% ^>. i) cx? -1 > -3 ^ ^^OMn\i\ Hr-' 1 < CO vV Si 2£ -J > < ,-^ OiO'^ ^ v.iiiAlMII lU'. c 2= >;,OFCAllF0Mv. CJ C2 ■^J. Ci Jt ^. .w :,M)jniu\ ■^ \>^ -nrr OF-CAIIFO."' : IVjJO' .■'.. \ , nn 1 r\v/ ^^ ^(jt ii>ii\nrnf/v inc iiirrif.^ . <• I mil I nv \ > 'aujiiYjj>^i ix- ^ \ i( ? «.' .v-im-ANrrifr. ^.v ^*OFCAllfO% fi «? ]RIE,"V» W. l?If , MAXWELL o .y'^6.i>Lp?- ^' G^^^^f-a^ ^'' . .^/.^ Xonaon PabUaiea. "by Biaiari Bea-Qey, If 59. ERIN-GO-BRAGH; OR, IRISH LIFE PICTURES. BY W. H. MAXWELL, AUTHOR OF " STORIES OF WATERLOO," " WILD SPORTS OF THE WEST," " THE BIVOUAC," &C. IN TWO VOLUMES. VOL. L LONDON: RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET. 3859. LONDON : Printed by A. Schulze, 13, Poland Street. p 1/ 1 ADVERTISEMENT. The following Stories and Sketches first ap- peared in a popular Periodical, and complete the Series of Tales, grave and gay, of this fa- vourite writer, who in the peculiar and fasci- nating character of his genius, resembles the memorable Ballads of his own native land. The ' Stories Waterloo' and other ec{ually popular Tales of this rarely gifted writer, are acknowledged to rank among the most attractive modern works of fiction. London, September 22, 1859. CONTENTS OP THE FIRST VOLUME. Page Biographical Sketch of the Author. By Dr. Maginn, with a Portrait. . vii Frank Hamilton ; or, the Confessions of an only Son. . 1 An Incursion into Connemara, with an Account of a Travel- ler who survived it 53 Albert Murdock 80 Dionysius O'Dogherty, Esq., with a few Extracts from his Diary 103 A short Biography of a Gentleman from Ireland. . . 134 Last Scenes of the Condemned. 163 Terence O'Shaughnessy's first attempt to get married. . 188 Robert Emmett and Ai'thur Aylmcr ; or, Dublin in 1803 . 222 Richard RalFerty ; or, the Irish Fortune-Huuter. . .285 Adventures of a Freshman Fifty Years ago. . . . 332 The Forest Ride of a West India Planter. . .351 BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF WILLIAM HAMILTON MAXWELL. BY DR. MAGINN. Prefixed to this work, good reader, you will behold the comely countenance of the author of the Stories of Waterloo, and many other polemical works of the same school. If not exactly painted con amore, it is nevertheless drawn by Lover, which is a tolerable guarantee for its excellence in every respect ; and yet we do not think due justice done to the facial appearance of William Hamilton INIaxwell. But Lover will exclaim, " How is it to be expected that my brush or Greatbach's burin should impress upon paper or canvas that face ?" Tom Moore has somewhere said that Sheridan's genius resembled a peacock's tail, which compliment wc imagine would have tickled the risible faculties of that red-beaked senator and VUl BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF dramatist. But we suppose tliat Tom, of whom we speak in the highest honour, intended to say that in variety of brilliant colouring, and ever- changing diversity of beautiful tint, Sheridan's talent was deserving of being compared to one of the finest, gayest, grandest, and most graceful things in nature. Now, if Sheridan's mind was like a peacock's tail, and therefore hard to be de- picted in a stationary drawing, how can it be ex- pected that Maxwell's face, which is in no particu- lar like a peacock's tail, but something far more splendid, is to be caught simpered and simmered down into one standing position? " Sir," continues Lover, for it is he who has been speaking all this time, though we have made a sort of jumble of ourselves with his oration, — " Sir, I tell you that Maxwell has fifty faces, all of them indicative of genius, frolic, wit, fun, knowledge of the world, good-nature, and good-humour ; and as for his nose, why to quote Tom Moore once again, ' Rich and rare are the gems it wears ;' — gems, no doubt, purchased at a price which would have bought up any brilliant in the world short of the Pitt diamond." He is of soldier-romance-mongers the first. Mind, we are not going to disparage Gleig of the ' Subaltern,' Hamilton of ' Cyril Thornton,' or any WILLIAM HAMILTON MAXWELL. IX of the otlier gentlemen who have turned the sword not into a ploughshare, but into as hard-working an instrument — a pen ; but among rollicking describers of fights, campaigns, sieges, carousings, riotings, love-makings, and all other matters con- nected with the pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious war, he decidedly bears off the bell. He does not venture at long set stories, decked out and arrayed into all the full three-volumed dignity of a novel : — no, he tiings off his tales as if they were so many tumblers of punch, hot and strong, pleasant and heart-cheering, hastily mixed, and as hastily disposed of. It needs no particular power of critical discernment to discover that Maxwell's acquaintance with the scenes which he describes is anything but theoretical. In fact, though now a man of peace, he was once a man of war, — a jolly grenadier in the Eighty-eighth, standing some six feet two, and coming in for a slice at the close of the Peninsular campaigns, and taking his share at the battle of Waterloo. But when the melancholy days of disbanding came, and fun had departed out of the world, When the army was gouc, and llic navy adrift, And the sailor paid off, and the soldier bereft; When half-pay to the captain poor cheor did afford. And the Duke was no more than a Government lord, X BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF as a brother Coniiauglit Ranger sings, then adopting Sir Walter Raleigh's motto, Tam Marti, quam Mercurio, fincUng that Mars was gone, he applied himself to the god of eloquence and per- suasion, turned his military cloak into a surplice, gave up the charges of the Duke of Wellington for those of the Archbishop of Tuam, abandoned the Articles of War for the Articles of the Church, and, unwilling to leave the service altogether, took to the service of the Liturgy. He then be- came Prebendary of Balha, — still a see among the canons — in Tuam. That he waged war upon the devil and all his angels, most theologically, we doubt not ; but here we are recording him only as an author upon more mundane sub- jects. The war (we need not say what war, for this generation, and many more, will pass over before another war will turn up to put down that which ended at AVaterloo, from its post of being the War par excellence) and Ireland are his own. Maxwell, in his sketches ofthe gentleman class of Ireland in their hours of relaxation, and in their own wild, untameable, and somewhat ferocious jollity, or violence, being of them, in blood and bone, he and his people before him for many a long day, — is quite at home, — not AVILLIAM HAMILTON MAXWELL. XI only with his ow^n Wihl Sportsman of the West, but with all that horsewhip-hanclling, trigger- pulling, lady -killing, claret- drinking, steeple- chasing, hot-headed, puzzle-pated, tumultuous race of gentlemen, who, issuing from " Ould Thrinity," led a noisy reckless life, fearing no- body but a dun or a sheriflp's officer, eternally in debt or drink, or duelhng, or all three together ; usually highly bred and weW travelled, almost always generous, though seldom just, unques- tionably brave, (at least it would not have been particularly safe to question it,) taking no wrong, and giving very little right; governed by the most curious, and the most curiously extended, code of honour ever devised, and covering a mul- titude of sins by everlasting good-humour and — a pistol. These noble specimens of mankind are, alas ! fast passing away before the baleful effects of civilisation, rail-roads, steam-boats, and the schoolmaster abroad, — as much, we suppose, to the distaste of Maxwell, as of the late Sir Jonah Barrington. As it is fit, then, that some record of them should remain, none can supply it better than the soldier-scholar, gentleman of blood, and Irishman of birth. But it w^ould be unjust if we were to confine his praises to mere jocular or romantic writing. In XU BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH. his 'Victories of the British Armies/ he dis- covered a mind replete with stores of ample infor- mation on almost all subjects, long trains of well considered reflections, high and honourable feel- ings, generosity to conquered enemies, and proud patriotism in recounting the gallant deeds of conquering friends. And his ' Life of the Duke of Wellington ' is a book worthy of its hero. Remains it only to mention, that Maxwell was a fine, dashing-looking, long, well-knit fellow, whose age was, at the time Lover sketched his portrait, about that of his national game, i. e. five-and-forty. Besides the works already alluded to, Mr. Maxwell was the author of the following popular productions, ' My Life,' ' The Bivouac,' ' Hector O'Halloran,' 'Brian O'Linn,' 'Hill Side and Border Sketches,' and the ' Irish Life Pictm^es,' now presented in a collected form to the public. This diverting and able writer died at Mussel- burgh, near Edinburgh, December 29, 1850, in his sixty-second year. ERIN-GO-BEAGH. FRANK HAMILTON; OR, THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ONLY SON. CHAPTER I. "mal. 'Tis but fortune ; all is fortune." TWELFTH NIGHT. I AM by birth an Irishman, and descended from an ancient family. I lay no claim to any connexion with Brian Boru, or Malichi of the crown of gold, a gentleman who, notvvitli- standing the poetical authority of Tom Moore, we have some reason to believe durin"; his lone: and illustrious reign was never master of a crown sterling. My ancestor was Colonel Hamilton, as stout a Cromwellian as ever led a VOL. I. 11 2 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OH, squadron of Noll's Ironsides to a charge. If my education was not of the first order, it was for no lack of instructors. My father, a half- pay dragoon, had me on the pig-skin before my legs were long enough to reach the saddle-skirt ; the keeper, in proper time, taught me to shoot : a retired gentleman, olim, of the Welsh fusileers, witli a single leg and sixty pounds per annum, paid quarterly by Greenwood and Cox, indoc- trinated me in the mystery of tying a fly, and casting the same correctly. The curate — the least successful of the lot, poor man, did his best to communicate Greek and Latin, and my cousin Constance gave me my first lessons in the art of love. All were able professors in their way, but cousin Constance was infinitely the most agreeable. 1 am by accident an only son. My mother, in two years after she had sworn obedience at the altar, presented her liege lord with a couple of pledges of connubial love, and the gender of both was mascuhne. Twelve years elapsed and no addition was made to the Hamiltons ; when lo ! upon a fine spring morning a httle Benjamin was ushered into existence, and I was the God- send. My father never could be persuaded that there was a gentlemanly profession in the world IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 6 but one, and that was the trade of arms. My brothers, as they grew up, entirely coincided with him in opinion, and both would be soldiers. Wilham died sword in hand, crowning the great breach at llodrigo ; and Henry, after demolish- ing three or four cuirassiers of the Imperial Guard, found his last resting-place on "red Waterloo." When they were named, my father's eye would kindle, and my mother's be suffused with tears. He played a fic- titious part, enacted the Roman, and would persuade you that he exulted in their deaths ; but my mother played the true one, the woman's. It was an autumnal evening, just when you smell the first indication of winter in a rarified atmosphere, and see it in the clear curling of the smoke, as its woolly flakes rise from the cottage chimney, and gradually are lost in the clear blue sky. Although not a cold evening, a log-wood fire was extremely welcome. My father. Heaven rest him ! had a slight touch in the toe of what finished him afterwards in the stomach, namely, gout. " James," said my lady mother, *• it is time we came to some decision regarding what we have been talking of for the last twelve B 2 4 ERIN-GO-BRAG H ; OR, montlis. Frank will be eighteen next Wednes- day." " Paitli 1 it is time, my dear Mary ; the premises are true, but the difficulty is to come at the conclusion." " You know, my love, that only for your pension and half-pay, from the tre- mendous depreciation in agricultural property since the peace, we should be obliged to lay down the old carriage, as you had to part with the harriers the year after Water- loo." That to my father was a heavy hit. " It was a devil of a sacrifice, Mary," — and he sighed, " to give up the sweetest pack that ever man rode to ; one, that for a mile's run you could have covered with a blanket — heigh-ho ! God's will be done ;" and after that pious adjuration, my father turned down his tumbler No. 3, to the bottom. The memory of the lost harriers was always a painful recollection, and brought its silent evidence that the fortunes of the Hamiltons were not what they were a hundred years ago. " With all my care," continued my mother, " and, as you know, I economise to the best of my judgment, and after all is done that can be IRISH LIFE PICTURES. (lone, our income barely will defray the outlay of our household." " Or, as we used to say when I was dragoon- ing thirty years ago, ' the tongue will scarcely meet the buckle/ " responded the colonel. " I have been thinking," said my mother, timidly, " that Prank might go to the bar." " I would rather that he went direct to the devil," roared the commander, who hated law- yers, and whose great toe had at the moment undergone a disagreeable visitation, " Do not lose temper, dear James," and she laid down her knitting to replace the hassock that he had kicked away under the painful irri- tation of a disease that a stoic could not stand with patience, and, as they would say in Ireland, would fully justify a Quaker if " he kicked his mother." " Curse the bar !" but he acknowledged his lady wife's kind offices by tapping her afiection- ately on the cheek. " When I was a boy, Mary, a lawyer and a gentleman were identified. Like the army — and, thank God ! that is still intact, none l)ut a man of decent pretensions claimed a gown, no more than a linendraper's ajjprentice now would aspire to an ejjaulet. Is there a low fellow who has saved a few hundreds by retailing 6 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, whiskey by the naggin, who will not have his son 'Mister Counseller O' Whack,' or 'Mister Barrister O'Finnigan?' No, no, if you must have Frank bred to a local profession, make him an apothecary; a twenty pound note will find drawers, drugs, and bottles. Occasionally he may be useful ; pound honestly at his mortar, salve a broken head, carry the country news about, and he down at night with a tolerably quiet con- science. He may have hastened a patient to his account by a trifling over-dose ; but he has not hurried men into villainous litigation, that will eventuate in their ruin. His worst offence against the community shall be a mistaking of tooth-ache for tic- douloureux, and lumbago for gout, — oh, d — n the gout !" — for at that portion of his speech the poor colonel had sustained an awful twinge. " Well," continued the dame, " would you feel inclined to let him enter the University, and take orders ?" " Become a churchman ?" and away, with a furious kick, again went the hassock. " You should say, in simple English, make him a curate for the terra of natural life. The church in Ireland, Mary, is like the bar, it once was tenanted by gentlemen who had birth, worth. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 7 piety, learning, or all united to recommend tlieni to promotion. Now it is an arena where impure influence tilts against unblushing hypocrisy. The race is between some shuffling old lawyer, or a canting saint. One has reached the wool- sack by political thimble-rigging, which means, starting patriot, and turning, when the price is offered, a ministerial hack. He forks a drunken dean, his son, into a Father-in-Godship with all the trifling temporalities attendant on the same. Well, the other fellow is a ' regular go-a-head,' denounces popery, calculates the millenium, alarms thereby elderly women of both sexes, edifies old maids, who retire to their closets in the evening with the Bible in one hand, and a brandy-bottle in the other; and what he hkes best, spiritualizes with the younger ones." " Stop, dear James." The emphasis on the word spiritualize had alarmed my mother, who, to tell the ti-uth, had a slight touch of the ])re- vailing malady, and, but for the counteracting infliicnce of the commander, might have been deluded into saintship by degrees. The great toe was, however, again awfully invaded, and my father's spiritual state of mind not iit all improved by the second twinge, wliicii was a heavv one. 8 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, " Why, damn it—" " Don't curse, dear James." " Cm^se ! I will ; for if you had the gout, yon would swear like a trooper." " Indeed I would not." " Ah, Mary," replied my father, " between twinges, if you knew the comfort of a curse or two — it relieves one so." " That, indeed, James must be but sorry con- solation, as Mr. Cantwell said — " " Oh ! d — n Cantwell," roared my father, " a fellow that will tell you that there is but one path to heaven, and that he has discovered it. Pish ! dear Mary, the grand route is open as the mail-coach road, and Papist and Protes- tant, Quaker and Anabaptist, may jog along at even pace. I'm not altogether sure about Jews and Methodists. One bearded vagabond at Portsmouth charged me, when I was going to the Peninsula, ten shillings a pound for ex- changing bank notes for specie, and every guinea the circumcised scoundrel gave me w^as a light one. He'll fry — or has fried already — and my poor bewildered old aunt, under the skilful management of the Methodist preachers, who, for a dozen years in their rambles, had made her house an inn, left the three thousand five per IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 9 cents, which I expected, to blow the gospel- trumpet, either in Cahfornia or the Cape — for, God knows, I never particularly inquired in which country the trumpeter w^as to sound ' boot and saddle,' after I had ascertained that the doting fool had made a legal testament quite surficient for the purposes of the holy knaves who humbugged her. Cantwell is one of the same crew, a specious hypocrite, I would attend to the fellow no more than to that red-headed rector — every priest is a rector now — who often held my horse at his father's forge, when I hap- pened to throw a shoe, hunting, — and would half break his back in bowing, if I handed him now and then a sixpence. Would I believe the dictnni of that low-born dog, when he told me that in head-quarters," — and my father elevated his hand towards heaven — "they cared this pinch of snuff, whether upon a Friday I ate a rasher or red-herring ?" Two episodes interrupted the polemical dis- quisition. In character none could be more dif- ferent — the one eventuated in a clean knock down — the other decided indirectly my future fortunes — and, in the next chapter, both shall l)e detailed. B 3 10 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, CHAPTEU 11. " ANT. Thou knovr'st that all my fortunes are at sea, Nor have I money, nor commodity, To raise a present sum." MEKCHANT OF VENICE. The Boheeil Kistanaugh, called, in plain Eng- lish, the kitchen boy, had entered, not like Caliban, "bearing a log," but with a basket- full. He deposited the supply, and was directed by the commander to replenish the fire. I believe that Petereeine's allegiance to my father originated in fear rather than affection. He dreaded " the deep damnation of his ' Bah !' " but what was a still more formidable considera- tion, was a black-thorn stick which the colonel had carried since he gave up the sword ; it was a beauty, upon which every fellow that came for law, in or out of custody, lavished his admira- IRISH LITE PICTURES. 1 1 tion — a clean crop, with three inches of an iron ferule on tlie extremity. jMy father was, " good easy man," a true Milesian philosopher — his arguments were those impressive ones, called ad hominem, and after he had grassed his man, he explained the reason at his leisure. Petereeine (little Peter), as he was called, to distinguish him from another of that apostolic name — who was six feet two — approached the colonel in his best state of health with much alarm ; but, when a fit of the gout was on — when a foot swathed in flannel, or slippered and rested on a hassock, announced the anthritic visitation, Petereeine would hold strong doubts whethiT, had the choice been allowed, he should not have preferred entering one of Van Am- burgh's dens, to facing the commander in the dhiing-room. Petereeine was nervous — he had over-heard his master blowing to the skies the Reverend George Cantwell, and the red-headed rector, Paul Macrony. If a parson and a priest were so treated, wdiat chance had he ? and great was his trepidation, accordingly, when he entered the state chamber, as in duty bound. " Why the devil did you not answer tlie IkU? 12 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, You knew well enough, you incorrigible scoun- drel ! that I wanted you." Now my father's opening address was not cal- culated to restore Petereeine's mental serenity — and to add to his uneasiness, he also caught sight of that infernal implement, the black- thorn, which, in treacherous repose, was resting at my father's elbow. '' On with some wood, you vagabond." The order was obeyed — and Petereeine con- veyed a couple of billets safely from the basket to the grate. The next essay, however, was a failure — the third looj fell — and if the fall were not great, as it dropped on the fender, it cer- tainly was very noisy. The accident was harm- less — for, according to honest admeasurement, it evaded my father's foot by a full yard — but, under nervous alarm, he swore, and, as troopers will swear, that it had descended direct upon his afflicted member, and, consequently, that he was ruined for life. This was a subsequent explanation — while the unhappy youth was extended on the hearth-rug, protesting inno- cence, and also declaring that his jaw-bone was fractured. The fall of the billet and the boy were things simultaneous — and while my mother, in great alarm, inculcated patience IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 13 under suffering, and hinted at resignation, my father, in return, swore awfully, that no man with a toe of treble its natin-al dimensions, and scarlet as a soldier's jacket, had ever })ossessed either of these Christian articles. My mother quoted the case of Job — and my father begged to inquire if there was any authority to prove that Job ever had the gout ? In the meantime, the kitchen-boy had gathered himself up and departed — and as he left the presence with his hand pressed upon his cheek, loud were his lamentations. Constance and I, nobody enjoyed the ridiculous more than she did, laughed hear- tily, while the colonel resented this want of sympathy, by calling us a brace of fools, and expressing his settled conviction, that were he the commander, hanged, we, the delinquents, would giggle at the foot of the gallows. Such was the state of affairs, when the en- trance of the chief butler harbingered other occurrences, and much more serious than poor Petereeine's damaged jaw. Mick Kalligan had been in the " heavies" with my father, and at Salamanca, had ridden the opening charge, side by side with him, greatly to the detriment of divers Frenchmen, ;md nuich to the satisfaction of his present master. In executing this 14 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, acliievemeiit, Mick had been a considerable suf- ferer — his ribs having been invaded by a red- lancer of the guard — while a chasseur-a-cheval had inserted a lasting token of his affection across his right cheek, extremely honourable, but by no means ornamental. Mick laid a couple of newspapers, and as many letters, on the table — but before we proceed to open either, we will favour the reader with another peep into our family his- tory. Manifold are the ruinous phantasies which lead unhappy mortals to pandemonium. This one has a fancy for the turf, another patronizes the last imported choryphee. The turf is gene- rally a settler — the stage is also a safe road to a safe settlement, and between a race-horse and a danseuse, we would not give a sixpence for choice. Now, as far as horse-flesh went, my grandfather was innocent ; a pirouette or pas seul, barring an Irish jig, he had never witnessed in his life — but he had discovered as good a method for settUng a private gentleman. He had an inveterate fancy for electioneering. The man who would reform state abuses, deserves well of his country; there is a great deal of patriotism in Ireland ; in fact, it is, like linen, a IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 15 staple article generally, but still the best pay- master is safe to win ; and hence, my poor grandfather generally lost the race. ]\Iy father looked very suspiciously at the letters — one had his own armorial bearing dis- played in red wax — and the formal direction was at a glance detected to be that of his aunt Catherine — Catherine's missives were never agreeable — she had a rent charge on the pro- perty for a couple of thousands ; and, like Moses and Son, her system was "quick returns," and the interest was consequently ex- pected to the day. For a few seconds my father hesitated, but he manfully broke the seal — mut- tering, audibly, " What can the old ratttle-trap write about ? Her interest-money is not due for another fortnight." He threw his eyes hastily over the contents — his colour heightened — and my aunt Cathcrhie's epistle was flung, and most unceremoniously, upon the ground — the hope that accompanied the act, being the reverse of a benediction. " Is there anything wrong, dear James ?" in- quired my mother, in her usual quiet and timid tone. "Wrong!" thundered my father; "Frank will read this spiritual production to you. Every 16 ERIN-GO-BRAGH; OR, line breathes a deep anxiety on old Kitty's part for my soul's welfare, earthly considerations being non-important. Read, Frank, and if you will not devoutly wish that the doting fool was at the dev — " " Stop, my dear James." " Well — read, Frank, and say, when you hear the contents, whether you would be particularly sorry to learn that the old lady had, as sailors say, her hands well greased, and a fast hold upon the moon ? Read, d — n it, man ! there's no trouble in decyphering my aunt Catherine's pen- manship. Her's is not what Tony Lumpkin complained of — a cursed cramped hand ; all clear and unmistakable — the ^'s accurately stroked across, and the i's dotted to a nicety. Go on — read, man, read." I obeyed the order, and thus ran the missive, my honoured father adding a running com- mentary at every important passage : we shall place them in italics : — " ' My dear nephew,' " " Oh, her affection .'" " ' If, by a merciful dispensation, I shall be permitted to have a few spiritual minded friends to-morrow, at four o'clock, at dinner — " ' IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 17 " Temps miliiaire — they won't fail you, my old girl " ' I shall then have reached an age to which few arrive — look to the psalm — namely, to eighty-' " " She's eighty -three.'' " ' I have, under the mercy of Providence, and the ministry of a chosen vessel, the Reverend Carter Kettlcvvell, and also a worshipping Christ- ian learned in the law, namely, Mr. Sclby Sly, put my earthly house in order. Wovdd that spiritual preparations could be as easily accom- plished ; but yet I feel well convinced that mine is a state of grace, and Mr. Kettlewell gives me a comfortable assurance that hi me the old man is crucified — ' " " Did you ever listen to such rascally cant ?" " ' I have given instructions to Mr. Sly to make my will, and Mr. Kettlewell has kindly consented to be the trustee and executor — ' " *' Now comes the villainy, no douht." " ' I have devised — may the oftbring be gra- ciously received ! — all that I shall die possessed of to make an addition to support those devoted soldiers — not, dear nephew, soldiers in yodr carnal meaning of the word — but the ministers of the gospel, who labour in New Zealand. 18 ERTN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, These inestimable men, whose courage is ahnost supernatural, and who — ' " " Pish — what an old twaddler /" " ' Although annually eaten by converted cannibals, still press forward at the trumpet- call—' " "/ wonder what sort of a grill old Kate would make ? cursed tough, I fancy.*' " ' I have added my mite to a fund already established to send assistance there — ' " " Ay, to Christianise, and, in return, he car- bonadoed. I wish I had charge of the gridiron ; I would broil one or two of the new recruits." " ' I have called in, under Mr. Sly's advice, the mortgage granted to the late Sir George O'Gorman, by my ever-to-be-lamented husband, and the other portions of my property, being in state securities, are reclaimable at once. My object in writing this letter is to convey to my dear nephew my heartfelt prayers for his spiritual amendment, and also to intimate that the 2000/. — a rent-charge on the Kilnavaggart property — w^ith the running quarter's interest, shall be paid at La Touche's to the order of Messrs. Kettlewell and Sly. As the blindness of the New Zealanders is deplorable, and as Mr. Kettlewell has already enlisted some gallant champions who will blow IRTSH LIFE PICTURES. 10 the gospel-trumpet, although they were served up to supper the same evenhig, I wish the object to be carried out at ouce. — ' " " Beautiful /" said my poor father with a groau ; " ivhere the devil could the money he raised ? You won't realise now for a bullock what, in war-time, you would get for a calf. Go on with the old harridan's epistle." " ' Having now got rid of fleshly considerations — I mean money ones — let me, my dear James, offer a word in season. Remember that it comes from an attached relation, who holds your world- ly affairs as nothing — ' " " / can't dispute that," said my father with a smothered groan. " ' But would turn your attention to the more important considerations of our being. I would not lean too heavily upon the bruised reed, but your early life was anything but evangelical — ' " Constance laughed ; she could not, wild girl, avoid it. " ' We must all give an account of our steward- ship,' vide St. Luke, chap. xvi. — ' " " Stop — Shalcspeare's right ; luhen the devil quotes Scripture — but, go on — Let's have the whole dose." "'When can you pay the money in? And, 20 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, oh ! in you, my dear nephew, may grace yet fructify, and may you be brought, even at the eleventh hour, to a slow conviction that all on this earth is vanity and vexation of spirit — drums, colours, scarlet and fine linen, hounds running after hares, women whirling round, as they tell me they do, in that invention of the evil one called a waltz, all these are but delusions of the enemy, and designed to lead sinners to des- truction. I transcribe a verse from a most aflPecting hymn, composed by that gifted man — ' " " 0/i, d—n the hymn /" roared my father ; " on with you, Frank, and my henison light on the composer of it ! Don^t stop to favour us with his name, and pass over the filthy doggrel." I proceeded under orders accordingly. *' ' Remember, James, you are now sixty-one ; repent, and, even in the eleventh hour, you may be phicked like a brand from the fire. Avoid swearing, mortify the flesh — that is, don't take a third tumbler after dinner — ' " My father could not stand it longer. " Oh, may CromwelV s curse light upon her! I wonder how many glasses of brandy-and-water she swal- lows at evening exercise, as she calls it, over a chapter of Timothy ?" I would not recall the past, but for the <( I IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 21 purpose of wholesome admonition. The year before you married, and gave up the godless life of soldering, can you forget that I found you, at one in the morning a.m., in Bridget Donovan's room ? Your excuse was, that you had got the colic ; if you had, why not come to my chamber, where you knew there was laudanum and lavender?' Poor Constance could not stand this fresh allegation ; and, while my mother looked very grave, we laughed, as Scrub says, " consumedly." My father muttered something about " cursed nonsense!" but I am inclined to think that aunt Catherine's colic charge was not without founda- tion. " ' I have now, James, discharged my duty : may my humble attempts to arouse you to a sense of the danger of standing on the brink of the pit of perdition be blessed ! Pay the prin- cipal and interest over to La Touche. Mr. Selby Slv huited that a foreclosure of the morto:ao;e might expedite matters ; and, by saving a term or two in getting in the money, two or three hundred New Zealanders would — and oh, James ! how gratifying would be the reflection ! — be saved from the wrath to come. " ' This morning, on looking over your mar- 22 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, riage settlement, Mr. Sly is of opinion that, if Mrs. Hamilton will renounce certain rights, he can raise the money at once, and that too only at legal interest, say six per cent. — ' " Often had I witnessed a paternal explosion ; but, when it was hinted that the marital rights of my poor mother w^ere to be sacrificed, his fury amounted almost to madness. " Damnation !" he exclaimed ; " confusion light upon the letter and the letter- writer ! You ! — do an act to invalidate your settlement ! I would see first every canting vagabond in " and he named a disagreeable locality. " Never, Mary ! pitch that paper away : I dread that at the end of it the old lunatic will inflict her bene- diction. Frank, pack your traps — you must catch the mail to-night; you'll be in town by eight o'clock to-morrow morning. Be at Sly's office at nine. D — n the gout ! — I should have done the job myself. Beat the scoundrel as nearly to death as you think you can conscien- tiously go without committing absolute murder ; next, pay a morning visit to Kettlewell, and, if you leave him in a condition to mount the pulpit for a month, I '11 never acknowledge you. Brea:k that other seal ; probably, the contents may prove as agreeable as old Kitty's." IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 23 There Avere times and moods when, in Byron's language, it was judicious to reply "Pasha ! to hear is to obey,'* and this was such a period. I broke the black wax, and the epistle proved to be from the very gentleman whom I was to be despatched per mail to qualify next morning for surgical assist- ance. " Out with it !" roared my father, as I un- closed the foldings of the paper ; " What is the signature? I remember that my uncle Hector always looked at the name attached to a letter when he unclosed the post-bag; and if the hand- writing looked like an attorney's, he flung it, without reading a line, into the fire." " This letter, sir, is subscribed ' Selby Sly.' " " Don't burn it, Frank, read. Well, there is one comfort that Selby Sly shall have to-mori'ovv evening a collection of aching ribs, if the Hamiltons are not degenerated: read, man," and, as usual, there was a running comment on the text. Dublin, March, 1818. '* * Colonel Hamilton, — Sir, " ' It is my melancholy duty to inform you — ' " 24 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, " That you have foreclosed the mortgage. Frank, if you don't break a bone or two, I'll never acknowledge you again." " ' That my honoured and valued client and patroness, Mrs. Catherine O'Gorman, suddenly departed this life at half-past six o'clock p. m., yesterday evening, when drinking a glass of sherry, and holding sweet and spiritual converse with the Reverend Carter Kettlewell.' " " It 's all up, no doubt : the canting scoundrels have secured her — or, as blackguard gamblers say, have ' made all safe.' " " ' She has died intestate, although a deed, that would have immortalised her memory, was engrossed, and ready for signature. Within an hour after she went to receive her reward — ' " My father gave a loud hurrah ! " Blessed be Heaven that the rout came before the old fool completed the New Zealand business .'" " ' As heir-at-law, you are in direct remainder, and the will, not being executed, is merely waste- paper : but, from the draft, the intentions of your inestimable aunt, can clearly be discovered. Al- though not binding in law, let me say there is such a thing as Christian equity that should guide you. The New Zealand bequest, involv- ing a direct application of £10,000 to meet the IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 25 annual expenditure of gospel-soldiers — there being a constant drain upon these sacred har- bingers of peace, from the native fancy of prefer- ring a devilled missionary to a stewed kangaroo — that portion of the intended testament I would not press upon you. But the intentional behests of £500 to the Rev. Carter Kettlewell, the same sum to myself, and an annuity to Miss Grace Lightbody of £50 a-year, though not recoverable in law, under these circumstances should be faith- fully confirmed. " ' It may be gratifying to acquaint you with some particulars of the last moments of your dear relative, and one of the most devout, nay, I may use the term safely, evangelical elderly gentle- women for whom I have had tlie honour to trans- act business.' " " Stop, Frank. Pass over the detail. It might be too affecting." " ' I await your directions for the funeral. My lamented friend and client had erected a catacomb in the Siloam Chapel, and in the minister's vault, and she frequently expressed a decided wish that her dust might repose with faithful servants, who, in season and out of season, fearlessly grappled with the man of sin, who is arrayed in black, and the woman VOL. I. c 26 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, who sitteth on tlie seven hills, dressed in scar- let.' " " Hang the canting vagabond — why not call people by their proper titles ; name Old Nick at once, and the lady whose sobriquet is unmention- able, but who, report says, has a town residence in Babylon." Constance and I laughed ; my mother, as usual, looking demure and dignified. Another twinge of the gout altogether demolished the commander's temper. " Stop that scoundreVs jargon. Run your eye over the remainder, and tell me what the fellow's driving at.'' I obeyed the order. " Simply, sir, Mr. Sly desires to knoAV whether you have any objection to old Kitty taking peace- able possession of her catacomb in the Dublin gospel-shop which she patronized, or would you prefer that she were ' pickled and sent home,' as Sir Lucius says." " Heaven forbid that I should interfere with her expressed wishes," said my father. " I sup- pose there 's ' snug lying ' in Siloam ; and there 's one thing certain that the company who occupy the premises, are quite unobjectionable. Kitty will be safer there. Lord ! if the gentleman in IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 27 black, or the red lady of the seven hills, attempted a felonious entry on her bivouac, what a row the saintly inmates would kick up ! It would be a regular 'guard, turn out!' and what chance would scarlatina and old clooty have ? No, no, she'll be snug there in her sentry-box. What a blessed escape from ruin ! Mary, dear, make me another tumbler, and, d — n the gout !" he had a sharp twinge. " I '11 drink ' here 's luck ;' Frank, go pack your kit, and instead of demolish- ing Selby Sly, see Kitty decently sodded. Your mother, Constance, and myself will rumble after you to town by easy stages. I wonder how aunt Catherine will cut up. If she has left as much cash behind as she has lavished good advice in her parting epistle, by — " and my father did ejaculate a regular rasper — " I '11 re-purchase the haiTiers, as I have got a whisper that poor Dick was cleaned out the last meeting at the Curragh, and the pack is in the market." •2S ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, . CHAPTER III. " I have tremor cordis on me." winter's tale. It is a queer world after all ; manifold are its ups and downs, and life is but a medley of fair promise, excited hope, and bitter disappointment. Never did a family party start for the metro- polis with gayer hearts, or on a more agreeable mission. Our honoured relative (authoritate the Methodist Magazine) had " shuffled oflp " in the best marching order imaginable ; before the rout had arrived, her house had been perfectly ar- ranged, but her will, " wo worth the day," was afterwards found to be sadly informal. It was hinted that the mission to Timbuctoo, although not legally binding on the next of kin, should be considered a sacred injunction and first lien on the estates. In a religious light, according to the Reverend Mr. Sharpington, formalities were IKISH LIFE PICTURES. 29 unnecessary, but, my father observed, sotto voce, in reply, and in the plain vernacular of the day, what in modern times would have been more figuratively expressed, namely, " Did not the gospel trumpeters wish they might get it !" The kennel, whose door for two years had not been opened, was again unlocked ; whitew^^shing and reparations were extensively ordered ; a pru- dent envoy was despatched to repurchase the pack, which, rebus egenis, had been laid down, and the colonel, in his " mind's eye," and obli- vious of cloth shoes, once more was up to his knees in leather,* and taking everything in the shape of fence and brook, just as the Lord pleased to dispose them. A cellar census w^as next decided on, and bv a stout exertion, and at the same time with a heavy heart, my father hobbled doAvn the stone steps, and entered an underground repcrtorium, which once he took much pride in visiting. Alas ! its glory had departed ; the empty bins were richly fringed w^ith cob webbed tapestries, and silently admitted a non-occupancy by bottles for past years. The colonel si";hed. He remembered his grandfather's parting benediction. Almost * Au Irish term for wearing jockey boots. 30 EEIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, in infancy, malignant fever within one brief week had deprived him of both parents, and a chasm in direct succession was thus created. A sum- mons from school was unexpectedly received, and although the young heir and the courier borrowed liberally from the night, it was past cock-crow when they reached their destination. The old gentleman was "in articnlo;" or, as sailors would say, he was already " hove short," and ready to trip his anchor. " Up stairs, master Frank, " exclaimed the old butler to my father, " the general will be in heaven in half-an-hour, glory to the Virgin !" I shall never forget my father's description of the parting scene. Propped by half a dozen pillows, the old man gasped hard for breath, but the appearance of his grandson appeared to rouse the dormant functions of both mind and body ; and although there were considerable breaks be- tween each sentence, he thus delivered his vale- dictory advice. Often has the departure of Commodore Trunnion been recalled to memory by the demise of my honoured relative. " Frank," said the old fox-hunter to my father, " the summons is come, as we used to say when I was a dragoon, to ' boot and saddle.' I told the doctor a month ago that my wind was IRISH LIFE nCTURES. 31 touched, but ho would have it that I was only a whistler." He paused for breath. " The best horse that ever bore pig-skin on his back, won't stand too many calls — Ugh ! ugh ! ugh !" Another pause. " I bless God that my conscience is tolerably clean. "Widow or orphan, I never wronged in- tentionally, and the heaviest item booked against me overhead, is Dick Sonuner's death. Well, he threw a decanter, as was proved upon the trial to the satisfaction of judge and jury ; and you know after that, nothing but the daisy* would do. [ leave you four honest weight carriers, and as sweet a pack as ever ran into a red rascal without a check. Don't be extravagant in my wake." Another inteiTuption in the parting address. " A fat heifer, half a dozen sheep, and the puncheon of Rasserea that's in the cellar un- touched, should do the thing genteely. It's only a couple of nights you know, as you'll sod me the third morning. Considering that I stood two contests for the county, an action for false imprisonment by a guager, never had a lock on * An Irisli gentleman shot iu a duel in lancj si/tv, was poeti- cally described as having been left '• quivering ou a daisy." 32 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, the hall door, kept ten horses at rack and manger, and lived like a gentleman ; to the £5,000 for which my poor father dipped the estate, I have only after all added £10,000 more, which, as Attorney Rowland said, shewed that I was a capital manager. Well, you can pay both off easily." Another fit of coughing distressed my grand- father sorely. " Go to the waters — any place in England will answer. If you will stand tallow or tobacco, you can in a month or two wipe old scores off the slate. Sir Roderick O'Boyl, when he was so hard pushed as to be driven over the bridge of Athlone in a coffin, to avoid the coroner,* didn't he, and in less than a twelvemonth too, bring over a sugar-baker's daughter, pay off encum- brances, and live and die like a gentleman as he was every inch. I have not much to leave you but some advice, Frank dear, and after I slip my girths, remember what I say. When you're likely to get into trouble, always take the bull by the horn, and when you're in for a stoup, never mix liquors or sit with your back to the tire. If you're obliged to go out, be sure to fight across * In Ireland this functionary's operations are not confined to the dead, but extend very disagreeably to the living. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. S3 the ridges, and if you can manage it, with the sun at your back. Ugh ! ugh ! ugh !" " In crossing a country, choose the — " Another coughing fit, and a long hiatus in valedictory instructions succeeded, but the old man, as they say in hunting, got second wind, and thus proceeded — " Never fence a ditch when a gate is open — • avoid late hours and attorneys — and the less you have to say to doctors, all the better— Ugli ! Ugh ! Ugh ! When it's your misfortune to be in company with an old maid, — I mean a re- puted one — Ugh ! Ugh ! always be on the muzzle — for in her next issue of scandal, she'll be sure to quote you as her authority. If a saint comes in your way, button your breeches' pocket, and look now and then at your watch-chain. I'm brought nearly to a fix, for bad bellows won't stand long speeches." Here the ripple in his speech, which dis- turbed Connuodore Trunnion so much, sorely afflicted my worthy grandfather. He muttered something that a snaffle was the safest bit a sinner could place faith in — assumed the mantle of })rophecy — foretold, as it would ap[)ear, troul)lous times to be in rapid advent — and in- c 3 34 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, culcated that faitli should be placed in heaven, and powder kept very dry. He strove to rally and reiterate his counsels for my father's guidance, but strength was wanting. The story of a life was told — he swayed on one side from the supporting pillows — and in a minute more the struggle was over. Well, peace to his ashes ! We'll leave him in the family vault, and start with a party for the metropolis, who, in the demise of our honoured kinswoman, had sustained a heavy loss, but, notwithstanding, endured the visitation with Christian fortitude and marvellous resigna- tion. Place aux dames. My lady mother had been a beauty in her day, and, for a dozen years after her marriage, had seen her name proudly and periodically recorded by George Paukiner, in the thing he called a journal, which, in size, paper, and typography, might emulate a necrologic affair cried loudly through the streets of London, **i'th' afternoon" of a hanging Monday, con- taining much important information, whether the defunct felon had made his last breakfast simply from tea and toast, or whether Mr. Sheriff had kindly added mutton-chops to the dejeuner, while his amiable lady furnished new-laid eggs IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 35 from the family corn-chandler. Bat to return to my mother. Ten years had passed, and her name had not been hallooed from groom to groom on a birth- day night, while the pearl necklace, a bridal present, and emeralds, an heir-loom from her mother, remained in strict abeyance. Now and again their cases were unclosed, and a sigh ac- companied the inspection — for sad were their reminiscences. Olim — her name was chronicled on Patrick's night, by every Castle reporter. They made, it is to be lamented, as Irish re- porters will make, sad mistakes at times. The once poor injured lady had been attired in canary-coloured lute-string, and an ostrich plume, remarkable for its enormity, while she, the libelled one, had been becomingly arrayed in blue bombazine, and of any plumage reported from Araby the blest, was altogether innocent. A general family movement was decided on. My aunt's demise required my father's presence in the metropolis. My mother's wardrobe de- manded an extensive addition, — for, sooth to say, her costume had become, as far as fashion went, rather antediluvian. Constance announced that a back-tooth called for professional interference. May heaven forgive her if she libbcd ! — for a 36 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, dental display of purer ivory never slyly solicited a lover's kiss, than what her joyous laugh ex- hibited. My poor mother entered a protest against the " spes ultima gregis," meaning my- self, being left at home in times so perilous, and when all who could effect it, were hurrying into garrisoned towns, and abandoning, for crowcied lodgings, homes, whose superior comforts were abated by their insecurity. The order for a general movement was consequently issued — and, on the 22nd of June, we commenced our journey to the capital. With all the precision of a commissary-general, my father had regulated the itinerary. Here, w'e were to breakfast, there, dine, and this hostelrie was to be honoured with our sojourn during the night-season. Man wills, fate decrees, and, in our case, the old saw was realized. It will be necessary to remark that a con- spiracy that had been hatching for several years, from unforeseen circumstances had now been prematurely exploded. My father, with more hardiesse than discretion, declined following the general example of abandoning his home for the comparative safety afforded by town and city. Coming events threw their shadow before, and too unequivocally to be mistaken, but still he IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 37 sported deaf adder. In confidential communi- cation witli Dublin Castle, all known there touching the intended movements of the dis- affected was not concealed from him. He was, unfortunately, the reverse of an alarmist, proud of his popularity — read his letters — drew his in- ferences — and came to prompt conclusions. Through his lawyer, a house ready furnished in Leeson street was secured. His plate and port- able valuables were forwarded to Dublin, and reached their destination safely. Had our hearts been where the treasure was, we should, as in prudence bound, have personally accompanied the silver spoons — but the owner, like many an abler commander, played the waiting game too long. A day sooner would have saved some trouble — but my father had carried habits of ab- solute action into all the occurrences of daily life. Indecision is, in character, a sad failure, but his weak point ran directly in an opposite direction. He thonght, weighed matters hastily, decided in five minutes, and that decision once made, conte qui coute, nmst be carried out to the very letter. He felt all tlie annoyance of leaving the old roof- tree and its household gods — conflicting state- ments from the executive — false information from local traitors — an assurance from the priest that 88 ERIN-GO-BRAGir ; OR, no immediate danger might be expected — these, united to a yearning after home, rendered his operations rather Fabian. The storm burst, how- ever, while he still hesitated, or rather, the burning of the mail-coaches, and the insurrection, were things simultaneous — and my father after- wards discovered that he, like many a wiser man, had waited a day too long. Whether the colonel raischt have dallied still longer is mere conjecture, when a letter marked " haste " was delivered by an orderly dragoon, and in half-an-hour the " leathern conveniency" was rumbling down the avenue. The journey of the Wronghead family to London — if I recollect the pleasant comedy that details it correctly — was effected without the occurrence of any casualty beyond some dys- peptic consequences to the cook from over- eating. Would that our migration to the me- tropolis had been as fortunately accomplished ! We started early ; and on reaching the town where we were to breakfast and exchange our own for post-horses, found the place in feverish excitement. A hundred anxious inquirers were collected in the market-place. Three hours beyond the usual time of the mail-delivery had elapsed — wild rumours were spread abroad — a IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 39 general rising in Leinster was announced — and the non-arrival of the post had an ominous appearance, and increased the alarm. We hurried over the morning meal, — tlie horses were being put to — the ladies already in the carriage — when a dragoon rode in at speed, and the worst apprehensions we had entertained were more than realised by this fresh arrival. The mail-coach had been plundered and burned, while everywhere, north, east, and west, as it was stated, the rebels were in open insurrection, — all communication with Dublin was cut off, — and any attempt to reach the metropolis would have been only an act of madness. Another express from the south came in. Matters there were even worse. The rebels had risen en masse and connnitted fearful devasta- tion. The extent of danger in attempting to reach the capital, or return to his mansion, were thus painfully balanced ; and my father con- sidering that, as sailors say, the choice rested betsveen the devil and the deep sea, decided on remaining where he was, as the best policy under all circumstances. The incompetency of the Irish engineering staff, and a defective commissariat, at that time was most deplorable; and although the town 40 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, of was notoriously disaffected, the barrack chosen, teraj)orarily, to accommodate the gar- rison — a company of militia — was a thatched building, two stories high, and perfectly com- manded by houses in front and rear. The cap- tain in charge of the detachment knew nothing of his trade, and had been hoisted to a com- mission in return for the use of a few free- holders. The Irish read character quickly. They saw at a glance the marked imbecility of the devoted man ; and by an imposition, from which any but an idiot would have recoiled, trapped the silly victim and, worse still, sacrificed those who had been unhappily entrusted to his direction. That the express had ridden hard was evident from the distressed condition of his horse ; and the intelligence he brought deranged my father's plans entirely. Any attempt either to proceed or to return, as it appeared, would be hazardous alike ; and nothing remained but to halt where he was, until more certain information touching the rebel operations should enable him to decide which would be the safest course of action to pursue. He did not communicate the extent of his apprehensions to the family — affected an air of indifference he did not feel — introduced him- self to the commanding officer on parade — and IRISH LIFE riCTURES. 41 returned to the inii in full assurance that, in conferring a commission on a man so utterly ignorant of the trade he had been thrust into as Captain appeared to be, "the King's press had been abused most damnably." The colonel had a singular quality — that of personal remembrance ; and even at the distance of years he would recall a man to memory, even had the former acquaintance been but casual. Passing through the inn-yard, his quick eye detected in the ostler a quondam stable-boy. To avoid the consequences attendant on a fair-riot which had ended, " ut mos est," in homicide, the ex-groom had fled the country, and as it was reported and believed, sought an asylum in the " land of the free" beyond the At- lantic, which, privileged like the Cave of Abdullum, conveniently flings her Stripes and Stars over all that are in debt and all that are in danger. Little did the fugitive groom desire now to recall "lang syne," and renew a former acquaintance. But my father was otherwise determined ; and stepi)ing care- lessly up, he tapped his old domestic on the shoulder, and at once addressed him by name. The ostler turned deadly pale, but in a mo- ment the colonel dispelled his alarm. 42 EUIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, " You have nothing to apprehend from me, Pat. He who struck the blow, which was gene- rally laid to your charge, confessed when dying that he was the guilty man, and that you were in- nocent of all blame beyond mixing in the affray." Down popped the suspected culprit on his knees, and in a low but earnest voice he re- turned thanks to heaven. " I understood you had gone to America, or I would have endeavoured in some way to have apprised you, that a murderer by report, you were but a rioter in reality." " I did go there, colonel, but I could not rest. I knew that I w^as innocent ; but who would believe my oath ? I might have done well enough there ; but I don't know why, the ould country was always at my heart, and I used to cry when I thought of the mornings that I whipped in the hounds, and the nights that I danced merrily in the servants' hall, when piper or fiddler came — and none left the house with- out meat, drink, and money, and a blessing on the hand that gave it." " What brought you here, so close to your former home, and so likely to be recognised?" " To see if I couldn't clear myself, and get ye'r honour to take me back. Mark that dark IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 43 mnn ! lie's owner of this horse. Go to the bottom of the garden, and I'll be Avith you when he returns to the house again." My father walked carelessly away, unclosed the garden gate, and left the dark stranger with bis former whipper-in. Throwing himself on a bench in a rude summer-house, he began to think over the threatening aspect of affairs, and devise, if he could, some plan to deliver his family from the danger, which on every side it became too evident was alarmingly impending. He was speedily rejoined by his old domestic. " j\Iarked ve that dark man well?" " Yes ; and a devilish suspicious-looking gen- tleman he is." " His looks do not belie him. No matter whatever may occur through it, you must quit the town directly. Call for post-horses, and as mine is the first turn, I'll be postillion. Don't shew fear or suspicion — and leave the rest to me. Beware of the landlord — he's a colonel of the rebels, and a bloodier-minded villain is not unhanged. Hasten in — every moment is worth gold — and when the call comes, the horses will be to the carriage in the cracking of a Avhip. Don't notice me, good or bad." He spoke, hopped over the garden-hedge to 44 EKIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, reach the back of the stables uiiperceived, while I proceeded along the walk, and when approach- ing the gate, it was opened by the host in person. He started; but, with assumed indifference, observed, "What sad news the dragoon has brought !" " I don't believe the half of it. These things are always exaggerated. Landlord, I'll push on a stage or two, and the worst that can happen is to return, should the route prove dangerous, I know that here I have a safe shelter to fall back upon." " Safe 1" exclaimed the innkeeper. " All the rabble in the country would not venture within miles of wliere ye are ; and, notwithstanding bad reports, there's not a loyaler barony in the county. Faith ! colonel, although it may look very like seeking custom, I would advise you to keep your present quarters. You know the old saying, ' Men may go farther and fare worse.' I had a lamb killed when I heard of the rising, and specially for your honour's dinner. Just look into the barn as ye pass. Upon my conscience ! it's a curiosity." He turned back with me ; but before we reached the place, the dark stranger 1 had seen before beckoned from a back window. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 45 *' Ila ! an old and worthy customer wants me. Placing his crooked finger in his mouth, he gave a loud and piercing whistle. The quondam whipper appeared at a stable-door with a horse- brush in his hand. " Pat, sliew his honour that born beauty I killed for him this mornina;." " Coming, Mr. Scully — I beg ye'r honour's pardon — but ye know that business must be minded," he said, and hurried off. No man assumes the semblance of indiflFerence, and masks his feelings more readily than an Irishman, and Pat Loftus was no exception to his countrymen. When summoned by the host's whistle, he came to the door lilting a planxty merrily, — but when he re-entered the stable, the melody ceased, and his countenance became serious. " I hid behind the straw, yonder, colonel, and overheard every syllable that passed, and under the canopy bigger villains are not than the two who are together now. There's no time for talking — all's ready," and he pointed to the liar- iiessed post horses, " Go in, keoj) an oj)en eye, and close mouth, order round the carriage — all 46 ERIN-GO-BllAGH ; OR, is packed — and when we're clear of the town I'll tell you more." When my father's determination was made known, feelingly did the host indicate the danger of the attempt, and to his friendly remonstrances against wayfaring, Mr. Scully raised a warning voice. But my father was decisive — Pat Loftus trotted to the door — some light luggage was placed in the carriage, and three brace of pistols deposited in its pockets. A meaning look was interchanged between the innkeeper and his fellow-guest. " Colonel," said the former, " I hope you will not need the tools. If you do, the fault will be all your own." " If required," returned my father, " I'll use them to the best advantage." The villains interchanged a smile. " Pat," said the host to the postillion, " you know the safest road — do what I bid ye — and keep his honour out of trouble if ye can." " Go on," shouted my father — the whip cracked smartly, and off rolled the carriage. Por half a mile we proceeded at a smart pace, until at the junction of three roads, Loftus took the one which the finger-post indicated was not the Dublin one. My father called out to stop, IRISH LIFE nCTURES. 47 but the postillion hurried on, until liigli hedges, and a row of ash-trees at both sides, shut in the view. He pulled up suddenly. " Am I not an undutiful servant to disobey the orders of so good a master as Mr. Dogherty ? First, I have not taken the road he recommended — and, secondly, instead of driving this flint into a horse's frog, I have carried it in my pocket," and he jerked the stone away. " Look to your pistols, colonel. In good old times your arms, I suspect, would have been found in better order." The weapons were examined, and every pan had been saturated with water. " Never mind, I'll clean them well at night : it's not the first time. But, see the dust yonder ! I dare not turn back, and I am half afraid to go on. Ha — glory to the Virgin ! dragoons, ay, and, as I see now, they are escorting Lord Arlington's coach. Have we not the luck of thousands ?" He cracked his whip, and at the junction of a cross-road fell in with and joined the travellers. My father was well known to his lordship, who expressed much pleasure that the journey to the capital should be made in company. Protected by relays of cavalry, we reached the city in safety, not, however, without one or two 48 ERIN-GO-BUAGH ; OR, hair-breadth escapes from molestation. Every- thing around told that the insurrection had broken out : church-bells rang, dropping shots now and then were heard, and houses, not verj- distant, were WTapped in flames. Safely, how- ever, we passed through manifold alarms, and at dusk entered the fortified barrier erected on one of the canal bridges, which was jealously guarded by a company of Highlanders and two six- pounders. Brief shall be a summary of what followed. While the tempest of rebellion raged, we remained safely in the capital. Constance and I were over head and ears in love ; but another passion struggled with me for mastery. Youth is always pugnacious ; like Nerval, " I had heard of battles, and had longed To follow to the field some warlike" colonel of militia, and importuned my father to obtain a commission, and, like Laertes, " wrung a slow consent." The application was made ; and, soon after breakfast, the butler announced that my presence was wanted in the drawing- room. I repaired thither, and there found my father, his fair dame, and my cousin Constance. "Well, Fi-ank, I have kept my promise, and, in a day or two, I shall have a captain's com- IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 49 mission for you. Before, however, I place myself under an obligation to Lord Carhamjjton, let me propose an alternative for your selection." I shook my head. " And what may that be, sir?" "A wife." "A wife !" I exclai ned. " Yes, that is the plain offer. You shall have, however, a free liberty of election : read that letter." I threw my eye over it hastily. It was from the Lord Lieutenant's secretary, to say that his excellency felt pleasure in placing a company in the — militia, at Colonel Hamilton's disposal. " There is the road to fame open as a turnpike trust. Come hither, Constance, and here is the alternative." She looked at me archlv, I cauj^ht her to my heart, and kissed lier red lips. "Father!" " Well, Frank." " You may write a polite letter to the Castle, and decline the commission." Half a century lias passed, but ninety-eight is still, by oral communications, well known to the VOI,. I. i) 50 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, Irish peasant ; and would that its horrors carried with them salutary reminiscences ! But to my own story. Instead of fattenmg beeves, planting trees, clapping vagabonds " i' th' stocks," and doing all and everything that appertaineth to a country gentleman, and also, the queen's poor esquire, I might have, until the downfall of Napoleon, and the reduction of the militia, events contem- poraneous, smelt powder in the Phoenix Park on field days, and hke Hudibras, of pleasant me- mory, at the head of a charge of foot, " rode forth a coloneling." In place, however, of meddling with cold iron, I yielded to " metal more attractive," and in three months became a Benedict, and in some dozen more a papa. In the meantime, rebellion was bloodily put down, and on my lady's recovery, my father, whose yearning for a return to the old roof-tree was irresistible, prepared for our departure from the metropolis. Curiously enough, we passed through Pros- perous, exactly on the anniversary of the day when we had so providentially effected an evasion from certain destruction. AVere aught required to elicit gratitude for a fortunate escape, two objects, and both visible from the inn windows. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 51 would have been sufficient. One was a mass of l)lackeneJ ruins — the scathed walls of the barrack, in which the wretched garrison had been so barbarously done to death : the other a human head impaled npon a spike on the gable (if the Ijuilding, That blanched skull had rested on the shoulders of our traitor host, and we, doomed to " midnight nnirder," were mercifully destined to witness a repulsive, but just evidence, that Providence interposes often between the villain and the victim. I am certain that in my physical construction, were an analysis practicable, small would be the (unount of heroic proportions which the most astute operator would detect. I may confess the truth, and say, that in "lang sync," any transient ebullition of military ardour vanished at a glance fnjni Constance's black eye. The stream of time swept on, and those that were, united their dust with those that had been. In a short time my letter of readiness may be expected; and I shall, in nature's course, after the last march, as Byron says, ere long "Take my rest," And will the succession end with nic ? 'IVll 1) Z 52 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, it not to Malthus, nor whisper it to Harriet Martineau. There is no prospect of advertising for the next of kin, i. e. if five strapping boys and a couple of the fair sex may be considered a sufficient security. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 53 AN INCURSION INTO CONNRMARA, WITH AN ACCOUNT OF A TRAVELLER WHO SURVIVED IT. " Non sine pulvere palmam" is one of the thousand-and-one wise saws conveyed in few words, with much meaning, and in every language, living and dead, from the remotest era, even the confusion of tongues at Babel. I am inclined to believe that, although unconscious of the accident, I was bitten in early life by a rabid traveller ; and that, if tourists are honoured by a distinguishing outline on the occiput, mine, upon investigation, would be found deeply-marked, and of unusual dimensions. I was a rambler from boyhood,- -for I ran away from school as punc- tually as the quarter's note was transmitted through the post-office ; and for the celerity and success with which this evasion was effected 1 was horsewhipped at home, returned with a suit- 54 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, able escoi't, and received, as might be expected, a well-merited reward. Dr. Shields — peace to his ashes ! — was what sailors would term, built on the lines of a porter-butt. He was lame, and he was also left-handed ; but, never was that vil- lanous shrub called privet — many a time I cursed the hedge' it grew on — applied a posteriori by a more accomplished practitioner. Well do we re- member that for a week after the operation our heart palpitated at the creak of his shoes, and we preferred every posture to a sitting one. As I ripened into manhood my early truancy became confirmed ; it grew with my growth ; it seemed as if the demon of locomotion marked me for his own, and entered into me accordingly. In rapid succession I was dusted on the desert, and half- frozen in Siberia, musquito-bitten on the Amazon, and flea ditto in the Scottish Highlands. Anthropophagi are my aversion ; and I neither would commit my person to be carbonadoed by a Friendly Islander, nor baked after the most ap- proved receipt to be found in a New Zealand cookery-book. But I have dared and done much ; and, laus Deo ! I survive to tell it. I am no braggart. I spent a fortnight at Boulogne, and made the grand tour of Connemara. Prom recent information which has reached IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 00 me, tlic desperate courage, and yearning after unknown lands, that instigated and successfully achieved this perilous adventure — 1 mean the exploration of the realms beyond the Shannon, — may now be undervalued, as, with the demise of the potentate who ruled it then,* I am told that the glory of that land of Goshen has departed. I make the statement on what appears to be res- pectable authority, but I do not hold myself ac- countable for its truth. It is said that the process called " tarring and feathering"! has fallen into desuetude, and " few and far between ;" that attorneys have been seen wayfaring in apparent security, and unprotected by a troop of horse. Process servers do not specially agree for pecuniary compensation, should their digestive faculties be disorganized by swallowing, " upon compunction," the unpretending strip of parch- • Richard Martin, Esq., an eccentric but kind-hearted gen- tleman. t This was an operation to which process-servers and tithe- proetors were subjected when apprehended. It is easily per- formed. All the patient's raiment being removed, he is care- fully coated over with warm tar, and rolled immediately in tiie contents of a bed-tick. The change cfl'ectcd on personal ap- pearance is so remarkable, that, in ignorance of his identity, a bailiir has been repudiated by his own dog, and renounced by tin; wife of his bosom. 56 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, ment, whereon her Most Gracious Majesty conveys her compliments, and requests the plea- sure of a private gentleman's company in one of the courts of law. Nor do personages, not in search of the picturesque, but in quest of private distilleries, as an equipose to the writ of assistance* in one pocket, carry their last will and testament in the other. Such is the present state of that once-happy land, that had its Abdullumf ever open for all that were in debt * An authority to demand the protection of a military party. f This word, casually introduced, recalls to memory a friend no longer in the flesh, who, while in the same, was sorely tor- mented by the low harpies of the law ; and oftentimes has the author listened to him while detailing with good emphasis and discretion — for poor Harry was both a mimic and actor — the fol- lowing pleasant adventure, and one of his most fortunate escapes. "I was," said the raconteur, "on my keeping" — i. e. keeping out of the way — " and never ventured a stone's throw from the hall-door, as I had the gout in both feet ; and, worse still, had fallen into deep .arrears with the hush money I paid to Jack B } Well, one fine morning, the Devil and the weather tempted me between them to hobble down to the gate, and happening to look round by mere accident, whom did I see hiding himself behind a thick holly-bush, but Cormack Mau- raghan, the most determined villain that ever tapped a sinner's shoulder. There is nobody but has his enemies, and people 1 This is a stipulated sum paid to the sheriff for permitting a creditor to remain in his bailiwick unmolested ; for which indul- gence as much as £500 a-year has been given to this func- tionary. IRISH LIFE PICTURES, 57 and in danger, and wliose lowliest cabin offered a safe resting-place to the debtor, even as a tower was wicked enough to whisper, between gout, aud the drop 1 had to take to keep it from my stomach, — it killed my aunt Nancy ; and, God knows ! she did not neglect the specific, — that I would use crutch, blunderbuss, or any lethal weapon next at hand, without fear, favour, or affection, whether Mr. B. acted in person or by dej)uty. Men, consequently, who had never blenched from executing 'writ or exigent' before, thanked the sheriff for the preference, and declined the dangerous honour ; but Mauraghan, siiadente d'abolo, and emboldened by a one- pound note in expectancy, and a pint of poteeine, duly and truly administered, desperately essayed the perilous adventure — aud how he sped another page will tell'. " I twigged the villain at a glance," said my lamented friend, " toddled off at the best pace 1 could manage round the corner, aud earthed myself in the gate-house. Not a soul, big or little, was there : for they had lefi ihe door upon the latch, and cut off, bad luck to tliem ! to the market. Wherever the bar was, I couldn't find it in the hurry ; and Mauraghan whisked round the house, muttering his doubts as to whether I had taken shelter iu the lodge, or treed myself among the bushes. "Teaks I I"ll first try the house,' says the villain. " * Will ye?' says I, as I hopped into the bed-room." To explain the denouement of this interesting story, the English reader must bear in mind, imprimis, that an liisli latch is generally uplifted by inserting a finger through a couveuicncy left for tin; purjjosc in the d.mr ; and, that my dcjiarted friend, though in all things beside, liberally aceom|)lislied — as all great men have their distinguisiiiug traits to mark them from the multitude— prided himself, more especiall^v, on two natural gifts, — ahead of such endurance that it could carry, and with ca-^e^ thirteen tumblers of diluted alcohol ; and a jaw, that iu grahp and power would emulate a smith's vice. Indeed, his mouth 1) 3 58 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, of strength ; for rickety tlioiigli tlie humblei edifice might be, " the iron knuckles of the law," as Penruddock says in the play, " dare not knock was a curiosity, — it seemed as if the interior fittings had been furnished by a wild boar ; and, in tenacity, when he fastened, a bull dog could not hold a candle to him. Well, these personal matters being explained, it is enough to say that Master Harry retreated to the inner chamber, as Mr. Mauraghan entered the outer one. " ' He's among the bushes,' said the commencer of the law ; * nobody here but the cat in the comer. I may jist as well, howsomever, peep into the room,' and he tried the door, but the push was resisted. "'No lock upon it ather, and it fast shut!' muttered the shoulder-tapper. * Be gogstay ! that's quare. Hollo ! Is there anybody inside there ?' " ' No one but myself,' squeaked an infantine voice. ' Mammy's gone to market, and shut me in till she comes back again. Put e fiugee in e hole, and the latch will lift.' " Unsuspiciously, the mau-hunter thrust the best of his bunch of fives through the aperture indicated. "Was it mortal ivory, or a twist of a constrictor's tail, that secured the incautious lodge- ment ? A roar of murder obtained no pity — threat and maledic- tion failed : at last, terms of mutual release were ratified — Mr. Mauraghan proceeded to the county hospital, to ascertain whether the total removal of his digital member, so extensively commenced, had not better be completed, for the re-union of tlie damaged member was considered scarcely practicable ; while Harry retunied to that freeman's castle — the house, that he had J incautiously quitted — with a solemn resolution that the best weather predicted in Murphy's Almanac for a twelvemonth, should not again, as matters stood, tempt liira, save on the sabbath, to wander from his domicile. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 59 at tlie door,* and mar his tranquillity." Many a year has slipped away, and many a clime, from " Egypt's fires to Zenibla's frost," have been exchanged by turns for each other, since I paid my last visit to the kingdom of Connemara. Was it " suspicion of debt" that prompted the migration ? No, I was an infant of twenty — the said infant being five feet eleven. Was it love? That treads more closely on the kibe, as Hamlet says ; but, as we have recently committed matrimony, our earlier liaisons have faded, as they should fade, from memory. We will, therefore, pass over both our in-going and its object, and restrict ourselves to the fortunes that befel us in coming out. But whv not make a clean breast in the one case as the other ? I danced three sets with Julia French at the Balhnasloe fair ball, and ac- cording to grammatical progression, in number one I was a little bothered, and in number three superlatively and outrageously in love. At a Con- naught/cVp dansante, of negus there may be a suf- ficiency, but of cold whiskey-punch the suj)|)ly, though frequently and severely tested, will he * "The Wheel of Fortune" GO ERIN-GO-BRACxH ; OR, found inexhaustible. Tn love incipient diluted alcohol generally proves specific, and the disease is much abated, if not entirely subdued, on the patient awaking in the morning. In love com- parative (vide the advertisement to "Parr's Pills") the doses must be increased and con- tinued. In the superlative stage, like canine madness, there is no remedy, and the only alter- natives lie between the ring and a halter. In our first and only fit — and it was severe while it lasted — we followed the alcoholic plan. It suc- ceeded — " verbum sat." There was a time when our Connemara trip would not have been pleasantly brought to me- mory ; but, at sixty men think and talk of love merely as an agreeable hallucination — a phan- tasy belonging to an age that follows that of top-and-bottom-whipping — one half to be for- gotten, and, as Scrub says, the other to be *' laughed at most consumedly." " I do re- member," — in what Ijetter terms could a man usher in a melancholy reminiscence than in the words of a starved apothecary ? — my first and only visit to Connemara. Nobody ever, went there upon a prudent errand, I verily believe. •' Love -will be the lord of all ;" and I book my Connemara escapade against the IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 61 little vagiil)oiKl. Enough — like a few insertions in my tailor's books, — then and there it must remain, until the recording angel can spare a tear or two, and obliterate it altogether. But, revenons a nos moutons. My first set with Julia made me what they call in Connaught a little soft ; in the second, I was what Yankees term " spifflicated ;" an!, about the middle of the third, so regularly caught, that I plainly intimated — no hemming, hawing, or beating about the busli, — that I should seek a refuge from my misery either in her arms, sweet girl ! or the waters of the Shan- non. I was under orders for the Peninsula; nuist trundle off by the early coach ; woidd return " With war's red honours on my crest;" purchase domestic conveniences — cradle, of course, inclusive; turn my " king's-order spit" into a garden-dibble ; and dclectate for after-life beneath the shade of my own fir — as, let it be confessed at once, there are no fig-trees in Con- nemara. Did a dignilied rejection annihilate my hopes ? Oh ! no — " She blusliod, but chid not." The parting-hour came; and whili' her aunt 62 ERIN-GO-BRAGII ; OR, was groping for her clogs at one side of the anti- chamber door — thank God ! — as the bonnet- pegs had been driven into the reverse of the wood-work, I was enabled to press her red lips, swear eternal fidelity, assure her that she might question even what that blessed man, Father Malachi, propounded from the altar on the next holiday — " Think truth might prove a liar. But never doubt my love." What she responded in return it is not for me to repeat. She gave her feelings no stinted utterance, and I took it in, although on reflec- tion afterwards, " methought the lady did pro- test too much." What occurred for the next three years, were but customary events attendant on campaigning — and some very coarse usage that I received at the assault of Badajoz, gave me a good plea for six months' leave to patch up again. I had a short and pleasant passage home — embraced my honoured mother — underwent a chaste salute from my aunt Deborah — an operation I dreaded awfully, for Debby took that triturated prepara- tion of the weed, called " blackguard," by the ounce — was feted by the neighbours for a fort- night, in honour of my safe rcturji to the sod, IRISH LIFE nrTURFS. 68 and gallant bearing in the field — and dnring that time none of the party — namely, the feast givers, or myself, the recipient, were what, on corporal oath, could have been declared in abso- lute sobriety. And had I forgotten the object of my first love — the gentle Julia? Not I — even in the eternal scene of hilarity, that I have described, her image woukl return. Did the toastmaster name "lovely woman," Julia, with magical cele- rity, was before me — and if a stableman whis- tled " I'm o'er young to marry yet," back came the ball of Ballinasloe — and, in fancy, I went twice down the middle, set corners, and turned my partner. But the tenderest recollection by far, was when Aunt Macmanus was groping for her clogs, and we, in the innoecncy of our hearts, settlin^c the bonnet on. Poor old lady, she lost all patience at last, for, to own the truth, we were an awful time fundjling with the ribbon. When u man is bent on mischief, an excuse can easily be fabricated or found. I was dying to see Julia, and I fortunately recollected that I had a cousin, resident in ('onneinara, a i'(!lative whom the family had lu'ver seen for twenty years, — and, by every account, a more worthless 64 ERTN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, and mercenary hound never screwed the last six- pence from a fodeeine.^ He hated his own re- lations, and received a cordial return. On one occasion only, had he evinced any indication of affection towards his kindred, by transmitting a letter to me, when ordered to join the service- battalion in Spain, wishing me toute sorte de prosperite, accompanied by a ten-pound note. " Well, you may go and see the devil," said my father, when I hinted my intention. " There is no extracting blood from a turnip, and he >Yould rather have parted with his best grinder, than the ten pounds he sent you. If we could keep his money in the family it would be desir- able. I hear he gets more cankered as he grows older — and he'll be sure, or I'm much mistaken, to make ' ducks and drakes ' of all that he has been hoarding these forty years." The prediction was prophetic indeed — and " ducks and drakes " he made both of his money and himself. In a state bordering between dot- age and drunkenness, he proposed to a young lady of sixteen, a ganger's daughter — and she was graciously pleased to encourage hopes, wliich I had the satisfaction to see realized. But our own narrative of all that befel us, will tell the tale * A small freehold property. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. G5 of our kinsman's opening course of love, and we will, also, and in timely season, duly chronicle its close. Profiting by my father's permission, 1 speedily was ready for my incursion into Conne- mara. He, " good, easy man," opining that deep designs were lurking in this friendly visit, against my kinsman's real and personal effects — but, all the while, could the secret motive have been traced, I wished to practically ascertain whether a returning kiss was half as pleasant as a parting one — a point on which I had been at issue with a gentleman of ours, who was held to be on such matters excellent authority, he doing for many years a very respectable business in the love line. I penetrated into Connemara. No onslaught was made upon our person — no attempt to lighten us of any portion of our metalics. The hostelrie I stopped at was situated at the intersection of four roads, and overlooked a small bay — once, that little inlet had afforded a safe and sheltered harbour to the contrabandists who then frequented this wild and lawless district. I have confessed already, that a double object influenced my Connemara expedition — and, on making local iiK|uirics toucluTig the abiding places of my loving kinsman, mid the huly of my love, 1 found that they were neaily (-(puthstant. 66 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, and some six miles from the hostelrie ; a " left incline," in military parlance, leading to the do- micile of my skin-flint cousin, and the right-hand road conducting me, should I select it, to the abode of beauty, where that impersonation of graceful innocence, whose flying footsteps I had erst while led through the mazes of " The wind that shakes the barley," still wasted her " Sweetness on the desert air," and more was the pity. Plutus punched my ribs, and whispered " right shoulders forward !" Cupid tickled me in the region of the pericardium, and told me that I should find Julia prettier and kinder than ever. What the deuce was I to do ? Why, order dinner first, and settle precedency afterwards, over a reflective tumbler of that illegal but agreeable fluid, which never contributed a farthing to the crown, or inflicted a headache on the consumer. I knocked upon the table — bells are not fashionable in Connemara — ordered (Hn- ner — and promptly the order was obeyed. There are people abiding in the great metro- polis, who imagine they have eaten a correct potatoe, — tell you that the flavour of a herring is familiar, and, under this double delusion go even iRTsii Lirr PICTURES. G7 to the grave. Let these unhappy citizens dream on. Ah ! coukl they but have looked from luy window, as the former were trundled from the ridge, and the latter laid beside the runlet of spring-water that went babbling past the door, to loose tlieir silver scales, and, within an hour or two, pass from the net to the frying-pan. But ignorance is bliss, and why disturb the fallacies of a cockney, who firmly imagines that the flavour of the esculent and the fish, to him are not un- known ? When Marisclial Saxe favoured his half-staned visitors with a fricandeau, which, as all agreed, conferred, or should confer, immortal honour on the artiste who fabricated the same, would it not have been inhuman to whisper in the consumer's ear, that no fatted calf liad bled to furnish forth the delicacy, — and the cook had notliing to depend upon Itiit providence, his own skill, and the tenderest cutlets that were avail- able from the leg of a departed troop-horse ? But this looks very like a digression. I said that tiie scuddawns* w(M'e undergoing purification in the rivulet before the house, when suddenly the retl- shank discontinued her labour, and with half-a- dozen idlers, wlio had been looking on, sprang; into the centre of tiie road. All hjoked earnestly ♦ Jtifflicc — herrings. 68 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, in the same direction for a minute, and then bel- lowed, in English and Irish, " Holy Bridget i Here they come !" The loud alarum brought all from the hostelrie to the street,* and I flung up the window. The distant rush of cavalry was heard — on came the whirlwind, nearer and nearer still, until fifty horses, most of them with a cavalier in the saddle, and a lady en croup behind him, approached at headlong speed. Judge what was my horror and surprise, when the landlord exclaimed — " Blessed Anthony ! it 's ould Hamerton's draggin-home ! I thought he would have gone the short road. But it 's civil in him to give neighbours turn and turn alike — and, for once in his life, drop a trifle in the way of trade, and try our poteeine at the Cat and Bagpipes." He who has not witnessed the hymeneal cere- mony, called a dragging-home, will tax his ima- gination in vain. He may fancy a charge of drunken Calmucks, or Turkish cavalry careering while directly influenced by opium. PshaAV ' neither of these will even distantly approach this Milesian feat of horsemanship. In the bridal cavalcade there was not a rider that had not a * The space iu front of any detached cabin in Connanght is called " the street." IIIISII LIFE PICTURES. 09 pint of potceine, honest measure, under liis belt — and were tlic trutli told, the laches were also screwed severely. The best mounted led the van — the slow ones formed a rear-guard — the happy couple occupied the centre — and, in this order, the troupe reined up within a few paces of ray window. Hymen, at times, makes strange selections — but he never played a more freaky prank than when he knotted the ill-assorted couple who halted at the Cat and Bagpipes for refreshment, I hate to see a grey -haired pantaloon pirouette with a bread-and-butter debutante at a country race-ball. AVell, 'tis but the silly weakness of the hour — a fugitive tomfoolery — laughed at, and forgotten. But, when the snows of seventv would intermingle with the sunshine of sixteen, 'tis hard to decide then which of two feelings will pre- dominate — disgust at the senility, which should have brought wisdom with it, or pity for a l)eing on whom life was scarcely opening, when con- signed, for some mercenary motive, to that worst of graves — a living one, and chilling, in the icy arms of age, the ardent glow of youtli, that every law of nature intended should have been faith- fully reciprocated. T had never seen my doughty cousin, nor wa.s 70 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, I at all prepared for an introduction to my new relative, and his " fair bed-fellow." While the bustling host, his helpmate, and his handmaiden, all were busily occupied in distributing alcoholic refreshment, I had ample leisure afforded me to view the happy pair, draw certain inferences which required little worldly wisdom to arrive at, and which a short time indeed confirmed to the letter. With one or two exceptions, and by no means " selon la regie," the bridegroom was the only person who seemed averse to a joint-tenancy on horseback, for his steed — heaven knows a sorry one he was — " bore but the weight of Anthony." In youth, I had heard that Mr. Hamerton was but an indifferent equestrian, and no stranger, having weighty liabilities, would have put him in the pig-skin for the cup at either Knockcraghery or Kinsallagh. At present he seemed sorely dis- tressed ; for it was only in broken sentences that he urged a general circulation of the alcohol, gasping at intervals, and with returning breath, that he would be accountable for the amount. His hair was short-cut, and grey; his features extremely plain. If wrinkles be a proof, age had placed " his signet sage" upon his brow, and it was evident at a glance that in committing IIUSII LIFE nCTUllES. 71 matrimony he was a very daring adventurer. From the happy man I turned to the lady who shared, or was supposed to share, in his fehcity. She was mounted on the best horse in the caval- cade, and seated hchind a very smart and good- looking young man. Her gipsy hat, flaunting with white favours, had fallen back, and the chin- ribbon alone restrained it, while a profusion of nut-brown hair, escaped from the ligature that should have bound it, clustered in wild luxuriance round her shoulders, and streamed in thick ringlets down her back. She looked a joyous, reckless creature, starting all unschooled upon the world ; the mind unmoulded ; the manners just as nature framed them. To kindred youth her sj)irit might have assimilated ; but, from this un- holy union, which mercenary considerations only had produced, what but miseiy and misfortune could be anticipated? Enough; the natural harvest was rea})ed in time ; and, were it needed, another proof could be adduced to shew how dangerous is the trial that age ventures on, when, to gratify a fancy that only dotage prompts, an- tiquated folly demands a youthful victim ; and, alas ! too frccpiently, a l)cing toeilect tlie sacritice is found. The liorscs had now got second wind ; the 72 EKIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, riders a glass or two additional. " Away ! away !'' was the word ; and, at a Waterloo charge, oif swept the bridal cortege. A turn in the road presently concealed them ; and ere the collision between iron and flint had faded on the ear, the rund^le of a vehicle was heard, and, seated on a jaunting-car, a lady closely muffled halted, and ahghted at " The Cat." From a hasty glance as she dismounted, I marvelled that a gentlewoman whose situation was evidently so matronly should travel without an experienced female friend, were it for no other purpose than to balance the bone- setter.* " Who is that lady ?" I said to the red-shank, who was removing dinner. " Feaks ! who should she be, but young Mistress O'Tool, as purty and plisant-spoken a lady as eye would find betwixt this and Galway," and she hastily retired from the presence. A summer storm had been brewing in the mountains. Big drops fell ; and, no doubt, they urged the bridal throng to galloj) forward as they had induced the stout young gentlewoman to remain behind, and seek shelter prudently at the hostelrie. I found the poteeine unexceptionable. The rain now came down in earnest ; and, as I * Name given to au Irish jauntiug-car. II IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 73 fabricated a second tumbler, I thus communed with myself, — " And so that stupid ass, our cousin, has takeu unto himself a wife. A wife ! lieavcn shield the dotard I I have heard that he's crippled with sciatica ; and what wants he with aught save an experienced manipulist to embro- cate the suffering limb when rheumatism invades it ? Schoolmen assert that the ways to heaven are numerous, while, 'tis said, — most irreligiously, no doubt, — that in a fair, frail wife, a husband easily attains beatitude. 'Faith ! this might have been a shrewd speculation of my worthy cousin. No matter. He's married ; the house of cards is fallen, and all my father built upon is prostrate. A few thousands, lent upon maiden security, and more in hundreds, doled out on gom peeine* and all that my Aunt Debby loved to dwell upon, my great-grandmother's gold-box, and cups, and covers, salt-spoons and snuffers ; a chest of brocaded silks, each gown able to stand uj)right, and tell, had it but a tongue, how, a huiiilrcd years ago, it had rufiled through a minuet. All are ali(;nated — lost — gone for ever. Well ! peace to tiieir memory ! I drink to it ; and now their requiem is sung. Well, my ride will not be un- rewarded, after all. Julia I had the price been u • Anglice — uourious interest. 74 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, pilgrimage to the Pyramids, I'd cross tlie Desert to tie that bonnet-string again ! How the rail, comes down ! If the bridal troop be not saturated' to the skin, I'll put no faith in a Connemara summer-storm for the future." ■ As I soliloquized the door half opened, and a couple of the softer sex were heard, in friendly altercation. " I might intrude upon the gentleman," said a piano voice. " Arrah ! whoever heard of such a thing ?" ex- claimed the maid-of-all-work, in return. " Bad luck to their manners ! the drunken vagabonds without there — to begin drawing their dhudeeins, and you at their elbow, and in the delicate situa- tion you're in. Arrah, come on, ma'am." The lady made no reply ; but Brideeine seemed determined to effect an introduction. A glance over my shoulder confirmed my suspicions. The fair intruder was the stout gentlewoman — I hate dumpy women worse than Byron did. I decided on general incivility, — ensconced myself in the window, — brought Julia to memory anew, and thus communed with myself : — " Was she altered ? Had the sylphic figure that operated through the popular dance of ' Mrs. M'Cleod,' as if she had been infected by a IRISH LIFE PICTURES. /O (janring-fawn, or stolen his talaria from the god of thieves, — had it })reserved its pristine sym- metry? How sweetly moulded were its light proportions ! A waist, that an aldermanic ring would circle ; a neck that it were treason to des- cribe, in that day of primitive simplicity (i. e., tivc-and-twonty years ago), when crenoline petti- coats were totally unknown, and the expose of a bustle in a shop-window would have subjected the vendor to the wrath of the ' Vice Suppression Association.' All about Juha was innocent and inartificial, as if she had dressed as that un- sophisticated personage described by ]Mr. Moore, called Nora Crina, who fancied mountain-breezes, and, like a sensible girl, eschewed tight-lacing." A chair-leg grated on the sanded floor. It was a movement made, no doubt, by the stout gentlewoman, to attract attention. In politeness I was called upon to accept the challenge, and shew her a full front. I did so ; and an in- vocation of some saint, whose rank and title 1 don't remember, with an earnest su|)i)lication for the especial interference of the Blessed Virgin, followed my recognition. 1 started, and looked surprised. Did fancy trick rae ? Was I in the presence of a former acquaintance, or a lady I had never seen before? 1 felt confounded, and V ^ 76 EllIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, respectfully inquired whether had I the honour of addressing Miss French or Mrs. O'Tool ? The lady's explanation proved that, possessed as she might have been of Lucretian virtue, she did not unite to this estimable quality the per- severance of Penelope. Indeed, her defence for broken vows was what Connaught lawyers call rather " rigmarole." Deserters, who had sought Connemara, " refugium peccatorum .'" as the priest said when cursing the flock, — had broadly asserted that the Peninsular army had been utterly annihilated ; one moiety having peiished by the sword, while the other, like rotten sheep, dropped off by hundreds in the hospitals. Could I be expected to withstand steel, and gunpowder, and medical trentment, before any of which Goliath himself would succomb ? No ; she con- cluded I cumbered the ground no longer, and was defunct as Julius Caesar. What could poor JuHa do ? She hated long nights, had an aversion to ghosts ; and, what security had she that at the midnight hour I should not present myself headless at her bed- side, tell her that a four-and-twenty-pound shot had, as she might remark, curtailed my fair proportions, — remind her that our engagement was " play or pay," — and head or no head, that IKISH LIFE PICTURES. 77 she was expected to behave Hke a gentlewoman, and couie to the scratch accordmgly. AVhat was to be done ? ]\Ir. O'Tool was a thriving man. He wanted a wife ; and Miss French, as it was generally supposed, was open to an offer. He wooed ; she wavered ; the fortress was pe- remptorily summoned, yielded on honourable terms, and was taken possession of accordingly. The shower ceased. The jaunting-car was ordered. I kissed the stout gentlewoman ; sent my kind regards to her loving husband. She headed westward, and until the road intervened " kissed her lily hand," while I took the opposite direction. Before I reached my paternal dwelling a dash- ing paragraph had announced in the " Galway Court Journal," that my cousin had led the elegant and accomplished Miss Arabella Sha- naghan to the hymeneal altar. The bride's costume, and the festivities at Castle Crogherty we take the liberty of passing over. My father asked no questions ; and I was profoundly silent on everything I had seen and suffered during my short inciu-sion into the kingdom of Connemara. Next morning, fortunately, an order came for me to repair forthwitli to Belgium. I obeyed it wil- lingly. Six months rolled on, and Waterloo was 78 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, fought. T passed the trial with a shot throiigli the shako, and another through the arm. In Paris, wliither I proceeded with the army of occupation, I found sundry letters waiting for me. Mrs. O'Tool had produced two chopping boys, and, as godfather, according to promise, I might take my choice ; or, if I had a fancy for a double adoption, no objection would be offered to favour me with the brace. Alas ! the other was a calamitous announce- ment. The bridal revelry which I had partially witnessed was followed soon by grief and lament- ation, and Castle Crogherty was now a house of mourning. Mrs. Hamerton had levanted, leaving behind a bereaved husband, but taking with her some of the house-linen, and the whole of the silver spoons. A minute description was given of the lady and the plate ; but, I suppose, as no reward was specified, neither of the abstracted articles were returned. Tf an annual presentation to stock his quiver should make man happy, IMr. O'Tool has cause to count himself blessed beyond ordinary mortals, he becoming in eight brief years undisputed owner of nine young O'Tools. So much for my lost love ; and now for a parting notice of my loving cousin. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 79 What j\[r. Hamerton's secret sufferings were when he found his lady had levanted, and at breakfast sickened to observe a pewter substitute paraded on the table instead of tlie silver im- plement ^vith which for half a century he had matitudinally assailed his eggs, it is not for us to say. He rallied, however, as the next assizes approached, and laid the usual story of blighted hopes and ruined happiness before a Galway jury, who, heartless mortals ! balancing ma- trimonial deliverance against lost plate, assessed the damages at a farthing. AVoman's ingratitude had bruised his spirit; but the attorney's bill, delivered a week after the verdict, concluded his history, and broke his heart. Reluctantly lie made a will, after both priest and doctor had more than hinted that it was full time his house should be set in order. It was very short, but very much to the puipose ; for, as in life he ke})t his goods and chattels fast together, in death he did not sunder them. lie bequeathed all that lie died possessed of — may he repose with the ri ^-hteous ! — to mc. 80 EUIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, ALBERT MURDOCK. There was a time, not twenty years ago, when the land of the West — auctoritate, the defunct Liberator — was no less celebrated for the beauty of its daughters than the chivalry of its sons ; when compared with one of these feminine daisy-cutters, a Haymarket danseuse might be objected to as crippled with a corn — while as to the boys, they were regular broths, out-and-out, and ready to back themselves against anything living in executing the Pater-o- pee* or preparing a private gentleman for the county infirmary. So far as criminal statistics go, we agree with the departed patriot ; but in his opinions touching lines of beauty we hold the Liberator to be heretical altogether — i.e. if Canova's or Chantrey's ideas respecting the to * This is a pas seul very fashionable in the kingdom of Con- naught, but not, as we believe, often danced at Her Majesty's Theatre. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 81 kalon were not marvellously erroneous. We are personally familiar with the " Far West," and never, with the highest pressure upon the imagi- nation, could Ave convert a splay-footed gentle- woman, innocent of shoes and stockings, and staggering beneath a creel of turf which would have proved oppressive to a donkey, in transitu from the bog to that clay-constructed abode of peace and purity, called in the vernacular, a cabin — w^e never, we repeat, could in her person embody those Phidian proportions wdiich poets delight to dream about and artists to produce. It pains us to dissent from Mr. Thomas ]\Ioore but we must sacrifice our courtesy to conscience. We appertain not to that gang called " Impres- sionists," — a term which, being rendered into English, meaneth a penny-a-lincr, — a modest personage, who will touch you off a county at so much a day, and do to order the largest of the United Kingdoms in a fortnight. We give our convictions emphatically, havhig been born, indoctrinated, and resident for a quarter of a century in the Emerald Isle ; and, if necessary, we hold ourselves ready to depone upon cor[)()ial oath that there is not a corner of that blessi d land with which we are not faniilar. With ever}' gradation of Hibernian society wc profess E 3 83 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, an intimate acquaintance. We have slept in that pleasant hostelrie " The Hole-in-the-wall," and we have been located, but always on compunc- tion, in the watchhouse of Saint Andrew. Fur- thermore, we have honoured the Castle with our presence on a birthnight-ball — ate our spoleeine* at Donnybrook — had an optic put in mourning as a digester — and finished the evening, much to our own satisfaction, with black cockles and whiskey-toddy at a caravansera, kept by a much esteemed citizen called Nosey M'Keown.f Polite as our town experiences have been, let it be distinctly understood that our rustic infor- mation and personal knowledge have been infi- nitely superior. On the summit of Carrig-a- * A Spoleeine is a mutton-cutlet fished upon requisition, and the production of the raetallics, from a cauldron sufficiently capacious to cook a dismembered sheep. The subdivision of the animal, before it is submitted to the action of hot water, being so regulated as to meet the numerical demands of the varied applicants who may favour the tent with their patronage, the lady presiding at the pot, and armed with a flesh-fork, inserting the instrument according to order. " A spoleeine for the man in the white hat," might occasionally be heard ; or, " Mate, Biddy, jewel ! for a single gentleman and his wife — Stick a tender bit, for they're reg'lar customers." f We rather fancy that an English "Impressionist," who should inquire after these once pleasant whereabouts, would re- ceive for answer, " where ?" HUSH LIFE PICTL'RES. 83 binniogc wc have bivouacked for the night, and, in the first grey mists of morning, shot — " think of that, Master Brooke !" — that splendid animal, now extinct there, the Red-deer. We have at curfew-hour smoked our cigar under the verandah of our cottage ; and, embowered in jasmine and honey-suckle, listened, between each deliberate and composing puft", to the booming of the bittern from the reedy enclosure of the little bog-lake, that lay within rifle-range of our garden-chair. In sooth, our wanderings have been extensive. Although Sassenach by descent, we" are Celtic in ailection, and to the slogan which once "Frighted the isle from its propriety," "justice to Ireland" — we will faithfully respond. We admire the better qualities of our country- men, and wc detest many traits of national character, which we — and from the bottom of our soul — pronounce to be detestable. In the production of her children the Green Isle is really a cai)rieious mamma. This day, she launches on the world a ])(>lished gentleman, and the next, a superlative rogue. Where is the walk of life in which the hishuian will not bo found jostling his way forward, and that, t(-o, 84 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, regardless whether it may lead to the woolsack or "end on Tyburn tree." In literature and science countless are the stars of first magnitude which the Green Isle has produced. To the eloquence of her sons how many in the Senate have listened with breathless attention ? As an adventurous and successful speculator, the Mile- sian would seem Fortune's favourite. Irish estates, and with magical celerity, are trans- ferred from hand to hand, and of any one of these ask their simple history. How many will you not find which have been purchased by fortunes won in the East, or in some of the transatlantic colonies, by men who took life's road without one friend or a second sixpence ? So far, and for civic life, it would appear that the Patlander is not nationally disqualified. We, as we observed before, are personally and practically acquainted with his failings, and, God knows ! their name is legion. We will, in his case, unhappy man ! nothing extenuate, and nought set down in malice. We will acknow- ledge his deserts, and w^e will denounce his delinquencies. Well, passing all other profes- sions beside, Pat prides himself upon his soldier- ship. Come — even on that, his favourite stand, we will enter the arena with him. IllISII LIFE PICTURES. 85 In Hinijie, we'll smooth liim down bv a verv flattering admission — and th;it is, that the mili- tary qualities of an Irishman arc second to none other upon earth. Were we not afraid of bring- ing the rest of the world on our back, and, Davus sum iion QLclipus — we are no Atlas — w^e would be much inclined to assign him a ship's character — A 1. What constitutes the soldier ? Courage and docility. Pish ! in the bull-dog, that didlcst thing of the canine race, you will find the first quality exuberantly developed ; and if you want docility, view it in any " Happy family" esta- blishment you encounter at the corner of a street. Single qualities you can easily obtain, but it is the associations of evil ones which des- troy character. Bravery will combine with blackguardism — and docility, without dash, is like unseasoned soup — not worth a second in- dipping of the spoon. A little devilry has some- times the same properties as red pepper. A tamely-charactered soldier may be estimable in the highest degree, but he will seldom be a suc- cessful one — and, although supercxcellent in the orderly room, he will be but a slow coach in llie field. 86 ERIN-GO-BRA GH; OR, Some twenty years ago I resided in a sweetLy situated cottage, a couple of miles from a largt'; western market-town. I selected it for my abid- ing place through fancy — for few besides would., as a residence, have accepted it in free gift. Tts locality was pretty. It stood in an exten- sive park, covered with old timber and young plantations, and surrounded with rich meadow- grounds. The cottage itself was overspread by ash and elm trees, the growth of centuries, and these were so thickly colonized with rooks and herons, that at times their clamorous communings were deafening. It was, however, a sweet seclu- sion ; for the eye, on whatever side it ranged, rested on tree and shrub, green pasturage or rich meadow. I said that few, except myself, would have chosen it for an abiding place. In that dis- tracted country, beauty is but a secondary con- sideration. It was straw-roofed — and any who pleased to try the experiment, could easily insert a lighted coal within the thatch, even without the trouble of raising himself on tip-toe. We were then young and reckless, confident in ourselves, and deeply embued with Irish indifference. Our little domicile was an armoury. When we went to rest, a double house-gun and divers pistols lay IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 87 jvitliin our reach ; but still, though well prepared, our castle was vulnerable, and we, on every side, C)pen to assault. Not a window was provided with a shutter; and sun-blinds are not bullet- proof. Our bed was on a correct level with the fl:ravelled walk — and couchant, Ave could have \)een quietly sent to our account, — the carpet- like surface of close-mown grass, affording the murderer every advantage in approaching unchal- lenged and unheard, and close enough to effect liis ])urpose. Our dogs were of an unsuspicious class, setters, and dull greyhounds. We had a bull-dog, it is true, who would seldom abate his hold, unless under a nasal application of a heated j)oker. ]^ut, like all his race, he was a thick- headed brute — and even if, on apprehended danger, you awakened him, the chances were, had an unoffending milch-cow been in sight, he would have passed the lurking felon without notice, to fasten on the milky mother. Such were our own statistics, and now for our talc. A year before we occupied our cottage and its dependencies, we learned that a man, named Albert Murdock, had ])uicha.scd a small farm — some dozen acres — from the owner of the estate. It bouiuh'il a [)ortion of the ilomain — and, liom 88 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, the upper gate of my avenue, was scarcely a bow- shot's distance. I found that he was a tabooed, man — hated by all around him — and before I w^as resident many days, he called at the cottage, and confirmed the report. I listened to his story. It was quite clear that he was persecuted — and for what reasons I had no right to enter on an inquisitorial research. I had but one course to follow — and being one of the King's poor esquires, it was my duty to pro- tect him. Accordingly, I freely lent him the light of my countenance — but our alliance was a brief one. The man and his history were wrapped in mystery alike. He came to the neighbouring town a stranger — represented himself as having spent early life in foreign parts, and added that his profession had been a sailor's. His habits were miserly — and the tale of his independence might have been doubted, had he not always de- frayed his trifling expenditure with ready money. But when he purchased the little farm, and when, on the signing of the deeds, he produced three hundred-pound-notes, freshly issued from the neighbouring bank, then popular opinion took an opposite turn, and Murdock was declared to be a man of untold riches. Vulgar himself, he consorted IRISH LIFE nCTURES. S9 only witli tlic vulgar. The daughter of a low •butcher took his fancy ; she was, indeed, a fine animal, and young enough to be his daughter. He proposed — her affections were another's — l'd. A quadrille band — select company — every delicacy of the season at a low figure — obliging waiters — and the gene- ral respectability of the concern attested by seven- teen licensed victuallers, whose signs and names were duly attached. The city is the place for money — the regular aragud sheish* Repaired to Ilungerford Market — end)arked — total absence of the aristocracy — so much the better — no mat- ter — we have blood enough at home — all we want is a little suet. Up through Westminster Bridge * Artfflice, rc.idy luoucy. 116 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, — dancing intimated — ball opened by a gentle- man in a monkey jacket, and vest illustrated with parrots and birds of Paradise. I cannot dance, although a young lady has kindly proposed to me — and I have veiy reluctantly declined the honour, being lamed by an angry corn and tight boot — a great misfortune — for fortune may have tluis eluded my grasp, through the agency of constricted calf-skin. Looked mournfully at " the gay fantastic throng." / cannot figure there. Off go the leading couple — for the opening per- formance is a contre danse. Heaven grant nie patience ! The villain who leads a lady in canary- coloured gros de Naples down the centre, is the pedal assassin ! He, promising, when I protested against tightness over the centre toe, that with half-an-hour's wear his accursed boots would fit " Like a Limerick glove." Is it — or rather, should it be — murder, to throw an 1 Ss. 6d. shoemaker into the Thames — he hav- ing lamed you for life ? I opine not. Is it just that a domestic invasion shall cost the inflict or a thousand pounds, and that you may be lamed for life, and your solicitor tell you an action will not lie ? How anomalous is English jurisprudence ! For deliverance from a lady wife who has kicked IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 117 over the traces, you are coiuforted with a cash consideration — while any felonious bootmaker niay render you eligible for " the town's end," without exposing himself to the penalties of the statute against cutting and maiming ! What a humbug is British law ! The malicious damage of a wooden leg will warrant either civil or cri- minal proceeding, while a fabricator of what the fancy politely term " trotter-cases," may cripple you for life, and laugh at you for complaining. July dth. — Came home — marvelled at that de- pletion of the purse so incident to a residence in London. I have now but half a score sovereigns left. Saints and angels ! I have not one — pocket picked by a very respectable-looking clergy- man who sat beside me in the omnibus. Applied to the waiter for a loan ; with reluctance he ad- vanced a guinea — and intimated that from eter- nal spoliation, the most faithful of the pantler tribe had become infidels at last. July 12th. — Receive a small remittance — can- not stand a west-end hotel another fortnight — move, therefore, to private lodgings, as I am told in London you can live comfortably upon half nothing, if you only know the way to do it. Took apartments in Street — landlady in- telligent and obliging, with sandy hair, and three 118 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, interesting daughters. Plate scarce — asked for a second table-spoon — one implement not being correctly adapted for discussing stewed eels and currant pudding. Maid of all work, Irish — great affection for the ould country — very communica- tive, and we converse in the vernacular — which, to the rest of the household, is an unknown tongue. She advises me to be off to-morrow — landlord coming to distrain next day. He will get the cumbrous articles — namely, kitchen table, metal boiler, and the water-butt — for an uncle of the landlady has kindly taken charge of plate and linen. I may easily ascertain the domicile of this affectionate relative — corner shop, with a triad of golden balls above it. Women meet with sympathy — a most obliging Jew will remove the heavier furniture at twelve p.m. Mem., never take apartments in the house of any gentlewoman whose hair even approximates to auburn. July ISth. — Beat a safe retreat, and established my household gods in a domicile of a different description. Nothing Scandinavian about the proprietrix — eye, nose, and colour, marking her unmistakeably a daughter of the family of pro- mise. Nothing can be more satisfactory than the character she gives herself. She is scrupu- lously conscientious — and as she cannot be ac- IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 119 countable for servants — implores me to be careful in locking up. 1 have not sported deaf adder to the hint, and yet my brandy-bottle is decidedly consumptive. Can it be evaporation — depres- sion ? three inches and a half since morning. Hinted the singularity of this alcohohc phenome- non to the maid-of-all-\vork, and received a con- fidential whisper, that missus had a duplicate key for every lock in the house. Further, that she was much addicted to broiled flat-fish — ciamp in the stomach consequent, and a little brandy, neat first, and burnt afterwards, was always a panacea for these abdominal visitations. We have, also, a devil of a cat — curious, Ijut mischievous ani- mal — he unlocked the safe last niiilit, and levanted with a duck larger than himself. Colo- nel O'Shaughnessy, who had been iny predeces- sor, being under medical advice, was ordered much physic, and a generous regimen. He com- plained bitterly of abstracted soups and jellies ; and it was a singular fact, that though medicine came in by the dozen, he never could trace an invalid pliial, and j)ill-boxes were scrupulously respected. Tlicrc was also tlie same spirituous evaporation incident to his decanters that have alllicted mine — and on returning after a week's absence, hall' u tluzeii of curious old port iiad 120 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, miraculously levanted, and even with their corks and bottles. I drink but weak tea, and yet the eternal demands on Twining are astounding. July 9th. — Caught old Nancy in the act — Hp and bottle united like the Siamese twins. Have moved accordingly — selected Highgate - hearing it was equally celebrated for pure air and rustic innocence. There one can inhale pure breezes, a rural walk, and " Breast the keen air, and carol as he goes," — should he have any propensity to indulge in sweet sounds. No innovation on his purse — no men- dicant to interrupt his quiet meditations with vexatious importunity — he may pick buttercups under any hedge, and no policeman order him to " move on," — and in his solitary ramblings he has nothing to dread but a gipsy fortune-teller, and a sticking cow. July nth. — Never more astray in my calcu- lations. Encountered at the corner of a green lane by a butcher's boy and runaway horse — carried home — put to bed — and on being restored to sensibility, received a comfortable assurance from the practitioner that I had great reason to rejoice three only of my ribs were dislocated, and in two months there w^as every reason to IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 121 expect tliat I might take gentle exercise on a crutch. Juhj Idth. — ITow widely learned Pundits differ in the treatment of diseases, and advocate the most opposite theories. 1 have a brace of advisers. One insists upon Thames water by the gallon — a ninety-seventh portion of a grain of calomel having been pi'cviously infused — the other recommends rump-steaks, Guinness's XXX, and a bottle of old port afterwards. I lean to the latter — " water swells a man," — and Napoleon never detested calomel more heartily than I do. I'll follow the advice of No. 2. Strange how doctors will disagree ! In practice, the [)olcs are not more apart — ^but in one thing they harmonize in opinion, and act upon it re- ligiously, i. e. never to decline a sovereign. July 20ih. — Ventured into town — can manage matters with a stick — tired of Highsate — butcher's daughter opposite makes strong love, and when I retire from the window she inditeth an epistk;. I wish she would place a stamp upon the corner — for three per diem would consume a private's pension. D — n it, I might stand the nuisance if she stuck to prose — but latterly she has come out in poetry. I'm off to-morrow. July '2\st. — The youngei- of the Griskin VOL. I. G 122 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, family favoured me with an evening call — a letter of his sister's was discovered, and he wishes to know are my intentions honourable, — whether I have any trade, or am a servant out of place. Replied by discharging a boot-jack at him — a dead hit and black eye — " So much for Buckingliam !" July 22ncl. — Before Mr. Allspice, a retired grocer and justice of the peace, and bound over to be of the peace for twelvemonths to the Griskin family, young and old, in the penal sum of £20. July 2'3rd. — Located in a sky parlour in Jermyn-street, and hope that in a few weeks I shall be right upon my pins again. Ran against a gentleman in Pall Mall, to whom, when he was a detached subaltern, I had three years before been a little civil. Curse the receiver ! We were not then under his tender care, and could offer a fat goose, leg of mutton, and warm bed, to any gentleman who would accept them, and the longer he stayed, the better. Eheu ! mutatus — as the poor priest often said. July 2^th. — Accepted my friend's invitation to go down to Wales — quiet and change of air will be the life of me — start accordingly this evening. Aug. \st. — A week in the country — how beau- tiful the mountain scenery is, and what a splendid IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 123 woman his sister ! She has £30,000 in her own right — and, blessed Anthony ! what a foot and ankle ! Aug. Srd. — The stick is discarded — Dion's himself again ! Aug. 5th. — Day named for my departure. Ah! Julia, would to Heaven I were owner of a coronet, and it should be laid incontinently at vour prettv feet. But honour bright, Dion ! You have no pretensions to an heiress — no at- tempt on your part to sneak into any family in the empire shall be made — you must not com- promise all you can lay claim to — your honour ; and thank God ! that is still your own. Aug. Gth. — Julia seems dispirited — as to me, I ajn dull as Moor ditch. ISIy friend opines that I am not in marching order yet, and avers that another week will make me quite ready for the road. A slight denmr has been oflfered to the proposition — overruled — as they say in law — unpacked the portmanteau. Aug. 1th. — I hold strong suspicions that 1 have found favour in Julia's sight. Aug, Sth. — Doubt upon the subject dissipated, for in an evening stroll through the hazle coppice, the murder has come out. "And so you are determined It) leave to- o -2 124 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, morrow. Will you not extend your visit a few days longer ?" Accent strong upon the word will, with a furtive inquiry by a side glance from an eye, bright and black as a Border gipsy's. " Alas ! Miss Julia, I must reluctantly drag myself from this sweet seclusion, and your fair self — to return to that racketty and rascally metropolis." " And do you really like the country ? Would you not weary of solitude like ours ?" " Were I arbiter of my own destinies, sweet Julia, T would bid farewell to ' the flaunting town' for ever." " And why not adopt a rural life — and — " " Because, my fair friend, circumstances im- periously forbid it. I have no concealments, Julia — and cannot recall to memory an act that should redden my cheek. W^hy then withhold from you, a full disclosure ? Others have wrecked my fortunes, and reduced what should have been a goodly property to little beyond the name. A few years will close the history of an ancient family — and the roof-tree of the O'Dogherties, w^hich covered my ancestors for five centuries, ere long will shelter the stranger who shall purchase our reduced inheritance. Julia, I am young — my spirits are elastic — my health vigorous — the IRISH LIFE PICTUUES. 125 world's a wide one — and while youth and health encourage the essay, I will find my way to inde- pendence, or, at least the attempt shall be stoutly made. Should I succeed, 1 will secure at least an humble home wherein to wear the winter of my life away, when these black hairs have changed to grey, and age demands repose. If not, I sliall console myself by thinking that al- though the essay failed it was from no lack of energy on my part. I may succeed — as broken ships as mine have come to port ; and if the bark founder, why thousands of nobler argosies have gone down before my paltry skiff." Nature's eloquence surpasses that of the school's immeasurably ; and mine came gushing from the heart. Julia, in smothered sobs, bore mute testimony to the antiquated truism, that artless pleading like — " Silence, in love, will more avail, Than words, however witty ;" while I — an impulsive animal — caught her to my breast, and, tell it not in Gath ! pressed my li[)s most impudently to hers, " and yet she chid not." In sublunary affairs there is no security. That thicket was cut out, as it would seem, for love's confessional. The blackl)ird whistled, niul a 126 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, dozen minor birds warbled to the best of their ability : who, then and there, could suspect that aught but love was waking; but, as the little god is described as being rather stout and plethoric, he might have been taking a sleep after dinner — and small blame to him. " Julia, I must leave you." " Upon my soul you shall not, Mr. O'Dogherty," said a voice from behind the clump of ever- greens. " I can't remove the sombrero from the knave of spades — nor is there time to practise, more Hibernico, at a chalked-out man upon a barn-door — " I interrupted him. " You fancy that you have cause to upbraid me with — " " For fancy, say feel. This angle in the plant- ation is a cul-de-sac. What brought me there is immaterial. But there T have been imprisoned — lost my own liberty in mine own domain — and am threatened with the loss of my sister also. Pray, sir, what pretensions can you advance to seek this lady's hand ?" and his gravity was imperturbable. " None, sir," I answered, calling dignity to my aid. " In fortune none — in all besides, I feel myself your equal." IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 127 " And let me demand by what authority you dared to touch her hps ?" Juha and I looked extremely foolish. " I— I— I—" " Oh ! curse your stammering," and he burst into a roar of laughter as he looked at us. " Be off, Julia. Supper on the table in ten minutes, or I'll demolish the household ; and, worthy sir, if you think that love and a grilled chicken will harmonize, I pray you to accompany the lady." Supper passed over. Neither Julia nor I was on a bed of roses ; and she hastily retired, bidding us good night. A\ illiams shoved the brandy- flask across the table. " They said, while I was shooting in the Highlands last year, that ' a brandered grous required a gude drappie ;' and, as I suppose, a grilled chicken also demands its concouiitant in brandy-and-water. I was not this evening an intentional eaves-dropper; 1)ut, blockaded in my own premises, and my aural functions being correct, I could not play deaf adder. Let us understand each other, ]\Ir. O'Doghcrty. i\Iy sister is my ward — and in that trust my duty will require that every shilHng — namely, 20, ()()(»/. — shall be rigidlyscttled for matrimonial |)nrp()S('s. I'rom some accidental remarks which fell from 128 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, you, I regret to say that I must conclude your paternal property is seriously embarrassed. Might not a lady, whose fortune was more dis- posable, suit better than my sister ?" My face flushed. I could have knocked him down. " Now don't be angry. My sister's fortune is, and shall be tied up strictly ; 5000Z., I fancy, would not liquidate the claims upon that devil- may-care concern, in which I ate the finest turkeys, drank the best poteeine, and slept in as snug a bed as ever a tired snipe-shooter reposed in — I mean your family abiding place. Now can you raise the money ? Do that — come with a cleared title — and we'll talk of matters touchins; matrimony hereafter. Come, pass the brandy " I fear," I replied, sotio voce, " that what you propose is an Augean task, and I am no Her- cules." " How much would clear the encumbrances. Five thousand ?" I shook my head. "Six?" Another shake. "Curse it, speak out, man. Is the estate worth redemption, eh ?" " Billy Davis," I replied, as subdued as a 53 IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 159 well-whipped school -boy, " mentioned that, if properly applied, 8000/. would remove every claim." He took a couple of turns across the room. " Yoii must — and it sounds an inhospitable annunciation — abridge your visit here. No meeting with my sister. I shall order the car- riage to-morrow morning in time to catch the London coach — and you shall carry in the mail bag a letter to Messrs. " and he named some eminent solicitors. " Call at their office on your arrival, and my decision, as guardian and brother, shall be then and there waiting for you. Take — what did you call it in Ireland dog — dochy " Dock an durris." " That dock an durris often settled me. Well, no more. Was not the coursing excellent. I would not part with my brindled bitch to be made a captain in the militia." I filled my glass mechanically — and would not have cared if the brindled bitch had broken her own back, and not that of the timid animal that Cowj)er weeps over in maudlin poetry. Aug. \'2th. — I reached London, after violating the injunctions of my brother elect, by obtaining an interview with the fair Julia, and receiving a G 3 130 ERIN-GO-BllAGH ; OR, most comfortable assurance, that, like Tony Lumpkin's filial obedience, her deference to her guardian should be exemplary, provided she should be permitted to have everything her own way. Although a midnight meeting in a lady's chamber might be considered by the fastidious as not exactly selon la regie — still, on our part, a rigid attention to decorum was observed — for Julia's maid sate at the top of the stairs outside, not only to sanction the interview, but also to tap at the door on the first movement of an in- trusionist. On reaching London, I presented my cre- dentials to the lawyers in Lincoln's-Inn, and found that a letter was there waiting for me. It was from Julia's brother, and it ran thus — " My dear O'Dogherty, " I fancy you are a better hand at making love — maiming a private gentleman honourably — and fencing a stiff country, than in disentangling the complicated liabilities inflicted generally on an Irish estate. Now, in full confidence, touch- ing the candour of your confessions, I have directed my solicitors to dispatch an astute agent instanter, to wipe off the encumbrances on your family property — and also to tie your worthy IRISH LIFE PICTURKS. 131 father down neck and heels ; so that when a per- fect deHverance shall be effected, he shall go and sin no more. Indeed, there is little fear of future laches on his part. The gout will be a tolerable security against exuberance in his orders to the w hie- merchant — and, as he is not younger, and as I hear considerably fatter than when I was a recipient of his hospitality, I presume he would not venture to ride after a rheumatic fox — ergo, we are secure against extravagance in horse-flesh. " If you can manage to keep out of trouble for a week, at the end of that period it is my in- tention to proceed to town, and take charge of you for the present. " I want private lodgings any place near Bond- street, including suitable accommodation for my sister, who intends to accompany me to town, and by a large investment in gloves and ribands give declining trade a powerful impetus. — Yours, &c." " I have given every information and full in- structions to the lawyers — and Mr. Sharpsct, the junior partner, has started on his Irish mission." Au(j. Wth. — Despatches from the gem of the 13:2 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, ocean — Ireland, to wit — tliey are satisfactory — half the alleged claims upon my father prove fic- titious—they are chiefly bills of costs — and, in most cases, four times charged out of five, turn out mere fabrications. Mr. Sharpset has used the pruning knife unmercifully — a gompeein-man, cut down seventy per cent., has threatened felo-de-se, and his razors are impounded — sixteen attorneys are actually in sackcloth and ashes — the receiver has taken his departure — and Richard's himself again, Welsh detachment arrived safe in town — "Wil- liams has made us a present of 5000Z. to com- mence housekeeping. He can't spare more, as he expects within the year that there will be a demand upon him for baby linen. Aug. 20th. — Married — selected Brighton as a proper place wherein to hide our blushes. In Wales — six moons have waned — extremely happy — Julia prettier than ever, but looks a httle delicate. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 133 Extract from the " Llangotblen ^lercury" : — " At Abcrdovey House, the residence of her brother, Wilhaiu Wynn WilUams, Esq., the kuly of Dionysius O'Dogherty, Esq., of Clonsilla Castle, county of Galway, of a son and heir." A leading paragraph gave an interesting ac- count of beer, bonfires, Welsh harpers, and general rejoicings — and a bulletin was annexed by Doctor Morgan, declaring that the lady was recovering beautifully, and the heir, if he lived, woidd prove a broth of a boy. 134 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, A SHORT BIOGRAPHY OF A GENTLEMAN FROM IRELAND. This is, or rather has been, a wonderful age for rail-roads and biographies. Fortunately, the mania for the one has subsided, or the United Kingdoms — the Highlands and immediate vici- nity of Phnhmmon excepted — would, when viewed on a clear day from a balloon, in the endless iron interlineations of the surface, have exhibited the correct similitude of an overgrown gridiron, or a Scottish plaid. Railways have had their day — would we could say as much touching obituaries — for the latter outrage upon the public, so far from being abated, seems to be fearfully on the increase. If a dancing- master die, his son and successor places the full particulars of his lamented father's dietary and doings, and with all possible dispatch, before the world — and, in the dramatic line, even a clown IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 135 is considered good for six or seven hundred pages — tumbling and twaddle, of course, being the staple articles. Deceased strtesmen, who, during a long life, conducted themselves so harmlessly that nobody ever heard of them, are evoked by some great-grand-daughter from the tomb. Generals, extremely peaceable in the flesh, are placed as large as life again upon the field, and that, too, after the repose of a long century. Any post-captain in the Navy List is considered cheap at a post octavo ; and, on the demise of an admiral, there is a regular rush among the literary gentlemen in the life line, to have the honour of touching off the defunct commander. No departed comedian is per- mitted to rest quietly in the grave ; and even chancellors are summoned from the tomb, and reseated on the woolsack by their own suc- cessors. In olden time, rest and the grave were con- sidered to be things concurrent. Resurec- tionists, it is said, have retired from business — but no matter how luunble and inoffensive a man may be, the tondj is no security at tiie present day against his being [)aradcd before the public even by his own executors and heirs-at- law. In fact, nobody is safe from having his 136 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, life taken — not by the sword — but the pen. In proper snccession, we shall have " Memorials of Professor Morrison, by the President of the College of Health," — " Secret Correspondence of Mr. Keeley with Mr. Buckstone, extracted from the Original MSS."— " The Life and Times of Michael Gibbs, Alderman and Citizen of London," and "The Remains of Emanuel Moses, Marine Merchant, by his Son and suc- cessor in the business." There will be "A Voice from Bermuda," on the demise of the first Irish patriot who may shuffle off this mortal coil ; and overtures have been made to Mr. Joseph Ady, by a young and spirited pub- lisher in the Row, to obtain the early particulars of the private history of that distinguished phi- lanthropist, at the request of half a dozen gen- tlemen of great erudition and research, to enable them to present a biography, and the whole of his invaluable and unredeemed correspondence to the world, in tw^enty-seven quarto volumes, uniform in size with the last and corrected edition of the Encyclopedia Edinensis. It would be strange, indeed, if in this age of biographical competition, when, if a quack per- petrated his confessions, his sanctum would be besieged by applicants for these valuable manu- IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 137 scrij)ts, that tlic literary remains of a gentleman but lately gathered to his fathers, should not be demanded with avidity, and given with all con- venient expedition to an expecting public. The gifted individual we allude to, was the late lamented Miles Patrick Malone ; and the painful, but pleasant duty will devolve on me, who became demise possessor of his invaluable manu- scripts, to select a few descriptive and interest- ing extracts, after I shall have given a brief notice of his metropolitan career. I knew him in early life — and when I went to the Peninsula, left my friend Miley, as they abbreviate it in Ireland — idling time away at his maternal uncle's. That relative was of gentle- manly descent — and proprietor of a small estate mortgaged to the full amount of the fee-simple, and, as people whispered, perchance a little more ; and the house, in its state of repair, and in all that appertained to comfort and general economy, was pretty similar to the pleasant mansion called Castle llackrent. For the long period of twenty years, T was l)ut once at home ; and, during that visit, I learned that Miles had emigrated some dozen years before, and esta- blished his Penates in the Modern Hahyloii. Touching the success of his career, the accounts 138 ERIN-GO-BllAGH ; OR, received were most conflicting. One visitor to London declared that he had actually seen him driving four-in-hand ; while another averred that he had encountered the real Simon Pure at the Boiled Beef-house in the Old Bailey — and, according to his report, his appetite appeared very excellent, but his outward man extremely seedy. It was as I said passim, after a space of twenty years, when I ran against Miley in person, and one glance assured me that whatever the alterations of his fortunes might have been, their results were the reverse of being pros- perous. He was breaking up fast — and when I returned to town from Cheltenham in a month, it was quite clear that poor Miley was regularly in the raven's book. My suspicions were con- firmed in a few weeks afterwards — for he slipped his girths, leaving me heir to the whole of his effects, with an understanding that I should bury him. I accepted the trust — and it is only necessary to observe, that, the rent deducted, the assets realized were four pounds seventeen — the undertaker's bill having dipped severely into the half-pay of the current quarter. It would be surprising indeed, in this age of biographical book-thirstiness, when the memo- rials of a chiropodist by himself, would be vigo- IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 139 rously coQipetcd for, if the Life and Remains of a gentleman, like ray departed countryman, should fail in creating an immense sensation. Possessor of his invaluable MSS., I shall lose no time in preparing a memoir of my regretted friend for general perusal ; and with a liberal amount of extracts from his London Experiences, I shall then have best discharged a double duty to society, by communicating important in- formation, and that, too, conveyed in a most agreeable dress. The date of Mr. Malone's birth I cannot exactly ascertain. Within mortal memory there was no church in the parish, and, consequently, no vestry. The late Incumbent, who lived to ninety-five, and held the benefice for seventy -three years and five months, always inserted parochial occurrences in the yearly almanack. We believe that this would not be a presentable record in a court of law — nor, even, as a behest, we hold doui)ts whether they (we mean old almanacks) would be received by the British Museum. Under these difficulties, we cannot authenticate the exact day on which Mr. Malone saw the 140 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, light; and, indeed, the earlier portion of his history is somewhat wrapped in obscurity. His education was confided to the care of the Reverend Ignatius O'Sullivan, a very zealous, but not a very erudite, churchman ; who, feeling that his spiritual functions were removed above grammatical restriction altogether, was pleased to spell physician with an f, and wrote the pro- noun personal with a little i, always, however, being careful to dot the letter. It is marvellous how men manage to get on in the British metropolis; and Miles Patrick Malone was so lucky as to find out that secret. There is a sort of gentility associated with idle- ness, and particularly in Cockney estimation, that gives an unemployed personage a fictitious importance. The reasoning is unsound. He has no visible means, and, consequently, he must have occult resources. This logical deduc- tion is erroneous, and Mr. Miles Patrick Ma- lone's case will on that point, as we believe, be proof satisfactory. A presentable man, provided he stand well with his tailor, and having certain qualifications IRISH LIFE riCTURES. 141 besides, will rarely want a dinner in London. He must be no stander on strict punctilio, but ready to fill a chair vacated by apology, and that even at the eleventh hour. If the company be slow coaches, he is, at a hint, expected to come out pleasantly. He must be fond of children, and allow any two-year-old introduced with the dessert, to take awful liberties with his shirt- front. In the drawing-room he is expected to hold himself ready to ring the bell and poke the fire. Should there be a quiet quadrille for the juveniles, and also an elderly young lady — or what is called in Ireland "a wall-flower" — in the room, at a nod from the hostess he is required to solicit the honour of her hand. In- deed, like a servant-of-all-work, he is required to make himself generally useful — and thus, by strict attention to morning visits and general civility, he may manage to dine out six days out of the seven. On this principle IMiles Patrick Malone acted systematically. Aware that the whereabouts of a man upon town is deeply important, he en- sconced himself in Jermyn Street. The rent was not oppressive, — the locale being the back sky- parlour, — and the weekly consideration seven shillings. The first floor let for three guineas, 142 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, but as Miles Patrick was never at home in his hfe, nobody could possibly ascertain whether his portion of the mansion extended over the shop, or had reached the poetical altitude described by Juvenal — ubi ova wolles reddant columhce. But, although Miles was always in person non inventus, an invitation was never known to go astray. These hints at a symposium about to come off, were always correctly responded to ; and Mr. Malone was never durino; life five minutes behind the dinner hour but once, and that occurred through his being knocked down at a crossing by a drunken cabman. Miles Patrick screwed on wonderfully for a dozen years. Report said, that at one period of his metropolitan career he was proprietor of two horses and a groom, and that the attendant wore a black frock and was moreover correctly leathered. Even later in life he was once or twice encountered in a cab, but the latter turn- out exhibited a suspicious appearance. Like a military mercenary, it was evidently a subsidised affair. The harness was gilded as extensively as gingerbread at Greenwich Pair, and the tiger, though short in stature, would, if rolled out, have extended to a grenadier, and turned twelve stone in his stable-clothes. IRISU LIFE PICTURES. 143 From what quarter Miles Patrick extracted his supplies was a mystery to the world. Of ac- quired property he was considered innocent, and paternal he never had possessed : yet he dressed well for a dozen years, — dined out six days, and mostly also on the seventh, — and his card bore always a west-end reference. Youth, however, is necessary for a London hanger-on ; and although, with much tact and some talent, he, the hanger- on, may last until middle-age, after that epoch in his career, the dining-out gentleman becomes too stiff to tumble, and he is declared, consequently, to be useless, as obese sweeps were in former times, when they had grown too stout to get up a flue. i\[ore youthful candidates push these un- happy men from their dinner chairs, and poor Miles Patrick lived long enough to experience that sad consununation. Stories, racy a dozen years before, became in time as uninteresting as a decided Chancery cause ; and as he grew older, he grew more tedious as a raconteur. Fresher men, who attended fights and pigeon-matches, engrossed attention ; for poor Miles Patrick's disposable commodities were details of the Cato- strcet conspiracy, and curious reminiscences of a conversation over a mutton choj), hohieii with two Jews and a foiviguiir dining the trial of (j)neen 144 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, Caroline. If Miles Patrick induli>;ed in a remi- niscence of Pitt, Sheridan, or Fox, the host in- stantly shoved onwards the decanter ; and, at the dessert, when three sweet girls and a boy were introduced, a general description of the burking system was ruthlessly interrupted by the lady of the house, who declared that after Miley's last minute detail of the murders at Ratcliff-Highway, and the ovation of Williams' body through the city in a cart, the children were obliged to take composing draughts for a week ; and the nursery- maid, for fear of encountering ghosts upon the stairs, had consumed candles to an extent that was alarming. Lower and lower still poor Miley descended — and, in his social relations, he subsided gradually into a member of that subordinate order who speak monosyllabically, describing persons as flints, bricks, and snobs, — abbreviate the word " gentleman" to " gent," — torture the language generally, and take shameful liberties with the vowels. Alas ! his tenure even in that clique M^as only at will ; and in less than a twelvemonth, admission could only be gained by taking ad- vantage of the accidental cleansing of the hall- door brasses, or the ignorance of a new servant, unskilled in visiting admissibility. The oppor- IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 145 tiinity availed nothing. The lady issued dinner directions coolly in Miles Patrick's presence — the correct conduct to be observed in fish and flesh successions was duly enforced — punctuality urged upon the pastry-cook — and the morning visit was foreshortened by a brusque intimation, on the lady's part, that she requested liberty to depart — the children, poor dears ! from numbers one to five, were in regularly for the whooping-cough, and she had a dinner for a dozen to look after. Alas ! there was no addendum to the speech — " Mr. Malone, although the table will be crowded, wc can still manage to squeeze a corner out for I" you ! Lower and lower yet ! To an occasional in- vitation his poverty and not his will consented. 'J'hc latent sparks of gentility smouldered still ; and Miles Patrick rejected the sponsorship of the butcher's first-born, and declined a baker's invi- tation to that annual festivitv which marked the return of his britlal day. Poor fellow ! a good dinner would not have come amiss ; for on the day that he rejected the baker's leg of mutton and accompaniments he had dined with Duke ilnniphry. How the last two or three years were eked out none but him.^clf could tell. Wc fear that his VOL. I. H 146 EEIX-GO-BRAGH ; OR, privations at times were painful. When he did go out, it was hebdominally, — and that on the morning when he could best manage a clean shirt. His clothes, in dye and texture, had given striking indications of senihty, — and from Wel- lingtons he had descended to Bluchers, and, lower yet, from Bluchers even to what in snob parlance are termed '' high-lows." His hat was always damp-brushed, — and the gold- topped Manilla cane had been succeeded by an unpre- tending sapling. He was, and too evidently, a decayed gentleman, — but he was a gentleman after all. With this prefatory notice, we shall proceed to make a few valuable and instructive extracts from his posthumous memoranda. LONDON, GENERALLY CONSIDERED, is the best place on earth, where a man who may be averse to lay himself under the obligations at- tendant on letters of introduction, can or should resort to, inasmuch as an entree into the best society is obtained at once by a call at the crib of any fighting-man in the victualling line — a drop in at a harmonic meeting — or, indeed, a nocturnal visit to any of the " Innishes." Nothing is slower IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 147 than the march of popular prejudice towards abolition — and country-people, especially, are in- disposed to discard early opinions, even as they stick tenaciously to their leathers and con- tinuations. In the sight of these rustical ante- diluvians a " Free and Easy" is the first step to transportation ; and, in their disordered fancies, the Cider Cellar, being subterranean, is associated with a place we never mention ; and they quote, if they be Latinized, the old saw " facilis descensus Averni." Well, let us suppose that a young gen- tleman starts for the metropolis, — his first ap- pearance on any stage, — with a week's leave of absence, much good advice, and, what is more to the pm-pose, a ten-pound note from the governor, — passim, if in London you called your progenitor /a^/ier, you would be dished regularly, and no mistake — and we will also suppose that the maternal branch of the finnily slips him a five- pounder on the sly. Well, he starts for the modern Babylon, having entered into a prelim- inary undertaking, that he will neither dive at tlie witcliing hour into the pleasant retreat called the Cider Cehar, nor patronize the fashionable hostel ries of that classic region Drury Lane, where, as l)revity is reputed to be the soul of wit, instead of setting out her name at full length, as n 2 1 48 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, if it were an indictment at the Old Bailev, the lady, being a matron, abbreviates Mistress Honey- wood into "Mother H." Well, obedient to established prejudices, he dutifully eschews these fashionable retreats tabooed by the old gentleman in the conntry ; but is not Mr. Evans at home under the Piazza ? and Baron Nicholson — what a slap it is at his lazy brothers on the bench — sitting, albeit "fat as butter," even in the dog- day evenings, and offering practical lessons in elementary jurisprudence to any youthful aspirant to the woolsack. It is not unusual for gentlemen, particularly from Ireland, to repair annually to London, on the same prmciple that servant-maids come froai the country, to better their condition. We assume, therefore, that the visitor is from the ould country, and that his business to the metropolis is matrimonial. He may, if he can spare seven or eight shillings, advertise in the " Sunday Times ;" but ladies of high connexions and abondjide £10,000, seldom operate through the newspapers. Much will depend on the amount of what may IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 141) be the hymeneal qualification. If money only be required, Margate may answer in the season. If to the rowdy, high birth, position in society, and educational advantages must be added, you must steam on to Ramsgate ; and the outlay is only four-and-sixpence after all. Let nothing, however, induce you to stop at Heme Bay. It is a Hebrew settlement, where even the purchase of a penny cigar wovdd be imprudent ; and had you the wisdom of a serpent, once debarked on the wooden jetty, you would risk the loss of one of your molares, did you not remain jaw-locked wliile you inspected the beauties of the surround- ing scenery. To compassing and contracting matritnnny in any locahtv with a fjarden attached, I have a tie- cided objection; and in this sweeping list I in- chule Vauxhall, Cremorne, the AVhite Conduit, Tivoli, and a full et cetera, even to tea-drinking on IIanq)stcad Heath. A balloon, nocturnally laimchcd, or even a shower of fireworks, is de- cidedly unfavourable to the calm selection of a consort. I speak from sad experience, having known a very de])lorable case of an Irish gentle- 150 ERIN-GO-BUAGII ; OR, man, who was matrimonially ruined during the penultimate ascent of Madame Saqui, by a lady's maid, who possessed consummate impudence, a two year's character, and a purple pellorine. In laying out money to advantage, a man who knows town well, can effect wonders; and no matter what his wants are, from a penknife to a phaeton, they can be readily supphed. Requires he a gun? At any Birmingham repository he can make his selection — and the vendor will oblio;ino;lv convert the concern into a town-made tool, by merely engraving the name of any Lon- don tradesman on the weapon, whom the pur- chaser may have a fancy for. For miscellaneous property, I opine that a lamp-lighted depository in Cheapside is the place — the hammer-man being of the Hebrew profession — and, consequently, so extremely conscientious, that he would scorn to take advantage of a Christian child. In the un- questionable honour of an advertising bill-dis- counter, you may repose unbounded confidence, and fearlessly eiitrust your securities to his safe- keeping, and you will be certain of the money when you get it. Are you a bachelor, and desire IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 151 clothing that shall outlast the period of your na- tural life? or, are you a family-man — I do not mean a pick-pocket — and wish your garments to descend as heir-looms to your children? repair at once to Moses and the jMinories. Need you medical intervention for any malady the flesh is heir to ? Avoid all Galenical preparations as compounded by a licensed apothecary, and place your trust in heaven, Professor HoUovvay, and Parr's Pills. Be cautious, however, in using the latter— keep the Wandering Jew before your eyes — for did you incautiously swallow a double dose, you would live to eternity. There is much that is dangerous in London, which should be cautiously guarded against, — and human destruction is not confined, by any means, to patent medicines. The category would be tedious to set out in full. Be wide awake to the driving of a butcher's boy, who has imperilled dinner by stopping to look for half-an-hour at Punch and Judy in tlic adjacent street — or to that of a doctor without j)ractice. Eschew gen- tlemen " from Ireland," who make assurance iloubly sure, by a pledge of honour at every sen- 152 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, tence. To propose to a lady on the first evening that you sport a toe with her at Baron Nathan's weekly bal dansante, is rather hazardous — nor would I recommend you to accept a bill for a gentleman, previously unknowai, whose acquaint- ance you were so fortunate as to make in the transit of " Waterman, No. 7," between London Bridge and the pier at Gravesend. A Californian security, by every account, is unexceptionable. I hate trouble — and hence I prefer a cheque on Coutts', it is so handy and presentable. At an Urban-plate-house you can have your steak for sevenpence-halfpenny, with one penny to the fair administratrix. At the Blue Posts, in Cork Street, it costs a little more — but when the metallics will permit, I always stand the difference. I have a silly prejudice in favour of light-complexioned table-linen — and — it is, I trust, a pardonable weakness — when I confess that I incline to a four-pronged implement in silver, rather than the bi-furcated article generally in city use, attendant on a knife with wiped blade and horn handle. Should you be of that order termed " private gentleman," — which generally meaneth, a person IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 153 not required to resort either to trade or profession for a maintenance,— time may hang heavy on your hands. Could you manage to get into a Chancery suit, you are certain of occupation dur- ing life — or if you have a fancy for figures, exa- mine the Walbrook vestry-books, balance the ac- counts, and you can agreeably occupy leisure time, and even wet Sundays, for the next seven vears. In selecting your city hostelrie, go always to a singing establishment. Are you ill ? the land- lord and his staflF never go to bed — and if you seek your dormitory in good health, you are lulled " to pleasure and soft repose" by a serenade — no charge additional. If a poetical shop-bill be insinuated into your hand, repair instanter to the establishment pointed out. You may rest assured that the proprietor is a man above the common caste — a poetic citi- zen you may safely deal with — the Muses, and no mercenary considerations engrossing his at- tention. H :3 154 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, Dulce est dissipere — and a rat-affair in Smith- field is extremely interesting. Back the varmin always against the dog. Reports touching the hocussing of the little animals have crept into circulation. The charge is grossly libellous — for gentlemen in the rat-line are " full of honour as a corps of cavalry."* Are you in want of wine ? repair to a city auction. If the gentleman honoured with in- structions for its disposal, declares that it is vin- tage 1738, and, consequently, one hundred and eleven years in bottle, bid fearlessly. If he farther add that it was a self-importation, not only bottled, but even corked, by the great- grandfather of the late and lamented proprietor, you may safely advance five shillings a dozen additional upon this guarantee. Implicit reli- ance may ever be reposed in the word of an auctioneer, for he would scorn to drop hannner upon desk, were the rigid facts of his statement not strict truth even to the letter — and to be verified, if necessary, upon affidavit before the Lord Mayor. In horse-flesh the same hints may be gener- * Doctor Ollapod. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 155 ally attended to. Some men are unhappily of that infelicitous disposition, that they distrust everything and everybody. Be guarded against such sinister-minded examples of the body po- litic. Well, we suppose you want a horse — and you attend punctually at the auction hour, which is politely described as 12 for 1 — an auctioneering impertinence that nobody but that consummate impersonation of effrontery would venture to perpetrate. You will gener- ally hnd the yard crowded with idle people, who would induce you to fancy they had de- signs upon a horse, although they could not afford milk to a house-cat. They examhie, however, the animal produced with anxious at- tention — and while the gentleman in the pulpit, armed with his mallet, details the virtues of the quadruped, they maliciously take general excep- tions. One gentleman perceives tliat the nag steps a little short — another detects a feather on his eje — a third will tender an affidavit that he is a regular roarer — while a fourth cunningly detects an incipient spavin. All these men are mere grumblers — and pass them unheeded. Up comes a plain and unpretending personage. He is none of the flash scamps that overrun cider-cellars and infest bazaars. He is merely a 156 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, man from the country, and plainly dressed — blue coat, gilt buttons, a coloured vest, volumi- nous neck-protector, tights, and continuations. He is, moreover, florid in complexion, wears a broad-brimmed hat, and carries a double- thonged whip. He makes a rustic salutation — begs pardon for the liberty he is about to take • — but having known the horse at hammer since he was foaled, and having also perceived that you had an eye turned in that direction, he begs to say, that what could have induced the pro- prietor to part with him, the horse, altogether passeth his miderstanding. On the strength of such disinterested assurances, you come out stoutly with ten pounds over whatever might have been a preliminary limitation. You secure the quadruped — give the man with the florid coun- tenance a glass of brandy — cold, to feed his nasal salamander — and like every man who has the conscious feeling that he has not played deaf adder when Wisdom was crying in the street, you part from your fat friend, and proceed on your way rejoicing. Timid equestrians are generally suspicious ; but in your transit from the repository to your own domicile a cheval, let no trifling occurrence shake your confidence in the daisy-cutter you IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 157 have so happily become possessor of. Does he shy ? Something no doubt, has aUirmed him ; and have you not been startled frequently your- self? Does he trip? That is an every-day accident to which horses and men are liable alike ; and recollect, that as he has four legs and you only two, he has a right to make two stumbles for your one. Does he fall ? The fault rests entirely with yourself: what have you a bridle for but to keep him on his pins ? Is he a whistler? IJow frequently have you whis- tled, and yet you are neither consumptive nor asthmatic? Shows he a mucous discharge at the nostrd ? Have you not been afflicted with cold in the head, and been obliged to have frequent recurrence to your pocket-handker- chief? Does he l)()lt into a gate-way or stable- lane? Have you never, on perceiving a gentle- man of the tribe of Levi with a prominent proboscis and a restless eye in the advance, cut round a corner or vanished in a by-lane? Does he refuse his oats ? After a night at the Cider Cellar have you not declined breakfast ? Does lie run away with you? That is an undoubted proof of high courage that wdl not brook re- striction. Does he demoliijh a donkey-cart of crockery in the performance of this last exploit ? 158 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, All you have to do is to stick close to the saddle, if you can, and long before the dealer in delf can recover his astonished senses, you will be in another parish and safe from pursuit. Do you ride over a biped ? What business had he to cross the street ? and if he has two or three bones dislocated, pray what are hospitals for but to re -unite them ? From equine and other casualties how many men have dated after-fortune and deduced their immortality? But for his canter on the callen- der's horse to Edmonton, would John Gilpin's memory have survived that of any haberdasher of his day ? With a snaffle in his hand, and a sufficiency of pig-skin to repose his person on, who could take all that was in a three-year-old out of him more skilfully than Sam ChifFney? and are his happiest turf efforts now remem- bered? No; they are swamped in the stream of time : while Mazeppa, a gentleman who ran the longest race on record without saddle, bridle, or a pull from the start to the close, is poetized by Byron, and may be seen at Astley's large as life. I knew an Irish gentleman who secured £20,000 by rescuing a lady, through the agency of his umbrella, from close imprisonment in Newman's gateway, where she had been driven IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 159 for slicltcr by a shower ; and another who, after three infelicitous seasons and an exhausted purse, wiis miraculously brought into prominent notice, by being carried at racing speed and a vicious mare into a confectioner's, — a feat that went the round of the papers, and was miraculously achieved without fracturing a jelly-glass. I am Hibernian in birth, parentage, educa- tion, and affections — and to my well-beloved countrymen, in the plenitude of past experience, I would extend very valuable advice. I never knew a large investment in the Three per Cents. secured by rolling down the hill in Greenwich Park, nor, on wooden piers, are ladies of fortune generally predominant. The safest course for a gentlenian about to marry, is to solicit, in limine, a letter of intnjduction to the lady's stock-broker — not that he can have a doubt touching the amount of assets stated, i)ut it is still pleasant to ascertain whether they are in Consols or Long Annuities. Caution should be observed in con- ducting Hymeneal transactions. The happhiess of a Cork gentleman, 1 knew well, was blighted by a West-end auctioneer, who seduced him into matrimonv with his daui(liter, and went into the Gazette the second week of the honey- moon, paying a composition to his creditors of 160 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, tvvo-pence-three-farthings in the pound. In the case of your being bold enough to grapple with a widow, a direct reference to Doctors Commons will be the only security you can have against the machinations and devices of a class of gen- tlewomen, reputed to be doubly dangerous. Ladies, liberally supplied with marriageable daughters, such as you encounter at every watering-place, must also be suspiciously re- garded. I would not commit matrimony on the strength of an Australian uncle with no family and the monetary reputation of half a plum, were the Australian even backed by a second cousin in the Spice Islands, a warm man in mace, nutmegs, and various peppers. The au- dacious pretences of people now-a-days passeth human understanding. Not long since I re- ceived a pressing invitation to winter with a young gentleman at his hunting-box in Leicester- shire — lent him, on the strength of a season's run, five pounds seventeen and sixpence in odd moneys — and within a fortnight learned that his rural retreat was not discoverable, but his town residence, for the next three months, was the Millbank Penitentiary. A Methodist preacher picked my pocket in an omnibus — and I was obliged, no later than last spring, to bind an IRISU IJFE PICTURES. ICl Irish gentleman in a recognizance to keep the peace, because I dechned joining him in a cog- novit to his tailor, and becoming security besides for four shillings and sixpence weekly to the parochial authorities, being the penal conse- quence on his part of broken vows. My own career is finished — I am dead to idle Hymeneal overtures — and no lady through the " Sunday Times" shall seduce me into the expenditure of a letter-stamp. Any matrimo- nial transaction must be conducted on business principles — and, whether virgin or bereaved, none need make an application unless her title- deeds accompany the tender of her hand, the former to be laid professionally before my solicitor. An ad valorem consideration, accord- ing to age specified, will be expected from elderly young ladies — and also an autlicnticated record of tlieir baptism. No gentlewoman under twenty-one will be treated with — and all state- ments respecting general amiability and affec- tionate disposition, will, upon detection, be committed to the fire. Harp accompHshments to me arc merely waste of paper — as, in my estimation, the manipulation of eatgut is of no consequence when compared with the construc- tion of a harriro — while even a remote acquaint- 162 ERIN-GO-BUAGH ; OR, tance with Latin and Greek, will be fatal to the applicant. Finally, should proposals be enter- tained, a personal inspection of the candidate will be a sine qua non. N.B. — Railroad securities and good expecta- tions are totally repudiated. Rehgion not objected to, except Juniper and Soulhcotian, A tender of character without cash will be but the idle expenditure of a postage stamp. No Irish need apply — and an affidavit from the applicant will be indispensable, declaring that she never danced " the Polka." IRlSn LIFE PICTURES. 163 LAST SCENES OE THE CONDEMNED- Thirty years have passed since I witnessed an execution for the first time ; and although the accidents attached to professional life have obliged me to see many a spirit pass "un- houssell'd, unannealed," but, as we piously trust, not " unforgiven," that sad scene of " law as- serted " will never be forgotten. Connaught, in my early days, enjoyed an unenviable notoriety : in connnon parlance, it was always associated with a place unknown to ears polite, but, accord- ing to general belief, remarkable for its pleasant society and high temperature. Carthage was, and so was Home; and in criminal statistics "the land of the west" has yielded to Munster so decidedly, that Jack Ketch declares the West- ern Circuit is merely waste of time for a pro- fessional gentleman — namely, himself — to visit ; and he feelingly obsei'ves, that instead of travel- 164 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, ling, as he did formerly, with post-horses, he is " obliged to settle himself on the side of one of Biancona's jaunting-cars, cheek-by-jowl w^ith English bagmen, cattle-dealers, parish-priests, and people of that sort." The criminal law in Ireland, at the period we recall, was mimercifuUy and indiscriminately administered ; the foulest murder and the ab- straction of a sheep being, as far as penal con- sequences went, in the eyes of justice alike offensive. We have in our own experience witnessed the anomalous metino- out of leo;al retribution, and than its visitations nothing could be so uncertain and eccentric. We have seen a man hanged who should have been once only, and lightly too, whipped at the market-place ; and we have heard of a London firm, which after trafficking for years by forgery, as was clearly ascertained, comfortably wind up with half a million, all concerned, during a long and felonious career, being estimated good and honourable men, eligible to the highest City honours, ay, and even to civic majesty — Heaven save the mark I Before we proceed, a declaration of our cri- minal creed may be desirable. We distinctly and emphatically protest that for felony, be the IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 1G5 peipctrators hi<^li or low, we are no apologists. Our code, probably, will be best understood by a straightforward confession, that we would hang a murderer, transport a highwayman, treadmill a thief, and — to borrow from our well-beloved brother. Master Jonathan, one of his expressive and gentlemanly phrases — coiu-hide a young regicide, the administration being mensal and for the period of a calendar year, so that pot-boys in general might be edified by the example. From circumstances, generally beyond our own control, we have been present when many cri- minals have paid the forfeiture that law demands, and the safety of society unfortunately, but im- peratively, requires — and we state, from personal experience, that frequent exhibitions of the last penalty which justice imposes upon crime, as far as example is supposed to go, become totally inoperative. The bad effect of these exhibitions we will practically establish, and jjrovc that the expur- gation of the code of England, from its excess of sanguinary enact mait, has abated and not in- creased serious crime. \\v recollect well, when for divers markct-davs after the iudire of assize, in the south and west of liclaiul, ha'l |);i!(l his half-yearly visit, his Majesty was uiiuus two or 166 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, three subjects, as the case might be. As the law then stood, burglars and highwaymen were favoured with " a long day."* Murderers being limited to forty-eight hours, and hence to throw in Sunday as a dies non, the delinquent was usually tried upon a Friday. I recollect seeing two rebels hanging in '98, having been carried by the nurse, in company with a score of spider-brushers, to witness the spectacle. What makes me recollect it is one of those youthful impressions which time can never obliterate. The artist was a black drummer, a man of herculean proportions, and his apparatus was the triangled spars used in the market-place to Aveigh agricultural produce in the morning, and, in the present case, put a rebel past praying for "in the afternoon," Probably the hanging might have passed en- tirely from young memory, had not another circumstance fixed it indelibly on childish re- collection. The nurse was pretty, and she had made a tender impression on the heart of a gallant highlander, who was servant to an officer, and, * Often do I recollect, when a boy, hearing the culprit, in reply to the common quare, " Why sentence of death," &c., make the response of, " A long day, my lord !" Execution sometimes being deferred for three weeks. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 167 with his master, a frequent visitor at tlie house. We, the nurse and I, were not early enough to witness the turn-off, but, unluckily, as it turned out, in good time to see the decapitation. Donald introduced the object of his affections and myself within the ring of bayonets which encompassed the deadly apparatus, and just at the moment when the unhappy men had been suspended a sufficient tiaie to warrant their decollation. The negro cut the ropes, the bodies fell heavily on the grass, and with a grin, the wretch pro- ceeded to complete his disgusting office. One operation was sufficient. I yelled, the nurse- maid fainted, how we made our exit I cannot guess, but as the heads were afterwards spiked upon a public building of the town, we had an opportunity, in our daily walks, to become per- fectly familiar with them. What building will the English reader fancy was selected to be thus ornamented ? The gables of the Assembly Room ! and w liilc, for many a month, these reHcs of humanity were streaming their matted hair in the night-breeze, divided only by the ceiling and the slates, and not a dozen feet below, half a hundred of the fair sex were executing that pleasant contre danse, intitulated " the wiiul that shakes the barley." 168 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, The effect of that brutal exhibition upon me, was one that years and a strong nervous tem- perament could only overcome ; while for the remainder of her life, my nurse never ventured to cross a lobby without a lighted candle. Cfr- cumstances, however, with me, abated early im- pressions — and the recollection of hemp and its concomitants had nearly subsided, when accident as strangely recalled them. We were then being indoctrinated in the polite literature dispensed in the Dublin University, and anno cBtatis 1 6, when a cousin of ours met us in the street, and asked us to breakfast with him next morning at Kilmainham, adding, as indacements, that there were a couple of men to be hanged. Country air, and new-laid eggs, and these united, being too seductive offers to be refused — of course we willingly consented. In Ireland, hanging was no novelty then, and few indeed, but regular amateurs, would take the trouble, or pay a sixpenny fare upon a bone- setter, to witness what they could see handier, by far, after every commission. I, however, accepted my kmsman's invitation — and admitted by a prison authority on giving my card, was shown directly to the execution room. " Gentlemen, breakfast is ready," said a gaol IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 1C9 attendant, and wc proceeded forthwith to the room appropriated to the office of the guard. " Don't hurry, we are not Hniited, as they are at Newgate ; any time before twelve does here. My curse upon that cook 1" and he turned a steak over, — " Hard as a deal board ! don't touch it, gentlemen, Ave'll have another in half a shake. Wc lay our own eggs here, aint they beauties," and, pointing to some half dozen, the scoundrel hurried out. " Good Heavens !" I exclaimed, " are these two wretches, in half-an-hour, going to tlieir final audit ?" " Ay, and that heartless vagabond is thinking only of steaks and eggs. I have had this duty twice, and for a week after am haunted by hemp and hangmen. 'Tis folly, we must conquer it." He raised the tea-cup, it scarcely touched the lips, when bang went the prison bell, as the sounded note of preparation. The delf was re- placed upon the table instantly. " It is weakness, womanly, but I cannot eat upon a hanging morning," said my kinsman with a shudder. Tlie morning meal was hurried over. Every half-minute-stroke upon the prison bell would have demolished the appetite of a cannibal. Pre- VOL. I. I 1 70 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, sently we were informed that tlie last sad scene of criminal life was about to be enacted, and as we entered a large and spacious room on the first floor of the building, the criminals appeared at the opposite door, each attended by a priest. Never were two malefactors in everything so dissimilar. The first who stepped across the threshold of the execution room was a remarkably fine young man, over six feet in height, and in bodily proportion, a study for a sculptor. His dress was neat — shirt, knee-breeches, and silk stockings, white — and at the elbows, wrists, knees, and ancles, relieved by crimson rosettes ; these, from their colour, we were told, being in- tended to intimate that he was innocent of the crime for which he was about to suffer. He wore neither coat nor waistcoat. Nothing could be more manly and collected than his bearing, and when he issued from the door-way he recognised us, the lookers-on, with a bow that was absolutely graceful. His demeanour was firm, but totally removed from anything like a display of vulgar bravado. After he had paid us a polite acknow- ledgment, he seemed for the brief space that intervened, we would call it some three mi- nutes, totally absorbed in religious duties, and listening, with breathless attention, to every HUSH LIFE PICTURES. 17 I syllable that issued from the lips of his spiritual director. His conipaiiiou in crime, a returned transport, was a mean, low-sized, pallid wretch, dressed in a frieze great coat — and, to all appearance, so thoroughly unnerved as to be insensible to the admonitory instructions of his confessor. He was supported by a turnkey, and all mental power appeared in him so entirely prostrated, that his brief passage from time to eternity seemed insen- sibly effected. The general economy of Irish gaols are — dare we to use the phrase — far more civilized than the metropolitan one of Newgate, so far as hanging goes. The offensive preparations, like murders in Greek tragedy, are completed out of sight. The ropes lead in, within tliey are adjusted, and the exhibition of the criminal on the drop, and the fall of the machinery, by which, as Thistle- wood remarked, the great secret of hereafter should be revealed, are things nearly instanta- neous. On this occasion, all had been mercifully pre-arranged to abridge a painful interval. The tall and handsome malefactor, a burglar, shook us individually by the hand, and bade us an eternal farewell, and then stepped upon the iron grating of the scaffold, placing his feet correctly 1 2 172 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, Oil the drop as the executioner directed. Stii pitied, and like a dreaming man, his com- panion was mechanically led out by a couple of the gaol functionaries. The authorities had humanely guarded against any want of pre- caution that should extend their sufferings. In less than half a minute, a spring within the walls was touched, the iron gratings parted, and before a minute had elapsed, suffering was over, and another, and we charitably trust, a better state of existence succeeded to that, in which vice cannot expect happiness, or virtue command it. It is due to ourselves to state, and we there- fore apprize and assure the reader, that our personal experience with the last penalties im- posed by outraged justice upon criminals, has arisen from accidental circumstances altogether. We have no morbid fancy for witnessing life extinguished — at best it is a sorry sight, — but, at the same time, we disclaim all maudling sympathy for a murderer, and with perfect in- difference we can read an account of his ex- ecution. While we consider, however, that he well deserves his doom, we should not have the slightest curiosity to view the parting agony of the wretched malefactor. We admit that the atrocity of the crime robs the criminal of our IRISH LIFE PICTURKS. 173 pity; wliilc, ill onr opinion, liis removal from tlie stage of life confers a benefit on society. The safety of the body politic demands the sacrifice, and by every ordonnance, human and divine, blood must be atoned by blood. In human character the distinctions are not more numerous and minute than those which aggravate and extenuate criminal ofFendings. One sad scene at which we were obliged ])ro- fessionally to be present, would suflice to j)oint what we emphatically contend for, — that there exist, and arc easily traceable, multitudinous gradations in the scale of criminality. iSIany years ago the assize-town of a western county was " disturbed from its pro})riety," by the harrowing exhibition of six unhappy male- factors undergoing the extreme penalty the law exacts for murder. Of the actual guilt of all no shadow of doubt existed ; for all, save one, had freely admitted the perpetration of tiiat crime which is considered beyond the reach ot mercy. Being within the circle of the military cordon which surrounded the place of execution — a rouglily-constructed a[)paratus, formed of some scaffohHng-poles crossed horizontally by a spar, — I witnessed with attention the bearing of tiie 174 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, criminals. They suffered in two divisions, — and, by a strange accident, their offences were all of the same character, and " most foul and most unnatural," — namely, the murders of an uncle, a husband, and a child. In Connaught, any common- place expiatory sacrifice to offended justice will collect a crowd, — and many will come from an amazing distance to witness the execution of any common-place criminal; but for morbid tastes there was so much to attract the admirers of disgusting exhibitions, that hours before the wretched beings were conducted from their cells, the fair-green — the scene of death — was crowded to excess. It was, in ordinary cases, customary to await the arrival of the mail-coach (one o'clock), that the chance of a respite from the Castle might be given to the doomed ones, — no matter how des- perate that hope might be ; but on this, — a memorable day to us, and one that will never fade from our recollection, the guilt of all had been so fully admitted or established, that it was considered mercy to the convicts to abridge the interval usually permitted to elapse between time and eternity ; and, as the court-house bell struck twelve, one moiety of the criminals issued from the gaol gate, attended by a turnkey and a priest, IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 175 and entered the military circle which hedged in the scaffold with their bayonets. The criminals, three in number, were brothers, and remarkable for symmetrical proportions, and countenances in which Lavater himself — were he in the flesh, would have vainly looked for the lineal mark of truculence. Three finer peasants I never saw ; and Captain O'Mahony, — whose " ancient" I was at the time, — looking at all men and things with a professional eye, whispered in my car, — " Holy Mary ! is'nt it regular murder to hang them ? The shortest six feet one. AVhat a shoulder for a grenade! and under the waistband no chairman's calves, — no green upon the ancle, — all, from hip to heel, straight as a halbcrt, and clean as a whistle. Oh ! murder ! if, instead of cutting an old fool's throat, they had only turned into the barrack gate and borrowed from the sergeant of the guard a shilling !"* Their crime was beyond apology, and yet, bad as it was, it had something to plead in mitiga- ti(Mi. The story of the offence will best tell it. The name of the unfortunate men was Philips. The eldest was scarcely twenty-four, the youngest • The form of enlisting a recruit is accompanied by giving him a slxiiliug. 176 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, but nineteen. To use Connanglit parlance, they had gone two years before to England " to push their fortune." In Manchester they had obtained employment, and their conduct had been indus- trious, sober, in every respect so exemplary, as to surmount with their employers those prejudices which the rascally portion of the low Irish annu- ally create by their brutality and dissipated habits. Unhappily for these young men, they had an uncle far advanced in life, who, by miserly habits and lending money on gompeeine* acquired the reputation of being wealthy. All monetary mat- ters depend on social position. A Jew stock- dealer is reckoned comfortable with half a million, — the proprietor of a Connaught fodeeine* with half a hundred. Old Philips, the uncle, was re- puted wealthy, every pound he really possessed being exaggerated to ten. His brother's family were, of course, his natural and reputed heirs. What men wish they will believe ; and to that general ride the Philips proved no exception, and built firmly upon succeeding to his property on * Qompeeine, in Irish parlance, means a consideration for trifling sums lent by village money-dealers, at enormous interest, and for short terms. f Fodeeine, a paltry property in laud. 'iRISII LIFE PICTURES. 177 tlie usurer's death. There is a vulgar truism, that the veriest fool in existence is an old one ; and the calamitous history of the Philips' family would go far to confirm the truth of the adage. Close on his eightieth year, the drivelling money- lender fancied that he would marry a peasant- girl of some beauty and only aged seventeen. Her poverty, we presume, and not her will con- sented, and the intended marriage — an event de- ferred until after Lent * — was bruited over the baronv from east to west. A simpler tale than the murder of the old usurer, and the family destruction that deed of blood afterwards involved, was never told. The father of the unhappy men who suffered on the occasion I have alluded to, had apprized his sons of their uncle's intentions ; and, as it was gene- rally and, we fear, too truly believed, counselled and encouraged them to repair at once to Ireland, and, more Hihernico, forbid the banns by — mui- der. Too readily the unfortunate young men obeyed their parent's mandate, and in an evil hour set out on the bloody mission. It is said that they had not only secured the good opinions of their employers, but saved a little money, and * In Ireland, marriages are generally postponed until Lent has ended. I 3 178 IRIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, that they had opened for themselves by good coDduct a path to honest independence. They kept their fatal resolution, — reached their native village, — when in three days afterwards the usurer's marriage was to take place. Poor drivel- ling wretch ! The miserable man was found cold in bed next morning, a black and distorted face indicating that life had been extinguished by strangulation. It would be tedious to detail the chain of cir- cumstantial evidence which led to a conviction, and one whose justice the confessions of the murderers freely and fully acknowledged. It is curious that human vanity in the hour of death is often so powerfully marked as it is. The soldier leads a forlorn hope, — mounts to " th' imminent deadly breach," — feels that, so far as human chances go, his doom is sealed, — but, all un- moved, considers present death but a slight equi- valent for posthumous fame, and dies accordingly to earn it. What stimulates the Polar voyager to undergo privations not to be described — hard- ships not imaginable — dangers beyond calcula- tion ? No matter what the circumstances of life may be, in all human action vanity may be trace- able — ay, whether it lie in an artiste's pirouette or the charity-sermon of a fashionable preacher. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 179 The guillotine was mounted with a mot previously and considerately prepared. The highwayman, in transitu to Tyburn, was always remarkable for the freshness of his bouquet, the purity of his cambric, and the profundity of the parting bow to a recognised acquaintance, that, in the opinion of Baron Nathan, would, leaving larceny or mur- der out, entitle him to immortality. Anne Boleyn paid a compliment to her neck, while she pre- ;erred a prayer to heaven for the stout gentleman who rivalled Bluebeard in his simple and short process of deUverance e vinculo matrimonii. Thistlewood's parting remark is not forgotten — he died an atheist. Emraett met his fate with fortitude and decency, but professed his unbelief in a futurity. Campbell, on the contrary, united the soldier with the Christian, and commanded the sympathy of all, save the heartless judge and crazy king who sent him to the scaffold. I have looked on when many went to the short and final reckoning the law demands from those who have grossly violated its provisions, and I never saw any that met death with more decent and becom- ing fortitude than the unhappy young men who, on the fair green of Castlebar, made atonement for a cruel and unnatural uuirdcr. In a few minutes all sutfcriui' was over, and 180 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, after the time elapsed whicli custom requires, the bodies were lowered, stretched under the scaf- folding, and covered decently with a cloth. The drama of death was, however, but half enacted, for the law had three other victims waiting to undergo a similar fate. In point of criminal atrocity, probably, the wretches now about to suffer were, in the shading of. dehnquency, more deeply marked than the guilty men who had preceded them. There might be pleaded for the unhappy bro- thers whose mortal history had just closed, that, labouring under an imaginary wrong, they had violated every law, human and divine, to avenge the disappointed hopes which for years had been cherished ; and that, by exciting circumstances, joined to a father's felonious counsellings, they had been hurried to commit an act, from which, had reflection been permitted, they might have recoiled. To them, the miser's paltry wealth was important as a ducal coronet to the heir- expectant. Their father had excited his chil- dren's feelings with all the asperity with which old age will dwell upon a grievance. The well known defect in Irish character is precipitation, and before the causes were considered, the tra- gedy was completed. IRISH LIFE PICTURES. ISl The living criminals who, before the next quarter chimed, were to be added to those who had been, now issued from the prison. Crime is enhanced by circumstances ; and of the doomed murderers, two were women ! The first who entered the miUtnrj cordon, was a dark, ordinary, and most repulsive-looking girl. She appeared scarcely seventeen. Her crime was child-murder. She seemed stupified; lis- tened to the priest with apparent indifference; her glassy eye ranging in rapid glance from the glitter of the military appointments of the sur- rounding soldiers, to the cross beam and ropes by which youthful guilt would speedily be obliged to pay an awful penalty. Her crime and her appearance, however, seemed to attract but secondary notice, for every eye was turned, and with intense curiosity, on the uidiappy pair that followed. An artist's sketch of these criminals might, in all probability, be considered overdrawn, and his vraisenihlance, it would be said, had vielded to his fancy, for never were a sinful [)air so totally dissimilar. The woman was remaikai)ly handsome — the man the veriest wretch that ever plied a needle — and yet on him — that thing "of shreds and patches" — through some infernal 182 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, impulse, the wretched woman had lavished her whole affections. By the concurrent testimony of every witness, the murdered man was de- scribed a good-looking and athletic peasant ; and, could the atrocious character of the woman's crime be more enhanced, he was kindly and affectionate, while his wife's temper, natur- ally violent, was launched upon him without restraint ; and as often, and under strong provo- cation, he pronounced a ready pardon for her offences. His forbearance was unfortunate. In peasant life, from a less forgiving partner, she would have received coarse intimations, which, probably, to one like her, might have eventually saved him from a violent, and her from a dis- graceful, death. In the far west, and in vulgar belief, there is an influence that exercises a magic power over human affections, and when strange and unac- countable partialities are exhibited — when six- teen weds sixty, or any other monstrous depar- ture from natural laws takes place, these devia- tions from conventional usages are ascribed to what is called grammary. In remote parts of Ireland, a tailor, like a dancing-master, is migratory ; and whether they operate with thread or cat-gut, these artistes set IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 183 up their household gods in the house where they are located, whether engaged in fabricating a coat for the owner, or in giving the last polish to the young ladies, on entering a room with grace, or dancing " Planxty iMacguire" after- wards. In his vocation, the miserable caitiff, who now approached the place of punishment by the side of his wretched associate, had often received hospitality from his victim, frequently called at his cabin, and obtained supper, a bed, and a cead fealteagh* Without discussion, we will say in Goldsmith's words, that " a lovelier woman never stooped to folly," than the fair criminal, or a more wretched apology for crime ever was arraigned for, and convicted of, felony, than her blackguard-looking paramour. Could crime have been forgotten, I could have felt every sympathy for the fair offender, and had no finisher of the law been procurable, I would have volunteered the task of affixing St. Antony's tippet to the neck of one of the foulest and the most cowardly scoundrels that ever "garnished a gallows." We are conversant with beauty, and have worshipped at its shrine, and in every land on which the glorious sun pours his exuberant torrent of red light, or gives his * A hearty welcome. 184 ERIN-G0-15RAGH ; OR, niggard contribution, and tlian that guilty woman, a lovelier specimen we never looked upon. We almost recoil from tlie detail. God of mercy ! animal ferocity is pardonable, but can any apology be made for man's ? It is probably one of the saddest episodes on criminal record, and we will briefly detail it. Late on a market evening, the felon tailor stopped at the cottage whose hospitality he had often shared and as often violated. The guilty woman received him with open arms. The hus- band was absent, but supper was immediately prepared. Successful guilt frequently induces false confidence, and, although deep suspicions were entertained by all around that an adul- terous intercourse existed, he, the injured man, had never harboured a suspicion touching the chastity of an unworthy wife. The circumstances which hurried the catastro- phe were singular. That day at the market, and while drinking in a public-house, he, the husband, for the first time was taunted with what had been for months evident to all, but hidden from him whose domestic surveillance should have been lynx-eyed. Of that order which " Dotes, yet doubts — suspects, but foudly loves," IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 185 he felt tlie astounding stroke this discovery had inflicted. To the mad remedy an Irishman resorts to he, fated wretch ! apphed, and, half- intoxicated, he returned to his now wretched domicile. The night was wild when, inflamed by ardent spirits and burning under a passion never known before, the injured peasant hurried across the moor in which his cabin stood. Through the gloom a light glimmered through the window — alas ! ignis fatuus-like, it liu'ed him to destruction. He approached unheard — he looked through the casement. There, and comfortably at supper, sate the treacherous wife and the wretch who had dishonoured him. On the moment some display of endearment passed between the guilty pair. The insulted man rushed in — struck the scoundrel to the floor — and then evicted him from the cabin. The singular influence his wife possessed over the doomed man was evidenced soon. She calmed the storm of jealousy — lavished false kisses on his lips — urged him to go to bed — and made him swallow some whiskey that her paramoiu' had brouglit. Fatigue, strong li(|Uor, and the caresses of a faithless woman did tlie rest. He went to sleep — a sleep from which " he knew no waking." 186 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, Calculating, from the inclemency of the night, that the ejected paramour was skulking near, when his deep breathing told her that her husband was asleep, the erring wife opened the door softly, and, as she expected, found the object of her search sheltering himself in an outhouse from the rain. Brief was the guilty deliberation — the sleeper must awake no more — and with murderous intent the adulterous couple re-entered the kitchen silently. The horrid woman armed her paramour with a heavy axe, used in that country for splitting bog-wood. They softly approached the bed — she held the candle to direct the blow — he struck it — no second one was required — the murder was com- plete. Let not the sceptic dare to say tbat the eye of Providence ever sleepeth. Lonely and isolated in wild moorland, not once, perhaps, in a twelve- month was a knock heard at the door of that secluded cottage. A minute had scarcely passed after the murderous pair had determined on the deed of death, until a belated herd, attracted by the light beaming from the lattice, hurried thither to seek shelter from the storm. He, by a natural curiosity, peeped through the window — and at the instant the felon blow was struck ! IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 187 Horrified, he crossed the moorland Uke a deer — aLirmed a village but a mile off — and while the guilty pair were deliberating how the body could be best bestowed, the cottage door was suddenly burst open — and within, deep, damning proofs were overwhelming. Before the next sun set, the wretched pair were immured within a prison's gates — before the next moon waned, they were extended side by side on the anatomi- cal table of the county hospital. 188 EEIN-GO-BRAGH; OR, TERENCE O'SHAUGHNESSY'S FIRST ATTEMPT TO GET MARRIED. Yes — ^here I am, Terence O'Shaughnessy, an honest major of foot, five feet eleven and a half, and forty-one, if I only hve till Michaelmas. Kicked upon the world before the down had blackened on my chin, Fortune and I have been wrestling from the cradle ; — and yet I had little to tempt the jade's malevolence. The youngest son of an excellent gentleman, who, with an ill- paid rental of twelve hundred pounds, kept his wife in Bath, and his hounds in Tipperary, my patrimony would have scarcely purchased tools for a highwayman, when in my tenth year my father's sister sent for me to Roundwood ; for, hearing that I was regularly going to the devil, she had determined to redeem me, if she could. My aunt Honor was the widow of a captain of dragoons, who got his quietus in the Low Coun- IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 189 tries some years before I saw the liglit. His relict had, in compUment to the memory of her departed lord, eschewed matrimony, and, like a Christian woman, devoted her few and evil days to cards and religion. She was a true specimen of an Irish dowager. Her means were small, her temper short. She was stiflp as a ramrod, and proud as a field-marshal. To her, my education and future settlement in life were entirely con- fided, as one brief month deprived me of both parents. My mother died in a state of insol- vency, greatly regretted by everybody in Bath to whom she was indebted ; and before her discon- solate husband had time to overlook a moiety of the card claims transmitted for his liquidation, he broke his neck in attempting to leap the pound- wall of Oranmore, for a bet of a rump and dozen. Of course he was waked, and buried like a gen- tleman, — everything sold off by the creditors — my brothers sent to school — and I left to the tender mercy and sole management of the widow of Captain O'Fiim. My aunt's guardianship continued seven years, and at the expiration of that time I was weary of her thrall, and she tired of my tutelage. I was now at an age when some walk of life unist be selected and pursued. Tor any honest avocation 190 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, I had, as it was universally admitted, neither abilities nor inclination. What was to be done? and how was I to be disposed of? A short de- liberation showed that there was but one path for me to follow, and I was handed over to that re- fugium peccatorum, the army, and placed as a volunteer in a regiment just raised, with a pro- mise from the colonel that I should be promoted to the first ensigncy that became vacant. Great was our mutual joy when Mrs. OTinn and I were about to part company. I took an affectionate leave of all my kindred and acquaint- ances, and even, in the fulness of my heart, shook bands with the schoolmaster, though in boyhood I had devoted him to the infernal gods for his wanton barbarity. But my tenderest parting was reserved for my next-door neighbour, the belle among the village beauties, and presump- tive heiress to the virtues and estates of Quarter- master Mac Gawly. Biddy Mac Gawly was a year younger than myself; and, to do her justice, a picture of health and comeliness. Lord ! what an eye she had ! — and her leg ! nothing but the gout would pre- vent a man from following it to the very end of Oxford Street. Biddy and I were next neigh- bours — our houses joined — the gardens were only IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 191 separated by a low hedge, and by standing on an inverted flou'er-pot one could accomplish a kiss across it easily. There was no harm in the thing — it was merely for the fun of trying an experiment — and when a geranium was damaged, we left the blame upon the cats. Although there was a visiting acquaintance between the retired quarter-master and the relict of the defunct dragoon, never had any cordiality existed between the houses. My aunt O'Finn was as lofty in all things appertaining to her consequence, as if she had been the widow of a common-councilman ; and Roger Mac Gawly, having scraped together a good round sum, by the means quarter-masters have made money since the days of Julius Caesar, was not inclined to admit any inferiority on his part. Mrs. O'Finn could never imagine that any circumstances could remove the barrier in dignity which stood be- tween the non-commissioned officer and the cap- tain. While arguing on the saw, that " a living ass is better than a dead lion," Roger contended that he was as good a man as Captain O'Finn ; he, Roger, being alive and merry in the town of Ballinamore, while the departed commander had i)ccn laid under a " counterpane of daisies" in some counterscarp in the Low Countries. Ridily 192 ERIN-GO-BUAGH ; OR, and I laughed at the feuds of our superiors ; and on the evening of a desperate blow-up, we met at sunset in the garden— agreed that the old people were fools — and resolved that nothing should interrupt our friendly relations. Of course the treaty was ratified with a kiss, for I recollect that next morning the cats were heavily censured for capsizing a box of mignonette. No wonder then that I parted from Biddy with regret. 1 sat wdth her till we heard the quarter- master scrape his feet at the hall-door on his return from his club, and kissing poor Biddy ten- derly, as Roger entered by the front, I levanted by the back-door. I fancied myself desperately in love, and was actually dreaming of my dulcinea, when my aunt's maid called me before day, to prepare for the stage-coach that was to convey me to my regiment in Dublin. In a few weeks an ensigncy dropped in, and I got it. Time slipped insensibly away — months became years — and three passed before I revisited Ballinamore. I heard, at stated periods, from Mrs. OTinn. The letters were generally a detail of bad luck or bad health. For the last quarter she had never marked honours — or for the last week closed an eye with rheumatism and lum- bago. Still, as these jeremiades covered my small IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 193 allowance, they were Avelcome as a lover's billet. Of course, in these despatches the neighbours were duly mentioned, and every calamity occur- ring since her "last" was faithfully chronicled. The IVtac Gawlys held a conspicuous place in my aunt's quarterly notices, Biddy had got a new gown — or Biddy had got a new piano — but since the dragoons had come to town there was no bearinor her. Youno; Hastinsrs was never out of the house — she hoped it would end well — but everybody knew a light dragoon could have little respect for the daughter of a quarter-master ; and Mrs. O'Finn ended her observations by hinting that if Boger went seldomer to his club, and Biddy more frequently to mass, why probably in the end it would be better for both of them. I re-entered the well-remembered street of Ballinamore late in the evening, after an absence of three years. My aunt was on a visit, and she had taken that as a convenient season for having her domicile newly painted. I halted at the inn, and after dinner strolled over the way to visit my quondam acquaintances, the Mac Gawlys. If I had intended a surprise, my design would have been a failure. The quarter-master's es- tablishment were on the qui vive. The fact was, that since the removal of the dragoons, Ballina- VOL. I. K 194 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, more had been dull as ditch-water; the arrival of a stranger in a post-chaise of course had created a sensation in the place, and, before the driver had unharnessed, the return of Lieutenant O'Shaughnessy was regularly gazetted, and the Mac Gawlys, in anticipation of a visit, w^ere ready to receive me. I knocked at the door, and a servant with a beefsteak cohar opened it. Had Roger mounted a livery ? Ay — faith — there it was ; and I began to recollect that my aunt OTinn had omened badly from the first moment a squadron of the 13th lights had entered Ballinamore. I found Roger in the hall. He shook my hand, swore it was an agreeable surprise, ushered me into the dining-room, and called for hot water and tumblers. We sat down. Deeply did he interest himself in all that had befallen me — deeply regret the absence of my honoured aunt — but I must not stay at the inn, I should be his guest ; and, to my astonishment, it was announced that the gentleman in the red collar had been already despatched to transport my luggage to the house. Excuses were idle. Roger's domicile was to be head-quarters ; and when I remembered my old flame, Biddy, I concluded that I might for the short time I had to stay be IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 195 in a less agreeable establislimeiit than the honest qnarter-ni aster's. I was mortified to hear that Biddy had been indisposed. It was a bad cold, she had not been out for a month ; but she would muffle herself, and meet me in the drawing-room. This, too, was unluckily a night of great importance in the club. The new curate was to be balloted for ; Roger had proposed him; and, ergo, Roger, as a true man, was bound to be present at the ceremony. The thing was readily arranged. We finished a second tumbler, the quarter-master be- took himself to the King's Arms, and the lieutenant, meaning myself, to the drawing-room of my old inamorata. There was a visible change in Roger's domicile. The house was newly papered ; and, leaving the livery aside, there was a great increase of gentility throughout the whole estabhshment. Instead of l)Ounding to the presence by three stairs at a time, as I used to do in lang syne, I was cere- moniously paraded to the lady's chamber by him of the beefsteak collar; and there, reclining lan- guidly on a sofa, and wrapped in a voluminous shawl, Biddy ]\Iac Gawly held out her hand to welcome her old confederate. " My darling Biddy !"— " My dear Terence !" K 2 196 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, and the usual preliminaries were got over. I looked at my old flarae-r-she vf as greatly changed, and three years had wrought a marvellous al- teration. I left her a sprightly girl— she was now a woman — and decidedly a very pretty one ; although the rosiness of seventeen was gone, and a delicacy that almost indicated bad health had succeeded ; " but," thought I, " it's all owing to the cold." There was a guarded propriety in Biddy's bearing, that appeared almost unnatural. The warm advances of old friendship were repressed ; and one who had mounted a flower- pot to kiss me across a hedge, recoiled from any exhibition of our former tenderness. Well, it was all as it should be. Then I was a boy, and now a man. Young women cannot be too particular, and Biddy Mac Gawly rose higher in my estimation. Biddy was stouter than she promised to be, when we parted, but the eye was as dark and lustrous, and the ankle as taper as when it last had demolished a geranium. GraduaUy her reserve abated ; old feelings removed a con- strained formality — we laughed and talked — ay — and kissed as we had done formerly; and when the old quarter-master's latch-key was heard unclosing the street-door, I found myself IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 197 admitting in confidence and a whisper, that " I would marry if I could." What reply Biddy would have returned, I cannot tell, for Roger summoned me to the parlour ; and as her cold prevented her from venturing down, she bade me an affectionate good-night. Of course she kissed me at parting — and it was done as ardently and innocently as if the hawthorn hedge divided us. Roger had left his companions earlier than he usually did, in order to honour me, his guest. The new butler paraded oysters, and down we sat tete-a-tete. When supper was removed, and each had fabricated a red-hot tumbler from the tea-kettle, the quarter-master stretched his long legs across the hearth-rug, and with great ap- parent solicitude inquired into all that had befallen me since I had assumed the shoulder- knot and taken to the trade of war. "Humph!" — he observed — "two steps in three years ; not bad, considering there was neither money nor interest. D — it ! I often wish that Biddy was a boy. Never was such a time to purchase on. More regiments to be raised, and promotion will be at a discount. Sir Hugh Haughton married a stockbroker's widow with half a \)\\im, and paid in the two thousand I 198 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR, had lent him. Zounds ! if Biddy were a boy, and that money well applied, 1 would have her a regiment in a twelvemonth." " Phew !" I thought to myself, " I see what the old fellow is driving at." " There never would be such another op- })ortunity," Roger continued. " An increased force will produce an increased difficulty in eflPecting it. Men will be worth their own weight in money ; and d — me, a fellow who could raise a few, might have anything he asked for," I remarked that, mth some influence and a good round sum, recruits might still be found. "Ay, easy enough, and not much money either, if one knew how to go about the thing. Get two or three smart chaps ; let them watch fairs and patterns, mind their hits when the bumpkins got drunk, and find out when fellows were hiding from a warrant. D — me, I would raise a hundred, while you would say Jack Robison. Pay a friendly magistrate ; attest the scoundrels before they were sober enough to cry off, bundle them to the regiment next morning ; and if a rascal ran away after the commanding officer passed a receipt for him, why all the better, for you could relist him when he came home again." IRISH LIFE PICTURKS. 193 I listened attentively, though in all this the cloven foot appeared. The whole was the plan of a crimp ; and, if Roger was not belied, trafficking in " food for powder" had realised more of his wealth than slop-shoes and short measure. During the development of his project for pro- motion, the quarter-master and I had fovuid it necessary to replenish frequently, and with the third tumbler Roger came nearer to business. " Often thought it a pity, and often said so in the club, that a fine smashing fellow like you, Terence, had not the stuff to push you on. What the devil signifies family, and blood, and all that balderdash ? There's your aunt, worthy woman ; but sky-high about a dead captain. D — me, all folly. Were I a young man, I'd get hold of some girl with the wherewithal, and I would double- distance half the highfliers for a colonelcy." This was pretty significant — Roger had come to tlie scratch, and there was no mistaking him. We separated for tlie night. I dreamed, and in fancy was blessed with a wife, and honoured with a comiuand. Nothins; could be more entrancin