft Daughter to you in the World , and if you 
 (land in need of a Lady, my Aunt is difengag'd, and 
 is the beft Nurfe 
 
 4 Sir
 
 MISS in her TEENS. 37 
 
 Sir Simon. No. no, I thank you, Child ; you have 
 fb rarn'd my Stomach to Mamage, 1 have oo Appe- 
 tite lefr But where is this Aunt ? Won't fhe ftop 
 
 your Proceedings, think you ? 
 
 Tag. Sne's no # at her Lawyer's, Sir, and if you 
 pleaic to go with the young Couple, and give your 
 Approbation, II! anfwer for my old Lady's Conienr. 
 The Captain, and 1, Sir- 
 
 Sir Sinutn. Come, come, B'b, you are but an En- 
 fign, don't irnpofe on the Girl neither. 
 
 Capt. I bad the good Fortune, Sir, to "pleaie my 
 Royal General by my Behaviour in a fmail AcHon 
 with the Enemy, and hf gave me a Company. 
 
 Sir Simon. Bob, I wife you Joy ? This is News in- 
 deed ! And when we celebrate your Wedding, Son, 
 I'll drink a half Pint Bumper myfelf to your Ber.eracior. 
 
 Capt. And he deierves it, Sir; fbch a General, 
 by his Example and Juftice, animates us to Deeds of 
 Glory, and iniures us Conqueft. 
 
 Sir Simon. Right, my Boy - come along then. 
 
 Puff. Halt a little, Gentlemen and Ladies, if you, 
 pleaie : Every Body here ieems well fatis&ed but my iel 
 
 Capt. What's the Matter, Puff ? 
 
 Puff. Sir, as I would make ir.yielf worthy of fuch 
 a Matter, and the Name of a Soldier, I cannot put 
 up the leaft Injury to my Honour. 
 
 Sir Simon. Heyday ! What Flourilhes are thefe ? 
 
 Puff. Here is the Man ; come forth, Caitiff. [To 
 Jafper.] He hath confefs'd this Day, that in my Ab- 
 ience, he harh taken Freedoms with my lawful Wife, 
 and had dishonourable Intentions againU my Bed; 
 for which I demand Satisfaction. - 
 
 Sir Simim. [Striking AJ What Stuff is here, the 
 Fellow's Brain's turn'd. 
 
 Puff. .And crack'd too, Sir; but yen are my 
 Mailer's Father, and I fubmit, 
 
 ^
 
 38 MISS in bar TEENS. 
 
 Capt. Come, come, I'll fettle your Punctilios, and 
 will take Care of you and Tag hereafter, provided 
 you drop all Animofities, and fhake Hands this 
 Moment. 
 
 Puff. My Revenge gives way to my Intereft, and 
 I once again Jafper take thee to my Boiom. 
 
 Jafper. I'm your Friend again, Puff- but harkr 
 
 ye 1 fear you not ; and if you'll lay afide your 
 
 Steel there, as far as a broken Head or a black Eye, 
 I'm at your Service upon Demand. 
 
 Tag. You are very good at Crowing indeed, Mr. 
 Jafper ; but let me tell you, the Fool that is Rogue 
 enough to brag of a Woman's favours, muft be a 
 Dunghill every Way As for yon, my dear Hufband, 
 fhew your Manhood in a proper Place, and you need 
 not fear thefe Sheep-biters. 
 
 Sir Simon. The Abigail is pleafant I confefs, he, he ! 
 
 Biddy. I'm afraid the Town will be ill-natured 
 enough to think I have been a little coquetifh in my 
 Behaviour ; but, I hope, as I have been conftant to 
 the Captain, I fhall be excus'd diverting myfelf with 
 Pretenders. 
 
 Ladies, to Fops and Braggarts ne'er be kind, 
 No Charms can warm 'cm, and no Virtues bind; 
 Each Lover's Merit by his Conduct prove, 
 fails in Honour, will be falic in Love. 
 
 [Extunt* 
 
 E P I-
 
 By the fame Hand as the PROLOGUE. 
 Spoke by Mrs. PRITCHARD. 
 
 OOD Folks, I'm come at my young Lady's Bidding* 
 
 1*0 fay, You all are welcome to her Wedding. 
 Th* Exchange jhe made what Mortal here can blame ? 
 Shew me the Maid that would not do the fame. 
 For fure the great eft Monfter ever fe en, 
 Is doating Sixty coupled to Sixteen ! 
 When wintry Age had almoft caught the Fair, 
 Youth, clad in Sunjhine, fnatch'd her from Defpair : 
 Like a new Semele the Virgin lay, 
 And clafp'd her Lover in the Blaze of Day. 
 'Thus may each Maid the 'Toils almoft intr opt-in, 
 Change Old Sir Simon for the brifk young Captain. 
 Hove thefe Men of Arms, they know their Trade : 
 Let Daftards fue, the Sons cf Fire invade ! 
 They cannot bear around the Bait to nibble, 
 Like pretty, powder* d, patient Mr. Fribble : 
 To Dangers bred, and Jkilful in Command, 
 They ftorm theftrongeft Fortrefs, Sword in Hand! 
 Nights without Sleep, and Floods of Tears when waking. 
 Shewed poor Mifs Biddy was in piteous taking : 
 She's now quite well -, for Maids in that Condition, 
 Find the young Lover is the beft Phyfician ; 
 And without Helps of Art, or Boaft of Knowledge, 
 They cure more Women, faith, than all the College I 
 
 But
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 But to the Point I come with low Petition, 
 For, Fatih, poor Bayes is in a fad Condition ; 
 * The huge tall Hangman ftands to give the Blow, 
 And only waits your Pleasures Ay, or No. 
 Ifyoufoould Pit, Box, and Gallery, egad! 
 Joy turns his Senfes, and the Man runs mad : 
 But if your Ears are-Jhut, your Hearts are Rock, 
 And you pronounce the Sentence Block to Block, 
 Down kneels the Bard, and leaves you when he y s dead, 
 The empty Tribute of- another's Head. 
 
 * Alluding to Bajes's Prologue in the Rebearfal. 
 
 F i N i a
 
 THE 
 
 LYING VALET. 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY, 
 
 In Two ACTS, 
 
 As it is Performed at the 
 
 THEATRE-ROYAL in DRURY-LANE, 
 By His MAJESTY 's Servants. 
 
 By D. G A R R I C K. 
 THE SEVENTH EDITION. 
 
 LONDON, 
 
 Printed for PAUL VAILLANT. 
 MJOCCLXIX.
 
 Dramatis Perlbnae. 
 
 MEN. 
 
 Sharp [the Lying Valet] 
 Gaylefs - 
 Juftice Guttle 
 Beau Trippet 
 
 Dick 
 
 Mr. Garrick. 
 Mr. Elakes. 
 Mr. Tafwell. 
 Mr. Neat. 
 Mr. Tates. 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Melifla - 
 Kitty Pry 
 Mrs. Gadabout 
 Mrs. Trippet 
 
 Mifs Bennet. 
 
 Mrs. Clive. 
 
 Mrs. Crofs. 
 
 Mrs. Ridout.
 
 EPILOGUE 
 
 TO THE 
 
 LYING VALET. 
 
 Spoken by Mr. GARRICK. 
 
 THAT I'm a lying Rogue, you all agree: ") 
 And yet look round tbe World^ and you will fee r 
 How many more, my Betters, lye as f oft as me. -> 
 Againft this Vice we all are ever railing, ^ 
 
 And yet, fo tempting is it, fo prevailing, ( 
 
 Touli find but few without this uftful Failing. j 
 
 Lady or Abigail, my Lord or Will, 
 'The Lye goes round, and the Ball's never ftill. 
 My Lies were harmlefs, told to Jhew my Parts ; 
 And net like thofe, when Tongues belye their Hearts. 
 In all ProfeJJions you will find this Flaw ; 
 And in tbe graveft too, / Phyfic and in Law. 
 'The gouty Serjeant cries, with formal Paufe, 
 " Ti.ur Plea is good, my Friend, don't ft arve the Caufe" 
 But when my Lord decrees for t'other Side, 
 Tour Cojls of Suit convince you that he ly'd. 
 A Doftor comes with formal Wig cftid Face, 
 Firft feels your Pulfe, then thinks, and knows your Cafe. 
 " Tour Fever's jligbt, not dangerous, I ajjiire you ; 
 " Keep warm, and repetatur hauftus, Sir, will cure 
 
 Around
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 Around tie Bed, next Day his Friends are crying : 
 
 Tie Patient dies, the Do ft or* s paid for Lying. 
 
 The Poet, milling to fecurc the Pit, 
 
 Gives out, his Play has Humour^ Tafie, and Wit : 
 
 The Caufe comes on, and while the Judges try, 
 
 E&b Groan and Catcall gives the Bard the Lye. 
 
 Now let us ajk, pray, what the Ladies do : 
 
 They too will fib a little entre nous. 
 
 " Lord!" fa\s the Prude (her Face behind her Fan) 
 
 " How can cur Sex have any Jcy in Man ? 
 
 " As for my Part, the befl could ne'er deceive me, 
 
 " And were the Race cxtinft, 'twould n.vergrLve me : 
 
 " 'Their Si^bt is odious, but their Touch O Gad ! 
 
 *' The i kouglt of that's enough to drive one mad." 
 
 Thus rails at Man the fqueamijh Lady Dainty, 
 
 Yet weds, at Fifty five, a Rake of Twenty. 
 
 Injhort, a. Beau'j Intrigues, a Lover' j Sigks, > 
 
 The Courtier'j Promife, the rich Widow'j Cries, 
 
 And Patriot'j Zen I, are feldom more than Lyes. J 
 
 Sometimes you'll fee a Man belye his Nation, 
 
 Nor to his Country Jhew the leajl Relation. 
 
 For I r: fiance no:v 
 
 A cleanly Dutchman or a Frenchman grave, T 
 
 A fiber German, cr a Spaniard Lrave, 
 
 An Englishman a Coward or a Sieve. J 
 
 Mine, tbo* a fibbing, was en bovft Art : 
 
 Iferv'd my Mc.fi er, p ay' d a faithful Part : 
 
 Rank me not thirefcre 'wcngft the lying Crew, 
 
 For, tbo* my Tongue was talfe, my Heart was true. 
 
 THE
 
 THE 
 
 LYING VALET, 
 
 A C T L S C E N E I. 
 
 GAYLESS'S Lodgings. 
 Enter G A Y L E s s and SHARP. 
 
 SHARP. 
 
 W, Sir, (hall you be married 
 8( H S J^X To-morrow ? Eh, I'm afraid you 
 
 fhs& J oke wit ^ y ur P oor ^ umble Ser - 
 ^^ W W W W v a n t . 
 
 G^y." I "tell thee, Sharp, laft Night Me- 
 lifla confented, and fixed To-morrow for the 
 happy Day. 
 
 Sharp.
 
 8 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Sharp. 'Tis well me did, Sir, or it might 
 have been a dreadful one for us in our preient 
 Condition: All your Money fpent; yourMove- 
 ables fold ; your Honour almoft ruined, and 
 your humble Servant almoftftarved ; we could 
 not poffibly have flood it two Days longer - 
 But if this young Lady will marry you and re- 
 lieve us, o'my Confcience I'll turn Friend to 
 the Sex, rail no more at Matrimony, but 
 curfe the Whores, and think of a Wife my- 
 felf. 
 
 Gay. And yet, Sharp, when I think how I 
 have impofed upon her, I am almoft refolv'd to 
 throw myfelf at her Feet, tell her the real 
 Situation of my Affairs, afk her Pardon, and 
 implore her Pity. 
 
 Sharp. After Marriage with all my Heart, 
 Sir; but don't let your Confcience and Ho- 
 nour fo far get the better of your Poverty and 
 good Senfe, as to rely on fo great Uncertain- 
 ties as a fine Lady's Mercy and Good-nature. 
 
 Gay. I know her generous Temper, and 
 am almoft perfuaded to rely upon it: What, 
 becaufe I am poor, (hall I abandon my Ho- 
 nour ? 
 
 Sharp. Yes, you muft, Sir, or abandon me: 
 So, pray, difcharge one of us; for eat I muft, 
 and fpeedily too : and you know very well 
 that that Honour of yours will neither in- 
 troduce you to a great Man's Table, nor get 
 me Credit for a fmgle Beef-fteak. 
 
 Gay. What can I do ? 
 
 Sharp.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 9 
 
 Sharp. Nothing, while Honour fticks in 
 your Throat : Do, gulp, Matter, and down 
 with it. 
 
 Gay. Prithee leave me to my Thoughts. 
 
 Sharp. Leave you ! No, not in fuch bad 
 Company, I'll a/lure you ! Why you muft cer- 
 tainly be a very great Philofopher, Sir, to mo- 
 ralize and declaim fo charmingly as you do, 
 about Honour and Confcience, when your 
 Doors are beiet with Bailiffs, and not one fingle 
 Guinea in your Pocket to bribe the Villains. 
 
 Gay. Don't be witty, and give your Ad- 
 vice, Sirrah ! 
 
 Sharp. Do you be wife, and take ft, Sir. 
 But to be feriou?, you certainly have fpent 
 your Fortune, and out-liv'd your Credit, as 
 your Pockets and my Belly can teftify : Your 
 Father has difo wn'd you ; all your Friends for- 
 fook you, except myfelf, who am ftarving 
 with you. Now, Sir, if you marry this young 
 Lady, who as yet, thank Heaven, knows no- 
 thing of your Misfortunes, and by that means 
 procure a better Fortune than that you fquan- 
 der'd away, make a good Hufband, and turn 
 Oeconomift ; you {till may be happy, may ftili 
 be Sir William's Heir, and the Lady too no 
 Lofer by the Bargain : There's Reafon and 
 .Argument, Sir. 
 
 Gay. 'Twas with that Profpect I firft made 
 Love to her -, and though my Fortune has 
 been ill fpent, I have, at leaft, purchafed Dif- 
 cretion with it. 
 
 B Sharp.
 
 jo THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Sharp. Pray then convince me of that, Sir, 
 and make no more Objections to the Marriage. 
 You lee I am reduced to my Waiftcoat alrea- 
 dy; and when Neceflity has undrefs'd me from 
 Top to Toe, (he mutt begin with you 3 and 
 then we (hall be forced to keep Houfe and die 
 by Inches. Look you, Sir, if you won't re- 
 iolve to take my Advice, while you have one 
 Coat to your Back, I muft e'en take to my 
 Heels while I have Strength to run, and fome- 
 thing to cover me : So, Sir, wifhing you much 
 Comfort and Confolation with your bare Con- 
 fcience, I am your mod obedient and half- 
 ftarv'd Friend and Servant. [Going* 
 
 Gay. Hold, Sharp, you won't leave me. 
 
 Sharp. I muft eat, Sir; by my Honour and 
 Appetite I muft ! 
 
 Gay. Well then, I am refolv'd to favour the 
 Cheat, and as I (hall quite change my former 
 Courfe of Life, happy may be the Confe- 
 quences : At leaft of this I am fure 
 
 Sharp. That you can't be worfe than you 
 are at prefent. 
 
 G<ry. [A Knocking without.] Who's 
 there ? 
 
 Sharp. Some of your former good Friends, 
 who favoured you with Money at fifty per 
 Cent, and helped you to fpend it; and are 
 now become daily Memento's to you of the 
 Folly of trufting Rogues, following Whores, 
 and laughing at my Advice. 
 
 Gay.
 
 THE LYING VALET. n 
 
 Gay. Ceafe your Impertinence! to the Door! 
 if they are Duns, tell 'em my Marriage is now 
 certainly fix'd, and perfuade 'em ftill to forbear 
 a few Days longer, and keep my Circumftances 
 a Secret for their Sakes as well as my own. 
 
 Sharp. O never fear it, Sir; they ftill have 
 fo much Friendship for you, not to defire your 
 Ruin to their own Difadvantage. 
 
 Gay. And do you hear, Sharp, if it mou'd 
 be any body from Melifla, fay I am not at 
 home, left the bad Appearance we make here 
 ftiould make 'em fufpecl: fomething to our 
 Difadvantage. 
 
 Sharp. I'll obey you, Sir -, but I am afraid 
 they will eafily difcover the confumptive Si- 
 tuation of our Affairs by my chop-fallen 
 Countenance. [Exit Sharp. 
 
 Gay. Thefe very Rafcals who are now con- 
 tinually dunning and perfecuting me, were 
 the very Perfons who led me to my Ruin, 
 partook of my Profperity, and profefs'd the 
 greateft Friendship. 
 
 Sharp, [without] Upon my Word, Mrs. 
 Kitty, my Matter's not at Home. 
 
 Kitty, [without.] Lookee, Sharp, I mufl 
 and will fee him ! 
 
 Gay. Ha, what do I hear ? MeliiTa's Maid ! 
 What has brought her here ? My Poverty has 
 made her my Enemy too She is certainly 
 come with no good Intent No Friendship 
 there, without Fees She's coming up Stairs. 
 B 2 What
 
 12 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 What muft I do ? I'll get into this Clofet 
 and liften, [Exit Gaylefs. 
 
 Enter Sharp and Kitty. 
 
 Kitty. I muft know where he is, and will 
 know too, Mr. Impertinence! 
 
 Sharp. Not of me you won't. \Afide] He's 
 not within, I tell you, Mrs. Kitty ; I don't 
 know myfelf : Do you think I can conjure ? 
 
 Kitty. But I know you will lie abominably; 
 therefore don't trifle with me. I come from 
 my Miftrefs Melifla ; you know, I fuppofe, 
 what's to be done To-morrow Morning ? 
 
 Sharp. Ay, and To-morrow Night too, Girl ! 
 
 Kitty. Not if I can help it. [dfide.] 
 
 But come, where is your Mafter ? for fee him 
 I muft. 
 
 Sharp. Pray, Mrs, Kitty, what's your Opi- 
 nion of this Match between my Mafter and 
 your Miftrefs ? 
 
 Kitty. Why I have no Opinion of it at all; 
 and yet moft of our Wants will be reliev'd 
 by it too: For inftance now, your Mafter will 
 get a Fortune, that's what I'm afraid he 
 wants ; my Miftrefs will get a Hufband, that's 
 what me has wanted for fome time ; You 
 will have the Pleafure of my Con.verfation, 
 and I an Opportunity of breaking your Head 
 for your Impertinence. 
 
 Sharp. Madam, I'm your moft humble 
 Servant ! But I'll tell you what, Mrs. Kitty, 
 
 I
 
 THE LYING VALET. 13 
 
 I am pofitively againft the Match; fcr, was I 
 a Man of ray Mailer's Fortune 
 
 Kitty. You'd marry if youcou'd and mend 
 it. Ha, ha, ha! Pray, Sharp, where does 
 your Mafter's Eftate lie ? 
 
 Gay. Oh the Devil ! what a Qneftion was 
 there ! (>$&. 
 
 Sharp. Lie, lie ! why it lies faith, I can't 
 name any particular Place, it lies in fo many : 
 His Effects are divided, fome here, ibme there; 
 his Steward hardly knows himfelf. 
 
 Kitty. Scatter'd, fcatter'd, I fuppofe. But 
 harkee, Sharp, what's become ot your Fur- 
 niture ; You feern to be a little bare here at 
 prefent. 
 
 Gay. What has (he found out that too ? 
 
 Sharp. Why, you muftjtnow, as ioon as 
 the Wedding was fixed, my Mafter order'd 
 me to remove his Goods into a Friend's Houle, 
 to make room for a Ball which he defigns to 
 give here the Day after the Marriage. 
 
 Kitty. The luckieft Thing in the World ! 
 for my Miilrefs defigns to have a Bail and En- 
 tertainment here To-night before the Marri- 
 age; and that's my Bufinefs with your Mafter. 
 
 Sharp. The Devil it is ! [Jfde. 
 
 Kitty. Shell not have it publick, (he de- 
 Cgns to invite only eight or ten Couple of 
 Friends. 
 
 '/. No more?
 
 j 4 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Kitty. No more : And (he order'd me to 
 defire your Mafter not to make a great En- 
 tertainment. 
 
 Sharp. Oh, never fear 
 
 Kitty. Ten or a Dozen little nice Things, 
 with iome Fruit, I believe, will be enough 
 in all Confcience. 
 
 Sharp. Oh, curfe your Confcience! \_Afide. 
 
 Kitty. And what do you think I have done 
 of my own Head ? 
 
 Sharp. What? 
 
 Kitty. I have invited all my Lord Stately 's 
 Servants to come and fee you, and have a 
 Dance in the Kitchen: Won't your Maftcr 
 be furpriz'd ? 
 
 Sharp. Much fo, indeed 1 
 
 Kitty. Well, be quick and find out your 
 Mafter, and make what Hafte you can with 
 your Preparations: You have no Time to lofe. 
 Prithee, Sharp, what's the matter with 
 you ? I have not fcen you for fome Time, and 
 you feem to look a little thin. 
 
 Sharp. Oh my unfortunate Face ! {Afide. 
 I'm in pure good Health, thank you, Mrs. 
 Kitty; and I'll afTure you, I have a very good 
 Stomach, never better in all my Life; and J 
 am as full of Vigour, Huffy ! [Offers to kifs 
 
 her,"] 
 
 Kitty. What, with that Face ! Well, bye, 
 
 by e > [g i n g] on Sharp, what ill-looking 
 
 Fellows are thofe, were (landing about your 
 
 2 Door
 
 THE LYING VALET. 15 
 
 Door when I came in ? They want your 
 Matter, too, I fuppofe. 
 
 Sharp. Hum! Yes, they are waiting for him. 
 They are fome of his Tenants out of the 
 Country, that want to pay him fome Money. 
 
 Kitty. Tenants ! What, do you let his 
 Tenants ftand in the Street? 
 
 Sharp. They chufe it ; as they feldom come 
 to Town they are willing to fee as much of 
 it as they can, when they do; they are raw, 
 ignorant, honeft People. 
 
 Kitty. Well, I muft run home, farewell ! 
 But do you hear ? Get fomething fubflantial 
 for us in the Kitchen a Ham, a Turkey, or 
 what you will We'll be very merry; and be 
 fure to remove the Tables and Chairs away 
 there too, that we may have room to dance : 
 I can't bear to be confined in my French 
 Dances ; tal, lal, lal, [dancing."] Well, adieu ! 
 Without any Compliment, I fhall die if I 
 don't fee you foon. [Exit Kitty. 
 
 Sharp. And without any Compliment, I 
 pray Heaven you may ? 
 
 Enter Gaylefs. 
 
 [They look for fome Time forroiuful at each 
 other.} 
 
 Gay. Oh, Sharp ! 
 
 Sharp. Oh, Matter ! 
 
 Gay. We are certainly undone ! 
 
 Sharp. That's no News to me ! 
 
 Gay.
 
 16 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Gay. Eight or ten Couple of Dancers- 
 ten or a dozen little nice Dimes, with fome 
 Fruit my Lord Stately 's Servants, Ham and 
 Turkey ! 
 
 Sharp. Say no more ; the very Sound 
 creates an Appetite : And I am Cure of late I 
 have had no Occafion for Whetters and Prc- 
 vocratives. 
 
 Gay. Curs'd Misfortune ! What can we 
 do? " 
 
 Sharp. Hang ourfelves ; I fee no other Re- 
 medy - y except you have a Receipt to give a 
 Ball and a Supper without Meat or Mulickj. 
 
 Gay. MelilTahas certainly heard of my bad 
 Circumftances, and has invented this Scheme 
 to diftrefs me, and break off the Match. 
 
 Sharp. I don't believe it, Sirj begging your 
 Pardon. 
 
 Gay. No, why did her Maid then make fo 
 flricT: an Enquiry into my Fortune and Af- 
 fairs ? 
 
 Sharp. For two very fubftantial Reafons ; 
 the firft, to fatisfy a Curiofity, natural to her 
 as a Woman ; the fecond, to have the Plea- 
 lure of my Converfation, very natural to her 
 as a Woman of Tafte and Underftanding. 
 
 Gay. Prithee be more ferious : Is not our 
 All at flake ? 
 
 Sharp. Yes, Sir : And yet that All of ours 
 is of fo little Confequence, that a Man, with 
 a very fmall Share of Philofophy, may part 
 from it without much Pain or Uneafmefs. 
 
 How-
 
 THE LYING VALET. 17 
 
 However, Sir, I'll convince you in half an 
 Hour, that v'lrs. Melifla knows nothing of 
 your Circumftances ; and I'll tell you what 
 too, Sir, (he (han't be here to-night, and yet 
 you (hall marry her to-morrow Morning. 
 
 Gay. How, how, dear Sharp ! 
 
 Sharp. 'Tis here, here, Sir! Warm, warm, 
 and Delays will cool it ; therefore I'll away 
 to her, and do you be as merry as Love and 
 Poverty will permit you. 
 
 Wculd you fucceed, a faithful Friend depute, 
 lbofc Head can plan, and Front can executed 
 
 I am the Man, and I hope you neither 
 difpute my Friendship or Qualification. 
 Gay. Indeed, I don't. Prithee be gone. 
 Sharp. I fly. [Exeunt i 
 
 SCENE, Mclifla'j Lodgings. 
 Enter Meliffa and Kitty. 
 
 Mel. You furprife me, Kitty ! the Matter 
 not at home ! the Man in Confufion ! no 
 Furniture in the Houfe ! and ill-looking Fel- 
 lows about the Doors ! 'Tis all a Riddle. 
 
 Kitty. But very eafy to be explain'd. 
 
 Mel. Prithee explain it then, nor keep me 
 longer in Sufpence. 
 
 C Kitty.
 
 iS THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Kitty. The Affair is this, Madam, Mr* 
 Gaylefs is over Head and Ears in Debt ; you 
 are over liead and Ears in Love ; you'll mar- 
 ry him To-morrow ; the next Day, your 
 whole Fortune goes to his Creditors, and you 
 and your Children are to live comfortably up- 
 on the Remainder. 
 
 MeL I cannot think him bafe. 
 Kitty. But I know they are all bafe. You 
 are very young, and very ignorant of the Sex; 
 I am young too, but have more Experience : 
 You never was in Love before; I have been 
 in Love with an hundred, and try'd 'em all; 
 and know 'em to be a Parcel of barbarous, 
 perjured, deluding, bewitching Devils. 
 
 Mel. The low Wretches you have had to 
 do with, may anfwer the Character you give 
 
 'em ; but Mr. Gaylefs 
 
 Kitty. Is a Man, Madam. 
 MeL I hope fo, Kitty, or I would have no- 
 thing to do with him. 
 
 Kitty. With all my Heart I have given 
 you my Sentiments upon the Occafion, and 
 fhall leave you to your own Inclinations. 
 
 MeL Oh, Madam, I am much obliged to 
 you for your great Condefcenfion, ha, ha, ha! 
 However, I have fo great a Regard for your 
 Opinion, that had I certain Proofs of his Vil- 
 lainy 
 
 Kitty. Of his Poverty you may have a hun- 
 dred ; I am fure I have had none to the con- 
 trary. 
 
 P MeL
 
 THE LYING VALET. 19 
 
 Mel. Oh, there the Shoe pinches. [Afide: 
 Kitty. Nay, fo far from giving me the ulual 
 Perquifites of my Place, he has not fo much 
 as kept me in Temper with little endearing 
 Civilities j and one might reafonably expert 
 when a Man is deficient in one Way, that he 
 fhould make it up in another. 
 
 [Knocking without. 
 
 Mel. See who's at the Door. [Exit Kitty. 
 I muft be cautious how I hearken too much 
 to this Girl : Her bad Opinion of Mr. Gaylefs 
 feems to arife from his Difregard of her. 
 
 Enter Sharp and Kitty. 
 
 So, Sharp ; have you found your Mafter ? 
 Will Things be ready for the Ball and En- 
 tertainment ? 
 
 Sharp. To your Wifhes, Madam. I have 
 juft now befpoke the Mufick and Supper, and 
 wait now for your Ladymip's farther Com- 
 mands. 
 
 Met. My Compliments to your Mafter, and 
 let him know I and my Company will be 
 with him by Six ; we defign to drink Tea, 
 and play at Cards, before we dance. 
 
 Kitty. So {hall I and my Company, Mr. 
 Sharp. \Afide. 
 
 Sharp. Mighty well, Madam ! 
 
 Mel. Prithee, Sharp, what makes you 
 come without your Coat ? 'Tis too cool to. 
 go fo airy, fure. 
 
 C % Kitty*
 
 20 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Kitty. Mr. Sharp, Madam, is of a very hot 
 Conftitution, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Sharp. If it had been ever fo cool I have 
 had enough to warm me fince I came from 
 home, I'm fure; but no matter for that. 
 
 [Sighing. 
 
 Mel. What d'ye mean ? 
 
 Sharp. Pray don't afk me, Madam ; I be- 
 feech you don't : Let us change the Subject. 
 
 Kitty. Infill: upon knowing it, Madam- 
 My Curiofity muft be fatisfied, or i (hall 
 burft. {Afidc. 
 
 Mel. I do infift upon knowing On pain 
 of my Difpleafure, tell me ! 
 
 Sharp. If my M fter mould know I muft 
 net tell you, Madam, indeed. 
 
 Mel. I promife you, upon my Honour, he 
 never fhall. 
 
 Sharp. But can your Ladymip infure Se- 
 crecy from that Quarter ? 
 
 Kitty. Yes, Mr. Jackanapes, for any thing 
 you can fay. 
 
 Mel. I engage for her. 
 
 Sharp. Why then, in mort, Madam I 
 cannot tell you. 
 
 Mel. Don't trifle with me. 
 
 Sharp. Then fince you will have it, Madam, 
 I loft my Coat in Defence of your Repu- 
 tation. 
 
 Mel. In Defence of my Reputation ! 
 
 Sharp.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 21 
 
 Sharp. I will aflure you, Madam, I've fuf- 
 fer'd very much in Defence of it ; which is 
 more than I would have done for my own. 
 
 Mel. Prithee explain. 
 
 Sharp. In {hurt, Madam, you was feen 
 about a Month ago, to make a Vifit to my 
 Matter alone 
 
 Mel. Alone ! my Ser'ant was with me. 
 
 Sharp. What, Mrs. Kitty ? So much the 
 worfe ; for me was looked upon as my Pro- 
 perty; and I was brought in guilty as well 
 as you and my Matter. 
 
 Kitty. What, your Property, Jackanapes? 
 
 Mtl. What is all this? 
 
 Sharp. Why, Madam, as I came out but 
 now tp make Preparation for you and your 
 Company to-night; Mrs. Pryabout, the At- 
 torney's Wife at next Door calls to me 5 
 Harkee Fellow ! fays (he, Do you and your 
 modeft Matter know that my Hufband mall 
 indict your Houfe, at the next Parifh Meet- 
 ing, for a Nufance ? 
 
 Mel. A Nufance ! 
 
 Sharp. I faid fo A Nufance ! I believe 
 none in the Neighbourhood live with more 
 Decency and Regularity than I and my Maf- 
 ter, as is really the Cafe Decency and Re- 
 gularity, cries {he, with a sneer,- why, Sir- 
 rah, does not my Window look into your 
 Mailer's Bed-Chamber ? And did not he bring 
 
 in
 
 22 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 in a certain Lady, fuch a D-.y ? defcribing 
 you, Madam. And did not I '^e . 
 
 Mel. See! O fcandalons ! Wrut ? 
 
 Sharp. Modefty requires my Silence. 
 
 Mel. Did not you contradict her P 
 
 Sharp. Contradict her! Why, I told her I 
 was fure me ly'd : for zounds ! laid I, for I 
 could not help fwearing, I am fo well con- 
 vinced of the Lady's anci my Matter's Pru- 
 dence, that I am fure, had they a mind to 
 amufe themfelves they would certainly have 
 drawn the Window-Curtains. 
 
 Mel. What, did you fay nothing elfe ? Did 
 not you convince her of her Error and Im- 
 pertinence ? 
 
 Sharp. She fwore to fuch Things, that I 
 could do nothing hut fwear and call Names : 
 upon which, out bolts her Hufband upon me, 
 with a fine taper Crab in his Hand, and fell 
 upon me with fuch Violence, that, being half 
 delirious I made a full Confeffion. 
 
 Mel. A full Confeffion ! What did you con- 
 fefs ? 
 
 Sharp. That my Mafter lov'd Fornication j 
 that you had no Averfion to it ; that Mrs. 
 Kitty was a Bawd, and your humble Servant 
 a Pimp. 
 
 Kitty. A Bawd ! a Bawd ! Do I look like 
 a Bawd, Madam ? 
 
 Sharp. And fo, Madam, in the Scuffle, my 
 Coat was torn to Pieces as well as your Re-? 
 putation. 
 
 Af/A
 
 THE LYING VALET. 23 
 
 Mel. And fo you join'd to make me infa- 
 mous ! 
 
 Sharp. For Heaven's fake, Madam, what 
 could I do ? His Proofs fell fo thick upon 
 me, as Witnefs my Head, [Jbtwht? his Head 
 plajlerd} that I would have given up all the 
 Maidenheads in the Kingdom, rather than 
 have my Brains beat to a Jelly. 
 
 Mel. Very well ! but I'll be fevengied^- 
 And did not you tell your Mafter of this ? 
 
 Sharp. Tell him ! No, Madam. Had I 
 told him, his Love is fo violent for you, that 
 he would certainly have murdered half the 
 Attornies in Town by this Time. 
 
 Met. Very well! But I'm refolved not to 
 go to your Matter's To-night. 
 
 Sharp. Heavens and my Impudence be 
 praifed. \AJlde J\ 
 
 Kitty. Why not, Madam ? if you are not 
 guilty, face your Accufers. 
 
 Sharp. Oh the Devil ! ruin'd again ! \Afide^\ 
 To be fure, face 'em by all means, Madam- 
 They can but be abufive, and break the Win- 
 dows a little : Befides, Madam, I have 
 thought of a Way to make this Affair quite 
 diverting to you I have a fine Blunderbufs 
 charg'd with half a hundred Slugs, and my 
 Mafter has a delicate large Swifs Broad 
 Sword ; and between us, Madam, we mail 
 fo pepper and flice'em, that you will die with 
 laughing. 
 
 Met.
 
 24 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Mel What, at Murder ? 
 
 Kitty. Don't fear, Madam, there will be 
 no Murder if Sharp's concern'd. 
 
 Sharp. Murder, Mad^m ! 'Tis Self-defence; 
 befides, in thefc iort of Skirmifhes, there are 
 never more than two or three kill'd : for, 
 fuppofing they bring the whole Body of Mi- 
 litia upon us, down but with a Brace of them^ 
 and away fly the reft of the Covey. 
 
 MeL Perfuade me never fo much, I won't 
 go i that's my Refolution. 
 
 Kitty. Why then, I'll tell you what, Ma- 
 dam ; lince you are refolv'd not to go to the 
 Supper, fuppofe the Supper was to come to 
 you : 'Tis great Pity fuch great Preparations 
 as Mr. Sharp has made mould be thrown 
 away. 
 
 Sharp. So it is, as you fay, Mrs. Kitty. But 
 I can immediately run back and unbefpeak 
 what I have order'd ; 'tis foon done. 
 
 Mel. But then what Excufe can I fend to 
 your Mafter : He'll be very uneafy at my not 
 coming. 
 
 Sharp. Oh terribly fo ! but I have it 
 I'll tell him you are very much out of Order, 
 that you were fuddenly taken with the Va- 
 pours or Qualms ; or what you pleafe, Ma- 
 dam. 
 
 Mel. I'll leave it to you, Sharp, to make 
 my Apology; and there's Haifa Guinea for 
 you to help your Invention. 
 
 Sharp.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 25 
 
 Sharp. Haifa Guinea! 'Tis fo long fince 
 I had any thing to do with Money, that I 
 fcarcely know the current Coin of my own 
 Country. Oh, Sharp, what Talents haft 
 thou ! to fecure thy Mafter ; deceive his Mif- 
 trefs ; out-lie her Chambermaid ; and yet be 
 paid for thy Honefty ! But my Joy will dif- 
 coverme. \_Afide.*\ Madam, you have eternally 
 fix'd Timothy Sharp your mod obedient hum- 
 ble Servant Oh the Delights of Impudence 
 and a good Underftanding ! [Exit Sharp. 
 
 Kitty. Ha, ha, ha ! Was there ever fuch a 
 lying Varlet ! With his Slugs and his Broad 
 Swords ; his Attorneys and broken Heads, 
 and Nonfenfe ! Well, Madam, are you fatis- 
 fied now ? Do you want more Proofs ? 
 
 Mel. Of your Modefty I do: But I find, 
 you are refolv'd to give me none. 
 
 Kitty. Madam ? 
 
 Mel. I fee thro' your little mean Artifice : 
 you are endeavouring to lefTen Mr. Gaylefs in 
 my Opinion, becaufe he has not paid you for 
 Services he had no Occafion for. 
 
 Kitty. Pay me, Madam ! I am fure I have 
 very little Occafion to be angry with Mr. 
 Gaylefs for not paying me, when I believe, 
 'tis his general Practice. 
 
 Mel. Tis falfe! He's a Gentleman and a 
 Man of Honour, and you are 
 
 Kitty. Not in Love, I thank Heaven ! 
 
 \Curtfeying. 
 
 D Mtl.
 
 26 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Mel. You are a Fool. 
 
 Kitty. I have been in Love ; but I am much 
 wifer now. 
 
 Mel. Hold your Tongue, Impertinence ! 
 
 Kitty. That's the fevereft Thing me has 
 faid yet. [Afide. 
 
 Mel. Leave me. 
 
 Kitty. Oh this Love, this Love is the De- 
 vil ! [Exit Kitty. 
 
 Mel. We difcover our WeaknefTes to our 
 Servants, make them our Confidants, put 'em 
 upon an Equality with us, and fo they become 
 
 our Advifers Sharp's Behaviour, tho' I 
 
 feem'd to difregard it, makes me tremble 
 with Apprehenfions ; and tho' I have pre- 
 tended to be angry with Kitty for her Ad- 
 vice, I think it of too much Confequence to 
 be neglected. 
 
 Enter Kitty. 
 
 Kitty. May I fpeak, Madam ? 
 
 Mel. Don't be a Fool. What do you want ? 
 
 Kitty. There is a Servant juft come out of 
 the Country, fays, he belongs to Sir William 
 Gaylefs, and has got a Letter for you from his 
 Mafter upon very urgent Bufinefs. 
 
 Mel. Sir William Gaylefs ? What can this 
 mean ? Where is the Man ? 
 
 Kitty. In the Little Parlour, Madam. 
 
 Mel.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 27 
 
 Mel. I'll go to him My Heart flutters 
 ftrangely. [Exit Melifla. 
 
 Kitty. Oh Woman, Woman, foolifti Wo- 
 man ! (he'll certainly have this Gaylefs : Nay, 
 were (he as well convinc'd of his Poverty as I 
 am, (he'd have him A ftrong Dofe of Love 
 is worfe than one of Ratifia; when it once 
 gets into our Heads, it trips up our Heels, 
 and then Good Night to Difcretion. Here 
 is (he going to throw away fifteen thoufand 
 Pounds ; Upon what ? Faith, little better 
 than nothing. He's a Man, and that's all- 
 and Heaven knows mere Man is but fmall 
 Confolation. 
 
 Be ibis Advice purfu'd by each fond Maid, 
 Ne'er Jligbt the Subftancefor an empty Shade: 
 Rich* weighty Sparks alone Jhouldpleafe and cbarmyei 
 ForJbouldSpoufe cool, bis Goldwill always warm ye. 
 
 nd of the FIRST ACT. 
 
 D ^ ACT
 
 28 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 'Enter G A Y L E s s and SHARP. 
 
 Gay. "PJRithee be ferious, Sharp. Haft thou 
 really fucceded ? 
 
 Sharp. To our Wifhes, Sir. In mort I have 
 managed the Bufinefs with fuch Skill and 
 Dexterity, that neither your Circumftances 
 nor my Veracity are fufpected. 
 
 Gay. But how haft thou excufed me from 
 the Ball and Entertainment ? 
 
 Sharp. Beyond Expectation, Sir. But in 
 that Particular I was obliged tohaveRecourfe 
 to Truth, and declare the real Situation of 
 your Affairs. I told her we had fo long dif- 
 ufed ourfelves to dreiTing either Dinners or 
 Suppers, that 1 was afraid we (hould be but 
 aukward in our Preparations. In mort, Sir, 
 at that Inftant a curled Gnawing feized my 
 Stomach, that I could not help telling her, 
 that both you and myfelf feldom make a good 
 Meal now-a-days once in a Quarter of a 
 Year. 
 
 Gay. Hell and Confufion, have you betray'd 
 me, Villain ! Did you not tell me this Mo- 
 ment,
 
 THE LYING VALET. 29 
 
 ment, (he did not in the leaft fufpe<l my 
 Ci re utn fiances ? 
 
 Sharp. No more me did, Sir, till I told 
 her. 
 
 Gay. Very well ; and was this your Skill 
 and Dexterity ? 
 
 Sharp. I was going to tell you j but you 
 won't hear Reafon ; my melancholy Face 
 and piteous Narration had fuch an Effect upon 
 her generous Bowels, that (he freely forgives 
 all that's paft. 
 
 Gay. Does me, Sharp ? 
 
 Sharp. Yes ; and defires never to fee your 
 Face again ; and, as a farther Confederation 
 for fo doing, (he has fent you Half- a- Guinea. 
 
 [She^s the Money. 
 
 Gay. What do you mean ? 
 
 Sharp. To fpend it, fpend it, Sir ; and re- 
 gale. 
 
 Gay. Villain, you have undone me ! 
 
 Sharp. What, by bringing you Money, 
 when you are not worth a Farthing in the 
 whole World ? Well, well, then to make 
 you happy again, I'll keep it myfelf ; and wim 
 Somebody would take it in their Head to load 
 me with fuch Misfortunes. 
 
 [Puts up the Money. 
 
 Gay. Do you laugh at me, Rafcal ! 
 
 Sharp. Who deferves more to be laugh'd 
 at ? Ha, ha, ha ! Never for the future, Sir, 
 difpute the Succefs of my Negotiations, 
 
 when
 
 30 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 when even you, who know me fo well, can't 
 help fwallowing my Hook. Why, Sir, I could 
 have play'd with you backwards and forwards 
 at the End of my Line till I had put your 
 Senfes into fuch a Fermentation, that you 
 (hould not have known in an Hour's Time, 
 whether you was a Fifh or a Man. 
 
 Gay. Why, what is all this you have been 
 telling me ? 
 
 Sharp. A down -right Lie from Beginning 
 to End. 
 
 Gay. And have you really excufed me to 
 her? 
 
 Sharp. No, Sir j but I have got this Half 
 Guinea to make her Excufes to you ; and, in- 
 ftead of a Confederacy between you and me 
 to deceive her, fhe thinks me has brought me 
 over to put the Deceit upon you. 
 
 Gay. Thou excellent Fellow! 
 
 Sharp. Don't lofe Time, but flip out of the 
 Houfe immediately; the Back-way, I believe, 
 will be the fafeft for you, and to her as fad as 
 you can ; pretend vaft Surprize and Concern 
 that her Indifpofition has debarr'd you the 
 Pleafure of her Company here to-night : You 
 need know no more ; away ! 
 
 Gay. But what (hall we do, Sharp ? Here's 
 her Maid again. 
 
 Sharp. The Devil fhe is 1 wifli I could 
 
 poiibn her : for I'm fure, while fhe lives I 
 can never profper. 
 
 2 Enter
 
 THE LYING VALET. 31 
 
 Enter Kitty. 
 
 Kitty. Your Door was open, fo I did not 
 ftand upon Ceremony. 
 
 Gay. I am forry to hear your Miftrefs is 
 taken fo fuddenly. 
 
 Kitty. Vapours, Vapours only, Sir, a few 
 matrimonial Omens, that's all; but I fuppofe 
 Mr. Sharp has made her Excufes. 
 
 Gay. And tells me I can't have the Pleafure 
 of her Company To-night. I had made afmall 
 Preparation ; but 'tis no matter : Sharp mall 
 go to the reft of the Company, and let them 
 know 'tis put off. 
 
 Kitty. Not for the World, Sir; my Miftrefs 
 was fcnfible you muft have provided for her, 
 and the reft of the Company ; fo fhe is re- 
 folved, tho' (he can't, the other Ladies and 
 Gentlemen {hall partake of your Entertain- 
 ment ; (he's very good-natur'd. 
 
 Sharp. I had better run, and let 'em know 
 'tis deferr'd. [Going. 
 
 Kitty. [Stopping him.] I have been with 'cm 
 already, and told 'em my Miftrefs infifts upon 
 their coming, and they have all promifed to 
 be here ; fo pray, don't be under any Appre- 
 henfions, that your Preparations will be thrown 
 away. 
 
 Gay. But as I can't have her Company, 
 Mrs. Kitty, 'twill be a greater Pleafure to me, 
 and a greater Compliment to her, to defer our 
 
 Mirth 5
 
 32 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Mirth ; betides, I can't enjoy any thing at 
 prefent, and (he not partake of it. 
 
 Kitty. Oh, no to be fure -, but what can I 
 do ? My Miftrefs will have it fo, and Mrs. 
 Gad-about, and the reft of the Company will 
 be here in a few Minutes j there are two or 
 three Coachfuls of 'em. 
 
 Sharp. Then my Matter muft be ruin'd in 
 fpite of my Parts. 
 
 Gay. [dfide to Sharp.] 'Tis all over, Sharp. 
 
 Sharp. I know it, Sir. 
 
 Gay. I mall go diftrafted ; what mall I do ? 
 
 Sharp. Why, Sir, as our Rooms are a little 
 out of Furniture at prefent, take 'em into the 
 Captain's that lodges here, and fet 'em down 
 to Cards ; if he fhould come in the mean time, 
 I'll excufe you to him. 
 
 Kitty. I have difconcerted their Affairs, I 
 find ; I'll have fome Sport with 'em. Pray 
 Mr. Gaylefs, don't order too many Things, 
 they only make you a friendly Vifit ; the more 
 Ceremony, you know, the lefs Welcome. 
 Pray, Sir, let me in treat you not to be pro- 
 fufe. If I can be of Service, pray command 
 me ; my Miftrefs has fent me on purpofe ; 
 while Mr. Sharp is doing the Bufinefs with- 
 out Doors, I may be employed within ; if 
 you'll lend me the Keys of your Side-board 
 [fo Sharp] I'll difpofe of your Plate to the 
 beft Advantage. 
 
 Sharp.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 33 
 
 Sharp. Thank you, Mrs. Kitty ; but it is 
 difpos'd of already. [Knocking at the Door. 
 
 Kitty. Blefs me, the Company's come ! I'll 
 go to the Door and condudl 'em into your 
 Prefence. [Exit Kitty. 
 
 Sharp. If you'd conduft 'em into a Horfe- 
 pond, and wait of 'em there yourfclf, we 
 mould be more obliged to you. 
 
 Gay. I can never fupport this ! 
 
 Sharp. Roufe your Spirits and put on an 
 Air of Gaiety, and I don't defpair of bring- 
 ing you off yet. 
 
 Gay. Your Words have done it effe&ually. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Gad-about, her Daughter and 
 Niece, Mr. Guttle, Mr. Trippit, and Mrs. 
 Trippit. 
 
 Gad. Ah, my dear Mr. Gaylefs ! [Ktjfes him. 
 
 Gay. My dear Widow ! [K*ff' es h er > 
 
 Gad. We are come to give you joy, Mr. 
 Gaylefs. 
 
 Sharp. You never was more, miftaken in 
 your Life. [Afide. 
 
 Gad. I have brought fome Company here, 
 I believe, is not well known to you, and I 
 proteft I have been all about the Town to get 
 the little I have Prifly, my Dear Mr. Gay- 
 lefs, my Daughter. 
 
 Gay. And as handfome as her Mother; you 
 muft have a hufband (hortly, my Dear. 
 
 E Prift.
 
 34 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Prifs. I'll allure you I don't defpair, Sir. 
 
 Gad. My Niece too. 
 
 Gay. I know by her Eyes flie belongs to 
 ycu, Widow. 
 
 Gad. Mr. Guttle, Sir, Mr. Gaylefs ; Mr. 
 Gaylefs, Juftice Guttle. 
 
 Sharp. Oh Dcfhuftion ! one of the Quo- 
 rum. 
 
 Gut. Hem, Tho' I had not the Honour of 
 any perfonal Knowledge of you, yet at^the 
 Irrigation of Mrs. Gad-about* I have, with- 
 out any previous Acquaintance with you, 
 throw'd afide all Ceremony to let you know 
 that I joy to hear the Solemnization of your 
 Nuptials is fo near at hand. 
 
 Gay. Sir, tho' I cannot anfwer you with 
 the lame Elocution, however, Sir, I thank 
 you with the fame Sincerity. 
 
 Gad. Mr. and Mrs. Trippit, Sir, the 
 propcrcft Lady in the World for your pur- 
 pofe, for (he'll dance for four-and-twenty 
 Hours together. 
 
 'Trip. My dear Charles, I am very angry 
 with you, faith ; fo near Marriage and not 
 let me know, 'twas barbarous ; you. thought, 
 I fuppoff , I fliould rally you upon it ; but 
 . Trippit here has long aeo eradi- 
 cated all my antimatrimonial Principles. 
 
 Mrs. Trip. I eradicate, fye, Mr. Trippit, 
 dcn't be fo obfcene. 
 
 Kiftj: Pny, Ladies, walk into the next 
 
 Room ;
 
 THE LYING VALET. 35 
 
 Room j Mr. Sharp can't lay his Cloth till you 
 are fet down to Cards. 
 
 Gad One thing I had quite forgot ; Mr. 
 Gaylefs, my Nephew who you never faw, 
 will be in Town from France prefently, fo I 
 left Word to fend him here immediately to 
 make one. 
 
 Gay. You do me Honour, Madam. 
 
 Sharp. Do the Ladies chufe Cards or the 
 Supper firfl ? 
 
 Gay. Supper ! what does the Fellow mean ? 
 
 Gut. Oh, the Supper by all Means, for I 
 have eat nothing to fignify fince Dinner. 
 
 Sharp. Nor I, fince laft Monday was a 
 Fortnight. [AJide. 
 
 Gay. Pray, Ladies, walk into the next 
 Room ; Sharp, get Things ready for Supper, 
 and call the Mulick. 
 
 Sharp. Well faid Maftcr. 
 
 Gad. Without Ceremony, Ladies. 
 
 [Exeunt Ladies. 
 
 Kitty. I'll to myMiftrefs, and let her kndw 
 every Thing is ready for her Appearance. 
 
 \Exit Kitty. 
 
 Guttle ana Sharp. 
 
 Gut. Pray Mr. what's your Name, don't be 
 long with Supper: bu tharkee, what can I 
 do in the mean Time ? Buppofe you get me a 
 E a Pipe
 
 36 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Pipe and feme good Wine, I'll try to divert 
 myfelf that way till Supper's ready. 
 
 Sharp. Or luppofe, Sir, you was to take 
 a Nap till then, there's a very eafy Couch in. 
 that Clofet. 
 
 Gut. The beft Thing in the World, I'll 
 take your Advice; but be fure to wake me 
 when Supper is ready. [Exit Guttle. 
 
 Sharp. Pray Heaven you may not wake till 
 
 then What a fine Situation my Mafter is 
 
 in at prefent , I have promifed him my Af- 
 fiftance, but his Affairs are in fo defperate a 
 Way, that I am afraid 'tis out of my Skill 
 to recover 'em. Well, Fools have Fortune, 
 fays an old Proverb, and a very true one it is, 
 for my Mafter and I are two of the molt un- 
 fortunate Mortals in the Creation. 
 
 Enter Gaylefs. 
 
 Gay. Well, Sharp, I have fet 'cm down to 
 C<irds, and now wh.it have you to propofe ? 
 
 Sharp. I have one Scheme left, which in all 
 Probability may lucceed. The good Citizen, 
 overloaded with his lad Meal, is taking a Nap 
 in that Clofet, in order to get him an Appe- 
 tite for yours. Suppofe, Sir, we mould make 
 him treat us. 
 
 Gay. 1 don't underftand you. 
 
 Sharp. I'll pick his Pocket, and provide u$ 
 a Supper with the Booty. 
 
 Gay.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 37 
 
 Gay. Monftrous ! for without confidering 
 the Villainy of it, the Danger of waking 
 him makss it impracticable ! 
 
 Sharp. If he wakes I'll fmother him, and 
 lay his Death to Indigeftion a very com- 
 mon Death among the Juftices. 
 
 Gay Prithee be ferious, we have no Time 
 to loie; can you invent nothing to drive 'em 
 out of the Houfe ? 
 
 Sharp. I can fire it. 
 
 Gay. Shame and Confufion fo perplex me, 
 I cannot give myfelf a Moment's Thought. 
 
 Sharp. I have it; did not Mrs. Gad-about 
 fay her Nephew would be here ? 
 
 Gay. She did. 
 
 Sharp. Say no more, but in to your Com- 
 .pany ; if J don't fend 'em out of the Houfe 
 for the Night, I'll at leaft frighten their Sto- 
 machs away; and if this Stratagem fails, I'll 
 relinquifh Politicks, and think my Under- 
 {landing no better than my Neighbours. 
 
 Gay. How (hall 1 reward thee, Sharp ? 
 
 Sharp. By your Silence and Obedience ; 
 away to your Company, Sir. [Exit Gaylefs. 
 Now, dear Madam Fortune, for once open 
 your Eyes, and behold a poor unfortunate 
 Man of Parts addreffing you ; now is your 
 Time to convince your Foes, you are not 
 that blind whimfical Whore they take you 
 for ; but let 'em fee by your affifting me, 
 that Men of Senfe, as well as Fools, are ibme-
 
 38 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 times intitled to your Favour and Protection. 
 
 So much for Prayer, now for a great 
 
 Noife and a Lye* [goes *afide and cries out. 
 Help, help, Matter ! help, Gentlemen, La- 
 dies ! Murder, Fire, Brimftone ! help, help, 
 help ! 
 
 Enter Mr. Gaylefs and the Ladies, with 
 Cirds In their Hands, and Sharp enters 
 running and meets 'em. 
 
 Gay. What's the Matter ? 
 
 Sharp. Matter, Sir, if you don't run this 
 Minute with that Gentleman, this Lady's 
 Nephew will be murder'd ; I am fure 'twas 
 he, he was fet upon the Corner of the Street, 
 by four; he has kill'd two, and if you don't 
 make hafte, he'll be either murdered or took 
 to Prifon. 
 
 Gad For Heaven's Sake, Gentlemen, run 
 to his AfMance. How I tremble for MelilTa ! 
 this Frolick of her's may be fatal. 
 
 Gay. Draw, Sir, and follow me. 
 
 [Exit Gay. WGad. 
 
 Trip. Not I ; I don't care to run myfelf 
 into needlefs Quarrels; I have fufFered too 
 much formerly by flying into Pafiicns; be- 
 fides, I have pawn'd my Honour to Mrs. Trip- 
 pit, never to draw my Swpfd again ; and in 
 her prefe-nt Condition, to break my Word 
 might have fatal Confequences.
 
 THE LYING VALET, 39 
 
 Sharp. Pray, Sir, don't excufe yourfelf, the 
 young Gentleman may be murdered by this 
 Time. 
 
 Trip. Then my Affiftance will be of no 
 Service to him ; however I'll go to ob- 
 lige you, and look on at a JJiftancc. 
 
 Mrs. 'Trip. I mall certainly faint, Mr. Trip- 
 pit, if you draw. 
 
 Enter Guttle, diforderd as from Sleep. 
 
 Gut. What Noife and Confufion is this ? 
 
 Sharp. Sir, there's a Man murder'd in the 
 Street. 
 
 Gut. Is that all zounds, I was afraid you 
 had ihrow'd the Supper down-r-a Plague of 
 your Ncife I fhan't recover my Stomach 
 this hair Hour. 
 
 Enter G^ylefs and Gadabout, with Melifla in 
 Boys Cloaths, drejfid i?i the French Man- 
 
 ner. 
 
 Gad. Well, but my dear 'Jemmy, you are 
 not hurt, lure ? 
 
 Mel. A little with riding Pcft only. 
 
 Gad. Mr. Sha p alarm'd us all with an Ac- 
 count of your being fet upon by four Men; 
 that you had kilTd two, and was attacking 
 the other when he came away, and when we 
 met you at the Door, we were running to 
 your Refcue. 
 
 Mel. 
 
 2
 
 40 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Mel. I had a fmall Rencounter with half 
 t dozen Villains; but finding me refolute, 
 they were wife enough to take to their Heels; 
 I believe I fcratcht fome of 'em. 
 
 [Laying her Hand to her Sword. 
 
 Sharp. His Vanity has fav'd my Credit. I 
 have a Thought come into my Head may 
 prove to our Advantage, provided Monfieur's 
 Ignorance bears any Proportion to his Impu- 
 dence. [Aftde. 
 
 Gad. Now my Fright's over, let me in- 
 troduce you, my Dear, to Mr. Gaylefs ; Sir, 
 this is my Nephew. 
 
 Gay. \Saluling her.] Sir, I mall be proud 
 of your Friendship. 
 
 Mel. I don't doubt but we mall be better 
 acquainted in a little Time. 
 
 Gut. Pray, Sir, what News in France ? 
 
 Mel. Faith, Sir, very little that I know of 
 in the political Way ; I had no Time to fpend 
 among the Politicians. I was 
 
 Gay. Among the Ladies, I fuppofe. 
 
 Mel. Too much indeed. Faith, I have not 
 Philofophy enough to refift their Solicita- 
 tions ; you take me. [To Gaylefs afids. 
 
 G#y. Yes, to be a moft incorrigible Fop; 
 s'Ucath, this Puppy's Impertinence is an Ad- 
 dition to my Mifery. \_Aft^ e to Sharp. 
 
 Mel. Poor Gaylefs ! to what Shifts is he 
 reduced ? I cannot bear to fee him much 
 longer in this Condition, I (hall difcover my- 
 ft-U. [Afide to Gad-about. 
 
 Gad.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 41 
 
 Gad. Not before the End of the Play; be- 
 fides, the more his Pain now, the greater his 
 Pleafure when relieved from it. 
 
 Trip. Shall we return to ouf Cards ? I have 
 a fans prendre here, and muA infift you play 
 it out. 
 
 Ladies. With all my Heart. 
 
 Mel. Alons done. 
 
 \As the Company gees out, Sharp pulls 
 Meliffa by the Sleeve. 
 
 Sharp. Sir, Sir, mill I beg Leave to fpeak 
 with you ? Pray did you find a Bank-Note in 
 your Way hither ? 
 
 Mel. What, between here and Dover do 
 you mean ? 
 
 Sharp. No, Sir, within twenty or thirty 
 Yards of this Houfe. 
 
 Mel. You are drunk, Fellow. 
 
 Sharp. I am undone, Sir, but not drunk, 
 I'll affure you. 
 
 Mel. What is all this ? 
 
 Sharp. I'll tell you, Sir : A little while ago 
 my Mailer fent me out to change a Note of 
 Twenty Pounds 3 but I unfortunately hearing 
 a Noife in the Street of, Damn-me, Sir, and 
 clashing of Swords, and Rafcal, and Murder ; 
 I runs up to the Place, and faw four Men up- 
 on one; and having heard you was a mettle- 
 fome young Gentleman, I immediately con- 
 cluded it muft be you ; fo ran back to call 
 my Matter, and when I went to look for the 
 F Note
 
 42 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Note to change it, I found it gone, either 
 flole or loft j and if I don't get the Money 
 immediately, I (hall certainly be turned out 
 of mv Place, afcd lofe my Character* 
 
 \* 
 
 MeL I mall l*ugh in his Face. [AJtde. 
 
 Oh, I'll fpeak to your Mafter about it, and 
 he will forgive you at my Interceflion. 
 
 Sharp. Ah, Sir ! you don't know my Maf- 
 ter. 
 
 Mel. I'm very little acquainted with him ; 
 but I have heard he's a very good-natured 
 Man. 
 
 Sharp. I'have heard fo too, but I have felt 
 it otherwife ; he has fo much Good-nature, 
 that, if I could compound for one Broken- 
 head a Day, I fhould think myielf very well 
 off. 
 
 Mel. Are you ferious, Friend ? 
 
 Sharp. Look'e, Sir, 1 take you for a Man 
 of Honour ; there is fomething in your Face 
 that is generous, open, and mafculine j you 
 don't look like a foppifh, effeminate Tell- 
 tale ; fo I'll venture to truft you See here, 
 Sir, [foeivs his Head] thefe are the Effects of 
 my Matter's Good-nature. 
 
 Mel. Matchlefs Impudence ! [d/ide.] Why 
 do you live with him then after fuch Ufage? 
 
 Sharp. He's worth a great deal of Money, 
 and when he's drunk, which is commonly 
 once a Day, he's very free, and will give me 
 any thing; but I defign to leave him when 
 he's married, for all that. 
 
 Me/.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 43 
 
 Mel. Is he going to be married then ? 
 
 Sharp. To-morrow, Sfr, and between you 
 and I, he'll meet with his Match, both for 
 Humour and fomething elfe too ? 
 
 Mel. What (he drinks too ? 
 
 Sharp. Damnably, Sir; but mum You 
 muft know this Entertainment was defign'd 
 for Madam to-night ; but fhe got fo very gay 
 after Dinner, that fhe could not walk out of 
 her own Houfe; fo her Maid, who was half 
 gone too, came here with an Excufe, that 
 Mrs. MeliiTa had got the Vapours; and fo 
 {he had indeed violently ; here, here, Sir. 
 
 [Pointing to his Head. 
 
 Mel. This is fcarcely to be borne. \Ajide. "\ 
 Melifla. ! I have heard of her ; they fay ihe's 
 very whimfical. 
 
 Sharp. A very Woman, and pleafe your 
 Honour; and, between you and I, none of 
 the mildeft and wifeft of her Sex But to re- 
 turn, Sir, to the Twenty Pounds. 
 
 Mel, I am furprized, you, who have got fo 
 much Money in his Service, fhould be at a 
 Lofs for Twenty Pounds, to fave your Bones 
 at this Juncture. 
 
 Sharp. I have put all my Money out at In- 
 tereft; I never keep above five Pounds by me; 
 and if your Honour would lend me the other 
 fifteen and take my Note for it. [Knocking. 
 
 Mel. Somebody's at the Door. 
 
 Sharp. I can give very good Security. 
 
 [Knocking. 
 F 2 Mel.
 
 44: THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Mel. Don't let the People wait, Mr. 
 
 Sharp. Ten Pounds will do. [Knocking. 
 
 Mel. Allez vous en. 
 
 Sharp. Five, Sir. [Knocking. 
 
 Mel. Je ne puis pas. 
 
 Sharp, ye ne puis pas. I find we (han't 
 underftand one another, I do but lofe Time ; 
 and, if I had any Thought, I might have 
 known thefe young Fops return from their 
 Travels generally with as little Money as 
 Improvement. [Exit Sharp. 
 
 Mel. Ha, ha, ha, what Lies does this Fel- 
 low invent, and what Rogueries does he com- 
 mit for his Matter's Service ? There never 
 lure was a more faithful Servant to his Maf- 
 ter, or a greater Rogue to the reft of Man- 
 kind. But here he comes again, the Plot 
 thickens, I'll in and obferve Gaylefs. 
 
 [Exit Melifla. 
 
 Enter Sharp before fever al Perfons with Difies 
 in their Hands, and a Cook drunk. 
 
 Sharp. Fortune, I thank thee, the moft 
 lucky Accident! [^de.] This Way, Gentle- 
 men, this Way. 
 
 Cook. I am afraid I have miftook the Houfe. 
 Is this Mr. Treafwi'/t's ? 
 
 Sharp. The feme, the fame: What, don't 
 you know me ? 
 
 Cook. Know you ! Are you fure there was 
 a Supper befpoke here ? 
 
 Sharp.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 45 
 
 Sharp. Yes : Upon my Honour, Mr. Cook, 
 the Company is in the next Room, and muft 
 have gone without, had not you brought it. 
 I'll draw a Table. I fee you have brought a 
 Cloth with you j but you need not have done 
 that, for we have a very good Stock of Lin- 
 
 nen at the Pawnbroker's. [d/ide. 
 
 [Exit, and returns immediately , drawing 
 
 in a 'Table. 
 
 Come, come, my Boys, be quick, the Com- 
 pany began to be very uneafy ; but I knew my 
 old Friend Lick-fpit here would not fail us. 
 
 Cook. Lick-fpit! I am no Friend of yours; 
 fo I defire lefs Familiarity ; Lick-fpit too! 
 
 Enter Gaylefs, andjlares. 
 
 Gay. What is all this ? 
 
 Sharp. Sir, if the Sight of the Supper is 
 offenfive, I can eafily have it removed. 
 
 \_Afide to Gaylefs. 
 
 Gay. Prithee explain thyfeif. Sharp. 
 
 Sharp. Some of our Neighbours, I fuppofe, 
 have befpoke this Supper; but the Cook has 
 drank away his Memory, forgot the Houfe, 
 and brought it here; however, Sir, if you 
 diflike it> I'll tell him of his Miftake, and 
 fend him about his Bufinefs. 
 
 Gay. Hold, hold, NecefTity obliges me 
 againft my Inclination to favour the Cheat, 
 and feaft at my Neighbour's Expence. 
 
 Cook.
 
 46 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Cook. Hark you, Friend, is that your Maf- 
 ter? 
 
 Sharp. Ay, and the bed Mafter in the 
 World. 
 
 Cook. I'll fpeak to him then Sir, I have 
 according to your Commands, drefs'd as gen- 
 teel a Supper as my Art and your Price would 
 admit of. 
 
 Sharp. Good again, Sir, 'tis paid for. 
 
 [AJide to Gaylefs. 
 
 . Gay. I don't in the leaft queftion your 
 Abilities, Mr. Cook, and I am oblig'd to you 
 for your Care. 
 
 Cook. Sir, you are a Gentleman, and if 
 you would look but over the Bill and approve 
 it [pulls out a Bi/t] you will over and above 
 return the Obligation. 
 
 Sharp. Oh the Devil ! 
 
 Gay. [ looking on a Bi//.] Very well, I'll 
 fend my Man to pay you To-morrow. 
 
 Cook. I'll fpare him that Trouble, and take 
 it with me, Sir I never work but for ready 
 Money. 
 
 Gay. Hah ? 
 
 Sharp. Then you won't have our Cuftom. 
 
 My 'Mafter is bufy now, Friend -, do you 
 think he won't pay you? 
 
 Cook. No Matter what I think; either my 
 Meat or my Money. 
 
 Sharp. 'Twill be very ill-convenient for 
 him to pay you To-night. 
 
 Cook.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 47 
 
 Cook. Then I'm afraid it will be ill-conve- 
 nient to pay me To-morrow, fo d'ye hear 
 
 Enter Melifla. 
 
 Gay. Prithee be advis'd, s'death, I (hall be 
 difcpver'd. [Takts the Cook afide. 
 
 Mel. [to Sharp.] What's the Matter? 
 
 Sharp. The Cook has not quite anfwer'd 
 my Matter's Expectations about the Supper, 
 Sir, and he's a little angry at him, that's 
 all. 
 
 MeL Come, come, Mr. Gaylefs, don't be 
 uneafy, a Batchelor cannot be fuppofed to 
 have Things in the utmoft Regularity ; we 
 don't expect it. 
 
 Cook. But I do expect it, and will have it. 
 
 Mel. What does that drunken Fool fay ? 
 
 Cook. That I will have my Money, and I 
 won't ftay till to-morrow and, and 
 
 Sharp, [run s and Jl ops Mouth.] Hold, hold, 
 what are you doing ? Are you mad ? 
 
 MeL What do you flop the Man's Breath 
 for? 
 
 Sharp. Sir, he was going to call you Names. 
 Don't be abuiive, Cook, the Gentleman is 
 a Man of Honour, and faid nothing to you 5 
 pray be pacify'd, you are in Liquor. 
 
 Cook. I will have my 
 
 Sharp, [holding JiilL] Why, I tell you, Fool, 
 you miftake the Gentleman ; he is a Friend of 
 
 my
 
 48 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 my Matter's, and has not faid a Word to you. 
 Pray, good Sir, go into the next Room ; 
 the Fellow's drunk, and takes you for an- 
 other. You'll repent this when you arefober, 
 Friend Pray, Sir, don't flay to hear his In- 
 pertinence. 
 
 Gay. Pray, Sir, walk in He's below your 
 Anger. 
 
 Mel. Damn the Rafcal ! what does he 
 mean by affronting me! Let the Scoun- 
 drel go, I'll polifh his Brutality, I warrant 
 you : Here's the beft Reformer of Manners 
 in the Univerfe. [Draws his Sivord] Let him 
 go, I fay. 
 
 Sharp. So, fo, you have done finely, now, 
 -Get away as faft as you can ; he's the moft 
 courageous mettlefome Man in all England 
 Why, if his Paflion was up he could eat 
 you. Make you Efcape, you Fool ! 
 
 Cook. I won't Eat me! He'll find me 
 
 damn'd hard of Digeftion tho' 
 
 Sharp. Prithee come here ; let me fpeak 
 with you. \hey walk afide. 
 
 Enter Kitty. 
 
 Kitty. Gad's me, is Supper on the Table 
 already ! Sir, Pray defer it for a few Mo- 
 ments ; my Miftrefs is much better, and will 
 be here immediately. 
 
 Gay.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 49 
 
 Gay. Will (he, indeed ! Blefs me I did 
 not expedt but howeverSharp ? 
 
 Kitty. What Succefs, Madam ? 
 
 [Afide to MelifTa. 
 
 MeL As we could wifh, Girl but he is 
 
 in fuch Pain and Perplexity I can't hold it out 
 much longer. 
 
 Kitty. Ay, that holding out is the Ruin 
 of half our Sex. 
 
 Sharp, I have pacify 'd the Cook, and ifyou 
 can but borrow twenty Pieces of that young 
 Prig, all may go well yet; you may fucceed, 
 though I could not : Remember what I told 
 you about it ftralght, Sir, 
 
 Gay. Sir, Sir, [to MelifTa] I beg to fpeak 
 a Word with you; my Servant, Sir, tells me 
 he has had the Misfortune, Sir, to lofe a Note 
 of mine of Twenty Pounds, which I fent him 
 to receive and the Banker's mops being (hut 
 up and having very little Cam by me, I mould 
 be much obliged to you if you would favour 
 me with twenty Pieces till To-morrow. 
 
 Mel. Oh, Sir, with all my Heart, [Taking 
 out her Purfe] and as I have a fmall Favour 
 to beg of you, Sir, the Obligation will be 
 mutual. 
 
 Gay. How may I oblige you, Sir ? 
 
 Mel. You are to be marry 'd, I hear, to 
 Melifla. 
 
 Gay. To-morrow, Sir. 
 
 Mel. Then you'll oblige me, Sir, by never 
 feeing her again. 
 
 G Gay.
 
 5 o THE LYING VAL.ET; 
 
 Gay. Do you call this a fmall Favour, Sir? 
 
 Mel. A mere Trifle, Sir breaking of Con- 
 traits, fuing for Divorces, committing Adul- 
 tery, and fuch-like, are all reckon'd Trifles 
 now-a-days ; and fmart young Fellows, like 
 you and myfelf, Gaylefs, fhould be never out 
 of Famion. 
 
 Gay. But pray, Sir, how are you concern- 
 ed in this Affair ! 
 
 Mel. Oh Sir, you muft know I have a very 
 great Regard for MelifTa, and, indeed, (he for 
 me ; and by the by, I have a mofl defpicable 
 Opinion of you ; for, entre nous> I take you, 
 Charles, to be a very great Scoundrel. 
 
 Gay. Sir ! 
 
 Mel. Nay, don't look fierce, Sir! and give 
 yourfclf Airs Damme, Sir, I (hall fr.be thro' 
 your Body elfe in the fnapping of a Finger. 
 
 Gay. I'll be as quick as you, Villain ! 
 
 [Draws and makes at MelifTa. 
 
 Kitty. Hold, hold, Murder ! you'll kill my 
 Miftreis the young Gentleman I mean. 
 
 Gay. Ah ! her Miftrefs ! [Drops his Sword. 
 
 Sharp. How ! Meliffa ! nay, then drive 
 away Cart All's over now. 
 
 Enter all the Company laughing. 
 
 Gad. What, Mr. Gaylefs, engaging with 
 Melifla before your Time. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Kitty. Your humble Servant, good Mr. 
 Politician [to Sharp.] This is, Gentlemen and 
 Ladies, the mofl celebrated and ingenious Ti- 
 mothy
 
 THE LYING VALET. 51 
 
 mothy Sharp, Schemer-general and redoubted 
 ^Squire to the mod renowned and fortunate 
 Adventurer Charles Gaylefs, Knight of the 
 
 Woeful Countenance : Ha, ha, ha! Oh 
 
 that difmal Face, and more ;difmal Head of 
 yours. [Strikes Sharp upon the Head. 
 
 Sharp. 'Tis cruel in you to difturb a Man 
 in his laft Agonies. 
 
 Mel. Now, Mr. Gaylefs! what, not a 
 Word ! you are fenfible I can be no Stranger 
 to your Misfortunes, and I might reafonably 
 expedl an Excufe foryour ill Treatment of me. 
 
 Gay. No, Madam, Silence is my only Re- 
 fuge ; for to endeavour to vindicate my Crimes 
 would fhdw a greater Want of Virtue than 
 even the Commiffion of them. 
 
 Mel: 'Oh, Gaylefs ! 'twas poor to impofe 
 upon $ Woman, and one that lov'd you too. 
 
 Gay. Oh moft unpardonable j but my Ne- 
 ceflities 
 
 Sharp. And mine, Madam, were not to be 
 match'd I'm fure o'this fide flarving. 
 
 Mel. His Tears have foftened m at once - 
 Your Neceffities, Mr. Gaylefs, with fuch real 
 Contrition, are too powerful Motives not to 
 affect the Breaft already prejudic'd in yourFa- 
 vour You have fuffer'd too much already for 
 your Extravagance ; and as I take part in your 
 Sufferings, 'tis eafing myfelf to relieve you : 
 Know therefore, all that's pall I freely forgive. 
 
 Gay. You cannot mean it fure-? I am lofl 
 in Wonder \ 
 
 G 2 Me/,
 
 52 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 Mel. Prepare yourfelf for more Wonder 
 You have another Friend in Mafquerade here : 
 Mr. Cook, pray throw afide your Drunken- 
 nefs, and make yourfober Appearance Don't 
 you know that Face, Sir ? 
 
 Cook. Ay, Mafter, what have you forgot 
 your Friend Dick, as you us'd to call me ? 
 
 Gay. More Wonder indeed ! don't you live 
 with my Father ? 
 
 Mel. Juft after your hopeful Servant there 
 had left me, comes this Man from Sir Wil- 
 liam with a Letter to me j upon which (be- 
 ing by that wholly convinced of your neceffi- 
 tous Condition) I invented, by the Help of 
 Kitty and Mrs. Gadabout, this little Plot, in 
 which your Friend Dick there has acted Mi- 
 racles, refolving to teaze you a little, that you 
 might have a greater Relifli for a happy Turn 
 in your Affairs. Now, Sir, read that Letter, 
 and compleat your Joy. 
 
 Gay. [Reads.] " Madam, I am Father to 
 " the unfortunate young Man, who, I hear 
 " by a Friend of mine (that by my Defire 
 " has been a continual Spy upon him) is 
 " making his Addrefles to you ; if he is fo 
 " happy as to make himfelf agreeable to you 
 " ( whofe Character I am charm'd with) I mail 
 " own him with Joy for my Son, and forget 
 " his former Follies. 
 
 " I am, Madam, 
 " Your moft humble Servant, 
 
 " WILLIAM GAYLESS." 
 P. S.
 
 THE LYING VALET. 53 
 
 " P.S. I will be fooninTownmyfelftocon- 
 " gratulate his Reformation and Marriage." 
 
 Oh, Meliffa, this is too much 3 thus let me 
 {hew my Thanks and Gratitude, [Kneeling, 
 Jhe raifes him] for here 'tis only due. 
 
 Sharp. A Reprieve! a Reprieve! a Reprieve! 
 
 Kitty. I have been, Sir, a moft bitter Ene- 
 my to you ; but fince you are likely to be a 
 little more converfant with Cam than you 
 have been, I am now, with the greateft Sin- 
 cerity, your moft obedient Friend and hum- 
 ble Servant. And I hope, Sir, all former 
 Enmity will be forgotten. 
 
 Gay. Oh, Mrs. Pry, I have been too much 
 indulged with Forgivenefs myfelf not to for- 
 give lefTer Offences in other People. 
 
 Sharp. Well then, Madam, fince my Maf- 
 ter has vouchfaf 'd Pardon to your Handmaid 
 Kitty, I hope you'll not deny it to his Foot- 
 man Timothy. 
 
 Mel. Pardon ! for what ? 
 
 Sharp. Only for telling you about ten thou- 
 fand Lies, Madam, and, among the reft, in- 
 finuating that your Ladyfhip would 
 
 Mel. I underftand you; and can forgive any 
 thing, Sharp, that was defign'd for the Service 
 of your Mailer; and if Pry and you will fol- 
 low our Example, I'll give her a fmall For- 
 tune as a Reward for both your Fidelities. 
 
 Sharp. I fancy, Madam, 'twould be better 
 
 to halve the fmall Fortune between us, and 
 
 8 kep
 
 54 THE LYING VALET. 
 
 keep us both fingle ; for as we (hall live in 
 the fame Houfe, in all Probability we may 
 tafte the Comforts of Matrimony, and not 
 be troubled with its Inconveniences. What 
 fay you, Kitty ? 
 
 Kitty. Do you hear, Sharp, before you talk 
 of the Comforts of Matrimony, tafte the Com- 
 forts of a good Dinner, and recover yourFlefh 
 a little ; do, Puppy. 
 
 Sharp. The Devil backs her, that's certain; 
 and I am no match for her at any Weapon. 
 
 Mel. And now, Mr. Gaylefs, to {hew I 
 have not provided for you by Halves, let the 
 Mufick prepare themtelves, and, with the 
 Approbation of the Company, we'll have a 
 Dance. 
 
 AIL By all means a Dance. 
 
 Gut. By all means a Dance after Supper 
 tho' - 
 
 Sharp. Oh, pray, Sir, have Supper firft, or, 
 I'm fure, I {han't live till the Dance is finim'd. 
 
 Gay. Behold, MelifTa, as fincere a Convert 
 as ever Truth and Beauty made. The wild 
 impetuous Sallies of my Youth are now blown 
 over, and a moft pleafing Calm of perfect 
 Happinefs fucceeds. 
 
 JEtna'j Flames the verdant Earth ccnfume, 
 But milder Heat makes drooping Nature Bloom : 
 So virtuous Love affords us fyringing Joy^ 
 iVhilft vicious Pafions, as they burn, dejiroy. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 A 
 
 Dramatic Entertainment. 
 
 As it is performed at the 
 
 THEATRE-ROYAL 
 
 I N 
 
 D R U R Y-L A N E. 
 
 Eademcupient,facientque'M.i'Kov.'.s. JUVEN. Sat. i r 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for PAUL VAILLANT, facing Southampton- 
 Street^ in the Strand. 
 MDCCLVII. 
 
 [Price One Shilling.]
 
 
 STRAND, Dec. u, 1756. 
 
 To the READER. 
 
 ^/ H E following Letter came to my Hands 
 on Friday. I hope the Author will ex- 
 cufe my printing if, as if 'will be impoffible 
 for me to read it to every Perfon who has 
 made, or foall make^ Objections to bis Per- 
 formance. 
 
 I am, the READER'S 
 Mod Obedient Servant, 
 
 PAUL VAILLANT. 
 
 R , Dec. 8, 1756. 
 
 To Mr. VAILLANT. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 I Thank you for your Letter and the Criticifms, 
 which, by fome Miftake, I did not receive till 
 this Morning. I am furprized that you Ihould feerrj 
 imeafy at the Objections which are made to Lilliput ; 
 for, be afiured, if it is worth carping at, it will be 
 worth buying ; and then it will, at lead, anfwer 
 
 YOUR End However, fince the Cricicks, as 
 
 you
 
 you call 'em, will nibble at my Dramatic Morfel, I 
 fhall, like my Brother Bayes, throw a Cruft among 
 'em, that will rub their Gums a little, I'll warrant 
 
 ve , They are angry, you fay, that I make 
 
 FRJPPER.EL talk of firing aBroadfide j when it may 
 be feen in GULLIVER'J Travels, that the People of 
 Lilliput, had not the Ufe of Gunpowder. In anfwer 
 to which, I mall quote a Paflage from a Lilliputian 
 Manufcript, which was brought over by GULLIVER, 
 and fhewn to me by the Gentleman to whom he 
 
 left all his Curiolities The PafTage is this 
 
 Udel mis Alefh pcnden tipadel quif menef duren 
 
 This, I think, will fatisfy you, Mr. Vaillant^ and 
 flop the Mouth of the moft voracious Critic of 
 
 them all They likewife complain, with fome 
 
 Warmth, that in the magnificent Entry of Gulliver 
 into the Capital, there is but one Lady of Quality, 
 (Lady Flimnap) and her Retinue, in the Proccfiion. 
 This Objection, I muft confefs, has Weight with 
 it, and is a great Overfight -, not of the Author, 
 but of the Manager -, for in a Letter to him, a 
 Copy of which I can produce, I gave him my full 
 and free Permiffion to make as many Ladies of 
 Quality for the Purpofe, as he mould think proper. 
 Many, you tell me, think the Performance too 
 fatyrical upon the Ladies of Lilhput, I hope 
 they mean for I defy any of the Objectors to 
 produce me a Woman of Fafhion of their Ac- 
 quaintance, who has any Follies in common with 
 thofe in the following Piece ; the Ingredients that 
 compofe the Ladies of the two Nations are as dif- 
 ferent (I fpeak it with great Deference to Mr. Walter 
 Baker) as thofe which are to be found in the 
 Powders of Dr. James ', and thofe of the late Baron 
 Schwanberg But their capital Objection is, that I 
 have deviated from Gulliver's true Hirtory, in order to 
 defame a Woman of the firft Quality, whofe Inno- 
 cence
 
 (v) 
 
 cence has been fo juftly celebrated by Capt. Lemuel 
 himfelf. 
 
 Mr. Jacob Wilkinfon^ an old Gentleman, who was 
 formerly a Haberdafher at Redrijf, and an Intimate 
 of Gulliver's, has frequently related to me many 
 
 Anecdotes of his Friend and particularly laft 
 
 Summer, at our Sunday Evening Club, when we hud 
 fat pretty late, and all the Company had left us but 
 
 Mr. R , the Attorney , the Rev. Mr. P , 
 
 Mr. Juftice D , and myfelf, he tola us the fol- 
 lowing curious Circumitance. 
 
 My good Friend the Captain (faid he, with fome 
 Emotion) protefted to me, upon his Death-Bed, 
 that tho' he was a great Traveller, and a Writer 
 of Travels, he never published but one Fal/hood, 
 and that was about the Lady Flimnap. He acknow- 
 ledged, that not with (landing his Endeavours to 
 juftify her Innocence in his Book, fhe had really 
 conferred a Paffion for him, and had propofed to 
 dope with him, and fly to England ; and as he 
 thought the Knowledge of this Facl, which lay 
 heavy upon his Confcience, could not, after fo long 
 a Time, fully the Honour of the Flimnap- 
 he begg'd of me to publifh it to the World 
 I have obey'd my Friend's Command fn Part 
 I have told it in Converfation to a Multitude of 
 People ; but I think it alfo incumbent upon me to 
 print it Pray give me your Opinion, Gentlemen, 
 in what Manner mail I ufher it into the World ? 
 
 The Clergyman faid, it was pity the Captain had 
 not left a Sum of Money for a Funeral Sermon, as 
 the Story might very aptly have been introduced in 
 it among the reft of his Virtues, and given the Ser- 
 mon a great Sale. 
 
 The Juftice imagined, that it might more pro- 
 perly be introduced in a Charge to the Grand Jury, ^ 
 as it was a ftiong r n fiance of the Force of Truth, 
 
 in 

 
 in contra- distinction to the prefent loofc Morals of 
 the Age. 
 
 My Friend the Attorney advifed the printing a 
 Narrative, and immediately profecuting the Pub- 
 Jiflier That they then might proceed to Trial, 
 which being a rich one, would make a great Noife, 
 and the printing of it would quickly difperfe the 
 
 Story throughout the three Kingdoms. When 
 
 my Opinion was asked, I complimented my three 
 Neighbours upon their great Sagacity, and begg'd 
 Leave to give them a Maxim of Horace ; 
 
 Segnius irritant animos demiffa per Aurem^ 
 Quam qua funt oculis fubjetta fidelibus^ 
 
 And therefore I propofed throwing the Story into a 
 little Drama ; which might, if properly fpirited, 
 
 have fome Succefs from its Novelty. And, upon 
 
 intimating that the Play-houfes are generally as 
 much crouded as the Courts of Juftice, the Quarter 
 Seflions, or indeed the Churches they approved of 
 my Plan, laughed heartily at the Conceit, and Mr. 
 Wilkinfon intreated me to undertake it. 
 
 Thus, Sir, have I given you the Hiftory of my 
 Performance : What the Merit of it is, will be bell 
 known to the Spectators. However, if it is the 
 Means of helping ib many poor Children (as you 
 tell me are employ'd in the Piece) to fome Mince- 
 Pies this Cbriftmasjhc? your printed Copies of it mould 
 be found at the Bottom of 'em, I mall not think 
 that I have Ipent fome kifure Hours unprofitably. 
 
 / am, SIR, 
 
 lour fmcere Friend and Servant. 
 
 w. c. 
 
 PR O-
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 By Mr. G A R R I C K. 
 
 SPOKEN by Mr. W O O D W A R D. 
 
 73 E HO L D a Conjurer that' s fomething new, 
 
 *-' For as Times go my Brethren are but few. 
 
 Tm come with magic Ring, and taper lP~and, 
 To waft you far from this your Native Land. 
 
 Ladies, don't fear my Coach is large and eafy, 
 
 I know your tfumsurs, and will drive to pleafe ye -, 
 
 Gently you'll ride, as in a Fairy Dream* 
 
 Tour Hoops unfqueez'd, and not a Beau Jhallfcream. 
 
 JVhat ftill dif ordered ! well, I know your Fright 
 
 You Jhall be Lack in Time for Cards to Night ; 
 Swift as Queen Mab within her Hazle Nut, 
 ril fet you fafely down at Lilliput. 
 
 Away we go Ge'up Ladles keep your Places, 
 
 And Gentlemen for Shame dont fcrew your Faces. 
 
 Softly my Imps and Fiends you Criticks there -\ 
 
 Pray you Jit flill or I can never fleer, C 
 
 My Dev'h, are not the Devls you need to fear. J 
 
 Hold f aft my Friends above for faith we fpin it j 
 
 flfy ufual Rate's a Thcufand Miles a Minute. 
 
 A Statefman, now, could tell how high we fear 
 
 Statefmen have been thcfe Airy 'Jaunts before. 
 
 I fee the Land the Folks what Limbs ! what Features / 
 
 There's Lords and Ladies too the pretty Creatures ! 
 
 Now to your Sight thefe Puppets Til produce, 
 JVhich-may, if rightly heeded, turn to Ufe ; 
 Puppets not made of Wood, and play'd with Wires^ 
 But Flejh and Blood, and full of flrange Deferes. 
 
 So flrange you'll fear ce believe me fliould I tell 
 
 For Giant Vices may in Pigmies dwell. 
 Beware you lay not to the Conjurer's Charge, 
 That tbefe in Miniature, are you in Large : 
 To You thefe little Folks have no Relation, 
 As diff'rcnt in their Manners, as their Nation, 
 To fonu your Pranks requires no Conjuration. 
 
 Open your Eyes and Ears your Mouths be flmt, 
 
 England isvanijh'd (waves his Wand) Enter Lilliput. 
 
 (Strikes the Curtain and finks.) 
 
 Dramatis
 
 Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 Lord FLIMNAP 
 BOLGOLAM - 
 FRIPPEREL 
 
 LALCON - 
 GULLIVER - 
 A Number of Lillipu 
 
 Afrf/frrCAUTHERLY. 
 
 Mafter SIMPSON. 
 Mafter LARGEAU. 
 Mifs POPE. 
 Mr. BRANSBY. 
 i Meffi-s. POPE, HURST, 
 tian Citizens, &c. i MARTIN, &c. 
 
 Lady FLIMNAP 
 TOADEL 
 
 Mifs SIMPSON. 
 Mifs MATHEWS
 
 ^ 
 *x 
 
 ^5^ c^V^ 5^5? X?^ c$^V"%^3? 
 
 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 SCENE L 
 
 Lord FLlMNAP'j Apartment. 
 
 Enter F L I M N A P. 
 
 HIS Marriage is the Devil I 
 
 
 i Pleafure ; and in Exchange have 
 
 & g ot a Wife > a ver y Wife ! 
 
 Ambition began my Mifery, and 
 Matrimony has compleated it - But have not 
 other Men of Quality Wives, riay fafhionable 
 Wives, and yet are happy ? Then why ani 
 not I ? - Becaufe I am a Fool, a fingular 
 B Fool,
 
 2 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 Fool, who am troubled with vulgar Feelings, 
 and awkward Dclicacirs though I was born a 
 Nobleman, know the World, and keep the 
 belt Company. 
 
 Enter BOLGOLAM. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 What, in the Dumps, Brother FHmnap ? 
 
 F L i M N A P. 
 Aye, Brother, deeply fo. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 Why, what's the Matter ? 
 
 FL i M N A p. 
 I am married. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 And to my Sifter If (he wrongs you, 
 
 I'll do you Juftice j and if you wrong her, 
 I mall cut your Throat that's all. 
 
 FL i M N A p. 
 
 My dear Admiral, I know your Friendship, 
 and your Honour, and can truft both ; I have 
 fent for you and your Brother Fripperel^ as 
 my Wife's neareft Relations, to open my Heart 
 to you, and to beg your Advice and Afliil- 
 ance. 
 
 BOL-
 
 L I L L I t> U T. 3 
 
 BoLOOLAM. 
 
 He advife you ! what can he advife you 
 about ! He was bred to nothing but to pick 
 his Teeth, and dangle after a Court : So, un- 
 lefs you have a Coat to lace, a Feather to 
 choofe, or a Monkey to buy, Fripperel can't 
 affifr. you. 
 
 F L i M N A ?. 
 
 But he is the Brother of my Wife, Admiral. 
 
 B O L G O L A M. 
 
 So much the worfe for hj?r and you too, 
 perhaps If me has liftened to him, I fhan't 
 be furprized that you have a bad Time of it : 
 Such Fellows as he, who call themfelves fine 
 Gentlemen, forfooth, corrupt the Morals of a 
 whole Nation. 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 Indeed, Admiral, you are too fevere. 
 
 B o L G o L A M. 
 
 Indeed, my Lord FfimtiAf, I fpeak the 
 
 Truth Time was when we had as little 
 
 Vice here in Lilliput as any where ; but iince 
 we imported Politenefs and Fafhions from 
 Blefufcu, we have thought of nothing but v be- 
 ing fine Gentlemen j and a fine Gentleman, in 
 my Dictionary, ftands for nothing but Imper- 
 tinence and Affectation, without any one Vir- 
 tue, Sincerity, or real Civility. 
 
 B 2 FL i M-
 
 4 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 But, dear Brother, contain yourfelf. 
 
 B o L G o L A M. 
 
 'Zounds ! I can't We (hall be undone by 
 our Politcnefs -^ Thofe curfed Blefufcu4ian$ 
 have been poliming us to deftroy us. While 
 we kept our own rough Manners, we were 
 more than a Match for 'em ; but fince they 
 have made us fine Gentlemen we don't fight 
 the better for't, I can aflure you. 
 
 Enter FRIPPEREL, 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 What, is my dear Brother and magnanimous 
 Admiral firing a Broad-fide againft thofe 
 Wretches who wear clean Shirts, and wail} 
 their Faces ? eh J 
 
 3 O L G O L A M. 
 
 I wou'd always fire upon thofe, good Bro- 
 ther, who dare not flew their Faces, when 
 their King and Country want 'em, 
 
 F L i M N A p. 
 
 My dear Brothers, let us not wander from 
 the Subject of our Meeting ^- I have fent to 
 you for your Advice and AfTiftance in an Af- 
 fair that nearly concerns me as a Man, a No- 
 bleman, and the Father of a Family. 
 
 F R I P-
 
 L I L L I P U T. 5 
 
 / 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 What can poffibly, my dear Lord, difturb 
 yoar Tranquillity, while you have Fortune to 
 purchafe Pleafures, and Health to enjoy 'em ? 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 Well faid, Fripperel There fpoke the Ge- 
 nius of a fine Gentleman Give him but 
 Dainties to tickle his Palate, Women to. flatter 
 his Vanity, and Money to keep the Dice a- 
 going, and you may purchafe his Soul, and 
 have his Honour and Virtue thrown in to the 
 Bargain. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 Well faid, Admiral ; I would as foon under- 
 take to fleer thy Ship, as teach thee Manners. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 And I wou'd fooner fink my Ship, than 
 fuffer fuch Fellows as thee to come on board 
 of her. 
 
 F L i M N A p. 
 
 I find, Gentlemen, you had rather indulge 
 your own Spleen, than affift your Friend. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 I have done. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 Come, come, let us hear your Grievances. 
 
 FL i M N A P. 
 Your Sifter has difhonour'd me. 
 
 BOL.
 
 6 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 I'll cut her to Pieces. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 She is a fine Woman, and a Woman of 
 Quality, and therefore ought not to be cut to 
 Pieces for Trifles. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 Thou art a fine Gentleman, and ought to 
 be hang'd : But what has (lie done ? 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 Hurt me, injur'd me, beyond Reparation. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 The Devil ! What 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 I am afhamed to tell you. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 Out with it. 
 
 F L i M N A P. 
 Fall'n in Love with a Monfter. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 A Monfter ! Land or Sea Moniler ? 
 
 F L i M N A P. 
 
 The new Prodigy this Qninlus Fleftrin-*- 
 the Man Mountain Gulliver the Eng/ijb 
 Giant. 
 
 FRIP-
 
 L I L L I P U T. 7 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 Ha ! ha ! what, and are you afraid, Brother, 
 he mould fwallow her ? For you cannot poffi- 
 bly be afraid of any thing elfe. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 I don't know what to think of this In. 
 Love with a Monfter ! My Sifter has a great 
 
 Soul, to be fure But all the Women in 
 
 Lilliput are in Love with him, I think 
 
 The Devil is in 'em And now they 
 
 have feen the Englijh Giant, they'll turn up 
 their Nofes at fuch a lufty Fellow as I am 
 But how do you know this ? Have you inter- 
 cepted her Love Letters ? 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 Or have you ever caught her in his Sleeve, 
 or Coat Pocket ? or has me been lock'd up in 
 his Snuff-Box? Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 I cannot bear to jeft, when the Honour of 
 myfelf and Family are at Stake I have Wit- 
 nefTes that me viiits him every Day, and allows 
 and takes great Familiarities. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 She's a Woman of Quality you know 
 and therefore I cannot poffibly agree to abridge 
 my Sifter of her natural Rights and Privileges. 
 
 BOL-
 
 8 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 BoLGOLAM. 
 
 What, is Cuckolding her Hufband a natural 
 Right ? 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 Lord, Brother, how coarfely you talk 
 Befides, you know it can't be, it can't be ; 
 for did not Gulliver tell us, when we talk'd 
 to him about the Cuftoms of his Country, 
 that it was a Maxim with the E,nglijh> never 
 to lie with another Man's Wife. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 No matter for that though he's a Mon^ 
 fter among us, he may be as fine a Gentleman 
 as you are in his own Country ; and then I 
 wou'd not take his Word for a Farthing. 
 
 FR I P P E R E L. 
 
 Brother, I have no Time to quarrel with 
 you now ; for Gulliver, you know, is to make 
 his Entrance immediately j he is to be created 
 a Nardac of this Kingdom, and we have all 
 Orders from the King to affift at the Cere- 
 mony. So, Brother Flimnap, better Spirits 
 to you ; and better Manners to you, my dear 
 Bully Broadfide. Ha ! ha ! ha ! [Exit. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 A pretty Counfellor, truly, to confult with 
 
 in Cafes of Honour What is the Meaning 
 
 of bringing this Man-Mountain into the Me- 
 tropolis, and letting him at Liberty ? 
 
 Zpunds,
 
 LILLIPUT. 9 
 
 Zounds, if the Whim fhould take him to be 
 frolickfome, he'd make as much Mifchief in 
 the City, as a Monkey among China. 
 
 FL i MN A P. 
 
 He has figned the Treaty of Alliance with 
 us, and is brought here to receive Honours, and 
 to be ready to affift us. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 I wifh he was out of the Kingdom ; for 
 fhould he prove an ungrateful Monfter, like 
 fome other of our Allies, and join our Enemies, 
 we fhall confume our Meat, and drain our 
 Drink to a fine Purpofe ! 
 
 FL i M N A P. 
 
 'Tis my Intereft in particular to get him 
 hence, if I can ; and therefore I will join you 
 mod cordially, in any Scheme to fend him out 
 of the Kingdom. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 We'll think of it [Trumpets found.'] What's 
 that Noife for ? 
 
 F L i M N A P. 
 
 To call the Guards together, to attend the 
 Proceffion : I will put on my Robes, and call 
 upon you to attend the Ceremony. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 I'll wait for you (going) But do you hear, 
 Brother, talk to your Wife roundly ; don't 
 
 C fight
 
 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 10 
 
 fight her at a DHUnce, but grapple with her j 
 and if fhe won't ftrike, fink her- [Exit Bolg. 
 
 F L i M N A P. 
 
 Grapple with her, and if fhe won't ftrike, 
 
 fink her! 'Tis eafily faid, but not fo eafily 
 
 done Thefe Batchelors are always great 
 
 Heroes 'till they marry and then they meet 
 
 with their Match Let me fee why 
 
 fhou'd I difturb myfelf about my Lady's Con- 
 duit, when I have not the leaft Regard for my 
 
 jLady herfelf? However, by difcovering 
 
 her Jndifcretions, I mall have an Excufe for 
 mine ; and People of Quality fhou'd purchafe 
 their Eafe at any Rate. 
 
 Let Jealoufy torment the lower Life, 
 
 Where the fond Husband loves the fonder Wife: 
 
 Ladies and Lords jhould their Affcftiom 
 
 /mother^ 
 
 Be always eaf)\ and defpife each other : 
 With us ?70 vulgar Paj/ions foould abide j 
 For none become a Nobleman but Pride. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Enter Lady FLIMNAP and FRIPPEREL, 
 (Peeping and Laughing.) 
 
 Lady FL i M N A p. 
 
 Come, Brother, the Owls are flown. Ha ! 
 ha! ha! This is the mod lucky Accident! 
 
 but
 
 L I L L I P U T. ii- 
 
 but how came the Letter into your 
 
 Hands ? 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 The Moment I left your poor Husband, and 
 my wife Brother, coniiilting how to punifh you 
 for your unnatural Love of this Gulliver 
 
 BOTH. 
 Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 And was haft'ning to the Palace, to prepare 
 for the Proceffion, an elderly Lady (who tho' 
 paft Love Matters herfelf, feemed willing to 
 forward 'em) pulls me gently by the Sleeve, 
 and with an inlinuating Curtefy, and an Eye 
 that fpoke as wantonly as it cou'd, whifpered 
 me My Lord my Lord Flimnap I am 
 commifiioned to deliver this into your own 
 Hands, and hope to have the Honour of being 
 better known to you then curtefying again, 
 mumbled fomething, look'd roguimly, and 
 left me. 
 
 Lady FLIMNAP.- 
 
 Ha ! ha ! ha ! I am glad that I have caught 
 at 1 aft my moft virtuous Lord and Mailer 
 
 thefe moded Men they are very Devils 
 
 however, I can ballance Accounts with 
 
 him but pray read the Billet-doux to me. 
 
 1 am impatient to hear what his Slut fays. 
 
 C 2 FRIP-
 
 12 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 F R I P P E R E L. 
 
 'Tis a moft exquifite Competition, and a 
 Difcharge in full to you for all Kinds of Incli- 
 nations that you may have now, or conceive 
 hereafter either for Man or Monfter, Ha! 
 ha! ha! 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 Thou art the be ft of Brothers, pofitively. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 There's a Bob for your Ladymip too, I can 
 tell you that, 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 O ! pray let me have it. 
 
 FRIPPEREL reads. 
 
 Why did I not fee my dearefl Lord Flimnap 
 loft Night ? did public A/fairs^ or your Lady t 
 keep you from my Wijhes ? 
 
 Lady FLIMNAP. 
 Not his Lady, I can allure her. Ha ! ha ! 
 
 FRIPPEREL reads on. 
 
 Time icas when Affairs of State could be 
 Pojtpcn'd for my Company. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 Cou'd they fo ? then the Nation had a fine 
 Time of it ! 
 
 FRIT-
 
 LILL.IPUT i 3 
 
 FRIPPEREL reads on. 
 
 And if you facrific'd the loft Night to your 
 
 Lady, which bv all the Bonds of Love Jhou'd 
 
 have been mine, you injured both of us ; for I 
 
 was panting for you y while Jhe was wi/hing her- 
 
 felf with her adorable Man Mountain let 
 
 me conjure you to leave her to her Giants, and 
 fly this Evening to the Arms of your ever tender 
 languijhing 
 
 M O R E T T A. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 Upon my Word, the languifhing Moretta^ 
 makes very free with me but this is a pre- 
 cious Letter, and will fettle all our Family- 
 Quarrels for the future. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 But come, let us to a little Confultation of 
 
 Mifchief mail we fend for the Admiral 
 
 and mew it him ? We mall have fine 
 
 Bouncing. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 No, no, let us make the mod of it I'll 
 
 fit him for calling in Relations to affift him 
 
 If this Hubbub is to be made every Time I 
 follow my Inclination?, one might as well have 
 married a Tradefman as a Man of Quality. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 I wonder that he does not infill upon your 
 looking after his Family, and paying his Bills. 
 
 Lord
 
 , 4 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 And taking Care of my Children. Ha ! ha! 
 ha ! poor Wretch. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 Poor Devil ! but what (hall we do with the 
 
 Letter ? 
 
 Lady F L i M N A P. 
 
 Send it directly to my good Lord but 
 firit copy it, left he fhould forfwear it at the 
 proper Time. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 Or fuppofe, when at our next Confultation 
 upon your Indifcretions, that we fend the 
 Letter to him before us all, to fee how he will 
 behave upon it let me alone for that. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 Thou Genius of Mifchief, and beft of Bro- 
 thers ! what can I do to thank you for your 
 Goodnefs to your poor Sifly ? 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 I'll tell you what you (hall do Confefs to me 
 fincerely whether you really like this Gulliver. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A P. 
 
 Why then fincerely, I do think him a pro- 
 digious fine Animal And when he is drcfs'd 
 in his Nardac's Robes, I am lure there will 
 not be a Female Heart, but will pit-a-pat as 
 
 he paffes by. 
 
 I - 
 
 FR i P-
 
 L I L L I P U T. 15 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 Egad, he ought to make a fine Figure I'm 
 fure j for a hundred and fifty Taylors have 
 been working Night and Day thefe fix Weeks 
 
 to adorn this pretty Creature of yours 
 
 But, my dear Sifter, do you like him as a fine 
 Man, or a fine Monfter ? 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 Partly one, partly t'other. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 Well, you have certainly a great Soul, Sifter. 
 I don't quite understand your Tafte , but 
 fo much the better ; for I wou'd have a Wo- 
 man of Quality always a little incompre- 
 henfible. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 For Heaven's fake, let us make hafte to 
 join the Ceremony ; and be fure, Brother, to 
 prevent all Confpiracies againft my dear Gulli- 
 ver great Men will always be envied 
 
 What an Honour will he be to Lilliput ! 
 Had we but a few more fuch Lords, how 
 happy it would be for the Nation, as well as 
 the Ladies ! 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 You are certainly mad. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 Or I mould not be thy Sifter. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 Farewell, Giddy* head. 
 
 Lady
 
 ,6 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 Brother, I am yours. 
 
 [Exeunt federally. 
 
 Enter a Mob of LILLIPUTIANS, huzzaing. 
 
 Firft Mob. 
 What, is the Man-Mountain to be made a 
 
 Lord? 
 
 Second Mob. 
 
 To be fure, Neighbour, he is. 
 Firjt Mob. 
 
 I fuppofe he is to be made a Lord, becaufe 
 he is of fo much Sarvice to the Nation. 
 
 Second Mob. 
 
 We mail pay dear for it tho' ! for he eats 
 more, and drinks more at a Meal, than would 
 ferve my Wife and nine Children for a Month 
 I wifh his Lordmip was out of the King- 
 dom, for he'll certainly make free with us, 
 mould there be a Scarcity of Beef and Mutton. 
 
 Vbird Mob. 
 
 What Countryman is this Gu/Iiver, pray ? 
 Firjl Mob. 
 
 Why, they fay he comes from a ftrange 
 Country ! the Women there are very near as 
 tall as the Men, aye, and as bold too, and the 
 
 Children are as big as we are All the 
 
 People, they fay, are brav<| free and happy; 
 
 and
 
 L I L L I P U T 17 
 
 and for fear of being too happy, they are al- 
 ways quarrelling one among another. 
 
 Second Mob. 
 Quarrel ! what do they quarrel for ? . 
 
 Firft Mob. 
 
 Becaufe they are brave and free ; and if you 
 are brave and free, why you may quarrel when- 
 ever, or with whom ever you pleafe. 
 
 Second Mob. 
 
 What ! have they no Laws to keep them 
 quiet? 
 
 Firft Mob. 
 
 Laws! ay, Laws enough; but they never 
 mind Laws, if they are brave and free. 
 
 Second Mcb. 
 
 La! what a Slaughter an Army of fuch 
 Men-Mountains wou'd make ? 
 
 Firft Mob. 
 
 And fo they wou'd, whilfl they are brave 
 and free, to be fure, or elfe they may run away 
 as well as leffer People, \fnimpets found.] 
 Hark ! Neighbours, they are coming ; now for 
 a Sight you never faw before, nor mayhap will 
 ever fee again. 
 
 D SCENE
 
 i8 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 
 
 SCENE changes to M I L D E N D O, 
 the Capital City of L I L L I P U T ; 
 
 Then follows 
 
 The PROCESSION. 
 
 SCENE, GULLIVER'S ROOM. 
 
 Lalcon, the Keeper, /peaks wifbouf, 
 Clear the Way there for the Nardac Gulliver. 
 
 Enter LALCON and GULLIVER. 
 
 LA L c o N. 
 
 PLEASE your Lord (hip to floop a little 
 Molt noble and tremendous Nardac, be- 
 hold the Place alloted by his Majefty for thy 
 Retidcnce - It has em ploy 'd all the Work- 
 men belonging to the Public Works, thefe 
 three Months ; and thy Bed here, is the joint 
 Labours of all the Upholfterers in this great 
 Metropolis. 
 
 GUL 
 
 I am bound to his Majefty, for the Honours 
 he has done me ; and to you, Sir, for your 
 . cndfliip and Attention to me. 
 
 LA L-
 
 L I L L I P U T. 19 
 
 L A L C ON. 
 
 When your Lordmip pleafes to take the Air, 
 you will find a large back Door in your Bed- 
 chamber, thro' which your Lordmip may creep 
 into the Palace Gardens. I mall now leave you 
 
 to repofe after your Fatigue mould any 
 
 Company de (ire to fee your Lordfhip, may they 
 be permitted to enter ? 
 
 GULLIVE R. 
 
 Without doubt, Sir but intreat 'em, if 
 
 I mould be afleep, not to run over my Face, 
 nor put their Lances into my Nofe, or moot 
 their Arrows into my Eyes ; for lince the luft 
 Time they did me that Honour, I have been 
 much afflicted with a violent fneezing and 
 Head-ach. 
 
 L A LCON. 
 
 It wou'd be Death to difturb you now 
 
 by our Laws no-body can make free with a 
 Lord, but your Lordihip may make free with 
 any Body. 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 I mall not exert my Privileges. 
 
 LA LCON. 
 
 Will your Lordmip be pleafed to lie 
 down as gently, and to turn in your Bed as 
 eafily as poffible, left the moving of your Lord- 
 mip ; s Body fhou'd bring the Palace about your 
 Ears. 
 
 D 2 Gu L-
 
 20 
 
 I L L I P U T,. 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 I thank you, Sir, for your Caution - 1 
 li:t!c dry with my Fatigue to-day, mall 
 beg fomething to moiften my Mouth. 
 
 LA & c ON. 
 
 I fliall order a Hogfhead of Wine, to 
 quench your LordlLip's Thirft, immediately. - 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 Notwithftanding the Figure I make here, the 
 Honours I huve received, and the greater things 
 intended me, I grow fkk of my Situation I 
 (hall either ftarve, or be faciifked to the Envy 
 and Malice of my Brother Peers - They'll 
 never forgive the Service I have done their 
 Country - 1 wifh myfclf at Home again, 
 and plain Gulliver-* - Every thing is in Minia- 
 ture here but Vice, and that is fo difpropor- 
 tioned, that I'll match our little Rakes at Lilli- 
 put, with any of our fineft Gentlemen in Eng- 
 land. 
 
 Enter L A L C O N. 
 
 L A L C O N. 
 
 A hundred and fifty Taylors are without, to 
 pay their Duty to your Lordfhip, and have 
 brought their Bills - 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 Their Bills ! they are very prcffing fure 
 
 LALCON.
 
 L I L L I P U T, 3 1 
 
 LA LCQ N. 
 
 They have done nothing hut work at your 
 Lbrdftiip's Robes thefe fix Weeks and there- 
 fore hope your Indulgence, for the fake of 
 their Wives and Families. 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 I am fo much fatigu'd, that I muft defire 
 'em to give me till To-morrow, and affure 
 them, that notwithstanding my Titles and Pri- 
 vileges, I mall give 'em very little Trouble. 
 
 [Exit Lalcon. 
 
 My Greatnefs begins to be troublefome to 
 me. 
 
 Enter LALCON. 
 
 L A L C O N. 
 
 Two Ladies of the Court to wait on your 
 Lordmip. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Lady FLIMNAP and TOADEL, 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 Lady Flimnap again ! what can this mean ? 
 
 TOADEL. 
 
 Wou'd your Ladyfhip have me retire ? 
 Lady FLIMNAP. 
 
 Out of hearing only mould you leave us 
 quite to ourfelves, People might be cenforious. 
 
 TOADEL.
 
 22 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 T O A D E L. 
 
 I will walk into that Gallery, and amule my- 
 fclf with the Pidures. 
 
 Lady F L i M N AP. 
 Do fo, Toadel, but be within CalL 
 T o AD E L. 
 
 Upon my Word, the Monfter is a noble 
 Creature ! [Exit. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A P. 
 
 I cou'd not defer any longer wifhing you 
 Joy of the Honours which you have fo de- 
 fervedly received this Day I take a particular 
 Intereft in your Welfare, I aflure you. 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 And I a particular Pride in your Lady&ip's 
 good Opinion. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 I hope you don't think me imprudent, in 
 thus laying afide the Formality of my Sex, to 
 
 make you thefe frequent Vilits Do the 
 
 Ladies of your Country ever take thefe Li- 
 berties ? 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 O! yes, Madam ; our Englijh Ladies arc 
 allowed fome Liberties, and take a great many 
 more. 
 
 Laay F L i M N A p. 
 What, tl;e married Ladies? 
 
 GUI.-
 
 L I L L I P U T. 23 
 
 G U L L I V E R. 
 
 Our married Ladies, indeed, are fo much 
 cmploy'd with the Care of their Children, 
 and Attention to their Families, that they 
 would take no Liberties at all, did not their 
 Hufbands oblige 'em to play at Cards now 
 and then, left their great Attachment to do- 
 meftic Affairs fliould throw 'em into Fits of 
 the Vapours. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 Blefs me ! how different People are in dif- 
 ferent Nations ! I muft confefs to your Lord- 
 fhip, tho' I have fome Children, I have not 
 feen one of them thefe fix Months ; and tho' 
 I am married to one of the greateft Men in 
 the Kingdom, and, as they fay, one of the 
 handfomeft, yet I don't imagine that I fliall 
 ever throw myfelf into a Fit of Sicknefs, by 
 too fevere an Attention>to him or his Family. 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 What a profligate Morfel of Nobility this 
 is! (dfide) I muft own yourLadyfhip fur- 
 prizes me greatly j for in England I have been 
 fo ufed to fee the Ladies employ'd in Matters 
 of Affection and Oeconomy, that I cannot con- 
 ceive, without thefe, how you can poffibly gafs 
 your Time, or amufe yourfelf. 
 
 Lady
 
 24 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 Laay F L i M N A p. 
 
 What! are not tormenting one's Hufband, 
 and running him in Debt, tolerable Anrufe-' 
 incntb ! It is below a Woman of Quality to 
 Iiiivv cither Affedion or Oeconomy ; the firft 
 is vulgar, and the lall is mechanic And yet 
 ;""becn an Englijb Lady, perhaps I might 
 have fecn an Objedt that might have raifed my 
 Affeclion, and even perfuaded me to live 
 at home. [Looking at him andfigbing. 
 
 GULLIYER. 
 
 In the Name of Qnieen Mab, what is com- 
 ing now ! Sure I have not made a Conqueft, 
 of this Fairy ! \Apde. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 What a prodigious fine Hand your Lord- 
 
 fhip has ! 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 Mine, Madam ! 'tis brown fure, and fome- 
 what of the largeft. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 O ! my Lord, 'tis the nobler for that * 
 I affure you, that it was the firft Thing about 
 your Lordmip that (truck me - But, to re- 
 turn I fay, my Lord, had I been happy 
 enough to have been born bred and mar- 
 ried in England* I might then have been as 
 fond as I am now fick of Matrimony. 
 
 [Approaching tenderly. 
 
 GUL-
 
 L I L L I P U T. 25 
 
 GULLIVER, retreating. 
 
 Perhaps your Ladyfhip has taken fome juft 
 Averfion to our Sex. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 To one of it I have my Hufband 
 
 but to the Sex Oh no I I proteft I have not 
 far from it I honour and adore your Sex, 
 when it is capable of creating Tendernefs and 
 Efteem Have my Vifits to your Lordfhip 
 denoted any fuch Averfion ? My prefent Vifit, 
 which I have imprudently made, rather indi- 
 cates, that to one of your Sex at leaft, I have 
 not taken fo juft an Averfion as perhaps I 
 ought. 
 
 GULLIVER, \Afidt. ~\ 
 
 That is home, indeed What can I poffibly 
 fay to her, or do with her ? 
 
 Lady F L i M N A Pi 
 
 A married Woman, to be fure, ought not 
 to vifit a Gentleman ; fhe ought not to defpife 
 her Hufband ; fhe ought to prefer no Com- 
 pany to him and yet, fuch is my Weak- 
 
 nefs, I have vifited a Gentleman ; I do defpife 
 my Hufband, heartily defpife him ; and I am 
 afraid I might be tempted even to quitZ,/////w/, 
 were the Propofal made to me by one whofe 
 Honour, Bravery and Affection might make 
 the Lofs of my own Country lefs grievous to 
 me* 
 
 E Git-
 
 2 6 I, I L L I P U T. 
 
 GULLIVER. [Afidt.~\ 
 
 I am in a fine Situation She certainly 
 
 \vants to elope with me. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 Why won't your Lordfhip convert with me 
 upon tlieic Topicks ? 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 Upon my Word, Madam, I have been much 
 at a Lofs to comprehend you -, and now I do 
 comprehend you, I am fr.il! at a Lofs how to 
 anfwer you But Madam look upon your 
 delicate Veil and me Suppofing there were 
 no other Objections, furely this Difpropor- 
 
 tion 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 I defpife it, my Lord Love is a great 
 
 Leveller, and I have Ambition and I think; 
 if I make no Objections, , your Lordfhip need 
 not. 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 To pretend now not to understand you, 
 would be Affectation, .and not to fpeak my 
 
 Mind to you wou'd be Iniincerity I am 
 
 rnoft particularly forry, Madam, that I cannot 
 offer you my Services ; but, to fpeak the 
 Truth, I am unfortunately engaged. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A P. 
 Engaged, my Lord ! to whom, pray ? 
 
 GUL-
 
 L I L L I P U T. 27 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 To a Wife and fix Children. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 Is that all ! Hate not I, my Lord, the fame 
 Plea ? and does it weigh any thing againft my 
 Affection ? Have not I a Hufband and as many 
 
 Children ? 
 
 ^ 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 I allow that -, but your Ladyihip is, moft 
 luckily and politely, regardlefs of 'em I, 
 Madam, not having the good Fortune to be 
 born and bred in High Life, am a Slave fo 
 vulgar Paffions ; and to expofe at once my 
 Want of Birth and Education with Cort- 
 fulion I fpeak it I really love my Wife and 
 Children. 
 
 Lady F L i \f N A P. 
 
 Is it poffible! 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 I am afhamed of my Weaknefs, but it . is 
 too true, Madam. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A P. 
 
 I am amam'd of mine, I muft confefs - 
 What have I really caft my Affections upon a 
 Monfter, a married Monfter, and who, fliil 
 more monftrons, confeiTes a Paffion for his 
 Wife and Children. 
 
 E 2 GUL-
 
 2 g L I L L I P U T, 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 Guilty, Madam. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A P. 
 
 Guilty indeed ! thou art ten-fold guilty to 
 
 nlc but I am cured of one Paflion r and 
 
 Ihall now give way to another As for your 
 Lordmip's Virtue I leave and bequeath it, 
 with all its Purity, to your fair Lady and her 
 numerous Offspring Don't imagine that I'm 
 
 quite unhappy at your Coolnefs to me 
 
 I now as heartily defpife you as before I Ipv'd 
 you and fo, my dear Gully Yours - 
 
 y ou rs you rs Here, Toadel 
 
 Enter T O A D E L. 
 
 ket us be gone I am finely punifh'd for my 
 Folly. 
 
 T O A D E L. 
 
 For Heaven's fake, Madam, be compos'd, 
 and don't exafperate him j fhould he grow 
 outrageous, he might commit Violence upon, 
 us. 
 
 Lady F L i M NT A P. 
 
 He commit Violence ! he is a poor, tame, 
 
 fpivitlefs Creature His great mountainous 
 
 Body promifes Wonders indeed ; and when 
 your Expectations are raifed, inftead of the 
 roaring Dragon, out creeps the pufillanimous 
 
 * 4 f * * 
 
 Mouie. 
 
 TOADEL,
 
 LILLIPUT. 
 
 T O A D E L. 
 
 Dear my Lady, be pacified : Here comes 
 
 my Lord and your Ladyfhip's Brothers 
 
 flow will this end ? 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 To my Honour, aflure yourfelf Be fure 
 
 do you fecond me, when I want you, 
 
 To A D E L. 
 
 Play what Tune your Ladyfhip pleafes, I am 
 Always ready with the fecond Part. 
 
 Enter FLIMNAP, BOLGOLAM, and 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 FLIMNAP. 
 
 Now, Brother, am I unreafonably jealous, 
 or not ? See and judge yourfelves. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 I have judg'd, and now I'll execute. 
 
 [Draws his Sword. 
 
 FR i P P E RE L. 
 
 What, without a Trial ? Fye, for Shame, 
 Admiral ; that may be Sea Law, but it is not 
 Land Law. 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 What means this Infult, Admiral, in my 
 Apartments ? If you have no Dread of a 
 Man who could puff you away with his Breath, 
 
 at
 
 ^ L I L L I P U T. ' 
 
 at leaft reverence him whom your King has 
 honoured. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 No Place fhall protect a difhonourable Sifter. 
 FL i M N A P. 
 
 And no Strength fhall protect him, who has 
 difhonour'd Flimnap. 
 
 [Lays his Hand upon his Sword. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 I fay, hear the Parties firft If then Matters 
 are not cleared, you fhall draw your Swords, 
 and I'll withdraw into the next Room. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 Hear me, my Lord and Brother, and then 
 determine I confefs Appearances are again ft 
 me ; an imprudent Curiofity urged me to fee 
 this Monfter, and hear him talk of his Country 
 
 and its Cuftoms 
 
 FL i M N A p. 
 
 The Infection, Madam, that is taken in at 
 the Eyes and the Ears, will make a quick Pro- 
 grefs through the reft of the Body. 
 
 Lcdy FL i M N A p. 
 
 Jealouly, my Lord,, will make a quicker ; 
 
 but I defy it My Friend, Toadel, here, can 
 
 witnefs that Curiofity was merely my Motive. 
 
 To A D E L. 
 O yes, my Lord, 111 fwear that. 
 
 F RIP-
 
 I L L I P U T, 
 
 31 
 
 FR I P P E R E L. 
 
 And fo will I too - Toadel is a Woman of 
 yfimenfe Honour. 
 
 Lady FL I-M N A P. 
 
 Having no Harm myfeif, I fufpeclect none 
 The Monfter has always behaved mild, tame, 
 and gentle to me but juft now his Eyes 
 flashing with Defire he own'd a violent Paf- 
 fion for me ; nay, 'propofed even taking me 
 away with him into his own Country - - 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 In his Great- Coat Pocket, I fuppofe ! 
 And he would have made Money of yoa too, 
 if his Countrymen love Rarities ! 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 How can you- jeft at fuch a Time as this ? 
 
 F L i M N A P. 
 Fire and Vengeance ! 
 
 Lady F L i M N A P. 
 
 Pray, my Dear, contain yourfelf - Then 
 this wicked Monfter Ay, you may well turn 
 up your Eyes upon my being {hock'd at his 
 Propofal, and declaring my unalterable Love 
 to you began to grind his Teeth and bite 
 his Knuckles - - 1 trembled, and begg'd for 
 Mercy At laft, gathering Strength, from 
 Fear I fell into Rage j and being firong in 
 
 Virtue,
 
 3* L I L L I P U T; 
 
 Virtue, and warm with my conjugal 
 
 I broke out into a Bitternefs againft the Villain 
 
 who would have been my Undoer. 
 
 [Burfls into Tears. 
 
 T o A D E L. 
 
 Which certainly hinder'd him from corn- 
 mitting Violence. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 Poor Soul ! by all that's mifchievous (he's 
 a Genius. [Afide?\ 
 
 F L I M N" A P. 
 
 You have eas'd my Heart, Madam, of its 
 Sufpicions ; but my Honour muft have Satif- 
 faction here. [Draws bis Sword* 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 Pray, my Lord, fheath your Anger j the 
 Odds are rather againft you I wave this pri- 
 vate Trial, and infift upon a public one ; and 
 till then, I beg to retire from the Jealoufy of 
 a Hufband, the Partiality of Brothers, and the 
 irrefiftible Eloquence of fo fine a Lady. 
 
 F L i M N A P. 
 
 To-morrow the grand Court of Juftice fits, 
 and I fummon thee, Nardac Gulliver, before 
 the King and Peers, to anfwer to the Wrongs 
 thou haft done me. 
 
 GULLIVER. 
 
 Uumglum FKmnap I'll meet thee there. 
 
 [Goes info the inner Room. 
 
 Lady
 
 L I L L I P U T. 31 
 
 Lady FLIMNAP. 
 
 For Heaven's fake, my Lord, let us leave 
 this Den of Wicked n.efs. [Going. 
 
 Enter Keeper. 
 
 A Letter to my Lord Flitnnaf). \ 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 Now for it, Sifter have at the other Mon- 
 fler.-- [Afide.} 
 
 [Flimnap reads 3 and f terns diforder'd.'] 
 
 ,ady FLIMNAP. 
 No bad News, I hope, my Dear ? 
 
 B OL GOL AM. 
 
 Speak it out, Brother Your keeping it to 
 yourfelf won't make it better. 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 Nothing at all a private Buiinefs. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 What, a Petticoat Bufmefs, Brother ? 
 
 Letty FL EMNA^P. 
 
 I mail grow uneafy, my Lord 1 muft 
 
 kIiov^^ [Soot hi vg him. 
 
 FLIMNAP. 
 You can't, my Dear It is a State Affair 
 
 F Lady
 
 34 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 i 
 
 Lady F L i M N A P. 
 
 State Affairs have been often poftpon'd for 
 a Miftrefs > why may they not for once be in- 
 truded to a Wife. 
 
 FRIPPEREL. . 
 That's a Choaker. (Afide^ 
 
 BOLGOI,AM. 
 
 Zounds ! what's all this Myftery about ? 
 
 r J r>- 
 
 Lady r L i M N A p. 
 
 If you won't communicate, my dear Lord, 
 I will 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 What will you communicate? 
 Lady FLIMN A P. 
 
 Your State Secret the Contents of that 
 
 Letter -What, confounded, my fweetHuf- 
 
 band ! The Paragon of Chaftity out of Coun^ 
 tenance ? Ha ! ha 1 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 Expound this Riddle, or I'll march off. 
 Lady F L i M N A P. 
 
 There, Brother, is a true Copy of the Ne- 
 gotiation that great Stutefman is carrying on 
 for the Good, of the Nation. [Gives a Paper. 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 Then I'm difcover'd. 
 
 BOL-
 
 L I L L I P U T. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 Hum hum bum the tender languiflj- 
 
 ing MORETTA ! Is this true ? my Lord. 
 
 F L i M N A p. 
 
 I confefs it. 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 So, fo here are fine Doings! What, do 
 you keep a Whore, and are jealous of your 
 Wife too ? 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 That's damn'd unreafonable indeed ! 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 Look'e, my Lord, I promis'd you Juftice, 
 if me had injured you ; and, moreover, I pro*- 
 roifed to cut your Throat, if you mould injure 
 
 her' ; Therefore, if you'll walk with me 
 
 into the Burying-ground, J3rother, I'll be as 
 good as my Word. 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 I fhould ill deferve the Name of Gentleman, 
 if I was not as ready to defend, my Follies, as 
 commit them-- I'll attend you. 
 
 [Exit Flim. and BoL 
 
 T O A D E L. 
 
 Won't you prevent Mifchief, my Lady ? 
 
 F a Lady
 
 ^ 6 *L I L L I P U T. 
 
 Lady F L i M -N A p. 
 
 No, no ; the lofing a little Blood will do 
 'em both Service ; it v. ill cool the Wantonneis of 
 one, and the Choler of the other. 
 
 F R i P P E R E L'. 
 
 Let the worft happen I.-- (hall only be an 
 elder Brother, and you a Huiband, out of 
 Pocket. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p 
 
 O no ! there will be no Mifchief -, I'm con- 
 fident the Admiral will bring him to If my 
 Lord did not furTer himfelf to be bullied now 
 and then, there would be no living with him. 
 
 But what Noife is that? Ho, here the 
 
 Heroes come 
 
 Enter BOLGOLAM and FLIMNAP. 
 
 F R I P P E R E L. 
 
 Well, Gentlemen, do either of you want a 
 Surgeon ? 
 
 BOLGOLAM. 
 
 Why here's the Devil to do! the whole 
 City's in an Uproar the Man - Mountain 
 has made his Efcape out of his Cham- 
 ber > he has ftraddled over the Walls of the 
 Palace-garden, made the 'beft of his Way to 
 the Sea-fide, feized upon my Ship, a Firft 
 Rate, put his Cloaths on board her, weighed 
 
 her
 
 L I L L I P U T. 37 
 
 her Anchor, and is now towing her over an 
 Arm of the Sea, towards Bkfufcu. 
 
 FRIPPTREL. 
 
 Then you have loft your CommifHon, Ad- 
 miral j and you your Lover, Sifter. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 A good Voyage to him -.1 was fare that 
 he would run away You fee, my Lord, that 
 he durft not ftand the Trial j for all his Mighti- 
 nefs, he could not bear the Confcioufnefs of 
 his Guilt, nor the Force of my Virtue. 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 I fee it, Madam, and acknowledge my 
 Miftake. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 
 Is that a Satisfaction, my Lord, adequate to 
 the Injury? My Innocence,- my Lord, is not 
 to be thus wounded, without having other Re- 
 medies to heal it. 
 
 B o L c o L A M. 
 
 If you don't apply one, my Lord, inftantly, 
 I fhall. [C/aps his Hand to his Sword. 
 
 F L I M N A P. 
 
 I am ready, Madam, this Moment to make 
 you eafy and happy for the future. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 And how will your Lordlhip bring it about ? 
 
 FL i M NAP. 
 
 By permitting you, Madam, to follow your 
 Inclinations. 
 
 Lady
 
 3 8 LILLIPUT. 
 
 Lady FLIMNAP. 
 
 Now your Lordmip really behaves like a 
 Nobleman j and to convince you that I am not 
 unworthy of my Rank and Quality too, here 
 I folemnly promife never to difturb your Lord- 
 fliip in the Purfuit of yours. 
 
 FRIPPER.EL. 
 
 Perfetfly polite on both Sides. 
 FLIMNAP. 
 
 From this Moment, you have my full and 
 free Confent to fpend what Money you pleafe, 
 fee what Company you pleafe, lie in Bed, and 
 get up when you pleafe, be Abroad or at Home 
 when you pleafe, be in and out of Humour 
 when you pleafe ; and, in fliort, to take every 
 Liberty of a Woman of Quality, as you pleafe ; 
 and, for the future, fall in Love when you 
 pleafe with either Man or Monfter. 
 
 Lady FLIMNAP. 
 
 To fhew your Lordfhip that I will not be 
 behind-hand with you in Noblenefs of Senti- 
 ment, I mod fincerely grant you a free Accefs 
 to the languishing Moretta whenever you pleafe, 
 and intreat you, for the future, that you will 
 have as little Regard for me, as you have for 
 the Bufinefs of the Nation. 
 
 FLIMNAP. / 
 
 Let us feal and ratify the Treaty in each 
 other's Ann smy deareft Lady. 
 
 Lady
 
 L I L L I P U T. 39 
 
 Lady F L i M N A p. 
 My beloved Lord. \ffbey embrace. 
 
 B U L C O L A M. 
 
 I am aftoni|h4 ' from this Moment I 
 
 difown you all ! I'll out to Sea as fad as 
 
 I can ; mould thefe Politenefles reach us, Woe 
 be to poor Lilliput ! When they do, I'll let the 
 Sea into my great Cabin, and fink to the Bot- 
 tom with the Honour, Virtue, and Liberty of 
 my Country. [Exit BoL 
 
 FRIPPEREL. 
 
 A queer Dog my Brother is, that's pofitive 
 
 But come let me once again join 
 
 your Hands upon this your fecond happier 
 Union 
 
 Let Love be banim'd We of Rank and Fafhion, 
 Should ne'er in Marriage mix one Grain of Pafiion. 
 
 Lady F L i M N A P. 
 
 To Care and Broils we now may bid Defiance ; 
 Give me my Will, and I am all Compliance. 
 
 \Curtefm, 
 
 Lord F L I M N A P. 
 
 Let low-bred Minds be curb'd by Laws and Rules, 
 Our higher Spirit leaps the Bounds of Fools ; 
 No Law or Cuftom ihall to us fay nay j 
 We fcorn Rsftridion Vive la Ub-rtc. 
 
 EPILOGUE.
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 By a FRIEND. 
 
 SPOKEN by LADY F L I M N A P. 
 
 E ^ L now ! could you, who are of larger Size, 
 o a bolder Heighth your Pa/icns rife ? 
 
 .' A Lady of my Span 
 ibis monftrous Mountain Man ? 
 
 Prudts I know will cenfure,^ and- cr\\ '/ / 
 
 Prepoft'rous fi'.re! - A Pigmy love a (7/v 
 Tct foft - no Difproportion Love can knew ; 
 // finds us equal, or it makes us fo - 
 And to the Sex, though Pow'r, nor Strength belong, 
 IVe yet have Beauty, to fubdue the Strong. 
 
 Bui what Jirange Notions govern vulgar Life / 
 tfhc Brute has Qualms about c.n abfent Wife. 
 Were he at Home, his Dear might cut and carve, 
 But, if foe can't partake, mujl ethers Jlarve ? 
 A Theft like this he can't a Robb'ry call; 
 " Let her not know if, fliers not robb'd at all" 
 
 Well, if fo cold thefe Englifh Heroes prove, 
 
 '> faueamijh Creatures ne'er will gain my Love. 
 Huge jlufid Things ! not worth the Pains to win 'em ; 
 1'befe Giant Bodies have no Spirit in 'em : 
 Mere Dunghill Fowl ! unwieldy, dull, and tame ; 
 Ike fprightly Bantams are the trueft Game. 
 
 In War, perhaps, thefe Lubbers may have Merit ; 
 But to pleafe us they muft have Fire and Spirit : 
 For, let the Giants fay whatier they can, 
 *!77j Spirit ! Spirit ! Ladies, makes the Man. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 THE 
 
 MALE-COQUETTE: 
 
 O R, 
 
 Seventeen Hundred Fifty-Seven. 
 
 In TWO ACTS. 
 
 As it is Performed at the 
 
 THEATRE-ROYAL 
 In DRURY-LANE. 
 
 Jacentem lenis in Hoftem. VIRG. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for P. VA ILL ANT, facing Southampton - Street, 
 in the Strand. MDCCLVII, 

 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 WRITTEN AND SPOKEN 
 
 By Mr. G A R R I C K. 
 
 JflfHTto this Farce this Title given, 
 
 Of Seventeen Hundred Fifty Seven? 
 Is it a Regifter of Fajhions, 
 Of Follies, Frailties, favrite PaJ/ions? 
 Or ist defign'd to make appear, 
 How happy, good, and wife you were, 
 In this fame memorable Tear ? 
 Sure with our Author Wit was fcarce, 
 *To croud fo many Virtues in a Farce. 
 Perhaps 'tis meant to make you ft are, 
 Like Cloths hung out at Country Fair ; 
 On which ft range Monfters glare and grin, 
 
 70 draw the gaping Bumpkins in. 
 
 72>o' 'tis the Genius of the A?e, 
 
 J O * 
 
 70 catch the Eye with Title-Page ; 
 
 Yet here we dare not fo abufe ye 
 
 We havefome Monfters to amufe ye. 
 
 Te Slaves to Faflxon, Dupes of Chance, 
 Whom Fortune leads her fckle Dance : 
 Who, as the Dice Jhall fmile or frown, 
 Are rich and poor, and up and down j 
 Whofe Minds eternal Vigils keep ; 
 Who like Macbeth, have murder d Sleep!- 
 Each modijh Vice this Night Jhall rife, 
 Like Banquo'j Ghoft, before your Eyes j 
 
 While,
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 WJoile, confcious you, flail flart and roar 
 Hence, horrid Farce ! we'll fee no more ! 
 Ye Ladies, too Maids, Widows, Wives- 
 Now tremble for your naughty Lives ! 
 How will your Hearts go pit-a-pat? 
 Blefs me! Lord! what's the Fellow at ?- 
 Was Poet e'er fo rude before ? 
 Why fure the Brute will fay no more 
 
 Again ! O Gad! / cannot bear 
 
 Here you Boxkeeper, call my Chair : 
 
 Peace, Ladies 'tis afalfe Alarm 
 
 *To You our Author means no Harm. 
 
 His Female Failings all are FicJions : 
 
 o which your Lives are Contradictions. 
 
 7/6' unnatural Fool has drawn a Plan, 
 
 Where Women like a worthlefs Man, 
 
 A Fault ne'er heard ofjince the World began. 
 
 This Tear he lets you fteal away 
 
 But if the next you trip or ftray ; 
 
 His Mufe, he vows, on you Jhall wait, 
 
 In Seventeen Hundred Fifty-eight. 
 
 D R A-
 
 THE following Scenes were written with 
 no other View than to ferve Mr. Wood- 
 ward laft Year at his Benefit ; and to expofe a 
 Set of People, (the Daffodils) whom the Au- 
 thor thinks more prejudicial to the Community, 
 than the various Characters of Bucks, Bloods, 
 Flajhes and Fribbles, which have by Turns in- 
 fefted the Town, and been juftly ridicuPd upon 
 the Stage. He expects no Mercy from the Cri- 
 tics : But the more indulgent Public, perhaps, 
 will excufe his Endeavours to pleafe them, when 
 they mail know, that the Performance was 
 plan'd, written, and acted in lefs than a Month. 
 
 $$^%$W$$W^
 
 Dramatis Perfonse. 
 
 MEN. 
 
 Daffodil 
 
 Tukely 
 
 Lord Racket 
 
 Sir Wttiam Wbijler 
 
 Sir < Tan- c Tivy 
 
 Spinner 
 
 Dizzy 
 
 Ruffle 
 
 Firjl Waiter 
 
 Second Waiter 
 
 Harry 
 
 Mr. Woodward. 
 
 Mr. Palmer. 
 
 Mr. Slakes. 
 
 Mr. Burton. 
 
 Mr. Jefferfon. 
 
 Mr. Walker. 
 
 Mr. 
 
 Mr. 
 
 Mr. Ackman. 
 
 Mr. 
 
 Mr. 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Sophia 
 Arabella 
 Mrs. Dotterel 
 Widow Damply 
 Lady 
 
 Mifs Macklin. 
 Mifs Minors: 
 Mifs Barton. 
 Mrs. Cr<?/}. 
 Mrs. Bradjhaw.
 
 THE 
 
 MALE-CO QJJETTE. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Enter ARABELLA, and SOPHIA in Men's Cloaths. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 , my Dear, you'll repent this 
 
 Frolic. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 ^ Indeed, my Dear, then it will be the 
 
 !Lw J! w firft Frolic I ever repented in all my 
 cft ^-^J Life< Lookee, Bell, 'tis in vain to 
 oppofe me, for I am refolv'd the only Way to 
 find out his Charafter, is to fee him thus, and con- 
 verfe freely with him. If he is the Wretch he is 
 reported to be, I mall away with him at once; 
 and if he is not, he will thank me for the Trial, and 
 our Union will be the ftronger. 
 
 B ARA-
 
 2 tte M A L E-C O QJJ E T T E. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 I never knew a Woman yet, who had Prudence 
 enough to turn off a pretty Fellow, becaufe he had 
 a little more Wickednefs than the reft of his Neigh- 
 bours. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Then I will be the firft to fet a better Example- 
 If I did not think a Man's Character was of fome 
 Confequence, I mould not now run fuch Rifques, and 
 encounter fuch Difficulties, to be better acquainted 
 with it. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Ha, Sophy ! if you have Love enough to be jea- 
 lous, and Jealoufy enough to try thefe Experiments 
 
 don't imagine, tho' you mould make terrible 
 
 Difcoveries, that you can immediately quit your In- 
 clinations, with your Breeches ; and return fo very 
 philofophically to your Petticoats again, ha, ha ! 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 You may be as merry with my Weaknefles, as 
 you pleafe, Madam ; but I know my own Heart, 
 and can rely upon it. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 We are great Bullies by Nature ; but Courage 
 and Swaggering, are two Things, Coufm. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Since you are as little to be convinc'd, as I am to 
 be perfuaded your Servant [Going. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Nay, Sophy This is unfriendly if you are re- 
 folv'd upon your Scheme, open to me without Re- 
 ierve, and I'll afiift you. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Imprimis, then ; I confefs to you, that I have a 
 kind of whimfical Attachment to Daffodil-, not but 
 I can fee his Vanities, and laugh at 'em. 
 
 ARA-
 
 The MALE-COQUETTE. 3 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 And like him the better for 'em 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 Pfhaw ! don't plague me, Bell my other Lover, 
 
 the jealous Mr. Tukely 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Who loves you too well to be fuccefsful 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 And whom I really efteem 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 As a good Sort of Man, ha, ha, ha. 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Nay, fhou'd have lov'd him 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Had not a prettier Fellow ftept in between, who 
 perhaps does not care a Farthing for you 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 That's the Queftion, my Dear Tukely, I fay* 
 
 either ftung by Jealoufy, or unwilling to lofe me, 
 without a Struggle, has intreated me to know more 
 
 of his Rival, before I engage too far with him 
 
 Many ftrange Things he has told me, which have 
 piqu'd me I muft confefs, and I am now prepar'd 
 tor the Proof. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 You'll certainly be difcover'd, and put to Shame* 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 I have fecur'd my Succefs already. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 What do you mean ? 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 I have feen hiai, convers'd with him, and am to 
 meet him again to-day, by his own Appointment. 
 
 B 2 ARA-
 
 4 The MALE-COQUETTE. 
 ARAPBLLA. 
 
 Madnefs ! it can't be. 
 
 SOPHIA: 
 
 But it has been, I tell you 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 How? how? Quickly, quickly, dear Sophy ? 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 When you went to Lady Fanny's laft Night, and 
 left me, as you thought, little difpos'd for a Frolic, 
 I drefs*d me as you fee, call'd a Chair, and went to 
 
 the King's- Arms ask'd for my Gentleman, and 
 
 was (hewn into a Room he immediately left his 
 Company, and came to me. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 I tremble for you. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 I introduc'd myfelf as an Italian Nobleman, juft 
 arriv'd : 77 Mar chef e di Macaroni 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Ridiculous! ha, ha. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 An Intimate of Sir Charles Painlove's, who is now 
 
 at Rome I told him my Letters were with my 
 
 Baggage, at the Cuftom-houfe He receiv'd me 
 
 with all the Opennefs imaginable, and wou'd have 
 introduc'd me to his Friends ; I begg'd to be ex- 
 cus'd, but promis'd to attend him to-day, and am 
 now ready, as you fee, to keep my Word. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 Aftoniming ! and what did you talk about ? 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Of various Things Women among the reft , and 
 tho* I have not abiblutely any open Ads of Rebel- 
 lion againft him, yet, I fear he is a Traytor at Heart 
 
 and then fuch Vanity !- but I had not Time 
 
 to
 
 fbe MALE-COQJJETTE. 5 
 
 to make great Difcoveries It was merely the Pro- 
 logue The Play is to come. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 Adi your Part well, or we fhall hifs you 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Never fear me ; you don't know what a mad 
 raking, wild young Devil I can be, if I fet my Mind 
 to it, Bell. \Laying bold of ker t 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 You fright me ! you mail pofitively be no Bed- 
 fellow of mine any longer. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 I am refolv'd to ruin my Woman, and kill my 
 Man, before I get into Petticoats again. 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Take Care of a Quarrel tho' a Rival may bi 
 
 too rough with you. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 No, no, Fighting is not the Vice of thele Times ; 
 and as for a little Swaggering damn it, I can do it as 
 well as the beft of 'em. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Hufh, hufh ! Mr. Tukefy is here 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Now for a Trial of Skill ; if I deceive him, you'll 
 allow that half my Bufinefs is done. 
 
 {She walks afide^ takes out a Glafs, and look$ at 
 the Piflures. 
 
 Enter TUKELY. 
 
 TlJKELY, 
 
 Your Servant Mifs Bell I need not ask if 
 
 Mifs Sopby be at home, for I believe I have feen her 
 fince you did- 
 
 B 3 ARA-
 
 6 The MALE-COQUETTE. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Have you, Sir ? You feem difconcerted, Mr> 
 ftikely : Has any Thing happen'd ? 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 A Trifle, Madam but I was born to be trifled 
 
 y/ith, and to be made uneafy at Trifles. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 Pray, what trifling Affair has difturb'd you thus ? 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 What's the Matter now ? \_Afide. 
 
 TUKLY. 
 
 I met Mifs Sophy this Moment in a Hackney Chair, 
 at the End of the Street : I knew her by the Pink 
 Negligee ; but upon my crofting the Way to fpeak 
 to her, fhe turn'd her Head away, laugh'd violently, 
 and drew the Curtain in my Face. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 So, fo i well faid, Jealoufy. [dftde. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 She was in Hafte, I fuppofe, to get to her Engage- 
 ment. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Yes, yes, Madam ; I imagine fhe had fome Engage- 
 ment upon her Hands But fure, Madam, her 
 
 great Defire to fee her more agreeable Friends, need 
 not be attended with Contempt and Difregard to 
 the reft of her Acquaintance. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Indeed, Mr. Tukely, I have fo many Capiices> 
 and Follies of my own, that I can't poflibly anfwer 
 for my Co u fin's too. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 Well faid. Bell. \_4fide. 
 
 TUKELY.
 
 fbe MALE-COQJJETTE. 7 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Anfwer, Mifs ! No, Heav'n forbid you fhould 
 for my Part, I have given up all my Hopes as a 
 
 Lover, and only, now, feel for her as a Friend 
 
 and indeed as a Friend, a fincere Friend I can't but 
 fay, that going out in a Hackney Chair, without a 
 Servant, and endeavouring to conceal herfclf, is fome- 
 what incompatible with Mifs Sopbfs Rank and Re- 
 putation This I fpeak as a Friend not as a 
 
 Lover, Mifs Bell pray mind that. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 I fee it very plainly, Mr. Tukefy and it gives 
 
 me great Pleafure, that you can be fo indifferent in 
 your Love, and yet fo jealous in your Friendlhip. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 You do me Honour, Mifs, by your good Opi- 
 nion. 
 
 \Walks about, and fees Sophy. 
 Who's that, pray ? 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 A Gentleman who is waiting for Sophy. 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I think me has Gentlemen waiting for her every 
 where. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 I am afraid, Sir, [coming up to him with her Glafs] 
 you'll excufe me, that notwithftanding your Declara~ 
 tion, and this Lady's Compliments, there is a litde 
 of the Devil, calPd Jealoufy, at the Bottom of all 
 this Uneafmefs. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 Sir! 
 
 B 4 SOPHIA.
 
 8 <Tbe MALE-COQJJETTE. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 I fay, Sir, wear your Cloak as long as you 
 pleafe, the Hoof will peep out, take my Word 
 for it. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Upon my Word, Sir, you are pleas'd to honour 
 me with a Familiarity which I neither expected, or 
 indeed defired, upon fo flight an Acquaintance. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 I dare fwear you did not. 
 
 [Turns off, and hums a Tune. 
 
 TUKELY, 
 I don't understand this ! 
 
 ARABELLA: 
 
 This is beyond Expectation {Afide. 
 
 SOPHIA, 
 I prefume, Sir, you never was out of England' 
 
 {Picking her 'Teeth. 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I prefume, Sir, that you are miftaken 
 
 I never was fo foplifhly fond of my own Country, 
 to think that nothing good was to be had out of it ; 
 nor fo fhamefully ungrateful to it, to prefer the 
 Vices and Fopperies of every other Nation, to the 
 peculiar Advantages of my own. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Ha, ha ; well faid, old England, i'faith Now, 
 Madam, if this Gentleman would put this Speech 
 into a Farce, and properly lard it with Roaft Beef, 
 and Liberty, I wou'd engage the Galleries wou'd 
 
 roar and halloo at it for half an Hour together 
 
 Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 Now the Storm's coming. [Afide. 
 
 TUKELV.
 
 fbe MALE-COQUETTE. 9 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 If you are not engag'd, Sir, we'll adjourn to the 
 next Tavern, and write this Farce between us. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 I fancy, Sir, by the Information of your Face, 
 that you are more inclin'd to Tragedy, thaji Co- 
 medy 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I mall be inclin'd to treat you very ill, if you 
 don't walk out with me. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 I have been treated fo very ill already, in the little 
 Converfation I have had with you, that you muft 
 excufe my walking out for more of it -, but if you'll 
 perfuade the Lady to leave the Room, I'll put you 
 to Death Damme [Going up to him. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 For Heaven's fake ! what's the Matter, Gentle- 
 men ? 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 What can I do with this Fellow ? 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Madam, don't be alarm'd this Affair will 
 
 be very fhort I am always expeditious ; and will 
 cut his Throat, without mocking you in the leaft : 
 
 Come, Sir, [draws'] if you won't defend your- 
 
 felf, I muft kick you about the Room. [Advancing. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Refpect for this Lady, and this Houfe, has curb'd 
 my Refentment hitherto : But as your Infolence 
 wou'd take Advantage of my Forbearance, I muft 
 
 correct it at all Events [Draws. 
 
 SOPHIA and ARABELLA. 
 Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 TUKELY. 
 What is all this ? SOPHIA.
 
 io We MALE-COQJJETTE. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 What, would you fet your Courage to a poor, 
 weak Woman ? You are a bold Briton, indeed ! 
 Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 What, Sophia?* 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Sophia ! No, no ; fhe is in a Hackney- Chair, you 
 know, without a Servant, in her Fink Negligee 
 Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I am aftonifhM ! and can fcarce believe my own 
 Eyes What means this Metamorphofis ? 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 'Tis in Obedience to your Commands Thus 
 
 equipp'd, I have got Accefs to Daffodil, and fhall 
 know whether your Picture of him is drawn by 
 
 your Regard for me, or Refentment to him / 
 
 will found him, from his loweft Note to the Top of his. 
 Cotnpafs. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Your Spirit tranfports me This will be a bufy, 
 and, I hope, a happy Day for me. I have ap- 
 pointed no lefs than five Ladies to meet me at the 
 Widow Dampifs ; to each of whom, as well as 
 yourfelf, the accomplifh'd Mr. Daffodil has pre- 
 icnted his Heart ; the Value of which I am refolved 
 to convince 'em of this Night, for the fake of the 
 whole Sex. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Pooh, pooh! that's the old Story You are fq 
 
 prejudic'd. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I am afraid 'tis you who are prejudic'd, Madam ; 
 
 for if you will believe your own Eyes and Ears 
 
 SOPHIA.
 
 MALE^COQJJETTE. u 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 That I will, I affure you I (hall vifit him imme- 
 diately He thinks me in the Country, and to con- 
 firm it, I'll write to him as from thence But ask 
 me no more Queftions about what I have done, and 
 what is to be done j for I have not a Moment to 
 
 lofe ; and fo, my good Friend Tukely, yours 
 
 My dear Bell, I kifs your Hand \kijfes her Hand] 
 You are a fine Woman, by Heav*ns lere, Jo- 
 feppi, Brunello, France/i, where are my Fellows 
 there ? Call me a Chair Fiva I' Amor ^ 6f Liberia 
 
 [Exit Jinging. 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Ha, ha ; there's a Spirit for you ! Well now, 
 
 what do you (tare at ? You cou'd not well defire 
 more O, fie, fie, don't figh, and bite your Fin- 
 gers -, rouze yourfelf, Man ; fet all your Wits to 
 work ; bring this faithlefs Corydon to Shame, and I'll 
 be hang'd if the Prize is not yours If me returns 
 in Time, I'll bring her to the Widow Damply 's 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Dear Mifs Arabella- 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Well, well ; make- me a fine Speech another 
 Time. About your Bufinefs now- 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I fly , [Exit TUKELY. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 What a Couple of blind Fools has Love made of 
 this poor Fellow, and my dear Coufin Sophy ? Little 
 do they imagine, with all their wife Difcoveries, that 
 Daffodil i? as faithful a Lover, as he is an accom- 
 plifh'd Gentleman I pity thefe poor deceived Wo- 
 men, with all my Heart But how will they ftare, 
 when they find that he has artfully pretended a Re- 
 gard for them, the better to conceal his real Paf- 
 
 fion
 
 12 Me MALE-COQUETTE. 
 
 fion for me They will certainly tear my Eyes out ; 
 and what will Coufin Sopfjy fay to me, when we are 
 oblig'd to declare our Paffion ? No Matter what 
 'Tis the Fortune of War And I mail only ferve 
 her, as me and every other Friend wou'd ferve me 
 
 in the fame Situation 
 
 A little cheating never is a Sin, 
 
 At Love or Cards provided that you win. 
 
 [Exit ARAB. 
 
 Daffodil'^ Lodgings. 
 Enter DAFFODIL and RUFFLE, 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 But are you fure, Ruffle* that you deliver'd the 
 Letter laft Night, in the Manner I ordcr'd you ? 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 Exa<ftly_, Sir. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 And you are fure that Mr. Dotterel faw you flip 
 the Note i ito his Wife's Hand? 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 I have alarm 'd him, and you may he afiur'd, that 
 he is as unealy as you wou'd wifh to have him But 
 I mou'd be glad, with your Honour's Leave, to have 
 a little ferious Converfation with you ; for my Mind 
 forebodes much Peril to the Bones of your humble 
 Servant, and very little Satisfaction to your Honour. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Thou art a moft incomprehenfible Blockhead 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 No great Scholar, or Wit, indeed but I can feel 
 an Oak Sappling, as well as another Ay, and I 
 fhou'd have felt one laft Night, if I had not had the 
 Heels of all Mr. Dotterel's Family 1 had the whole 
 Pack after me DAF.
 
 We MALE-COQJLTETTE. i 
 
 J 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 And did not they catch you ? 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 No, thank Heaven 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 You was not kick'd then ? 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 No, Sir. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Nor can'd ? 
 
 RUFLLE. 
 
 No, Sir. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Nor drag'd thro* a Horfe-pond ? 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 O, Lord ! No, Sir. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 That's unlucky 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 Sir! 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Jf ou muft go again, Ruffle, to Night, perhaps you 
 may be in better Luck. 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 If I go again, Sir, may I be can'd, kick'd, and 
 Horfe-ponded for my Pains I believe I have been 
 Jucky enough to bring an old Houle over your 
 Head. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 What d'ye mean ? 
 
 RUFFLE'. 
 
 Mr. Dotterel only hobbled after me, to. pay me 
 for the Poftage of your Letter ; but being a little ouc 
 of Wind, he loon ftopt, to curfe and fwear at me 
 
 I cou'd
 
 14 We MALE-COQUETTE. 
 
 I cou'd hear him mutter fomething of Scoundrel, 
 and Pimp, and my Mafter, and Villain and Blun- 
 derbufs, and Saw-pic ; and then he fhook his Stick, 
 and look'd like the Devil ! 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Blunderbufs, and Saw-pit ! This Bufinefs grows a 
 little ferious, and fo we will drop it The Husband 
 is fo old and peevilh, and me fo young and prefiing, 
 that I'll give it up, Ruffle The Town talks of us, 
 and I am fatisfied. 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 Pray Sir, with Submifiion, for what End do you 
 write to fo many Ladies, and make fuch a Rout 
 about 'em ; there are now upon the Lift half a Dozen 
 Maids, a Learn of Wives, and the Widow Damply. 
 I know your Honour don't intend Mifchief ; but 
 what Pleafure can you have in deceiving them, and 
 the World ? for you are thought a terrible young 
 Gentleman. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Why that Pleafure, Booby. 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 I don't underftand it What do you intend to do 
 with 'em all ? Ruin 'em ? 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Not I, faith. 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 But you'll ruin their Reputations, 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 That's their Bufinefs Not mine. 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 Will you marry any one of 'em ? 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 O, no -, that wou'd be finiming the Game at 
 cnce .If I preferr'd one, the Reft wou'd take it 
 
 ill;
 
 The MALE-COQUETTE. 15 
 
 ill ; fo becaufe I won't be particular, I give 'em 
 all Hopes, without going a Step further. 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 Widows can't live upon fuch (lender Diet. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 A true Sportfman has no Pleafure but in the 
 Chace ; the Game is always given to thofe who have 
 lefs Tafte, and better Stomachs. 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 I love to pick a Bit, I mud confefs Really, Sir, 
 I fhou'd not care what became of half the Women 
 you are pleas'd to be merry with But Mifs So- 
 phy, fure, is a heavenly Creature, and deferves better 
 Treatment ; and to make Love to her Coufin too, 
 
 in the fame Houfe that is very cruel. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 But it amufes one befides they are both fine 
 
 Creatures. And how do I know, if I lov'd only 
 one, but the other might poifon herfelf ? 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 And when they know that you have lov'd 'em 
 
 both, they may poifon one another This Affair 
 
 will make a great Noife. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Or I have taken a great L^eal of Pains for no- 
 thing ; but no more prating, Sirrah ; while I read 
 my Letters, go and ask Harry what Cards and Mef- 
 fages he has taken in this Morning. 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 There is no mending him. 
 
 {Exit RUFFLE. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 [Opens Letters'] This is from the Widow Damply 
 
 1 know her Scrawl at a Mile's Diftance (he 
 
 pretends that the Fright of her Husband's Death hurt 
 
 her
 
 16 tte MALE-COQUETTE. 
 
 her Nerves fo, that her Hand has fhook ever fince 
 ha, ha, ha It has hurt her Spelling too, for here is 
 Joy with a G ; ha ! ha ! poor Creature. [Reads'] 
 Hum hum hum Well laid, Widow ; Ihe fpeaks 
 
 plain, faith, and grows urgent 1 muft get quit 
 
 of her fhe defires a tete a tete ; which, with Wi- 
 
 cows who have fuffered much for the Lofs of their 
 Husbands, is, as Capt. Bobadil fays, a Service of 
 
 Danger. So, I am off [Opens another] What 
 
 the Devil have we here ? A Bill in Chancery : Oh, 
 no ! my Taylor's Bill Sum Total 374^ iu. \d. 
 Indeed, Monfieur Chicaneau, this is a damn'd 
 Bill, and you will be damn'd for making it there- 
 fore, for the Good of your Soul, Monf. Chicaneau, 
 you muft make another, [tears it] The French know 
 their Confequence, and ufe us accordingly. [Opens 
 another.] This is from Newmarket. [Reads'] 
 
 " May it pleafe your Honour, 
 
 " T Wou'd not have you think of matching Cherry- 
 " JL Derry with Gingerbread-, he is a terrible Horfe, 
 
 " and very covetous of his Ground 1 have chopt 
 
 " Hurlothrumbo for the Roan Mare, and fifty Pounds. 
 " Sir Roger has taken the Match off your Hands, 
 " which is a good Thing; for the Mare has the 
 " Diftemper, and muft have forfeited I flung his 
 '* Honour's Groom, tho* he was above an Hour in 
 " the Stable. The Nutmeg Grey, Cujiard, is match f d 
 " with Alderman. Alderman has a good Wind, and 
 
 " will be too hard for Cuftard. 
 
 " I am, your Honour's 
 " Mofi obedient Servant, 
 
 " ROGER WHIP." 
 
 Whip's a Genius, "*and a good Servant. I have 
 not as yet loft above a Thoufand Pounds by my 
 
 Horfes But fuch Luck can't always laft. 
 
 Enter
 
 The MALE-COQUETTE. 17 
 
 Enter RUFFLE with Cards: 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 There's the Morning's Cargo, Sir. 
 
 [Throws *em down upon the T*able. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Heigh Day ! I can't read 'em in a Month , prithee^ 
 Ruffle^ fet down my Invitations from the Cards, ac- 
 cording to their Date, and let me fee 'em Tomorrow 
 
 Morning So much Reading wou'd diftract me. 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 And yet thefe are the only Books that Gentlemen 
 read Now-a-Days. [A/ifa 
 
 Enter # SERVANT. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 And pleafe your Honour, I forgot to tell yo\i that 
 there was a Gentleman here Jaft Night I've forgot 
 his Name. 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 Old Mr. Dotterel^ perhaps* 
 SERVANT. 
 
 Old ; no, no, he looks younger than his Honour 
 I believe he's mad, he can't ftand ftill a Moment; 
 he firft caper'd out of the Chair, and when I told 
 him your Honour was not at Home, he caper'd into 
 it again faid he would call again, jabber'd fome- 
 thing, and away he went finging. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 'Tis the Marquis of Macaroni^ I faw him at the 
 King's Arms Yefterday : Admit him when he comes, 
 Harry. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 I (hall, your Honour 1 can neither write or 
 
 remember thefe outlandifh Names. 
 
 [Exit Servo**. 
 C DAF-
 
 i8 The MALE-COQUETTE. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Where is my Lift of Women, Ruffle, and the 
 Places of their Abode, that we may ftrike offfome, 
 and add the new Acquifirions? 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 What, alter again ! 1 wrote it out fair but this 
 Morning There are quicker Succeflions in your 
 Honour's Lift, than the Court- Calendar. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Strike off Mrs. Dotterel, and the Widow Damply. 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 They are undone. [Strikes 'em out. 
 
 Enter SERVANT. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 A Lady, Mr. Ruffle, in a Chair, muft fpeak with 
 you. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Did flie ask for me ? See Ruffle, who it is. 
 
 [Exit RUFFLE. 
 SERVANT. 
 No, your Honour ; but me look*d cpittfluftrated. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Well, go below, and be careful not to let any old 
 Gentleman in this Morning and d'ye hear, if any of 
 the Neighbours fhou'd inquire who the Lady is, you 
 may fay it is a Relation , and be furc fmile, do 
 you hear ? when you tell 'em fo. 
 SERVANT. 
 
 I fliall, your Honour He, he, he, I am never 
 
 melancholy. [Exit Servant. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 That Fellow's a Character. 
 
 Enter
 
 Vie MALE-COQJJETTE. 19 
 
 Enter RUFFLE. 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 
 Sir, it is Mrs. Dotterel; fhe has had a terrible 
 Quarrel with her Husband about your Letter, and 
 
 has fomething to fay of Confequence to you both 
 
 fhe muft fee you, fhe fays. 
 
 DAFFODIL, 
 
 I won't fee her Why wou'd you fay that 
 
 I was at Home You know I hate to be alone 
 
 with 'em, and fhe's fo violent too -Well, well 
 
 fhew her up This is fo unlucky 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 He hates to fee Duns he never intends to pay. 
 
 [Exit. RUFF. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 \Vhat fhall I do with her ? This is worfe than meet- 
 ing her Husband vuth a Blunderbufs in a Saw-pit. 
 
 Enter Mrs. DOTTEREL, and RUFFLE. 
 
 DAFFODIL, 
 
 Deaf Mr?. Dotterel, this is fo obliging Ruffle^ 
 
 don't let a Soul come near me[siloud] And harkee, 
 don't leave us long together, and let every Body up 
 that comes. \dfde t 
 
 RUFFLE. 
 What a Deal of Trouble here is about nothing. 
 
 [Exit RLFF. 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 In the Name of Virtue, Mr. Daffodil, I hope you 
 have not given any private Orders, that may in the 
 lead derogate from that abfolute Confidence which 
 I place in your Honour. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 You may be perfectty eafy under this Roof, Ma- 
 dam. I hope, I am polite enough not to Jet my Paf- 
 
 C 2 fions
 
 20 The MALE-COQJLJETTE. 
 
 fions, of any Kind, run too great Lengths in my own 
 Houfe. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Nothing but abfolute Neceflify cou'd have made 
 
 me take this imprudent Step 1 am ready to faint 
 
 with my Apprehenfions Heigh ho ! . 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Heav'n forbid ! I'll call for fome Afliftance. 
 
 [Going to ring. 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Let your Bell alone [Stopping bim\ You'r always 
 calling for Afiififtance, I think you never give one 
 Time to come to ones felf Mr. Dotterel has feen 
 your Letter, and vows Vengeance and Deftruction 
 Why wou'd you be fo violent and imprudent ? 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 The Devil was in me, Madam -, but I repent it 
 from my Soul -, it has cur'd me of being violent. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Come, come, don't take it too deeply neither ; I 
 thought it proper, at all Hazards, to let you know 
 what had happen'd, and to intreat you, by that Af- 
 fection you have fworn to me, to be careful of my 
 Reputation. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 That I will indeed, Madam ; we can't be too 
 careful. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Well, Mr. Daffodil, I am an unhappy Woman 
 married to one I cannot love ; and loving one I ought 
 to fhun It is a terrible Situation, Mr. Daffodil 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 It is indeed, Madam, I am in a terrible one too 
 Wou'd 1 was well out of it. [dfide. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Do you\now, Mr. Daffodil, that if I had not been 
 
 very 
 
 u \now,
 
 7 
 
 The MALE-COQUETTE, sui 
 
 very religious, my Paflions would have undone me 
 But you muft give me Time, for nothing but that, 
 and keeping the beft Company, will ever conquer my 
 
 Prej udices 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 I fliould be very ungenerous not to allow you 
 Time, Madam three Weeks or a Month, 1 hope, 
 will do theBufinefs Tho', by my Honour, I got the 
 
 better of Mine in half the Time What is Rufflt 
 
 doing ? [JJide. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 He's very cold, merhinks ; but I'll try him fur- 
 ther Lookee, Mr. Daffodil, you muft curb your Paf- 
 fions, and keep your Diftance Fire is catching, and 
 one does not know the Confequences when once it be- 
 gins to fpread. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 As you fay, Madaoj, Fire is a catching ; 'tis dan- 
 gerous to play with it j and as I am of the Tinder- 
 Kind, as one may fay, we had better, as you 
 fay Madam, change the Subjed Pray did you 
 ever hear of the Pug-dog that you advertis'd ? It 
 was a very pretty Creature what was his Name, 
 Madam ? 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 Daffodil, Sir! [Stifling her Pa/ion. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Madam ! 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Could I love and efteem any Thing, and not call 
 it Daffodil ? W hat a Wretch ! \Afide. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 You do me Honour, Madam I don't like her 
 Looks, I muft change the Difcourfe [Afidt.'} Upon 
 my ^oul, Mrs. Dotterel, this Struggle is too much 
 for Man : My Paifions are now tearing me to Pie- 
 ces, and if you will (lay, by Heav'n I will not an- 
 fwer for the Confcquences. Mrs
 
 22 <fl>e MALE-COQUETTE. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Confequences ! What Confequences ! Thou 
 wretched, bale, falfe, worthlefs Animal ! 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 You do me Honour. [Bowing. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Canft thou think that I am fo blinded by my Paf- 
 fion, not to fee thy treacherous, mean, unmanly 
 Evafions ? I have long fufpe&ed your Infamy, and 
 having this Proof of it, I cou'd ftab your treacherous 
 Heart, and my own weak one Don't offer to ftir, 
 or ring your Bell, for, by Heav'ns, I'll- - 
 
 [Catches bold of him. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 I ftir ! I am never fo happy, as when I am in your 
 Company. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Thou lieft : Thou art never fo happy as when thou 
 art deceiving, and betraying our foolilh Sex and 
 all for what ? Why, for the poor Reputation of hav- 
 ing that, which thou haft neither Power nor Spirit 
 to enjoy. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Ha! I hear Somebody coming Now for a Rapure 
 \dfidel\ Talk not of Power or Spirit - Heav'n, 
 that has made you fair, has made me ftrong O! for- 
 give theMadnefs which your Beauty has occaiion'd. 
 
 [Throws bimfilf upon bis Knees. 
 
 Enter SERVANT. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 The Marquis of Macaroons [Exit Serv. 
 
 Enter SOPHIA, 
 
 Ha ! [Screams.] I am betray 'd ! - 
 [They all Jl are, and DAFfQDiLfeemingfy aftomjbed. 
 
 SOPHIA.
 
 fbe MALE-COQUETTE. 23 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 Mrs. Dotterel, by all that's virtuous 
 
 Signer Daffodillo - refto Confufo, tat I am com Ji 
 mal-a propq/lto. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Dear Marquis, no Excufe 1 beg nothing at nil 
 a Rdation of mine my Sifter only Mils Daffodil^ 
 this is, /'/ Mercbefe de Macaroni^ an Intimate of -ir 
 Charles Vainlo-vis This was lucky [///ide] Well, 
 then, my dear Sifter, I will wait upon you To-morrow, 
 and fettle the whole ArFair.[/f/0#Jj I am themoft mife- 
 rable of Mortals, and have loft the moft precious 
 Moments of my Life. [/ifide to Mrs. DOTT. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 You are a Villain - I defpife you, and deteft 
 you - and will never fee you more. 
 
 [Exit Mrs. DOTT. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha ! My Sifter has a noble Spirit, my 
 Lord. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Mi difpiace injinamente - it tisplis me, tat I 
 haf interrumpato, gli Affari of you Famiii. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 It is the old Family-bufinefs, my Lord ; and fb 
 old, that, by my Honour, I am quite tir'd of it. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 I hate him already. [A fide.'] Signer Daffodillo, 
 me is una beliljima Sordla in Veriia^ a very prit* Sils* 
 intit. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 I muft confefs to you, my Lord, that my Sifter 
 is a young diftrefs'd Damfel, married to an old Gen- 
 tleman of the Neighbourhood, Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 >PHI A. 
 
 O Car a Inghilterra ! vat a fortunata Contree is tis ! 
 C 4 te
 
 24 The MALE-COQJJETTE. 
 
 te olt Men marri de yong fine Girl, and te yong fine 
 Girl vifite te yong Signers O, preciofa Liberia 1 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Indeed, my Lord, Men of Fafhion here have 
 fome fmail Privileges ; we gather our Rofes with- 
 out fear of Thorns Husbands and Brothers don't 
 deal in Poifon and Stilletos, as they do with you. 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 // noftro amico, Signer Carlo, has tol me a toufant 
 yoltiy dat you vas de Orlando Innamorato himfelf. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 But not Furiofo, I can afiure you, my Lord, Ha, 
 ha, ha ! I am for Variety, and Badinage, without Af- 
 
 feclion Reputation is the great Ornament, and 
 
 Eafe the great Happinefs of Life To ruin Wo- 
 men wou'd be troublefome ; to trifle and make Love 
 to 'cm amufcs one I ufe my Women as daintily as 
 my Tokay ; I merely fip of both, but more than 
 half a Glafs palls me, 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 // mio proprioGuJto Tukely is right ; he's a Vil- 
 lain. \_Jjide] l ignor Daffodillo ; Vil you do me de 
 Favor to give me Stranger, una Introduzicne to fome 
 of your Signcrine, let voftro amico tafte a littel, un 
 Poco of your dulce Tokay. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 0, Certamenti] 1 have half a hundred Signo- 
 
 rines at your Service. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Mult 9 clligato, Signer Dafodillo. 
 
 Enter
 
 The MALE-COQUETTE. 25 
 Enter SERVANT. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 Here is a Letter for your Honour. [Surlily. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 What is the Matter with the Fellow ? 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 Matter, your Honour ! the Lady that went out 
 juft now, gave me fuch a Soufe on the Ear, as I 
 made my Bow to her, that I cou'd fcarce tell, for a 
 Minute, whether I had a Head or no. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Ha ! ha ! Poor Fellow ! there's Smart Money 
 for you. [Gives him Money. ] [ Exit Servant.] Will 
 your Lordfhip give me Leave ? 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Senza Ceremonie now for it. [dfide. 
 
 DAFFODIL. Redds. 
 " SIR, 
 
 " T Shall return from the Country next Week, 
 " JL and (hall hope to meet you at Lady Fanny 
 " Pewit's Affembly next Wednefday. 
 
 " / am very much your humble Servant, 
 
 " SOPHIA SPRIGHTLY." 
 
 My Lord Marquis, here is a Letter has ftarted 
 
 Game for you already the mod lucky Thought 
 imaginable. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 Cofa e quefta Cofa, evat is ? 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 There are two fine Girls you mud know, Cou- 
 fins, who live together ; this is a Letter from one 
 
 of 'em, Sophia is her Name 1 have addrefs'd 'em 
 
 both, but as Matters become a little ferious on then- 
 Side
 
 26 The MALE-COQJUETTE. 
 
 Side, I muft raife a Jealoufy between the Friends ; 
 difcover to one the Treachery of the other ; and fo in 
 the Buttle fteal off as quietly as 1 can. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 O ! Spirit ofo Amico - 1 can fcarce contain myfelf. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Before the Mine is fprung, I will introduce you 
 into the Town. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 You are great Gcneralijjimo in verita ma. I feel 
 in mid Core vat de poor infelice Sophia vil feel for de 
 Lofs of Signor Daffadillo. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Yes, poor Creature ; I believe (he'll have a Pang 
 or two - tender indeed ! and I believe will be un- 
 happy for fome Time. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 What a Monfler ! [Afide. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 You muft dine with our Club to-day, where I wilt 
 introduce you to more of Sir Charles's Friends, all 
 Men of Figure and Fafhion. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 I muft primo haf my Lettere, dat your Amid may 
 be afficurati dat I am no ImpoJIore. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 In the Name of Politenefs, my Lord Marquis* 
 don't mention your Letters again ; none but a Juftice 
 of Peace, or a Conftable, would ever ask for a Certi- 
 ficate of a Man's Birth, Parentage, and Education, 
 Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Viva, viva il Signor Daffodillo! You fhall be il mio 
 Ccnduttore in t title It Partite of Love and Pica lure. 
 
 DAF-
 
 MALE-COQJUETTE. 27 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 With all my Heart You muft give me Leave 
 
 now, my Lord, to put on my Cloaths In the 
 
 mean Time, if your Lordfhip will ftep into my Study 
 there, if you chule Mufic, there is a Guittar, and 
 fome Venetian Ballads ; or, if you like reading, there's 
 
 Infidelity, and baudy Novels for you Call Ruffle 
 
 there. \Exit DAFF. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 {Looking after him] I am (hock'd at him He is 
 really more abandon'd than -7^'sjealoufy defcrib'd 
 him I have got my Proofs, and will not venture 
 any further ; I am vex'd that I fhou'd be angry at 
 him, when I fhou'd only defpife him But I am fo 
 angry, that I cou'd almoft wifh myfclf a Man, that 
 my Breeches might demand Satisfaction for the In- 
 jury he has done my Petticoats. 
 
 Exit, 
 
 End of the FIRST ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 28 Me MALE-COQUETTE. 
 
 \ 
 
 II. 
 
 SCENE, Mr*. DAMPLY'S Lodgings. 
 
 Enter ARABELLA and SOPHIA. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 IN fhort, his own Declarations, the unexpected 
 Meeting of Mrs. Dotterel., his Ufage of my Let- 
 ter, and twenty Things befide, determin'd me not to 
 go among the Set of 'em So making the beft Ex- 
 Ciife I cou'd, I got quit of him and his Companions. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 All this may be true, Sophy- Every young Fel- 
 low has his Vanities , Fafhion has made inch Irregu~ 
 larities Accomplifhments, and the Man may be worth 
 having, for all your Difcoveries. 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 What I an abandon'd, rafh, profligate Male-Co- 
 quette ; a Wretch, who can affume Paffions he never 
 
 feels, and fport with our Sex's Frailties Fie, fie, 
 
 Bell 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Well, well, you are too angry to be merciful 
 If he is fuch a Monfter, I am glad you are out of 
 his Clutches, and that you can fo eafily refign him 
 to another. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 To another! there is not that Woman, be me ever 
 fo handfome, that 1 hate enough, to wifh her fo much 
 
 Evil;
 
 TZv MALE-COQJJETTE. 29 
 
 Evil ; and happy it is for you, Bell, that you have a 
 Heart to refift his Allurements. 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Yes, I thank my Stars 1 am not fo fufceptible 
 
 of Imprefliqns of that Kind and yet 1 won't 
 
 fwear if an agreeable Man I I 
 
 SOP HI A. 
 
 No, no, Bell, you are not abfolute Stone you 
 
 you may be mollified She is confounded l^M?. 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Surely he has not betray'd me 'Tis impofiible, 
 I cannot be deceiv'd. [_/!fidc. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Well, (hall we go in to the Ladies and Mr. Tuke- 
 ly ? Were they not furpriz'd when he open'd theBu- 
 Gnefs to 'em ? 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 'Twas the fineft Scene imaginable You cou'd fee, 
 tho' they all endeavour'd to hide their Liking to 
 Daffodil, all were uneafy at fukelfs Difcovery. At 
 firft, they objected to his Scheme i but they began to 
 Men to his Propofal the Moment I was call'd out 
 to you , what farther he intends, is a Secret to us all ; 
 but here he comes, and without the Ladies. 
 
 Enter TUKELY: 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Pray, Mifs Bell Blefs me ! Mifs Sophy returned ! 
 I dare not askand yet if my Eyes do not flatter my 
 
 Heart your Looks 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Don't rely too much upon Looks, Mr. Tukefy. 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Madam why fure 
 
 SOPHIA.
 
 30 The MALE-COQJJETTE. 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Don't imagine, I fay, that you can always fee the 
 Mind in the Face. 
 
 TuKELY. 
 
 I can fee, Madam, that your Mind is not difpos'd 
 to wifli, or make me happy. 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Did not I bid you not to rely upon Looks ; for do 
 
 . you know now that my Mind is at this Time moft 
 
 abfolutely difpos'd to do every thing that you wou'd 
 
 have me. [Curtfys. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Then I have nothing more to wifh or ask of For- 
 tune. [Kneels, and ki/es her Hand. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Come, come, this is no Time to attend to one, 
 when you have fo many Ladies to take Care of. 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I will not yet enquire into your Adventures, 'till I 
 have accomplifh'd my own. The Ladies within have 
 at laft agreed, to attend me this Evening ; where, it" 
 you have a Mind to finifh the Picture you have be- 
 gun this Morning, an Opportunity may offer. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 I am contented with my Sketch However, I'll 
 make one ; and if you have an Occafion for a Second 
 in any thing I am your Man command me. 
 
 TUKELY^ 
 
 A Match from this Moment I take you as my 
 Second , nay, my Firft in every Circumftance of our 
 future Lives. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Mighty pretty, truly ! and fo I am to (land cool- 
 ing my Heels here, while you are making yourfelves 
 ridiculous. 
 
 SOPHIA
 
 The MALE-COQUETTE. 3 t 
 
 SOPHIA: 
 
 in the Right to Bufinefs, to Bufinefs 
 
 Mr. Tukeley, you muft introduce me to the Ladies ; 
 I can at leaft make as good a Figure as Mr. Daffodil 
 among 'em. 
 
 [Exit Sophia and Tukely. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 When Daffodil's real Inclinations are known, how 
 thofe poor Wretches will be difappointed. 
 
 {Exit Arab. 
 
 SCENE, The Club-Room. 
 
 Lord RACKET, Sir TAN-TIVY, Sir WILLIAM 
 
 WHISTER, SPINNER writing^ and DAFFODIL. 
 
 {Waiter behind. 
 
 DAFFODIL- 
 
 What do you fay, my Lord, that I don't do it in 
 an Hour ? 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 Not in an Hour and Half, George. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Done with you, my Lord I'll take your Seven 
 to Five Seventy Poud to Fifty. 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 Done I'll lay the Odds again, with you, Sir 
 
 William and with you, Sir Tivy. 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 
 Not I, faith -, Daffodil has too many fine Wo- 
 men he'll never do it. 
 
 DAF.
 
 32 tte MALE-COQUETTE. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 I'll go into the Country for a Week, and riot a 
 
 Petticoat fhal come near me I'll take the Odds 
 
 again. 
 
 Sir TAN-TIVY. 
 
 Done, Daffodil. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 You are to hop upon one Leg, without changing, 
 mind that Set it down, Spinner. 
 
 SPINNER. 
 
 I have Shall I read it ? 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 Silence in the Court. 
 
 SPINNER. 
 
 Reads.'} " Lord Racket has betted 70 Pounds to 50, 
 " with the Honourable George Daffodil 
 " that the Latter does not walk from 
 " Bukingham-Gate^ to the Bun-houfe^ at 
 " Chelfea eat a Bun there, run back to 
 " the Turnpike, and from thence hop 
 " upon one Leg, with the other tied to 
 " the Cue of his Wig, to Buckingham-Gate 
 " again, in an Hour and Half. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 I fay, done 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 And done. 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 
 Confider your Women you'll never do it 
 
 George. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Not do it ! [bops'] Why, I'll get a Cbelfea Penfio- 
 ner (hall do it in an Hour, with his wooden Leg 
 
 What Day mall we fix for it ? 
 
 Sir
 
 lie MALE-COUQETTE. 33 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 The firft of April, to be fure. 
 
 ALL. 
 Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 ComcJJafo&L, read the Betts and Matches of To- 
 day then let us finifh our Champaign^ and go 
 
 to the Opera. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Reads.'] " March 24, 1757, Sir Tan-Tivy, has pitted 
 
 c Lady Pettitoe, again ft Dowager Lady 
 
 " Periwinkle^ with Sir Williavi Wbifter* 
 
 " for 500 /. I'll pit my Uncle. Lord 
 
 " Cbalkftom, againft'em both." 
 
 Sir TAN-TIVY. 
 Done. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 The Odds are againft you, Daffodil my Cord 
 
 has got to plain Nantz now every Morning. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 And the Ladies have been at it to my Knowledge, 
 this half Year. 
 
 DAFFOOIL. 
 Good, again, George. 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 
 " The Honourable George Daffodil, has bet- 
 " ted one hundred Pound, with Sir Wil- 
 " Urn Whifter, that he produces a Gen- 
 " tleman, before the 5th of June next, 
 " that ihall live for five Days fuccefllvely, 
 " without Eating, Drinking, or Steep-. 
 " ing." 
 
 Sir WILLIAW. 
 
 He muft have no Books, George. 
 D
 
 34 Tk MALE-COQUETTE. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 No, no ; the Gentleman I mean can't read. 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 *Tis not yourfelf, George ! 
 
 OMNES. 
 Ha, ha, ha ; 'tis impoflible, it muft kill him. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Why, then I lofe my Bet. 
 
 Reads.] " Lord Racket has match'd Sir Jojlin Jolly 
 " againft Major Calipajb^ with Sir Ta*r 
 " Sfitoy, to run fifty Yards Upon the Matt 
 " after Dinner, if either tumbles, the Wa- 
 " ges is loft for Fifty Pounds. 
 
 SPINNER. 
 
 Til lay Fifty more, neither of 'em run the Ground 
 in Half an Hour. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Not in an Hour. 
 
 Sir TAN-TIVY. 
 Done, Daffodil I'll bet you a Hundred of that. 
 
 . DAFFODIL. 
 Done, Baronet ; I'll double it, if you will. 
 
 Sir TAN-TIVY. 
 With all my Heart Book it, Spinner. 
 
 [Spinner writes. 
 Lord RACKET. 
 You'll certainly lofe, George. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Impoflible, my Lord ; Sir Jojlin is damnably out 
 of Wind. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 What, Afthmatic ? 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 No, quite cur'd of his Afthma he dy'd Ye* 
 
 ftcrday Morning- Bite. 
 
 ALL.
 
 Me MALE-COQJCJETTE. 35 
 
 ALL. 
 Bravo, George . 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 Now you talk of dying how does your Coufin 
 Dizzy? 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Lingers on better and worfe - Lives upon 
 Afies Milk, Panada, and Eringo Root. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 You'll have a fine Wind-fall there, George a good 
 Two Thoufand a Year. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 *Tis better, my Lord ; but I love Dick fo well, 
 and have had fo many Obligations to' him he fav'd 
 
 my Life once that I cou'd wifh him better 
 
 Health. 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 
 Or in a better Place there's devilifh fine Timber 
 in S taunt on Woods. 
 
 Sir TAN-Tivv. 
 Down with 'em, Daffodil. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 But let Dizzy drop firft a little Blaft will fell 
 
 him. 
 
 Enter DIZZY. 
 
 DIZZY. 
 Not fo little as you may imagine, my Lord hugh, 
 
 hugh [Coughs. 
 
 ALL. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Angels and Minifters ! what Coufin ! We were got 
 among your Trees. 
 
 D 2 DIZZY.
 
 36 the MALE-COQJLJETTE. 
 
 DIZZY. 
 
 You are heartily welcome to any one of 'em, Gen- 
 tlemen, for a proper Purpofe Hugh, Hugh. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 Well faid, Dick. How quick his Wit, and how 
 youthful the Rogue looks ! 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Bloomy and plump the Country Air is a fine 
 
 Thing, my Lord 
 
 DIZZY. 
 Well, well, be as jocular as you pleafe ; I am not 
 
 fo ill, as you may vvifh, or imagine ; 1 can walk 
 
 to Kmghti'bridge in an Hour, for a Hundred 
 Pound. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 I bet you a Hundred of that, Dizzy. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 I'll lay you a Hundred, Dick, that I drive a 
 Sow and Pigs to your Lodgings, before you can get 
 there. 
 
 DIZZY. 
 Done, I fay ; [Draws bis Purfe.] Done Two 
 
 Hundred- done Three. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 I'll take Dizzy, againft your Sow and Pigs; 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 I take the Field againft Dizzy. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 Done. 
 
 SPINNER. 
 Done. 
 
 DIZZY. 
 
 Damn your Sow and Pigs ; I am fo fick with the 
 Thoughts of rnning with 'em, that I fhall certain- 
 ly faint [Smells to a Bottle'] hugh, hugh 
 
 DAF-
 
 ttc MALE-CO QU E T T E. 37 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Coufm Dizzy can't bear the Mention of Pork 
 
 he hates it 1 knew it would work. 
 
 [Afide to the reft. 
 DIZZY. 
 
 I wifh you had not mention'd it 1 can't flay 
 
 Damn your Sow and Pigs Here, Waiter, call 
 
 a Chair Damn your Sow and Pigs ! hugh, hugh. 
 
 [Exit Dizzy. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Poor Dizzy -What a Paffion he is in ! Ha, 
 ha, ha. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 The Woods are yours, George ; you may whet the 
 Axe. Dizzy won't live a Month. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Pooh, this is nothing he was always weakly 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 'Tis a Family Misfortune, Daffodil. 
 
 Enter WAITER. 
 
 WAITER. 
 
 Mr. Dizzy, Gentlemen, dropp'd down at the Stair 
 Foot, and the Cook has carried him behind the Bar. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Lay him upon a Bed, and he'll come to himfelf. 
 
 [Exit Waiter. 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 I'll bet Fifty Pound, that he don't live till Morn- 
 ing. 
 
 SIR WILLIAM. 
 
 I'll lay Six to Four, he don't live a Week. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Pll take your Fifty Pound. 
 
 SPINNER. 
 
 Pll take your Lordfhip again. 
 
 D 3 Lord
 
 38 Tbe M A L E-C O QJLJ E T T E. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 Done, with you both. 
 
 Sir TAN-TIVY. 
 I'll take it again. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 Done, done, done ;- but I bar all Afliftance to 
 
 him -Not a Phyfitian, or Surgeon fent for 
 
 or I am off. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 No, no ; we are upon Honour There fhall be 
 
 none, elfe it wou'd be a bubble Bet. There fhall 
 be none. 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 
 If I were my Lord, now, the Phyficians Ihould at- 
 tend him. 
 
 Enter WAITER, with a Letter. 
 
 WAITER. 
 
 A Letter for his Honour [Gives it to Daff- 
 [Daffodil reads it to bimfelf* 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 
 Daffodil, remember the Firft of April apd let 
 
 the Women alone. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Upon my Soul you have hit it ? tis a Woman, 
 
 Faith Something very particular, and if you are in 
 
 Spirits for a Scheme 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 Ay, ay ; come, come ; a Scheme, a Scheme ! 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 There then, have among you. 
 
 [Throws the Letter upon the fable. 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 Reads, all looking on.J Hum " If the liking your 
 " Perfon be a Sin, what Woman is not guilty ? hum 
 
 f? hum -at the End of the Bird-cage Walk 
 
 " about
 
 MALE-COQJLJETTE. 39 
 
 " about Seven where the Darknefs and Privacy will 
 
 ' befriend my Blufhes ; I will convince you, what 
 
 Truft I have in your Secrecy and Honour 
 
 Yours, INCOGNITAS 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Will you go ? 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 What do you propofe ? 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 To go If after I have been with her half an 
 
 Hour, you'll come upon us and have a Blow up. 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 There's a Gallant for you ! 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Prithee, Sir William* be quiet mud a Man be in 
 Love with every Woman that invites him \ 
 
 Sir WILLIAM. 
 
 No ; but he mould be honourable to 'em, George 
 and rather conceal a Woman's Weaknefs, than ex- 
 pofe it I hate this Work fo, I'll go to the Coffee- 
 houfe. [Exit Sir William, 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 Let him go don't mind him, George ; he's mar- 
 ried, and pad fifty this will be a fine Frolic 
 Devilifh high 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Very ! Well, I'll go and prepare myfelf put on 
 my Surtout, and take my Chair to Buckingham- 
 Gate I know the very Spot. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 We'll come with Flambeaux you muft be fur- 
 pris'd, and 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 I know what to do Here, Waiter, Waiter ; 
 
 D 4 Enter
 
 4 o The MALE-COQJJETTE. 
 
 Enter WAITER. 
 
 tiow does Coufin Dizzy ? 
 
 WAITER. 
 
 Quite recover'd, Sir ; he is in the Pbanix, with 
 two Ladies, and has order'd a boil'd Chicken and 
 Jellies. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 There's a Blood for you ! without a Drop in his 
 Veins. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Do you flay with him, then, till I have fecur'd 
 my Lady ; and in Half an Hour from this Time 
 come away, and bring Dizzy with you. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 If he'll leave the Ladies Don't the Italian Mar- 
 quis dine with us To-morrow ? 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Certainly. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 Well, do you mind your Bufmefs and I'll fpeak 
 to the Cook to mew his Genius Allons ! 
 
 [Exit DafT. 
 Lord RACKET. 
 
 Tern, bid the Cook attend me To-morrow Morn- 
 ing, on fpecial Affairs [Exit Lord Racket, &c. 
 
 2d WAITER. 
 I mallj my Lord. 
 
 ift WAITER. 
 
 I'll lay you, Tow, Five Six-pences to Three, that 
 my Lord wins his Bett with his Honour DafodiL 
 
 2<i WAITER. 
 Done with you Harry I'll take your Half Crown 
 
 to Eighteen-pence [Bell rings wiibin. 
 
 ift WAITER. 
 Coming, Sir 5 I'll make it Shillings, Tom. 
 
 2d WAITER.
 
 <Ile MALE-COQUETTE. 41 
 
 2d WAITER. 
 
 No, Harry, you've the beft on't. [Bell rings.'] 
 Coming, Sir. I'll take Five Shillings to Two. [Bell 
 
 rings'] Coming, Sir. 
 
 ift WAITER. 
 
 Coming, Sir. No, Five to Three. 
 2d WAITER; 
 
 Shillings ? Coming, Sir. 
 
 ift WAITER; 
 
 No Sixpences 
 
 2d WAITER. 
 
 Done Sixpences. [Bell rings.] Here, Sir. 
 
 ift WAITER. 
 And done. [Bell rings.] Coming, Sir. [Exeunt. 
 
 JLnter ARABELLA, Mrs. DAMPLY, Lady FAN. 
 PEWIT, Mrs. DOT'TEREL, TUKELY in Womens 
 Cloaks, andSopuiA in Mens. 
 Ladies ALL. 
 Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 What a Figure ! And what a Scheme. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Dear Ladies, be as merry with my Figure as you 
 
 pleafe Yet you fhall fee, this Figure, awkward 
 
 as it is, Ihall be preferred in its Turn, as well as you 
 have been. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Why will you give yourfelf this unneceflary 
 Trouble, Mr. Tukely, to convince thefe Ladies, . who 
 had rather ftill be deluded, and will hate your 
 Friendfhip for breaking the Charm. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 My dear Coufin, tho* you are fatisfied, thefe La- 
 dies are not ; and if they have their particular Rea- 
 fons for their Infidelity ; pray, let 'em enjoy it, 'till 
 they have other Proofs than your Prejudices. 
 
 SOPHIA."
 
 42 <fbc MALE-COQUETTE. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 Ay, Bel^ we have all our Prejudices. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 What fignifies reafoning, when we are going up- 
 on the Experiment ? Difpofe of yourfelves behind 
 thofe Trees, and I will repair to the Place of Ap- 
 pointment, and draw him hither ; but you promife 
 to contain yourfelves, let what will happen. Hear, 
 
 and fee , but be filent. [Exit TUKELY. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 A fevere Injunction, indeed, Ladies But I muft 
 to my Poft. [Exit. SOP. 
 
 Widow DAMPLY. 
 If he's a Villain, I can never hold ! 
 
 Lady PEWIT. 
 I fhall tear his Eyes out. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 For my Part, if I was unmarried, I fhould not 
 think him worth my Anger. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 But as you are, Madam . 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 I underftand your Infinuations, Mifs Bell ; but my 
 Character and Conduct need no Juftification. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 I beg Pardon, Madam ; I intended no Offence. 
 But hafte to your Pofts, Ladies ; the Enemy's at 
 Hand. [They retire behind the Trees. 
 
 Enter TUKELY and DAFFODIL. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 In a Woman's Voice.'] For Heaven's Sake, let us 
 be cautious 1 am fure I heard a Noife.
 
 ffbe MALE-COQUETTE. 43 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 'Twas nothing but your Fear, my Angel ! 
 
 don't be alarm'd There can be no Danger, 
 
 while we have Love and Darknefs to befriend us. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Blefs me, how my Heart beats ! 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Poor Soul ! what a Fright it is in ! You muft 
 
 not give Way to thefe Alarms Were you as 
 
 well convinc'd of my Honour, as I arn of your 
 Charms, you wou'd have nothing to fear 
 
 [Squeezes her Band. 
 ARABELLA. 
 Upon my Word ! [Afide. 
 
 Widow DAMPLY. 
 
 So, fo, fo. [dfide. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Hold, Sir, you muft take no Liberties But, 
 
 if you have the leaft Feeling for an unhappy Wo- 
 man, urg'd by her Pafllon to this imprudent Step, 
 affift me forgive me let me go. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Can you doubt my Honour ? Can you doubt my 
 Love ? What Aflurances can I give you to abate 
 your Fears ? 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Very {lender Ones, I can allure her. \_4fide. 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I deferve to fuffer all I feel For what, but 
 
 the moft blinded Paflion, cou'd induce me to declare 
 myfelf to one, whofe Amours and Infidelities are 
 the common Topic of Converfation. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Flattering Creature ! \_dftde.~] May I never 
 
 know your dear Name, fee your charming F.ice, 
 touch your foft Hand, or hear your fweet Voice, 
 if I am not more fincere in my Affection for this 
 little Finger, than for aJl the Sex befides. 
 
 \Tbe Ladies feem aftonifi'd. 
 TUKELY.
 
 44 Me MALE-COQJLJETTE. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Except the Widow Damply . 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 She ! Do you know her, Madam ; 
 
 TUKELY. 
 I have not that Honour 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 I thought fo Did you nex-er fee her, Madam, nod- 
 ling and gogling in her Old-faftiion'd heavy Chariot, 
 drawn by a pair of lean hackney Horfes, with a fat 
 Blackamoor Footman behind, in a fcanty Livery, 
 Red greafy Stockings, and a dirty Turban ? 
 
 [The Widow feems diforder'd. 
 TUKELY. 
 
 All which may be only a Foil to her Beauty. 
 
 [Sighs. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Beauty! Don't figh, Madam; (he is pad Forty, 
 wears a Wig, and has loft two of her fore Teeth, 
 
 And then, (he has fo long a Beard upon her 
 
 upper Lip, and takes fo much Spanijh Snuff, that 
 ihe looks, for all the World, like the Great Mogul 
 in Petticoats -, ha, ha, 
 
 Widow DAMPLY. 
 What Falfhood and Ingratitude! 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Cou'd I defcend to the Slander 
 there is a married Lady 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Poor Mrs. Dotterel, you mean 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Why am I to be mentioned ! I have nothing 
 
 to do 
 
 Widow DAMPLY. 
 
 Nay, nay ; you muft have your Share of the Pa- 
 negyrick. 
 
 TUKELY.
 
 <fl>e MALE-COQJJETTE. 45 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 She is young, and has Wit. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 She's an Ideot, Madam , and as Fools are gene- 
 rally loving, fhe has forgot all her Obligations to 
 old Mr. Dotterel^ who married her without a Petti- 
 coat ; and now feizes upon every young Fellow Hie 
 can lay her Hands upon ; fhe has fpoird me three 
 Suits of Cloaths, with tearing the Flaps and Sleeves. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 Monfter of Iniquity ! 
 
 DAJFODIL. 
 
 She has even ftorm'd me in my own Houfe ; but 
 with all my Faults* Madam, you'll never find me 
 over-fond of Age, or Ignorance. 
 
 Widow DAMPLY. 
 
 cou'd tear him to Pieces. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 I will tear him to Pieces. 
 
 ARABELLA; 
 
 Be quiet- and we'll all tear him to Pieces. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 He has fwallow'd the Hook, and can't efcapp; 
 
 [jfidc. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 What do you fay, Madam, ? 
 TUKELY. 
 I am only fighing, Sir. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Fond Creature ! \_4ftde.'] I know there are a thou- 
 fand Stories about "me : You have heard too of 
 Lady Fanny Pewit, I fuppofe ? Don't be alarm'd. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I can't help it, Sir! She is a fine Wcman, and 
 a Woman of Quality. DAF-
 
 46 rbc MALE-COQJLJETTE. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 A fine Woman, perhaps, for a Woman of Qua- 
 lity but fhe is an abfolute old Maid, Madam, al- 
 moft as thick as fhe is long middle-aged, homely 
 and wanton ! That's her Character. 
 
 Lady PEWIT. 
 Then there is no Sincerity in Man. [Going. 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 Pofitively, you fhan't ftif. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Upon my Soul, I pity the poor Creature ! 
 
 She is now upon her laft Legs. If fhe does not 
 
 run away with fome foolifh Gentleman this Win- 
 ter She'll return into the Country, and marry 
 
 her Footman. Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Lady PEWIT. 
 
 My Footman mall break his Bones, I can tell 
 him that. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Hum, Madam ! I proteft, I thought I heard a 
 Voice I wonder they don't come. [Afide, 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 'Twas only I, Mr. Daffodil I was murmuring to 
 you. [Sighs. 
 
 DAFFODIL; 
 
 Pretty Murmurer ! Egad, if they don't 
 
 come foon, the Lady will grow fond. [AJide. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 But among your Conquefts,* Mr. "Daffodil* you 
 forget Mifs Sophy Sprightly. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 And her Coufin Arabella* I was coming to 
 
 'em -, poor, filly, good-natur'd, loving Fools ; 
 I made my Addrefles to one thro* Pique, and the 
 
 ether for Pity That was all. 
 
 TUKELY.
 
 The MALE-COQJJETTE. 47 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 O, that I could believe you. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Don't be uneafy, I'll tell you how it was, Ma- 
 dam You muft know, there is a filly, fclf-fufficicnt 
 Fellow, one "Tukely - - 
 
 TUKELY. 
 So, (b, [4/ide.~\ I know him a little. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 I am forry for it - The lefs you know of him 
 the better ; the Fellow pretended to look fierce at 
 me, for which I refolv'd to have his Miftrefs : So 
 I threw in my Line, and without much Trouble, 
 hook'd her. Her poor Coufm too, nibbled at the 
 Bait, and was caught. - So I have had my Re- 
 venge upon Tukely, and now I mall willingly refign 
 poor Sophy, and throw him in her Coufin, for a Make- 
 Weight. - Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Lady PEWIT. 
 
 This is fome Comfort at leaft. 
 ARABELLA. 
 Your Ladymip is better than you was. 
 
 [Noife without. 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I vow I hear a Noife. -- What fhall we do? It 
 comes this Way. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 They can't fee us, my Dear. I wifh my Friends 
 would come. [/$&.] Don't whifper or breath. 
 
 Enter SOPHIA, inaSurtcut, andjlouch'd Hat. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 If I cou'd but catch her at her Pranks - fhe 
 certainly muft be this Way - for the Chair is 
 
 waiting
 
 48 The M A L E-C O QJJ T T E E. 
 
 waiting at the End of Rofamond's Pond I have 
 
 thrown one of her Chairmen into it and if I 
 
 cou'd but catch her- 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 O, Sir ! My Pafiion has undone me 1 am dif- 
 
 cover'd , it is my Husband, Sir George, and he is 
 
 looking for me 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 The Devil it is ! Why then, Madam, the bed 
 
 Way will be for you to go to him and let me 
 
 fneak off the other Way. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 Go to him, Sir ! What can I fay to him ? 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Any Thing, Madam fay you had the Vapours, 
 and wanted Air. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 Lord, Sir ! he is the mod paffionate of Mor- 
 tals ; and I am afraid is in Liquor too and then he 
 is mad. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 If I cou'd but catch her [Looking about. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 For your Sake, Madam, I'll make the beft of my 
 
 Way Home [Going. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 What ! wou'd you leave me to the Fury of an 
 enrag'd Husband ! Is that your Affection. 
 
 [Holds bim. 
 SOPHIA. 
 If I cou'd but catch her Ha ! what's that ? I faw 
 
 fomething move in the Dark the Point of my 
 
 Sword mall tickle it out, whatever it is. 
 
 ) and gees towards 'em. 
 
 TUKELY.
 
 The MALE-COQUETTE. 49 
 
 TuKELY. 
 
 For Heaven's Sake draw, and fight him, while I 
 make my Efcape. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Fight him ! 'twou'd be cowardly to fight in 
 
 the Dark, and with a drunken Man I'll call the 
 
 Sentery. 
 
 TUKELY. 
 
 And expofe us to the World ? 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 I wou'd toHeav'n wewere[V#&feJ [He comes for. 
 ward.] Let me go, Madam you pinch me to the Bone^ 
 
 TUKELY. 
 He won't know us 1 have my Malque on. 
 
 LADIES. 
 Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 What, is the Devil and his Imps playing at Blind- 
 man's Buff? Ay, ay, here he is, indeed Satan 
 
 himfelf, drefs'd like a fine Gentleman Come, Mr. 
 
 Devil, out with your Pitch-fork, and let us take a 
 Thruft or two. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 You miflake me> Sir, I am not the Perfon 
 
 indeed, I am not 1 know nothing of your Wife, 
 
 Sir George and if you know how little I care for 
 the whole Sex, you wou'd not be fo furious with an 
 innocent Man. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 Who are you then ? And what are you doing 
 
 with that Blackamoor Lady there dancing a Sa- 
 raband with a Pair of Caftanets ? Speak, Sir ! 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Pray forbear, Sir ; here's Company coming that 
 
 fatisfie you in every Thing Hallo, hallo 
 
 E Here
 
 50 The MALE-COQJLJETTE. 
 
 Here, here, here* [Halloas faintly} my Lord, my 
 my Lord Sf inner, Dizzy Hallo ! 
 
 Enter Lord RACKET, Sir TAN-TIVY, SPINNER, 
 and DIZZY, with Torches. 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 What's the Matter here ? Who calls for Help ? 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 [Running to *em with his Sword drawn] O, my 
 Friends, I ruve been wifhing for you this half Hour. 
 
 I have been fet upon by a dozen Fellows They 
 
 have all made their Efcape, but this My Arm is 
 
 quite dead i have been at Cart and Tierce with 
 
 'cm all, for near a Quarter of an Hour. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 
 In Buckram, my Lord! He was got with my 
 Property here, and I wou'd have chaftis'd him for 
 it, if your Coming had not prevented it. 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Let us throw the Rafcal into Rofumond's Pond, 
 
 Lord RACKET. 
 Come Sir, can you fwim ? 
 
 {All going up. TUKELY fnatcles SOPHIA'.* 
 Sword) andjhe runs behind him, 
 TUKELY. 
 
 I'll defend you, my Dear What, wou'd you 
 
 murder a Man, and lie with his Wife too ? Oh ! 
 you are a wicked Gentleman, Mr. Daffodil. 
 
 [Attacks DAFF. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 Why, the Devil's in the Woman, I think. 
 
 [All the Ladies advance from behind. 
 
 LADIES. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha! your humble Servant, Mr. Daffodil-^ 
 Ha, ha, ha. [Courtjying. 
 
 DAF-
 
 tte MALE-COQUETTE. 51 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 This is all Enchantment ! 
 
 Lady PEWIT. 
 
 No, Sir, the Enchantment is broke and the 
 
 old Maid, Sir, homely and wanton, before fhe 
 retires into the Country, has the Satisfaction of 
 knowing that the agreeable Mr. Daffodil is a much 
 more contemptible Mortal, than the Footman which 
 his Goodnefs has been pleas'd to marry her to. 
 
 LADIES. 
 Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Widow DAMPLY. 
 
 Wou'd Mr. Daffodil pleafe to have a Pinch of 
 Spanijh Snuff, out of the Great Mogul's Box ? 'Tis 
 the bed Thing in the World for low Spirits. 
 
 [Offers her Box. 
 LADIES. 
 Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Mrs. DOTTEREL. 
 
 If a Fool may not be permitted to fpeak, Mr. 
 Daffodil^ let her at lead be permitted to laugh, at fo 
 fine a Gentleman Ha, ha, ha. 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Were you as fenfible of Shame, as you are of Fear, 
 the Sight of me, whom you lov'd for Pity, wou'd 
 be Revenge fufficient But I can forgive your Bafe- 
 nefs to me, much eafier than I can myfelf, for my 
 Behaviour to this happy Couple. 
 DAFFODIL. 
 Who the Devil are they ? 
 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 The Marquifs and Marchionefs of Macaroni } Ls- 
 dies Ha ha. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 Ha! Mio Carrifllmo Amico, il Signior Daffodil'o! 
 
 DAFFODIL. 
 
 How! Tukely and Sophia! If I don't wake foon, 
 I foall wifli never to wake again. 
 
 SOPHIA. 
 Who bids faireft now for RofamontTs Pond ?
 
 Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 MERCURY v - 
 CHARON - - 
 
 Lord CHALKSTONE - 
 A FINE GENTLEMAN 
 DRUNKEN MAN 
 FRENCHMAN i 
 OLD MAN, J 
 Mr. TATOO 
 POET 1 
 TAYLOR * 
 
 Mr. Branjly. 
 
 - Mr. Beard. 
 
 . Mr. W. Vaughan. 
 
 - Mr. Garrick. 
 
 - Mr. Woodward. 
 Mr. rates. 
 
 _ Mr. Blakes. 
 
 Mr. Marr. 
 
 r Omitted in the 
 t Representation. 
 
 Mrs. RIOT 
 Mrs. TATOO .- 
 
 Mrs. 
 
 Mifs Minors. 

 
 W^#***&^^TX**^^ 
 
 LETHE. 
 
 S C E N Ej a Grove, 
 
 With a View of the River LETHE. 
 
 CHARON and JSOP dif covered* 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Phiiofopher, what 
 grand Affair is tranfading upon 
 Earth? There is fomething of im- 
 portance going forward I am fure ; 
 for Mercury flew over the Styx 
 this Morning, without paying me the ufual 
 Compliments. 
 
 JEfip. I'll tell thce, Charon ; this is the 
 Anniverfary of the Rape of Proferpine ; on 
 which Day for the future, Pluto has permitted 
 her to demand from him fomething for the 
 Benefit of Mankind. 
 
 B Char.
 
 2 LETHE. 
 
 Char. 1 underftand you ; his Majefly's 
 
 Paflion, by a long Pofleffion of the Lady, 
 is abated ; and fo, like a mere Mortal, .he 
 muft now flatter her Vanity, and facrifice his 
 
 Power, to atone for Deficiences But what 
 
 has our Royal Miflrefc prdpoied in Behalf of 
 her favourite Mortals ? 
 
 JFJop. As Mankind, you know,- are ever 
 complaining of their Cares, and diflatisfied 
 with their Conditions, the generous Projer- 
 pine has begg'd of Pluto, that they may have 
 free Accefs to the . Waters of Lethe y as a fo- 
 
 vereign Remedy for their Complaints 
 
 Nptice has been already given above, and 
 Proclamation made : Mercury is to conduct 
 them to the Styx, you are to ferry 'em over 
 to Rly/ium, and 1 am placed here to diftribute 
 the Waters. 
 
 Char. A very pretty Employment I mall 
 have of it, truly ! If her Majefty has often 
 thefe Whims, 1 muft petition the Court either 
 to build a Bridge over the River, or Jet me 
 refign my Employment. Do their Majefties 
 know the Difference of Weight between Souls 
 and Bodies ? However, I'll obey their Com- 
 mands to the bed of my Power ; Til row 
 my crazy Boat over, and meet 'em ; but many 
 of them will be relieved from their Cares 
 before they reach Lethe. 
 
 . How fo, Charon ? 
 
 Char.
 
 LETHE. 3 
 
 Char. Why, I mall leave Half of 'em in the 
 Styx i and any Water is a Specifick againft 
 Care, provided it be taken in Quantity. 
 
 Enter Mercury. 
 
 Mer. Away to your Boat, Charon ; there 
 are fome Mortals arriv'd ; and the Females 
 among 'em will be very clamorous, if you 
 make 'em wait. 
 
 Char. I'll make what Kafte I can, rather 
 than give thofe fair Creatures a Topick for 
 Converfation. 
 
 Kotfe within, Boat) Boat, Boat f 
 
 Coming coming Zounds, you are in a 
 
 plaguy Hurry, fure ! No Wonder thefe Mor- 
 tal Folks have io many Complaints, when 
 there's no Patience among 'em ; if they were 
 dead now, and to be fettled here for ever, they'd 
 be damn'd before they'd make fuch a Rout 
 to come over, but Care J fuppofe is thirfty, 
 and till .they have clrench'd themfelves with 
 .Lethe, there will be no Quiet among 'em ; 
 therefore, I'll e'en to work ; and fo, Friend 
 //0/>, ar\d Brother Mercury, good bye to ye. 
 
 [Exit Charon. 
 
 ALfop. Now to my Office of Judge and 
 Examiner, in which, to the heft of my Know- 
 ledge, I will act with Impartiality ; for I 
 will immediately relieve real Objects, and only 
 divert myfelf with Pretenders. 
 
 B 2 Mer.
 
 4 LETHE. 
 
 Mr. Ad as your Wifdom dire&s, and 
 conformable to your earthly Character, and 
 we fhall have few Murmurers. 
 
 flLfop* I flill retain my former Sentiments, 
 never to refufe Advice or Charity to thofe 
 that want either ; Flattery and Rudenefs fhould 
 be equally avoided ; Folly and Vice ihould 
 never be fpared ; and tho' by acting thus, 
 you may offend many, yet you will pleafe 
 the better Few ; and the Approbation of one 
 virtuous Mind, is more valuable than all the 
 noify Applaufe, and uncertain Favours of the 
 Great and Guilty. 
 
 Mer. Incomparable 3Lfop ! both Men and 
 Gods admire thee ! We muft now prepare to 
 receive thefe Mortals ; and left the Solemr 
 nity of the Place fhould ftrike 5 em with too 
 much Dread, I'll raife Mufick fhall djfpel their 
 Fears, and embolden them to approach. 
 
 SONG. 
 
 I. 
 
 Ye Mortals whom Fancies and Troubles perplex. 
 Whom Folly mifguides, and Infirmities vex ; 
 WhoJ'e Lives hardly know what it is to be blejl, 
 Who rife without- fay, and lie down without 
 
 Reft; 
 
 Obey the glad Summons, to Lethe repair, 
 Drink deep of the Stream* and forget > all 
 
 your Care. 
 
 II.
 
 L E THE. 5 
 
 II. 
 
 Old Maids Jhall forget 'what they ivffi for in 
 
 vain. 
 
 And young ones the Rover they cannot regain ; 
 
 The Rake ftjatt forget how loft Night he ivas 
 ' cloyed, 
 
 And Chloe again le 'with Pajfion enjoy d ; 
 
 Obey then the Summons ; to Lethe repair , 
 And drink an Oblivion to Trouble and Care. 
 
 III. 
 
 The Wife at one Draught may forget all her 
 
 Wants, 
 
 Or drench her fond Fool, to forget her Gallants \ 
 The troubled in Mind jhall go chearful away, 
 And Tefter day's Wretch be quite happy To day ; 
 Obey then the Summons, to Lethe repair, 
 f)rink deep } of the Stream, and forget all 
 your Care. 
 
 Mfof>. Mercury, Charon has brought over 
 one Mortal already, conduct him hither. 
 
 [Exit Mercury. 
 
 Now for a large Catalogue of Complaints, 
 without the Acknowledgment of one fmo;le 
 
 ,' c? ^5 
 
 Vice ; here he comes if one may guefs at 
 his Cares by his Appearance, he really wants 
 the Affittance of Lethe. 
 
 Enter
 
 6 LETHE. 
 
 Enter Poet. 
 
 Poet. Sir, your humble Servant your 
 
 humble Servant your Name is &fop I 
 
 know your Perfon intimately, tho* I never 
 faw you before ; and am well acquainted 
 with you, tho' I never had the Honour of 
 your Converfation. 
 
 SEJop. You are a Dealer in Paradoxes, 
 Friend. 
 
 Poet. I am a Dealer in all Parts of Speech, 
 
 and in all the Figures of Rhetoric I am a 
 
 Poet, Si/ and to be a Poet, and not ac- 
 quainted with the great &fop, is a greater 
 Paradox than I honour you extremely, Sir ; 
 you certainly, of all the Writers of Antiquity, 
 had the greateft, the f ublimeft Genius, the 
 
 &fop. Hold, Friend, I hate Flattery. 
 
 Poet. My own Tafte exactly, I aflure you ; 
 Sir, no Man loves Flattery lefs than myfelf. 
 
 JEjop. So it appears, Sir, by your being fo 
 ready to give it away. 
 
 Poet. You have hit it, Mr. f&j'op, you have 
 
 hit it I have given it away indeed, I did 
 
 not receive one Farthing for my lafl Dedica- 
 tion, and yet would you believe it ? -I abfo- 
 1-utely gave all the Virtues in Heav'n, to one 
 of the lowcft Reptiles upon Earth. 
 
 fofop. 'Tis hard, indeed, to do dirty Work 
 for Nothing. 
 
 Poet,
 
 LETHE. 7 
 
 Poet. Ay, Sir, to do dirty Work, and ftill 
 be dirty one's felf is the Stone of Syjiphtts, and 
 
 the Thirft of Tantalus You Greek Writers, 
 
 indeed, carried your Point by Truth and Sim- 
 plicity, they won't do now a-Days our 
 
 Patrons mud be tickled into Geaerofity you 
 gain'd the greateft Favours, by (hewing your 
 own Merits, we can only gain the fmalleft, 
 
 by publifhing thofe of other People. You 
 
 flourish J d by Truth, we ftarve by Fiction ; 
 Tempera mutantur. 
 
 J&fop. Indeed, Friend, if we may guefs 
 by your prefent Plight, you have proilituted 
 your Talents to very little Purpofe. 
 
 Poet. To very little, upon my Word but 
 they fhall find that I can open another Vein 
 
 Satire is the Fafhion, and Satire they fhall 
 
 have let 'em look to it, I can be fharp as 
 well as iweet I can fcourge as well as tickle, 
 I can bite as - 
 
 Mfop You can do any Thing, no Doubt ; 
 but to the Bufmefs of this Vifit, for I ex- 
 pect a great Deal of Company What are 
 your Troubles, Sir ? 
 
 Poet. Why, Mr. Mfop, I am troubled with 
 an odd Kind of Diibrder I have a Sort of 
 a Whittling a Singing a Whizzing as it 
 were in my Head, whjch I cannot get 
 rid of ' 
 
 flLfop. Our Waters give no Relief to bodily 
 Diforders, they only affect the Memory. 
 
 Poet.
 
 S LETHE. 
 
 Poet. From whence all my Diforder pro- 
 ceeds I'll tell you my Cafe, Sir 
 
 You muft know, I wrote a Play fome Time 
 ago, prefented a Dedication of it to a certain 
 young Nobleman He approv'd, and ac- 
 cepted of it, but before 1 could tafte his 
 Bounty, my Piece was unfortunately damn'd : 
 
 I loft my Benefit, nor could I have Re- 
 
 courfe to my I^atron, for I was told that his 
 Lordflup play'd the beft Catcall the firft 
 Night, and was the merrieft Perfon in the 
 whole Audience. 
 
 JEfop. Pray what do you call damning a 
 Play ?. 
 
 Poet- You cannot poflibly be ignorant, 
 what it is to be damn'd, Mr. JEJop ? 
 
 JEJop. Indeed I am, Sir We had no 
 
 fuch Thing among the Greeks. 
 
 Poet. No, Sir ! No Wonder then that 
 
 you Greeks were fuch fine Writers It is 
 
 impoflible to be defcribed, or truly felt, but 
 
 by the Author himfelf If you could but 
 
 get a Leave of Abfence from this World for 
 a few Hours, you might perhaps have an 
 
 Opportunity of feeing it yourfclf There is. 
 
 a Sort of a new Piece comes upon our Stage 
 this very Night, and I am pretty fure it will 
 meet with its Deferts, at leaft it (hall net 
 want my helping Hand, rather than you 
 ihould be disappointed of fatisfying your 
 Curiofity. 
 
 Mfop.
 
 LETHE. o 
 
 _ 
 
 . You are very obliging, Sir ; but to 
 your own Misfortunes, if you pleafe. 
 
 Poet. Envy, Malice, and Party deftroy'd 
 
 me You mmt know, Sir, I was a great 
 
 Damner myfelf, before I wa& damn'd So 
 the Frolicks of my Youth were peturn'd to me 
 with double Intereft, from my Brother Au- 
 thors But to fay the Truth, my Perform- 
 ance was terribly handled, before it appear J d 
 in publick. 
 
 JEfop. How fo, pray ? 
 
 Poet. Why, Sir, fome^ fqueamifh Friends 
 of mine prun'd it of all the Bawdy and Im- 
 morality, the Actors did not fpeak a Line of 
 the Senfe or Sentiment, and the Manager (who 
 writes himfelf ) ftruck out all the Wit and 
 Humour, in Order to lower my Performance 
 to a Level with his own. 
 
 /EJop. Now, Sir, I am acquainted with 
 your Cafe, what have you. to propofe ? 
 
 Poet. Notwithstanding the Succefs. of my 
 firft play, I am ftrongly perfuaded that my 
 next may defy the Severity of Criticks, the 
 Sneer of Wits, and the Malice of Authors. 
 
 &fop. What ! have you been hardy enough 
 to attempt another ? 
 
 Poet. I muft eat, Sir I muft live but 
 
 when I fit down to write, and am glowing 
 with the Heat of my Imagination, then this 
 
 damn'd Whittling or Whizzing in my 
 
 Head, that 1 told you of, fo diforders me, 
 
 that 1 grow giddy In fhort, Sir, I am 
 
 C haunted,
 
 io LETHE. 
 
 haunted, as it were, with the Ghoft of my 
 deceas'd Play, and its dying Groans are for 
 
 ever in my Ears Now, Sir, if you will 
 
 give me but a Draught of Lethe, to forget 
 this unfortunate Performance, it will be of 
 more real Service to me, than all the Waters 
 of Helicon. 
 
 JEJop. 1 doubt, Friend, you cannot pof- 
 fibly write better, by merely forgetting that 
 you have written before ; befides, if, when 
 you drink to the Forgettulnefs of your own 
 Works, you ftiould unluckily forget thofe of 
 other People too, your next Piece will cer- 
 tainly be the worie for it. 
 
 Poet. You are certainly in the Right 
 
 What then would you advife me to ? 
 
 JEjop. Suppofe you could prevail upon the 
 Audience to drink the Water ; their forgetting 
 your former Work, might be of no fmall Ad- 
 vantage to your future Productions, 
 
 Poet* Ah, Sir ! if J could but do that 
 but I am afraid Lethe will never go down 
 with the Audience. 
 
 J^fop- Well, iince you are bent upon it, I 
 
 {hall indulge you Jf you pleafe to walk 
 
 in that Grove, (which will afford you many 
 Subjects for your poetical Contemplation) till 
 J have examined the reft, 1 will difmifs you 
 in your Turn. 
 
 Poet. And I in Return, Sir, will let the 
 World know, in a Preface to my next Piece, 
 that your Politenefs is equal to your Sagacity, 
 
 and
 
 LETHE. ii 
 
 and that yon are as much the fine Gentleman 
 as the Philofopher. [Exif Poet. 
 
 JEfop. Oh ! your Servant, Sir In the 
 
 Name of Mifery and Mortality, what have 
 we here ! 
 
 Enter an Old Man, fuf ported by a Servant. 
 
 Old Man. Oh ! la ! oh ! blefs me, I (hall 
 
 never recover the Fatigue Ha ! what are_ 
 
 you, Friend ? are you the famous flLfop ? 
 And are you fo kind, fo very good, to give 
 People the Waters of Forgetfulnefs for No- 
 thing ? 
 
 &fop. I am that Perfon, Sir ; but you 
 feem to have no Need of my Waters ; for 
 you muft have already out-liv'd your Me- 
 mory. 
 
 Old Man. My Memory is indeed impaired, 
 it is not fo good as it was ; but ftill it is bet- 
 ter than 1 wifh it, at leaft in Regard to one 
 Circumftance ; there is one Thing which 
 'fits very heavy at my Heart, and which 1 
 would willingly forget. 
 
 &fop. What is it, pray ? 
 
 Old Man. Oh la I . oh ! I am horri- 
 bly fatigued 1 am an old Man, Sir, turn'd 
 
 of Ninety We are all mortal, you know, 
 
 fo I would fain forget, if you pleaie that 
 
 I am to die. 
 
 &fop- My good Frie id, you have miftaken 
 the Virtue of the Waters: They can caufe 
 
 C 2 you
 
 )2 LETHE. 
 
 you to forget only what is paft ; but if this 
 was in their Power, you would iiirely be 
 your own Enemy, in defiring to forget what 
 ought to be the only Comfort of one, fo poor 
 and wretched as you feern. What ! I fuppofe 
 now, you have left fome dear loving Wife 
 behind, that you can't bear to think of part- 
 ing with. 
 
 Old Man. No, no, no ; I have buried my 
 Wife and forgot her long ago. 
 
 JEfop. What you have Children then, 
 whom you are unwilling to leave behind 
 you ! 
 
 Old Man. No, no, no ; I have no Children 
 
 at prefent hugh I don't know what I 
 
 may have. 
 
 SEJ'op. Is there any Relation or Friend, the 
 Lofs of whom 
 
 Old Man. No, no ; I have out-lived all my 
 
 Relations ; and as for Friends 1 have none 
 
 to lofe 
 
 M/op. What can be the Reafori then, that 
 in all this apparent Mifery you are fo afraid 
 of Death, which would be your only Cure. 
 
 Old Man. Oh, Lord ! I have one 
 
 Friend, and a true Friend indeed, the only 
 Friend in whom a wife Man places any Con- 
 fidence I have Get a little far- 
 ther off, John [Servanf retires.] 
 
 I have, to fay the Truth, a little Money 
 
 it is that indeed, which caufes all my Un- 
 cafinefs. 
 
 Mftp.
 
 LETHE. 13 
 
 Mfop. Thou never fpok'ft a truer Word 
 
 in thy Life, old Gentleman [Afide.~] 
 
 But I can cure you of your Uneafmefs im- 
 mediately. 
 
 Old Man. Shall I forget then that I am to 
 die, and leave my Money behind me ? 
 
 /Efop. No but you mail forget that you 
 
 have it which will do altogether as well - 
 One large Draught of Lethe, to the Forget- 
 fulnefs of your Money, will reftore you to 
 perfect Eafe of Mind ; and as for your bodily 
 Pains, no Water can relieve them. 
 
 Old Man. What does he fay, John eh ? 
 I am hard of Hearing. 
 
 John. He advifes your Worfhip to drink to 
 forget your Money. 
 
 Old Man. What ! what ! will his 
 
 Drink get me Money, does he fay ? 
 
 Mfop No, Sir, the Waters are of a whol- 
 fomer Nature -^-for they'll teach you to forget 
 your Money. 
 
 Old Man. Will they fo ? Come, come, 
 
 John, we are got to the wrong Place 
 
 The poor old Fool here does not know what 
 he fays Let us go back again, Jthn I'll 
 drink none of your Waters : Not I For- 
 get my Money ! Come along, John. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 &fop- Was there ever fuch a Wretch ! If 
 thefe are the Cares of Mortals, the Waters of 
 Oblivion cannot cure them. 
 
 Re-enter
 
 H L . T H E. 
 
 Re-enter Old Man and Servant. 
 
 Old Mdn. Lookec, Sir, I am come a great 
 Way, and am loth to refufe Favours that 
 coft Nothing fo I don't care if I drink a little 
 
 of your Waters Let me fee ay I'll 
 
 drink to forget how I got my Money 
 
 And my Servant there, he mall drink a little, 
 to forget that I have any Money at all and, 
 d'ye hear, John take a hearty Draught. Jf 
 my Money muft be forgot, why e'en let him 
 forget it. 
 
 &fop. Well, Friend, it mail be as you 
 would have it You'll find a Seat in that 
 Grove yonder, where you may reft yourielf 
 till the Waters are diftributed. 
 
 Old Man. I hope it won't be long, Sir, for 
 Thieves are bufy now and I have an Iron 
 Cheft in the other World, that 1 fhould be 
 
 forry any one peep'd into but myfelf 
 
 So 'pray be quick, Sir. [Exeunt. 
 
 JEfop. Patience, Patience, old Gentleman. 
 
 But here comes fomething tripping this 
 
 Way, that feems to be neither Man nor Wo- 
 man, and yet an odd Mixture of both. 
 
 Enter a Fine Gentleman. 
 
 Fine Gent. Harkec, old Friend, do you 
 ftand Drawer here ?
 
 LETHE. 15 
 
 Mfop. Drawer, young Fop ! Do you know 
 where you are, and who you talk to ? 
 
 Fine Gent. Not I, dem me ! But 'tis a 
 Rule with me, wherever I am, or whofoever 
 I am with, to be always eafy and familiar. 
 
 sE/op. Then let me advife you, young 
 Gentleman, to drink the Waters, and forget 
 that Eafe and Familiarity. 
 
 Fine Gent. Why fo, Daddy ? would you 
 not have me well bred ? 
 
 &fep. Yes ; but you may not always meet 
 with People fo polite as yourfelf, or fo paf- 
 five as I am ; and if what you call Breeding, 
 ihould be conftru'd Impertinence, you may 
 have a Return of Familiarity, may make 
 you repent your Education as long as you 
 live. 
 
 Fine Gent. Well faid, old Dry-beard; egad 
 you have a Smattering of an odd Kind of a 
 Sort of a Humour ; but come, come, prithee 
 give me a Glafs of your Waters, and keep 
 your Advice to yourfelf. 
 
 ffijop. I muft firft be informed, Sir, for 
 what Purpofe you drink 'em. 
 
 Fine Gent. You muft know, Philofopher, 
 
 I want to forget two Qualities My Mo- 
 
 dejly and my Good-nature. 
 
 JEjop. Your Modefty and Good-nature ! 
 
 Fine Gent. Yes, Sir I have fuch a con- 
 fummate Modefty, that when a fine Woman 
 (which is often the Cafe) yields to my Ad- 
 dreifes, egad J run away from her ; and I am 
 
 fo
 
 16 LETHE. 
 
 fo very good natured, that when a Man af- 
 fronts me, egad I run away too. 
 
 Mfoj>. As for your Modefty, Sir, I am 
 afraid you are come to the wrong Waters ; 
 and if you would take a large Cup to the For- 
 getfulnefs of your Fears, your Good-nature, I 
 believe, will trouble you no more. 
 
 Fine Gent. And this is your Advice, my 
 Dear, eh ? 
 
 Mfop. My Advice, Sir, would go a great 
 Deal farther I mould advife you to drink to 
 the Forgetfulnefs of every Thing you know. 
 
 Fine Gent. The Devil you would ; then I 
 fhould have travelled to a fine Purpofe, 
 truly; you don't imagine, perhaps, that I 
 have been three Years abroad, and have made 
 the Tour of Europe ? 
 
 Mfop. Yes, Sir, I guefs'd you had travelled 
 by your Drefs and Converfation : But pray, 
 (with Submiffion) what valuable Improve- 
 ments have you made in thefe Travels ? 
 
 Fine Gent. Sir, I learnt Drinking in Ger- 
 many^ Mufickand Painting in Italy, Dancing, 
 Gaming, and fome other Amufements, at 
 Paris ; and in Holland Faith Nothing at ail ; 
 I brought over with me the beft Collection 
 of Venetian Ballads, two Eunuchs, a French 
 Dancer, and a Monkey, with Tooth-picks, 
 Pictures and Burlettas In fhort, I havefkim'd 
 the Cream of every Nation, and have the 
 Confolation to declare, I never was in any 
 
 Country
 
 LETHE. 17 
 
 Country in my Life, but I had Tafle enough 
 thoroughly to defpife my own. 
 
 JEJop. Your Country is greatly obliged to 
 you, but if you are fettled in it now, how 
 can your Tafte and Delicacy endure it? 
 
 Fine Gent. Faith my exiftence is merely 
 fupported by Amiifements ; I drefs, vifit, 
 ftudy Tafte, and write Sonnets; by Birth, 
 Travel, Education, and natural Abilities, I 
 am entitled to lead the famion ; I am prin- 
 cipal Connoifleur at all Auctions, Chief Ar- 
 biter at Aflemblies, profefled Critic at the 
 
 Theatres, and a fine Gentleman every 
 
 where 
 
 JEfop. Critic, Sir, pray what's that r* 
 
 Fine Gent. The Delight of the Ingenious, 
 the Terror of Poets, the Scourge of Players, 
 and the Averfion of the Vulgar. 
 
 /E/op. Pray, Sir, (for I fancy your Life 
 muft be fomewhat particular) how do you 
 pafs your Time ; the Day, for inftance ? 
 
 Fine Gent. I lie in Bed all Day, Sir. 
 
 &fop. How do you fpend your Evenings 
 then ? 
 
 Fine Gent. I drefs in the Evening, and go 
 generally behind the Scenes of both Play- 
 houfes ; not, you may imagine, to be diverted 
 with the Play, but to intrigue, and fhew my- 
 
 felf I ftand upon the Stage, talk loud, 
 
 and flare about which confounds the Actors, 
 and difturbs the Audience ; upon which the 
 
 D Galleries,
 
 18 LETHE. 
 
 Galleries, who hate the appearance of one 
 of us, begin to ////}, and cry off\ off\ while I 
 
 undaunted {tamp my Foot fo loll with my 
 
 Shoulder thus take Si:uff with my Right- 
 hand, and fmile fcornfully thus This 
 
 exafperates the Savages, and they attack us 
 with Vollies of fuck'd Oranges, and half- 
 eaten Pippcns 
 
 JEJop. And you retire. 
 
 Fine Gent. Without Doubt, if I am fober 
 
 for Orange will ftain Silk, and an Apple 
 
 may disfigure a Feature. 
 
 MJbp. I am afraid, Sir, for all this, that you 
 are oblig'd to your own Imagination, for more 
 than three-fourths of your Importance. 
 
 Fine Gent. Damn the old Prig, I'll bully 
 
 him [Afide.] Lookee, old Philofopher, 
 
 I find you have pafs'd your Time fo long 
 in Gloom and Ignorance below here, that 
 our Notions above Stairs are too refined for 
 you; fo as we are not likely to agree, I mall 
 
 cut matters very fhort with you Bottle 
 
 me off the Waters I want, or you mall be 
 convinc'd that I have Courage, in the draw- 
 ing of a Cork; difpatch me inftantly, or 
 
 I mall make bold to throw you into the River, 
 
 and help myfelf What fay you to that 
 
 now ? eh ? 
 
 Mfop. Very civil and concife ! I have no 
 great Inclination to put your Manhood to 
 the Trial ; fo if you will be pleas'd to walk 
 in the Grove there, 'till I have examined 
 
 fome
 
 LETHE. 19 
 
 fome I fee coming, we'll compromifc the 
 Affair between us. 
 
 Fine Gevt. Your's, as you behave au Rf- 
 
 \Extt Fine Gent. 
 
 :ter Mr. Bowman (haftifyj - 
 
 Bow. Is your Name RLfop ? 
 JEfop. It is, Sir Your Commands with 
 ir.e : 
 
 Lord Chalkftine, to whom I have 
 Honour to be a Friend and Companion, 
 lent me before, to know if you are at 
 Lei fare to receive his Lordfhip. 
 
 p. i am placed here on Purpofe to 
 receive every Mortal that attends our Sum- 
 mons 
 
 My Lord is not of the common 
 Race or Mortals, I affure you; and you muft 
 look upon this Vint as a particular Honour, 
 for he is > much afflicted with the Gout and 
 Rheumatii'm, that we had much ado to get 
 him acrofs the River. 
 
 JEJf>p. HisLordftrip has certainly fome pref- 
 flng Occaiion for the Waters, that he en- 
 dures fuch Inconveniences to get at them. 
 
 Bow. No occafion at all His Legs in- 
 deed fail him a little, but his Heart is as found 
 as ever, Nothing can hurt his Spirits ; ill or 
 well, his Lordfhip is always the beft Company, 
 and the merrieft in his Family - 
 
 Dz Mfof.
 
 20 LETHE. 
 
 SEfop. I have very little Time for Mirth 
 and good Company ; but I'll Icflen the Fa- 
 tigue of his Journey, and meet him half 
 Way. 
 
 Bow. His Lordfhip is here already . 
 
 There's a Spirit ! Mr. /E/ /-. There's a great 
 Man! See how iuperior he is to his infir- 
 mities : Such a Soul ought to have a better 
 Body. 
 
 Enter Mercury with Lord Chalkftone. 
 
 Lord Ch. Not fo fail, Monfieur Mercury * 
 you are a little too nimble for me. Well, 
 Bowman* have you found the Philofopher ? 
 
 Bow. This is he, my Lord, and ready to 
 receive your Commands. 
 
 Lord Ch. Ha! ha! ha! There he is, pro - 
 fecto ! toujours h meme ! [Looking at him 
 through a G/rf/r] I fhould have known him 
 at a Mile's Diftance a moft noble Perfonage 
 indeed ! and truly Greek from Top to Toe. 
 
 Moft venerable Mfop* I am in this 
 
 World and the other, above and below, yours 
 mofl fincerely. 
 
 &fop I am yours, my Lord, as fincerely, 
 and I wifli it was in my Power to relieve 
 your Misfortune. 
 
 Lord Ch. Misfortune ! what Misfortune ? 
 I am neitbcr a Porter nor a Chairman, Mr. 
 
 JFJbp My Legs can bear my Body to my 
 
 Friends
 
 LETHE. 21 
 
 Friends and ray Bottle : I want no more with 
 them ; the Gout is welcome to the reft eh 
 Bowman ? 
 
 Bow. Your Lordfhip is in fine Spirits ! 
 
 jKLjop* Does not your Lordihip go through 
 a great Deal of Pain ? 
 
 L r <rd Cli Pain ? ay, and Pleafure too, eh Bow- 
 man / When I'm in Pain, 1 curfe and fwear 
 it away again, and the Moment it is gone, I 
 lofe no Time ; I drink the fame Wines, eat 
 the fame Dimes, keep the lame Hours, the 
 fame Company ; and, notwithstanding the 
 Gravity of my wife Doctors, I would not ab- 
 ftain from French Wines and French Cookery, 
 to fave the Souls and Bodies of the whole 
 College of Fhyficians 
 
 Mjop. My Lord has fine Spirits indeed ! 
 
 [To Bowman. 
 
 LordCh. You don't imagine, Philofopher, 
 that I have hobbled here with a Bundle of 
 Complaints at my Back. My Legs, indeed, 
 are iomething the worfe for Wear, but your 
 Waters, I fuppofe, cannot change or make s em 
 better ; for if they could, you certainly would 
 have try'd the Virtues of 5 em upon your 
 pwn eh Bowman / ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Bow. Bravo ; my Lord, Bravo ! 
 
 J&jop- My Imperfections are from Head 
 to Foot, as well as your Lordmip's. 
 
 LordCh. I beg your Pardon there, Sir; 
 though my Body's impair 'd my Head is as 
 
 good
 
 22 LETHE. 
 
 p~d as ever it was; and as a Proof of this, 
 i i .iv you a hundred Guineas 
 
 JEjbp. Does your Lor Jlliip propofe a Wager 
 as a Proof of the Goodnefs of your Head ? 
 
 Lord Ch. And why not? Wagers are 
 
 now-a-days the only Proofs and Arguments 
 that are made Ufe of by People of Famion : 
 All Difputes a')out Politics, Operas, Tiade, 
 Gaming, Horfe-racing, or Religion, are de- 
 termined now hy Six to Four, and Two to 
 One ; and Perfons of Quality are by this 
 Method moft agreeably releasM from the 
 Hardfhip of Thinking or Reaibning upon any 
 Subject. 
 
 M/bf. Very convenient truly ! 
 
 Lord Ch. Convenient! aye, and moral too. 
 
 This Invention of Betting, unknown to 
 
 you Greeks, among many other Virtues, pre- 
 vents Bloodfhed, and preferves Family Affec- 
 tions 
 
 Mfop. prevents Bloodmed ! 
 
 LordCh. I'll tell ye how When Gentlemen 
 
 quarrelled heretofore, what did they do ? 
 
 they drew their Swords I have been run 
 
 through the Body myfelf, but no Matter for 
 
 that what do they do now ? They draw 
 
 their Purfcs before the Lie can be given, a 
 Wager is laid; and fo, inftead of relenting, 
 we pocket our Affronts. 
 
 Mfop. Moft cafuiftically argued, indeed, 
 my Lord ; but how can it prcferve Family 
 Affections ? 
 
 
 
 Lord
 
 LETHE. 23 
 
 LordCh. I'll tell you that too An old 
 
 Woman, you'll allow, Mr. JEJbp^ at all Times 
 
 to be but a bad Thing What fay you, 
 
 Bowman ? 
 
 Bcw. A very bad Thing indeed, my Lord. 
 Lerd Ch. Ergo, an old Woman with a 
 good Conftitution, and a damn'd large Join- 
 ture upon your Eftate, is the Devil My 
 
 Mother was the very Thing and yet from 
 the Moment I pitted her, I never once wilh'd 
 her dead, but was really uneafy when {he 
 tumbled down Stairs, and did not fpeak a 
 fingle Word for a whole Fortnight. 
 - &fop. Affectionate indeed ! but what does 
 your Lordfhip mean by pitted her r 
 
 LordCh. 'Tis a Term of curs upon thefe 
 Occafions I back'd her Life againft two old 
 Countefies, an \_int of Sir Harry Rattk's that 
 was troubled with an Afthma, my fat Land- 
 lady at Salt-hill, and the Mad-Woman at 
 Tunbridgfy at Five Hundred each per Annum: 
 She out-liv'd 'em all but the laft, by which 
 Means I hedg'd off a damn'd Jointure, made 
 her Life an Advantage to me, and fo conti- 
 nued my filial Affections to her laft Mo- 
 ments. 
 
 Mfbp. I am fullv fatisfied and in Return 
 
 j i 
 
 your Lordlhip may command me. 
 
 Lord Ch. None of your Waters for me ; 
 damn 'em all ; I never drink any but at 
 
 Bath I came merely for a little Conver- 
 
 fation with you, and to fee your Elyjian Fields 
 
 here
 
 24 LETHE. 
 
 here [Looking about through his G/afs] which 
 by the bye, Mr. &fop-> are laid out moft de- 
 teftably No Taftc, no Fancy in the whole 
 
 World ! Your River there what d'ye 
 
 call 
 
 Mfop. &>'* 
 
 Lord C/i. Ay, Styx why 'tis as ftrait as 
 
 Fleet-ditch You fhould have given it a 
 
 Serpentine Sweep, and Hope the Banks of it 
 The Place, indeed, has very fine Capabilities ; 
 but you fhould clear the Wood to the Left, 
 and clump the Trees upon the Right : In 
 fhort the Whole wants Variety, Extent, Con- 
 traft, and Inequality [Going towards the Or- 
 chejira-t flops fuddenly, and lo >ks into the Pit\ 
 Upon my Word, here's a very fine Hah-hah ! 
 and a moil curious Collection of Evcr-Greens 
 and Flow'ring-Shrubs 
 
 Mfop. We let Nature take her Courfe ; 
 our chief Entertainment is Contemplation, 
 which I fuppofe is not allowed to interrupt 
 your Lordfliip's Pleafures. 
 
 Lord Ch. I beg your Pardon there - No 
 Man has ever ftudied or drank harder than I 
 have except my Chaplain; and i'll match 
 my Library and Cellar againft any Noble- 
 man's in Chriftendom {han't I, Bottfteart, eh ? 
 
 Boiv. That you may indeed, my Lord ; 
 and I'll go yourLordmip's Halves, ha, ha, ha. 
 
 &fop. If your Lordfhip would apply more 
 to the firft, and drink our Waters to forget 
 
 thelaft 
 
 i Lord
 
 LETHE. 25 
 
 Lord Ch. What, relinquifh my Bottle! 
 What the Devil fhall I do to kill Time then ? 
 
 /E/bp. Has your Lordmip no Wife or 
 Children to .entertain you ? 
 
 LordCh, Children ! not I, Faith My Wife 
 
 has, for ought 1 know I have not feen 
 
 her thefe Seven Years 
 
 Mfop. You furprize me ! 
 
 Lord Ch. 'Tis the Way of the World, for 
 
 all that I married for a Fortune ; fhe for 
 
 a Title. When we both had got what we 
 
 wanted, the fooner we parted the better 
 
 We did fo; and are now waiting for the 
 happy Moment, that will give to one of us 
 the Liberty of playing the fame Farce over 
 again Eh Bowman ! 
 
 Bow. Good, good ; you have puzzled the 
 Philofopner. 
 
 * j^mj -n-a. ' 
 
 Mfop. The Greeks efteem'd matrimonial 
 Happinefs their Sunrmum Bonum. 
 
 Lord Ch, More Fools they ! 'tis not the 
 
 only Thing they were miftaken in My 
 
 Brother Dick^ indeed, married for Love ; and 
 he and his Wife have been fattening thcfe five 
 and twenty Years, upon their Summum Bonum y 
 
 as you call it They have had a Dozen 
 
 and half of Children, and may have half a 
 Dozen more, if an Apoplexy don't ftep in, 
 
 and interrupt their Sitmmum Bonum Eh 
 
 Bowman ? ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Bow. Your Loramfp never faid a better 
 
 TM T -r 
 
 Tiling in vour Lire. 
 
 E LsrJ
 
 26 LETHE. 
 
 Lord Ch 'Tis lucky for the Nation, to be 
 fure, that there are People who breed, and 
 are fond of one another One Man of ele- 
 gant Notions is fufficient in a Family ; for 
 which Reaibn I ha>e bred up Dick's eldeft 
 Son myfelf ; and a fine Gentleman he is is 
 
 not he, Eo^m.m ? 
 
 Boiv. A very fine Gentleman indeed, my 
 Lord. 
 
 Lord Ch. And as for the reft of the Litter, 
 they may fondle and fatten upon Summum 
 Bonum, as their loving Parents have done be- 
 fore 'em. 
 
 Boiv. Look there! my Lord I'll be 
 
 hang'd if that is not your Lordfhip's Nephew 
 in the Grove. 
 
 JEJop. I dare fwear it is. He has been here 
 juft now, and has entertained me with his 
 elegant Notions. 
 
 Lord Ch. Let us go to him ; I'll lay Six 
 to Four that he has been gallanting with fome 
 of the Beauties of Antiquity Helen or Cleo- 
 patra , I warrant you : Egad, let Liter etia 
 
 take Care of herfelf; fhe'll catch a Tarqutn, 
 I can tell her that He is his Uncle's own 
 Nephew, ha, ha, ha. Egad, I find my- 
 felf in Spirits ; I'll go and coquet a little 
 myfelf with them Bowman, lend me your 
 Arm; and you, William*, hold me up a 
 little [William treads upon his Toes] Ho 
 Damn the Fellow, he always treads upon 
 my Toes Eugh I fhan^t be able to gallant 
 
 it
 
 LETHE. 27 
 
 it this lialf Hour Well, dear Philcfbpher, 
 difpofe of your Water to thole that want it 
 There is no one Adion of my Life, or Quali- 
 fication of my Mind and Body, that is a Bur- 
 den to me: And there is Nothing in ^ymtr 
 World, or in ours, I have to wiih for, unleis 
 that you could rid me of my W fe, and fur- 
 ni(h me with a better Pair of Legs Eh, 
 Bowman Come along, come along. 
 
 Bow. Game to the laii ! my Lord. 
 
 [Ex. Lord Chalk, and Bow. 
 
 MJfff. How flattering is Folly ! His Lord- 
 {hip here, fupported only by Vanity, Vivacity, 
 and his Friend Mr. Bowman, can fancy him- 
 felf the wifeft, and is the happieft of Mortals. 
 
 Exfer Mr. and Mrs. Tatoo. 
 
 Mrs. Tat. Why don't yon come along, 
 Mr. Tatw ? what the Deuce are you afraid 
 of? 
 
 Mfep. Don't be angry, young Lady; the 
 Gentleman is your Hulband, I fuppole. 
 
 Mrs. Taf. How do you know that, eh ? 
 .What, you an't all Conjurers in this World, 
 are you? 
 
 " Mfop. Your Behaviour to him is a fuffi- 
 cient Proof of his Condition, without the Gift 
 of Conjuration. 
 
 Mrs. *Iat. Why I was as firee with him 
 before Marriage, as I am now ; I never was 
 coy or prudilh in my Life. 
 
 E 2
 
 28 LETHE. 
 
 JEfop. I believe you, Madam ; pray, how 
 long have you been married ? You feem to be 
 very young, Lady. 
 
 Mrs. Tat. 1 am old enough for a Hufband, 
 and have been married long enough to be 
 tired of one. 
 
 JEfop. How long, pray ? 
 
 Mrs. Tat. Why above three Months ; I 
 married Mr. Tatco without my Guardian's 
 Confent. 
 
 &/bp. If you married him with your own 
 Confent, I think you might continue your 
 Affection a little longer. 
 
 Mi's. Tat. What iignifies what you think, 
 if I don't think fo ? We are quite tired of 
 one another, and are come to drink foine of 
 
 your Le Lethaly Lcthily^ I think they 
 
 call it, to forget one another, and be unmar- 
 ried again. 
 
 M/cp. The Waters can't divorce you, Ma- 
 dam ; and you may ealily forget him, with- 
 out the Ailiftance of Lethe. 
 
 Mrs. Tut. Ay ? how ib : 
 
 JILhp. By remen.bcring continually he is 
 y;.ur Hufoand; there are feveral Ladies have 
 no other Receipt But what does the Gen- 
 tleman fay to this I 
 
 Mrs. Tat. What fignihes what he lays ? I 
 an't fo young and fo foolifh as that comes to, 
 to be directed by my Hufband, or to care 
 what either he fays, or you fay. 
 
 Mr.
 
 LETHE. 29 
 
 Mr. Taf. Sir, I was a Drummer in a march- 
 ing Regiment, when I ran away with that 
 young Lady I immediately bought out of 
 the Corps, and thought myfelf made for 
 ever ; little imagining that a poor vain L elk>w 
 was purchafing Fortune, at the Expence of 
 his Happinefs. 
 
 JEjbp. 'Tis even fo, Friend ; Fortune and 
 Felicity are as often at Variance as Man and 
 Wife. 
 
 Mr. Taf. I found it fo, Sir This high 
 
 Life (as I thought it) did not agree with me; 
 I have not laugh'd, and fcarcely flept fince 
 my Advancement ; and unlefs your Wifdom 
 can alter her Notions, 1 muft e'en quit the 
 Bleffings of a fine Lady and her Portion, and, 
 for Content, have Recourfe to Eight- pence a 
 Day, and my Drum again. 
 
 &jop. Pray who has advis'd you to a Se- 
 paration ? 
 
 . Mrs. Tat. Several young Ladies of my Ac- 
 quaintance, who tell me they are not angry 
 at me for marrying him ; but being fond of 
 him now I have married him ; and they fay 
 1 ihould be as compleat a fine' Lady as any 
 of 'em, if I would but procure a feparate 
 Divorcement. 
 
 &fop. Pray, Madam, will you let me know 
 what you call a fine Lady ? 
 
 Mrs. 'Taf. Why, a fine Lady, and a fine 
 Gentleman, are two of the fineli Things 
 upon Earth, 
 
 Mfif.
 
 3 o LETHE. 
 
 JEfop. I have juft now had the Honour 
 of knowing what a fine Gentleman is; fo 
 pray confine yourfelf to the Lady. 
 
 Mrs. Tat. A fine Lady, before Marriage, 
 lives with her Papa and Mamma, who breed 
 her up till fhe learns to defpife 'em, and re- 
 folves to do Nothing they bid her ; this makes 
 her fuch a prodigious Favourite, that fhe 
 wants for Nothing. 
 
 &fip. So, Lady. 
 
 Mrs. Tat. When once fhe is her own 
 Miftrefs, then comes the Pleafure ! 
 
 J&Jop. Pray let us hear. 
 
 Mrs. Tat. She lies in Bed all Morning, 
 rattles about all Day, and fits up all Night ; 
 fhe goes every where, and fees every Thing ; 
 knows every body, and loves no body ; ri- 
 dicules her Friends, coquets with her Lovers, 
 iets 'em together by the Ears, tells Fibs, 
 makes Mifchief, buys China, cheats at Cards, 
 keeps a Pug dog, and hates the Parfons ; fhe 
 laughs much, talks loud, never blufhes, fays 
 what fhe will, does what fhe will, goes where 
 fhe will, marries whom fhe pleafes, hates 
 her Hufband in a Month, breaks his Heart 
 in four, becomes a Widow, Hips from her 
 
 Gallants, and begins the World again 
 
 There's a Life for you ; what do you think 
 of a fine Lady now ? 
 
 .Mjbp. As I expected you are very young, 
 
 Lady ; and if you are not very careful, your 
 
 natural Propenfity to Noife and Affectation 
 
 i will
 
 LETHE. 31 
 
 will run you headlong into Folly, Extrava- 
 gance, and Repentance. 
 
 Mrs. "Tat. What would you have me do ? 
 
 JEfop- Drink a large Quantity of Lethe to 
 the Lofs of your Acquaintance ; and do you, 
 Sir, drink another to forget this falfe Step of 
 your Wife ; for whilft you remember her 
 Folly, you can never thoroughly regard her ; 
 and whilft you keep good Company, Lady, 
 as you call it, and follow their Example, you 
 can never have a juft Regard for your Huf- 
 band ; fo both drink and be happy. 
 
 Mrs. 'Tat. Well, give it me whilft I am 
 in Humour, or 1 mail certainly change my 
 Mind again. 
 
 JEjop. Be patient, till the Reft of the Com- 
 pany drink, and divert yourfelf, in the mean 
 Time, with walking in the Grove. 
 
 Mrs. Tat- Well, come along, Hufband, and 
 keep me in Humour, or I mall beat you fuch 
 a.n Alarum as you never beat in all your Life. 
 \Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Tatoo.] 
 
 Enter Frenchman,, 
 
 French. Monfieur, votre Serviteur pour- 
 quoi ne repondez vous pas ? Je dis que je fuis 
 
 votre Serviteur 
 
 JEfop. I don't underftand you, Sir 
 
 French. Ah le Barbare ! il ne parle pas Fran- 
 cois Vat, Sir, you no fpeak die French 
 
 Tongue ?
 
 32 LETHE. 
 
 Mfop. No really, Sir, I am not fo polite. 
 
 French. En Verite, Monfieur &Jop, you 
 have not much Politefle, if one may Judge 
 by your Figure and Appearance. 
 
 JEJop. Nor you much Wifdom, if one may 
 judge of your Head, by the Ornaments 
 about it. 
 
 French. Qu'eft ccla done ? Vat you mean 
 to front a Man, Sir ? 
 
 JEfop. No, Sir, 'tis to you I am fpeaking. 
 
 French. Vel, Sir, I not a Man ! vat is you 
 take me for ? vat I Bead ? vat I Horfe ? par- 
 bleu! 
 
 JEJop. If you infift upon it, Sir, I would 
 advife you to lay afide your Wings and Tail, 
 for they undoubtedly eclipfe your Manhood. 
 
 French. Upon my Yard, Sir, if you treat a 
 Gentilhomme of my Rank and QuaKte com- 
 me 93, depend upon it, I fhall be a Htel en 
 Cavalier vit you. 
 
 &Jop. Pray, Sir, of what Rank and Qua- 
 lity are you ? 
 
 French. Sir, I am a Marquis Francois, 
 j'entens les Beaux Arts, Sir, 1 have been en 
 Advanturier all over the VarJd, and am a 
 prefent en Angleterre, in Ingland, vere I am 
 more honore and carefs den ever I vas in my 
 own Countrie, or inteed any vere elfe 
 
 &Jop. And pray, Sir, what is your Bufi- 
 nefs in England? 
 
 French. I am arrive dere, Sir, pour poHr 
 la Nation de Inglis, Sir, have too much 
 
 a
 
 1 T H E< 33 
 
 a Lead in deir Heels, and too mucli a Tought 
 jn deir Head ; fo, Sir, if I can ligten bote~, 
 I (hall make dem tout a fait Franco:*) and 
 quite anoder ting. 
 
 JEfop. And pray, Sir, in what particular 
 Accomplifhments does your Merit confirt ? 
 
 French. Sir, I fpeak de French, j'ai bonne 
 Addrefle, I dance un Minuet, I fmg des littel 
 Chanfons.and I have une tolerable Affurance: 
 En fin, Sir, my Merit' con fift in one Vard - 
 I am Foreignere and entre nous vile de 
 Eng/is be fo great a Fool to love de Foreignere 
 better dan demfelves, de Foreignere vould ftill 
 be more great a Fool, did dey not leave deir 
 own Counterie, vere dey have noting at all, 
 and come to Inglande^ vere dey vant for no- 
 ting at all, pardie Cela n'eft il pas vrai, 
 
 Monfieur &jbp ? 
 
 JEjop. Well, Sir, what is your Bufmefs 
 with me ? 
 
 French. Attendez un peu you {hall hear, 
 Sir I am in love vit the grande Fortune of 
 one Englis Lady ; and de Lady, {he be in 
 Love with my Q\ialite and Bagatelles. Now, 
 Sir, me want twenty or tirty Douzains of 
 your Vaters, for Fear I be oblige to leave Ing- 
 lande, before I have fini dis grande Affaire. 
 
 &fop. Twenty or thirty Dozen ! for what ? 
 
 French. For my Crediteurs ; to make 'em, 
 forget de Vay to my Logement, and no trou- 
 ble me for de future. 
 
 F
 
 34 LETHE. 
 
 Mfop. What ; have you fo many Credi- 
 tors ! 
 
 French. So many ! begar I have 'em dans 
 tous les Quartiers de la Ville, in all Parts of 
 de Town, fait 
 
 M,jop. Wonderful and furprizing ! 
 
 French. Vonderful ! vat is vonderful dat I 
 fhould borrow. Money ? 
 
 JEftp. No, Sir, that any body fhould lead 
 it you 
 
 French. En Verite vous vous trompez; you 
 do miftake it, mon Ami : If Fortune give me 
 no Money, Nature gives me des Talens ; j'ai 
 des Talens, Monfieur Mfop ; vech are de fame 
 
 Ting par Example ; de Rnglifman have de 
 
 Money, I have de Flatterie and bonne Ad- 
 drefle ; and a little of dat from a French 
 Tongue is very good Credit and Securite for 
 totifand Pound Eh bien done ! fal I have 
 dis twenty or tirty Douzaines of your Vater ? 
 Ouy, 'ou non ? 
 
 JEfop. 'Tis impoflible, Sir, 
 
 French. Impoffible ! pourquoi done ? vy 
 not? 
 
 JEfop- Becaufe if every fine Gentleman, 
 who owes Money, fhould make the fame 
 Demand, we fhould have no Water left for 
 our other Cuftomers. 
 
 French. Qae voulez vou que je fafle done ? 
 Vat mu'ft I do den, Sir ? 
 
 fiLfop. Marry the Lady as foon as you can, 
 
 pay your Debts with Part of her Portion, 
 
 6 drink
 
 L E T H E. 3$ 
 
 drink the Water to forget your Extravagance, 
 retire with her to your ow'ii Country, and be 
 a better Oeconomift for the future. 
 
 French. Go to my own Contre ! Je vous 
 demande Pardon, I had much rather flay 
 vere I am ; 1 cannot go dere, upon my 
 Yard 
 
 &fcp. Why not, my Friend ! 
 
 French. Entre nous, I had much rather 
 pafs for one French Marquis in Inzlandfi 
 keep bonne Compagnie, manger des Delica- 
 tefles, and do no ting at all ; dan keep a Shop 
 en Provence, couper and fritter les Cheveux, 
 and live upon Soupe and Sallade de reft of 
 my Life 
 
 JEfep. I cannot blame you for your Choice; 
 and if other People are fo blind not to di- 
 ftinguim. the Barber from the fine Gentleman, 
 
 their Folly muft be their Punimment 
 
 knd you (hall take the Benefit of tha Water 
 with them. 
 
 French. Monfieur &fop-> fans Flatterie on 
 Compliments, .1 am your very humble Ser- 
 viteur yean Friff'eron en Provence^ ou le 
 Marquis de Pouville en Angleterre. 
 
 { Exit Frenchman. 
 
 JEfop. Shield me and defend me ! another 
 ,fme Lady ! 
 
 Enter Mrs. Riot. 
 
 Mrs. Riot. A Monfler ! a filthy Brute 1 
 F 2 Yowr
 
 a 6 LETHE. 
 
 Your Watermen are as impolite upon the Styx 
 as upon the Thames Stow a Lady of Fafhion 
 with Tradefmens Wives and Mechanics 
 fih ! what's this ? Serbeerus, or Plutus I \ft'?wg 
 JE'if] am I to be frighted with all the Mon- 
 fters of this internal World ! 
 
 &Jop. What is the Matter, Lady ? 
 
 Mrs. Riot. Every Thing is the Matter, my 
 Spirits are uncompos'd, and every Circum- 
 ^tance about me in a perfect Dilemma. 
 
 JEjop. \Vhat has diforder'd you thus ? 
 
 Mrs. Riot. Your filthy Boatman, Scarroon^ 
 jhere. 
 
 JEfop. Charon, Lady, you mean. 
 
 Mrs. Riot. And who are you, you ugly 
 Creature you ; if 1 fee any more of you I 
 (hall die with Temerity. 
 
 &fqp. The Wife think me handfome, 
 Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Riot. I hate the Wife : But who are 
 
 . 
 
 you ? 
 
 SEfop. lam ALfof) Madam, honour'd this 
 Day by Projerphe with the Diilribution of 
 ;he \Vaters of Lethe ; command me. 
 
 Mrs.. Riot* Shew me to the Pump-Roona 
 
 then, Fellow where's the Company ? 
 
 J die in Solitude. 
 
 JEfop. What Company ? 
 
 Mrs. Riot* The beft Company* People of 
 Fafliion ! the Beau Monde ! fhew me to none 
 of your gloomy Souls, who wander about in 
 your Groves and Streams fliew me to glit- 
 tering
 
 LETHE. 37 
 
 tering Balls, enchanting Mafquerades, ravifh- 
 ji ig Operas, and all the polite Enjoyments of 
 ILlyfian* 
 
 JE>fop. This a Language unknown to 
 me, Lady No fuch fine Doings here, and 
 very little good Company (as you call it) in 
 JLlyjium 
 
 Mrs. Riot. What ! no Operas ! eh ! no 
 Elyfian then ! [Sings fantajlically in Italian.] 
 'Sfortunato Monticelli! banim'd Elyjian^ as 
 well as the Hay-Market ! Your Tafte here, 
 I fuppofe, rifes no higher than your Shake- 
 fpears and your Johnfons ; oh you Goats and 
 Vandih ! in the Name of Barbarity take 'em 
 to yourfelves, we are tir'd of 'em upon 
 Earth one goes indeed to a Playhoufe fome- 
 times, becaufe one does not know how elfe 
 one can kill one's Time every Body goes, 
 becaufe becaufe All the World's there 
 but for my Part call Scarroon* and let him 
 take me back again, I'll ftay no longer here 
 ttupid Immortals ! 
 
 flLfop. You are a happy Woman, that have 
 neither Cares nor Follies to difturb you. 
 
 Mrs. Rhf. Cares ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Nay, now 
 I muft laugh in your ugly Face, my Dear : 
 What Cares, does your Wifdom think, can 
 enter into the Circle of a fine Lady's En- 
 joyments ? 
 
 Mfap, By the Account I have juft heard of 
 a fine Lady's Life, her very Pleafures are both 
 
 Follies
 
 3 3 LETHE. 
 
 Follies and Cares ; fo drink the Water, ancf 
 forget them, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Riot. Oh gad ! that was fo like my 
 Hufband now forget my Follies ! forget the 
 Fafhion, forget my Being, the very Quincet- 
 tence and Emptity of a fine Lady ! the Fel- 
 low, would make me as great a Brute as my 
 Hufband. 
 
 &J'op. You have a Hufband then, Ma- 
 dam ? 
 
 Mrs. Riot. Yes I think fo a Hufband 
 and no Hufband Come, fetch me fome of 
 your Water ; if I muft forget fomething, I 
 had as good forget him, for he's grown infuf- 
 ferable o'late. 
 
 JEJop. I thought, Madam, you had No- 
 thing to complain of 
 
 'Mrs. Riot. One's Hufband, you know, is 
 almoft next to Nothing. 
 
 A\fop. How has he offended you ? 
 
 Mrs. Riot. The Man talks of Nothing but 
 his Money, and my Extravagance won't re- 
 moye out of the filthy City, tho' he knows I 
 die for the other End of the Town ; nor 
 leave off his naily Merchandizing, tho' I've 
 laboured to convince him, he loies Money 
 by it. The Man was once tolerable enough, 
 and let me have Money when I wanted it ; 
 but now he's never out of a Tavern, and is 
 grown fo valiant, that, do you know he 
 has prefum'd to contradict me, and refuie me 
 Money upon every Occafion. 
 
 Mfof.
 
 LETHE. 39 
 
 Mfop. And all this without any Provoca- 
 tion on your Side ? 
 
 Mrs. Riot. Laud ! how fhould I provoke 
 him ? I feldom fee him, very feldom fpeak 
 to the Creature, unlefs I want Money ; be- 
 lides, he's out all Day 
 
 JEfop. And you all Night, Madam : Is it 
 not fo ? 
 
 Mrs, Riot. I keep the beft Company, Sir, 
 and Day-light is no agreeable Sight to a po- 
 lite Aflembly ; the Sun is very well and com- 
 fortable, to be fure, for the lower Part of the 
 Creation ; but to Ladies who have a true 
 Tafte of Pleafure, Wax Candles, or no Can- 
 K dies, are preferable to all the Sun-beams in 
 the Univerfe 
 
 Mfop. Prepofterous tancy ! 
 
 Mrs. Riot. And fo, moft delicate fweet 
 Sir, you don't approve my Scheme ; ha ! ha ! 
 ha ! oh you ugly Devil you ! have you the 
 Vanity to imagine People of Fafhion will 
 nynd what you fay ? Or that to learn Polite - 
 nefs and Breeding, it is neceiTary to take a 
 Leflbn of Morality out of Mfofs Fables 
 ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 JEJop. It is neceffary to get a little Reflec- 
 tion fomewhere ; when thefe Spirits leave 
 you, and your Senfes are furfeited, what muft 
 be the Confequence r 
 
 Mrs- Riot. Oh, I have the bed Receipt in 
 the World for the Vapours ; and left the 
 Poifon of your Precepts fhould taint my Viva- 
 city,
 
 40 LETHE. 
 
 city, I muft beft Leave to take it now, by 
 Way of Anecdote. 
 
 JtLfop. Oh, by all Means Ignorance, and 
 Vanity ! 
 
 Mrs. Riot. (Drawing out a Card) Lady 
 Rant an 's Compliments to Mrs, Riot. 
 
 SONG. 
 I. 
 
 Card invites, in Crowds ivejfy, 
 To join the jovial Rout, full Cry ; 
 
 What yoy,from Cares and Plagues all Day* 
 'To hie to the Midnight Hark-away. 
 
 II. 
 
 Nor Want, nor Pain, nor Grief ^ nor Care, 
 
 Nor dronifh Hujbands enter there ; 
 
 T/ie Brijk, the Bold, the Toung, and Gay, 
 All hie to the Midnight Hark-away, 
 
 III. 
 
 Uncounted Jlrikes the Morning Clock, 
 
 And drowjy Watchmen idly knock *, 
 
 fill Day- light peeps, we Jport and play, 
 And roar to the jolly Hark-away. 
 
 IV.
 
 LETHE. 41 
 
 IV. 
 
 When tir*d with Sport, to Bed we creep, 
 And kill the tedious Day withjleep ; 
 To morrow's welcome Call obey, 
 And again to the Midnight Hark-away. 
 
 Mrs. Riot. There's a Life for you, you old 
 Fright ! fo trouble your Head no more about 
 your Betters I am fo perfectly fatisfied with 
 myfelf, that 1 will not alter an Atom of 
 me, for all you can fay ; fo you may bottle 
 up your Philofophical Waters for your own 
 Ufe, or for the Fools that want 'em Gad's 
 my Life ! there's Billy Butterfly in the Grove 
 I muft go to him we {hall fo rally your 
 Wifdom between us ha, ha, ha, ha. 
 The Brfe, the Bold, the Young, the Gay, 
 All /lie to the Midnight Hark- away. 
 
 Unhappy Woman ! Nothing can re- 
 trieve her i when the Head has once a wrong 
 Bias, 'tis ever obftinate, in Proportion to its 
 Weaknefs : But here comes one who feems 
 to have no Occafion for Lethe to make him 
 more happy than he is. 
 
 Enter Drunken Man and Taylor. 
 
 D. Man. Come along, Neighbour Saipi 
 come along, Taylor ; don't be afraid of Hell be- 
 fore you die, you fmv'ling Dog you. 
 
 G . Tayhr.
 
 42 LETHE. 
 
 Taylor. For Heaven's Sake, Mr. Riot, don't 
 be fo boifterous with me, left we mould of- 
 fend the Powers below. 
 
 &jop. What in the Name of Ridicule have 
 we here ! So, Sir, what are you ? 
 
 jD. Man. Drunk very drunk, at your 
 Service. 
 
 &fop. That's a Piece of Information I did 
 not want. 
 
 D. Man. And yet it's all the Information I 
 can give you. 
 
 &fop. Pray, Sir, what brought you hither ? 
 
 D. Man, Curiofity, and a Hackney Coach, 
 
 JJop- I mean, Sir, have you any Occafion 
 for my Waters ? 
 
 JD. Man. Yes, great Occafion ; if you'll do 
 me the Favour to qualify them w r ith ibme 
 good Arrack and Orange Juice. 
 
 Mfop. Mr! 
 
 JD. Man. Sir ! Don't ftare fo, old Gen- 
 tleman let us have a little Converfation with 
 you. 
 
 &fop. I would know if you have any 
 Thing opprefTes your Mind, and makes you 
 unhappy. 
 
 D. Man. You are certainly a very great 
 Fool, old Gentleman ; did you ever know a 
 Man drunk and unhappy at the fame Time ? 
 
 Mfop. Never otherwife, for a Man who 
 has loft his fenies 
 
 D. Man.
 
 LETHE. 43 
 
 D. Man. Has loft the moft troublefome 
 Companions in the World, next to Wives 
 and Bum- bailiffs. 
 
 &fop- But, pray, what is your Bufinefs 
 \vith me ? 
 
 D. Man. Only to demonftrate to you that 
 you are an Afs 
 
 JEfop. Your humble Servant. 
 
 D. Man. And to fhew you, that whilft I 
 can get fuch Liquor as I have been drink- 
 ing all Night, I fhall never come for your 
 Water Specificks againft Care and Tribula- 
 tion : However, old Gentleman, if you'll 
 do one Thing for me, I (han't think my Time 
 and Converfation thrown away upon you. 
 
 Mfop. Any Thing in my Power. 
 
 D. Man. Why, then, here's a fmall Mat- 
 ter for you ; and, do you hear me ? get me 
 one of the bed Whores in your Territories. 
 
 JEjop. What do you mean ? 
 
 D. Man. To refrefh myfelf in the Shades 
 
 here after my Journey Suppofe now you 
 
 introduce me to Projerpine, who knows how 
 far my Figure and Addreis may tempt her; 
 and if her Majefty is over nice, fhew me but 
 her Maids of Honour, and I'll warrant you 
 they'll fnap at a Bit of frefh Mortality. 
 
 JEf'jp. Monftrous i 
 
 D. Man. Well, well, if it is mnnftrous, I 
 fny no more if her Majefty and Retinue 
 are fo very virtuous I fay no more ; but 
 I'll tell you what, old Friend, if you'll lend 
 
 G 2 me
 
 44 L E T H E. 
 
 me your Wife for Half an Hour ; when you 
 make a Vifit above, you fhall have mine as 
 long as you pleafe ; and if upon Trial you 
 mould like mine better than your own, you 
 fhall carry her away to the Devil with you, 
 and ten thoufand Thanks into the Bargain. 
 
 sEfap. This is not to be borne ; either be 
 filent, or you'll repent this drunken Jnfo- 
 lence. 
 
 D. Man. What a crofs old Fool it is ! I 
 prefume, Sir, from the Information of your 
 Hump, and your Wifdom, that your Name 
 is is what the Devil is it ? 
 
 &Jop. sEJop, at your Service 
 
 D. Men. The fame, the fame 1 knew 
 
 you well enough, you old fenfible Pimp 
 
 you- many a Time has my Flefli fe't Birch 
 
 upon your Account; prithee, what poflefs'd 
 thee to write fuch foolifli old Stories of a Cock 
 and a Bull, and I don't know what, to plague 
 poor innocent Lads with? It was damn'd 
 cruel in you, let me tell you that. 
 
 ffLfop* I am now convinced, Sir, I have 
 written 'em to very little Purpofe 
 
 D. Man. To very little I affure you But 
 
 never mind it Damn it, you are a fine old 
 
 Grecian, for all that [claps him on the Back] 
 Come here, Snip is not he a fine old Gre- 
 cian ? And tho' he is not the handfomeft, 
 
 or beft drefs'd Man in the World, he has ten 
 Times more Senfe than either you or 1 have 
 
 Toy. Pray, Neighbour, introduce me. 
 
 D. Man.
 
 LETHE. 45 
 
 D. Man. I'll do itMr. Mfop, this fneak- 
 ing Gentleman is my Taylor, and an honeft 
 Man he was, while he lov'd his Bottle ; but 
 fmce he turn'd Methodijl^ and took to Preach- 
 ing, he has cabbag'd one Yard in fix from all 
 his Customers ; now you know him, hear 
 what he has to fay, while I go and pick up in 
 the Wood here Upon my Soul, you are a 
 fine old Grecian ! [Exit D. Man. 
 
 Mfip. [To Taylor] Come, Friend, don't 
 be dejected ; what is your Bufmefs ? 
 
 Tay. I am troubled in Mind. 
 
 JEJop. Is your Cafe particular, Friend ? 
 
 Tay. No, indeed, I believe it is pretty ge- 
 neral in our Parifh. 
 
 flLfop. What is it ? fpeak out, Friend 
 
 Tay. It runs continually in my Head, that 
 | ini . 
 
 Mfep. What ? 
 
 lay. A Cuckold -- 
 
 JEJop. Have a Care, Friend, Jealoufy is a 
 rank Weed, and chiefly takes Root in a bar- 
 ren Soil. 
 
 Tay. I am fure my Head is full of Nothing 
 
 Mfop. But how came you to a Knowledge 
 of your Misfortune ? Has not your Wife as 
 much Wit as you ? 
 
 Tay. A great Deal more, Sir ; and that is 
 one Reafon for my believing myfelf dif- 
 honour'd -- 
 
 Mfof.
 
 46 LETHE. 
 
 JEfop. Tho' your Reafon has fome Weight 
 in it, yet it does not amount to a Conviction. 
 
 Tay. I have more to fay for myfelf, if your 
 Worfhip will but hear me. 
 
 Mfop. I ihall attend to you. 
 
 Tay. My Wife has fuch ve:y High Blood 
 in her, that fhe is lately turn'd Papiil, and is 
 always railing at me and the Government 
 The Prieft and fhe are continually laying their 
 Heads together, and I am afraid he has per- 
 fuaded her, that it will fave her precious 
 Soul, if (he cuckolds a Heretic Taylor.'- 
 
 MJop. Oh, don't think fo hardly of 'em. 
 
 Trfy. Lord, Sir, you don't know what 
 Tricks are going forward above ! Religion 
 indeed is the Outfide Stuff, but Wickednefs 
 is the Lining. 
 
 Mfop* Why, you are in a Paffion, Friend ; 
 if you would but exert yourfelf thus at a 
 proper Time, you might keep the Fox from 
 your Poultry. 
 
 *Tay. Lord, Sir, my Wife has as much 
 Paflion again as I have ; and whenever fhe's 
 up, I curb my Temper, fit down, and fay 
 Nothing. 
 
 &fop. What Remedy have you to propofe 
 for this Misfortune ? 
 
 lay. I would propofe to dip my Head in 
 the Kiver, to warn away my Fancies and if 
 you'll let me take a few Bottles to my Wife, 
 if the Water is of a cooling Nature, I may 
 
 perhaps
 
 LETHE. 47 
 
 perhaps be eafy that Way ; but I fhall do as 
 your Worfhip pleafes. 
 
 flLfop. I am afraid this Method won't an- 
 fwer, Friend : Suppofe therefore you drink 
 to forget your Sufpicions, for they are Nothing 
 more, and let your Wife drink to forget your 
 Uneafmefs A mutual Confidence will fuc- 
 ceed, and confequently mutual Happinefs. 
 
 Toy. I have fuch a Spirit, I can never bear 
 to be diihonour'd in my Bed. 
 
 /Ejop. The Water will cool your Spirit, 
 and if it can but lower your Wife's, the Bu- 
 
 linefs is done Go for a moment to your 
 
 Companion, and you fhall drink prefently ; 
 but do Nothing rafhly. 
 
 Tay* I can't help it, Rafhnefs is my Fault, 
 Sir, but Age and more Experience, I hope, 
 will cure me Your Servant, Sir Indeed he 
 is a fine old Grecian ! [Exit Taylor. 
 
 JEJop. Poor Fellow, I pity him. 
 
 "Enter Mercury. 
 
 Mer. What can be the Meaning, JEfop. 
 that there are no more Mortals coming over ? 
 I perceive there is a great Buftle on the other 
 Side the Styx^ and Charon has brought his 
 Boat over without PafTengers. 
 
 Here he is to anfwer for himfelf. 
 
 Enter
 
 4 3 LETHE. 
 
 "Enter Charon, laughing. 
 
 Char. Oh! oh! oh! 
 
 Mer. What diverts you fo, Charon? 
 
 Char. Why there's the Devil to do among; 
 the Mortals yonder ; they are all together by 
 the Ears. 
 
 &fop. What's the Matter? 
 
 Char. There are fome Ladies, who have 
 been difputing fo long and fo loud about 
 taking Place and Precedency, that they have 
 fet their Relations a tilting at one another, to 
 fupport their Vanity : The Standers-by are 
 ibme of them fo frighted, and fome of them 
 fo diverted at the Quarrel, that they have not 
 Time to think of their Misfortunes; fo I e'en 
 left them to fettle their Prerogatives by thcm- 
 felves, and be Friends at their Leifure. 
 
 Mer. What's to be done, Mfop ? 
 
 JEfop. Difcharge thefe we have, and fmifh 
 the Bufmefs of the Day. 
 
 Enter Drunken Man and Mrs. Riot. 
 
 D. Man. I never went to pick up a Whore 
 in my Life, but the firft Woman I laid Hold 
 of was my dear virtuous Wife, and here 
 Hie is 
 
 Mfop. Is that Lady your Wife ? 
 
 D. Man.
 
 LETHE. 49 
 
 D. Man. Yes, Sir ; and yours, if you pleafe 
 to accept of her 
 
 JEfop. Though (he has formerly given too 
 much into famionable Follies, fhe now re- 
 pents, and will be more prudent for the 
 future. 
 
 Z). Man. Lookee, Mr. JEfop, all your 
 Preaching and Morality iignines Nothing at 
 all hut fince your Wifdom feems bent upon 
 our Reformation, I'll tell you the only Way, 
 old Boy, to bring it about. Let me have 
 enough of your Water to fettle my Head j and 
 throw Madam into the River. 
 
 flLfop. 'Tis in vain to reafon with fuch 
 Beings : Therefore, Mercury^ fummon the 
 Mortals from the Grove, and we'll difmifs 
 'em to Earth, as happy as Lethe can make 
 
 'em 
 
 SONG. 
 
 By MERCURY. 
 I. 
 
 Come Mortals, come, come follow me, 
 Comefollo-jj, fothw, follow me, 
 Iviirth, and Joy, and *foltity ; 
 
 *j -> +j j * 
 
 Hark, hark, the Cai!, come, come and drink* 
 .1 leave your Cares by j^etheV Brink. 
 
 H CHORUS.
 
 50 LETHE. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Away then come, come^ come away, 
 And Life fo all hence be Holiday \ 
 Nor jealous Fears, nor Strife, nor Pain, 
 Shall vex the jovial Heart again. 
 
 II. 
 
 *To Lethe' s Brink then follow a//, 
 Then follow, follow, follow all, 
 'Tis Pleajure courts, obey the Ca//;- 
 
 And Mirth, and Jollity, and Joy, 
 
 Shall every future Hour employ. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Away then come, come, come away, 
 And Lifejhall hence be Holiday ; 
 Nor jealous Fears, nor Strife, nor Pain, 
 Shall vex the jovial Heart again. 
 
 [During the Song, the Characters 
 enter from the Grove. 
 
 JEfop. Now, Mortals, attend ; I have per- 
 ceived from your Examinations, that you 
 have miftaken the Effeds of your Diftem- 
 pers for the Caufe you would willingly be 
 relieved from many Things which interfere 
 
 with
 
 LETHE. 51 
 
 with your Paffions and Affections ; while your 
 Vices, from which all your Cares and Misfor- 
 tunes arife, are totally forgotten and neglected. 
 
 Then follow me, and drink to the For- 
 
 getfulnefs" of Vice 
 
 *T/> Vice alone difturbs the human Ere aft \ 
 Care dies with Guilt ; be virtuous, and be bleft. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 P , L A Y 8, &c. 
 
 Printed for PAUL VAIL LAN T. 
 
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 SONGS, CHORUSSES, &c. 
 
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 NEW ENTERTAINMENT 
 
 OF THE 
 
 JUBILEE, 
 
 A T T H 
 
 Theatre-Royal, in Drury-Lane. 
 
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 in the Strand. 1776. 
 
 (PRICE s i x - p K N c E. )
 

 
 The SERENADE: or, MORNING ADDRESS. 
 To the Ladies. 
 
 Sung by Mr. BANNISTER, Mr. KEAR, 
 Mr. FAWCETT, &c. 
 
 I > E T beauty with the fun arife, 
 
 To SHAKESPEARE tribute pay, 
 With heavenly fmiles and fpeaking eyes, 
 Give luftre to the day. 
 
 Each fmile fhe gives protects his name j 
 
 And v/ho (hall dare to frown ? 
 Not Envy's felf can blaft the fame, 
 
 Which Beauty deigns to crown. 
 
 B AIR
 
 A I R. 
 
 Sung by Mr. BANNISTER. 
 
 It 
 
 A HIS is, Sir, a Jubilee, 
 Crowding without company, 
 Riot without jollity, 
 That's a Jubilee ! 
 
 Thus 'tis night and day, Sir, 
 
 I hope that you will ftay, Sir, 
 
 To fee our Jubilee. 
 
 II. 
 
 On the road fuch crofles, Sir, 
 Curfmg, jolts, and tofles, Sir, 
 Porting without horfes, Sir, 
 That's a Jubilee ! 
 
 Thus 'tis, &c. 
 
 HI. 
 
 Odes, Sir, without poetry, 
 Mufic without melody, 
 Singing without harmony, 
 That's a Jubilee ! 
 
 Thus '/;V, &c. 
 
 Holft
 
 C 3 ] 
 IV. 
 
 ftoles to thruft your head in, Sir, 
 Lodgings without bedding, Sir, 
 Beds as if they'd lead in, Sir, 
 That's a Jubilee ! 
 
 Thus 'tis, &c. 
 
 V. 
 
 Blankets without fheetingj Sir, 
 Dinners without eating, Sir, 
 Not without much cheating, Sir, 
 That's a Jubilee ! 
 
 Thus 'tis night and d&y^ Sir, 
 
 . I hope that you willjlay^ Sir, 
 
 To fee our Jubilee. 
 
 B 2 WARWICK-
 
 WARWICKSHIRE. 
 
 Sung by Mr. VERNON, Mr. DAVIES, &c. 
 
 I. 
 
 E JParwickJhire lads, and ye laflcs, 
 See what at our Jubilee pafles, 
 Come revel away, rejoice and be glad, 
 For the lad of all lads, was a Warvuidjbire lad, 
 
 JVarwlckjblre lad, 
 
 All be glad, 
 For the lad of all lads, was a Wm-wickjhire lad. 
 
 II. 
 
 Be proud of the charms of your county, 
 Where Nature has lavilh'd her bounty, 
 Where much fhe has giv'n, and fome to be fpar'd, 
 For the bard of all bards, was a JPianvickflrire bard, 
 Warwick/bin bard, 
 
 Never pair'd, 
 For the bard of all barcls* was a Warwidjhire bard. 
 
 III.
 
 t s } 
 m, 
 
 Each ftiire has its different pleafures, 
 Each {hire has its different treafures ; 
 But to rare Warwickjjjtrt* all muft fubmit, 
 For the wit of all wits, was a Warwickjbire wit, 
 Warwickjhire wit, 
 How he writ ! 
 For the wit of all wits, was a IP arivickjhire wit. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Old Ben y t Thomas Otway, John Dryden 
 And half a fcore more we take pride in. 
 Of famous Will Congress* we boaft too the fkill, 
 But the WUof all Wills* wa a Warwickjbire 
 Warwick/hire Will, 
 Matchlefs ftill, 
 For the Witt of all Witts t was a Warwickshire Witt. 
 
 V. 
 
 Our SHAKESPEARE compar'd is to no man, 
 Nor Frenchman^ nor Grecian* nor Roman* 
 Their fwans are all geefe, to the Even's fweet fwan, 
 And the man of all men, was a Warwickjhire man. 
 Warvjickjbire man, 
 
 A 'van's fwan, 
 And the man of all men, was a Warwick/bin man. 
 
 VI,
 
 VI. 
 
 As vcn'fon is very inviting, 
 
 To fteal it our bard took delight in, 
 
 To make his friends merry he never was lag, 
 
 And the wag of all wags, was a Warwickjbire wag, 
 
 Warwickfl>ire wag, 
 
 Ever brag, 
 For the wag of all wags, was a Warwickjbire wag. 
 
 VII. 
 
 There never was feen fuch a creature, 
 Of all fhe was worth, he robb'd Nature ! 
 He took all her fmiles, and he took all her grief, 
 And the thief of all thieves, was a Warwickshire thiefc 
 Warwickjhire thief, 
 He's the chief, 
 For the thief of all thieves^ was a Warwickjbire thief. 
 
 THE
 
 [ 7 ] 
 
 THE MULBERRY-TREE. 
 
 Sung by Mr. VERNON, Mr. BANNISTER, &c, 
 
 I. 
 
 JjEHOLD this fair goblet, 'twas carv'd from the tree, 
 Which, O my fweet SHAKESPEARE, was planted by 
 
 thee, 
 
 As a relick I kifs it, and bow at the fhrine, 
 What comes from thy hand muft be ever divine ! 
 All fhall yeild to the Mulberry-tree, 
 Bend to thee, 
 Bleft Mulberry, 
 Matchlefs was he, 
 Who planted thee, 
 And thou lilce him immortal be ! 
 
 II. 
 
 Ye trees of the foreft, fo rampant and high, 
 
 Who fpread round your branches, whofe heads fwecp 
 
 the flcy, 
 
 Ye curious exotics, whom tafte has brought here, 
 To root out the natives at prices fo dear, 
 
 All (hall yicjd to the Mulberry- tree, &c. &c.
 
 f 8 } 
 
 III. 
 
 The Oak is held royal, is Britain's great boaft, 
 Preferv'd once our king, and will always our coaft, 
 But of Fir we make fhips, we h^ve thoufands that fight ; 
 While One only One, like our SHAKESPEARE can 
 write, 
 
 Ail foall yield to the Mulberry-tree, &c. &c. 
 
 IV. 
 
 * Let Vtr.us delight in her gay mirtle bowers, 
 Pomana in fruit trees, and Flora in flowers ; 
 
 The garden of SHAKESPEARE all fancies will fuit, 
 With the fweeteft of flow'rs, and the faireft of fruit, 
 
 All hall yeild to the Mulberry-tree, &c. &c. 
 
 V. 
 
 * With learning and knowledge the well-letter'd Birch 
 Supplies Law and Phyfick, and grace for the church, 
 But Law and theGofpel in SHAKESPEARE we find, 
 And he gives the beft Phyfick for body and mind, 
 
 All (hall yield to the Mulbcrry.tree, &c. &c. 
 
 N. B. The Stanzes marked thos'are omitted in the Performance. 
 
 IV.
 
 [ 9 3 
 
 VI. 
 
 The fame of the patron gives fame to the tree, 
 From him and his merits this takes its degree ; 
 Let Pbcebus and Bacchus their glories refign, 
 Our tree fhall furpafc bora the Laurel and Vine. 
 
 All (hall yield to the Mulberry-tree, &c. &c. 
 
 " f. r- 
 
 VII. 
 
 The Genius of SHAKESPEARE out-fhines the 
 
 day, , 
 
 More rapture than wine to die heart can convey, 
 So the tree which he^ planted, by making his own r 
 Has Laurel, and Bays, and tfee Vine all in one. 
 
 All fhall yield to the Mulberry-tree, Sec. fcc. 
 
 ' 
 
 VIII. 
 . 
 Then each take a relick of this hajlow*d tree, 
 
 ^"rom folly and fafhion a cha'rnrfet it be ; 
 Fill fill to the planter, the cup to the brim, 
 To honour his country, do honour to him. 
 
 All (hall yield to the Mulberry-tree, 
 
 Bend to thee, 
 
 Bleil Mulberry, 
 
 Matchlefs was he 
 
 Who planted thee, 
 And thou like him immortal be ! 
 
 CHORUS
 
 [ '0 ] 
 
 **************#*#***#* 
 
 A C T II. S C E N E I. 
 
 A Garden. 
 
 ZAIDA, LYSSA, and other female Spirits following. 
 Z A I DA. 
 
 R E C I T. 
 
 Shame of thy Sex begone nor haunt me more. 
 LYSSA. 
 
 R E C I T. 
 
 Will Zaida's Bofom from a Woman hide, 
 What to conceal from Man, is Art and Pride ? 
 Behold ! Power's fovereign Charm to foften Hate, 
 W r hat melts us moft ! Variety and State ! 
 
 [Waves her Wand, and the whole Scene 
 and Decorations change. 
 
 A i R. 
 
 Turn and fee what PJeafures woo you, 
 Let not Love in vain purfue you, 
 Seize his Bleffings while you may, 
 Love has Wings and will not (lay. 
 
 CHORUS.
 
 [ II ] 
 
 I 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Seize his Bleffings whilft you may, 
 Love has Wings, and will not flay. 
 
 Z A I D A, 
 R E c i T. Accomp. 
 Deluders hence ! Your Spells are weak, 
 My Zareb's ftronger Spells to break i 
 For him alone 1 draw my Breath, 
 With him I could rejoice in Death. 
 
 [// thunders, grows dark, and the Garden Jhakes, 
 Jill the Women run off, but Zaida and Lyfia. 
 
 L Y S S A. 
 
 H E C I T. 
 
 'Tis Pad the fofter Paffions take their Flight, 
 Moroc, comes arm'd in Terrors and in Night ! 
 Deftruction in his Eye, and in his Hand, 
 The Scepter of His Wrath-^His Ebon Wand. 
 
 MOROC, ZAIDA, LYSS A 
 
 M O R O C. 
 
 R i c i T. Accomp. 
 No more I come with Sighs and Pray'rs, 
 
 A proud ungrateful Fair to fue : 
 Revenge a Feftival prepares, 
 
 A Feftival for Love and you !
 
 TRIO. 
 L Y S S A, 
 
 O hear her Sighs, believe her Tears, 
 The Heart may change that pants with Fears. 
 
 [To Moroc, 
 Z A I D A. 
 
 Hear not my Sighs, nor truft. my Tears, 
 My Heart may pant, but not with Fears : 
 
 fiis Treafure loft, the Mifer mourns. 
 
 ' 
 
 L Y S S A. 
 
 ^lore Treafure found, his Joy returns. 
 
 MOROC. 
 
 Hence Jealoufy and love-fick Cares ! 
 Vengeance now my Bofom tears ! 
 
 L Y S S A. 
 
 f The Joys of Power will here attend thee ! 
 
 Z A I D A. 
 " The Joys of Love with Zoreb fend me ! 
 
 L Y S S A. 
 
 With him your Heart new Woes would prove. 
 
 Z A I D A. 
 " I fear no Woes with him I love. 
 
 MOROC.
 
 [ '3 ] 
 
 M O R O C. 
 
 " Away with Love and fond Defines 
 " Vengeance rage with all thy Fires." 
 
 R E C I T. 
 
 Lyjfa, depart ! this is no Hour for Joy, 
 I come not now ro pity j but deftroy 
 
 To Zaida's Arms her Lover I refign ; 
 He's dead, and dying thought you mine, 
 For him alone you draw your Breath, 
 him you fhall rejoice in Death ! 
 
 [Dead March. 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 A 'Tomb rifes from the Ground, in which ZO%EB lies, 
 KALIEL ftanding by him with his Wand on bis 
 Breajt. 
 
 Z A I D A. 
 R E c j T. Accomp. 
 
 My Zoreb dead \ then Sorrow is no more : 
 Now let the Lightning flafh, the Thunder roar ! 
 
 AIR.
 
 [ 14 J 
 
 A I R. 
 
 Back to your Source weak, foolifh, Tears, 
 Away, fond Love, and Woman's Fears -, 
 
 A nobler Pafiion warms : 
 The Dove fhall foar with Eagle's Wing, 
 
 From Earth I fpring, 
 And fly to Heav'n, and Zoreb's Arms. 
 
 [Offers to jlab berfelf ; Moroc runs to prevent 
 her, and in his Fright drops bis Ebon H 'and-, 
 which Kaliel fakes up. 
 
 MOROC. 
 Hold, defp'rate Fair ['Takes away the Dagger, 
 
 No more will I employ 
 Love's fofter Arts, but feize, and force my Joy. 
 
 [Takes hold of her, 
 Z A I D A. 
 Help, heav'nly Pow'rs ! 
 
 MOROC. 
 
 What Pow'r can Moroc fear ? 
 
 K A L I E L. 
 
 The Pow'r of Virtue which I now revere ! 
 With thy own Arms thy guilty Reign I end, 
 No longer Moroc's Slave, but Zaida's Friend. 
 Thus do. I blaft thee As the Thunder's Stroke 
 Blafts the proud Cedar All thy Charms are broke. 
 
 Moroc with the Wand^ and be finks. 
 SCENE
 
 SG^ 
 
 SCENE IV. 
 
 Z A I D A. 
 
 How fhall I thank the Guardian of my Fame ? 
 
 [kneels to Kaliel. 
 
 K A L I E L. 
 
 Rife, Zaida! Peace ! more thanks (hail Kaliel claim. 
 
 Behold thy Zorcb dead to mortal View, 
 
 The Spells difiblv'd, fhall wake to Life, and you. 
 
 R E c i T. Accomp. 
 
 This magic Wand, in Morels Hand 
 
 Did wound, opprefs : 
 In Kaliel's Hand this magic Wand 
 
 Shall heal, and blefs. 
 
 AIR. 
 
 O faithful Youth, 
 To fhake thy Truth, 
 
 No more fhall Fiends combine : 
 Now gently move, 
 To meet that Love, 
 
 That Truth which equals thine. 
 
 the Symphony is playing, Zoreb 
 rifes gradually from the 'Tomb. 
 
 ZOREB.
 
 Z O R E B. 
 
 A i R. 
 
 " What Angel's Voice, w hat fweet enchanting Breath 
 * Calls haplefs Zoreb from the Bed of Death ? 
 "In Terror's Gloom, 
 " Night's awAil Womb, 
 " My Soul imprilbn'd lay, 
 " But now I wake to Day, 
 
 *' Too weak my Power's to bear this Flood of Light, 
 .*' For all Elyzium opens to my Sight." 
 
 [looks rapturoujly on Zaida. 
 
 Z A I D A. 
 
 O Zoreb / O my Lord ! My bofom Gueft ! 
 Tranfport is mute ! My Eyes muft fpeak the reft. 
 
 ZOREB. 
 
 And do I wake to Blifs, as well as Life ! 
 
 'Tis more than Blifs ! 'tis Zaida 'tis my Wife. 
 
 K A L I E L. 
 
 In Fate's myfterious Web this Knot was wove : 
 Thus Heaven rewards your Conftancy and Love. 
 
 [joins their Hands. 
 DUETT. 
 
 ZOREB, ZAIDA. 
 No Power could divide us, no Terror difmay, 
 No Treafures could bribe us, no Falmood betray : 
 No Demons could tempt us, no Pleafure could move, 
 No Magic could bind us, but the Magic of Love. 
 
 ZOREB.
 
 Z O R E B. 
 
 The Spell round my Heart was the Image of You 5 
 Then how could I fail to be conftant and true ? 
 
 Z A I D A. 
 
 The Spell round my Heart was the Image of You j 
 Then how could I fail to be conftant and true ? 
 
 K A L I E L. 
 
 R E C I T. 
 
 Hence ye wicked Sprites away ! 
 Faffion yields to Reafon's Sway : 
 Purer Beings of the Air 
 Hover round and guard this Pair : 
 Love and Innocence appear ! 
 Love and Virtue triumph here. 
 
 SCENE V. 
 
 Enter Shepherds, Shepherdefifes, &V. 
 
 K A L I E L. 
 
 A i R. 
 
 Ye Sons of Simplicity, 
 Love and Felicity, 
 
 Ye Shepherds who pipe on the Plain j 
 Leave your Lambs and your Sheep, 
 Our Revels to keep, 
 Which Zoreb and Zaida ordain. 
 
 D Your
 
 [ i8 ] 
 
 Your Smiles of Tranquility, 
 Hearts of Humility, 
 Each Fiend of the Bofam deftroy : 
 For Virtue and Mirth 
 To Blefimgs give Birth, 
 Which Zoreb and Zaida enjoy. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 How happy the Hour, 
 When Paffion and Pow'r 
 No longer united, no longer opprefs : 
 When Beauty and Youth 
 With Love, and with Truth ! 
 For ever united, for ever (hall blefs. 
 
 A Dance of Shepherds, Sbqbar defies, &c. &C; 
 
 FINIS.
 
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