THE CONFESSIONS ELDERLY LADY. THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ELDERLY LADY. ILLUSTRATED BY EIGHT PORTRAITS, FROM HIGHLY FINISHED DRAWINGS BY E. T. PARRIS. BY THE COUNTESS OF BLESSINGTON. LONDON : LONGMAN ORME, BROWN, GREEN, AND LONGMANS, PATERNOSTE R-ROW. MDCCCXXXVIII. PRI.NTKD BY WILLIAM H'lLCOCKSON, ROLLS BUILDINGS. THE CONFESSIONS ELDERLY LADY. How interminably long the days are ! Though broken by repasts, visits, airings, and reading, still they creep on with leaden feet. Heigh-ho ! It was not thus in the days of my youth. Then the hours seemed to have wings, and flew away so rapidly, that I often wished to retard their flight. But every thing is changed ! The very seasons are no longer the same ; and their pro- ductions bear no more comparison with those that I remember, than what shall I say ? than the young persons, misnamed beauties, in these degenerate days, do, with the lovely women B Z THE CONFESSIONS OF who were my contemporaries. Yes, the flowers have lost their fragrance, the fruit its flavour, and the vegetables taste as if created by some chemical process. The newspapers, too, par- take the general change; and are, for the most part, filled with the movements of stupid lords and silly ladies ; or the speeches of some demagogue placarded into notice, by the praise of one party and abuse of another. Parliamentary debates, instead of displaying the magniloquent march of sonorous words that were wont to charm my youthful ears, rendering each speech worthy of a place in that excellent work, entitled " Enfield's Speaker," are now reduced to colloquies, quite as familiar as if the debaters were seated round their tables after dinner, and had only their convivial guests, and not the nation, as audience. To be sure, people did assert that Dr. Johnson wrote the reported speeches, but so much the better, say I; for they will stand as honorable records of the abilities of my contemporaries, when the world no longer remembers the rumour AN ELDERLY LADY. 3 of their Johnsonian parentage, and will form an admirable contrast to the inflated common places, or flimsy theories of the present time. I have but one consolation for the degeneracy of the age, and that consists in the conviction that few records of it will descend to posterity. People seem to loose all respect for the past; events succeed each other with such velocity that the most remarkable one of a few years gone by, is no more remembered than if centuries had closed over it. The present race seem to think only of the actual minute. They are pro- digals, who give no thought to their predecessors, and no care to their successors. People were not thus heartless in my youthful days but every thing is changed ! The magazines, too, how they are fallen off' ! No longer do two interesting looking heads, ycleped "A tete-a-tte" or "The fair deceiver, and the enamoured Philander," meet the gaze, initiating one into some recent morfeau of amusing scandal. No the portrait of some would-be- B2 THE CONFESSIONS OF beauty, or modern author, stares one in the face, endeavouring to look handsome, or clever, with all her, or his, might; but as it is not often that artists succeed in bestowing either of these ex- pressions on their subjects, they are frequently, as unkindly treated by art, as by nature. Then the matter of these magazines how infinitely inferior are they to those of my youth ! Pretentious philosophical disquisitions on recent discoveries in science sketchy tales, with shadowy personages crude reviews on as crude literary productions poems guiltless of thought and a rechauffee of the events of the past month, as insipid as rechaiiffees generally are. The editors of the ephemeral productions to which I allude, ambitious to contain in their pages some attractive article, and knowing the craving appetites of their readers for personali- ties, dress up a forgotten anecdote, or obsolete scandal, with the sauce piquant of inuendoes and exaggerations: or else with tales professing to treat of fashionable life, with characters that AN ELDERLY LADY. 5 bear no more resemblance to living ones, than do the figures on which milliners and tailors display their garments for sale. But their con- clusions satisfy the crowd, who, unable to pene- trate the sanctuaries of aristocratic life, cannot judge of the coarseness and want of truth of the pretended representations. The study of history, I carefully eschew for modern historians are all would-be-philoso- phers ; who, instead of relating facts as they occurred, give us their version, or rather per- versions of them, always coloured by their political prejudices, or distorted to establish some theory, and rendered obscure by cumbrous attempts to trace effect from cause. They tell us not only what potentates, heroes, and states- men said, or are imagined to have said, but also, not unfrequently, favour us with what they thought; though they do not quite satisfy us as to the authenticity of the sources whence they derived their information. Poetry I have been compelled to abandon, ever since Byron de- 6 THE CONFESSIONS OF moralized the public taste, by substituting passion for sentiment ; and originated a herd of servile imitators of all his defects, but who possess not one ray of the genius that redeemed them. Dryden, Waller, Pope, were the poets read in my youth. Their lofty thoughts came to us in as lofty diction, like the beauties of that day, attired in their court dresses. Novels were then an agreeable resource. Sir Charles Grandison, Clarissa Harlowe how often have I dwelt on your pages, my sympathy excited, and my reason satisfied. Yes Richardson's heroines were not only women, but, with the exception of Pamela, they were gentlewomen, a class that seems now to have passed away from our modern novels, as wholly as they have from society: a genus ycleped "ladies "being substi- tuted, which no more resembles their dignified progenitors, than the flimsy draperies of the modern originals of these meretricious shadows, do the substantial velvets and brocades in which my stately contemporaries were attired. AN ELDERLY LADY. 7 Times are indeed sadly changed ! Fashion, a nondescript which, like Milton's allegorical personification of death, has no definite shape, has now usurped the place of decorum ; and, like death, levels all distinctions. This same fashion is a monstrous growth of these degenerate days, which, like the idol of Juggernaut, often crushes those who prostrate themselves before her revolving wheel. It is the sworn foe to all that is good and respectable ; and encourages only the parvenus which spring up beneath its unwholesome shade, as does the fungus beneath that of some tree, whose deleterious moisture gives it birth. Well /, at least, have not bowed down and worshipped this colossal idol. I have not left the residence of my ancestors, because fashion had proscribed its precincts, to become the neigh- bour of some returned nabob, or retired bill- broker, with no recommendation, save his ill- acquired wealth. I have not dismantled my mansion of its cumbrous, but richly carved THE CONFESSIONS OF furniture, to adopt, at a later period, a com- position in imitation of it. No I saw the rage for Grecian and Roman decoration pass by, as calmly as I have since seen them replaced by the angular ameublement of the melo-dramatic Emperor of the French; and have lived to witness the solid magnificence of the fourteenth Louis, revived by those who are as incapable of com- prehending, as of emulating the splendor and abilities of that dignified model for kings, I smile at beholding the ill-executed imitations in the mansions of my acquaintance, of the costly furniture which, from mine, has never been displaced; while they would gladly purchase back their ancestral possessions from the brokers who have collected them to sell again at more than thrice their original cost. Yes, it is very satisfactory to my feelings to witness the restoration of true taste in furniture, at least; almost as much so as it was to see Louis XVIII. restored to the throne of his forefathers, whence his less fortunate brother has been AN ELDERLY LADY. exiled. We have fallen upon evil days ; " the march of intellect," as they call it, has been in my opinion a triumphal march over the pro- strated privileges of sovereigns, who dare no longer consider their subjects as their unalienable property, nor govern by the good old monar- chical principle of " Je veux" This, is a melancholy and an unnatural state of things; but I console myself with thinking that it cannot last, though, alas ! it bids fair to endure my time ; consequently, I am somewhat disposed to adopt the philosophy of the fifteenth Louis, and exclaim " Apres nous le deluge" I wish I had children, for I should in that case, have had now around me a third genera- tion of scions from the parent stem, who might have loved me, and whom I might have loved ; at all events, over whose destinies my fortune would have given me an influence, and next to loving, and being loved, is the pleasure of go- verning. But this wearisome solitude, imposed by age and infirmities, and uncheered by fond 10 THE CONFESSIONS OF faces, or affectionate voices, it is hard to bear. Nature has implanted in every breast the yearning desire to be an object of sympathy and affection to its fellow. The young feel it, but they feel too, the glad consciousness of possessing the power to excite, and repay the sentiment; while the old are too well aware how unlovely is age, not to distrust the appearance of an attachment, they fear they are incapable of creating. They become suspicious and peevish from this humi- liating self-knowledge, and consequently less worthy of the affection for which they yearn. Every one now writes, and the occupation may serve to amuse me, even though its fruits fail to amuse others; and thus I who love to live in the past, may borrow from it the means of rendering the present less insupportable. Shall I then take courage, make my confessions to the public, and trust to it for absolution. It is an indul- gent monster after all, which swallows much that is bad. Why, therefore, should I fear it? But who will read the confessions of an old AN ELDERLY LADY. 11 woman ? and in an age when every thing old, except furniture, plate, and wine, is exploded ? N'importe, if those only wrote, who were sure of being read, we should have fewer authors ; and the shelves of libraries would not groan beneath the weight of dusty tomes more aluminous than luminous. Yes, I will write my memoirs. " Did your ladyship speak ?" asked that much enduring woman, my dame de compagnie, one of the most uncompanionable of that class of persons denominated companions. My con- science does sometimes reproach me for sundry pettish reproofs, and petulant phoos and pshaws, addressed to this modern Griselda, who " assents to all I will, or do, or say," with a meekness very trying to a temper like mine. She, however, is at least ten years my junior, and will, in all human probability, live to enjoy the comfortable provision I have secured her in my will; thinking perhaps that she has well earned it, by a twenty years' daily and hourly practice of that difficult virtue Patience. 12 THE CONFESSIONS OF Yes, I will write my confessions, and " naught extenuate, or set down aught in malice." As a proof of my sincerity, I shall record my dialogue with my dame de compagnie. " Mrs. Vincent, ring the bell, if you please here, that will do ; you always ring it as if you imagined the servants to be deaf." " I beg your ladyship's pardon ; but, if you will be pleased to recollect, you, this morning, complained that I rang the bell so gently that the servants never heard the first pull." " Pray don't ask me to be pleased to recollect ; I never am pleased to recollect such puerile fiddle faddle. Your memory is so tenacious, that you can quote every syllable I utter in the course of a week." It will be perceived by the malicious reader, that in my petulance I was unconsciously com- prising my own conversation within the con- temptuous epithet of fiddle faddle. But whether my unhappy companion was equally acute, I cannot determine; for she was far too well dis- AN ELDERLY LADY. 13 ciplined to allow any indication of discovery to be perceptible. " Why don't you ring the bell again ? you see no one has answered." Enter John. "And so, John, here has Mrs. Vincent been ringing this last half hour. It really is too provoking that none of you will answer the bell." " Very sorry, indeed, your ladyship; but I only heard the bell once." " There, you are convinced, Mrs. Vincent ; I always tell you, that you do not ring sufficiently loud ; I wish you would remember this another time. Let me consider, what did I want. What did I require, Mrs. Vincent ?" " Indeed, madam, I do not know, your lady- ship did not inform me." " There it is, you never remember what 1 want ; it really is enough to vex a saint." " I'm sure, madam, I am very sorry." " So you always say, I hear nothing but ' I beg your pardon,' and ' I am very sorry,' 14 THE CONFESSIONS OF all day long. Place the easy chair with an extra pillow before my writing-desk, wheel the desk close to the window, and put a tabouret for my feet. There, that will do. See that the pens are good, the ink not too thick, and lay a quire of foolscap wove paper on the desk; not that abominable glazed paper which dazzles my eyes. I intend to write, Mrs. Vincent, yes, to write a good deal, unless it should fatigue me : so wipe my spectacles. You had better remain in the room, to see that the fire does not go out. You can read, if you like it; but mind you do not make a noise in turning over the leaves, you i know you have a trick of doing so. And re- member, too, you do not make that disagreeable sound to which you are much addicted, a sort of clearing of the trachea, which is extremely trying to my nerves. There again, Mrs. Vin- cent, have I not told you a thousand times not to give, way to that offensive habit of sighing. I cannot bear it." " I beg your ladyship's pardon, I am very sor" AN ELDERLY LADY. 15 " Oh ! dear Oh ! dear, I never can say a word to you, that you do not forthwith answer me with ' I beg your pardon, I am very sorry.' " " Indeed, madam" " Don't say another word, spare my nerves ; you know, or ought to know, that I detest ex- planations." If my readers are not disgusted with this specimen of my irritability and egotism, I will proceed with my task. My first recollections point to Walsingham Castle, where my happiest days were passed. Well do I remember a certain dressing-room in it that breathed the mingled odours of every fragrant flower, odours ever since associated in my mind with the memory of that chamber and its inmate. Reclined in an easy chair, propped by pillows, a fragile form draped in muslin of a snowy whiteness, used to meet my gaze. A pale but beautiful face, with large lustrous eyes, whose tender expression is even now remem- bered, used to welcome me with smiles. A soft 16 THE CONFESSIONS OP delicate hand used to smooth my curls, and draw me fondly to her heart ; and a low sweet voice, that only uttered words of love, used to greet me. Never can I forget the warm tears that often fell on my face and shoulders, when strained in the convulsive embrace of that lovely being. " Why does mamma weep when she kisses me ?" demanded I, one day, of the upper nurse. " You must not ask questions, Lady Arabella," was the satisfactory reply; a reply that generally met all the interrogatories I addressed to the pragmatical Mrs. Sydenham. Good Mrs. Mary, as I designated her assistant, was less taciturn; and to my reiterated demand of why mamma wept ? told me, with a deep sigh and melancholy shake of the head, that it was because mamma was going to leave me; and was sorry. " But she sha'n't go, if she does not like it," answered I, with the wilfulness that even then characterised me, " I won't let her go." AN ELDERLY LADY. 17 " Poor child," murmured good Mrs. Mary, and a tear trembled in her eye. The next time I entered the odorous dressing- room, mamma appeared to me suffering more than usual. Papa was sitting by her side, and held one of her hands in his. She embraced me fondly, and he took me on his knee. They looked at me, and then at each other, with an expression so piteous, that it reminded me of good Mrs. Mary's explanation of mamma's tears, and I uttered imploringly, " Do not go away, dear sweet mamma, stay with papa, and Arabella." She burst into a passion of tears, and my father, too, became greatly agitated. " Oh ! yes," resumed I, " good Mrs. Mary told me you wept because you were sorry to go away." She sobbed in agony, and caught me to her breast, and my father pressed us both in his arms. I saw my mother no more in the fragrant dressing-room ; but was afterwards taken a few times to her bed-room, whence my father seldom 18 THE CONFESSIONS OF moved. She looked paler than ever, and her voice was so low, that it could only whisper; still it ut- tered fond words, and sounded sweetly in my ears. Every one moved so gently, and spoke so softly in that room, that my steps only were heard; the other persons glided about like shadows. My father looked nearly as pallid as my mother, and scarcely ever glanced from her; unless when he turned to conceal the tears, that were con- tinually springing to his eyes. One day, I was sent for, and found my mother supported by pillows, and her eyes half closed. My father had been reading aloud to her; and I heard her murmur, " Thy will, not mine, be done, O Lord !" He took me in his arms, and held me to her. She pressed me faintly, but fondly; a few burning tears fell on my face, and she pronounced, in accents broken by the approach of death, a mo- ther's last blessing. I, too, wept, though, alas ! I knew not then what bitter cause I had for tears : and when my father offered to withdraw me from AN ELDERLY LADY. 19 her fond embrace, I clung passionately to her. At this moment, the clergyman was announced: she relaxed her hold of me, and I was taken from the chamber violently sobbing. I remember, that when I reached the door, I looked back, and caught her tearful eyes strained to see me to the last. What agony was then in their expression ! I never saw my mother again, for she died in two hours after I was torn from her. To this early bereavement of the truest, tenderest friend that youth can ever know, I attribute all the errors of my life. The next day, and the following one, I asked repeatedly to be taken to mamma. Mrs. Syden- ham looked grave, said it could not be ; and good Mistress Mary wept, and, though always affec- tionate to me, appeared still more so, notwith- standing that Mrs. Sydenham more than once reprimanded her, and sternly desired her not to spoil me. In a week after, I was dressed in black, and 20 THE CONFESSIONS OF noticed that all the household was similarly clad. I objected to this change in my dress, and said that mamma would not like my ugly black frock, as she was only fond of pretty white ones. This remark produced a few more tears from good Mistress Mary, who was again rebuked by Mrs. Sydenham, for being, as she termed it, always whimpering. I had an instinctive dislike to the upper nurse, and a preference to Mary, whose tears, though I knew not their source, soothed me. The next day, the sounds of many carriage wheels, and the champing of steeds, drew me to the window of my nursery, which overlooked the court of the castle. I clapped my hands in childish glee, when I saw the cortege decked with nodding plumes, that moved slowly and proudly along. " Where are all these fine carriages going ?" asked I, " and why are so many of them black ?" " They are taking away your mamma," an- swered Mary, as well as her tears and sobs would allow her. AN ELDERLY LADY. 21 I, too, began to weep, exclaiming that they should not take my own dear, sweet mamma away; but the cortege continued to advance, until the last nodding plume vanished from my tearful sight, and I sank on the bosom of good Mary, exhausted by my sorrow. How silent was the whole castle ! Not a sound was heard save the tolling of the church bell, that came booming on the ear from the distance, or the chimes of the great clock, as it marked the flight of time. The gloom chilled me, and yet it was in uni- son with my feelings ; for though too young to comprehend the misfortune that had befallen me, a mysterious sympathy seemed to render silence and sorrow congenial to me. The following day, my father sent for me. I found him in the library, so pale and care worn, that, young as I was, the alteration in his appearance struck me forcibly. He was clad in deep mourning, and his eyes indicated that tears had lately been no strangers to them. 22 THE CONFESSIONS OF I rushed into his arms and wept as I hid my face in his bosom, to which I fondly nestled, as I had been wont to do to the maternal one. He dismissed the attendant; and as he bent his head over mine, I felt his tears fall on my hair and neck, and heard the deep sighs that heaved his breast. " You weep, dear papa," said I, " because my own sweet mamma is gone away. She, too, wept, for she was sorry to leave you and me. Do you remember, papa, how she cried and kissed us both?" He clasped me convulsively, called me his last, his only comfort. " But won't dear mamma come back to us?" asked I. " No, my precious child, never; but we shall go to her." " O ! I am so glad ; I hope, papa, it will be soon. And shall we too go in that black coach, with all the nodding feathers ? and will the bells toll, as when dear mamma went ? How glad I AN ELDERLY LADY. 23 shall be that day ; and you, papa, will you not be glad?" My poor father sobbed aloud, and I repeatedly kissed his cheek. " Look here," my dear Arabella," said he, opening the miniature case now before me, " Do you know this face ?" " 5 Tis my own mamma; my dear, sweet mamma," answered I. " O ! let me always have it to look at." From this period, I spent a considerable por- tion of every day with my father, who never failed to show me the cherished miniature, or to talk to me of its dear and lost original. A year elapsed before he left the solitude of Walsingham Castle; during that epoch he made me comprehend that my mother was dead. How well I recollect the feeling of awe that crept through my young heart, as he explained the nature of this tremendous but inevitable passage to eternity. Yet, though awed, I loved to dwell on the subject; and death and a union with my 24 THE CONFESSIONS OF mother, henceforth became an association of ideas in my mind, that robbed the one of its terrors, and softened the regret entertained for the other. My father, never of a robust constitution, began to show symptoms of confirmed ill health, in less than a year from the decease of my mother. So fervent had been his attachment to her, that time, though it soothed the bitterness of grief, could not obliterate her image, or console him for her loss; and I believe, that had he been childless, he would have hailed death as a release from an existence which had lost all charm for him since she had been torn from his arms. It was solely for my sake that he submitted to a regime the most abstemious, and to a system of medical care, which condemned him to the most monotonous mode of existence imaginable. I was his constant companion ; seated on a low tabouret, by his invalid chair or sofa, I established all my toys in his library, built card houses on his couch, accompanied him in all his airings, prattling to AN ELDERLY LADY. 25 him every thought that passed through my infant mind, and never leaving him but with sorrow. A fear that I inherited the malady of my mother, or his own delicacy of constitution, ope- rated continually on his imagination, rendered morbidly apprehensive, by a degree of sensibility rarely belonging to the male character, and nursed into existence by the loss he had sustained, and the seclusion in which he lived. Mrs. Sydenham had been discharged soon after my mother's death, owing to some symp- toms of dislike displayed towards her by me; and good Mrs. Mary, in consequence of the partiality I had evinced towards her, was elevated to the place of upper nurse. Various and minute were the questions put by my poor dear father to her, when she brought me every morning to the library. " How had I slept had I eat my breakfast with appetite had I been cheerful?" were in- terrogatories daily made. My countenance was anxiously examined, and my pulse felt, -by the 26 THE CONFESSIONS OF affectionate and nervous valetudinarian; and a physician was in regular attendance, to report on the state of my health. No wonder, then, that I soon began to dis- cover that I was an object of no little importance in the house ; a discovery almost always danger- ous to the discoverer, whether infant or adult. Consequently, I speedily displayed some infallible proofs of my acquired knowledge, by indulging in sundry caprices and petulancies not peculiarly agreeable to good Mrs. Mary; and very alarming to my poor father, when repeated to him, in my nurse's phraseology, which thus represented my ebullitions of ill humour : " Lady Arabella had been a little uneasy all the morning. Her ladyship had made a good breakfast, it was true, but she had refused to allow her mouth to be washed after, which she, good Mrs. Mary, was afraid was a sign of something feverish in the habit. Her little ladyship had thrown by all her dolls in short, she had not been as cheerful as usual." AN ELDERLY LADY. 27 Well did I observe the anxiety this intelli- gence occasioned my too indulgent parent ; and my pride was gratified by it. The bell was rung, Dr. Warminster, the Halford of his day, sent for, and all good Mrs. Mary's information de- tailed to him with scrupulous exactitude. My pulse was felt, my tongue examined, my eyes scrutinised; and after the termination of this profound investigation, I was pronounced, ex cathedra, to be in a state of perfect health. " But, my dear doctor," asked my father, " how do you account for her uneasiness ? Do you not think it must have proceeded from some incipient feverish excitement acting on the sys- tem, some nervous derangement eh, my good doctor?" " I think, my dear lord," was the answer, " that your little girl requires at this period a governess more than a physician ; and advise, by all means, your lordship's providing her with one, as soon as a person befitting the situation can be found." c2 28 THE CONFESSIONS OF " A governess, doctor, you surprise me," re- plied my father, " What can a governess have to do with the symptoms of uneasiness I have related?" " A good one, may prevent a repetition of them, my lord. The truth is, your daughter is now of an age to stand in need of a more intel- lectual person than Mrs. Mary; one who can control her temper and direct her pursuits, as well as attend to her health." " I assure you, doctor, that her temper is faultless," said my father, " and with regard to her pursuits, she is as far advanced as most children of her age. She can already spell several words, and is peculiarly intelligent." " Her intelligence I admit," responded the doctor, with a peculiar smile, " but her progress in learning I think not very forward. Why, let me see, Lady Arabella must be now eight years old ; and I do not know a child of that age that cannot read fluently, and speak two or more languages." AN ELDERLY LADY. 29 How attentively I listened to this dialogue ! and how cordially did I dislike Doctor Warminster, who made so light of my acquirements ! My poor father looked distressed, and half offended ; for I believe, that, judging from the precocious shrewdness of my observations viewed through the flattering medium of parental affec- tion, he had hitherto considered me a sort of prodigy. The truth is, that from never having mingled with other children, and having lived so continually with my father, my intellectual faculties had attained a maturity disproportioned to my age and acquirements. I could think long before I could read ; and now, that for the first time, 1 became aware that children of my age were more advanced in education than my- self, my vanity was cruelly wounded; and I determined, with that strong volition that even then formed a peculiar characteristic of my nature, to forthwith apply myself to study. When Doctor Warminster withdrew, I ap- proached my father, and looking in his face, 30 THE CONFESSIONS OF asked him, in a reproachful tone, why I had not been taught to read ? He appeared embarrassed, but tenderly embracing me, said that my studies should forthwith commence. " What is a governess?" demanded I. " A lady, my dear," replied my father, " who undertakes to instruct children in all that it is necessary that they should know." " Then let me have a governess directly, papa; however she must be a nice, pretty go- verness; not an old ugly woman like Mrs. Sydenham, but one who will teach me to read very soon, and help me to build card houses on your sofa." Never shall I forget the expression of per- plexity which my poor father's countenance exhibited at this request. " Why, my child," answered he, " when you have a governess, you must study your lessons with her, in another apartment ;" and he sighed deeply as he finished the sentence. " But I won't learn my lessons any where else AN ELDERLY LADY. 31 but here," rejoined I petulantly ; " and my governess shall teach me here!" And I burst into a paroxysm of tears. This exhibition of my temper convinced my poor father of the justice of Doctor Warminster's observations relative to the necessity of having a governess for me. But it did not suggest to him the prudence of checking my wilfulness ; for in- stead of reprehending my peevishness, he fondly embraced and soothed me, promising that I should have a nice governess; though he was less explicit as to his intentions respecting her professional duties, a point which I had deter- mined on exacting, being performed in his pre- sence in the library. A few letters were next day addressed to the nearest female relations of my father, stating his desire of procuring a governess for me. I know not whether he informed them that good looks were an indispensible requisite in the lady who was to undertake the office ; but I do know that the half dozen Mistresses and Misses who came 32 THE CONFESSIONS OF recommended by them, might have served as specimens of female ugliness. A glance at me, who returned it by a look of undisguised dis- approval of the candidates, induced my father to dismiss each successively, with a polite intimation that they should hear from him in a few days. Then came letters of remonstrance from the ladies who had sent them ; each being extremely surprised that her protegee, Mrs. or Miss Tom- kins or Thompson, had not been engaged, as she was precisely the most suitable, desirable, and appropriate person in existence. All these letters, of course, my father was compelled to answer ; and the difficulty and anxiety of invent- ing plausible excuses, which should be satisfac- tory to the patronesses, and yet not unjust or offensive to the objects of their recommendation, increased the nervous trepidation of the poor invalid in no common degree. I now began to think that a pretty governess was an unattainable good ; and, in proportion to this belief, became my impatient desire to possess AN ELDERLY LADY. 33 so precious a rarity. My father, with some hesitation and embarrassment, informed Doctor Warminster of his wish to procure a young lady as governess ; and added, that his poor dear Ara- bella positively insisted that good looks should distinguish the person to be selected for the situation. I was present when this statement was made; and could as little imagine why my poor father's pale cheek became tinged with red, as I could divine why Doctor Warminster first looked sur- prised, then smiled in a peculiar way, and at length, rubbing his hands, and positively chuck- ling outright, repeated, " A young and pretty governess, my lord? why, bless my soul, youth and beauty are so generally objected to in teachers, that 1 am rather surprised that is, I am somewhat as- tonished that your lordship should consider them as indispensible requisites." My father's cheek became still more red, as he hesitatingly replied, c3 34 THE CONFESSIONS OF " You mistake, my good doctor, it is not I, but my daughter, who entertains this desire; and my poor Arabella has been so accustomed to be indulged, that in a point on which she seems to have set her heart, I do not wish that she should be thwarted." " But your lordship is aware, that a young and pretty woman living in the house of a single man, may give rise to surmises injurious to her, and not agreeable to her employer." My father looked still more embarrassed, but he falteringly replied, " My reputation, doctor, ought to be, I should hope, a sufficient guarantee against all such sur- mises. No one who knows me, could suppose that I could so far forget what is due to my only child, as to place an instructress over her, of whose morals I had not the best opinion." " I beg your lordship's pardon; / did not presume to doubt your morals, nor those of the young lady, whoever she may be, who is to fill the situation of governess to Lady Arabella ; I AN ELDERLY LADY. 35 only alluded to what the world would be likely to say on such a subject." " I won't have an ugly governess, that I won't," said I, bursting into tears; for I had conceived the impression, that Doctor War- minster was opposed to my having a pretty one. The doctor smiled spitefully, as I thought; and my poor father wiped my eyes, and kissed my cheeks. Encouraged by his caresses, I re- peated, " I will have a pretty governess ! a very pretty governess ! shan't I, dear papa ?" As I thus vociferated, I looked triumphantly at the doctor, who took his leave, promising to seek for the sort of person " that would satisfy the fastidious taste of Lady Arabella." The following week brought a letter from the widow of a beneficed clergyman on one of my father's estates, detailing, that from her scanty income and large family, she was anxious to place one of her daughters in some family as governess ; and entreating his lordship to exert himself with his female relations to procure her a 36 THE CONFESSIONS OF situation. She added, that she hoped the youth of her daughter would not be an insuperable objection, as she was remarkably steady. " Why, this is the very thing," said my father. " What, papa?" asked I. " I think, my dear," answered he, " that I have at last found you a governess." " O ! I am so glad, so very glad," and I clapped my hands with joy ; " is she very young, dear papa? and is she very, very pretty?" " Yes, very young, my dear," replied my father, " and very good, I am sure ; for her father was an exemplary man, and her mother, I have heard, is an amiable woman." " But is she very pretty, papa?" " I don't know, my love, for I have never seen her; but, dear Arabella, remember what I have often told you, that it is better to be good than pretty." " But I will have her pretty, and good too ; for all pretty people are good, and ugly people are bad and cross." AN ELDERLY LADY. 37 " Indeed you are wrong, my child." Doubtlessly he was proceeding to demonstrate my error ; but I interrupted him, by saying, " No, indeed, papa, I am not wrong ; don't you remember how pretty, how very, very pretty my own dear sweet mamma was, and you often told me, no one was ever so good." He pressed me to his breast, and a tear mois- tened my cheek ; but I had not yet finished my exordium, so continued : " And you, dear papa, you are very pretty, and who was ever so good ? " He kissed me again. " But naughty Mrs. Sydenham, who was al- ways cross and disagreeable, she was ugly, very ugly, was she not, papa ? while good Mrs. Mary is pretty, though not so pretty as I want my governess to be. Yes, all pretty people are good, and ugly people are naughty ; so I will have a pretty governess." The allusion to my mother, and perhaps the compliment to himself, silenced, if they did not 30 THE CONFESSIONS OF convince my too indulgent father ; and he deter- mined to write to Mrs. Melville, to send up her daughter, as he wished to engage a governess for his little girl. If Miss Melville suited, she would be retained ; and if not, a compensation would be bestowed upon her for the trouble and expense of the journey. I counted the hours until an answer was re- ceived ; and shortly after, Miss Melville, attended by her brother, arrived. How my heart palpi- tated when she was announced ! and how I longed to have the deep bonnet and black veil, which though turned back, still shaded her face, re- moved, that I might ascertain if she was indeed very pretty. " Tell her to take off her bonnet, dear papa," whispered I. " No, not now, my dear," said he, sotto voce. The sound of her voice pleased me, it was low, soft, and clear ; and there was a timidity in her manner, that prepossessed me in her favour. My father kindly desired that her brother AN ELDERLY LADY. 39 might remain in the house, and ordered an apartment to be prepared for him, and good Mrs. Mary was summoned, to conduct Miss Melville to hers. " Let me go with her," said I, influenced by the curiosity I experienced to behold her face ; and taking her hand, I led her up the grand staircase, though good Mrs. Mary was for con- ducting her by the back stairs. When we had entered the room prepared for her, I scarcely allowed her to remove her gloves, before I en- treated her to take off her bonnet; nay, I began to untie its strings myself, so impatient was I to examine her face. An exclamation of delight escaped me as I beheld it ; for never did a more lovely one meet human gaze. A profusion of chesnut coloured silken ringlets shaded a coun- tenance of exquisite beauty, on which candour and innocence had set their seal ; and a figure, slight but of rounded symmetry, was revealed when the large cloak in which it had been enveloped was removed. 40 THE CONFESSIONS OF Her beautiful face became suffused with blushes as I exclaimed, clapping my hands all the while, " O yes, she is so pretty 5 so very, very pretty ! Now, I have a nice pretty governess, I never will let her leave me ! " and I kissed her affec- tionately. I thought, but perhaps it might be only fancy, that good Mrs. Mary did not seem so delighted with my new governess as I expected she would be, for I had already made up my mind that all who loved me should love her; consequently, I resented this imagined slight to my new favourite. I left her, while she prepared to change her travelling dress for another, and rushed frantic with joy to my father, vehemently exclaiming, " Oh ! dear papa, she is so beautiful, so very, very beautiful, that I am sure she must be good!" I was disappointed by the air of indifference with which this information was received; and was disposed to reproach my father with his AN ELDERLY LADY. 41 insensibility, but I observed that he looked more pale and languid than usual, and therefore from an instinct of affection forbore. Doctor Warminster coming in soon after, pro- nounced that my father had caught a cold, and manifested a feverish tendency; consequently, commanded that he should confine himself to his chamber for a day or two, and see no one. How I hated the doctor for this command ! for I had set my heart on astonishing my father by the beauty of Miss Melville; and could not support with common patience, the idea of any postponement of the gratification of my impe- tuous wishes. " Perhaps, my dear doctor, you would do me the favour of seeing Miss Melville and her bro- ther," said my father. " You will, in a conver- sation with her, ascertain whether she is capable of discharging the duties of the situation which I wish her to fill ; for, if otherwise, the sooner she knows that she cannot retain it, the less painful will be the loss of it to her." 42 THE CONFESSIONS OF " I won't have my pretty governess sent away," sobbed I " I love Miss Melville, and I will have her stay with me always." My father gave a look of helpless languor to the doctor, who in return shrugged up his shoulders, a favourite movement with him when not pleased, and left the library to see Miss Melville, and report progress. " I know he won't like my pretty governess," said I ; " for he wanted me to have an ugly old cross one, I know he did ; and I don't like nasty, ugly Doctor Warminster, that I don't !" " Really, my dear Arabella," replied my fa- ther, " you are now unjust, and unreasonable. Doctor Warminster has been always kind and attentive, and you grieve me when I see you thus obstinate and ungrateful." " You grieve me," was the severest reproof I had ever heard from my kind father's lips, and its power over me was omnipotent. It imme- diately rendered me docile; and, as I kissed him, I promised never again to designate Doctor AN ELDERLY LADY. 43 Warminster, as being " nasty," or " ugly ;" two expressions which my father observed were ex- ceedingly unbecoming in the mouth of a young lady. I counted the minutes impatiently during the doctor's absence. At the end of an hour, how- ever, he returned ; and confirmed my report as to the appearance of Miss Melville, by stating it to be, according to his guarded phraseology, " peculiarly prepossessing. But what is more important," continued he, " the young lady ap- pears sensible, modest, intelligent, and well educated ; and, notwithstanding her youth, I hope your lordship will have reason to be satis- fied with her. The brother, too, is a well man- nered, gentlemanly person, who wishes to enter the church, for which he has been brought up." My father appeared highly gratified by this account, while I, though greatly pleased at having my favourable impressions relative to my pretty governess confirmed, felt abashed at the consciousness of the injustice I had rendered to Dr. Warminster. 44 THE CONFESSIONS OF The indisposition of my poor father proved more serious than even his physician had first apprehended. It confined him to his bed-room for above a fortnight, to which I was prohibited more than a daily visit of five minutes' duration, perfect quiet being pronounced essential to his re- covery. But even in that limitted space I forgot not to repeat the warmest praises of dear, good MissMelville, omitting the epithet "pretty,"which she had requested me never to apply to her. " But you are pretty, prettier than any one," would I say, in remonstrance to her request on this subject; " and the truth should always be spoken, papa has often told me." " We are all formed by the Almighty." would Miss Melville answer, " it is His will, that we should be plain, or otherwise, and we should never attach any importance to the matter." The fortnight of my father's illness being spent entirely with my governess, enabled me to make a rapid progress in learning. Her gentleness, and patient attention, were assisted by my own AN ELDERLY LADY. 45 anxious desire, and I was delighted, when not at my lessons, to be read to by Miss Melville. Though the time passed quickly, and agreeably in my new studies, still I longed for my dear father's convalescence, that I might enjoy his society as well as Miss Melville's, and that I might also witness his surprise and pleasure at beholding her. He evinced, however, no desire on this point; on the contrary, he had been some days in the library, and had resumed his ordinary routine of life, and yet he still post- poned a compliance with my oft reiterated request to see her. What he refused to my entreaties, he at length yielded to my tears ; and it was agreed that Miss Melville should be invited to the library that evening. I watched, anxiously watched his coun- tenance, as she entered the room. But, to my great surprise and disappointment, I discovered no symptom of the rapturous admiration I had childishly anticipated. His reception of her was polite, nay, kind ; and her timidity, which had 46 THE CONFESSIONS OF no rustic awkwardness in it, but evidently arose from native modesty, rendered him still more affable to her. Vain of the little I had already acquired, I now displayed all my learning to my delighted father, who was as surprised as gratified by my rapid progress. Two hours fleeted quickly and happily away : Miss Melville was requested to give a list of all the books required for my scholastic pursuits; and politely offered permission to use any works the library contained, for her own perusal. She then left my father's presence, evidently pleased with her reception ; and my father seemed no less so with her. The next day, her brother was received by my father, who, after a long conversation, found him so sensible and well informed, that he wrote a letter to his friend the Bishop of , to recommend him for holy orders; being fully determined to bestow on him a small living in his gift. AN ELDERLY LADY. 47 This unlocked for good fortune delighted Miss Melville, who devoted every hour, and I may add every thought, to my improvement, which was as rapid as it was gratifying to my father. Our evenings were always spent in the library ; where, in a short time, at my request, a piano- forte was installed, from which Miss Melville drew sounds that answer only to a master hand. We soon persuaded her to accompany them with her voice ; and it would be difficult to say, whether the father or daughter listened with more pleasure to her dulcet tones. Having heard my father desire Doctor War- minster to look out for a gentleman to read to him, an hour or two a day, his own sight being too weak to permit his studying without pain, I entreated him to let Miss Melville undertake this office. At first he declined, but at length yielded, as he generally did, to my pertinacious perseverance. The flexibility, and delicate sweetness of her voice, the distinctness of her enunciation, and 48 THE CONFESSIONS OF the correctness of her style, at once surprised and charmed him. How triumphant was I, at witnessing this effect, though I longed to be able to share this new task with her. Two hours a day were henceforth devoted to this occupation. The books selected had a reference to my stu- dies. History, travels, and belles lettres were perused. I soon learned to point out, on the map, the different places named in the books, and made no inconsiderable progress in chrono- logy. My mind expanded; every day marked my improvement, and my father witnessed it with gratitude and pleasure. His health, too, appeared to become less delicate, now that he had a constant and cheerful society, and music, which always soothed and cheered him. Six months flew by, and found me each day more fondly attached to Miss Melville. In her gentle ear was poured every thought of my youthful mind, and on her sympathy did I al- ways count, and never in vain in all my plea- sures or pains, and the latter were but " few, AN ELDERLY LADY. 49 and far between." The manner of my dear father towards this charming young woman, was marked by a respectful kindness, that never varied, a kindness as remote from familiarity as from hauteur. Hers towards him, was the de- ferential attention of a modest young woman, who never presumed on his affability, but was anxious to merit a continuance of it. Doctor Warminster soon became one of her warmest friends, and was never tired of commending her to my father. We were all happy, when a letter arrived, announcing a visit from a maiden aunt of my father, who rarely visited London, but who, when she came, took up her abode at his man- sion. Young as I was, I could perceive that this announcement gave him pain; and when he communicated it to Doctor Warminster, the good man shook his head and shrugged his shoulders in a manner that indicated quite as expressively as words could do, that the expected arrival afforded him no satisfaction. I had no recol- D 50 THE CONFESSIONS OF lection of the Lady Theodosia Conningsby, but beholding the impression her intended visit con- veyed, I began to form a thousand fancies rela- tive to her. I observed that my father became thoughtful and nervous from the moment her intention of coming was announced, until she made her appearance ; and this alteration in him impressed me with no pleasurable anticipations with regard to the cause of it. Punctual to the hour she had named, Lady Theodosia Conningsby's old fashioned chariot, surmounted by capacious imperials, and high bonnet-cases, rolled to the door. Two ancient servitors, in rich liveries, made in a fashion as obsolete as that of the chariot, slowy descended from the roomy dicky-box, and as slowy assisted their mistress to alight, who, followed by her female attendant, bearing in her arms a lap-dog, entered the house. When Miss Melville and I were summoned to the library in the evening, we found Lady Theodosia seated vis-a-vis to my father, in a large AN ELDERLY LADY. 51 arm-chair. Her appearance was remarkably outree her dress being that a-la-mode, some half a century before. She was tall and extremely thin, her face long and meagre, her nose sharply pointed, her lips thin and descending at the corners, and her chin of inordinate length, and singularly protruded, as if in search of a view of the rest of her face. But her eyes ! There is no possibility of rendering justice to them. They were of a light greenish hue, and were so obliquely placed in their sockets that when fixed on one object, she seemed to be regarding some other, in a precisely contrary direction. In short, her whole appearance would have been considered grotesque, had not an expression of extreme ill- nature and acerbity pervaded every portion of her physiognomy, and the ob- liquity of her vision increased this repulsive and sinister character. " Give me leave to present to you Miss Melville," said my father politely and Miss 52 THE CONFESSIONS OF Melville courtesied to Lady Teodosia, who vouch- safed not the slightest notice in return. " This is my daughter," continued my father, who had not observed her ladyship's rudeness to my governess. " Arabella, go and welcome Lady Theodosia." I approached her with reluctance and she pressed her skinny and parched lips to my fore- head. I was for retreating after this salutation, but she sternly told me to remain, that she might examine my face, and see which of the family I most resembled. She drew forth a pair of spec- tacles, carefully wiped them, placed them astride her nose, and then deliberately surveyed me. " I think, nephew, that she resembles my grandmother very strongly don'tyou agree with me ? You, of course, never saw the Duchess, but her portrait you must remember. 1 was considered to bear a very striking family likeness to her." My poor father, to whom I turned an ap- pealing glance, could with difficulty repress a AN ELDERLY LADY. 53 smile that played about his lips; and Miss Melville looked intently at the carpet to avoid meeting my eyes. " Arabella has the family nose," continued Lady Theodosia, " yes, we all have that feature high and prominent, a beauty peculiar to those of noble and ancient race. The Bourbons all have it. Her eyes, too, are exactly like those of my grandmother. Do you not remember the portrait ?" " I confess the likeness does not strike me," replied my father. " Whom then do you think she resembles ?" demanded Lady Theodosia in an imperious tone. " Her dear mother," replied my father and his lip trembled with emotion, as it never failed to do when she was alluded to. " I see not the slightest likeness," answered she, " on the contrary, I think the child bears a most remarkable family resemblance to our 54 THE CONFESSIONS OF family," laying a peculiar emphasis on the word our. My father, who detested arguments, refrained from dissenting. But this tacit admission of her opinion by no means satisfied the pertinacious old lady. " I perceive, nephew, that you do not agree with me," resumed she. " I confess we differ," said my father, depre- catingly, " but every eye, you know, varies in its perception on those points." " No, nephew, I can admit no such fallacy. The eyes must be strange eyes indeed," and here she squinted most abominably " that do not discover that Arabella's are as like those of her grandmother's portrait as it is possible for eyes to be, and bear a strong resemblance to mine. " No they don't do they papa ?" exclaimed I all my incipient vanity wounded by the as- sertion, and tears starting to the lids of the AN ELDERLY LADY. 55 libelled orbs. A beseeching look from my father, and a terrified one from Miss Melville prevented me from finishing the sentence, which would have been extremely offensive to Lady Theodosia. " Upon my word, I cannot compliment the young person who enacts the part of governess to your daughter, on her pupil's progress in politeness," said Lady Theodosia haughtily and bitterly. " Had you, nephew, engaged Mistress Jefferson, whom I recommended, I think Lady Arabella would have been guilty of no such instance of ill breeding as that to which I have been a disgusted witness." Miss Melville's cheeks were suffused with blushes, and my poor father felt scarcely less embarrassed at the unfeeling rudeness of his callous and acrimonious aunt. " May I inquire why you did not attend to my recommendation, and to whom you are in- debted for the young person before me, whose extreme juvenility and inexperience render her 56 THE CONFESSIONS OF totally unfit for so grave and important a task?" Tears now stole down the fair cheeks of Miss Melville, which I observing, immediately ran and embraced her, begging her not to weep at any thing that old cross lady said. "Ton my word, this is too bad, nephew," said my aunt angrily, " I never beheld such a spoilt and rude child in my life as your daughter. But this comes of having young governesses, who fancy themselves beauties forsooth, and who are, perhaps, encouraged in the erroneous belief by those who have the folly to employ them." " Really, Lady Theodosia, I must entreat," said my father, agitated beyond measure, " that you will reserve your strictures for another occasion." " Will your lordship excuse my withdrawing?" said Miss Melville, with that meekness that ever characterised her. " Pray, by all means let her go I always think that such persons are wholly out of their AN ELDERLY LADY. 57 place when I see them intruded into the society of their superiors," observed Lady Theodosia. I followed Miss Melville from the library, leaving my poor dear nervous father to support, as best he might, the continuation of his dis- agreeable aunt's discussion ; and tried all my efforts to sooth Miss Melville, who wept bitterly at the rudeness to which she had been exposed. When Dr. Warminster came next day, he found my poor father confined to bed, and more indisposed than he had lately been. Miss Mel- ville had been summoned at an early hour of the morning to Lady Theodosia's dressing-room, whence a long lecture from her ladyship sent her back .her cheeks crimsoned, and her eyes bathed in tears. It was at this moment that Doctor Warminster entered the school-room. "Bless me, bless me, what is the matter?" asked the good man, on beholding the agitation of my governess. Sobs and tears were the only answer he received for five or six minutes ; but when he had taken from the family medicine D3 58 THE CONFESSIONS OF chest some sal volatile, and presented a glass of water, into which he had poured a few drops of it, to Miss Melville, she shortly became able to articulate. " O doctor ! you do not cannot believe the dreadful reports which Lady Theodosia asserts are circulated relative to me !" " What reports ? I know not even to what you refer; and I dare be sworn they originate wholly and solely in her ladyship's own brain, always prolific in ill-nature." " She has said such cruel, cruel things to me, doctor !" and here the poor girl's tears streamed afresh. " Some of them," and she blushed to her very temples, " I could not repeat they are too dreadful. She declares that my resi- dence beneath the roof of an unmarried man is a gross violation of all decency, that my reputation is destroyed for ever, and that I must leave the house. O doctor ! my poor mother my sisters my brother what will they, what can they say, when they hear this dreadful calumny? AN ELDERLY LADY. 59 But they know I am innocent !" and she wept bitterly. I heard no more, for I stole hastily from the apartment, ran to that of my father, and mounting on his bed, threw myself sobbing into his arms, exclaiming " Papa ! papa ! that nasty cross old lady has scolded poor dear Miss Melville, and made her cry, and said she shall not live with you and me. Do, dear papa, send that cross old lady away, and do not let my dear pretty governess leave me!" My tears gushed plentifully at the dread of losing Miss Melville, and I declared with sobs that I could not be happy, I could not live, without my own pretty, dear, good governess. My poor father appeared greatly agitated, but Doctor Warminster, who now came to his room, informed him that he had succeeded in soothing AN ELDERLY LADY. 279 " I hope the lady in question is of ancient descent, for I cannot bear the thought of a mes- alliance ; and I trust she possesses the same dig- nified manners that characterise Lady Theo- dosia?" Poor Lady Walsingham blushed to her very temples; but luckily no one observed this betrayal of her keen sense of the illiberal remark of her haughty hostess. " The lady is of high rank," answered I, " and her manners I have always considered very distinguished and agreeable. To be sure, she does condescend to please ; and never fails to succeed." " Then," retorted the hostess, angrily, " she must be, in my opinion, deficient in the dignity that ought to appertain to a high-born woman. I never could tolerate the idea of a lady of rank so far forgetting what is due to herself and sex, as to seek to obtain, by propitiation, the homage and the suffrage which her station ought to command." " Lady Doncaster speaks my sentiments on 280 THE CONFESSIONS OF this point," said her lord, looking pompously and half angrily ; " I mast say, I never could tolerate the modern system which, if it degene- rates not into a vulgar familiarity, is at least too much calculated to make people forget the line of demarcation which should ever subsist between a lady of ancient and noble lineage, and the mere pretenders to fashion ; who, by the influence of wealth, force themselves into a society they are so little fitted to adorn." " Lord Doncaster's notions on this subject are well worth attention and adoption," observed his lady wife, smiling complacently on him. " Your ladyship and his lordship's notions on all subjects, must ever be worth attending to," remarked the reverend doctor ; " and happy are those who have an opportunity of being edified by them." " Happy indeed;" ejaculated Dr. Holling- ford, in a tone partaking of a groan and a thanksgiving. " Why no later than yesterday, Sir Gregory Tomkinson observed to me, that AN ELDERLY LADY. 281 affairs would never go right until the Marquis of Doncaster was at their head." " What signifies the opinion of a city knight?" retorted Dr. Warburton, " when Sir John Haver- stoke, one of the most ancient baronets in Eng- land ; ay, and a man possessing a clear estate of twelve thousand pounds a year, told me last Sunday, after church, (for he makes it a point never to omit attending divine worship) that his lordship was the nobleman on whom all eyes were turned to be prime minister." " Though the opinions of Sir John Haverstoke are certainly worth attending to, as representing those of the landed interest in the county, still those of Sir Gregory Tomkinson are not to be despised ; for I have observed on more occasions than one, that he is a sensible and discriminating man." This speech was uttered by the noble host with an affectation of humility and condescension that was highly amusing; and the approval of Sir Gregory from so high a quarter carried balm 282 THE CONFESSIONS OF to the wound inflicted by Dr. Warburton on the feelings of the worthy M. D. " But for my part," resumed Lord Doncaster, " nothing would be more disagreeable to me than finding myself compelled to accept office. Indeed, nothing short of a royal command would induce me to do so; for, as Lady Doncaster very properly observed, when we talked the matter over, a person of my high rank and for- tune can gain no accession of dignity by holding office; and the fatigue and trouble present an insuperable objection, as I stated in a certain influential indeed, I may say illustrious quar- ter, when certain propositions were more than hinted at." " Yes," said the Marchioness, " my lord and I are placed in a position that precludes us from experiencing the temptations of ambition ; and I never could submit to be, as prime minister's wife, compelled to receive a heterogeneous mass of people, to whom it would be necessary to enact the gracious." AN ELDERLY LADY. 283 The D. D., M. D., and their respective wives, looked with increased awe and reverence at the noble host, and hostess ; but fortunately, a signal from the latter led us to the drawing-room, and released us from the prosy flatteries of the toad- eating doctors, and the self-complacent replies of the gratified host. We found our sejour at Doncaster Castle so irksome that we abridged it, and proceeded to- wards home, judging by this specimen of country houses that our own was preferable to any we might encounter. The eccentricities of our late host and hostess furnished abundant subject for my ill-natured comments during the first day of our route homewards; notwithstanding that Lady Wal- singham, with the kindness that always charac- terised her, interposed the shield of her good nature between their defects and the severity of my animadversions. She censured the too preva- lent habit in guests of violating the rights of hospitality, by criticising those infirmities which 284 THE CONFESSIONS OF the confidence of friendship has alone developed, and which in a less intimate intercourse would probably have never been revealed. " But who, my dear Lady Walsingham, would offer this hospitality, did they not intend to en- liven the t&dium vitce, by detecting the follies of their guests ; the recapitulation of which, after their departure, serves as an agreeable mode of varying the monotony of a country-house exist- ence. The guests are generally aware of this dissecting process, and repay it in kind. Now, I dare be sworn that at this moment Lord and Lady Doncaster are pitying ' that poor dear mild Lady Walsingham, (who, though, to be sure, a leetle dull, is nevertheless a very inoffensive good sort of a person) at being compelled to live with that flippant imperious Lady Arabella, who seems to think, forsooth, that because she comes of an ancient lineage, and is an heiress, she is superior to the rest of the world." *' How can you, Arabella, be so suspicious and satirical ?" AN ELDERLY LADY. 285 " And how can you, ma chere belle mere, be so very unsuspicious and good natured ?" This was the mode in which Lady Walsing- ham's reproofs were made and received. She was, in truth, the very soul of womanly charity, ever ready to put the most favourable con- struction on the actions of others, and to require none for her own ; for they were pure and blameless as her soul. Yet, strange to say, it was perhaps this unusual gentleness and bene- volence in her that urged me to a not unfrequent practice of the contrary qualities. Her extra- ordinary forbearance irritated me at times; and led to my expressing opinions that were not always founded in justice. She judged the world by the fair model of human nature best known to herself, while I drew my conclusions from the unfavourable specimen of it offered in my own character. We were both wrong; but her error was the more amiable. On arriving at the Marquis of Granby Inn, at Northallerton, where we were to remain for 286 THE CONFESSIONS OF the night, we after a light repast sought our separate chambers. After having dismissed my attendant, I recollected that 1 had forgotten a book in the sitting-room, to which I attached a peculiar value, it having been the gift of Lord Clydesdale. Fearful of its getting into other hands, I seized a light, and was hurrying in search of it, when my foot was caught in a rent of the stair carpet, and I was falling to the ground ; but was saved by being caught in the arms of a person who was ascending. Flurried and rendered nervous by this accident, I trembled so violently that the person who had arrested my fall still supported me; fearful lest I should again be exposed to a similar danger. I turned to thank him, when Oh ! merciful Heaven ! I recognised in the stranger him who for months and years had occupied every thought, t filled every dream, and was allied to every hope of my doting heart ! A passionate burst of tears relieved me; and "Do I again see you, Clydes- dale ? Dear always dear Clydesdale !" broke AN ELDERLY LADY. 287 from my lips, as clinging to him, and subdued by the surprise and joy of seeing him, I wept on his bosom. " Cruel Clydesdale ! how could you fly from me ? Ah ! if you knew the days of care, the nights without sleep, that I have passed since you left me !" And here my tears and sobs precluded me from finishing the sentence. All this scene passed on the public stair- case of a crowded inn ; and that there were no wit- nesses of it seems nothing short of a miracle. He trembled nearly as much as I did, and bore me into the sitting room to which I had been proceeding when we met, and the door of which stood open. When he had placed me on a chair, I fixed my eyes fondly on his face that face which memory had so often and tenderly re- called to my mind. Its paleness and solemnity so shocked and alarmed me, that, forgetful of the pride and delicacy of my sex, and awake only to v the dread of again losing him, I passionately poured forth the confession of my unchanged, my unchangeable love; the truth of which the 288 THE CONFESSIONS OF energy of my manner and the tears that bathed my cheeks too well attested. He made many efforts to interrupt me while I spoke, but I would not be checked. The feelings so long pent up in my heart now burst forth, and could not be repressed. What, then, was my agony at discovering that his countenance became still more pale and solemn as I proceeded. " Is it, can it be, Clydesdale," I exclaimed in deep humiliation, " that you no longer love me?" " The position in which this fatal rencontre places us," replied he, and he trembled while he spoke, " compels me to avow that, welcome as would once have been the confession you have made me, dear Lady Arabella, it now conies too late; for I, I am the husband of another." Never shall I forget the overpowering agony of that moment ! how I wished it was the last of my existence ! He, even he, the traitor, seemed to feel for the misery he had inflicted, but the AN ELDERLY LADY. 289 expression of pity on his countenance nearly maddened me. " Leave me ! leave me, for ever ;" I passion- ately exclaimed. " You shall be obeyed ;" an- swered he with sadness. " But do not let us part in unkindness. You have not, believe me, a truer friend." " Leave me ! " I again exclaimed, " unless you would see me driven to some act of insanity." He slowly left the room, and I stole to my chamber, to which my trembling limbs could scarcely bear me, like a degraded and guilty creature, whose heart was torn between the con- flicting emotions of love and shame. When I reflected that I had poured into the ear of the husband of another, the mad, the immodest avowal of a passion, which I could no longer entertain, or he reciprocate, without guilt and infamy, the deepest sense of humiliation took possession of my mind. I writhed in mental torture under this degrading consciousness of my own folly ; tears of agony flowed down my o '290 THE CONFESSIONS OF burning cheeks; and I dreaded to meet the light of day, deserted and despised, as I now felt myself to be. Jealousy also added its sharp pangs to those inflicted by disappointed love and shame. He, whom alone, I ever really, truly loved, was now lavishing on another those marks of affec- tion, which I once believed would be mine, and mine only. Nay, was perhaps, at that moment repeating to her my indelicate, my inexcusable conduct. When had he married, and how had it occurred, that the intelligence of his nuptials had not reached my ears ? It was strange ; it was unaccountable ! ! Never shall I forget the anguish I endured that night. Sleep deigned not to visit my pillow for even a few brief moments ; and I counted the weary hours as the clock told them, wishing that each might be the last of an exist- ence now rendered hateful to me. I arose when day had dawned, and endea- AN ELDERLY LADY. 291 voured, by the application of rose water, to remove from my eyes the redness occasioned by weeping. My temples throbbed with pain, and my limbs ached ; yet, though severely suffering from indisposition, I could still think of guard- ing appearances ; and before my maid had en- tered my chamber, I had succeeded in amelio- rating, if not in effacing the symptoms of my grief, sufficiently to make the old excuse of " a severe headache" explain the cause of my altered looks. " There has been a new married couple in the house, last night, my lady," said my femme de chambre, with that craving desire to commu- nicate intelligence peculiar to her class. " The Marquis of Clydesdale and his bride. They were married yesterday morning, your ladyship ; and are on their road to one of his lordship's fine country seats. The bride is a great beauty, and is daughter to the Duke of Biggleswade. I knew the lady's maid in my last place, and she o2 292 THE CONFESSIONS OF told me all about it after her ladyship had gone to bed." I dismissed Mrs. Tomlinson for a cup of strong coffee, anxious to abridge her communi- cations, every word of which inflicted a fresh pang; and trembling lest she should prate of the love of the happy couple, which I had not yet acquired sufficient fortitude to hear of, with- out the risk of betraying emotions that might give rise to suspicions of the state of my heart. How strange, and oh ! how much to be regretted, was the coincidence of my finding myself in the same house with Lord Clydesdale, and on such an occasion ! Yet this meeting was occasioned wholly by my own obstinacy in resisting the entreaties of my late host and hostess to prolong my stay with them for an- other day. Had I yielded, how much of humi- liation had I been spared ! But it was fated that through life my wilfulness was to draw down its own punishment. AN ELDERLY LADY. 293 How was I to act towards Lady Walsinghara ? Should I confess my interview with my ci de- vant lover, and the mortifying position in which I had placed myself, trusting to her affectionate sympathy for an alleviation of the misery I was enduring ? I longed to give a free course to the pent tears, that were every moment struggling to start forth ; and to weep on that gentle bosom which had from early youth so often supported my aching head, when pain or sorrow had assailed me. But pride, ungovernable pride, forbade this indulgence ; and dictated a line of conduct which added to my chagrin, by rendering deception, and hypocrisy absolutely necessary. Oh ! the martyrdom of smiling when tears are ready to gush forth ; of talking on indifferent subjects when all thoughts and feelings are con- centrated on a prohibited one ; or of speaking on that one with an assumed carelessness, to sup- port the appearance of which, requires a self- control almost beyond the reach of woman. Yet this was the conduct I adopted ; for not 294 THE CONFESSIONS OF even to Lady Walsingham, dearly as I knew she loved me, and implicitly as I was aware that I might confide in her, could my pride permit me to relate the truth ; however soothing might be the tender sympathy, it could not fail to awaken. No ! I would affect a perfect indiffer- ence on the subject of Lord Clydesdale's mar- riage ; and whatever the effort might cost me, no human being should discover the agony I was enduring. It is thus that our own defects, and there is not a more pernicious one in its consequences than pride, adds new stings to the misfortunes that assail us. Disappointment loses half its bitterness when it is confided to some affectionate friend who listens with sym- pathy, and who shares if she cannot alleviate the sting. Yet of this consolation did I deprive myself, urged by that indomitable pride that had so often led me astray ; and which was the severest avenger of the follies it had occasioned, by rendering me still more deeply conscious of their humiliating effects. When I met Lady Walsingham at breakfast, AN ELDERLY LADY. 295 no word of hers indicated her knowledge that Lord and Lady Clydesdale had sojourned beneath the same roof with us the night be- fore; that they were in fact still beneath it. I had risen much earlier than my accustomed hour, anxious to quit the inn before those I so much wished to avoid had left their chamber. But my evil destiny still pursued me ; for, while Lady Walsingham and I stood at the window impatiently waiting to hear our travelling car- riage announced, that of Lord Clydesdale drove up to the door to receive its owners. To with- draw from the window, would be to expose my secret feelings to Lady Walsingham ; and there- fore I stood, with the semblance of calmness, though my very heart throbbed with intense pain. She made some excuse for absenting herself from the room, and I thanked her for this delicate attention ; though I feared it indi- cated a knowledge of my weakness that I had hoped she had not acquired. I was, conse- quently, left alone, and determined whatever 296 THE CONFESSIONS OF pain the effort might cost me, to behold the wife of him, to whom / had hoped to have stood in that near and dear relation. I waited not long, for in a few minutes the bridegroom led forth his bride, and assisted her to ascend the carriage. There was an affectionate solici- tude apparent in the performance of even this trivial action, that indicated a more than ordi- nary tenderness, and therefore inflicted an acute pang on my heart. There was a time when / was the object of similar attentions from him; attentions performed with an earnestness of affection more flattering to her who received them, than all that mere gallantry ever sug- gested. The person of Lady Clydesdale was tall and graceful, and her face, of which, when she was seated in the carriage I had a full view, was one of the most beautiful I had ever beheld. Its surpassing loveliness too well explained why mine was forgotten; and as I gazed on it for the few minutes that intervened ere the servants AN ELDERLY LADY. 297 were ready to start, I fancied that I might have better borne his marriage had the object of his selection been less beautiful. Yet perhaps it was well for me that her loveliness had made such a forcible impression on my mind; for from the moment I had beheld her, I never could think of him without associating her image with his. Hence, by slow degrees I learned to repress the painful recollection of my unhappy disclosure ; but not until many a bitter thought and sleepless night had expiated my folly. Lady Walsingham never recurred to the sub- ject ; and I, though anxious to display my affected indifference by conversing on it with nonchalance, had not resolution sufficient to name it. Her affectionate attentions to me seemed to increase daily, and strange to say, not unfrequently occasioned me more of pain than pleasure, as I fancied they originated in the pity excited by the contrast of our respective prospects. o3 298 THE CONFESSIONS OF On arriving at Walsingham Castle, the neighbouring nobility and gentry again flocked to visit me. Among them was one, whom at my former sejour in the country I had not seen, though his name was frequently mentioned. Lord Wyndermere was then on the continent; and was represented to me as a man of great personal attractions and accomplishments, with a highly cultivated mind. His father had been so ex- travagant as to leave his estate heavily incum- bered at his death ; and his successor's income was represented as being totally inadequate to the support of his rank and station. As a boy, Lord Wyndermere had been much beloved in the neighbourhood, and was now always spoken of with respect and regard. He * had only lately returned to Wyndermere Abbey, a fine old seat about twenty miles distant from mine, where he was residing with a very limited establishment; but his society was universally sought and appreciated in the circle in which I lived. AN ELDERLY LADY. 299 We soon met ; and I found that report had not exaggerated his merits. A t hough tfulness of manner amounting almost to pensiveness, dis- tinguished him from the common herd of young men, whose frivolity and gaiety never appeared to greater disadvantage than when contrasted with his mild seriousness. This gravity, so un- usual at his age, was generally attributed to the straitened circumstances in which he found him- self placed ; and it served to increase the interest he excited. His poverty, and the dignified equanimity with which it was borne, was a pass- port to my favour ; which was the more readily yielded to him, from his making no effort to ac- quire it. He was polite to all ; but there was a reserve in his very politeness that precluded familiarity ; and to me, he was less attentive though always scrupulously well bred than to any other of the ladies who formed our society. I am fully per- suaded, that had Lord Wyndermere possessed affluence, he would have only created a common- 300 THE CONFESSIONS OF place sentiment of good will in my mind : but his high birth and scanty means awakened a thousand of those romantic and commiserating thoughts and feelings peculiar to women, which generally terminate in the creation of a warm in- terest in their minds at least, if not in their hearts. I often detected him gazing on me, and observed, that on such occasions, he seemed embarrassed, and avoided looking at me again for some time. Though I was ready to admit the superiority of Lord Wyndermere over most part of the men of my acquaintance, I never- theless considered him immeasurably inferior to Lord Clydesdale ; and the consciousness of this inferiority, which never forsook me, precluded me from entertaining any warmer sentiments towards him, than esteem and pity. Notwith- standing my indifference, after a month or two had elapsed, during which period we frequently met, I began to be piqued as well as surprised, at discovering that he was more assiduous to any or every woman of our circle than to myself. AN ELDERLY LADY. 301 His attentions to them, however, never exceeded that polite gallantry so universally adopted by all gentlemen at that period; still, to me, he was more cold, more ceremonious, and avoided, rather than sought occasions for conversing with me. Yet when I have been talking to others I have remarked, with a truly feminine vigil- ance, that he invariably ceased speaking, and listened with a deep interest. This incon- sistency of behaviour aroused a certain degree of curiosity in my mind ; and that woman is in danger in whom this sentiment is awakened. Pity and curiosity are said to be exclusive attri- butes of the female character ; the first I do believe to be a distinctive feature ; but the second, and less amiable quality, appertains equally to both sexes. I will leave to casuists to determine which of the two sexes are the more entirely influenced by it, while I acknow- ledge that I was governed by both at this epoch ; even though the wound inflicted on my peace 30'2 THE CONFESSIONS OF by the late death-blow to its long cherished hopes, still bled and rankled. Lord Westonville now came to claim his bride, and for die first time of my life, I found myself de trop> though in my own house. His brief separation from the object of his affection served to increase his passion for her. He had eyes only for her, was never happy when she was not present ; and notwithstanding his good breeding, it was obvious, that the presence of a third person was by no means agreeable to him. He was anxious that the honey moon should be passed tete-a-tete ; but how was this natural wish to be accomplished without leaving me unpro- tected ? an indecorum not to be tolerated in the good old times of etiquette and propriety to which I refer. I quickly discovered, by various nameless trifles, all that was passing in the mind of my stepmother's future husband ; and the discovery awakened serious reflections in my breast. If AN ELDERLY LADY. 303 I thus felt the annoyance of being de trap in my own house, how much more unbearable would it become when I found myself in his ; and yet to dwell without a chaperon was impossible. The few female relatives who might have filled this onerous office towards me, were all too personally disagreeable to me, to admit of my submitting to their society. What therefore was I to do, or where bestow my person for even a few weeks, while ma belle mere was enacting the part of bride? I was positively humiliated, as all these peurile annoy- ances presented themselves to my imagination : my dependent position galled my vanity, and led to some sober reflections on the advantages of a wedded life, which precluded the necessity of chaperons. Sincere and warm as was my attachment to Lady Walsingham, I could not at all tolerate the idea of forming a tiers in her future domestic circle, with the consciousness that my presence would be an irksome restraint on her lord. Then to find myself always a 304 THE CONFESSIONS OF secondary object, a continual witness to the homages offered to another. No ! it was not to be borne ; and I almost " wished that hea- ven had made me such a man." Yet not exactly quite such a man; but in short some convenable parti, whose presence would relieve me from all necessity of chaperons ; and whose devoted attentions would convince me, that I too might be worshipped in my own temple. While making these reflections, shall I confess that the handsome but serious face of Lord Wyndermere more than once occurred to my mind. He would not have been an unsuitable husband ; for though poor, he, it was quite evi- dent, was no fortune hunter; and his family was as ancient and noble as my own. It would have been very desirable also, to prove to those in general, who might suspect my former attachment to Lord Clydesdale, and to that individual himself in particular, that it never could have been of a serious character, by my so speedily following his example in marrying. AN ELDERLY LADY. 305 But it was useless for me to think of this subject, as it was quite obvious Lord Wyndermere had never bestowed a thought upon it. Neverthe- less, I did think of it occasionally, and especially when the sighs and whispers of the doting Lord Westonville reminded me that my presence in- terrupted the impassioned eloquence of his con- versation to his future bride. One of the nearest of my neighbours was a very handsome widow, a Mrs. Temple Clarendon, remarkable for the fascination of her manners, and the exemplary propriety of her conduct. Left a widow at twenty-two, with an enormous jointure, the whole of which was to be forfeited in case of her contracting a second marriage, she, now in the fourth year of her widowhood, appeared to have renounced all thoughts of ma- trimony, and was but lately returned from the Continent, where she had spent three years. I quickly formed an intimacy with this lady : con- genial tastes and habits cemented it into friend- ship, and I considered it as peculiarly fortunate, 306 THE CONFESSIONS OF when, having confided to her my embarrassment with regard to accompanying ma belle mere on her honeymoon expedition, she obviated the dif- ficulty by kindly and warmly soliciting me to take up my abode with her during the absence of the future Lady Westonville. I yielded a ready assent Lord Westonville looked as if he thought the plan an admirable one, though he feebly uttered something about regretting the loss of my society; and Lady Walsingham, though really loth to be separated from me, acceded to a project that seemed to afford me so much satisfaction. The nuptials took place a few days after. The same number of white favours, and the same quantity of bride-cake, were distributed, as is customary on such occasions ; the same splendid dejeuner was partaken of, and the quantum of tears shed. When this established portion of the performance had been exhibited, the whole was orthodoxly concluded by a new and tasteful equipage, with postillions and outriders decked AN ELDERLY LADY. 307 with wedding favours, whirling the bride and bridegroom from the door. I could not see her, who had been my kind and attached companion for so many years, de- part without deep regret. It brought back to me the recollection of the days of my youth, and of that fond father who was in the grave. But Mrs. Temple Clarendon, who was present, soon cheered me by her attentions ; and, by the time we had reached her dwelling, my spirits were restored to their wonted tone. The next day, we dined at a neighbouring nobleman's, and there we met Lord Wyndermere, and, to my no slight annoyance, Sir Augustus Fauconberg, the friend of Lord Clydesdale ; he whose disclosure of the motive of his friend's ab- sence on the anniversary of the death of his first love, had led to our separation. He was asso- ciated in my mind with one of the most painful events of my life, an event which he, in a great measure, caused ; and, therefore, I disliked him. To this objection to meeting him again was added 308 THE CONFESSIONS OF the fear that he might disclose my former en- gagement to Lord Clydesdale ; every reference to which I detested ever since he had become the husband of another. I soon found that Mrs. Temple Clarendon was an old acquaintance of his ; Lord Wyndermere also had met him on the Continent; and I felt any thing but gratified when I heard her engage both gentlemen to meet a party at her house the ensuing day. During the evening I accompanied the Ladies Percival, the daughters of our host, into a conservatory that communicated with the suite of drawing-rooms, and into which the windows of several of them opened. While admiring some rare plants on the pyramidal stand, which completely concealed me from those in the drawing-room, I heard Sir Augustus Fauconberg observe to Lord Wyndermere, that I seemed to have quite surmounted my attachment for Lord Clydesdale. Curiosity rivetted me to the spot ; and, luckily, my companions were too far distant to hear what was passing. AN ELDERLY LADY. 309 " Is it possible that Lady Arabella Walsing- ham ever could have loved in vain ?" exclaimed Lord Wyndermere. " Why, not exactly that," replied Fauconberg, and I hated him from that moment, " Clydes- dale was very much in love with her, and they were on the point of being married ; that is, they were affianced, and all that sort of thing. But she took it into her imperious little head, (and I can assure you a devilish proud head it is), that because he had once loved before, and still retained a mournful recollection of her he had loved, she, forsooth, was ill-used; and so, (can you believe such folly?) she wrote a haughty letter to poor Clydesdale, commanding him to see her no more. You have no idea how long and severely he suffered from this capricious conduct of hers ; for he was really attached to her, and she too, I fancy, liked him extremely." What were my feelings at hearing this ! " How any man that Lady Arabella had once honoured with her preference could think of, 310 THE CONFESSIONS OF much less bestow his hand on another, appears to me almost incredible ; for she is a woman that once seen, can never be forgotten," said Lord Wyndermere. " Hang me, if you are not a little smitten yourself," replied Fauconberg. " Why not en- deavour to render the sentiment reciprocal? With her vast fortune, and your encumbered one, it would be the very wisest plan in the world." I was all ear, and listened with intense anxiety to this discourse. " It is precisely because she has a vast fortune, and I an encumbered one, that I must never think of her. I am too proud to become a suitor to the heiress, though I could worship the woman, and" Here the Ladies Percival approached ; and, fearful that they might discover that I had been an eaves-dropper, I quietly joined them, and sauntered towards another part of the conser- vatory. AN ELDERLY LADY. 311 This overheard conversation made a deep impression on me. Now was the reserve of Lord Wyndermere explained, and explained in a manner most flattering to my vanity, and credit- i able to his feelings. What pride and delicacy did his sentiments evince ! Handsome and agreeable as I had hitherto considered him, he was now invested with fresh attractions in my mind ; and I felt elated at the conquest I had achieved. Yes, his was indeed a heart worth captivating; he could not even imagine that / could love in vain, nor believe that a person once preferred by me could ever think of another. These two concise and simple sentences con- tained a compliment more gratifying to my amour propre than all the eulogiums that ever had been poured into my ear ; and what woman forgets, or remains indifferent to the man, who considers her irresistible ? Anxious to disprove the assertion of my former attachment to Lord Clydesdale, I now assumed a more than ordinary gaiety. I referred with an 312 THE CONFESSIONS OF air of perfect indifference to past scenes in Italy; had even resolution enough to name Lord Clydesdale, and spoke of his marriage, as if he had never stood in any other relation to me than a mere common acquaintance. I stole a glance at Lord Wyndermere, to observe what effect this seeming indifference had on him ; and was gratified by remarking that his countenance betrayed a more than usual expression of satis- faction. From this evening, I found myself continually in the society of my new admirer. Invited to the same houses, we were drawn together without either of us having the air of seeking any inter- course. By degrees, his reserve wore away, and his looks and manner assumed more of softness and tenderness towards me. Still, no word of love was breathed ; and I, to say the truth, began to fear his objections to an heiress were indeed insurmountable. It was not that I loved, or even fancied that I loved him ; for the depth and force of my former unhappy attachment had been AN ELDERLY LADY. 313 such as to convince me I should never love again. But the peculiarity of my position, and my dis- like to finding myself en tiers with Lord and Lady Westonville, led me to think with complacency of avoiding such a dilemma by rewarding the romantic and disinterested affection of Lord Wyndermere with my hand and fortune. Affairs stood in this position, when the absence of the new married couple, which, from the arranged four weeks of its duration, had grown into twice that length of time, was drawing to a close: and I was thinking, with no pleasurable feelings, of enacting the part of witness to their connubial felicity, when Mrs. Temple Clarendon asked me whether I had observed how much smitten with me poor Lord Wyndermere was. I affected to doubt the truth of the statement ; and remarked that a man in love was not likely to be so reserved and distant with the object of it. This led to an animated declaration on her part that she had been aware of his violent and hopeless passion from its commencement, which p 314 THE CONFESSIONS OF dated from the day he beheld me for the first time. She eloquently painted his despair at feeling an attachment which, from the difference in our fortunes, must be a hopeless one; but which, nevertheless, would terminate but with his existence. His pride and delicacy opposed obstacles to his avowal of his feelings, which a belief that they were not repugnant to me could alone overcome; and she entreated, nay, implored that I would authorise her, who was the sincere and disinterested friend of both Lord Wynder- mere and myself, to give him to understand that he was not disagreeable to me. The warmth and earnestness of her pleading won on me ; and, aided by the insidious foe within my breast, vanity, led me to believe all that she asserted. She particularly dwelt on the circumstance of Lord Wyndermere's having hitherto never felt the influence of the tender passion, a circum- stance, above all others, the most calculated to gratify my fastidious and jealously disposed mind ; and, as memory reverted to the pangs I AN ELDERLY LADY. 315 had formerly endured from the knowledge of my former suitor's prior attachment, I reflected with complacency that in the present instance no such painful reminiscences could ever wound me. I should be the only idol ever worshipped in the shrine of his heart, that heart which proved its delicacy and refinement by having so long resisted all the blandishments of female attractions, reserving itself for me, and me alone ! The consequence of these reflections was, that I suffered Mrs. Temple Clarendon to whisper hope to her friend ; and, in a few minutes after he was at my met. But, though he breathed vows, whose fervour were well calculated to establish in my mind the conviction of his love, he left me in doubt whether his pride did not still oppose an insuperable barrier to our union. He described the humiliating position of a man dependent on a wife, and always subject to the mortifying, the degrading suspicion, of having been influenced to marry her by mercenary P2 316 THE CONFESSIONS OF motives. So eloquently and feelingly did he speak on this subject, that it required no in- considerable encouragement on my part to reconcile him to the idea ; for, won by the pas- sionate ardour of his manner, I was, or fancied myself, touched by something approaching to a sympathy with his sentiments. In short, when Mrs. Temple Clarendon joined the conference, and urged that, although an heiress, my attractions were too prominent to admit a doubt of their being the whole and sole charm in a lover's eyes, Lord Wyndermere's scruples were vanquished ; and I consented to receive him as my accepted suitor. He was all gratitude and rapture ; and / indulged in that self-complacency peculiar to vain people, when their amour propre has been gratified, and their pride flattered by conferring an obligation. I returned to Walsingham Castle in time to receive Lord and Lady Westonville ; who, all smiles and happiness, offered a perfect picture of conjugal felicity. Never had two months pro- AN ELDERLY LADY. 317 duced a more complete metamorphosis on any human being, than in ma belle mere. The object of unceasing attention and doting love, her pre- sence conferring delight on her husband, and her slightest wish a law, she had acquired a cheerfulness and self confidence that lent her new charms, without having lost any of that winning gentleness which had always charac- terised her. When, during the very first evening of our meeting, I observed the all-engrossing attention she excited, and the evident gne and constraint my presence imposed on her husband, I inwardly rejoiced that in a short time her chaperonage would no longer be required. She also, sincerely as she was attached to me, had, during our separation, learned too well, to appreciate the comforts of a home where she alone was wor- shipped, not to experience a restraint at the pro- spect of becoming a permanent guest in mine. This state of their feelings, though both of them endeavoured to conceal it, was thoroughly 318 THE CONFESSIONS OF visible to my keen perception ; and I anticipated the satisfaction with which they would hail their freedom from the wearying thraldom of chape- ronage. I was not disappointed. They listened to my avowal of my engagement with evident pleasure, approved my choice ; and we all three appeared to become more attached to each other, in the anticipation of our mutual release. The next day brought Mrs. Temple Cla- rendon, intent on the momentous business of marriage settlements. She had many suggestions to offer, all based on the absolute necessity of taking measures to avoid wounding the pride and delicacy of Lord Wyndermere's sentiments. His poverty, she said, rendered him so susceptible, that / must place him in a state of perfect inde- pendence; and that, without consultation or reference to him. I was as ready to act on this suggestion as she was to offer it ; but I had only a life interest in my estates, they being strictly entailed on any children I might have. The personal property I was at liberty to bequeath ; AN ELDERLY LADY. 319 and I determined on placing it at his disposal. My guardians offered many objections to this scheme, but I was resolute; and the more so, from observing the perfect disinterestedness of my future husband. To be sure, had he even been disposed to study his own interest, he never could have more effectually taken care of it than by trusting to our mutual friend, Mrs. Temple Clarendon; who was indefatigable in her exer- tions and counsel on this subject. In due time, the law's delays having been abridged of half their tediousness, by the per- severing endeavours of Mrs. Temple Clarendon, I was led to the hymeneal altar, nothing loth ; but with no warmer sentiment towards him on whom I bestowed my hand and fortune, than an admiration of his personal attractions and a sense of gratitude for his devoted attachment. Months rolled on, his attention to me unre- mitting, and my affection to him daily increasing, awakened into life by the constant and impas- sioned demonstrations of his. I was now in that 320 THE CONFESSIONS OF state in which ladies are said to " wish to be who love their lords;" and I looked forward with feelings of new delight to the prospect of be- coming a mother : when, one day, Lord Wyn- dermere, in returning from his accustomed ride, was thrown from his horse, brought home sense- less, and expired in a few hours. I will not dwell on the affliction into which this sad event plunged me. For many weeks my life was in imminent danger : and the hope of maternity deserted me, now when such a blessing alone could have consoled me for the bereavement I had sustained. Those who have lost a husband, ere he had ceased to be a lover, ere a frown had ever curved his brow, or a harsh word escaped his lips, can alone imagine the grief and desolation of my heart at this calamity. The very cir- cumstance of my belief in the passionate fervour of his love, and the consciousness that mine was of a much less warm character, being in fact only an affectionate friendship founded on a grateful AN ELDERLY LADY. 321 sense of his devotion tome, added to the poignancy of my regret. I reproached myself for having previously to my acquaintance with him, ex- hausted the energies of my heart in an attach- ment to another, while he had reserved all the warmth of his for me. The soothing attentions of Lady Westonville, who, with her lord, had flown to me the moment that intelligence of my bereavement had reached her, were ineffec- tually used to console me. I encouraged rather than attempted to subdue my grief; for an oblivion of it appeared to me nothing short of an insult to the memory of the dead. How I wished to have Mrs. Temple Clarendon with me ; she, who so highly esteemed the dear de- parted, could better sympathize with my regret than Lady Westonville, who had seen too little of him to be aware of his merits. But unfor- tunately, Mrs. Temple Clarendon was absent from England; having made an excursion to the south of France two months before for the P3 322 THE CONFESSIONS OF benefit of her health, which had lately been in a declining state. I used to take a melancholy pleasure, when again able to leave my chamber, in sitting for hours in the dressing room of my lost husband, in which I had ordered every thing appertaining to his toilette and wardrobe to be left as when he inhabited it. The books he had preserved and marked, the unfinished letters on his table were now become dear and precious mementos of him in my eyes. Why was I so unfortunate as to be deprived of this consolation, melan- choly though it was ? and why did my evil stars conduct me to a discovery that banished all soft regrets, and rendered me for the rest of my existence, cold, suspicious, and unloving ? In an unlucky hour, my heart still filled with fond remembrances of my husband, it occurred to me to open his escritoir, the key of which hung to the chain of his watch, which now always rested on my table as a sacred relic. Its drawers AN ELDERLY LADY. 323 contained only a few letters of little interest from friends ; and the billets I had written to him during the epoch that intervened from my acceptance of him to our marriage. I bedewed them with my tears, as I marked how carefully he had arranged and treasured them; and my regret was renewed by this little proof of affec- tion. In replacing them a burst of weeping led me to incline my head on both arms on the desk part of the escritoire ; and in the action, I involuntarily pressed a secret spring, which flew open, and discovered a cavity in which were many letters and a large gold medallion. An indescribable presentiment of evil seized me at the sight; and I almost determined on closing the escritoir, and never to examine the contents of the secret cavity. Would that I had persevered in this resolution ! but curiosity, or a stronger motive prevailed, and I opened the medallion. Never shall I forget the feeling of that moment, when the portrait of Mrs. Temple Clarendon, 324 THE CONFESSIONS OF a most striking resemblance, met my astonished gaze. No doubt of the relation in which the original of the picture stood to him, to whom such a gift was made, could exist ; for a long lock of hair, and an Italian inscription of the warmest nature but too clearly explained it. The medallion fell from my trembling hands, and my eyes involuntarily closed as if to shut out the sight that had thrust daggers to my heart. I shook with the violence of my emotions, as my tortured brain recalled a thou- sand circumstances, received by me as proofs of an honorable friendship between my husband and Mrs. Temple Clarendon, but to which the portrait and its indelicate inscription now lent a totally different colouring. So then, I was their dupe ! their weak and credulous dupe ! and all my fond dreams of love and friendship were destroyed for ever ! Anger, violent and powerless anger, arose like a whir 1 wind in my breast, blighting and searing every soft and womanly feeling, and replacing the AN ELDERLY LADY. 325 tender sorrow that so lately usurped my thought, by a jealous and impotent rage, that would have fain called up the dead from his everlasting sleep, to wreak on him some mighty vengeance. Burning tears of passion chaced the soft ones of grief from my eyes. I vowed to punish the false and vicious woman whose dupe I had been, by a public exposure of her shame ; and I was almost tempted to imprecate curses on the memory of him, whose death I had so lately mourned with anguish. The perusal of the letters nearly maddened me, for the whole nefarious plot was revealed in them. Lord Wyndermere had long been the lover of Mrs. Temple Clarendon ; but as the unhallowed liaison had taken place on the Continent, and appear- ances were strictly guarded between them, it had never been talked of in England. When it first occurred, it was his intention to have married her, and with her large fortune repair his decayed one ; but on discovering the clause by which, in case of her forming a second ma- 326 THE CONFESSIONS OF trimonial alliance, she was to forfeit her wealth, he abandoned all thought of adopting this course; especially as she was as little desirous as himself to forge chains that would reduce her from splendour, to comparative indigence. She knew my wealth, had heard of the weakness and vanity of my character, and as their pas- sion was no longer in its first wild hey-day they agreed to return to England and concoct a plan to catch the heiress. How well they had succeeded, my marriage, and the lavish gene- rosity I displayed towards my disinterested hus- band, has proved. Oh ! how I loathed them, and despised myself, as with burning cheeks, throb- bing temples, and tortured heart, I perused the details of their artifice and guilt. O " I give you great credit," wrote this shame- less woman, " for your ready tact in taking advantage of Lady Arabella's approach in the conservatory, when you were conversing with Mr. Fauconberg. The few sentences you uttered on that occasion, will lay the foundation of the AN ELDERLY LADY. 327 superstructure I mean to erect. Such are her vanity and folly, that it only requires a tenth part of the address we possess, to secure her, and her fortune. You must enact the silent, despair- ing, but adoring lover, for a short time, and success will inevitably crown our efforts. After all she is handsome, and not a greater fool than nine-tenths of the girls of her age; therefore, you are not so much to be pitied as you would fain have me believe. With regard to pecuniary matters, leave the arrangement of all them to me ; / can suggest what it would appear merce- nary and indelicate in you to propose. Your role is, to affect a most romantic love, and a fierte with regard to fortune, that will, aided by my advice, compel her to display a lavish generosity." Each, and all, of the letters, contained similar proofs of dissimulation, and wickedness. The correspondence, subsequently to my ill-fated marriage, was carried on between the guilty pair with even an increased warmth, leaving no 328 THE CONFESSIONS OF doubt of their continued criminality ; for the last letter received from this atrocious hypocrite, stated, that he was wrong to blame her for going abroad, as, had she longer remained in England, her increasing shape must have excited sus- picions destructive to that reputation which she had hitherto so successfully preserved free from taint. For many months, the rage and indignation to which I was a constant prey, sensibly impaired my health ; and change of air and scene having been prescribed for me, I left England, attended by a numerous suite, and passed many years in visiting Germany, Italy, and Sicily. My in- vincible dislike to encountering Mrs. Temple Clarendon, prevented me from returning to Walsingham Castle; for, although I had long abandoned all thoughts of making her conduct known, I felt that I could not meet her without betraying my contempt and dislike. I kept up a constant correspondence with Lady Westonville, who became the mother of a AN ELDERLY LADY. 329 large family, all of whom she lived long enough to see happily established : and when, after twenty years' absence from my native land, I returned to its shores, I experienced from her the same affectionate friendship that had ever characterised her conduct to me. The death of Mrs. Temple Clarendon re- moved my principal objection to returning to Walsingham Castle. She died, as she had lived, maintaining, until the last, a hypocritical de- corum, that served to conceal her vices. She bequeathed a considerable fortune to a young French lady, whom she had, some twenty years before, adopted ; and whom she represented as the orphan daughter of a dear friend in the South of France ; but whose remarkable resem- blance to Lord Wyndermere and herself, left no doubt, on my mind at least, of the relation in which she had stood to her. Never shall I forget the feelings I experienced when, after an absence of above twenty years, I returned to Walsingham Castle; no longer the 330 THE CONFESSIONS OF young and blooming creature that had left it, but the staid, sober, and faded woman of forty- five ; retaining, alas ! many of the faults of my youth, but none of its elasticity of spirits or hopes. I had not passed so many years of my life without receiving several matrimonial overtures, but they had all been imperiously rejected ; for the deceptive conduct of Lord Wyndermere had rendered me too suspicious, ever again to expose myself to the chance of similar treatment. And yet my heart still yearned for something to love ; some object to lean upon in my descent to old age, that period in which woman most needs the support of affection. But if, in the bloom of youth and beauty, I had been sought only for my fortune, how could I hope, as these advantages were fast disappearing, that I could ever inspire the sentiment so essential to happi- ness ? Each year, as its flight stole away some personal attraction, rendered me still more sus- picious of the professions of regard made to me ; AN ELDERLY LADY. 331 hence, I closed my heart to any new attachment, though that heart pined for the blessing of sym- pathy and affection. It was a lovely summer's evening when I arrived at Walsingham Castle. A crowd of aged domestics and retainers pressed forward, to welcome me; and the whole scene so exactly resembled that which was presented to me when, nearly a quarter of a century before, I first visited the lovely spot, that I could almost fancy not more than a year had elapsed since I last beheld it. The beauty of the scene, and the joy of those who welcomed me, encouraged the illusion. My heart felt lighter than for long years it had been wont to do; my step became more elastic, as I again paced the halls of my paternal man- sion, and as I gazed on the well-known objects around, now tinged by the glowing and golden beams of the setting sun, some portion of my youth and its hopes seemed restored to me. I ascended to my chamber with nimbler feet than I had long known ; and threw myself into 332 THE CONFESSIONS OF a bergere, delighted to find myself again in my ancestral home. The hangings, the tasteful and elegant furniture, and ornaments of my luxurious suite of apartments, had been kept carefully covered ; and now looked as well as in their pristine freshness. All appeared so exactly as I had left it, that I was tempted to doubt the possibility that four-and-twenty years had indeed elapsed since I had last beheld it. I removed my bonnet and cloak; and ap- proached the mirror to arrange my cap, that mirror in which I had so often, with pride and pleasure, contemplated my own image, an image which was still vividly fresh in my recol- lection. But when my eyes fell on the one it now reflected, I drew back affrighted, and all the consciousness of my altered face for the first time seemed suddenly to burst upon me. Tears fell from my eyes yes, weak and foolish as it now appears to me, I wept for my departed youth ; and for that beauty of which the faithful mirror too plainly assured me, no remnant existed. AN ELDERLY LADY. 333 Accustomed to see my face daily, the ravages that time had made on it had never before struck me as now. My feelings had grown cold, as my visage assumed the wrinkles of age ; and hitherto I had scarcely marked the melancholy change in my aspect ; or if I had remarked, it occasioned me little regret. But now, when all around me looking fresh and unchanged as when first be- held, brought back the past vividly before me, renewing for a few brief moments the joyful- ness of youth, I had been insensibly beguiled into expecting to see in the mirror, the same bright face it had formerly reflected. These were the feelings that made the sad alteration in my personal aspect appal me ; and I wondered how it had hitherto caused me so little regret. It was long ere I could conquer my repug- nance to look in that glass again; but vanity which had driven me in disgust away, again led me to consult it. It whispered that the greater the change in my face, the greater was the neces- sity for concealing or ameliorating its defects 334 THE CONFESSIONS OP by a studious attention to dress. Consequently I now devoted a more than ordinary time to the duties of the toilette ; and in the course of a few months learned to think, that with the aid of a little art judiciously applied, I was still what might be called a fine woman. A short time afterwards Lady Percival came to see me: and pressed me to dine at her house. " You will meet an old acquaintance," said she, " for Lord Clydesdale is staying with us." " Is he alone?" asked I, in trepidation, my foolish heart beating with a quicker pulsation." " Yes," replied Lady Percival, " quite alone ; ever since he lost poor dear Lady Clydesdale, he comes to us every year to spend a week or two." " What, is Lady Clydesdale dead?" de- manded I, in an agitation that I thought I should never again experience. " Is it possible that you did not know it?" answered she calmly. " Why, she has been dead these five years; and his only child, a AN ELDERLY LADY. 335 daughter, has been married above a year to the Duke of Warrenborough. Poor dear Lady Clydesdale was a charming person; do you know, my dear friend, that many people con- sidered her to bear a striking likeness to you. It is very sad and solitary for him to be com- pelled to live alone ; for though no longer young, he is still a very agreeable person." How many thoughts and hopes did this com- munication awaken ! He, the only man I had ever really loved, was again free; and a thousand tender recollections of our former attachment floated through my mind, as I reflected on his solitary life so resembling my own. Yes, we might meet, might again feel some portion of that affection which once filled our hearts; and, though in youth, we had been separated, we might now form a union that would enable us to pass our old age together, released from the loneless, cheerless solitude in which we both were placed. Lady Percival observing that I had not accepted 336 THE CONFESSIONS OF her invitation, renewed it, adding, " Do pray come, dear Lady Wyndermere ! Lord Clydes- dale will be so disappointed if you do not; I told him I intended to ask you, and he said he should be very glad indeed to see you again." This sentence decided my acceptance of her invitation, for it encouraged the fond hopes that were awakened in my breast; and a thousand visions of happy days, past and to come, floated in my imagination. From the moment that Lady Percival left me, until the hour, three days after, that saw % me drive up to her door, I thought of nothing, dreamt of nothing, but my interview with Lord Clydesdale. How would he look, how address me, would he betray any agitation ? were ques- tions continually occurring to me. Never had I taken more pains with my dress than on that momentous day. One robe was found to be too grave ; and another was thrown aside as not suiting my complexion, half-a-dozen caps and as many turbans were tried, before the AN ELDERLY LADY. 337 one deemed the most becoming was determined on ; and I experienced no little portion of embar- rassment, when I observed the astonishment of my femme de chamlre, at this my unusual fastidious- ness with regard to my toilette. At length, it was completed ; and casting many a lingering glance at my mirror, I flattered myself that few, if any, women of my age could have looked better. If mine was no longer a figure or face to captivate the young and unthinking, it might satisfy the less scrupulous taste of the elderly and reflecting. But above all, he who had seen the temple in its pristine beauty, would not despise it now, though desecrated and ravaged by the hand of time. As I reflected on the change wrought on my person by time, that foe to beauty, the thought of how the destroyer's touch might have operated on his occurred to me. Was he very much altered ? But no ! age might have taken from the graceful elasticity of his step, added some of her furrows to his brow, and tinged his dark 338 THE CONFESSIONS OF locks with its silvery hue, but it could not have destroyed the noble and distinguished character of his manly beauty ! How my heart throbbed as I entered the library of Lord Percival ! I positively felt as if not more than twenty summers had flown over my head ; and dreaded, yet wished to see Lord Clydesdale. After the usual salutations had passed, Lady Percival led me to a large easy chair; reclined in which, with one foot en- veloped in a fleecy stocking, and a velvet shoe that looked large enough for an inhabitant of Brobdignag, was an old man with a rubicund face, a head, the summit of which was bald and shining, graced by a few straggling locks of snowy white. " This, dear Lady Wyndermere, is your old acquaintance Lord Clydesdale," whispered Lady Percival. I positively shrank back astonished and in- credulous. " Ah ! I see you do not recognize me," said AN ELDERLY LADY. 339 the venerable-looking old gentleman before me, holding forth a hand, on each of the fingers of which were unseemly protuberances, ycleped chalk stones. " I am such a martyr to the gout, that I am unable to rise to receive you, but it affords me great pleasure to see your ladyship in such good health." I could scarcely collect myself sufficiently to make a suitable reply. All the air-built visions my fancy had formed for the last few days were dashed to the earth, as I contemplated the infirm septagenarian before me, and remembered that he was only some ten or twelve years my senior ; a circumstance which never occurred to me as disadvantageous before- Not a trace of his former personal attractions remained; nay, it would be difficult to believe, judging from his present appearance, that any had ever existed. It gave me, however, some satisfaction, to observe that he seemed surprised at my having pre- served so much of my former comeliness; and I will own, that I was malicious enough, as 340 THE CONFESSIONS OF Lord Percival led me to the dining room, to which Lord Clydesdale was slowly limping, supported by his valet de chambre and a crutch, to affect a much more than ordinary quickness of pace and agility. " And this," thought I, " is the man who has caused me so many sighs, who has inflicted on me days of care, and nights without sleep." The thing seemed really preposterous, and I could have smiled at my own illusions ; illusions that might have been indulged even to my last hour, had not one glance at their object dispelled them for ever. I took a spiteful pleasure in recounting during dinner, the long walks I affected to be in the daily habit of taking ; and attempted to avenge myself on the unconscious object of my resent- ment, for all the pain he had ever inflicted, by now making him feel the disparity between us. I caught his eye more than once fixed on my face ; and fancied that its expression indicated more of surprise or envy, than of tender remi- AN ELDERLY LADY. 341 niscences. Perhaps it was to punish me that he talked with evident pleasure of the delights of being a grandpapa ; the new interest it excited when all others had nearly ceased, and the refuge it afforded against that dreary and love- less solitude to which childless old age was exposed. This was the last day of my illusions; or of my being enabled to enact the youthful. To diminish the ungraceful expansion of my figure, I had discarded two under draperies, in the shape of quilted silk petticoats. This im- prudent piece of coquetry exposed me to a severe cold ; from the effects of which I never entirely recovered : and I now suffer from a weakness of the limbs, that nearly precludes my moving without assistance. The "childless, loveless" soli- tude to which, alas ! I find myself condemned, frequently reminds me of Lord Clydesdale's remarks on such a fate: and I am forced to admit that time would pass more happily in caressing a race of dear chubby grandchildren, 342 THE CONFESSIONS, ETC. than in the vain task of correcting the disagree- able personal habits of my poor Dame de Compagnie. Ay, or than even in committing these Confessions to paper, in the as vain hope of being amused, or of amusing ; in which last disappointment I fear that my readers will only have too much reason to sympathize with me. "" THE END. PRINTED BY IV. WltCOCKSON, ROLLS BUILD/NGS, FETTER LANE. University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. 000057229 7 Ui