^fon^sy^-
AETEMUS WAKD
HIS WORKS, COMPLETE.
[Four Volumes in One.]
WITH FIFTY ILLUSTRATIONS,
A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH
BY
MELVILLE D. LANDON,
["ELI PERKINS.")
NEW YORK:
G. W. Carleton 6? Co., Publishers.
LONDON: J. C. HOTTEN.
M.DCCC.LXXV.
Entered according to Act" of Congress, in the year 1875, by
G. W. CAELETON & CO.,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
JOHN F. TROW & SON, PRINTERS,
105-213 EAST X2TK ST., NEW YORK.
PREFACE.
AKTEMUS WAKD gave to the world, through his Publisher, G. W.
Carleton, four humorous volumes:
ARTEMUS WARD ; His BOOK. Issued, May 17, 1862.
ARTEMUS WARD;%IS TRAVELS. " Sept. 23, 1865.
ARTEMUS WARD ; IN LONDON. " July 13, 1867.
ARTEMUS WARD ; His PANORAMA. " June 26, 1869.
Besides these works, Art emus left unpublished, scattered manuscripts
for another volume, which was to have been entitled "Essays and
Sketches."
Throughout these five volumes more than fifteen hundred pages of
droll sayings an attempt has been made to preserve the author's wit-
tiest things; to re-arrange and give them all to the public and to poster-
ity hi one convenient volume a handy compendium of the best
things which Artemus Ward ever said in lectures, or published in the
Plaindealer, Vanity Fair, London Punch, and in the four books above
mentioned.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH, BY MELVILLE D. LANDOX . 11
PART I.
ESSAYS, SKETCHES, AND LETTERS.
Mr. "Ward's first Business Letter 25
On "Forts" 26
The Shakers 28
High-handed Outrage at Utica 34
Atlantic Cable Celebration at Baldinsville .... 35
Among the Spirits 38
On the Wing 41
The Octoroon 43
Oberlin .47
The Showman's Courtship 49
The Crisis 52
Among the " Free Lovers " 57
Wax Figures vs. Shakspeare 55
A Visit to Brigham Young 59
The Press 63
Edwin Forrest as Othello 64
The Show Business and Popular Lectures .... 67
Woman's Rights 68
The Prince of Wales 70
Ossawatornie Brown 74
Joy in the House of Ward 77
Boston. (A. Ward to his Wife.) 79
How "Old Abe " received the News of his Nomination . 84
Interview with President Lincoln 85
(vii)
viii CONTENTS.
PAGE
Interview with Prince Napoleon ..... 90
Agriculture. . . . . . . . 94
Busts .... * .99
A Hard Case 100
Affairs around the Village Green 101
PAKT II.
WAR.
The Show is Confiscated 107
Thrilling Scenes in Dixie 112
Fourth of July Oration . . . . . 116
War Fever in Baldinsville 119
A War Meeting 123
The Draft in Baldinsville . . . . . . . ..'; 127
Surrender of Cornwallis 133
Things in New York 137
Canada 140
The Noble Red Man . 144
Artemus Ward in Richmond 145
Artemus Ward to the Prince of Wales 150
PART III.
STORIES AND ROMANCES.
Moses the Sassy ; or, The Disguised Duke . . . 157
Marion : a Romance of the French School . . . 161
William Barker, the Young Patriot .... 163
The Conscript. A Romance 164
Only a Mechanic. A Romance . . . . . 133
Roberto the Rover: a Tale of Sea and Shore . 169
Red Hand: a Talc of Revenge ... 173
Pyrotechny: a Romance after the French . ?? * .- 177
A Mormon Romance Reginald Gloverson .' 183
CONTENTS. ix
PART IV.
TO CALIFORNIA AND RETURN. pAQE
On th3 Steamer, 189; The Isthmus, 190; Mexico, 193; Cali-
fornia, 195; Washoe, 198; Mr. Pepper, 200; Horace Gree-
ley's Ride to Placerville, 201; To Reese River, 205; Great
Salt Lake City, 208; The Mountain Fever, 210; I am Here,
212; Brigham Young, 212; Hurrah for the Road! 215;
Very much Married . . . . . . . 219
PART V.
THE LONDON PUNCH LETTERS.
1. Arrival in London ........ 223
2. Personal Recollections 227
3. The Green Lion and Oliver Cromwell .... 231
4. At the Tomb of Shakspeare ...... 236
5. Introduction to the Club 24(1
6. The Tower of London 245
7. Science and Natural History 249
8. A Visit to the British Museum . . 254
PART VI.
ARTEMUS WARD'S PANORAMA.
Prefatory Note by Melville D. Land on .... 259
The Egyptian Hall Lecture 262
Programme of the Egyptian Hall Lecture . . . 299
Programme of the Dodworth Hall Lecture . . . 305
PART VII.
MISCELLANEOUS.
Cruise of the Polly Ann . . . . . . . 313
Betsy-Jain Re-orgunized 315
A. Ward's Autobiography . . . . . . . 316
The Serenade ........ 320
O'Bourcy's " Arrah-na-Pogue" . . . . . . 322
Artemus among the Fenians ...... 327
Artemus "Ward in Washington ...... 333
Scenes Outside the Fair Grounds 338
The Negro Question 341
Artemus on Health 344
A Fragment At North Berwick 346
1*
LIST OF FULL-PAGE ILLUSTRATIONS
PA 01
Portrait of Charles F. Browne (Artenms Ward) . Frontispiece
Arteinus rescued from the " Kanawl " 27
Art emus among the Shakers 32
A. "Ward's speech on the Crisis & Secession ... 52
Artemus with the Mormon Women 62
Artemus listening to Forrest's Othello .... 65
Mrs. Ward's Baby. "Twins, mam," sez I, " Twins ! " . 76
Interview with President Lincoln 86
Artemus as a Farmer 95
Artemus mobbed and his Show confiscated . . . 109
Mr. Ward delivering his great Union Speech . . . 116
Betsy Jane calls on the Editor of "The Bugle" . . 123
Artemus and the Artist with long hair . . . . 127
" Lo ! the poor Indian and the pretty Waiter Girl " . 141
Hamlet to slow Music 152
Moses the Sassy, the Disguised Duke . . . . 160
Horace Greeley in the Overland Stage .... 204
The Indian Agriculturist 219
Artemus Ward introduced to London Punch . . . 223
" Has my clothing a Welchy appearance ? " . . . 230
Artemus Ward as " Capting of the Home Guards " . . 233
Arteinus at the Tomb of Shakspeare .... 238
" Young Woman, I'm not your Sailor Boy " . . . 244
Natural History sudden Playfulness of the Bear . 252
CHAS. FARRAR BROWNE,
"ARTEMTJS WARD."
A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH, BY MELVILLE D. LANDON.
CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE, better known to the world as
"Artemus "Ward," was born at Waterford, Oxford County,
Maine, on the twenty-sixth of April, 1834, and died of con-
sumption at Southampton, England, on Wednesday, the sixth of
March, 1867.
His father, Levi Browne, was a land surveyor, and Justice of
the Peace. His mother, Caroline E. Brown, is still living, and
is a descendant from Puritan stock.
Mr. Browne's business manager, Mr. Kingston, once asked
him about his Puritanic origin, when he replied : " 1 think we
came from Jerusalem, for my father's name was Levi and we
had a Moses and a Nathan in the family, but my poor brother's
name was Cyrus ; so, perhaps, that makes us Persians."
Charles was partially educated at the Waterford school, when
family circumstances induced his parents to apprentice him to
learn the rudiments of printing in the office of the Skowlie-
gan Clarion, published some miles to the north of his native
village. Here he passed through the dreadful ordeal to which
12 BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE.
a printer's "devil" is generally subjected. He always kept
his temper ; and his eccentric boy jokes are even now told by
the residents of Skowhegan.
In the spring, after his fifteenth birthday, Charles Browne
bade farewell to the SkowJiegan Clarion; and we next hear
of him in, the office of the Carpet-Bag, edited by B. P.
Shillaber (" Mrs. Partington"). Lean, lank, but strangely
appreciative, young Browne used to " set up " articles from the
pens of Charles G. Halpine (" Miles O'Reilly ") and John G.
Saxe, the poet. Here he wrote his first contribution in a dis-
guised hand, slyly put it into the editorial box, and the next
day disguised his pleasure while setting it up himself. The
article was a description of a Fourth of July celebration in
Skowhegan. The spectacle of the day was a representation of
the battle of Yorktown, with G. Washington and General
Horace Cornwallis in character. The article pleased Mr.
Shillaber, and Mr. Browne, afterwards speaking of it, said : " I
went to the theatre that evening, had a good time of it, and
thought I was the greatest man in Boston."
While engaged on the Carpet-Bag ', the subject of our sketch
closely studied the theatre and courted the society of ac-
tors and actresses. It was in this way that he gained that
correct and valuable knowledge of the texts and characters of
the drama, which enabled him in after years to burlesque them
so successfully. The humorous writings of Seba Smith were
his models, and the oddities of " John Phoenix " were his es-
pecial admiration.
Being of a roving temper Charles Browne soon left Boston,
and, after travelling as a journeyman printer over much of New
York and Massachusetts, he turned up in the town of Tiffin,
Seneca County, Ohio, where he became reporter and compositor
at four dollars per week. After making many friends among
the good citizens of Tiffin, by whom he is remembered as a
patron of side shows and travelling circuses, our hero suddenly
set out for Toledo, on the lake, where he immediately made a
reputation as a writer of sarcastic paragraphs in the columns of
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWS W. 13
the Toledo Commercial. He waged a vigorous newspaper
war with the reporters of the Toledo Blade, but while the
Diode indulged in violent vituperation, " Artemus " was good-
natured and full of humor. His column soon gained a local
fame and everybody read it. His fame even travelled away
to Cleveland, where, in 1858, when Mr. Browne was twenty-
four years of age, Mr. J. "W. Gray of the Cleveland Plain-
dealer secured him as local reporter, at a salary of twelve dol-
lars per week. Here his reputation first began to assume a
national character, and it was here that they called him a
" fool " when he mentioned the idea of taking the field as a
lecturer. Speaking of this circumstance while travelling down
the Mississippi with the writer, in 1865, Mr. Browne musingly
repeated this colloquy:
WISE MAN : " Ah ! you poor foolish little girl here is a dollar for
you."
FOOLISH LITTLE GIKL: "Thank you, sir; but I have a sister
at home as foolish as I am : can't you give me a dollar for her ? "
Charles Browne was not successful as a news reporter, lack-
ing enterprise and energy, but his success lay in writing up in
a burlesque manner well-known public affairs like prize-fights,
races, spiritual meetings, and political gatherings. His depart-
ment became wonderfully humorous, and was always a favorite
with readers whether there was any news in it or not. Some-
times he would have a whole column of letters from young
ladies in reply to a fancied matrimonial advertisement, and
then he would have a column of answers to general correspond-
ents like this :
YE KIT AS. Many make the same error. Mr. Key, who wrote the
" Star Spangled Banner," is not the author of Hamlet, a tragedy.
He wrote the banner business, and assisted in ki The Female Pirate,"
but did not icritc Hamlet. Hamlet was written by a talented but un-
scrupulous man naraed Macbeth, afterwards tried and executed for
" murdering sleep."
YOUNG CLERGYMAN. Two pints of mm, two quarts of hot water,
tea-cup of sugar, and a lemon ; grate in nutmeg, stir thoroughly and
drink while hot.
14 BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE.
It was during his engagement on the Plaindealer that ha
wrote, dating from Indiana, his first communication, the first
published letter following this sketch, signed " Artemus Ward,"
a sobriquet purely incidental, but borne with the "u" changed
to an " a " by an American revolutionary general. It wa~s here
that Mr. Browne first became, in words, the possessor of a
moral show " consisting of three moral bares, a kangaroo (a
amoftzing little rascal ; 'twould make you larf yourself to death
to see the little kuss jump and squeal), wax figures of G. Wash-
ington, &c. &c." Hundreds of newspapers copied this letter,
and Charles Browne awoke one morning to find himself famous.
In the Plaindealer office, his companion George Hoyt writes :
" His desk was a rickety table which had been whittled and
gashed until it looked as if it had been the victim of lightning.
His chair was a fit companion thereto, a wabbling, unsteady
affair, sometimes with four and sometimes with three legs.
But Browne saw neither the table, nor the chair, nor any person
who might be near, nothing, in fact, but the funny pictures
which were tumbling out of his brain. When writing, his
gaunt form looked ridiculous enough. One leg hung over
the arm of his chair like a great hook, while he would write
away, sometimes laughing to himself, and then slapping the
table in the excess of his mirth."
While in the office of the Plaindealer Mr. Browne first con-
ceived the idea of becoming a lecturer. In attending the vari-
ous minstrel shows and circuses which came to the city, he
would frequently hear repeated some story of his own which
the audience would receive with hilarity. His best witticisms
came back to him from the lips of another who made a living
by quoting a stolen jest. Then the thought came to him to en-
ter the lecture field himself, and become the utterer of his own
witticisms the mouth-piece of his own jests.
On the 10th of November, 1860, Charles Browne, whose
fame, travelling in his letters from Boston to San Francisco,
had now become national, grasped the hands of his hundreds of
New York admirers. Cleveland had throned him the monarch
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 15
of mirth, and a thousand hearts paid him tributes of adulation
as he closed his connection with the Cleveland Press.
Arriving in the Empire City, Mr. Browne soon opened an
engagement with Vanity Fair, a humorous paper after the
manner of London Punch, and ere long he succeeded Mr.
Charles G. Leland as editor. Mr. Charles Dawson Shanly says :
" After Artemus Ward became sole editor, a position which he
held for a brief period, many of his best contributions were
given to the public ; and, whatever there was of merit in the
columns of Vanity Fair from the time he assumed the editorial
charge, emanated from his pen." Mr. Browne himself wrote
to a friend : " Comic copy is what they wanted for Vanity
Fair. I wrote some and it killed it. The poor paper got to
be a conundrum, and so I gave it up."
The idea of entering the field as a lecturer now seized Mr.
Browne stronger than ever. Tired of the pen, he resolved on
trying the platform. His Bohemian friends agreed that his fame
and fortune would be made before intelligent audiences. He
resolved to try it. What should be the subject of my lecture?
How shall I treat the subject? These questions caused Mr.
Browne grave speculations. Among other schemes, he thought
of a string of jests combined with a stream of satire, the whole
being unconnected a burlesque upon a lecture. The subject,
that was a hard question. First he thought of calling it
MY SEVEN GRANDMOTHERS, but he finally adopted the name
of BABES IN THE WOODS, and with this subject Charles
Browne was introduced to a metropolitan audience, on the
evening of December 23d, 1861. The place was Clinton Hall,
which stood on the site of the old Astor Place Opera House,
where years ago occurred the Macready riot, and where now is
the Mercantile Library. Previous to this introduction, Mr.
Frank Wood accompanied him to the suburban town of Nor-
wich, Connecticut, where he first delivered his lecture and
watched the result. The audience were delighted, and Mr.
Browne received an ovation. Previous to his Clinton Hall ap-
pearance the city was flooded with funny placards reading
1C BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE.
WA.RD
WILL
SPEAK A PIECE.
Owing to a great storm, only a small audience braved the
elements, and the Clinton Hall lecture was not a financial suc-
cess. It consisted of a wandering batch of comicalities, touch-
ing upon everything except " The Babes." Indeed it was better
described by the lecturer in London, when he said, " One of the
features of my entertainment is, that it contains so many
things that don't have anything to do with it."
In the middle of his lecture, the speaker would hesitate,
stop, and say : " Owing to a slight indisposition we will now
have an intermission of fifteen minutes." The audience looked
in utter dismay at the idea of staring at vacancy for a quarter of
an hour, when, rubbing his hands, the lecturer would continue :
" but, ah during the intermission I will go on with my lec-
ture!"
Mr. Browne's first volume, entitled " Artemus Ward ; His
Book," was published in New* York, May 17th, 1862. The
volume was everywhere hailed with enthusiasm, and over forty
thousand copies were sold. * Great success also attended the sale
of his three other volumes published in '65, '67, and '69.
Mr. Browne's next lecture was entitled " Sixty Minutes in
Africa," and was delivered in Musical Fund Hall, Philadelphia.
Behind him hung a large map of Africa, " which region," said
Artemus, " abounds in various natural productions, such as
reptiles and flowers. It produces the red rose, the white rose,
and the neg-roes. In the middle of the continent is what is
called a * howling wilderness,' but, for my part, I have never
heard it howl, nor met with any one who has."
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 17
After Mr. Browne had created immense enthusiasm for his
lectures and books in the Eastern States, which filled his pock-
ets with a handsome exchequer, he started, October 3d, 1863,
for California, a faithful account of which trip is given by him-
self in this book. Previous to starting, he received a telegram
from Thomas Maguire, of the San Francisco Opera House, in-
quiring " what he would take for forty nights in California"
Mr. Browne immediately telegraphed back,
" Brandy and water.
A. WARD."
and, though Maguire was sorely puzzled at the contents of the
dispatch, the Press got hold of it, and it went through Califor-
nia as a capital joke.
Mr. Browne first lectured in San Francisco on "The Babes
in the Woods," November 13th, 1863, at Pratt's Hall. T.
Starr King took a deep interest in him, occupying the rostrum,
and his general reception in San Francisco was warm.
Returning overland, through Salt Lake to the States, in the
fall of 1864, Mr. Browne lectured again in New York, this
time on the " Mormons," to immense audiences, and in the
spring of 1865 he commenced his tour through the country,
everywhere drawing enthusiastic audiences both North and
South.
It was while on this tour that the writer of this sketch again
spent some time with him. "We met at Memphis and travelled
down the Mississippi together. At Lake Providence the In-
diana rounded up to our landing, and Mr. Browne accompanied
the writer to his plantation, where he spent several days, ming-
ling in seeming infinite delight with the negroes. For them he
showed great fondness, and they used to stand around him in
crowds listening to his seemingly serious advice. We could
not prevail upon him to hunt or to join in any of the equestrian
amusements with the neighboring planters, but a quiet fascina-
18 BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE.
tion drew him to the negroes. Strolling through the "quar-
ters," his grave words, too deep with humor for darkey com-
prehension, gained their entire confidence. One day he called
up Uncle Jeff., an Uncle-Tom-like patriarch, and commenced in
his usual vein: "Now, Uncle Jefferson," he said, "why do
you thus pursue the habits of industry ? This course of life is
-wrong all wrong all a base habit, Uncle Jefferson. Now
try and break it off. Look at me, look at Mr. Landon,
the chivalric young Southern plantist from New York, he toils
not, neither does he spin; he pursues a career of contented
idleness. If you only thought so, Jefferson, you could live for
months without performing any kind of labor, and at the expi-
ration of that time feel fresh and vigorous enough to commence
it again. Idleness refreshes the physical organization it is a
sweet boon ! Strike at the roots of the destroying habit to-day,
Jefferson. It tires you out ; resolve to be idle ; no one should
labor ; lie should hire others to do it for him ; " and then he
would fix his mournful eyes on Jeff, and hand him a dollar,
while the eyes of the wonder?struck darkey would gaze in mute
admiration upon the good and wise originator of the only the-
ory which the darkey mind could appreciate. As Jeff, went
away to tell the wonderful story to his companions, and backed
it with the dollar as material proof, Artemus would cover
his eyes, and bend forward on his elbows in a chuckling laugh.
"AMONG THE MORMONS" was delivered through the States,
everywhere drawing immense crowds. His manner of deliver-
ing his discourse was grotesque and comical beyond description.
His quaint and sad style contributed more than anything else to
render his entertainment exquisitely funny. The programme
was exceedingly droll, and the tickets of admission presented
the most ludicrous of ideas. The writer presents a fac-simile oi
an admission ticket which was presented to him in Natchez by
Mr. Browne :
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 19
ADMIT THE BEARER
AND ONE WIFE.
W
A. ARD.
In the spring of 1866, Charles Browne first timidly thought
of going to Europe. Turning to Mr. Kingston one day he
asked: "What sort of a man is Albert Smith? Do you
think the Mormons would be as good a subject to the Londoners
as Mont Blanc was ? " Then he said : " I should like to go to
London and give my lecture in the same place. Can't it be
done ? "
Mr. Browne sailed for England soon after, taking with him
his Panorama. The success that awaited him could scarcely have
been anticipated by his most intimate friends. Scholars, wits,
poets, and novelists came to him with extended hands, and his
stay in London was one ovation to the genius of American wit.
Charles Reade, the novelist, was his warm friend and en-
thusiastic admirer ; and Mr. Andrew Haliday introduced him
to the "Literary Club," where he became a great favorite.
Mark Lemon came to him and asked him to become a con-
tributor to JPunch, which he did. His Punch letters were
more remarked in literary circles than any other current
matter. There was hardly a club-meeting or a dinner at
which they were not discussed. " There was something so
grotesque in the idea," said a correspondent, " of this ruthless
Yankee poking among the revered antiquities of Britain, that
the beef-eating British themselves could not restrain their
laughter." The story of his Uncle William who u followed com-
20 BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE.
mercial pursuits, glorious commerce and sold soap!" and hig
letters on the Tower and " Chowser," were palpable hits, and it
was admitted that Punch had contained nothing better since
the days of " Yellowplush." This opinion was shared by
the Times, the literary reviews, and the gayest leaders of
society. The publishers of Punch posted up his name in
large letters over their shop in Fleet street, and Artemus
delighted to point it out to his friends. About this time
Mr. Browne wrote to his friend Jack Rider, of Cleveland :
"This is the proudest moment of my life. To have been as well
appreciated here as at home ; to have written for the oldest comir
Journal in the English language, received mention with Hood, with
Jerrold and Hook, and to have my picture and my pseudonym as com-
mon in London as in New York, is enough for
" Yours truly,
"A. WARD."
England was thoroughly aroused to the merits of Artemus
Ward, before he commenced his lectures at Egyptian Hall ;
and when, in November, he finally appeared, immense crowds
were compelled to turn away. At every lecture his fame in-
creased, and when sickness brought his brilliant success to an
end, a nation mourned his retirement.
On the evening of Friday, the seventh week of his engage-
ment at Egyptian Hall, Artemus became seriously ill, an
apology was made to a disappointed audience, and from that
time the light of one of the greatest wits of the centuries com-
menced fading into darkness. The Press mourned his retire-
ment, and a funeral pall fell over London. The laughing,
applauding crowds were soon to see his consumptive form
moving towards its narrow resting-place in the cemetery at
Kensal Green.
By medical advice Charles Browne went for a short time
to the Island of Jersey but the breezes of Jersey were power-
less. He wrote to London to his nearest and dearest friends
the members of a literary club of which he was a member
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 21
to complain that his " loneliness weighed on him." He was
brought back, but could not sustain the journey farther than
Southampton. There the members of the club travelled from
London to see him two at a time that he might be less
lonely.
His remains were followed to the grave from the rooms of
his friend Arthur Sketehley, by a large number of friends and
admirers, the literati and press of London paying the last
tribute of respect to their dead brother. The funeral services
were conducted by the Rev. M. D. Conway, formerly of Cin-
cinnati, and the coffin was temporarily placed in a vault, from
which it was removed by his American friends, and his body
now sleeps by the side of his father, Levi Browne, in the quiet
cemetery at Waterford, Maine. Upon the coffin is the simple
inscription :
"CHARLES F. BROWNE,
AGED 32 YEARS,
BETTER KNOWN TO THE WORLD AS ' ARTEMUS WARD."'
His English executors were T. W. Robertson, the playwright,
and his friend and companion, E. P. Kingston. His literary
executors were Horace Greeley and Richard H. Stoddard. In
his will, he bequeathed among other things a large sum of
money to his little valet, a bright little fellow ; though subse-
quent denoilments revealed the fact that he left only a six-thou-
sand-dollar house in Yonkers. There is still some mystery
about his finances, which may one day be revealed. It is
known that he withdrew $10,000 from the Pacific Bank to
deposit it with a friend before going to England ; besides
this, his London Punch letters paid a handsome profit.
Among his personal friends were George jtloyt, the late Daniel
Setchell, Charles W. Coe, and Mr. Mullen, the artist, all of
whom he used to style " my friends all the year round."
22 BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE.
Personally Charles Farrar Browne was one of the kindest
and most affectionate of men, and history does not name a man
who was so universally beloved by all who knew him. It was
remarked, and truly, that the death of no literary character
since Washington Irving caused such general and wide-spread
regret.
In stature he was tall and slender. His nose was prominent,
outlined like that of Sir Charles Napier, or Mr. Seward ; his
eyes brilliant, small, and close together ; his mouth large, teeth
white and pearly ; fingers long and slender ; hair soft, straight,
and blonde; complexion florid; mustache large, and his voice
soft and clear. In bearing, he moved like a natural-born gen-
tleman. In his lectures he never smiled not even while he
was giving iitterance to the most delicious absurdities ; but all
the while the jokes fell from his lips as if he was unconscious of
their meaning. While writing his lectures, he would laugh and
chuckle to himself continually.
There was one peculiarity about Charles Browne he never
made an enemy. Other wits in other times have been famous,
but a satirical thrust now and then has killed a friend. Diog-
enes was the wit of Greece, but when, after holding up an
old dried fish to draw away the eyes of Anaximenes' audience,
he exclaimed " See how an old fish is more interesting than An-
aximenes" he said a funny thing, but he stabbed a friend.
When Charles Lamb, in answer to the doting mother's question
as to how he liked babies, replied, " b-b-boiled, madam,
boiled ! " that mother loved him no more : and when John
Randolph said " tliank you / " to his constituent who kindly
remarked that he had the pleasure of passing his house, it was
wit at the expense of friendship. The whole English school of
wits with Douglas Jerrold, Hood, Sheridan, and Sidney Smith,
indulged in repartee. They were parasitic wits. And so
with the Irish, except that an Irishman is generally so ridicu-
lously absurd in his replies as to only excite ridicule. " Artemus
Ward " made you laugh and love him too.
The wit of " Artemus Ward " and " Josh Billings " is distinc-
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 23
tively American. Lord Kames, in his " Elements of Criticism,"
makes no mention of this species of wit, a lack which the future
rhetorician should look to. We look in vain for it in the Eng-
lish language of past ages, and in other languages of modern
time. It is the genus American. When Artemus says in
that serious manner, looking admiringly at his atrocious pic-
tures, "I love pictures and I have many of them
beautiful photographs of myself ; " you smile ; and when he con-
tinues, "These pictures were painted by the Old Masters:
they painted these pictures and then they they expired ; '' you
hardly know what it is that makes you laugh outright ; and
when Josh Billings says in his Proverbs, wiser than Solomon's,
" you'd better not know so mucji, than know so many things
that ain't so; " the same vein is struck, but the text-books
fail to explain scientifically the cause of our mirth.
The wit of Charles Browne is of the most exalted kind. It
is only scholars and those thoroughly acquainted with the
subtilty of our language who fully appreciate it. His wit is
generally about historical personages like Cromwell, Garrick, or
8hakspeare, or a burlesque on different styles of writing, like
his French novel, when Mfalutin phrases of tragedy come
from the clod-hopper who (t sells soap and thrice refuses
a ducal coronet."
Mr. Browne mingled the eccentric even in his business let-
ters. Once he wrote to his Publisher, Mr. G. W. Carleton,
who had made some alterations in his MSS. : " The next book
I write I'm going to get you to write." Again he wrote
in 1863 :
" DEAR CARL : You and I will get out a book next spring, which
will knock spots out of all comic books in ancient or modern history.
And the fact that you are going to take hold of it convinces me that
you have one of the most massive intellects of fhj.s or any other epoch.
" Yours, my pretty gazelle,
"A. WARD."
When Charles F. Browne died, he did not belong to America;
for, as with Irving and Dickens, the English language claimed
24 BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE.
him. Greece alone did not suffer when the current of Diog-
enes' wit flowed on to death. Spain alone did not mourn when
Cervantes, dying, left Don Quixote, the "knight of la
Mancha." When Charles Lamb ceased to tune the great
heart of humanity to joy and gladness, his funeral was in
every English and American household ; and when Charles
Browne took up his silent resting-place in the sombre shades
of Kensal Green, jesting ceased, and one great Anglo-American
heart,
Like a muffled drnm went beating
Funeral marches to his grave.
MELVILLE D. LANDON.
ARTEMUS WARD
I.
ESSAYS, SKETCHES, AND LETTEKS.
ONE OF MR. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS.
To the Editor of the
Sm I'm movin along slowly along down tords your
place. I want you should rite me a letter, sayin how is the
show bizniss in your place. My show at present consists of
three moral Bares, a Kangaroo (a amoozin little Raskal
t'would make you larf yerself to deth to see the little cuss
jump up and squeal) wax figgers of G. Washington Gen. Tay-
ler John Bunyan Capt. Kidd and Dr. Webster in the act of
killin Dr. Parkman, besides several miscellanyus moral wax
sta toots of celebrated piruts & murderers, <tc., ekalled by few &
exceld by none. Now Mr. Editor, scratch orf a few lines
sayin how is the show bizniss down to your place. I shall
hav my hanbills dun at your offiss. Depend upon it. I want
you should git my hanbills up in flamin stile. Also git up a
tremenjus excitemunt in yr. paper 'bowt my onparaleld Show.
We must fetch the public sumhow. We must wurk on their
feelins. Cum the moral on 'em strong. If it's a temperance
community tell 'em I sined the pledge fifteen minits arter Ise
born, but on the contery ef your peple take their tods, say
2
26 ON "FORTS"
Mister Ward is as Jenial a feller as \ve ever met, full of con-
wiviality, & the life an sole of the Soshul Bored. Take-, don't
you ? If you say any thin abowt my show say my snaiks is as
harinliss as the new born Babe. What a interestin study it is
to see a zewological animil like a snaik under perteck subjec-
shun ! My kangaroo is the most larfable little cuss I ever
saw. All for 15 cents. I am anxyus to skewer your infloo-
unce. I repeet in regard to them hanbills that I shall git 'em
struck orf up to your printin office. My perlitercal sentiments
agree with yourn exackly. I know thay do, becawz I never
saw a man whoos didn't.
Respectively yures,
A. WARD.
P. S. You scratch my back & He scratch your back.
ON FORTS."
EVERY man has got a Fort. It's sum men's fort to do one
thing, and some other men's fort to do another, while there is
numeris shiftliss critters goin round loose whose fort is not to
do nothin.
Shakspeer rote good plase, but he wouldn't hav succeeded as
a Washington correspondent of a New York daily paper. He
lackt the rekesit fancy and imagginashun.
That's so !
Old George Washington's Fort was not to hev eny public
man of the present day resemble him to eny alarmin extent.
Whare bowts can George's ekal be found? I ask, & boldly
anser no whares, or eny whare else.
Old man Townsin's Fort was to. jnaik Sassyperiller. ^ Qoy
to the world ! anuther life saived | " (Cotashun from Town*
sin's advertisemunt.)
ARTEMUS RESCOOD FROM THE KANAWL. [See Page 27.]
ON "FORTS." 27
Cyrus Field's Fort is to lay a sub-machine tellegraf under
the boundin billers of the Oshun, and then hev it Bust.
Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared Gloo, which mends
everything. Wonder ef it will mend a sinner's wickid waze.
(Iinpromptoo goak.)
Zoaiy's Fort is to be a femaile circus feller.
My Fort is the grate moral show bizniss & ritin choice fam-
erly literatoor for the noospapers. That's what's the matter
with me.
<tc., &c., <fec. So I mite go on to a indefnit extent.
Twict I've endeverd to do things which thay wasn't my
Fort. The fust time was when I undertuk to lick a owdashus
cuss who cut a hole in my tent & krawld threw. Sez I,
" my jentle Sir go out or I shall fall onto you putty hevy."
Sez he, u Wade in, Old wax figgers," whareupon I went for
him, but he cawt me powerful on the lied &, knockt me threw
the tent into a cow pastur. He pursood the, attack & flung me
into a mud puddle. As I aroze & rung out my drencht gar-
mints I koncluded fitin wasn't my Fort. He now rize the
kurtin upon Seen 2nd : It is rarely seldum that I seek conso-
lation in the Flowin Bole. But in a sertin town in Injianny
in the Faul of 18 , my orgin grinder got sick with the
fever , died. I never felt so ashamed in my life, & I thowt
I'd hist in a few swallows of suthin strengthin. Konsequents
was I histid in so much I dident zackly know whare bowts I
was. I tumd my livin wild beests of Pray loose into the
streets and spilt all my wax wurks. I then Bet I cood play
hoss. So I hitched myself to a Kanawl bote, there bein two
other hosses liitcht on also, one behind and anuther ahead of
me. The driver hollerd for us to git up, and we did. But
the hosses bein onused to sich a amuigenumt begun to kick &
squeal and rair up. Konsequents was I was kickt vilently in
the stummuck <fc back, and prcsimtly I fownd myself in the
Kanawl with the other hosses, kickiu & yelliii like a tribe of
Cusscaroorus savvijis. I wasrescood, & as I was bein car rid to
28 THE SHAKERS.
the tavern on a hemlock Bored I sed in a feeble voise, te Boys,
playiii hoss isn't my Fort."
MORUL Never don't do nothin which isn't your Fort, for
ef you do you'll find yourself splashin round in the Kanawl,
figgeratively speakin.
THE SHAKERS.
THE Shakers is the strangest religious sex I ever met. I'd
hearn tell of 'em and I'd seen 'em, with their broad brim'd hats
and long wastid coats ; but I'd never cum into immejit contack
with 'em, and I'd sot 'em down as lackin intelleck, as I'd never
seen 'em to my Show leastways, if they cum they was dis-
gised in white peple's close, so I didn't know 'em.
But in the Spring of 18 , I got swampt in the exterior of
New York State, one dark and stormy night, when the winds
Blue pityusly, and I was forced to tie up with the Shakers.
I was toilin threw the mud, when in the dim vister of the
futer I obsarved the gleams of a taller candle. Tiein a hornet's
nest to my off hoss's tail to kinder encourage him, I soon
reached the place. I knockt at the door, which it was opened
unto me by a tall, slick-faced, solum lookin individooal, who
turn'd out to be a Elder.
" Mr. Shaker," sed I, " you see before you a Babe in the
woods, so to speak, and he axes shelter of you."
" Yay," sed the Shaker, and he led the way into the house,
another Shaker bein sent to put my hosses and waggin under
kiver.
A solum female, lookin sumwhat like a last year's bean-
pole stuck into a long meal bag, cum in and axed me was I
athurst and did I hunger ? to which I urbanely anserd " a few."
THE SHAKERS. 29
She went orf and I endeverd to open a conversasliun with the
old man.
" Elder, I spect ? " sed I.
Yay," he said.
Keith's good, I reckon? "
" Yay."
" What's the wages, of a Elder, when he understans his biz-
ness or do you devote your sarvices gratooitus ? "
" Yay."
" Stormy night, sir."
" Yay."
" If the storm continners there'll be a mess underfoot, hay ? "
" Yay."
f{ It's onpleasant when there's a mess underfoot ? "
"Yay."
61 If I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that pe-
cooler kind of weskit you wear,, incloodin trimmins ? "
" Yay ! "
I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I'd be faseshus with him
and see how that would go, I slapt him on the shoulder, bust
into a harty larf, and told him that as a yayer he had no livin
ekal.
He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears,
groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed : " You're
a man of sin ! " He then walkt out of the room.
Jest then the femal ein the meal bag stuck her hed into the
room and statid that refreshments awaited the weary travler,
and I sed if it was vittles she ment the weary travler was
agreeable, and I follored her into the next room.
I sot down to the table and the female in the meal bag pored
out sum tea. She sed nothin, and for five minutes the only
live thing in that room was a old wooden clock, which tickt in
a subdood and bashful manner in the corner. This dethly
stillness made me oneasy, and I determined to talk to the fe-
male or bust. So sez I, " marrige is agin your rules, I bleeve ;
marm ? "
SO % THE SHAKERS.
Yay."
" The sexes liv strickly apart, I spect ? "
" Yay."
" It's kinder singler," sez I, puttin on my most sweetest
look and speakin in a winnin voice, " that so fair a made as
thou never got hitched to some likely feller." [N. B. She
was upards of 40 and homely as a stump fence, but I thawt I'd
tickil her.]
" I don't like men ! " she sed, very short.
" Wall, I dunno," sez I, ft they're a rayther important part
of the populashun. T don't scacely see how we could git along
without 'em."
" Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better
if there was no men ! "
" You'll excoos me, marin, but I don't think that air would
work. It wouldn't be regler."
tl I'm fraid of men ! " she sed.
" That's onnecessary, marm. You ain't in no danger.
Don't fret yourself on that pint.
" Here we're shot out from the sinful world. Here all is
peas. Here we air brothers and sisters. We don't marry and
Donsekently we hav no domestic difficulties. Husbans don't
abooze their wives wives don't worrit their husbans. There's
no children here to worrit us. Nothin to worrit us here. No
wicked matrimony here. Would thow like to be a Shaker ? "
" No," sez I, " it ain't my stile."
I had now histed in as big a load of pervishuns as I could
carry comfortable, and, leanin back in my cheer, commenst
pickin my teeth with a fork. The female went out, leavin-me
all alone with the clock. I hadn't sot thar long before the
Elder poked his hed in at the door. " You're a man of sin ! "
he sed, and groaned and went awry.
Dircckly thar cum in two young Shakeresses, as putty and
slick lookin gals as I ever met. It is troo they was drest in
meal bags like the old one I'd met previsly, and their shiny,
silky har was hid from sight by long white caps, sich as I spose
THE SHAKERS. 31
female Josts wear ; but their eyes sparkled like diminds, their
cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin emiff to make a
man throw stuns at his granmother if they axed him to.
They comenst clearin away the dishes, castin shy glances at me
all the time. I got excited. I forgot Betsy Jane in my rap*
ter, and sez I, " my pretty dears, how air you ? "
" We air well," they solumly sed.
" Whar's the old man ? " sed I, in a soft voice.
" Of whom dost thow speak Brother Uriah ? "
" I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a man of sin.
Shouldn't wonder if his name was Uriah."
" He has retired."
" Wall my pretty dears," sez I, " let's have sum fun. Let's
play puss in the corner. What say ? "
" Air you a Shaker, sir ? " they axed.
" Wall my pretty dears, I haven't arrayed my proud form,
in a long weskit yit, but if they was all like you perhaps I'd
jine 'em. As it is, I'm a Shaker pro-temporary."
They was full of fun. I seed that at fust, only they was a
leetle skeery. I tawt 'em Puss in the comer and sich like
plase, and we had a nice time, keepin quiet of course so the old
man shouldn't hear. When we broke up, sez I, " my pretty
deai-s, ear I go you hav no objections, hav you, to a innersent
kiss at partin ? "
" Yay," they sed, and I ya\fd.
I went up stairs to bed. I spose I'd bin snoozin half an
hour when I was woke up by a noise at the door. I sot up in
bed, leanin on my elbers and rubbin my eyes, and I saw the
follerin picter : The Elder stood in the doorway, with a taller
candle in his hand. He hadn't no wearin appeerel on except
his night close, which flutterd in the breeze like a Seseshun
flag. He sed, " You're a man of sin ! " then groaned and went
away.
I went to sleep agin, and drempt of runnin orf with the pret-
ty little Shakeresses mounted on my Californy Bar. I thawt
the Bar insisted on steerin strate for my dooryard in Baldins-
32 THE SHAKERS.
ville and that Betsy Jane cum out and giv us a warm recep-
shun with a panfull of Bilin water. I was woke up arly by
the Elder. He sed refreshments was reddy for me down stairs.
Then sayin I was a man of sin, he went groanin away.
As I was goin threw the entry to the room where the vit-
tles was, I cum across the Elder and the old female I'd met the
night before, and what d'ye spose they was up to ? Huggin
and kissin like young lovers in their gushingist state. Sez I,
" my Shaker frends, I reckon you'd better suspend the rules
and git married."
" You must excoos Brother Uriah," sed the female ; " he's
subjeck to fits and hain't got no command over hisself when
he's into 'em."
" Sartinly," sez I, " I've bin took that way myself frequent."
" You're a man of sin ! " sed the Elder.
Arter breakfust my little Shaker frends cum in agin to clear
away the dishes.
" My pretty dears," sez I, " shall we yay agin ?
" Nay," they sed, and I nay'di
The Shakers axed me to go to their meetin, as they was to
hav sarvices that mornin, so I put on a clean biled rag and
went. The meetin house was as neat as a pin. The floor was
white as chalk and smooth as glass. The Shakers was all on
hand, in clean weskits and meal bags, ranged on the floor like
milingtery companies, the mails 011 one side of the room and
the females on tother. They commenst clappin their hands
and singin and dancin. They danced kinder slow at fust, but
as they got warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell
you. Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right smart
chance of spryness in his legs, considerin his time of life, and
as he cum a dubble shuffle near where I sot, I rewarded him
with a approvin smile and sed : " Hunky boy ! Go it, my gay
and festiv cuss ! "
ft Your'e a man of sin ! " he sed, continnerin his shuffle.
The Sperret, as they called it, then moved a short fat Shaker
to say a few remarks. He sed they was Shakers and all was
ARTEMUS AMONO THE SHAKERS. ' YAY," THEY SET>, AND I
YAT'D. [See Page 32]
TEE SHAKERS. 33
ekal. Tliey was the purest and Seleckest peple on the yearth.
Other peple was sinful as they could be, but Shakers was all
right. Shakers was all goin kerslap to the Promist Land, and
nobody want goin to stand at the gate to bar 'em out, if they
did they'd git run over.
The Shakers then danced and sung agin, and arter they was
threw, one of 'em axed me what I thawt of it.
Sez I, "What duz it siggerfy? "
"What?"sezhe.
" Why this jumpin up and singin ? This long weskit biz-
niss, and this anty-matrimony idee ? My frends, you air neat
and tidy. Your lands is flowin with milk and honey. Your
brooms is fine, and your apple sass is honest. When a man
buys a keg of apple sass of you he don't find a grate many
shavins under a few layers of sass a little Game I'm sorry
to say sum of my New Englan ancesters used to practiss.
Your garding seeds is fine, and if I should sow 'em on the
rock of Gibralter probly I should raise a good mess of garding
sass. You air honest in your dealins. You air quiet and
don't distarb nobody. For all this I givs you credit. But
your religion is small pertaters, I must say. You mope away
your lives here in single retchidness, and as you air all by
yourselves nothing ever conflicks with your pecooler idees, ex-
cept when Human Nater busts out among you, as I understan
she sumtimes do. [I giv Uriah a sly wink here, which made
the old feller squirm like a speared Eel.] You wear long
weskits and long faces, and lead a gloomy life indeed. No
children's prattle is ever hearii around your liarthstuns you
air in a dreary fog all the time, and you treat the jolly sun-
shine of life as tho' it was a thief, drivin it from your doors
by them weskits, and meal bags, and pecooler noshuns of yourn.
The gals among you, sum of which air as slick pieces of caliker
as I ever sot eyes on, air syin to place their heds agin weskits
which kiver honest, manly harts, while you old heds fool yer-
selves with the idee that they air fulfillin their rnishun here,
and air contented. Here you air, all pend up by yerselves,
34: HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA.
talkiri about the sins of a world you don't know nothin of.
Meanwhile said world continners to resolve round on her own
axeltree onct in every 24 hours, subjeck to the Constitution
of the United States, and is a very plesant place of residence.
It's a unnatral, onreasonable and dismal life your'e leadin here.
So it strikes me. My Shaker frends, I now bid you a welcome
adoo. You hav treated me exceedin well. Thank you kindly,
one and all.
"A base exhibiter of depraved monkeys and onpriiicipled
wax works ! " sed Uriah.
" Hello, Uriah," sez I, " I'd most forgot you. Wall, look
out for them fits of yourn, and don't catch cold and die in the
flour of your youth and beauty."
And I resoomed my jerney.
HIGH-HANDED OUTBAGE AT UTICA.
IN the Paul of 1856, I showed my show in Utiky, a trooly
grate sitty in the State of New York.
The people gave me a cordyal recepshun. The press was
loud in her prases.
1 day as I was givin a descripshun of my Beests and Snaiks
in my usual flowry stile what was my skorn & disgust to see a
big burly feller walk up to the cage containin my wax figgers
of the Lord's Last Supper^ and cease Judas Iscarrot by the
feet and drag him out on the ground. He then commenced
fur to pound him as hard as he cood.
" What under the son are you abowt ? " cried I.
Sez he, " What did you bring this pussylanermus cuss here
fur?" & he hit the wax figger another tremenjis blow on the
hed.
CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. 35
Sez I, " Yon egrejus ass, that air's a wax figger a repre-
sentashun of the false 'Postle."
Sez hej ;< That's all very well fur you to say, but I tell you,
old man, that Judas Iscarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with
iinpunerty by a darn site ! " with which observashun he kaved
in Judassis hed. The young man belonged to 1 of the first
famerlies in Utiky. I sood him, and the Joory brawt in a
verdick of Arson in the 3d degree.
CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOR
OF THE ATLANTIC*CABLE.
BALDINSVILLE, INJIANNY, Sep. the onct, 18&58. I was
summund home from Cinsinnaty quite suddin by a lettur from
the Supervizers of Baldinsville, sayin as how grate things was
on the Tappis in that air town in refferunse to sellebratin the
compleshun of the Sub-Mershine Tellergraph axldn me to be
Pressunt. Lockin up my Kangeroo and wax wurks in a sekure
stile I took my departer for Baldinsville " my own, my nativ
Ian," which I gut intwo at early kandle litin on the follerin
night & j ust as the sellerbrashun and illumernashun ware com-
mensin.
Baldinsville was trooly in a blaze of glory. Near can I
forgit the surblime speckticul which met my gase as I alited
from the Staige with my umbreller and verlise. The Tarvern
was lit up with taller kandles all over & a grate bon fire was
bumin in frunt thareof. A Transpirancy was tied onto the
sine post with the follerin wurds " Giv us Liberty or Deth."
Old Tompkinsis grosery was illumeniated with 5 tin lantuns
and the follerin Transpirancy was in the winder tf The Sub-
Mershine Tellergraph & the Baldinsville and Stonefield Plank
Road the 2 grate eventz of the 19th cen terry may intes-
36 CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE.
tines strife never mar their grand] ure." Simpkinsis shoe shop
was all ablase with kandles and lantuns. A American Eagle
was painted onto a flag in a winder also these wurds, viz.
"The Constitooshim must be Presarved." The Skool house
was lited up in grate stile and the winders was filld with
mottoes amung which I notised the follerin " Trooth
smashed to erth shall rize agin YOU CAN'T STOP HER." " The
Boy stood on the Burnin Deck whense awl but him had Fled."
" Prokrastinashun is the theaf of Time." " Be virtoous &
you will be Happy." " Intemperunse has cawsed a heap of
trubble shun the Bole," an the follerin sentimunt written by
the skool master, who graduated at Hudson Kollige. tl Balcl-
insville sends greetin to Her Magisty the Queen, & hopes all
hard feelins which has heretofore previs bin felt between the
Supervizers of Baldinswlle and the British Parlimunt, if such
there has been, may now be forever wiped frum our Escutchuns.
Baldinsville this night rejoises over the gerlorious event which
sementz 2 grate iiashuns onto one anutlier by means of a
elecktric wire under the roarin billers of the Nasty Deep.
QUOSQUE TANTRUM, A BUTTER, CATERLINY. PATENT NOSTRUM 1 "
Squire Smith's house was lited up regardlis of expense. His
little sun William Henry stood upon the roof firin orf crackers.
The old 'Squire hisself was dressed up in soljer clothes and
stood on his door-step, pintin his sword sollumly to a American
flag which was suspendid on top of a pole in fruiit of his house.
Frequiently he wood take orf his cocked hat & wave it round
in a impressive stile. His oldest darter Mis Isabeller Smith,
who has just cum home from the Perkinsville Female Instertoot,
appeared at the frnnt winder in the West room as the goddis
of liberty, & sung " I see them on their windin way." Boot-
eus I, sed I to myself, you air a angil & nothin shorter. N.
Boneparte Smith, the 'Squire's oldest sun, drest hisself up as
Venus the God of Wars and red the Decleratioii of Inderpend-
unse from the left chambir winder. The 'Squire's wife didn't
jine in the festiverties. She sed it was the tarnulest nonsense
she ever seed. Sez she to the 'Squire, " Cum into the house and
CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. 37
go to bed you old fool, you. Toinorrer you'll be goin round
half-ded with the rumertism & won't gin us a minit's peace till
you get well." Sez the 'Squire, " Betsy, you little appresiate
the importance of the event which I this night commemerate."
Sez she, " Commemerate a cat's tail cum into the house this
instant, you pesky old critter." " Betsy," sez the 'Squire,
wavin his sword, " retire." This made her just as mad as she
could stick. She retired, but cum out agin putty quick with
a panfull of Bilin hot water which she throwed all over the
Squire, & Surs, you wood have split your sides larfin to see
the old man jump up and holler & run into the house. Ex-
cept this unpropishus circumstance all went as merry as a
carriage bell, as Lord Byrun sez. Doctor Hutchinsis offiss was
likewise lited up and a Transpirancy on which was painted the
Queen in the act of drinkin sum of " Hutchinsis invigorater,"
was stuck into one of the winders. The Baldinsville Bugle of
Liberty noospaper offiss was also illumernated, & the follerin
mottoes stuck out " The Press is the Arkermejian leaver
which moves the world." " Yote Early." " Buckle on your
Armer." "Now is the time to Subscribe." "Franklin,
Morse & Field." "Terms $1,50 a year liberal reducshuns
to clubs." In short the villige of Baldinsville was in a per-
fect fewroar. I never seed so many peple thar befour in my
born days. He not attemp to describe the seens of that grate
night. Wurds wood fale me ef I shood try to do it. I shall
stop here a few periods and enjoy my "Oatem cum dig the
tates," as our skool master observes, in the buzzuin of my
famerly, & shall then resume the show bisnis, which Ive bin
into twenty-two (22) yeres and six (6) months.
38 AMONG THE SPIRITS.
AMONG THE SPIRITS.
MY naburs is mourn harf crazy on the new-fangled idear
about Sperrets. Sperretooul Sircles is held nitely & 4 or 5
long hared fellers has settled here and gone into the Sperret
biznis excloosively. A atemt was made to git Mrs. A. Ward
to embark into the Sperret biznis but the atemt faled. 1 of
the long hared fellers told her she was a ethereal creeter &
wood make a. sweet mejium, whareupon she attact him with a
mop handle & drove him out of the house. I will hear ob-
sarve that Mrs. Ward is a invalerble womun the partner of
my goys & the shairer of my sorrers. In my absunse she
watchis my interests & things with a Eagle Eye & when I re-
turn she welcums me in afectionate stile. Trooly it is with us
as it was with Mr. & Mrs. INGOMER in the Play, to whit,
2 soles with but a single thawt
2 harts which beet as 1.
My naburs injooced me to attend a Sperretooul Sircle at
Squire Smith's. When I arrove I found the east room chock
full includin all the old maids in the villige & the long hared
fellers a4sed. When I went in I was salootid with "hear
cums the benited man " (t hear cums the hory-heded unbe-
leever " " hear cums the skoffer at trooth," etsettery, et-
settery.
Sez I, "my frens, it's troo I'm hear, <fe now bring on "your
Sperrets."
1 of the long hared fellers riz up and sed he would state a
few remarks. He sed man was a critter of intelleck & was
movin on to a Gole. Sum men had bigger intellecks than
other men had and thay wood git to the Gole the soonerest.
Sum men was beests & wood never git into the Gole at all.
He sed the Erth was materiel but man was immaterial, and
hens man was different from the Erth. The Erth, continnered
AMONG THE SPIRITS. 39
the speaker, resolves round on its own axeltree oncfc in 24
hours, but as man haint gut no axeltree he cant resolve. He
sed the ethereal essunce of the koordinate branchis of super-
human natur becum mettymorfussed as man progrest in har-
monial coexistunce & eventooally anty humanized theirselves
& turned into reglar sperretuellers. [This was versifferusly
applauded by the cumpany, and as I make it a pint to get
along as pleasant as possible, I sung out " bully for you, old
boy."]
The cumpany then drew round the table and the Sircle
kommenst to go it. Thay axed me if thare was an body in
the Sperret land which I wood like to convarse with. I sed if
Bill Tompkins, who was onct my partner in the show biznis,
was sober, I should like to convarse with him a few periods.
" Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present ? " sed 1 of
the long hared chaps, and there was three kmox on the table.
Sez I, " William, how goze it, Old Sweetness ? "
" Pretty ruff, old hoss," he replide.
That was a pleasant way we had of addressin each other
when he was in the flesh.
" Air you in the show bizniz, William," sed I.
He sed he was. He sed he & John Bunyan was travel in
with a side show in connection with Shakspere, Jonson & Co.'s
Circus. Pie sed old Bun (meanin Mr. Bunyan,) stired up the
animils & ground the organ while he tended door. Occashun-
ally 3Ir. Bunyan sung a comic song. The Circus was doin
middlin well. Bill Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old
Bob Ridley, and Ben Jonson was delitin the peple with his
trooly grate ax of hossmanship without saddul or bridal.
Thay was rehersin Dixey's Land & expected it would knock
the peple.
Sez I, " William, my luvly friend, can you pay me that 13
dollars you owe me ? " He sed no with one of the most tre-
menjis knox I ever experiunsed.
The Sircle sed he had gone. " Air you gone, William ? " I
40 AMONG THE SPIRITS.
axed. '* Rayther," he replide, and I knowd it was no use to
pursoo the subjeck furder.
I then called fur my farther.
" How's things, daddy ? "
" Middlin, my son, middlin."
" Ain't you proud of your orfum boy ? "
" Scacely."
" Why not, my parient ? "
" Becawz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers, my
son. Bimeby you'll lose all your character for trooth and ver-
rasserty. When I helpt you into the show biznis I told you
to dignerfy that there profeshun. Litteratoor is low."
He also statid that he was doin middlin well in the peanut
biznis & liked it putty well, tho' the climit was rather warm.
When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it.
Sez I, " My frends I've bin into the show biznis now goin
on 23 years. Theres a artikil in the Constitooshuii of the
United States which sez in effeck that everybody may think
just as he darn pleazes, & them is my sentiments to a hare.
You dowtlis beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I think it is a
little mixt. Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out & out
Sperret rapper he leeves orf workin, lets his hare grow all over
his fase & commensis spungin his livin out of other peple. He
eats all the dickshunaries he can find & goze round chock full
of big words, scarein the wimmin folks & little children & de-
stroyin the piece of mind of evry famerlee he enters. He
don't do nobody no good & is a cuss to society & a pirit on
honest peple's corn beef barrils. Admittin all you say abowt
the doctrin to be troo, I must say the reglar perfessional
Sperrit rappers them as makes a biznis on it air abowt
the most ornery set of cusses I ever enkountered in my life.
So sayin I put on my surtoot and went home.
Respectably Yures,
ARTEMUS WARD.
ON THE WING. 41
ON THE WING.
Gents of the Editorial Corpse :
SINCE I last rit you I've met with immense success a showin
my show in varis places, particly at Detroit. I put up at Mr.
Russel's tavern, a very good tavern too, but I am sorry to in-
form you that the clerks tried to cum a Gouge Game on me.
I brandished my new sixteen dollar huntin-cased watch round
considerable, & as I was drest in my store clothes & had a lot
of sweet-scented wagon-grease on my hair, I am free to confess
that I thought I lookt putty gay. It never once struck me that
I lookt green. But up steps a clerk & axes me hadn't I better
put my watch in the Safe. " Sir," sez I, " that watch cost six-
teen dollars ! Yes, Sir, every dollar of it ! You can't cum it
over me, my boy ! Not at all, Sir." I know'd what the clerk
wanted. He wanted that watch himself. He wanted to make
believe as tho he lockt it up in the safe, then he would set the
house a fire and pretend as fho the watch was destroyed with
the other property ! But he caught a Tomarter when he got
hold of me. From Detroit I go West'ard hoe. On the cars
was a he-lookin female, with a green-cotton umbreller in one
hand and a handful of Reform tracks the other. She sed every
woman should have a Spear. Them as didn't demand their
Spears, didn't know what was good for them. " What is my
Spear ? " she axed, addressing the people in the cars. " Is it
to stay at home & dam stockins & be the sex-lave of a domin-
eerin man ? Or is it my Spear to vote & speak & show myself
the ekal of man ? Is there a sister in these keers that has her
proper Spear? " Sayin which the eccentric female whirled
her umbreller round several times, & finally jabbed me in the
weskit with it.
" I hav no objecshuns to your goin into the Spear bizness,"
sez I, " but you'll please remember I ain't a pickeril. Don't
Spear me agin, if you please." She sot down.
42 ON THE WING.
At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sudden faintness, I called
for a drop of suthin to drink. As I was stirrin the beverage
up, a pale-faced man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my
shoulder, & sed, u Look not upon the wine when it is red ! "
Sez I, this ain't wine. This is Old Rye."
" It stingetli like a Adder and biteth like a Sarpent ! " sed the
man.
" I guess not," sed I, " when you put sugar into it. That's
the way I allers take mine."
" Have you sons grown up, sir ? " the man axed.
" Wall," I replide, as I put myself outside my beverage, "my
son Artemus junior is goin on 18."
" Ain't you afraid if you set this example b4 him he'll cum
to a bad end ? "
11 He's cum to a waxed end already. He's learnin the shoe
makin bizness," I replide. " I guess we can both 011 us git
along without your assistance, Sir," I obsarved, as he was about
to open his mouth agin.
" This is a cold world ! " sed the man.
" That's so. But you'll get into a warmer one by and by if
you don't mind your own bizness better." I was a little riled
at the feller, because I never take anythin only when I'm on-
well. I arterwards learned he was a temperance lecturer, and
if he can injuce men to stop settin their inards on fire with the
frightful licker which is retailed round the country, I shall
hartily rejoice. Better give men Prusick Assid to onct, than
to pizen 'em to deth by degrees.
At Albion I met with overwhelmin success. The celebrated
Albion Female Semenary is located here, & there air over 300
young ladies in the Institushim, pretty enough to eat without
seasonin or sass. The young ladies was very kind to me, vol-
unteerin to pin my handbills onto the backs of their dresses.
It was a surblime site to see over 300 young ladies goin round
with a advertisement of A. Ward's onparaleld show, conspick-
usly posted onto their dresses.
They've got a Panick up this way and refooze to take Wes-
THE OCTOROON. 43
tern money. It never was worth much and when western men,
who know what it is, refooze to take their own money it is
about time other folks stopt handiin it. Banks are bustin
every day, goin up higher nor any balloon of which we hav any
record. These western bankers air a sweet & luvly set of men.
I Vvish I owned as good a house as some of 'em would break
into !
Virtoo is its own reward.
A. WARD.
THE OCTOROON.
IT is with no ordernary feelins of Shagrin & indignashun that
I rite you these here lines. Sum of the hiest and most purest
feelins whitch actoate the humin hart has bin trampt onto.
The Amerycan flag has bin outrajed. Ive bin nussin a Adder
in my Boozuin. The fax in the kase is these here :
A few weeks ago I left Baldinsville to go to N. Y. fur to git
out my flamin yeller hanbiils fur the Summer kampane, & as I
was peroosin a noospaper on the kars a middel aged man in
spscktorkuls kuin & sot down beside onto me. He was drest
in black close & was appeerently as fine a man as ever was.
" A fine day, Sir," he did unto me strateway say.
" r.Iiddlin," sez I, not \visliin to kornmit myself, tho he
peered to bo as fine a man as there was in the wurld " It is
a middlin fine day, Square," I obsarved.
Sez he, "How fares the Ship of State in yure regine of
country ? "
Sez I, " We don't hav no ships in our State the kanawl
is our bast holt."
Ho pawsed a ininit and then sed, " Air yu aware, Sir, that
the krisis is with us ? "
M THE OCTOROON.
" No," sez I, getting up and lookin tinder the seet, " wliare
is she ? "
" It's hear it's everywhares," he sed.
Sez I, " Why how you tawk ! " and I gut up agin & lookt
all round. t( I must say, my fren," I continnered, as I re-
soomed my seet, " that I kan't see nothin of no krisis myself."
I felt sumwhat alarmed, & arose & in a steiitowrian voice ob-
sarved that if any lady or gentleman in that there kar had a
krisis consealed abowt their persons they'd better projuce it to
onct or suffer the konsequences. Several individoouls snick-
ered rite out, while a putty little damsell rite behind me in a
pine gown made the observashun, " He, he."
" Sit down, my fren," sed the man in black close, " yu mis-
kompreherid me. I meen that the perlittercal ellermunts are
orecast with black klouds, 4bodeii a friteful storm."
" Wall," replide I, " in regard to perlittercal ellerfunts I
don't know as how but what they is as good as enny other kind
of ellerfunts. But I maik bold to say thay is all a ornery set
& unpleasant to hav around. They air powerful hevy eaters
& take up a right smart chans of room, & besides thay air as
ugly and revenjeful as a Cusscaroarus Injun, with 13 inches
of corn whisky in his sturnmick." The man in black close
seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in the world. He
sinilt & sed praps I was rite, tho it was ellermunts instid of
ellerfunts that he was alludin to, .& axed me what was my prin-
serpuls ?
" I haint gut enny," sed I " not a prinserpul. Ime in the
show biznis." The man in black close, I will hear obsarve,
seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in the world.
li But," sez he, " you hav feelins into you ? You cirnpathize
with the misfortunit, the loly & the hart-sick, don't you ? "
He bust into teers and axed me ef I saw that yung lady in the
seet out yender, pintin to as slick a lookin gal as I ever seed.
Sed I, " 2 be shure I see her is she mutch sick ? " The
man in black close was appeerently as fine a man as ever was
in the world ennywhares,
THE OCTOROON. 45
" Draw closter to me," sed the man in black close. < Let
me git my mowth fernenst yure ear. Hush SHESE A Oc-
TOROOX ! "
" No ! " sez I, gittin up in a exsited manner, " yu don't say
so ! How long has she bin in that way ? "
" Frum her arliest infuncy," sed he.
" Wall, whot upon arth duz she doo it fur ? " I inquired.
" She kan't help it," sed the man in black close. " It's the
brand of Kane."
" Wall, she'd better stop drinkin Kane's brandy," I replide.
" I sed the brand of Kane was upon her not brandy, my
fren. Yure very obtoose."
I was konsiderbul riled at this. Sez I, tl My gentle Sir, Ime
a nonresistanter as a ginral thing, & don't want to git up no
rows with nobuddy,' but I kin nevertheles kave in enny man's
hed that calls me a obtoos," with whitch remarks I kominenst
fur to pull orf my extry garmints. " Cum on," sez I " Time !
hear's the Beniki Boy fur ye ! " & I darnced round like a pop-
pit. He riz up in his seet & axed my pardin sed it was all
a mistake that I was a good man, etsettery, & sow 4th, & we
fixt it all up pleasant. I must say the man in black close
seamed to be as fine a man as ever lived in the wurld. He
sed a Octoroon was the 8th of a negrow. He likewise statid
that the female he was travlin with was formurly a slave in
Mississippy ; that she'd purchist her freedim & now wantid to
purchiss the freedim of her poor old muther, who (the man in
black close obsarved) was between 87 years of age & had to do
all the cookin & washin for 25 hired men, whitch it was rap-
idly breakin down her konstitushun. He sed he knowed the
minit he gazed onto my klassic & beneverlunt fase that I'd
donate librully & axed me to go over see her, which I accor-
dinly did. I sot down beside her and sed " yure Sarvant,
Marm ! How do yer git along ? "
She bust in 2 teers & said, " O Sur, I'm so retchid I'm a
poor unfortunit Octoroon."
" So I larn. Yure rather more Roon than Octo, I take it,"
46 THE OCTOROON.
sed I, fur I never seed a puttier gal in the hull endoorin time
of my life. She had on a More Antic Barsk & a Poplin
Nubier with Berage trimmins onto it, while her Ise & kurls
was enuff to make a man jump into a mill pond without bicldin
his relashuns good-by. I pittid the Octoroon from the inmost
recusses of my hart & hawled out 50 dollars ker slap, & told her
to buy her old muther as soon as posserbul. Sez she " kine sir
mutch thanks." She then lade her hed over onto my showlder
& sed I was " old rats." I was astonished to heer this obsar-
vation, which I knowd was never used in refined society & I
perlitely but emfattercly shovd her hed away.
Sez I " Marm, I'm trooly sirprized."
Sez she, " git out. Yure the nicist old man Ive seen yit.
Give us aiiuther 50 ! " Had a seleck assortment of the most
tremenjious thunderbolts descended down onto me I couldn't
hav bin more takin aback. I jumpt up, but she ceased my coat
tales & in a wild voise cride, t( No, He never desart you let
us fli together to a f urrin shoor ! "
Sez I, " not mutch we wont," and I made a powerful effort to
get awa from her. " This is plade out," I sed, whereupon she
jerkt me back into the seet. " Leggo my coat, you scandaluss
female," I roared, when she set up the most unarthly yellin
and hollerin you ever heerd. The passinjers & the gentlemunly
konducter rusht to the spot, & I don't think I ever experiunsed
sich a rumpus in the hull coarse of my natral dase. The man
in black close rusht up to me & sed " How dair yu insult my
neece, you horey heded vugabone. You base exhibbiter of low
wax figgers yu woolf in sheep's close," & sow 4th.
I was konfoozed. I was a loonytick fur the time bein, and
offered $5 reward to enny gentleman of good inorrul carracter
who wood tell me whot my name was & what town I livd into.
The konductor kum to me & sed the insultid parties wood settle
for 50, which I immejitly hawled out, &, agane implored sum-
buddy to state whare I was piiiisipully, & if I shood be thare
a grate while myself ef things went on as they'd bin goin fur
sum time back. I then axed if there was enny more Octoroons
OBERLIN. 47
present, " becawz," sez I " ef there is, let urn cum along, fur
Ime in the Octoroon bizniss." I then threw my specterculs out
of the winder, smasht my hat wildly down over my Ise, larfed
highsterically & fell under a seet. I lay there sum time & fall
asleep. I dreamt Mrs. Ward & the twins had bin carrid orf by
Ryenosserhosses & that Baldinsville had bin captered by a army
of Octoroons. When I awoked the lamps was a burnin dimly.
Sum of the passinjers was a snorein like pawpusses & the little
damsell in the pine gown was a singin " Oft in the Silly nite."
The onprinsipuld Octoroon & the miserbul man in black close
was gone, & all of a suddent it flasht ore my brane that I'de
bin swindild.
OBERLIN.
ABOUT two years ago I arrove in Oberlin, Ohio. Oberlin is
whare the celebrated college is. In fack, Oberlin is the college,
everything else in that air vicinity resolvin around excloosivly
for the benefit of that institution. It is a very good college,
too, <fe a grate many wurthy yung men go there annooally to git
intelleck into 'em. But its my onbiassed 'pinion that they go
it rather too strong on Ethiopians at Oberlin. But that's nun
of my bizness. I'm into the Show bizniss. Yit as a faithful
historan I must menshun the fack that on rainy dase white pe-
ple can't find their way threw the streets without the gas is lit,
there bein such a numerosity of cullerd pussons in the town.
As I was sayin, I arroved at Oberlin, and called on Perfes-
ser Peck for the purpuss of skewerin Kolonial Hall to exhibit
my wax works and beests of Pray into. Kolonial Hall is in
the college and is used by the stujents to speak peaces and read
essays into.
Sez Perfesser Peck, " Mister Ward, I don't know 'bout this
bizniss. What are your sentiments ? "
48 OBEELIN.
Sez I, " I hain't got any."
(( Good God ! " cried the Perfesser, " did I understan you to
say you hav no sentiments ? "
<c Nary a sentiment ! " sez I.
" Mister Ward, don't your blud bile at the thawt that three
million and a half of your culled brethren air a clankin their
chains in the South ? "
Sez I, " not a bile ! Let 'em clank ! "
He was about to continner his flowry speech when I put a
stopper on him. Sez I, ll Perfesser Peck, A. Ward is my name
& Ameriky is my nushun ; I'm allers the same, tho' humble is
my station, and I've bin in the show bizniss goin on 22 years.
The pint is, can I hav your Hall by payin a fair price ? You
air full of sentiments. That's your lay, while I'm a exhibiter
of startlin curiosities. What d'ye say ? "
" Mister Ward, you air endowed with a hily practical mind,
and while I deeply regret that you air devoid of sentiments,
I'll let you hav the hall provided your exhibition is of a moral
& elevatin nater."
Sez I, " Taiii't nothin shorter."
So I opened in Kolonial Hall, which was crowded every nite
with stujents, &c. Perfesser Finny gazed for hours at my Kan-
garoo, but when that sagashus but onprincipled little cuss set
up one of his onarthly yellins and I proceeded to hosswhip
him, the Perfesser objected. " Suffer not your angry pashuns
to rise up at the poor anniniil's little excentrissities," said the
Perfesser.
" Do you call such conduck as those a little excentrissity ? "
I axed.
" I do," sed he ; sayin which he walked up to the cage and
sez he, " let's try moral swashun upon the poor creeter." So
he put his hand upon the Kangeroo's lied and sed, " poor little
feller poor little feller your master is very crooil, isn't he,
my untootered frend," when the Kangaroo, with a terrific yell,
grabd the Perfesser by the hand and cum very near chawiii it
orf. It was amooziii to see the Perfesser jump up and scream
THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 49
with pane. Sez I, " that's one of the poor little feller's excen-
trissities ! "
Sez he, " Mister Ward, that's a dangerous quadruped. He's
totally depraved. I will retire and do my lasserated hand up
in a rag, and meanwhile I request you to meat out summery
and severe punishment to the vishus beest." I hosswhipt the
little cuss for upwards 15 minutes. Guess I licked sum of his
excentrissity out of him.
Oberlin is a grate plase. The College opens with a prayer
and then the New York Tribune is read. A kolleckshun is
then taken up to buy overkoats with red horn buttons onto
them for the indignant cul lured people of Kanady. I have to
contribit librally two the glowrius work, as they kawl it hear.
I'm kompelled by the Fackulty to reserve front seets in my
show for the cullered peple. At the Boardin House the cul-
lered peple sit at the first table. What they leeve is maid into
hash for the white peple. As I don't like the idee of eatin my
vittles with Ethiopians, I sit at the seckind table, and the kon-
sequence is I've devowered so much hash that my inards is in
a hily mixt up condishun. Fish bones hav maid their appear-
ance all over my bodcly and pertater peelins air a springin up
through my hair. Howsever I don't mind it. I'm gittin along
well in a pecunery pint of view. The College has konfired upon
me the honery title of T. K., of which I'm suffishuntly prowd.
THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP.
THARE was many affectin ties which made me hanker arter
Betsy Jane. Her father's farm jined our'n ; their cows and
our'n squencht their thurst at the same spring ; our old mares
both had stars in their forreds ; the measles broke out in both
famerlies at nearly the same period ; our parients (Betsy's and
3
50 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP.
mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in the same meetin house,
and the nabers used to obsarve, " How thick the Wards and
Peasleys air ! " It was a surblime site, in the Spring of the
year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with their
gowns pin'd up so thay couldn't sile 'em, affecshunitly Bilin
sope together & aboozin the nabers.
Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objeck of my affecshuns,
I darsunt tell her of the fires which was raj in in my manly
Buzzum. I'd try to do it but my tung would kerwollup up
agin the roof of my mowth & stick thar, like deth to a deseast
Afrikan or a country postmaster to his offiss, while my hart
whanged agin my ribs like a old fashioned wheat Male agin a
barn floor.
'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was Imsht and
nary a zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy
Jane on the fense of her farther's pastur. We'd bin rompin
threw the woods, kullin flours & drivin the woodchuck from
his Nativ Lair (so to speak) with long sticks. Wall, we sot
thar on the fense, a swingin our feet two and fro, blushin as
red as the Baldinsville skool house when it was fust painted, and
lookin very simple, I make no doubt. My left arm was ocke-
pied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my rite was
woundid luvinly round her waste.
I cleared my throat and tremblinly sed, " Betsy, you're a
Gazelle."
I thought that air was putty fine. I waitid to see what
eflfeck it would hav upon her. It evidently didn't fetch her,
for she up and sed,
"You're a sheep!"
Sez I, " Betsy, I think very muchly of you."
" I don't b'leeve a word you say so there now cum !"
with which obsarvashun she hitched away from me.
" I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, u so that you
could see some of my feelins. There's fire enuff in here," sed
I, strikin my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef
THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 51
and turnips in the naberhood. Versoovius and the Critter ain't
a circumstans ! "
She bowd her hed down and commenst chawin the strings
to her sun bonnet.
" Ar could you know the sleeplis nites I worry threw with
on your account, how vittles has seized to be attractiv to me
& how my lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me.
Gase on this wastin form and these 'ere sunken cheeks "
I should have continnered on in this strane probly for sum
time, but uiifortnitly I lost my ballunse and fell over into the
pastur ker smash, tearin my close and seveerly damagin myself
generally.
Betsy Jane sprung to my assistance in dubble quick time
and dragged me 4th. Then drawin herself up to her full hite
she sed :
" I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite
strate out what you're drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched,
I'M ix ! "
I considered that air enuff for all practicul purpusses, and
we proceeded immejitely to the parson's, <fe was made 1 that
very nite.
(Notiss to the Printer : Put some stars here.)
********
I've parst threw many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy
Jane has bin troo as steel. By attendin strickly to bizniss
Iv'e amarsed a handsum Pittance. No man on this foot-stool
can rise & git up & say I ever knowinly injered no man or
wimmin folks, while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few
and exceld by none, embracin as it does a wonderful colleck-
shun of livin wild Bee.sts of Pray, snaix in grate profushun, a
endliss variety of life-size wax figgirs, & the only trailed kan-
garoo in Ameriky the most amoozin little cuss ever intro-
juced to a discriminatin public.
52 THE CRISIS.
THE CRISIS.
[This Oration was delivered before the commencement of the war.]
Ox returnin to my humsted in Baldinsville, Injianny, re-
suntly, my feller sitterzens extended a invite for me to norate
to 'em on the Krysis. I excepted & on larst Toosday nite I
peared be4 a C of upturned faces in the Red Skool House. I
spoke nearly as follers :
Baldinsvillins : Hearto4, as I hav numerously obsarved, I
have abstrained from having any sentimunts or principles, my
pollertics, like my religion, bein of a exceedin accommodatiii
character. But the fack can't be no longer disgised that a
Krysis is onto us, & I feel it's my dooty to accept your in-
vite for one consecutive nite only. I spose the inflammertory
individooals who assisted in projucing this Krysis know what
good she will do, but I ain't 'shamed to state that I don't,
scacely. But the Krysis is hear. She's bin hear for sevral
weeks, & Goodness nose how long she'll stay. But I venter
to assert that she's rippiii things. She's knockt trade into a
cockt up hat and chaned Bizness of all kinds tighter nor I ever
chaned any of my livin wild Beests. Alow me to hear dy-
gress & stait that my Beests at presnt is as harmless as the new-
born Babe. I^adys & gentlemen needn't hav no fears on that
pint. To resoom Altho I can't exactly see what good this Kry-
sis can do, I can very quick say what the origernal cawz of her
is. The origernal cawz is Our Afrikaii Brother. I was into BAK-
NIM'S Moozeum down to New York the other day & saw that
exseutric Etheopian, the What Is It. Sez I, " Mister What Is
It, you folks air raisin thunder with this grate country.
You're gettin to be ruther more numeris than interestin. It
is a pity you coodent go orf sumwhares by yourselves, &""be a
nation of What Is Its, tho' if you'll excoose me, I shoodeii't
care about ruarrym among you. No dowt you're exceedin
charmin to hum, but your stile of luvliness isn't adapted to
" SHALL THE STAR SpANGLEr BANNER BE CUT UP INTO DISH
LOTUS?" [See Page 52.]
THE CRISIS. 53
this cold climit. He larfecl into my face, v/hich rather Riled
me, as I had been perfeckly virtoous and respectable in my ob-
servashuns. So sez I, turn in a leetle red in the face, I spect,
"Do you hav the unblushin impoodents to say you folks
haven't raised a big mess of thunder in this brite land, Mister
Y bat Is It ? " He larfed agin, wusser nor be4, whareupon I
up and sez, " Go home, Sir, "to Afriky's burnin shores & taik
all the other What Is Its along with you. Don't think we can
spair your interestin picters. You What Is Its air on the pint
of smashin up the gratest Guv'ment ever erected by man, &
you actooally hav the owdassity to larf about it. Go home,
you low cuss ! "
I was workt up to a high pitch, <fe I proceeded to a Restora-
tor & cooled orf with some little fishes biled in ile I b'leeve
thay call 'em sardeens.
Feller Sitterzuns, the Afrikan may be Our Brother. Sev-
ral hily respectyble gentlemen, and sum talentid females tell us
so, & fur argyment's sake I mite be injooced to grant it, tho' I
don't beleeve it myself. But the Afrikan isn't our sister &
our wife & our uncle. He isn't sevral of our brothers & all
our fust wife's relashuns. He isn't our grandfather, and our
grate grandfather, and our Aunt in the country. Scacely. &
yit numeris persons would have us think so. It's troo he runs
Congress & sevral other public grosserys, but then he ain't
everybody & everybody else likewise. [Nbtiss to bizness men
of VANITY FAIR : Extry charg fur this larst remark. It's a
goak. A. W.]
But we've got the Afrikan, or rather he's got us, & now
what air we going to do about it? He's a orful noosanse.
Praps he isn't to blame fur it. Praps he was creatid fur sum
wise purpuss, like the measles and New Englan Rum, but
it's mity hard to see it. At any rate he's no good here, & as I
statid to Mister What Is It, it's a pity he cooden't go orf sum-
whares quietly by hisself, whare he cood wear red weskits &
speckled neckties, & gratterfy his ambishun in varis interestin
wase, without havin a eternal fuss kickt up about him.
54: THE CRISIS.
Praps I'm bearin down too hard upon Cuffy. ' Cum to think
on it, I am. Pie woodn't be sich a infernal noosanse if white
peple would let him alone. He mite indeed be interestin.
And now I think of it, why can't the white peple let him
alone. What's the good of continnerly stirrin him up with a
ten-foot pole? He isn't the sweetest kind of Perfoomery
when in a natral stait.
Feller Sitterzens, the Union's in danger. The black devil
Disunion is trooly here, starein us all squarely in the face !
We must drive him back. Shall we make a 2nd Mexico of
ourselves ? Shall we sell our birthrite for a mess of potash ?
Shall one brother put the knife to the throat of anuther
brother ? Shall we mix our whisky with each other's blud ?
Shall the star spangled Banner be cut up into dishcloths ?
Standin here in this here Skoolhouse, upon my nativ shore so
to speak, I anser Nary !
Oh you fellers who air raisin this row, & who in the fust
place startid it, I'm 'shamed of you. The Showman blushes
for you, from his boots to the topmost hair upon his wenerable
hed.
Teller Sitterzens : I am in the Sheer & Yeller leaf. I shall
peg out 1 of these dase. But while I xlo stop here I shall stay
in the Union. I know not what the supervizers of Baldins-
ville may conclude to do, but for one, I shall stand by the
Stars & Stripes. Under no circumstances whatsomever will
I sesesh. Let every Stait in the Union sesesh & let Palmetter
flags flote thicker nor shirts on Square Baxter's close line, still
will I stick to the good old flag. The country may go to the
devil, but I won't ! And next Summer when I start out on
my campane with my Show, wharever I pitch my little tent,
you shall see floatiii prowdly from the center pole thereof the
Amerikan Flag, with nary a star wiped out, nary a stripe less,
but the same old flag that has allers flotid thai* ! & the price of
admishun will be the same it allers was 15 cents, children
half price.
Feller Sitterzens, I am dun. Accordinly I squatted.
WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE. 55
WAX FIGURES YS. SHAKSPEAEE.
ONTO THE WING 1859.
MR. EDITOR:
I TAKE my Pen in hand to inform yu that I'm in good helth
and trust these few lines will find yu injoyin the same blessins.
I wood also state that I'm now on the summir kampane. As
the Poit sez
ime erflote, ime erflote
On the Swift rollin tied
An the Rovir is free.
Bizness is scacely middlin, but Sirs I manige to pay for my
foode and raiment puncktooally and without no grumblin. The
barked arrers of slandur has bin leviled at theTindersined moren
onct sins heze bin into the show bizness, but I make bold to say
no man on this footstule kan troothfully say I ever ronged him
or eny of his folks. I'm travelin with a tent, which is better
nor hirin hauls. My show konsists of a serious of wax works,
snakes, a paneramy kalled a Grand Movin Diarea of the "War
in the Cryinear, komic songs and the Cangeroo, which larst
little cuss continners to konduct hisself in the most outrajus
stile. I started out with the idear of makin my show a grate
Moral Entertainment, but I'm kompeled to sware so much at
that air infumal Kangeroo that I'm frade this desine will be
flustratid to some extent. And while speakin of morrality,
remines me that sum folks turn up their nosis at shows like
mine, sayiii they is low and not fit to be patrernized by peple
of high degree. Sirs, I manetane that this is infernul non-
sense. I manetane that wax figgers is more elevatin than awl
the plays ever wroten. Take Shakespeer for instunse. Peple
think heze grate things, but I kontend heze quite the reverse
to the kontrary. What sort of sense is thare to King Leer,
who goze round cussin his darters, chawin hay and throin straw
at folks, and larfin like a silly old koot and makin a ass of his-
56 WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE.
self ginerally ? Thare's Mrs. Mackbeth slieze a iiise kind of
woornon to have round ain't she, a puttiii old Mack, her hus-
band, up to slayin Dunkan \rith a cheeze knife, while heze
payin a frendly visit to their house. O its hily morral, I
spoze, when she larfs wildly and sez, " gin me the daggiirs
lie let his bowels out," or wurds to that effeck 1 say, this is
awl strickly propper I spoze ? That Jack Fawlstarf is like-
wise a immoral old cuss, take him how ye may, and Hamlick is
as crazy as a loon. Thare's Bichurd the Three peple think
heze grate things, but I look upon him in the lite of a moiik-
ster. He kills everybody he takes a noshun to in kold blud,
and then goze to sleep in his tent. Bimeby he wakes up and
yells for a hoss so he kan go orf and kill sum more peple. If
he isent a fit spesserman for the gallers then I shood like to
know whare you find um. Thare's largo who is more ornery
nor pizun. See how shamful he treated that hily respecterble
injun gentlemun, Mister Otheller, makin him for to beleeve his
wife was too thick with Casheo. Obsarve how largo got
Casheo drunk as a biled owl on corn whiskey in order to karry
out his sneekin desines. See how he wurks Mister Otheller's
feelins up so that he goze and makes poor Desdemony swallcr
a piller which cawses her deth. But I must stop. At sum
futur time I shall continner my remarks on the dramer in
which I shall show the varst supeeriority of wax figgers and
snakes over theater plays, in a interlectooal pint of view.
Very Respectively yures,
A. WARD, T. K.
AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. 57
AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.*
SOME years ago I pitched my tent and onfurled nay banner
to the breeze, in Berlin Hites, Ohio. I had hearn that Berlin
Hites was ockepied by a extensive seek called Free Lovers,
who beleeved in affinertys and sich, goin back on their domes-
tic ties without 110 hesitation whatsomever. They was like-
wise spirit rappers and high presher reformers on gineral prin-
ciples. If I can improve these 'ere misgided peple by showin
them my onparalleld show at the usual low price of admitaiits,
methunk, I shall not hav lived in. vane. But bitterly did I
cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid place. I sot up my
tent in a field near the Love Cure, as they called it, and bimeby
the free lovers begun for to congregate around the door. A
ornreer set I have never sawn. The men's faces was all cov-
ered with hare and they lookt half-starved to deth. They
didn't wear no weskuts for the purpose (as they sed) of allowin
the free air of hevun to blow onto their boozums. Their pock-
ets was filled with tracks and pamplits and they was bare-footed.
They sed the Postles didn't wear boots, & why should they ?
That was their stile of argyment. The wimin was wuss than
the men. They wore trowsis, short gownds, straw hats with
green ribbins, and all carried bloo cotton umbrellers.
Presently a perfeckly orful lookin female presented herself
at the door. Her gownd was skanderlusly short and her trow-
sis was shameful to behold.
She eyed me over very sharp, and then startin back she sed,
in a wild voice :
"Ah, can it be?"
" Which ? " sed I.
* Some queer people, calling themselves "Free Lovers," and possessing very original
ideas about life and morality, established themselves at Berlin Heights, in Ohio, a few-
years since. Public opinion was resistlessly against them, however, and the association
was soon disbanded.
3*
58 A310NG THE FREE LOVERS.
" Yes, 'tis troo, O 'tis troo ! "
" 15 cents, inarm," I anscrd.
She bust out a cryin & sed :
" And so I hav found you at larst at larst, O at larst ! "
" Yes," I anserd, " you hav found me at larst, and you would
hav found me at fust, if you had cum sooner."
She grabd me vilently by the coat collar, and brand ishin her
umbreller wildly round, exclaimed :
" Air you a man ? "
Sez I, l{ I think I air, but if you doubt it, you can address
Mrs. A. Ward, Baldinsville, Injianny, postage pade, & she will
probly giv you the desired informashun."
" Then thou ist what the cold world calls marrid ? "
" Madam, I istest ! "
The exsentric female then clutched me fianticly by the
arm and hollered :
" You air mine, O you air mine ! "
" Scacely," I sed, endeverin to git loose from her. But she
clung to me and sed :
" You air my Affinerty ! "
" What upon arth is that ? " T shouted.
" Dost thou not know ? "
No, I dostent ! "
fl Listin man, & I'll tell ye ! " sed the strange female ; " for
years I hav yearned for thee. I knowd thou wast in the
world, sumwhares, tho I didn't know whare. My hart sed he
would cum and I took courage. He has cum he's here
you air him you air my Affinerty ! O 'tis too mutch ! too
mutch ! " and she sobbed agin.
" Yes," I anserd, " I think it is a darn site too mutch ! "
"Hast thou not yearned for me?" she yelled, ringin her
hands like a female play acter.
" Not a yearn ! " I bellerd at the top of my voice, thro win
her away from me.
The free lovers who was standin round obsarvin the scene
A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 59
commenst for to holler " shame ! " <c beast," etsettery, etset-
tery.
I was very mutch riled, and fortifyin myself with a spare
tent stake, I addrest them as f oilers : " You pussylanermus
critters, go way from me and take this retchid woman with
you. I'm a law-abidin man, and beleeve in good, old-fashioned
institutions. I am marrid & my orfsprings resemble me if I
am I showman ! I think your Affinity bizniss is cussed non-
cents, besides bein outrajusly wicked. Why don't you behave
desunt like other folks ? Go to work and earn a honist livin
ftnd not stay round here in this lazy, shiftless way, pizenin the
moral atmosphere with your pestifrous idees! You wimin
folks go back to your lawful husbands if you've got any, and
take orf them skanderlous gownds and trowsis, and dress re-
spectful like other wimin. You men folks, cut orf them pirat-
tercal whiskers, burn up them infiirnel pamplits, put sum wes-
kuts on, go to work choppin wood, splittin fence rales, or tillin
the sile. I pored 4th my indignashun in this way till I got out
of breth, when I stopt. I shant go to Berlin Hites agin, not
if I live to be as old as Methooseler.
A VISIT TO BBIGHAM YOUNG.
IT is now goin on 2 (too) yeres, as I very well remember,
since I crossed the Planes for Kaliforny, the Brite land of
Jold. While crossin the Planes all so bold I fell in with sum
noble red men of the forest (X. B. This is rote Sarcas-
ticul. In] ins is Pizin, whar ever found,) which thay Sed I
was their Brother, & wanted for to smoke the Calomel of Peace
with me. Thay then stole my jerkt beef, blankits, etsettery,
skalpt my orgin grinder & scooted with a Wild Hoop. Durin
the Cheaf s techin speech he sed he shood meet me in the
60 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG.
Happy Huntin Grounds. If he duz thare will be a fite. But'
enuff of this ere. Heven Noose Muttons, as our skoolmaster,
who has got Talent into him, ciissycally obsarve.
I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time. At Camp Scott there
was a lot of U. S. sogers, hosstensibly sent out thare to smash
the mormons but really to eat Salt vittles & play poker & other
beautiful but sumwhat onsartin games. I got acquainted with
sum of the officers. Thay lookt putty scrumpshus in their
Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um & ware very talented
drinkers, but so fur as fitin is consarned I'd willingly put my
wax figgers agin the hull party.
My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake City,
so I called on Brigham Yung, the grate mogull amung the
mormins, and axed his permishun to pitch my tent and onfurl
my banner to the jentle breezis. He lookt at me in a austeer
manner for a few minits, and sed :
" Do you bleeve in Solomon, Saint Paul, the immaculate-
ness of the Mormin Church and the Latter-day Hevela-
shuns ? "
Sez I, " I'm on it ! " I make it a pint to git along plesunt,
tho I didn't know what under the Son the old feller was drivin
at. He sed I mite show.
" You air a marrid man, Mister Yung, I bleeve ? " sez I,
preparin to rite him sum free parsis.
" I hev eighty wives, Mister Ward. I sertinly am marrid."
" How do you like it as far as you hev got ? " sed I.
He sed " middlin," and axed me wouldn't I like to see his
famerly, to which I replide that I wouldn't mind minglin with
the fair Seek & Barskin in the winnin smiles of his interestin
wives. He accordingly tuk me to his Scareum. The house is
powerful big & in a exceedin large room was his wives &
children, which larst was squawkin and hollerin enuff to take
the roof rite orf the house. The wimin was of all sizes and
ages. Sum was pretty & sum was Plane sum was helthy
and sum was on the Wayne which is verses, tho sich was
not my intentions, as I don't 'prove of puttin verses in Froze
A VISIT TO BEIGHAM YOUNG. 61
rittins, tho ef occashun requires I can Jerk a Poim ekal to any
of them Atlantic Munthly fellers.
" My wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung.
" Your sarvant, manns," sed I, as I sot down in a cheer which
a red-heeled female brawt me.
"Besides these wives you see here, Mister Ward," sed
Yung, tl I hav eighty more in varis parts of this consecrated
land which air Sealed to me."
" Which ? " sez I, gittin up & starin at him.
Sealed, Sir ! sealed."
" Whare bowts ? " sez I.
" I sed, Sir, that they was sealed ! " He spoke in a traggerdy
voice.
" Will they probly continner on in that stile to any grate
extent, Sir ? " I axed.
(( Sir," sed he, turnin as red as a biled beet, " don't you
know that the rules of our Church is that I, the Profit, may
hev as meny wives as I wants ? "
" Jes so," I sed. " You are old pie, ain't you ? "
(t Them as is Sealed to me that is to say, to be mine when
I wants um air at present my sperretooul wives," sed Mis-
ter Yung.
(( Long may thay wave ! " sez I, seein I shood git into a
scrape ef I didn't look out.
In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt the follerin
fax : It takes him six weeks to kiss his wives. He don't do
it only onct a yere & sez it is wuss nor cleanin house. He
don't pretend to know his children, thare is so many of um,
tho they all know him. He sez about every child he meats
call him Par, & he takes it for grantid it is so. His wives air
very expensiv. Thay allers want suthin & ef he don't buy it
for um thay set the house in a uproar. He sez he don't have
a minit's peace. His wives fite amung theirselves so much
that he has bilt a fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when
too of 'em get into a row he has em turnd loose into that
place, whare the dispoot is settled accordin to the rules of the
62 .4 VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG.
London prize ring. Sumtimes thay abooz liisself individ-
ooally. Thay hev pulled the most of his hair out at the roots
& he wares meny a horrible scar upon his body, inflicted with
mop-handles, broom-sticks, and sich. Occashunly they git mad
& scald him with bilin hot water. When lie got eny waze
cranky thay'd shut him up in a dark closit, previsly whippin
him arter the stile of inutliers when thare orfsprings git onruly.
Sumtimes when he went in swimmin thay'd go to the banks of
the Lake & steal all his close, thereby compellin him to sneek
home by a sircootius rowt, drest in the Skanderlus stile of the
Greek Slaiv. " I find that the keers of a man-id life way hevy
onto me," sed the Profit, " & sumtimes I wish I'd remaned
singel." I left the Profit and startid for the tavern whare I
put up to. On my way I was overtuk by a lurge krowd of
Mormons, which they surroundid me & statid that they were
goin into the Show free.
" Wall," sez I, " ef I find a individooal who is goin round
let tin folks into his show free, I'll let you know."
"We've had a Revelashun. biddin us go into A. Ward's
Show without payin nothin ! " thay showtid.
u Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, ceasin me by
the cote tales & swingin me round very rapid, " we're all goin
in free ! So sez the E-evelashun ! "
" What's Old Revelashun got to do with my show ? " sez I,
gittin putty rily. "Tell Mister Revelashun," sed I, drawin
myself up to my full hite and lookin round upon the ornery
krowd with a prowd & defiant mean, " tell Mister Revelashun
to mind his own bizness, subject only to the Konstitushun of
the United States ! "
" Oh now let us in, that's a sweet man," sed several femails,
puttin thare arms round me in luvin style. " Become 1 of us.
Becum a Preest & hav wives Sealed to you."
" Not a Seal ! " sez I, startin back in horror at the idee.
" Oh stay, Sir, stay," sed a tall, gawnt femaile, ore whoos
hed 37 summirs must hev parsd, " stay, & I'll be your Jentle
Gazelle."
" On STAY. SlR, STAY I" SKD A TALL GAWNT FEMAIL. [See
Page 62.J
THE PRESS. 63
" Not ef I know it, you won't," sez I. " Awa you skander-
lus femaile, awa ! Go & and be a Nunnery ! " TliaCs wliat 2
sed, JES so.
" & I" sed a fat chunky femaile, who must hev wade more
than too hundred Ibs., " I will be your sweet gidin Star ! "
Sez I," " He -bet two dollers and a half you won't ! " Whare
ear I may Rome He still be troo 2 thee, Oh Betsy Jane ! [N.
B Betsy Jane is my wife's Sir nairne.]
; ' Wiltist thou not tarry here in the promist Land?" sed
several of the miserabil critters.
" He see you all essenshally cussed be 4 I wiltist ! " roared
I, as mad as I cood be at thare infernul noncents. I girdid up
my Lions & fled the Seen. I packt up my duds & Leffc Salt
Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum & Gerinorrer, inhabitid by as
theavin & onprincipled a set of retchis as ever drew Breth in
eny spot on the Globe.
THE PKESS.
I WANT the editers to cum to my Show free as the flours of
May, but I don't want um to ride a free hoss to deth. Thare
is times when Patience seizes to be virtoous. I hev " in my
mind's eye, Hurrashio " (cotashun from Hamlick) sum editers
in a sertin town which shall be nameless, who air Both sneakin
and ornery. They cum in krowds to my Show and then axt
me ten sents a lines for Puffs. I objectid to payin, but they sed
ef I didn't down with the dust thay'd wipe my Show from the
face of the earth ! Thay sed the Press was the Arkymediau
Leaver which moved the wurld. I put up to their extorshuns
until thay'd bled me so I was a meer shadder, and left in dis-
gust.
It was in a surtin town in Virginny, the Muther of Presi-
dents & things, that I was shaimfully aboozed by a editor in
64: EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO.
human form. He set my Show up steep & kalled me the ur
bane & gentlemunly manajer, but when I, fur the purpuss oi
showin fair play all around, went to anuther offiss to git mj
handbills printed, what duz this pussillanermus editer do bin
change his toon & abooze me like a Injun. He sed my was
wurks was a humbug & called me a horey-heded itinerem
vagabone. I thort at fust Ide pollish him orf ar-lar the Be
neshy Boy, but on reflectin that he cood pollibh me much wuss
in his paper, I giv it up. & I wood here take oecashun tc
advise peple when thay run agin, as thay sumtimes will, these
miserable papers, to not pay no attenshun to um. Abuv all
don't assault a editer of this kind. It only gives him a noto-
rosity, which is jest what he wants, & don't do you no more
good than it wood to jump into enny other mud puddle. Edi
ters are generally fine men, but there must be black sheep IE
every flock.
EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO.
DURIN a recent visit to New York the undersined went to
see Edwin Forrest. As I'm into the moral show bizness my-
self, I ginrally go to Barnum's moral Museum, where only
moral peple air admitted, partickly on Wednesday arternoons.
But this time I thot I'd go & see Ed. Ed has bin actin out on
the stage for many years. There is varis 'pinions about his
actin, Englishmen ginrally bleevin that he is far superior to
Mister Macready ; but on one pint all agree, & that is that Ed
draws like a six ox team. Ed was actin at Niblo's Garding,
which looks considerable more like a parster than a garding,
but let that pars. I sot down in the pit, took out my specta-
cles & commenced peroosin the evenin's bill. The awjince was
all -fired large & the boxes was full of the elitty of New York.
Several opery glasses was leveld at me by Gothum's farest dar-
v^|i|;^||^|[j^^f^
"FAIR YOUTH, DO YOU KNOW wnox I'D DO WITH YOU IF Yor
<VAS MY SUN ?" [*See Pa</e 65.]
EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. 05
ters, but I didn't let on as tho I noticed it, tho mebby I did
take out my sixteen-dollar silver watch & brandish it round
more than was necessary. But the best of us has our weak-
nesses & if a man has gewelry let him show it. As I was
peroosin the bill a grave young man who sot near me axed me
if I'd ever seen Forrest dance the Essence of Old Virginny ?
" He's immense in that," sed the young man. " He also
does a fair champion jig," the young man eontinnerd, " but his
Big Thing is the Essence of Old Virginny." Sez I, " Fair
youth, do you know what I'd do with you if you was my sun ? "
"No," sezhe.
" Wall," sez I, " I'd appint your funeral to-morrow arter-
noon, & the korps should be ready ! You're too smart to live
on this yearth." He didn't tiy any more of his capers on
me. But another pussylanermuss individooul, in a red vest
<fe patent lether boots, told me his name was Bill Astor & axed
me to lend him 50 cents till early in the mornin. I told him
I'd probly send it round to him before he retired to his vir-
toous couch, but if I didn't he might look for it next fall, as
soon as I cut my com. The Orchestry was now fiddling with
all their might, & as the peple didn't understan anything about
it they applaudid versifrussly. Presently, Old Ed cum out.
The play was Otheller or More of Yeniss. Otheller was writ
by ^Vm. Shakspeer. The scene is laid in Yeniss. Otheller
was a likely man & was a ginral in the Yeniss army. He
eloped with Desdemony, a darter of the Hon. Mister Braban-
tio, who represented one of the back districks in the Vene-
shun legislater. Old Brabantio was as mad as thunder at this
& tore round considerable, but finally cooled down, tellin
Otheller, howsever, that Desdemony had come it over her Par,
<fc that he had better look out or she'd come it over him like-
wise. Mr. & Mrs. Otheller git along very comfortable like for
a spell. She is sweet-tempered and luvin a nice, sensible
female, never goin in for he-female conventions, green cotton
umbrellers, and pickled beats. Otheller is a good provider
and thinks all the world of his wife. She has a lazy time of
66 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO.
it, the hired girl cloin all the cookin and washin. Desdcmony,
in fact, don't have to git the water to wash her own hands
with. But a low cuss named lago, who I bleeve wants to git
Otheller out of his snug government birth, now goes to work
& upsets the Otheller family in the most outrajus stile. lago
falls in with a brainless youth named Roderigo & wins all his
money at poker. (lago allers played foul.) He thus got
money enuff to carry out his onprincipled skeem. Mike
Cassio, a Irishman, is selected as a tool by lago. Mike was a
clever feller & orficer in Otheller's army. He liked his tods
too well, howsever, & they floored him, as they have many
other promism young men. lago injuces Mike to drink with
him, lago slyly throwiii his whiskey over his shoulder. Mike
gits as drunk as a biled owl & allows that he can lick a yard
full of the Veneshim fancy before breakfast, without sweatin a
Lair. He meets Koderigo & proceeds for to smash him. A
feller named Montano undertakes to slap Cassio, when that in-
fatooated person runs his sword into him. That miserble
man, lago, pretents to be very sorry to see Mike conduck
hisself in this way, & undertakes to smooth the thing over to
Otheller, who rushes in with a drawn sword & wants to know
what's up. lago cunninly tells his story, & Otheller tells Mike
that he thinks a good deal of him, but he can't train no more
in his regiment. Desdemony sympathises with poor Mike &
interceeds for him with Otheller. lago makes him bleeve she
does this because she thinks more of Mike than she does of
hisself. Otheller swallers lago's lyin tail goes to makin a
noosence of hisself gmrally. He worries poor Desdemony
terrible by his vile insinuations, & finally smothers her to deth
with a piller. Mrs. lago cums in just as Otheller has finished
the fowl deed & givs him fits right left, showin him that he
has bin orfully gulled by her miserble cuss of a husband,
lago cums in, & his wife commences rakin him down also,
when he stabs her. Otheller jaws him a spell & then cuts a
small hole in his stummick with his sword. Ingo pints to
Desdeinony's deth bed & goes orf with a sardonic smile onto
SHO W BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES. 67
his countenance. O ^heller tells the peple that he has dun the
state sum service <fe they know it ; axes them to do as fair a
tiling as they can for him under tiie circumstances, & kills his-
sc-lf vrith a fish-knife, which is the most sensible thing he can
do. This is a breef skedule of the synopsis of the play.
Edwin Forrest is a grate acter. I thot I saw Otheller be-
fore me all the time he was actin, & when the curtin fell, I
found my spectacles was still mistened with salt-water, which
had run from my eyes while poor Desdemony v/as dyin.
Betsy Jane Betsy Jane ! let us pray that our domestic
bliss may never be busted up by a lago !
Edwin Forrest makes money actin out on the stage. He
gits five-hundred dollars a iiite & his board & washin. I wish
T had such a Forrest in my Garding !
THE SHOW BUSINESS AKD POPULAR LECTURES.
I FEEL that the Show Bizniss, which Ive stroven to orny-
ment, is bein usurpt by Poplar Lecturs, as thay air kalled, tho
in my pinion thay air poplar humbugs. Individoouls, who git
hard up, embark in the lecturin biznis. They cram their-
l elves with hi-soundin frazis, frizzle up their hare, git trustid
for a soot of black close & cum out to lectur at 50 dollers a
pop. Thay aint over stockt with branes, but thay hav brass
enuff to make suffishunt kittles to bile all the sope that will be
required by the ensooin sixteen ginerashuns. Peple flock to
heer um in krowds. The men go becawz its poplar & the
wimin folks go to see what other wimiu folks have on. When
its over the lecturer goze & ragalcs hisself with oysters amd
sich, while the peple say " What a charmin lectur that air
was," etsettery etsettery, when 9 out of 10 of um don't have
no inoore idee of what the lecturer sed than my kangeroo has
68 WOMAN'S RIGHTS.
of the sevunth speer of hevun. Thare's moore infurmashmi
to be gut out of a well concluctid noospaper price 3 sents
than tkare is out of ten poplar lectures at 25 or 50 dollers a
pop, as the kase may be. These same peple, bare in mind,
stick up their nosis at moral wax figgevs & sagashus beests.
Thay say these things is low. Gents, it greeves my hart in my
old age, when I'm in "the Sheer & yeller leef " (to cote fruin
my Irish frend Mister McBeth) to see that the Show biznis is
pritty much plade out ; howsomever I shall chance it agane in
the Spring.
WOMAN'S EIGHTS.
I PITCHT my tent in a small town in Injianny one day last
seeson, & while I was standin at the dore takin money, a dep-
pytashun of ladies came up & sed they wos members of the
Bunkumville Female Reformin & Wimiii's Kite's Associashun,
and thay axed me if they cood go in without payin.
" Not exactly," sez I, " but you can pay without goin in."
"Dew you know who we air? " said one of the wimin a
tall and feroshus lookin critter, with a blew kotton umbreller
under her arm " do you know who we air, Sir ? "
" My impreshun is," sed I, " from a kersery view, that you
air females."
1 ' We air, Sur," said the feroshus woman " we belong to a
Society whitch beleeves wimin has rites whitch beleeves in
razin her to her proper speer whitch beleeves she is indowed
with as much intelleck as man is whitch beleeves she is
trampled on and aboozed & who will resist henso4th & for-
efrer the incroachments of proud & domineering men."
Durin her discourse, the exsentric female grabed me by the
coat-kollor & was swinging her umbreller wildly over my hed.
" I hope, marm," sez I, starting back, " that your intensions
WOMAN'S RIGHTS. 69
is -honorable ! I'm a lone man hear in a strange place. Be-
sides, Ive a wife to hum."
" Yes," cried the female, " & she's a slave ! Doth she never
dream of freedom doth she never think of thro win of the
yoke of tyrrinny & thinkin & votin for herself? Doth she
never think of these here things ? "
" Xot bein a natral born fool," sed I, by this time a little
riled, " I kin safely say that she dothunt."
l( Oh whot whot ! " screamed the female, swingin her um-
breller in the air. " O, what is the price that woman pays for
her expeeriunce ! "
" I don't know," sez I ; " the price of my show is 15 cents
pur individooal."
" & can't our Sosiety go in free ? " asked the female.
" Not if I know it," sed I.
" Crooil, crooil man ! " she cried, & bust into teers.
" Won't you let my darter in ? " sed anuther of the exsen-
tric wimin, taken me afeckshunitely by the hand. " O, please
let my darter in, slice's a sweet gushin child of natur."
" Let her gush ! " roared I, as mad as I cood stick at their
tarnal nonsense ; " let her gush ! " YvHiere upon they all sprung
back with the simultanious observashun that I was a Beest.
" My female friends," sed, I (t be4 you leeve, I've a few re-
marks to remark ; wa them well. The female woman is one of
the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste. It's
onpossible to get along without her. Had there bin no female
wimin in the world, I should scarcely be here with my unpar-
aleld show on this very occashun. She is good in sickness
good in wellness good all the time. O woman, woman ! " I
cried, my feelins worked up to a hi poetick pitch, " you air a
angle when you behave yourself; but when you take off your
proper appairel <fc (mettyforically speaken) get into panty-
loons when you desert your firesides, & with your heels full
of wimin's rites noshuns go round like roarin lions, seekin
whom you may devour someboddy in short, when you un-
dertake to play the man, you play the devil and air an emfatic
70 THE PRINCE OF WALES.
noosance. My female friends," I continnered, as they were in-
dignantly departin, " wa well what A. "Ward has sed! "
THE PBINCE OF WALES.
To my friends of the Editorial Corpse :
I RITE these lines on British sile. I've bin follerin Mrs. Vic-
tory's hopeful sun Albert Edward threw Kanady with my on-
paraleled Show, and tho I haint made much in a pecoonary pint
of vew, I've lernt sumthin new, over hear on British Sile, whare
they bleeve in Saint Gorge and the Dragoon. Previs to cumin
over hear I tawt my organist how to grind Rule Brittanny and
other airs which is poplar on British Sile. I likewise fixt a
wax figger up to represent Sir Edmun lied the Govner Ginral.
The statoot I fixt up is the most versytile wax statoot I ever
saw. I've showd it as Wm. Penn, Napoleon Bonypart, Juke
of Wellington, the Beneker Boy, Mrs. Cunningham & varis
other notid persons, & also for a sertiii pirut named Hix. I've
bin so long amung wax statoots that I can fix 'em up to soot
the tastes of folks, & with sum paints I hav I kin giv their
facis a beneverlent or fiendish look as the kase requires. I
giv Sir Edmun Hed a beneverlent look, & when sum folks who
thawt they was smart sed it didn't look like Sir Edmun Hed
anymore than it did anybody else, I sed, " That's the pint.
That's the beauty of the Statoot. It looks like Sir Edmun
Hed or any other man. You may kail it what you pleese. Ef
it don't look like anybody that ever lived, then it's sertinly a
remarkable Statoot & well worth seein. ./kail it Sir Edmun
Hed. You may kail it what you pleese ! " [I had 'em thare.] 1
At larst I've had a interview with the Prince, tho it putty
nigh cost me my vallerble life. I cawt a glimps of him as he
sot on the Pizarro of the hotel in Sarnia, & elbowd myself
THE PRINCE OF WALES. 71
threw a crowd of wimin, children, sojers & Injins that was
hangin round the tavern. I was drawin near to the Prince
when a red-faced man in Millingtery close grabd holt of me
and axed me whare I was goin all so bold ?
" To see Albert Edard the Prince of Wales," sez I ; " who
are you ? "
He sed he was the Kurnel of the Seventy Fust Regiment,
Her Magisty's troops. I told him I hoped the Seventy One-
sters was in good helth, and was passin by when he ceased hold
of me agin, and sed in a tone of indigent cirprise :
" Yv'hat ? Impossible ! It kannot be ! Blarst my hize, sir,
did I understan you to say that you was actooally goin into the
presents of his Royal Iniss ? "
" That's what's the matter with me," I replide.
" But blarst my hize, sir, its onprecedented. It's orful, sir.
Nothin' like it hain't happened sins the Gun Power Plot of
Guy Forks. Owdashus man, who air yu ? "
" Sir," sez I, drawin myself up & puttin on a defiant air,
" I'm a Amerycan sitterzen. My name is Ward. I'm a hus-
band & the father of twins, which I'm happy to state thay look
like me. By perfeshun I'm a exhibitor of wax works & sich."
" Good God ! " yelled the Kurnal, " the idee of a exhibit er
of wax figgers goin into the presents of Royalty ! The British
Lion may well roar with raje at the thawt ! "
Sez I, " Speakin of the British Lion, Kurnal, I'd like to make
a bargin with you fur tht beast fur a few weeks to add to my
Show." I didn't meen nothin by this. I was only gettin orf
a goak, but you orter hev seen the Old Kurnal jump up &,
howl. He actooally fomed at the mowth.
" This can't be real," he showtid. li No, no. It's a horrid
dream. Sir, you air not a human bein you hav no existents
yure a Myth ! "
" Wall," sez I, " old hoss, yule find me a ruther onkomforta-
ble Myth ef you punch my inards in that way agin." I began
to git a little riled, fur when he called me a Myth he puncht
me putty hard. The Kurnal now commenst showtin fur the
72 TEE PRINCE OF WALES.
Seventy Onesters. I at fust thawt I'd stay & becum a Marter
to British Outraje, as sich a course mite git my name up & be
a good advertisement fur my Show, but it occurred to me that
ef enny of the Seventy Onesters shood happen to insert a bar-
ronet into my stummick it mite be onplesunt, & I was 011 the
pint of runnin orf when the Prince hisself kum up & axed me
what the matter was. Sez I, " Albert Edard, is that you ? "
& he smilt & sed it was. Sez I, " Albert Edard, hears my
keerd. I cum to pay my respecks to the futer King of Ingland.
The Kurnal of the Seventy Onesters hear is ruther smawl per-
taters, but of course you ain't to blame fur that. He puts
on as many airs as tho he was the Bully Boy with the glass
eye."
" Never mind," sez Albert Edard, " I'm glad to see you,
Mister Ward, at all events," & he tuk my hand so plesunt like
& larfed so sweet that I fell in love with him to onct. He
handid me a segar & we sot down on the Pizarro & commenst
smokin rite cheerful. u Wall," sez I, " Albert Edard, how's
the old folks ? "
"Her Majesty & the Prince are well," he sed.
" Duz the old man take his Lager beer reglar ? " I inquired.
The Prince larfed & intermatid that the old man didn't let
many kegs of that bevridge spile in the sellar in the coarse of
a year. We sot & tawked there sum time abowt matters &
things, & bimeby I axed him how he liked bein Prince as fur
as he'd got.
^ To speak plain, Mister Ward," he sed, lt I don't much like
it. I'm sick of all this bowin & scrapin & crawlin & hurrain
over a boy like me. I would rather go through the country
quietly & enjoy myself in my own way, with the other boys, &
not be made a Show of to be gaped at by everybody. When
the peple cheer me I feel pleesed, fur I know they ineen it ; but
if these one-horse offishuls cood know how I see threw all their
moves & understan exackly what they air after, & knowd how
I larft at 'em in private, thayd stop kissin my hands & fuwiiiu
over me as thay now do. But you know, Mr. Ward, I can't
THE PRINCE OF WALES. 73
help bein a Prince, & I must do all I kin to fit myself fur the
persishun I must sumtime ockepy."
" That's troo," sez I ; " sickness and the docters will carry
the Queen orf one of these dase sure's, yer born."
The time hevin arove fur me to take my departer I rose up
& sed : " Albert Edard, I must go, but previs to doin so I
will obsarve that you soot mo. Yure a good feller Albert Ed-
ard, & tho I'm agin Princes as a gineral thing, I must say
I like the cut of your Gib. When you git to be King try and
be as good a man as yure muther has bin ! BQ just & be Jen-
erus, espeshully to showmen, who hav allers bin aboozed sins
the dase of Noah, who was the fust man to go into the Menag-
ery bizniss, & ef the daily papers of his time air to be beleeved
Noah's colleckshun of livin wild beests beet ennything ever
seen sins, tho I make bold to dowt ef his snaiks was ahead of
mine. Albert Edard, adoo ! " I tuk his hand which he shook
warmly, & givin him a perpetooal free pars to my show, & also
parses to take hum for the Queen & Old Albert, I put on my
hat and walkt away.
"Mrs. Ward," I solilerquized, as . I walkt along, "Mrs.
Ward, ef you could see your husband now, just as he prowdly
emerjis from the presunts of the futur King of Ingland, you'd
be sorry you called him a Beest jest becaws he cum home tired
1 nite and wantid to go to bed without takin orf his boots.
You'd be sorry for tryin to deprive yure husband of the price-
liss Boon of liberty, Betsy Jane ! "
Jest then I met a long perseshun of men with gownds onto
'em. The leader was on horseback, & ridin up to me he sed,
"Air you Orange?"
Sez I, Which ? "
" Air you a Orangeman ? " he repeated, sternly.
"I used to peddle lemins," sed I, "but I never delt in
oranges. They are apt to spile on yure hands. What particler
Loonatic Asylum hev you & yure frends escaped frum, ef I
may be so bold ? " Just then a suddent thawt struck me & I
sed, " Oh yure the fellers who air worryin the Prince so &
4
74 OSSAWATOMIE BROWN.
givin the Juke of Noocastle cold sweats at nite, by yure infer-
nal catawalins, air you ? Wall, take the advice of a Amery-
kin sitterzen, take orf them gownds & don't try to get up a
religious fite, which is 40 times wuss nor a prize fite, over
Albert Edard, who wants to receive you all on a ekal footin,
not keerin a tinker's cuss what meetin house you sleep in Sun-
days. Go home and mind yure bisness & not make noosenses
of yourselves." With which observashuns I left 'em.
I shall leeve British sile 4th with.
OSSAWATOMIE BROWN.
I DON'T pertend to be a cricket & consekently the reader will
not regard this 'ere peace as a Cricketcism. I cimply desine
givin the pints & Plot of a play I saw actid out at the theater
t'other nite, called Ossywattermy Brown or the Hero of Harp-
er's Ferry. Ossywattermy had varis failins, one of which was
a idee that he cood conker Virginny with a few duzzen loon-
atics which he had pickt up sumwhares, mercy only nose wher.
He didn't cum it, as the sekel showed. This play was jerkt
by a admirer of Old Ossywattermy.
First akt opens at North Elby, Old Brown's humsted.
Thare's a weddin at the house. Aruely, Old Brown's darter,
marrys sumbody, and they all whirl in the Messy darnce.
Then Ossywattermy and his 3 sons leave fur Kansis. Old
Mrs. Ossywattermy tells 'em thay air goin on a long jurny &
Blesses 'em to slow fiddlin. Thay go to Kansis. What upon
arth thay go to Kansis fur when thay was so nice & comfortable
down there to North Elby, is more'n I know. The suns air
next seen in Kansis at a tarvern. Mister Blane, a sinister
lookin man with his Belt full of knives & hoss pistils, axes one
of the Browns to take a drink. Brown refuzis, which is the
OSSAWATOMIE BROWN. 75
fust instance on record whar a Brown deklined sich a invite.
Mister Blane, who is a dark bearded feroshus lookin person,
then axis him whether he's fur or fernenst Slavery. Yung
Brown sez he's agin it, whareupon Mister Blane, who is the
most sinisterest lookin man I ever saw, sez Har, har, har !
(that bein his stile of larfin wildly) <fc ups & sticks a knife into
yung Brown. Anuther Brown rushes up & sez, " you has
killed me Ber-ruther ! " Moosic by the Band & Seen changes.
The stuck yung Brown enters supported by his two brothers.
Bimeby he falls down, sez he sees his Mother, & dies. Moo-
sic by the Band. I lookt but couldn't see any mother. Next
Seen reveels Old Brown's cabin. He's readin a book. He
sez freedum must extend its Area & rubs his hands like he
was pleesed abowt it. His suns come in. One of 'em goes out
& cums in ded, havin bin shot while out by a Border Kuffin.
The ded yung Brown sez he sees his mother and tumbles down.
The Border Ruffins then surround the cabin & set it a fire.
'The Browns giv theirselves up for gone coons, when the hired
gal diskivers a trap door to the cabin & thay go down threw
it & cum up threw the bulkhed. Their merraklis 'scape reminds
me of the 'scape of De Jones, the Coarsehair of the Gulf a
tail with a yaller kiver, that I onct red. For sixteen years he
was confined in a loathsum dun] in, not tastin of food durin all
that time. When a lucky thawt struck him ! He opend the
winder and got out. To resoom Old Brown rushes down
to the footlites, gits down on his nees & s wares he'll hav re-
venge. The battle of Ossawatermy takes place. Old Brown
kills Mister Blane, the sinister individooal aforesed. Mister
Blane makes a able & elerquent speech, sez he don't see his
mother much, and dies likes the son of a gentleman, rapt up in
the Star Spangled banner. Moosic by the Band. Four or
five other Border ruffins air killed, but thay don't say nothin
abowt seein their mothers. From Kansis to Harper's Ferry.
Picter of a Arsenal is represented. Sojers cum & fire at it.
Old Brown cums out & permits hisself to be shot. He is tride
by two soops in milingtery close, and sentenced to be hung on
T6 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD.
the gallus. Tabloo Old Brown on a platform, pintin upards,
the staige lited up with red fire. Goddiss of Liberty also on
platform, pintin upards. A dutchman in the orkestry warbles
on a base drum. Curtin falls. Moosic by the Band.
JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WABD.
Dear Sirs :
I TAKE my pen in hand to inform you that I am in a state
of grate bliss, and trust these lines will find you injoyin the
same blessins. I'm reguvinated. I've found the immortal
waters of yooth, so to speak, and am as limber and frisky as a
two-year-old steer, and in the futur them boys which sez to me
" go up, old Bawld hed," will do so Tat the peril of their hazard,
individooally. I'm very happy. My house is full of joy, and
I have to git up nights and larf ! Sumtimes I ax myself t( is
it not a dream ? " & suthin withinto me sez " it air ; " but
when I look at them sweet little critters and hear 'em squawk,
I know it is a reality 2 realitys, I may say and I feel
gay-
I returnd from the Summer Campane with my unparaleld
show of wax works and livin wild Beests of Pray in the early
part of this munth. The peple of Baldinsville met me cordully
and I immejitly commenst restin myself with my famerly.
The other nite while I was down to the tavurn tostin my shins
agin the bar room fire & amuzin the krowd with sum of my
adventurs, who shood cum in bare heded & terrible excited but
Bill Stokes, who sez, sez he, " Old Ward, there's grate doins
up to your house."
Sez I, " William, how so ? "
Sez he, " Bust my gizzud, but its grate doins," & then he
larfed as if hee'd kill hisself.
TWINS, MARM," SEZ I, " T WINS !" [See Paye 70.]
JOT IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 77
Sez I, risin and puttin on a austeer look, " "William, I wood-
unt be a fool if I had common cents."
But he kept on larfin till he was black in the face, when he
fell over on to the bunk where the hostler sleeps, and in a still
small voice sed, " Twins ! " I ashure you gents that the grass
didn't grow under my feet on my way home, & I was follered
by a enthoosiastic throng of my feller sitterzens, who hurrard
for Old Ward at the top of their voises. I found the house
chock full of peple. Thare was Mis Square Baxter and her
three grown-up darters, lawyer Perkinses wife, Taberthy Rip-
ley, young Eben Parsuns, Deakun Simmuns folks, the Skool-
master, Doctor Jordin, etsetteny, etsetterry. Mis Ward was
in the west room, which jines the kitchin. Mis Square Baxter
was mixin suthin in a dipper before the kitchin fire, & a small
army of female wimin were rushin wildly round the house with
bottles of camfire, peaces of nannil, &c. I never seed such a
hubbub in my natral born dase. I cood not stay in the west
room only a minit, so strung up was my feelins, so I rusht out
and ceased my dubbel barrild gun.
tf What upon airth ales the man ? " sez Taberthy Eipley.
" Sakes alive, what air you doin ? " & she grabd me by the coat
tales. " What's the matter with you ? " she continnerd.
" Twins, marm,". sez I, " twins ! "
" I know it," sez she, coverin her pretty face with her apun.
" Wall," sez I, that's what's the matter with me ! "
" Wall, put down that air gun, you pesky old fool," sed she.
" No, marm," sez I, " this is a Nashunal day. The glory of
this here day isn't confined to Baldinsville by a darn site. On
yonder woodshed," sed I, drawin myself up to my full hite and
speakin in a show-actin voice,. "will I fire a Nashunal saloot ! "
sayin whitch I tared myself from her grasp and rusht to the
top of the shed whare I blazed away until Square Baxter's
hired man and my son Artemus Juneyer cum and took me
down by mane force.
On returnin to the Kitchin I found quite a lot of people
seated be4 the fire, a talkin the event over. They made room
78 JOT IN THE HOUSE OF WAED.
for me & I sot down. (l Quite a eppisode," sed Docter Jordin,
litin his pipe with a red-hot coal.
" Yes," sed I, " 2 eppisodes, waying abowt 18 pounds jintly."
" A perfeck coop de tat," sed the skoolmaster.
" E pluribus unum, in proprietor persony," sed I, thinking
I'd let him know I understood furrin langwidges as well as he
did, if I wasn't a skoolmaster.
" It is indeed a momentious event," sed young Eben Parsuns,
who has been 2 quarters to the Akademy.
" I never heard twins called by that name afore," sed I,
" but I spose it's all rite."
" We shall soon have Wards enuff," sed the editer of the
Bald ins ville Bugle of Liberty, who was lookin over a bundle
of exchange papers in the corner, <c to apply to the legislator
for a City Charter ? "
" Good for you, old man ! " sed I ; " giv that air a conspickius
place in the next Bugle"
" How redicklus," sed pretty Susan Fletcher, coverin her
face with her knittin work & larfin like all possest.
" Wall, for my part," sed Jane Maria Peasley, who is the
Grossest old made in the world, "I think you all act like a
pack of fools."
Sez I, " Mis. Peasly, air you a parent ? "
Sez she, No, I aint."
Sez I, " Mis. Peasly, you never will be."
She left.
We sot there talkin & larfin until ft the switchin hour of nite,
when grave yards yawn & Josts troop 4th," as old Bill Shake-
spire aptlee obsarves in his dramy of John Sheppard, esq, or
the Moral House Breaker, when we broke up & disbursed.
Muther & children is a doin well ; & as Kesolushuns is
the order of the day I will feel obleeged if you'll insurt the
follerin
Whereas, two Eppisodes has happiried up to the uiidersined'a
house, which is Twins ; & Whereas I like this stile, sade twins
bein of the male perswashun & both boys ; there 4 Be it
BOSTON. 79
Resolved, That to them nabers who did the fare thing by sade
Eppisodes my hart felt thanks is doo.
Resolved, Thrt I do most hartily thank Engine Ko. No. 17,
who, under the impreshun from the fuss at my house on that
auspishus nite that thare was a konflagration goin on, kum gal-
yiantly to the spot, but kindly refraned frum squirtin.
Resolved, That frum the Bottum of my Sole do I thank the
Baldinsville brass band fur givin up the idea of Sarahnadin me,
both on that great nite & sinse.
Resolved, That my thanks is doo several members of the Bald-
insville meetin house who fur 3 whole dase hain't kalled me a
sinful skofFer or intreeted me to mend my wicked wase and jine
sade meetin house to onct.
Resolved, That my Boozum teams with meny kind emoshuns
towards the follerin individoouls, to whit namelee Mis.
Square Baxter, who Jenerusly refoozed to take a sent for a bot-
tle of camfire ; lawyer Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on
the Eppisodes ; the Editer of the Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty,
who nobly assisted me in wollupin my Kangeroo, which sagashus
little cuss seriusly disturbed the Eppisodes by his outrajus
screetchins & kickins up ; Mis. Hirum Doolittle, who kindly
furnisht sum cold vittles at a tryin time, when it wasunt kon-
venient to cook vittles at my hous ; & the Peasleys, Parsunses &
Watsunses fur there meny ax of kindness.
Trooly yures, AKTEMUS WARD.
BOSTOK
A. W. TO HIS WIFE.
DEAR BETSY : I write you this from Boston, " the Modern
Atkins, " as it is denomyunated, altho' I skurcely know what
those air. I'll giv you a kursoory view of this city. I'll klassify
80 BOSTON.
the paragrafs under seprit lieadins, arter the stile of those Em-
blems of Trooth and Poority, the Washinton correspongdents :
COPPS' HILL.
The winder of my room commands a exileratin view of
Copps' Hill, where Cotton Mather, the father of the Reformers
and sich, lies berrid. There is men even now who worship Cot-
ton, and there is wimin who wear him next their harts. But I
do not weep for him. He's bin ded too lengthy. I aint goin
to be absurd, like old Mr. Skillins, in our naberhood, who is
ninety-six years of age, and gets drunk every 'lection day, and
weeps Bitturly because he haint got no Parents. He's a nice
Orphan, he is.
BUNKER HILL.
Bunker Hill is over yonder in Charleston. In 1 776 a thrillin'
dramy was acted out over there, in which the " Warren Combi-
nation " played star parts.
MR. FANUEL.
Old Mr. Fanuel is ded, but his Hall is still into full blarst.
This is the Cradle in which the Goddess of Liberty was rocked,
my Dear. The Goddess hasn't bin very well durin' the past
few years, and the num'ris quack doctors she called in didn't
help her any ; but the old gal's physicians now are men who
understand their bisness, Major-generally speakin', and I think
the day is near when she'll be able to take her three meals a
day, and sleep nights as comf 'bly as in the old time.
THE COMMON".
It is here, as ushil ; and the low cuss who called it a Wacant
Lot, and wanted to know why they didn't ornament it with
sum Bildins', is a onhappy Outcast in Naponsit.
THE LEGISLATUR.
The State House is filled with Statesmen, but sum of 'em
wear queer hats. They buy 'em, I take it, of hatters who carry
BOSTON. 81
on hat stores down stairs in Dock Square, and whose hats is
either ten years ahead of the prevalin' stile, or ten years behind
it jest as a intellectooal person sees fit to think about it. I
had the pleasure of talkin' with sevril members of the legislatur.
I told 'em the Eye of 1,000 ages was onto we American peple
of to-day. They seemed deeply impressed by the remark, and
wantid to know if I had seen the Grate Orgin ?
HARVARD COLLEGE.
This celebrated institootion of learnin' is pleasantly situated
in the Bar-room of Parker's, in School street, and has poopils
from all over the country.
I had a letter, yes'd'y, by the way, from our mootual son,
Artemus, Jr., who is at Bowdoin College in Maine. He writes
that he's a Bowdoin Arab. & is it cum to this ? Is this Boy,
as I nurtured with a Parent's care into his childhood's hour - r -
is he goin' to be a Grate American humorist ? Alars ! I fear
it is too troo. Why didn't I bind him out to the Patent Trav-
ellin' Vegetable Pill Man, as was struck with his appearance
at our last County Fair, & wanted him to go with him and be a
Pillist? Ar, these Boys they little know how the old folks
worrit about 'em. But my father he never had no occasion to
worrit about me. You know, Betsy, that when I fust com-
menced my career as a moral exhibitor with a six-legged cat and
a Bass drum, I was only a simple peasant child skurce 15
Summers had flow'd over my yoothful hed. But I had sum
mind of my own. My father understood this. " Go," he said
" go, my son, and hog the public ! " (he ment, " knock em,"
but the old man was allus a little given to slang). He put his
withered han' tremblinly onto my hed, and went sadly into the
house. I thought I saw tears tricklin' down his venerable chin,
but it might hav' been tobacker jooce. He chaw'd.
LITERATOOR.
The Atlantic Monthly ', Betsy, is a reg'lar visitor to our westun
home. I like it because it has got sense. It don't print stories
4*
82 BOSTON.
with piruts and hoiiist young men into 'em, making the piruts
splendid fellers and the honist young men dis'gree'ble idiots
so that our darters very nat'rally prefer the piruts to the honist
young idiots ; but it gives us good square American literatoor.
The chaps that write for the Atlantic, Betsy, understand their
bisness. They can sling ink, they can. I went in and saw
'em. I told 'em that theirs was a high and holy mission.
They seemed quite gratified, and asked me if I had seen the
Grate Orgin.
WHERE THE FUST BLUD WAS SPILT.
I went over to Lexington yes'd'y. My Boosum hove with
sollum emotions. " & this," I said to a man who was drivin' a
yoke of oxen, " this is where our revolutionary forefathers
asserted their independence and spilt their Blud. Classic
ground ! "
" Wall," the man said, a it's good for white beans and pota-
toes, but as regards raisin' wheat, t'ain't worth a dam. But
hav' you seen the Grate Orgin ? "
THE POOTY GIRL IN SPECTACLES.
I returned in the Hoss Cars, part way. A pooty girl in
spectacles sot near me, and was tellin' a young man how much
he reminded her of a man she used to know in Waltham.
Pooty soon the young man got out, and, smilin' in a seductiv'
manner, I said to the girl in spectacles, " Don't I remind you
of somebody you used to know ? "
"Yes," she said, "you do remind me of one man, but he was
sent to the penitentiary for stealin' a Bar'l of mackril he
died there, so I conclood you ain't him." I didn't pursoo the
conversation. I only heard her silvery voice once more duriii'
the remainder of the jerney. Turnin' to a respectable lookiii'
female of advanced summers, she asked her if she had seen the
Grate Orgin.
We old chaps, my dear, air apt to forget that it is sum time
since we was infants, and et lite food. Nothin' of further
BOSTON. 83
intVist took place on the cars excep' a colored gentleman, a total
stranger to me, asked if I'd lend him my diamond Brestpin to
wear to a funeral in South Boston. I told him I wouldn't -
not a purpuss.
COMMON SKOOLS.
A excellent skool sistim is in vogy here. John Slurk, my old
pardner, has a little son who has only bin to skool two months,
and yet he exhibertid his father's performin' Bear in the show
all last summer. I hope they pay partic'lar 'tention to Spelin'
in these Skools, because if a man can't Spel wel he's of no
'kount.
SUMMIN' UP.
I ment to have allooded to the Grate Orgin in this letter, but
I haven't seen it. Mr. Reveer, whose tavern I stop at, informed
me that it can be distinctly heard through a smoked glass in
his nativ town in New Hampshire, any clear day. But set-
tin' the Grate Orgin aside (and indeed, I don't think I heard
it mentioned all the time I was there), Boston is one of the
grandest, sure-footedest, clear headedest, cornfortablest cities on
the globe. Onlike ev'ry other large city I was ever in, the
most of the hackmen don't seem to hav' bin speshully intended
by natur for the Burglery perfession, and it's about the only
large city I know of where you don't enjoy a brilliant oppor-
tunity of bein' swindled in sum way, from the Risin of the sun
to the goin down thereof. There4 I say, loud and continnered
applaus' for Boston !
DOMESTIC MATTERS.
Kiss the children for me. What you tell me 'bout the Twins
greeves me sorely. When I sent 'em that Toy Enjine I had
not contempyulated that they would so fur forgit what was doo
the dignity of our house as to squirt dish-water on the Incum
Tax Collector. It is a disloyal act, and shows a prematoor
leanin' tords cussedness that alarms me. I send to Amelia
Ann, our oldest dawter, sum new music, viz., " I am Lonely
sints My Mother-in-law Died " ; " Dear Mother, What tho' the
Hand that Spanked me in my Childhood's Hour is withered
84: "HONEST OLD ABE" AND HIS NOMINATION.
now ? " &c. These song writers, by the way, air doin.' the Moth-
er Bisiness rather too muchly.
Your Own Troo husban',
ARTEMUS WARD.
HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS
NOMINATION.
THERE are several reports afloat as to how <c Honest Old
Abe " received the news of his nomination, none of which are
correct. We give the correct report.
The Official Committee arrived in Springfield at dewy eve,
and went to Honest Old Abe's house. Honest Old Abe was
not in. Mrs. Honest Old Abe said Honest Old Abe was out
in the woods splitting rails. So the Official Committee went
out into the woods, where sure enough they found Honest Old
Abe splitting rails with his two boys. It was a grand, a mag-
nificent spectacle. There stood Honest Old Abe in his shirt-
sleeves, a pair of leather home-made suspenders holding up a
pair of home-made pantaloons, the seat of which was neatly
patched with substantial cloth of a different color. " Mr.
Lincoln, Sir, you've been nominated, Sir, for the highest
office, Sir ." " Oh, don't bother me," said Honest Old Abe ;
" I took a stent this mornin' to split three million rails afore
night, and I don't want to be pestered with 116 stuff about no
Conventions till I get my stent done. I've only got two hun-
dred thousand rails to split before sundown. I kin do it if
you'll let me alone." And the great man went right on split-
ting rails, paying no attention to the Committee whatever.
The Committee were lost in admiration for a few moments,
when they recovered, and asked one of Honest Old 'Abe's
boys whose boy he was ? " I'm my parent's boy," shouted the
urchin, which burst of wit so convulsed the Committee that
INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 85
they cauie very near <c gin'in eout" completely. In a few
moments Honest Old Abe finished his task, and received the
news with perfect self-possession. He then asked them up to
the house, where he received them cordially. He said he split
three million rails every day, although he was in very poor
health. Mr. Lincoln is a jovial man, and has a keen sense of
the ludicrous. During the evening he asked Mr. Evarts, of
New York, <c why Chicago was like a hen crossing the street ? "
Mr. Evarts gave it up. " Because," said Mr. Lincoln, l( Old
Grimes is dead, that good old man ! " This exceedingly hu-
morous thing created the most uproarious laughter.
INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN.
I HAV no politics. Nary a one. I'm not in the bisiness.
If I was I spose I should holler versiffrusly in the streets at
nite and go home to Betsy Jane smellen of coal ile and gin, in
the mornin. I should go to the Poles arly. I should stay
there all day. I should see to it that my nabers was thar. I
should git carriges to take the kripples, the infirm and the in-
dignant thar. I should be on guard agin frauds and sich. I
should be on the look out for the infarnus Use of the enemy,
got up jest be4 elecshun for perlitical effeck. When all was
over and my candydate was elected, I should move heving &
erth so to speak until I got orfice, which if I didn't git
a orfice I should turn round and abooze the Administration
with all my mite and maine. But I'm not in the bisniss. I'm
in a far more respectful bisniss nor what pollertics is. I
wouldn't giv two cents to be a Congresser. The wuss insult I
ever received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me
to run fur the Legislates Sez I, " My frends, dostest think I'd
stoop to that there ? " They turned as white as a sheet. I
86 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN.
spoke in my most orfullest tones, & they knowd I wasn't to
be trifled with. They slunked out of site to onct.
There4, havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at
his liumstid in Springfield. I found the old feller in his par-
ler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers. Knowin
he had been capting of a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I
thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so sez I, " Old Abe,
ahoy ! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw
yer jib-poop over-board ! Shiver my timbers, my harty ! "
[N. B. This is ginuine mariner langwidge. I know, becawz
I've seen sailor plays acted out by them New York theater fel-
lers.] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, " Send in yer
petition by & by. I can't possibly look at it now. Indeed, I
can't. It's onpossible, sir ! "
(f Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air ? " sed I.
" A orfice-seeker, to be sure," sed he.
''"Wall, sir," sed I, "you's never more mistaken in your
life. You hain't gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances.
I'm A. Ward. Wax figgers is my perfeshun. I'm the father
of Twins, and they look like me both of them. I cum to
pay a frendly visit to the President eleck of the United States.
If so be you wants to see me, say so if not, say so, & I'm
orf like a jug handle."
"Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to see you, Sir."
" Repose in. Abraham's Buzzum ! " sed one of the orfice
seekers, his idee bein to git orf a goak at my expense.
" Wall," sez I, " ef all you fellers repose in that there
Buzzum thare'll be mity poor nussin for sum of you ! " where-
upon Old Abe buttoned his weskit clear up and blusht like a
maidin of sweet 16. Jest at this pint of the conversation
another swarm of orfice-seekers arrove & cum pilin into the
parler. Sum wanted post orfices, sum wanted collectorships,
sum wantid furrin missions, and all wanted sumthrn. I
thought Old Abe would go crazy. He hadn't more than had
time to shake hands with 'em, before another tremenjis crowd
cum porein onto his premises. His house and dooryard was
As INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. [See Pa-je 86.]
INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 87
now perfeekly overflowed with orfice seekers, all clameruss for
a immejit interview with Old Abe. One man from Ohio, who
had about seven inches of corn whisky into him, mistook me
for Old Abe and addrest me as " The Pra-hayrie Flower of the
West ! " Thinks I you want a offiss putty bad. Another
man with a gold heded cane and a red nose told Old Abe he
was " a seckind Washington & the Pride of the Boundliss
West."
Sez I, i( Square, you wouldn't take a small post-offiss 1 if you
could git it, would you ? "
Sez he, " a patrit is abuv them things, sir ! "
11 There's a putty big crop of patrits this season, aint there,
Squire ? " sez I, when another crowd of offiss seekers pored in.
The house, door-yard, barn & woodshed was now all full, and
when another crowd cum I told 'em not to go away for want
of room as the hog-pen was still empty. One patrit from a
small town in Michygan went up on top the house, got into
the chimney and slid down into the parler where Old Abe
was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of orfice-seekers from
chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy. The minit he
reached the fire-place he jumpt up, brusht the soot out of his
eyes, and yelled : " Don't make eny pintment at the Sptmkville
postoffiss till you've read my papers. All the respectful men
in our town is signers to that there dockyment ! "
" Good God ! " cride Old Abe, " they cum upon me from the
skize down the chimneys, and from the bowels of the
yerth ! " He hadn't more'n got them words out of his delikit
mouth before two fat offiss-seekers from Wisconsin, in endev-
erin to crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of applyin for
the tollgateship ai Milwawky, upsot the President eleck, & he
wmild hev gone sprawlin into the fire-place if I hadn't caught
him in these arms. But I hadn't more'n stood him up strate
before another man cum crashin down the chimney, his head
strikin me vilently agin the inards and prostratin my volup-
toous form onto the floor. " Mr. Linkin," shoutid the in-
88 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN.
fatooated being, (( my papers is signed by every clergyman in
our town, and likewise the skoolmaster ! "
Sez I, "you egrejis ass," gittin up & brushin the dust from
my eyes, " I'll sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if
you don't be a little more keerful how you make my bread
basket a depot in the futer. How do you like that air per-
fumery ? " sez I, shuving my fist under his nose. " Them's
the kind of papers I'll giv you ! Them's the papers you
want ! ."
" But I workt hard for the ticket ; I toiled night and day !
The patrit should be rewarded ! "
" Virtoo," sed I, holdin' the infatooated man by the coat-
collar, *' virtoo, sir, is its own reward. Look at me ! " He
did look at me, and qualed be4 my gase. l( The fact is," I
continued, lookin' round on the hungry crowd, " there is
scacely a offiss for every ile lamp can-id round durin' this cam-
pane. I wish thare was. I wish thare was furrin missions to
be filled on varis lonely Islands where eppydemics rage inces-
santly, and if I was in Old Abe's place I'd send every mother's
son of you to them. What air you here for ? " I continnered,
warmin up considerable, " can't you giv Abe a minit's peace ?
Don't you see he's worrid most to death ? Go home, you mis-
erable men, go home & till the sile ! Go to peddlin tinware
go to choppin wood go to bilin' sope stuff sassengers
black boots git a clerkship on sum respectable manure cart
go round as original Swiss Bell Ringers becum ' origenal
and only ' Campbell Minstrels go to lecturin at 50 dollars a
nite iinbark in the peanut bizniss write for the Ledger
saw off your legs and go round givin concerts, with tuchin ap-
peals to a, charitable public, printed on your handbills any-
thing for a honest living, but don't come round here drivin
Old Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings up! Go home.
Stand not upon the order of your goin', but go to onct ! Ef
in five rninits from this time," sez I, pullin' out my new six-
teen dollar huntin cased watch and brandishin' it before their
eyes, " Ef in five minits from this time a single sole of you
INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 89
remains on these here premises, Fll go out to my cage near by,
and let my Boy Constructor loose ! & ef he gits aiming you,
you'll think old Solferino has cum again and no mistake ! "
You ought to hev seen them scamper, Mr. Fair. They run orf
as tho Satun hisself was arter them with a red hot ten pronged
pitchfork. In five minits the premises was clear.
" How kin I ever repay you, Mr. Ward, for your kindness ? "
sed Old Abe, advancin and shakin me warmly by the hand.
" How Vm I ever repay you, sir ? "
li By givin the whole country a good, sound administration.
By poerin' ile upon the troubled waturs, North and South.
By pursooin' a patriotic, firm, and just course, and then if any
State wants to secede, let 'em Sesesh ! "
" How 'bout my Cabinit, Mister Ward? " sed Abe.
" Fill it up with Showmen sir ! Showmen is devoid of pol-
itics. They hain't got any principles. They know how to cater
for the public. They know what the public wants, North <fc
South. Showmen, sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt their lit-
erary ability, look at their posters, and see small bills ! Ef
you want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit fill it up with showmen, but
don't call on me. The moral wax figger perfeshun musn't be
permitted to go down while there's a drop of blood in these
vains ! A. I/mlnn^ I wish you well ! Ef Powers or Walcutt
wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man, I scarcely think
they'd sculp you ; but ef you do the fair thing by your coun-
try you'll make as putty a angel as any of us ! A. Linkin,
use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and
firmly, and all will be well ! A. Linkin, adoo ! "
He shook me cordyully by the hand we exchanged picters,
so we could gaze upon each others' liniments, when far away
from one another he at the helium of the ship of State, and
I at the helium of the show bizniss admittance only 15 cents.
90 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON.
INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON.
NOTWITHSTANDIN I hain't writ much for the papers of late,
nobody needn't flatter theirselves that the undersined is ded.
On the contry, " I still live," which words was spoken by Dan-
yil Webster, who was a able man. Even the old-line whigs of
Boston will admit that. Webster is ded now, howsever, and
his mantle has probly fallen into the hands of sum dealer in
2nd hand close, who can't sell it. Leastways nobody pears to
be goin round wearin it to any perticler extent, now days. The
rigiment of whom 1 was kurnel, finerly concluded they was bet-
ter adapted as Home Gards, which accounts for your not hearin
of me, ear this, where the bauls is the thickest and where the
cannon doth roar. But as a American citizen I shall never
cease to admire the masterly advance our troops made on
Washinton from Bull Run, a short time ago. It was well
dun. I spoke to my wife 'bout it at the time. My wife sed it
was well dun.
It havin there4 bin detarmined to pertect Baklinsville at all
hazzuds, and as there was no apprehensions of any immej it dan-
ger, I thought I would go orf onto a pleasure tower. Accor-
dinly I put on a clean Biled Shirt and started for Washinton.
I went there to see the Prints Napoleon, and not to see the
place, which I will here take occasion to obsarve is about
as uninterestin a locality as there is this side of J. Davis's
future home, if he ever does die, and where I reckon they'll
make it so warm for him that he will si for his summer close.
It is easy enough to see why a man goes to the poor house or
the penitentiary. It's becawz he can't help it. But why he
should woluntarily go and live in Washinton, is intirely beyond
my comprehension, and I can't say no fairer nor that.
I put up to a leadin hotel. I saw the landlord and sed,
How d'ye do, Square ? "
" Fifty cents, sir," was his reply.
INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 91
"Sir?"
" Half-a-dollar. "We charge twenty-five cents for looJdn at
the landlord and fifty cents for speakin to him. If you want
supper, a boy will show you to the dinin room for twenty-five
cents. Your room bein in the tenth story, it will cost you a
dollar to be shown up there."
" How much do you ax for a man breathin in this equinoin-
ikal tarvun ? " sed I.
" Ten cents a Breth," was his reply.
"Washinton hotels is very reasonable in their charges. [!N".
B. This is Sarkassum.]
I sent up my keerd to the Prints, and was immejitly ushered
before him. He received me kindly, and axed me to sit down.
" I hav cum to pay my respecks to you, Mister Napoleon,
hopin I see you hale and harty."
" I am quite well," he sed. " Air you well, sir ? "
" Sound as a cuss \ " I answerd.
He seemed to be pleased with my ways, and we entered into
conversation to onct.
61 How's Lewis ? " I axed, and he sed the Emperor was well.
Eugeny was likewise well, he sed. Then I axed him was Lewis
a good provider? did he cum home arly nites? did lie perfoom
her bedroom at a onseasonable hour with gin and tanzy ? Did
he go to " the Lodge " on nites when there wasn't any Lodge?
did he often hav to go down town to meet a friend ? did he
hav a extensiv acquaintance among poor young widders whose
husbands was in Californy ? to all of which questions the Prints
perlitely replide, givin me to understan that the Emperor was
behavin well.
" I ax these questions, my royal duke and most noble hiness
and imperials, becaws I'm anxious to know how he stands as a
man. I know he's smart. He is cunnin, he is long-heded, he
is deep he is grate. . But onless he is good he'll come down
with a crash one of these days and the Bonyparts will be Bustid
up agin. Bet yer life \ "
" Air you a preacher, sir? " he inquired slitely sarkasticul.
92 INTERVIEW WITH THE PPJNCE NAPOLEON.
ft No, sir. But I bleeve in morality. I likewise bleeve in
Meetin Houses. Show me a place where there isn't any Meetin
Houses and where preachers is never seen, and I'll show you a
place where old hats air stuffed into broken winders, where the
children air dirty and ragged, where gates have no hinges,
where the wimin are slipshod, and where maps of the devil's
fi wild land " air painted upon men's shirt bosums with tobacco-
jooce ! That's what I'll show you. Let us consider what the
preachers do for us before we aboose 'em."
He sed he didn't mean to aboose the clergy. Not at all,
and he was happy to see that I was interested in the Bonyparb
family.
" It's a grate family," sed I. " But they scooped the old
man in."
How, Sir ? "
" Napoleon the Grand. The Britishers scooped him at Water-
loo. He wanted to do too much, arid he did it ! They scooped
him in at Waterloo, and he subsekently died at St. Heleny!
There's where the gratest military man this world ever pro-
juced pegged out. It was rather hard to consine such a man
as him to St, Heleny, to spend his larst days in catchin mack-
eril, and walkin up and down the dreary beach in a military
cloak drawn titely round him, (see picter-books), but so it was.
1 Hed of the Army ! ' Them was his larst words. So he had
bin. He was grate ! Don't I wish we had a pair of his old
boots to command sum of our Brigades ! "
This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by the hand.
" Alexander the Grate was punkins," I continnered, " but
Napoleon was punkinser ! Alic wept becaws there was no
more worlds to scoop, and then took to drinkin. He drown-
did his sorrers in the flowin bole, and the nowin bole was too
much for him. It ginerally is. He undertook to give a snake
exhibition in his boots, but it killed him. That was a bad
joke on Alic ! "
" Since you air so solicitous about France and the Emperor,
INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 93
may I ask you how your own country is getting along ? " sed
Jerome, in a pleasant voice.
" It's mixed," I sed. " But I think we shall cum out all
right."
" Columbus, when he diskivered this magnificent continent,
could hav had no idee of the grandeur it would one day assoom,"
sed the Prints.
<c It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out his
exglorin expedition," sed I. " If he had bin a sensible man
he'd hav put the money in a hoss railroad or a gas company,
and left this magnificent continent to intelligent savages, who
when they got hold of a good thing knew enuff to keep it, and
who wouldn't hav seceded, nor rebelled, nor knockt Liberty in
the hed with a slungshot. Columbus wasn't much of a feller,
after all. It would hav bin money in my pocket if he'd staid
at home. Chris, ment well, but he put his foot in it when he
saled for America."
"We talked sum more about matters and things, and at larst
I riz to go. " I will now say good bye to you, noble sir, and
good luck to you. Likewise the same to Clotildy. Also to
the gorgeous persons which compose your soot. If the Em-
peror's boy don't like livin at the Tooleries, when he gits older,
and would like to imbark in the show bizniss, let him come
with me and I'll make a man of him. You find us sumwhat
mixed, as I before obsarved, but come again next year and
you'll find us clearer nor ever. The American Eagle has lived
too sumptuously of late his stummic becum foul, and he's
takin a slite emetic. That's all. We're gettin ready to strike
a big blow and a sure one. When we do strike the fur will
fly and secession will be in the hands of the undertaker,
sheeted for so deep a grave that nothin short of Gabriel's trom-
bone will ever awaken it ! Mind what I say. You've heard
the showman ! "
Then advisih him to keep away from the Peter Funk auc-
tions of the East, and the proprietors of corner-lots in the
West, I bid him farewell, and went away.
94: AGRICULTURE.
There was a levee at Senator What's-his-name's, and I
thought I'd jine in the festivities for a spell. Who should I
see but she that was Sarah Watkins, now the wife of our Con-
gresser, trippin in the dance, dressed up to kill in her store
close. Sarah's father use to keep a little grosery store in our
town and she used to clerk it for him in busy times. I was
rushiii up to shake hands with her when she turned on her
heel, and tossin her hed in a contemptooius manner, walked
away from me verj 7 - rapid. " Hallo, Sal," I hollered, " can't
you measure me a quart of them best melasses ? I may want
a codfish, also ! " I guess this reminded her of the little red
store, and " the days of her happy childhood."
But I fell in with a nice little gal after that, who was much
sweeter than Sally's father's melasses, and I axed her if we
shouldn't glide in the messy dance. She sed we should, and
we Glode.
I intended to make this letter very seris, but a few goaks
may have accidentally crept in. Never mind. Besides, I
think it improves a koinick paper to publish a goak once in a
while.
Yours Muchly,
WARD, (ARTEMUS.)
AGRICULTURE.
THE Barclay County Agricultural Society having seriously
invited the author of this volume to address them 011 the occa-
sion of their next annual Fair, he wrote the President of that
Society as follows :
NEW YORK, June 12, 1865.
DEAR SIR:
I have the honor to acknowledge the receipt of your letter of
Artemus finds it pleasant strolling about his farm wiili dreNlng-gomi and cigar.
Sec paf/e 95.
AGRICULTURE. 95
the 5th inst., in which you invite me to deliver an address be-
fore your excellent agricultural society.
I feel nattered, and think I will come.
Perhaps, meanwhile, a brief history of my experience as an
agriculturist will be acceptable ; and as that history no doubt
contains suggestions of value to the entire agricultural commu-
nity, I have concluded to write to you -through the Press.
I have been an honest old farmer for some four years.
My farm is in the interior of Maine. Unfortunately my
lands are eleven miles from the railroad. Eleven miles is
quite a distance to haul immense quantities of wheat, corn, rye,
and oats ; but as I hav'n't any to haul, I do not, after all, suf-
fer much on that account.
My farm is more especially a grass farm.
My neighbors told me so at first, and as an evidence that
they were sincere in that opinion, they turned their cows on to
it the moment I went off " lecturing."
These cows are now quite fat. I take pride in these cows,
in fact, and am glad I own a grass farm.
Two years ago I tried sheep-raising.
I bought fifty lambs, and turned them loose on my broad
and beautiful acres.
It was pleasant on bright mornings to stroll leisurely out on
to the farm in my dressing-gown, with a cigar in my mouth,
and watch those innocent little lambs as they danced gayly o'er
the hill-side. Watching their saucy capers reminded me of
caper sauce, and it occurred to me I should have some very
fine eating when they grew up to be (( muttons."
My gentle shepherd, Mr. Eli Perkins, said, " We must have
Borne shepherd dogs."
I had no very precise idea as to what shepherd dogs were,
but I assumed a rather profound look, and said,
"We must, Eli. I spoke to you about this some time
ago ! "
I wrote to my old friend, Mr. Dexter H. Follett, of Boston,
for two shepherd dogs. Mr. F. is not an honest old farmer
96 AGRICULTURE.
himself, but I thought he knew about shepherd dogs. He
kindly forsook far more important business to accommodate,
and the dogs came forthwith. They were splendid creatures
snuff-colored, hazel-eyed, long-tailed, and shapely-jawed.
We led them proudly to the fields.
" Turn them in, Eli," I said.
Eli turned them in.
They went in at once, and killed twenty of my best lambs in
about four minutes and a half.
My friend had made a trifling mistake in the breed of these
dogs.
These dogs were not partial to sheep.
Eli Perkins was astonished, and observed :
" Waal ! did you ever ? "
I certainly never had.
There were pools of blood on the greensward, and fragments
of wool and raw lamb chops lay round in confused heaps.
The dogs would have been sent to Boston that night, had
they not suddenly died that afternoon of a throat-distemper.
It wasn't a swelling of the throat. It wasn't diphtheria. It
was a violent opening of the throat, extending from ear to ear.
Thus closed their life-stories. Thus ended their interesting
tails.
I failed as a raiser of lambs. As a sheepist, I was not a
success.
Last summer Mr. Perkins said, " I think we'd better cut
some grass this season, sir."
We cut some grass.
To me the new-mown hay is very sweet and nice. The
brilliant George Arnold sings about it, in beautiful verse, down
in Jersey every summer ; so does the brilliant Aldrich, at
Portsmouth, N. H. And yet I doubt if either of these men
knows the price of a ton of hay to-day. But new-mown hay
is a really fine thing. It is good for man and beast.
We hired four honest farmers to assist us, and I led them
gayly to the meadows.
AGRICULTURE. 97
I was going to mow, myself.
I saw the sturdy peasants go round once ere I dipped my
flashing scythe into the tall green grass.
" Are you ready ? " said E. Perkins.
I am here ! "
" Then follow ns."
I followed them.
Followed them rather too closely, evidently, for a white-
haired old man, who immediately followed Mr. Perkins, called
upon us to halt. Then in a low firm voice he said to his son,
who was just ahead of me, "John, change places with me. I
hain't got long to live, anyhow. Yonder berryin' ground will
soon have these old bones, and it's no matter whether I'm car-
ried there with one leg off and ter'ble gashes in the other or
not ! But you, John you are young."
The old man changed places with his son. A smile of calm
resignation lit up his wrinkled face, as he said, " Now, sir, I
am ready ! "
" What mean you, old man ? " I said.
11 1 mean that if you continner to bran'ish that blade as you
have been bran'ishin' it, you'll slash h out of some of us
before we're a hour older ! "
There was some reason mingled with this white-haired old
peasant's profanity. It was true that I had twice escaped
mowing off his son's legs, and his father was perhaps naturally
alarmed.
I went and sat down under a tree. " I never know'd a lit-
erary man in my life," I overheard the old man say, " that
know'd anything."
Mr. Perkins was not as valuable to me this season as I had
fancied he might be. Every .afternoon he disappeared from
the field regularly, and remained about some two hours. He
said it was headache. He inherited it from his mother. His
mother was often taken in that way, and suffered a great
deal.
At the end of the two hours Mr. Perkins would reappear
98 AGRICULTURE.
with his head neatly done up in a large wet rag, and say he
"felt better."
One afternoon it so happened that I soon followed the in-
valid to the house, and as I neared the porch I heard a female
voice energetically observe, " You stop ! " It was the voice
of the hired girl, and she added, " I'll holler for Mr. Brown ! "
" Oh no, Nancy," I heard the invalid E. Perkins soothingly
say, " Mr. Brown knows I love you. Mr. Brown approves of
it!"
This was pleasant for Mr. Brown !
I peered cautiously through the kitchen-blinds, and, how-
ever unnatural it may appear, the lips of Eli Perkins and my
hired girl were very near together. She said, " You shan't do
so," and he do-soed. She also said she would get right up and
go away, arid as an evidence that she was thoroughly in earnest
about it, she remained where she was.
They are married now, and Mr. Perkins is troubled no more
with the headache.
This year we are planting corn. Mr. Perkins writes me
that " on accounts of no skare krows bein put up krows cum
and digged fust crop up but soon got nother in. Old Bisbee
ho was frade youd cut his sons leggs of Ses you bet go an
stan up in feeld yrself with dressin gownd on & gesses krows
will keep way. this made Boys in store larf. no More ter-
day from
Yours
" respecful
'* ELI PERKINS,
" his letter,"
My friend Mr, D. T. T. Moore, of the Rural New Yorker,
thinks if I " keep on " I will get in the Poor House in about
two years.
If you think the honest old farmers of Barclay County want
me, I will come.
Truly Yours,
CHARLES F. BROWNE.
BUSTS. 99
BUSTS.
THERE are in this city several Italian gentlemen engaged in
the bust business. They have their peculiarities and eccen-
tricities. They are swarthy-faced, wear slouched caps and
drab pea-jackets, and smoke bad cigars. They make busts of
Webster, Clay, Bonaparte, Douglas, and other great men, liv-
ing and dead. The Italian buster comes upon you solemnly
and cautiously. " Buy Napo-leon? " he will say, and you may
probably answer "not a buy." "How much giv-ee ? " he
asks, and perhaps you will ask him how much he wants.
" Nine dollar," he will answer always. We are sure of it.
We have observed this peculiarity in the busters frequently.
No matter how large or small the bust may be, the first price
is invariably " nine dollar." If you decline paying this price,
as you undoubtedly will if you are right in your head, he again
asks, il how much giv-ee?" By way of a joke you say " a
dollar," when the buster retreats indignantly to the door, say-
ing in a low, wild voice, " O dam ! " With bis hand upon the
door-latch, he turns and once more asks, "how much giv-ee?"
You repeat the previous offer, when he mutters, " O ha ! "
then coming pleasantly towards you, he speaks thus : " Say !
how much giv-ee ? " Again you say a dollar, and he cries,
** take 'um take 'um ! " thus falling eight dollars on Ms
original price.
Very eccentric is the Italian buster, and sometimes he calls
his busts by wrong names. We bought Webster (he called
him Web-STAR) of him the other day, and were astonished
when he called upon us the next day with another bust of
Webster, exactly like the one we had purchased of him, and
asked us if we didn't want to buy " Cole, the wife-pizener ! "
We endeavored to rebuke the depraved buster, but our utter-
ance was choked, and we could only gaze upon him in speech-
less astonishment and indignation.
100 A HARD CASE.
A HAED CASE.
WE have heard of some very hard cases since we have en-
livened this world with our brilliant presence. We once saw
an able-bodied man chase a party of little school-children and
rob them of their dinners. The man who stole the coppers
from his deceased grandmother's eyes lived in our neighborhood,
and we have read about the man who went to church for the sole
purpose of stealing the testaments and hymn-books. But the
hardest case we ever heard of lived in Arkansas. He was only
fourteen years old. One night he deliberately murdered his
father and mother in cold blood, with a meat-axe. He was
tried and found guilty. The Judge drew on his black cap, and
in a voice choked with emotion asked the young prisoner if he
had anything to say before the sentence of the Court was passed
on him. The court-room was densely crowded and there was
not a dry eye in the vast assembly. The youth of the prisoner,
his beauty and innocent looks, the mild, lamblike manner in
which he had conducted himself during the trial all, all had
thoroughly enlisted the sympathy of the spectators, the ladies in
particular. And even the Jury, who had found it to be their
stern duty to declare him guilty of the appalling crime even the
Jury now wept aloud at this awful moment. " Have you any-
thing to say ? " repeated the deeply moved Judge. " Why, no,"
replied the prisoner, <C I think I haven't, though I hope yer
Honor will show some consideration FOR THE FEELINGS OF A
roon ORPHAN ! " The Judge sentenced the perfect young wretch
without delay.
AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN. 101
AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN.
IT isn't every one who has a village green to write about. I
have one, although I have not seen much of it for some years
past. I am back again, now. In the language of the duke
who went around with a motto about him, " I am here ! " and I
fancy 1 am about as happy a peasant of the vale as ever gar-
nished a melodrama, although I have not as yet danced on my
village green, as the melo-dramatic peasant usually does on his.
It was the case when Rosina Meadows left home.
The time rolls by serenely now so serenely that I don't
care what time it is. which is fortunate, because my watch is at
present in the hands of those " men of New York who are
called rioters." We met by chance, the usual way certainly
not by appointment and I brought the interview to a close
with all possible despatch. Assuring them that I wasn't Mr.
Greeley, particularly, and that he had never boarded in the pri-
vate family where I enjoy the comforts of a home, I tendered
them my watch, and begged they would distribute it judiciously
among the laboring classes, as I had seen the rioters styled in
certain public prints.
"Why should I loiter feverishly in Broadway, stabbing the
hissing hot air with the splendid goldheaded cane that was pre-
sented to me by the citizens of Waukegan, Illinois, as a slight
testimonial of their esteem ? Why broil in my rooms ? You
said to me, Mrs. Gloverson, when I took possession of those
rooms, that no matter how warm it might be, a breeze had a
way of blowing into them, and that they were, withal, quite
countryfied ; but I am bound to say, Mrs. Gloverson, that there
was nothing about them that ever reminded me, in the remotest
degree, of daisies or new-mown hay. Thus, with sarcasm, do I
smash the deceptive Gloverson.
Why stay in New York when I had a village green ? I gave
102 AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN.
it up, tlio samo a3 I would an intricate conundrum and, in
short, I am here.
Do I miss the glare and crash of the imperial thoroughfare ?
the milkman, the fiery, untamed omnibus horses, the soda foun-
tains, Central Park, and those things ? Yes, I do ; and I can go
on, missing 'em for quite a spell, and enjoy it.
The village from which I write to you is small. It does not
contain over forty houses, all told ; but they are milk-white, with
the greenest of blinds, and for the most part are shaded with
beautiful elms and willows. To the right of us is a mountain to
the left a lake. The village nestles between. Of course it does.
I never read a novel in my life in which the villages didn't nestle.
Villages invariably nestle. It is a kind of way they have.
We are away from the cars. The iron-horse, as my little sis-
ter aptly remarks in her composition On Nature, is never heard
to shriek in our midst ; and 011 the whole I am glad of it.
The villagers are kindly people. They are rather incoherent
on the subject of the war, but not more so, perhaps, than are
people elsewhere. One citizen, who used to sustain a good
character, subscribed for the Weekly iSTcw York Herald a few
months since, and went to studying the military maps in that
well-known journal for the fireside. I need not inform you
that his intellect now totters, and he has mortgaged his farm.
In a literary point of view we are rather bloodthirsty. A pam-
phlet edition of the life of a cheerful being, who slaughtered his
wife and child, and then finished himself, is having an extensive
sale just now.
We know little of Honore de Balzac, and perhaps care less
for Victor Hugo. M. Clacs's grand search for the Absolute
doesn't thrill us in the least ; and Jean Valjean, gloomily pick-
ing his way through the sewers of Paris, with the spooney young
man of the name of Marius upon his back, awakens no interest
in our breasts. I say Jean Valjean picked his way gloomily,
and I repeat it. No man, under those circumstances, could
have skipped gayly. But this literary business, as the gentle-
AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN. ^103
mn.n who married his colored chambermaid aptly observed, " is
simply a matter of taste."
Tho store I must not forget the store. Tt is an object of
great interest to me. I usually encounter there, on sunny
afternoons, an old Revolutionary soldier. You may possibly
have read about (i Another Revolutionary Soldier gone," but
this is one who hasn't gone, and, moreover, one who doesn't
manifest the slightest intention of going. He distinctly re-
members Washington, of course ; they all do ; but what I wish
to call special attention to, is the fact that this Revolutionary
soldier is one hundred years old, that his eyes are so good that
he can read fine print without spectacles he never used them,
by the way and his mind is perfectly clear. He is a little
shaky in one of his legs, but otherwise he is as active as most
men of forty-five, and his general health is excellent. He uses
no tobacco, but for the last twenty years he has drunk one glass
of liquor every day no more, no less. He says he must have
his tod. I had begun to have lurking suspicions about this
Revolutionary soldier business, but here is an original Jacobs.
But because a man can drink a glass of liquor a day, and live
to be a hundred years old, my young readers must not infer
that by drinking two glasses of liquor a day a man can live to
be two hundred. " Which, I meanter say, it doesn't follor,"
as Joseph Gargery might observe.
This store, in which may constantly be found calico and
nails, and fish, and tobacco in kegs, and snuff in bladders, is a
venerable establishment. As long ago as 1814 it was an insti-
tution. The county troops, on their way to the defence of
Portland, then menaced by British ships-of-war, were drawn up
in front of this very store, and treated at the town's expense.
Citizens will tell you how the clergyman refused to pray for the
troops, because he considered the war an unholy one ; and how
a somewhat eccentric person, of dissolute habits, volunteered
his services, stating that he once had an uncle who was a dea-
con, and he thought he could make a tolerable prayer, although
it was rather out of his line ; and how he prayed so long and
104: AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN.
absurdly that the Colonel ordered him under arrest, but that
even while soldiers stood over him with gleaming bayonets, the
reckless being sang a preposterous song about his grandmother's
spotted calf, with its Ri-fol-lol-tiddery-i-do ; after which he
howled dismally.
And speaking of the store, reminds me of a little story. The
author of te several successful comedies " has been among us, and
the store was anxious to know who the stranger was. And
therefore the store asked him.
" What do you follow, sir ? " respectfully inquired the trades-
man.
" I occasionally write for the stage, sir."
" Oh ! " returned the tradesman, in a confused manner.
"He means," said an honest villager, with a -desire to help
the puzzled tradesman out, " he means that he writes the hand-
bills for the stage drivers ! "
I believe that story is new, although perhaps it is not of an
uproariously mirthful character ; but one hears stories at the
store that are old enough, goodness knows stories which, no
doubt, diverted Methuselah in the sunny days of his giddy and
thoughtless boyhood.
There is an exciting scene at the store occasionally. Yester-
day an athletic peasant, in a state of beer, smashed in a coun-
ter and emptied two tubs of butter on the floor. His father
a white-haired old man, who was a little boy when the Revolu-
tionary war closed, but who doesn't remember Y/ashington
much, came round in the evening and settled for the damages.
' My son," he said, " has considerable originality." I will
mention that this same son once told me that he could lick me
with one arm tied behind him, and I was so thoroughly satisfied
he could, that I told him he needn't mind going for a rope.
Sometimes I go a-visiting to a farm-house, on which occasions
the parlor is opened. The windows have been close-shut ever
since the last visitor was there, and there is a dingy smell that
I struggle as calmly as possible with, until 1 am led to the ban-
quet of steaming hot biscuit and custard pie. If they Avould
AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GEEEN. 105
only let me sit in the dear old-fashioned kitchen, or on the door-
stone if they knew how dismally the new black furniture
looked but, never mind, I am not a reformer. No, I should
rather think not.
Gloomy enough, this living on a farm, you perhaps say, in
which case you are wrong. 1 can't exactly say that I pant to
be an agriculturist, but I do know that in the main it is an in-
dependent, calmly happy sort of life. I can see how the prosper-
ous farmer can go joyously a-field with the rise of the sun, and
how his heart may swell with pride over bounteous harvests
and sleek oxen. And it must be rather jolly for him on win-
ter evenings to sit before the bright kitchen fire and watch his
rosy boys and girls as they study out the charades in the weekly
paper, and gradually find out why my first is something that
grows in a garden, and my second is a fish.
On the green hillside over yonder there is a quivering of
snowy drapery, and bright hair is flashing in the morning sun-
light. It is recess, and the Seminary girls are running in the
tall grass.
A goodly seminary to look at outside, certainly, although I
am pained to learn, as I do on unprejudiced authority, that
Mrs. Higgins, the Principal, is a tyrant, who seeks to crush
the girls and trample upon them; but my sorrow is somewhat
assuaged by learning that Skimmerhorn, the pianist, is perfect-
ly splendid.
Looking at these girls reminds me that I, too, was once
young and where are the friends of my youth ? I have found
one of 'em, certainly. I saw him ride in the circus the other
day on a bareback horse, and even now his name stares at me
from yonder board-fence, in green, and blue, and red, and yel-
low letters. Dashington, the youth with whom I used to read
the able orations of Cicero, and who, as a declaimer on exhibi-
tion days, used to wipe the rest of us boys pretty handsomely
out well, Dashington is identified with the halibut and cod
interest drives a fish cart, in fact, from a certain town on
the coast, back into the interior. Hurbertson, the utterly
106 AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN.
stupid boy the lunkhead, who never had his lesson he's
about the ablest lawyer a sister State can boast. Mills is a
newspaper man, and is just now editing a Major-General down
South.
Singlinson, the sweet-voiced boy, whose face was always
washed and who was real good, and who was never rude lie
is in the penitentiary for putting his uncle's autograph to a fi-
nancial document. Hawkins, the clergyman's son, is an actor,
and Williamson, the good little boy who divided his bread and
butter with the beggar-man, is a failing merchant, and makes
money by it. Tom Slink, who used to smoke short-sixes and
get acquainted with the little circus boys, is popularly supposed
to be the proprietor of a cheap gaming establishment in Boston,
where the beautiful but uncertain prop is nightly tossed. Be
sure, the Army is represented by many of the friends of my
youth, the most of whom have given a good account of them-
selves. But Chalinerson hasn't done much. No, Chalmerson
is rather of a failure. He plays on the guitar and sings love
songs. Not that he is a bad man. A kinder-hearted crea-
ture never lived, and they say he hasn't yet got over crying
for his little curly haired sister who died ever so long ago. But
he knows nothing about business, politics, the world, and those
things. He is dull at trade, indeed, it is a common remark
that " everybody cheats Chalmerson." He came to the party
the other evening, and brought his guitar. They wouldn't have
him for a tenor in the opera, certainly, for he is shaky in his up-
per notes ; but if his simple melodies didn't gush straight from
the heart, why were my trained eyes wet ? And although some
of the girls giggled, and some of the men seemed to pity him, I
could not help fancying that poor Chalmerson was nearer heav-
en than any of us all !
T II
WAE.
THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED.
You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these
many dase gone and past. Perchans you sposed I'd gone to
the Tomb of the Cappylets, tho I don't know what those is.
It's a popler noospaper frase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here I've been
among the Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by my legitimit
perfeshun, and havn't had no time to weeld my facile quill for
"the Grate Komick paper," if you'll alow me to kote from
your troothful advertisement.
My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrer scape of
my life. If what I've bin threw is " Suthern hosspitality,"
'bout wliich we've hearn so much, then I feel bound to obsarve
that they made two much of me. They was altogether too
lavish with their attenshuns.
I went amung the Seseshers with no feelins of annermosity.
I went in my perfeshernal capacity. I was actooated by one
of the most Loftiest desires which can swell the human Buz-
zum, viz. : to giv the peeple their money's worth, by showin
them Sagashus Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to
say air onsurpast by any other statoots anywheres. I wDl not
(107)
108 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED.
call that man who sez my statoots is humbugs a Her and a hoss
thief, but bring him be4 me and I'll wither him with one of
my scornful frowns.
But to proseed with my tail. In my travels threw the
Sonny South I heared a heap of talk about Seceshon and bust-
in up the Union, but I didn't think it mounted to nothin.
The politicians in all the villages was swearin that Old Abe
(sometimes called the Prahayrie flower) shouldn't never be
noggerated. They also made fools of theirselves in varis ways,
but as they was used to that I didn't let it worry me much,
and the Stars and Stripes continued for to wave over my little
tent. Moor over, I was a Son of Malty and a member of sev-
eral other Temperance Societies, and my wife she was a Daw-
ter of Malty, an I sposed these fax would secoor me the in-
floonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. Alas ! I was
dispinted. State arter State seseshed and it growed hotter and
hotter for the undersined. Things came to a clinibmacks in a
small town in Alabamy, where I was premtorally ordered to
haul down the Stars & Stripes. A deppytashun of red-faced
men cum up to the door of my tent ware I was standin takin
money (the arternoon exhibishun had commenst, an' my Italy nn
organist was jerkin his sole-stir rin chimes.) " We air cum,
Sir," said a millingtary man in a cockt hat, " upon a hi and
holy mishun. The Southern Eagle is screamin threvvout this
sunny land proudly and defiantly screamin, Sir ! "
" What's the matter with him? " sez I ; "don't his vittles sit
well on his stummick ? "
(t That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all over this
Brite and tremenjus land ! "
(l Wall, let him scream. If your Eagle can amuse hisself
by screamin, let him went ! " The men anoyed me, for I was
Bizzy rnakin change.
" We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of dooty "
l( You're right, Capting. It's every man's dooty to visit rny
show," sed I.
11 We air cum "
"I WAS CEASED AND TIED TO A STUMP." [See Page 10D.1
THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 109
" And that's the reason you are here ! " sez I, larfin one of
my silvery larfs. I thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv him
sum of my sparklin eppygrams.
" Sir, you're inseiient. The plain question is, will you haul
down the Star-Spangled Banner, and hist the Southern flag ! "
" Nary hist ! " Those was my reply.
" Your wax works and beests is then connsticated, & you air
arrested as a Spy ! "
Sez I, " My fragrant roses of the Southern clime and
Bloomin daffodils, what's the price of Avhisky in this town,
and how many cubic feet of that seductive flooid can you in-
dividooally hold?"
They made no reply to that, but said my wax figgers was
connsticated. I axed them if that was ginerally the stile among
thieves in that country, to which they also made no reply,
but sed I was arrested as a Spy, and must go to Montgomry in
iuns. They was by this time jined by a large crowd of other
Southern patrits, who commenst hollerin u Hang the bald-
headed aberlitionist, and bust up his immoral exhibition ! "
I was ceased and tied to a stump, and the crowd went for my
tent that v^ater-proof pavilion, wherein instruction and
amoosment had been so muchly combined, at 15 cents per head
and tore it all to pieces. Meanwhile dirty-faced boys was
throwin stuns and empty beer bottles at my massiv brow, and
takin other improper liberties with my person. Resistance
was useless, for a variety of reasons, as I readily obsarved.
The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smashin them to
attums. They then went to my money box and confisticated
all the loose change therein contaned. They then went and
bust in my cages, lettin all the animils loose, a small but
helthy tiger among the rest* This tiger has a excentric way of
tearin dogs to peaces, and I allers sposed from his giner.il con-
duck that he'd hav no hesitashun in servin human beins in the
same way if he could git at them. Excuse me if I was crooil,
but I larfed boysterrusly when I see that tiger spring in among
the people. " Go it, my sweet cuss ! " I inardly exclaimed*
110 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED.
" I forgive you for bitin off iny left tlium with all my heart !
Kip 'em up like a bully tiger whose Lare has bin in waded
by Seseshers ! "
I can't 'say for certain that the tiger serisly injured any of
them, but as he was seen a few days after, sum miles distant,
with a large and well selected assortment of seats of trow sis in
his mouth, and as he lookt as tho he'd bin havin sum vilent
exercise, I rayther guess he did. You will therefore perceive
that they didn't confisticate him much.
I was carrid to Montgomry in iuns and placed in durans
vial. The jail was a ornery edifiss, but the table was librally
surplied with Bakin an Cabbidge. This was a good variety,
for when I didn't hanker after Bakin I could help myself to
the cabbige.
I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about, howsever,
and I was very lonely, specially on the first day ; so when the
jailer parst my lonely sell I put the few stray hairs 011 the
back part of my hed (I'm bald now, but thare was a time
when I wore sweet auburn ringlets) into as dish-hevild a state
as possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I cride : " Stay,
jaler, stay ! I am not mad, but soon shall be if you don't bring
me suthin to Talk ! " He brung me sum noospapers, for
which I thanked him kindly.
At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, the Presi-
dent of the Southern Conthieveracy. He was quite perlite,
and axed me to sit down and state my case. I did it, when he
larfed and said his gallunt men had been a little 2 enthoosias-
tic in confisticatin my show.
" Yes," sez I, " they confisticated me too muchly. I had
sum hosses confisticated in the same way onct, but the confisti-
caters air now poundin stun in the States Prison in Injinnap-
ylus."
" Wall, wall, Mister Ward, you air at liberty to depart ; you
air frendly to the South, I know. Even now we hav many
frens in the North, who sympathise with us, and won't mingle
with this fight."
THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. Ill
(t J. Davis, there's your grate mistaik. Many of us was your
sincere frends, and thought certin parties amung us was fussin
about you and meddlin with your consarns intirely too much.
But J. Davis, the minit you tire a gun at the piece of dry-goods
called the Star-Spangled banner, the North gits up and rises en
massy, in defence of that banner. Not agin you as individooals,
not agin the South even but to save the flag. We should
indeed be weak in the knees, unsound in the heart, milk-white
in the liver, and soft in the hed, if we stood quietly by, and
saw this glorus Govyment smashed to pieces, either by a fur-
rin or a intestine foe. The gentle-harted mother hates to take
her naughty child across her knee, but she knows it is her
dooty to do it. So we shall hate to whip the naughty South,
but we must do it if you don't make back tracks at onct, and
we shall wallop you out of your boots ! J. Davis, it is my de-
cided opinion that the Sonny South is makin a egrejus mutton-
hed of herself ! "
" Go on, sir, you're safe enuff. You're too small powder for
me ! " sed the President of the Southern Conthieveracy.
" Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsville Mount-
ed IIoss Cavalry ! I'm Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J.
Davis, beware ! Jefferson D., I now leave you ! Farewell my
gay Saler Boy ! Good bye, my bold buccaneer ! Pirut of the
deep blue sea, adoo ! adoo ! "
My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on my way
home was thrillin enuff for yeller covers. It will form the
subjeck of my next. Betsy Jane and the projeny air well.
Yours respectively,
A. WARD.
112 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE.
THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE.
I HAD a narrer scape from the sonny South. " The swings
and arrers of outrajus fortin," alluded to by Hamlick, warn't
nothin in comparison to my trubles. I come pesky near
swearin sum profane oaths more'n onct, but I hope I didn't do
it, for I've promist she whose name shall be nameless (except
that her initials is Betsy J.) that I'll jine the Meetin House at
Baldinsville, jest as soon as I can scrape money cnuff together
so I can 'ford to be piuss in good stile, like my welthy nabers.
But if I'm confisticated agin I'm fraid I shall continner on in
my present benited state for sum time.
I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in my tower
from Montgomry to my humsted, and on sevril occasions I
thought " the grate komick paper " wouldn't be inrichecl no
more with my lubrications. Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson. D.
I started for the depot. I saw a nigger sittin on a fence a-
playin on a banjo, c< My Afrikan Brother," sed I, coting from
a Track I onct red, (i you belong to a very interestin race.
Your masters is goin to war excloosively on your account."
" Yes, boss," he replied, " an' I wish 'em honorable graves ! "
and he went on playin the banjo, larfin all over and openiii his
mouth wide eiiuff to drive in an old-fashioned 2 wheeled chaise.
The train of cars in which I was to trust my wallerable life
was the scaliest, rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that I ever
saw on wheels afore. " What time does this string of second-
hand coffins leave ? " 1 inquired of the depot master. He sed
direckly, and I went in & sot down. I hadn't more'n fairly
squatted afore a dark lookin man with a swinister expression
onto his countenance entered the cars, and lookin very sharp
at me, he axed what was my principles ?
" Secesh ! " I ansered. " I'm a Dissoluter. I'm in favor of
Jeff Davis, Bowregard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard, Munro
Edards, the devil, Mrs. Cunningham and all the rest of 'em."
THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 113
" You're in favor of the war ? "
(( Certingly. By all means. I'm in favor of this war and
also of the next war. I've been in favor of the next war for
over sixteen years ! "
" War to the knife ! " sed the man.
" Blud, Eargo, Blud ! " sed I, tho them words isn't orrigernal
with me. Them words was rit by Shakspeare, who is ded.
His mantle fell onto the author of " The Seven Sisters," who's
goin to hav a Spring overcoat made out of it.
We got under way at larst, an' proceeded on our jerney at
about the rate of speed which is giro-ally obsarved by properly-
conducted funeral processions. A hansum yung gal, with a
reel musketer bar on the back side of her hed, and a sassy little
black hat tipt over her forrerd, sot in the seat with me. She
wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat, and she was a goin
for to see her troo love, who had jined the Southern army, all
so bold and gay. So she told me. She was chilly and I offered
her my blanket.
" Father livin?" I axed.
" Yes sir."
" Got any Uncles ? "
" A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho."
" Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to him ! I
will be your Uncle Thomas ! Lean on me, my pretty Secesher,
and linger in Blissful repose ! " She slept as secoorly as in
her own housen, and didn't disturb the sollum stillness of the
night with 'ary snore !
At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and
inquired if " Old Wax Works " was on bored. That was the
disrespectiv stile in which they referred to me. " Becawz if
Old Wax Works is on bored," sez a man with a face like a
double-brested lobster, " we're going to hang Old Wax Works ! "
" My illustrious and patriotic Bummers ! " sez I, a gittin up
and takin orf my Shappo, " if you allude to A. Ward, it's my
pleasin dooty to inform you that he's ded. lie saw the error
of his ways at 15 minits parst 2 yesterday, and stabbed hisself
114 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE.
with, a stuffed sled-stake, dyin in five beautiful tabloos to slow
moosic ! His larst words was : ' My perfesherual career is
over ! I jerk no more ! ' '
"And who be you?"
" I'm a stoodent in Senater Benjamin's law offiss. I'm
going up North to steal some spoons and things for the South-
ern Army."
This was satisfactry and the intossicated troopers went ovf.
At the next station the pretty little Secesher awoke and sod
she must git out there. I bid her a kind adoo and giv her
sum pervisions. " Accept my blessiii and this hunk of ginger-
bred ! " I sed. She thankt me muchly and tript galy away.
There's considerable human nater in a man, and I'm fraid I
shall allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he curns to me
in the shape of a nice young gal.
At the next station I didn't get orf so easy. I was dragged
out of the cars and rolled in the mud for several minits, for
the purpose of " takin the conseet out of me," as a Secesher
kindly stated.
I was let up finally, when a powerful large Secesher came
up and embraced me, and to show that he had 110 hard feelins
agin me, put his nose into my mouth. I returned the com-
pliment by placin my stummick suddenly agin his right foot,
when he kindly made a spittoon of his able-bodied face. Ac-
tooated by a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxi-
nated I then fastened my teeth onto his left coat-sleeve and
tore it to the shoulder. We then vilently bunted our heads
together for a few miiiits, danced around a little, and sot down
in a mud puddle. We riz to our feet agin & by a sudden and
adroit movement I placed my left eye agin the Secesher \s list.
We then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a t\vo-
hoss wagon. I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about
gettin up agin, but the man said he reckoned I'd better, and I
conclooded I would. He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin 011
my feet more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit
me in the hed. The crowd sed it was high old sport, but I
THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 115
couldn't zackly see where the lafture come in. I riz and we
embraced agin. We careered madly to a steep bank, when I
got the upper hands of my antaggirnist and threw him into
the raveen. He fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone
pretty hard. I understood he was injured. I haven't heard
from the grindstone.
A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a
apology was doo me. There was a mistake. The crowd had
taken me for another man ! I told him not to mention it,
and axed him if his wife and little ones was so as to be about,
and got on bored the train, which had stopped at that station
" 20 minits for refreshments." I got all I wantid. It was the
hardest meal I ever et.
I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire crack-
ers bein tied to my coat tales. It was a fine spectycal in a
dramatic pint of view, but I didn't enjoy it. I had other ad-
venters of a startlin kind, but why continner ? Why lasserate
the Public Boozum with these here- things? Suffysit to say I
got across Mason & Dixie's line safe at last. I made tracks
for my humsted, but she to whom I'm harnist for life failed to
recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before her, the
gnshin youth of forty -six summers who had left her only a few
months afore. But I went into the pantry, and brought out a
certin black bottle. Raisin it to my lips, I sed " Here's to
you, old gal ! " I did it so natral that she knowed me at once.
" Those form ! Them voice ! That natral stile of doin things !
'Tis he ! " she cried, and rushed into my arms. It was too
much for her & she fell into a swoon. I cum very near swound-
iii myself.
No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union,
and the bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her present
bad fix.
116 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION".
FOUBTH OF JULY OBATION.
DELIVERED JULY 4TH, AT WEATHERSFIELD, CONNECTICUT, 1859.
[I delivered the follerin, about two years ago, to a large and discriminating awjince.
I was 98 minits passin a given pint. I have revised the orashun, and added sum things
which makes it approposser to the times than it otherwise would be. I have also cor-
rected the grammers and punktooated it. I do my own punktooatin now days. The
Printers in VAKITY FAIR offiss can't punktooate worth a cent.]
FELLER CITIZENS : I've bin honored with a invite to norate
before you to-day ; and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to
the task, I'm sure you will believe me.
\Veathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins and patrit-
ism the world over, and to be axed to paws and address you on
this my fust perfeshernal tower threw New Englan, causes me
to feel to feel I may say it causes me to feel. (Grate ap-
plaws. They thought this was one of my eccentricities, while
the fact is I was stuck. This between you and I.)
I'm a plane man. I don't know nothin about no ded lan-
guages and am a little shaky on livin ones. There4, expect no
flowry talk from me. What I shall say will be to the pint,
right strate out.
I'm not a politician and my other habits air good. I've no
encmys to reward, nor friends to sponge. But I'm a Union
man. I luv the Union it is a Big thing and it makes my
hart bleed to see a lot of ornery peple a-movin heaven no, not
heaven, but the other place and earth, to bust it up. Too
much good blud was spilt in courtin and marryin that hily re-
spectable female the Goddess of Liberty, to git a divorce from
her now. My own State of Injianny is celebrated for unhitchin
man-id peple with neatness and dispatch, but you can't git a
divorce from the Goddess up there. Not by no means. The
old gal has behaved herself too well to cast her off now. I'm
sorry the picters don't give her no shoes or stockins, but the
MR. WARD DELIVERING ins GREAT UNION* SPEECH. (".Sec
11 '> 1
FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 117
band of stars upon her lied must continner to shine undimd,
forever. I'm for the Union as she air, and withered be the
arm of every ornery cuss who attempts to bust her up. That's
me. I hav sed ! [It was a very sweaty day, and at this pint
of the orashun a man fell down with sunstroke. I told the
awjince that considerin the large number of putty gals present
I was more afraid of a DAWTER STROKE. This was impromptoo,
and seemed to amoose them very much.]
Feller Citizens I hain't got time to notis the growth of
Ameriky frum the time when the Mayflowers cum over in the
Pilgrim and brawt Plymmuth Bock with them, but every skool
boy nose our kareer has bin tremenjis. You will excuse me if
I don't prase the erly settlers of the Kolonies. Peple which
hung idiotic old wimin for witches, burnt holes in Quakers'
tongues and consined their feller critters to the tredmill and
pillery on the slitest provocashun may hav bin very nice folks
in their way, but I must confess I don't admire their stile, and
will pass them by. I spose they ment well, and so, in the novel
and techin langwidge of the nusepapers, " peas to their ashis."
Thare was no diskount, however, on them brave men who fit,
bled and died in the American Revolushun. "We needn't be
afraid of setting 'em up two steep. Like my show, they will
stand any amount of prase. G. Washington was abowt the
best man this world ever sot eyes on. He was a clear-heded,
warm-harted, and stiddy goin man. He never slopt over!
The prevailin weakness of most public men is to SLOP
OVER ! [Put them words in large letters A. W.] They
git filled up and slop. They Rush Things. They travel too
much on the high presher principle. They git on to the fust
poplar hobbyhoss whitch trots along, not carin a sent whether
the beest is even goin, clear sited and sound or spavined, blind
and bawky. Of course they git throwed eventooally, if not
sooner. When they see the multitood goin it blind they go
Pel Mel with it, instid of exertin theirselves to set it right.
They can't see that the crowd which is now bearin them tri-
umfantly on its shoulders will soon diskiver its error and cast
118 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION.
them into the hoss pond of Oblivyun, without the slitest hesi-
tashun. Washington never slopt over. That wasn't George's
stile. He luved his country dearly. He wasn't after the
spiles. He was a human angil in a 3 koriierd hat and knee
britches, and we shan't see his like right away. My frends,
we can't all be Washington's, but we kin all be patrits & behave
ourselves in a human and a Christian manner. When we see
a brother goin down hill to Ruin let us not give him a push,
but let us seeze rite hold of his coat-tails and draw him back
to Morality.
Imagine G. Washington and P. Henry in the character of
seseshers ! As well fancy John Bunyan and Dr. Watts in
spangled tites, doin the trapeze in a one-horse circus !
I tell you, feller-citizens, it would have bin ten dollars in
Jeff Davis's pocket if he'd never bin born !
* * * * * * *
Be shure and vote at leest once at all elecshuns. Buckle on
yer armer and go to the Poles. See two it that your naber is
there. See that the kripples air provided with carriages. Go
to the poles and stay all day. Bewair of the infamous lise
whitch the Opposishuii will be sartin to git up fur perlitical
effek on the eve of eleckshun. To the poles ! and when you
git there vote jest as you darn please. This is a privilege we
all persess, and it is 1 of the booties of this grate and free
land.
I see mutch to admire in New Englan. Your gals in partick-
lar air abowt as snug bilt peaces of Calliker as I ever saw.
They air fully equal to the corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny,
and will make the bestest kind of wives. It sets my Buzzum
on fire to look at 'em.
Ba rtill, my sole, be still,
& you, Hart, stop cuttin up I
I like your skool houses, your meetin houses, your enterprise,
gumpshun &c., but your favorit Bevridge I disgust. I allude
to New England Hum. It is wuss nor the korii whisky of
THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE. 119
Injianny, which eats threw stone jugs <fe will turn the stummuck
of the most shiftliss Hog. I seldom seek consolashun in the
flowin Bole, but tother day I wurrid down some of your Hum.
The fust glass indused me to sware like a infooriated trooper.
On takin the second glass I was seezed with a desire to break
winders, & arter imbibin the third glass I knockt a small boy
down, pickt his pocket of a New York Ledger, and wildly com-
menced readiii Sylvanus Kobb's last Tail. Its drefful stuff
a sort of lickwid litenin, gut up under the personal supervish-
un of the devil tears men's inards all to peaces and makes
their noses blossum as the Lobster. Shun it as you would a
wild hyeny with a firebrand tied to his tale, and while you air
abowt it you will do a first rate thing for yourself and every-
body abowt you by shunnin all kinds of intoxicatin lickers.
You don't need 'em no more'n a cat needs 2 tales, sayin notliin
abowt the trubble and sufferin they cawse. But unless your
inards air cast iron, avoid New Englan's favorite Bevrige.
My frends, I'm dun. I tear myself away from you with
tears in my eyes & a pleasant oder of Oiiyins abowt my close.
In the langwidge of Mister Catterline to the Rummuns, I go,
but perhaps I shall cum back agin. Adoo, peple of Wethers-
field. Be virtoous & you'll be happy !
THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE.
As soon as I'd recooperated my physikil system, I went over
into the village. The peasantry was glad to see me. The
skoolmaster sed it was cheerin to see that gigantic intelleck
among 'em onct more. That's what he called me. I like the
skoolmaster, and allers send him tobacker when I'm off on a trav-
eliu campane. Besides, he is a very sensible man. Such men
must be encouraged.
120 THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE.
They don't git news very fast in Baldinsville, as nothin but
a plank road runs in there twice a week, and that's very much
out of repair. So my nabers wasn't much posted up in regard
to the wars. 'Squire Baxter sed he'd voted the dimicratic
ticket for goin on forty year, and the war was a dam black
republican lie. Jo. Stackpole, who kills hogs for the 'Squire,
and has got a powerful muscle into his arms, sed he'd bet $5
he could lick the Crisis in a fair stand-up fight, if he wouldn't
draw a knife on him. So it went sum was for war, and sum
was for peace. The skoolmaster, however, sed the Slave Oli-
garky must cower at the feet of the North ere a year had flowed
by, or pass over his dead corpse. " Esto perpetua ! " he added !
<c And sine qua non also ! " sed I, sternly, wishing to make a
impression onto the villagers. " Hequiescat in pace ! " sed the
schoolmaster. t( Too troo, too troo ! " I anserd, " it's a scander-
lusfact!"
The newspapers got along at last, ichock full of war, and the
patriotic fever fairly bust out in Baldinsville. 'Squire Baxter
sed he didn't b'lieve in Coercion, not one of 'em, and could prove
by a file of Eagles of Liberty in his garrit, that it was all a Whig
lie, got up to raise the price of whisky and destroy our other
liberties. But the old 'Squire got putty riley, when he heard
how the rebels was cuttin up, and he sed he reckoned he should
sko'ur up his old muskit and do a little square fit-in for the Old
Flag, which had allers bin on the ticket he'd voted, and he was
too old to Bolt now. The 'Squire is all right at heart, but it
takes longer for him to fill his venerable Biler with steam than
it used to when he was young and frisky. As I previously
informed you, I am Captin of the Baldinsville Company. I
riz gradooally but majesticly from drummer's Secretary to my
present position. But I found* the ranks wasn't full by no
means, and commenced for to recroot. Havin notist a gineral
desire on the part of young men who are into the crisis to wear
eppylits, I detarmined to have my company composed excloo-
sively of oftissers, everybody to rank as Brigadeer-Ginral. The
follerin was among the varis questions which I put to recroots :
THE WAR FEVER AY BALDINSVILLE. 121
Do you know a masked battery from a hunk of gingerbread V
Do you know a eppylit from a piece of chalk ?
If I trust you with a real gun, how many men of your own
company do you speck you can manage to kill durin the war?
Hav you ever heard of Ginral Price of Missouri, and can you
avoid siinler accidents in case of a battle ?
Hav you ever had the measles, and if so, how many ?
How air you now ?
Show me your tongue, &c., &c. Sum of the questions was
sarcusstical.
The company filled up rapid, and last Sunday we went to the
meetin house in full uniform. I had a seris time gittin into my
military harness, as it was bilt for me many years ago ; but I
finally got inside of it, tho' it fitted me putty clost. Howsever,
onct into it,- 1 lookt fine in fact, aw-inspirin. "Do you
know me, Mrs. Ward ? " sed I, walkin into the kitchin.
" Know you, you old fool ? Of course I do."
I saw at once she did.
I started for the meetin house, and I'm afraid I tried to walk
too strate, for I cum veiy near fallin over backards ; and in at-
temptin to recover myself, my sword got mixed up with my legs,
and I fell in among a choice collection of young ladies, who was
standin near the church door a-seein the sojer boys come up. My
cockt hat fell off, and sumhow my coat tales got twisted round
my neck. The young ladies put their handkerchers to their
mouths and remarked : " Te he," while my ancient female sin-
gle friend, Sary Peasley, bust out in a loud larf. She exercised
her mouth so vilently that her new false teeth fell out onto the
ground.
f% Miss Peaseley," sed I, gittin up and dustin mysert, " you
must be more careful with them store teeth of your'n or you'll
have to gum it agin ! "
Methinks I had her.
I'd bin to work hard all the week, and I felt rather snoozy.
I'm 'fraid I did git half asleep, for on hearin the minister ask,
" Why was man made to mourn? " I sed, " I giv it up," havin
6
122 THE WAR FEVER HT BALDIN8V1LLE.
a vague idee that it was a condmm. It was a onfortnit re-
mark, for the whole meetin house lookt at me with mingled
surprise and indignation. I was about risin to a pint of order,
when it suddenly occurd to me whare I was, and I kept my
seat, blush in like the red, red rose so to speak.
The next mornin I 'rose with the lark (1ST. B. I don't
sleep with the lark, tho'. A goak.)
My little dawter was execootin ballids, accompanyin herself
with the Akordeon, and she wisht me to linger and hear her
sing : " Hark I hear a angel singin, a angel now is onto the wing."
" Let him fly, my child ! " sed I, a-bucklin on my armer, " I
must forth to my Biz."
We air progressin pretty well with our drill. As all air
commandin offissers, there ain't no jelusy, and as we air ail ex-
ceedin smart, it t'aint worth while to try to outstrip each
other. The idee of a company composed excloosively of Com-
manders-in-Chiefs, orriggernated, I spose I skurcely need say,
in these Brane. Considered as a idee, I flatter myself it is
putty hefty. We've got all the tackticks at our tongs' ends,
but what we particly excel in is restin mu skits. We can rest
muskits with anybody.
Our corpse will do its dooty. We go to the aid of Columby
we fight for the stars !
We'll be chopt into sassige meat before we'll exhibit our
cote-tales to the foe.
We'll fight till there's no thin left of us but our little toes,
and even they shall defiantly wiggle !
"Everofthee"
A. WAED.
lti Editor of " The Bugle" Is interrupted by Betsey Jane and her female warriors
See paff 123.
A WAR MEETING. 123
A WAR MEETING.
OUR complaint just now is war meetings. They've bin
havin 'em bad in vans parts of our cheerful Republic, and
nat'rally we caught 'em here in Baldinsville. They broke out
all over us. They're better attended than the Eclipse was.
I remember how people poured into our town last Spring to
see the Eclipse. They labored into a impression that they
couldn't see it to home, and so they came up to our place. I
cleared a very handsome amount of money by exhibitin' the
Eclipse to 'em, in an open-top tent. But the crowds is bigger
now. Posey County is aroused. I may say, indeed, that the
pra-hay-ories of Injianny is on fire.
Our big meetin' came off the other night, and our old friend
of the Bugle was elected Cheerman.
The Bugle-Horn of Liberty is one of Baldinsville's most
eminentest institootions. The advertisements are well-written,
and the deaths and marriages are conducted with signal ability.
The editor, Mr. SLIXKERS, is a polish'd, skarcastic writer.
Folks in these parts will not soon forgit how he used up the
Eagle of Freedom, a family journal published at Snoot ville,
near here. The controversy was about a plank road. " The
road may be, as our cotemporary says, a humbug ; but our
aunt isn't bald-heded, and we haven't got a one-eyed sister Sal !
"Wonder if the Editor of the Eagle of Freedom sees it?"
This used up the Eagle of Freedom feller, because his aunt's
head does present a skinn'd appearance, and his sister SARAH
is very much one-eyed. For a genteel home-thrust, Mr. SLIXK-
ERS has few ekals. He is a man of great pluck likewise. He
has a fierce nostril, and I b'lieve upon my soul, that if it
wasn't absolootly necessary for him to remain here and an-
nounce in his paper, from week to week, that " our Gov'ment
is about to take vig'rous measures to put down the rebellion "
124 A WAP. MEETING.
I b'lieve, upon my soul, this illustris man would enlist as a
Brigadier Cin'ral, and git his Bounty.
I was fixin' myself up to attend the great war meetin', when
my daughter entered with a young man who was evijently
from the city, and who wore long hair, and had a wild expres-
sion into his eye. In one hand he carried a port-folio, and his
other paw claspt a bunch of small brushes. My daughter in-
troduced him as Mr. SWEIBIEK, the distinguished landscape
painter from Philadelphy.
"He is a artist, papa. Here is one of his master-pieces a
young mother gazin' admirin'ly upon her first-born," and my
daughter showed me a really pretty picter, done in ile. " Is
it not beautiful, papa? He throws so much soul into his
work."
"Does he? does he?" said I "well, I reckon I'd better
hire him to whitewash our fence. It needs it. What will
you charge, sir," I continued, " to throw some soul into my
fence?"
My daughter went out of the room in very short meeter,
takin' the artist with her, and from the emphatical manner in
which the door slam'd, I concluded she was summat disgusted
at my remarks. She closed the door, I may say, in italics.
I went into the closet and larfed all alone by myself for over
half an hour. I larfed so vi'lently that the preserve jars rat-
tled like a cavalry offisser's sword and things, which it aroused
my BETSY, who came and opened the door pretty suddent.
She seized me by the few lonely hairs that still linger sadly
upon my bare-footed hed, and dragged me out of the closet
incidentally obsarving that she didn't exactly see why she
should be compelled, at her advanced stage of life, to open a
assylum for sooperanooated idiots.
My wife is one of the best wimin on this continent, altho'
she isn't always gentle as a lamb, with mint sauce. No, not
always.
A WAR MEETING. 125
But to return to the war meetin'. It was largely attended.
The Editor of the Bugle arose and got up and said the fact
could no longer be disguised that we were involved in a war.
" Human gore," said he, " is flowin'. All able-bodied men
should seize a musket and march to the tented field. I repeat
it, sir, to the tented field."
A voice " Why don't you go yourself, you old blow-
hard?"
*' I am identified, young man, with a Arkymedian leaver
which moves the world," said the Editor, wiping his auburn
brow with his left coat-tail : " I allude, young man, to the
press. Terms, two dollars a year, invariably in advance. Job
printing executed with neatness and dispatch ! " And with
this brilliant bust of elekance the Editor introduced Mr. J.
Brutus Hinkins, who is sufferin from an attack of College in a
naberin' place. Mr. Hinkins said Washington was not safe.
Who can save our national capeetle ?
" DAX SETCHELL," I said. " He can do it afternoons. Let
him plant his light and airy form onto the Long Bridge, make
faces at the hirelin' foe, and they'll skedaddle! Old SETCH
can do it."
"I call the Napoleon of Showmen," said the Editor of
the JBugle, a I call that Napoleonic man, whose life is
adorned with so many noble virtues, and whose giant mind
lights up this warlike scene I call him to order."
I will remark, in this connection, that the Editor of the
J3uyle does my job printing.
" You," said Mr. Hinkins, ({ who live away from the busy
haunts of men do not comprehend the magnitood of the crisis.
The busy haunts of men is where people comprehend this
crisis. We who live in the busy haunts of men that is to
say, we dwell, as it were, in the busy haunts of men."
" I really trust that the gent'l'man will not fail to say suthin'
about the busy haunts of men before he sits down," said I.
" I claim the right to express my sentiments here," said Mr.
120 A WAR MEETING.
Hinkins, in a slightly indignant tone, " and I shall brook no
interruption, if I am a Softmore."
" You couldn't be more soft, my young friend," I observed,
whereupon there was cries of " Order ! order ! "
" I regret I can't mingle in this strife personally," said the
young man.
"You might inlist as a liberty-pole," said I in a silvery
whisper.
" But," ho added, " I have a voice, and that voice is for
war." The young man then closed his speech with some strikin
and original remarks in relation to the star-spangled banner.
He was followed by the village minister, a very worthy man
indeed, but whose sermons have a tendency to make people
sleep pretty industriously.
a I am willin' to inlist for one," he said.
" What's your weight, parson ? " I asked.
" A hundred and sixty pounds," he said.
(( Well, you can inlist as a hundred and sixty pounds of mor-
phine, your dooty bein' to stand in the hospitals arter a battle,
and preach while the surgical operations is bein' performed!
Think how much you'd save the Gov'ment in morphine."
He didn't seem to see it ; but he made a good speech, and the
editor of the Bugle rose to read the resolutions, commencin' as
follers :
Resolved, That we view with anxiety the fact that there is
now a war goin' on, and
Resolved, That we believe Stonewall Jackson sympathizes with
the secession movement, and that we hope the nine-months
men
At this point he was interrupted by the sounds of silvery
footsteps on the stairs, and a party of wimin, carryin' guns and
ted by BETSY JANE, who brandish'd a loud and rattlin' umber-
eller, burst into the room.
"Here," cried I, " are some nine-months wimin ! "
" Mrs. Ward," said the editor of the Buyle " Mrs. WARD,
and ladies, what means this extr'ord'n'ry demonstration ? "
Artemus is Introduced by his daughter, to a distinguished landscape painter,
baa long hair and a wild expression In his eye. Seepage 127.
THE DRAFT JiY BALDINSVILLE. 127
11 It means," said that remarkable female, li that you men air
makin' fools of yourselves. You air willin' to talk and urge
others to go to the wars, but you don't go to the wars yourselves.
War meetings is very nice in their way, but they don't keep
STOXEWALL JACKSON from comin' over to Maryland and helpin'
himself to the fattest beef critters. What we want is more
cider and less talk. We want you able-bodied men to stop
speechifying, which don't 'mount to the wiggle, of a sick cat's
tail, and go to fi'tin' ; otherwise you can stay to home and take
keer of the children, while we wimin will go to the wars ! "
" Gentl'men," said I, " that's my wife ! Go in, old gal ! " and
I throw'd up my ancient white hat in perfeck rapters.
" Is this roll-book to be filled up with the names of men or
wimin ? " she cried.
" With men with men ! " and our quoty was made up that
very night.
There is a great deal of gas about these war meetin's. A
war meetin', in fact, without gas, would be suthin' like the play
of .HAMLET with the part of OTHELLO omitted.
Still believin' that the Goddess of Liberty is about as well
sot up with as any young lady in distress could expect to be, I
am
Yours rnore'n anybody else's,
A. WARD.
THE DKAFT IN BALDINSYILLE.
IF I'm drafted I shall resign.
Deeply grateful for the onexpected honor thus confered upon
me I shall feel compeld to resign the position in favor of sum
more worthy person. Modesty is what ?ils me. That's what's
kept me under.
I meanter-say, I shall hav to resign if I'm drafted every wheres
I've bin inrold. I must now, furrinstuns, be inrold in npards
128 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE.
of 200 different towns. If I'd kept on travelin' I should hav
eventooaly becum a Brigade, in which case I could have held a
meetin' and elected myself Brigadeer-ginral quite unanimiss. I
hadn't no idea there was so many of me before. But, serisly, I
concluded to stop exhibiting and made tracks for Baldinsville.
My only daughter threw herself onto my boosum, and said,
" It is me, fayther ! I thank the gods ! "
She reads the Ledger.
" Tip us yer bunch of fives, old faker ! " said ARTEJIUS, Jr.
He reads the Clipper.
My wife was to the sowin' circle. I knew she and the
wimin folks was havin' a pleasant time slanderin' the females
of the other so win' circle (which likewise met that arternoon,
and was doubtless enjoyin' theirselves ekally well in slanderin'
the fust-named circle), and I didn't send for her. I allus like
to see people enjoy theirselves.
My son ORGUSTUS was playin' onto a floot.
ORGUSTUS is a ethereal cuss. The twins was bildin' cob-houses
in a corner of the kitchin'.
It'll cost some postage-stamps to raise this fam'ly, and yet it
'ud go hard with the old man to lose any lamb of the flock.
An old bachelor is a poor critter. He may have hearii the
skylark or (what's nearly the same thing) Miss KELLOGG and
CARLOTTY PATTI sing ; he may have hearn OLE BULL fiddle,
and all the DODWORTHS toot, an' yet he don't know nothiii'
about music the real, ginuine thing the music of the laugh-
ter of happy, well-fed children ! And you may ax the father of
sich children home to dinner, feelin worry sure there'll be no
spoons inissin' when he goes away. Sich fathers never drop tin
five-cent pieces into the contribution box, nor palm shoe-pegs
off onto blind hosses for oats, nor skedaddle to British sile when
their country's in danger nor do anything which is really
mean. I don't mean to intimate that the old bachelor is up to
ittle games of this sort not at all but I repeat, he's a poor
critter. He don't live here ; only stays. He ought to 'pologize,
on behalf of his parients, for bein' here at all. The happy rnar-
THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 129
rid man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weeping
wife and children. The old bachelor don't die at all he sort
of rots away, like a pollywog's tail.
My townsmen were sort o' demoralized. There was a evident
desine to ewade the Draft, as I obsarved with sorrer, and pat-
ritism was below Par and Jfar, too. [A jew desprit. ] I hadn't
no sooner sot down on the piazzy of the tavoun than I saw six-
teen solitary hossmen, ridin' four abreast, wendin' their way up
the street.
" What's them ? Is it cavilry ? "
" That," said the landlord, " is the stage. Sixteen able-
bodied citizens has lately bo't the stage line 'tween here and
Scotsburg. That's them. They're Stage-drivers. Stage-drivers
is exempt ! "
I saw that each stage-driver carried a letter in his left hand.
" The mail is hevy, to-day," said the landlord. tl Gin'rally
they don't have more'n half a dozen letters 'tween 'em. To-day
they've got one apiece ! Bile my lights and liver ! "
( ' And the passengers ? "
" There ain't any, skacely, now-days," said the landloi J, l( and
what few there is very much prefer to walk, the roads is so rough."
" And how ist with you ? " I inquired of the editor of the
Bugle-Horn of Liberty -, who sot near me.
" I can't go," he sed, shakin' his head in a wise way. " Or-
dinarily I should delight to wade in gore, but my bleediu' coun-
try bids me stay at home. It is imperatively necessary that I
remain here for the purpuss of announcin' from week to week,
that our Gov^ment is about to take vigorous measures to put
down the rebellion ! "
I strolled into the village oyster-saloon, where I found Dr.
SCHWAZEY, a leadin' citizen in a state of mind which showed
that he'd bin histin' in more'n his share of pizen.
" Hello, old Beeswax," he bellered ; " how's yer grandmams?
When you goin' to feed your stuffed animils ? "
6*
ICO THE DRAFT IN LALDINSVILLE.
" What's the matter with the eminent physician ? " I pleas-
antly inquired.
" This," he said ; " this is what's the matter. I'm a habit-
ooal drunkard ! I'm exempt ! "
" Jes' so."
" Do you see them beans, old man ? " and he pinted to a plate
before him. " Do you see 'em ? "
" I do. They are a cheerful fruit when used tempritly."
u Well," said he, fl I hain't eat anything since last week. I eat
beans now because I eat beans then. I never mix my vittles ! "
li It's quite proper you should eat a little suthin' once in a
while," I said. " It's a good idee to occasionally instruct the
stummick that it mustn't depend excloosively on licker for its
sustainance."
" A blessin'," he cried ; "a blessin' onto the hed of the man
what inwented beans. A blessin' onto his hed ! "
(t Which his name is GILSON ! He's a first family of Bos-
tin," said I.
This is a speciment of how things was goin' in my place of
residence.
A few was true blue. The schoolmaster was among 'em.
He greeted me warmly, He said I was welkim to those shores.
He said I had a massiv mind. It was gratifyin', he said, to
see that great intelleck stalkin' in their midst onct more. I
have before had occasion to notice this schoolmaster. He
is evidently a young man of far more than ord'nary talents.
The schoolmaster proposed we should git up a mass meetin'.
The meetin' was largely attended. We held it in the open air,
round a roarin' bonfire.
The schoolmaster was the first orator. He's pretty good on
the speak. He also writes well, his composition beiii' seldom,
marred by ingramm atticisms. He said this inactivity sur-
prised him. " What do you expect will come of this kind of
doin's? JVihilJlt "
THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 131
(l Hooray for Nihil ! " I interrupted. " Fellow-citizens, let's
giv three cheers for Nihil, the man who fit ! "
The schoolmaster turned a little red, but repeated t( Niliil
fit?
"Exactly," I said. " Nihil Jit. He wasn't a strategy fel-
ler."
" Our venerable friend," said the schoolmaster, smilin' pleas-
antly, " isn't posted in Virgil."
" No, I don't know him. But if he's a able-bodied man he
must stand his little draft."
The schoolmaster wound up in eloquent style, and the sub-
scriber took the stand.
I said the crisis had not only cum itself, but it had brought
all its relations. It has cum, I said, with a evident intention
of makin' us a good long visit. It's goin' to take off its things
and stop with us. My wife says so too. This is a good war.
For those who like this war, it's just such a kind of war as
they like. I'll bet ye. My wife says so too. If the Federal
army succeeds in takin' Washington, and they seem to be
advancin' that way pretty often, I shall say it is strategy, and
Washington will be safe. And that noble banner, as it were
that banner, as it were will be a emblem, or rather, I
should say, that noble banner as it were. My wife says so
too. [I got a little mixed up here, but they didn't notice it.
Keep mum.] Feller citizens, it will be a proud day for this
Republic when Washington is safe. My wife says so too.
The editor of the Bugle-Horn of Liberty hefe arose and
said : " I do not wish to interrupt the gentleman, but a impor-
tant despatch has just bin received at the telegraph office here.
I will read it. It is as follows: G-ov'ment is about to take
vigorous measures to put down the rebellion/ [Loud ap-
plause.]
That, said I, is cheering. That's soothing. And Washing-
ton will be 'feafe. [Sensation.] Philadelphia is safe. Gan.
PATTERSON'S in Philadelphia. But my heart bleeds partic'ly
for Washington. My wife says so too.
132 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE.
i
There's money enough. No trouble about money. They've
got a lot of first-class bank-note engravers at Washington
(which place, I regret to say, is by no means safe) who turn
out two or three cords of money a day good money, too.
Goes well. These bank-note engravers made good wages. I
expect they lay up property. They are full of Union senti-
ment. There is considerable Union sentiment in Yirginny,
more especially among the honest farmers of the Shenandoah
valley. My wife says so too.
Then it isn't money we want. But we do want men, and
we must have them. "We must carry a whirlwind of fire
among the foe. We must crush the ungrateful rebels who are
poundin' the Goddess of Liberty over the head with slung- shots,
and stabbin' her with stolen knives ! We must lick 'em quick.
We must introduce a large number of first-class funerals among
the people of the South. Betsy says so, too.
This war hain't been too well managed. We all know that
What then ? We are all in the same boat if the boat goes
down, we go down with her. Hence we must all fight. It
ain't no use to talk now about who caused the war. That's
played out. The war is upon us upon us all and we must
all fight. We can't (( reason " the matter with the foe. When,
in the broad glare of the noonday sun, a speckled jackass boldly
and maliciously kicks over a peanut-stand, do we " reason "
with him ? I guess not. And why " reason " with those other
Southern people who are trying to kick over the Republic ?
Betsy, my wife, says so too.
The meeting broke up with enthusiasm.
We shan't draft in Baldinsville if we can help it.
SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 133
SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS.
IT was customary in many of the inland towns of New Eng-
land, some thirty years ago, to celebrate the anniversary of the
surrender of Lord Cornwallis by a sham representation of that
important event in the history of the Revolutionary War. A
town meeting would be called, at which a company of men
would be detailed as British, and a company as Americans
two leading citizens being selected to represent Washington and
Cornwallis in the mimic surrender.
The pleasant little town of W , in whose schools the
writer has been repeatedly " corrected," upon whose ponds he
has often skated, upon whose richest orchards he has, with
other juvenile bandits, many times dashed in the silent mid-
night ; the town of W , where it was popularly believed
these bandits would " come to a bad end," resolved to celebrate
the surrender. Rival towns had celebrated, and W de-
termined to eclipse them in the most signal manner. It is my
privilege to tell how W succeeded in this determination.
The great day came. It was ushered in by the roar of mus-
ketry, the ringing of the village church bell, the squeaking of
fifes, and the rattling of drums.
People poured into the village from all over the county.
Never had W experienced such a jam. Never had there
been such an onslaught upon gingerbread carts. Never had
New England rum (for this was before Neal Dow's day) flowed
so freely. And W 's fair daughters, who mounted the
house-tops to see the surrender, had never looked fairer.
The old folks came, too, and among them were several war-
scarred heroes, who had fought gallantly at Monmouth and
Yorktown. These brave sons of '76 took no part in the dem-
onstration, but an honored bench was set apart for their exclu-
sive use on the piazza of Sile Smith's store. When they were
dry, all they had to do was to sing out to Sile's boy, Jerry, " a
134 SURRENDER OF CORFWALLIS.
leetle New Englan' this way, if you please." It was brought
forthwith.
At precisely 9 o'clock, by the schoolmaster's new "Lepeen"
watch, the American and British forces marched on to the
village green and placed themselves in battle array, reminding
the spectator of the time when
' ' Brave Wolfe drew up his mr>n
In a style most pretty,
On the Plains of Abraham
Before the city."
The character of Washington had been assigned to 'Squire
Wood, a well-to-do and influential farmer, while that of Corn-
wallis had been given to the village lawyer, a kind-hearted but
rather pompous person, whose name was Caleb Jones.
'Squire Wood, the Washington of the occasion, had met with
many unexpected difficulties in preparing his forces, and in his
perplexity he had emptied not only his own canteen but those
of most of his aids. The consequence was mortifying as it
must be to all true Americans blushing as I do to tell it,
Washington at the commencement of the mimic struggle was
most unqualifiedly drunk.
The sham fight commenced. Bang ! bang ! bang ! from the
Americans bang ! bang ! bang ! from the British. The bangs
were kept hotly up until the powder gave out, and then came
the order to charge. Hundreds of wooden bayonets flashed
fiercely in the sunlight, each soldier taking very good care not
to hit anybody.
" Thaz (hie) right," shouted Washington, who during the
shooting had been racing his horse wildly up and down the
line, "thaz right! Gin it to 'em! Cut their tarnal heads
off!"
"On, Komans! " shrieked Cornwallis, who had once seen a
theatrical performance and remembered the heroic appeals of
the Thespian belligerents, "on to the fray ! No sleep till
mornin'."
" Let eout all their bowels," yelled Washington, " and down
with taxation on tea I "
SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 135
The fighting now ceased, the opposing forces were prop-
erly arranged, and Cornwaliis, dismounting, prepared to pre-
sent his sword to Washington according to programme. As
he walked slowly towards the Father of His Country he re-
hearsed the little speech he had committed for the occasion,
while the illustrious being who was to hear it was making
desperate efforts to keep in his saddle. Now he would wildly
brandish his sword and narrowly escape cutting off his horse's
ears, and then he would fall suddenly forward on to the steed's
neck, grasping the mane as drowning men seize hold of straws.
He was giving an inimitable representation of Toodles on horse-
back. All idea of the magnitude of the occasion had left him,
and when he saw Cornwaliis approaching, with slow and
stately step, and sword-hilt extended toward him, he inquired,
" What-'n devil you want, any (hie) how ! "
"General AVashington," said Cornwaliis, in dignified and
impressive tones, " I tender you my sword. I need not inform
you, Sir, how deeply
The speech was here suddenly cut short by Washington,
who, driving the spurs into his horse, playfully attempted to
run over the commander of the British forces. He was not
permitted to do this, for his aids, seeing his unfortunate condi-
tion, seized the horse by the bridle, straightened Washington
up in his saddle, and requested Cornwaliis to proceed with his
remarks.
" General Washington," said Cornwaliis, " the British Lion
prostrates himself at the feet of the American Eagle ! "
" Eagle ? EAGLE ! " yelled the infuriated Washington, roll-
ing off his horse and hitting Cornwaliis a frightful blow on the
head with the flat of his sword, " do you call me a Eafjle^ you
mean, sneakin' cuss ? " He struck him again, sending him to
the ground, and said, " I'll learn you to call me a Eagle, you in-
fernal scoundrel ! "
Cornwaliis remained upon the ground only a moment.
Smarting from the blows he had received, he arose with an en-
tirely unlocked for recuperation on the part of the fallen, and
136 SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS.
in direct defiance of historical example ; in spite of the
men of both nations, indeed, he whipped the Immortal Wash-
ington until he roared for mercy.
The Americans, at first mortified and indignant at the con-
duct of their chief, now began to sympathize with him, and
resolved to whip their mock foes in earnest. They rushed
fiercely upon them, but the British were really the stronger
party and drove the Americans back. Not content with this
they charged madly upon them and drove them from the
field from the village, in fact. There were many heads dam-
aged, eyes draped in mourning, noses fractured and legs lamed
it is a wonder that no one was killed outright.
Washington was confined to his house for several weeks, but
he recovered at last. For a time there was a coolness between
himself and Cornwallis, but they finally concluded to join the
whole county in laughing about the surrender.
They live now. Time, the " artist," has thoroughly white-
washed their heads, but they are very jolly still. On town-
meeting days the old 'Squire always, rides down to the village.
In the hind part of his venerable yellow wagon is always a
bunch of hay, ostensibly for the old white horse, but really to
hide a glass bottle from the vulgar gaze. This bottle has on
one side a likeness of Lafayette, and upon the other may be
seen the Goddess of Liberty. What the bottle contains inside
I cannot positively say, but it is true that 'Squire Wood and
Lawyer Jones visit that bottle very frequently on town-meet-
ing days and come back looking quite red in the face. When
this redness in the face becomes of the blazing kind, as it gen-
erally does by the time the polls close, a short dialogue like this
may be heard.
ct We shall never play surrender again, Lawyer Jones ! "
" Them days is over, 'Squire Wood ! "
And then they laugh and jocosely punch each other in the
ribs.
THINGS IN NEW YORK. 137
THINGS IN NEW YORK.
THE stooclent and connyseer must have noticed and admired
in vans parts of the United States of America large yeller
hanbills, which not only air gems of art in theirselves, but they
troothfully sit forth the attractions of my show a show, let
me here obsarve, that contains many livin' wild animils, every
one of which has got a Beautiful Moral.
Them hanbills is sculpt in New York.
<fc I annoolly repair here to git some more on 'urn ;
&, bein' here, I tho't I'd issoo a Address to the public on
matters and things.
Since last I meyandered these streets, I have bin all over
the Pacific Slopes and Utah. I cum back now, with my virtoo
unimpared, but I've got to git some new clothes.
Many changes has taken place, even durin' my short absence,
& sum on um is Sollum to contempulate. The house in Var-
ick street, where I used to Board, is bein' torn down. That
house, which was rendered memoriable by my livin' into it, is
" parsin' away ! parsin' away ! " But some of the timbers will
be made into canes, which will be sold to my admirers at the
low price of one dollar each. Thus is changes goin' 011 contin-
erly. In the New World it is war in the Old World Em-
pires is totterin' & Dysentaries is crumblin'. These canes is
cheap at a dollar.
Sammy Booth, Duane street, sculps my hanbills, <fc he's a
artist. He studid in Rome State of New York.
I'm here to read the proof-sheets of my hanbils as fast as
they're sculpt. You have to watch these ere printers pretty
close, for they're jest as apt to spel a wurd rong as anyhow.
But I have time to look round sum & how do I find tilings ?
I return to the Atlantic States after a absence of ten months,
& what State do I find the country in ? Why I don't know
138 THINGS IN NEW YORK.
what State I find it in. Suffice it to say, that I do not find it
in the State of New Jersey.
There air other cheerin' signs for Arneriky. We don't, for
instuns, lack great Gen'rals, and we certinly don't lack brave
sojers but there's one thing I wish we did lack, and that is
our present Congress.
I venture to say that if you sarch the earth all over with a
ten-hoss power mikriscope, you won't be able to find such ano-
ther pack of poppycock gabblers as the present Congress of
the United States of America would be able to find find
among their constituents.
Gentlemen of the Senit & of the House, you've sot there and
draw'd your pay and made summer-complaint speeches long
enuff. The country at large, incloodin' the undersined, is dis-
gusted with you. Why don't you show us a statesman sum-
body who can make a speech that will hit the pop'lar hart
right under the Great Public weskit ? Why don't you show
us a statesman who can rise up to the Emergency, and cave in
the Emergency's head ?
Congress, you won't do. Go home, you mizzerable devils
go home !
At a special Congressional 'lection in my district the other
day I delib'ritly voted for Henry Clay. I admit that Henry
is dead, but inasmuch as we don't seem to have a live states-
man in our National Congress, let us by all means have a first-
class corpse.
Them who think that a cane made from the timbers of the
house I once boarded in is essenshal to their happiness, should
not delay about sendin' the money right on for one.
My reported captur by the North American savijis of Utah,
led my wide circle of friends and creditors to think that I had
bid adoo to earthly things and was a angel playin' on a golden
harp. 'Hents my rival home was onexpected.
It was 11, P. M., when I reached my homestid and knockt a
healthy knock on the door thereof.
THINGS IN NEW YORK. 139
A nightcap thmsted itself out of the front chamber winder.
(It \vas my Betsy's nightcap.) And a voice said :
* \Vhoisit?"
" It is a Man ! " I answered, in a gmff vois.
" I don't b'lieve it ! " she sed.
" Then come down and search me," I replied.
Then resumin' my nat'ral voice, I said, lt It is your own A.
\V., Betsy ! Sweet lady, wake ! Ever of thou ! "
u Oh," she said, " it's you, is it ? I thought I smelt some-
thing."
But the old girl was glad to see me.
In the mornin' I found that my family were entertainin' a
artist from Philadelphy, who was there paintin' some startlin'
water-falls and mountins, and I morin suspected he had a hank-
erin' for my oldest dauter.
" Mr. Skimmerhorn, father," sed my dauter.
" Glad to see you, Sir ! " I replied in a hospittle vois. " Glad
to see you."
" He is an artist, father," sed my child.
"A whichist?"
" An artist. A painter."
"And glazier," I askt. "Air you a painter and glazier,
sir?"
My dauter and wife was mad, but I couldn't help it; I felt
in a comikil mood.
"It is a wonder to me, Sir," said the artist, "considerin'
what a wide-spread reputation you have, that some of our East-
ern managers don't secure you."
(t It's a wonder to me," said I to my wife, " that somebody
don't secure him with a chain."
After breakfast I went over to town to see my old friends.
The editor of the Bugle greeted me cordyully, and showed me
the follerin' article he'd just written about the paper on the
other side of the street :
" We have recently put up in our office an entirely new
sink, of unique construction with two holes through which
140 IN CANADA.
the soiled water may pass to the new bucket underneath.
What will the hell-hounds of The Advertiser say to this?
"We shall continue to make improvements as fast as our rapidly
increasing business may warrant. Wonder whether a certain
editor's wife thinks she can palm off a brass watch-chain on
this community for a gold one ? "
" That," says the Editor, " hits him whar he lives. That
will close him up as bad as it did when I wrote an article ridi-
cooling his sister, who's got a cock-eye."
A few days after my return I was shown a young man, who.
says he'll be Dam if he goes to the war. He was settin' on a
barrel, & was indeed a Loathsum objeck.
Last Sunday I heard Parson Batkins preach, and the good
old man preached well, too, tho' his prayer was ruther lengthy.
The Editor of the Bugle, who was with me, said that prayer
would make fifteen squares, solid nonparil.
I don't think of nothin' more to write about. So, tc B'leeve
me if all those endearing young charms," &c., &c.
A. WARD.
IN CANADA,
I'M at present existin' under a monikal form of Cov'ment.
In other words I'm travelin' among the crowned heds of Can-
ady. They ain't pretty bad people. On the cont'ry, they air
exceedin' good people.
Troo, they air deprived of many blessins. They don't enjoy,
for instans, the priceless boon of a war. They haven't any
American Egil to onchain, and they hain't got a Fourth of
July to their backs.
Altho' this is a monikal form of Gov'ment, I am enable to
perceeve much moniky. I tried to git a piece in Toronto, but
failed to succeed.
lo f The poor Reft man and a "pretty waiter girl." Seepage 141.
IN CANADA. 141
Mrs. VICTORIA, who is Queen of England, and has all the
luxuries of the markets, incloodin' game in its season, don't
bother herself much about Canadj, but lets her do 'bout as she's
mighter. She, however, gin'rally keeps her supplied with a
lord, who's called a Gov'ner Gin'ral. Sometimes the politicians
of Canady make it lively for this lord for Canady has politi-
cians, and I expect they don't differ from our politicians, some
of 'em bein' gifted and talented liars, no doubt.
The present Gov'ner Gin'ral of Canady is Lord MONK. I
saw him review some volunteers at Montreal. He was accom-
panied by some other lords and dukes and generals and those
sort of things. He rode a little bay horse, and his close wasn't
any better than mine. You'll always notiss, by the way, that
the higher up in the world a man is, the less good harness he
puts on. Hence Gin'ral HALLECK walks the streets in plain
citizen's dress, while the second lieutenant of a volunteer regi-
ment piles all the brass things he can find onto his back, and
drags a forty-pound sword after him.
MONK has been in the lord bisuiss some time, and I under-
stand it pays, tho' I don't know what a lord's wages is. The
wages of sin is death and postage stamps. But this has noth-
ing to do with MONK.
One of Lord MONK'S daughters rode with him on the field.
She has golden hair, a kind, good face, and wore a red hat. I
should be very happy to have her pay me and my family a visit
at Baldmsville. Come and bring your knittin', Miss MONK.
Mrs. WARD will do the fair thing by you. She makes the
best slap-jacks in America. As a slap-jackist, she has no ekal.
She wears the Belt.
What the review was all about, I don't know. I haven't a
gigantic intelleck, which can grasp great questions at onct. I
am not a WEBSTER or a SEYMOUR. I am not a WASHINGTON
or a OLD ABE. Fur from it. I am not as gifted a man as
HENRY WARD BEECHER. Even the congregation of Plymouth
Meetin'-House in Brooklyn will admit that. Yes, I should
think so. But while I don't have the slitest idee as to what
14:2 # CANADA.
the review was fur, I will state that the sojers looked pooty
scrumptious in their red and green close.
Come with me, jentle reader, to Quebeck. Quebeck was
surveyed and laid out by a gentleman who had been afflicted
with the delirium tremens from childhood, and hence his idees
of things was a little irreg'ler. The streets don't lead any-
wheres in partic'ler, but everywheres in gin'ral. The city is
bilt on a variety of perpendicler hills, each hill bein' a trifle
wuss nor t'other one. Quebeck is full of stone walls, and
arches, and citadels and things. It is said no foe could ever
git into Quebeck, and I guess they couldn't. And I don't see
what they'd want to get in there for.
Quebeck has seen lively times in a warlike way. The
French and Britishers had a set-to there in 1759. JIM WOLFE
commanded the latters, and Jo. MONTCALM the formers. Both
were hunky boys, and fit nobly. But WOLFE was too many
measles for MONTCALM, and the French was slew'd. WOLFE
and MONTCALM was both killed. In. arter years a common
monyment was erected by the gen'rous people of Quebeck,
aided by a bully Earl named GEORGE DALHOUSIE, to these
noble fellows. That was w^ell done.
Durin' the Revolutionary War B. ARNOLD made his way,
through dense woods and thick snows, from Maine to Quebeck,
which it was one of the hunkiest things ever done in the mili-
tary line. It would have been better if B. ARNOLD'S funeral
had come off immeditly on his arrival there.
On the Plains of Abraham there was onct some tall fitin',
and ever since then there has been a great demand for the
bones of the slew'd 011 that there occasion. But the real gin-
ooine bones was long ago carried off, and now the boys make
a hansum thing by cartin' the bones of hosses and sheep out
there, and sellin' em to intelligent American towerists. Takin'
a perfessional view of this dodge, I must say that it betrays
genius of a lorfty character.
It reminded me of a inspired feet of my own. I used to
exhibit a wax figger of HENRY WILKINS, the Boy Murderer.
IF CAJTAVA. 143
HENRY had, in a moment of inadvertence, killed his Uncle
EPHRAM and walked off with the old man's money. Well,
this stattoo was lost somehow, and not sposin' it would make
any particler difference I substitooted the full-grown stattoo of
one of my distinguished piruts for the Boy Murderer. One
night I exhibited to a poor but honest audience in the town
of Stoneham, Maine. " This, ladies and gentlemen," said I,
pointing my umbrella (that weapon which is indispensable to
every troo American) to the stattoo, " this is a life-like wax
figger of the notorious HENRY WILKINS, who in the dead of
night murdered his Uncle EPHRAM in cold blood. A sad warn-
ing to all uncles havin' murderers for nephews. When a mere
child this HENRY WILKINS was compelled to go to the Sunday-
school. He carried no Sunday-school book. The teacher told
him to go home and bring one. He went and returned with
a comic song-book. A depraved proceedinV
" But," says a man in the audience, " when you was here
before your wax figger represented HENRY WILKIXS as a boy.
Now, HENRY was hung, and yet you show him to us now as a
full-grown man ! How's that ? "
" The figger has growd, sir it has growd," I said.
I was angry. If it had been in these times I think I should
have informed agin him as a traitor to his flag, and had him
put in Fort Lafayette.
I say adoo to Quebeck with regret. It is old fogyish, but
chock full of interest. Young gentlemen of a romantic turn of
mind, who air botherin' their heads as to how they can spend
their father's money, had better see Quebeck.
Altogether I like Canady. Good people and lots of pretty
girls. I wouldn't mind comin' over here to live in the capacity
of a Duke, provided a vacancy occurs, and provided further I
could be allowed a few star-spangled banners, a eagle, a boon
of liberty, etc.
Don't think I've skedaddled. Not at all. I'm coming home
in a week.
Let's have the Union restored as it was, if we can ; but if
14-i THE NOBLE RED MAN.
i
we can't, Tm in favor of the Union as it wasii't. But the
Union, anyhow.
Gentlemen of the editorial corpse, if you would be happy be
virtoous ! I who am the emblem of virtoo, tell you so.
(Signed,) "A. WARD."
THE NOBLE RED MAN.
THE red man of the forest was form'ly a very respectful per-
son. Justice to the noble aboorygine warrants me in sayin'
that orrigernerly he was a majestic cuss.
At the time CHRIS, arrove on these shores (I allood to CHRIS.
COLUMBUS), the savajis was virtoous and happy. They were
innocent of secession, rum, draw-poker, and sinfulness gin'-
rally. They didn't discuss the slavery question as a custom.
They had no Congress, faro banks, delirium tremens, or As-
sociated Press. Their habits was consequently good. Late
suppers, dyspepsy, gas companies, thieves, ward politicians,
pretty waiter-girls, and other metropolitan refinements, were
unknown among them. No savage in good standing would
take postage-stamps. You couldn't have bo't a coon skin with
a barrel of 'em. The female Aboorygine never died of con-
sumption, because she didn't tie her waist up in whale -bone
things ; but in loose and flowin' garments she bounded, with
naked feet, over hills and plains, like the wild and frisky an-
telope. It was a onlucky moment for us when CHRIS, sot his
foot onto these 'ere shores. It would have been better for us
of the present day if the injins had given him a warm meal
and sent him home ore the ragin' billers. For the savages
owned the country, and COLUMBUS was a filibuster. CORTEZ,
PIZARRO, and WALKER were one-horse fillibusters COLUMBUS
was a four-horse team fillibuster, and a large yaller dog under
ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 145
the waggin. I say, in view of the mess we are makin' of
things, it would have been better for us if COLUMBUS had staid
to home. It would have been better for the show bisniss.
The circulation of VANITY FAIR would be larger, and the pro-
prietors would all have boozum pins ! Yes, sir, and perhaps
a ten-pin alley.
By which I don't wish to be understood as intimatin' that
the scalpin' wretches who are in the injin bisniss at the
present day are of any account, or calculated t^' make home
happy, specially the Sioxes of Minnesoty, who desarve to be
murdered in the first degree, and if POPE will only stay in St.
Paul and not go near 'em himself, I reckon they will be.
ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND.
RICHMOND, VA., May 18 & 65.
OLONZO WARD.
AFORE I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol I
desire to cimply say that I hav seen a low and skurrilus noat
in the paper from a certin purson who singes hisself Olonzo
"Ward, & sez he is my berruther. I did once hav a berruther
of that name, but I do not recugnise him now. To me he is
wuss than ded ! I took him from collige sum 16 years ago
and gave him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my
Show. How did he repay me for this kindness ? He basely
undertook (one day while in a Backynalian mood on rum &
right in sight of the aujience in the tent) to stand upon his
hed, whareby he betray 'd his sex on account of his boots & his
Beard fallin' off his face, thus rooinin' my prospecks in that
town, & likewise incurrin' the seris displeasure of the Press,
which sed boldly I was triflin with the feelin's of a intelligent
7
14:6 ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND.
public. I know no such man as Olonzo Ward. I do not ever
wish his name breathed in my presents. I do not recognize
him. I perfectly disgust him.
RICHMOND.
The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb. I
cum here a few days arter the city catterpillertulated.
My naburs seemed surprised & astonisht at this darin' brav-
ery onto the part of a man at my time of life, but our family
was never know'd to quale in danger's stormy hour.
My father was a sutler in the Kevolootioii War. My father
once had a iutervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette.
He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars, promisin' to
pay him in the Fall; but Lafy said "he couldn't see it in
those lamps." Lafy was French, and his knowledge of our
langwidge was a little shaky.
Jmmejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to the Spots wood
House, and callin' to my assistans a young man from our town
who writes a good runnin' hand, I put my ortograph 011 the
Register, and handin' my umbrella to a bald-heded man behind
the counter, who I s'posed was Mr. Spotswood, I said, " Spotsy,
how does she run ? "
He called a cullud purson, and said,
" Show the gen'lman to the cowyard, and giv' him cart num-
ber 1."
"Isn't Grant here?" I said. "Perhaps Ulyssis wouldn't
mind my turnin' in with him."
" Do you know the Gin'ral ? " inquired Mr. Spotswood.
<c Wall, no, not 'zacky ; but he'll remember me. His brother-
in-law's Aunt bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi all one
winter. My uncle Levi's rye meal was "
" Pooh ! pooh ! " said Spotsy, " don't bother me," and he
shuv'd my umbrella onto the floor. Obsarvin' to him not to
be so keerless with that wepin, I accompanid the African to
my lodgins,
AMTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 147
" My brother," I sed, " air you aware that you've bin 'man-
cipated ? Do you realise how glorus it is to be free ? Tell
me, my dear brother, does it not seem like some dreams, or do
you realise the great fact in all its livin' and holy magni-
tood?"
He sed he would take some gin.
I was show'd to the cowyard and laid down under a one-
mule cart. The hotel was orful crowded, and I was sorry I
hadn't gone to the Libby Prison. Tho' I should hav' slept
comf 'ble enuff if the bed-clothes hadn't bin pulled off me
durin' the night, by a scoundrul who cum and hitched a mule
to the cart and druv it off. I thus lost my cuverin', and my
throat feels a little husky this mornin'.
Gin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the city, givin'
me my choice of hospitals.
He has also very kindly placed at my disposal a small-pox
amboolance.
UNION SENTIMENT.
There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment in this city.
I see it on ev'ry hand.
I met a man to-day I am not at liberty to tell his name,
but he is a old and inflooentooial citizen of Richmond, and sez
he, " Why ! we've bin fightin' agin the Old Flag ! Lor' bless
me, how sing'lar ! " He then borrer'd five dollars of me and
bust into a flood of teers.
Sed another (a man of standin' and formerly a bitter reb-
uel), "Let us at once stop this effooshun of Bind! The Old
Flag is good enuff for me. Sir," he added, " you air from the
North ! Have you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about
you?"
I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont who had
just organized a sort of restaurant, where he could go and
make a very comfortable breakfast on New England rum and
cheese. He borrowed fifty cents of me, and askin' me to send
148 ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND.
him Win. Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon as I got home,
he walked off.
Said another, "There's bin a tremenduous Union feelin'
here from the fust. But we was kept down by a rain of
terror. Have you a dagerretype of Wendell Phillips about
your person ? and will you lend me four dollars for a few days
till we air once more a happy and united people."
JEFF. DAVIS.
Jeff. Davis is not pop'lar here. She is regarded as a South-
ern sympathiser. & yit I'm told he was kind to his Parents.
She ran away from 'em many years ago, and has never bin
back. This was showin' 'em a good deal of consideration
when we refleck what his conduck has been. Her captur in
female apparel confooses me in regard to his sex, & you see I
speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise, & I guess he
feels so hisself.
R. LEE.
Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller.
He was opposed to the war at the fust, and draw'd his sword
very reluctant. In fact, he wouldn't hav' drawd his sword at
all, only he had a large stock of military clothes on hand,
which he didn't want to waste. He sez the colored man is
right, and he will at once go to New York and open a Sabbath
School for negro minstrels.
THE CONFEDERATE ARMY.
The surrender of R. Lee, J. Johnston and others leaves the
Confedrit Army in a ruther shattered state. That army now
consists of Kirby Smith, four mules and a Bass drum, and is
movin' rapidly to'rds Texis.
ARTEMU8 WARD IN RICHMOND. 149
A PROUD &ST> HAWTY SUTHESER.
Feelin' a little peckish, I went into a eatin' house to-day,
and encountered a young man with long black hair and slender
frame. He didn't wear much clothes, and them as he did wear
looked onhealthy. He frowned on me, and sed, kinder scorn-
ful, " So, Sir you come here to taunt us in our hour of trouble,
do you ? "
" No," said I, " I cum here for hash ! "
" Pish-haw ! " he sed sneerinly, " I mean you air in this city
for the purpuss of gloatin' over a fallen peple. Others may
basely succumb, but as for me, I will never yield never,
never ! "
ct Hav' suthin' to eat ! " I pleasantly suggested.
" Tripe and onions ! " he sed furcely ; then he added, " I
eat with you, but I hate you. You're a low-lived Yankee ! "
To which I pleasantly replied, " How'l you have your
tripe ? "
" Fried, mudsill ! with plenty of ham-fat ! "
He et very ravenus. Poor feller ! He had lived on odds
and ends for several days, eatin' crackers that had bin turned
over by revelers in the bread tray at the bar.
He got full at last, and his hart softened a little to'ards me.
t( After all," he sed, " you hav sum peple at the North who air
not wholly loathsum beasts ? "
" Well, yes," I sed, " we hav' now and then a man among us
who isn't a cold-bluded scoundril. Young man, " I mildly but
gravely sed, " this crooil war is over, and you're lickt ! It's
rather necessary for sumbody to lick in a good square, lively
fite, and in this 'ere case it happens to be the United States of
America. You fit splendid, but we was too many for you.
Then make the best of it, & let us all give in and put the Re-
public on a firmer basis nor ever.
" 1 don't gloat over your misfortins, my young fren'. Fur from
it. I'm a old man now, & my hart is softer nor it once was.
You see my spectacles is misten'd with suthin' very like tears.
150 ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.
I'm thinkin' of the sea of good rich Bind that has been spilt on
both sides in this dredful war ! I'm thinkin' of our widders
and orfuns North, and of your'n in the South. I kin cry for
both. B'leeve me, my young fren', I kin place my old hands
tenderly on the fair yung hed of the "Virginny maid whose
lover was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral bullet, and
say, as fervently and piously as a vener'ble sinner like me kin
say anythin', God be good to you, my poor dear, my poor
dear."
I riz up to go, & takin' my yung Southern fren', kindly by
the hand, I sed, tc Yung man, adoo ! You Southern fellers is
probly my brothers, tho' you've occasionally had a cussed
queer way of showin' it! It's over now. Let us all jine in
and make a country on this continent that shall giv' all Europe
the cramp in the stummuck ev'ry time they look at us ! Adoo,
adoo ! "
And as I am through, I'll likewise say adoo to you, jentle
reader, merely remarkin' that the Star-Spangled Banner is wa-
vin' round loose agin, and that there don't seem to be anything
the matter with the Goddess of Liberty beyond a slite cold.
ARTEMUS WARD.
ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.
FRIEND WALES, You remember me. I saw you in Canady
a few years ago. I remember you too. I seldim forgit a per-
son.
I hearn of your marrige to the Printcis Alexandry, & ment
ter writ you a congratoolatory letter at the time, but I've
bin bildin a barn this summer, & hain't had no time to write
letters to folks. Excoose me.
Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body
politic. The body politic, in fack, is sick. I sumtimes think
it has got biles, friend Wales.
In my country we've got war, while your country, in con-
ARTEXUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. 151
junktion with Cap'n Sems of the Alobarmy, manetanes a noo-
trol position !
I'm fraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it. Oh no I
guess not !
Yes, Sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make
sacrifisses, you bet.
I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, & I stand reddy
to sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther'n not see the rebelyin
krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of
blud my able-bodied relations has got to prosekoot the war
I think sumbody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well be
the war as any body else. When I git a goakin fit onto me
it's no use to try ter stop me.
You heam about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt. It causd
sum squirmin', but it was fairly conducted, I think, for it hit
all classes. It is troo that Wendill Phillips, who is a American
citizen of African scent, 'scaped, but so did Vallandiggum, who
is Conservativ, and who wus resuntly sent South, tho' he would
have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus if Abe had 'sposed for a
minit that the Tortoogusses would keep him.
We hain't "got any daily paper in our town, but we've got
a female sewin' circle, which ansers the same purpuss, and we
wasn't long in suspents as to who was drafted.
One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp because
he was the only son of a widow'd mother who supported him.
A few able-bodid dead men was drafted, but whether their heirs
will have to pay 3 hundrid dollars a peace for 'em is a question
for Whitin', who 'pears to be tinkerin' lip this draft bizniss
right smart. I hope he makes good wages.
I think most of the conscrips in this place will go. A few
will go to Canady, stoppin' on their way at Concord, N. H.,
where I understan there is a Muslum of Harts.
You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hittin' all sides; but no
offense is ment. You know I ain't a politician, and never was-
I vote for Mr. Union that's the only candidate I've got. I
claim, howsever, to have a well balanced-mind ; tho' my idees
152 ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.
of a well-balanced inind differs from th?, idees of a partner I
once had, whose name it was Billson. Billsoii and me orjan-
ized a strollin' dramatic company, & we played The Drunkard,
or the Falling Saved, with a real drunkard. The play didn't
take particlarly, and says Billson to me, Let's giv 'em some im-
moral dramy. We had a large troop onto our hands, consisting
of eight tragedians and a bass drum, but I says, No, Billson ;
and then says I, Billson, you hain't got a well-balanced mind.
Says he, Yes, I have, old hoss-fly (he was a low cuss) yes, I
have. I have a mind, says he, that balances in any direction
that the public rekires. That's wot I calls a well-balanced mind.
I sold out and bid adoo to Billson. He is now an outcast in
the State of Vermont. The miser'ble man once played Hamlet.
There wasn't any orchestry, and wishin' to expire to slow inoo-
sic, he died playin' on a claironett himself, interspersed with
hart-rendin' groans, & such is the world ! Alars ! alars ! how
onthankful we air to that Providence which kindly allows us
to live and borrow money, and fail and do bizniss !
But to return to our subjeck. With our resunt grate triumps
on the Mississippi, the Father of Waters (and them is waters
no Father need feel 'shamed of twig the wittikism ?), and the
cheerin' look of things in other places, I reckon we shan't want
any Muslum of Harts. And what upon airth do the people of
Concord, N. H., want a Muslum of Harts for ? Hain't you got
the State House now ? & what more do you want ?
But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note, arter all.
My objeck in now addressin' you is to giv you sum adwice, frienp
Wales, about managin' your wife, a bkniss I've had over thirty
years experience in.
You had a good weddiii. The papers hav a good deal to say
about " vikins " in connexion tharewith. Not knowings what
that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook of the
throne, I can't zackly say whether we hab 'em or not. We
was both very much flustrated. But I never injoyed myself
better in my life.
Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As regards eatin'
"'he miserable man once played Hamlet, and expired to slow music (produced by
himself as there was no orchestra). See page 152.
ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. 153
uses, Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a good
meal in New York, & cheap to. You can git half a mackril
at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's for six dollars, and biled
pertaters throw'd in.
As I sed, I manige my wife without any particler trouble.
When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of ex-
periments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You'd bet-
ter do similer. Your wife may objeck to gittin' \ip and bildin'
the fire in the niornin', but if you commence with her at once
TOM may be able to overkum this prejoodiss. I regret to obsarve
lat I didn't commence arly enuff. I wouldn't have you s'pose
I was ever kicked out of bed. Not at all. I simply say, in regard
to bildin' fires, that I didn't commence arly enufl*. It was a
ruther cold mornin' when I fust proposed the idee to Betsy.
It wasn't well received, and I found myself layin' on the floor
putty suddent. I thought I git up and bild the fire myself.
Of course now you're marrid you can eat onions. I allus
did, and if I know my own hart, I allus will. My daughter,
who is goin' on 17 and is frisky, says they's disgustin. And speak-
in of my daughter reminds me that quite a number of young men
have suddenly discovered that I 'in a very entertainin' old feller,
and they visit us frekently, specially on Sunday evenins. One
young chap a lawyer by habit don't cum as much as he did.
My wife's father lives with us. His intelleck totters a little, and
he saves the papers containin' the proceedins of our State Legis-
later. The old gen'l'man likes to read out loud, and he reads tol'-
ble well. He eats hash freely, which makes his voice clear ; but
as he onfortnitly has to spell the most of his words, I may say
he reads slow. Wall, whenever this lawyer made his appear-
ance I would set the old man a-readin the Legislativ' reports,. I
kept the young lawyer up one night till 12 o'clock listenin to
a lot of acts in regard to a draw-bridge away orf in the east part
of the State, havin' sent my daughter to bed at half-past 8. He
hasn't bin there since, and I understan' he says I go round swind-
lin' the Public.
I never attempted to reorganize my wife but onct. I shall
7*
154 ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.
never attempt agin. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed
myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's healths ; and
wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continnerd drinkin'
their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I
presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at night with consid'ble
licker concealed about my person. I had sumhow got perseshun
of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' sum cranky
observations of Mrs. Ward's in the mornirx', I snapt the whip
putty lively, and, in a very loud woice, I said, " Betsy, you
need reorganizin' ! I have cum, Betsy," I continued crackin'
the whip over the bed "I have cum to reorganize you ! Ha-
ave you per-ayed to-night ? "
*******
I dream'd that sumbody had laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril
conseckootiv times ; and when I woke up I found she had. I
hain't drank much of anythin' since, and if I ever have another
reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out.
My wife is 52 years old, and has allus sustaned a good char-
acter. She's a good cook. Her mother lived to a vener'ble
age, and died while in the act of frying slap-jacks for the County
Commissioners. And may no rood hand pluk a flour from her
toomstun ! We hain't got any picter of the old lady, because
she'd never stand for her ambrotipe, and therefore I can't giv her
likeness to the world through the meejum of the illusterated
papers ; but as she wasn't a brigadier-gin'ral, particlerly, I don't
s'pose they'd publish it, any how.
It's best to give a woman consid'ble lee-way. But not too
much. A naber of mine, Mr. Koofus Minkins, was once very
sick with the fever, but his wife moved his bed into the door-yard
while she was cleanin' house. I toald Roofus this wasn't the
tiling, 'specially as it was rainiii' vi'lently ; but he said he wanted
to giv his wife " a little lee-way." That was 2 mutch. I told
Mrs. Minkins that her Koofus would die if he staid out there
into the rain much longer ; when she said, " It shan't be my
fault if he dies unprepared," at the same time tossin' him his
mother's Bible. It was orful ! I stood by, however, and
ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. 155
missed him as well's I could, but I was a putty wet-miss, I tell
you.
There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the
best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants
to. I 'dopted that there plan sum. time ago, and it works like a
charm.
Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales, and good luck to you
both ! And as years roll by, and accidents begin to happen to
you among which I hope there'll be Twins you will agree
with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on
with any certinty of winnin'.
It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoon-
ery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the course of a year
as a cab'net offisser does, & I understand my business a good
deal better than sum of them do. '
B-especks to St. George & the Dragon.
Ever be 'appy
A. WARD.
III.
STOEIES AND EOMANCES.
MOSES THE SASSY; OR, THE DISGUISED DUKE.
CHAPTER I. ELIZY.
MY story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin. In the
parler of a bloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon street
sits a luvly young lady, whose hair is cuverd ore with the
frosts of between 17 Summers. She has just sot down to
the piany, and is warblin the popler ballad called " Smells
of the Notion," in which she tells how, with pensiv thought,
she wandered by a C beat shore. The son is settin in its
horizon, and its gorjus light pores in a golden meller flud
through the winders, and makes the young lady twict as beau-
tiful nor what she was before, which is onnecessary. She is
magnificently dressed up in a Berage basque, with poplin
trimmins, More Antique, Ball Morals and 3 ply carpet-
ing. Also, considerable gauze. Her dress contains 16 floun-
ders and her shoes is red morocker, with gold spangles onto
158 MOSES THE SASSY.
them. Presently she jumps up with a wild snort, and pressin
her hands to her brow, she exclaims: "Methinks I see a
voice ! "
A noble youth of 27 summers enters. . He is attired in a
red shirt and black trowsis, which last air turned up over his
boots ; his hat, which it is a plug, being cockt onto one side
of his classical hed. In sooth, he was a heroic lookin person,
with a fine shape. Grease, in its barmiest days, near projuced
a more hefty cavileer. Gazin upon him admirinly for a spell,
Elizy (for that was her name) organized herself into a tabloo,
and stated as follers.
" Ha ! do me eyes deceive me earsight ? Is it some dreams ?
No, I reckon not ! That frame ! them store close ! those
nose ! Yes, it is me own, me only Moses ! "
He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark that he
was " a hunkey boy."
CHAPTER II. WAS MOSES OF NOBLE BIRTH?
Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40. Forty's fellers
had just bin havin an annual reunion with Fifty's fellers, on
the day I introduce Moses to my readers, and Moses had his
arms full of trofees, to wit : 4 scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7 ears,
(which he chawed off) and several half and quarter sections of
noses. When the fair Elizy recovered from her delight at
meetin Moses, she said: "How hast the battle gonest?
Tell me ! "
" We chawed 'em up that's what we did ! " said the bold
Moses.
" I thank the gods ! " sed the fair Elizy. " Thou did'st
excellent well. And, Moses," she continnered, layin her hed
MOSES THE SASSY. 159
confidinly agin his weskit, t( dost know I sum times think thou
istest of noble birth ? "
" No ! " said he, wildly ketchin hold of hisself. " You
don't say so ! "
" Indeed do I ! Your dead grandfather's sperrit comest to
me the tother night."
" Oh no, I guess it's a mistake," sed Moses.
" I'll bet two dollars and a quarter he did ! " replied Elizy.
" He said, ' Moses is a Disguised Juke ! ' '
" You mean Duke," said Moses.
" Dost not the actors all call it Juke ? " said she.
That settled the matter.
" I hav thought of this thing afore," said Moses, abstractedly.
" If it is so, then thus it must be ! 2 B or not 2 B ! Which?
Sow, sow ! But enuff. O life ! life ! you're too many for
me ! " He -tore out some of his pretty yeller hair, stampt on
the floor sevril times, and was gone.
CHAPTER III. THE PIRUT FOILED.
Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the seens
narrated in the last chapter took place. A noble ship, the
Sary Jane, is a sailin from France to Ameriky via the Wabash
Canal. A pirut ship is in hot pursoot of the Sary. The pirut
capting isn't a man of much principle and intends to kill all
the people on bored the Sary and confiscate the wallerbles.
The capting of the S. J. is on the pint of givin in, when a fine
lookin feller in russet boots and a buffalo overcoat rushes
forored and obsarves :
" Old man ! go down stairs ! Retire to the starbud bulk-
hed ! I'll take charge of this Bote ! "
<f Owdashus cuss ! " yelled the capting, " away with thee or I
shall do mur-rer-der-r-r ! "
" Skurcely," obsarved the stranger, and he drew a diamond-
160 MOSES THE SASSY.
hilted fish-knife and cut orf the capting's hed. He expired
shortly, his last words bein, (f we are governed too much."
" People ! " sed the stranger, I'm the Juke d'Moses ! "
" Old hoss ! " sed a passenger, " methinks thou art bio win ! '
whareupon the Juke cut orf his lied also.
" Oh that I should live to see myself a dead body! " screamed
the unfortnit man. " But don't print any verses about my
deth in the newspapers, for if you do I'll haunt ye ! "
"People! " sed the Juke, "I alone can save you from yon
bloody pirut ! Ho ! a peck of oats ! " The oats was brought,
and the Juke, boldly mountin the jibpoop, thro wed them onto
the towpath. The pirut rapidly approached, chucklin with
fiendish delight at the idee of increasin his ill-gotten gains.
But the leadin hoss of the pirut ship stopt suddeiit on cornin
to the oats, and commenst for to devour them. In vain the
piruts swore and throwd stones and bottles at the hoss he
wouldn't budge a inch. Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her
hosses on the full jump, was fast leavin the pirut ship !
"Onct agin do I escape deth ! " sed the Juke between hi
clencht teeth, still on the jibpoop.
The Juke was Moses the Sassy ! Yes, it was !
He had bin to France and now he was home agin in Bostin,
which gave birth to a Bunker Hill ! ! He had some trouble
in gitting hisself acknowledged as Juke in France, as the
Orleans Dienasty and Borebones were fernest him, but he
finally conkered. Elizy knowd him right off, as one of his ears
and a part of his nose had bin chawed off in his fights with
opposition firemen durin boyhood's sunny hours. They lived
to a green old age, beloved by all, both grate and small. Their
children, of which they have numerous, often go up onto the
Common and see the Fountain squirt.
"OH THAT I SHOULD LIVE TO SEE MYSELF A DED BODY
SCREAMED THE UNFORTNET MAN. [See Page 160.]
MARION. 161
This is my 1st attempt at writin a Tail & it is far from bein
perfeck, but if I have indoosed folks to see that in 9 cases out
of 10 they can either make life as barren as the Desert of
Sarah, or as joyous as a flower garding, my object will have
been accomplished, and more too.
MARION:
A ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL.
I.
, Friday, , 1860.
ON the sad sea shore! Always to hear the moaning of
these dismal waves !
Listen. I will tell you my stoiy my story of love, of
misery, of black despair.
I am a moral Frenchman.
She whom I adore, whom I adore still, is the wife of a fat
Marquis a lop-eared, blear-eyed, greasy Marquis. A man
without soul. A man without sentiment, who cares naught
for moonlight and music. A low, practical man, who pays
his debts. I hate him.
II.
She, my soul's delight, my empress, my angel, is superbly
beautiful.
I loved her at first sight devotedly, madly.
She dashed past me in her coupe. I saw her but a moment
perhaps only an instant but she took me captive then and
there, forevermore.
Forevermore !
162 MAEION.
" I followed her, after that, wherever she went. At length
she came to notice, to smile upon me. My motto was en
avant ! That is a French word. I got it out of the back part
of Worcester's Dictionary.
III.
She wrote me that I might come and see her at her own
house. Oh, joy, joy unutterable, to see her at her own
house !
I went to see her after nightfall, in the soft moonlight.
She came down the gravelled walk to meet me, on this beau-
tiful midsummer night came to me in pure white, her golden
hair in splendid disorder strangely beautiful, yet in tears !
She told me her fresh grievances.
The Marquis, always a despot, had latterly misused her most
vilely.
That very morning, at breakfast, he had cursed the fishballs
and sneered at the pickled onions.
She is a good cook. The neighbors will tell you so. And
to be told by the base Marquis- a man who, previous to his
marriage, had lived at the cheap eating-houses to be told
by him that her manner of frying fishballs was a failure it
was too much.
Her tears fell fast. I too wept. I mixed my sobs with
her'n. " Fly with me ! " I cried.
Her lips met mine. I held her in my arms. I felt her
breath upon my cheek ! It was Hunkey.
" Fly with me. To New York ! I will write romances
for the Sunday papers real French romances, with morals to
them. My style will be appreciated. Shop girls and young
mercantile persons will adore it, and I will amass wealth with
my ready pen."
Ere she could reply ere she could articulate her ecstasy,
her husband, the Marquis, crept snake-like upon me.
A ROMANCE WILLIAM BARKER 163
Shall I write it? He kicked ine out of the garden lie
kicked me into the street.
I did not return. How could I ? I, so ethereal, so full of
soul, of sentiment, of sparkling originality ! He, so gross, so
practical, so lop-eared !
Had I returned, the creature would have kicked me again.
So I left Paris for this place this place, so lonely, so
dismal.
Ah me!
Oh dear !
A ROMANCE. WILLIAM BARKER, THE YOUNG
PATRIOT.
I.
" No, William Barker, you cannot have my daughter's hand
in marriage until you are her equal in wealth and social posi-
tion."
The speaker was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and
the person whom he addressed was a fine-looking young man
of twenty-five.
With a sad aspect the young man withdrew from the stately
mansion.
II.
Six months later the young man stood in the presence of the
haughty old man.
" What ! you here again ? " angrily cried the old man.
"Ay, old man," proudly exclaimed William Barker. "I
am here, your daughter's equal and yours ? "
The old man's lips curled with scorn. A derisive smile lit
up his cold features ; when, casting violently upon the marble
164: A ROMANCE THE CONSCRIPT.
centre table an enormous roll of greenbacks, William. Barker
cried
" See ! Look on this wealth. And I've tenfold more !
Listen, old man ! You spurned me from your door. But I
did not despair. I secured a contract for furnishing the Army
of the with beef "
" Yes, yes ! " eagerly exclaimed the old man.
" and I bought up all the disabled cavalry horses I
could find "
ft I see ! I see ! " cried the old man. " And good beef they
make, too."
li They do ! they do ! and the profits are immense."
" I should say so ! "
" And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand ! "
" Boy, she is yours. But hold ! Look me in the eye.
Throughout all this have you been loyal ? "
" To the core ! " cried William Barker.
" And," continued the old man, in a voice husky with emo-
tion, " are you in favor of a vigorous prosecution of the war ? "
" I am, I am ! "
(( Then, boy, take her ! Maria, child, come hither. Your
William claims thee. Be happy, my children ! and whatever
our lot in life may be, let us all support the Government ! "
A ROMANCE. THE CONSCRIPT.
[Which may bother the reader a little unless he is familiar with the music of the day.]
CHAPTER I.
PHILANDER REED struggled with spool-thread and tape in a
dry-goods store at Ogdensburgh, on the St. Lawrence River,
State of New York. He Rallied Round the Flag, Boys, and
A ROMANCE THE CONSCRIPT. 165
Hailed Columbia every time she passed that way. One day a
regiment returning from the war Came Marching Along, bring-
ing An Intelligent Contraband with them, who left the South
about the time Babylon was a-Fallin', and when it was appar-
ent to all well-ordered minds that the Kingdom was Coming,
accompanied by the Day of Jubiloo. Philander left his spool-
thread and tape, rushed into the street, and by his Long-Tail
Blue, said, " Let me kiss him for his Mother." Then, with
patriotic jocularity, he inquired, " How is your High Daddy in
the Morning? " to which Pomp of Cudjo's Cave replied, " That
poor Old Slave has gone to rest, we ne'er shall see him more !
But IT. S. G. is the man for me, or Any Other Man." Then
he Walked Round.
" And your Master," said Philander, (( where is he ? "
"Massa's in the cold, cold ground at least I hope so!"
said the gay contraband.
' ; March on, March on! all hearts rejoice!" cried ihe
Colonel, who was mounted on a Bob-tailed nag on which, in
times of Peace, my soul, O Peace ! he had betted his money.
" Yaw," said a German Bold Sojer Boy, " we don't-fights-
mit-Segel as much as we did."
The regiment marched on, and Philander betook himself to
his mother's Cottage Near the Banks of that Lone River, and
rehearsed the stirring speech he was to make that night at a
war meeting.
" It's just before the battle, Mother," he said, " and I want
to say something that will encourage Grant."
CHAPTER II. MABEL.
Mabel Tucker was an orphan. Her father, Dan Tucker,
was run over one day by a train of cars, though he needn't
have been, for the kind-hearted engineer told him to Git Out
of the Way.
Mabel early manifested a marked inclination for the milli-
166 A ROMANCE THE CONSCRIPT.
nery business, and at the time we introduce her to our readers
she was Chief Engineer of a Millinery Shop and Boss of a Sew-
ing Machine.
Philander Reed loved Mabel Tucker, and Ever of her was
Fondly Dreaming ; and she used to say, " Will you love me
Then as Now ? " to which he would answer that he would, and
without the written consent of his parents.
She sat in the parlor of the Cot where she was Born, one
Summer's eve, with pensive thought, when Somebody came
Knockin^ at the Door. It was Philander. Fond Embrace and
O
things. Thrilling emotions. P. very pale and shaky in the
legs. Also, sweaty.
" Where hast thou been ? " she said. " Hast been gathering
shells from youth to age, and then leaving them like a che-eild ?
Why this tremors? Why these Sadfulness ? "
(l Mabeyuel ! " he cried, " Mabeyuel ! They've Drafted me
into the Army ! "
An Orderly Sergeant now appears and says, a Come, Phil-
ander, let's be a-marching ; " and he tore her from his embrace
(P.'s) and marched the conscript to the Examining Surgeon's
office.
Mabel fainted in two places. It was worse than Brothers
Fainting at the Door.
CHAPTER III. THE CONSCRIPT.
Philander Reed hadn't three hundred dollars, being a dead-
broken Reed, so he must either become one of the noble Band
who are Coming, Father Abraham, three hundred thousand.
more, or skeddadle across the St. Lawrence River to the
Canada Line. As his opinions had recently undergone a
radical change, he chose the latter course, and was soon Afloat,
afloat, on the swift-rolling tide. " Row, brothers, row," he
cried, " the stream runs fast, the Sergeant is near, and the
'Zamination's past, and I'm a able-bodied man."
A ROMANCE THE CONSCRIPT. 167
Landing he at once imprinted a conservative kiss on the
Canada Line, and feelingly asked himself, "Who will care for
Mother now ? But I propose to stick it out on this Line if it
takes all Summer."
CHAPTER IV. THE MEETING.
It was evening, it was. The Star of the Evening, Beautiful
Star, shone brilliantly, adorning the sky with those Neutral
tints which have characterized all British skies ever since this
War broke out.
Philander sat on the Canada Line, playing with his Yard-
stick, and perhaps about to take the measure of an unmade
piece of calico ; when Mabel, with a wild cry of joy, sprang
from a small-boat to his side. The meeting was too much.
They divided a good square faint between them this time. At
last Philander found his utterance, and said, " Do" they think
of me at Home, do they ever think of me ? "
" No," she replied, " but they do at the recruiting office."
"Ha! 'tis well."
" Nay, dearest," Mabel pleaded, " come home and go to the
war like a man ! I will take your place in the Dry Goods
store. True, a musket is a little heavier than a yardstick, but
isn't it a rather more manly weapon ? "
" I don't see it," was Philander's reply ; " besides, this war
isn't conducted accordin' to the Constitution and Union.
When it is when it is, Mabeyuel, I will return and enlist
as a Convalescent ! "
" Then, sir," she said, with much American disgust in her
countenance, " then, sir, farewell ! "
" Farewell ! " he said, " and When this Cruel War is Over,
pray that we may meet again ! "
" Nary ! " cried Mabel, her eyes flashing warm fire, " naiy !
None but the Brave deserve the Sanitary Fair ! A man who
will desert his country in its hour of trial would drop Faro
checks into the Contribution Box on Sunday. I hain't Got
108 A ROMANCE ONLY A MECHANIC.
time to tarry I hain't got time to stay ! but here's a gift
at parting : a White Feather : wear it in your hat ! " and She
was Gone from his gaze, like a beautiful dream.
Stung with remorse and mosquitoes, this miserable young
man, in a fit of frenzy, unsheathed his glittering dry-goods scis-
sors, cut off four yards (good measure) of the Canada Line, and
hanged himself on a Willow Tree. Requiescat in Tape. His
stick drifted to My Country, 'tis of thee ! and may be seen, in
connection with many others, on the stage of any New York
theatre every night.
The Canadians won't have any line pretty soon. The skedad-
dlers will steal it. Then the Canadians won't know whether
they're in the United States or not, in which case they may be
drafted.
Mabel married a Brigadier-General, and is happy.
A ROMANCE. ONLY A MECHANIC.
IN a sumptuously furnished parlor in Fifth Avenue, New
York, sat a proud and haughty belle. Her name was Isabel
Sawtelle. Her father was a millionnaire, and his ships, richly
laden, ploughed many a sea.
By the side of Isabel Sawtelle sat a young man with a clear,
beautiful eye, and a massive brow.
" I must go," he said, " the foreman will wonder at my
absence."
" The foreman f " asked Isabel in a tone of surprise.
" Yes, the foreman of the shop where I work."
" Foreman shop work ! What ! do you work."
" Aye, Miss Sawtelle ! I am a cooper ! " and his eyes
flashed with honest pride.
" What's that ? " she asked ; " it is something about barrels,
isn't it ! "
ROBERTO THE ROVER. 169
ft It is ! " he said, with a flashing nostril. " And hogsheads."
'* Then go ! " she said, in a tone of disdain " go aicay ! "
<c Ha ! " he cried, " you spurn me, then, because I am a me-
chanic. Well, be it so! though the time will come, Isabel
Sawtelle," he added, and nothing could exceed his looks at this
moment "when you will bitterly remember the cooper you
now so cruelly cast off! Farewell!"
Years rolled on. Isabel Sawtelle married a miserable aristo-
crat, who recently died of delirium tremens. Her father failed,
and is now a raving maniac, and wants to bite little children.
All her brothers (except one) were sent to the penitentiary for
burglary, and her mother peddles clams that are stolen for her
by little George, her only son that has his freedom. Isabel's
sister Bianca rides an immoral spotted horse in the circus, her
husband having long since been hanged for murdering his own
uncle on his mother's side. Thus we see that it is always best
to marry a mechanic.
ROBERTO THE ROVER: A TALE OF SEA AND
SHORE.
CHAPTER I. FRANCE.
OUR story opens in the early part of the year 17 . France
was rocking wildly from centre to circumference. The arch
despot and unscrupulous man, Richard the III., was trembling
like an aspen leaf upon his throne. He had been successful,
through the valuable aid of Richelieu and Sir Wm. Bonn,
in destroying the Orleans Dysentery, but still he trembled!
170 ROBERTO THE ROVER
O'Mulligan, the snake-eater of Ireland, and Schnappsgoot of
Holland, a retired dealer in gin and sardines, had united their
forces some nineteen men. and a brace of bull pups in all
and were overtly at work, their object being to oust the tyrant.
O'Mulligan was a young man between fifty-three years of age,
and was chiefly distinguished for being the son of his aunt on
his great grandfather's side. Schnappsgoot was a man of liberal
education, having passed three weeks at Oberlin College. He
was a man of great hardihood, also, and would frequently read
an entire column of "railway matters" in the Cleveland
Herald without shrieking with agony.
CHAPTER II. THE KING.
The tyrant Richard the III. (late Mr. Gloster) sat upon his
throne in the Palace d' St. Cloud. He was dressed in his best
clothes, and gorgeous trappings surrounded him everywhere.
Courtiers, in glittering and golden armor, stood ready at his
beck. He sat moodily for a while, when suddenly his sword
flashed from its silvern scabbard, and he shouted
" Slaves, some wine, ho ! "
The words had scarcely escaped his lips ere a bucket of
champagne and a hoe were placed before him.
As the king raised the bucket to his lips, a deep voice near
by, proceeding from the mouth of the noble Count Staghisnibs,
cried " Drink hearty, old feller."
" Reports, travelling on lightning-wings, whisper of strange
goings on and cuttings up throughout this kingdom. Knowest
thou aught of these things, most noble Hellitysplit ? " and the
king drew from the upper pocket of his gold-faced vest a paper
of John Anderson's solace and proceeded to take a chaw.
" Treason stalks monster-like throughout unhappy Fiance,
my liege! " said the noble Hellitysplit. "The ranks of the i*.
Q. R.'s are daily swelling, and the G. R. J. A.'s are constantly
on the increase. Already the peasantry scout at cat-fish, and
ROBERTO THE ROVER. 171
demand pickled salmon for their noonday repasts. But, my
liege," and the brave Hellitysplit's eyes flashed fire, (t myself
and sword are at thy command ! "
" Bully for you, Count," said the king. " But soft: ine-
thinks report perchance unjustly hast spoken suspiciously
of thee, most Royal d' Sardine ? How is this ? Is it a news-
paper yarn ? WHAT'S UP ? "
D'Sardine meekly approached the throne, knelt at the
king's feet, and said : " Most patient, gray, and red-headed
skinner ; my very approved shin-plaster : that I've been asked
to drink by the P. Q. R.'s, it is most true ; true, I have im-
bibed sundry mugs of lager with them. The very head and
front of my offending hath this extent, no more."
" 'Tis well ! " said the King, rising and looking fiercely
around. % " Hadst thou proved false I would with my own good
sword have cut off yer head, and spilled your ber-lud all over
the floor ! If I wouldn't, blow me ! "
CHAPTER III. THE ROVER.
Thrilling as the scenes depicted in the preceding chapter
indubitably were, those of this are decidedly THRILLINGER.
Again are we in the mighty presence of the King, and again is
he surrounded by splendor and gorgeously-mailed courtiers. A
sea-faring man stands before him. It is Roberto the Rover,
disguised as a common sailor.
" So," said the King, " thou wouldst have audience with
me!"
"Aye, aye, yer 'onor," said the sailor, "just tip us yer
grapplin irons and pipe all hands on deck. Reef home yer jib-
poop and splice yer main topsuls. Man the jibboom and let fly
yer top-gallunts. I've seen some salt water in my days, yer land-
lubber, but shiver my timbers if I hadn't rather coast among
seagulls than landsharks. My name is Sweet William.
You're old Dick the Three! Ahoy! Awast! Dam my
eyes ! " and Sweet William pawed the marble floor and swung
172 ROBERTO THE ROVER.
his tarpaulin after the manner of sailors on the stage, and con-
sequently not a bit like those on shipboard.
' " Mariner," said the King, gravely, " thy language is exceed-
ing lucid, and leads me to infer that things is workin' bad."
" Aye, aye, my hearty ! " yelled Sweet William, in dulcet
strains, reminding the King of the "voluptuous smell of
physic," spoken of by the late Mr. Byron.
" What wouldst thou, seafaring man ? " asked the King.
" This ! " cried the Rover, suddenly taking off his maritime
clothing and putting on an expensive suit of silk, bespangled
with diamonds. " This ! I am Roberto the Rover ! "
The King was thunder-struck. Cowering back in his chair
of state, he said in a tone of mingled fear and amazement,
Well, may I be gaul-darned ! "
" Ber-lud ! ber-lud ! ber-lud ! " shrieked the Rover, as he
drew a horse-pistol and fired it at the King, who fell fatally
killed, his last words being, " WE ARE GOVERNED TOO MUCH
THIS is THE LAST OF EARTH! ! !" At this exciting junc-
ture Messrs. O'Mulligan and Schnappsgoot (who had previ-
ously entered into a copartnership with the Rover for the
purpose of doing a general killing business) burst into the
room and cut off the heads and let out the inwards of all the
noblemen they encountered. They then killed themselves and
died like heroes, wrapped up in the Star Spangled Banner, to
slow music.
FINALE.
The Rover fled. He was captured near Marseilles and
thrust into prison, where he lay for sixteen weary years, all
attempts to escape being futile. One night a lucky thought
struck him. He raised the window and got out. But he was
unhappy. Remorse and dyspepsia preyed upon his vitals.
He tried Boerhave's Holland Bitters and the Retired Physi-
cian's Sands of Life, and got well. He then married the
lovely Countess D'Smith, and lived to a green old age, being
the triumph of virtue and downfall of vice.
RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. 173
RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE.
CHAPTER I.
" Life's but a walking shadow a poor player." Shakespeare.
" Let me die to sweet music." J. W. Shuckers.
" Go forth, Clarence Stanley ! Hence to the bleak world,
dog! You have repaid my generosity with the blackest in-
gratitude. You have forged my name on a five thousand
dollar check have repeatedly robbed my money drawer
have perpetrated a long series of high-handed villanies, and
now to-night, because, forsooth, I'll not give you more money
to spend on your dissolute companions, you break a chair over
my aged head. Away ! You are a young man of small moral
principle. Don't ever speak to me again ! "
These harsh words fell from the lips of Horace Blinker, one
of the merchant princes of New York City. He spoke to
Clarence Stanley, his adopted son and a beautiful youth of
nineteen summers. In vain did Clarence plead his poverty,
his tender age, and inexperience ; in vain did he fasten those
lustrous blue eyes of his appealingly and tearfully upon Mr.
Blinker, and tell him he would make the pecuniary matter all
right in the fall, and that he merely shattered a chair over his
head by way of a joke. The stony-hearted man was remorse-
less, and that night Clarence Stanley became a wanderer in the
wide, wide world ! As he went forth he uttered these words :
"H. Blinker, beware! A RED HAND is around, my fine
feller ! "
174: RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE.
CHAPTER II.
" a man of strange, wild mien one who has seen trouble. " Sir Walter Scott.
"You ask me, don't I wish to see the Constitution dissolved and broken up. I answer,
never, never, KEVEB 1 " H. W. Faxon.
" They will join our expedition/' Anon.
"Go in on your muscle." President Buchanaris instructions to the Collector of
Toledo.
"Westward the hoe of Empire Stars its way." George N. True.
"Where liberty dwells there is my kedentry." C. It. Dennett.
Seventeen years have become ingulfed in the vast and
moist ocean of eternity since the scene depicted in the last
chapter occurred. We are in Mexico. Come with me to the
Scarlet Banditti's cave. It is night. A tempest is raging
tempestuously without, but within we find a scene of dazzling
magnificence. The cave is spacious. Chandeliers of solid gold
hang up suspended round the gorgeously furnished room, and
the marble floor is star-studded with flasjiing diamonds. It
must have cost between two hundred dollars to fit this cave
up. It embraced all of the modern improvements. At the
head of the cave life-size photographs (by Ryder) of the ban-
dits, and framed in gilt, were hung up suspended. The bandits
were seated around a marble table, which was sculped regard-
less of expense, and were drinking gin and molasses out of
golden goblets. When they got out of gin fresh supplies were
brought in by slaves from a two-horse wagon outside, which
had been captured that day, after a desperate and bloody strug-
gle, by the bandits, on the plains of Buena Vista.
At the head of the table sat the Chief. His features were
swarthy but elegant. He was splendidly dressed in new
clothes, and had that voluptuous, dreamy air of grandeur about
him which would at once rivet the gaze of folks genei'ally. In
answer to a highly enthusiastic call he arose and delivered an
able and eloquent speech. We regret that our space does not
permit us to give this truly great speech in full we can
merely give a synopsis of the distinguished speaker's remarks :
" Comrades ! listen to your chief. You all know my position
RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. 175
on Lecompton. Where I stand in regard to low tolls on the
Ohio Canal is equally clear to you, and so with the Central
American question. I believe I understand my little Biz. I
decline denning my position on the Horse Railroad until after
the Spring Election. Whichever way I says I don't say so
myself unless I says so also. Comrades ! be virtuous and
you'll be happy." The Chief sat down amidst great applause,
and was immediately presented with an elegant gold-headed
cane by his comrades, as a slight testimonial of their respect.
CHAPTER III.
" This is the last of Earth.." Page.
" The hope of America lies in its well-conducted school-houses." Bone.
" I wish it to be distinctly understood that I want the Union to be Reserved"." N. T.
Nash.
*' Sjne qua non Ips Dixit Quid pro quo cui bono Ad infinitim E Unibus plurum."
Brown.
Two hours later. Return we again to the Banditti's Cave.
Revelry still holds high carnival among the able and efficient
bandits. A knock is heard at the door. From his throne at
the head of the table the Chief cries, l< Come in ! " and an old
man, haggard, white-haired, and sadly bent, enters the cave.
" Messieurs," he tremblingly ejaculates, "for seventeen
years I have not tasted of food ! "
" Well," says a kind-hearted bandit, " if that's so I expect
you must be rather faint. We'll get you up a warm meal im-
mediately, stranger."
" Hold ! " whispered the Chief in tones of thunder, and
rushing slowly to the spot ; " this is about played out. Behold
in me RED HAND, the Bandit Chief, once Clarence Stanley,
whom you cruelly turned into a cold world seventeen years
ago this very night ! Old man, prepare to go up ! " Saying
which the Chief drew a sharp carving knife and cut off Mr.
Blinker's ears. He then scalped Mr. B., and cut all of his
176 RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE.
toes off. The old man struggled to extricate himself from his
unpleasant situation, but was unsuccessful.
" My goodness," he piteously exclaimed, t( I must say you
are pretty rough. It seems to me ."
This is all of this intensely interesting tale that will be pub-
lished in the PLAIN DEALER. The remainder of it may be
found in the great moral family paper, et The Windy Flash,"
published in New York, by Stimpkins. The Windy Flash cir-
culates 4,000,000 copies weekly.
IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED.
IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED.
IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED.
IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED.
IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD.
IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD.
IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD.
IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD.
IT'S A MORAL PAPER.
SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES.
SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES.
SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES.
SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES.
PYROTECHNY. 177
PYROTECHNY.
I. THE PEACEFUL HAMLET.
NESTLING among the grand hills of New Hampshire, in the
United States of America, is a village called Waterbury.
Perhaps you were never there.
I do not censure you if you never were.
One can get on very well without going to Waterbury.
Indeed, there are millions of meritorious persons who were
never there, and yet they are happy.
In this peaceful hamlet lived a young man named Pettingill.
Reuben Pettingill.
He was an agriculturist.
A broad-shouldered, deep-chested agriculturist.
He was contented to live in this peaceful hamlet.
He said it was better than a noisy Othello.
Thus do these simple children of nature joke in a first class
manner.
II. MYSELF.
I write this romance in the French style.
Yes: something that way.
The French style consists of making just as many paragraphs
as possible.
Thus one may fill up a column in a very short time.
I am paid by the column, and the quicker I can fill up a
column but this is a matter to which we will not refer.
We will let this matter pass.
8*
178 PYROTECHNT.
III. PETTINGILL.
Reuben Pettingill was extremely industrious.
He worked hard all the year round on his father's little
farm.
Right he was ! Industry is a very fine thing.
It is one of the finest things of which we have any knowledge.
Yet do not frown, " do not weep for me," when I state that
I don't like it.
It doesn't agree with me.
I prefer indolence.
I am happiest when I am idle.
I could live for months without performing any kind of la-
bor, and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and
vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous
more months.
This should not surprise you.
Nothing that a modern novellist does should excite astonish-
ment in any well-regulated mind.
IV. INDEPENDENCE DAY.
The 4th of July is always celebrated in America with guns,
and processions, and banners, and all those things.
You know why we celebrate this day.
The American Revolution, in 1775, was perhaps one of the
finest revolutions that was ever seen. But I have not time to
give you a full history of the American Revolution. It would
consume years to do it, and I might weary you.
One 4th of July Reuben Pettingill went to Boston.
He saw great sights.
He saw the dense throng of people, the gay volunteers, the
banners, and, above all, he saw the fireworks.
I despise myself for using so low a word, but the fireworks
Clicked "him.
PTROTECHNT. 179
A new world was opened to this young man.
He returned to his parents and the little farm among the
hills, with his heart full of fireworks.
He said, " I will make some myself."
\ He said this while eating a lobster on top of the coach.
He was an extraordinary skilful young man in the use of a
common clasp-knife.
"With that simple weapon he could make, from soft wood,
horses, dogs, cats, &c. He carved excellent soldiers also.
I remember his masterpiece.
It was " Napoleon crossing the Alps."
Looking at it critically, I should say it was rather short of
Alps.
An Alp or two more would have improved it: but, as a
whole, it was a wonderful piece of work ; and what a wonderful
piece of work is a wooden man, when his legs and arms are all
right.
V. WHAT THIS YOUNG MAN SAID.
He said, " I can make just as good fireworks as them in
Boston."
" Them " was not grammatical, but why care for grammar as
long as we are good ?
Pettingill neglected the farm.
He said that it might till itself' he should manufacture
some gorgeous fireworks, and exhibit them on the village green
on the next 4th of July.
He said the Eagle of Fame would flap his wings over their
humble roof ere many months should pass away.
" If he does," said old Mr. Pettingill, " we must shoot him,
and bile him, and eat him, because we shall be rather short of
meat, my son, if you go on in this lazy way."
180 PTROTECHNT.
And the old man wept.
He shed over 120 gallons of tears.
That is to say, a puncheon. But by all means let us avoid
turning this romance into a farce.
VII. PYROTECHNY.
But the headstrong young man went to work, making fire-
works.
He bought and carefully studied a work on pyrotechny.
The villagers knew that he was a remarkably skilful young
man, and they all said, ' ' We shall have a great treat next 4th
of July."
Meanwhile Pettingill worked away.
VIII. THE DAY.
THE great day came at last.
Thousands poured into the little village from far and near.
There was an oration, of course.
IX. ORATORY IN AMERICA.
Yes; there was an oration.
We have a passion for oratory in America political 01
tory chiefly.
Our political orators never lose a chance to f express the
views."
They will do it. You cannot stop them.
There was an execution in Ohio one day, and the Sheriff,
before placing the rope round the murderer's neck, asked him
if he had any remarks to make ?
" If he hasn't," said a well-known local orator, pushing his
PTEOTECKNT. 181
way rapidly through the dense crowd to the gallows " if our,
ill-starred feller-citizen don't feel inclined to make a speech
and is in no hurry, I should like to avail myself of the present
occasion to make some remarks on the necessity of a new pro-
tective tariff! "
As I said in Chapter VIII., there was an oration. There
were also processions, and guns, and banners.
" This evening," said the chairman of the committee of ar-
rangements, " this evening, fellow-citizens, there will be a grand
display of fireworks on the village green, superintended by the
inventor and manufacturer, our public-spirited townsman, Mr.
Reuben Pettingill."
Night closed in, and an immense concourse of people gath-
ered on the village green.
On a raised platform, amidst his fireworks, stood Pettingill.
He felt that the great hour of his life was come, and, in a
firm, clear voice, he said :
" The fust fireworks, feller-citizens, will be a rocket, which
will go up in the air, bust, and assume the shape of a serpint."
He applied a match to the rocket, but instead of going up in
the air, it flew wildly down into the grass, running some dis-
tance with a hissing kind of sound, and causing the masses to
jump round in a very insane manner.
Pettingill was disappointed, but not disheartened. He tried
again.
" The next fireworks," he said, " will go up in the air, bust,
and become a beautiful revolvin' wheel."
But, alas ! it didn't. It only ploughed a little furrow in the
green grass, like its unhappy predecessor.
The masses laughed at this, and one man a white-haired
old villager said, kindly but firmly, " Reuben, I'm 'fraid you
don't understand pyrotechny."
182 PYROTECHNY.
Reuben was amazed. Why did his rockets go down instead
of up ? But, perhaps, the others would be more successful j
and, with a flushed face, and in a voice scarcely as firm as be-
fore, he said :
11 The next specimen of pyrotechny will go up in the air,
bust, and become a eagle. Said eagle will soar away into the
western skies, leavin' a red trail behind him as he so soars."
But, alas ! again. No eagle soared, but, on the contrary,
that ordinarily proud bird buried its head in the grass.
The people were dissatisfied. They made sarcastic remarks.
Some of them howled angrily. The aged man who had before
spoken said, il No, Reuben, you evidently don't understand
pyrotechny."
Pettingill boiled with rage and disappointment.
(t You don't understand pyrotechny ! " the masses shouted.
Then they laughed in a disagreeable manner, and some un-
feeling lads threw dirt at our hero.
" You don't understand pyrotechny ! " the masses yelled
again.
" Don't I ? " screamed Pettingill, wild with rage ; " don't
you think I do ? "
Then seizing several gigantic rockets he placed them over a
box of powder, and touched the whole off.
This rocket went up. It did, indeed.
There was a terrific explosion.
No one was killed, fortunately ; though many were injured.
The platform was almost torn to pieces.
But proudly erect among the falling timbers stood Pettingill,
his face flashing with wild triumph ; and he shouted : " If I'm
any judge of pyrotechny, that rocket has went off."
Then seeing that all the fingers on his right hand had been
taken close off in the explosion, he added : " And I ain't so
dreadful certain but four of my fingers has went off with it,
because I don't see 'em here now ! "
A MORMON ROMANCE 183
A MORMON ROMANCE REGINALD GLOVERSON.
CHAPTER I.-
THE morning on which Reginald Gloverson was to leave
Great Salt Lake City with a mule-train, dawned beautifully.
Reginald Gloverson was a young and thrifty Mormon, with
an interesting family of twenty young and handsome wives.
His unions had never been blessed with children. As often as
once a year he used to go to Omaha, in Nebraska, with a mule-
train for goods ; but although he had performed the rather
perilous journey many times with entire safety, his heart was
strangely sad on this particular morning, and filled with gloomy
forebodings.
The time for his departure had arrived. The high-spirited
mules were at the door, impatiently champing their bits. The
Mormon stood sadly among his weeping wives.
" Dearest ones," he said, " I am singularly sad at heart,
this morning ; but do not let this depress you. The journey
is a perilous one, but pshaw ! I have always come back
safely heretofore, and why should I fear ? Besides, I know
that every night, as I lay down on the broad starlit prairie,
your bright faces will come to me in my dreams, and make my
slumbers sweet and gentle. You, Emily, with your mild blue
eyes ; and you, Henrietta, with your splendid black hair ; and
you, Nelly, with your hair so brightly, beautifully golden ; and
you, Mollie, with your cheeks so downy ; and you, Betsy, with
your wine-red lips far more delicious, though, than any
wdne I ever tasted and you, Maria, with your winsome
voice ; and you, Susan, with your with your that is to
say, Susan, with your and the other thirteen of you, each
184 A MORMON ROMANCE.
so good and beautiful, will come to me in sweet dreams, will
you not, Dearestists ? "
" Our own," they lovingly chimed, " we will ! "
" And so farewell ! " cried Reginald. " Come to my arms,
my own ! " he said, " that is, as many of you as can do it con-
veniently at once, for I must away."
He folded several of them to his throbbing breast, and
drove sadly away.
But he had not gone far when the trace of the off-hind mule
became unhitched. Dismounting, he essayed to adjust the
trace ; but ere he had fairly commenced the task, the mule, a
singularly refractory animal snorted wildly, and kicked Re-
ginald frightfully in the stomach. He arose with difficulty,
and tottered feebly towards his mother's house, which was
near by, falling dead in her yard, with the remark, " Dear
Mother, I've come home to die ! "
" So I see," she said ; " where's the mules ? "
Alas ! Reginald Gloverson could give no answer. In vain
the heart-stricken mother threw herself upon his inanimate
form, crying, " Oh, my son my son ! only tell me where the
mules are, and then you may die if you want to."
In vain in vain ! Reginald had passed on.
CHAPTER II. FUNERAL TRAPPINGS.
The mules were never found.
Reginald's heart-broken mother took the body home to her
unfortunate son's widows. But before her arrival she indis-
creetly sent a boy to Bust the news gently to the afflicted wives,
which he did by informing them in a hoarse whisper that their
" old man had gone in."
The wives felt very badly indeed.
A MORMON ROMANCE. 185
" He was devoted to me," sobbed Emily.
" And to me," said Maria.
" Yes," said Emily, " he thought considerably of you, but
not so much as he did of me."
" I say he did!"
" And I say he didn't ! "
" He did ! "
" He didn't ! "
" Don't look at me, with your squint eyes ! "
" Don't shake your red head at me ! "
" Sisters ! " said the black-haired Henrietta, f cease this un-
seemly wrangling. I, as his first wife, shall strew flowers on
his grave."
*' No you won't" said Susan. (t I, as his last wife, shall
strew flowers on his grave. It's my business to strew ! "
" You shan't, so there ! " said Henrietta.
" You bet I will ! " said Susan, with a tear-suffused cheek.
" Well, as for me," said the practical Betsy, " I ain't on
the Strew, much, but 1 shall ride at the head of the funeral
procession ! "
(C Not if I've been introduced to myself, you won't," said
the golden-haired Nelly ; <l that's my position. You bet your
bonnet-strings it is."
" Children," said Reginald's mother, " you must do some
crying, you know, on the day of the funeral ; and how many
pocket-handkerchers will it take to go round? Betsy, you
and Nelly ought to make one do between you."
" I'll tear her eyes out if she perpetrates a sob on my hand-
kercher ! " said Nelly.
" Dear daughters-in-law," said Reginald's mother, " how un-
seemly is this aager ! Mules is five hundred dollars a span,
and every identical mule my poor boy had has been gobbled
up by the red man. I knew when my Reginald staggered into
the door-yard that he was on the Die, but if I'd only thunk to
ask him about them mules ere his gentle spirit took flight, it
would have been four thousand dollars in our pockets, and no
186 A MORMON ROMANCE.
mistake ! Excuse those real tears, but you've never felt a
parent's feelin's."
" It's an oversight," sobbed Maria. " Don't blame us ! "
CHAPTER III. DUST TO DUST.
The funeral passed off in a very pleasant manner, nothing
occurring to mar the harmony of the occasion. By a happy
thought of Reginald's mother, the wives walked to the grave
twenty abreast, which rendered that part of the ceremony
thoroughly impartial.
* * *****
That night the twenty wives, with heavy hearts, sought
their twenty respective couches. But no Reginald occupied
those twenty respective couches Reginald would nevermore
linger all night in blissful repose in those twenty respective
couches Reginald's head would nevermore press the twenty
respective pillows of those twenty respective couches never,
nevermore !
*******
In another house, not many leagues from the House of
Mourning, a gray-haired woman was weeping passionately.
"He died," she cried, "he died without sigerfyin', in any
espect, where them mules went to ! "
CHAPTER IV. MARRIED AGAIN.
Two years are supposed to elapse between the third and
fourth chapters of this original American romance.
A manly Mormon, one evening, as the sun was preparing to
set among a select apartment of gold and crimson clouds in
the western horizon although for that matter the sun has a
right to " set " where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen
A MORMON ROMANCE. 187
a manly Mormon, I say, tapped gently at the door of the
mansion of the late Reginald Gloverson.
The door was opened by Mrs. Susan Gloverson.
" Is this the house of the widow Gloverson ? " the Mor-
mon
It is," said Susan.
" And how many is there of she ? " inquired the Mormon.
" There is about twenty of her, including me," courteously
returned the fair Susan.
"Can I see her?"
" You can."
" Madam," he softly said, addressing the twenty disconsolate
widows. " I have seen part of you before ! And although I
have already twenty-five wives, whom I respect and tenderly
care for, I can truly say that I never felt love's holy thrill
till I saw thee ! Be mine be mine ! " he enthusiastically
cried, " and we will show the world a striking illustration of
the beauty and truth of the noble lines, only a good deal more
so
" Twenty-one souls with a single thought,
Twenty-one hearts that beat as one ! "
They were united, they were !
Gentle reader, does not the moral of this romance show
that does it not, in fact, show that however many there may
be of a young widow woman, or rather does it not show that
whatever number of persons one woman may consist of
well, never mind what it slwws. Only this writing Mormon
romances is confusing to the intellect. You try it and see.
TO CALIFORNIA AND RETURN.
ON THE STEAMER.
NEW YORK, Oct. 13, 1863.
THE steamer Ariel starts for California at noon.
Her decks are crowded with excited passengers, who insanely
undertake to " look after " their trunks and things ; and what
with our smashing against each other, and the yells of the por-
ters, and the wails over lost baggage, and the crash of boxes,
and the roar of the boilers, we are for the time being about as
unhappy a lot of maniacs as were ever thrown together.
I am one of them. I am rushing round with a glaring eye
in search of a box.
Great jam, in which I find a sweet young lady, with golden
hair, clinging to me fondly, and saying, " Dear George, farewell ! "
Discovers her mistake, and disappears.
I should like to be George some more.
Confusion so great that I seek refuge in a stateroom which
contains a single lady of forty-five summers, who says, " Base
man ! leave me ! " I leave her.
By and by we cool down, and become somewhat regulated.
190 THE ISTHMUS.
The next day and the next pass by in a serene manner. The
waves are smooth now, and we can all eat and sleep. We might
have enjoyed ourselves very well, I fancy, if the Ariel, whose
capacity was about three hundred and fifty passengers, had not
on this occasion carried nearly nine hundred, a hundred at least
of whom were children of an unpleasant age. Captain Semmes
captured the Ariel once, and it is to be deeply regretted that that
thrifty buccaneer hadn't made mince-meat of her, because she is
a miserable tub at best, and hasn't much more right to be afloat
than a second-hand coffin has. I do not know her proprietor,
Mr. C. Yanderbilt. But I know of several excellent mill privi-
leges in the State of Maine, and not one of them is so thorough-
ly Darned as he was all the way from New York to Aspinwall.
I have spoken my Piece about the Ariel, and I hope Mr.
Vanderbilt will reform ere it is too late. Dr. Watts says the
vilest sinner may return as long as the gas-meters work well,
or words to that effect.
I
We were so densely crowded on board the Ariel that I cannot
conscientiously say we were altogether happy. And sea- voyages
at best are a little stupid. On the whole I should prefer a
voyage on the Erie Canal, where there isn't any danger, and
where you can carry picturesque scenery along with you so to
speak.
II.
THE ISTHMUS.
ON the ninth day we reach Aspinwall in the Republic of
Grenada. The President of New Granada is a Central Ameri-
can named Mosquero. I was told that he derived quite a por-
THE ISTHMUS. 191
tion of his income by carrying passengers' valises and things
from the steamer to the hotels in Aspinwall. It was an infa-
mous falsehood. Fancy A. Lincoln carrying carpet-bags and
things ! and indeed I should rather trust him with them than
Mosquero, because the former gentleman, as I think some one
has before observed, is " honest."
I intrust my bag to a speckled native, who confidentially
gives me to understand that he is the only strictly honest per-
son in Aspinwall. The rest, he says, are niggers which the
colored people of the Isthmus regard as about as scathing a
thing as they can say of one another.
I examine the New Grenadian flag, which waves from the
chamber-window of a refreshment saloon. It is of simple design.
You can make one.
Take half of a cotton shirt, that has been worn two months,
and dip it in molasses of the Day & Martin brand. Then let
the flies gambol over it for a few days, and you have it. It is
an emblem of Sweet Liberty.
At the Howard House the man of sin rubbeth the hair of
the horse to the bowels of the cat, and our girls are waving
their lily-white Jioofs in the dazzling waltz.
We have a quadrille, in which an English person slips up and
jams his massive brow against my stomach. He apologizes, and
I say, "all right, my lord." I subsequently ascertained that
he superintended the shipping of coals for the British steamers,
and owned fighting cocks.
The natives amass wealth by carrying valises, <fec., then squan-
der it for liquor. My native comes to me as I sit on the ve-
randa of the Howard House smoking a cigar, and solicits the
job of taking my things to the cars next morning. He is intoxi-
cated, and has been fighting, to the palpable detriment of his
wearing apparel ; for he has only a pair of tattered pantaloons
and a very small quantity of shirt left.
192 THE ISTHMUS.
We go to bed. Eight of us are assigned to a small den up-
stairs, with only two lame apologies for beds.
Mosquitoes and even rats annoy us fearfully. One bold rat
gnaws at the feet of a young Englishman in the party. This
was more than the young Englishman could stand, and risin<*
from his bed he asked us if New Grenada wasn't a Republic ?
We said it was. " I thought so," he said. C( Of course I mean
no disrespect to the United States of America in the remark,
but I think I prefer a bloated monarchy ! " He smiled sadly
then handing his purse and his mother's photograph to another
English person, he whispered softly, " If I am eaten up, give them
to Me mother tell her I died like a true Briton, with no faith
whatever in the success of a republican form of government ! "
And then he crept back to bed again.
We start at seven the next morning for Panama.
My native comes bright and early to transport my carpet
sack to the railway station. His clothes have suffered still
more during the night, for he comes to me now dressed only in
a small rag and one boot.
At last we are off. "Adios, Americanos ! " the natives cry ;
to which I pleasantly reply, "Adous ! and long may it be before
you have a chance to Do us again."
The cars are comfortable on the Panama railway, and the
country through which we pass is very beautiful. But it will
not do to trust it much, because it breeds fevers and other un-
plesant disorders, at all seasons of the year. Like a girl we
most all have known, the Isthmus is fair but false.
There are mud huts all along the route, and half-naked savages,
gaze patronizingly upon us from their doorways. An elderly
lady in spectacles appears to be much scandalized by the scant
dress of these people, and wants to know why the Select Men
don't put a stop to it. From this, and a remark she incidentally
makes about her son, who has invented a washing machine
which will wash, wring, and dry a shirt in ten minutes, I infe
fer
MEXICO. 193
that she is from tho hills of Old New England, like the Hutch -
inson family.
The Central American is lazy. The only exercise he ever
takes is t^ occasionally produce a Revolution. When his feet
begin to swell and there are premonitory symptoms of gout, he
" revolushes " a spell, and then serenely returns to his cigarette
and hammock under the palm-trees.
These Central American Republics are queer concerns. I do
not of course precisely know what a last year's calf's ideas of im-
mortal glory may be, but. probably they are about as lucid as
those of a Central American in regard to a republican form of
government.
And yet I am told they are a kindly people in the main. I
never met but one of them a Costa-Rican, on board the Ariel.
He lay sick with fever, and I went to him and took his hot
hand gently in mine. I shall never forget his look of gratitude.
And the next day he borrowed five dollars of me, shedding tears
as he put it in his pocket.
The Senoritas who leave us at Panama are splendid creatures.
They learned me Spanish, and in the soft moonlight we walked
on deck and talked of the land of Pizarro. (You know old Piz.
conquered Peru ! and although he was not educated at West
Point, he had still some military talent.) I feel as though I
had lost all my relations, including mv grandmother and the
cooking stove, when these gay young Senoritas go away.
They do not go to Peru on a Peruvian bark, but on an
English steamer. Off to Acapulco.
WE make Acapulco, a Mexican coast town of some import-
ance, in a few days, and all go ashore.
The pretty peasant girls peddle necklaces made of shells,
9
194: MEXICO.
and oranges, in the streets of Acapulco, on steamer days. They
are quite naive about it. Handing you a necklace they will
say, " Me give you pres-e?2^, Sefior," and then retire with a low
curtsey. Returning, however, in a few moments, they say quite
sweetly, " You give me pres-e^^, Sefior, of quarter dollar ! "
which you at once do unless you have a heart of stone.
Acapulco was shelled by the French a year or so before our
arrival there, and they effected a landing. But the gay and gallant
Mexicans peppered them so persistently and effectually from the
mountains near by that they concluded to sell out and leave.
Napoleon has no right in Mexico. Mexico may deserve a
licking. That is possible enough. Most people do. But no-
body has any right to lick Mexico except the United States.
We have a right, I natter myself, to lick this entire continent,
including ourselves, any time we want to.
The signal gun is fired at 11, and we go off to the steamer
in small boats.
We reach Manzanillo, another coast place, twenty-four hours
after leaving Acapulco. Manzanillo is a little Mexican village,
and looked very wretched indeed, sweltering away there on the
hot sands. But it is a port of some importance, nevertheless,
because a great deal of merchandise finds its way to the in-
terior from there. The white and green flag of Mexico floats
from a red steam-tug (the navy of Mexico, by the way, con-
sists of two tugs, a disabled raft, and a basswood life-pre-
server), and the Captain of the Port comes off to us in 1m
small boat, climbs up the side of the St. Louis, and folds tht
healthy form of Captain Hudson to his breast. There is IK
wharf here, and we have to anchor off the town.
There was a wharf, but the enterprising Mexican peasantry,
who subsist by poling merchandise ashore in dug-outs, indi<
nantly tore it up. We take on here some young Mexicans,
from Colima, who are going to California. They are of the
better class, and one young man (who was educated in Madrid)
speaks English rather better than I write it. Be careful not
CALIFORNIA. 195
to admire any article of an educated Mexican's dress, because
if you do he will take it right off and give it to .you, and
sometimes this might be awkward.
I said : "What a beautiful cravat you wear ! "
" It is yours ! " he exclaimed, quickly unbuckling it ; and I
could not induce him to take it back again.
I am glad I did not tell his sister, who was with him and
with whom I was hicky enough to get acquainted, what a
beautiful white hand she had. She might have given it to me
on the spot ; and that, as she had soft eyes, a queenly form,
and a half million or so in her own right, would have made
me feel bad.
Reports reach us here of high-handed robberies by the ban-
ditti all along the road to the City of Mexico. They steal
clothes as well as coin. A few days since the mail coach en-
tered the city with all the passengers stark-naked! They must
have felt mortified.
IT.
CALIFORNIA.
WE reach San Francisco one Sunday afternoon. I am
driven to the Occidental Hotel by a kind-hearted hackman,
who states that inasmuch as I have come out there to amuse
people, he will only charge me five dollars. I pay it in gold,
of course, because greenbacks are not current on the Pacific
coast.
Many of the citizens of San Francisco remember the Sab-
bath day to keep it jolly ; and the theatres, the circus, the
minstrels, and the music halls are all in full blast to-night.
I "compromise," and go to the Chinese theatre, thinking
perhaps there can be no great harm in listening to worldly sen-
timents when expressed in a language I don't understand.
The Chinaman at the door takes my ticket with the remark,
"Kihi-hiki! Shoolah!"
196 CALIFORNIA.
And I tell him that on the whole I think he is right.
The Chinese play is " continued," like a Ledger story, from
night to night. It commences with the birth of the hero or
heroine, which interesting event occurs publicly on the stage ;
and then follows him or her down to the grave, where it cheer-
fully ends.
Sometimes a Chinese play lasts six months. The play I am
speaking of had been going on for about two months. The
heroine had grown up into womanhood, and was on the point,
as I inferred, of being married to a young Chinaman in
spangled pantaloons and a long black tail. The bride's father
comes in with his arms full of tea-chests, and bestows them,
with his 'blessing, upon the happy couple. As this play is to
run four months longer, however, and as my time is limited, I
go away at the close of the second act, while the orchestra is
performing an overture on gongs and one-stringed fiddles.
The door-keeper again says, " Ki hi-hi ki ! Shoolah ! " add-
ing, this time however, " Chow-wow." I agree with him in
regard to the ki hi and hi ki, but tell him I don't feel alto-
gether certain about the chow- wow.
To Stockton from San Francisco.
Stockton is a beautiful town, that has ceased to think of be-
coming a very large place, and has quietly settled down into a
state of serene prosperity. I have my boots repaired here by
an artist who informs me that he studied in the penitentiary ;
and I visit the lunatic asylum, where I encounter a vivacious
maniac who invites me to ride in a chariot drawn by eight
lions and a rhinoceros.
John Phoenix was once stationed at Stockton, and put his
mother aboard the San Francisco boat one morning with the
sparkling remark, t( Dear mother, be virtuous and you will be
happy ! "
Forward to Sacramento which is the capital of the State,
and a very nice old town.
CALIFORNIA. 197
They had a flood here some years ago, during which several
blocks of buildings sailed out of town and had never been
heard from since. A Chinaman concluded to leave in a wash-
tub, and actually set sail in one of those fragile barks. A
drowning man hailed him piteously, thus : " Throw me a rope,
oh throw me a rope ! " To which the Chinaman excitedly
cried, " No have got how can do ? " and went on, on with
the howling current. He was never seen more ; but a few
weeks after his tail was found by some Sabbath-school children
in the north part of the State.
1 go to the mountain towns. The sensational mining days
are over, but I find the people jolly and hospitable nevertheless.
At Nevada I am called upon, shortly after my arrival, by an
athletic scarlet-faced man, who politely says his name is Blaze.
Years ago Mr. Blaze was an agent of the California Stage
Company. There was a formidable and well-organized oppo-
sition to the California Stage Company at that time, and Mr.
Blaze rendered them such signal service in his capacity of
agent that they were very sorry when he tendered his resigna-
tion.
" You are some sixteen hundred dollars behind in your ac-
counts, Mr. Blaze," said the President, " but in view of your
faithful and efficient services we shall throw off eight hundred
dollars of that amount."
Mr. Blaze seemed touched by this generosity. A tear stood
in his eye and his bosom throbbed audibly.
" You will throw off eight hundred dollars you will?" he
at last cried, seizing the President's hand and pressing it pas-
sionately to his lips.
" I will," returned the President.
" Well, sir," said Mr. Blaze, " I'm a gentleman, I am, you
bet ! And I won't allow no Stage Company to surpass me in
politeness. Til throw off the oilier eight hundred^ and we'll
198
call it square !
duty."
WASHOE.
ISTo gratitude, sir no thanks ; it is my
I get back to San Francisco in a few weeks, and am to start
home Overland from here.
I do not leave the Capital of California in a light-hearted
and joyous manner. But " leaves have their time to fall," and
I have my time to leave, which is now.
We ride all day and all night, and ascend and descend some
of the most frightful hills 1 ever saw. We make Johnson's
Pass, which is 6752 feet high, about two o'clock in the morn-
ing, and go down the great Kingsbury grade with locked wheels.
The driver, with whom I sit outside, informs me, as we slowly
roll down this fearful mountain road, which looks down on
either side into an appalling ravine, that he has met accidents
in his time, and cost the California Stage Company a great deal
of money;, " because," he says, "juries is agin us on principle,
and every man who sues us is sure to recover. But it will
never be so agin, not with me, you bet."
" How is that ? " I said.
It was frightfully dark. It was snowing withal, and notwith-
standing the brakes were kept hard down, the coach slewed
wildly, often fairly touching the brink of the black precipice.
"How is 'that? "I said.
" Why, you see," he replied, " that corpses never sue for
damages, but maimed people do. And the next time I have a
overturn I shall go round and keerfully examine the passengers.
Them as is dead I shall let alone ; but them as is mutilated I
shall finish with the king-bolt ! Dead folks don't sue. They
ain't on it."
Thus with anecdote did this driver cheer me up.
WE reach Carson City about nine o'clock in the morning.
It is the capital of the Silver-producing territory of Nevada.
WASHOE. 199
They shoot folks here somewhat, and the law is rather par-
tial than otherwise to first-class murderers.
I visit the territorial Prison, and the Warden points out the
prominent convicts to me, thus :
" This man's crime was horse-stealing. He is here for life."
li This man is in for murder. He is here for three years."
But shooting isn't. as popular in Nevada as it once was. A
few years since they used to have a dead man for breakfast
every morning. A reformed desperado told me that he sup-
posed he had killed men enough to stock a graveyard. <{ A
feeling of remorse," he said, " sometimes comes over me ! But
I'm an altered man now. I hain't killed a man for over two
weeks ! What'll yer poison yourself with ? " he added, dealing
a resonant blow on the bar.
There used to live near Carson City a notorious desperado,
who never visited town without killing somebody. He would
call for liquor at some drinking-house, and if anybody declined
joining him he would at once commence shooting. But one day
he shot a man too many. Going into the St. Nicholas drinking-
house he asked the company present to join him in a North Amer-
ican drink. One individual was rash enough to refuse. With a
look of sorrow rather than anger the desperado revealed his re-
volver, and said, " Good God ! Must I kill a man every time
I come to Carson ? " and so saying he fired and killed the in-
dividual on the spot. But this was the last murder the blood-
thirsty miscreant ever committed, for the aroused citizens pur-
sued him with rifles and shot him down in his own door-yard.
I lecture in the theatre at Carson, which opens out of a
drinking and gambling house. On each side of the door where
my ticket-taker stands there are monte-boards and sweat-cloths,
but they are deserted to-night, the gamblers being evidently of
a literary turn of mind.
Five years ago there was only a pony-path over the precipi-
tous hills on which now stands the marvellous city of Virginia,
200 , MR. PEPPER.
with its population of twelve thousand persons, and perhaps
more. Virginia, with its stately warehouses and gay shops;
its splendid streets, paved with silver ore ; its banking houses
and faro-banks ; its attractive coffee-houses and elegant theatre ;
its music halls and its three daily newspapers.
I visit several of the adjacent mining towns, but I do not go
to Aurora. No, I think not. A lecturer on psychology was
killed there the other night by the playful discharge of a horse-
pistol in the hands of a degenerate and intoxicated Spaniard.
This circumstance, and a rumor that the citizens are agin
literature, induce me to go back to Virginia.
I had pointed out to me a ta restaurant a man who had killed
four men in street broils, and who had that very day cut his own
brother's breast open in a dangerous manner with a small sup-
per knife. He was a gentleman, however. I heard him tell
some men so. He admitted it himself. And I don't think he
would lie about a little thing like that.
The theatre at Virginia will attract the attention of the
stranger, because it is an unusually elegant affair of the kind,
and would be so regarded anywhere. It was built, of course,
by Mr. Thomas Maguire, the Napoleonic manager of the Pacific,
and who has built over twenty theatres in his time and will per-
haps build as many more, unless somebody stops him which,
by the way, will not be a remarkably easy thing to do.
As soon as a mining camp begins to assume the proportions
of a city, at about the time the whiskey-vender draws his cork
or the gambler spreads his green cloth, Maguire opens a theatre,
and with a hastily-organized " Vigilance Committee " of actors,
commences to execute Shakspeare.
MY arrival at Virginia City was signalized by the following
incident :
HORACE GREELETS EIDE TO PLACERVILLE. 201
I had no sooner achieved my room in the garret of the Inter-
national Hotel than I was called upon by an intoxicated man,
who said he was an Editor. Knowing how rare it was for an
Editor to be under the blighting influence of either spirituous
or malt liquors, I received this statement doubtfully. But I
said.
What name?"
" Wait ! " he said, and went out.
I heard him pacing unsteadily up and down the hall outside.
In ten minutes he returned, and said :
Pepper ! "
Pepper was indeed his name. He had been out to see if he
could remember it ; and he was so flushed with his success that
he repeated it joyously several times, and then, with a short
laugh, he went away.
I had often heard of a man being " so drunk that he didn't
know what town he lived in," but here was a man so hideously
inebriated that he didn't know what his name was.
I saw him no more, but I heard from him. For he published
a notice of my lecture, in which he said I had a dissipated
air !
VII.
HORACE GREELEY S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE.
WHEN Mr. Greeley was in California ovations awaited him
at every town. He had written powerful leaders in the Tri-
bune in favor of the Pacific Railroad, which had greatly en-
deared him to the citizens of the Golden State. And therefore
they made much of him when he went to see them.
At one town the enthusiastic populace tore his celebrated
white coat to pieces, and carried the pieces home to remember
him by.
The citizens of Placerville prepared to fete the great journal-
ist, and an extra coach, with extra relays of horses, was char-
9*
202 HORACE GREELEY^S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE.
terecl of the California Stage Company to carry him from
Folsorn to Placerville distance, forty miles. The extra was
in some way delayed, and did not leave Folsom until late in
the afternoon. Mr. Greeley was to be feted at 7 o'clock that
evening by the citizens of Placerville, and it was altogether
necessary that he should be there by that hour. So the Stage
Company said to Henry Monk, the driver of the extra,
" Henry, this great man must be there by 7 to-night." And
Henry -answered, " The great man shall be there."
The roads were in an awful state, and during the first few
miles out of Folsom slow progress was made.
" Sir," said Mr. Greeley, " are you aware that I must be at
Placerville at 7 o'clock to-night ? "
" I've got my orders ! " laconically returned Henry Monk.
Still the coach dragged slowly forward.
" Sir," said Mr. Greeley, " this is not a trifling matter. I
must be there at 7 ! "
Again came the answer, " I've got my orders ! "
But the speed was not increased, and Mr. Greeley chafed
away another half hour ; when, as he was again about to remon-
strate with the driver, the horses suddenly started into a furious
run, and all sorts of encouraging yells filled the air from the
throat of Henry Monk.
" That is right, my good fellow ! " cried Mr. Greeley. " I'll
give you ten dollars when we get to Placerville. Now we are
going!"
They were indeed, and at a terrible speed.
Crack, crack ! went the whip, and again " that voice " split
the air. " Git up ! Hi yi ! G'long ! Yip yip ! "
And on they tore over stones and ruts, up hill and down, at
a rate of speed never before achieved by stage horses.
Mr. Greeley, who had been bouncing from one end of the
coach to the other like an india-rubber ball, managed to get his
head out of the window, when he said :
" Do on't on't on't you u u think we e e e shall
get there by seven if we do on't on't go so fast ? "
HORACE GREELEY' S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE. 203
" I've got my orders ! " That was all Heniy Monk said.
And on tore the coach.
It was becoming serious. Already the journalist was ex-
tremely sore from the terrible jolting, and again his head
" might have been seen " at the window.
li Sir," he said, " I don't care care air, if we doift get
there at seven ! "
" I have got my orders ! " Fresh horses. Forward again,
faster than before. Over rocks and stumps, on one of which
the coach narrowly escaped turning a summerset.
" See here ! " shrieked Mr. Greeley, " I don't care if we
don't get there at all ! "
" I've got my orders ! I work for the Californy Stage
Company, I do. That's wot I work for. They said, 'git this
man through by seving.' An' this man's goin' through. You
bet ! Gerlong ! Whoo-ep ! "
Another frightful j olt, and Mr. Greeley 's bald head suddenly
found its way through the roof of the coach, amidst the crash
of small timbers and the ripping of strong canvas.
" Stop, you maniac ! " he roared.
Again answered Henry Monk :
" I've got my orders ! Keep your seat, Horace ! "
At Mud Springs, a village a few miles from Placerville, they
met a large delegation of the citizens of Placerville, who had
come out to meet the celebrated editor, and escort him into
town. There was a military company, a brass band, and a six-
horse wagon-load of beautiful damsels in milk-white dresses,
representing all the States in the Union. It was nearly dark
now, but the delegation were amply provided with torches,
and bonfires blazed all along the road to Placerville.
The citizens met the coach in the outskirts of Mud Springs,
and Mr. Monk reined in his foam-covered steeds.
11 Is Mr. Greeley on board ? " asked the chairman of the
committee.
" He was, a few miles back ! " said Mr. Monk ; " yes," he
added, after looking down through the hole which the fearful
204: ^HORACE GREELEY'S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE.
jolting had made in the icoach-roof " yes, I can see him ! He
is there ! "
< Mr. Greeley," said the Chairman of the Committee, pre-
senting himself at the window of the coach, " Mr. Greeley, sir !
We are come to most cordially welcome you, sir why,
God bless me, sir, you are bleeding at the nose ! "
" I've got my orders ! " cried Mr. Monk. " My orders is
as follers : Git him there by seving ! It wants a quarter to
seving. Stand out of the way ! "
" But, sir," exclaimed the Committee-man, seizing the off
leader by the reins " Mr. Monk, we are come to escort him
into town ! Look at the procession, sir, and the brass band,
and the people, and the young women, sir ! "
" I've got my orders / " screamed Mr. Monk. f My orders
don't say nothin' about no brass bands and young women. My
orders says, ' git him there by seving ? ' Let go them lines !
Clear the way there ! Whoo-ep ! KEEP YOUR SEAT, HOR-
ACE ! " and the coach dashed wildly through the procession,
upsetting a portion of the brass band, and violently grazing
the wagon which contained the beautiful young women in
white.
Years hence, gray-haired men, who were little boys in this pro-
cession, will tell their grandchildren how this stage tore through
Mud Springs, and how Horace Greeley 's bald head ever and
anon showed itself, like a wild apparition, above the coach-
roof.
Mr. Monk was on time. There is a tradition that Mr.
Greeley was very indignant for a while ; then he laughed, and
finally presented Mr. Monk with a bran new suit of clothes.
Mr. Monk himself is still in the employ of the California
Stage Company, and is rather fond of relating a story that has
made him famous all over the Pacific coast. But he says he
yields to no man in his admiration for Horace Greeley.
Horace Greeley'a gay and festive adventures on the overland route from California,
S+epageW-l.
TO REESE RIVER. 205
VIII.
TO REESE RIVER.
I LEAVE Virginia for Great Salt Lake City, vid the Reese
River Silver Diggings.
There are eight passengers of us inside the coach which,
by the way, isn't a coach, but a Concord covered mud
wagon.
Among the passengers is a genial man of the name of Ryder,
who has achieved a wide-spread reputation as a strangler of un-
pleasant bears in the mountain fastnesses of California, and
who is now an eminent Reese River miner.
We ride night and day, passing through the land of the Piute
Indians. Reports reach us that fifteen hundred of these
savages are on the Rampage, under the command of a red
usurper named Buffalo Jim, who seems to be a sort of Jeff
Davis, inasmuch as he and his followers have seceded from the
regular Piute organization. The seceding savages have an-
nounced that they shall kill and scalp all pale-faces (which
makes our faces pale, I reckon) found loose in that section.
"We find the guard doubled at all the stations where we change
horses, and our passengers nervously examine their pistols and
readjust the long glittering knives in their belts. I feel in my
pockets to see if the key which unlocks the carpet-bag contain-
ing my revolvers is all right for I had rather brilliantly
locked my deadly weapons up in that article, which was
strapped with the other baggage to the rack behind. The pas-
sengers frown on me for this carelessness, but the kind-hearted
Ryder gives me a small double-barrelled gun, with which I
narrowly escape murdering my beloved friend Kingston in cold
blood. I am not used to guns and things, and in changing the
position of this weapon I pulled the trigger rather harder than
was necessary.
When this wicked rebellion first broke out I was among the
206 TO REESE RIVER.
first to stay at home chiefly because of my utter ignor-
ance of firearms. I should be valuable to the Army as a Briga-
dier-General only so far as the moral influence of my name
went.
However, we pass safely through the land of the Piutes,
unmolested by Buffalo James. This celebrated -savage can
read and write, and is quite an orator, like Metamora, or the
last of the Wampanoags. He went on to Washington a few
years ago and called Mr. Buchanan his Great Father, and the
members of the Cabinet his dear Brothers. They gave him a
great many blankets, and he returned to his beautiful hunting-
grounds and went to killing stage-drivers. He made such a
fine impression upon Mr. Buchanan during his sojourn in
Washington that that statesman gave a young English tourist,
who crossed the plains a few years since, a letter of introduc-
tion to him. The great Indian chief read the English person's
letter with considerable emotion, and then ordered him scalped,
and stole his trunks.
Mr. Ryder knows me only as t( Mr. Brown," and he refreshes
me during the journey by quotations from my books and
lectures.
" Never seen Ward ? " he said.
Oh no."
" Ward says he likes little girls, but he likes large girls just
as well. Haw, haw, haw ! I should like to see the d
fool ! "
He referred to me.
He even woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me
one of Ward's jokes.
I lecture at Big Creek.
Big Creek is a straggling, wild little village ; and the house
in which I had the honor of speaking a piece had no other
TO REESE EIVEE. 207
floor than the bare earth. The roof was of sage-brush. At
one end of the building a huge wood fire blazed, which, with
half-a-dozen tallow-candles, afforded all the illumination de-
sired. The lecturer spoke from behind the drinking bar. Be-
hind him long rows of decanters glistened ; above him hung
pictures of race-horses and prize-fighters ; and beside him, in
his shirt-sleeves and wearing a cheerful smile, stood the bar-
keeper. My speeches at the Bar before this had been of an
elegant character, perhaps, but quite brief. They never ex-
tended beyond " I don't care if I do," " No sugar in mine,"
and short gems of a like character.
I had a good audience at Big Creek, who seemed to be
pleased, the bar-keeper especially; for at the close of any
" point " that I sought to make he would deal the counter a
vigorous blow with his fist, and exclaim, il Good boy from the
Xcw England States ! listen to William W. Shakspeare ! "
Back to Austin. We lose our way, and hitching our horses
to a tree, go in search of some human beings. The night is
very dark. We soon stumble upon a camp-fire, and an un-
pleasantly modulated voice asks us to say our prayers, adding
that we are on the point of going to Glory with our boots on.
I think perhaps there may be some truth in this, as the mouth
of a horse-pistol almost grazes my forehead, while immediately
behind the butt of that death-dealing weapon I perceive a
large man with black whiskers. Other large men begin to as-
semble, also with horse-pistols. Dr. Kingston hastily explains,
while I go back to the carriage to say my prayers, where there
is more room. The men were miners on a prospecting tour,
and as we advanced upon them without sending them word
they took us for highway robbers.
I must not forget to say that my brave and kind-hearted
friend Ryder of the mail coach, who had so often alluded to
" Ward " in our ride from Virginia to Austin, was among my
hearers at Big Creek. He had discovered who I was, and in-
formed me that he had debated whether to wollop me or give
me some rich silver claims.
208 GREAT SALT LAKE CITY.
IX.
GREAT SALT LAKE CITY.
How was I to be greeted by the Mormons? That was
rather an exciting question with me. I had been told on the
plains that a certain humorous sketch of mine (written some
years before) had greatly incensed the Saints, and a copy of
the Sacramento Union newspaper had a few days before fallen
into my hands in which a Salt Lake correspondent quite clear-
ly intimated that my reception at the new Zion might be un-
pleasantly warm. I ate my dinner moodily and sent out for
some cigars. The venerable clerk brought me six. They cost
only two dollars. They were procured at a store near by. The
Salt Lake House sells neither cigars nor liquors.
I smoke in my room, having no heart to mingle with the
people in the office.
Dr. Kingston " thanks God he never wrote against the Mor-
mons," and goes out in search of a brother Englishman. Comes
back at night and says there is a prejudice against me. Advises
me to keep in. Has heard that the Mormons thirst for my
blood and are on the lookout for me.
Under these circumstances I keep in.
The next day is Sunday, and we go to the Tabernacle, in the
morning. The Tabernacle is located on street, and is a
long rakish building of adobe, capable of seating some twenty-
five hundred persons. There is a wide platform and a rather
large pulpit at one end of the building, and at the other end is
another platform for the choir. A young Irishman of the
name of Sloan preaches a sensible sort of discourse, to which a "
Presbyterian could hardly have objected. Last night this
same Mr. Sloan enacted a character in a rollicking Irish farce
at the theatre ! And he played it well, I was told ; not so
well, of course, as the great Dan Bryant could ; but I fancy
he was more at home in the Mormon pulpit than Daniel would
have been.
GREAT SALT LAKE CITY. 209
The Mormons, by the way, are preeminently an amusement-
loving people, and the Elders pray for the success of their the-
atre with as much earnestness as they pray for anything else.
The congregation doesn't startle us. It is known, I fancy, that
the heads of the Church are to be absent to-day, and the at-
tendance is slim. There are no ravishingly beautiful women
present, and no positively ugly ones. The men are fair to
middling. They will never be slain in cold blood for their
beauty, nor shut up in jail for their homeliness.
There are some good voices in the choir to-day, but the or-
chestral accompaniment is unusually slight. Sometimes they
introduce a full brass and string band in Church. Brigham
Young says the devil has monopolized the good music long
enough, and it is high time the Lord had a portion of it.
Therefore trombones are tooted on Sundays in Utah as well as
on other days ; and there are some splendid musicians there.
The Orchestra in Brigham Young's theatre is quite equal to
any in Broadway. There is a youth in Salt Lake City (I for-
get his name) who plays the cornet like a North American angel.
Mr. Stenhouse relieves me of any anxiety I had felt in re-
gard to having my swan-like throat cut by the Danites, but
thinks my wholesale denunciation of a people I had never
seen was rather hasty. The following is the paragraph to
which the Saints objected. It occurs in an " Artemus Ward"
paper on Brigham Young, written some years ago :
" I girded up my Lions and fled the Seen. I packt up my
duds and left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum and Germorer,
inhabited by as theavin' & onprincipled a set of retchis as ever
drew Breth in eny spot on the Globe."
I had forgotten all about this, and as Elder Stenhouse read
it to me " my feelings may be better imagined than described,"
to use language I think I have heard before. I pleaded, how-
ever, that it was a purely burlesque sketch, and that this
strong paragraph should not be interpreted literally at all.
The Elder didn't seem to see it in that light, but we parted
pleasantly.
210 THE MOUNTAIN FEVER.
THE MOUNTAIN FEVER.
I GO back to my hotel and go to bed, and I do not get up
again for two weary weeks. I have the mountain fever (so
called in Utah, though it closel} 7 resembles the old-style typhus)
and my case is pronounced dangerous. I don't regard it so.
I don't, in fact, regard anything. I am all right, myself. My
poor Kingston shakes his head sadly, and Dr. Williamson,
from Camp Douglas, pours all kinds of bitter stuff down my
throat. I drink his health in a dose of the cheerful beverage
known as jalap, and thresh the sheets with my hot hands. I
address large assemblages, who have somehow got into my
room, and I charge Dr. Williamson with the murder of Luce,
and Mr. Irwiu, the actor, with the murder of Shakspeare. I
have a lucid spell now and then, in one of which James Town-
send, the landlord, enters. He whispers, but I hear what he
says far too distinctly : " This man can have anything and
everything he wants; but I'm no hand for a sick room. 1
never could see anybody die"
That was cheering, I thought.
I lay there in this wild, broiling way for nearly two weeks,
when one morning I woke up with my head clear and an im-
mense plaster on my stomach. The plaster had operated. I
was so raw that I could by no means say to Dr. Williamson,
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant. I wished he had
lathed me before he plastered me. I was fearfully weak. I
was frightfully thin. . With either one of my legs you could
have cleaned the stem of a meerschaum pipe. My backbone
had the appearance of a clothes-line with a quantity of English
walauts strung upon it. My face was almost gone. My
nose was so sharp that I didn't dare stick it into other people's
business for fear it would stay there. But by borrowing my
agent's overcoat I succeeded in producing a shadow.
THE MOUNTAIN FEVER. 211
I have been looking at Zion all day, and my feet are sore
and my legs are weary. I go back to the Salt Lake House
and have a talk with landlord Townsend about the State of
Maine. He came from that bleak region, having skinned his
infantile eyes in York county. He was at Nauvoo, and was
forced to sell his entire property there for 50. He has thrived
in Utah, however, and is much thought of by the Church. He
is an Elder, and preaches occasionally. He has only two
wives. I hear lately that he has sold his property for $25,000
to Brigham Young, and gone to England to make converts.
How impressive he may be as an expounder of the Mormon
gospel, I don't know. His beefsteaks and chicken-pies, how-
ever, were first-rate. James and I talk about Maine, and cor-
dially agree that so far as pine boards and horse-mackerel are
concerned, it is equalled by few and excelled by none. There
is no place like home, as Clara, the Maid of Milan, very justly
observes ; and while J. Townsend would be unhappy in Maine,
his heart evidently beats back there now and then.
I heard the love of home oddly illustrated in Oregon, one
night, in a country bar-room. Some well-dressed men, in a
state of strong drink, were boasting of their respective places
of nativity.
" I," said one, '* was born in Mississippi, where the sun
ever shines and the magnolias bloom all the happy year round."
" And I," said another, " was born in Kentucky Ken-
tucky, the home of impassioned oratory : the home of Clay :
the State of splendid women, of gallant men ! "
tl And I," said another, " was born In Virginia, the home of
Washington : the birthplace of statesmen : the State of chival-
ric deeds and noble hospitality ! "
"And I," said a yellow-haired and sallow-faced man, who
was not of this party at all, and who had been quietly smoking
a short black pipe by the fire during their magnificent conver-
sation " and I was born in the garden spot of America."
<' \Vhere is that ? " they said.
212
I AM HERE."BRIGHAM YOUNG.
" Skeouhegan, Maine ! " he replied ; "kin I sell you a razor
strop ? "
XI.
" I AM HERE."
SITTING in a New Kngland country store one day I over-
heard the following dialogue between two brothers :
" Say, Bill, wot you done with that air sorrel mare of
O 99
yourn r
'* Sold her," said William, with a smile of satisfaction.
" Wot 'd you git ? "
" Himd'd an' fifty dollars, cash deown ! "
" Show ! Hund'd an' fifty for that kickin' spavin'd critter ?
Who'd you sell her to?"
" Sold her to mother ! "
" Wot ! " exclaimed brother No. 1, " did you railly sell that
kickin' spavin'd critter to mother. Wall, you air a shrewd
one ! "
XII.
BRIGHAM YOUNG.
BRIGHAM YOUNG sends word I may see him to-morrow.
At two o'clock the next afternoon Mr. Hiram B. C
Brigham Young's son-in-law and chief business manager, calls
for me with the Prophet's private sleigh, and we start for tl
distinguished person's block.
I am shown into the Prophet's chief office. He comes fo
ward, greets me cordially, and introduces me to several influx
tial Mormons who are present.
Brigham Young is 62 years old, of medium height, and wit
BRIGHAM YOUNG. 213
sandy hair and whiskers. An active, iron man, with a clear
sharp eye. A man of consummate shrewdness of great ex-
ecutive ability. He was born in the State of Vermont, and so
by the way was Heber C. Kimball, who will wear the Mormon
Belt when Brigham leaves the ring.
Brigham Young is a man of great natural ability. If you
ask me, How pious is he ? I treat it as a conundrum, and give
it up. Personally he treated me with marked kindness through-
out my sojourn in Utah.
His power in Utah is quite as absolute as that of any living
sovereign, yet he uses it with such consummate shrewdness
that his people are passionately devoted to him.
He was an Elder at the first formal Mormon " stake " in this
country, at Kirtland, Ohio, and went to Nauvoo with Joseph
Smith. That distinguished Mormon handed his mantle and
the Prophet business over to Brigham when he died at Nauvoo
Smith did a more flourishing business in the Prophet line
than B. Y. does. Smith used to have his little Revelation
almost every day sometimes two before dinner. B. Y. only
takes one once in a while.
The gateway of his block is surmounted by a brass American
eagle, and they say (" they say " here means anti-Mormons)
that he receives his spiritual dispatches through this piece of
patriotic poultry. They also say that he receives revelations
from a stuffed white calf that is trimmed with red ribbons and
kept in an iron box. I don't suppose these things are true.
Rumor says that when the Lion House was ready to be shingled,
Brigham received a message from the Lord stating that
the carpenters must all take hold and shingle it, and not charge
a red cent for their services. Such carpenters as refused to
shingle would go to hell, and no postponement on account of
the weather. They say that Brigham, whenever a train of
emigrants arrives in Salt Lake City, orders all the women to
march up and down before his block, while he stands on the
portico of the Lion House and gobbles up the prettiest ones.
He is an immensely wealthy man. His wealth is variously
214 BRIGHAM YOUNG.
estimated at from ten to twenty millions of dollars. He owns
saw mills, grist mills, woollen factories, brass and iron foundries,
farms, brick-yards, <fcc., and superintends them all in person.
Nobody seems to know how many wives Brigham Young
has. Some set the number as high as eighty, in which case
his children must be too numerous to mention. Each wife has
a room to herself. These rooms are large and airy, and I sup-
pose they are supplied with all the modern improvements.
But never having been invited to visit them I can't speak very
definitely about this. When I left the Prophet he shook me
cordially by the hand, and invited me to call again. This was
nattering, because if he dislikes a man at the first interview he
never sees him again. He made no allusion to the " letter " I
had written about his community. Outside guards were pac-
ing up and down before the gateway, but they smiled upon me
sweetly. The veranda was crowded with Gentile miners, who
seemed to be surprised that I didn't return in a wooden over-
coat, with my throat neatly laid open from ear to ear.
I go to the Theatre to-night. I was an actor once, myself.
I supported Edwin Forrest at a theatre in Philadelphia. I
played a pantomimic part. I removed the chairs between
scenes, and I did it so neatly that Mr. F. said I would make a
cabinet-maker if I " applied " myself.
The parquette of the theatre is occupied exclusively by tl
Mormons and their wives and children. They wouldn't let
Gentile in there any more than they would a serpent. In th<
side seats are those of President's Young's wives who go to the
play, and a large and varied assortment of children. It is an
odd sight to see a jovial old Mormon file down the parquette
aisle with ten or twenty robust wives at his heels. Yet this
spectacle may be witnessed every night the theatre is opened.
HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 215
The dress circle is chiefly occupied by the officers from Camp
Douglas and the Gentile Merchants. The upper circles are
filled by the private soldiers and Mormon boys. I feel bound
to say that a Mormon audience is quite as appreciative as any
other kind of an audience. They prefer comedy to tragedy.
Sentimental plays, for obvious reasons, are unpopular with
them. It will be remembered that when C. Melnotte, in the
Lady of Lyons, comes home from the wars, he folds Pauline to
his heaving heart and makes several remarks of an impassioned
and slobbering character. One night when the Lady of Lyons
was produced here, an aged Mormon arose and went out with
his twenty-four wives, angrily stating that he wouldn't sit and
see a play where a man made such a cussed fuss over one woman.
Brigham Young usually sits in the middle of the parquette,
in a rocking-chair, and with his hat on. He does not escort
his wives to the theatre. They go alone. When the play
drags he either falls into a tranquil sleep or walks out. He
wears in winter time a green wrapper, and his hat is the style
introduced into this country by Louis Kossuth, Esq., the liber-
ator of Hungaria. (I invested a dollar in the liberty of Hun-
garia nearly fifteen years ago.)
I lectured here, and I can only say that I was never listened
to more kindly than I was by this audience.
XIII.
HURRAH FOR THE ROAD !
TIME, Wednesday afternoon, February 10. The Overland
Stage, Mr. William Glover on the box, stands before the ve-
randa of the Salt Lake House.
We go away on wheels, but the deep snow compels us to
substitute runners twelve miles out.
There are four passengers of us. We pierce the Wahsatch
mountains by Parley's canon.
216 HUHEAII FOR THE ROAD f
We reach Weber station, thirty miles from Salt Lake City,
and wildly situated at the foot of the grand Echo Cafion, at 3
o'clock the following morning. We remain over a day here
with James Bromley, agent of the Overland Stage line, and
who is better known on the plains than Shakspeare is ; although
Shakspeare has done a good deal for the stage. James Bromley
has seen the Overland line grow up from its ponyicy ; and as
Fitz-Green Halleck happily observes, none know him but, to
like his style. He was intended for an agent. In his infancy
he used to lisp the refrain,
" I want to be an agent,
And with the agents stand."
Forward to Fort Bridger, in an open sleigh. Night clear,
cold, and moonlit. Driver Mr. Samuel Smart. Through Echo
Canon to Hanging Rock Station. The snow is very deep,
there is no path, and we literally shovel our way to Robert
Pollock's station, which we achieve in the Course of Time.
Mr. P. gets up and kindles a fire, and a snowy nightcap and a
pair of very bright black eyes beam upon us from the bed.
That is Mrs. Robert Pollock. The log cabin is a comfortable
one. I make coffee in my French coffee-pot, and let loose
some of the roast chickens in my basket. Mrs. Pollock tells
me where I can find cream for the coffee, and cups and saucers
for the same, and appears so kind, that I regret our stay is so
limited that we can't see more of her.
On to Yellow Creek Station. Then Needle Rock a deso-
late hut on the Desert, house and barn in one building. The
station-keeper is a miserable, toothless wretch, with shaggy yel-
low hair, but says he's going to get married. I think I see him.
Pass Quaking Asp Springs and Muddy to Fort Bridger. Horo
are a group of white buildings, built round a plaza, across the
middle of which runs a creek.
We are 011 the road again, Sunday the 14th, with a driver of
the highly floral name of Primrose. At 7 the next morning we
reach Green River Station, and enter Idaho Territory. This is
HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 217
the Bitter Creek division of the Overland route, of which we had
heard so many unfavorable stories. The division is really well
managed by Mr. Stewart., though the country through which it
stretches is the most wretched I ever saw. The water is liquid
alkali, and the roads are soft sand. The snow is gone now,
and the dust is thick and blinding. So drearily, wearily we
drag onward.
We reach the summit of the Rocky Mountains at midnight
on the 1 7th. The climate changes suddenly, and the cold is in-
tense. We resume runners, have a breakdown, and are forced
to walk four miles.
I remember that one of the numerous reasons urged in favor
of General Fremont's election to the Presidency in 1856 was
his finding the path across the Rocky Mountains. I wrung my
frost-bitten hands on that dreadful night, and declared that for
me to deliberately go over that path in mid-winter was a suf-
ficient reason for my election to any lunatic asylum, by an over-
whelming vote.
Another sensation. Not comic this time. One of our pas-
sengers, a fair-haired German boy, whose sweet ways had quite
won us all, sank on the snow, and said Let me sleep. We
knew only too well what that meant, and tried hard to rouse him
It was in vain. Let me sleep, he said. And so in the cold
starlight he died. We took him up tenderly from the snow,
and bore him to the sleigh that awaited us by the roadside, some
two miles away. The new moon was shining now, and the smile
on the sweet white face told how painlessly the poor boy had
died. No one knew him. He was from the Bannock mines,
was ill-clad, had no baggage or money, and his fare was paid to
Denver. He had said that he was going back to Germany.
That was all we knew. So at sunrise the next morning we
buried him at the foot of the grand mountains that are snow-
covered and icy all the year round, far away from the Faderland,
where, it may be, some poor mother is crying for her darling who
will not come.
10
218 HURRAH FOtfTHE ROAD!
We strike the North Platte on the 18th.
At Elk Mountain we encounter a religious driver named
Edward Whitney, who never swears at the mules. This has
made him distinguished all over the plains. Fort Halleck is a
mile from Elk, and here are some troops of the Ohio llth regi-
ment, under the command of Major Thomas L. Mackey.
On the 20th we reach Rocky Thomas's justly celebrated sta-
tion at 5 in the morning, and have a breakfast of hashed black-
tailed deer, antelope steaks, ham, boiled bear, honey, eggs, coffee,
tea, and cream. That was the squarest meal on the road except
at Weber.
To Virginia Dale. Weather clear and bright. Virginia
Dale is a pretty spot, a sit ought to be with such a pretty name ;
but I treated with no little scorn the advice of a hunter I met
there, who told me to give up fl literatoor," form a matrimonial
alliance with some squaws, and " settle down thar. "
Bannock on the brain ! That is what is the matter now. WE
on-load after wagon-load of emigrants, bound to the new Ic
gold regions, meet us every hour. Canvas-covered and di
for the most part by fine large mules, they make a pleasant
orama, as they stretch slowly over the plains and uplands,
strike the South Platte Sunday, the 21st, and breakfast at
Latham, a station of one-horse proportions. We are now in
Colorado ( " Pike's Peak "), and we diverge from the main route
here and visit the flourishing and beautiful city of Denver,
where I lecture.
We go to the Mountains from Denver, visiting the celebrated
gold-mining towns of Black Hawk and Central City. I leave
this queen of all the territories, quite firmly believing that its
future is to be no less brilliant than its past has been.
Back to Latham again over a marshy road, and on to Nebraska
by the main stage-line.
We reach Julesberg, Colorado, the 1st of March, We are
in the country of the Sioux Indians now, and encounter them
by the hundred. A Chief offers to sell me his daughter (a fair
young Indian maiden) for six dollars and two quarts of whiskey.
I decline to trade.
The .Otoe Indian buries his tomahawk, and settles down to farming. Se<.' page 219.
VERT MUCH MARRIED. 219
ITansas, 105 miles from Atchison. Atchison ! No traveller
by sea ever longed to set his foot on shore as we longed to reach
the end of our dreary coach-ride over the wildest part of the
whole continent. How we talked Atchison, and dreamed
Atchison, for the next fifty hours ! Atchison, I shall always
love you. You were evidently mistaken, Atchison, when you
told me that in case I " lectured " there, immense crowds would
throng to the hall ; but you are very dear to me. Let me kiss
you for your maternal parent !
We are passing through the reservation of the Otoe Indians,
who long ago x^ashed the war-paint from their faces, buried the
tomahawk, and settled down into quiet, prosperous farmers.
We rattle leisurely into Atchison on a Sunday evening.
Lights gleam in the windows of milk-white churches, and they
tell us, far better than anything else could, that we are back to
civilization again.
XIY.
VERY MUCH MAKRIED.
ARE the Mormon women happy ?
I give it up. I don't know. Apparently, the Mormon
women are happy. I saw them at their best, of course at
balls, tea-parties, and the like. They were like other women as
far as my observation extended. They were hooped, and furbe-
lowed, and shod, and white-collared, and bejewelled ; and like
women all over the world, they were softer-eyed and kinder-
hearted than men can ever hope to be.
The Mormon girl is reared to believe that the plurality wife
system (as it is delicately called here) is strictly right ; and in
linking her destiny with a man who has twelve wives, she un-
220 VERT MUCH MARRIED.
doubtedly considers she is doing her duty. She loves .the man,
probably, for I think it is not true, as so many writers have
stated, that girls are forced to marry whomsoever " the
Church " may dictate. Some parents no doubt advise, connive,
threaten, and in aggravated cases incarcerate here, as some par-
ents have always done elsewhere, and always will do as long as
petticoats continue to be an institution.
How these dozen or twenty wives get along without heart-
burnings and hairpullings, I can't see.
There are instances on record, you know, where a man don't
live in a state of uninterrupted bliss with one wife. And to
say that a man can possess twenty wives without having his
special favorite, or favorites, is to say that he is an angel in
boots which is something I have never been introduced to.
You never saw an angel with a Beard, although you may have
seen the Bearded Woman.
The Mormon woman is early taught that man, being created
in the image of the Saviour, is far more godly than she can ever
be, and that for her to seek to monopolize his affections is a
species of rank sin. So she shares his affections with five or six
or twenty other women, as the case may be.
A man must be amply able to support a number of wives be-
fore he can take them. Hence, perhaps, it is that so many old
chaps in Utah have young and blooming wives in their seraglios,
and so many young men have only one.
I had a man pointed out to me who married an entire family.
He had originally intended to marry Jane, but Jane did not
want to leave her widowed mother. The other three sisters
were not in the matrimonial market for the same reason ; so
this gallant man married the whole crowd, including the girl's
grandmother, who had lost all her teeth, and had to be fed with
a spoon. The family were in indigent circumstances, and they
could not but congratulate themselves on securing a wealthy hus-
band. It seemed to affect the grandmother deeply, for the first
words she said on reaching her new home were : " Now, thank
God ! I shall have my gruel reg'lar ! "
VERT MUCH MARRIED. 221
The name of Joseph Smith is worshipped in Utah ; and,
" they say," that although he has been dead a good many years,
he still keeps on marrying women by proxy. He (l reveals "
who shall act as his earthly agent in this matter, and the agent
faithfully executes the defunct Prophet's commands.
I have somewhere stated that Brigham Young is said to have
eighty wives. I hardly think he has so many. Mr. Hyde, the
backslider, says in his book that " Brigham always sleeps by
himself, in a little chamber behind his office ; " and if he has
eighty wives I don't blame him. He must be bewildered. I
know very well that if I had eighty wives of my bosom I should
be confused, and shouldn't sleep anywhere. I undertook to count
the long stockings, on the clothes-line, in his back yard one day,
and I used up the multiplication table in less than half an
hour.
In this book I am writing chiefly of what I saw, and to elab-
orately denounce, at this late day, a system we all know must
be wildly wrong, would be simply to impeach the intelligence
of the readers of this book.
Artemus Ward arrives in London Introduces himself to Mr
Punch. [See Page 223.']
AETEMUS WAED IN LONDON.
THE LONDON PUNCH LETTEES.
I.
ARRIVAL IX LONDON.
.Sin. Puxcn : MY DEAR SIR, You prob'ly didn't meet iny
uncle Wilyim when he was on these shores. I jedge so from
the fack that his pursoots wasn't litrary. Commerce, which
it has been trooly observed by a statesman, or somebody,
is the foundation stone onto which a nation's greatness rests,
glorious Commerce was Uncle Wilyim's fort. He sold soap.
It smelt pretty, and redily commanded two pents a cake. I'm.
the only litrary man in our fam'ly. It is troo, I once had a
dear cuzzun who wrote 22 verses onto " A Child who nearly
Died of the Measles, O ! " but as he injoodiciously introjuced
a chorious at the end of each stansy, the parrents didn't like it
at all. The father in particler wept afresh, assaulted my cuzzun,
and said he never felt so ridicklus in his intire life. The on-
happy result was that my cuzzun abandind poetry forever, and
went back to shoemakin, a shattered man.
My Uncle "Wilyim disposed of his soap, and returned to his
nativ land with a very exolted opinyon of the British public.
t( It is a edycated community," said he ; " they're a intellectooal
peple. In one small village alone I sold 50 cakes of soap, in-
cloodin barronial halls, where they offered me a ducal coronet,
224: THE LONDON PUNCH LETTERS.
but I said no give it to the poor." This was the way Uncle
"VVilyim went on. He told us, however, some stories that was
rather too much to be easily swallerd. In fade, my Undo
Wilyini was not a emblem of trooth. He retired some years
ago on a hansum comptency derived from the insurance-money
he received on a rather shaky skooner he owned, and which
turned up while lyin at a wharf one night, the cargo havin
fortnitly been remooved the day afore the disastriss calamty oc-
curd. Uncle Wilyini said it was one of the most sing'ler
things he ever heard of; and, after collectin the insurance
money, he bust into a flood of tears, and retired to his farm
in Pennsylvany. He was my uncle by marriage only. I do
not say that he wasn't a honest man. I simply say that if
you have a uncle, and bitter experunce tells you it is more
profitable in a pecoonery pint of view to put pewter spoons in-
stid of silver ones onto the table when that uncle dines with
you in a frenly way I simply say, there is sumthun wrong in
our social sistim, which calls loudly for reform.
I 'rived on these shores at Liverpool, and proceeded at
once to London. I stopt at the Washington Hotel in Liv-
erpool, because it was named after a countryman of mine
who didn't get his living by makin' mistakes, and whose
mem'ry is dear to civilized peple all over the world, bo-
cause he was gentle and good as well as trooly great.
We read in Histry of any number of great individooals, but
how few of 'em, alars ! should we want to take home to supper
with us ! Among others, I would call your attention to Alex-
ander the Great, who conkerd the world, and wept because he
couldn't do it sum more, and then took to gin-aiid-seltzer, get-
tin' tight every day afore dinner with the most disgustin' reg'-
larity, causin' his parunts to regret they hadn't 'prenticed him
in his early youth to a biskit-baker, or some other occupation
of a peaceful and quiet character. I say, therefore, to the great
men now livin' (you could put 'em all into Hyde Park, by the
way, and still leave room for a large and respectable concourse
of rioters) be good. I say to that gifted but bald-heded
ARRIVAL IN LONDON. 225
Prooshun, Bismarck, bs good and gentle in your hour of tri.
ump. I always am. I admit that our lines is different, Bis-
marck's and mine ; but the same glo'rus principle is involved-
I am a exhibiter of startlin' curiositys, wax works, snaix, etsetry
(" either of whom," as a American statesman whose name I
ain't at liberty to mention for perlitical resins, as he expecks
to be a candidate for a prom'nent offiss, and hence doesn't wish
to excite the rage and jelisy of other showmen "either of
whom is wuth dubble the price of admission ") ; I say I am a
exhibiter of startlin curiositys, and I also have my hours of
triump, but I try to be good in 'em. If you say, " Ah, yes,
but also your hours of grief and misfortin ; " I answer, it is
troo, and you prob'ly refer to the circumstans of my hirin' a
young man of dissypated habits to fix hisself up as a A real
Cannibal from New Zeelan, and when I was simply tellin the
audience that he was the most feroshus Cannibal of his tribe,
id that, alone and unassisted, he had et sev'ril of our fellow-
mntrymen, and that he had at one time even contemplated
his Uncle Thomas on his mother's side, as well as other
lear and dear relatives, when I was makin' these simple
itements, the mis'ble young man said I was a Iyer, and knockt
off the platform. Not quite satisfied with this, he cum and
hevily on me, and as he was a very muscular person and
rore remarkable thick boots, I knew at once that a canary bird
't walkin' over me.
I admit that my ambition overlept herself in this instuns,
id I've been very careful ever since to deal square with the
iblic. If I was the public I should insist on squareness, tho'
shouldn't do as a portion of my audience did on the occasion
jest mentioned, which they was emplyed in sum naberin' coal
ines. " As you hain't got no more Cannybals to show us, old
i," said one of 'em, who seemed to be a kind of leader among
i' a tall dis'greeble skoundril " as you seem to be out of
Cannybals, we'll sorter look round here and fix things. Them
wax figgers of yours want washin'. There's Napoleon Bony
parte and Julius Caesar they must have a bath," with which
226 ARRIVAL IN LONDON.
coarse and brutal remark he imitated the shrill war-hoop of the
western savige, and, assisted by his infamus coal-heavin com-
panyins, he threw all my wax-work into the river, and let my
wild bears loose to pray on a peaceful and inoffensive agricul-
tooral community.
Leavin Liverpool (I'm goin' back there, tho I want to see
the Docks, which I heard spoken of at least once while 1 was
there) I cum to London in a 1st class car, passin' the time
very agreeable in discussin, with a countryman of mine, the
celebrated Schleswig-Holstein question. We took that int'rest-
ing question up and carefully traced it from the time it com-
menced being so, down to the present day, when my countryman,
at the close of a four hours' annymated debate, said he didn't
know anything about it himself, and he wanted to know if I
did. I told him that I did not. He's at Bamsgate now, and
I am to write him when I feel like givin him two days in which
to discuss the question of negro slavery in America. But now
I do not feel like it.
London at last, and I'm stoppin at the Greenlion tavern. I
like the lan'lord very much indeed. He had fallen into a few
triflin errers in regard to America he was under the impres-
sion, for instance, that we et hay over there, and had horns
growin out of the back part of our heads but his chops and
beer is ekal to any I ever pertook. You must cum and see
me and bring the boys. I'm told that Garrick used to cum
here, but I'm growin skeptycal about Garrick's favorit taverns.
I've had over 500 public-houses pinted out to me where Garrick
went. I was indooced one night, by a seleck comp'ny of Brit-
ons, to visit sum 25 public-houses, and they conndontially told
me that Garrick used to go to each one of 'em. Also, Dr.
Johnson. This won't do, you know.
May be I've rambled a bit in this comrn. any cation. I'll try
and be more collected in my next, and meanwhile, b'lieve me
TrooJy Yours,
ARTEMUS WARD.
PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 227
II.
PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS.
YOU'LL be glad to learn that I've made a good impression
onto the mind of the lan'lord of the Greenlion tavern. He
made a speech about me last night. Eisin' in the bar he spoke
as follers, there bein over 20 individooals present: "This
North American has been a inmate of my 'ouse over two weeks,
yit he hasn't made no attempt to scalp any member of my
fam'ly. He hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or furnitur of any
kind. (Hear, Jtear.) I find I can trust him with lited candles.
He eats his wittles with a knife and a fork. Peple of this kind
should be encurridged. I purpose 'is 'elth ! " (Loud ^plaws.)
What could I do but modestly get up and express a fervint
hope that the Atlantic Cable would bind the two countries still
more closely together ? The lan'lord said my speech was full
of orig'nality, but his idee was the old stage coach was more
safer, and he tho't peple would indors that opinyin in doo time.
I'm gettin' on exceedin' well in London. I see now, however,
that I made a mistake in orderin' my close afore I left home.
The trooth is the taler in our little villige owed me for a pig
and I didn't see any other way of gettin' my pay. Ten years
ago these close would no doubt have been fash'n'ble, and per-
haps they would be ekally sim'lar ten years hens. But now
they're dilT'rently. The taler said he know'd they was all right,
because he had a brother in. Wales who kept him informed
about London fashins reg'lar. This was a infamus falsehood.
But as the ballud says (which I heard a gen'l'man in a new
soot of black close and white kid gloves sing t'other night),
Never don't let us Despise a Man because he wears a Raggid
Coat ! I don't know as we do, by the way, tho' we gen'rally
get out of his way pretty rapid ; prob'ly on account of the pity
which tears our boosums for his onhappy condition.
This last remark is a sirkastic and witherin' thrust at them
228 PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS.
blotid peple who live in gilded saloons. I tho't I'd explain my
meanin' to you. I frekently have to explain the meanin' of
my remarks. I know one man - and he's a man of varid
'complishments who often reads my articles over 20 times
afore he can make anything of 'em at all. Our skoolmaster to
home says this is a pecoolerarity of geneyus. My wife says it
is a pecoolerarity of infernal nonsens. She's a exceedin'
practycal woman. I luv her muchly, however, and humer
her little ways. It's a recklis falshood that she henpecks
me, and the young man in our neighborhood who said to me
one evenin', as I was mistenin' my diafrani with a gentle
cocktail at the villige tavun who said to me in these very
langwidge, "Go home, old man, oriless you desires to have
another teapot throwd at you by B. J.," probly regrets havin
said so. I said, " Betsy Jane is my wife's front name, gentle
yooth, and I permits no person to alood to her as B. J. out-
side of the family circle, of which I am it principally my-
self. Your other observations I scorn and disgust, and I must
pollish you off." He was a able-bodied young man, and, re-
moovin his coat, he inquired if I wanted to be ground to
powder ? I said, Yes : if there was a Powder-grindist handy,
nothin would 'ford me greater pleasure, when he struck me a
painful blow into my right eye, causin' me to make a rapid
retreat into the fireplace. I hadn't no idee that the enemy
was so well organised. But I rallied and went for him, in a
rayther vigris style for my time of life. His parunts lived
near by, and I will simply state 15 minits had only elapst after
the first act when he was carried home on a shutter. His
mama met the sollum procession at the door, and after keer-
fully looking her orfspring over, she said, " My son, I see how
it is distinctually. You've been foolin' round a Trashin
Masheen. You went in at the place where they put the grain
in, cum out with the straw, and you got up into the thingamy-
jig, and let the horses tred on you, didn't you, my son? " The
pen of no liven Orthur could describe that disfortnit young
man's sittywation more clearer. But I was sorry for him, and
PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 229
I went and missed him till he got well. His reg'lar original
father being absent to the war, I told him I'd be a father to
him myself. He smilt a sickly smile, and said I'd already
been wus than two fathers to him.
I will here obsarve that fitin orter be allus avided, excep in
extreem cases. My principle is, if a man smites me on the
right cheek I'll turn my left to him, prob'ly ; but if he insin-
ooates that my gran'm other wasn't all right, I'll punch his
hed. But fitin is mis'ble bisniss, gen'rally speakin, and when-
ever any enterprisin countryman of mine cums over here to
scoop up a Briton in the prize ring I'm allus excessively
tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad fack has
thus far been the case my only sorrer bein' that t'other
feller wasn't scooped likewise. It's diff'rently with scull in
boats, which is a manly sport, and I can only explain Mr.
Hamil's resunt defeat in this country on the grounds that he
wasn't used to British water. I hope this explanation will be
entirely satisfact'ry to all.
As I remarked afore, I'm gettin' on well. I'm aware that
I'm in the great metrop'lis of the world, and it doesn't make
me onhappy to admit the fack. A man is a ass who dispoots
it. That's all that ails him. I know there is sum peple who
cum over here and snap and snarl 'bout this and that : I
know one man who says it is a shame and a disgraice that St.
Paul's Church isn't a older edifiss ; he says it should be years
and even ages older than it is; but I decline to hold myself
responsible for the conduck of this idyit simply because he's
my countryman. I spose every civ'lised land is endowed with
its full, share of gibberin' idyits, and it can't be helpt least-
ways I can't think of any efiectooal plan of helpin' it.
I'm a little sorry you've got politics over here, but I shall
not diskuss 'em with nobody. Tear me to peaces with wild
omnibus hosses, and I won't diskuss 'em. I've had quite enuff
of 'em at home, thank you. I was at Birmingham t'other
night, and went to the great meetin' for a few minits. I
230
PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS.
hadn't been in the hall long when a stern-lookin' artisan said
to me:
You ar from "Wales?"
No, I told him I didn't think I was. A hidgyis tho't flasht
over me. It was of that oiiprincipled taler, and I said, " Has
my clothin' a Welchy appearance ? "
" Not by no means," he answered, and then he said, " And
what is your opinyin of the present crisis ? "
I said, " I don't zackly know. Have you got it very bad ? "
He replied, a Sir, it is sweepin' over England like the Cy-
moon of the Desert ! "
" Wall," I said, " let it sweep ! "
He ceased me by the arm and said, " Let us glance at
hist'ry. It is now some two thousand years "
" Is it, indeed? " I replied.
" Listin ! " he fiercely cried ; ({ it is only a little over two
thousand years since "
" Oh, bother ! " I remarkt, " let us go out and git some beer."
" No, Sir. I want no gross and sensual beer. I'll not
move from this spot till I can vote. Who ar you ? "
I handed him my card, which, in addition to my name, con-
tains a elabrit description of my show. " Now, Sir," I proudly
said, <c you know me ? "
" I sollumly swear," he sternly replied, " that I never heard
of you, or your show, in my life ! "
" And this man," I cried bitterly, " calls hisself a intelligent
man, and thinks he orter be allowed to vote ! What a holler
mockery ! "
I've no objection to ev'ry intelligent man votin' if he wants
to. It's a pleasant amoosement, no doubt ; but there is those
whose igrance is so dense and loathsum that they shouldn't be
trustid with a ballit any more'n one of my trained serpunts
should be trusted with a child to play with.
I went to the station with a view of retumin' to town on
the cars. " This way, Sir," said the guard ; " here you ar,"
" Has my clothin* a Welchy appearance? " See page 230.
TEE GREENLION AND OL1VEU CROMWELL. 231
and he pinted to a first-class carrige, the sole ockepant of which
was a rayther prepossessin' female of about 30 summers.
" No, I thank you," I ernestly replied, " I prefer to walk."
I am, dear Sir,
Very respectivly yours,
ARTEMUS WARD.
III.
THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL.
MR. PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, It is now two weeks since
a rayther strange lookin man engaged 'partments at the Green-
lion. He stated he was from the celebrated United States,
but beyond this he said nothin. He seem'd to prefer solly-
tood. He remained mostly in his room, and whenever he did
show hisself he walkt in a mood}'- and morose manner in the
garding, with his heel bowed down and his arms foldid across
his brest. He reminded me sumwhat of the celebrated but
onhappy Mr. Holler, in the cheerful play of The Stranger.
This man puzzled me. I'd been puzzled afore several times,
but never so severally as npw. Mine Ost of the Greenlion
said I must interrigate this strange bein, who claimed to be my
countryman. " He hasn't called for a drop of beer since he's
been in this ere Ouse," said the landlord. " I look to you,"
he added, ii to clear up this dark, this orful inistry ! "
I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand, and told him to con-
sider the mistry cleared up.
I gained axes to the misterus bein's room, and by talkiii
sweet to him for a few minits, I found out who he was. Then
returnin to the lan'lord, who was nervisly pacin up and down
the bar, I said,
t{ Sweet ROLANDO, don't tremble no more ! I've torn the
marsk from the hawty stranger's face, and dived into the re-
cesses of his inmost sole ! He's a Trans-Mejim ! "
232 THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL.
I'd been to the Beefanham theatre the previs evenin, and
probly the drammer I saw affected me, because I'm not in the
habit of goin on as per above. I like the Beefaiiham theatre
very much indeed, because there a enthoosiastic lover of the
theatre like myself can unite the legitermit drammer with fish.
Thus, while your enrapterd soul drinks in the lorfty and noble
sentences of the gifted artists, you can eat a biled mack'ril jest
as comfor'bly as in your o\yn house. I felt constrained, how-
ever, to tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me, and
who was accompanied by a gin bottle and a young infant I
felt constrained to tell that mother, when her infant playfully
mingled a rayther oily mack'ril with the little hair which is
left on my vener'ble hed, that I had a bottle of scented hair oil
at home, which on the whole I tho't I preferred to that which
her orf spring was greasin me with. This riled the excellent
female, and she said, (( Git out ! You never was a infank
yourself, I spose ! Oh no ! You was too good to be a infank,
you was ! You slid into the world all ready grow'd, didn't
you? Git out ! " " No, Madam," I replied, " I too was once
a infant ! I was a luvly child. Peple used to come in large
and enthoosiastic crowds from all parts of the country to see
me, I was such a sweet and intel'gent infant. The excitement
was so intens, in fack, that a extra hotel was startid in the
town to accomodate the peple who thronged to my cradle."
Havin finished these troothful statemints, I smilt sweetly on
the worthy female. She said, " Drat you, what do you come
a-chaffiii me for ? " and the estymible woman was really gettin
furis, when I mollyfied her by praisiii her child, and by axin
pardin for all I'd said. " This little gal," I observed, " this
surprisingly luvly gal " when the mother said, " It's t'other
sect is he, Sir: it's a boy." "Wall," I said, "then this little
boy, whose eye is like a eagle a-soaring proudly in the azure
sky, will some day be a man, if he don't choke hisself to death
in childhood's sunny hours with a smelt or a bloater, or some
other drefful calamity. How surblime the tho't, my dear
Madam, that this infant as you fondle on your knee on this
Artemus Ward as Capting of the Home Guards Sef
page 233.
THE OREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 203
night, may grow up into a free and independent citizen, whoso
vote will be worth from ten to fifteen pounds, accordin as
suffrages may range at that joy us perid ! "
Let us now return, jentle reader, to the landlord of the
Greenlion, who we left in the bar in a state of anxiety and
perspire. Rubbin his hot face with a red hankercher, he said,
" Is the strange bein a American ? "
"He is."
"AGen'ral?"
"No."
"A Colonial?"
" No."
"AMajer?"
"NotaMajer."
"ACapting?"
" He is not."
" A leftenant?"
" Not even that."
"Then," said the landlord of the Greenlion, "you ar de-
ceeved ! He is no countryman of yours."
''Why not?" I said.
" I will tell you, Sir," said the lan'lord. " My son-in-law is
employed in a bankin house where ev'ry American as comes to
these shores goes to git his drafts casht, and he says that not
one has arrived on these shores durin the last 18 months as
wasu't a Gen'ral, a Colonial, a Majer, a Capting, or a leftenant !
This man, as I said afore, has deceeved you ! He's a im-
postuer ! "
I reeled into a chair. For a minit I was speechlis. At
length I murmerd, " Alars ! I fear it is too troo ! Even I was
n Capting of the Home Gards."
" To be sure," said the lan'lord ; you all do it over there."
" Yv r all," I said, "whatever nation this person belongs to,
" vre may as well go and hear him lectur this evenin. He is
one of these spirit fellers he is a Trans-Mejini, and when he
slings himself into a trans-state he says the sperrits of de-
234 THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL.
parted great men talk through him. He says that to-night
sev'ril em'nent persons will speak through him among others,
Cromwell."
u And this Mr. Cromwell is he dead ? " said the lan'lord.
I told him that Oliver was no more.
" It's a umbug," said the lan'lord ; to which I replied that
we'd best go and see, and we went. We was late, on account
of the lan'lord's extensiv acquaintans with the public house
keepers along the road, and the hall was some two miles dis-
tant, but we got there at last. The hall was about half full,
and the Mejim was just then assurnin' to be Benjamin Frank-
lin, who was speakin about the Atlantic Cable.
He said the Cable was really a merrytorious affair, and that
messiges could be sent to America, and there was no doubt
about their gettin there in the course of a week or two, which
he said was a beautiful idear, and much quicker than by
steamer or canal-boat. It struck me that if this was Franklin
a spiritooal life hadn't improved the old gentleman's mtellecks
particly.
The audiens was mostly composed of rayther pale peple,
whose eyes I tho't rolled round in a somewhat wild manner.
But they was well-behaved, and the females kept saying,
" How beautiful ! What a surbliine thing it is," et cctry, et
cetry. Among the females was one who was a fair and rosy
young woman. She sot on the same seat we did, and the lan'-
lord of the Greenlion, whose frekent iiitervoos with other lan'-
lords that evenin had been too much for him, fastened his left
eye on the fair and rosy young person, and smilin lovinly upon
her, said, " You may give me, my dear, four-penny-worth of
gin cold gin. I take it cold, because "
There was cries of " Silence ! Shame ! Put him out ! the
Skoffer ! "
" Ain't we at the Spotted Boar ? " the lan'lord hoarsely
whispered.
" No," I answered. " It's another kind of bore. Lis'en.
Cromwell is goin' to speak through our inspired fren', now."
THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 235
"Is he? "said the lan'lord < c is he? Wall, I've suthin
to say, also. Was this Cromwell a licensed vittler ? "
" Not that I ever heard," I anserd.
" I'm sorry for that," said the lan'lord with a sigh ; " but
you think he was a man. who would wish to see licensed vit-
tlers respected in their rights ? "
" No doubt."
"Wall," said the lan'lord, " jest you keep a eye on me."
Then risin to his feet he said, in a somewhat husky yet tol'bly
distink voice, " Mr. Crumbwell ! "
" Cromwell ! " I cried.
" Yes, Mr. Cromwell : that's the man I mean, Mr. Cromble !
won't you please advise that gen'l'man who you're talkin
through ; won't you advise 'im during your elekant speech to
settle his bill at my 'ouse to-night, Mr. Crumbles," said the
lan'lord, glarin' savigely round on the peple, " because if he
don't, there'll be a punched 'ed to be seen at the Greenlion,
where I don't want no more of this everlasting nonsens. Fll
talk through 'im ! Here's a sperrit," said the lan'lord, a smile
once more beainin on his face, (i which will talk through hiin
like a Dutch father ! I'm the sperrit for you, young feller ! "
" You're a helthy old sperret," I remarkt ; and then I saw the
necessity of gettin him out of the hall. The wimin was yel-
lin and screamin, and the men was hollerin' perlice. A per-
liceman really came and collerd my fat fren. t( It's only a fit,
Sir Richard," I said. I always call the perlice Sir Richard.
It pleases them to think I'm the victim of a deloosion ; and
they always treat me perlitely. This one did, certainly, for he
let us go. We saw no more of the Trans-Mejim.
It's difnkilt, of course, to say how long these noosances will
bo allowed to prowl round. I should say, however, if pressed
for a answer, that they will prob'ly continner on jest about as
long as they can find peple to lis'en to 'em. Ain I right ?
Yours, faithfull,
ARTEMUS WARD.
236
AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE.
IY.
AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE.
MR. PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, I've been lingerin by the
Tomb of the lamentid Shakspeare.
It is a success.
I do not hes'tate to pronounce it as such.
You may make any use of this opinion that you see fit. If
you think its publication will subswerve the cause of littera-
oor, you may publicate it.
I told my wife Betsy when I left home that I should go to
the birthplace of the orthur of Otlieller and other Plays. She
said that as long as I kept out of Newgate she didn't care
where I went. " But," I said, " don't you know he was the
greatest Poit that ever lived? Not one of these common
poits, like that young idyit who writes verses to our daughter,
about the Roses as growses, and the Breezes as blowses but
a Boss Poit also a philosopher, also a man who knew a great
deal about everything."
She was packing my things at the time, and the only answer
she made was to ask me if I was goin to carry both of my red
flannel night caps.
Yes. I've been to Stratford onto the Avon, the Birthplace
of Shakspeare. Mr. S. is now no more. He's been dead over
three hundred (300) years. The peple of his native town are
justly proud of him. They cherish his mem'ry, and them as
sell picturs of his birthplace, &c., make it prof tible cherishin it.
Almost everybody buys a pictur to put into their Albiom.
As I stood gazing on the spot where Shakspeare is s'posed to
have fell down on the ice and hurt hisself when a boy, (this
spot cannot be bought the town authorities say it shall
never be taken from Stratford) I wondered if three hundred
years hence picturs of my birthplace will be in demand ? Will
AT THE TOMS OF SHAKSPEARE. 237
the peple of my native town be proud of rne in three hundred
years? I guess they won't short of that time because they
say the fat man weighing 1000 pounds which I exhibited there
was stuffed out with pillers and cushions, which he said one
very hot day in July, " Oh bother, I can't stand this," and
commenced pullin the pillers out from under his weskit, and
heavin 'em at the audience. I never saw a man lose flesh so
fast in my life. The audience said I was a pretty man to come
chiselin my own townsmen in that way. I said, " Do not be
angry, feller-citizens. I exhibited him simply as a work of
art. I simply wished to show you that a man could grow
fat without the aid of cod-liver oil." But they wouldn't
listen to me. They are a low and grovelin set of peple, who
excite a feelin of loathin in every brest where lorfty emo-
tions and original idees have a bidin place.
I stopped at Leamington a few minits on my way to Strat-
ord onto the Avon, and a very beautiful town it is. I went
into a shoe shop to make a purchis, and as I entered I saw
over the door those dear familiar words, " By Appintment :
H. R. H. ; " and I said to the man, " Squire, excuse me, but
this is too much. I have seen in London four hundred boot
and shoe shops by Appintment : H. R. H. ; and now y outre
at it. It is simply onpossible that the Prince can wear 400
pairs of boots. Don't tell me," I said, in a voice choked with
emotion " Oh, do not tell ms that you also make boots for
Jim. Say slippers say that you mend a boot now and then
for him ; but do not tell me that you make 'em reg'lar for
him."
The man smilt, and said I didn't understand these things.
He said I perhaps had not noticed in London that dealers in
all sorts of articles was By Appintment. I said, t( Oh, Iiadn't
I ? " Then a sudden thought flasht over me. " I have it ! " I
said. " When the Prince walks through a street, he no doubt
looks at the shop windows."
The man said, l( No doubt."
" And the enterprisin tradesman," I continnerd, " the mo-
238 AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEAEE.
ment the Prince gets out of sight, rushes frantically and has
a tin sign painted, By Appintment, H. R. H. ! It is a beauti-
ful, a great idee ! "
I then bought a pair of shoe strings, and wringin the shop-
man's honest hand, I started for the tomb of Shakspeare in a
hired fly. It look't however more like a spider.
" And this," I said, as I stood in the old church-yard at
Stratford, beside a Tombstone, " this marks the spot where
lies William W. Shakspeare. Alars ! and this is the spot
where "
You've got the wrong grave," said a man a worthy vil-
lager : " Shakspeare is buried inside the church."
" Oh," I said, " a boy told me this was it." The boy larfed
and put the shillin I'd given him onto his left eye in a inglori-
ous manner, and commenced moving backwards towards the
street.
I pursood and captered him, and after talking to him a spell
in a skarcastic stile, I let him went.
The old church was damp and chill. It was raiiiin. The
only persons there when I entered was a fine bluff old gentle-
man who was talking in a excited manner to a faslmibly dressed
young man. (l 2sTo, Ernest Montresser," the old gentleman
said, "it is idle to pursoo this subjeck no further. You can
never marry my daughter. You were seen last Monday in
Piccadilly without a urnbreller ! I said then, as I say now,
any young man as venturs out in a uncertain climit like this
without a umbreller, lacks foresight, caution, strength of mind
and stability; and he is not a proper person to intrust a
daughter's happiness to."
I slapt the old gentleman on the shoulder, and I said,
" You're right ! You're, one of those kind of men, you are "
He wheeled suddenly round, and in a indignant voice, said,
Cf Go way go way ! This a privit intervoo."
I didn't stop to enrich the old gentleman's mind with my con
versation. I sort of inferred that he wasn't inclined to listen to
me, and so I went on. But he was right about the umbreller.
-
Artemus Ward visits the Tomb of Shakspeare and makes a
slight mistake See page 238.
AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 230
I'm really delighted with this grand old country, Mr. Punch,
but you must admit that it does rain ray the r numerously here.
Whether this is owing to a monerkal form of gov'ment or not,
I leave all candid and onprejudiced persons to say.
William Shakspeare was born in Stratford in 1564. All the
commentators, Shaksperian scholars, etsetry, are agreed on this,
which is about the only thing they are agreed on in regard to him,
except that his mantle hasn't fallen onto any poet or dramatist
hard enough to hurt said poet or dramatist much. And there
is no doubt if these commentaters and persons continner inves-
tigatin Shakspeare's career, we shall not, in doo time, know any-
thing about it at all. When a mere lad little William attended
the Grammar School, because, as he said, the Grammar School
wouldn't attend him. This remarkable remark, comin from
one so young and inexperunced, set peple to thinkin there
might be somethin in this lad. He subsequently wrote Ham-
let and George Barnwdl. When his kind teacher went to
London to accept a position in the offices of the Metropolitan
Hail way, little William was chosen by his fellow pupils to de-
liver a farewell address. " Go on, Sir," he said, " in a glorus
career. Be like a eagle, and soar, and the soarer you get the
more we shall all be gratified ! That's so."
My young readers, who wish to know about Shakspeare, bet-
ter get these vallyable remarks framed.
I returned to the hotel. Meetin a young married couple,
they asked me if I could direct them to the hotel which Wash-
ington Irving used to keep ?
'' I've understood that he was onsuccessful as a lan'lord," said
the lady.
61 We've understood," said the young man, " that he busted
up."
I told 'em I was a stranger, and hurried away. They were
from my country, and ondoubtedly represented a thrifty lie
well somewhere in Pennsylvany. It's a common thing, by the
Vv-ay, for a old farmer in Pennsylvany to wake up some niornin
and find ile squirtin all around his back yard. He sells out for
240 IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB.
'norinous price, and his children put on gorgeous harness and
starb on a tower to astonish peple. They succeed in doin it.
Meantime the He squirts and squirts, and Time rolls on. Let
it roll.
A very nice old town is Stratford, and a capital inn is the
Red Horse. Every admirer of the great S. must go there once
certinly ; and to say one isn't a admirer of him, is equv'lent
to say in one has jest about brains enough to become a efficient
tinker.
Some kind person has sent me Chawcer's poems. Mr. C.
had talent, but he couldn't spel. No man has a right to be a
lit'rary man onless he knows how to spel. It is a pity that
Chawcer, who had geneyus, was so unedicated. He's the wuss
speller I know of.
I guess I'm through, and so I lay down the pen, which is more
mightier than the sword, but which I'm fraid would stand a
rayther slim chance beside the needle gun.
Adoo ! adoo !
ARTEMUS WARD.
Y.
IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB.
MR. PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, It is seldim that the Com-
mercial relations between Great Britain and the United States
is mar'd by Games.
It is Commerce, after, all, which will keep the two countries
friendly to'ards each other rather than' statesmen.
I look at your last Parliament, and I can't see that a single
speech was encored during the entire session.
Look at Congress but no, I'd rather not look at Congress.
Entertainin this great regard for Commerce " whose sales
whiten every sea," as everybody happily observes every chance
he gets, I learn with disgust and surprise that a British sul>j<H-k
IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 241
bo't a Barril of Apple Sass in America recently, and when he
arrove home he found under a few deloosiv layers of sass
nothin but sawdust. I should have instantly gone into the
City and called a meetin of the leadin commercial men to con-
dem and repudiate, as a American, this gross frawd, if I hadn't
learned at the same time that the draft given by the British
subjeck in payment for this frawdylent sass was drawd onto a
Bankin House in London which doesn't have a existence, but
far otherwise, and never did.
There is those who larf at these things, but to me they merit
rebooks and frowns.
"With the exception of my Uncle Wilyim who, as I've be-
fore stated, is a uncle by marrige only, who is a low cuss and
filled his coat pockets with pies and biled eggs at his weddin
breakfast, given to him by my father, and made the clergyman as
united him a present of my father's new overcoat, and when my
father on discoverin it got in a rage and denounced him,
Uncle Wilyim said the old man (meanin my parent) hadn't
any idee of first-class Humer ! with the exception of this
wretched Uncle the escutchin of my fam'ly has never been
stained by Games. The little harmless deceptions I resort to
in my perfeshion I do not call Games. They are sacrifisses
to Art.
I come of a very clever fam'ly.
The Wards is a very clever fam'Jy, indeed.
I believe we are descendid from the Puritins, who nobly fled
from a land of despitism to a land of freedim, where they could
not only enjoy their own religion, but prevent everybody else
from enjoy in his.
As I said before, we are a very cleuer fam'ly.
I was strolling up Regent Street the other day, thinkin what
a clever fam'ly I come of, and looking at the gay shop-winders.
I've got some new close since you last saw me. I saw them
others wouldn't do. They carrid the observer too far back into
the dim vister of the past, and I gave 'em to a Orfun Asylum.
The close I wear now I bo't of Mr. Moses, in the Commercial
11
242 IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB.
Road. They was expressly made, Mr. Moses inforemd me,
for a nobleman, but as they fitted him too muchly, partic'ly
the trows'rs (which is blue, with large red and white checks)
he had said, " My" dear feller, make me some more, only mind
be sure you sell these to some genteel old feller."
I like to saunter thro' Regent Street. The shops are pretty,
and it does the old man's hart good to see the troops of fine
healthy girls which one may always see there at certain hours
in the afternoon, who don't spile their beauty by devourin
cakes and sugar things, as too many of the American and
French lasses do. It's a mistake about everybody being out
of town, I guess. Regent Street is full. I'm here ; and as I
said before, I come of a very clever fain'ly.
As I was walkin along, amoosin myself by stickin my penkife
into the calves of the footmen who stood waitin by the swell-
coaches (not one of whom howled with angwish), I was accosted
by a man of about thirty-five sumrners, who said, " I have seen
that face somewheres afore ! "
He was a little shabby in his vveariii apparil. His coat was
one of those black, shiny garments, which you can always tell
have been burnished by adversity; but he was very gentle-
manly.
" Was it in the Crimea, comrade ? Yes, it was. It was at
the stormin of Sebastopol, where I had a narrow escape from
death, that we met.
I said, " No, I wasn't at Sebastopol ; I escaped a fatal wound
by not bein there. It was a healthy old fortress," I added.
" It was. But it fell. It came down with a crash."
" And plucky boys they was who brought her down," I
added ; " and hurrah for 'em ! "
The man graspt me warmly by the hand, and said he had
been in America, Upper Canada, Africa, Asia Minor, and
other towns, and he'd never met a man he liked as much ;*
he did me. "Let us," he added, "let us to the shrine of
Bachus ! " And he dragged me into a public house. I was
IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 243
determined to pay, so I said, " Mr. Bachus, giv this gen'l'man
what he calls for."
We conversed there in a very pleasant manner till my din-
ner-time arrove, when the agree' ble gentleman insisted that I
should dine with him. " We'll have a banquet, Sir, fit for the
gods ! "
I told him good plain vittles would soot me. If the gods
wanted to have the dispepsy, they was welcome to it.
We had soop and fish, and a hot jint, and growsis, and wines
of rare and costly vintige. We had ices, and we had froots
from Greenland's icy mountins and Injy's coral strands ; and
when the sumptoous reparst was over, the agree'ble man said
he'd unfortnitly left his pocket-book at home on the marble
centre-table. " But, by Jove ! " he said, " it was a feast fit for
the gods!"
I said, " Oh, never mind," and drew out my puss ; tho' I
in'ardly wished the gods, as the dinner was fit for 'em, was
there to pay for it.
I come of a very clever fam'ly.
The agree'ble gentleman then said, " Now, I will show you
our Club. It dates back to the time of William the Con-
queror."
" Did Bill belong to it ? " I inquired.
He did."
"Wall," I said, "if Billy was one of 'em, I need no other
endorsement as to its respectfulness, and I'll go with you, my
gay trooper boy ! " And we. went off arm-in-arm.
On the way the agree'ble man told me that the Club was
called the Sloshers. He said I would notice that none of 'em
appeared in evenin dress. He said it was agin the rools of
the club. In fack, if any member appeared there in evenin
dress he'd be instantly expeld. " And yit," he added, " there's
geneyus there, and lorfty emotions, and mtelleck. You'll be
surprised at the quantities of intelleck you'll see there."
We reached the Sloshers in due time, and I must say they
244: 18 INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB.
was a shaky-looking lot, and the public house where they con-
vened was certingly none of the best.
The Sloshers crowded round me, and said I was welcome.
""What a beautiful brest-pin you've got," said one of 'em.
" Permit me," and he took it out of my neckercher. " Isn't
it luvly," he said, parsin it to another, who passed it to an-
other. It was given me by my Aunt, on my promisin her I'd
never swear profanely; and I never have, except on very
special occasions. I see that beautiful boosum pin a parsin
from one Slosher to another, and I'm reminded of them sad
words of the poit, " parsin away ! parsin away ! " I never
saw it no more. Then in comes a athletic female, who no
sooner sees me than she utters a wild yell, and cries :
" At larst ! at larst ! My Wilyim, from the seas ! "
I said, " Not at all, Marm. Not on no account. I have
heard the boatswain pipe to quarters but a voice in my heart
didn't whisper Seu-zan ! I've belayed the marlin-spikes on
the upper jibpoop, but Seu-zan's eye wasn't on me, much.
Young woman, I am not you're Saler boy. Far different."
" Oh yes, you are ! " she howled, seizin me round the neck.
6 ( Oh, how I've lookt forwards to this meetin ! "
" And you'll presently," I said, t{ have a opportunity of
lookin backwards to it, because I'm on the point of leavin this
institution."
I will here observe that I come of a very clever family. A
very clever fam'ly, indeed.
" Where," I cried, as I struggled in vain to release myself
from the eccentric female's claws, a where is the Capting the
man who was into the Crimea, amidst the cannon's thunder ?
I want him."
He came forward, and cried, " "What do I see ? Me Sister !
me sweet Adulaide ! and in teers ! Willin ! " he screamed,
" and you're the serpent I took to my boosum, and borrowed
money of, and went round with, and was cheerful with, are
you ? You ought to be ashamed of yourself."
Somehow my coat was jerked off, the brest-pocket of which
Young woman, Pm not your Saler boy. Far different."
See page 244.
THE TOWER OF LONDON. 245
contained my pocket-book, and it parsed away like the brest-
pin. Then they sorter quietly hustled me into the street.
It was about 12 at night when I reached the Greenlion.
" Ha ! ha ! you sly old rascal, you've been up to larks ! "
said the lan'lord, larfin loudly, and digging his fist into my
ribs.
I said, " Bigsby, if you do that agin, I shall hit you ! Much
as I respect you and your excellent fam'ly, I shall disfigger
your beneverlent countenance for life ! "
"\Vhat has ruffled your spirits, friend ? " said the lan'lord.
" My spirits has been ruffled," I ansered in a bittur voice,
" by a viper who was into the Crimea. What good was it," I
cried, " for Sebastopol to fall down without enwelopin in its
ruins that viper?"
I then went to bed. I come of a very clever fam'ly.
ARTEMUS WARD.
VI.
THE TOWER OF LONDON.
MR. PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, 1 skurcely need inform you
that your excellent Tower is very pop'lar with peple from the
agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly them class which I
found waitin at the gates the other mornin.
I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis.
In the entire history of firm basisis I don't find a basis more
firmer than this one.
1 'You have no Tower in America?" said a man in the
crowd, who had somehow detected my denomination.
"Alars! no," I ansered; "we boste of our enterprise and
improovements, and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America,
oh my onhappy country ! thou hast not got no Tower ! It's a
sweet Boon."
246
THE TOWER OF LONDON.
The gates was opened after awhile, and we all purchist tickets,
and went into a waitin-room.
" My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in black close,
" this is a sad day."
" Inasmuch as to how ? " I said.
" I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been
killed within these gloomy walls. My frens, let us drop a
tear ! "
" No," I said, " you must excuse me. Others may drop one
if they feel like it ; but as for me, I decline. The early man-
agers of this institootion were a bad lot, and their crimes were
trooly orful ; but I can't sob for those who died four or five
hundred years ago. If they was my own relations I couldn't.
It's absurd to shed sobs over things which occurd durin the
rain of Henry the Three. Let us be cheerful," I continnerd
f( Look at the festiv Warders, in their red flannil jackets.
They are cheerful, and why should it not be thusly with us ? "
A Warder now took us in charge, and showed us the Trater's
Gate, the armers, and things. The Trater's Gate is wide enuff
to admit about twenty trater's abrest, I should jedge; but
beyond this, I. couldn't see that it was superior to gates in
gen'ral.
Traters, I will here remark, are a onfortnit class of peple.
If they wasn't, they wouldn't be traters. They conspire to
bust up a country they fail, and they're traters. They bust
her, and they become statesmen and heroes.
Take the case of Gloster, afterwards Old Dick the Three,
who may be seen at the Tower, on horseback, in a heavy tin
overcoat take Mr. Gloster's case. Mr. G. was a conspirater
of the basist dye, and if he'd failed, he would have been hung
on a sour apple tree. But Mr. G. succeeded, and became
great. He was slewd by Col. Richmond, but he lives in liistry,
and his equestrian figger may be seen daily for a sixpence, in
conjunction with other em'nent persons, and no extra charge
for the Warder's able and bootiful lectur.
There's oiae king in this room who is mounted onto a foamin
THE TOWER OF LONDON. 247
steed, his riglit hand graspin a barber's pole. I didn't learn
his name.
The room where the daggers and pistils and other weppins
is kept is interestin. Among this collection of choice cutlery
I notist the bow and arrer which those hot-heded old chaps
used to conduct battles with. It is quite like the bow and
arrer used at this day by certin tribes of American Injuns,
and they shoot 'em oft' with such a excellent precision that I
almost sigh'd to be a Injun, when I was in the Rocky Mountin
regin. They are a pleasant lot them Injuns. Mr. Cooper and
Dr. Catlin have told us of the red man's wonerful eloquence,
and I found it so. Our party was stopt on the plains of Utah
by a band of Shoshones, whose chief said, " Brothers ! the
pale-face is welcome. Brothers ! the sun is sinkin in the West,
and Wa-na-bucky-she will soon cease speakin. Brothers ! the
poor red man belongs to a race which is fast becomin extink."
He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole all our blankets and
whiskey, and fled to the primeval forest to conceal his emo-
tions.
I will remark here, while on the subjeck of Injuns, that
they are in the main a very shaky set, with even less sense
than the Fenians, and when I hear philanthropists bewailin.
the fack that every year " carries the noble red man nearer the
settin sun," I simply have to say I'm glad of it, tho' it is
rough on the settin sun. They call you by the sweet name of
Brother one minit, and the next they scalp you with their
Thomashawks. But I wander. Let us return to the Tower.
At one end of the room where the weppins is kept, is a wax
figger of Queen Elizabeth, mounted on a fiery stuffed hoss,
whose glass eye flashes with pride, and whose red inorocker
nostril dilates hawtily, as if conscious of the royal burden he
bears. I have associated Elizabeth with the Spanish Annady.
She's mixed up with it at the Surry Theatre, where Troo to
the Core is bein acted, and in which a full bally core is intro-
jooced on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, givin the audiens
the idee. that he intends openin a moosic-hall in- Plymouth the
248 THE TOWER OF LONDON.
moment he conkers that town. But a very interesting dram-
xner is Troo to the Core, notwitstaiidin the eccentric conduck
of the Spanish Admiral ; and very nice it is in Queen Elizabeth
to make Martin Truegold a baronet.
The Warder shows us some instrooments of tortur, such as
thumbscrews, throat-collars, etc., statin that these was conkerd
from the Spanish Armady, and addin what a crooil peple the
Spaniards was in them days which elissited from a bright-
eyed little girl of about twelve summers the remark that she
tho't it was rich to talk about the crooilty of the Spaniards
usin thumb-screws, when we was in a Tower where so many
poor peple's beads had been cut off. This made the Warder
stammer and turn red.
I was so pleased with the little girl's brightness that I could
have kissed the dear child, and I would if she'd been six years
older.
I think my companions intended makin a day of it, for they.
all had sandwiches, sassiges, etc. The sad-lookin man, who
had wanted us to drop a tear afore we started to go round,
fling'd such quantities of sassige into his mouth, that I ex-
pected to see him choke hisself to death. He said to me, in the
Beauchamp Tower, where the poor prisoners writ their on-
happy names on the cold walls, (( This is a sad sight."
" It is, indeed," I anserd. " You're black in the face. You
shouldn't eat sassige in public without some rehearsals before-
hand. You manage it orkwardly."
<c No," he said, " I mean this sad room."
Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so long ago all these drefful
things happened, I was very glad to git away from this gloomy
room, and go where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept.
I was so pleased with the Queen's Crown, that it occurd to me
what a agree'ble surprise it would be to send a sim'lar one
home to my wife ; and I asked the Warder what was the vally
of a good, well-constructed Crown like that. He told me, but
on cypherin up with a pencil the amount of funs I have in the
SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. 249
Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded I'd send her a genteel silver
watch instid.
And so I left the Tower. It is a solid and commandin
edifis, but I deny that it is cheerful. I bid it adoo without a
pang.
I was droven to my hotel by the most inelancholly driver of
a four-wheeler that I ever saw. He heaved a deep sigh as I
gave him two shillings. " I'll give you six J.'s more," I said,
" if it hurts you so."
" It isn't that," he said, with a hart-rendin groan, " it's only
a way I have. My mind's upset to-day. I at one time tho't
I'd drive you into the Thames. I've been readin all the daily
papers to try and understand about Governor Ayre, and my
mind is totterin. It's really wonderful I didn't drive you into
the Thames."
I asked the onhappy man what his number was, so I could
redily find him in case I should want him agin, and bad him
good-bye. And then I tho't what a frollicksome day I'd made
of it.
Respectably, <fec.
ARTEMUS WARD.
VII.
SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY.
MR. PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, I was a little disapinted in not
receivin a invitation to jine in the meetins of the Social Science
Congress.
I don't exackly see how they go on without me.
I hope it wasn't the intentions of the Sciencers to exclood
me from their delibrations.
Let it pars. I do not repine. Let us remember Homer.
Twenty cities claim Homer dead, thro' which the livin Mr.
Homer couldn't have got trusted for a sandwich and a glass of
bitter beer, or words to that effeck.
11*
250 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY.
But perhaps it was a oversight. Certinly I have been lioss-
pitably rec'd in this country. Hospitality has been pored all
over me. At Liverpool I was asked to walk all over the docks,
which are nine miles long; and I don't remember a instance
since my 'rival in London of my gettin into a cab without a
Briton comin and peiiitely shuttin the door for me, and then
extendin his open hand to'ards me, in the most frenly manner
possible. Does he not, by this simple yit tuchin gesture,
welcum me to England ? Doesn't he ? Oh yes I guess he
doesn't he. And it's quite right among two great countries
which speak the same langwddge, except as regards H's. And
I've been allowed to walk round all the streets. Even at
Buckinham Pallis, I told a guard I wanted to walk round there,
and he said I could walk round there. I ascertained subse-
quent that he referd to the sidewalk instid of the Pallis but
I couldn't doubt his hosspital feelins.
I prepared a Essy on Animals to read before the Social
Science meetins. It is a subjeck I may troothfully say I have
successfully wrastled with. I tackled it when only nineteen
years old. At that tender age I writ a Essy for a lit'ry Insti-
toot entitled, " Is Cats to be Trusted ? " Of the merits of that
Essy it doesn't becum me to speak, but I may be excoos'd for
mentionin that the Institoot parsed a resolution that " whether
we look upon the length of this Essy, or the manner in which
it is written, we feel that we will not express any opinion of
it, and we hope it will be read in other towns."
Of course the Essy I writ for the Social Science Society is a
more finisheder production than the one on Cats, which was
wroten when my mind was crood, and afore I had masterd a
graceful and ellygant stile of composition. I could not even
punctooate my sentences proper at that time, and I observe with
pane, on lookin over this effort of my yooth, that its beauty is
in one or two instances mar'd by ingrammaticisms. This was
unexcusable, and I'm surprised I did it. A writer who can't
write in a grammerly manner better shut up shop.
You shall hear this Essy on Animals. Some day when you
SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. 251
Lave four hours to spare, I'll read it to yon. I think you'll
enjoy it. Or, what will be much better, if I may suggest
omit all picturs in next week's Punch, and do not let your
contributors write enything whatever (let them have a holiday;
they can go to the British Mooseum ;) and publish my Essy
intire. It will fill all your collumes full, and create comment.
Does this proposition strike yon ? Is it a go ?
In case I had read the Essy to the Social Sciencers, I had
intended it should be the closin attraction. I had intended
it should finish the proceedins. I think it would have finished
them. I understand animals better than any other class of
human creatures. I have a very animal mind, and I've been
identified with 'em doorin my entire perfessional career as a
showman, more especial bears, wolves, leopards and ser-
punts.
The leopard is as lively a animal as I ever came into con-
tack with. It is troo he cannot change his spots, but you can
change 'em for him with a paint-brush, as I once did in the case
of a leopard who wasn't nat'rally spptted in a attractive manner.
In exhibitin him I used to stir him up in his cage with a pro-
tracted pole, and for the purpuss of makin him yell and kick
up in a leopardy manner, I used to casionally whack him over
the head. This would make the children inside the booth
scream with fright, which would make fathers of families out-
side the booth very anxious to come in because there is a
large class of parents who have a uncontrollable passion for
takin their children to places where they will stand a chance
of being frightened to death.
One day I whacked this leopard more than ushil, which
elissited a remonstrance from a tall gentleman in spectacles,
who said, l( My good man, do not beat the poor caged animal.
Rather fondle him."
" I'll fondle him with a club," I anserd, hitting him another
whack.
" I prithy desist," said the gentleman ; f< stand aside, and see
the effeck of kindness. I understand the idiosyncracies of these
252 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY.
creeturs better than you do." With that he went up to tlio
cage, and thrustin his face in between the iron bars, he said,
soothinly, " Come hither, pretty creetur." The pretty creetur
come-hithered rayther speedy, and seized the gentleman by the
whiskers, which he tore off about enuff to stuff a small cushion
with.
He said, f( You vagabone, I'll have you indicted for exhibitin
dangerous and immoral animals."
I replied, " Gentle Sir, there isn't a animal here that hasn't
a beautiful moral, but you mustn't fondle 'em. You mustn't
meddle with their idiotsyncracies."
The gentleman was a dramatic cricket, and he wrote a article
for a paper, in which he said my entertainment was a decided
failure.
As regards Bears, you can teach 'em to do interestin things,
but they're onreliable. I had a very large grizzly bear once,
who would dance, and larf, and lay down, and bow his head in
grief, and give a mournful wale, etsetry. But he often annoyed
me. It will be remembered that on the occasion of the first
battle of Bull Hun, it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral soldiers
hat they had business in Washington which ought not to be
neglected, and they all started for that beautiful and romantic
city, maintainin. a rate of speed durin the entire distance that
would have done credit to the celebrated French steed Gladia-
teur. Very nat'rally our Gov'rnent was deeply grieved at this
defeat ; and I said to my Bear, shortly after, as I was giviii a
exhibition in Ohio I said, " Brewin, are you not sorry the
National arms has sustained a defeat ? " His business was to
wale dismal, and bow his dead down, the band (a barrel orgin
and a wiolin) playing slow and melancholly moosic. What did
the grizzly old cuss do, however, but commence darncin and
larfin in the most joyous manner. I had a narrer escape from
being imprisoned for disloyalty. I will relate another incident
in the career of this retchid Bear. I used to present what I
called in the bills a Beautiful living Pictur showing the
Bear's fondness for his Master : in which I'd lay down on a
Natural History Sudden and unexpected Playfulness of the
Bear See page 252.
SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. 253
piece of carpeting, and the Bear would come and lay down
beside me, restin his right paw on my breast, the Band playing
" Home, Sweet Home" very soft and slow. Altho' I say it, it
was a tnchin thing to see. I've seen Tax-Collectors weep over
that performance.
Well, one day I said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, we will show
you the Bear's fondness for his master," and I went and laid
down. I tho't I observed a pecooliar expression into his eyes,
as he rolled clumsily to'ards me, but I didn't dream of the
scene which follerd. He laid down, and put his paw on niy
breast. "Affection of the bear for his Master," I repeated.
f{ You see the Monarch of the Western Wilds in a subjugated
state. Fierce as these animals naturally are, we now see that
they have hearts, and can love. This Bear, the largest in the
world, and measurin seventeen feet round the body, loves me
as a mer-ther loves her che-ild ! " But what was my horror
when the grizzly and infamus Bear threw his other paw under
me, and riz with me to his feet. Then claspin me in a close
embrace he waltzed up and down the platform in a frightful
manner, I yellin with fear and anguish. To make matters
wuss, a low scurrilus young man in the audiens hollered out :
" Playfulness of the Bear ! Quick moosic ! " I jest 'scaped
with my life. The Bear met with a wiolent death the next
da}', by bein in the way when a hevily loaded gun was fired off
by one of my men.
But you should hear my Essy which I wrote for the Social
Science Meetins. It would have had a movin effeck on
them.
I feel that I must now conclood.
I have read Earl Blight's speech at Leeds, and I hope we
shall now hear from John Derby. I trust that not only they,
but Wm. E. Stanley and Lord Gladstone will cling inflexibly
to those great fundamental principles, which they understand
far better than I do, and I will add that I do not understand
anything about any of them whatever in the least and let us
254:
A VISIT TO THE BEITISH MUSEUM.
all be happy, and live within our means, even if we have to
borrer money to do it with.
Very respectively yours,
ARTEMUS WARD.
VIII.
A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM.
MR. PutfCH, MY DEAR SIR, You didn't get a instructiv
article from my pen last week on account of my nervus sistiin
havin underwent a dreffle shock. I got caught in a brief shine
of sun, and it utterly upsot me. I was walkin in Regent Street
one day last week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing
rains, when all at once the Sun bust out and actooally shone
for nearly half an hour steady. I acted promptly. I called
a cab and told the driver to run his hoss at a friteful : te of
speed to my lodgiiis, but it wasn't of no avale. I had orful
cramps, my appytite left me, and my pults went down to 10
degrees below zero. But by careful nussin I shall no doubt re-
cover speedy, if the present sparklin and exileratin weather
continners.
[All of the foregoin is sarcasum.]
It's a sing'lar fack, but I never sot eyes on your excellent
British Mooseum till the other day. I've sent a great many
peple there, as also to your genial Tower of London, however.
It happened thusly : When one of my excellent countrymen
jest arrived in London would come and see me and display a
inclination to cling to me too lengthy, thus showin a respect
for me which I feel I do not deserve, I would sugjest a visit to
the Mooseum and Tower. The Mooseum would ockepy him a
day at leest, and the Tower another. Thus I've derived con-
siderable peace and comfort from them noble edifisses, and I
hope they will long continner to grace your metroplis. There's
A VISIT TO THE DHITISU MUSEUM. 255
my fren Col. Larkins, from Wisconsin, who I regret to say un-
derstands the Jamaica question, and wants to talk with me
about it ; I sent him to the Tower four days ago, and he hasn't
got throogh with it yit. He likes it very much, and he writes
me that he can't never thank me sufficient for directin him to
so interestin a bildin. I writ him not to mention it. The Col.
says it is fortnit we live in a intellectooal age which wouldn't
countenance such infamus things as occurd in this Tower. I'm
aware that it is fashin'ble to compliment this age, but I ain't
so clear that the Col. is altogether right. This is a very re-
spectable age, but it's pretty easily riled ; and considerin upon
how slight a provycation we who live in it go to cuttin each
other's throats, it may perhaps be doubted whether our intel-
lecks is so much massiver than our ancestors' intellecks was,
after all.
I allus ride outside with the cabman. I am of humble par-
entage, but I have (if you will permit me to say so) the spirit
of the eagle, which chafes when shut up in a four-wheeler, and
I feel much eagler when I'm in the open air. So on the morn-
in on which I went to the Mooseum I lit a pipe, and callin a
cab, I told the driver to take me there as quick as his Arabian
charger could go. The driver was under the inflooence of beer,
and narrerly escaped rnnnin over a aged female in the match
trade, whereupon I remonstratid with him. I said, " That
poor old woman may be the only mother of a young man like
you." Then throwing considerable pathos into my voice, I
said, " You have a mother ? "
He said, " You lie ! " I got down and called another cab,
but said iiothin to this driver about his parents.
The British Mooseum is a magnifcent free show for the peo-
ple. It is kept open for the benefit of all.
The humble costymonger, who traverses the busy streets
with a cart containin all kinds of vegetables, such as carrots,
turnips, etc., and drawn by a spirited jacka'ss he can go to
the Mooseum and reap benefits therefrom as well as the lord of
high degree.
256 A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM.
" And this," I said, " is the British Mooseum ! " " These
noble walls," I continnerd, punching them with my umbreller
to see if the masonry was all right but I wasn't allowd to fin-
ish my enthoosiastic remarks, for a man with a gold band on
his hat said, in a hash voice, that I must stop pokin the walls.
I told him I would do so by all means. " You see," I said,
taking hold of the tassel which waved from the man's belt, and
drawin him close to me in a confidential way, " You see, I'm
lookin round this Mooseum, and if I like it I shall buy it."
Instid of larfin hartily at these remarks, which was made in
a goakin spirit, the man frowned darkly and walked away.
I first visited the stuffed animals, of which the gorillers in-
terested me most. These simple-minded monsters live in
Afriky, and are believed to be human beins to a slight extent,
altho' they are not allowed to vote. In this department is one
or two superior giraffes. I never woulded I were a bird, but
I've sometimes wished I was a giraffe, on account of the long
distance from his mouth to his stummuck. Hence, if he loved
beer, one mugful would give him as much enjoyment while goin
down as forty mugfuls would ordinary persons. And he
wouldn't get intoxicated, which is a beastly way of amusin
oneself, I must say. I like a little beer now and then, and
when the teetotallers inform us, as they frekently do, that it
is vile stuff, and that even the swine shrink from it, I say it
only shows that the swine is a ass who don't know what's good ;
but to pour gin and brandy down one's throat as freely as
though it were fresh milk, is the most idiotic way of goin' to the
devil that I know of.
I enjoyed myself very much lookin at the Egyptian mum-
my s, the Greek vasis, etc., but it occurd to me there was ray-
ther too many " Roman antiquitys of a uncertin date." Now,
I like the British Mooseum, as I said afore, but when I see a
lot of erthen jugs and pots stuck up on shelves, and all " of a
uncertin date," I'm at a loss to 'zackly determin whether they
are a thousand years old or was bought recent. I can cry like
a child over a jug one thousand years of age, especially if it is
A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. 257
a Roman jug ; but a jug of a uncertin date doesn't overwhelm
me v.ith emotions. Jugs and pots of a uncertin age is doubt-
less vallyable property, but, like the debentures of the London,
Chatham, and Dover Railway, a man doesn't want too many of
them.
I was debarred out of the great readin-room. A man told
me I must apply by letter for admission, and that I must get
somebody to testify that I was respectable. I'm a little 'fraid
I shan't get in there. Seein a elderly gentleman, with a bene-
verlent-lookin face near by, I venturd to ask him if he would
certify that I was respectable. He said he certainly would
not, but he would put me in charge of a policeman, if that
would do me any good. A thought struck me. l( I refer you
to J/r. Punch? I said.
"Well," said a man, who had listened to my application,
" you have done it now ! You stood some chance before." I
will get this infamus wretch's name before you go to press, so
you can denounce him in the present number of your excellent
journal.
The statute of Apollo is a pretty slick statute. A youDg
yeoman seemed deeply imprest with it. He viewd it with si-
lent admiration. At home, in the beautiful rural districks
where the daisy sweetly blooms, he would be swearin in a hor-
rible manner at his bullocks, and whacking 'em over the head
with a hayfork; but here, in the presence of Art, he is a
changed bein.
I tokl the attendant that if the British nation would stand
the expens of a marble bust of myself, I would willingly sit to
some talented sculpist. " I feel," I said, " that this is a dooty
I owe to posterity." He said it was hily prob'l, but he \vas
inclined to think that the British nation wouldn't care to en-
rich the Mooseum with a bust of me, altho' he venturd to
think that if I paid for one myself it would be accepted cheer-
fully by Madam Tussaud, who would give it a prom'nent posi-
tion in her Chamber of Horrers. The young man was very
polite, and I thankt him kindly.
258 A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM.
After visitin the Refreshment room and partakin of half a
chicken " of a uncertin age," like the Roman antiquitys I have
previsly spoken of, I prepared to leave. As I passed through
the animal room I observed with pane that a benevolint person
was urgin the stufft elephant to accept a cold muffin, but I did
not feel called on to remonstrate with him, any more than I did
with two young persons of diff'rent sexes who had retired be-
hind the Rynosserhoss to squeeze each other's hands. In fack,
I rayther approved of the latter proceedin, for it carrid me
back to the sunny spring-time of my life. I'm in the shear
and yeller leaf now, but I don't forgit the time when to
squeeze my Betsy's hand sent a thrill through me like follin off
the roof of a two-story house ; and I never squozed that gentle
hand without wantin to do so some more, and feelin that it did
me good.
Trooly yours,
ARTEMUS WARD.
VI.
ARTEMUS WARD'S PANORAMA.
(ILLUSTRATED AS DELIVERED AT EGYPTIAN HALL, LONDON.)
PREFATORY NOTE.
BY MELVILLE D. LANDON.
THE fame of Artemus Ward culminated in his last lec-
tures at Egyptian Hall, Piccadilly, the final one breaking off
abruptly on the evening of the 23d of January, 1867. That
night the great humorist bade farewell to the public, i'.nd re-
tired from the stage to die ! His Mormon lectures were im-
mensely successful in England. His fame became the talk of
journalists, savans, and statesmen. Every one seemed to be af-
fected differently, but every one felt and acknowledged his power.
" The Honorable Robert Lowe," says Mr. E. P. KINGSTON,
Artemus Ward's bosom friend, " attended the Mormon lecture
one evening, and laughed as hilariously as any one in the room.
The next evening Mr. John Bright happened to be present.
With the exception of one or two occasional smiles, he listened
with grave attention."
The London Standard, in describing his first lecture in Lon-
don, aptly said, " Artemus dropped his jokes faster than the
260 PREFATORY NOTE BY MEL VILLE D. LANDON.
meteors of last night succeeded each other in the sky. And
there was this resemblance between the flashes of his Immor
and the flights of the meteors, that in each case one looked for
jokes or meteors, but they always came just in the placo that
one least expected to find them. Half the enjoyment of the
evening lay, to some of those present, in listening to the hearty
cachinnation of the people, who only found out the jokes some
two or three minutes after they were made, and who laughed
apparently at some grave statements of fact. Reduced to
paper, the showman's jokes are certainly not brilliant; almost
their whole effect lies in their seeming impromptu character.
They are carefully led up to, of course ; but they are uttered as
if they are mere afterthoughts of which the speaker is hardly
sure."
His humor was so entirely fresh and unconventional, that it
took his hearers by surprise, and charmed them. His failing
health compelled him to abandon the lecture after about eight
or ten weeks. Indeed, during that brief period he was once or
twice compelled to dismiss his audieDce. Frequently he sank
into a chair and nearly fainted from the exertion of dressing.
He exhibited the greatest anxiety to be at his post at the ap-
pointed time, and scrupulously exerted himself to the utmost
to entertain his auditors. It was not because he was sick that
tho public was to be disappointed, or that their enjoyment was
to 1)3 diminished. During the last few weeks of his lecture-
giving, he steadily abstained from accepting any of the numer-
ous invitations he received. Had he lived through the follow-
ing London fashionable season, there is little doubt that the
room at the Egyptian Hall would have been thronged nightly.
The English aristocracy have a fine, delicate sense of humor, -
and the success, artistic and pecuniary, of t( Artemus Ward "
would have rivalled that of the famous " Lord Dundreary."
There were many stupid people who did not understand the
" fun " of Artemus Ward's books. There were many stupid
people who did not understand the fun of Artemus Ward's
lecture on the Mormons. Highly respectable people the
PREFATORY NOTE BY MELVILLE D. LANDON. 261
pride of their parish when they heard of a lecture " upon the
Mormons," expected to see a solemn person, full of old saws
and new statistics, who would denounce the sin of polygamy,
and rave without limit against Mormons. These uncomfort-
able Christians do not like humor. They dread it as a certain
personage is said to dread holy water, and for the same reason
that thieves fear policemen it finds them out. When these
good idiots heard Artemus offer, if they did not like the lec-
ture in Piccadilly, to give them free tickets for the same lecture
in California, when he next visited that country, they turned
to each other indignantly, and said, " What use are tickets for
California to iw ? We are not going to California. No ! we
ure too good, too respectable to go so far from home. The
man is a fool ! " One of these vestrymen complained to the
doorkeeper, and denounced the lecturer as an impostor
41 and," said the wealthy parishioner, li as for the panorama, it
is the worst painted thing I ever saw."
During the lecture Artemus was always as solemn as the
grave. Sometimes he would seem to forget his audience, and
stand for several seconds gazing intently at his panorama. Then
he would start up and remark apologetically, " I am very fond
of looking at my pictures." His dress was always the same
evening toilet. His manners were polished, and his voice gen-
tie and hesitating. Many who had read of the man who
spelled joke with a " g," looked for a smart old man with a
shrewd cock eye, dressed in vulgar velvet and gold, and they
were hardly prepared to see the accomplished gentleman with
slim physique and delicate white hands.
The letters of Artemus Ward in Punch from the tomb of
Shakspeare and the London Tower, had made him famous in
England, and in his audience were the nobility of the realm.
His first lecture in London was delivered at Egyptian Hall,
on Tuesday, November 13th, 1866. The room used was that
which had been occupied by Mr. Arthur Sketchley, adjoining
the one in which Mr. Arthur Smith formerly made his appear-
262
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
ances. The stage, with the curtain down, had this appearance
while Artemus was delivering his prologue :
Punctually at eight o'clock he would step hesitatingly before
the audience, and rubbing his hands bashfully, commence the
lecture.
THE 'LECTURE.
You are entirely welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my little
picture-shop.
I couldn't give you a very clear idea of the Mormons and
ARTEHU8 WAK&S LECTURE. 263
Utah and the Plains and the Rocky Mountains with-
out opening a picture-shop and therefore I open one.
I don't expect to do great things here but I have thought
that if I could make money enough to buy me a passage to
New Zealand I should feel that I had not lived in vain.
I don't want to live in vain. I'd rather
live in Margate or here. But I wish when the
Egyptians built this hall they had given it a little more venti-
lation.
If you should be dissatisfied with anything here to-night
I will admit you all free in New Zealand if you will come to
me there for the orders. Any respectable cannibal will
tell you where I live. This shows that I have a for-
giving spirit.
I really don't care for money. I only travel round to see
the world and to exhibit my clothes. These clothes I
have on were a great success in America.
How often do large fortunes ruin young men ! I should
like to be ruined, but I can get on very well as I am.
I am not an Artist. I don't paint myself though per-
haps if I were a middle-aged single lady I should yet I have a
passion for pictures. 1 have had a great many pictures
photographs taken of myself. Some of them are very pretty
rather sweet to look at for a short time
and as I said before, I like them. I've always loved pictures.
I could draw on wood at a very tender age. When a mere
child I once drew a small cart-load of raw tur-
nips over a wooden bridge. The people of the
village noticed me. I drew their attention. They
said 1 had a future before me. Up to that time I had an idea
it was behind me.
Time passed on. It always does, by the way. You may
possibly have noticed that Time passes on.
It is a kind of way Time has.
I became a man. I haven't distinguished myself at all as
264 ARTEMUS WARPS LECTURE.
an artist but I have always been more or less mixed up with
Art. I have an uncle who takes photographs and I have
a Servant who takes anything he can get his hands on.
When I was in Rome Koine in New York State I
mean a distinguished sculpist wanted to sculp me. But
I said " No." I saw through the designing man. My model
once in his hands he would have flooded the market with
my busts and I couldn't stand it to see everybody going
round with a bust of me. Everybody would want one of
course and wherever I should go I should meet the educated
classes with my bust, taking it home to their families. This
would be more than my modesty could stand
and I should have to return to America
where my creditors are.
I like Art. I admire dramatic Art although I failed as an
actor.
It was in my schoolboy days that I failed as an actor.
The play was " the Ruins of Pompeii." 1 played the
Ruins. It was not a very successful performance but it
was better than the (l Burning Mountain." He was not
good. He was a bad Vesuvius.
The remembrance often makes me ask " Where are the
boys of my youth ? " I assure you this is not a* conun-
drum. Some are amongst you here some in America
some are in gaol.
Hence arises a most touching question " Where are the
girls of my youth ? " Some are married some would
like to be.
Oh my Maria ! Alas ! she married another. They frequently
do. I hope she is happy because I am.* Some people
are not happy. I have noticed that.
* ^Because I am! " Spoken with a sigh. It was a joke which al-
ways told. Artemus never failed to use it in his " Babes in the Wood "
lecture, and the " Sixty Minutes in Africa," as well as in the Mormon
story.
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 265
A gentleman friend of mine came to me one day with tears in
his eyes. I said, " Why these weeps ?" He said he had a mort-
gage on his farm and wanted to borrow 200. I lent him
the money and he went away. Some time after he returned
with more tears. He said he must leave me for ever. I ven-
tured to remind him of the 200 he borrowed. He was much
cut up. I thought I would not be hard upon him so told
him I would throw off one hundred pounds. He brightened
shook my hand and said " Old friend I won't allow
you to outdo me in liberality I'll throw off the
other hundre d."
As a manager I was always rather more successful than as
an actor.
Some years ago I engaged a celebrated Living American
Skeleton for a tour through Australia. He was the thinnest
man I ever saw. He was a splendid skeleton. He didn't
weigh anything scarcely and I said to myself the people
of Australia will flock to see this tremendous curiosity. It is
a long voyage as you know from New York to Mel-
bourne and to my utter surprise the skeleton had no sooner
got out to sea than he commenced eating in the most horrible
manner. He had never been on the ocean before and he
said it agreed with him. 1 thought so ! I never saw a
man eat so much in my life. Beef mutton pork he
swallowed them all like a shark and between meals he
was often discovered behind barrels eating hard-boiled eggs.
The result was that when we reached Melbourne this infamous
skeleton weighed 64 pounds more than I did !
I thought I was ruined but I wasn't. I took him on
to California another very long sea voyage and when
I got him to San Francisco I exhibited him as a
Fat Man.
This story hasn't anything to do with my Entertainment, I
know but one of the principal features of my Entertainment
is that it contains so many things that don't have anything to do with,
it.
12
266 AETEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
My Orchestra is small but I am sure it is very good
so far as it goes . I give my pianist ten pounds a
night and his washing.
I like Music. 1 can't sing. As a singist I am not a
success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me.
They are sadder even than I am.
The other night some silver- voiced young men came under
my window and sang " Come where my love lies dreaming."
1 didn't go. I didn't think it would be cor-
rect.
I found music very soothing when I lay ill with fever in
Utah and I was very ill 1 was fearfully wasted.
My face was hewn down to nothing and my nose was so
sharp I didn't dare to stick it into other people's business
for fear it would stay there and I should
never get it again. And on those dismal days a Mormon lady
she was married tho' not so much so as her
husband he had fifteen other wives she used to sing a ballad
commencing " Sweet bird do not fly away ! " and I told
her I wouldn't. She played the accordion divinely ac-
cordionly I praised her.
I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teeth not a tooth in
his head yet that man could play on the bass
drum better than any man I ever met. He
kept a hotel. They have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember
one where they gave me a bag of oats for a pillow 1 had
night mares of course. In the morning the landlord
said How do you feel old hoss hay ? 1 told him I
felt my oats.
Permit me now to quietly state that altho' I am here with
my cap and bells I am also here with some serious descriptions
of the Mormons their manners their customs and
while the pictures I shall present to your notice are by no
means works of art they are painted from photographs
actually taken on the spot and I am sure I need not in-
AETEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
267
form any person present who was ever in the territory of Utah
that they are as faithful as they could possibly be.
I went to Great Salt Lake City by way of California.
I went to California on the steamer " Ariel."
This is the steamer " Ariel."
Oblige me by calmly gazing on the steamer "Ariel"-
and when you go to California be sure and
go on some other steamer because the Ariel isn't a
very good one.
When I reached the " Ariel " at pier No. 4 New York
I found the passengers in a state of great confusion about
their things which were being thrown around by the ship's
porters in a manner at once damaging and idiotic. So great
was the excitement my fragile form was smashed this way
and jammed that way till finally I was shoved into a state-
268
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
room which, was occupied by two middle-aged females who
said, " Base man leave us o, leave us I " 1 left them
Oh I left them!
We reach Acapulco on the coast of Mexico in due time.
Nothing of special interest occurred at Acapulco only
some of the Mexican ladies are very beautiful. They all have
brilliant black hair hair " black as starless night " i f
I may quote from the ''Family Herald." It
don't curl. A Mexican lady's hair never curls it is
straight as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl under
any circumstances. My hair won't curl under two shillings.*
/ik/iy^
The great thoroughfare of the imperial city of the Pacific
Coast.
* " Under Two Shillings." Artemus always wore his hair straight
until after his severe illness in Salt Lake City. So much of it dropped
off during his recovery that he became dissatisfied with the long meagre
ARTEMU3 WAItlTS LECTURE. 269
The Chinese form a large element in the population of San
Francisco and I went to the Chinese Theatre.
A Chinese play often lasts two months. Commencing at the
hero's birth, it is cheerfully conducted from week to week till
he is either killed or married.
The night I was there a Chinese comic vocalist sang a
Chinese comic song. It took him six weeks to finish it but
as my time was limited I went away at the expiration of 215
verses. There were 11,000 verses to this song the chorus
being " Tural lural dural, ri: fol day " which was repeated
twice at the end of each verse making as you will at
once see the appalling number of 22,000 " tural lural dural,
ri fol days" and the man still lives.
appearance his countenance- presented when he surveyed it in the look-
ing-glass. After his lecture at the Salt Lake City Theatre he did not
lecture again until we had crossed the Rocky Mountains and arrived at
Denver City, the capital of Colorado. On the afternoon he was to lec-
ture there I met hin> coming out of an ironmonger's store with a small
parcel in his hand. * ' I want you, old fellow," he said; " I have been all
round the City for them, and I've got them at last." " Got what? "
I asked. u A pair of curling- tongs. I am going to have my hair curled
to lecture in to-night. I mean to cross the plains in curls. Come home
with me and try to curl it for me. I don't want to go to any idiot of a
barber to be laughed at." I played the part offriseur. Subsequently
he became his own " curlist," as he phrased it. From that day forth
Artemus was a curly-haired man.
270
ARTEMU8 WARD'S LECTURE.
^^^^
Virginia City in the bright new State of Nevada.
A wonderful little city right in the heart of the famous
Washoe silver regions the mines of which annually pro-
duce over twenty -five millions of solid silver. This silver is
melted into solid bricks of about the size of ordinary house-
bricks and carted off to San Francisco with mules. The
roads often swarm with these silver wagons.
One hundred and seventy-five miles to the east of this place
are the Reese River Silver Mines which are supposed to be
the richest in the world.
The great American Desert in winter-time the desert
which is so frightfully gloomy always. No trees no
houses no people save the miserable beings who live in
wretched huts and have charge of the horses and mules of the
Overland Mail Company.
ARTEMUS WARDS LECTURE.
271
PLAINS BETWEEN VIRGINIA CITY AND SALT LAKE,
This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil painting
done in petroleum. It is by the Old Masters. It
was the last thing they did before dying. They did this
and then they expired.
The most celebrated artists of London are so delighted with
this picture that they come to the Hall every day to gaze at it.
I wish you were nearer to it so you could see it better. I
wish I could take it to your residences and let you see it by
daylight. Some of the greatest artists in London come here
every morning before daylight with lanterns to look at.
They say they never saw anything like it
before and they hope they never shall again.
When I first showed this picture in New York, the audience
were so enthusiastic in their admiration of this picture that
272
ARTEMU8 WARD8 LECTURE.
they called for the Artist and when he ap-
peared they threw brickbats at him.
A bird's-eye view of Great Salt Lake City the strange
city in the Desert about which so much has been heard
the city of the people who call themselves Saints.
I know there is much interest taken in these remarkable
people ladies and gentlemen and I have thought it
better to make the purely descriptive part of my Entertain-
ment entirely serious. 1 will not then for the next
ten minutes confine myself to my subject.
' Some seventeen years ago a small band of Mormons
headed by Brigham Young commenced in the present thrifty
metropolis of Utah. The population of the territory of Utah
is over 100,000 chiefly Mormons and they are increasing
at the rate of from five to ten thousand annually. The con-
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 273
verts to Mormonism now are almost exclusively confined to
English and Germans. Wales and Cornwall have contrib-
uted largely to the population of Utah during the last few
years. The population of Great Salt Lake City is 20,000.
The streets are eight rods wide and are neither flagged nor
paved. A stream of pure mountain spring water courses
through each street and is conducted into the Gardens of the
Mormons. The houses are mostly of adobe or sun-dried
brick and present a neat and comfortable appearance.
They are usually a story and a half high. Now and then you
see a fine modern house in Salt Lake City but no house
that is dirty, shabby, and dilapidated because there are no
absolutely poor people in Utah. Every Mormon has a nice
garden and every Mormon has a tidy dooryard. Neat-
ness is a great characteristic of the Mormons.
The Mormons profess to believe that they are the chosen peo-
ple of God they call themselves Latter-day Saints
and they call us people of the outer world Gentiles. They say
that Mr. Brigham Young is a prophet the legitimate successor
of Joseph Smith who founded the Mormon religion. They
also say they are authorized by special revelation from
Heaven to marry as many wives as they can comfortably
support.
This wife-system they call plurality the world calls it
polygamy. That at its best it is an accursed thing I need
not of course inform you but you will bear in mind
that I am here as a rather cheerful reporter of what I saw in
Utah and I fancy it isn't at all necessary for me to grow
virtuously indignant over something we all know is hideously
wrong.
You will be surprised to hear I was amazed to see that
among the Mormon women there are some few persons of
education of positive cultivation. As a class the Mormons are
not an educated people but they are by no means the com-
munity of ignoramuses so many writers have told us they were.
12*
274 ART EMUS WARDS LECTURE.
The valley in which they live is splendidly favored. They
raise immense crops. They have mills of all kinds. They have
coal lead and silver mines. All they eat all they drink
all they wear they can produce themselves and still have a
great abundance to sell to the gold regions of Idaho on the one
hand and the silver regions of Nevada on the other.
The President of this remarkable community the
head of the Mormon Church is Brigham Young.
He is called President Young and Brother Brigham. He is
about 54 years old altho' he doesn't look to be over 45. He
has sandy hair and whiskers is of medium height
and is a little inclined to corpulency. He was born in the
State of Vermont. His power is more absolute than that of any
living sovereign yet he uses it with such consummate
discretion that his people are almost madly devoted to him
and that they would cheerfully die for him if they thought the
sacrifice were demanded I cannot doubt.
He is a man of enormous wealth. One-tenth of everything
sold in the territory of Utah goes to the Church and Mr.
Brigham Young is the Church. It is supposed that he specu-
lates with these funds at all events he is one of the
wealthiest men now living worth several millions with
out doubt. He is a bold bad man but that he is also
a man of extraordinary administrative ability no one can doubt
who has watched his astounding cancer for the past ten years.
It is only fair for me to add that he treated me with marked
kindness during my sojourn in Utah.
The West Side of Main Street Salt Lake City including
a view of the Salt Lake Hotel. It is a temperance hotel.* I
* " Temperance Ilotd" At the date of our visit, there was only ono
place in Salt Lake City where strong drink was allowed to be sold.
Brigham Young himself owned the property, and vended the liquor by
wholesale, not permitting any of it to be drunk on the premises. It
was a coarse, inferior kind of whiskey, known in Salt Lake as " Valley
Tan." Throughout the city there was no drinking-bar nor billiard
ARTEMU8 WAIWS LECTURE.
275
WEST SIDE OF MAIN STREET, SALT LAKE CITY.
prefer temperance hotels alt ho' they sell worse
liquor than any other kind of hotels. But
the Salt Lake Hotel sells none nor is there a bar in
all Salt Lake City but I found when I was thirsty
and I generally am that I could get some very good brandy
of one of the Elders on the sly and I never on any
account allow my business to interfere with my drinking.
room, so far as I am aware. But a drink on the sly could always be
had at one of the hard-goods stores, in the back office behind the pile
of metal saucepans; or at one of the dry-goods stores, in the little par-
lor in the rear of the bales of calico. At the present time I believe
that there are two or three open bars in Salt Lake, Brigham Young
having recognized the right of the " Saints" to " liquor up" occasion-
ally. But whatever other failings they may have, intemperance cannot
be laid to their charge. Among the Mormons there are no paupers, no
gamblers, and no drunkards.
276
ARTEMU8 WAR&8 LECTUEE.
There is the Overland Mail Coach. That is, the den on
wheels in which we have been crammed for the past ten days
and ten nights. Those of you who have been in New-
gate* :
and stayed there any length of time as
v i s i to r s can realize how I felt.
The American Overland Mail Route commences at Sacra-
mento California and ends at Atchison Kansas. The
* u Been in Newgate" The manner in which Artemus uttered this
joke was peculiarly characteristic of his style of lecturing. The com-
mencement of the sentence was spoken as if unpremeditated ; then,
when he had got as far as the word ' ' Newgate," he paused, as if wishing
to call back that which he had said. The applause was unfailingly up-
roarious.
ARTEMUS WAR&S LECTURE.
277
distance is two thousand two hundred miles but you go part
of the way by rail. The Pacific Railway is now completed
from Sacramento California to Fulsom California
which only leaves two thousand two hundred and eleven miles
to go by coach. This breaks the monotony
it came very near breaking my back.
At '' ! "3^^
The Mormon Theatre.
This edifice is the exclusive property of Brigham Young. It
will comfortably hold 3,000 persons and I beg you will be-
lieve me when I inform you that its interior is quite as bril-
liant as that of any theatre in London.
The actors are all Mormon amateurs, who charge nothing for
their services.
You must know that very little money is taken at the doors
of this theatre. The Mormons mostly pay in grain and all
sorts of articles.
278
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
another infants'
As a general
The night I gave my little lecture there among my receipts
were corn flour pork cheese chickens on foot
and in the shell.
One family went in on a live pig and a man attempted to
pass a lt yaller dog " at the Box Office but my agent repulsed
him. One offered me a doll for admission-
clothing. 1 refused to take that.
rule I do refuse.
In the middle of the parquet in a rocking chair with
his hat on sits Brigham Young. When the play drags he
either goes out or falls into a tranquil sleep.
A portion of the dress-circle is set apart for the wives of
Brigham Young. From ten to twenty of them are usually
present. His children fill the entire gal-
lery and more too.
Q^
F*"****" - ^ '
EAST SIDE OF MAIN STREET, SALT LAKE CITY.
AETEMUS WAB&S LECTURE. 279
The East Side of Main Street Salt Lake City with a
view of the Council Building The legislature of Utah
meets there. It is like all legislative bodies. They meet this
winter to repeal the laws which they met and made last winter
and they will meet next winter to repeal the laws which
they met and made this winter.
I dislike to speak about it but it was in Utah
that I made the great speech of my life. I wish you could
have heard it. I have a fine education. You may have
noticed it. I speak six different languages London
Chatham and Dover Margate Brighton and Hast-
ings. My parents sold a cow and sent me to college when I
was quite young. During the vacation I used to teach a
school of whales and there's where I learned to spout.
I don't expect applause for a little thing like that. I wish you
could have heard that speech however. If Cicero
he's dead now he has gone from us but if old
Ciss* could have heard that effort it would have given him 1 the
rinderpest. I'll tell you how it was. There are stationed in
Utah two regiments of U. S. troops the 21st from Cali-
fornia and the 37th from Nevada. The 20-onesters asked
me to present a stand of colors to the 37-sters and I did
it in a speech so abounding in eloquence of a bold and brilliant
character and also some sweet talk real pretty shop-
keeping talk that I worked the enthusiasm of
those soldiers up to such a pitch that they
came very near shooting me on the spot.
* " Old Ciss." Here again no description can adequately inform the
reader of the drollery which characterized the lecturer. His reference
to Cicero was made in the most lugubrious manner, as if he really de-
plored his death and valued him as a schoolfellow loved and lost.
280
ARTEMU8 WAR&S LECTURE.
Brigham Young's Harem. These are the houses of
Brigham Young. The first on the right is the Lion House so
called because a crouching stone lion adorns the central front
window. The adjoining small building is Brigham Young's office
and where he receives his visitors. The large house in
the centre of the picture which displays a huge bee-hive
is called the Bee House the bee-hive is supposed to bo
symbolical of the industry of the Mormons. Mrs. Brigham
Young the first now quite an old lady lives here with her
children. None of the other wives of the prophet live here.
In the rear are the school-houses where Brigham Young's
children are educated.
Brigham Young has two hundred wives." Just think of
that! Oblige me by thinking of that. That is he has eighty
actual wives, and he is spiritually married to one hundred and
twenty more. These spiritual marriages as the Mor-
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 281
mons call them are contracted with aged widows who
think it a great honor to be sealed the Mormons call it
being sealed to the Prophet.
So we may say he has two hundred wives. He loves not
wisely but two hundred well. He is dreadfully
married. He's the most married man I ever saw in my life.
I saw his mother-in-law while I was there. I c a n't ex-
actly tell you how many there is of her butit's
a good deal. It strikes me that one mother-in-law is about
enough to have in a family unless you're very fond of excitement.
A few days before my arrival in Utah Brigham was mar-
ried again to a young and really pretty girl but he
says he shall stop now. He told me confidentially that he
shouldn't get married any more. He says fhat all he wants
now is to live in peace for the remainder of his days and
have his dying pillow soothed by the loving hands of his family.
Well that's all right that's all right I suppose
but Hall his family soothe his dying pillow
he'll have to go out-doors to die.
By the way Shakespeare indorses polygamy. He
speaks of the Merry Wives of Windsor. How many wives
did Mr. Windsor have? But we will let this pass.
Some of these Mormons have terrific families. I lectured
one night by invitation in the Mormon village of Provost
but during the day I rashly gave a leading Mormon an order
admitting himself and family. It was before I knew
that he was much married and they filled the
room to overflowing. It was a great success but
I didn't get any money.
ARTEMUS WARDS LECTURE.
Heber C. Kimball's Harem. Mr. C. Kimball is the first
vice-president of the Mormon church and would conse-
quently succeed to the full presidency on Brigham Young's
death.
Brother Kimball is a gay and festive cuss of some seventy
summers or some'ers thereabout. He has one thous-
and head of cattle and a hundred head of
wives. He says they are awful eaters.
Mr. Kimball had a son a lovely young man who was
married to ten interesting wives. But one day while he
was absent from home these ten wives went out
walking with a handsome young man which
so enraged Mr. Kimball's son which made Mr. Kimball's son
so jealous that he shot himself with a horse pistuel.
The doctor who attended him a very scientific man
ARTEMUS WAR&S LECTURE. 283
informed me that the bullet entered the inner parallelogram
of his diaphragmatic thorax, superinducing membranous hem-
orrhage in the outer cuticle of his basiliconthamaturgist. It
killed him. I should have thought it would.
(Soft music.)*
I hope his sad end will be a warning to all young wives who
go out walking with handsome young men. Mr. Kimball's
son is now no more. He sleeps beneath the cypress
the myrtle and the willow. This music is a
dirge by the eminent pianist for Mr. Kimball's son. He died
by request.
I regret to say that efforts were made to make a Mormon of
me while I was in Utah.
It was leap-year when I was there and seventeen young
widows the wives of a deceased Mormon offered me
their hearts and hands. I called on them one day and
taking their soft white hands in mine which made
eighteen hands altogether I found them in
tears.
And I said " Why is this thus ? What is the reason
ofthisthusness?"
They hove a sigh seventeen sighs of different size.
They said
" Oh soon thou wilt be gonested away ! "
I told them that when I got ready to leave a place I went-
ested.
They said " Doth not like us ? "
I said "I doth 1 doth!"
* "Soft Music." Here Artemus Ward's pianist (following instruc-
tions) sometimes played the dead march from " Saul. 1 " At other times,
the Welsh air of "Poor Mary Anne; " or anything else replete with
sadness which might chance to strike his fancy. The effect was irre-
sistibly comic.
284:
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
I also said "I hope your intentions are honorable as 1
am a lone child my parents being far far away.
They then said " Wilt not marry us ? "
I said "Oh no it cannot was."
Again they asked me to marry them and again I declined.
When they cried
" Oh cruel man ! This is too much oh ! too much ? "
I told them that it was on account of
the muchness that I declined.
This is the Mormon Temple.
It is built of adobe and will hold five thousand persons
quite comfortably. A full brass and string band often assists
the choir of this church and the choir I may add is a
remarkably good one.
ARTEMUS WARPS LECTURE.
285
Brigliam Young seldom preaches now. The younger elders
unless on some special occasion conduct the services.
I only heard Mr. Young once. He is not an educated man
but speaks with considerable force and clearness. The
day I was there there was nothing coarse in his remarks.
g%sgQ<%zXgg&s^
y KXXXXXX VW[
The foundations of the Temple.
These are the foundations of the magnificent Temple the
Mormons are building. It is to be built of hewn stone and
will cover several acres of ground. They say it shall eclipse
in splendor all other temples in the world. They also say it
shall be paved with solid gold.
It is perhaps worthy of remark that the architect of this con-
templated gorgeous affair repudiated Mormonism and is now
living in London.
286
ARTEMUS WAR&S LECTURE.
The Temple as it is to be.
This pretty little picture is from the architect's design
and cannot therefore I suppose be called a fancy sketch.
Should the Mormons continue unmolested I think they
will complete this rather remarkable edifice.
Great Salt Lake. The great salt dead sea of the
desert.
I know of no greater curiosity than this inland sea of thick
brine. It is eighty miles wide and one hundred and thirty
miles long. Solid masses of salt are daily washed ashore in im-
mense heaps and the Mormon in want of salt has only to go
to the shore of this lake and fill his cart. Only the salt for
table use has to be subjected to a boiling process.
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
287
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
GREAT SALT LAKE.
These are facts susceptible of the clearest possible proof.
They tell one story about this lake however that I have
my doubts about. They say a Mormon farmer drove forty
head of cattle in there once and they came out first-
rate pickled bee f.
288
ARTEMUS WARPS LECTURE.
I sincerely hope you will excuse my absence I am a
man short and have to work the moon myself.*
I shall be most happy to pay a good
salary to any respectable boy of good
parentage and education who is a good
m o o n i s t.
The Endowment House.
* " The Moon myself." Here Artemus would leave the rostrum for a
few moments, and pretend to be engaged behind. The picture was
painted for a night-scene, and the effect intended to be produced was
that of the moon rising "over the lake and rippling on the waters. It
was produced in the usual dioramic way, by making the track of the
moon transparent and throwing the moon on from the bull's eye of a
lantern. When Artemus went behind, the moon would become nervous
and flickering, dancing up and down in the most inartistic and unde-
cided manner. The result was that, coupled with the lecturer's oddly
expressed apology, the "moon" became one of the best laughed-at
parts of the entertainment.
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
289
In this building the Mormon is initiated into the mysteries
of the faith.
Strange stories are told of the proceedings which are held in
this building but I have no possible means of knowing
how true they may be.
Salt Lake City is fifty-five miles behind us and this is Echo
Canon in reaching which we are supposed to have crossed
the summit of the Wahsatch Mountains. These ochre-colored
bluffs formed of conglomerate sandstone and full of
fossils signal the entrance to the Canon. At its base
lies Weber Station.
Echo Canon is about twenty-five miles long. It is really
the sublimest thing between the Missouri and the Sierra Ne-
vada. The red wall to the left develops farther up the Canon
13
290
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
into pyramids buttresses and castles honeycombed
and fretted in nature's own massive magnificence of architec-
ture.
In 1856 Echo Canon was the place selected by Brigham
Young for the Mormon General Wells to fortify and make im-
pregnable against the advance of the American army led by
General Albert Sidney Johnson. It was to have been the
Thermopylae of Mormondom but it wasn't. General
"Wells was to have done Leonidas but he didn't.
A more cheerful view of the Desert.
The wild snow-storms have left us and we have thrown our
wolf-skin overcoats aside, Certain tribes of far-r western Indians
bury their distinguished dead by placing them high in air and
covering them with valuable furs that is a very fair
representation of these mid-air tombs, Those animals are
horses -I know they are because my artist says so.
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
291
I had the picture two years before I discovered the fact.
The artist came to me about six months ago and said
" It is useless to disguise it from you any longer they
are horses."
It was while crossing this desert that I was surrounded by a
band of Ute Indians. They were splendidly mounted
they were dressed in beaver-skins and they were armed
with rifles knives and pistols.
What could I do ? What could a poor old orphan do ?
I'm a brave man. The day before the Battle of Bull's Run
OUR ENCOUNTER WITH THE INDIANS.
I stood in the highway while the bullets those dreadful
messengers of death were passing all around
me thickly IN WAGGONS on their way
292 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
to the battle-fiel d.* But there were too many of
these Injuns there were forty of them and only one
of me and so I said
" Great Chief I surrender." His name was Wocky-
bocky.
He dismounted and approached me. I saw his tomahawk
glisten in the morning sunlight. Fire was in his eye. Wocky-
bocky came very close to me and seized me by the hair of my
head. He mingled his swarthy fingers with my golden tresses
and he rubbed his dreadful Thomashawk across my lily-
white face. He said
" Torsha arrah darrah mishky bookshean ! "
I told him he was right.
Wocky-bocky again rubbed his tomahawk across my face,
and said " Wink-ho loo-boo ! "
Sa JS I _ Mr. Wocky-bocky " says I " Wocky I
have thought so for years and so's all
our family."
He told me I must go to the tent of the Strong-Heart and
eat raw dog.f It don't agree with me. I prefer simple food.
I prefer pork-pie because then I know
what I'm eating. But as raw dog was all they proposed to
give to me I had to eat it or starve. So at the expiration of
* ' * Their way to the battle-fidd. " This was the great joke of Artemus
Ward's first lecture, "The Babes in the Wood." He never omitted it
in any of his lectures, nor did it lose its power to create laughter by
repetition. The audiences at the Egyptian Hall, London, laughed as im-
moderately at it as did those of Irving Hall, New York, or of the Tre-
mont Temple in Boston.
f " Raw dog." While sojourning for a day in a camp of Sioux In-
dians we were informed that the warriors of the tribe were accustomed
to eat raw dog to give them courage previous to going to battle. Ar-
temus was greatly amused with the information. When, in after years,
he became weak and languid, and was called upon to go to lecture, it
was a favorite joke with him to inquire, " Kingston, have you got any
raw dog ? "
ARTEMUS WARPS LECTURE.
203
two days I seized a tin plate and went to the chiefs daughter
and I said to her in a silvery voice in a kind
of German-silvery voice 1 said
"Sweet child of the forest, the pale-face wants his dog."
There was nothing but his paws ! I had paused too
long! Which reminds me that time passes. A way which
time has.
I was told in my youth to seize opportunity. I once tried to
seize one. He was rich. He had diamonds on. As I seized
him he knocked me down. Since then I have learned that
he who seizes opportunity sees the penitentiary.
The Rocky Mountains.
I take it for granted you have heard of these popular moun-
tains. In America they are regarded as a great
success, and we all love dearly to talk about them. It ig
294
ARTEMUS WARPS LECTURE.
a kind of weakness with us. I never knew but one American
who hadn't something some time to say about the Rocky
Mountains and he was a deaf and dumb man, who couldn't
say anything about nothing.
But these mountains whose summits are snow-covered
and icy all the year round are too grand to make fun of. I
crossed them in the winter of '64 in a rough sleigh drawn
by four mules.
This sparkling waterfall is the Laughing-Water alluded to by
Mr. Longfellow in his Indian poem " Higher- Water." The
water is higher up there.
The plains of Colorado.
These are the dreary plains over which we rode for so many
weary days. An affecting incident occurred on these plains
some time since, which I am sure you will pardon me for in-
troducing here.
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
On a beautiful June morning some sixteen years
(Music, very loud till tlie scene is off.)
*
*
-and she fainted on Reginald's breast!*
295
^^
ps^
The Prairie on Fire.
* " On Reginald's breast.' 1 ' At this part of the lecture Artemus pre-
tended to tell a story the piano playing loudly all the time. He con-
tinued his narration hi excited dumb-show his lips moving as though
he were speaking. For some minutes the audience indulged in unre-
strained laughter.
296
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE.
A prairie on fire is one of the wildest and grandest sights
that can possibly be imagined.
These fires occur of course in the summer when the
grass is dry as tinder and the flames rush and roar over
the prairie in a manner frightful to behold. They usually burn
better than mine is burning to-night. I t r y t o make my
prairie burn regularly and not disap-
point the public but it is not as high-
principled as I am.
bficx>oc^^
Brigham Young at home.
The last picture I have to show you represents Mr. Brigham
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 297
Young in the bosom of his family. His family is large and
the olive branches around his table are in a very tangled con-
dition. He is more a father than any man I
know. When at home as you here see him h e
ought to be very happy with sixty wives
to minister to his comforts and twice
sixty children to soothe his distracted
mind. Ah! my friends what is home without
a family?
What will become of Mormonism ? We all know and ad-
mit it to be a hideous wrong a great immoral stain upon
the 'scutcheon of the United States. My belief is that its
existence is dependent upon the life of Brigham Young. His
administrative ability holds the system together his power
of will maintains it as the faith of a community. When he
dies Mormonism will die too. The men who are around
him have neither his talent nor his energy. By means of his
strength it is held together. When he falls Mormonism will
also fall to pieces.
That lion you perceive has a tail. It is a long one
already. Like mine it is to be continued in our next.
THE END.
13*
AXXXS
The curtain fell for the last time on Wednesday, the 23d of January,
1867. Artemus Ward had to break off the lecture abruptly. He never
lectured again.
PROGRAMME USED AT
PICCADILLY.
Every Night (except Saturday) at 8.
SATURDAY MORNINGS AT 3.
KTEMUS HAKD
AHOSG TEE MORMONS.
During the Vacation the HaU has been carefully Swept out, and a new
Door-Knob has been added to the Door.
MR. ARTEMUS WARD ivtil caU on the Citizens of London, at their
residences, and explain any jokes in his narrative which
they may not understand.
A person of long-established integrity will take excellent care of
Bonnets, Cloaks, etc. , during the Entertainment ; the Audience better
leave their money, however, with Mr. WARD ; he will return it to them
in a day or two, or invest it for them in America as they may think
best.
obody must say that he likes the Lecture unless he wishes to
be thought eccentric ; and nobody must say that he doesn't like it un-
less he really is eccentric. (This requires thinking over, but it will
amply repay perusal. )
The Panorama used to Illustrate Mr. Ward's Narrative is rather worse
than Panoramas usually are.
Mr. WARD will not be responsible for any debts of his own con-
tracting.
I.
APPEARANCE OF ARTEMUS WARD,
Who will be greeted with applause. DSIF = ' The Stall-keeper is
particularly requested to attend to this. ^JjFfi When quiet
has been restored, the Lecturer will present a rather frisky pro-
logue, of about ten minutes in length, and of nearly the same
width. It perhaps isn't necessary to speak of the depth.
II.
THE PICTURES COMMENCE HERE, the first one
being a view of the California Steamship. Large crowd of citi-
zens on the wharf, who appear to be entirely willing that AR-
TEMUS WARD shall go. " Bless you, Sir ! " they say. " Don't
hurry about coming back. Stay away for years, if you want
to ! " It was very touching. Disgraceful treatment of the
passengers, who are obliged to go forward to smoke pipes,
while the steamer herself is allowed 2 Smoke Pipes amidships.
At Panama. A glance at Mexico.
III.
THE LAND OF GOLD.
Montgomery Street, San Francisco. The Gold Bricks.
Street Scenes. " The Orphan Cabman, or the Mule Driver's
Step-Father." The Chinese Theatre. Sixteen square yards of
a Chinese Comic Song.
IV.
THE LAND OF SILVER.
Virginia City, the wild young metropolis of the new Silver
State. Fortunes are made there in a day. There are instances
on record of young men going to this place without a shilling
poor and friendless yet by energy, intelligence, and a care-
ful disregard to business, they have been enabled to leave there,
owing hundreds of pounds.
v.
THE GREAT DESERT AT NIGHT.
A dreary waste of Sand. The Sand isn't worth saving, how-
ever. Indians occupy yonder mountains. Little Injuns seen
in the distance trundling their war-hoops.
VI.
A BIRD'S-EYE VIEW OF GREAT SALT LAKE CITY.
With some entirely desciiptive talk.
VII.
MAIN STREET, EAST SIDE.
The Salt Lake Hotel, which is conducted on Temperance
principles. The landlord sells nothing stronger than salt butter.
vni.
THE MORMON THEATRE.
The Lady of Lyons was produced here a short time since, but
failed to satisfy a Mormon audience, on account of there being
only one Pauline in it. The play was revised at once. It was
presented the next night, with fifteen Paulines in the cast, and
was a perfect success. ?" All these statements may be re-
garded as strictly true. Mr. WARD would not deceive an
infant.
DC.
MAIN STREET, WEST SIDE.
This being a view of Main Street, West side, it is naturally
a view of the West side of Main Street.
x
BRIGHAM YOUNG'S HAREM.
Mr. Young is an indulgent father, and a numerous husband.
For further particulars call on Mr. WARD, at Egyptian Hall,
any Evening this Week. This paragraph is intended to blend
business with amusement.
XI.
HEBER C. KIMBALL'S HAREM.
We have only to repeat here the pleasant remarks above in
regard to Brigham.
INTERMISSION OF FIVE MINUTES.
XII.
THE TABERNACLE.
XIII.
THE TEMPLE AS IT IS.
xrv.
THE TEMPLE AS IT IS TO BE.
xv.
THE GREAT SALT LAKE.
XVI.
THE ENDOWMENT HOUSE.
The Mormon is initiated into the mysteries of his faith here.
The Mormon's religion is singular and his wives are plural.
xvn.
ECHO CANYON.
xvin.
THE DESERT, AGAIN.
A more cheerful view. The Plains of Colorado. The
Colorado Mountains <c might have been seen " in the distance, if
the Artist had painted 'em. But he is prejudiced against
mountains, because his uncle once got lost on one.
XIX.
Brigham Young and his wives. The pretty girls of Utah
mostly marry Young.
XX.
THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS.
xxi.
THE PLAINS OF NEBRASKA.
xxn.
THE PRAIRIE ON FIRE.
RECOMMENDATIONS.
TOTSES, Oct. 20<A, 1866.
Mr. ARTEMUS WARD :
My dear Sir, My wife was dangerously unwell for over sixteen years.
She was so weak that she could not lift a teaspoon to her mouth. But
in a fortunate moment she commenced reading one of your lectures.
She got better at once. She gained strength so rapidly that she lifted
the cottage piano quite a distance from the floor, and then tipped it
over on to her mother-in-law, with whom she had had some little trouble.
We like your lectures very much. Please send me a barrel of them.
If you should require any more recommendations, you can get any
number of them in this place, at two shillings each, the price I charge
for this one, and I trust you may be ever happy.
I am, Sir,
Yours truly, and so is my wife,
R. SPRINGERS.
An American correspondent of a distinguished journal in
Yorkshire thus speaks of Mr. WARD'S power as an Orator :
" It was a grand scene, Mr. ARTEMUS WARD standing on the plat-
form, talking ; many of the audience sleeping tranquilly in their seats ;
others leaving the room and not returning ; others crying like a child
at some of the jokes all, all formed a most impressive scene, and
showed the powers of this remarkable orator. And when he announced
that he should never lecture in that town again, the applause was
absolutely deafening."
Doors open at Half -past Seven, commence at Eight.
Conclude at Half -past Nine.
EVERY EVENING EXCEPT SATURDAY.
SATURDAY AFTERNOONS AT 3 r. M.
ARTEMUS WARD,
PPPFPW7* JW-J* 8o6
OPEN EVERY EVENING.
1. Introductory.
2. The Steamer Ariel, en route.
3. San Francisco.
4. The Washoe Silver Region.
5. The Plains.
6. The City of Saints.
7. A Mormon Hotel.
8. Brigham Young's Theatre.
9. The Council-House.
10. The Home of Brigham Young.
11. Heber C. Kimball's Seraglio.
12. The Mormon House of Worship.
13. Foundations of the New Temple.
14. Architect's View of the Temple when finished.
15. The Great Dead Sea of the Desert.
16. The House of Mystery.
17. The Canon.
18. Mid- Air Sepulture.
19. A Nice Family Party at Brigham Young's.
It requires a large number of Artists to produce this Entertain-
ment. The casual observer can form no idea of the quantity of un-
fettered genius that is soaring, like a healthy Eagle, round this Hall
in connection with this Entertainment. In fact, the following
gifted persons compose the
Secretary of the Exterior ...... Mr. E. P. Hingston.
Secretary of the Treasury . . Herr Max Field,
(Pupil of Signer Thomaso Jacksoni. )
Mechanical Director and Professor of Carpentry Signer G. Wilsoni.
Crankist . . . . . 7 . . ~. \ .... Mons. Aleck.
Assistant Crankist ........... Boy (orphan).
Artists ......... . . Messrs. Hilliard & Maeder.
Reserved Chairists ....... Messrs. Persee & Jerome.
Moppist ........ * : *\.; Signorina O'Flaherty.
Broomist .......... Mile. Topsia de St. Moke.
Hired Man ................ John.
Fighting Editor ...... ... . Chevalier McArone.
Dutchman ..... By a Polish Refugee, named McFinnigin.
Doortendist .......... Mons. Jacques Ridera.
Gas Man . Artemus Ward.
This Entertainment will open with music. The Soldiers' Chorus
from " Faust." B^* First time in this city.
Next comes a jocund and discursive preamble, calculated to
show what a good education the Lecturer has.
View the first is a sea-view. Ariel navigation. Normal school
of whales in the distance. Isthmus of Panama. Interesting in-
terview with Old Panama himself, who makes all the hats. Old
Pan. is a likely sort of man.
San Francisco. City with a vigilant government. Miners al-
lowed to vote. Old inhabitants so rich that they have legs with
golden calves to them.
Town in the Silver region. Good quarters to be found there.
Playful population, fond of high-low-jack and homicide. Silver
lying around loose. Thefts of it termed silver-guilt.
The plains in "Winter. A wild Moor, like Othello. Mountains
in the distance forty thousand miles above the level of the highest
sea (Musiani's chest C included). If you don't believe this you can
go there and measure them for yourself.
Mormondom, sometimes called the City of the Plain, but wrongly ;
the women are quite pretty. View of Old Poly Gamy's house,
&c.
The Salt Lake HoteL Stage just come in from its overland
route and retreat from the Indians. Temperance house. No bar
nearer than Salt Lake sand-bars. Miners in shirts like Artemus
Ward his Programme they are read and will wash.
Mormon Theatre, where Artemus Ward lectured. Mormons like
theatricals, and had rather go to the Play-house than to the Work-
house, any time. Private boxes reserved for the ears of Brother
Brigham's wives.
^intermission: of ^fibt
Territorial State-House. Seat of the Legislature. About as
fair a collection as that at Albany and " we can't say no fairer
than that."
Residence of Brigham Young and his wives. Two hundred
souls with but a single thought, Two hundred hearts that beat as
one.
Seraglio of Heber C. Kiraball. Home of the Queens of Heber.
No relatives of the Queen of Sheba. They are a nice gang of
darlings.
Mormon Tabernacle, where the men espouse Mormonism and the
women espouse Brother Brigham and his Elders as spiritual Physi-
'cians, convicted of bad doct'rin.
Foundations of the Temple. Beginning of a healthy little job.
Temple to enclose all out-doors, and be paved with gold at a
premium.
The Temple when finished. Mormon idea of a meeting-house.
N.B. It will be bigger, probably, than Dodworth Hall. One
of the figures in the foreground is intended for Heber C. Kimball.
You can sec, by the expression of his back, that he is thinking
what a great man Joseph Smith was.
The Great Salt Lake. Water actually thick with salt too saline
to sail in. Mariners rocked on the bosom of this deep with rock
salt. The water isn't very good to drink.
House where Mormons are initiated. Very secret and mysteri-
ous ceremonies. Anybody can easily find out all about them
though, by going out there and becoming a Mormon.
Echo Canon. A rough bluff sort of affair. Great Echo.
When Artemus Ward went through, he heard the echoes of some
things the Indians said there about four years and a half ago.
The Plains again, with some noble savages, both in the live and
dead state. The dead one on the high shelf was killed in a Fra-
tricidal Struggle. They are always having Fratricidal Struggles
out in that line of country. It would be a good place for an en-
terprising Coroner to locate.
*
* *
Brigham Young surrounded by his wives These ladies are sim-
ply too numerous to mention.
Those of the Audience who do not feel offended with Arte-
mus Ward are cordially invited to call upon him, often, at his fine
new house in Brooklyn. His house is on the right hand side as
you cross the Ferry, and may be easily distinguished from the other
houses by its having a Cupola and a Mortgage on it.
*
* *
E^T Soldiers on the battle-field will be admitted to this Enter-
tainment gratis.
The Indians on the Overland Route live on Route and
Herbs. They are an intemperate people. They drink with impu-
nity, or anybody who invites them.
* *
Artemus Ward delivered Lectures before
ALL THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE
ever thought of delivering lectures.
TICKETS 50 CTS. RESERVED CHAIRS $1.
Doors open at 7.30 P.M. ; Entertainment to commence at 8.
MISCELLANEOUS.
CRUISE OF TUE POLLY ANN. 313
I.
CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN.
IN overhaulin one of my old trunks the tother day, I found the
follerin jeriial of a vyge on the starnch canawl bote, Polly Ann,
which happened to the subscriber when I was a young man (in
the Elite Lexington of yooth, when thar aint no sich word as
fale) on the Wabash Canawl :
Monday, 2 P.M. Got under wa. Hosses not remarkable
frisky at fust. Had to bild fires under 'em before they 'd start.
Started at larst very suddent, causin the bote for to lurch vi-
lently and knockin me orf from my pins. (Sailor frase.) Sev-
ral passenjers on bored. Parst threw deliteful country. Hon-
ist farmers was to work so win korn, and other projuce in the
fields. Surblime scenery. Large red-heded gal reclinin on the
banks of the Canawl, bathin her feet.
Turned in at 15 minits parst eleving.
Toosdy. Riz at 5 and went up on the poop deck. Took a
grown person's dose of licker with a member of the Injianny
legislate!*, which he urbanely insisted on allowin me to pay for.
Bote tearin threu the briny waters at the rate of 2 Nots a hour,
when the boy on the leadin hoss shoutid
" Sale hoe ! "
" Whar away ? " hollered the capting, clearin his glass (a
empty black bottle, with the bottom knockt out) and bringing
it to his Eagle eye.
" Bout four rods to the starbud," screamed the boy.
" Jes so," screeched the capting. " What wessel 's that air ? "
" Kickin Warier of Terry Hawt, and be darned to you ! "
" I, I, Sir I " hollered our capting. " Reef your arffc hoss,
splice your main jib-boom, and hail your chambermaid ! What '8
up in Terry Hawt ? "
" You know Bill Spikes ? " sed the capting of the Warier.
14
314 CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN.
<l Wall, I reckin. He can eat TO ore fride pork nor any man
of his heft on the Wabash. He 's a ornament to his sex ! "
'* Wall," continued the capting of the Kickin Warier.
" Wily i in got a little owly the tother day, and got to prancin
around town on that old white mare of his'n, and bein in a
playful mood, he rid up in front of the Court 'us whar old
Judge Perkins was a holdin Court ,and let drive his rifle at him.
The bullet didn't hit the Judge at all ; it only jes whizzed parst
his left ear, lodgin in the wall behind him ; but what d'ye
spose the old despot did ? Why, he actooally fined Bill ten
dollars for contempt of Court ! What do you think of that ? "
axed the capting of the Warier, as he parst a long black bottle
over to our capting.
tf The country is indeed in danger ! " sed our capting, raisin
the bottle to his lips. The wessels parted. No other inci-
dents that day. "Retired to my chased couch at 5 minits
parst 10.
Wensdy. *Riz arly. Wind blowin N.W.E. Hevy sea on,
and ship rollin wildly in consekents of pepper-corns havin bin
fastened to the forrerd hoss's tale. " Heave two ! " roared the
capting to the man at the rudder, as the Polly giv a friteful
toss. I was sick, an sorry I 'd cum. " Heave two ! " repeated
the capting. I went below. " Heave two ! " I hearn him hol-
ler agin, and stickin my hed out of the cabin winder, IJiev.
The hosses became dosile eventually, and I felt better. The
sun bust out in all his splender, disregardless of expense, and
lovely Natur put in her best licks. We parst the beautiful vil-
lage of Limy, which lookt sweet indeed, with its neat white
cottages, Institoots of learnin and other evijences of civilliza-
shun, incloodin a party of bald heded cullered men who was
playing 3 card monty on the stoop of the "Red Eagle tavern.
All, all was food for my 2 poetic sole. I went below to break-
fast, but vittles had lost their charms. " Take sum of this,"
sed the Capting, shovin a bottle tords my plate. " It 's whisky.
A few quarts allers sets me right when my stunimick gits out
BETSY-JAIN RE-ORGUNIZED. 315
of order. It 's a excellent tonic ! " I declined the seductive
flooid.
Thursdy. Didn't rest well last night on account of a uprore
made by the capting, who stopt the Bote to go ashore and smash
in the windows of a grosery. He was brought back in about a
hour, with his hed dun up in a red hankercher, his eyes bein
swelled up orful, and his nose very much out of jint. He was
bro't aboard on a shutter by his erne, and deposited on the
cabin floor, the passenjers all risin up in their births, pushin
the red curtains aside & lookin out to see what the matter was.
" Why do you allow your pashuns to run away with you in this
onseemly stile, my misgided frend ? " sed a sollurn lookin man
in a red flannel nite-cap. " Why do you sink yourself to the
Beasts of the field ? "
" Wall, the fack is," sed the capting, risin hisself on the shut-
ter, " I Ve bin a little prejoodiced agin that grosery for some
time. But I made it lively for the boys, Deacon ! Bet yer
life ! " He larfed a short, wild larf, and called for his jug.
Sippin a few pints, he smiled gently upon the passenjers, sed
" Bless you! bless you ! " and fell into a sweet sleep.
Eventually we reached our jerny's end. This was in the days
of Old Long Sign, be4 the iron boss was foaled. This was be4
steembotes was goin round bustin their bilers & sendin peple
higher nor a kite. Them was happy days, when peple was in-
telligent & wag figger's & livin wild beests wasn't scoffed at.
" O dase of me boyhood
I 'm dreamin on ye now ! "
XPoeckry.) A. W.
II.
BETSY-JAIN RE-OEGUNIZED.
I NEVER attempted to re-Orgunize my wife but onct. 1 shall
never attempt agin.
316 ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
I 'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be
beTrayed inter drinkin several peple's healths ; and wishiii to
maik 'em as Ro-Bust as posserble, I continner'd drinkin thnr
healths until mi Own becurii afflicktid. Oonsekens was, I pre-
sunted myself at Betty's bedside late at nite, with considerbul
licker koncealed about my persun.
I lied somehow got perseschun of a hosswhip on my way hum,
and rememberin some kranky observashuns of Mrs Ward's in
the mornin, I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud
voyce I said, " Betsy, you need re-Orgunizin ! I have cum,
Betsy," I contiimered, crackin the whip over the bed " 1 have
cum to re-Orgunize yer \ Ha-ave you per-ayed to-night ? "
I dreamed that nite that sumbody had layd a hosswhip over
me sevril conseckootive times, and when I woke up I found she
had.
I haint drunk mich of anythin sence, and ef I ever have
anuther re-Orgunizin job on hand I shall let it out.
III.
ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
NEW YORK, NEAR FIFTH AVENOO HOTEL,
Org. 3Ict.
Editer of Play Bill.
DR SIR, Yrs, into which you ask me to send you sum
leadin incidents in my life so you can write my Bogfry for the
papers, cum dooly to hand. I hav no doubt that a article onto
my life, grammattycally jerked and properly puiiktooated, would
be a addition to the chois literatoor of the day.
To the yooth of Ameriky it would be vallyble as showin how
ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. SI 7
high a piimykle of fame a man can reach who commenst his
career with a small canvas tent and a pea-green ox, which he
rubbed it off while scratchin hisself agin the center pole, causin
in Rahway, N. J., a discriminatin mob to say humbugs would
not go down in their village. The ox resoom'd agricultooral
pursoots shortly afterwards.
I next tried my hand at givin Blind-man concerts, appearm
as the poor blind man myself. But the infamus cuss who I
hired to lead me round towns in the day time to excite simpa-
thy drank freely of spiritoous licker unbeknowns to me one day,
& while under their inflooance he led me into the canal. I had
to either tear the green bandige from my eyes or be drownded.
I tho't I 'd restore my eyesight.
In writin about these things, Mr Editer, kinder smooth 'em
over. Speak of 'em as eccentrissities of gen'us.
My next ventur would hav bin a success if I hadn't tried to
do too much. I got up a series of wax figgers, and among
others one of Socrates. I tho't a wax figger of old Sock, would
be poplar with eddycated peple, but unfortinitly I put a Brown
linen duster and a U.S. Army regulation cap on him, which
peple with classycal eddycations said it was a farce. This en-
terprise was onfortnit in other respecks. At a certin town I
advertised a wax figger of the Hon'ble Amos Perkins, who way
a Railroad President, and a great person in them parts. But
it appeared I had shown the same figger for a Pirut named
Gibbs in that town the previs season, which created a intense
toomult, & the audience remarked " shame onto me," & other
statements of the same similarness. I tried to mollify 'em. I
told 'em that any family possessin children might have my she
tiger to play with half a day, & I wouldn't charge 'em a cent,
but alars ! it was of no avail. I was forced to leave, & I infer
from a article in the Advertiser of that town, in which the
Editer says, * f Atho' time has silvered this man's hed with its
frosts, he still brazenly wallows in infamy. Still are his snakes
stuffed, and his wax works unreliable. We are glad that he
318 ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
has concluded never to revisit our town, altho', incredible as it
may appear, the fellow really did contemplate so doing last sum-
mer, when, still true to the craven instincts of his black heart,
he wrote the hireling knaves of the obscure journal across the
street to know what they would charge for 400 small bills, to
be done on yellow paper ! We shall recur to this matter
again ! "
I say, I infer from this article that a prejudiss still exists
agin me in that town.
I will not speak 1 of my once bein in straitend circumstances
in a sertin town, and of my endeaverin to accoomulate welth by
lettin myself to Sabbath School picnics to sing ballads adapted
to the understandins of little children, accompanyin myself on a
claironett which I forgot where I was one day, singin, instid
'>f " Oh, how pleasant to be a little child,"
" Rip slap set 'em up again,
Right in the middle of a three-cent pie,"
which mistake, added to the fact that I couldn't play onto the
claironett except making it howl dismal; broke up the picnic,
and children said, in voices choked with sobs and emotions,
where was their home and where was their Pa ? and I said,
Be quiet, dear children, I am your Pa, which made a young
woman with two twins by her side say very angry ly, " Good
heavens forbid you should ever be the 'Pa of any of these inno-
cent ones, unless it is much desirable for them to expire igmin-
yusly upon to a murderer's gallus ! "
I say I will not speak of this. Let it be Berrid into Obliv-
yun.
In your article, Mr Editer, please tell him what sort of a man
I am.
If you see fit to kriticise my Show, speak your mind freely.
I do not object to kriticism. Tell the public, in a candid and
graceful article, that my Show abounds in moral and startlin
ART EX US WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 319
cooriosities, any one of whom is wuth dubble the price of ad-
mission.
I hav thus far spoke of myself excloosivly as a exhibiter.
I was born in the State of Maine of parents. As a infant I
attracted a great deal of attention. The nabers would stand
over my cradle for hours and say, " How bright that little face
looks ! How much it nose ! " The young ladies would carry
me round in their arms, sayin I was muzzer's bezzy darlin and
a sweety 'eety 'ittle ting. Tt was nice, tho' I wasn't old enuff
to properly appreciate it. I'm a healthy old darlin now.
I have allers sustained a good moral character. I was never
a Railroad director in my life.
Altho' in early life I did not inva'bly confine myself to truth
in my small bills, I have been gradooally growin respectabler
and respectabler ev'ry year. 1 luv my children, and never
mistake another man's wife for my own. I'm not a member of
any meetin house, but firmly bel'eve in meetin houses, and
shouldn't feel safe to take a dose of lauclnum and lay down in.
the street of a village that hadn't any, with a thousand dollars
in my vest pockets.
My temperament is billions, altho' I don't owe a dollar in the
world.
I am a early riser, but my wife is a Presbyterian. I may
add that I am also bald-heded. 1 keep two cows.
I liv in Baldinsville, Indiany. My next door naber is Old
Steve Billins. I'll tell you a little story about Old Steve that
will make you larf. He jined the Church last spring, and the
minister said, " You must go home now, Brother Billins, a.nd
erect a family altar in your own house," whereupon the egrejis
old ass went home and built a reg'lar pulpit in his settin room.
He had the jiners in his house over four days.
I am 56 (56) years of age. Time, with its relentless scythe,
is ever busy. The Old Sexton gathers them in, he gathers
them in ! I keep a pig this year.
I don't think of anything more, Mr Ed'ter.
320 THE SERENADE.
If you should giv my portrait in connection with my Bogfry,
please have me ingravecl in a languishiii attitood, leanin on a
marble pillar, leavin my back hair as it is now. Trooly yours,
ARTEMUS WARD.
IV.
THE SERENADE.
THINGS in our town is workin. The canal boat Lucy Ann
called in here the other day and reported all quiet on the
"Wabash. The Lucy Ann has adopted a new style of Binnakle
light, in the shape of a red-headed girl, who sits up over the
compass. It works well.
The artist I spoke about in my larst has returned to Phila-
delphy. Before he left I took his lily-white hand in mine. I
suggested to him that if he could induce the citizens of Phila-
delphy to believe it would be a good idea to have white winder-
shutters on their houses and white door-stones, he might make
a fortin. " It 's a novelty," I added, " and may startle 'em at
fust, but they may conclood to adopt it."
As several of our public men are constantly being surprised
with serenades, I concluded I 'd be surprised in the same way,
so I made arrangements accordin. I asked the Brass Band how
much they 'd take to take me entirely by surprise with a sere-
nade. They said they 'd overwhelm, me with a unexpected
honour for seven dollars, which I excepted.
I wrote out my impromptoo speech severil days beforehand,
bein very careful to expunge all ingramatticisms and payin par-
ticler attention to the punktooation. It was, if I may say it
without egitism, a manly eifort ; but, alars ! I never delivered
it, as the sekel will show you. I paced up and down the
kitchin speakin my piece over so as to be entirely perfeck. My
bloomin young daughter, Sarah Ann, bothered me summut by
singin, " Why do summer roses fade ? "
TUE SERENADE. 32 1
" Because," said T, arter hearin her sing it about fourteen
times, " because it 's their biz ! Let 'em fade ! "
" Betsy," said I, pausin in the middle of the room and letting
my eagle eye wander from the manuscrip " Betsy, on the night
of this here serenade, I desires you to appear at the winder
dressed in white, and wave a lily-white hankercher. D 'ye
hear ? "
" If I appear," said that remarkable female, (t I shall wave a
lily-white bucket of bilin hot water, and somebody will be
scalded. One bald-headed old fool will get his share."
She refer'd to her husband. No doubt about it in my mind.
But for fear she might exasperate me I said nothin.
The expected night cum. At nine o'clock precisely there was
sounds of footsteps in the yard, and the Band struck up a lively
air, which when they did finish it, there was cries of " Ward !
Ward ! " I stept out onto the portico. A brief glance showed
me that the assemblage was summut mixed. There was a great
many ragged boys, and there was quite a number of grown-up
persons evigently under the affluence of the intoxicatin bole.
The Band was also drunk. Dr Schwazey, who was holdin up a
post, seemed to be partic'ly drunk so much so that it had got
into his spectacles, which were staggerin wildly over his nose.
But I was in for it, and I commenced :
" Feller Citizens, For this onexpected honor "
Leader of the Band. Will you give us our money now, or
wait till you git through ? "
To this painful and disgustin interruption I paid no atten-
tion.
" for this onexpected honor, I thank you."
Leader of the jBand. But you said you 'd give us seven dol-
lars if we 'd play two choons.
Again I didn't notice him, but resumed as follows:
" I say, I thank you warmly. When I look at this crowd of
true Americans, my heart swells "
Dr Schwazey. So do I !
14*
322 VBOURCY'8 "ARRAH-NA-POGUE."
A voice. We all do !
(t my heart swells "
A. voice. Three cheers for the swells.
" We live," said I, " in troublous times, but I hope we .shall
again resume our former proud position, and go on in our glo-
rious career ! "
Dr jSchwazey . I'm will in for one to go on in a glorious
career ! Will you join me, fellow citizens, in a glorious career?
What wages does a man git for a glorious career, when he finds
Jiimself ?
61 Dr Schwazey," said I, sternly, " you are drunk. You 're
disturbin the meetin."
Dr /S. Have you a banquet spread in the house ? I should
like a rhynossyross on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on
toast, or a horse and wagon roasted whole. Anything that 's
handy. Don't put yourself out on my account.
At this point the Band begun to make hidyous noises with
their brass horns, and an exceedingly ragged boy wanted to
know if there wasn't to be some wittles afore the concern broke
up ? I didn't exactly know what to do, and was just on the
pint of doin it, when a upper winder suddenly opened and a
stream of hot water was bro't to bear on the disorderly crowd,
who took the hint and retired at once.
When I am taken by surprise with another serenade, I shall,
among other arrangements, have a respectful company on hand.
So no more from me to-day. When this you see, remember
me.
y.
O'BOTJRCY'S " AIIEAH-NA-POGUE."
You axe me, sir, to sling sum ink for your paper in regards to
th3 new Irish dramy at Niblo's Carding. I will do it, sir.
VBOURCY'S " ARRAH-NA-POGUE." 323
I knew your grandfather well, sir. Sum 16 years ago, while
I was amoosin and instructin the intellectooal peple of Cape
Cod with my justly pop'lar Show, I saw your grandfather.
He was then between 96 years of age, but his mind was very
clear. He told me I looked like George Washington. He
sed I had a massiv intellect. Your grandfather was a highly-
intelligent man, and I made up my mind then that if I could
ever help his family in any way, I 'd do so. Your grandfather
gave me sum clams and a Testament. He charged me for
the clams, but threw in the Testament. He was a very fine
man.
I therefore rite for you, which insures your respectability at
once. It gives you a moral tone at the word go.
I found myself the other night at Niblo's Gardiug, which is
now, by the way, Wheatley's Garding. (I don't know what 's
becuin of Nib.) I couldn't see much of a garding, however,
and it struck me if Mr Wheatley depended on it as regards
raisin things, he 'd run short of gardin sass. [N.B. These
remarks is yoomerous. The older I gro, the more I want to
goak.]
I walked down the ile in my usual dignified stile, politely
tellin the people as I parsed along to keep their seats. " Don't
git up for me," I sed. One of the prettiest young men I ever
saw in my life showed me into a seat, and I proceeded to while
away the spare time by reading Thompson's Bank N^ote Re-
porter and the comic papers.
The ordinance was large.
I tho't, from a cursiry view, that the Finnigan Brotherhood
was well represented.
There was no end of bootiful wimin, and a heap of good
clothes. There was a good deal of hair present that belonged
on the heds of peple who didn't cum with it but this is a
ticklish subjeck for me. I larfed at my wife's waterfall, which
indoosed that superior woman to take it off and heave it at me
rather vilently; and as there was about a half bushil of it, it
324 VBOURCY'8 " ARRAH-NA-POGUE."
knockt me over, and giv me pains in iny body which I hain't
got over yit.
The orkistry struck up a toon, & I asked the TJshev to nudge
me when Mr Pogue cum on the stage to act.
I wanted to see Pogue; but, strange to say, he didn't act
durin the entire evenin. I reckin he has left Niblo's, and gone
over to Barn urn's.
Very industrious peple are the actors at Barnum's. They
play all day, and in the evenin likewise. I meet 'in every
mornin, at five o'clock, going to their work with their tin din-
ner-pails. It 's a sublime site. Many of 'em sleep on the
premises.
Arrah-na- Pogue was writ by Dion O'Bourcicolt & Edward
McHouse. They rit it well. O'Bourcy has rit a cartload of
plays himself, the most of which is fust-rate.
I understand there is a large number of O' gen' linen of this
city who can rite better plays than O'Bourcy does, but some
how they don't seem to do it. When they do, 1 '11 take a Box
of them.
As I remarked to the Boy who squirted peppersass through a
tin dinner-horn at my trained Bear (which it caiised that fero-
shus animal to kick up his legs and howl dismal, which fond
mothers fell into swoons and children cride to go home because
fearin the Bear would leave his jungle and tear them from limb
to limb), and then excoosed himself (this Boy did) by sayin he
had done so while labourin under a attack of Moral Insanity
as I sed to that thrifty youth, " I allus incurridge geenyus,
whenever I see it."
It 's the same with Dan Bryant. I am informed there are
better Irish actors than he is, but somhow I 'm allus out of
town when they act. & so is other folks, which is what 's the
matter.
ACK THE 1. Glendalo by moonlite.
Irishmen with clubs.
This is in 1798, the year of your birth, Mr Editor.
VBOURCY'8 "AIIRAH-NA-POGUE." 325
It appears a patriotic person named McCool has bin raisin a
insurrection in the mountain districks, and is now goin to leave
the land of his nativity for a tower in France. Previsly to doin
so he picks the pockit of Mr Michael Feeny, a gov*ment detec-
tiv, which pleases the gallery very much indeed, and they joy-
fully remark, " hi, hi."
He meets also at this time a young woman who luvs him
dearer than life, and who is, of course, related to the goVment;
and jus as the gov'ment goes agin him she goes for him. This
is nat'ral, but not grateful. She sez, " And can it be so ? Ar,
tell me it is not so thusly as this thusness wouldst seem ! " or
words to that effeck.
He sez it isn't any other way, and they go off.
Irish moosic by the Band.
Mr McCool goes and gives the money to his foster-sister,
Miss Arrah Meelish, who is goin to shortly many Shaun, the
Lamp Post. Mac then alters his mind about goin over to
France, and thinks he'll go up-stairs and lie down in the straw.
This is in Arrah's cabin. Arrah says it 's all right, me darlint,
och hone, and shure, and other pop'lar remarks, and Mac goes
to his straw.
The weddin of Shaun and Arrah comes off.
Great excitement. Immense demonstration on the part of
the peasantry. Barn-door jigs, and rebelyus song by McHouse,
called " The Drinkin of the Gin." Ha, what is this ? Soldiers
cum in. Moosic by the band. " Arrah," sez the Major, " you
have those money." She sez, t( Oh no, I guess not." He sez,
tf Oh yes, I guess you have." " It is my own," sez she, and
exhibits it. " It is mine," says Mr Feeny, and identifies it.
Great confusion.
Coat is prodoosed from up-stairs.
" Whose coat is this? " sez the Major. " Is it the coat of a
young man secreted in this here cabin? "
I^ow this is rough on Shaun. His wife accoosed of theft, the
circumstances bein very much agin her, and also accoosed of
326 VBOUKCY'S " ARRAH-NA-POGUE."
havin a hansum young man hid in her house. But does this
bold young Hibernian forsake her? Not much, he don't. But
he takes it all on himself, sez he is the guilty wretch, and is
marcht off to prison.
This is a new idee. It is gin' rally the wife who suffers, in
the play, for her husband ; but here 's a noble young feller who
shuts both his eyes to the apparent sinfulness of his new young
wife, and takes her right square to his bosom. It was bootiful
to me, who love my wife, and believe in her, and would put on
my meetiii clothes and go to the gallus for her cheerfully, ruther
than believe she was capable of taking anybody's money but
mine. My marrid friends, listen to me : If you treat your
wives as tho' they were perfeck gentlemen if you show 'em
that you have entire confidence in them believe me, they will
be troo to you most always.
I was so pleased with this conduck of Shaun that I hollered
out, " Good boy ! Come and see me ! "
" Silence ! " sum people sed.
" Put him out ! " said a sweet-scented young man, with all
his new clothes on, and in company with a splendid waterfall,
"put this old fellow out ! "
" My young friend," said I, in a loud voice, " whose store do
do you sell tape in ? I might want to buy a yard before I go
hum."
Shaun is tried by a Military Commission. Colonel O'Grady,
although a member of the Commission, shows he sympathises
with Shaun, and twits Feeny, the Gov'ment witness, with being
a knock-kneed thief, &c., &c. Mr Stanton's grandfather was
Setfy of War in Ireland at that time, so this was entirely
proper.
Shaun is convicted and goes to jail. Hears Arrah singin
outside. Wants to see her a good deal. A lucky thought
strikes him ; he opens the window and gets out. Struggles
with ivy and things on the outside of the jail, and finally
reaches her just as Mr Feeny is about to dash a large wooden
AETEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. 327
stone onto his head. He throws Mr F. into the river. Pardon
arrives. Fond embraces. Tears of joy and kisses a la Pogue.
Everybody much happy.
Curtain falls.
This is a very hasty outline of a splendid play. Go and see
it. Yours, till then,
A. WARD.
VI.
AETEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS.
To HOME, April 1866
THE Finians conveened in our town the other night, and took
steps toord freein Ireland. They met into the Town Hall,, and
by the kind invite of my naber, Mr Mulrooney O'Shaughnessy,
whose ancestors at least must have Irish blood in their veins,
I went over.
You may not be awair, by the way, that I 've been a invalid
here to home for sev'ril weeks. And it 's all owin to my own
improodens. Not feelin like eating a full meal when the cars
stopt for dinner, in the South, where I lately was, I went into
a Resterater and et 20 hard biled eggs. I think they effected
my Liver.
My wife says. Po, po. She says I Ve got a splendid liver
for a man of my time of life. I Ve heard of men's livers grad-
ooally wastin' away till they hadn't none. It 's a dreadful
thing when a man's liver gives him the shake.
Two years ago comin this May, I had a 'tack of fever-'n-ager,
and by the advice of Miss Peasley (who continues single and
is correspondinly unhappy in the same ratio) I consulted a
Spiritooul mejum a writin' mejum. I got a letter from a cel'-
brated Injin chief, who writ me, accordin to the mejum, that
lie 'd been ded two hundred and seventeen (217) years, and
328 AETEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS.
liked it. He then said, let the Pale face drink sum yarb tea !
I drinkt it, and it really helpt me. I Ve writ to this talented
savige this time thro' the same mejum, but as yet I hain't got
any answer. Perhaps he 's in a spear where they hain't got
any postage stamps.
But thanks to careful nussin, I 'm improvin rapid.
The Town Hall was jam-full of people, mostly Irish citizens,
and the enthusiasm was immense. They cheer'd everybody and
everything. They cheer'd me.
" Hurroo for Ward ! Hurroo ! "
They was all good nabers of mine, and I ansered in a pleasant
voice, " All right, boys, all right. Mavoorneen, och hone, aroon,
Cooshla macree ! "
These Irish remarks bein' received with great applaus, I add-
ed, "Mushier! mushier!"
" Good ! good ! " cried Captain Spingler, who desires the
Irish vote for county clerk ; " that 's fas' rate."
" You see what I 'm drivin at, don't you, Cap? " I said.
Certainly."
" Well," I ansered, < I 'm very glad you do, becaus I don't."
This made the Finians larf, and they said, " Walk up onto
the speaker's platform, sir."
The speeches was red hot agin England, and hir iron heel,
and it was resolved to free Ireland at onct. But it was much
desirable before freein her that a large quantity of funds should
be raised. And, like the gen'rous souls as they was, funs was
lib'rally contribooted. Then arose a excitin discussion as to
which head center they should send 'em to O'Mahony or Mc-
Roberts. There was grate excitement over this, but it was
finally resolved to send half to one and half to 'tother.
Then Mr Finnigan rose and said, " We have here to-night
sum citizens of American birth, from whom we should be glad
to hear. It would fill our harts with speechless joy to hear
from a man whose name towers high in the zoological and wax-
figger world from whose pearly lips "
ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. 329
Says I, " Go slow, Finny, go slow."
" We wish to hear," continued Mr Finnigan, moderatin his
stile summut, " from our townsman, Mr Ward."
I beg'd to be declined, but it wan't no use. I rose amid a
perfeck uproar of applaus.
I said we hed convened there in a meetin, as I understood it,
or rather in a body, as it were, in ref 'rence to Ireland. If I
knew rny own hart, every one of us there, both grate and small,
had an impulse flowin in his boosum, " and consequentially," I
added, we " will stick to it similar and in accordance therewith,
as long as a spark of manhood, or the peple at large. That 's
the kind of man I be ! "
Squire Thaxter interrupted me. The Squire feels the wrongs
of Ireland deeply, on accounts of havin onct courted the wid-
der of a Irish gentleman who had lingered in a loathsum dunjin
in Dublin, placed there by a English tavern-keeper, who despot-
ically wanted him to pay for a quantity of chops and beer he
had consoom'd. Besides, the Squire wants to be re-elected
Justice of the Peace. "Mr Ward," he said, "you Ve bin
drinkin. You 're under the infloo'nce of licker, sir ! "
Says I, " Squire, not a drop of good licker has passed my lips
in fifteen years."
[Cries of (l Oh, here now, that won't do."]
" It is troo," I said. " Not a drop of good licker has passed
my lips in all that time. I don't let it pass 'em. I reach for
it while it 's goin by ! " says I. " Squire, harness me sum
more ! "
" I beg pardon," said the Squire, " for the remark ; you are
sober ; but what on airth are you drivin at ? "
" Yes ! " I said, " that 's just it. That 's what I 've bin axin
myself durin the entire evenin. What is this grate meetin
drivin at? What's all the grate Finian meetins drivin at all
over the country ?
a My Irish frens, you know me well enuff to know that I
didn't come here to disturb this meetin. Kobodv but a loafer
330 ARTEMUS WARD AtfONG THE FENIANS.
will disturb any kind of a meetin. And if you '11 notice it,
them as are up to this sort of thing, allers come to a bad end.
There was a young man I will not mention his name who
disturb'd my show in a certain town, two years ago, by makin
remarks disrespectful of my animals, accompanied by a allosan
to the front part of my hed, which, as you see, it is Bald
sayin, says this young man, ' You sandpaper it too much, but
you Ve got a beautiful head of hair in the back of your neck,
old man.' This made a few ignent and low-mindid persons
larf; but what was the fate of that young man? In less than
a month his aunt died and left him a farm in Oxford county,
Maine ! The human mind can pictur no grater misfortin than
this.
(t No, my Irish frens, I am here as your naber and fren. I
know you are honest in this Finian matter.
" But let us look at them Head Centers. Let us look at
them rip-roarin orators in New York, who Ve bin teariii round
for up'ards a year, swearin Ireland shall be free.
" There 's two parties O'McMahoneys and McO'Roberts.
One thinks the best way is to go over to Canarly and establish
a Irish Republic there, kindly permittin the Canadians to pay
the expenses of that sweet Boon ; and the other wants to sail
direck for Dublin Bay, where young McRoy and his fair young
bride went down and was drowiided, accordin to a ballad I onct
heard. But there 's one pint on which both sides agree that 's
the Funs. They 're willin, them chaps in New York, to receive
all the Funs you '11 send 'em. You send a puss to-night to
Mahony, and another puss to Roberts. Both will receive 'em.
You bet. And with, other pusses it will be sim'lar.
"I went into Mr Delmonico's * eatiu- house the other night,
and I saw my fren Mr Terence McFadden, who is a elekent ;m<l
enterprisin deputy Centre. He was sittiii at a table, eatin a
canvas-back duck. Poultry of that kind, as you know, is
* The first restaurant in New York, where the best entertainment for
the highest prices may be obtained. ED.
ARTEtfUS WARD A^fONG THE FENIANS. 331
rather high just now. I think about five dollars per Poult.
And a bottle of green seal stood before him.
" < How are you, Mr McFadden? ' I said.
" i Oh, Mr Ward ! I am miserable miserable ! The wrongs
we Irishmen suffer ! Oh, Ireland ! "Will a troo history of your
sufferins ever be written ? Must we be for ever ground under
by the iron heel of despotic Briton ? But, Mr Ward, won't you
eat sutliin ? '
" Well,' " I said, " ' if there 's another canvas-back and a
spare bottle of that green seal in the house, I wouldn't mind
jiniii you in bein ground under by Briton's iron heel.'
" ( Green turtle soup, first ? ' he said.
" ' Well, yes. If I 'm to share the wrongs of Ireland with
you, I don't care if do hav a bowl of soup. Put a bean into it,'
I said to the waiter. * It will remind me of my childhood days,
svhen we had 'em baked in conjunction with pork every -Sunday
tnornin, and then all went up to the village church, and had a
refreshin nap in the fam'ly pew.'
" Mr McFadden, who was sufferin so thurily for Ireland,
was of the Mahony wing. I 've no doubt that some ekally pa-
triotic member of the Roberts wing was sufferin in the same way
over to the Mason-Dory * eatiu-house.
" They say, feller citizens, soon you will see a Blow struck
for Irish liberty ! We hain't seen nothin but a Blow, so far
it 's bin all blow, and the blowers in New York won't git out
of Bellusses as long as our Irish frens in the rooral districks
send 'em money.
" Let the Green float above the red, if that '11 make it feel
any better, but don't you be the Green. Don't never go into
anything till you know whereabouts you 're goin to.
" This is a very good country here where you are. You Irish
hav enjoyed our boons, held your share in our offices, and you
certainly hav done you share of our votin. Then why this hulla-
* Another restaurant, only a trifle less famous and expensive than its
more celebrated rival. ED.
332 ART EMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS.
balloo about freein Ireland? You do your frens in Ireland a
great injoory, too ; because they b'lieve you 're comin sure enuff,
and they fly off the handle and git into jail. My Irish frens,
ponder these things a little. 'Zamine 'em closely, and above all
find out where the pusses go to."
I sot down. There was no applaws, but they listened to me
kindly. They know'd I was honest, however wrong I might be ;
and they know'd, too, that there was no peple on arth whose
generosity and gallantry I had a higher respect for than the
Irish, excep when the fly off the handle. So, my feller citizens,
let me toot my horn.
But Squire Thaxter put his hand onto my hed and said, in
a mournful tone of vois, " Mr Ward, your mind is failin.
Your intellect totters ! You are only about sixty years of age,
yet you will soon be a drivelin dotard, and hav no control over
yourself."
" I have no control over my arms now," I replied, drivin my
elbows suddenly into the Squire's stomack, which caused that
corpulent magistrate to fall vilently off the stage into the fid-
dlers' box, where he stuck his vener'ble hed into a base drum,
and stated " Murder " twice, in a very loud vois.
It was late when I got home. The children and my wife was
all abed. But a candle a candle made from taller of our own
raisin gleamed in Betsy's room; it gleamed for I ! All was
still. The sweet silver moon was a shinin bright, and the beau-
tiful stars was up to their usual doins ! I felt a sentymental
mood so gently ore me stealin, and I pawsed before Betsy's
winder, and sung, in a kind of op'ratic vois, as follers, improm-
too, to wit :
Wake, Bessy, wake,
My sweet galoot !
Rise up, fair lady,
While I touch my lute !
The winder I regret .to say that the winder went up with
a vi'lent crash, and a form robed in spotless white exclaimed,
ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. 333
" Cum into the "house, you old fool. To-morrer you '11 be goin
round complainin about your liver ! "
I sot up a spell by the kitchen fire readin Lewis Napoleon's
"Life of Julius Caesar." What a reckless old cuss he was!
Yit Lewis picturs him in glowin cullers. Caesar made it lively
for the boys in Gaul, didn't he ? He slewd one million of citi-
zens, male and female Gauls and Gaulusses and then he sold
another million of 'em into slavery. He continnered this cheer-
ful stile of thing for sum time, when one day he was 'sassinated
in Rome by sum high-toned Roman gen'lmen, led on by Mr
Brutus. When old Bruty inserted his knife into him, Caesar
admitted that he was gone up. His funeral was a great success,
the house bein crowded to its utmost capacity. Ten minutes
after the doors were opened, the Ushers had to put up cards on
which was printed, " Standin Room Only."
I went to bed at last. " And so," I said, " thou hast no ear
for sweet melody ? "
A silvery snore was my only answer.
BETSY SLEPT.
ARTEMUS WARD.
VII.
ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON.
[The following paper was contributed by Mr'Browne to Vanity Fair,
the New York Punch, which terminated its career during the late war.
Some of the allusions are, of course, to matters long 1 past ; but the old
fun and genuine humour of the showman are as enjoyable now as when
first written.]
WASHINGTON, April 17, 18C3.
MY wife stood before the lookin-glass, a fussin up her hair.
"What you doin, Betsy?" I inquired.
u Doin up my back hair," she replied.
334 ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON.
" Betsy," sed I, with a stern air, " Betsy, you 're too old to
think about such frivolities as back hair."
<f Too old? too old f " she screamed, " too old, you bald-heded
idiot ! You ain't got hair enuff onto your hed to make a decent
wig for a single-brested grasshopper ! "
The Rebook was severe, but merited. Hens4th I shall let
my wife's back hair alone. You heard me !
My little dawter is growin quite rapid, and begins to scroo-
tinize clothin, with young men inside of it, puthy clost. I ob-
sarve, too, that she twists pieces of paper round her hair at
nights, and won't let me put my arms round her any more for
fear I '11 muss her. " Your mother wasn't 'fraid I 'd muss her
when she was your age, my child," sed I one day, with a sly
twinkle into my dark bay eye.
" No," replied my little dawter, " she probly liked it."
You ain't going to fool female Young America much. You
may gamble on that.
But all this, which happened in Baldinsville a week ago,
hain't nothin to do with Washington, from whither I now
write you, hopin the items I hereby sends will be exceptable to
the Gin-Cocktail of America I mean the Punch thereof. [A
mild wittikism. A. W.]
"Washington, D. C.,* is the Capital of "our once happy
country " if I may be allowed to koin a frase ! The D. C.
stands for Desprit Cusses, a numerosity which abounds here,
the most of whom persess a Romantic pashun for gratooitous
drinks. And in this conjunction I will relate an incident. I
notist for several days a large Hearse standin in front of the
principal tavern on Pennsylvany Avenoo. " Can you tell me,
my fair Castillian," sed I this mornin, to a young Spaniard
from Tipperary, who was blackin boots in the washroom
" can you tell me what those Hearse is kept standin out there
for?"
" Well, you see our Bar bisness is great. You 've no idee
* District of Columbia. ED.
AETEXUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. 335
of the number of people who drink at our Bar durin a day.
You see those Hearse is necessary."
I saw.
Standin in front of the tarvuns of Pennsylvany Avenoo is a
lot of miserbul wretches, black, white and ring strickid, and
freckled with long whips in their hands, who frowns upon you
like the wulture upon the turtle-dove the minit you dismerge
from hotel. They own yonder four-wheeled startlin curiositys,
which were used years and years ago by the fust settlers of Vir-
ginny to carry live hogs to market in. The best carriage I saw
in the entire collection was used by Pockyhontas, sum two hun-
dred years ago, as a goat-pen. Becumin so used up that it,
couldn't hold goats, that fair and gentle savage put it up at auc-
tion. Subsekently it was used as a hospital for sick calves,
then as a hencoop, and finally it w^as put on wheels and is no^
doin duty as a hack.
I called on Secretary Welles, of the ]S"avy. You know he is
quite a mariner himself, havin once owned a Raft of logs on
the Connethycut liver. So I put on saler stile and hollered :
" Ahoy, shipmet ! Tip us yer grapplin irons ! "
" Yes, yes ! " he sed, nervously, " but mercy on us, don't be
so noisy."
" Ay, ay, my hearty ! But let me sing about how Jack
Stokes lost his gal :
' The reason why he couldn't gain her,
Was becoz he's drunken saler ! '
" That 's very good, indeed," said the Secky, " but this is
hardly the place to sing songs in, my frend."
" Let me \yrite the songs of a nashun," sed I, " and I don't
care a cuss who goes to the legislator ! But I ax your pardon
how 's things ? "
" Comfortable, I thank you. I have here." he added, " a copy
of the Middletown Weekly Clarion of February the 15, con-
tainin a report that there isn't much Union sentiment in South
Caroliny, but 1 hardly credit it."
336 ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON.
" Air you well, Mr Secky," sed I. i ' Is your liver all right ?
How's your koff?"
(l God bless me ! " sed the Secky, risin hastily and glarin
wildly at me, " what do you mean ? "
" Oh nothin partickler. Only it is one of the beauties of a
Republican form of gov'ment that a Cabnet offisser can pack up
his trunk and go home whenever he 's sick. Sure nothin don't
ail your liver ? " sed I, pokin him putty vilent in the stummick.
I called on Abe. He received me kindly. I handed him my
umbreller, and told him I 'd have a check for it if he pleased.
" That," sed he, " puts me. in mind of a little story. There was
a man out in our parts who was so mean that he took his wife's
coffin out of the back winder for fear he would rub the paint
off the doorway. Wall, about this time there was a man in a
adjacent town who had a green cotton umbreller."
"Did it fit him well? Was it custom made? Was he
measured for it ? "
" Measured for what ? " said Abe.
"The umbreller?"
" Wall, as I was sayin," continnerd the President, treatin
the interruption with apparent contempt, " this man sed he 'd
known that there umbreller ever since it was a parasol. Ha,
ha, ha ! "
"Yes," sed I, larfin in a respectful manner, " but what has
this man with the umbreller to do with the man who took his
wife's coffin out of the back winder ? "
t( To be sure," said Abe " what was it ? I must have got
two stories mixed together, which puts me in mind of another
lit "
" Never mind, Your Excellency. I called to congratulate
you on your career, which has been a honest and a good one
unscared and unmoved by Secesh in front of you and Abbolish
at the back of you each one of which is a little wuss than the
other if possible !
"Tell E. Stanton that his boldness, honesty, and vigger
ARTEMUS WAJRD IN WASHINGTON. 337
merits all prase, but to keep his under-garmints on. E. Stan-
ton has appeerently only one weakness, which it is, he can't
allus keep his under-garmints from flyin up over his hed. I
mean that he occasionally dances in a peck-measure, and he
don't look graceful at it."
I took my departer. " Good bye, old sweetness ! " sed Abe,
shakin me cordgully by the hand.
" Adoo, my Prahayrie flower ! " I replied, and made my exit.
" Twenty-five thousand dollars a year and found," I soliloquised,
as I walked down the street, " is putty good wages for a man
with a modist appytite, but I reckon that it is wuth it to run
the White House."
" What you bowt, sah ? What the debble you doin, sah ? "
It was the voice of an Afrikin Brother which thus spoke to
me. There was a cullud procession before me which was es-
cortin a elderly bald-hedded Afrikin to his home in Bates Alley.
This distinguished Afrikin Brother had just returned from
Lybery, and in turnin a corner puty suddent I hed stumbled
and placed my hed agin his stummick in a rather strengthy
manner.
" Do you wish to impede the progress of this procession,
sah?"
" Certainly not, by all means ! Procesh ! "
And they went on.
I 'm reconstructing my show. I Ve bo't a collection of life-
size wax figgers of our prominent Revolutionary forefathers. I
bo't 'em at auction, and got 'em cheap. They stand me about
two dollars and fifty cents (2 dols. 50 cents) per Revolutionary
forefather.
Ever as always yours,
A. WARD.
15
338 SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS.
VIII.
SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS.
THERE is some fun outside the Fair Ground. Any number of
mountebanks have pitched their tents there, and are exhibiting
all sorts of monstrosities to large and enthusiastic audiences.
There are some eloquent men among the showmen. Some of
them are Demosthenic. We looked around among them during
the last day we honoured the Fair with our brilliant presenc'e,
and were rather pleased at some things we heard and witnessed.
The man with the fat woman and the little woman and the
little man was there.
" 'Ere 's a show, now," said he, " worth seeing. 'Ere 's a en-
tertainment that improves the morals. P. T. Barnum you 've
all hearn o' him. "What did he say to me ? Sez he to me, sez
P. T. Barnum, c Sir, you have the all-firedest best show trav-
elin ! ' and all to be seen for the small sum of fifteen cents ! "
The man with the blue hog was there. Says he, " Gentle-
MEN, this beast can't turn round in a crockery grate ten feet
square, and is of a bright indigo blue. Over five hundred per-
sons have seen this wonderful BEING this mornin, and they said
as they come out, f What can these 'ere things be ? Is it alive ?
Doth it breathe and have a being ? Ah yes,' they say, ( it is true,
and we have saw a entertainment as we never saw afore. 'Tis
nature's [only fifteen cents 'ere 's your change, sir] own sub-
lime handiworks' and walk right in."
The man with the wild mare was there.
61 Now, then, my friends, is your time to see the gerratist
queeriosity in the livin' world a wild mare without no hair
captered on the roarin wild prahayries of the far distant West
by sixteen Injuns. Don't fail to see this gerrate exhibition.
Only fifteen cents. Don't go hum without seein the State Fair,
an' you won't see the State Fair without you see my show.
SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS. 339
Gerratist exhibition in the known world, an' all for the small
sum of fifteen cents."
Two gentlemen connected with the press here walked up and
asked the showman, in a still small voice, if he extended the
usual courtesies to editors. He said he did, and requested
them to go in. While they were in some sly dog told him their
names. When they came out the showman pretended to talk
with them, though he didn't say a word. They were evidently
in a hurry.
" There, gentleMEN, what do you think them gentlemen say ?
They air editors editors, gentleMEN Mr , of the Cleve-
land , and Mr , of the Detroit , and they
say it is the gerratist show they ever seed in their born
days ! "
[Nothing but the tip ends of the editors' coat-tails could be
seen when the showman concluded this speech. ]
A smart-looking chap was doing a brisk business with a
gambling contrivance. Seeing two policemen approach, he rap-
idly and ingeniously covered the dice up, mounted his table, and
shouted :
" Ere 's the only great show on the grounds ! The highly-
trained and performing Mud Turtle with nine heads and seven-
teen tails, captured in a well-fortified hencoop, after a desperate
struggle, in the lowlands of the Wabash ! "
The facetious wretch escaped.
A grave, ministerial-looking and elderly man in a white choker
had a gift-enterprise concern. " My friends," he solemnly said,
" you will observe that this jewellery is elegant indeed, but I can
afford to give it away, as I have a twin brother seven years older
than I am, in New York City, who steals it a great deal faster
than I can give it away. No blanks, my friends all prizes
and only fifty cents a chance. I don't make anything myself,
my friends all I get goes to aid a sick woman my aunt in the
country, gentlemen and besides I like to see folks enjoy them-
selves ! "
340 SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS.
The old scamp said all this with a perfectly grave counte-
nance.
The man with the " wonderful calf with five legs and a
huniing head," and "the philosophical lung-tester," were there.
Then there was the Flying Circus and any number of other in-
genious contrivances to relieve young ladies and gentlemen from
the rural districts of their spare change.
A young man was bitterly bewailing the loss of his watch,
which had been cut from his pocket by some thief.
" You ain't smart," said a middle-aged individual in a dingy
Kossuth hat with a feather in it, and who had a very you-can't-
fool-me look. " I 've been to the State Fair before, I want yer
to understan, and knows my bizniss aboard a propeller. Here 's
MY money," he exultingly cried, slapping his pantaloons' pocket.
About half an hour after this we saw this smart individual
rushing frantically around after a policeman. Somebody had
adroitly relieved him of HIS money. In his search for a police-
man he encountered the young who wasn't smart.
" Haw, haw, haw," violently laughed the latter ; "by G , I
thought you was smart I thought you 'd been to the State
Fair before."
The smart man looked sad for a moment, but a knowing
smile soon crossed his face, and drawing the young man who
wasn't smart confidentially towards him, said
*' There wasn't only fifteen cents in coppers in my pocket
my MONEY is in my boot they can't fool me I 'VE BEEN TO
THE STATE FAIR BEFORE ! ! "
THE NEGRO QUESTION. 341
IX.
THE NEGRO QUESTION.
I WAS sitting in the bar, quietly smokin a frugal pipe, when
two middle-aged and stern-looking females and a young and
pretty female suddenly entered the room. They were accompa-
nied by two umberellers and a negro gentleman.
" Do you feel for the down-trodden ? " said one of the fe-
males, a thin-faced and sharp-voiced person in green spectacles.
" Do I feel for it ? " ansered the lan'lord, in a puzzled voice
"do I feel for it?"
" Yes ; for the oppressed, the benighted ? "
" Inasmuch as to which ? " said the lan'lord.
"You see this man? " said the female, pintin her umbreller
at the negro gentleman.
" Yes, marm, I see him."
" Yes ! " said the female, raisin her voice to a exceedin high
pitch, " you see him, and he 's your brother I "
" No I' m darned if he is ! " said the lan'lord, hastily retreat-
ing to his beer-casks.
" And yours ! " shouted the excited female, addressing me.
"He is also your brother ! "
" No, I think not, marm," I pleasantly replied. " The near-
est we come to that colour in our family was the case of my
brother -John. He kad the janders for sev'ral years, but they
finally left him. I am happy to state that, at the present time,
he hasn't a solitary jander."
" Look at this man ! " screamed the female.
I looked at him. He was an able-bodied, well-dressed, com-
fortable-looking negro. He looked as though he might heave
three or four good meals a day into him without a murmur.
" Look at that down-trodden man ! " cried the female.
" Who trod on him ! " I inquired.
342 THE NEORO QUESTION.
" Villains ! despots ! "
" Well," said the lan'lord, "why don't you go to the willins
about it ? Why do you come here tellin us niggers is our
brothers, and brandishin your umbrellers round us like a lot
of lunytics ? You 're wuss than the sperrit-rappers ! "
" Have you," said middle-aged female No. 2, who was a
quieter sort of person, " have you no sentiment no poetry in
your soul no love for the beautiful ? Dost never go into the
green fields to cull the beautiful flowers ? "
" I not only never dost," said the landlord, in an angry
voice, but I '11 bet you five pound you can't bring a man as
dares say I durst."
" The little birds," continued the female, " dost not love to
gaze onto them ? "
" I would I were a bird, that I might fly to thou ! " I
humorously sung, casting a sweet glance at the pretty young
woman.
" Don't you look in that way at my dawter ! " said female
No. 1, in a violent voice; "you're old enough to be her
father."
"'Twas an innocent look, dear madam," I softly said.
" You behold in me an emblem of innocence and parity. In
fact, I start for Rome by the first train to-morrow to sit as a
model to a celebrated artist who is about to sculp a statue to
be called Sweet Innocence. Do you s'pose a sculper would
send for me for that purpose onless he knowd I was over-
flowing with innocency ? Don't make a error about me."
" It is my opinyii," said the leading female, " that you're a
scoffer and a wretch ! Your mind is in a wusser beclouded
state than the poor negroes' we are seeking to aid. You are a
groper in the dark cellar of sin. O sinful man !
* There is a sparkling fount,
Come, come, and drink.'
No : you will not come and drink."
TEE NEGRO QUESTION. 343
" Yes, he will," said the landlord, " if you'll treat. Jest try
him."
"As for you," said the enraged female to the landlord,
" you're a degraded bein, too low and wulgar to talk to."
" This is the sparklin fount for me, dear sister ! " cried the
lan'lord, drawin and drinkin a mug of beer. Having uttered
which goak, he gave a low runiblin larf, and relapsed into
silence.
" My colored fren," I said to the negro, kindly, " what is it
all about?"
He said they was trying to raise money to send missionaries
to the Southern States in America to preach to the vasi
numbers of negroes recently made free there. He said they
were without the gospel. They were without tracts.
I said, " My fren, this is a seris ma.tter. I admire you foi
trying to help the race to which you belong, and far be it from
me to say anything again carrying the gospel among the blacks
of the South. Let them go to them by all means. But I
happen to individually know that there are some thousands of
liberated blacks in the South who are starvin. I don't blame
anybody for this, but it is a very sad fact. Some are really
too ill to work, some can't get work to do, and others are too
foolish to see any necessity for workin. I was down there last
winter, and I observed that this class had plenty of preachin
for their souls, but skurce any vittles for their stummux.
Now, if it is proposed to send flour and bacon along with the
gospel, the idea is really a excellent one. If, on the t'other
hand, it is proposed to send preachin alone, all I can say is
that it's a hard case for the niggers. If you expect a colored
person to get deeply interested in a tract when his stummuck
is empty, you expect too much."
I gave the negro as much as I could afford, and the kind-
hearted lan'lord did the same. I said :
"Farewell, my colored fren, I wish you well, certainly.
You are now as free as the eagle. Be like him and soar.
344 ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH.
But don't attempt to convert a Ethiopian person while his
stummnck yearns for vittles. And you, ladies I hope you are
ready to help the poor and unfortunate at home, as you seem to
help the poor and unfortunate abroad."
When they had gone, the lan'lord said, (l Come into the gar-
den, Ward." And we went and culled some carrots for dinner.
X.
ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH.
[The following fragment from the pen of Artemua Ward was written
in the last days of his illness, and was found amongst the loose papers
on the table beside his bed. It contains the last written jests of the dy-
ing jester, and is illustrative of that strong spirit of humour which even
extreme exhaustion and the near approach of death itself could not
wholly destroy.
There is an anecdote related of Thomas Hood to the effect that when
he was just upon the point of dying, his friend, Mr. P. O. Ward, visited
him, and, to amuse him, related some of his adventures in the low parts
of the metropolis in his capacity as a sanitary commissioner. ' ' Pray
desist," said Hood; "your anecdotes give me the back-slum-dago."
The proximity of death could no more deprive poor Artemus of his
power to jest than it could Thomas Hood. When nothing else was left
him to joke upon, when he could no longer seek fun in the city streets,
or visit the Tower of London and call it " a sweet boon," his own shat-
tered self suggested a theme for jesting. He commenced this paper "On
Health." Tho purport of it, I believe, was to ridicule doctors generally ;
for Artemus was bitterly sarcastic on his medical attendants, and he had
some good reason for being so. A few weeks before he died a German
physician examined his throat with a laryngoscope, and told him that
nothing was the matter with him except a slight inflammation of the
larynx. Another physician told him that he had heart disease, and a
third assured him that he merely required his throat to be sponged two
or three times a day, and take a preparation of tortoiseshell for medi-
cine, to perfectly recover ! Every doctor made a different diagnosis, and
each had a different specific. One alone of the many physicians to whom
Artemus applied seemed to be fully aware that the poor patient was dy-
ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH. 345
ing of consumption in its most formidable form. Not merely phthisis,
but a cessation of functions and a wasting away of the organs most con-
cerned in the vital processes. Artemus saw how much the doctors were
at fault, and used to smile at them with a sadly scornful smile as they
left the sick-room. "I must write a paper," said he, ''about health
and doctors." The few paragraphs which follow are, I believe, all that
he wrote on the subject. Whether the matter became too serious to him
for further jesting, or whether his hand became too weak to hold the
pen, I cannot say. The article terminates as abruptly as did the life of
its gentle, kind, ill-fated author. E. P. H.]
OXTIL quite recent, I 've bin a helfchy individooal. I 'm near
60, and yit I Ve got a muskle into my arms which don't make
my fists resemble the tread of a canary bird when they fly out
and hit a man.
Only a few weeks ago I was exhibitin in East Skowhegan, in
a b'ildin which had forrn'ly bin ockepyied by a pugylist one of
them fellers which hits from the shoulder, and teaches the manly-
art of self-defens. And he cum and sed he was goin in free, in
consekence of previ'sly ockepyin sed b'ildin, with a large yeller
dog. I sed, " To be sure, sir, but not with those yeller dog."
He sed, " Oh, yes." I sed, Oh, no." He sed, " Do you want
to be ground to powder?" I sed, "Yes, I do, if there is a
powder-grindist handy." When he struck me a disgustin blow
in my left eye, which caused that concern to at once close for
repairs ; but he didn't hurt me any more. I went for him. I
went for him energet'cally. His parents lived near by, and I
will simply state that 15 ininits after I 'd gone for him, hisi
mother, seein the prostrate form of her son approachin the
house onto a shutter carrid by four men, run out doors, keer-
fully looked him over, and sed, " My son, you 've bin foolin
round a thrashin masheen. You went in at the end where they
put the grain in, come out with the straw, and then got up in
the thingumajig and let the bosses tred on you, didn't you, my
son ? "
You can jedge by this what a disagreeable person I am when
I 'm angry. *'
15*
346 A FRAGMENT.
But to resoom about helth. I cum of a helthy fam'ly.
The Wards has allus bin noted for helthiness.
The fust of my ancestors that I know anything about was
Abijah Ward and his wife, Abygil Ward, who came over with
the Pilgrims in the Mayflower. Most of the Pilgrims was sick
on the passige, but my ancestor wasn't. Even when the tem-
pist raged and the billers howled, he sold another Pilgrim a kag
of apple sass. The Pilgrim who bo't it was angry when he
found that under a few layers of sass the rest was sawdust, and
my ancestor sed he wouldn't hav b'leeved such wickedness could
exist, when he ascertained that the bill sed Pilgrim gave him
was onto a broken bank, and wasn't wuth the price of a glass
of new gin. It will be thus seen that my fust ancestor had a
commercial mind.
My ancestors has all bin helthy people, tho' their pursoots in
life has bin vari's.
*******
* * * * * * *
XI.
A FRAGMENT.
[Among the papers, letters, and miscellanea left on the table of poor
Ward was found the fragment which follows. Diligent search failed to
discover any beginning or end to it. The probability is that it consists
of part of a paper intended to describe a comic trip round England. To
write a comic itinerary of an English tour was one of the author's fa-
vourite ideas ; and another favourite one was to travel on the Continent
and compile a comic Murray's, Guide. No interest attaches to this mere
scrap other than that it exemplifies what the writer would have attempt-
ed had his life been longer.]
*******
AT North Berwick there was a maniacal stampede toward the
little house by the railside, where they sell such immense quan-
A FRAGMENT. 347
titles of sponge-cake, which is very sweet and very yellow, but
which lies rather more heavily on the stomach than raw turnips,
as I ascertained one day from actual experience. This is not
stated because I have any spite against this little house by the
railside. Their mince-pies are nobly made, and their apple-pies
are unsurpassed. Some years ago there used to be a very pretty
girl at this house, and one day, while I was struggling rapidly
with a piece of mince-pie, I was so unfortunate as to wink
slightly at her. The rash act was discovered by a yellow-haired
party, who stated that she was to be his wife ere long, and that
he " expected" he could lick any party who winked at her. A
cursory examination of his frame convinced me that he could
lick me with disgustin ease, so I told him it was a complaint of
the eyes. " They are both so," I added, " and they have been
so from infancy's hour. See here ! " And I commenced winking
in a frightful manner. I escaped, but it was inconvenient for
me for some time afterwards, because whenever I passed over
the road I naturally visited the refreshment house, and was
compelled to wink in a manner which took away the appetites
of other travellers, and one day caused a very old lady to state,
with her mouth full of sponge-cake, that she had cripples and
drunkards in her family, but, thanks to the heavens above, no
idiots without any control over their eyes, looking sternly at
me as she spoke.
That was years ago. Besides, the wink was a pure accident.
I trust that my unblemished character but I will not detain
you further with this sad affair.
*******
ARTEMUS WARD.
THE END.
University of California Berkeley
The Theodore H. Koundakjian
Collection
of American Humor
r