9f
 
 THE 
 
 WORKS AND LIFE 
 
 OF 
 
 LAURENCE STERNE.
 
 YORK EDITION. 
 
 The Coxwold Issue of the LIFE and WORKS of 
 LAURENCE STERNE, printed at The Westminster Press, 
 New York, is limited to Two Hundred and Fifty Sets, 
 of which this is Set No...ttA
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 GENTLEMAN 
 
 BY 
 
 LAURENCE STERNE 
 
 WITH AN INTRODUCTION 
 BY 
 
 WILBUR L. CROSS 
 
 IN FOUR VOLUMES 
 
 VOLUME IV 
 J. F. TAYLOR & COMPANY 
 
 NEW YORK
 
 Copyright 19O4, by 
 J. F. TAYLOR & COMPANY 
 
 NEW YORK 
 THE WESTMINSTER PRESS
 
 Stack 
 Annex 
 
 S"
 
 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 VOLUME IV. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 The Widow Wadman and Uncle Toby (Page 181). . .Frontispiece 
 He look'd up pensive in my face .................... 85 
 
 VIVA LA JOIA ! jjj 
 
 FIDOK LA TRISTESSA ! ' ' 
 
 THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND His SEVEN 
 
 CASTLES ........................................... 151 
 
 " Let us just stop a moment," quoth my father ........ 243
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, 
 GENTLEMAN. 
 
 Nan enim excursus hie ejus, sed opus ipsum st, 
 
 PLIK. Lib. quintus Epistola sexta.
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT. 
 BOOK VII. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 NO 1 think, I said, I would write two 
 volumes every year, provided the vile 
 cough which then tormented me, and 
 which to this hour I dread worse than the 
 devil, would but give me leave and in an- 
 other place (but where, I can't recollect 
 now) speaking of my book as a machine, and 
 laying my pen and ruler down cross-wise 
 upon the table, in order to gain the greater 
 credit to it I swore it should be kept 
 a going at that rate these forty years, if it
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 pleased but the fountain of life to bless me 
 so long with health and good spirits. 
 
 Now as for my spirits, little have I to lay 
 to their charge nay so very little (unless 
 the mounting me upon a long stick, and 
 playing the fool with me nineteen hours out 
 of the twenty-four, be accusations) that on 
 the contrary, I have much much to thank 
 'em for: cheerily have ye made me tread 
 the path of life with all the burthens of it 
 (except its cares) upon my back; in no one 
 moment of my existence, that I remember, 
 have ye once deserted me, or tinged the 
 objects which came in my way, either with 
 sable, or with a sickly green; in dangers ye 
 gilded my horizon with hope, and when 
 DEATH himself knocked at my door ye 
 bad him come again; and in so gay a tone 
 of careless indifference, did ye do it, that he 
 doubted of his commission 
 
 ' * There must certainly be some mistake 
 in this matter," quoth he. 
 
 Now there is nothing in this world I 
 abominate worse, than to be interrupted in 
 
 a story and I was that moment telling 
 
 Eugenius a most tawdry one in my way, of 
 a nun who fancied herself a shell-fish, and
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 of a monk damn'd for eating a muscle, and 
 was shewing him the grounds and justice of 
 the procedure 
 
 " Did ever so grave a personage get 
 into so vile a scrape?" quoth Death. Thou 
 hast had a narrow escape, Tristram, said 
 Eugenius, taking hold of my hand as I 
 finished my story 
 
 But there is no living, Eugenius, replied 
 I, at this rate; for as this son of a whore 
 has found out my lodgings 
 
 You call him rightly, said Eugenius, 
 for by sin, we are told, he enter 'd the 
 
 world 1 care not which way he enter'd, 
 
 quoth I, provided he be not in such a hurry 
 to take me out with him for 1 have forty 
 volumes to write, and forty thousand things 
 to say and do, which no body in the world 
 will say and do for me, except thyself; and 
 as thou seest he has got me by the throat 
 (for Eugenius could scarce hear me speak 
 across the table), and that I am no match 
 for him in the open field, had I not better, 
 whilst these few scatter 'd spirits remain, and 
 these two spider legs of mine (holding one 
 of them up to him) are able to support me 
 had I not better, Eugeniiis, fly for my
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 life? 'Tis my advice, my dear Tristram, 
 said Eugenius Then by heaven! I will lead 
 
 him a dance he little thinks of for I will 
 
 gallop, quoth I, without looking once behind 
 me, to the banks of the Garonne; and if 
 
 I hear him clattering at my heels I'll 
 
 scamper away to mount Vesuvius from 
 
 thence to Joppa, and from Joppa to the 
 world's end ; where, if he follows me, I 
 
 pray God he may break his neck 
 
 He runs more risk there, said Eugenius, 
 than thou. 
 
 Eugenius 's wit and affection brought blood 
 into the cheek from whence it had been some 
 
 months banish'd 'twas a vile moment to 
 
 bid adieu in; he led me to my chaise 
 
 A lions! said I; the postboy gave a crack 
 
 with his whip off I went like a cannon, 
 
 and in half a dozen bounds got into Dover.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 NOW hang it! quoth I, as I look'd to- 
 wards the French coast a man should 
 know something of his own country 
 
 too, before he goes abroad and I never 
 
 gave a peep into Rochester church, or took 
 notice of the dock of Chatham, or visited 
 St Thomas at Canterbury, though they all 
 three laid in my way 
 
 But mine, indeed, is a particular 
 case 
 
 So without arguing the matter further 
 with Thomas o' Becket, or any one else I 
 skip'd into the boat, and in five minutes we 
 got under sail, and scudded away like the 
 wind. 
 
 Pray, captain, quoth I, as I was going 
 down into the cabin, is a man never over- 
 taken by Death in this passage? 
 
 Why, there is not time for a man to be 
 
 sick in it, replied he What a cursed lyarl 
 
 for I am sick as a horse, quoth I, already 
 what a brain! upside down! hey-
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 day! the cells are broke loose one into an- 
 other, and the blood, and the lymph, and 
 the nervous juices, with the fix'd and vola- 
 tile salts, are all jumbled into one mass 
 
 good G ! every thing turns round in it 
 
 like a thousand whirlpools I'd give a 
 
 shilling to know if I shan't write the clearer 
 for it 
 
 Sick! sick! sick! sick! 
 
 When shall we get to land? captain 
 
 they have hearts like stones O I am 
 
 deadly sick! reach me that thing, boy 
 
 'tis the most discomfiting sickness 1 
 
 wish I was at the bottom Madam! how is 
 
 it with you? Undone! undone! un O! 
 
 undone! sir What the first time? No, 
 
 'tis the second, third, sixth, tenth time, sir, 
 
 hey-day! what a trampling over head! 
 
 hollo! cabin boy! what's the matter? 
 
 The wind chopp'd about! s' Death! then 
 I shall meet him full in the face. 
 
 What luck! 'tis chopp'd about again, 
 master O the devil chop it 
 
 Captain, quoth she, for heaven's sake, let 
 us get ashore. 
 
 10
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 IT is a great inconvenience to a man in a 
 haste, that there are three distinct roads 
 between Calais and Paris, in behalf of 
 which there is so much to be said by the 
 several deputies from the towns which lie 
 along them, that half a day is easily lost in 
 settling which you'll take. 
 
 First, the road by Lisle and Arras, which 
 
 is the most about but most interesting, 
 
 and instructing. 
 
 The second that by Amiens, which you 
 may go, if you would see Chantilly 
 
 And that by Beauvais, which you may go, 
 if you will. 
 
 For this reason a great many chuse to go 
 by Beauvais. 
 
 11
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 OW before I quit Calais," a travel- 
 writer would say, "it would not be 
 amiss to give some account of it." 
 Now I think it very much amiss that a 
 man cannot go quietly through a town, and 
 let it alone, when it does not meddle with 
 him, but that he must be turning about and 
 drawing his pen at every kennel he crosses 
 over, merely, o' my conscience, for the sake 
 of drawing it; because, if we may judge 
 from what has been wrote of these things, 
 by all who have wrote and galloped or who 
 have galloped and wrote, which is a different 
 way still; or who for more expedition than 
 the rest, have wrote galloping, which is the 
 
 way I do at present from the great Ad- 
 
 dison, who did it with his satchel of school 
 books hanging at his a , and galling his 
 beast's crupper at every stroke there is 
 not a gallopper of us all who might not 
 have gone on ambling quietly in his own
 
 ground (in case he had any), and have 
 wrote all he had to write, dryshod, as well 
 as not. 
 
 For my own part, as heaven is my judge, 
 and to which I shall ever make my last ap- 
 peal I know no more of Calais (except the 
 little my barber told me of it, as he was 
 whetting his razor), than 1 do this moment 
 of Grand Cairo; for it was dusky in the 
 evening when I landed, and dark as pitch 
 in the morning when I set out, and yet by 
 merely knowing what is what, and by draw- 
 ing this from that in one part of the town, 
 and by spelling and putting this and that 
 together in another I would lay any travel- 
 ling odds, that I this moment write a chap- 
 ter upon Calais as long as my arm; and 
 with so distinct and satisfactory a detail of 
 every item, which is worth a stranger's cu- 
 riosity in the town that you would take 
 me for the town-clerk of Calais itself and 
 where, sir, would be the wonder? was not 
 Democritus, who laughed ten times more 
 than I town-clerk of Abdera? and was not 
 (I forget his name) who had more discretion 
 
 than us both, town-clerk of Ephesus ? 
 
 it should be penn'd moreover, sir, with so 
 
 is
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 much knowledge and good sense, and truth, 
 
 and precision 
 
 Nay if you don't believe me, you may 
 read the chapter for your pains. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 CALAIS, Calatium, Calusium, Calesium. 
 This town, if we may trust its archives, 
 the authority of which I see no reason to 
 call in question in this place was once no 
 more than a small village belonging to one 
 of the first Counts de Guignes; and as it 
 boasts at present of no less than fourteen 
 thousand inhabitants, exclusive of four hun- 
 dred and twenty distinct families in the basse 
 
 ville, or suburbs it must have grown up 
 
 by little and little, I suppose, to its present 
 size. 
 
 Though there are four convents, there is 
 but one parochial church in the whole town; 
 I had not an opportunity of taking its exact 
 dimensions, but it is pretty easy to make a 
 tolerable conjecture of 'em for as there are 
 
 14
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 fourteen thousand inhabitants in the town, 
 if the church holds them all, it must be 
 considerably large and if it will not 'tis a 
 very great pity they have not another it is 
 built in form of a cross, and dedicated to 
 the Virgin Mary; the steeple, which has a 
 spire to it, is placed in the middle of the 
 church, and stands upon four pillars elegant 
 and light enough, but sufficiently strong at 
 the same time it is decorated with eleven 
 altars, most of which are rather fine than 
 beautiful. The great altar is a masterpiece 
 in its kind; 'tis of white marble, and as I 
 was told near sixty feet high had it been 
 much higher, it had been as high as mount 
 Calvary itself therefore, I suppose it must 
 be high enough in all conscience. 
 
 There was nothing struck me more than 
 the great Square; tho' I cannot say 'tis 
 either well paved or well built; but 'tis in 
 the heart of the town, and most of the 
 streets, especially those in that quarter, all 
 terminate in it; could there have been a 
 fountain in all Calais, which it seems there 
 cannot, as such an object would have been 
 a great ornament, it is not to be doubted, 
 but that the inhabitants would have had it 
 
 15
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 in the very centre of this square, not that 
 it is properly a square, because 'tis forty 
 feet longer from east to west, than from 
 north to south; so that the French in gen- 
 eral have more reason on their side in call- 
 ing them Places than Squares, which, strictly 
 speaking, to be sure they are not. 
 
 The town-house seems to be but a sorry 
 building, and not to be kept in the best 
 repair; otherwise it had been a second great 
 ornament to this place; it answers however 
 its destination, and serves very well for the 
 reception of the magistrates, who assemble 
 in it from time to time; so that 'tis pre- 
 sumable, justice is regularly distributed. 
 
 I have heard much of it, but there is 
 nothing at all curious in the Courgain; 'tis 
 a distinct quarter of the town, inhabited 
 solely by sailors and fishermen; it consists 
 of a number of small streets, neatly built, 
 and mostly of brick; 'tis extremely popu- 
 lous, but as that may be accounted for, 
 from the principles of their diet there is 
 nothing curious in that neither. A trav- 
 eller may see it to satisfy himself he must 
 not omit however taking notice of La Tour 
 de Guet, upon any account; 'tis so called 
 
 16
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 from its particular destination, because in 
 war it serves to discover and give notice of 
 the enemies which approach the place, either 
 
 by sea or land; but 'tis monstrous high, 
 
 and catches the eye so continually, you can- 
 not avoid taking notice of it, if you would. 
 It was a singular disappointment to me, 
 that I could not have permission to take an 
 exact survey of the fortifications, which are 
 the strongest in the world, and which, from 
 first to last, that is, from the time they were 
 set about by Philip of France, Count of 
 Boulogne, to the present war, wherein many 
 reparations were made, have cost (as I 
 learned afterwards from an engineer in Gas- 
 cony) above a hundred millions of livres. 
 It is very remarkable, that at the Tete de 
 Gravelenes, and where the town is naturally 
 the weakest, they have expended the most 
 money; so that the outworks stretch a great 
 way into the campaign, and consequently oc- 
 cupy a large tract of ground. However, after 
 all that is said and done, it must be acknowl- 
 edged that Calais was never upon any account 
 so considerable from itself, as from its situa- 
 tion, and that easy entrance which it gave 
 our ancestors, upon all occasions, into France: 
 
 IT
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 it was not without its inconveniences also; 
 being no less troublesome to the English in 
 those times, than Dunkirk has been to us, in 
 ours; so that it was deservedly looked upon 
 as the key to both kingdoms, which no doubt 
 is the reason that there have arisen so many 
 contentions who should keep it : of these, the 
 siege of Calais, or rather the blockade (for it 
 was shut up both by land and sea), was the 
 most memorable, as it withstood the efforts 
 of Edward the Third a whole year, and was 
 not terminated at last but by famine and ex- 
 treme misery ; the gallantry of Eustace de St 
 Pierre, who first offered himself a victim for 
 his fellow-citizens, has rank'd his name with 
 heroes. As it will not take up above fifty 
 pages, it would be injustice to the reader, 
 not to give him a minute account of that 
 romantic transaction, as well as of the siege 
 itself, in Rapines own words: 
 
 18
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 B 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 'UT courage! gentle reader! 1 
 
 scorn it 'tis enough to have 
 
 thee in my power but to make 
 
 use of the advantage which the fortune of 
 the pen has now gained over thee, would be 
 
 too much No ! by that all-powerful 
 
 fire which warms the visionary brain, and 
 lights the spirits through unwordly tracts! 
 ere I would force a helpless creature upon 
 this hard service, and make thee pay, poor 
 soul ! for fifty pages, which I have no right 
 
 to sell thee, naked as I am, I would 
 
 browse upon the mountains, and smile that 
 the north wind brought me neither my tent 
 or my supper. 
 
 So put on, my brave boy! and make 
 the best of thy way to Boulogne. 
 
 19
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 B' 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 OULOGNE! hah! so we are 
 
 all got together debtors and sin- 
 ners before heaven; a jolly set of us 
 but I can't stay and quaff it off with you 
 I'm pursued myself like a hundred devils, 
 and shall be overtaken, before I can well 
 
 change horses: for heaven's sake, make 
 
 haste 'Tis for high- treason, quoth a very 
 
 little man, whispering as low as he could to 
 
 a very tall man, that stood next him Or 
 
 else for murder; quoth the tall man Well 
 
 thrown, Size- ace! quoth I. No; quoth a third, 
 
 the gentleman has been committing . 
 
 Ah! ma chere file! said I, as she tripp'd 
 by, from her matins you look as rosy as 
 the morning (for the sun was rising, and it 
 made the compliment the more gracious) 
 
 No; it can't be that, quoth a fourth (she 
 
 made a curt'sy to me I kiss'd my hand) 
 'tis debt; continued he: 'Tis certainly for 
 debt; quoth a fifth; I would not pay that 
 gentleman's debts, quoth Ace, for a thou- 
 
 fO
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 sand pounds; nor would I, quoth Size, for 
 six times the sum Well thrown, Size-ace, 
 again! quoth I; but I have no debt but 
 the debt of NATURE, and I want but patience 
 of her, and I will pay her every farthing I owe 
 
 her How can you be so hard-hearted, 
 
 MADAM, to arrest a poor traveller going along 
 without molestation to any one, upon his 
 lawful occasions? do stop that death-looking, 
 long- striding scoundrel of a scare- sinner, who 
 
 is posting after me he never would have 
 
 followed me but for you if it be but for 
 
 a stage or two, just to give me start of 
 
 him, I beseech you, madam do, dear 
 
 lady 
 
 Now, hi troth, 'tis a great pity, quoth 
 
 mine Irish host, that all this good courtship 
 should be lost; for the young gentlewoman 
 has been after going out of hearing of it 
 all along. 
 
 Simpleton! quoth I. 
 
 So you have nothing else in Boulogne 
 
 worth seeing? 
 
 By Jasus! there is the finest SEMINARY 
 for the HUMANITIES 
 
 There cannot be a finer; quoth I. 
 
 fi
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 WHEN the precipitancy of a man's 
 wishes hurries on his ideas ninety 
 times faster than the vehicle he 
 rides in woe be to truth! and woe be to 
 the vehicle and its tackling (let 'em be 
 made of what stuff you will) upon which 
 he breathes forth the disappointment of his 
 soul! 
 
 As I never give general characters either 
 of men or things in choler, "the most haste, 
 the worst speed," was all the reflection I 
 made upon the affair, the first time it hap- 
 pen' d; the second, third, fourth, and fifth 
 time, I confined it respectively to those 
 times, and accordingly blamed only the sec- 
 ond, third, fourth, and fifth post-boy for it, 
 without carrying my reflections further; but 
 the event continuing to befal me from the 
 fifth, to the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, 
 and tenth time, and without one exception, 
 I then could not avoid making a national 
 reflection of it, which I do in these words; 
 
 39
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 That something is always wrong in a 
 French post-chaise, upon first setting out. 
 
 Or the proposition may stand thus: 
 
 A French postilion has always to alight 
 before he has got three hundred yards out 
 of town. 
 
 What's wrong now ? Diable ! a 
 
 rope's broke ! a knot has slipt 1 a 
 
 staple's drawn! a bolt's to whittle! 
 
 a tag, a rag, a jag, a strap, a buckle, or a 
 buckle's tongue, want altering. 
 
 Now true as all this is, I never think 
 myself impowered to excommunicate there- 
 upon either the post-chaise, or its driver 
 
 nor do I take it into my head to swear by 
 the living G , I would rather go a-foot ten 
 
 thousand times or that I will be damn'd, 
 
 if ever I get into another but I take the 
 
 matter coolly before me, and consider, that 
 some tag, or rag, or jag, or bolt, or buckle, 
 or buckle's tongue, will ever be a wanting, 
 or want altering, travel where I will so I 
 never chaff, but take the good and the bad, 
 
 as they fall in my road, and get on: Do 
 
 so, my lad! said I; he had lost five minutes 
 already, in alighting in order to get at a 
 luncheon of black bread, which he had 
 
 23
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 cramm'd into the chaise-pocket, and was 
 remounted, and going leisurely on, to relish 
 
 it the better Get on, my lad, said I, 
 
 briskly but in the most persuasive tone 
 imaginable, for I jingled a four-and-twenty 
 sous piece against the glass, taking care to 
 hold the flat side towards him, as he look'd 
 back: the dog grinn'd intelligence from his 
 right ear to his left, and behind his sooty 
 muzzle discovered such a pearly row of 
 teeth, that Sovereignty would have pawn'd 
 her jewels for them 
 
 , ( What masticators ! 
 Just heaven ! \ TXr , , , 
 
 ( What bread ! 
 
 and so, as he finished the last mouthful of 
 it, we entered the town of Montreuil. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 THERE is not a town in all France, 
 which, in my opinion, looks better in 
 
 the map, than MONTREUIL; 1 own, 
 
 it does not look so well in the book of
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 post-roads; but when you come to see it 
 to be sure it looks most pitifully. 
 
 There is one thing, however, in it at 
 present very handsome; and that is the inn- 
 keeper's daughter: She has been eighteen 
 months at Amiens, and six at Paris, in go- 
 ing through her classes; so knits, and sews, 
 and dances, and does the little coquetries 
 very well. 
 
 A slut! hi running them over within 
 these five minutes that I have stood look- 
 ing at her, she has let fall at least a dozen 
 
 loops in a white thread stocking yes, 
 
 yes I see, you cunning gipsy! 'tis long 
 and taper you need not pin it to your 
 knee and that 'tis your own and fits you 
 exactly. 
 
 That Nature should have told this 
 
 creature a word about a statue"* s thumb! 
 
 But as this sample is worth all their 
 
 thumbs besides, I have her thumbs and 
 
 fingers in at the bargain, if they can be any 
 guide to me, and as Janatone withal (for 
 that is her name) stands so well for a draw- 
 ing may I never draw more, or rather 
 
 may I draw like a draught-horse, by main 
 strength all the days of my life, if I do 
 
 95
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 not draw her in all her proportions, and with 
 as determined a pencil, as if I had her in 
 
 the wettest drapery. 
 
 But your worships chuse rather that I 
 give you the length, breadth, and perpen- 
 dicular height of the great parish-church, or 
 drawing of the facade of the abbey of Saint 
 Austreberte which has been transported from 
 Artois hither every thing is just I suppose 
 as the masons and carpenters left them, and 
 if the belief in Christ continues so long, will 
 be so these fifty years to come so your 
 worships and reverences may all measure 
 them at your leisures but he who meas- 
 ures thee, Janatone, must do it now thou 
 earnest the principles of change within thy 
 frame; and considering the chances of a 
 transitory life, I would not answer for thee 
 a moment; ere twice twelve months are 
 passed and gone, thou mayest grow out 
 
 like a pumpkin, and lose thy shapes or, 
 
 thou mayest go off like a flower, and lose 
 thy beauty nay, thou mayest go off like a 
 hussy and lose thyself. I would not an- 
 swer for my aunt Dinah, was she alive 
 
 'faith, scarce for her picture were it but 
 
 painted by Reynolds 
 
 26
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 But if I go on with my drawing, 
 after naming that son of Apollo, I'll be 
 shot 
 
 So you must e'en be content with the 
 original; which, if the evening is fine in 
 passing thro' Montreuil, you will see at 
 your chaise-door, as you change horses: but 
 unless you have as bad a reason for haste 
 
 as I have you had better stop: She has 
 
 a little of the devote: but that, sir, is a terce 
 to a nine in your favour 
 
 L help me! I could not count a single 
 point: so had been piqued, and repiqued, 
 and capotted to the devil. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 ALL which being considered, and that 
 Death moreover might be much 
 
 nearer me than I imagined 1 
 
 wish I was at Abbeville, quoth I, were it 
 
 only to see how they card and spin so 
 
 off we set. 
 
 27
 
 *de Montreuil a Nampont-poste et demi 
 
 de Nampont a Bernay poste 
 
 de Bernay a Nouvion poste 
 
 de Nouvion a ABBEVILLE - poste 
 
 but the carders and spinners were all 
 
 gone to bed. 
 
 CHAPTER XT. 
 
 WHAT a vast advantage is travelling! 
 only it heats one; but there is a 
 remedy for that, which you may 
 pick out of the next chapter. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 WAS I in a condition to stipulate with 
 Death, as I am this moment with 
 my apothecary, how and where I 
 
 will take his clyster 1 should certainly 
 
 declare against submitting to it before my 
 
 * Vid. Book of French post-roads, page 36, edition of 1762. 
 
 90
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 friends; and therefore I never seriously think 
 upon the mode and manner of this great 
 catastrophe, which generally takes up and 
 torments my thoughts as much as the ca- 
 tastrophe itself, but I constantly draw the 
 curtain across it with this wish, that the 
 Disposer of all things may so order it, that 
 
 it happen not to me in my own house 
 
 but rather in some decent inn at home, 
 
 I know it, the concern of my friends, 
 
 and the last services of wiping my brows, 
 and smoothing my pillow, which the quiver- 
 ing hand of pale affection shall pay me, will 
 so crucify my soul, that I shall die of a 
 distemper which my physician is not aware 
 of: but in an inn, the few cold offices I 
 wanted, would be purchased with a few 
 guineas, and paid me with an undisturbed, 
 
 but punctual attention but mark. This 
 
 inn should not be the inn at Abbeville 
 
 if there was not another inn in the uni- 
 verse, I would strike that inn out of the 
 capitulation: so 
 
 Let the horses be in the chaise exactly 
 
 by four in the morning Yes, by four, 
 
 Sir, or by Genevievef I'll raise a clatter 
 
 in the house, shall wake the dead.
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 " TV TAKE them like unto a wheel," is a 
 JLVJ. bitter sarcasm, as all the learned 
 know, against the grand tour, 
 and that restless spirit for making it, which 
 David prophetically foresaw would haunt 
 the children of men in the latter days; and 
 therefore, as thinketh the great bishop Hall, 
 'tis one of the severest imprecations which 
 David ever utter' d against the enemies of 
 the Lord and, as if he had said, ' ' I wish 
 them no worse luck than always to be roll- 
 ing about" So much motion, continues he 
 (for he was very corpulent) is so much un- 
 quietness; and so much of rest, by the same 
 analogy, is so much of heaven. 
 
 Now, I (being very thin) think differently ; 
 and that so much of motion, is so much of 
 
 life, and so much of joy and that to 
 
 stand still, or get on but slowly, is death 
 
 and the devil 
 
 Hollo! Ho! the whole world's asleep! 
 
 bring out the horses grease the 
 
 so
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 wheels tie on the mail and drive a 
 
 nail into that moulding I'll not lose a 
 
 moment 
 
 Now the wheel we are talking of, and 
 whereinto (but not whereonto, for that would 
 make an Ixion's wheel of it) he curseth his 
 enemies, according to the bishop's habit of 
 body, should certainly be a post-chaise wheel, 
 whether they were set up in Palestine at that 
 time or not and my wheel, for the con- 
 trary reasons, must as certainly be a cart- 
 wheel groaning round its revolution once in 
 an age; and of which sort, were I to turn 
 commentator, I should make no scruple to 
 affirm, they had great store in that hilly 
 country. 
 
 I love the Pythagoreans (much more than 
 ever I dare tell my dear Jenny) for their 
 "Xatpia-fjibv cnro rov 2o>/<iaT09, e& TO /ca\a>? <f)i\oa-o<f)lv" 
 [their] "getting out of the body, in or- 
 der to think well." No man thinks right, 
 whilst he is in it; blinded as he must be, 
 with his congenial humours, and drawn dif- 
 ferently aside, as the bishop and myself have 
 
 been, with too lax or too tense a fibre 
 
 REASON is, half of it, SENSE; and the 
 measure of heaven itself is but the meas- 
 
 si
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ure of our present appetites and concoc- 
 tions 
 
 But which of the two, in the present 
 
 case, do you think to be mostly in the 
 
 wrong? 
 
 You, certainly: quoth she, to disturb a 
 whole family so early. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 But she did not know I was under 
 
 a vow not to shave my beard, till I got to 
 
 Paris; yet I hate to make mysteries of 
 
 nothing; 'tis the cold cautiousness of one 
 
 of those little souls from which Lessius (lib. 
 13. de moribus divinis, cap. 24.) hath made 
 his estimate, wherein he setteth forth, That 
 one Dutch mile, cubically multiplied, will 
 allow room enough, and to spare, for eight 
 hundred thousand millions, which he sup- 
 poses to be as great a number of souls 
 (counting from the fall of Adam) as can 
 possibly be damn'd to the end of the world.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 From what he has made this second esti- 
 mate unless from the parental goodness 
 
 of God I don't know I am much more 
 at a loss what could be in Franciscus Rib- 
 bera's head, who pretends that no less a 
 space than one of two hundred Italian miles 
 multiplied into itself, will be sufficient to 
 
 hold the like number he certainly must 
 
 have gone upon some of the old Roman 
 souls, of which he had read, without reflect- 
 ing how much, by a gradual and most tabid 
 decline, in the course of eighteen hundred 
 years, they must unavoidably have shrunk, 
 so as to have come, when he wrote, almost 
 to nothing. 
 
 In Lessius's time, who seems the cooler 
 man, they were as little as can be imag- 
 ined 
 
 We find them less now 
 
 And next winter we shall find them less 
 again; so that if we go on from little to 
 less, and from less to nothing, I hesitate 
 not one moment to affirm, that in half a 
 century, at this rate, we shall have no souls 
 at all; which being the period beyond which 
 I doubt likewise of the existence of the 
 Christian faith, 'twill be one advantage, 
 
 S3
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 that both of 'em will be exactly worn out 
 together. 
 
 Blessed Jupiter! and blessed every other 
 heathen god and goddess! for now ye will 
 all come into play again, and with Priapus 
 
 at your tails what jovial times! but 
 
 where am I ? and into what a delicious riot 
 
 of things am I rushing? I 1 who must 
 
 be cut short in the midst of my days, and 
 taste no more of 'em than what I borrow 
 from my imagination peace to thee, gen- 
 erous fool! and let me go on. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 "So hating, I say, to make mys- 
 teries of nothing'" 1 intrusted it with 
 
 the post-boy, as soon as ever I got off the 
 stones; he gave a crack with his whip, to 
 balance the compliment; and with the thill- 
 horse trotting, and a sort of an up and a 
 down of the other, we danced it along to 
 Ailly au dockers, famed in days of yore for 
 the finest chimes in the world; but we 
 
 Si
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 danced through it without music the 
 chimes being greatly out of order (as in 
 truth they were through all France.) 
 And so making all possible speed, from 
 Ailly au dockers, I got to Hixcourt, 
 from Hixcourt, I got to Pequignay, and 
 from Pequignay, I got to AMIENS, 
 concerning which town I have nothing to 
 inform you, but what I have informed you 
 
 once before and that was that Janatone 
 
 went there to school. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 IN the whole catalogue of those whiffling 
 vexations which come puffing across a 
 man's canvass, there is not one of a 
 more teasing and tormenting nature, than 
 this particular one which I am going to de- 
 scribe and for which (unless you travel 
 
 with an avance- courier, which numbers do 
 
 in order to prevent it) there is no help: 
 
 and it is this. 
 
 That be you in never so kindly a pro- 
 
 35
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 pensity to sleep tho' you are passing 
 
 perhaps through the finest country upon 
 the best roads, and in the easiest car- 
 riage for doing it in the world nay, was 
 
 you sure you could sleep fifty miles straight 
 forwards, without once opening your eyes 
 nay, what is more, was you as demonstra- 
 tively satisfied as you can be of any truth 
 in Euclid, that you should upon all accounts 
 be full as well asleep as awake nay, per- 
 haps better -Yet the incessant returns of 
 
 paying for the horses at every stage, 
 
 with the necessity thereupon of putting 
 your hand into your pocket, and counting 
 out from thence three livres fifteen sous 
 (sous by sous), puts an end to so much of 
 the project, that you cannot execute above 
 six miles of it (or supposing it is a post 
 
 and a half, that is but nine) were it to 
 
 save your soul from destruction. 
 
 I'll be even with 'em, quoth I, for I'll 
 put the precise sum into a piece of paper, 
 and hold it ready in my hand all the way: 
 "Now I shall have nothing to do," said I 
 (composing myself to rest), ' ' but to drop 
 this gently into the post-boy's hat, and not 
 say a word." Then there wants two sous
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 more to drink or there is a twelve sous 
 
 piece of Louis XIV. which will not pass or 
 a livre and some odd liards to be brought 
 over from the last stage, which Monsieur 
 had forgot; which altercations (as a man 
 cannot dispute very well asleep) rouse him: 
 still is sweet sleep retrievable; and still 
 might the flesh weigh down the spirit, and 
 recover itself of these blows but then, by 
 heaven 1 you have paid but for a single post 
 whereas 'tis a post and a half; and this 
 obliges you to pull out your book of post- 
 roads, the print of which is so very small, 
 it forces you to open your eyes, whether 
 you will or no: Then Monsieur le Cure 
 offers you a pinch of snuff or a poor sol- 
 dier shews you his leg or a shaveling his 
 
 box or the priestess of the cistern will 
 
 water your wheels they do not want it 
 
 but she swears by her priesthood (throw- 
 ing it back) that they do : then you have 
 
 all these points to argue, or consider over 
 in your mind; in doing of which, the 
 rational powers get so thoroughly awakened 
 
 you may get 'em to sleep again as you 
 
 can. 
 
 It was entirely owing to one of these 
 
 sr
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 misfortunes, or I had pass'd clean by the 
 stables of Chantilly 
 
 But the postilion first affirming, and 
 
 then persisting in it to my face, that there 
 was no mark upon the two sous piece, I 
 open'd my eyes to be convinced and see- 
 ing the mark upon it as plain as my nose 
 I leap'd out of the chaise in a passion, and 
 
 so saw every thing at Chantilly in spite. 
 
 I tried it but for three posts and a half, 
 but believe 'tis the best principle in the 
 world to travel speedily upon; for as few 
 objects look very inviting in that mood 
 you have little or nothing to stop you; by 
 which means it was that I passed through 
 St Dennis, without turning my head so much 
 as on one side towards the Abby 
 
 Richness of their treasury! stuff and 
 
 nonsense! bating their jewels, which are 
 
 all false, I would not give three sous for 
 
 any one thing in it, but Jaidas's lantern 
 
 nor for that either, only as it grows dark, it 
 might be of use.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 , crack crack, crack crack, 
 
 crack so this is Paris! quoth I 
 
 (continuing in the same mood) and 
 
 this is Paris! humph! Paris! cried I, 
 
 repeating the name the third time 
 
 The first, the finest, the most brilliant 
 
 The streets however are nasty. 
 
 But it looks, I suppose, better than it 
 
 smells crack, crack crack, crack 
 
 what a fuss thou makest! as if it con- 
 cerned the good people to be informed, 
 that a man with pale face, and clad in 
 black, had the honour to be driven into 
 Paris at nine o'clock at night, by a pos- 
 tilion in a tawny yellow jerkin, turned 
 
 up with red calamanco crack, crack 
 
 crack, crack crack, crack, 1 wish thy 
 
 whip 
 
 But 'tis the spirit of thy nation; so 
 
 crack crack on. 
 
 Ha! and no one gives the wall! 
 
 but in the SCHOOL of URBANITY herself, if 
 
 39
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the walls are besh-t how can you do 
 otherwise ? 
 
 And prithee when do they light the 
 lamps ? What ? never in the summer 
 
 months! Ho! 'tis the time of sallads. 
 
 O rare! sallad and soup soup and sal- 
 lad sallad and soup, encore 
 
 Tis too much for sinners. 
 
 Now I cannot bear the barbarity of it; 
 how can that unconscionable coachman talk 
 so much bawdy to that lean horse? don't 
 you see, friend, the streets are so villain- 
 ously narrow, that there is not room in all 
 Paris to turn a wheelbarrow ? In the 
 grandest city of the whole world, it would 
 not have been amiss, if they had been left a 
 thought wider; nay, were it only so much 
 in every single street, as that a man might 
 know (was it only for satisfaction) on which 
 side of it he was walking. 
 
 One two three four five six seven 
 eight nine ten. Ten cook's shops ! and 
 twice the number of barbers! and all within 
 three minutes driving! one would think that 
 all the cooks in the world, on some great 
 merry-meeting with the barbers, by joint 
 consent had said Come, let us all go live 
 
 40
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 at Paris: the French love good eating 
 
 they are all gourmands we shall rank 
 
 high; if their god is their belly their 
 
 cooks must be gentlemen : and forasmuch 
 as the periwig maketh the man, and the 
 periwig-maker maketh the periwig ergo, 
 would the barbers say, we shall rank higher 
 still we shall be above you all we shall 
 be * Capitouls at least pardif we shall all 
 
 wear swords 
 
 And so, one would swear (that is by 
 candle light, but there is no depending 
 upon it) they continue to do, to this day. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 'TVHE French are certainly misunder- 
 
 A stood: but whether the fault is 
 
 theirs, in not sufficiently explaining 
 themselves ; or speaking with that exact 
 limitation and precision which one would 
 expect on a point of such importance, and 
 
 * Chief Magistrate in Toulouse, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 41
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 which, moreover, is so likely to be con- 
 tested by us or whether the fault may 
 
 not be altogether on our side, in not un- 
 derstanding their language always so critic- 
 ally as to know "what they would be at" 
 
 1 shall not decide; but 'tis evident to 
 
 me, when they affirm, "That they who have 
 seen Paris, have seen every thing," they must 
 mean to speak of those who have seen it by 
 day-light. 
 
 As for candle-light I give it up 1 
 
 have said before, there was no depending 
 upon it and I repeat it again; but not be- 
 cause the lights and shades are too sharp 
 or the tints confounded or that there is 
 neither beauty or keeping, &c. ... for 
 that's not truth but it is an uncertain light 
 in this respect, That in all the five hundred 
 grand Hotels, which they number up to 
 you in Paris and the five hundred good 
 things, at a modest computation (for 'tis 
 only allowing one good thing to a Hotel), 
 which by candle-light are best to be seen, 
 felt, heard, and understood (which, by the 
 
 bye, is a quotation from Lilly) the devil 
 
 a one of us out of fifty, can get our heads 
 fairly thrust in amongst them. 
 
 4,9
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 This is no part of the French computa- 
 tion: 'tis simply this, 
 
 That by the last survey, taken in the 
 year one thousand seven hundred and six- 
 teen, since which time there have been con- 
 siderable augmentations, Paris doth contain 
 nine hundred streets; (viz.) 
 In the quarter called the City there are 
 
 fifty-three streets. 
 
 In St James of the Shambles, fifty-five streets. 
 In St Oportune, thirty- four streets. 
 In the quarter of the Louvre, twenty-five 
 
 streets. 
 
 In the Palace Royal, or St Honorius, forty- 
 nine streets. 
 
 In Mont. Martyr, forty-one streets. 
 In St Eustace, twenty-nine streets. 
 In the Halles, twenty-seven streets. 
 In St Dennis, fifty-five streets. 
 In St Martin, fifty-four streets. 
 In St Paul, or the Mortellerie, twenty-seven 
 
 streets. 
 
 The Greve, thirty-eight streets. 
 In St Avoy, or the Verrerie, nineteen 
 
 streets. 
 In the Marais, or the Temple, fifty- two 
 
 streets. 
 
 43
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 In St Antony's, sixty-eight streets. 
 In the Place Maubert, eighty-one streets. 
 In St Bennet, sixty streets. 
 In St Andrews de Arcs, fifty-one streets. 
 In the quarter of the Luxembourg, sixty- 
 two streets. 
 
 And in that of St Germain, fifty-five streets, 
 into any of which you may walk; and that 
 when you have seen them with all that 
 belongs to them, fairly by day-light their 
 gates, their bridges, their squares, their 
 
 statues and have crusaded it moreover 
 
 through all their parish-churches, by no means 
 
 omitting St Roche and Sulpice and to 
 
 crown all, have taken a walk to the four pal- 
 aces, which you may see, either with or without 
 the statues and pictures, just as you chuse 
 
 Then you will have seen 
 
 but, 'tis what no one needeth to tell 
 
 you, for you will read of it yourself upon 
 the portico of the Louvre, in these words, 
 
 * EARTH NO SUCH FOLKS ! NO FOLKS E'ER 
 
 SUCH A TOWN 
 AS PARIS IS! SING, DERRY, DERRY, DOWN. 
 
 * Non orbis gentem, non urbem gens habet ullam 
 ulla parem. 
 
 44
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 The French have a gay way of treating 
 every thing that is Great; and that is all 
 can be said upon it. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 IN mentioning the word gay (as in the 
 close of the last chapter) it puts one 
 (i.e. an author) in mind of the word 
 
 spleen especially if he has anything to 
 
 say upon it: not that by any analysis or 
 that from any table of interest or genealogy, 
 there appears much more ground of alliance 
 betwixt them, than betwixt light and dark- 
 ness, or any two of the most unfriendly 
 
 opposites in nature only 'tis an under- 
 
 craft of authors to keep up a good under- 
 standing amongst words, as politicians do 
 amongst men not knowing how near they 
 may be under a necessity of placing them 
 
 to each other which point being now 
 
 gain'd, and that I may place mine exactly 
 to my mind, I write it down here
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 SPLEEN. 
 
 This, upon leaving Chantilly, I declared to 
 be the best principle in the world to travel 
 speedily upon; but I gave it only as matter 
 of opinion. I still continue in the same 
 sentiments only I had not then experience 
 enough of its working to add this, that 
 though you do get on at a tearing rate, 
 yet you get on but uneasily to yourself at 
 the same time; for which reason I here quit 
 it entirely, and for ever, and 'tis heartily at 
 any one's service it has spoiled me the 
 digestion of a good supper, and brought on 
 a bilious diarrhoea, which has brought me 
 back again to my first principle on which 
 
 I set out and with which I shall now 
 
 scamper it away to the banks of the 
 Garonne 
 
 No; 1 cannot stop a moment to 
 
 give you the character of the people their 
 
 genius their manners their customs 
 
 their laws their religion their govern- 
 ment their manufactures their commerce 
 their finances, with all the resources and 
 
 46
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 hidden springs which sustain them: qualified 
 as I may be, by spending three days and 
 two nights amongst them, and during all 
 that time making these things the entire 
 subject of my enquiries and reflections 
 
 Still still I must away the roads are 
 
 paved the posts are short the days are 
 long 'tis no more than noon I shall be 
 at Fontainbleau before the king 
 
 Was he going there ? not that I 
 know 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 NOW I hate to hear a person, especially 
 if he be a traveller, complain that we 
 do not get on so fast in France as 
 we do in England; whereas we get on 
 much faster, consider atis consider andis ; 
 thereby always meaning, that if you weigh 
 their vehicles with the mountains of bag- 
 gage which you lay both before and behind 
 upon them and then consider their puny 
 horses, with the very little they give them 
 'tis a wonder they get on at all: their 
 
 47
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 suffering is most unchristian, and 'tis evi- 
 dent thereupon to me, that a French post- 
 horse would not know what in the world 
 to do, was it not for the two words ****** 
 and ****** in which there is as much sus- 
 tenance, as if you gave him a peck of corn: 
 now as these words cost nothing, I long 
 from my soul to tell the reader what they 
 are ; but here is the question they must 
 be told him plainly, and with the most dis- 
 tinct articulation, or it will answer no end 
 and yet to do it in that plain way though 
 their reverences may laugh at it in the bed- 
 chamber full well I wot, they will abuse 
 it in the parlour: for which cause, I have 
 been volving and revolving in my fancy 
 some time, but to no purpose, by what 
 clean device or facette contrivance I might 
 so modulate them, that whilst I satisfy that 
 ear which the reader chuses to lend me 
 I might not dissatisfy the other which he 
 keeps to himself. 
 
 My ink burns my finger to try 
 
 and when I have 'twill have a worse 
 
 consequence it will burn (I fear) my 
 
 paper. 
 
 No; 1 dare not 
 
 48
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 But if you wish to know how the abbess 
 of Andouillets and a novice of her convent 
 got over the difficulty (only first wishing 
 myself all imaginable success) I'll tell you 
 without the least scruple. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 THE abbess of Andouillets, which, if you 
 look into the large set of provincial 
 maps now publishing at Paris, you 
 will find situated amongst the hills which 
 divide Burgundy from Savoy, being in dan- 
 ger of an Anchylosis or stiff joint (the sinovia 
 of her knee becoming hard by long matins), 
 
 and having tried every remedy first, 
 
 prayers and thanksgiving; then invocations 
 to all the saints in heaven promiscuously 
 
 then particularly to every saint who had 
 
 ever had a stiff leg before her then 
 
 touching it with all the reliques of the con- 
 vent, principally with the thigh-bone of the 
 man of Lystra, who had been impotent from 
 his youth then wrapping it up in her veil 
 
 49
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 when she went to bed then cross-wise her 
 rosary then bringing hi to her aid the sec- 
 ular arm, and anointing it with oils and hot 
 fat of animals then treating it with emol- 
 lient and resolving fomentations then 
 
 with poultices of marsh- mallows, mallows, 
 bonus Henricus, white lillies and fenugreek 
 then taking the woods, I mean the smoke 
 of 'em, holding her scapulary across her lap 
 then decoctions of wild chicory, water- 
 cresses, chervil, sweet cecily and cochlearia 
 
 and nothing all this while answering, 
 
 was prevailed on at last to try the hot- 
 baths of Bourbon so having first ob- 
 
 tain'd leave of the visitor-general to take 
 care of her existence she ordered all to be 
 got ready for her journey: a novice of the 
 convent of about seventeen, who had been 
 troubled with a whitloe in her middle finger, 
 by sticking it constantly into the abbess's 
 cast poultices, &c. had gained such an in- 
 terest, that overlooking a sciatical old nun, 
 who might have been set up for ever by 
 the hot-baths of Bourbon, Margarita, the 
 little novice, was elected as the companion 
 of the journey. 
 
 An old calesh, belonging to the abbesse, 
 
 50
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 lined with green frize, was ordered to be 
 drawn out into the sun the gardener of 
 the convent being chosen muleteer, led out 
 the two old mules, to clip the hair from 
 the rump-ends of their tails, whilst a couple 
 of lay-sisters were busied, the one in darn- 
 ing the lining, and the other in sewing on 
 the shreds of yellow binding, which the 
 
 teeth of time had unravelled the under- 
 
 gardener dress 'd the muleteer's hat in hot 
 
 wine-lees and a taylor sat musically at 
 
 it, in a shed over-against the convent, in 
 assorting four dozen of bells for the har- 
 ness, whistling to each bell, as he tied it on 
 with a thong. 
 
 The carpenter and the smith of An- 
 
 douillets held a council of wheels; and by 
 seven, the morning after, all look'd spruce, 
 and was ready at the gate of the convent 
 for the hot-baths of Bourbon two rows of 
 the unfortunate stood ready there an hour 
 before. 
 
 The abbess of Andouillets, supported by 
 Margarita the novice, advanced slowly to 
 the calesh, both clad in white, with their 
 black rosaries hanging at their breasts 
 
 There was a simple solemnity in the 
 
 1
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 contrast: they entered the calesh; and nuns 
 in the same uniform, sweet emblem of in- 
 nocence, each occupied a window, and as 
 the abbess and Margarita look'd up each 
 (the sciatical poor nun excepted) each 
 stream'd out the end of her veil in the air 
 then kiss'd the lilly hand which let it go: 
 the good abbess and Margarita laid their 
 hands saint- wise upon their breasts look'd 
 up to heaven then to them and look'd 
 "God bless you, dear sisters." 
 
 I declare I am interested in this story, 
 and I wish I had been there. 
 
 The gardener, whom I shall now call the 
 muleteer, was a little, hearty, broad-set, 
 good-natured, chattering, toping kind of a 
 fellow, who troubled his head very little 
 with the hows and whens of life ; so had 
 mortgaged a month of his conventical wages 
 in a borrachio, or leathern cask of wine, 
 which he had disposed behind the calesh, 
 with a large russet-coloured riding-coat over 
 it, to guard it from the sun; and as the 
 weather was hot, and he not a niggard of 
 his labours, walking ten times more than he 
 rode he found more occasions than those 
 of nature, to fall back to the rear of his
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 carriage ; till by frequent coming and go- 
 ing, it had so happen' d, that all his wine 
 had leak'd out at the legal vent of the bor- 
 rachio, before one half of the journey was 
 finish 'd. 
 
 Man is a creature born to habitudes. 
 The day had been sultry the evening was 
 delicious the wine was generous the Bur- 
 gundian hill on which it grew was steep 
 a little tempting bush over the door of a 
 cool cottage at the foot of it, hung vibrat- 
 ing in full harmony with the passions a 
 gentle air rustled distinctly through the 
 leaves "Come come, thirsty muleteer 
 come in." 
 
 The muleteer was a son of Adam. I 
 need not say a word more. He gave the 
 mules, each of 'em, a sound lash, and look- 
 ing in the abbess's and Margarita's faces 
 (as he did it) as much as to say "here I 
 am" he gave a second good crack as 
 
 much as to say to his mules, "get on" 
 
 so slinking behind, he enter 'd the little inn 
 at the foot of the hill. 
 
 The muleteer, as I told you, was a little, 
 joyous, chirping fellow, who thought not of 
 to-morrow, nor of what had gone before, or 
 
 53
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 what was to follow it, provided he got but 
 his scantling of Burgundy, and a little chit- 
 chat along with it; so entering into a long 
 conversation, as how he was chief gardener 
 to the convent of Andouillets, &c. &c. and 
 out of friendship for the abbess and Mad- 
 emoiselle Margarita, who was only in her 
 noviciate, he had come along with them 
 from the confines of Savoy, &c. &c. and 
 as how she had got a white swelling by her 
 devotions and what a nation of herbs he 
 had procured to mollify her humours, &c. 
 &c. and that if the waters of Bourbon did 
 not mend that leg she might as well be 
 lame of both &c. &c. &c. He so con- 
 trived his story, as absolutely to forget the 
 heroine of it and with her, the little novice, 
 and what was a more ticklish point to be 
 forgot than both the two mules; who be- 
 ing creatures that take advantage of the 
 world, inasmuch as their parents took it of 
 them and they not being in a condition 
 to return the obligation downwards (as men 
 and women and beasts are) they do it side- 
 ways, and long-ways, and back-ways and 
 up hill, and down hill, and which way they 
 
 can. Philosophers, with all their eth- 
 
 M
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 icks, have never considered this rightly 
 how should the poor muleteer, then in his 
 cups, consider it at all ? he did not in the 
 least 'tis time we do; let us leave him 
 then in the vortex of his element, the hap- 
 piest and most thoughtless of mortal men 
 
 and for a moment let us look after the 
 
 mules, the abbess, and Margarita. 
 
 By virtue of the muleteer's two last 
 strokes, the mules had gone quietly on, 
 following their own consciences up the hill, 
 till they had conquer 'd about one half of 
 it ; when the elder of them, a shrewd, 
 crafty old devil, at the turn of an angle, 
 giving a side glance, and no muleteer be- 
 hind them 
 
 By my fig! said she, swearing, I'll go no 
 
 further And if I do, replied the other, 
 
 they shall make a drum of my hide. 
 
 And so with one consent they stopp'd 
 thus
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 Get on with you, said the abbess. 
 
 Wh ysh ysh cried Mar- 
 garita. 
 
 Sh - - - a shu - u shu - - u sh - - aw 
 
 shaw'd the abbess. 
 
 Whu v w whew w w 
 
 whuv'd Margarita, pursing up her sweet lips 
 betwixt a hoot and a whistle. 
 
 Thump thump thump obstreperated 
 the abbess of Andouillets with the end of 
 her gold- headed cane against the bottom of 
 the calesh 
 
 The old mule let a f 
 
 W 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 E are ruined and undone, my child, 
 
 said the abbess to Margarita, 
 
 we shall be here all night we 
 
 shall be plundered we shall be rav- 
 
 ish'd 
 
 66
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 We shall be ravish'd, said Margarita, 
 
 as sure as a gun. 
 
 Sancta Maria! cried the abbess (forget- 
 ting the Of) why was 1 govern'd by this 
 wicked stiff joint ? why did I leave the con- 
 vent of Andouillets? and why didst thou not 
 suffer thy servant to go unpolluted to her 
 tomb? 
 
 O my finger! my finger! cried the novice, 
 catching fire at the word servant why was 
 I not content to put it here, or there, any 
 where rather than be in this strait? 
 
 Strait! said the abbess. 
 
 Strait said the novice ; for terror had 
 
 struck their understandings the one knew 
 
 not what she said the other what she 
 
 answer 'd. 
 
 O my virginity! virginity! cried the ab- 
 bess. 
 
 inity! inityl said the novice, sob- 
 bing.
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 MY dear mother, quoth the novice, com- 
 ing a little to herself, there are 
 
 two certain words, which I have been 
 told will force any horse, or ass, or mule, to 
 go up a hill, whether he will or no; be he 
 never so obstinate or ill- will' d, the moment 
 he hears them utter' d, he obeys. They are 
 words magic! cried the abbess in the utmost 
 horror No; replied Margarita calmly but 
 they are words sinful What are they ? 
 quoth the abbess, interrupting her: They 
 are sinful in the first degree, answered Mar- 
 garita, they are mortal and if we are rav- 
 ish'd and die unabsolved of them, we shall 
 
 both but you may pronounce them to 
 
 me, quoth the abbess of Andouillets 
 
 They cannot, my dear mother, said the no- 
 vice, be pronounced at all; they will make 
 all the blood in one's body fly up into one's 
 face But you may whisper them in my ear, 
 quoth the abbess. 
 
 Heaven! hadst thou no guardian angel to 
 
 58
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 delegate to the inn at the bottom of the 
 hill ? was there no generous and friendly 
 
 spirit unemployed no agent in nature, 
 
 by some monitory shivering, creeping along 
 the artery which led to his heart, to rouse 
 
 the muleteer from his banquet? no sweet 
 
 minstrelsy to bring back the fair idea of the 
 abbess and Margarita, with their black rosa- 
 ries! 
 
 Rouse ! rouse ! but 'tis too late the 
 
 horrid words are pronounced this mo- 
 ment 
 
 and how to tell them Ye, who can 
 
 speak of every thing existing, with unpol- 
 luted lips instruct me guide me 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 ALL sins whatever, quoth the abbess, 
 turning casuist in the distress they 
 were under, are held by the confessor 
 of our convent to be either mortal or venial: 
 there is no further division. Now a venial 
 sin being the slightest and least of all sins, 
 
 59
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 being halved by taking, either only the 
 half of it, and leaving the rest or, by tak- 
 ing it all, and amicably halving it betwixt 
 yourself and another person in course be- 
 comes diluted into no sin at all. 
 
 Now I see no sin in saying, bou, bou, bou, 
 bou, bou, a hundred times together; nor is 
 there any turpitude in pronouncing the syl- 
 lable ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, were it from 
 our matins to our vespers: Therefore, my 
 dear daughter, continued the abbess of An- 
 douillets I will say bou, and thou shalt say 
 ger; and then alternately, as there is no 
 more sin in fou than in bou Thou shalt 
 say fou and I will come in (like fa, sol, la, 
 re, mi, ut, at our complines) with ter. And 
 accordingly the abbess, giving the pitch note, 
 set off thus : 
 
 Abbess, ) Bou - - bou - - bou - - 
 Margarita, I - ger, - - ger, - - ger. 
 Margarita, \ Fou - - fou - - fou - - 
 Abbess, j ter, - - ter, - - ter. 
 
 The two mules acknowledged the notes 
 by a mutual lash of their tails; but it went 
 
 no further. 'Twill answer by an' by, said 
 
 the novice. 
 
 60
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Abbess, | Bou- bou- bou- bou- bou- bou- 
 Margarita, j ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, ger. 
 
 Quicker still, cried Margarita. 
 
 Fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou. 
 
 Quicker still, cried Margarita. 
 
 Bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, 
 bou. 
 
 Quicker still God preserve me! said the 
 abbess They do not understand us, cried 
 Margarita But the Devil does, said the 
 abbess of Andouillets. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 WHAT a tract of country have I run ! 
 how many degrees nearer to the warm 
 sun am I advanced, and how many 
 fair and goodly cities have I seen, during the 
 time you have been reading, and reflecting, 
 Madam, upon this story! There's FONTAIN- 
 BLEAU, and SENS, and JOIGNY, and AUXERRE, 
 and DIJON the capital of Burgundy, and 
 CHALLON, and Macon the capital of the 
 
 61 

 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Maconese, and a score more upon the road 
 
 to LYONS and now I have run them 
 
 over 1 might as well talk to you of so 
 
 many market towns in the moon, as tell 
 you one word about them: it will be this 
 chapter at the least, if not both this and 
 
 the next entirely lost, do what I will 
 
 Why, 'tis a strange story! Tristram. 
 
 Alas! Madam, 
 
 had it been upon some melancholy lecture 
 of the cross the peace of meekness, or the 
 
 contentment of resignation 1 had not 
 
 been incommoded: or had I thought of 
 writing it upon the purer abstractions of 
 the soul, and that food of wisdom and 
 holiness and contemplation, upon which the 
 spirit of man (when separated from the 
 
 body) is to subsist for ever You would 
 
 have come with a better appetite from it 
 
 1 wish I never had wrote it: but as 
 
 I never blot any thing out let us use 
 
 some honest means to get it out of our 
 heads directly. 
 
 Pray reach me my fool's cap 1 
 
 fear you sit upon it, Madam 'tis under 
 
 the cushion I'll put it on 
 
 Bless me ! you have had it upon your 
 
 69
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 head this half hour. There then let it 
 
 stay, with a 
 
 Fa-ra diddle di 
 
 and a fa-ri diddle d 
 
 and a high-dum dye-dum 
 
 fiddle dumb - c. 
 
 And now, Madam, we may venture, I hope, 
 a little to go on. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 All you need say of Fontainbleau (in 
 
 case you are ask'd) is, that it stands about 
 forty miles (south something) from Paris, in 
 
 the middle of a large forest That there 
 
 is something great in it That the king 
 
 goes there once every two or three years, 
 with his whole court, for the pleasure of 
 the chase and that, during that carnival of 
 sporting, any English gentleman of fashion 
 (you need not forget yourself) may be ac- 
 commodated with a nag or two, to partake 
 of the sport, taking care only not to out- 
 gallop the king 
 
 63
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Though there are two reasons why you 
 need not talk loud of this to every one. 
 
 First, Because 'twill make the said nags 
 the harder to be got; and 
 
 Secondly, 'Tis not a word of it true. 
 
 Allans! 
 
 As for SENS you may dispatch it in a 
 
 word '"Tis an archiepiscopal see." 
 
 For JOIGNY the less, I think, one 
 
 says of it, the better. 
 
 But for AUXERRE I could go on for ever : 
 for in my grand tour through Europe, in 
 which, after all, my father (not caring to trust 
 me with any one) attended me himself, with 
 my uncle Toby, and Trim, and Obadiah, and 
 indeed most of the family, except my mother, 
 who being taken up with a project of knitting 
 my father a pair of large worsted breeches 
 (the thing is common sense) and she not 
 caring to be put out of her way, she staid at 
 home, at SHANDY HALL, to keep things right 
 during the expedition; in which, I say, my 
 father stopping us two days at Auxerre, and 
 his researches being ever of such a nature, 
 that they would have found fruit even in a 
 
 desert he has left me enough to say upon 
 
 AUXERRE : in short, wherever my father went 
 
 64
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 but 'twas more remarkably so, in this 
 
 journey through France and Italy, than in 
 
 any other stages of his life his road seemed 
 
 to lie so much on one side of that, wherein all 
 other travellers have gone before him he saw 
 kings and courts and silks of all colours, in 
 
 such strange lights and his remarks and 
 
 reasonings upon the characters, the manners, 
 and customs of the countries we pass'd over, 
 were so opposite to those of all other mortal 
 men, particularly those of my uncle Toby and 
 Trim (to say nothing of myself) and to 
 crown all the occurrences and scrapes which 
 we were perpetually meeting and getting in- 
 to, in consequence of his systems and opin- 
 iatry they were of so odd, so mix'd and 
 tragi-comical a contexture That the whole 
 put together, it appears of so different a shade 
 and tint from any tour of Europe, which was 
 ever executed that I will venture to pro- 
 nounce the fault must be mine and mine 
 only if it be not read by all travellers and 
 travel-readers, till travelling is no more, or 
 which comes to the same point till the 
 world, finally, takes it into its head to stand 
 
 still. 
 
 But this rich bale is not to be open'd 
 
 65
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 now; except a small thread or two of it, 
 merely to unravel the mystery of my father's 
 stay at AUXERRE. 
 
 As I have mentioned it 'tis too slight 
 
 to be kept suspended ; and when 'tis wove in, 
 there is an end of it. 
 
 We'll go, brother Toby, said my father, 
 whilst dinner is coddling to the abby of 
 Saint Germain, if it be only to see these 
 bodies, of which Monsieur Sequier has given 
 
 such a recommendation. I'll go see any 
 
 body, quoth my uncle Toby; for he was all 
 compliance through every step of the jour- 
 ney Defend me! said my father they 
 
 are all mummies Then one need not 
 
 shave; quoth my uncle Toby Shave! no 
 
 cried my father 'twill be more like rela- 
 tions to go with our beards on So out we 
 sallied, the corporal lending his master his 
 arm, and bringing up the rear, to the abby 
 of Saint Germain. 
 
 Every thing is very fine, and very rich, 
 and very superb, and very magnificent, said 
 my father, addressing himself to the sacris- 
 tan, who was a younger brother of the order 
 of Benedictines but our curiosity has led us 
 to see the bodies, of which Monsieur Sequier 
 
 66
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 has given the world so exact a description. 
 The sacristan made a bow, and lighting a 
 torch first, which he had always in the ves- 
 try ready for the purpose; he led us into 
 
 the tomb of St Heribald This, said the 
 
 sacristan, laying his hand upon the tomb, 
 was a renowned prince of the house of 
 Bavaria, who under the successive reigns of 
 Charlemagne, Louis le Debonnair, and Charles 
 the Bald, bore a great sway in the govern- 
 ment, and had a principal hand in bringing 
 every thing into order and discipline 
 
 Then he has been as great, said my uncle, 
 
 in the field, as in the cabinet 1 dare say 
 
 he has been a gallant soldier He was a 
 
 monk said the sacristan. 
 
 My uncle Toby and Trim sought comfort 
 in each other's faces but found it not: my 
 father clapped both his hands upon his cod- 
 piece, which was a way he had when any 
 thing hugely tickled him : for though he 
 hated a monk and the very smell of a 
 
 monk worse than all the devils in hell 
 
 yet the shot hitting my uncle Toby and 
 Trim so much harder than him, 'twas a 
 relative triumph; and put him into the 
 gayest humour in the world. 
 
 67
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 And pray what do you call this gen- 
 tleman? quoth my father, rather sportingly: 
 This tomb, said the young Benedictine, look- 
 ing downwards, contains the bones of Saint 
 MAXIMA, who came from Ravenna on pur- 
 pose to touch the body 
 
 Of Saint MAXIMUS, said my father, 
 
 popping in with his saint before him, they 
 were two of the greatest saints in the whole 
 
 martyrology, added my father Excuse me, 
 
 said the sacristan 'twas to touch the 
 
 bones of Saint Germain, the builder of the 
 
 abby And what did she get by it? said 
 
 my uncle Toby What does any woman 
 
 get by it? said my father MARTYRDOME; 
 
 replied the young Benedictine, making a bow 
 down to the ground, and uttering the word 
 with so humble, but decisive a cadence, it 
 disarmed my father for a moment. 'Tis 
 supposed, continued the Benedictine, that St 
 Maxima has lain in this tomb four hundred 
 years, and two hundred before her canoniza- 
 tion 'Tis but a slow rise, brother Toby, 
 
 quoth my father, in this self-same army of 
 
 martyrs. A desperate slow one, an' please 
 
 your honour, said Trim, unless one could pur- 
 chase 1 should rather sell out entirely, 
 
 68
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby 1 am pretty much 
 
 of your opinion, brother Toby, said my 
 father. 
 
 Poor St Maxima! said my uncle Toby 
 
 low to himself, as we turn'd from her tomb : 
 She was one of the fairest and most beautiful 
 ladies either of Italy or France, continued 
 
 the sacristan But who the duce has got 
 
 lain down here, besides her ? quoth my 
 father, pointing with his cane to a large 
 
 tomb as we walked on It is Saint Optat, 
 
 Sir, answered the sacristan And properly 
 
 is Saint Optat plac'd! said my father: And 
 what is Saint Opiates story ? continued he. 
 Saint Optat, replied the sacristan, was a 
 bishop 
 
 1 thought so, by heaven! cried my 
 
 father, interrupting him Saint Optat f- 
 
 how should Saint Optat fail ? so snatching 
 out his pocket-book, and the young Bene- 
 dictine holding him the torch as he wrote, 
 he set it down as a new prop to his system 
 of Christian names, and I will be bold to 
 say, so disinterested was he in the search of 
 truth, that had he found a treasure in Saint 
 Opiates tomb, it would not have made him 
 half so rich: 'Twas as successful a short
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 visit as ever was paid to the dead; and so 
 highly was his fancy pleas' d with all that 
 had passed in it, that he determined at 
 once to stay another day in Auxerre. 
 
 I'll see the rest of these good gentry 
 to-morrow, said my father, as we cross'd 
 over the square And while you are paying 
 that visit, brother Shandy, quoth my uncle 
 Toby the corporal and I will mount the 
 ramparts. 
 
 N 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 OW this is the most puzzled skein 
 
 of all for in this last chapter, 
 
 as far at least as it has help'd 
 me through Auxerre, I have been getting 
 forwards in two different journies together, 
 and with the same dash of the pen for I 
 have got entirely out of Auxerre in this 
 journey which I am writing now, and I am 
 got half way out of Auxerre in that which 
 
 I shall write hereafter There is but a 
 
 certain degree of perfection in every thing; 
 
 70
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 and by pushing at something beyond that, 
 I have brought myself into such a situation, 
 as no traveller ever stood before me; for I 
 am this moment walking across the market- 
 place of Auxerre with my father and my 
 
 uncle Toby, in our way back to dinner 
 
 and I am this moment also entering Lyons 
 with my post-chaise broke into a thousand 
 pieces and I am moreover this moment in 
 a handsome pavillion built by Pringello,* 
 upon the banks of the Garonne, which Mons. 
 Sligniac has lent me, and where I now sit 
 rhapsodising all these affairs. 
 
 Let me collect myself, and pursue 
 
 my journey. 
 
 *The same Don Pringello, the celebrated Spanish architect, 
 of whom my cousin Antony has made such honourable mention 
 in a scholium to the Tale inscribed to his name. Vid. p. 129, 
 small edit. 
 
 71
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 I AM glad of it, said I, settling the ac- 
 count with myself, as I walk'd into 
 Lyons my chaise being all laid hig- 
 gledy-piggledy with my baggage in a cart, 
 
 which was moving slowly before me 1 
 
 am heartily glad, said I, that 'tis all broke 
 to pieces; for now I can go directly by 
 water to Avignon, which will carry me on 
 a hundred and twenty miles of my journey, 
 
 and not cost me seven livres and from 
 
 thence, continued I, bringing forwards the 
 account, I can hire a couple of mules or 
 asses, if I like, (for nobody knows me) and 
 cross the plains of Languedoc, for almost 
 
 nothing 1 shall gain four hundred livres 
 
 by the misfortune clear into my purse; and 
 pleasure! worth worth double the money 
 by it. With what velocity, continued I, 
 clapping my two hands together, shall I fly 
 down the rapid Rhone, with the VIVARES on 
 my right hand, and DAUPHINY on my left, 
 scarce seeing the ancient cities of VIENNE, 
 
 78
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Valence, and Vlvieres. What a flame will 
 it rekindle in the lamp, to snatch a blush- 
 ing grape from the Hermitage and Cote roti, 
 as I shoot by the foot of them! and what a 
 fresh spring in the blood ! to behold upon 
 the banks advancing and retiring, the castles 
 of romance, whence courteous knights have 
 
 whilome rescued the distress'd and see 
 
 vertiginous, the rocks, the mountains, the 
 cataracts, and all the hurry which Nature is 
 
 in with all her great works about her 
 
 As I went on thus, methought my chaise, 
 the wreck of which look'd stately enough 
 at the first, insensibly grew less and less in 
 its size; the freshness of the painting was no 
 more the gilding lost its lustre and the 
 whole affair appeared so poor in my eyes 
 so sorry! so contemptible! and, in a word, 
 so much worse than the abbess of Andouil- 
 lets' itself that I was just opening my 
 mouth to give it to the devil when a pert 
 vamping chaise-undertaker, stepping nimbly 
 across the street, demanded if Monsieur 
 
 would have his chaise refitted No, no, 
 
 said I, shaking my head sideways Would 
 Monsieur chuse to sell it? rejoined the un- 
 dertaker With all my soul, said I the 
 
 73
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 iron work is worth forty livres and the 
 glasses worth forty more and the leather 
 you may take to live on. 
 
 What a mine of wealth, quoth I, as he 
 counted me the money, has this post-chaise 
 brought me in? And this is my usual 
 method of book-keeping, at least with the 
 disasters of life making a penny of every 
 one of 'em as they happen to me - 
 
 - Do, my dear Jenny, tell the world 
 for me, how I behaved under one, the most 
 oppressive of its kind, which could befal me 
 as a man, proud, as he ought to be, of his 
 manhood - 
 
 'Tis enough, saidst thou, coming close up 
 to me, as I stood with my garters in my 
 hand, reflecting upon what had not pass'd 
 - 'Tis enough, Tristram, and I am satis- 
 fied, saidst thou, whispering these words in 
 
 TV* Tr***?? 'jT'Tr'Tr -Tp Tr'Tr'Tr'TrTV' W'TrTf'Tr TTTT 
 
 TY"I 1 17' 
 
 ** - any other man would have sunk down 
 to the center - 
 
 - Every thing is good for something, 
 quoth I. 
 
 - I'll go into Wales for six weeks, and 
 drink goat's whey and I'll gain seven years 
 longer life for the accident. For which rea- 
 
 74
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 son I think myself inexcusable, for blaming 
 fortune so often as I have done, for pelt- 
 ing me all my life long, like an ungracious 
 duchess, as I call'd her, with so many small 
 evils: surely if I have any cause to be an- 
 gry with her, 'tis that she has not sent me 
 great ones a score of good cursed, bounc- 
 ing losses, would have been as good as a 
 pension to me. 
 
 One of a hundred a year, or so, is all 
 
 I wish I would not be at the plague of 
 paying land-tax for a larger. 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 TO those who call vexations, VEXATIONS, 
 as knowing what they are, there could 
 not be a greater, than to be the best 
 part of a day at Lyons, the most opulent 
 and flourishing city in France, enriched with 
 the most fragments of antiquity and not 
 be able to see it. To be withheld upon 
 any account, must be a vexation; but to be 
 
 75
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 withheld by a vexation must certainly be, 
 
 what philosophy justly calls 
 
 VEXATION 
 
 UPON 
 
 VEXATION. 
 
 I had got my two dishes of milk coffee 
 (which by the bye is excellently good for 
 a consumption, but you must boil the milk 
 and coffee together otherwise 'tis only cof- 
 fee and milk) and as it was no more than 
 eight in the morning, and the boat did not 
 go off till noon, I had time to see enough 
 of Lyons to tire the patience of all the 
 friends I had in the world with it. I will 
 take a walk to the cathedral, said I, look- 
 ing at my list, and see the wonderful me- 
 chanism of this great clock of Lippius of 
 Basil, in the first place 
 
 Now, of all things in the world, I under- 
 stand the least of mechanism 1 have 
 
 neither genius, or taste, or fancy and have 
 a brain so entirely unapt for every thing of 
 that kind, that I solemnly declare I was 
 
 76
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 never yet able to comprehend the principles 
 of motion of a squirrel cage, or a common 
 knife-grinder's wheel tho' I have many an 
 hour of my life look'd up with great devo- 
 tion at the one and stood by with as much 
 patience as any Christian ever could do, at 
 the other 
 
 I'll go see the surprising movements of 
 this great clock, said I, the very first thing 
 I do: and then I will pay a visit to the 
 great library of the Jesuits, and procure, if 
 possible, a sight of the thirty volumes of 
 the general history of China, wrote (not in 
 the Tartarean) but in the Chinese language, 
 and in the Chinese character too. 
 
 Now I almost know as little of the Chinese 
 language, as I do of the mechanism of Lip- 
 pins' s clock-work ; so, why these should have 
 jostled themselves into the two first articles 
 
 of my list 1 leave to the curious as a 
 
 problem of Nature. I own it looks like one 
 of her ladyship's obliquities; and they who 
 court her, are interested in finding out her 
 humour as much as I. 
 
 When these curiosities are seen, quoth I, 
 half addressing myself to my valet de place, 
 who stood behind me 'twill be no hurt 
 
 77
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 if WE go to the church of St Irenceus, and 
 
 see the pillar to which Christ was tied 
 
 and after that, the house where Pontius Pilate 
 
 lived 'Twas at the next town, said the 
 
 valet de place at Vienne; I am glad of it, 
 said I, rising briskly from my chair, and 
 walking across the room with strides twice 
 
 as long as my usual pace "for so much 
 
 the sooner shall I be at the Tomb of the 
 two lovers." 
 
 What was the cause of this movement, 
 and why I took such long strides in utter- 
 ing this 1 might leave to the curious 
 
 too ; but as no principle of clock-work is 
 
 concerned in it 'twill be as well for the 
 
 reader if I explain it myself.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 O! THERE is a sweet sera in the life of 
 man when, (the brain being tender and 
 fibrillous, and more like pap than any 
 thing else) a story read of two fond lovers, 
 separated from each other by cruel parents, 
 and by still more cruel destiny 
 
 A mandus He 
 
 A manda She 
 
 each ignorant of the other's course, 
 
 He east 
 
 She west 
 
 Amandus taken captive by the Turks, and 
 carried to the emperor of Morocco's court, 
 where the princess of Morocco falling in 
 love with him, keeps him twenty years in 
 
 prison, for the love of his Amanda. 
 
 She (Amanda) all the time wandering 
 barefoot, and with dishevell'd hair, o'er 
 rocks and mountains, enquiring for Aman- 
 dus A mandus f A mandus ! making 
 
 every hill and valley to echo back his 
 name 
 
 Amandus! Amandus! 
 
 19
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 at every town and city, sitting down for- 
 lorn at the gate Has Amandus! has my 
 
 Amandus enter'd ? till, going round, 
 
 and round, and round the world chance 
 
 unexpected bringing them at the same mo- 
 ment of the night, though by different 
 ways, to the gate of Lyons, their native 
 city, and each in well-known accents call- 
 ing out aloud, 
 
 Is Amandus j ^ aliye? 
 Is my Amanda ) 
 
 they fly into each other's arms, and both 
 drop down dead for joy. 
 
 There is a soft asra in every gentle mor- 
 tal's life, where such a story affords more 
 pabulum to the brain, than all the Frusts, 
 and Crusts, and Rusts of antiquity, which 
 travellers can cook up for it. 
 
 'Twas all that stuck on the right side 
 
 of the cullender in my own, of what Spon 
 and others, in their accounts of Lyons, had 
 strained into it; and finding, moreover, in 
 
 some Itinerary, but in what God knows 
 
 That sacred to the fidelity of Amandus and 
 Amanda, a tomb was built without the 
 gates, where, to this hour, lovers called 
 upon them to attest their truths 1 never 
 
 80
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 could get into a scrape of that kind in my 
 life, but this tomb of the lovers would, some- 
 how or other, come in at the close nay 
 
 such a kind of empire had it establish 'd over 
 me, that I could seldom think or speak of 
 Lyons and sometimes not so much as see 
 even a Lyons-waistcoat, but this remnant of 
 antiquity would present itself to my fancy; 
 and I have often said in my wild way of 
 running on tho' I fear with some irrev- 
 erence "I thought this shrine (neglected 
 
 as it was) as valuable as that of Mecca., and 
 so little short, except in wealth, of the Santa 
 Casa itself, that some time or other, I would 
 go a pilgrimage (though I had no other 
 business at Lyons) on purpose to pay it a 
 visit." 
 
 In my list, therefore, of Videnda at Lyons, 
 this, tho' last, was not, you see, least; so 
 taking a dozen or two of longer strides than 
 usual across my room, just whilst it passed 
 my brain, I walked down calmly into the 
 Basse Cour, in order to sally forth; and 
 having called for my bill as it was uncer- 
 tain whether I should return to my inn, I 
 
 had paid it had moreover given the maid 
 
 ten sous, and was just receiving the dernier 
 
 81
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 compliments of Monsieur Le Blanc, for a 
 
 pleasant voyage down the Rhone when I 
 
 was stopped at the gate 
 
 T 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 I WAS by a poor ass, who had just 
 turned in with a couple of large 
 panniers upon his back, to collect 
 eleemosynary turnip- tops and cabbage-leaves ; 
 and stood dubious, with his two fore-feet on 
 the inside of the threshold, and with his 
 two hinder feet towards the street, as not 
 knowing very well whether he was to go in 
 or no. 
 
 Now, 'tis an animal (be in what hurry I 
 
 may) I cannot bear to strike there is a 
 
 patient endurance of sufferings, wrote so un- 
 affectedly in his looks and carriage, which 
 pleads so mightily for him, that it always 
 disarms me; and to that degree, that I do 
 not like to speak unkindly to him: on the 
 contrary, meet him where I will whether 
 in town or country in cart or under pan-
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 niers whether in liberty or bondage 1 
 
 have ever something civil to say to him on 
 my part; and as one word begets another 
 (if he has as little to do as I) 1 gener- 
 ally fall into conversation with him ; and 
 surely never is my imagination so busy as 
 in framing his responses from the etchings 
 of his countenance! and where those carry 
 
 me not deep enough in flying from my 
 
 own heart into his, and seeing what is nat- 
 ural for an ass to think as well as a man, 
 upon the occasion. In truth, it is the only 
 creature of all the classes of beings below 
 me, with whom I can do this: for parrots, 
 
 jackdaws, &c. 1 never exchange a word 
 
 with them nor with the apes, &c. for 
 
 pretty near the same reason; they act by 
 rote, as the others speak by it, and equally 
 make me silent: nay my dog and my cat, 
 
 though I value them both (and for my 
 
 dog he would speak if he could) yet some- 
 how or other, they neither of them possess 
 
 the talents for conversation 1 can make 
 
 nothing of a discourse with them, beyond 
 the proposition, the reply, and ry'oinder, 
 which terminated my father's and my 
 mother's conversations, in his beds of jus- 
 
 83
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 and those utter'd there's an end 
 
 of the dialogue 
 
 But with an ass, I can commune for 
 ever. 
 
 Come, Honesty! said I, seeing it was 
 
 impracticable to pass betwixt him and the 
 
 gate art thou for coming in, or going 
 
 out? 
 
 The ass twisted his head round to look 
 up the street 
 
 Well replied I we'll wait a minute for 
 thy driver: 
 
 He turned his head thoughtful about, 
 
 and looked wistfully the opposite way 
 
 I understand thee perfectly, answered I 
 -If thou takest a wrong step in this 
 
 affair, he will cudgel thee to death Well! 
 
 a minute is but a minute, and if it saves a 
 fellow-creature a drubbing, it shall not be 
 set down as ill spent. 
 
 He was eating the stem of an artichoke 
 as this discourse went on, and in the little 
 peevish contentions of nature betwixt hun- 
 ger and unsavouriness, had dropt it out of 
 his mouth half a dozen times, and pick'd it 
 
 up again God help thee, Jack! said I, 
 
 thou hast a bitter breakfast on't and many 
 
 84
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 a bitter day's labour and many a bitter 
 
 blow, I fear, for its wages 'tis all all 
 
 bitterness to thee, whatever life is to others. 
 
 And now thy mouth, if one knew the 
 
 truth of it, is as bitter, I dare say, as soot 
 (for he had cast aside the stem) and thou 
 hast not a friend perhaps in all this world, 
 that will give thee a macaroon. In say- 
 ing this, I pull'd out a paper of 'em, which 
 I had just purchased, and gave him one 
 and at this moment that I am telling it, 
 my heart smites me, that there was more of 
 pleasantry in the conceit, of seeing how an 
 ass would eat a macaroon than of be- 
 nevolence in giving him one, which presided 
 in the act. 
 
 When the ass had eaten his macaroon, I 
 
 press' d him to come in the poor beast 
 
 was heavily loaded his legs seem'd to 
 
 tremble under him he hung rather back- 
 wards, and as I pull'd at his halter, it broke 
 
 short in my hand he look'd up pensive 
 
 in my face " Don't thrash me with it but 
 
 if you will, you may" If I do, said I, 
 
 I'll be d d. 
 
 The word was but one-half of it pro- 
 nounced, like the abbess of Andouillets* 
 
 85 

 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 (so there was no sin in it) when a person 
 coming in, let fall a thundering bastinado 
 upon the poor devil's crupper, which put an 
 end to the ceremony. 
 
 Out upon it! 
 
 cried I but the interjection was equivo- 
 cal and, I think, wrong placed too for 
 
 the end of an osier which had started out 
 from the contexture of the ass's pannier, 
 had caught hold of my breeches pocket, as 
 he rush'd by me, and rent it in the most 
 
 disastrous direction you can imagine so 
 
 that the 
 
 Out upon it! in my opinion, should have 
 come in here but this I leave to be set- 
 tled by 
 
 THE 
 REVIEWERS 
 
 OF 
 MY BREECHES, 
 
 which I have brought over along with me 
 for that purpose.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 WHEN all was set to rights, I came 
 down stairs again into the basse cour 
 with my valet de place, in order to 
 sally out towards the tomb of the two 
 lovers, &c. and was a second time stopp'd 
 
 at the gate not by the ass but by the 
 
 person who struck him; and who, by that 
 time, had taken possession (as is not un- 
 common after a defeat) of the very spot of 
 ground where the ass stood. 
 
 It was a commissary sent to me from the 
 post-office, with a rescript in his hand for 
 the payment of some six livres odd sous. 
 
 Upon what account? said I. 'Tis upon 
 
 the part of the king, replied the commissary, 
 heaving up both his shoulders 
 
 My good friend, quoth I as sure 
 
 as I am I and you are you 
 
 -And who are you? said he.- 
 
 Don't puzzle me; said I. 
 
 7
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 But it is an indubitable verity, con- 
 tinued I, addressing myself to the commis- 
 sary, changing only the form of my asse- 
 veration that I owe the king of France 
 
 nothing but my good- will; for he is a very 
 honest man, and I wish him all health and 
 pastime in the world 
 
 Pardonnez moi replied the commissary, 
 you are indebted to him six livres four 
 sous, for the next post from hence to St 
 Fons, in your route to Avignon which be- 
 ing a post royal, you pay double for the 
 horses and postillion otherwise 'twould have 
 amounted to no more than three livres, two 
 sous 
 
 But I don't go by land; said I. 
 
 You may if you please; replied the 
 
 commissary 
 
 Your most obedient servant said I, 
 
 making him a low bow 
 
 The commissary, with all the sincerity of
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 grave good breeding made me 6ne, as low 
 
 again. 1 never was more disconcerted 
 
 with a bow in my life. 
 
 The devil take the serious character 
 
 of these people! quoth I (aside) they un- 
 derstand no more of IRONY than this 
 
 The comparison was standing close by 
 with his panniers but something seal'd up 
 my lips I could not pronounce the name 
 
 Sir, said I, collecting myself it is not 
 my intention to take post 
 
 But you may said he, persisting in 
 his first reply you may take post if you 
 chuse 
 
 And I may take salt to my pickled 
 herring, said I, if I chuse 
 
 But I do not chuse 
 
 But you must pay for it, whether you 
 do or no. 
 
 Aye! for the salt; said I (I know) 
 
 And for the post too; added he. De- 
 fend me! cried I 
 
 I travel by water I am going down the 
 Rhone this very afternoon my baggage is 
 in the boat and I have actually paid nine 
 livres for my passage 
 
 C'est tout egal 'tis all one; said he.
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Bon Dieu! what, pay for the way 1 go! 
 and for the way I do not go! 
 
 C'est tout egal; replied the commis- 
 
 sary 
 
 The devil it is! said I but I will go 
 
 to ten thousand Bastiles first 
 
 England! England/ thou land of lib- 
 erty, and climate of good sense, thou ten- 
 derest of mothers and gentlest of nurses, 
 cried I, kneeling upon one knee, as I was 
 beginning my apostrophe. 
 
 When the director of Madam Le Blanc's 
 conscience coming in at that instant, and 
 seeing a person in black, with a face as pale 
 as ashes, at his devotions looking still paler 
 by the contrast and distress of his drapery 
 ask'd, if I stood in want of the aids of the 
 church 
 
 1 go by WATER said I and here's an- 
 other will be for making me pay for going 
 by OIL. 
 
 90
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 AS I perceived the commissary of the 
 post-office would have his six livres 
 four sous, I had nothing else for it, 
 but to say some smart thing upon the occa- 
 sion, worth the money: 
 
 And so I set off thus: 
 
 And pray, Mr Commissary, by what 
 
 law of courtesy is a defenceless stranger to 
 be used just the reverse from what you use 
 a Frenchman in this matter? 
 
 By no means; said he. 
 
 Excuse me; said I for you have begun, 
 Sir, with first tearing off my breeches and 
 now you want my pocket 
 
 Whereas had you first taken my pocket, 
 as you do with your own people and then 
 left me bare a 'd after I had been a 
 beast to have complain'd 
 
 As it is 
 
 'Tis contrary to the law of nature. 
 
 'Tis contrary to reason. 
 
 'Tis contrary to the GOSPEL. 
 
 91
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 But not to this said he putting a 
 
 printed paper into my hand, 
 
 PAR LE ROY. 
 
 'Tis a pithy prolegomenon, quoth 
 
 I and so read on 
 
 By all which it appears, quoth I, hav- 
 ing read it over, a little too rapidly, that if 
 a man sets out in a post-chaise from Paris 
 he must go on travelling in one, all the 
 days of his life or pay for it. Excuse me, 
 said the commissary, the spirit of the ordi- 
 nance is this That if you set out with an 
 intention of running post from Paris to 
 Avignon,, &c. you shall not change that in- 
 tention or mode of travelling, without first 
 satisfying the fermiers for two posts further 
 than the place you repent at and 
 founded, continued he, upon this, that the 
 REVENUES are not to fall short through yoi 
 fickleness 
 
 93
 
 - 
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 O by heavens! cried I if fickleness 
 
 is taxable in France we have nothing to 
 do but to make the best peace with you 
 we can 
 
 AND SO THE PEACE WAS MADE; 
 
 And if it is a bad one as Tristram 
 
 Shandy laid the corner-stone of it nobody 
 but Tristram Shandy ought to be hanged. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 THOUGH I was sensible I had said as 
 many clever things to the commissary 
 as came to six livres four sous, yet I 
 was determined to note down the imposi- 
 tion amongst my remarks before I retired 
 from the place; so putting my hand into 
 my coat-pocket for my remarks (which, by 
 the bye, may be a caution to travellers to 
 take a little more care of their remarks for 
 
 the future) "my remarks were stolen" 
 
 Never did sorry traveller make such a pother 
 and racket about his remarks as I did about 
 mine, upon the occasion. 
 
 93
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Heaven! earth! sea! fire! cried I, calling 
 in every thing to my aid but what I should 
 
 My remarks are stolen! what shall I 
 
 do? Mr. Commissary! pray did I drop 
 
 any remarks, as I stood besides you? 
 
 You dropp'd a good many very singular 
 
 ones; replied he Pugh! said I, those 
 
 were but a few, not worth above six livres 
 
 two sous but these are a large parcel 
 
 He shook his head Monsieur Le Blanc! 
 
 Madam Le Blanc! did you see any papers 
 of mine? you maid of the house! run up 
 stairs Francois! run up after her 
 
 I must have my remarks they were 
 
 the best remarks, cried I, that ever were 
 made the wisest the wittiest What shall 
 I do? which way shall I turn myself? 
 
 Sancho Panca, when he lost his ass's FUR- 
 NITURE, did not exclaim more bitterly.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVII. 
 
 WHEN the first transport was over, and 
 the registers of the brain were be- 
 ginning to get a little out of the 
 confusion into which this jumble of cross 
 accidents had cast them it then presently 
 occurr'd to me, that I had left my remarks 
 in the pocket of the chaise and that in 
 selling my chaise, I had sold my remarks 
 along with it, to the chaise-vamper. 
 
 I leave this void space that the 
 reader may swear into it any oath that he 
 is most accustomed to - For my own part, 
 if ever I swore a whole oath into a vacancy 
 in my life, I think it was into that - 
 
 said I and so my remarks 
 through France, which were as full of wit, 
 as an egg is full of meat, and as well worth 
 four hundred guineas, as the said egg is 
 worth a penny have I been selling here to 
 a chaise-vamper for four Louis d'Ors and 
 giving him a post-chaise (by heaven) worth 
 six into the bargain; had it been to Dods- 
 
 96
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 
 
 ky, or Becket, or any creditable bookseller, 
 who was either leaving off business, and 
 wanted a post-chaise or who was begin- 
 ning it and wanted my remarks, and two 
 or three guineas along with them I could 
 
 have borne it but to a chaise- vamper ! 
 
 shew me to him this moment, Francois 
 said I The valet de place put on his hat, 
 and led the way and I pull'd off mine, 
 as I pass'd the commissary, and followed 
 him. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVIII. 
 
 WHEN we arrived at the chaise-vamper's 
 house, both the house and the shop 
 were shut up; it was the eighth of 
 September, the nativity of the blessed Virgin 
 Mary, mother of God 
 
 Tantarra-ra-tan-tivi the whole world 
 
 was gone out a May-poling frisking here 
 
 capering there nobody cared a button for 
 
 me or my remarks ; so I sat me down upon 
 a bench by the door, philosophating upon 
 
 96
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 my condition: by a better fate than usually 
 attends me, I had not waited half an hour, 
 when the mistress came in to take the pa- 
 pilliotes from off her hair, before she went 
 to the May-poles 
 
 The French women, by the bye, love 
 May-poles, a la folie that is, as much as 
 
 their matins give 'em but a May-pole, 
 
 whether in May, June, July, or September 
 
 they never count the times down it goes 
 
 'tis meat, drink, washing, and lodging 
 
 to 'em and had we but the policy, an' 
 
 please your worships (as wood is a little 
 scarce in France], to send them but plenty 
 of May-poles. 
 
 The women would set them up ; and when 
 they had done, they would dance round them 
 (and the men for company) till they were all 
 blind. 
 
 The wife of the chaise- vamper stepp'd in, 
 I told you, to take the papilliotes from off 
 
 her hair the toilet stands still for no 
 
 man so she jerk'd off her cap, to begin 
 
 with them as she open'd the door, in doing 
 which, one of them fell upon the ground 
 1 instantly saw it was my own writ- 
 ing 
 
 91
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 O Seigneur! cried I you have got all 
 my remarks upon your head, Madam! - 
 J'en suis bien mortifiee, said she - 'tis 
 well, thinks I, they have stuck there for 
 could they have gone deeper, they would 
 have made such confusion in a French 
 woman's noddle She had better have gone 
 with it unfrizled, to the day of eternity. 
 
 Tenez said she so without any idea of 
 the nature of my suffering, she took them 
 from her curls, and put them gravely one 
 by one into my hat - one was twisted this 
 way - another twisted that - ey! by my 
 faith; and when they are published, quoth 
 
 They will be worse twisted still. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 AND now for Lippius's clock! said I, 
 with the air of a man, who had got 
 
 thro' all his difficulties nothing can 
 
 prevent us seeing that, and the Chinese his- 
 tory, &c. except the time, said Francois 
 
 98
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 for 'tis almost eleven then we must speed 
 the faster, said I, striding it away to the 
 cathedral. 
 
 I cannot say, in my heart, that it gave 
 me any concern in being told by one of 
 the minor canons, as I was entering the 
 west door, That Lippius's great clock was 
 all out of joints, and had not gone for some 
 
 years It will give me the more time, 
 
 thought I, to peruse the Chinese history; 
 and besides I shall be able to give the 
 world a better account of the clock in its 
 decay, than I could have done in its flour- 
 ishing condition 
 
 And so away I posted to the college 
 
 of the Jesuits. 
 
 Now it is with the project of getting a 
 peep at the history of China in Chinese 
 characters as with many others I could 
 mention, which strike the fancy only at a 
 distance; for as I came nearer and nearer 
 to the point my blood cool'd the freak 
 gradually went off, till at length I would 
 not have given a cherry-stone to have it 
 
 gratified The truth was, my time was 
 
 short, and my heart was at the Tomb of 
 the Lovers 1 wish to God, said I, as I 
 
 99
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 got the rapper in my hand, that the key 
 of the library may be but lost; it fell out 
 
 as well 
 
 For all the JESUITS had got the cholic 
 and to that degree, as never was known in 
 the memory of the oldest practitioner. 
 
 CHAPTER XL. 
 
 AS I knew the geography of the Tomb 
 of the Lovers, as well as if I had 
 lived twenty years in Lyons, namely, 
 that it was upon the turning of my right 
 hand, just without the gate, leading to the 
 
 Fauxbourg de Vaise 1 dispatched Francois 
 
 to the boat, that I might pay the homage 
 I so long ow'd it, without a witness of my 
 weakness. I walk'd with all imaginable joy 
 
 towards the place when I saw the gate 
 
 which intercepted the tomb, my heart glowed 
 
 within me 
 
 Tender and faithful spirits! cried I, 
 addressing myself to Amandus and Amanda 
 long long have I tarried to drop this 
 100
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tear upon your tomb 1 come- 
 
 come 
 
 When I came there was no tomb to drop 
 it upon. 
 
 What would I have given for my uncle 
 Toby, to have whistled Lillo bullero! 
 
 CHAPTER XLI. 
 
 NO matter how, or in what mood but 
 I flew from the tomb of the lovers 
 or rather I did not fly from it (for 
 there was no such thing existing) and just 
 got time enough to the boat to save my 
 passage; and ere I had sailed a hundred 
 yards, the Rhone and the Saon met together, 
 and carried me down merrily betwixt them. 
 
 But I have described this voyage down 
 the Rhone before I made it 
 
 So now I am at Avignon, and as 
 
 there is nothing to see but the old house, 
 in which the duke of Ormond resided, and 
 nothing to stop me but a short remark 
 upon the place, in three minutes you will 
 
 101
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 see me crossing the bridge upon a mule, 
 with Francois upon a horse with my port- 
 manteau behind him, and the owner of 
 both, striding the way before us, with a 
 long gun upon his shoulder, and a sword 
 under his arm, lest peradventure we should 
 run away with his cattle. Had you seen 
 
 my breeches in entering Avignon, Though 
 
 you'd have seen them better, I think, as I 
 mounted you would not have thought the 
 precaution amiss, or found in your heart to 
 have taken it in dudgeon: for my own 
 part, I took it most kindly; and deter- 
 mined to make him a present of them, 
 when we got to the end of our journey, 
 for the trouble they had put him to, ol 
 arming himself at all points against them. 
 
 Before I go further, let me get rid of 
 my remark upon Avignon, which is this: 
 That I think it wrong, merely because a 
 man's hat has been blown off his head by 
 chance the first night he comes to Avignon, 
 
 that he should therefore say, "Avignon 
 
 is more subject to high winds than any town 
 in all France:" for which reason I laid no 
 stress upon the accident till I had enquired 
 of the master of the inn about it, who tell- 
 10*
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ing me seriously it was so and hearing 
 
 moreover, the windiness of Avignon spoke 
 
 of in the country about as a proverb 1 
 
 set it down, merely to ask the learned what 
 
 can be the cause the consequence I saw 
 
 for they are all Dukes, Marquisses, and 
 
 Counts, there the duce a Baron, in all 
 
 Avignon so that there is scarce any talk- 
 ing to them on a windy day. 
 
 Prithee, friend, said I, take hold of my 
 
 mule for a moment for I wanted to pull 
 
 off one of my jack- boots, which hurt my 
 heel the man was standing quite idle at 
 the door of the inn, and as I had taken it 
 into my head, he was someway concerned 
 about the house or stable, I put the bridle 
 into his hand so begun with the boot: 
 when I had finished the affair, I turned 
 about to take the mule from the man, and 
 
 thank him 
 
 But Monsieur le Marquis had 
 
 walked in- 
 
 108
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XLII. 
 
 I HAD now the whole south of France, 
 from the banks of the Rhone to those 
 of the Garonne, to traverse upon my 
 mule at my own leisure at my own leisure 
 
 for I had left Death, the Lord knows 
 
 and He only how far behind me 
 
 "I have followed many a man thro' France, 
 quoth he but never at this mettlesome 
 
 rate." Still he followed, and still I 
 
 fled him but I fled him chearfully 
 
 still he pursued but, like one who pur- 
 sued his prey without hope as he lagg'd, 
 
 every step he lost, soften' d his looks 
 
 why should I fly him at this rate? 
 
 So notwithstanding all the commissary of 
 the post-office had said, I changed the mode 
 of my travelling once more; and, after so 
 precipitate and rattling a course as I had 
 run, I flattered my fancy with thinking of 
 my mule, and that I should traverse the 
 rich plains of Languedoc upon his back, as 
 slowly as foot could fall. 
 
 104
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 There is nothing more pleasing to a trav- 
 eller or more terrible to travel- writers, 
 
 than a large rich plain; especially if it is 
 without great rivers or bridges ; and pre- 
 sents nothing to the eye, but one unvaried 
 picture of plenty: for after they have once 
 told you, that 'tis delicious! or delightful 1 
 (as the case happens) that the soil was 
 grateful, and that nature pours out all her 
 abundance, &c. . . . they have then a large 
 plain upon their hands, which they know 
 not what to do with and which is of little 
 or no use to them but to carry them to 
 some town; and that town, perhaps of little 
 more, but a new place to start from to the 
 next plain and so on. 
 
 This is most terrible work; judge if I 
 don't manage my plains better. 
 
 106
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XLIII. 
 
 I HAD not gone above two leagues and 
 a half, before the man with his gun 
 began to look at his priming. 
 
 I had three several times loiter 'd terribly 
 behind; half a mile at least every time; 
 once, in deep conference with a drum-maker, 
 who was making drums for the fairs of JBau- 
 caira and Tarascone I did not understand 
 the principles 
 
 The second time, I cannot so properly 
 
 say, I stopp'd for meeting a couple of 
 
 Franciscans straitened more for time than 
 myself, and not being able to get to the 
 
 bottom of what I was about 1 had 
 
 turn'd back with them 
 
 The third, was an affair of trade with a 
 gossip, for a hand-basket of Provence figs 
 for four sous; this would have been trans- 
 acted at once; but for a case of conscience 
 at the close of it; for when the figs were 
 paid for, it turn'd out, that there were two 
 dozen of eggs cover'd over with vine-leaves 
 at the bottom of the basket as I had no 
 
 106
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 intention of buying eggs I made no sort 
 of claim of them as for the space they had 
 occupied what signified it? I had figs enow 
 for my money 
 
 But it was my intention to have the 
 basket it was the gossip's intention to keep 
 it, without which, she could do nothing with 
 
 her eggs and unless I had the basket, I 
 
 could do as little with my figs, which were 
 too ripe already, and most of 'em burst at 
 the side: this brought on a short conten- 
 tion, which terminated in sundry proposals, 
 what we should both do 
 
 How we disposed of our eggs and 
 
 figs, I defy you, or the Devil himself, had 
 he not been there (which I am persuaded 
 he was), to form the least probable con- 
 jecture: You will read the whole of it 
 
 not this year, for I am hastening to 
 
 the story of my uncle Toby's amours but 
 you will read it in the collection of those 
 which have arose out of the journey across 
 this plain and which, therefore, I call my 
 
 PLAIN STORIES. 
 
 How far my pen has been fatigued like 
 those of other travellers, in this journey of 
 
 107
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 it, over so barren a track the world must 
 judge but the traces of it, which are now 
 all set o' vibrating together this moment, 
 tell me 'tis the most fruitful and busy 
 period of my life; for as I had made no 
 convention with my man with the gun, as 
 to time by stopping and talking to every 
 soul I met, who was not in a full trot 
 joining all parties before me waiting for 
 every soul behind hailing all those who 
 were coming through cross-roads arresting 
 all kinds of beggars, pilgrims, fiddlers, friars 
 not passing by a woman in a mul- 
 berry-tree without commending her legs, 
 and tempting her into conversation with a 
 
 pinch of snuff In short, by seizing 
 
 every handle, of what size or shape soever, 
 which chance held out to me in this jour- 
 ney I turned my plain into a city I was 
 always in company, and with great variety 
 too; and as my mule loved society as much 
 as myself, and had some proposals always 
 on his part to offer to every beast he met 
 I am confident we could have passed 
 through Pall-Mail, or St James's- Street for 
 a month together, with fewer adventures 
 and seen less of human nature. 
 
 108
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 O ! there is that sprightly frankness, which 
 at once unpins every plait of a Languedo- 
 cian's dress that whatever is beneath it, 
 it looks so like the simplicity which poets 
 sing of in better days I will delude my 
 fancy, and believe it is so. 
 
 'Twas in the road betwixt Nismes and 
 Lunel, where there is the best Muscatto 
 wine in all France, and which by the bye 
 belongs to the honest canons of MONTPEL- 
 LIER and foul befal the man who has 
 drank it at their table, who grudges them 
 a drop of it. 
 
 The sun was set they had done 
 
 their work; the nymphs had tied up their 
 hair afresh and the swains were preparing 
 
 for a carousal my mule made a dead 
 
 point ' Tis the fife and tabourin, said 
 
 I I'm frighten' d to death, quoth he 
 
 They are running at the ring of pleasure, 
 
 said I, giving him a prick By saint 
 
 Boogar, and all the saints at the backside 
 of the door of purgatory, said he (making 
 the same resolution with the abbesse of 
 
 Andouillets) I'll not go a step further 
 
 'Tis very well, sir, said I 1 never will 
 
 argue a point with one of your family, as 
 
 109
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 long as I live; so leaping off his back, and 
 kicking off one boot into this ditch, and 
 t'other into that I'll take a dance, said I 
 so stay you here. 
 
 A sun-burnt daughter of Labour rose up 
 from the groupe to meet me, as I advanced 
 towards them; her hair, which was a dark 
 chesnut, approaching rather to a black, was 
 tied up in a knot, all but a single tress. 
 
 We want a cavalier, said she, holding out 
 both her hands, as if to offer them And a 
 cavalier ye shall have; said I, taking hold 
 of both of them. 
 
 Hadst thou, Nannette, been array 'd like a 
 dutchesse ! 
 
 But that cursed slit in thy petticoat! 
 
 Nannette cared not for it. 
 
 We could not have done without you, 
 said she, letting go one hand, with self- 
 taught politeness, leading me up with the 
 other. 
 
 A lame youth, whom Apollo had recom- 
 pensed with a pipe, and to which he had 
 added a tabourin of his own accord, ran 
 sweetly over the prelude, as he sat upon 
 
 the bank Tie me up this tress instantly, 
 
 said Nannette, putting a piece of string into 
 no
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 my hand It taught me to forget I was a 
 
 stranger The whole knot fell down 
 
 We had been seven years acquainted. 
 
 The youth struck the note upon the 
 tabourin his pipe followed, and off we 
 bounded "the duce take that slit!" 
 
 The sister of the youth, who had stolen 
 her voice from heaven, sung alternately with 
 her brother 'twas a Gascoigne roundelay. 
 
 VIVA LA JOIA! 
 FIDON LA TRISTESSA! 
 
 The nymphs join'd in unison, and their 
 
 swains an octave below them 
 
 I would have given a crown to have it 
 sew'd up Nannette would not have given 
 a sous Viva lajoiaf was in her lips Viva 
 la Joiaf was in her eyes. A transient spark 
 of amity shot across the space betwixt us 
 
 She look'd amiable! Why could I 
 
 not live, and end my days thus ? Just 
 Disposer of our joys and sorrows, cried I, 
 why could not a man sit down in the lap 
 
 of content here and dance, and sing, and 
 
 say his prayers, and go to heaven with this 
 nut-brown maid ? Capriciously did she bend 
 
 in
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 her head on one side, and dance up insidi- 
 ous Then 'tis time to dance off, quoth 
 
 I; so changing only partners and tunes, I 
 danced it away from Lunel to Montpellier 
 
 from thence to Pescnas, Beziers 1 
 
 danced it along through Narbonne, Carcas- 
 son, and Castle Naudairy, till at last I 
 danced myself into Perdrillo's pavillion, 
 where pulling out a paper of black lines, 
 that I might go on straight forwards, with- 
 out digression or parenthesis, in my uncle 
 
 Toby's amours 
 
 I begun thus 
 
 119
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT. 
 BOOK VIII. 
 
 B 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 UT softly for in these sportive 
 
 plains, and under this genial sun, 
 where at this instant all flesh is 
 running out piping, fiddling, and dancing to 
 the vintage, and every step that's taken, the 
 judgment is surprised by the imagination, I 
 defy, notwithstanding all that has been said 
 upon straight lines* in sundry pages of my 
 book I defy the best cabbage planter that 
 ever existed, whether he plants backwards 
 
 *Vid. Vol. Ill, pp. 231, 232. 
 
 113
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 or forwards, it makes little difference in the 
 account (except that he will have more to 
 answer for in the one case than in the 
 other) I defy him to go on coolly, critic- 
 ally, and canonically, planting his cabbages 
 one by one, in straight lines, and stoical dis- 
 tances, especially if slits in petticoats are 
 unsew'd up without ever and anon strad- 
 dling out, or sidling into some bastardly 
 
 digression In Freeze-land, Fog-land, and 
 
 some other lands I wot of it may be 
 done 
 
 But in this clear climate of fantasy and 
 perspiration, where every idea, sensible and 
 insensible, gets vent in this land, my dear 
 Eugenius in this fertile land of chivalry 
 and romance, where I now sit, unskrew- 
 ing my ink-horn to write my uncle Toby's 
 amours, and with all the meanders of 
 JULIA'S track in quest of her DIEGO, in 
 full view of my study window if thou 
 comest not and takest me by the hand 
 
 What a work it is likely to turn out! 
 
 Let us begin it. 
 
 114
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 i 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 T is with LOVE as with CUCKOLDOM- 
 
 But now I am talking of beginning a 
 book, and have long had a thing upon 
 my mind to be imparted to the reader, 
 which, if not imparted now, can never be 
 imparted to him as long as I live (whereas 
 the COMPARISON may be imparted to him 
 
 any hour in the day) I'll just mention 
 
 it, and begin in good earnest. 
 
 The thing is this. 
 
 That of all the several ways of beginning 
 a book which are now hi practice through- 
 out the known world, I am confident my 
 
 own way of doing it is the best I'm 
 
 sure it is the most religious for I begin 
 
 with writing the first sentence and trust- 
 ing to Almighty God for the second. 
 
 'T would cure an author for ever of the 
 fuss and folly of opening his street-door, 
 and calling in his neighbours and friends, 
 and kinsfolk, with the devil and all his 
 imps, with their hammers and engines, &c. 
 
 115
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 only to observe how one sentence of mine 
 follows another, and how the plan follows 
 the whole. 
 
 I wish you saw me half starting out of 
 my chair, with what confidence, as I grasp 
 
 the elbow of it, I look up catching the 
 
 idea, even sometimes before it half way 
 reaches me 
 
 I believe in my conscience I intercept 
 many a thought which heaven intended for 
 another man. 
 
 Pope and his Portrait* are fools to me 
 
 no martyr is ever so full of faith or 
 
 fire 1 wish I could say of good works 
 
 too but I have no 
 
 Zeal or Anger or 
 
 Anger or Zeal 
 
 And till gods and men agree together to 
 
 call it by the same name the errantest 
 
 TARTUFFE, in science in politics or in re- 
 ligion, shall never kindle a spark within me, 
 or have a worse word, or a more unkind 
 greeting, than what he will read in the next 
 chapter. 
 
 *Vid. Pops' t Portrait. 
 116
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Bon jour! good-morrow! so you 
 
 have got your cloak on betimes! but 'tis 
 
 a cold morning, and you judge the matter 
 
 rightly 'tis better to be well mounted, 
 
 than go o' foot and obstructions in the 
 
 glands are dangerous And how goes it 
 
 with thy concubine thy wife, and thy 
 little ones o' both sides? and when did you 
 hear from the old gentleman and lady 
 
 your sister, aunt, uncle, and cousins 1 
 
 hope they have got better of their colds, 
 coughs, claps, tooth-aches, fevers, stranguries, 
 sciaticas, swellings, and sore-eyes. 
 
 What a devil of an apothecary! to 
 
 take so much blood give such a vile purge 
 puke poultice plaister night-draught 
 
 clyster blister? And why so many grains 
 
 of calomel? santa Maria! and such a dose of 
 opium! periclitating, pardi! the whole family 
 of ye, from head to tail By my great- 
 aunt Dinah's old black velvet mask ! I think 
 there was no occasion for it. 
 
 117
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Now this being a little bald about the 
 chin, by frequently putting off and on, be- 
 fore she was got with child by the coach- 
 man not one of our family would wear it 
 after. To cover the MASK afresh, was more 
 
 than the mask was worth and to wear a 
 
 mask which was bald, or which could be 
 half seen through, was as bad as having no 
 mask at all 
 
 This is the reason, may it please your 
 reverences, that in all our numerous family, 
 for these four generations, we count no 
 more than one archbishop, a Welch judge, 
 some three or four aldermen, and a single 
 mountebank 
 
 In the sixteenth century, we boast of no 
 less than a dozen alchymists. 
 
 i 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 T is with Love as with Cuckoldom" 
 the suffering party is at least the 
 third, but generally the last in the 
 house who knows any thing about the mat- 
 ter: this comes, as all the world knows, 
 
 118
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 from having half a dozen words for one 
 thing; and so long, as what in this vessel 
 of the human frame, is Love may be 
 
 Hatred, in that Sentiment half a yard 
 
 higher and Nonsense no, Mad- 
 am, not there 1 mean at the part I am 
 
 now pointing to with my forefinger how 
 
 can we help ourselves? 
 
 Of all mortal, and immortal men too, if 
 you please, who ever soliloquized upon this 
 mystic subject, my uncle Toby was the worst 
 fitted, to have push'd his researches, thro' 
 such a contention of feelings; and he had 
 infallibly let them all run on, as we do 
 worse matters, to see what they would turn 
 
 out had not Bridget's pre-notification of 
 
 them to Susannah, and Susannah's repeated 
 manifestoes thereupon to all the world, made 
 it necessary for my uncle Toby to look into 
 the affair. 
 
 119
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 WHY weavers, gardeners, and gladiators 
 or a man with a pined leg (pro- 
 ceeding from some ailment in the 
 foot) should ever have had some tender 
 nymph breaking her heart in secret for 
 them, are points well and duly settled and 
 accounted for, by ancient and modern physi- 
 ologists. 
 
 A water-drinker, provided he is a profess'd 
 one, and does it without fraud or covin, is 
 precisely in the same predicament : not that, 
 at first sight, there is any consequence, or 
 show of logic in it, "That a rill of cold 
 water dribbling through my inward parts, 
 should light up a torch in my Jenny's " 
 
 The proposition does not strike one; 
 
 on the contrary, it seems to run opposite 
 to the natural workings of causes and 
 effects 
 
 But it shews the weakness and imbecility 
 of human reason. 
 
 120
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 "And in perfect good health with it?" 
 
 The most perfect, Madam, that friend- 
 ship herself could wish me 
 
 "And drink nothing! nothing but 
 water?" 
 
 Impetuous fluid ! the moment thou 
 pressest against the flood-gates of the brain 
 see how they give way! 
 
 In swims CURIOSITY, beckoning to her 
 damsels to follow they dive into the cen- 
 tre of the current 
 
 FANCY sits musing upon the bank, and 
 with her eyes following the stream, turns 
 straws and bulrushes into masts and bow- 
 sprits And DESIRE, with vest held up 
 
 to the knee in one hand, snatches at them, 
 as they swim by her with the other 
 
 O ye water-drinkers! is it then by this 
 delusive fountain, that ye have so often 
 governed and turn'd this world about like 
 a mill-wheel grinding the faces of the impo- 
 tent be-powdering their ribs be-peppering 
 their noses, and changing sometimes even 
 the very frame and face of nature 
 
 If I was you, quoth Yorick, I would drink 
 more water, Eugenius And, if I was you, 
 Yorick, replied Eugenius, so would I. 
 
 121
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Which shews they had both read Long- 
 inus 
 
 For my own part, I am resolved never to 
 read any book but my own, as long as I 
 live. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 I WISH my uncle Toby had been a 
 water-drinker; for then the thing had 
 been accounted for, That the first mo- 
 ment Widow Wadman saw him, she felt 
 something stirring within her in his favour 
 Something ! something. 
 
 Something perhaps more than friend- 
 ship less than love something no matter 
 what no matter where I would not give 
 a single hah* off my mule's tail, and be 
 obliged to pluck it off myself (indeed the 
 villain has not many to spare, and is not a 
 little vicious into the bargain), to be let by 
 
 your worships into the secret 
 
 But the truth is, my uncle Toby was not 
 a water-drinker ; he drank it neither pure 
 nor mix'd, or any how, or any where, ex- 
 
 122
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 cept fortuitously upon some advanced posts, 
 
 where better liquor was not to be had 
 
 or during the time he was under cure; 
 when the surgeon telling him it would 
 extend the fibres, and bring them sooner 
 
 into contact my uncle Toby drank it for 
 
 quietness sake. 
 
 Now as all the world knows, that no effect 
 in nature can be produced without a cause, 
 and as it is as well known, that my uncle 
 Toby was neither a weaver a gardener, or 
 
 a gladiator unless as a captain, you will 
 
 needs have him one but then he was only 
 a captain of foot and besides, the whole is 
 
 an equivocation There is nothing left for 
 
 us to suppose, but that my uncle Toby's 
 
 leg but that will avail us little in the 
 
 present hypothesis, unless it had proceeded 
 from some ailment in the foot whereas his 
 leg was not emaciated from any disorder in 
 his foot for my uncle Toby's leg was not 
 emaciated at all. It was a little stiff and 
 awkward, from a total disuse of it, for the 
 three years he lay confined at my father's 
 house in town; but it was plump and mus- 
 cular, and in all other respects as good and 
 promising a leg as the other. 
 
 123
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 I declare, I do not recollect any one 
 opinion or passage of my life, where my 
 understanding was more at a loss to make 
 ends meet, and torture the chapter I had 
 been writing, to the service of the chapter 
 following it, than in the present case: one 
 would think I took a pleasure in running 
 into difficulties of this kind, merely to make 
 
 fresh experiments of getting out of 'em 
 
 Inconsiderate soul that thou art! What! are 
 not the unavoidable distresses with which, 
 as an author and a man, thou art hemm'd 
 in on every side of thee are they, Tris- 
 tram, not sufficient, but thou must entangle 
 thyself still more ? 
 
 Is it not enough that thou art in debt, 
 and that thou hast ten cart-loads of thy 
 fifth and sixth volumes* still still unsold, 
 and art almost at thy wit's ends, how to 
 get them off thy hands. 
 
 To this hour art thou not tormented with 
 the vile asthma that thou gattest in skating 
 against the wind in Flanders? and is it but 
 two months ago, that in a fit of laughter, 
 on seeing a cardinal make water like a quir- 
 ister (with both hands) thou brakest a vessel 
 
 * Alluding to the first edition. 
 124
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 in thy lungs, whereby, in two hours, thou 
 lost as many quarts of blood; and hadst 
 thou lost as much more, did not the faculty 
 
 tell thee it would have amounted to a 
 
 gallon ? 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 But for heaven's sake, let us not talk 
 
 of quarts or gallons let us take the story 
 
 straight before us; it is so nice and intricate 
 a one, it will scarce bear the transposition of 
 a single tittle; and, somehow or other, you 
 have got me thrust almost into the middle 
 of it 
 
 I beg we may take more care. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 MY uncle Toby and the corporal had 
 posted down with so much heat and 
 precipitation, to take possession of 
 the spot of ground we have so often spoke 
 
 195
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of, in order to open their campaign as early 
 as the rest of the allies; that they had for- 
 got one of the most necessary articles of 
 the whole affair; it was neither a pioneer's 
 spade, a pickax, or a shovel 
 
 It was a bed to lie on: so that as 
 Shandy Hall was at that time unfurnished; 
 and the little inn where poor Le Fever 
 died, not yet built; my uncle Toby was 
 constrained to accept of a bed at Mrs Wad- 
 man's, for a night or two, till corporal Trim 
 (who to the character of an excellent valet, 
 groom, cook, sempster, surgeon, and engi- 
 neer, superadded that of an excellent uphol- 
 sterer too), with the help of a carpenter and 
 a couple of taylors, constructed one in my 
 uncle Toby's house. 
 
 A daughter of Eve, for such was widow 
 Wadman, and 'tis all the character I intend 
 to give of her 
 
 "That she was a perfect woman " had 
 better be fifty leagues off or in her warm 
 bed or playing with a case-knife or any 
 thing you please than make a man the 
 object of her attention, when the house and 
 all the furniture is her own. 
 
 There is nothing in it out of doors and 
 
 126
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 >' 
 
 in broad day-light, where a woman has a 
 power, physically speaking, of viewing a 
 man in more lights than one but here, for 
 her soul, she can see him in no light with- 
 out mixing something of her own goods 
 and chattels along with him till by re- 
 iterated acts of such combination, he gets 
 foisted into her inventory 
 
 And then good night. 
 
 But this is not matter of SYSTEM; for I 
 have delivered that above nor is it mat- 
 ter of BREVIARY for I make no man's 
 
 creed but my own nor matter of FACT 
 
 at least that I know of; but 'tis matter 
 
 copulative and introductory to what follows. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 I DO not speak it with regard to the 
 coarseness or cleanness of them or 
 
 the strength of their gussets but 
 
 pray do not night-shifts differ from day- 
 shifts as much in this particular, as in any 
 
 127
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 thing else in the world; That they so far 
 exceed the others in length, that when you 
 are laid down in them, they fall almost as 
 much below the feet, as the day-shifts fall 
 short of them? 
 
 Widow Wadman's night-shifts (as was the 
 mode I suppose in King William's and Queen 
 Anne's reigns) were cut however after this 
 fashion; and if the fashion is changed (for 
 
 in Italy they are come to nothing) so 
 
 much the worse for the public; they were 
 two Flemish ells and a half in length ; so 
 that allowing a moderate woman two ells, 
 she had half an ell to spare, to do what she 
 would with. 
 
 Now from one little indulgence gained 
 after another, in the many bleak and decem- 
 berly nights of a seven years widowhood, 
 things had insensibly come to this pass, and 
 for the two last years had got establish' d 
 into one of the ordinances of the bed-cham- 
 ber That as soon as Mrs Wadman was put 
 to bed, and had got her legs stretched down 
 to the bottom of it, of which she always 
 gave Bridget notice Bridget, with all suit- 
 able decorum, having first open'd the bed- 
 cloaths at the feet, took hold of the half-ell 
 
 128
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 of cloth we were speaking of, and having 
 gently, and with both her hands, drawn it 
 downwards to its furthest extension, and 
 then contracted it again side-long by four 
 or five even plaits, she took a large corking 
 pin out of her sleeve, and with the point 
 directed towards her, pinn'd the plaits all 
 fast together a little above the hem; which 
 done, she tuck'd all in tight at the feet, 
 and wish'd her mistress a good night. 
 
 This was constant, and without any other 
 variation than this; that on shivering and 
 tempestuous nights, when Bridget untuck' d 
 
 the feet of the bed, &c. to do this she 
 
 consulted no thermometer but that of her 
 own passions; and so performed it standing 
 kneeling or squatting, according to the 
 different degrees of faith, hope, and charity, 
 she was in, and bore towards her mistress that 
 night. In every other respect, the etiquette 
 was sacred, and might have vied with the 
 most mechanical one of the most inflexible 
 bed-chamber in Christendom. 
 
 The first night, as soon as the corporal 
 had conducted my uncle Toby up stairs, 
 
 which was about ten Mrs Wadman threw 
 
 herself into her arm-chair, and crossing her 
 
 129
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 left knee with her right, which formed a 
 resting-place for her elbow, she reclin'd her 
 cheek upon the palm of her hand, and lean- 
 ing forwards, ruminated till midnight upon 
 both sides of the question. 
 
 The second night she went to her bureau, 
 and having ordered Bridget to bring her up 
 a couple of fresh candles and leave them 
 upon the table, she took out her marriage- 
 settlement, and read it over with great de- 
 votion: and the third night (which was the 
 last of my uncle Toby's stay) when Bridget 
 had pull'd down the night-shift, and was 
 assaying to stick in the corking pin 
 
 -With a kick of both heels at once, 
 
 but at the same time the most natural kick 
 
 that could be kick'd in her situation for 
 
 supposing ********* to be the sun 
 
 in its meridian, it was a north-east kick 
 
 she kick'd the pin out of her fingers the 
 
 etiquette which hung upon it, down down 
 
 it fell to the ground, and was shiver'd into 
 a thousand atoms. 
 
 From all which it was plain that widow 
 Wadman was in love with my uncle Toby. 
 
 ISO
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 MY uncle Toby's head at that time was 
 full of other matters, so that it was 
 not till the demolition of Dunkirk, 
 when all the other civilities of Europe were 
 settled, that he found leisure to return this. 
 
 This made an armistice (that is speaking 
 with regard to my uncle Toby but with 
 respect to Mrs Wadman, a vacancy) of 
 almost eleven years. But in all cases of 
 this nature, as it is the second blow, hap- 
 pen at what distance of time it will, which 
 
 makes the fray 1 chuse for that reason 
 
 to call these the amours of my uncle Toby 
 with Mrs Wadman, rather than the amours 
 of Mrs Wadman with my uncle Toby. 
 
 This is not a distinction without a differ- 
 ence. 
 
 It is not like the affair of an old hat 
 
 cock'd and a cock'd old hat, about which 
 
 your reverences have so often been at odds 
 with one another but there is a differ- 
 ence here in the nature of things 
 
 131
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 And let me tell you, gentry, a wide one 
 too. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 NOW as widow Wadman did love my 
 uncle Toby and my uncle Toby 
 
 did not love widow Wadman, there 
 was nothing for widow Wadman to do, but 
 
 to go on and love my uncle Toby or let 
 
 it alone. 
 
 Widow Wadman would do neither the one 
 or the other 
 
 Gracious heaven! but I forget I 
 
 am a little of her temper myself; for when- 
 ever it so falls out, which it sometimes does 
 about the equinoxes, that an earthly goddess 
 is so much this, and that, and t'other, that 
 
 I cannot eat my breakfast for her and 
 
 that she careth not three halfpence whether 
 I eat my breakfast or no 
 
 Curse on her! and so I send her to 
 
 Tartary, and from Tartary to Terra del 
 Fuogo, and so on to the devil: in short, 
 
 132
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 there is not an infernal nitch where I do 
 not take her divinityship and stick it. 
 
 But as the heart is tender, and the pas- 
 sions in these tides ebb and flow ten times 
 in a minute, I instantly bring her back 
 again; and as I do all things in extremes, 
 I place her in the very centre of the milky- 
 way 
 
 Brightest of stars! thou wilt shed thy in- 
 fluence upon some one 
 
 The duce take her and her influence 
 
 too for at that word I lose all patience 
 
 much good may it do him! By all 
 
 that is hirsute and gashly! I cry, taking off 
 my furr'd cap, and twisting it round my 
 
 finger 1 would not give sixpence for a 
 
 dozen such! 
 
 But 'tis an excellent cap too (putting 
 
 it upon my head, and pressing it close to 
 my ears) and warm and soft; especially 
 if you stroke it the right way but alas! 
 
 that will never be my luck (so here my 
 
 philosophy is shipwreck 'd again). 
 
 No; I shall never have a finger in 
 
 the pye (so here I break my metaphor) 
 
 Crust and Crumb 
 
 Inside and out 
 
 133
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Top and bottom - 1 detest it, I hate it, 
 I repudiate it - I'm sick at the sight of 
 
 'Tis all pepper, 
 garlick, 
 staragen, 
 salt, and 
 
 devil's dung - by the great arch- 
 cook of cooks, who does nothing, I think, 
 from morning to night, but sit down by the 
 fire-side and invent inflammatory dishes for 
 us, I would not touch it for the world - 
 - O Tristram! Tristram! cried Jenny. 
 O Jenny! Jenny! replied I, and so went 
 on with the twelfth chapter. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Not touch it for the world," did I 
 
 Lord, how I have heated my imagination 
 with this metaphor! 
 
 154
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 WHICH shews, let your reverences and 
 worships say what you will of it (for 
 
 as for thinking all who do think 
 
 think pretty much alike, both upon it and 
 
 other matters) LOVE is certainly, at least 
 
 alphabetically speaking, one of the most 
 
 A gitating 
 
 B ewitching 
 
 C onfounded 
 
 D evilish affairs of life the most 
 
 E xtravagant 
 
 F utilitous 
 
 G alligaskinish 
 
 H andy- dandyish 
 
 I racundulous (there is no K to it) and 
 
 L yrical of all human passions: at the 
 same time, the most 
 
 M isgiving 
 
 N innyhammering 
 
 O bstipating 
 
 P ragmatical 
 
 S tridulous 
 
 R idiculous though by the bye the R 
 
 m
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 should have gone first But in short 'tis of 
 such a nature, as my father once told my 
 uncle Toby upon the close of a long dis- 
 sertation upon the subject "You can 
 
 scarce," said he, "combine two ideas to- 
 gether upon it, brother Toby, without an 
 
 hypallage" What's that? cried my uncle 
 
 Toby. 
 
 The cart before the horse, replied my 
 father 
 
 And what is he to do there? cried 
 
 my uncle Toby 
 
 Nothing, quoth my father, but to get in 
 or let it alone. 
 
 Now widow Wadman, as I told you 
 before, would do neither the one or the 
 other. 
 
 She stood however ready harnessed and 
 caparisoned at all points, to watch acci- 
 dents. 
 
 186
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 Fates, who certainly all foreknew 
 A of these amours of widow Wadman 
 and my uncle Toby, had, from the 
 first creation of matter and motion (and 
 with more courtesy than they usually do 
 things of this kind) established such a chain 
 of causes and effects hanging so fast to one 
 another, that it was scarce possible for my 
 uncle Toby to have dwelt in any other house 
 hi the world, or to have occupied any other 
 garden in Christendom, but the very house 
 and garden which join'd and laid parallel to 
 Mrs Wadman 's ; this, with the advantage of 
 a thickset arbour in Mrs Wadman's garden, 
 but planted in the hedge-row of my uncle 
 Toby's, put all the occasions into her hands 
 which Love-militancy wanted ; she could 
 observe my uncle Toby's motions, and was 
 mistress likewise of his councils of war; and 
 as his unsuspecting heart had given leave 
 to the corporal, through the mediation of 
 Bridget, to make her a wicker-gate of com- 
 
 137
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 munication to enlarge her walks, it enabled 
 her to carry on her approaches to the very 
 door of the sentry-box; and sometimes out 
 of gratitude, to make an attack, and en- 
 deavour to blow my uncle Toby up in the 
 very sentry-box itself. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 IT is a great pity but 'tis certain from 
 every day's observation of man, that 
 he may be set on fire like a candle, at 
 either end provided there is a sufficient 
 wick standing out; if there is not there's 
 an end of the affair; and if there is by 
 lighting it at the bottom, as the flame in 
 that case has the misfortune generally to 
 put out itself there's an end of the affair 
 again. 
 
 For my part, could I always have the 
 ordering of it which way I would be burnt 
 myself for I cannot bear the thoughts of 
 being burnt like a beast I would oblige a 
 housewife constantly to light me at the top; 
 
 138
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 for then I should burn down decently to 
 the socket; that is, from my head to my 
 heart, from my heart to my liver, from my 
 liver to my bowels, and so on by the mese- 
 raick veins and arteries, through all the turns 
 and lateral insertions of the intestines and 
 their tunicles, to the blind gut 
 
 1 beseech you, doctor Slop, quoth my 
 
 uncle Toby, interrupting him as he mentioned 
 the blind gut, in a discourse with my father 
 the night my mother was brought to bed of 
 
 me 1 beseech you, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 
 to tell me which is the blind gut; for, old 
 as I am, I vow I do not know to this day 
 where it lies. 
 
 The blind gut, answered doctor Slop, lies 
 betwixt the Ilion and Colon 
 
 In a man? said my father. 
 
 'Tis precisely the same, cried doctor 
 
 Slop, in a woman. 
 
 That's more than I know; quoth my 
 father. 
 
 m
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 And so to make sure of both sys- 
 tems, Mrs Wadman predetermined to light 
 my uncle Toby neither at this end or that; 
 but, like a prodigal's candle, to light him, 
 if possible, at both ends at once. 
 
 Now, through all the lumber rooms of 
 military furniture, including both of horse 
 and foot, from the great arsenal of Venice 
 to the Tower of London (exclusive), if Mrs 
 Wadman had been rummaging for seven 
 years together, and with Bridget to help 
 her, she could not have found any one 
 blind or mantelet so fit for her purpose, as 
 that which the expediency of my uncle 
 Toby's affairs had fix'd up ready to her 
 hands. 
 
 I believe I have not told you but I 
 
 don't know possibly I have be it as 
 
 it will, 'tis one of the number of those 
 many things, which a man had better do 
 over again, than dispute about it That 
 whatever town or fortress the corporal was 
 at work upon, during the course of their 
 
 140
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 campaign, my uncle Toby always took care, 
 on the inside of his sentry-box, which was 
 towards his left hand, to have a plan of the 
 place, fasten'd up with two or three pins at 
 the top, but loose at the bottom, for the 
 conveniency of holding it up to the eye, &c. 
 . . . as occasions required; so that when an 
 attack was resolved upon, Mrs Wadman had 
 nothing more to do, when she had got ad- 
 vanced to the door of the sentry-box, but 
 to extend her right hand ; and edging in 
 her left foot at the same movement, to 
 take hold of the map or plan, or upright, 
 or whatever it was, and with out-stretched 
 neck meeting it half way, to advance it 
 towards her ; on which my uncle Toby's 
 
 passions were sure to catch fire for he 
 
 would instantly take hold of the other cor- 
 ner of the map in his left hand, and with 
 the end of his pipe in the other, begin an 
 explanation. 
 
 When the attack was advanced to this 
 
 point; the world will naturally enter into 
 
 the reasons of Mrs Wadmari's next stroke 
 
 of generalship which was, to take my 
 
 uncle Toby's tobacco-pipe out of his hand 
 as soon as she possibly could; which, under 
 
 141
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 one pretence or other, but generally that of 
 pointing more distinctly at some redoubt or 
 breastwork in the map, she would effect be- 
 fore my uncle Toby (poor soul!) had well 
 march 'd above half a dozen toises with it. 
 
 It obliged my uncle Toby to make use 
 of his forefinger. 
 
 The difference it made in the attack was 
 this; That in going upon it, as in the first 
 case, with the end of her forefinger against 
 the end of my uncle Toby's tobacco-pipe, 
 she might have travelled with it, along the 
 lines, from Dan to Beersheba, had my uncle 
 Toby's lines reach' d so far, without any 
 effect: For as there was no arterial or vital 
 heat in the end of the tobacco-pipe, it could 
 
 excite no sentiment it could neither give 
 
 fire by pulsation or receive it by sym- 
 pathy 'twas nothing but smoke. 
 
 Whereas, in following my uncle Toby's 
 forefinger with hers, close thro' all the little 
 turns and indentings of his works press- 
 ing sometimes against the side of it then 
 
 treading upon its nail then tripping it 
 
 up then touching it here then there, 
 
 and so on it set something at least in 
 
 motion. 
 
 Mi
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 This, tho' slight skirmishing, and at a dis- 
 tance from the main body, yet drew on the 
 rest; for here, the map usually falling with 
 the back of it, close to the side of the 
 sentry-box, my uncle Toby, in the sim- 
 plicity of his soul, would lay his hand flat 
 upon it, in order to go on with his explana- 
 tion; and Mrs Wadman, by a manoeuvre as 
 quick as thought, would as certainly place 
 her's close beside it: this at once opened a 
 communication, large enough for any sen- 
 timent to pass or repass, which a person 
 skill 'd in the elementary and practical part 
 of love-making, has occasion for 
 
 By bringing up her forefinger parallel (as 
 before) to my uncle Toby's it unavoid- 
 ably brought the thumb into action and 
 
 the forefinger and thumb being once en- 
 gaged, as naturally brought in the whole 
 hand. Thine, dear uncle Toby! was never 
 
 now in its right place Mrs Wadman had 
 
 it ever to take up, or, with the gentlest 
 pushings, protrusions, and equivocal com- 
 pressions, that a hand to be removed is 
 
 capable of receiving to get it press 'd a 
 
 hair breadth of one side out of her way. 
 
 Whilst this was doing, how could she 
 
 143
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 forget to make him sensible, that it was 
 her leg (and no one's else) at the bottom 
 of the sentry-box, which slightly press'd 
 
 against the calf of his So that my uncle 
 
 Toby being thus attacked and sore push'd 
 
 on both his wings was it a wonder, if 
 
 now and then, it put his centre into dis- 
 order ? 
 
 -The duce take it 1 said my uncle 
 
 Toby. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 THESE attacks of Mrs Wadman, you 
 will readily conceive to be of different 
 kinds ; varying from each other, like 
 the attacks which history is full of, and 
 from the same reasons. A general looker- 
 on, would scarce allow them to be attacks 
 
 at all or if he did, would confound them 
 
 all together but I write not to them: it 
 
 will be time enough to be a little more 
 exact in my descriptions of them, as I 
 come up to them, which will not be for 
 
 144
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 some chapters ; having nothing more to add 
 in this, but that in a bundle of original 
 papers and drawings which my father took 
 care to roll up by themselves, there is a 
 plan of Bouchain in perfect preservation 
 (and shall be kept so, whilst I have power 
 to preserve any thing), upon the lower cor- 
 ner of which, on the right hand side, there 
 is still remaining the marks of a snuffy fin- 
 ger and thumb, which there is all the reason 
 in the world to imagine, were Mrs Wad- 
 man's; for the opposite side of the margin, 
 which I suppose to have been my uncle 
 Toby's, is absolutely clean: This seems an 
 authenticated record of one of these attacks; 
 for there are vestigia of the two punctures 
 partly grown up, but still visible on the op- 
 posite-corner of the map, which are unques- 
 tionably the very holes, through which it has 
 
 been pricked up in the sentry-box 
 
 By all that is priestly! I value this pre- 
 cious relick, with its stigmata and pricks, 
 more than all the relicks of the Romish 
 
 church always excepting, when I am 
 
 writing upon these matters, the pricks 
 which entered the flesh of St Radagunda 
 in the desert, which in your road from 
 
 145
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 FESSE to CLUNY, the nuns of that name 
 will shew you for love. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 I THINK, an' please your honour, quoth 
 Trim, the fortifications are quite de- 
 stroyed and the bason is upon a 
 
 level with the mole 1 think so too; re- 
 plied my uncle Toby with a sigh half sup- 
 press 'd but step into the parlour, Trim, 
 
 for the stipulation it lies upon the table. 
 
 It has lain there these six weeks, replied 
 the corporal, till this very morning that the 
 old woman kindled the fire with it 
 
 Then, said my uncle Toby, there is 
 
 no further occasion for our services. The 
 more, an' please your honour, the pity, said 
 the corporal; in uttering which he cast his 
 spade into the wheel- barrow, which was be- 
 side him, with an air the most expressive 
 of disconsolation that can be imagined, and 
 was heavily turning about to look for his 
 pickax, his pioneer's shovel, his picquets and 
 
 146
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 other little military stores, in order to carry 
 
 them off the field when a heigh-ho ! 
 
 from the sentry-box, which, being made of 
 thin slit deal, reverberated the sound more 
 sorrowfully to his ear, forbad him. 
 
 No ; said the corporal to himself, I'll 
 
 do it before his honour rises to-morrow 
 morning; so taking his spade out of the 
 wheel-barrow again, with a little earth in 
 it, as if to level something at the foot of 
 the glacis but with a real intent to ap- 
 proach nearer to his master, in order to 
 
 divert him he loosen' d a sod or two 
 
 pared their edges with his spade, and hav- 
 ing given them a gentle blow or two with 
 the back of it, he sat himself down close 
 by my uncle Toby's feet, and began as fol- 
 lows. 
 
 14T
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 IT was a thousand pities though I be- 
 lieve, an' please your honour, I am 
 going to say but a foolish kind of a 
 thing for a soldier 
 
 A soldier, cried my uncle Toby, inter- 
 rupting the corporal, is no more exempt 
 from saying a foolish thing, Trim, than a 
 
 man of letters But not so often, an' 
 
 please your honour, replied the corporal 
 
 My uncle Toby gave a nod. 
 
 It was a thousand pities then, said the 
 corporal, casting his eye upon Dunkirk, and 
 the mole, as Servius Sulpicius, in returning 
 out of Asia (when he sailed from jffigina 
 towards Megard), did upon Corinth and 
 Pyreus 
 
 "It was a thousand pities, an' please 
 your honour, to destroy these works- 
 and a thousand pities to have let thei 
 stood." 
 
 Thou art right, Trim, in both cases; 
 
 said my uncle Toby. This, continued the 
 
 148
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 corporal, is the reason, that from the begin- 
 ning of their demolition to the end 1 
 
 have never once whistled, or sung, or 
 laugh'd, or cry'd, or talk'd of past done 
 deeds, or told your honour one story good 
 or bad 
 
 Thou hast many excellencies, Trim, 
 
 said my uncle Toby, and I hold it not the 
 least of them, as thou happenest to be a 
 story-teller, that of the number thou hast 
 told me, either to amuse me in my pain- 
 ful hours, or divert me in my grave ones 
 thou hast seldom told me a bad one 
 
 Because, an' please your honour, ex- 
 cept one of a King of Bohemia and his 
 seven castles, they are all true ; for they 
 are about myself 
 
 I do not like the subject the worse, 
 Trim, said my uncle Toby, on that score: 
 But prithee what is this story? thou hast 
 excited my curiosity. 
 
 I'll tell it your honou^ quoth the cor- 
 poral, directly Provided, said my uncle 
 Toby, looking earnestly towards Dunkirk 
 
 and the mole again provided it is not a 
 
 merry one; to such, Trim, a man should 
 ever bring one half of the entertainment 
 
 149
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 along with him; and the disposition I am 
 in at present would wrong both thee, Trim, 
 
 and thy story It is not a merry one by 
 
 any means, replied the corporal Nor would 
 I have it altogether a grave one, added my 
 
 uncle Toby It is neither the one nor the 
 
 other, replied the corporal, but will suit your 
 
 honour exactly Then I'll thank thee for 
 
 it with all my heart, cried my uncle Toby; 
 so prithee begin it, Trim. 
 
 The corporal made his reverence ; and 
 though it is not so easy a matter as the 
 world imagines, to pull off a lank Montero- 
 
 cap with grace or a whit less difficult, in 
 
 my conceptions, when a man is sitting squat 
 upon the ground, to make a bow so teem- 
 ing with respect as the corporal was wont, 
 yet by suffering the palm of his right hand, 
 which was towards his master, to slip back- 
 wards upon the grass, a little beyond his 
 body, in order to allow it the greater sweep 
 
 and by an unforced compression, at the 
 
 same time, of his cap with the thumb and 
 the two forefingers of his left, by which the 
 diameter of the cap became reduced, so that 
 it might be said, rather to be insensibly 
 squeez'd than pull'd off with a flatus 
 
 150
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the corporal acquitted himself of both in a 
 better manner than the posture of his affairs 
 promised ; and having hemmed twice, to find 
 in what key his story would best go, and best 
 suit his master's humour, he exchanged a 
 single look of kindness with him, and set off 
 thus. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND 
 HIS SEVEN CASTLES. 
 
 THERE was a certain king of Bo - - 
 he 
 
 As the corporal was entering the con- 
 fines of Bohemia, my uncle Toby obliged 
 him to halt for a single moment; he had 
 set out bare-headed, having since he pull'd 
 off his Montero-cap in the latter end of the 
 last chapter, left it lying beside him on the 
 ground. 
 
 The eye of Goodness espieth all 
 
 things so that before the corporal had 
 
 well got through the first five words of his 
 story, had my uncle Toby twice touch 'd his 
 Montero-cap with the end of his cane, in- 
 terrogatively as much as to say, Why 
 
 161
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 don't you put it on, Trim? Trim took it 
 up with the most respectful slowness, and 
 casting a glance of humiliation as he did it, 
 upon the embroidery of the fore-part, which 
 being dismally tarnish'd and fray'd more- 
 over in some of the principal leaves and 
 boldest parts of the pattern, he lay'd it 
 down again between his two feet, in order 
 to moralize upon the subject. 
 
 'Tis every word of it but too true, 
 
 cried my uncle Toby, that thou art about 
 to observe 
 
 "Nothing in this world, Trim, is made to 
 last for ever." 
 
 But when tokens, dear Tom, of thy 
 
 love and remembrance wear out, said Trim, 
 what shall we say? 
 
 There is no occasion, Trim, quoth my 
 uncle Toby, to say any thing else; and was 
 a man to puzzle his brains till Doom's day, 
 I believe, Trim, it would be impossible. 
 
 The corporal perceiving my uncle Toby 
 was in the right, and that it would be in 
 vain for the wit of man to think of extract- 
 ing a purer moral from his cap, without 
 further attempting it, he put it on ; and 
 passing his hand across his forehead to rub 
 
 152
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 out a pensive wrinkle, which the text and 
 the doctrine between them had engender'd, 
 he return' d, with the same look and tone of 
 voice, to his story of the king of Bohemia 
 and his seven castles. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND 
 HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED. 
 
 THERE was a certain king of Bohemia, 
 but in whose reign, except his own, I 
 am not able to inform your honour 
 
 I do not desire it of thee, Trim, by any 
 means, cried my uncle Toby. 
 
 It was a little before the time, an' 
 
 please your honour, when giants were be- 
 ginning to leave off breeding: but in what 
 year of our Lord that was 
 
 I would not give a halfpenny to know, 
 said my uncle Toby. 
 
 Only, an' please your honour, it makes 
 
 a story look the better in the face 
 
 'Tis thy own, Trim, so ornament it 
 
 after thy own fashion; and take any date, 
 continued my uncle Toby, looking pleasantly 
 upon him take any date in the whole world 
 
 153
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 thou chusest, and put it to thou art heartily 
 
 welcome 
 
 The corporal bowed; for of every century, 
 and of every year of that century, from the 
 first creation of the world down to Noah's 
 flood ; and from Noah's flood to the birth of 
 Abraham; through all the pilgrimages of the 
 patriarchs, to the departure of the Israelites 
 
 out of Egypt and throughout all the 
 
 Dynasties, Olympiads, Urbeconditas, and 
 other memorable epochas of the different 
 nations of the world, down to the coming 
 of Christ, and from thence to the very 
 moment in which the corporal was telling 
 
 his story had my uncle Toby subjected 
 
 this vast empire of time and all its abysses 
 at his feet; but as MODESTY scarce touches 
 with a finger what LIBERALITY offers her 
 with both hands open the corporal con- 
 tented himself with the very worst year of 
 the whole bunch; which, to prevent your 
 honours of the Majority and Minority from 
 tearing the very flesh off your bones in con- 
 testation, * Whether that year is not always 
 the last cast-year of the last cast-almanack' 
 
 1 tell you plainly it was; but from a 
 
 different reason than you wot of 
 
 154
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 It was the year next him which 
 
 being the year of our Lord seventeen hun- 
 dred and twelve, when the Duke of Ormond 
 
 was playing the devil in Flanders the 
 
 corporal took it, and set out with it afresh 
 on his expedition to Bohemia. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND 
 HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED. 
 
 I 
 
 N the year of our Lord one thousand 
 seven hundred and twelve, there was, 
 
 an' please your honour 
 
 To tell thee truly, Trim, quoth my 
 
 uncle Toby, any other date would have 
 pleased me much better, not only on ac- 
 count of the sad stain upon our history 
 that year, in marching off our troops, and 
 refusing to cover the siege of Quesnot, 
 though Fagel %vas carrying on the works 
 with such incredible vigour but likewise 
 on the score, Trim, of thy own story; be- 
 cause if there are and which, from what 
 thou hast dropt, I partly suspect to be the 
 fact if there are giants in it 
 
 166
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 There is but one, an' please your hon- 
 our 
 
 'Tis as bad as twenty, replied my 
 
 uncle Toby thou should'st have carried 
 
 him back some seven or eight hundred 
 years out of harm's way, both of critics 
 and other people; and therefore I would 
 advise thee, if ever thou tellest it again 
 
 If I live, an' please your honour, but 
 
 once to get through it, I will never tell it 
 again, quoth Trim, either to man, woman, 
 
 or child Poo poo! said my uncle Toby 
 
 but with accents of such sweet encourage- 
 ment did he utter it, that the corporal went 
 on with his story with more alacrity than 
 ever. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND 
 HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED. 
 
 ^ I ^HERE was, an' please your honour, 
 -1- said the corporal, raising his voice, 
 and rubbing the palms of his two 
 hands cheerily together as he begun, a cer- 
 tain king of Bohemia 
 
 156
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Leave out the date entirely, Trim, 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby, leaning forwards, and 
 laying his hand gently upon the corporal's 
 shoulder to temper the interruption leave 
 it out entirely, Trim; a story passes very 
 well without these niceties, unless one is 
 
 pretty sure of 'em Sure of 'em! said the 
 
 corporal, shaking his head 
 
 Right; answered my uncle Toby, it is not 
 easy, Trim, for one, bred up as thou and I 
 have been to arms, who seldom looks fur- 
 ther forward than to the end of his musket, 
 or backwards beyond his knapsack, to know 
 
 much about this matter God bless your 
 
 honour! said the corporal, won by the man- 
 ner of my uncle Toby's reasoning, as much 
 as by the reasoning itself, he has something 
 else to do; if not on action, or a march, 
 or upon duty in his garrison he has his 
 firelock, an' please your honour, to furbish 
 his accoutrements to take care of his regi- 
 mentals to mciid himself to shave and 
 keep clean, so as to appear always like what 
 he is upon the parade; what business, added 
 the corporal triumphantly, has a soldier, an' 
 please your honour, to know any thing at 
 all of geography? 
 
 157
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Thou would 'st have said chronology, 
 
 Trim, said my uncle Toby; for as for geog- 
 raphy, 'tis of absolute use to him; he must 
 be acquainted intimately with every country 
 and its boundaries where his profession car- 
 ries him; he should know every town and 
 city, and village and hamlet, with the canals, 
 the roads, and hollow ways which lead up 
 to them; there is not a river or a rivulet 
 he passes, Trim, but he should be able at 
 first sight to tell thee what is its name 
 in what mountains it takes its rise what is 
 its course how far it is navigable where 
 fordable where not; he should know the 
 fertility of every valley, as well as the hind 
 who ploughs it; and be able to describe, 
 or, if it is required, to give thee an exact 
 map of all the plains and defiles, the forts, 
 the acclivities, the woods and morasses, thro' 
 and by which his army is to march; he 
 should know their produce, their plants, 
 their minerals, their waters, their animals, 
 their seasons, their climates, their heats and 
 cold, their inhabitants, their customs, their 
 language, their policy, and even their re- 
 ligion. 
 
 Is it else to be conceived, corporal, con- 
 
 168
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tinued my uncle Toby, rising up in his sen- 
 try-box, as he began to warm in this part 
 of his discourse how Marlborough could 
 have marched his army from the banks of 
 the Maes to Belburg; from Belburg to 
 Kerpenord (here the corporal could sit no 
 longer) from Kerpenord, Trim, to Kalsaken; 
 from Kalsaken to Newdorf; from Newdorf 
 to Ladenbourg; from Ladenbourg to Milden- 
 heim; from Mildenheim to Elchingen; from 
 Elchingen to Gingen; from Gingen to Bal- 
 merchoffen; from Balmerchoffen to Skellen- 
 burg, where he broke in upon the enemy's 
 works; forced his passage over the Danube; 
 cross 'd the Lech push'd on his troops into 
 the heart of the empire, marching at the 
 head of them through Fribourg, Hokenwert, 
 and Schonevelt, to the plains of Blenheim 
 
 and Hochstet? Great as he was, corporal, 
 
 he could not have advanced a step, or made 
 one single day's march, without the aids of 
 
 Geography. As for Chronology, I own, 
 
 Trim, continued my uncle Toby, sitting 
 down again coolly in his sentry-box, that 
 of all others, it seems a science which the 
 soldier might best spare, was it not for the 
 lights which that science must one day give 
 
 159
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 him, in determining the invention of pow- 
 der; the furious execution of which, ren- 
 versing every thing like thunder before it, 
 has become a new era to us of military 
 improvements, changing so totally the na- 
 ture of attacks and defences both by sea 
 and land, and awakening so much art and 
 skill in doing it, that the world cannot be 
 too exact in ascertaining the precise time of 
 its discovery, or too inquisitive in knowing 
 what great man was the discoverer, and 
 what occasions gave birth to it. 
 
 I am far from controverting, continued 
 my uncle Toby, what historians agree in, 
 that in the year of our Lord 1380, under 
 the reign of Wencelaus, son of Charles the 
 
 Fourth a certain priest, whose name was 
 
 Schwartz, shew'd the use of powder to the 
 Venetians, in their wars against the Genoese; 
 but 'tis certain he was not the first; because, 
 if we are to believe Don Pedro, the bishop 
 of Leon How came priests and bishops, an' 
 please your honour, to trouble their heads 
 so much about gun-powder ? God knows, 
 said my uncle Toby his providence brings 
 good out of every thing and he avers, in 
 his chronicle of King Alphonsus, who re- 
 
 160
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 duced Toledo, That in the year 1343, which 
 was full thirty-seven years before that time, 
 the secret of powder was well known, and 
 employed with success, both by Moors and 
 Christians, not only in then* sea-combats, at 
 that period, but in many of their most 
 memorable sieges in Spain and Barbary 
 And all the world knows, that Friar Bacon 
 had wrote expressly about it, and had gen- 
 erously given the world a receipt to make 
 it by, above a hundred and fifty years be- 
 fore even Schwartz was born And that the 
 Chinese, added my uncle Toby, embarrass us, 
 and all accounts of it, still more, by boast- 
 ing of the invention some hundreds of years 
 even before him 
 
 They are a pack of liars, I believe, cried 
 Trim 
 
 They are somehow or other deceived, 
 
 said my uncle Toby, in this matter, as is 
 plain to me from the present miserable 
 state of military architecture amongst them; 
 which consists of nothing more than a fosse 
 with a brick wall without flanks and for 
 what they gave us as a bastion at each 
 angle of it, 'tis so barbarously constructed, 
 that it looks for all the world 
 
 161
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Like one of my seven castles, an' please 
 your honour, quoth Trim. 
 
 My uncle Toby, tho' in the utmost dis- 
 tress for a comparison, most courteously 
 refused Trim's offer till Trim telling him, 
 he had half a dozen more in Bohemia, which 
 
 he knew not how to get off his hands 
 
 my uncle Toby was so touch 'd with the 
 
 pleasantry of heart of the corporal that 
 
 he discontinued his dissertation upon gun- 
 powder and begged the corporal forth- 
 with to go on with his story of the King 
 of Bohemia and his seven castles. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND 
 HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED. 
 
 THIS unfortunate King of Bohemia, said 
 Trim, Was he unfortunate, then? 
 
 cried my uncle Toby, for he had been 
 so wrapt up in his dissertation upon gun- 
 powder, and other military affairs, that tho' 
 he had desired the corporal to go on, yet 
 the many interruptions he had given, dwelt 
 not so strong upon his fancy, as to account 
 
 169
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 for the epithet Was he unfortunate, then, 
 
 Trim? said my uncle Toby, pathetically 
 
 The corporal, wishing first the word and all 
 its synonimas at the devil, forthwith began 
 to run back in his mind, the principal events 
 in the King of Bohemia's story; from every 
 one of which, it appearing that he was the 
 most fortunate man that ever existed in the 
 
 world it put the corporal to a stand: for 
 
 not caring to retract his epithet and less, 
 
 to explain it and least of all, to twist his 
 
 tale (like men of lore) to serve a system 
 
 he looked up in my uncle Toby's face for 
 
 assistance but seeing it was the very 
 
 thing, my uncle Toby sat in expectation of 
 
 himself after a hum and a haw, he went 
 
 on 
 
 The King of Bohemia, an' please your 
 honour, replied the corporal, was unfortu- 
 nate, as thus That taking great pleasure 
 
 and delight in navigation and all sort of sea 
 
 affairs and thore happening throughout 
 
 the whole kingdom of Bohemia, to be no 
 sea-port town whatever 
 
 How the duce should there Trim? cried 
 my uncle Toby; for Bohemia being totally 
 inland, it could have happen'd no other- 
 
 163
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 wise It might; said Trim, if it had 
 
 pleased God 
 
 My uncle Toby never spoke of the being 
 and natural attributes of God, but with dif- 
 fidence and hesitation 
 
 1 believe not, replied my uncle Toby, 
 
 after some pause for being inland, as I 
 
 said, and having Silesia and Moravia to the 
 east; Lusatia and Upper Saxony to the 
 north; Franconia to the west; Bavaria to 
 the south; Bohemia could not have been 
 propell'd to the sea, without ceasing to be 
 
 Bohemia nor could the sea, on the other 
 
 hand, have come up to Bohemia, without 
 overflowing a great part of Germany, and 
 destroying millions of unfortunate inhabit- 
 ants who could make no defence against it 
 
 Scandalous! cried Trim Which would 
 
 bespeak, added my uncle Toby, mildly, such 
 a want of compassion in him who is the 
 
 father of it that, I think, Trim the 
 
 thing could have happen' d no way. 
 
 The corporal made the bow of unfeigned 
 conviction; and went on. 
 
 Now the King of Bohemia with his queen 
 and courtiers happening one fine summer's 
 evening to walk out Aye! there the 
 
 164
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 word happening is right, Trim, cried my 
 uncle Toby; for the King of Bohemia and 
 his queen might have walk'd out or let it 
 
 alone; 'twas a matter of contingency, 
 
 which might happen, or not, just as chance 
 ordered it. 
 
 King William was of an opinion, an' please 
 your honour, quoth Trim, that every thing 
 was predestined for us in this world; inso- 
 much, that he would often say to his sol- 
 diers, that " every ball had its billet." He 
 
 was a great man, said my uncle Toby 
 
 And I believe, continued Trim, to this day, 
 that the shot which disabled me at the 
 battle of Landen, was pointed at my knee 
 for no other purpose, but to take me out 
 of his service, and place me in your hon- 
 our's, where I should be taken so much 
 
 better care of in my old age It shall 
 
 never, Trim, be construed otherwise, said 
 my uncle Toby. 
 
 The heart, both of the master and the 
 man, were alike subject to sudden overflow, 
 ings; a short silence ensued. 
 
 Besides, said the corporal, resuming the 
 
 discourse but in a gayer accent if it 
 
 had not been for that single shot, I had 
 
 105
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 never, an' please your honour, been in 
 love 
 
 So, thou wast once in love, Trim! said 
 my uncle Toby, smiling 
 
 Souse ! replied the corporal over head 
 and ears! an' please your honour. Prithee 
 when? where? and how came it to pass? 
 
 1 never heard one word of it before; 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby: 1 dare say, an- 
 swered Trim, that every drummer and ser- 
 
 jeant's son in the regiment knew of it 
 
 It's high time I should said my uncle 
 
 Toby. 
 
 Your honour remembers with concern, 
 said the corporal, the total rout and con- 
 fusion of our camp and army at the affair 
 of Landen; every one was left to shift for 
 himself; and if it had not been for the regi- 
 ments of Wyndham, Lumley, and Galway, 
 which covered the retreat over the bridge 
 of Neerspeeken, the king himself could 
 
 scarce have gained it he was press 'd 
 
 hard, as your honour knows, on every side 
 of him 
 
 Gallant mortal ! cried my uncle Toby, 
 caught up with enthusiasm this momenl 
 now that all is lost, I see him gallopi] 
 
 166
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 across me, corporal, tc the left, to bring 
 up the remains of the English horse along 
 with him to support the right, and tear the 
 laurel from Luxembourg's brows, if yet 'tis 
 
 possible 1 see him with the knot of his 
 
 scarfe just shot off, infusing fresh spirits into 
 poor Gal-way's regiment riding along the 
 line then wheeling about, and charging 
 
 Conti at the head of it Brave! brave by 
 
 heaven! cried my uncle Toby he deserves 
 
 a crown As richly, as a thief a halter; 
 
 shouted Trim. 
 
 My uncle Toby knew the corporal's loy- 
 alty; otherwise the comparison was not at 
 
 all to his mind it did not altogether 
 
 strike the corporal's fancy when he had made 
 
 it but it could not be recall' d so he 
 
 had nothing to do, but proceed. 
 
 As the number of wounded was prodi- 
 gious, and no one had time to think of 
 any thing but his own safety Though 
 Talmash, said my uncle Toby, brought off 
 
 the foot with great prudence But I was 
 
 left upon the field, said the corporal. Thou 
 wast so; poor fellow! replied my uncle 
 
 Toby So that it was noon the next day, 
 
 continued the corporal, before I was ex- 
 
 167
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 changed, and put into a cart with thirteen 
 or fourteen more, in order to be convey'd 
 to our hospital. 
 
 There is no part of the body, an' please 
 your honour, where a wound occasions more 
 intolerable anguish than upon the knee 
 
 Except the groin; said my uncle Toby. 
 An' please your honour, replied the cor- 
 poral, the knee, in my opinion, must cer- 
 tainly be the most acute, there being so 
 many tendons and what -d'ye -call -'ems all 
 about it. 
 
 It is for that reason, quoth my uncle 
 Toby, that the groin is infinitely more sensi- 
 ble there being not only as many ten- 
 dons and what- d'ye -call -'ems (for I know 
 
 their names as little as thou dost) about 
 
 it but moreover * * * 
 
 Mrs Wadman, who had been all the time 
 in her arbour instantly stopp'd her breath 
 unpinn'd her mob at the chin, and stood 
 up upon one leg 
 
 The dispute was maintained with amica- 
 ble and equal force betwixt my uncle Toby 
 and Trim for some time; till Trim at length 
 recollecting that he had often cried at his 
 master's sufferings, but never shed a tear at 
 
 168
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 his own was for giving up the point, which 
 
 my uncle Toby would not allow 'Tis a 
 
 proof of nothing, Trim, said he, but the 
 generosity of thy temper 
 
 So that whether the pain of a wound in 
 the groin (casteris paribus) is greater than 
 the pain of a wound in the knee or 
 
 Whether the pain of a wound hi the 
 knee is not greater than the pain of a 
 
 wound in the groin are points which to 
 
 this day remain unsettled. 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 THE anguish of my knee, continued the 
 corporal, was excessive in itself; and 
 the uneasiness of the cart, with the 
 roughness of the roads which were terribly 
 
 cut up making bad still worse every 
 
 step was death to me: so that with the loss 
 of blood, and the want of care-taking of me, 
 
 and a fever I felt coming on besides 
 
 (Poor soul! said my uncle Toby) all 
 
 169
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 together, an' please your honour, was more 
 than I could sustain. 
 
 I was telling my sufferings to a young 
 woman at a peasant's house, where our cart, 
 which was the last of the line, had halted; 
 they had help'd me in, and the young woman 
 had taken a cordial out of her pocket and 
 dropp'd it upon some sugar, and seeing it 
 had cheer' d me, she had given it me a 
 second and a third time So I was tell- 
 ing her, an' please your honour, the anguish 
 I was in, and was saying it was so intolera- 
 ble to me, that I had much rather lie down 
 upon the bed, turning my face towards one 
 which was in the corner of the room and 
 die, than go on when, upon her attempt- 
 ing to lead me to it, I fainted away in her 
 arms. She was a good soul ! as your hon- 
 our, said the corporal, wiping his eyes, will 
 hear. 
 
 I thought love had been a joyous thing, 
 quoth my uncle Toby. 
 
 'Tis the most serious thing, an' please 
 your honour (sometimes), that is in the 
 world. 
 
 By the persuasion of the young woman, 
 continued the corporal, the cart with the 
 
 170
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 wounded men set off without me: she had 
 assured them I should expire immediately 
 if I was put into the cart. So when I came 
 
 to myself 1 found myself in a still quiet 
 
 cottage, with no one but the young woman, 
 and the peasant and his wife. I was laid 
 across the bed in the corner of the room, 
 with my wounded leg upon a chair, and the 
 young woman beside me, holding the corner 
 of her handkerchief dipp'd in vinegar to my 
 nose with one hand, and rubbing my tem- 
 ples with the other. 
 
 I took her at first for the daughter of 
 the peasant (for it was no inn) so had 
 offer 'd her a little purse with eighteen 
 florins, which my poor brother Tom (here 
 Trim wip'd his eyes) had sent me as a 
 token, by a recruit, just before he set out 
 for Lisbon. 
 
 1 never told your honour that pite- 
 ous story yet here Trim wiped his eyes 
 
 a third time. 
 
 The young woman call'd the old man 
 and his wife into the room, to shew them 
 the money, in order to gain me credit for 
 a bed and what little necessaries I should 
 want, till I should be in a condition to be 
 
 ni
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 got to the hospital Come then! said she, 
 
 tying up the little purse I'll be your 
 banker but as that office alone will not 
 keep me employ 'd, I'll be your nurse too. 
 
 I thought by her manner of speaking this, 
 as well as by her dress, which I then began 
 
 to consider more attentively that the 
 
 young woman could not be the daughter 
 of the peasant. 
 
 She was in black down to her toes, with 
 her hah- conceal'd under a cambric border, 
 laid close to her forehead: she was one of 
 those kind of nuns, an' please your honour, 
 of which, your honour knows, there are a 
 good many in Flanders which they let go 
 
 loose By thy description, Trim, said my 
 
 uncle Toby, I dare say she was a young 
 Beguine, of which there are none to be 
 found any where but in the Spanish Nether- 
 lands except at Amsterdam they differ 
 
 from nuns in this, that they can quit their 
 cloister if they choose to marry; they visit 
 
 and take care of the sick by profession 
 
 I had rather, for my own part, they did it 
 out of good-nature. 
 
 She often told me, quoth Trim, she 
 
 did it for the love of Christ I did not like 
 
 178
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 it. 1 believe, Trim, we are both wrong, 
 
 said my uncle Toby we'll ask Mr Yorick 
 about it to-night at my brother Shandy's 
 
 so put me in mind; added my uncle 
 
 Toby. 
 
 The young Beguine, continued the cor- 
 poral, had scarce given herself time to tell 
 me "she would be my nurse," when she 
 hastily turned about to begin the office of 
 
 one, and prepare something for me and 
 
 in a short time though I thought it a long 
 one she came back with flannels, &c. &c. 
 and having fomented my knee soundly for 
 a couple of hours, &c. and made me a thin 
 bason of gruel for my supper she wish'd 
 me rest, and promised to be with me 
 
 early in the morning. She wish'd me, 
 
 an' please your honour, what was not 
 to be had. My fever ran very high that 
 night her figure made sad disturbance 
 within me I was every moment cutting 
 the world in two to give her half of it 
 and every moment was I crying, That I 
 had nothing but a knapsack and eighteen 
 
 florins to share with her The whole 
 
 night long was the fair Beguine, like an 
 angel, close by my bedside, holding back 
 
 173
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 my curtain and offering me cordials and I 
 was only awakened from my dream by her 
 coming there at the hour promised, and 
 giving them in reality. In truth, she was 
 scarce ever from me; and so accustomed 
 was I to receive life from her hands, that 
 my heart sickened, and I lost colour when 
 she left the room: and yet, continued the 
 corporal (making one of the strangest reflec- 
 tions upon it in the world) - 
 
 - "It was not love" - for during the 
 three weeks she was almost constantly with 
 me, fomenting my knee with her hand, 
 night and day I can honestly say, an' 
 please your honour that * * * * 
 
 * * 
 
 once. 
 
 That was very odd, Trim, quoth my 
 uncle Toby. 
 
 I think so too said Mrs Wadman. 
 It never did, said the corporal. 
 
 174
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 But 'tis no marvel, continued the cor- 
 poral seeing my uncle Toby musing upon 
 it for Love, an' please your honour, is ex- 
 actly like war, in this; that a soldier, though 
 he has escaped three weeks complete tf Satur- 
 day night, may nevertheless be shot through 
 
 his heart on Sunday morning It happened 
 
 so here, an' please your honour, with this dif- 
 ference only that it was on Sunday in the 
 afternoon, when I fell in love all at once 
 
 with a sisserara It burst upon me, an' 
 
 please your honour, like a bomb scarce 
 
 giving me time to say, "God bless me." 
 
 I thought, Trim, said my uncle Toby, a 
 man never fell in love so very suddenly. 
 
 Yes, an' please your honour, if he is in 
 the way of it replied Trim. 
 
 I prithee, quoth my uncle Toby, inform 
 me how this matter happened. 
 
 With all pleasure, said the corporal, 
 
 making a bow. 
 
 115
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 I HAD escaped, continued the corporal, 
 all that time from falling in love, and 
 had gone to the end of the chapter, 
 
 had it not been predestined otherwise 
 
 there is no resisting our fate. 
 
 It was on a Sunday, in the afternoon, as 
 I told your honour. 
 
 The old man and his wife had walked 
 out 
 
 Every thing was still and hush as mid- 
 night about the house 
 
 There was not so much as a duck or a 
 duckling about the yard 
 
 When the fair Beguine came in to 
 
 see me. 
 
 My wound was then in a fair way of do- 
 ing well the inflammation had been gone 
 
 off for some time, but it was succeeded with 
 an itching both above and below my knee, 
 so insufferable, that I had not shut my eyes 
 the whole night for it. 
 
 Let me see it, said she, kneeling down 
 
 176
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 upon the ground parallel to my knee, and 
 
 laying her hand upon the part below it 
 
 it only wants rubbing a little, said the 
 Beguine; so covering it with the bed- 
 clothes, she began with the fore-finger of 
 her right hand to rub under my knee, guid- 
 ing her fore-finger backwards and forwards 
 by the edge of the flannel which kept on 
 the dressing. 
 
 In five or six minutes I felt slightly the 
 end of her second finger and presently it 
 was laid flat with the other, and she con- 
 tinued rubbing in that way round and round 
 for a good while; it then came into my 
 head, that I should fall in love I blush 'd 
 when I saw how white a hand she had I 
 shall never, an' please your honour, behold 
 
 another hand so white whilst I live 
 
 -Not in that place; said my uncle 
 
 Toby- 
 
 Though it was the most serious despair in 
 nature to the corporal he could not forbear 
 smiling. 
 
 The young Beguine, continued the cor- 
 poral, perceiving it was of great service to 
 me from rubbing for some time, with two 
 fingers proceeded to rub at length, with 
 
 177
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 three till by little and little she brought 
 down the fourth, and then rubb'd with her 
 whole hand: I will never say another word, 
 an' please your honour, upon hands again 
 but it was softer than sattin 
 
 Prithee, Trim, commend it as much 
 
 as thou wilt, said my uncle Toby; I shall 
 
 hear thy story with the more delight 
 
 The corporal thank' d his master most un- 
 feignedly; but having nothing to say upon 
 the Beguine's hand but the same over again 
 he proceeded to the effects of it. 
 
 The fair Beguine, said the corporal, con- 
 tinued rubbing with her whole hand under 
 my knee till I fear'd her zeal would weary 
 
 her "I would do a thousand times 
 
 more," said she, "for the love of Christ" 
 
 In saying which she pass'd her hand 
 
 across the flannel, to the part above my 
 knee, which I had equally complain 'd of, 
 and rubb'd it also. 
 
 I perceived, then, I was beginning to be 
 in love 
 
 As she continued rub-rub-rubbing I felt 
 it spread from under her hand, an' please 
 your honour, to every part of my frame 
 
 The more she rubb'd, and the longer 
 
 178
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 strokes she took the more the fire kin- 
 dled in my veins till at length, by two 
 
 or three strokes longer than the rest my 
 
 passion rose to the highest pitch 1 seiz'd 
 
 her hand 
 
 And then thou clapped'st it to thy 
 
 lips, Trim, said my uncle Toby and 
 
 madest a speech. 
 
 Whether the corporal's amour terminated 
 precisely in the way my uncle Toby de- 
 scribed it, is not material; it is enough that 
 it contained in it the essence of all the love 
 romances which ever have been wrote since 
 the beginning of the world. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 AS soon as the corporal had finished the 
 story of his amour or rather my 
 uncle Toby for him Mrs Wadman 
 silently sallied forth from her arbour, re- 
 placed the pin in her mob, pass'd the 
 wicker-gate, and advanced slowly towards 
 my uncle Toby's sentry-box: the disposi- 
 
 179
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 tion which Trim had made in my uncle 
 Toby's mind, was too favourable a crisis to 
 be let slipp'd 
 
 The attack was determin'd upon: it 
 
 was facilitated still more by my uncle Toby's 
 having ordered the corporal to wheel off the 
 pioneer's shovel, the spade, the pick-axe, the 
 picquets, and other military stores which lay 
 scatter 'd upon the ground where Dunkirk 
 stood The corporal had march 'd the field 
 was clear. 
 
 Now, consider, sir, what nonsense it is, 
 either in fighting, or writing, or any thing 
 else (whether in rhyme to it, or not) which 
 a man has occasion to do to act by plan: 
 for if ever Plan, independent of all circum- 
 stances, deserved registering in letters of gold 
 (I mean in the archives of Gotham) it was 
 certainly the PLAN of Mrs Wadmarts attack 
 of my uncle Toby in his sentry-box, BY PLAN 
 
 Now the plan hanging up in it at this 
 
 juncture, being the Plan of Dunkirk and 
 the tale of Dunkirk a tale of relaxation, it 
 opposed every impression she could make: 
 and besides, could she have gone upon it 
 the manoeuvre of fingers and hands in the 
 attack of the sentry-box, was so outdone by 
 
 180
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 that of the fair Beguine's, in Trim's story 
 
 that just then, that particular attack, how- 
 ever successful before became the most 
 heartless attack that could be made 
 
 O! let woman alone for this. Mrs Wad- 
 man had scarce open'd the wicker-gate, when 
 her genius sported with the change of cir- 
 cumstances. 
 
 She formed a new attack in a mo- 
 ment. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 1 am half distracted, captain Shandy, 
 
 said Mrs Wadman, holding up her cambrick 
 handkerchief to her left eye, as she ap- 
 proach'd the door of my uncle Toby's sen- 
 try-box a mote or sand or some- 
 thing 1 know not what, has got into 
 
 this eye of mine do look into it it is 
 
 not in the white 
 
 In saying which, Mrs Wadman edged her- 
 self close in beside my uncle Toby, and 
 squeezing herself down upon the corner of 
 
 m
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 his bench, she gave him an opportunity of 
 
 doing it without rising up Do look into 
 
 it said she. 
 
 Honest soul! thou didst look into it with 
 as much innocency of heart, as ever child 
 look'd into a raree-shew-box ; and 'twere as 
 much a sin to have hurt thee. 
 
 If a man will be peeping of his own 
 
 accord into things of that nature I've 
 
 nothing to say to it 
 
 My uncle Toby never did: and I will 
 answer for him, that he would have sat 
 quietly upon a sofa from June to January 
 (which, you know, takes in both the hot 
 and cold months), with an eye as fine as 
 the Thracian* Rodope's beside him, with- 
 out being able to tell, whether it was a 
 black or blue one. 
 
 The difficulty was to get my uncle Toby, 
 to look at one at all. 
 
 'Tis surmounted. And 
 
 I see him yonder with his pipe pendu- 
 lous in his hand, and the ashes falling out 
 of it looking and looking then rubbing 
 
 *Rodope Thracia tarn inevitabili fascino instructs, tarn exacte 
 oculus intuens attraxit, ut si in illam quis incidisset, fieri non 
 posset, quin caperetur. 1 know not who. 
 
 183
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 his eyes and looking again, with twice the 
 good-nature that ever Gallileo look'd for a 
 spot in the sun. 
 
 In vain! for by all the powers which 
 
 animate the organ Widow Wadmari's 
 
 left eye shines this moment as lucid as her 
 
 right there is neither mote, or sand, or 
 
 dust, or chaff, or speck, or particle of opake 
 matter floating in it There is nothing, my 
 dear paternal uncle! but one lambent deli- 
 cious fire, furtively shooting out from every 
 part of it, in all directions, into thine 
 
 If thou lookest, uncle Toby, in search 
 
 of this mote one moment longer thou art 
 undone. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 AN eye is for all the world exactly like 
 a cannon, in this respect; That it is 
 not so much the eye or the cannon, in 
 themselves, as it is the carriage of the eye 
 
 and the carriage of the cannon, by 
 
 which both the one and the other are en- 
 abled to do so much execution. I don't 
 
 183
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 think the comparison a bad one : However, 
 as 'tis made and placed at the head of the 
 chapter, as much for use as ornament, all I 
 desire in return, is, that whenever I speak 
 of Mrs Wadmari's eyes (except once in the 
 next period) that you keep it in your 
 fancy. 
 
 I protest, Madam, said my uncle Toby, I 
 can see nothing whatever in your eye. 
 
 It is not in the white; said Mrs Wad- 
 man: my uncle Toby look'd with might 
 and main into the pupil 
 
 Now of all the eyes, which ever were 
 
 created from your own, Madam, up to 
 
 those of Venus herself, which certainly were 
 as venereal a pair of eyes as ever stood hi 
 
 a head there never was an eye of them 
 
 all, so fitted to rob my uncle Toby of his 
 repose, as the very eye, at which he was 
 
 looking it was not, Madam, a rolling 
 
 eye a romping or a wanton one nor 
 
 was it an eye sparkling petulant or impe- 
 rious of high claims and terrifying exac- 
 tions, which would have curdled at once 
 that milk of human nature, of which my 
 
 uncle Toby was made up but 'twas an 
 
 eye full of gentle salutations and soft 
 
 184
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 responses speaking not like the trum- 
 pet stop of some ill-made organ, in which 
 many an eye I talk to, holds coarse con- 
 verse but whispering soft like the last 
 
 low accent of an expiring saint "How 
 
 can you live comfortless, captain Shandy, 
 and alone, without a bosom to lean your 
 head on or trust your cares to?" 
 
 It was an eye 
 
 But I shall be in love with it myself, if 
 I say another word about it. 
 
 It did my uncle Toby's business. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 is nothing shews the character 
 - of my father and my uncle Toby, in 
 a more entertaining light, than their 
 different manner of deportment, under the 
 same accident - for I call not love a mis- 
 fortune, from a persuasion, that a man's 
 heart is ever the better for it - Great God ! 
 what must my uncle Toby's have been, 
 when 'twas all benignity without it. 
 
 185
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 My father, as appears from many of his 
 papers, was very subject to this passion, be- 
 fore he married but from a little subacid 
 
 kind of drollish impatience in his nature, 
 whenever it befell him, he would never 
 submit to it like a Christian ; but would 
 pish, and huff, and bounce, and kick, and 
 play the Devil, and write the bitterest 
 Philippicks against the eye that ever man 
 wrote there is one in verse upon some- 
 body's eye or other, that for two or three 
 nights together, had put him by his rest; 
 which in his first transport of resentment 
 against it, he begins thus: 
 
 "A Devil 'tis and mischief such doth work 
 
 As never yet did Pagan, Jew, or Turk."* 
 
 In short, during the whole paroxism, my 
 father was all abuse and foul language, ap- 
 proaching rather towards malediction 
 
 only he did not do it with as much method 
 
 as Ernulphus he was too impetuous; nor 
 
 with Ernulphus 's policy for tho' my 
 
 father, with the most intolerant spirit, 
 would curse both this and that, and every 
 thing under heaven, which was either aid- 
 
 *This will be printed with my father's Life of Socrates, &c. 
 &c. 
 
 186
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ing or abetting to his love yet never 
 
 concluded his chapter of curses upon it, 
 without cursing himself in at the bargain, 
 as one of the most egregious fools and cox- 
 combs, he would say, that ever was let 
 loose in the world. 
 
 My uncle Toby, on the contrary, took it 
 
 like a lamb sat still and let the poison 
 
 work in his veins without resistance in 
 
 the sharpest exacerbations of his wound 
 ( like that on his groin ) he never dropt one 
 
 fretful or discontented word he blamed 
 
 neither heaven nor earth or thought or 
 
 spoke an injurious thing of any body, or 
 any part of it; he sat solitary and pensive 
 
 with his pipe looking at his lame leg 
 
 then whiffing out a sentimental heigh 
 
 ho! which mixing with the smoke, incom- 
 moded no one mortal. 
 
 He took it like a lamb 1 say. 
 
 In truth he had mistook it at first; for 
 having taken a ride with my father, that 
 very morning, to save if possible a beautiful 
 wood, which the dean and chapter were 
 hewing down to give to the poor ; * which 
 
 * Mr. Shandy must mean the poor in spirit; inasmuch as 
 they divided the money amongst themselves. 
 
 187
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 said wood being in full view of my uncle 
 Toby's house, and of singular service to 
 him in his description of the battle of 
 Wynnendale by trotting on too hastily to 
 
 save it upon an uneasy saddle worse 
 
 horse, &c. &c. . . it had so happened, that 
 the serous part of the blood had got be- 
 twixt the two skins, in the nethermost part 
 
 of my uncle Toby the first shootings of 
 
 which ( as my uncle Toby had no experience 
 of love ) he had taken for a part of the 
 passion till the blister breaking in the one 
 case and the other remaining my uncle 
 Toby was presently convinced, that his 
 
 wound was not a skin-deep wound but 
 
 that it had gone to his heart. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 ^ I ^HE world is ashamed of being virtuous 
 
 JL My uncle Toby knew little of 
 
 the world; and therefore when he 
 felt he was in love with widow Wadman, 
 he had no conception that the thing was 
 
 188
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 any more to be made a mystery of, than if 
 Mrs Wadman had given him a cut with a 
 gap'd knife across his finger: Had it been 
 
 otherwise yet as he ever look'd upon 
 
 Trim as a humble friend; and saw fresh 
 reasons every day of his life, to treat him 
 
 as such it would have made no variation 
 
 in the manner in which he informed him 
 of the affair. 
 
 "I am in love, corporal! " quoth my 
 uncle Toby. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 IN love ! said the corporal your honour 
 was very well the day before yesterday, 
 when I was telling your honour the 
 story of the King of Bohemia Bohemia ! 
 
 said my uncle Toby musing a long 
 
 time What became of that story, Trim? 
 
 We lost it, an' please your honour, some- 
 how betwixt us but your honour was as 
 
 free from love then, as I am 'twas, just 
 
 whilst thou went'st off with the wheel- 
 
 189 

 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 barrow with Mrs Wadman, quoth my 
 
 uncle Toby She has left a ball here 
 
 added my uncle Toby pointing to his 
 
 breast 
 
 She can no more, an' please your 
 
 honour, stand a siege, than she can fly 
 cried the corporal 
 
 But as we are neighbours, Trim, 
 
 the best way I think is to let her know it 
 civilly first quoth my uncle Toby. 
 
 Now if I might presume, said the corporal, 
 to differ from your honour 
 
 Why else do I talk to thee, Trim ? 
 said my uncle Toby, mildly 
 
 Then I would begin, an' please your 
 honour, with making a good thundering 
 attack upon her, in return and telling her 
 civilly afterwards for if she knows anything 
 of your honour's being in love, before hand 
 
 L d help her! she knows no more at 
 
 present of it, Trim, said my uncle Toby 
 than the child unborn 
 
 Precious souls! 
 
 Mrs Wadman had told it, with all its 
 circumstances, to Mrs Bridget twenty-four 
 hours before; and was at that very moment 
 sitting in council with her, touching some 
 
 190
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 slight misgivings with regard to the issue of 
 the affairs, which the Devil, who never lies 
 
 dead in a ditch, had put into her head 
 
 before he would allow half time, to get 
 
 quietly through her Te Deum. 
 
 I am terribly afraid, said widow Wadman, 
 in case I should marry him, Bridget that 
 the poor captain will not enjoy his health, 
 with the monstrous wound upon his groin 
 
 It may not, Madam, be so very large, 
 replied Bridget, as you think and I be- 
 lieve besides, added she that 'tis dried up 
 
 1 could like to know merely for his 
 
 sake, said Mrs Wadman 
 
 We'll know the long and the broad of 
 it, in ten days answered Mrs Bridget, for 
 whilst the captain is paying his addresses to 
 you I'm confident Mr Trim will be for 
 making love to me and I'll let him as 
 much as he will added Bridget to get it 
 all out of him 
 
 The measures were taken at once and 
 
 my uncle Toby and the corporal went on 
 with theirs. 
 
 Now, quoth the corporal, setting his left 
 
 191
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 hand a-kimbo, and giving such a flourish 
 with his right, as just promised success and 
 
 no more if your honour will give me 
 
 leave to lay down the plan of this attack 
 
 Thou wilt please me by it, Trim, 
 
 said my uncle Toby, exceedingly and as I 
 foresee thou must act in it as my aid de 
 camp, here's a crown, corporal, to begin 
 with, to steep thy commission. 
 
 Then, an' please your honour, said the 
 corporal (making a bow first for his com- 
 mission) we will begin with getting your 
 honour's laced cloaths out of the great 
 campaign- trunk, to be well air'd, and have 
 the blue and gold taken up at the sleeves 
 and I'll put your white ramallie-wig fresh 
 into pipes and send for a taylor, to have 
 your honour's thin scarlet breeches turn'd 
 
 I had better take the red plush on( 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby They will be 
 
 clumsy said the corporal. 
 
 199
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 Thou wilt get a brush and a little 
 
 chalk to my sword 'Twill be only in 
 
 your honour's way, replied Trim. 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 But your honour's two razors shall 
 
 be new set and 1 will get my Montero cap 
 furbish 'd up, and put on poor lieutenant 
 Le Fever's regimental coat, which your 
 honour gave me to wear for his sake and 
 as soon as your honour is clean shaved and 
 has got your clean shirt on, with your blue 
 
 and gold, or your fine scarlet sometimes 
 
 one and sometimes t'other and every thing 
 is ready for the attack we'll march up 
 boldly, as if 'twas to the face of a bastion; 
 and whilst your honour engages Mrs Wad- 
 man in the parlour, to the right I'll 
 
 193
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 attack Mrs Bridget in the kitchen, to the 
 left; and having seiz'd the pass, I'll answer 
 for it, said the corporal, snapping his fingers 
 over his head that the day is our own. 
 
 I wish I may but manage it right; said 
 my uncle Toby but I declare, corporal, I 
 had rather march up to the very edge of a 
 trench 
 
 A woman is quite a different thing 
 said the corporal. 
 
 I suppose so, quoth my uncle Toby. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 IF any thing in this world, which my 
 father said, could have provoked my 
 uncle Toby, during the time he was in 
 love, it was the perverse use my father was 
 always making of an expression of Hilarion 
 the hermit; who, in speaking of his absti- 
 nence, his watchings, flagellations, and other 
 instrumental parts of his religion would 
 say tho' with more facetiousness than be- 
 came an hermit "That they were the 
 
 194
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 means he used, to make his ass (meaning 
 his body) leave off kicking." 
 
 It pleased my father well; it was not 
 
 only a laconick way of expressing but of 
 
 libelling, at the same time, the desires and 
 appetites of the lower part of us; so that 
 for many years of my father's life, 'twas his 
 constant mode of expression he never used 
 the word passions once but ass always in- 
 stead of them So that he might be said 
 
 truly, to have been upon the bones, or the 
 back of his own ass, or else of some other 
 man's, during that time. 
 
 I must here observe to you the difference 
 betwixt 
 
 My father's ass 
 
 and my hobby-horse in order to 
 keep characters as separate as may be, in 
 our fancies as we go along. 
 
 For my hobby-horse, if you recollect a 
 little, is no way a vicious beast; he has 
 scarce one hair or lineament of the ass 
 about him 'Tis the sporting little filly- 
 folly which carries you out for the present 
 hour a maggot, a butterfly, a picture, a 
 fiddlestick an uncle Toby's siege or an 
 any thing, which a man makes a shift to 
 
 195
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 get a-stride on, to canter it away from the 
 cares and solicitudes of life 'Tis as useful 
 a beast as is in the whole creation nor do 
 I really see how the world could do with- 
 out it 
 
 But for my father's ass oh ! 
 
 mount him mount him mount him 
 (that's three times, is it not?) mount him 
 not: 'tis a beast concupiscent and foul 
 befal the man, who does not hinder him 
 from kicking. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 WELL ! dear brother Toby, said my 
 father, upon his first seeing him 
 after he fell in love and how goes 
 it with your ASSE? 
 
 Now my uncle Toby thinking more of 
 the part where he had had the blister, than 
 of Hilarion's metaphor and our preconcep- 
 tions having (you know) as great a power 
 over the sounds of words as the shapes of 
 things, he had imagined, that my father, 
 
 196
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 who was not very ceremonious in his choice 
 of words, had enquired after the part by 
 its proper name; so notwithstanding my 
 mother, doctor Slop, and Mr Yorick, were 
 sitting in the parlour, he thought it rather 
 civil to conform to the term my father had 
 made use of than not. When a man is 
 hemm'd in by two indecorums, and must 
 commit one of 'em I always observe let 
 him chuse which he will, the world will 
 blame him so I should not be astonished 
 if it blames my uncle Toby. 
 
 My A e, quoth my uncle Toby, is 
 much better brother Shandy My father 
 had formed great expectations from his 
 Asse in this onset; and would have brought 
 him on again; but doctor Slop setting up 
 an intemperate laugh and my mother cry- 
 ing out L bless us ! it drove my father's 
 Asse off the field and the laugh then be- 
 coming general there was no bringing him 
 back to the charge for some time 
 
 And so the discourse went on without 
 him. 
 
 Every body, said my mother, says you 
 are in love, brother Toby, and we hope it 
 is true. 
 
 19T
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 I am as much in love, sister, I believe, 
 replied my uncle Toby, as any man usually 
 
 is Humph! said my father and when 
 
 did you know it? quoth my mother 
 
 When the blister broke; replied my 
 
 uncle Toby. 
 
 My uncle Toby's reply put my father 
 into good temper so he charg'd o' foot. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 AS the ancients agree, brother Toby, said 
 my father, that there are two different 
 and distinct kinds of love, according to 
 the different parts which are affected by it 
 
 the Brain or Liver 1 think when a man 
 
 is in love, it behoves him a little to con- 
 sider which of the two he is fallen into. 
 
 What signifies it, brother Shandy, replied 
 my uncle Toby, which of the two it is, pro- 
 vided it will but make a man marry, and 
 love his wife, and get a few children ? 
 
 A few children! cried my father, ris- 
 ing out of his chair, and looking full in my 
 
 198
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 mother's face, as he forced his way betwixt 
 her's and doctor Slop's & few children! 
 cried my father, repeating my uncle Toby's 
 words as he walk'd to and fro 
 
 Not, my dear brother Toby, cried 
 
 my father, recovering himself all at once, 
 and coming close up to the back of my 
 uncle Toby's chair not that I should be 
 sorry hadst thou a score on the contrary, 
 I should rejoice and be as kind, Toby, to 
 every one of them as a father 
 
 My uncle Toby stole his hand unperceived 
 behind his chair, to give my father's a 
 squeeze 
 
 Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping 
 
 hold of my uncle Toby's hand so much 
 dost thou possess, my dear Toby, of the 
 milk of human nature, and so little of its 
 asperities 'tis piteous the world is not 
 peopled by creatures which resemble thee; 
 and was I an Asiatic monarch, added my 
 father, heating himself with his new project 
 I would oblige thee, provided it would 
 not impair thy strength or dry up thy 
 radical moisture too fast or weaken thy 
 memory or fancy, brother Toby, which these 
 gymnics inordinately taken are apt to do 
 
 199
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 else, dear Toby, I would procure thee the 
 most beautiful women in my empire, and I 
 would oblige thee, nolens, volens, to beget 
 for me one subject every month 
 
 As my father pronounced the last word 
 of the sentence my mother took a pinch 
 of snuff. 
 
 Now I would not, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 get a child, nolens, volens, that is, whether 
 I would or no, to please the greatest prince 
 upon earth 
 
 And 'twould be cruel in me, brother 
 
 Toby, to compel thee; said my father but 
 'tis a case put to shew thee, that it is not 
 thy begetting a child in case thou should'st 
 be able but the system of Love and Mar- 
 riage thou goest upon, which I would set 
 thee right in 
 
 There is at least, said Yorick, a great deal 
 of reason and plain sense in captain Shandy's 
 opinion of love; and 'tis amongst the ill- 
 spent hours of my life, which I have to 
 answer for, that I have read so many 
 flourishing poets and rhetoricians in my 
 time, from whom I never could extract so 
 much 
 
 I wish, Yorick, said my father, you had 
 
 00
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 read Plato; for there you would have learnt 
 that there are two LOVES I know there 
 were two RELIGIONS, replied Y&rick, amongst 
 
 the ancients one for the vulgar, and 
 
 another for the learned; but I think ONE 
 LOVE might have served both of them very 
 well 
 
 It could not; replied my father and for 
 the same reasons : for of these Loves, accord- 
 ing to Fidnus^s comment upon Velasius, 
 the one is rational 
 
 the other is natural 
 
 the first ancient without mother 
 
 where Venus had nothing to do : the second, 
 begotten of Jupiter and Dione 
 
 Pray, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 
 what has a man who believes in God to do 
 with this? My father could not stop to 
 answer, for fear of breaking the thread of 
 his discourse 
 
 This latter, continued he, partakes wholly 
 of the nature of Venus. 
 
 The first, which is the golden chain let 
 down from heaven, excites to love heroic, 
 which comprehends in it, and excites to the 
 
 desire of philosophy and truth the second, 
 
 excites to desire, simply 
 
 901
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 1 think the procreation of children as 
 
 beneficial to the world, said Yorick, as the 
 finding out the longitude 
 
 To be sure, said my mother, love 
 
 keeps peace in the world 
 
 In the house my dear, I own 
 
 -It replenishes the earth; said my 
 
 mother- 
 But it keeps heaven empty my dear; re- 
 plied my father. 
 
 'Tis Virginity, cried Slop, triumphant- 
 ly, which fills paradise. 
 
 Well push'd nun! quoth my father. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 MY father had such a skirmishing, cut- 
 ting kind of a slashing way with 
 him in his disputations, thrusting 
 and ripping, and giving every one a stroke 
 to remember him by in his turn that if 
 there were twenty people in company in 
 less than half an hour he was sure to have 
 every one of 'em against him. 
 
 202
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 What did not a little contribute to leave 
 him thus without an ally, was, that if there 
 was any one post more untenable than the 
 rest, he would be sure to throw himself 
 into it; and to do him justice, when he 
 was once there, he would defend it so gal- 
 
 ^9 
 
 lantly, that 'twould have been a concern, 
 either to a brave man or a good-natured 
 one, to have seen him driven out. 
 
 Yorick, for this reason, though he would 
 often attack him yet could never bear to 
 do it with all his force. 
 
 Doctor Slop's VIRGINITY, hi the close of 
 the last chapter, had got him for once on 
 the right side of the rampart; and he was 
 beginning to blow up all the convents in 
 Christendom about Slop's ears, when cor- 
 poral Trim came into the parlour to in- 
 form my uncle Toby, that his thin scarlet 
 breeches, in which the attack was to be 
 made upon Mrs Wadman, would not do; 
 for, that the taylor, in ripping them up, in 
 order to turn them, had found they had 
 
 been turn'd before Then turn them 
 
 again, brother, said my father rapidly, for 
 there will be many a turning of 'em yet 
 before all's done in the affair They are 
 
 903
 
 "THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 as rotten as dirt, said the corporal Then 
 
 by all means, said my father, bespeak a 
 
 new pair, brother for though I know, 
 
 continued my father, turning himself to the 
 company, that widow Wadman has been 
 deeply in love with my brother Toby for 
 many years, and has used every art and 
 circumvention of woman to outwit him into 
 the same passion, yet now that she has 
 
 caught him her fever will be pass'd its 
 
 height 
 
 -She has gain'd her point. 
 
 In this case, continued my father, which 
 Plato, I am persuaded, never thought of 
 Love, you see, is not so much a SEN- 
 TIMENT as a SITUATION, into which a man 
 enters, as my brother Toby would do, into 
 
 a corps no matter whether he loves the 
 
 service or no being once in it he acts 
 
 as if he did; and takes every step to shew 
 himself a man of prowesse. 
 
 The hypothesis, like the rest of my 
 father's, was plausible enough, and my 
 uncle Toby had but a single word to 
 object to it in which Trim stood ready 
 
 to second him but my father had not 
 
 drawn his conclusion 
 
 204
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 For this reason, continued my father 
 (stating the case over again) notwith- 
 standing all the world knows, that Mrs 
 Wadman affects my brother Toby and my 
 brother Toby contrariwise affects Mrs Wad- 
 man, and no obstacle in nature to forbid 
 the music striking up this very night, yet 
 will I answer for it, that this self-same tune 
 will not be play'd this twelvemonth. 
 
 We have taken our measures badly, quoth 
 my uncle Toby, looking up interrogatively in 
 Trim's face. 
 
 I would lay my Montero-cap, said Trim 
 
 Now Trim's Montero-cap, as I once told 
 
 you, was his constant wager ; and having fur- 
 bish 'd it up that very night, in order to go 
 upon the attack it made the odds look 
 
 more considerable 1 would lay, an' please 
 
 your honour, my Montero-cap to a shilling 
 was it proper, continued Trim (making a 
 bow), to offer a wager before your hon- 
 ours 
 
 There is nothing improper in it, said 
 
 my father 'tis a mode of expression; for 
 in saying thou would'st lay thy Montero- 
 cap to a shilling all thou meanest is this 
 that thou believest 
 
 205
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Now, What do'st thou believe? 
 
 That widow Wadman, an' please your 
 worship, cannot hold it out ten days 
 
 And whence, cried Slop, jeeringly, hast 
 thou all this knowledge of woman, friend ? 
 
 By falling in love with a popish clergy- 
 woman; said Trim. 
 
 'Twas a Beguine, said my uncle Toby. 
 
 Doctor Slop was too much hi wrath to 
 listen to the distinction; and my father 
 taking that very crisis to fall in helter- 
 skelter upon the whole order of Nuns and 
 
 Beguines, a set of silly, fusty, baggages 
 
 Slop could not stand it and my uncle 
 
 Toby having some measures to take about 
 his breeches and Yorick about his fourth 
 general division in order for their several 
 attacks next day the company broke up: 
 and my father being left alone, and having 
 half an hour upon his hands betwixt that 
 and bed- time ; he called for pen, ink, and 
 paper, and wrote my uncle Toby the follow- 
 big letter of instructions: 
 
 206
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 MY DEAR BROTHER Toby, 
 
 WHAT I am going to say to thee is, 
 upon the nature of women, and of 
 love-making to them; and perhaps it 
 is as well for thee tho' not so well for me 
 that thou hast occasion for a letter of in- 
 structions upon that head, and that I am 
 able to write it to thee. 
 
 Had it been the good pleasure of him 
 who disposes of our lots and thou no suf- 
 ferer by the knowledge, I had been well 
 content that thou should 'st have dipp'd the 
 pen this moment into the ink, instead of 
 
 myself; but that not being the case 
 
 Mrs Shandy being now close beside me, 
 preparing for bed 1 have thrown to- 
 gether without order, and just as they have 
 come into my mind, such hints and docu- 
 ments as I deem may be of use to thee; 
 intending, in this, to give thee a token of 
 my love; not doubting, my dear Toby, of 
 the manner in which it will be accepted. 
 In the first place, with regard to all 
 
 which concerns religion in the affair 
 
 though I perceive from a glow in my 
 
 207
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 cheek, that I blush as I begin to speak 
 to thee upon the subject, as well knowing, 
 notwithstanding thy unaffected secrecy, how 
 few of its offices thou neglectest yet I 
 would remind thee of one (during the con- 
 tinuance of thy courtship) in a particular 
 manner, which I would not have omitted; 
 and that is, never to go forth upon the 
 enterprize, whether it be in the morning or 
 the afternoon, without first recommending 
 thyself to the protection of Almighty God, 
 that he may defend thee from the evil 
 one. 
 
 Shave the whole top of thy crown clean, 
 once at least every four or five days, but 
 oftner if convenient; lest in taking off thy 
 wig before her, thro' absence of mind, she 
 should be able to discover how much has 
 
 been cut away by Time how much by 
 
 Trim. 
 
 'Twere better to keep ideas of baldness 
 out of her fancy. 
 
 Always carry it hi thy mind, and act 
 upon it as a sure maxim, Toby 
 
 "That women are timid:' 9 And 'tis well 
 
 they are else there would be no dealing 
 
 with them. 
 
 208
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Let not thy breeches be too tight, or 
 hang too loose about thy thighs, like the 
 trunk-hose of our ancestors. 
 
 A just medium prevents all conclu- 
 sions. 
 
 Whatever thou hast to say, be it more 
 or less, forget not to utter it in a low soft 
 tone of voice. Silence, and whatever ap- 
 proaches it, weaves dreams of midnight 
 secrecy into the brain: For this cause, if 
 thou canst help it, never throw down the 
 tongs and poker. 
 
 Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and face- 
 tiousness in thy discourse with her, and do 
 whatever lies in thy power at the same 
 time, to keep from her all books and writ- 
 ings which tend thereto : there are some 
 devotional tracts, which if thou canst entice 
 her to read over it will be well: but suffer 
 her not to look into Rabelais, or Scarron, 
 or Don Quixote 
 
 They are all books which excite 
 
 laughter; and thou knowest, dear Toby, 
 that there is no passion so serious as lust. 
 
 Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, 
 before thou enterest her parlour. 
 
 And if thou art permitted to sit upon 
 
 209
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the same sopha with her, and she gives 
 thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers 
 
 beware of taking it thou canst not lay 
 
 thy hand on hers, but she will feel the 
 temper of thine. Leave that and as many 
 other things as thou canst, quite undeter- 
 mined ; by so doing, thou wilt have her 
 curiosity on thy side; and if she is not 
 conquered by that, and thy ASSE continues 
 still kicking, which there is great reason to 
 suppose Thou must begin, with first los- 
 ing a few ounces of blood below the ears, 
 according to the practice of the ancient 
 Scythians, who cured the most intemperate 
 fits of the appetite by that means. 
 
 Avicenna, after this, is for having the 
 part anointed with the syrup of hellebore, 
 
 using proper evacuations and purges and 
 
 I believe rightly. But thou must eat little 
 
 or no goat's flesh, nor red deer nor even 
 
 foal's flesh by any means; and carefully 
 
 abstain that is, as much as thou canst, 
 
 from peacocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and 
 water-hens 
 
 As for thy drink I need not tell thee, 
 it must be the infusion of VERVAIN, and 
 the herb HANEA, of which ^Elian relates 
 
 210
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 such effects but if thy stomach palls with 
 it discontinue it from time to time, taking 
 cucumbers, melons, purslane, water-lillies, 
 wood -bine, and lettice, in the stead of 
 them. 
 
 There is nothing further for thee, which 
 occurs to me at present 
 
 Unless the breaking out of a fresh 
 
 war So wishing every thing, dear Toby, 
 
 for the best, 
 
 I rest thy affectionate brother, 
 
 WALTER SHANDY. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 WHILST my father was writing his 
 letter of instructions, my uncle Toby 
 and the corporal were busy in pre- 
 paring every thing for the attack. As the 
 turning of the thin scarlet breeches was laid 
 aside (at least for the present), there was 
 nothing which should put it off beyond the 
 next morning; so accordingly it was resolv'd 
 upon, for eleven o'clock.
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Come, my dear, said my father to my 
 mother 'twill be but like a brother and 
 sister, if you and I take a walk down to 
 
 my brother Toby's to countenance him 
 
 in this attack of his. 
 
 My uncle Toby and the corporal had 
 been accoutred both some time, when my 
 father and mother enter 'd, and the clock 
 striking eleven, were that moment in mo- 
 tion to sally forth but the account of 
 this is worth more than to be wove into 
 the fag end of the eighth* volume of such 
 
 a work as this. My father had no time 
 
 but to put the letter of instructions into 
 
 my uncle Toby's coat-pocket and join 
 
 with my mother in wishing his attack pros- 
 perous. 
 
 I could like, said my mother, to look 
 
 through the key-hole out of curiosity 
 
 Call it by its right name, my dear, quoth 
 my father 
 
 And look through the key-hole as long as 
 you wilL 
 
 * Alluding to the first edition. 
 fit
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, 
 
 GENTLEMAN. 
 
 8i quid urbaniutcule luswn a nobly, per Musas et Charitat et 
 omnium poetarum Numina, Oro te, ne me maU capias.
 
 A DEDICATION 
 
 TO 
 
 A GREAT MAN. 
 
 HAVING, a priori, intended to dedicate 
 The Amours of my Uncle Toby to 
 
 Mr *** 1 see more reasons, a 
 
 posteriori, for doing it to Lord *******. 
 
 I should lament from my soul, if this 
 exposed me to the jealousy of their Rever- 
 ences; because a posteriori, in Court-latin, 
 signifies the kissing hands for preferment 
 or any thing else in order to get it 
 
 My opinion of Lord ******* is neither 
 better nor worse, than it was of Mr * * *. 
 Honours, like impressions upon coin, may 
 give an ideal and local value to a bit of 
 base metal; but Gold and Silver will pass 
 all the world over without any other recom- 
 mendation than their own weight. 
 
 817
 
 DEDICATION 
 
 The same good-will that made me think 
 of offering up half an hour's amusement to 
 Mr * * * when out of place operates more 
 forcibly at present, as half an hour's amuse- 
 ment will be more serviceable and refresh- 
 ing after labour and sorrow, than after a 
 philosophical repast. 
 
 Nothing is so perfectly amusement as a 
 total change of ideas; no ideas are so to- 
 tally different as those of Ministers, and 
 innocent Lovers: for which reason, when I 
 come to talk of Statesmen and Patriots, 
 and set such marks upon them as will 
 prevent confusion and mistakes concerning 
 them for the future I propose to dedicate 
 that Volume to some gentle Shepherd, 
 
 Whose thoughts proud Science never taught to stray, 
 
 Far as the Statesman's walk or Patriot-way; 
 
 Yet simple Nature to his hopes had given 
 
 Out of a cloud-capp'd head a humbler heaven; 
 
 Some untam'd World in depths of wood embraced 
 
 Some happier Island in the watry-waste 
 
 And where admitted to that equal sky, 
 
 His faithful Dog should bear him company. 
 
 In a word, by thus introducing an entire 
 new set of objects to his Imagination, I 
 
 18
 
 DEDICATION 
 
 shall unavoidably give a Diversion to his 
 passionate and love- sick Contemplations. 
 In the mean time, 
 
 I am 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 919
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT. 
 BOOK IX. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 1CALL all the powers of time and 
 chance, which severally check us in 
 our careers in this world, to bear 
 me witness, that I could never yet get 
 fairly to my uncle Toby's amours, till this 
 very moment, that my mother's curiosity, 
 
 as she stated the affair, or a different 
 
 impulse in her, as my father would have 
 
 it wished her to take a peep at them 
 
 through the key-hole. 
 
 Ml
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 "Call it, my dear, by its right name, 
 quoth my father, and look through the 
 key-hole as long as you will." 
 
 Nothing but the fermentation of that 
 little subacid humour, which I have often 
 spoken of, in my father's habit, could have 
 vented such an insinuation he was how- 
 ever frank and generous in his nature, and 
 at all times open to conviction; so that 
 he had scarce got to the last word of this 
 ungracious retort, when his conscience smote 
 him. 
 
 My mother was then conjugally swinging 
 with her left arm twisted under his right, 
 in such wise, that the inside of her hand 
 rested upon the back of his she raised her 
 fingers, and let them fall it could scarce 
 
 be call'd a tap ; or if it was a tap 
 
 'twould have puzzled a casuist to say, 
 whether 'twas a tap of remonstrance, or a 
 tap of confession: my father, who was all 
 sensibilities from head to foot, class' d it 
 right Conscience redoubled her blow he 
 turn'd his face suddenly the other way, and 
 my mother supposing his body was about 
 to turn with it in order to move home- 
 wards, by a cross movement of her right
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 leg, keeping her left as its centre, brought 
 herself so far in front, that as he turned 
 
 his head, he met her eye Confusion 
 
 again! he saw a thousand reasons to wipe 
 out the reproach, and as many to reproach 
 
 himself a thin, blue, chill, pellucid chrys- 
 
 tal with all its humours so at rest, the least 
 mote or speck of desire might have been 
 seen, at the bottom of it, had it existed 
 
 it did not and how I happen to be 
 
 so lewd myself, particularly a little before 
 
 the vernal and autumnal equinoxes 
 
 Heaven above knows My mother 
 
 madam was so at no time, either by 
 
 nature, by institution, or example. 
 
 A temperate current of blood ran orderly 
 through her veins in all months of the year, 
 and in all critical moments both of the day 
 and night alike; nor did she superinduce 
 the least heat into her humours from the 
 manual effervescencies of devotional tracts, 
 which having little or no meaning in them, 
 
 nature is oft-times obliged to find one 
 
 And as for my father's example! 'twas so 
 far from being either aiding or abetting 
 thereunto, that 'twas the whole business of 
 his life to keep all fancies of that kind out
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of her head Nature had done her part, 
 
 to have spared him this trouble; and what 
 was not a little inconsistent, my father 
 
 knew it And here am I sitting, this 
 
 12th day of August, 1766, in a purple 
 jerkin and yellow pair of slippers, without 
 either wig or cap on, a most tragicomical 
 completion of his prediction, "That I should 
 neither think, nor act like any other man's 
 child, upon that very account." 
 
 The mistake in my father, was in attack- 
 ing my mother's motive, instead of the act 
 itself; for certainly key-holes were made for 
 other purposes; and considering the act, as 
 an act which interfered with a true propo- 
 sition, and denied a key-hole to be what it 
 
 was it became a violation of nature; 
 
 and was so far, you see, criminal. 
 
 It is for this reason, an' please your 
 Reverences, That key-holes are the occa- 
 sions of more sin and wickedness, than all 
 other holes hi this world put together. 
 
 which leads me to my uncle Toby's 
 
 amours.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 THOUGH the corporal had been as 
 good as his word in putting my 
 uncle Toby's great ramallie-wig into 
 pipes, yet the time was too short to pro- 
 duce any great effects from it: it had lain 
 many years squeezed up in the corner of 
 his old campaign trunk; and as bad forms 
 are not so easy to be got the better of, 
 and the use of candle-ends not so well 
 understood, it was not so pliable a busi- 
 ness as one would have wished. The cor- 
 poral with cheary eye and both arms ex- 
 tended, had fallen back perpendicular from 
 it a score times, to inspire it, if possible, 
 
 with a better ah* had SPLEEN given a 
 
 look at it, 'twould have cost her ladyship 
 
 a smile it curl'd every where but where 
 
 the corporal would have it; and where a 
 buckle or two, in his opinion, would have 
 done it honour, he could as soon have 
 raised the dead. 
 
 Such it was or rather such would it have 
 
 996
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 seem'd upon any other brow; but the sweet 
 look of goodness which sat upon my uncle 
 Toby's, assimilated every thing around it so 
 sovereignly to itself, and Nature had more- 
 over wrote GENTLEMAN with so fair a hand 
 in every line of his countenance, that even 
 his tarnish' d gold-laced hat and huge cock- 
 ade of flimsy taffeta became him; and 
 though not worth a button hi themselves, 
 yet the moment my uncle Toby put them 
 on, they became serious objects, and alto- 
 gether seem'd to have been picked up by 
 the hand of Science to set him off to ad- 
 vantage. 
 
 Nothing in this world could have co- 
 operated more powerfully towards this, than 
 
 my uncle Toby's blue and gold had not 
 
 Quantity in some measure been necessary to 
 Grace: in a period of fifteen or sixteen 
 years since they had been made, by a total 
 inactivity in my uncle Toby's life, for he 
 seldom went further than the bowling- 
 green his blue and gold had become so 
 miserably too strait for him, that it was 
 with the utmost difficulty the corporal was 
 able to get him into them: the taking 
 them up at the sleeves, was of no advan- 
 226
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tage. They were laced however down 
 
 the back, and at the seams of the sides, 
 &c. in the mode of King William's reign; 
 and to shorten all description, they shone 
 so bright against the sun that morning, 
 and had so metallick, and doughty an air with 
 them, that had my uncle Toby thought of 
 attacking in armour, nothing could have so 
 well imposed upon his imagination. 
 
 As for the thin scarlet breeches, they 
 had been unripp'd by the taylor between 
 the legs, and left at sixes and sevens 
 
 Yes, Madam, but let us govern 
 
 our fancies. It is enough they were held 
 impracticable the night before, and as 
 there was no alternative in my uncle 
 Toby's wardrobe, he sallied forth in the 
 red plush. 
 
 The corporal had array 'd himself hi poor 
 Le Fever's regimental coat; and with his 
 hair tuck'd up under his Montero-ca,p, 
 which he had furbish 'd up for the occa- 
 sion, march' d three paces distant from his 
 master : a whiff of military pride had pufFd 
 out his shirt at the wrist; and upon that, 
 in a black leather thong clipp'd into a 
 tassel beyond the knot, hung the corporal's 
 
 227
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 stick My uncle Toby carried his cane 
 
 like a pike. 
 
 It looks well at least; quoth my 
 
 father to himself. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 MY uncle Toby turn'd his head more 
 than once behind him, to see how 
 he was supported by the corporal; 
 and the corporal as oft as he did it, gave 
 a slight flourish with his stick but not 
 vapouringly; and with the sweetest accent 
 of most respectful encouragement, bid his 
 honour "never fear." 
 
 Now my uncle Toby did fear; and griev- 
 ously too: he knew not (as my father had 
 reproach'd him) so much as the right end 
 of a Woman from the wrong, and there- 
 fore was never altogether at his ease near 
 
 any one of them unless in sorrow or 
 
 distress; then infinite was his pity; nor 
 would the most courteous knight of ro- 
 mance have gone further, at least upon one 
 leg, to have wiped away a tear from a wo- 
 man's eye; and yet excepting once that he 
 
 228
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 was beguiled into it by Mrs Wadman, he 
 had never looked stedfastly into one; and 
 would often tell my father hi the sim- 
 plicity of his heart, that it was almost (if 
 
 not about) as bad as talking bawdy. 
 
 And suppose it is? my father would 
 
 say. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 SHE cannot, quoth my uncle Toby, halting, 
 when they had march 'd up to within 
 twenty paces of Mrs Wadmari's door 
 she cannot, corporal, take it amiss. 
 
 She will take it, an' please your hon- 
 our, said the corporal, just as the Jew's widow 
 at Lisbon took it of my brother Tom. 
 
 And how was that? quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby, facing quite about to the corporal. 
 
 Your honour, replied the corporal, knows 
 of Tom's misfortunes; but this affair has 
 nothing to do with them any further than 
 this, That if Tom had not married the 
 
 widow or had it pleased God after their 
 
 marriage, that they had but put pork into 
 their sausages, the honest soul had never 
 
 939
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 been taken out of his warm bed, and 
 
 dragg'd to the inquisition 'Tis a cursed 
 
 place added the corporal, shaking his head, 
 when once a poor creature is in, he is in, 
 an' please your honour, for ever. 
 
 'Tis very true ; said my uncle Toby looking 
 gravely at Mrs Wadman's house, as he spoke. 
 
 Nothing, continued the corporal, can be 
 so sad as confinement for life or so sweet, 
 an' please your honour, as liberty. 
 
 Nothing, Trim said my uncle Toby, 
 
 musing 
 
 Whilst a man is free cried the corporal, 
 giving a flourish with his stick thus 
 
 230
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 A thousand of my father's most subtle 
 syllogisms could not have said more for 
 celibacy. 
 
 My uncle Toby look'd earnestly towards 
 his cottage and his bowling-green. 
 
 The corporal had unwarily conjured up 
 the Spirit of calculation with his wand; 
 and he had nothing to do, but to conjure 
 him down again with his story, and in this 
 form of Exorcism, most un-ecclesiastically 
 did the coporal do it. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 AS Tom's place, an' please your honour, 
 was easy and the weather warm it 
 put him upon thinking seriously of 
 settling himself in the world; and as it fell 
 out about that time, that a Jew who kept 
 a sausage shop in the same street, had the 
 ill luck to die of a strangury, and leave his 
 widow in possession of a rousing trade 
 Tom thought (as every body in Lisbon was 
 doing the best he could devise for himself) 
 
 231
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 there could be no harm in offering her his 
 service to carry it on: so without any intro- 
 duction to the widow, except that of buy- 
 ing a pound of sausages at her shop Tom 
 set out counting the matter thus within 
 himself, as he walk'd along; that let the 
 worst come of it that could, he should 
 at least get a pound of sausages for their 
 worth but, if things went well, he should 
 be set up; inasmuch as he should get not 
 only a pound of sausages but a wife, and 
 a sausage shop, an' please your honour, into 
 the bargain. 
 
 Every servant in the family, from high to 
 low, wish'd Tom success; and I can fancy, 
 an' please your honour, I see him this mo- 
 ment with his white dimity waistcoat and 
 breeches, and hat a little o' one side, pass- 
 ing jollily along the street, swinging his 
 stick, with a smile and a chearful word for 
 
 every body he met : But alas ! Tom ! 
 
 thou smilest no more, cried the corporal, 
 looking on one side of him upon the 
 ground, as if he apostrophised him in his 
 dungeon. 
 
 Poor fellow! said my uncle Toby, feel- 
 ingly.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 He was an honest, light-hearted lad, 
 an' please your honour, as ever blood 
 warm'd 
 
 Then he resembled thee, Trim, said 
 
 my uncle Toby, rapidly. 
 
 The corporal blush'd down to his fingers' 
 ends a tear of sentimental bashfulness 
 another of gratitude to my uncle Toby 
 and a tear of sorrow for his brother's mis- 
 fortunes, started into his eye, and ran 
 sweetly down his cheek together; my uncle 
 Toby's kindled as one lamp does at another; 
 and taking hold of the breast of Trim's 
 coat (which had been that of Le Fever's), 
 as if to ease his lame leg, but in reality 
 
 to gratify a finer feeling he stood silent 
 
 for a minute and a half; at the end of 
 which he took his hand away, and the 
 corporal making a bow, went on with his 
 story of his brother and the Jew's widow. 
 
 233
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 WHEN Tom, an' please your honour, 
 got to the shop, there was nobody 
 in it, but a poor negro girl, with a 
 bunch of white feathers slightly tied to the 
 end of a long cane, flapping away flies not 
 
 killing them. 'Tis a pretty picture! said 
 
 my uncle Toby she had suffered persecu- 
 tion, Trim, and had learnt mercy 
 
 She was good, an' please your hon- 
 our, from nature, as well as from hardships; 
 and there are circumstances in the story of 
 that poor friendless slut, that would melt a 
 heart of stone, said Trim; and some dismal 
 winter's evening, when your honour is in 
 the humour, they shall be told you with 
 the rest of Tom's story, for it makes a 
 part of it 
 
 Then do not forget, Trim, said my uncle 
 Toby. 
 
 A negro has a soul ? an' please your hon- 
 our, said the corporal (doubtingly). 
 
 I am not much versed, corporal, quoth 
 my uncle Toby, in things of that kind; but 
 
 234
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 I suppose, God would not leave him with- 
 out one, any more than thee or me 
 
 It would be putting one sadly over 
 
 the head of another, quoth the corporal. 
 
 It would so; said my uncle Toby. Why 
 then, an' please your honour, is a black 
 wench to be used worse than a white 
 one ? 
 
 I can give no reason, said my uncle 
 Toby 
 
 Only, cried the corporal, shaking his 
 
 head, because she has no one to stand up 
 for her 
 
 'Tis that very thing, Trim, quoth 
 
 my uncle Toby, which recommends her 
 
 to protection and her brethren with her; 
 
 'tis the fortune of war which has put the 
 
 whip into our hands now where it may 
 
 be hereafter, heaven knows ! but be it 
 
 where it will, the brave, Trim! will not use 
 it unkindly. 
 
 God forbid, said the corporal. 
 
 Amen, responded my uncle Toby, laying 
 his hand upon his heart. 
 
 The corporal returned to his story, and 
 
 went on but with an embarrassment in 
 
 doing it, which here and there a reader in 
 
 235
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 this world will not be able to comprehend; 
 for by the many sudden transitions all 
 along, from one kind and cordial passion 
 to another, in getting thus far on his way, 
 he had lost the sportable key of his voice, 
 which gave sense and spirit to his tale: he 
 attempted twice to resume it, but could 
 not please himself; so giving a stout heml 
 to rally back the retreating spirits, and aid- 
 ing nature at the same time with his left 
 arm a-kimbo on one side, and with his 
 right a little extended, supporting her on 
 the other the corporal got as near the 
 note as he could; and in that attitude, 
 continued his story. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 AS Torn, an' please your honour, had no 
 business at that time with the Moorish 
 girl, he passed on into the room be- 
 yond, to talk to the Jew's widow about love 
 
 and this pound of sausages; and being, 
 
 as I have told your honour, an open, cheary- 
 
 336
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 hearted lad, with his character wrote in his 
 looks and carriage, he took a chair, and with- 
 out much apology, but with great civility at 
 the same time, placed it close to her at the 
 table, and sat down. 
 
 There is nothing so awkward, as courting 
 a woman, an' please your honour, whilst she 
 is making sausages So Tom began a dis- 
 course upon them; first, gravely, "as 
 
 how they were made with what meats, 
 
 herbs, and spices" Then a little gayly, 
 
 as, "With what skins and if they never 
 
 burst Whether the largest were not the 
 
 best?" and so on taking care only as 
 
 he went along, to season what he had to 
 say upon sausages, rather under, than over; 
 that he might have room to act in 
 
 It was owing to the neglect of that very 
 precaution, said my uncle Toby, laying his 
 hand upon Trim's shoulder, that Count De 
 la Motte lost the battle of Wynendale : he 
 pressed too speedily into the wood; which 
 if he had not done, Lisle had not fallen 
 into our hands, nor Ghent and Bruges, 
 which both followed her example; it was 
 so late in the year, continued my uncle 
 Toby, and so terrible a season came on, 
 
 237
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 that if things had not fallen out as they 
 did, our troops must have perish'd in the 
 open field. 
 
 Why, therefore, may not battles, an' 
 
 please your honour, as well as marriages, 
 be made in heaven ? My uncle Toby 
 mused. 
 
 Religion inclined him to say one thing, 
 and his high idea of military skill tempted 
 him to say another; so not being able to 
 
 frame a reply exactly to his mind my 
 
 uncle Toby said nothing at all; and the cor- 
 poral finished his story. 
 
 As Tom perceived, an' please your hon- 
 our, that he gained ground, and that all he 
 had said upon the subject of sausages was 
 kindly taken, he went on to help her a 
 
 little in making them. First, by taking 
 
 hold of the ring of the sausage whilst she 
 stroked the forced meat down with her 
 
 hand then by cutting the strings into 
 
 proper lengths, and holding them in his 
 hand, whilst she took them out one by 
 
 one then, by putting them across her 
 
 mouth, that she might take them out as 
 
 she wanted them and so on from little 
 
 to more, till at last he adventured to tie 
 
 238
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the sausage himself, whilst she held the 
 snout. 
 
 Now a widow, an' please your hon- 
 our, always chuses a second husband as un- 
 like the first as she can: so the affair was 
 more than half settled in her mind before 
 Tom mentioned it. 
 
 She made a feint however of defending 
 
 herself, by snatching up a sausage: 
 
 Tom instantly laid hold of another 
 
 But seeing Tom's had more gristle in 
 it 
 
 She signed the capitulation and Tom 
 
 sealed it; and there was an end of the 
 matter. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 ALL womankind, continued Trim, (com- 
 menting upon his story) from the 
 highest to the lowest, an' please 
 your honour, love jokes; the difficulty is 
 to know how they chuse to have them cut; 
 and there is no knowing that, but by try- 
 ing, as we do with our artillery in the field,
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 by raising or letting down their breeches, 
 till we hit the mark. 
 
 1 like the comparison, said my uncle 
 
 Toby, better than the thing itself 
 
 Because your honour, quoth the cor- 
 poral, loves glory, more than pleasure. 
 
 I hope, Trim, answered my uncle Toby, 
 I love mankind more than either; and as 
 the knowledge of arms tends so apparently 
 
 to the good and quiet of the world 
 
 and particularly that branch of it which we 
 have practised together in our bowling- 
 green, has no object but to shorten the 
 strides of AMBITION, and intrench the lives 
 and fortunes of the few, from the plunder- 
 ings of the many whenever that drum 
 
 beats in our ears, I trust, corporal, we 
 shall neither of us want so much humanity 
 and fellow-feeling, as to face about and 
 march. 
 
 In pronouncing this, my uncle Toby faced 
 about, and march 'd firmly as at the head of 
 
 his company and the faithful corporal, 
 
 shouldering his stick, and striking his hand 
 upon his coat-skirt as he took his first step 
 
 march' d close behind him down the 
 
 avenue. 
 
 240
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Now what can their two noddles be 
 
 about? cried my father to my mother 
 
 by all that's strange, they are besieging 
 Mrs Wadman hi form, and are marching 
 round her house to mark out the lines of 
 circumvallation. 
 
 I dare say, quoth my mother But 
 
 stop, dear Sir for what my mother dared 
 
 to say upon the occasion and what my 
 
 father did say upon it with her replies 
 
 and his rejoinders, shall be read, perused, 
 paraphrased, commented, and descanted upon 
 or to say it all in a word, shall be thumb'd 
 
 over by Posterity in a chapter apart 1 say, 
 
 by Posterity and care not, if I repeat the 
 word again for what has this book done 
 more than the Legation of Moses., or the 
 Tale of a Tub, that it may not swim down 
 the gutter of Time along with them? 
 
 I will not argue the matter: Time wastes 
 too fast: every letter I trace tells me with 
 what rapidity Life follows my pen; the 
 days and hours of it, more precious, my 
 dear Jenny! than the rubies about thy 
 neck, are flying over our heads like light 
 clouds of a windy day, never to return 
 more every thing presses on whilst 
 
 241
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 thou art twisting that lock, see ! it 
 
 grows grey; and every time I kiss thy 
 hand to bid adieu, and every absence which 
 follows it, are preludes to that eternal sepa- 
 ration which we are shortly to make. 
 
 Heaven have mercy upon us both! 
 
 N 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 OW, for what the world thinks of 
 
 that ejaculation 1 would not give 
 
 a groat. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 MY mother had gone with her left arm 
 twisted in my father's right, till they 
 had got to the fatal angle of the old 
 garden wall, where Doctor Slop was over- 
 thrown by Obadiah on the coach-horse: as 
 this was directly opposite to the front of
 
 WBromtof $>*>'
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Mrs Wadman's house, when my father came 
 to it, he gave a look across; and seeing my 
 uncle Toby and the corporal within ten 
 
 paces of the door, he tum'd about "Let 
 
 us just stop a moment, quoth my father, 
 and see with what ceremonies my brother 
 Toby and his man Trim make their first 
 
 entry it will not detain us, added my 
 
 father, a single minute:" No matter, if 
 
 it be ten minutes, quoth my mother. 
 
 It will not detain us half one; said 
 
 my father. 
 
 The corporal was just then setting in 
 with the story of his brother Tom and the 
 Jew's widow: the story went on and on 
 
 it had episodes in it it came back, 
 
 and went on and on again; there was 
 
 no end of it the reader found it very 
 
 long 
 
 G help my father! he pish'd fifty 
 
 times at every new attitude, and gave the 
 corporal's stick, with all its flourishings and 
 danglings, to as many devils as chose to 
 accept of them. 
 
 When issues of events like these my 
 father is waiting for, are hanging in the 
 scales of fate, the mind has the advantage 
 
 243
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of changing the principle of expectation 
 three times, without which it would not 
 have power to see it out. 
 
 Curiosity governs the first moment; and 
 the second moment is all oeconomy to jus- 
 tify the expence of the first and for the 
 
 third, fourth, fifth, and sixth moments, and 
 so on to the day of judgment 'tis a point 
 of HONOUR. 
 
 I need not be told, that the ethic writers 
 have assigned this all to Patience; but that 
 VIRTUE, methinks, has extent of dominion 
 sufficient of her own, and enough to do 
 hi it, without invading the few dismantled 
 castles which HONOUR has left him upon 
 the earth. 
 
 My father stood it out as well as he 
 could with these three auxiliaries to the 
 end of Trim's story; and from thence to 
 the end of my uncle Toby's panegyrick 
 upon arms, in the chapter following it; 
 when seeing, that instead of marching up 
 to Mrs Wadmari*s door, they both faced 
 about and march'd down the avenue dia- 
 metrically opposite to his expectation he 
 broke out at once with that little subacid 
 soreness of humour which, in certain situa- 
 
 244
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 tions, distinguished his character from that 
 of all other men. 
 
 N 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 OW what can their two noddles 
 be about?" cried my father -- 
 &c. 
 
 I dare say, said my mother, they are 
 making fortifications 
 
 Not on Mrs Wadmari's premises! 
 
 cried my father, stepping back 
 
 I suppose not: quoth my mother. 
 
 I wish, said my father, raising his voice, 
 the whole science of fortification at the devil, 
 with all its trumpery of saps, mines, blinds, 
 gabions, fausse-brays and cuvetts 
 
 They are foolish things said my 
 
 mother. 
 
 Now she had a way, which, by the bye, 
 I would this moment give away my purple 
 jerkin, and my yellow slippers into the bar- 
 gain, if some of your reverences would im- 
 itate and that was, never to refuse her 
 
 ti5
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 assent and consent to any proposition my 
 father laid before her, merely because she 
 did not understand it, or had no ideas of 
 the principal word or term of art, upon 
 which the tenet or proposition rolled. She 
 contented herself with doing all that her 
 godfathers and godmothers promised for her 
 but no more; and so would go on using 
 a hard word twenty years together and 
 replying to it too, if it was a verb, hi all 
 its moods and tenses, without giving her- 
 self any trouble to enquire about it. 
 
 This was an eternal source of misery to 
 my father, and broke the neck, at the first 
 setting out, of more good dialogues be- 
 tween them, than could have done the 
 
 most petulant contradiction the few 
 
 which survived were the better for the 
 cuvetts 
 
 "They are foolish things;" said my 
 mother. 
 
 Particularly the cuvetts; replied my 
 
 father. 
 
 'Tis enough he tasted the sweet of 
 triumph and went on. 
 
 Not that they are, properly speaking, 
 Mrs Wadman's premises, said my father, 
 
 846
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 partly correcting himself because she is 
 but tenant for life 
 
 That makes a great difference said 
 
 my mother 
 
 In a fool's head, replied my father 
 
 Unless she should happen to have a child 
 said my mother 
 
 But she must persuade my brother 
 
 Toby first to get her one 
 
 To be sure, Mr Shandy, quoth my 
 
 mother. 
 
 Though if it comes to persuasion 
 
 said my father Lord have mercy upon 
 them. 
 
 Amen: said my mother, piano. 
 
 Amen: cried my father, fortissimL 
 
 Amen: said my mother again but with 
 
 such a sighing cadence of personal pity at 
 the end of it, as discomfited every fibre 
 about my father he instantly took out his 
 almanack; but before he could untie it, 
 Yorick's congregation coming out of church, 
 became a full answer to one-half of his bus- 
 iness with it and my mother telling him it 
 was a sacrament day left him as little in 
 doubt, as to the other part He put his 
 almanack into his pocket. 
 
 47
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 The first Lord of the Treasury thinking 
 of ways and means, could not have returned 
 home, with a more embarrassed look. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 UPON looking back from the end of the 
 last chapter, and surveying the texture 
 of what has been wrote, it is neces- 
 sary, that upon this page and the three fol- 
 lowing, a good quantity of heterogeneous 
 matter be inserted, to keep up that just 
 balance betwixt wisdom and folly, without 
 which a book would not hold together a 
 single year : nor is it a poor creeping 
 digression (which but for the name of, a 
 man might continue as well going on in 
 the king's highway) which will do the busi- 
 ness no; if it is to be a digression, it 
 
 must be a good frisky one, and upon a 
 frisky subject too, where neither the horse 
 or his rider are to be caught, but by re- 
 bound. 
 
 The only difficulty, is raising powers suit- 
 
 248
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 able to the nature of the service: FANCY 
 is capricious WIT must be searched for 
 and PLEASANTRY (good-natured slut as she 
 is) will not come in at a call, was an empire 
 to be laid- at her feet. 
 
 The best way for a man, is to say 
 
 his prayers 
 
 Only if it puts him in mind of his infirm- 
 ities and defects as well ghostly as bodily 
 for that purpose, he will find himself rather 
 worse after he has said them than before 
 for other purposes, better. 
 
 For my own part, there is not a way 
 either moral or mechanical under heaven 
 that I could think of, which I have not 
 taken with myself in this case: sometimes 
 by addressing myself directly to the soul 
 herself, and arguing the point over and over 
 again with her upon the extent of her own 
 faculties 
 
 1 never could make them an inch 
 
 the wider 
 
 Then by changing my system, and trying 
 what could be made of it upon the body, 
 by temperance, soberness, and chastity : 
 These are good, quoth I, in themselves 
 they are good, absolutely; they are good, 
 
 940
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 relatively; they are good for health they 
 are good for happiness in this world they 
 are good for happiness in the next 
 
 In short, they were good for every thing 
 but the thing wanted; and there they were 
 good for nothing, but to leave the soul just 
 as heaven made it: as for the theological 
 virtues of faith and hope, they give it 
 courage; but then that snivelling virtue of 
 Meekness (as my father would always call 
 it) takes it quite away again, so you are 
 exactly where you started. 
 
 Now in all common and ordinary cases, 
 there is nothing which I have found to 
 answer so well as this 
 
 Certainly, if there is any dependence 
 
 upon Logic, and that I am not blinded by 
 self-love, there must be something of true 
 genius about me, merely upon this symp- 
 tom of it, that I do not know what envy 
 is: for never do I hit upon any invention 
 or device which tendeth to the furtherance 
 of good writing, but I instantly make it 
 public; willing that all mankind should 
 write as well as myself. 
 
 Which they certainly will, when they 
 
 think as little. 
 
 950
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 NOW in ordinary cases, that is, when I 
 am only stupid, and the thoughts rise 
 heavily and pass gummous through 
 
 my pen 
 
 Or that I am got, I know not how, 
 into a cold unmetaphorical vein of infa- 
 mous writing, and cannot take a plumb- 
 lift out of it for my soul; so must be 
 obliged to go on writing like a Dutch 
 commentator to the end of the chapter, 
 
 unless something be done 
 
 1 never stand conferring with pen 
 
 and ink one moment; for if a pinch of 
 snuff, or a stride or two across the room 
 will not do the business for me I take a 
 razor at once; and having tried the edge of 
 it upon the palm of my hand, without fur- 
 ther ceremony, except that of first lathering 
 my beard, I shave it off; taking care only 
 if I do leave a hair, that it be not a grey 
 one: this done, I change my shirt put on 
 a better coat send for my last wig put 
 
 951
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 my topaz ring upon my finger; and in a 
 word, dress myself from one end to the 
 other of me, after my best fashion. 
 
 Now the devil in hell must be in it, if 
 this does not do: for consider, Sir, as every 
 man chuses to be present at the shaving of 
 his own beard (though there is no rule with- 
 out an exception), and unavoidably sits over- 
 against himself the whole time it is doing, 
 in case he has a hand in it the Situation, 
 like all others, has notions of her own to 
 put into the brain. 
 
 1 maintain it, the conceits of a rough- 
 bearded man, are seven years more terse and 
 juvenile for one single operation; and if they 
 did not run a risk of being quite shaved 
 away, might be carried up by continual 
 shavings, to the highest pitch of sublimity 
 How Homer could write with so long a 
 
 beard, I don't know and as it makes 
 
 against my hypothesis, I as little care 
 
 But let us return to the Toilet. 
 
 Ludovicus Sorbonensis makes this entirely 
 an affair of the body (efwre^ irpafa) as he 
 
 calls it but he is deceived: the soul and 
 
 body are joint-sharers in every thing they 
 get: A man cannot dress, but his ideas get 
 
 Ml
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 cloath'd at the same time; and if he dresses 
 like a gentleman, every one of them stands 
 presented to his imagination, genteelized 
 along with him so that he has nothing 
 to do, but take his pen, and write like 
 himself. 
 
 For this cause, when your honours and 
 reverences would know whether I writ clean 
 and fit to be read, you will be able to 
 judge full as well by looking into my 
 Laundress's bill, as my book: there was 
 one single month in which I can make it 
 appear, that I dirtied one and thirty shirts 
 with clean writing; and after all, was more 
 abus'd, cursed, criticis'd, and confounded, 
 and had more mystic heads shaken at me, 
 for what I had wrote in that one month, 
 than in all the other months of that year 
 put together. 
 
 But their honours and reverences had 
 not seen my bills. 
 
 963
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 AS I never had any intention of begin- 
 ning the Digression, I am making all 
 this preparation for, till I come to the 
 
 15th chapter 1 have this chapter to put 
 
 to whatever use I think proper 1 have 
 
 twenty this moment ready for it 1 could 
 
 write my chapter of Button-holes hi it 
 
 Or my chapter of Pishes, which should 
 follow* them 
 
 Or my chapter of Knots, in case their 
 
 reverences have done with them they 
 
 might lead me into mischief: the safest 
 way is to follow the track of the learned, 
 and raise objections against what I have 
 been writing, tho' I declare beforehand, I 
 know no more than my heels how to an- 
 swer them. 
 
 And first, it may be said, there is a pelt- 
 ing kind of thersitical satire, as black as the 
 
 very ink 'tis wrote with (and by the 
 
 bye, whoever says so, is indebted to the 
 
 254
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 muster-master general of the Grecian army, 
 for suffering the name of so ugly and foul- 
 mouth'd a man as Thersites to continue 
 
 upon his roll for it has furnish 'd him 
 
 with an epithet) in these productions he 
 
 will urge, all the personal washings and 
 scrubbings upon earth do a sinking genius 
 
 no sort of good but just the contrary, 
 
 inasmuch as the dirtier the fellow is, the 
 better generally he succeeds in it. 
 
 To this, I have no other answer at least 
 
 ready but that the Archbishop of Bene- 
 
 vento wrote his nasty Romance of the Gala- 
 tea, as all the world knows, in a purple coat, 
 waistcoat, and purple pair of breeches; and 
 that the penance set him of writing a com- 
 mentary upon the book of the Revelations, 
 as severe as it was look'd upon by one part 
 of the world, was far from being deem'd 
 so, by the other, upon the single account of 
 that Investment. 
 
 Another objection, to all this remedy, is 
 its want of universality; forasmuch as the 
 shaving part of it, upon which so much 
 stress is laid, by an unalterable law of na- 
 ture excludes one-half of the species entirely 
 from its use: all I can say is, that female 
 
 955
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 writers, whether of England, or of France, 
 
 must e'en go without it 
 
 As for the Spanish ladies 1 am in no 
 
 sort of distress 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 ' I \HE fifteenth chapter is come at last; 
 X and brings nothing with it but a sad 
 signature of "How our pleasures slip 
 from under us in this world!" 
 
 For in talking of my digression 1 de- 
 clare before heaven I have made it! What 
 a strange creature is mortal man! said she. 
 
 'Tis very true, said I but 'twere better 
 
 to get all these things out of our heads, and 
 return to my uncle Toby.
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 WHEN my uncle Toby and the cor- 
 poral had marched down to the bot- 
 tom of the avenue, they recollected 
 their business lay the other way; so they 
 faced about and marched up straight to 
 Mrs Wadmari's door. 
 
 I warrant your honour; said the corporal, 
 touching his Montero-ca.p with his hand, as 
 he passed him in order to give a knock at 
 
 the door My uncle Toby, contrary to his 
 
 invariable way of treating his faithful ser- 
 vant, said nothing good or bad: the truth 
 was, he had not altogether marshal'd his 
 ideas; he wish'd for another conference, and 
 as the corporal was mounting up the three 
 steps before the door he hem'd twice a 
 portion of my uncle Toby's most modest 
 spirits fled, at each expulsion, towards the 
 corporal; he stood with the rapper of the 
 door suspended for a full minute in his 
 hand, he scarce knew why. Bridget stood 
 perdue within, with her finger and her thumb 
 
 257
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 upon the latch, benumb'd with expectation; 
 and Mrs Wadman, with an eye ready to be 
 deflowered again, sat breathless behind the 
 window-curtain of her bed-chamber, watch- 
 ing their approach. 
 
 Trim! said my uncle Toby but as he 
 
 articulated the word, the minute expired, 
 and Trim let fall the rapper. 
 
 My uncle Toby perceiving that all hopes 
 of a conference were knock' d on the head 
 by it whistled Lillabullero. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 AS Mrs Bridget's finger and thumb were 
 upon the latch, the corporal did not 
 knock as oft as perchance your hon- 
 our's taylor 1 might have taken my ex- 
 ample something nearer home ; for I owe 
 mine, some five and twenty pounds at least, 
 
 and wonder at the man's patience 
 
 But this is nothing at all to the 
 
 world: only 'tis a cursed thing to be in 
 debt; and there seems to be a fatality in 
 
 258
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 the exchequers of some poor princes, par- 
 ticularly those of our house, which no 
 Economy can bind down in irons: for my 
 own part, I'm persuaded there is not any 
 one prince, prelate, pope, or potentate, great 
 or small upon earth, more desirous in his 
 heart of keeping straight with the world 
 
 than I am or who takes more likely 
 
 means for it. I never give above half a 
 
 guinea or walk with boots or cheapen 
 
 tooth-picks or lay out a shilling upon a 
 
 band-box the year round; and for the six 
 months I'm in the country, I'm upon so 
 small a scale, that with all the good tem- 
 per in the world, I outdo Rousseau, a bar 
 
 length for I keep neither man or boy, 
 
 or horse, or cow, or dog, or cat, or any 
 thing that can eat or drink, except a thin 
 poor piece of a Vestal (to keep my fire in), 
 and who has generally as bad an appetite 
 
 as myself but if you think this makes a 
 
 philosopher of me 1 would not, my good 
 
 people! give a rush for your judgments. 
 
 True philosophy but there is no treat- 
 ing the subject whilst my uncle is whistling 
 Lillabullero. 
 
 Let us go into the house. 
 
 259
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 260
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 MY UNCLE TOBY'S WHISTLE, 
 LILLIBULLERO. 
 
 The Ballad J to this tune was written in the year 1686, 
 on account of King James II. nominating to the Lieutenancy 
 of Ireland General Talbot, newly created Earl of Tyrconnel, a 
 furious Papist, who had recommended himself to his bigot ted 
 master by his arbitrary treatment of the Protestants in the 
 preceding year, when only Lieutenant General; and whose 
 subsequent conduct fully justified his expectations and their 
 fears. 
 
 This foolish Ballad, treating the Papists, and chiefly the 
 Irish, in a very ridiculous manner, had a burden, said to be 
 Irish words, " Lero, lero, lillibullero; " and made an impres- 
 sion on the (King's) army, more powerful than either the 
 philippics of Demosthenes or Cicero. The whole army, and 
 at last the people, both in city and country, were singing it 
 perpetually. Perhaps never had so slight a thing so great an 
 effect; for it contributed not a little towards the Revolution in 
 1688. 
 
 LILLIBULLERO and BULLEN-A-LAH, are said to have 
 been the watch-words used among the Irish Papists, in their 
 massacre of the Protestants in 1641. 
 
 t See Percy's Reliques of Ancient English Poetry, Vol. II, 
 
 page 358. 
 
 See Bishop Burnet's History of His Own Times; and 
 King's State of the Protestants in Ireland, 1691, 4to. 
 
 261
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 369
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 263
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 * 
 
 You shall see the very place, Madam; 
 
 said my uncle Toby. 
 
 Mrs Wadman blush 'd look'd towards 
 
 the door turn'd pale blush'd slightly 
 
 again recover 'd her natural colour 
 
 blush'd worse than ever ; which, for the 
 sake of the unlearned reader, I translate 
 
 " L d! I cannot look at it 
 
 What would the world say if I looked 
 
 at it? 
 I should drop down, if I look'd at it 
 
 / wish I could look at it 
 
 There can be no sin in looking at it. 
 / will look at it.' 9 
 
 Whilst all this was running through Mrs 
 
 964
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Wadmari's imagination, my uncle Toby had 
 risen from the sopha, and got to the other 
 side of the parlour door, to give Trim an 
 order about it in the passage - 
 
 * 
 
 1 believe it is hi the garret, said 
 my uncle Toby - 1 saw it there, an' please 
 your honour, this morning, answered Trim 
 - Then prithee, step directly for it, Trim, 
 said my uncle Toby, and bring it into the 
 parlour. 
 
 The corporal did not approve of the 
 orders, but most chearfully obeyed them. 
 The first was not an act of his will the 
 second was; so he put on his Montero-cap, 
 and went as fast as his lame knee would 
 let him. My uncle Toby returned into the 
 parlour, and sat himself down again upon 
 the sopha. 
 
 - You shall lay your finger upon the 
 place said my uncle Toby. - 1 will not 
 touch it, however, quoth Mrs Wadman to 
 herself. 
 
 This requires a second translation: it 
 shews what little knowledge is got by 
 mere words we must go up to the first 
 springs. 
 
 965
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Now in order to clear up the mist which 
 hangs upon these three pages, I must en- 
 deavour to be as clear as possible myself. 
 
 Rub your hands thrice across your fore- 
 heads blow your noses cleanse your 
 
 emunctories sneeze, my good people! 
 
 God bless you 
 
 Now give me all the help you can. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 AS there are fifty different ends (count- 
 ing all ends in as well civil as re- 
 ligious) for which a woman takes a 
 husband, she first sets about and carefully 
 weighs, then separates and distinguishes in 
 her mind, which of all that number of 
 ends, is hers: then by discourse, enquiry, 
 argumentation, and inference, she investi- 
 gates and finds out whether she has got 
 
 hold of the right one and if she has 
 
 then, by pulling it gently this way and that 
 way, she further forms a judgment, whether 
 it will not break in the drawing. 
 
 The imagery under which Slawkenbergius 
 
 266
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 impresses this upon the reader's fancy, in 
 the beginning of his third Decad, is so 
 ludicrous, that the honour I bear the sex, 
 
 will not suffer me to quote it otherwise 
 
 it is not destitute of humour. 
 
 "She first, saith Slawkenbergius, stops the 
 asse, and holding his halter in her left hand 
 (lest he should get away) she thrusts her 
 right hand into the very bottom of his pan- 
 nier to search for it For what? you'll not 
 know the sooner, quoth Slawkenbergius, for 
 interrupting me 
 
 . . 
 
 I have nothing, good Lady, but empty 
 bottles;" says the asse. 
 
 "I'm loaded with tripes;" says the sec- 
 ond. 
 
 And thou art little better, quoth she 
 
 to the third; for nothing is there in thy 
 panniers but trunk-hose and pantofles and 
 so to the fourth and fifth, going on one by 
 one through the whole string, till coming to 
 the asse which carries it, she turns the pan- 
 nier upside down, looks at it considers it 
 samples it measures it stretches it wets 
 it dries it then takes her teeth both to 
 the warp and weft of it 
 
 Of what? for the love of Christ! 
 
 267
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 I am determined, answered Slawkenbergius, 
 that all the powers upon earth shall never 
 wring that secret from my breast. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 WE live in a world beset on all sides 
 with mysteries and riddles and 
 
 so 'tis no matter else it seems 
 
 strange, that Nature, who makes every 
 thing so well to answer its destination, 
 and seldom or never errs, unless for pas- 
 time, in giving such forms and aptitudes 
 to whatever passes through her hands, that 
 whether she designs for the plough, the 
 caravan, the cart or whatever other creat- 
 ure she models, be it but an asse's foal, 
 you are sure to have the thing you wanted; 
 and yet at the same time should so eter- 
 nally bungle it as she does, in making so 
 simple a thing as a married man. 
 
 Whether it is in the choice of the clay 
 
 or that it is frequently spoiled in the 
 
 baking; by an excess of which a husband 
 
 268
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 may turn out too crusty (you know) on 
 
 one hand or not enough so, through 
 
 defect of heat, on the other or whether 
 
 this great Artificer is not so attentive to 
 the little Platonic exigences of that part 
 of the species, for whose use she is fabri- 
 cating this or that her Ladyship some- 
 times scarce knows what sort of a husband 
 
 will do 1 know not: we will discourse 
 
 about it after supper. 
 
 It is enough, that neither the observation 
 itself, or the reasoning upon it, are at all to 
 
 the purpose but rather against it; since 
 
 with regard to my uncle Toby's fitness for 
 the marriage state, nothing was ever better: 
 she had formed him of the best and kind- 
 liest clay had temper 'd it with her own 
 
 milk, and breathed into it the sweetest 
 
 spirit she had made him all gentle, 
 
 generous, and humane she had filled his 
 
 heart with trust and confidence, and dis- 
 posed every passage which led to it, for 
 the communication of the tenderest offices 
 
 she had moreover considered the other 
 
 causes for which matrimony was ordained 
 
 And accordingly * * 
 
 269
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ****** 
 
 The DONATION was not defeated by my 
 uncle Toby's wound. 
 
 Now this last article was somewhat apocry- 
 phal; and the Devil, who is the great dis- 
 turber of our faiths in this world, had raised 
 scruples in Mrs Wadmarfs brain about it; 
 and like a true devil as he was, had done 
 his own work at the same time, by turn- 
 ing my uncle Toby's Virtue thereupon into 
 nothing but empty bottles, tripes, trunk-hose, 
 and pantofles. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 MRS Bridget had pawn'd all the little 
 stock of honour a poor chambermaid 
 was worth in the world, that she 
 would get to the bottom of the affair in 
 ten days; and it was built upon one of the 
 most concessible postulata in nature: name- 
 ly, that whilst my uncle Toby was making 
 love to her mistress, the corporal could find 
 
 270
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 nothing better to do, than make love to 
 
 her "And I'll let him as much as he 
 
 will, said Bridget , to get it out of him." 
 
 Friendship has two garments; an outer, 
 and an under one. Bridget was serving 
 her mistress's interests in the one and 
 doing the thing which most pleased her- 
 self in the other; so had as many stakes 
 depending upon my uncle Toby's wound, 
 
 as the Devil himself Mrs Wadman had 
 
 but one and as it possibly might be her 
 last (without discouraging Mrs Bridget, or 
 discrediting her talents) was determined to 
 play her cards herself. 
 
 She wanted not encouragement: a child 
 
 might have look'd into his hand there 
 
 was such a plainness and simplicity in his 
 
 playing out what trumps he had with 
 
 such an unmistrusting ignorance of the ten- 
 
 ace and so naked and defenceless did he 
 
 sit upon the same sopha with widow Wad- 
 man, that a generous heart would have wept 
 to have won the game of him. 
 
 Let us drop the metaphor. 
 
 271
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 A 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 ND the story too if you please: 
 for though I have all along been 
 hastening towards this part of it, 
 with so much earnest desire, as well know- 
 ing it to be the choicest morsel of what I 
 had to offer to the world, yet now that I 
 am got to it, any one is welcome to take 
 my pen, and go on with the story for me 
 that will I see the difficulties of the de- 
 scriptions I'm going to give and feel my 
 want of powers. 
 
 It is one comfort at least to me, that 
 I lost some fourscore ounces of blood this 
 week hi a most uncritical fever which at- 
 tacked me at the beginning of this chapter; 
 so that I have still some hopes remaining, 
 it may be more in the serous or globular 
 parts of the blood, than hi the subtile aura 
 
 of the brain be it which it will an 
 
 Invocation can do no hurt and I leave 
 
 the affair entirely to the invoked, to inspire 
 or to inject me according as he sees good. 
 
 272
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 THE INVOCATION. 
 
 GENTLE Spirit of sweetest humour, 
 who erst did sit upon the easy pen 
 of my beloved CERVANTES ; Thou 
 who glided 'st daily through his lattice, 
 and turned 'st the twilight of his prison 
 into noon- day brightness by thy presence 
 
 tinged 'st his little urn of water with 
 
 heaven-sent nectar, and all the time he 
 wrote of Sancho and his master, didst cast 
 thy mystic mantle o'er his wither 'd stump,* 
 and wide extended it to all the evils of his 
 
 life 
 
 Turn in hither, I beseech thee! 
 
 behold these breeches ! they are all I 
 
 have in the world that piteous rent was 
 
 given them at Lyons 
 
 My shirts! see what a deadly schism has 
 happen' d amongst 'em for the laps are in 
 Lombardy, and the rest of 'em here I 
 never had but six, and a cunning gypsey 
 of a laundress at Milan cut me off the fore- 
 
 * He lost his hand at the battle of Lepanto. 
 
 273
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 laps of five To do her justice, she did it 
 with some consideration for I was return- 
 ing out of Italy. 
 
 And yet, notwithstanding all this, and a 
 pistol tinder-box which was moreover filch' d 
 from me at Sienna, and twice that I pay'd 
 five Pauls for two hard eggs, once at Rad- 
 dicqffini, and a second time at Capua I do 
 not think a journey through France and 
 Italy, provided a man keeps his temper all 
 the way, so bad a thing as some people 
 would make you believe: there must be 
 ups and downs, or how the duce should we 
 get into vallies where Nature spreads so 
 many tables of entertainment. 'Tis non- 
 sense to imagine they will lend you their 
 voitures to be shaken to pieces for noth- 
 ing; and unless you pay twelve sous for 
 greasing your wheels, how should the poor 
 peasant get butter to his bread? AVe really 
 expect too much and for the livre or two 
 above par for your suppers and bed at the 
 most they are but one shilling and nine- 
 pence halfpenny who would embroil their 
 
 philosophy for it? for heaven's and for your 
 
 own sake, pay it pay it with both hands 
 
 open, rather than leave Disappointment sit- 
 
 274
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 ting drooping upon the eye of your feu- 
 Hostess and her Damsels in the gate-way, 
 
 at your departure and besides, my dear 
 
 Sir, you get a sisterly kiss of each of 'em 
 worth a pound at least I did 
 
 For my uncle Toby's amours running 
 
 all the way in my head, they had the same 
 effect upon me as if they had been my 
 
 own 1 was in the most perfect state of 
 
 bounty and good- will; and felt the kindliest 
 harmony vibrating within me, with every 
 oscillation of the chaise alike; so that 
 whether the roads were rough or smooth, 
 it made no difference; every thing I saw 
 or had to do with, touch' d upon some 
 secret spring either of sentiment or rap- 
 ture. 
 
 They were the sweetest notes I ever 
 
 heard; and I instantly let down the fore- 
 glass to hear them more distinctly 'Tis 
 
 Maria; said the postillion, observing I was 
 
 listening Poor Maria, continued he 
 
 (leaning his body on one side to let me see 
 her, for he was in a line betwixt us), is sit- 
 ting upon a bank playing her vespers upon 
 her pipe, with her little goat beside her. 
 
 The young fellow utter'd this with an 
 
 275
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 accent and a look so perfectly in tune to a 
 feeling heart, that I instantly made a vow, 
 I would give him a four -and -twenty sous 
 piece, when I got to Moulins 
 
 -And who is poor Maria ? said I. 
 
 The love and piety of all the villages 
 
 around us; said the postillion it is but 
 
 three years ago, that the sun did not shine 
 upon so fair, so quick-witted and amiable a 
 maid; and better fate did Maria deserve, 
 than to have her Banns forbid, by the in- 
 trigues of the curate of the parish who pub- 
 lished them 
 
 He was going on, when Maria, who had 
 made a short pause, put the pipe to her 
 
 mouth, and began the air again they 
 
 were the same notes; yet were ten times 
 
 sweeter: It is the evening service to the 
 
 Virgin, said the young man but who has 
 
 taught her to play it or how she came by 
 her pipe, no one knows ; we think that 
 heaven has assisted her in both ; for ever 
 since she has been unsettled in her mind, 
 
 it seems her only consolation she has 
 
 never once had the pipe out of her hand, 
 but plays that service upon it almost night 
 and day. 
 
 276
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 The postillion delivered this with so much 
 discretion and natural eloquence, that I could 
 not help decyphering something in his face 
 above his condition, and should have sifted 
 out his history, had not poor Maria taken 
 such full possession of me. 
 
 We had got up by this time almost to 
 the bank where Maria was sitting: she was 
 in a thin white jacket, with her hair, all 
 but two tresses, drawn up into a silk-net, 
 with a few olive leaves twisted a little fan- 
 tastically on one side she was beautiful; 
 
 and if ever I felt the full force of an 
 honest heart- ache, it was the moment I 
 saw her 
 
 God help her ! poor damsel ! above 
 
 a hundred masses, said the postillion, have 
 been said in the several parish churches and 
 
 convents around, for her, but without 
 
 effect; we have still hopes, as she is sensi- 
 ble for short intervals, that the Virgin at 
 last will restore her to herself; but her 
 parents, who know her best, are hopeless 
 upon that score, and think her senses are 
 lost for ever. 
 
 As the postillion spoke this, MARIA made 
 a cadence so melancholy, so tender and 
 
 8TT
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 querulous, that I sprung out of the chaise 
 to help her, and found myself sitting be- 
 twixt her and her goat before I relapsed 
 from my enthusiasm. 
 
 MARIA look'd wistfully for some time at 
 
 me, and then at her goat and then at 
 
 me and then at her goat again, and so 
 
 on, alternately 
 
 Well, Maria, said I softly What 
 
 resemblance do you find ? 
 
 I do entreat the candid reader to believe 
 me, that it was from the humblest convic- 
 tion of what a Beast man is, that I 
 
 asked the question; and that I would not 
 have let fallen an unseasonable pleasantry 
 in the venerable presence of Misery, to be 
 entitled to all the wit that ever Rabelais 
 
 scatter 'd and yet I own my heart smote 
 
 me, and that I so smarted at the very idea 
 of it, that I swore I would set up for Wis- 
 dom, and utter grave sentences the rest of 
 
 my days and never never attempt 
 
 again to commit mirth with man, woman, 
 or child, the longest day I had to live. 
 
 As for writing nonsense to them 1 
 
 believe, there was a reserve but that I 
 leave to the world. 
 
 278
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Adieu, Maria! adieu, poor hapless dam- 
 sel ! some time, but not now, I may 
 
 hear thy sorrows from thy own lips 
 
 but I was deceived; for that moment she 
 took her pipe and told me such a tale of 
 woe with it, that I rose up, and with 
 broken and irregular steps walk'd softly to 
 my chaise. 
 
 What an excellent inn at Moulins! 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 WHEN we have got to the end of this 
 chapter (but not before) we must all 
 turn back to the two blank chapters, 
 on the account of which my honour has lain 
 
 bleeding this half hour 1 stop it, by 
 
 pulling off one of my yellow slippers and 
 throwing it with all my violence to the 
 opposite side of my room, with a declara- 
 tion at the heel of it 
 
 That whatever resemblance it may 
 
 bear to half the chapters which are writ- 
 ten in the world, or for aught I know, 
 
 279
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 may be now writing in it that it was as 
 casual as the foam of Zeuxis his horse: 
 besides, I look upon a chapter which has, 
 only nothing in it, with respect; and con- 
 sidering what worse things there are in the 
 world That it is no way a proper sub- 
 ject for satire 
 
 Why then was it left so? And here 
 
 without staying for my reply, shall I be 
 called as many blockheads, numsculs, dod- 
 dypoles, dunderheads, ninnyhammers, goose- 
 caps, joltheads, nincompoops, and sh - - t-a- 
 
 beds and other unsavoury appellations, as 
 
 ever the cake-bakers of Lerne cast in the 
 
 teeth of King Garangantari 's shepherds 
 
 And I'll let them do it, as Bridget said, 
 as much as they please; for how was it 
 possible they should foresee the necessity I 
 was under of writing the 25th chapter of 
 my book, before the 18th, &c. ? 
 
 So I don't take it amiss All I 
 
 wish is, that it may be a lesson to the 
 world, "to let people tell their stories their 
 own way." 
 
 980
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 THE EIGHTEENTH CHAPTER. 
 
 AS Mrs Bridget opened the door before 
 the corporal had well given the rap, 
 the interval betwixt that and my 
 uncle Toby's introduction into the parlour, 
 was so short, that Mrs Wadman had but 
 just time to get from behind the curtain 
 lay a Bible upon the table, and ad- 
 vance a step or two towards the door to 
 receive him. 
 
 My uncle Toby saluted Mrs Wadman, 
 after the manner in which women were 
 saluted by men in the year of our Lord 
 God one thousand seven hundred and thir- 
 teen then facing about, he march'd up 
 
 abreast with her to the sopha, and in three 
 
 plain words though not before he was 
 
 sat down nor after he was sat down 
 
 but as he was sitting down, told 
 
 her, "lie was in love" so that my uncle 
 
 Toby strained himself more in the declara- 
 tion than he needed. 
 
 Mrs Wadman naturally looked down, 
 
 281
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 upon a slit she had been darning up in 
 her apron, in expectation every moment, 
 that my uncle Toby would go on; but 
 having no talents for amplification, and 
 Love moreover of all others being a sub- 
 ject of which he was the least a master 
 
 When he had told Mrs Wadman once that 
 he loved her, he let it alone, and left the 
 matter to work after its own way. 
 
 My father was always in raptures with 
 this system of my uncle Toby's, as he 
 falsely called it, and would often say, that 
 could his brother Toby to his process have 
 
 added but a pipe of tobacco he had 
 
 wherewithal to have found his way, if there 
 was faith in a Spanish proverb, towards the 
 hearts of half the women upon the globe. 
 
 My uncle Toby never understood what 
 my father meant; nor will I presume to 
 extract more from it, than a condemnation 
 of an error which the bulk of the world 
 
 lie under but the French, every one of 
 
 'em to a man, who believe in it, almost as 
 much as the REAL PRESENCE, "That talking 
 of love, is making it. 1 ' 
 
 1 would as soon set about making 
 
 a black-pudding by the same receipt. 
 
 282
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Let us go on: Mrs Wadman sat in ex- 
 pectation my uncle Toby would do so, to 
 almost the first pulsation of that minute, 
 wherein silence on one side or the other, 
 generally becomes indecent: so edging her- 
 self a little more towards him, and raising 
 up her eyes, sub-blushing, as she did it - 
 she took up the gauntlet - or the discourse 
 (if you like it better) and communed with 
 my uncle Toby, thus. 
 
 The cares and disquietudes of the mar- 
 riage state, quoth Mrs Wadman, are very 
 great. I suppose so said my uncle Toby: 
 and therefore when a person, continued Mrs 
 Wadman, is so much at his ease as you 
 are so happy, captain Shandy, in yourself, 
 your friends and your amusements I won- 
 der, what reasons can incline you to the 
 
 - They are written, quoth my uncle 
 Toby, in the Common-Prayer Book. 
 
 Thus far my uncle Toby went on warily, 
 and kept within his depth, leaving Mrs 
 Wadman to sail upon the gulph as she 
 pleased. 
 
 - As for children said Mrs Wadman 
 though a principal end perhaps of the insti- 
 
 283
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 tution, and the natural wish, I suppose, of 
 every parent yet do not we all find, they 
 are certain sorrows, and very uncertain com- 
 forts? and what is there, dear sir, to pay 
 one for the heart-achs what compensation 
 for the many tender and disquieting appre- 
 hensions of a suffering and defenceless mother 
 who brings them into life? I declare, said 
 my uncle Toby, smit with pity, I know of 
 none; unless it be the pleasure which it has 
 
 pleased God 
 
 A fiddlestick! quoth she. 
 
 CHAPTER THE NINETEENTH. 
 
 NOW there are such an infinitude of 
 notes, tunes, cants, chants, airs, looks, 
 and accents with which the word fid- 
 dlestick may be pronounced in all such causes 
 as this, every one of 'em impressing a sense 
 and meaning as different from the other, as 
 dirt from cleanliness That Casuists (for it is 
 an affair of conscience on that score) reckon 
 
 284
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 up no less than fourteen thousand in which 
 you may do either right or wrong. 
 
 Mrs Wadman hit upon the fiddlestick, 
 which summoned up all my uncle Toby's 
 modest blood into his cheeks so feeling 
 within himself that he had somehow or 
 other got beyond his depth, he stopt short; 
 and without entering further either into the 
 pains or pleasures of matrimony, he laid his 
 hand upon his heart, and made an offer to 
 take them as they were, and share them 
 along with her. 
 
 When my uncle Toby had said this, he 
 did not care to say it again; so casting his 
 eye upon the Bible which Mrs Wadman 
 had laid upon the table, he took it up; 
 and popping, dear soul ! upon a passage in 
 it, of all others the most interesting to 
 him which was the siege of Jericho he 
 set himself to read it over leaving his 
 proposal of marriage, as he had done his 
 declaration of love, to work with her after 
 its own way. Now it wrought neither as 
 an astringent or a loosener; nor like opium, 
 or bark, or mercury, or buckthorn, or any 
 one drug which nature had bestowed upon 
 the world in short, it work'd not at all in 
 
 285
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 her; and the cause of that was, that there 
 
 was something working there before 
 
 Babbler that I am ! I have anticipated 
 what it was a dozen times; but there is 
 fire still in the subject aliens, 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 IT is natural for a perfect stranger who 
 is going from London to Edinburgh, to 
 enquire before he sets out, how many 
 miles to York; which is about the half way 
 
 nor does any body wonder, if he goes 
 
 on and asks about the corporation, &c. - - 
 
 It was just as natural for Mrs Wadman, 
 whose first husband was all his time afflicted 
 with a Sciatica, to wish to know how far 
 from the hip to the groin; and how far she 
 was likely to suffer more or less in her feel- 
 ings, in the one case than in the other. 
 
 She had accordingly read Drake's anato- 
 my from one end to the other. She had 
 peeped into Wharton upon the brain, and 
 
 286
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 borrowed * Graaf upon the bones and 
 muscles; but could make nothing of it. 
 
 She had reason 'd likewise from her own 
 
 powers laid down theorems drawn 
 
 consequences, and come to no conclusion. 
 
 To clear up all, she had twice asked 
 Doctor Slop, "if poor captain Shandy was 
 ever likely to recover of his wound ?" 
 
 He is recovered, Doctor Slop would 
 
 say- 
 
 What! quite? 
 Quite : madam- 
 
 But what do you mean by a recovery? 
 Mrs Wadman would say. 
 
 Doctor Slop was the worst man alive at 
 definitions; and so Mrs Wadman could get 
 no knowledge: in short, there was no way 
 to extract it, but from my uncle Toby 
 himself. 
 
 There is an accent of humanity in an en- 
 quiry of this kind which lulls SUSPICION to 
 rest and I am half persuaded the ser- 
 pent got pretty near it, in his discourse 
 with Eve; for the propensity in the sex to 
 be deceived could not be so great, that she 
 
 *This must be a mistake in Mr Shandy; for Graaf wrote 
 upon the pancreatick juice, and the parts of generation. 
 
 287
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 should have boldness to hold chat with the 
 
 devil, without it But there is an accent 
 
 of humanity how shall I describe it? 
 
 'tis an accent which covers the part with 
 a garment, and gives the enquirer a right 
 to be as particular with it, as your body- 
 surgeon. 
 
 " Was it without remission? 
 
 " Was it more tolerable in bed? 
 
 " Could he lie on both sides alike 
 
 with it? 
 
 " Was he able to mount a horse? 
 
 " Was motion bad for it?" et coster -a, 
 were so tenderly spoke to, and so directed 
 towards my uncle Toby's heart, that every 
 item of them sunk ten times deeper into it 
 
 than the evils themselves but when Mrs 
 
 Wadman went round about by Namur to 
 get at my uncle Toby's groin; and engaged 
 him to attack the point of the advanced 
 counterscarp, and pele mele with the Dutch 
 to take the counterguard of St Roch sword 
 in hand and then with tender notes play- 
 ing upon his ear, led him all bleeding by 
 the hand out of the trench, wiping her eye, 
 
 as he was carried to his tent Heaven! 
 
 Earth! Sea! all was lifted up the springs 
 
 M
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 of nature rose above their levels an angel 
 of mercy sat besides him on the sopha his 
 heart glow'd with fire and had he been 
 worth a thousand, he had lost every heart 
 of them to Mrs Wadman. 
 
 And whereabouts, dear Sir, quoth Mrs 
 Wadman, a little categorically, did you re- 
 ceive this sad blow? In asking this ques- 
 tion, Mrs Wadman gave a slight glance to- 
 wards the waistband of my uncle Toby's red 
 plush breeches, expecting naturally, as the 
 shortest reply to it, that my uncle Toby 
 
 would lay his forefinger upon the place 
 
 It fell out otherwise for my uncle Toby 
 
 having got his wound before the gate of 
 St Nicolas, in one of the traverses of the 
 trench, opposite to the salient angle of the 
 demibastion of St Rock; he could at any 
 time stick a pin upon the identical spot of 
 ground where he was standing when the 
 stone struck him: this struck instantly upon 
 
 my uncle Tobtfs sensorium and with it, 
 
 struck his large map of the town and cita- 
 del of Namur and its environs, which he 
 had purchased and pasted down upon a 
 board, by the corporal's aid, during his long 
 illness it had lain with other military 
 
 289
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 lumber in the garret ever since, and accord- 
 ingly the corporal was detached into the 
 garret to fetch it. 
 
 My uncle Toby measured off thirty toises, 
 with Mrs Wadmari's scissars, from the re- 
 turning angle before the gate of St Nicolas; 
 and with such a virgin modesty laid her 
 finger upon the place, that the goddess of 
 Decency, if then in being if not, 'twas her 
 shade, shook her head, and with a finger 
 wavering across her eyes forbid her to 
 explain the mistake. 
 
 Unhappy Mrs Wadman! 
 
 For nothing can make this chapter 
 
 go off with spirit but an apostrophe to 
 
 thee but my heart tells me, that in 
 
 such a crisis an apostrophe is but an insult 
 in disguise, and ere I would offer one to a 
 woman in distress let the chapter go to 
 the devil; provided any damn'd critic in 
 keeping will be but at the trouble to take 
 it with him. 
 
 290
 
 M 
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 Y uncle Toby's Map is carried down 
 into the kitchen. 
 
 A 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 ND here is the Maes and this 
 is the Sambre; said the corporal, 
 pointing with his right hand ex- 
 tended a little towards the map and his 
 
 left upon Mrs Bridget's shoulder but 
 
 not the shoulder next him and this, said 
 he, is the town of Namur and this the 
 citadel and there lay the French and here 
 
 lay his honour and myself and in this 
 
 cursed trench, Mrs Bridget, quoth the cor- 
 poral, taking her by the hand, did he re- 
 ceive the wound which crush 'd him so 
 
 miserably here In pronouncing which, 
 
 he slightly press'd the back of her hand 
 
 291
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 towards the part he felt for and let it 
 
 fall. 
 
 We thought, Mr Trim, it had been more 
 in the middle said Mrs Bridget 
 
 That would have undone us for ever 
 said the corporal. 
 
 And left my poor mistress undone 
 
 too, said Bridget. 
 
 The corporal made no reply to the re- 
 partee, but by giving Mrs Bridget a kiss. 
 
 Come come said Bridget holding the 
 palm of her left hand parallel to the plane 
 of the horizon, and sliding the fingers of 
 the other over it, in a way which could 
 not have been done, had there been the 
 
 least wart or protuberance 'Tis every 
 
 syllable of it false, cried the corporal, be- 
 fore she had half finished the sentence 
 
 I know it to be fact, said Bridget, 
 from credible witnesses. 
 
 Upon my honour, said the corporal, 
 
 laying his hand upon his heart, and blush- 
 ing, as he spoke, with honest resentment 
 'tis a story, Mrs Bridget, as false as hell 
 
 Not, said Bridget, interrupting him, 
 
 that either I or my mistress care a half- 
 penny about it, whether 'tis so or no 
 
 292
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 only that when one is married, one would 
 chuse to have such a thing by one at 
 
 least 
 
 It was somewhat unfortunate for Mrs 
 Bridget, that she had begun the attack 
 with her manual exercise; for the corpo- 
 ral instantly ****** 
 
 Jfc=Mt^fe stfc :& ---- ^(- .u. 
 
 TT-Tr-A'"R'TV'*re'Tr^p^ 
 
 ********* 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 IT was like the momentary contest in the 
 moist eye -lids of an April morning, 
 " Whether Bridget should laugh or 
 cry." 
 
 She snatched up a rolling-pin 'twas 
 
 ten to one, she had laugh' d 
 
 She laid it down she cried; and had 
 
 one single tear of 'em but tasted of bit- 
 terness, full sorrowful would the corporal's 
 heart have been that he had used the argu- 
 ment; but the corporal understood the sex, 
 a quart major to a terce at least, better than 
 
 293
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 my uncle Toby, and accordingly he assailed 
 Mrs Bridget after this manner. 
 
 I know, Mrs Bridget, said the corporal, 
 giving her a most respectful kiss, that thou 
 art good and modest by nature, and art 
 withal so generous a girl in thyself, that, 
 if I know thee rightly, thou would 'st not 
 wound an insect, much less the honour of 
 so gallant and worthy a soul as my mas- 
 ter, wast thou sure to be made a countess 
 of but thou hast been set on, and de- 
 luded, dear Bridget, as is often a woman's 
 case, "to please others more than them- 
 selves " 
 
 Bridget's eyes poured down at the sensa- 
 tions the corporal excited. 
 
 Tell me tell me then, my dear 
 
 Bridget, continued the corporal, taking hold 
 of her hand, which hung down dead by her 
 
 side, and giving a second kiss whose 
 
 suspicion has misled thee? 
 
 Bridget sobb'd a sob or two then 
 
 open'd her eyes the corporal wiped 'em 
 
 with the bottom of her apron she then 
 
 open'd her heart and told him all. 
 
 294
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 MY uncle Toby and the corporal had 
 gone on separately with their opera- 
 tions the greatest part of the cam- 
 paign, and as effectually cut off from all 
 communication of what either the one or 
 the other had been doing, as if they had 
 been separated from each other by the 
 Maes or the Sambre. 
 
 My uncle Toby, on his side, had pre- 
 sented himself every afternoon in his red 
 and silver, and blue and gold alternately, 
 and sustained an infinity of attacks in them, 
 without knowing them to be attacks and 
 
 so had nothing to communicate 
 
 The corporal, on his side, in taking 
 Bridget, by it had gain'd considerable ad- 
 vantages and consequently had much to 
 
 communicate but what were the advan- 
 tages as well as what was the manner 
 
 by which he had seiz'd them, required so 
 nice an historian, that the corporal durst 
 not venture upon it; and as sensible as he 
 
 295
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 was of glory, would rather have been con- 
 tented to have gone bareheaded and with- 
 out laurels for ever, than torture his mas- 
 ter's modesty for a single moment 
 
 Best of honest and gallant servants! 
 
 But I have apostrophiz'd thee, Trim! 
 
 once before and could I apotheosize thee 
 
 also (that is to say) with good company 
 
 I would do it without ceremony in the very 
 next page. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 NOW my uncle Toby had one evening 
 laid down his pipe upon the table, 
 and was counting over to himself 
 upon his finger ends (beginning at his 
 thumb) all Mrs Wadmari's perfections one 
 by one; and happening two or three times 
 together, either by omitting some, or count- 
 ing others twice over, to puzzle himself 
 sadly before he could get beyond his mid- 
 dle finger Prithee, Trim! said he, taking 
 
 up his pipe again, bring me a pen and 
 
 ink: Trim brought paper also. 
 
 296
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Take a full sheet Trim! said my uncle 
 
 Toby, making a sign with his pipe at the 
 same time to take a chair and sit down 
 close by him at the table. The corporal 
 
 obeyed placed the paper directly before 
 
 him took a pen, and dipp'd it in the 
 
 ink. 
 
 She has a thousand virtues, Trim! said 
 my uncle Toby 
 
 Am I to set them down, an' please your 
 honour? quoth the corporal. 
 
 But they must be taken in their 
 
 ranks, replied my uncle Toby; for of them 
 all, Trim, that which wins me most, and 
 which is a security for all the rest, is the 
 compassionate turn and singular humanity 
 of her character I protest, added my uncle 
 Toby, looking up, as he protested it, towards 
 
 the top of the ceiling That was I her 
 
 brother, Trim, a thousand fold, she could 
 not make more constant or more tender 
 
 enquiries after my sufferings though now 
 
 no more. 
 
 The corporal made no reply to my uncle 
 Toby's protestation, but by a short cough 
 he dipp'd the pen a second time into the 
 inkhorn; and my uncle Toby, pointing with 
 
 297
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the end of his pipe as close to the top of 
 the sheet at the left hand corner of it, as 
 
 he could get it the corporal wrote down 
 
 the word 
 HUMANITY thus. 
 
 Prithee, corporal, said my uncle Toby* as 
 
 soon as Trim had done it how often 
 
 does Mrs Bridget enquire after the wound 
 on the cap of thy knee, which thou re- 
 ceived'st at the battle of Landen ? 
 
 She never, an' please your honour, en 
 quires after it at all. 
 
 That, corporal, said my uncle Toby, with 
 all the triumph the goodness of his nature 
 
 would permit That shews the difference 
 
 in the character of the mistress and maid 
 
 had the fortune of war allotted the 
 
 same mischance to me, Mrs Wadman would 
 have enquired into every circumstance re- 
 lating to it a hundred times She would 
 
 have enquired, an' please your honour, ten 
 times as often about your honour's groin 
 The pain, Trim, is equally excruciat- 
 ing, and Compassion has as much to do 
 
 with the one as the other 
 
 God bless your honour ! cried the 
 
 corporal what has a woman's compassion
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 to do with a wound upon the cap of a 
 man's knee? had your honour's been shot 
 into ten thousand splinters at the affair of 
 Landen, Mrs Wadman would have troubled 
 her head as little about it as Bridget; be- 
 cause, added the corporal, lowering his voice, 
 and speaking very distinctly, as he assigned 
 his reason 
 
 "The knee is such a distance from the 
 main body whereas the groin, your hon- 
 our knows, is upon the very curtain of the 
 place." 
 
 My uncle Toby gave a long whistle 
 
 but in a note which could scarce be heard 
 across the table. 
 
 The corporal had advanced too far to re- 
 tire in three words he told the rest 
 
 My uncle Toby laid down his pipe as 
 gently upon the fender, as if it had been 
 spun from the unravellings of a spider's 
 web 
 
 Let us go to my brother Shandy's, 
 
 said he. 
 
 999
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 will be just time, whilst my 
 A uncle Toby and Trim are walking to 
 my father's, to inform you that Mrs 
 Wadman had, some moons before this, made 
 a confident of my mother; and that Mrs 
 Bridget, who had the burden of her own, 
 as well as her mistress's secret to carry, 
 had got happily delivered of both to Susan- 
 nah behind the garden-wall. 
 
 As for my mother, she saw nothing at 
 all in it, to make the least bustle about - 
 but Susannah was sufficient by herself for all 
 the ends and purposes you could possibly 
 have, in exporting a family secret; for she 
 instantly imparted it by signs to Jonathan 
 - and Jonathan by tokens to the cook as 
 she was basting a loin of mutton; the cook 
 sold it with some kitchen-fat to the postil- 
 lion for a groat, who truck'd it with the 
 dairy maid for something of about the same 
 value - and though whisper 'd in the hay- 
 loft, FAME caught the notes with her brazen 
 
 300
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 trumpet, and sounded them upon the house- 
 top In a word, not an old woman in the 
 village or five miles round, who did not un- 
 derstand the difficulties of my uncle Toby's 
 siege, and what were the secret articles which 
 had delayed the surrender. 
 
 My father, whose way was to force every 
 event in nature into an hypothesis, by 
 which means never man crucified TRUTH at 
 
 the rate he did had but just heard of 
 
 the report as my uncle Toby set out; and 
 catching fire suddenly at the trespass done 
 his brother by it, was demonstrating to 
 Yonckf notwithstanding my mother was 
 
 sitting by not only, "That the devil 
 
 was in women, and that the whole of the 
 affair was lust ; ' ' but that every evil and 
 disorder in the world of what kind or na- 
 ture soever, from the first fall of Adam, 
 down to my uncle Toby's (inclusive), was 
 owing one way or other to the same un- 
 ruly appetite. 
 
 Yorick was just bringing my father's 
 hypothesis to some temper, when my uncle 
 Toby entering the room with marks of infi- 
 nite benevolence and forgiveness in his looks, 
 my father's eloquence rekindled against the 
 
 301
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 passion and as he was not very nice in 
 the choice of his words when he was wroth 
 
 as soon as my uncle Toby was seated 
 
 by the fire, and had filled his pipe, my 
 father broke out in this manner. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 provision should be made 
 A for continuing the race of so 
 great, so exalted and godlike a 
 Being as man I am far from denying 
 but philosophy speaks freely of every thing; 
 and therefore I still think and do maintain 
 it to be a pity, that it should be done by 
 means of a passion which bends down the 
 faculties, and turns all the wisdom, con- 
 templations, and operations of the soul 
 backwards - a passion, my dear, continued 
 my father, addressing himself to my mother, 
 which couples and equals wise men with 
 fools, and makes us come out of our cav- 
 erns and hiding-places more like satyrs and 
 four-footed beasts than men. 
 
 309
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 I know it will be said, continued my 
 father (availing himself of the Prolepsis) 
 
 that in itself, and simply taken like 
 
 hunger, or thirst, or sleep 'tis an affair 
 
 neither good or bad or shameful or other- 
 wise. Why then did the delicacy of 
 
 Diogenes and Plato so recalcitrate against 
 it? and wherefore, when we go about to 
 make and plant a man, do we put out the 
 candle? and for what reason is it, that all 
 the parts thereof the congredients the 
 preparations the instruments, and whatever 
 serves thereto, are so held as to be con- 
 veyed to a cleanly mind by no language, 
 translation, or periphrasis whatever? 
 
 The act of killing and destroying a 
 
 man, continued my father, raising his voice 
 and turning to my uncle Toby you see, 
 is glorious and the weapons by which we 
 
 do it are honourable We march with 
 
 them upon our shoulders We strut with 
 
 them by our sides We gild them 
 
 We carve them We in-lay them We 
 
 enrich them Nay, if it be but a scoun- 
 drel cannon, we cast an ornament upon the 
 breach of it. 
 
 My uncle Toby laid down his pipe to 
 
 303
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 intercede for a better epithet and Yorick 
 
 was rising up to batter the whole hypothe- 
 sis to pieces 
 
 When Obadiah broke into the middle 
 of the room with a complaint, which cried 
 out for an immediate hearing. 
 
 The case was this: 
 
 My father, whether by ancient custom of 
 the manor, or as impropriator of the great 
 tythes, was obliged to keep a Bull for the 
 service of the Parish, and Obadiah had led 
 his cow upon a pop-visit to him one day or 
 
 other the preceding summer 1 say, one 
 
 day or other because as chance would have 
 it, it was the day on which he was married 
 
 to my father's house-maid so one was 
 
 a reckoning to the other. Therefore, when 
 Obadiah' 's wife was brought to bed Oba- 
 diah thanked God 
 
 Now, said Obadiah, I shall have a 
 
 calf: so Obadiah went daily to visit his 
 cow. 
 
 She'll calve on Monday on Tuesday on 
 Wednesday at the farthest 
 
 The cow did not calve no she'll not 
 
 calve till next week the cow put it off 
 
 terribly till at the end of the sixth week 
 
 304
 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY 
 
 Obadiah' s suspicions (like a good man's) fell 
 upon the Bull. 
 
 Now the parish being very large, my 
 father's Bull, to speak the truth of him, 
 was no way equal to the department; he 
 had, however, got himself, somehow or 
 other, thrust into employment and as he 
 went through the business with a grave 
 face, my father had a high opinion of him. 
 
 Most of the townsmen, an' please 
 
 your worship, quoth Obadiah, believe that 
 'tis all the Bull's fault- 
 
 But may not a cow be barren? re- 
 plied my father, turning to Doctor Slop. 
 
 It never happens: said Dr Slop, but the 
 man's wife may have come before her time 
 
 naturally enough Prithee has the child 
 
 hair upon his head ? added Dr Slop 
 
 It is as hairy as I am; said Obadiah. 
 
 Obadiah had not been shaved for three 
 
 weeks Wheu --u u cried 
 
 my father; beginning the sentence with an 
 
 exclamatory whistle and so, brother 
 
 Toby, this poor Bull of mine, who is as 
 good a Bull as ever p ss'd, and might 
 have done for Europa herself in purer 
 times had he but two legs less, might 
 
 305
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 have been driven into Doctors Commons 
 
 and lost his character which to a Town 
 
 Bull, brother Toby, is the very same thing 
 as his life 
 
 L d ! said my mother, what is all this 
 story about? 
 
 A COCK and a BULL, said Yorick And 
 
 one of the best of its kind, I ever heard. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 306

 
 : ,^