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Xonaon PabUaiea. "by Biaiari Bea-Qey, If 59.
ERIN-GO-BRAGH;
OR,
IRISH LIFE PICTURES.
BY
W. H. MAXWELL,
AUTHOR OF " STORIES OF WATERLOO," " WILD SPORTS OF THE
WEST," " THE BIVOUAC," &C.
IN TWO VOLUMES.
VOL. L
LONDON:
RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET.
3859.
LONDON :
Printed by A. Schulze, 13, Poland Street.
p
1/ 1
ADVERTISEMENT.
The following Stories and Sketches first ap-
peared in a popular Periodical, and complete
the Series of Tales, grave and gay, of this fa-
vourite writer, who in the peculiar and fasci-
nating character of his genius, resembles the
memorable Ballads of his own native land.
The ' Stories Waterloo' and other ec{ually
popular Tales of this rarely gifted writer, are
acknowledged to rank among the most attractive
modern works of fiction.
London,
September 22, 1859.
CONTENTS
OP
THE FIRST VOLUME.
Page
Biographical Sketch of the Author. By Dr. Maginn, with
a Portrait. . vii
Frank Hamilton ; or, the Confessions of an only Son. . 1
An Incursion into Connemara, with an Account of a Travel-
ler who survived it 53
Albert Murdock 80
Dionysius O'Dogherty, Esq., with a few Extracts from
his Diary 103
A short Biography of a Gentleman from Ireland. . . 134
Last Scenes of the Condemned. 163
Terence O'Shaughnessy's first attempt to get married. . 188
Robert Emmett and Ai'thur Aylmcr ; or, Dublin in 1803 . 222
Richard RalFerty ; or, the Irish Fortune-Huuter. . .285
Adventures of a Freshman Fifty Years ago. . . . 332
The Forest Ride of a West India Planter. . .351
BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH
OF
WILLIAM HAMILTON MAXWELL.
BY DR. MAGINN.
Prefixed to this work, good reader, you will
behold the comely countenance of the author of
the Stories of Waterloo, and many other polemical
works of the same school. If not exactly painted
con amore, it is nevertheless drawn by Lover,
which is a tolerable guarantee for its excellence
in every respect ; and yet we do not think
due justice done to the facial appearance of
William Hamilton INIaxwell.
But Lover will exclaim, " How is it to
be expected that my brush or Greatbach's burin
should impress upon paper or canvas that
face ?" Tom Moore has somewhere said that
Sheridan's genius resembled a peacock's tail,
which compliment wc imagine would have tickled
the risible faculties of that red-beaked senator and
VUl BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF
dramatist. But we suppose tliat Tom, of whom
we speak in the highest honour, intended to say
that in variety of brilliant colouring, and ever-
changing diversity of beautiful tint, Sheridan's
talent was deserving of being compared to one of
the finest, gayest, grandest, and most graceful
things in nature. Now, if Sheridan's mind was
like a peacock's tail, and therefore hard to be de-
picted in a stationary drawing, how can it be ex-
pected that Maxwell's face, which is in no particu-
lar like a peacock's tail, but something far more
splendid, is to be caught simpered and simmered
down into one standing position? " Sir," continues
Lover, for it is he who has been speaking all this
time, though we have made a sort of jumble of
ourselves with his oration, — " Sir, I tell you that
Maxwell has fifty faces, all of them indicative of
genius, frolic, wit, fun, knowledge of the world,
good-nature, and good-humour ; and as for his
nose, why to quote Tom Moore once again,
' Rich and rare are the gems it wears ;' —
gems, no doubt, purchased at a price which
would have bought up any brilliant in the world
short of the Pitt diamond."
He is of soldier-romance-mongers the first.
Mind, we are not going to disparage Gleig of the
' Subaltern,' Hamilton of ' Cyril Thornton,' or any
WILLIAM HAMILTON MAXWELL. IX
of the otlier gentlemen who have turned the sword
not into a ploughshare, but into as hard-working
an instrument — a pen ; but among rollicking
describers of fights, campaigns, sieges, carousings,
riotings, love-makings, and all other matters con-
nected with the pride, pomp, and circumstance
of glorious war, he decidedly bears off the bell.
He does not venture at long set stories, decked
out and arrayed into all the full three-volumed
dignity of a novel : — no, he tiings off his tales as
if they were so many tumblers of punch, hot and
strong, pleasant and heart-cheering, hastily mixed,
and as hastily disposed of. It needs no particular
power of critical discernment to discover that
Maxwell's acquaintance with the scenes which
he describes is anything but theoretical. In fact,
though now a man of peace, he was once a man
of war, — a jolly grenadier in the Eighty-eighth,
standing some six feet two, and coming in for a
slice at the close of the Peninsular campaigns,
and taking his share at the battle of Waterloo.
But when the melancholy days of disbanding
came, and fun had departed out of the world,
When the army was gouc, and llic navy adrift,
And the sailor paid off, and the soldier bereft;
When half-pay to the captain poor cheor did afford.
And the Duke was no more than a Government lord,
X BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF
as a brother Coniiauglit Ranger sings, then
adopting Sir Walter Raleigh's motto, Tam Marti,
quam Mercurio, fincUng that Mars was gone, he
applied himself to the god of eloquence and per-
suasion, turned his military cloak into a surplice,
gave up the charges of the Duke of Wellington
for those of the Archbishop of Tuam, abandoned
the Articles of War for the Articles of the Church,
and, unwilling to leave the service altogether,
took to the service of the Liturgy. He then be-
came Prebendary of Balha, — still a see among
the canons — in Tuam. That he waged war upon
the devil and all his angels, most theologically,
we doubt not ; but here we are recording
him only as an author upon more mundane sub-
jects. The war (we need not say what war, for
this generation, and many more, will pass over
before another war will turn up to put down that
which ended at AVaterloo, from its post of being
the War par excellence) and Ireland are his
own.
Maxwell, in his sketches ofthe gentleman class
of Ireland in their hours of relaxation, and in
their own wild, untameable, and somewhat
ferocious jollity, or violence, being of them, in
blood and bone, he and his people before him
for many a long day, — is quite at home, — not
AVILLIAM HAMILTON MAXWELL. XI
only with his ow^n Wihl Sportsman of the West,
but with all that horsewhip-hanclling, trigger-
pulling, lady -killing, claret- drinking, steeple-
chasing, hot-headed, puzzle-pated, tumultuous
race of gentlemen, who, issuing from " Ould
Thrinity," led a noisy reckless life, fearing no-
body but a dun or a sheriflp's officer, eternally in
debt or drink, or duelhng, or all three together ;
usually highly bred and weW travelled, almost
always generous, though seldom just, unques-
tionably brave, (at least it would not have been
particularly safe to question it,) taking no wrong,
and giving very little right; governed by the
most curious, and the most curiously extended,
code of honour ever devised, and covering a mul-
titude of sins by everlasting good-humour and —
a pistol. These noble specimens of mankind
are, alas ! fast passing away before the baleful
effects of civilisation, rail-roads, steam-boats, and
the schoolmaster abroad, — as much, we suppose,
to the distaste of Maxwell, as of the late Sir
Jonah Barrington. As it is fit, then, that some
record of them should remain, none can supply
it better than the soldier-scholar, gentleman of
blood, and Irishman of birth.
But it w^ould be unjust if we were to confine
his praises to mere jocular or romantic writing. In
XU BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH.
his 'Victories of the British Armies/ he dis-
covered a mind replete with stores of ample infor-
mation on almost all subjects, long trains of well
considered reflections, high and honourable feel-
ings, generosity to conquered enemies, and proud
patriotism in recounting the gallant deeds of
conquering friends. And his ' Life of the Duke of
Wellington ' is a book worthy of its hero.
Remains it only to mention, that Maxwell was
a fine, dashing-looking, long, well-knit fellow,
whose age was, at the time Lover sketched his
portrait, about that of his national game, i. e.
five-and-forty.
Besides the works already alluded to, Mr.
Maxwell was the author of the following popular
productions, ' My Life,' ' The Bivouac,' ' Hector
O'Halloran,' 'Brian O'Linn,' 'Hill Side and
Border Sketches,' and the ' Irish Life Pictm^es,'
now presented in a collected form to the public.
This diverting and able writer died at Mussel-
burgh, near Edinburgh, December 29, 1850, in
his sixty-second year.
ERIN-GO-BEAGH.
FRANK HAMILTON;
OR,
THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ONLY SON.
CHAPTER I.
"mal. 'Tis but fortune ; all is fortune."
TWELFTH NIGHT.
I AM by birth an Irishman, and descended
from an ancient family. I lay no claim to any
connexion with Brian Boru, or Malichi of the
crown of gold, a gentleman who, notvvitli-
standing the poetical authority of Tom Moore,
we have some reason to believe durin"; his lone:
and illustrious reign was never master of a
crown sterling. My ancestor was Colonel
Hamilton, as stout a Cromwellian as ever led a
VOL. I. 11
2 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OH,
squadron of Noll's Ironsides to a charge. If
my education was not of the first order, it was
for no lack of instructors. My father, a half-
pay dragoon, had me on the pig-skin before my
legs were long enough to reach the saddle-skirt ;
the keeper, in proper time, taught me to shoot :
a retired gentleman, olim, of the Welsh fusileers,
witli a single leg and sixty pounds per annum,
paid quarterly by Greenwood and Cox, indoc-
trinated me in the mystery of tying a fly, and
casting the same correctly. The curate — the
least successful of the lot, poor man, did his
best to communicate Greek and Latin, and my
cousin Constance gave me my first lessons in
the art of love. All were able professors in
their way, but cousin Constance was infinitely
the most agreeable.
1 am by accident an only son. My mother,
in two years after she had sworn obedience at
the altar, presented her liege lord with a couple
of pledges of connubial love, and the gender of
both was mascuhne. Twelve years elapsed and
no addition was made to the Hamiltons ; when
lo ! upon a fine spring morning a httle Benjamin
was ushered into existence, and I was the God-
send. My father never could be persuaded that
there was a gentlemanly profession in the world
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 6
but one, and that was the trade of arms. My
brothers, as they grew up, entirely coincided
with him in opinion, and both would be soldiers.
Wilham died sword in hand, crowning the great
breach at llodrigo ; and Henry, after demolish-
ing three or four cuirassiers of the Imperial
Guard, found his last resting-place on "red
Waterloo." When they were named, my
father's eye would kindle, and my mother's
be suffused with tears. He played a fic-
titious part, enacted the Roman, and would
persuade you that he exulted in their deaths ;
but my mother played the true one, the
woman's.
It was an autumnal evening, just when you
smell the first indication of winter in a rarified
atmosphere, and see it in the clear curling of the
smoke, as its woolly flakes rise from the cottage
chimney, and gradually are lost in the clear blue
sky. Although not a cold evening, a log-wood
fire was extremely welcome. My father. Heaven
rest him ! had a slight touch in the toe of what
finished him afterwards in the stomach, namely,
gout.
" James," said my lady mother, *• it is time
we came to some decision regarding what
we have been talking of for the last twelve
B 2
4 ERIN-GO-BRAG H ; OR,
montlis. Frank will be eighteen next Wednes-
day."
" Paitli 1 it is time, my dear Mary ; the
premises are true, but the difficulty is to come
at the conclusion."
" You know, my love, that only for
your pension and half-pay, from the tre-
mendous depreciation in agricultural property
since the peace, we should be obliged to
lay down the old carriage, as you had to
part with the harriers the year after Water-
loo."
That to my father was a heavy hit. " It was
a devil of a sacrifice, Mary," — and he sighed,
" to give up the sweetest pack that ever man
rode to ; one, that for a mile's run you could
have covered with a blanket — heigh-ho ! God's
will be done ;" and after that pious adjuration,
my father turned down his tumbler No. 3, to
the bottom. The memory of the lost harriers
was always a painful recollection, and brought
its silent evidence that the fortunes of the
Hamiltons were not what they were a hundred
years ago.
" With all my care," continued my mother,
" and, as you know, I economise to the best of
my judgment, and after all is done that can be
IRISH LIFE PICTURES.
(lone, our income barely will defray the outlay
of our household."
" Or, as we used to say when I was dragoon-
ing thirty years ago, ' the tongue will scarcely
meet the buckle/ " responded the colonel.
" I have been thinking," said my mother,
timidly, " that Prank might go to the bar."
" I would rather that he went direct to the
devil," roared the commander, who hated law-
yers, and whose great toe had at the moment
undergone a disagreeable visitation,
" Do not lose temper, dear James," and she
laid down her knitting to replace the hassock
that he had kicked away under the painful irri-
tation of a disease that a stoic could not stand
with patience, and, as they would say in Ireland,
would fully justify a Quaker if " he kicked his
mother."
" Curse the bar !" but he acknowledged his
lady wife's kind offices by tapping her afiection-
ately on the cheek. " When I was a boy, Mary,
a lawyer and a gentleman were identified. Like
the army — and, thank God ! that is still intact,
none l)ut a man of decent pretensions claimed a
gown, no more than a linendraper's ajjprentice
now would aspire to an ejjaulet. Is there a low
fellow who has saved a few hundreds by retailing
6 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
whiskey by the naggin, who will not have his
son 'Mister Counseller O' Whack,' or 'Mister
Barrister O'Finnigan?' No, no, if you must
have Frank bred to a local profession, make him
an apothecary; a twenty pound note will find
drawers, drugs, and bottles. Occasionally he may
be useful ; pound honestly at his mortar, salve a
broken head, carry the country news about, and
he down at night with a tolerably quiet con-
science. He may have hastened a patient to his
account by a trifling over-dose ; but he has not
hurried men into villainous litigation, that will
eventuate in their ruin. His worst offence
against the community shall be a mistaking of
tooth-ache for tic- douloureux, and lumbago for
gout, — oh, d — n the gout !" — for at that portion
of his speech the poor colonel had sustained an
awful twinge.
" Well," continued the dame, " would you
feel inclined to let him enter the University, and
take orders ?"
" Become a churchman ?" and away, with a
furious kick, again went the hassock. " You
should say, in simple English, make him a curate
for the terra of natural life. The church in
Ireland, Mary, is like the bar, it once was
tenanted by gentlemen who had birth, worth.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 7
piety, learning, or all united to recommend tlieni
to promotion. Now it is an arena where impure
influence tilts against unblushing hypocrisy.
The race is between some shuffling old lawyer,
or a canting saint. One has reached the wool-
sack by political thimble-rigging, which means,
starting patriot, and turning, when the price is
offered, a ministerial hack. He forks a drunken
dean, his son, into a Father-in-Godship with all
the trifling temporalities attendant on the same.
Well, the other fellow is a ' regular go-a-head,'
denounces popery, calculates the millenium,
alarms thereby elderly women of both sexes,
edifies old maids, who retire to their closets
in the evening with the Bible in one hand,
and a brandy-bottle in the other; and what he
hkes best, spiritualizes with the younger ones."
" Stop, dear James." The emphasis on the
word spiritualize had alarmed my mother, who,
to tell the ti-uth, had a slight touch of the ])re-
vailing malady, and, but for the counteracting
infliicnce of the commander, might have been
deluded into saintship by degrees.
The great toe was, however, again awfully
invaded, and my father's spiritual state of mind
not iit all improved by the second twinge, wliicii
was a heavv one.
8 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
" Why, damn it—"
" Don't curse, dear James."
" Cm^se ! I will ; for if you had the gout, yon
would swear like a trooper."
" Indeed I would not."
" Ah, Mary," replied my father, " between
twinges, if you knew the comfort of a curse or
two — it relieves one so."
" That, indeed, James must be but sorry con-
solation, as Mr. Cantwell said — "
" Oh ! d — n Cantwell," roared my father,
" a fellow that will tell you that there is but
one path to heaven, and that he has discovered
it. Pish ! dear Mary, the grand route is open
as the mail-coach road, and Papist and Protes-
tant, Quaker and Anabaptist, may jog along at
even pace. I'm not altogether sure about Jews
and Methodists. One bearded vagabond at
Portsmouth charged me, when I was going to
the Peninsula, ten shillings a pound for ex-
changing bank notes for specie, and every guinea
the circumcised scoundrel gave me w^as a light
one. He'll fry — or has fried already — and my
poor bewildered old aunt, under the skilful
management of the Methodist preachers, who,
for a dozen years in their rambles, had made her
house an inn, left the three thousand five per
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 9
cents, which I expected, to blow the gospel-
trumpet, either in Cahfornia or the Cape — for,
God knows, I never particularly inquired in
which country the trumpeter w^as to sound ' boot
and saddle,' after I had ascertained that the
doting fool had made a legal testament quite
surficient for the purposes of the holy knaves
who humbugged her. Cantwell is one of the
same crew, a specious hypocrite, I would attend
to the fellow no more than to that red-headed
rector — every priest is a rector now — who often
held my horse at his father's forge, when I hap-
pened to throw a shoe, hunting, — and would
half break his back in bowing, if I handed him
now and then a sixpence. Would I believe the
dictnni of that low-born dog, when he told me
that in head-quarters," — and my father elevated
his hand towards heaven — "they cared this
pinch of snuff, whether upon a Friday I ate a
rasher or red-herring ?"
Two episodes interrupted the polemical dis-
quisition. In character none could be more dif-
ferent — the one eventuated in a clean knock
down — the other decided indirectly my future
fortunes — and, in the next chapter, both shall l)e
detailed.
B 3
10 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
CHAPTEU 11.
" ANT. Thou knovr'st that all my fortunes are at sea,
Nor have I money, nor commodity,
To raise a present sum."
MEKCHANT OF VENICE.
The Boheeil Kistanaugh, called, in plain Eng-
lish, the kitchen boy, had entered, not like
Caliban, "bearing a log," but with a basket-
full. He deposited the supply, and was directed
by the commander to replenish the fire. I
believe that Petereeine's allegiance to my father
originated in fear rather than affection. He
dreaded
" the deep damnation of his ' Bah !' "
but what was a still more formidable considera-
tion, was a black-thorn stick which the colonel
had carried since he gave up the sword ; it was
a beauty, upon which every fellow that came for
law, in or out of custody, lavished his admira-
IRISH LITE PICTURES. 1 1
tion — a clean crop, with three inches of an iron
ferule on tlie extremity. jMy father was, " good
easy man," a true Milesian philosopher — his
arguments were those impressive ones, called ad
hominem, and after he had grassed his man, he
explained the reason at his leisure.
Petereeine (little Peter), as he was called, to
distinguish him from another of that apostolic
name — who was six feet two — approached the
colonel in his best state of health with much
alarm ; but, when a fit of the gout was on —
when a foot swathed in flannel, or slippered and
rested on a hassock, announced the anthritic
visitation, Petereeine would hold strong doubts
whethiT, had the choice been allowed, he should
not have preferred entering one of Van Am-
burgh's dens, to facing the commander in the
dhiing-room.
Petereeine was nervous — he had over-heard
his master blowing to the skies the Reverend
George Cantwell, and the red-headed rector,
Paul Macrony. If a parson and a priest
were so treated, wdiat chance had he ? and
great was his trepidation, accordingly, when
he entered the state chamber, as in duty
bound.
" Why the devil did you not answer tlie IkU?
12 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
You knew well enough, you incorrigible scoun-
drel ! that I wanted you."
Now my father's opening address was not cal-
culated to restore Petereeine's mental serenity —
and to add to his uneasiness, he also caught
sight of that infernal implement, the black-
thorn, which, in treacherous repose, was resting
at my father's elbow.
'' On with some wood, you vagabond."
The order was obeyed — and Petereeine con-
veyed a couple of billets safely from the basket to
the grate. The next essay, however, was a
failure — the third looj fell — and if the fall were
not great, as it dropped on the fender, it cer-
tainly was very noisy. The accident was harm-
less — for, according to honest admeasurement, it
evaded my father's foot by a full yard — but,
under nervous alarm, he swore, and, as troopers
will swear, that it had descended direct upon
his afflicted member, and, consequently, that he
was ruined for life. This was a subsequent
explanation — while the unhappy youth was
extended on the hearth-rug, protesting inno-
cence, and also declaring that his jaw-bone was
fractured. The fall of the billet and the boy
were things simultaneous — and while my
mother, in great alarm, inculcated patience
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 13
under suffering, and hinted at resignation, my
father, in return, swore awfully, that no man
with a toe of treble its natin-al dimensions, and
scarlet as a soldier's jacket, had ever })ossessed
either of these Christian articles. My mother
quoted the case of Job — and my father begged
to inquire if there was any authority to prove
that Job ever had the gout ? In the meantime,
the kitchen-boy had gathered himself up and
departed — and as he left the presence with his
hand pressed upon his cheek, loud were his
lamentations. Constance and I, nobody enjoyed
the ridiculous more than she did, laughed hear-
tily, while the colonel resented this want of
sympathy, by calling us a brace of fools, and
expressing his settled conviction, that were he
the commander, hanged, we, the delinquents,
would giggle at the foot of the gallows.
Such was the state of affairs, when the en-
trance of the chief butler harbingered other
occurrences, and much more serious than poor
Petereeine's damaged jaw. Mick Kalligan had
been in the " heavies" with my father, and at
Salamanca, had ridden the opening charge, side
by side with him, greatly to the detriment of
divers Frenchmen, ;md nuich to the satisfaction
of his present master. In executing this
14 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
acliievemeiit, Mick had been a considerable suf-
ferer — his ribs having been invaded by a red-
lancer of the guard — while a chasseur-a-cheval
had inserted a lasting token of his affection
across his right cheek, extremely honourable, but
by no means ornamental.
Mick laid a couple of newspapers, and as
many letters, on the table — but before we
proceed to open either, we will favour the
reader with another peep into our family his-
tory.
Manifold are the ruinous phantasies which
lead unhappy mortals to pandemonium. This
one has a fancy for the turf, another patronizes
the last imported choryphee. The turf is gene-
rally a settler — the stage is also a safe road to a
safe settlement, and between a race-horse and a
danseuse, we would not give a sixpence for
choice. Now, as far as horse-flesh went, my
grandfather was innocent ; a pirouette or pas
seul, barring an Irish jig, he had never witnessed
in his life — but he had discovered as good a
method for settUng a private gentleman. He
had an inveterate fancy for electioneering. The
man who would reform state abuses, deserves
well of his country; there is a great deal of
patriotism in Ireland ; in fact, it is, like linen, a
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 15
staple article generally, but still the best pay-
master is safe to win ; and hence, my poor
grandfather generally lost the race.
]\Iy father looked very suspiciously at the
letters — one had his own armorial bearing dis-
played in red wax — and the formal direction
was at a glance detected to be that of his aunt
Catherine — Catherine's missives were never
agreeable — she had a rent charge on the pro-
perty for a couple of thousands ; and, like
Moses and Son, her system was "quick
returns," and the interest was consequently ex-
pected to the day. For a few seconds my father
hesitated, but he manfully broke the seal — mut-
tering, audibly, " What can the old ratttle-trap
write about ? Her interest-money is not due for
another fortnight." He threw his eyes hastily
over the contents — his colour heightened — and
my aunt Cathcrhie's epistle was flung, and most
unceremoniously, upon the ground — the hope
that accompanied the act, being the reverse of a
benediction.
" Is there anything wrong, dear James ?" in-
quired my mother, in her usual quiet and timid
tone.
"Wrong!" thundered my father; "Frank
will read this spiritual production to you. Every
16 ERIN-GO-BRAGH; OR,
line breathes a deep anxiety on old Kitty's part
for my soul's welfare, earthly considerations
being non-important. Read, Frank, and if you
will not devoutly wish that the doting fool was
at the dev — "
" Stop, my dear James."
" Well — read, Frank, and say, when you hear
the contents, whether you would be particularly
sorry to learn that the old lady had, as sailors
say, her hands well greased, and a fast hold upon
the moon ? Read, d — n it, man ! there's no
trouble in decyphering my aunt Catherine's pen-
manship. Her's is not what Tony Lumpkin
complained of — a cursed cramped hand ; all
clear and unmistakable — the ^'s accurately stroked
across, and the i's dotted to a nicety. Go on —
read, man, read."
I obeyed the order, and thus ran the missive,
my honoured father adding a running com-
mentary at every important passage : we shall
place them in italics : —
" ' My dear nephew,' "
" Oh, her affection .'"
" ' If, by a merciful dispensation, I shall be
permitted to have a few spiritual minded friends
to-morrow, at four o'clock, at dinner — " '
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 17
" Temps miliiaire — they won't fail you, my old
girl
" ' I shall then have reached an age to which
few arrive — look to the psalm — namely, to
eighty-' "
" She's eighty -three.''
" ' I have, under the mercy of Providence, and
the ministry of a chosen vessel, the Reverend
Carter Kettlcvvell, and also a worshipping Christ-
ian learned in the law, namely, Mr. Sclby Sly,
put my earthly house in order. Wovdd that
spiritual preparations could be as easily accom-
plished ; but yet I feel well convinced that mine
is a state of grace, and Mr. Kettlewell gives me
a comfortable assurance that hi me the old man
is crucified — ' "
" Did you ever listen to such rascally cant ?"
" ' I have given instructions to Mr. Sly to
make my will, and Mr. Kettlewell has kindly
consented to be the trustee and executor — ' "
*' Now comes the villainy, no douht."
" ' I have devised — may the oftbring be gra-
ciously received ! — all that I shall die possessed
of to make an addition to support those devoted
soldiers — not, dear nephew, soldiers in yodr
carnal meaning of the word — but the ministers
of the gospel, who labour in New Zealand.
18 ERTN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
These inestimable men, whose courage is ahnost
supernatural, and who — ' "
" Pish — what an old twaddler /"
" ' Although annually eaten by converted
cannibals, still press forward at the trumpet-
call—' "
"/ wonder what sort of a grill old Kate would
make ? cursed tough, I fancy.*'
" ' I have added my mite to a fund already
established to send assistance there — ' "
" Ay, to Christianise, and, in return, he car-
bonadoed. I wish I had charge of the gridiron ;
I would broil one or two of the new recruits."
" ' I have called in, under Mr. Sly's advice,
the mortgage granted to the late Sir George
O'Gorman, by my ever-to-be-lamented husband,
and the other portions of my property, being in
state securities, are reclaimable at once. My
object in writing this letter is to convey to my
dear nephew my heartfelt prayers for his spiritual
amendment, and also to intimate that the 2000/.
— a rent-charge on the Kilnavaggart property —
w^ith the running quarter's interest, shall be paid
at La Touche's to the order of Messrs. Kettlewell
and Sly. As the blindness of the New Zealanders
is deplorable, and as Mr. Kettlewell has already
enlisted some gallant champions who will blow
IRTSH LIFE PICTURES. 10
the gospel-trumpet, although they were served
up to supper the same evenhig, I wish the object
to be carried out at ouce. — ' "
" Beautiful /" said my poor father with a
groau ; " ivhere the devil could the money he
raised ? You won't realise now for a bullock
what, in war-time, you would get for a calf. Go
on with the old harridan's epistle."
" ' Having now got rid of fleshly considerations
— I mean money ones — let me, my dear James,
offer a word in season. Remember that it comes
from an attached relation, who holds your world-
ly affairs as nothing — ' "
" / can't dispute that," said my father with a
smothered groan.
" ' But would turn your attention to the more
important considerations of our being. I would
not lean too heavily upon the bruised reed, but
your early life was anything but evangelical — ' "
Constance laughed ; she could not, wild girl,
avoid it.
" ' We must all give an account of our steward-
ship,' vide St. Luke, chap. xvi. — ' "
" Stop — Shalcspeare's right ; luhen the devil
quotes Scripture — but, go on — Let's have the
whole dose."
"'When can you pay the money in? And,
20 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
oh ! in you, my dear nephew, may grace yet
fructify, and may you be brought, even at the
eleventh hour, to a slow conviction that all on
this earth is vanity and vexation of spirit — drums,
colours, scarlet and fine linen, hounds running
after hares, women whirling round, as they tell
me they do, in that invention of the evil one
called a waltz, all these are but delusions of the
enemy, and designed to lead sinners to des-
truction. I transcribe a verse from a most
aflPecting hymn, composed by that gifted man — ' "
" 0/i, d—n the hymn /" roared my father ; " on
with you, Frank, and my henison light on the
composer of it ! Don^t stop to favour us with his
name, and pass over the filthy doggrel."
I proceeded under orders accordingly.
*' ' Remember, James, you are now sixty-one ;
repent, and, even in the eleventh hour, you may
be phicked like a brand from the fire. Avoid
swearing, mortify the flesh — that is, don't take a
third tumbler after dinner — ' "
My father could not stand it longer. " Oh,
may CromwelV s curse light upon her! I wonder
how many glasses of brandy-and-water she swal-
lows at evening exercise, as she calls it, over a
chapter of Timothy ?"
I would not recall the past, but for the
<( I
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 21
purpose of wholesome admonition. The year
before you married, and gave up the godless
life of soldering, can you forget that I found you,
at one in the morning a.m., in Bridget Donovan's
room ? Your excuse was, that you had got the
colic ; if you had, why not come to my chamber,
where you knew there was laudanum and
lavender?'
Poor Constance could not stand this fresh
allegation ; and, while my mother looked very
grave, we laughed, as Scrub says, " consumedly."
My father muttered something about " cursed
nonsense!" but I am inclined to think that aunt
Catherine's colic charge was not without founda-
tion.
" ' I have now, James, discharged my duty :
may my humble attempts to arouse you to a
sense of the danger of standing on the brink of
the pit of perdition be blessed ! Pay the prin-
cipal and interest over to La Touche. Mr. Selby
Slv huited that a foreclosure of the morto:ao;e
might expedite matters ; and, by saving a term
or two in getting in the money, two or three
hundred New Zealanders would — and oh, James !
how gratifying would be the reflection ! — be
saved from the wrath to come.
" ' This morning, on looking over your mar-
22 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
riage settlement, Mr. Sly is of opinion that, if
Mrs. Hamilton will renounce certain rights, he
can raise the money at once, and that too only
at legal interest, say six per cent. — ' "
Often had I witnessed a paternal explosion ;
but, when it was hinted that the marital rights
of my poor mother w^ere to be sacrificed, his fury
amounted almost to madness.
" Damnation !" he exclaimed ; " confusion light
upon the letter and the letter- writer ! You ! —
do an act to invalidate your settlement ! I would
see first every canting vagabond in " and
he named a disagreeable locality. " Never,
Mary ! pitch that paper away : I dread that at
the end of it the old lunatic will inflict her bene-
diction. Frank, pack your traps — you must
catch the mail to-night; you'll be in town by
eight o'clock to-morrow morning. Be at Sly's
office at nine. D — n the gout ! — I should have
done the job myself. Beat the scoundrel as
nearly to death as you think you can conscien-
tiously go without committing absolute murder ;
next, pay a morning visit to Kettlewell, and, if
you leave him in a condition to mount the pulpit
for a month, I '11 never acknowledge you. Brea:k
that other seal ; probably, the contents may
prove as agreeable as old Kitty's."
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 23
There Avere times and moods when, in Byron's
language, it was judicious to reply
"Pasha ! to hear is to obey,'*
and this was such a period. I broke the black
wax, and the epistle proved to be from the very
gentleman whom I was to be despatched per
mail to qualify next morning for surgical assist-
ance.
" Out with it !" roared my father, as I un-
closed the foldings of the paper ; " What is the
signature? I remember that my uncle Hector
always looked at the name attached to a letter
when he unclosed the post-bag; and if the hand-
writing looked like an attorney's, he flung it,
without reading a line, into the fire."
" This letter, sir, is subscribed ' Selby Sly.' "
" Don't burn it, Frank, read. Well, there is
one comfort that Selby Sly shall have to-mori'ovv
evening a collection of aching ribs, if the
Hamiltons are not degenerated: read, man,"
and, as usual, there was a running comment on
the text.
Dublin, March, 1818.
'* * Colonel Hamilton, — Sir,
" ' It is my melancholy duty to inform you — ' "
24 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
" That you have foreclosed the mortgage.
Frank, if you don't break a bone or two, I'll
never acknowledge you again."
" ' That my honoured and valued client and
patroness, Mrs. Catherine O'Gorman, suddenly
departed this life at half-past six o'clock p. m.,
yesterday evening, when drinking a glass of
sherry, and holding sweet and spiritual converse
with the Reverend Carter Kettlewell.' "
" It 's all up, no doubt : the canting scoundrels
have secured her — or, as blackguard gamblers
say, have ' made all safe.' "
" ' She has died intestate, although a deed,
that would have immortalised her memory, was
engrossed, and ready for signature. Within an
hour after she went to receive her reward — ' "
My father gave a loud hurrah ! " Blessed be
Heaven that the rout came before the old fool
completed the New Zealand business .'"
" ' As heir-at-law, you are in direct remainder,
and the will, not being executed, is merely waste-
paper : but, from the draft, the intentions of your
inestimable aunt, can clearly be discovered. Al-
though not binding in law, let me say there is
such a thing as Christian equity that should
guide you. The New Zealand bequest, involv-
ing a direct application of £10,000 to meet the
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 25
annual expenditure of gospel-soldiers — there
being a constant drain upon these sacred har-
bingers of peace, from the native fancy of prefer-
ring a devilled missionary to a stewed kangaroo —
that portion of the intended testament I would
not press upon you. But the intentional behests
of £500 to the Rev. Carter Kettlewell, the same
sum to myself, and an annuity to Miss Grace
Lightbody of £50 a-year, though not recoverable
in law, under these circumstances should be faith-
fully confirmed.
" ' It may be gratifying to acquaint you with
some particulars of the last moments of your dear
relative, and one of the most devout, nay, I may
use the term safely, evangelical elderly gentle-
women for whom I have had tlie honour to trans-
act business.' "
" Stop, Frank. Pass over the detail. It might
be too affecting."
" ' I await your directions for the funeral.
My lamented friend and client had erected a
catacomb in the Siloam Chapel, and in the
minister's vault, and she frequently expressed
a decided wish that her dust might repose
with faithful servants, who, in season and out
of season, fearlessly grappled with the man of
sin, who is arrayed in black, and the woman
VOL. I. c
26 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
who sitteth on tlie seven hills, dressed in scar-
let.' "
" Hang the canting vagabond — why not call
people by their proper titles ; name Old Nick at
once, and the lady whose sobriquet is unmention-
able, but who, report says, has a town residence
in Babylon."
Constance and I laughed ; my mother, as
usual, looking demure and dignified. Another
twinge of the gout altogether demolished the
commander's temper.
" Stop that scoundreVs jargon. Run your eye
over the remainder, and tell me what the fellow's
driving at.''
I obeyed the order.
" Simply, sir, Mr. Sly desires to knoAV whether
you have any objection to old Kitty taking peace-
able possession of her catacomb in the Dublin
gospel-shop which she patronized, or would you
prefer that she were ' pickled and sent home,' as
Sir Lucius says."
" Heaven forbid that I should interfere with
her expressed wishes," said my father. " I sup-
pose there 's ' snug lying ' in Siloam ; and there 's
one thing certain that the company who occupy
the premises, are quite unobjectionable. Kitty
will be safer there. Lord ! if the gentleman in
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 27
black, or the red lady of the seven hills, attempted
a felonious entry on her bivouac, what a row the
saintly inmates would kick up ! It would be
a regular 'guard, turn out!' and what chance
would scarlatina and old clooty have ? No, no,
she'll be snug there in her sentry-box. What a
blessed escape from ruin ! Mary, dear, make me
another tumbler, and, d — n the gout !" he had
a sharp twinge. " I '11 drink ' here 's luck ;'
Frank, go pack your kit, and instead of demolish-
ing Selby Sly, see Kitty decently sodded. Your
mother, Constance, and myself will rumble after
you to town by easy stages. I wonder how aunt
Catherine will cut up. If she has left as much
cash behind as she has lavished good advice in
her parting epistle, by — " and my father did
ejaculate a regular rasper — " I '11 re-purchase the
haiTiers, as I have got a whisper that poor Dick
was cleaned out the last meeting at the Curragh,
and the pack is in the market."
•2S ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
. CHAPTER III.
" I have tremor cordis on me."
winter's tale.
It is a queer world after all ; manifold are its
ups and downs, and life is but a medley of fair
promise, excited hope, and bitter disappointment.
Never did a family party start for the metro-
polis with gayer hearts, or on a more agreeable
mission. Our honoured relative (authoritate the
Methodist Magazine) had " shuffled oflp " in the
best marching order imaginable ; before the rout
had arrived, her house had been perfectly ar-
ranged, but her will, " wo worth the day," was
afterwards found to be sadly informal. It was
hinted that the mission to Timbuctoo, although
not legally binding on the next of kin, should be
considered a sacred injunction and first lien on
the estates. In a religious light, according to
the Reverend Mr. Sharpington, formalities were
IKISH LIFE PICTURES. 29
unnecessary, but, my father observed, sotto voce,
in reply, and in the plain vernacular of the day,
what in modern times would have been more
figuratively expressed, namely, " Did not the
gospel trumpeters wish they might get it !"
The kennel, whose door for two years had not
been opened, was again unlocked ; whitew^^shing
and reparations were extensively ordered ; a pru-
dent envoy was despatched to repurchase the
pack, which, rebus egenis, had been laid down,
and the colonel, in his " mind's eye," and obli-
vious of cloth shoes, once more was up to his
knees in leather,* and taking everything in the
shape of fence and brook, just as the Lord pleased
to dispose them.
A cellar census w^as next decided on, and bv a
stout exertion, and at the same time with a heavy
heart, my father hobbled doAvn the stone steps,
and entered an underground repcrtorium, which
once he took much pride in visiting. Alas ! its
glory had departed ; the empty bins were richly
fringed w^ith cob webbed tapestries, and silently
admitted a non-occupancy by bottles for past
years. The colonel si";hed. He remembered
his grandfather's parting benediction. Almost
* Au Irish term for wearing jockey boots.
30 EEIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
in infancy, malignant fever within one brief week
had deprived him of both parents, and a chasm
in direct succession was thus created. A sum-
mons from school was unexpectedly received, and
although the young heir and the courier borrowed
liberally from the night, it was past cock-crow
when they reached their destination.
The old gentleman was "in articnlo;" or, as
sailors would say, he was already " hove short,"
and ready to trip his anchor. " Up stairs, master
Frank, " exclaimed the old butler to my father,
" the general will be in heaven in half-an-hour,
glory to the Virgin !"
I shall never forget my father's description of
the parting scene. Propped by half a dozen
pillows, the old man gasped hard for breath, but
the appearance of his grandson appeared to rouse
the dormant functions of both mind and body ;
and although there were considerable breaks be-
tween each sentence, he thus delivered his vale-
dictory advice. Often has the departure of
Commodore Trunnion been recalled to memory
by the demise of my honoured relative.
" Frank," said the old fox-hunter to my father,
" the summons is come, as we used to say when
I was a dragoon, to ' boot and saddle.' I told
the doctor a month ago that my wind was
IRISH LIFE nCTURES. 31
touched, but ho would have it that I was only a
whistler."
He paused for breath.
" The best horse that ever bore pig-skin on
his back, won't stand too many calls — Ugh !
ugh ! ugh !"
Another pause.
" I bless God that my conscience is tolerably
clean. "Widow or orphan, I never wronged in-
tentionally, and the heaviest item booked against
me overhead, is Dick Sonuner's death. Well, he
threw a decanter, as was proved upon the trial to
the satisfaction of judge and jury ; and you know
after that, nothing but the daisy* would do. [
leave you four honest weight carriers, and as
sweet a pack as ever ran into a red rascal without
a check. Don't be extravagant in my wake."
Another inteiTuption in the parting address.
" A fat heifer, half a dozen sheep, and the
puncheon of Rasserea that's in the cellar un-
touched, should do the thing genteely. It's
only a couple of nights you know, as you'll sod
me the third morning. Considering that I stood
two contests for the county, an action for false
imprisonment by a guager, never had a lock on
* An Irisli gentleman shot iu a duel in lancj si/tv, was poeti-
cally described as having been left '• quivering ou a daisy."
32 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
the hall door, kept ten horses at rack and manger,
and lived like a gentleman ; to the £5,000 for
which my poor father dipped the estate, I have
only after all added £10,000 more, which, as
Attorney Rowland said, shewed that I was a
capital manager. Well, you can pay both off
easily."
Another fit of coughing distressed my grand-
father sorely.
" Go to the waters — any place in England will
answer. If you will stand tallow or tobacco, you
can in a month or two wipe old scores off the
slate. Sir Roderick O'Boyl, when he was so
hard pushed as to be driven over the bridge of
Athlone in a coffin, to avoid the coroner,* didn't
he, and in less than a twelvemonth too, bring
over a sugar-baker's daughter, pay off encum-
brances, and live and die like a gentleman as he
was every inch. I have not much to leave you
but some advice, Frank dear, and after I slip my
girths, remember what I say. When you're
likely to get into trouble, always take the bull by
the horn, and when you're in for a stoup, never
mix liquors or sit with your back to the tire. If
you're obliged to go out, be sure to fight across
* In Ireland this functionary's operations are not confined to
the dead, but extend very disagreeably to the living.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. S3
the ridges, and if you can manage it, with the
sun at your back. Ugh ! ugh ! ugh !"
" In crossing a country, choose the — "
Another coughing fit, and a long hiatus in
valedictory instructions succeeded, but the old
man, as they say in hunting, got second wind,
and thus proceeded —
" Never fence a ditch when a gate is open — •
avoid late hours and attorneys — and the less you
have to say to doctors, all the better— Ugli !
Ugh ! Ugh ! When it's your misfortune to be
in company with an old maid, — I mean a re-
puted one — Ugh ! Ugh ! always be on the
muzzle — for in her next issue of scandal, she'll
be sure to quote you as her authority. If a saint
comes in your way, button your breeches' pocket,
and look now and then at your watch-chain. I'm
brought nearly to a fix, for bad bellows won't
stand long speeches."
Here the ripple in his speech, which dis-
turbed Connuodore Trunnion so much, sorely
afflicted my worthy grandfather. He muttered
something that a snaffle was the safest bit a
sinner could place faith in — assumed the mantle
of })rophecy — foretold, as it would ap[)ear,
troul)lous times to be in rapid advent — and in-
c 3
34 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
culcated that faitli should be placed in heaven,
and powder kept very dry.
He strove to rally and reiterate his counsels
for my father's guidance, but strength was
wanting. The story of a life was told — he
swayed on one side from the supporting pillows
— and in a minute more the struggle was over.
Well, peace to his ashes ! We'll leave him in
the family vault, and start with a party for the
metropolis, who, in the demise of our honoured
kinswoman, had sustained a heavy loss,
but, notwithstanding, endured the visitation
with Christian fortitude and marvellous resigna-
tion.
Place aux dames. My lady mother had been a
beauty in her day, and, for a dozen years after
her marriage, had seen her name proudly and
periodically recorded by George Paukiner, in the
thing he called a journal, which, in size, paper,
and typography, might emulate a necrologic
affair cried loudly through the streets of London,
**i'th' afternoon" of a hanging Monday, con-
taining much important information, whether the
defunct felon had made his last breakfast simply
from tea and toast, or whether Mr. Sheriff
had kindly added mutton-chops to the dejeuner,
while his amiable lady furnished new-laid eggs
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 35
from the family corn-chandler. Bat to return to
my mother.
Ten years had passed, and her name had not
been hallooed from groom to groom on a birth-
day night, while the pearl necklace, a bridal
present, and emeralds, an heir-loom from her
mother, remained in strict abeyance. Now and
again their cases were unclosed, and a sigh ac-
companied the inspection — for sad were their
reminiscences. Olim — her name was chronicled
on Patrick's night, by every Castle reporter.
They made, it is to be lamented, as Irish re-
porters will make, sad mistakes at times. The
once poor injured lady had been attired in
canary-coloured lute-string, and an ostrich plume,
remarkable for its enormity, while she, the
libelled one, had been becomingly arrayed in
blue bombazine, and of any plumage reported
from Araby the blest, was altogether innocent.
A general family movement was decided on.
My aunt's demise required my father's presence
in the metropolis. My mother's wardrobe de-
manded an extensive addition, — for, sooth to say,
her costume had become, as far as fashion went,
rather antediluvian. Constance announced that
a back-tooth called for professional interference.
May heaven forgive her if she libbcd ! — for a
36 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
dental display of purer ivory never slyly solicited
a lover's kiss, than what her joyous laugh ex-
hibited. My poor mother entered a protest
against the " spes ultima gregis," meaning my-
self, being left at home in times so perilous, and
when all who could effect it, were hurrying into
garrisoned towns, and abandoning, for crowcied
lodgings, homes, whose superior comforts were
abated by their insecurity. The order for a
general movement was consequently issued — and,
on the 22nd of June, we commenced our journey
to the capital.
With all the precision of a commissary-general,
my father had regulated the itinerary. Here, w'e
were to breakfast, there, dine, and this hostelrie
was to be honoured with our sojourn during the
night-season. Man wills, fate decrees, and, in
our case, the old saw was realized.
It will be necessary to remark that a con-
spiracy that had been hatching for several years,
from unforeseen circumstances had now been
prematurely exploded. My father, with more
hardiesse than discretion, declined following the
general example of abandoning his home for the
comparative safety afforded by town and city.
Coming events threw their shadow before, and
too unequivocally to be mistaken, but still he
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 37
sported deaf adder. In confidential communi-
cation witli Dublin Castle, all known there
touching the intended movements of the dis-
affected was not concealed from him. He was,
unfortunately, the reverse of an alarmist, proud
of his popularity — read his letters — drew his in-
ferences — and came to prompt conclusions.
Through his lawyer, a house ready furnished in
Leeson street was secured. His plate and port-
able valuables were forwarded to Dublin, and
reached their destination safely. Had our hearts
been where the treasure was, we should, as in
prudence bound, have personally accompanied
the silver spoons — but the owner, like many an
abler commander, played the waiting game too
long. A day sooner would have saved some
trouble — but my father had carried habits of ab-
solute action into all the occurrences of daily life.
Indecision is, in character, a sad failure, but his
weak point ran directly in an opposite direction.
He thonght, weighed matters hastily, decided in
five minutes, and that decision once made, conte
qui coute, nmst be carried out to the very letter.
He felt all tlie annoyance of leaving the old roof-
tree and its household gods — conflicting state-
ments from the executive — false information from
local traitors — an assurance from the priest that
88 ERIN-GO-BRAGir ; OR,
no immediate danger might be expected — these,
united to a yearning after home, rendered his
operations rather Fabian. The storm burst, how-
ever, while he still hesitated, or rather, the
burning of the mail-coaches, and the insurrection,
were things simultaneous — and my father after-
wards discovered that he, like many a wiser man,
had waited a day too long.
Whether the colonel raischt have dallied still
longer is mere conjecture, when a letter marked
" haste " was delivered by an orderly dragoon,
and in half-an-hour the " leathern conveniency"
was rumbling down the avenue.
The journey of the Wronghead family to
London — if I recollect the pleasant comedy that
details it correctly — was effected without the
occurrence of any casualty beyond some dys-
peptic consequences to the cook from over-
eating. Would that our migration to the me-
tropolis had been as fortunately accomplished !
We started early ; and on reaching the town
where we were to breakfast and exchange our
own for post-horses, found the place in feverish
excitement. A hundred anxious inquirers were
collected in the market-place. Three hours
beyond the usual time of the mail-delivery had
elapsed — wild rumours were spread abroad — a
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 39
general rising in Leinster was announced — and
the non-arrival of the post had an ominous
appearance, and increased the alarm.
We hurried over the morning meal, — tlie
horses were being put to — the ladies already in
the carriage — when a dragoon rode in at speed,
and the worst apprehensions we had entertained
were more than realised by this fresh arrival.
The mail-coach had been plundered and burned,
while everywhere, north, east, and west, as it
was stated, the rebels were in open insurrection,
— all communication with Dublin was cut off, —
and any attempt to reach the metropolis would
have been only an act of madness.
Another express from the south came in.
Matters there were even worse. The rebels had
risen en masse and connnitted fearful devasta-
tion. The extent of danger in attempting to
reach the capital, or return to his mansion, were
thus painfully balanced ; and my father con-
sidering that, as sailors say, the choice rested
betsveen the devil and the deep sea, decided on
remaining where he was, as the best policy
under all circumstances.
The incompetency of the Irish engineering
staff, and a defective commissariat, at that time
was most deplorable; and although the town
40 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
of was notoriously disaffected, the barrack
chosen, teraj)orarily, to accommodate the gar-
rison — a company of militia — was a thatched
building, two stories high, and perfectly com-
manded by houses in front and rear. The cap-
tain in charge of the detachment knew nothing
of his trade, and had been hoisted to a com-
mission in return for the use of a few free-
holders. The Irish read character quickly. They
saw at a glance the marked imbecility of the
devoted man ; and by an imposition, from which
any but an idiot would have recoiled, trapped the
silly victim and, worse still, sacrificed those who
had been unhappily entrusted to his direction.
That the express had ridden hard was evident
from the distressed condition of his horse ; and
the intelligence he brought deranged my father's
plans entirely. Any attempt either to proceed
or to return, as it appeared, would be hazardous
alike ; and nothing remained but to halt where
he was, until more certain information touching
the rebel operations should enable him to decide
which would be the safest course of action to
pursue. He did not communicate the extent of
his apprehensions to the family — affected an air
of indifference he did not feel — introduced him-
self to the commanding officer on parade — and
IRISH LIFE riCTURES. 41
returned to the inii in full assurance that, in
conferring a commission on a man so utterly
ignorant of the trade he had been thrust into as
Captain appeared to be, "the King's
press had been abused most damnably."
The colonel had a singular quality — that of
personal remembrance ; and even at the distance
of years he would recall a man to memory, even
had the former acquaintance been but casual.
Passing through the inn-yard, his quick eye
detected in the ostler a quondam stable-boy. To
avoid the consequences attendant on a fair-riot
which had ended, " ut mos est," in homicide,
the ex-groom had fled the country, and as it
was reported and believed, sought an asylum
in the " land of the free" beyond the At-
lantic, which, privileged like the Cave of
Abdullum, conveniently flings her Stripes
and Stars over all that are in debt and
all that are in danger. Little did the fugitive
groom desire now to recall "lang syne," and
renew a former acquaintance. But my father
was otherwise determined ; and stepi)ing care-
lessly up, he tapped his old domestic on the
shoulder, and at once addressed him by name.
The ostler turned deadly pale, but in a mo-
ment the colonel dispelled his alarm.
42 EUIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
" You have nothing to apprehend from me,
Pat. He who struck the blow, which was gene-
rally laid to your charge, confessed when dying
that he was the guilty man, and that you were in-
nocent of all blame beyond mixing in the affray."
Down popped the suspected culprit on his
knees, and in a low but earnest voice he re-
turned thanks to heaven.
" I understood you had gone to America, or
I would have endeavoured in some way to have
apprised you, that a murderer by report, you
were but a rioter in reality."
" I did go there, colonel, but I could not rest.
I knew that I w^as innocent ; but who would
believe my oath ? I might have done well
enough there ; but I don't know why, the ould
country was always at my heart, and I used to
cry when I thought of the mornings that I
whipped in the hounds, and the nights that I
danced merrily in the servants' hall, when piper
or fiddler came — and none left the house with-
out meat, drink, and money, and a blessing on
the hand that gave it."
" What brought you here, so close to your
former home, and so likely to be recognised?"
" To see if I couldn't clear myself, and get
ye'r honour to take me back. Mark that dark
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 43
mnn ! lie's owner of this horse. Go to the
bottom of the garden, and I'll be Avith you when
he returns to the house again."
My father walked carelessly away, unclosed
the garden gate, and left the dark stranger with
bis former whipper-in. Throwing himself on a
bench in a rude summer-house, he began to
think over the threatening aspect of affairs, and
devise, if he could, some plan to deliver his
family from the danger, which on every side it
became too evident was alarmingly impending.
He was speedily rejoined by his old domestic.
" j\Iarked ve that dark man well?"
" Yes ; and a devilish suspicious-looking gen-
tleman he is."
" His looks do not belie him. No matter
whatever may occur through it, you must quit
the town directly. Call for post-horses, and as
mine is the first turn, I'll be postillion. Don't
shew fear or suspicion — and leave the rest to
me. Beware of the landlord — he's a colonel of
the rebels, and a bloodier-minded villain is not
unhanged. Hasten in — every moment is worth
gold — and when the call comes, the horses will
be to the carriage in the cracking of a Avhip.
Don't notice me, good or bad."
He spoke, hopped over the garden-hedge to
44 EKIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
reach the back of the stables uiiperceived, while
I proceeded along the walk, and when approach-
ing the gate, it was opened by the host in person.
He started; but, with assumed indifference,
observed, "What sad news the dragoon has
brought !"
" I don't believe the half of it. These things
are always exaggerated. Landlord, I'll push on
a stage or two, and the worst that can happen
is to return, should the route prove dangerous,
I know that here I have a safe shelter to fall back
upon."
" Safe 1" exclaimed the innkeeper. " All the
rabble in the country would not venture within
miles of wliere ye are ; and, notwithstanding bad
reports, there's not a loyaler barony in the county.
Faith ! colonel, although it may look very like
seeking custom, I would advise you to keep your
present quarters. You know the old saying,
' Men may go farther and fare worse.' I had a
lamb killed when I heard of the rising, and
specially for your honour's dinner. Just look
into the barn as ye pass. Upon my conscience !
it's a curiosity."
He turned back with me ; but before we
reached the place, the dark stranger 1 had seen
before beckoned from a back window.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 45
*' Ila ! an old and worthy customer wants
me.
Placing his crooked finger in his mouth, he
gave a loud and piercing whistle. The quondam
whipper appeared at a stable-door with a horse-
brush in his hand.
" Pat, sliew his honour that born beauty I
killed for him this mornina;."
" Coming, Mr. Scully — I beg ye'r honour's
pardon — but ye know that business must be
minded," he said, and hurried off.
No man assumes the semblance of indiflFerence,
and masks his feelings more readily than an
Irishman, and Pat Loftus was no exception to
his countrymen. When summoned by the host's
whistle, he came to the door lilting a planxty
merrily, — but when he re-entered the stable, the
melody ceased, and his countenance became
serious.
" I hid behind the straw, yonder, colonel, and
overheard every syllable that passed, and under
the canopy bigger villains are not than the two
who are together now. There's no time for
talking — all's ready," and he pointed to the liar-
iiessed post horses, " Go in, keoj) an oj)en eye,
and close mouth, order round the carriage — all
46 ERIN-GO-BllAGH ; OR,
is packed — and when we're clear of the town I'll
tell you more."
When my father's determination was made
known, feelingly did the host indicate the danger
of the attempt, and to his friendly remonstrances
against wayfaring, Mr. Scully raised a warning
voice. But my father was decisive — Pat Loftus
trotted to the door — some light luggage was
placed in the carriage, and three brace of pistols
deposited in its pockets. A meaning look was
interchanged between the innkeeper and his
fellow-guest.
" Colonel," said the former, " I hope you will
not need the tools. If you do, the fault will be
all your own."
" If required," returned my father, " I'll use
them to the best advantage."
The villains interchanged a smile.
" Pat," said the host to the postillion, " you
know the safest road — do what I bid ye — and
keep his honour out of trouble if ye can."
" Go on," shouted my father — the whip
cracked smartly, and off rolled the carriage.
Por half a mile we proceeded at a smart pace,
until at the junction of three roads, Loftus took
the one which the finger-post indicated was not
the Dublin one. My father called out to stop,
IRISH LIFE nCTURES. 47
but the postillion hurried on, until liigli hedges,
and a row of ash-trees at both sides, shut in the
view. He pulled up suddenly.
" Am I not an undutiful servant to disobey
the orders of so good a master as Mr. Dogherty ?
First, I have not taken the road he recommended
— and, secondly, instead of driving this flint into
a horse's frog, I have carried it in my pocket,"
and he jerked the stone away.
" Look to your pistols, colonel. In good old
times your arms, I suspect, would have been
found in better order."
The weapons were examined, and every pan
had been saturated with water. " Never mind,
I'll clean them well at night : it's not the first
time. But, see the dust yonder ! I dare not turn
back, and I am half afraid to go on. Ha — glory
to the Virgin ! dragoons, ay, and, as I see now,
they are escorting Lord Arlington's coach. Have
we not the luck of thousands ?"
He cracked his whip, and at the junction of a
cross-road fell in with and joined the travellers.
My father was well known to his lordship, who
expressed much pleasure that the journey to the
capital should be made in company.
Protected by relays of cavalry, we reached the
city in safety, not, however, without one or two
48 ERIN-GO-BUAGH ; OR,
hair-breadth escapes from molestation. Every-
thing around told that the insurrection had
broken out : church-bells rang, dropping shots
now and then were heard, and houses, not verj-
distant, were WTapped in flames. Safely, how-
ever, we passed through manifold alarms, and at
dusk entered the fortified barrier erected on one
of the canal bridges, which was jealously guarded
by a company of Highlanders and two six-
pounders. Brief shall be a summary of what
followed. While the tempest of rebellion raged,
we remained safely in the capital. Constance
and I were over head and ears in love ; but
another passion struggled with me for mastery.
Youth is always pugnacious ; like Nerval,
" I had heard of battles, and had longed
To follow to the field some warlike"
colonel of militia, and importuned my father to
obtain a commission, and, like Laertes, " wrung
a slow consent." The application was made ;
and, soon after breakfast, the butler announced
that my presence was wanted in the drawing-
room. I repaired thither, and there found my
father, his fair dame, and my cousin Constance.
"Well, Fi-ank, I have kept my promise, and,
in a day or two, I shall have a captain's com-
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 49
mission for you. Before, however, I place myself
under an obligation to Lord Carhamjjton, let me
propose an alternative for your selection."
I shook my head. " And what may that be,
sir?"
"A wife."
"A wife !" I exclai ned.
" Yes, that is the plain offer. You shall have,
however, a free liberty of election : read that
letter."
I threw my eye over it hastily. It was from
the Lord Lieutenant's secretary, to say that his
excellency felt pleasure in placing a company in
the — militia, at Colonel Hamilton's disposal.
" There is the road to fame open as a turnpike
trust. Come hither, Constance, and here is the
alternative." She looked at me archlv, I cauj^ht
her to my heart, and kissed lier red lips.
"Father!"
" Well, Frank."
" You may write a polite letter to the Castle,
and decline the commission."
Half a century lias passed, but ninety-eight is
still, by oral communications, well known to the
VOI,. I. i)
50 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
Irish peasant ; and would that its horrors carried
with them salutary reminiscences ! But to my
own story.
Instead of fattenmg beeves, planting trees,
clapping vagabonds " i' th' stocks," and doing all
and everything that appertaineth to a country
gentleman, and also, the queen's poor esquire, I
might have, until the downfall of Napoleon, and
the reduction of the militia, events contem-
poraneous, smelt powder in the Phoenix Park on
field days, and hke Hudibras, of pleasant me-
mory, at the head of a charge of foot, " rode
forth a coloneling." In place, however, of
meddling with cold iron, I yielded to " metal
more attractive," and in three months became a
Benedict, and in some dozen more a papa.
In the meantime, rebellion was bloodily put
down, and on my lady's recovery, my father,
whose yearning for a return to the old roof-tree
was irresistible, prepared for our departure from
the metropolis.
Curiously enough, we passed through Pros-
perous, exactly on the anniversary of the day
when we had so providentially effected an evasion
from certain destruction. AVere aught required
to elicit gratitude for a fortunate escape, two
objects, and both visible from the inn windows.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 51
would have been sufficient. One was a mass of
l)lackeneJ ruins — the scathed walls of the
barrack, in which the wretched garrison had
been so barbarously done to death : the other a
human head impaled npon a spike on the gable
(if the Ijuilding, That blanched skull had rested
on the shoulders of our traitor host, and we,
doomed to " midnight nnirder," were mercifully
destined to witness a repulsive, but just evidence,
that Providence interposes often between the
villain and the victim.
I am certain that in my physical construction,
were an analysis practicable, small would be the
(unount of heroic proportions which the most
astute operator would detect. I may confess the
truth, and say, that in "lang sync," any transient
ebullition of military ardour vanished at a glance
fnjni Constance's black eye. The stream of time
swept on, and those that were, united their dust
with those that had been. In a short time my
letter of readiness may be expected; and I shall,
in nature's course, after the last march, as Byron
says, ere long
"Take my rest,"
And will the succession end with nic ? 'IVll
1) Z
52 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
it not to Malthus, nor whisper it to Harriet
Martineau. There is no prospect of advertising
for the next of kin, i. e. if five strapping boys
and a couple of the fair sex may be considered a
sufficient security.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 53
AN INCURSION INTO CONNRMARA,
WITH AN ACCOUNT OF A TRAVELLER WHO SURVIVED IT.
" Non sine pulvere palmam" is one of the
thousand-and-one wise saws conveyed in few
words, with much meaning, and in every
language, living and dead, from the remotest era,
even the confusion of tongues at Babel. I am
inclined to believe that, although unconscious of
the accident, I was bitten in early life by a rabid
traveller ; and that, if tourists are honoured by a
distinguishing outline on the occiput, mine, upon
investigation, would be found deeply-marked, and
of unusual dimensions. I was a rambler from
boyhood,- -for I ran away from school as punc-
tually as the quarter's note was transmitted
through the post-office ; and for the celerity and
success with which this evasion was effected 1
was horsewhipped at home, returned with a suit-
54 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
able escoi't, and received, as might be expected, a
well-merited reward. Dr. Shields — peace to his
ashes ! — was what sailors would term, built on
the lines of a porter-butt. He was lame, and he
was also left-handed ; but, never was that vil-
lanous shrub called privet — many a time I cursed
the hedge' it grew on — applied a posteriori by a
more accomplished practitioner. Well do we re-
member that for a week after the operation our
heart palpitated at the creak of his shoes, and we
preferred every posture to a sitting one. As I
ripened into manhood my early truancy became
confirmed ; it grew with my growth ; it seemed
as if the demon of locomotion marked me for his
own, and entered into me accordingly. In rapid
succession I was dusted on the desert, and half-
frozen in Siberia, musquito-bitten on the Amazon,
and flea ditto in the Scottish Highlands.
Anthropophagi are my aversion ; and I neither
would commit my person to be carbonadoed by a
Friendly Islander, nor baked after the most ap-
proved receipt to be found in a New Zealand
cookery-book. But I have dared and done much ;
and, laus Deo ! I survive to tell it. I am no
braggart. I spent a fortnight at Boulogne, and
made the grand tour of Connemara.
Prom recent information which has reached
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 00
me, tlic desperate courage, and yearning after
unknown lands, that instigated and successfully
achieved this perilous adventure — 1 mean the
exploration of the realms beyond the Shannon, —
may now be undervalued, as, with the demise of
the potentate who ruled it then,* I am told that
the glory of that land of Goshen has departed. I
make the statement on what appears to be res-
pectable authority, but I do not hold myself ac-
countable for its truth. It is said that the process
called " tarring and feathering"! has fallen into
desuetude, and " few and far between ;" that
attorneys have been seen wayfaring in apparent
security, and unprotected by a troop of horse.
Process servers do not specially agree for
pecuniary compensation, should their digestive
faculties be disorganized by swallowing, " upon
compunction," the unpretending strip of parch-
• Richard Martin, Esq., an eccentric but kind-hearted gen-
tleman.
t This was an operation to which process-servers and tithe-
proetors were subjected when apprehended. It is easily per-
formed. All the patient's raiment being removed, he is care-
fully coated over with warm tar, and rolled immediately in tiie
contents of a bed-tick. The change cfl'ectcd on personal ap-
pearance is so remarkable, that, in ignorance of his identity, a
bailiir has been repudiated by his own dog, and renounced by tin;
wife of his bosom.
56 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
ment, whereon her Most Gracious Majesty
conveys her compliments, and requests the plea-
sure of a private gentleman's company in one of
the courts of law. Nor do personages, not
in search of the picturesque, but in quest of
private distilleries, as an equipose to the writ of
assistance* in one pocket, carry their last will
and testament in the other. Such is the present
state of that once-happy land, that had its
Abdullumf ever open for all that were in debt
* An authority to demand the protection of a military party.
f This word, casually introduced, recalls to memory a friend
no longer in the flesh, who, while in the same, was sorely tor-
mented by the low harpies of the law ; and oftentimes has the
author listened to him while detailing with good emphasis and
discretion — for poor Harry was both a mimic and actor — the fol-
lowing pleasant adventure, and one of his most fortunate escapes.
"I was," said the raconteur, "on my keeping" — i. e. keeping
out of the way — " and never ventured a stone's throw from the
hall-door, as I had the gout in both feet ; and, worse still, had
fallen into deep .arrears with the hush money I paid to Jack
B } Well, one fine morning, the Devil and the weather
tempted me between them to hobble down to the gate, and
happening to look round by mere accident, whom did I see
hiding himself behind a thick holly-bush, but Cormack Mau-
raghan, the most determined villain that ever tapped a sinner's
shoulder. There is nobody but has his enemies, and people
1 This is a stipulated sum paid to the sheriff for permitting a
creditor to remain in his bailiwick unmolested ; for which indul-
gence as much as £500 a-year has been given to this func-
tionary.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES, 57
and in danger, and wliose lowliest cabin offered
a safe resting-place to the debtor, even as a tower
was wicked enough to whisper, between gout, aud the drop 1
had to take to keep it from my stomach, — it killed my aunt
Nancy ; and, God knows ! she did not neglect the specific, —
that I would use crutch, blunderbuss, or any lethal weapon next
at hand, without fear, favour, or affection, whether Mr. B. acted
in person or by dej)uty. Men, consequently, who had never
blenched from executing 'writ or exigent' before, thanked the
sheriff for the preference, and declined the dangerous honour ;
but Mauraghan, siiadente d'abolo, and emboldened by a one-
pound note in expectancy, and a pint of poteeine, duly and
truly administered, desperately essayed the perilous adventure —
aud how he sped another page will tell'.
" I twigged the villain at a glance," said my lamented friend,
" toddled off at the best pace 1 could manage round the corner,
aud earthed myself in the gate-house. Not a soul, big or little,
was there : for they had lefi ihe door upon the latch, and cut
off, bad luck to tliem ! to the market. Wherever the bar was, I
couldn't find it in the hurry ; and Mauraghan whisked round
the house, muttering his doubts as to whether I had taken
shelter iu the lodge, or treed myself among the bushes.
"Teaks I I"ll first try the house,' says the villain.
" * Will ye?' says I, as I hopped into the bed-room."
To explain the denouement of this interesting story, the
English reader must bear in mind, imprimis, that an liisli latch
is generally uplifted by inserting a finger through a couveuicncy
left for tin; purjjosc in the d.mr ; and, that my dcjiarted friend,
though in all things beside, liberally aceom|)lislied — as all great
men have their distinguisiiiug traits to mark them from the
multitude— prided himself, more especiall^v, on two natural gifts,
— ahead of such endurance that it could carry, and with ca-^e^
thirteen tumblers of diluted alcohol ; and a jaw, that iu grahp
and power would emulate a smith's vice. Indeed, his mouth
1) 3
58 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
of strength ; for rickety tlioiigli tlie humblei
edifice might be, " the iron knuckles of the law,"
as Penruddock says in the play, " dare not knock
was a curiosity, — it seemed as if the interior fittings had been
furnished by a wild boar ; and, in tenacity, when he fastened,
a bull dog could not hold a candle to him. Well, these personal
matters being explained, it is enough to say that Master Harry
retreated to the inner chamber, as Mr. Mauraghan entered the
outer one.
" ' He's among the bushes,' said the commencer of the law ;
* nobody here but the cat in the comer. I may jist as well,
howsomever, peep into the room,' and he tried the door, but the
push was resisted.
"'No lock upon it ather, and it fast shut!' muttered the
shoulder-tapper. * Be gogstay ! that's quare. Hollo ! Is there
anybody inside there ?'
" ' No one but myself,' squeaked an infantine voice.
' Mammy's gone to market, and shut me in till she comes back
again. Put e fiugee in e hole, and the latch will lift.' "
Unsuspiciously, the mau-hunter thrust the best of his bunch
of fives through the aperture indicated. "Was it mortal ivory, or
a twist of a constrictor's tail, that secured the incautious lodge-
ment ? A roar of murder obtained no pity — threat and maledic-
tion failed : at last, terms of mutual release were ratified —
Mr. Mauraghan proceeded to the county hospital, to ascertain
whether the total removal of his digital member, so extensively
commenced, had not better be completed, for the re-union of tlie
damaged member was considered scarcely practicable ; while
Harry retunied to that freeman's castle — the house, that he had J
incautiously quitted — with a solemn resolution that the best
weather predicted in Murphy's Almanac for a twelvemonth,
should not again, as matters stood, tempt liira, save on the
sabbath, to wander from his domicile.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 59
at tlie door,* and mar his tranquillity." Many
a year has slipped away, and many a clime, from
" Egypt's fires to Zenibla's frost,"
have been exchanged by turns for each other,
since I paid my last visit to the kingdom of
Connemara. Was it " suspicion of debt" that
prompted the migration ? No, I was an infant
of twenty — the said infant being five feet eleven.
Was it love? That treads more closely on the
kibe, as Hamlet says ; but, as we have recently
committed matrimony, our earlier liaisons have
faded, as they should fade, from memory. We
will, therefore, pass over both our in-going and
its object, and restrict ourselves to the fortunes
that befel us in coming out.
But whv not make a clean breast in the one
case as the other ? I danced three sets with
Julia French at the Balhnasloe fair ball, and ac-
cording to grammatical progression, in number
one I was a little bothered, and in number three
superlatively and outrageously in love. At a Con-
naught/cVp dansante, of negus there may be a suf-
ficiency, but of cold whiskey-punch the suj)|)ly,
though frequently and severely tested, will he
* "The Wheel of Fortune"
GO ERIN-GO-BRACxH ; OR,
found inexhaustible. Tn love incipient diluted
alcohol generally proves specific, and the disease
is much abated, if not entirely subdued, on the
patient awaking in the morning. In love com-
parative (vide the advertisement to "Parr's
Pills") the doses must be increased and con-
tinued. In the superlative stage, like canine
madness, there is no remedy, and the only alter-
natives lie between the ring and a halter. In
our first and only fit — and it was severe while it
lasted — we followed the alcoholic plan. It suc-
ceeded — " verbum sat."
There was a time when our Connemara trip
would not have been pleasantly brought to me-
mory ; but, at sixty men think and talk of love
merely as an agreeable hallucination — a phan-
tasy belonging to an age that follows that of
top-and-bottom-whipping — one half to be for-
gotten, and, as Scrub says, the other to be
*' laughed at most consumedly." " I do re-
member," — in what Ijetter terms could a man
usher in a melancholy reminiscence than in the
words of a starved apothecary ? — my first and
only visit to Connemara. Nobody ever, went
there upon a prudent errand, I verily believe.
•' Love -will be the lord of all ;"
and I book my Connemara escapade against the
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 61
little vagiil)oiKl. Enough — like a few insertions
in my tailor's books, — then and there it must
remain, until the recording angel can spare a
tear or two, and obliterate it altogether. But,
revenons a nos moutons.
My first set with Julia made me what they
call in Connaught a little soft ; in the second,
I was what Yankees term " spifflicated ;" an!,
about the middle of the third, so regularly
caught, that I plainly intimated — no hemming,
hawing, or beating about the busli, — that I
should seek a refuge from my misery either in
her arms, sweet girl ! or the waters of the Shan-
non. I was under orders for the Peninsula;
nuist trundle off by the early coach ; woidd
return
" With war's red honours on my crest;"
purchase domestic conveniences — cradle, of
course, inclusive; turn my " king's-order spit"
into a garden-dibble ; and dclectate for after-life
beneath the shade of my own fir — as, let it be
confessed at once, there are no fig-trees in Con-
nemara. Did a dignilied rejection annihilate my
hopes ? Oh ! no —
" She blusliod, but chid not."
The parting-hour came; and whili' her aunt
62 ERIN-GO-BRAGII ; OR,
was groping for her clogs at one side of the anti-
chamber door — thank God ! — as the bonnet-
pegs had been driven into the reverse of the
wood-work, I was enabled to press her red lips,
swear eternal fidelity, assure her that she might
question even what that blessed man, Father
Malachi, propounded from the altar on the next
holiday —
" Think truth might prove a liar.
But never doubt my love."
What she responded in return it is not for me
to repeat. She gave her feelings no stinted
utterance, and I took it in, although on reflec-
tion afterwards, " methought the lady did pro-
test too much."
What occurred for the next three years, were
but customary events attendant on campaigning
— and some very coarse usage that I received at
the assault of Badajoz, gave me a good plea for
six months' leave to patch up again. I had a
short and pleasant passage home — embraced my
honoured mother — underwent a chaste salute
from my aunt Deborah — an operation I dreaded
awfully, for Debby took that triturated prepara-
tion of the weed, called " blackguard," by the
ounce — was feted by the neighbours for a fort-
night, in honour of my safe rcturji to the sod,
IRISH LIFE nrTURFS. 68
and gallant bearing in the field — and dnring
that time none of the party — namely, the feast
givers, or myself, the recipient, were what, on
corporal oath, could have been declared in abso-
lute sobriety.
And had I forgotten the object of my first
love — the gentle Julia? Not I — even in the
eternal scene of hilarity, that I have described,
her image woukl return. Did the toastmaster
name "lovely woman," Julia, with magical cele-
rity, was before me — and if a stableman whis-
tled " I'm o'er young to marry yet," back came
the ball of Ballinasloe — and, in fancy, I went
twice down the middle, set corners, and turned
my partner. But the tenderest recollection by
far, was when Aunt Macmanus was groping for
her clogs, and we, in the innoecncy of our
hearts, settlin^c the bonnet on. Poor old lady,
she lost all patience at last, for, to own the
truth, we were an awful time fundjling with the
ribbon.
When u man is bent on mischief, an excuse
can easily be fabricated or found. I was dying
to see Julia, and I fortunately recollected that I
had a cousin, resident in ('onneinara, a i'(!lative
whom the family had lu'ver seen for twenty
years, — and, by every account, a more worthless
64 ERTN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
and mercenary hound never screwed the last six-
pence from a fodeeine.^ He hated his own re-
lations, and received a cordial return. On one
occasion only, had he evinced any indication of
affection towards his kindred, by transmitting a
letter to me, when ordered to join the service-
battalion in Spain, wishing me toute sorte de
prosperite, accompanied by a ten-pound note.
" Well, you may go and see the devil," said
my father, when I hinted my intention. " There
is no extracting blood from a turnip, and he
>Yould rather have parted with his best grinder,
than the ten pounds he sent you. If we could
keep his money in the family it would be desir-
able. I hear he gets more cankered as he grows
older — and he'll be sure, or I'm much mistaken,
to make ' ducks and drakes ' of all that he has
been hoarding these forty years."
The prediction was prophetic indeed — and
" ducks and drakes " he made both of his money
and himself. In a state bordering between dot-
age and drunkenness, he proposed to a young
lady of sixteen, a ganger's daughter — and she
was graciously pleased to encourage hopes, wliich
I had the satisfaction to see realized. But our
own narrative of all that befel us, will tell the tale
* A small freehold property.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. G5
of our kinsman's opening course of love, and we
will, also, and in timely season, duly chronicle its
close. Profiting by my father's permission, 1
speedily was ready for my incursion into Conne-
mara. He, " good, easy man," opining that deep
designs were lurking in this friendly visit, against
my kinsman's real and personal effects — but, all
the while, could the secret motive have been
traced, I wished to practically ascertain whether
a returning kiss was half as pleasant as a parting
one — a point on which I had been at issue with
a gentleman of ours, who was held to be on such
matters excellent authority, he doing for many
years a very respectable business in the love line.
I penetrated into Connemara. No onslaught
was made upon our person — no attempt to lighten
us of any portion of our metalics.
The hostelrie I stopped at was situated at the
intersection of four roads, and overlooked a small
bay — once, that little inlet had afforded a safe
and sheltered harbour to the contrabandists who
then frequented this wild and lawless district.
I have confessed already, that a double object
influenced my Connemara expedition — and, on
making local iiK|uirics toucluTig the abiding
places of my loving kinsman, mid the huly of my
love, 1 found that they were neaily (-(puthstant.
66 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
and some six miles from the hostelrie ; a " left
incline," in military parlance, leading to the do-
micile of my skin-flint cousin, and the right-hand
road conducting me, should I select it, to the
abode of beauty, where that impersonation of
graceful innocence, whose flying footsteps I had
erst while led through the mazes of
" The wind that shakes the barley,"
still wasted her
" Sweetness on the desert air,"
and more was the pity. Plutus punched my
ribs, and whispered " right shoulders forward !"
Cupid tickled me in the region of the pericardium,
and told me that I should find Julia prettier and
kinder than ever. What the deuce was I to do ?
Why, order dinner first, and settle precedency
afterwards, over a reflective tumbler of that illegal
but agreeable fluid, which never contributed a
farthing to the crown, or inflicted a headache on
the consumer. I knocked upon the table — bells
are not fashionable in Connemara — ordered (Hn-
ner — and promptly the order was obeyed.
There are people abiding in the great metro-
polis, who imagine they have eaten a correct
potatoe, — tell you that the flavour of a herring is
familiar, and, under this double delusion go even
iRTsii Lirr PICTURES. G7
to the grave. Let these unhappy citizens dream
on. Ah ! coukl they but have looked from luy
window, as the former were trundled from the
ridge, and the latter laid beside the runlet of
spring-water that went babbling past the door, to
loose tlieir silver scales, and, within an hour or
two, pass from the net to the frying-pan. But
ignorance is bliss, and why disturb the fallacies
of a cockney, who firmly imagines that the flavour
of the esculent and the fish, to him are not un-
known ? When Marisclial Saxe favoured his
half-staned visitors with a fricandeau, which, as
all agreed, conferred, or should confer, immortal
honour on the artiste who fabricated the same,
would it not have been inhuman to whisper in
the consumer's ear, that no fatted calf liad bled
to furnish forth the delicacy, — and the cook had
notliing to depend upon Itiit providence, his own
skill, and the tenderest cutlets that were avail-
able from the leg of a departed troop-horse ? But
this looks very like a digression. I said that tiie
scuddawns* w(M'e undergoing purification in the
rivulet before the house, when suddenly the retl-
shank discontinued her labour, and with half-a-
dozen idlers, wlio had been looking on, sprang;
into the centre of tiie road. All hjoked earnestly
♦ Jtifflicc — herrings.
68 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
in the same direction for a minute, and then bel-
lowed, in English and Irish, " Holy Bridget i
Here they come !" The loud alarum brought all
from the hostelrie to the street,* and I flung up
the window. The distant rush of cavalry was
heard — on came the whirlwind, nearer and nearer
still, until fifty horses, most of them with a
cavalier in the saddle, and a lady en croup behind
him, approached at headlong speed. Judge what
was my horror and surprise, when the landlord
exclaimed —
" Blessed Anthony ! it 's ould Hamerton's
draggin-home ! I thought he would have gone
the short road. But it 's civil in him to give
neighbours turn and turn alike — and, for once
in his life, drop a trifle in the way of trade, and
try our poteeine at the Cat and Bagpipes."
He who has not witnessed the hymeneal cere-
mony, called a dragging-home, will tax his ima-
gination in vain. He may fancy a charge of
drunken Calmucks, or Turkish cavalry careering
while directly influenced by opium. PshaAV '
neither of these will even distantly approach this
Milesian feat of horsemanship. In the bridal
cavalcade there was not a rider that had not a
* The space iu front of any detached cabin in Connanght is
called " the street."
IIIISII LIFE PICTURES. 09
pint of potceine, honest measure, under liis belt —
and were tlic trutli told, the laches were also
screwed severely. The best mounted led the
van — the slow ones formed a rear-guard — the
happy couple occupied the centre — and, in this
order, the troupe reined up within a few paces of
ray window. Hymen, at times, makes strange
selections — but he never played a more freaky
prank than when he knotted the ill-assorted
couple who halted at the Cat and Bagpipes for
refreshment,
I hate to see a grey -haired pantaloon pirouette
with a bread-and-butter debutante at a country
race-ball. AVell, 'tis but the silly weakness of
the hour — a fugitive tomfoolery — laughed at, and
forgotten. But, when the snows of seventv would
intermingle with the sunshine of sixteen, 'tis hard
to decide then which of two feelings will pre-
dominate — disgust at the senility, which should
have brought wisdom with it, or pity for a l)eing
on whom life was scarcely opening, when con-
signed, for some mercenary motive, to that worst
of graves — a living one, and chilling, in the icy
arms of age, the ardent glow of youtli, that every
law of nature intended should have been faith-
fully reciprocated.
T had never seen my doughty cousin, nor wa.s
70 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
I at all prepared for an introduction to my new
relative, and his " fair bed-fellow." While the
bustling host, his helpmate, and his handmaiden,
all were busily occupied in distributing alcoholic
refreshment, I had ample leisure afforded me to
view the happy pair, draw certain inferences
which required little worldly wisdom to arrive at,
and which a short time indeed confirmed to the
letter.
With one or two exceptions, and by no means
" selon la regie," the bridegroom was the only
person who seemed averse to a joint-tenancy on
horseback, for his steed — heaven knows a sorry
one he was — " bore but the weight of Anthony."
In youth, I had heard that Mr. Hamerton was but
an indifferent equestrian, and no stranger, having
weighty liabilities, would have put him in the
pig-skin for the cup at either Knockcraghery or
Kinsallagh. At present he seemed sorely dis-
tressed ; for it was only in broken sentences that
he urged a general circulation of the alcohol,
gasping at intervals, and with returning breath,
that he would be accountable for the amount.
His hair was short-cut, and grey; his features
extremely plain. If wrinkles be a proof, age had
placed " his signet sage" upon his brow, and it
was evident at a glance that in committing
IIUSII LIFE nCTUllES. 71
matrimony he was a very daring adventurer.
From the happy man I turned to the lady who
shared, or was supposed to share, in his fehcity.
She was mounted on the best horse in the caval-
cade, and seated hchind a very smart and good-
looking young man. Her gipsy hat, flaunting
with white favours, had fallen back, and the chin-
ribbon alone restrained it, while a profusion of
nut-brown hair, escaped from the ligature that
should have bound it, clustered in wild luxuriance
round her shoulders, and streamed in thick
ringlets down her back. She looked a joyous,
reckless creature, starting all unschooled upon the
world ; the mind unmoulded ; the manners just
as nature framed them. To kindred youth her
sj)irit might have assimilated ; but, from this un-
holy union, which mercenary considerations only
had produced, what but miseiy and misfortune
could be anticipated? Enough; the natural
harvest was rea})ed in time ; and, were it needed,
another proof could be adduced to shew how
dangerous is the trial that age ventures on, when,
to gratify a fancy that only dotage prompts, an-
tiquated folly demands a youthful victim ; and,
alas ! too frccpiently, a l)cing toeilect tlie sacritice
is found.
The liorscs had now got second wind ; the
72 EKIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
riders a glass or two additional. " Away ! away !''
was the word ; and, at a Waterloo charge, oif
swept the bridal cortege. A turn in the road
presently concealed them ; and ere the collision
between iron and flint had faded on the ear, the
rund^le of a vehicle was heard, and, seated on a
jaunting-car, a lady closely muffled halted, and
ahghted at " The Cat." From a hasty glance as
she dismounted, I marvelled that a gentlewoman
whose situation was evidently so matronly should
travel without an experienced female friend, were
it for no other purpose than to balance the bone-
setter.*
" Who is that lady ?" I said to the red-shank,
who was removing dinner.
" Feaks ! who should she be, but young
Mistress O'Tool, as purty and plisant-spoken a
lady as eye would find betwixt this and Galway,"
and she hastily retired from the presence.
A summer storm had been brewing in the
mountains. Big drops fell ; and, no doubt, they
urged the bridal throng to galloj) forward as they
had induced the stout young gentlewoman to
remain behind, and seek shelter prudently at the
hostelrie. I found the poteeine unexceptionable.
The rain now came down in earnest ; and, as I
* Name given to au Irish jauntiug-car.
II IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 73
fabricated a second tumbler, I thus communed
with myself, — " And so that stupid ass, our
cousin, has takeu unto himself a wife. A wife !
lieavcn shield the dotard I I have heard that he's
crippled with sciatica ; and what wants he with
aught save an experienced manipulist to embro-
cate the suffering limb when rheumatism invades
it ? Schoolmen assert that the ways to heaven
are numerous, while, 'tis said, — most irreligiously,
no doubt, — that in a fair, frail wife, a husband
easily attains beatitude. 'Faith ! this might have
been a shrewd speculation of my worthy cousin.
No matter. He's married ; the house of cards is
fallen, and all my father built upon is prostrate.
A few thousands, lent upon maiden security, and
more in hundreds, doled out on gom peeine* and
all that my Aunt Debby loved to dwell upon, my
great-grandmother's gold-box, and cups, and
covers, salt-spoons and snuffers ; a chest of
brocaded silks, each gown able to stand uj)right,
and tell, had it but a tongue, how, a huiiilrcd
years ago, it had rufiled through a minuet. All
are ali(;nated — lost — gone for ever. Well ! peace
to tiieir memory ! I drink to it ; and now their
requiem is sung. Well, my ride will not be un-
rewarded, after all. Julia I had the price been u
• Anglice — uourious interest.
74 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
pilgrimage to the Pyramids, I'd cross tlie Desert
to tie that bonnet-string again ! How the rail,
comes down ! If the bridal troop be not saturated'
to the skin, I'll put no faith in a Connemara
summer-storm for the future."
■ As I soliloquized the door half opened, and a
couple of the softer sex were heard, in friendly
altercation.
" I might intrude upon the gentleman," said a
piano voice.
" Arrah ! whoever heard of such a thing ?" ex-
claimed the maid-of-all-work, in return. " Bad
luck to their manners ! the drunken vagabonds
without there — to begin drawing their dhudeeins,
and you at their elbow, and in the delicate situa-
tion you're in. Arrah, come on, ma'am."
The lady made no reply ; but Brideeine seemed
determined to effect an introduction. A glance
over my shoulder confirmed my suspicions. The
fair intruder was the stout gentlewoman — I hate
dumpy women worse than Byron did. I decided
on general incivility, — ensconced myself in the
window, — brought Julia to memory anew, and
thus communed with myself : —
" Was she altered ? Had the sylphic figure
that operated through the popular dance of ' Mrs.
M'Cleod,' as if she had been infected by a
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. /O
(janring-fawn, or stolen his talaria from the god
of thieves, — had it })reserved its pristine sym-
metry? How sweetly moulded were its light
proportions ! A waist, that an aldermanic ring
would circle ; a neck that it were treason to des-
cribe, in that day of primitive simplicity (i. e.,
tivc-and-twonty years ago), when crenoline petti-
coats were totally unknown, and the expose of a
bustle in a shop-window would have subjected
the vendor to the wrath of the ' Vice Suppression
Association.' All about Juha was innocent and
inartificial, as if she had dressed as that un-
sophisticated personage described by ]Mr. Moore,
called Nora Crina, who fancied mountain-breezes,
and, like a sensible girl, eschewed tight-lacing."
A chair-leg grated on the sanded floor. It
was a movement made, no doubt, by the stout
gentlewoman, to attract attention. In politeness
I was called upon to accept the challenge, and
shew her a full front. I did so ; and an in-
vocation of some saint, whose rank and title 1
don't remember, with an earnest su|)i)lication for
the especial interference of the Blessed Virgin,
followed my recognition. 1 started, and looked
surprised. Did fancy trick rae ? Was I in the
presence of a former acquaintance, or a lady I
had never seen before? 1 felt confounded, and
V ^
76 EllIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
respectfully inquired whether had I the honour
of addressing Miss French or Mrs. O'Tool ?
The lady's explanation proved that, possessed
as she might have been of Lucretian virtue, she
did not unite to this estimable quality the per-
severance of Penelope. Indeed, her defence for
broken vows was what Connaught lawyers call
rather " rigmarole." Deserters, who had sought
Connemara, " refugium peccatorum .'" as the
priest said when cursing the flock, — had broadly
asserted that the Peninsular army had been
utterly annihilated ; one moiety having peiished
by the sword, while the other, like rotten sheep,
dropped off by hundreds in the hospitals. Could
I be expected to withstand steel, and gunpowder,
and medical trentment, before any of which
Goliath himself would succomb ? No ; she con-
cluded I cumbered the ground no longer, and
was defunct as Julius Caesar.
What could poor JuHa do ? She hated long
nights, had an aversion to ghosts ; and, what
security had she that at the midnight hour I
should not present myself headless at her bed-
side, tell her that a four-and-twenty-pound shot
had, as she might remark, curtailed my fair
proportions, — remind her that our engagement
was " play or pay," — and head or no head, that
IKISH LIFE PICTURES. 77
she was expected to behave Hke a gentlewoman,
and couie to the scratch accordmgly. AVhat was
to be done ? ]\Ir. O'Tool was a thriving man.
He wanted a wife ; and Miss French, as it was
generally supposed, was open to an offer. He
wooed ; she wavered ; the fortress was pe-
remptorily summoned, yielded on honourable
terms, and was taken possession of accordingly.
The shower ceased. The jaunting-car was
ordered. I kissed the stout gentlewoman ; sent
my kind regards to her loving husband. She
headed westward, and until the road intervened
" kissed her lily hand," while I took the opposite
direction.
Before I reached my paternal dwelling a dash-
ing paragraph had announced in the " Galway
Court Journal," that my cousin had led the
elegant and accomplished Miss Arabella Sha-
naghan to the hymeneal altar. The bride's
costume, and the festivities at Castle Crogherty
we take the liberty of passing over. My father
asked no questions ; and I was profoundly silent
on everything I had seen and suffered during my
short inciu-sion into the kingdom of Connemara.
Next morning, fortunately, an order came for me
to repair forthwitli to Belgium. I obeyed it wil-
lingly. Six months rolled on, and Waterloo was
78 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
fought. T passed the trial with a shot throiigli
the shako, and another through the arm. In
Paris, wliither I proceeded with the army of
occupation, I found sundry letters waiting for
me. Mrs. O'Tool had produced two chopping
boys, and, as godfather, according to promise, I
might take my choice ; or, if I had a fancy for a
double adoption, no objection would be offered
to favour me with the brace.
Alas ! the other was a calamitous announce-
ment. The bridal revelry which I had partially
witnessed was followed soon by grief and lament-
ation, and Castle Crogherty was now a house of
mourning. Mrs. Hamerton had levanted, leaving
behind a bereaved husband, but taking with her
some of the house-linen, and the whole of the
silver spoons. A minute description was given
of the lady and the plate ; but, I suppose, as no
reward was specified, neither of the abstracted
articles were returned.
Tf an annual presentation to stock his quiver
should make man happy, IMr. O'Tool has cause
to count himself blessed beyond ordinary mortals,
he becoming in eight brief years undisputed
owner of nine young O'Tools. So much for my
lost love ; and now for a parting notice of my
loving cousin.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 79
What j\[r. Hamerton's secret sufferings were
when he found his lady had levanted, and at
breakfast sickened to observe a pewter substitute
paraded on the table instead of tlie silver im-
plement ^vith which for half a century he had
matitudinally assailed his eggs, it is not for us
to say. He rallied, however, as the next assizes
approached, and laid the usual story of blighted
hopes and ruined happiness before a Galway
jury, who, heartless mortals ! balancing ma-
trimonial deliverance against lost plate, assessed
the damages at a farthing. AVoman's ingratitude
had bruised his spirit; but the attorney's bill,
delivered a week after the verdict, concluded his
history, and broke his heart. Reluctantly lie
made a will, after both priest and doctor had
more than hinted that it was full time his house
should be set in order. It was very short, but
very much to the puipose ; for, as in life he ke})t
his goods and chattels fast together, in death he
did not sunder them. lie bequeathed all that
lie died possessed of — may he repose with the
ri ^-hteous ! — to mc.
80 EUIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
ALBERT MURDOCK.
There was a time, not twenty years ago,
when the land of the West — auctoritate, the
defunct Liberator — was no less celebrated for
the beauty of its daughters than the chivalry of
its sons ; when compared with one of these
feminine daisy-cutters, a Haymarket danseuse
might be objected to as crippled with a corn —
while as to the boys, they were regular broths,
out-and-out, and ready to back themselves
against anything living in executing the Pater-o-
pee* or preparing a private gentleman for the
county infirmary. So far as criminal statistics
go, we agree with the departed patriot ; but in
his opinions touching lines of beauty we hold
the Liberator to be heretical altogether — i.e. if
Canova's or Chantrey's ideas respecting the to
* This is a pas seul very fashionable in the kingdom of Con-
naught, but not, as we believe, often danced at Her Majesty's
Theatre.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 81
kalon were not marvellously erroneous. We are
personally familiar with the " Far West," and
never, with the highest pressure upon the imagi-
nation, could Ave convert a splay-footed gentle-
woman, innocent of shoes and stockings, and
staggering beneath a creel of turf which would
have proved oppressive to a donkey, in transitu
from the bog to that clay-constructed abode of
peace and purity, called in the vernacular, a
cabin — w^e never, we repeat, could in her person
embody those Phidian proportions wdiich poets
delight to dream about and artists to produce.
It pains us to dissent from Mr. Thomas ]\Ioore
but we must sacrifice our courtesy to conscience.
We appertain not to that gang called " Impres-
sionists," — a term which, being rendered into
English, meaneth a penny-a-lincr, — a modest
personage, who will touch you off a county at
so much a day, and do to order the largest of
the United Kingdoms in a fortnight. We give
our convictions emphatically, havhig been born,
indoctrinated, and resident for a quarter of a
century in the Emerald Isle ; and, if necessary,
we hold ourselves ready to depone upon cor[)()ial
oath that there is not a corner of that blessi d
land with which we are not faniilar. With
ever}' gradation of Hibernian society wc profess
E 3
83 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
an intimate acquaintance. We have slept in that
pleasant hostelrie " The Hole-in-the-wall," and
we have been located, but always on compunc-
tion, in the watchhouse of Saint Andrew. Fur-
thermore, we have honoured the Castle with our
presence on a birthnight-ball — ate our spoleeine*
at Donnybrook — had an optic put in mourning
as a digester — and finished the evening, much
to our own satisfaction, with black cockles and
whiskey-toddy at a caravansera, kept by a much
esteemed citizen called Nosey M'Keown.f
Polite as our town experiences have been, let
it be distinctly understood that our rustic infor-
mation and personal knowledge have been infi-
nitely superior. On the summit of Carrig-a-
* A Spoleeine is a mutton-cutlet fished upon requisition, and
the production of the raetallics, from a cauldron sufficiently
capacious to cook a dismembered sheep. The subdivision of the
animal, before it is submitted to the action of hot water, being
so regulated as to meet the numerical demands of the varied
applicants who may favour the tent with their patronage, the
lady presiding at the pot, and armed with a flesh-fork, inserting
the instrument according to order. " A spoleeine for the man in
the white hat," might occasionally be heard ; or, " Mate, Biddy,
jewel ! for a single gentleman and his wife — Stick a tender bit,
for they're reg'lar customers."
f We rather fancy that an English "Impressionist," who
should inquire after these once pleasant whereabouts, would re-
ceive for answer, " where ?"
HUSH LIFE PICTL'RES. 83
binniogc wc have bivouacked for the night, and,
in the first grey mists of morning, shot — " think
of that, Master Brooke !" — that splendid animal,
now extinct there, the Red-deer. We have at
curfew-hour smoked our cigar under the
verandah of our cottage ; and, embowered in
jasmine and honey-suckle, listened, between each
deliberate and composing puft", to the booming
of the bittern from the reedy enclosure of the
little bog-lake, that lay within rifle-range of our
garden-chair. In sooth, our wanderings have
been extensive.
Although Sassenach by descent, we" are Celtic
in ailection, and to the slogan which once
"Frighted the isle from its propriety,"
"justice to Ireland" — we will faithfully respond.
We admire the better qualities of our country-
men, and wc detest many traits of national
character, which we — and from the bottom of
our soul — pronounce to be detestable.
In the production of her children the Green
Isle is really a cai)rieious mamma. This day,
she launches on the world a ])(>lished gentleman,
and the next, a superlative rogue. Where is the
walk of life in which the hishuian will not bo
found jostling his way forward, and that, t(-o,
84 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
regardless whether it may lead to the woolsack
or "end on Tyburn tree." In literature and
science countless are the stars of first magnitude
which the Green Isle has produced. To the
eloquence of her sons how many in the Senate
have listened with breathless attention ? As an
adventurous and successful speculator, the Mile-
sian would seem Fortune's favourite. Irish
estates, and with magical celerity, are trans-
ferred from hand to hand, and of any one of
these ask their simple history. How many will
you not find which have been purchased by
fortunes won in the East, or in some of the
transatlantic colonies, by men who took life's
road without one friend or a second sixpence ?
So far, and for civic life, it would appear that
the Patlander is not nationally disqualified.
We, as we observed before, are personally and
practically acquainted with his failings, and, God
knows ! their name is legion. We will, in his
case, unhappy man ! nothing extenuate, and
nought set down in malice. We will acknow-
ledge his deserts, and w^e will denounce his
delinquencies. Well, passing all other profes-
sions beside, Pat prides himself upon his soldier-
ship. Come — even on that, his favourite stand,
we will enter the arena with him.
IllISII LIFE PICTURES. 85
In Hinijie, we'll smooth liim down bv a verv
flattering admission — and th;it is, that the mili-
tary qualities of an Irishman arc second to none
other upon earth. Were we not afraid of bring-
ing the rest of the world on our back, and,
Davus sum iion QLclipus — we are no Atlas — w^e
would be much inclined to assign him a ship's
character — A 1.
What constitutes the soldier ? Courage and
docility. Pish ! in the bull-dog, that didlcst
thing of the canine race, you will find the first
quality exuberantly developed ; and if you want
docility, view it in any " Happy family" esta-
blishment you encounter at the corner of a
street. Single qualities you can easily obtain,
but it is the associations of evil ones which des-
troy character. Bravery will combine with
blackguardism — and docility, without dash, is
like unseasoned soup — not worth a second in-
dipping of the spoon. A little devilry has some-
times the same properties as red pepper. A
tamely-charactered soldier may be estimable in
the highest degree, but he will seldom be a suc-
cessful one — and, although supercxcellent in the
orderly room, he will be but a slow coach in llie
field.
86 ERIN-GO-BRA GH; OR,
Some twenty years ago I resided in a sweetLy
situated cottage, a couple of miles from a largt';
western market-town. I selected it for my abid-
ing place through fancy — for few besides would.,
as a residence, have accepted it in free gift.
Tts locality was pretty. It stood in an exten-
sive park, covered with old timber and young
plantations, and surrounded with rich meadow-
grounds. The cottage itself was overspread by
ash and elm trees, the growth of centuries, and
these were so thickly colonized with rooks and
herons, that at times their clamorous communings
were deafening. It was, however, a sweet seclu-
sion ; for the eye, on whatever side it ranged,
rested on tree and shrub, green pasturage or rich
meadow.
I said that few, except myself, would have
chosen it for an abiding place. In that dis-
tracted country, beauty is but a secondary con-
sideration. It was straw-roofed — and any who
pleased to try the experiment, could easily insert
a lighted coal within the thatch, even without the
trouble of raising himself on tip-toe. We were
then young and reckless, confident in ourselves,
and deeply embued with Irish indifference. Our
little domicile was an armoury. When we went
to rest, a double house-gun and divers pistols lay
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 87
jvitliin our reach ; but still, though well prepared,
our castle was vulnerable, and we, on every side,
C)pen to assault. Not a window was provided
with a shutter; and sun-blinds are not bullet-
proof. Our bed was on a correct level with the
fl:ravelled walk — and couchant, Ave could have
\)een quietly sent to our account, — the carpet-
like surface of close-mown grass, affording the
murderer every advantage in approaching unchal-
lenged and unheard, and close enough to effect
liis ])urpose. Our dogs were of an unsuspicious
class, setters, and dull greyhounds. We had a
bull-dog, it is true, who would seldom abate his
hold, unless under a nasal application of a heated
j)oker. ]^ut, like all his race, he was a thick-
headed brute — and even if, on apprehended
danger, you awakened him, the chances were,
had an unoffending milch-cow been in sight, he
would have passed the lurking felon without
notice, to fasten on the milky mother.
Such were our own statistics, and now for our
talc.
A year before we occupied our cottage and its
dependencies, we learned that a man, named
Albert Murdock, had ])uicha.scd a small farm —
some dozen acres — from the owner of the estate.
It bouiuh'il a [)ortion of the ilomain — and, liom
88 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
the upper gate of my avenue, was scarcely a bow-
shot's distance. I found that he was a tabooed,
man — hated by all around him — and before I
w^as resident many days, he called at the cottage,
and confirmed the report.
I listened to his story. It was quite clear that
he was persecuted — and for what reasons I had
no right to enter on an inquisitorial research. I
had but one course to follow — and being one of
the King's poor esquires, it was my duty to pro-
tect him. Accordingly, I freely lent him the
light of my countenance — but our alliance was a
brief one.
The man and his history were wrapped in
mystery alike. He came to the neighbouring
town a stranger — represented himself as having
spent early life in foreign parts, and added that
his profession had been a sailor's. His habits
were miserly — and the tale of his independence
might have been doubted, had he not always de-
frayed his trifling expenditure with ready money.
But when he purchased the little farm, and when,
on the signing of the deeds, he produced three
hundred-pound-notes, freshly issued from the
neighbouring bank, then popular opinion took an
opposite turn, and Murdock was declared to be a
man of untold riches. Vulgar himself, he consorted
IRISH LIFE nCTURES. S9
only witli tlic vulgar. The daughter of a low
•butcher took his fancy ; she was, indeed, a fine
animal, and young enough to be his daughter.
He proposed — her affections were another's —
l'<ut, from selfish motives, her fi\mily pleaded
Murdock's cause ; she consented ; and a most
infelicitous marriage was the result.
Quickly, and on both sides, bitter disappoint-
ment followed. The pauper family of the bride,
who, for mercenary motives only, had urged the
marriage on, fancying that the i)urse of the
adopted relative would be open to their calls,
were speedily undeceived, for ]\lurdock, stubborn
as sordid, would not, or under any plea, part
with a single guinea. Need it be marvelled at
then, that ere the waning of the honeymoon, the
close-fisted bridegroom had quarelled with every
rehitive of his wife ; and before a child was born,
that matters had progressed so unhappily, that
all the parties were under penal securities to
keep the peace towards each other? In a word,
Murdock was a sordid savage — and his new re-
latives a disorderly and dissipated gang. At
last, a separation followed — jMurdock having
purchased the farm, lUid retired thitherto avoid
daily insult. l\)j)ular opinion had indeed set in
furiously against him — and if he ap[)eared in the
90 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
street, every finger was scornfully pointed at him
as he passed along. When I took up my abode
at the lodge, Murdock, six months before, had
resided on his lately acquired property. He
tilled the land himself, merely with any acci-
dental assistance that he could obtain from a
passing mendicant — the country people declining-
to hold relations of any kind with one whom the
priest had denounced repeatedly from the altar.
His household comprised two women. The
younger might be reckoned comely, and she was
notoriously his mistress. The elder was her
mother, and the wretched woman connived at
the profligacy of her child. Tabooed by the
anathema of the church, under any circumstances,
Murdock Avould have been avoided by good Ca-
tholics. Everything, however, combined to render
him unpopular. He was not only a parsimo-
nious, but a litigious wretch — and, had I listened
to him, short as our acquaintance was, for the
abstraction of some kalestalk or withered thorn,
I should every day have sent some boy or girl
for larceny to the sessions.
Shortly after our introduction, an occurrence
of ominous complexion occurred. On a piece of
bog-land he had cultivated some early cabbages —
the soil being particularly favourable for produc-
s
\
IRISH ]JFE PICTURES. 91
ing that vegetable — and, as it would Ijc a novelty
in the market, he watched their progress towards
maturity with Jewish anxiety. I had accident-
ally passed the place, and observed to a fellow
who had my greyhounds in a leash, " How for-
^vard Murdock's plants were."*
"Yes," said the fellow, carelessly, in reply,
" they are beauties, it is true — but the divil a
knife the owner will put in them for all that."
A hare started, the dogs were slipped, and
days afterwards I recollected the observation.
It was, as I think, tlie third morning after that,
when at breakfast, my servant intimated that
Murdock wished to speak to me. He was intro-
duced — and he came to announce that his cab-
bages had been mown down the night before.
Tliis act of infernal malice had indeed occuri-ed —
for, on visiting the spot, there they lay, their
destruction being effectually and systematically
completed. Numerous and distinct brogue-marks
in the soft soil, indicated that the party who
committed the outrage must have been, at a low
computation, over twenty persons.
* Plant, in the West of Ireland, is always used to describe a
young cabbage, — iu London, I believe, it means stolen property.
No wonder that foreigners declare they cannot master the
language 1
92
ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
I fired at this atrocious violence — and the
sufferer declared it to be his conviction that his
own life would be the next sacrifice that would
be exacted by the excited peasantry. He was at
home, as he said, well armed; wonld T favour
him with a case of pistols, to protect him when
abroad ? 1 acquiesced, and gave him a brace of
short bull-dogs, carefully loaded.
All I knew of Murdock was by popular report.
He was desperately hated. What was that to
me ? As a magistrate, no charge had been pre-
ferred against him ; while he, ill-starred man !
was ever the complainant. His domestic
differences had not shut him out from the law's
protection. What was Hecuba to me, or I to
Hecuba? I was not called upon to interfere.
There was a bishop's court within thirty miles.
There, let them go — and, if report were true,
there the plucking of the delinquent would be
extensive.
It was the summer fair-day of the town — and
while we were riding quietly through the main
street, a very pretty woman, evidently in great
excitement, seized the horse's bridle, and be^-g^ed
that I would listen to her. I accompanied her
to her father's house. Her tale was short ; she
was Murdock's wife — and her complaint was,
IRISH LIFE nCTURES. 93
that lie had suiTeptitioiisly obtained possession of
the child, under a belief, that were the girl re-
moved, it woidd be a bar against the mother's
claim for maintenance. She added to her com-
plaint, and in aggravation, that the woman to
M'hose charge her child had been confided was
Iiis mistress — and shortly herself to become a
mother.
It was indeed a case at once scandalous and
cruel. I instantly espoused the injured mother's
cause, and, on my return from town, rode directly
to Murdock's residence. I found him standing
at his gate — and, in a few w^ords, told him that I
had had an interview with his wife, and urged
him to return the child, and allow its mother a
maintenance, no matter how trifling in amount.
Rudely he declined my intervention — and
savagely swore that nothing should induce him
to part w^ith the child, or allot one farthing for
the maintenance of her mother. We parted, — I,
in disgust at the brutal developement of the
man's character — and he, anything but comfort-
able at the breach between us, which, as he feared
with fatal foresight, would prove disastrous in
the end.
When I reached home, and gave my horse to
the groom, I desired him to ride back, and
94 ERTN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
demand a return of ray pistols. He did so.
Murdock looked astounded — but, on the message
being repeated, he slowly walked indoors, brought
out the weapons, handed them to the servant, and
muttered, in a low voice, " I have no chance now.
When they hear your master has turned against
me, I know well that ' my chance is like a cat's
in hell without claws." '*
The denouement of the story shall be rapid.
On the following Thursday, the large cattle-
market was holden in the neighbouring town, and
I rode in to attend it. In the course of the day,
it was casually mentioned in my presence, that
Murdock had ventured into the fair, had been
furiously assailed, pelted by a desperate mob, and
had galloped homewards, followed by the as-
sailants as far as a stone would reach him.
Knowing the lawless character of his wife's
family, my wonder was great that the man should
have had the temerity to make the dangerous ex-
periment he had done.
I met accidentally two country gentlemen who
lived some distance from the town — and, as on
their return homewards they must pass my gate,
I invited them to stop for an early dinner. We
* This singular expression was given in evidence at the trial
of the murderers by the person to whom it was addressed.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 95
tnoiinted our horses presently, and, in riding to
the lodge, passed numerous parties of returning
peasants. One party of a different class caught
my eye. They were all young men, and, from
their dress, apparently butchers or blacksmiths.
They wore their ordinary working clothes, and
were hurrying along in the direction of my re-
sidence. Dreading our cook's displeasure did we
exceed the covenanted time, we spurred forward.
Dinner was served and discussed ; our second
tumbler was being fabricated, when in rushed our
butler, his hair on end, his eyes starting from
their sockets, and actually so paralyzed by fright,
as to be alto2;ether inarticulate.
" AMiat the devil's the matter, you staring
fool ? Have these vagabond servants set the
chimney on fire again ? A thatched — "
" No, no ; worse ! — worse !" he contrived to
mutter. " There's murder committed at the
upper gate — that divil whom the clargy cursed,
is done for ; and how could he have better
luck ?"
" Whom do you mean ?"
" ^^lly, Murdock. He's kilt out and out.
God be marciful to him 1 the unfortimate
hathen."
We stopped for no further explanations, but
96 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
hiirriecl to the spot, not distant above a pistol's
shot, by taking short cuts through the plantations.
We reached it in five minutes — and oh ! what a
spectacle the dead man's abode presented !
The scene was fearfully anomalous. Poets
generally associate with murder, midnight, and
darkness, and elemental fury — but here, and in
blessed sunshine — the blackbirds whistling from
the ash-tree, the lesser birds singing merrily from
thorn and copsewood — here was the slaughtered
man, encircled by a pool of blood, which the dry
earth would not imbibe. I never shall forget the
sight as he lay
" His back on earth, his eye towards heaven,"
In life, his countenance was repulsive ; in death,
it was ghastly, hideous ; no term, in fact, could
describe his demoniac expression. Two long
jagged cuts had laid the cheek completely open,
even to a disclosure of the back teeth, but the
mortal injury was a gun-shot wound directly
through the heart. Strange and inexplicable
are the ways of Heaven ! Reader, mark what
follows.
On his return from the fair, Murdock seemed
frightfully excited. He sat down for a few
minutes, during which he kept muttering to
himself. Suddenly, he jumped from the wooden
IRIsn LIFE PICTURES. 97
bench, took his gurs down from the pegs they
rested on, drew the heavy shot with which they
were charged, went outside, squibbed the powder
oflP, returned in doors, cleaned the pans carefully,
and afterwards pricked the touch-holes, reloaded
both with great care ; and, as he finished his
task, and laid the weapons in the corner, he
muttered a prayer, accompanied by a fearful
oath, that " every shot which each gun contained
should pass through the heart it was levelled
at!"
The prayer was heard — and, ere sunset, the
wish was realized !
We entered tlie house ; outside, there was
slaughter — but inside, how shall I describe it ?
Two women, beaten into insensibility, moved
about. They stared with eyes in which there
was no speculation — however they were perfectly
idiotic, and neither could comprehend a question.
Both seemed to recognise me, for they clung to
my arms, and, by looks, seemed to solicit my
protection. I have, in my day, looked upon
death in all the multitudinous forms in which he
makes liis approaches, but there was a savage
character about this nnunlerous scene that far
surpassed all I had witnessed before.
There is no use dwelling on a disgusting sulj'
VOL. I. K
9S ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
ject. We — and we are proud to say so — brought
a couple of the murderers to the gallows — the
rest found shelter in the land of the Free, and
under the stars and stripes are no doubt respected
and valuable citizens.
The romance of this sanguinary, but not un-
common transaction in Ireland, remains to be
narrated.
On investigating the property that the house
contained, nothing could exhibit in stronger light
the character of the murdered owner. All bore
the look of penury. Not a particle of beef,
bacon, or fish, was hanging, ut mos est, in the
chimney. There was neither bread, tea, nor
sugar — not even a candle; and all that the
wretched inmates consumed, to judge by ap-
pearances, were oatmeal cakes and dairy produce.
There was a huge sea-chest in the corner of the
bed-room, jealously secured by double padlocks.
The keys were found in the dead man's pocket,
and I had the box unlocked. Its contents were
chiefly nankeen clothing, adapted for a warm
climate, and other articles of no account.
Where were the imaginary riches of the mur-
dered miser ? Pshaw ! his wealth was ideal after
all. We examined a small till, and there, rolled
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 99
upon a short round stick, we found government
securities for over 2000/.
Several years afterwards, when on a visit in
the north of IrcUuid, an elderly gentleman called
upon me and introduced himself. After some
cursory conversation, he said,
" I perceive, by the newspapers, that you were
much mixed up with that horrible aifair — I mean
Murdock's murder."
" Indeed, unliappily too much so."
" Know you who the man was?"
" No more than you do."
" Probably not half so much," and the stranger
smiled.
" Indeed ?"
" I knew him well, and many a long year
since. His name was Albert. Murdock was a
name assumed."
" He met a miserable end," I said.
" And one that he deserved to meet."
I exliibited some surprise, while the stranger
thus continued -. —
" I was master and part owner of a country
trading-ship, and jNlurdock, as we will call him.
r 2
100 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
was a pilot in the River Ganges. He was a
skilful and sober man, but everybody wlio knew
him disliked, nay, detested him. His resilence
was on the river-bank, and one night he was
detected carrying the body of a native servant
towards the water in a sack, the skull having
been fractured by some blunt implement. His
intention, no doubt, was to throw the corpse into
the stream, and that effected, all chance of de-
tection would be over. It now transpired that
several young females who had lived with him
had all mysteriously disappeared ; and there was
reason to conjecture from report that these mis-
sing women were enceinte when they vanished.
It would occupy time uselessly to tell you by
what accidental omissions in the criminal pro-
ceedings the murderer escaped; and it would be
libellous, perhaps, to add that money, as it was
believed, had been liberally administered, and
that it had not been employed in vain. By a
miracle he saved his neck — but in India his
career was ended. His pilot's licence was taken
away, and he was avoided as a leper. To remain
in the country would have been sheer madness ;
but how was he to leave it ? Not a home-bound
vessel would receive him — for two or three ap-
plications that he made were scornfully rejected.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 101
How he managed to smuggle himself away at
last I cannot tell ; but when that ruffian gang
sent him to his account, they were but tools in
the hands of that just and retributive Providence
which, inscrutable in His workings and His
wisdom, metes in the appointed time a full
measure of His wrath upon the murderer."
I mentioned that I found some 2000/. in the
house of the wretchctl victim. Reader, mark
again what follows. The hackneyed saw declares,
that what comes over the old gentleman's back,
is sure to disappear in an opposite direction.
Dying intestate, his farm — a life interest — re-
verted to tlie landlord, and his chattle property
to his wife and child. Imprimis, the latter passed
into the possession of the widow, through the
agency of a hungry attorney. Well, the lawyer,
previously a Sunday man,* was enabled to pay
off his debts, and confront the sheriff on any day
of the seven ; while the disconsolate widow and
her family led a roaring life, and, save when the
male portion were in the county gaol for assault
and 1)attery, they never could be accused of doing
an hour's work, or, throughout an entire day, of
being exactly sober. In five brief years, of that
* A man unable to appear through liehls.
102 EUIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
ill-acquired wealth, not five pounds could have
been scraped together !
If ever a reprint of that old black letter —
(Sot W OT^ratfje aflainst Muti\)tx.
be given to the world, Murdock's tragic history
would form a fitting pendent.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 103
DIONYSIUS O'DOGIIERTY, ESQ.
"WITH A FhW EXTRACTS FROM HIS DIARY.
Marvellous are the differences in man's
tastes. A biitclie]''s boy considers that mortal
fehcity Hcs in witnessing a brindled bull-bitch
destroy half a hundred hocussed rats in some
dog-pit, whose locahty is near unto Smithficld.
A sailor declines a shipmate's invitation to an
early breakfast, including attendance on an exe-
cution at the Old Bailey. His vessel drops
down the river on the evening tide ; and as he
is always infelicitous in the pleasure hue, much
as he should be delighted to see the man
hanged, still, obedient to the call of duty, he
must forego a morning's innocent amusement.
Without even a pretence of business, an liish-
man will travel twenty nules to attend a fair,
leaving his placens uxor to sod the potatoes in
104 EUIN-GO-BRAGH ; OK,
liis absence. At curfew liour, if lie be not
moribund in the county hospital, he returns
home sadder than when he departed at cock-
crow — the police — bad luck attend the inventor
of them ! having spoiled a beautiful faction-fight
between the Carneys and the Callaghans ; and
one of the villains, to wit the police, having also
made an intercostal insertion with a bayonet on
his person that will prevent him — Lord look
do^^^l upon the family ! from sticking a spade in
the sod for the next " month of Sundays." An
" Ebrew Jew" obtains the sweet voices of a
majority of cockney Christians — presents him-
self, rejoicing, at the door of the Commons
House — is told that there is no admission there
for ''the twelve tribes" — that everything asso-
ciated with Petticoat Lane is utterly tabooed —
and the sweetest singer that ever warbled in a
synagogue will not, in Saint Stephen's, be al-
lowed to favour that assemblage of collective
wisdom with a single quaver. " A gentleman
from Ireland " — observe the distinction — not an
Lish gentleman — on the look out for the me-
talics matrimonially, drops upon the very article
he wants — namely, an heiress, — in the Rams-
gate boat. In military parlance, he pushes his
approaches vigorously — and before " the Gem"
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 105
has reached the Forehand, between hot love and
a very nasty sea, the hady yields to the double
assault, and surrenders at discretion — granting
permission to the gallant Captain — a gentleman
on the half-pay list of that distinguished corps,
the Horse Marines — to break the matter to
dear papa the next morning. Until the correct
hour for the call upon the " old Governor" shall
arrive. Captain O'Driscol dawdles over his
Congo and the "Times." Alas! it is decreed
that the hymeneal embassy won't come off after
all — for, in the morning paper he is informed
that Emanuel Stubbs, currier, leather-cutter,
and chapman, of Back Lane, Bermondsey, is
honoured with a leading-place in the day's
" Gazette" — not as Lieutenant-Colonel of the
Lumber Troop — but an intimation that he has a
free permission from Mr. Commissioner Black,
or Brown, or Green, to appear before him, or
any of them, on an early day, and, then and
there, deliver in due form, a full account of his
stewardsliip.
Mr. Tomkins, the eminent melter in ]\Iint-
allcy, has been apprized by the early delivery
post, that his valued correspondent, Mr. Snob-
son, will pay an afternoon visit to the modern
Babylon. But last week, he, Tomkins, for-
F 3
106 ERIX-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
warded to him, SDobson, fifty casks of " yellow
Eussia," and who can tell what a tallow dealer's
luck may be, or say that as many of "white
Petersburgh" may not be added to the tale.
Accordingly, Mr. Tomkins prepares for the ad-
vent of his respected friend — forwards a turbot
from Leadenhall Market to his residence in
Doughty Street, accompanied by a lobster, with
an earnest entreaty to the cook, that the fish-
kettle shall be watched, and that, too, carefully
as the cot of an only child in the last stage of
scarlatina. The hour comes, but not the man —
the writing is already on the wall — and the de-
cree is posted in Tate's ledger, and Mr. Emanuel
Snobson will never more insert a leg under
Timothy Tomkins' mahogany. The postman's
knock is heard next door. Mr. T., who has
carefully brushed his hat, and actually assumed
his umbrella, merely waits for an expected let-
ter. He is not disappointed. An epistle is
delivered, but it is innocent of the anticipated
order upon Spooner, Atwood, and Company,
and Cometh from the respected rustic who was
to have been at four o'clock in Doughty Street,
there to be a demolisher of turbot, and all that
formeth the pleasant adjuncts to the same. Mr.
Snobson intimates that he hath been afflicted
IRISH LirE riCTURES. 107
with monetary disappointments, and, conse-
quently, that he can neither come to London or
the scratch ; but he trusts that by a liberal in-
dulgence from his creditors, with six or eight
months' leisure to wind-up, by mercantile exer-
tions on his part, which rarely have been
equalled and never shall be surpassed, he will
pay all claimants on his estate a dividend of
nincpence halfpenny in the pound. Is not that
pleasing intelligence for the fish-fancier ? a man,
who in the plenitude of mercantile confidence,
not three hours before, had invested twelve and
sixpence in a turbot, and secured a beauty of a
lobster, by the further outlay of half-a-crown !
Indeed, there is no certainty in su])lunary
events, nor can any sure dependence be reposed
in mortal wisdom. Jews have been victimized
to their hearts' content ; and Quakers done
brown as the garment of sombre hue, which
protected the nether extremities of their out-
ward man.
It might be supposed, that to their own
species, male delinquencies should and would be
restricted ; but, in her sex's licl})lessness, woman
cannot calculate on security from the unscru-
pulous rapacity of a determined fortune-seeker.
Irishmen, en masse, have been falsely accused
108 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
of being matrimonial adventurers — and that
eliarge, like many others brought against them,
is generally unfounded.
Debarred ourselves by professional and pru-
dential considerations from entering into the
honourable estate, still we regard matrimony
with proper respect ; and we feel convinced that
Avhen it can be prudently effected, it offers
through after life the smoothest path a human
])ilgrim can select to travel to the narrow house
by.
Dionysius Dogherty was pretty much of our
own opinion. Aiino (Btatis, Dion was on the
verge of twenty-five, in height six feet two, and
for his weight, a tip-top rider. He had never
been accused of craning a fence even by an
enemy ; and his pistol practice was much ad-
mired, as he could take the centre point out of
the nine of diamonds at twelve paces. He
played very passably on the fiddle — tied a kill-
ing salmon-fly — there was not a better hurler in
the barony — and at love-making he was the
devil himself — or why should Father Paul Mac-
greal have cursed him from the altar once a
quarter as he did regularly ?
And yet, no matter how the clergy, priest,
and parson, may abuse it, love-making is a
IRISH LTFE PICTURES. 100
pleasant way of passing an idle hour. In point
of fact, how could an Irish gentleman fill up
time and get on without it? Down comes,
what they call in the Highlands, " a spaight ;"*
the water is turbid as sour porter; and the
boldest salmon would not touch the most artful
fabrications of feathers with his tail. The gun
is useless as the fishin2;-rod — for no bird will
repose himself on the saturated surface. The
grouse become evanescent at a quarter of a
mile — and snipes go off in a wisp, before the
most prudent pointer can approach within long
rauQ-e. Men will not, and horses cannot, follow
hounds, bogged every second stride to the saddle
girth. The post comes in but twice a week —
the piper, from heavy exertions at the last pat-
tern, is laid up in pleurisy. There is no club-
house for an Irish gentleman to repair to, and
the nearest bilhard-room is distant twenty miles.
He may clean over every gun in tlic house, mend
an ohl wheelbarrow, listen to his grand aunt
giving an account of her first appearance in
pubhc at tlie state-ball at the Dublin llotunda,
tifty-seven years ago. His mother may labour
hard at the nettiiig-frame — the priest mutter
some formula from his missal, and cross himself
* Anglici, a tliuuder shower.
110 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
for exercise, as he moves from the window to the
door — but what can an Irish gentleman do?
No placens uxor to fondle — no image of himself
to whip — no friend with whom to play back-
gammon or blind-hookey. Nothing but a choice
of evils is left. He must drink his right hand
against his left — or make love in the gate-house.
Dionysius O'Dogherty, by birth and educa-
tion, was a gentleman. His progenitor came
over with the Phoenicians, and his mother was
an heiress of the O'Tools — a lady of large ex-
pectations, which are, as Naty Kelley the attor-
ney declared, certain to be realized. Yet, an
Irish chancellor is a very slow coach — and the
fidelity with which he secures all property com-
mitted to his safe-keeping is exemplary. Fifty
years have passed since Mrs. O'D. was com-
mitted to his, the chancellor's safe custody, and
a king and a chancellor are immortal. They
never become legally defunct — and every suc-
cessor to the great seal, holds it to be a bounden
duty to hand to the learned Theban who shall
succeed him, after a reign of five-and-twenty
years, all impounded stocks, cash, and securities,
precisely as he received them himself. Virgil
declares that a man once lodged in Pandemo-
nium is a safe fixtiu'e there. He would be
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. Ill
equally so in a Court of Equity. In both cases,
the analogy is striking — any man anxious to get
into hell or chancery can do so easily — " iacilis
dccensus est." Within half a term an attorney,
or Hygaeist, will do the trick, while the angel
Gabriel could not liberate client or patient once
there, even to the Greek Kalends. But to
return to Dionysius.
Circumstances evoke men's energies, and
Dionysius, who might have tied flies, made love,
and i)layed the fiddle for another quarter of a
century, was roused by necessity to exertion,
lie was the spes ultiina of the house, and that
of O'Dogherty was trembling in the balance.
Dancerous-lookinn; wafer-sealed letters arrived
by every post, and most of them were indited
upon the moiety of a sheet of foolscap. The
head of the O'Dogherties had evidently no fancy
to collect autographs — for, interesting as the
morning's correspondence might be, it w\as com-
mitted invariably to the fire, and generally with-
out l)eing read. The time-honoured establish-
ment evidenced uiunistakeable symptoms of
monetary tightness — and, at last, the king's
portrait upon metal, white or yellow, became
almost a curiosity. Money must be had, and
where was it to come from ? Tradition named
112 EllIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
divers places in the neighbourhood, where pots
of gold had been formerly discovered. Nobody
in existence, however, had seen the specie — and
to rummage an Irish bog on speculation would
be an unsafe provision for a bill approaching to
maturity- California was then unknown, and
even had its mineral treasures been disclosed,
they would have profited Dion nothing. He
was not a digger, never having sodded a potato
in his life. It was a well-established fact, that
two heiresses had been imported, respectively,
from Cheapside and Cheltenham, within a dozen
years. Surely the stock was not exhausted yet
• — and the choice only lay between a city ball
and the pump-room of a watering-place.
Great men keep diaries — solicitors, accou-
cheurs, bailiffs, betting-men, west-end waiters,
and Grentlemen who take the omnibus census from
the door of a public-house. Mr. Pepys recorded
all diurnal transactions, and so did Mr. Diony-
sius O'Dogherty — his nocturnal ones inclusive —
when he happened in the morning — to be suffi-
ciently sober to hold a pen.
These valuable memoranda were indited for
tlie edification of two cousins, who were over
six feet, and totally unprovided for. These
young gentlemen, halted between two opinions
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. ^ 11 '3
at the time, whether to j^rocced to the country
of kangaroos at once, or repair to London, try
the matrimonial market — and, if that failed, list
in the Life Guards.
DIARY OF DIONYSIUS O'DOGHEllTY, ESQ.
July 2nd. — Arrived in London. One light
portmanteau and a carpet-bag. Weather warm.
Upper garments a bore. If faith may be placed
in advertisements, paletots are plenty. 1 have
been told that you should always come to town
in light marching order, for fashions change
every week, to the crown ex pede. Mr. Moses
will fit you out in fifteen minutes. The designs
— some, as it has been whispered, from the
b\n'in of the Prince Consort, and the material,
from the central portion of the Black Forest,
where Thibet wool has been brought to the ultra
limits of perfection. No trouble as to measm-e-
ment. Cards and jjlniii directions sent by post.
The twist of a shoulder, or heigiit of the hump,
only recpiired to be accurately defined, and a
correct lit warranted. Messrs. Moses' system
being Shakspearian — "pitch iiiid pay " — a post-
office order, or a reference for cash in town
114 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
indispensable. Take the address correctly, seve-
ral Moseses being in the market. No security
else that you hit on the real Hebrew. All sport
long noses, and keep a poet — one who will write
a sonnet to a pair of trousers in ten minutes.
Garments in the east are manufactured rather
with regard to elegance than durability. Are
you a betting man ? lay you ten sovs. — that in
two turns round a potato field, your nether habi-
liments, like Nora Crina's petticoat, will be ' float-
ing loose as mountain breezes.' Well, fashion
is fugitive — and why should Mr, Moses entail
upon you a garment that should outlast Ajax's
bull-hided shield, which, like Mr. Widdicomb's
wig, stood the wear and tear of half a century ?
July 4:th. — The first care of a gentleman from
Ireland, after a safe deposit of his person in his
hotel, is to make himself acquainted with equine
and carriage statistics — the amount of a tiger's
outfit — and whether a ready- furnished house in
Berkeley-square — eveiy conveniency and elegance
duly guaranteed — club apartments — or plain
west-end lodgings at six guineas a week should
be his selection. Let him, if he be prudent,
go into lodgings ; but, curse them — I mean
mean the proprietors — they have a nasty fashion
of sending in a weekly bill. What a deal of
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 1]5
trouble it would save to all concerned, were this
stupid ceremony enacted only once a quarter !
July C)th. — Men visit London with very oppo-
site intentions. Some come to look for money,
and others come to spend it. Light baggage, as
I assume yours to be, generally is accompanied
with short credit. You probably, have no banker
to refer to — therefore, take an early opportunity
to insinuate to the waiter, that your business in
the modern Babylon is to administer to the last
will and testament of your aunt Deborah — and
sell out (if so advised) £46,000 135 S^d— and
invest the same in lands, tenements, and houses.
July 1th. — Saw in the morning paper adver-
tised a pleasure excursion to Richmond — there
and back again, ticket 25. Q>d. A quadrille band
— select company — every delicacy of the season
at a low figure — obliging waiters — and the gene-
ral respectability of the concern attested by seven-
teen licensed victuallers, whose signs and names
were duly attached. The city is the place for
money — the regular aragud sheish* Repaired
to Ilungerford Market — end)arked — total absence
of the aristocracy — so much the better — no mat-
ter — we have blood enough at home — all we want
is a little suet. Up through Westminster Bridge
* Artfflice, rc.idy luoucy.
116 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
— dancing intimated — ball opened by a gentle-
man in a monkey jacket, and vest illustrated
with parrots and birds of Paradise. I cannot
dance, although a young lady has kindly proposed
to me — and I have veiy reluctantly declined the
honour, being lamed by an angry corn and tight
boot — a great misfortune — for fortune may have
tluis eluded my grasp, through the agency of
constricted calf-skin. Looked mournfully at " the
gay fantastic throng." / cannot figure there.
Off go the leading couple — for the opening per-
formance is a contre danse. Heaven grant nie
patience ! The villain who leads a lady in canary-
coloured gros de Naples down the centre, is the
pedal assassin ! He, promising, when I protested
against tightness over the centre toe, that with
half-an-hour's wear his accursed boots would fit
" Like a Limerick glove."
Is it — or rather, should it be — murder, to throw
an 1 Ss. 6d. shoemaker into the Thames — he hav-
ing lamed you for life ? I opine not. Is it just
that a domestic invasion shall cost the inflict or a
thousand pounds, and that you may be lamed for
life, and your solicitor tell you an action will not
lie ? How anomalous is English jurisprudence !
For deliverance from a lady wife who has kicked
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 117
over the traces, you are coiuforted with a cash
consideration — while any felonious bootmaker
niay render you eligible for " the town's end,"
without exposing himself to the penalties of the
statute against cutting and maiming ! What a
humbug is British law ! The malicious damage
of a wooden leg will warrant either civil or cri-
minal proceeding, while a fabricator of what the
fancy politely term " trotter-cases," may cripple
you for life, and laugh at you for complaining.
July dth. — Came home — marvelled at that de-
pletion of the purse so incident to a residence in
London. I have now but half a score sovereigns
left. Saints and angels ! I have not one —
pocket picked by a very respectable-looking clergy-
man who sat beside me in the omnibus. Applied
to the waiter for a loan ; with reluctance he ad-
vanced a guinea — and intimated that from eter-
nal spoliation, the most faithful of the pantler
tribe had become infidels at last.
July 12th. — Receive a small remittance — can-
not stand a west-end hotel another fortnight —
move, therefore, to private lodgings, as I am told
in London you can live comfortably upon half
nothing, if you only know the way to do it.
Took apartments in Street — landlady in-
telligent and obliging, with sandy hair, and three
118 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
interesting daughters. Plate scarce — asked for
a second table-spoon — one implement not being
correctly adapted for discussing stewed eels and
currant pudding. Maid of all work, Irish — great
affection for the ould country — very communica-
tive, and we converse in the vernacular — which,
to the rest of the household, is an unknown
tongue. She advises me to be off to-morrow —
landlord coming to distrain next day. He will
get the cumbrous articles — namely, kitchen table,
metal boiler, and the water-butt — for an uncle of
the landlady has kindly taken charge of plate
and linen. I may easily ascertain the domicile
of this affectionate relative — corner shop, with a
triad of golden balls above it. Women meet with
sympathy — a most obliging Jew will remove the
heavier furniture at twelve p.m. Mem., never
take apartments in the house of any gentlewoman
whose hair even approximates to auburn.
July ISth. — Beat a safe retreat, and established
my household gods in a domicile of a different
description. Nothing Scandinavian about the
proprietrix — eye, nose, and colour, marking her
unmistakeably a daughter of the family of pro-
mise. Nothing can be more satisfactory than
the character she gives herself. She is scrupu-
lously conscientious — and as she cannot be ac-
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 119
countable for servants — implores me to be careful
in locking up. 1 have not sported deaf adder to
the hint, and yet my brandy-bottle is decidedly
consumptive. Can it be evaporation — depres-
sion ? three inches and a half since morning.
Hinted the singularity of this alcohohc phenome-
non to the maid-of-all-\vork, and received a con-
fidential whisper, that missus had a duplicate key
for every lock in the house. Further, that she
was much addicted to broiled flat-fish — ciamp in
the stomach consequent, and a little brandy, neat
first, and burnt afterwards, was always a panacea
for these abdominal visitations. We have, also,
a devil of a cat — curious, Ijut mischievous ani-
mal — he unlocked the safe last niiilit, and
levanted with a duck larger than himself. Colo-
nel O'Shaughnessy, who had been iny predeces-
sor, being under medical advice, was ordered
much physic, and a generous regimen. He com-
plained bitterly of abstracted soups and jellies ;
and it was a singular fact, that though medicine
came in by the dozen, he never could trace an
invalid pliial, and j)ill-boxes were scrupulously
respected. Tlicrc was also tlie same spirituous
evaporation incident to his decanters that have
alllicted mine — and on returning after a week's
absence, hall' u tluzeii of curious old port iiad
120 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
miraculously levanted, and even with their corks
and bottles. I drink but weak tea, and yet the
eternal demands on Twining are astounding.
July 9th. — Caught old Nancy in the act — Hp
and bottle united like the Siamese twins. Have
moved accordingly — selected Highgate - hearing
it was equally celebrated for pure air and rustic
innocence. There one can inhale pure breezes,
a rural walk, and
" Breast the keen air, and carol as he goes," —
should he have any propensity to indulge in sweet
sounds. No innovation on his purse — no men-
dicant to interrupt his quiet meditations with
vexatious importunity — he may pick buttercups
under any hedge, and no policeman order him to
" move on," — and in his solitary ramblings he
has nothing to dread but a gipsy fortune-teller,
and a sticking cow.
July nth. — Never more astray in my calcu-
lations. Encountered at the corner of a green
lane by a butcher's boy and runaway horse —
carried home — put to bed — and on being restored
to sensibility, received a comfortable assurance
from the practitioner that I had great reason to
rejoice three only of my ribs were dislocated,
and in two months there w^as every reason to
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 121
expect tliat I might take gentle exercise on a
crutch.
Juhj Idth. — ITow widely learned Pundits
differ in the treatment of diseases, and advocate
the most opposite theories. 1 have a brace of
advisers. One insists upon Thames water by the
gallon — a ninety-seventh portion of a grain of
calomel having been pi'cviously infused — the
other recommends rump-steaks, Guinness's
XXX, and a bottle of old port afterwards. I
lean to the latter — " water swells a man," — and
Napoleon never detested calomel more heartily
than I do. I'll follow the advice of No. 2.
Strange how doctors will disagree ! In practice,
the [)olcs are not more apart — ^but in one thing
they harmonize in opinion, and act upon it re-
ligiously, i. e. never to decline a sovereign.
July 20ih. — Ventured into town — can manage
matters with a stick — tired of Highsate —
butcher's daughter opposite makes strong love,
and when I retire from the window she inditeth
an epistk;. I wish she would place a stamp upon
the corner — for three per diem would consume a
private's pension. D — n it, I might stand the
nuisance if she stuck to prose — but latterly she
has come out in poetry. I'm off to-morrow.
July '2\st. — The youngei- of the Griskin
VOL. I. G
122 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
family favoured me with an evening call — a letter
of his sister's was discovered, and he wishes to
know are my intentions honourable, — whether I
have any trade, or am a servant out of place.
Replied by discharging a boot-jack at him — a
dead hit and black eye —
" So much for Buckingliam !"
July 22ncl. — Before Mr. Allspice, a retired
grocer and justice of the peace, and bound over
to be of the peace for twelvemonths to the Griskin
family, young and old, in the penal sum of £20.
July 2'3rd. — Located in a sky parlour in
Jermyn-street, and hope that in a few weeks I
shall be right upon my pins again. Ran against
a gentleman in Pall Mall, to whom, when he was
a detached subaltern, I had three years before
been a little civil. Curse the receiver ! We were
not then under his tender care, and could offer a
fat goose, leg of mutton, and warm bed, to any
gentleman who would accept them, and the
longer he stayed, the better. Eheu ! mutatus —
as the poor priest often said.
July 2^th. — Accepted my friend's invitation to
go down to Wales — quiet and change of air will
be the life of me — start accordingly this evening.
Aug. \st. — A week in the country — how beau-
tiful the mountain scenery is, and what a splendid
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 123
woman his sister ! She has £30,000 in her own
right — and, blessed Anthony ! what a foot and
ankle !
Aug. Srd. — The stick is discarded — Dion's
himself again !
Aug. 5th. — Day named for my departure.
Ah! Julia, would to Heaven I were owner of a
coronet, and it should be laid incontinently at
vour prettv feet. But honour bright, Dion !
You have no pretensions to an heiress — no at-
tempt on your part to sneak into any family in
the empire shall be made — you must not com-
promise all you can lay claim to — your honour ;
and thank God ! that is still your own.
Aug. Gth. — Julia seems dispirited — as to me,
I ajn dull as Moor ditch. ISIy friend opines that
I am not in marching order yet, and avers that
another week will make me quite ready for the
road. A slight denmr has been oflfered to the
proposition — overruled — as they say in law —
unpacked the portmanteau.
Aug. 1th. — I hold strong suspicions that 1
have found favour in Julia's sight.
Aug, Sth. — Doubt upon the subject dissipated,
for in an evening stroll through the hazle coppice,
the murder has come out.
"And so you are determined It) leave to-
o -2
124 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
morrow. Will you not extend your visit a few
days longer ?" Accent strong upon the word
will, with a furtive inquiry by a side glance from
an eye, bright and black as a Border gipsy's.
" Alas ! Miss Julia, I must reluctantly drag
myself from this sweet seclusion, and your fair
self — to return to that racketty and rascally
metropolis."
" And do you really like the country ? Would
you not weary of solitude like ours ?"
" Were I arbiter of my own destinies, sweet
Julia, T would bid farewell to ' the flaunting
town' for ever."
" And why not adopt a rural life — and — "
" Because, my fair friend, circumstances im-
periously forbid it. I have no concealments,
Julia — and cannot recall to memory an act that
should redden my cheek. W^hy then withhold
from you, a full disclosure ? Others have wrecked
my fortunes, and reduced what should have been
a goodly property to little beyond the name. A
few years will close the history of an ancient
family — and the roof-tree of the O'Dogherties,
w^hich covered my ancestors for five centuries, ere
long will shelter the stranger who shall purchase
our reduced inheritance. Julia, I am young —
my spirits are elastic — my health vigorous — the
IRISH LIFE PICTUUES. 125
world's a wide one — and while youth and health
encourage the essay, I will find my way to inde-
pendence, or, at least the attempt shall be stoutly
made. Should I succeed, 1 will secure at least
an humble home wherein to wear the winter of
my life away, when these black hairs have
changed to grey, and age demands repose. If
not, I sliall console myself by thinking that al-
though the essay failed it was from no lack of
energy on my part. I may succeed — as broken
ships as mine have come to port ; and if the bark
founder, why thousands of nobler argosies have
gone down before my paltry skiff."
Nature's eloquence surpasses that of the
school's immeasurably ; and mine came gushing
from the heart. Julia, in smothered sobs, bore
mute testimony to the antiquated truism, that
artless pleading like —
" Silence, in love, will more avail,
Than words, however witty ;"
while I — an impulsive animal — caught her to my
breast, and, tell it not in Gath ! pressed my li[)s
most impudently to hers,
" and yet she chid not."
In sublunary affairs there is no security. That
thicket was cut out, as it would seem, for love's
confessional. The blackl)ird whistled, niul a
126 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
dozen minor birds warbled to the best of their
ability : who, then and there, could suspect that
aught but love was waking; but, as the little
god is described as being rather stout and
plethoric, he might have been taking a sleep
after dinner — and small blame to him.
" Julia, I must leave you."
" Upon my soul you shall not, Mr. O'Dogherty,"
said a voice from behind the clump of ever-
greens. " I can't remove the sombrero from the
knave of spades — nor is there time to practise,
more Hibernico, at a chalked-out man upon a
barn-door — "
I interrupted him.
" You fancy that you have cause to upbraid
me with — "
" For fancy, say feel. This angle in the plant-
ation is a cul-de-sac. What brought me there
is immaterial. But there T have been imprisoned
— lost my own liberty in mine own domain — and
am threatened with the loss of my sister also.
Pray, sir, what pretensions can you advance to
seek this lady's hand ?" and his gravity was
imperturbable.
" None, sir," I answered, calling dignity to
my aid. " In fortune none — in all besides, I
feel myself your equal."
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 127
" And let me demand by what authority you
dared to touch her hps ?"
Juha and I looked extremely foolish.
" I— I— I—"
" Oh ! curse your stammering," and he burst
into a roar of laughter as he looked at us. " Be
off, Julia. Supper on the table in ten minutes,
or I'll demolish the household ; and, worthy sir,
if you think that love and a grilled chicken will
harmonize, I pray you to accompany the lady."
Supper passed over. Neither Julia nor I was
on a bed of roses ; and she hastily retired, bidding
us good night. A\ illiams shoved the brandy-
flask across the table.
" They said, while I was shooting in the
Highlands last year, that ' a brandered grous
required a gude drappie ;' and, as I suppose, a
grilled chicken also demands its concouiitant in
brandy-and-water. I was not this evening an
intentional eaves-dropper; 1)ut, blockaded in my
own premises, and my aural functions being
correct, I could not play deaf adder. Let us
understand each other, ]\Ir. O'Doghcrty. i\Iy
sister is my ward — and in that trust my duty
will require that every shilHng — namely, 20, ()()(»/.
— shall be rigidlyscttled for matrimonial |)nrp()S('s.
I'rom some accidental remarks which fell from
128 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
you, I regret to say that I must conclude your
paternal property is seriously embarrassed.
Might not a lady, whose fortune was more dis-
posable, suit better than my sister ?"
My face flushed. I could have knocked him
down.
" Now don't be angry. My sister's fortune
is, and shall be tied up strictly ; 5000Z., I fancy,
would not liquidate the claims upon that devil-
may-care concern, in which I ate the finest
turkeys, drank the best poteeine, and slept in as
snug a bed as ever a tired snipe-shooter reposed
in — I mean your family abiding place. Now
can you raise the money ? Do that — come with
a cleared title — and we'll talk of matters touchins;
matrimony hereafter. Come, pass the brandy
" I fear," I replied, sotio voce, " that what you
propose is an Augean task, and I am no Her-
cules."
" How much would clear the encumbrances.
Five thousand ?"
I shook my head.
"Six?"
Another shake.
"Curse it, speak out, man. Is the estate
worth redemption, eh ?"
" Billy Davis," I replied, as subdued as a
53
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 159
well-whipped school -boy, " mentioned that, if
properly applied, 8000/. would remove every
claim."
He took a couple of turns across the room.
" Yoii must — and it sounds an inhospitable
annunciation — abridge your visit here. No
meeting with my sister. I shall order the car-
riage to-morrow morning in time to catch the
London coach — and you shall carry in the mail
bag a letter to Messrs. " and he named
some eminent solicitors. " Call at their office on
your arrival, and my decision, as guardian and
brother, shall be then and there waiting for you.
Take — what did you call it in Ireland dog —
dochy
" Dock an durris."
" That dock an durris often settled me. Well,
no more. Was not the coursing excellent. I
would not part with my brindled bitch to be
made a captain in the militia."
I filled my glass mechanically — and would not
have cared if the brindled bitch had broken her
own back, and not that of the timid animal that
Cowj)er weeps over in maudlin poetry.
Aug. \'2th. — I reached London, after violating
the injunctions of my brother elect, by obtaining
an interview with the fair Julia, and receiving a
G 3
130 ERIN-GO-BllAGH ; OR,
most comfortable assurance, that, like Tony
Lumpkin's filial obedience, her deference to her
guardian should be exemplary, provided she
should be permitted to have everything her own
way. Although a midnight meeting in a lady's
chamber might be considered by the fastidious
as not exactly selon la regie — still, on our part, a
rigid attention to decorum was observed — for
Julia's maid sate at the top of the stairs outside,
not only to sanction the interview, but also to
tap at the door on the first movement of an in-
trusionist.
On reaching London, I presented my cre-
dentials to the lawyers in Lincoln's-Inn, and
found that a letter was there waiting for me. It
was from Julia's brother, and it ran thus —
" My dear O'Dogherty,
" I fancy you are a better hand at making
love — maiming a private gentleman honourably —
and fencing a stiff country, than in disentangling
the complicated liabilities inflicted generally on
an Irish estate. Now, in full confidence, touch-
ing the candour of your confessions, I have
directed my solicitors to dispatch an astute agent
instanter, to wipe off the encumbrances on your
family property — and also to tie your worthy
IRISH LIFE PICTURKS. 131
father down neck and heels ; so that when a per-
fect deHverance shall be effected, he shall go and
sin no more. Indeed, there is little fear of future
laches on his part. The gout will be a tolerable
security against exuberance in his orders to the
w hie- merchant — and, as he is not younger, and
as I hear considerably fatter than when I was a
recipient of his hospitality, I presume he would
not venture to ride after a rheumatic fox — ergo,
we are secure against extravagance in horse-flesh.
" If you can manage to keep out of trouble for
a week, at the end of that period it is my in-
tention to proceed to town, and take charge of
you for the present.
" I want private lodgings any place near Bond-
street, including suitable accommodation for my
sister, who intends to accompany me to town,
and by a large investment in gloves and ribands
give declining trade a powerful impetus. —
Yours, &c."
" I have given every information and full in-
structions to the lawyers — and Mr. Sharpsct, the
junior partner, has started on his Irish mission."
Au(j. Wth. — Despatches from the gem of the
13:2 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
ocean — Ireland, to wit — tliey are satisfactory —
half the alleged claims upon my father prove fic-
titious—they are chiefly bills of costs — and, in
most cases, four times charged out of five, turn
out mere fabrications. Mr. Sharpset has used
the pruning knife unmercifully — a gompeein-man,
cut down seventy per cent., has threatened
felo-de-se, and his razors are impounded — sixteen
attorneys are actually in sackcloth and ashes —
the receiver has taken his departure — and
Richard's himself again,
Welsh detachment arrived safe in town — "Wil-
liams has made us a present of 5000Z. to com-
mence housekeeping. He can't spare more, as
he expects within the year that there will be a
demand upon him for baby linen.
Aug. 20th. — Married — selected Brighton as a
proper place wherein to hide our blushes.
In Wales — six moons have waned — extremely
happy — Julia prettier than ever, but looks a httle
delicate.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 133
Extract from the " Llangotblen ^lercury" : —
" At Abcrdovey House, the residence of her
brother, Wilhaiu Wynn WilUams, Esq., the kuly
of Dionysius O'Dogherty, Esq., of Clonsilla
Castle, county of Galway, of a son and heir."
A leading paragraph gave an interesting ac-
count of beer, bonfires, Welsh harpers, and
general rejoicings — and a bulletin was annexed
by Doctor Morgan, declaring that the lady was
recovering beautifully, and the heir, if he lived,
woidd prove a broth of a boy.
134 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
A SHORT BIOGRAPHY OF A GENTLEMAN
FROM IRELAND.
This is, or rather has been, a wonderful age
for rail-roads and biographies. Fortunately, the
mania for the one has subsided, or the United
Kingdoms — the Highlands and immediate vici-
nity of Phnhmmon excepted — would, when
viewed on a clear day from a balloon, in the
endless iron interlineations of the surface, have
exhibited the correct similitude of an overgrown
gridiron, or a Scottish plaid. Railways have
had their day — would we could say as much
touching obituaries — for the latter outrage upon
the public, so far from being abated, seems to
be fearfully on the increase. If a dancing-
master die, his son and successor places the full
particulars of his lamented father's dietary and
doings, and with all possible dispatch, before the
world — and, in the dramatic line, even a clown
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 135
is considered good for six or seven hundred
pages — tumbling and twaddle, of course, being
the staple articles. Deceased strtesmen, who,
during a long life, conducted themselves so
harmlessly that nobody ever heard of them, are
evoked by some great-grand-daughter from the
tomb. Generals, extremely peaceable in the
flesh, are placed as large as life again upon the
field, and that, too, after the repose of a long
century. Any post-captain in the Navy List is
considered cheap at a post octavo ; and, on the
demise of an admiral, there is a regular rush
among the literary gentlemen in the life line, to
have the honour of touching off the defunct
commander. No departed comedian is per-
mitted to rest quietly in the grave ; and even
chancellors are summoned from the tomb, and
reseated on the woolsack by their own suc-
cessors.
In olden time, rest and the grave were con-
sidered to be things concurrent. Resurec-
tionists, it is said, have retired from business —
but no matter how luunble and inoffensive a
man may be, the tondj is no security at tiie
present day against his being [)aradcd before the
public even by his own executors and heirs-at-
law. In fact, nobody is safe from having his
136 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
life taken — not by the sword — but the pen. In
proper snccession, we shall have " Memorials of
Professor Morrison, by the President of the
College of Health," — " Secret Correspondence
of Mr. Keeley with Mr. Buckstone, extracted
from the Original MSS."— " The Life and Times
of Michael Gibbs, Alderman and Citizen of
London," and "The Remains of Emanuel
Moses, Marine Merchant, by his Son and suc-
cessor in the business." There will be "A
Voice from Bermuda," on the demise of the
first Irish patriot who may shuffle off this
mortal coil ; and overtures have been made to
Mr. Joseph Ady, by a young and spirited pub-
lisher in the Row, to obtain the early particulars
of the private history of that distinguished phi-
lanthropist, at the request of half a dozen gen-
tlemen of great erudition and research, to enable
them to present a biography, and the whole of
his invaluable and unredeemed correspondence
to the world, in tw^enty-seven quarto volumes,
uniform in size with the last and corrected
edition of the Encyclopedia Edinensis.
It would be strange, indeed, if in this age of
biographical competition, when, if a quack per-
petrated his confessions, his sanctum would be
besieged by applicants for these valuable manu-
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 137
scrij)ts, that tlic literary remains of a gentleman
but lately gathered to his fathers, should not be
demanded with avidity, and given with all con-
venient expedition to an expecting public. The
gifted individual we allude to, was the late
lamented Miles Patrick Malone ; and the painful,
but pleasant duty will devolve on me, who
became demise possessor of his invaluable manu-
scripts, to select a few descriptive and interest-
ing extracts, after I shall have given a brief
notice of his metropolitan career.
I knew him in early life — and when I went
to the Peninsula, left my friend Miley, as they
abbreviate it in Ireland — idling time away at his
maternal uncle's. That relative was of gentle-
manly descent — and proprietor of a small estate
mortgaged to the full amount of the fee-simple,
and, as people whispered, perchance a little
more ; and the house, in its state of repair, and
in all that appertained to comfort and general
economy, was pretty similar to the pleasant
mansion called Castle llackrent. For the long
period of twenty years, T was l)ut once at home ;
and, during that visit, I learned that Miles had
emigrated some dozen years before, and esta-
blished his Penates in the Modern Hahyloii.
Touching the success of his career, the accounts
138 ERIN-GO-BllAGH ; OR,
received were most conflicting. One visitor to
London declared that he had actually seen him
driving four-in-hand ; while another averred that
he had encountered the real Simon Pure at the
Boiled Beef-house in the Old Bailey — and,
according to his report, his appetite appeared
very excellent, but his outward man extremely
seedy. It was as I said passim, after a space of
twenty years, when I ran against Miley in
person, and one glance assured me that whatever
the alterations of his fortunes might have been,
their results were the reverse of being pros-
perous. He was breaking up fast — and when I
returned to town from Cheltenham in a month,
it was quite clear that poor Miley was regularly
in the raven's book. My suspicions were con-
firmed in a few weeks afterwards — for he slipped
his girths, leaving me heir to the whole of his
effects, with an understanding that I should
bury him. I accepted the trust — and it is only
necessary to observe, that, the rent deducted,
the assets realized were four pounds seventeen —
the undertaker's bill having dipped severely into
the half-pay of the current quarter.
It would be surprising indeed, in this age of
biographical book-thirstiness, when the memo-
rials of a chiropodist by himself, would be vigo-
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 139
rously coQipetcd for, if the Life and Remains of
a gentleman, like ray departed countryman,
should fail in creating an immense sensation.
Possessor of his invaluable MSS., I shall lose
no time in preparing a memoir of my regretted
friend for general perusal ; and with a liberal
amount of extracts from his London Experiences,
I shall then have best discharged a double duty
to society, by communicating important in-
formation, and that, too, conveyed in a most
agreeable dress.
The date of Mr. Malone's birth I cannot
exactly ascertain. Within mortal memory there
was no church in the parish, and, consequently,
no vestry. The late Incumbent, who lived to
ninety-five, and held the benefice for seventy -three
years and five months, always inserted parochial
occurrences in the yearly almanack. We believe
that this would not be a presentable record in a
court of law — nor, even, as a behest, we hold
doui)ts whether they (we mean old almanacks)
would be received by the British Museum.
Under these difficulties, we cannot authenticate
the exact day on which Mr. Malone saw the
140 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
light; and, indeed, the earlier portion of his
history is somewhat wrapped in obscurity.
His education was confided to the care of the
Reverend Ignatius O'Sullivan, a very zealous,
but not a very erudite, churchman ; who, feeling
that his spiritual functions were removed above
grammatical restriction altogether, was pleased
to spell physician with an f, and wrote the pro-
noun personal with a little i, always, however,
being careful to dot the letter.
It is marvellous how men manage to get on in
the British metropolis; and Miles Patrick
Malone was so lucky as to find out that secret.
There is a sort of gentility associated with idle-
ness, and particularly in Cockney estimation,
that gives an unemployed personage a fictitious
importance. The reasoning is unsound. He
has no visible means, and, consequently, he
must have occult resources. This logical deduc-
tion is erroneous, and Mr. Miles Patrick Ma-
lone's case will on that point, as we believe, be
proof satisfactory.
A presentable man, provided he stand well
with his tailor, and having certain qualifications
IRISH LIFE riCTURES. 141
besides, will rarely want a dinner in London.
He must be no stander on strict punctilio, but
ready to fill a chair vacated by apology, and that
even at the eleventh hour. If the company be
slow coaches, he is, at a hint, expected to come
out pleasantly. He must be fond of children,
and allow any two-year-old introduced with the
dessert, to take awful liberties with his shirt-
front. In the drawing-room he is expected to
hold himself ready to ring the bell and poke the
fire. Should there be a quiet quadrille for the
juveniles, and also an elderly young lady — or
what is called in Ireland "a wall-flower" — in
the room, at a nod from the hostess he is
required to solicit the honour of her hand. In-
deed, like a servant-of-all-work, he is required
to make himself generally useful — and thus, by
strict attention to morning visits and general
civility, he may manage to dine out six days out
of the seven.
On this principle IMiles Patrick Malone acted
systematically. Aware that the whereabouts of
a man upon town is deeply important, he en-
sconced himself in Jermyn Street. The rent was
not oppressive, — the locale being the back sky-
parlour, — and the weekly consideration seven
shillings. The first floor let for three guineas,
142 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
but as Miles Patrick was never at home in his
hfe, nobody could possibly ascertain whether his
portion of the mansion extended over the shop, or
had reached the poetical altitude described by
Juvenal — ubi ova wolles reddant columhce. But,
although Miles was always in person non inventus,
an invitation was never known to go astray.
These hints at a symposium about to come off,
were always correctly responded to ; and Mr.
Malone was never durino; life five minutes behind
the dinner hour but once, and that occurred
through his being knocked down at a crossing
by a drunken cabman.
Miles Patrick screwed on wonderfully for a
dozen years. Report said, that at one period of
his metropolitan career he was proprietor of two
horses and a groom, and that the attendant wore
a black frock and was moreover correctly
leathered. Even later in life he was once or
twice encountered in a cab, but the latter turn-
out exhibited a suspicious appearance. Like a
military mercenary, it was evidently a subsidised
affair. The harness was gilded as extensively as
gingerbread at Greenwich Pair, and the tiger,
though short in stature, would, if rolled out, have
extended to a grenadier, and turned twelve stone
in his stable-clothes.
IRISU LIFE PICTURES. 143
From what quarter Miles Patrick extracted his
supplies was a mystery to the world. Of ac-
quired property he was considered innocent, and
paternal he never had possessed : yet he dressed
well for a dozen years, — dined out six days, and
mostly also on the seventh, — and his card bore
always a west-end reference. Youth, however, is
necessary for a London hanger-on ; and although,
with much tact and some talent, he, the hanger-
on, may last until middle-age, after that epoch in
his career, the dining-out gentleman becomes too
stiff to tumble, and he is declared, consequently,
to be useless, as obese sweeps were in former
times, when they had grown too stout to get up a
flue. i\[ore youthful candidates push these un-
happy men from their dinner chairs, and poor
Miles Patrick lived long enough to experience
that sad consununation. Stories, racy a dozen
years before, became in time as uninteresting as
a decided Chancery cause ; and as he grew older,
he grew more tedious as a raconteur. Fresher
men, who attended fights and pigeon-matches,
engrossed attention ; for poor Miles Patrick's
disposable commodities were details of the Cato-
strcet conspiracy, and curious reminiscences of a
conversation over a mutton choj), hohieii with two
Jews and a foiviguiir dining the trial of (j)neen
144 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
Caroline. If Miles Patrick induli>;ed in a remi-
niscence of Pitt, Sheridan, or Fox, the host in-
stantly shoved onwards the decanter ; and, at the
dessert, when three sweet girls and a boy were
introduced, a general description of the burking
system was ruthlessly interrupted by the lady of
the house, who declared that after Miley's last
minute detail of the murders at Ratcliff-Highway,
and the ovation of Williams' body through the
city in a cart, the children were obliged to take
composing draughts for a week ; and the nursery-
maid, for fear of encountering ghosts upon the
stairs, had consumed candles to an extent that
was alarming.
Lower and lower still poor Miley descended —
and, in his social relations, he subsided gradually
into a member of that subordinate order who
speak monosyllabically, describing persons as
flints, bricks, and snobs, — abbreviate the word
" gentleman" to " gent," — torture the language
generally, and take shameful liberties with the
vowels. Alas ! his tenure even in that clique
M^as only at will ; and in less than a twelvemonth,
admission could only be gained by taking ad-
vantage of the accidental cleansing of the hall-
door brasses, or the ignorance of a new servant,
unskilled in visiting admissibility. The oppor-
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 145
tiinity availed nothing. The lady issued dinner
directions coolly in Miles Patrick's presence — the
correct conduct to be observed in fish and flesh
successions was duly enforced — punctuality urged
upon the pastry-cook — and the morning visit was
foreshortened by a brusque intimation, on the
lady's part, that she requested liberty to depart —
the children, poor dears ! from numbers one to
five, were in regularly for the whooping-cough,
and she had a dinner for a dozen to look after.
Alas ! there was no addendum to the speech —
" Mr. Malone, although the table will be crowded,
wc can still manage to squeeze a corner out for
I"
you !
Lower and lower yet ! To an occasional in-
vitation his poverty and not his will consented.
'J'hc latent sparks of gentility smouldered still ;
and Miles Patrick rejected the sponsorship of the
butcher's first-born, and declined a baker's invi-
tation to that annual festivitv which marked the
return of his britlal day. Poor fellow ! a good
dinner would not have come amiss ; for on the
day that he rejected the baker's leg of mutton
and accompaniments he had dined with Duke
ilnniphry.
How the last two or three years were eked out
none but him.^clf could tell. Wc fear that his
VOL. I. H
146 EEIX-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
privations at times were painful. When he did
go out, it was hebdominally, — and that on the
morning when he could best manage a clean
shirt. His clothes, in dye and texture, had given
striking indications of senihty, — and from Wel-
lingtons he had descended to Bluchers, and,
lower yet, from Bluchers even to what in snob
parlance are termed '' high-lows." His hat was
always damp-brushed, — and the gold- topped
Manilla cane had been succeeded by an unpre-
tending sapling. He was, and too evidently, a
decayed gentleman, — but he was a gentleman
after all.
With this prefatory notice, we shall proceed to
make a few valuable and instructive extracts from
his posthumous memoranda.
LONDON, GENERALLY CONSIDERED,
is the best place on earth, where a man who may
be averse to lay himself under the obligations at-
tendant on letters of introduction, can or should
resort to, inasmuch as an entree into the best
society is obtained at once by a call at the crib of
any fighting-man in the victualling line — a drop
in at a harmonic meeting — or, indeed, a nocturnal
visit to any of the " Innishes." Nothing is slower
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 147
than the march of popular prejudice towards
abolition — and country-people, especially, are in-
disposed to discard early opinions, even as they
stick tenaciously to their leathers and con-
tinuations. In the sight of these rustical ante-
diluvians a " Free and Easy" is the first step to
transportation ; and, in their disordered fancies,
the Cider Cellar, being subterranean, is associated
with a place we never mention ; and they quote,
if they be Latinized, the old saw " facilis descensus
Averni." Well, let us suppose that a young gen-
tleman starts for the metropolis, — his first ap-
pearance on any stage, — with a week's leave of
absence, much good advice, and, what is more
to the pm-pose, a ten-pound note from the
governor, — passim, if in London you called your
progenitor /a^/ier, you would be dished regularly,
and no mistake — and we will also suppose that
the maternal branch of the finnily slips him a five-
pounder on the sly. Well, he starts for the
modern Babylon, having entered into a prelim-
inary undertaking, that he will neither dive at tlie
witcliing hour into the pleasant retreat called the
Cider Cehar, nor patronize the fashionable
hostel ries of that classic region Drury Lane,
where, as l)revity is reputed to be the soul of wit,
instead of setting out her name at full length, as
n 2
1 48 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
if it were an indictment at the Old Bailev, the
lady, being a matron, abbreviates Mistress Honey-
wood into "Mother H." Well, obedient to
established prejudices, he dutifully eschews these
fashionable retreats tabooed by the old gentleman
in the conntry ; but is not Mr. Evans at home
under the Piazza ? and Baron Nicholson — what
a slap it is at his lazy brothers on the bench —
sitting, albeit "fat as butter," even in the dog-
day evenings, and offering practical lessons in
elementary jurisprudence to any youthful aspirant
to the woolsack.
It is not unusual for gentlemen, particularly
from Ireland, to repair annually to London, on
the same prmciple that servant-maids come froai
the country, to better their condition.
We assume, therefore, that the visitor is from
the ould country, and that his business to the
metropolis is matrimonial. He may, if he can
spare seven or eight shillings, advertise in the
" Sunday Times ;" but ladies of high connexions
and abondjide £10,000, seldom operate through
the newspapers.
Much will depend on the amount of what may
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 141)
be the hymeneal qualification. If money only
be required, Margate may answer in the season.
If to the rowdy, high birth, position in society,
and educational advantages must be added, you
must steam on to Ramsgate ; and the outlay is
only four-and-sixpence after all. Let nothing,
however, induce you to stop at Heme Bay. It
is a Hebrew settlement, where even the purchase
of a penny cigar wovdd be imprudent ; and had
you the wisdom of a serpent, once debarked on
the wooden jetty, you would risk the loss of one
of your molares, did you not remain jaw-locked
wliile you inspected the beauties of the surround-
ing scenery.
To compassing and contracting matritnnny in
any locahtv with a fjarden attached, I have a tie-
cided objection; and in this sweeping list I in-
chule Vauxhall, Cremorne, the AVhite Conduit,
Tivoli, and a full et cetera, even to tea-drinking
on IIanq)stcad Heath. A balloon, nocturnally
laimchcd, or even a shower of fireworks, is de-
cidedly unfavourable to the calm selection of a
consort. I speak from sad experience, having
known a very de])lorable case of an Irish gentle-
150 ERIN-GO-BUAGII ; OR,
man, who was matrimonially ruined during the
penultimate ascent of Madame Saqui, by a lady's
maid, who possessed consummate impudence, a
two year's character, and a purple pellorine.
In laying out money to advantage, a man who
knows town well, can effect wonders; and no
matter what his wants are, from a penknife to a
phaeton, they can be readily supphed. Requires
he a gun? At any Birmingham repository he
can make his selection — and the vendor will
oblio;ino;lv convert the concern into a town-made
tool, by merely engraving the name of any Lon-
don tradesman on the weapon, whom the pur-
chaser may have a fancy for. For miscellaneous
property, I opine that a lamp-lighted depository
in Cheapside is the place — the hammer-man being
of the Hebrew profession — and, consequently, so
extremely conscientious, that he would scorn to
take advantage of a Christian child. In the un-
questionable honour of an advertising bill-dis-
counter, you may repose unbounded confidence,
and fearlessly eiitrust your securities to his safe-
keeping, and you will be certain of the money
when you get it. Are you a bachelor, and desire
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 151
clothing that shall outlast the period of your na-
tural life? or, are you a family-man — I do not
mean a pick-pocket — and wish your garments to
descend as heir-looms to your children? repair
at once to Moses and the jMinories. Need you
medical intervention for any malady the flesh is
heir to ? Avoid all Galenical preparations as
compounded by a licensed apothecary, and place
your trust in heaven, Professor HoUovvay, and
Parr's Pills. Be cautious, however, in using the
latter— keep the Wandering Jew before your
eyes — for did you incautiously swallow a double
dose, you would live to eternity.
There is much that is dangerous in London,
which should be cautiously guarded against, —
and human destruction is not confined, by any
means, to patent medicines. The category would
be tedious to set out in full. Be wide awake to
the driving of a butcher's boy, who has imperilled
dinner by stopping to look for half-an-hour at
Punch and Judy in tlic adjacent street — or to
that of a doctor without j)ractice. Eschew gen-
tlemen " from Ireland," who make assurance
iloubly sure, by a pledge of honour at every sen-
152 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
tence. To propose to a lady on the first evening
that you sport a toe with her at Baron Nathan's
weekly bal dansante, is rather hazardous — nor
would I recommend you to accept a bill for a
gentleman, previously unknowai, whose acquaint-
ance you were so fortunate as to make in the
transit of " Waterman, No. 7," between London
Bridge and the pier at Gravesend. A Californian
security, by every account, is unexceptionable. I
hate trouble — and hence I prefer a cheque on
Coutts', it is so handy and presentable. At an
Urban-plate-house you can have your steak for
sevenpence-halfpenny, with one penny to the fair
administratrix. At the Blue Posts, in Cork Street,
it costs a little more — but when the metallics will
permit, I always stand the difference. I have a
silly prejudice in favour of light-complexioned
table-linen — and — it is, I trust, a pardonable
weakness — when I confess that I incline to a
four-pronged implement in silver, rather than the
bi-furcated article generally in city use, attendant
on a knife with wiped blade and horn handle.
Should you be of that order termed " private
gentleman," — which generally meaneth, a person
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 153
not required to resort either to trade or profession
for a maintenance,— time may hang heavy on
your hands. Could you manage to get into a
Chancery suit, you are certain of occupation dur-
ing life — or if you have a fancy for figures, exa-
mine the Walbrook vestry-books, balance the ac-
counts, and you can agreeably occupy leisure
time, and even wet Sundays, for the next seven
vears.
In selecting your city hostelrie, go always to a
singing establishment. Are you ill ? the land-
lord and his staflF never go to bed — and if you
seek your dormitory in good health, you are lulled
" to pleasure and soft repose" by a serenade — no
charge additional.
If a poetical shop-bill be insinuated into your
hand, repair instanter to the establishment pointed
out. You may rest assured that the proprietor
is a man above the common caste — a poetic citi-
zen you may safely deal with — the Muses, and
no mercenary considerations engrossing his at-
tention.
H :3
154 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
Dulce est dissipere — and a rat-affair in Smith-
field is extremely interesting. Back the varmin
always against the dog. Reports touching the
hocussing of the little animals have crept into
circulation. The charge is grossly libellous — for
gentlemen in the rat-line are " full of honour as
a corps of cavalry."*
Are you in want of wine ? repair to a city
auction. If the gentleman honoured with in-
structions for its disposal, declares that it is vin-
tage 1738, and, consequently, one hundred and
eleven years in bottle, bid fearlessly. If he
farther add that it was a self-importation, not
only bottled, but even corked, by the great-
grandfather of the late and lamented proprietor,
you may safely advance five shillings a dozen
additional upon this guarantee. Implicit reli-
ance may ever be reposed in the word of an
auctioneer, for he would scorn to drop hannner
upon desk, were the rigid facts of his statement
not strict truth even to the letter — and to be
verified, if necessary, upon affidavit before the
Lord Mayor.
In horse-flesh the same hints may be gener-
* Doctor Ollapod.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 155
ally attended to. Some men are unhappily of
that infelicitous disposition, that they distrust
everything and everybody. Be guarded against
such sinister-minded examples of the body po-
litic. Well, we suppose you want a horse —
and you attend punctually at the auction hour,
which is politely described as 12 for 1 — an
auctioneering impertinence that nobody but
that consummate impersonation of effrontery
would venture to perpetrate. You will gener-
ally hnd the yard crowded with idle people,
who would induce you to fancy they had de-
signs upon a horse, although they could not
afford milk to a house-cat. They examhie,
however, the animal produced with anxious at-
tention — and while the gentleman in the pulpit,
armed with his mallet, details the virtues of the
quadruped, they maliciously take general excep-
tions. One gentleman perceives tliat the nag
steps a little short — another detects a feather on
his eje — a third will tender an affidavit that he
is a regular roarer — while a fourth cunningly
detects an incipient spavin. All these men are
mere grumblers — and pass them unheeded.
Up comes a plain and unpretending personage.
He is none of the flash scamps that overrun
cider-cellars and infest bazaars. He is merely a
156 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
man from the country, and plainly dressed —
blue coat, gilt buttons, a coloured vest, volumi-
nous neck-protector, tights, and continuations.
He is, moreover, florid in complexion, wears a
broad-brimmed hat, and carries a double-
thonged whip. He makes a rustic salutation —
begs pardon for the liberty he is about to take
• — but having known the horse at hammer since
he was foaled, and having also perceived that
you had an eye turned in that direction, he begs
to say, that what could have induced the pro-
prietor to part with him, the horse, altogether
passeth his miderstanding. On the strength of
such disinterested assurances, you come out
stoutly with ten pounds over whatever might have
been a preliminary limitation. You secure the
quadruped — give the man with the florid coun-
tenance a glass of brandy — cold, to feed his
nasal salamander — and like every man who has
the conscious feeling that he has not played deaf
adder when Wisdom was crying in the street,
you part from your fat friend, and proceed on
your way rejoicing.
Timid equestrians are generally suspicious ;
but in your transit from the repository to your
own domicile a cheval, let no trifling occurrence
shake your confidence in the daisy-cutter you
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 157
have so happily become possessor of. Does he
shy ? Something no doubt, has aUirmed him ;
and have you not been startled frequently your-
self? Does he trip? That is an every-day
accident to which horses and men are liable
alike ; and recollect, that as he has four legs
and you only two, he has a right to make two
stumbles for your one. Does he fall ? The
fault rests entirely with yourself: what have you
a bridle for but to keep him on his pins ? Is
he a whistler? IJow frequently have you whis-
tled, and yet you are neither consumptive nor
asthmatic? Shows he a mucous discharge at
the nostrd ? Have you not been afflicted with
cold in the head, and been obliged to have
frequent recurrence to your pocket-handker-
chief? Does he l)()lt into a gate-way or stable-
lane? Have you never, on perceiving a gentle-
man of the tribe of Levi with a prominent
proboscis and a restless eye in the advance, cut
round a corner or vanished in a by-lane? Does
he refuse his oats ? After a night at the Cider
Cellar have you not declined breakfast ? Does
lie run away with you? That is an undoubted
proof of high courage that wdl not brook re-
striction. Does he demoliijh a donkey-cart of
crockery in the performance of this last exploit ?
158 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
All you have to do is to stick close to the saddle,
if you can, and long before the dealer in delf
can recover his astonished senses, you will be in
another parish and safe from pursuit. Do you
ride over a biped ? What business had he to
cross the street ? and if he has two or three
bones dislocated, pray what are hospitals for but
to re -unite them ?
From equine and other casualties how many
men have dated after-fortune and deduced their
immortality? But for his canter on the callen-
der's horse to Edmonton, would John Gilpin's
memory have survived that of any haberdasher
of his day ? With a snaffle in his hand, and a
sufficiency of pig-skin to repose his person on,
who could take all that was in a three-year-old
out of him more skilfully than Sam ChifFney?
and are his happiest turf efforts now remem-
bered? No; they are swamped in the stream
of time : while Mazeppa, a gentleman who ran
the longest race on record without saddle, bridle,
or a pull from the start to the close, is poetized
by Byron, and may be seen at Astley's large as
life. I knew an Irish gentleman who secured
£20,000 by rescuing a lady, through the agency
of his umbrella, from close imprisonment in
Newman's gateway, where she had been driven
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 159
for slicltcr by a shower ; and another who, after
three infelicitous seasons and an exhausted purse,
wiis miraculously brought into prominent notice,
by being carried at racing speed and a vicious
mare into a confectioner's, — a feat that went the
round of the papers, and was miraculously
achieved without fracturing a jelly-glass.
I am Hibernian in birth, parentage, educa-
tion, and affections — and to my well-beloved
countrymen, in the plenitude of past experience,
I would extend very valuable advice. I never
knew a large investment in the Three per Cents.
secured by rolling down the hill in Greenwich
Park, nor, on wooden piers, are ladies of fortune
generally predominant. The safest course for a
gentlenian about to marry, is to solicit, in limine, a
letter of intnjduction to the lady's stock-broker
— not that he can have a doubt touching the
amount of assets stated, i)ut it is still pleasant
to ascertain whether they are in Consols or Long
Annuities. Caution should be observed in con-
ducting Hymeneal transactions. The happhiess
of a Cork gentleman, 1 knew well, was blighted
by a West-end auctioneer, who seduced him
into matrimonv with his daui(liter, and went
into the Gazette the second week of the honey-
moon, paying a composition to his creditors of
160 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
tvvo-pence-three-farthings in the pound. In the
case of your being bold enough to grapple with
a widow, a direct reference to Doctors Commons
will be the only security you can have against
the machinations and devices of a class of gen-
tlewomen, reputed to be doubly dangerous.
Ladies, liberally supplied with marriageable
daughters, such as you encounter at every
watering-place, must also be suspiciously re-
garded. I would not commit matrimony on the
strength of an Australian uncle with no family
and the monetary reputation of half a plum,
were the Australian even backed by a second
cousin in the Spice Islands, a warm man in
mace, nutmegs, and various peppers. The au-
dacious pretences of people now-a-days passeth
human understanding. Not long since I re-
ceived a pressing invitation to winter with a
young gentleman at his hunting-box in Leicester-
shire — lent him, on the strength of a season's
run, five pounds seventeen and sixpence in odd
moneys — and within a fortnight learned that his
rural retreat was not discoverable, but his town
residence, for the next three months, was the
Millbank Penitentiary. A Methodist preacher
picked my pocket in an omnibus — and I was
obliged, no later than last spring, to bind an
IRISU IJFE PICTURES. ICl
Irish gentleman in a recognizance to keep the
peace, because I dechned joining him in a cog-
novit to his tailor, and becoming security besides
for four shillings and sixpence weekly to the
parochial authorities, being the penal conse-
quence on his part of broken vows.
My own career is finished — I am dead to idle
Hymeneal overtures — and no lady through the
" Sunday Times" shall seduce me into the
expenditure of a letter-stamp. Any matrimo-
nial transaction must be conducted on business
principles — and, whether virgin or bereaved,
none need make an application unless her title-
deeds accompany the tender of her hand, the
former to be laid professionally before my
solicitor. An ad valorem consideration, accord-
ing to age specified, will be expected from
elderly young ladies — and also an autlicnticated
record of tlieir baptism. No gentlewoman under
twenty-one will be treated with — and all state-
ments respecting general amiability and affec-
tionate disposition, will, upon detection, be
committed to the fire. Harp accompHshments
to me arc merely waste of paper — as, in my
estimation, the manipulation of eatgut is of no
consequence when compared with the construc-
tion of a harriro — while even a remote acquaint-
162 ERIN-GO-BUAGH ; OR,
tance with Latin and Greek, will be fatal to the
applicant. Finally, should proposals be enter-
tained, a personal inspection of the candidate
will be a sine qua non.
N.B. — Railroad securities and good expecta-
tions are totally repudiated. Rehgion not
objected to, except Juniper and Soulhcotian,
A tender of character without cash will be but
the idle expenditure of a postage stamp. No
Irish need apply — and an affidavit from the
applicant will be indispensable, declaring that
she never danced " the Polka."
IRlSn LIFE PICTURES. 163
LAST SCENES OE THE CONDEMNED-
Thirty years have passed since I witnessed
an execution for the first time ; and although the
accidents attached to professional life have
obliged me to see many a spirit pass "un-
houssell'd, unannealed," but, as we piously trust,
not " unforgiven," that sad scene of " law as-
serted " will never be forgotten. Connaught, in
my early days, enjoyed an unenviable notoriety :
in connnon parlance, it was always associated
with a place unknown to ears polite, but, accord-
ing to general belief, remarkable for its pleasant
society and high temperature. Carthage was,
and so was Home; and in criminal statistics
"the land of the west" has yielded to Munster
so decidedly, that Jack Ketch declares the West-
ern Circuit is merely waste of time for a pro-
fessional gentleman — namely, himself — to visit ;
and he feelingly obsei'ves, that instead of travel-
164 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
ling, as he did formerly, with post-horses, he is
" obliged to settle himself on the side of one of
Biancona's jaunting-cars, cheek-by-jowl w^ith
English bagmen, cattle-dealers, parish-priests,
and people of that sort."
The criminal law in Ireland, at the period we
recall, was mimercifuUy and indiscriminately
administered ; the foulest murder and the ab-
straction of a sheep being, as far as penal con-
sequences went, in the eyes of justice alike
offensive. We have in our own experience
witnessed the anomalous metino- out of leo;al
retribution, and than its visitations nothing could
be so uncertain and eccentric. We have seen a
man hanged who should have been once only,
and lightly too, whipped at the market-place ;
and we have heard of a London firm, which after
trafficking for years by forgery, as was clearly
ascertained, comfortably wind up with half a
million, all concerned, during a long and felonious
career, being estimated good and honourable
men, eligible to the highest City honours, ay,
and even to civic majesty — Heaven save the
mark I
Before we proceed, a declaration of our cri-
minal creed may be desirable. We distinctly
and emphatically protest that for felony, be the
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 1G5
peipctrators hi<^li or low, we are no apologists.
Our code, probably, will be best understood by
a straightforward confession, that we would hang
a murderer, transport a highwayman, treadmill a
thief, and — to borrow from our well-beloved
brother. Master Jonathan, one of his expressive
and gentlemanly phrases — coiu-hide a young
regicide, the administration being mensal and for
the period of a calendar year, so that pot-boys in
general might be edified by the example.
From circumstances, generally beyond our own
control, we have been present when many cri-
minals have paid the forfeiture that law demands,
and the safety of society unfortunately, but im-
peratively, requires — and we state, from personal
experience, that frequent exhibitions of the last
penalty which justice imposes upon crime, as far
as example is supposed to go, become totally
inoperative.
The bad effect of these exhibitions we will
practically establish, and jjrovc that the expur-
gation of the code of England, from its excess of
sanguinary enact mait, has abated and not in-
creased serious crime. \\v recollect well, when
for divers markct-davs after the iudire of assize,
in the south and west of liclaiul, ha'l |);i!(l his
half-yearly visit, his Majesty was uiiuus two or
166 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
three subjects, as the case might be. As the
law then stood, burglars and highwaymen were
favoured with " a long day."* Murderers being
limited to forty-eight hours, and hence to throw
in Sunday as a dies non, the delinquent was
usually tried upon a Friday.
I recollect seeing two rebels hanging in '98,
having been carried by the nurse, in company
with a score of spider-brushers, to witness the
spectacle. What makes me recollect it is one of
those youthful impressions which time can never
obliterate. The artist was a black drummer, a
man of herculean proportions, and his apparatus
was the triangled spars used in the market-place
to Aveigh agricultural produce in the morning,
and, in the present case, put a rebel past praying
for "in the afternoon,"
Probably the hanging might have passed en-
tirely from young memory, had not another
circumstance fixed it indelibly on childish re-
collection. The nurse was pretty, and she had
made a tender impression on the heart of a gallant
highlander, who was servant to an officer, and,
* Often do I recollect, when a boy, hearing the culprit, in
reply to the common quare, " Why sentence of death," &c.,
make the response of, " A long day, my lord !" Execution
sometimes being deferred for three weeks.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 167
with his master, a frequent visitor at tlie house.
We, the nurse and I, were not early enough to
witness the turn-off, but, unluckily, as it turned
out, in good time to see the decapitation. Donald
introduced the object of his affections and myself
within the ring of bayonets which encompassed
the deadly apparatus, and just at the moment
when the unhappy men had been suspended a
sufficient tiaie to warrant their decollation.
The negro cut the ropes, the bodies fell heavily
on the grass, and with a grin, the wretch pro-
ceeded to complete his disgusting office. One
operation was sufficient. I yelled, the nurse-
maid fainted, how we made our exit I cannot
guess, but as the heads were afterwards spiked
upon a public building of the town, we had an
opportunity, in our daily walks, to become per-
fectly familiar with them. What building will
the English reader fancy was selected to be thus
ornamented ? The gables of the Assembly
Room ! and w liilc, for many a month, these reHcs
of humanity were streaming their matted hair in
the night-breeze, divided only by the ceiling and
the slates, and not a dozen feet below, half a
hundred of the fair sex were executing that
pleasant contre danse, intitulated " the wiiul that
shakes the barley."
168 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
The effect of that brutal exhibition upon me,
was one that years and a strong nervous tem-
perament could only overcome ; while for the
remainder of her life, my nurse never ventured
to cross a lobby without a lighted candle. Cfr-
cumstances, however, with me, abated early im-
pressions — and the recollection of hemp and its
concomitants had nearly subsided, when accident
as strangely recalled them.
We were then being indoctrinated in the polite
literature dispensed in the Dublin University,
and anno cBtatis 1 6, when a cousin of ours met
us in the street, and asked us to breakfast with
him next morning at Kilmainham, adding, as
indacements, that there were a couple of men to
be hanged. Country air, and new-laid eggs, and
these united, being too seductive offers to be
refused — of course we willingly consented.
In Ireland, hanging was no novelty then, and
few indeed, but regular amateurs, would take the
trouble, or pay a sixpenny fare upon a bone-
setter, to witness what they could see handier, by
far, after every commission. I, however, accepted
my kmsman's invitation — and admitted by a
prison authority on giving my card, was shown
directly to the execution room.
" Gentlemen, breakfast is ready," said a gaol
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 1C9
attendant, and wc proceeded forthwith to the
room appropriated to the office of the guard.
" Don't hurry, we are not Hniited, as they are at
Newgate ; any time before twelve does here. My
curse upon that cook 1" and he turned a steak
over, — " Hard as a deal board ! don't touch it,
gentlemen, Ave'll have another in half a shake.
Wc lay our own eggs here, aint they beauties,"
and, pointing to some half dozen, the scoundrel
hurried out.
" Good Heavens !" I exclaimed, " are these
two wretches, in half-an-hour, going to tlieir final
audit ?"
" Ay, and that heartless vagabond is thinking
only of steaks and eggs. I have had this duty
twice, and for a week after am haunted by hemp
and hangmen. 'Tis folly, we must conquer it."
He raised the tea-cup, it scarcely touched the
lips, when bang went the prison bell, as the
sounded note of preparation. The delf was re-
placed upon the table instantly.
" It is weakness, womanly, but I cannot eat
upon a hanging morning," said my kinsman with
a shudder.
Tlie morning meal was hurried over. Every
half-minute-stroke upon the prison bell would
have demolished the appetite of a cannibal. Pre-
VOL. I. I
1 70 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
sently we were informed that tlie last sad scene
of criminal life was about to be enacted, and as
we entered a large and spacious room on the first
floor of the building, the criminals appeared at
the opposite door, each attended by a priest.
Never were two malefactors in everything so
dissimilar. The first who stepped across the
threshold of the execution room was a remarkably
fine young man, over six feet in height, and in
bodily proportion, a study for a sculptor. His
dress was neat — shirt, knee-breeches, and silk
stockings, white — and at the elbows, wrists,
knees, and ancles, relieved by crimson rosettes ;
these, from their colour, we were told, being in-
tended to intimate that he was innocent of the
crime for which he was about to suffer. He wore
neither coat nor waistcoat. Nothing could be
more manly and collected than his bearing, and
when he issued from the door-way he recognised
us, the lookers-on, with a bow that was absolutely
graceful. His demeanour was firm, but totally
removed from anything like a display of vulgar
bravado. After he had paid us a polite acknow-
ledgment, he seemed for the brief space that
intervened, we would call it some three mi-
nutes, totally absorbed in religious duties, and
listening, with breathless attention, to every
HUSH LIFE PICTURES. 17 I
syllable that issued from the lips of his spiritual
director.
His conipaiiiou in crime, a returned transport,
was a mean, low-sized, pallid wretch, dressed in
a frieze great coat — and, to all appearance, so
thoroughly unnerved as to be insensible to the
admonitory instructions of his confessor. He was
supported by a turnkey, and all mental power
appeared in him so entirely prostrated, that his
brief passage from time to eternity seemed insen-
sibly effected.
The general economy of Irish gaols are — dare
we to use the phrase — far more civilized than the
metropolitan one of Newgate, so far as hanging
goes. The offensive preparations, like murders
in Greek tragedy, are completed out of sight.
The ropes lead in, within tliey are adjusted, and
the exhibition of the criminal on the drop, and
the fall of the machinery, by which, as Thistle-
wood remarked, the great secret of hereafter
should be revealed, are things nearly instanta-
neous. On this occasion, all had been mercifully
pre-arranged to abridge a painful interval. The
tall and handsome malefactor, a burglar, shook
us individually by the hand, and bade us an
eternal farewell, and then stepped upon the iron
grating of the scaffold, placing his feet correctly
1 2
172 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
Oil the drop as the executioner directed.
Stii pitied, and like a dreaming man, his com-
panion was mechanically led out by a couple of
the gaol functionaries. The authorities had
humanely guarded against any want of pre-
caution that should extend their sufferings. In
less than half a minute, a spring within the walls
was touched, the iron gratings parted, and before
a minute had elapsed, suffering was over, and
another, and we charitably trust, a better state
of existence succeeded to that, in which vice
cannot expect happiness, or virtue command it.
It is due to ourselves to state, and we there-
fore apprize and assure the reader, that our
personal experience with the last penalties im-
posed by outraged justice upon criminals, has
arisen from accidental circumstances altogether.
We have no morbid fancy for witnessing life
extinguished — at best it is a sorry sight, — but,
at the same time, we disclaim all maudling
sympathy for a murderer, and with perfect in-
difference we can read an account of his ex-
ecution. While we consider, however, that he
well deserves his doom, we should not have the
slightest curiosity to view the parting agony of
the wretched malefactor. We admit that the
atrocity of the crime robs the criminal of our
IRISH LIFE PICTURKS. 173
pity; wliilc, ill onr opinion, liis removal from tlie
stage of life confers a benefit on society. The
safety of the body politic demands the sacrifice,
and by every ordonnance, human and divine,
blood must be atoned by blood.
In human character the distinctions are not
more numerous and minute than those which
aggravate and extenuate criminal ofFendings.
One sad scene at which we were obliged ])ro-
fessionally to be present, would suflice to j)oint
what we emphatically contend for, — that there
exist, and arc easily traceable, multitudinous
gradations in the scale of criminality.
iSIany years ago the assize-town of a western
county was " disturbed from its pro})riety," by
the harrowing exhibition of six unhappy male-
factors undergoing the extreme penalty the law
exacts for murder. Of the actual guilt of all no
shadow of doubt existed ; for all, save one,
had freely admitted the perpetration of tiiat
crime which is considered beyond the reach ot
mercy.
Being within the circle of the military cordon
which surrounded the place of execution — a
rouglily-constructed a[)paratus, formed of some
scaffohHng-poles crossed horizontally by a spar, —
I witnessed with attention the bearing of tiie
174 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
criminals. They suffered in two divisions, — and,
by a strange accident, their offences were all of
the same character, and " most foul and most
unnatural," — namely, the murders of an uncle, a
husband, and a child. In Connaught, any common-
place expiatory sacrifice to offended justice will
collect a crowd, — and many will come from an
amazing distance to witness the execution of any
common-place criminal; but for morbid tastes
there was so much to attract the admirers of
disgusting exhibitions, that hours before the
wretched beings were conducted from their cells,
the fair-green — the scene of death — was crowded
to excess.
It was, in ordinary cases, customary to await
the arrival of the mail-coach (one o'clock), that
the chance of a respite from the Castle might be
given to the doomed ones, — no matter how des-
perate that hope might be ; but on this, — a
memorable day to us, and one that will never
fade from our recollection, the guilt of all had
been so fully admitted or established, that it was
considered mercy to the convicts to abridge the
interval usually permitted to elapse between time
and eternity ; and, as the court-house bell struck
twelve, one moiety of the criminals issued from
the gaol gate, attended by a turnkey and a priest,
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 175
and entered the military circle which hedged in
the scaffold with their bayonets.
The criminals, three in number, were brothers,
and remarkable for symmetrical proportions, and
countenances in which Lavater himself — were he
in the flesh, would have vainly looked for the
lineal mark of truculence. Three finer peasants
I never saw ; and Captain O'Mahony, — whose
" ancient" I was at the time, — looking at all men
and things with a professional eye, whispered in
my car, —
" Holy Mary ! is'nt it regular murder to hang
them ? The shortest six feet one. AVhat a
shoulder for a grenade! and under the waistband
no chairman's calves, — no green upon the ancle,
— all, from hip to heel, straight as a halbcrt, and
clean as a whistle. Oh ! murder ! if, instead of
cutting an old fool's throat, they had only turned
into the barrack gate and borrowed from the
sergeant of the guard a shilling !"*
Their crime was beyond apology, and yet, bad
as it was, it had something to plead in mitiga-
ti(Mi. The story of the offence will best tell it.
The name of the unfortunate men was Philips.
The eldest was scarcely twenty-four, the youngest
• The form of enlisting a recruit is accompanied by giving
him a slxiiliug.
176 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
but nineteen. To use Connanglit parlance, they
had gone two years before to England " to push
their fortune." In Manchester they had obtained
employment, and their conduct had been indus-
trious, sober, in every respect so exemplary, as
to surmount with their employers those prejudices
which the rascally portion of the low Irish annu-
ally create by their brutality and dissipated
habits.
Unhappily for these young men, they had an
uncle far advanced in life, who, by miserly habits
and lending money on gompeeine* acquired the
reputation of being wealthy. All monetary mat-
ters depend on social position. A Jew stock-
dealer is reckoned comfortable with half a million,
— the proprietor of a Connaught fodeeine* with
half a hundred. Old Philips, the uncle, was re-
puted wealthy, every pound he really possessed
being exaggerated to ten. His brother's family
were, of course, his natural and reputed heirs.
What men wish they will believe ; and to that
general ride the Philips proved no exception, and
built firmly upon succeeding to his property on
* Qompeeine, in Irish parlance, means a consideration for
trifling sums lent by village money-dealers, at enormous interest,
and for short terms.
f Fodeeine, a paltry property in laud.
'iRISII LIFE PICTURES. 177
tlie usurer's death. There is a vulgar truism,
that the veriest fool in existence is an old one ;
and the calamitous history of the Philips' family
would go far to confirm the truth of the adage.
Close on his eightieth year, the drivelling money-
lender fancied that he would marry a peasant-
girl of some beauty and only aged seventeen.
Her poverty, we presume, and not her will con-
sented, and the intended marriage — an event de-
ferred until after Lent * — was bruited over the
baronv from east to west.
A simpler tale than the murder of the old
usurer, and the family destruction that deed of
blood afterwards involved, was never told. The
father of the unhappy men who suffered on the
occasion I have alluded to, had apprized his sons
of their uncle's intentions ; and, as it was gene-
rally and, we fear, too truly believed, counselled
and encouraged them to repair at once to Ireland,
and, more Hihernico, forbid the banns by — mui-
der. Too readily the unfortunate young men
obeyed their parent's mandate, and in an evil
hour set out on the bloody mission. It is said
that they had not only secured the good opinions
of their employers, but saved a little money, and
* In Ireland, marriages are generally postponed until Lent
has ended.
I 3
178 IRIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
that they had opened for themselves by good
coDduct a path to honest independence. They
kept their fatal resolution, — reached their native
village, — when in three days afterwards the
usurer's marriage was to take place. Poor drivel-
ling wretch ! The miserable man was found cold
in bed next morning, a black and distorted face
indicating that life had been extinguished by
strangulation.
It would be tedious to detail the chain of cir-
cumstantial evidence which led to a conviction,
and one whose justice the confessions of the
murderers freely and fully acknowledged. It is
curious that human vanity in the hour of death
is often so powerfully marked as it is. The soldier
leads a forlorn hope, — mounts to " th' imminent
deadly breach," — feels that, so far as human
chances go, his doom is sealed, — but, all un-
moved, considers present death but a slight equi-
valent for posthumous fame, and dies accordingly
to earn it. What stimulates the Polar voyager
to undergo privations not to be described — hard-
ships not imaginable — dangers beyond calcula-
tion ? No matter what the circumstances of life
may be, in all human action vanity may be trace-
able — ay, whether it lie in an artiste's pirouette
or the charity-sermon of a fashionable preacher.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 179
The guillotine was mounted with a mot previously
and considerately prepared. The highwayman,
in transitu to Tyburn, was always remarkable for
the freshness of his bouquet, the purity of his
cambric, and the profundity of the parting bow
to a recognised acquaintance, that, in the opinion
of Baron Nathan, would, leaving larceny or mur-
der out, entitle him to immortality. Anne Boleyn
paid a compliment to her neck, while she pre-
;erred a prayer to heaven for the stout gentleman
who rivalled Bluebeard in his simple and short
process of deUverance e vinculo matrimonii.
Thistlewood's parting remark is not forgotten —
he died an atheist. Emraett met his fate with
fortitude and decency, but professed his unbelief
in a futurity. Campbell, on the contrary, united
the soldier with the Christian, and commanded
the sympathy of all, save the heartless judge and
crazy king who sent him to the scaffold. I have
looked on when many went to the short and final
reckoning the law demands from those who have
grossly violated its provisions, and I never saw
any that met death with more decent and becom-
ing fortitude than the unhappy young men who,
on the fair green of Castlebar, made atonement
for a cruel and unnatural uuirdcr.
In a few minutes all sutfcriui' was over, and
180 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
after the time elapsed whicli custom requires, the
bodies were lowered, stretched under the scaf-
folding, and covered decently with a cloth. The
drama of death was, however, but half enacted,
for the law had three other victims waiting to
undergo a similar fate.
In point of criminal atrocity, probably, the
wretches now about to suffer were, in the
shading of. dehnquency, more deeply marked
than the guilty men who had preceded them.
There might be pleaded for the unhappy bro-
thers whose mortal history had just closed, that,
labouring under an imaginary wrong, they had
violated every law, human and divine, to avenge
the disappointed hopes which for years had been
cherished ; and that, by exciting circumstances,
joined to a father's felonious counsellings, they
had been hurried to commit an act, from which,
had reflection been permitted, they might have
recoiled. To them, the miser's paltry wealth
was important as a ducal coronet to the heir-
expectant. Their father had excited his chil-
dren's feelings with all the asperity with which
old age will dwell upon a grievance. The well
known defect in Irish character is precipitation,
and before the causes were considered, the tra-
gedy was completed.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. ISl
The living criminals who, before the next
quarter chimed, were to be added to those who
had been, now issued from the prison. Crime
is enhanced by circumstances ; and of the
doomed murderers, two were women ! The
first who entered the miUtnrj cordon, was a
dark, ordinary, and most repulsive-looking girl.
She appeared scarcely seventeen. Her crime
was child-murder. She seemed stupified; lis-
tened to the priest with apparent indifference;
her glassy eye ranging in rapid glance from the
glitter of the military appointments of the sur-
rounding soldiers, to the cross beam and ropes
by which youthful guilt would speedily be
obliged to pay an awful penalty. Her crime
and her appearance, however, seemed to attract
but secondary notice, for every eye was turned,
and with intense curiosity, on the uidiappy pair
that followed.
An artist's sketch of these criminals might, in
all probability, be considered overdrawn, and
his vraisenihlance, it would be said, had vielded
to his fancy, for never were a sinful [)air so
totally dissimilar. The woman was remaikai)ly
handsome — the man the veriest wretch that ever
plied a needle — and yet on him — that thing "of
shreds and patches" — through some infernal
182 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
impulse, the wretched woman had lavished her
whole affections. By the concurrent testimony
of every witness, the murdered man was de-
scribed a good-looking and athletic peasant ;
and, could the atrocious character of the
woman's crime be more enhanced, he was kindly
and affectionate, while his wife's temper, natur-
ally violent, was launched upon him without
restraint ; and as often, and under strong provo-
cation, he pronounced a ready pardon for her
offences. His forbearance was unfortunate. In
peasant life, from a less forgiving partner, she
would have received coarse intimations, which,
probably, to one like her, might have eventually
saved him from a violent, and her from a dis-
graceful, death.
In the far west, and in vulgar belief, there is
an influence that exercises a magic power over
human affections, and when strange and unac-
countable partialities are exhibited — when six-
teen weds sixty, or any other monstrous depar-
ture from natural laws takes place, these devia-
tions from conventional usages are ascribed to
what is called grammary.
In remote parts of Ireland, a tailor, like a
dancing-master, is migratory ; and whether they
operate with thread or cat-gut, these artistes set
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 183
up their household gods in the house where they
are located, whether engaged in fabricating a
coat for the owner, or in giving the last polish
to the young ladies, on entering a room with
grace, or dancing " Planxty iMacguire" after-
wards. In his vocation, the miserable caitiff,
who now approached the place of punishment
by the side of his wretched associate, had often
received hospitality from his victim, frequently
called at his cabin, and obtained supper, a bed,
and a cead fealteagh* Without discussion, we
will say in Goldsmith's words, that " a lovelier
woman never stooped to folly," than the fair
criminal, or a more wretched apology for crime
ever was arraigned for, and convicted of, felony,
than her blackguard-looking paramour.
Could crime have been forgotten, I could have
felt every sympathy for the fair offender, and
had no finisher of the law been procurable, I
would have volunteered the task of affixing St.
Antony's tippet to the neck of one of the foulest
and the most cowardly scoundrels that ever
"garnished a gallows." We are conversant with
beauty, and have worshipped at its shrine, and
in every land on which the glorious sun pours
his exuberant torrent of red light, or gives his
* A hearty welcome.
184 ERIN-G0-15RAGH ; OR,
niggard contribution, and tlian that guilty
woman, a lovelier specimen we never looked
upon.
We almost recoil from tlie detail. God of
mercy ! animal ferocity is pardonable, but can
any apology be made for man's ?
It is probably one of the saddest episodes on
criminal record, and we will briefly detail it.
Late on a market evening, the felon tailor
stopped at the cottage whose hospitality he had
often shared and as often violated. The guilty
woman received him with open arms. The hus-
band was absent, but supper was immediately
prepared. Successful guilt frequently induces
false confidence, and, although deep suspicions
were entertained by all around that an adul-
terous intercourse existed, he, the injured man,
had never harboured a suspicion touching the
chastity of an unworthy wife.
The circumstances which hurried the catastro-
phe were singular. That day at the market, and
while drinking in a public-house, he, the husband,
for the first time was taunted with what had
been for months evident to all, but hidden from
him whose domestic surveillance should have been
lynx-eyed. Of that order which
" Dotes, yet doubts — suspects, but foudly loves,"
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 185
he felt tlie astounding stroke this discovery had
inflicted. To the mad remedy an Irishman
resorts to he, fated wretch ! apphed, and, half-
intoxicated, he returned to his now wretched
domicile. The night was wild when, inflamed
by ardent spirits and burning under a passion
never known before, the injured peasant hurried
across the moor in which his cabin stood.
Through the gloom a light glimmered through
the window — alas ! ignis fatuus-like, it liu'ed
him to destruction. He approached unheard —
he looked through the casement. There, and
comfortably at supper, sate the treacherous wife
and the wretch who had dishonoured him. On
the moment some display of endearment passed
between the guilty pair. The insulted man
rushed in — struck the scoundrel to the floor —
and then evicted him from the cabin.
The singular influence his wife possessed over
the doomed man was evidenced soon. She
calmed the storm of jealousy — lavished false
kisses on his lips — urged him to go to bed —
and made him swallow some whiskey that her
paramoiu' had brouglit. Fatigue, strong li(|Uor,
and the caresses of a faithless woman did tlie
rest. He went to sleep — a sleep from which
" he knew no waking."
186 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
Calculating, from the inclemency of the night,
that the ejected paramour was skulking near,
when his deep breathing told her that her
husband was asleep, the erring wife opened the
door softly, and, as she expected, found the
object of her search sheltering himself in an
outhouse from the rain. Brief was the guilty
deliberation — the sleeper must awake no more —
and with murderous intent the adulterous couple
re-entered the kitchen silently. The horrid
woman armed her paramour with a heavy axe,
used in that country for splitting bog-wood.
They softly approached the bed — she held the
candle to direct the blow — he struck it — no
second one was required — the murder was com-
plete.
Let not the sceptic dare to say tbat the eye of
Providence ever sleepeth. Lonely and isolated in
wild moorland, not once, perhaps, in a twelve-
month was a knock heard at the door of that
secluded cottage. A minute had scarcely passed
after the murderous pair had determined on the
deed of death, until a belated herd, attracted
by the light beaming from the lattice, hurried
thither to seek shelter from the storm. He, by
a natural curiosity, peeped through the window
— and at the instant the felon blow was struck !
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 187
Horrified, he crossed the moorland Uke a deer —
aLirmed a village but a mile off — and while the
guilty pair were deliberating how the body could
be best bestowed, the cottage door was suddenly
burst open — and within, deep, damning proofs
were overwhelming. Before the next sun set,
the wretched pair were immured within a
prison's gates — before the next moon waned,
they were extended side by side on the anatomi-
cal table of the county hospital.
188 EEIN-GO-BRAGH; OR,
TERENCE O'SHAUGHNESSY'S FIRST
ATTEMPT TO GET MARRIED.
Yes — ^here I am, Terence O'Shaughnessy, an
honest major of foot, five feet eleven and a half,
and forty-one, if I only hve till Michaelmas.
Kicked upon the world before the down had
blackened on my chin, Fortune and I have been
wrestling from the cradle ; — and yet I had little
to tempt the jade's malevolence. The youngest
son of an excellent gentleman, who, with an ill-
paid rental of twelve hundred pounds, kept his
wife in Bath, and his hounds in Tipperary, my
patrimony would have scarcely purchased tools
for a highwayman, when in my tenth year my
father's sister sent for me to Roundwood ; for,
hearing that I was regularly going to the devil,
she had determined to redeem me, if she could.
My aunt Honor was the widow of a captain of
dragoons, who got his quietus in the Low Coun-
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 189
tries some years before I saw the liglit. His
relict had, in compUment to the memory of her
departed lord, eschewed matrimony, and, like a
Christian woman, devoted her few and evil days
to cards and religion. She was a true specimen
of an Irish dowager. Her means were small, her
temper short. She was stiflp as a ramrod, and
proud as a field-marshal. To her, my education
and future settlement in life were entirely con-
fided, as one brief month deprived me of both
parents. My mother died in a state of insol-
vency, greatly regretted by everybody in Bath to
whom she was indebted ; and before her discon-
solate husband had time to overlook a moiety of
the card claims transmitted for his liquidation, he
broke his neck in attempting to leap the pound-
wall of Oranmore, for a bet of a rump and dozen.
Of course he was waked, and buried like a gen-
tleman, — everything sold off by the creditors —
my brothers sent to school — and I left to the
tender mercy and sole management of the widow
of Captain O'Fiim.
My aunt's guardianship continued seven years,
and at the expiration of that time I was weary of
her thrall, and she tired of my tutelage. I was
now at an age when some walk of life unist be
selected and pursued. Tor any honest avocation
190 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
I had, as it was universally admitted, neither
abilities nor inclination. What was to be done?
and how was I to be disposed of? A short de-
liberation showed that there was but one path for
me to follow, and I was handed over to that re-
fugium peccatorum, the army, and placed as a
volunteer in a regiment just raised, with a pro-
mise from the colonel that I should be promoted
to the first ensigncy that became vacant.
Great was our mutual joy when Mrs. OTinn
and I were about to part company. I took an
affectionate leave of all my kindred and acquaint-
ances, and even, in the fulness of my heart, shook
bands with the schoolmaster, though in boyhood
I had devoted him to the infernal gods for his
wanton barbarity. But my tenderest parting
was reserved for my next-door neighbour, the
belle among the village beauties, and presump-
tive heiress to the virtues and estates of Quarter-
master Mac Gawly.
Biddy Mac Gawly was a year younger than
myself; and, to do her justice, a picture of health
and comeliness. Lord ! what an eye she had !
— and her leg ! nothing but the gout would pre-
vent a man from following it to the very end of
Oxford Street. Biddy and I were next neigh-
bours — our houses joined — the gardens were only
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 191
separated by a low hedge, and by standing on
an inverted flou'er-pot one could accomplish a
kiss across it easily. There was no harm in the
thing — it was merely for the fun of trying an
experiment — and when a geranium was damaged,
we left the blame upon the cats.
Although there was a visiting acquaintance
between the retired quarter-master and the relict
of the defunct dragoon, never had any cordiality
existed between the houses. My aunt O'Finn
was as lofty in all things appertaining to her
consequence, as if she had been the widow of a
common-councilman ; and Roger Mac Gawly,
having scraped together a good round sum, by
the means quarter-masters have made money
since the days of Julius Caesar, was not inclined
to admit any inferiority on his part. Mrs. O'Finn
could never imagine that any circumstances could
remove the barrier in dignity which stood be-
tween the non-commissioned officer and the cap-
tain. While arguing on the saw, that " a living
ass is better than a dead lion," Roger contended
that he was as good a man as Captain O'Finn ;
he, Roger, being alive and merry in the town of
Ballinamore, while the departed commander had
i)ccn laid under a " counterpane of daisies" in
some counterscarp in the Low Countries. Ridily
192 ERIN-GO-BUAGH ; OR,
and I laughed at the feuds of our superiors ; and
on the evening of a desperate blow-up, we met
at sunset in the garden— agreed that the old
people were fools — and resolved that nothing
should interrupt our friendly relations. Of course
the treaty was ratified with a kiss, for I recollect
that next morning the cats were heavily censured
for capsizing a box of mignonette.
No wonder then that I parted from Biddy with
regret. 1 sat wdth her till we heard the quarter-
master scrape his feet at the hall-door on his
return from his club, and kissing poor Biddy ten-
derly, as Roger entered by the front, I levanted
by the back-door. I fancied myself desperately
in love, and was actually dreaming of my
dulcinea, when my aunt's maid called me before
day, to prepare for the stage-coach that was to
convey me to my regiment in Dublin.
In a few weeks an ensigncy dropped in, and I
got it. Time slipped insensibly away — months
became years — and three passed before I revisited
Ballinamore. I heard, at stated periods, from
Mrs. OTinn. The letters were generally a detail
of bad luck or bad health. For the last quarter
she had never marked honours — or for the last
week closed an eye with rheumatism and lum-
bago. Still, as these jeremiades covered my small
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 193
allowance, they were Avelcome as a lover's billet.
Of course, in these despatches the neighbours
were duly mentioned, and every calamity occur-
ring since her "last" was faithfully chronicled.
The IVtac Gawlys held a conspicuous place in my
aunt's quarterly notices, Biddy had got a new
gown — or Biddy had got a new piano — but since
the dragoons had come to town there was no
bearinor her. Youno; Hastinsrs was never out of
the house — she hoped it would end well — but
everybody knew a light dragoon could have little
respect for the daughter of a quarter-master ; and
Mrs. O'Finn ended her observations by hinting
that if Boger went seldomer to his club, and
Biddy more frequently to mass, why probably in
the end it would be better for both of them.
I re-entered the well-remembered street of
Ballinamore late in the evening, after an absence
of three years. My aunt was on a visit, and she
had taken that as a convenient season for having
her domicile newly painted. I halted at the inn,
and after dinner strolled over the way to visit my
quondam acquaintances, the Mac Gawlys.
If I had intended a surprise, my design would
have been a failure. The quarter-master's es-
tablishment were on the qui vive. The fact was,
that since the removal of the dragoons, Ballina-
VOL. I. K
194 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
more had been dull as ditch-water; the arrival
of a stranger in a post-chaise of course had
created a sensation in the place, and, before the
driver had unharnessed, the return of Lieutenant
O'Shaughnessy was regularly gazetted, and the
Mac Gawlys, in anticipation of a visit, w^ere ready
to receive me.
I knocked at the door, and a servant with a
beefsteak cohar opened it. Had Roger mounted
a livery ? Ay — faith — there it was ; and I
began to recollect that my aunt OTinn had
omened badly from the first moment a squadron
of the 13th lights had entered Ballinamore.
I found Roger in the hall. He shook my
hand, swore it was an agreeable surprise, ushered
me into the dining-room, and called for hot
water and tumblers. We sat down. Deeply
did he interest himself in all that had befallen
me — deeply regret the absence of my honoured
aunt — but I must not stay at the inn, I should
be his guest ; and, to my astonishment, it was
announced that the gentleman in the red collar
had been already despatched to transport my
luggage to the house. Excuses were idle. Roger's
domicile was to be head-quarters ; and when I
remembered my old flame, Biddy, I concluded
that I might for the short time I had to stay be
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 195
in a less agreeable establislimeiit than the honest
qnarter-ni aster's.
I was mortified to hear that Biddy had been
indisposed. It was a bad cold, she had not been
out for a month ; but she would muffle herself,
and meet me in the drawing-room. This, too,
was unluckily a night of great importance in the
club. The new curate was to be balloted for ;
Roger had proposed him; and, ergo, Roger, as
a true man, was bound to be present at the
ceremony. The thing was readily arranged. We
finished a second tumbler, the quarter-master be-
took himself to the King's Arms, and the
lieutenant, meaning myself, to the drawing-room
of my old inamorata.
There was a visible change in Roger's domicile.
The house was newly papered ; and, leaving the
livery aside, there was a great increase of gentility
throughout the whole estabhshment. Instead of
l)Ounding to the presence by three stairs at a
time, as I used to do in lang syne, I was cere-
moniously paraded to the lady's chamber by him
of the beefsteak collar; and there, reclining lan-
guidly on a sofa, and wrapped in a voluminous
shawl, Biddy ]\Iac Gawly held out her hand to
welcome her old confederate.
" My darling Biddy !"— " My dear Terence !"
K 2
196 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
and the usual preliminaries were got over. I
looked at my old flarae-r-she vf as greatly changed,
and three years had wrought a marvellous al-
teration. I left her a sprightly girl— she was
now a woman — and decidedly a very pretty one ;
although the rosiness of seventeen was gone, and
a delicacy that almost indicated bad health had
succeeded ; " but," thought I, " it's all owing to
the cold."
There was a guarded propriety in Biddy's
bearing, that appeared almost unnatural. The
warm advances of old friendship were repressed ;
and one who had mounted a flower- pot to kiss
me across a hedge, recoiled from any exhibition
of our former tenderness. Well, it was all as it
should be. Then I was a boy, and now a man.
Young women cannot be too particular, and
Biddy Mac Gawly rose higher in my estimation.
Biddy was stouter than she promised to be,
when we parted, but the eye was as dark and
lustrous, and the ankle as taper as when it last
had demolished a geranium. GraduaUy her
reserve abated ; old feelings removed a con-
strained formality — we laughed and talked — ay
— and kissed as we had done formerly; and
when the old quarter-master's latch-key was
heard unclosing the street-door, I found myself
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 197
admitting in confidence and a whisper, that " I
would marry if I could." What reply Biddy
would have returned, I cannot tell, for Roger
summoned me to the parlour ; and as her cold
prevented her from venturing down, she bade
me an affectionate good-night. Of course she
kissed me at parting — and it was done as
ardently and innocently as if the hawthorn hedge
divided us.
Roger had left his companions earlier than he
usually did, in order to honour me, his guest.
The new butler paraded oysters, and down we
sat tete-a-tete. When supper was removed, and
each had fabricated a red-hot tumbler from the
tea-kettle, the quarter-master stretched his long
legs across the hearth-rug, and with great ap-
parent solicitude inquired into all that had
befallen me since I had assumed the shoulder-
knot and taken to the trade of war.
"Humph!" — he observed — "two steps in
three years ; not bad, considering there was
neither money nor interest. D — it ! I often
wish that Biddy was a boy. Never was such a
time to purchase on. More regiments to be
raised, and promotion will be at a discount. Sir
Hugh Haughton married a stockbroker's widow
with half a \)\\im, and paid in the two thousand I
198 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
had lent him. Zounds ! if Biddy were a boy,
and that money well applied, 1 would have her
a regiment in a twelvemonth."
" Phew !" I thought to myself, " I see what
the old fellow is driving at."
" There never would be such another op-
})ortunity," Roger continued. " An increased
force will produce an increased difficulty in
eflPecting it. Men will be worth their own weight
in money ; and d — me, a fellow who could raise
a few, might have anything he asked for,"
I remarked that, mth some influence and a
good round sum, recruits might still be found.
"Ay, easy enough, and not much money
either, if one knew how to go about the thing.
Get two or three smart chaps ; let them watch
fairs and patterns, mind their hits when the
bumpkins got drunk, and find out when fellows
were hiding from a warrant. D — me, I would
raise a hundred, while you would say Jack
Robison. Pay a friendly magistrate ; attest the
scoundrels before they were sober enough to cry
off, bundle them to the regiment next morning ;
and if a rascal ran away after the commanding
officer passed a receipt for him, why all the
better, for you could relist him when he came
home again."
IRISH LIFE PICTURKS. 193
I listened attentively, though in all this the
cloven foot appeared. The whole was the plan of
a crimp ; and, if Roger was not belied, trafficking
in " food for powder" had realised more of his
wealth than slop-shoes and short measure.
During the development of his project for pro-
motion, the quarter-master and I had fovuid it
necessary to replenish frequently, and with the
third tumbler Roger came nearer to business.
" Often thought it a pity, and often said so in
the club, that a fine smashing fellow like you,
Terence, had not the stuff to push you on. What
the devil signifies family, and blood, and all that
balderdash ? There's your aunt, worthy woman ;
but sky-high about a dead captain. D — me, all
folly. Were I a young man, I'd get hold of some
girl with the wherewithal, and I would double-
distance half the highfliers for a colonelcy."
This was pretty significant — Roger had come
to tlie scratch, and there was no mistaking him.
We separated for tlie night. I dreamed, and in
fancy was blessed with a wife, and honoured with
a comiuand. Nothins; could be more entrancin<j;
than my visions; and wlien tlie quarter-master's
mailrc-cr/ukel roused me in tlie morning, I was
engaged in a IViendly argument with my beloved
Bitldy, as to which of his grandfathers our lu.ir
200 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
should be called after, and whether the lovely
babe should be christened Roderick or Roger.
Biddy was not at breakfast ; the confounded
cold still confined her to her apartment ; but she
hoped to meet me at dinner, and 1 must endure her
absence until then as 1 best could. Having en-
gaged to return at five, I walked out to visit my
former acquaintances. Prom all of them I re-
ceived a warm welcome, and all exhibited some
surprise at hearing that I was domesticated with
the quarter-master, I comprehended the cause
immediately. My aunt and Roger had probably
a fresh quarrel ; but his delicacy had prevented
him from communicating it. This certainly in-
creased my respect for the worthy man, and made
me estimate his hospitality the more highly. Still
there was an evident reserve touching the Mac
Gawlys ; and once or twice, when dragoons w^re
mentioned, I fancied I could detect a significant
look pass between the persons with whom I was
conversing.
It was late wdicn I had finished my calls ;
Roger had requested me to be regular to time,
and five was fast approaching. I turned my steps
towards his dwelling-place, when, at a corner of
a street, I suddenly encountered an old school-
fellow on horseback, and great was our mutual
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 201
delight at meeting so unexpectedly. We were
both hurried, however, and consequently our
greeting was a short one. After a few general
questions and replies, we were on the point of
separating, when my friend pulled up.
" But where are you hanging out ?" said
Frederick Maunsell. •' I know your aunt is
absent."
" I am at old Mac Gawly's."
" The devil you are ! Of course you heard all
about Biddy and young Hastings ?"
" Not a syllable. Tell it to me."
" I have not time — it's a long story ; but
come to breakfast, and I'll give you all the par-
ticulars in the morning. Adieu !" He struck
the spurs to his horse, and cantered off,
suiKuio:-
"Oh ! she loved a bold dragoon.
With his long sword, saddle, bridle."
I was thunderstruck. " Confound the drac;oonl"
thought I, " and his long sword, saddle, and
briille, into the bargain. Gad ! I wish INIaunsell
had told me what it was. Well — what, suppose
I ask Biddy herself?" I had half resolved that
evening to have asked her a very different ques-
K 3
20:2 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR.
tion ; but, 'faitli ! I determined now to make
some inquiries touching Cornet Hastings of the
13th, before Miss Biddy Mac Gawly should be
invited to become Mrs. O'Shaughnessy.
My host announced that dinner was quite
ready, and I found Biddy in the eating-room.
She was prettily dressed, as an invalid should be ;
and, notwithstanding lier cold, looked remark-
ably handsome. I should to a certainty have
been over head and ears in love, had not
Maunsell's inuendo respecting the young dragoon
operated as a damper.
Dinner proceeded as dinners always do, and
Roger was bent on hospitality. I fancied that
Biddy regarded me with some interest, while
momentarily I felt an increasing tenderness that
would have ended, I suppose, in a direct de-
claration, but for the monitory hint which I had
received from my old schoolfellow. I was dying
to know what Maunsell's allusion pointed at, and
I casually threw out a feeler
" And you are so dull, you say ? Yes, Biddy,
you must miss the dragoons sadly. By the way,
there was a friend of mine here. Did you know
Tom Hastings?"
I never saw an elderly gentleman and his
daughter more confused. Biddy blushed like a
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 203
peony, and Roger seemed desperately botliored.
At last the quarter-master responded.
" Fact is — as a military man, showed the
cavalry some attention — constantly at the house
— anxious to be civil — helped them to make out
forage — but d — d wild — obliged to cut, and keep
them at a distance."
"Ay, jNIaunscU hinted something of that."
I thought Biddy would have fainted, and Roger
grew red as the footman's collar.
" Pshaw ! d — d gossiping chap that IMaunsell.
Young Hastings — infernal hemp — used to ride
with Riddy. Persuaded her to get on a horse of
his — ran away — threw her — confined at this inn
for a week — never admitted him to my house
aftenvards."
Oh ! here was tlie whole mystery unravelled !
No wonder Roger was indignant, and that Biddy
would redden at the recollection. It was devilish
unhandsome of Mr. Hastings ; and I expressed
my opinion in a way that evidently pleased my
host and his heiress, and showed how miicli I
disapproved of the conduct of that roue the
dragoon.
My fair friend rose to leave us. Her shawl
caught m the chair, and I was struck with t he-
striking change a few years had cflected in ni}
204 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR
J \J LX,,
old playfellow. She was grown absolutely stout.
I involuntarily noticed it.
" Lord ! Biddy, how fat you are grown !"
A deeper blush than even when I named that
uckless dragoon flushed to her very brows at the
observation, while the quarter-master rather
testily exclaimed,
" Ay, she puts on her clothes as if they were
tossed on with a pitchfork, since she got this
cold. D — it ! Biddy, I say, tighten yourself,
woman ! Tighten vourself, or I won't be
plased 1"
Well, here was a load of anxiety removed,
and Maunsell's mischievous inuendo satisfac-
torily explained away. Biddy was right in
resenting the carelessness that exposed her to
ridicide and danger ; and it was a proper feeling
in the old quarter-master to cut the man w^ho
would mount his heiress on a break-neck horse.
Gradually we resumed the conversation of last
night — there was the regiment, if I chose to
have it — and when Roger departed for the club,
I made up my mind, while ascending the stairs,
to make a splice with Biddy, and become
Colonel O'Shaughnessy.
Thus determined, I need not particularise
what passed upon the sofa. My wooing was
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 205
sharp, short, and decisive; and no affected
delicacy restrained Biddy from confessing that
the flame was mutuaL My fears had been
moonshine ; my suspicions groundless. Biddy
had not valued the dragoon a brass button ; and
— poor soul ! — she hid her head upon my shoul-
der, and, in a soft whisper, acknowledged that
she never had cared a iraneeine* for anybody in
the wide world but myself !
It was a moment of exquisite delight. I told
her of my prospects, and mentioned the quarter-
master's conversation. Biddy listened with
deep attention. She blushed — strove to speak
— stopped — was embarrassed. I pressed her to
be courageous ; and at last she deposited her
head upon my breast, and bashfully hinted that
Roger was old — avarice was the vice of age —
he was fond of money — he was hoarding it
certainly for her -. but still, it would be better
that my promotion should be secured. Roger
had now the cash in his own possession. If we
were married without delay, it would be trans-
ferred at once ; whereas something that might
appear to him advantageous might ofi'er, and
induce her father to invest it. But she was
really shocked at herself — such a proposition
* Anglicl', ajackstraw.
206 ERIN-GO-BllAGH ; OR,
would appear so indelicate ; but still, a hus-
band's interests were too dear to be sacrificed to
maiden timidity.
I never estimated Biddy's worth till now.
She united the foresight of a sage with the
devotion of a woman. I would have been in-
sensible indeed, had I not testified my regard
and admiration ; and Biddy was still resting on
my shoulder, when the quarter-master's latch-key
announced his return from the club.
After supper, I apprised Roger of my passion
for his daughter, and modestly admitted that I
had found favour in her sight. He heard my
communication, and frankly confessed that I was
a son-in-law he most approved of. Emboldened
by the favourable reception of my suit, I ven-
tured to hint at an early day, and pleaded " a
short leave between returns," for precipitancy.
The quarter-master met me like a man.
" When people wished to marry, why, delay
was balderdash. Matters could be quickly and
quietly managed. His money was ready — no
bonds or post-obits — a clean thousand in hand,
and another the moment an opening to purchase
a step should occur. No use in mincing matters
among friends. Mrs. O'Finn was an excellent
woman : she was a true friend and a good
HUSH LIFE PICTURES. 207
Catholic ; but d — it, slie had okl-world notions
about faniil}'^, and in pride the devil was a fool
to her. If she came home before the ceremony,
there would be an endless fuss ;" and Roger con-
cluded by suggesting that we should be married
the next evening, and give my honoured aunt an
agreeable surprise.
That was precisely what I wanted ; and a
happier man never pressed a pillow than I,
after my interesting colloquy with the quarter-
master.
The last morning of my celibacy dawned. I
met Roger only at the breakfast table ; for my
beloved Biddy, between cold and virgin trepida-
tion, was hoi's de combat, and signified in a
tender billet her intention to keep her chamber,
until the happy hour arrived that should unite
us in the silken bonds of Hymen. The quarter-
master undertook to conduct the nuptial pre-
parations : a friend of his would perform the
ceremony, and the quieter the thing was done
the better. After breakfast he set out to com-
plete all matrimonial arrangements, and 1
strolled into the garden to ruminate on my
approaching happiness, and bless Heaven for
the treasure I was destined to possess in Biddy
Mac Gawly.
208 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
No place could have been more appropriately
selected for tender meditation. There was the
conscious hedge, that had witnessed the first
kiss of love ; ay, and, for aught I knew to the
contrary, the identical flower-pot on which her
sylphic form had rested ; — sylphic it was no
longer, for the slender girl had ripened into a
stout and comely gentlewoman ; and she would
be mine — mine that very evening.
"Ah! Terence," I said in an under-tone,
" few men at twenty-one have drawn such a
prize. A thousand pounds ! ready cash — a regi-
ment in perspective — a wife in hand ; and such
a wife — young, artless, tender, and attached.
By everything matrimonial, you have the luck of
thousands !"
My soliloquy • was interrupted by a noise on
the other side of the fence. I looked over. It
was my aunt's maid; and great was our mutual
astonishment, Judy blessed herself as she
ejaculated —
" Holy Virgin ! Master Terence, is that you ?"
I satisfied her of my identity, and learned to
my unspeakable surprise that my aunt had
returned unexpectedly, and that she had not the
remotest suspicion that her affectionate nephew,
myself, was cantoned within pistol-shot. With-
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 209
out consideration I hopped over the hedge, and
next minute was in the presence of my honoured
protectress, the rehct of the departed captain.
" Blessed angels !" exclaimed Mrs. O'Finn, as
she took me to her arms, and favoured me with
a kiss, in which there was more blackguard*
than ambrosia. " Arrah ! Terence, jewel ! what
the devil drove ye here ? Lord pardon me for
mentioning him !"
" My duty, dear aunt. 1 am but a week
landed from Jersey, and could not rest till
I got leave from the colonel to run down be-
tween returns, and pay you a hurried visit.
Lord ! how well you look !"
" Ah ; then, Terence, jewel, it's hard for me
to look well, considering the way I have been
fretted by the tenants, and afflicted with the
lumbago. Denis Clark — may the widow's curse
follow him wherever he goes ! — bundled off to
America with a neighbour's wife, and a year and
a half's rent along with her, the thief ! And
then, since Holland tide, I have not had a day's
health."
" Well, from your looks I should never have
supposed it. Jkit you were visiting at INIeldrum
Castle?"
* Coarse IrisL suuff.
210 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
"Yes, faitli, and a clear visit it was. Nothing
but half-crown whist, and unhmited brag. Lost
seventeen points last Saturday night. It w^as
Sunday morning, Lord pardon us for playing !
But what was that to my luck yesterday even-
ing ! Bragged twice for large pools, with red
nines and black knaves ; and Mrs. Cooney, both
times, showed natural aces ! If ever woman
sold herself, she has. The Lord stand between
us and evil ! Well, Terence, you'll be expect-
ing your quarter's allowance. We'll make it
out some-how — Heigho ! Between bad cards
and run-away tenants, I can't attend to my soul
as I ought, and Holy Week coming 1"
I expressed due sympathy for her losses, and
regretted that her health, bodily and spiritual,
was so indifferent.
"I have no good news for you, Terence,"
continued Mrs. O'Finn. " Your brother Arthur
is following your poor father's example, and
ruining himself wdth hounds and horses. He's
a weak and wilful man, and nothing can save
him, I fear. Though he never treated me with
proper respect, I strove to patch up a match
between him and Miss Mac Teggart. Five
thousand down upon the nail, and three hundred
a year, failing her mother. I asked her here on
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 211
a visit, and, though he had ridden past without
calUng on me, wrote him my plan, and invited
hiui to meet her. \Vhat do you think, Terence,
was his reply ? Why, that Miss Mac Teggart
might go to Bath, for he would have no call
to ray swivel-eyed customers. There was a
return for my kindness ! as if a woman with
five thousand down, and three hundred a year in
expectation, was required to look straight. Ah !
Terence, I wish you had been here. She went
to Dublin, and was picked up in a fortnight."
Egad ! here was an excellent opportunity to
broach my own success. There could be no
harm in making the commander's widow a
confidante ; and, after all, she had a claim upon
me as my early protectress,
" My dear aunt, I cannot be surprised at
your indignation. Arthur was a fool, and lost
an opportunity that never may occur again. In
fact, my dear madam, I intended to have given
you an agreeable surprise. I — 1 — I am on —
the very brink of matrimony !"
" Holy Bridget !" exclaimed Mrs. OTinn, as
she crossed herself devoutly.
** Yes, ma'am. I am engaged to a lady with
two thousand pounds."
" Is it ready, Terence ?" said my aunt.
212 ERIN-GO-BRAGK ; OR,
" Down on the table before the priest puts on
his vestment."
" Arrah — my blessing attencl ye, Terence. I
knew you would come to good. Is she
young ?"
" Just twenty."
" Is she good-looking ?"
" More than that ; extremely pretty, innocent,
and artless."
" Arrah — give me another kiss, for I'm proud
of ye ;" and Captain OTinn's representative
clasped me in ^ her arms,
" But the family, Terence ; remember the old
stock. Is she one of us ?"
" She is highly respectable. An only daugh-
ter, with excellent expectations."
" What is her father, Terence?"
" A soldier, ma'am."
" Lord ! — quite enough. He's by profession
a gentleman ; and we can't expect to find every
day descendants from the kings of Connaught,
like the O'Shaughnessys and the O'Finns. But
when is it to take place, Terence ?"
" Why, faith, ma'am, it was a bit of a secret j
but I can keep nothing from you."
" And why should ye ? Haven't I been to
you more than a mother, Terence ?"
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 213
" I am to be married this evening."
"This evening! Holy Saint Patrick! and
you're sure of the money? It's not a rent-
charge — nothing of bills or bonds ?"
" Nothing but bank-notes ; nothing but the
aragudh-sheese"*
" Oh ! my blessing be upon ye night and
day. Arrah, Terence, what's lier name ?"
" You'll not mention it. We want the thing
done quietly."
" Augh, Terence ; and do you think T would
let anything ye told me slip? By this cross," —
and Mrs. O'Finn bisected the fore-finocr of her
left hand with the corresponding digit of the
right one, — " the face of clay shall never be the
wiser of anything ye mention !"
After this desperate adjuration there was no
refusing my aunt's request.
" You know her well," and 1 looked extremely
cunning.
"Do I, Terence? Let me see — I have it.
It's Ellen Robinson. No — though her money's
safe, there's but five hundred ready."
" Guess again, aunt."
" Is it Bessie Lloyd ? No — though the old
miller is rich as a Jew, he would not part a
* Anglici, cash down.
214 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
guinea to save the whole human race, or make
his daughter a duchess."
" Par from the mark as ever, aunt."
" Well," returned Mrs. O'Finn with a sigh,
" I'm fairly puzzled."
'* Whisper !" and I playfully took her hand,
and put my lips close to her cheek. " It's — "
" Who ? — who, for the sake of Heaven ?"
"Biddy Mac Gawly!"
" Oh, Jasus !" ejaculated the captain's relict,
as she sank upon a chair. " I'm murdered !
Give me my salts, there. Terence O'Shaugh-
nessy, don't touch me. I put the cross between
us," and she made a crucial flourish with her
hand. " You have finished me, ye villain.
Holy Virgin ! what sins have I committed, that
I should be disgraced in my old age ? Meat
never crossed my lips of a Eriday ; I was regu-
lar at mass, and never missed confession ; and,
when the company were honest, played as fair
as everybody else. I wish I was at peace with
poor dear Pat O'Finn. Oh ! murder ! mur-
der !"
I stared in amazement. If Roger Mac Gawly
had been a highwayman, his daughter could not
have been an object of greater horror to Mrs.
O'Finn. At last I mustered words to attempt
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 215
to reason with lier, but to my desultory appeals
she returned abuse fit only for a pickpocket to
receive.
" Hear me, madam."
" Oh, you common ommadawn !"*
" For Heaven's sake, listen !"
" Oh ! that the O'Finns and the O'Shaugh-
ncssys should be disgraced by a mean-spirited
ffommougef of 3 our kind !"
" You won't hear me."
" Biddy Mac Gawly ! " she exclaimed.
" Why, bad as my poor brother, your father,
was — and though he too married a devil that
helped to ruin him, she was at all events a lady
in her own right, and cousin-gcrman to Lord
Lowestoffe. But — you — you unfortunate dis-
ciple."
I began to wax warm, for my aunt compli-
mented me with all the abuse she could muster,
and there never was a cessation but when her
breath failed.
" AVhy, what have I done ? What am I about
doing ?" I demanded.
" Just going," returned Mrs. O'Finn, " to make
a Judy Fitzsimmons mother of yourself !"
" And is it," said I, " because Miss Mac
* A fool. f A simplctou.
216 EKIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
Gawly can't count her pedigree from Fin Maconl
that she should not discharge the duties of a
wife ?"
My aunt broke in upon me,
" There's one thing certain, that she'll dis-
charge the duties of a mother. Heavens ! if you
had married a girl with only a blast* your con-
nexions might brazen it out. But a woman in
such a bare-faced condition ! — as if her staying
in the house these three months could blind the
neighbours, and close their mouths."
" Well in the devil's name, will you say what
objection exists to Biddy Mac Gawly making me
a husband to-night ?"
"And a papa in three months afterwards !"
rejoined my loving aunt.
If a shell had burst in the bivouac, I could
not have been more electrified. Dark suspicions
flashed across my mind — a host of circumstances
confirmed my doubts ; and I implored the widow
of the defunct dragoon to tell me all she knew.
It was a simple, altliough, as far as I was con-
cerned, not a flattering narrative. Biddy had
commenced an equestrian novitiate under the
tutelage of Lieutenant Hastings. Her progress
in the art of horsemanship was, no doubt, very
* Anglice, a flaw of the reputation.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 217
satisfactory, and the pupil and the professor fre-
quently rode out tete-a-tele. Biddy, poor soul 1
was fearful of exhibiting any maladresse, and, of
course, roads less frequented than the king's
highway were generally chosen for her riding
lessons. Gradually these excursions became
more extensive ; twiliglit, and in summer too,
often fell, before the quarter-master's heiress had
returned ; and on one unfortunate occasion she
was absent for a week. This caused a desperate
conmiotion in the town ; the dowagers and old
maids sat in judgment on the case, and declared
Biddy no longer visitable. In vain her absence
was ascril)ed to accident — a horse had run away
— she was thrown — her ankle sprained— and she
was detained unavoidably at a country inn until
the injury was abated.
In this state of things the dragoons were or-
dered off; and it was whispered that there had
been a desperate blow-up between the young
lady's preceptor the lieutenant, and her papa the
quarter-master. Once only had Biddy ventured
out upon the mall ; but she was cut dead by her
quondam acquaintances. From that day she
seldom appeared abroad ; and when she did, it
was always in the evening, and even then closely
muffled up. No wonder scandal was rife touching
VOL. I. J,
218 ERIN-GO-BllAGH ; OR,
the causes of her seclusion. A few charitably
ascribed it to bad health — others to disappoint-
ment — but the greater proportion of the fair sex
attributed her confinement to the true cause, and
whispered that Miss Mac Gawly was " as ladies
wished to be who love their lords."
Here was a solution to the mystery ! It was
now pretty easy to comprehend why Biddy was
swathed like a mummy, and Roger so ready with
his cash. No wonder the demoiselle was anxious
to abridge delay, and the old crimp so ol)liging
in procuring a priest and preparing all requisite
matters for immediate hymeneals. What was to
be done ? What, but denounce the frail fair one,
and annihilate that villain her father. Without a
word of explanation I caught up my hat, and left
the house in a hurry, and Mrs. OTinn, in a state of
nervousness that threatened to become hysterical.
When I reached the quarter-master's habitation,
I hastened to my own apartment, and got ray
traps together in double quick. I intended to
have abdicated quietly, and favoured the intended
Mrs. O'Shaughnessy with an epistle communi-
cating the reasons that induced me to decline the
honour of her hand ; but on the landing my
worthy father-in-law cut off my retreat, and a
tete-a-tete became unavoidable. He appeared in
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 219
great spirits at the success of his interview with
the parson.
" Well, Terence, I have done the business.
The old chap made a parcel of objections ; but
he's poor as Lazarus — slily slipped him ten
])Ounds, and that quieted his scruples. He's
ready at a moment's warning."
" He's a useful person," I replied, drily ; " and
all you want is a son-in-law."
" A what ?" exclaimed the father of Miss
Biddy.
" A son-in-law."
" AVhy, what the devil do you mean ?"
" Not a jot more or less than what I say. You
have procured the priest, but I suspect the bride-
groom will not be forthcoming."
" Zounds sir ! do you mean to treat my
(laughter with disrespect ?"
" Upon consideration, it would be hardly fair
to deprive my old friend Hastings of his ])upil.
Why, with anotiier week's private tuition Bidd)
might offer her services to Astley."
"Sir, — if you mean to be impertinent, — " and
Roger began to bluster, while the noise brought
the footman to tlie hall, and Miss Biddy to the
banisters " sliawled to the nose." I beu;an to lose
temper.
L 2
220 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
" Why, you infernal old crimp !"
" You audacious young scoundrel !"
" Oil, Jasus ! gentlemen ! Pace, for the sake
of the blessed Mother !" cried the butler from
below.
" Father, jewel ! Terence, my only love 1"
screamed Miss Biddy over the staircase. " What
is the matter?"
" He wants to be off !" roared the quarter-
master.
" Stop, Terence, or you'll have my life to
answer for."
" Lord, Biddy, how fat you are grown !"
" You shall fulfil your promise," cried Roger,
" or I'll write to the Horse Guards, and me-
morial the commander-in-chief."
" You may memorial your best friend, the
devil, you old crimp !" and I forced my way
to the hall.
" Come back, you deceiver !" exclaimed Miss
Mac Gawly.
" Arrah, Biddy, go tighten yourself," said I.
" Oh, I'm fainting !" screamed Roger's heiress.
" Don't let him out !" roared her sire.
The gentleman with the beefsteak collar made
a demonstration to interrupt my retreat, and in
return received a box on the ear that sent him
half-way down the kitchen stairs.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 221
" There," I said, " give that to the old rogue,
your master, with my best compHmcnts," — and
bounding from the hall-door, Biddy Mac Gawly,
like Lord UUin's daughter, " was left lamenting !"
Well, there is no describing the rookawn* a
blow-up like this occasioned in a country town.
I was unmercifully quizzed; but the quarter-
master and his heiress found it advisable to
abdicate. Roger removed his household gods to
the metropolis ; Miss Biddy favoured him in due
time with a grandson ; and when I returned from
South America, I learned that " this lost love of
mine" had accompanied a Welsh lieutenant to
the hymeneal altar, who, not being " over par-
ticular" about trifles, had obtained on the same
morning a wife, an heir, and an estate — with
Roger's blesshig into the bargain.
* Anglice, coufusiou.
222 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
ROBERT EMMETT AND ARTHUR AYLMER;
OR, DUBLIN IN 1803.
Throughout the morning of the 23rcl of June,
1803, strange and confused rumours were pre-
valent in the Irish capital — vague whisperings
were interchanged that treason was abroad ; all
shook their heads suspiciously, but none ventured
to point out the quiver from which the arrow
should be discharged, or name a probable period
for the expected explosion.
It would be idle to suppose that coming events,
known to all besides, were concealed from the
executive, and that for several preceding days
their employes had not assured the government
that an e'meute might be momentarily expected.
The information, however, did not come directly
through the Vidocq of the day ; and it is more
probable it did not suit Major Sirr's purpose to
disclose his knowledge of the conspiracy until it
had become more extended and matured.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 223
A wilder scheme was never devised by a mad
enthusiast ; and how Emmett could have carried
on his preparations undiscovered as he did, and to
the very evening of the insurrection, is astonish-
ing. His arsenal — a deserted malt-house — was
situated in the heart of a district densely popu-
lated ; many persons were employed in fabricating
weapons, filling cartridges, and forming hanu-
grenades ; numbers were seen entering and
departing from a building which for years had
been unoccupied ; and yet this unaccountable
circumstance appears neither to have excited
suspicion nor provoked inquiry, nor did an acci-
dental explosion of gunpowder create more alai-m
than the disappearance of a drunken tailor, who
had been kidnapped and confined in the depot
to make a general's uniform for the chief con-
spirator.
Robert Enuuett was a gentleman by birth,
well educated, and possessed talents of the high-
est order; liis personal ap})carance w^as very
favourable, his manner polished, and his dis-
position kind and generous. But on one subject
he was decidedly monomaniac, and that was, in
his enthusiastic attachment to what he fancied
was civil liberty. In 1798 he was obliged to
quit the country ; no change, however, " came
224 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
o'er tlie spirit of his dream," and lie returned to
Ireland early in 1803, not shaken, but madly
confirmed in the wildest theories of ultra-
republicanism. The impracticable project for
overturning the government was too desperate
for a reasoning man to contemplate, and it could
therefore be nothing but the phantasy of " a mind
uiseased." He repudiated foreign aid, and at
home he had none to countenance his mad at-
tempt but a few of the lowest of the citizens.
On a score or two muskets, some hundred pikes,
and any of the rabble who would be persuaded
to receive them, his wild expectations rested ;
and never was a political superstructure raised on
sandier foundation than in rehance on an Irish
mob.
Emraett for some time had been under the
surveillance of the metropolitan police, and con-
sequently had lived in close concealment. His
days were passed in the malt-house, superintend-
ing his military preparations, and in the evening
he retired to the house of a deluded tradesman,
which, from its immediate vicinity to his depot,
was to one circumstanced as he was particularly
convenient.
That a discovery of his plot against the
government might hourly be expected, Emmett
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 225
had good reason to conclude; and the only des-
perate alternative left to the mad adventurer was,
to draw the sword at once, and precipitate the
outbreak.
I said that Emmctt's associates were confined
to the lowest classes of society ; but there was a
solitary exception. A young gentleman, of ruined
fortunes, had desperately entered into the con-
s[)iracy ; and while Emmett saw nothing but
what was brilliant in the distance. Arthur
Aylmer felt assured that success was altogether
hopeless.
Aylmer was a man of ancient family. His
father, after dissipating a goodly inheritance in
horse-racing and electioneering, left his only son
an orphan ; and an unmarried uncle, a gentleman
of large property, adopted him, and announced
him to be his heir. A\'ith Emmett, Aylmer had
been a student in the Dublin university; and,
while his friend cultivated a fine taste and in-
culcated his dangerous doctrines, Aylmer wasted
neither time nor thought on ])olitical tlicorics,
but led a gay and careless life in evening revelries
and morning amusements. Fine as the college
vouth were then, none in the manlier exercises
could compete with Arthur Aylmer. lie was
the best hurler of his day, threw the sledge
L 3
226 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OB,
farther than any of his compeers, and, in a run-
ning leap, was held to be unrivalled. By a
singular coincidence, Aylmer and Emmett on the
same morning had obtained an imfortunate
notoriety ; the former was expelled for fighting a
duel, the latter upon charges of sedition.
Pardonable as the first offence was, at a period
when duelling was so much the order of the day
that even the judges of the land would send and
accept a challenge, Aylmer's expulsion was never
forgiven by his uncle, and time, instead of heal-
ing, appeared to enlarge the breach. At last the
old man, by an insane marriage with a girl who
might have been taken rather for a grand-
daughter than a wife, annihilated every hope his
nephew might have still indulged of succeeding
to his uncle's fortune. Debts, contracted when
he considered himself about to inherit a fine
estate, now pressed heavily on the unfortunate
young gentleman. His creditors, as his prospects
became more overclouded, became in turn more
urgent; writs were issued, which he could only
avoid by personal concealment. Literally with-
out a guinea, a mad attempt or a debtor's prison
was the only alternative left him ; and, reckless
of a life, which he now regarded as worse than
valueless, Aylmer sheltered himself in the depot,
IRISH LIl'E PICTURES. 227
and agreed to take part in a wild emeute, wliicli
lie knew would consign its leaders to the scaf-
fold.
It was five o'clock in the afternoon, and on
that night an outbreak, once postponed, was to
be attempted at every hazard. All the materiel
within the arsenal of the conspirators was now
being placed in readiness ; and the mad en-
thusiast who had devised the conspiracy, and the
reckless man who had joined it, were personally
superintending the preparations for the intended
insurrection. Against the walls of a large and
desolate-looking loft, hundreds of pikes were
resting — fire-arms, grenades, and cartridges were
spread loosely over the floor ; several beams,
hollowed and filled with powder, and planks
thickly studded with spike-nails to ini[)e(le
cavalry, wxtc placed against an open window to
launch into the street. All was bustle, and some
twenty men were employed in active prepai'ation
for one of the wildest attempts which history
records.
Screened by some packing-cloths, a corner of
the wretched building was considered pri\ati',
and appropriated to " the general," as })0()r
Emniett called himself. A deal table, two cra/y
chairs, and a desk com})riseil the furniture, and
228 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
there, after a hurried meal, the two conspirators
were seated : all was in perfect keeping with the
place. Two vulgar wine-glasses and an un-
decanted bottle of port- wine were placed upon
the table,
"You seem dispirited, Arthur; come, rouse
thee, man ! — the wine is not amiss, although our
table appointments are of the plainest order.
Well ; 'tis the last night we shall be constrained
to play at hide-and-seek ; and, before this time
to-morrow evening the metropolis will be — "
" Marvelling that men could be out of Bedlam,
who were half so mad as we," exclaimed Aylmer,
as he broke in upon the unfinished sentence.
Emmett coloured to the brows. " If you
think the attempt so unpromising, why persevere ?
You are still a free agent, and need not commit
yourself — you have ample time to recede. Your
secret rests in a breast that never will betray it ;
and, excepting myself, none even know your
name."
" My dear Emmett, I have never concealed
from you the fact, that circumstances, and not
fancy, have made me your partizan," returned
Aylmer ; " there are secret springs Avliich in-
fluence human actions, and mine obey their guid-
ance : attend to me a moment. You know the
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 22.}
cruel disappoiiilment which cherished assurances
of wealth, and all that is attendant on it, inflicts
on him who was taught from infancy to look to
a noble inheritance as his, and at manhood finds
his dream suddenly dispelled, and himself thrown
on tlie world, worse even than a pauper. AYould
you believe me when I tell you, that, even after
the dotard's marriage, some whisperings of hope
sustained me; but this day the final blow has
been delivered, and there is nothing in this world
now, as far as I am concerned, to occasion either
hope or fear."
He took a newspaper from his pocket, pointed
out a paragraph as he handed it across the table
to his companion, and then continued.
" Read, my fiicnd, and then say whether my
ruin is not fully consummated."
Enmiett took the paper, and, in an under tone,
rapidly repeated the paragraph : —
" Yesterday, at Aylmer Castle, the lady of
Reginald Aylmer was safely delivered of a son
and heir. The universal joy which this happy
event occasioned was evideiiced by a general de-
monstration of delight ; when darkness came, on
every height bonfires were blazing."
" Nay, stop, my dear Enimett ; these agreeable
details are nut particularly gratifying to me.
230 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
Whatever doubts I entertained before of joining
in the intended outbreak are now removed, and
for a thousand pounds, by heaven, I would not
now hold back !"
" I do not exactly see how far this occurrence
can have removed your previous scruples," was
the remark.
" A very few words will explain it," replied
Aylmer. " You are, my dear Emmett, a political
enthusiast — forgive me, I mean you no offence — ■
and so also is my uncle, although you differ in
opinion widely as the poles are apart. Seek
Ireland over, you will not find a more bigoted
Orangeman than he ; he might feel some regret
at seeing a mad dog hanged, but he would be
particularly gratified in assisting to string up a
rebel. He prides himself on the loyalty of his
name, and, as T am well convinced, would nmch
rather that any of his lineage were accused of
highway-robbery than sedition. Were T thrown
into a jail he would treat the matter with indif-
ference, and probably dole out through the
keeper enough to prevent the prodigal from
starving. A ruined nephew has caused him no
regret — a rebel nephew will wring his withers to
the quick ! Yes, old dotard ! I'll mar your fes-
tivities when you least expect it ; and while you
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 231
pride yourself on a youthful heir, the paper that
records his birth will recall to memory your
traitor kinsman. What hour is this affair to
commence ?"
" At twilight," was the reply.
" Then shall I be with you punctually ; one
visit must be paid, and then the sooner the world
and I shake hands and part, the better,"
Aylmcr rose from the table — was cautiously
led out of the building into the narrow lane, the
door wtis jealously secured, and, proceeding by
the most private and unfrequented streets, he
left the wretched locality for one of the chosen
resorts of fashion.
Artluir Aylmer we have described as combin-
ing what are generally found to be physically
opposite, uncommon strength and great activity.
When nature is liberal in some gifts, she often
plays the niggard regarding others ; but in
Aylmer's case the fickle dame had made a gene-
rous exception. No ponderous outlines marred
the symmetry of his figure while they marked its
strengtli ; no meagre and sinewy frame-work
promised a remarkable agility. His appearance
was, at the same time, graceful and conunand-
ing ; while in a face, whose expression was ex-
ceedingly prepossessing, not a feature could Jiave
been objected to.
232 ETITN-GO-BRA.GH , OR,
As a student, Arthur Aylmer was an idler ;
but who coukl have waded through the stupid
reading which a university course then imposed
but some dull mortal, to whose heavy intellect
Pope and Shakspeare were incomprehensible?
But Aylmer was a man of better taste ; and
while De Lolme and Burlemaqui were thrown
aside, the old dramatists and all the hghter
literature of the day were more pleasantly and
profitably substituted.
Never had a brilliant career closed more sadly
and unexpectedly ; one short year before, men
envied and women worshipped Reginald Aylmer's
then acknowledged heir. All that could intoxi-
cate youthful vanity had assailed him, and
whether he hurled in the park, or danced in the
gay assembly, on him admiring looks were cen-
tred. To personal advantages, others which in-
fluence society were superadded. Aylmer had
birth, position, and prospective fortune, and for
him many a beauty sighed, and on him many a
mother speculated ; but he was love-proof — his
heart. was already preoccupied. With Irish gal-
lantry, Aylmer returned the flattering incense
abundantly offered him by the fair ; and while
all praised his agreeability, none asserted that a
sentence had ever passed his lips which indicated
a warmer feeling than the customary homage
IRISH IJFE PICTURES. 233
which woman commands and man acknow-
ledges,
Ayhner loved — not wisely, but too well — the
beautiful daughter of a high legal functionary,
who had fought his way to the judge's ermine.
Let the reader not start at the phrase — ay,
fought ; for in those days, strange as it may
sound to English ears, the pistol was the surest
passpoi't to the bench, and by personal intrepi-
dity, rather than forensic talent, a friendless
lawyer had thus made his way to fortune. The
times were oat of joint, daring was better than
desert ; and a man, in boyhood destined for the
priesthood, at fifty saw a name, originally con-
ferred upon a peasant's son, recorded proudly in
the peerage.
No matter what profession he might have se-
lected, in it Lord would have risen to emi-
nence ; the head was admirably gifted, but nature
had sent him into the world without a heart. He
possessed determined courage, with a conscience
that owned no scruples ; and the whole objects
of his existence seemed centred in despotic power.
To ready and efficient agents — and none others
would he enn)loy — he Mas ever a nuuiificeiit
patron, and ])Iace, pension, and distinction were
showered upon minions whom he secretly and
234 ERIN-GO-BRA GH ; OR,
heartily despised. But it was the tool, and not
the man that he rewarded.
Such was the celebrated Lord . There
was but one being upon earth he was supposed
to love, and that love was secondary to his all-
engrossing ambition. The world did not hesitate
to assert, that, had pride demanded the sacrifice,
like another Jephtha, Lord would not have
scrupled to find the victim in his daughter.
In every leading point of character, never was
child so like a parent as Lady Caroline was like
the judge. Sumptuously beautiful, could report
be trusted, Ireland did not produce her peer.
Under fascinating manners she concealed a mas-
culine and imperious disposition ; and, while she
exacted homage, she despised it. Cold to the
feelings of all beside, she trifled with those who
worshipped at the shrine of beauty until she tired
of the incense profusely offered, and then her de-
light appeared to He in rudely crushing the hopes
her smiles had fostered. But, cold as her worth-
less heart was, it owned a solitary impression ;
and, so far as a being like herself could know
what love was, she felt that passion for Arthur
Aylmer.
Never was man better fitted to become the
dupe of dangerous beauty than Reginald Aylmer's
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 235
discarded lieir. In liim every thought and act
were open and impulsive ; and when Lady Caro-
hne hstened with briUiant smiles to his tale of
ardent love, and told him in return that
" All which his lips impassioned swore,"
was faithfully reciprocated, had an angel whispered
a doubt against the fair one's constancy, Aylmer
woidd have repudiated the suspicion. From per-
sonal observation, as well as the private admis-
sions of his daughter, Lord was perfectly
aware of the existing liaison, and, in the fashion-
able circles, a speedy union between the parties
was spoken of as a settled affair. The very
morning which preceded the fatal duel, Aylmer
was engaged in writing a letter to his uncle, an-
nouncing the engagement and soliciting his ap-
proval.
When the old man's angry feelings towards
his rash nephew became generally known, an
evident coldness in Lord 's manner was re-
marked, and Arthur fancied that a change had
come over the bearing even of the lady of his love.
But, when it was reported that the irritated uncle
talked of disinheritance, increasinn; formalitv on
the father's part and frequent " not-at-liomcs" by
the daughter, coniirmed what before had been
236 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
mere suspicion. Too soon the coup de tonnerre
descended ; and the old man's marriage, by the
same blow, annihilated every hope of pardon and
extinguished the torch of love.
•When brooding over loss of fortune one
morning, a letter enveloped officially, and sealed
with an earl's coronet, was delivered to the dis-
inherited youth. It was from Lord , and
worded in the coldest language. It men-
tioned that, as idle reports had crept into circu-
lation touching a non-existent engagement, and
that as these must be particularly disagreeable
to himself, and annoying to Lady Caroline, it
was desirable that such idle gossip should be
ended. Of course the means were in a nutshell.
It was imperative that there should be a total
cessation of visiting at his house ; while in
public. Lady Caroline and ]\Ir. Aylmer should
meet as strangers. Such, he continued, were his
decided opinions, and in these, his daughter en-
treated him to say that she altogether coincided.
Before the next moon waned, a paragraph ran
the rounds of the newspapers stating that a
marriage in high life was decided on, and that
the union would be immediate. The Earl
of was the successful suitor, the beautiful
Lady Caroline the i\\\v fiancee.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 237
At last the long-expected announcement, that
tlie luip])y day was fixed for the 23rd of June,
appeared in the courtly column of the morning
papers. " The happy day !" — and would the
false fair one feel it one,
" "Whose morning rose
To promise rapture in its close ?"
No ; all her love for Aylmer had returned ; and,
in secret bitterness of soul, she cursed the hour
when she had consented to barter youth and
beauty for titled wealth. And who was he who
claimed her hand and fealty ? The contrast
between him and the rejected one was fearful,
Aylmer, gifted by nature to exuberance — the
earl —
"A dwarf in person, and in mind a dolt."
A strong presentiment that the bridal day of
his faithless mistress should be the last that he
woukl pass in the metro})olis, haunted Aylmer's
fancy, and some freakish impulse induced him
to repair to Merrion Square.
" Yes," he nmttered, as he buttoned his coat
colhir to prevent recognition, " I'll view the
spot once more, where I wooed and won the lost
one.
The sfpuire was crowded when he reached it,
fur the 1)ri(lal dejedncr liad been dehiyed by
238 EllIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
waiting for the Viceroy, who honoured it with
his company, and hence, the departure of the
happy pair had been made later than was cus-
tomary. The flagways were crowded with
lookers-on ; the drive nearly choked with car-
riages ; while conspicuous by the white favors
worn by the postilions, the travelhng chariot
of the noble bridegroom divided popular atten-
tion with the vice-regal state-coach and its escort
of light drag-oons.
" Not yet departed !" muttered Aylmer ; " I
must not risk a passing glance at her, or by
heaven ! I think 'tAvould madden me." And
pressing through the crowd, he hurried from
the square.
He cleared the throng, turned from the earl's
mansion into a street leading; into fields lono^
since built upon. A loud hurra announced that
the bridal equipage had started ; and he walked
hastily on in an opposite direction to that which
he imagined the false fair one and her lord would
take. Tate had still an arrow in reserve ; and
the last, to feelings already lacerated, was not
less deadly than those that had preceded it.
The route he had unfortunately taken, un-
known to Aylmer, led directly from the square
into the southern road, when, in a few minutes.
IRISH LIFE nCTURES. x!39
n rush at spec\l of horses was heard, and the
carriage he was so anxious to avoid came rapid h-
on. As it overtook him — strau2;e and evil
augury ! the near-side leader fell, rolling over
and totally disabling the post-boy. Alarm and
confusion followed ; the carriage blinds were
pulled up, the bride was pale as uiarble, and
her lord, to all appearance, still more agitated
than his lady. The only person who viewed the
accident was the discarded lover ; and by the
common impulse of humanity, he sprang for-
ward, and endeavoured to extricate the boy from
the pressure of the fallen horse. He succeeded ;
and as he raised his tall figure from its stoopinor
attitude, his eyes met Lady Caroline's. At the
recognition, Aylmcr's face flushed to the very
brows, while the bride, uttering a wild scream,
fell back in the carriage and fainted.
" T have seen enough, and lived too long,"
muttered the discarded lover ; " and now to seek
the shortest and surest cure for misery like mine
-a grave !"
He said, and hurried to the city.
Mufilcd in his coat, with his hat slouched
over his forehead, Aylmer again repassed the
house of fcMstiiig. lie paused, fond wri'teh ! to
take a parting look at what he once believed to
240 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
be the home of love and constancy. His stop
was momentary, for in under-tones, a voice
whispered in his ear, " Ah ! Mr. Ayhuer, is it
you?
The person thus suddenly addressed, started
and looked round. A woman was standing at
his elbow, one who was once a favourite atten-
dant of her who had ruled his heart.
" You here, Kathleeine ?"
" Yes, Mr. Aylmer," was the reply. " The
last letter that you gave me, and which I deli-
vered to Lady Caroline, was handed to the earl
unopened in my presence, and in less than half
an hour afterwards — "
She paused.
" Go on, Kathleeine, what then ?"
" Why, I was discarded like yourself."
" And have I injured thee, too, poor girl ? I
fancied that fate had reserved her mahce for
myself."
" Think nothing of it, sir. Were aught that
could serve you to be done again, trust me, that
Kathleeine would not fail you. Have I for-
gotten the many times I brought my lady's
billets, how you would wrap the answer in a
bank-note, give me a kiss, and tell me to pay
the postage ?"
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 241
Aylmcr smiled bitterly, while his hand impul-
sively sought his pocket. " By heaven !" he
muttered, " not one solitary shilling." And
pushing roughly through the crowd, he hurried
from the spot.
The :23rd of June, 1803, formed a memorable
epoch in the history of the Irish metropolis. Ap-
prized that an explosion might be expected, the
autliorities took no measures to counteract the
popular disturbance. Neither the police force
was increased, nor did tlie military receive any
addition ; the usual number of constables occu-
pied the watch-houses, and the same weak
pickets patrolled the streets. Strange as it may
appear, from the suddenness of the emeute and
the supineness of the executive, the scat of go-
vernment might have readily fallen into the
hands of the conspirators ; and little doubt exists,
that, had the wild and visionary leader of the in-
surrection led his tumultuary followers at once to
attack the Castle, the attempt would have proved
successful. But evanescent as the blaze of
stubble, tlie flame of rebellion sparkled, scintil-
lated, and expired. No daring act of reckless
gallantry flung the mantle of Quixotic chivalry
over the hopeless attempt, and within half-an-
hour from its commencement, the story of tlic
VOL. I. M
242 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
mad essav was closed. Its duration was marked
only by the murder of mioiFending individuals, its
suppression achieved by a subaltern's picket, and
a few loyalists and watchmen.
It was afterwards remembered and remarked,
that, from an early hour in the afternoon, the
bridges over the canal which connect the ad-
joining county with the capital, had been crossed
by an unusual number of Wicklow peasantry,
dressed in the grey frieze coats which distin-
guished them from other passengers. As evening
approached, groups of these men were seen
lounging in the lanes and alleys of the Liberty;
and when dusk came, under the direction of two
or three individuals, they closed up to the imme-
diate vicinity of the rebel depot. Suddenly the
doors of the malt-house were flung open, mus-
quets, blunderbusses, and pikes, were indiscrimi-
nately handed out, and every man seized what-
ever weapon accident presented, without any
consideration as to whether he could use it effec-
tively or not.
Dressed in the uniform he had selected, green
with yellow facings, the wild enthusiast joined the
rabble he had armed, and issuing from the lane,
they entered the chief thoroughfare through the
Liberty, called Thomas Street. Emmett must
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 243
have been actually mad, for without any defined
plan of action, settled purpose, or ulterior object,
he ruslied with his banditti on the town. Their
proceedings appeared rather to resemble the
muck of a ]\Ialay, than the operations of a regu-
lated conspiracy. The first victim they encoun-
tered was Colonel Brown of the 21st Pusiliers,
and without a cause or even a question, they
pulled him from the saddle, and piked him to
death. Would that their atrocities had ended
with a solitary murder. A travelling carriage was
met, stopped, and its occupants dragged out.
One passenger, a young lady, was permitted to
escape without injury or insult ; but the mildest
judge who ever tried a criminal was mortally
wounded by these savages ; and his nephew, an
estimable clergyman, murdered on the spot.
" He, the wretched cause of all, saw too late
The ruin that his rashness wrought,"
and found that to evoke a lawless mob was easy,
as to repress their ferocity was impracticable. In
vain he appealed to his ruffian followers, in their
tuumltuary roar of savage exultation, his remons-
trances were drowned, his voice unheard. I[e
witnessed the white-haired veteran, the merciful
dispenser of the law, the blameless minister of
M 2
244 ERIN-GO-BIIAGH ; OR,
religion, all ruthlessly clone to death. Half
fainting at the horror of the scene, he staggered
against the shutters of a shop window, when,
like the pressure of a smith's vice, an arm grasped
his own, and the well-known voice of Aylmer
fiercely exclaimed, " Villain ! have you banded
me with murderers ?" Conscience makes cowards
of us all, and so do circumstances occasionally.
The close of Emmett's wild career, his prison
hours, his bearing when on trial, and the last sad
scene of all, evinced a Roman fortitude. But
now, horror-stricken at barbarities he could not
restrain, while the fearful consequences of his
mad attempt burst upon him in their terrible
reality, these annihilated the self-possession of a
man who, with the devotion of a Decius, united
a gentleness of disposition that recoiled from the
effusion of one drop of blood, and, totally un-
manned, the enthusiast muttered in a broken
voice, " Ah, Aylmer, that, the unkindest cut of
all, was not wanted. I am wretched, desperate,
degraded, but still no murderer in intention.
Arthur, I am no villain."
Rapid as lightning glances across the sky, the
true state of mind of his weak and misguided
friend flashed upon his warm-hearted country-
man, and a kindly pressure of the hand, and a
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 245
voice that had lost its recent bitterness replied,
" No, no, forgive me, Emmett. You know that
my temper has never known control. And —
curses on the ruffians ! that old man's butchery
would — but see here, too," — and as he spoke, a
girl rushed wildly towards him. At a glance,
dress, look, and manner, all proclaimed her to be
a gentlewoman. It was the niece of the murdei-ed
judge, the sister of the butchered clergyman. As
slie hurried wildly past, a ruffian more brutal
than his fellows, and half intoxicated, caught hold
of her light dress. Her scream was answered by
an imprecation, when Aylmer sprang forward,
struck the fellow to the ground, and while the
mob made a forward movement in one direction,
the fair captive escaped in the opposite one.
Heedless of an attempt made by the prostrate
culpnt to discharge a pistol at the lady's de-
liverer, Aylmer wrenched the weapon from his
hand, tore away the frieze great coat which was
hanging loosely across his arm, and flung it to
liis friend. " There," he said, in a low voice,
" Conceal that gaudy dress, and let us hurry from
this scene of butchery."
" How can I leave these wretched peo[)le,
brutal as tiiey have proved themselves ?" returned
the unhappy man, who felt that he had bi'cn the
means of producing this sanguinary eineute.
246 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
" If you do not leave them, tliey will soon
leave you," was the sarcastic reply. " The first
flint snapped by loyalist or soldier in their front,
will be the signal for a general dispersion. Rest
assured that villains who slaughter unresisting
victims, will never stay to look a brave man in
the face. Come, let us hurry off."
" And whither ? Where can we head to ?"
" My purpose leads to Wicklow," returned
Aylmer ; " and in the mountains you may find
temporary shelter, and possibly escape from the
kingdom, when the vengeance of the executive
shall be gorged."
Emmett, whose self-control seemed altogether
fled, mechanically obeyed his bolder comrade,
and flung the grey cota-more over his showy
uniform ; but, ere he had made a second step in
the direction that Aylmer pointed, a voice was
heard in front of the mob to holloa " Stand !"
Half a dozen spattering shots instantly followed
the summons, and the effect upon the rabble was
precisely what had been anticipated by his
adviser ; for, in headlong flight, stragglers from
the main body hurried rapidly to the rear.
As it appeared afterwards, this check to the
insurgents was but a momentary one. A police
magistrate, hearing loose reports of a popular
disturbance, hurried to the scene of riot, and
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 2 t7
with ten or twelve assistants only, and these
iiuliffercntly armed. Finding himself placed
unexpectedly in the presence of a formidable
band, lie boltUy became assailant ; and, before
the mob had recovered from the surprise a sudden
attack produces, the stout functionary and his
myrmidons effected an able and a safe retreat.
The boldest ruffians, as might be supposed, were
now in front ; and, encouraged by the numerical
weakness of their opponents, pressed forward
themselves, and called upon their panic-stricken
comrades to " Come on !" Some obeyed the call,
but others were already beyond the range of
hearing. For a few minutes more the flame of
rebellion might be said to scintillate, but another
and more sanguinary collision followed, and the
insurrection ended, as it commenced — in blood.
Although more than three years had elapsed
since the suppression of the rebellion of '98, the
Irish capital presented appearances of a military
occupation. Pickets at stated hours patrolled the
streets, and detached parties of regular infantry
in different quarters had guard-houses, either
intended to connect their barracks, or, in the
remoter districts of tlie metropolis, keep sur-
veillance over those \\\[u were still considered as
being disaffected to the government. On the
248 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
evening of the 23rd of June, a picket of the
Welsh TusiUers were going their customary
rounds, when, attracted by the firing in Thomas-
street, the officer in command hurried to the
spot, and, on debouching from Mass-lane, en-
countered the insurgents. A bold ruffian, who
appears to have assumed the command, called in
a loud voice " Musketeers, to the front 1"
" But none did come, though he did call for them,"
while the officer commanding the picket, like a
stout soldier, and one who "understood his
trade,"* instantly commenced street-firing. f
The rapid and sustained fire of the soldiery
was answered by half-a-dozen straggling shots,
when the mob broke totally, and saitve qui pent
became the order of the evening.
As the rabble rushed tumultuously past, fling-
ing their weapons away, and each man adding
terror to his companion's speed, which an un-
expected volley from a dozen yeomen and loyalists
* A favourite and expressive phrase of Napoleon.
f Street-firing is practised by troops in small numbers, who
can only show a narrow front. When the first files fire, they
wheel round the flanks of the party, re-loading as they retire.
The succeeding files also fire and fall back, and before the leading
files have discliarged their muskets, the rear-most have reloaded.
Hence, the fusilade is never abated.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 249
they encountered at a corner had fearfully aug-
mented, Ayhner whispered to his friend,
"Said I not truly, Emmett?"
No answer was returned; but a bitter groan,
that bespoke hopes prostrated and air-built
castles levelled to the earth, told what the inly
feelings of the miserable and misguided en-
thusiast were.
They reached the canal-bridge unchallenged
by any of the patrols, and found there six or
eight of the better order of small farmers, who
had ridden that evening to the scene of action ;
but, wise in their generation, tbey had left their
horses outside the cordon of the pickets, and in
charge of two or three peasants. Fortunately
for the rebel leader and his companion, a couple
of unclaimed nags were herded with the others,
their proprietors having been so much confused
with tiring, fear, and whiskey as to lose them-
selves among the narrow streets and blind alleys
of the Liberty. No time to raise any question
touching right of projjcrty remained. Tlie bedt-
to-arms was heard, repeated, and re-repeated ;
the trumpet " turn-out " came sharply on the ear
through the calm of summer evcnhig; and
Aylmer and the leader of the mad (fmeute mounted
the spare horses, and rode rapidly oil' in the
M 3
250 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
direction of tlie Wicklow mountains, the whole
party not exceeding a dozen men.
Where were the masses of disaffected men who
had risen, or were expected to rise, when the
tocsin of freedom sounded ? — where were they ?
Well might echo answer, " Where ?"
Never did a party, who had determined to
annihilate a settled government and " reform the
state," exhibit a more crest-fallen appearance
than poor Emmett and his rabble escort, as they
spurred towards the Wicklow hills by the most
unfrequented roads. Their speed was that of
heartless fugitives ; but, as if to add burlesque
to misfortune, the leader of " a broken host " was
still addressed as " general ;" and now and
again, when the coarse frieze cota-more was
blown aside, the flaunting uniform underneath
presented its ridiculous contrast.
It was extraordinary how long after the sup-
pression of the rebellion of '98 the embers of
disaffection smouldered in the mountain-ranges
of Wicklow. Within a dozen miles of the me-
tropolis banded outlaws found a shelter, and with
impunity plundered the low country, and levied,
like the Highland caterans of old, a black mail
from the farmers who were located in this dan-
gerous vicinity. In vain had the Irish executive
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 251
fulminated proclamations, and offered large
rewards for the persons of these brigands, dead
or alive. But, with extraordinary fidelity, the
iDountaineers resisted monetary temptation ; and
in every case the outlawed chiefs who fell within
the grasp of justice could refer their captivity to
accident alone, or their own want of common
prudence.
It was past midnight when the fugitives
reached a lonely farm-house in one of the wildest
of the mountain glens. Hours before the arrival
of the party, the family had retired to rest; and,
when awakened by the trampling of horses' feet,
they felt no alarm, considering it a thing of no
unusual occurrence, namely, a night-visit from
royalist dragoons in search of some of the pros-
cribed. At the first knock, the family were
instantly in motion, the door was opened, the
embers, smouldering on the earth, were heaped
with fresh fuel, numerous rushes were lighted,
and preparations promptly made to offer to the
wayfarers any refreshment that the house con-
tained. The latter, indeed, was considered a
matter-of-course affair ; for, Tyrian or Trojan
who sought the glen, claimed hospitality alike,
and the trooper's scarlet and outlaw's necessity
rendered the demand equally imperious. Of the
252 ERINGO-BRAGH ; OR,
twain, the trooper was the more unprofitable
customer. Were the horseman in good temper,
and the peasant-girl pretty, a kiss miglit be given,
in full acquittance of all demands in law or
equity, and " he laughed, and he rode away ;"
while the outlaw, if he did not pay in meal would
pay in malt, as the old saw goes. If this night
a desperate onslaught was made upon the herds-
man's flitch by half-a-dozen half-starved free-
booters, on the next, a fat wedder was left in the
barn, with directions to whip the skin off with
the least possible delay ; and many a tenant,
when driven for rent, obtained the money which
released his impounded cattle from the pocket of
some generous outlaw. No wonder, then, that
the wild peasantry of the hills, to the desperate
men who sought shelter there, bore true alle-
giance ; and, though every robber-haunt was
known to hundreds, to personal punishment or
rich reward the mountaineers proved equally
impassive.
Had the belated visitors proved royalists, the
same alacrity to meet their wants w^ould have
been exhibited. The broadsword, the shoulder-
belt, and the rope, — and in those days all were
freely used in cases of contumacy — stimulate
men's exertions marvellously ; but when, in half
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 253
the party, old acquaintances were recognised,
riglit cheerfully the whole family applied them-
selves to prepare a substantial supper. Emmett,
Aylmer, and a few others were conducted to an
inner room, the others remaining in the kitchen ;
and while the good-wife and her daughters took
post beside the frying-pan, on which many an
egg and rasher hissed, the fugitives detailed, in
under tones, the strange and tragic events of
that disastrous evening.
Presently, supper was served in the inner
apartment, plainly, but comfortably. Nothing
sharpens the appetite more keenly than a night-
ride in the mountains ; and, indeed, it would be
hard to say whether the rebel chief or the
deserted lover did ampler justice to the refresh-
ments placed in rude abundance before them.
Emmett, fevered throughout the day, as hope
and apprehension obtained the mastery by turns,
had felt ill-inclined to eat ; and, when the coarse
table in the rebel arsenal was roughly spread,
would the recollection that, at that moment, the
bridal dejeuner of the false fair one was crowded
by the elite of fashion, and she, " the cynosure
of wondering eyes," in all the brilliancy of
beauty, enhanced the banquet's revelry with
wreathed smiles ; would these, recalled to me-
254 EUIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
moiy, provoke poor Aylmer's appetite? Both
freely drank their wine ; but desperate excite-
ment and bhghted love alike set the grape's
boasted influence at defiance.
When the meal ended, an earthen grey-beard,
filled with illicit whiskey, was placed upon the
table ; and, after a portion of its contents had
been poured into a smaller vessel, it was removed
to the kitchen to refresh the subordinate insur-
gents. In a few minutes afterwards, those who
had supped with their leader and his friend
rose, quitted the apartment, and left them tete-
a-tete.
" How goes the night ?" said Aylmer ; " it is
now two months or so since T have been deli-
vered from the encumbrance of a w^atch. I
wonder who the devil calls himself at present
master of mine ? Mine ? — no, 'twas fairly pur-
chased ; and, faith, it cost me a pang or two to
part with it : for when my poor mother's initials
on the case met my eye, I w^as half-prompted to
snatch it from the counter. But — I had not
dined for a couple of days ; — damnation !"
He sprang from the beechen chair, and made
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 255
a stride or two across the chamber ; then, as if
a moment were sufficient to restore tiiat awful
composure which despair so frequently possesses,
he resumed his seat, and, in a low calm voice,
continued.
" Two o'clock — ha ! morning is well advanced,
and I have some fifteen miles to travel. Fare
thee well, my dear Emmett — better fortune at-
tend thee ! Should a chance present itself, has-
ten from the hands of the Philistines, and rest
assured that none will more gladly receive the
tidings of your escape than I."
" Of that no hope remains," returned the poor
enthusiast with a sigh ; " my history will soon
be closed. Well — death is a penalty entailed
upon existence ; and, in the poet's words,
' I set my life upou a cast.
And [ will stand the hazard of the die.'
But you, Aylmer, all favours your escape ; your
knowledge of the mountains, your family influ-
ence, your — "
" Stop ! — I will anticipate the rest ; the uncle's
loyalty would Ijc, forsooth, a set-ofl' against
the nephew's treason !" exclaimed the young
man passionately. " You misunderstand me al-
together, Emmett ; think not that, for a moment,
I fancied your hair-brained po/ec^ could succeed.
256 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
Bah ! the thought woukl have been close akm
to madness. Why, compared with yours. Jack
Cade's was a promising attempt. No ! — even
my private feeHngs pohtically tended in an oppo-
site direction. I am a rebel — a rebel from re-
venge ; and vet the blood tliat courses throuo;h
my veins is orange to the drop."
" Then, mider what strange and conflicting
impulse did you act ?" inquired the enthusiastic
leader of the wild emeute ; "why join a cause
alien to your own principles ?"
"I'll answer you, in our national mode, by
interrogatories," said Aylmer, coolly. " By what
right did that capricious old man invest me with
imaginary wealth, and place me in high position,
and then, when fancy changed, shatter the clay-
constructed puppet into potsherds ? What was
the head and front of my offending? I received
an indignity, and resented it. Could I have
brooked offence, and mingled in society with
gentlemen — Irish gentlemen ? 'Twas but a flimsy
pretext — a mere apology to cast me off. Before
my uncle had reached my years, he had been
twice upon the ground himself; ay, and in both
cases he was the chaflenger. 'Twas dotard love
that wrought my ruin ; an artful girl played her
game too well, and the old man fancied that
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 257
sixteen could love sixty. I was in the way ; a
scapegoat was wanting for a hymeneal sacrifice — I
was rendered at the altar, and youthful beauty
swore fealty to old age. Heavens ! could the
driveller but know that she, the idol of his love,
six months before she placed her hand in his,
had hung upon the bosom of the discarded
nephew, confessed the secret of her heart, and —
But, hold ! what followed must never pass these
lips. Enough — vengeance before now has been
exacted before the injury was inflicted."
Again he leaped from the chair, and strode
through the apartment. Emraett for a minute
remained still ; but Aylraer, by a sudden mastery
of himself, controlled his feelings, replenished a
full tumble)-, drank the diluted alcohol, and then
calmly continued, —
" Emmett, the parting hour is come."
"But what is your purpose ? What will you
do?" inquired the rebel chief.
" Change the house of feasting into one of
sorrow. This evening the heir of Castle Aylmcr
receives the rite of baptism, llalf-a-dozen of
the peerage will grace the ceremony ; and could
I, a loving cousin, at this high festival absent
myself?"
" And do you thus coolly rush into diuiger,
258 ERIN-GO-BUAGH ; OR,
and seek a halter?" asked his wondering com-
panion.
" No — no," was the cahn reply, " Jack Hang-
man will never assist at my toilet, nor hemp en-
close this throat."
" Then you will ape the Roman, — and sui-
cide — " Emmett paused.
" Pish ! I scorn the thought. Oh, no ; I am
a fatalist ; and at three periods of life — at seven,
fourteen, and twenty-one — my destiny was fore-
told. Lead — lead — lead ! I hoped the bullet
would have reached its mark last evening ; but
we must wait the fatal time. What ho ! without
there ! Come, honest host, my horse."
" So late, sir ? Nay, rest a bit. After this
uproar in the city — which I have heard of but
now — idle people will be a-foot," said the land-
lord, with kindly courtesy.
" No fear for me," said Aylmer with a bitter
smile ; " a line of honest Juvenal ensures my
safety, —
' Contabit vacuus coram latrone viator.'
There is sound Latin for you, — ay, and sound
sense."
The host departed.
" Aylmer, are you acting wisely ?"
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 259
" Did you ever hear of anybody since the days
of Solomon who did so ?" and he laughed ; but
that laugh was one of bitter import. "Fare-
well !"
The word struck ominously on the ear to which
it was addressed.
" Farewell !" returned the young enthusiast.
" Shall we not meet again ?"
" Never — in this world 1" and each word was
deliberately pronounced.
" Your horse is ready," said the landlord.
Both hands were again interchanged by the
fugitives, and in another minute hoof-tramps
were heard without, until a bending in the road
shut out the sounds of the receding traveller.
With Aylmer, and not with Emmett, our story
lies ; and a brief paragraph will tell the latter's
history.
For a few days he remained under safe keep-
ing in the Wicklow hills ; but, wearied of restraint,
he returned to the outskirts of the metropolis.
Sirr, a man of infamous celebrity — the Vidocq of
the Irish executive, discovered his retreat, and
found it fit time to take him. Unlike the lion-
like spirit of Lord Edward Fitzgerald, Emmett's
was a dreamy and romantic courage, which un-
fitted him for fierce aa;";ression. lie made a
260 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
bootless effort at escape; was easily captured,
and led, in quick succession, to Newgate, the
court of justice, and the scaffold.
If ever man was monomaniac, that man was
Robert Emmett.
Before Avlmer had ridden half-a-dozen miles
morning began to break, and hills and valleys,
with which from boyhood he had been familiar,
in the grey haze of dawning day gradually be-
came visible. Every feature in the opening land-
scape brought with it a painful recollection. On
that moor he had shot grouse, and in yon lough
had often filled his fishing-basket. Then man-
hood's cares had not assailed him. He was
springing into life, with all the personal and ac-
cidental advantages which are supposed the step-
ping-stones to human happiness. He topped a
rising ground, and an expansive surface of cham-
paign country lay beneath. He started at the
view. The wide domain, — the towering chimneys
of a mansion, peeping over woods the growth of
centuries, — younger plantations extending far as
the eye could range, — rich meadows interspersing
corn-lands ; all these, but one year since, he be-
lieved to be his own inheritance. What was he
now ? Ruined, in the very opening of manhood,
-—a skulking fugitive at this moment, — and, by
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 261
iioyi, a proclaimed traitor ; not one solitary shil-
ling in his purse, and the ownership of the horse
he rode unknown !
" Is tliis a dream, or is it sad reality ?" he
muttered, as he sprang from the saddle, and
threw himself upon a rustic bench ; hours passed
in reckless dreaminess. Gradually the household
bustle increased ; window-blinds were withdrawn ;
and servants passed and repassed the casements
of the castle. With every apartment he was
familiar ; that, had been his play-room when a
boy, — this, his chamber when a man. The
breakfast-bell sounded. IIow often had he an-
swered to that wTll-remembcrcd summons. An-
other hour wore on. The hall-door opened ; a
nurse-maid and an infant came out from beneath
the vestibule ; a lady followed, and, next moment,
the tall, spare figure of his uncle caught his view.
He saw the old man fondle the baby-heir, and
tap his young wife's cheek most playfully. Ayl-
mer's brow darkened ; his lips were colourless,
but his eyes flashed fire. He turned from a
sight that was blasting. Again he involuntarily
looked. The nurse and child were pacing the
sweep before the house, wliile the proud father
was toying with his lady's hazel locks, and evinc-
ing all that ardour of affection, which, scarce ex-
262 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
cusable in youthful love, in chilly age becomes
disgusting.
" By heaven ! I shall go mad," exclaimed the
disinherited one. " Oh ! could I not dash thy
raptures, old drivelling dotard ! — But, hold ! who
comes spurring at fiery speed ? A dragoon. He
presents a letter. The old man starts back a
pace, and my gentle aunt assumes the attitude of
astonishment. 'Tis intelligence of last night's
emeute, and probably announces, head of the
Aylmers ! that he whom you once regarded with
so much pride is now a fugitive, an outcast, and
a traitor !
As Aylmer spoke, his uncle signed to the
horseman to repair to the stables, and, in evident
confusion, hurried into the house, followed by
his youthful dame.
Never was a more inauspicious day chosen
for an important ceremony than the 24th of
June, 1803. As evening drew on, the arrivals
at the castle presented to the ambushed con-
spirator a singular and anomalous appearance,
for, at the interval of a few minutes, courtly
equipages and small parties of horse in turn
arrived. If the Irish government had been
apathetic before, their present activity now of-
fered a curious contrast. While the plot smoul-
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 263
dered, none could guess its extent ; but the
executive powers lay dormant. When explosion
proved inipotency to an extent beyond contempt,
then every organ they could command appeared
to be called into action. The vis inertice of
the royalists required now and then a little
terrorism to rouse it. Blood-money was still
liberally dispensed. Sirr and his mynnidons
drove a roaring trade. With Emmett's mad plot
for weeks they had been perfectly acquainted,
and they, as in interest bound, looked on, fos-
tered, and matured it. That the leading mem-
bers of the last night's outbreak had headed
to the Wicklow hills, was readily discovered ; and,
in scattered bands, yeomanry and regulars were
hunted on in close pursuit. A hot day and
hard riding had brought the most active troopers
to a stand ; and party after party, ranging from
half a dozen to a troop, sought a place where
they knew that they would be warmly welcomed,
and picketed their horses in front of Aylmer
Castle.
Every arrival — every occurrence, was noticed
from his concealment by the fugitive. He saw
the horse he rode last night led in by a Serjeant's
party of dragoons. A singularly-coloured roan
— the animal was remarkable, — and from the
264 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
attention with which she was examined by the
precursors of the party, Aylmer fancied that
with the horse himself was perfectly identified.
His conjecture was correct ; he had been already
denounced by an informer as the last night's
rider, and, consequently, his hiding-place, as it
was conjectured, could not be very distant from
the spot where the horse he rode, saddled and
bridled, had been found.
Strange — the name had not escaped ; and
the description of the rider's dress and person
was both contradictory and confused. He was
a gentleman ; on that point all agreed ; and
he exercised an authority over the young leader
that was never disputed, while from all the
rest of the conspirators he kept aloof, and
haughtily rejected every attempt that might
lead to association. A mystery was connected
with him, and among the wretched rabble al-
ready taken or denounced, all broken tradesmen
or drunken artificers, the rider of the roan horse
to all the royalist rebel-hunters seemed a stag
of the first head, and one whom it would be
equally honourable and profitable to run into.
Who was he ? and where was he ? The first
inquiry none could answer ; but to the second,
circumstances w^ent far to prove that he must
IRISH LIFE riCTURES. 265
be in tlie immediate ncighboiirliood of tliose
wlio were so deeply interested in his appre-
hension.
Irish hospitahty was not what it has become,
the name of a thing non-existent, and that fact
half a dozen horsemen were evidencing right
pleasantly, as, seated on the sward, a liveried
attendant supplied them with abundance of cold
provisions, a huge black jack of ale, and a
liask of whiskey to pack all. Their horses were
picketed behind their riders, and the roan steed,
with whom an important secret was associated,
grazed socially with his loyalist companions^
albeit he had so recently borne the weioht of
some rebel Antony, as yet unknown. The party,
thus regaling al fresco, were a fair sample of
the times, and would prove that if misfortune
introduces strange bed-fellows to each other, the
highway will now and then lead us to as singu-
lar acquaintanceships.
Tlie Dublin road ran straight in front of
the grand entrance of Castle A^lmer, and at
that point a loneincj* leadhig to the mountains
joined it. An hour before, two horsemen
spurred hastily iVuni the metropolis ; they were
♦ Aiiglicl- a liy-roacl.
VOL. I. N
266 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
dragoons, with an express from town for Mr.
Aylmer. Three armed riders, in uniform, ad-
vanced at the same time, and to the same point,
but from the opposite direction ; these were
yeomen-cavahy, w^hile a sixth mounted man,
leading the roan horse, issued at the same
moment from the loneing, and the half dozen
riders entered the grand gate together.
, The solitary horseman was nondescript. He
was dressed in coloured clothes of good ma-
terials, but vulgar make. His horse was a stout
weight-carrier, in fair condition, and at his side
a cavalry sword hung, and at the pommel there
were holsters. His appointments and appear-
ance were more akin to a highwayman than
a trooper, and from his muscular proportions
and most sinister facial expression, the traveller
would indeed have been a sturdy one, who
hesitated to deliver when he cried stand !
Tim Doolan was the sole surviving repre-
sentative of " the major's janissaries," and the
regular idtimus Romanormn. Of that respected
body a majority had died of the Irish endemic,
called "whiskey fever;" a couple were shot in
their vocation ; poor Jemmy O'Brien — nomen
venerahile ! — was hanged ; and Tim Doolan
might have sung with Scott's minstrel.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 267
" Alas ! a-day, old times are fled.
His faithful brethren all were dead."
JMatters generally had altered for the worse, and
a man now would not be scragged on the
unsupported evidence of a common informer.
Tim Doolan felt the change. In a plain, un-
varnished tale, in which he had deposed to a
felonious conspiracy the year before, to fire the
castle and the court, — blow up the magazine, —
and, horror of horrors ! assassinate Major Sin- !
through a slight informality the dclhiquent was
acquitted; he, the conspirator, pi'oving himself
to have been domiciled in Kent, when Tim
swore positively that he was resident in Kildare.
The counsel for the defence availed himself of
an established rule, " that no man can be in
two places at the same time — barring he's a
bird," and on this, the authority of Sir Boyle
Roach — the traitor was acquitted, while, worse
still, the blood-money was lost.
"What will the world come to?" said Mr.
Doolan, as he jogged quietly along with a led
horse. " Ah ! God be with the old times !
There was some comfort in a drum-head court-
martial. Over in ten minutes, sentence j)ro-
nounccd, and the man hanged, while his friends
were consulting about getting him a habeaa
N 2
269 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
corpus. That was what I call asserting the
majesty of the law. Hoav dull trade is ! I have
been these three days on a dodge of the major's,
but it's no go after all. It's so gallows hard to
get matters into shape now. If you what they
call jjrewaricate, the case breaks down teetotally.
In that blessed year of ninety-eight, ye hanged
your man, and afterwards made inquiries. Now,
here I am, three days and nights upon the batter,
and all I'm the better for it is catching a stray
horse, and if I parted with him to a customer,
saddle and bridle as he stands, twelve wagabones
would very likely call it robbery. Fakes ! I
might have come to want, but that Ned Galvin*
slipt his wind in good time, and the major got
me the situation. It's mighty dishartning, how-
ever, to step into Ned's shoes without a little
practice. Lord ! how he did hang his men.
No bungling, but off they went, clane as a
whistle. I would have liked to open with
country bisness afore I made my first appearance
at Kilmainham. One wouldn't like, ye know,
to make any mistake before a large and fashion-
able audience. But what ! two dragoons from
the Dublin side, — and see ! three yeomen from
the country ! By jogstay ! maybe there's some-
* A celebrated Dublin executioner.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 269
thing to give trade a turn, and so I'll jog on and
meet them."
Tlius soliloquized the last of the major's
satellites, as he quickend his pace and joined
the strange horsemen. Tim was a public cha-
racter of too great notoriety for a moment
to maintain an incognito, and one of the yeomen,
at a glance, recognized the most celebrated
employe of the Irish Vidocq.
" Why, ]\Ir. Doolan, ye're early out of town,
I see. You have had a beautiful rookawm last
night in Dublin, I hear."
" Eh, what ?" exclaimed the thief-taker,
eagerly ; " I am from the country, and slept last
night at the nineteen-mile-house."
" Then you have not heard of Emmett's insur-
rection?" said the yeoman.
" Blessed Anthony !" exclaimed Mr. Doolan,
with undissembled astonishment ; " and has the
thing come off? AVhy, the major did not
expect it for another fortnight."
" It has come off with a vengeance," returned
the yeoman ; and he gave the newly appointed
finisher of the law a hurried account of the last
eveninu;'s ^meute.
Otlicllo's military revelations to his gentle
listener, were never half so interesting to Made-
270 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
moiselle Desdemona, as the details of the recent
outbreak were to the ex-thief-catcher and present
hangman, and as the yeoman proceeded, Mr.
Doolan made a running commentary on the cir-
cumstances attending this strange affair, ac-
companied by a rough calculation touching the
results which might be realized in the way
of business.
" They murdered the Chief Justice," said the
yeoman.
" Oh, by the Lord !" exclaimed Mr. Doolan,
and he rubbed his hands, " twenty at laste will
strap up for that !" then, dropping into a sotto
voce, " five pound a-head. They can't offer less.
Five times twenty, — that's a hundred, and
no mistake."
"They piked Colonel Brown of the 21st, one
of the best ofiicers in the service."
" That 'ill be ten more, — same price, — fifty,"
said the successor of Mr. Galvin.
" Mr. Woolf, a clergyman of most respected
character, was slaughtered at the same time
by the savages," continued the royalist.
" Troth !" returned Mr. Doolan, " they can't
do less than throttle five for a clergyman of
respected character. Five times five are twenty-
five."
IRISH IJFE PICTURES. 271
" All ciiiiiiciit solicitor also lost his life,"
quoth the yeoman
" We won't book against him any but the
chap that did it. They won't choke more than
one for him," observed the finisher of the law,
"and if the divil could only change the venu
to Gal way, they would acquit him at once, and
find it 'justifiable homicide,' because the dead
man was an attorney."
This conversation brought the horsemen to
the lawn in front of Castle Aylmer, and follow-
ing the example of the loyalists who had pre-
ceded them, they, too, picketed their horses and
required and received supplies.
Evening came — the sun gilded a pinnacle
of the mountain-range behind which in another
hour he would retire — carriage after carriago
arrived — and while within the mansion the
noblest in the land had formed a joyful re-union,
the lawn was crowded with dismounted horse-
men waiting until, in the cool of twilight, they
should resume the routes which nooiiday heat
had obliged them to postpone. Hidden by the
foliage, and stretched listlessly on the rustic
bench which from morning he had rested on,
Aylmer, in indolent repose, seemed dreaming
the evening away : but this quiescent apathy
272 EEIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
was delusory, and tlie attitude of the person was
painfully contrasted with the frenzied action
of the mind. A brain on fire — a throbbing
heart — a smothered sigh — all bespoke the
desperate circumstances of one beyond a hope.
Now and again, when the roll of carriage wheels
were heard, he looked abroad. With the colours
and liveries of every equipage that arrived the
discarded youth was perfectly familiar ; and but
a year or two before, that same assemblage, in
the ordinary course of things, might have
witnessed the nuptial festivities of himself, the
heir, who were now collected to celebrate a bap-
tismal rite that consummated his disinheritance.
Twilight grey came on — dragoon and yeoman
were saddling for their night march — every
window in the old mansion was lighted up — and
the state drawing room, which, amid the mani-
fold alterations considered necessary to adapt an
ancient manor house to modern purposes, had
been regarded as sacred, and permitted to retain
its Elizabethan character, shewed more brilliantly
than the numerous reception rooms around.
The wanderer guessed the cause. In that
venerated chamber the hi2;h solemnities of his
family for nearly three centuries had been cele-
brated. There his mother had been married —
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 273
there the first ritual of Christianity had been
bestowed upon himself — and there the infant
heir of a line coeval with the Conquest was about
to receive the name of a parent who, in fancy,
regarded that evening as the happiest of a life.
How blind are mortal calculations ! Ere mid-
night struck, it was decreed that the scene
of revelry should change to the house of
mourning.
Even an Irish banquet in " auld lang syne"
would find a termination, and the fairer portion
of the company had left the dinner table for the
gay saloon, where the ceremony which had
caused the festive meeting to assemble was
shortly to be solemnized. The last of the dra-
goons was in the saddle, and, save the half-
dozen riders whose accidental junction at the
park gate wc have already noticed, the evening
bivouac upon the lawn had bnjken up and the
horsemen were departed. This pleasant group,
however, fancied that a summer evening was too
short for a carouse al fresco, and determined to
await " the sweet hour of the night," regardless
of the smihng invitation of a moon nearly at the
full, who, as poor liurns wrote, would have
" wiled theiu hanie," had they not previously re-
solved that she should " wait a wee."
N 3
274 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
" Pass the bottle round," said Tim Doolan to
a country yeoman. " Hark ! That cheer within
is either for his honour's health or the ' glorious
memory.' Well, either toast is worthy of a
bumper. But — in the divil's name — who have
we here ?" and, springing on his feet from the
grass, the newly-appointed finisher of the law
confronted a stranger, who, under cover of an
immense beech tree, had stolen unnoticed on
their symposium.
"Stand! who are you?" roared Mr. Doo-
lan.
" The AATeck of what was once a man," re-
turned a hoai^se and broken voice.
" What brings you here ?" inquired a yeo-
man. " Your business, friend ?"
" I am no friend of yours," returned the
stranger, coolly ; " and my errand hither is to
try and preserve the spark of life that otherwise
would be extinct before morning."
" Come — quick — your name — your name and
busines?" cried another of the royalists.
'* Let me eat — give me drink — I am starving,
wounded, half-dead. Let me refresh myself for
five minutes, and I'll warrant that my news will
repay my entertainment," — and without waiting
farther invitation, he threw himself upon the
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 275
sward and ravenously attacked the remnant of
the yeomen's supper.
" Upon my sowl !" said Mr. Doolan, " I never
saw a gintleman rowl in upon a private party
with less ceremony than yerself ; and, feaks !
from a short sketch of your performance as a
trencher-man, I would rather grub ye for the
week than by the fortnight. Give him a drop
of Costigan, — no doubt the divil has a cobweb
in his thrapplc."
Greedily the self-invited guest drank the
whiskey off. " Ay !" he exclaimed ; " there's
life in that."
" Well, what's the news ye promised ?" re-
turned Mr. Doolan.
" Five minutes more, and ye shall hear it,'
said the stranger. " Six-and-thirty hours have
passed since I breakfasted yesterday. I tra-
velled twenty miles to be in Dublin for the
row, and was hunted here — sixteen long ones —
in addition to the twenty. I have a ba-
yonet wound in my ribs — aiul a bullet
througli my arm — lay fifteen hours in yonder
glcu — and — ".
" Came here to confess and be hanged," ex-
claimed a royalist.
"No," said the outlaw. "To sup witli an
276 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
old acquaiutaiice first, and then renew our inti-
macy. Do you recollect me, Doolan?"
" Sometimes," returned the hangman, " I
think I can remember yer voice ; but yer face
and figure I cannot exactly bring to mind."
" You have been anxious for a personal intro-
duction to me these four years past, for all
that."
" 'Pon my conscience, then, I can't tell for
what," returned the ex-thieftaker ; " ye'rc not to
say the exact sort of man one would borrow
money to spend upon. Divil a worse-fitted
gentleman I have lately met with, for a decent
scarecrow wouldn't exchange clothes with ye."
" Never mind that, Tim ; in a day or two
your friend, the major himself, would be proud
to walk with me. Have vou forgot Dan
Hacket ?"
Mr. Doolan seemed electrified,
"By the holy, it's the man !" he exclaimed,
in a voice triumphant ; " fifty pounds upon his
head, dead or alive, and — "
" Interest four years, if they'll only reckon
fair with you. But, Tim, jewel, the divil a
penny of the same ye'll get; there has been
fifty on my head since '98 — what's upon Em-
mett's ?"
IRISH LIFE PICTURKS. 277
((
Five hundred !" exclaimed the party with
one voice.
" And wliat shall I have ? — life and pardon is
safe, I know," returned the stranger, " if I get
him for you in a week ?"
" A fair sliare," was the response.
" In a day ?" inquired the outlaw.
" A double share."
" In an hour ?"
" A full half."
" Gentlemen, a bargain ; but a deed requires
to be witnessed."
" Honour bright !" ejaculated the hangman.
"A soldier's word!" exclaimed a yeoman,
who was also parish-clerk.
" All binding, doubtless ; but to make things
surer, Captain Ilacket Avill wait upon Mr.
Aylmcr. Come along ; another cheer heralds a
new toast, and we shall be in good time to find
the gentlemen in the dining-room."
A stranger scene, a more singular contrast
than the grand saloon and dining room at Castle
Aylmer presented, could scarcely be imagined.
The one, in brilliant light, shewed beauty
278 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
such as even a land renowned for loveliness
might have been searched in vain to rival, while
a proud churchman, a baby richly dressed, a
young mother, smiling in all the womanly pride
which attends a first maternity, silently an-
nounced that the baptismal ceremony was now
at hand. In the other room, lofty lineage,
wealth, and wordly position were grouped with
wretchedness and crime ; for there, surrounded
by his high born guests, Reginald Aylmer gave
audience to the pleasant party who had spent the
evening on the lawn, and one of the yeomen
acted as spokesman to the party.
" Be brief, sir," said the lord of the mansion ;
" you must be well aware that my presence is
elsewhere wanted ;" and he pointed to a servant,
who had just announced that the attendance of
the gentlemen was required in the saloon.
" 1 came," said the royalist in reply, " to
notify the caption of a traitor."
" Which of these tw^o scoundrels is the
man f
For, by a natural instinct, the finisher of the
law had stuck himself close beside the felon,
and Mr. Aylmer had been puzzled to choose
betvA'-een the pair, the outer man of one indicat-
ing a highwayman in good circumstances, while
IRISri LIFE PICTURES. 279
the wretchedness of the other betrayed " in faded
eye and hollow cheek," all the misery and priva-
tions attendant on an outlaw's life.
Great was the surprise on the part of Mr.
Doolan that his personal appearance had not
sufficiently guaranteed his respectability ; but, to
be mistaken for a rebel, seemed to him the un-
kindest cut of all ; and he was proceeding to
detail his attachment to church and state, and
his utility as a citizen, when Blackct interrupted
him.
" Nay," said the outlaw, with a bitter smile,
"you wrong this worthy gentleman by the
question. lie has ever been a loyal subject ;
and I have no doubt, with a little practice, will
make an excellent hangman. I am the traitor !"
" Tliou !" exclaimed the lord of Castle Aylmer ;
" poor wretch ! And was it for one like you that
I have lost five minutes of a joyous eveuing ? Off
with him to the next guard-house ; l)ut, hold !
hunger is written on his face, and let the starved
villain have his supper first."
" Arrah, then, upon my conscience !" exclaimed
the finisher of tlie law, "on that head ye'r honour
nny make yourself quite asy. If yc had only
seen his performance on the lawn, ye would have
supposed that, in the provision way, he would
280 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
not have wanted anything for another fort-
night."
" Reginald Ayhner," — and the outlaw's eye
kindled like the flickering of an expiring lamp, —
" was I always, think ye, the fangless lion that I
am ? How often was Dan Hacket hunted, over
bog and mountain, like a beast of prey ? — who
burned his cabin ? — whose myrmidons savagely
abused his wife ? — who, when the grave closed
upon her shame, turned her homeless orphans on
the world ? I look him in the face — thou art the
man !"
" Remove the ruffian !" exclaimed the owner
of the mansion, as the flush of rage coloured his
pale face.
" Not for a minute ; listen calmly, I won't
delay you long. Guess ye what is the happiest
hour in human life ? — it is to recall past injuries
to mind, w^hen the long-delayed means of
vengeance at last are within the wronged one's
reach. Did my burning passion for revenge ever
cool ? — never, Reginald Aylmer ! Mind ye St.
Stephen's day ?"
" Ay, faith !" returned the old gentleman ;
" and with good reason too. As I waited beside
the fox-cover, to see the red rascal break it, a
musket-bullet grazed my hunting-cap."
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 281
" This eye," said the outlaw, " glanced along
the barrel whence it came, and this finger pressed
the trigger when the mark was covered. But I
came not to bandy past grievances ; will you
promise me present protection and a future pro-
vision ?"
" Well," observed the hangman, as he elevated
his eyes to the ceiling, expressive of profound as-
tonishment, "the villanous impidence of some
people bates Banagher. Why, ye thief of the
world ! is it for taking a curl off his honour's wig
that ye expect provision and protection ? Arrah !
the curse of Cromwell attind ye night and day !
I suppose, if ye drove an ounce of lead through
the squire's skull, you woidd have expected to
have been made a person of trust like me, or, at
laste, a captain in the inilishay."
" j\Ir. Aylmer," continued the outcast, " time
presses ; you are anxious to see your baby heir
obtain his father's name, and, though it may seem
weakness, I feel rather queer with the hangman
at my elbow. Who was the last night's leader?"
*' Emmett !" responded a dozen voices.
" There was another ; ay, and one more
formidable than the wild young man you men-
tion.
" Yes," returned one of the company, " wc
282 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
know that well ; and, strange enough, who that
arch-traitor is, remains to this moment a
mystery."
" AVhat would you give to know him — see
him, — have him in your power, — ay, in this very
room?" said the outlaw, carelessly.
"Are you the man?" exclaimed several voices.
" Oh, no ; Heaven help me, I was born a
peasant, educated for a peasant, and had not
grace enough to take to the profession. He is a
gentleman ; and while I was a wanderer among
the mountains, he flaunted it with the proudest
in the land."
" It is marvellous !" returned the old host.
** Well, should I agree to your terms, how long
will you require to produce this most mysterious
rebel?"
" Ten minutes — or merely a trifle longer."
" Agreed. We'll wait your return here."
" I won't delay you long. Come, Tim, I'll
introduce ye to your first customer, and with the
assistance of our friends here," — he pointed to
the yeomen, " five of ye will feel little trouble in
securing a tired man."
He said. His companions gladly assented to
undertake a profitable job. Mr. Doolan was de-
lighted to find that his opening essay would be
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 283
tried upon a gentleman. Reginald Aylmer
gloried in tlie thought, that, through his agency,
one dreaded by the executive, and wrapped in
impenetrable mystery, should be brought to
justice.
Five minutes passed : every eye was turned on
the clock upon the mantel-piece ; and five more
were added to the number. Five minutes more
elapsed ; a shuffling of feet was heard ; the doors
of the dinner hall flew open ; six men had left it,
and seven re-entered. The seventh was the ex-
pected prisoner.
Mr. Aylmer measured the captive with his eye
from head to foot. " Were you present at the
last night's outbreak ?"
"I was.'*
" Are you an accomplice — a fellow-conspirator,
— a friend of Emmctt ?"
" I am."
" Traitor ! your name — speak ?"
" Probably you will save me that trouble, and
announce it to this good company ?"
He tore his closed collar open, threw his hat
carelessly on the floor, and heedless of the recent
addition to Tim Doolan's dignity, he pushed
284 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
the finisher of the law aside with scanty cere-
mony.
" Am I known, or must I introduce myself?"
Upon the guests the recognition of the dis-
inherited youth appeared astounding ; and a loud
and painful exclamation broke from every lip ;
but upon the old gentleman the effect was fatal.
He muttered his nephew's name, staggered two
paces backwards, and sank upon the floor. The
guests sprang forward to raise their fainting host,
but life had fled. Reginald Aylmer was a dead
man !
IRISH LIFE PICTURES, 285
RICHARD RAEFERTY;
OR,
THE IRISH FORTUNE-HUNTER.
TO RICHARD RAFEERTY, ESQ.
A short, but very satisfactory. Introduction.
The Irish have been generally compared with
the French, and there are some points of charac-
ter that strongly indicate a national resemblance.
But there is a marked distinction that can be
readily detected. The lighter traits of the one
are consequences arising from an artificial state
of society, whilst those of the other are impulsive
outl)rcaks, wliich are neither premeditated, nor
even attempted to be repressed. No one, per-
haps, takes an important step with more circum-
spection than the Gaul, and none, when it is
required, keeps his private concerns more secretly
to himself — while no mortal jumps more reck-
286 ERIN-GO-BKAGH ; OH,
lessly to conclusions tlian the reputed godson of
Saint Patrick.
I shall have lightened my conscience when and
without any mental reservation I declare myself
a wanderer — nor will I halt here in my confes-
sions. I am not histrionic, and, therefore, no
vagabond by act of parliament. I am not in
the commission of the peace, and consequently
cannot write myself one of the Queen's poor
esquires. I claim not gentility as an attorney,
for my hatred to that profession has been heredi-
tary. I am simply, as the man says in the play,
" a fellow of no estimation."
I confessed myself a wanderer. Let me
make a clean breast at once, and add that I am
an Irishman.
Why should I conceal my birth-place ? 1
harbour no designs against heiresses in general,
nor meditate a trespass upon " a widow's join-
tured land." When I should have married, I
was too poor ; and when I could, I was too
wise. At the wrong side of fifty that pleasant
article at half the age — to wit, the placens uxor
had, in my humble judgment, better be dis-
pensed with. Although I have made no appli-
cation to record them in Heaven's cliancery, I
have promised and vowed three things — Im-
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 287
primis — I won't play — once having lost a quar-
ter's income IT. P. to three elderly ladies at
lansquenet. Secundo, I'll not fight — not pleading
my knighthood in bar — but two duels in my
youth, and sixteen stone of" too, too solid flesh"
at present. Thirdly, I won't marry, " and that's
flat."
An old gentleman in some play, calls lustily
for " a sword," while his lady wife, as an amend-
ment, proposes that " a crutch" shall be substi-
tuted. Now when celibacy has been observed
for over half a century, I am inclined to think
that a good hand at soup and jellies, will, in
most cases, answer all useful purposes ; and a
retired commander had better leave harpists and
Poonah-painters to the tender attentions of
another generation.
But let it not be supposed that, while " I own
the soft impeachment," I plume myself particu-
larly on being born in
" the land of the beautiful and brave,"
where a gentleman, invisible for six days, — glory
to the Third AVilliam ! — on the seventh, enjoys a
fine prospect of the Atlantic, and
"Breasts the free air, and carols as he goes."
I feel, but it is in private, the honour of my
288 ERIN-GO'BRAGH ; OR,
parental locality ; but, when beyond the four
seas of Britain, adopt a fancy indulged in occa-
sionally by greater personages — namely, that of
traveUing incognito. Yet I indulge occasionally
in national propensities — sport a shamrock on
the day of my patron saint — and drown it reli-
giously before sunset.
And yet, and with all this pardonable fancy
for fatherland, I prefer every table cVhSte, to
those which are especially patronised by gentle-
men from Ireland. I admit that all from that
country are honourable men ; but it is an
afflicted and ill-used nation, and sorelv harassed
by Saxon oppression and short crops. Such are
its visitations at home ; while abroad, between
neglectful agents and postal irregularities, no
Irish gentleman can sleep soundly in his bed,
lest his exhausted metallics should not be rein-
forced by the next mail. Should the expected
subsidy not arrive, what is the disappointed
tourist to do ? He has no taste for w^orking —
to beg he is ashamed — and, conseqently, he
must borrow. And from wdiom? Whom but
an acquaintance? Any person with whom he
has laid a leg under the same mahogany, is the
man ; but if he be also a countryman, then the
tie becomes a family one. Could then a refusal
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 289
to the modest request of a slight fifty pound
affair for a week or two, come within the range
of possibilities ? Oh, no ! Pistols are procurable,
and thank Heaven ! there are plenty of sands,
and at every time of tide, open for gentlemen to
amuse themselves upon.
How, why, and wherefore is it, then, that
L'ish gentlemen are born to trouble as the sparks
fly uppermost ? I never knew a countryman of
mine who could effect a journey without losing
a portion of his own baggage, or more likely,
appropriating the goods and chattels of his
fellow-traveller. And whence takes he consola-
tion ? If he sustain, does he not occasion a set-
off loss ? Are there two carriages ? an Irish
gentleman will book himself, and no mistake,
in the wrong one! Sleeps he in No. 19, First
floor! he'll drop into 19 Second; and inflict
the liveliest horror on some antiquated virgin,
who,
" Strong in the pride of her purity,"
leaves her door unlocked, trusting her virtue to
the charge of Heaven ; and her escape, in case
of fire, to a ready egress.
Wonderful, after all, is Irish luck ! and to
VOL I. o
290 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
prove the fact, I could indite a folio — assertion
goes far — but let lis point our moral, by instan-
cing the fortunes of Mr. Richard Rafferty.
CHAPTER I.
The T'amily History of the Kaffertys — A Short Necrology —
General notices of Domestic Affairs at Castle Rafferty, with
Personal Sketches of the present Possessor, the Heir-at-Law,
and Pather Antony O'Tool — The Pamily are in trouble, but
they are greatly relieved by an advertisement in the " Sunday
Times" — Opening of Matrimonial operations.
The Raffertys are Irish in everything. Indeed,
they are superlatively so ; and might almost lay
claim to sharing in the high compliment paid
the Geraldines, when a family, actually an Eng-
glish export, were declared " ipsis Hibernis Hi-
berniores."
The Raffertys, as may be well imagined, are
an ancient race. By the mother's side, they
trace a direct descent from Fin-Mac-Coul —
while the first Rafferty upon record, was Master
of the Buckhounds to Brian Bom, who rewarded
his strict attention to kennel duties and deeds
of arms at the battle of Clontarf, by favouring
him with the hand of his eldest daughter Bridget,
then, by all accounts, a little passee, with the
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 2 91
addition of the county Tipperary as a bridal
appanage ; or, as his majesty universally des-
cribed, as a hard hitter, and a pleasant old gentle-
man facetiously remarked, " to put a bone in
the young couple at starting, and help them,
the cratures, to make the pot boil brown."
It is far from our intention to write chronicles,
and did we dream of perpetrating a summary
of births and deaths, marriages and general
fortunes and misfortunes of these illustrious
families, we should contract with a paper-mill
at once, and commence a course of Parr's pills,
to enable us to turn a hundred ; thus to prolong
our life until an Herculean but pleasing task
were faithfully completed. A brief sketch, how-
ever, of four generations must serve the nonce —
and even in accomplishing this, as Jack Falstaff
says, " we must emulate the noble Roman in
brevity," and follow the example of a deceased
historian, who like the author of Lacon, conveyed
" manv things in few words," and crowded the
great events of a reign into the narrow limits
of a single sentence.*
Roger Raflferty, of Castle Rafferty, flourished
* Liiif/o. " Koimilus and Renins were suckled by a wolf,
ravished the Sabine girls, and found Rome in Italy." — The J,/rgr-
ahlr Surprise.
o 2
292 ERIN-GO-BRAGH J OR,
wlien "the first George was King." He drank
claret (meiisal allowance rather large) but cor-
rected vinous acidity with a suitable proportion
of aqua vites. Mem. Neither the bane nor
antidote contributing a schultogue* to the royal
treasury. He kept fox-hounds, a score of horses
at rack and manger ; and as many servants,
of high and low degree, as the hall would hold
— parting, as might be expected in return, with
the town lands of Cloonsallagh, Drumbree, and
Ballymuck : and mortgaging half-a-dozen more.
He broke his neck, crossing the country against
time, for five pounds, P. P. : falling at the last
leap, and greatly regretted, as he was winning
in a canter. His years and virtues are recorded
on a large flat tomb-stone in the grave-yard
of Kill-na-saggart ; but you can't read the in-
scription, as the letters were rubbed out by
the weather, thirty years ago.
He was succeeded by his son Reginald, Avho
the next year was returned, after a smart contest,
for the county — election expenses being defrayed
by the produce of Bawnbuy, Moneein, and Cul-
timorc, which were sold by auction to the highest
and best bidder. He sate in Parliament only
for a portion of a session, having been expelled
* Anfflice, a farthing.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 2U3
the House for threatening to horsewhip the
Speaker. His demise was unexpected, he being
found defunct upon the high road, in returning,
a little hearty, from a christening. As his neck
was short as his temper, the coroner declared
he had popped off in apoplexy, and the jury,
by their verdict, very properly confirmed this
learned opinion.
Ralph, the antecedent proprietor to the present
owner, w^as hospitable and inoffensive, declined
alienating any more of the fiimily estates, but
prudently contented himself with mortgaging
when he wanted the metallic supplies. His
decease was very sudden and much lamented.
Having set out to join the Royalists in Tyrawley
and being rather the worse of liquor (poor man,
he drank wliiskey in self-defence, to guard against
gout in the stomach, which was hereditary), he
fell in with the French in the morniu":, bv
mistake — was honoured instanter with a com-
mission from tlie Republic — dropped into the
hands of the King's troops the same afternoon
— and at sunset was hanged on the arm of an
ash-tree, before lu; could ex[)lain tlie transactions
of the busy day to the l)lack drummer wlio
officiated on the occasion. He did not mortmi<Tc
o o
much — but as he had an antipathy to pay
294 ERIN-GO-ERAGH ; OR,
interest monies, they said in the neighbourhood
that he had bothered the estate far worse than
any who had already dipped it. By a sale of
another wing of the property, however, these
arrears were cleared away — and the present
proprietor, as all agreed, started in his saddle
pretty easy.
Although he found the once broad lands
sorely diminished, the new successor to the
virtues and estates of the Raffertys fancied
that there was still a sufficiency of surface left,
were it but turned to productive advantage.
" Improvement," as he said, " was everything ;"
and, to do him justice, he lost no time in setting
his shoulder stoutly to the wheel. He planted
Carrig-na-Spiddiouge,* but as the prevaihng
wind was a west one, and the narrow valley
which he chose for his operations, hke the nozzle
of a smith's bellows, gave vent to every breeze
that collected in the mountains, no human inge-
nuity could tempt trees to grow against their
inclination, and his plantations perished in in-
fancy, even before the hardiest of the whole would
supply a perching place for a blackbird. If
men cannot grow timber, does it follow that
they cannot drain morasses ? Mr. RafFerty was
* The E.obin's rock.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 295
of that opinion, and a finer field for an experi-
mentalist, were Connaught searched from east
to west, could not have been found than the
shaking bog of Slush-na-Sallagh. But the at-
tempt proved a failure after all, for the reclaimer
began, unfortunately, at the wrong side of the
swamp, and the water obstinately rejected up-hill
work altogether. His grandest efibrt, however,
to perpetuate his name, was in the erection of a
modern mansion ; but before he had surmounted
the lower story and laid the joists of the new
building, the sheriff, like that puzzle called a
reel-in -a-bottle, shut him up securely in the old
one. There he has been a close Sunday-man
for six years, and during that period has received,
at stated periods, called in law parlance, " term
time," what Connaught gentlemen designate "the
grace of God," — the same commencing with a
royal greeting, and indicating that King William,
whom may God long preserve ! had taken a
fancy to be personally introduced, and would
not listen to any apology.
Law is a devouring element that feeds raven-
ously on all it comes in contact with — and slowly,
but steadily, all in and about Castle Raftcrty lias
gone from l)a(l to worse. To blockade the j)ru-
prictor in his domicile, God knows, was bad
296 EK.IN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
enough, but still, and even in the darkest hour of
his trials, was there not balm in Gilead to console
him ? The best poteeine that ever set care at
defiance was home-made by the tenants, and Mr.
Rafierty played the pipes like a professor. Would
not, then, the music of the glasses and the melody
of the bag, when united, soothe a perturbed spirit,
and enable any private gentleman to sleep soundly
in his virtuous bed, although three latitats had
been nefariously slipped under the hall-door the
night before ? But the worst was still to come.
This, as everybody knows, is an iron-age,
abounding in horrible inventions. Have not
servant-maids, with a three years' character,
been burked by the agency of a pitch-plaster, in
the open street, when innocently engaged in
bringing in the supper-beer ? Has not an inge-
nious gentleman, named Warner, proposed to
send the monument to the sky, with a shell not
larger than a China orange ? Has there not been
found a desperate man who will undertake to
turn down a score of Morrison's pills, swallow
the box afterwards, and yet outlive the trial. All
these must, no doubt, have emanated in demoniac
agency and assistance ; but he who originated a
receiver under the Court of Chancery, as a dia-
bolical contriver, in our opinion, double-
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 297
distanced the whole lot ? and so thought poor
Mr. Rafferty as he supplied anew the tumbler
and bag with alcohol and wind.*
A pause ensued after ]\Ir. Rafferty had finished
" Planxty Maguire," and the mixture from which
he never applied in vain for consolation.
" We are ruinated tee-totally," said the poor
gentleman, " and there's nobody to comfort me,
Father Antony, but yourself. Dick— the devil's
luck to him, if it wouldn't be wrong in me, his
father, to wish him that — does nothing from big
Lady-day to the little one, but dance at every
cakef he hears of, and founder the only mare in
our possession that would produce a pound over
the value of the skin, and all to be foremost at a
dragging home. "J
"And yet," returned the churchman, doubt-
fully, " with the blessing of the Virgin, Dick
* A hiatut, here occurs in the MSS.
t A cake, is a subscription bull. The article from which it
takes its name being a composition of sodden flour, bad butter,
aud decayed fruit.
X The dragijing-home is the inducting a bride to her new
abode, a ceremuuy always attended with a hack. race.
o 3
298 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
might come to good. Wasn't Patt Pliniket all
but transported for shooting at the sub -sheriff,
and not a month ago didn't he get two thousand
with his wife ? To do her justice, the creature,
she's no beauty at the best, and she steps a little
short, some say from a splint, but Patt swears
it's only a bad corn. Well, Dick's well enough
upon his pins, and stands within a shaving of six
feet. He's a 2;ood heisjht."
" For a recruiting party." And the old gen-
tleman sighed as if he would break his heart.
" Haven't I paid smart for him 'till I'm tired.
The next time he 'lists, by this book ! — " and
Mr. RafFerty first piously did salutation to the
rim of his tumbler, and then turned down the
residue of its contents — " By this book ! and
I'm now on oath, Father Antony, he shall have
plenty of time to become perfect at the goose-
step ; for if a carlicue would buy him off, he'll
remain, for me, where he is, 'till he has full time
to become master of the manual and platoon.
Och ! the do-no-good divil that he is ; had he
but the grace of God, and the luck of Patt
Plunket— "
"Arrah, what are ye drivin' at?" said the
priest, with a knowing look. " Isn't it rather
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 299
quare that the same thing was in my head when
I hurried over a sick call, and rode here helter-
skelter, Hke a man on the look out for a midwife.
Just throw your eye over that paper, which a
traveller gave me ; a mighty dacent sort o' man
as I fell in with for a long time, too. I put him
right at the cross-roads when he was non-plushed
which of them to take — and see, if that which
ye'U read at the top wouldn't fit Dick to a T."
And he handed the old gentleman a Sunday
Times, and pointed out for his perusal, a
paragraph, headed
MATRIMONY,
and thus it ran : —
" A lady, aged ^2, for reasons that will prove
highly satisfactory, would ivish to place herself
and fortune under the protection of a man of
honour — "
Mr. Raffcrty gave a long, low whistle.
" Dick's the lad for her, and no mistake. It's
only three weeks, come Saturday, since he fought
by candle-light, in the stable-yard, at Knock-
croghery — and for the elegance of his behaviour
on the occasion, even his enemies gave him tlic
height of applause."
" Badahurst ! Mr. Rallcrty," said the priest.
" Whist, if you please, 'till I spell out the re-
300 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
mainder for ye. Where did I lave off? Oil!
here — "
" Who could estimate an amiable disposition,
and appreciate a loving wife. The advertiser
flatters herself that, to lady-like manners, she
unites an agreeable person."
" Uncommonly candid," exclaimed the old gen-
tleman. "Does she mention heio-ht and colour?
I take it she's all ris-ht."
" Arrah ! asy, Mr. Rafferty. Would ye have
her state as many particklers as there's stuck into
a handbill that describes a stolen mare? or,
should she offer an engagement like a jockey
parting a horse with a feather on his eye ?"
" Go on," said the old gentleman.
" Her property is entirely at her own disposal ;
and in proof that she is actuated by no mercenary
motives, all pecuniary inquiries are to be declined
on both sides."
" Beautiful !" exclaimed Mr. Rafferty. " If
we Avere rummaging the world over, from
Cultimaugh to Botany Bay you couldn't hit on
anything to match this."
The priest read on.
" Letters, with real name and address, will only
be attended to ; and to disappoint idle curiosity,
none will be received unless post-paid. Direct to
IRISU LIFE PICIURES. 301
* Amelia,' at the Greengrocer s, No. 4^, Fye-Foot
Lane ; to be left until inquired for."
"Isn't there a sitting-down for Dick?" said
the priest, triumphantly, as he rumpled up the
pa])er.
The old gentleman looked thoughtful.
"It's all tliat ye say, Father Antony. But
how the divil — Christ pardon us ! is the boy to
make his way there ? Would there be any harm
in writing civilly to the lady, and ask her merely
to send across as much as will bring him over ?
I'll join him in a note of hand, payable on
demand, if Dick on trial won't suit in size and
action."
" Oh ! blur an' nouns !" says the priest, going
as near swearing as he well coukl ; " that
wouldn't do at all. Be Gogstay ! she would
think we coiddn't scrape together turnpike
money for a walking stick. Never nnnd. We
must muster odds and ends; and, if the worst
comes to the worst, we'll speak to that ould
Jew, Peter llafferty, and get money upon
gompecinc* I wisli I dare; venture to trv a
charity seruKMi , but they're tired out in chapel
as well as church. In one, they're bothered
al)0ut a rotten roof, — aiul in the otiier told a
cock and bull story about convcrtin' hatheus,
• Oompeeine, is the Counauglit uamc for uauriuus iulcrcst.
302 ERIN-GO-BRA GH; OR,
and Sunday after Sunday called upon to stump
up. But Dick must answer the lady's letter
without delay, — and, if we stopped the postboy,
we'll scrape the money up."
" There again Dick is bate dead — " replied
Mr. Rafferty. " You knoAv yerself, Antony,
dear, that he never would take to learnin', and
the most he can do when he's in trouble — and
that's pretty often — is to sign the bail-bond,
and his R is almost always taken for a K."
" Oh, that's the laste of our trouble — " said
the priest ; " I'll try it myself, tho', as it's in
the love line, it will sorely bother me. Give me
the pen and put a drop of water in the tumbler
with a sketch of spirits in the bottom, merely to
take off the colour of death. Now don't spake
'till I'm done."
And his reverence commenced his literary
task muttering to himself as he proceeded.
" ' The humble petition.'
" No — that won't do — it's the way a sheep-
stealer begins when he's committed for six
months, and wants his apprenticeship on the
treadmill reduced to three.
" ' May it please your Royal Highness.'
" That won't do either. I mind that was the
way Doctor M'Tigue began his letter to the
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 303
Welsh Major, when he wanted lave to attend
sick calls after night, without being stopped for
the countersign by the patrol. Poor man ! being
in the lady's hne of business he was liable to be
tattered out late and early — wet and dry. Feaks !
I'll just make a plain begiunin', and call her
' Honored ■Madam/ "
It is much to be lamented that Father Antony
never kept copies of his correspondence, and
that the letter which conveyed an offer of Dick's
hand and fortune to No. 4^, Fye-Foot Lane, were
it sought for, would be non inventus as one of
the Sybilhne ]\[SS. That it was a masterly per-
formance there can exist no douljt whatever.
Success is the best test that can attend upon
amatory effusions, and in ten days an answer
was duly received of which a faithful transcript
shall be given. Great care had been evidently
taken, on the lady's part, to maintain a strict
incognita. The letter from Fye-Foot Lane was
prudently secured by the moiety of a red Avafer,
lest a heraldic discovery might be made — while
Dick's had a seal whose dimensions exceeded a
Spanish doUar. Another thing excited some
surprise. Tliough so particular herself on tliat
point, Amelia, in her luu-ry, had foi'got to pay
the postage.
304 ERIN-GO-BRAGll ; OR,
CHAPTER II.
A Lady's Letter — Matrimonial movements, in effecting w hich
the Priest turns up a Trump — Mr. Eafferty, the Younger,
prepares to start for the Modern Babylon — He receives excel-
lent advice, and departs under a shower of brogues and
blessings.
Without delay, we will give the fair one's
epistle as indited, with the running commentary
that accompanied each paragraph, as Father
Antony read the same —
" Sir—
" Dear I might have prefixed, had not maiden
delicacy forbade it."
" That's a beautiful beginning any how,"
said Mr. Uafferty.
" A brief explanation of the motives which have
influenced my conduct loill best extenuate it,
should that be necessary."
" That's coming to business, Father Antony,
without any rigmarole."
" The absence of my beloved father — "
" So — she has a father."
" And, Mr. RafFerty, did ye ever know any
Christian woman that wanted one?" said the
priest. " Can't ye keep listening, like a dacent
HUSH LITE PICTURES. 305
Catholic, till 1 have finished. Where the divil
— God pardon us ! — did I lave off?"
"At 'a beloved father,' " said the Lord of
Castle Raflferty, like a corrected school-boy,
who has been flagellated for a recent bruillerie.
" The absence of my beloved father, who
has been obliged to visit his West India estates,
to nominate a new agent, the last having broken
trust and — "
" Go on, Antony ; but first let me make
a tumbler for you and another for myself, and if
there's murder in the next page I'll not trouble
ye with a pig's whisper."
In " Hamlet" the player queen promises too
much, and so did the proprietor of Castle
Rafferty.
" Confided to the custody of a treacherous
guardian by my idolized and absent parent, the
trust has been grossly violated — "
" Och ! murder I" exclaimed the old gentle-
man ; " the creature has got a blast."
"Upon my conscience !" atid the churchman
laid down t'lc letter in alarm, "I'm sorely
ap[)rehensive tiiat she's a little damaged in her
rei)utation. Rut stop till we know the worst,"
and he read c)n accordingly.
" This fiend in human form, to whom a too-
306 ERIN-GO-BRAGII ; OR,
confiding father thus unhappily entrusted me —
in his eyes the most precious charge on earth,
is class-leader in a Conventicle, and wants to
marry me to a preacher, blind of the left eye,
and ugly as original sin — and also make over
my paltry pocket money — five poor thousands in
the Four per Cents. — to endow a chapel, and
export to New Zealand a cargo of Watts'
Hymns."
The priest laid down the letter and elevated
his eyes to the ceiling, while my father swore
roundly (and Father Antony did not rebuke the
outburst), that the guardian aforesaid should
be hanged — and also, that the one-eyed abuser
of his Satanic majesty, namely, the preacher,
— should be committed, as a rogue and vagabond,
to the house of correction.
The remainder of the lady's letter can be
easily compressed. To Dick's proposal she
answered " Done !" She had two protectors,
now, — her father, engaged at present in rum-
maging for gold-dust ; and her lover, awaiting
her decision with the painful anxiety of a culprit
who pleads guilty, as he eyes any suspicious
movement of the judge's finger towards the
cushion before him, miderncath which, as he
knows from Old Bailey experience, the black
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 307
cap is generally deposited. Amelia waived idle
ceremony, and came like a brick to the scratch.
Bred an orthodox episcopalian, she was ready to
renounce methodism, and all that aided and
abetted it. Connemara was nearer than
California. The sooner she was in security the
better — and the trifle in the Four i)er Cents. —
her hand and person included — hke a note
payable on demand, were ready for j\lr. Kafierty
for claiming; of them.
" The sooner Dick starts the better," said the
priest. " I'll take the bull by the horn, and see
if I can't knock the fear of God into the heart of
that miserable old malefactor, that, to your
disgrace, is but four akin. Think of him, the
antiquated sinner, olicring a light shilling only
last week, to take his own cousin gcrman,
by the mother's side, out of purgatory — and
he, as the ould villin knew well the loosest lad
that ever the parish ])roduced. But I'll not
part him cha])e, and if the oidd lady will get
Dick's linen put together, and you will drink
asy, and comfort yourself with an air u[)on
the pi[)('s, I'll do my best, and see if the \'irgin
— glory to her for a rc!al gentlewoman ! — won't
stick to us, as she has done, ;il many astitl'pineh
before."
308 EllIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
It was late the next day before his reverence
returned, for he had lost the best end of the
preceding evening, before he could bring the
miser to the point. But he did succeed. The
skinflint forked out thirty pounds — but the
gom.peeine he exacted was known only to himself
and to the loan contractor. The old gentleman
was to pass his note ; the priest agreed to be
security ; and as many of the tenants were to
join the twain, as could find room for a name or
their X upon the back of the bill.
In three days, Dick was ready for the road,
and set out by times, to catch the coach at
Cloghnageerah. Prayers were offered for him
in the chapel after second mass ; and as he
trotted towards the coach road, there wasn't
an old shoe within the parish that was not pelted
after him for luck. The priest undertook to see
him off, for, the old gentleman being a quarter
behind-hand with the hush money, was mortally
afraid to meet the sheriff, and kept snug and
warm in the house.
" Dick avour neeine /" said Father Antony,
" fortune's before ye hke a wheel-barrow — and
the ball is at ye'r toe, if you can but manage to
give it the right kick. When ye arrive in
foreign parts take things fair and 'asy — and
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 309
don't, at the first word, off with the coat to every
divel that wants to fight ye. Don't be late out
in the streets upon the batter — nor ware ye'r
boots out dancing at every cake, or in skrimagin
over the wide world after every woman ye run
against, because she wears a fliskmahoy ribbon
in her bonnet and has jimkin bobs in her ears,
that are, may be, only gilt after all. Don't,
when ye'r in for a heavy drink, sit with your back
to the fire ; and keep two things close shut —
your pocket and your mouth. Write down
all that happens ye, and ye can now and then
get a frank, or send it by some friendly boy who
has been in London for a spree, or out of the
way of trouble for being over civil to a neigh-
bour's daughter, and is waitin' till he hears
from liome that the uiatch-money is made up.
And now, up with yc on the roof — for I see the
divil, Phil Maguirc, has boulted his cropper
at the counter, and is drawin' his cuff' across his
mouth. Be sure ye mind ye'r duty like a laal
Catholic, and uivcr miss mass when ye can help
it. The coach is going, and now, Dick, astore*
remember ye'r clergy's words, and Hod bless ye,
if it be possible."
INTr. Maguirc touched the off-leader witli the
• Anyliri', darliug.
310 ERIN-GO-BE AGH ; OR,
silk — the helpers pulled away the horse-cloths —
a shower of blessings and old brogues were
discharged as the coach started — one of the
latter unsettling, from over-zeal and mal-
direction, the back tooth of an English tra-
veller.
" Won't I be proud of ye in a month or two,"
and his reverence gave a wink, which, like the
shake of Lord Burleigh's head in the play,
conveyed an infinity of meaning.
Poor Father Antony ! Before half the
allotted space, the story of his pupil had
concluded for, like the history of a fox-hunter,
Dick's career had been short, sharp, and
decisive. To honour its wind-up, however, no
public demonstration at Castle RafFerty was
made, and at chapel, neither
The bells were rung,
Nor the mass was sung.
But why and wherefore this occurred, the reader
will discover after he shall have read the next
chapter, which we venture to assure him shall be
found rather short, very pleasant, and uncom-
monly instructive.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 311
CHAPTER III.
Penmausliip and Orthoepy. — Departures from both, professional
and polite. — Opening occurrences of the Journey, as detailed
by Mr. Ignatius O'Boyl. — Dick Rafferty finds favour with a
Coroner's Jury. — Crosses the Channel, and opens the Hy-
meneal campaign. — Letters from London. — What happened at
the Sign of the Lady without a Head. — A change of Quarters
for the worse. — Julia goes to Newgate and Dick enlists. —
Both ordered on Foreign Service, and also in the same vessel.
— The Lady proceeds on a Cruise, and Mr. Rafferty returns
to Connemara. — Luck's everything, and Virtue is rewarded in
the long run. — A bad start does not always lose a race, and
Dick comes in a winner.
It has been commonly remarked, that atten-
tion to caligraphy is not considered an essential
either by the great or learned. Indeed, it would
appear that they rather prided themselves in
running into the opposite extremes. With
professional men, distinctive singularity is
pardonable — a bad hand is indispensable to a
medical practitioner, as a Brougham and a book —
while the enormity of occupation which a per-
sonage learned in the law struggles to insinuate
that he labours inider, would be dissipated at
once, could it be remotely suspected that he
could find leisure to loop an " 1," or cross a " t."
As in physic, half the virtue of a preseri])tiou lies
312 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
in its hieroglyphics, so also, in law, what client
would fee counsel who conveyed his private
sentiments on the merits and demerits of the
case at issue, in language that could be under-
stood, or characters decipherable by any person
but a solicitor? Would any elderly lady
swallow rhubarb, were the drug not mystified on
its bottle into " rad : rhei :" — and yet that
ornament to the profession, Doctor Ollapod,
would tell you that " rhubarb's rhubarb," after
all. No, could the old gentlewoman but suspect
that she swallowed at bed-time in a bolus, what
she discussed very comfortably at dinner in
a tart, she would cut the family chemist
incontinently, and seek some more cunning
leech, who, though he might in submission
to the revolutionary spirit that unhappily marks
the age, have discarded the stuffed alligator
he took with the fixtures of the shop some fifty
years before, still, true to his vocation, will
involve even to the last, his " beggarly account
of empty boxes," in mystic characters and bad
Latin ?"
Lawyers and doctors are permitted, by cus-
tom immemorial, to inflict " cursed crabbed
pieces of penmanship" upon the community —
but it is expected, per contra, that they shall
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 313
neither lengthen or abridge any word in common
use, in aught of its fliir proportions, as allotted
to the same by Lindley Murray. Persons, not
professional, are entitled to claim exception.
Lord Loggerhead, in right of his peerage, held
himself authorized to spell physician with an ' f,'
and Antony Lumpkin, Esquire, a gentleman of
ancient family and good estate, candidly confessed
that he never could tell " an i from an izzard."
"With such precedents ready to quote at com-
mand, Dick RafFerty felt that no apology ^vas
requii-ed for his being, in orthographical matters,
a little erratic. As Hamlet excused a cold
supper on the score of thrift, the priest's eleve
might plead for the omission of double m's and
n's, thnt, while the meaning of the word could be
comprehended by a judicious curtailment, the
writer's time — ad valorem amount, not correctly
understood — and a saving of ink, would be
equally effected.
It was the tirst time that Dick had been re-
quired to call in the aid of letters, and convenient
as they may be sometimes, to
" Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul.
And waft a sigli from Indus to the Pole"—
Still, ill love and business, the prevailing fancy
VOL. I. p
314 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
in Connaught is to manage matters by word of
mouth. Dick RafFerty — save under three
tumblers, and that the language spoken was the
vernacular — was, in truth, an orator of but
feeble pretension — while on paper he was still
less effective. All, therefore, that was said and
done during the crowded six weeks of his
English expedition, and which, by turns, con-
verted Castle Rafferty into a house of feasting
and fasting, we shall endeavour to condense and
render into English — as we best can — adding,
here and there, such incidental correspondence
as may be necessary to fill two or three hiatuses.
The first intimation of Dick's progress was
thus addressed —
" Mistress Honoria O'Boyl,
Grocer, tobaciuist, and Oilman,
Cloouflin,
N.B. — Turn at Knockscattery. Connemara."
County Infirmary — Monday,
Ward No. 2. Morniu'— 12 of June.
"Dear Wife,
" I know that you'l be soar distrest to here of
my kallamerty — but the lord's will be dun —
Hear I am in the county Infermary, led up
with a kolar bone brok, and all thro' Dick
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 315
RafFerty — the divil's luck to him, day and night
— Until Ave cam to Kiltycormick our jurny Avas
uncommon plesint, as the gentelman Avho sat
upon the bocks, plaid on the jews harp most
beautiful — We had a htel Refreshment at the
stages as we druv along, but there wasn't a man
on the roof ye could Avell say was the Avorse of
Liker — Well nothing AA-ould seiA^e Dick — my
curse and the Avidda's lite upon the same — but he
must drive and partly thro' spirits, and partly
thro' pcrswashin, he gets the coachman — God
be good to him, and pity his poor Avife Avho's at
the down-lyin,' and his childer, one of them a
kripel, and the other that can't Avalk, to give him
the whip and the reighns. AAvay he went — and
feaks — I had grate misgivins that Dick's diivin
— maA' the divil drive the same lad — Avould
bring us into trubbel — an sorra much I Avas
astray.
" Well, for about a matter of six mile, Avce
got on purty fair, an' all the damage done aviis
by Dick's driving thro' a Flok of gees and
lamin' a goslin'. AVe stopt at Roger IMurpliy's,
and had som Beer, and a snap of spirits, nate at
the red Cow — and also another pint that tiie
gent on the bocks that plaid the trump, won
from the man behind him, avIvo beat that Lord
r 2
316 ERIN-GO-BKAGII ; OR,
Wellintown was a hielanraan by bertli, and
always wore kilts upon a Sunday. The cuuipanee
give it against him — an' feaks 1 he paid it like
a man — and we stopt an' had it at Matty
Philbin's. We had also a taste at Tom Langin's,
that keeps the pound, and a drop of beer, out of
respect, at his motherinlaw's — a very dacent
ould woman, whos son w'as hanged on suspishin
of murderin' a tithe proctor (bad luck attend
the name !) about a twelvemonth back. Well,
thro' these stopps we lost time, an' says Peter
Cormick, ' We're behind hand,' — and the divil
a maney w^ords he spok after it — * Are we,'
says Dick, ' then here goes to make it up.' In
went the whip, an' away we goes scatterm' down
the hill. * Holy Barbara !' says poor Peter,
' why didn't ye stop till we put the drag on. —
In wid the laders, and mind y'er noggin hand,*
or we'll be teetotally demolished — for there's not
a krooketter corner in Connaught, than the one
that's before ye.' Well, instead of followin'
good advice, Dick lost hart altogether — let slip
one part of the reighns, and pult hard upon the
wrong ones — so the coach run away with the
* In Hibernian parlance, the left, from holding that useful
v-essel is termed the " noggiu-haud," and the right "the spoon"
one.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 317
horses, as might be expected, au', instead of
turniii' fair an' asey over the Bridge, we goes
head over heels into a pratty tield. Peter
Cormick — Lord look down upon tlie fanialy ! —
was kilt upon the spot — I was takin up for ded
— one horse brok his neck, and the other three
will nivir turn a wheel while they live in this
world. The gentehnan that plaid the trump,
sed to me afore the axident, when we were
takin' a cropper at the widda's, that he was
mighty fond of dancin' — but the divil a step
he'll take for a month o' Sunday's, as his ankel's
fairly twisted round — and, as I here, but can
scarce believe, the heel is now where the big-to
ust to be formerley. Grate consternation was
alihcted on the insides ; — the bishop of Kinturli,
whose a stout man, an' who nivjr, as the vally-
de-cham sed, took nothin' but carriage exercise,
is blac from his hip u[)\varil as the ace of
spades. Lord forgive us for camparin' a sinful
card to a holy bishop I — Hut the worst of this
misfortin must be tould yet, — there was a
daccnt young cuppel just married in the coach,
and she lias lost live teeth, and is so (listi':;ii;ert
otherways, that lu-r luisbin's dog wouhhi't ow u
her. As to him, the poor divil ! he's stricht
beside me in the next bed — a beautifuil place
318 EHIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
for a man to spend the honeymoon — and all this
thro' Dick RafFerty.
" An' now. Honor darlin', as I've tould ye the
extent of our ]\Iisfortin, you'l ask, an' natral
enugh, what became of that villin that occassioned
all — and, as a christein woman, 1 know ye'l hope
he brok his back, — but I've dowbts on my mind
that he even brok his braces — for he Avent flyen
off the bocks, lit upon his feet, like a merry andra,
and was the first to ask us, as we lay topsy-
turvy, what the mater was. He's safe to be
hanged, — an' that, all in an' out, when they
recovred there senses an' ther tongue, offert to
make affidavid on, if they were askt upon oath."
There were some family details superadded to
this official account of the accident. Young Peter
was to be flagellated if he smashed another pane ;
and even if she went down upon her knees, the
tailor's wife should not be entrusted to the value
of a schultogue — she had no principle, and never
went to mass ; — good and sufficient grounds, in
Peter's mind, for her not obtaining permission
to instruct him in the art and mystery of book-
keeping.
The opening epistle will generally convey the
particulars of the accident ; and touching the
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 311)
general results, a despatch from tlie origo mali,
meaning Dick, will be sufficiently explicit,
although we will farther elucidate the text, by
now and then introducing a running commentary
of the churchman's —
"'Dear Fat er Antony,
" ' You didn't expect to hear from me so
> >>
soon.
" Ui)on my conscience ! he may say that."
" ' We'er born to troubil as a turf dies upper-
most, as you said yerself in the effective sermon,
that ye preached upon the death of the miller's
wife.'"
" It's wonderful how my words stick to the
memory of the flock, like a burr to a woollen
stocking — for even that reprobate remendjcrs
them ; but, the thief, to put a turf into the mouth
of the Lord's minister — and that's myself — when
I said a spark. Who the divil — Ciirist ])ar(lon
us for even naming him — heard before of a turf
flying up a chimney? But let us go on."
"*As I intend to come back four-in-hand, I
thought I had better practice with the mail ; and,
tiic harness being rotten, the horses run awav ;
ami, owing to tlic fault of tlu; proprietors, the
whole concern was made .smlthcrccna of — poor
320 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
Peter Cormick was kilt upon the spot ; and the
divil a one, big or Httle, escaped damage but ray-
self. It's wonderful to imagine how anybody
could have been hurt — the drop wasn't above
eight or ten feet — and what can be softer than a
potato field ?' "
"Postscript.
" ' Reverend and dear Sir,
" ' Would ye believe it ? as the stockin' man
died last night, they had a coroner's inquest on
him this morning. The verdict was not acci-
dental death, as it ought to be ; but I know well
the hair of your head will stand on end, when I
tell ye what an escape I had. There was a villin,
an outsider, with brown clothes, a broad hat, and
buckles in his shoes, that would girth a surcingle.
Well in he comes, and offered to make oath, only
he wouldn't kiss the book, that I was the death
of the stockin' man ! I bless God, and so will
you, that the jury were all good Catholics ; and
I got the height of applause for the way I cross-
examined him. — ' Ask him if he goes to mass,'
says I, ' and bid him cross himself, the hathen, if
he can.' — Feaks he owned the truth at once ; he
never had darkened a chapel door, and he called
crossing an act of idolatry ! — ' Ask him, the divil,'
lillSU LIFE PICTURES. 3:21
says I, 'if he'd mind eating meat upon Good
Friday?' — And what do you think was the
answer — why, that ' it was a good one when he
got it.' — ' Arrah be off, and repent,' says the fore-
man ; ' I woukhi't hang a cat upon ye'r evidence
— you would sware this young gentleman's life
away, ye broad brimmed malefactor.' And they
brings in at once that the stockin' man died bv
the visitation of God — and feaks ! I got over m
a common canter, what I feared might have
brought me into tribulation. Dear and reverend
Antony, don't forget me in your prayers, and
remember me to my mother, Biddy Callaghan,
Judy Grimes, Shawn-a-Neilan,* and Critch
O'llara — and also, to all inquiring friends.
Whitewash the stable that the grey colt died in
— and be asy on Mary Mossop when she comes
to be churched as ye can. You know I'm going
to lead a new life, and neither of us will trouble
you again. So no more at present."
The next epistle was dated from Holyhead ;
and joyful was the priest's heart, as he read the
agreeable missive over for the third time.
*D
" Here I aui fairly across tlie herring brook,
• " Johu of the Iblaudb," uud " llunchlxickcd O'llara."
V 13
322 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
and things look like housekeeping as you'll pre-
sently admit, and now for the particulars —
" A young and interesting lady on landing on
the K " (Oh ! Holy Bridget ! there's a way
of spelling " Quay," and the very next line,
there's footman with a u) — " found that her maid
and futman had taken the wrong vessel, leaving
her nothing but what she stood upright in,
except a small basket and her Bible, with six or
eight shillings, in small silver, to throw to beggars
from the coach window, or any cripple that came
across her. Faith ! I took instant advantage of
her distress, and insisted on franking her to
London. She held out for a little, but what
could the crature do ? so I took charge of her on
the spot ; and who do you think she is, Father
Antony ? The divil a less, than the youngest
daughter to a third cousin of the Lord Mare." —
(Oh ! murder ! there's one way to spell mayor).
"Well ye see, Antony astore,* when I was
satisfied of her high connexions, I began to draw
tenderly on other matters touching how she stood
respecting tin." — (Tin ! what the devil does he
mean by tin ? Oh ! I guess it from what follows.)
— " And by degrees I coaxed all out of her at
last. She has one side of a street in a place
* Anglice — darling.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 323
they call Pimlico — God knows what money in the
funds — and great expectations from an old gen-
tleman, aged seventy-six, who is maid of honour
I think she said to the lord chancellor. Well,
hadn't I the luck of thousands that these divils,
the servants, went astray? — She tells me she
gives the maid close upon a hundred a year, and
the futinan." — (Bad luck to ye, Dick, another u !)
— " Never walks the street in the dirtiest weather,
without silk stockings and a cocked hat.
"Here we are in London, and staying at a
fashionable hotel with a funny sign, a woman
without a head upon her. By the assistance of
the Blessed Virgin, and a pain in her stomack,
which lasted the whole of the journey, and that
nothing during the whole time, but brandy nate,
could relieve, I overcome her maiden scruples.
Indeed, between cognac and persecution I never
let her rest. She was bothered at u place they
called Wolverhampton, and dead beat when wc
came to Coventry. She'll not mind her third
cousin the lord mayor a trancine* and we'll put
the bans up next Sunday."
* Aiijlich — a straw.
324 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
" Sign of the Lady without a Head,
" Wednesday Evening.
" Divil's luck to lady's maids, and fellows with
cocked hats, who would faint to case their calves
in dacent Connemaras. Neither of them have
appeared yet, and we are beginning to fancy,
they got by mistake into the Scotch packet,
which has occasioned the delay, Julia is here
without a second shift (mind, Eather Antony,
I only guess as much), and what's become of her
baggage and jewel-cases, God only knows. I'm
down to £4 6s. 4c?. If these devils, the servants,
don't turn up in a day or two, I must, I'm much
afraid, condescend to borrow a pony or two, from
the lord mayor. Of course, he'll be too happy to
write a cheque for the £20, but one doesn't like
being under any obligation to a stranger. I'll
name it to JuHa after dinner.
" She won't hear of it ; but she'll step over to
the Mansion-house to-morrow.
*' Isn't it a wonder how particular the people
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 325
in the house arc ? Divil a chop touches your
ivory, till it's paid for on the nail — and ye must
stump up the lodging money every night before
you stretch yourself upon the flea-bag. I wish
JuHa's traps were come to hand; she tells me
there's a £50 note in the jewel-case, if she could
only find out where it was. Well, the lord mayor,
of course, will make all right to-morrow.
" She's back ; and was there ever such a hard-
hearted old Turk. He give her the height of
abuse for not being in time last week to be pre-
sented to her Majesty ; and she felt so much
affronted, that she came away without even ask-
ing for the cheque. I wish she would let me
step over and explain. What do I value him
and his gilt coach ? But she won't listen to it.
I wish the servants and the kit were come. Down
now to eight-and-sixpence.
* # * *
" No news of the servants. Not a ghost to
keep the devil out of my pocket, but a battered
shilling and fourpcnce halfpenny in brass. Julia
nmst overcome her pride a little, and get twenty
or thirty pounds from that old cousin of hers. —
Bad luck to him.
" Oh ! murder, murder. Father Antony '
326 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
"We're teetotally ruined, and that's the short and
long of it. Warned out by the landlady — and
the lord mayor — Cromwell's curse upon him ! —
is gone to sea in his barge, and isn't expected
home for a fortnight. Where are we to move
into, and obtain a lodging ! Oh ! murder !
Antony avourneeine ! I wish you were be-
side us l"
" God forbid I had my wish ! For, feaks ! you
would be in a strono;er house than ever Castle
Rafferty was. But I'll do my best to inform
you of what has happened.
" While we were sitting over a little gin and
water, and I was endeavouring to persuade her to
step down with me to Pimlico, and, as we do in
Conneraara, get the tenants to fork out a little in
advance, the door opens, and in comes a couple
of as ill-looking villains as ever a dog barked at.
One of them chucked Julia under the chin, and
asked her, ' Where the devil she had stuck her-
self, as they had been rummaging for her the last
three months ?' Feaks ! I was so astonished I
couldn't speak, and may be I was surpi'ised a
little more, and that in the course of the next
minute.
" ' Is this cove yer fancy man, since Tom was
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 327
lagged ? I suppose, as I don't know him, he's a
country workman ye have picked up, but we may
happen to find out a Httle more aljout him pre-
sently.' And before I knew that anything was
wrong, they had me handcuffed like a deserter.
As to our pockets, they turned all inside out.
Devil a scurrick but a sixpence was in mine, and
all that Julia's produced, was three pawn tickets
and a pack of cards.
* * * »
" Locked up for the night. Oh ! Father
Antony, haven't I made a Judy Fitzsummons
mother of myself? Julia's no more related to
the Lord Mayor than you are — and lias not a rag
of reputation, for all she depends upon is telling
fortunes on the cards.
"Turned out in the morning — Julia sent to
Newg.'ite. She made faces at me from the dock,
and told me before she stepped into the van, to
inquire after her maid and footman.
" Not a rap to bless myself upon — not a roof
to shelter me. When 1 went back to the Woman
without the Head, they told nic my wife hiid sent
her brother for my luggage— and all but shut
3.:28 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
the door in my face. — Nothing but one choice
left — Listed in the 5th Foot — Regiment, in
New South Wales, — depot, at Chatham."
(A hiatus for three months occurs in Mr.
RafFerty's correspondence.)
" Drafted to join the service companies — and
go out guard of a female convict ship. — Went on
hoard at Woolwich. — Transports partly in the
vessel, and the rest expected this tide by a
steamer.
" Cross yourself, Father Antony, before you
read another line. — Who do ye think is among
the last batch ? The devil a one but Julia
Montagu ! I was sentry on the gangway, — she
knew me at first sight. — Did she faint ? I think T
hear your her reverence inquire. Arrah ! the devil
an idea of the kind was in her head. Of all
the brazen thieves ye ever cursed from the altar
in your time, she's the biggest. As they had
cropped her close, I was a little bothered to
remember her for a minute. She burst into a horse
laugh — ' Are ye there, Dick ?' says she ; ' Does
your mother know you're out? — and have ye
written lately to Father Antony? My cousin,
the Lord Mayor, sent you his kind compliments,
and, would you believe it, neither my maid nor
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 3.29
footman have ever returned since. — So, you have
got brown bess upon your shoulder ; the fittest
phiything for about the biggest fool I ever met to
amuse himself with.' — And she kept laughing at
me 'till they bundled her down below.
" God and yoiu- reverence be praised, my
discharge arrived this evening. I'll hurry home
as fast as I can roof it down to Liverpool, and
if ever I take four-in-hand again, or lay hold
of an heiress at first sight, leave me at pack-drill
for the remainder of my natural life."
It is only necessary for us, as the biographer
of Dick llafferty, to say, that he returned to
Castle Raff'crty not richer, but much wiser than
when he commenced his travels, lie neither
requested, en route to Connemara, permission
to tool the coach, nor would he have at-
tempted to put his comether* on an heiress,
had such been in the carriage. In a year after-
wards he married a priest's niece. Father
Antony made the match, and Dick inherited
all that the old churchman luul hoarded lor half
* Make love to.
330 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
a century. It is true that the sum total would
not have bought a corner of Pimlico — but all
was aragudsheish* and by its judicious appli-
cation, the hall- door of Castle Rafferty remains
now upon the latch, and the old gentleman
ventures boldly to fair and market, and is not
the least afraid to shake hands with the sub-
sheriff. Dick, after all, was no fool in his
generation. He enacted a four-in-hander —
wooed and won an heiress — became candidate
for the bubble reputation, and finding these were
all vanity and vexation of spirit, he confines
himself to a much more pleasant and profitable
pursuit — namely, the production of sheep, and
fattening of bullocks.
Should the enemy speak with him in the
gate, his quiver is amply provided. Five pledges
of connubial love have been granted him with
marveUous rapidity; and, tell it not to Harriet
Martineau, it is whispered, and not denied, that
Mrs. Richard Rafferty is again " as ladies wish
to be."
The old gentleman drinks poteeine punch,
and plays the pipes as usual. The Priest blesses
or bans, according as the flock deserve it. Julia
Montagu has never favoured her former lover
* Ready money.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 331
with a single line, — and sucli is the truant dis-
position of men, that while he recalls a half-
forgotten fox-chase with delight, Dick modestly
declines any pretensions to drive three blind
ones and a bolter, — and, from his silence on
the subject, a stranger would never suspect that
he had cut a distinguished figui'e in the British
Metropolis.
332 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
xVDVENTURES OF A FRESHMAN FIFTY
YEARS AGO.
One moiety of a century has passed — the dark
brown hair of seventeen is represented by a
" frosty pow " — and " accidents, by flood and
field," have largely marked the interval. The
history of a life differs marvellously. Prom boy-
hood it is a voyage. One man's skiff glides over
the unruffled surface of a mill-pond ; another's,
sorely tempest-tost, may happily survive the
gale, but between squalls flounder in broken
water, until he, the preserved one, shall look
upon his deliverance as a misery, and not a
mercy.
A few passages in my parti-coloured career
will point the moral of my conclusions.
For a very different profession than that which
1 selected, family arrangements had designed me.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 333
Three brothers, as they attained an eligible age,
had obtained commissions — wliile I, like another
" Young Astyanax, the hope of Troy," was
parentally doomed to eschew the " ear-piercing
fife," and operate not on simple sheepskin, but
" Puli)it, drum ecclesiastic," and while my
brothers, in the Low Countries, assailed gentle-
men in blue — to wit, the French — safe at home,
I was to abuse the lady in scarlet, and that to
the very best of my abilities.
Pope says or sings that a poetical apprentice
" foredoomed his father's soul to cross," is a
curse frequently inflicted on respectable men of
business. And if my worthy mother expected
to weep bitterly at my first charity sermon, the
poor dear lady might have bottled her tears for
ever.
I was a stale gib,* when for a college escapade,
I was sentenced to six months' rustication. The
discipHne of Alma Plater was, at that time,
national out and out. The alumni, for " a con-
sideration," might sleep extra miiros six nights
out of the seven ; and whether their dormitory
was Saint Andrew's watchhouse, " The Can-
nister," or "The HoK'-in-the-Wall,"! was a
♦ A senior Freshman.
t These pleasant hostclries are no more, but they will still
334 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
matter of perfect indifference to the authorities —
or the dehnquents — all penal consequences being
booked in the quarterly accounts against parents
and guardians. How absurdly are men's for-
tunes decided ! I, regularly intended for a
Boanerges, and that loo by the disposition of a
maiden relative, whose piety was decided, and
her child's portion — seven thousand — invested in
the Five per Cents. — et nullus error, as " the
Duke " classically expresses it ; I, under whose
sweeping eloquence, the lady in red who sitteth
on the Seven Hills, should be severely castigated,
and if she had it in her, brought to the blush ;
I, from family interest, putting my virtue and
my learning out of the account altogether, with a
mitre in prospectu — all and every hope to be
overthrown in one fell swoop— and all this pros-
tration of lofty expectations, merely for the
abstraction of a pine apple !
It was a sweet summer evening — and after
Commons, we youths, as Fat Jack says, had a
symposium, our "custom i' the afternoon,"
Costigan's double-distilled being considered a
sine quel non to counteract the evil consequences
survive iu the recollection of " old Corintliians," who in " lang
syne," over black cockles and Costigan's "raal malt,'' delighted
there to hear " the chimes at midnight."
IKISn I.IFE PICTURES. 335
which might otherwise arise from the eternity of
boiled legs of mutton which it pleased the board
to cause us hcbdomadally to swallow. Alma
IVIatcr was then a pleasant place enough for
young gentlemen who had health and could com-
mand means. The weather was warm — the
alcohol meritorious — and divers glasses were
cunningly fabricated, and faithfully discussed.
From the gothic hour we dined at — three p.m. —
it was not unusual to meet candidates for the
woolsack or a mitre, heavily screwed, and that
also, before ordinary mortals had stretched a leg
beneath mahogany at all. On this unhappy
evening, as far as drinking went, the pace was
strong. At five, we began to meditate mischief;
at six, were well up to the mark- and, bent upon
taking pleasure, like the sailor who went to see
the man hanged, we sallied on the town to avail
ourselves of any agreeable adventures which
Dame Fortune might be pleased to favour us
with.
A fruiterer, named Anderson, had for some
alleged offending, incurred the displeasure of our
body politic. As Mrs. j\Ialaprop would term it,
he resided in a "contagious " neiirlibom'hood —
his domicile b(;ing directly opjiosite the equestrian
statue of the Third William of glorious memory.
336 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
On this — and to me an eventful evening it
proved — great were the attractions his windows
presented to the passer-by. There were apples
which would have seduced Mother Eve — plums
originally from Mogul — and pears of undeniable
pretension — but tliere lay a jewel above price
before which all else yielded — for, by comparison,
a ribston had no chance, nor could a jargonel
hold a candle to it ; in a word, this exotic beauty
w^as a pine.
" Lord ! how tempting !" I muttered. " I'm
half inclined to run away with it."
" Bet you cockles and accompaniments for
six that you don't," replied one of my valued
confederates.
Suadente Diabolo, I exclaimed, " Done !"
Curse upon Costigan ! Three tumblers, and
stiff ones too ! Away went the consequences
that were attendant upon felony — away went the
pine- — aAvay went the abstractor — and away went
the astonished shopman after him — strong run-
ning succeeded, and a stronger cry of " Stop
thief!"
Everybody knows that an alarmed hare never
heads to her own form directly — and on tlie same
principle, I doubled again and again — took
sundry by- streets, — thought to blink the pursuit
IinSH LIFE PICTURES. 337
by heading through a crooked alley ; but " louder
still the clamour grew," and at last, I turned my
flying footsteps towards that seat of virtue and
polite learning, from which, in an evil hour, I
had unfortunately issued on the town.
From the start I had made strong running,
and although the pursuit was actively maintained,
the chances were that I should reach my den in
safety — pine-apple and all. Vagabonds, without
venturing to stop me, raised a terrific alarm, one
scoundrel asserting that I had stolen a watch,
while another bellowed " Murder !" AlthouQ;h
fellows with fresh wind succeeded the " gorbellied
knaves " whom the first burst had left without a
puff, still I shoidd have won cleverly, had not a
Quaker inserted an umbrella between my legs,
and before I could regain my feet — my curse and
Cromwell's upon the broad-brimmed scoundrel !
I was regularly run into.
How I was incarcerated in the watch-house — a
thing of no novelty to me — bailed out by my
tailor — arraigned before the board, and sentenced
to be rusticated for a year, I need not particu-
larly dwell upon. To communicate this pleasant
intelligence to head-quarters was unavoidable,
but the difliculty lay in determining the most
palatable medium that couhl be chosen for
VOL. I. Q
338 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
making a disclosure, which would for ever
demolish the cherished hopes of my lady
mother, and place a pious aunt in sackcloth and
ashes as she mourned for my delinquency.
Were not the air-built castles founded on law
and divinity suddenly overturned — dispelled like
a vision of the night ? My lady mother had
looked confidently forward to the possession of
the great seal — while my aunt, good easy
woman, would have been modestly contented
with a mitre. All hope had ended. Would the
honourable portion of a man's person who had
committed larceny in open daylight, be allowed
to repose upon the woolsack? or would my
pine-apple propensities recommend me to a pair
of lawn sleeves? No wonder that sorrowful
were my secret communings as I strolled list-
lessly through Grafton Street, when at the door
of a saddler's shop, I encountered Lord M ,
who represented our county in parliament, and
also commanded its militia.
As an electioneering supporter, my father had
been always a steady one ; and often had his
lordship tendered his best services in return. I
would have avoided an interview, but his lord-
ship saw me unluckily before I saw him — beck-
oned me over the street — put his arm through
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 339
mine, and brought me to a livery stable in the
neighbourhood to look at a horse he felt a wish
to purchase,
" I saw your people at church Sunday — all
looking well — your father, indicating a placid
conscience, by the serenity of his slumbers
through a display of pulpit eloquence that
extended beyond an hour, and your aunt, as
Shakspeare says, ' sighing hke a furnace' to
think the world was so wicked as the ncw^ curate
forcibly described it."
I thought to myself how she would groan
over the pine-apple affaii' — that being a matter
much nearer home than the transgressions of the
world at large.
" You'll dine with me — any time before day-
light will do to get into college, by ta})ping
at the wicket ' with half-a-crown.' "
"You may extend it to a twelvemonth, as far
as I am personally concerned, my Lord," and
I told him the stoiy of my rustication.
" The devil take pine-apples," he said, with a
laugh. " lUit it's lucky that I ran against you ;
that twenty-stone sinner, Captain Corbet, fancies
that strong exercise, in the dog-days, is not
adapted for a man ' fat as butter,' and, in conse-
quence, this moniing tendered his resignation.
Q 2
340 ERIN-GO-BKAGH ; OR,
The commission is at your service. I will write
to your father, and smooth matters as I best
can. My tailor will lit you out. Your yeo-
manry drill was fortunate, as you can take duty
at once ; and as I remain in town until the
middle of the week, we'll join the regiment
together."
Here was a change — a chancellor in expec-
tancy transmuted into a captain of militia, the
consideration, a pine-apple. Need I add that
I joyfully embraced the oflFer. My father's
wrath might be appeased in time, but would any
apology be received by an irritated aunt for
pleading a nolo episcopari, and clinching the
objection by an act of petty larceny? His
Lordship wrote an explanatory letter, and I a
couple of penitential ones, and having started for
New Ross before answers could be returned, the
mail was fortunately robbed, the replies never
came to hand, and thus the jeremiads of the
ladies, and fulminations of the old commander,
were mercifully spared me.
The South of Ireland was in one wide blaze
— the insurgents up in arms — and the locality
where my regiment was quartered, distinguished
for greater ferocity, from the first moment of the
outburst, than all the province besides. In
IRlSn LIFE PICTURES. 341
cruelty, Wexford achieved an unhappy pre-emin-
ence. The insurgents were savage, and the
royahsts, as might be expected, unrelenting in
return. Many, whose milder natures could not
imagine that civil war will brutalize a man so
soon, refused credence to these narratives of
blood. But alas ! as the Scotch phrase goes,
" the tale was ower true."
On the 2nd of June, Lord and I reached
our destination, after a couple of very narrow
escapes from strolling bands, who, professedly
rebels, but actually banditti, had rendered the
roads so insecure, that strong escorts only could
protect the traveller. The insurrection was now
general ; at Newtown, Barry and Gorey the rebels
had been defeated; but at Tubberneering, a
castle dangler, Colonel Walpole, had lost both
his division and his life.*
* "It will be only necessary to remark, that Walpole was
detached from Dublin to reinforce General Loftus ; that on liis
junction he arrogated for himself a separate command — that it
was culpably acceded to — that he wa.s ambitious to fight an
action without delay — and that, to oblige a minion of the Lord
Lieutenant, an attack on the rebel position, the hill of Bully-
more, was planned, it being considered the safest method of
gratifying 'a carpet knight,' whose services as yet had been
confiued to the duties of the drawing-room." — MaxweWs Hit-
lory, Sj-e.
342 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
On joining the garrison at Ross, from the
dangerous vicinity of the rebel camp at Carrick-
byrn, only six miles distant, the town had been
reinforced, and we found there about 1500
troops of all arms, chiefly Irish militia and
yeomanry, under the command of General
Johnson.
The coming storm was speedily evidenced, for
on the evening of the 4th the rebels decamped
from their former position, and bivouacked on
Corbet Hill, within a mile and a half's distance
of the town.
All night the royalists remained under arms,
to guard against surprise, but none was attempted,
and soon after day-light Bagenal Harvey, the in-
surgent commander, sent in a summons by a man
called Furlong. The out-lying sentry, a young
soldier, disregarding the waving of a white hand-
kerchief, shot the envoy, and infuriated at this
breach of military courtesy, his companions in
dense masses, and with terrific yells, rushed
forward to avenge their leader's death.
The advance of this armed multitude, by
some estimated at 25,000, but even by them-
selves admitted to exceed 15,000 men, exhibited
an appearance at once strange but striking to a
military eye, while their formation, partly in
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 343
close column, and partly in extended order,
showed their immense numbers to imposing ad-
vantage. The enormous disproportion between
their strength, and the physical inferiority of
that opposed, was further enhanced by the wild
fanaticism which a host of priests instilled into
their deluded followers. The credulity of the
lower Irish in everything is proverbial, but in
religious matters it reaches to an extent almost
beyond belief. Of all irregular enemies, the bigot
to a faith which he fancies that he is upholding
with the sword, has ever been regarded as most
dangerous ; and the houris' beckon to paradise
is not more encouraging to the Mussulman, than
the priest's assurance to an Irish peasant, that
though prayer and penance may possibly succeed
in time, still the pike is as certain, and decidedly a
much shorter cut to heaven.
New Ross, once a place of strength, had, from
improvements in the art of wai-, aiul want uf
military value, been open for a century to ag-
gression. One of the positions taken by the
defenders was in front of the Three-bullet Gate.
The skiruiishers retired as the rebel masses came
on — the su})portiiig troops were driven in a
gun caj)tur('(l — but tlu; troops rallied and ad-
vanced again — and while the rebels, in their
344 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
turn, became unsteady, and gave ground, the
5th Dragoons charged injudiciously. Leaping
over the fences, the insurgents easily avoided
contact with the broad-sword, while through
openings in the hedges — from the superior
length of the -weapon — the pike commanded
the road ; and with a heavy loss, the 5th, after
a very gallant but ineffectual effort, were of
necessity retired. The town was gained — the
houses fired by the assailants — a dense mass
of drunken fanatics choked the streets — the
over-pressed soldiery retired — and New Ross
virtually was won.
Virtually it was. But let New Ross point
a valuable moral to modern patriots, whether
they are in the rifle or soda-water-bottle line.
Even in the imaginary pride of assured victory,
in Ireland, the eventual certainty of mob success
has always been, and ever will be, more than
questionable, and in England — en passant —
be it observed, that the result, had the Chartist
vagabonds " screwed their courage to the stick-
ing-point," would have been the same. At Ross,
to shout, drink, and plunder, the rebels generally
abated sharp pursuit — the royalists rallied beyond
the bridge — and with his head uncovered, his
white hair rolling down his shoulders — old John-
TRTSH LTFE PICTURES. 345
son led them ac^ain to a new effort. The sailor
and the soldier have heart-pulses which rarely
are tried in vain. On this day, and in its
gloomiest hour, the appeal was touchingly made,
and as nobly was it answered. "Will you
desert yonr general?" exclaimed the veteran
to the disheartened militia, but the appeal was
coldly heard. " And your countryman, too ?"
he added. The chord of national honour was
touched — a cheer answered it — the old man
wheeled his horse round, and, riding in front,
brought back his rallied troops to the fight ;
and boldly announcing that he was followed
by large reinforcements from Waterford, he re-
joined the brave but wearied few, who still
maintained their ground at the Three-bullet Gate.
The fortune of a doubtful day, when in the scale,
is often turned by a feather ; and this, a military
truism. New Ross sufficiently established. The
troops cheered — plied their musketry with ex-
cellent effect — and, turning the rebel rear, put
their massive columns into a confusion which
proved irretrievable, until at last, and with
desperate slaughter, they drove them fairly from
the town. The exhausted garrison made but
a feeble pursuit, and the rebels were too heavily
derouted to evince any wish to rally ; retiring
q 3
346 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
in mob-like confusion, some heading to Carrick-
byrne, and more to a height called Slieve-Keiltor,
some four miles distant from New Ross.
The leading events of this important day will
best be marked by desultory anecdotes. From
this, also, a gone-by crisis in Irish affairs, some
useful hints, and tolerably correct deductions,
may be given, and safely come to. Before we
give the one, or draw the other, we shall recur
to some passing events which influenced the
fortunes of that doubtful day. What we shall
state shall not be hearsay, but facts authenti-
cated.
The gross proportion of the assailed to the
assailants were, at a moderate average — taking
rebel and royalist reports equally as data —
fifteen to one, at least. The former were, for
irregulars, the best probably the world could
produce — possessing, as they did, the two
best ingredients, animal pugnacity and un-
bounded bigotry. With the localities, for
miles around, they were intimately acquainted,
and that, in military success, is a leading card
in hand. In the town itself, their fellow traitors
occupied three houses out of four^ — a very for-
midable advantage. The royalists were raw
troops, a force heterogeneous in composition.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. ."347
and liastily collected. Men who have been
regimented and drilled together, acquire a mu-
tual dependency, and consider themselves the
portion of a finely constructed machine, whose
regulated movements are perfectionated, we hate
the phrase, but it is here expressive. Hence,
to operate and not consider, is the feeling pro-
duced, and that self-assurance is the first prin-
ciple that distinguishes the soldier from the
mob-man. Stop, we are running into a military
commentary, but a few anecdotes connected
with New Ross will prove that our deductions,
at all events, are not erroneous.
To mob-success, two things have generally
been essential accessories — fanaticism and drun-
kenness. " On their march," says Musgrave,
" they stopped at a chapel, where mass was said
at the head of each colunm, and the priests
sprinkled an abundance of holy water on them.
That they fought sufficiently drunk may be
inferred from a fact, and that also authenticated
from a dozen witnesses. A wretched man, far
advanced in years, rushed on before his com-
panions, aiul remarking that the execution of
a six-pounder had grievously alarmed his friends,
tlie wretched fool stuffed an old hat and wig
into the gun, and hallooed stoutly for his com-
343 ERIN-GO-BRA.GH ; OR,
rades to come on — all danger from explosion
being, as he fancied, effectually obviated. Before
the call could be obeyed the port-fire was laid
upon the touchhole. We trust that the old
gentleman's account was correctly balanced in
Heaven's chancery. Like John Gilpin's, away
went hat and wig, and the proprietor. John's
was, if we recollect the thing correctly, recovered
and brought back, but it would be difficult to
restore either the person or effects, belonging
to the gentleman at New Ross after being
protruded from the muzzle of a six-pounder.
New Ross, commencing at five in the morn-
ing, terminated at three in the afternoon — a
longer space of trial than that undergone at
Waterloo — and, though the assertion may be
held heretical, a much severer, too, considering
its varied fortunes ; we look upon that of Ross
to be the best-fought action of the time.
Throughout, the conduct of old Johnson was
chivalrous ; and while the wretched employes
of the Castle had been tried and found wanting
the day before at Tubberneering, the stout old
soldier at New Ross retrieved half the offences
of " a popinjay."
In war, the picture has lights and shadows
which peaceful hfe cannot be expected to exhibit.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 349
In the soldier's character there are two damna-
tory failings, and it would be difficult to decide
whether caution carried to excess, or culpable
rashness is the more dangerous. The grand
secret in the military art is to learn when to
strike, and when to forbear. At New Ross,
safety lay in daring, and victory rewarded the
stout old soldier. All required the preceding
day at Tubberneering was ordinary prudence,
and a strict attention to the common rules of
war. To both, the wretched fool who had been
unwisely entrusted with command showed gross
indifference. Johnson won, and left a leader's
fame behind him ; Walpole, a melancholy re-
putation — one only that serves to point a moral,
and by sad example prove, that as cucullus non
facit monachum, the aiguillette does not con-
stitute the general.
New Ross presents a vivid sketch of what
that worst of wars is — a civil contest. It also
illustrates a lesson that every demagogue should
lay to his heart — the inefficiency of mob-supe-
I'iority in numbers when it is op})Osed to dis-
ciplined determination. I Ijelieve that were the
expansive surface of this " fair round globe "
searched over, man to man, with "a clear stage
and no favour," as the fancy say, a Hritish
350 EUIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
battalion would be found unequalled. The island
soldier, whether he emblazon in his cap the rose,
the thistle, or the shamrock, is unmatched —
to coin a word — unmatchable — while the mob-
man is the most contemptible opponent upon
earth. We may be wrong, and undervalue the
military properties of modern reformers by draw-
ing conclusions from the past performances in
the tented field of unwashed patriots and gentle-
men who offer them their countenance and
counsel, very properly, for " a consideration ;"
but if we be in error, the page of British history
goes only to confirm it. In the elements of
a mob, cowardice and cruelty have ever pre-
ponderated, and we look on the man, no matter
whether he be lay or clerical, whether he prefix
a " Reverend " to his name, or write after it
an armigerus, to be the gravest ofi'ender against
a state, who plays upon the passions of the giddy
multitude, and evokes a storm that nothing but
the rope and deportation can allay.
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 351
THE FOREST RIDE OF A WEST INDIA
PLANTER.
I WAS scarcely fourteen, and an employe in a
mercantile house in Trinidad, when, in order
to complete the cargo of a vessel which was
about to sail for Europe, it was necessary that a
quantity of sugar should be forwarded from the
interior of the island to the port, and that, too,
with the least possible delay. When this
intelligence was communicated to ]\lr. ,
evening was setting in, the sky was dark
and threatening, and a sudden change of tem-
perature, added to other well-known intimations
of a coming hurricane, discouraged the two senior
clerks from undertaking what, they very pro-
perly considered, would prove a disagreeable
mission. Aware of my equestrian propensities,
and as a last resource, ^Ir. pro})OSed the
duty, and the use of a black cob, to me. The
352 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
overture jumped with my humour, as Dr.
Ollapod says — if I did not embrace him, I did
his offer— and reckless both of sounds and signs,
which too surely foreboded a coming tempest, in
a few minutes I was settled on the pig-skin, and
also upon the back of as intractable a quadruped
as ever had been dispatched on a sugar-hunting
expedition in Trinidad on the eve of a hur-
ricane.
Jumbo, as my black charger was named,
seemed anything but well inclined for the even-
ing's excursion. With him, "coming events
threw their shadows before," — and, hke gentle-
men who in old times, en route to Tyburn, and
when regularly settled
"in cart.
Very often took leave, but seem'd slow to depart,"
it was only by the smart application of a rattan,
and heels unprovided with iron, that I did
overcome his objection to the road. We started
— he, evidently, in any mood but a contented
one, and I, in full anticipation of a pleasurable
excursion.
Mr. Murphy, whose memory will exist so long
as almanacs remain, never detected a gathering
tornado with half the precision that Jumbo
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 353
evinced on this momentous evening. Wisdom
crietli in the streets in vain, and in the woods of
Trinidad her warnings are even less attended to.
Affrighted birds cleft the air on hurried wing;
cattle bellowed and hastened from field to shed
and stable ; from sugar-cane and coffee-planta-
tions, the negroes retreated in double quick ;
window and shutter were closed jealously ; and
every hut and house we passed, showed note of
preparation to encounter the elemental war ;
but still, on we went.
As Jumbo and I neared an extensive wood,
down came the night w^th startling rapidity, —
for twilight, apparently but a span's length, only
divided the day from " murky midnight." The
stars seemed discarded from the sky; deep,
deep daikness set in ; the moaning wind changed
to furious and frequent gusts ; for heaven's flood-
gates seemed actually to have expanded, and the
rain came down not in showery successions, but
barrels-full. The thunder that had for some
time muttered in the distance, rapidly drew
closer, until at last it seemed to have collected its
whole fury for a concentrated volley, and tliat
directly over head.
If the rider's skin had been Mackiiitoshed, its
waterproof qualities on this occasion wouhl have
354 ERIN-GO-BRA GH ; OR,
been, as I verily believe, found v^^anting. A
night, dark as Erebus, was thus superadded to
the intricacies of a forest scarcely passable even
at noon-tide. Vision, when strained, could not
reach beyond a horse's length, and the forlorn
hope of proceeding or retreating became a toss
up. Had we abided by that chance, the vivid
lightning would have told correctly the decision
of the dollar. Jumbo, as I believe, took the
wiser of the alternatives, and like young Rapid
in the play, made his mind up to push on and
keep moving, and on he went, voice, hand,
and heel of mine affording him neither assist-
ance nor encouragement.
As we progressed at Mazeppa speed, the
character of the evening became more alarming,
or — (and we shall best describe it by the term)
— awful. The tallest and toughest trees bent
like canes beneath the storm, and the lighter
ones Avere uprooted altogether. On came the
thunder closer and closer still, until it burst
directly overhead in one tremendous and con-
tinued roar, which might have been supposed
to herald the dissolution of a world. On the
animal creation the effect was terrific. Birds,
apparently bewildered, flew here and there,
uttering discordant screams ; beasts, small and
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. ' 355
large, wild and domesticated, ran madly through
the forest ; innumerable monkeys mowed and
chattered from the crashing branches upon
which they had perched themselves ; the owls
hooted, the vampire-bats shrieked hideously, the
serpents' hissing could be heard distinctly, and
howdings and bello wings, and noises indescrib-
ably demoniac, left it doubtful whether the
denizens of the lower world had not been
indulged on this dreadful night with an infernal
saturnalia, and had selected this forest for the
nonce.
In the interval between the livid flashes that
Hghted up the dense woods, the darkness became
deeper and more impenetrable. Poor Jumbo
appeared to have heard of the demoniac attempt
made upon the tail of Tarn O'Shanter's mare,
and in fear and terror that an onslaught would
be made upon himself, and his own rear might
thus undergo a fiendish visitation, he took to
strong running as a last security, and, heedless
of the murky darkness, which by contrast
seemed deeper and deeper after every lightning
flash, plunged forward as if he felt the foul
fiend already pulHng at his tail. With difficulty
I kept my seat — and indeed a Roscommon
steeple -chase-rider could do no more. Jumbo
356 ERIN-GO-BRAGH ; OR,
was hard-mouthed in his uiiexcited moments,
but to get a pull at hiin as matters stood at
present, would have been about as practicable as
to uproot a milestone with a pocket handkerchief.
At last we cleared the wood, and falsified the
proverb, for we were not yet authorized to
halloo. Trees, on a runaway horse, are a
tarnation nuisance in the dark, but a couple
of swollen rivers are also ugly experiments —
and in my mind it is a toss-up between wood
and water after all.
Like the final crash of the overture to a
fashionable melodrama, the elements had
husbanded their strength for a last grand efi'ort.
The wind blew, not caring for bursting cheeks ;
the thunder retained its concentrated force for a
fine wind-up in a parting volley, while half-a-
dozen clouds, which had prudently retained their
aqueous treasures, showered them simultaneously
on the earth beneath. I never emulated or
enacted a young gentleman called Lochinvar,
who
" Swam the Esk river where ford there was none ;"
I never attempted the passage of the Dardanelles,
like Lord Byron ; but if crossing a couple of
South American rivers in high flood, with the
IRISH LIFE PICTURES. 357
grand accompaniment of an elemental uproar, —
if these should entitle me to the first honours in
horsemanship and natation, I hold myself equal
to cither Lcander or Lochinvar, and but for
personal diffidence (a fault of mine), as good
touching performances as the twain united.
I reached my destination (the plantation), and
the kindness of the overseer was only equalled
by his astonishment. He first inquired touch-
ing my sanity ; presumed that my hfc was
insured ; ordered a rum-bath, dry clothing, hot
supper, and punch that would have scattered
Father Mathew's self-denial to smithereens ; and
then I had such a sleep afterwards ! that was,
indeed, a wind-up to a night, which even
"A child might understand
The de'il had business on his hand."
A West-Indian planter is always a man of
feeling — and next morning (the storm having
totally ab;itcd) Mr. , my employer, sent
two or three negroes to recover my corpse, were
that possible, and have my remains decently
interred. Dear good man ! he generously
presented me with a couple of dollars on my
return, and hinted, that in half a dozen years
perhaps he would add some ten pounds to
358 ERIN-GO-BRAGH.
my salary, if the demand for sugar became
brisker. That promise was not realised — for in
six weeks he was food for land-crabs. He died
intestate — and being Scotch, the claimants to
represent him were legion in number, and
extended even to the third and fourth generation.
Law proceedings in property cases are conducted
with great caution — and Mr. Sergeant Round-
about has given a decided and satisfactory
opinion, that the Thelluston estates, and the
assets of Mr. Mungo Mactavish, will receive their
final adjudication (the year not specified) very
probably upon the same day.
END or VOL. I.
(^3
1P2/^/
LONDON :
Printed by A. Schulze, 13, Poland Street.
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