BETSEY JANE WARD, 
 
 [BETTER-HALF TO ARTEMUS] 
 HUR 
 
 BOOK OF GOAKS 
 
 WITH A HULL AKKOWNT 
 
 OP 
 
 THE COARTSHIP AND MARIDGE 
 
 TO 
 
 A4SAID ARTEMUS, 
 
 AND 
 
 MISTER WARD'S CUTTING-UP 
 
 WITH 
 
 THE MOEMON FAEE SECKS 
 
 with Pikturs drawed By Mrs B. Jane Ward 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 
 JAMES O'KANE, PUBLISHER, 
 
 NO. 12G NASSAU ST. 
 
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1866, 
 
 BY JAMES OK A N F , 
 
 In the Clerk's Office, of the United States DUtrict Court for the 
 
 Southern District of the State of New- York. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 
 Introduction, . ... - 5 
 
 Book of Goaks, ... - 9 
 
 Courtship and Marriage, - - - - 12 
 
 A Genius for Silver Spoons, - - - 21 
 
 A New-Years' Gift, - - - - 28 
 
 Forrest in Othello, - - - - 31 
 
 1 he Sorrows and Trials of Marriage, - - 33 
 
 The Trial, - - - - - . 38 
 
 Extraordinary Trial, - - - - 40 
 
 The Nigger Meeting, . - - - 45 
 
 Pharmacy Extraordinary, - - - - 52 
 
 The Duel, . . . - . 58 
 
 Visit to New-York City, - - ', - 65 
 
 The Candidate, - - - - 71 
 
 Spiritual Siance, - - - - 75 
 
 A Family Squabble, - - - - 81 
 
 The Sailing Party, .... 83 
 
 The Bad Bill, .... 87 
 
 The Volunteer, ----- 91 
 
 Authorship, - ... . . 95 
 
 The Higher Law, - - - - 99 
 
 The Beggar, .... 103 
 
 The Martyr, ..... 105 
 
 Mrs. Ward as a Poet, - - - 111 
 
 A New Movement, .... 114 
 
 The Funeral, - - - - 117 
 
 The Hungarian Patriot, - - - 121 
 
 Retribution, . . . . . 123 
 
 Astronomy, - - - - - 125 
 
 A City Girl, ..... 128 
 
 An Enthusiastic Friend, .... 131 
 
 The Actress, - - - - - 137 
 
 The Doctor, ..... 140 
 
 The Apparition, .... 145 
 
 The Village Belle. .... 149 
 
 iV!M5e33 
 
iv. Contents. 
 
 Aristocracy, - - - - - 155 
 
 Cactse for Jealousy, - - . . 164 
 
 hospitaijty, - - - - - 168 
 
 Free Suffrage. - - - = - 174 
 
 The Travelling Show, - - - 176 
 
 The Itinerant Lecturer, - - - - 184 
 
 The Income Tax, - - - - I90 
 
 Visit to Boston. - - . - - 192 
 
 The Wit of Betsey Jane, - - - I99 
 
 Confirmation Strong, - - - - - 200 
 
 Matfmnal Counsel, ... - 209 
 
 The Thunder Storm, - - - - 215 
 
 The Album, - - - - - 217 
 
 The Affectionate Couple, - - - - 219 
 
 Views of Travel, .... 223 
 
 Shocking Accident, - - - - 225 
 
 A Wandering Minstrel, - - . 230 
 
 The Fhrknologist, - . - - 236 
 
 The Actor, - . . _ . 240 
 
 A Remarkasle Incident, - - - _ 244 
 
 A Double Loss, .... 249 
 
 Account of Stock, - - - - 254 
 
 The Mysterious Couple, - - . 257 
 
 A Letter, - . . - . 258 
 
 A Travelling ^fERCHANX, - - - 265 
 
 The Perpetual Motion, - . - - 275 
 
 Marvelous Developement, - - . 276 
 
 Conspiracy Detected, - - _ . 279 
 
 An Astounding Ea'ent, - - - 289 
 
 Conjugal .Anxiety, - - - - . 294 
 
 Ulyssean Artifice, - - - . 296 
 Uncle Obed, ----- 299 
 
 Hiring a House, - » . - 309 
 
INTRODUCTION, 
 
 There's a smart chance of people in the world that's 
 of very little account, who can't speak to a human 
 without a introduction, & I write this pe.ece in the big- 
 gining of my book to tell 'em what I intend to do, 
 though I think a introduction is of no more use than 
 horns on a horse's head. 
 
 Everybody has heard of my Arteemass, & sum has 
 heard a gray deal too much of him, & espeshully of the 
 way he speaks of his own wife, his better haff which he 
 is bound to cherish & purtect her more 'n all other fair 
 seeks be they black or be they white. At first I was 
 advised to git out a conjunction agin his book & hev the 
 publication contradicted by the law which ought 2 be 
 done or what's the use of the mariage vow, because 
 why 1 She is his better haff as he says hisself, " the 
 partner of his goys & the sharer of his sorrers." Yes, 
 indeed, there's no miss take abeout the sorrers; he's 
 all wise let me share them, & a perticklar big share 2. 
 
VI. Introduction. 
 
 Finally, I thought Pd git out a histerry myself, & 
 that would be better than goin' inter the law which is 
 kunsidurd pocarious. Having done Somethin at lek- 
 tring <fe having been a membur of the Women's rites for 
 9 veers past, and having got my edecation at the same 
 collidge as Arteemass, I bleeved I could write in jest as 
 good style as him, though he were allways noted for 
 being a smart skollar. 
 
 If there's any truth in the wife being the better 1-2, 
 my book ought 2 be jest 1-2 as good agin as his'n. 
 
 There's a Sosiety in our villidge which J am a mem- 
 bur that have jest been put in opperation 2 make an- 
 other ammendment in the constitution, that is very 
 much needed, particularly in our parts, & it is 2 the 
 effect that all books got out, hereafter, by the male 
 speshiz shall bee inspectted by hiz wife B4 the printer 
 shall hev a rite to put a single tipe 2 the paper ; <fe there's 
 half a duzzen more amendments consarning married life 
 & the duty of husbands that our Sosiety intends to 
 petition congress for. 
 
 It's not jinerally known that I am a oi-phan, which 
 gives me a greater claim on the Patronage of the public 
 than arteemas whose parients are most all of them alive ; 
 only 1 of them is dead,(fe the diseased left him a good 
 Patrimoney consistin' of a dress kote, 2 pair of britches, 
 & a unfinished perpetual motion masheen ; arteemas has 
 only 2 finish it, & he could make his fortune by it. 
 
 Insted ot that, he is running a round with his wacks 
 figgurs whitch is a sort of heathen idoUarty, making of 
 grave iniidges & settin them up B-l the people. lie had 
 better finish otf the perpetual motion masheen which 
 
Introduction. vii. 
 
 only wants 3 more wheels 2 be kompleet, though some 
 thinks there must he a great many ammendmcnts 
 made in it B4 it's all rite & will go a loan. Other some 
 says that the more ammendments is made in it the wuss 
 it will be ; but it's a very valuable piece of property 
 wether it goes or not. 
 
 Arteemass is perptual motion enuff hisself, & had 
 better stay at home & kumfort up his better 1-2, or, it 
 runs into my head that he will git sitch a blessin in this 
 book that he'll be glad to cry P. K. V. 
 
 Mrs. Betsey Jane Ward. 
 
BETSEY JANE WARD 
 EUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 
 
 [One of Betsey Jane's Family Letters.] 
 To Miss Jenisha Whig of Injunnapylus ; 
 
 CuzziN Jerusiia : 
 
 I tak up the pen to let you know that we are 
 pritty w^ell in helth at present, & hope these fu lines 
 will find yu injoyin' the same blessin'. 
 
 You C I've took the hint that you give me the 
 last time we scene each other for that I shood rite a 
 histerry & give a serious of ritings 2 the edditorial 
 corpse in the poplar stile, which I concluded that 2 giv 
 out a volyume in the fashionabul stile wood be more 
 precocious than for to deliver a skatterin' fire thro' the 
 noospapers; <fe it wood knot be so likely 2 hit the 
 mark, which yu no who I mean that has proved on- 
 faithful accordin' 2 hiz own confession & has promuU- 
 gated it 2 the wurld, & me hiz own lawful wife & nus 
 sin a pare of twin babes this blessed minnit ! 
 
 The way I've been a true & faithful wife too him 
 
10 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 into season & outer season, standin' at the door of the 
 tent &, takin the munny as fast as it cum in, <fe always 
 in immcjit contact with him, distribittin' handbills & 
 gittin' up a tremenjus excitement with my leckturs 
 on wimmins Rites & the cold water kure, all over 
 the country whichever he went, that sum of the sisters 
 said I was a parfeck marvle, &, other sum said I was 
 a parfeck fool too make myself a packhoss for the likes 
 of arteemass. 
 
 But I had that feelin for him, seeing that I was hiz 
 lawful wife, which made me turn a deaf ear two all 
 those advice ; & when our Society for the promotion of 
 Equallity voted a rezzulution that we shood ware the 
 bloomer <fe ride astradle of hosses, arteemass took it in 
 hi dudgeon & forbid me ewer 2 stradle a hoss, which 
 he said were goin it too steep and stretching the thing 
 too fur. 
 
 This were what I called retrenchin on I's principles, 
 & I lookt at arteemass rite in the eye with a picrcin' 
 gaze like a eagle survayin' the sun. 
 
 That he shood speak thus two the wife of his boozum 
 was accounted purnishus by me, his better half. I 
 lookt rite at arteemass, jest as I mite be lookin at you 
 this minnit, & rite in the eye as a4said, that he mite no 
 I were addressin my discourse to him individooally. 
 Said I : 
 
 " Arteemass !" 
 
HUK BOOK OF GOAKS. . H 
 
 " What 1" ansured my lawful spouse. 
 
 " Do you see that kangaroo ?" said I. 
 
 " What does it signerfy 1" said he. 
 
 " There be 1 pint, arteemass," sed I ; " that I never 
 promised when I stood up with you be4 the Rev. Mr 
 Twangtext in our natyve Baldinsville. You may ob- 
 sarve conclusively that yander kangaroo knows nothin* 
 about principles bein' a onletterd child of the forrest, <fe 
 you may make him obey you permiscussly, & larrip him 
 when he are unobejiunt; but, the wife of your buzzum 
 are not a dum beast, & have hur oan principles, & them 
 air hur own property & not yuren." 
 
 " Leastwise," said arteemass ; " there are no principle 
 in makin a stradle-bug of yourself." 
 
 " What's sauce for the goose are sauce for the gan- 
 dur," said I ; " how do you ride a boss 1" 
 
 That hit him, & he hitched up his trowsis as he alius 
 doos when he is nonplushed. He seen the pint of the 
 argument direckly, and he skooted. 
 
 Yours with respeks 
 
 Betsey Jane Ward, 
 
12 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 COURTSHIP & MARRIAGE. 
 
 Arteemass have rit somethin' about coartship & 
 mariagc, which it is what mite be exspeeted from 1 of 
 the male kind when he goze for to expound a subjec' of 
 sech importance. 
 
 lie says into his book that our parients' farms jined 
 onto 1 anuther & that the cows squencht their thirst at 
 the same spring, & John Golden could tell a different 
 story, for he driv our cows to a spring down by All- 
 fierce Brown's stun house where our cows drunk from 
 time imemorable. 
 
 But Artecmas have an objeck in this, to purtend that 
 he wouldn't have took no trubble to go any dis- 
 tunsearter me, &; cf I'd been only a mild off he'd never 
 hav footed it to git a women like me, & I his own 1 law- 
 ful wife who forsook father, mother, an' aunt Keziah. 
 
 But, he knows plane as preechin' that he took a pesky 
 site more pains two git me than ever I'd have took to 
 git him, with all his monkeys & leppurds &; tigers, & 
 wax figgures, with the kangaroo to boot. 
 
 As to arteemass, when I fust knowed the crittur he 
 were a good-for-nothin boy with a short round boddy t& 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 13 
 
 long legs & looks as neer as you can giss like a big 
 bloo spider straddling along throo the mud two the 
 little red bildin where we went two the same skool. 
 
 As he newer noo his lessing. & was alius at tho tale 
 of his class, I kinder pitted the poor dunse, for the 
 teecher.had a sorter spite agin him, & yuse two set him 
 on our form betwixt 2 gals, for punishment. 
 
 Arteemass purtended that he mist his lessing a prop- 
 pus that he mite git sot among the gals, but I newer 
 bleeved a word of it. It's ver ; onlikely that sech a 
 spindel shankt little cuss keered so mutch about the 
 fare seek at his aje. I newer found him noon two af- 
 ekshunate at no time, tho I bleeve he has a sortten 
 liking for his cangaroo. 
 
 He's the most ornery husband that any femail was 
 ewer plagged with ; but its knot my fa wit that I'm 
 marrid two him, tho he tries two maik it out that he 
 had northin to doo but open his mouth & I d rapped in 
 it like a ripe sweeting ! that's the most awdashas thing 
 he ewer rit. 
 
 I giss he fuggits how he cum over my susceptibull 
 hart by puttin his handkercher to his ize & belluring 
 like a grete kaff; he fuggits how he went down onto 
 his neze & swore that I was lik the pinks in June, as 
 fare as the sno on the top of punnasters, & and as 
 the wawters of hellycorn. 
 
 Praps he doant reemembur that kold day when the 
 
14 BETSEY JANE VVAED 
 
 sno was blowin awl throo the air & he ciim two our 
 house with a sla & begged the onur of riding me two 
 church, & I refoosed rite up & down beekaws I sposed 
 he wanted to take me thare two be marred, & I 
 diddend kornsent two go till he tolled me he wasn't 
 half rcddy two be marred yit. 
 
 Everyboddy in Baldinsville can tell how out he was 
 about me & how he use 2 hang around the tavoun & 
 tawk two everybody about me, & tell how he'd laws, 
 forty pound in wait on akkownt of my crewel ty in knot 
 lissening two his soot. 
 
 The fust time that arteemass maid inny impresshun 
 onto my tender buzzum was in killin hog time. It wuz 
 orful kold wether & he cum two the house, along with 
 the rest, two help. I gut up yarly & went out two see 
 'em stick. 
 
 They wuz a allfired squeelin when 1 gut on the 
 ground. 1 big barrar hog wuz down, & arteemass 
 stoed over him brandishing his long nife & axing to go 
 in jest lik some grate millentary hero that we rode on. 
 Jt put me in mind of Sur Willyum Walrus & Thad- 
 yeous of Wawsaw, & when the hog wuz kilt & skawlt, 
 arteemass skraped off a passul of good long brussels & 
 did 'em up in a bunch & brawt 'em to me. I sold 
 them brussuls arteward for ate punse to Richard 
 Whitsun the shoonmaker. 
 
 It were these dellicut attenshuns onto the part of 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 15 
 
 arteemass that won my hart mowrn awl his snufflin & 
 cryiii & kattywawlin down onto his neze, which it 
 mite soot some sitty ladies well enuff, but my vurjin 
 hart alius purfurd sumthing more sollidur than those 
 galluntry purformans, when he kolled me a angel, 1 
 node he were praisin me a little two steep & I larfed 
 rite in hiz fase, but when he tuk me in2 the tavoun & 
 gin me a hunk of cold pork & a big peas of punkin p' 
 I felt my bowils yarn for him mourn ewer. 
 
 Finully, muther kolled me into the West rheum "J 
 sabbaoth arfturnoon & sot me down in the arm cheert 
 which I reemembur it as well as yisturday. & sez she : 
 
 " My dawter Betsey, the picktur of yure oan be- 
 loved muther.*' 
 
 Sez I : "Go in, muther — what air the matter 1 what 
 is up ?" 
 
 Sez she : " It's the dooty of parients two purvide for 
 their avvfspring & two purteckt their morruls from 
 harm." 
 
 " That's your part of the bargain, muther," sez I ; 
 ^' it's know kornsarn of mine. Now, what is it yu hev 
 tur say to me, for I no y u haint put on that long fase 
 for northing." 
 
 "My dawter Betsey the very picktur of yure beloved 
 muther " 
 
 " Yu've sed that be4. Go in, mother, what's up ? 
 Sling out the grit of the subjeck at onct !'' 
 
IQ BETSEY JxVNE WAED 
 
 "There's been goii^s on around hear, my dawter 
 that's gove rize to my obsarvashuns. They say that 
 yu've gut a affinerty." 
 
 ** Lord sakes, what's that, muther ?" screemed I, 
 jumpin up ; " I hoap it's northing lik the koUary." 
 
 " No, my dawter Betsey, but it air somethin that 
 may take yu orf as quick as the kollary. It's that big 
 he crittur that they kawl arteemass Ward." 
 
 I coulddend say nothing to that. I were stumped as 
 much as ef she'd put a hot purtater in2 my mouth, & 
 I sot strate uprite lik a clock run down, & weighted two 
 hear what she would turn out next. 
 
 She continued hur discoarse ; " My dawter Betsey, 
 maridge are a series matter for the young mind to con- 
 template ; the care of a fammuly & the variyus dootiz 
 that are into the maridge relashun is arduous in the ex- 
 treme, k as Ilamlick says in thecommidyof Perlonius, 
 it grows by what it fed onto. Listen, my dawter, it 
 are very important for you to bear into mind the wurds 
 of instruction as they flow from the lips of maturnil 
 affection. 
 
 I lookt round the room with a peekant expressien of 
 countenance, for a rose-bud, which it would be proper 
 for me to be pickin to pieces whilst listening to the 
 leckture on love & maridge, but it were winter time 
 & no roses around, leastwise some artifishul flowers, on 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOARS. 17 
 
 my Lonnet, which it being up stairs were out my reach, 
 in the nick of time when they were wanted. 
 
 She continued as folk^vvs. 
 
 " That sneakin', pussylanermus arteemass of yuren 
 are forbid the house by me & your father on account of 
 his good-for-nothing conduct, & his want of the neces- 
 sary tin. Yu are forbid to love him or to ever two 
 think of him agin the longest day you have to live." 
 
 Then I busted in 2 tears & wrung my hands, which 
 it is the only way that a young person of the fare 
 seeks are expected to do on sech occasions. 
 
 Then my affectionate maturnil parient said : " Now, 
 my dawter, I expect you to promise never to see that 
 destroyer of your peace agin." 
 
 " He will come — I know he w ill, for his love are so 
 strong that he can't keep away," said I, with 1 sob be- 
 twixt every two words, & a heavy sigh at the end. 
 
 " Listen to the langwidge of maturnil affection my 
 dawter," continued she; " if that infarnale booby dark- 
 ens those door again, he'll be hosswhipt within a inch 
 of his life." 
 
 "He will come," said I. 
 
 " Then I'll be bound he'll git a lacing !'* cried the 
 maturnil parient. 
 
 So saying, she riz up & walked out of the room like 
 1 who has fulfilled hur duty to the rising generashun, 
 hur dawter Betsy a4sed. 
 
18 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 I sot still in Pensive Mood & began to think what it 
 were best to do, as peeple' always does when they know 
 they can't do nothing. 
 
 Whilst I were thinkin over the wurds of maturnil 
 Vy isdom which I had jest been listening nn2, I perceived 
 a shadder at the winder, & when I looked up, I. seen the 
 the head of my affinity inside the room whilst the rest 
 of his body were onto the outside. 
 
 I riz up & flew to his side, <fe said : " Run for your 
 life, artecmass, for if you are found here, you'll be 
 hosswhipt within a inch of your natteral life !" 
 
 Instead of takin' my advice, he jumpt in2 the win- 
 der. 
 
 " Go — run — escape, arteemass," cried I versifurusly; 
 " or you'll be larrupt " 
 
 " Hoo'll larrup me f cried he, " no, no, Betsey, I 
 shall not be larrupt ; bet your life onto it." 
 
 " But, arteemass, you wouldn't hurt my parient — the 
 parient of your Betsey 1" 
 
 " Hurrah !" hollurd arteemass as he cotch me round 
 the waist ; " ??iy Betsey, are you 1 I hevn't hearn that 
 A'ord be4. Ef you're niT/ Betsey, I'll defy the hull uni- 
 versal creation. Hurrah !" 
 
 Then he huggd & kissed me with such a parsimonus 
 fury that 1 could only ketch my breath by spells, & so 
 it were unpossible for me to leckture him on the mon 
 srracious wickidness of his behavior. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 19 
 
 I perceived that in my anxiety I had let the feline 
 animal escape from the bag, & I was purpoytrusly 
 motificd to think that, in those word my, I had gove 
 arteemass the conceit that I would agree to tic the 
 nuptual Ivnot. 
 
 " When will you go in, my cove ?" asked the young 
 man. "Dalays are danjerus, & the sooner v/e can be- 
 gin too increase & multiply, which are as good scriptur 
 as you'll find in all Baldinsville." 
 
 I knowed he telled the truth, for I had read those 
 pious langwidge in the Bible myself, & I said to the 
 young man : 
 
 " Now, arteemass, you are something, on the speak, I 
 know ; but will you deklair onto your soUem word &; 
 honor that in takin' me for your lovin' & obedient 
 wife, you are only doing it from a pious motive & from 
 a cents of duty f 
 
 " Yes, I'll swear it sollem," says he ; " the scriptur 
 tells us to increase & multiply, & I bleave its my duty 
 to obey the scriptur, else I'd never think of bein' mar- 
 ried at all." 
 
 " Then if those is your pious motifs," says I, " there 
 can't be no further objecktion, & I'll go in, hurry up, 
 arteemass, for I are pesky afeard of that hosswhip." 
 
 " So am I," said arteemass ; and he hurried me off 
 drcdful, as if he was onakkountably skeered at what J 
 had telled him about the hosswhip. 
 
20 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 When we got to Squire Gooding's house we found he 
 were gone away, to see his son who was sick of the 
 ploorissy. 
 
 Arteemass swore like seven footed nigger, but I 
 asked Mrs. Gooding where his son lived, & ef she had 
 a hoss and shay to let. 
 
 She said her son lived 5 miles off, & her husband 
 had got the hoss. 
 
 " Nevier mind, arteemass," says I ; " We can foot it, 
 if you deklair that you are actuated by the pious mo- 
 tif you telled about." 
 
 " Sartingly," said arteemass, & we footed it down to 
 the place where the squire's son lived & got married. 
 
 Father and mother was as mad as a hot skillet when 
 they heered of our cuttings-up, but they couldn't do 
 nothin' & they concluded not to make a kupple of fools 
 of themselves. So they let us intirely alone, only 
 father looked as sour as swill whenever arteemass cum 
 near him, & muther hid the l-4d quince behind the 
 sugar bowl whenever he sot down to tea with us. 
 
nUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 21 
 
 A GENIUS FOR SILVER SPOONS. 
 
 1 day when arteemass & me had arrove in a villidge 
 called Worstur, & I were engaged in ficksing up the 
 wax figgurs, & trying to make jineral Washington 
 stand alone without leaning agin Georje the Third, who 
 should make his appearance but my pesky man artee- 
 mass, in company with a critter about 1-2 a foot taller 
 than himself, with a awfull long chin, a big roman nose, 
 & a long-tail coat that came enermost down to his 
 heels. 
 
 He had on 1 boot that come above his knee, & on 
 the tuther foot was nothing but a injur rubber overshoe. 
 He were the queerest lookin' critter that ever come 
 down, & I says to arteemass: 
 
 " What upon yarth are you goin' to do with that 
 critter, artemass ? Is he to be put into the show ?" 
 
 " Whist — pish — hish !" said my man, lookin' back at 
 the fellow as if he were afeard he would hear what I 
 said about him ; " hold your tongue my love, or you'll 
 spile all." 
 
22 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 Then I knowed something were up, as artccmass 
 never called me his love only when he were goin' to do 
 some foolish thing that I did not like. 
 
 I said no more, but used my eyes in loo of my tung. 
 
 The tall splice come poking along toward the door 
 of the Tent & peeked in. I was jest goin' to hold out 
 my hand for the 15 scents which it is our unvaryble 
 charge, children accepted who are half prise, when 
 arteemass took hold of his hand & led him rite in2 
 the show. 
 
 As he went in, the fellow make a bough of sich a 
 aimbiggus description that it are unpossible to tell 
 whether the bough was made to me or to keep his head 
 from strikin' agin the upper sill of the door. 
 
 P'raps it were intended to answer both purposes, so 
 that if arteemass were jellus he could say he bent 
 down his head to keep clear of smashin' it at the same 
 time he'd git credit from me for his politeness. 
 
 I concluded that he were some kin to the Yank that 
 scent warming-pans to the West Injiz to be used for 
 mollasses bailers. 
 
 As I stood in the door, I heered the fellow prazing 
 everything ; the Kangeroo were the most elegunt critur 
 in the hull world, the wax figgurs was t^vist as nateral 
 as life, & the figgur of jineral Washington must have 
 been maid in Urope or Chyner it were such a fine re- 
 zemblance. 
 
HUE J^UOK OF GOAKS. ^H 
 
 When he come out, I asked him if he'd ever scon 
 jineral Washington. He said no, that grate & loyal 
 patriot died be4 he were bornd. 
 
 " Then how upon yarth do you know it looks like 
 him so exactly !" 
 
 " Oh, I seed a old kullud lady in New York which 
 she described his looks to me exactly," answered the 
 the fellow. 
 
 " Who was she ?' I asked him. 
 
 "Hur name were Joyce Heath, <fe she were nuss of 
 that grate military hero, & knowed all about his looks." 
 
 " How do you know she were his nuss 1" I asked. 
 
 " How do I know, indeed ; why Mister Barnum 
 tolled me so M'ith his own lips," says he. 
 
 " Ah ! well, that's enuff, of course ; very," says I ; 
 " for Barnum's a very spektable man & a temppruns 
 leckturer. Anything he says are as true as gospile, of 
 course." 
 
 I was glad to larn that a man who pronounsed our 
 wax figur such a fine likeness, had got a correct des- 
 cripshun of Washington's looks from the nuss at whose 
 buzzum he drew lackteel stream which it made him 
 what he was. 
 
 " I'll say that for jinural Washington," says the fel- 
 low; " he were a very fine man & a smart man, & ] 
 don't keer who hears me, I'll maintain what I say !" 
 
 I seed he were a man of grate indepeadense for he 
 
24 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 said he diddend care who heard him say it. It was like- 
 Martin Luther when he dieted on worms. 
 
 The fellow cotch arteemas by the button & asked 
 him for eighteen pence to git some dinner, whilst he 
 were gone to his feed, arteemass says to me : 
 ' ' We must cherish that gentleman as the apples into 
 our eyes." 
 
 I thought it it were a conundrum, <fe says I : " I give 
 it up." 
 
 Arteemas continued : " That man I fell in with in a 
 strornerry, providenshell manner, <fc I think he'll be the 
 makin' of my fortin. He's a genus." 
 
 "A what?" says T, with proper revurrence, for I 
 knowd it was something dreadful grand. 
 
 " A genus, Betsey. You've heard of a genus, Shak- 
 spear were a genus, Columbus that discovered Ameriker 
 was a genus, & Harry Clay was a genus." 
 
 " Mitey !" suz I ; "is those stranger 1 of that sort ?" 
 '"Skurcely the same," answered arteemass; "he's 
 a genus more like Eaffle that drew all the picktures in 
 Rome. He'll be of great use here in giving his opin- 
 yun upon stattooz & painters & sitch." 
 
 I'm free to confess there seemed to be some miste- 
 erious about this, & I felt kinder squirmish about 
 this stranger arter all that arteemas divulged. I never 
 knowed no good of having fellows around the show as 
 had opinyuns about it. The less opinyuns they had, the 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 25 
 
 better they was pleased, <fc so I concluded that a genus 
 must be some ornery cuss that went about the country 
 'spressing his opinyuns & making trubble & exputcs, <fe 
 borrowing eighteen pense of everybody to pay for his 
 grub. 
 
 But arteemass said he would grapple this fellow to 
 him with hooks of steal, <fc so he did as the seequill 
 shoze. 
 
 His name was Marsellus Stainbrook, & he purtended 
 to be ascended from some lord, <fc stayed around the 
 show a long time, prayzing tlie kangaroo & the wax 
 figgurs, & whenever arteemass did anything, he would 
 say it were the most ingenus thing that were ever done, 
 & then he would look at the pot where we biled our 
 vittles. He'd eat more nor ten laboring men, & praise 
 the vittles all the time & tell arteemass that his wife 
 were the best cook out, that she have been in France; 
 he'd never tasted such a good soop sense he dined with 
 Prinse Nappolyun. 
 
 Onct when he knowd I were standing close by him 
 behind the canvass, he telled 1 of the men that cum to 
 see the show that Mr. Ward's wife were 1 of the most 
 noble-lookin' wimmin in the hull country. That day 
 we had appel dumplings for dinner, & he ett 12' of. 'em 
 all hisself. 
 
 I think he must know that I formed 1 of his audiance 
 
 when he were praising me so steep, but if he thought 
 
 2 
 
2G BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 I were lifted up on account of it, he made a great mis- 
 talk ; for I alius conceited that he had a sinister ex- 
 preshun of countenance, & it is rarely seldom I'm de- 
 ceived with any I's looks. 
 
 Arter the end of a month, Mr. Marsellus Stainbrook 
 makes out a bill & hands it in to the amount of 45 dol- 
 ars for his services. 
 
 Arteemass couldn't keep skinning his eyes, hisself, in 
 spite of them hooks of steal, «fc he kinder hinted to his 
 honorable friend that man diddend grow on razbry 
 bushes, & that it had never rained sixpences within the 
 memory of the oldest inhabitant. 
 
 To all that, arteemass said that Marsellus were a very 
 useful man, &; he'd tolled him the Dutch names for 
 every annimul in the show & had talked of sending a 
 first rate notice of the wax figgur to the Bugle Horn of 
 Liberty. 
 
 Finnully, arteemus paid Mr. Marsellus Stainbrook 
 his 45 dollars, but, the next day, he gove him a job of 
 righting to do. That night he vamoosed, & we seen no 
 more of Marsellus ; and there were something also that 
 we seed no more of, & that were aduzzen of silver tabel 
 spoons left me by my mother. They went with Mar- 
 sellus. * I told arteemass that I sposed his friend had 
 grappled them with hooks of steal. 
 
 So it seemed that as soon as the genus were asked to 
 do something to pay for his vittles «fc his wages he 
 
IIUR BOOK OF (^OAKS. 27 
 
 launched hisself onct more on the coldonfeelin world & 
 our spoons with him to remember arteemass by. 
 Praps he seed a strikin' resemblance. 
 
28 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 A NEW YEAR'S GIFT. 
 
 Them as arc in the show biznis, like arteemass & me 
 have a chance to pick up a grate deal of infurmashuns 
 that other folks know nothin about, espeshully in the 
 line of dumb creturs, which are given us for our use, 
 sech as porter-house stakes, pot pie, pigs foot gelly, & 
 shoulder of muttin. 
 
 But some is give us for a higher purpose, such as 
 lions, tigers, bears, snaiks, &; kanggerroos. But a 
 elefunt is highest of all in the show line & the biggest 
 curiosity a-going. 
 
 There were a man of our acquanctuns named Sylus 
 joy who had a elefant that he bought of a showman, & 
 he made him a present unto a young gurl whose parients 
 were diseased, <fc had left hur alone in the warld, to 
 kombat the terurs of poverty, like the last rose of sum- 
 mer left a bluming on the grate desert of araby. 
 
 The weigh of it were that a pesky landlord in human 
 shape threatened to turn hur in2 the street because hur 
 rent were due & she haddend the means to defray the 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 09 
 
 same. S} lus heard of it & his bowils was moved with 
 komparshun for the poor young critter. 
 
 The girl cum from a hi-strung family & Sylus knowd 
 that ef he ofTared hur money, hur feelins would bee 
 hurted in the most plaguedleyesh manner. So he scent 
 her a pi-esent. 
 
 First, she received a litter from him sayin that he 
 hed scent hur a new-yeer present & wishing hur, hapy 
 new-yeer. Then cum a* colored bruther, driving a great 
 monstrasious eleflmt in2 hur door-yard. 
 
 She were 2 astonished 2 say a ward at first. Then 
 she axt the colored pusson what she should do with the 
 cretur. She coulddend git vittles enuff for hurself, let 
 alone feedin a elefant. 
 
 Whilst she were talking with the contraband, a fellow 
 in a green jacket & long boots cum up & begun to ex- 
 amin the elefant. At last he says : 
 
 "I had some noshun of scttin' up a minajjirye, & in 
 thet kase I shall want a elefant ; what'll yu take for the 
 cretur ?*' 
 
 She knowd nothing about the price of eleflmts, never 
 having been in that line bcl. So, he tolled hur he'd 
 giv hur to thousand dolars for him, & she agreed right 
 off. He pulled out the greenbacks & paid hur on the 
 spot. 
 
 Arterwad, it cum out thet Sylus had scent the fellow 
 in the long boots right arter the contuband to buy the 
 
30 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 elefant back again, <k it were Sylus's own money that 
 paid for the cretur. 
 
 In this way Syliis contrived to give the poor gurl two 
 thousand dolars without hurtin' her feelinlvs. 
 
 She never found out the trick to this day. Some 
 fellow hev been blamed very mutch for deceiving poor 
 orphans, but it were thought down our way, that Sylus 
 oughto be eccused ef he would never do so agin. 
 
nun BOOK OF GOAKS. 31 
 
 FORREST IN OTHELLO. 
 
 Arteemass perseveered iii sayiii tliet I orttoo go 2 
 the thccatyr, & sec the great Aniericane Tradjcdean. I 
 hung fire a long time, for I hed been brought up virtu- 
 tously, & hed never done sech a thing as 2 go to the 
 theeatyr, where I were alway tolled there were a grate 
 deal of sin purpretrated into i6. 
 
 Wen we gat 2 the theeatyr, arteemass put his hand 
 in a little square hole & pulled out 2 tikcts. He gin 
 the tikits 2 a fellow thet sot just inside the door, & then 
 we went in2 the bocks, which it were a great ring full 
 of seats. 
 
 There were a hule row of lamps onto the edge of the 
 floor, and under the lamps were the fiddlers and llutcrs 
 & homers who played those music which it charms the 
 savage beast, like awfus did. 
 
 This were not like our show, for there was no l»cost- 
 esses except a fellow kolt kasshy that made a beast of 
 hisself by gettin' intoxucated & trying to fight a man 
 that were named Embargo or some such like.- 
 
 I diddend like the tradjcdean at all, cause into the 
 
32 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 first place he was a niggur, &; then he got into a passion 
 like artecmass doos sometimes, so that I thought he 
 was intoxucated as well as the tuther fellow, & then he 
 choked a young lady with a pillures, & for that he 
 ortter been scent to the dry Taught-you-gas, as well as 
 the one that they called Embargo. 
 
 There was 1 ornery cuss named Rhodariggor who 
 had plenty of money, but diddend know how 2 take care 
 of it, & he were in love with the young girl that was 
 choked with the pillure. 
 
 I diddend see mucth use in2 this play, &; wisht that 
 our show was in town as that the people could chose 
 betwixt that & the theeatyr, which it is more true to 
 nature, for a wild beast is parfectly true to nature, & 
 always cuts up butiful, * speshully the Kangeroo. 
 
 But the bestest 1 in the play was a femial called 
 Emilyur, who gin the niggur his beans most allfiredly, 
 was a regular wimmins rites. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 33 
 
 THE SORROWS & TRIALS OF MARRIAGE. 
 
 After artemass & mo had been married about 10 
 weeks, I commenced 2 find that all the fine things he'd 
 said to me whilst I was a gurl, 2 win my tendur heart 
 was like the mist of the mountin' that is vaporated by 
 the morning sun. 
 
 Ilowsomever, when we get into the sheer and &; 
 yaller leaf we remembur that all is vanity &; vexashun 
 of speerit, &; then when we don't find the comfort in 
 our husband that begyld our youthfull fancy, we jine 
 the meeting-house, on the moral reform, and make our- 
 selves useful in our day & jineration. 
 
 Mine were the common lots. 
 
 After arteemass had got through with the Billing & 
 cooing of the honey-naoon, he begun 2 me tell that he 
 were boss, & it was my sphere to obey him as the head 
 of the fiimuly. 
 
 Then I jined the Femail Morrill Reform & Wim- 
 min's Rites Society, & bekame 1 of the bright shinin' 
 
 lights of that assoshiashun. 
 
 2* 
 
34 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 But arteemass was like the dog in the manger, he 
 woodend jiiie the society hcsself nor let me attend the 
 meetins thereof. 
 
 What gave me a great deel of consarn, & he &; I had 
 frequent altarkashuns on account of it, in all of which 
 arteemass was to blame, as the old addidge says : 
 "The gray mayor is the better boss." 
 
 We had a serious of disputes, tile I very naturally 
 refused to bile arteemass's meat and taters or 2 put any 
 water in2 the tikkittle less he'd promise to attend the 
 meeting with me. 
 
 Arteemass stuck it out as long as he could, but I con- 
 quered at last, whitch showed that the finger of Provi- 
 dence was into it. 
 
 He got so hungry at last that he was glad to capit- 
 terlate, & he said he'd go' onct with me 2 this meeting 
 of the Morrill Reform Society. 
 
 So I put on the tikkittle, made T, and boiled some 
 meat and taters. 
 
 After w^e w^as concluded our frugal repast, arteemass 
 tackled up the spekled mayor to the shay & we both 
 got in & sot out. 
 
 The place w here the meeting was to be held was 
 about 10 miles off, & there was good slaying, there 
 being snow on the ground. But we had no slay, & 
 there4 we went in the shay. 
 
 We had got about 2 miles on our way when the 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 35 
 
 hoss was fritened at something & like 2 have backed 
 the shay off a precipice that would have dasht us all to 
 peices. 
 
 As my narves was alius delicate, I felt pleggidly 
 terrified. 
 
 I seed that arteemass wasn't fit 2 drive, & so I l^etched 
 holt of the reins myself The hoss sot out on the run, 
 & arteemas akted like a maniac & tried 2 git the reins 
 aweigh from me, but I knowd that if I couldend stop 
 the hoss nobody else could, & so I held onto unlike 
 death 2 a defunkt countraband. 
 
 The pesky hoss got off the road & run right betwixt 
 2 trees which brought up each side of the shay, & tuk 
 the 2 wheels right off kersmack. 
 
 The shay body cum 2 the ground when the 2 wheels 
 was gone, or, p'haps its more propperer to say that it 
 sot on the axselltree, & away we went like the world was 
 coming together. 
 
 The hoss run faster than ever, dragging us through 
 the snow & the shay lookt some like a slay as the hoss 
 dragged it along. 
 
 I screeched for help, & arteemass said his prayers as 
 loud as he could holler, but when we came 2 the Fore 
 Korners where Obid Choars keeps tavern, I was sarting 
 that the people would run out &; stop the hoss, tho' I was 
 pesky near swounding when we got there. 
 
 Away went the hoss likitikut right by the tavern, the 
 
36 BETSEY JANE WARD. 
 
 end of the axsclltree scraping up the snow & sending it 
 all over us & vvc hollering for help like all possest but 
 the audacious crowd at the tavern, instead of stoppin' 
 the hoss, gin us three cheers & sung out : " Go it, old 
 fellers ! Go in <fc win, old wax figgurs." 
 
 At first, I thought them fellers had no feelinks for a 
 fellow-cretur, but as we turned the corner I heard 1 of 
 um say : " That's 1 of them patent sla/s I'll be bound, 
 which they have all kinds & all shapes down, to York, 
 this old wax figgurs thinks to cut us all out with his 
 grate display that he's a-makin' on. 
 
 But the hoss kept on as if she diddent keer what 
 people said about us, till the shay was fidl of snow, & 
 me «fc arteemas was so kivverd up by it, which it was 
 like bein' wrapt intoo our winding sheet. 
 
 At last, however, we hit kuUumpus agin a trunk of a 
 tree that knokt me right into arteemass's lap, <fc broke 
 the shafts of like a pipe stem, & the hoss cut as if he 
 was after a shoddy contract & left us squarting right in 
 the snow. 
 
 Then arteemass showed the evil nater of man «fc give 
 way to loud lafture instead of consoling the wife of his 
 buzzum <fe thankin the lord for hur murackulus preser- 
 vation. 
 
 I asked him if he was not ashamed of himself, & then 
 he larfed louder than ever. 
 
 I tolled him that ef it haddend been for me seizing 
 
HUE BOOK OF G.OAKS. 37 
 
 the reins we should never have escape with our valyu- 
 able lives, &: then he gave way to such awbstropolus 
 lafture that I believed he was an infirmed lunatick. 
 
 The boss was ketched & brought back by Duterono- 
 my Stayple, who lived in a little cabin hard by, & 
 arteemass give him a teenpence for his trouble as soon as 
 he arrove with the onruly beast. 
 
 Arteemass said he could borry a saddle & we could 
 go to the meetin arter all, both rid in on the hoss. But 
 that did not soot my ideas of what is bekuming in mar- 
 ried life. My frock was in a sad plite, & my buzzum 
 was full of snow. The poetizers may talk as much as^ 
 they please about a snowy buzzum, but it is more 
 ornery in fakt than in poetry. 
 
B£T§EY JANE WAED 
 
 THE TRIAL. 
 
 I hadend skurcely sot our black hen on the eggs, be4 
 I missed hur from the nest. 
 
 It run into my head, right off, that some sneaking 
 vagabone had had the profanity to steal that hen, for I'd 
 never known hur to be obstinate about sitting B4. 
 
 I'd no sooner gat the consate of it, then I siispishund 
 1 Simony Brown, which it was him that sassed me onct 
 up by the old brick meeting-house. 
 
 He hed a hooked nose & little small black eyes &; I 
 knowed by them marks that he was a thief. He had 
 long slim legs which they was jest the thing for running 
 away from a policeman, & that showed that natur hed 
 cut him out for a pickerrune. 
 
 I run to Squire Oyes & hed Simony tuk up, & gat a 
 lawyer to convict him, and we had the greatest trial 
 ever known in Baldinsville, & it was reported in the 
 Bugle with the speeches of the lawyers. My lawyer 
 talked butiful, all ahout Jier]/ faces d' fem hoovit cum 
 multis Ellas, d' deuce take um. 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 39 
 
 But the lawyer that pledded the cause of the pesky 
 thief got his speech in the Bugle, whilst my lawyer's 
 speech was only half printed, & so the pesky villain 
 got cleer after all, for they gin him a verdict of not 
 guilty. 
 
 Then my dandur was riz. & I tolled the court that 
 they knowed nothing about law, nor gospil nyther, & 
 that wimmin ought to set onto the jury, for that any 
 feemail jury in the country would have convicted the 
 fellow on suspishon, on account of his crooked nose &: 
 little spitefull eyes. 
 
 My lawyer spoke up & tolled em the defendant w^as 
 cleared on exiyert testimony, & that he was willing to 
 sware the hen had ben in the hands of the defendant. 
 
 The follering is the Report as it was printed in the 
 Baldinsville Bugle: 
 
40 BETSEY JANE WAfiD 
 
 EXTRAORDINARY TRIAL. 
 
 What are we coming to ! Has justice fled to 
 BRUTISH BEASTS 1 Oiic of the iiiost remarkable trials 
 ever known in this country has just been concluded at 
 the Court Plouse in Baldinsville. It is the painful duty 
 of the Bugle to differ entirely in opinion from the jury. 
 Mho failed to convict the defendant. As the highly res- 
 pected prosecutor observed at the time, his face was 
 sufficient proof of guilt & ought to have convicted him. 
 But, contrary to all precedent, & to universal custom 
 in this village, which is to convict & acquit alternately, 
 here have been two consecutive acquittals ! The pre- 
 ceding trial was that of Jenkings on a charge of inter- 
 rupting divine service by pinching a cat's tail at a 
 Camp Meeting, thus causing her to squall aloud at the 
 important juncture when the Rev. Mr. Claptrap was 
 entering upon his Fifteenthly. 
 
 Now follows this other acquittal right on the heel of 
 the first. Our feelings overpowers us when we call to 
 
nUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 41 
 
 mind the disconsolate visage of the prosecutor on hear- 
 the verdict. 
 
 The parties are highly respectable. We mean of 
 course the prosecuting parties. Mr. Artemus AYard is 
 a gentleman well known to the community, as a highly 
 accomplished exhibitor of Wax figures, lions, kanga- 
 roos,and monkeys. The immense service that he has been 
 to science, in these patriotic endeavors to improve his 
 countrymen in the knowledge of natural history, can- 
 not be over estimated. The partner of his labors and of 
 his renown, Mrs. Betsey Ward, is also a very extraor- 
 dinary personage. Five feet six inches in height, and in- 
 clining to embonpoint, she ranks among the elite of the 
 country in which she was brought up and educated. 
 Mr. Ward always travels with the wife of his bosom, 
 Indeed, with a devotion and tenderness unexampled since 
 the davs of Dido who perished for love of iEneas, she 
 insists upon relieving him of the task of receiving fees 
 from customers. Placing herself at the door of -the 
 pavilion, in all weather and at all hours, she welcomes 
 spectators and demand from each the sum of 15 cents, 
 children half price. 
 
 Yet no sooner does this pattern of wives, this para- 
 gon of womanly virtue, set her hen on a few humble 
 eggs that she has gathered together in a spirit of meek- 
 ness and submission to the ways of Providence — which 
 we are informed are past finding out — than this Brown 
 
42 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 (for we believe in his guiltj lurking, like the pestilence 
 that walketh in darkness, round the hallowed precincts 
 of lovely woman, pounces on the hen and bears it off 
 to parts unknown. To give the words of the learned 
 counsel, which would compare favorably with those of 
 Cicero against Verres: 
 
 " "Was it in the deep silence of the night when this 
 terraqueous globe is baptized in thick darkness, or was 
 it in the broad effulgence of the noonday sun, that 
 this purloiner, stooping like a savage vulture from the 
 skies, pounced upon the maternal hen affectionately sit- 
 ting upon her brood, and snatched her from her perch, 
 thus depriving her of hernatural rest?" 
 
 Mr. Logroll, the lawyer on the other side, spoke 
 with an eloquence deserving of a better cause. "VVe 
 give its speech for its eloquence, not for its justice : 
 
 " Gentlemen of the Jury : — Seldom has it been 
 my good fortune to address a dozen of my fellow-citi- 
 zens under happier auspices. All we want is the vindi- 
 cation of Truth ; and, therefore, we want a jury of strict- 
 ly honest and intelligent men. 
 
 " Such are the gentlemen now before me, and we must 
 win our case. Our cause is good and those worthy gen- 
 tlemen who try that cause are good also — good moral- 
 ly, good intellectually. 
 
 " Gentlemen, when I look upon your countenances, 
 when I see so z-nuch intelligence in your eyes— -so much 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 43 
 
 moral gcrodness in the expression of your countenances, 
 such noble brows, such lofty and capacious foreheads, 
 such an air of distinction about every one of you, I 
 must acknowledge that I was never before so forcibly 
 struck with the dignity of human nature. I scarcely 
 know you by name ; nor is it necessary, for your coun- 
 tenances would give- you a welcome from the king on 
 his throne. 
 
 " Gentlemen, I will not so ^flir insult your common 
 sense as to suspect you, for one moment, of leaning to 
 the side of the prosecution ; for that would be an act 
 like that found in Jeffries page 80, 000 : ' Cum proboscis 
 capere, quintem, quentem, poforiffery junquinquas — • 
 parly voo frenchay V 
 
 "A case like that, gentlemen, I am happy to say has 
 never yet existed in this country.- It is only in the 
 dark ages, the mid-devil ages of the -world that such a 
 deed could be perpetrated by an intelligent jury. In 
 that detestable case the prisoner was convicted on cir- 
 cumstantial evidence and hung afterwards. Seven 
 days after his death, a spirit communication was re- 
 ceived by the judge announcing the entire innocence of 
 the martyred victim. Shall this be a case of the kind 
 gentlemen? I ask emphatically, shall this be a case 
 of the kind 1 
 
 " Therefore gentlemen, we confidentially look for an 
 acquittal. We have not seen the black hen ; we never 
 
44 BETSEY JA^•E WAED. 
 
 heard of the bhick hen, and we don't believe that any 
 such a hen ever existed. That black hen is a myth, 
 gentlemen ; it smacks of the Apocalypse, when the bot- 
 tomless pit was opened and men's eyes blinded by the 
 smoke that ascended tl^.erefrom. But, gentlemen, ijoit 
 will not be blinded and bamboozled in that way. I 
 know it. I know your intelligence. 1 know -your vir- 
 ture and your honesty, and with the utmost confidence I 
 submit the case to the conscript fathers of Baldinsville." 
 
 The jury acquitted the prisoner without leaving their 
 seats. 
 
 We are shocked at the result of this trial. We took 
 tea at the Pavilion on the same eveninig and conversed 
 confidentially with Mr. and Mrs. Ward on the subject. 
 
 The amiable lady is disconsolate for the loss of her 
 hen, and great excitement has been the result of the pris- 
 oners liberation. 
 
 The infamous reporter of the Eagle of Freedom sug- 
 gested that Mrs. Ward was sub po testi vivi ; but we 
 don't believe anything of the kind. 
 
 If there ever was a true, faithful, virtuous woman, it 
 is Mrs. Betsy Jane Ward, and we believe the Eagle of 
 Liberty could be mulcted in heavy damages for trying 
 to injure the reputation of the highly respectable lady 
 of the highly distinguished exhibitor. 
 
 We hope never to be obliged to refer to a case of 
 this kind again, for justice has been outraged beyond 
 redemption in the temple of justice in Baldinsville. 
 
HUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 45 
 
 THE NIGGER MEETING. 
 
 Arteemass was never gilty of so mutch lafture as 
 he was the other night ; but he took my blesson for it 
 arfter he got home, when, as the poet says, the kurting" 
 of home rapt the. world in his obliverous vale & the an- 
 gels looked down upon a pitying world ; the stars 
 shedded their silver light, & the twinkling moon air 
 full of the memory of days that are parsed. 
 
 There was 2 be a meeting of the kullud brethren 
 & sisters in the red shoolhowse in Baldinsville, & the 
 publick was invyted to attend the same. Arteemass 
 went there knot for the perfecting of the iner man in 
 varchoo, but for the purpose of settin into the sect of 
 the skornur. 
 
 A jentlemen of kuUur by the name of Cyrus Lilly 
 was going 2 improve on the ockkazhun, &; giv out invi 
 tations 2 the respecktable portion of the inhabitunz of 
 
 Baldinsville. Of coarse our wax fisroruv establishment 
 
 00 
 
 reseeved a invite to come. 
 
46 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 I tolled art'cemass it was our dooty to be smart on 
 this oclvkazhun & dress up in our best, in order 2 show 
 our respeckt for the kaws. Arteemas put on his swal- 
 low-taled black cote whitch was willed him by his 
 granthcr SO year aggo, & had alius been kept in first rate 
 awdur ever sense. lie brushed it up and beet it with 
 a, stick 2 get awl the dust out of it. 
 
 Then he put on his kordiroy pantyloons & greesed up 
 his boots, & he lookt quite smart, tho I say it that did- 
 dend awt to say it. 
 
 As for me, I wore my black silk, whitch I never put 
 'onto me except when I am going 2 meeting. I allso 
 wore my green bunnit with a plenty of artifishnl 
 flowers into it, & put on my red shawl whitch it air the 
 one I wore in Old Long Sign where I used 2 go to par- 
 tiz, & arteemas tolled me in kornfidunse that I looked like 
 a angel. 1 hit him a slap with my fan, for it seemd au- 
 dashus like 2 praise me so steep when I was jest about 
 to enter the sankchuary, when awl sitch vanity is outer 
 plaice. 
 
 When the fokes that stood around the door seed me 
 & arteemass cumming, they begun to stair & to stand 
 asighed, 2 let us parse, for they seed that we want none 
 of the common sort. 
 
 So we walked near to the desk ; & when Cyrus Lilly 
 the minister seed us, he come down from the desk & 
 shook bans with us, & arsked us how did we doo. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 47 
 
 When arteemass arsked him 2 come & visit the wax 
 figgurs. 
 
 Mr. Lilly asked ef any of the kullud heroze was into 
 the kollecshun, sitch as Nat Turner, Kristophe, & Fred- 
 rick Duglass. 
 
 Arteemass tolled him he haddent got inny of thim 
 yet, & that none sitch had been made. 
 
 " Then I can't come konshienshusly," said Rev. M. 
 Lilly; "it's inkurridging a distinkshun of kulliir to 
 visit wax figgurs which it has only 1 kullur into it, tfc 
 I can't come. I attended a sorry in Washington tother 
 night where there was a tremenjus numbur of kullud 
 pussons, & some of the fust men & wimmin of Boston 
 in their compuny." 
 
 So arteemass prommist 2 get some niggurs into the 
 establishment, & I'll see that he keeps his word 2, else 
 he'll get my blesson. 
 
 The minister said that his feelinks was much hurt 2 
 see the prejudis against kullur all threw the country ; 
 he said he was paned at his hart 2 see sitch biggottry 
 Then I advised him to put on a white bread polltus on 
 his brest & live on a milk diet, which would releave 
 the pane. 
 
 So when Mr. Lilly seen that I had a feeling for him, 
 he said: "Thou air not flir from the kingdom." 
 
 " I'm very much obliged 2 yer, I'm shure," said I. 
 " whether you are in earnest or only in fun, it air a com- 
 plement anyhow." 
 
4Q BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 Whilst we were talking, 2 drunking sailures come in 
 & sot down jest by the side of the desk, and I node by 
 the weigh they winked at each other that they was 
 there for no good ; so I kep my i onto uni. 
 
 I've got a look that goes rite threw people when they 
 have got a gilty konshuns ; so I fixed my pursing gase 
 rite onto their kountenanses all the time, till 1 of um 
 asked me ef I woodent go out with him & take some- 
 thing. 
 
 He'd hev got my Wesson ef the minister hadent be- 
 gun to preech just at that minnit. He preechcd buti- 
 fuller than anybody that ever held 4th in that skool- 
 house. His sarmint was took down for the Bugle 
 Horn of Liberty, & was printed in that paper, 2 wit: 
 
 Ladies & Gembl'men ob boff cullurs : On dis 
 solium 'casion I 'dress you breefly, bekuz, arter de 
 'sembly am 'spersed, I is got to 'tend a sony at de 
 house of de Hon. Massa Bluelight, which are gibben in 
 honor ob do 'lection ob a kuUud pusson to de ofiis ob 
 hog-reeve. 
 
 1 hope the time come shortly wen nobody hold offis 
 'cept de poppy lation ob kuUur. [Amen from several 
 colored individuals.] I tell you gembl'men & lady, dat 
 dis child bleaves in rotoration in oflis. De white fokes 
 hab had all de offis dis eighty year, & now de time is 
 come for kullud pussons to hab dar turn. But dar is 
 some who isn't willin dat de people of kuUur should 
 have suffrage. Dey not 'low you to vote at all. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 49 
 
 But we see 'bout dat. De debble & Jeff. Davis a in 
 overfroue. Dcy make war against dc Norf & dey 
 coudn't purwail ; doy call upon de fadder, de olc Beelze- 
 bub for help & he fail to come to time. Bey get liclved 
 ebery whar, & now dey's got to gib suffage to de peeple 
 ob kuller whadder dey like it or not. 
 
 Wot do you spose we want dc suffage for ? Dar am 
 reason enough for dat, we wants de suffage dat we may 
 hang Jeff. Davis in de fust place ; den we wants de 
 suffage dat we may hang all de rest ob dem dat hav 
 been 'gaged in de rebellion ; den we wants de suffage 
 dat we may hang all dem folks at "the Norf dat simutize 
 wid de rebals & dat wote agin Marse Linkum. 
 
 Den we wants de suffage to make law dat anyboddy 
 dat gibs sass to a pusson ob kuller shall be hung right 
 off v.idout benefit ob clargy. Den we wants de suffage 
 so dat white fellersr shall be de sarvints ob de kuUud 
 poppylation, & so dat white gals shall be 'bliged to make 
 manners to kullud ladies vvhcnebber doy meet de 
 same in de 'treet, [" Go it, blacksuake !'' from a sailor 
 near the desk.] 
 
 Who dat yare? Who sings out Ijlacksnake on dis 
 solium 'casion ? Blacksnakc.you'seff, von onsarciimsiz- 
 ed philistion! Put dat scorpion out ol> dc Jiouse 1 
 [Here two lank gentlemen with long hair rose to tiiirn 
 out two rowdy sailors who were near the desk, & one 
 of whom had caused the interruption. The sailors 
 
50 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 squared off & aimed a blow at the gentlemen with hair 
 when the latter fled amain, leaping over benches and near- 
 ly upsetting the highly respected lady of Mr. Ward, the 
 distinguished exhibitor of wax figures.] Why you no 
 put dem monster out ob de house ? — Dey hab been 
 guilty ob capital 'fence — dey sturb kullud gembl'man. 
 We gwi'ne to hab a law to hang ebery white fokes dat 
 'suit de poppy lation ob kullur. 
 
 I 'fuse to 'peak n udder word till dem 'stroplus reper- 
 bate is gwine out ob dis sakid edufice. 
 
 [Here the two sailors, encouraged by the impunity 
 with which they had already offended, assailed the color 
 ed gentlemen, and caught him by the wool.] 
 
 Leggo my hair, I tell you ! Wot dis congrergation 
 'bout to see a holy pusson pressecuted in dis manner? 
 I am a martyr ob kullur ! 
 
 [Here the ladies began to disperse, and the sailors, 
 perceiving that the meeting was broken up, changed 
 their tune, pretended friendship for the reverend gen- 
 tlemen, and invited him to the tavern where his wrongs 
 were redressed and his lacerated feelings soothed with 
 frequent potations of corn whiskey. He was heard to 
 remark, as he tossed off the seventh glass : " Ah, brud- 
 dring, I always knowd dar was balm in Gilhead — pass 
 de water, landlord."] — J7<e Bugle Horn of Liberty. 
 
 That's the weigh the sarmint air printed in the Bugle 
 But the edditor havn't put down the konduck of artec- 
 
■ nUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 51 
 
 mas, hoo larft out loud \vhen the minnister was pulled 
 out of his plaice by the hare of the hed. 
 
 Think of the cnormus konduct of a man like artce- 
 mass, the respeckted profession of lions, tygers, & wax 
 figgurs, & the father of twins. 
 
 Whilst they were abushig the kullud bruthur, I riz up 
 in my seat kawled on all the wimmin's rites femail 
 present to come to the resqueuo of the holy man, but 
 they seemed 2 be all dumb founded, & cleared out of 
 like a flock of sheep skeart by a wolf. 
 
 But arfture I got arteemas home, I gin him setch a 
 leckchure that I'll be bound he'll never be guilty of 
 setch orful kornduck agin. 
 
 And they wuz anuthur thing 2. When arteemas 
 wuz going into the house, a yellure dorg call Toby bit 
 him on the kaff of the laig. I telled arteemass that were 
 a gudgment onto him for the misskornduck which he 
 were guilty of in larfing in the skoolhouse, & I tawkt 
 2 him that were a gudgment on him 2. At larst, 
 when he promist to be a obeedyunt huzband in footur, 
 I let him go to sleep. 
 
52 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 PHARMACY EXTRAORDINARY. 
 
 It air about 2 yeer ago which arteemass konsayted 
 he were going 2 hev the kollery. He kom planed of 
 panes in his hart, & his laigs, & compression of sperrits. 
 
 I telled him that were not the simtoms of the kollery. 
 but nothing wood sattisfy arteemass ; he must be dock- 
 tured rite off. 
 
 So we lookt over a docktur book together, &: found 
 that brandy were a grate meddysin for the kollery. 
 Arteemass jumpt rite up & deklared that it was jest 
 the meddysin he'd been longing for, Natur had pinted 
 it 2 his own mind be4 he had red a word about it onto 
 the docktur book. 
 
 But I had 2 words to say 2 that bargain. Arteemas 
 kewrd by brandy would be arteemass drunk as a koot, 
 & I couldn't think onto it, no how. 
 
 1 telled him that we'd send for a docktur & larn of 
 him, fust, whether the brandy was kneaded or knot 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 53 
 
 Arteemas hung on a long spell, but I wouldn't heer 2 
 it, iinelly he gove in & agreed 2 hev the docktur. 
 
 The raal docktur want at home, & so we had 2 get 
 his man, a yung fellure that were studdying for a dock- 
 tur in the orfiss. 
 
 This yung f'elure wore a high hat & rufle-shurt, and 
 high-heel boots, & straps to his pantyloons that was so 
 tite that he couldn't stupe down 2 pick up his hat when 
 it bloo orf, & was obleejed 2 pay a boy 2 pick it up for 
 him. 
 
 The peple were afeard 2 speak 2 him, he were sich a 
 monstracious griate man, & when he come to our tent, 
 he akted as ef he thort it very small biznis 2 docktur ar- 
 teemas, & had something onto hiz mind of grater im- 
 portence than that, & were into a hurry 2 go aweigh 
 again. 
 
 " What air yure komplaynt 1" sez he. 
 
 *' The kollery," sez arteemass. 
 
 He jumpt rite up & busted 1 of the straps of his 
 trowzez, & ax for some vinnigger 2 smell of vvhilst he 
 stayed, for fear of ketchin the disees, & loozing his val- 
 ubel life. 
 
 When he sez, " Less see yure tung," arteemass telled 
 him nothing was the matter with his tung ; the disees 
 were in his head & kaffs of his laigs. 
 
 " Run out yure tung !" sez he in a loud voyce, as ef he 
 was Capting of the Baldinsville millishy. 
 
54 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 So arteemass stuck it out. lie lookt at the tuii^, Sz 
 shook his head as ef lie were trying to shake awl his 
 hare orf. 
 
 Then ho ketched holt of arteemass's rist «fe squeezed 
 that a little wile, & held his hed a 1 side as ef he was 
 lissening 2 something. 
 
 " How doo you sleep 1" sez he. 
 
 " Two in a bed," ansured arteemass. 
 
 " That's knot what 1 meen," sez he ; " doo you sleep 
 well ?" 
 
 " Why, yes — kind o' well," sez arteemass ; '* that air 
 is to say, I sleep well when Betsey Jane don't akt 
 ornery " 
 
 1 gove arteemass a purcing look & he shut up. 
 
 " Well, docktur," sez I ; " what meddysin must he 
 take ?" 
 
 " Never mind meddysin," sez he ; " in the fust place, 
 bathe his extreemities a quartur of an our in hot 
 water." 
 
 He cleared rite out & left us both nonplussed. W^e 
 was appeerently left into a fix, for we dikn't know 
 what he meant by extreemities. 
 
 I concluded we'd best to inquire of the ministur. 
 
 I sot out for the ministur's house which it is called 
 the parsinedge in these parts, & I met him haff weigh 
 in the street. 
 
 I arsked him to tell me what was the extreemities 
 of a human critcr. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 55 
 
 "Why," sez he; "in the langguidge of a grate 
 author, ' Man's extreemity air God's opportunity." 
 
 So T went back to arteemas & telled him what the 
 parson said. lie said there were no cents into it, 
 & that we must arsk the squire what the extreemities 
 of a hooman was ; & the squire sed the head & the 
 feet of a man air his 2 extreemities. 
 
 So I put the tikkittle full of water onto the fire, & 
 when it biled, we begun for to kalqulate how to bathe 
 arteeemass's 2 extremities a quartur of an our. 
 
 Arteemass sed he didn't like 2 put his hed in hot water 
 a quarter of an our, & he had serus dowts whether he 
 could holt his breth so long as that without choking. I 
 diddend see how we could put his hed & feet both into 
 the hot water at onct, without he was doubled up, 
 whitch it is the weigh they carry a pig to market. 
 
 At last we pored out the water from the tikkittle 
 into a tub, & arteemass put his hed in, but it were 2 
 hot and skolt him so thet he pulled it out. 
 
 Jest then, the old doktor come in hisself, & arsked us 
 what we were doing on. 
 
 I telled him that we was going to bathe the 2 ex- 
 tremities of arteemass in hot water. 
 
 He arsked us what put sich a strange noshun into our 
 heels, & I telled him it were his young jentleman. 
 
 He telled us it were all wrong, <fe then he arskd artee- 
 mass what were his komplaint. 
 
5G BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 "The kollery," scz artccmass. 
 
 " The what?" sez the doktor. 
 
 " The koUery," sez arteemass, louder^i ever. 
 
 " What's yurc simtoms ?" asked the doktor. 
 
 " Uead-ake & pains in my kafFs," sez arteemas. 
 
 " Yure a kaff yurself," sez he ; " that's know kollery ; 
 but if you ain't keerful you may have the dipthury, or 
 the brown-keetus, or the kronnect or the billgus, or the 
 the dusppersy, but as for the ashyottuck kollery yu've 
 got know more of it as my hoss." 
 
 AVhen arteemass sed he was sure it must be the 
 kollery, & wanted the doktor to describe for it. 
 
 " It's no use to descride for a disorder which is not in 
 yure sistem," sez the doktor ; " the whole material me 
 duca wouldn't do you know good without you hit onto 
 the rite disees. Less see yur tung." 
 
 "They's know use looking at my tung, whitch is 
 nothing the matter into it," sez arteemass ; *•' though ef 
 yu can doo anything in that line, I wish you'd look at 
 Betsey Jane's & describe something for that." 
 
 Then the doktor was struck with larftur, & said he 
 would give a sedative, & he supposed the attakts was in- 
 tromittreut. 
 
 At larst he obsarved that as arteemass node a gray 
 deal mourn he did about the heeling art & the pracktus 
 of meddysin, & about the kollery and other diseesas, he. 
 diddent see know use m his staying any longer. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. . 57 
 
 Then arteemass asked him for 15 scents, & the dok- 
 tor looked up astonicht & wanted to no what he nient. 
 
 " Bekaws yu've seen all my beastesses, & wax liggurs 
 here," sez ai'teemass, " & haint gove me no mcddyshis 
 to take. Therefore you have had the bennifit of the 
 sho for nothing, & must pay like any other individo- 
 val." 
 
 " No, I charge for the visit," sez the doktor. 
 
 "'But you haint done nothing," sez arteemass ; " so, 
 pay for what you have seen — 15 scents, children 1-2 
 price." 
 
 Then the doktor storked out of the tent without 
 another word, as ef we was nobody, and arteemass the 
 father of twins and me ivussia the same this blessed 
 minnit." 
 
5S BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 THE DUEL. 
 
 Never, sence Anieriky were invented by Columbyus, 
 were they a more skandlus thing done than when a big 
 Dutchman come into our parts with his sho, & sot up 
 rite under our knows, & got out his han-bill jest like 
 ourn, & had um printed by the same typester thet 
 printed ourn. 
 
 He had a little tent that were not haffas big as ourn, 
 & had nothing in it but five munkees, a woodchuck, a 
 Paul parrut, & some sliterhand tricks, like eating toe, 
 &; spurting fire out of his mouth, <fc torking through 
 his knows, which it was calt ventrilokwissum. 
 
 Me and Arteemass held a talk together about it, & 
 kornkluded that it was best 2 make those imposture 
 hand in his reezignation, or pull his tent down by 
 forsing arms, espeshully as lots of peple went to his 
 sho, which they seemed to undervally ourn akkor- 
 deutly. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 59 
 
 Fust of all, we kornkluded to try morrill swaysuhn. 
 We drest up into our best kloze, & I put on my black 
 silk, which it were rarely seldom wore eggsept on the 
 Sabbath & on Forther July. 
 
 We started for the Dutchman's tent & kornkluded to 
 foot it, tho arteemass thort it wood be more jenteal 2 
 go into a wagging or a shaze. But it were only a 
 kwartur of a mile 2 the place, & I was for footing it on 
 shank's mayor. 
 
 So we walked up to the Dutchman's tent, <fe found 
 him setting outside & smoking his doodeen. 
 
 Arteemass took off his hat very perlite, & made his 
 manners. The Dutchman stared rite at him, & kept on 
 smoking without sayne a word. 
 
 When arteemas seen he behaved so ornery, he put 
 on his hat agin, & sed : " Good morning." 
 
 " Guten morgen," sez the Dutchman, but kept on 
 smoking awl the time. 
 
 Then arteemass was appeerently a little stuck, & 
 kauft, bekawse he couldn't think of nothing else to say. 
 
 Then I stept forrud, & I fixt my purcing gaze onto 
 the Dutchman, & sez I : 
 
 " Mister, we've cum to see you about that little 
 effare, which they say you air going two take root in 
 this yere spot, tho for that you're big enuff now without 
 growing iny more." 
 
 He smoked away till he seen I was intirely done 
 
60 BETSEY JANE WAKD. 
 
 speeking, & then he turned to arteemass, as inniirsent 
 as the angle Gabberrell, <fc sez : " Woven spricht sic T' 
 
 " What is he a-talking about 1" hollurd arteemass, 
 which his dandy was riz at this insult to his better half, 
 & she nussin a pair o' twins this blessed minnit. " Fll 
 let you no what she air talking about, you leather bed- 
 ded son of a dorg, that's a come squarting onto these 
 permisses &; interfearing with the rites o' man in the 
 most ongodly manner." 
 
 " Mine tent — she shall stay, already,"' ansurd the 
 Dutchman, <fe then korntinyude 2 smoke as ef nothing 
 was the matter. 
 
 That riled me & arteemass mourn ef he'd spit in our 
 faces, & arteemass obsarved to the Dutchman that it 
 was only the tost up of a copper with him whether to 
 jump down his throat or kut both his ears orf. 
 
 Then the Dutchman jumpt up & thumped onto his 
 breast with his thumb, and began to talk about " Mine 
 honor — mine honor," & that air awl we could compre- 
 hend of his tawk. 
 
 Then he went inside his tent, & a boy come out, &; 
 said the boss would send us a letter. 
 
 So, both on us went back to our tent in high dungeon, 
 & pritty soon arteemass gut a letter. He red it & put 
 it in2 his buzzim without sayne a word 2 me about the 
 korntents of the same. 
 
 So, I suspicioned they was something rong, which he 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. (51 
 
 v>'ould hev shode it 2 me ef awl was rite in those 
 letter. 
 
 I watched on the sly that night, when arteemass was 
 rapped in pieceful slumbers, I gut holt of the letter & 
 red as followers : 
 
 " Mynheer Wadds : Dundar <fe blixen, it vash mine 
 honor as shall be put in de fire von tausendste times 
 ven you shall told me vat ish say von time te day after 
 yesterday, von tarn ! 
 
 " Vat you call in your tam Englische ven you vash 
 fight mit von gewehr, von, zwey, drey — bang ! 
 
 " I vash fight mit you, & see vat come ef your wax 
 figgure, ha ! In to-morrow's morning drey o'clock at 
 sundowns, pehind mine tent. 1 shoot you in te head <fc 
 kill you in te face, py tam ! 
 
 " Henrich Gotleib Von Vanbenschoten." 
 
 As sune as I red that, I node it was a dual, <k I spose 
 arteemass eggspekted to get orf & fite that Dutchman 
 without my nolidge ; but I node how it would cum out 
 ef he went alone. Arteemass is northing better as an 
 orfin when he is divided from his better half, & so I 
 watched for the dual with the intarmination 2 hev a 
 fingger in the pye. 
 
 Tords morning, I faned 2 be a vicktim two the 
 drowsee god, & snored as ef awl creation had got the 
 croop. I kept 1 i half open, & seen arteemass put on 
 his close in a hurry, & take an epistle out of his trunk, 
 &; lode it up two the mussle with powder & bawl. 
 
 Then he come along & looked at me & the twins & 
 they a nussin awl the time. 
 
62 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 Then he lift up his eyes tords the plastering, & scz 
 he: 
 
 " I'm going, like Roller, to meet Piazza on the field 
 of battle, & 2 leave this onpurtected widder & orfins 
 to a cold, onfeeling world, which it air a solium moment 
 to leave them & my wild beastesses Sc wax figgers, 
 which they air to be seen for 15 scents — children half 
 price." 
 
 Then he went on & bid a very affective farewell to 
 the kangeroo; <fe arfture that I hearn him go out & shct 
 the door. 
 
 I slipped on my short gownd <fe followered him 
 immejuntly. 
 
 I node where the dual was to be fout, & so I kept 
 well behind, but I got to the plaice at last, and the 
 Dutchman was there with his epistle in 'his hand, which 
 it shook as ef his body were a personified erthquake. 
 
 I walked rite up 2 the side of arteemass, & as sune 
 as the Dutchman seen me, he begun 2 be as brave as a 
 lyon, & he strutted about the ground & begun nokking 
 his breast with his epistle <fe hollering out : " Mine 
 honour! mine honour ! I vash kill you tead in te face 
 like von slaughter-house, py tam !". 
 
 Then I sez to him : " Why don't you take your place 
 & prepair 2 exchanje shot, with arteemass ?" 
 
 " I never fites von fraus," sez he ; " Te fraus is too 
 scared of te fires. Go away & leave te grounds toet 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 63 
 
 »^ 
 
 "Never mind, mister," sez arteemass ; "she can't 
 doo no hurt here, & when Betsy Jane makes up her 
 mind to a thing, you couldn't draw her out of the idee 
 ef you put on awl the ox-teams in Injinnapylus." 
 
 The Dutchman sed he never hearn of sich like, <fc he 
 sposed the wife would alius hinder her husband from 
 fiting a dual, & he groo paler & paler, & trimbled 
 mourn more, wen he found I haddend come for 2 pre- 
 vent arteemass from fiting the duel. 
 
 " Come, Mynheer Vanbenschoten," sez arteemass ; ^ 
 
 " stand off, & let's hev a crack at 1 anuther." 
 
 Then, awl at onct, the Dutchman throo up his hands 
 &, sez : 
 
 "Oh ! mein Gott ! vot a misherable sinner I am !" 
 
 " What's the matter ?" sez I. 
 
 "Oh! I ish hev forgot," Sez he; "dish is von holy 
 day in my church ! I shall forgot all apout te holy 
 days — I shall pe so vicked as never shall pe, already, to 
 fight von duels on te holy day. Te duel must pe put 
 off till to-morrow in the arfture noon, two o'clock tay 
 after yesterday morning." 
 
 " Well," sed arteemass ; " I must abserve that I don't 
 think inny the less of no man for attendin' two his re- 
 lijus dooties, &; ef that's your reezing for delay, we'll 
 make the affare posthumous for the present. But wen 
 you fixes the time, nabur, please be partikular that it 
 don't com on no holy day agin, else I'll shoot you per- 
 
G4 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 miscuous, rite down, imiy where I can ketch you, &, 
 here's Betsey Jane two prove I telled you so. 
 
 ^o they fixt on the next morning for the duel ; & ar 
 teemass & me got up rite urly & went onto the ground : 
 but they was no Dutchman left. His tent were gone &; 
 his munkees, & his Paul parrut, & he were gone his« 
 self. 
 
 That was the last we ever seed of Mynheer Von 
 Vanbenschoten. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOARS. G5 
 
 VISIT TO NEW YORK CITY. 
 
 Larst summer, arteemass's cuisine, Relief Stafford, 
 come onto a visit at Baklinsville, <fc tolled us she had 
 been two New York whare everyboddy that air got 2 
 grains of common sense can picli up munny like the 
 moonbeams that shines for awl. 
 
 She shode us lots of ellegunt goold Jewelry that she 
 bawt in Chattum street at a awkshun store, enemast 
 nothing at awl, & said that inything yu wanted yu kood 
 get dorg cheap into New York. 
 
 That sot me & arteemass 2 kornsiddering, for Relief 
 was no grate surkumstans, & ef she cood do so well 
 into the city, we'd ought two make a forshune in 1 
 week ; for arteemass was alius noan for his talons into 
 the sho biznis, <fe as for me, I was grate at providing &; 
 giving good advice, which it was arteemass's dooty two 
 take, ef he didn't want what paddy gove the drum. 
 
 So arteemass, he drest up into his best, & I put on 
 my black silk which it is rarely seldom it goes onto my 
 
60 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 back oggsept for the Sabbaoth & other holly days, & 
 we sot out for the grate city of New York, like Paul 
 going up to Jerusalem. 
 
 When we arrove in New York, we looked around 
 upon the peple, & arteemass he sirvayd them with a 
 sort of grashus smile at there ignurrens, for they little 
 node that he was the grate wax figgur man from Bal- 
 dinsville, & the women awl hurrid by without kerchee- 
 ing two me for they little node that I was the wife to 
 the grate sho man hissclf. 
 
 Fust, we come to a grate lot that was fenced in, & 
 in the middle of it there stood an allfired big house awl 
 made of marvel, & they called it the city haul. It is 
 the place wheire the mare lives, <fc they holt the court. 
 
 Whilst we was looking at this big bilding, they come 
 along a woman in a check gownd with a baskit onto 
 hur arm. She was about my haithe, & wore a cap with 
 a laije bordur, and her arms was bear & was very big 
 and fat. I never node hur name, & forgut two arsk 
 hur what it was. But she arsked arteemass ef he 
 would hev some whoffles ; he looked into hur baskit & 
 seen something there that lookd pritty nice — a sort of 
 cakes with dents into um, <fc he bort six of "um, & we 
 sot down onto a bench <k ete um. 
 
 So, the woman sot hur baskit down, <t arsked us ef 
 we'd been long in the city. We tolled hur we'd jist 
 come down, & arsked hur ef she'd been there long. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 67 
 
 She said she was brawt up there <fe was born in 
 orringe street. Then artcemass & me lookt at hur 
 with addniurashun, and she sez 2 him : " Does vour 
 muther no yu're out ]" 
 
 Arteemass tolled hur he hadn't gut know muther & 
 sez he: "It's a smart piece sense the good woman dide. 
 She was 25 veer old when she war marrid, & she jiiied 
 the meeting house when she was 44 yeer old. Kornse- 
 kwentially, she made a good eend." 
 
 " Yu don't say ?" sez the woman ; " & what did yer 
 pay for yer noo kote 1" 
 
 " I took it in barter for a wax figgur of Tekumsin, & 
 got this kote & a picktur of Mr. Buchanan, the Presi- 
 dent." 
 
 " Yu must be grate onto a trade/' sez she ; " did yu 
 ever no Mr. Buchanan." 
 
 " Not personified," ansurd arteemass '* but we've got 
 his bock." 
 
 "What book is that?" sez she. 
 
 " It's a big book of meddysin for famellies," sez 
 arteemass. 
 
 So, she sed she must be going, & got up. Arteemass 
 & me both shook bans with hur, & give a invite to call 
 & see us when she come two Baldinsville, & arteemass 
 sez : '•' Ef ever yu come up our weigh, yu shall be wel- 
 come to see the sho for ten scents, whitch it is 5 scents 
 took orf from motyves of frendship." 
 
08 BETSEY JA^'E WARD. 
 
 She sed she'd try 2 come. 
 
 " Doo so," sez arteemas ; " sense you'll make 5 
 scents by the oppurashun." 
 
 We never found out hoo that woman was, only she 
 had good strong horse sense, &: was about my haithe ; 
 that Tni sure on as I stood up close to hur two try the 
 eggsperiment. 
 
 At inny rate, she'd found out hoo we were which she 
 would, no doubt, tell awl the people, <fe arteemass kept 
 lookin behhid him, eggspecting every minnit two see 
 the crowd come running arftur him to inkwire about 
 the kangaroo. 
 
 Then me & arteemass went up and stood by a 
 pesky big wring like a sirkuss, <fc they tolled us it was 
 the Fountain. It was the first Fountain I ever seen. 
 It was a big round hole in the ground, <fc a lot of old 
 irun in the middle of it. We couldn't find out what 
 they did with it. 
 
 A felure into gray klose about a inch taller than ar- 
 teemass came along <fe sez to him : " Hullo ! mistur ! 
 hev you dropt yer pockit book." 
 
 Arteemas put his hand in his pockit for 2 feel, &; sez 
 he : " Know^ — here 'tis," & he pulled out his puss & 
 shode it to the felure. 
 
 Then the felure shode arteemass a pockit-book stuft 
 full of notes, & sod he'd jist pickt it up, & he might 
 hev it (fe awl the munny inside of it for 10 dollurs." 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 59 
 
 " What hev yu found thare, nabur ?" said anuthur 
 felure in black klose hoo come up jest at those mo- 
 ment. 
 
 " A pockit-book — air it yourn ?" sez the first felure. 
 
 *' No, I konsayte it's knot," " but I'll give yer 10 dol- 
 lurs for it, if yer'U trade." 
 
 " No, I'm bound in onur to let this jentlemun hev it, 
 as he had the refuzle of it he4 yu come up. What doo 
 yer say, nabur f 
 
 I winked with both ize 2 arteemass, for I seen that 
 the pockit-book had mourn 20 bank notes into it ; but 
 arteemass sez : 
 
 " Stranger, I wish to make a obsarvation which it 
 seems onakkountable that ef it kontayns so much mun- 
 ny as yu pertend, that you doant keep the pockit-bovjk 
 yerself insted of sell in it for 10 dollurs. 
 
 " Bless my ize !" sed the felure ; " did I fuggit two tell 
 you that I'm going to Kalyurforny to-morrow morning, 
 & these yere bills being as how they air awl on kuntry 
 banks will be of no mortel use tur me whatsomever ? 
 ten dolluz in Noo York munny is worth awl of um 2 
 me, yer no." 
 
 " Less look at the bills," sez arteemass. 
 
 " Doo yer go for 2 dowt my word & onor ?" sez the 
 felure, & he begun to pull up his sleeves for a fite. 
 
 But a kupple of men in Bloo klose, with a peace of 
 brass hangin on their surtoot kofees, happent to come 
 
70 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 that weigh. & the felure chucked the pockit-book in 2 
 his pock it <fe made tracts across the field, grately to the 
 arshtonishmeiit of me & arteemass hoo hullurd^ two 
 him 2 come back. 
 
 . " That's the felure — arfture him !" sez 1 of these men 
 in the bloo klose. 
 
 The}' run tk the felure ruji, &; arteemass arsked the 
 other felure hoo stood still, what they were goin two 
 doo with the felure that had git the pockit-book. 
 
 " Why, you see," sez he, " they want to ketch him 
 & put him in 2 some orfiss, but he's 2 moddest two 
 eggsept of it, & so he cuts awl he nose." 
 
HUR BOOK OF^ GOAKS. 71 
 
 THE CANDIDATE. 
 
 When Jethro Fish was put up for a candydate for 
 the lejislachure, arteemass took a very acktyve part in 
 pollutiks, for he had node Jethro, man & boi, mourn 30 
 veer. They was both born in Baldinsville, & been out 
 cat-shooting together, many air the time, till they sawn 
 the mune go down, & the tinkling lites of the villidge 
 go out 1 by ], like the aujiunz when the korntribushun 
 plate is coming round in the meeting house. 
 
 Arteemass was hot for putting Jethro rite in 2 orfiss 
 without asking him inny kwestions about his footur 
 kornduck ; but, as I were a member of the Wimmins 
 Rites I couldn't think of trusting him till I node what he 
 was going 2 doo arfture his election. 
 
 I tolled arteemass that I would put some kwestions 2 
 the candydate, & ef he ansurd em rite, I would give my 
 kornsent for him two vote for him. 
 
 So, I took a peace of righting-paper & a led pensile & 
 rit as follows : 
 
 Mr. Jethro Fish, Sir : As you air up for candydate 
 
72 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 two the Lojislatoor. I rekuirc yu two aiisur the follow- 
 erih^ kwestions be4 I shall let my husband vote for yu 
 —2 whit : 
 
 1. Air you of opinion that pink-root is good for worms, 
 <fc do you no how to piid<le pigs' feet? 
 
 2. Do yu believe that wininiin air as mutch rite to 
 vote & holt orfiss as men, & will yu use yure infloounz 
 two hev the wimmin eleckted two korngress 1 
 
 3. Do yu believe that the wooman is the hed of the 
 man, &, that a disobedunt husband should be ducked 
 into the hoss-pond & put in jale arfturewads till his wife 
 sees fit 2 let him out. 
 
 4. Do you believe that Paul was only using sarkasm 
 when he sed the man was the hed of the wooman, be- 
 kaws it air presisely the revarse. 
 
 5. Do yu believe that we awt 2 believe every word 
 of the Bible, eggsept whare it comes in kornflikt with 
 wimmins Rites docturings? 
 
 9. Do yu alius let yure wife hev the middle of the 
 bed, or do you scrowge hur 2 won sighed <fe take the 
 best place yourself? 
 
 7. Do you believe that whare a man is up for the 
 Lejislatoor, a kumunity should be appinted two insult 
 with his wife & diskivver wether she thinks him worthy 
 
 of the onor ? 
 
 By ansuring awl these qwestions rite, yu may get the 
 vote of my husband arteemass ; but, otherwise, you m;u- 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 73 
 
 look out for squals, let me here from yu as qwick as 
 possible, (L' I remane, respectively. 
 
 Betsey Jane Ward. 
 
 It took Jethro a hull week two compose his ansur as 
 followering — 2 whit : 
 
 Mrs. Betsy Jane Ward : Madam : I was agreeably 
 surprised by a communication from you — an honor a? 
 little reciprocated as it was merited. Having always 
 regarded you as a lady of astonishing intelligence as 
 well as moral worth, and, as I am a family man, you 
 will permit me to say, adorned with every charm and 
 grace both of person and of mind. Beautiful without 
 affectation, graceful without hypocrisy, and, dignified 
 without pride, I envy my friend Ward the possession 
 of such unparalleled excellence — not »to say angelic 
 attributes, though I might say it in truth, had I not set 
 my face as ^ flint against even the appearance of flattery. 
 But who can spend an hour in your society without feel- 
 ing as if he had been in Paradise, talking with one of the 
 heavenly host, who so often visited Adam and Eve 
 amid the roseate bowers^ and instructed them in virtue, 
 in true wisdom 1 May I have the honor to subscribe 
 myself, very respectfully, 
 
 Your humble servant and ardent admirer, 
 
 Jethro Fish. 
 
74 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 AVhen I reeseaved that letter from Mr. Fish, I seen 
 that he had the root of the matter in him. It was a 
 ansur in full 2 awl that I rekwired, & tolled arteemass 
 that he mite put in 2 votes, or half a duzzin, for Jethro, 
 if he pleased. 
 
 So Jethro was elected, & I may talce kreddlt to my- 
 self for having eggzurted myself pursennelly 2 seacure 
 his elekshun. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 75 
 
 SPIRITUAL SIANCE. 
 
 EvER-i v-^OY 'what nose iny thing of wimmins rites, 
 nose that cptrri tool ism is 1 of the most pertikklar 
 pints of thhi purswazhun. 
 
 Thare4 I thort it my dooty to enkurridge arteemass 
 2 get a insight into the sperritmeejiums. 
 
 Sez I : " arteemass, yu air now of an age 2 improve 
 yure introlects; <fe ever sense I took yu under my 
 charge, I hev felt that I was 2 blame for not instructing 
 yu in the hire branches of eddikation." 
 
 Then arteemass took out hiz hankurcher &; blode hiz 
 knows as ef heaven & urth were coming together. ^ I 
 node by thet thet he didn't preshiate my obsarvation. 
 It was the only weigh in which he dast two express hiz 
 descent from my views. 
 
 I pade know attention two this little buy play onto 
 his part, which it is natchural 2 the onrejinerot man as 
 haz never took lessings in hooman proggress. 
 
 I tolled him, in few words, thet he must go with me 
 to the house of Miss Charity Whipple & see the pur- 
 formunz of the sperrits, as Miss Whipple was 1 of the 
 most exstrornary trance mejiuras that there was out. 
 
76 BETSEY ja>;e waed. 
 
 " It air imniiteral 2 Tnt^," sez artccmass, " I dornt no 
 northing about none- of um, I takes no interest into it 
 whatsoniGver. I'm a she man by trade & a professur 
 of wax figgurs, & not of the sperrit shoze, which it is 
 something out of my line, leastwise yu could get 1 or 
 2 sperrits in2 the tent & plaice um alongside of the 
 wax figgurs, they mite doc as well as iny other qurios- 
 sity/' 
 
 I tolled arteemass that sitch talk was profannity, & 
 thet the sperrits was invissubble & couldn't be kept for 
 a sho, only the demonstrayshuns, sitch as tipping tables 
 rapping, playing onto the gittar, & righting yure name 
 with a pensile under the table. 
 
 " Well," sez arteemass ; " stop till I can put on a 
 cleen biled rag & I'm with yer in a jiffy, <fc you'd better 
 put on yure thick shawl, or yu'll ketch cold & be hors 
 de vombat.^^ 
 
 " Arteemass !" I obsarved, fixing onto his kowntin- 
 nunz my purcing gaze; "arteemass, is thet the weigh 
 for 2 speak two the wife of your buzzim — to call me a 
 horse, & me nussin twins at this blessed moment?" 
 
 Howsumever, we got reddy <fe started orf. 
 
 When we got 2 the house of the Whipples, we foun<^ 
 all the ladiz at home, & about a duzzing speritovals cv 
 both secksez, & they was way ting for me & arteemaa^ 
 2 come. 
 
 Then we awl sot around a little pine table, for th» 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 77 
 
 sperrits like 2 hev a table that Is cozy two lift. Pritty 
 soon it begun 2 tip, & I tolled arteemass 2 arsk a 
 kwcstion. 
 
 lie arsked the sperrit ef his kangaroo was a parfeckt- 
 iy harmless beest, & the table -lifted 3 times, whitcli it 
 air in the cffirmitive. 
 
 Then arteemass sed it was rong, & was going to tell 
 how the kangaroo had bit his finger eniir-most orf ; but 
 I kieked him, under the table, onto the shin, & made 
 him shet up; beeaws I think it my dooty 2 enkurridge 
 the specrits & knot 2 korntraydict them. 
 
 At larst, arteemass konsayted that he seen the 
 mejium lift up the table by placing his foot aginst a 
 korner of the leg. 
 
 He whispurd 2 an onbeleever skepticule that sot 
 nixt 2 him, <fc they watched and seen him doo it, & 
 made him take a weigh his foot, & and when he did, he 
 couldn't make the table lift at av.d. 
 
 I node it was all rite, & Miss Whipple took me in2 
 the other room & eggsplaned it 2 me most beautiful. 
 She sed that the table had a sperrit as well as a human, 
 & the sperrit of the table air in the same shape as the 
 t^ible. But the sperrit, having no fleshly hands, can't 
 move the table itself without employing the hands or 
 feet of some human hoo is into the body. 
 
 But the sperrit ansurs iny kwestion you ask him by 
 lifting the spirtt of the table, & then he impresses the 
 
78 BETSEY J AXE WARD 
 
 mejium & tells him when the sperrit of the table is 
 lifted, then the mejium uses his hands 2 lift the table 
 itself, &; lifts it just as minny times as the sperrit tells 
 him 2. 
 
 I seen it awl as plane as day, for, in koarse, the 
 sperrit can't deal with materul substances without using 
 the hands of a materul being hoo is in the body. But 
 it is the sperrit hoo tips the table becaws it is done by 
 hiz ordurs, jest as noe bilt the ark, tho he hired 100 
 men 2 doo it for him, <fe never tutched hammer gnaw 
 chizzle with his oan hand. 
 
 Then I tolled Miss Whipple that I would eggsplane it 
 awl 2 arteemass, but she sed : oh, no, thet the oninishi- 
 atcd wouldn't beleeve thet the sperret had inything 2 
 doo with it ef they node that the table was lifted by the 
 mejiums's hands or feet. They would say it air awl 
 done by musquelar force, whereas the musquelar force 
 isn't applide to the visible table till arfture the sperrit 
 of the table has been lifted by sperrit hands, <fc the 
 mejium air instructed by the spirrits 2 lift the visible 
 table with his visible hands, so as 2 make the outward 
 korrcspond with the inward. 
 
 Were4 she tolled nic I must be very keerful knot 2 
 let arteemass or iny other outsider no how it were 
 done. 
 
 Then we went back into the rheum, and Miss Cli.nity 
 Whipple N\ent in2 a traiiz iSi begun 2 talk bulil'iil. »Shc 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 79 
 
 SG.d we mite arsk questions, & arteemass arsked hiu* 
 how old she was. 
 
 " Mortal, sez she ; *' you air ignorunt of the fust 
 principuls of the sperrits. This is knot Miss Whipple 
 what air speaking two you now ; in: air a sperrit that, is 
 specking through hur, & the mejium herself don't no 
 whet she sez, nor whet yu air arsking hur. Yu must 
 arsk some kwestion that air sootable 2 put 2 a sperrit. 
 
 " Very well. Mister Sperrit," sez arteemass ; " I will 
 arsk only sitch kwestions as oppurtanes 2 sperritooal 
 subjects. I didn't arsk the age of Miss Whipple be- 
 kaws I kneaded iny informashun onto the subject, for I 
 noee hur age as well as she nose it hurself; she is jest 
 48 year of age." 
 
 Then Miss Whipple sprung up in hur cheer & turned 
 as red as fire, & looked round onto awl the men that 
 was present, & she hollurd out : " It air a lie ! it air a 
 pesky lie. I never seen 30 yeer yet. Get out of this 
 rheum, you ornery, good-for-nothing wax figgure ped- 
 dler." 
 
 Then arteemass sez : " I arsk pardon of the mejium 
 for telling hur age; but 1 thort I were spcekrng to the 
 sperrit, & thort she dii^ln't no what I sed, gnaw what 
 ansurs she was making, it was the sperrit specking 
 through hur. But praps it's only the sperrit hoo air so 
 mad bekawse I tolled the ni'jiuiii's age." 
 
 Then there were some loud l.iflui'o hearn ftom 1 ov 2 
 
80 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 skepticulls hoo was present, & the other pursons sign:- 
 fide that arteemass had better make hisself skurce, as 
 sitch talk were never aloud in sperrit-surkles, & that free 
 speech M'as alcud in the surkles purvided they didn't 
 speak inything that was kontrary to the trnth. 
 
 Then I fixed my purcing gaze on arteemass, without 
 sayen anuthur wor J, «fc he node it were best for him 2 
 shut up, for everything could be eggsplained, though 
 the karnal-minded wouldn't understand. It's only the 
 wise that can understand these misteries, <fe when they 
 onct git nishiated it's awl as plane as day ; but artee- 
 mass never had my good strong horse sense, but was 
 alius a little shaky about the intrellecks. 
 
 Howsomever, he dasn't say northing agin the troo 
 docturi ng be4 me, for sperritoolism <fe wimmins rites has 
 got 2 flote together where they air established onto the 
 same sollid rock. 
 
lIUFw BOOK OF GOAKS. 81 
 
 A FAMILY SQUABLE. 
 
 It air sometimes the case tliat the wife — hoo air na- 
 churally the head of the fammily — has got awl the iii- 
 trellect that they air in the hull establishment. Sitcli 
 air the case with me & arteemass. He air got some 
 talons for wax figgurs & kangaroos, but my gift air al- 
 together of the intellectooal specie. 
 
 Larst Friday, I had a sellect party of the litturary 
 at our tent, & we insulted together about the best weigh 
 of governing ^he kuntry ; & koncluded two prepare a 
 pittion to kongress sitting 4th the rongs that air suffurd 
 by the fiire sect. 
 
 Arteemass wanted that I should attend to the bizniss 
 of taking munny at the door, as they were a hoss-race 
 in the neighborhood & minny foks coming 2 our 
 sho w. 
 
 A little dispute grode up out of it, like Gonan*s 
 gourd, & arteemass behaved into the scandillust man- 
 ner, & I'd better leeve holding perlittikul meetings to 
 
 the other sect. So, we went on from one thing 2 
 4* 
 
r;.^2 BETSEY JfAXE WARD 
 
 another, till he incinnivateJ that I negleted his Idoso, &; 
 that his storkiiigs was never darned, <fc it was onpossi- 
 blc to no whitch weigh 2 put um on. 
 
 That was the most insultingest story that was ever 
 tolled about a pare of storkings, for I took pertikyou- 
 lar panes 2 mark the tops of the storkings with a peace 
 of red chawk that he mite no at which end 2 put in his 
 foot, & I did this bekaws he was kontinyoually getting 
 um on upsighed down, though for that it made little dif- 
 furunce, eggsept into the idee of the thing, as the open- 
 ing in the foot was as big as the opening at the top. 
 
 The chawk mark at the top ansurd every purpuss 6z it 
 air knot 2 be eggspccted that a wooman hoo has 2 at- 
 tend 2 the reforms of the day, can attend 2 sitch ornery 
 matter as the mending of a pare of storkings. 
 
 The pressident of our sossiety took up for me, & she 
 tolled arteemass that thay was onfurnished logings in 
 his head, & that he'd better let out the top part of it for 
 a Police Station, & he telled hur that the top part of hur 
 head was used for that all reddy, awl but the fust 
 syllabuU. 
 
 But I giv him my purcing gaze, «fc he maid hisself 
 skuree. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 83 
 
 THE SMLlNG PARTY. 
 
 1 morning they cum 2 our place, a cuisine of art(fe- 
 mass from down 2 Banggaw, whare he caries on the solt- 
 hiff down-kodfish bizniss. 
 
 Arfture we had ett our brekfust, the cuisine, hooze 
 name was Benjimmin Chace, sed he'd like 2 toke a sale 
 up & down the river, & he node a man that had a small 
 slupe with 1 mast hoo would let us hev it for a trifle of 
 munny 2 use awl day. 
 
 Arteemass sed he was willing, for he'd orfen thought 
 he would like 2 ride on the water ; & so it was aggreed 
 2 by me & arteemass. 
 
 Benjimmin sed we needunt dress up at awl, as we 
 would see noboddy but the fishes, & they was a scaly- 
 set theirselves and wouldn't notiss our klose. 
 
 Akkorduntly, we kookt a plate of saucyjiz, & put im 
 in a baskit, & went down & got into^ the bote. 
 
 Benjimmin histed up the cloths, which they were 
 called sales, & 1 was bigger than the tother <fe was tyed 
 2 a big stick that swung about every onct into a wile as 
 nokt arteemass's hat orf 2 or 3 times. Wc rid down 
 
84 BETSEY JANE Y/AKD 
 
 the river in the bote, tiio it tipt down 2 mutch onto 1 
 sighed, which it seamed as ef it was going over, & would 
 plunge us into those watery grave. 
 
 Benjimmini.was the cappin, & arteemass & me was 
 the passinjers, so thct I diJn't like 2 iiiturfi>ar with the 
 mannidgement of the bote, tho I seen that Benjinimin 
 was doing rong. When I arsked him 2 go in tords the 
 land, he put the steering-stick the rong weigh & pinted 
 it ]-ite orf from the land. 
 
 Ef it had been arteemass hisself, I would hev took 
 the stick rite out of his hands & turned it the rite way. 
 
 When I wanted him to sale strate up the river, he 
 saled tord the land, fust 1 sighed & then the other. I 
 arsked him why he didn't go strate ahead. He sed it 
 air on akkownt of the wind, & he were obleejd 2 beat. 
 
 I tolled him he would be shure knot 2 beat ef he 
 saled so krooked, & 1 tride 2 make him understand that 
 he should pint the eend of the bote rite up the river, Sz 
 then he would get along fiister, but he woodent heer 2 
 me, & at last I detekted him in looking at arteemass &; 
 grinning at my obsarvations, 
 
 Arteemass grinned at him back agin, &;, into that 
 way, I was made a larfing-stock betwixt urn. 
 
 Then my dander riz, (fc I seezd the stick that turns 
 the bote, and put it tho other weigh. Benjimmin 
 hollurd out like fury, & tolled me 2 let go, but I hung 
 onto it with all my mite, (fc ef he had only let me alono 
 
HUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 85 
 
 weed hev gone rite strate up the river most butiful, but 
 his interfearing made the sales shake and flap, & the 
 bote quivvurd & kind o' turned haff round, & the wind 
 blode the bote rite down on 1 sighed & the water come 
 into my face, & the fust I node I was onto the bottom 
 of the bote, & Benjimmin & arteemass holding me on 
 for feer I should slide orf, & get drowned into a watery 
 grave. 
 
 I was wet to the skin, <fe 1 of my shoes had come 
 orf & was gone down to the bottom of the river. 
 
 " What air the matter V^ sez I 2 arteemass. 
 
 "The bote is kapsized," sez he, " bekaws you would 
 mannidge the rudder, & we had pesky hard work 2 
 save yu from getting drowned ; but we've got yu up 
 onto the bottom of the bote now, & ef you keep quiet 
 yu may be saved." 
 
 *' Oh, goodness grashus 1" sez I ; "1 hope they air 
 know danjur." 
 
 "No," sez Benjimmin; "they air know danjur ef 
 they see us from the shore, & come orf 2 take us from 
 the reck ; but ef noboddy sees us thay will be a grate 
 deel of danjur." 
 
 Then I skreeched as loud as a yung kettimount, 
 which it was the best thing as could be done as my 
 voyce mite be hearn by somebody hoo would come for 
 our delfvveruns ; for noboddy could hev the hart 2 see 
 a onpurtekted feemail choked with the salt water, ef 
 
g(5 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 she could be snatched from the dcvouryng ellemeiits. 
 
 But I seen noboddy coming, & were afeared I should 
 be drowned. Then I thort it mite doo some good 2 
 adrcss the throne o' grace, & so I sed 2 or 3 prayers as 
 loud as I could holler. For, tho 1 never jincd the 
 meeting house gnaw thawt it worth while to make a 
 purfession, yit I think it's very well 2 hev a little 
 rillijun stowed away somewhere, like Sunday klose, or 
 like a life-presarver in yure trunk, to be used in case 
 of ship-reck, or inny sitch solium awkkashun, wdien 
 praying comes natterrall. 
 
 I felt orful bad about gitting drownded, it must be so 
 onpleasant 2 be ate up by the fishiz. But that warnt 
 my cheaf konsarn, whitch it was the loss that poor 
 arteemass would suffer to be left awl alone into the 
 world, & 2 be depriveed of the wife of his boozum. 
 
 It was a very effecting thought, what poor arteemass 
 would doo when he were left awl to hisself into the 
 world like an orfin, & I was afeared it would bring down 
 his few hares with sorrur 2 the grave. 
 
 So I screeched for help, & at larst a little skift were 
 scene coming tords us. As soon as the skift got close 
 2 us, I telled arteemass knot to forgit that I was a poor 
 onpurtected feemail & put me safe in 2 the skift be4 he 
 got in hisself. Akkorduntly, we was taken in & brawt 
 safe 2 Ihe land, <fe the wife of arteeraass's boozum were 
 presarved alive. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 87 
 
 THE BAD BILL. 
 
 1 Saturday arfturnoon, when I were tending at the 
 door of the tent, 2 take munny of customers akawding 
 2 Kiy uzhal will knot, Barny Ilobbs the shewmaker 
 come along 6z arsked 2 go in. 
 
 I held out my hand for the munny which it air my 
 uzhal will knot. He larfed & sed : " yu must trust 
 me this time, Miss Ward, as times air hard & taxes air 
 
 hi." ^ 
 
 I jist pulled down my under i-lid with my fingger, & 
 sez I : " Doo yu see inything green there, Mr. Hobbs?" 
 
 " But Vm in rale arnist, Miss Ward," sez he ; "I 
 can't raze a scent jist this minnit." 
 
 " Ef times air hard with yu," sez I, giving him a 
 purcing gaze; "they air jist as hard with us, & taxes 
 air ekally hi in these yere diggins, sur. Tiiare4, I cant 
 kornshienshusly let yu in without the munny." 
 
 " But, remember old Long Sign," sez he ; " yu've 
 node me this 10 year." 
 
 "It's in kornsekwunz of knowing yu so long that I 
 cant trust yu," sez I ; " pf I'd node less al>out you, pro- 
 
88 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 haps I would feel safer in chawking it up to yure 
 akkownt." 
 
 Then he straitened rite up like a jerraflf, tfe he slung a 
 chor of tobakker out of his check, as big as a child's 
 head, & dashed it down onto the ground, and sez he : 
 
 " My kreddit's good enuff 2 git munny inyvvhares 
 into B;ildinsville, & I'll get the 15 scents & go into the 
 sho in spite of yu : see ef I don't." 
 
 Orf he went like a steembote under hi precure, & 
 enormost immeduntly he come back into the most ex- 
 citedest passion, & jerked down a 10 scent & a 5 scent 
 stamp. 
 
 " Thare's yure munny," sez he. 
 
 He were going rite in, but I held out my 2 arms & 
 kept him back. Sez I : 
 
 " Mr. Hobbs, on akkownt of the noli-dge I hev of 
 yure murrallities, I must eggzamune these yere bills in 
 the most purtickularest manner, bc4 I can let yu 
 parse." 
 
 That made him so mad he was reddy 2 bust his wes- 
 kit, & I kornsayte that ef arteemass's head haddent 
 been in sight over the top of the purtition, heed hev 
 rushed rite in, in spight of me. 
 
 So he stood still <fe glowered at me like I'd been 1 of 
 the kewriossities of the sho myself. 
 
 I ketched up the 10 scent stamp, Ss I preseevcd it 
 were kownturfit at the fust glimps into it. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 89 
 
 Scz I : " It's a bad bill." 
 
 Scz he : " Miss Ward, knot wishing to give you a ill 
 unswur, I must tell yu that yure nyther a witch gnaw a 
 angle, or yu'd a node it were a good bill. I jest got it 
 from the square hisself." 
 
 When he sed that, I rikkognirizcd the bill at onct, 
 for I'd parsed it orf 2 the square myself on that very 
 morning, in change for half a dollar. So I'd the best 
 rezins 2 no it were a bad bill, & scz I : 
 
 "Mr. Hobbs yu hev behaved here into a very 
 onuseyourawl manner. Fust yu wanted 2 get trusted 
 & then yu bring a kownturfit 10 scent stamp. It's 
 my advice that yu go strate home 2 yure shop, be4 yu 
 get a dose of stirrup-ile," & I knodded my head into 
 the direction of arteemass. 
 
 " Never mind yure husband," sez he ; ." yure a pare 
 of noboddies inyhow, & the villidge of Baldinsville 
 would be well rid of you both." 
 
 Then arteemass come out, when he hcarn that, & 
 asked what air the matter. 
 
 Sez I : " This yere kobbler hev spoke misrespecktful 
 2 the wife of your buzzim, & she nussin a pare of twins 
 this blessed moment." 
 
 " Ef I had my ryefuU hear, I'd shute yu like a dorg !" 
 sez arteemass to Hobbs. 
 
 " Yu couldn't doo nothing," se? Hobbs, " ef yu had 
 yure gun hear on the spot." 
 
90 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 " YuM find out," scz arteemass ; " yu wouldn't bo 
 so lucky as Sum Flynn was, which he had a Lullct 1.^0 
 rite through his head, & air alive &: well this minnit." 
 
 " There would be know danjur in shuting yu through 
 the head, inyhow," sez Ilobbs; "it wouldn't kill yu 
 at awl." 
 
 " What's the reezinf sez arteemass. 
 
 " Be'.caws the ball wouldn't be in iny danjur of 
 tetohiiig any brain," scz he. 
 
 " What doo yu mean 1" sez arteemass. 
 
 "That yure skull air as ]\IT as a sukt egg-shell," sez 
 Ilobbs. 
 
 " You pesky wax-knows, ornery cuss !" sez artee- 
 mass ; " for 2 pins I'd kut both yure ears orf & skin 
 yu alive. But yure beneath my notus." 
 
 "Ef I air beneath yure notus, I'll never be bit by 
 dorgs," ansurd the purvarse felure ; "' for inybody that's 
 berneath yure notus must be inferm 2 a puppy dorg, & 
 the animiles wouldn't soshiate with him. As for yu, 
 yu air along with yure proppur kumpanyuns, monkeyi* 
 & kangaroos & sitch like. As the poem sez : "Birds 
 of a fether flocks together." 
 
 That riled arteemass so bad that he lookt onto the 
 fclurc with porfect korntempt & walked rite away, 
 foUowcred by the wife of his buzzim. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 91 
 
 THE VOLUNTEER. 
 
 It air 2 yeer come nixt munth, when they came in2 
 Baldinsville a loyal patrott by the name of Silvaneous 
 Gabble. 
 
 He were in hopes of getting a sittyvation 2 go as 
 minister 2 Chili, or 2 some other outlandish place that 
 nobody never hearn about. That kept his patrottism 
 np 2 the biling pint & made it slop over onct into a 
 while. 
 
 At larst he come 2 our villidge & appinted a grate 
 meetin 2 addres the peple & purswade urn awl to 
 volunteer. 
 
 The parson opened the meeting house for him 2 
 speechify into, &: evei^ybody went 2 hear, him eggsept 
 me. I was obleeged to stay & tend the sho into the 
 absense of arteemass. 
 
 Arfture arteemass had been ^ hear him onct, he was 
 awl possest, & deklarod that he would bnklde on his 
 se-woard & go for 2 fite the inimy ef it cost him his 
 life. 
 
 When I seen the speech published into the Bugle 
 Hum of Liberty I felt a little tetched iip myself for it 
 red butiful, espeshally these lines — 2 whit : — 
 
92 BETSEY JANE WAIiD 
 
 "Feller-citizens: If there's any of those infarnal 
 copperhead in this sacred village, that believes Chris- 
 tianity is against skinning rebels alive, hanging um with- 
 out judge or jury, & sculping their wives & children 
 before their eyes, haul him out & send him on to 
 Washington to be tried for treason & hung till he is 
 dead — dead — dead. 
 
 " If there's any one in your parts that holds his 
 peace &; that don't cry, day & night, against rebels & 
 copperheads, & pray God to v.'ithhold fiom them the 
 means of salvation, & send them to h — iii spite of rcr 
 pentance, let him be incarcerated forthwith; & if you 
 can't prove anything against him, so much the better 
 for it is a sign that the devil takes his part & helps 
 him to escape the law. Turn him over to the first 
 colonel or brigadier that you can scare up, who will 
 deal with him as he deserves & hang him on suspicion. 
 What if the fellow is proved to be innocent after he is 
 hung? That won't bring him to life again, & the 
 officer who hung him will be promoted for his zeal in 
 the good cause; & his blunder will be set down as an 
 excess of virtue, as unlimited patriotism which neither 
 law nor gospel could circumscribe. 
 
 " Why, sir, any man who refuses to volunteer in 
 such times as these is already guilty of treason. ITe 
 ought to be wiling to shed the last drop of his blood 
 <t the blood of all his friends <fc relations, neighbors, <fc 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 93 
 
 0011 ntry men for the cause of our glorious party, & 
 throw in his mother ct grandmother into the bar^^ain. I 
 say it, sir, in terrible earnestness; I say it with flaming 
 eyes, with glowing cheeks, & with a tremendous voice. 
 
 " A man once asked why I did not volunteer, myself. 
 Nobody but a copperhead would ask such a question as 
 that of a true patriot like me. I denounced him at the 
 first military station for aiding & abetting the enemy. 
 He was arrested & sent off to prison at once. 
 
 " Feller-citizens, my country is all <fc everything to 
 me, asleep or awake, dead or alive. I think of my 
 country, I dream of my country, I speak for my coun- 
 try', I dwell on my country, & I live on my country.'^ 
 
 When I red the above butiful sentiments, I wundurd 
 wether the orritor was only a hooman or an angle in 
 the hooman form. 
 
 As for arteemass, he was filled so full of patrottisni 
 that he could enermost tetch it when he poked his 
 fingger down hiz throte. He w^as for going rite orf & 
 jining the home guard, so as 2 be near by, whare he 
 could attend to his kuntry & his wax figgurs both at 
 onct. 
 
 But arfture enkwiring \vhat wajiz they give two a 
 volunteer, & finding that he could make more by his 
 wax figgers, he felt that he could knot kornshienshusly 
 lecve the wife of his boozum & his pare of twins 2 go 
 2 the n-ar. 
 
94 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 " Ef I should get kilt," scz arteeiliass, with tears 
 into his eyes; "I should be obleegcd 2 leave Betsey 
 ami 2 the kold charrottey of the onfecling world, & why 
 should I go more than anuther? There's a plenty of 
 ll'luros what has know ties 2 bind nm 2 the earth, &, 
 besides, twelve dollars a week & living onto hard tack 
 & salt boss air outragius at my time of life." 
 
 As for me, I lade the matter ■be4 the wimmins Rites 
 Society, & the President, boo air a Millerite & niity 
 into the Skripturs, sed that the law of Moses aloud a 
 noo-marrid man 2 stop at home from the war 1 yeer Sz 
 kumfort his wife. 
 
 I tolled bur we had been marrid more than 1 year; 
 but she ansurd & sed that, in the Skriptur, one day 
 stood- for a yeer ; thare4, arteemass could stay at home 
 3G5 of our yeers with the feemaiJ hoo he had took two 
 his hart. 
 
 That sattisfied my kornshunz ontirely ; as for artee- 
 mass, the hard tack & salt hoss sattisfide his'n, & so we 
 was both sattisfide. 
 
nun BOOK OF gox\ks. 05 
 
 AUTHORSHIP. 
 
 The s(|iiare sez thare air 2 kinds of authors — 1 rights 
 for Fame, & the tother rights for miinny, which it is 
 their weigh of jerking out a lively Hood. 
 
 It air about ate yeer aggo, when avteemass sez 2 me, 
 sez he : 
 
 " Betsey Jane, bone of my bone & flesh of my 
 flesh." 
 
 Sez I: "whatr 
 
 Sez arteemass : "I've had it into my head a long 
 time, an idee that will astonish the natyves & make me 
 immortal, & you will be proud to call yourself my 
 wife." 
 
 " Sling it out, arteemass," sez I ; " <fe don't go for 2 
 being dubus, for yu no I cant bare long speeches as 
 sounds grand, but sinnifies nothing, like the pote 
 Ocean sez, when a thousand ghostesses, hollurs like 
 thunder on the hollow wind." 
 
 "Yure obsarvation is 2 the pint," sez he; " yu kote 
 the pote, v.hilst I'm thinking of righting prose." 
 
C)Q BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 " Yii old fool," sez I ; " yu'd Letter stick to yure 
 betistesses & your wax figgurs, & leaf prose 2 them 
 that's got good laniiiig." 
 
 " Why not me right as well as others ?" sez he ; 
 " I've got a mind, & I no how 2 'spress it 2. I will 
 right a book, Betsey Jane, & yu'll tell me then what 
 yu think of it." 
 
 " Arteemass !" sez I, & I fixt my purcing gaze onto 
 his kowntinnunz; "mark my words, & don't yu fuggit 
 um the longest day yu hcv 2 live : ef yu right a book 
 I'll right one two, for what is sauce for the guse air 
 sauce for the gander." 
 
 Sez he : Yu'd better lam yure mother tung be4 yu 
 talk about righting a book." 
 
 " Ditto," sez I. 
 
 " Ef I thawt yu'd right a book, I wouldn't hev iny- 
 thing 2 doo with it," sez he. 
 
 That's jist what I wanted. Hoo would stir up the 
 beastesses &; explane the wax figgurs 2 visitors whilst 
 he was righting his book, &, in coarse, noboddy would 
 by a book that was rit by him. So I was very glad 
 thalt I had put him orf the notion ef it. 
 
 But the fust I node, he fotch me a noosepaper, called 
 the Marquery, into whitch he had put a peace & sined 
 his name 2 it. 
 
 I red the peace be4 I slept that nite, &; I found that 
 arfture awl, it was not so bad as it mite hev been, cs- 
 
Artemas and Betsey Jane before Marriage. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 97 
 
 peshally as it spoke hily of the wife of his boozim 
 whitch air myself, Mrs. Betsy Jane Ward. I didn't 
 find but 1 word spelt rong & that word was bought 
 whitch it ortto been spelt thus — 2 whit : baivt. 
 
 But that air a very different thing from a book. They 
 air as much differunz as a pertater patch & a larje farm. 
 
 It must take a pesky good righter 2 right a big book, 
 thare air so minny words into it; but inny body can 
 right a short peace for the noosepapers. But arteemass 
 were alius pretty strong in the rist & in the finggers, 
 or he'd never been abel 2 right them 2 volums, whitch 
 air got his name put onto um. 
 
 When them books come out & was printed in sitch 
 good stile, I was so mutch astonisht that I run & put 
 on my black silk rite orf, for I was ashamed to be seen 
 in my dimmitty pettykote & short gound, seeing I was 
 the wife of a grate author. 
 
 I kalkerlated that arteemas would be 2 proud 2 speak 
 2 me ; & then the idee come into my hed that ef I rit 
 a book 2, I should be as good as he was ; & I node that 
 ef he could doo it, I could doo the same ; for there's 
 nothing arteemass can doo that I can't doo, whitch it is 
 natchural as I am his better hafF. 
 
 Ware4, it is 2 them kornsiderations that the reeder 
 air indetted for this book, which it will hand down my 
 name with arteemass, to suck a ceding jinurashuns, & 
 proqure me the frendship of the grate righters of the 
 
98 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 clay — 2 whit : Miss Anny Sterings, ^Miss Fern, LaJy 
 Maria Childs, Miss Herrings the pote, Lizzy Cook, 
 Miss Bronte, &; awl them air big righters. 
 
 Somebody must be found that wants 2 by the wax 
 figgurs & kangaroo, for now that artcemass hev got 
 ftime, & the wife of his boozim air following in the 
 footsteps of hur illustrious prcducessor, the sho must 
 be soled out instanture. 
 
nUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 99 
 
 THE HIGHER LAW. 
 
 Every 1 of the progresives of the present day hev 
 got the hire law, which it sooperceeds awl other laws 
 jist as the clouds air above the earth, or the head is 
 hire than the feet. 
 
 The kornservatiffs may talk about the laws & kornsti- 
 tutions that was made by our 4 fathers, till the crows 
 comes for um, but what does awl that sinnify when 
 we've got a hire law that puts um awl down ? 
 
 The square found out the tother day, that I parsed a 
 kownturfit 10 scent stamp orf onto him, by weigh of 
 change for half a dollar, & he arsked me ef I didn't no 
 it air agin the law. 
 
 Sez I : " Square, look a hear ; don't tell me inny- 
 thing about yure laws; they'll doo well enuff when We 
 hev nothing better, as the deeking sed when he used the 
 pot-kivver for an umbrella ; but, I've a hire law into 
 my brest that tells me ef I can permole the kaws of 
 science & murallity by parsing orf a kownturfit bill, 
 the end justifize the means." 
 
100 BETSEY JANE WARP 
 
 " Yu're very fortnight 2 hev a hire law, awl 2 vure- 
 self, that sooperseeda the Laws of the land," se'z the 
 square ; "but, suppose my hire law tells me that yure 
 wax fiercurs air a noosinsc, & I smash 'em awl two 
 peaces, will yu exquse me for doing on it, seeing that I 
 only obey my hire law f 
 
 " Sich a hire law as that is agin awl rezin," sez I ; 
 " & I allow that ef you smash these wax figgurs, yu'll 
 hev two come down hansum, square." 
 
 " But boo is 2 judge betwixt my hire law & yuren?" 
 sez the square. 
 
 " Oh ! ril judge by my own hire law," sez I. 
 
 " Of coarse, ef we go two the hire law," sez the 
 square ; " every 1 must judge for hisself, by his own 
 hire law, &, in that case, they can be know laws or 
 kornstistution for the kuntry, sense every 1 can oppeel 
 to his hire law, & set asighed the judgment of the Soo- 
 peream Court itself. A hire law may guvvun an 
 individooal in his own privit affares, but it cant guvvun 
 the kormunity bekaws it isn't rit down no-whares,'<fe 
 yu cant rede the hart of another. It would doo know 
 good ef yu could, sense each man would hev his own 
 hire law. Thare4, inyboddy that undertakes to con- 
 nect the idee of a hire law with government is an im- 
 poster or a fool. As soon as you* talk of being 
 govvund by your hire law, yu set asighed awl visible 
 rulers, courts, laws & kornstitutions. Know 1 has a 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 101 
 
 rite two take part in the government leastwise he 
 acknolidges the law of the land 2 be euppreme into the 
 government." 
 
 " Now, square," sez I ; " what hev awl that lojick 2 
 do with that 10 scent stamp f 
 
 " Jist this," sez he ; " the law fawbids yu two parse 
 bad munny, & yu say that yu'U doo it, bekaws yure 
 hire law air above the law of the land." 
 
 " I'd nothing 2 doo with making the law of the land," 
 sez I ; " I never went 2 the poles and voted ; into my 
 life, <fe so I've nothing to doo with laws that air maid 
 by other peple." 
 
 " But, prehaps, yu've inflouensed arteemass & advised 
 him how to vote," sez the square. 
 
 " Yes, sir-ee !" sez I ; " I should like 2 see arteemass 
 vote a tickit be4he'd shode it to me & got my kornsent. 
 It's important two the little hare he's got left onto his 
 head that he never votes korntrary to my advice. Yu 
 may bet yure life on it." 
 
 " Mrs. Ward," sez he ; "I am so much penetrayted 
 with the logical structure of your mind, & the fairness 
 of your proceeedings, that yu air hartily welcome to the 
 10 scents which yu hev kabbidge from me. Ef yure 
 arguments kornvince nobody else, they air doubtless un- 
 ansurable two yourself, & that air the mane pint. I 
 trust that wile yure hire law purmits you two parse orf 
 
102 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 bad bills onto others, it will knot permit yu two re- 
 seeve them from others." 
 
 " Ditto !" sez I, & that was into him. He clawed 
 orf, & I guess he'll never ondertake two argufy with 
 Betsy Jane Ward agin. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 103 
 
 THE BEGGAR. 
 
 1 winter night, when arteemass & me was setting 
 snug & warm be4 a grate blazing fire, with wannuts <k 
 sider onto the lite-stand, wc were disturbed onto our 
 varchuous soUituted, by a faint rap at the door. 
 
 Fust on I thought it were sperrits, & eggspected 2 get 
 a communication from some dear departed. 
 
 Arteemass opened the door, & we seed a feemail in 
 a old tattured cloke & without know bunnit onto her 
 head. Arteemass were filled with varchuous indigna- 
 tion & I arsked hur what she wanted, in commanding 
 tones sootibul to the awkashun. 
 
 " I live in the little shanty over the hill,"" sez she; 
 *' &; we've got nary a stick of wood in the house, gnaw 
 a bit of bread for my dawter, hoo air sick of the koni- 
 sumption." 
 
 "Tho shiftless crittur!" sez I, "shut 2 the door, im- 
 mediately. To think of a crittur of that sort ventur- 
 ing 2 disturb the varchuous repose of 2 sitch turcle 
 doves as me & arteemass. 
 
 "For pity's sake, as yu air a woman," sez she; 
 
104 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 " hev mercy on a destitute mother hoo has nothing to 
 give her dying dawter." 
 
 "Nothing to give," sez I; " yes, I'll give yu good ad- 
 vice, whitch it is worth more than munny, & a tract 
 published by the Famail Morrill Keform Society 
 "which air worth its wait in goold." 
 
 So I tosted hur the tract & advised Imr 2 go two 
 work & get a honest living, & then arteemass shet the 
 door in hur face. 
 
 It's a abiding noosince that peple of those indignant 
 condition should introod onto 1 hoo, like me, has know 
 time 2 attend 2 sich komplaynts on akkount that I'm a 
 member of 13 fdanthropists societies, for improving 
 the condition of the human family, & hev petitioned 
 for O'J laws for the soopresshun of all the vices 2 which 
 human nachur air interdicted. Besides awl that, I've 
 gove more good advice 2 those indignant, shiiHess 
 critters than inny other femail in the kountry. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 105 
 
 THE MARTYR. 
 
 The reader ought 2 no by this time thet I'm a mem- 
 ber of all the filanthropy societies as I hev tolled him 
 orfin enuff of that important fackt. 
 
 We've had a marture into our sosiety for aggressive 
 missons. 
 
 The dooty of that sosiety is to hunt up peple thet 
 hev got a hole into their kotes. [This air a figgur of 
 speech & means that there's some fault into um.] & 2 
 eggspose the same, so that they may be hunted out of 
 the villidge, or parsecuted akawding two law. 
 
 The martur's name was Andrew Fish, and he made 
 it a pint 2 go around arftur dark & peek into folks 
 winders, to see ef there was anything rong going on 
 into their housen. Sometimes, he got a chance to shy 
 into an entry, & there he could lissen at the door <fe 
 peek throo the kee-hole. In that weigh, he found out a 
 grate minny things that was going on into the villidge, 
 & made himself very yuceful 2 the sosiety, into his 
 day & jinerashun. 
 
106 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 1 nite when he was going parst the squire's house, he 
 preseeved that a lite streeked out from the front win- 
 ders, & then he node somebody was up, as it were 
 parst leven o'clock, which our sosiety had resolved and 
 parst by an overwhurlmen midgority, it was 2 late for 
 yung peple 2 set up tuggether. 
 
 Andrew clum up onto the moldings outsighed the 
 house, & found that he could see into the rheum whare 
 1 corner of the curting was turned up. He was struck 
 with varchuous indignation when he seed the Square's 
 dawter Harriet setting into 1 corner of the fire place & 
 Bill Shute, the young docktur, setting into tother cor- 
 ner. 
 
 He node that ef they sot up so late tuggether it was 
 very improper, for our sosiety hev parsed 41 resolutions 
 agin midnight coarting. 
 
 Andrew held onto the blinds till his hands aked, that 
 he might fulfil his aggressive dooties by seeing awl he 
 could. There they sot talking two each other without 
 blushing or seeming in the leastest bit ashamed of such 
 kornduct. 
 
 A week arfture that, Shute marrid Harriet, & Andrew 
 tolled the Sosiety what he saw, a tour fust meeting af- 
 terwards. 
 
 Now, when they got marrid, everybody was sayne 
 that Bill Shute was a very fine yung man, <fe that the 
 Square's dawter had maid a very good mach. So, we 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 107 
 
 * 
 
 thawt it was hi time 2 let the peple of the villidge no 
 what we thought of the pare of them. It was a 
 nessessery dooty that we ode 2 the publick. So we 
 parst the followering resolutions : 
 
 Resolved — That the Society for Aggressive Missions 
 has a grate dooty to perform to the publick — to hunt 
 up evil wherever it is to be found — to cry aloud & 
 spare not — & to expose all ill-doings, except that we 
 are not to expose each other, lest it should hurt the use- 
 fulness of the body, & bring reproach upon the society. 
 
 Resolved — This society is the elite of the country, 
 the cream of the community, & we ought to be very 
 thankful that we have been preserved from the sins, the 
 errors, & short-comings of those sinners who surround 
 us one every side, & are, therefore duly qualified, to ex- 
 pose & bring to judgment all offenders against virtue & 
 godliness. 
 
 Resolved — That the thanks of this society are due to 
 Mr. Andrew Fish for exposing the sins, the errors, & 
 general condition of many individuals in this commu- 
 nity, & more especially for the discovery of the heinous 
 offence committed by one William Shute & one 
 Harriet W , both of this village. 
 
 Resolved — That our eminently aggressive brother, 
 Mr. Andrew Fish, be appointed, on the first convenient 
 occasion, to make a public speech, in the town hall or 
 elsewhere, against night courting, & that he take occar 
 
108 BETSEY JANE WAftD • 
 
 sion in that speech, to hold up Harriet W & Wil- 
 liam Shute to the condemnation of the public, in order 
 that nobody may employ Dr. Shute hereafter & that 
 no respectable lady may associate with his wife." 
 
 After these resolutions was parst unannymusly, we 
 ajurnt ; & Andrew rit out his speach. He brought it 
 into the tent & red it 2 me & arteemass, & arsked us 
 ef we ever hearn such a severe kastugation what he 
 gove to Shute & his wife. Then he carrid his speech 2 
 a grate minny others & red it two um, & they sed it 
 was butiful, & arsked him 2 speek it rite orf. 
 
 A week afterwards, there was a town meeting two 
 kornsidder about the town poor hoo had been soled 
 twist <fe nobody wanted um. 
 
 Arfture the bizness was over, Andrew Fish got up & 
 delivurd his speech agin nite coarting, & the weigh he 
 put the licks into Dr. Shute <fe Harriet was very amooz- 
 ing 2 awl varchuous hearers. 
 
 He telled the peple, rite out strait, that Harriet want 
 know better than she should be, or she never wonld hev 
 been scene setting up till leven okklok with sich a fel- 
 ure as Bill Shute, hoo goes 2 the theatre, & was scene 
 into a bar-room tossing orf a glass of wisky punch, last 
 Noo Year's day. 
 
 Everybody was glad two hear Harriet put down, as 
 she's a stuck-up thing, & refused 2 sine a pettition for 
 sending 10,000 Moral Reform tracks 2 New Zealand. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 
 
 109 
 
 So every one present clapt & stompt <fe gove 3 cheers 
 as loud as they could hoUur. 
 
 Arfture that, Andrew Fish was hily thawt onto by 
 our sosiety ; but he was maid a martur of. Arfture 
 dooing so much good and shoing so much varchuous in- 
 dignation, he was crewily attacked onto the highway, 
 betwixt the red skool-house, and John Barney's shoe- 
 maker's shop. 
 
 He was on the way two the orfiss of the Bugle Horn 
 of Liberty two get his grate speech printed into that 
 paper, when he met Bill Shute, & that unskroppolus in- 
 dividooal stopt <fe arsked him ef his name was Fish. 
 
 " Yes," sez he, " my name air Fish ; but I doant 
 want nothing two say to inny sich as yu." 
 
 " Why ?" sez Shute. 
 
 " Bekaws yu're a sinner," sez Andrew, " I doant keep 
 kumpany with sinners." 
 
 " It air yu, I take it, hoo traduced my wife at the 
 town meeting, & slandurd me," sez Shute. 
 
 "I tolled the hull truth about yu from a cents of 
 dooty," sez Andrew. 
 
 " Well, then, I hev my cents of dooty two," sez 
 Shute, & he gove Andrew about 20 cuts with his riding 
 whip over the legs & back. Ef Andrew hadn't run & 
 got aweigh from him, I railly bleeve that Shute would 
 hev cut awl the klose orf his back. 
 
 Andrew come rite down 2 the tent, & arteemass let 
 
110 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 him see the wax figgurs for 10 scents, bekaws he was 
 a marture in the kaws of aggression. 
 
 We went rite up two the Bugle & put in a call for a 
 meeting of the Sosiety for aggressive missions, stating 
 that important biznis was two come be4 it. 
 
 We held the meeting that very nite, &; parsed a reso- 
 lution that Andrew Fish was a marture, & that peple 
 hoo hev a cawl for aggressive missions hev a parfeckt 
 rite two say & doo jist what they pleas, &; it is the doo- 
 ty of every one two sufTur pashently whatever aggres- 
 sive mazhurs air put in force agin um. But it were 
 thought best to say nothing about Shute & Harriet in 
 our resolutions, as 1 marture air glory enufF for 1 So- 
 siety. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. m 
 
 MRS. WARD AS A POET. 
 
 1 spell there was a great deal of talk, into Baldins- 
 ville, about Miss Betsey Clark, which she wrote some 
 varses, & the squire sed they was fust rate, & some of 
 the yungsturs into the villidge had um printed onto 
 their arms with injee ink. 
 
 Arteemass he spoke in favor of the critter, & sed she 
 was the smartest feemail into the kuntry, & that he 
 would giv his best wax figgur ef he had a wife which 
 could right sich varses. 
 
 When I hearn of arteemass sayne thet, I was riled 
 2 thet degree thet I was intarmind 2 show him I could 
 perduce something fine, 2, in the weigh of poetness. 
 
 I put on my black silk & clean white stockings, &; 
 fixed my hare up butiful, & went into the best rheum 
 & soddown 2 the little myhoginy table & rote as fol- 
 lowers : 
 
 " How dutli the little bizzy B 
 improve each shining our 
 and gatliur liunny every day 
 from every opening flour. 
 
 I would be bizzy 2, 
 
 in works of labor or of skill 
 
 for Satan finds some miss chief still 
 
 for idol bands two do." 
 
112 BETSEY J.VXE WARD 
 
 Arflure I had rit this poetness <fe koppid it orf nice, 
 I stuck it up with a pin over the mantel-piece into the 
 best rheum. 
 
 Arteemass ketched sight of it onto that same arfture- 
 noon, & wanted 2 no hoo put that pome up over the 
 mantuel-piece. 
 
 I gove him a purcing look, & he sed : " It was you 
 — I no it was. I'll bet my boy constructor of it, or 
 my tiger, or inny 5 of my mnnkies." 
 
 " Well, yes, I rote it, arteemass ;" sez I ; " <fc now 
 let me heerknow more about Betsy Clark & hur poet- 
 ness. When a man of yure aje & eksperunse goes 2 
 praising a good-for-nothing slip of a gurl like hur, & 
 the wife of his boozim at home nussin a pare of twins, 
 it's time for hur 2 show him that she can doo some- 
 thing as well as the tother." 
 
 Arteemass red the peace over & over as ef he was 
 trying 2 get it by hart, & then he sed it was horrid 
 pritty, & he'd know idee thet I could rite like thet, 
 which it was ekally as good as inythiiig he had seen of 
 lately, & he wisht there was a pote into the house that 
 he mite sho it two him. 
 
 He soddown & koppid it orf in red ink with butiful 
 flurrishes awl around it, & a picktur of his kangaroo 
 over the top. He lent it out 2 the naburs, hoo 
 admired the piece verry much, till 1 day arteemass was 
 reding a book, & sed the verry same words was into 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 113 
 
 the book which was into my peaee, only that there was 
 big letters at the end of all the lines. 
 
 Then I was riled mourn ever. What rite had artee- 
 mass 2 be peeking round into books ? His spear air 
 wax figgurs & kangaroos, & sech. But he was alius 
 willing two doo innything 2 vex hur that he had took 
 2 his hart, & two doo everything 2 exonerate the wife 
 of his boozim. 
 
 Those disposition air not kalkulated two make the 
 mirage relation happy, which it should be his dooty 2 
 obey his lawful wife, & knot 2 find folt with her poet- 
 ness. 
 
114 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 A NEW MOVEMENT. 
 
 BiZNESS was getting 2 be rather how come yu so, & 
 the visitunts at the sho was as few & far between as an- 
 gles visits & grumbled at 15 scents at that, though the 
 wax figgur of G. Washington aloan air worth twist the 
 munny. 
 
 We got so, at larst, that we could scurcely earn our 
 daily peck, & something must be done, which arteemass 
 had a foo hundreds stode aweigh into a kupple of old 
 storkings that hung up in the garret & pot klosit, but 
 that was for use into our old aje & a rayny day. 
 
 Whilst we was deploying what were best two doo, 
 we had a visetation from Decking Screwmouth, for the 
 47th time, two try two indoose us two gine the Meet- 
 ing House. 
 
 He tolled us that northing helpt along a man like a 
 profession of relijun, & that ef we would jine the Meet- 
 ing House, he'd know manner of dowt that our pros- 
 pects in life would look up, like the end of a .plank 
 when a boy got onto the other cend. 
 
 Arteemass was konsiderable orfish at fust, as his ge- 
 nus never lade into that direction ; but fincUy he korn- 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 115 
 
 kluded that something must be done for the exhibtion, 
 & ef the jining of the Meeting House would railly be 
 useful 2 the sho biznes, he'd better go in. 
 
 So he tolled the Decking that he'd try relijun a 
 little while, & see what would be the effect on the wax 
 figgurs ; he'd take it on trial awhile, & ef it pade in 
 the way of bizness, he'd keep on. 
 
 The Decking shook hands onto it, & was grate friends 
 with arteemass, which he called him " Brother Ward,'* 
 & the nixt time arteemas went up to his store, the 
 Decking gove him his blessing <fe a qwater of a pound 
 of cheese. 
 
 So arteemas <k me begun two go two the Meeting 
 House every Sunday, & the Decking sot us on a seet 
 klose to the pulpit, for two exibit his noo konvarts jist 
 as we exibited our wax figgurs. 
 
 Some ornery cusses thet sot onto the back sects larft 
 at arteemas & pinted their fingers at him, but he node 
 efit maid the sho bizness better, he'd hev the larft 
 unto um. 
 
 So arteemass & me sot neer the pulpit, & looked 
 very solium, & now & then, arteemass rolled up the 
 whites of his ize jist as the Decking did, &; he'd know 
 dowt it would bring a plenty of costomers two the sho, 
 as the Decking had tolled him. 
 
 We went on this way for about 3 months, when ar- 
 teemass consayted that it was a doing know good what- 
 
IIQ BETSEY JANE "WARD 
 
 somever. None of the members ever come two the 
 sho, & the bizness groo wuss & wuss. 
 
 Then arteemass got his dandur up & he talked two 
 the Deeking like a Dutch father-in-law, &; arsked the 
 Square ef he couldn't soo him under false pretences, as 
 he had put him two the trubble of going to Meeting, 
 every Sunday & putting on a clean biled rag onct a 
 week, into the hope it would keep the sho ; but it 
 haddend brought a scent into arteemass's pocket. 
 
 The Square was rather dubris, & arteemass per- 
 seeved he'd been took in & .left the Meeting House in 
 disgust. 
 
nUR BOOK OF GOAKS. in 
 
 THE FUNERAL. 
 
 It was in the larst part of May that Friny Johnson 
 ■ — cuzzing two arteemass — parted this life, heving lived 
 2 the aje of 50 yeers & never done iny harm two iny- 
 body. 
 
 She beekwheethed two arteemass & me, a bag of • 
 check apuns, a file of the Friend of Virtue, a gimlet & 
 hammer, haff of a han-saw, two bunnits, & 50 dollars 
 in Nichol scents. 
 
 Akawdingly, arteemass put a black krape onto his 
 hat, & anuther 1 onto the waxfiggur of G. Washington? 
 in respekt for the deer departed. 
 
 I put on my black silk «fe wore it to the funerawl. 
 
 The deer departed lived about 7 mild from the 
 villidge, & we was obleeged to go into a wagging. 
 When we got thare, we found thare was know ministur 
 to doo the preying. 
 
 The square pulled out a Common Prayer, <fe was 
 going two rede it, but thet want aloud, for ant Friny 
 was of the Purittan descent, & the lady was 1 of hoM* 
 antcestus which flung the 3 legged stol ;it the par- 
 
118 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 son for intradoosing the english sarviss into the Kirk of 
 ScotJanr?. 
 
 Hear was a nonplush, & we didn't no what two doo, 
 till Miss Prim obsarved that arteemass was hur rela- 
 tion, & was a man of hi standing, & he'd better say a 
 foo words onto the okkazhun. 
 
 Tharefore, arteemass took orf his hat, & stood up, & 
 addressed the kumpinny as followers : 
 
 " Feller-citizens : — Awltho I'm knot accustomed 
 two public speaking, which it air my fort two exibit 
 wax figgurs, kangaroos, tygers, lyons, & munkies — 
 price 15 cents; children half price; yet as I'm called 
 upon in this yere purmiskus weigh, two doo the sere- 
 monies for our diseased sister what was jist 50 yeers <fe 
 14 days old, thet is cut down into the flour of her life, 
 which it ought to be a warning two awl them thet air 
 in thare yung days, how they spend thare time going 
 to halls, theayturs, & other vannities when they might 
 attend the grate morrill exibition of the wax figgurs 
 which air a grate saving of time & munny. 
 
 " I hope this highly respected corpse wi-ll be a warn- 
 ing two awi them thet is going astray in the way of 
 Balaam, which it air said his ass spoke with the voice 
 of a man, & it air the most remarkablest thing ever 
 none. I've been engajed in the sho bizniss more yeers 
 than some of yu is yeers old, & of awl the crittars that 
 Pve scene from awl parts of the world, monkies, 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 119 
 
 zebras, kangaroos, gireffs, guinee hens, turkey-buzzards, 
 & boy constructors, I've never seed iny thing ekal 2 
 the ass that spoke two Balaam. Ef I had thet critter 
 in my collection, I could raze the price of admisshun 
 two 40 scents to-morror. 
 
 *'Thare4, I hope yu'll awl take warning of yure 
 weighs from this respectful corpse, which never did 
 know harm into its hull life, as it lays there breathing 
 its last which it will be took up to heaven in the judg- 
 ment day. 
 
 " The time is now for every 1 two kornsidder the 
 shortness of human life, how a man grows up like a 
 punkin-vine, when awl, of a suddent the syth of death 
 cuts him down like the flours of Paradise." 
 
 " In kornsidderation that the deer departed hev left 
 the undesigned 50 dollars in Nichol scents, awl these 
 congregation thet hev grettifide hur by coming to hur 
 funerawl, may visit the sho, wax figgurs & awl, onct 
 apeace, for 10 scents, which it air five scents took orf 
 in respect to the dear diseased." 
 
 Arfture this butiful lojum onto the deer departed was 
 spoke by arteemass, everybody come to look at the 
 corpse. 
 
 Miss Prim spoke butiful, & sed that she had come 
 like a thief in the night, & parsed away with the 
 vapors. 
 
 Miss Dorothy Gooding that keeps the candy empo- 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 121 
 
 THE HUNGARIAN PATRIOT. 
 
 A GREAT many yeers hev parsed into the gulp of 
 oblivyun, sense the grate soger of the Hungryarians, 
 Mister Kossith, was into this kuntry. 
 
 I can remember it as well as ef it was only yister- 
 day, Everyboddy was kontriving some weigh to doo 
 him onur. Some peple got their hats maid arfture the 
 pattent that he wore, some run arfture him two giv 
 him munny, &; he paid for it in speeches & patrutism. 
 
 Arteemass didn't no what two doo about it. He 
 seen it was his dooty 2 sho his respeckts 2 the big 
 Hungryarian in some weigh, but then he was all-fired 
 afeard of him, he was sich a monstrashus big jentleman. 
 Into comparison with other grate men, he was a ellcr- 
 funt compared 2 a fox. 
 
 At larst w^e hearn that Kossith was going throo the 
 town whare we were exibiting our sho, & arteemass 
 sent for me 2 come rite aweigh & insult with him 
 about what was best 2 be done. 
 
 Arfter weed koggitayted awl the arfturenoon, w^e sot 
 
122 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 down twogetber & rit 2 this grate Hungryarian th# 
 folio wering notice : 
 
 " Most holt Man ! O ! King ! live forever f 
 The 2 undesined being man & wife, of the town of 
 Baldinsville, near Hull ; bow down with their noses in 
 the dust, Ostrich-fashion, ^ with loud akklaim cry to 
 thee, dread sovereign, & hope the onpardunable crime 
 is knot committed ef they persoom two kiss yure 
 august <fe sakkred feet. Into the meen time, they send 
 an invite to yu two attend the sho free graytic, wax 
 figgurs & awl. For perticulars see small bills of the — 
 day — price to all others 15 cents ; children half price. 
 
 Arteemas Ward. 
 Betsey Jane Ward. 
 
 Arftur this was scent 2 Kossith, arteemass had it rit 
 orf in letters of gould & put into a frame & hung up 
 into the sho, & it did the bizness a gray deel of good, 
 as minny peple come to see this letter which they 
 wouldn't hev come two see inny thing else in the tent. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 123 
 
 RETRIBUTION. 
 
 Our sho had got so much notorosity that some others 
 into the sho bizness tried two do us awl the harm they 
 could. 1 Hiram Burch put a piece into the Eagle of 
 Freedom at Smootfield running down arteemass's sho, 
 & kornkluding that his wax figgurs was a ridiculus set 
 of imidges that lookt like nobody from Judus Scariott 
 to the Duke of Wellin^jton. 
 
 Arteemas soddown & rit a butiful letter two the 
 Eagle on the subject, but it was never took no notiss of, 
 & then arteemass went to the square to insult him 
 about sooing Hiram Burch for defumation of character. 
 
 The square thought there couldn't be a gray deel 
 made out of it, as it would be a civil soot. Arteemass 
 arsked him why he couldn't make it an oncivil soot, 
 but the squire sed it was know use to do inything 
 about it as arteemass had spoke agin Burch's sho too. 
 
 About two weaks arftur that Hiram Burch was ridinsf 
 into a slay, when it oversot and broke his arm. 
 
124 BETSEY JAKE WARD 
 
 Arteemass was so glad to hcer on it that he run into 
 the house <fe drank a hull pint of corn whisky. He 
 seen it was a jujement onto the critter for running 
 down his wax figgurs. 
 
 There was another man into the slay called Toby, & 
 he had run down the wax figgurs as bad as Burch. 
 Tiiere come very near being a jujement onto him 2, for 
 he fell within 2 inches of a sharp stake that would hev 
 gone clean through him, ef he'd fell a little further 
 forrid. 
 
 This larst jujement didn't come orf awl threw an 
 aksident, but ef Toby had gone 2 inches further that 
 would hev been a jujement. Know doubt it was in- 
 tended 2 be a jujement unto him two, but the slay give 
 a sort of twirl when it oversot & threw Toby 2 much 
 2 1 sighed, & so the jujement on Toby was prevented 
 by this yeer aksident. 
 
nUR- BOOK OF GO^VKS. 125 
 
 ASTEONOMY. 
 
 The varyus weighs tliet peple contrives two get a 
 living is a wonder two innybody that hev good strong 
 horse sense, & thinks of it in a fellowsofic pint of view. 
 
 There's a case happcnt necr us 1 wintur that is dis- 
 tressin, & there ought 2 be a law 2 puddown awl sich 
 exibitions. 
 
 A felure called Smith come into Baldinsville with his 
 sellestial globes, & his laminations & pickturs of awl 
 sorts two larn the peple asstronimy, & ef he got away 
 five peple from our sho, he got away fifty, & prehaps a 
 hundred. 
 
 - The square's dawters, Miss Hopkin's sister, & heeps 
 of other feemails went 2 heer this asstronimy man, & 
 pade 25 scents, when they might hev seen the wax fig- 
 gurs for 15 cents. 
 
 Smith sent a free parse 2 arteemass & me, but we 
 wouldn't hev notting 2 do with him or his leckturs, we'd 
 hearn cnuff about um from the nabors. Miss Persons 
 
120 BETSEY JANEWAED 
 
 that went two 1 of um tolled me that he was crazy, & 
 had awl sorts of strange notions, sich as know body 
 ever hearn tell of be4. 
 
 He sed the world, this yere same world that we live 
 onto was as round as a bawl. When Miss Persons 
 hearn him say that she got rite up <fe left the sallurey 
 for she is a sponsible woman <k is related 2 the Batts, 
 which they air the greatest fokes in Smootsville, & she 
 wouldn't set there 2 iukurridge a man into telling sich 
 lyes 2 the rising jinerashun of Baldinsville, which aut 
 2 remember their Greatur in the days of their yuth. 
 
 Then gurls would be afeared to go to meeting, or 2 
 skool, or to inywhere else, for fear they would slip orf 
 of the world, ef he could make um beleeve it were 
 round. What would become of awl the cattle ? How 
 could they clime up the sides 1 The peple underneath 
 us would fall orf head-foremost, & whare would theygo 
 twol 
 
 He talked about the sun & the stars having peple 
 onto um, & housen & churches, like this yere airth ! 
 
 That air anuther lye, for the sun & the moon & the 
 stars was maid 2 giv light to this airth, <fe that's awl 
 they Was ever intended for. 
 
 Its strange how ignorant some peple air. There was 
 mourn 70 or 80 peple that sot there & let them stuff 
 sich nonsense down their gizzurds & they bleeved every 
 word of it jist as much as ef me or arteemass had been 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 127 
 
 telling um about the kangaroo & the other wiU 
 beastesses in the sho. 
 
 What does peple want two no about them lites up in 
 the clouds, the moon & stars & sich ? Suppose there 
 was peple onto um, what good would that doo two us ? 
 They don't come under the Constitution of the United 
 States, & ef they node we was tawking about um they 
 mite thro down stones & sich onto us, & we hev know 
 weigh 2 sew um for dammijis. There's know police- 
 man could clime up there two arrest um. 
 
 Arteemass thinks he ought two be interdicted for get- 
 ting munny under false pretences, leastwise he can 
 prove to the court thet them peple's onto them plannets 
 that he talks about. 
 
128 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 A CITY GIRL. 
 
 1 bleeve 1 haff of the sitty foks air non compass 
 meatus. Some on um air the onoreerst peple that air 
 skeercd up inywhere. 
 
 There was a yung gurl come to Baldinsvilie from the 
 sitty two see her aunt. She was rigged out into si eh 
 close as maid her look like a butterfly mourn a hooman 
 crittur, & she never come a neer our sho, though it's 
 only 15 cents — children haff price. 
 
 She was awl the time flying round the fields & pick- 
 ing flours & sich like, & she called um Botany. That 
 riz the dander of the nabors, for they bleeved thatshe 
 must hev come from Botany Bay. 
 
 As soon as we suspicioned hur 2 be escaped froni 
 Botany Bay, we watched hur closer than ever. Then 
 agin we korncluded she want rite in hur Intellectual 
 for when she went into a meddur wharo there was 
 heeps of yallur flours, she held up her hands & maid a 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 129 
 
 tremenjus fuss over um, & called una drops of goold 
 on a emeruld robe. 
 
 The nabors telled hur she was cleen out there, as 
 them was northing but flours which they was of no 
 more use than the grass, <fe the grass was only fit for 
 feeding the critturs afture it was mowed & dried into hai. 
 
 But they couldn't beat notting into hur ; & she went 
 onto the big rocks & brooks a running over um, <fc 
 praised um like fury, instead of admiring the corn & 
 pertaters which they were grov/ing up finely <fe air 
 good two eat. 
 
 Then she went out with her pencil & paper & drawed 
 an old barrack that was awl in ruins, when she might 
 hev had that nice, tall, new brick house of Doctor 
 Green's to draw, which air the only brick house into 
 the villidge. Then we seen that the cirttur didn't no 
 much. She hadn't much in hur garrit. [This is a fig- 
 gur, & means braines.] But the square's son took a 
 grate fancy 2 hur, which it shode that he was a fool 2, 
 since he mite hev had Mr. Edward's dawter, hoo can 
 doo more house-work than inny gal in Baldinsville, & 
 stands five foot eleven in her storkings, & ways over 
 250 pounds. 
 
 But the yung fokes into these days hev got know 
 scents, like when we was yung, & use to go a kortin^. 
 
 The fust question was arsked them about a gurl was : 
 " IIovv many spoons has she got 1 How many yards 
 
130 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 of cloth can she weeve into a day 1 Has she been 
 brought up into the nurchure & admiration of the 
 Lord & been well spanked when she disobade hur 
 mother ?" 
 
 But awl this has been altard of lately, & they larns 
 two play onto the pyane & run about to bawls & 
 theayturs, & tends leckturs insted of the morrill exi- 
 bition of wax figgurs, which it air for the improve- 
 ment of the rising jineration. 
 
 Finelly, the square's sun was so onkonsidrate as two 
 pop the kwestion two this sitty gurl, & she had the im- 
 perdunz 2 refuse him. Arfture that everybody looked 
 onto hur with disgust, & I dare say she'll dye an old 
 made. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 131 
 
 AN ENTHUSIASTIC FRIEND. 
 
 There's some peple thet don't bleeve in Friendship ; 
 they think it's awl a perteneegot up like a meal o' 
 drammy for the entertainment of them that can't see 
 behind the scenes, & that takes tinsel for goold & red 
 paint for the natteral color of the cheeks. 
 
 But arteemass was never iny of that sort ; he alius 
 bleeved into Friendship, & maid awl the friends he 
 could which it air the dooty of a showman, as his 
 friends will come to the sho. 
 
 1 day arteemass was standing in the door of his tent, 
 when he seen a tall man into a short brown kote com- 
 ing up the rode, & looking at him as ef he ode him 
 something. 
 
 As soon as the felure got opposit two arteemas, he 
 smiled <fe pulled up his hat, & run up to arteemass 
 hoUuring out: 
 
 " My ize don't deceive me ; it air — it air the distin- 
 guished shoman, the grate morill exibitor of wax 
 figgurs & lyons, & monkies, <fe sich !" 
 
132 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 Then he put out his hand, & took holt of artemass's 
 hand & squeezed awl the blood out of it. & smiled agin 
 & bowed & sez : " 1 think it a onur two make yure 
 akwaintance — upon my sole !" 
 
 Artcemass didn't no what 2 say at fust, but the man 
 into the short kote kept on tawking <fe praising of 
 arteemass so steep that he blushed like a red kabbidge 
 & thought he'd found 1 of the biggest friends that ever 
 fell two the lot of frale mortallity, as the poto 
 obsarves. 
 
 Arteemass begun two thaw out pritty fast <fc tolled 
 the stranjer he was glad two see him, & hoped his wife 
 & family was into good helth. 
 
 " Well, I can't say much for that," ansurd the man 
 into the short kote ; " my wife is ruther the wuss for 
 ware with the dipthury & my oldest gurl is down with 
 the small pox, &:, as for the baby, it had simptoms of 
 the kroop when I left home ; but, heering that yu w^as 
 into the nayburhood, I left um awl & hurrid up two 
 take my distinguished frend by the hand. Well, how's 
 times with yu, my good friend 1" 
 
 " Euther ornery." sez arteemass ; " kornsidring. 
 Munny air pesky skurce, & my grate morrill exibition 
 hev been sadly neglected of late ; but I'm into hopes 
 it will look up, about krissmus." 
 
 '* Don't say a word, my dear friend," sez the felure 
 in the short kote. " Ef a few hundreds will be iny use 
 two yu— now I'm knot into the habit of loning out 
 
IIUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 133 
 
 munny ; I've got a snug coinpittunz left me by my 
 late uncle, the Hon. Thomas Weskot, & I meen 2 take 
 keer of it; but vvhare there air an exibition like yourn 
 that ought two be supported at awl hazzuds, & without 
 distinction of party, it's the dooty of awl patriotick in- 
 dividooals 2 doo what they can 2 enkurridge it, and I 
 wouldn't object 2 lone yu some 800 dollars — say, for 1 
 year. I wouldn't offer it 2 yu as a pressent, tho my 
 hart promts me 2 doo so, for I no whet would be the 
 feelinks of a hi-minded jentleman like yu — yu would 
 feel insulted dowtless — espeshally from a stranjur; tho 
 yu air know stranjur 2 yure kuntrymen. Whet sav 
 yu, kind sir, is my offur indellikui? Will yu except 
 the lone of 800 f 
 
 Arteemass jumpt at the chans, for it came in very 
 good time, as he was eggspecting 2 be sood onto the 
 next day for a little akkownt of 150 dollars that he ode 
 2 John Sw[|in the karpentur. 
 
 So he shook hands with the man into the short kote 
 & sez : "How can I repay yu for yure kindness, sur; 
 in so fur as my sho " 
 
 " Not a word, distinguished sur," sez the other ; 
 " I'm going rite over 2 the bank in Smootsville now 2 
 draw out a kornsiderable sum, & I'll stop as I come 
 along back & let yu hev the 800." 
 
 Then Arteemass thanked him agin, and sed, " You 
 air, indeed, a friend in need." 
 
1,'^4 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 The man seemed 2 be into a pesky hurry, & run rite 
 down the rode, as ef he was going two Smootsville, but 
 he haddend got mourn 2 "rod when he stopt awl of a 
 suddent, & seemed to think hafF a minnit ; then he run 
 back 2 Arteemass & sez : 
 
 " I jist remember that I owe the square 50 dollars 
 for mannidging a case for me into the Common Please, 
 & as I'm going rite by his dore, I would prefer 2 stop 
 in & pay him, insted of wating till I come back from 
 the bank. You have'nt that trifle about you, have 
 you r 
 
 "I guess we can raze it," sez arteemass; "iny thing 
 2 obleege so good a friend " 
 
 " Put yourself to' no trubble," sez the man into the 
 short kote. 
 
 " No trubble into the world," sez arteemass, & he 
 went to his box insighed the tent, & scraped out every 
 scent which it come 2 jist 51 dollars and 17 scents. 
 
 "Take it awl," sez arteemass; "I can weight for it 
 till yu come back." 
 
 " Jist so," sez the strangur ; " it'll be hut the vally 
 of hafF an our when I'm heer again." 
 
 The man with the short kote put the munny into his 
 pocket, & scampured down the rode. 
 
 As soon as he was gone, sez I to arteemass : " Know 
 doubt it air a very onest man & a good 1, but yu fug- 
 gut to arsk his name, & now it can't do know harm for 
 
nUli BOOK OF GOAKS. J 35 
 
 yu jist 2 follur him as fur as the big chasenut tree 
 yander, & fix yure eye onto him, & see if he stops at 
 the square's house to pay him that 50 dollurs that 
 yu've let him hev." 
 
 *' That's ridiklus," sez arteemass; " it's very ornery 
 to be spying arfture a good friend like he, <fc dogging 
 his footsteps like a injun." 
 
 " Then I'll go," sez I ; & I run orf without anuther 
 word ; before I'd got as fur as the ehasenut tree, I seen 
 the man turn down the crooked lane that leads into the 
 pine woods. He never went a-neer the square's house. 
 
 Then I begun 2 suspicion him & konkluded that the 
 square wouldn't sie hyde gnaw hare of that munny that 
 arteemass had let him hev. 
 
 Now arteemass air ruther shaky about the intellecto- 
 vals, & he's a poor onprotected orfin without me ; but 
 when he sees a thing as plane as day he believes in it. 
 
 Akawdingly, when I went back <fe telled him that the 
 felure had turned down the lane, arteemass run arfture 
 him at full speed &, on the weigh, he picked up two oth- 
 er men hoo jined into the pursoot. 
 
 The felure turned his hed & seed um coming full 
 split onto his tract, & then he kornjecturd that artee- 
 mass had some dowts of his onesty. He run like a 
 grai hound & would hev got aweigh ef he hadn't slumpt 
 into a kwagmyer. That riled him and he begun two 
 cuss & kept on cussing till arteemass come up & ceased 
 his body. 
 
136 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 Then I arsked 1 of the men to run & bring an 
 offisser. He sinnifide he better cawl the square, & he 
 cawled him. 
 
 When the square come, he sed he sposed the man 
 would like two get out a homine replegiendo. 
 
 I node what the hominy meant, heving et bushels of 
 it with mullasses, but the rippleindigo was parst my 
 gumption. 
 
 So the square went in to talk with the raskil, <fe 
 arflure a little wile, he oome out & sed the man into 
 the short kote was non est inventus. 
 
 A grate inventor know dowt into the weigh of lies. 
 But arteemass seemed to hev some idee that awl wasn't 
 rite, & run into the tent. A grate hole was ript with 
 a nife into the back part of it, & the man was missing. 
 
 Arfture that day, arteemass was ruther dubus about 
 trusting his good friends. 
 
nUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 137 
 
 THE ACTRESS. 
 
 When artecimaas fust set up his sho, he had an idee 
 that I could doo well into acting out serting peaces in 
 the drammattick line. He sed he bleeved that I had 
 the gift of gab well enufF two exsell into the socks & 
 brick skins. 
 
 We got a few boards & eructated a platform in the 
 back part of the tent, with seats sot in front, & 1 arm- 
 cheer for the square. 
 
 The play was to be Romiro & Juliet. Arteemas was 
 2 act Romiro & I was 2 act Juliet, whilst our hired 
 gurl, Nancy Maclay, w^as 2 act the nuss, & run down 
 Romiro for 2 giv Juliet a chanse two say she hoped 
 blisturs would gro out onto bur tung. 
 
 I larnt the peace & so did arteemass, & we got every 
 thing awl redely to speak it, the nuss was 2 put on a 
 black kote, into a part of the pease & be a preest, & 
 then a potecary afturwards, & at larst I was two put on 
 arteemass's overkote & be Mistur Capperlate. 
 
 Be4 I acted Capperlate, I was 2 be put into a toom. 
 
138 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 Jfe make bleeve I was a corpse, & then I was 2 come 2 
 life tfe speak a butifal peace, <fe awl that air. 
 
 \Ve got a big box from the store that was used to 
 put kole & wood into & cleaned it out, & that was to 
 be the toom. 
 
 The aujience was numeros, which it was a noo thing 
 to act drammatists in them parts, & they come from 
 awl around 2 see the drammur. They called it the 
 hiss-tonick act which I diddent no the why at fust, but 
 I larnd it be4 we got threw. 
 
 Immejuntly the aujiense was awl in, we begun to act, 
 & it awl went well enufF as arteemass red his part out 
 of the book, & tolled me what two say whenevver I 
 got stuck. 
 
 At Wst, they put me into the kole box ; that was 
 the toom. It was awl dark in there, & fust I perseeved 
 something scratched my leg & squalled .out, &; I pre- 
 seeved that I had soddown on a cat that had gone to 
 sleep there, 
 
 I was nonplushed with- fear at onct. The cat squalled, 
 & I screeched & hoUurd 2 arteemass 2 come & let me 
 out ; but he come & whispered 2 me & tolled me two 
 shet up or I would spile the drammer. 
 
 The cat clung to my leg & scratched <fe squalled wuss 
 than ever, <fcj[ was horrid frightened ; so I sot up a yell 
 that yu mite Lev hearn a mild, & at larst, I maid out 2 
 scramble out of the box into the front of the aujience, 
 
HUE* BOOK OF GOAKS. # I39 
 
 & begun 2 scold arteemass for desarting the wife of his 
 booziin into the hour of her distress. The cat jumpt 
 out at the same time & run under the sects, & some of 
 'the aujience hissed, some on em hollurd " Scat !" &, at 
 larst, a niggur wench yelped out that 1 of the wild 
 beastesses had broke loose. 
 
 Then the aujience begun two yell, the ladies fainted 
 grasefully into the arms of their affinities, <fe every 1 
 that want so fritened they couldn't stir maid a bee-line 
 for the door of the tent. 
 
 That air the last dammaticks that I ever was indoosd 
 2 sho my tackticks into. 
 
140 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 THE DOCTOR. 
 
 1 HOPE I needn't tell the publick, at this lately day, 
 that all the docktors of the riglar fdckelty are fools & 
 purtendurs, hoo nose nothing about the hooman sistim, 
 & never use notting but marquery for the qure of 
 every decease. 
 
 The ladies of our society were very much pleesed &. 
 eddifide by a docktur of the noo skool, hoo was invited 
 2 deliver .an addres two us the other nite. 
 
 He never redes iny books about the mittery medi- 
 cines, but has invented a weigh of hiz oan two " qure 
 awl the ills that flesh is air 2," to yuse hiz oan orijinul 
 languidge. 
 
 He karries the flour of the field & other sarting 
 qurcs into hiz saddle-bags, & can heel iny decease as- 
 eezy as he can heel a shu, for he mended shuze be4 he 
 was inspired two qure the bodice of men. 
 
 Arfture he had delivvurd his address two us ladies, a 
 riglar fackelty hoo had been invyted two heer him, was 
 aloud two arsk him a foo kwestions, as followers ; 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 141- 
 
 *** Yu say that salt should never be eaten ; do yu knot 
 no that salt air a part of our own komposition ?" 
 
 "Well, that's a kwestion that's of know importunz," 
 sez the wise fizishun ; " " it's knot what's into ns, but 
 what ant two go into us that should be the kwestion 
 among doctors. 1 never hearn of but ] purson which 
 salt was a part of hur kornposition, & that was Lot's 
 wife." 
 
 " What do you say two Niobe hoo was awl tears ? 
 Tears are salt yu no." 
 
 " I never hearn of her be4, but I suspicion it's the 
 same individooal, only the tears was all froze solid ; 
 that would make hur a pillow of salt, yu no." 
 
 Here, I couldn't help putting in a word, & I riz up, 
 with grate dignity, & sez I : "As fur Lot's wife, ef 
 koarse there was salt into hur kornposition, for we hev 
 Scriptur for that ; but she -was 1 of the most remarka- 
 blyest wimmin that was ever razed into this kuntry. I 
 don't think it's a fare argyment 2 bring hur up heer, <fe 
 as 1 of the ladies of this sosiety, I purtest agin it. 
 Salt hav got nothing 2 doo with the subgect." 
 
 " Begging yure pardon, Madam," sez the riglar 
 fackelty ; " salt is the subject under debate. I was in 
 hopes yu noo, sur, that salt formed a portion of the 
 human boddy." 
 
 " We want none of yure potions heer," sez the grate 
 fizishun ; " they're awl marquery & notfeing else. The 
 
142 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 hooman boddy is under the controll of the^sperritt ^ 
 is subjeck two the will." 
 
 " To a certain extent," said the riglar fackelty ; " but 
 death cannot be staved off by the hooman will." 
 
 " The hoomau will can expell everything as the 
 whale expelled Jonah from his intervals," sed the grate 
 fizishun. 
 
 " Will the will expel catalepsy ?" 
 
 " Surtingly, sur," ansurd the grate fizishun ; " so will 
 cold water ?" 
 
 " Did yu ever see a purson in catalepsy apply cold 
 water to himself f 
 
 " No, but I alius apply cold water two um, when iny 
 one suffring from that decease cawls upon me !" 
 * " Indeed, sur — yu hev remarkibble patients !" 
 
 " A docktur should alius hev patience, else how could 
 he bare so much as he doos." 
 
 " You misunderstand me, sur. But let that parse ; 
 how do you qure tetanus 1" 
 
 " The easiest thing into the world," ansurd the grate 
 fizishun ; " we keep his stummick full two expell the 
 wind ; then we put hot bricks two his feet & bottles of 
 water two the part effeckted, & make him take a plenty 
 of exersise into the open air." 
 
 " How doo yu qure aneurism 1" 
 
 " The what ?" 
 
 "Aneurism." 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 143 
 
 ^* Oh ! that air — yes, when the fit comes on " 
 
 "I'm speaking of the pekulyur swelling called 
 aneurism, sur." 
 
 " Yes — yes — I see. Why, sur, we put on a hot- 
 bread poltiss, of koarse, 2 draw it 2 a head, & when 
 it's ripe we lance it, & squeeze out the juce." 
 
 " Well, sur, awl I . can say is that yure modes of 
 treatment are entirely original — so much so, that ef yu 
 would like a purmanent position, I think you might be 
 got into the lunatic asylum without much trubble." 
 
 " Do you no of a vacunsy there, sur 1" arsked the 
 . grate fizishun. 
 
 " There air alius room' there for sich as yu," sed the 
 riglar fackelty ; " & the addition of a straight jacket 
 mite knot come amiss in yure case." 
 
 " Yu air a reviler of the truth," sez the grate fizi- 
 shun, hoose dandur riz rite up, & I don't bleeve yu no 
 how to qure iny of the things yu mentioned ; yu air an 
 ' onery quack that " 
 
 " Stop, stop, sir ! 1 thing at a time. I hev men- 
 tion catalepsy, tetanus, k aneurism, & yu say I don't 
 no how two qure um. I can ansur yure kwestions, ef 
 yu can't answur mine. Firstly — catelepsy : this is a 
 trance in which the patient seems unconscious, like a 
 statue. It attacks females more frequently than males. 
 Medicnies calculated to relieve nervous irritation air 
 good for it. Mustard poultices along the spinal 
 
144 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 coUum. Citrate of iron & strychine taken with syrup 
 of orange peel & soft water — one terspoonful three 
 times a day. Pills of iron & quinine, & other medi- 
 cines too numerous to be mentioned now. Tetanus or 
 locked-jaw. — For this give chloroform & ether in quan- 
 tities sufficient to control the spasm. Aneurism is a 
 swelling caused by the coats of an artery becoming 
 weak, swelling out & causing a sac or pouch. Stop 
 the circulation through it by compression if possible, 
 so as greatly to diminish its flow. If not, tie the artery 
 between the aneurism & the heart. Use tincture of 
 veratrum to reduce the force of the circulation." 
 
 Arftur the riglar fackelty was done with the hard 
 words, which it made us awl larf, the great fizishun riz 
 , up, & sez he : 
 
 " Come on, as minny of yu as pleases ; I've never 
 been floored yet, & I've disputed with more dockturs 
 than yu can shake a stick at. As for awl yu've jist 
 sed, it's a mass of nonsense. It's like the armor of 
 Soil, which I've cast orf & hevn't proved it. I plant 
 my foot onto eternal rocks, &; I'll go on & am shure of 
 victory & " 
 
 Biglar Fackelty — " Yes, sur, I see yu are wiser than 
 seven wise men hoo can render a reason " 
 
 Great Fizishun — " Reasons or figs, it air awl 1 two 
 me. I've got a mission two go threw the airth konkur- 
 ing & two konkur, <fe two pull down owl the high places 
 
The Highly Intelligent Jury ! [See Page 42.| 
 
HTJR BOOK OF GOAKS. 145 
 
 in Geerusylum. I look onto this yere quack docktiu^ 
 with silent korntemt." 
 
 Then we all clapt our hands &; waved our hankur- 
 "shurs, and took a vote thet Docktur Steeves was the 
 great fizishun of the world, thet he had never been 
 floored into any argyment, & that the regilar fackelty 
 was a quack & aut to be expelled out of the bilding as 
 the whale expelled Jonas. 
 
 Me & abbigul Place was then appointed a kommitty 
 to request the riglar fackelty two make hisself skurce 
 at hiz urliest kornvenyunz, & he took up his hat & 
 cleared out with a flee into hiz ear. 
 
 Then the great fizishun came down from the desk <fe 
 shook hands with us ladies, & we korngrattoolated him 
 onto his victory, & he arsked us if we didn't see how 
 glad his advarserry was to sneak orf. 
 
 " Oh !" sez he ; " ef he had stayed a little longur I'd 
 hev anulated him ; there wouldn't have been a piece of 
 him left big enufF to sware by." 
 
 Then Miss Abbigul White put up her smiling mouth 
 to him, & sed : " Ah ! come, now, sho a little mursy. 
 1 felt for the poor felure whilst he was writhing under 
 yure kastugashuns. The strong should be mersifull." 
 
 " No — no mercy for such as him !" cried the grate 
 fizishun, nobly. 
 
 Oh ! I doo think he air such a nice man ! Noboddy 
 can help loving him. 
 .7 
 
146 BETSE? JANE WAED 
 
 THE APPARITION. 
 
 When arteemass & me had been out 1 arfturnoon 
 picking blueberries, jist as we turned into the 5 akur 
 lot, we seen something white stanning up agin the 
 big chasenut tree there in the korner, &; arteemass was 
 fakeert at the fust ; but we that are sperituals air never 
 afeerd of seeing the departed. 
 
 So I gets partly behind arteemass, two inkurridge 
 him, & sez I two the speerit : 
 
 " PIoo air thou that comes making the nite hiddus, 
 two steel glimsiz of the moon, & makes a fool of na- 
 chure. Avant, & truble us know more !" 
 
 But there it stood & never a word, & then I seen it 
 was the most obstinatest ghost that ever I sawn into 
 my life ; & I winkt two arteemass two parse on <fe leaf 
 it alone; but he didn't see me it was so dark, &, at 
 larst,he v/as going rite up two the ghost two speek two 
 it, but I kept him back by pulling on his kote-tale be- 
 hind, fur cf it shouldn't happen two be a ghost, it would 
 hov inkurridged arteemass into his skeptuschism. 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS, I47 
 
 So I whispurd two him, & sez I: "Go on, artee- 
 mass, & don't run the wife of your boozuni into dan- 
 ger." 
 
 But he hollurd out to the sperrit : " Be thou a 
 sperrifc from heving, or goblet dammd, bring with yu 
 hairs from lieving or blasts from hell, I'll spexjk unto 
 thee." 
 
 Then the ghost kind o' moved, & arteemass jumpt 
 back & like 2 nokt me over as I stood behind him ; & 
 sez he tur me : 
 
 " Betsey Jane, yu no I aint afeared of that air thing. 
 I'm sure it aint a sperrit, bekaws a sperrit air invissible 
 & kornsequentially he can't be scene know how. 
 That's reason enufF for not being afeared of the thing, 
 whatsomever it air." 
 
 " Well, then, arteemass, ef yu want to speek two the 
 sperrit — for I'm shure it air a sperrit — I'll stop hear 
 whilst yu go up and speek two it." 
 
 " Betsey Jane," sez he, considurable riled — " Betsey- 
 Jane, doo yu think I'm going for two inkurridge yure 
 silly notions by taking the panes two go up & speek 
 to thet air thing ? Yu make me larf with yure foolish 
 ness." 
 
 But he didn't larf; he shook like a leaf, tho. Pre- 
 hapa he called that larfing, some fokes has sich queer 
 names for things into these days. 
 
 So we parsed on, & then I went be4 arteenaass <fe let 
 
148 BETSEY J.VNE WAED 
 
 lilm walk behind, to sho him that 1 wasn't skcert the 
 Icastest bit & could step orf as brisk as ever. 
 
 Nixt morning, arteemass got up brite & urly, &: went 
 two see ef the ghost wns there yet. But the ghost was 
 gone & had left in hiz 2")lace the thing that he wore, no 
 dowt, whilst he was stanning the nite bc4. It was a 
 long strip of white cloth like it had been torn orf the 
 whole length of a sheet, & it hung by the lim of a tree, 
 & enormost tucht the ground. 
 
 No dowt the ghost wore it the nite be4, &: having no- 
 further use for it when he left the urth, he hung it up 
 on the tree. 
 
 Arteemass wanted to purtend that this peace of white 
 cloth was awl the ghost we had seen. It's strange how 
 much onbelief there air into these days. 
 
 Sez I two arteemass : " yu only giss that there want 
 no ghost; that shoze yu hev a dowt. Very well, as the 
 ghost air on the trial, he should hev the benefit of the 
 dowt ; therefore yu may kornklude that we, poor mor- 
 tels, hev been favored with a sight of 1 of the dear de- 
 parted." 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAiiS. 149 
 
 THE VILLAGE BELLE. 
 
 The best and prettiest gurl into Baldinsville v/as 
 
 Miss Sarah . Wlien she got along 2 be 16 or 17 
 
 yeer old awl the fclures was flocking arfture hur as ef 
 she had been a camp meeting or a hoss-race. 
 
 But she was nythur ] gnaw the othur. Everybody 
 that looked af hur loved hur, bekaws' she looked so 
 good & so plezzant, <fe had sich a weigh with hur that 
 yu couldn't get over it know how. 
 
 Her cheeks were like the roses in June, & her pout- 
 ing red lips was so sweet that a bee lit onto um 1 day, 
 <fe I'll be bound that he got sweeter hunny out of them 
 than he ever got out of a rose-leaf. 
 
 Sich a 1 was Sarah, & everybody sawt her cumpany ; 
 but there was 1 big lummux of a felure, called Jake 
 Daybrook, what kept into the store & sold goods two 
 customers & rit up the akkownts. He use two dress 
 up spruce every Sunday & walk parst h'ur windur, into 
 the hope that she would karst an eye onto him. 
 
 But Sarah didn't seem two be much took with him, 
 mourn with the rest. Prehaps she didn't liiie his big 
 Knows. 
 
150 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 She was never proud, gnaw stuck up, but she had a 
 rite to chuse for hurself hoo she would marry. Jake 
 was dredfull down-harted .when he found that Sarah 
 didn't smile upon hiz soot, & he hung on like a snap- 
 ping-turkle two a nigger's big toe. 
 
 At larst Jake plucked up kurridge two rite hur a 
 peace of poetness, & put it into the Bugle Horn of 
 Liberty, as followers : 
 
 LINES ON MISS SAEAH . 
 
 Have you the gentle Sarali seen 
 Come\ripping o'er the village green, 
 Though scarce arrived at woman's age 
 Eobust in virtue as a sage, 
 Like the martyr brave who bore her name 
 At)d soared to heaven in smoke and flame ; 
 In aspect kind, in bearing meek, 
 Aurora's blush is on her cheek; 
 Ilcr brow like pure Italian skies, 
 Grace in her step, heaven in her eyes, 
 And fairer is her swelling breast 
 Than pearly fdtim on ocean's crest. 
 And her breath is like Arabian spice, 
 Her mouth, the gate of Paradise, 
 And her voice hath in its silvery swell 
 The royal minstrel's magic spell. 
 And her smile is like the sunny ray 
 "When stormy clouds have passed away. 
 As bees in summer's sultry hour, 
 Come buzzing round the opening flower, 
 So village swains from glen and hill 
 Surround the Eose of Baldinsvillet 
 
 When Sarah read this poetness, she node hoo rit it, 
 as it was just the weigh tliat Jake tawkt 2 hur ; but 
 nobody node what she thought onto it, as she kept her 
 mind to herself. 
 
 As for Jake, he kept going about the villige groning 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 151 
 
 & taking on about Sarah. He come down to the tent, 
 1 rainy arfturenoon, & tolled us how he had lost 20 
 pound of flesh on akkownt of Sarah's krewelty. He 
 rapt his weskit around him & shode us that it lapt over 
 ahout G inches. Arteemass sed ef he kept on so, he 
 would soon be as slim as a been-pole, & then know gurl 
 would hev him. 
 
 Arteemass advised him to try corn-whiskey which it 
 would qure the bloos ef inything would ; but, he lade 
 liis hand upon his hart & sed : " It won't qure what's 
 into hear," & then he sithed like awl nachure. 
 
 Some peple tolled him he'd better list into the army 
 & fite for the union ; but he ansurd & sed there was 
 only 1 union that he keerd for, & that was his union 
 with Sarah. 
 
 Finelly, he krawled into a hollur log & sed he'd stay 
 there till he starved two deth ; buf 1 of the nabors come 
 & took holt of his ankel & hauled him out. 
 
 It was thawt best two watch him for fear he mite 
 commit sewiside ; they seen him, into the middle of the 
 nite, laying down onto Sarah's door-stone, & a felure 
 kawled Sam Stone, hoo wanted two hev a lark, went & 
 got a pale of water, & flung it over him & then doged 
 behind the corner of the house, & maid him bleeve that 
 Sarah threw it onto him from her chamber windur. 
 
 That finished him ; it broke his hart two think that 
 Sarah scorned him two that deggree that she would, par- 
 
152 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 secute him while he was dying for love of hur ; & he 
 set out two commit scwiside in ded earnest. 
 
 There was an apotyoucarry by the name of Tim 
 Blake hoo sold awl sorts of meddysins, hoo lived up 
 into Peter Chase's place, & Jake went two see the 
 apotyoucarry, & ordurd a purscription two be made out, 
 & Jake was so cunning about it that he like 2 hev suck- 
 seeded into it. lie ordurd three kinds of meddysins 
 that was harmless, & a little arsinnick along with the 
 rest, jest as ef it was intended two qure some sickness. 
 
 But there was 1 Obed Swain hoo had his eye onto 
 Jake, & when he seen him go into the apotyoucarry 
 shop, he node what he was arfture. 
 
 So as soon as Jake was gone, he went in & arsked 
 Sim what Jake had been bying. Sim sed he hadn't got 
 nothing yet, but he was two put him up some meddy- 
 sins & he was two call for um in the evening. 
 
 Now Obed was akwainted with Sarah, & he run rite 
 orf two hur & tolled hur awl that Sim had tolled him, 
 & sed he : " I'm very mutch afeard, Sarah, that that 
 yung man will kill hisself for yure sake." 
 
 Then Sarah's hart flutturd into hur boozim jist like a 
 little burd, & 1 big tear gathered into hur eye & it groo 
 bigger & bigger till at last it fell down kerslap onto 
 hur apun. 
 
 Then she went up stares a minnit, & when she cum 
 down, she had a little note in hur hand, seeled up with 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 153 
 
 seelinff wax, & there wasn't more than 3 or 4 words 
 into it, & she gave it- two Obed & tolled him two tell 
 the apotyoucarry two doo up that little note into the 
 same packidge with the meddysins. 
 
 So Sim Blake put up the meddysins & the little note 
 together, &; tide the packidge with a little red string. 
 
 In the evening, Jake come two the shop &; took away 
 the packidge. 
 
 Somebody heered a noise in Jake's room that nite. 
 It sounded like somebody larfing and dancing for joy, 
 (fe then Jake's door busted open & he run out, with not-x 
 ting onto him bii-t his shirt & trowsis, & away he went 
 up the street, &; the jokes in the house sed he had gone 
 mad for the love of Sarah, <fc whet a pity it was, sich a 
 nice yung man two ! 
 
 But the nixt day, Jake & Sarah was scene walking 
 arm & arm up the rode, & talking together as thick as 
 2 pickpockets, & everybody was astonished. As fur 
 the apotyoucarry, he sed he had never put up a pur- 
 scription be4 which it affected a qure in sicl> a short 
 time. 
 
 Arteemass went rite up two the apotyoucarry shop 
 two enquire what was the meaning of it awl, but Sim 
 could only tell him that a little pink-cuUud note was 
 
 scent two the shop by Sarah , &: that it was 
 
 done up into the pgickidge with the other meddysins, & 
 so Jake took it away with the rest of the meddysins, 
 
154 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 but which of um it was that qured him he couldn't tell. 
 
 Arteemas studdid it out a long time, <fe at larst he 
 kornkluded it was the dose into the pinl^ note, taken 
 farsting, onto an emty stummick, that qured Jake. 
 
 Into about 3 weeks, Jake & Sarah was marrid. 
 They hev now been marrid jist 1 year, & alius lived 
 hapyy together so fur. 
 
HU^ BOOK OF GOAKS. 155 
 
 AETSTOCRACY. 
 
 A BUTiFUL wooman was Mistrus Nitingale, hoo lived 
 into the big white house onto the hill above the old 
 berrying ground. 
 
 She come down two the tent 2 or 3 times when thare 
 was childurn at hur house onto a visit, two sho um the 
 wax figgurs & kangaroo. 
 
 Mistrus Nitingale was a monstrashus grate lady, &, 
 ef koarse, she newer kep compinny with iny of the 
 kommon sort. You wouldn't see hur stop & speek two 
 iny body when she was goin' two meeting, without it 
 was that she would kurchy, onct in a wile, two the 
 square's wife, bekaws she come of the Shaws hoo air 
 very rich. 
 
 Mistrus Nitingale wouldn't ware iny of the noo 
 fashions, for they want stately enuff for hur. She was 
 come from a grate fammily of the Revvolushun war, & 
 she kep on the same dress that she wore when she was 
 a gurl. 
 
 One arfturnoon, she come down two the tent, which 
 it was a very fine day <fe the walking was good, or she 
 
156 ' BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 would hev rid into hur coach. She brought bur 2 
 grandsons with hur, little boys, two sho um the sho. 
 
 I wouldn't bleeve they was hur grandsons at fust as 
 they was drest ruthur ornery. I expected, when I hearn 
 they was coming, two see um with beaver caps onto 
 thare head with goold l3ands & tawsel, <fe their close awl 
 guilt with goold, & with silver shuse onto thare feet. 
 But they wore common kloth like the square's children. 
 
 But Mistrus Nitingale was drest butiful. She had on 
 a lawn cap with a bordur of lace, with artifishawl flours 
 onto the top of hur forrid, & a vilet silk dress & stum- 
 micker, &; hi-heeled shuze. The sleeves of the dress sot 
 close till they come two the elbows, where thare was 
 the biggest ruffles I ever seen. Down hur arm was 
 lawn trimmed with Drisdun lace. The dress was low^ 
 into the neck, but she wore a lace hankurchur two hide 
 hur boozum. Then she had a string of big purls round 
 hur neck. 
 
 J run & got a cheer & gove it two Mistrus Nitingale 
 & smoothed down my apun two look tidy, bekaws I 
 node she was sich a big lady, she would take pertickulure 
 notiss of my dress, which arteemass alius sed was enuff 
 two sho iny 1 that I was a akomplished lady. 
 
 So wile the children was looking at the sho, Mistrus 
 Nitingale she talks two me kuite free 2 be shure, «fe 
 into the most kornfidentialest weigh yu may depend, 
 for she scene thet I was none of the kommon sort, as 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 157 
 
 arteemass says, iny 1 that talks with me can't help pur- 
 seeving that I'm a purson of refinements, <fe I spose 
 she'd hearn that I belonged two the Wimmin's Rites & 
 awl the other sosieties, which ef that don't make a 
 feemail risspectable I should like two no what doo. 
 
 So says Miss Nitingale two me, sez she : " Mrs. Ward 
 I presume that yu air akwainted with Silas Jonas's 
 wife ?" 
 
 " Law, Madam," sez I ; " it's kuite a supprise that 
 yu should think me akwainted with that feemail." 
 
 "I beg yure pardon," sez she; "I had supposed, as 
 yu was neer nabors, that you node hur." 
 
 " No — no, Mistrus Nitingale," sez I ; "I never 
 assoshiates beneeth me. Yu no, madam, that peple like 
 yu & me can't keep compinny with sich. Hur hus- 
 band's a blacksmith." 
 
 " Very troo — he air a blacksmith," sez she ; " I was 
 not aware — I beg your pardon." 
 
 " It's granted kindly," sez I ;' " I spose yu forgot that 
 my husband's the onur & pripriettur of this sho, & that 
 I tend the door & take awl the munny. We couldn't 
 think of soshiating with a blacksmith's wife." 
 " Do you keep a karridge ?" sez she. 
 " Only the 1 boss cart that we moves our sho into 
 when we travels," sez I ; " " but I must tell arteemass 
 two get a karridge ; sich peple as us aught 2 hev that 
 air." 
 
156 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 " Ic would set yu orf some, sartingly," sez she ; 
 " which it air the kustom for peple into hi life two take 
 an airing in their karridge onct into a wile." 
 
 " Now yu speek my mind eggzackly, Madam," 
 ansurd I; "<fe I'm glad two heer yu say so. Peple 
 like us, into hi life, as yu obsarved, autentoo go on foot 
 like the common sort." 
 
 Then she got up to go aweigh & I eggspected 2 heer 
 hur giv me a invite two call up at the house & take T 
 ^vith hur in a nice, soshible weigh awl 2 ourselves, but 
 I spose she fuggot it. 
 
 When arteemass come in, I tolled him hoo had ben 
 thare, & sez I : " Now, arteemass, lissen two the wife 
 of yure boozim. Mistrus Nitingale sez that we must | 
 keep a karridge. She sez we air in hi life, which it re- 
 kuries 2 keep up our dignitty that we doo like others 
 hoo don't want 2 be lookt uppon as the com men sort." 
 
 " I can't afford it," sez arteemass ; " bekaws why ? 
 Look a-here, Betsey Jaire, the bosses & karridge ain't 
 so much, fust on, but the feed of the bosses & the pay 
 of the driver, Lord alive ! it would swallur up awl our 
 urnings, & whare could we go 2 ? we don't vissit 
 noboddy but Cyrus Weeks, & he's going to move^out 
 of the viliidge." 
 
 " Arteemass," sez I, & I gove him a purcing glance; 
 " don't korntredict the wife of yure boozim ; without 
 me yu air an orfin alone into this cold world, & it's 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 159 
 
 only myadvice, which it aut two be took more orffenur, 
 that keeps you out of diffikilty." 
 
 " Whare will we get the hosses ?" sez arteemass two 
 me. 
 
 I ansurd <fe sed : "Get 1 of them Cleveland bays of 
 Bill Smith, <fe another boss of the Square." 
 
 " The square '11 not sell nary a boss," sez he ; " & 
 Bill Smith's got only 1 that he'll part with. I just 
 tride that boss by pinching his gullet, & be gin a short 
 kauf like be had the hectic fever." 
 
 " And so would you, ef inybody pinched you in the 
 gullet," sez I. 
 
 " Yu don't no notbin' about a boss," sez be ; " which 
 it takes a man's life time amongst the Varmount boss 
 jockeys, as I've ben, to tell a good boss from a bad 1. 
 Those boss tbet the square bev got aint worth much 
 nytber. They've got puffs on their legs, & thare eyes 
 look as ef they had the yallur jandurs. Hosses like 
 them air don't live long. Carrots wouldn't make them 
 look well, ef you fed um on notbin else. Give me a 
 boss that's clear-eyed, with a thin main & thick tale, 
 broad behind, broad breast, small bead, wide nostrils, 
 round-hoofed & sbort-jinted, & then I'll talk to yu." 
 
 " Then get 2 sicb bosses at onct," sez I. 
 
 " Yes, I will, when boss ranes down from the clouds," 
 sez he ; " there's knot a good boss within fifty mild of 
 you, this blessed minnit." 
 
160 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 " Where there's a will, there's a way," sez I ; " yu 
 don't want 2 hev a karridge, & that's the lodgick of 
 yure obsarvations." 
 
 In course arteemass had 2 give in at larst. I node 
 that Mistrus Nitingale was a propperer purson than 
 arteemass to juge of what we wanted, & she drest up so 
 rich & butiful. Arteemass finelly aggreed two start the 
 next morning, & promist 2 come back be4 dark riding 
 into his karridge. 
 
 I tolled him 2 be shure & get 1 hoss white «fe the 
 tother black, bekaws I'd alius hearn that variety was 
 pleasing. 
 
 As soon as arteemass had cut out, I couldn't rest into 
 my mind till I'd put on my black silk. Then I lookt 
 at myself into the glass, & kornckided that a string of 
 purls would become me like a book. I korncluded two 
 by um the fust oppurtunitty. 
 
 Then I soddown into the door of the tent, &; scene the 
 square's wife go by. I couldn't help larfing into my 
 sleeve when I thawt how she would stare when she seen 
 arteemass & me taking a drive up to Mistrus Nitingale's 
 & leeving our card, which it should be printed on pink 
 paper & guilt around the ejiz with goold leave. 
 
 I waited till it got enermost dark, & then I felt riled 
 bekaws I'd wanted to see the coach in broad day-lite. 
 But I korncluded thet arteemass was so purtickular about 
 the bosses that it took him a grate wile 2 pick um out. 
 
nUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 161 
 
 I went inside the tent, & sot out the table, & got my 
 T ready, & arfture a wile it was pitch dariv <5z; arteemass 
 he hadn't come. I waited &; waited, & got madder & 
 madder, till I hearn somebody coming into the tent. 
 
 I jumpt up like a jack-in-the-box & run two meet him. 
 It was a strange man, he seemed 2 be a little in likkur. 
 
 " Yure husband has come home," sez he. 
 
 " Yes," sez I ; yu air the driver, I kornclude ; " artee- 
 mass has rid home, of coarse." 
 
 " Why, yes," sez the felure ; "you may well say that 
 — he's rid home, & I wants haff a dollar for the job." 
 
 " Very well," sez I ; " we'll see about that air ; we 
 may higher you by the munth, ef yu keep steddy & aint 
 2 saucy." 
 
 " Saucy or knot," sez he ; "I won't leeve the shanty 
 till I hev my munny." 
 
 " I'll go &.look at the karridge fust," sez I, & I intar- 
 mind, into my own mind that this felure should knot be 
 our driver. So I hurrid 2 the door, & seed a wheel- 
 barrar with a man into it. 
 
 "What's that?" sez I. 
 
 The felure in the wheelbarrar tosted up his arms & 
 becun to sin<z : 
 
 '& 
 
 " "We won't go home till morning 
 Till daylight doth appear." 
 
 Then I thawt the voyce sounded like the voyce of 
 
IQ2 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 arteemass, though it was very thick, with hikkups In 
 betwixt the words. 
 
 The man come out of the tent, & I arsked him what 
 that wheelbarrar was there for. 
 
 " Well, old woman," sez he ; " ef yu don't want yuro 
 husband, I'll wheel him back again." 
 
 " Wheel my husband !" sez I. 
 
 he's got about 9 inches of corn whiskey into him- 
 " But whare's the coach, & the bosses 1" sez T. 
 
 The felure larfed into my face, & sez he : " I've scene 
 know coach & bosses, only yure husband was up at the 
 Hit or Miss Tavurn blowing about bosses, & drinking 
 with everybody till he begun 2 make love 2 the land- 
 lord's wife, & then old Pete brought out this wheelbar- 
 rar tfe put him into it, & arsked hoo would wheel him 
 home, as he shode a dispersition 2 lay down onto the 
 floor. So I hev fotched him home for you, «fe I reckon 
 the job 2 the valley of about haffa dollar." 
 
 I pulled out the munny & pade the felure, & tolled 
 him 2 make hisself skurce. He sed he must have the 
 wheelbarrar. So, we got arteemass out, & he fell rite 
 down be4 the tent, as drunk as Satan. 
 
 As soon as the felure went orf with the wheelbarrar, 
 I throde a pale of water over arteemass, & he come to 
 his senses enuff 2 cuss &; sware, which it was enkur- 
 ridging under the circumstances. So he was abel 2 get 
 
IIUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 1(53 
 
 urf to bed. But the nixt morning, somebody had 2 
 lissen 2 a little wholesome advice about going for 2 by 
 a c oach &; coining home into a wheelbarrar. 
 
 Whenever arteemass air obstropolus I can bring him 
 2 his senses by jist lifting my finggur & sayne : 
 
 " Wheelbarrar !" 
 
164 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 CAUSE FOR JEALOUSY. 
 
 I SUPPOSE it air knot jenurly known which it ought 
 two be, though peple's minds hev been so mutch took 
 up by the war that they could not attend two it, that 
 my arteemass was alius a grate favoryte of the fare 
 seek. 
 
 But arfture the nupshell not was tyd, it w^as hiz 
 dooty two adjure every feemail except the wife of his 
 boozim, for when they air united into the bonds of 
 matrimony they air one twain. 
 
 But arteemass has alius been in danger of being led 
 away, like King Solomon, which the pote sez : 
 
 " The wisest man that ever lived 
 Most dcerly loved the la^isos O." 
 
 There was a feemail into our parts named Susannah 
 Loines. She had red hare, bloo eyes, a fare skin like 
 snow, and a few freckles onto her knows, red lips, good 
 teeth, <fe good shape. She Wi^s about my haithe but 
 wasn't quite so potty, as I'm what they call embone- 
 pint. 
 
• HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. • 165 
 
 When we were fast marrid, arteeraass could put his 
 arms clean around me, & he used 2 doo it very orfan, 
 but now he sez he nose he couldn't doo it ef he tried, & 
 so he never tries. 
 
 But Susannah Loines air more slim like, around the 
 waist, though she buljiz out above & below it. 
 
 The fust I node of hur notion arfture arteemass was 
 1 rainy day when he was coming from the store with a 
 mouse-trap & a quart of molasses. He had a cotton 
 umberrill & it was spread two keep off the Rain. 
 
 What should Susannah doo but run rite under hiz 
 umberrill, & say : " I beg yure pardon Mr. Ward, but 
 I'm so afeerd of getting wet, the dipthoarry is about so 
 much." 
 
 Then arteemass ansurd, & sed : " yu're as welcome as 
 flours in May, my little duck. I'm glad yu called." 
 
 Then sez she : " Now, Mr. Ward, none of yure non- 
 cents. I'm know flour, & I didn't expekt an old man 
 like yu, that's got a wife & a pare of twins, two speek 
 so on becoming." 
 
 " It can't doo any harm," sez arteemass. 
 
 Then she sithed, & sez she : " yu don't no what harm 
 it may doo, friend Ward — ef yu will allow me to call 
 yu so — for the fare seek air more sissiptible than yu 
 think, & ef yu should inspyer a tendur feeling into my 
 busting hart, hoo would be 2 blame then ?" 
 
 Then artoemass scene that he had put his foot in it, <fc 
 
166 • BETSEY JANE WARD • 
 
 that she loved hirn like a book. He didn't no what 
 was best to doo, whether to except of hur love, or 2 
 sho hur that he was troo two hur that he had took 2 his 
 hart, into the bloom of his youth. 
 
 At hirst the evil spcrrit purvaled, &; he sez : " My 
 dear Miss Loines, yu no that I must keep up my 
 creddit, as I am a publick karaktur, & hev a sho, & 
 allso a wife hoo air an onor two hooman nachoor, & 
 thare4 1 must bid yu good by for the present ; but cf 
 yu'll appint a place whare we can meet, onto Sunday 
 evening, I'll be thare' onto the wings of love, as the 
 pote sez." 
 
 So she told him to come to the back door of hur 
 sister's house, whare she lives for the pressent, at 9 
 okklock a Sunday evening. 
 
 Arteemass kept the afTare awl two hisself till the 
 time come , & I wondurd what he was Greecing up his 
 boots &; putting on hiz best ruffle shurt for. He cut 
 out at y okklock, & went two the place. 
 
 It was awl dark thare, <fe know sign of any lites 
 ■whatsomever. At larst, the windur opened over head, 
 & a voyce sed : " Is that yu, my deer love ?" 
 
 "Yes, it's me," sez arteemass ; " open unto me, my 
 love." 
 
 " Yes — pressently — wait a minnit, deer," sed the 
 voyce of Susannah. 
 
 So he waited a minnit, & then thare come out of the 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. lf,7 
 
 vvindur about 2 galleons of cold water, & it lit onto 
 arteemass's head & run down the back of hiz neck. 
 At fust, he thawt he was skolt with biling water, but at 
 larst he korncludcd it was cold. 
 
 Then the windur was slammed down like fury, &; awl 
 was still agin. 
 
 Arteemass thawt it was a broad hint thet hiz com- 
 pinny wasn't wanted, & he bleeved it would be a waste 
 of preshus time 2»stop thare iny longer. So he cut out 
 for home, with his noo close in sich a pickle thet I 
 thawt he'd jined the meeting house & been baptised : 
 but I hearn the whole story afture wards from Su- 
 sannah's sister. 
 
 The cornduct of Susannah is very onakkountable, 
 seeing she as good as tolled him she loved him when 
 they was under the umberrill together. Thare can't be 
 know dowt she loves him, for awl the wimmin air 
 arfture arteemass into the same weigh. 
 
108 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 HOSPITALITY. 
 
 It is rarely seldom that arteemass & me gets ketched 
 without niunny into our pockets ; but we took a ride 
 into the kuntry onet, into the munth of August, & 
 thare come on a thunder shour that hindered us from 
 traveliu a long time, the road being awl mush; & the 
 shour lasting 2 days. 
 
 On the weigh home we got very pekish, tile we come 
 2 an old house thet was okkipied by a 7th kuzzin of 
 arteemass. He hadn't scene him into 18 veer & 
 skurcely node him by sight when he did see him. 
 
 Sez arteemass : " Betsey Jane, we need something 
 to ete, as our interval air raving like a lyon for food. 
 Hard by, resides my kindred, 7 times reemoovci]. 
 Wc will stop at his house; I will reemind him of tho 
 sacred ties of effeckshun vvharewith we are bound, &: it 
 is opportoonly about the very our for dinner. Ho 
 will nachoorally arsk us to partake with him, & our 
 hungur will be appeezd. Of course, he needn't no that 
 we only called 2 get something 2 cte; thet air our 
 secret." 
 
Outside of the Grate T\'ax Figger Show. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. j^q 
 
 He nocked onto the door, <fc a red-heded female 
 opened it at onct. 
 
 " Her father's eyes ! those hare ! the mouth — the 
 chin. I should hev none the fammily rezemblunz into 
 the darkest nite," ecsklamed arteemass ; "come 2 my 
 arms my child, and embrace yure uffekshunate relative! 
 How's yure father, child 1" 
 
 " My father ! Och, faith, I wish you would tell me 
 thet same," sez she ; " the last time I seed him he was 
 in County Tipperary in ould Ireland. What's your 
 pleasure with him, sir ?" 
 
 " Can I see the master of this house ?" sez artee- 
 mass, with the dignity which becomes 1 two address a 
 meenyal. 
 
 A tall man come to the dooi*. & stared at I & artee- 
 mass as ef we was prizziners into the dock waiting for 
 the centense of the court. 
 
 " Kuzzin Rufus," cride arteemass, ceasing his hand ; 
 "doo I see you onct more — but my feelinks — my fe.el- 
 iaks onto this effecting occasion." 
 
 Arteemass put his hand onto his stummick when he 
 spoke of his feelinks. My feelinks awl lade into that 
 direction two, & I was glad to cent the roasted beef 
 when the door opened. 
 
 Rufus looked more rekonsiled when he hearn that 
 
 arteemass was his kuzzin, & arsked us to walk in. 
 
 When we entered the rheum, we found the wimmin 
 8 
 
170 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 fokes putting the bread & salt & mustard onto the 
 table. 
 
 We took cheers and soddowii be4 the fire, & was 
 silent for 2 minutes. 
 
 Then Rufus sez: "You've rather got the advan- 
 tidge of me, Kuzzin — a — a — a " 
 
 " Arteemass Ward," sed arteemass, 2 help him out, 
 as his memory seemed 2 be oblivioyus. 
 
 "Ah ! — yes ! — Ward," scz he, & he kept a studdying 
 over the name. 
 
 " Yu haint fuggot us, I hope," sez arteemass ; " for 
 the cords of natchooral affection they air the only tyes 
 that bind us 2 this world, which it air our dooty 2 re- 
 member them " 
 
 " Yu say yure name is Ward ;" sez Rufus ; " my 
 name is Crane ; what branch of the family do you be- 
 long 21" 
 
 " Iny branch you plees," sez ai'teemaas ; " cents we 
 awl belong 2 1 tree, it makes know odds about the 
 branches. We was going by yure house, & I felt my 
 bowels yurn tords it, knowing that I had a kuzzen into 
 the bilding, <fe I thunk two myself, & sez I to Betsey 
 Jane : " He'll never furgiv me, into this world, if I go 
 by without giving him a kawl ; it's so unnachooral like 
 2 slite one's oan kin, whilst this hart beets in this 
 boozom I can't think of iny sich a thing." 
 
 "Very kind of yu, Kuzzin," sez Rufus, staring at 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 171 
 
 his wife, hoo had arsked 2 take my bunnit & shawl ; 
 " I dare say it's awl rite, Mr. Ward — I bleevc that's 
 the name — tliough I never hearn of you be4." 
 
 By that time the table was sot. A butiful pease of 
 roasted Jjeef, meely putators, mashed turnips & gravy, 
 & a big pitcher of syder were onto the horspitible 
 board, «fe arteemass kept 1 eye onto the table whilst he 
 looked at Kuzzin Rufus with the other. 
 
 '' Yu're travelin', I take it," sez Rufus. 
 
 " Yes, Kuzzin, we've been taking a little tower, but 
 had no idea of the happiness of seeing ray long-losfc 
 kinsman when we sot out from home." 
 
 " Live fur orf?" 
 
 " Into Baldinsville," sez arteemass. 
 
 " Let's see — that's away orf hear," sez Rufus, pinting 
 with his arm 
 
 ♦^ Yes." 
 
 " Well, what ye doing on so fur orf from home ?" 
 
 " Taking a tower," sed arteemass ; " arfture the fat 
 leagues of bizness, 2 rikkooperate the sistum, & enjoy 
 the silloobrus air of the kuntry." 
 
 " Ya — a — as," sez Rufus. 
 
 His wife had kept nodding hur head 2 him & looking 
 tords the table awl this time, but he didn't take the hint. 
 Then she whispered 2 him, & he looked tords us. At 
 last he riz up & sez : 
 
172 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 *' Well, kuzzins, cents yu're hear, yu'll take a bite 
 with us, I kornclude ; yu'll be wellcome." 
 
 Arteemass jurkecl his head around, & stared at the 
 table as of he haddend none thare was iny vittles within 
 a mile of liim, he'd been so overpowered with happiness 
 in meeting his deer kinsman. 
 
 "I — I — don't no," sez arteemas?, looking at me; 
 "yure going 2 dinner it seems. Well, on my word, I'd 
 no idee it was so late as that. Seddown, kuzzin, & 
 don't make iny seremunny about our being hear." 
 
 " But I arsked yu & yure wife 2 come & take a bite 
 with us," sez Rufus. " You shall be welcome." 
 
 " Thet, indeed," ansurd arteemass ; " I haddend thawt 
 of that." 
 
 " No," sez I ; ** we diddend come in for that. It w^as 
 the larst thing we'd hev thought of." 
 
 " Yes," sez arteemass ; " the idee of dinnur was the 
 larst thing we thawt of." 
 
 So w^e soddown, & arteemass went into the beef & 
 puttators as ef he was eggspecting never 2 get anuther 
 meel onto the erth. 
 
 " I admire those turnip," sed arteemass, taking 
 another spoon-full onto hiz plate ; " I never seen this 
 kind be4." 
 
 "Yu'll be a purty good juge of the article when yu 
 jce it agin, I'm a thinking," sez Rufus. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. |73 
 
 Me & arteemass thawt eteing was more profitable 
 than tawking, & we sed no more, but ete awl we 
 wanted, & soon arftureward, we got up two go. 
 
 Arfture vve had got into the wagging, & arteemass 
 had gathurd up the reigns in his hand for a start, Rufus 
 poked hiz head out the windur, & sung out: 
 
 " I say, kuzzin, won't yu take a qwarter of beef, a few 
 loafs of bread, & a platter of turnip into yure cart be4 
 yu start, for fear yu should be hungry be4 yu get 
 home ?" 
 
 " Sartainly, ef I shall be wellcome," ansurd artee- 
 mass, whipping up his hoss. 
 
 " Betsey Jane," sez arteemass, arfture we'd got fiiirly 
 on the road ; " yu see the nachur of mankind air 2 lye. 
 We lyed when we sed we diddend call in for dinner, & 
 Rufus lyed when he sed we was wellcome; for you seen 
 they kept dinner waiting till it was enormost cold, in 
 the hopes that we would cut out be4 they soddown 2 
 table." 
 
 " He lyed, &: we lyed, & so the akkowntair purfeckly 
 square, & nary 1 of us hev inything 2 complane of." 
 
 Then I seen that arteemass were a filosofer, but he 
 larnt awl he node from me, Betsey Jane Ward, the wife 
 of his boozim. 
 
;74 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 FREE SUFFEAGE. 
 
 Them as thinks the intelligent, inlightningd ladys of 
 amerrik/ air unqualifide two go two the poles <fe vote, 
 shoze th?ir own lack of gumption. 
 
 When the Irish, which they air pagans <fc worship 
 imidges that aught two be puddown by law, when these 
 irishurs can come over hear <fe vote, it's a burnin shame 
 that eddikayted, varchus, reding, riting, sighforinn, 
 skating ladys of the pressent jenurashun should be put 
 inn with iddyaughts, fellyuns, & dikkrippit pursons. 
 
 I had some thawts of righting a serious of peaces 
 onto the sul)ject two put it into the Home jurnile, or 
 Harpur's Weakly, or praps the Leger, as Edwad 
 Everitt rights for that paper. 
 
 As feemails hev the bringing up & tooturing of the 
 infunt mind which the pote sez : " Just as the tree gros 
 the twigs will bend," tharc4 it is very stranje ef they 
 aint fit for 2 govern the kuntry arfture the kuntry air 
 grode up. 
 
 Minny a grate man would hev been a noodle but for 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 175 
 
 the judishus spankings thet he receeved from the mater- 
 nal hand, whilst their boxing of thare ears hardend their 
 heads, which they mite otherwise hev been soft. 
 
 Them that has red the feemail leckchure, of the pres- 
 sent .day air kornvinced that they air sooperior 2 iny- 
 thing thet hev been rit^by the other seek. 
 
 Saint Paul sez thet " Man is the head of the woman ;" 
 but he ment it into a purticular cents, like, as it ware, a 
 river. Everybody nose thet the head of a river is the 
 shallowed part of it. It is into that cents that the man 
 air the head of the woman, which arteemass air a knoti- 
 ble example, hoo air like a helpless orfin when away 
 from his better haff. 
 
 The woman et the forbidden frute be4 man et it, 
 which it shoze thet she's ahead of him at the start, <fe 
 she's been ahead of him ever cents. 
 
 I think, ef the truth was none, that Homer & Virgil 
 was both feemails, & Shakspear 2 ; but the men, which 
 hev everything their own. weigh, purtend it was their 
 own seek. 
 
 Our sosiety hev an idee of putting up poles of our 
 own whare nobody shall Vote except the fare seek. 
 
17G BETSEY JANE WAliD 
 
 THE TRAVELLING SHOW. 
 
 1 Yeer arteemass & me went around with our sho of 
 wax figgurs & beastesses, into a gi^ate minny diffurunt 
 towns till we come 2 Cape Cod, & arfture we had finish- 
 ed there, we was tolled that we could make a grate deel 
 of munny by going 2 Marthaz Vinyard & Nantuckit, 
 which they air 2 ilans sittuated into the water. 
 
 Arteemass got the capting of a bote calld a skoonur 
 two take awl his things into it, <fe we rid down two 
 Marthaz Vinyard two a place calld Edgartown whare 
 we shcde the sho two awl the peple ; & then we went 
 two the other ilan, which it air calld Nantuckit. 
 
 We saled around a peace of land calld Bran Pint that 
 runs out into the water & has got a steeple onto it, but 
 know church under it. The steeple stans rite onto the 
 sand awl alone by itself. We went up two a place 
 calld Long Warf, & tyed up the bote two a big post. . 
 
 Awl the peple come running down two see arteemass 
 & some were on little hoss-karts that went slam-slam- 
 slam. 
 
HUE BOOK 0:B GOAKS. 177 
 
 When we got orf the bote & stood onto the world 
 onct more, the sand came into our shuze. We walked 
 along the rode a peace & soon got tired, for our feet 
 sunk into the sand so bad that it was like wading into 
 the water. 
 
 Then a old man calld Starbuck come along with hiz 
 hoss-kart & took us in, & away went the kart, slam- 
 slam-slam, up the rode into the town. We boarded 
 into a house kep by Miss Flussy, hoo air a very fine 
 woman, only she takes snufF awl the time, & says thee 
 whenever she speaks two you. 
 
 Awl the rest of the feemails was named Eunia except 
 Rebecca Bunker, hoo, they say, kep skool into the Free- 
 mason loge a long time aggo. 
 
 We put up our tent into a street that was called 
 Eunice Mitchell street, & was named arfture a rich lady 
 that lived onto the island a grate minny yeers aggo k 
 owned the ship Maro, which was named arfture a grate 
 pote by hur dawtur Liddy what marrid a man named 
 Greene. 
 
 The peple begun two come two the sho, but we 
 couldn't understand much that they sed. 1 lady tolled 
 us the kangaroo had brought hisself two an ankur & 
 wanted us two gaily him. Another lady sed we must 
 excuse hur rigging which was a little out of order as 
 she had been ketched in a squal. Another 1 sed it was 
 2 hot into our tent & she must go out k blow 
 8* 
 
178 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 When arteemass & me was going down a place calld 
 Weskot Hill, we hearn somebody behind us sing out : 
 " rieeve two ! back yure main-top-sail, and let us range 
 up alongside of you." 
 
 We looked around <k seed 2 wimmin hurrying up 
 two us as ef they hadn't a minnit to live. 
 
 " Hullo !" sez they ; " we've been trying 2 overhavvl 
 yu this 2 ours. Why didn't yu luff up & shake yure 
 sales, or drop yure anchor under foot." 
 
 Arteemass thawt they wanted 2 see the wax figgurs, 
 & he sed " Fifteen scents — children haff price." 
 
 " We want yu 2 gam with us," sez one of the ladys. 
 
 "What's thet?" sez arteemass, hoo begun 2 think 
 they was arsking for a treat. 
 
 " Yu fuggit these fokes air off ilund, & don't no not- 
 ting," sez the other lady 2 hur friend. Then she sez 
 2 me : " Tell yure husband thet we want 2 take yu into 
 our mess to-day ; you'll ete some grub with us, won't 
 you. Dinner reddy at two okklock. Call up in !Meet- 
 ing House street & enkwire for Eunice Cartrite's house, 
 next two Obed Macey's store." 
 
 " Thank yu kindly," sez arteemass ; " we'll sartainly 
 come, <fe we'll reesiperkate yure horseputallity by let- 
 ting you see the wax figgurs & beastesses for 10 scents 
 betwixt you, awl clear gain." 
 
 They smiled like 2 clams opening their shells at hi 
 watur. 
 
HUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 179 
 
 We hurrid back 2 the tent. I put on my black silk, 
 & arteemass he drest up into his best, & we sot out 2 
 find the place. 
 
 Arfture enk wiring of 2 peple, we found the house. 
 It was painted tea green with a red door. The two 
 wimmin was thare, & 3 men. 1 of um was a tall dark- 
 looking yung man with a white cane that was maid of 
 a whale's gawbone, the other two had whale's teeth 
 into thare pockits, & black neck-hankurchurs which the 
 cends was held togethur by rings made of whale's 
 gaw- bones. 
 
 They had on long boots which they sed was Cape 
 Horn boots, <fe about everything we seed there come 
 from round Cape Horn. 
 
 Arteemass was introdoosd two the 3 jentlemen ; they 
 shook bans with him & arsked him ef he had ever 
 struck a whale. 
 
 Arteemass sed he never had thet plezure but he had 
 been upsot into a bote & Betsey Jane [that air me] 2. 
 
 Arteemass pulled out hiz hankurchur & wiped hiz 
 hand with it, as hiz hand felt Greecy arfture having 
 shook bans with the men ; he thawt thare was a smell of 
 lamp ile onto his hand for a hole weak arfturewards. 
 
 They arsked arteemass ef he had ever been round 
 Cape Horn. Arteemass ansurd <fe sed no, but he'd 
 been two noo Orleens, & put up his tent on the cornur 
 of Maggazine & Canal street into the open lot whare 3 
 
180 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 stores was burnt down ; & aftur wards in a place iu 
 Poydras street whare 2 stores had been burnt up ; & 
 awl the big fokes from Carondelet & Prytaina street, & 
 Coliseum Place, & Colonel Baxter's corner come 2 see 
 the wax figgurs, & sed they air so natteral that ef they 
 only winked <fe walked about, they would think they 
 was alive. 
 
 Then the black-looking yung man with the whale- 
 bone cain sed thet wax figgurs w^as nothing 2 a Sperm 
 w^hale which he was biggur than awl of um put togeth- 
 ur, & then he arsked arteemass ef he had ever 
 harpoond a poppus. 
 Arteemass sed " No." 
 
 Then he arsked him ef he had ever ketched a shirk 
 with a crooked spike betted with a junk of pork. 
 " Arteemass sed " No." 
 
 "Thunder & litening !" sez the yung felure; " whare 
 did yu come from ? I spose yu never ketched a skip- 
 jack nor a goney 1" 
 
 Arteemass tolled him he never had thet onor ; he 
 sposed that a skipjack was some kind of codfish, but as 
 for goney, he didn't no whet those air. 
 
 The yung man moved his cheer furthur orf from 
 Arteemass, the other 2 men shook their heads, & the 2 
 ladys sithed & turned up the whites of thare eyes. 
 
 Then sez 1 of the other men * '' I spose y\\ no Mister 
 Sm.ith, don't ve ?" 
 
nUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 181 
 
 '' Which 1 1" sez Arteemass. 
 
 " Why, the 1 thet lives orf ilund, two be shure; yu 
 come from orf the ilund, diddend ye?" 
 
 " Yes, from the mane land," sez Arteemass. 
 
 " Well, then," sez the man ; "^Mr. Smith lives orf 
 ilund, two ; & so yu no him, I dare say." 
 
 " What does he follow," sez Arteemass. 
 
 " He follows his knows, ef he's got 1," sez the man ; 
 " & he's a sea-faring man, of coarse. He's met of a 
 ship, & come in over the bows ; he didn't krawl in at 
 the starn windurs." 
 
 " He's very rite," sez Arteemass ; " I never seen a 
 felure krawling in at a windur but I alius took him for 
 a thief." 
 
 Then the yung man sez : " I spose yu no Mrs. Raw- 
 son that keeps a boarding-house for sea-faring men in 
 Noo Bedford." 
 
 " No," sez arteemass. 
 
 "Flukes & fins!" hollurs out the yung felure; 
 " whare hev yu lived awl yure born days 1 You 
 belong orf the ilund, don't ye f 
 
 " Sartainly — bet I do," sez arteemass. 
 
 " Well, so does Mrs. Rawson," sez the yung felure ; 
 " there's knot a boy into Nantuckit that hi (& he held 
 his hand about 4 foot from the floor) but whet nose 
 Mrs. Rawson. Why, she used 2 be Sally Swaia & 
 lived up by the windmills." 
 
182 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 " Very likely," sez arteemass ; " come to reflcck 
 onto it, it's 1 of the most likelyest things into \\\e 
 world; though I hevn't scene know windmills sense I've 
 been onto the ilund." 
 
 "What doo yu hev eyes for?" sez 1 of the other 
 men ; " knot seen our windmills ! why every skoolboy 
 knows them air." 
 
 The wimmin arsked us into the other rheum, whare 
 dinner was put upon the table. 
 
 We sot down with the remarkablest apetight we 
 ever node. 
 
 There was 3 coarses 2 the dinner. 
 
 The fust coarse was whale-scraps & salt, which it was 
 like sole leather dipt in lamp ile, leastwise arteemass & 
 me diddend parse up our plate for a seckond cut. 
 
 The 2nd coarse was something white with a black 
 skin, in skware junks. They tolled us it air sword- 
 fishes, tho we diddend see know sword. 
 
 The 3rd coarse was poppusses fins & tales, a sort of 
 sticky stuff, but arteemass worrid a little of it down. 
 
 For drink, we had muUassus & water. They called 
 it switchell, «fc gin it 2 us in tin pots thet holt about a 
 kwart apeace. 
 
 Arfture the dinner was over, the 3 men took out 
 short, black pipes, & begun to smoke till the rheum 
 was so dark with tobakkur smoke thet arteemass &; me 
 couldn't see 1 anuther. 
 
HUIi BOOK OF GOAKS. 133 
 
 But, onct into a wile, a voyce would come out of the 
 smoke & say something, & arteemass & me couldn't 
 tell hoo it belonged two. 
 
 At larst, I felt arteemass's hand onto my head, & he 
 wispurd into my year : " Betsey Jane, piclv up yure 
 bonnit, & we'll make our eskape into the smoke, &; be 
 gone be4 they no it." 
 
 So, he reeched me my bunnit, & we opent the door 
 softly, & run out into the street. 
 
 We never excepted a invite arfture thet, & we got 
 orf the ilund as kwick as an induljint providunz would 
 let us. 
 
184 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 THE ITINERANT LECTURER. 
 
 It was 1 hot day into the Dog days in August, when 
 our sosiety was called toggethur on importunate biz- 
 ness. 
 
 When I got 2 the meeting, I found a grate krowd of 
 the fare seek koangregated into the house. There was 
 mourn a duzzen feemails from Smootsvill. 
 
 I'm not much of a cornysewer in men's looks, but 
 when I seen at the desk, sitting by the sighed of our 
 Presidentess, a tawl jentleman with long strait locks 
 falling down behind, & onto each sighed of his face, I 
 knowed he was one of the chosen foo which air sent 
 with a aggressive mission, 2 rijinerrate awl mankind, & 
 espcshelly by mixing the white & black blood together, 
 which it makes a butiful mahogony culleur. 
 
 This jentleman had a long, thin iiice " sikkled oar 
 with the paile caste of thawt," with the exception that 
 the eend of his knows were of a bright red, which it 
 tippified that he was chose for a bacon-lite 2 the na- 
 tions. 
 
 The Presidentess riz up with grate dignitty, &; ses 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 185 
 
 she: ''Ladies of the Wimmin's Rites, this yere pur- 
 sonnage, unto my left, air Mister Rojer Peiifold, the 
 grate Misshunerry in the caws of Truth & Virtoo in 
 jineral. He air come to adress us & giv us a short ak- 
 kount of his labors. He will cawl a meeting, & yu 
 air awl expected 2 giv notiss of it 2 the inhabitanz of 
 Baldinsville, that every 1 may attend. For my part, 
 
 1 am thankful thet I have lived 2 see hiz day — the day 
 of this grate apossle 2 the Gentiles." 
 
 Then Mr. Rojer Penfold riz up & maid a bow to the 
 ladies, & sot down agiij. 
 
 So we awl departed that we might gin notiss. I run 
 & tolled the square & hiz fammily, & they said they'd 
 Siwl be there. The square's wife thawt taking the air 
 would be good for hur helth, & the square's dawter, 
 Prissilla ann, had just got a noo bunnit from the sitty, 
 which she wanted to sho, & so they would awl come. 
 
 The grate speech was appinted for the next Wensdy 
 arftur-noon. 
 
 Now, I've got 2 tell a thing that happent be4 the 
 time arrived for the meeting, & kornsequentially it was 
 be4 Wensdy. 
 
 At the tavyun where the grate apossle got his vittle, 
 there was five or six of the baser sort from up kuntry 
 which they got their vittles there 2, & the apossle tride 
 
 2 instruct them into their dooties^ & he thawt it inkum- 
 bient onto him 2 watch um & see where .they went, & 
 
186 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 what they did, & 2 lissen at the Kee-hole of their room, 
 so that ef he could detect them in saying anything dis- 
 loyal, or doing iny thing korntrary 2 law he could hev 
 them arrested & punisht. That was akkording to his 
 afyf]jressive mission. 
 
 But they ketched him lissening at their Kee-hole 1 
 evening, &, they cotch him by the collar <fc shook him 
 into the extrornaryest manner. He thawt he was 
 going to be a martyr, & he sed he'd done only what he 
 bleeved it was his dooty 2 do. 
 
 When they hearn that, they sed : " Oh ! that alturs 
 the case. Ef yu've only been doing your dooty, we 
 hale yu as 1 of the most uprightest of saints, & we 
 wouldn't hurt yu for a shilling." 
 
 Then he invyted um 2 come 2 the meeting on Wens- 
 dy, (fe they promussd 2 come for sarting. " But, come, 
 most holy sir," sez they, " & take wine with us for bet- 
 ter akwaintunz sake." 
 
 He went into the rheum with them, & they awl sot 
 down 2 a table & called for wine. Arftur they had 
 drunk a little wine toggethur, the apossle felt like 
 making a speech, & whilst he was speaking, the miss- 
 principled heathens filled up the dikkanter with brandy. 
 Whilst he was giving them good advice, they kept 
 reaching him the glass, & he would take a swallow 2 
 cleer his throte, till at last he got kind o' tossicated, & 
 drunk a hole tumbler of brandy without purceeving it. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 187 
 
 He went two bed & slept till the nekst day, till it 
 WRs enermost time 2 go 2 the meeting. Then they cut 
 )rf his long hare whiist he was asleep, &; jest stuck it 
 on with some kind of gloo or something else, so that it 
 would come orf easy, &; they painted a gallus on his 
 Torrid with injy ink, & black spots on his cheeks. 
 
 As soon as it was time for him 2 start, they woke 
 him up, & giv him a glass of likker 2 steddy his 
 lerves, & when he sawn how late it was, he was fright- 
 ened & hurrid orf 2 the meeting as fast as he could go. 
 
 The rascals awl followed arftur him. The Meeting 
 House was crowded with peple from awl parts, when 
 the apossle went in. 
 
 He walked up into the pulpit with grate dignity, & 
 awl the men stomped onto the floor, & the feemail 
 clapt their hands & shook their hankurchurs. 
 
 As soon a^ he turned round 2 the light, everybody 
 seen that their was 2 grate black spots onto his face, 1 
 unto each cheek ; & there was some stranje-looking 
 thing onto hiz forrid. 
 
 I thawt it was some picktur on hiz forrid that was 
 put there 2 illusterate hiz diskoarse, but some of the 
 yung peple larfed out loud. 
 
 Then those heathens that did it, hollured out " gal- 
 lus !" & every 1 seen that, troo enuff, it was a gallus 
 onto his forrid. 
 
188 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 The apossle didn't no what the peple M'as larfing at, 
 (k he begun 2 tell urn it was a verry solium occasion. 
 
 "He's got the gallus onto his kountenunz !" hollured 
 out the square. 
 
 The apossle tolled them 2 keep order, <fe sed that 
 sich words w^as very unproper. 
 
 " But I'm sorry 2 say it's troo," sed the Presidentess; 
 " what maid you put that ugly thing on yure forrid ?'' 
 
 He stared at hur as ef he thawt it was a poor kom- 
 plement 2 tell him he had the gallus on his face, &; he 
 seen that some of the sosiety was larfing at him. I 
 enermost larfed myself, for I thawt he had done it awl 
 hisself. 
 
 He began to get vext, & he spoke very loud, & put 
 up his h-and to scratch his head, &; when he began to 
 scratch, awl his hare come orf, &, it fell down onto the 
 heads of the ladies hoo sot under the pulpit, & they 
 diddend no what it was. So they jumpt up & 
 screeched, & the men larfed loud when they seen his 
 head as bald as a barber's block. 
 
 The wimmin was screeching & the men was very 
 loud in their larftur. The apossle was scared when his 
 hare come orf. He run out of the church, & streeked 
 it for the tavyun, without stopping 2 put on his hat. 
 
 When he got 2 the tavyun & run into the bar room, 
 the men didn't no him, & the landlord thought he was 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 18<) 
 
 a poor manyick that had broke loose from a loonattick 
 asilum. 
 
 But the rascals that did it come in soon, & tolled the 
 peple into the bar-room hoo he was, & how they had 
 done it. 
 
 Then they awl got around the apossle & begun 2 
 larf. He run out & got onto his hoss & cleered out of 
 the village like a streek o' litening, & the sosiety air 
 afeared that he will never come back 2 deliver his leck- 
 tur. 
 
 Onto the nekst day the Presidentess called the meet- 
 ing 2gether, & we parsed resolutions that our grate 
 champin Roger Penfold, had been marturized by sar- 
 ting viliyuns in human shape, but that his sperrit was 
 still marching on. 
 
 Arteemass poked hiz head in at the door, & sed ef 
 hiz sperrit was knot marching on, his body sartingly 
 was, for he had been seen going throo Smootsville onto 
 hiz hoss, as ef the Old Scratch was arftur him. 
 
 I turned & gove arteemass a purcing look when he 
 subzided & left. His fort air wax figgurs, & he alius 
 puts his foofe in when he attempts 2 treet on the grate 
 moral idees of the day. 
 
190 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 THE INCOME TAX. 
 
 It's well none thet me & arteemass air as patriottick 
 as the vane onto Baldinsville Meeting House, which it 
 air alius troo 2 its duty & shoze which way the wind 
 blows. 
 
 But, at the same time, we hev thet cents of gustiss 
 into our boozims that we air very much oposed 2 pay in 
 inymore than what is rite & fare. We wouldn't pay a 
 scent mourn our gust doos becaws that would be rong, 
 & we air peskidly afeared of dooing inything rong, 
 espeshally in that pecooliar weigh. 
 
 When they taxt our wax figgurs & beaslesses, artee- 
 mass (fe me went rite orf 2 the tax man, & tolled him 
 "it was a disloyal act 2 tax our moral exibition, & ef he 
 diddend giv it up we would inform agin him. 
 
 He had the impurdunz 2 say that our concern was 
 taxibble under the law. 
 
 Arteemass tolled him a different story ; G. Washing- 
 ton was 1 of the wax liggurs, & noboddy but a traitor 
 would tax the father of his kuntry. 
 
 The tax mail scd he was glad 2 see that we was so 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. j^^ 
 
 patriottick, & had know dowt we would be glad to pa} 
 the tax, sense it went 2 diffray the expences of the 
 kuntry. 
 
 Arteemass tolled him thet our patriottism were good 
 enuff without taxing or volunteering ither ; let them 
 pay taxes &; volunteer which their patrottism required 
 it ; but he was 2 well none as a patriot 2 require iny 
 sich proofs, &, besides that, he had corresponded with 
 A. Lincoln. 
 
 " When was that ?" arsked the taxer. 
 
 " As much as 2 yeer aggo," sez arteemass ; " I scent 
 him an invite to cawl & look at the sho." 
 
 " What ansur did he send you ?" sez the taxer. 
 
 " He hasn't ansurd" my letter yet," sez arteemass ; 
 " but I'm expecting the ansur every day. '* It's likely 
 he's waiting till some post-office is vacant two put me 
 in as postmarster." 
 
 " Well, yu wait," sez the taxer ; " patience air a 
 good thing, <fe yu've got a first rate oppertoonity for ex- 
 ercising that virtoo." 
 
102 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 VISIT TO BOSTON. 
 
 It's a good many yeer aggo sense me & arteemass 
 went to Boston with our sho & sot up our tent just be- 
 yond Dock Square, a little ways from Funnell Hawl <fe 
 closet 2 the Bite Tavyun. 
 
 As soon as we'd got the tent sot up, a man with a 
 cain come up to arteemass & put hiz hand onto his 
 shoulder, & sez he : " Yu're my prizoner !" 
 
 " What for 1" sez arteemass. 
 
 " Thet cigar," sez the man. 
 
 "Whet of it? It didn't cost yu nothing," sez 
 arteemass. 
 
 " But it'll cost yu five dollurs," sez the man. 
 
 Arteemass was stuclv, which it seemed 2 be that 
 something was the matter with the felure's intrellecks, 
 till he sez : " I'm a constable & arrest yu for smoking 
 a cigar into the streets." 
 
 " I never hearn of sich a thing," sez arteemass. 
 
 " Can't help it — yu must fork over," sez the con 
 stable. 
 
 " Isn't Bunkers Hill somewhare into this villidge ?'* 
 sez arteemass. 
 
HUH BOOK OF GOAKS, 19^ 
 
 "It's across the river yandur," sez the constable 
 " ef the houseii was out of the weigh, you might see it 
 from hear." 
 
 " What did they fite for, over there?" sez arteemass. 
 
 " For liberty, to be sure," sez the man. 
 
 " Well," sez arteemass ; " ef this air the kind o' 
 liberty they fit for, they'd better hev been turning 
 wooden nutmegs or getting up a sosiety for paring 
 niggers' toe-nales, & then they'd hev saved their 
 bacon," 
 
 " Another 5 dollurs," sez the constable; " for speck- 
 ing disrespeckful of our kuUud bruthring." 
 
 I gove arteemass a purcing gaze, <fe tolled him to 
 hand over the 10 dollurs without anuther word. For 
 my part, I was glad to find we'd got into a place whare 
 the principle-s of our sosiety was protected by law, <fe I 
 gove the constable an invite 2 go in <fe see the wax 
 figgurs ; but he sed he couldn't stop as he had ingaged 
 two assist in tarring <fe feathering a dimmokrat, at 3 
 okklock, hoo had insulted the peple of Boston by speck- 
 ing in praise of the constitution 
 
 I seen he was a troo patriot, & I hadn't the hart two 
 detain him, seing he was in a hurry 2 fulfill a solium 
 dooty. 
 
 A little ways from our tent, there was a qurius look • 
 ing veehikkle ; it was a small house on wagging-wheels. 
 
194 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 & onto the outside of it was painted the words : Fine 
 Art Waggon. 
 
 They sed the fine arts was displade into the wagging, 
 & yu must pay 25 scents two go in & ^ee it. 
 
 Arteemass scene a yung man & woman come out of 
 the wagging, &; he arsked um what was 2 be scene 
 inside. But they wouldn't ansur him a word, & the 
 yung woman turned as red as a beat. 
 
 Arteemass didn't like it at awl, as there was more 
 peple went into the wagging than come two our tent, & 
 he sed it was a munnoppoly. 
 
 I didn't like the looks of that wagging at awl, & I 
 advised arteemass 2 keep away from it. 
 
 1 nite, it was about 9 okklock when I mist arteemass 
 from the tent, & 1 was afeard he had got into the Fine 
 Art Wagging. 
 
 I run across 2 it, & put my mouth to the door, & 
 hollurd out ; " Arteemass !" three or four times. 
 
 There was know ansur. Then I tride the door, but 
 it was fassend insighed. 
 
 Whilst I was singing out the name of arteemass a 
 constable come along & ketched holt of my arm. 
 
 " Come along o' me !" sez he. 
 
 " Whet's the matter ?" sez I. 
 
 " You'll find out soon enuff," sez he. 
 
 So he dragged me along the street, up into a stono 
 bilding in Court Street, & shet me up in a dark sullar. 
 
HTTR BOOK OF GOAKS. 195 
 
 I was desput feared thet I had been kommitting some 
 dredful crime without knowing it. 
 
 Onto the nekst morning, I was took up some stone 
 steps into a big room & put onto a little stajing which 
 they said it was a pullice court. 
 
 The dark of the court opend hiz bloo eyes & stared 
 at me as ef he would look me throo, & the juge lookt 
 at me over hiz spectacles as ef I ode him something. 
 
 Then the dark arsked me my name, & I tolled him 
 what it air. He rit it down, & then he got up & red 
 off a paper, that Betsey Jane Ward had " with malice 
 aforethought, & being insuggated by the devil, alarmed 
 the good peple of Boston, & endanjurd the publick 
 morals, in the nite, by loud outcries, exclamations, yell 
 ings, threatenings, cursing, swearing, & with form of 
 arms, bludgeons, swords, pistols, rifles, parrot guns, & 
 torpedoze, broken the publick piece, two the grate 
 terror of the inhabitants of sed sitty, & setting an evil 
 example two awl pursons in like manner oifending." 
 
 Thet's about awl I can remember of it. Then the 
 dark sez : 
 
 " Betsey Jane Ward, whet do yoU say to the indite- 
 ment — air yu gilty or not gilty "?" 
 
 "Not gilty of nothing at awl, in coarse," sez I. "1 
 mist arteemass & suspicioned that he'd got into the 
 Fine Art Wagging, & I jist went 2 the door <fe called 
 arteemass when the constable " 
 
196 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 " Stop — stop/' sez the judge ; " we don't want 2 
 heer awl that." 
 
 Then he tells the offisur 2 take the witness stand. 
 
 The constable held up his right hand whilst the dark 
 of the court swored him to tell the truth. Then he 
 went on to tell of my making a grate racket into the 
 nite. 
 
 Then the juge, he sez 2 me : " Prisoner, this air a 
 very serious komplaint agin yu, & it's time thet some- 
 body was maid an eggzample on, for the morals of this 
 sitty air in great danjur from sich onprincipled pursons 
 wandering around into the nite without iny purtection." 
 
 Then ftiy dandur riz, & sez 1 : "It 'pears 2 me that 
 ef yu air so much kornsarnd about the morals of the 
 sitty, yu'd better look 2 that Fine Art Wagging " 
 
 Then a constable put hiz hand onto my arm & stopt 
 me, & he come closet up & whisperd into my ear. Sez 
 he: 
 
 "Don't say nothing about the Fine Art "Wagging; 
 we no awl about that establishment, but we dassent 
 make an attack onto it for fear of offending the Free 
 Lovers which air very strong into these parts." 
 
 Then sez the judge : " Ef yu've got iny witnesses 
 bring um furrid ; ef not, lissen 2 yure sentenz." 
 
 1 lookt around the court & seen nobody there I node, 
 & was dumb-founded at fust, till the door opened & 
 artccmass come in. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 197 
 
 " Arteemass !" hollurd I ; " air thet yu 1 See what 
 sittovation the wife of yure boozim hev got into." 
 
 Then arteemass went up & spoke to the dark of the 
 court, & he spoke 2 the juge. 
 
 Arftiire they had tawkt toggethur awile, the juge sez : 
 
 " Let her give bonds of two thousand dollurs 2 keep 
 the piece hercarfture." 
 
 Arteemasss went out 2 look for a bondsman, but he 
 couldn't find nobody two give bonds till he tolled um I 
 belonged to the Wimmin's Rites, & then 3 old mades 
 aggreed 2 stand sequrity for me. 
 
 As soon as 1 got out of court, I arsked arteemass 
 whare he was onto the nite that I was took up for cawl- 
 ing him. He sed he was up in Cornhill tawking with 
 a sperrit-mejum hoo wanted an engajement, to perform 
 into the tent, & he liked to hire him, but when the 
 meJLim hearn the wax figgur of G. Washington was 
 thare, he broke orf the bargain & wouldn't purform 
 into a tent whare G. Washington was, as he was a 
 slaveholder. 
 
 When we got back 2 the tent, arteemass begun for 
 two pack up. 
 
 " What air you doing on, arteemass ?" sez I. 
 " I'm going to cut out," sez he ; " it's time to 
 travel." 
 
 " Whet upon urth doo you mean ?" sez I ; " we hev 
 
193 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 but jist put up our tent, <fe now you tawk of cutting 
 out r' 
 
 " Betsey Jane," sez he, in a solium voyce ; " I'm 
 going in sarch of hooman beings, falluble critturs like 
 ourselves : these yere into Boston air superior 2 hoo- 
 man natur. They air 2 perfect for you & me, & it's a 
 kind o' sackeriledge for us 2 introod into this holy 
 place. Betsey Jane, let us make ourselves skurce. 
 This air a place whare cullud pursons air awl gentle- 
 men, & white ones air awl saints. It air know place 
 for us." 
 
 We cut out. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 199 
 
 THE WIT OF BETSEY JANE. 
 
 I WAS sitting into the door of our tent, 1 arfturenoon, 
 tapping a pare of shuze, which they had got wore throo 
 onto the soul. 
 
 A woman that lived into the nabourhood hoo was 
 awful stuck up bekaws hur husband was postmarster, & 
 hooze knows was red on akkownt, as they sed, of hur 
 being 2 fond of likker, come along that way, <fe turned 
 up hur red knows at me as she parsed. 
 
 '* I think," sez she, " that ef I was arteemass Ward, 
 I'd find some better bizniss for my wife than tapping 
 old shuze." 
 
 " Hity tity ! Law suz-a-daisy !" sez I ; 'J I'd ruther 
 be tapping old shuze than 2 be tapping a whiskey 
 barrel." 
 
 She skooted. 
 
 She tolled, some of the naburs that she would hev 
 gin me a blowing up ef I had been hur ekal in social 
 puzzition. I scent hur word thet I spent most of my 
 time in the compinny of G. Washington, & arsked hur 
 ef she could go hire'n that. 
 
200 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 CONFIRMATION STRONG. 
 
 Arteemass Ward, the jentlemen hoo has took me 
 2 hiz tender boozim, air 1 of the most modest men into 
 the world. 
 
 He publishes 2 awl mankind hiz grate sho, but he 
 hev knot tolled mankind, (which it inkloods consequen- 
 tially womankind,) whet hev been said about the grate 
 exibition by the editerial corpse awl over this land of 
 freedom, inkluding Baldinsville. 
 
 It's more kornksewenz whet others sez than whet he 
 sez hisself & as he hev left um out of hiz book thare 
 air more need that I put um into mine. 
 
 Into the fust place, was the editor of the Baldinsville 
 Bugle, which he sez, 2 whit : 
 
 " Once more we feel it our pleasant duty to point the 
 attention of an enlightened public, and the enlightened, 
 loyal, and talented inhabitants of Baldinsville in particu- 
 lar, to the great exhibition of illustrious characters done 
 in wax — the production of that industrious animal, the 
 bee — and the astonishing wild beasts, particularly the 
 
HUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 201 
 
 kangaroo, who alone is worth ten times the price of ad- 
 mission, which has been before the public several years, 
 and drawn forth plaudits which could have been exceed- 
 ed only when Noah made a general muster of all the 
 animals prior to their entrance into the ark ; while, the 
 amount of moral good done the community, and the 
 world of mankind, is incalculable save by the aid of a 
 Newton or a Laplace, accustomed as those great 
 philosophers were to those stupendous estimates that 
 surpass the limited powers of ordinary men. 
 
 " Let us take, for example, the wax figure of G. 
 Washington, dressed, as we are assured, in the same 
 clothes that the original wore when he received the 
 homage of Lord Cornwallis. What youth, what man 
 of middle age, what octogenarian even, fixing his eyes 
 upon that figure, could fail to feel the sublimest emo- 
 tions of patriotism swell his bursting heart ? We cer- 
 tainly believe that had this one figure been exhibited at 
 the South in 1860, there would have been no rebellion. 
 
 " Then, the figure of the pirate Gibbs, with the iden- 
 tical rope around his neck with which he was hung, 
 must afford such a warning to the youth of our country 
 as shall ever after keep them in the path of virtue, and 
 render them obedient to the slightest wish of their be- 
 loved parents. It will also speak trumpet-tongued to 
 the parents themselves : ' Train up a child in the way 
 9* 
 
OQO BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 he should go, and when he is old he will not depart 
 from it.' . - 
 
 • " The Kangaroo, fierce and malignant, also affords a 
 striking example to'young persons, who, witnessing his 
 evil dispositions, will contrast them with the Christian 
 character of the exhibitor himself and his amiable wife, 
 with whom we have the honor of being on terms of the 
 closest intimacy. 
 
 " But time would fail us were we to set forth 
 one half the advantages that will accrue to persons 
 visiting this great emporium of Nature and of Art. 
 To the naturalist, the philosopher, the divine, the 
 student, the lawyer, the merchant, the mechanic; the 
 student of divinity, and all the learned professions in 
 fact, an hour spent at this great exhibition will be 
 invaluable, and may affect their destiny not only in 
 time but in eternity. Solemn thought !" 
 
 Awl thet butiful peace was rit for the Bugle, & 
 arteemass bawt up 25 of the papers which they had 
 it into um, & scent 1 two the President, 1 two the 
 governor, 1 two the sekerterry of state, <fc the rest two 
 awl the biggest people he could think on. The editor 
 of the Bugle, hoo was promist a seizing ticket 2 the sho 
 ef he would rite something nice, sent his boy for the 
 ticket as soon as the Bugle come out with it in, & 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 203 
 
 arteemass sent him a lock of hare from the head of the 
 wax figgur of G. Washington besides the ticket. 
 
 The followering is from the Iron City Spy — 2 whit : 
 " Mr. Arteemass Ward, the distinguished naturalist 
 and savant, is too well known is this vicinity, and to 
 all persons of delicacy and refined taste, to need any 
 introduction by us. Our pen is incompetent to set 
 forth his virtues. * The proper study of mankind is " 
 man,' and no one can study the character of that gentle^ 
 man without rising to superior heights in his knowledge 
 of human capabilities, and the sublime nature of mod- 
 ern ethics ; while his wife is the principal glory of her 
 sex. That such a man should have produced an ex- 
 hibition which astonishes the world, was naturally to be 
 expected. We would say more, but we have just visit- 
 ed the tent, and our feelings overpower us. 
 
 " Any person in the Iron City who fails to visit this 
 great show, must be difeloyal at heart, and should be 
 treated accordingly." 
 
 Thet air pretty good, I take it. I don't see how he 
 conld hev said much more, & arteemass sez he likes it 
 kwite as well as the long 1, for it comes immejutly 2 
 the pint, vfe gives the idee which it air the way it strikes 
 everybody that visits the sho. 
 
 The Scipioville Naturalist prints the followering — 2 
 whit : 
 
204 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 " Wc have just come from witnessing- the exhibition 
 of our friend Ward, which has been opened to the pub- 
 lic since Thursday last. It is without exception the 
 best collection of animals and statuary ever exhibited 
 in this country. The great Barnurn must guard well 
 his laurels. The profound satisfaction which we have 
 derived from a cursory view of Mr. Ward's tasty and 
 elegant assortment of wonders will never be effaced 
 from our memory." 
 
 I hev put in the above notiss jist 2 sho the reeder 
 what lyres some men air. Arfture he had rit this 
 peace, he come to the tent with a duzzin ladys <fe 5 
 small children, & wanted we should give um a free 
 parse as long as we remayned into Scipioville. 
 
 Arteemass tolled him they mite awl go in onct, & he 
 thawt that was enuff, as he hisself had a free parse 2 go 
 in alius as long as he lived. 
 
 But the edditor cullud up as ef somebody had spit 
 into hiz face, <fe he went orf without sayne a word, tho 
 the ladys was very much disappinted <fe the children 
 cride as ef their little harts would bust. Then I went 
 & brawt the children back, & their mothers come with 
 um, & I let um go into the sho & stay as long as they 
 pleezd. They was awl tickled haff 2 death. 
 
 When the nekst Naturalist come out, it contaynd 
 the foUowering — 2 whit : 
 
HUK BOOK OF GOAKS. ^ 205 
 
 " Not wishing to trouble our readers about an affair 
 which is really too insignificant for the notice of a re- 
 spectable journalist, we are bound, ia justice and from 
 our stern regard to truth, to correct some expressions 
 which appeared in our last issue, in regard to a most 
 contemptible and demoralizing catch-penny affiir, 
 brought into this highly moral and enlightened village 
 by a strolling vagabond calling himself Arteemass 
 Ward, whose only claim to respect is the piece of 
 American flag which is disgraced by flying over the 
 door of his ragged and greasy tent. A woman whom 
 he calls his wife tries to elicit the sympathy, or rather 
 pity, of the public by fondling a pair of twins, who do 
 not bear the least resemblance to their reputed father, 
 though they are ugly enough to have been sired by the 
 devil himself. 
 
 " Pity for the starveling brats, and their wretched 
 caretakers, induced us to speak all too favorably of the 
 show in our last issue. We now proceed to make the 
 amende honorable to our highly respected patrons by 
 stating the truth. We don't want to injure even Ihe 
 unworthy, but, painful as it may be to our own feelings, 
 our sense of right, our invincible attachment to great 
 moral ideas, and a conscientious regard to the welfare 
 of the whole public and of the people of this county in 
 a peculiar manner — for, as the poet says : ' a wounded 
 conscience who can bear V these high considerations, we 
 
20G BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 say, will not permit us to weigh the insignificant 
 interests of a few strolling mendicants against those of 
 this enlightened community & the whole world of man- 
 kind. We plant our foot upon the rock of eternal 
 right, and the cloud and the beam which led Israel 
 through the wilderness is our infallible guide. We 
 cannot err with such a leader. 
 
 " We would say, then, of this show, that the figure 
 of G. Washington resembles him as much as we 
 resemble Hercules, but it is a very good likeness of the 
 man who was hauled up before Squire Dairs, the other 
 day, for robbing a henroost. The only, difference is in 
 the wardrobe — that of the hen-thief being in far better 
 condition than the bundle of old rags which insult the 
 father of his country. 
 
 "The animals are half-starved, and we did not see 
 one of them who appeared in a state of health; proba- 
 bly the one half of them will not live a month. But 
 the chief objection which we have to the place is its 
 want of cleanliness, which most exercise a very delete- 
 rious effect upon the public health. If the exhibition 
 is not removed within the week, we will not answer for 
 the consequences. 
 
 " On coming home from the show of this man Ward, 
 we took a large dose of Epson Salts, which, through 
 the mercy of a kind Providence, has thus far preserved 
 us from any serious illness, though certain indescribable 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 207 
 
 feelings admonish us of the great risk which we have 
 run, and the dangers that we have escaped, by a timely 
 appeal to the medicine chest. 
 
 *'But we are not yet done. From intelligence 
 received through a source which we are not permitted 
 to mention, we have every reason to believe that this 
 man Ward is a rebel emissary — a spy in fact, who is 
 actively engaged in striking at the life of the nation ! 
 
 " To pull down his tent and destroy all that it con- 
 tains, would be a slight punishment for his offences if 
 our informant is correct, and we have no reason to 
 doubt that he is a man of undoubted veracity. But it 
 is not for us to counsel a breach of the peace. Although 
 even if the man was hung up to the first tree, it could 
 only be regarded as an evidence of ardent loyalty and 
 patriotism in those who thus defied the law, yet we 
 trust we are too well known in this community to be 
 accused of inciting the people to a popular disturbance 
 even in so just a cause." 
 
 This air the weigh thet the meen skunk rit about us 
 & our grate moral exhibition ; & ef we hadn't cut out 
 from thet villidge, we should hev been confisticated 
 without no dowt. 
 
 But it happent very fortinctly thet the brother 2 one 
 of the children thet I let into the sho, was employed 
 into the offiss of the Naturalist, & he seed the peace 
 
208 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 whilst they were setting it up. He went home &; 
 lolled his mother, & she put on hur bunnit & shawl & 
 run down to the tent & tolled arteemass. 
 
 We packt up & left that very nite, & it was well we 
 did, as we hearn arfturewards thet a grate mob, with 
 pitchforks, & sithes, & pistols, & shot-guns, was onto 
 the spot whare our tent had been standing, urly on the 
 nekst morning. 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 209 
 
 MATERNAL COUNSEL. 
 
 My davvter, Sarah Ann, has got a lituary disposition, 
 & is very like me in thet respect, only a little more so ; 
 she's a chip of the old block, & reads most butiful, & 
 have a romantic turn like me, for I was alius fond of 
 solitude when I was young, & gay dresses, & rings. & 
 jewellery, & going two bawls ; besides awl thet, she 
 sings in the same way as I ucetur, swinging herself in 
 the rocking chair «fe laying her head back, though I don't 
 wonder at those last, for there's so much into it that I 
 spose it tires her two hold it up. 
 
 Sarah Ann air my favoryte dawter, & therefore I hev 
 took more keer two instruct her in the \vay she should 
 go than iny of the rest. 
 
 Says I two her, the other day — it was jist 3 months 
 from her last birth-day, when she was 16 — says I two 
 Sarah Ann, as she was combing hur hare be4 the glarse 
 sez I two hur : " Now, Sarah Ann, you no thet I am 
 yure loving mother " 
 
 " Guess so," sez she ; " hearn it often enufF — must be 
 so, I spose." 
 
 " You air right," continued I, into the same tone of 
 
210 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 effeckshun ; " I am yure beloved parient, more experi 
 eiiced, & older than yourself " 
 
 " Thet part's troo, inyhow," sez she. 
 
 "Now, Sarah Ann, doo you heer me, my dawter?" 
 
 "Spit it out, mother; I hevn't got the ears of a 
 Jackass, but sich as they air, they are at your sarvice." 
 
 " So I kornclude," continued I ; " & now, my dawter, 
 comfoj't & consolur of my declining years, it is your 
 own deer mother thet addresses her discourse two 
 
 you." 
 
 Then she slung hur hare onto her head, chopt in the 
 comb, & soddown into the wrecking cheer with her 
 hands folded into her lap, 
 
 " Lissen two me, Sarah Ann, it air for your own good 
 thet your venerabul parient aip specking two you in a 
 individooal manner, this afturenoon." 
 
 " Go ahead, old boss." 
 
 " Now, Sarah Ann, you know thet you hev arrived 
 at an age " 
 
 Then I stopt two giv hur time two refleck onto whet 
 I had sed. She put a slate pencil in her mouth & 
 begun two chaw^ onto it. 
 
 " Now, Sarah Ann," continued I; " ef you alius take 
 the advice of your beloved parient, you will succeed 
 well into the world, & a Wesson will attend your labors 
 which it is ritten that hiz days shall be long into the 
 land." 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 211 
 
 Then I gave her a purcing gaze two impress onto hur 
 mind those advice be4 I had gone iny further. 
 
 *' You aiut going for two tell me two giv up my 
 draw'ns, I hope," sez she. 
 
 Then I held up my hand, & lade the parm of it 
 gently onto hur apun, as I sed : 
 
 " Don't go for two think thet inything your parients 
 shall say can possibly be into the rong, but only for 
 your own good, my dawter. As for your draw'ns, your 
 paints, your kammil brushes, your injy ink, * your 
 pencils, & your cranes, them air awl the vannity of the 
 young; as Hamlick's unkle says, they air fethers stuck 
 into the caps of a youth. When you grow older, you 
 will be more experienced, & more varchuus of coarse, 
 like your beloved mother. But, I am not a going two 
 purscribe your draw'ns which Mr. Flatterwell, the 
 artist, sez shoze grate tallons into you. It would be 
 very>stranje ef a dawter of mine diddend hav tallons. 
 Indeed it would ; & you espeshually, w^hich you air sed 
 two be the very pickter of thet beloved parient hoo air 
 now addressin you. Yes, dawter, on akkownt of the 
 grate resumblunz betwixt us, it would be enermost 
 blasphemia two say that you haddend got tallons into 
 your drawn's. Ah !" continued I, breething a hevvy 
 'sithe two sho my affeckshun tords my dawter ; " I can 
 remember when I was of your age ; then, I was young 
 & foolish, & so ropoantic into my mind. I went to awl 
 
212 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 the corn-huskings, the peach partys, the hanging-bees, & 
 et more 'lection cake than iny gurl of my heft into the 
 villidge." 
 
 " And was you gallus on picturs, mother 1" 
 
 " Oh ! I was sweet enuff on the fine art," sez I, with 
 a expressif wink of my eye ; " tho, for draw'ns, I never 
 was so great on them as I was on sampling, which 1 got 
 mad with arteemass 1 day, & like to broke orf the 
 match, bekaws when I had made a house on my sani- 
 plar & he seen it, he thawt it was a cow, & took the 2 
 chimblies of the house for the cow's horns. But 
 arteemass was never much on intellectooals, <fe he's 
 nothin but a poor orfin when he's left two hisself." 
 
 "I guess you never had much taste about draw'ns, 
 mother." 
 
 "Never mind that, dawter ; I had other things onto 
 my mind, getting supper for the men fokes, darning 
 storkings, & churning butter, which I could make it 
 come quicker than the hired help. But, no dowt, I had 
 the tallons into me, ef I had only gove up my mind too 
 it ; thet was awl that was wanted." 
 
 " Yes, mother, ef you'd had a turn for it, no dowt," 
 sez she. 
 
 "And now, my dawter, you air of an age, as I sed 
 be4." 
 
 " Oh ! yes, mother, very much of an age," sez she. 
 
 " I'm glad you air censible of it," sez I ; " & now, 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 213 
 
 into the flour of your youth, when your feelinks are 
 tender like the blossoming rose, «fe your sperrits are 
 light, like the parfume of a smelling-bottle, is the time 
 to impress upon your mind the preeseps thet air two 
 gide you into the abyss of youth & the ways of pleas- 
 antness." 
 ' " Well, what shall I do ?" sez Sarah Ann. 
 
 " A grate minny things," sez I ; " you can't be two 
 keerful, a young gurl of your age. You air verry fort- 
 night in heving a mother that nose how to bring you 
 up into the rite path, for man air prone to evil & the 
 sparks flies upwards. You must hev an eye on them 
 sparks. It's a warning two you, my dawter — it's a 
 warning two you, my dawter, two hev an eye onto 
 thoni sparks." 
 
 "I hev an eye onto um during the whole sarvice 
 whenever I go to meeting," sez she ; " & I hev an eye 
 onto um whenever I meet iny of um, espeshully ef they 
 hev a pare of shining black whiskers. Father thought 
 I had too much two say two um, espeshully them thet 
 goes about with their brushes & ^.-^alettes taking like- 
 nesses." 
 
 "My dawter, it's ondutiful of you two throw artee- 
 mass into my face," sez I; 'let arteemass take keer of 
 hiz kangaroo & hiz wax figgurs. " Every 1 two hiz 
 trade' air a good maximum. Arteemass .hev not the 
 Vippassity which Providence hev gove to the wife of his 
 
214 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 boozim, which the feemail mind is adapted to give good 
 advice to others, & then they will never go rong. At- 
 tend two me, my dawter, & never disturb the reveeries 
 of your fother hoo hev hiz own dooty, & kneads my 
 advice as much as you doo. Now, go, my dawter, & 
 let my instructions sink deep into your mind, now into 
 the days of thy youth." 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 215 
 
 THE THUNDEPw STORM. 
 
 The wonders of nachuxe air ^yonderful two look at, 
 espeshally when it thunders <fe litenerings. Then the 
 hole hevings precents the specktacles of a war of the 
 elements. The trees roars like a lyon going about 
 seeking hoo he may devour, the pigs squeels like it was 
 killing time, the river splashes like soap suds & there 
 air a terrible run on the banks, then the hevings awl of 
 a lite blase seems like they would split in sunder, & the 
 rheum air so lit up with the flash that there air know 
 use for the candle as long as it lasts, which it isn't a 
 grate while at onct. 
 
 We lived, 1 seizing, into a big house up kuntry, 
 when there come on sich a thunder storm as never was 
 scene by the oldest inhabitant, hoose sands of life air 
 nearly run out. 
 
 There were a litening rod onto the house at 1 eend, 
 & it run up the side of the chimbly. 
 
 it kept thundering & thundering, till at larst a kiap 
 come with sich vovlence thet it shuk the hole house, tfe 
 
2H] BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 woke up the twins, who sqwawked rite out as ef some- 
 body had hit um onto the h^.ad with a hammer. 
 
 Arteemass thawt we would be more safet down 
 sullar, but I motioned that there were syder there on 
 tap, or something stronger, which it infloounced his 
 jugment. 
 
 I telled him the litening rod was the grate presarver, 
 & the nearer we got 2 thet the more safet we should 
 be. 
 
 Arteemass sed he diddend think so. 
 
 I node it was know use 2 argufy with him, as he 
 was never grate into the intellectooals, else I would 
 maid a caparison. The litening air like a fort in a 
 mjun kuntry ; the nearer you can git 2 the fort, the 
 safeter you air from the injuns. 
 
 I tolled arteemass ef I could git 2 the top of the 
 house, & put my arms around the litening rod, I should 
 feel parfectly safet. 
 
 He shook hiz hed, which it was, of coarse, bekaws 
 their air nothing into it. I sed no more, for I found 
 out, long aggo, that it air of know use 2 argufy with a 
 man like him, which hiz genuis lays in kangaroos & 
 wax figgurs. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 217 
 
 THE ALBUM. 
 
 My dawters took a grate fancy to git holt of some 
 square books, with guilt kivvers, that they called 
 allbums, I never could see iny use into it, tho artee- 
 mass brawt home 1 of um 1 day &; gove it 2 our 
 oldest dawter. 
 
 Now, I'm very pertiklar what sort of books my 
 dawters redes, as I hev the keer of their eddycation & 
 presarve their morruls. 
 
 Therefore, as soon as arteemas was gone out sez I 2 
 the gurl : *' Giv me thet book for 2 nite, & you shall 
 hev it agin into the morning, ef it's awl rite." 
 
 So, she giv me the book;(fe I put it away tile she was 
 ^one 2 bed. 
 
 Soon arfturwards, the Presidentess of our sosiety 
 called in 2 see me about a noo member, which she 
 wanted 2 jine the sosiety, but some objected 2 hur as it 
 was sed she was knot s(»und in the faith, and sometimes 
 let hur huzband hev the last word, 
 
 I told the Presidentess thet I was glad she was come, 
 
 as arteemass had brawt a book home 2 one of the 
 
 gurls, (fe I would like two hear hur opinion onto it as I 
 10 
 
218 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 was very purtildar that nothing of the kind should go 
 into their hands till I had examined it 2 see ef it 
 was a proppur book for the fare seek 2 rede. 
 
 •The Presidentess sed I was rite & she agreed 2 stay 
 till the gurls had gone 2 bed, & then we would look 
 over it together. 
 
 As soon as the children were out of the way, I took 
 out the book & handed it 2 the Presidentess <fe arsked 
 hur opinion of it. 
 
 She opened the book, and kept turning over the 
 leaves without stopping to rede iny thing that was into 
 it. At larst I sez : " What do you think of the book?" 
 
 She reached it back two me, & T opened it, & 
 couldn't find nothing into it but white paper &.two 
 small picturs. 
 
 Arteemass cotch a few that nite, for making a fool of 
 his dawters and the wife of his boozim by bringing 
 home a book that had know reding into it. 
 
 Ef it haddur been april fool day, I wouldn't hev sed 
 a word. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 219 
 
 THE AFFECTIONATE COUPLE. 
 
 . The weather hev been very duburous for a foo days 
 parst. Sometime it reigned, then it snow, then it fruz, 
 then it thaud, & arfture thet it did nothing at all very 
 kewrius, but there's no accounting^for tastes. 
 
 Whilst it was reigning, I had a blessed visit from Mr. 
 Cephas Shawboom & hiz wife hoo is a lady of grate 
 parts every way, & in hur size 2, for she ways 300 
 pounds. They sed they come out 2 try their noo um- 
 berrellar. It air a bloo one, & hev rail walebone sticks 
 & sich a spread 2 it thet they can both bee as komfort- 
 able as pee soop under it. 
 
 When I seed um come into the house I sez : " Now 
 ril put down a chork mark on the chimbly back for 
 sarting, you air like an angle's visit foo &.fur between." 
 
 Arfture Mrs. Shawboom & we had kist each other, 
 & arteemass had cleared out, Mrs. Shawboom tolled 
 me awl hur trubbles. She & hur husband air the most 
 effeckshunate kupple that was ever scene, but Mrs. 
 Shawboom tells me that they hev awful bad nabors. 
 
 1 wouldn't beleeve it ef she hadn't tolled me, but she 
 sez that when she was reproving hur husband for speek- 
 
220 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 ]ug to the landlord's dawter, & looking at hur as ef he 
 admired hur, the fokes hoo live into the house at the 
 other eend of the lane happent 2 heer hur, & they went 
 arouftd the villidge telling every word that she hud sed 
 2 hur husband ; &, another time, when she was express- 
 in hur varchus indignashun bekavvs Sam Purkinses 
 dawter lookt at Bill Wharton awl throo the sarmont, a 
 woman, hoo was into the compinny, had the imperdence 
 2 tell hur it was none of hur bizness hoo the gal lookt 
 at. 
 
 But Mrs. Shamboom sez she air wilHng 2 be a mar- 
 ture in the kaws of varchoo. 
 
 Awl the time Mrs. Shawboom were tawkin', hur 
 husband hev his eyes fixt onto hur face with sieh admu- 
 rashun which it were a lesson for arteemass, hoo don't 
 no what a prize he hev got into the wife of his boozim, 
 like what Mr. Shawboom nose the vally of the woman- 
 kind hoo he has took 2 his hart. 
 
 When arteemass come in two his vittles, which we 
 had pork & beens that day, he & Mrs. Shawboom had 
 a little discourse about poUyteeks, & Mrs. Shawboom 
 tolled him she thawt that there aught 2 be two kings 
 into this kuntry, one of um a man & the tother one a 
 woman. 
 
 Then arteemass sed that ef there was 2 kings, the 
 kuntry wood be divided agin itself, as nobody could 
 doside betwixt the man king <fe the woman king. Then 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 221 
 
 Mrs. Shawboom lifted hur hand & bravvt it down with 
 a whack onto the cheer thet made the cat jump through 
 the winder sash, as she sed : " Yes, sir, there wood be 
 somebody to deside, for the woman king wood deside, 
 & the man king wood hev 2 give in when she put hur 
 foot down." 
 
 I never heered inything so grand as hur tawk, &, then 
 hur husband turned 2 arteemass & sed he : " Ho ! ho ! 
 Friend Ward, 1 think you find your match when you 
 undertake 2 argufy with my wife. She can't be beet. 
 The square air nothing 2 hur; she'll out-tawk him two 
 to one, & you can't heer his voyce at awl when my 
 Ruth gets hur dander up. She's grate into an argy- 
 ment, my wife." 
 
 " That's troo, every word of it," sez I, & then I lookt 
 around 2 see ef the cat had come back, but she was no 
 whares 2 be scene. The poor crechure was skart out 
 of hur 7 census, & the twins hung onto my gownd be- 
 hind so that I was ashamed of um. 
 
 But arteemasss had got enufF, and went orf 2 his 
 kangaroo & wax figgurs. Mr. Shawboom turned 2 
 me & winked when arteemass shut the door arfture 
 him. Then he arsked his wife 2 tell that story about 
 her turning the skoolmarster out of the skoolhouse. 
 But Mrs. Shawboom turned 2 her huzband, <fe sez she : 
 " Hold your tung, Cephas, & don't brake in when I'm a 
 
022 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 tawking, or you may get something you can't digest as 
 easy as a mutton chop. 
 
 Then her huzband shct up rite orf, & didn't open his 
 lips agin. He obade her like a little dog. It was 
 butiful. They air sartainly the most effeckshunate 
 kupple thet I ever scene, <fc I wish thet my arteemass 
 wood take patron arftur um. 
 
 So, Mrs. Shawboom tolled me awl about the nabors, 
 and espeshully about Sally Lyons that went orf to the 
 bawl with Josiah Leverings without arsking hur 
 mother's leaf. 
 
 Then they both left, Mr. Shawboom carrying the 
 umberrellar & walking behind his wife. Sich an effeck- 
 shunate kupple !" 
 
HUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 233 
 
 VIEWS OF TRAVEL. 
 
 Sometimes arteeniass seems 2 get stranje notions into 
 hiz head. He hev been tavvking, a serious of times, 
 about going a broad & seeing the world. He sez thet 
 London is a monstrus sitty, & thet iny 1 dyes a fool ef 
 he hev never scene London. Then, agin, he tawivs 
 about going to France & seeing Lewee Nappolyon & 
 telling him about his kangaroo & wax figgurs. Other 
 times he wants 2 see the grate Democrat of Russia, & 
 then he sez he's bound to see Chiny before he dyes, & 
 Jippan, & Afrikky, & awl them places. 
 
 The square tells him he'd better see the remote parts 
 of his own kuntry be4 he sets out a wool-gathering 
 amonst the crowned heads of Europe. But I tell him- 
 he shan't doo nyther the 1 gnaw the other. When he 
 gets out into them furrin kuiitries, he'll be like a poor 
 orfin, for he's nothing without my advice & acistunz. 
 
 Arteemass will never leaf these parts without I go 
 with him. 
 
 Arteemass sez he wants 2 be like fearless Osmiod 
 
224 • BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 that went orf 2 kalufoniy, &; Mister Columbia that dis- 
 kivvered Amcriky, & John C. Freemount that went up 
 into the mounting like Moses, & Sir Walter Riley that 
 invented Virginny, & Capting Jeemes Cook that dub- 
 bled Cape Horn. But I'll dubble his horns for him, ef 
 
 1 ketch him into going orf & leaving the wife of hiz 
 boozim 2 sithe in dreary lonesomness, &; watch the 
 moon go down, & me iiussin a pair of twins this bless- 
 ed minnit. 
 
 It's rarely seldom that these he creturs nose when 
 they air well orf, & when a man is blessed with sitch a 
 wife as arteemass is, it's a sort of blasphemia for him 
 
 2 tawk of going orf & leaving the same. 
 I shan't hear 2 it ! 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 225 
 
 SHOCKING ACCIDENT. 
 
 It was of a fine April day when my cow was shot. 
 The diseased was jist eleving yeers of age when it de- 
 parted this life from a gun-shot wound, that was fired 
 onto the premises of my abode. 
 
 Arteemass & me was cutting orf turnip-tops into the 
 back kitchen when we hearn a gun go orf. It seemed 2 
 be clost by the house, and we both run out, & seen a 
 little white smoke a moving away down the field that 
 had come out of the gun, but there was nobody in 
 site. 
 
 Then the nabors come running 2 us, & sed : " Look 
 a hear !" So we looked a there, & seen our cow hoo 
 was laying onto the ground & jist breething hur larst. 
 
 I arsked hoo hed done that, & everybody sed he 
 diddend no. Then me & arteemass & awl the rest be- 
 gin 2 search about the place. We. lookt behind the 
 currant .bushes & we seen nothing there. Then we 
 went down to the brook where we scene nothing but a 
 big bull-frog that stuck up his green head & hollurd 
 "Com-ing! com-ing !" But nobody come. 
 
 At larst two of the nabors sarched a dry ditch awl 
 10* 
 
220 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 kivverd over with bramble bushes, & there they found 
 a felure squatted down clost two the ground with a' 
 gun laying be4 him behind a clump of urth. 
 
 They cotch him by the choler of hiz kote & pulled 
 him out of the place & hollurd 2 arteemass &; me. 
 When we come up'^to the place where they held him, he 
 lookt as white as a sheet. 
 
 " Hear he is," sez John Fuller; " hear is the rascal 
 that shot your cow." 
 
 " Yes," sez T, giving the wretch a purcing glance ; 
 " & it's a wonder it haddend been the horse, or artee- 
 mass, or one of the witness, or me that he shot." 
 
 "Well, sed Polly Heartwell, who milks for the 
 square ; " you see now, likes as not, the man's onest 
 arfture awl, & diddend intend to doo the cow." 
 
 " Why, yes, madam," sed the felure, fumbling with 
 the lock of his gun ; " you srce I'm hear. I diddend 
 run away." 
 
 " No, you sarpint !" sed I; " you diddend run away 
 bekaws you haddend time, but you played possum 
 down into the bramble bushes. You must hev had a 
 fine time of it, stuck down there into the mud amongst 
 the lizzuds, <fc snakes, & awl the other quadrupids that 
 infestes the bushy ground." 
 
 " Now the man's hear, perhaps he intends two pay 
 for the cow," sez Jeemes Valentine ; " the man looks 
 onest enuff." 
 
HUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 227 
 
 And so he did ef trimbling like a leave air iny sign 
 of onesty. 
 
 " How upon urth did you contrive 2 shute my cow," 
 sez I ; " leastwise you did it a-proppus ?" 
 
 " In coarse, I didn't doo it a-proppus," sez he ; " it 
 were ontirely a aksident." 
 
 "How could you doo it -by aksident?" sez I. 
 
 " Why, madam," sez he ; " your cow warn't no- wise 
 diffikilt 2 hit, as she's a pritty big mark." 
 
 " Oh ! you keerless booby !" sez I ; " You aught to 
 be well trounced for this." 
 
 " I've got as good relashuns as inybody into Baldins- 
 vill," sez he; "there's Mr. Byrd was my uncle, & 
 there's—" 
 
 " Your relashuns don't doo me know good," sez I , 
 " what I want air the pay for my cow, & you don't leaf 
 the spot till I get the worth of the" animile in good cur- 
 rant munny." 
 
 " Oh ! the man's on est — you can see thet," sez one. 
 
 " Yes, the man's onest," sez another. 
 
 "What's h'ls onesty to me? Will thet pay me for 
 my cow f sez I. 
 
 "My relayshuns air as good as them that blows me 
 up," sez the felure. 
 
 " Yes, the man's onest," sez a nigger wench, looking 
 at him as ef she'd node him from a infant. 
 
 "Then it's time I seen the kullur of his munny," sez 
 
228 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 I ; " ef the man's onest why don't he pay me for my 
 cow." 
 
 "You see I didn't try to run away," sez he; "as 
 thet lady sez, I stayed about hear onto the ground." 
 
 " Yes, you was onto the ground, you pesky good-for- 
 nothing tode — hid down amongst the bramble-bushes 
 like snake-into-the-grass. Pay me for my cow !" 
 
 The felure turned & twisted, & played with his gun 
 & diddend no what 2 doo with hisself ; then 1 node he 
 haddend got the munny, & that maid me madder than 
 ever, & jist as I was about two split onto him wuss 
 than ever, John Boyle, the big butcher, come up, & 
 offurd 2 take the cow orf my hands ef I'd say know 
 more about it. 
 
 Arteemass sed we'd better let John hev the cow, ef 
 he'd send back the animil's hide. So, arftur giving the 
 shuting felure a purcing glance, & toUd John 2 take the 
 cow & he aggreed two pay the worth of it, & I went 
 into the house. 
 
 It seems that Mary Boyle the butcher's dawter — a 
 bucksome, romping crittur with big black eyes — had 
 took pity onto the felure that shot the cow, & went & 
 maid hur father buy the cow. The felure purseeved 
 awl that, & Mary's black eyes went right 2 his hart so 
 that he couldn't rest nite nor day till he'd popt the 
 question. She snapt him rite up, & they was married. 
 
 As for arteemass, as soon as he got the cow's hide, 
 
DUIi BOOK OF GOAKS. 229 
 
 he stuffed it awl nice, & put it into the sho & exibited 
 the crittur as the Bull of Missouri. Somebody tolled 
 him that was the name they gove 2 Tom Benton, the 
 father of our Jessie. Arteemass sed that maid know 
 odds, for ef he never noo before that the Bull of Mis- 
 souri was a man, very foo others wood no it. 
 
230 BETSEY JANE WAKii 
 
 A WANDERL\G MINSTREL. 
 
 When we were exibiting down into Massychoosets, 
 at a. place called Grafton, we had an old man come by 
 the tent in gray close that was ragged & a hat reddy 2 
 drop 2 pieces. 
 
 He was old, & he wawkt with a long cain crooked at 
 the top, he stooped over, & the shape of his back was 
 like the top of a hoop, his hare was long & gray, & his 
 cheeks were rinkled like a pare of belluses ; his head 
 trimbled as ef it was loose onto his shoiders, & might 
 drop orf some day. 
 
 There was a spring neer our tent onto the oppuzzit 
 side of the rode; he M'ent over 2 the spring, he pulled 
 a big shell out of his cote pocket, & bent over the 
 spring & ladled up his shell full of water & drank it. 
 Then he hawld an old cotton hankercher out of his hat 
 & wipt his mouth, & sot down onto the' long green 
 grass & fecht a hevvy si the. 
 
 He turned his face tords the tent ; he seen me look- 
 ing at him, he turned away his eyes <k lookt down. So 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 281 
 
 I purseevd that he diddent want 2 be lookt at, he had- 
 dent know ambition to *be " the obsarved of all obsar- 
 viirs." 
 
 So I lookt at him from behind the canvass, throo a 
 hole, & sawn him take out a crust of bread & soften it 
 in the water, & then he began to ete. He sot there a 
 long time ; it was a fine day & the sun shined out brite, 
 the burds was hopping, about galorius, <fc they sung 
 their songs as ef they were working by the job. 
 
 I wondurd what that old man cood be thinking about. 
 Nobody keerd for him <fe so he keerd for nobody, were 
 the idee that run into my head. * His branes must be 
 awl dride away, his feelinks must be awl evappurrated, 
 those hart must hev seized two feel, he jest lived like a 
 ded tree onto the urth that produses know froot, & 
 was know good to hisself gnaw to noboddy elce. 
 
 But arteemass went down to the spring for some 
 water two give the wild beastesses, & he spoke two the 
 old man, & the fust I node he & the old felure was 
 heading for the tent, tho I thunk to myself, "we don't 
 keep a place for the lazyrony." * 
 
 The old man aught two took orf hiz hat two me, as 
 I'm 1 of the fare seek, but he only nodded hiz head. 
 He sot down onto a big stone by the door of the tent, 
 & arteemass got him two sing a song. He struck up 
 " Brave Woolfe," how he was shot down be4 Quebeck, 
 onto the Planes of Abraham be4 the sitty, but he sed 
 
232 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 nothing about Lot's wife hoo must have been round, at 
 that time, nor the fire and brimstone thet rained down, 
 only that 
 
 He lift up hiz head where bullets rattle 
 Aud sez he, how goes the battle ? 
 
 It don't say whether be got a telegram from home 
 be4 he dide. The purtickulurs of thet histerry is verry 
 luce. 
 
 The peeple begun two grumble into England, & 
 thawt Woolfe was no grate parsnips ; when he hearn of 
 it, he put in awl he noo, &, that way, he come to hiz 
 death, which woodent hev happent ef he'd got a substi- 
 tute & hired a niggur two doo hiz fiting. 
 
 He fit in Cannydee. They was Frenchmen then, & 
 I kornclude that Woolfe was kilt becaws he dident 
 know how too fiite in French, heving only had a Eng- 
 lish eddukashun. 
 
 When the old man had dun hiz song, arteemas gin 
 him a spoonful of Noo England rum, & arsked him hiz 
 , name. He sed hiz name was Brown, & he used to own 
 a farm, but he got two speckuUating into eastern lands 
 &, lost everything. Arfture that, he jined a party 
 called the Town Poor, &, every yeer, he was sold two 
 somebody that was pade a sarting sum of munny for 
 keeping him, & hoo maid up the diffrunz by gitting awl 
 the work out of him that he could doo ; but, lately he 
 gin out, <fc could doo know more work ; so they took it 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 233 
 
 oat by making him sleep in the shaze-house on straw 
 & allowing him moldy bread &; water for hiz meels. 
 
 He was sold the last time for a hire price than ever, 
 only the seller, & not the buyer, pade the price. 
 
 " They tawlv about this krewel war," sez the old 
 man ; " & they say what a pitty it air that so minny 
 yung men air cut orf into the prime of life; but, I tell 
 ye, there's minny a poor felure thet will come out of 
 this war with a hole skin hoo will live two wish that he 
 had lade his bones into hiz mother urth, into his young 
 days & the flour of his youth. Ef they don't, they'll 
 be more fortnight than the dekrippit old cretur that 
 stands be4 you now." 
 
 Then I giv the old cretur a purcing glance, & sez I : 
 " Tut ! tut ! old man, you hev know rite two grumble 
 at the ways of Providunce; you aught two be rezined 
 to whatever happens two you, Ss be thankful it's know 
 ^vusser, which it's done for some wise purpus, know 
 dowt." 
 
 " Know worse !" sez he ; " pray, madam, hev you a 
 home of your own 1'* 
 
 " Yes," sez I. 
 
 " Wait then," sez he ; " till you've seen your home- 
 stead parse into the hands of stranjurs, &; your children's 
 graves plowed up two make room for planting a few 
 more colonels of corn. Wait till you make a home 
 with stranjers, in your old age, hoo begrude you the 
 
234 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 very apple-parings thet you eat, & the straw upon 
 which you stretch your aking bones at nite. Wait till 
 3'ou are sold like a piece of old carrion in the shambles, 
 thet those hoo hev bawt you- turn up their noses at 
 you as they take you away, children gape at you as 
 you parse their doors, & the very dogs air two well fed 
 twe share your dinner ; & when you dye, there will be 
 joy instead of sorrow thet 1 more burden has been 
 lifted from the sholdurs of the wealthy. Wait till you 
 see those days, madam ; wait till you air 1 of the Town 
 Poor, & then come two mo & tawk of rezignashun, & 
 grumbling at the will of Providunz, & I'll listen 2 you 
 with all my hart, for you will be a mirrikle then." • 
 
 I do hate to see a dissatisude person, & seeing that 
 sich was hiz voo of things, I sed no more two him, 
 that he might take the hint & cut out as quick as poss- 
 ible. 
 
 So he kind o' wiped hiz eyes with hiz sleeve, & turned 
 orf. Jist as he got as far as the kornur of the tent, 
 our dog Jewel gove a jump at him <fc bit a piece out of 
 hiz leg. 
 
 I called Jewel back & arsked him if he warn't 
 ashamed two bite a man that was older than hisself. 
 
 " Never mind," sed the old man ; " don't blame your 
 dog, Madam ; he knows it's nobody but the town 
 poor." 
 - Then the old felure travelled orf, for he'd got a good 
 
nUR BOOK OF GOAKS. ' 235 
 
 ways to go be4 he got home. I was glad to heer he 
 didn't live in Grafton, for I was shure the fokes that 
 had the findinsj of hiz vittles couldn't afford two coma 
 & see the wax figgurs. 
 
230 ' BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 THE PIir.ENOLOGIST. 
 
 Mr. Batty come into our parts two leckchoor on 
 frinnology, that was two tell the peple what they was 
 by looking at their heads. 
 
 Arteemass sed he would take me, as he wanted to 
 find out what sort of a wife he had got. [ tolld him I 
 didn't keer to find out what sort of a huzband I had 
 got, as I node already, & diddn't want to know any 
 more of the same sort. 
 
 But I thawt I wood jist see what the frinnology man 
 wood say about me, as I alius node I must hev a fust 
 rate head. When we got into the lecktur rheum, we 
 found everybody there. I went & sot down by the 
 square's wife, & she enquired arfture the twins, & tolld 
 me that Josire Byrd's wife was going two giv a party 
 in hopes two work orf hur dawter Jane hoo w^as old 
 enuff two be marrid. They had hopes of ketching the 
 minister's son. 
 
 The leckchoorur stood behind a desk, & there was a 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 237 
 
 white hed be4 him, onto the desk that had figgurs awl 
 over it, & they sed it was maid of plaster-parris. 
 
 He begun to tawk, & used a heep of long words that 
 I can't remember. But I couldn't kornseeve how he 
 could tell what was inside of peple's heds by feeling of 
 the outside. 
 
 Arfture he'd got throo with hiz tawk, he arsked 
 somebody 2 come up & show their hed. I jumpt up, 
 but a pesky gurl named Susan Smith sot nearer than 
 me, & she got there be4 me. 
 
 I gove hur a purcing gaze two let hur no that I 
 notissd hur capurs, & then the leckchoorur begun two 
 paw over her hed. Sez he : " You hev the amiable 
 quallities fust rate." 
 
 As soon as Batty was done with hur, I jumpt up 
 aL'in, but a young man got there be4 me. Think of a 
 felure acting this way 2 a feemail hoo was old enuff 2 
 be hiz mother ! 
 
 Batty felt of the young man's hed a little while, <fe 
 then dropt him like a hot puttatur, & sez he : " My 
 friend, you lack 1 thing very much, & that is fme-tooth- 
 combitiveness. I advise you two cultivate thet senti- 
 ment as much as possible." 
 
 " Who comes next ?" 
 
 Then everybody larfed, & whilst they was larfing, 1 
 got up (fe went two the desk. I took orf my bunnit & 
 
238 BETSEY JANE WAR 
 
 laid it onto the desk, & everybody lookt up two see 
 what sort of a hed the frinnologist wood give me. 
 
 Batty begun 2 feel of my hed, & sez he : " You've 
 got grate combatturness." 
 
 " What's that ?" sez I. 
 
 " Why," sez Batty, " ef you seen inybody abusing 
 
 your husband, for instunz, you'd like to punish him for 
 
 it." 
 
 " How about the twins ?" sez I. 
 
 " Ef inybody abused your children," sez he; "you'd 
 be as indignant as a tigress robbed of hur whelps." 
 
 " W^helps !" sez I ; " my children whelps ! My 
 twins air like whelps, you say 1 I could scratch your 
 eygs out. Arteemass, do you heer that. Now I don't 
 bleeve you no iny thing about frinnology — I don't 
 bleeve I've got iny of your combattureness nor no- 
 thing " 
 
 Here the aujience awl began two larf so loud that I 
 couldn't heer myself tawk &, 1 man hollured out : 
 " This is frinnology exemplifide. 3 cheers for the sho- 
 man's wife. Go in. Batty, you've hit the nale onto the 
 hed this time." 
 
 But, I woodent heer another word, & I put on my 
 bunnit & run down the ile two where arteemass sot, & 
 sez I : " come, arteemass, less get out of this place as 
 quick as we can ; I'm going home. My twins whelps!' 
 
 Then I shook my finger at Batty & sez : " Look out 
 
HUE BOOK OF G0AK3. 039 
 
 young man, you've got to pay for calling my children 
 whelps, hear before awl this aujience. It's deffimation 
 of karaktur!" 
 
 Then the aujience haw-haw'd rite out, & I cut as fast 
 as I could, followed by arteemass. 
 
 We streeked it for home, & that's the last frinnology 
 ever I went two. My twir.s whelps ! 
 
240 BETSEY JANE WARD. 
 
 THE ACTOR. 
 
 It was a plessant day into the month of October 
 ■when arteemass & me was seated at the door of our 
 tent looking for customers, that there come along a 
 flashy chap, with pantilloon straps so tight that they 
 most Ufted him orf the ground. 
 
 When he come opperzit two the tent, he kind o' hafF 
 stopt & looked over our heads which it gove us a fine 
 view of his chin & neck-hankercher. At larst he took 
 2 steps tords us, stretched out his arm like a pump- 
 handle, & sez : " Is it a circus that I see be4 me ?" 
 
 " No, it's a tent," sez arteemass; "will you come in 
 «fe see the wax figgurs ; got a fust rate Kangaroo — only 
 15 scents two see the whole!" 
 
 He struck the parm of his hand onto his weskit, & 
 sed : "It air my custom two entertane, &; not to be en- 
 tertaned, I am of the socks & buckshin :" 
 
 So arteemass jumpt up <fe lookt at his fine close <fe 
 noo boots, <fe he begun two feel skart with respect, & 
 sez arteenn-iss : " Hoo hev I the oner 2 address ?" 
 
 "My name's Peter Brown," ansurd the young man. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 241 
 
 *' Ah ! yes," sez artccmass ; " I'm so badly posted at 
 prezzent that I'm quite oblivyus of our grate american 
 trajeedins — hevn't scene a play-bill this 6 munce — hope 
 it's no offense, sir. Raly I'm glad to see you." 
 
 " Take a fingur," sez the grate actor; poking out the 
 four-fingur of his glove to arteemass. 
 
 Arteemass took holt of the finger & gove it a little 
 squeeze, <fc sez he : " You play in the city no dowt 1" 
 
 " When I play at awl," sez the actor ; " at prezzent, 
 like minny others hoo shook the world with their jeen- 
 yus, I labor under a lack of appreeshiashun." 
 
 " You lack appreeshiashun !" sez arteemass, hoo was 
 afeerd he w'anted two borro his boss ; " what's that, sir ? 
 With munny, you no " 
 
 " Tush, friend !" sez the actor ; " with munny I cood 
 by a house, I no ; but I wish two be indetted two my 
 own jeenyus for sukcess." 
 
 " Then, why don't ye *?" sez arteemass. 
 
 " Ay, that's the word," sez he ; " that brings us two 
 the pint at onct — lack of appreeshiashun." 
 
 " Then, why don't you get that air ?" sez arteemass. 
 
 " Old man !" sez he ; " you take me not — the wind 
 sets into the roug qwarter ; yet, I dur say, when it is 
 Sutherly, you no a hock from a hansaw. I am not 
 appreeshiated, sir. That is 2 say my talons air over- 
 lookt — I am underrated. Envy, oldest baron of hell, 
 snnp? at me, jelhfssy is like a worrum i' the bud, tfc 
 11 
 
242 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 wile the grass grows — fuugh ! the proverb air some 
 what musty. Thiiilv you, imperial Cesar lookt this 
 way ? Alas ! poor Yorick !'' 
 
 Then I seed he was a grate actor, & I arsked him ef 
 he wouldn't hev a bit of dinner. 
 
 "Hunger — thirst — poverty — awl, awl air less than 
 nothing two the ambishus sole." sez he ; " had it pleezd 
 heving 2 steep me in poverty 2 the very lips — Per- 
 dition ketch my sole, but I doo love thee ! Blistured 
 be thy tung for the word, he was not born for shame — 
 Hah !" 
 
 I looked at arteemass two see what he was sroinfr 2 
 doo about it. 
 
 " Ef I take your idee,", sez arteemass ; " they don't 
 give you mutch two doo into, your line?" 
 
 He waved his hand, & turned up his knows, &; razed 
 his eyebrows. 
 
 " Pshaw !" sez he ; " they air incapable of distin- 
 guishin a preshus jule from a grain of barley, like le 
 cog grattant sur un fumierT 
 
 " When did you play last ?*' sez arteemass. 
 
 " Ask me not." sez the actor ; " lest you stir the bile 
 within me. They think I lack gall 2 make oppression 
 bitter." 
 
 " I don't no nothing about your galls, nor yure jules, 
 nor your bailey, nor your 'preeshiashuns" sez arteemass; 
 " but ef you're good for inything at your trade, I korn- 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 243 
 
 elude you mite find something two doo at it where the 
 theayturs air." 
 
 " Igrunz — stupid igrunz !" sez the actor ; " consult 
 the lower of the classicks, old man, the lurnid lower, & 
 what see you there ? Was Kullumbus appreeshiated ? 
 Was Fitch appreeshiated 1 Was even Saint Peter ap- 
 preeshiated when he was crucifide with his head hanging 
 down ? Was iny grate jeenyus ever appreeshiated, 
 from Chatterton two Poe, till the saxon duij a p-ulf be- 
 twixt him & the girdon that the repentant public held 
 out 2 him ? They're grate at crowning corpses, this 
 yere public, & a death's head with a laurel wreath onto 
 it air a-simble of poppulur appreeshiashun." 
 
 " I never seed none of um," sez arteemass ; '* them's 
 the iiatomies into the doctor shop thet you're tawking 
 about. I never seen none on um with crowns on, dead 
 nor alive. You must -be a forrinner ; jou're uset two 
 the crowned heads of Europe. W^e've got none of 
 them air into this kuntry." 
 
 "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown," sez he; 
 "Madam, 1 salute you & depart. Adieu !" 
 
 As soon as he was gone, arteemass fell into a brown 
 study, & I thunk we mite hev maid a gray deel of 
 munny by getting him 2 speek his peeces into the tent. 
 At larst I arsked arteemass what he was thinking on. 
 
 " I'm thinking," sez he ; " what cussid fools taylors 
 i*ir, (fe how easy sich felures as thet can come orer um." 
 
244' BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 A REMARKABLE INCIDENT. 
 
 Larst night, when I retired 2 the arms of Morfuous 
 2 take my usual rippose, everything seamed parfeckly 
 rite, & I seen nothing going on of a ornery nachor ; but 
 when I woke up this morning, I found a vacancy in the 
 tent, of 1 hooman being, 2 whit arteemass, & the follow- 
 ing letter laying onto the table : 
 
 My deer Betsey Jane : — Now don't take on & think 
 hard of your beloved husband, for some things hap- 
 pens as well as. others, & agrey deel more so. 
 
 I've tawkt 2 you a long time about going onto my 
 travel 2 pick up informashun & get some kewriositiee 
 for the sho, & you hev sed I shouldn't go, & that you 
 woodn't never giv your kornsent, so that I've been 
 obleeged 2 doo it kind o' promiskus like, & two hev my 
 travellin gear got reddy up at the tavyiirn, so that I 
 cood start from there urly into the morning without 
 disturbin' your rippose, as you never liked two be broke 
 of your natchooral rest be4 sunrise into the morning. 
 
 I hope you'll own arfture thJM that I've got some del- 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 245 
 
 likissy arfture awl, sense I've been so keerful not two 
 disturb your sleep, & hev gone orf quiet as a lamb. 
 
 Some ornery peple mite sey that I aught two tolled 
 you I was going, & bid you fair well when I left ; but 
 I hope I'm not tliat hard-hearted creetur that wood hev 
 woke you up 2 pain your feeling hart with the nooze 
 that your beloved arteemass were settin out onto a long 
 gurney. I coodn't think of that, & I coodn't hev bore 
 two witness the tender intervoo that wood hev took 
 place betwixt us on the effecting okkasion. It wood 
 hev been 2 much for my feelinks 2 witness your greef 
 at parting from your beloved artemus, & there4 I went 
 orf without disturbing your artless & blissful slumbers. 
 
 It's quite bnsartain how long I shall be gone, & you 
 needn't right me a letter till you heer from me, as you 
 won't no where I am, <fe tho I'm well known about Bal- 
 diiisville, the postmarster won't exackly no how 2 git 
 onto my trail without the rite direckshun. 
 
 I needn't tell you 2 take good keer of the twins & of 
 the sho, as you'll doo that as well as T cood myself; & 
 it's a grate kumfort, on leeving home, 2 no that 1 is left 
 behind hoo nose how 2 take keer of the wax fi^jgurs, 
 the kangaroo, & the twins. 
 
 You will be delited 2 learn that I'm in fftst rate helth 
 & sperrits in setting out onto my gurney, <fe never felt 
 happier into my life. That's becaws I've got so much 
 
246 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 kornfidunz into you, Betsey Jane, & no that you'll take 
 fust rate keer of things wile I'm gone. 
 
 I shall think of you Mile I'm away, awl about the 
 butiful times we've had together & the plezzunt <fe 
 amyable dispersition that you've alius shode tord me, 
 & that'll giv me kurridge two travel with the more 
 speed, & 2 go amongst those clime whitch air among 
 the aunt Tippodees, knowing I shall hev your prayers 
 for my welfair & safet return. 
 
 I've now took this way two bid you fjiirwell, as I 
 couldn't bare the hart-rending seen of a pursonal inter- 
 voo & lissen two the tender anksieties that you wood 
 express for my safety, tho I don't think there's iny 
 danger as it's only every other steamer that gets blowed 
 up in going down the Massysippy, & the cars don't hev 
 a collishun mourn three times a weak, & you no I was 
 alius lucky in the lottery; so, I hev a reezonable hope 
 that I shall be 1 of the fortnight for that don't get 
 scalded, or his head caved in by them acksidence. 
 Yours two sarve, 
 
 Ai^TEEMAs Ward. 
 
 I jist had pashunce enuff to get throo the reeding of 
 this letter, thb I was on nettles awl the time, &, as soon 
 as I was done, I put on my bonnit & run rite up two 
 the tavyrn. I busted into the bar rheum, & found the 
 land Lord at home. He node what was cumming, &; 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 047 
 
 he doged his head down behind the bar ; but he was 2 
 late, for I had ketched sight of his ugly mug. 
 
 " So," sez I ; " you air the man that helps a husband 
 away from his wife, with your plottins & contrivins. 
 It's into this house that the whole thing was arranjed as 
 I'm creditably informed. Now, jist bring out that 
 grey mayor of yourn & put the side-saddle onto her, <fe 
 giv me the direckshun which arteemass hev took, or I'll 
 make this yere villidge two hot 2 holt you." 
 
 Then he popt up his head & shode hisself 2 my yoo, 
 & begun to purtest thet he was as innercent as the on- 
 born child, <fe bleeved thet arteemass w^ere only gone 2 
 Smootsville 2 get an advertisement put into the paper. 
 
 " You know better, you vilyon," sez I ; "no more 
 words about it, but bring out your boss !" 
 
 When he seed I w^as dead arnest, he found that he'd 
 got 2 obey my orders, for he was afeard I'd hev him 
 up for kornspeeracy to kidnap my husband from me. 
 
 He brought out the mayor & put the side-saddle 
 onto her, & gove me the direckshun what arteemass 
 had tool^. 
 
 I got onto the saddle & went thro thet villidge two 
 up & two down, making the dust fly & the peple thro 
 up their windurs, into every direckshun, 2 see what was 
 the matter. I kornsidur that everybody seen some 
 tall travelling that morning. 
 
 I ci'ost the rail-road tract onto the jump about 2 
 
248 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 seckonds be4 the injine parst the s<ame spot, <fe I bleeve, 
 akkorcling.2 all akkounts, that my hoss's tale brushed 
 the injinear's face as he went by. 
 
 Artcemass node I wood never kornsent 2 his going 
 orf. I'd told him so a hundurd times. He'd begged & 
 begged, & I had alius said " No ;" & now, the idea thet 
 he should go orf into that sly way — oh ! woodn't I giv 
 it 2 him when I ketched him ! 
 
 I rid & I rid, & the housen & fences seamed two be 
 awl running the other way. That mayor never pulled 
 foot be4 as she did that time ; she seemed 2 n© that 1 
 of hur seek had been cheated, & she did accorduntly. 
 
 Whenever I parst inybody onto the rode, they turned 
 their heads to look, & I was getting on finely, & should 
 hev ketched arteemass ef some onery cuss in the vil- 
 lidge of Brandon, haddent razed a report thet I was a 
 reble spy hoo was running away from justiss. Then 
 about 50 patriots gove chace 2 me, some on bosses, 
 some into waggins, & some on foot. 
 
 The mayor had got kind o' limpy by thet time, & I 
 seen they wood ketch up with me, & so I stopt just to 
 explain the facts, but they come up and hauled me rite 
 orf the boss & woodn't hear a word, but shut me up in 
 prizzun, & two briggadears swore they'd scene me into 
 Loosianny nussing rebel sogers mourn a duzzen times. 
 
 But I sent a note to the square, into Baldinsville, hoo 
 come & got me out. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 249 
 
 A DOUBLE LOSS. 
 
 Ao soon as I come out of prizzim, I lookt around for 
 the gray mayor, & found that two patriots had confis- 
 cated hur <fe carried hur off two parts unknoon. 
 
 I maid a grate adieu about it, & scolded the peple 
 that took me 2 prizzunur for not keeping my hoss in 
 safety for me, but they sed that when a purson was 
 took up (fe suspicioned of disloyalty, he ought to think 
 hisself lucky two get orf with a hole skin, whether he 
 was gilty or not, without expecting to see his propperty 
 into the bargain ; <fe they said that mine was the first 
 case where any one that was akkewzed had ever got 
 cleer. - 
 
 " But that don't pay me for the hoss, nor punish the 
 thiefs that stoled him," sez L 
 
 " Mind how you tawk !" sez they ; " the men that 
 took your hoss air good loyal men, & ef you call them 
 hard names, you can be tride by a milletary com- 
 mishun for ading and abeting the inimy & striking at 
 the life of the nation." 
 
 So, I thawt of the twins and korncluded it was the 
 
250 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 safest plan 2 treet them with silent kuntemp, &; I gove 
 them a purcing glance, & got into the shaze & rid back 
 2 Baldinsyille with the square. 
 
 I haddend been at home long be4 Sarah Ann come 
 &; toUd m.e that the land Lord of the tavyun had kawld 
 2 see me, 
 
 " What's your wish ?" sez I, when he come into my 
 presence, holding his hat into his hand. 
 
 " The mayor," sez he ; " of coarse she is safet ; will 
 }ou tell me w^here she is, & into hoose kusstoddy you 
 hev left hurl" 
 
 " Well, I gis they can tell you hoo has got hur, ef you 
 enkwire down in Brandon," sez I; "they telled me thet 
 2 loyal men had got hur & karried hur orf, but they 
 diddent eggzackly no where the men lived. Praps 
 they can tell you the men's names, ef you enkwire into 
 Brandon." 
 
 " Thunder, madam ! thet hoss of mine is stoled !" sez 
 he ; " you'll pay for that hoss, madam — you'll pay for 
 hur individooUy, you will." 
 
 " Not ef my name's Betsey Jane Ward," sez I, giv- 
 ing him a purcing glance ; '^I took the hoss for a sar- 
 tin purpus& had no hand into steeling hur. You got> 
 away my husband arteemass Ward, you helped him to 
 run away from his better haff, and hev turned thet 
 poor, good-for-nothing orfin loose upon this cold world 
 like a sheep without a shepherd, & now arftur you've 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 251 
 
 robbed me of my husband, you come making a um- 
 brajus clatter about your boss, which I never seen him 
 arfture I was shut .up in jale. You'd best two go & 
 sarch amongst the mountings for your mayor, & ef you 
 happen 2 find my husband two, you can bring him back 
 at the same time." 
 
 " Ef there's iny law into the kuntry, I'll parsecute 
 you on akkownt of it," sez he ; " in the fust instunz, 
 you took hur away by fours in arms & boddily fear, & 
 there4 an action would lie " 
 
 " Yes, I know you can lye," sez I ; " for you tolled 
 me that arteemass was gone two Smootville & that he 
 would be back be4 nite. Ef you beleeved that, why 
 did you come 2 me about the boss instead of going 
 to him when he come back ? and why did you say I 
 should pay for the boss individooally, ef you thought 
 arteemass haddent gone orf, & that I was a/«7i covered, 
 as the lawyers calls it. Now you air lucky 2 get orf 
 so, I tell you, you'd better think so. I've lost a hus- 
 band & you've lost a boss, so that jist ballances the 
 account." 
 
 He went orf mad, & sed he'd see the square about 
 it & hev me into jale be4 nite, for boddily fear & boss 
 steeling, but that was the larst I beam of it; & it was 
 the larst he hearn of his boss too. The mayor was 
 gone forever. She was the pride of the viUidge of 
 Baldinsville, <fe a grate trottur & rarely seldom let iny 
 
252 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 hoss go ahead of hur, which it was a disgrace to hur 
 owner that he lost his hoss threw kidnapping another 
 woman's husband, & he was deprived of his beest 
 accordiintly. 
 
 Then, when the incolant felure had cut out, I takes 
 my dawturs by the hand & sot um down into cheers 
 be4 me, & sez I : 
 
 " Now, dawturs, look .me into the face ; I am your 
 beloved mother, that hev brawt you up two good exe- 
 cution, & hev tawt you awl you no, beri^ng what 
 you've larnt of your teechers which air mostly trash. 
 Your father hev committed burglary in the nite by go- 
 ing orf & leeving your mother a deskonsillate widder, 
 which he swore at the alter how he'd cleave 2 hur like 
 one flesh. We've got kornsiduble munny into the 
 bank, the wax figgurs, kangaroo, & the other beastesses 
 with monkeys two iny amount. 
 
 "We can live very kumfurtable on what we've got, <fe 
 now I shall expect the children of arteemass Ward 2 
 creet me as their only surviving parient till he comes 
 back, which he'll get sick of his bargin, I kornclude, & 
 be glad to return two hur which he took 2 his hart into 
 the flour of hur youth. 
 
 " As I am no longur burdened with the keer <fe over 
 sight of arteemass, you'll be glad two larn that I can 
 divvote a dubble share of my attenshuns 2 your con- 
 duct & morrils, & see that you go into the way thet 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 253 
 
 you shood walk therein. As 2 mirage, of coarse you 
 wont keer inything about husbands so long as you can 
 hev the compinny of your beloved mother. Ef you 
 shood be deprived of hur, it wood be a diffrunt mat- 
 ter ; then, you mite feel the want of husbands two 
 take keer of you. 
 
 " One of you will be obleeged two act into the kap- 
 passity of door-keeper two the sho, as I shall hev the 
 sooprintenderness of the hole establishment now that 
 arteemass hev abskonded from his dooty." 
 
254 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 ACCOUNT OF STOCK. 
 
 Arfture I found that arteemass was railly gone, I 
 took a pensil in hand, & arsked Sarah Ann to go with 
 me around the tent, into every hole & korner thereof, 
 as I was going two take an inventarry of the contents. 
 
 Fust, I put down the wax figgurs, & rit "new coat 
 wanted for G. Washington." "Eyebrows for the 
 pirut Gibbs." " New nose for Daniel Lambert." 
 " New wooden leg for Peter Stuyvesant." 
 
 Then we looked at the beastesses, & I put um awl 
 down onto the inventarry. (Here the twins got two 
 quarrelling — went & spanked um both, & returned.) 
 
 Next, we ecksamind the kewriositees. Found a 
 square block with no righting onto it. Told Sarah Ann 
 to hunt for the card ; she coodn't fnid no card. Korn- 
 cluded to rite onto it with a peece of chork : "The 
 hoss-bloek which Gen. Washington mounted his boss 
 when he was going into battle." 
 
 Arfture I liad rit those label, Sarah Ann sez : " why, 
 mother, thet air not big enuff for a hoss-block." 
 
 I thawt she was rite, & arfture 1 had kujitayted a wile 
 onto the subject, I rubbed out the chork mark, & rit 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 255 
 
 onto the block : " The block thet Gen. Washington sot 
 when he attended skool into his infancy." 
 
 Sarah Ann was pleased with thet, & sed : " why, 
 mother, yu're qwite a jeenyus." 
 
 " Don't flatter me, child," sez I, giving hur a purcing 
 glance ; " for you don't no how soon you may be a 
 mother yourself, which it is rong two flatter a parient 
 hoo don't stand in no need of sich enkkurridgment. I 
 know my culpacities, & so did arteemass, hoo gove in 
 two my judgment alius, as he node I had more tacked 
 than hisself." 
 
 We then went on with our eggzaminashuns till we 
 come two a slipper thet was wore by Charlotty Temple 
 when she went down Purl street two cawl onto Larroo, 
 onto that stormy nite. 
 
 We found thet our dog ,Jewel had had holt of it &; 
 tore it bad ; so I got Sarah Ann two bring 1 of hur 
 shoes & put into its place, <fe throo away the old slipper 
 which it was quite an improvement. 
 
 Sarah Ann sed it was a gray deel better so, as hur 
 shoe was enermost noo, & lookt more respecktable, 
 whilst the tother slipper was an old one from the fust. 
 
 In fack, it requires a feemail 2 put things in order. 
 The men folks thinks they nose a gray deel, like Solo- 
 mon's fool hoo can render 7 reasons. 
 
 We found 2 or 3 things where the righting had got 
 rubbed orf. There was a larje snuff-box. I ooodn't 
 
256 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 find out hoose it was. Sarah Ann sed she thawt it had 
 belonged to Moimt Karm that was kilt at the seeje of 
 Quibbeck ; but I never hearn inything about his snuff- 
 box ; besides, he was nothing but a Frenchman. So I 
 maid a card with the words onto it : " The snuff-box of 
 a Injun chief kilt by William Penn when he took 
 Pennsylvanny." 
 
 Sarah Ann larfed. I called hur a disobedunt child, 
 & scent hur two bed without hur supper. 
 
 There was peece of the trunk of a tree thet had no 
 li^bel onto it. I rit on a card : "Trunk of the tree 
 which Absalom hung to it by the hare of his head," & 
 nailed it on. 
 
 There's everything in knowing how 2 mannidge. 
 Some peple hev a fakilty two get along into the world, 
 whilst others air poor shacks <fe good for nothing. 
 Arteemass was never haff thankful enuff that he got 
 sich a woman as me for a wife. I thunk to myself, 
 when [ got threw, thet I was mowrn his better haff, I 
 was his better three quarters. 
 
HUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 257 
 
 THE MYSTERIOUS COUPLE. 
 
 Wher we lived up into Petersham, there was a man 
 & his wife that come & hired part of a house nixt door 
 two us. Folks sed they was a noo-marrid kupple, 
 though nyther 1 of um was young. 
 
 They shet up awl the winders & blinds so that no- 
 body cood see um, & they kept the house dark inside, 
 of coarse, as awl the lite was shet out. Everybody 
 was wondring hoo they were, & what maid um live per- 
 petyoually into the dark, like that disrespectful burd 
 called the owl, two say nothing of :)ats & moles. 
 
 At larst, Jeemes Swanzey, the peddler, come along 
 down our way, <fe we tolled him about it, & arsked him 
 ef he cood tell why they lived into the dark awl the 
 time. , 
 
 " In coarse, I can," sez he ; " they air both so 
 hombly thet they air afeared two see each other's face, 
 for fear they can't keep the mirage vow, & their love 
 won't last till the eend of the hunny-moon." 
 
 I called Jeemes into the house & gove him a drink 
 of molasses & water, with a spoonful of ginger into it. 
 
258 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 A LETTER. 
 
 I WAS sot down onto the sophy, which arteemess 
 maid it with a foo peeces of joist, & I stuffed corn-husks 
 into it & kivvurd it with kallikur, when a man with a 
 ile-cloth kivvering onto his hat, rid up to the door, & 
 pounded onto it with the handle of his whip, <fc hollurd 
 out into a senatorial voice : 
 
 " Air Mrs. Betsey Jane Ward into this bilding f 
 
 I felt a kind o' crawling come over my skin, as ef I 
 was going to hear from my long-absented huzband, & I 
 went 2 the door myself & pusht Sarah Ann back into 
 the entry. 
 
 When I opend the door, I seen the man onto his 
 hoss, which it shode it had travelled a grate ways. Its 
 main & tale & footlocks was long & the mud was 
 splashed up against its stummick. 
 
 The man had a brown face with deep rinkles run- 
 ning up & down each side of his mouth, & he drawled 
 out his words into a keerless sort of a way as if he 
 keered for nothing Si nobody, only he lookt into my 
 
JTUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 259 
 
 face with ills grav eyes very family ar, as of the site of 
 a hooman bcin_<r was oncommon, & he liked two find 
 out ef the hooman comitenans looht as it use to did 
 when he sawn one of um the larst time. 
 
 Sez he, as soon as I'd kurchid two him,sez he: 
 " Stranger, good day. I've got a letter here. I've 
 travelled a smart chance over the planes <fe pararees, & 
 brawt a letter for Mrs. Betsey Jane Ward. It mustn't 
 be delivurd to nobody else but she. Do you under- 
 stand "?" 
 
 " Parfeckly," sez I ; " hand it hear, for I'm that Indi- 
 vid ooal in purson." 
 
 "Well," sez he, taking out a dirty lump of 'paper; 
 " it's from one Mr. Arteemass Ward." 
 
 " So, the good-for-nothing felure has remembered his 
 poor wife, at larst," sez I; " giv'e me the letter." 
 
 " Hum !" sez he, putting the paper into his pokkit 
 agin ; " I take it you're only his wife by proxy. Can't 
 let you hev the dokkiments, good woman ; but ef the 
 lady herself air into this bilding, arsk hur two come 
 4th, as the letter can't be gove up two iny agents, only 
 two the rail Simon Pure hurself " 
 
 " You had better lye me out of my owni name," sez 
 I ; " ef I'm not Betsey Jane Ward, the wife of artee- 
 mass, hoo. air shel" 
 
 " It may be as you obsarve," sez he ; " espechally as 
 this air the bilding where I were direckted ; but I took it 
 
2o0 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 you coodn't be his wife from one obsarvation you i/iaicl. 
 I conclude, madam, that one don't speek of hur huz- 
 band as a good-for-nothing felure, which he has been in 
 distant parts a hole yeer." 
 
 " That's akkording to hoo he is, &; what he is," sez I. 
 
 " Begging your grace, madam," sez he ; *' I think it 
 is akkording 2 what she is." 
 
 " Now, you're a keeping me out of my letter awl 
 this time," sez I. 
 
 "It's a kind o' condishunal letter," sez he; "Mr. 
 Ward tolld me not 2 give this letter 2 his wife ef she 
 had given him up, & didn't keer no more about him." 
 
 " Well, sir, about that," sez I ; " it's rather dubus, 
 but the children wood like 2 heer from their father, I'm 
 shure." 
 
 " Air there children ?" sez he. 
 
 " Yes, there's children old enuff 2 read righting, be- 
 sides twins." 
 
 " Then, hear it is," sed he, chucking the letter into 
 the entry ; and he rid orf. 
 
 Argustus & the gurls were all-fired curus two know 
 what was into the letter ; but I was in for the reding of 
 it awl to myself alone, first being his lawful wife that 
 had alius been faithful two him, & done everything for 
 him, & stuck two him threw everything, like the kanga- 
 roo <fe wax figgurs. 
 
 I took the letter into the kitchen & sot down onto a 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 261 
 
 block into the corner <fe opened the letter which it was 
 rit as followers : 
 
 "My Amyable Spouce : "Thinking you mite 
 
 like 2 heer from me by this time, I take up my pen two 
 inform you that I am well in heelth, & hope these foo 
 lyons will find you injoying the same blesson. As 
 often as I think of the happy days that we hev spent 
 together, it makes me contented with my present situa- 
 tion ; & contentment is a grate blesson, which we 
 ought 2 be satisfied with the condition in which Provi- 
 dence has placed us. 
 
 " Through^ the mirackulus interpersition of Provi- 
 dence, I got cleen down the river without being blowed 
 up in the steamer. 
 
 " Finully, I tuk pessage into the steamer Ariel for 
 Kalliforny, tho we didn't go no further than Aspinwall, 
 which Mr. Ganderbilt, the owner was kust by every 1 
 on board the bote, eggcept a deef & dum man hoc 
 maid sines with his foot & leg as ef he was kicking 
 something most pleggidly. There cood be no dowt 
 that he allooded to the same individooal. 
 
 " The voyge M'as jist a nine days wonder, for it was a 
 wonder that we dident awl starve two deth, <fe dident 
 get pisond with the vittles which it was the very pick- 
 tur of a coroner's inquest. 
 
 " The weather was warm A; plezzunt as the garden 
 
OQ2 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 of Eden onto the Ismus, which it was ballanccd with 
 misketers, & rats of an improoved breed, as they wan't 
 too dainty two naw one's heels & toes. We had some 
 senior-eaters with us, but of course, I regarded them at 
 a respectable distunz, knowing thet I had a tender 
 spouce at home hoose feeling I wouldn't wound even by 
 offering 1 of um a sigguret. 
 
 " As for Mexico, it's inclined to be infested with 
 robbers ; I woodn't advise you ever two travel in that 
 rejun as the mail-coach arrived at the sitty, the other 
 day with awl the passenjurs into a state of parfect 
 noodity, the robbers having prepared their toylet in 
 that manner. There4 you'd better keep_ out of awl 
 these furrin parts. 
 
 " I got to Kalifornia onto Sunday arfturenoon, though 
 I shoodent hev none it ef I hadent had recoarse 2 my 
 allminick. 
 
 " But the histerry of my travels will only be tire- 
 some 2 you, so I'll speek of more domestick subjecks. 
 
 " The kangaroo air in good helth, I conclude, & the 
 beastesses air took good keer of, also the children 
 hoose eddikashun is into your hands. I node I could 
 depend onto you 2 doo everything thet was rite when I 
 w^ent away ; so my mind is parfeckly eze about awl 
 matters conneckted with the sho and the children. 
 
 " Ef you should feel like righting me a letter, I wood 
 hev you right by awl meens, but as I'm continyouall/ 
 
HTJR BOOK OF GOAKS. 263 
 
 onto the moove, I can't giv you iny pertickular direck- 
 shun at pressunt, but leeve it awl 2 yourself 2 use your 
 best judgment as two where I may happen to be, 
 " Yours to sarve, 
 
 " Arteemass Ward." 
 
 It was eze 2 see, by this letter, that arteemass w^as 
 gitting homesik, sense he spoke of the kangaroo & the 
 wax figgiirs, & the children, & the happy days that he 
 had spent with the wife of his boozim. 
 
 He sez I may rite him a letter, but I think he'll no it 
 when he gets 1. I shant send him no letter, espeshully 
 as I don't no where 2 send it, & hev got no direcshuns. 
 
 1 hope I alius had that sperrit that w^henever iny one 
 run orf on the sly & left me I would run arfture um, 
 nor hev inything more two doo with um ; & how does 
 that forlorn creeture spose he's goin two git along ef 
 he shood be took sick in furrin parts ? Hoo will make 
 him his cup of T when he has chat head-ache thet he 
 use two did whenever he was worrit about his aflares, 
 & how will he git his shurts washt & iurnd, & he awl 
 alone there amongst a parcil of heethins that cares 
 nothin about him ; <fe awl his own folt two. 
 
 He desarves two suffer for sich onnatchooral conduct, 
 going orf there amongst robburs & gamblers & 
 theeves ; <fe spose he shood get stuck & kilt, hoo will 
 watch over him when he is dying & bring him a drink 
 
264 BETSEY JANE WART) 
 
 of cold water when he hcv a fever, &: he dying away 
 orf thare amongst stranjurs two. I vow, I could al- 
 most cry with vexation, it make ma so mad when I 
 think of how thet poor, good-for-nothin orfin has con- 
 ducted hisself, when he had a good home & somebody 
 two take keer of him, & now he's got nobody at awl. 
 
KDR BOOK OF GOAKS. 265 
 
 A TRAVELING MERCHANT. 
 
 Shortly arfture I had red arteemass's lettur, a long, 
 lean, strait man come along parst the tent onto a hoss, 
 with big saddle-bags behind him, & hare flowin down 
 his back enermost as long as mine. 
 
 He rid* up two the tent, & when he seen me, he 
 gumpt orf of his hoss & bowed very short, & sprsiig 
 back agin, as when you bend down a young sapling & 
 let it fly back into its place. I spose it was done so 
 quick to save time. 
 
 *' Got notions of all sorts," sez he ; " needles, thread, 
 tooth-picks,' raziors, Waxter's cawi, Vciltaire's works, 
 songs, sarmonts, nutmegs, Life of A. Lincoln, saws, 
 gingerbread, nails, kawjul, stove-polish, jews harps, 
 New England rum, <fe awl the rillijus papers, & pear- 
 iodikkles, & about iiiything you chuse two cawl for." 
 
 *' Don't want nothing to-day but your custom," sez I; 
 ^'15 scents, children haff prico." 
 
 *' Hum ! a sho imporarium !" sez he ; " there's 
 
 room for some improvements in this yere place — a 
 12 
 
2b'(5 BETSEY JANE WAP.I) 
 
 glarse door, now — what do you say for a glarse 
 door r 
 
 "What! to the tent ?'^ sez I- "we don't want no 
 glass door hear. How wood it look — a glass door to a 
 tent r 
 
 "This air the day for improvements," sez he; "we 
 make improvements two everything in these days; 
 even the Kornstitution is undei-going all sorts of 
 improvements, spick, span, noo ; them that lived in 
 Washington's time woodent no it ef they seed it again, 
 it's so much improoved from what it use two was," 
 
 " But, 1 don't find- everything improoved," sez I ; 
 " for instunz, I dur say your wife was hansumur 15 
 year aggo than she is now ?" 
 
 " Donno that," sez he : " what with noo wig, a set 
 of patent teeth, a glarse eye, washes & varnishes, & a 
 heep of cotton wadding in hur close, I raythur think 
 she's a specimint of a woman yit. Can't I doo sofiie- 
 thing for yer, good woman ]" 
 
 " No, sir, I bleeve not — but, stop ! you say you've 
 got enermost everything, hev you iny thing like a pur- 
 ptitchooal motion 1" 
 
 " No, not yet, madam — that's two say, I've not got 1 
 rinisht yet, but I'm making 1 ; I've been at it for the 
 hirst 30 year." 
 
 " Then I've an idee you can doo something for me. 
 Arteemuss, my husband, hoo's absent into parts 
 
IIUR BOOK OF GOAKS. OQT 
 
 unknown at prezzunt, had an onfinisht purpetchooal 
 motion willed two him by his auntcestus, & it only 
 wants 3 wheels — • — " 
 
 " Three wheels ! whew ! I can fix it for you in a 
 jiffy; why, mine wants 19 wheels, 13 cogs, & a hole 
 lot of hardware yet. If yourn air so near done, I 
 can put on the finishing tutch in less than no time. 
 Isn't in hear ?" 
 
 *' No, my husband was never a verry interprising 
 man, or he'd a finisht it long 'go. Instead of doing on 
 it, he put it away into the garrit, <fe there it's lade ever 
 sense. But you shall see it, & try what you can do 
 with it." 
 
 *' I'll finish it; rite up for you, ma'am." 
 
 " But what will you charge me for doing on it, sir?" 
 
 " Well, ma'am, down our \yay, where I belong when 
 I'm at home, we alius do our work by the day, which 
 air the fairest method, bekaws one never nose how 
 long it will take him to finish up a job." 
 
 " Well," sez I ; " how much will you charge, by the 
 day, two finish up this purpetchooal motion & set it 
 two going complete 1" 
 
 " Ah ! madam," sez he, shaking his head ; " there's a 
 gray deel of talent required two doo a job of this yere 
 kind, & it aught two bring a good price accorduntly. I 
 coodn't think of giving my time and talents in sitch 
 
268 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 siipeoror work as this for less than five dollars a day & 
 found." 
 
 "Well, ef you can put up with our fare, sir," sez I; 
 "we hev'meet only onct a day, with bred & butter & 
 aigs & cheese for breakfast, & bred & milk, .pudding <fe 
 milk, or buries & milk for tea, &, things into varyty 
 according two what grows in the season of the year." 
 
 " Ah — yes, madam — well, you see, I'm not at awl 
 diffikilt, but as for the bred, I hope you hev the 
 Graham kind, &; can throw in a punkin pye now & 
 then, tho I'm not so set onto the pye ; but the Graham 
 bred air a diffrunt thing as I was razed onto that." 
 
 " Very well," sez I ; " in y thing for the sake of git- 
 ting the purpetchooal motion masheen fiiiisht. It will 
 be a fine speckkleashun, I take it." 
 
 " Guess so," sez he ; " it'll put ten thousand dollars 
 into your pockit in 3 weeks — warranted — as soon as it 
 gits fairly into operashun." 
 
 " I declare !" sez I ; " thet shoze what a interprizing 
 woman can doo, when she takes matters into her own 
 hands." 
 
 " It'll be the making of your fortin ma'am ; ef my 
 purpetchooal motion was as near finisht as yourn, I 
 woodn't vally iny amount of munny. It's a fortin into 
 itself, ma'am." 
 
 So I tuk him 2 the liouce & intradeuced him 2 the 
 children, <k tolled um what he was going for 2 doo, & 
 
IIUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 269 
 
 Sarah Ann run up <fe hollurd 2 Orgustus two come up 
 & help hur bring the masheen down. He lookt at it 
 over & over, &; inspected every part of it, & shook his 
 hed, &. lookt as ef he was considuring very deep into 
 the snbjekt, «Sj I arsked him what he thawt of the 
 masheen. 
 
 He dident heer me at fust, he' was so rapt up into his 
 idees. At larst he spoke out, & sez he : " This masheen 
 madam, air onto the introverted principal, & air analla- 
 gus two a divided cone, which it air seen into acoustics 
 & aqueducks; by means of concussion, reproduction of 
 force & vitiated air, you create a cerebellum, & thet 
 striking upon the tympanum & the fly-wheel causes the 
 abrasion of the strap, & a tincture of converging rays 
 passing into the spectrum, reduces it two a corpuscula, 
 whilst the capillary tubes & hydrostatical production of 
 atmosphere strikes it ofi' into the aphelion like the cho- 
 roides (fc corned ; that brings the whole thing two an 
 apex, & we have the first <fe second diaphanous trans- 
 parency. All thet is wanting two the masheen now is 
 two apply the pullies, the lever, the cylinder, with a 
 slight touch of the axis <fc hammer-lever, & awl will be 
 completi6 Have you a pare of compasses, ma'am, a 
 saw, an augur, a scale, a plumb line & piece of chalk, 
 thet I may apply the fulcum two the base of the diame- 
 ter. Ah ! what wood Sir Isaac Newton hev said ef he 
 
270 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 had lived two see this masheen ! You hevn't a little 
 dry toast & apple-sass handy, ma'am ?" 
 
 " Run, Sarah Ann," sez I, " & get some refreshments 
 for the jentlernan, <fe, Sarah Ann !" 
 
 " Ma'am," says she. 
 
 " Put a little of that quarturd quince onto the chany 
 plate, & hev that onto the table too." 
 
 '• Oh ! mother !" sez she, when I went out two see ef 
 the lunching was reddy ; " hew glad I am that we've 
 got somebody at larst that understands himself, & can 
 be a conjeenyul sperrit two me in my studdiz." 
 
 "Sarah Ann," sez I; "don't use iny libertiz with 
 that jentleman ; his mind is above your spear. You 
 can see that he nose everything." 
 
 " Yes, mother, & he expresses it so butifully — so 
 elegant — sitch refined language ! Oh ! I don't know — 
 it seems to me that I was never before into the com- 
 pany ^f a true gentleman !" 
 
 "Take keer of your hart, Sarah Ann, my dawter, 
 take keer of your hart, which he has a wife alreddy, as 
 I hearn him speak of that feemail." 
 
 So the genius et his lunch, & red the noospaper, & 
 
 ^ed it wood take him about three days to sharpen his 
 
 tools be4 he commensed onto the masheen, & he sposed 
 
 thet Orgustus wood be willing two turn the grindstone. 
 
 Orgustus lookt kinder squirmish w^hen he heered 
 that, & sinnified that he hadent much talent into the 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 271 
 
 grindstone line, <fe was mostly given two playing on the 
 flute & sucking Havana oranges onto a moonlight 
 night. 
 
 " Oh ! it's no matter," sez the genius ; " only 1 
 dident know but you'd like two get a insight into circu- 
 lar grairty by way of finishing off your eddication. I 
 can doo it awl myself, only it'll take a trifle longer ; 
 prehaps a week, but not mourn a week two the extent, 
 in sharpening the tools ; & arfture thet we'll, get fairly 
 two work onto the masheen. 
 
 Onto the nixt day, arfture breakfust, the genius sed 
 he must begin the job, as his time was preshus,. & he 
 coodent afford two stop long into the village. He sed 
 that be4 he commensed two grind his tools, there was a 
 purticklar kind of wand he wanted two git, thet grode 
 into the woods, & that was nessas^ary two put into the 
 masheen. It was hard to find those kind of wood, & 
 it mite take him awl day, <fe wile he was out hunting 
 for the wand, he mite as well kill two burds with 1 
 stone, that is to say, he wood shoot a foo snipe ef 
 Orgustus wood lend him his fouling-peace. 
 
 Orgustus gove him the gun & he went orf 
 
 He come home at nite with some burds that he 
 wanted cookt for his supper, & he had a switch into his 
 hand, which ef he hadent tolld me it was the wand, I 
 shood hev thawt it was a willow twig. So 1 pade him 
 
272 BETSEY JANE WxVKD 
 
 his 5 dollars for the fust day, & cookt his burds for 
 supper. 
 
 Awl the nixt 8 days, he spent in sharpening his tools, 
 & then he got reddy two go two work en the mashecn. 
 I had pade him just 45 dollars & his vittles «fe loging. 
 
 The nixt day, he sed it was nessessary two breathe 
 his boss which he would git foundurd ef he dident ex- 
 iirsize him. So he rid down two Smootsville, & took a 
 sort of tower about the kuntry awl that day. \yhen 
 he come home at nite, I pade him his 5 dollars for that 
 day, & he sed he must commence urly in the morning 
 & hurry np the masheen, as he had hearn important 
 noose sense he had been gone which it was required 
 that he shood go two the sitty as soon as he had got 
 throw with me, ef not sooner. 
 
 1 was so afeard he wood throw up the job, that I 
 sinnifide ef an increase of pay w^ood be iny inducement, 
 a foo dollars, more or less, needn't part us. 
 
 He ansurd & sed that he was not a man two fall 
 from his bargain ef it cost him his life — that he was 
 brawt up two grate morril idees, &, woodn't take a 
 cent more than he agreed two take. 
 
 " I'm not a man of that sort," sez he ; "I arsked you 
 5 dollars a day and found, & so it shall be ; but jist 
 for a matter of kornveenyunce, ef it's awl the same two 
 you, I will take my payments in gold instead of paper, 
 but not a cent more than I agreed fo?", you know. I 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 273 
 
 sed 5 dollars, & 5 dollars it shall be ; the gold is 
 merely a matter of piirsonal kornveenyunce. I sed 5 
 dollars, & that's awl I'll take — in gold, you know/' 
 
 So, I sed : " Very well, sir ;" & Sarah Ann, she sed : 
 " What an admirable man, hoo won't lissen two an in- 
 crease of sallery when it's offurd to him, & awl on con- 
 shienshus grounds !" 
 
 So, he got two work onto the nixt day, arfture break- 
 fust, & in just 15 days he had got one wheel made, 
 though it didn't look so much like a wheel as w^heels 
 in jineral doos, but Sarah Ann sed that only shode that 
 he was a orijinal jeenyus & had his own idee of wheels. 
 
 Finully, arfture he had worked 40 days onto the ma- 
 sheen, & breathed his boss a grate minny times, & gone 
 a shooting burds with Argustuss's gun a number of 
 times, I arsked him how the masheen was getting on. 
 
 He ansurd that the middle cog must be greased with 
 parmasitty & a gum that grozs in Kalliforny ; he wood 
 tellegraf two hev it sent on. 
 
 I arsked him ef he had ever been into Kalliforny, &; 
 he sed yes, he had been there & into Utah, &; had solid 
 goods to the Mormons. 
 
 " You never seen inything of my huzband — did 
 you ]" sez I. 
 
 "Well," sez he; "I seed a man there calling hisself 
 arteemass Ward, but it coodent hev been your huz- 
 band." 
 
 12* 
 
274 BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 " Why not ?" sez I. 
 
 " Becaws he dident behave like a marrid man," sez he. 
 
 Then I sed no more at that time, as Sarah Ann was 
 into the rheum, but my cheeks burned like the fiery 
 furniss of Shadrak, Meshack, & Abedniggo. 
 
HTJR BOOK OF GOAKS. 275 
 
 THE PERPETUAL MOTION. 
 
 Arflture about 3 months, the perpetchooal motion 
 masheen was finished. A good stong crank was put to 
 it, & the genius sed that 2 men cood keep it a-going by 
 turning the crank. 
 
 I tolled the genius thet he was 2 expensive, but I w as 
 willing 2 hire one man ef thet wood be enufF 2 keep it 
 2 going. 
 
 He sed thet he had been obleejed 2 put more wheals 
 2 it than common, & thet maid it hard 2 turn, & it 
 wood rekwire 2 men for two doo it. 
 
 The square came down, <fe lookt at it, & he sed he 
 had a kind of idee thet a perpetchoooal motion aught 
 2 go w^ithout inybody to turn it. 
 
 The genius ansurd &■ sed : " Oh, yes, I cood verry 
 ese make thet kind of perpetchooal motion, but then 
 I must put into the masheen about a dozen more wheels 
 & cogs (fe things." 
 
 " How long wood thet take ?" sez I. 
 
 " Prehaps it wood take two munce longer," sez he. 
 
 "Well, "I think I cant afford it," sed I; "so I'll be 
 satisfide with it as it air, & we'll say no more about 
 it. " I giss I can find a stout nigger thet will keep it 
 turning for a dollai a day." 
 
276 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 MARVELLOUS DEVELOPEMENTS. 
 
 What the perpetchooal motion genius sed about 
 arteemass in Utah stuck into my crop a long time, <fe 
 when I pade him the last of his -vvajiz & he brawt out 
 his hoss two go away I arskt him 2 tell me the hole 
 truth, as I was the wife of his boozim that he took to 
 his hart into his young days, into the flour of his youth. 
 
 Then the perpetchooal motion man gove me a IcHig 
 akkownt of arteemass's cuttings up into Salt Lake 
 sitty, & sed he had no^,^dowt thet' a grate miny of the 
 feemails there had ben sealed two arteemass for a foo 
 days, 1 at a time. 
 
 lie sinnifide that they hadn't been sealed two artee- 
 mass so strong as the Mormon wives jinurally is, which 
 the seal larsts their hole lifetime, but into the postidge- 
 stomp fashion, which they stick a little wile, & then rub 
 orf again. 
 
 He sed thet two comfot me, &; thawt [ woodn't keer 
 much about it ef arteemass was only sealed 2 urn tem- 
 perrary. But I coodent see it, for I had took thet poor 
 orfin when he was alone into the world, &; maid a hus- 
 band of him, & brawt him up keerfully, & took good 
 
HUK BOOK OF G0AK3. 277 
 
 keer of his morrils, & tawt him how two git his living, 
 & soot the naburs. 
 
 And now to think that creetur shood go orf two 
 furrin parts, & larn the golden bible, & git into the 
 fashuns of them heethins with their prorffits, & their 
 sealings, <fe their polliggimmy was enufF two try the 
 pashunz of Gob. 
 
 What was the use in his being brawt up into a kris- 
 chun kuntrj & tawt his katukize, & the lord's prare, &; 
 awl about Moses, & Abram, & Solloman, & David, & 
 awl them other pattriocks, ef he was going orf two Jarn 
 polliggimy, which awl them grate men of the anshunt 
 times tawt that a man & his wife was 1 flesh & shood 
 forsake his farther & mother «fe stick two the feemail. 
 
 I sot down & rit the followering letter two artee- 
 mass : 
 
 " Deer Husband : — I hev heered of your doings &: 
 the kangaroo is well & the twins, & the perpetchonal 
 motion are finisht, & I tell you two come home two the 
 wife of your boozim rite orf, & when you git hear 
 you'll git sich a blesson from me thet'll make your ears 
 tingle for 1 spell, 1 can tell you. 
 
 "Mark my words, you'd better come away from 
 them heethens up in Salt Lake to your comforttable 
 home into Baldinsville, & when I see you safet under 
 my hands agin you won't get away in a hurry, & I'll 
 
278 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 make you wish thet you had never desarted the wife of 
 your boozim & left the place where you've alius been 
 treated \ye\\ &; made happy. I'll give you something 
 thet you'll remember, & my sister Sooky air hear two, 
 & she sez you aught to be hung in chains, & thet she'll 
 giv you a peace of hur mind when you come back. So 
 you'd better come back two repose into the boozim of 
 your family, as Cooper the poet says : 
 
 " ' Domestic happiness, the only bliss that hev sur- 
 vived the fall.' 
 
 " I'll take keer to rede you sich a lesson when you 
 come back that you'll see the evil of your ways, <fe the 
 twins hev had the meezles, & Sarah Ann hev melted 
 orf G. Washington's nose by holding the candle two 
 closet two it whilst she was redeing a love letter from 
 hur bo. which she went into the tent two rede it for 
 fear I shood see it. I scent hur two bed without 
 supper <fe kept hur on bred &' water five days, <fe I shall 
 sarve you wuss than that. So you'd better hurry back 
 rite orf two your happy home, which you never had 
 iny excuse for leaving it. This from the wife of your 
 boozim. 
 
 " Your ill-used wife, 
 
 "Betsey Jane Ward." 
 
nUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 279 
 
 COx\SPIRACY DETECTED. 
 
 It appears to me thet, of Jately, everything thet can 
 torture a varchus & amyable feemail hev kornspird 
 agin me. It air sed thet a ongrateful child is sharper 
 than a sarpent's teeth. We've got 1 of um in the sho, 
 which his teeth is sharp as my dawter Sarah Ann, hoo 
 hev shode the truth of thet saying in more ways 
 than 1. 
 
 I hev took more panes with hur than with iny dawter 
 I hev got, too bring her up into the way she shood go. 
 I've boxt her ears mourn iny of the rest, & flogged hur 
 more, <fe scent hur two bed without supper mourn iny 
 of my other children, & arftur awl the panes I've took 
 to punish her morrils & bring hur as the twigs inclined, 
 she hev acted the part of a deseever two hur tender 
 parient, which air onakkountable, for I've toUd hur, 
 over and over agin, how bad awl sich conduct air, <fe 
 scolded hur till my tung was reddy two drop orf when- 
 ever I ketched hur in iny thing of the kind. I've used 
 up a hole birch tree onto that gurl two make her good, 
 & now the ongrateful creatur wants two leave the pa- 
 rental boozim & git marrid \ 
 
280 BETSEY JANE WAED 
 
 I've alius held that the evil 1 was in young ones from 
 the our of their birth, & thet it aught to be whipt out 
 of um ; but this crctur air so bad thet I bleeve ef I 
 had skinned her alive, she'd heve continued to sho 
 temper & two want to leeve her comfortable home. 
 
 No dowt, they take their evil purpensities from ar- 
 teemass, as I hev tolld \ip\ a 100 times, Orgustus <fc 
 awl. 
 
 Now, the way of it was, that a young felure cawld 
 Samuel Hill, belonging two Smootsville took a suddeut 
 liking two Orgustus, <fe maid him a prezzent of a silver 
 tooth-pick & a pair of pistles. Then he admired Or- 
 gustus's stile of playing onto the flute, & begged Or- 
 gustus two larn him how two play. 
 
 As Orgustus was fond of going to Hill's house, 
 which air a very plezzent place, he agreed to larn the 
 felure two play onto the flute ; but arfture he had been 
 there 2 or 3 times. Hill tolld him it w as 2 bad to put 
 him two the trubble of coming 2 see him, & so he 
 would cawl 2 take his lessons ai our house into Baldins- 
 ville. . 
 
 So, Sam Hill come down about twict a week two get 
 his lesson orf Orgustus. But Sarah Ann took a mity 
 fancy to heer the flute two, & so she took panes alius 
 two go into the rheum whenever Orgustus was laming 
 Hill to play. 
 
 I was very mutch surprised at Sarah Ann taking sitch 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 281 
 
 }\ suddent liking two the flute, bepaws she had heered 
 Orgustus play onto it mourn two yeer, & had never 
 seamed two keer nothing about it be4. I began to 
 kornklude that she was showing talons for moosick. &; 
 thet arfture awl, it must be thet the gurl had a musical 
 ear. 
 
 The first time thet I suspicioned something was when 
 I happent two tell the square that Orgustus was larning 
 Sam Hill moosick. 
 
 "Why," sez he, "how is thet? Young Hill has 
 alius been a fust- rate player onto the flute ever since I 
 node him." 
 
 Then, it run into my hed, whet did he want two larr 
 orf Orgustus for, ef he node moosick better than my 
 son alreddy 1 
 
 I was so puzzled two akkount for it, that I arsked 
 Sarah Ann which of um was the best player. 
 
 " Why, mother," sez she ; " how can you arsk thet 
 question, when you know thet Orgustus is larning 
 Samuel two play 1" 
 
 " Samuel !" sez I ; " why is it Samuel instead of Mr. 
 Hill? It's very unpropper for a young gurl two cawl 
 a young man by his krischen name without they air a 
 koarting." 
 
 When I sed thet, she turned as red as a beat, for she 
 seen that she had ketched hurself by cawling him 
 
282 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 Samuel. She had spoke as she was into the habit of 
 caw ling him, be4 she thawt what she was about. 
 
 As soon as I seed hur kullur up, I understude the 
 hole trick. Hill come two the house to tawk his fiddle 
 faddle noncents two Sarah Ann, & piirtended to come 
 there two larn moosic of Orgustus. Sarah Ann & Hill 
 had, no dowt been akqwainted with each other' a grate 
 while, <fe this was the plan to bring um together. 
 
 I was just a going to fly out <fc give my dawtar a 
 holesome flogging, when it struck me thet, as I'd got 
 the cards into my hands, Fd better ketch her in a sitty- 
 vashun which she coodont deny her ongrateful conduct. 
 
 So the nixt day, the desateful felure come two the 
 house two get his lesson onto the flute. 
 
 I got out of site for about an our, & then I lit a can- 
 dle, and went two the rheum where they were. I 
 dident heer nobody playing onto the flute. I opened 
 the door awl of a suddent, &; I busted into the rheum. 
 
 Orgustus was setting with his head leaning back agin 
 the wall fast asleep, whilst Hill sot at the other eend 
 of the rheum with Sarah Ann onto his nee, <fe her arm 
 around his neck. 
 
 Ef the fur didn't fly for a little wile, then my name 
 isn't Betsey Jane Ward. I sprung at Sarah Ann <fe 
 ketched hur by 1 arm & slung her haflf acrost the 
 rheum ; ihen I jumpt at Hill, & he jumpt for his hat. 
 
nUK BOOK OF OOAKS. 273 
 
 I clawed his hat ofT his head ; Orgustus waked up & 
 thawt the house was o' fire. 
 
 I pursood Sarah Ann out of the rheum with Hill's 
 hat into my hand. She got away & run down into the 
 garden, & I coodn't find her in the dark. 
 
 Then I came back 2 the house, &, lookt out the front 
 winder. I seed Hill there ^waiting for his hat. I hol- 
 lured out : 
 
 " You pesky, good for-nothing sarpint, see that you 
 never darken my doors agin !" 
 
 Then I flung him his hat, &; he went orf. 
 
 I watched for Sarah Ann, <fe when she come in, I 
 jumpt at hur from behind the door, where! was hid, <fe 
 ketched her <fe gove hur sitch a pare of boxt ears thet 
 they lookt red awl the next day. 
 
 As soon as she was up into the morning, I watched 
 for hur at the foot of the stares. I took hur by the 
 arm & pulled hur into the back rheum & there I tawkt 
 two hur. 
 
 " Air it not enufF," sez I ; " thet your farther air a 
 ongrateful, disrespectable wretch, without your going 
 into the way of Bale 2. Ef I wasn't the most indul- 
 gent of mothers, I shouldn't leave a bit of hole skin 
 onto your body." 
 
 " 1 dident doo nothing bad, mother," sez she. 
 
 That aggrivated me, & I shook hur till hur comb floo 
 out of her head <fe struck up agin the sealing. 
 
234 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 " To think you shood partend you've done nothing 
 rong " sez I ; " insted of gitting down onto your 
 marnir-bones & arsking pardon. Kneel down, & prom- 
 miss me, onto your solium word & onor, thet you'll 
 never see thet orful wretch agin as long as you live.'' 
 
 " But, if he comes here two lam the flute," sez she ; 
 " how can I help seeing him 1" 
 
 " I'll flute you," sez I; " into the fire goes that flute 
 as soon as Fve sot my 2 eyes onto it, &, as for you, 
 imperdenz, go rite up stairs to your rheum, & don't 
 make your apperience down stares till I send for you, 
 which won't be into a hurry." 
 
 So, I locked her into hur room, & kept hur without 
 eting a morsel for 2 days. Arfture thet, I carrid hur 
 up some bred & water, & tawkt 2 hur like a dutiful 
 mother & tolled her I was a good mind 2 flog hur with- 
 in an inch of hur life. 
 
 Then I shook hur & boxt hur ears, & went out,& 
 locked hur up agin. 
 
 I bleeve there never was a woman afflicted like me ; 
 but it's the way with awl good people thet doo their 
 dooty. There was Job hoo was kivvurd with sore 
 biles. 
 
 Arfture keeping Sarah Ann in hur room, onto bred 
 & water 3 weeks, I felt the knead of hur help down 
 stares, & in the sho. So, I let her out. 
 
 Thet ongrateful creechure hadent been free mourn 12 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 285 
 
 clays be4 I ketched hiir redeing a letter. She tride two 
 hide it from me, but I got it away & red it. 
 
 Tlie letter was from that pesky, blasphemious Hill, 
 ct it w\is as followers : 
 
 " My dear, persecuted angel : — With heart-rend- 
 ing emotion, I read your dear, blessed note, and kissed it 
 a thousand times, and I am not ashamed to say that 
 when I put it next my heart, it was wet with my tears. 
 
 '• Dear sufferer, what demon in human shape is it 
 into whose vengeful talons you have fallen ? Again do 
 I urge you, I implore you 'to unite our destinies in a 
 legal manner, that I may have an incontestable right to 
 shield you from that she-dragon who dares to lay her 
 sacrilegious hand on innocence and angelic beauty like 
 yours. 
 
 " Oh ! my love, my charmer, my bright bird of 
 heaven, I cannot any longer endure the thought that 
 you are subjected to misery while I have a happy 
 home, and ample means to provide for you an asylum 
 beyond the reach of oppression, and which will need 
 only your presence to become a perfect Paradise. 
 
 " Put an end to those tortures, my adored love, and 
 no longer suffer a false idea of duty to one whom you 
 au^ht to detest to render us both the most miserable 
 of beings. 
 
 " Why make yourself a martyr for one whose only 
 
280 BETSEY JAXE WARD 
 
 motive for chaining you to her side is that, like the vul- 
 ture tearing the intestines of Prometheus, she may 
 have somebody upon whom she can vent her malignity 
 with impunity ] 
 
 " Do reply quickly, through the usual channel, and 
 speak the words which will bring me under your cham 
 ber window with horse and chaise, and in ten minutes 
 afterward we will be man and wife. 
 
 " My sweet, my love, my angel, 
 
 " Your devoted S." 
 
 Yes, I read this letter awl throo, from beginning to 
 eend, & I thawt I shood bust. Me a demon in human 
 shape ! Me a she-draggon ! Me a vultur ! Oh ! the 
 blasphemious wretch! 
 
 I coodent believe my 7 census thet inybody shood 
 dare two right 2 my gurl into that manner. This was 
 a very serus bizness, <fe arfture I had locked up my 
 dawter into hur room, I rit a note & scent it up to the 
 square for him 2 come down 2 me immeduntly. 
 
 He hurrid rite down two our house, & I tuk him 
 into the best rheum. Arfture I had locked the door, I 
 pulled out the horrid letter & shode 2 him. 
 
 lie red it & lookt very serus. 
 
 " Into the fust place, square," sez I ; " we must soo 
 the wretch that rit it." 
 
 He scrat(ihed his ear as ef he was puzzled <fe sed he 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 287 
 
 diJeiit exackly no about that, as no law had been 
 broke. 
 
 " Whet !" sez I; " isn't it agin the law 2 cawl me a 
 she-drafTcron "?" 
 
 " Yes, ma'am, the Jure divijio,^"* sez he. 
 
 " Then," sez I ; " we'll have the jury vino afoul of 
 him rite orf ef it costs me fifty dollars." 
 
 " But I deal only in the Jure humano, or Jus civile,''^ 
 sez he. 
 
 " Oh ! well, square, what duz it sinnify ?" sez I ; 
 " civility, or Gus, or may knoiv, it air awl 1 ef the vil- 
 vun air soundly trounced. As for my dawter, I'll 
 tickle hur rizibles for hur." 
 
 " 1 don't see iny chance in this case," sez he; " you 
 can punish your dawter, it is troo, ef you think it rite 2 
 doo so, but the young man has not cawld you a crimi- 
 nal. Had he charged you with theft, or burglary " 
 
 '•' Me — theft — me a burglary, square !" 
 
 " Ef he had so far forgotten himself as to charge you 
 with the commission of any crime, we might do some- 
 thing with him ; but as it is, he is safe from the law." 
 
 " Mercy on me, square !" sez I ; " what's the law 
 good for, ef 1 may be a draggon & a vultur, & git no 
 sattisfackshun ? Oh ! it's time that the feemail seek 
 had a hand in voting & making the laws ! We'd soou 
 show um hoo was a vultur & a she-draggon !" 
 
OQ§ BETSEY JANE WAKD 
 
 " Very likely," sed the square, & he turned away his 
 face & lookt at something out of the vvindur. 
 
 So, I seen I coodn't doo nothin with him, «fcr pritty 
 soon, he left. 
 
 " Then I went up to Sarah Ann, into hur room, &, I 
 g\ss, be4 I left hur, she found out hoo was a vultur & a 
 she-draggon. 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 289 
 
 AN ASTOUNDING EVENT. 
 
 Ep the world isn't destroyed be4 the eend of the 
 year, it wont Be for want thet they desarves two be 
 conflagrated, as the inlitninged reeder will see by my 
 akkownt of the dooings into Baldinsville. 
 
 I'm done now. It's no kind of use two kalqulate 
 upon inything, for the wickedness of young people air 
 like the charriots of faro, which they never overthrone 
 into the red C, when the waters run back from the 
 Isrulites, which the square sez bekaws they was sitch a 
 ugly-looking set thet the waters was frightencj^ at um <fe 
 got out of the way till they had parsed over. 
 
 But this terrible akkount which happent into my own 
 family air the town tawk &, in coarse, everybody thinks 
 thet Pve been dredfully injured by thet good-for-noth- 
 ing Sarah Ann hoo air sharper than a sarpint's tooth. 
 
 1 shet hur up in hur room, <fe licked hur as long as I 
 could stand over hur, with an old parrysol which I 
 broke it awl two peaces onto hur pesky hiJe, &; then I 
 went out (fe locked the door. 
 
 I sot up till 11 o'clock at nite watching 2 see ef that 
 
« 
 290 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 u 
 
 feliire wood come with his hoss & shay as he tawkt of 
 doing on, into his letter. 
 
 Seeing he didn't come, I set Ann Loines two watch 
 & went two bed. 
 
 In the morning, I found thet Ann had cleered out, <k 
 korndluded she was two lazy two wach iny longer. 
 
 There4, I maid brekfast, & korncluded not 2 giv 
 Sarah Ann inything 2 ete till 12 okklock. 
 
 Accordantly, I went up stares as soon as the klok 
 struck 12, & onlokt the door. 
 
 I went in <fe seen that the room was as MT as a glove 
 when you pull it orf. Be4 I had time to think a word, 
 Ann Loines hollurd for me down stares. I run down 
 as kwik as my laigs wood carry me, & there wms Ann 
 with something into hur hand done up in guilt-ejd paper 
 & she reeched it to me & sez : 
 
 "Mrs. Hill, sends her compliments & a piece of 
 bride-cake 2 Mrs. Ward." 
 
 "And who's Mrs. Hill?" sez T, & I gove Ann a 
 purcing glance when I arskt the question. 
 
 " The late Sarah Ann Ward," sez she. 
 
 "Mydavvtur!" 
 
 " Yes, ma'am." 
 
 I sot rite down I was so mad. For a minnit, I was 
 nonplusht as much as ef G. Washington had walked 
 rit« out of the tent & arskt for a glarse of logger 
 beer. 
 
nUR BOOK OF GOAKS. . 291 
 
 Then I jumpt up & sez I; "Hoo marrid that fee- 
 mail ?" 
 
 " The square, two be shure," sez she ; " the young 
 felure brawt a ladder «fe put it up two hur windur & 
 karrid hur orf larst nite. . I run arfter urn two bring 
 Sarah Ann back, but they cotch me & karrid me orf, & 
 made me akt as bridesmade at the square's. As soon 
 as they was marrid, they went orf into a butiful char- 
 riot with 2 grate white bosses & " 
 
 ^' Why dident you come <fe call me," sez I; "insted 
 of making a fule of yourself by running arfture them ?" 
 
 " I did akkording 2 the best of my nolidge," sez she ; 
 " besides, I am not your dawter, & you can't tyrannize 
 over mo as you did over poor Sarah." 
 
 Then I node she.had plade me false, & had kinknivd 
 at their running orf, & I jumpt at hur <fe grabbed hur 
 by the hare, but she slipt orf & left hur comb into my 
 hand. 
 
 Away she run, & away I run arfture hur. She 
 streeked it threw the apple orchud, over the stone wall 
 & into the woods, & ef I hadent got tangled up in a 
 briar bush I'd hev pulled every hare out of hur head. 
 Finally, she got clear orf out of site. 
 
 Then I put on my black silk, & went up two the 
 square's two see what he ment by robbing a tender 
 tfe.induljint mother of hur dawter. 
 
 I opened the front door & went in without knocking ; 
 
292 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 but coodn't find nobody into the house; the pot was 
 onto the fire a biling as ef it was onto a wayjir, but the 
 kook was no-whares two be scene, the square's wife & 
 dawtur, was out, but there was righting ohto his table 
 that want dry yet ; so I node he was round there some- 
 whares. I went out intoo the yard, &; cotch site of the 
 lawyer's cote-tale as he whiskt around the kornur of the 
 
 barn. 
 
 I run around the barn, & cotch site of the hole fam- 
 mily cutting threw the puttatur patch, & the hired help 
 Ibllowing arfture as fast as she cood, with hur slip-shod 
 shuze & hur stockins about hur ankuls. 
 
 Away they went as ef I had been a mad bull broke 
 luce from the slawtor-house. 
 
 I was awl out of breth & went home, tho I was de- 
 tarmint 2 giv that pesky lawyer a good setting down 
 the fust chance I got. 
 
 The next day, as I stood into the door of my tent, 
 hoo shood I see go by, into a charriot, but them 2 
 lovyers, & Sarah Ann flaunting into hur silks & satans, 
 & her husband's arm around her neck, & she waved hur 
 hankurchur two me, the imperdenz. I'd hev gove awl 
 
 1 was wurth jist two ring hur neck thet minnit, 2 think 
 the wretch shood be riding about in stile. I'd hev felt 
 better about it ef I'd scene hur in rags, beggin hur bred 
 from door two door, or dying into the arms-house ; but 
 
 2 see the creetur riding into hur silks & showing hur- 
 
llUIi BOOK OF GOAKS. 203 
 
 self in triumph 2 hur tender & induljint mother made 
 me so mad thet I cood hev skinned hur alive, & stuft 
 hur skin & put it into the sho two exibit hur for Jer- 
 sey bell, the wiked kween. 
 
294 BETSEY JANE WAKI) 
 
 CONJUGAL ANXIETY. 
 
 From awl akkounts thet comes across the Planes, 
 the cuttings-up of my arteemass into the Mormon set- 
 tlement air parfeckly ridikkillious. 
 
 What upon urth he wants two spend his time 
 amongst them onery creturs, that it take a duzzin or 20 
 of um two make 1 wife, air mourn lean eggstamperize 
 which he has 1 hole wife at home under 1 bunnit & into 
 1 frock. 
 
 The prezzident of our sosiety hev an idee thet them 
 feemail's must be a undersized set, no bigger than Tom 
 Thumb's wife, sense it takes so miny of the creetur 2 
 make 1 hole wife ; so they have to take their wife into 
 installments, instead of having hur awl into 1 peace. 
 
 I Iwrnclude that arteemass got his idee of heving a 
 big assortment of the artiklile from having sich a good 
 speciment of wife at home; but he'll find no more 
 sitch like hur that he t<jok to his heart into the bloom 
 of hur youth, which "she had been improoving onto his 
 hand more than 30 yeer. 
 
nUK BOOK OF GOAKS. • 2^5 
 
 Tve had some idee of setting out with the sho, in a 
 giirny across the Planes to Utah. Ef I cood get there 
 awl safet & sound, I'd hev a cap-pulling with some of 
 those Mormondom thet would make um think the 
 world was coming to an eend. 
 
 I hev coUd our sosiety together to parse rezolutions 
 agin Briguni Young & his wives which ef they hear of 
 it into Utah will make a fluttering amongst the dry 
 bones. Our prezzident tawkt of appointing a komitty 
 of laydiz two go two Utah & puddown polligomy, but 
 when they was' appinted they eggsquzed themselves 
 from going onto the ground thet they was afeard they 
 w^ood get seald two some Mormon saint ef they went 
 there ; & as the komitty was awl old mades, they were 
 pesky afeard of that air sealing-bizness. 
 
 So, I was left a poor diskonsolate widder, like a 
 crusht flour. 
 
 But. let me ever ketch site of arteemass agin, it's awl 
 I want jist two take my satisfaction out of his coppura- 
 shun. 
 
 I'll teech him two dessart his better haff* for the sake 
 of them pesky Mormon trollops. 
 
290 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 ULYSSEAN ARTIFICE. 
 
 I BELEEVE that men air the wurst ereeturs thet bares 
 the hoonian form. But I'll tell the story of the way I 
 was sarved, & how I was cheeted out of my revenge. 
 
 I was sitting into the door of the tent with 5 custo- 
 mers inside, when there come along a man dressed 
 up like some sort of outlandish felure from furrin 
 parts, with a turbin onto his head, & a simmetur at his 
 side. 
 
 He sed he was a Arab, & he stopt a little way from 
 the tent, & made a lo bow & sez : " Lahez-Alikom ! La- 
 bez, Lahez-Salem /" 
 
 " IIoo air you ?" sez I ; " & what upon urth doo you 
 want hoar, with awl them jimfleckshunz ?" for I thawt 
 he was a nigger, at fust. 
 
 Then he sez : " Sheick Hesh-bah, el ajjhP^ 
 
 I wawkt tords him to eggzamin him closter & see 
 what he was maid of. 
 
 Then he began to thro dust over himself, & sez : 
 
 " Allah Houakibar ! Hi el Allah, Sheda Mohammed 
 Rahsooir 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 297 
 
 At larst, I got him two speek a sort of hafF English 
 & haff furrin tuiig, & he tolld me how his name was 
 Jvesh-bah, an Arab chief & a pilgrim, which it was what 
 he had tolled me be4, into his own langwidge. 
 
 I seen he was something of a kuriosity, <fe was think- 
 ing whether it was best two ingage him for the sho, 
 when he propposed it hisself, & sed he would exhibit 
 for his vittles, the fust weak, & ef it was found thet he 
 drawed well, he wood charge something for the use of 
 his yaller karcus. 
 
 So he went into the sho & was there a weak, <fe he 
 drawed very well, & he lurned to speak English so fast 
 that I was astonisht, <fe thawt him the smartest man 
 that ever I seed. 
 
 He noo how to manidge the sho too, &; I found his 
 help so useful that I woodnet hev parted with him on 
 no akkount whatsomever. 
 
 Then he began two tell me thet he noo awl about 
 how my husband had sarved me, & he sed that artee- 
 mass wood never come back as he had had 45 wives 
 sealed 2 him & was a elder of the Mormon church. 
 
 When I heered thet I cood hev tore urteemass's eyes 
 out cf he had 'Stood be4 me that minnit. He sed thet 
 he had hurd it from peple that kame from Utah, & that 
 it was the town tawk, only noboddy wood tell me, for 
 fear of braking my hurt. 
 
 He went on into thet way for a long time, till he got 
 
298 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 me into the beleef thet I was a widder troo enuff, & 
 then he begun too la seeje two my tender hart till he 
 won my efTeckshuns. Then I eggspekted 2 marry him, 
 but he tolled me thet was unpossible, as my husband 
 was alive. So he got me into such a riiystiffikashun 
 that I bleeved it was awl rite 2 live with him without 
 marrage, sense arteemass was gone entirely <fe the laws 
 woodent let us marry. The prezzidunt of our society 
 sed it was rite 2, <fe was the free love principul. 
 
 So I gove my kornscent at larst, & as soon as he got 
 my kornscent, he went into another room <fe washt orf 
 the yaller stain from his hands & face, <fe put on his 
 own close, & cum back, & I like 2 hev jumpt out of 
 my skin when I seed it was arteemass hisself. 
 
 I was jist a going 2 give him a blowing up for his 
 kornduct in Utah when I remembured that I had agreed 
 2 liv with a furrin Arab without being marrid 2 him, 
 <k so arteemass had got the game into his own hands, & 
 I coodent say a word. 
 
 Then he sez : " You've heerd stranje stories about 
 my cuttings up into Utah; but, you was going 2 doo 
 jist as bad, <fe now we air square — so you may as well 
 jist shet up." 
 
 I seen he had me there, & I did shet up. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 299 
 
 UNCLE OBED. 
 
 We had a visit from Uncle Obed not long ago. I 
 thawt he had come two the house two see arteemas, arf- 
 ture he had been abcent so long ; but it seams thet he 
 come onto more importinate biznis. 
 
 He air my uncle en the mother's side, not my own 
 uncle, but a sort of distunt uncle. I never node mutch 
 about him, and never scene him be4 he called & tolled 
 us hoo he was. 
 
 It was jist arfture brekfast that a tall man in a snuff- 
 kullud cote & bloo spektikkles, with a long nose very 
 sharp at the pint, about 50 yeer old, rapt at the door. 
 The hired help run & opent the door, & the man arskt 
 ef the propprieater of the show-imperoarium was into 
 the house, the selubrayted arteemass Ward. 
 
 She tolled him yes, & arsked him 2 wawk in. So 
 in he wawkt. I was setting at the table, but arteemass 
 was shaving orf his face at the looking-glass which it 
 hangs betwixt the 2 windurs. 
 
 He turned round & lookt at the jentleman & sez, 
 " 15 scents, haff price for children." He bowed down 
 
300 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 his long backj & seeing there was a lady into the house, 
 he tuk orf his hat. Accorduntly, I got up & gove him 
 a cheer which he kept standing till he sed : 
 
 " I spose you don't no me ; I'm Ebenezer Rattleton 
 of Skunk's misery." 
 
 Arteemass lookt at me & I lookt at arteemass. At 
 larst, arteemass sed : " You hev the advantidge of me, 
 sir — never exibited into that villidge ; where did I ever 
 see you be4 ?" 
 
 " I don't wonder you arsk," sez he ; "I am an uncle 
 two your wife — that is, a sort of uncle, being cuzzin 
 two her grate uncle hoo lived in Peekskill, & karrid on 
 the tannin & currin." 
 
 " Yes," sez I ; " there was .sitch a man, some years 
 aggo. I've often heerd of my grate uncle hoo lived in 
 Peekskill, which he dide of the flamutory rhematiz." 
 
 " Very likely," sez Mr. Rattleton ; " it's highly prob- 
 able it W'as some flamutory distemper, as he took to 
 brandy & Ky Ann pepper in the latter part of his life, 
 <fe went orf ruther suddently." 
 
 " Well, seddow^n. Uncle Ebenezer," sez I ; " It's 
 probble you're awl rite, so set up & take a bite of cold 
 tung & kawfee." 
 
 " Nyther, neese," sez he ; "I don't use iny of the 
 slops, & as 2 animile food, it's kontrayry 2 my prinsip- 
 ples. I'm onto the high jeen at pressent, amongst 
 other importunate reforms ; but, ef you hev a little 
 
HUR UOOK OF'GOAKS. 301 
 
 stale bread & muUassis, I will partake of something for 
 the riffrishment of the house I live into." 
 
 " Own a house in your villidge?" sez arteemass. 
 
 " 1 spake of the temple of my body," sez he. 
 
 Arteemass purceived he'd got into deep water, & 
 maid hisself skurce, jist as he alius did when I was visit- 
 ed by 1 of our 'sosiety. 
 
 As for me, 1 brawt out some rye bread &; the jug of 
 mullassis, & sez I : 
 
 " I'm glad 2 find thet you air 1 of us, uncle Ebe- 
 nezer." 
 
 He lookt up, but he coodent say nothing at thet min- 
 nit, as he had jist put a chunk of bread into his head, & 
 the mullassis was running down from both korners of 
 his mouth. 
 
 " Take your time, uncle," sez I ; for ef he chokt, I 
 dident no as he had munny enuff about him two pay 
 his fewkneereal expenses, <fe the charge wood come upon 
 me & arteemass. So, I sez ; " I can wate, uncle. My 
 time air at my own disposal." 
 
 " Tempus fugit .^" sez he. 
 
 As soon as he had cleered his throte, he korntinued : 
 
 " Neese," sez he ; "I infer from what you hint, thet 
 you air 1 of the chosen foo which they air scent intoo 
 the world that they may leeve it better than they find it. 
 They air the solt of the urth ; but I go a little beyand 
 that ; there air some hoo may be compared to the 
 
302 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 4runners of the millenyum, which it may be sed they 
 air the solt Peter of the urth, which it air more 
 stronger than ornery solt, you no." 
 
 " I'm shure I'm glad 2 find that you air 1 of them 
 air," sez I. 
 
 " Don't miscomprehend me," sez he ; " for there 
 Cometh 1 arfture me the latches of hooze shuze I am 
 not worthy 2 stoop down & onluce." 
 
 I dident kwite take the meening of that, & I gove 
 him a purcing gaze. 
 
 " I've come as a sort of a 4 runner," sez he ; " two bid 
 you prepair for the solt Peter of the urth hoo I regard 
 as the gratest of woman born." 
 
 " I'm shure we shall try 2 be aggreeable," sez I. 
 
 " You hev beds, & provender for bosses, & awl that 
 air required for the messanger ?" sez he. 
 
 " Well, we'll try," sez I ; though I never had the leest 
 conniption of what he was tawking about. 
 
 So he went on eting the bread & mullassis, <fe then, 
 arfture he'd took in a lofe & a haff of rye bread <fe a 
 kwaut of mullassis, he arskt for sigh deer& drunk about 
 2 pints of thet. 
 
 Then he lifted his fingur 2 me, <fe sez : " Neece, grate 
 times air cumming, you may depend upon that." 
 
 Then he shook his head, & lookt rite into the fire for 
 about haff an our. 
 
 At larst, he got up & put his hands under his kote 
 
nUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 303 
 
 behind, & wawkt backwards & forwards into the rheum 
 for a hole our, tawking 2 himself; &, onct into a wile, 
 he wood shake his head, <fe giv me a purcing gaze, &; 
 then he sez, wile, he lookt up at the sealing : " Vm only 
 an instrument — I'm only an iustrument !" 
 
 I wondurd ef he was tawking about the purpetchooal 
 motion masheen. « 
 
 Arftur dinner, which he finisht awl the rye bread & 
 muUassis we had into the house, he went 2 see the sho 
 into the tent. He pinted his finger at G. Washington 
 & sed : " Bee hold, a grater -than he air cumming, I am 
 the 4 runner of 1, ihe latches of hooz shuze I am not 
 worthy two stoop down & onluce." 
 
 " You ain't into the shoo trade, mebby ?" sez artee- 
 mass. '■ 
 
 He shook his head, which he seamed 2 try 2 shake 
 awl the hares out of it. 
 
 He lookt at the young lyon into his cage, & sez : 
 " What air he compared with the lyon of the grate 
 kaws ?" 
 
 " He's not so big as some," sez arteemass ; " but I 
 take it the 1 you tell of air not a smarter beest than 
 him." 
 
 Then uncle Ebenezer rolled up his eyes, & cut out, & 
 went a wawking into the fields till supper time, when 
 he come in & took some more rye bread & mullassis, 
 which I had got a kag from the store thet arfturenoon. 
 
304 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 So it went on for 3 days, & ho et nothing but bread 
 &; mullassis, & tawkt about shoo latches & sitch. 
 
 Onto the 3rd day, into the middle of the nite, arteee- 
 mass woke me up and sez : " Betsey Jane, air their 
 theeves into the house ?" & I chucked the bed close 
 over my head, and whispurd : "Oh! Lordy ! wot 
 makes you think so, arteemass ?" 
 
 "There's a tremenjus rackit, & hoUuring out, & I'm 
 afeared they've kilt uncle," sez he. 
 
 " Oh, grashus ! & all his grate reforms will dye with 
 him !" sez I ; & then I heerd a noyse 2 ; but 1 perceeved 
 that Uuncle Ebenezer was not dead, as he coodent hev 
 yelled so loud ef he was. 
 
 " This day air salvation come two this house !" sez 
 he, into a loud voyce ; " rise up, ye slumbering soles, <fc 
 meet the bridegroom into the way of his cumming ; 
 for this air he of hoom I spoke, the 1 that cummith 
 arfture me, the latches of hoos shuze I am not worthy 
 2 stoop down <fe onluce !" 
 
 I seed there was no theeves, only thet uncle was into 
 1 of his problematticks, & I jist slipt on my short 
 gound, & opent the door, & lookt out, & arskt him ef 
 he wanted iny thing; but be4 I could finish the words, 
 I cotch site of a grate roaring fire onto the harth, &; the 
 big pot was on, & a big piece of beef was roasting be4 
 the fire, and the tikkittle was steaming like a young 
 steamboat onto the Massysippy. 
 
IlUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 305 
 
 Sez I : " Uncle, what air you doing on ? I thawt you 
 dident ete animile food." 
 
 " Come out & meet the bridegroom !" sez he. 
 
 " I don't see none sich," sez I. 
 
 " Becaws he's putting up his hoss, & giving him a 
 feed of oats in the barn," sez he ; " but he'll be in di- 
 reckly. As for me, I'm only the 4 runner, & I ete no 
 danties; but he that cummith arfture me, come eteing 
 & drinldng, & they say, ' Behold a glutinous man & a 
 wine-bibber !" 
 
 I went out into the rheum, but I was awl of a 
 trimble, espeshully as I heerd arteemass a snoring ; for 
 as soon as he perceeved it was uncle, he dropt rite 
 asleep agin, & left me to manidge into his absence. 
 
 So I took a cheer & sot down be4 the fire, & lookt at 
 the grate roasting peace of meet that was sputtering & 
 hissing, & the blood & gravy running awl over the 
 floor ; & awl of a suddent, uncle jumpt up as ef he'd 
 been shot, & sung out : " Here he comes ! make way 
 for the Lyon of Reform !" 
 
 Then I lookt round, &; seen a tremenjus grate fat 
 man, enermost as big as our Dannel Lambut into the 
 sho, come woddling into the door, with his eyes bulg- 
 ing out of his head, & his cheeks hanging down on each 
 side, like a walrus. 
 
 " Piece be 2 this house !" sez he. 
 
 I got up & kurched. • 
 
30G BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 Then he sot down & 1 sot down, but uncle stood up 
 awl the time into his prezzenz. 
 
 " Providing for the bodd y ?" sez he. 
 
 " Yes, my lord," sez uncle Ebenezer. 
 
 Then uncle sez 2 me : " This is the grate lord of re- 
 form, which he was 2 come, & I am his 4 runner. He 
 is my kuzzing, & your uncle as well as myself. It is 
 your uncle Obed Price, akkording two the fle^h, but he 
 air your sooperior in another sense." 
 
 Then Uncle Obed sez : " Let the woman prepare the 
 feast & spread the tables ; I adopt hur from this mo- 
 ment as my handmaid, sense she's been obedyunt 2 
 the heavenly vision. Let hur bring forth the best 
 wine & kornduments, sense I'll abide at thy house 
 this day." 
 
 Then uncle come & whispurd into my ear, & sez : 
 " This personidge that you sec be4 you is the Coming 
 Man." 
 
 I sot the table & put on the solt and bread & sigh- 
 deer, & Uncle Ebenezer he fotched out the big platter 
 & put on the beef. Then he took up the vejitibbles & 
 gravy, & I poured out the tea. 
 
 The Coming Man then droo up his cheer 2 the table, 
 <fe it frightened me 2 see how he went into the wittles. 
 Uncle Eben & me did nothing but wait onto him, but 
 he cleared the platter, ete up the vejittibles; drunk up 
 all the tea & sigh-deer, & then he lookt around and 
 
HUE BOOK OF GOAKS. 307 
 
 arskt me ef I hadent a cold pullet, or a meet pye, or 
 something of that sort, for a dessart two his meel. 
 
 " It's necessary 2 *doo something, occasional for the 
 boddy," sez he ; " tho the outward man air only an 
 incumberanz thet air altogether beneath our notiss ; but 
 it's a dooty we owe 2 keep the bobby alive whilst we 
 air heer upon erth. Handmaid, can you rost a pig for 
 my brekfust in the morning, & ef you can proqure a 
 foo fowls, with bread & korfee accorduntly, you will 
 obleege me very much. I can't attend much 2 these 
 matters which relate 2 the flesh, <fe must therefore, 
 kornsign the task to you. 
 
 Nixt morning, uncle Ebenezer introduced uncle Obed 
 2 arteemass, which arteemass lookt at him very closet, 
 <fe,eggzamind him up & down, & kept his eye onto him 
 awl the time. 
 
 Then uncle Obed sed he was going 2 bild a grate 
 sitty into the wilderness, 2 be called " The sitty of 
 Truth," & there was 2 be laws into the sitty thet no- 
 boddy shood ever doo inything rong, & a man was 2 be 
 appinted 2 watch eech famuly & report ef iny of um 
 broke the Sabaoth, or committed iny sin whatsomever, 
 so that every 1 into that sitty shood be blameless." 
 
 Arteemass arskt him ef he was going 2 hev the work 
 done by korntract or giv it out 2 workmen hisself. 
 
 "That'll awl be settled in time," sez the Coming 
 Man. 
 
308 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 " He goes intirely by inspiration," sez uncle Eben- 
 ezer. 
 
 Arteernass sez: "You must be a man of grate prop- 
 perty to build a city awl yourself."' 
 
 " That air 2 come," sez the coming man ; " I'ra going 
 4th 2 raze the funs now, may I set you down for a 
 thousand dollars ?" 
 
 Artecmass kinder sinnifide that he wanted sequrity 
 ef he put in that sum. 
 
 Then the Coming Man sed " Oh! ye of little faith ! 
 Sell awl thou hast, put it into the tra'zury, & come <fc 
 follow me." 
 
 Arteemass sed nothing, but went into the tent. The 
 Coming Man went up into the villidge & sent Uncle 
 Ebenezer awl around the kuntry 2 raze the munny 
 for building the sitty of Truth, but he coodent git a 
 scent. 
 
 Then the Coming Man korncluded he had better doo 
 something for his own living, as he was getting short 
 of cash, &' he aggreed two exhibit in the sho for a 
 dollar a day as The Fat Man, 
 
 So Uncle Obed has been in the sho ever sense, <fe 
 that is the way thet we come by our Fat Man. 
 
 As for Uncle Ebenezer, he hired out onto a farm for 
 his vittles & eight dollars a month, & he sez he can 
 make more at that than he did in the compacity of 4 
 runner to the Cominsr Man. 
 
HUR BOOK OF GOAKS. 309 
 
 HIRING A HOUSE. 
 
 One spell, soon arfture me &; arteemass was jined 
 into the sakred bands of weedlock, the idee run into 
 our heads that we would go to the grate imperoarium 
 sitty of Noo York, & higher a house for 1 yeer. 
 
 Accord untly, we arrove into Noo York onto the 13 
 day of April, & arskt the peeple whare we put up how 
 we shood fnid a house. 
 
 "Without the leastest difficulty," was the ansur, 
 " the landlords hear air the most ekkomudating folks in 
 the world. Ef they node you wanted a house, they 
 would put their bildings on wheels & bring um down 
 hear 2 your boding-house, thet you mite inspeckt um 
 at your layzhur. You hev only 2 take a wawk around 
 the sitty, & when you see a bit of righting plasturd 
 onto the front neer the door, go in & arskt what's to 
 let, & they'll sho you awl about the house, & tell you 
 the price with the gratest plezzhur." 
 
 So I put on my bunnit & sholl, <fe arteemass he put 
 on his hat & buttunt up his coat, & we cut out two find 
 a house. We'd been marrid about 8 munce at that 
 time, & I found it ruther teedyus a wawking fur, but I 
 w^anted two see the house & judge of it with my own 
 eyes, & so I went with arteemass, which I aught two 
 hev stayed at homo & nust myself 
 
 We parst by kwite a lot of houses with a bit of 
 
PAO BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 righting onto um, till we come two 1 that sed upper 
 part was two let, & it was jist about as much rheum as 
 we wanted. So. arleemass nokt onto the door, but 
 noboddy come two open it. Then he nokt agin, S: I 
 nokt, but it was awl the same. 
 
 At larst the hired help come up the steps willi a 
 barsket into hur hand, & she tolled us we aught two 
 hev took holt of a little handle thet was mito 1 side of 
 the door & gove it a jurk, which it wood hev maid a 
 bell wring inside. 
 
 So, we arskt hur ef the peple was into the bildi ng. 
 She tolled us 2 stand in the hall & she'd cawl the lady. 
 
 Into a minnit, a fat Avoman come out into the hall & 
 arskt us whet we wanted. 
 
 Arteemass tuk orf his hat & maid a bough, & ansud 
 <fe sed : " We want two hire rheums, which it air onto 
 the paper thet the upper part air two let." 
 
 " Yes," sez she ; & she lookt at us as ef she were 
 going two buy us, &; then she sez : " I've got rheums." 
 
 " I take it you hev," sez arteemass ; " else it's very 
 onlikely you'd hev put thet air bit of righting up." 
 
 " I'm the owner of this house," sez she ; " &; I'm par- 
 tickular hoo I take in. I've got 2 large rheums up 
 stares, with 3 bed-rheums onto the second floor, & 2 in 
 the attucks." 
 
 " Jist the rheum we want ; how much doo you arsk 
 for it," sez I. 
 
HUK BOOK OF GOAKS. 31 1 
 
 " Thirty dollars a month, payble in advance," sez she. 
 
 " It's orful hi," sez arteemass ; " but I spose we must 
 take the rheums." 
 
 " I hope you've got good referencis," sez she ; " else 
 you can't come in." 
 
 " Yes, very good," sez arteemass. 
 
 So, she took us up 2 look at the rheums. 
 
 Arfture we had done looking at um, arteemass sed 
 he wood bring the references, nixt day. 
 
 " I hope you haint got no children," sez the landlady ; 
 " as I can't endure children : they make a noyse & hurt 
 the house." 
 
 " No, ma'am — no children," sez arteemass. 
 
 " I hope you don't use tobakker — you don't smoke 
 nor chaw. 1 can't endure tobakker smol<;e into the 
 house, & chawing air a onclean pracktus." 
 
 " Don't use tobakker," sez arteemass. 
 
 " Well, now," sez she ; " that's awl very well so fur ; 
 but I hope yu don't ever be out late o' nites. You'll 
 allus*be home by 9 okklok, I spose." 
 
 Arteemass kind o' scratched his head, but I ansurd & 
 sed : " Yes, I'll engage he won't be out late o' nites." 
 
 '• Well, you won't go up <fe down stares, I suppose 
 mourn twice a day, when you go two your biznis & 
 when you come home at nite, as these stares creeks 
 sometimes, <fe I can't bare iny disturbance ; <fe you'll be 
 expected 2 go 2 church twice every Sabaoth day." 
 
312 BETSEY JANE WARD 
 
 "No dowt," sez arteemass. 
 
 " Which place of wuship doo you attend 1 " 
 
 « Well— the— the Methodists. " 
 
 "I go two the Dutch Conformed, myself," sez she; 
 " I shood prefer 2 hev you go two the Dutch Con- 
 formed. 
 
 " You will be keerful not 2 make iny noyse over my 
 head, & two step softly when you walk acrost the 
 floor." 
 
 " Oh ! as two that," sez I ; " we'll come & cleen up 
 the house, & lock up the rheums, &; go away, & wont 
 enter the house at awl, till we come to pay your rent." 
 
 The landlady thawt a minnit & then sed ; " Well, 
 that will be aggreeable, ef you'll send somebody hear 
 every Saturday two scrub orf the stoop." 
 
 "Very well," sez arteemass & me ; but when we 
 got 2 the front door, she colled us back <fe sed : " I 
 don't no about letting you the house, arfture awl. You 
 say you've got no children, but — but you hevn't the 
 dropsy, young woman, hev you?" 
 
 " No, ma'am," sez I. 
 
 " Then," sez she ; " I no what it is. No, no, you 
 can't hev the rheums on no account whatsomever." 
 
HANS BRINKER ; 
 
 OE, 
 
 THE ^ILA^ER SKA-TES. 
 
 By Mes. M. E. dodge, 
 
 AUTHOR OF "the IRVINGTON STORIES." 
 
 A Story of Life in Holland. Elegantly ill\istrated by Darlbt and 
 others. 
 
 1 Volume, ricbly bound in fine cloth. Price $2.00. 
 
 This is a child's book, in the very highest sense of that term. A 
 book which, by its perfect naturalness and keen appreciation of all 
 that constitutes the joys and sorrows of young hearts, will be an 
 ever- welcome companion for childhood ; while the amount of valuable 
 information it contains, and its entire freedom from every thing weak 
 and puerile, will cause ic to be read with interest by all who retair 
 aught of the freshness of their earlier years. 
 
 The story is admirably conceived — the characters varied, and drawn 
 to the life. The descriptions of scenery are so truthful that they 
 appear more like the work of Gerard Douw's pencil than an author's 
 pen. 
 
 The frugal, kind-hearted mother; the half-idiotic father; the 
 brave-hearted, good boy, Hans ; his sweet-voiced, gentle sister, 
 Gretel, are creations of which any author might be proud. Nor is 
 the work studded with ideal personages, all 
 " Too bright and good 
 For human nature's daily food," 
 
 fbr its pages are ahve with characters of every grade. Like some 
 of the good old Holland drinks, the work is richly spiced with genu- 
 ine fun and jollity. It is a rich, rare work that will infuse healtlifuJ 
 instruction and genial good-humor into the mind and heart of all 
 who are lucky enough to receive it as an instalment of Old Santa 
 Claus's good gifts ; while it will extend the enviable reputation of 
 its gifted and accompHshed authoress. 
 
 Published by JAMES O'KANE, 
 
 126 Nassau Street, New York. 
 
THE IRVINGTON STORIES. 
 
 FIFTH EDITION. 
 
 BY THE 
 
 AUTHOR OF "HANSBRINKER; OR, THE SILVER SKATES." 
 
 Elegantly illustrated with five exquisite designs by F. O. C. Daeley, Esq. 
 
 1 Vol., richly bound in cloth. Price, $1 50. 
 
 No Juvenile Book of the day has awakened more general interest, 
 or won more enthusiastic commendation from "the press," than 
 "The Irvington" Stories." Published during the last holiday- 
 season, it has already reached its fifth edition. Every American 
 girl and boy should read it. In order that the favorable "notices" 
 which have appeared may have wider publicity, we append brief 
 extracts from a few of the many which have fallen imder our ob- 
 servation. 
 
 " » * » The Irvington Stories are not sermons in words of two syllables ; thev are not prosy ; 
 bat what is gracious and lovely in childhood is appealed to Indirectly, with sometning of motherly 
 tendemesa in the tone. Good books for children are so rare, and books to make little spoonies so 
 common, that we are glad to say a word in praise of one so graceful and pleasing." — North American 
 Review, 
 
 "There are seven stories here, and a spirited lyric called 'The Boy's Battle Song.' A capital 
 story of the war, entitled 'The Drummer Boy,' is very superior to the ordinary run of such tales. 
 But Mrs. Dodge is even more successful in pure fiction. "Hans Christian Anderson might be proud of 
 'Cushamee; or, the Boy's Walk;' and the fairy legend of 'The Golden Gate,' and the Indian tale 
 of 'Po-no-kah,' will charm young folks. The fine illustrations by Darley are beautifully engraved." 
 — Ameriean Literary Gazette and Publishers' Circular, 
 
 « » » * Worthy of warm commendation for their simplicity and liveliness, and their exceUent 
 adaptation to the tastes of youthful readers." — N. Y. Tribune. 
 
 "An unusually attractive holiday-book for the young. * ♦ * The tone of the work is emi- 
 nently patriotic and American, and it must deeply interest boy readers."— JV. Y. Evening Post. 
 
 " ♦ * * Mrs. Dodge wields a captivating pen for the yonng."— JV. F. Independent. 
 
 " The style is unusually graphic and free ; and the material of each story is well suited to interest 
 the youthful mind. We commend the book as one of the best of the season."— iV. Y. Times. 
 
 " The Irvington Stories would have pleased Washington Irving, had they been out when he lived. 
 They appeal to the man who loves chUJren as well as to the children who love story-telling men 
 and women. » * * We alternately admire their freshness of fancv, skill in description, ease of 
 narrative, and aptness for catching the spirit of childish dialogue." — JV. T. Leader, 
 
 « » • * We can promise our young friends (and their seniors who wish to be amused) a great 
 deal of entertainment and instruction from this volame."— Philadelphia Press. 
 
 "The most attractive contribution to the juvenile literature of the season. * * * Mrs. Dodge 
 evinces a just appreciation of the mental capacity of youth ; and, while playing with its fancy, adapts 
 her efforts to the development of the finer instincts of its moral nature." — Newark Daily Adeertiser. 
 
 "A little bouquet of stories, admirably told by a lady who has looked Into the hearts of the 
 children, and has learned what they crave. Nothing about them that is not pure : nothing about 
 them that is not beautiful. We hope, for the children's sake, 'The Irvington Stories' are not all 
 told." — Chicago Eve. Journal. 
 
 Sent by mail, on receipt of price, by 
 
 JAMES O'KANE, Publishee, 
 
 126 Nassau stbesx. 
 
THE 
 
 BOYS OF THE BIBLE. 
 
 By henry L. WILLIAMS, Jr. 
 
 Splendidly Illustrated^ with six Beautiful Engravings^ hy Orr, 
 
 With the author, this work has been a labor of love. All the 
 young worthies, whose good deeds, "like a lily in bloom," threw a 
 glorious lialo over the annals of God's chosen people, are here pre- 
 sented to the reader in the truest, and therefore the most attractive 
 guise. Not only do we stand beside SHoam's Shady Pool, and hear 
 the rustle of the date and palm trees, but we seem to stand in the 
 bodily presence of Joseph, of Samuel, of David, and of Solomon, and 
 see them re-enact the deeds, and again -utter the oracles, that have 
 embalmed their names in millions of Christian memories. 
 1 TOl.) splendidly bonnd, 12mo size, 312 pp., priee $1 50 
 
 THE 
 
 GIRLS OF THE BIBLE. 
 
 By p. C. HEADLEY, 
 
 With Elegant Illustrations. 
 
 The dullest imagination would be exalted and inspired by such a 
 theme ; judge, then, what an interesting work this must be, written 
 by a lady of brilliant genius, and true piety. Never have the his- 
 tories of " The Girls of the Bible " found so skillful and attractive 
 a narrator, as in the author of this excellent book. Every mother 
 should see that her daughters have this book, — we will engage 
 they will peruse it again and again. 
 1 Tol. 12mo, 284 pp., price $1 50 
 
 Sold hy all BooJcsellers, and will he sent post-paid to any 
 address, on receipt of price, 
 
 By JAMES O'KANE, Publisher, 
 
 126 Nassau Street. 
 
Remy St. Remy; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE BOY IlSr BLXTTi: 
 
 AN EXILE FROM EAST TENNESSEE. 
 
 By Mrs. C. II. GILDERSLEEVE, of Hartford. 
 
 Among the books elicited by the terrible rebellion, none will prove 
 more lastingly full of interest than this work. The authoress has 
 seized upon some of the strange, eventful scenes, that have rendered 
 so many spots hallowed ground. The book is a portion of our re- 
 planting of Liberty, carefully and conscientiously prepared. 
 
 12nio, cloth, beveled, price $1 50 
 
 BOOR OF RHYMES AW PUZZLES. 
 
 This book bears the same comparison to the general run of humor- 
 ous works, that a healthy laugh does to a sickly smile. It is brimful 
 of genuine, jovial, side-splitting fun. There is a hearty laugh in 
 every rhyme, and a dozen of them in every picture. The rhymea 
 are decidedly good, but the pictures,^they are "better ash goot." 
 Such a " Budget of Fun " was never packed into one " Knapsack " 
 before. The editor of Punch might find a whole volume of " Yankee 
 Notions " between its strong covers. 
 1 vol., 12mo, cloth, price $2 00 
 
 Sold hy all Booksellers^ and will he sent post-paid to any 
 address^ on receipt of price^ 
 
 By 7AMES O'KANE, Publisher, 
 I 126 Nassau Street. 
 
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