A KLONDIKE DIAMOND 
 
 <A FARCE 
 IN ONE ACT 
 
 HERBERT C. NASH 
 
 STANFORD UNIVERSITY, CALIFORNIA 
 1901 
 
University of California Berkeley 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND 
 
 <A FARCE 
 IN ONE ACT 
 
 HERBERT C. NASH 
 
 STANFORD UNIVERSITY, CALIFORNIA 
 1901 
 
COPYRIGHT, 1901, BY 
 H. C. NASH 
 
 STANFORD 
 UNIVEHSITY PRESS 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND 
 
 performed at Stanford University, California, on the 
 13th of December, 1900 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 HAROLD HUNTER, a Successful Gold-seeker 
 PROFESSOR ELKINS, a Susceptible Scientist 
 BARON POLAKOFF, a Distinguished Foreigner 
 THE SHERIFF OF SHASTA COUNTY 
 EDITH WINTHROP, an Attractive Young Lady 
 Miss WESTLAKE, another Attractive Lady 
 IRENE, a Fisher Maiden 
 
 SCENE: The Parlor of the Pine Crag Hotel, Shasta Co. 
 California, 1899 
 
 Time in Performance, Fifty Minutes 
 
 364778 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 SCENE : Public parlor in the hotel at Pine Crag in Shasta 
 County, California. Doors to right, left, and at center, 
 the latter with portieres. 
 
 Enter HAROLD and EDITH. HAROLD in traveling 
 dress, carrying a satchel. 
 
 EDITH. Well, put down your bag, Harold, and tell 
 me what has brought you here so unexpectedly, {she 
 sit* down] 
 
 HAROLD, [walking up and down] Oh, Edith, you don't 
 know how glad I am to see you. Quite apart from my 
 loving you, I am delighted to be among friends again. 
 You have no idea of the fix I am in or of the dangers I 
 have run. 
 
 EDITH. Poor boy. I suppose your trip to the Klon- 
 dike was a failure. 
 
 HAROLD. On the contrary. I have returned with a 
 fortune. 
 
 EDITH. Then you have lost your precious health ? 
 
 HAROLD. Never better in my life. 
 
 EDITH. Some misfortune has happened to a member 
 of your family ? 
 
 HAROLD. No, all alive, kicking and nourishing. 
 
 EDITH, [rising dramatically] Then you have ceased 
 to love me ! 
 
 HAROLD. Never loved you as I do at this moment. 
 
 EDITH, {dramatically} Harold, torture me no longer ! 
 Tell me, tell me the worst. 
 
6 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 HAROLD, [after looking carefully around and search- 
 ing every corner of the room] I am a marked man ! 
 
 EDITH. Oh, horrors ! Did the Indians brand you ? 
 
 HAROLD. No, nonsense. I mean marked for death, 
 for execution. I am now a fugitive, flying from my en- 
 emies. [EDITH shrieks] You remember when I started 
 for the Klondike ? 
 
 EDITH. Oh, yes, just two years ago, less four days. 
 
 HAROLD. Well, I struck it rich from the first. My 
 luck was a proverb at Dawson, until finally I capped 
 the climax by discovering what do you suppose? 
 
 EDITH. Gold. 
 
 HAROLD. No, had lots of that already. Look here! 
 [looks all around again suspiciously, then cautiously 
 produces a large diamond from a box which he takes from 
 his valise, unwrapping diamond from a paper] What is 
 that? 
 
 EDITH. A piece of glass. 
 
 HAROLD. Glass? Thunder, no. A diamond, half as 
 large again as the Koh-i-noor, the most brilliant in the 
 world ! [carefully wraps up diamondin paper and puts 
 it back in box] 
 
 EDITH. Oh, Harold, I am so glad ! 
 
 HAROLD. Wait. Now "listen to my tale of woe." 
 Soon after I had discovered the diamond, business 
 obliged me to leave Dawson for Vladivostok, in Siberia 
 a long sea trip. At Vladivostok I had this box made 
 in order to carry the diamond safely. There a man, a 
 Russian, learned that I had the diamond. He followed 
 me about everywhere, he has followed me ever since, he 
 is still following me. 
 
 EDITH, [quietly] Well? 
 
 HAROLD, [excitedly] Well! You take this very calmly, 
 Edith. Why, my life is in danger. This man wants to 
 murder me for the diamond. 
 
 EDITH. What's the matter with the laws and the 
 police, are we in a civilized country or in the heart of 
 Africa? 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 7 
 
 HAROLD. This man followed me down from Vladivos- 
 tok on a fishing schooner. He dogged my steps in 
 Portland, took the same train south 
 
 EDITH. Where is he now? 
 
 HAROLD. I don't know. In the middle of the night 
 before last, at a small wayside station in Oregon, I got 
 off the train unnoticed, waited twenty-four hours in the 
 company of a track-walker, then took the next night's 
 train, rode as far as Sisson, and there got a horse and 
 buggy and came on here. Thus I eluded my pursuer. 
 
 EDITH. That's all right. Then you need not be ex- 
 cited any longer. [IRENE puts her head in at center door.] 
 
 IRENE, [in a mysterious voice] Want any fish, mister? 
 [HAROLD much excited, rushes to door and drags IRENE in. 
 IRENE is in fancy fishing dress; she carries a fishing-rod 
 and fish-basket] 
 
 HAROLD, [excited] Who are you? What do you 
 want here? Spying, eh? 
 
 IRENE, [shaking herself free] You let me alone, 
 mister. I ain't spyin' ; I'm sellin' fish, I am, to gents 
 what don't ketch any. 
 
 EDITH. Yes, she is all right. She is Irene, the fisher- 
 maiden. We all know her. She supplies trout to the 
 unsuccessful fishermen in this hotel. 
 
 HAROLD, [hiding box behind his back] Never mind. 
 I don't care who she is or what she sells. Why doesn't 
 she go away ? 
 
 IRENE. I ain't agoin' away. I'm a institootion here, 
 I am. The hotel proprietor pays me a salary for sellin' 
 fish to the boarders. It's a snap, it is. I gets money for 
 catchin' de fish and I gets money for sellin' de fish. 
 I'm gettin' rich, I am think I'll go to Frisco and buy 
 me a husband. 
 
 EDITH. Why don't you buy one here? 
 
 IRENE. Oh, them fellers what comes to a summer 
 hotel ain't no good. 
 
 HAROLD, [aside] She is in the pay of that Russian, 
 I'll swear she is. She is after the diamond. 
 
8 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 IRENE. Well, as you gent and lady don't want any 
 fish, I'll walk, [looks out at center door] Ah, here comes 
 a gent as looks as if fishin' was too hard work for him. 
 I'll wait for him, guess he'll buy some, (looking at pic- 
 tures on wall\ My, what pretty pictures, [puts down 
 fish-basket and goes around looking at pictures] 
 
 HAROLD, [looks out center door, then comes to front, 
 much excited] Mighty powers ! My Russian coming 
 this way, and I with the box in my hand. What on 
 earth shall I do with it? 
 
 EDITH. Don't keep it. Hide it. Quick, he's coming. 
 Here [takes up IRENE'S fish-basket], put it in here. He'll 
 never suspect that it is in a fish-basket. [HAROLD puts 
 box in basket. BARON POLAKOFF looks in. HAROLD 
 hurriedly lays down basket] 
 
 Enter BARON POLAKOFF, center door. 
 
 BARON, [bowing low to EDITH] Madam, I have the 
 honor. What a beautiful place is this so peaceful, 
 so bucolic, it is sylvan indeed ! [walks around room, 
 taking note of everything] 
 
 EDITH, [to BARON] Have you just arrived, sir? 
 
 BARON. A short time ago from the North. I have 
 important business here and I think I shall be suc- 
 cessful, [looks fixedly at HAROLD, who is much con- 
 fused] 
 
 IRENE, [turning suddenly, picking up fish-basket, and 
 offering it to BARON] Want any fish, mister? 
 
 BARON. Fish! ah, yes! The most innocent of living 
 creatures, and the most cruelly treated by man ! Why 
 is this ? Inscrutable ! 
 
 IRENE, [holding up basket] I'll sell the whole basket 
 just as it is. 
 
 HAROLD. Stop, I buy it. 
 
 BARON. Excuse me, sir. The basket was offered to 
 me. I take it. 
 
 IRENE. I to BARON] How much? 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 9 
 
 HAROLD. Five dollars. 
 
 BARON. Ten. 
 
 HAROLD, [excitedly] Twenty. 
 
 BARON. Fifty- 
 
 HAROLD. One hundred. 
 
 BARON. Five hundred. 
 
 EDITH, [to BARON] May I ask, sir, what motive you 
 have in bidding five hundred dollars for a few dozen fish ? 
 
 BARON. Madam, the same motive which causes that 
 gentleman over there to bid one hundred dollars. Baron 
 Polakoff does not like to be beaten. 
 
 EDITH. Not even by a woman ? 
 
 BARON. Ah, madam, that is not being beaten; that 
 is capitulating before an engagement. 
 
 EDITH. If I want the fish will you capitulate? 
 
 BARON, [bowing, his hand on his heart] Uncondition- 
 ally, with arms and baggage. The basket is yours. 
 [HAROLD makes motion to take basket] But not that 
 gentleman's, [pointing to HAROLD] 
 
 IRENE. Well, I'll go and give the fish to the hotel 
 cook. He'll put 'em on ice for ye. 
 
 [Exit 
 
 HAROLD, [rushing after her] Here, here, stop ! Don't 
 take that basket away 
 
 BARON, [to HAROLD, putting his hand on his shoulder] 
 And why not, my dear sir? The fish belong to this 
 young lady, and she wishes them fried for her dinner 
 rolled in flour, then fried in butter with a little chopped 
 parsley, maitre d' hotel sauce excellent! 
 
 EDITH. Yes, they are mine, and I'll go and see that 
 they are delivered to the proper person in the kitchen. 
 [aside to HAROLD] Don't let him suspect that you know 
 who he is. I'll get the box for you. 
 
 [Exit 
 
 BARON, [to HAROLD] Another excellent way of cook- 
 ing trout is to steep the fish in salt water, add a little 
 
10 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 lemon juice, then boil in fresh water, serve on a folded 
 napkin with hollandaise sauce on the side in a sauce- 
 boat, appetizing very. 
 
 Enter Miss WESTLAKE at right door. 
 
 HAROLD, [to BARON] Thank you, I'm not a cook. 
 [aside, alluding to Miss WESTLAKE] Now, who is this 
 mysterious lady? I don't like her looks. Well, I must 
 go after Edith to find out whether she's got the box. 
 
 [Exit' hurriedly 
 
 [Miss WESTLAKE is very fashionably dressed; she crosses 
 the stage, takes a seat and a book; for a moment she pretends 
 to read; the BARON hums a tune and looks at the pictures 
 on the walls] 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [suddenly] When did you arrive? 
 
 BARON. Half an hour ago, Miss Westlake. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. I suppose that this is our man? 
 
 BARON. It is. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Has he the box with him ? 
 
 BARON. He had it until five minutes ago. Then in 
 order to allay suspicion I had to let the young lady have it. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. What young lady ? 
 
 BARON. A charming young lady with fair hair and a 
 light blue dress. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Miss Edith Winthrop. Does she 
 suspect anything? 
 
 BARON. Probably. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. You have never lost sight of that 
 man from the time you left Portland ? 
 
 BARON. Until the night before last, no. Then he 
 managed to leave the train without my knowledge, but 
 I discovered the fact within half an hour, so I got off the 
 train at the next station, found him easily, and have 
 kept him in sight ever since. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Good. Now go and take a walk in 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 11 
 
 the woods, and remember you and I are mere hotel 
 acquaintances. We never met until we came here. 
 
 BARON. Exactly but why a walk ? 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Because I wish it. 
 
 BARON. Inscrutable ! [Exit left door 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [alone] My reputation is at stake. 
 If I fail in this enterprise my connection with the Third 
 Section of the Russian Police ends forever. Obtain 
 possession of the contents of that box, I must and shall. 
 I have not been boarding at this hotel for three weeks 
 for nothing. And so Miss Winthrop has the box, not 
 so easy to manage as a man. But she is in love she 
 told me she was and I am not, therefore the advantage 
 lies with me. Love blunts all the faculties. 
 
 Enter EDITH with a fish-basket, center door. 
 
 EDITH, [startled at seeing Miss WESTLAKEJ Oh, I 
 thought there was nobody here that is, I thought 
 Harold [she is embarrassed by the fish-basket] 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [sweetly] And who is Harold, dear? 
 
 EDITH. Why, Mr. Hunter. You know I have told 
 you about him. We are engaged. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Surely, Mr. Hunter, yes. But you 
 didn't tell me that you were expecting him. [aside] 
 The box is in that basket. 
 
 EDITH. I was not. He arrived quite unexpected this 
 morning. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [pointing to basket] Have you been 
 fishing, dear? I haven't seen you with that basket 
 before. 
 
 EDITH, [embarrassed] No. This is just a fishing 
 basket I picked up it isn't mine I'm just carry- 
 ing it 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Oh, yes, just for fun. 
 
 EDITH. It belongs to the fisher-girl, and I was bring- 
 ing it to Harold 
 
12 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Oh, I see. Harold is not a mighty 
 fisher, but he wants to appear like one. All the men do 
 up here. Let me look at the fish, Edith. 
 
 EDITH, [holding on to basket] Oh, they're just fish, 
 all alike, you know. I had rather you didn't see 
 them [hesitates and stammers J You might re- 
 cognize them when they came on the table, and it 
 would embarrass Harold if you did he is going to sit 
 at our table, you know. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Dearest girl, how you love him. 
 [she kisses EDITH and tries to get basket; they struggle 
 for it. HAROLD'S voice is heard outside calling, "Edith, 
 Edith, where are you? "] 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. There. A man's voice, Mr. Hun- 
 ter, calling for you. Run, run, leave the basket with 
 me. [she attempts to take the basket] 
 
 EDITH. No. No. [HAROLD'S voice sounds nearer, 
 "Edith, Edith"] He's coming, [she snatches away 
 basket] 
 
 Enter HAROLD. 
 
 HAROLD, [to EDITH] I've been chasing you every- 
 where. Have you ? [seeing Miss WESTLAKE] Oh, 
 
 I beg your pardon. 
 
 EDITH. This is my dear friend, Miss Westlake. Miss 
 Westlake, allow me to introduce Mr. Hunter. You have 
 heard me speak of him. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [to HAROLD] Mr. Hunter, if I were 
 a man we should be rivals. 
 
 HAROLD. I'm awfully glad you're a woman. I 
 shouldn't have a shadow of a show against you. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Very pretty, Mr. Hunter. You are 
 a courtier, I perceive. 
 
 HAROLD, [looking significantly at |EDITH] I'm a 
 courter, anyhow. 
 
 EDITH, [archly] And a successful one, Harold. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [to EDITH] Au revoir, dearest. I 
 must go and write a letter to my dear old father. I write 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND, 13. 
 
 to him every day. He says my letters are the only 
 pleasure left to him in life. I shall see you again, Mr^ 
 Hunter, [bows sweetly, and exit, left door\ 
 
 HAROLD. Edith, I see you've got the basket all right, 
 
 EDITH. Oh, yes, and 1 was just in time to prevent 
 the cook from opening it. [HAROLD takes her hand] 
 
 HAROLD. Let me have a good look at you, Edie. It's 
 so long since I have looked into your eyes. 
 
 EDITH. It is, sir. But when you arrived you seemed 
 a good deal more interested in that old diamond than in 
 my eyes. 
 
 HAROLD. And yet it is not half as brilliant as they are. 
 
 EDITH. You appeared to think differently then. 
 Harold, are you sure that no girl up in the Klondike 
 country has weaned you from me? 
 
 HAROLD. Edie, what makes you talk like that? You 
 excite my suspicions. I believe that some other man 
 has captured your fickle heart while I have been toiling 
 for you in the icy Klondike. 
 
 EDITH, [seating herself on lounge] Oh, Harold, I ad- 
 mit that I have a confession to make. 
 
 HAROLD. Quick, quick, make it, don't keep me in 
 suspense ! 
 
 EDITH. Well, I confess to the man. What could you 
 expect? You knew my nature, yet you went off to the 
 gold fields and left me. How did I know when you 
 would return? I was deserted, like Ariadne, and, like 
 her, I sought consolation. 
 
 HAROLD. My luck has gone dead back on me. But 
 the man, the man 
 
 EDITH. Yes, the man, I'm coming to him. Well, I 
 saw him often; first I only met him in the street, but 
 even then the sight of him strangely moved me. I confess 
 that I watched for him with emotion, and when I saw 
 him my heart went out to him as in old times it used to 
 go out to you. [she pauses] 
 
 HAROLD. Go on, go on ! 
 
 EDITH. He called at the house, he called often, he 
 
14 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 called every day, he called several times a day, yet I 
 would have had him call oftener still. 
 
 HAROLD. Death and murder! Am I to stand still 
 and listen to this ? 
 
 EDITH, [tragically] You may kill me, if you please, 
 but I must tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing 
 but the truth, [she rises, and in a matter-of-fact tone] 
 Harold, you are a donkey, the man was the postman 
 who brought me your letters. 
 
 [Miss WESTLAKE and the BARON look in from curtained 
 door at back, but quickly disappear] 
 
 HAROLD. [falling into a chair] O-h ! Edith, no 
 more of such jokes. Shocks like these produce heart- 
 disease. What made you frighten me so? 
 
 EDITH. Oh dear! Can't you imagine? 
 
 HAROLD. No, I can't, unless it was to cause me un- 
 happiness. 
 
 EDITH. Men are so stupid. Well, you wooden-head. 
 Because I love you, there! Now do you understand ? 
 
 HAROLD, [rising] Edie, Edie! Put down that old bas- 
 ket. Hang the diamond ! Say that again. I'm never 
 tired of hearing that sort of thing from you. Then you 
 do love me? [EDITH puts the basket on the table at back, 
 and they both come to front again and HAROLD takes both 
 her hands. Miss WESTLAKE comes out from curtain at 
 back and approaches basket, unperceivc.d by the others] 
 
 EDITH, [in a sprightly manner] Of course I love you. 
 At least, I think so. I don't know for sure, because I 
 haven't met all the men in the world. How do I know 
 that I love you the best of all until I have met them all ? 
 You must be reasonable. 
 
 HAROLD, [excited] Reasonable ! When reason comes 
 in, love goes out. The real thing is unreasonable and 
 unreasoning, or it isn't love. [Miss WESTLAKE glides to 
 table at back, takes fishing-basket, and exit at center door 
 ivith basket] 
 
 EDITH. Well, Harold, you must take me as you find 
 me. The fact that I let you take me at all should con- 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 15 
 
 vince you. [she turns to table] Why, where's the bas- 
 ket ? I laid it on that table, and it is gone. 
 
 HAROLD, [wildly] Gone ! Someone must have slipped 
 in and stolen it. That infernal Russian ! But I'll 
 find him and kill him. 
 
 [Exit in great excitement, right door 
 
 EDITH, [alone] " The real thing is unreasonable 
 and unreasoning ! " And he forgets all about the "real 
 thing " when he loses a diamond ! 
 
 Enter Miss WESTLAKE and PROFESSOR ELKINS, 
 center door. She is leaning on his arm. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. My dearest Edith, Professor Elkins 
 and I are having such an interesting discussion on trog- 
 lodytes. Now, are you aware that troglodytes are 
 human beings? 
 
 PROFESSOR. Rather, were human beings, Miss West- 
 lake. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Yes, were human beings. Why 
 Edith dear, you seem disturbed 
 
 EDITH. I am disturbed. A great misfortune has hap- 
 pened to Mr. Hunter. He has been robbed of most 
 valuable property. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE and the PROFESSOR. You don't say so ! 
 
 EDITH. Yes, and Harold knows the thief and has 
 gone after him, and if they meet something terrible will 
 happen. Blood will be shed, [sobs] 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. I'll go at once and help in the search 
 for the thief. What was the property, Edith? 
 
 EDITH. Why a basket of fish. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Ah, the basket you had in your 
 hands. But why attach such importance to a few fish? 
 The river is full of them. Never mind. I join in the 
 hunt for the thief. Professor, will you join? 
 
 PROFESSOR. No, I never saw a thief in my life, there- 
 fore how could I recognize one even if I met one ? 
 
16 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. What a philosopher you are ! It's 
 the honest man that I haven't yet seen. I have had a 
 varied experience with the other kind. 
 
 [Exit 
 
 EDITH, [much excited] Professor Elkins, you have 
 confessed to considerable admiration for me in the past. 
 Are you prepared to do me a favor ? 
 
 PROFESSOR, [takes her hand and kisses it] A thou- 
 sand, dear Miss Edith. 
 
 EDITH. A man arrived here this morning, a Rus- 
 sian, he calls himself Baron Polakoff. Find out who 
 he is, if he has ever been in Vladivostock, why he is 
 here, what he wants, in fact all about him. 
 
 PROFESSOR. But supposing I ask him and he refuses 
 to tell me? 
 
 EDITH. Have you no ingenuity? No resources? Are 
 you not an intelligent man? Don't you admire me? 
 
 PROFESSOR. Ah, that! yes, Miss Edith. In the most 
 scientific manner in which a woman was ever admired. 
 
 EDITH. Then, in the most scientific manner you have 
 to dispose of, get at the Baron and pump him, but sci- 
 entifically or unscientifically, find out all about him and 
 whether he has the basket. 
 
 PROFESSOR. What basket? 
 
 EDITH. The basket containing the fish. 
 
 PROFESSOR. Why should he have the basket? Would 
 a baron be a thief ? 
 
 EDITH, [impatiently] It is easy to see that you don't 
 care for me or you wouldn't make all these objections. 
 [she sits down] 
 
 PROFESSOR. But you're engaged to another man. 
 
 EDITH. Engaged isn't married. I've been engaged 
 to half a dozen before. Won't you do this for my sake? 
 [rises] 
 
 PROFESSOR. For that I'll do anything. 
 
 EDITH. Good. I depend upon you absolutely. You 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 17 
 
 will find me somewhere around when you are ready to 
 report to me. 
 
 [Exit, left door 
 
 PROFESSOR. I wish that I were less susceptible to the 
 charms of women. They take advantage of my suscep- 
 tibility. But I must find this Baron. 
 
 [Exit, right door 
 
 Enter Miss WESTLAKE and the BARON with the 
 basket, center door. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. You are sure that you never had 
 the basket out of your sight from the time I gave it to 
 you? 
 
 BARON. Not for an instant. I have held it in my 
 hand ever since. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. And yet the box was not in it. 
 
 BARON. It was not. I opened the basket immedi- 
 ately after you had passed it to me and hurried away. 
 It was full of fish, but the box was not there. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Who can have it? Not Edith nor 
 Mr. Hunter. They are looking for it now. If I were 
 not so sure of you, Baron, I should suspect you. 
 
 BARON, [bowing] But you cannot. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. No. Under the circumstances, I 
 cannot. 
 
 BARON. Inscrutable ! Unless that little fish-girl took 
 the box out before the young lady got the basket. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Of course. Baron, go to the fish- 
 girl and get it from her, by fair means or foul, by pur- 
 chase or by force. 
 
 BARON. Pardon me. That I cannot. She will have 
 nothing to say to me because I backed down in my offer 
 of $500 for her basket and would not pay her. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Offer her the money now. 
 
 BARON. No use. She is what you call "spunkv." 
 
18 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 She says to me (for I have seen her) that I could not buy 
 one of her old shoes now for $10,000. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. We must get someone to work her. 
 Ah ! the Professor. I can make him do anything. 
 
 BARON, [bowing] You can make any man do anything. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. And here he comes. 
 
 Enter PROFESSOR ELKINS. [BARON hides basket 
 under the table] 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Professor Elkins, have you met 
 Baron Polakoff? [the men bow] 
 
 PROFESSOR. Baron, I am glad to meet you. I am 
 very much interested in the Siberian town of Vladivos- 
 tock. Have you been there? 
 
 BARON, [ignoring question] Professor, you are a man 
 of science, and doubtless have often remarked that 
 when you drop a lump of sugar into a cup of coffee in- 
 numerable bubbles immediately rise to the surface. 
 Now, why is this? I am not a man of science, but I 
 want information; will you give it to me? 
 
 PROFESSOR. I'm sure I don't know why it is, except 
 that the bubbles can go nowhere else. 
 
 BARON, [aside] And this man is a university profes- 
 sor ! Inscutable ! 
 
 PROFESSOR. Baron, have you ever lived in Siberia? 
 
 BARON. Siberia ! What a desolate country compared 
 to your smiling land! How unhappy are those who 
 have to live there ! [a pause] 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. But, Baron, you have not answered 
 the Professor's question. 
 
 BARON. Oh, excuse me. Have I ever been to Si- 
 beria? Certainly ; I have been everywhere Miss West- 
 lake, I believe that you are not a scientist, but I am 
 told that you are a woman of great practical knowledge. 
 Have you ever noticed that when you look at the bowl 
 of a spoon on the concave side, your face is reflected up- 
 side down, but when you look on the convex side your 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 19* 
 
 face is natural? Now, why is this? I simply ask for 
 information. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. You can't prove it by me, Baron. 
 
 PROFESSOR ELKINS. Nor by me. 
 
 BARON, [aside] And he a university professor ! In- 
 scrutable ! 
 
 PROFESSOR. Do you intend to remain here long? 
 
 BARON. Not long. Can you tell me why the wood- 
 pecker, usually a most intelligent bird, will perch on 
 a telegraph pole and peck at the glass insulators around 
 which the wires run? Can you give a scientific reason? 
 
 PROFESSOR, [impatiently] No, I cannot. 
 
 BARON, [aside] And he a university professor ! In 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Baron, will you be kind enough to 
 fetch me the fan I left in my hammock or somewhere 
 on the porch? 
 
 BARON. With pleasure, scrutable! 
 
 [Exit center door, with basket concealed 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE is sitting on the lounge; she 
 makes room for the PROFESSOR. 
 
 Miss ^WESTLAKE. Professor, the Baron is a bore with 
 his questions. Come and sit here. I want to talk to 
 you. I want your advice. [PROFESSOR sits down by her] 
 You are such a learned man ; 1 am told that you know 
 everything. Of course you have studied palmistry? 
 
 PROFESSOR. No. I have never paid any attention to 
 that science. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. It is a charmingly interesting study. 
 Will you show me the palm of your hand? [she takes 
 PROFESSOR'S hand] Oh, how unusually marked, what 
 an interesting hand, what a long life-line, that is the 
 life-line you see. And what a head-line and how 
 slim your fingers are ! [during the whole of this scene 
 the PROFESSOR shows signs of lively satisfaction] Those 
 little cross lines are love affairs quite a good many 
 
20 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 PROFESSOR. Let me see your hand, both hands, all 
 your hands, oh, how soft they are. [takes her hands 
 in his] 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Ah, Professor, how different they 
 are from your heart. 
 
 PROFESSOR, [excited] No. I assure you that they are 
 uot-[recovering himself] at least scientifically, they are not. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [disengaging her hands] Oh, yes. 
 You can't deceive me. I was going to ask a favor of you, 
 but since I have read the lines in your hand I am afraid 
 to do so. 
 
 PROFESSOR, [warmly J Hang my hands ! At least, I 
 beg your pardon, I mean, ask anything of me I am 
 your most devoted servant. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [rising] Then, my most devoted 
 servant, this is what I want you to do No, never 
 mind my hand now : the seance in palmistry is over for 
 the time being. I want you to go to the fisher-girl, 
 whom you know, since you are one of her best customers, 
 and get from her 
 
 PROFESSOR, [rising] Yes, I know. A basket 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. No, not a basket. A box, which 
 she took from the basket. 
 
 PROFESSOR. But supposing she declines to give it to me? 
 
 Miss AVESTLAKE. Supposing she declines? Of course 
 she will decline at first, but use your intelligence. Have 
 you none? Use your blandishments, [laughing] give her 
 a lesson in palmistry. Will you do this for me? 
 
 PROFESSOR. This, and anything else you may ask. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. You are charming, [looks out] And 
 here she comes. I leave you with her. 
 
 [Exit, left door 
 
 Enter IRENE with a fish-basket, right door. 
 
 IRENE, [to PROFESSOR] Any fish to-day, mister? 
 PROFESSOR. Yes, I want some fish. I want a basket 
 of fish, no, a box of fish. 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 21 
 
 IRENE. Got no boxes. I keeps my fish in baskets 
 from the time I take 'em off the hook to the time I sells 
 'em. Nary boxes. 
 
 PROFESSOR [earnestly] But I want that box which you 
 have and which I am bound to get. 
 
 IRENE. What's the matter with the jay? I ain't got 
 no box. You're a funny man. Queer, eh? Crazy? 
 
 PROFESSOR. No, not crazy, you know the box that 
 you took ' 
 
 IRENE. Never mind any old box. Here, have some 
 fish, [she lakes one out and puts it under his nose, laughing] 
 
 PROFESSOR. Go away no, stay. Let me read your 
 palm. 
 
 IRENE. I ain't got no palm, 'cause I can't read. 
 
 PROFESSOR, [taking her hand and examining it] What 
 an unusual hand. Not so soft as the other, but shapely, 
 very 
 
 IRENE, [draiving away her hand] Ah, you, quit foolin'. 
 I've got to go down the river to Sims to-day to do some 
 more fishing. 
 
 PROFESSOR. Let me go along with you. I should like 
 to learn how to fish scientifically. 
 
 IRENE. All right, come along. And you can carry 
 this fish-basket. There's fish in it now, but I'll sell 'em 
 all on the way to Sims, [gives him basket] 
 
 PROFESSOR. Excuse me a minute while I go and get 
 my bag. I have in it some geological instruments that 
 I would like to take with me, in case we come across 
 any specimens. 
 
 IRENE. Go right ahead, mister. I'll wait for you 
 down by the bridge. 
 
 [Exit, right door, PROFESSOR exits, left door, with basket 
 Enter HAROLD and EDITH, center door. 
 
 EDITH. And did you find the Baron? 
 
 HAROLD. Yes. 
 
 EDITH. What did you say to him? 
 
22 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 HAROLD. I charged him with the theft of the diamond. 
 
 EDITH. What did he say? 
 
 HAROLD. He challenged me to fight a duel. 
 
 EDITH. Did you fight? 
 
 HAROLD, [crossly] Did I fight? Now, Edith, have a 
 little sense. What use would fighting be? It wouldn't 
 give me back my property, and you might have been a 
 widow before you were married. 
 
 EDITH. And what did you do, then? 
 
 HAROLD. Do? I apologized. I had to. He would 
 have sued me for libel otherwise. 
 
 EDITH. Well, you certainly have done a good many 
 queer things within the last hour. 
 
 HAROLD, [bitterly] I never spent such an hour in 
 my life before. But I have telegraphed to Redding for 
 the sheriff of the county, and when he comes we will 
 have a thorough investigation. And we'll see whether 
 the Baron will sue me or fight me. He'll have an op- 
 portunity of fighting in San Quentin prison. That's 
 where he belongs. 
 
 Enter PROFESSOR with fishing-basket, valise and 
 umbrella, left door. 
 
 HAROLD, [to PROFESSOR] Hello ! where are you go- 
 ing with that basket? 
 
 PROFESSOR. What business is that of yours, pray? 
 
 EDITH. Professor Elkins, this is my friend Mr. Hun- 
 ter. Professor Elkins, Harold. 
 
 HAROLD, [to PROFESSOR] And now, sir, may I repeat 
 my question? 
 
 PROFESSOR. You will get the same answer if you do r 
 sir. 
 
 EDITH. Professor, what is your objection to telling 
 us where you were going with that basket? 
 
 PROFESSOR. To telling you, I have no objection. I 
 am going I am going ah ! fishing. 
 
 EDITH. Without a rod, and with a valise and umbrella? 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 23 
 
 HAROLD [lifting basket] And a basket already heavy 
 with fish or something ! Do the men here usually take 
 fish with them when they go fishing? 
 
 PROFESSOR. They don't often bring any back, I notice. 
 
 Enter the SHERIFF OF SHASTA COUNTY. 
 
 SHERIFF. Which of you gentlemen is Mr. Hunter? 
 I was told that I should find him here. 
 
 HAROLD. I am. Who are you? 
 
 SHERIFF I am the sheriff of Shasta County, just ar- 
 rived from Redding on a special train. 
 
 HAROLD. You are the Sheriff? Why, excuse me for 
 saying so, but you're a woman. 
 
 SHERIFF. Shasta is an up-to-date county. Women 
 are of some account here. I was elected by two hun- 
 dred and fifteen majority. I hanged a man last week. 
 
 PROFESSOR. May I ask if the operation was successful? 
 
 SHERIFF. Well, the rope broke, but so did his neck, 
 so it was all right. 
 
 EDITH. Mrs. Sheriff, you know why you were sent 
 for ; have you any theory in regard to the disappearance 
 of this property? 
 
 SHERIFF. Why, on my way up from the station, I 
 was interviewed by a distinguished foreigner and a very 
 intelligent lady, who tried to persuade me that there 
 had been no robbery at all and that I had better go 
 home. Apart from a strong suspicion that they have 
 hit it exactly, I have no particular theory. 
 
 HAROLD. But I have, [pointing to PROFESSOR] and I 
 denounce that man as the robber and declare that he 
 has my stolen property in his possession in that basket. 
 
 PROFESSOR. Mrs. Sheriff, I am Professor Elkins, head 
 of the Geological Department in the University. Do 
 you think that I could be a robber? 
 
 SHERIFF. No, sir, I do not, and there is a very simple 
 way of proving that you are not the thief. Open that 
 basket. 
 
24 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 PROFESSOR. But I have personal objections to allow- 
 ing this basket to be opened. It is the property of a 
 lady who confided it to my safe keeping. 
 
 EDITH, [aside] His reluctance to being searched is 
 suspicious. I wonder if he is a real professor? 
 
 SHERIFF. Professor, you will have to yield. You may 
 as well do so without any fuss, for I, as a representative 
 of the law, can make you. 
 
 PROFESSOR, [unstrapping basket and giving it to the SHER- 
 IFF] I yield to superior physical force. Take the bas- 
 ket, [all stand around in a circle while the SHERIFF 
 opens the basket; she takes out the box and displays it] 
 
 HAROLD and EDITH. The box ! 
 
 HAROLD. That is my box and contains my property. 
 
 SHERIFF. In the name of the law, and the people of 
 Shasta County, I take charge of this box until its right- 
 ful owner is discovered. 
 
 HAROLD. I am the rightful and sole owner and I claim, 
 my property. 
 
 Enter Miss WESTLAKE. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Pardon me. I claim the property 
 in the name of Czar of all the Russias, whose duly ac- 
 credited agent I am, as I can prove. 
 
 HAROLD. Mrs. Sheriff, don't mind her. She can't 
 prove anything; she's nobody; everything's nothing; 
 except that box, which is mine. 
 
 EDITH. Yes, it's his. [pointing to HAROLD] 
 
 SHERIFF. I must have further proof, [to PROFESSOR] 
 Professor, if you are a professor and not merely an in- 
 structor, where did you get the basket containing this 
 box? 
 
 PROFESSOR. From a lady., 
 
 SHERIFF. From which lady? 
 
 PROFESSOR. I decline to say. I should scorn to in- 
 criminate a lady. 
 
 SHERIFF, [slapping him on the back] Say, I believe- 
 you're a real professor after all. But, as I said before, I 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 25 
 
 must have proof before giving up the property. You, 
 various claimants [to Miss WESTLAKE, HAROLD and 
 EDITH] get your proofs ready and bring them here to 
 me in half an hour. I shall wait here with this man 
 who is now my prisoner. 
 
 HAROLD. I'll prove my claim in ten minutes. 
 
 [Exit with EDITH, right door 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. And I in five. 
 
 [Exit, center door 
 
 [PROFESSOR sits down] 
 
 SHERIFF, [to PROFESSOR, producing a pair of handcuffs] 
 A little formality, Professor; oblige me by putting these 
 on. 
 
 PROFESSOR. I shall never suffer such an indignity. 
 I am as innocent of this crime as a new-born babe. 
 
 SHERIFF. Ah, give me something newer. Even the 
 
 tough I hanged said that. Come now [approaches 
 
 PROFESSOR] 
 
 PROFESSOR. Never. It shall never be said that a mem- 
 ber of our faculty wore handcuffs, [retreats behind table] 
 
 SHERIFF. Dear Mr. Professor. To oblige a lady, I 
 know your gallant heart. You won't refuse a lady. 
 
 PROFESSOR [coming nearer] WL- I, let me see them. 
 
 SHERIFF. There as neat a pair as were ever turned 
 out by a locksmith. Come, come, stretch out your 
 learned hands, or I s.iall be obliged to use force. 
 
 PROFESSOR. Of course I must yield to brute force. 
 [stretches out his hands] 
 
 SHERIFF. Thank you. Now see, how easily it is 
 done, click! there, aren't they comfortable? [claps 
 handcuffs on] 
 
 PROFESSOR. Ah, if my class could see me now ! 
 
 SHERIFF. But it cannot. Why, what do I see? Grease 
 spots on your coat, that won't do, now I'll take them 
 
26 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 out for you. [produces a cake of soap, and rubs the PROFES- 
 SOR'S coat; both sit down on the lounge] 
 
 PROFESSOR. My position is not so unpleasant after 
 all, nor do I feel the deep humiliation I had expected. 
 
 SHERIFF. There, that's better. Now, you look more 
 respectable. I shall be proud to bring you into the jail 
 at Redding. 
 
 PROFESSOR. To jail ; oh, horrors ! la jail-bird ! 
 
 SHERIFF. Now, look at your cuffs, [takes his hands 
 and stretches them out] all unraveled, they are in a 
 disgraceful condition. I must remedy that, [produces 
 scissors from her pocket and carefully trims edges of his 
 cuffs] 
 
 PROFESSOR. Do not be in a hurry, [aside] Captivity 
 lias its redeeming features. 
 
 SHERIFF, [examining cuffs critically] That's neater. 
 You're my star prisoner and I don't want you to dis- 
 grace me. Why, what do I see? A rent on the inside 
 of your coat. Quick, let me sew it up. [produces needle 
 and thread and proceeds to sew rent] 
 
 PROFESSOR. Do you personally attend to the toilet of 
 all your prisoners? 
 
 SHERIFF, [sewing] You may believe I don't, but 
 I've taken a shine to you. 
 
 PROFESSOR. Why, how silky your hair is and how 
 much there is of it ! 
 
 SHERIFF. Oh, I'm an Absalom for hair. 
 
 PROFESSOR. Sweet are the uses of adversity. In 
 your hands a felon's lot becomes a happy one. [attempts 
 to take SHERIFF'S hand, but is prevented by his handcuffs] 
 Fetters and shackles have no terrors for me now. 
 [bends down and kisses her hand as she sews] 
 
 SHERIFF. Stop that. There, the job is done. Now, 
 you're quite a gentleman. [PROFESSOR attempts to kiss 
 her hand] Stop, I say, some one is coming. 
 
 Enter HAROLD and EDITH, right door. 
 HAROLD. Ah, we are the first. Mrs. Sheriff, here are 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 27 
 
 the proofs of my ownership to the property, [hands SHER- 
 IFF a bundle of papers] 
 
 SHERIFF. All right. Before deciding I must wait for 
 the evidence offered by the other side. But in the 
 meanwhile, in the name of the people of Shasta County, 
 I open this box and examine its contents, [opens box 
 and takes out diamond, which is wrapped up in paper; 
 the paper falls to the ground in front] 
 
 HAROLD and EDITH. This is our diamond. 
 
 SHERIFF. So, so, a diamond, and a great big one, too. 
 
 PROFESSOR, [who has approached] Excuse me a mo- 
 ment, may I see this brilliant? [SHERIFF gives it to him] 
 [to HAROLD] Who told you that this was a diamond? 
 
 HAROLD. Why, I have eyes, haven't I? 
 
 PROFESSOR. Yes, you have eyes, but they are igno- 
 rant eyes, that is, as regards carbons. 
 
 HAROLD. What do you mean? 
 
 PROFESSOR. I mean that I may have a fatal weakness 
 for the fair sex, but I am Professor of Geology and 
 Mineralogy at the University, and in my own line am 
 unexcelled. This is no diamond. 
 
 HAROLD. What is it, then? 
 
 PROFESSOR. A white topaz; that is, a simple crystal, 
 of no commercial value, extraordinarily brilliant I ad- 
 mit, but no more a diamond than copper is gold. 
 
 EDITH. I don't believe it. Harold, you and your dia- 
 mond are all right. This man is an imposter. He pro- 
 fesses to be a professor and gives no scientific reasons 
 for his so-called science. He can't even define what he 
 calls a white topaz. 
 
 PROFESSOR. Pardon me, I can. The white topaz is 
 merely a crystal. It would be a most valuable gem were 
 it not for two good reasons : first, it is not suited for 
 cutting ; secondly, it is found in large quantities in many 
 parts of the civilized world. As to the stone itself, its 
 crystals are commonly hemimorphic ; it is a silicate of 
 aluminium associated with the fluorides of aluminium 
 and silicon. Do I make my meaning clear now? 
 
 HAROLD, [dryly] Oh, perfectly. 
 
28 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 PROFESSOR. You will observe that the crystals are or- 
 thorhombic prisms with a perfect cleavage, and that its 
 hemimorphism is associated with the property of pyro- 
 electricity. It's clear to you all, isn't it? 
 
 SHERIFF. Clear! Why a babe with a bottle would 
 understand that. 
 
 HAROLD. And do you mean to say that a stone about 
 which all that can be said has no value in the market? 
 
 PROFESSOR. That is my meaning, pecisely. [hands 
 diamond back to SHERIFF, who places it in box] 
 
 SHERIFF. Well, I know nothing about diamonds, or 
 topazes, or prisms, but I have a prisoner here and he must 
 go to jail, that is, if any one charges him with anything. 
 [to HAROLD] Do you make a formal charge, mister? 
 
 HAROLD. Of course I do. Naturally he [pointing 
 to PROFESSOR] says that the diamond is worthless in 
 order to escape prosecution, for it has been found in his 
 possession and he cannot account for it. 
 
 EDITH. After all, diamond or no diamond, he was 
 making off with the contents of that basket, wasn't he? 
 
 SHERIFF. Yes, that's so; if you insist, I must hold 
 him ; the majesty of the law is not to be trifled with. 
 
 Enter IRENE with another fish-basket. 
 
 IRENE. Say, folks, have any of you seen that sporty 
 school-teacher what was goin' to meet me on the 
 bridge? Ah, here he is. 
 
 HAROLD, [pointing to IRENE] And this girl is his ac- 
 complice. Take her into custody also. 
 
 IRENE. Into what? 
 
 SHERIFF. He says that you were helping the prisoner 
 [pointing to the PROFESSOR] to escape with his diamond. 
 
 IRENE, [calmly] Then he lies. 
 
 SHERIFF, [to IRENE] Is this your basket? If so, what 
 was in it? 
 
 IRENE, [examining basket] Yes. That's mine, all 
 right, all right. What was in it? Why fish, of course. 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 29 
 
 EDITH, [to IRENE] How was the box taken from your 
 basket and put back again, and by whom? 
 
 IRENE. I don't know nothing about no old box only 
 baskets with fish in 'em. I've got lots of baskets, and 
 they get mixed up. I don't even remember which one 
 you was all foolin' about, making believe you'd give $500 
 for it. Maybe the basket I gave the cook was not that 
 one, but it don't mattes', same fish in all of them, 
 only nary boxes. You can't arrest me for nothin'. Any 
 gents want fish? No? Well, ta ta, all. 
 
 Enter Miss WESTLAKE and BARON. 
 
 SHERIFF. No, we can't arrest her, but I hold this 
 man, anyhow, [pointing to PROFESSOR] 
 
 [Exit IRENE, left door 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Yes, hold on to him My property 
 was found on him 
 
 SHERIFF. All right, [to Miss WKSTLAKE] But first, 
 are you aware that in your absence I opened this box 
 and found in it nothing but a diamond, or piece of glass, 
 called by some a white topaz with prisms? 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Impossible! It contained something 
 of immense value. 
 
 BARON. Of priceless value. 
 
 HAROLD. There, you see ! At least these people ad- 
 mit that much. They know a diamond when they see it. 
 
 SHERIFF, [to Miss WESTLAKE] Well, ma'am, I don't 
 know a diamond from a pebble off the beach, but one 
 thing is certain, the box contained nothing but a piece 
 of hard substance that may be a diamond, a topaz, or a 
 lump of glass. 
 
 BARON. Excuse me. I was for many years what you 
 call director of the imperial diamond mines at Ishvoshik, 
 in Siberia. I can tell a diamond from a pebble more 
 easily than I can tell an apple from a plum. May 1 
 see this stone? May I examine it in your presence? 
 
30 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 SHERIFF, [handing him stone] Certainly. 
 
 BARON, [after examining stone] Bah, throw the thing 
 away. It is a white topaz worth perhaps fifty cents, 
 more probably nothing. At Odon Tchelou. in Siberia, 
 you can pick them up. They are too brittle to bear 
 cutting and are of interest only to the geologist. I am 
 not a scientist, and therefore cannot give you long 
 names, so a white topaz is to me simply a crystal what 
 you call a piece of glass. 
 
 PROFESSOR, [triumphantly] Science is vindicated ! 
 
 SHERIFF. Does anybody besides this gent [indicating 
 HAROLD] claim this thing? 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Not I. 
 
 BARON. Not I. 
 
 PROFESSOR. Not I. 
 
 SHERIFF, [to HAROLD] Then, sir, take it. It's yours. 
 [gives him stone] And now, Professor, I'm very thirsty; 
 come along and have a drink. 
 
 PROFESSOR. But I never drink between meals. 
 
 SHERIFF. Then the law must compel you, for the 
 Sheriff of Shasta County is not a camel, but he will not 
 drink alone. Come along. 
 
 [SHERIFF leads PROFESSOR out, center door 
 
 EDITH, [to HAROLD] Oh ! Harold, what a fool you 
 have been. 
 
 HAROLD. So it seems. But even a fool can love you. 
 
 EDITH, [taking his hand] And the strange part of it 
 is that even a woman can love a fool. 
 
 [they go toward back of stage 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [who has been conferring apart with 
 the BARON] Stop a moment, Mr. Hunter. When you 
 sailed from Vladivostock that box contained something of 
 far greater value than the biggest diamond in the world. 
 Now, what have you done with that something? 
 
 HAROLD. [coming down] With what something? 
 What's all this? You make my head spin. Some new 
 complication ! Explain yourself. 
 
A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 31 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. Well, I will. Know, then, that al- 
 though I am an American woman, I am an agent of the 
 Russian police, in the employ of the Third Section. 
 Some weeks ago, I received information that a secret 
 cipher stolen from the Russian government by Nihilists 
 had been sent from Vladivostock to San Francisco en- 
 closed in a box carried by an American, who was to de- 
 liver it to the Nihilist bureau in San Francisco. My 
 friend, Baron Polakoff, being at that time in Vladivos- 
 tock, I sent him word to discover the bearer of the cipher 
 and keep him in sight. This he has done ; and you are 
 the man. [pointing to HAROLD] 
 
 HAROLD. Well, madam, so far as I am concerned, you 
 are welcome to everything the box contained, including 
 my Klondike diamond; take it and have it framed. 
 [gives Miss WESTLAKE the box, she examines it eagerly; 
 the BARON searches around in the room] 
 
 Enter SHERIFF and PROFESSOR. 
 
 SHERIFF. Ah, I feel better. Well, have you people 
 found all your valuables? 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [bitterly] No, nothing. Ah, BARON, 
 we are bunglers. Half an hour ago we got hold of the 
 wrong fish-basket, and now it seems that you have been 
 following the wrong man and got on to the wrong box. 
 
 BARON, [who has picked up a paper from floor] Excuse 
 me. I think not. This [showing paper] appears to be a 
 cipher. It must have been in the box 
 
 SHERIFF, [taking paper] Yes, I remember the dia- 
 mond was wrapped up in this paper. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [snatching paper from SHERIFF] At 
 last! My fortune is made. Why, what is this? [trying 
 to read the cipher] 
 
 PROFESSOR, [looking over her shoulder] It is appar- 
 ently written in Chinese characters, [takes cipher from 
 Miss WESTLAKE] Allow me, I am an oriental scholar. 
 [reads aloud] "Vladivostock, March 2d, old style. 
 ''3 shirts 45 kopecks. 4 pair of socks 8 kopecks. 
 
32 A KLONDIKE DIAMOND. 
 
 "9 collars 36 kopecks, etc., etc. Total, 5 roubles 10 
 kopecks, and signed Ah Chin." [speaking] This is a 
 Chinaman's wash-list, a very entertaining document. 
 [hands it to Miss WESTLAKE] 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. [in despair] A wash-list! So it is. 
 I am undone. I can never report to the Third Section 
 that I caused a Chinaman's wash-list to be tracked 
 five thousand miles. The name of Westlake is forever 
 disgraced. 
 
 BARON, [bowing profoundly to Miss WESTLAKE] Then 
 why not change it to that of Polakoff ? 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. This is the thirteenth time that 
 you have proposed to me, Baron, and to-day is a Friday; 
 therefore, just for luck, I accept you. [takes his arm] 
 
 SHERIFF, [to HAROLD] Do you maintain your charge 
 against my prisoner? 
 
 HAROLD. Oh, no. I can't charge a man with steal- 
 ing hemimorphic silicate of aluminium with fluorides of 
 silicon and prisms ! Life's too short. 
 
 Miss WESTLAKE. And I prefer not to charge him with 
 having a Chinaman's wash-list in his possession. 
 
 SHERIFF, [to PROFESSOR] Then, Professor, I'm sorry r 
 but you are free. No theft, no thief. 
 
 PROFESSOR, [to SHERIFF] Why not make me your pris- 
 oner for life. 
 
 SHERIFF. What? And go out of politics? 
 
 PROFESSOR. Is not matrimony loftier than politics? 
 
 SHERIFF. Maybe. But politics is more fun. No, no, 
 Professor, not this time. 
 
 BARON. And he a university professor! Truly, the 
 ways of women are [pauses] 
 
 ALL. [shouting] Inscrutable! 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 SHERIFF. 
 
 PROFESSOR. Miss WESTLAKE 
 
 EDITH. BARON. 
 
 HAROLD