mmm 
 
 i
 
 A V 
 
 i 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 SANTA BARBARA 
 
 PRESENTED BY 
 MRS. ALFRED W. I NGALLS
 
 WE HAVE WITH US 
 TO-NIGHT/ 
 
 >i* 
 
 WHAT HAPPENS AT THAT GREAT 
 
 AMERICAN INSTITUTION 
 
 THE BANQUET 
 
 By SAMUEL G. BLYTHE 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 HENRY ALTEMUS COMPANY
 
 Copyright, 1909, by 
 HOWARD E. ALTEMUS.
 
 WE HAVE WITH 
 US TO-NIGHT
 
 THE TIME AND PLAGE 
 
 THE society— any society, in 
 any city— is giving a banquet. 
 The diners have had their 
 food hurled at them and have hurled 
 it into them. A long and imposing 
 toast-list has been prepared and the 
 speakers are at the head-table try- 
 ing not to appear self-conscious. 
 Cigars are lighted. The orchestra 
 is playing The Merry Widow. A 
 few of the younger set are humming 
 along with the tune. The ladies 
 have arrived in the gallery. The
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 Toastmaster rises, taps with the 
 gavel, glances around the room and 
 smiles complacently. There is a 
 great noise of chairs being shifted 
 so everybody can face the head- 
 table. The Toastmaster straight- 
 ens his tie, pats his shirt-bosom 
 and begins. 
 
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 WE HAVE WITH US 
 TO-NIGHT 
 
 THE Toastmaster: "Ahem-m! 
 Ahem-m-m ! Gentlemen will 
 be in order. Gentlemen will 
 please be in order. The waiters 
 will leave the room. The — waiters 
 — will — leave — the — room. 
 Ahem-m-m ! Gentlemen of the 
 society and our honored guests: 
 Before beginning the regular toasts 
 of the evening I desire to say, on 
 the occasion of this most auspicious 
 occasion, that this occasion is one 
 
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 of the most auspicious occasions I 
 have ever had occasion — that is, 
 this is a grand event. The society 
 which has so foohshly selected me 
 to be Toastmaster (gently derisive 
 laughter and a self-satisfied smile 
 from the speaker) is now entering 
 on its sixty-ufth, that is its sufty- 
 exth, 1 mean to say its sixty-fifth 
 year of prosperous existence, an 
 existence which has existed for 
 sixty-five years. 
 
 " During those ixty-sifth, I would 
 say those sixty-fifth, I mean those 
 sixty-five years, we have been most 
 
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 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 prosperous. It gives me great 
 pleasure, on this auspicious occa- 
 sion, to congratulate you all on 
 your prosperous existence and to 
 sav to you, in the words of the poet: 
 
 " ' The world is good, and the people are 
 good, 
 And we're all good fellows together.' 
 
 (Loud cheers.) 
 
 '' We have with us to-night one 
 of our most distinguished jurists, 
 Judge John Bolus, of the Superior 
 Court, and that word court reminds 
 me of a good story my father used 
 to tell when I was a boy with great
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 glee — that is, with great glee when 
 I was a boy. My father was a 
 good deal of a wag in a sly way, 
 and one night, when he met a 
 Milesian friend of his on the street, 
 he said : ' Paddy, where are you 
 going?' * To court, sor! ' Paddy 
 replied. ' But,' said my father with 
 a chuckle, 'court doesn't sit at night.' 
 'Well, be jabers,' Paddy replied, 
 to the great amusement of my 
 father, ' ye don't think I'd court 
 standin' up, do ye .? ' " 
 
 Pause for laughter. Judge Bolus 
 straightens his tie. A few titters 
 
 16
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 here and there. The Toastmaster 
 looks disappointed, but takes a fresh 
 start. " Of course, there's nothing 
 personal in that, but my father used 
 to tell it as a specimen of the ready 
 wit of the Irish. I don't suppose 
 Judge Bolus ever had any experience 
 in that kind of court ; but I beg 
 the Judge's pardon, for I perceive 
 the charming Mrs. Bolus in the 
 gallery. However, I now have the 
 honor to present to you Judge John 
 Bolus, who will respond to the toast, 
 'The Majesty of the Law.' Judge 
 Bolus!" 
 
 17 
 
 3 — JVe Have with Us To-night
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 Judge Bolus: "Mr. Toastmaster 
 and gentlemen: Before proceeding 
 with the necessarily brief consider- 
 ation of the topic assigned to me as 
 a subject of my remarks this even- 
 ing, I am constrained to relate an 
 anecdote of an occurrence that I 
 noticed in my practice some years 
 ago, which illustrates that even the 
 humdrum life of the lawyer and 
 jurist, devoted to the interpretation 
 and enforcement of the law, may 
 sometimes be lightened by what 
 you may call flashes of merriment, 
 superinduced by events which more
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 or less frequently are observed with- 
 in the rather restricted Hmits of the 
 practitioners of our jealous mistress, 
 the law (for the law is a jealous 
 mistress, as I have had occasion to 
 remark). Not that the rewards are 
 not commensurate with the service 
 we give her, but that she demands 
 those constant services without 
 which no one can successfully pursue 
 the practice and interpretation of our 
 statutes, which reminds me that one 
 of the great evils of this, our younger 
 generation, is the lamentable lack 
 of concentration which, if persisted 
 
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 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 in, will inevitably bring down the 
 Republic to wreck and ruin ; for, I 
 may say, no one can succeed in the 
 law, in any of the learned profes- 
 sions, much less in the humbler 
 walks of life, without constant ap- 
 plication, which is a lesson I desire 
 to bring home to my younger hear- 
 ers here to-night, a lesson fraught 
 with great consequences and more 
 important than any other I, perhaps, 
 might give, and that is that I have 
 observed, with alarm, a growing 
 tendency on the part of our youth 
 toward a lack of respect, a non- 
 
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 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 acknowledgment, if I may use the 
 term, of the veneration due those 
 of us who have borne the brunt of 
 the battle during the formative days 
 of the Republic ; for I well remem- 
 ber, when I was a mere boy, of 
 hearing Daniel Webster, on a famous 
 occasion, refer to what I have here 
 set forth, not only as a danger at that 
 time, but with the inspired eye of 
 prophecy, as predicting this some- 
 w h a t anomalous condition of 
 affairs, he being, to my mind, the 
 greatest of our orators, although that 
 contention is open to argument, 
 
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 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 as are all others, of course ; the law 
 being, as I have said, only estab- 
 lished by interpretation of its var- 
 ious complex phases and " 
 
 A Voice: " What's the ansv^er ?" 
 Another Voice: " Tell the story." 
 Judge Bolus stops, glares around 
 the room, from which comes the 
 loud buzz of conversation, takes a 
 drink of water and proceeds: " Ah, 
 yes, I was about to relate an anec- 
 dote concerning an experience I 
 had while I was a student in the 
 office of the late judge Smith, a 
 most learned man, and a man who 
 
 24
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 did more to establish that respect 
 for the law and its traditions in 
 this community, for, as I shall 
 show, the law has its traditions 
 and its precedents and its conven- 
 tionalities, but here and there is 
 hidden a romance, and as the late 
 Judge Brown said to me — a most 
 learned man and most upright 
 jurist was Judge Brown, and I 
 well remember " 
 
 Chorus of young men in the 
 corner: " How dry I am ! How dry I 
 am ! Nobody knows how dry I am !" 
 
 The Toastmaster: " Order, gen- 
 
 25
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 tlemen, order, while Judge Bolus 
 concludes his very interesting re- 
 marks." 
 
 A Voice: "Tell him to hire a 
 hall." 
 
 Another Voice: " How about 
 that anecdote .^" 
 
 judge Bolus rambles on for half 
 an hour while the diners gather in 
 groups and talk loudly. The 
 Toastmaster raps for order now 
 and then, occasionally taking out 
 his watch and looking at it in a 
 worried way and then glancing at 
 the Judge. 
 
 26
 
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 Finally, the Judge sits down, 
 not having told the anecdote, and 
 the diners applaud wildly, shifting 
 their chairs so they all face the 
 head-table again. 
 
 The Toastmaster: "Now, gen- 
 tlemen, we have with us to-night 
 one to whom it is always a delight 
 to listen, our old friend, Mr. 
 Charles Cutie, the celebrated wit, 
 always so spontaneous and happy. 
 It may not be fair to tell it, but I 
 remember one occasion when I was 
 most enjoyably impressed with Mr. 
 Cutie's power of repartee. I was 
 
 27
 
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 walking up the street one day and 
 I met him. * Good - morning, 
 Charles,' I said, following out my 
 usual custom of exchanging greet- 
 ings courteously with all my friends. 
 * No,' he replied, quick as a flash, 
 'it is a bad morning. I have a 
 toothache.' " 
 
 Hearty laughter by Mr. Cutie and 
 the Toas'tmaster. The Toastmaster 
 continues: " Gentlemen, I have the 
 honor to present Mr. Charles Cutie, 
 who will respond to the toast : 
 'A little nonsense now and then is 
 relished by the best of men.' " 
 
 28
 
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 Mr. Cutie rises, pushes back his 
 chair, takes a large roll of manu- 
 script out of his pocket, and holds 
 it up so all can see. 
 
 A Voice : " For Heaven's sake, 
 Charley, put something over. It's 
 fierce, so far." 
 
 Mr. Cutie: "Having here the 
 carefully prepared manuscript 
 of my purely extemporaneous 
 
 speech " Waits for the laugh, 
 
 which is thin and scattering. " As I 
 said, having here the carefully pre- 
 pared manuscript of my purely ex- 
 temporaneous speech " Waits 
 
 2Q
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 for the laugh again. Gets a good 
 one. Nods approvingly and goes 
 on: ''I am reminded of the man 
 who said to the other man: 'Did 
 you ever hear the story of the 
 eggs .? ' ' No,' the other replied. 
 *Too bad.'" 
 
 Fat man at the middle table ex- 
 plodes : " Ho, ho ! Too bad — two 
 bad! Fine!" Some handclapping. 
 
 " But speaking about eggs," con- 
 tinues Mr. Cutie, " there is another 
 one that is almost eggsactly " — fat 
 man explodes again — " almost egg- 
 sactlv in the same line. ' Did you 
 
 30
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 ever hear the story of the hard- 
 boiled eggs ? ' a man asked another. 
 ^No.' 'Can't be beat.'" 
 
 Mr. Cutie pauses. Laughter 
 begins slowly, but soon gets general. 
 He w^aits patiently until the last 
 cackle has subsided, nods approv- 
 ingly again, and proceeds : "And 
 eggs always remind me of custard 
 pie. Once an Englishman and an 
 American were dining together and 
 the waiter came in and said : 
 'Apple pie, peach pie, plum pie, 
 mince pie, pumpkin pie, squash pie, 
 sweet potato pie, gooseberry pie^ 
 
 31
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 grape pie ? ' The American looked 
 up and said : ' What's the matter 
 with the custard pie ? ' Next day 
 the Enghshman said: ' Excuse me, 
 my friend, but what was the matter 
 with the custard pie ? ' " 
 
 A Voice : '^ Too bad." 
 
 Loud laughter and cries of : "Go 
 on, Charley." 
 
 ''An Englishman," continues Mr. 
 Cutie, with a pleased smile, "rarely 
 sees the point of a joke. It is as- 
 tonishing how they can miss or spoil 
 a joke in telling it. I remember 
 telling an Englishman about a 
 
 32
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 butchers' parade I saw in Chicago, 
 and one float had an enormous 
 sausage on it. I told the EngHsh- 
 man I never heard of such a thing." 
 Pause for laughter. Everybody 
 looks puzzled. Then Mr. Cutie 
 blushes and says hastily : " Pardon 
 me, what I said to the Englishman 
 was I never sausage a thing. Odd 
 that I should have made that mis- 
 take. But, speaking about sausage, 
 I went into a German restaurant 
 the other day and asked for some. 
 You know the German word for 
 sausage is wurst. ' What's that .? ' 
 
 33 
 
 3—lVe Havervith Us To-night
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 I asked when the waiter brought 
 me my sausage. ^Wurst,' he re- 
 phed. ' Well,' I said, ' if that's the 
 worst, bring me some of the best.' " 
 
 Another pause. Three voices : 
 "Too bad." 
 
 Somewhat flustered, Mr. Cutie 
 draws a long breath and starts 
 again : 
 
 " Now, I am an optimist. I 
 always look on the bright side of 
 things. You can make a joke out 
 of almost everything, you know, 
 and to do so adds to the sunniness 
 of life. Let us all be sunny. Did 
 
 34
 
 fd 
 
 j4 
 
 
 MM 
 
 
 &w 
 
 
 ^SB^wiL '' 
 
 r
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 you ever hear of the Irishman who 
 had both legs cut off by the train ? 
 A friend was sympathizing with him. 
 ' Sure,' says Mike, ' it might have 
 been worse. Suppose I was an 
 actor. 
 
 Hepausesfor the laugh. Nobody 
 laughs. Seventeen voices : " Too 
 bad." 
 
 " Oh," exclaims Mr. Cutie, " I 
 got that wrong. What the Irish- 
 man said was : ' Suppose I was a 
 chorus girl ! ' " 
 
 Sits down hurriedly, much em- 
 barrassed. Loud applause. 
 
 37
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 The Toastmaster : *' Now, gen- 
 tlemen, we have with us to-night 
 Mr. Quintus ]. Skinnem, one of the 
 greatest financiers of this country, 
 who has consented to address us 
 briefly on ' The Financial Suprem- 
 acy of the United States.' And, 
 speaking of finance, it might not, 
 perhaps, be out of order to repeat 
 in this company a remark made by 
 my son, only seventeen, and very 
 bright for his age. We were dis- 
 cussing finance at the dinner-table 
 the other night and my son remarked: 
 * Father, why is it the rich people 
 
 38
 
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 have all the money ? ' Bright, eh ? 
 Well, I couldn't answer him, of 
 course, for even a child can ask 
 questions a gentleman cannot 
 answer, no matter how well he is 
 posted, but, undoubtedly, Mr. Skin- 
 nem can. Gentlemen, Mr. Skin- 
 nem." 
 
 Mr. Skinnem rises. " Mr. Toast- 
 master and gentlemen: It is but 
 just to say to you that my activ- 
 ities have led me to other paths than 
 public speaking, and I fear I am 
 a mere novice at it. However, I 
 am reminded of a little story about 
 
 39
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 two Germans — you will pardon the 
 absence of the dialect, gentlemen — 
 who were going up the street and 
 came to a bank. ' What's that ? ' 
 asked one. ' A bank,' the other 
 replied promptly. 'What's a bank ? ' 
 'A place where they keep money.' 
 'Whose money.^' 'Every- 
 body's 
 
 A Voice : " That's what you did 
 during the panic, all right." 
 
 Mr. Skinnem is visibly annoyed 
 and looks at the Toastmaster, who 
 motions him to go on. " But, of 
 course, that is a mere anecdote. 
 
 40
 
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 What 1 have to say I shall say 
 briefly. I shall not detain you 
 long. I shall be short and to the 
 point Bearing on this subject I 
 have here an article from the Bank- 
 ers' Magazine which I shall crave 
 your indulgence while I read." 
 
 Reads long, involved financial 
 article in high voice for half an hour. 
 Forty or fifty diners go out of the 
 hall to the anteroom. Loud buzz 
 of conversation. Mr. Skinnem 
 drones on until the Toastmaster 
 gets so nervous he bangs on the 
 table with his watch, for order, 
 
 41
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 and puts his gavel in his waistcoat 
 pocket. Finally, after forty-five 
 minutes, Mr. Skinnem concludes 
 by saying: " These, gentlemen, are 
 my sentiments, although briefly 
 expressed. I thank you." 
 
 The Toastmaster raps for order. 
 " The gentlemen will please resume 
 their seats." Great scuffing of 
 chairs. The guests return from 
 the anteroom. 
 
 The Toastmaster: "Now, my 
 friends, it is with peculiar pleasure 
 that I announce the next speaker. 
 I am glad he is with us to-night. 
 
 42
 
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 We are all proud of what is our 
 proudest boast of our proud city, 
 I refer, of course, to the Inter- 
 national and Interoceanic Univer- 
 sity which nestles so proudly on the 
 proud hills above our proud city. 
 I am proud, — no, I am glad that we 
 have him with us to-night — " 
 
 A Voice: ''Who? The Univer- 
 sity : 
 
 Toastmaster (hastily): '' No, of 
 course, I mean the president of the 
 University, Dr. Elihu J. Beegin, 
 one, if I may say it, of Nature's 
 noblemen." 
 
 43
 
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 A Voice: '* Go on and say it." 
 Toastmaster (sternly): "I have 
 said it and I mean it, too. In the 
 language of the poet — maybe it 
 wasn't a poet, but it was an author, 
 anyhow — in the language of the 
 author: ' His life is gentle, and the 
 elements so mixed up in him, that 
 Nature might stand up — of course, 
 Nature couldn't stand up, you 
 know — that is what we call a 
 figure of speech, but, as I was 
 saying, that Nature might stand 
 up in him — no — and say to all the 
 world, " This was a 
 
 44
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 A Voice: "A dead one." 
 The Toastmaster raps vigorously 
 with his gavel and looks reprov- 
 ingly in the direction of this latest 
 interruption. " But, of course, 
 that was a joke, and I am proud, 
 as I have said, to present to you 
 Dr. Elihu J. Beegin, who will 
 respond to the toast, ' Education.' " 
 Dr. Beegin is discovered to be a 
 short, thin man with flowing side- 
 whiskers which are white. He 
 rises, pulls nervously at his whis- 
 kers, shuffles some notes which he 
 has laid on the table and begins : 
 
 45
 
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 " My dear friends, or, I may 
 say, my dear, dear friends: It is 
 with a feeling of great trepidation 
 that I enter in the oratorical lists 
 on this brilliant occasion, for, being 
 a man of studious habit of mind, I 
 am not often prone to speak in 
 public on occasions of this kind. 
 However, I feel it my duty to 
 address you to-night inasmuch as 
 I have been assigned to the toast, 
 * Education,' which is the subject 
 nearest and dearest to my heart ; for 
 we all know that without education 
 we would have very few of the 
 
 46
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 blessings we now enjoy. Educa- 
 tion, I may say, brings much to us. 
 It is the wellspring of human hap- 
 piness, and without it we would be 
 desolate indeed. And, having made 
 this thought clear, and while I am 
 on my feet, I shall now present for 
 your consideration a few facts that 
 I deem worthy of your close atten- 
 tion." 
 
 Dr. Beegin then proceeds to a 
 long and elaborate argument show- 
 ing why it is the duty of those pres- 
 ent and all others in the city to 
 subscribe liberally to the university. 
 
 47
 
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 After fifteen minutes of it the young 
 men in the corner begin singing: 
 
 No booze to-night, no booze to-night ; 
 
 With a face Hke a horse and buggy. 
 
 No booze to-night, no booze to-night — 
 
 Oh, fireman, save my ch-e-e-ild ! 
 
 Oh, fireman, save my ch-e-e-ild ! 
 
 She cries in accents wild. 
 
 The fireman tries as best he can. 
 
 But the child is bigger than the fireman. 
 
 Others take up the song and Dr. 
 Beegin, after struggHng against it 
 for a few moments, shakes his head 
 sadly and sits down. 
 
 The Toastmaster: "While I 
 would be the last to interfere in the 
 
 48
 
 4—WeHaveivith Us To-7iight
 
 WE HAVE \^aTH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 enjoyment of our members and 
 guests, I think it no more than right 
 
 to let our speakers speak " 
 
 The young men in the corner 
 strike up : " Old Dr. Beegin's a 
 good old soul," and when they have 
 finished, the Toastmaster hurriedly 
 says : " Proceeding with the pro- 
 gramme, it gives me great pleasure 
 to say that the next toast on the 
 list is one which we all would enjoy 
 responding to, but, of course, that 
 is out of the question. However, 
 we havewithusto-night a gentleman 
 who is so peculiarly fitted to re-
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 spond to this toast that I feel sure 
 you will welcome his eloquent re- 
 marks on this charming subject, 
 
 * The Ladies ! ' Does that not 
 stir tender thoughts in every manly 
 breast ? It does in mine, I know. 
 
 * The Ladies ! ' What was it the 
 poet said " 
 
 A Voice: " Oh, cut out what the 
 poet said and let's hear what's 
 coming." 
 
 The Toastmaster : " As I was 
 saying, the poet says — but it has 
 escaped me now. However, many 
 poets have said nice things about 
 
 52
 
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 the ladies, and so, I am sure, 
 will our next speaker, the Honor- 
 able Percy Cecil Swope. Mr. 
 wope. 
 Mr. Swope is a tall, pale young 
 man, with a rapt expression. He 
 rises slowly, looks confidently 
 around the room, raises his hand 
 impressively and begins: "Mr. 
 Toastmaster and gentlemen ! It 
 is indeed a pleasure, a great pleasure 
 to be here to-night and to be asked 
 to respond to such a delightful 
 toast as, 'The Ladies,' the lights, 
 as 1 may say, of our lives " 
 
 53
 
 V/ E HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 Mr. Swope pauses and looks ex- 
 pectantly at the gallery, where the 
 ladies are seated. He gets a round 
 of applause, pulls down his waistcoat 
 and starts again: *'What would 
 life be to us without the ladies .? 
 What would life be to us, I repeat, 
 without the ladies " 
 
 A Voice: "A good deal cheaper 
 than it is." 
 
 Mr. Swope, ignoring the inter- 
 ruption: "What would life be to 
 us without the ladies, whose bright 
 eyes rain influence, whose minister- 
 ino; hands ever smooth the wrinkles 
 
 54
 
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 from our brows, whose soft arms 
 encircle our necks in times of storm 
 and stress, who give us the joys of 
 their sweet companionship, who 
 Hghten the burdens of our days, 
 who watch and guard us, who are 
 angels from Heaven sent to cheer 
 our lives, who charm us with the 
 beauty of their faces and their 
 forms and who elevate us by the 
 priceless example of their purity 
 and tenderness ! 
 
 "The Ladies! Ah, would that 
 I could express the thoughts that 
 well within me when I contemplate 
 
 55
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 these fairest of their sex, but this 
 poor tongue of mine, unskilled to 
 the fashioning of these measures of 
 poetry that should sing their mani- 
 fold graces, accomplishments and 
 angelic attributes, must needs take 
 recourse in the words of another, 
 who had that skill that I unfor- 
 tunately lack, and I refer, of course, 
 to'the late Mr. P. B. Shelley— his 
 first name was Percy, like mine — 
 who said, as I would say of all 
 within the purview of my gaze, or 
 elsewhere, of course, ' A perfect 
 woman ' excuse me, ladies, for 
 
 56
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 saying woman — that's the way he 
 wrote it — and far be it from me to 
 correct the words of my namesake 
 — 'A perfect woman, nobly 
 planned, to warn, to comfort and 
 command.' " 
 
 Dr. Beegin jumps up hastily. 
 " Pardon me, Mr. Swope," he says, 
 " but I cannot let that error pass 
 unnoticed. Shelley did not say that. 
 It was Wordsworth." 
 
 A Voice: "Great hevings! and 
 Percy named for him, too." 
 
 Mr. Swope sits down, blushing 
 hotly. 
 
 57
 
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 The Toastmaster : " Now, gen- 
 tlemen, we shall have one of the 
 real treats of this very successful 
 evening. We have with us to-night 
 Mr. J. Howard Merry, a celebrated 
 dialect story-teller, who has had 
 many offers to go on the stage, but 
 prefers to remain here in our midst. 
 He will tell us a few dialect 
 stories." 
 
 Mr. Merry travels for a cracker 
 house, and he is thoroughly self- 
 possessed when he rises. He ex- 
 plains, carefully, that the story he 
 is to tell concerns a conversation 
 
 58
 
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 between a German, an Englishman, 
 a negro, a Frenchman, an Irish- 
 man, an Itahan and a Swede. 
 
 This is what it sounds hke : " I 
 was walking down the street the 
 other day and I came across a bunch 
 of foreigners, mostly, having a pow- 
 wow, and naturally, I stopped to 
 listen. 
 
 A Voice : " What dialect is that ^ " 
 
 Mr. Merry looks pained and says: 
 "Why, that's English. It's just 
 the introduction, you know." 
 
 Same Voice : ** Oh ! I didn't 
 recognize it." 
 
 59
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 Mr. Merry laughs uneasily and 
 gets off his dialects with this result: 
 " Don'd you understandings nod- 
 dings ? Blime me, old chawp, I 
 cawn't do it, y'knaw. 'Deed, boss, 
 dat's shorely gwine foh shuah. We, 
 we, it is ze parfait sing. Oh, b'jab- 
 bers, divil an a' do I know what is 
 it at all, at all. Getta d' mon', 
 getta' da mon' alia d' dav. Yim 
 Yonson he ban gude Sweede fallar." 
 
 There is a lot more of this sort 
 of thing, and when Mr. Merry gets 
 well warmed to it nobody can tell 
 anything he says. 
 
 60
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 A Voice: "If that's a dialect 
 story I move somebody sings a 
 hymn." 
 
 And Mr. Merry sits down. 
 
 The Toastmaster: " I have often 
 heard it mentioned that the pen is 
 mightier than the sword, and I 
 have no doubt it is true. I am 
 always glad to mention that fact, 
 for I feel that I am, in a way, en- 
 gaged in literature to some extent 
 myself, being, I might as well con- 
 fess, engaged in writing a play. 
 Still, it is not this branch of litera- 
 ture I have in mind, for we have 
 
 6i
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 with US to-night one who has often 
 proved that his pen is mightier than 
 the sword. I refer, of course, to 
 the Honorable Calvin T. Tansey, 
 editor of our leading newspaper, 
 * The Beacon,' who will address us 
 on the importance of maintaining 
 in this country a free and uncen- 
 sored press. Gentlemen, I bespeak 
 your kindest attention for Mr. 
 Tansey, whom I now present." 
 
 Mr. Tansey is a man about sixty 
 years old, with a short gray beard 
 and his upper lip shaved clean, 
 showing a very determined looking 
 
 62
 
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 mouth. He jumps up, shoots his 
 cufFs, pushes back his chair and 
 begins to talk at the rate of two 
 hundred words a minute. It 
 sounds hke this: 
 
 " Mrtoastmaster'n'gen'l'menldo 
 notthinkitisopentoargumentthatthe 
 pressisthebulwarkofthenationshber- 
 ties." 
 
 He tells why, citing many in- 
 stances where a free and untram- 
 meled press has marched boldly to 
 the front and yanked the nation out 
 of the slough of difficulty. He rips 
 it out for six minutes, waves his
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 arms wildly and sits down as sud- 
 denly as he got up. 
 
 There are loud cheers. " Good 
 boy, Tansey!" shouts some one. 
 " You knew when to quit, any- 
 how." 
 
 TheToastmaster: "While listen- 
 ing to the very interesting address 
 of Mr. Tansey, the thought struck 
 me that this would be an opportune 
 time to hear from one of our own 
 number, so I shall call on Colonel 
 W. J. Pogus, who is with us to- 
 night, to say a few words about 
 our Society." 
 
 64
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 Colonel Pogus, who has been 
 making signs to the Toastmaster 
 for an hour and has written him 
 several notes, besides going over 
 and whispering to him four times, 
 gets up at the extreme end ot the 
 speakers' table. 
 
 " I am utterly surprised at being 
 called up by our worthy Toast- 
 master," he says, " but now that 
 I am on my feet I shall endeavor 
 to respond in fitting terms to the 
 subject which he has assigned me, 
 although, unaccustomed as I am 
 to public speaking, I fear that my 
 
 65 
 
 '-.^ We Have with Vs To-night
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 humble efforts will not do much to 
 entertain you. However, it has 
 been in my mind for a long time to 
 say a few words to the Society, and 
 I thank the worthy Toastmaster 
 for giving me this opportunit\-." 
 
 Colonel Pogus thereupon pro- 
 duces a large roll of manuscript 
 from his tail pocket and proceeds 
 to read, in a high, piping voice, a 
 history of the Societv from its in- 
 ception. After a few minutes of 
 this the diners begin talking to one 
 another. The noise grows louder. 
 Colonel Pogus stops, raises his hand 
 
 66
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 and shouts: "I desire to say that 
 you shall not deter me. I shall 
 read this if I have to stay here all 
 night ! " 
 
 He proceeds. It is dry as dust. 
 Finally, he censures some of the 
 younger members of the Society for 
 failing in what he says are their 
 duties, and there is a hiss. 
 
 The Colonel stops again. " I 
 have heard it said," he shouts, 
 " that the only animals that hiss 
 are snakes and geese." 
 
 A Voice: "Now will you be 
 good ? " 
 
 69
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 The Colonel continues. Pres- 
 ently the younger set let go a yell: 
 
 Pogus ! Pogus ! Pogus ! 
 
 'Rah ! 'Rah ' 'Rah ! 
 Bogus ! Bogus ! Bogus ! 
 
 'Rah ! 'Rah ! 'Rah ! 
 
 They keep this up for ten minutes 
 and then the Colonel sits down with 
 his speech not half read. 
 
 The Toastmaster: " Never mind, 
 Colonel Pogus, boys will be boys, 
 and you can have it printed." (To 
 the assemblage): "Now, gentle- 
 men, we have with us to-night one 
 of our most distinguished states- 
 
 70
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 men, the Honorable Philander 
 McGuff, one of our members of 
 Congress. Mr. McGufF came all 
 the way from Washington to ad- 
 dress us, and he will speak on 
 * Some of the Problems That Con- 
 front Our Government.' " 
 
 A Voice : " 'Rah for Mc- 
 GufF ! " 
 
 " I may say," continues the 
 Toastmaster, " that Mr. McGuff is 
 especially fitted to discuss this im- 
 portant topic for ourbenefit to-night, 
 as he has been in Congress almost 
 a year, and is fully informed as to 
 
 71
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 the needs of the country. Mr. 
 McGuff!" 
 
 The Honorable Philander arises, 
 pushes back his chair impetuously, 
 runs his fingers through his hair and 
 says: "Mr. Toastmaster and gen- 
 tlemen: It is, indeed, an honor, a 
 ge-reat, a splendid honor, to be per- 
 mitted to speak to so brilliant, so 
 distinguished and, I may say, so 
 intellectual a gathering. During 
 my long service in Congress I have 
 often attended banquets, but never 
 before have I seen so magnificent 
 an assemblage of fair women and 
 
 72
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 brave men as I see here before me 
 tuh-night. Such an incentive would 
 stir any man, even though he had 
 but a clod in his breast instead of 
 a heart — and I have a heart here 
 that beats warmly for my fellow- 
 men — would stir any man, even 
 though he was unaccustomed to 
 public speaking, as I am not, to 
 fe-lights of the most superb, the 
 most ge-lorious eloquence, for, as 1 
 may say, never before have I wit- 
 nessed so brilliant, so grand, so 
 magnificent a gathering as that 
 which I see here before me tuh- 
 
 73
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 night ; and I am complimented at 
 being called on to address you, 
 although I know that my poor self 
 can tell you nothing which this mag- 
 nificent assemblage already is not 
 fully aware of, but my blood stirs 
 within me, my pulses leap, and I 
 gaze out over this wonderful convo- 
 cation of the intellect, the acumen, 
 the power, the very life itself, of this 
 great city, and I am constrained to 
 say that never before have I seen 
 so brilliant a gathering of this kind, 
 
 which is much to your credit '^ 
 
 A Voice : ''What's he running for?" 
 
 74
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 Mr. McGuff gazes haughtily in 
 the direction of the query. Then he 
 pushes his fingers through his hair 
 again, and talks for twenty minutes 
 about the problems of the Govern- 
 ment as he sees them, which con- 
 sist, mostly, of the desirability 
 of keeping his party and himself in 
 power. He finishes with a tender 
 tribute to the ladies in the gallery, 
 which they applaud ecstatically. 
 
 The Toastmaster: "I am sure 
 we all feel highly edified by the last 
 speaker's remarks, and I wish to 
 say, at this point, that we have with 
 
 75
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 US to-night Mr. |. Chylde Childers, 
 the celebrated poet, who has kindly 
 consented to read us an original 
 poem. ' Poetry,' as the poet says, 
 * has power to soothe the savage 
 breast,' not, of course, that there 
 are any such here, but we all adore 
 poetry, I am sure, and Mr. Child- 
 ers has dashed this off for our 
 especial benefit. Mr. Childers." 
 
 Mr. Childers arises. He wears 
 a long, flowing tie with his Tuxedo, 
 and has a pale and distraught look. 
 Mr. Childers is a bookkeeper in a 
 wholesale grocery house in the day- 
 
 76
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 time, but is a poet at night. He 
 smiles and says: ''Gentlemen, I 
 have prepared a little thing for your 
 delectation, which I have called 'A 
 Reverie in Purple' — a poor thing, 
 but mine own." He draws out a 
 large roll of manuscript and reads: 
 " Ah, Life, thou bring'st me Httle joy, 
 Thou bring'st me only pain ; 
 Thou art'st a hollow, shallow toy 
 
 Mix'st up with sordid gain. 
 Thou'st lasts a few, short, weary years 
 
 And then we get'st surcease — 
 So off with dreary, darkling fears 
 
 That in our souls do crease. 
 And from Lethe's stream now quaff with 
 
 me 
 And join in my Purple Reverie."
 
 WE HAVE \\' I T H IKS TO-NIGHT 
 
 Whereupon Mr. Childers reads 
 forty-seven more stanzas of his 
 poem, each stanza telHng of some 
 new phase of his reverie, which is 
 a fine, sloppy, sentin^^ental reverie. 
 As he recites the Imes: 
 
 "And in emblossonied floral bowers 
 When soul met soul in purple light," 
 
 there is a loud cry of "Mush! 
 Mush! Mush!" This rather dis- 
 concerts the poet, and he hurries 
 through his remaining stanzas, 
 while the young men at the end 
 table chant: "Mush! Mush! 
 Mush-mush-mush! " 
 
 78
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 The Toastmaster (severely): " I 
 regret that anv of our company so 
 far forgot themselves as to be rude 
 to Mr. Childers, whom, I am sure, 
 we all thank for his beautiful poem, 
 which is very uplifting; but, as the 
 hour is growing late, I will be brief 
 in my introductory remarks and 
 only say that we have with us to- 
 nio^ht that celebrated rancoontoor, 
 1 should say rangcongteur, Mr. 
 Claude Chestnutt, who has kindly 
 consented to tell us a few stories. 
 Mr. Chestnutt." 
 
 Mr. Chestnutt is discovered to 
 
 79
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 be a short, stout gentleman, very 
 self-possessed, who moves back to 
 the end of the hall so everybody 
 can see him, and begins a long and 
 involved storv about a negro, a 
 mule, two white men and a cotton 
 field. He describes the negro with 
 imitations, the mule with imita- 
 tions, the white men with imi- 
 tations, and the cotton with imita- 
 tions. After he has talked half an 
 hour he begins cautiously leading 
 up to the point of his story, putting 
 in all the detail he can think of, 
 and using five or six dialects, in- 
 
 80
 
 \\E HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 eluding one for the mule. This is 
 the way it comes out: 
 
 " Scipio, you black rascal, did 
 you-all mail that letter that was on 
 my desk this morning ? " 
 
 " Yassir, vassir, I reckon I done 
 mail um." 
 
 " But, you black idiot, didn't 
 you-all see it had no address on 
 it ? " 
 
 " Well, massa, I dun 'spect it 
 wuz one 'f dem 'nonnymus letters." 
 
 Mr. Chestnutt pauses for his 
 laugh, assuming a sort of a Gee!-I- 
 can-do-better-than-that air. Then 
 
 8i
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 he says: "Now I'll give you a 
 short, new one I heard the other 
 day. Two Irishmen eating to- 
 gether. One takes the mustard 
 pot and puts a spoonful of mustard 
 in his mouth. He begins to cry. 
 ' Whot are yez cryin' about ? ' asks 
 the other Mick. ' Sure, I'm cryin' 
 because my poor father's did an' 
 gone.' The other Mick puts a big 
 spoonful of mustard in his mouth 
 and begins to cry. ' Whot are yez 
 cryin' for ^ " ' Sure, I'm cryin' 
 becase ye didn't die whin y'r 
 father did." 
 
 82
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 Judge Bolus and Mr. Skinnem 
 laugh violently. " I hadn't heard 
 it before for fifty years," says the 
 Judge, gasping. 
 
 A Voice: "That'll be about all, 
 Chestnutt." 
 
 Mr. Chestnutt looks around in 
 an aggrieved manner and goes to 
 his seat. 
 
 The Toastmaster: "And now, 
 gentlemen — now — we shall have 
 the treat of the evening. We have 
 with us to-night a guest whom I 
 have purposely reserved to the last, 
 to top off this feast of reason and 
 
 85
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 flow of soul, as the poet says, to 
 make this the most notable banquet 
 ever held by this society. I refer, 
 of course, to United States Senator 
 Demosthenes Butt, who has hon- 
 ored us with his presence and who 
 will speak on that inspiring topic: 
 'The Stars and Stripes.' Senator 
 Butt." 
 
 The Senator had been sitting in 
 a bored attitude for two hours. 
 Now he brightens perceptibly, rises, 
 bows to the Toastmaster and to the 
 remaining diners and says oro- 
 tundly: "Mr. Toastmaster" — then 
 
 86
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 he pauses for a moment, sweeps 
 the room with his eyes and says, 
 "and gentlemen: I have been 
 highly edified this evening by the 
 brilliant addresses I have heard, 
 and I feel somewhat abashed " 
 (pauses to let that sink into them; 
 everybody laughs the sort of a 
 laugh that means they all know 
 what he can do when he lets out) 
 — " I feel somewhat abashed in 
 rising before you. Had I the legal 
 clarity of vision of my friend, Judge 
 Bolus" (bows to the Judge), '^ or 
 the eloquence of my friend, Con- 
 
 87
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 gressman McGuff" (bows to Mc- 
 Guff ), " I might, with better grace, 
 presume on your patience; but as 1 
 am not so highly gifted I crave your 
 forbearance, and say to you, in all 
 sincerity, that whatever shortcom- 
 ings I may have will be shortcom- 
 ings of the head and not of the heart. 
 " Gentlemen, when Freedom tore 
 the azure robe of night and set the 
 stars in glory there, there was 
 created a banner of light that shall 
 ever proudly wave as the emblem 
 of the free. Those stripes of glo- 
 rious red and milky white, those
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 Stars set on that gorgeous field ot 
 blue, the gonfalon of liberty, the 
 standard of freedom, the pledge 
 given by our forefathers and gal- 
 lantly maintained by ourselves, 
 that never in this country shall 
 there be a throne, that never in 
 this country shall there be aught 
 but that life that is liberty and that 
 liberty that is life. 
 
 '' From where the great Atlantic 
 surges on the rocky shores of our 
 eastern coast to where the soft 
 Pacific taps, with fairy fingers, the 
 golden sands of our western shore,
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 from the ultramarine and pellucid 
 depths of the Great Lakes to the 
 balmy breezes that blow over the 
 tiny and odorous wavelets of the 
 green-embosomed Gulf, from where 
 the Mississippi rises to where, the 
 Queen of Rivers, she gives her 
 largess to the ocean tides, from the 
 pines of Maine to the cypresses of 
 Florida, from the ruddy orchards 
 of Washington to the gleaming gold 
 of the orange groves of California — 
 from North to South, from East to 
 West, there rises the grand, antiph- 
 onal chorus, that mingles with 
 
 90
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 the music of the roUing spheres, 
 that mighty paean of praise and 
 thanksgiving, that joyous anthem 
 of the blest : 
 
 '''Hail! bannerof freedom, blue 
 and white and red. Hail! flag of 
 deeds and destiny, spangled with 
 shmimering stars. Hail! gonfalon 
 of glory, my flag— your flag— OUR 
 PLAG— hail! thrice hail! Never, 
 NEVER, NEVER shall your glorious 
 folds be furled ; never, never, 
 NEVER shall you wave over aught 
 but a free country and a free people, 
 now and forevermore! 
 
 91
 
 WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT 
 
 Senator Butt sinks into his seat, 
 overcome with emotion. Everybody 
 sings " America." The crowd goes 
 out. The dinner is over. 
 
 In the cloakroom: "That was 
 fine what the Senator said, wasn't 
 it .? " 
 
 '' Yes ; what was it ^ " 
 
 " I forget." 
 
 THE END 
 
 92
 
 
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 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 
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