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THE
FRIBBLERIAD.
F<zmina> Vir> Neutrum.
Pul. in Hermoph,
ill
LONDON:
Printed for J. Coote, at the King's- Arms, in Patcr-Noiler-Row.
MDCCLXL
[ Price One Shilling. ]
4925 6
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ADVERTISEMENT.
£ ) E it known unto you, gentle or ungentle reader,
JLJ that the author of the following poem is a vo-
lunteer in the ferviee, or rather a poetical knight
errant, who, according to the oath taken at the late
inftallation, is exhorted and admonijhed (by Apollo to
be fure) to ufe his /word in defence of all equity a?id
jujlice to the utmofl of his power. His brother £{uixote>
of immortal memory, try'd his prowels upon Sheep
and Windmills -r- Our champion does very near the
fame ; and calls forth to the field an unhiorwn knight,
who has the formidable X, Y, Z, in his train. — And
that he may not be thought to engage with too great
odds, on his fide, he oppofes to them his own three
trufly fquires\ A, B, C, who are refolved to ftand by
A 2 him
271753
[ iv ]
him, ami fight all the weapons through, from Epia
Poetry to Epigram, as long as there is a letter left;
{landing in the Englijh alphabet — and now, Mr #
Churchill may know, that there is
— A Quixote of the age will" dare,
To wage a war with dirt, and fight with air.
When the aforefaid unknown knight mall pkafe to ap-
pear with his beaver up> he may expect that our ad-
venturer will fhew his face too* — In the mean time,
we will divert him in our turn with a little hu/h-Rght^
ing, which he has been endeavouring to entertain the
town with, for more than a twelvemonth pafL
It is therefore proper to inform thee, reader, for as
yet perhaps thou haft not heard of it, that there is a
certain weekly paper, called the Craftfman ftill exifb-
ing, if it may be call'd exiftenee to crawl about from
week to week, and be kept alive by thofe laft refources
of hungry ingenuity, falfehood and defamation. In
this faid paper a certain gentleman who fubferibes himfelf
X, Y, Z,
[ v. J
X, Y, Z, a volunteer too in the fervice, has thrown
about his dirt in a moft extraordinary manner, and
has attacked our ftage heroj with, unwearied malevo-
lence both in his public and private character ; but
indeed his rancour being too much for his wit, he has
let his heart indulge itfelf at the expence of his head,
and has moft imprudently made aflertions in the bit-
ternefs of his fpirit, which can be contradicted by
ev'ry attender upon the theatre. — It would be endlefs
and out of place here to point out his want of tafte,
and even common truth* in his account of the man-
ner of Mr. Garrkk\ fpeaking and acting in his vari-
ous characters ;.. of his moft ungentlemanlike, as well
as unjuft abufe of his perfon* voice,, age, &c, 8cc, &c ;
for there is no kind of meannefs, as Mo?itaigne well
obferves, that a true malignant fpirit will not defcend
to. — To give one inftance among a thoufand of his
upright intentions — This worthy gentleman, Mr.
X, Y, Z, not content with expofing his impotent
malice weekly to the publick, was at the pains and
expence to collect his papers into one volume, and
ev'n fend 'em to fbme of Mr. Garrick's Friends, leaft
the
the obfcurity and difreputation of the paper, in which
they firft made their appearance, fhould have kept his
malice totally a fecret — The Reviewers gave their
fentiments of this curious collection, in the following
manner —
" Thefe are the overflowings of fpleen, ignorance,
conceit, and difappointment." Crit. Rev, Jan. 1761.
" The defign of publifhing thefe importa?rt pieces
of criticifm, is, to prevent the fad misfortune of their
linking into oblivion with a laft year's news-paper.
If we believe the author, all the praifes that have
hitherto been given to Mr. Garrick> as an aclor, are
fo entirely without foundation, that " he never did,
" nor never could, fpeak ten fucceflive lines of
" Shakefpear with grammatical propriety." This is
an affertion fo contrary to the opinion of many better'
critics than this author fhews himfelf to he, and in
reality fo oppofite to truth, that it is alone fufficient
to invalidate all his reafonings upon the fubjecV'
Monthly Rev. Dec. 1760.
It
It would take up too much time at prefent to
exhibit our hero X, Y, Z, in all his proper colours,
we fhall leave that talk to a much abler hand, who
will very foon more fully detect and expofe him and
his defigns. — But to return to our poem —
It may properly be called an Iliad in a nutjhell \
For though it does not coniift of many more than 400
lines, it contains all the effential epic properties, —
the plan, fentiments, character, didtion, moral, metre,
and even the heroes themfelves, all in miniature. —
The following epigram printed in the Ledger, was
the corner-ftone of the whole, and furnifhed us with
ideas of the redoubted Fizgigs the Achilles of the
Fribbleriad —
To X, Y, Z.
Indeed moid feverely poor Garrici you handle,
' Not bigots damn more with their bell, book and candle ;
Tho 1
[ viii ]
Tho' you with the town about him difagree,
He joins with the town in their judgment of thee :
So dainty, fo dev'lifh, is all that you fcribble,
Not a foul but can fee 'tis the fpite of a Fribble \
And all will expecl you, when forth you mall come,
With a round fmirking face ', and &jut with your bum.
If X, Y, Z, is really fuch a thing, as here reprefent-
ed, he is moft welcome to the honour we have done
him ; if he is not^ he may thank his own malignant dif-
pofition, that made it natural to fuppofe, that fuch
poor fpite could proceed from no one, who was not
in his perfon, manners, mind and heart an arrant
Fribble,
THE
]
_
1 1 ■
THE
FRIBBLERIAD.
WHO is this Scribbler, X, Y, Z ?
Who ftill writes on, tho' little read ?
Whofe falfhood, malice, envy, Ipite,
So often grin, yet feldom bite ?
Say, Garrick, does he write for bread,
This friend of yours, this X, Y, Z ?
For pleafure fure, not bread — 'twere vain
To write for that he ne'er could gain :
No calls of nature to excufe him,
He deals in rancour to amufe him ;
B A
[ * ]
A Man it feems — 'tis hard to fay —
A Woman then ? — a moment pray —
Unknown as yet by fex or feature,
Suppofe we try to guefs the creature \.
Whether a wit, or a pretender ?
Of mafculine ox female gender?
Some things it does may pafs for either,
And fome it does belong to neither :
It is fo fibbing, flandering, fpiteful,
In phrafe fo dainty, fo delightful ;
So fond of all it reads and writes,
So waggifh when the maggot bites :
Such fpleen, fuch wickednefs, and whim,
7/ muft be Woman, and a Brim.
But then the learning and the Latin !
The ends of Horace come fo pat in,
And wanting wit, it makes fuch fhift,
To fill up gaps with Pope, and Swift,
As cunning houfewives bait their traps,
And take their game with bits and fcraps ;
For
t 3 ]
For playhoufe critics, keen as mice,
Are ever greedy, never nice ;
And rank abufe, like toafted cheefe,
Will catch as many as you pleafe.
In fhort 'tis eafily difcerning,
By here and there a patch of learning,
The creature ? s Male — fay all we can,
It muft be fomething like a man —
What, like a man, from day to fhrink,
And feek revenge with pen and ink?
On mifchief bent, his name conceal,
And like a toad in fecret ileal,
There fwell with venom inward pent
Till out he crawls to give it vent.
Hate join'd with Fear will fhun the light,
But Hate and Manhood fairly fight — . .
^Tis manhood's mark to face the foe,
And not in ambufh give the blow ;
The Savage thus, lefs man than beaft,
Upon his foe will fall and feaft,
From bum, or hole, his arrows fend,
To wound his prey, then tear and rend ;
B 2 For
[ 4 ]
For fear and hatred in conjunction,
Make wretches that feel no compunction.
:
With colours flying, beat of drum,
Unlike to this, fee Churchill 'come!
And now like Hercules he ftands,
Unmafk'd his face, but arm'd his hands \
Alike prepar'd to write or drub !
This holds a Pen> and that a Club t
A Club ! which nerves like his can wield,
And form'd, a wit, like his, to fhield.
Mine is the Rofciad, mine, he cries ;
Who fays 'tis not, I fay, he lies.
To falfhood and to fear a ftranger,
Not one fhall fhare my fame or danger ;
Let thofe who write with fear or friame,
Thofe Craft/men fcribblers hide their name!
My name is Churchill ! — Thus he fpoke, .
And thrice he wav'd his knotted oak :
That done, he paus'd — prepar'd the blow,
Impartial fyard ! for friend and foe.
if
C 5 ]
If fuch are manhood's feats and plan
Poor X, Y, Z, will prove no man.
Nor male ? nor female ? — then on oath
We fafely may pronounce it Both.
What ! of that wriggling, fribbling race,
The cnrfe of nature, and difgrace ?
That mixture bafe, which fiends fent forth
To taint and vilify all worth- —
Whofe rancour knows nor bounds, nor meafure,
Feels every paffion, taftes no pleafure >
The want of power, all peace deftroying,
For ever wifhingj ne'er enjoying —
So fmiling, fmirking, foft in feature,
You'd fwear it was the gentleft creature — .
But touch its pride, the Lady-fellow,
From fickly pale, turns deadly yellow —
Male, female, vanifh, — fiends appear —
And all is malice, rage and fear —
What in the heart breeds all this evil ?
Makes man on earth a very devil ?
Corrupts
[ 6 ]
Corrupts the mind, and tortures fenfe ?
Malignity with Impotence.
Say Goffip Mufe, who lov'fl: to prattle
And fill the town with tittle tattle —
To tell a fecret fuch a blifs is !
Say for what caufe thefe Mafter-Mifles
To Garrick fuch a hatred bore,
That long they wifh'd to pinch him fore ;
To bind the monfter hand and foot,
Like Gulliver in Lilliput,
With birchen twigs to flea his fkin,
And each to flick him with a pin ? —
Are things fo delicate, fo fell !
Can Cherubim be imps of hell ?
Tell us how fpite a Icheme begot,
Who laid the eggs, who hatch'd the plot ;
O fing in namby-pamby feet,
Like to the fubjecl, tripping neat ;
Snatch every grace that fancy reaches ;
Relate their paflions, plottings, fpeeches ;
You,
[ 7 J
You, when their Panfribblerium fat,
Saw 'em conven'd, and heard their chat :
Saw all their wriggling, fuming, fretting,
Their nodding, frifking, and curvetting ;
Each minute faw their rage grow flronger,
Till the dear things could hold no longer ;.
But out burft forth the dreadful vow,
To do a deed ! — but When? and How?
And Where? — O Mufe, thy lyre new firing,
The Howy the When r the Where to fing !
Say in what fign the fun had enter' d,
When thefe fweet fouls on plotting ventur'd —
'Twas when the balmy breath of May,
Makes tender lambkins lport and play ;
When tend'rer Fribbles walk, and dare
To gather nofegays in the air — «.
'Twas at that time of all the year
When flowers and butterflies appear,
When brooding warmth on nature lies,
And circulates the blood of flies, —
Then Fribbles were with Fribbles leaguing,
And met for plotting and intriguing. *
There
[ 8 ]
There is a place, upon a hill,
Where cits of pleafure take their fill,
Where hautboys fcream, and fiddles fqueak,
To fweat the ditto once a week ;
Where joy of late, unmix'd with noife,
Of romping girls, and drunken boys ,;
Where Decency^ fweet maid, appear'd,
And in her hand brought Johnny Beard \
'Twas Here — (for public rooms are free,)
They met to plot, and drink their tea-
Each on a fattin ftool wasfeated,
Which nicely quilted, curtain'd, pleated,
Did all their various fkill difplay :
Each work'd his own to grace the day —
Above the reft, and fet apart,
A Chair was plac'd ; where curious art
With lace and fringe to honour meant
Hint) they fhould chufe their Pre/ident.
No longer now the kettle fimmers,
The fmoke afcends, or cotton glimmers^
The
[ 9 ]
The tea was done, the cups revers'd ;
Lord Trip began — " May I be curs'd :
" May this right hand grow brown and fpeckled,
" This njfe be pimpled, face be freckled,
" May my fick monkey ne'er get up ;
" May my fweet Dido die in pup,
" Nay may I meet a worfe difafter,
cc My finger cut, and have no plaifter, —
" No cordial drops when dead with vapour,
" Be taken fhort and have no paper —
<c If I don't feel your wrongs and fhame,
<c With fuch a zeal for Fribble fame, —
<c So much my heart for vengeance thumps
<c You fee it raging thro' my jumps" —
Then opening wide his milk-white veft,
They faw it flutt'ring in it's neft.
Some felt his heart, and fome propofe
Their drops — his lordfhip to compofe — •
The perturbation all agree,
Was partly fidgets, partly tea.
While fome the drops, fome water get,
Sir Cock-a-doodle, Baronet,
C Arofe
[ .0 ]
Arofe — " Let not this accident
( The bufinefs of the day prevent !
6 That Lord's my friend, my near relation,
c But what's one lord to all our nation ?
4 Friendfhip to patriot eyes looks fmall,
{ And Cock-a-doodle feels for all.
' Shall one, tho' great, engrofs your care,
' While frill unhonour'd ftands that Chair ?
c Might I prefume to name a Creter^
1 Form'd for the place by art and nater \
c I would a dainty wit propofe
c To ferve our friends, deftroy our foes :
1 To fill the Chair fo nicely fit ,
* His pride and pafiion match his wit ;
c His wit has fo much power and might,
c It yields to nothing but his fpite —
1 For wit may have its ebbs and flows,
1 But malice no abatement knows."
Propofe ! they cry'd, we truft in you —
Name him, Sir Cock- a-doodle — do —
" Would you have one can joke and fcribble ?
" Whofe heart and very foul is Fribble —
" Would
[ " ]
" Would you have one can fmile, be civil,
" Yet all within a very devil —
" Lay pretty fchemes — like cobwebs fpin 'em,
" To catch your hated foe within 'em —
" Let him a thoufand times break thro' 'em
" Th' ingenious creter fhall renew 'em —
" If mifchief is your wifli and plan —
" Let * Fizgig, Fizgigj be the man!
" What fay you? — Brethren! — fhall it be ?
C{ Has he your voice?" — All cry'd — ouy^ ouy.
At which, one larger than the reft
With vifage fleek, and fwelling cheft,
With ftretch'd out fingers, and a thumb
Stuck to his hips, and jutting bum,
Rofe up ! — All knew his fmirking air, —
They clap'd, and cry'd — the chair, the chair !
He fmil'd — and to the honour'd feat,
Padled away with mincing feet :
So have I feen on dove houfe top
With cock'd up tail, and fwelling crop,
C 2 A
* Some fay Fitzgig — The Reader may take his Choice.
[ 12 ]
A pouting pigeon wadling run,
Shuffling, wriggling, noddling on.
Some minutes pafs'd in forms and greetings
Phil. Whiffle op'd the caufe of meeting. —
" In forty-eight — I well remember —
" Twelve years or more — the month November —
cc May we no more fuch mifery know !
<c Since Garrick made our sex a mew;
" And gave us up to fuch rude laughter,
u That few, 'twas laid, could hold their water :
" For He, that play'r, fo mock'd our motions,
" Our drefs, amufements, fancies, notions,
cc So lifp'd our words and minc'd our fteps,
u He made us pafs for demi-reps,
" Tho' wifely then we laugh'd it off,
u We'll now return his wicked feoff*
" Genteel revenge is ever flow,
" The dear Italians poylbn fo. —
" But how attack him? far, or near?
" In front, my friends, or in the rear?"
All
[ 13 }
All ftarted up at once to ipeak,
As if they felt fome fudden tweak :
'Twas quick refentment caus'd the fmart,
And pierc'd them in the tendereft part.
For thefe dear fouls are like a fpinnet,
Which has both fliarp and fweet within it :
Prefs but the keys, up ftart the quills;
And thus perk'd up thefe Jack-my-Gills.
Each touching, brufhing as they rofe,
Together ruftled all their cloaths.
Thus, when, all hufh'd, at Handel\ air,
Sit, book in hand, the Britifli fair,
A fudden whiz the ear receives,
When ruffling, buftling, turn the leaves.
In all the dignity of form,
The Chairman rofe to hufh the ftorm \
To order call'd, and try'd to frown, —
As all got up, fo all fat down ; —
Sir Diddle then he thus addrefs'd, —
" 'Tis yours to fpeak, be mute the reft."
Wh
en
t *4 J
When thus the knight — <c Can I diffemble ?
" Conceal my rage, while thus I tremble ?
" O Fizgig! — 'tis that Gar rick's name,
" Now flops my voice and fhakes my frame —
<c His pangs would pleafe — his death — Oh lud!
" Blood, Mr. Fizgig, Blood, Blood, Blood T
The thought, too mighty for his mind,
O'ercame his pow'rs — He ftar'd — grew blind —
Cold fweat his faded cheek o'erfpread,
Like dew upon the lilly's head ;
He fqueak'd and figh'd — no more could fay,
But Blood, — Blooi — Bio — and dy'd away.
Thus when in war a hero fwoons,
With lofs of blood, or fear of wounds,
They bear him off — and thus they bore
Sir Diddle to the garden door ;
Where fat Lord Trip — Where flood for ufe,
Salts, Hartfhorn, Peppermint, and Eau de Luce. ■ \
A paufe enfu'd : — at length began
The valiant captain, Pattypan*
With
[ '5 ]
With kimbow'd arm, and toffing head,
He bridled up — " Wear I this red ?
" Shall Blood be nam'd and I be dumb?
" For that, and that alone, I come.
" Glory's my call, and Blood my trade ;
" And thus" — then forth he drew his blade —
At once the whole aflembly fhrieks,
At once the rofes quit their cheeks 5,
Each face o'ercaft with deadly white,.
Not paint itfelf could ftand the fright ;
The roof with Order ', Order rings,
And all cry out, — no naked things!
The captain fheath'd his wrath and pride,
And ftuck the bodkin by his fide.
More foft, more gentle than a lamb,
The reverend Mifter Marjoram
Arofe — but firft with finger's tip,
He pats the patch upon his lip ;
Then o'er it glides his healing tongue,
And thus he faid— or rather fung.
« Sure
C «6 3
" Sure 'tis the error of the moon!
" What, fight a mimic, a buffoon ?
" In France he has the church's curfe,
" And England's church is ten times worfe.
" Have you not read the holy writ,
" Juft publifh'd by a Reverend Wit ?
cc That every AEior is a thing,
cc A Merry Andrew, paper king,
" A puppet made of rags and wood,
" The loweft fon of earthy mere mud ;
" Mere public game, where'er you meet him,
" And coolers as they pleafe may treat him ?
" Slave, coxcomb, venal, and what not?
" Ten thoufand names that I've forgot —
cc Then rifque not thus a precious life,
" In fuch a low, unnat'rel ftrife,
" And fure, to ftab him would be crueL —
* c I vote for — arfnick in his gruel."
He faid and fmil'd — then funk with grace,
lick'd the patch'd lip, and wip'd his face.
A
t *7 I
A buz of rapture fill'd the room,
Like bees about a fhrub in bloom :
All whifper'd round — " Was it not fine ?'
" O very — Very — 'Twas divine!"
But foon as from the chair was feen.
A waving hand, and fpeaking mein r
A calm came on — The Chairman bow'd— •
And fmirking fpoke — " I'm pleas'd and proud
" To mix my fentiments with yours :.
" 'Tis prudence every point fecures.
w Two friends with rapture I have heard .;,
" One favours arfnick y one thzjword —
" In both there's danger. — but fucceeding,,
" Short pangs in poys'ning^ lefs in bleeding ; ,
« A fudden death's not worth a milling— «
" I'd have our foe nine' years a killing."
Then from his bofom forth he drew
A crow-quill pen- — -< c behold for you
" And your revenge, this inftrument !
u From hell it came, to me 'twas fent :
u - Within is poyfon, fword and all ;
c< It's point a. dagger, dipt in gall :
D " Keen
t 18 }
" Keen ling 'ring pangs the foe mall feel,
" While clouds the hand that ftabs conceal :
" With this, while living, I'll diflecl: him ;
" Create his errors, then detect 'em ;
" Swell tiny faults to mon'ftrous flze !
u Then point 'em out to purblind eyes,
" Which,' like Polonius, gaze in air
" For ouzels camel, whale, or bear,
" His very merit I'll pervert,
" And fwear the oar is fand and dirt—
" I know his quick and warm fenfations,
" And thence will work him more vexations -
" Attended with fome noify cit,
c< Of ftrong belief, but puny wit j
" I'll take my feat, be rude and loud,
" That each remark may reach the crowd ;
" At Lear we'll laugh, be hard as rocks,
" And fit at Scrub like barbers blocks:
" When all is ftill we'll roar like thunder ;
" When all applaufe— be miite, and wonder 1
" In this I boaft uncommon merit- —
" I like, have prais'd, his genius, jfpirit ;
" His
r *9 ]
c< His various powers, I own, divert me—
" 'Tis his fuccefs alone has hurt me —
" My patriot hand, like Brutus ftrikes,
" And ftabs and wounds where moft it likes :
<c He> as a Roman, gave the blow ;
" I, as a Fribble, flab your foe ;
" He mourn'd the deed, would not prevent it, -
" I'll do the deed — and then * lament it.*' —
At this all tongues their hearts obey,
A burft of rapture forc'd it's way, — •
Bravo ! — Braviffimo ! — Huzza !
All 'rofe at once — then hand in hand*
Each link'd to each, the heroes Hand— *
Like faries form a magic round, —
Then vow-— and tremble at the found -**
By all that's dear to human kind,
By every tye can Fribbles bind ;
They vow — that with their lateft breath.
They'll ftand by Fizgig-- -Life or death*
. * Some iASS. read repent it.
271752
The
:>
.
c 20 3
The kifs goes round the parting friends —
The chair is left — th' affembly ends.
Then each, his fpirit to recruit,
For bifcuits call, and candy'd fruit ;
And lip, his flutter'd nerves to heal,
Warm water, fack, and orange-peel —
Then made as warm, as warmth could make 'em
All to their feveral homes betake 'em-—
Save one, who, harrafs'd with the chair,
Remain' d at Hampjlead for the air —
Now, Garrick, for the future know
Where moft you have defervdz.- foe. — *
Can yoii their rage with juflice 'blame I
To you they owe their publick fhame. —
Tho' long they flept, they were not dead * y
Their malice wakes in X, Y y Z. —- - •
And now burfts forth their treasur'd gall, -
Through &#/,--- Cock Fribble of them all. /
FINIS.
r
4 929 q
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