HREE LIVE GHOSTS FREDERICK S. ISHAM FRENCH5SWNDARD LMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th St., New York MRS. PARTRIDGE PRESENTS Comedy in 3 aots. By Mary Kennedy and Buth Haw- thorne. 6 males, females. Modern eoatuines. 2 interiors. Plays 2^ hours. * The characters, scenes and situations are thoroughly tip-to- flate in this altogether delightful American comedy. The heroine is a woman of tremendous energy, who manages a business as fihe manages everything with gre^t^n access, and at home pre- sides over the destinies of a growiu son and daughter. Hep Struggle to give the children the opportunities she herself had missed, and the children's ultimate revolt against her well-meant management that is the basis of the plot. The son who is cast for the part of artist and the daughter who is to go on the stage offer numerous opportunities for the development of the eomio possibilities in the theme. The play is one of the most delightful, yet thought-provoking American comedies of recent years, and is warmly recommended to all amateur groups. (Royalty on application.) Price, 75 Cents, IN THE NEXT ROOM Melodrama in 3 acts. By Eleanor Robson and Harriet Ford. 8 males, 3 females. 2 interiors. Modern costumea Plays 2*4 hours. "Philip Vantine has bought a rare copy of an original Bouta cabinet and ordered it shipped to his New York home from Paris, When it arrives it is found to be the original itself, thje pos- session of which is desired by many strange people. Before the mystery concerned with the cabinet's shipment can be cleared up, two persons meet mysterious death fooling with it and the happiness of many otherwise happy actors is threatened" (Burns Mantle). A first-rate mystery play, comprising all the elementi Of suspense, curiosity, comedy and drama. "In the Next Room 15 is quite easy to stage. It can be unreservedly recommended tc> Irigh schools and colleges. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Oenta SAMUEL FRENCH, ft* West 46tfc Street, New York City *w and BfcpUrtt Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Three Live Ghosts A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS BY FREDERIC! x ISHAM; FORM 112 1OM CCTIZKN Date. No Please return to Script Dept. 1221 ($&^ V ^=5 Culver City, Calif. amateur acting rights inust be made to SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York. NEW YORK i LONDON SAMUEL FRENCH SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. PUBLISHER 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET 25 WEST 45TH STREET STRAND , "Three Live Ghoste" All Rights Reserved COPYRIGHT, 1918 (IN NOVEL FORM) BY THE BOBBS-MERRILL Go. COPYRIGHT, 1018 (UNDER THE TITLE OF "THE DAISY PUSH- ERS"), BY FREDERICK S. ISHAM COPYRIGHT, 1919 (UNDER THE TITLE OF "THE DAISY PUSH- ERS"), BY MAX MARGIN COPYRIGHT, 1920 (UNDER THE TITLE OF "THREE LIVE GHOSTS ), BY FREDERICK S. ISHAM COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY SAMUEL FRENCH Especial notice should be taken that the possession of this book without a valid contract for production first having been obtained from tks publisher, confers no right or license to professionals ^T amateurs to produce the play publicly or in private for gam or charity. In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading public only, and no performance, representation, produc- tion, recitation, or public reading, or radio broadcasting may be given except by special arrangement with Samuel French, 25 West 45th Street, New York. This play may be presented by amateurs upon payment of a royalty of Twenty-Five Dollars for each performance, payable to Samuel French, 25 West 45th Street, New York, one week before the date when the play is given. Whenever the play is produced the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play: "Produced by special arrangement with Samuel French of New York" Attention is called to the penalty provided by law for any infringement of the author's rights, as follows: "SECTION 4966: Any person publicly performing or rep- resenting any dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages thereof, such damages, in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction shall be im- prisoned for a period not exceeding one year." U. S. Revised Statutes: Title 60, Chap. 3. Printed in th* Uniicd States of America by THE RICHMOND HILL RKORP, RICHMOND Hru., N. y. The following is a copy of the original playbill of the first performance of "Three Live Ghosts" at the Green- wich Village Theatre, New York City, September aflth, 1830. MAX MARGIN ^ % 4 Presents -j THREE LIVE GHOSTS A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS FREDERICK S. ISHAM (From the novel of the same name by Frederick S. Isham published by Bobbs-Merrill Company) THE PLAYERS (In the order of their first appearance.) MRS. GUBBINS. known as "Old Sweetheart ........ Beryl Mercer PEGGY WOOFERS ................. Beatrice Miller BOLTON, of the American Detective Agency ....... Emmett Shackelford JIMMIE GIBBONS ........... Charles McNaughton WILLIAM FOSTER, alias "William Jones" .......... Percy Helton SPOOFY ......................... Cyril Chadwick ROSE GORDON ................... Flora Sheffield BRIGGS, of Scotland Yard ..... ... .Charles Dalton BENSON ........................ Arthur Metcalf LADY LEICESTER ............ Mercedes Desmore THE SCENES ACT I Home of "Old Sweetheart." ACT II The same the following morning. ACT III The same a few minutes later. Place: London, 1917. 3 r; CAST (In the order in which they appear.) MRS. GUBBINS. known as "old sweetheart/' Miss WOOFERS. BOLTON, of the American Detective Agency, JIMMIE GUBBINS. WILLIAM FOSTER, alias, William Jones. SPOOFY. ROSE GORDON. BRIGGS, of Scotland Yard. BENSON. LADY LEICESTER. Two POLICEMEN. Three Live Ghosts ACT ONE SCENE: The action of oil three acts takes place in the combination sitting and dining room in the house of MRS. GUBBINS, known as "Old Sweet- heart," in the poorer quarters of London. The room is sparsely furnished and contains a shabby dining table, an open cupboard with packages, etc., several dilapidated chairs and a mantel with a wheezy old clock and several cheap ornaments. An air of squalor and drink permeates the place. There is a door up stage, L., opening into kitchen. Door down stage L., opening into bedroom; door, R.C. opening into hall. Across hall can be seen stairway. Double doors down stage R. opening into bedroom. Practical bay window L.C. back, looking into street. TIME : The summer of 1917. PLACE : London. DISCOVERED: OLD SWEETHEART and Miss WOOF- ERS at table, OLD SWEETHEART right, Miss WOOFERS left. Their hands are on table, their fingers touching as at a spiritual seance. The kitchen door and door R. open. Slow curtain. OLD SWEETHEART. (She looks up and calls) 5 6 THREE LIVE GHOSTS Jimmie Gubbins, your stepmother is callin' to you your sweetheart is wytin* to 'ear from you. Jimmie Gubbins, where are you? (Very brief pause.) Miss WOOFERS. The spirits don't seem to be very accommodatin' to-day. OLD SWEETHEART. Sometimes they are verry obsinate and you got to coax 'em. I'll try again. (She looks up and smiles.) Jimmie Gubbins, don't you 'ear me callin' you ? Wot's the matter with you to-day? (Hurdy-gurdy plays off stage.) Good 'eavens, 'e'll keep that up all day, maybe if I throw in a penny 'e'll go away. (She rises, goes to win- dow at back and throws penny. Hurdy-gurdy stops. OLD SWEETHEART goes down to table, sits, with tips of fingers again touching Miss WOOFERS'.) Now that the concert is over, maybe his spirit will an- swer. I'll try again. Jimmie Gubbins, where are you? Miss WOOFERS. Mybe his spirits is here and we don't know it. OLD SWEETHEART. Let's try asking him a ques- tion. You ask. Miss WOOFERS. I don't know what to ask him. OLD SWEETHEART. Ask 'im if 'e's 'appy over there. Miss WOOFERS. Jimmy, are you 'appy over there? (Three ghostly raps outside Rj OLD SWEETHEART. That means "Yes." Miss WOOFERS. Was it really 'is spirit? OLD SWEETHEART. I can feel 'im near me verry near. Ask him another question. Miss WOOFERS. What'll I ask 'im now? OLD SWEETHEART. I 'ave 'card that wot you liked over here you gets over there. Now, wot did Jimmie like most? Miss WOOFERS. He always liked his beer. OLD SWEETHEART. Jimmie Gubbins, does you still THREE LIVE GHOSTS 7 get your beer? (Three raps at door R.) He gets it. That's verry consoling. Miss WOOFERS. Sounded to me like sombody at the door. OLD SWEETHEART. You go. Miss WOOFERS. (Goes towards door, frightened, then to back of table) It's your door. OLD SWEETHEART. Oh, verry well. (OLD SWEETHEART goes to door, cautiously opens it. BOLTON is revealed just outside of door. Has newspaper in pocket with picture of BILL. As BOLTON slowly enters, closes door, the two women move away, frightened. OLD SWEET- HEART to front of table, R., end.) BOLTON. Mrs. Gubbins OLD. SWEETHEART. Yes BOLTON. (Coming down) The landlady told me I'd find you here. OLD SWEETHEART. You 'as. 'Ighly honored gentleman from the city, I tyke it ? BOLTON. May I speak with you alone? (Looks hard at Miss WOOFERS.) Miss WOOFERS. All right. (Exits C.D. R. Closes door.) BOLTON. My name is Bolton, of the American Detective Agency. OLD SWEETHEART. Oh, a detective? BOLTON. Yes. OLD SWEETHEART. Won't you sit down ? BOLTON. Thanks. (He sits, chair *R.) Mrs. Gubbins, I came to speak to you of your son. OLD SWEETHEART. Yes? BOLTON. He is dead, I believe? OLD SWEETHEART. He is I believe. BOLTON. Aren't you positive? 8 THREE LIVE GHOSTS OLD SWEETHEART. Verry positive. BOLTON. What makes you so positive that he's dead. OLD SWEETHEART. 'Aven't I collected the life insurance ? BOLTON. He was reported killed in action, wasn't he? OLD SWEETHEART, 'e died a 'ero a martyr to 'is country 'e died a bryve soldier and the wye the government doles out the insurance money you'd think 'e died as a favor to me. But wot might be your business with my Jimmie? (Goes to chair L. of table, sits.) BOLTON. (Goes to front of table) It doesn't con- cern him, but another. I am looking for an Ameri- can, Foster by name, whom I hoped to trace through your son. OLD SWEETHEART. Why through 'im ? BOLTON. Because I have reasons to believe he enlisted in your son's regiment. You see, this Fos- ter left New York in rather a hurry. OLD SWEETHEART. They sometimes does leave New York in a hurry. BOLTON. I believe he enlisted under the name of William Jones. I was hoping your son might have mentioned William Jones in one of his letters. OLD SWEETHEART. Never heard the nyme be- fore! BOLTON. I have found an American or two, named Jones, but they were not the Jones I wanted ! OLD SWEETHEART. There are a lot of Joneses! Very clever of 'im I call it, if 'e wanted to hide, tyking that nyme. BOLTON. (Looks about, crosses to L. Sees photo of JIM on mantel) This your son? (Compares with picture in paper.) OLD SWEETHEART. Yes, that's my boy THREE LIVE GHOSTS 9 BOLTON. (Crosses to OLD SWEETHEART. Shows her paper) There's a picture of the young man I want to find. OLD SWEETHEART. Oh! Ayn't 'e 'andsome? Wot's it sye? BOLTON. (Reads) "Wanted: Information as to whereabouts of William Foster, of New York City. Believed to have enlisted in London, January, 1915, under the name of William Jones. (Glancing at OLD SWEETHEART.,) 1000 pounds reward will be paid for said information." OLD SWEETHEART. 1000 pounds? (Sighs.) BOLTON. (Glancing at JIM'S picture, going back of table) Now, Mrs. Gubbins, I want you to look among your son's papers if you have any, and see if you can help us trace this man Foster (Puts paper on table.) or Jones, as he calls himself. It would pay you well if you could. OLD SWEETHEART. I'll do my verry best. And if I should find 'im shall I let them know it at Scotland Yard ? BOLTON. No, no, you'd better let me know per- sonally. You see, they know of the reward at Scot- land Yard and might claim it. OLD SWEETHEART. Then I shan't 'ave anything to do with Scotland Yard. Wot did you sye your name was? BOLTON. Bolton. And should you forget it you'll find it (Picks up paper.) in the newspaper. The address too. (Puts paper down. Impressively.) One thousand pounds reward! Good day, Mrs. Bubbins. (Going to C.D. Rj OLD SWEETHEART. Good day. fBoLTON exits, closes door.) One thousand pounds, one thousand pounds, one thousand quid (Rises, goes to closet, R V takes out bottle of gin, glass and deck of old cards goes to table, pours out drink, spreads io THREE LIVE GHOSTS out cards, three piles, three at a time, telling for- tune.) To me 'ouse, to me friends, to myself, to myself. (Drinks.) One thousand pounds (Looks at first pile.) Spades, I 'ate spades. (Looks at other piles, they are diamonds.) King of diamonds, that's better oh! Something's going to happen, something very lucky for me. (Pours drink. Miss WOOFERS knocks. OLD SWEETHEART drinks quickly, goes to closet.) Somebody may want a drink. (Put- ting back bottle and glass.) Come in (Enter Miss WOOFERS. ) Miss WOOFERS. I see the gent's gone. Wot did he want? (Goes to back of table, picks up paper.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Crosses to table) Nothing nothing, leave that paper alone. (Takes cards.) Miss WOOFERS. Is there anything particular in the pyper? OLD SWEETHEART. Nothing particular at all. (Takes paper.) I'm savin' it for wrapping some- thing in. (Crosses to closet and puts paper and cards in it.) Never can tell when an old newspy- per'll come in 'andy. Miss WOOFERS. You been telling your fortune, I see. Did you learn anything from the cards? OLD SWEETHEART. I'm to fall an heiress to a thousand pounds. Miss WOOFERS. More life insurance? (Moves to end of table.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Goes to R. of table) 'ardly. I only 'ad one step-son to give to my king and country. Miss WOOFERS. Shall we try for more messages from Jimmie ? OLD SWEETHEART. Yes I got a very important question to arsk 'im. (They sit as before, the tips of their fingers touching. She looks up and calls.) THREE LIVE GHOSTS n Jimmie Gubbins you still hoverin* near? Jimmy Gubbins, where the hell are you? JIMMIE. (Voice off stage Old Sweetheart! Old Sweetheart ! OLD SWEETHEART. (Rises) Dear Gawd! Miss WOOFERS. (Rises) His voice! JIMMIE. (Offstage) Peggy, Peggy! Miss WOOFERS. (Frightened) He's callin' to me. (Enter JIMMIE c. OLD SWEETHEART and Miss WOOFERS are scared. Miss WOOFERS gasps of surprise and fear.) JIMMY. Old Sweetheart! 'ello! I sye, 'ello! (Coming down R.j OLD SWEETHEART. (Timidly) 'Ello. JIMMIE. Wot's the matter? Ayn't you glad to see me? OLD SWEETHEART. Verry glad. Miss WOOFERS. Ayn't he life-like? OLD SWEETHEART. For a spirit. Miss WOOFERS. Syme voice. OLD SWEETHEART. Syme face. JIMMIE. And the syme Jimmy! (Seizes OLD SWEETHEART in his arms. Gets whiff of gin and makes wry face.) And the syme smell gin. (Kisses her, turns to Miss WOOFERS. ) Come 'ere, Peg! Miss WOOFERS. (Backing away) No no JIMMIE. Wot's the matter with you? Come 'ere! (Takes Miss WOOFERS in his arms.) Miss WOOFERS. It feels like him. OLD SWEETHEART. (Crosses to him, puts hands on him) Then it is 'im. 'E ayn't dead 'E's come back Jimmie Jimmie (Takes him in her arms with genuine affection.) JIMMIE. (After OLD SWEETHEART releases him) 12 THREE LIVE GHOSTS Yes, here we are, all merry and bright and every- thing. Why, Mother, you're looking fine. As usual, soused (Crosses to R.J OLD SWEETHEART. Drowin' of my troubles, dar- ling. But where 'ave you been ? (Moving to R. end of table.) JIMMIE. Prisoner. OLD SWEETHEART. All this time? JIMMIE. Yes, worse luck ! OLD SWEETHEART. How was you took? JIMMIE. Gassed. Surrendered when I didn't know it. When I came to I was in a prison camp. (Hangs hat on rack.) Miss WOOFERS. But the government reported you as dead. JIMMIE. That's wot the sergeant said! (Coming down R.J OLD SWEETHEART. The sergeant ? JIMMIE. (Goes to chair R.) Yes. When I went back to report after having been prisoner a year in Germany. Miss WOOFERS. (Sits chair L. of table) Ayn't that awful! Wot did the sergeant do when you told 'im? JIMMIE. Was I received with open arms as a 'ero? OLD SWEETHEART. Wasn't you? JIMMIE. Yes, I was not! Miss WOOFERS. Wot 'appened? JIMMIE. (Sit chair R.J "I've come back to re- port" says I. "Me wot went over the top and was took prisoner." "Prisoner is it?" says 'e. "No, prisoner it was"* "You ain't escaped. You never was took prisoner." OLD SWEETHEART. (Soothingly) Only 'is bit of fun! JIMMIE. Fun, was it? "I've come back for my THREE LIVE GHOSTS 13 back pay," says I. "Back pay? There ayn't none. Besides," he said, "y u ayn't got no mortal 'ands to tyke it with." OLD SWEETHEART. Maybe 'e was right, Jimmie. Maybe you are dead and you don't know it. JIMMIE. That's wot 'e said. "Government re- ports you dead." And, "dead you are (Rises, goes up stage, a little.) "You're under the ground, a-pushin' up the daisies." Me, a daisy pusher I'd like to push 'im in the eye. OLD SWEETHEART. That wouldn't do no good. JIMMIE. Wyte till I come back to life. (OLD SWEETHEART looks at JIMMY.,) OLD SWEETHEART. You can't come back to life. JIMMIE. Wy not? OLD SWEETHEART. You'd be gettin' me into trou- ble. JIMMIE. Trouble ? How ? OLD SWEETHEART. You got to stye dead. If you love me, stye dead, Jimmie. Please stye dead. JIMMIE. (Crosses to OLD SWEETHEART^ You know me, mother. I'm willing to be accommodatin', but wot's it all about? OLD SWEETHEART. I've been spendin* the life insurance. JIMMIE. You mean you've collected on me? OLD SWEETHEART. You never can collect life insurance too quickly, Jimmie. JIMMIE. 'Ave you got all of it? OLD SWEETHEART. Government wouldn't give it all up at once. There's another installment coming and you got to stye dead if I'm to get it. JIMMIE. (Crosses fh back of chair R. Laughing.) It would be a shyme to let the government rob you of my life insurance, wouldn't it? OLD SWEETHEART. An* arter I've been looking forward to collectin' the next installment ! i 4 THREE LIVE GHOSTS JIMMIE. Yes, but wot about my back pay? OLD SWEETHEART. You can come to life when the h'insurance is spent and draw your back pay. And do the government wot tried to do you. JIMMIE. (Crosses to OLD SWEETHEART,) You do. get ideas, don't you? But do I help spend the insurance ? OLD SWEETHEART. We'll see. (JiM looks in purse.) Til see. 'Ere's a shillin'. (Takes coin from her purse and hands it to him.) JIMMIE. (Takes coin) Oh, Blyme, can you spare it? (Spits on coin, throws it up and catches it.) OLD SWEETHEART. It ayn't any good for you to have too much money. You might spend it on liquor ( JIM crosses R.J Which reminds me (Rises, going to c. door R. Miss WOOFERS rises; goes to front of table.) JIMMIE. Time for a drink, eh? OLD SWEETHEART. I 'as a little errand. (At door.) JIMMIE. Make it a long one. OLD SWEETHEART. I'll take my time. (Looks knowingly at JIMMIE and PEG. Exit OLD SWEET- HEART, closes door.) Miss WOOFERS. (Stands in a posture of confused bashfulness) Ayn't you got something 1 nice to sye to me? JIMMIE. (Eyeing her appraisingly; going to her) Ayn't you been putting on flesh? Miss WOOFERS. Maybe a little bit, Jimmie. JIMMIE. Ain't you been worryin' about me? Miss WOOFERS. I've thought of you every min- ute. JIMMIE. Thinking so hard, you took on flesh. Miss WOOFERS. I can't 'elp it, Jimmie. JIMMIE. Who you been keepin' company with ? THREE LIVE GHOSTS 15 Miss WOOFERS. They ayn't been no one, Jimmie ! You arsk me! JIMMIE. (Sternly) Attention! (She straightens with a look of awe.) Salute ! (She does. JIMMIE grabs her.) Miss WOOFERS. Oh, Jimmie, don't 'ug so 'ard ! JIMMIE. (Putting her out at arms' length) It's all right. You ain't been practisin'. Give me a kiss. (She responds with maiden bashfulness a little peck. JIMMIE surveys her.) You 'aven't improved at all. (Goes little to R.J Miss WOOFERS. Wot you mean, Jimmie? JIMMIE. (Loftily) In the h'art of h'osculation ! Miss WOOFERS. (Anxiously) Oh, Jimmie, don't you like my kisses ? JIMMIE. (Goes to her) You call that kissin'? That's peckin'. A regular kiss ayn't too short, and it ayn't too long. It's sort of lingerin* ! (Dreamily.) Miss WOOFERS. (Anxiously) 'Ow do you know? JIMMIE. Eh? Miss WOOFERS. You ayn't been practising 'ave you? JIMMIE. (Hastily) Me? Miss WOOFERS. On those French lydies? JIMMIE. How could I? I don't even know the language ! Miss WOOFERS. (Apparently re-assured) That's so ! (They embrace.) (Enter WILLIAM FOSTER, alias WILLIAM JONES, an American, followed by "SPOOFY." The latter is an Englishman suffering from shell-shock. Both look starved and seedy. SPOOFY'S pants are rather short. The American's (BILL) manner is somewhat subdued.) 16 THREE LIVE GHOSTS BILL. Hello, Jimmie. (Leaves door open, com- ing down R.J JIMMIE. 'Lo, Bill. (BILL down R. He sees Miss WOOFERS in JIM'S arms.) BILL. Beg pardon JIMMIE. (To RILL) It's all right, it's all right. This is me gal. Me regular gal w'en at home. (Introducing Miss WOOFERS.^ Peg, this is me American pal, Bill, Miss Peggy Woofers. Miss WOOFERS. It's an honor (BILL crosses to PEGGY, shakes hands.) BILL. Glad to know you, Miss Woofers. JIMMIE. (Indicating SPOOFY, who has been wan- dering down R. looking at room) This is my other pal! "Spoofy," we calls him, because 'e ayn't any brynes ! Miss WOOFERS. W'ot a sad affliction! (Gazing at SPOOFY.,) SPOOFY. (Casing about) Wot a beautiful room. Rather short of bric-a-brac, though! (All turn looking at room.) Miss WOOFERS. Does the poor man like bric-a- brac? (Sympathetically. SPOOFY wanders up to cupboard.) JIMMIE. (Hastily) Yes; bric-a-brac and other things! But don't mind him. He ayn't exactly crazy, only bug-'ouse sufferin' from shell-shock ! Miss WOOFERS. (Crosses to JIMMIEJ Shell- shock Is 'e dangerous? JIMMIE. Not at all! He 'as one or two harm- less little 'abits that's all! f SPOOFY opens cup- board, takes out salt cellar, puts in pocket.) Miss WOOFERS. Oh! (SPOOFY comes down R. stands looking out door R.) Wot did you sye 'is name was? JIMMIE. I don't know. Miss WOOFERS. Who is 'e? THREE LIVE GHOSTS 17 JIMMIE. That's it who the 5 cll is 'e? Miss WOOFERS. Don't you know ? JIMMIE. I don't and 'e don't. (Miss WOOFERS turns to BILL.) BILL. We found him in a prison camp. Miss WOOFERS. Prison camp? (Crosses BILL to fireplace.) JIMMIE. He sort of annexed himself. Miss WOOFERS. (Quickly) Well, I. think I'll go and J elp ma! I'm learning 'ow to cook. ("Miss WOOFERS crosses to L. round to c. door R.J JIMMIE. (Goes to c. door R. With enthusiasm) Wait a minute! Give us another kiss before you go- Miss WOOFERS. Before gentlemen? Oh, Jimmie Gubbins ! (Bashfully, exits c. door R. JIMMIE goes into hall with her, hear kissing, then he returns; closes door. BILL. (Crosses to chair L. of table. Laughing) Jimmie, Jimmie. How'd you find your mother, Jim- mie? JIMMIE. Fine, she's full of spirits. (Crosses to back of chair R. of table. Quickly to pals.) Boys, did you get it? That back pay? I mean, of course you did. (BILL shakes head. JIMMIE continues in tone of anguish.) Don't sye you didn't get it? BILL. (Shaking pockets) Hear anything jing- ling, Jimmie? JIMMIE. Mybe it's in ten-pun notes? BILL. (Showing empty pockets.) Not a note! JIMMIE. Wot? BILL. All in the same boat Officially dead ! JIMMIE. Not '5m? (Pointing to SPOOFY.J BILL. Same thing. Now identify him. SPOOFY. (Who gazing out door R. Turns quick- ly) Identify? Sergeant asked me who I was. i8 THREE LIVE GHOSTS Told him it was none of his bally business 1 Haw ! Haw ! (SPOOFY sits chair R.J ' JIMMIE. (Fixing him with his eyes) You think that was a good joke? (Crossing to front chair R. of table. To RILL.) Well, here we are. What are we going to do about it? (Sits chair R. of table.) BILL. Three ghosts! JIMMIE. Three live ghosts! and one of them out of commission. (Looks towards SPOOFY.J SPOOFY. I know where it's hidden. JIMMIE. What? SPOOFY. Money, jewels. JIMMIE. You mean you 'ave got some stuff hid- den in a crib? SPOOFY. I can go out and get lots of things. JTMMIE. (To RILL) I believe 'e could. SPOOFY. What would you like me to bring back ? JIMMIE. Your brynes. SPOOFY. Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! (Rises, goes into bay window. BILL sits L. of table.) JIMMIE. Bli'me he gives me the shivers with that laugh of his. BILL. If we -don't watch him he's liable to come back with somebody else's brains. JIMMIE. Yes, we've got to take care of him if only out of gratitude for the things he swiped for us while we were starving our w'y through Germany and Holland. What a wizard he was at swipin' things! You know, I can't make out whether he's a retired parson or a burglar. fSpooFY exits into kitchen.) BILL. (Rises) Well, I'm thankful for the clothes he swiped for us, anyway. JIMMIE. He made a mess of my fit. Look at these collars around the ankles. Look at the coat, Bill. How does it *ang? (Pulls coat out in front.) BILL. It hangs on. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 19 JXMMIE. 'Ow's the back? (Crosses to left, BILL crosses R. JIMMIE leaves coat hang loose, bactt to audience.) BILL. You'd know it wasn't the front. (Laughs, gazing around.) Hello. There's Spoofy! (Goes out, c. door R. into hall, looks about, looks upstairs.) JIMMIE. (Goes to kitchen door, startled) Now wot you doing of ? Wot you doing there ? (SPOOFY comes out of kitchen looking around with a happy smile. JIMMIE ominously) Wot you got there? (Pointing to coat pocket, bringing SPOOFY down L. BILL comes down R. closing door.) SPOOFY. (Sweet smile) Where? JIMMIE. (Puts hands in Spoofy's pockets) In there. Butter-knife, a salt cellar, nutmeg-grater (Draws these articles out of SPOOFY^ pockets.) Bli'me, what you want to swipe a nutmeg grater for? SPOOFY. Oh, I'm not particular. (JIMMIE throws things into kitchen.) JIMMIE. (To SPOOFY,) Now listen, Spoofy ; we're grateful to you, old man, for the food and the clothes you swiped for us ; God knows wot we'd 'ave done without you but you're in England now and you've got to cut it out understand ? Cut it all out. No more foraging. SPOQFY. But you chaps have been good to me. I'd like to do something for you. I could rob a house or two. JIMMIE. (To RILL) And have us all change our names to numbers. That's a pretty idea, that is. SPOOFY. But we're three ghosts the Govern- ment says so. Nobody could harm us. JIMMIE. (Crosses to front of table) You get pinched and see how quickly the Government'll bring you back to life. No, Spoofy, you couldn't pull that alibi down at Scotland Yard. (Sits on ao THREE LIVE GHOSTS table. SPOOFY slowly wanders up to chair front of fireplace, sits gazing into fire.) BILL. (Crosses to JIM) But there's no reason why you should be deprived of your back pay. You won't have any trouble proving you're very much alive. Old Sweetheart could identify you. JIMMIE. I ain't so sure. BILL. Why not? JIMMIE. She's been collecting the life insurance. (Crosses to L.) BILL. What? JIMMIE. She might get into trouble. BILL. It's the government's own fault. They wouldn't do anything to her. JIMMIE. They'd make 'er pye it back. Bli'me, they'd pinch all the 'ome. (Crosses to front of table.) But how about you William Jones It shouldn't be 'ard for you to come back to life and get your back pye. You can prove your identity by some of your American friends. (Sits on table front.) BILL. That's just what I can't do. JIMMIE. Why? BILL. If the government's willing to call me dead, it suits me. (Crosses to R.) JIMMIE. (Pause, crosses to BILL,) Was there anything 'appened before you enlisted? BILL. Jimmie, I think it's only fair that you should know. I came over here because it was a case of get out of the country or jail. JIMMIE. Bli'me you're in 'is class. (Refers to SPOOFY.J BILL. I know what class I'll be in if they ever get me back on the other side. JIMMIE. Bill, I don't know what you did (Looks towards SPOOFY.,) and 'e don't know himself what 'e did. (Crosses to front of table, sits on it.) But I do know I've been travelling in funny company. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 21 BILL. (Crosses to him) That's what I'm leading to. There's no reason for our travelling together any longer. JIMMIE. You mean you want to split? BILL. It's the best that I go on my own way now. JIMMIE. You're going straight (Hands on BILL'S shoulder.) BILL. You bet, Jimmie. JIMMIE. That's fine, Bill, and we're going to- gether, and when we get settled down 'ere, we'll get ourselves a job. BILL. And in the meantime JIMMIE. You'll stay right here. BILL. But I can't sponge on you. JIMMIE. You said you were going straight, didn't you? God knows it's pretty 'ard to go straight on an empty stomach and no place to sleep. Now I don't know what you done, Bill, but we've been through a whole lot together, and there's no reason why we shouldn't stick a bit longer I'd feel a damn sight easier, knowin* you was 'ere and not in the 'ands of the police. SPOOFY. Police? (Rises, comes down L. Pause. SPOOFY smiles.) JIMMIE. 5 E understands that. (Goes over to SPOOFY. BILL crosses to R.) Now listen, Spoofy, you're going to stay here, too. Me an' Bill's going to look after you. You're going to get better some- day, and when you do, you're going straight, too. ('SPOOFY whimpers.) Bli'me, 'e thinks I'm abusin' 'im. Now, wot's the matter with you ? (Enter OLD SWEETHEART from c. door R.) OLD SWEETHEART. I just been to the green grocer's (Stops at sight of JIMMIE'S pals. Looks hard at BILL. Has apron full of onions.) JIMMIE. (Crosses to OLD SWEETHEART) Mo- 22 THREE LIVE GHOSTS ther, my American pal - (To BiLL.J Bill, this is my mother. BILL. (Crosses to MRS. GUBBINS, shakes hands) Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Gubbins. Jimmie talked of you so much, we've sort of adopted you. OLD SWEETHEART. I'm sure that's verry kind. (Crosses to front of table, taking large onion out of apron.) JIMMIE. (Crosses to back of table, eyeing SPOOFY dubiously) This is my mother, pal. Spoofy, my mother. SPOOFY. (Crosses to L.C. ay OLD SWEETHEART is about to put onion on table, going to her and lifting hands to lip) My lady ! JIMMTE. Mother! (OLD SWEETHEART looks at JIM..) He's crazy. SPOOFY. (Kisses it again, drops it with a graceful gesture) I can always tell a perfect lady. (Goes L.) OLD SWEETHEART, Oh, he don't act so crazy to me. (BILL R.) JIMMIE. (Laughing) Ayn't that just like a woman? (Lying across table.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Suddenly to ]iu) Did I 'ear you sye your other pal was an American ? JIMMIE. Yes. OLD SWEETHEART. Wot's 'is nyme? JIMMIE. Jones. OLD SWEETHEART. Jones! What's his first name? JIMMIE. William. OLD SWEETHEART. William Jones. William Jones. (Repeats with great satisfaction, chuckling.) BILL. (Laughing) Bill to my friends. OLD SWEETHEART. I 'opes we comes under that heading. (Effusively, crosses to BiLL.J BILL. At the head of the list, Mrs. Gubbins ! OLD SWEETHEART. I'll get you all something to eat. (Starts for kitchen.) THREE LIVE GHOSTS 23 BILL. Oh, I'll forage around outside 1 Couldn't trouble you. (Starts for c. door Rj OLD SWEETHEART. (Quickly) No, you must stye. BILL. But I'm quite accustomed to foraging (Going to c. door R.J OLD SWEETHEART. (Quickly gets between BILL and door) I couldn't let you get away. (Hastily.) Just a 'umble little supper ! (To JIM.,) Tripe and onions ! JIMMIE. Tripe and onions! Bill, you'll love it. BILL. All right, I'll stay. (Hangs hat on rack.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Crossing to kitchen) You'll be sure he styes, Jimmie ! (Earnestly.) JIMMIE. I won't let 'im get awye, mother! OLD SWEETHEART. It won't be much but you'll be 'eartily welcome ! (At kitchen door to BiLL.J BILL. Thanks, Mrs. Gubbins. OLD SWEETHEART. Myke yourself at 'ome! (Curtsies to SPOOFY. SPOOFY bows. To BILL.,) I've tyken quite a fancy to you. (Exits into kitchen and closes door f chuckling.) JIMMIE. 'Asn't she got a kind 'eart? BILL. (Absently) She has. (Coming down R.J JIMMIE. Boys. Wot do you sye to a drink? (Getting off table.) BILL. (Promptly) You said something, Jimmie. JIMMIE. I got a shilling. SPOOFY. (Interested) Where? (Crossing quickly to JIM, grabs for coin.) JIMMIE. I'll 'old it tight in my 'and. (Eyes SPOOFY. Knock on door C.D. R .) Entres ! ("BILL greatly surprised at seeing ROSE. Enter ROSE GORDON with small parcel under her arm, a hand painted bowl. She is pale, and not well, but has been attractive once. Leaves door open.) J4 THREE LIVE GHOSTS ROSE. (Addressing JIMMIE, not seeing RILL) Oh, I brought this in to show Mrs. Gubbins. (Crosses to back of table.) JIMMIE. Mother? She's in the kitchen. ROSE. Never mind ! I won't disturb her. (Starts out.) BILL. (Moving towards ROSE involuntarily) Rose ! (She recovers from her surprise, turns slow- ly and draws back. He continues to look at her.) JIMMIE. 'Ello! You two seem to know each other. BILL. Rather ! fRosE draws breath quickly.) JIMMIE. Kin da funny you two meetin' 'ere like this ; not the little girl you told me about ? BILL. Yes, it is. JIMMIE. Well, we'll be going. (Crosses to C.D. R.J You know where to find us, Bill, around the corner. Come along, Spoofy. (To SPOOFY, crosses very slowly.) Don't hurry yourself. Oh, come on. ("ROSE puts, bowl on table.) SPOOFY. (Crosses to c. door Rj What for? JIMMIE. Ain't you got no indiscretion ? fJiMMiE takes SPOOFY by the arm and exits, c. door R. Closes door.) ROSE. Then you're not dead, after all ? BILL. Rose! How in the world do you happen to be here? (Crosses little to L.) ROSE. My being here isn't the extraordinary part of it, it's you BILL. Why, what's the matter? ROSE. Why didn't you let me know you were alive ? BILL. (Crosses to R. of table) I wrote you from the trenches ; didn't you receive my letter ? ROSE. Yes, I received it. But that was before you were reported killed. Why didn't you write again? THREE UVE GHOSTS as BILL. I didn't write again because I hoped that before this time it wouldn't make any difference to you whether I was alive or not. ROSE. Oh, I see. I guess I was just a little fool, dreaming of my soldier-boy sweetheart going over the top, wearing his girl's picture next his heart. BILL. (Takes photograph from his pocket) Here's where I kept yours. ROSE. (Takes photo, reads inscription) "From your little playmate in New York, whom you met again in London, and who will wait for you through eternity." Sounds kind of foolish now, doesn't it? (Hands photo back crosses to L. of table.) BILL. (Putting photo back crosses to L. of table) It means more to me than you'll ever know. Why, you and your mother they were the only familiar faces I saw when I struck London before. And now, the first day I'm back to meet you again like this? (Down to front of table.) It can't be merely a coincidence. ROSE. It isn't. (Crosses to front of table.) BILL. What do you mean? ROSE. You'll be surprised to learn, I'm now earn- ing my own living. BILL. You mean you're really selling these bowls ? (Crosses to front of table. Picks up china bowl.) ROSE. A deluded crockery man around the corner occasionally buys the little masterpiece that I paint. BILL. Is your mother here, too? (Puts bowl down.) ROSE. Mother is back in New York. BILL. Without you ? ROSE. Oh, conditions have changed since you saw me last. BILL. Did anything go wrong with the estate? ROSE. There's hardly enough left now for mother. THREE LIVE GHOSTS I keep her courage up by writing to her how \ I'm doing with my china painting ! And I send well her little money too. BILL. (Crosses to R.) That's tough. But, how do you happen to be living in this house? ROSE. You spoke in your letter of your pal, Jim- mie Gubbins. I came here hoping to hear of you through him. BILL. And youVe been living here all this time ? (Goes a little to ROSE.,) ROSE. Well, I wasn't so successful at first with my china paintings. I had to find cheaper lodgings, and this is the cheapest place I know of, so I moved here. BILL. Rose, I'm sorry you came here. I had lots of time to think out there, and I hoped you'd think me dead. I was ashamed of myself for having asked you to marry me. ROSE. (Looks at him in surprise) Ashamed? BILL. I had no right to ask you to wait for me. I had no right to ask any girl to become my wife. You never knew there was another side to me Rose. I want you to forget me. You're a plucky little girl, and you're making good on your own. I could only drag you down. (Turn to R. Enter Miss WOOFERS.) Miss WOOFERS. (Has jar of preserves as she enters) Maw sent up this jar of preserves (Sees ROSE and BILL.) I beg your pardon. BILL. Mrs. Gubbins is in there. (Crosses to R. Motion to kitchen. ROSE goes to chair L. of table.) Miss WOOFERS. (Going to back of table) Maw's still wyhting for the rent, Miss Gordon. BILL. The rent? ROSE. (Looks at BILL. To PEG) I'm just going out to get it. I merely stopped in to ask Mrs. Gub- bins for a piece of paper to wrap this bowl in. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 27 Miss WOOFERS. Maw has been wyting three weeks. Maw says you're not to come back to-night, without the rent. BILL. (To PEG, crosses to table) You mean your mother would put Miss Gordon out into the street? Miss WOOFERS. Not if she consulted 'er feelings, but you cawn't in the lodging 'ouse business. (To ROSE.) It's not like running a 'alms 'ouse or a 'ospital. (RosE crosses to table, picks up bowl.) BILL. I'll wrap it up for you. (BILL takes bowl, looks around for a sheet of paper.) Miss WOOFERS. Mrs. Gubbins keeps 'er old news- paper fer wrapping in the cupboard, over there. (Indicates cupboard.) BILL. Thank you. (BILL goes to cupboard, gets newspaper left by BOLTON; as he's wrapping up bowl.) Miss WOOFERS. Mrs. Gubbins? (Sizing ROSE up when BILL is about finished wrapping bowl.) Mrs. Gubbins? (Starts to kitchen. ROSE crosses to BILL. OLD SWEETHEART appears at kitchen door.) Ma sent this up BILL. I'll go with you. (They start for C.D. Rj OLD SWEETHEART. That's verry kind of your maw. (Sees Miss GORDON.J Oh, you here, Miss Gordon? (Crosses to BILL and ROSE, gets between them, in front door.) BILL. We were just going out together. (Miss WOOFERS goes to back of table.) OLD SWEETHEART. Oh, you cawn't go out. (To ROSE.J You cawn't tyke him away from 'ere. 'E's my guest. BILL. I'll be back shortly. OLD SWEETHEART. I cawn't let you out of the 'ouse. BILL. Why not? 38 THREE LIVE GHOSTS OLD SWEETHEART. You promised to stye for supper, and I'm cooking it with me own 'ands. ROSE. There's no need of his going. It's only around the corner. BILL. But OLD SWEETHEART. I 'as first clime as 'is 'ostess. You drop in and 'ave a little bite with us, too, Miss Gordon. ROSE. You're very kind; but I mustn't trouble you. OLD SWEETHEART. (Opens door, helps ROSE out c. door R.J No trouble at all. ROSE. Thank you, I will. (Exits c. door R.J OLD SWEETHEART. This will be a verry merry occasion. (Closing door. BILL goes down stage a little ) Poor soul. I don't think she gets enough to eat. (Leaning against the doorway.) BILL. You mean that she actually goes hungry? (Starts towards door OLD SWEETHEART puts hand on knob.) Miss WOOFERS. China-pynting ay n't very pay- ing. Maw says when she first moved in, all she lived on was bread and butter and jam. Maw said, 'er was afraid 'er would die on 'er 'ands. OLD SWEETHEART. That would 'ave been verry expensive for your maw. (BILL sits on table by cupboard.) Miss WOOFERS. Yes. Maw says it's always best to get them out before they die. It's not so much wot they owe; it's the h'mcidentals afterwards. Well, I must go into the kitchen and 'elp out with the dinner. (Crosses to kitchen.) OLD SWEETHEART. You might cut up the tripe. Miss WOOFERS. All right (Exit into kitchen, closes door. BILL crosses left to fireplace.) BILL. How long has Miss Gordon been living here? THREE LIVE GHOSTS 39 OLD SWEETHEART. (Crosses left a little) Oh, interested in 'er already? Not that I blyme you. She's too good looking by 'arf not to 'ave a sweet- heart. BILL. (Turning to OLD SWEETHEART,) She has no callers, then ? (Sits at fireplace, looking at ROSE'S picture.) OLD SWEETHEART. Not 'at I knows of. (Goes to lamp, business of fixing it. Sits chair by lamp.) (Enter c. door R. JIMMIE and SPOOFY. JIMMIE singing. SPOOFY closes door.) JIMMIE. Hello, Mother. Dinner ready? (Hangs up hat, crosses table c. SPOOFY down Rj OLD SWEETHEART. It will be. Miss Woofers is in the kitchen. JIMMIE. (OLD SWEETHEART on platform. JIM- MIE rubbing hands.) Oh, fine. Getting 'er 'and in! 'Ope it will be better than the beer. There wasn't a kick in a barrel of it. SPOOFY. The water was beautiful. JIMMIE. (Disgusted) Water? SPOOFY. And out of a clean glass. (Blissfully.), OLD SWEETHEART. (Rises) Speaking of water ? If the gentlemen would like to wash their 'ands SPOOFY. (Puzzled, crosses to JIMMIE,) Wash, wash? JIMMIE. (Tapping him on the shoulder) Yes, you're in England now. Where the bawth's a na- tional h'institution. (To BILL, crosses to Bi of chair.) Bill ! Thank 'eaveij the bartf down. (BILL doesn't laugh. JIMMIE puzzled.) I said thank 'eaven the ban down. BILL. I heard you. (Rises.) 30 THREE LIVE GHOSTS JIMMIE. (EiLL crosses to door Rj Go in my little room over there. BILL. All right, come on, Spoofy. JIMMIE. And, Bill, see that Spoofy don't pinch the soap. (BiLL and SPOOFY exit R. door. BILL closes door. JIMMIE sits at fireplace, as he lights cigarette.) OLD SWEETHEART. (To JIMMIE, watching them off. Then crosses R.j Jimmie, we're rich. (Crosses back to R. of table.) JIMMIE. Eh? Meanin' the h'insurance? OLD SWEETHEART. No, better than that, Jimmie. One thousand pounds. JIMMIE. Eh? What for? OLD SWEETHEART. Rewards for 'irn. (Point- ing to room where SPOOFY and BILL have gone.) JIMMIE. For 'im? OLD SWEETHEART. I mean for us for 'im - JIMMIE. What the 'ell do you mean for us for OLD SWEETHEART. I mean for 'is 'ead 'is per- son the h'apprehendin' of him. JIMMIE. (Bewildered) Who? Spoofy? OLD SWEETHEART. No, the American. 'E's wanted - JIMMIE. What for? (Rises, crosses to front of table.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Coming down a little) Be- cause Vs a criminal a desperate character - JIMMIE. Wot rot! OLD SWEETHEART. It's the truth, Jimmie. (Crosses to JIM in front of table.) I seen it in the pyper with 'is picture a living likeness you couldn't be mistaken, Jimmie. It was brought me by a gen f leman who arsked all about 'im William Jones, wot enlisted the syme time you did 'e's "\ THREE LIVE GHOSTS >i wanted bad the gent will give a thousand pounds for information. JIMMIE. Wot's 'e wanted for? OLD SWEETHEART. I don't know, Jimmie, but something desperate. Murder, most likely! JIMMIE. Don't talk silly! (Laughs.) OLD SWEETHEART. It's no larfm' matter, Jimmie. Didn't the gentleman read me the article, and show me 'is picture. JIMMIE. It's my opinion it's the 'ot gin that's talkin'! OLD SWEETHEART. 'Ot gin! (With a shriek.) And me 'ardly a tystin' of it ! fJiMMiE sniffs.) Be- sides, it wasn't 'ot. I took it cold. (Crosses to chair R.) JIMMIE. Syme thing! OLD SWEETHEART. (Whimpering) 'E sat right there, Jimmie. (Pointing to chair R.) I can see 'im now and I can prove it to you. Jimmie, by the newspaper. You'd 'ave to be believin' them. And it's our duty to be turnin' 'im over. JIMMIE. (With a sneer) Duty be 'anged ! (Goes up L. to back of chair.) OLD SWEETHEART. Wouldn't you be up'oldin' the laws of the country, Jimmie ? JIMMIE. The laws be 'anged, too if they wants to 'ang my pal. (Defiantly.) OLD SWEETHEART. But if we don't give 'im up, it would be compoundin' a felony And I 'opes I 'as brought you up to be a law-abidin* citizen, Jim- mie? JIMMIE. (Crosses to OLD SWEETHEARTJ You ayn't goin* to give up my pal not for 100,000 pounds ! OLD SWEETHEART. Jimmie, you would be cheatin' me your own step-mother? JIMMIE. Yes, I would. I y THREE LIVE GHOSTS OLD SWEETHEART. (Loudly) Then you shan't! I won't let you. I'll give 'im up myself! That I will! JIMMIE. Not while I'm 'ere to prevent it! (Sits on table back to audience.) OLD SWEETHEART. We'll see ! JIMMIE. We will. You're welcome to the insur- ance money, but when it comes to givin' hup a pal, I draws a line OLD SWEETHEART. But 'e ayn't no pal of mine! JIMMIE. I should 'ope not! I'd 'ate to think what would 'appen to a pal of yours. OLD SWEETHEART. (With much dignity) I 'opes my feelings for the law would rise above hul- terior motives. JIMMIE? (Crosses to door c. Calls BILL. Cross- ing back to foot of table. OLD SWEETHEART goes to chair R. BILL enters, crosses to JIMMIE. To BILLJ Beat it ! BILL. What? OLD SWEETHEART. (To BILL,) Don't you do it! You stye to supper. (Wheedling.) BILL. I had already made up my mind, Mrs. Gubbins, to accept your hospitality. (OLD SWEET- HEART contented sigh.) JIMMIE. Then get it out of your 'ead. It won't be 'ospitality! At least, not wot I'd call genuine 'ospitality. BILL. What do you mean? JIMMIE. They're arter you. BILL. Police? fJ IMMIE nods.) I'm not sur- prised. JIMMIE. Better go, while the goin's good! OLD SWEETHEART. But 'e's 'ungry! W'y should 'e 'urry? (Eagerly.) JIMMIE. But 'e might eat something that didn't THREE LIVE GHOSTS * agree with 'im! Tyke my advice (Indicates door.) OLD SWEETHEART. But 'e shan't! (Goes quickly to c. door Rj JIMMIE. (Catches her) Get away from that door. Get away from that door. (Throwing OLD SWEETHEART to Lj OLD SWEETHEART. Tyke your 'ands arf ! JIMMIE. Oh, I wouldn't 'art you! OLD SWEETHEART. 'E mustn't go! I'll scream. ("BILL gets hat, goes c. door R.j JIMMIE. God knows I'd 'ate to lay my 'ands on you, but they're not goin' to take 'im. OLD SWEETHEART. (To JIMMIED There's a thousand pounds reward, and I means to 'ave it. BILL. (About to exit) A thousand pounds re- ward on me ? (Closes door. Down to R. Back of chair.) OLD SWEETHEART. To which I am justly entitled. JIMMIE. (Crosses to BILL,) Don't mind wot she says. She ayn't near as greedy as she makes out she is. Now you run along she ayn't going to stop you. OLD SWEETHEART. (Over JIM'S shoulder) Yes, I am. ( JIMMIE looks at her.) BILL. (To front) That won't be necessary, Mrs Gubbins. (Turns to JIM.,) I'm going to stay right here. JIMMIE. And wyte to be took? OLD SWEETHEART. Wye not? Ayn't it better to be took wyting than to be caught running? BILL. I'm goin' to give myself up. JIMMIE. That ayn't wot you said when we was in the shell-holes, together. You didn't get cold feet then. At the sight of about forty 'uns chargin ! "Ply the game" that's wot you said. And we (}id till we couldn't ply it any longer. THREE LIVE GHOSTS C*ILL. This is different not that kind of a game and Fve no right to drag you into it. JIMMIE. Oh, I ayn't particular a fight's a fight --to 'ell with wot it's about. BILL. (To JiMj No, my mind's made up. (To front.) I'm going to surrender. OLD SWEETHEART. (Who has been listening with much approval.) Jimmie! You listen to 'im and you won't go wrong. BILL. (To front) Thanks, Mrs. Gubbins. (To JIMMIED And Jimmie, you listen to your mother. JIMMIE. (Pause) Oh! Well, it ayn't no funeral of mine. OLD SWEETHEART. It ayn't no funeral it's the law JIMMIE. (Nasty tone) All of a sudden you got law on the bryne. OLD SWEETHEART. Right's right, Jimmie, and as General Booth used to sye, "I refuse to compromis- ing with the devil." JIMMIE. (To BILLJ A little while ago you said you were going to fight it out here. Wot myde you change your mind so suddenly ? OLD SWEETHEART. (To JIM.,) You 'eard wot 'e said. Are you tryin' to talk 'm out of hit again? f JIM, disgusted, goes to window.) BILL. (Crosses to OLD SWEETHEART ) Don't be afraid, Mrs. Gubbins. Nobody is going to talk me out of it. OLD SWEETHEART. That's right. Be firm. BILL. I'm perfectly willing to let you give me \\p and get the money. OLD SWEETHEART. I knew I was going to like you. BILL. But there's something I'm going to aak you, Mrs. Gubbins, OLD SWEETHEART. Eh? THREE LIVE GHOSTS 35 BILL. I want half the reward. OLD SWEETHEART. 'Alf my reward 1 You asks me to give you 'alf of my reward? Impossible! Couldn't be done! BILL. It's better to take half than get nothing. OLD SWEETHEART. It's the first time I ever 'eard of a desperate criminal clyming 'alf 'is own reward. BILL. I'm not asking this for myself. There's a little girl upstairs that's up against it I want to do something for her. OLD SWEETHEART. (Outraged) 'Alf my reward to 'er? (Sarcastically.) Oh, I like that! That's even worse! BILL. I'm not going to argue about it, Mrs. Gub- bins. Either you agree to turn over half the money to Miss Gordon, or you'll never give me up. OLD SWEETHEART. It's robbery! Plain 'ighwys robbery ! I won't submit to it ! BILL. Very well, then, good-bye. (Going to c. door R.^ Good-bye, Jimmie ! OLD SWEETHEART. (Quickly crosses to c. door R. Stops BILL.J Wyte! Wyte! If you insist on Miss Gordon cheating me out of 'alf my reward, she shall 'ave it. fBiLL closes door.) JIMMIE. (To BILL coming down c.) You don't think that little girl would touch any of that money, do you? OLD SWEETHEART. I 'ope not ! BILL. (Crosses to JIMMIED I want her to get it so she doesn't know where it comes from. JIMMIE. 'Ow do you think you can manage that? OLD SWEETHEART. (Coming down R.J I 'ave it. Hi'll pye it over to 'er in h'installments. Hi'll leave it in J er room, a shillin' a week. BILL. Look here, Jimmie. I'm going to ask you to do me one last favor. There isn't time now to figure things out. I want you to promise me to get 36 THREE LIVE GHOSTS uilf that reward from your mother and get it to Miss Gordon somehow. Will you do that for me, Jimmie ? JIMMIE. No. I can't stop you from giving your- self h'up ; but none of that money will pass through my 'ands. And that's final, Bill. (Turns L.) BILL. I understand the way you feel about it, Jimmie. But I'm going through, and I know you well enough to feel that when that reward is paid over you'll see that Miss Gordon gets her share of it. (To OLD SWEETHEART, crosses to R.j Come on, Mrs. Gubbins. Where do we go for that reward? Scotland Yard? OLD SWEETHEART. (Quickly) Oh, no, you mustn't go there, they'd be claiming it. It's the police in America, wot's offering it, and we 'ave to go to the gentleman wot was 'ere. BILL. Who was he? OLD SWEETHEART, 'E 'ad a bowler 'at and nice eyes. And *e was most particular about comin' to 'hn if I 'eard (Bows.) BILL. What's his name ? OLD SWEETHEART. I forgot. BILL. What was his address. OLD SWEETHEART. I can't remember it's in the pyper! That I put here (Crosses to closet, looking.) Why, where is it ? I'm sure I put it there. I I saved it especially. (In agitated tones.) It seems gone ! (With consternation.) JIMMIE. You mean the pyper with reward in it is gone ? OLD SWEETHEART. (Almost beside herself) Yes. Somebody stole it. JIMMIE. And you don't know the nyme of the man wot brought it? OLD SWEETHEART. No. JIMMIE. (To front) Now, ayn't that lucky. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 37 OLD SWEETHEART, Lucky- BILL. Do you mean that old newspaper that was in the cupboard? OLD SWEETHEART. That's it Do you know what's become of it? BILL. Yes. I took it. OLD SWEETHEART. (Crosses to BILL,) You? You got no right to it. It's my pyper and I wants it. BILL. I'm sorry I haven't got it. OLD SWEETHEART. Wot did you do with it? BILL. I wrapped it around a piece of china that Miss Gordon was taking out to sell. JIMMIE. Did you know what it was? BILL. No. (Crosses to JIMMIE.) OLD SWEETHEART. You sye Miss Gordon took It away with 'er ? (Follows BILL.) BILL. Yes. OLD SWEETHEART. Where did she tyke it to? BILL. I don't know. JIMMIE. 'Ow long 'as she been gone? BILL. Only a few minutes. OLD SWEETHEART. Hi'll find 'er. (Starts for the c. door R. BILL crosses R.) There ayn't nobody goin' to tyke my reward from me. JIMMIE. (Catches OLD SWEETHEART at door, bringing her to chair L. of table) Sit down. OLD SWEETHEART. I don't want to sit down. JIMMIE. Sit down. OLD SWEETHEART. I won't sit down. (Sits.) JIMMIE. You ayn't goin' to give 'im up, and you ayn't goin' to touch no reward. Make up your mind to that. OLD SWEETHEART. Hi never changes my mind. (Rises.) JIMMIE. Sit down 38 THREE LIVE GHOSTS Miss WOOFERS. (Enters from kitchen) Dinner's ready. JIMMIE. Bill, go and call Spoofy. fBiLL exits door R.J Lay the table, Peg ("Miss WOOFERS exit kitchen. JIMMIE crosses to R. of table; as he is doing so OLD SWEETHEART grumbles to herself, about to sit. BILL enters door Rj BILL. Jimmy, Spoofy's gone. OLD SWEETHEART. See, and her one's gone. (Rises, sneaks off, c. door R.) JIMMIE. What do you mean? BILL. The window was open, he must have gone that way. JIMMIE. Blyme BILL. We can't let him wander around loose. fMiss WOOFERS enters from kitchen with tray of dishes, etc.) JIMMIE. It's up to us to find him. Come on, quick. CJiMMiE and BILL go to c. door R, Get hats off rack.) Miss WOOFERS. Jimmie JIMMIE. Hello. Miss WOOFERS. Where are you going? JIMMIE. To find Spoofy. Miss WOOFERS. What about the tripe ?/ JIMMIE. Damn the tripe. (Exit JIMMIE, BILL, c. door "Si.) CURTAIN ACT TWO SCENE: Same as Act One. TIME : The following morning. DISCOVERED: OLD SWEETHEART seated on a chair near the open door leading into the hall. She is tired and sleepy and looks as if she had been sitting there all night. BILL is standing near the window, the panes of which are thick with fog. JIMMIE is at breakfast table, finishing break- fast. The other two have either eaten or don't care to eat. . . . JIMMIE'S coat on back of chair head of table. JIMMIE. (Stuffing himself to BILL.) Fog lift- in'? BILL. (At window) No. JIMMIE. Gives me the shivers! BILL. We should have known better than to leave him in that room alone. JIMMIE. Who the 'ell would expect 'im to jump out of the window? OLD SWEETHEART. Oh, 'e was a nut! But, 'er, going out with the china-bowl and not comin' back ! JIMMIE. I'm thinking of Spoofy, poor old chap! OLD SWEETHEART. An' I'm thinkin' of the news- pyper, wot she took an' 'asn't brought back. JIMMIE. Maybe they've got 'im in a hospital and are cutting 'im up. (Bus. with knife.) OLD SWEETHEART. Maybe she fell off the em- bankment and the newspyper's drowned. 39 40 THREE LIVE GHOSTS BILL. Oh, they'll both turn up all right I liope. OLD SWEETHEART. 'Oping don't get you nowhere. JIMMIE. (Fork in air, mouth full of food) Well, it don't cost you nothin' to 'ope. OLD SWEETHEART. (Mournfully) A thousand pounds lost ! JIMMIE. Oh! Forget it! OLD SWEETHEART. But I can't! BILL. Don't be cross with her. OLD SWEETHEART. Tyke example of 'im ! (Miss WOOFERS starts from upstairs.) JIMMIE. 'Im? 'E'd be shaken 'ands with the 'angman! (Enter Miss WOOFERS with the morning paper and tray, crosses to table upper R. end.) Miss WOOFERS. 'Ere, Jimmie, 'ere's the mornin' pyper. JIMMIE. (Takes paper) Thanks! Miss WOOFERS. 'Ave you 'card anything from J im? BILL. Not a word. OLD SWEETHEART. (Mournfully) It ayn't wot's 'appened to 'im. It's wot's 'appened to 'er. Miss WOOFERS. (Crosses R. to OLD SWEETHEART) Ma says that young lady, Miss Gordon, didn't come 'ome all night. Ma was wytin' for the rent. BILL. (To PEG) Probably she didn't have the money. If anything has happened to her, your mother is to blame. Miss WOOFERS. (To BILL) Ma says she would- n't wonder if it wasn't the first time she styde o 1 ^ all night. OLD SWEETHEART. It wouldn't 'ave been so bad if she 'adn't taken the newspyper. JIMMIE. Yes ; that's what made it worse! Fancy stying out all night, with a newspyper. (Drinks out of saucer.) THREE LIVE GHOSTS 41 OLD SWEETHEART. Your ma should be more careful ! Didn't she 'ave references when she came 'ere? Miss WOOFERS. (Goes to front of table. Sepa- rates breakfast things) I'll take the breakfast things. (Puts white dishes on tray. OLD SWEETHEART goes to R. of table, picks up small cream pitcher.) That belongs to ma. (Takes cream pitcher from OLD SWEETHEART.^ OLD SWEETHEART. (Loftily) I ayn't tryin' to keep it. Miss WOOFERS. Ma's particular to get things back. (Crosses to c. door Rj OLD SWEETHEART. (Huffed) So I 'ave noticed. (Has white sugar bowl.) Miss WOOFERS. (To OLD SWEETHEART,) So kind of you to 'elp. (Exit c. door R. Goes upstairs.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Loftily, still huffed by the imputation she wished to appropriate the cream pitcher) Don't mention it. (Goes to door with sugar bowl, looking back to few things left on table.) Those belong in my kitchen. BILL. I'll attend to them. (Going to table.) (OLD SWEETHEART exits door leading into hall and upstairs, leaves door open. BILL starts for kitchen with dishes. JIMMIE looks at paper, sings.) JIMMIE. "He took her by the lily white 'and, He kissed her cheeks and chin ; He waited till the tide came in (Up) and gently pushed her in." (Gives exclamation.) Bill, I sye, Bill ! BILL (At kitchen door 4 ) Eh? What is it? (Enters, bringing tray, closes door. BILL to back of table, puts dishes on tray during conversation.) 42 THREE LIVE GHOSTS JIMMIE. (Indicating paper) Look at this. (BiLL mechanically looks over paper.) BILL. (Reading) "Kidnapping Burglary Rob- bery Kensington Gardens " JIMMIE. (Shaking head) It's very strange! BILL. What's strange? JIMMIE. 'E disappears and look wot 'appens. (Tapping paper.) BILL. Oh, robberies happen every day. JIMMIE. But, this ayn't no ordinary robbery! It's a big affair. 7 'as a 'unch they ayn't nobody but Spoof y could pull off a job like this ! 'Im with 'is 'ead for crime! BILL. (Uneasily) Nonsense ! JIMMIE. Kensington Gardens? Wasn't it there 'e wanted to turn into a 'ouse? BILL. I don't know. He wanted to turn into so many houses, I couldn't keep track of them. JIMMIE. Wot else does it sye? BILL. (Reading) "A liberal reward will be offered." OLD SWEETHEART. (Outside by stairs) All right, Miss Woofers ! (Leaves door open.) JIMMIE. "Reward" 'ide it! (Hurriedly hides paper as OLD SWEETHEART enters c. door R., crosses to L. of table. JIMMIE puts on coat, crosses R. BILL up to window.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Looking about) Anything in the morning pyper ? JIMMIE. (Hastily shoving paper in pocket) Not a thing. BILL. No news. OLD SWEETHEART. Not like that other news- pyper ! I almost 'ad it on the tip of me tongue, the name of the man wot brought it ! JIMMIE. (During following conversation OLD THREE LIVE GHOSTS 43 SWEETHEART and JIMMIE clear the table of every- thing) You did? OLD SWEETHEART. Yes ; it began with a "B." JIMMIE. (Hastily) Beans? That's it Mr. Beans ! OLD SWEETHEART. It had two syllables. JIMMIE. Baked beans! OLD SWEETHEART. That wasn't it. (Removes table cloth.) JIMMIE. Don't worry and don't think too 'ard OLD SWEETHEART. I'm too tired to think. (Exit OLD SWEETHEART in kitchen with breakfast things. BILL opens door for her, then closes it.) JIMMIE. (Crosses, sits chair R., pause) Bill! It's up to us to see nothing 'appens to Spoofy. BILL. (Crosses to him) Of course! But the problem is to find him. JIMMIE. (Hopefully) Mybe, 'e'll find us. BILL. Let me hope so. (Thoughtfully crosses to table, sits on R. side.) I have heard that those who suffer from shell-shock sometimes get back to nor- mal if they receive another shock. In that case, he might forget to hunt us up. JIMMIE. Let us pray 'e styes barmy. 'E was so 'appy without 'is brynes! Why, it would break 'is heart to be shoved in jail. BILL. I'm still hoping he didn't do this. JIMMIE. Oh ! It's a safe bet. Look what a night it was for a crime fog thick as pea-soup. Why, I can just see him now, jumpin' out the window, creeping along stealthily like, smiling as 'e picks out some place to rob. BILL. The crockery man said Miss Gordon hadn't been there. I wonder what could have happened to her. (Coming to front of table.) JIMMIE. Oh! She could have been in a dozen places. 44 THREE LIVE GHOSTS (Ou) SWEETHEART enters from kitchen, closes door.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Very happy, smiling) I 'as an idea. (Coming down L.) JIMMIE. Then something's sure to 'appen. OLD SWEETHEART. I knows how'to get back the pyper. JIMMIE. How? fBiLL up L. to back of table.) OLD SWEETHEART. We'll offer a reward for it. JIMMIE. Another reward! OLD SWEETHEART. (Crosses to R. to JIMMIE.,) I'll offer 'arf a crown for an old newspyper that only costs a penny. fRosE passes the open door toward stairs, sees BILL starts upstairs. OLD SWEETHEART sees her.) 'Ere she is ! Miss Gordon ! (Rushes to door and seizes ROSE.) Now I don't 'ave to waste 'arf a crown for it. Come in you must come in I won't tyke "no" for an answer. (Leads her down R. BILL places chair for her from R. of table. He stays c.) My, you do look tired ! fRosE sits. OLD SWEETHEART on R. of ROSE. Sharply.) Wot 'as become of hit? ROSE. It? OLD SWEETHEART. The newspyper. ROSE. Newspaper? OLD SWEETHEART. The bit of china was wrapped in? JIMMIE. Don't tell her, Miss. It's none of her business. OLD SWEETHEART. It was my pyper. Stolen hout of this 'ouse, and I demands to know wot's become of hit. ROSE. If you mean the piece of paper the china bowl was wrapped in I had bad luck with it. BILL. Bad luck? ROSE. I slipped and broke the bowl. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 45 OLD SWEETHEART. That was very bad luck. But it ayn't so much wot's 'appened to the bowl. Hit's wot's become of the newspyper. ROSE. I left it with the pieces. f Miss WOOFERS starts from upstairs.) OLD SWEETHEART. Where was that? ROSE. In front of the little tobacco shop this side of Twichenham Court Road. (Enter Miss WOOFERS stays up back.) OLD SWEETHEART. Did you leave it on the pave- ment? ROSE. I pushed the lot with my feet into the street. OLD SWEETHEART. Into the street? Oh, my 'eart! ("OLD SWEETHEART staggers. JIMMIE catches her.) JIMMIE. It's gone. (Makes faces at her.) ROSE. (Quietly studying her) Is anything the matter, Mrs. Gubbins? OLD SWEETHEART. (Wailing) Wot could have become of hit since? ROSE. Really - (Looks at BILL looks away.) I'm afraid I can't tell you. Gone the way of all broken things, I suppose. BILL. (Low) I'm sorry. ROSE. Are you? (Steals look $t him.) Well, most of my little capital went into it. (She says this as if it didn't matter.) Miss WOOFERS. (Coming down, crosses to L. of ROSE) Then you didn't bring back the rent? ROSE. (In a tired voice, head down) No. OLD SWEETHEART. I ayn't worryin' about that. You're sure you didn't bring back the newspyper? 46 THREE LIVE GHOSTS ROSE. What use would it be to me? Miss WOOFERS. Ma said she'd like the room. JTMMIE. I sye! Miss WOOFERS. Under the circumstances, you've 'avin' been hout all night. ROSE. (Quietly) I believe I was out all night. Miss WOOFERS. Ma syes (Virtuously.) no young unmarried female JIMMIE. (Rises) Wot the 'ell you mean! Miss WOOFERS. Oh, Jimmie! (Crosses to table L. quickly.) ROSE. (Rises ta back of chair) She's quite right. A young unmarried female (Looks at BILL, who gazes away uneasily.) Miss WOOFERS. Ma says it's immortal highly shocking and it is! Ma says turn her out. Ma's right. After all, what does it matter? (Exits c. door R. Leaves door open.) BILL. (Quickly goes to door c. door R.) Rose ! (Coming down.) That gets rid of two of us! OLD SWEETHEART. Eh? BILL. If she goes, I go! OLD SWEETHEART. *(In consternation) But you cawn't go! (Crosses to BILL.,) JIMMIE. (Challengingly) W'y not? OLD SWEETHEART. (To BILL,) We gentlemen would cheat a porr widow hout of a thousand pounds reward. BILL. When Miss Gordon leaves this house, I go, too! OLD SWEETHEART. (Quickly) Then she shan't go! (Crosses to Miss WOOFERS who has entered. BILL goes R. to JIMMIED After all, there might not be no 'arm styeing out all night. She might 'ave been engaged on some errand of mercy like 'ospital nursing! You run along. I'll fix it with your maw. so she can stye! (Miss WOOFERS exits c. door R. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 47 To BiLL.J Mrs. Woofers will tyke my word for 'er, knowin* I'd be that particular vouching for any- one. Besides, somebody worse might move in. (Exit c. door R. and upstairs. Leaves door open.) JIMMIE. (Crosses L., places chair at table, sits on table front. BILL sits chair R.) You think a lot of that little girl, don't you? BILL. Yes, Jimmie. JIMMIE. Tell me, Bill, what's the matter? BILL. Oh, I've been a fool. JIMMIE. Bly'me, you'd have been lonesome if you hadn't. You want to marry her ? BILL. I did. JIMMIE. Why don't you ask her again? Lots more girls than men 'ere now. BILL. That wouldn't make any difference. JIMMIE. All the difference in the world. Now the girls just jump at your 'ead. Bly'me, this is a 'appy country. 'Ave you 'ad a bit of trouble with 'er? BILL. What makes you think that? JIMMIE. Where there's girls, there's generally trouble, especially when they runs around and stops out all night. BILL. Jimmie! (Rises quickly. Pause.) JIMMIE. (Crosses to BILL. BILL goes to ]iu) I'm sorry, Bill. I didn't mean to be funny. Why don't you two go awye together BILL. No, Jimmie. (Looks towards door leading Into hall.) She's pretty nearly down and out that's plain enough. Five hundred pounds would be a godsend to her, Jimmie. (Crosses to L.) We've got to make sure that reward doesn't get away from her. (Enter OLD SWEETHEART coming dawn R.) 48 THREE LIVE GHOSTS OLD SWEETHEART. (To BILL) It** all right. I fixed it up so she can stye. BILL. Good ! I hope you can induce Miss Gor- don to stay. OLD SWEETHEART. Five 'undred pounds ought to be h'inducement enough. ("Miss WOOFERS enters hall, from upstairs.) BILL. Don't you understand? She must never know where the money comes from. JIMMIE. Leave it to 'er not to tell. Miss WOOFERS. (Excitedly; in the hall) *E's coming! 'E's coming! OLD SWEETHEART. Who? The gentleman with the bowler 'at? (Goes to c. door R. and into hall.) Miss WOOFERS. No. Spoofy! (Comes in.) JIMMIE. Spoofy! Good! (Goes up to c. door R. BILL follows.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Who has looked down the stairs.) My God, wot's 'e bringin' with 'im ! (Comes back into room. They line up expectantly.) (Enter SPOOFY, with aristocratic perambulator and baby in it. Balloons are fastened to the peram- bulator, with silly smile and vacuous expression, SPOOFY wears a stunning shiny, high silk hat; pauses with perambulator down stage and sur- veys it with a rapt expression. BILL closes door c. D. R. All follow SPOOFY down stage. BILL crosses to L. JIMMIE on L. of SPOOFY.) SPOOFY. (Wiping perspiration off face.) I've got back. OLD SWEETHEART. (Peering into perambulator) Wot a beautiful baby! ("R. of baby carriage. Miss R. of OLD SWEETHEART.) ON O O H THREE LIVE GHOSTS 49 SPOOFY. (Proudly) Jolly littla chap. Took to me right away. JIMMIE. I should sye you took 'im! SPOOFY. For a little airing ! JIMMIE. At what time? SPOOFY. Midnight or thereabouts. BILL. Where'd you get it? SPOOFY. Nursery. BILL. Whose where ? SPOOFY. I've forgotten. BILL. (Earnestly) Try to think. SPOOFY. (Helplessly) Can't. I didn't steal it. (Eagerly.) JIMMIE. No? SPOOFY. He asked to be taken out ! JIMMIE. (Making funny sound) In wot lang- widge ? SPOOFY. He crowed. JIMMIE. To be taken for an airing at midnight? SPOOFY. Yes. And he put out his little arms so (Extends long arms with silly smile.) JIMMIE. (Surveying him) Oh! (Crosses to L. and upstage.) BILL. (Crosses to SPOOFYJ This is serious busi- ness. Now, Spoofy, I want you to listen to me. SPOOFY. (Plaintively) Are you going to be cross with me? BILL. (Sternly) How did you get into the house ? Where was the house ? JIMMIE. What kind of a 'ouse was it? SPOOFY. A big house ! (Brightening.) I remem- ber that, because the baby looked so small and lone- some in it. BILL. (Impatiently) You got in! How did you get out? SPOOFY. Side entrance. Very quiet! (Fingers on lips.) Little chap seemed to know. So THREE LIVE GHOSTS JIMMIE. 'Elpin' at 'is own kidnappin' ! SPOOFY. (Confidently) I thought he'd make a nice little pal for Jimmie. (JiMMiE, with gesture of disgust, turns away and upstage.) BILL. (To SPOOFY j Well, you got out. What did you do then? SPOOFY. (Happy smile) We perambulated! BILL. All night? SPOOFY. Oh, no. We camped out later in the park. JIMMIE. In the park? SPOOFY. Yes ! Some Lung seemed to enjoy it ! JIMMIE. Some Lung! (Crosses to baby, looks baby over.) What you got, a Chinese baby ? SPOOFY. I call him Some Lung on account of his beautiful voice! JIMMIE. (Ominously) I'm glad 'e 'ad a good time. SPOOFY. Oh, the jolliest time! In the morning a great big woolly sheep came up. (Looks between JIMMIE and BiLL.J Some Lung wanted to play with him. I tried to bring it along. JIMMIE. A sheep! SPOOFY. Yes, but it butted ! So we bought a few other things. (Takes Jumping Jack out of carriage.) I tried to buy a monkey, but the man wouldn't sell that. JIMMIE. (Shaking head) You don't need a mon- key. BILL. What were you going to buy it with? SPOOFY. (Surprised; puts Jumping Jack back) Money. JIMMIE. You had some money? SPOOFY. Of course. I've got plenty of money. (Takes out English notes wads of bills ) Miss WOOFERS. My Gawd! 'E's robbed the Bank of England ! THREE LIVE GHOSTS 51 BILL. (To SFOOFYJ Whart did you tak that money from? SPOOFY. The safe. JIMMIE. How? SPOOFY. Just helped myself. JIMMIE. Oh! Just like that so simple. (Busi- ness.) BILL. You opened the safe? SPOOFY. Naturally. JIMMIE. I should sye, unnaturally. BILL. Is that money all you took from the safe ? SPOOFY. (Smiling) Oh, no. I shoves a few knick-knacks into my pocket. (Takes jewels out of right hand pocket and gives them to OLD SWEET- HEART.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Taking jewels) Ayn't they beautiful ! SPOOFY. Here's some more! (Takes diamond broach from his left hand pocket and gives it to OLD SWEETHEART.^ OLD SWEETHEART. (Takes jewels from SPOOFY ) I wonder wot Vd bring back if 'e went out again? (Putting jewels in her apron pocket; to PEG) I 'as always dreamed of wearing diamonds! BILL. This is serious business. JIMMIE. (To OLD SWEETHEART,) Mother! Give them back to him. OLD SWEETHEART. (Tossing her head) Ther verry idea! SPOOFY. (Intervening with yawn) Let her have them! JIMMIE. (Disgusted) What do you think of that? SPOOFY. I'm getting tired. Feel sleepy. Believe I could do with a nap. BILL. Yes, you've earned a rest SPOOFY. Where's that bed? 5^ THREE LIVE GHOSTS Ou> SWEETHEART. Right thi wye. It tyn*t a vcrry comfortable bed fMiss. WOOFERS up R. Points SPOOFY to door R. Exit SPOOFY.^ JIMMIE. Maybe more comfortable than the one he's likely to get. OLD SWEETHEART. (Crossing to door R.,) If he 'as any more jewels in 'is pockets, I think 'e'll sleep much better without them. (Exits door R.) Miss WOOFERS. (Goes to the baby carriage) Real lace! JIMMIE. Peggy, you come awye ! (Takes her up a little.) This ayn't no place for you. Run along upstairs and if anybody arsks you any questions, you don't know nothing. Understand? Be careful what you sye. There's going to be some trouble down here, and they ayn't no use of you gettin' into it. Miss WOOFERS. But I don't want to run upstairs. Hit's so nice and hexcitin' down here. JIMMIE. (Crosses to RILL) Ayn't that just like a woman? (Disgusted.) If there's anything going on she wants to poke 'er nose in it. (Crosses to Miss WOOFERS.^ Will you do as you're told? Go on upstairs and keep your big mouth shut. Miss WOOFERS. Oh, all right ! (Exit c. door R. and upstairs. JIMMIE closes door, comes down c. to baby carriage.) BILL. (Crosses to JIMMIE) Perhaps he'll remem- ber more when he wakes up. JIMMIE. I 'as my doubts. BILL. I think we know pretty well where he got them, anyhow. JIMMIE. Didn't I sye so? BILL. Yes, you called the turn. I wonder how he escaped the police ? JIMMIE. Oh ! Just crazy man's luck ! Besides, look how thick the fog was. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 53 (Enter OLD SWEETHEART door R. Closes door.) OLD SWEETHEART. Look wot I found in 'is boots ! (Displays string of pearls. JIM M IE groans.) JIMMIE. 'E gave you that, too? OLD SWEETHEART. 'E's the most kind-'earted gentleman I ever met. (Puts string of pearls around neck.) BILL. He'd give anything away. (Goes up L. to head of table.) OLD SWEETHEART. Now I've got 'im sleeping so peacefully, I'll 'ave a look at the little dear. (Crosses to perambulator.) JIMMIE. (Sits on table, bitterly) "Little dear" 'E ayn't even worryin' ! BILL. (Gravely) There are those that are! OLD SWEETHEART. (To baby, frivolously) Goo- goo! JIMMTE. Aw! Shut up! OLD SWEETHEART. Don't you love bybies, Jim- mie? JIMMIE. No. OLD SWEETHEART. You was such a sweet baby yourself. Give me a nice fat baby and a bottle of gin, and I'm 'appy ! (Looks at baby.) 'Ow I shall love it ! (Takes baby out of carriage.) JIMMIE. She talks as if she was goin' to keep it too. OLD SWEETHEART. (Tranquilly) Why not? JIMMIE. Wot about the real mother? OLD SWEETHEART. (Calmly) Oh! She can get 'erself some more ! Goo-goo ! Goo-goo ! (Bus. with baby. OLD SWEETHEART looks around startled, then quickly exits down L. with baby. BILL laughs L.C. JI^IMIE takes carriage off stage, re-enter JIMMIE, closes door Lj JIMMIE. (Crosses to BILL) This is no laughing 54 THREE LIVE GHOSTS matter. You know you get a lifer under the English law for kidnappin'. BILL. Oh, he didn't know what he was doing ! JIMMIE. But we ayn't cryzy. We can't make that excuse. BILL. What did we have to do with it? JIMMIE. And we're 'arborin' the kid and the jewels. If they found them 'ere, remember, we'll all go h'up. BILL. That's right. JIMMIE. (Crosses L. a little beyond table, looking toward door L.) And another thing. There's an- other worrying 'erself to death over that kid and that mother ain't goin' to worry a moment longer if I can 'elp it. (Crosses to R. Sits on table.) BILL. (Crosses to JIMMIED Yes, we've got to get it back. Fortunately we have the address. Ken- sington Gardens. What's the matter? JIMMIE. (Looks at paper) 413. BILL. Well, I'll take it back. (Starts to door L.) JIMMIE. (Stops him) No ; that's my job. BILL. You'd risk being nabbed. JIMMIE. To 'ell with the risk! BILL. It won't do. I owe that much to poor old Spoofy. Besides if I get pinched it won't so much matter. I'm wanted anyway. JIMMIE. I'll tyke the baby; leave hit at the side door, ring the bell, and scoot like 'ell ! If I'm lucky. I'll get awye in the fog! If I'm took, I tells a straight yarn, and throws myself on the mercy of the court. Meanwhile you maykes your get-awyel H'out of the country. BILL. No, Jimmie, you're clean and I might as well be sent up for this as what I did on the other side. JIMMIE. No, Bill, you can't take a chance of be- ing nabbed. It ayn't so much for me or yourself or THREE LIVE GHOSTS 55 Spoof y there's somebody else you've got to think of ! That poor little girl upstairs, wot's going to become of her? BILL. (Sadly) Yes what is going to become of her? (Crosses to R. a little.) JIMMIE. (Crosses to BILLJ Inside of jail you couldn't J elp 'er, but outside, you've both got a chance, it's up to you. BILL. (Moved) But Jim - JIMMIE. There's no but about hit. I'm going to tyke care of this kid (Indicating door L.J you tyke care of the other one. (Goes to c. door R. Calls) Miss Gordon. fBiLL goes to R.) ROSE. (Upstairs) Yes. JIMMIE. Come down here a minute, will you? (Goes down stage to front of table. ROSE enters, goes to JIMMIE. After closing door, JIMMIE to RosE.J I got something to arsk you and I wants a straight h'answer. Wot did you do with that pyper ? ROSE. Why, I told you. JIMMIE. Never mind wot you told them. Hi's arsking you to tell me the truth. BILL. (Crosses to L. To ROSE and JIM) Now, Jimmie, why do you persist JIMMIE. (To BILL^ Because I ayn't goin* to see you be given up for no reward. (To RosE.J You've read it 'aven't you? ROSE. (Pause) Yes. JIMMIE. I thought so. Then you know there's a thousand pounds reward out for him, and 'e wanted to give 'imself up so you could get 'arf of it. ROSE. (To JIMMIED Do you think I'd touch any of that reward? JIMMIE. I know you wouldn't and I told him so. 'E wanted to get hit to you without you knowin' it, ROSE. (To BILL,) Do you think so little of me? S 6 THREE LIVE GHOSTS JIMMIE. Oh, 'e meant well. Now where is that pyper ? (Ross takes paper from her pocket.) BILL. Then you had it all the time? (RosE nods her head "Yes?') JIMMIE. Wot are you goin' to do with it ? (RosE tears the paper; BILL tries to stop her; JIMMIE stops BILL. Indicates torn paper.) May I 'ave them? ("RosE gives them to JIMMIE. BILL goes up Rj Whatever Vs done on the other side, 'e more than made up for out there. If you two went a wye together well, it might be the best for everybody. (Crosses to L.) ROSE. (Goes to JIMMIE, touches shoulder) It must be wonderful to have a friend like you ! JIMMIE. It's up to you, Miss, to keep 'im out of trouble. Will you? (Exits L. door. Closes door. ROSE crosses slowly to door L., thinking, turns look- ing for BILL, sees him.) ROSE. Bill, who's offering this reward? BILL. (Goes to L. table) It's an insurance com- pany in America. ROSE. Why an insurance company? BILL. They insured some bonds against theft. They paid the loss about $60,000. They'll never let up till they get me. ROSE. I just can't believe that you would (Crosses to table L V sits.) BILL. Steal? ROSE. No ; you couldn't. (RosE sits L. of table.) BILL. A fellow will do a lot of things when he's hard pressed. I'd gotten into an awful mess at school, gambling, debts, I.O.U.'s I went to Dad's office to make a clean breast of it. He wasn't in ; there was some bonds on his desk. I just had to have money so I took them ; that night I got drunk. When I woke up, I realized what I'd done. I de- termined to return the bonds, but I couldn't they THREE LIVE GHOSTS 57 were gone. Then I saw dad I told him they were gone. He wouldn't believe me. He was furious. He called on the insurance company for the money for the bonds and told me to face the music. Well, they got out the warrant and I got out of the coun- try, shipped on board a cattle boat for England, and enlisted then I managed to get myself gassed, but just my luck they brought me around and carted me to a German prison camp. Then I escaped and came back here. That's all. (Crosses back to table to chair at fireplace.) ROSE. (Rises) Why didn't you tell me this be- fore? BILL. (Goes to RosEj I never expected to come back, and I wanted you to think of me well, as a fellow wants the girl he loves to think of him. ROSE. I told you I'd wait for you. BILL. Will you still take a chance? I don't ask you to marry the boy that made a fool of himself on the other side that boy's dead. ROSE. Billy, I know he is. BILL. Will you go away with me? ROSE. Yes; far away and you'll start all new, and I'll be there to help. (They embrace. Kiss. Two loud knocks on the door c. D. R.j Who is it? BRIGGS. ( Off stage) An officer of the law. (HosE looks at BILL. BILL stands regarding her.) ROSE. ( Gets BILL off door L., closes door) Come in ! (She stands by door. Enter Detective BRIGGS c. door R V closes door.) BRIGGS. (At door) Are you Mrs. Gubbins? ROSE. No. BRIGGS. Where is she? ROSE. She's gone out. BRIGGS. How soon will she return? ROSE. I don't know. 5 8 THREE LIVE GHOSTS BRIGGS. I'll wait for her. (Looks about the room coming down a little Rj ROSE. I'm sorry, but you can't wait here. BRIGGS. Why not? ROSE. I'm expecting somebody. Some one on very important business. BRIGGS. May I ask who you are? ROSE. I live here. BRIGGS. I'm from Scotland Yard. I'm looking for an American named Foster, also known as Will- iam Jones. The landlady told me I might find him up here. Have you seen him? ROSE. No. BRIGGS. You are certain? ROSE. Yes. BRIGGS. Would you know him if you saw him? ROSE. Why? BRIGGS. That's neither here nor there. The point is, I'm looking for him and if you have any infor- mation as to his whereabouts, it may save you trouble if you give it to me now. ROSE. (Crossing to R. a little) I have no infor- mation to give. BRIGGS. (Hangs hat on rack, crossing R.) Very good. In that case, I'll stay here and keep you com- pany for a bit. ROSE. (Crossing to R. on front of table) But I tell you, you can't stay here. BRIGGS. (Crossing to chair. Moves it into posi- tion) I heard you the first time. (Sits in chair R.) ROSE. You have no right to intrude here. (Cross- ing to BRIGGS goes to c.v.) Please go. (Opens door to shut him out. BENSON crosses door in the hall. ROSE sees him.) Oh ! I see you've brought a friend with you. BRIGGS. (Pause) I suppose you've no objections to my looking about a bit. (Rises, starts to D.R.J THREE LIVE GHOSTS 55 ROSE. (Quickly coming down R.J You will have to see Mrs. Gubbins about that. BRIGGS. (Crosses to L.) And you don't know when she'll be back? ROSE. (Crossing L. to BRIGGSJ I don't. And I wouldn't be at liberty to show you around. BRIGGS. My dear young woman, you won't have to show me. (Starts toward L. As he does so, OLD SWEETHEART enters D.L. Closes door. She's wear- ing all jewels taken from SPOOFY and cloak or shawl over them. Crosses to BRIGGS.,) Mrs. Gubbins? OLD SWEETHEART. I beg pardon BRIGGS. Are you Mrs. Gubbins? OLD SWEETHEART. Yes. BRIGGS. (To ROSE,) I thought you said she was out? ROSE. (Confused) I thought she had gone. She is just going, you see. BRIGGS. (As if not quite satisfied) I called, Mrs. Gubbins, to ask you about an American. (OLD SWEETHEART involuntarily stiffens.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Cautiously) An American? BRIGGS. He enlisted under the name of Jones. OLD SWEETHEART. Verry common nyme! BRIGGS. True! But do you happen to know him? OLD SWEETHEART. 'Ow should I? (Cautiously) Why do you want to know? BRIGGS. I'm from Scotland Yard ! OLD SWEETHEART. (Gazes at him with strong disfavor) Oh ! From Scotland Yard ! Well, I got to go out. (Starts up stage.) BRIGGS. (Steps up) The landlady told me ROSE. (Anxiously intervening) I have already told the gentleman, the American isn't here. (To OLD SWEETHEART.) OLD SWEETHEART. And quite right ! There ayn't fc> THREE LIVE GHOSTS no one here, with a reward on 'im for Scotland Yard! BRIGGS. (Looking at her) Who said anything about a reward? I'll take a look about! (Starts L.) OLD SWEETHEART. Not in my 'ouse. (ROSE shows she approves of this stand.) An English- man's 'ome is 'is castle ! BRIGGS. (With a smile) Quite true ! Of course, if you object? OLD SWEETHEART. I does ! I stands up for my rights ! ROSE. (Quickly) Quite right, Mrs. Gubbins. (BRIGGS gives her an angry glance.) OLD SWEETHEART. 'As you a search warrant? BRIGGS. (Sourly) I have not. OLD SWEETHEART. Then that settles it. There's your wye out ! (Points to the door C.D.R.J BRIGGS. Oh, very well. I suppose you're within your rights. (Turning up, starts to go.) OLD SWEETHEART. I'm very particular wot com- pany I receive! (Assumes majestic attitude, in do- ing which shaivl comes open and reveals jewels with which she is bedecked.) BRIGGS. (Staring at jewels, coming toward her) What are these? OLD SWEETHEART. (Loftily) Family heirlooms ! (Ross, too f regards her with surprise.) BRIGGS. (Hesitating) Cheap imitations, I sup- pose? OLD SWEETHEART. (Indignantly) Who syes they're himitations? BRIGGS. Aren't they? OLD SWEETHEART. (Same tone) Himitations! I should sye not! Indeed! ROSE. (Trying to save the situation) Of course they're imitations. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 61 OLD SWEETHEART. (Indignantly) There's them wot wears limitations and them wot wears real BRIGGS. (Taking closer look at diamonds) Real oh? Sunburst set with diamonds (Takes poper from pocket and looks at it, comparing what he reads with the jewels worn by OLD SWEETHEART,) Pearl neck Here, here ! (Significantly) Where'd you get them? The truth now! (Sternly.) OLD SWEETHEART. They were given me by a verry kind gentleman. BRIGGS. When did the kind gentleman give them to you? OLD SWEETHEART. Only to-dye. BRIGGS. You'd better take them off! OLD SWEETHEART. (Expostulating) Tyke them off! BRIGGS. You're going with me ! OLD SWEETHEART. Wot for? BRIGGS. Oh, you don't know ? Where's the baby ? OLD SWEETHEART. (Hiding bottle in dress) Byby? I don't know what you're talking about. BRIGGS. How about the bottle? OLD SWEETHEART. (Showing baby's milk bottle) That? Oh, that was for gin. (Baby cries off stage. JIMMIE ad libs to baby off stage. BRIGGS takes pistol from his pocket. OLD SWEETHEART to L. of table. Enter JIM- MIE. BENSON enters C.D.R. Crosses to table.) BRIGGS. Throw up your hands. JIMMIE. Who are you? BRIGGS. Scotland Yard! Benson! (BENSON crosses to JIMMIE, searches him, then upstage. To JIMMIED I've got you covered. I'm taking no chances. You had your nerve to pull off a job like this! 6a THREE LIVE GHOSTS JiMMiE. I didn't pull off no job, Governor. BRIGGS. Of course not! Those jewels you're not the kind old gentleman that brought them here ? And the baby? I suppose somebody left it on the doorstep and you took it in out of charity. OLD SWEETHEART. That's right! (Coming down.) BRIGGS. Keep quiet. (OLD SWEETHEART gets back.) You didn't expect Scotland Yard to drop in so soon, and, to tell the truth, I didn't expect to fall into anything so gorgeous as this. Now who else is implicated in this affair? (Looks at ROSE. Calls) Benson! Look in there. (Indicates door Lj BENSON. (Crosses to door L. Brings BILL out) Come out here ! (Enter BILL. BENSON frisks him, then upstage.) BRIGGS. (To BILL; Foster! Foster! (Looks at ROSE. ROSE crosses to Rj Looks like my lucky day. Benson, the police van! BENSON. Yes, sir. (Exits C.D.R. Leaves door open.) BRIGGS. I certainly am glad to see you ! (Crosses to FOSTER. OLD SWEETHEART crosses to ROSE, starts talking to her, ad lib. Stops in front of chair R.; Shut up! (OLD SWEETHEART jumps.) Now listen, all of you! I know you're a bad lot. And I'm not going to take any chances. If anyone makes a move, I'm going to shoot first and inquire after- wards. (To OLD SWEETHEART ) Sit down! (She does so.) Take them off. (OLD SWEETHEART takes off her hat; has diamond tiara underneath. BRIGGS startled.) OLD SWEETHEART. Tyke 'em off ? BRIGGS. Take 'em off! (To ROSE) Over there, THREE LIVE GHOSTS 63 you ! (Indicating chair R, of table. ROSE does so. Takes small table by R. door and places it in front of OLD SWEETHEART) Put them there. Hurry up ! Hurry up! (OLD SWEETHEART places them on table one by one. To JIMMIE, crossing to L.) You sit there. (Indicating chair L. of table. JIMMIE sits. To BILL,) You there. (Indicating chair L. BILL sits. Turns to OLD SWEETHEART) All of them. (OLD SWEETHEART places tiara on table. To OLD SWEETHEART ) Get over there. (OLD SWEET- HEART crosses to L., sits in chair L. of table occupied by JIMMIE. He stands back of chair and turns to others) Now, while we're waiting for the van, I'd like a little information. (Enter SPOOFY L. furtively. BRIGGS does not see him as he is facing the other. SPOOFY picks up jewels, puts them into his pocket and exits quietly ond unseen up C.D.R.J Who put up this job? Who put up this job? Those jewels (Turns toward jewels sees they are gone. He is astonished. Stands and stares at the empty table.) CURTAIN ACT THREE SCENE: Same. TIME: Fifteen minutes later. DISCOVERED : Curtain rises on empty stage. BRIGGS enters from kitchen, examining rooms. Bus. with table, places it back by door R. (BENSON enters C.D.R.) BENSON. (Coming down) Can't find anybody who's seen anyone enter or leave the house! BRIGGS. Damn funny ! Where were you ? BENSON. I was telephoning for the van. BRIGGS. She put them down right here. (Points to table where he placed the jewels.) Disappeared right under my nose ! How did it happen ? (Cross- ing to L $> ) BENSON. I can't explain it. BRIGGS. I'm going to find out if I have to choke it out of them. BENSON. Yes, sir. BRIGGS. I can't put the handcuffs on these people and take them down to Scotland Yard and confess that I lost these jewels, after I found them. BENSON. No, sir BRIGGS. I'm going to bluff it out of them. Ill do this on my own. Say nothing about this down at the Yard. Keep the house surrounded and let me know as soon as the police van comes. I O o O THREE LIVE GHOSTS 65 BENSON. Yes, sir. (Crosses to cjxnj Good hick. (Exits CJD.R. closes door.) BRIGGS. Good luck ! (Goes to door L.) Step in here, please. (Goes back to right of table. Enter BILL and ROSE, followed by policeman. To ROSE) Sit down there. (RosE sits L. of table. To BILLY ) You there! (Points to chair L. BILL sits ) Now listen ! Kidnapping isn't a popular crime over here. It's more a continental pastime, where you have plenty of room. This island's too small for that sort of thing. BILL. You accuse us of kidnapping? BRIGGS. (To BILL) It was a pretty slick job. BILL. I don't know anything about it! BRIGGS. (To ROSE) Nor you, either ? ROSE. No. BRIGGS. I suppose not ! (Turning on her rough- ly) Where were you last night? I have it from your landlady you weren't in your room all night. BILL. (Quickly) You don't have to answer that. You can wait until your lawyer advises you. BRIGGS. You know a lot for a kid, don't you? (To ROSE) You don't have to answer. But it will be better for you in the end if you do. BILL. You haven't anything on her. BRIGGS. Haven't, eh ? She tried to steer me from this crib. BILL. That was on my account. It was I got her into this ! Why, man, there isn't a crooked hair on her head. She's on the level. BRIGGS. Then let her answer my question. BILL. Refuse to answer, Rose. ROSE. (Quietly) Why should I? I'm not afraid. BRIGGS. You acknowledge you weren't in your room all night? ROSE. I do. 66 THREE LIVE GHOSTS BRIGGS, Where were you? I want all your movements. ROSE. I went out to sell a china bowl. BRIGGS. Stolen property? BILL. (Rising ) See here you treat her with' respect. BRIGGS. (To BILL; Sit down. (To ROSE) So you went out to sell a china bowl? ROSE. One I had painted. BRIGGS. Well, did you sell it? ROSE. I didn't. It fell and broke. BRIGGS. And after you broke it, what did you do? Keep an appointment with him somewhere? (Indicating BILL.) BILL. No ! (Nasty tone.) BRIGGS. (To BILL) Any more sounds like that from you, and out you go! I'm trying to be nice to you kids. ROSE. I had an appointment with him. BRIGGS. (To ROSE) What? You didn't meet him anywhere last night? (Indicates BILL) Near Kensington Gardens, perhaps? ROSE. I did not. BRIGGS. You were not in the neighborhood of Kensington Gardens, then, last night? ROSE. (Unexpectedly) I was. (BiLL shows great surprise.) BRIGGS. Near the house that was entered? ROSE. Yes. BRIGGS. At what time was this? ROSE. (Pause) I don't know the time; but I was there when it happened.. BILL. (In consternation) Rose you don't know what you are saying ! BRIGGS. Keep still ! (To ROSE ) What were you doing there ? ROSE. I followed someone there. LIVE GHOSTS 67 BRIGGS. Followed ? ROSE. Yes you see, he was suffering from shell- shock. BRIGGS. You followed a man suffering from shell-shock? How did you come to follow him? ROSE. I met him in the fog. I remembered hav- ing seen him before. He almost got run over. I saw he wasn't himself. I was sorry. You see, I helped at nursing during the war and I knew some- thing was wrong. Besides, I was restless myself. BRIGGS. (Incredulously) Go on ! ROSE. We walked and walked. And then he just seemed to disappear in the fog. I couldn't imagine what had become of him. I waited. Then lights began to flash in the house. The police came and then I left. BRIGGS. You didn't wait to tip off the danger- signals ? ROSE. (Wearily) You don't seem to understand. BRIGGS. No, I don't. Well, what did you do then? ROSE. I hardly know. Just kept on going, I guess. I found myself in the neighborhood of a friend of mine. A girl I had known for some time. BRIGGS. Yes ROSE. I went to her room. I was tired my clothes were soaked. Oh, you believe me, don't you ? BRIGGS. Yes I do! (RosE bows her head on table. Shaking head) So you're trying to frame up some mysterious stranger! With shell-shock! Who is he? ROSE. I I (Suddenly) You have no right to question me. I haven't done anything. BILL. (Excitedly, rising) It's outrageous! I won't stand for it! BRIGGS. (Calmly) Oh, you won't stand for it, 68 THREE LIVE GHOSTS eh? You better come across with what you know, if you know what's good for you. BILL. (Crossing to ROSE,) I don't know anything about this affair. (Officer moves a little nearer to BILL.; BRIGGS. (To ROSE) How long have you two been living together? ROSE. How dare you BILL. You wouldn't dare ask that if y6u didn't have a gun in your pocket. BRIGGS. (To BILL) Are you threatening me? BILL. She's been telling you the truth and you haven't sense enough to see it. (To ROSE) Rose, don't answer any more of his questions. He'll only twist and turn everything you say so as to make it look bad for you. BRIGGS. (To ROSE; How do you come to be living in this house? ROSE. I came here hoping possibly he might come here too. I promised to wait for him when he went away, as a soldier. (BRIGGS looks out front.) I thought of him every day and I'm not ashamed to say it I love him. (Turns to BILL.; BILL. Rose! (Puts arm around her.) ROSE. (To BILLJ They may take you away and we may be separated. But I want you to know that I'll wait again, no matter how long. (BiLL em- braces her and kisses her.) BRIGGS. (Turns) Here, here! Where do you think you are? This is a criminal investigation! (To Policeman) Officer, take him away ! (Police- man exits with BILL down L. ROSE starts to -fol- low.) No, I want you. (BRIGGS motions to chair L. of table.) Now see here, young woman, you look to me as if you had sense; but you aren't acting that way. (Sits at table.) Shielding a criminal doesn't pay. Take my advice and break away from THREE LIVE GHOSTS 69 crooks. Tell what you know and you'll find me your friend. ROSE. (Quietly) Thank you. BRIGGS. If you're afraid to talk on account of him, you can rely upon Scotland Yard to protect you. ROSE. I have nothing to say. BRIGGS. You prefer sharing his fate? Going to jail? (Coming down a little \) ROSE. If I have to. (Goes toward BRIGGS. ) BRIGGS. But you don't! Why stick to a crook? ROSE. He isn't that! BRIGGS. (Savagely) I've known girls like you stand by their lovers before, and what did they get for it? When their crook friends get out of jail sugar-plums? (Ironically) No, black eyes and curses ! That's what the crook's girl comes to. ROSE. He is not concerned in this crime. But (Looking at BRIGGS fully) if he were, I wouldn't tell you. BRIGGS. I think I've had enough of your com- pany for now. (Crosses to D.L.J In here, please. (Exit ROSE D.L. BRIGGS closes door. Looks around puzzled. Looks under table. Wanders over to C.D.R. Sees motto over door, "Peace, Perfect Peace'' Crosses to D.R. Opens it.) Come in here you ! (OLD SWEETHEART enters, crossing to front of chair R. She is followed by policeman. BRIGGS crosses to L .) OLD SWEETHEART. (Starts talking outside) An houtrage, that's wot I calls hit! Prisoner in my own 'ouse! I demand 'is instant removal! (Points to Policeman) He may be useful, but 'e ain't orni- mental. BRIGGS. Sit down! You don't seem to realize 70 THREE LIVE GHOSTS the serious position you are in. (OLD SWEETHEART sits, when told, chair Rj OLD SWEETHEART. Oh, don't I? H'all the time I 'as been arsking myself, is this Rooshia, or merry H'England? BRIGGS. I don't think it's going to be very merry for you, unless you answer my questions. OLD SWEETHEART. I 'asn't any objections to answering questions, I 'as nothink to conceal. BRIGGS. First tell me what you know about the jewels disappearing. OLD SWEETHEART. Wot I know! I like that! Didn't you tyke them from me ? (Indignantly.) Me wot 'ad a perfect right to 'em! And then you arsk me wot's become of them? Maybe I might 'ave a theory. I 'as 'eard Scotland Yard 'as a way of its own and that harticles found by Scotland Yard are frequently lost by them. And where they're gone to (Looking at BRIGGS.,) It ain't for me to sye! BRIGGS. (Angrily) Now look here, perhaps a little inducement will make you a less unwilling wit- ness. OLD SWEETHEART. (Tentatively) I ham always willin' to listen to a little h'inducements. BRIGGS. Very good! I am going to give you a chance to turn witness for the crown. OLD SWEETHEART. (Reflecting) Witness for the crown! That sounds like an honor. BRIGGS. It will go a great deal easier if you tell the truth. OLD SWEETHEART. You mean the crown rewards me? (Smiles.) BRIGGS. Yes; you will probably get a lighter sentence. OLD SWEETHEART. (Breaks smile. Indignant- ly) You calls that a reward! It's haction I'll be THREE LIVE GHOSTS 71 bringing against Scotland Yard for taking the jewels and then losing them. BRIGGS. Now listen I've had enough nonsense from you. Where did you get the jewels? OLD SWEETHEART. They were given me by a very kind gentleman. BRIGGS. A kind gentleman? Who is he? OLD SWEETHEART. An old admirer! (Smirks.) BRIGGS. What's his name? OLD SWEETHEART. 'Enry 'Iggins. Wot used to keep company with me, and disappeared and then came back the owner of diamond mines! "Tyke 'em," says 'e, "for auld lang syne. Tyke 'em from a 'eart full of remorse, for 'avin' ran off and deserted you. Tyke 'em/' says 'e, "and be 'appy." (BRIGGS gives her hard look, crosses to L.) BRIGGS. (Movement to R.) Where is he now ? OLD SWEETHEART. Went awye agyne ! BRIGGS. To get more diamonds? OLD SWEETHEART. I 'ope so. BRIGGS. (Looking at her) Oh, you do ! OLD SWEETHEART. (Cautiously) Of course, 'e might 'ave stolen them, and me a perfectly hinnocent party. BRIGGS. (Angrily) The jewels were here and you know what become of them. OLD SWEETHEART. (Suddenly) I 'as hit ! Maybe the spirits took 'em. BRIGGS. Spirits? OLD SWEETHEART. 'Ouse full of them! Some- times I 'ears raps. (BRIGGS snorts.) And taps. An' I 'ave 'card footsteps. Come to think of hit it ain't the first time things 'as disappeared. BRIGGS. (Angrily) Yes; and I think I can put my hand on the one that helped them disappear. (To Policeman.) Bring in that cockney. (Police- man exits door R. Brings in JIMMIE. BRIGGS mo- 72 THREE LIVE GHOSTS tions to chair L. of table. Policeman follows Jm- MIE across stage. Policeman stands back of chair.) Put him there! (JiMMiE Bus. of pulling up legs of trousers; he is smoking a cigarette. BRIGGS to JIMMIED What's your name? fJiMMiE looks at OLD SWEETHEART and hesitates.) OLD SWEETHEART. (Rises, desperately) 'Is name ? 'Iggins ! (Sits.) BRIGGS. That owned the diamond mines ? OLD SWEETHEART. (Confused) Yes. (JIMMIE crosses legs extravagantly; very proud.) BRIGGS. Rather young for an old admirer of yours. OLD SWEETHEART. (Quickly) Oh, this is 'is son! BRIGGS. Hm ! His son ! No relation of yours? OLD SWEETHEART. Honly by adoption! Left with me by 'Enry 'Iggins! "Tyke 'im," syes 'e. "My dearest treasure and bring 'im hup as your own," which I 'as done, heducatin' 'im to be a credit to 'is king and country. BRIGGS. He'll be a credit to his country all right behind the bars. JIMMIE. You can't arrest me. BRIGGS. Can't eh? Why not? JIMMIE. I'm dead. BRIGGS. (Looks- at him) You're what? JIMMIE. I'm dead. I died more'n a year ago. BRIGGS. Then why in hell didn't you stay dead ? JIMMIE. I did stay dead ! I ain't alive right now. BRIGGS. Perhaps you'll say I'm dead, too. OLD SWEETHEART. Never can tell ! BRIGGS. (To OLD SWEETHEART) Trying to be funny, eh? JIMMIE. I'm telling you the truth. I'm a ghost. OLD SWEETHEART. It was the government what made a ghost out o' J im. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 73 BRIGGS. I'm going to make a ghost out of some- body, if I don't find out what become of those jewels. Somebody around here has been trying to make a fool out of me OLD SWEETHEART. (Sweetly) Tryin ? BRIGGS. And he's going to be sorry. (To JIM- MIED Now look here, young man; you can save yourself a long term at hard labor. JIMMIE. Wot would be 'ard labor for a ghost. OLD SWEETHEART. Floatin' gently hout of jyle! BRIGGS. (Angrily) That'll be enough of this. (Turns to policeman.) You know what we some- times do when prisoners refuse to talk? OLD SWEETHEART. (Rises) Wot are you going to do? JIMMIE. They ain't going to get a word hout of me. OLD SWEETHEART. Dont 'art him BRIGGS. (Takes out his watch) Now I'll just wait five seconds for one of you to start the conver- sation. (He counts.) One two three (The door opens up c. door R. by BENSON. BOLTON en- ters.) BOLTON. (Coming down c.) Hello, Briggs ! Have you really got him? (Starts to shake hands.) OLD SWEETHEART. The American? I got 'im. (Crosses quickly between BRIGGS and BOLTON; shakes hands with BOLTON.) BRIGGS. Oh, you have? OLD SWEETHEART. (To BOLTON/ 'E took f im away from me. (Points to BRIGGS.) BRIGGS. (To BOLTON) Don't pay any attention to her. OLD SWEETHEART. This is my 'ouse. I found 'im 'ere and findin's keepin's. (To BOLTON.) I'll fetch 'im to you. (Starts to go to door L. BRIGGS stops her, shoves her to chair L., she sits.) 74 THREE LIVE GHOSTS BRIGGS. You stay right where you ara. BOLTON. Where is he? BRIGGS. I'll get him. (Crosses to door L. Opens door. OLD SWEETHEART makes motions to BOLTON that she caught him, etc., BOLTON crosses to front of table.) Come in here! (Calls off stage. Enter ROSE followed by BILL. BRIGGS goes to R.C. back, comes down R. c.) BOLTON. (Looking at BILLJ Ah! Foster! I recognize you from your picture ! BILL. (Crosses to BOLTON, smiling grimly) It's been a long chase, eh? (ROSE goes down L.) BOLTON. I shall say it has. BILL. Sorry I put you to so much trouble. BOLTON. Oh, never mind about the trouble ! BILL. I'll give you credit for persistency. That reward has followed me everywhere. OLD SWEETHEART. Reward! (BRIGGS gives her a look; she subsides.) BILL. I couldn't get away from it. Well, I'm glad it's over. The only thing I feel bad about (Turns to ROSE. Takes her hand.) They're trying to pin something on this little girl ; and she had nothing to do with it. BRIGGS. The Magistrate will decide that. ROSE. Never mind about me, Bill, I hate to think of you as (Tears come to her eyes and she presses her head against his shoulder.) BILL. (Patting her head) Oh, I couldn't stalk and dodge any longer. (To BOLTON.,) Well, I'm ready to go back. (Steps out.) BOLTON. Good. (To BRIGGS.,) I'll take him right along with me now. BRIGGS. Not so easy ! He's wanted over here. BOLTON. (Stupefied) What for? BRIGGS. A little matter of kidnapping and rob- bery. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 75 BOLTON. He's committed a crime over here, too? BRIGGS. Rather 1 BOLTON. (Looks surprised at others) Are these people mixed up in it? BRIGGS. This is the rest of the gang. f BOLTON and BRIGGS cross little to R. Enter BEN- SON with Miss WOOFERS. Throws her down R. She is terribly frightened.) BENSON. The landlady's daughter seems to know a good deal about the case. She's been talking upstairs. (Goes down stage.) BRIGGS. Very well, I'll question her, (Waves officer standing back of JIMMIE'S chair out c. door *. To BOLTON .) This may interest you too. (Goes to Miss WOOFERS, looks hard at her then abruptly and sharply.) What do you know about this case? ('Miss WOOFERS starts to speak.) JIMMIE. (Quickly) Nothin'! BRIGGS. (To JIMMIED You keep still! JIMMIE. She don't know nothin' ! BRIGGS. Keep still ! (To Miss WOOFERS.; This house belongs to your mother? Miss WOOFERS. (Just able to articulate) Ye es, sir. BRIGGS. Used as a crib by the gang? Miss WOOFERS. (Swallowing) Ye es, sir. BRIGGS. (Pointing to JIMMIE and hurling the question at Miss WOOFERS^ You know this man, 'Iggins ? Miss WOOFERS. (Faintly) Ye es, sir. BRIGGS. It was he who cracked the safe? Miss WOOFERS. Ye es, sir. BRIGGS. (Indicating OLD SWEETHEART) You know this person? Miss WOOFERS. Ye es, sir. 76 THREE LIVE GHOSTS BRIGGS. "Old fence" receiver of stolen prop- erty? Miss WOOFERS. Ye es, sir. OLD SWEETHEART. (Turns in chair, puzzled; hard look at PEG) Fence? Me, an old fence? BRIGGS. (Pointing to BILL) The American chap he's the leader of the gang? Miss WOOFERS. Ye es, sir. BRIGGS. International crook? Miss WOOFERS. Ye es, sir. BRIGGS. (Indicating ROSE) You know this young lady stayed out all night ? Miss WOOFERS. Ye es, sir. BRIGGS. Got the child handed to her? Miss WOOFERS. Ye es, sir. BRIGGS. She told you that? Miss WOOFERS. Ye es, sir. ROSE. (Indignantly) How dare you? BRIGGS. You have a distinct recollection of her telling you that? Miss WOOFERS. Ye es, sir. BRIGGS. (Pats her on the shoulder; then to BOL- TON) A very good witness. (Goes up to BENSON.) OLD SWEETHEART. Yes, a 'ell of a witness! (To PEG.) 'Anging the lot of us ! BRIGGS. (To BENSON) See if you can find any more like her. BENSON. Yes, sir. (Exits c. door R V closes door.) Miss WOOFERS. (Anxiously) Oh, Jimmie, 'as I said anything wrong? JIMMIE. Oh! Bly'me! 'As you said anything wrong! Just "yessed" us all into jail, that's all ! BRIGGS. (To BOLTON, crossing to him) The mo- ment I saw him I knew he was the leader of the gang. (Points to BILL.) BOLTON. (To BILL) I was in hope that he might have had sense enough to go straight over here. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 77 BILL. (Vehemently) I tell you I haven't done anything. I'm innocent. BRIGGS. Oh ! Yes, of course you're all innocent aren't you? ALL. Yes, sir. BRIGGS. (Laughs, to BOLTON,) What's he wanted for in America ? BOLTON. Oh, a matter of some bonds about sixty thousand dollars' worth. Isn't there any way I can take him back with me? BRIGGS. Hardly! You know, we like to keep them with us a long time in jail. (Looks at OLD SWEETHEART.^ BOLTON. Well, there's nothing more I can do. I'll report to the insurance company. (To BILL J Too, bad, young man, you got yourself into this fix. BILL. What's the difference whether I go to jail here or on the other side ? BOLTON. You could have squared it with the in- surance company. BILL. How? BOLTON. By paying back the money. BILL. Where was I to get money? BOLTON. Who do you think has been advertising and offering a reward for you? BILL. Why, the insurance company, of course. BOLTON. Quite true. But your estate is paying for it. BILL. My estate? What estate could there be for me ? BOLTON. Don't you know ? BILL. No BOLTON. Your father's. BILL. Then he's (BOLTON bows his head. BILL'S head drops.) ROSE. (Comforting him) I'm sorry. 78 THREE LIVE GHOSTS BRIGGS. You mean to say he's fallen heir to an estate? BOLTON. Yes. OLD SWEETHEART. What a nice thing to fall into. BOLTON. (To BRIGGS J May I speak to him alone? BRIGGS. No, I can't take a chance. BOLTON. It's in connection with the estate. I'll be responsible for him. BRIGGS. I don't mind your taking him in there, there's no window, but make it brief. (EiLL, and BOLTON exit down L. BRIGGS to front of table.) OLD SWEETHEART. Now that Vs got an estate, I 'opes 'e'll appreciate my keepin' 'im 'ere. JIMMIE. (Rises) You think you've been doing *im a favor? OLD SWEETHEART. Certainly. I'm 'is benefac- tress. JIMMIE. (To BRIGGS ) Don't pye hany hattention to 'er. OLD SWEETHEART. And wye not? Was it for myself I was wantin' the reward? I should sye not 7 I was thinkin' of you and Peg. JIMMIE. Ain't she generous? OLD SWEETHEART. (Warming up) And the wed- ding presents you'd be needin' ! The grand 'oney- moon ! Travellin' in style ! Not third class ! (D-is- dainfully.) But first ! In a compartment, where the conductor tips 'is 'at to you! And when you gets out, the porter 'andles your luggage, you walkin' proudly arter, with your 'eads stuck up. And BRIGGS. For God's sake, stop her! OLD SWEETHEART. (With dignity) I 'as stopped. THREE LIVE GHOSTS 79 JIMMIE. (To ROSE) She ayn't bad 'carted. Only she hytes to see anything get awye from 'er. BRIGGS. Now listen, all of you. I'm going to give you one last chance. I can't afford to take you down to Scotland Yard and confess those jewels were stolen right under my nose, I've held my job too long. OLD SWEETHEART. Yes, too long. BRIGGS. Here's what I'll do. The one who'll tell me where those jewels are, can walk out of this room free ! Nobody will stop him, and if he does not make himself too conspicuous, the police will never find him! JIMMIE. (Crosses to BRIGGS) You mean, if one of us tells, you'd let him go free? BRIGGS. He can walk right out of that door and I'll see that there's nobody down stairs to stop him. JIMMIE. Does that go for 'im? (Points to the room where BILL is.) ROSE. He'll never tell. (Crosses to JIMMIE.) JIMMIE. But if hi tell, will you let 'im go? BRIGGS. Why him? JIMMIE. (Pause, looks at ROSE) 'E's got some- think to live for. BRIGGS. All right, it's a bargain. ( JIMMIE and ROSE start off for BILL to door L. BENSON and officer appear in doorway shoving SPOOFY. He flings him into chair. SPOOFY sits half dazed, his hands on his head. BENSON has short policeman's club in his hand. Officer stands R. OLD SWEETHEART rises.) BENSON. Here's another one. Found him asleep in the cellar. Tried to break away and I tapped him on the head with this. (Shows club, indicated SPOOFY'S head ) So THREE LIVE GHOSTS JIMMIE. (Indignantly) You 'it 'im! (Makes a threatening move towards BENSON.,) BRIGGS. (Shoving him back) Look out! JIMMIE. 'E's a pal of mine and 'e don't know wot 'e's doin'. BRIGGS. Oh, he's a pal? OLD SWEETHEART. And a very kind gentleman. BRIGGS. The one that gave you the diamonds? Eh? (OLD SWEETHEART doesn't answer. BRIGGS to Miss WOOFERS .) Didn't he give her the jewels ? Miss WOOFERS. No, sir. 9 BRIGGS. (Sharply to SPOOFY) Stand up! (SPOOFY rises, staggers back as if to fall, hangs on to chair, BENSON helps him.) Search him! ^BENSON does so and finds the jewels. BRIGGS takes them up stage a little.) OLD SWEETHEART. They're mine. BRIGGS. I got them from the kind gentleman this time. (To SPOOFY .J How did you steal them out of this room? SPOOFY. Which room? BRIGGS. This room. SPOOFY. I've never been here before. BRIGGS. Oh, no, they just walked out and handed themselves over to you! Well, they're back again and this time I'll keep them. (Puts them in his pocket.) OLD SWEETHEART. Hif you lose them again hi'll 'old you personally responsible. BRIGGS. (Crosses to BENSON ) I won't lose them again. Let me know when the van comes. BENSON. Yes, sir. (Exits c. door R. and leaves door open.) JIMMIE. (Goes over to SPOOFY,) Don't worry, old boy. They can't do anythink to you. You wasn't responsible. SPOOFY. (Looking at JIMMIED Where am I? O O OL H THREE LIVE GHOSTS 81 JIMMIE. You're with your pals. SPOOFY. (Vaguely) Pals? Who are these peo- ple? BRIGGS. What ? You don't know them ? SPOOFY. (Puts his hand to his head) I don't seem to remember. I I - (Collapses.) JIMMIE. Look out there! (Quickly goes to SPOOFYJ OLD SWEETHEART. The kind gentleman's fainted. Hi'll fetch some water. (Crosses to L., enters the kitchen, gets glass of water.) BRIGGS. (Goes up to SPOOFY, sees he has col- lapsed) Help me get in here. (BRIGGS, JIMMIE and OFFICER help SPOOFY off down R. Miss WOOFERS exits with them. OLD SWEETHEART comes with water from kitchen. ROSE goes to front of table, as they carry SPOOFY off.) JIMMIE. (To BRIGGS^ It's all your fault, you big bulliphant. OLD SWEETHEART. (To ROSE crossing to door R.) It's a shyme! 'Itting the poorr gentleman over the 'ead with a club ! Mybe it'll make 'im forget 'e myde me a present of the jewels. (Exits down R.) (RosE crosses L. to R. BILL and BOLTON enter door L. ROSE crosses L. to ROSE. (Tensely) They found Spoofy. He's in there. He had the jewels on him. BILL. What? BOLTON. (Crosses to BILL and ROSE) You mean they've got one of your gang with the goods on him? BILL. I tell you there is no gang. 82 THREE LIVE GHOSTS ROSE. (To BOLTONJ Those jewels were taken by a poor fellow suffering from shell-shock, BOLTON. Shell-shock ? BILL. Yes. He's not responsible. He doesn't know what he's doing. (Turns to R. as if to go.) BOLTON. (Grabs him by the arm) Are you sure you didn't have a hand in the robbery ? ROSE. Of course not! BOLTON. If you're telling the truth, you've got a good chance to beat this case. BILL. Then for heaven's sake, will you stay and help us straighten this thing out? BOLTON. (Up stage L.) I'll do anything 7 can. BILL. (To ROSE,) We've got a chance, Rose a chance for happiness and we'll fight this thing through. ROSE. And we're going to win because we're right. (Enter JIMMIE door R.) JIMMIE. (Crosses to ROSE and BILL) Some- thing 'as 'appened to 'is 'ead. 'E's talking sensible. (Goes up R.J BILL. (Ross and BILL up R. a little) You mean he's all right now? (BOLTON comes down.) JIMMIE. (Comes down) Bli'me, no! He's all wrong. Just when he should stye cryzy, damned if 'e don't get 'is brynes back again. (Up stage R. and back.) ROSE. (Crosses to JIMMIED What do you mean? JIMMIE. Can't you see the mess 'e'll get us into? ROSE. In what way? JIMMIE. Do you think a British jury will believe 'e was cryzy when 'e pinched the jewels, and not cryzy after 'e got 'em? (Pause. BILL turns up stage.) THREE LIVE GHOSTS 83 BOLTON. (To BILL,) If you aren't mixed up fa this thing, you can prove an alibi. Where were you last night? JIMMIE. Bill and I never left the 'ouse. BOLTON. (To ROSE) Were you in the house, too, Miss? BILL. (Crosses to ROSE) My George ! You told the detective you were in front of the house when the robbery occurred. (JIMMIE crosses to R.J BOLTON. (To ROSE,) You made an admission as damaging as that? ROSE. I told him the truth. BOLTON. Well, to be perfectly frank, it looks mighty strange, and I don't know what to think. (Crosses to L. a little.) JIMMIE. And another thing, Bill, when that took came 'ere, Old Sweetheart was wearing the jewels. BOLTON. Old Sweetheart? JIMMIE. Oh! That's my step-mother. BOLTON. (Crosses to BILL, hand on shoulder) I'm afraid you'll spend a long time there, before you spend any of that money in America. JIMMIE. Bly'me, 'ere's a mess! What are we goin' to do? BILL. There's only one thing to do. Tell the truth. ("JiMMiE goes up stage.) BOLTON. Do you think they'll believe you? (Up stage, crosses to R., stays up stage.) ROSE. (To BiLLj They must believe you ! (Enter OLD SWEETHEART ; goes to back of chair R. ) OLD SWEETHEART. The poor gentleman ayn't in no fit state to be answerin* questions. It's a hout- rage. The wye 'e's treatin' 'im. BRIGGS. (Enters) Come on, get in here. Qujf your shamming. (Brings SPOOFY, throws Mm to 84 THREE LIVE GHOSTS JIMMIE, who passes him on to BILL, who sits him in chair L. Miss WOOFERS follows, stays up stage R. OLD SWEETHEART goes down R. To JIMMIED Try- ing to frame up a new kind of alibi ? You claim he was suffering from shell-shock when he robbed the house. Shell-shock, hell! You'll have to think up a better one than that. (By this time all, except BRIGGS, OLD SWEETHEART, JIMMIE and Miss WOOF- ERS are grouped together over at L.) OLD SWEETHEART. I wants a lawyer! BRIGGS. Better get a good lawyer! (Enter BENSON c. door Rj BENSON. This way, my Lady ! (Enter LADY LEICESTER. Comes down R. JIMMIE crosses to L. BENSON exits, leaves door open.) BRIGGS. (Moves chair up R.J Thank you for coming, Lady Leicester. I sent for you to be sure I wasn't making any mistake. LADY LEICESTER. Thank you for returning my baby so soon. I am very grateful. BRIGGS. (As he takes jewels from his pocket.) I sent the child as soon as I found him. (Holds out jewels.) Does your ladyship recognize them? LADY LEICESTER. Yes. ^BRIGGS gives her jewels, she puts them in bag.) OLD SWEETHEART. I was tykin' very good care of them for your ladyship. LADY LEICESTER. Thank you very much. BRIGGS. Don't thank her. Will you please look at these people and tell me if you've ever seen any one of them before? ("LADY LEICESTER looks down the line gives a start as she sees SPOOFY. Stops.) THREE LIVE GHOSTS 85 LADY LEICESTER. Why they reported you dead! SPOOFY. Dead ? LADY LEICESTER. (Crosses to SPOOFY, quickly) But you're not you're not ! Where have you been ? What happened ? How did you get here ? SPOOFY. (Rises) How did I get here ? JIMMIE. (Goes toward SPOOFY ) We brought you 'ere don't you remember? Took you out of the prison camp. BILL. (Coming down) Spoofy don't you know us ? Spoofy ! SPOOFY. (Still trying hard to remember) Prison camp ? (Recollection begins to return.) Yes I remember we went over the top I fell then the prison camp. Why, you were there (Points to JIMMIED JIMMIE. He knows me! SPOOFY. And you were there ! (Points to BILL.,) BILL. Yes, we were there long before you. SPOOFY. We escaped you chaps helped saved me! Why, I remember. (LADY LEICESTER moves towards him. He slowly goes towards her and takes her in his arms.) OLD SWEETHEART. They do seem to know each other ! JIMMIE. Very well, I should sye. SPOOFY. Jimmie Bill! (Takes their hands. Miss WOOFERS crosses to JIMMIED BRIGGS. (To audience and all in general) Well, this is a new one on me! Robbed his own safe and took his old child out for an airing. (BoLTON laughs.) Come on, Bolton. I want to get out of here. (Getting hat from rack.) We'll fix up that reward. OLD SWEETHEART. I clymes it! (Crosses to BRIGGS and BOLTON J 86 THREE LIVE GHOSTS BOLTON. We'll thrash that out later on. (Exit BOLTON c. door R.) OLD SWEETHEART. We'll thrash it out nowl (Shoots this at BOLTON as he exits.) BRIGGS. I've thrashed out quite enough for one day. We'll divide that thousand pounds 'alf and 'alf. OLD SWEETHEART. Send my six 'undred in the morning. BRIGGS. Six ! CURTAIN TWEEDLES Comedy in $ acts, by Booth Tarkington and Harry Leon Wilson. 5 males, 4 females. 1 interior. Costumes, modern* Plays 2 l / 2 hours. Julian, scion of the blue-blooded Castleburys, falls in love with Winsora Tweedle, daughter of the oldest family in a Maine village. The Tweedles esteem the name because it has been rooted in the community for 200 years, and they look down on "summer people" v/ith the vigor that orly "summer boarder" communities know. The Castleburys are aghast at the possibility of a match, and call on the Tweedles to urge how impossible such an alliance would be. Mr. Castlebury laboriously explains the barrier of social caste, and the elder Tweedle takes it that these unimportant Bummer folk are terrified at the social eminence of the Tweedles. Tweedle generously agrees to co-operate with the Castleburya to prevent the match. But Winsora brings her father to realize that in reality the Castleburys look upon them as inferiors. The old man is infuriated, and threatens vengeance, but is checkmated when Julian unearths a number of family skeletons and arguea that father isn't a Tweedle, since the blood has been so diluted that little remains. Also, Winsora takes the matter into her own hands and outfaces the old man. So the youngsters go forth triumphant. "Tweedles" is Booth Tarkington at his best. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents, JUST SUPPOSE A whimsical comedy in 3 acts, by A. E. Thomas, author Of "Her Husband's Wife/' "Come Out of the Kitchen/' etc. 6 males, 2 females. 1 interior, 1 exterior. Costumes, modern. Plays 2*4 hours. It was rumored that during his last visit the Prince of Wales appeared for a brief spell under an assumed name somewhere in. Virginia. It is on this story that A. E. Thomas based "Just Suppose." The theme is handled in an original manner. Linda Lee Stafford meets cue George Shipley (in reality is the Prince of Wales). It is a case of love at first sight, but, alas, princes cannot select their mates and thereby hangs a tale which Mr. Thomas has woven with infinite charm. The atmosphere of the South with its chivalry dominates the story, touching in it* sentiment and lightened here and there with delightful comedy. "Just Suppose" scored a big hit at the Henry Miller Theatre, New York, with Patricia Collinge. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City Hew and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Seqnest MRS. WIGGS OF THE CABBAGE PATCH Dramatization in 3 acts, by Anne Crawford Flexner from the novel by Alice Hegan Bice. 15 males, 11 females. 1 interior, 1 exterior. Costumes modern and rustic. Plays a full evening. A capital dramatization of the ever-beloved Mrs. "Wiggs and Tier friends, people who have entered the hearts and minds of a nation. Mrs. Schultz and Lovey Mary, the pessimistic Miss Hazy and the others need no new introduction. Here is characteriza- tion, humor, pathos, and what is best and most appealing in modern American life. The amateur acting rights are reserved for the present in all cities and towns where there are stock companies. Royalty will be quoted on application for those cities and towns where it may be presented by amateurs. Price, 75 Cents. THE FOUR-FLUSHER Comedy in 3 acts. By Caesar Dunn. 8 males, 5 females. 2 interiors. Modern costumes. Plays 2% hours. A comedy of hustling American youth, "The Four-Flusher" is one of those clean and bright plays which reveal the most appeal* Sng characteristics of our native types. Here is an amusing story of a young shoe clerk who through cleverness, personality, and plenty of wholesome faith in himself, becomes a millionaire. The play is best described as "breezy." It is full of human touches, and develops a most interesting story. It may be whole-heartedly recommended to high schools, (Royalty, twenty -five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. PALS FIRST Comedy in a prologue and 3 acts. By Lee Wilson Dodd. 8 males, 3 females. 1 interior, 1 exterior. Modern cos- tumes. Plays 2*& hours. Based on the successful novel of the same name by F. P. Elliott, "Pals First" is a decidedly picturesque mystery play. Danny and the Dominie, a pair of tramps, enter a mansion and persuade the servants and friends that they belong there. They are not altogether wrong, though it requires ttye intervention of ft judge, two detectives, a villain and an attractive girl to un- tangle the complications. A most ingenious play, well adapted to performance by high schools and colleges. (Royalty, twenty- five dollars.) Price, 75 Cent*, SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City Hew and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on ARE YOU A MASON? Itaee In 8 aets. By Leo Ditrichstein. 7 males, 7 Modern costumes. Plays 2*4 hours. 1 interior. "Are You a Mason!" is one of those delightful farces lik "Charley's Aunt" that are always fresh. "A mother and e daughter," says the critic of the New York Herald, "had huff- "bands who account for absences from the joint household OB frequent evenings, falsely pretending to be Masons. The men do not know each other's duplicity, and each tells his wife of having advanced to leadership in his lodge. The older woman tras so well pleased with her husband's supposed distinction in the order that she made him promise to put up the name of a Visiting friend for membership. Further perplexity over the principal liar arose when a suitor for his second daughter's hand proved to be a real Mason. ... To tell the story of the play teould require volumes, its complications are so numerous. It If a house of cards. One card wrongly placed and the whole thing would collapse. But it stands, an example of remarkable in- genuity. You wonder at the end of the first act how the faa can be kept up on such a slender foundation. But it continue! and grows to the last curtain." One of the most hilariously amusing farces ever written, especially suited to schools anfi Masonic Lodges. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 KEMPY A* delightful comedy in 3 acts. By J Co Nugent anj Elliott Nugent. 4 males, 4 females. 1 interior throughout* Costumes, modern. Plays 2% hours. No wonder "Kempy" has been such a tremendous hit In Neff York, Chicago wherever it has played. It snaps with wit anfi humor of the most delightful kind. It's electric. It's small town folk perfectly pictured. Full of types of varied sorts, eacfe one done to a turn and served with zestful sauce. An ideafi entertainment for amusement purposes. The story is about a higbf falutin' daughter who in a fit of pique marries the young plumbef** architect, who comes to fix the water pipes, just because ht "understands" her, having read her book and having sworn te marry the authoress. But In that story lies all the humor thai kept the audience laughing every second of every act. Of eourst there are lots of ramifications, each of which bears its own braa& of laughter-making potentials. But the plot and the story &J9 not the main things. There Is, for instance, the work of tfc company. The fun growing out of this family mizup is lively ani lean. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City ffev .and Explicit Descriptive Catalogs Mailed Free on FRENCH'S Standard Library Edition George M. Cohan Wlncliell Smith Booth Tarkington William Gillette Prank Craven Owen Davis Austin Strong A. A. Milne Harriet Ford Paul Green James Montgomery Arthur Richman Philip Barry George Middleton Channing Pollock George Kaufman Martin Flavin Victor Mapes Kate Douglas Wiggln Rida Johnson Young Margaret Mayo Roi Coeper Megrue Jean Webster George Broadhurst Geerge Hubart Frederick S. Isham Fred Ballard Percy MacKaye Willard Mack Jerome K. Jerome R. C. Carton William Cary Duncan Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Includes Plays by Augustus Thomas Rachel Crothers W. W. Jacobs Ernest Denny Kenyon Nicholson Aaron Hoffman H. V. Esmond Edgar Selwyn Laurence Housman Israel Zangwill Walter Hackett A. B. Thomas Edna Ferber John Henry Mears Mark Swan John B. Stapleton Frederick Lo.isdale Bryon Ongley Rex Beach Paul Armstrong H. A. Du Souchet George Ade J. Hartley Manners Barry Conners Edith Ellis Harold Brighouse Harvey J. O'Higgins Clare Kummer James Forbes William C. DeMille Thompson Buchanan C. Haddon Chambers Richard Harding Davis George Kelly Louis N. Parker Anthony Hope Lewis Beach Guy Bolton Edward E. Rose Marc Connelly Frederick Paulding Lynn Starling Clyde Fitch Earl Derr Bigger* Thomas Broadhurst Charles Klein Bayard Veiller Grace L. Furniss Martha Morton Robert Housum Carlisle Moore Salisbury Field Leo Dietrichstein Harry James Smith Eden Phillpotts Brandon Tynan Clayton Hamilton Edward Sheldon Richard Ganthony Julie Lippman Paul Diekey Frank Bacon Edward Paulten Adelaide Matthews A. E. W. Mason Cosmo Gordon-Lennox Catherine Chisholm Cushing J. C. and Elliott Nugent Edward Childs Carpenter Justin Huntley McCarthy Madeline Lucette Ryley Josephine Preston Peabody French's International Copyrighted Edition contains plays, comedi* and farces of international reputation; also recent professional successe by famous American and English Authors. SAMUEL FRENCH Oldest Play Publisher in the World 25 West 45th Street, NEW YORK CIT^I YB 74467