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 U C I A N, 
 
 FROMTHEGREEK, 
 By THOMAS FRANCKLIN, D. D. 
 
 Some time Greek Profellbr in the Univerfity of Cambridge. 
 VOL. I. 
 
 Tantum obtinet in dicendo gratlae, tantum in inveniendo fselicitatis, tantum in jocnndo lepofk, 
 in mordendo aceti ; fic titillat allufionibus, fie feria niigis, nugas feriis mifcet, fie ridens vera 
 dicit, vera dicendo ridet, fic hominum mores, aftedtus, ftudia, qiiafi penicillo depingit ; neque 
 legenda, fed plane fpeftanda oculis exponir, ut nulla comcedla, nulla fatyra cum hujus dialogis con- 
 ferri debeat, feu voluptatem fpeftes, feu fpecles utilitatem. Erasmus. 
 
 LONDON, 
 PRINTED FOR T. C A D E L L, IN THE STRAND. 
 
 M D C C L X X X.
 
 stack 
 Annex 
 
 I ) '-J 
 
 V. 
 
 THE RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 
 RICHARD RIGBY, Esq. 
 
 PAYMASTER GENERAL OF HIS MAJESTY'S FORCES, 
 
 MEMBER OF THE MOST HONOURABLE PRIVY COUNCIL, &c. 
 
 AS A SMALL BUT SINCERE TRIBUTE 
 
 OF ESTEEM AND GRATITUDE, 
 
 THIS TRANSLATION 
 IS HUMBLY DEDICATED^ 
 
 BY HIS MOST OBLIGED,' 
 
 AND OBEDIENT HUMBLE SERVANT, 
 
 Queen-Street, 
 May 15 th, 1780. 
 
 THOMAS FRANCKLIN.
 
 O N T H E 
 
 LIFE AND WRITINGS 
 
 OF 
 
 LUC I A N- 
 
 ADIALOGUE, 
 
 BETWEEN 
 
 LUCIA N, AND LORD *LYTTELTON, 
 In the ELYSIAN FIELDS. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 BY that fhambling gait, and length of carcafe, it mufl 
 be Lord Lyttelton coming this way. 
 
 LORDLYTTELTON. 
 
 And by that arch look and farcaftic fmile you are my 
 old friend Lucian, whom I have not feen this many a day. 
 Fontenelle and I have juft now been talking of you, and 
 the obligations we both had to our old mafter : I affure 
 you, there was hot a man in all antiquity, for whom, whilit 
 on earth, I had a greater regard than yourfelf. 
 
 LUCIAN. 
 
 Nor is there a modern writer whom I more efteem and 
 refpedt than the aniiable, the elegant, the moral, and vir- 
 tuous Lord Lyttelton. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 In this, though Lucian was never remarkable for 
 panegyric, I would fain think you fmcere : that I am 
 
 * Lord Lyttelton^ i^c.'\ Not the la ft Lord Lyttelton, but his illuftrious father, author 
 of Dialogues of the Dead, the Perfian Letters, &c. &c. 
 
 Vol. I. a myfelf
 
 11 
 
 On the life and 
 
 myfelf fo in what I have faid of you^ I have given you, 
 I think, in my life-time, fufficient proof by my Dialogues 
 of the Dead : thole who flatter a man may deceive, thofe 
 who court may betray; but thofe who take pains to imi- 
 tate, have certainly the higheft efteem for him. I endea- 
 voured to come as nearly to you as I could. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 And were, upon the whole, tolerably fuccefsful ; though, 
 \o fay the truth (and truth you know is always fpoken in 
 thefe regions), you are rather too grave to be quite Lu^ 
 cianicj too polite to be merry, and too wife to be very en- 
 tertaining. I fpeak with freedom on this head, and the 
 rather, becaufe your Dialogues, however ingenious, are but 
 an inconliderable part of that large property of literary 
 fame which you acquired, whereas they in reality make up 
 my whole eitate ; you can bear therefore better than my- 
 felf a little deductioiv from it. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 In point of humour and irony, I mufl acknowlege, I 
 have followed you, 
 
 Haud paffibus sequis. 
 
 There is a vein of eafe and pleafantry in your works which I 
 have always thought inimitable, nor do I know any author, 
 ancient or modern, that in this refpe61: can enter into compe- 
 tition with you ; and yet you are not half fo much read, at 
 leaft amongft us, as many much inferior writers : the true 
 value and admiration of Lucian will, after all, I am afraid, 
 in every age and nation, be confined to the judicious few, 
 who have a kind of claflic reverence for ancient ftory, and 
 an enthufiailic love of the fabulous and poetical : to thefe 
 his delicate fatire and refined humour will always give in- 
 expreflible pleafure.
 
 WRITINGS OF L U C I A N^. iii 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 But furely, my friend, general fatire, and true hviniour 
 (and thefe you are kind enough to grant me), Hand as fair 
 a chance of general approbation as any other fpecies of au- 
 thorial merit can entitle us to. 
 
 LORDLYTTELTON. ' 
 
 That, I grant you, is a fair fuppoiition, and might have 
 its eiFe(5t, were it equally true that delicate irony, like 
 your*s, were univerfally tafted and underftood ; but, as my 
 friend Triflram Shandy fays, "It is not in the power of 
 every man to tafte humour, however he may wifh it ; it 
 is the gift of God." 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Humour, I grant you, is the gift of heaven, and fo, 
 for aught I know, may be a tafte for it ; but you will take 
 this along with you, that whatever is poftefled by few is 
 always affe6led, and pretended to, by many : though not 
 one in a thoufand has a proper and adequate idea of true 
 humour, yet every one puts in a claim to it : few, there- 
 fore, would willingly be thought totally unacquainted with, 
 or difclaim all knowlege of and acquaintance with me ; ef- 
 pecially amongft you Engliflimen, of whom humour is 
 faid to be characSteriftic. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 It may be fo; but the unlearned have never yet feen 
 
 you in a good Englifh drefs, and our literati are too proud 
 
 or too idle to vifit you in your own: they accufe you, 
 
 befides, of certain faults, which it would ill become me to 
 
 mention. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 
 O pray, my Lord, be not fcrupulous in that point ; I 
 took the liberty but juft now to cenfurej'O^r works, and 
 
 ^ -7. vou
 
 IV 
 
 On the life and 
 
 you have a fair right to retahate on mine : let us hear what 
 your - Alexander's and Peregrinus' s have to urge againft me. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 To be plain with you then, my friend, they objeft that 
 in fome parts of your works there is fome degree of 
 oblcurity. 
 
 L U^C I A N. 
 
 Nothing, my Lord, fo obfcures an objedl as feeing it 
 through a bad medium, that both diftorts and difcolours 
 it ; place that, I befeech you, to the blunders of taftelefs and 
 ignorant tranfcribers, who have frequently adulterated my 
 llerling coin, and put their own bafe metal in its ftead ; have 
 often taken a great deal of pains to make me fpeak falfe 
 grammar, bad Greek, and nonfenfe not half fo agreeable as 
 my own ; and yet, my fenfe and meaning, in fpite of all their 
 interpolations, may in moft places, I believe, be fairly 
 made out by the context. But this is by no means the 
 worll: treatment vv'hich I have received. Tranflators, critics, 
 and commentators have united to injure, mifreprefent, and 
 difgrace me. I need not point out to your lordfliip the 
 dull, imperfe(fl, and unmeaning things which they have 
 imputed to me, and which I never wrote, though they are 
 to be met with in every edition of my works. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTONJ 
 
 In this, I own, you are to be pitied ; but to have more 
 literary crimes to anfwer for than you were ever guilty of 
 is what men of w^it and genius muft always expecft; you 
 have only to comfort yourfclf with this refledlion, that 
 readers of taile (and fuch only you would wiili to pleafe), can 
 tafily diftinguifli, by internal and indifputable marks, what 
 
 * Alexander's^ {ff^-.] The enemies of Luclan, whom he has f€^'e^ely falirized. See 
 the 1 laadation, vol. H. page i. ami vol. ii. p. 4^1.
 
 WRITINGS OF LUC IAN. v 
 
 is really your's from what is fallely afcribed to you. Can 
 any man in his fenfes fuppoie that the humorous author of 
 Simony 'Toxarisy and HennotimuSy could ever have thrown 
 away his time and talents in fuch fchool-boy declamations 
 as the I'yr ant-Killer y HannonideSy and the Difinherited 
 Son ; or that the avowed enemy of fuperfbition and hypo- 
 crify, would fo contradict himfelf as to enter into a leri- 
 ous defence of Judicial Alf rology ? 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 You have forgot the - lalf, though not the leafl of their 
 impofitions, the Ocypusy which they have been fo oblig-. 
 ing as to compliment me with ; this, as I believe I one- 
 day hinted to you, was written by a witlefs Sophiil, who, 
 encouraged by my fuccefs in the Trago-Podagra (one of my 
 bell performances), took upon him to imitate it in that 
 very dull and unentertaining after-piece. 
 
 But this is not all that I have to complain of; the fame 
 obliging gentlemen, who have attributed to me what I did 
 not write, have thought proper alfo to rob me of what I 
 really did: fome of them, on the wings not of love but of 
 hatred, have made no fcruple of flying away with my 
 t Halcyouy becaufe, forfooth, the bird is too grave for me, 
 *^ Vix credibile fit (fays one of them), Lucianum de deo- 
 rum vi et potentia tam re6le feniiffe, et tam magnifice lo- 
 cutum ;" it is impolTible that Lucian fliould think fo pro- 
 perly, or fpeak fo nobly of the power of the gods.'' 
 
 LORD LYTTE^TON. 
 
 This, indeed, my good friend, was rather hard upon 
 
 * The laJlJ] The Ocypus is the lafl: cf Lucian's tra(fls, and follows the Ttagopodagra 
 in Hemfterhufius's, and, I believe, every oiher edition. 
 
 f HaLyon.'] See p. 53 of the Tranllation. Dialoguni hunc (fays the commentator),. 
 inter apcrte nothos numeral Diogenes Lacrtius. 
 
 TOU :
 
 vi On the life and 
 
 you ; but, as our Englifli proverb fays, " give a clog an ill 
 name and hang him." You had fpoken, however, it muft 
 be acknowleged, jiretty freely of your Pagan deities ; fo 
 freely, indeed, that 1 have often wondered how you came 
 off with impunity, whilll you lailied with fo much poig- 
 nant fatire the eftabliflied religion of your country. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 I will tell you, my Lord, how that happened: at the 
 time when I wrote, three parts of thofe whom I wrote to 
 and converfed with were of the fame opinion with myfelf : 
 I had not only the laugh on my lide, but the majority alfo; 
 add to this, my Lord, that, with regard to matters of this 
 kind, if we ancients had not fo much zeal as you philofo- 
 phers of latter days, you muft allow that we had more 
 good-nature ; and, however we might differ amongft our- 
 felves in our religious fentiments, we did not, like you 
 Chriftians, cut one another's throats about them. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 Well obferved, my friend, and with your ufual afpe- 
 rity ; but I fhall foon return the compliment with another 
 accufation againft you in the court of criticifm, for repe- 
 tition and tautology. Some of our learned dodtors fay, you 
 frequently labour under a plethory of wit, a kind of over- 
 flowing of the fatiric gall, w^hich gives an ugly tinge to 
 your complexion ; when you get hold of game you run it 
 down till you are out of breath : your branches, to fay 
 the truth, are fometimes rather too luxuriant. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 
 My faults I fear are but too numerous, and fo, my 
 
 Lord, are the images you make ufe of to illuftrate them ; 
 
 the whole, however, amounts to no more than that I am 
 
 apt to be too entertaining, and, when I am in the merry 
 
 mood,
 
 WRITINGS OF LUCIA N. 
 
 vu 
 
 mood, know not where to flop. The plethora of wit, 
 and an over-flow of good fatire, I muft beg leave to ob- 
 ferve, are diforders which you moderns feldom labour 
 under : you Ihould, neverthelefs, have fome pity on thofe 
 who do. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 This may be wit, but it is not argument. And now, 
 my dear Lucian^ to be a little more ferious, I muft pro- 
 ceed to a heavier charge, and which you will not, I fear,, 
 fo eafily get over ; and that is, 
 
 Want of decency, 
 
 which, as my friend Pope well obferves, 
 
 is want of fenfe» 
 
 There are certain liberties, which all the wit in the world, or, 
 which is nearly the fame thing, all the wit and humour of 
 Luciariy can never palliate, or excufe. I could point out fome 
 paflages of this kind, but, at prefent 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 If any fuch there are, and fuch, perhaps, there may 
 be, I wifli, my lord, with all my heart, that they 
 had never been written. I guefs, indeed, at what you al- 
 lude to, and muft fairly confefs, I have loaded my "^ Afs's 
 panniers with a little too much fait : but, to fpeak in the 
 language of the t friend you juft now quoted, when we 
 get upon our hobby-horfe, (and then, you know, the afs 
 was mine,) there is no knowing what lengths he may carry 
 us. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 But this is not the only ride you have taken : what 
 
 * The JfsJ] See the tranflation, voL U. p. 125, 
 t The friend.] Triftram Sliandy. 
 
 think
 
 VI 11 
 
 On the life and 
 
 think you of the * Ef wT£f, which you cannot deny being 
 
 tlic author of ? 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 
 There, indeed, I Hand felf-convi6fed : but the age I 
 Uved in, and the manners of thofe Ucentious times, mull 
 mitigate my crime. The fubje<Sf of that httle tra6l was 
 then as common a topic of difcourfe, and thought as in- 
 nocent a one as it has fince been, and, perhaps, to this 
 day is, in modern Italy : but this, your lorddiip will fay, 
 is a poor plea in my favour. 
 
 LORD L Y T T E L T O N. 
 
 But an indifferent one, indeed : the grofliiefs and ob- 
 fcenitv, fo often to be met with, not only in your works, 
 but in many other ancient authors, is to me the more ex- 
 traordinary, as, whenever you chufe to throw a veil over 
 ideas of the loofer kind, ^inftances of • which might be 
 given in the piece I juft now mentioned,) you do it in a 
 manner more elegant than we generally find amongft the 
 charter writers of modern ages : how it has haj^pened, I 
 know not ; but we are certainly much more nice in this 
 point than yo/^ ufed to be. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 Which, by the by, my lord, is no irrefragable proof 
 that you are a whit more virtuous ; for, as our friend Vol- 
 taire has prettily obferved, *' la pudeur s'eft enfuie des 
 Cctjurs, et s'eft refugiee fur les levres :" he adds alfo, which, 
 I think, is going too far, in ftill ftronger terms, and lefs to 
 your credit, that '^ plus les Moeurs font depraves, plus les 
 exprefhons deviennent mefurces ; on croit regagner en Ian- 
 gage ce qu'on a perdu en vertu." 
 
 • Ep«T=f] Or, the Loves. This curious traft is omitted in the tranflation. 
 
 LORD
 
 WRITINGS OF LUCIA N. 
 
 IX 
 
 L O R D L Y T T E L T O N. 
 
 Yoli come off pretty well, as you generally do ; but, 
 now we are upon this head, let me a/k you one queftion : 
 did you write what are ufually called the Meretrician Dia- 
 logues, or Dialogues of the Harlots, which your enemies 
 have attributed to you ? I hope they are the produdlion of 
 
 fome other pen. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 
 By Hercules, every one of them : they were written, I 
 
 aflure you, by one of thofe pretenders to wifdom, whom 
 
 I fo feverely ridiculed ; on purpofe, I fuppofe, to bring 
 
 down my character upon a level with his own. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 This, indeed, was always my opinion ; for they are as 
 dull as they are lewd, as void of wit and humour as of 
 decency, and juft as entertaining as, would be a detail of 
 the converfation between abandoned courtefans in a mo- 
 dern brothel. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 They are fo. Apollo forbid I fliould ever have ftained 
 my papyrus with fuch ribaldry ! Upon the whole, my 
 lord, with all my loofenefs and immorality, if you will 
 needs judge from what I left behind me, I am not fo bad 
 as fome folks think me : fetting afide my writings, I could 
 appeal to my life^ which is the faireft teflimony, for my 
 real charadler. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON 
 
 Of that, as well as of your works, we have had various, 
 and even contradicftory accounts : never could I fit down 
 to read the dull hiftory of it in the balderdafli Latin of a 
 Dutch biographer. I fhould be infinitely obliged to you, 
 therefore, if, whilft we ramble acrofs this pleafant mea- 
 
 VoL. I. b dow,
 
 X On the life and 
 
 clow, you would indulge me with a little iketch of your 
 life from your own mouth. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 That I will, with all my heart. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 <* And brief, good Lucian, for I am in hafte." 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 
 Know, then, my dear lord, my family, I muft confefs, 
 none of the nobleft, was originally Grecian, and came 
 from Patra in Achaia, from which place, for fome pru- 
 dential reafons, not neceffary to be here mentioned, they 
 retired to Samofata, a city of Commagene in Syria, on the 
 Euphrates, which had the honour, for fo I know your 
 lordfhip will call it, of giving "^ birth to your friend 
 Lucian. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 And an honour it certainly was ; for who, but for this 
 fortunate circumftance to immortahze it, would ever have 
 heard of Samofata? as I do not remember to have read 
 that it ever produced any man of wit or genius except 
 yourfelf. I have often, indeed, wonder'd to find you, in 
 feveral parts of your works, mentioning, as if you were 
 proud of it, the place of your nativity. 
 
 LUCIAN. 
 
 I will tell you, my lord, why I did fo : becaufe I knew 
 my enemies, of whom I had always a fufficient number, 
 would certainly take notice of it, if I did not ; would have 
 talked perpetually of Syria, and thrown it in my teeth, 
 that I was not a Grecian, but a Barbarian. I was refolved, 
 
 * Birth-I Probably about the year 90. 
 
 there-
 
 WRITINGS OF L U C I A N. 
 
 XI 
 
 therefore, to be before-hand with them, and to let them 
 know, that a native of Samofata could write as well as the 
 beft of them. But, to refume my narrative. As my fa- 
 ther, who was a poor labouring man, had not an obolus to 
 fpare, my education in my younger years M'as, as you may 
 fuppofe, but indifferent ; and though [ had a very early 
 and ftrong propenfity to literature, could meet with very 
 few opportunities of improving it : I remained, confe- 
 quently, for a long time, totally ignorant. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 Under difadvantages like thefe, it is aflonifhing how 
 you could ever have attained to a ftyle fo pure, elegant, 
 and corredl; and, which is ftill more extraordinary, in a cor- 
 rupt and degenerate age, when tafte and genius wxre al- 
 mofl extindt, and fcarce any footfteps remained of true 
 Grecian perfe6lion in the w^orld of fcience and literature. 
 At fuch a period to emerge from the darknefs of fcholaftic 
 jargon, and fliine forth, as you did, in all the luftre of 
 claflic purity, was a lingular phcenomenon, and not ealily 
 
 to be accounted for. 
 
 L u c 1 A N. 
 
 If I have any merit as an author, which you feem par- 
 tial enough to fuppofe, I can attribute it to nothing but the 
 early habit which I had contracT:ed in my infancy of having 
 perpetually in my hands the works of fome of the beft an- 
 cient writers, Homer, Plato, Xenophon, and two or three 
 more ; thefe, when I was fent of errands by my father, I 
 ufed to beg, borrow, or fteal from fome of the great men 
 in our neighbourhood : thefe I devoured with the greateft 
 eagernefs, and to thefe I frankly own myfelf indebted for 
 all the fame w^hich I afterwards acquired. 
 
 The unfortunate adventure at my firft fetting out in life, 
 and the defperate quarrel with my uncle, I need not here 
 
 b 2 repeat
 
 xu 
 
 On the life and 
 
 repeat to you, as you are already acquainted with it by 
 the ■'•■ Dream which, I doubt not, you have often read. I Ihall 
 only, therefore, obferve to you, that, after the memorable 
 event there recorded, meeting with nothing at home but 
 hard words, and yet harder fare, I took the firft opportu- 
 nity to decamp ; packed up my little all, (little enough, 
 heaven knows, it was) and made the beft of my way to 
 Antioch : there, under the tuition of my illuftrious pa- 
 tronefs, having gained knowlege, or, at leaft, impudence 
 enough to become a profefTor, I fet up as teacher of 
 Rhetoric, which was the fafliionable accomplifliment of 
 thofe times, and, univerfally fought after and admired, 
 as it was the general opinion, that eloquence might be as 
 eafdy taught, and as readily acquired, as dancing, playing 
 on the flute, or any thing elfe which nature might, or 
 might not have any objedion to. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 That idea, abfurd as it is, was not confined to Antioch, 
 or the age you lived in, but extended to later times : our 
 witty and fenfible friend, lord t Chefterfield, entertained the 
 fame opinion, and has gravely aflerted that every man may 
 be an orator if he pleafes, provided he will take the pains 
 to make himfelf one : experience, however, in the per- 
 fon of his fon, convinced him of the contrary. But, pray 
 go on. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 There, then, I foon diltinguiflied myfelf, and got many 
 a hard-earned fefterce by beating eloquence into the heads 
 of the young nobility : by this, together with the aid of 
 writing exercifes and declamations, which were mucli in 
 
 * Tht DreamJ\ See Luclan's firft tra£t. 
 \ See the Letters to his Son. 
 
 vogue,
 
 WRITINGS OF I.UCIAN. xiii 
 
 vogue, I gained a tolerable livelihood. ••'" Some of them 
 are, perhaps, flill extant in my works. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 I thought you had alfo, either at Antioch or Macedon, 
 I know not which, another trade, and pra6lifed as a lawyer. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 
 I blulli to own it, my lord, but this I certainly did : the fcho- 
 laflic harangues which I had been long ufed to, and a habit 
 of defending both fides of the queftion, infenfibly quali- 
 fied me for a pleader at the bar. In this crooked path, full 
 of thorns and briars, I wandered for fome time, and dealt 
 in abufe, equivocation, and chicanery, with tolerable fuc- 
 cefs : a certain unavoidable fenfe, however, of right and 
 wrong, and fome qualms of confcience, which I could 
 never entirely get over, foon eftranged me from a profefiion 
 which might, perhaps, have turned out in the end very ad- 
 vantageous to me. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 Your opinion of the law, my good friend, we are not 
 now to learn ; you have given it us pretty freely in many 
 parts of your works : but, pray, what became of you 
 after you left Antioch ? for, if I am not miftaken, in the 
 early part of life, you were a great rambler, 
 
 L u c I A N,. 
 
 I was fo : the fuccefs which I met with in my two pro- 
 fellions of law and rhetoric, enabled me, in a few years,., 
 to gratify the ftrong pafiion which I always had for travel- 
 ling, and I accordingly, during the reigns of the Anto- 
 nines, took my route from Antioch into Ionia and Greece ; 
 fi'om thence I roved to Gaul and Italy, and returned, through 
 
 * Some of them.'] Of thefc notice is taken in the courfe of the tranflation. 
 
 Mace—
 
 XIV 
 
 On the life and 
 
 Macedonia, into my own country : this agreeable peregri- 
 nation was, as you may fuppofe, of infinite fervice to .me ; 
 (luring the courfe of it, I acquired a ftock of ufeful know- 
 lege, with regard to men and things, that laid the foun- 
 dation of all the little fliare of merit and of fame which 
 I could ever pretend to. 
 
 Tired, however, at laft, with repeated wanderings, I 
 fixed my habitation in the feat of empire, retired to the 
 groves of Academus, and, as I advanced in years, fought 
 for eafe and pleafure in the bofom of philofophy. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 Who, herfelf, if we are to credit your afTertions, was 
 not in a very eafy fituation ; being, at that time, hke your- 
 
 felf, rather on the decline. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 
 I endeavoured, however, to reltore her to her prifline 
 rank and dignity, and was, upon the whole, I believe, of 
 fome fervice to her. I had not, indeed, rank or fortime 
 enough properly to defend or fupport her, and was, more- 
 over, having now loft the pra6lice of both my profeffions, 
 finking apace into poverty and old age, when Providence 
 interfered in my favour, and put it into the head of an 
 honefl Emperor moft amply to provide for me ; the good 
 Marcus Aurelius took me into his houfe, made me his 
 friend and companion, and gave me the fuperintendency 
 of ^gypt, an honourable and lucrative employment. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 Which, I fuppofe, like the great penfioners of my time, 
 you performed the duty of by deputation, and made an 
 agreeable finecure of it. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 
 I did, and fpent the remainder of my days in eafe, plea- 
 fure, and feflivity, 
 
 LORD
 
 WRITINGS OF LUCIA N. 
 
 XV 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 Your life, if I have been rightly informed, was a pretty- 
 long one : but, pray, what, after all, put an end to it ? 
 for of this, as of many other things concerning you, we 
 have had various accounts. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 I know you have, ^^ Suidas has fet his dogs at me, and 
 worried me to death : another has charitably configned 
 me to hell flames, which, notwithflanding, I have hither- 
 to, as you fee, had the good fortune to efcape, and all 
 this, I believe, on account of a little tract called t Philo- 
 patris, which, between friends, I had no hand in; but 
 the real caufe of my death was, by Hercules, that rafcally 
 diforder, which had killed fo many honefl fellows before 
 me, even that opprobrium medicorujn the % Gout, whofe 
 attacks I feverely felt for many years, who at laft fnatched 
 me away in the prime of my life, and tranfported me, in 
 the ninetieth year of my age, from a wicked world to 
 thefe happy maniions, where I have now the pleafure of 
 converling with your Lordfhip. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 I thought, by your Tragopodagra, that y oil fpoke feel^- 
 ingly, and like one who had experienced the miferies^ 
 which you fo pathetically, as well as fo humoroully de- 
 fcribe; confidering, however, the length of your thread, 
 you have little reafon to complain of Atropos for cutting it 
 too foon; though there it was certainly no fmall degree of 
 
 * Suidas.^ Who calls Lucian an Atheift and Blafphemer, and tells us be was torn in- 
 pieces by dogs as be returned from a feafl. 
 
 f Phi/opatris.] See the Tranflation, vol. ii. p. 544. This tra£l, together with that 
 on the Death of Peregrinus, were both profcribed in the Romifli Index Expurgatorius, 
 during the Pontificate of Alexander VIL as not fit to be read by Chriftians. 
 
 X The gout.'} Podagra nonngenarius obiit, fays Bourdelotius. 
 
 ingratitude
 
 xvi On the life and 
 
 ingratitude in the lady, whom you had raifed to the rank 
 of a divinity, to kill the man who had fo exalted her. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 It was a return, indeed, which I little expe(5led, and 
 had I foreleen her conducft, I am inclined to think I fliould 
 never have made a goddefs of her. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 In good truth I believe not, I thank you, my friend, 
 
 for your little hijloriette^ and wifh with all my heart I 
 
 could * convey it to a friend of mine in the other world, 
 
 to whom, at this jun6lure, it would be of particular fer- 
 
 vice : I mean a bold adventurer, who has lately undertaken 
 
 to give a new and complete tranflation of all your works. 
 
 It is a noble defign, but an arduous one ; I own I tremble 
 
 for him. 
 
 L u c I A N. 
 
 I heard of it the other day from Goldfmith, who knew 
 the man. I think he may eaiily fucceed better in it than 
 any of his countrymen, who hitherto have made but mi- 
 ferable work with me ; nor do I make a much better ap- 
 pearance in my French habit, though that I know has been 
 admired. D'Ablancourt has made me fay a great many 
 things, fome good, fome bad, which I never thought of, 
 and, upon the whole, what he has done is more a para- 
 phrafe than a tranflation. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 AH the attempts to reprefent you, at le^ft in our lan- 
 guage, which I have yet feen, have failed, and all from the 
 fame caufe, by the tranflator's departing from the original, 
 and fubftituting his .own manners, phrafeology, expref- 
 
 * Convey."] How the tranflator came Into poflefllon of this Life of Lucian, and the 
 vrholc Dialogue, my readers may probably be informed at fome convenient opportunity. 
 
 fion,
 
 WRITINGS OF L U C I A N. xvii 
 
 fion, wit and humour, inftead of your's : nothing, as it has 
 been obferved by one of our beft critics, is fo grave as true 
 humour (and ahuoft every line of Lucian is a proof of it) ; 
 it never laughs itfelf, whilft it fets the table in a roar ; a 
 circumftance which thefe gentlemen feem all to have for- 
 gotten : inftead of thofe fet features, and ferious afpecft, 
 which you always wear when moft entertaining, they pre- 
 fent us for ever with a broad grin, and if you have the leaft 
 fmile upon your countenance, make you burft into a vul- 
 gar horfe-laugh : they are generally, indeed, fuch bad 
 painters, that the daubing would never be taken for you, 
 if they had not written Lucian under the picture. I hear- 
 tily wifli the Dodlor better luck. 
 
 LUCIAN. 
 
 And there is fome reafon to hope it : for I hear he has 
 taken pains about me, has ftudied my features well before 
 he fat down to trace them on the canvas, and done it, con 
 AMORE : if he brings out a good refemblance, I fhall ex- 
 cufe the want of grace and beauty in his piece. I affure you 
 I am not without pleafing expecftation ; efpecially as my 
 friend Sophocles, who, you know, fat to him fome time 
 ago, tells me, though he is no Praxiteles, he does not take 
 a bad likenefs. — But I muft be gone, for yonder comes Swift 
 and Rabelais, whom I have made a little party with this 
 morning : fo, my good Lord, fare you well. 
 
 LORD LYTTELTON. 
 
 And I muft meet my dear Lucy in the myrtle grove ; fo, 
 honeft Lucian, good morrow to you. 
 
 Vol. I. G AD-
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 AS a Complete Tranflation of Luclan was promifed in the Propofals, fomc 
 Apology may be thought ncccflary for the omiflion of the few fol- 
 lowins traits : viz. 
 
 't> 
 
 The * A/»»j (puvrisvTuv ; or, Judgment of the Vowels. 
 
 In this little piece Sigma, or the letter S, complains of the injury done 
 him by Tau, or T's, intruding himfelf into feveral words where he had no 
 right to appear ; that Thalatta, for inftance, is ufed inftead of Thalafla, 
 and fo forth. The fubjecl is treated with great humour, in the manner of 
 a judicial procefs, and in feme meafure refembles Addifon's petition of Who 
 and Whcih in the Spcvftator. But as the examples adduced are confined en- 
 tirely to the Greek language, it was impoffible to reprefent a proper idea 
 of it in a tranilation. 
 
 + Uboi th £v Trj TTDoa-oiyo^Eva-Bt vTona-izuTog; or, aMillake in Saluting a Friend. 
 
 Lucian had met one morning an old acquaintance, and inflead of faying 
 Xuipc, or. Good morrow, had made ufe of the word vyiocivi, or Farewel ! 
 This had probably brought on him the cenfure of fome fevere critics for 
 want of accuracy and precifion, which he endeavours in this piece to ex- 
 cufe, by obfcrving that the word Xaj^f was not only ufed by many authors 
 zi meeting but at /)jr/z«^ alfo, and the word 'TQ^tajvj indifferently on both oc- 
 cafions. He quotes at the fame time feveral paffages from poets and hif- 
 torians in his defence ; but as the fadt itfclf is, at this diftant period of 
 time, very uninterefling, and the whole of the tradt turns upon two words 
 in the Greek language, the precife fignification of which cannot be well 
 afcertained in our own, I have entirely omitted it. * 
 
 ♦ See vol. i. p. 82. of the original in the edition of Hemfterhufius, fotir voh. quarto, 
 f See vol. i. ib. edit. p. 724.
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. x'lx 
 
 * As^icpoivvi; ; or, Lexiphanes. 
 
 In this Dialogue, which in many parts of the original is very cbfcure, 
 Lucian is fuppofed to ridicule fome of his contemporaries, whofe writings 
 were fluffed with quaint and affcdled phrafes, obfokte words, and pompous 
 unmeaning expreflions, both in verfe and profe, examples of which are 
 given from their works. Gefner, one of the mofl learned commentators 
 on Lucian, obferves with regard to thefe examples, that " Fruflra fuerit fi 
 quis fperet, ea fic pofTe quacunque alia lingua reddi, ut quid audtor fibi 
 voluerit, aliquis Grzece non doftus adfequatur." That, it is impoffible fo to 
 tranflate this dialogue in any other language as to convey the author's mean- 
 ing to any but ihofe who well underfland Greek. 
 
 This, I hope, may be a fufhcient reafon for not fubmitting it to the 
 Englifh reader, 
 
 f 'E^ung ; or, the Loves, 
 
 My female readers will perhaps confider it as an injuflice to them that I 
 fliould pafs over untranflated, a tradt of Lucia n's which bears fo pretty a 
 name as the Loves, They will, however, I doubt not, readily excufe me, 
 when I inform them that this piece is nothing more than a difputc between 
 the fexes concerning fuperiority j but as this is a point which, at leafl in this 
 nation, has been long fince determined in favour of the ladies, it flands 
 in need of no farther difcuffion : the Dialogue is therefore, for this, as well 
 as fome other flill more material reafons, which will occur to thofe who are 
 acquainted with the original, entirely omitted, 
 
 J 'Etcci^ikoi AixXoyot ; or, the Dialogues of the Harlots. 
 
 Thefe Dialogues exhibit to us only fuch kind of converfation as we may 
 hear in the purlieus of Covent Garden ; lewd, dull, and infipid : befides, 
 that they were certainly not written by Lucian, and I am glad to find we 
 
 * See vol. il. ib. edit. p. 317. 
 
 * See vol, iii. ib. edit. p. 280, 
 
 f See vol. ii, ib. edir. p. 597, 
 
 have
 
 Oii 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 have his * own word for it. I leave them therefore to be tranflated by 
 the author of the Eflay on Woman, the Meretriciad, or any other gentle- 
 man of that clafs, and in the mean time can alTLire my readers, that they 
 will lofe nothing by the omiffion of them. • 
 
 -f Ysv^oa-op^Yig e toXoiycigiiq ; Pfeudofophifl:a, or Solaecifla. 
 
 This is a Dialogue between Lucian and a man who makes or repeats fo- 
 lecifms. 
 
 It is impoffible, except by chance, to render a Greek folecifm by an 
 Englilh one, that fhall entirely correfpond with it. I have not tranflated 
 this Dialogue, therefore, for the fame reafon that I offered for not tranflating 
 the Lexiphanes, and which, I hope, may pafs for a good one, viz. that it 
 is untraiijlatable. 
 
 njcvTTiii'j or, Ocypus. 
 
 This Dialogue, :|: Lucian has informed us, is none of his, being only a 
 dull and aukward imitation of the Tragopodagra, which wants no foil to 
 fet it off. I could never, therefore, perfuade myfelfto take the unnecefTary 
 trouble of tranflating it. 
 
 Befides thefe, two or three indelicate pafTages are omitted, which the rea- 
 der will find taken notice of in the courfe of the work. The refl of Lucian 
 is faithfully tranflated in the following pages, and fubmitted, with all defe- 
 rence, to the judgment of the public. 
 
 • See the Life of Lucian, p. ix. f See vol. iil. ib. edit. p. ^52. 
 
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 THE 
 
 DREAM. 
 
 This Dream is very properly placed, in every edition, at the beginning o/Lucian*s 
 works, as it gives us fome little injight into his charaBer and fituation in life. It 
 was apparently deftgned as a humorous kind of parody on the celebrated C\\q\cq 
 of Hercules, which we meet with in the Memorabilia of Xenophon. Some 
 of our author's dull commentators have likewife thought fit to call it Bioj A»x»avK, 
 or, the Life of Lucian, though it contains but oneftngle circumfiance of it, viz. that 
 of his early preference of learning and the polite arts, to a profejjion which his father 
 had originally defigned him for ; a circumfiance, however, very interefiing to his 
 readers, as it is to that alone we are, probably, indebted for all the valuable remains 
 of this lively and entertaining zvriter, 
 
 AT the time when I was leaving fchool, and rifing towards manhood, 
 my father confulted with his friends what profeffion he Ihould bring 
 me up to; moft of them feemed to think that an application to 
 letters would be a work of time, attended befides with great labour and 
 expence, and, in Ihort, only fit for fuch as were poflefTed of a fplendid for- 
 tune ; that my abilities, moreover, were but very moderate, and would fland 
 in need of immediate afiiftance and fupport; whereas if I turned mechanic 
 I might get fomething by my trade, not live idly at home upon my father, 
 but in a little time be able to repay him for the expence of my education. 
 The next queftion, therefore, was, which trade was the befl, the moft 
 cheaply and ealily learned, the moft liberal, and that would bring in the^ 
 fureft profit ; they all then gave their opinions; one preferring one, another 
 another, according to their judgment or experience: when my father, looking 
 ftedfaftly on my uncle, who was then prefent, one of the beft * ftatuaries of 
 
 * Statuaries] £5^*07X1;^?, literally tranflated, is a carver of Mercuries. Mercury was fuch a 
 favourite deity amongft the ancients, probably becaufe he was both a thief and a pimp (cha- 
 racters always in fafhion), that the principal bufinefs of a fculptor was to make reprefentations 
 of him ; infomuch that Statuary and Mercury-maker were, according to Lucian, fynonymous 
 terms : there was a time, we know, when the carvers were very curious in the choice of their 
 ;naterials for him ; according to the old adage. Ex c^uovis ligno non fit Mercurius, 
 
 Vol. I. B his
 
 ^ T H E D R E A M. 
 
 his time, Whllft you are here, fays he, wc ought by no means to prefer any 
 art to yo'urs ; take him, therefore, along with you, and make a good fculptor 
 of him ; he will do very well, for you know he has a natural turn and genius 
 for it. This my father imagined from having feen fome little things I made 
 out of wax, when, after fchool-time, I ufcd to divert myfelf with modelling 
 horfes, oxen, and fometimcs men, which he feemed mightily pleafed at, and 
 for which, by the bye, I was often whipped by my fchool-maftcr. My fa- 
 ther's friends, however, took this opportunity of exciting my ambition; and 
 all conceived, from this natural propenfity to the art, that 1 Ihould foon ac- 
 quire the perfcd knowlege of it; no time, it was determined, could be more 
 proper to enter upon it than the prefcnt, and I was accordingly delivered over 
 to my uncle, to which I had not then the leaft objection : I confidered it as 
 a kind of agreeable amufement to be able to gain fome reputation in 
 the world, and at the fame time to oblige my friends by carrying out images 
 of gods or men, to adorn their houfes, or my own ; a cuftom, I knew, always 
 pradifed by young beginners. My uncle took me home with him, and gave 
 me a piece of marble, bidding me run over it gently with my tool, and 
 repeating at the fame time the old adage of " * a good beginning is half 
 " the work." I knew little of the matter, and prcffing too hard on the 
 marble, broke it in pieces. My uncle jflew into a violent pafTion, and tak- 
 ing up a fwitch that happened to lay near him, with no great tendcrnefs 
 fell upon, and belaboured me pretty handfomely, by way of f initiating me 
 into the art. Thus were tears the firft fruits of my profefTion. I ran away 
 home as faft as I could, crying and bawling, fhewed the marks of the 
 fwitch upon my fleih, reprefented the barbarity of my uncle; and, more- 
 over, took care to infinuate that he did it merely through envy, and for 
 fear 1 (hould excel him in his art. My mother refented it highly, and railed 
 
 * J ^oodlcglnnlng, fe'f.] Lucian attributes this faying to Hefiod, in whofe Vi^orks, however, 
 it is not at prefent, 1 believe, to be found. We meet with it in Plato, Ariftotle, Dionyfiua 
 of ?IaJicarnaffjs, and fome other Greek writers. Horace has adopted it in his 
 
 Diniidium fa6li qui ccpit habet. 
 There is likewife a proverb of our own which benrs fome fimilitude to it : ** A good beginning 
 «' makes a good ending;" but this is not the exaft fenfe of the Greek, I have therefore Hot 
 ventured to adopt it. Ovid has nearly the fame fentimcnt, 
 Fac tantum incipias, fponte difertus eris. 
 ■j- Inhlatnigmc, \£c.'\ The Greek word is ver)' llrong and expreflive, fignlfying the rites per- 
 formed at facrifices juit before the vidim was {lain. 
 
 at
 
 THE DREAM. 3 
 
 at her brother for his cruel treatment : I went to bed In great afHidlion, full 
 of gloomy thoughts, and at lalt fell afleep. What I have already told you 
 is childifli and ridiculous, but I fliall now acquaint you with fomething 
 more worthy of your attention ; for, to fpeak in the language of Homer, 
 
 , * As I flumber'd in the fliades of night, 
 
 A dream divine appear'd before my fight, 
 
 fo clear and plain, as to have all the appearance of truth. Even at this 
 diftance of time, what I faw is adlually before my eyes ; and every thing I 
 heard, ftill founding in my ears ; fo powerful was the efFeft it had upon me. 
 Two women, methought, laid violent hands on me, each dragging me with 
 all her force towards them, as if they would tear me in pieces ; they ftrug- 
 gled hard ; one of them got the better, and held me fafl for a little time, 
 and then the other. They both made a great roife, one crying out that 
 flie would have her own ; the other, that fhe had no right to that which 
 belonged to her only. One of them had a mafculine air, like fome work' 
 ing perfon, with hard hands, and dirty hair, covered with dufl, as my 
 uncle ufed to be when he was polifhing marble ; the other had a beautiful 
 face, a modeft appearance, and was dreffed in a neat and becoming garb. 
 At length they agreed to fubmit the affair to my decifion, and the firll of 
 them thus addreffed me ; " Know, my dear child, that I am Sculpture, that 
 art which you yefterday began to learn, no flranger to yourfelf, and well 
 known to your family; your grandfather (and named his name) was a lia- 
 tuary, and fo were both your uncles alfo, whom I rendered illuflrious ; if 
 therefore you will leave that idle trade which Ihe (pointing to the other) 
 would fain teach you, to follow and live with me ; by being brought up 
 to toil and labour you will grow ftrong and robuft, and will live free from 
 the attacks of malice and envy : you need not leave your country and your 
 friends to go into foreign parts, nor fliall you gain a reputation by mere 
 words alone. Defpife not my external appearance, or this mean and fordid 
 habit; thus was the great -f Phidias clad, fo famous for his flatue of Jove, 
 and Polycletus, no lefs celebrated for his Juno ; Myro and Praxiteles are 
 
 * See Homer's Iliad, book ii. ver. 71, Pope's tranflation. 
 
 ■f Phidias, i^c.'] The ftatue of Jupiter Olympius, by Phidias, Is celebrated by alinofl all 
 the beft Greek writers as the chef-d'oeuvre of antiquity; great encomiums are likewife bellowed 
 fax Polycletus's Juno, the famous cow by Myro, and the Venus of Praxiteles. 
 
 B 2 univerfally
 
 ^ T II E D R E A M. 
 
 nniverfally admired, and * even adored, together with the deities whoni 
 they reprefented ; and (hall not you, when one of them, inherit the fame 
 praife and adoration from all men ? You will make your father happy, and 
 immortalize your country." Thus, uncouthly, and with a barbarous accent, 
 did Sculpture addrefs me, adding many other things to the fame purpofe, in 
 order to feduce me ; but 1 have forgot half what ihe faid : when fhe had 
 finlfhcd the other began, pretty nearly in thefe words, " I, my fon, am 
 Eloquence, not unknown to, though at prefent not fully pofTefled by you ; 
 what advantages you will reap by turning ftatuary Ihe has already told you: 
 to be nothing but a low mechanic, living on the work of your hands, and 
 confining all your hopes and defires to that alone; getting a mean and 
 fcanty maintenance in obfcurity, poor and dcjedted, neither ferviceablc to 
 your friends, nor formidable to your enemies, neither courted nor envied 
 by your fellow-citizens ; a low plebeian, always, like the timid hare, in 
 dread of your fnperiors, and looking up with adoration to the great and 
 eloquent above you, on whom you muft depend for fupport : lliould }ou 
 even produce the nobleft works, and become a Phidias or Polycletus, all 
 men will admire your ikill, but not one, whilft they are in their fenfes, will 
 wifh to change conditions with you ; for, after all, you will be confidered as 
 a vulgar mechanic, J who lives by the labour of his hands. Whilft, on the 
 other hand, if you follow me, I will flievv you all the wonderful works of 
 antiquity, illuftrate and explain to you the maxims of the fages, and adorn 
 your mind, that bell and nobleft part of you, with modefty, juftice, piety, 
 gentlenefs, prudence, fortitude, the love of virtue, and a thirft after every 
 thing that is praife-worthy ; thefe are the unperilhable embelliftimentsof the 
 human foul. Nothing that is paft ftiall lay hidden from thee, in what is 
 prefent and to be done 1 will inftrudt thee; every thing divine or human 
 fhall foon be known unto thee : thou who art now poor and unknown, the 
 fon of an obfcure and indigent father, going to embrace a mean and illiberal 
 profcffion, Ihalt foon be the envy and admiration of all men, crowned with 
 glory and honour, praifed and careftfed by the rich and great, clothed in 
 fuch a garment as this, and (fliewing her own fplendid veft) thou fhalt be 
 
 * AJored, te'c] See Cicero's firft book of Tufculan Qneftions. 
 
 X Lfves hy the lahoiir, lyc.l The word in the original is remarkable, and could not be tranf- 
 latcQ literally, ;>i£i/;«w|, dominus five rex manuum, one who is mafter of nothing but his 
 hands. 
 
 placed
 
 T H E D R E A M. 5 
 
 placed in the fird feat, adorned with, and ralfed to rank and precedency. 
 If thou travelled, even in foreign countries thou fhalt not live unknown or 
 inglorious; fori will render thee fo illuftrious, that whofoever beholds 
 thee Ihall point thee out to his neighbour, and fay, * " that is he." In 
 aught that is of moment or concern, either to thy friends or country, the 
 eyes of all fhall be turned on thee ; when thou fpeakeft they fliall liftcn with 
 eagernefs and attention, admiring the power of thy eloquence, and envying 
 thy father's felicity in having fuch a fon as thou art. Men, thou knoweft, 
 have been raifed to gods, and on thee will I confer immortality; for when 
 thou departed out of this life, thou fhalt flill converfe only with the great 
 and good. Think on Demollhenes, whofe fon he was, and to what emi- 
 nence I advanced him. Think on f -^fchines, whofe mother was a player 
 on the timbrel ; by my affiftance how was he courted by the great Philip I 
 1 Socrates himfclf, bred up by a ftatuary, turned his mind to other 
 things ; he quitted his profeffion, and came to me ; and is not he the theme 
 of every fong ? Would you then leave fuch men as thefe ; would you leave 
 honour, wealth, fame, and power, fplendor, rank, and title, all the glory 
 which eloquence Ihall bring, to put on a mean and fordid garb, to handle 
 tools, faws, and hammers, and ftoop to mean and abjed labour; to think 
 on nothing manly, liberal, or great, but merely to fee that your work is 
 finifhed, taking no care to keep your perfon neat and clean, but being ever 
 as dirty and contemptible as the flones you are carving?" 
 
 Scarce had Ihe faid this, when not permitting her to go on, I role up, and 
 leaving the ugly mechanic, flew with rapture to nry fair patronefs. 
 Eloquence : doubtlefs with the greater joy, from my remembrance of the blows 
 which I had received the day before. She whom I had deferted feemed 
 at firft enraged at me, doubled her fifts, and gnaftied with her teeth, till at 
 length, like Niobeof old, Ihe became fliff, and, wonderful to relate, was 
 turned into a block of marble. If this fhould feem incredible, I defire 
 notwithftanding that you will believe it, for dreams are always miraculous. 
 
 * Ti6<5r//j >6f,] Diglto monftrari & dicier: hie efY. Pcrf. fat. i, 
 Muneris hoc tui eft 
 Quod monfiror digito przetereuntium, Hor. fib. iv. oJ. 3. 
 ■f- JE/cbi'ftes,] A great orator, and rival of Demofihenes, whofe Philippics fo ftung the power- 
 ful invader of the liberties of Greece, that he applied to jEfchines to anfwer them. See ^Elian. 
 i Socrafes,] As Diogenes Laertius informs us, was the fon of Sophronifcus, a Itatuary, and 
 Phanarete, a midwife. 
 
 The
 
 5 T H E D R E A M. 
 
 The other, then, fixing her eyes on me, {liid, " You have determined aright, 
 and I will recompenle you for it; approach, therefore, and afcend this chariot, 
 (pointing to one drawn by winged horfes, like Pegafus), and fee what you 
 would have loll if you had not followed me." As foon as I got up, fhe took 
 the reins and drove. I was lifted up on high, and carried from ea'ft to weft, 
 beholding, as I paffed along, various nations, kingdoms, and people, like 
 * Triptolemus, fcattering his feed over the earth, f What It was I dropped 
 upon them myfelf I cannot remember; 1 only know, that wherever I went, 
 men looked up to and addrefled me like a deity with prayers and praifes. 
 AVhen ihe had ihewed me thefe things flie brought me back, not clothed 
 as when I fct out, but in an elegant and fplendid garb, which llie took care 
 to fliew to my father, who ftood waiting for my return, not without hinting 
 to him how mean and unworthy a profelTion he and his friends had con- 
 jdemncd me to. Such, I remember, was the dream which I had when a boy, 
 terrified as I was by the blows I had juft received. But whilft I am relating 
 it, methinks I hear feme one crying our, O Hercules, what a tedious JU' 
 dicial dream is this ! A winter's one, fays another, when the nights are 
 longeft, or rather perhaps as long as f Hercules's three nights together. 
 What docs he mean by trifling fo with us, and talking of his boyifli dreams -, 
 docs he think we have nothing to do but to be his interpreter ? Such frigid 
 fpeeches as thefe arc always ridiculous. Bur, foft and fair, my good friends ; 
 § Xenophon was not of that opinion, when he told you what he dreamed at 
 home and elfewhere ; he defigned it not merely as an idle fidtlon, to divert 
 you, as you may fuppofe. by his doing it in the time of war, at a dangerous 
 crifis, and even furrounded by enemies, but becaufe he thought the relation 
 
 • Like Triptolemus,'] Triptolemus, kingof Eleufis, is faid to have fiifi: brought into Greece 
 the worfliip of Ceres, who, in return tor his civilities, equipped him with a fine chariot drawn 
 by two dragons, in which he drove round the world, and as he flew along fcattered feeds upon 
 the eurtb. The invention of the plough is likewife afcribed to him. The foundation of this 
 flory is probably no more than that Triptolemus was one ol the firft who praflifed huftandry, 
 and perhaps wrote fome books concerning it, which were tranfported into foreign countries in a 
 ftip called the Dragon. 
 
 -j- What it ivas, l^c.} Though Lucian modeftly pretends not to know, his readers, however, 
 can tell what it was he dropped on this occafion, viz. a large quantity of good fenfe, wit, and 
 humour, which are fcattered throughout his works. 
 
 X Hercules's, i^c. ] Jupiter is faid to have fpent three nights with Alcmena when he begat Her- 
 cules. Thefe three nights Lucian humouroufly calls Hercules's dream. 
 
 § Xenophon, iz c] In the two dreams of Xenophon, as related in the third and fourth books 
 of his Anabafis, or Retreat of the Ten Thoufand. 
 
 of
 
 T H E D R E^ A M. 7 
 
 of it might be ufeful to mankind. And for the * fame reafon I have told you 
 my dream, that by it I might perfuade our young men to the ftudy of li- 
 terature ; more efpecially if any of them, induced by poverty, lliould be 
 inclined to throw away good parts and genius, and embrace fome mean and 
 illiberal profeffion ; whoever they may be, I am fatisfied they would change 
 their refolution when they heard this difcourfe, and would follow my example, 
 when they reflefted on what I was, when, turning my mind to better things, 
 I applied to literature, without regard to the narrownefs of my circum- 
 flances, and confidering what I am, as I now appear before you, at leafl 
 preferable, if nothing more, to a flatuary. 
 
 * For the fame reafon, IfSc ] That is, Xenophon did not tell his dream to the officers about 
 him merely to entertain and divert them ; it was not a fiction, (which is the bell: lenfe we caa 
 put on the word t/Troxfiai;"! but a real vilion ; he was in earnell, and fo am I ; his dream was at- 
 tended with the be ft confequences, and fo I hope will mine; his favedthe army, and mine per- 
 haps may fave many a young man from throwing away his time and talents on views much be- 
 beneath him ! — This is Lucian's meaning in his aliufion to Xenophon, which does iiot fo well 
 appear at lirft reading ; the Greek is in this place rather obfcure. 
 
 P R O M E-
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 At the time zvhen this Epistle (for fuch it appears to be) was written ^ the Din- 
 logues o/LuciAN hav.ng, we may fuppofc^ engaged the general attention y a certain 
 fupercilious critic, who it feems was a lawyer , partly perhaps from refentment of 
 Lucian's having quitted the har^ abufedy and, amongft other r flexions, had called 
 him Fkouetheus, probably confidering that fpecies of dialogue , for which he was 
 fo eminently diftinguifJjed, as a hind of cresit'ion of his own. This anfzver, abound- 
 ing in agreeable and playful raillery, contains a defence of that manner of writing 
 which Luc IAN had adopted, andmayferve to convince my readers that this univerfal 
 genius, ifoccqfion had called forth his talents in that way, would have made aa 
 inconjider able figure as a controverfial writer. 
 
 I SHOULD be glad to know, my good friend, why you call me Pro- 
 metheus. If by this you mean that my works are dirty, I acknowlege 
 the fimilitude, and have no objection to the title of a modeller in clay, 
 even though my ftufFfliould be the worft I could pick up, the very mud of 
 the highway ; but if you really compared them for their excellency with the 
 performances of that mofl learned Titan, I fhall look upon your praife as 
 ironical, and nothing but an Attic fneer : for what, indeed, have I to boafl: of 
 that is fo mighty ingenious ? What great wifdom or knovvlege is there in my 
 writings ? It is fufficient for me if you efteem them as not quite earthy and 
 fordid, nor as fuch condemn them to Caucafus. With how much more 
 juHice might I compare you to Prometheus, you famous gentlemen of the 
 law, who wage eternal war with truth ; how full of life and fpirit are your 
 works ! fo animated that they feem all on fire : performances truly Prome- 
 thean, fave that your images are made of gold inftead of clay. We, who 
 work for the vulgar, only make plaifter ftatues for a public fpedtaclc, 
 and puppets of clay, as other potters do; but they have no morion like 
 yours, no reprefentation of life, a mere fport, and childilh diverfion : fome- 
 times it occurs to me that you call me Prometheus, as the * comic poet 
 did Cleon, " a -f perfeft Prometheus (fays he) is Cleon, after the 
 
 * The comic poet^"] Moft probably Ariftophanes, whom our author frequently quotes, though 
 the paflage alluded to is not to be found In any of that author's comedies now extant. 
 
 t yl pcrfcH Fromctkcus^'] That is, Cleon was a mighty clever fellow, as atftive and ingenious 
 as Prometheus, and who (hewed ^reat abilities, like him, when there was no occalion to exert 
 them. 
 
 bufinefs
 
 PROMETHEUS. 9 
 
 " bufinefs is done." The Athenians themfelves ufed to call every earthen 
 veflel maker, every builder of ovens, and in fhort every dealer in clay, bv 
 the name of Prometheus, in allufion to the fluff he worked with, and his 
 manner of baking it in the fire: if this be your meanii^g, you are a good 
 markfman ; it is a true bitter Attic farcafm ; for my works are as brittle as 
 their earthenware ; throw but theleafl flone, and you dafh them in pieces. 
 But fomebody, perhaps, to comfort me, will fay, it is not in this I am 
 fo much like Prometheus, as becaufe my work is new, and not made after 
 any model ; even as he, before the exiftence of men, formed fome accord- 
 ing to his own invention, and created beings that moved about, and were 
 beauteous to look at: upon the whole he was an excellent architedt; but 
 Minerva afUfted him, breathed into, and animated his clay. Thus, perhaps, 
 taking it in the mod favourable fenfe, it might be interpreted, and fuch, 
 we will fuppofe, was the true meaning and intention of him who faid it ; but 
 it will not fatisfy me to have made fomething new, unlefs it was beautiful 
 alfo; for, be afTured, if it was not fo, I (hould be the firft to defplfe 
 it. If it was ugly, the novelty would never fave it from deftrudion : and if 
 I did not think fo, I fhould deferve to be preyed upon by fixteen ^ vulturs, 
 for not knowing that what is good for nothing is but fo much the worfe for 
 being new. Ptolemy, the fon of -j*- Lagus, carried two novelties into 
 Egypt, a Badtrian camel all black, and a man half black and half white ; and 
 produced them amongft other fpedlacles in the public theatre, where the 
 Egyptians were afTembled, expecting, no doubt, that they would be great- 
 ly {truck with the fight ; inflead of which, when they faw the camel, they 
 were frighted out of their wits, and ran away as faft as they could, though 
 he was covered with a cloth of purple and gold, with a bridle of gems and 
 precious flones, as if he had belonged to a Darius, Cyrus, or Cambyfes ; 
 as to the black and white man, fome laughed at it as ridiculous, others ab- 
 horred it as a monfter. When Ptolemy perceived there was no great honour 
 to be got by them, and that the Egyptians did not fo much admire things 
 for their novelty, as for their beauty and perfedtion, he forbad the fhewing 
 
 * Fulturs,'] Alluding to the vultur appointed by Jupiter to prey on the liver of Prome- 
 theus. See iEfchylus, ad i. fcene i. The whole of this abfurd flory is feverely ridiculed by 
 Lucian in his Caucafus. 
 
 f So7t of Lagus ^1 To dlflinguifh him from Ptolemy Philadelphus. Both thefe great princes 
 were remarkable for their attention to natural philofophy. 
 
 Vol. I. C them
 
 xo 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 them any more, and no longer held in eflimation the perfon who had pro- 
 cured them for him. The defpifed camel died, and the two-coloured man 
 was made a prefent of, to one Thefpis, a piper, for finging a good fong after 
 dinner. I vvifh my works miay not be like the Egyptian camel, and that they 
 are only admired for their gold and purple. The mixture of dialogue and 
 comedy, though both of them excellent models, will not render them com- 
 pletely elegant, unlefs there is a harmony of compofition, with ajuft fym- 
 metry and proportion obfervcd in them : from two things, in themfelves 
 beautiful, might otherwife arife fomething monflrous and unnatural, like 
 the well-known * Centaur; a creature not very agreeable, but rather, if we 
 truft thofe painters who have reprefented their battles, riots, and intempe- 
 rance, to the lafl degree odious and difguftful. Is it impoflible then, cut of 
 two good things to form one that Ihall be excellent, like that fweet mixture 
 which we have of wine and honey ? by no means : yet would I not venture 
 to fay this of my own performances, where I rather fear the beauty of both 
 parts may be fpoiled by the mixture of them, f Dialogue and comedy 
 did never properly accord together from the beginning ; one walking alone, 
 or with a few chofen friends, held her private difputations in fome obfcure 
 recefs ; whilft the other, a votary of Bacchus, mingled in the public theatre, 
 fported to the found of the pipe, and delighted in gibes, ridicule, and laugh- 
 ter ; fometimes, foaring aloft in anapsftic verfes, would fhe laugh the fol- 
 lowers of dialogue to fcorn, call them idle difputants, contemplators, and 
 fo forth, fcofFing at them with true Bacchanalian licentioufnefs ; now expofing 
 them as J air-walkers, and converfing with the clouds, now dcfcribing 
 
 * Centaur,'] The centaurs are defcribed to us as monfters of Thcffaly, half men and half 
 horfes ; a fable which probably took, its rile from the Thcfl-ulians being the firit people who made 
 the proper ufe of horfes ; it is natural to fuppofethat fuch an appearance might convey to thofe 
 who followed them the idea of a monfter, half man and half bead : a country 'fquire always 
 on horfeback is to this day little better. 
 
 •f- Dialogue and comedy,'] This obfervation feemsvery ftrange and abfurd to us, who have al- 
 ways confidered dialogue as indifpenfably neceflary to, and infeparable from comedy, which, 
 notwithftanding, if we look back to the rife of the ancient fongs, we fliall find, was no more 
 tl>an a fong to Bacchus, or afterwards, the fmgle fpeech, or declamation, of one drunken a6lor, 
 befmeared with lees of wine ; whilft philofophy-dialogue was confined to the grave philo- 
 fophers, who difputed about very ferious matters. Lucian's Dialogues, which he is here de- 
 fending, have certainly a dramatic caft, and his application of the vis comica to philofophic 
 matters, is that which, above all things, has fecured him the univcrfal approbation of latter ages. 
 
 X Atr-'walkerf,'] This alludes to Ariftophancs's comedy of the Clouds, where philofophy is 
 feverely ridiculed, as building callles in the air, difputing about trifles, 6cc, 
 
 them
 
 PROMETHEUS. n 
 
 them as meafuring the * leaps of fleas, to ridicule their fubtle reafonings 
 about things far above them ; whilfl: Dialogue, on the other hand, employed 
 herfelf in grave difputations concerning the nature of things, and the virtues 
 of philofophy ; running, like the mufician, through all the chords, from 
 the loweft to the highefl note : thefe oppofites, which will never blend or 
 aflbciate together, have I raflily endeavoured to reconcile and unite, and 
 therefore, I fear, lliall but too nearly refemblc your Prometheus, who 
 blended male and f female, and, like him, fliall be condemned for it ; or 
 rather, perhaps, for covering the | bones with fat, and deceiving my rea- 
 ders, by mixing comic mirth with philofophical gravity. As to theft, (for 
 there is a § god of theft, you know,) I am fure you will acquit me of it, for 
 whence fliould I fteal ? unlefs there be one in the world, which I do 
 not believe, who makes as ftrange monfters as myfelf ; but what, after 
 all, muft I do, but perfift in the way I began ? it was 1| Epimetheus, and 
 not Prometheus, that was given to change. 
 
 * Leaps ofjeas,] See the Clouds of Ariftophanes, aft i. fcene 2. where the great Socrates is 
 ridiculoully reprefented as calculating how far a flea can go at a leap. 
 
 f Lucian tells us, in another place, that the principal crime attributed to Prometheus was 
 (an oblervation not very favourable to the fair fex) his making of women. 
 
 t T/je ho7Ui tvithfat,'] Prometheus, according to the fabulous hiftory, once upon a time 
 played Jupiter a flippery trick ; he killed two large oxen, in the fkin of one of them he incloied 
 all the fat and flefli of them both, and in the other put nothing but the bones. Jupiter, who 
 was to have his choice, took the latter, and Prometheus, who was a wag, laughed at thejeft; 
 which he afterwards paid dearly for, when the vultur gnawed his liver on mount Caucafus. 
 
 § God of theft, '\ Mercury. 
 
 II Epimetheus,'] Epimetheus, we are told, was the fon of Japetus and Clymene, and hulhand 
 to the famous Pandora ; he is likewife fuppofed to have been an excellent ftatuary, and changed 
 into an ape, probably becaufe his figures approached nearly to real life. Lucian, who is now 
 and then fond of a pun, feems only to have mentioned him here from a fimilarity of found be- 
 tween the words Pro-metheus, and Epi-metheus. 
 
 C 2 N I G R I-
 
 N I G R I N U S% 
 
 O R T H E 
 
 PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 NiGRiNus, a Roman, or Greek philofopher (for the commentators are divided ahout 
 that matter), had mojl probably given fome leBures, which Lucian, in the courfe of 
 his travels, attended, and, in gratitude for the inJlruBions received from him, wrote 
 this dialogue, which he fent, as we may fuppofe, before publication, with the 
 Jhort epijlle prefixed, /o Nigrinus himfelf The philofopher is here defer ibed as a 
 per fed. mafier of the fcience which he profejfed, inJtruEling his fcholars in every 
 thing that was good and great, living up to his doSrine, and reproving thefajhion- 
 able follies of his time, with a fpirit and freedom becoming the advocate of truth 
 and virtue. In his ridicule of the reigning vices of his age, Lucian has put into 
 the mouth of Nigrinus no inconfiderable JJ:are of his own wit and humour, 
 This dialogue is admirably written, in a fine flowing agreeable flyle, and, per- 
 haps, one of his bejl ferious pieces. 
 
 EPISTLE to NIGRINUS. 
 
 LUCIAN to Nigrinus, fendeth greeting. Who fends j; owls to Athens? 
 fays the proverb ; as if it were ridiculous to carry them there, where 
 there are already fo many : as abfurd would it be in me to write a book, 
 to fhew my oratory, and fend it to Nigrinus. But as I only mean to de- 
 clare my prefent fentiments, and to Ihew my high opinion of your elo- 
 quence, I flatter myfelf I Ihall not incur the cenfure of Thucydides, who 
 tells us, that ignorance makes men bold, but knowlege keeps them humble; 
 
 * The commentators have given us another title to this piece, and call it, " Concern- 
 ing the Manners ot Philofcphers ;" but as no philofopher is mentioned except Ni- 
 grinus himfelf, who differed greatly from the generality of them, the title is both abfurd and 
 unneceflary. 
 
 t 0--Jch to Athc7t5,'\ The owl, though degraded by modern times into an emblem of folly, 
 was confidered by the ancients as a type of wifdom, and the favourite bird of Minerva, the pa- 
 tronefs of Athens, where, no doubt, (he formerly was treated with great refped. Owls were 
 confequently very numerous : hence arofe the proverb which is quoted by Erafmus and other 
 writets. The faying is analogous to our own, of «' carrying coals to Nevvcallle." 
 
 for
 
 N I G R I N U S; 13 
 
 for here, it is evident, I hope, my freedom muft be attributed more to my 
 love of fcience than the want of it. Farewel. 
 
 N I G R I N U S. 
 
 A DIALOGUE between LUCIAN and a FRIEND. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 How folemn and fublime you are, fince your return ! So far from con- 
 verfing familiarly as you ufed to do, you will fcarce condefcend to look down 
 upon one. A mighty fudden change ! I am afraid you are grown proud, 
 and Ihould be glad to know the reafon of it. 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 What can be the reafon, but my good fortune ? 
 
 LUCIAN. 
 
 How's that ? 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 I tell you, Pm grown a great man ; and, what's more, quite by chance, 
 
 and when I little thought of it. In fliort, I am the happiefl of men, or, as 
 
 the tragic poet fays. Thrice happy, 
 
 LUCIAN. 
 
 By Hercules that's ftrange ; and in fo fhort a time too ! 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 'Tis very true. 
 
 LUCIAN. 
 
 And what Is the caufe of all this fupercilious behaviour ? I beg I may 
 know every particular, that I may congratulate you properly upon it. 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 Is it not fufficient matter of admiration, that from a flave I am become 
 
 free ; from a beggar, rich ; from a blind and foolilh fellow, temperate and 
 
 fober ? 
 
 LUCIAN. 
 
 Moft indifputably. But I don't rightly underftand how this happened. 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 Know, then, I was going into the city in fearch of an oculifl ; for the dif- 
 
 order in my eyes was growing worfe every day, 
 
 L U-
 
 i^ N I G R I N U S. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 I know It was ; and have often wifhed you might light on feme fkilful 
 hand to relieve you. p r i e N D. 
 
 Having, therefore, for fome time intended to call on Nigrinus, the Pla- 
 tonic philofopher, I got up early, and knocked at his door ; his boy an- 
 nounced me, and I was admitted. On coming into his room, I found him 
 with a book in his hand, and furrounded by a number of bufls of all the 
 learned men of antiquity. In the middle were placed tablets, with geome- 
 trical figures on them, and a fphere made of reeds, to reprefent the uni- 
 verfe. He embraced me very cordially, and alked me how I went on ; and, 
 when I had fatisfied him, 1 took the liberty in my turn to enquire what he 
 was about, and whether he had refolved at laft to travel into Greece. But 
 no fooner did he begin to communicate his fentiments to me, than there 
 poured forth from his lips fuch a profufionof ambrofial eloquence, as called 
 to my remembrance the fweet * Syrens (if ever fuch there were), and the 
 nio-htin^ales, and the ^ lotus of old Homer : fo divine were the words he 
 uttered. He talked in praife of philofophy, and that freedom which is ever 
 attendant on her; deriding at the fame time thofe things which are prized 
 by the vulgar, riches, honour, glory, gold, and purple, which appear fo 
 
 * S^:rens,'] Thefe mufical ladies, half women, and half birds, according to the fabulous 
 
 hUlorj' of them, were the daughters of the river Achelous, and the mufe Calliope. Ovid tells 
 
 us that they prayed to the gods for wings, that they might fly round the world in fearch of Pro- 
 
 ferpine ; they Itopped, however, and took up their abode on fome rocks between the ifland of 
 
 Ci'.prea and the coalls of Italy ; where, being excellent fingers, they allured voyagers to flop and 
 
 liikn to them, the conlequence of which was, that the poor men forgot, fo enchanted were 
 
 they with the fongs, either to eat or drink, and confequently periihed. The fnores were 
 
 ^\h;tened, Homer tells us, with the bones of thefe unhappy vidims to the power of harmony. 
 
 See the twelfth book of Homer's Odyffey. Lucian doubts, as well he might, whether fuch 
 
 beings everexlfted. The allegorizers of heathen fable have changed them into harlots j which, 
 
 indeed, eaiily accounts for all this wonderful fafcination. 
 
 •j- Lotus,] from the fruit of this plant, or tree, was extracted, according to Homer, a liquor, 
 of fuch attractive qualities, as to make Ulyfles's followers very unwilling to quit the place where 
 ir c-re'.v, in the land of the Lotophagi : he defcribes it as a 
 ■ Divine nutricious juice, 
 
 ■ ■ " which whofo talles, 
 
 Infatiate riots in the fweet repails ; 
 
 Nor other home, nor other care intends ; 
 
 But quits his houfe, his country, and his friends. 
 
 See Pope's Homer's Odyf. ix. 1. io6. 
 This was probably the Burgundy of the ancients. 
 
 valuable
 
 N I G R I N U S. 15 
 
 valuable in the eyes of the multitude, and which once indeed attracted my 
 efteem alfo. I was fo flruck with every thing he faid, that I knew not what 
 to compare my feelings to on the occafion ; but was tranfported as it were a 
 thoufand ways. I grieved, methought, to fee the things which I had fo 
 long held dear contemned, and could fcarce refrain from tears at the lofs of 
 them : but now, thofe very riches, glories, and honours, which I fo 
 eftecmed, appear trifling and ridiculous ; I rejoiced to find myfelf freed 
 from the dark and heavy atmofphere of my former life, and breathing a 
 purer air, in ferenity and fun-f!iine. The weaknefs in my eyes, to my great 
 aftonilhmcnt, was foon forgotten, and in a very fhort time my mind became 
 more enlightened; for hitherto I knew not that it was blind. It was not 
 long before I felt myfelf even jufl as you feemed to think me. I was elated 
 by his difcourfe, and lifted up as it were to the ikies, nor can I think more 
 of any thing low or mean. I am intoxicated with philofoph)^, as the Indi- 
 ans were with wine, when they firft tafled of it; warm by nature, and drink- 
 ing largely of fuch potent liquor, they foon turned Bacchanals, grew mad, 
 and faw double; andjuft in the fame manner do I run about, drunk and 
 mad with his eloquence ; though mine is not properly drunkennefs, but 
 temperance and fobriety. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Happy Ihould I be to hear, if poffible, .the fpeech you talk of, nor will 
 you deem it right, I hope, to rcfufe a friend's requeft, whofe tafte and 
 fludies are fo fimilar to your own. 
 
 FRIEND. 
 Be of good chear, my friend ; for, as Homer fays, 
 
 * Why urge a foul already fiU'd with fire ? 
 
 If you had not afked me, I fhould have defired you to hear it, for I want 
 to bring you in as an evidence in my favour, that I may not run mad with- 
 out a reafon ; befides, that I always take a pleafure in recolledting it : it is 
 my conflant employment, and, when I am by myfelf, I repeat it three or 
 four times in a day; juft as lovers, when their miftrefles are abfent, call to 
 mind every word and every adtion, and converfe with the dear objedV, as if 
 it were before their eyes ; and thus, by dwelling perpetually upon it, foften 
 thedifeafe; talking with them, and making kind anfwers for them, which 
 
 * See Homer's II. book viii. 1. 293, 
 
 delight
 
 ,5 N I G R I N U S. 
 
 deli'^ht as much as if they were real : thus do T, in the abfence of my dear 
 philofophy, call to mind the words which 1 heard, and joy in the recol- 
 ledtion of them ; tofled, as it were, on the ocean, in a dark and tempeftuous 
 ni"hr, I look ftill towards this light, to guide and dired me in every thing 
 I do or fay ; imagine this great man prefent, and think I hear him 
 talking to me ; his face is ever before my eyes, and his voice ftill founding 
 in my ear ; for, as the * comic poet fays, he left a fling in the minds of his 
 
 hearers. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Pray, 'my worthy friend, have done with your prolufions, and tell me the 
 whole from beginning to end, for I am fick of your preambles. 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 You are certainly right, and it Ihall be fo ; but did you never fee a bad 
 ador hiffed off the ftage, for fpoiling a very excellent performance ? 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Aye, many a one ; but what of that ? 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 I am afraid I Ihall be like them, fometimes putting things together 
 aukwardly -, and at others, by my own ignorance marring the fentiment itfelf, 
 till the whole piece by degrees becomes ridiculous. With regard to myfelf, 
 indeed, I fhall not be much concerned ; but if my dear philofophy fhould 
 appear mean and contemptible, from my bad reprefentation of it, I own it 
 would affcd me deeply ; I muft beg you, therefore, to remember throughout 
 the whole, that the poet is innocent, fits a great way off from the fcene, 
 and never troubles himfelf about what is going forward on the ftage. I will 
 try my talent, however, as an adtor, and fhew you at leaft how good a memory 
 I have, though, with regard to every thing elfe, I may be little better than 
 a tragedy meffenger. If at any time, therefore, I feem to fail, you are to 
 fuppofe the thing itfelf much better, and that, when the poet made it, it 
 was quite another affair : if you fhould hifs me, I affure you, I Ihall not 
 be angry. 
 
 * Comic poet ^'] Alluding probably to that paflage of Eupolls, quoted by DIodorus Siculus, 
 where, fpeaking of Pericles, the famous orator, he fays, of all the great fpeakers 
 
 he could leave behind, 
 
 The fUng, deep-pointed, in the hearer's mind, 
 
 L U C I A N
 
 N I G R I N U S. 17 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 By Mercury, your proocmium is excellent, and according to the rules of 
 rhetoric; but you fliould have added, that "^ you converfed but a very little 
 time with him, that you came unprepared to fpeak, that it would have been 
 much more agreeable to have heard it from his own mouth, but that you 
 had brought away as much as you could commit to memory : would not 
 fomething of this kind have been of fervice to you ? but, with me, there is 
 no occafion for it ; for I am ready to clap and halloo for you ; though if you 
 grow tedious I fhall certainly be angry with, and hifs you dreadfully. 
 
 FRIEND. 
 It is what I Ihould expedt ; but remember, I fhall not give it you in the 
 fame order, nor in the fame words, which he made ufe of; for this I cannot 
 poflibly do, left I Ihould refemble thofe adlors, who often put on the mafk of 
 Creon, Agamemnon, or perhaps Hercules himfelf, and then flrut about 
 in their golden vefts, and from their fierce vifages, and wide-gaping mouths, 
 fend forth a weak womanifh found, as feeble as a Hecuba, or Polyxena. 
 To avoid putting on a f mafk, therefore, too big for my head, and dif- 
 gracing my part, I fhall fpeak to you in my own proper perfon, that my 
 hero and 1 may not fink together. 
 
 • That you converfcdy Cs'c] Lucian is laughing at the formal and ftated rules laid down, we 
 may fuppofe, by the teachers of rhetoric in thofe days, and which, like all other rules, never 
 made an orator. We meet with many, notwithftanding, fimilar to thefe, in Tully, and feveral 
 other writers on this fubjeft. No lefs a man, however, than lord Ghefterfield maintains the 
 poffibility of making an orator by mere dint of art and induftry invita. Minerva : he tried 
 the noftrum on his fon, but it did not fucceed. See Lord Chefterfield's Letters to his Son. 
 
 ■\ A maj}:,'] The maik, ufed in the Greek theatre, was a kind of cafque, or helmet, which 
 covered the whole head, reprefenting not only the face, but the beard, hair, ears, and even, in 
 the women's malks, all the ornaments of the coif, or cap ; the moft perfeft and durable were of 
 wood, which were generally copied by the moft eminent artifts, from the bufts or ftatues of the 
 principal perfons reprefented, and confequently conveyed the moft exa6l refemblance of them. 
 This gave the aftor an opportunity of playing feveral different parts in the fame piece, without 
 being difcovered ; in fo extenfive an area as the Greek theatre, it might be neceflary, by thefe 
 large and frightful malks, to exaggerate the features ; but at the fame time we muU remem- 
 ber, that by all thefe exaggerations the natural exprellion of the eyes and countenance muft be 
 entirely loft. After all, indeed, that can be faid in favour of the ancient malks, it is fcarce de- 
 fenfible. The face is certainly the beft index of the mind, and the paffions as forcibly exprefled 
 by the features as by the words and gcfture of the performer ; for my own part, I prefer the 
 Englifli to the Athenian ftage, in this as well as in many other particulars; though I will pro- 
 mife to join the Trfoa-wwoipiXot, and vote for the reftoration of the ancient malk, whenever they 
 can Ihew me one that can reprefent the happy features of Quin, in Falftaff ; or give us an idea 
 of a frantic Lear, like the look and face of the inimitable Garrick. See the Diflertation on 
 Tragedy, prefixed to my tranflation of Sophocles. 
 
 Vol. I. D L U-
 
 ^g N I G R I N U S, 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Will the man never have done with his ftage, and his tragedy ? 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 I will, and return to my fubje^. He began with an eulogium on Greece, 
 and thofe who dwell at Athens, preferring philofophical indigence to every 
 thing befide ; never rejoicing in the company of either citizens or flrangers, 
 who would lead them afide into the paths of pieafure ; but if they met 
 with any fuch, would foon transform them, teaching them how to change 
 their ancient manners, and walk in purity of life. He then mentioned one 
 of thofe fine gentlemen, who came to Athens, dreffed out in gold and filver, 
 with a large attendance, and who thought himfelf the admiration of all 
 men, and that he was the happiell of human beings ; but to them the crea- 
 ture appeared milerable : they tried however to reform him, not by open 
 and Iharp reproaches, as if a man in a free city might not live as he thought 
 proper ; but when at any time he grew troublefome, either at the baths, or 
 wreflling places of public exercife, crouding in with a heap of fervants, and 
 preffing people to death, would put fomebody in his way, that, in an hum- 
 ble voice, and unwilling to offend him, Ihould whifper, " This man fure 
 is afraid of being murthered in the bath, though, as it is the feat of per- 
 petual peace, there is no occafion for an army there." He hears what is 
 faid of him, and is the better for it; they perfuaded him, withal, to lay 
 afide his fine purple robe, and all his gaudy apparel, by fneering at the 
 tawdrinefs of it : the fpring is approaching, they cried, whence comes this 
 peacock ? Perhaps the gown is his mother's, and fo forth. In like manner 
 they reproved the refl of his follies, fometimes laughing at the quantity of 
 rings on his fingers, fometimes his extraordinary nicety in the drefling of his 
 hair, and fometimes his extravagant manner of living -, thus, by degrees, 
 was he reformed, and went away apparently a much better man than he 
 came. To fhew that philofophers were never afhamed of their poverty, he 
 told me a ftory, which was current at the public games, of a man, who 
 appearing there in a * coloured robe, was feized on, and carried before the 
 prefident of the games ; many of the people took compailion on, and in- 
 terceded for him : but, when the crier pronounced him guilty of afting 
 
 * Coloured 7-ohe,'\ The privilege of putting on a fine coloured robe was one of the rewards 
 with which the conquerors at the Olympics were honoured j it was confequently confideredas a 
 crime to appear in them before the combat, 
 
 again ft
 
 N I G R I N U S. 19 
 
 againfl the laws, by bis appearance in fuch a habit on that occafion, they 
 unanimoufly acquitted him, becaufe it was the only garment which he 
 had. He took occafion at the fame time to extol the liberty which they en- 
 joyed in their retreat, their manner of living, free from envy and ambition ; 
 their fafety, eafe, and happinefs, with all the virtues that accompanied ir, 
 proved how confonant it was with true philofophy, that fuch a life alone could 
 preferve pure and untainted morality, and highly became the good and 
 virtuous, who knew how to defpife riches, and live according to the dictates 
 of nature. * For thofe, indeed, who are in fearch of wealth, who meafure 
 happinefs by power and fplendour, who have never tafted of liberty, enjoyed 
 the open freedom of fpeech, or beheld the face of truth ; but have been 
 brought up to, and for ever converfant with fervitude and flattery : for thofe 
 who are given up to pleafure, fond of luxurious tables, wine, and women ; 
 full of fraud, treachery, and lying; who attend to the found of the harp, 
 and liften with delight to lafcivious fonnets ; for fuch men the city alone is 
 the proper habitation ; where every (Ireet and market-place is full of 
 enjoyments ; there pleafure enters in at every gate : through the eye, the 
 ear, the tafte, the fmell j through every part and every fenfe Ihe gains 
 admittance, and not a path remains that is not widened by this rapid 
 and ever-flowing torrent. There meet together, adultery, avarice, per- 
 jury, and every other vice; the foul is overwhelmed beneath them, 
 and juflice, modefty, and virtue are no more : bereft of thefe, the 
 mind becomes dry and barren, or only teems with favage and bru- 
 tal extravagance. Such, according to his defcription, is this great city, 
 and fuch the IcflTons of inflrudion to be learned from her. " When 
 firft, faid he, I came out of Greece, before I entered into this place, I 
 flopped fhort, and reafoned thus with myfelf ; why, cried I, fliould I, as 
 •f" Homer fays. 
 
 Leave the fair fun, the light of chearful day. 
 
 Leave Greece, the feat of happinefs and freedom, for a place where there is 
 nothing but noife and tumult, ceremonious vifits, fycophants, feafts, mur- 
 
 * For tbofe, Indeed^ l^c.'] Thefe obfervations, though originally calculated for the meridian 
 of Rome or Athens, would ferve, with very little alteration, for our own corrupted capital. 
 Compare this with the tenth fatire of Juvenal, and Dr. Samuel Johnfon's excellent imitation 
 of it, in his poem called London. 
 
 f Homer /ajs^'] See the Odyf, A. v. 92. 
 
 D 2 thers.
 
 JO N I G R I N U S. 
 
 thers lep-acy-bunting, and pretended friendfhips ? What can you do when 
 you can no longer have it in your power to leave it, nor at the fame time 
 can ever bring yourfelf to comply with the modes and cuftoms of it ? When 
 I had thus confulted my own heart, and withdrawn myfelf, as Jupiter, they 
 tell us, withdrew * Hedtor from the battle, 
 
 Safe from the darts, the care of heav'n he ftood, 
 Amidft alarms, and death, and duft, and blood. 
 Like him, I determined to remain at home, and chofe this inadlive, and 
 what fome would call effeminate way of life, that 1 may converfe with 
 Plato, philofophy, and truth. Here, placing myfelf, as it were on a high 
 feat in a crouded theatre, I look down on what is paffing below, a fcene 
 fometimes of mirth and entertainment, and fometimes of fuch hazard and 
 danger, as puts virtue to the proof. If even the worft of things, as it may 
 fometimes happen, deferve praife for the good they may produce, 1 know no 
 better fchool of virtue, no better place of trial for the mind of man, 
 than this very city, and the modes and habits of it. It is not an 
 eafy tafk to refill the attacks of fo many diverfions, pleafures, and amufe- 
 ments, the variety of temptations, which on every fide, and from every 
 fenfe attradt and betray us. But we fhould follow the example of UlylTes, 
 and fail by them, not like his followers, bound hand and foot, that, indeed, 
 would be frightful ; nor waxing up our ears, but free, open, and determined, 
 with a mind rifing fuperior to them : how low does fuch folly fink, when 
 put in competition with that philofophy which contemns the gifts of for- 
 tune, which beholds, as on a ftage, a multiplicity of charaders in perpetual 
 change; fees the fervant made a lord, the poor turned to rich, and the rich 
 to poor, friends one moment, and enemies the next; but what we fhould 
 moft lament is, that though fortune is for ever fporting with human affairs, 
 and convincing us that there is nothing ftable, nothing to be depended on, 
 thofe, notwithftanding, who are every day fpeftators of them, ftill fall in 
 love with riches and power, ftill intoxicate themfelves with vain and idle 
 hopes of what can never be poffeffed. 
 
 But I will now proceed to what, as I obferved to you, will delight and 
 entertain us, thcobjedls of mirth and ridicule. What can be more contempt- 
 ible than thofe rich fools, who are always Ihewing their purple garments, 
 
 * He^orf] See the eleventh book of Homer's Iliad, 1. 164. 
 
 (Iretching
 
 N I G R I N U S. 21 
 
 ilretching out their fingers that you may fee the rings upon them, and prac- 
 tifing a thoufand follies : but what is flill more ridiculous, if they meet, 
 they will fpeak to you only by proxy, as thinking it honour fufficient if they 
 permit you but to look at them ; fome are fo proud as even to expedt adora- 
 tion, not at a diftance, or after the Perfian mode, but coming clofe up, 
 with your eyes fixed on the ground, and (hewing the fubmiffion of your foul 
 by the humble pofture of your body, kiffing the bread or hand : and 
 even this is looked upon as a high and mighty favour, by thofe who are not 
 fo happy as to arrive at it : and thus the idol fliall ftand for a long time, 
 and fuffer himfelf to be made a fool of. At the fame time, I muft own, we 
 are obliged to the cruel creatures for refuling us the honour of their lips. 
 Thofe, after all, are more to be defpifed, who run after and cringe to them, 
 who will rife up in the middle of the night, and run about the city ; a fet 
 of fawning curs, whom the very fervants turn out of doors, who will yet 
 prefs in to flatter them ; the reward of all their trouble is only a fupper, 
 that is a burthen to them, and brings on a thoufand ill confequences ; for 
 after eating and drinking more than they like, and faying perhaps more 
 than they ought to fay, they return home fick and forry, find fault with the 
 fupper, the company, the houfe, and the mafter of it ,* fome are found 
 fick in the lanes and alleys, others quarrelling in the flews, whilfh three 
 parts of them lie in bed till noon, and give the phyficians an opportunity of 
 taking their rounds to vifit them ; though fome, indeed, which you will 
 fay is mofl ridiculous of all, cannot even find leifure to be fick. The flat- 
 terers are, in my opinion, worfe than thofe they flatter, as they are generally 
 the fupporters of their pride and infolence ; when fuch men throng to their 
 levees, admire their riches, and, when they meet, falute them as their lords 
 and matters, what muft they think ? Whereas, on the other hand, if they 
 would agree to fhake off this voluntary fervitude, * would not the rich, 
 think you, come themfelves to the doors of the poor, and beg them not to 
 let their happinefs pafs unnoticed ? the magnificence of their houfes, and 
 the fumptuoufnefs of their tables, ufelefs and unobferved? for it is not their 
 riches that gives them fo much pleafure, as the fatlsfadtion of being thought 
 happy in the poflTefiTion of them. Fine palaces, gold, and ivory, are of no 
 
 * Would not the rich, ifc,'] This is a moft fenfible and judicious obfervation, founded on 
 truth and reafon. Nigrinus abounds, indeed, throughout with reflexions of this kind, 
 «dually applicable at all times, and in all places. 
 
 fervicc
 
 52 
 
 N I G R I N U S. 
 
 fervice to the mader, unlefs others admire them. The only means, there- 
 fore, to render the gifts of fortune of no efteem, Is to guard againft power 
 and fplcndour, by this contempt of them ; whereas, on the other hand, 
 by paying them refped, the pofleflbrs are led into madnefs and folly. 
 In the low and illiterate, who openly confefs their ignorance, fuch conduifl 
 might be forgiven ; but, for thofe who pretend to philofophy, to adt ftill 
 more foolifhly and ridiculoufly, even than they do, is to the laft degree un- 
 pardonable. What do I feel when I behold any of thefe, efpecially fuch as 
 are advanced in life, mixing with the croud of flatterers, attending, like 
 humble followers, on one of thefe great men, talking familiarly with the 
 common fervants, in all their fuperb drefs and finery : I am provoked that, 
 whilft in every other refped they ad the part of (laves, they do not wear 
 the habit alfo. What are thefe better than profeffed parafites ? Do they 
 not feed more kixurioufly, get in liquor fooner, rife later fiom table, and 
 carry more away with them; nay, and do not thofe amongft them, who are 
 mofl polite, * fmg as often ?" Thefe were the things which he thought truly 
 ridiculous : he took particular notice, likewife, of thofe who turn philofo- 
 phers for hire, and fell virtue, as it were, at the public market : the fchools 
 of fuch, therefore, he called fhops and taverns; as he thought thofe, who 
 pretended to teach others the contempt of riches, fliould above all men be 
 themfelves free from venality. What he didated he pradifed : not only 
 converfing freely, without fee or reward, with all thofe who defired it; but 
 fupplying the poor with neceilaries, and fhewing the utmofl contempt of 
 every thing fuperfiuous. So far was he from feeking that which did not be- 
 long to him, that he took very little care even of his own eftate, which was 
 falling to ruin •, and though he had a farm not far from the city, never took 
 the pains for many years fo m.uch as to vifit it ; he even faid, it was really 
 none of his : arguing, I fuppofc, that in things of this kind, we cannot 
 properly be called the matters of it, feeing that law, or heritage, only 
 gives us a temporary pofleffion of it for a Ihort and uncertain time : that 
 time expired, another occupies, and enjoys it by the fame tenure. Thus 
 did he enforce his precepts, to all thofe who were willing to learn, by his 
 
 * Sing as often,'] In Greece the people of fadiion never fung themfelves, but hired flave» 
 for that purpofe. TheCe always made an Indifpenlible part in fealls, both public and private : 
 Lucian, therefore, confiders the practice of linking, to entertain company, as degrading, and 
 beneath the character of a gentleman. 
 
 own
 
 N I G R I N U S. 23 
 
 own example ; by the frugality of his table, proper exerclfe, the modefty 
 of his appearance, and decency of his attire ; but above all, by the com- 
 pofure of his mind, and the fweetnefs of his manners. He counfelled his 
 followers never to put off, or defer the time of acfting aright, as too many 
 do, who allot fome particular feafon, a public feflival perhaps, or folemn 
 meeting, when they will begin to leave off their vices, and iludy to be 
 good. The bent of the foul towards virtue, he thought, was by no means 
 to be turned afide for a moment; and blamed thofe philofophers cxceedino-- 
 ly, who harraffed their pupils with perpetual toil and labour, compellincr 
 fome of them to bind themfelves with cords, others to endure "^ flr'.pcs, 
 others, of a more delicate frame, to rafe their ikin with fwords : the firm- 
 nefs, ftrength, and folidity of their minds, in his opinion, ought much 
 rather to be attended to, and, in the education of youth, a proper regard 
 paid to the foul, as well as the body, their age, and former manner of life, 
 at the fame time duly confidered, that they might not be hurt, by attemptino- 
 any thing beyond their flrength and abilities ; as by this irrational method of 
 ftraining themfelves, many, he obferved, had perilhed. I knew, indeed, 
 one myfelf, who, after fuffering a great deal from fuch preceptors as thefe, 
 came to him, embraced true learning, and returned with a mind highly 
 improved. 
 
 This fubjeft difniifled, he turned to the confideration of many others, 
 talked of our civil broils and tumults, the ftage, the circus, the ftatues of 
 the charioteers, the names of the horfes, and the converfations about them 
 in every ftreet ; for no diforder is fo univerfal as the f hippomany. Many 
 of thofe who pafs for grave and fober men, did he reprove : then, as if en- 
 tering on a new aft of his play, began upon funerals, and attacked the laft 
 will and teftament men ; remarking, that the Romans, young or old, fpeak 
 truth once in their lives, meaning in their laft wills, which they durft not 
 do before, for fear of bad confequences. 1 could not refrain from laughter 
 when he added on this occafion, that they all would have their follies buried 
 
 * To endure Jlr'ipes^'\ See the Anacharfis of Luclan, where this fevere difcipline is finely 
 ridiculed. 
 
 f The hippomany.'] The hippomany, or horfe-madnefs, as Lucian here humouroufly ftyles 
 It, is a difeafe to the full as equally prevalent and epidemical in modern as in ancient times: 
 few nations have been more feverely afflicted with it than our own. We have of late, it feems, 
 bit our next neighbours alfo, and the French courfe on the Sablon already vies with the races at 
 Newmarket. 
 
 with
 
 24 N I G R I N U S. 
 
 with them, and yet acknowlege them under their own hands at the lafl 
 hour; fome ordering their deaths, or any thing elfe, which they moft de- 
 lighted in, to be burned with them on the funeral pile ; others commanding 
 fervants to watch at their fepulchres ; others defiring to have their tombs 
 hung with garlands : pcrfevering thus in error and abfurdity, even beyond 
 the grave. One might eafily conjedlure, he thought, what kind of lives 
 they muft have led, who could order fuch things to be done after their deaths. 
 Thefe are the men that purchafc the moft coftly dainties, and mix ^ faffron 
 and fpices with their wine ; fuch as are crowned with f rofes in the midft of 
 winter, which they are fond of then, only becaufe they are rare and out of 
 feafon ; and yet, at the proper time, when produced by nature alone, utterly 
 rejedt and defpife them ; fuch as ufe ointments and perfumes; men, who 
 did not even know, for which he moft condemned them, how to enjoy thofe 
 pleafures which they were perpetually in fearch of, but miffed their aim, and 
 deftroycd their own end and purpofe, by leaving their minds a prey to con- 
 tinual diffipation ; coming in, as upon the ftage, J any way rather than by 
 the ftreet-door ; this he called a folccilm in pleafure. As § Momus found fault 
 with nature, for not placing the ox*s horns before his eyes ; in like manner 
 did he laugh at thefe fools, for placing their perfumed crowns on their heads, 
 for, as he obferved, if they are fo fond of rofes and violets, they fliould 
 
 * Saffron and /pices,'] Plutarch, in his Sympofia, mentions the mixing faffron with wine, as 
 an article of fa{hionable luxury ; this is a fpecies, however, of ancient Epicurlfm which the 
 moderns have not hitherto adopted. 
 
 f Rofes,'] This cuflom is at this day as fafhionable in England as it ever could have been in 
 Greece or Rome, no lady of the Ton appearing without winter-rofes ; it even defcends 
 to the lower orders, and a genteel footman never hires himfelf to a woman of quality, without 
 firll knowing how much flie allows a week for nofegays. 
 
 X Any '•x'ay rather, t^c] The commentators on the original of this paffage are much per- 
 plexed, and have written two or three quarto pages about and about it, without feeming 
 to have difcovered the true meaning, which, after all, appears to be no more than an allufion 
 to the entrance of the perfons of the drama, at back-doors, windows, &c. Lucian's argument, 
 therefore, runs thus ; why will not the fons of luxury and pleafure follow the plain road and 
 dictates of nature, inftead of thus turning out of her path, and coming in, like aiSlors on the 
 flage, at any entrance rather than the right ? 
 
 § As Momus, t^c."] Momus found fault with the gods, or nature, for not placing the horns 
 of an ox rather under than above the eye, as imagining, perhaps, that in fuch a pofltion they 
 would have aded with more force, and, confequently, been more ferviceable to the animal. 
 Lucian tells us, in his True Hiftory, that he met with fome of this kind, made according to 
 Momus's plan, but he does not tell us they were a whit the better for it. See Arillotle de Part. 
 Animal, lib. lii. c. 2. 
 
 rather
 
 N 1 G R I N U S. ' 25 
 
 rather put them under their nofes, that the fmell might be Wronger, and 
 more agreeable ; thofe, above all, did he turn into ridicule, who are fo won- 
 derfully expert in grand entertainments, and perpetually employed in the 
 fearch of dainties and delicacies of every kind. They went through a deal 
 of trouble and fatigue, he faid, to procure a fhort and momentary pleafure, 
 as fcarce any man's throat was above four fingers long ; for neither before 
 nor after, they had tafted this coflly food, would it give them more fatisfac- 
 tion than the plaineft and chcapeft diet ; purchafing, thus, a fleeting and 
 tranfitory pleafure, at a price the moft extravagant ; and all becaufe they 
 wanted true tafte, to enjoy that real and folid fatisfadion, which philofo- 
 phy alone can afford, to thofe who induflrioully fearch after her. 
 
 The next thing which he took notice of, was what paffed in the baths ; 
 where the rich and great, with a large train of attendants, are carried on 
 the Ihoulders of their flaves, as if laid out for their funeral. One abfur- 
 dity, in particular, frequently pradlifed in thefe places, raifed his indignation ; 
 fervants walking before their mailers, and crying out to them to * look to 
 their feet, and give them warning of every hillock, or puddle, in their 
 way, that they might know (w^hich was to the laft degree ridiculous) how 
 to walk fafely. It was intolerable, he thought, to fee people, who 
 never made ufe of other's hands or mouths, to eat, or of other's ears 
 to hear, fhould, notwithftanding, when they were in full health and 
 vigour, borrow other men's eyes to fee with, and fuffer themfelves to be 
 bawled to like the poor and blind ; and yet the greatefl men, and thofe to 
 whom the care of the ftate was committed, even in the middle of the day, 
 and in the public market-place, would fubmit to this indignity. With thefe, 
 and many other obfervations of the like nature, he finifhed his difcourfe. 
 I was loft in aftonilhment -, and liftening ftill with attention, dreaded his 
 filence, when I perceived he had quite done. The fame thing happened 
 to me, as did to the f Ph^acians of old ; I ftood a long time wiih my eyes 
 fixed on him : my head turned round, the fweat dropped from me, I almoft 
 
 * Look to their feet ^'\ This is a proof, amongft many others, that the Romans, in the de- 
 cline of the empire, were funk into the loweft ftate of floth and effeminacy, and had adopted 
 aim oil all the modes of Eaftern luxury. 
 
 •j- l^he Vhxac'ia7ii\ 
 
 He ceas'd, but left, fo charming on their ear, 
 
 His voice, that lifl'ning ftill they feem'd to hear. Homer's OdyiT. b. xi. 
 
 Vol. I. E fainted ;
 
 26 N I G R I N U S. 
 
 fainted ; I endeavoured to fpeak, but could not ; my tongue faltered, my 
 voice was gone, and, at laft, I burlt into tears. His difcourfe had not 
 nightly affeded me, or grazed the Ikin alone, but left a deep and mortal 
 wound, and pierced, as it were, to my inmoft foul. The mind, in my opi- 
 nion, of every well-difpofed man, is like a foft mark, or butt; many are 
 the archers in this life, with their quivers full of fpeeches of every kind ; 
 but few amongft them aim aright: fome ftretch the cord too tight, and 
 the arrow, fent forth with more force than is neceffary, doth not Hick in, 
 but pafling through, leaves the mind fore with its gaping wound ; whilft 
 others, from a loofer bow, and want of ftrength to carry them on, fall 
 Ihort of the mark, and, with languid motion, drop down in the middle of 
 their courfe ; or, if they reach the butt, lightly touch the furface of it, 
 and go no farther. But the fkilful markfman, like our philofopher, ex- 
 amines firft the mark he is to fhoot at, with all poffible diligence and care, 
 to fee whether it be foft or hard, for fome are impenetrable ; then dipping 
 his arrow, not in poifon, like the ^ Scythians, nor in opium, like the 
 Curetes, but in a kind of lliarp, yet pleafing liquid, take a fure and cer- 
 tain aim : the f dart thrown out with that degree of force which is ne- 
 ceffary, and fixed in the center, diifufes its medicinal virtues over every 
 part of the foul. Hence it arifes, that the hearer is ravifhed with the 
 found ; and, as he liftens, diflblves in tears : as I myfelf experienced. I 
 could have faid to him in the words of J Homer, 
 
 Thus, always thus, thy early worth be try'd : 
 for, as not all who hear the Phrygian pipe are feized with madnefs, but 
 only thofe whom § Rhea herfelf felefts ; fo thofe alone arc affeded by 
 
 * The Scj'thlam, ^c] 
 
 t'mxere fagittas 
 
 Errantes Scythise populi Lucan, lib. Hi. v. 356. 
 
 and Virgil, . ,r r • 
 
 Non fecus ac nervo per nubem impiula lagitta 
 
 Armatam faevi Parthus quam felle veneni 
 
 Parthus, five Cvdon teluni immedicabile torfit. JEntid xii. v. 856. 
 
 •j- Tke dart, t^c] When Lucian lays hold of a favourite image, to illuftrate his fubjeifl:, he 
 is too apt, like Ovid, to dwell too long upon it ; till his reader is tired with a conftant repetition 
 of the fame idea. This is the cafe with regard to the palfage before us. 
 
 + Homer,'] See Pope's tranflatlon of the Iliad, book viii. v. 340. 
 
 § IFhom Rhea her/,//, fe'r.] The priefts of Rhea ; who alone are worked up into a religious 
 phrenzy by the found of the Phrygian pipe, which is fuppofed to have no eftedt on common 
 hearers: nee aliter concitantur, (fays Seneca, fee Ep. 119.) quam Phrygii folent tibiciuis fono 
 femiviri & ex imperio fuientcs. 
 
 true
 
 N I G R I N U S. 27 
 
 true philofophy, whofe genius and difpofition are by nature turned to- 
 wards it. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 What noble, wonderful, and divine things, my dear friend, have you 
 communicated to me ! You have treated me, as it were, with lotus and 
 ambrofia : when you fpoke, I was in raptures ; when you left off, I was In 
 defpair. To ufe your own words, I am deeply wounded ; nor is it to be 
 wondered at ; for thofe, you know, who are bitten by mad dogs, are not 
 only themfelves feized with the diforder, but if in their madnefs they bite 
 others, make them delirious alfo. By the bite the malady is communicated 
 from one to the other, and the infedtion fpreads on every fide. 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 You own then, you have caught the dillemper ? 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 Moft certainly : and I intreat you, moreover, to provide a proper remedy 
 for us both. 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 We mud even do then as * Telephus did. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 How is that ? 
 
 FRIEND. 
 
 Go to him from whom we received the wound, and defire him to heal It. 
 
 * Telephus] Achilles (fays the commentator) altera plagaTelepho Illata priorem, ut faraa 
 eft, fanavit. 
 
 E 2 T I M O N,-
 
 T I M O N; 
 
 OR, THE 
 
 MAN-HATER. 
 
 The Timon {)/ LuciAN /i defervedly ejleemed one of his bejl pieces. A fund of 
 good fenfe and reflexion, enlivened by frequent fallies of wit and humour, runs 
 through the whole. Our great Shakspeare has filled up Lucian'j outline^ 
 drawn forth the charaBers into atlion, and formed, from him and Plutarch 
 together, no unpleafing drama, 
 
 TIMON, JUPITER, PLUTUS, MERCURY, POVERTY, &c. 
 
 T I M O N. 
 
 O Jupiter ! the friendly, the hofpitablc, the foc'ial, the domeftic, the 
 oath-binder, the thunderer, the cloud-compelling, the far-refounding, 
 or by whatever nanne thou art called by frantic poets, efpecially when the 
 verfe halts (for then they have a thoufand names to prop the falling metre, 
 and fill up the hiatus), where is now your crackling lightning, and your 
 deep-toned thunder ? Where are all your white, blazing, and terrific bolts ? 
 All dwindled into nothing ; a mere poetical fmoke; a heap of idle names. 
 Thofe unerring, far-lhooting darts, fo celebrated and beverfed, have, I 
 know^ not how, loft all their fire ; they are grown quite cold, and preferve 
 rot the leaft fpark of wrath for the punifhment of the guilty. The 
 wretch who had forfworn himfelf, would be more afraid of the fnufFof a 
 lamp, than the flame of your all-fubduing thunder. The firebrands which 
 you throw, are quenched in fuch a manner, that nobody fears being 
 burned by them ; and all the hurt they can receive from it, is to be co- 
 vered
 
 T I M O N, 29 
 
 vered with fmoke. For this reafon * Salmoneus dared to thunder agalnft 
 you ; and well he might. Man will boldly attempt every wickednefs, whilft 
 Jove Is thiK cold and inadlive. What Ihould hinder him, indeed, when 
 you, as if ftupified by -j- mandragora, are faft afleep : you, who neither 
 hear the perjured, nor obferve the wicked ; blind to every thing about you, 
 and with your ears flopped, like an old dotard. When you were young, 
 lively, and prone to refentment, you never fpared the guilty and oppreflive ; 
 - never made peace or league with them : the lightning was always employed, 
 and the segis fhaken over them. The thunder was for ever rolling, and the 
 ihafts perpetually darting down upon them. Then we had earthquakes in 
 abundance, fnow in heaps, hail like ftones, and, to fpeak plainly to you, 
 mofl: violent and rapid fhowers, and rivers overflowing every day. Witnefs 
 the great deluge in the time of Deucalion, when every thing was funk 
 under water, and only one little boat preferved, which landed on Mount 
 J Lycoris, with the fmall remnant of mankind, faved only to propagate 
 a flill more impious generation. And now you are well rewarded for your 
 indolence ; for nobody facrifices to you, or offers you garlands, except, per- 
 
 * Salmoncusl Salmoneus wr.s the fon of iEolus, and brother to the famous Sifyphus. He 
 conquered all Elis ; and growing, like other conquerors, intoxicated with fuccefs, took it into his 
 head, as Alexander did long after him, that he mull be king of the gods. To prove his di- 
 vinity, he built a large bridge of brafs, over an immenfe plain, and rolled upon it chariots of 
 brafs, by way of imitating Jupiter's thunder ; and that he might alfo have a little good light- 
 ning with it, threw down firebiands from it on a few devoted vi«^ims below. Jupiter, not ap- 
 proving the humour of fo poor a mimic, fent him to Tartarus, Virgil has immortalifed hina 
 in the following lines, in his defcription of the Pagan Hell : 
 
 Vidi crudeles dantem Salmonea pcenas 
 
 Dum flammas Jovis Si fonitus imitatur Olympi. 
 
 f ManJragora,"] Mandragora, or the mandrake, is an herb, or plant, of a cold and narcotic 
 quality, efpceially the root, which is large, and (haped like thofe of parfnip, carrot, white 
 briony, &c. its roots are fometimes forked, which, perhaps, made the fuperflitious imagine 
 they refembled the legs or thighs of men ; Columella therefore calls it femihomo. The idea 
 of its foporific quality is iwdopted by the modern as well as ancient mituraliils, 
 
 ■ not poppy nor mandragora 
 
 Nor all the drowly fyrups of the Eafl, 
 
 Shall ever med'cine thee to tLit fweet fleep 
 
 "Which thou ovved'll yefterday. Shaklpeare's Othello. 
 
 J 7>yfor/j,] A mountain, on which Deucalion and Pyrrha were fuppofed to land after the uni- 
 
 verfal deluge. For a better account of this great event, fee our author's Treatife on the God- 
 
 deis of Syria. 
 
 haps.
 
 30 T I M O N. 
 
 haps, fome perfon at the * Olympic games ; who does it not, becaufe h^ 
 thinks it a duty, but merely becaufe it is an old cuftom. In a little time, moft 
 generous of deities as you are, you will let them dethrone you, as they did 
 Saturn. I forbear mentioning their facrilegious attacks of your temple, 
 or their laying hands even upon yourfeif at Olympia, when you, the 
 great thundcrer, never fo much as fet on the dogs, nor called in your 
 neighbours to help you take the thieves, when they ran away. The noble 
 giant-queller, and conqueror of the -^- Titans, fat quietly, with his thunder- 
 bolt of ten cubits length in his hand, and let them pull the hair off his 
 head. When, O thou great deity ! wilt thou ceafe to pafsover thefe things, 
 or when wilt thou repay this wickednefs ? How many J Phaetons, how 
 many Deucalions will fuffice, to expiate fuch iniquity ? But to leave this 
 general caufe, and come to my own ; I, who have raifed fo many Athe- 
 nians from poverty and mlfery to riches and power, aflifted the indigent, 
 and lavilhed away all my fubftance to make my friends happy, am now 
 myfelf left poor and deftitutc. 1 am not fo much as known by them ; 
 thofe will not condefcend to look upon me, who formerly revered, adored 
 me, and hung upon my nod. If by chance, as I go along, I meet with 
 any of them, they pafs by me as they would by the grave-ftone of a 
 perfon long fince dead, that was worn out, and fallen to decay, as 
 if they had never feen me ; others turn away from me as from a loath- 
 fjme and abhorred fpecftacle, though not long fince they extolled me as 
 their benefadlor and preferver. Reduced, at length, to the utmoft diflrefs, 
 and clothed in a garment made of fkins, I dig this little fpot of earth, 
 
 * Olympic games ;] The Olymp'C games were celebrated in honour of Jupiter, at, or near, 
 the city 01ynipi:i, otherwife called Pifa, upon the river Alpheus, in Peloponnefus. For a full 
 account of them, J refer my readers to Mr. Gilbert Well's excellent diflertation on them, in 
 the third volume of his works, printed for Dodiley, 1776. 
 
 f Tif^ns,] Titan, according to the ancient theogony, was the eldeft Ton of Coelus and Vefta, 
 or heaven and earth ; but getting, it feems, under petticoat government, was perfuaded by 
 his mother to give up his birth-right, no lefs than the empire of the univerfe, to his younge* 
 brother, Saturn, on condition that, in procefs of time, he would cut off the entail, by putting 
 to death all his male heirs, that fo the kingdom might revert to the elder branch ; but dif- 
 corering, fome time after, that, by the artifice of Rhea, three of Saturn's fons had been fe- 
 cretly preferved and educated, he waged war againft his brother, fubdued, and took him and 
 his wife and children prifoners. Jupiter, however, as foon as he arrived at years of ma- 
 turity, fet all his family free again, conquered the Titans, and fent them all to Tartarus. 
 
 X PI)aetons,'\ How many conflagrations, and how many deluges mufl happen, how often 
 mud this wicked world be burned, or drowned, before it will be thoroughly reformed ! 
 
 which
 
 I M O N. 
 
 3« 
 
 which 1 bought for four * oboli. Here do I philofophife, in the defart, with 
 my mattock and fpade. All the happinefs which I enjoy is, that I no 
 longer behold the profperlty of the wicked ; for that would be the worft 
 of evils. At length, therefore, O thou Ton of Saturn and Rhea ! fhake off 
 thy profound and heavy llumbers (for thou haft llept longer than f Epi- 
 menides), light thy bolt at Mount ^Etna, and fend it forth ; let it flame 
 out once more; Ihew the power and indignation of the once ftrong and 
 youthful Jove ; unlefs what the % Cretans fable, concerning thee and thy 
 fcpulture, be a real fadt. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Mercury, who is this Athenian that bellows thus to us from the bottom 
 of Hymettus ? a horrid dirty wretch, and clothed in fkins ; he lays all 
 
 * O^oli ;] As Lucian frequently refers to the Attic monies, the following table will explain 
 the whole to my readers. 
 
 A Table of Sums in Attic Money, with their feveral Proportions to our Own. 
 
 
 /. s. 
 
 ^. 
 
 f- 
 
 20 - - . 
 
 64 1 1 
 
 s 
 
 
 
 6o equal to a talent 
 
 193 IS 
 
 
 
 
 
 T A L E N T A. 
 
 
 
 
 I - - - 
 
 193 1 5' 
 
 
 
 
 
 s - - - 
 
 968 15 
 
 
 
 
 
 ID _ . , 
 
 1937 10 
 
 
 
 
 
 15 
 
 2906 5 
 
 
 
 
 
 20 - - 
 
 3875 
 
 
 
 
 
 lOO 
 
 19375 
 
 
 
 
 
 OBOLI. I. s. d. q. 
 
 1 - - - O O 1 ij 
 
 2 - - - - 0021' 
 
 3 ■ - - 0033?, 
 
 4 - - - - o o 5 o| 
 
 5 . - - o o 6 i5 
 
 6 equal to a drachma 0073 
 
 D R A C H jNI .E. 
 I - - -0073 
 
 10 - - 0652 
 
 100 equal to a mina - 3470 
 
 M I N .E. 
 
 1 - - - 3470 
 
 10 - - - 32 5 10 o 
 
 f 'Epimniidcs] Epimenides, of Crete, lived in the time of Solon. Diogenes Laertius, who 
 tells a great many ftrange tales, informs us that this very extraordinary man was fent, when 
 very young, to take care of fome cattle ; and wandering into a cave, fell into a found lleep, in 
 which he continued for no lefs than feven and forty years. He then awoke, and came home, 
 where he was, with fome difficulty, recognifed by a younger brother, now grown an old man. 
 The ftory of his long nap, being circulated, foon procured him refpetftand admiration. He fet 
 up for a prophet, and lived, according to Cretan tradition, to the age of 289. Credat Judsus. 
 
 X Cretam fahle\ The idea of the fupreme father of gods and men being buried in a tomb, 
 is too abfurd even for Pagan philology ; and of itfelf fufficiently proves the truth of the proverb 
 quoted by St. Paul, of 
 
 Xf>;T£f «£» \l\jrxi 
 
 The Cretans are ahvays liars, 
 
 along 
 
 In the Adelphi of Terence, mention is made 
 
 of a half mina, which in proportion mufthave 
 
 been, - - - - 11232 
 
 The obolus was brafs, the reil were filver.
 
 ^2 T I M O N. 
 
 along upon the earth, and feems to he digging ; fome bold, prating fel- 
 low ; a philofopher, I fuppofe, or he would not have uttered fuch profane 
 fpeeches againft me. j^ ^ r c U R Y. 
 
 Don't you know Timon, the Col)-ttian, the fon of Echecratides ; he who 
 ufed fo often to treat us with the choiceft vidims ; that grew fo rich on a 
 fudden, and facrificed whole hecatombs ; the man that celebrated the feafts 
 of Jupiter with fo much fplendor ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Alas ! Alas I What a change is here ! Is this our honefl Timon, the 
 rich man, that had fo many friends about him ; how happens it that he 
 appears thus dirty and miferable ; digging the earth, for hire, I imagine, by 
 the heavinefs of his fpade ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 To fpeak the truth, his probity, humanity, and charity to the poor, have 
 been the ruin of him ; or rather, in fadt, his own folly, eafinefs of difpo- 
 fition, and want of judgement in his choice of friends : he never difcovered 
 that he was giving away his all to wolves and ravens. Whilfl thefe vul- 
 turs were preying upon his liver, he thought them his bell friends, and 
 that they fed upon him out of pure love and affedion. After they had 
 gnawed him all round, ate his bones bare, and, if there was any marrow 
 in them, fucked it carefully out, they left him, cut down to the roots and 
 withered ; and fo far from relieving or aflifting him in their turns, would 
 not fo much as know or look upon him. This has made him turn digger ; 
 and here, in his fkin garment, he tills the earth for hire ; afhamed to Ihew 
 himfclf in the city, and venting his rage againft the ingratitude of thofe, 
 who, enriched as they had been by him, now proudly pafs along, and 
 know not whether his name is Timon. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 He is not to be defpifed or neglcdlcd, and has but too much reafon 
 to complain. Confidcring his condition, I fhould be as bad as thofe exe- 
 crable flatterers, were I to forget a man who has offered up fo many fat 
 bullocks and goats on my altars ; the fweet favour of which ftill fmelleth 
 in my noftrils. But 1 have had fo much bufinefs of late, what with falfe 
 fvveartrs, thieves, and plunderers ; and, above all, thofe who commit fa- 
 crilcge, who are very numerous, and keep me always on the watch, that 
 
 I have
 
 T I M O N. 3^ 
 
 I have not, for a long time, turned my eyes towards Athens ; never, in- 
 deed, fince philofophy and difpute became fo rife among them ; infomuch 
 that their fighting and fquabbling made fuch a noife and clamour, that I 
 could not hear the prayers of mortals, fo that I was forced either to fhut 
 my ears, or to be torn in pieces by thofe who bellow out about virtue, 
 incorporeal natures, and I know not what. Hence it happened that this 
 man efcaped me, though he ought by no means to be neglecfted. Go, 
 therefore. Mercury, to him immediately ; take Plutus along with you, 
 and let him carry a large treafure : let both remain with Timon, and not 
 leave him fo eafily as they did before, though, from his generofity, he 
 fhould again endeavour to turn them out of doors. As to thofe ungrate- 
 ful parafites, I fhall think about them hereafter, and reward them accord- 
 ing to their merit, as foon as I have repaired my lightning ; for two of 
 my befl rays were blunted the other day, which I launched with a little 
 too much vehemence againft the fophifl * Anaxagoras, who was perfuading 
 his followers that there were no gods. I milled him, indeed, for Pericles 
 held out his hand to proteft him ; the thunder-bolt fell upon the temple of 
 Caflor and Pollux, fet it on fire, and fplit it all in pieces. Their punifli- 
 ment, however, in the mean time, will be fufficient in feeing Timon made 
 
 rich again. 
 
 MERCURY 
 
 How necefTary it is to be impudent, clamorous, and importunate ; not 
 to lawyers only, but to every one that has any thing to afk ! Behold this 
 Timon, from a beggar becomes a rich man ; he has got Jupiter over to 
 his fide, merely by dint of clamour and abufe ; whereas, if he had con- 
 tinued digging, and faid nothing, he might have dug on for life without be- 
 ing taken any notice of. 
 
 PLUTUS. 
 
 Jupiter, I'll not go near him. 
 
 * Jfiaxagoras,'] This philofopher, who, in an age of ignorance, had fome imperfect Idea or" 
 the true God, held, in oppofition to the received opinion, that the world was governed by an 
 eternal and omnipotent Spirit. For this he was accufed, by the fophifts of his time, of atheifm 
 2nd idolatry. Pericles, the famous orator, ftrenuoully defended him. Lucian's image of Ju- 
 piter's ftriking at him, and, on Pericles' turning off the blow, fetting the temple of Caftor and 
 Pollux on fire, is, to the lall degree, humorous and fevere. 
 
 Vol. I. F JUPITER.
 
 T I M O N. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 * Not when I command you ? Why fo ? Plutus ? 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 Becaufe he has ufed me very ill, cafl me away from him, and fplit me 
 
 into a thoufand pieces ; nay, though I was like a father to him, beat me, 
 
 as I may fay, out of doors ; threw me out of his hand, as a man would 
 
 ferve a hot burning coal : and fhall I go again to him to be fquandered 
 
 away upon whores and parafites ? No : fend me to thofe who wifh for, 
 
 who will embrace me, and know my value ; not fuch flupid animals as 
 
 thefe, who make a league with Poverty, whom they prefer to mc ; get a 
 
 garment of ikins and a fpade from her, and are glad to earn four farthings 
 
 by digging, though once they could give away ten talents without re- 
 
 ludtance. _ „ 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Timon will never ferve you fo again -, his fpade has taught him, by this 
 time (unlefs his belly is famine-proof), that you are much more defirable 
 than Poverty. But the truth is, you are a querulous malecontent, finding 
 fault with Timon for opening his doors, and letting you go where you 
 will, inftead of being jealous of, and fhutting you up at home ; and yet, 
 fometimes, you ufed to be angry with the rich, for confining you with 
 bars, bolts, and feals, in fuch a manner that you could never fee the light. 
 This you lamented to me, and complained that you were buried in utter 
 darknefs. I have met you pale and full of care, with your fingers con- 
 tradted, and threatening to run away from them the firft opportunity. 
 Such a horrible thing did you count it to be locked up, like Danae, in a 
 brazen or iron cheft, or let out by a fet of wretches on vile ufury. They 
 aded abfurdly, you faid, in loving you beyond meafure ; and though they 
 poflefled, not enjoying the objedl of their affedtion, but always watching 
 and fixing their eyes on the locks and the bolts that contained it, think- 
 ing it happinefs fufficient to gaze upon it ; not becaufe they made ufe of 
 
 * Not ivhen I command you^ t^c.'\ Shakfpeare, in his Timon, fays, 
 
 Plutus, the god of riches, 
 
 Was but his llevvard. 
 I would advife my learned readers to turn to the Plutus of Arlftophanes, and compare it with 
 
 Lucian's Timon. 
 
 It
 
 T I M O N. 35 
 
 it themfelves, but that they could prevent others from making any of it; 
 like the dog in the manger, who would neither eat the corn himfelf, nor 
 fufFer the hungry horfe to feed upon it. How you ufed to laugh at thofe 
 that carked and fpared ; and, what was mod ridiculous, were jealous even 
 of themfelves ! little thinking that a wicked fervant, a fteward, or their 
 children's tutor, might come privately, rob them of their all, and then 
 laugh at the poor miferable matter, who, perhaps, was fitting by his 
 dingy lamp, brooding over his imaginary treafure. How abfurd is it in 
 you, who ufed to talk in this manner, now to rail at Timon ! 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 If you would take the pains, notvvithflanding, to enquire into the truth, 
 you would find I was right in both : for Timon's extravagance, with re- 
 gard to me, was not benevolence, but folly ; and as to thofe who lock me 
 up in darknefs, and take fo much pains to make me fatter and bigger, and 
 fwell me to an immenfe fize, and, at the fame time, never touch me 
 themfelves, nor bring me to the light, for fear I fhould be feen by others, 
 I look upon them as madmen; and think they treat me very ill, who never 
 did them any harm, when they let me grow mouldy in prifon, without 
 confidering how foon I may leave them, and go away to fome other of 
 Fortune's favourites. Wherefore I neither commend them, nor fuch as 
 part from me too eafily ; but thofe only, who, obferving the true medium, 
 neither totally abftain from, nor entirely devour me. For I would afk you, 
 Jupiter, whether if a man were to marry a young and beautiful wife, and 
 afterwards Ihould never watch or be jealous of her, but give her leave to 
 go wherever ftie would, night and day, and keep company with whom fhe 
 pleafed, nay, fliould open his doors, invite every body in, and expofe her 
 to proftitution, would you believe this man loved her ? You, who know 
 what love is, could never think it : or if a man takes a fine blooming 
 girl home, in order to have children by her, and then never touches her, 
 nor permits any body elfe fo much as to look at her ; himfelf, at the fame 
 time, a poor emaciated wretch, with his eyes funk in his head, and yet 
 pretending to be fond of her ; would not you call fuch a fellow mad, who, 
 inftead of enjoying the pleafures of matrimony, Ihould let a fvveet and 
 beautiful creature pine away her whole life in virginity, like a prieftefs 
 of Ceres ? And have not I the fame reafon to complain, who am kicked and 
 
 F 2 cuffed,
 
 r T I M O N. 
 
 cuffed, and torn to pieces by fome, and treated by others like a run- 
 away thief, and laid by the heels ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 And yet, after all, you have no reafon to be fo angry ; for they are 
 all of them fufficiently punilhed. The one, like Tantalus, neither eat 
 nor drink, but ftand, with their mouths open, catching at their beloved 
 treafure. Whilft the other, like * Phineus, fee it fnatched out of their 
 jaws by harpies. But get away now to Timon : you will find him, by this 
 
 time, quite another man. 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 I Ihall only run through his wicker bafket ; he will pour me out faflcr 
 than I can flow in, as if he was afraid I fliould overwhelm him. I may 
 as well get into the Danaid's tub, as into a veffel that will hold no li- 
 quor ; fo wide are his gaps, and his doors fo open. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 But if he does not fill up thefe gaps, and flop the current, when it is 
 
 all run out, he may chance to find his blanket and fpade at the bottom 
 
 of the cafk. But, away with you, and make him rich once more. Do 
 
 you, Mercury, remember to call on the Cyclops at Mount ^tna, and 
 
 bring him here to fliarpen the points of my lightning, for I fliall want to 
 
 make ufe of it. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Come, Plutus, let us be gone. How is this ? limping : I did not know 
 you were lame as well as blind. 
 
 PLUTUS. 
 I am not always fo. Mercury ; but whenever Jupiter fends me to any 
 body, I do not know how it is, but I am generally tardy, and hop a 
 littie; fo that fometimes the perfon that expeds me, grows old before I 
 get to him. Whereas, when I take my leave, I have wings fwifter than 
 a bird; no fooner are the doors unbarred, than, like a conqueror in the 
 race, I fly over the whole courfe at a leap, and am fcarce feen by the fpec- 
 tators. 
 
 * Pbiiieus,] Phineus was a king of Thrace ; he married Cleopatra, daughter of Boreas, by 
 whom he had two fons, Plinippus and Pandion ; growing tired of his firft wife, he repudiated 
 her to make way for another, who perfuaded him to put out the eyes of his two fons. The 
 gods puniflied him for this crime with blindnefs, and moreover gave him up to the harpies to 
 be tormented by them. 
 
 M E R-
 
 T I M O N. 37 
 
 MERCURY. 
 That is falfe ; for I could mencion feveral who had not a farthing over 
 night to buy a halter with, and next day lived in riches and fplendor ; 
 were drawn in their chariots by white horfes, though a little before they 
 were not worth a jack-afs : fome I have feen clothed in purple, and rolling 
 in money, who could hardly believe it themfelves, and thought it came to 
 them in a dream. 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 That is quite another affair, Mercury ; I did not walk on my own 
 feet then, but was carried; not Jupiter, but* Pluto, the god of riches, 
 as his name imports, fent me to them ; thefe people, when I am to pafs 
 from one to the other, put me into their wills, feal me up carefully, and 
 carry me about in a bag. When the poffeiTor dies, he is thrown into 
 fome dark corner of the houfe, and covered with a rag of old linen, 
 where the cats fight for him. Mean time, the wifhful heir gapes after me, 
 like young fwallows after the old bird that is flying round them ; at 
 length, when the feal is taken off, the ribbon untied, and the will opened, 
 my new matter's name appears ; perhaps fome relation, perhaps a parafite, 
 or dirty flave, who had curried favour by fervile adulation, fome pander to 
 his pleafures, who now enjoys the rewards of his infamous fervice, who 
 immediately feizes on me and the will together, and runs off; chano-es 
 his name, and, inftead of Byrria, -j- Dromo, or Tibius, now takes the 
 name of Megacles, or Megabyzus, or Protarchus : leaving the reft of the 
 expeftants gaping and looking at one another in filent forrow ; grievino- 
 with great fincerity, that fo fine and fat a fifh fhould efcape out of their 
 net. He feizes immediately upon me, and, though the wretch has hardly 
 forgot the terrors of a whip and goal, falls upon every body he meets, 
 and beats his fellow-fervants motl unmercifully, by way of retaliation ; 
 till, at length, falling into the hands of Ibme rapacious harlot, turnino- 
 horfe-racer, or becoming a prey to flatterers, who fwear he is handfomer 
 
 * Pli^tc,] Pluto, the god of hell, was called n?ioi7c^oT>;;, the giver of riches; probably be- 
 caufe the fearchers after gold and filver penetrate into the bowels of the earth, and even to the 
 center of it, his dominions, for hidden treafure. Lucian therefore means, that thofe who 
 grow rich fo very fuddenly, are indebted for it not to him, but to the god of mines, the in- 
 fernal deity, for their riches. 
 
 f Di07nj^ ^t-.] Names generally given to flaves. 
 
 than
 
 38 T I M O N. 
 
 than • Ninus, better born than -j- Codrus or Cecrops, wifer than UlyfTcs, 
 and richer than fifteen Crocfufes ; in a very fhort fpace of time, he lavishes 
 away all that trcafure which he had been fcraping np for fo many years 
 by rapine, perjury, and extortion. 
 
 M E R C U R Y. 
 It is often, indeed, as you fay : but when you go of your own accord, 
 blind as you are, how do you do to find your way ; or, when Jupiter fends 
 you to any body, how do you diftinguifli fo as to know whether they are 
 deferving of his bounty, and the perfons he means to oblige ? 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 Do you think I can always find that out ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 By Jove, very feldom, or you would not pafs by Ariftides, and go to 
 Hipponicus, Callias, and many others, who do not deferve a fingle far- 
 thino". But how do you do when you are fent abroad ? 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 I run up and down, from place to place, till I light on fomebody by 
 mere chance ; and whoever he is that comes firfl in my way, has me, 
 takes me home with him, and pays his adorations to you for his unex- 
 
 Dedted good fortune. 
 
 ^ ^ MERCURY. 
 
 Jupiter then is deceived all the while in imagining that you beflow 
 riches on thofe only whom he thinks deferving of them ! 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 And deceived he ought to be, when he knows I am ftone blind, to 
 fend me out in fearch oi a thing that is no longer to be found upon earth ; 
 
 * Than Nifius,] Ninus, the fon of Lharopus and Aglae, brought three ftiips to the fiege of 
 Troy, and is celebrated by Hon er for his extraordinary beauty. 
 Three fliips with Ninus, fought the Trojan fliore, 
 Ninus, whom Aglae to Charopus bore, 
 Ninus, in faultlefs Ihape and blooming grace, 
 The lovelieft youth of all the Grecian race ; 
 Pelides only match'd his early charms. 
 But few his troops, and fmall his ftrength in arms. 
 
 Pope's Iliad, b. il. 1. 8r^. 
 
 f CodruSf i^c] Cecrops was the founder of Athens, and Codrus the laft king of it. 
 
 or
 
 T I M O N. 39 
 
 or at lead fo fcarce and fo fmall, that a * Lynceus could not eafily difcover 
 it. When the good are fo rarely to be met with, and the bad fo nu- 
 merous and fo fortunate, it is no wonder I fhould fall fo perpetually in the 
 way of, and be caught by them. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 But how happens it, that when you leave them, you get off fo ex- 
 peditioufly, though you cannot poflibly know the way ? 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 Then have I the ufe both of my eyes and feet, whenever I find an op- 
 portunity of flying away from them. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 One thing more I .vould al'k you : how cimes it about that, with that 
 pale vifage, without eyes rf)r blind yoj are), and fo weak in the ancles, 
 you have fo ma-y adni re s •> A^\ the world feems in love with you ; 
 happy are thofe who enjoy you, and to thofe who canmt, life is burthen- 
 fome : many have I known (o deeply fmirten with you, as to caft them- 
 felves from a high rock do^vn into the wide ocean, only becaufe you 
 fecmed to flight and take no notice of them. Though, at the fame time, 
 I believe you will confefs, if you know any thing of yourfelf, that they 
 are little better than madmen in entertaining fo ridiculous a paflion. 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 Do you think I appear to them fuch as I really am, blind and lame, 
 and with all thofe imperfed:ions about me ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Why not, unlefs they are as blind as yourfelf ? 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 They are not blind, my friend ; but that ignorance and follv, which is 
 now become univerfal, darkens their underftanciing : add to this, that to 
 hide as much as poffible my deformity, I put on a beautiful mafk, co- 
 vered with gold and jewels, and appear to them in a robe of various co- 
 lours ; they, imagining that they are beholding true and native beauty, 
 fall moft miferably in love with, and die if they do not pofTefs me ; 
 
 * A Lynceus] Lynceus was the fon of Aphaneus, king of Meflenia, and one of the Argo- 
 nauts. This hero, according to Pindar, had fuch piercing eyes, that he faw Caftor, from an 
 immenfe diiknce, in the trunk of a tree. Other authors carry the matter flill farther, and af- 
 firm that he could fee into the bowels of the earth, 
 
 though.
 
 40 T I M O N. 
 
 thougb, if I was fairly ftripped naked before them, they would con- 
 demn their own bliadnefs in loving any thing fo unlovely and difguftful. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 But when they are grow'n rich, and, by virtue of this fame mafk, 
 you have happened to deceive them ; how happens it, that, rather than 
 part with the mafk, they would fooner loofe their head ? When they look 
 on the infide, it is impoflibie but they mufl: fee it is nothing but the de- 
 ception of the gold. 
 
 P L U T U S. ^ 
 
 In that cafe, Mercury, there are many things in my favour. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 What are they ? 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 No fooner you muft know, docs the happy man open his doors to 
 me, but with me rufh in unfeen, Pride, Folly, Madnefs, Fraud, Infolence, and 
 a thoufand more; thefe take immediate polTeffion of his foul : he admires 
 every thing that Ihould not be admired, and purfues every thing that 
 he ouo-ht to avoid : dotes on me who brought all the evil upon him ; and 
 would fuffer any thing rather than be forced to part from me, 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 But you are fo fmooth and llippery, that when you are upon the wing, 
 there is no fuch thing as laying hold of you ; you flip aw^ay, fome how, 
 through the fingers, like an eel; whilft Poverty, on the other hand, is 
 glutinous, and flicks clofe ; and has fo many crooked hooks all over her 
 body, that if once you touch, you cannot eafily get rid of her. But whilft 
 we are prating here, we have forgot the main point. 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 What's that ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 The treafnre we were to have brought along with us, which is moft 
 
 eflcntially neceffary. 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 Make yourfelf eafy about that : when I come up to you, I always leave 
 that behind me fafc under ground, fhut the door, and command the 
 earth to open to none, without my orders. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Let us away then for Attica j and do you hold faft by my coat, till we 
 come to our journey's end. 
 
 P L U-
 
 T I M O N. 4x 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 You are in the right to keep me clofe by you ; for, if you fhould fet me 
 free, perhaps I might go aftray, and blunder upon Cleon or Hyperbolus. 
 But what is this noife, like the clinking of iron upon a Hone ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 It is Timon, digging up a piece of rocky land hard by us ; and fee 
 
 along with him is Poverty, and Labour, and Strength, and Fortitude and 
 
 Wifdom, all driven thither by Hunger ; a body-guard flronger^ I am afraid 
 
 than your's. 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 Mercury, let us be gone immediately : we can do no good to a man that 
 
 is furrounded with fuch an army. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Jove thinks otherwife : therefore come along, and fear nothing. 
 
 POVERTY. 
 
 Whither, Mercury, are you leading this friend of yours ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 To Timon : we are fent by Jupiter. 
 
 POVERTY. 
 
 Shall Plutus then come to Timon at laft, after I have taken him under 
 my protedtion, corrupted as he was with Sloth and Luxury ; configned him 
 over to the wholefome inftrudtion of Labour, and Wifdom, and rendered him 
 a man of worth and character ? Will you thus defpife and affront me, as 
 to rob me of my only poffeffion, the man whom, with fo much care, I had 
 formed to virtue; to throw him into the hands of Plutus, who will foon 
 make him as idle and wicked as ever he was ; and, when he is good for 
 nothing, will give him me back again. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Such, O Poverty, is the will of Jove. 
 
 POVERTY. 
 
 Then, I take my leave. Do you, Labour, Wifdom, and the reft of you, 
 follow me : foon Ihall he know the value of her whom he has loft, his beft 
 friend and inftrudtor, with whom, while he dwelt with me, he enjoyed a 
 found mind and healthful body, lived as a man ought to live, and had an 
 eye upon his own condudt, looking on every thing elfe, as they really are, 
 as fuperfluous and unneceflary. 
 
 Vol. I. G ME R-
 
 42 T I M O N. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 They are gone ; let us approach him. 
 
 T I M O N. 
 Who are you, rafcals ? and what do you want here ? to diflurb a poor 
 labouring man in his bufmefs : but you fhall not return unrewarded, a par- 
 cel of fcoundrels as you are, for I fhall pelt you handfomely with thefc 
 
 flones, 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Softly, good Timon, we are no mortals : this is Plutus, and I am Mer- 
 cury. Jupiter heard your prayers, and fent us to you : accept therefore of 
 his bounties, ceafe from your labour, and be happy. 
 
 TIMON. 
 If ye are gods, as ye fay, you wdll fare never the better ; for, know, I hate 
 both gods and men: and as for this blind wretch, whoever he is, I will cer- 
 tainly knock him on the head with my fpade. 
 
 PLUTUS, 
 For heaven's fake, Mercury, let us be gone for fear of accidents ; this 
 
 fellow appears to me to be ftark mad. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Timon, lay afide this favage difpofition ; embrace your good fortune, be 
 once more rich, the prince of Athens, and defpife the ungrateful wretches 
 
 who defer ted you. 
 
 TIMON. 
 
 Diflurb me not : I have no need of you : my fpade is all the riches I de- 
 
 fire, and I Ihall efteem myfelf the moft happy of men if none will come 
 
 near me. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 And art thou thus diverted of all humanity ? and mufl: I 
 
 * Bear this fierce anfwer to the king of gods ? 
 
 Men, indeed, from whom thou hafl received fo many Injuries, might be 
 hateful ; but not the gods, who have been fo indulgent to thee. ' 
 
 TIMON. 
 To you, Mercury, and to Jupiter, for your care of me, I acknowlege 
 my obligations.; but as for this Plutus, I will by no means accept of him. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Why fo ? 
 
 * Bear thisy fe'r.] From Homer, fee Pope's tranflation, b. xv. I. 205. 
 
 TIMON.
 
 T 1 M O N. 43 
 
 T I M O N. 
 
 Becaufe he was the author of all my paft misfortunes, gave me up to flat- 
 terers, and evil counfellors, corrupted mc with perpetual temptations, and 
 rendered me the objedt of hatred and of envy ; but, above all, becaufe he 
 bafely and perfidioufly dcferted me. Poverty, on the other hand, my beft 
 and truefl friend, exercifed me with wholefome labours, fupplied me with 
 what was neceflary, and taught me to contemn every thing fuperfluous, and 
 to rely upon myfelf alone ; Ihewed me what true riches were, thofe trea- 
 fures, which neither the fawning fycophant, nor the angry multitude, the 
 time-ferving orator, nor the enfnaring tyrant, can ever wrell from me. Thus 
 whilft with pleafure I till this little field, a Itranger to all the vices of public 
 life, my fpade moft abundantly fupplies me with every thing that is really 
 neceflary. Return therefore, good Mercury, the way you came, and carry 
 Plutus back with you to Jupiter. I fliall be fatisfied if he makes fools of 
 all mankind, as he has of me. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 It is not every one, Timon, that can bear the trial fo well as you have : 
 but leave off, I beg you, this foolifli, childifli refentmenr, and receive 
 him : the gifts of Jove are not to be rejeded. 
 
 PLUTUS. 
 
 Will you, without flying in a paflion, give me leave to plead my own 
 
 caufe ? 
 
 T I M O N. 
 
 Plead away; but let us have none of your long prefaces in the oratorial 
 
 ftyle : I will liflen to you a little, for the fake of my friend Mercury here. 
 
 PLUTUS. 
 You ought to hear a great deal from me, for you have abufed me pretty 
 handfomely. I cannot conceive how I could ever, though you fay it, have 
 done you any injury ; I, who heaped honours, titles, crowns, everything 
 that was good and defirable upon you ; through me you became confpicuous 
 and refpedtable. If you fuffered from flatterers, it was not my fault. 1 have 
 more reafon to be angry with you, for throwing me away in fo fliamcful a 
 manner, on wretches who fawned upon, and betrayed you, and laid fo 
 many fnares to entrap me. As to your lafl: accufation, of my deferting you, 
 I may retort it with juftice on yourfelf ; as you very well know that you 
 abfolutely drove me away, and turned me headlong out of doors ; v;hen 
 
 G 2 your
 
 r I M O N. 
 
 vour dear friend, Poverty, inftead of the fine foft garment you ufed to wear, 
 wrapoed vou up in this blanket. Mercury here is my vvitnefs, how earneft- 
 Iv I cntr:ited Jupiter, not to fend me to a man who had thus treated me as 
 
 his enemy. 
 
 ^ T I M O N. 
 
 Mercury, I will obey, and be rich again, fi nee the gods will have it fo; 
 but take care what you compel me to : hitherto I have been happy and inno- 
 cent : fo much riches, on a fudden, and fo much care, I fear, will make 
 
 me miferable. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 For my fake, Timon, accept the burthen ; if it be only to make thofe 
 rafcally flatterers of your's burft with envy. I Ihall immediately to ^tna, 
 and from thence to heaven. \_Mercury flies off, 
 
 P L U T U S. 
 
 Mercury, I imagine, by the fluttering of his wings, is off: do you work 
 on, and I will fend you the money ; but dig away now. Treafure, I com- 
 mand thee, lifl:en to Timon, and put yourfelf in his way : Timon, go on, 
 work as hard as you can. I fliall take my leave. 
 
 TIMON. 
 
 Now, fpade, exert thyfelf, nor give out till thou hafl: called forth this 
 treafure into light. O Jupiter, thou great worker of miracles, you, ye 
 friendly * corybantes, and thou, wealth-difpenfing -j- Mercury, whence all 
 this gold ? Is this a dream ? When I awake I fear I fliall find nothing but 
 coals : it is, it muft be gold, fine, yellow, noble gold, heavy, fweet to be- 
 hold. 
 
 Richeft offspring of the mine. 
 
 Gold, like fire, whofe flafliing rays 
 From afar confpicuous gleam. 
 Through night's involving cloud. 
 
 See Pindar's firfl: Olympic Ode. 
 
 Burning, like fire, thou fliinefl: day and night : come to me, thou dear de- 
 lightful treafure : now do I believe that % Jove himfelf was once turned into 
 
 gold: 
 
 * Corylantesy'] The corybantes were priefts of Cybele. Many reafons are affigned by the 
 commentators, but no fatisfadory one, why Timon fhould call upon them. 
 
 f Mercury,'] Mercury was always reckoned the god of gain. 
 
 X That Jove, Uc/] Alluding to the ftory of Jupiter and Daiiae. When Timon finds the 
 gold, Shakfpear makes him fay, 
 
 — What's
 
 T I M O N. 45 
 
 gold : what virgin would not fpread forth her bofom to receive fo beautiful a 
 lover? O Midas, Croefus, and all ye Delphic offerings, how little are ye, 
 when compared to Timon, and his riches ? The Perfian king cannot boafl 
 of equal affluence. You, my fpade and blanket, Ihall be hung up as my vo- 
 tive acknowlegements to the great deity. I will purchafe fome retired fpor, 
 there build a tower to keep my gold in, and live for myfelf alone ; this fhall 
 be my habitation; and, when I am dead, my fepulchre alfo : from this 
 time forth, it is my fixed refolution, to have no commerce or conned:ion 
 with mankind, but to defpife and avoid it : I will pay no regard to ac- 
 quaintance, frlendfliip, pity, or compaffion : to pity the diftrtffed, or to 
 relieve the indigent, I Ihall confider as a weaknefs, nay, as a crime : my 
 life, like the beafts of the field, lliall be Tpent in folitude, and Timon alone 
 ihall be Timon's friend. I will treat all befide as enemies and betrayers ; to 
 converfe with them were profanation, to herd with them impiety : accurfcd 
 be the day that brings them to my fight : I will look upon men, in fhort, as 
 no more than fo many ftatues of brafs or ftone ; will make no truce, have no 
 connection with them : my retreat Ihall be the boundary to feparate us for 
 ever. Relations, friends, and country, are empty names, refpedted by 
 fools alone. Let Timon only be rich, and defpife all the world bcflde ; ab- 
 horring idle praife, and odious flatter)^, he ihall be delighted with himfelf 
 alone : alone ihall he facrifice to the gods, feaft alone, be his own neigh- 
 bour, and his own companion. I am determined to be alone for life, and, 
 when I die, to place the crown on my own head ; the faireft name I would 
 wiih to be diftinguifhed by, is that of mifanthrope. I would be known and 
 marked out by my afperity of manners, by morofenefs, cruelty, anger, and 
 inhumanity. Were I to fee a man periihing in the ilames, and imploring me 
 to extinguifh them, I would throw pitch or oil into the fire to encreafe it : 
 or, if the winter flood ihould overwhelm another, who, with outftretched 
 hands ihould beg me to affift him, I would plunge him flill deeper in the 
 ilream, that he might never rife again ; thus fhall I be revenged of mankind, 
 
 — What's here ? 
 Gold, yellow, glittering, precious gold ? Why this 
 Will lug your priefts and fervants from your lides ; 
 Will knit and break religions, blefs the accurs'd. 
 Make the hoar leprofy adored, place thieves. 
 And give them title, knee, and approbation, 
 With fenators on the bench, Shakfpear's Timon, a^ iv. fcene iii. 
 
 this
 
 46 T I T.I O N. 
 
 this is Timon's h\v, and this hath Timon ratified ; thus it is determined, 
 and this I will abide by. I fliould be glad, however, that all might know 
 how I abound in riches, bccaufe that, 1 know, will make them miferable. 
 But hufh ! whence all this noiie and hurry ? What cro'.vds are here, all 
 covered with duft, and out of breath ; fome how or other they have fmelt 
 out the gold. Shall I get upon this hill, and pelt them from it with ftones, 
 or fliall I, for once, break my rcfolution, and have fome conference with 
 them ? It will make them more unhappy, when they find how I defpife 
 them; this will be the bcil method ; I will ftay, therefore, and receive 
 them. Ha! who is that, the firft of them ? O, it is * Gnathonides, who, 
 but the other day, when I afked him for a fupper, held out a rope; 
 though he had emptied many a caik with me. I am glad he is come, for 
 he fliall firft feel my rcfentment. 
 
 GNATHONIDES. 
 Said I not, the gods would not long forget fo goi^d a man as Timon ? 
 hail, Timon ! hail, thou faireft, fvveeteft, moft convivial of men ! 
 
 TIMON. 
 
 Hail to thee, Gnathonides, thou moft rapacious of all vulturs, thou moft 
 
 deteftable of all human beings ! 
 
 GNATHONIDES. 
 
 Thou wert alwa\ s a lover of raillery and farcafm ; but where is the feaft? 
 
 for I have brought you a new fong out of the -|- Dithyrambics, which I lately 
 
 learned. 
 
 TIMON. 
 
 I Ihall teach you foon, by the help of this fpade, to fing fome mournful 
 
 elegies, I believe. iBeats hhn, 
 
 GNATHONIDES. 
 
 What now ! Timon, do you ftrlke me ? Bear witnefs, Hercules ! O me ! 
 
 O me ! but I will call you into the Areopagus for this, 
 
 ^ Gnathonides^'] It is obfervable, that Terence, in the Eunuch, calls his parafite Gnatho, 
 and, as if it were a new name, makes him fay, after the converfation between him and the in» 
 ferior flatterer, 
 
 I bade him follow me, 
 And, r.s the fchools of the philofophera 
 Have ta'en from the philofophers their names, 
 So, in like manner, let all parafites 
 
 Be call'd from me, Gnathonics. Colman's Terence, p., 130. 
 
 f Dithyrambics^'] Hymns in honour of Bacchus, who was called Dithyrambus, for a reafon 
 too ridiculous to deferve an explanation to the Englifh reader. 
 
 TIMON.
 
 I M O N. 
 
 47 
 
 T I M O N. 
 Stay a little only, and you may bring me in guilty of murther. 
 
 [^Beats him agahu 
 GNATHONIDES. 
 
 By no means ; you need only heal my wounds, by fprinkling a little gold 
 upon them; it is the beft thing in the world for flopping the blood. 
 
 T I M O N. 
 
 So you will flay here yet ? 
 
 GNATHONIDES. 
 
 I am gone, and a curfe on you for changing from an honefl fellow to fuch 
 
 a fa V age ! 
 
 T I IVI O N. 
 
 Who is this coming to us with his bald pate ? O, it is that moft villain- 
 ous of all flatterers, Philiades ; he whom I gave a large piece of ground to, 
 and two talents for his daughter's portion, for praifing my finging, when no 
 body elfe would, and fwearing that I was more mufical than a fvvan : and 
 yet, afterwards, when I was fick the other day, and implored his afliflance, 
 the wretch fell upon and beat me. 
 
 PHILIADES. 
 
 O impudence ! now ye will know Timon again, now Gnathonides will 
 be his friend and companion : but he is rightly ferved for his ingratitude. 
 We, who are his old friends, countrymen, and playfellows, fhall behave a 
 little more modeflly, and not rufh upon him with fo much rudenefs and in- 
 civility. Hail, my noble maflei ! take proper notice, I befeech you, of thefe 
 vile flatterers, who never come near but to devour you, like fo many ravens ; 
 but in this age there is no trufting to any body ; they are all bafe and un- 
 grateful. I was coming here to bring you a talent, to fupply you with ne- 
 cefTaries, but was informed by the way that you have got riches in abundance 
 of your own : I came on, however, to caution you againft thefe people ; 
 though you want, indeed, no fuch monitor as I am; you, who are able to 
 give advice to Neflor himfelf. 
 
 TIMON. 
 
 May be fo : but pray come a little nigher, that I may compliment you 
 
 with my fpade. 
 
 PHILIADES. 
 
 Friends, neighbours, help here ! this ungrateful man has broke my head, 
 
 only for giving him good advice. 
 
 TIMON,
 
 g T I M O N. 
 
 T I M O N. 
 
 So : here comes a third ; Demeas, the orator, with a decree in his hand : 
 he pretends to be one of my neareft relations. He was bound to the flate 
 for feventeen talents, and, unable to pay it, was condemned, when I took 
 pity on, and redeemed him; and yet, when he was employed to diftribute 
 the public money to our tribe, and I afked him for my ihare of it, he de- 
 clared he did not know I was a citizen. 
 
 D E M E A S. 
 Hail, Timon ! the chief fupport of thy noble family, the defence of 
 Athens' and the bulwark of all Greece. The fenate and people affembled 
 await thy prefence ; but firft hear the decree which I have drawn up concern- 
 ing thee : 
 
 '' Whereas Timon, the Colyttenfian, fon of Echechratides, not only the 
 bed, and worthieft, but the wifeft, and moft learned man in Greece, hath, 
 during his whole life, ftudied to deferve well of the commonwealth ; and 
 hath.'^moreover, in one day, gained the prize in boxing, wreflling, and the 
 foot-race ; a vidor at the Olympic games, both on foot, on horfeback, and 
 
 in the chariot ." ^ , t^/t /-» xr 
 
 TIMON. 
 
 I never fo much as faw the Olympic games in all my life. 
 
 D E M E A S. 
 
 No matter for that, you may fee them fome time or other; thefe things 
 
 muft be inferted : " Moreover, whereas laft year he fought valiantly for the 
 
 republic, againft the Acharnenfians, and cut off two Peloponnefian bat- 
 
 tahons." 
 
 TIMON. 
 
 How is that ? when I never bore arms, or entered my name as a foldier ? 
 
 D E M E A S. 
 Your modefly is pleafed to fay fo, but we Ihould be very ungrateful to 
 forget your fervices. " He hath, moreover, been of no fmall advantage to the 
 ilate in drawing up decrees, in councils, and in the adminiftration of mili- 
 tary affairs : wherefore, it hath feemed meet to the fenate, magiflracy, and 
 people here alTembled, to all and every one of them, that a golden ftatue 
 of Timon fliould be placed in the Acropolis, next to Minerva, with rays 
 over his head, and a thunder-bolt in his hand ; that he be crowned with 
 feven golden crowns : that this Ihall be proclaimed at the theatre, by new 
 
 tragedians.
 
 T I M O N. 49 
 
 tragedians, appointed for that purpofe, this very day in the * Dio- 
 nyfia, for they Ihall be celebrated this day on his account. Demeas the 
 orator propofed this decree, a near relation and follower of the faid 
 Timon, who is, moreover, himfelf an excellent orator, and indeed 
 every thing elfe, which he hath a mind to be." This is the decree. I wifh 
 I had brought my fon with me, whom I have called Timon after your 
 
 name. _ ^^ 
 
 TIMON. 
 
 How can that be, Demeas, when to my knowlege you were never mar- 
 ried ? 
 
 DEMEAS. 
 
 True: but I intend to be next year, and get a boy, (for a boy it fliall be), 
 
 and I will call him Timon. 
 
 TIMON. 
 
 In the mean time I fhall fo bruife you that 1 do not know whether you 
 will be able to marry or not. L-^''^^^ ^^^^* 
 
 DEMEAS. 
 What do you mean, Timon ? To fall upon a free man and a citizen in 
 this manner, you who are neither one nor the other? But you Ihall fuffer 
 for this ; aye, and for fetting the Acropolis on fire too. 
 
 TIMON. 
 It is not on fire, you villain ; you are a liar and a calumniator. 
 
 DEMEAS. 
 You may well be rich ; you have broke open the | treafury. 
 
 TIMON. 
 It is no fuch thing, rafcal ! it is your own invention. 
 
 DEMEAS. 
 Ifitis not broke open, it may be hereafter; in the mean time you have 
 got all the riches belonging to it. 
 
 * Dionyfia^ Solemnities In honour of Bacchus, or Dionyfus, obferA-ed with great fplendour 
 in all parts of Greece, and particularly at Athens, celebrated with fongs, dances, and games ot 
 every kind. 
 + rheireafury,-\ In Greek o^..9.V^ fo called from its fituation, being placed at the back 
 of Minerva's temple: here, befides other public money, a thoufand talents were always hid up 
 in ftore, in cafe of any preffing exigency j and if any man embezzled, or expended the leart 
 part of it, on any trivial account, he was immediately put to death : this was thebiNKiNC 
 Fund of antiquity. , ^ ^^ 
 
 VouL H TIMON,
 
 ^o T I M O >{. 
 
 T I M O N. 
 And in the mean time do you take that. [^Beats him again. 
 
 D E M E A S. 
 
 O my poor flioulders ! 
 
 T I M O N. 
 
 No bawling, or I will give you another. It would be a comical jeft in- 
 deed, if I, who unarmed as I am, have cut off two battalions, as you told 
 mejufl: now, could not make an end of one poltroon like you. I Ihould 
 have been conqueror in the Olympic games to very little purpofe indeed. 
 Bur, who is this, is it not Thrafycles the philofopher? moft afluredly it is he, 
 with his long beard, and arched eye-brows, muttering fomething to himfelf, 
 his hair curled over his forehead, a Titanic afpeft, and looking like an- 
 other * Boreas, or Triton, painted by Zeuxis. This fellow, if you meet 
 him of a morning, (hall be decently cloathed, modeft and humble in his 
 manner and behaviour, and will talk to you by the hour about piety and vir- 
 tue, condemn luxury and intemperance, and praife frugality; and yet when 
 he comes to fupper in the evening, and the waiter brings him his large cup, 
 (for he loves a bumper), then will he, as if he was drinking the water of 
 Lethe, forget every thing he had faid in the morning, and aft in diredt op- 
 pofition to it -, devour every thing before him, like a hungry kite, croud his 
 neighbour with his ftretched-out elbows, and lean upon the diflics, as if he 
 expefted to find the virtue he talked fo much of, at the bottom of them : 
 picks out all the dainties, and feldom leaves a morfel of the f oglio behind 
 him ; always complaining of his bad fupper, though the befl part of it gene- 
 rally falls to his fliare : after which he gets drunk, the natural confequence 
 of his gluttony, dances, fings, and fcolds, and abufes every body : always 
 talkative in his cups, and even when he is fo intoxicated as to be laughed at 
 by the whole company, will harangue to them about temperance and fo- 
 briety : This, perhaps, is fucceeded by a puke ; then is he carried away 
 from table with both arms clinging round one of the fidlers. Even whilft he 
 is fober the moft fordid, impudent, and lying fellow upon earth ; the mean- 
 
 * Boreas,] Tlmon compares Thrafycles to Boreas, or Triton, probably from his confe- 
 quentlal appearance, puffing and blowing, fo as to refemble the god Boreas when he blows, or 
 a Triton when he founds his trumpet. 
 
 f Ogllo^'\ In Greek pt-rlwTa, a kind of ilrong faucc, according to the fcholiaft, made of gar- 
 lick, leeks, cheefe, oil, and vinegar. 
 
 eft
 
 T I M O N. 51 
 
 eft of all flatterers, and famous for oaths, infolence, and impoflure : on 
 the whole a moft perfect charadter; we fhall fee prefently, with all his mo- 
 defty, what a bawling he will make. Ha! how is this? Thrafycles here 
 at laft ? 
 
 THRASYCLES. 
 
 I come not hither, Timon, as others do, with the hopes of Iharing your 
 riches, or partaking of your fealls ; to fawn upon, and flatter an honeft and 
 generous man, as I know you are : you very well know, a little pulfe fatisfies 
 me, that the belt fupper I defire is an onion and a few crefles, or, when I 
 choofe to indulge, a little fait for luxury ; my drink, water from the public 
 fountain. This old tattered cloak to me is better than a purple robe, and, 
 as to gold, I value it no more than the fand on the fea-fliore. I came hither 
 only to ferve you; to prevent, if poflible, your being corrupted by that worft 
 and moft dangerous of all human pofleflions, money, which has been the 
 fatal caufe of fo much mifery to thoufands. If you will take my advice, I 
 would have you throw all your riches into the fea, as things unnecefl^ary to 
 an honeft man, and one who knows the treafures of philofophy; not that I 
 would have you caft them into the main ocean, but rather walk in up to your 
 middle, and throw them a little beyond the fliore, where no body could fee 
 you but myfelf ; or, if you do not choofe this, you may go another way to 
 work, throw your gold immediately out of the window, give one five drach- 
 mas, another a mina, another a talent, and not leave yourfelf a fingle far- 
 thing. If there fliould chance to be a philofopher in your way, it is proper 
 you fliould give him twice or thrice as much as the reft ; for my own parr, 
 not that I mind it myfelf, but that I may give it away to fome of my poor 
 friends, I fliall be fatisfied if you will only fill this little pouch, which holds 
 fcarce two bufliels : philofophers fliould be content with a little, and wifli for 
 nothing beyond their fcrip. 
 
 TIMON. 
 
 I entirely approve of what you fay; before I fill your bag therefore I fliail 
 give you a few thumps on the head, and my fpade fliall make Up the reft 
 to you. 
 
 THRASYCLES. 
 
 Now, laws and commonwealth aflift me! Here am I beaten and bruifed in 
 a free city by a villain. 
 
 Ha . TIMON.
 
 T I M O N. 
 
 T I M O N. 
 What doft thou grumble at, my good friend; have I wronged thec> 
 But I will give thee four meafures over and above to make thee amends. 
 
 \^Beats him again. 
 What h all this ? more of them? Laches, ai^d Blepfias, and Gniphon, and a 
 whole heap of fcoundrels : they Ihall all meet with the fame fate; but I w.ll 
 let my fpade reft a little, climb up this rock, and hail down a ftiower of 
 
 ftones upon them. 
 
 BLEPSIAS. 
 
 No more, Timon, I befeech you, we are going. 
 
 T I M O N. 
 But you ihall not go without wounds and bloodlhed. 
 
 HALCYON.
 
 HALCYON. 
 
 The Jlrange Jlory of the Halycon, which the reader will find in the body of the 
 dialogue, is here finely ridiculed hy Lucian; the refle5iions of Sock at es are 
 ferfible, butfhort : this dialogue ends rather abruptly, and feems to have been 
 only a fragment. 
 
 A DIALOGUE between CH^REPHON and SOCRATES. 
 
 CH^REPHON. 
 
 WHAT voice is that, Socrates, a good way off from the (hore ? How 
 fweet it is to the ear ! I wonder what creature it can be, for the 
 inhabitants of the deep are all mute. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 It is a fea-fowl, Chserephon, called the Halcyon, always crying and 
 lamenting. They tell an old tale concerning it ; that it was formerly a wo- 
 man, the daughter of -^olus, a Grecian, who married Ceyx, of Trachis, 
 the fon of Lucifer, beautiful as his father ; that when he died Ihe ^ mourned 
 his lofe inceffantly, and, by divine permiflion, was changed into a bird, 
 and, after wandering in vain over all the earth in fearch of him, is now 
 perpetually hovering over the fea. 
 
 CHiEREPHON. 
 Halcyon, do you call it ? It is a voice I never heard before, and has 
 fomething in it wonderous plaintive : how big is it ? 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 Very fmall; but the gods, they fay, bellowed on her a great reward for 
 her fingular affedlion to her hufband : whilfl Ihe makes her neft, the world 
 is blefl with Halcyon days, fuch as this is, placid and ferene, even in the 
 midft of winter. Obferve how clear the fky is, and the whole ocean tran- 
 quil, fmooth as a glafs, without a curl upon it. 
 
 CH^REPHON. 
 
 This, indeed, is, as you fay, a Halcyon day, and (o was yeflerday ; but 
 
 * Mourned his lofs,'] According to the generally received fable, on hearing that her hufband 
 was drowned fhe threw herfelf into the fea ; by the interceifion of Lucifer and Thetis they 
 were afterwards both changed into Halcyons : the flory is beautifully told by Ovid, in the 
 eleventh book of the Metamorphofes, and alluded to by Virgil, Theocritus, Ariftophanes, 
 Plautus, and other writers. 
 
 how.
 
 54 HALCYON. 
 
 how, Socrates, can we believe the tales you fpokc of, that women can be 
 turned into birds, and birds into women ? nothing fecms to me more im- 
 probable. 
 ^ SOCRATES. 
 
 Short-fighted mortals, mydear Ch^erephon, are but poor judges of what 
 may or may not be : we cannot go farther than human abilities will per- 
 mit us, and which are feldom able to fee, know, or determine aright. The 
 eafieft things appear difficult to us, and the plained incomprehenfible; 
 partly from the want of knowlege and experience, partly from the weak and 
 infantine ftate of our minds : all men in reality * are but children, be they 
 ever fo far advanced in years ; for brief as childhood, is, the utmoft extent of 
 life : how then can thofe, who know not the power of gods and demons, 
 fay what is poffible or impoffible ? You faw, my friend,, how dreadful the 
 florm was but three days ago ; the thunder, lightning, and fury of the winds ; 
 we Ihudder even at the thoughts of it ; one would have imagined the whole 
 earth was torn to pieces, and finking into ruin ; and yet in a Ihort time after 
 all was placid and ferene, and has continued fo to this moment. Was it 
 not, think you, as difficult to ftill the rage of that tempeft, to change the 
 face of heaven, and adorn it with this tranquil beauty, as to transform a 
 ►j- woman into a bird ? Children, who know how to model in wax or earth, 
 will imitate various forms from the fame materials ; and Ihall not the divine 
 power, fo wonderful, and fuperior to our own, command and perform all 
 things with eafe and plcafure ? Canft thou tell how much greater the 
 heavens are than thyfelf ? 
 
 CH^REPHON. 
 
 What man, O Socrates, can conceive or declare it ? It is infinitely more 
 
 than words can exprefs. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 How much do men, when compared one with another, differ in flrength 
 
 and power! How much from themfelves, at different periods of their lives ! 
 
 • Are hut children ^c] Non bis pueri fumus, ut vulgo dicitur, fed femper, verum hoc In- 
 tercil quod majora nos ludimus. ^^Seneca apud Ladantium. 
 
 As Dryden fays, 
 
 Men are but children of a larger growth. 
 
 -(■ f^^oman into a hird7'\ The refle£tion is fenfible and jufl, highly agreeable to the fentlments 
 and character of the great Socrates. We are furrounded, indeed, as a modern philofopher ob- 
 ferves, with miracles on every fide, and yetfcarce believe in or acknowlege the divine Author of 
 them. 
 
 What
 
 HALCYON. 55 
 
 What changes, both of mind and body, happen in the fpace of a few years I 
 How fuperior are men to children ! Infomuch that one may with eafe deflroy 
 a thoufand : infancy is, by the law of nature, weak and deflitute of all 
 things. If man thus differs from man, what mufl: be the infinite dillance 
 between us and heaven ! Doubtlefs as much as the whole world is greater 
 than Socrates or Chserephon, fo much mufl the divine Power and Intelle<5t 
 exceed our weak and limited capacities. 
 
 Things, moreover, which you aad I, and many more like ourfelves, think 
 impradicable, others will perform with eafe : playing on the flute, to thofe 
 who have never learned ; writing, or reading, to the ignorant and illiterate ; is, 
 perhaps, as difficult as to make women out of birds, or birds out of women. 
 Nature finds a creature dropped in the hive, without feet or wings, fhe adds 
 both, adorns it with a variety of beautiful colours, and produces the wife and 
 provident bee, the artificer of divine honey: from the dumb and lifelcfs egg 
 fhe brings forth a thoufand different fpecies of birds, aquatic and terrefiriai, by 
 the affiftance, and under the diredion of the fupreme Will. 
 
 Since, therefore, fo great is the power of the gods, and we weak mortals 
 are neither able to dive into deep myfteries, nor even to judge as we ought 
 of the little things around us, let us not pretend to determine any thing con- 
 cerning Halcyons or ^ nightingales. For my own part, as I received the tra- 
 dition from my forefathers, I will deliver it to my children : thy hymns, 
 melodious mourner, willl ever remember, and celebrate thy pious conjugal 
 afFedlion, telling thy tale to my wives f Myrto and Xantippe, not forgetting 
 the honour which thou haft received from the gods : thou, Chccrephoii, I 
 hope, wilt do the fame. 
 
 CH^REPHON. 
 That you may be aflured I will : for what you have remarked may be 
 profitable both to hufbands and wives. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 Salute Halcyone, then, and let us away to the city. 
 
 CH^REPHON. 
 I attend you. 
 
 • Nightingales,'] Alluding to the ftory of Philomela. 
 
 f Myrto and Xantip ?,] Lucian here informs us that Socrates had two wives, and Plutarch 
 (fee his life of Ariftides, is of the fame opinion. Plato and Xenophon, however, give him bur 
 one, Xantippe; who. according to all accounts, was full enough, if not rather too much for 
 him. This queftion is difcufled by Bentley, in his Diflertation on the Epiftles of Phalaris, to 
 which I refer the curious reader. 
 
 CAUCASUS;
 
 CAUCASUS*; 
 
 O R, 
 
 PROMETHEUS, 
 ADIALOGUE. 
 
 /// this little tra5f^ which is replete with wit and humour, Lucian apparently con- 
 fiders the whole Jio^y o/ Prometheus as an abfurdajid ridiculous fable, and treats 
 it accordingly, not without fome fevere Jlri5lures on the whole fyftem of "Pagan 
 divinity. There feems to be likeivife fame concealed fatire on the lawyers, and their 
 manner of handling caufes: the defence made by Prometheus is probably a parody 
 ofafpeech made by fome famous orator of that time^ whofe works are not handed 
 down to us : For, as the ingenious -f- Dr. Beat tie obferves, " in the ludicrous 
 *' writing of the ancients, there muft have been, as there are in our own, many 
 *' nice allujions, which none but perfons living at the time could properly compre- 
 « hend:* 
 
 MEPvCURY, VULCAN, PROMETHEUS. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 THIS, my friend Vulcan, is Caucafus, where we are to nail up this 
 miferable Titan : let us look about for fome convenient rock, free 
 from fnow, that we may faften him the better, and where, while he hangs, 
 he will make the mofl confpicuous figure. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 Right, brother Mercury ; let us look Iharp ; for we muft not nail him 
 low, leaft fome of the mortals whom he has created Ihould come to his 
 refcue ; nor muft we place him quite at the top of the mountain, for then 
 he will not be feen by thofe who are below. We had better fix him here, 
 I believe, about the middle, juft above this precipice, with his arms ex- 
 tended. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Good ; for the rocks here are broken, and inacceffible, inclining to the 
 precipice, and fo narrow, that you can hardly ftand upright on it; the 
 
 * This is generally called Prometheus, or Caucafus; I have chofen the lattername, becaufe 
 the former has already been made ufe of. 
 
 ^ See Dr. Beattie's Effay on Laughter and Ludicrous Compofition, 4to. p. 616. 
 
 fineft
 
 CAUCASUS. J7 
 
 fineft place that can be for a crofs : come, get up, Prometheus, and let us 
 fix you to the mountain. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 Have pity, good Mercury and Vulcan, on a poor wretch, thus doomed 
 to fuffer moft undefervedly. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 And (o you would really have us two nailed up for difobedlence of orders, 
 inftead of yourfelf : we are infinitely obliged to you. But come, give us 
 your hand ; take it in your's, Vulcan, and nail it down as fail: you can ; now 
 the other, fatten that alfo; now it will do : the eagle will be here prefently 
 to pick your liver, and you will enjoy the full reward of your ingenuity. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 * O Saturn, O Japetus, O mother Earth ! what do I fuffer, and all for 
 
 nothing ! 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 For nothing, fay you ? Call you it nothing to defraud Jupiter in the 
 manner you did, when, on the diftribution of the meats entrufted to you, 
 you covered the bones with white fat, and got all the befl parts for your- 
 felf i for fo, if I am not miftaken, f Hefiod tells the ftory. Moreover, 
 did not you make men, thofe mifchievous creatures, and, what is worfe, 
 women alfo ? Lafily, and above all, who ftole the facred fire, that beft 
 and nobleft poffeflion of the gods, and gave it to mortals ? and yet, after 
 doing all this, you complain of fuffering for nothing. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 In truth, Mercury, you feem, as the poet fays, ** to blame the blame- 
 ** lefs," and accufe me of that as a crime, for which, had I been properly 
 rewarded, I deferved to have been kept in the | Prytaneum at the public 
 cofl. But, if you have leifure now, 1 will this moment plead my own caufe 
 
 * O Saturttt ^c] Prometheus, according to Hefiod, was the fon of Japetus, who was def- 
 cended from Ouranus, heaven, and Gaia, or mother earth ; Saturn alfo was the fon of Coelus 
 and Terra; the perfecuted deity calls therefore, we fee, with propriety on his neareft relations. 
 
 •j- Hejrod^'] See the Weeks and Days. 
 
 X Prytaneum^'] A common hall at Athens, where the fenators met and dined together : fuch 
 as had done eminent fervice to the Hate were here feafted at the public coft. Luclan is fup- 
 pofed to glance at Socrates, who, when thrown into prifon, is faid to have made the fame ob- 
 fej vation that is here put into the mouth of Prometheus, 
 
 Vol. I. I before
 
 ^8 CAUCASUS. 
 
 before you, and plainly convince you that Jupiter has pafTed a moft unjufl: 
 fentence ao-nnll: me. "You may, yourfelf, if you pleafe, for you are n ora- 
 tor, I know, and, famous for chicanery; take his fide of the quellion, de- 
 fend his decree, and prove he was in the right, to hjng me up, a auferable 
 fpediacle to the Scythians, on this fame dreary Caucafus. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Thedifpute will be idle enough, friend Prometheus, and, I believe, to very 
 little purpofe : begin, however, if you like it, for we muft ftay here a little, 
 till the eaole comes down to take care of your liver; in the mean while, 
 therefore, we may as well fpend our leifure time in liflening to your fophiitry, 
 in which we know you are a great proficient. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 Do you begin then ; accufe me as violently as you can, and leave no ar- 
 gument untried, that can be of the leaft fervice to your good father. You, 
 Vulcan, Ihall be the umpire between us. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 Not I, indeed. Inftead of judge, I ought to be the accufer, of one who 
 Hole all the fire, and left my furnace cold. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 Divide your aftion for theft, then, into two parts, and let Mercury take 
 for his the creation of man, and the diftribution of the flefh : you are both, 
 I know, deeply fkilled in the art of rhetoric. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 No : let Mercury fpeak for me, I befeech you ; judicial cafes are 
 quite out of my way, I am too bufy about my own fire-fide ; but he is an 
 orator, and has deeply confidered thefe matters. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 I fhould never have thought of Mercury's harranguing againft * theft, 
 ind accufing me for ikill in his own profeffion : however, if you chufe to 
 enter upon it, my good fon of Mars, now is your time, 
 
 * Theft^'l As Mercury is always called the god of thieves, 
 
 M E R-
 
 CAUCASUS. 59 
 
 MERCURY. 
 What you have been guilty of, Prometheus, calls, doubtlefs, for a long 
 and well ftudied fpeech ; but, for the prcfent, it may fuflice, briefly to re- 
 capitulate the heads of our accufation againft you. And, firll:, you (land in- 
 dided for defrauding Jupiter, and fo dividing the fljlh as to keep the bed 
 parts for yourfelf : fecondlj^, for making men ; a thing which you fhouid 
 by no means have attempted : and thirdly, for ftealing fire, and carrying it 
 to them : and, after committing allthefe crimes, you fcem not to know, or 
 acknowlege, how kind' and merciful Jove has been to you. If you deny the 
 charge, you muft enter on your defence, and a long oration will be necef- 
 fary for the fupport of it ; in that cafe, I muft endeavour to prove the truth 
 of my allegations : but if you fairly confefs that you did fo divide the meats ; 
 that you did find out a new method of creating man ; and that you did fteal 
 the fire, my accufation is fufficient, and to fay any more about ic would be 
 trifling and unneceffary. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 Whether what you have faid already be trifling, or not, we Ihall fee here- 
 after; but as you fay you have finiflied your accufation, I Ihall now endea- 
 vour to defend myfelf. And firft then, with regard to the diftribution of 
 the meats : I blufli, fo heaven help me, for this fame Jupiter, who could 
 be fo mean and narrow-foul'd, fo peevifli and brutal, as, becaufc he found 
 a little bone on his plate, to fend an old deity, like me, to this place of tor- 
 ment; forgetting all the afliftance I had given him, not confidering how 
 little caufe he had to be angry, nor how childifli it was in him to be in fucii 
 a pafllon, merely becaufe he had not the greateft fliare of the dainties ; fuch 
 little convivial tricks furely it ill became him to * remember : he fliould 
 have paflTedover, and laughed at what was done at a banquet, and left his 
 anger behind : to bear fo long in his mind, and refent an affront of this na- 
 ture, was neither kingly, nor god-like. If you take away thefe jefts and 
 fports from a feaft, you will have nothing but drunkennefs, filcnce, and 
 fatiety, things mighty unpleafant, and little fuited to a merry-making. Never 
 
 * Remember,-] Alluding to the old Greek proverb, Mi^« i^ovfMoyx <TVf^7rory>H I hate a pot-com- 
 panion with a good memory. Our countryman, Ben Jonfon, therefore, amongft his club- 
 rules, now to be feen at the Devil Tavern, Temple-Bar, did not forget the cauuon of 
 
 Di£la qui foris eliminat eliminator. 
 Which maybe tranflated, if any one tells tales without doors, out with him. 
 
 I 2 ^'^
 
 g^ CAUCASUS. 
 
 did I imagine Jupiter would have thought of it the next day, or deemed it 
 fo crrievous an injury, that the diftributor Ihould play this little tricky, and 
 giv^'e himfelf the better portion. But even fuppofe I had not given him the 
 fmaller part, but taken away the whole, where would have been the great 
 crime ; for this, is heaven and earth, as the proverb fays, to be moved ? 
 Are chains, crofTes, and lancets to be called in, eagles to be fent down, and 
 my liver to be devoured ? Is not this only to expofe his own levity and 
 meannefs ? If he was fo angry at being deprived of a few bits of flelh, 
 what would he have faid if he had loft the whole ox ? How much more 
 reafonable are men in things of this kind, who yet, we may fuppofe, muft 
 be much more prone to anger than the gods ! None of them would hang up 
 a cook for dipping his fingers in, and tafting the broth, or touching a bit 
 of roaft-meat, but would undoubtedly forgive him ; they might, perhaps, 
 be angry with the man, give him a ilap on the face, or threlh him ; they 
 would not, however, for fuch a crime fend him to the gallows. But on 
 this point I have faid enough : I blufh even for the defence, on fuch a fub- 
 jeft, much more Ihould you for the accufation. 
 
 And now for the crime alleged of, making men : which, as it feems to 
 divide itfelf into two heads, I am at a lofs which I am to be moft blamed for ; 
 whether I ought not to have made them at all, and, in that cafe, the earth 
 had remained totally rude and uncultivated ; or whether I Ihould have made 
 them in a different manner. I fhall fpeak to both points ; and firft, there- 
 fore, Iftiall endeavour to fhew, that the gods could fuffer no injury from the 
 formation of m:in; and next, that fo far from it, it was much better, and 
 more profitable for them, that the earth Ihould not be without men. 
 
 In the beginning, then, (for by this it will beft appear whether I w^as 
 to blame for creating man) there were nothing but gods : the earth was 
 lude and without form, full of woods, briars, and thorns : there were no 
 altars or temples, (how indeed Ihould there be ?) nor images, nor ftatues of 
 the gods, made with care and elegance, as they now are, nor any thing of 
 that kind : when I, who am always thinking of fomething for the com- 
 mon good, began to confider with myfelf what I could do to promore the 
 honour of the gods, and concluded that the beft method was to take a fmall 
 portion of clay, and make fome creatures like ourfelves : as thinking that 
 the divine nature wanted fomething, not having its oppofite, by a com- 
 parifon with which it would appear more perfect, and more happy. Mortal, 
 
 therefore.
 
 CAUCASUS. 5, 
 
 therefore, I wifhed it to be, but rational, intelligent, and endowed with a 
 fenfe of good and evil ; I began then, as the * poet fays, 
 
 To temper well the clay with water, then 
 To add the vigour and the voice of men. 
 
 Moreover, I called in Minerva to aflift me in the work. This, after all is 
 the great injury which I have done to the gods ; by making creatures out of 
 clay, and giving motion to that which was before immoveable ; and yet 
 from that time it feems the gods are lefs gods, becaufe certain creatures 
 called mortals now exift : for Jupiter is very angry, as if the gods were fo much 
 the worfe from the creation of men; he is afraid, perhaps, that they Ihould 
 rebel againfl him, and wage war with the gods, as the giants did of old ; 
 but neither from me, or from my works, Mercury, moft incontellible 
 it is, hath any harm arifen. Shew me the leail inconvenience, and I 
 will fairly confefs that you have but done juftice in thus punilhing 
 me. 
 
 But I can farther prove, that all this is for the benefit and advantage of 
 the gods : which you will acknowlege, when you come to confider that the 
 earth is no longer void of form and beauty, but adorned with plants and 
 cultivated fields, the fea navigated, the iflands inhabited, altars, temples, 
 facrifices, and temples on every fide, the public ways all full of men, and 
 -f- full of Jove. If indeed I had created men for myfelf alone, I might feem 
 to have confulted my own private benefit ; but I have brought it all into the 
 whole community ; and yet Jupiter, Apollo, and you. Mercury, have tem- 
 ples ; but there are none to Prometheus ; you fee then how watchful I am 
 of my own interefts, and how carelefs of yours. 
 
 But attend to this, I befeech you, above all ; can that be called a J good, 
 which has no witneffes to its goodnefs ; is that poffefl^ion, which none can 
 fee or praife equal to that which all value and efteem ? Without men the 
 beauty of the univerfe could have no admirers. We fhould but abound in 
 riches, which were neither envied by others, nor dear to ourfelves. There 
 
 * nepoet^'\ Hefiod, in his Weeks and Days. See Cooke's tranflation, book i. I. 91. 
 
 •f Full of Jove, "l Jovis omnia plena. 
 
 J Good^^ Agreeable to this idea is that of our great poet, 
 
 Nor think, tho' men were none, heav'n wou'd want praife, 
 
 Millions of fpiritual creatures, &c, 
 
 would
 
 62 CAUCASUS. 
 
 would be nothing to compare them with ; nor fliould we To well know our 
 own happinefs, without refleifting that there were fome beings not poflefled 
 of It. The great can only be known by contrafting it to the little : and yet, 
 for my ingenious device and good counfel, you have thought fit thus to re- 
 ward me. But you will fay, perhaps, thefe fame mortals are wicked crea- 
 tures ; that they go to war, commit adultery, marry their filters, and afiTaffin- 
 ate their parents ; as if we had not vices enough of the fame kind amongft 
 ourfelves ; and yet heaven and earth are not condemned for producing us. 
 You may add alfo, that we have bufinefs enough upon our own hands, to 
 take care of them ; and, for the fame reafon, the fhepherd might be angry 
 that he had a flock to look after ; it might be laborious, but at the fame time 
 it would be pleafing to him: fuch folitude is no difagreeable employment. 
 If we had no bufinefs, whatfhould we do with our time ; nothing, but in- 
 toxicate ouifelvcs with neftar and ambrofia ? 
 
 But what hurts me moft is, that you blame me for making women ; 
 and yet you all love them yourfelves, are perpetually going down to earth, 
 turning youifelves into bulls, fwans, and fatyrs for them, and even not dif- 
 daining to beget gods out of them. But I might have made men, you will 
 fay, in a different manner, and not fo like ourfelves; yet what better model 
 could I go by, than that which I knew to be the moft beautiful ? Should I 
 have made a rough unpolilhed animal, without fenfe or reafon ? How 
 could fuch have facrificed to the gods, or paid due honours to you ? And 
 do you not, when they fend up their hecatombs, run away to the utmoft 
 limits of the world, to meet Pan, and the blamelefs * Ethiopians ; and 
 yet I, who am the caufe of all your honours and vidims^ muft be fixed on 
 a crofs for it. 
 
 So much for the men : and now pafs we on to the fire and theft, which I 
 am accufedof: anfwer me, for heaven's fake, this queftion ; is there lefs 
 fire amongft us fince I imparted it to men ? You will confefs there is not; 
 for fuch is its nature, that it never diminifhes by participation, nor is ex- 
 tinguifhed by another's receiving light and heat from it ; what is it then but 
 envy, to forbid the ufe of it, which can do you no injury ? Gods fliould be 
 gracious and beneficent, the difpenfers of good to all, without grudging or 
 difcontent. Neither, had I carried it all away, would you have fuffered any 
 
 * Ethiopians,'] Alluding to Jupiter's vifit to them, mentioned by Homer, and (a often 
 laughed at by our author. 
 
 inconve-
 
 CAUCASUS. S3 
 
 inconvenience; you want it not; you are not cold, neither do you cook your 
 ambrofia, or ftand in need of artificial light. Whereas, to men, fire is ab- 
 folutely neceflary, as well for many other things, as particularly for facri- 
 fices, to burn their incenfe, and roafl their offerings : the fmoke, I know, 
 of them you are highly delighted with, and think that the nobleft feaft, 
 where the odour rifes up to heaven, and columns of fmoke are wafted to the 
 ikies. This accufation, therefore, is abfurd, and contrary to your own 
 mighty will and pleafure. I wonder, for my part, you permit the fun to 
 fhine, whofe flames are fo much fiercer than mine, and that you do not ac- 
 cufe him alfo for diffipating your treafure. 
 
 And now. Mercury and Vulcan, you have heard my defence; if you 
 think I have advanced any thing wrong or improper, corred and difprovc it; 
 I am ready to reply. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Prometheus, It is no eafy matter to contend with fo fubtle a difputant as 
 you are ; you may be happy, however, that Jupiter did not hear your 
 fpeech ; for, depend on it, if he had, he would have fent a hundred 
 vulturs to prey upon your liver, inflead of one : fo fevere have you been 
 upon him. But what I moft wonder at is, that you, who are fo crreat 
 a prophet, fhould not have forefeen that this pjnifhment muil fall upon 
 you. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 Mercury, I knew it well ; and I know alfo, that I fhall hereafter be de- 
 livered from it ; a friend of your's fhall foon come from * Thebes, and with 
 his arrows pierce the eagle that is now flying down upon me. 
 
 ]M E R C U R Y. 
 
 I heartily wifh it may be fo : that I may once fee you free and caroufing 
 with us, on condition, though, that you are not the carver. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 O, never fear : Jupiter will loofe me foon, and for a very good rea- 
 fon. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 What is that pray ? Do not conceal it from us, I intreat you. 
 
 * TMes,} Hercule», 
 
 PROM E.
 
 ^4 CAUCASUS, 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 You know f Thetis, don't you ? But 1 ihall fay no more; I mufl J keep 
 the fecret now, that I may get my freedom by divulging it hereafter. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Keep it, my good Titan, if it will be of any fervice to you. But come, Vul- 
 can, let us be gone, for yonder is the eagle, and will be here immediately ; 
 Prometheus, bear it with fortitude, and may the Theban archer, whom you 
 talk of, come foon, and deliver you i 
 
 •f Tbetisfl The daughter of Oceanus, whom Jupiter was in love with, and wanted to marry; 
 but the Fates had decreed that flie fhould have afon greater than his father. Prometheus alone, 
 as a prophet, knew this, but would not reveal the fecret till he was releafed. Hercules freed 
 him, and he thendifclofed it. Thetis was married to Peleus, and the prophecy accompliflied in 
 the renowned Achilles. 
 
 X Keep the fecret y^ Agreeable to what iEfchylus makes him fay at the end of his tragedy. 
 
 Not all his tortures, all his arts fliall move me 
 T'unlock my lips, till this curs'd chain be loos'd. 
 
 See Potter's ^Efchylus, 8vo. p. "j-j. 
 
 DIALOGUES
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 
 
 /«/y^^DiALOGUESOFTHE GoDsw^ meet with no tnconfiderabkJJjare of true wit and 
 humour. 'The Heathen Deities are here called in, by turns, by our fprightly fatyrijl, 
 merely to laugh at, and expofe one another ; and the whole abfurd Jyftem of pagan 
 theology, which, about the time when thefe Dialogues were written, was on the de- 
 cline, was perhaps totally dejlroyed, and may be faid to have received its coup 
 de gV2iCt from the raillery (j/Lucian. 
 
 DIALOGUE I. 
 
 M 
 
 JUPITER AND MERCURY. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 ERCURY, you know the beautiful daughter of Inachus ? 
 
 M E 
 Yes; lo, you mean. 
 
 J u 
 
 R 
 P 
 
 C U R Y. 
 ITER. 
 
 She is turned into a cow. 
 
 
 
 M E 
 
 R 
 
 C U R Y. 
 
 Surprifing ! How happened it 
 
 ? 
 
 
 J u 
 
 P 
 
 ITER. 
 
 Juno*, in a fit of jealoufy, thought proper to metatnorphofe her; and 
 
 withal, to make the poor creature more unhappy, has fet one Argos, a herdf- 
 
 man, with a hundred eyes, to guard her, who watches over her night and 
 
 day, and never Heeps. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 What can I do to ferve you in this affair ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Fly to the Nemzean wood, for there Argus feeds his cattle : kill him, and 
 carry her off to ^gypt : there let her be called Ifis, an.d worfhipped as a 
 goddefs, raife the Nile, fend profperous gales, and preferve mariners. 
 
 * Jun» in a fit^ fe'c] Lucian attributes the transformation of lo to Juno herfelf. Ovid tell» 
 the flory differently, and informs us, that Jupiter turned her into a cow, to fave her from the 
 refentment of that vindidive lady. 
 
 Vol. I. K D I A -
 
 66 DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 DIALOGUE II. 
 
 VULCAN AND APOLLO. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 APOLLO, have you feen this new-born fon of Maia ? the infant is ex- 
 
 ceflively pretty, fmiles at every body, and fcems to promife fomething very 
 
 great hereafter. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 Very great, to be fure, Vulcan, and a pretty infant, who is older in mif- 
 
 chief than * Japetus himfelf. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 Why, what mighty mifchief can a child do that is juft born ? 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 Afk Neptune, whofe trident he ftole ; or Mars, whofe fword he drew pri- 
 vately out of his fcabbard ; not to mention myfelf, whom he difarmed of 
 
 my bow and arrows. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 What ! an infant, that is carried about in his fwaddling-cloaths, do this ! 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 You'll fee, if he comes near you. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 He has been with me already. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 And have you got all your tools fafe ? is nothing miffing ? 
 
 VULCAN. 
 Nothing. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 But look narrowly. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 By Jove, I don't fee my tongs. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 You'll find them in the child's fwaddling-cloaths. 
 
 * Japetus, fe'c] Japetus was the fon of Ouranus, and brother to Saturn. According to 
 Hefiod, he married Clymene, daughter of Oceanus, by whom he had four illuftrious fons, At- 
 las, Menetius, Prometheus, and Epimetheus. He was confidered by the Grecians as the great 
 father and founder of their whole race. Hiftory and tradition could not reach beyond him. 
 A very old man in his dotage was ufually called Japetus. Etymologies fay, he was the fame 
 as Japhet ; and the fimilitude of found feems to favour this conjecture. 
 
 VULCAN.
 
 DIALOGUES OFTHE GODS. 67 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 Is he fo nimble-fingered as to have learned the art of ftcaling in his mo- 
 ther's womb ? 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 If you were to hear him talk, you would be aflonifhed at his humour and 
 volubility. He wants to be my deputy. Yeflerday he challenged Cupid ; 
 and, fome how or other, tripped up his heels, and got the better of him. A 
 little after this, whilft Venus was embracing and praifing him for his vicfto- 
 ry, he flole her ceftus ; and, as Jupiter was laughing at him, ran away with 
 his fcepter, and if his thunder and lightning had not been rather too heavy, 
 and had too much fire, would have taken them into the bargain. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 A lively boy, indeed ! 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 And, what is more, he is a mufician too. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 Why do you imagine fo ? 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 He found a dead * tortoife fomewhere, and made a mufical inftrument of it| 
 and fitting pins to it, with a neck, and keys, and bow, and feven firings, 
 played upon it fomething fo fweet and harmonious, as to raife envy even in 
 me, who, you know, in former times, was counted a tolerable harper. 
 Maia fays, he never flays a night in heaven ; but, out of his fuperabundant 
 induflry, wanders down to hell, and fleals fomething from thence. He 
 has wings withal, and a -f wand of moft miraculous power, by virtue of 
 
 * Tortoife.'] Mercury, as all the old poets tell us, firfl dlfcovered the tedudo, or lyre, with 
 feven ftrings. The old tale is, that after flealing fome bulls from Apollo, he retired to a fe- 
 cret grotto. Juft as he was going in, he found a tortoife, which he killed, and, perhaps, cat 
 the flefh of it. As he was afterwards diverting himfelf with the fhell, he was mightily pleafed 
 with the noife it gave from its concave figure ; and, pofllbly, had been cunning enough to 
 find out, that a firing pulled flrait, and fattened at each end, when ftruck by the finger, made a 
 fort of mufical found. He went immediately to work, and cut feveral ftrings out of the hides 
 he had flolen, and fattened them as tight as he could, to the (hell of the tortoife ; and in play- 
 ing with them, made a new kind of mufic, to divert himfelf in his retreat. This was the ori- 
 gin of the lyre. See Spencer's Polymetis, Dial. 8. See alfo Dr. Burney's Defcription of the 
 teftudo, in his excellent Hiftory of Mufic, vol. I. p. 268. 
 
 ■f A vjatid.] This wand, according to fome writers, was given to Mercury by Apollo, in ex- 
 change for a lyre. Its wonderful perfections are mentioned by Virgil, 
 
 Tum virgam capir, hac animas ille evocat Oreo 
 
 Pallentes, alias fub triftia tartara mittit. 
 
 K 2 which,
 
 68 DIALOGUES ofthe GODS. 
 
 which, he calls forth the dead to life, and condudls the living to the Ihades 
 
 below. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 Aye ; I gave him that for a play-thing. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 And he returned the favour, by dealing your tongs. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 Well remembered : I'll go and fee if I can find them where you fay they 
 are, in his fwaddling-cloaths. 
 
 DIALOGUE IIL 
 
 VULCAN AND JUPITER. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 JUPITER, I have brought the hatchet, as you ordered me ; it is Iharp 
 enough to pierce through a {tone at one blow ; what mull i do with it ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Cut my head in two. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 Do you take me for a madman ? Tell me in earneft what I mufl do. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Divide this pericranium of mine; if you do not, you know I can be 
 angry ; fo take care : Be fure you do it with a good will, and immediately 
 too. I am half dead with pain. My head is diftradted with it. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 I wifh we may not do fome mifchief ; for the ax is very fharp. I fliall draw 
 blood : I Ihall not lay you fo eafily as Lucina would. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Strike boldly, I tell you ; I know the confequence. 
 
 VULCAN. 
 
 I'll do it, though it is forely againft my will ; but what mufl not be done* 
 
 if you command it ? — Ha ! what's this ? An armed virgin ! a dreadful 
 
 thing, indeed, you had in your head ; well might you be angry with a live 
 
 virgin in your brain, and in armour too ; your's was * not a head, but the 
 
 * Not a head, i^c,'] STgaTOTre^s», fays the original, a Kt(puMy fpcwf, qaflra, non caput, habuifli. 
 The tranflation is not literal j but had Lucian wrote in Englifli, he might perhaps have thus 
 eyprefled himfelf. 
 
 head-
 
 DIALOGUES OFT HE GODS. 69 
 
 head-quarters — She * dances the Pyrrhic dance too, ihakes her fpear, and 
 feems infpired ; but, which is moft extraordinary, ihe is exceiTively handfome, 
 and feems already at years of maturity. She has blue eyes, and the helmet 
 fets her off to advantage. I intreat you, therefore, Jupiter, that you will re- 
 ward your midwife, by giving me her hand. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Vulcan, that cannot be, for fhe is refolved to live a virgin ; however, 
 
 you have my confent. 
 
 •" VULCAN. 
 
 That is all I want ; leave the reft to me ; I'll ravilh her immediately. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 If you think you can do it fo eafily, fo you may ; but I know beforehand, 
 you have fet your heart on what you will never enjoy. 
 
 DIALOGUE IV. 
 
 VENUS AND CUPID. 
 
 VENUS. 
 SEE, fon Cupid, what work you make : 1 do not mean what mortals, by 
 your inftigation, do one among another upon earth ; but, by your pranks in 
 heaven, turning Jupiter into fo many ihapes, juft as occafion ferves, calling 
 down the moon from her orb ; making Phoebus forget his journey to flop 
 with Clym.ene ; with your bold and impudent attacks on your own mother ; 
 but, which is ftill more infolenr, you have made even old f Rhea, that anti- 
 quated matron, the mother of fo many Gods, fall in love with a Phrygian 
 boy. You have driven her into madnefs. She harnefles her lions ; and, 
 taking with her Corybantes, who are as mad as herfelf, runs up and down 
 mount Ida, crying after Atys, whilft fome of her priefts cut their arms with 
 fwords, others ramble with difhevelled hair over the mountains, others found 
 their horns, others beat their drums and cymbals ; all, in fhort, is riot, noife, 
 
 * S/:e dances,'] Ui^liyj^n, fays Lucian; dances the Pyrrhic dance, a martial dance, faid to be 
 invented by Pyrrhus.'the fon of Achilles, at the funeral of his father : in this the dancers were 
 armed from top to toe. 
 
 -j- Rhea,'] or Cybele, the wife of Saturn, and commonly called, the Mother of the Gods. 
 The poets tell us, Ihe fell in love with Atys, a young Phrygian fhepherd, who, like other 
 young men, not being fond of old women, flighted her. She refented the injury on his mif- 
 trefs ; or, as fome writers fay, on Atys himfelf, in the fevereft manner, as the reader may fee, 
 if he turns to Catullus. Her priefts are reprefented as lamenting his death, See Sophocles. 
 
 and
 
 70 DIALOGUES ofthe GODS. 
 
 and madnefs. I am quite terrified at it : You are fo mifchicvous a creature, 
 that, I am afraid, Rhea, in one of her mad fits, or rather if flie comes to hcr- 
 felf again, will order her priefts to tear you in pieces, or give you to the lions : 
 you are in imminent danger, I affure you. 
 
 CUPID. 
 
 Never fear, mother ; the lions are my particular acquaintance : I fre- 
 quently get upon their backs, lay hold of their manes, and drive them about 
 like fo many horfes ; they wag their tails at me, take my hand in their 
 mouths, lick it, and give it me back unhurt ; and as to Rhea herfelf, how- 
 can Ihe find time to be revenged on me, whilft fhe thinks of nothing but 
 Atys ? befidcs, after all, what harm do I do, by only pointing out what is 
 beautiful ? What is ugly none of you defire ; therefore blame not me : 
 Would you wifh that Mars Ihould no longer love you, nor you him ? 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Subtle rogue ! you were born to conquer : but one day or other you will 
 remember my words. 
 
 DIALOGUE V. 
 
 JUPITER, HEPtCULES, and .^SCULAPIUS. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Hercules and ^fculapius, for Ihame ! leave off quarrelling thus with 
 one another like mortals ; it but ill becomes the table of the gods. 
 
 HERCULES. 
 And would you, Jupiter, permit that quack to fit down before me ? 
 
 ^SCULAPIUS. 
 Moft certainly ; I am your fuperior. 
 
 HERCULES. 
 In what, madman? becaufe Jupiter ftruck you with his thunder-bolt, 
 for doing what you ought not to have done ; and now, out of com- 
 panion, has made you an immortal ? 
 
 iESCULAPIUS. 
 When you reproach me, Hercules, for periihing by the fire of Jove's 
 lightning, you forget that you were burnt yourfelf on mount ^ta. 
 
 HERCULES. 
 Whilft you and I lived, we were by no means on a level. I, who am the 
 
 fon
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 71 
 
 fon of Jove, by inceflant toil and labour, purged the world of crimes, fub- 
 dued monllers, and took revenge on proud and impious men ; whilft you 
 were nothing but a fimpler and a mountebank : your medicines might, per- 
 haps, be ferviceable to a few fick mortals j but you never performed any thing 
 great or manly. 
 
 iESCULAPIUS. 
 True ; for I cured your burns when you came to me half roafted, with 
 a body which the fhirt and flames together had almoft confumed. If I did 
 nothing elfe, however, I was not a flave, neither did I put on a purple gar- 
 ment and turn fpinfter in Lydia; nor was I beaten by Omphale with a gol- 
 den diftaff ; neither did I run mad, and kill my wife and children. 
 
 HERCULES. 
 Hold your abufive tongue, or you Ihall find your immortality of little fer- 
 vice, for I will throw you down headlong out of heaven, and crack your 
 pate in fuch a manner, that Pason himfelf Ihall not be able to heal it. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 I will not have the aflembly difturbed ; therefore leave off, or I fhall ba- 
 nifh you both from the banquet. Hercules, ^fculapius muft fit down be- 
 fore you, for he "^ died firft. 
 
 DIALOGUE VI. 
 
 MERCURYandAPOLLO. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 APOLLO, what makes you fo melancholy. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 Misfortunes in love. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 That, indeed, is enough to make you fo : but how are you unhappy, 
 
 does Daphne's fate afflid: you dill ? 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 No ; but I lament the lovely fon of Ocbalus. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Is Hyacinthus dead ? 
 
 * Diedfirji^'\ This is an odd title to fuperlority. Amongfl the heathen demi-gods, precedency, 
 it feems, went not by birth, as with men, but by death : according to our adage, firll co ne 
 fir ft ferved. 
 
 A P O I. L O.
 
 72 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 He Is. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 How happened it? What foe to love could deftroy that beauteous youth? 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 It was my own doing, 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Sure, Apollo, you were mad. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 No : it was by an accident I little thought of. 
 
 INI E R C U R Y. 
 How was it ? For I long to know. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 Zephyrus, that moft hateful of all the winds, was in love with him as 
 wellasmyfelf; but, uneafy at the fcorn and contempt he met with from 
 him, refolved to be revenged. We played at quoits, which he was learn- 
 ing of me ; I, as ufual, threw the quoit up into the air, when Zephyrus, 
 blowing from Taygetus, brought it down direftly on the boy's head; a 
 quantity of blood flowed from the wound, and he died. I purfued the mur- 
 therer with my arrows, and drove him before me into the mountains, then 
 raifed a tomb to my beloved boy at Amycla, where he perilhed, and from 
 his blood caufed a * flower to fpring up, moft beautiful and fragrant, with 
 letters on it lamenting his death. Have I not reafon to be unhappy ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 You have : but you knew you had fixed your afFedtions on a mortal ; 
 therefore, fince he is dead, grieve no more, 
 
 DIALOGUE VII. 
 
 J U N O and L A T O N A. 
 
 JUNO. 
 A beautiful race of children, Latona, you and Jupiter have produced ! 
 
 L A T O N A. 
 It is not every one, Juno, can bring forth fuch a fon as Vulcan. 
 
 * AJio-Mer,'\ See this flory charmingly told by Ovid, in the tenth book of his Metamor- 
 phofes. 
 
 JUNO.
 
 i 
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 73 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 To be fure he is a little lame : but he Is ufeful, an excellent artift, 
 
 and has made heaven very fine : he married Venus too, and is highly ef- 
 
 teemed on her account. Then, for your other children, * one of them is 
 
 extremely mafculine, a perfedt mountaineer; Ihe runs about killing and 
 
 eating Itrangers like the Scythians, thofe devourers of human flefh. As to 
 
 Apollo, he pretends to know every thing ; to fhoot, to play upon the harp, 
 
 to cure all diftempers, and to prophecy; fets up his divination (hops at Del- 
 
 phos, Claros, and Didymse, and drav^s in the fools that confult him, giving 
 
 them fuch ambiguous anfwers as may be interpreted either way, and fo 
 
 fave the credit of his falfhoods : this makes him forich; for there are 
 
 thoufands mad enough to be deceived by his tricks ; but thofe who know 
 
 better fee through the impofture. This prophet could not forefee that he 
 
 ihould deflroy his beloved Hyacinthus; nor could he foretell that Daphne 
 
 would defpife him, with all his beauty, and his fine locks. I fee no rea- 
 
 fon, therefore, why you ihould think your children fo much handfomer 
 
 than Niobe*s. 
 
 L A T O N A. 
 
 I know why this murtherer of flrangers, and this falfe prophet you talk of, 
 
 gives you fo much uneafinefs ; becaufe you cannot bear to fee them amongft 
 
 the gods : efpecially when one is fo much admired for her beauty, and the 
 
 other plays on the harp at the banquet with univerfal applaufe. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 Now, indeed, Latona, I muft laugh ; when Marfyas, you know, was Co 
 fuperior to him in the art, that if the Mufes had not pafled an unjufl fentence, 
 Marfyas would have flayed him, and not he Marfyas ; but the poor wretch 
 was condemned to perifh in his ftead. As to your handfome daughter, (he 
 was fo beautiful, that after being feen by Ad^on, Ihe had him worried to 
 death by the dogs, for fear he fhould difcover her uglinefs ; not to mention, 
 that Ihe would hardly adt as a midwife, if fhe were herfelf a virgin. 
 
 LATONA. 
 
 You are proud of being the wife of Jupiter, and reigning with him, and 
 that makes you give yourfelf fuch airs ; but I Ihall fee you foon whimpering 
 and crying, when he leaves you here, and rambles down to earth, in the 
 ihape of a bull, or a fwan. 
 
 * One of them.'] Diana, 
 
 Vol. I. L DIA-
 
 74 
 
 DIALOGUES OF THE GODS. 
 
 DIALOGUE VIII. 
 
 jUNOandJUPITER. 
 
 JUNO. 
 I SHOULD be afhamed, Jupiter, to have fuch a * fon as your's ; fo ef- 
 feminate, fo drunken ; his hair tied up with a bonnet ; always amongft a 
 parcel of mad women ; himfelf more delicate than any of them ; dancing to 
 tabors, pipes, and cymbals ; and, in Ihorr, more like any body elfe than 
 
 his father. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 And yet this delicate, woman-like creature, with his hair tied up, has not 
 
 only fubdued Lydia, Thrace, and the inhabitants of Tmolus, but, with his 
 
 female army, marched againll the Indians, feized their elephants, took pof- 
 
 feffion of their country ; and, after a weak refiftance, led their fovereign 
 
 captive : and this he did, dancing and finging all the time, with fpears 
 
 made of ivy ; and fometimes, as you fay, a little drunk and mad ; and if 
 
 any one affronted him, by ridiculing his facred rites, would bind him with 
 
 vine-twigs, or have him torn to pieces, as kids are by their dams. Thefe 
 
 aftions, you fee, are manly, and not unworthy of his father : if, at the fame 
 
 time, he eats, drinks, fports, and plays, I fee no harm in it ; efpecially when 
 
 you confider what he muft be when he is fober, who can do fuch things 
 
 when he is drunk. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 I fuppofe you will praife him, too, for his invention of the grape ; though 
 you fee how thofe who ufe it tumble about, and how abufive they are, drink- 
 ing even till they run mad with it. Icarius, the very firfl who tafted the 
 juice of the vine, was beat to death with clubs, by his own pot-companions. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 All this is faying nothing to the purpofe : it was not the wine, nor Bac- 
 chus, that was in fault; it was the excefs, drinking more than they ought ; 
 but he that drinks with moderation, is only the merrier, and the better tem- 
 pered : Icarius did not ufe his companions as they did him. But I fee plain-'" 
 ly, this is nothing but jealoufy ; you find fault with Bacchus, only becaufe 
 you remember Semele, 
 
 * Such a/o»f] Bacchue the fon of Jupiter, by Semele, 
 
 DIA-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 
 
 DIALOGUE IX. 
 
 n 
 
 VENUSandCUPID. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 HOW comes it to pafs, Cupid, that whilft you attack Jupiter, Juno, 
 
 Neptune, Apollo, nay, and even me, your own mother, and all the gods 
 
 and goddefles, Minerva alone efcapes you ? againft her your torch has 
 
 no fire j your quiver no arrows : you have neither bow, nor ikill to ufe 
 
 one. 
 
 CUPID. 
 
 In truth, mother, I am afraid of her ; Ihe is fo m.afculine, fo formidable, 
 
 and looks fo fiercely. Whenever I flretch my bow againft her, fiie Ihakes her 
 
 crefted helmet, and fo terrifies me, that I tremble all over, and my arrows 
 
 drop out of my hand. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Was not Mars much more formidable, and yet, though armed, you con- 
 quered him ? 
 
 CUPID. 
 
 But he voluntarily yields, and even invites me ; whilft Minerva always 
 looks fternly on me. Once I flew ralhly up, and held my torch clofe to 
 her, when immediately Ihe cried out, '' By my father, if you approach a 
 ilep nigher to me, I will run you through with this lance, take you by the 
 foot, and hurl you headlong down to Tartarus, or tear you into a thoufand 
 pieces." Thus did Ihe threaten me : then Ihe looks fo four, and carries on 
 her breaft a frightful Gorgon's head, with fnakes round it, which I fiiuddcr 
 at, and run away whenever I fee her. 
 
 V E N U Si 
 So you are afraid of Minerva and her Gorgon, more than of Jove's thun- 
 der : but how happens it that the Mufes alfo are invulnerable by you, and 
 fafe from the power of your darts ? Do they fhake their crefted helmets and 
 
 Gorgon s too? 
 
 CUPID. 
 
 Them I revere : they are always grave, and wrapped in meditation, and in- 
 tent on facred fong : I often ftand by and liftcn to them, delighted with their 
 
 melody. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Well, fince they are fo reverend, let them alone ; but why do not you 
 
 attack Diana ? 
 
 L 2 C U P I D^
 
 76 DIALOGUES OFTHE GODS. 
 
 CUPID. 
 
 To fay the truth, in one word, Ihe flies into the mountains, and I cannot 
 overtake her ; befides, fhe is entirely taken up with a paffion of her own. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 What paffion, child ? 
 
 ^ CUPID. 
 
 Oh ! hunting flags and hinds, which fhe purfues, and kills with her ar- 
 rows ; this employment takes up all her time : but as for her brother, ib 
 famous for his bow, that far-fhooting god — 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Aye, him, I know, you have wounded often enough. 
 
 DIALOGUE X. 
 
 MARS AND MERCURY. 
 
 MARS. 
 
 DID you hear. Mercury, how Jupiter threatened us ? Such boafling, and 
 
 fo ridiculous too ! " I will hang * a chain," fays he, " down from heavea, 
 
 and you fhall all of you get at one end of it, and pull againft me, to no pur- 
 
 pofe, for you will never draw me down ; whereas, if I have a mind to lift it 
 
 up, I can not only draw you, but the earth, and fea, together with you, into 
 
 heaven." Thus he went on with a good deal more fluff of the fame kind. 
 
 Now, though I think him flronger than e'er a one of us ; yet, that he alone 
 
 is fo powerful as to weigh us all down, even if we took the earth and feas to 
 
 our afjjflance;i is what 1 will never believe. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Softly, good Mars ; it is not fafe to talk thus, lefl we fuffer for our prating» 
 
 * I ivlll hang a chain^l^c.'] Alluding to that pa (Tage in the eighth book of Homer's Iliad^ 
 ■where Jupiter threatens all the deities with the pains of Tartarus, if they aflifl either fide in the 
 approaching battle. It is thus tranflated by Pope : 
 Letdown our golden everlafting chain, 
 
 Whofe flrong embrace holds heaven, and earth, and main j 
 
 Strive all of mortal and immortal birth, 
 
 To drag by this the thund'rer down to earth : 
 
 Ye flrive in vain ! if 1 but llretch this hand,, 
 
 I heave ithe gods, the ocean, and the land ; 
 
 I fix the chain to great Olympus height. 
 
 And the vaft world hangs trembling in my fight. 
 There is fomcthing in the idea of this long chain, which, in fpite of all that the critics have 
 urged in its defence, borders nearly on the ridiculous. It certainly ftruck Lucian in this light, 
 n he takes frec^uent opportuuitics of laughing at the abfurdity of it, 
 
 M A R Sa
 
 DIALOGUES oFTHE GODS. ;; 
 
 MARS. 
 You do not think I would venture to fay this to every body ; I only fpeak 
 in confidence to you, whofe fecrecy I can depend on : it appeared fo ridicu- 
 lous to me to hear him threatening in this manner, that I could not help 
 fpeaking of it. It is not long fince Neptune, Juno, and Minerva, entered 
 into a confpiracy againfl him, and would have bound him prifoner : then I 
 remember how frightened he was, and turned himfelf into a thoufand fhapes, 
 when there were only * three of them ; and if Thetis, in compaflion to him, 
 had not called in Briareus, with his hundred hands, to his affiftance, in fpitc 
 of all his thunder and lightning he mud have been overcome : when I think 
 of this, I muft laugh at his vain glory. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Silence, or good words, I befeech you ; for fuch as thefe, it neither befits: 
 you to fpeak, nor me to hear, 
 
 DIALOGUE XL 
 
 MERCURY andMAIA. 
 MERCURY. 
 O M Y mother, is there in heaven a god fo wretched as- 1 am ? 
 
 -M A I A. 
 Talk not thus. Mercury, I befeech you. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Have I not reafon ? Fatigued as I am with perpetual employment, and 
 dlftraded with a thoufand different offices. Firli, I muft get up early, and 
 fet out the breakfaft- table, then, when I have got the council-chamber 
 ready, and put every thing in order, muft I wait on Jove, and carry mef- 
 fages up and down for him all the day ; and, when I come home, all over 
 dirt and duft, muft go and ferve up ambrofia; nay, and before this new 
 cup-bearer came, was obliged to hand round the nedlar alfo ; but, what is 
 worft of all, I have no reft even of nights; for then I am employed in con^ 
 
 * Three oftkem^ ^c.'\ Alluding to this paflage in the Iliad, 
 When the bright partner of his awful reign. 
 The warlike maid, and monarch of the main ; 
 The traitor gods, by mad ambition driv'n, 
 Durfl threat, with chains, th' omnipotence of heav^i. 
 
 Pope's niad, book!. 1. 518.. 
 
 veying
 
 78 DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 veying the fouls of the dead to Pluto; leading the Ihadcs about, and affix- 
 ing at the feat of judgment. It is not fufficient that I am all day in buii- 
 ncfs, exercifed in the palaeftra, chief crier of the councils, or teaching the 
 orators ; but I mull be arbiter amongrt the dead too. The fons of ^ Leda 
 take their turns to be above and below, but I mud be in both places every 
 day. Bacchus and Hercules, both the offspring of poor mortal women, 
 feaft and play ; whilft I, the fon of Atlantis, am forced to wait on them. 
 I am but this moment returned from Sidon, where I have been on a mef- 
 fage to the daughter of Cadmus, to fee what (he is about ; and now, be- 
 fore I can take breath, muft I pod: away to Danae, at Argos ; from thence 
 he tells me to march into Boeotia, and call by the way upon Antiope : in 
 Ihort, I am quite out of heart, and, if it were poffible, fhould defire to be 
 fold to fome other mafter, like my fellow-Haves on earth. 
 
 M A I A. 
 Talk no more in this manner, child, but obey your father, as a fon 
 ought to do. Away to Argos, and from thence as you were bid ; left, if 
 you loiter, you may be trimmed for it ; lovers, my dear, are very iraf- 
 cible, 
 
 DIALOGUE XIL 
 
 JUPITERandtheSUN. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 THOU worft of Titans, what mifchief haft thou done! Deftroyed 
 the whole earth, by trufting your chariot to a foolifli boy, who has burned 
 one half of the world, by driving too near it ; and killed the other, by with- 
 drawing his heat from it; and, in ftiort, put every thing into diforder and 
 confufion. If I had not interfered, and ftruck him down with my thunder- 
 bolt, not a man had been left alive ; fuch a pretty coachman had you 
 
 fent us. 
 
 SUN. 
 
 I own my fault, Jupiter ; but do not be angry if I was over-perfuaded 
 
 * Sons of Lcila,'] Caftor and Pollux. The latter of thefe twin-brothers intreated his father, 
 Jupiter, that the gift of immortality might be between them. Jupiter confented ; and the two 
 heroes, we are told, died by turns : like a couple of buckets, the uppermofl remained on earth, 
 whilft the other remained dipped in the Styx. In a following dialogue we ftiall have more of 
 them. 
 
 by
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 79 
 
 by my fon's importunity : how could I ever have imagined fuch a misfor- 
 tune would have happened ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Did not you know how much care and caution are neceflary in this ; and 
 that if you go but one flep out of the way every thing muft be ruined, did 
 not you know the violent fpirit of the horfes, and that the reins mufl be 
 held tight by main force ? if you give way in the leaft, they are gone, as he 
 experienced, for away they pulled him, fometimes to the right, fomctimes 
 to the left, fometimes direftly contrary to his proper courfe, upwards and 
 downwards, and, in Hiort, wherever they pleafed ; he was utterly at a lofs 
 how to manage them. 
 
 SUN. 
 
 All that I knew, and therefore refufed him a long time, and would not 
 truft him to drive ; but when he, and his mother Clymene, by tears and 
 prayers, had at lafl prevailed on me, I placed him myfelf in the chariot, dl- 
 redted him where to go, taught him how high he mufl mount up, and how 
 low he muft defcend, how to manage the reins, and keep the horfes in pro- 
 perly. I told him how great the danger was if he did not go in the right 
 track: but he, for he was but a child, furrounded with fuch fire, and loft 
 in fuch an Immenfity of fpace beneath him, I fuppofe, was ftupified : the 
 horfes no fooner perceived that it was not I who drove them, than defpifing 
 the youth, they turned out of the path, and did all this mifchief: he, 
 letting go the reins, and afraid, I fuppofe, of being thrown off", held faft by 
 the nave of the wheel : but he has fuffered for his folly, and I have felt 
 enough on his account, 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 You think fo : but for fuch crimes, perhaps, you have not. This time, 
 however, I forgive you ; but if you are guilty of the like again, and fend 
 us fuch another deputy hereafter, you Ihall foon fee whofe flames are the 
 fierceft, your's or mine. Let his fifters bury him at Eridanus, where he 
 fell from the chariot, and weep amber over him. Then let them be con- 
 verted, through grief, into poplar trees. Do you mind your chariot (for 
 the pole is broke, and one of the wheels demolilhed), put the horfes to, and 
 drive : but do not forget what has happened. 
 
 D I A-
 
 ^o DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 
 
 DIALOGUE Xlir. 
 
 APOLLO AND MERCURY. 
 APOLLO. 
 
 CAN you tell me. Mercury, which of thofe is Caftor, and which Pollux > 
 
 for I cannot eafily diftinguilh them. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 He who was with us yefterday is Caftor, the other is Pollux/ 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 How do you know them one from the other ? for they are extremely 
 
 alike. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Pollux has marks in his face, of the wounds he received formerly at a 
 boxing-match ; one in particular from Amycus the Bebrycian, when he 
 failed with Jafon to Colchos. The face of the other is fmooth and unhurt. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 I thank you for teaching me how to diftinguifh them ; for, with regard to 
 every thing elfe, they are perfedtly alike ; each has his half-egg, his (tar, a 
 fpear in his hand, and a white horfe, infomuch, that I have often called Pol- 
 lux Caftor, and Caftor Pollux : but tell me, how happens it, that only one of 
 them is with us at a time, and that they are mortal and immortal by turns ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 This they do from brotherly love to each other ; for, as it was decreed by 
 Fate, that one of Leda's fons fhould die, and the other not, they agreed to 
 divide the immortality between them. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 It was an unbrotherly dlvifion ; for now they can never fee one another, 
 which one would think they mutually defired : but how can that ever hap- 
 pen, when one is with the gods, and the other with the ftiades below ? But, 
 moreover, I, you know, am a prophet; i^fculapius is a phylician ; you teach 
 in the palzeftra, and are an excellent fchool-mafter ; Diana is a midwife; every 
 one of us pradtifes fome art that is of ufe to gods or men : but of what fer- 
 vice are thefe brothers ? are they to do nothing at their age but eat and drink 
 
 with us? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 By no means ; they are appointed to affift Neptune; to ride upon the fea; 
 
 and.
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 8i 
 
 and, if they behold mariners in danger of perilliing by (hip-wreck, to fit at 
 the heUt), and condudt them fafe to port. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 Aa excellent and mofl falutary art, indeed. Mercury. 
 
 DIALOGUE XIV. 
 
 NEPTUNE AND POLYPHEMUS. 
 
 POLYPHEMUS. 
 O FATHER, what have I fuifered from that deteftable flrangcr, who 
 put my e) es out whilft I was allcep and in li''VJor ! 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Who was it, Polyphemus, that could dare to do it ? 
 
 POLYPHEMUS. 
 At firfl he called himfelf. Nobody ; but, it feems, wher he had efcaped 
 out of the reach of my darts, owned that his name was Ulyflcs. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Of Ithaca, you mean ; I know him : he failed from Troy. But could 
 he do this ? He was never famous for courage. 
 
 POLYPHEMUS. 
 Returning one day from the meadows, I feized feveral robbers, laying 
 in wait for my cattle, made the door faft, for 1 have an immenfe large 
 flone on purpofe, and kindled a fire, with a tree I had brought down from 
 the mountain; when they endeavoured to hide themfelves, I caught fome 
 of them; and, as robbers ought to be ferved, devoured them : then, that 
 fubtleft of all rogues, Uiyfles, or Nobody, call him what you will, gave 
 me fome potion, pleafant both to the tafle and fmell, but dangerous and 
 intoxicating; for, as foon as I had drank it, every thing feemed to wheel 
 round with me, and the cave was turned topfy-turvy ; in fhort, I was quite 
 befide myfelf : at length I fell afleep ; when, Iharpening the bar of the door, 
 and fetting it on fire, as I flcpt, he put out my eyes, and I have been blind 
 
 ever fince. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 How foundly you mufl have flept, not to have been roufed whilft he was 
 putting your eyes out! But how did Uiyfles get off? For I am fure he 
 could not move the ftone from the door. 
 
 Vol. I, M POLY-
 
 82 DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 POLYPHEMUS. 
 
 I moved It myfelf, that I might catch him the eafier as he went out : 
 and, placing myfelf at the entrance of the cave, ftretched out my hands to 
 feel for him, letting the fheep go into the meadows, under the care of the 
 leading ram, who did my bufinefs for me. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 I underfland you, now ; and fo he crept out under them : but you Ihould 
 have called the reft of the Cyclops together againft him. 
 POLYPHEMUS. 
 
 So I did, father, and they came ; but when they afked me the villain's 
 name, and I told them it was Nobody, they thought me mad, and went 
 their way. Thus did the wretch impofe on me by a falfe name : but what 
 hurt me moft was, he reproached me with my misfortune, and told me, 
 Neptune himfelf could not cure me. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 Be comforted, fon, for I will be revenged on him ; he Ihall know, that 
 though I cannot cure blindnefs, I have power to fave or deftroy failors ; 
 and he is flill upon the fea. 
 
 DIALOGUE XV. 
 
 M E N E L A U S and PROTEUS. 
 
 M E N E L A U S. 
 THAT you were changed into water, Proteus, 1 can believe, becaufe 
 you belong to the * fea ; or into a tree, that I can away with ; nay, that 
 you were once turned into a lion, is not abfolutely impoffible : but that you, 
 who live in the fea, fhould be changed into fire, raifes my aftonifliment, 
 nor can I ever be brought to believe it. 
 
 PROTEUS. 
 Never wonder, Menelaus, for fire I am. 
 
 MENELAUS, 
 So I perceive ; but to tell you my opinion, you feem to put fome trick 
 
 * To f/jc/tvt, ijfc.'\ Proteus, the fon of Oceanus and Tethys, was a fea-god of the firfl con- 
 fcquence, and deicribcd to us as the prime minilter of Neptune. He had likewife the cha- 
 rafter of a famous prophet. AVhen Menelaus, returning from Troy, was fhipwrecked on the 
 coaft of yEgypt, he is faid to have confulted Proteus with regard to the beft means of efcaping, 
 a circurallance which accounts for Lucian's bringing them together in this dialogue. 
 
 upon
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 83 
 
 upon us, and to deceive the eyes of the fpedtators, when in reality you are 
 
 no fuch thing. 
 
 PROTEUS. 
 
 What deception can there be in things fo evident? Did not you fee, 
 
 with your eyes open, how many Ihapes 1 tran formed myfelf ir,to ? But if 
 
 you will not believe ir, and think it is only a delufion, when I turn myfelf 
 
 into fire, put your hand out to me, and then you will feel, my good 
 
 friend, whether I have only the appearance of fire, or the power of it to 
 
 burn. 
 
 MENELAUS. 
 
 It is a dangerous experiment. 
 
 PROTEUS. 
 
 I fuppofe you never faw a polypus, nor know what frequently happens 
 
 with regard to that fiih. 
 
 MENELAUS. 
 
 A polypus I have feen, but the peculiar circumflances you mention, 
 
 Ihould be glad to learn from you. 
 
 PROTEUS. 
 
 * When it comes near a rock, it fixes its wet claws in it, and flicking 
 
 by its fhagged hair, changes its colour into that of the rock, that it may 
 
 not be difcovered by the fifhermen ; and is fo exadtly like, that it cannot be 
 
 diflinguifhed from it. 
 
 MENELAUS. 
 
 It is fo reported. But your change, Proteus, is flili more incredible. 
 
 PROTEUS. 
 If you will not believe your own eyes, 1 do not know who you will be- 
 lieve. 
 
 MENELAUS. 
 
 Mofl certainly, I did fee it : but for the fame perfon to be both fire and 
 water is, indeed, a miracle. 
 
 * When it comes near., ts^c."] This agrees with Ovid's account. See his Halieuticon, 1. 30. 
 Scopulis crinali corpore fegnis 
 Polypus haeret, & hac eludlt retia frande, 
 Et fub lege loci fumit mutatque colorem. 
 This extraordinary quality of the polypus is mentioned likewife by Pliny, Plutarch, ^Elian, 
 and other writers, 
 
 M 2 D I A-
 
 84 DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 DIALOGUE XVI. 
 
 PA NOPE AND GALEN E. 
 
 P A N O P E. 
 
 DID you obferve, Galene, what Eris did at the banquet in Theflaly, 
 becaufe fhe was not invited to it herfelf ? 
 
 G A L E N E. 
 
 I was not there, Panope, having been commanded by Neptune to keep 
 the fea fmooth, during the entertainment : but what was it ? 
 
 P A N O P E. 
 
 Peleus and Thetis, condudted by Neptune and Amphitrite, had retired 
 to their chamber : Eris, in the mean time, unknown to any body, (for Ihe 
 could not well be difcovered, whilft fome were drinking, others applaud- 
 ing Phcebus playing on the harp, or liftening to the fongs of the Mufes) 
 threw into the room a mod beautiful apple, all over gold, with this in- 
 fcription on it, for the fairejl. It rolled about, and flopped, as it were on 
 purpofe, at the place where Juno, Venus, and Minerva were laying down. 
 Mercury took it up, and read the infcription. We Nereids faid nothing; 
 what, indeed, could we do when they were prefent ? A contention imme- 
 diately arofe between them, and each claimed it as her own. If Jupiter had 
 not interfered, they would foon have come to blows : they would fain bave 
 had him determine it, but he would not. I will not be judge, faid he, in 
 this affair : let them go to mount Ida, to Priam's fon, who will diftinguifh 
 which is the handfomeft; being an excellent judge of beauty, and one who 
 
 cannot be miftaken. 
 
 G A L E N E. 
 
 What faid the goddefles to this ? 
 
 P A N O P E. 
 This very day they go to mount Ida. 
 
 G A L E N E. 
 Will any one come back and tell us who is the conqueror ? 
 
 P A N O P E. 
 I can pronounce beforehand, that where Venus contends, fhc will have 
 no fuperior ; unlefs the judge is ftark blind. 
 
 D I A-
 
 ^y, DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 85 
 
 DIALOGUE XVII. 
 
 NEPTUNE AND THE DOLPHINS. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 WELL have ye done, my Dolphins, ye are always friendly to mankind; 
 
 witnefs your carrying Juno's fon to the Ifthmus, from the rocks of Scyron, 
 
 when he was thrown down from thence Into the fea ; and now you have 
 
 faved this harper of Methymna, fwimming with him to Tcenarus, harp, 
 
 garland and all, upon your backs ; and would not fuffer him to be torn to 
 
 pieces by the fallors. 
 
 DOLPHINS. 
 
 Wonder not, Neptune, at our benevolence to mankind ,* for we ourfelves 
 
 were men, before we were turned into filh. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 Bacchus, I think, was much to blame for transforming you thus, after 
 
 conquering you In a fea-fight ; he might have been fatlsfied with reducing 
 
 you to obedience, as he did fo many others. But how happened this affair 
 
 of Arion ? 
 
 DOLPHINS. 
 
 Perlander, I fuppofe, was very fond of him, and, on account of his fkill, 
 
 frequently invited him. At length, enriched by the king's bounty, and now 
 
 on his return to Methymna, he boafted of the wealth he had acquired ; and 
 
 being on board a vefTel belonging to fome woi thlefs fellows, brago-ed much of 
 
 the great quantity of gold and filver which he had brought with him : whc-n 
 
 they had got almofl into the middle of the JEgean, they confpired together 
 
 agalnft him, whereupon (for as I fwam by the boat I overheard every thing): 
 
 " If, fays he to them, you are fo determined, permit me at leaft to take my 
 
 garland, and, after finging you a funeral anthem, to throw myfelf overboard : 
 
 the fallors confented ; and he, taking his garland, and finging them fome 
 
 foft ditty, jumped into the fea, expecting to be drowned immediately : bui 
 
 I took him upon my back, and fwam with him to Tsnarus. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Your love of harmony I approve ; you have really paid him well for his 
 piping. 
 
 D I A^
 
 86 DIALOGUES OF THE GODS. 
 
 DIALOGUE XVIII. 
 
 NEPTUNE AND THE *NEREIDS. 
 NEPTUNE. 
 HENCEFORTH let this Streight, where the f girl was loft, be called 
 from her, the Hellefpont. Do you, Nereids, carry the body to Troy, to 
 be buried by her countrywomen. 
 
 A M P H I T R I T E. 
 Rather, Neptune, let us bury it in the fea that bears her name : we fin- 
 cerely pity her ; for dreadful are the evils Ihe has fuffered from her mother- 
 in-law. ^^ ^ 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 That, Amphitrite, muft not be, nor will it be decent to leave her on the 
 fand; but, as I faid before, let her be buried at Cherfonefus. One com- 
 fort yet remains for her, that J Ino will foon fuffer the fame fate; Athamas 
 will purfue her, and fhe will be thrown down, with her child in her arms, 
 into the fea, from mount Cithseron. 
 
 AMPHITRITE. 
 
 She fliould be faved, for Bacchus' fake, whom Ihe nurfed and educated. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Not when Ihe is fo wicked, Amphitrite ; though Bacchus Ihould certainly 
 
 be oblio;ed. 
 
 ^ AMPHITRITE. 
 
 But how happened it that fhe fell off the ram, whilft her brother, Phryxus, 
 was carried fafely by him ? 
 
 * Nereids,"] Sea-nymphs, daughters of Nereus and Doris. According to Hefiod, there were 
 jio lefs than threefcore of them. Groves were dedicated, and temples erefted to them in feve- 
 ral parts of Greece, near the fea-fliore. Amphitrite, one of the moft famous amongft them, 
 is in this dialogue fpokefwoman for the whole body. 
 
 + The 'rirl, fe'r ] Helle, daughter of Athamas king of Thebes, and Nephele ; fhe ran away 
 from her mother-in-law, as young ladies are very apt to do, and attempted to crofs the fea on 
 a ram with a golden fleece, which her papa had given her, but was fo frightened that fhe fell 
 into the fea and was drowned. The little arm of the place where the accident happened ever 
 after bore the name of the Hellefpont. 
 
 X Ino, tfff.] The fecond wife of Athamas, who, in return for her cruelty to Phryxus and 
 Helle, his children by Nephele, flew bis fon Learchus, and would have murthered her ; to 
 avoid his rage, fhe took her other boy, Melintus, in her arms, and threw herfelfinto the fea, 
 where Ovid has turned her into a goddefs. See Metam. b. iv, 
 
 N E P-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 87 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 No wonder ; he is a young man, and had ftrength to manage him : but 
 Ihe, getting upon a beaft Ihe was not ufed to, and looking down upon the 
 raft deep beneath her, was ftruck with fear and aftonifhment, her head fwam 
 withal, from the rapidity of the motion, and not able to keep her hold of 
 the ram's horn, which had hitherto fupported her, fhe fell into the fea. 
 
 A M P H I T R I T E. 
 
 Her mother Nephele fhould have caught her as Ihe fell. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 She fhould : but Fate is far more powerful than Nephele. 
 
 "dialogue XIX. 
 
 IRIS AND NEPTUNE. 
 
 IRIS. 
 THAT floating * ifland which was torn away from Sicily, and now, co- 
 vered by the waves, fwims about the fea, you, Neptune, by command of 
 Jupiter, mud raife up, and bring into view, fo that it may appear plainly 
 in the middle of the ^gean, and fland firm and immoveable, for a certain 
 ufe which is to be made of it. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Iris, it fhall be done j but what great fervice can it be of, when it is fixed, 
 and above water ? 
 
 IRIS. 
 Latona is to be brought-to-bed there, fhe is in labour already. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Well, and cannot fhe lay-in in heaven ? or, if that will not fuffice, is not 
 the whole earth large enough to receive her progeny ? 
 
 IRIS. 
 No; for Juno has forced the Earth to take a folemn oath, not to afford 
 her any place for that purpofe ; but this ifland is not bound by that oath, 
 becaufe, you know, it was not vifible. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 I comprehend it now ; therefore, Ifland, ftand you fllll ; emerge from the 
 
 * Floating ijlanil,'] DeloE, the mod renowned of the Cycladcs. The ftory of its rife, as told 
 by the poets, is a fine fubjeCt for ridicule, and Lucian has treated it accordingly. 
 
 deep ;
 
 88 DIALOGUES OF THE GODS, 
 
 deep ; fink no more, but remain fixed ; happy Ihalt thou be in receiving two 
 of my brother's children, who hereafter fhall be the moft beautiful of all the 
 gods. You, O Tritons, tranfport Latona hither, and let all things be kept 
 quiet : the ferpent which now fo terrifies her even to madnefs, (hall the in- 
 fants, as foon as they are born, deftroy, and revenge their mother. Do you, 
 Iris, tell Jupiter, every thing is ready : the ifland is fixed ; let Latona come, 
 and cry out as foon as fhe will. 
 
 DIALOGUE XX. 
 
 XANTHUS AND THE SEA. 
 
 X A N T H U S. 
 GOOD Sea, receive me, and heal my wounds, for I have been cruelly 
 
 VI fed. 
 
 SEA. 
 
 What is the matter, Xanthus, who has burned you up fo ? 
 
 XANTHUS. 
 
 * Vulcan : I am perfedlly parched, and all in a foam. 
 
 SEA. 
 And why did he throw fire upon you ? 
 
 XANTHUS. 
 
 On account of Achilles. I had intreated him feveral times, but to no 
 purpofe, to leave off flaying the Trojans : ftill he went on, and flopped up 
 my channel with carcafes, till, in compaflion to the poor wretches, I 
 threatened to drown him with my waters, in hopes that the dread of it 
 would induce him to ceafe the flaughter : when Vulcan, for he was near at 
 hand, ruflied upon me with all the fire, I believe, he had, and all that he 
 could get from i^tna, and every other place, burned up my elms and 
 flirubs, and roafted my eels, all my poor fifli, made me boil, and was within 
 a very little of leaving me quite dry. You fee what a condition I am in 
 with the flames. 
 
 * Vulcan, ^r.] In the twenty-third book of the Iliad, Homer makes Achilles flay fo many 
 Trojans, that the river, who is reprefented as a god, in refentment of being fo diHurbed, 
 overflows, and nearly overwhelms the hero. Achilles applies to Jupiter, who fends Vulcan to 
 dry up the river. The fanguine admirers of Homer extol the fublimity of this conception: 
 x\\t idea is, notwithftanding, undoubtedly outre^ and borders nearly on the burlefque. Lu- 
 cian, it is plain, faw the ridicule of it. 
 
 SEA.
 
 D I A L O G U E S OF THE G O D S. 89 
 
 SEA. 
 You are warm, indeed, and dirturbed, as one might expedl from the 
 blood and carcafes, and hot, as you fay, from the fire : but you deferve it, 
 for attacking my fon, and not confidering that he is the offspring of a 
 Nereid. 
 
 X A N T H U S. 
 Could I help taking compaffion on my neighbouring Trojans > 
 
 SEA. 
 And how could Vulcan help taking pity on the fon of Thetis ? 
 
 DIALOGUE XXI. 
 
 DORIS AND THETIS. 
 
 DORIS. 
 
 Thetis, what makes you weep thus ? 
 
 THETIS. 
 Doris, I have juft nowfeen amoft beautiful ^ young creature, fliut up in 
 a chcfl, with her new-born infant, by her cruel father, who ordered the 
 failors, when they had got a good way out from land, to throw the cheft 
 into the fea, that they might both perifh. 
 
 DORIS. 
 Pray, filler, for what reafon ? for I fuppofe you know the whole affair. 
 
 THETIS. 
 Her father, Acrifius, as fhe was exceffively handfome, had locked her up 
 in a brazen tower, to preferve her virginity ,• and, they fay, whether true 
 or falfe I know not, that Jupiter rufhed in upon her, through the tiles in a 
 golden ftiower ; that Ihe received the flowing god into her bofom, and be- 
 came pregnant. As foon as her father, a morofe and fpiteful fellow, per- 
 ceived it, he was violently enraged at her, imagining flie mull have been 
 debauched by fomebody ; and, as foon as Ihe was brought to bed, threw 
 her, child and all, into this chefl. 
 
 DORIS. 
 
 And how did fhe behave upon it ? 
 
 • Toung creature,] Danae, daughter of Acrifius, king of Argos, The ftorj' is too well 
 known to fland in need of any elucidation. 
 
 Vol. I. N T H E-
 
 9© DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 THETIS. 
 
 With regard to herfclf, was filent, and fubmitted to her fate ; but begged 
 hard for the poor infant, that it might not be deftroyed, crying at the fame 
 time, and fhevving the pretty creature to its grandfather. The child, igno- 
 rant of its own misfortune, fmiled at the ocean before it, I cannot help 
 weeping when I think of them. 
 
 DORIS. 
 You make me weep too : and are they both dead ? 
 
 THETIS. 
 No : both alive in the cheft, which floats about near Seriphus. 
 
 DORIS. 
 Why cannot we preferve them, by making the fifliermen of Seriphus call 
 their nets, and take them up fafe ? 
 
 THETIS. 
 Right; fo we will, that neither Ihe nor her beauteous infant may perilh. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXII. 
 
 TRITON, NEREIDS, and IPHIANASSA. 
 
 TRITON. 
 
 THAT fea-monfter, which you fent to devour Andromeda, has never 
 hurt her, but is itfelf deftroyed. 
 
 NEREID. 
 By whom, Triton ? Cepheus, I fuppofe, tempting him with that delicious bait, 
 his beautiful daughter, rufhed upon him with a large force, and Hew him. 
 
 TRITON. 
 No. I believe you remember Perfeus, that fon of Danae, who was Ihut 
 up with her by his grandfather in a cheft, and thrown into the fea, whom 
 you took pity on and preferved. 
 
 IPHIANASSA. 
 I remember him well; by this time he muft be grown a man, a noble and 
 
 beautiful one. 
 
 TRITON. 
 
 It was he who killed the monfter. 
 
 IPHIANASSA. 
 
 A bad return for our kindnefs to him ; but how, Triton ? 
 
 T R I.
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 91 
 
 TRITON. 
 I will tell you the whole affair : the king had fent him againft the Gor* 
 gons, and when he came to Lybia 
 
 IPHIANASSA. 
 How, Triton ? Came he alone, or with affiftance ? for it was a difficult 
 
 journey. 
 
 TRITON. 
 
 He came through the air; Minerva lent him wings. When he arrived 
 
 at the place, finding them, I fuppole, afleep, he cut off Medufa's head, 
 
 and flew away. 
 
 IPHIANASSA. 
 
 But how could he fee to do it ? for whoever looks at them is immediately 
 
 flruck blind. 
 
 TRITON. 
 
 Minerva lent him her Ihield (for I heard him tell the ftory to Andromeda, 
 and afterwards to Cepheus), and in that he faw the image of Medufa re- 
 flecfted, as in a looking-glafs ; then, taking hold of her hair with his left 
 hand, and looking at the image, with the fword in his right, cut off her 
 head, and, before her fillers awoke, flew off. After which, coming to- 
 wards ^Ethiopia, and flying nearer to the earth, he faw the beautiful 
 Andromache, chained to a rock, her hair difhevelled, and naked almoll 
 to the waift : at firft he only pitied her unhappy fate, and afked the caufe 
 of it, but, foon after, falling violently in love with her (for it was decreed 
 flie Ihould be faved), refolved to deliver her; and when the dreadful mon- 
 fler came to devour her, the youth, lifting himfelf up in the air, with one 
 handheld his fword, and ft:ruck him, and with the other fliewed him the 
 Gorgon's head, which immediately converted him into ftone. At fight of 
 Medufa all his limbs grew fliff, and he died. Perfeus then loofened the 
 virgin's chains, and led her down, trembling, and on tip-toe from theflippery 
 rock. She is now celebrating her nuptials in the palace of Cepheus, and 
 from thence he carries her to Argos. Thus inftead of death has flie met 
 with happinefs and a hufband. 
 
 NEREID. 
 I am not forry for it; for what injury had the virgin done us ? though her 
 mother was fo vain-glorious, and pretended to be handfomer than ourfelves. 
 
 N a T R I-
 
 02 DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 TRITON. 
 
 Doubtlcfs as a mother, fhe mufl have been very unhappy about her 
 
 ^^"S'""- , N E R E I D. 
 
 Doris we will forget her pride, and indecent boafling ; Ihe has fuffered 
 enough in her fears, let us therefore rejoice in her felicity. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXIII. 
 
 JUPITER AND PROMETHEUS. 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 JUPITER, I befeech you loofe me, for I have fuffered fcverely. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Do you think I will loofe you, when you deferve rather to have much 
 heavier fetters, and the whole weight of Caucafus upon you, not only to have 
 your liver preyed upon by a hundred vulturs, but to have your eyes dug out 
 of your head, for making fuch animals as thefe men and women, and fleal- 
 inff fire from heaven : not to mention your frauds in the diftributing the pro- 
 viiions, when you gave me all the fat pieces, and kept the bed for yourfelf. 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 Have not I been fufficiently punifhed for it, chained as I have been fo long 
 on mount Caucafus, and feeding an eagle, that vileft of all birds, with my 
 
 liver. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 It is not a thoufandth part of what you deferve. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 1 do not defire you to loofe me for nothing : I can tell you fomething of 
 
 the greatefl confequence. 
 
 ^ JUPITER. 
 
 You only mean to make a fool of me. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 What fliall I get by that? You know where Caucafus flands, and have 
 
 more chains left for me, if I am caught in a lie. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Tell me firft what this thing of fuch great confequence is, that you will 
 
 do for me in return. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 
 If I fhould tell you where you are this moment going, v\'ould you then 
 
 think
 
 DIALOGUES OFTHE GODS. 93 
 
 think me worthy of belief, and that I can foretel what will happen here- 
 after ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Mofl undoubtedly. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 You are going then to Thetis, on a little intrigue with her. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 What more ? for you feem to have hit upon the truth. 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 Jupiter, have nothing to do with that Nereid, for if fhe has a child by 
 you, he will ferve you as you did Saturn. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 And fliall I be dethroned, fayeft thou ? 
 
 PROMETHEUS. 
 Heaven forbid ! But an affair with her threatens fomething like it. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Then, Thetis, farewel. For this advice Vulcan Ihall fetyou free. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXIV. 
 
 JUPITER AND CUPID. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 IF I have offended, Jupiter, forgive me ; I am but a poor fimple child. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 You a child, that are^ older than Japetus ! becaufe you have not a beard, 
 and grey hairs, you would be thought a boy, as old and cunning as you are. 
 
 CUPID. 
 
 Old as I am, as you fay, what injury have I done you, that you fhould 
 
 threaten to chain me ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Why, you wicked rogue, conlider what you have done ; have not you 
 
 made a laughing-flock of me ? have not you turned me into a fatyr, a bull, 
 
 a bit of gold, a fwan, an eagle, and what not ? but not a creature have you 
 
 infpired with the love of me, not even fo much as my wife. I am forced to 
 
 * Older than Japetus,'] According to Hefiod (fee his Theogony) Love was the oldefl of all 
 the Gods, fprung from Chaos, and coeval with Earth and Heaven. 
 
 make
 
 94 DIALOGUES ofthe GODS. 
 
 make ufe of flratagems to get poffeffion of them, and to difguife myfelf: 
 they are fond of the Bull, or the Swan, perhaps ; but when I appear in my 
 own fhape, are ready to die with fear. 
 
 CUPID. 
 
 And well they may ; mere mortals cannot bear the fight of Jove. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 How came Apollo to be fo much beloved by Branchus and Hyacinthus ? 
 
 CUPID. 
 Daphne, however, ran away from him, though he had fuch fine locks, 
 and no beard ; but if you want to be amiable, you mull: not fhake your 
 dreadful segis, nor carry your thunder with you, but make yourfelf as agree- 
 able as you can ; let your hair down of each fide, and tie it with a ribbon ; 
 wear a purple veft, put on your gold fandals, and walk in meafured pace to 
 the found of tabor and pipe : then will you be followed by the women, as 
 Bacchus was by the M^nades, and have as many after you. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Away with you ; I would not wilh to be loved on fuch conditions. 
 
 CUPID. 
 Then you muft not fall in love, Jupiter; that is eafily fettled. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Not fo neither ; I muft be in love, and happy in it, but at a cheaper rate ; 
 and on that account you are free. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXV. 
 
 JUPITER AND GANYMEDE. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 KOW, Ganymede, for we are come to our journey's end, kifs me ; you 
 will find, 1 have no crooked beak, or lliarp talons, or wings, as I had when 
 I put on the appearance of a bird. 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 Were not you an eagle jufl now ? and did not you fly down and take me 
 up from the midft of my flock > and now you are a man ; your wings are 
 off, and you li^em quite another creature. 
 
 JUPITER.
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 95 
 
 JUPITER. 
 It is not a man, child, that you fee before you, nor an eagle ; for know, I 
 am the king of all the gods, and only transformed myfelf for a time. 
 
 GANYMEDE 
 What fay you ? are you ^ Pan ? how happens it you have not your pipe ? 
 that you are without horns, and your thighs not hairy ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Do you think there is no other god but him ? 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 No ; we have juft now facrificed a he-goat to him ; as for yon, you feem 
 to me to be nothing but a kidnapper. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Did you never hear of Jupiter, he that rains, and thunders, and lightens, 
 nor fee the altar eredted to him in Gargarus ? 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 And are yoa he that Ihowered down the hail upon us fo plentifully, who 
 are faid to inhabit the fky above us, and make fo much noife, the fame that 
 my father facrificed a ram to ? and what injury had I done you, O king of 
 the gods, that you fhould run away with me in this manner ? the wolves, 
 perhaps, by this time, have ftolen my Iheep, now they are left alone. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Can you, that are made immortal, and the companion of Jupiter, think 
 any longer about Ihec p ? 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 How is that ? Won't you carry me back to-day to Mount Ida } 
 
 JUPITER. 
 What 1 and fo turn myfelf into an eagle for nothing ! No, no; that I 
 
 Ihall not, indeed. 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 
 Then my father will mifs me, and be angry, and I ihall be beat for leaving 
 
 my flock. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 But how will he find you ? 
 
 • Areyou Patty fe'r.] It was very natural for a Ihepherd's boy to imagine there could be no 
 other god but Pan, the tutelary deity of the plain. The charaaeriftic innocence and fimplicity 
 of Ganymede, are well preferved throughout this Dialogue. 
 
 GANYMEDE.
 
 96 DIALOGUES OFTHE GODS, 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 
 Never : I wifti I was with him. If you will let me go, I promlfe you he 
 
 Ihall lacrifice another ram to you in return for my freedom ; we have got a 
 
 hfo-e one at home, three years old, the leader of the flock. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 How fimple and ingenuous this fweet boy is ! For the future, Ganymede, 
 
 you muft forget your flock, and bid adieu to Mount Ida : henceforth you 
 
 niuft refide in heaven, and from thence difpenfe blefljngs on your father, 
 
 and your country : inflead of milk and cheefe, you Ihall eat ambrofia, and 
 
 drink nedar, miniflering them yourfelf to us, and to the reft of the gods; 
 
 and, more than all this, you fliall no longer be a man, but an immortal ; I 
 
 will make you one of the moil beautiful of the flars ; you fliall be fupreme- 
 
 ly happy. 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 
 And if I want to play, who fliall I have to play with me ? on Mount Ida 
 1 had a great many play-fellow^s. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 You fliall have little Cupid to keep you company, and a quantity of play- 
 things; only be eafy and chearful, and think no more of things below. 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 Of what fervice can I be to you ? muft I keep flieep here too ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 No, you muft ferve at feafts, and take care of the nedtar. 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 That will be eafy enough, for I know how to pour out milk, and hand the 
 cup about amongft the fliepherds. 
 
 JUPITER. [Aftde. 
 
 Now is he thinking of his milk, and that he is to ferve men — I tell you, 
 chih', this is heaven, and here we drink nothing but nedlar. 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 Pray, Jupiter, is that fweeter than milk ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 You will know in a little time ; when you have once tafted that, you 
 will not wifti for milk any more. 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 And where am I to fleep o* nights ? with my play-fellow, Cupid ? 
 
 JUPITER.
 
 DIALOGUES or the GODS. 9^ 
 
 JUPITER. 
 No ; I ftole you away on purpofe that you might lleep with me. 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 And cannot you fleep as well alone ; can I make your lleep fweeter ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Certainly; fo beautiful as you arc. 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 How can beauty make any one fleep better ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 O It has fomething delightful in it, and makes our refi: fofter, and more 
 
 agreeable. 
 
 GANYMEDE. 
 
 Why, my father was angry when I llept with him, and faid, I diflurbed 
 
 his reft, with tumbling about, kicking, and talking in my lleep, and ufed 
 
 frequently to fend me to bed with my mother ; it is time, therefore, if you 
 
 took me for this, as you fay, to carry me back to ear^h again, or you will 
 
 fuffer, by laying awake ; for 1 iliall difturb you perpetually with turning and 
 
 tolling. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 So much the better ; I warrant we fhall find fomething to divert us. 
 GANYMEDE. 
 
 You may, but I Ihall go to Heep. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 We fhall fee what is to be done ; in the mean time, do you, Mercury," 
 take him hence ; let him quaff immortality, that he may be qualified to 
 ferve us ; and be fure, teach him how to hand the cup. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXVI. 
 
 NEPTUNE AND MERCURY. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 PRAY, Mercury, may I fpeak with Jupiter? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Not now, Neptune. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 Only tell him I am here. 
 Vol. I. O MERCURY.
 
 58 DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 I tell you, you mufl not trouble him, it is not convenient, and you can- 
 not fee him at prefent. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 Is he with Juno ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 No : quite another aftair. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 I underftand you. Ganymede, I fuppofe. 
 
 JM E R C U R Y. 
 
 No : he is out of order. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 How is this. Mercury ? You alarm me, what is the matter ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 It is really fuch a thing, I am alhamed to tell you. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 O never be alhamed to tell your uncle. 
 
 MERCURY, 
 He is juft now brought to bed. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Ridiculous ! Who is the father, pray ? I did not know he was an her- 
 maphrodite, 
 
 IVI E R C U R Y. 
 
 You will never guefs whence the child came. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 From his head, I fuppofe ; another Minerva : he has a fertile brain. 
 
 ]\,I E R C U R Y. 
 Not fo, Neptune : it is a child of Semele's, that he has hid in his * thigh. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Generoufly done, indeed. Why, he is pregnant in every part of his 
 body. But who is this Semele ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 A Theban woman, one of the daughters of Cadmus ; he had an affair 
 with her, and fne proved with child, 
 
 * In his tbi^hy l5c.'\ This ridiculous fable of Jupiter's thigh is to be met with in Hefiod, 
 Theocritus, and many other ancient writers, though too abfurd, one fhould imagine, to be be- 
 lieved by any oi' them, Even the flory-loving Ovid introduces it with -^Ji credere dlgnu?n, 
 
 N E p.
 
 DIALOGUES OFTHE GODS. pj 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 And fo he lays in inftead of her. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Even fo, Neptune, as abfurd as it may appear to you. Juno came (lily 
 over her (you know how jealous fhe is), and peifuaded her to requeft of 
 Jupiter that he would come to her with all his thunder and lightni.g about 
 him. She liltened to her advice; and when Jove came, his lightning fet 
 the houfe on fi^e, and burned Semele in the midil of it. He ordered me at 
 the fame time to take the child out of her, for ftie was feven months gone, 
 and bring it to him, which I did, and he immediately put it into his thigh, 
 and kept it till the proper time of its birth ; and now, the other * three 
 months being elapfed, he is brought to bed of it, and is very weak and 
 languid after his labour. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 And what is become of the child ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 I carried it to Nyfa, to be nurfed by the nymphs •, and it is to be named 
 
 Dionyfius. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 So he is father and mother too. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 So it feems : but I mud be gone, and get fome water to wafh him, and 
 other things neceffary for a perfon in his condition. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXVII. 
 
 JUPITER AND JUNO. 
 JUNO. 
 SINCE you brought up that Phrygian boy from mount Ida, you take no 
 notice of me. 
 
 * Three months,'] My author, if I underfland him aright, feems here to be a little out in 
 his reckoning. He tells us, a few lines above, that the child was, To Ey-S^vo» ttrrctu.r,fxtoy, a 
 feven months child, confequently the mother was, as I have tranflateJ it, feven months gonCj 
 and now he fays, Tfnu fAr)»'i i^inKit avro, three months afterwards Jupiter brought him forth; 
 fo that this extraordinary child was ten months getting into the world ; which, I believe, is 
 rather longer than ufual. 1 know not how to reconcile this, but fuppofmg that by E'^rrccfixtcnon 
 Lucian meant that Semele was jull entered into the feventh month of her pregnancy ; how to 
 makefenfe of it any other way is, I rauftown, to make ufe of a midwife's phrafe on this fub = 
 ]eft, pail my conception. 
 
 2 U P I"
 
 lOO DIALOGUES OFTHE GODS. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 So it Teems, you are jealous of that fimple lad, who, I am fure, has 
 no harm in him. I thought you were only uneafy about the women that 
 
 kept company with me. 
 
 ^ ^ JUNO. 
 
 You ought to be afhamed of that : it ill becomes the king of the gods to 
 
 leave his lawful wife, and go down to earth to play the fool in the fhape of 
 
 a bull, or a bit of gold. The women, however, flay below, but this boy, 
 
 from Ida, is brought up here to live with us, to be put over my head, and 
 
 to be your cup-bearer, it feems. Were you fo much in want of one ? Are 
 
 Hebe and Vulcan tired of their office ? But his kifles are fweeter than the 
 
 nedlar, and you are always tafting one for the fake of the other, and in the 
 
 light of every body : I have feen you take the cup from him, and kifs the 
 
 brim where he drank; lay by your cCgis and your thunder, and fit playing, 
 
 with him, you with your long beard, the king of gods and men : do not 
 
 flatter yourfelf that you are undifcovered, for I have been an eye-witnefs^ 
 
 of ir. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 And where was the harm of it ? If I would let him kifs you, you would 
 
 not complain. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 You talk like what j^ou are : do you think I would permit a Phrygian boy 
 
 to have any thing to fay to me ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 No refledions on my talle, I defire, for I think him — but I will fay 
 
 no more, 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 I wifh you had married him inflead of me. I am fure you have affronted 
 me often enough on his account. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 You would have your fon Vulcan, I fuppofe, in his place, hopping about, 
 coming red hot from his furnace, with the afhes all over him, to give us the 
 cup out of his black fingers, and have mc kifs thofe footy lips, which even 
 you, who are his m.other, cannot touch : a pretty cup-bearer for the feafl of 
 the gods. Ganymede, in the mean time, mud be fent back to Ida, be- 
 caufe he is neat aiid clean, has rofy fingers, and hands the cup about moffc 
 dexteroufly : and, what to you is worfc than all, has fweet lips. 
 
 JUNO.
 
 DIALOGUES or THE GODS. 
 
 lOl 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 It is only fince this delicate boy came that Vulcan is fo lame, fo black 
 and footy, that you ficken at him : formerly you did not perceive all this : 
 his aihes and his furnace did not ufe to hinder your taking the cup from him. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 You only make yourfelf unhappy, Juno, by this ill temper; and your 
 jealoufy but contributes more to eftrange my affedtion from you. If you do 
 not like to receive the cup from this beautiful youth, let your fon give it 
 you. You, Ganymede, and you only fhall hand it to me ; and what is 
 more, I will have a kifs when you give it, and when you take it away from 
 me. Why thefe tears? child, do not be afraid: whoever affronts you Ihall 
 fuffer for it. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXVIIL 
 
 DORIS AND GALATEA. 
 
 DORIS. 
 
 A MOST beautiful lover, Galatea, that "^ Sicilian ihepherd of your*9. 
 
 GALATEA. 
 
 Let us have none of your fcoffing, Doris, he is the fon of Neptune, be 
 
 he what he will. 
 
 DORIS. 
 
 What Signifies it if he was the fon of Jove, rough and hairy as he is, and, 
 
 what is mofl fhocking of all, with but one eye : will his birth add to his 
 
 beauty ? 
 
 GALATEA. 
 
 His being rough and ruftic, as you call him, does not make him deform- 
 ed, it is the more manly ; and as to the one eye in his forehead, he can fee 
 
 as well as with two. 
 
 DORIS. 
 
 Polypheme, it feems then, as you paint him, is not a lover only, but 
 
 beloved. 
 
 GALATEA. 
 
 Not fo neither; but I cannot bear to hear you abufe him : you only do 
 
 * SuiUanJhephcr(},'\ Polypheme. It does not appear, as I remember, from the teftimony ot 
 any other writer, that Galatea was fond of Polypheme ; who, as the ftory is generally related, 
 flew her lover, Acis : but Lucian probably imagined, if a fib muft be told, he had as good a 
 right as another to tell it his own way. 
 
 it
 
 102 DIALOGUES ofthe GODS. 
 
 it from envy, becaufc, when he was feeding his flock, and faw us playing on 
 the Ihore, at the foot of jEtna, he took no notice of you, but caft his eye 
 on me only, as the handfomeft : that, I know, vexes you ; as it was a cer- 
 tain fign that I appeared the moft worthy of his affedtion, and you were 
 
 "^g^^^^^- DORIS. 
 
 Do you think I envy you the conqueft of your blind Ihepherd ? I do not 
 know any thing he could like you for, but your white fkin ; that, I fuppofe, 
 he is fond of, becaufe he is ufed to milk and cheefe, and any thing that is 
 like them he efteems beautiful. If you look at yourfelf in the water when 
 it is calm, you will find nothing in that face of your's fo very ftriking, ex- 
 cept the whitcnefs ; and there is no beauty in that, without a little red to 
 
 fet it off. . . . rr. -n A 
 
 GALATEA. 
 
 My * white fkin, however, has got me a lover. I do not hear either 
 Ihepherd, failor, or boatman praifing any of your beauties; but my Poly- 
 phemus, not to mention any thing elfe, is mufical. 
 
 DORIS. 
 
 Say no more of that, Galatea, I befeech you; I heard him fing the other 
 day ; when he came to ferenade you, my dear Venus, one would have taken 
 it for the braying of an afs. His harp was like a flag's head, with the flefh 
 taken off: the horns ftuck out like two elbows : to this the firings were 
 tied on without any pegs, he began fomething upon it very harfh and in- 
 harmonious, playing one thing, and f.nging another, in fuch a manner that 
 we could not help laughing at his love ditty, h-cho, as fond as flie is of 
 talkino-, would not anfwer to his brawling : flie would have been alTiamed of 
 repeating his harih and ridiculous fmg-fong. At the fame time, I remember 
 he carried his little darling in his a ms, a bear's whelp, a rough hairy thing, 
 juft like himfelf : O Galatea, who would not envy you fuch a lover ? 
 
 GALATEA. 
 
 Shew me, Doris, one of your own who is handfomer, or can fing and 
 
 play better. 
 
 D O R I ^% 
 
 I have no lovers, nor do I want to have any : but as for our Cyclops, 
 who fmells like a goat, eats raw flelh, and, as they tell me, devours all 
 
 * My vjhitejhin^'] She was called Galatea, from y«^«, milk, on account of the whitenefs of 
 her fkin. 
 
 the
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 103 
 
 the flrangers that come near him, take him to yourfelf, if you pleafe, and 
 give him love for love. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXIX. 
 
 JUPITER AND JUNO. 
 
 JUNO. 
 WHAT think you, Jupiter, of this Ixion ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 That he is a very honefl fellow, and a good companion ; if he was not 
 I fhould not admit him to my table. 
 
 JUNO. 
 He ought never to have been admitted, for his iofolence ; and I beg he 
 may be fufFered there no longer. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 What has he done, then ? for I mufl know it, 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 It is fit you fhould ; and yet it is fuch a thing, I am afhamed to tell you.. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 The worfe it is, the more neceflary it fhould be known : has he attempted 
 
 to debauch any of you ? for I fuppofe it is fome fuch affair, by your being 
 
 afhamed to mention it. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 Only me myfelf: he has been endeavouring it a long time: at firfl I 
 could not think what he meant, by fixing his eyes perpetually on me ; fome- 
 times he would figh, and weep ; and when I drank, and gave the cup to Ga- 
 nymede, he would defire to drink out of it, and kifs the brim ; then hold it 
 before him, and look at me again, till I perceived it muft be love, and fre- 
 quently intended to have told you of it, but hoped the man's frenzy would 
 have gone off: at lafl, when he had the impudence to folicit me, and to 
 weep, and kneel at my feet, I fhut my ears, that I might not hear his impu- 
 dent fpeeches, left him, and came to aquaint you with it. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 . Indeed ! an execrable villain, to attack my Juno ! he mufl certainly have 
 been drunk with nedtar ; but it is my own fault, to be fo exceffively fond 
 of mortals, and make them my companions ; they ought, therefore, to be 
 
 pardoned.
 
 104 DIALOGUESoF THE gods; 
 
 pardoned, if, drinking the fame divine liquor as we do, and then gazing on 
 heavenly beauties, and fuch as they never meet with below, they Ihould fall 
 in love with them. Love, you know, is a violent paffion, and fubdues not 
 only men, but fometimes even us, gods, alfo. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 He is your mafler indeed, entirely ; carries, drives, and, as they fay, * 
 leads you by the nofe, wherever he pleafes : you follow him about, and trans- 
 form yourfelf into any thing, as he commands you ; in Ihort, you are his 
 property, and his laughing-flock ; and now, I fuppofe, are willing to pardon 
 Ixion, becaufe you were as fond of his wife, by whom you had f Pirithous. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Still mufl you be reproaching me for my boy's tricks on earth ! as to this 
 Ixion, I would not have him puniflied, nor turned from my table ; that 
 would be wrong ; but if he is in love with you, and, as you fay, fighs and 
 
 fobs, and is really miferable 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 What then, Jupiter ? now am I afraid you are going to fay fomething 
 
 Shocking. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 By no means ,• but, after fupper, when he is lying awake, as probably he 
 
 will be, thinking of you, we will drefs up a cloud in your likenefs, and carry 
 
 it to bed to him ; thus, imagining that he has enjoyed what he wifhed for, he 
 
 will be no longer unhappy. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 Fie, fie, Jupiter ! and fo, inftead of punifhing him for defiring what is fo 
 
 much above him, you would reward him for it. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Nay, but, good Juno, confent to it ; what harm can the trick do you, if 
 
 Ixion lies with a cloud ? 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 But he'll take the cloud for me, and enjoy it in my likenefs. 
 
 * Leads you by the no/e.'] This is a literal tranflation, and one of thofe phrafes which we have 
 naturalized from the Greek. The vifible and happy analogy between that language and our 
 own, need not be pointed out to the learned reader; and is certainly no unfortunate circuiniknce 
 for a tranflator. 
 
 f Pirlt/jous.] Ixion married Dia, the daughter of Dianeus. I do not recoiled that any wri- 
 ter, except Lucian andHyginus, mention this intrigue between|Jupiter and Ixon, his own ion's, 
 wife. That reverend father of the heathen gods had furely enough to anfvver for, without this 
 additional crime : but, as our proverb fays, Give a dog an ill name 
 
 JUPITER.
 
 DIALOGUES OFTHE GODS. 105 
 
 JUPITER. 
 What fignlfies that ? the cloud will never be Juno, nor Juno a cloud; 
 Ixion alone will be deceived. 
 
 JUNO. 
 True : but mortals are all infolent ; and when he returns to earth, per- 
 haps he will boaft of his fuccefs with Juno, and that he has rivalled Jove ; 
 nay, for aught I know, may fay, I am fond of him, which thofe, who do not 
 know it was only a cloud, will very poffibly believe. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 If he fays any fuch thing, he fhall fuffcr feverely for his paflion ; for I'll 
 fend him to the infernal regions, where he (hall be tied to a wheel, which he 
 Ihail roll round upon with never-ceafing labour. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 And little punifhment enough for fuch a braggard. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXX. 
 
 MERCURY AND THE SUN. 
 MERCURY. 
 SUN, by command of Jupiter, you are not to drive your chariot to-day, 
 nor to-morrow,' nor the day after, but flay within ; and, in the mean time, 
 let it be one continual night; therefore let your Hours take off the horfes 
 and do you put out your fire, and be quiet for fome time. 
 
 SUN. 
 Mercury, this is moft flrange and furprifing news you bring ; have I done 
 amifs, or gone out of the way, that he is angry with me, and has determined 
 to make the night three times longer than the day ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 No fuch thing ; nor is it to be always fo j but he has a particular occafion 
 for a longer night than ordinary. 
 
 SUN. 
 And where is he now ? and where did you leave him, when you came 
 with this meffige to me ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 In Boeotia, with Amphitryon's wife. 
 
 SUN. 
 So he is in love with her, and one night is not enough for him. 
 
 Vol. I. P M E R.
 
 io6 DIALOGUES ofthe GODS. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 By no means; from this conjundion is to arife a great, and ever-vido- 
 rious hero, an all-conquering god ; and that can never be done in one night. 
 
 SUN. 
 
 May the great work be brought to perfeftion, I fay ! Succefs attend 
 thtm ! but ihefe things, Mercury, between ourfelves, did not ufe to be done 
 in the days of Saturn. He never negledted his wife Rhea, nor left heaven 
 to go and fleep at Thebes. Day was day then, and night had her proper 
 number of hours ; nothing was altered, or put out of the common courfe ; 
 nor had he ever any affairs with mortal women : but now, for the fake of 
 this ftrumpet, every thing mufl be turned topfy-turvy ; my horfes, for want 
 of work, will grow reftlff, and the road hard to travel in, by not being ufed 
 for three days ; poor mortals muft live in darknefs all the time ; this comes 
 of Jupiter's amours ; there muft they fit, waiting the whole long night, till 
 this fame hero you talk of is perfedtly finifhed. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Say no more, Phoebus, left you fuffer for it. I muft go to the Moon, 
 and tell her, by Jupiter's command, to march flowly ; and then away to 
 Somnus, and order him to keep mortals faft, that they may not know how 
 long the night is. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXXI. 
 
 VENUSandLUNA. 
 VENUS. 
 WHAT is this, Luna, that we hear of you ? It is reported, that, as often 
 as you come to Caria, you ftop your chariot to look at Endymion, the hunter, 
 as he lays lleeping there ; nay, and fometimes in the middle of your jour- 
 ney, alight, and come down to him. 
 
 LUNA. 
 Afk your fon, Venus, for he is the caufe of it. 
 
 VENUS. 
 Very likely, for he is a mifchievous rogue : what tricks has he played 
 with me, his own mother ! Sometimes carrying me to Ida, in fearch of 
 
 Trojan
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 107 
 
 Trojan Anchifes ; fometimes to Libanus, after that ^ Affyrian boy, whom 
 he has made in love with Proferpine, and fo cheated me of h:df his affedtion : 
 I have often threatened him, if he do not leave off, to break his bow and 
 arrows, and clip his wings : but the other day I tickled hi;n with my flip- 
 per for it : at firfl he is mighty fearful and fuppliant, but very foon forgets 
 it. But, tell me, is this Endymion handfome ? for that, you know, would 
 
 be fome confolation. 
 
 LUNA. 
 
 To me, I confefs, he appears charming, efpecially when, thro.ving his 
 
 garment on the rock, he goes tolleep, his arrows in his left hand, that feem 
 
 dropping from him, and his right fuppo ting his head, and givi' g new 
 
 luftre to his beautiful face : his breath, as he fleeps, is fweeter than ambiofia : 
 
 then come I down, as foftly as pollible, and treading on my tip-toes, that I 
 
 may not wake and dillurb him. You know the refl; in fhort, I am dying 
 
 for love of him. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXXIL 
 
 MERCURY AND APOLLO. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 IS it not wonderful, Apollo, this limping, low mechanic, Vulcan, fhould 
 marry two fuch pretty wives as Venus and -j- Aglaia ? 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 It is flrange good fortune, iiuked. Mercury: but what I wonder at is, 
 that they will have any thin;^ to Tay to him, when they fee him fweating at 
 the forge, and his face all black with foot, and yet they can kifs and em- 
 brace him. 
 
 INI E R C U R Y. 
 
 This vexes me, and I cannot help envying him : you, Apollo, are proud 
 of your fine hair, your beauty, and your fkill on the harp: I, of my health, 
 flrength, and lyre : and yet we mud ilecp alone. 
 
 • AJIyrian hny^'] Adonis. Diana's boar fent him to hell, where Proferpine foil in love with 
 him : Venus increated that he might return to earth, but the infernal goddefs would not part 
 with him, and it was determined at lall, to make both parties eafy, that he fliould divide his 
 time between them, 
 
 • Aglaia,'] The eldeft of the three Graces : the poets have married her to Vulcan, probably, 
 becaufe the works of that ingeaious artift might beconfidered as graceful, though his pcrfon wa» 
 not fo. 
 
 P* APOLLO.
 
 io8 DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 , APOLLO. 
 
 I, for my part, have been always unfortunate in njy amours : of the two I 
 loved moft, one ran away from me, and chofe rather to be turned into a tree 
 than have any concern with me, and the other was killed accidentally by 
 myfelf, and now I wear garlands for them. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Once upon a time Venus was kind to me ; but I fhould not brag of it. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 I know it : Hermaphroditus, they fay, was the iflue of it : but tell me, 
 if you can, how happens it that Venus and Aglaia are not jealous of each 
 
 other ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Becaufe one dwells at Lemnos with him, and the other refides in heaven: 
 befides, Venus is engaged with Mars, and is fond of him ; fhe troubles her 
 head therefore very little about this blackfmith. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 And does Vulcan know it, think you ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 He does ; but what can he do } feeing his rival is a noble youth, and a 
 foldier too : v*'herefore he holds his peace ; though he talks, indeed, fome- 
 times of making a net to catch them. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 I do not know any thing of that, but I am fure it is a net I fhould wifli 
 to be caught in. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXXIII. 
 
 APOLLO AND MERCURY. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 What are you laughing at, Mercury ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Something which I have feen, Apollo, that is truly ridiculous. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 Tell me what it is, I befeech you, that I may laugh with you. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Mars and Venus are caught together. Vulcan has caught them in a net,. 
 
 APOLLO.
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 109 
 
 APOLLO. 
 HoWj pray ? This Is delightful. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 He had watched them, I fuppofe, fome time, and when they were re- 
 tired together, threw the net over them, and went away to his forge. Mars 
 thought himfelf fafe, but he was feen, and Vulcan told of it, who came 
 immediately. Venus blulhed : Mars at firfl endeavoured to efcape, and 
 imagined he could break the cords, but finding there were no hopes of get- 
 ting off, began to beg and intreat. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 And did Vulcan let them go } 
 
 MERCURY. 
 No ; but called all the gods together, and expofed them : they blufhed, 
 and looked down : it was a moft diverting fight, 
 
 APOLLO, 
 
 But was not the fmith afhamed thus to expofe his wife's folly } 
 
 MERCURY. 
 No, by Jove, but flood laughing at them. I muft own, I envied Mars 
 the happinefs of fo intimate a connection with a goddefs of fuch beauty. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 And would you defire to be fo caught ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Would not you ? Only come and look at them, and if you do not wifli 
 the fame, then fhall I admire you, indeed. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXXIV. 
 
 PAN AND MERCURY. 
 
 PAN. 
 HEALTH to my father Mercury. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Health to you : but how came I to be your father ? 
 
 PAN. 
 Are not you Cyllenian Mercury ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Moft certainly : but how are you my fon ? 
 
 PAN,
 
 no DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 PAN. 
 O, a natural one, the offspring of love. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 The offspring of a he-goat rather : how can you be mine, with thofe 
 horns, fuch a nofe, a fhaggy beard, cloven feet, and a tail at your rump ? 
 
 PAN. 
 When you reproach me, you reproach your own fon, or rather yourfelf, 
 for getting fuch children : it was not my fault. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Who was your mother, pray; had I ever an intrigue with a goat? 
 
 PAN. 
 Never : but recoiled: whether you did not, once upon a time, feduce a 
 free woman in Arcadia. Why do you bite your fingers, and hefitate fo 
 long ? You muft remember Penelope, the daughter of Icarius. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 How happened it then, that inftead of having a child refcmbling me, Ihe 
 brought forth one like a goat ? 
 
 P A N. 
 I will repeat you her own words, when (he fent me into Arcadia : Know, 
 child, faid ihe, I, Penelope of Sparta, am thy mother : the god Mercury, 
 fon of Jove and Maia, is thy father. Let it not trouble thee that thou art 
 horned, and haft goat's feet ; for thy father, when he and I were firft inti- 
 mate together, affumed the form of a goat to conceal himfelf, and therefore 
 
 it is you are fo like one. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 By Jupiter, now I remember it well : and mufl I then, at laft, who am 
 
 fo proud of my fine form, and having no beard, be called your father, and 
 
 be laughed at for my beautiful offspring ? 
 
 PAN. 
 After all, father, I fhall be no difgrace to you; I am an excellent mufi- 
 cian, and can fing and play on the pipe moft delightfully : Bacchus can do 
 nothing without me : I am h^s companion, and brother-dancer, and lead the 
 chorus for him. It would give you pleafure to fee the flocks which I have 
 about Tegaa, and Parthenium. I command all Arcadia. I behaved fo 
 well lately, when I affifted the Athenians at Marathon, that they gave me, 
 in reward of my valour, the cave at the bottom of the great tower : and if 
 
 you
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. in 
 
 you go to * Athens, you will fee in how great eftimation the name of Pan 
 
 is there. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Are you married, pray ? for that, I fuppofe too, they have infilled on. 
 
 PAN. 
 No : I am too amorous for that, and Ihould never be contented with one, 
 
 MERCURY. 
 You are very great then, I imagine, with the Ihe-goats. 
 
 PAN. 
 You are pleafed to jeer at me : but I have had favours from Echo, Pitys, 
 and all the Msenades, and am in high efteem with every one of them. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 One requefl, my fon, as the firft I ever made to you, you muft comply 
 
 with. 
 
 PAN. 
 
 Command, my father, and you fhall be obeyed, 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Come hither then, and kifs me, but be fure you never call me father 
 
 before any body. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXXV. 
 
 APOLLO AND BACCHUS. 
 APOLLO. 
 COULD one ever think, Bacchus, that Cupid, Hermaphroditus, and 
 Priapus were brothers, fo different as they are both in their form and man- 
 ners ? The firft, moft beautiful, an excellent archer, endowed with no fmali 
 power, and ruling, as it were, ov'er all things ; the fecond, an effeminate 
 creature, half man, half woman, with fuch an ambiguous countenance, 
 that you can hardly tell whether he is boy or girl ; and the third, fo much 
 more of a man than he ought to be. 
 
 BACCHUS. 
 Wonder not, Apollo, nor think it the fault of Venus, who had them by 
 different fathers. Befides, that thofe who are born of the fame father and 
 
 • To Athens,'] There is an epigram, attributed to Simonides, on the Hatue of Pan, alluding 
 to this circumltance. See alfo Paufanias. 
 
 mother
 
 112 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 
 
 mother frequently differ, one is a boy and the other a girl, like you and 
 
 your lifler. 
 
 ^ APOLLO. 
 
 True : but we are alike, and our inclinations are the fame ; we are both 
 
 archers. 
 
 B A C C H US. 
 
 With regard to your bow, I grant it, but that is not a perfedl fimilitude. 
 
 Diana kills ilrangers amonglt the Scythians, whilft you prophecy, and heal 
 
 the fick. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 Do you think my lifter takes any pleafure amongfl thefe Scythians ? She 
 detefts their cruelty, and only drefled herfelf in that manner, that if any 
 Grecian came to Tauris, (he might fail away with him, and leave it. 
 
 BACCHUS. 
 
 There fhe was right : but this Priapus (for I muft tell you fomething very 
 ridiculous, that happened to me at Lampfacus), when I came into the city, 
 he received me very hofpitably ; but when we had retired to reft, after drink- 
 ing pretty freely, the noble Priapus, riling at midnight — but I am alhamed 
 
 to go on. 
 
 ^ APOLLO. 
 
 He did not attack you ? 
 
 B A C Q H U S. 
 
 Something"; like it. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 And what faid you ? 
 
 BACCHUS. 
 
 ^Only laughed at him : what could I elfe ? 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 You were right not to be rough or angry with him : fo handfomc as you 
 
 are, it was very pardonable. 
 
 BACCHUS. 
 
 For that he Ihould rather have attacked you ; you are beautiful, and have 
 
 fuch fine hair, that he might have been excufed, even though he had been 
 
 fober. 
 
 APOLLO. 
 
 He will not meddle with me, becaufe he knows, befides my fine hair, I 
 
 have a bow, and arrows alfo. 
 
 D I A.
 
 DIALOGUES OF THE GODS. uj 
 
 DIALOGUE XXXVI. 
 
 NEPTUNE AND ALPHEUS. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 HOW happens it, Alpheus, that you alone, of all the rivers that run 
 into the Tea, never mix with the fait water, as others do, nor ceafe flowing, 
 though your waters are fo widely diffufed, but flill, as if bound in ice, keep 
 on your courfe, pure and unmixed, through the ocean ; fometimes, like the 
 gulls and herons, you dive into the deep, and rife up again. 
 
 ALPHEUS. 
 It is a * love affair, Neptune, and therefore you will pardon me, as you 
 are yourfelf no ftranger to that paflion. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Is it a woman, a Nymph, or a Nereid that you are in love with ? 
 
 ALPHEUS. 
 Neither, but a fountain. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 And where flows flie ? 
 
 ALPHEUS. 
 In the ifland of Sicily : her name is Arethufa. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 I know her, and flie is not ugly ; it is a pure limpid fountain, and, as it 
 glides over the pebbles, fliines like filver. 
 
 ALPHEUS. 
 I fee you know it well : thither I am now going. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 Away then, and fuccefs attend you ! but where could you fee Arethufa, 
 you an Arcadian, and Ihe in Sicily ? 
 
 ALPHEUS. 
 You delay me, Neptune, with afking imj)crtinent queftions. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 I dofo; therefore begone to your miilrefs, rife from the fea, mix wi:h 
 your beloved fountain, and become one river. 
 
 * A love affair^'] When the Greeks came into Sicily, they met with a river of the fame name, 
 or pretty near it, as one which they had been well acquainted with in their own country ; with- 
 out enquiring into the caufe of this, they carried the river all under the fea, and their poets 
 foon worked it up into a love ftory, which makes the fubjedt of this dialogue. 
 
 Vol. I. Q^ D I A-
 
 ;i4 DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXXVir. 
 
 NEPTUNE, A TRITON, and AMYMONE. 
 
 TRITON. 
 NEPTUNE, there comes every day to Lerna, for water, a moft beautiful 
 virc^in, I think I never faw a handfomer. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 A free woman, think you, or a flave ufed to draw water ? 
 
 TRITON. 
 O no : fhe is one of the fifty daughters of Danaus, and her name, for I 
 enquired after her, is Amymone. Danaus brings up his daughters hardily, 
 makes them work, fends them to draw water, and do other things, that they 
 
 may never be idle. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 And comes fhe alone fo long a way as from Argos to Lerna ? > 
 
 TRITON. 
 
 Always by herfelf. Argos, you know, is very dry, and they are per- 
 petually wanting water for it. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Triton, you affedt me ftrangely with the ftory of this girl : let us go and 
 
 fee her. 
 
 TRITON. 
 
 With all my heart ; this is the time of her coming for water; fhe is now 
 
 about half way to Lerna. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 Get the chariot ready then, or if it will take up too much time to put 
 
 the horfes too, get me one of the fwiftefl dolphins to ride upon, that I may 
 
 be with her as foon as poffible. 
 
 TRITON. 
 
 Here is one of the nimblefl for you. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 
 Away then, let us be gone ; you, Triton, may fwim thither. — And now 
 
 we are at Lerna, here will I lay in wait for her, do you watch, and let me 
 
 know when you fee her coming. 
 
 TRITON. 
 
 There fhe is, jufl by you» 
 
 N E p.
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 115 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Beautiful, indeed, flie is, Triton, and in the flower of her age ; we muft 
 
 feize upon her. 
 
 ^ A M Y M O N E. 
 
 What are you about, man, and whether would you carry me ? You are 
 
 fome robber, I fuppofe, fent by my uncle ^gyptus ; but I will call to my 
 
 father. _ „ , rr, ^ xt 
 
 TRITON. 
 
 Hufh, Amymone : this is Neptune. 
 
 A M Y M O N E. 
 What do you talk to me of Neptune for ; why am I forced thus, and car- 
 ried into the fea ? O, I Ihall be drowned ! 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Take courage : no harm (hall come to you : I will (Irike the rock with 
 my trident, and command a fountain to iffue from hence, that fliall bear 
 your name: you alone Ihall be happy after death, and no longer be con- 
 demned to fetch water as your fillers are. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXXVIII. 
 
 NOTUSandZEPHYRUS. 
 N O T U S. 
 I S that ^ heifer, Zephyrus, which Mercury is conducing by fea to 
 iEgypt, the fame that Jupiter fell in love with ? 
 
 ZEPHYRUS. 
 Yes, Notus; Ihe was not a heifer then, but the daughter of the river Tna- 
 chus : 'juno, out of jealoufy, metamorphofed her, becaufe Ihe faw Jupiter 
 
 fo much enamoured with her. 
 
 NOTUS. 
 
 And is he as fond of her, now ftie is turned into a cow ? 
 
 ZEPHYRUS. 
 
 Juft the fame ; and for that reafon has fent her into ^gvpt, and ordered 
 us not to difturb the fea till (he has Avam over it, and when ihe is brought 
 to bed, for ihe is big with child already, flie and her fon are both to be 
 made f deities. 
 
 * 7/,^/ heifer ^cl lo. daughter of the river Inachus. r f^r • 
 
 + SfHerJ. Ep.p.:., was a king of iF.gyp,, '^'TT ^^:!^^^" 
 the\Eg>-pua„ Jupiter. lo was vvorOupped under .he „an,e of Ifis. See Brj-aat . M>cholo„y.^^ 
 
 0-^
 
 ii6 D I A L O G U E S OF the GODS. 
 
 N O T U S. 
 A cow to be made a goddefs ! 
 
 ZEPHYRUS. 
 Even fo, Notus ; and, Mercury fays, is to prefide over mariners, and to 
 be our miftrefs, and we mufl blow or not as fhe commands us. 
 
 NOTUS. 
 By Jove then, Zephyrus, it well becomes us to pay our court to her, that 
 ihe may be the kinder to us. 
 
 ZEPHYRUS. 
 See, Ihe is got over, and fwam to land ; obferve, fhe no longer goes on 
 four feet, Mercury has changed her into a moft beautiful woman. 
 
 NOTUS. 
 
 This is wonderful, indeed, Zephyrus : fhe has no horns or tail, or cloven 
 feet, but looks like a charming girl : and fee. Mercury is changed too, and 
 inftead of appearing as a youth, has put on the face of a dog. 
 
 ZEPHYRUS. 
 
 Wei!, do not let us be too curious : he knows bed what he is about. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXXIX. 
 
 NEPTUNE AND ENIPEUS. 
 E N I P E U S. 
 
 IT w^as not handfome of you, Neptune, for I will fpeak the truth, to 
 come in my fhape, and feduce my miftrefs : ihe ^ took you for me, and 
 therefore complied. 
 
 * Tookyou for fnc, fe'r.] Enipeus was a river, which took its fource from a village near Sal- 
 mone, in the neighbourhood of the ocean. 
 
 As on his banks the maid enamour'd roves, 
 
 1 he monarch of the deep beholds, and loves ; 
 
 In her Enipeus' form, and borrow'd charms, 
 
 The am'rous god defcends into her arms. 
 
 See Pope's tranflation of the Odyfley, book xi. 1. 287. 
 The good bifliop Euftathius makes the following obfervation on this pafTage : <' It was cufto- 
 mary, (fays he) for young virgins to refort frequently to rivers, to bathe in them ; and the 
 ancients have very well explained thefe fables about the intercourfe between them and the 
 water-gods. " Receive my virginity, O Scamander," fays a lady ; but it is very apparent who 
 this Scamander was ; her lover, Cymon, lay concealed in the reeds. This was a good excufe 
 for female frailty in an age of credulity." 
 
 I do not remember that this little piece of gallantry, between Neptune and Mifs Tyro, has 
 attracted the notice of any aucient writer except Horaer and Lucian. 
 
 N E P-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 117 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Enlpens, you were too proud and indifferent, to treat fo fine a girl, who 
 came every day after, and was fond of you, with fuch contempt, and to 
 give her fo much uneafinefs ; flie pined and wandered about the (hore, and 
 ufed to wafii there, in hopes of lighting on you, and you deceived her. 
 
 E N I P E U S. 
 And ought you, therefore, to have ftolen my love, to put on the form 
 of Enipeus, and delude my fimple Tyro ? 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 Enipeus, you were indifferent before, and now, it is too late, you ^row 
 jealous : but the girl is never the worfe for it, as fhe miflook me for you. 
 
 ENIPEUS. 
 How fo ? You told her, when you came away, that you were Neptune, 
 which made her miferable : I, in the mean time, am bafely wronged, and 
 you enjoyed that happinefs which ought to have been mine, and, covered by 
 the purple flood, pofTelTed my beloved girl. 
 
 NEPTUNE. 
 You, Enipeus, pleafe to remember, thought fit to rejedl her. 
 
 DIALOGUE XL. 
 
 ZEPHYRUS, AND N O T U S. 
 
 ZEPHYRUS. 
 NEVER, Notus, fince I firfl began to blow over the fea, did I behold a 
 fight fo magnificent : did you fee it ? 
 
 NOTUS. 
 What fight do you mean, Zephyrus, and who prefented it ? 
 
 ZEPHYRUS. 
 
 you have loft the fineft fpedlacle, and fuch as may never be feen again ! 
 
 NOTUS. 
 
 1 have been blowing over the Red Sea, and part of India, and know 
 nothing about what you are talking of. 
 
 ZEPHYRUS. 
 
 You know Agenor ? 
 
 NOTUS. 
 
 Yes, Europa's father ; what of him ? 
 
 Z E-
 
 ii8 DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 Z E P H Y R U S. 
 It is of her I mean to fpeak. 
 
 N O T U S. 
 That Jupiter is in love with her, I knew before. 
 
 ZEPHYRUS. 
 
 I know you did ; but attend to what followed : Europa wandered to the 
 fea-fhore, to divert herfelf with her companions, when Jupiter, putting on 
 the form of a bull, came and fported with them. Moft beautiful did he ap- 
 pear, for he was milk-white, his countenance mi'd and gentle, and his 
 horns turned back in the moft graceful manner; he leaped and played about 
 the (bore, and lowed fo delightfully, that Europa ventured to get upon him. 
 Jupiter immediately ran off with her, as faft as poffible into the fea, and fwam 
 away. She, frightened out of her wits, with one hand laid hold of his horn, 
 that Ihe might not fall off, and with the other took up her robes, that were 
 
 toft about by the wind. 
 
 N O T U S. 
 
 It muft have been a charming fight, Zephyrus, to fee Jupiter fwimming; 
 and carrying his beloved. 
 
 ZEPHYRUS. 
 
 But what followed was ftill more delightful : the fea became placid, and, 
 lulled as it were into tranquillity, refembled a fmooth and unruffled plain; 
 we, as filent fpedtators only, accompanied them. The Loves hovering 
 round them, and fometimesjuft touching the waves with their feet, bore 
 lighted torches, and fung hymeneals. The Nereids, half naked, rifing 
 from the water, rode on the backs of dolphins, and joined in the chorus of 
 applaufe. The Tritons, and Sea-nymphs, all that the element could pro- 
 duce of grace or beauty, fported and fung around. Neptune himfelf, 
 afcending in his chariot, with Amphitrite, led the way rejoicing, and was 
 brideman to his happy brother. Above all, two Tritons, carrying Venus 
 reclining in her ihell, and fcartering flowers of every kind in the way before 
 the bride : thus they proceeded from Phccnicia quite to Crete. When they 
 arrived at the iftand, Jupiter appeared no longer in the form of a bull, but 
 in his own, taking Europa by the hand, led her, blufliing, and with down- 
 caft eyes, into the Did^an cave : we returned to the fea j and, according 
 to our feveral departments, moved the waves of it. 
 
 N O-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. ng 
 
 N O T U S. 
 
 Happy, thrice happy art thou, Zcphyrus, to have feci fuch a fight ! 
 whilft I was employed in looking at griffins, elephants, and blacks. 
 
 DIALOGUE XLL 
 
 THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS. 
 
 JUPITER, MERCURY, PARfS, JUNO, MINERVA, 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 MERCURY, take this apple, and go into Phrygiaj to Priam's Ton, a 
 Ihepherd, who feeds his flocks on that part of mount Ida which is called 
 Gargarus, and thus addrefs him : " Paris, Jupiter commands you, as you 
 are yourfelf handfome, and fkilled in love affairs, to pals your judgment on 
 three goddefTes, and to determine which is the moft beautiful : the conqueror 
 is to receive this apple as her reward." And now, goddefTes, it is time for 
 you to repair to the feat of judgment. I decline the arbitration myfelf, as 
 I love you all equally, and, if it were pollible, could wifli you all to come 
 off vidlorious ; and efpecially, as it muft inevitably happen, that he who 
 Ihall give the palm to one, muft be hated by the other two, I am nor, 
 therefore, myfelf the proper judge; but this Phrygian youth, whom you 
 are going to, is of royal race, and a relation of Ganymede's : a plain fimple 
 ruftic withal, and unexceptionably the fitreft for fuch an office. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 For my part, Jupiter, were you to appoint Momushimfelf judge, I would 
 boldly fubmit to the trial, for what fault could he find in me? But the man 
 muft be agreeable to them too. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 Nor are we afraid, Venus, even though your own Mars were to deter- 
 mine it : but we accept of this Paris, whoever he is, 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 And what fay you, daughter ? Do you approve of him ? Why turn 
 
 your head afide, and blufh ? But modefty in virgins, on fuch occafions, is 
 
 becoming : your nod of afTent is fufHcient ; therefore, begone, and do not 
 
 let thofe who are conquered harbour any refentnicnc againft the judge, or 
 
 do
 
 120 D I A L O G U E S OF the GODS. 
 
 do the young man any mifchief : for it is impoffible you (hould be all 
 
 equally handfome. 
 ^ MERCURY. 
 
 Let us proceed then immediately to Phrygia : I fliall lead the waj^ do 
 
 YOU follow me as fad as you can, and fear nothing; for I know this Paris 
 
 well ; he is a handfome young fellow, (killed in love affairs, and an excel- 
 
 lentjudge ; I am certain he will not determine wrong. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 This is all good news; if he is, as you fay, a juft judge, fo much the 
 
 better for me. Is he fingle, or married ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Not altogether fingle. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 How is that ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 There is a * woman of Ida that lives with him, tolerably handfome, but 
 
 a mere ruftic, a mountaineer; he feems not very fond of her : but what rea- 
 
 fon have you for aiking ? 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 None at all. 
 
 MINERVA. 
 
 Hark you. Mercury, you are not a fair dealer, to converfe in private 
 
 with her. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Minerva, there is no harm between us, nor is it any thing againfl you : 
 fhe only afked me whether Paris was a fingle man. 
 
 MINERVA. 
 And why fo curious about that ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 I do not know, indeed : Ihe faid the queftion was only accidental, and fhe 
 did not afk it defignedly. 
 
 • J "j.'oman of IJa, ^f.] Oenone, daughter of the river Cebrenus, that flows at the foot of 
 mount Ida : his leaving her for Helen forms the fubje^ft of Ovid's bell heroical epillle, of 
 Oenone to Paris : the four following lines, which I cannot help quoting here, are, both with re- 
 gard to the thought and expreflion, truly inimitable : 
 Cum Paris Oerone poteiic fpirare relifta, 
 Ad fontem Xanthi verfa recurrat aqua : 
 Xanthe, retro propera, verfjeque recurrite lyinphae, 
 Sullinet Oenonen deferuiffe Paris. 
 
 M I-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 
 
 121 
 
 IVI 
 
 I N 
 
 E 
 
 R V 
 
 A. 
 
 And is he fingle or not ? 
 
 
 
 
 
 M 
 
 E R 
 
 C 
 
 U R 
 
 Y. 
 
 It feems he Is not. 
 
 
 
 
 
 M 
 
 I N 
 
 E 
 
 R V 
 
 A. 
 
 Has he any tafte for military affairs, is he a lover of glory, or a mere 
 
 fhepherd ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 I cannot fay pofitively, but fhould imagine, as he is young, he muft 
 
 have fome ambition, and would vvifh to be a conqueror. 
 
 VENUS. 
 You fee, now, I do not complain, or find fimit with you for talking with 
 him in private ; Venus has no fufpicions of this kind. 
 
 M E R -C U R Y. 
 
 Her queftions were not unlike your's ; therefore do not be jealous, or 
 
 think me partial to her, becaufe I gave her a plain and fimple anfwer : but 
 
 I fee we have paflcd over a good many ftars, and got a great way on our 
 
 journey whilft we were talking; we are jufl at Phrygia ; yonder is Ida, and 
 
 now I can fee all Gargarus very plainly, and, if I am not miftaken, your 
 
 judge Paris. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 Where is he ? for I cannot fee him. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Look this way, Juno, towards the left ; not at the top of the mountain, 
 but on the fide where you fee the cave, and a herd. 
 
 JUNO. 
 I do not fee any herd there is. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 No ? do not you fee, even with my finger, fome heifers coming down 
 from the rocks, and a man running after them, with a crook in his hand, 
 to keep the herd together ? 
 
 JUNO. 
 Now I fee him, if that is he. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 It is : and as we are pretty near him, we had better alight upon earth, 
 and walk, that we may not alarm and terrify him, by flying upon him un- 
 awares. 
 
 Vol. I. R J U N O.
 
 122 DIALOGUES oFTHE GODS. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 Right, fo we will : when we are got down, you, Venus, mufl go firft, 
 and (hew us the way ; for you mufl certainly know it beft, as, if fame fay 
 true, you have often come down this way to Anchifes. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Your fneers give me no concern, I aflure you. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Come, I will lead you, for I am well acquainted with Ida, and often 
 vifited it when Jupiter fell in love with the Phrygian boy ; I ufed to be fent 
 to watch him, and, when Jove turned himfelf into an eagle, flew along with 
 him, and helped to carry off his prey : if I remember right, it was from 
 this very rock ; here was he piping to his flock, when Jupiter came behind 
 him, and jufl: throwing his talons lightly over him, and fixing his beak on 
 the turban which he wore on his head, flew away with the boy, who turned 
 his face back, and looked with aftonifliment upon him. I ftole his pipe, I 
 remember, at the fame time, which he had thrown away in his fright. But 
 here is your judge, let us falute him : fliepherd, good day to you. 
 
 PARIS. 
 The like to you, young man : but who are you ? what brought you hi- 
 ther ? and who are thefe women with you ? They do not feem to be inha- 
 bitants of the mountains, they are fo beautiful. 
 
 M E R C U R T. 
 They are not women ; thofe whom you fee before you are Juno, Miner- 
 va, and Venus : I am Mercury, and fent by Jupiter. Why do you tremble,, 
 and look fo pale ? Do not be afraid, there is no danger : you are appointed 
 to determine which of them is the handfomefl:, as you are yourfelf beauti- 
 ful, and fkilled in love affairs : to your judgment, therefore, I commit 
 them : what the prize to be given is you will know by reading the infcrip- 
 
 tion on this apple. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 Fray let me look at it ; to the fairejl, it fays. But how can I, Mercury, 
 a mere moital iimple fhepherd, determine a point fo weighty, and fo much 
 above my poor abilities ? Such caufes fhould come before thofe who are 
 more polifhed and refined : for my part, I can tell, perhaps, whether one 
 goat or heifer is handfomer than another : but thefe are fo equally beauti- 
 ful, that I do not fee how it is poflTible to take one's eyes off from either of 
 
 them :
 
 DIALOGUES OFTHE GODS. 113 
 
 them : where we firft look, there we mufl continue gazing, and all we can 
 do is to praife the objedt before us ; if we pafs on to another, it is equally 
 alluring, and we can dwell only on that which is nearefl: to us. Their 
 beauty, in fliort, dazzles and furrounds me fo on every fide, that I wi(h to 
 have, like Argus, eyes in every part of me. To give the apple to them 
 all, were, perhaps, the moll equitable determination: add to this, that one 
 of them is the filler and wife of Jupiter, and the other two his daughters ; 
 how difficult then mufl it be to decide ! 
 
 MERCURY. 
 All I know is, Jupiter's command mud be obeyed. 
 
 PARIS. 
 I hope, however. Mercury, you will prevail on thofe who are conquered 
 not to take it ill of me, but impute it to the error of my fight. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 They promife that they will : therefore begin your examination. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 I will do my befl : but firft I would know whether they would chufe to 
 
 have me fee them jull as they are, or think proper to undrefs, for a clofer 
 
 infpedlion. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 That you, as judge, mud determine ; order it as you think proper. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 As I think proper ? Then let me fee them undrefTed. 
 
 MERCURY. \ro the God^eJJ-fs, 
 
 You hear the order : obey, — You, Paris, may examine them, whilil I 
 
 turn my face another way. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 It is right : and now, Paris, I will undrefs firfl, that you may fee I am 
 not proud of my large eyes only, or my * white arms, but am alike beau- 
 tiful all over. 
 
 MINERVA. 
 
 Paris, do not let her undrefs till fhe has laid afidc her -|- cedus, for flie is 
 
 an 
 
 * My iKihlte armi^'\ Alluding to the epithets of ^ttHwXf^s», white-armed, to Juno ; and /So»»4'» 
 or large eyed, to Minerva, fo often repeated by Homer. 
 
 f Hfrj.ejius,'] The ceftus of Venus, which, according to Homer, flie lent to Juno on a 
 particular occafion, is thus defcribed by Pope ; the tranllation, by the bye, is very loofe, and 
 departs greatly from the original,
 
 124 D I A L O O U E S OF the GODS. 
 
 an enchantrefs, and will chaim you wr. h it: befides, Ihe ought not to be 
 
 tricked out, and painted fo like a harlot, but to fhew her form plain, and 
 
 unadorned. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 What flie fays about the ceftus is right ; therefore, take it off. 
 
 VENUS. 
 Why do not you then, Minerva, lay down your helmet, and appear 
 with your head uncovered, and not nod your creft in that manner, to frighten 
 the judge ? Or are you afraid your blue eyes are not formidable enough with- 
 out it ? 
 
 MINERVA. 
 
 Well : there Is my helmet. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 And there is my ceftus. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 Now let us undrefs. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 O Jupiter, thou worker of wonders, what a fight! What beauty! What 
 pleafure ! how charming is this virgin, how royal, how venerable, how 
 worthy of Jove ! what fweet looks are there, with fmiles fo fofr and fo en- 
 chanting ! but I have enough of happinefs : may 1 be permitted to fee each 
 of you feparately, for now I am in doubt ; my fight is dillradied, and I 
 know not which way to turn me. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 With all my heart. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 Do you two then retire, let Juno remain with me. 
 
 JUNO. 
 
 Here I am, and when you have viewed me well, remember there is fome- 
 thing elfe to be confidered; my vi(ftory will gain you great reward, for if you 
 determine me to be the handfomeft, you fhall be lord of all Afia. 
 
 In this was ev'ry art, and ev'ry charm. 
 
 To win the wifeft, and the coldeft warm ; 
 
 Fond love, the gentle vow, the gay defire, 
 
 The kind deceit, the Hill-reviving fire; 
 
 Perfuafive fpeech, and more perfuafive fighs, 
 
 Silence, that fpoke, and eloquence of eyes. 
 Thefe were qualifications foreign to external beauty, to which alone the judgment of Paris was 
 confined ; he had therefore a fair right to except againft the ceftus. 
 
 PARIS.
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 125 
 
 PARIS. 
 I am not to be fvvayed by bribes, but (hall judge according to equity : 
 you may retire, Minerva, approach. 
 
 MINERVA. 
 
 I am here : if I am judged the handfomeft, Paris, you fhall never be 
 
 overcome in bartle, but always return a conqueror: 1 will make you a 
 
 warrior, and victorious. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 Minerva, I delight not in war : ])cace, as you fee, reigns in Phrygia and 
 
 in Lydia, and my father's empire is free from every enemy : but do not be 
 
 afraid that you fhould lofe the prize, becaufe I accept not of your offer : 
 
 drefs yourfelf, and put on your helmet, I have examined you fufficiently. 
 
 Now, let Venus appear. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Behold me here : pafs over nothing unobferved, but examine feparateh'', 
 
 and dwell on every limb and feature. Mind, withal, what I fay to you : 
 
 long fince have I admired you, as the handfomeft youth in all Phrygia ; thy 
 
 beauty fliall make thee happy : but I am angry with you for not leaving 
 
 thefe rude rocks, and coming into the city ; j'ou fhould not wafte your beauty 
 
 thus in folitude. What can you enjoy in thefe mountains? or what is that 
 
 fine form to your herds and flocks : you fhould ere this have been married, 
 
 not to fome ruftic inhabitant of Ida, but to fome fair Grecian, of Argos, 
 
 Sparta, or Corinth, fuch as Helen, the young and beautiful, not inferior 
 
 even to me in charms; and, what is better ftill, a votary of love; were fhe 
 
 once to behold you, I know fhe would leave all mankind to follow and live 
 
 with you. Have you never heard of her .? 
 
 PARIS. 
 Never : but I fhould be glad to hear every thing you know concerning 
 
 her. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 She is the daughter of that beautiful Leda, whom Jupiter courted in the 
 
 Ihape of a fwan. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 What fort of a face has fhe ? 
 
 VENUS. 
 Fair as the fwan from whom fhe fprang, foft as the egg fhe was nourifhed 
 in ; an objecfl fo univerfally defirable, that a war was kindled on her ac- 
 count, when fhe was yet a child, and Thefeus ran away with her at ten 
 
 years
 
 126 DIALOGUES of the GODS. 
 
 years old : when Ihe arrived at maturitj'', the firft and nobleft Grecians 
 fought her in marriage : atid Menelaus, of the race of Pelops, was the 
 happy man preferred to all the reft. But, notwithftanding, if you defire 
 
 it, I will get her for you. 
 
 PARIS. ! 
 
 What, when (he is married already ? 
 
 VENUS. 
 You are young, and fimple : but I know how thefe things are to be 
 
 brought about. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 How ? for I long to know. 
 
 VENUS. 
 You muft go and take a view of Greece, and when you come to Sparta, 
 Helen will fee you : afterwards, I will take care Ihe fhall fall in love with, 
 
 and follow you. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 I can never believe (he will leave her hulband, and go out of her own 
 country with a ftranger and a barbarian. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Give yourfelf no concern about that. 1 have two beautiful boys, Love 
 and * Amiablenefs; thefe will I give you to accompany you in your jour- 
 ney. Cupid {hall take entire pofTeffion of her, and infpire her with love 
 of you ; whilft Amiablenefs, diffufed around you, fhall render you the 
 delirable objed: of her affedtion. I will myfelf be prefent, and befeech the 
 Graces to attend you ; we will all join in your favour. 
 
 PARIS. 
 Succefs is yet uncertain : but already I burn for Helen ; already me- 
 thinks I am failed to Greece, and arrived at Sparta ; already I behold her, 
 and return with my fair bride. I am miferable to think it is not yet per- 
 formed. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Paris, you muft not fall in love till you have given your voice for me, 
 
 * Jmiahlenefs,'] V^?°f> Thefe are always mentioned as the infeparable companions of Venus. 
 Pope tranllates 'if^f^o?, gay defire, which cannot be the proper interpretation of it in this place. 
 " The latter, fays Lucian, ivlll make you the ohjeSl of her affedlion" V^^"?» therefore, miift 
 fignify that irrefiftable power of pleafing, which would always render him defirable. Amiable- 
 nefs is, perhaps, the only word, though, I think, not a good one, which we have to exprefs 
 this quality. 
 
 who
 
 DIALOGUES OF the GODS. 127 
 
 who am to be your bride-maid ; when I am declared the conqueror, I muft 
 accompany you, and celebrate togerher your nuptials and my vi(5tory ; with 
 this apple you may purchafe love, beauty, and happinefs. 
 
 PARIS. 
 But after judgment given, perhaps, you may forget me. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Shall I fwear to you ? 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 No : but promife only. 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Here, then, I do promife to give you Helen for a wife, to accompany 
 
 you to her, and to fee that fhe follows you to Troy. I will be with you 
 
 myfelf, and aflift you in every thing. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 And will you bring Love and Amiablenefs, and the Graces along with 
 
 you ? 
 
 VENUS. 
 
 Fear not : Hymen, and Defire withal fhall attend us. 
 
 PARIS. 
 * For this, then, I give you the apple : for this receive it. 
 
 • A Latin poem, on this fubjeft, which gained the firft prize in the year 1740 (or there- 
 abouts), was written by the very ingenious and learned Dr. W. Markham, now Lord Archbilhop 
 of York, t" en ftudent of Chrift- Church College, Oxford j which, for claflical purity, and ele- 
 gance of ftyle, is, perhaps, fuperior to every thing of that kind. The author, as will appear 
 by the comparifon, was no flranger to this dialogue, which he has greatly improved upon. 
 
 D I A-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 
 
 The Dialogues of the'DEAit are among Ji the heft known, and, perhaps y the heft 
 written parts of our author s works. As they explain and illuftrate the characters 
 of gods, heroes, and men univerfally known, and fuhje5is univ erf ally intereft- 
 ing, they have heen much read and admired. A variety of modern authors have 
 endeavoured to copy theftyle and manner of them, hut very few with any degree offuc- 
 cefs. Fenelon's are grave and learned^ and Lord Lytt eltok's Jpirited and fen- 
 ftble, hut both want that eafe and pkafant^y , as well as that agreeable irony, and 
 fprightly fatire, which vje meet with in the Dialogues o/ Lucia n. 
 
 DIALOGUE I. 
 
 CRGESUS, PLUTO, MENIPPUS, MIDAS, and 
 SARDANAPALUS. 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 
 O PLUTO, there is no fuch thing as living with this intolerable * dog, 
 Menippus i remove him, I befeech you, to fome other place, or we 
 
 mull decaaip. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 Why, what harm can he do you, now he is dead ? 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 
 Whilft we are weeping, and groaning, and lamenting the lofs of the good 
 things we poflefTed in the other world, Midas his gold, Sardanapalus his 
 dainties, and I my treafures, he is perpetually laughing at, and abufing 
 us, calling us a pack of flaves and rafcals ; befides, he difturbs our com- 
 plaints every minute with his finging ', and, in Ihort, is exceffively trouble- 
 
 fome. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 Menippus, what is this they fay of you ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Truth, O Pluto, nothing but truth : for I abominate thefe contemptible 
 
 wretches, who, not content with having led mofl iniquitous lives on earth, 
 
 * Dog, Menippus,'] Menippus was a celebrated philofopher, of the feft of Cynics, fo called 
 from Kvm, xwo?, a dog, from their perpetual fnarling at all mankind. This is frequently 
 alluded to throughout the works of Lucian. 
 
 are
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 129 
 
 «re perpetually crying and hankering after the fame things here below. I 
 own it gives me pleafure to torment them a little. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 But you fhould not : they have reafon enough to complain, conCderlng 
 
 what they have loft. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 And are you really, Pluto, fo mad as to approve of their lamentations ? 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 Not fo : but I would have no diffenfions amongft you. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Be aflured, ye worft of Lydians, Phrygians, and Affyrians, that wherc- 
 
 ever you go, 1 will follow and perfecute you ; will make you the fubjedt of 
 
 my fongs, laughter, and ridicule. 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 
 Is not this a (hame ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 No : the Ihame fhould be your's : when upon earth, you expeifted to be 
 
 worlhipped ; trod upon and infultcd your fellow-creatures ; and never 
 
 thought of death ; weep now, therefore, and lament your condition, as you 
 
 deferve. 
 
 C R (E S U S. 
 
 O gods, my riches, my riches ! 
 
 MIDAS. 
 My gold, my gold ! 
 
 SARDANAPALUS. 
 My dainties, my dainties ! 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Aye, aye : cry away ; whilft I ling the old adage to you. Know thyfcif, 
 the beft fymphony for fuch lamentations. 
 
 Vol. I. S D I A-
 
 130 
 
 DIALOGUES OP the DEAD. 
 
 DIALOGUE 11. 
 
 MERCURY, CHARON. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Suppofe, Mr. waterman, you and I Ihould fettle our accounts, that we 
 may have no fquabble about them hereafter. 
 
 CHARON. 
 With all my heart, Mercury ; it will be better for us both, and may pre- 
 vent trouble. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Imprimis, then, you are indebted to me for an anchor, which I brought 
 you by your own order, five drachmas, 
 
 CHARON. 
 You charge me too much. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 By Pluto, it coft me that : item, for a chain to your oar, two oboli, 
 
 CHARON. 
 Put down five drachmas, and two oboli. 
 
 MERCURY. J 
 
 Item, a needle to mend your fail, for which I paid five oboli. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Well : down with it. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 ' Item, for pitch, to flop up the cracks in your boat, with nails, and 
 
 tackle, all together, two drachmas. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Well, that Is cheap enough. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 If I am right in my reckoning, this, I think, is all ; and now pray when 
 
 do you intend to pay me ? 
 
 ^ CHARON. 
 
 At prefent, Mercury, it is not in my power : but if a plague, or a war 
 
 fhould fend down a good troop of mortals, I may pick up a little amongft 
 
 them, by overcharging them in my fare. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 I have nothing to do then but to fit me down contented, and pray 
 
 heartily
 
 DIALOGUES OP the DEAD. 131 
 
 heartily for all the mifchief that can happen, that I may reap the benefit 
 
 of it. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Indeed, Mercury, fo it mufl be : you fee I have very little company at 
 
 prefent, in time of peace. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 And well it is fo, though it defers the payment of my debt. You muft 
 
 remember, Charon, what fort of mortals ufed to come down formerly, 
 
 llout, able men, full of blood, and covered with wounds : now-a-days wc 
 
 fee none but old fellows made away with by their fons, hulbands by their 
 
 wives, or poor wretches that died of dropfies, with bloated legs and bellies, 
 
 from high living, pale, and ghaftly, and not at all like our old vifitors : 
 
 moft of thefe new-comers are fent to us by foul means, for the fake of their 
 
 money. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Which, you know, is very defirable. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 You cannot blame me, therefore, if I dun you a little for what you 
 owe me. 
 
 DIALOGUE III. 
 
 PLUTO, MERCURY. 
 PLUTO. 
 DO you know that old fellow, * that very old man; I mean the rich 
 Eucrates, who has not one child to inherit his eftate, but about fifty thou- 
 fand legacy-hunters gaping after it ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 O yes ; the Sicyonlan, you mean. What of him ? 
 
 PLUTO. 
 Why, I will tell you. Mercury ; to the ninety years he has already lived, 
 1 would add ninety more, let him add, if he can, as many more to that : 
 
 * That very old man, fefr.] The practice of legacy-hunting hath been a fruitful and inex- 
 hauflible objetft of ridicule and fatire amongft wits, both ancient and modern, from the days of 
 Lucian to thofe of Ben Jonfon, who has, perhaps, treated it more fully and comprehenfively 
 than any of them : the plan of his excellent comedy of Volpone feems to have been taken from 
 this dialogue. 
 
 S 2 but
 
 ,22 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD, 
 
 but as to thofe parafites, young Charinus, Damon, and the reft of them, 
 condudt them this way as foon as you pleafe. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 This appears to me rather abfurd. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 Not at all : it is but juftice; for what has he done to them, that they 
 ihould wlfli him to die ? unlefs it is merely bccaufe they have no right to 
 exped it. But what ftiews their villainy moft, is, that whilft they are thus 
 praying for his departure, yet, to all outward appearance, they feem to wor- 
 {hip him ; when he is fick, their confultations together plainly fhew their 
 intentions, though, at the fame time, they pretend they would facrifice their 
 lives to recover him : but the adulation of t' efe wretches puts on a thoufand 
 different (hapes. Let him, therefore, be immortal, and let them gape in 
 vain for his riches, and march off before him. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 The punifhment is a proper one for fuch fcoundrels as they are ; the old man 
 cajoles them pretty well himfelf, and feeds them up with falfe hopes ; looks 
 as if he was going to die, and, at the fame time, is as well and hearty as 
 themfelves : they, in the mean time, are dividing the fpoil, and enjoying, 
 in imagination, the happinefs of their future fortune. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 Let him, therefore, fhake off the old man, and, like lolaus, grow young 
 again; and they, leaving their dreamed-of treafures, die miferable, like 
 wretches as they are, and make us a vifit here below. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Pluto, make yourfelf eafy, I fhall take care to condudt them hither one 
 by one : there are, I think, feven of them. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 Bring them away ; and, as for him, let him fend them before him, and 
 grow young as fjfl as he can. 
 
 D I A-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 133 
 
 DIALOGUE IV. 
 
 ZENOPHANTES and CALLIDEMIDES. 
 CALLIDEMIDES. 
 
 AH! Zenophantes, how came you here? I, you know, was fuffocated 
 by eating too much at Dineas's feaft; you were there, I think, yourfelf, 
 
 when I died. .. ^ „ „ 
 
 ZENOPHANTES. 
 
 I was fo, Callidemides : but my accident was a very extraordinary one : 
 
 you know old Ptaodotus. 
 
 CALLIDEMIDES. 
 
 The rich old cuff, without children, whom you ufed to attend {0 con- 
 
 ftantly. 
 
 ZENOPHANTES. 
 
 The fame : I paid my court to him a long time, hoping he would foon 
 tip off, and leave me all his money : but the affair being tedioufly protradted, 
 and the old fellow threatening to live to the age of ^ Tithonus, I found out 
 alhorter way to his eftatc, bought fome poifon, and prevailed on his cup- 
 bearer, whenever he ffiould call for drink, for he topes freely, to put fome 
 into his cup, and be ready to give it him : which, if he performed cleverly, 
 I bound myfelf by oath to give him his liberty. 
 
 CALLIDEMIDES. 
 Well, and what happened ? this is an extraordinary affair, indeed. 
 
 ZENOPHANTES. 
 Why, when we came into the room after bathing, and the young fellow 
 had got the cups ready, one for Ptaodotus with the poifon, and the other 
 for me, how it happened I know not, but by fome miftake, he gave me the 
 poifoned cup, and him the other ; he drank up his, and I in a moment fell 
 down dead before him: thus Zenophantes died inftead of Ptaodorus. You 
 fmile, Callidemides: you fhould not laugh at a friend's misfortune. 
 
 * Tithonus.] Son of Laoir.edon, and brother to Priam, being a beautiful youth, Aurora, 
 fell in love with, and carried him off; at her requeft, Jupiter made him immortal ; but his 
 milbefs having forgot to afk for perpetual youth, as well as immortality, as he advanced in 
 years he felt all the infirmities of old age, and was, confequently, mifcrable. Jupirer, at 
 length, fays the fable, took pity on, and turned him into a gralshopper. On the fufferings of 
 Tithonus, who was only more wretched by being immortal, was probably founded Swiit's idea 
 
 oftheStrulbrugs, in hlsGulUver. 
 
 C A L L I.
 
 ,54 DIALOGUES op the DEAD. 
 
 CALLIDEMIDES. 
 
 The cataftrophe was fo ridiculous, I cannot help it : and what faid the old 
 
 "^^"' ZENOPHANTES. 
 
 At firft he was Ihocked at the fuddennefs of the accident : but when he 
 found out, I fuppofe, how the affair happened, he laughed himfelf at the 
 dcfign of his cup-bearer. 
 
 CALLIDEMIDES. 
 
 You Ihould not have gone this compendious way to work, feeing the 
 money would have come fafer to you in the common courfe, though you 
 might have waited a little longer for it. 
 
 DIALOGUE V. 
 
 SIMYLUS AND POLYSTRATUS. 
 
 S I M Y L U S. 
 
 IS Polyflratus come to us at laft, after a life, I believe, of pretty near a 
 
 hundred ? 
 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 
 A little above ninety-eight, Simjlus. 
 
 SIMYLUS. 
 When I died, you were above feventy : pray, how have you lived for 
 thefe thirty years paft ? ^ 
 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 Moft pleafantly, I affure you ; and that, you will fay, is a wonder. 
 
 SIMYLUS. 
 A wonder, indeed, .for an old man, like you, infirm, and without chil- 
 dren, to enjoy life. 
 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 
 In the firft place, I wanted for nothing : fine boys, charming women, 
 
 fweet-fcented wines, and a table with more than Sicilian luxury. 
 
 SIMYLUS. 
 
 This is quite new : I always took you for a mifer. 
 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 
 Aye : but I have had a new flow of wealth come in upon me fince : vifi- 
 
 tors flocked in every morning, and brought me the fineft prefents of every 
 
 kind, from all parts of the earth. 
 
 ^ SI-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 135 
 
 S I M Y L U S. 
 
 So, after me reigned Polyllratus. 
 
 POLY STRATUS, 
 No : but I had a thoufand admirers. 
 
 S I M Y L U S. 
 Ridiculous ! admirers at your age, with but four teeth left in your head. 
 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 By Jupiter, all the firft men in the kingdom : old as I was, bald-pated, 
 and fquinting, as you fee, they worfhipped me : happy was he whom I did 
 
 but look upon. 
 
 S I M Y L U S. 
 
 Did you bring over a Venus from Chios, like ^ Phaon, who, at your re- 
 
 queft, generoully condefcended to make you young again, handfome, and 
 
 defirable. 
 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 
 Not fo ; but even as I was, they adored me. 
 
 S I M Y L U S, 
 
 This is a riddle, indeed. 
 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 
 O, the love I experienced is very common towards rich old men that have 
 
 no children. 
 
 S I M Y L U S. 
 
 I underlland your beauty now : it fprung from a golden Venus. 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 
 I aflure you I reaped no fmall advantage from my lovers, little lefs than 
 
 adoration : fomctimes I bore myfelf haughty to them, and even banifhed 
 
 them from my prefence, whllft they endeavoured to rival each other in their 
 
 attachment to me. 
 
 S I M Y L U S. 
 
 And how did you manage at lafl with regard to your eftate ? 
 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 
 Promifcd every one of them openly that I would make him my heir, 
 
 * Phaon.'] A young man of Mitylene, in the Ifland of Lefbos j he was m after of a flalp, 
 and, having one day, it feems, the good fortune to take the goddefs Venus on board, and carry 
 her fafe to land, flie made him amends, by prefenting him with a bottle of precious ointment 
 to rub himfelf with, and which immediately rendered him the moll beautiful of his fex, and 
 made, confequently, all the girls in love with him. Amongft his admirers was the unfortu- 
 nate Sappho. 
 
 which
 
 1^6 D I A L O G U E S OF the DEAD. 
 
 which every one believed, and was therefore more obfequious : then made 
 
 my will privately, and left them all to lament their difappointment. 
 
 S I M Y L U S. 
 
 And whom did you make your heir by your laft will > Any relation ? 
 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 
 No : by Jove ! but a handfome young Phrygian. 
 
 S I M y L U S, 
 
 How old was he ? 
 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 
 About twenty. 
 
 S I M Y L U S. 
 
 O ! I underftand you now : his title was a good one. 
 POLYSTRATUS. 
 He was at leaft a much worthier objedt than any of them, though a bar- 
 barian, and of no great charader : the nobles, I affure you, pay him great 
 refpeft, as my heir, and now he is ranked amongft the patricians ; and, 
 though his chin is Ihaved, and he fpeaks a foreign language, they will tell 
 you he is better born than Codrus, handfomer than Nereus, and more pru- 
 dent than Ulyfles. 
 
 S I M Y L U S. 
 
 For that I care not : let him be generaliffimo of Greece, fo thofe fcoun- 
 drels do not inherit your eftate. 
 
 DIALOGUE VL 
 
 CRATES, DIOGENES. 
 
 CRATES. 
 
 DID you know Masrichus, the Corinthian, that very rich fellow, who 
 had fo many merchantmen, a coufin german of Arifteas's, who was as rich 
 as himfelf : he ufed always to be repeating that paflage of Homer, 
 
 I on thee will feize. 
 
 Or thou on me 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 What was the caufe. Crates, of their extraordinary attachment to each 
 other ? 
 
 C R A^
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 137 
 
 CRATES. 
 
 Their eftates : both being of the fame age, both made their wills public ; 
 M^richus, in cafe he (hould die firft, left all he had to Arifteas; and Arifteas, 
 to Msrichus, on the fame condition : the teftaments on both fides figned 
 and fealed, each of them ftrove to outdo the other in conftant attendance 
 and mutual adulation : the foothfayers, as well thofe who guefs at futurity 
 from the ftars, as the fons of Chaldaea, who prefage by dreams, even the 
 Pythian himfclf fometimes leaned towards Arifteas, and fometimes to Ma- 
 richus, and the fcale was held a longtime in equal ballance between them. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 And how ended the affair ? for it mud be worth hearing. 
 
 CRATES. 
 Both died in one day ; and their eftates came to their relations, Euno- 
 mius and Thraficles, who had never dreamed of fuch good fortune. The 
 two old gentlemen, it feems, in their voyage from Sicyon to Cynha, meet- 
 ing with an unfortunate north-eaft wind, full againft them, were both loft. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 So much the better : now, when you and I were alive, we never 
 
 troubled our heads with each other,- nor did I ever wilh for Antifthenes's 
 
 death, that his ftafF (for he had an excellent ftrongone, made out of box), 
 
 might defcend to me ; no more than you, I believe. Crates, defired my 
 
 departure, that you might inherit my tub, and fcrip, with two pecks of 
 
 beans in it. 
 
 CRATES. 
 
 What they were fo anxious about, Diogenes, were things which neither 
 
 you nor I wanted : what I really wanted, and what you had from Antift- 
 
 henes, and what, as it were by hereditary right, I received from you, were 
 
 greater treafures, and far more valuable than the Perfian empire. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 What may they be ? 
 
 CRATES. 
 Wifdom, felf-complacency, truth, boldnefs, freedom, liberty. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Thefe, by Jupiter, I remember were left me by Antlfthenes, and thefe, 
 and more than thefe, did 1 bequeath to Crates, 
 
 Vol. I. T C R A-
 
 138 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 
 
 CRATES. 
 But riches of this kind were defpifed, nor did any fawn upon us in hopes 
 of inheriting them : all were intent on gold, and gold alone. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 And who could blame them ? they were not capable of receiving what we 
 could leave; it would have dropped through fuch empty purfes : for, if you 
 were to pour in wifdom, freedom of fpeech, or truth into them, it would 
 only run out again, having no bottom to contain it, as it happened to the 
 daughters of Danaus, when they poured water into a fieve : though, at the 
 fame time, the wretches fought * tooth and nail for a little gold. 
 
 CRATES. 
 Here, alfo, we (hall be fure to enjoy our treafure, and hither they muft 
 come, bringing only one -j- farthing along with them, and even that they 
 muft part from to Charon. 
 
 DIALOGUE Vir. 
 
 MENIPPUS, MERCURY. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 WHERE are your beauties of both fexes. Mercury? I am a Granger 
 here butjuft arrived, and therefore beg you would condudt me to them. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Menippus, I have not time for that at prefent : turn, however, to your 
 right hand, and you will fee Hyacinthus, and Narciffus, and Nereus, and 
 Achilles, and Tyro, and Helen, and Leda, and the reft of them, the ad- 
 miration of former ages. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 1 fee nothing but bones, and fculls without hair : they all look alike. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Thofe bones and fkulls, which you feem to defpife, were the very per- 
 fons whom the poets fo extol. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Shew me Helen, I befeech you, for I cannot diftinguifli her. 
 
 * Tooth and nail. "l O^acr» >t«» oril», fays Lucian, the tranflation here is literal. 
 
 f One farthing.'] The Greeks always put into the mouths of their dead a piece of money, 
 
 generally an obelus, to pay Charon for their paflage over the Styx, Ariflophanes, in his Frogs, 
 
 fpeaks of two, but this was by way of humour, 
 ^ ' M E R.
 
 D I ALOGUES or the DEAD. 139 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Yonder bald-pate is Ihe. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 And were a thoufand fhips manned from every part of Greece, were {o 
 many Greeks and Barbarians flain, and fo many cities deftroyed for lier ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 You never faw her when Ihe was. alive : if you had, you would not have 
 wonder'd, as the * poet fays, 
 
 No wonder fuch celeflial charms, 
 
 For nine long years, have fet the world in arms. 
 
 When the flower is withered, and has lofl its colour, it becomes difguftful; 
 though, whilft it grew and flourifhed, it was univerfally admired. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 All I wonder at. Mercury, is, that the Grecians did not confider how ri- 
 diculous it was to give themfelves fo much trouble about an objedt of fuch 
 a (hort-lived and decaying nature. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 I have no leifure time to philofophize with you, Menlppus, fo repofe 
 yourfelf wherever you pleafe : I mulT: go and fetch down fome more 
 mortals. 
 
 DIALOGUE Vlir. 
 
 MENIPPUS, CERBERUS. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 BROTHER, Cerberus, (for, as I am a Cynic, you and I muft be 
 nearly related to each other), I befcech you, by Styx", to inform me how 
 Socrates behaved when he came down amongft you : I fuppofe, being a 
 god, you can talk as well as bark, when you have a mind to it. 
 
 CERBERUS. 
 At firfl, Menippus, and whilft he was at a good diftance from me, he 
 never looked back, but advanced boldly forwards, feeming not to fear 
 death in the leafl, and, as if he meant to fhew his bravery to thofe who 
 
 ♦ Js tSe poet /ays.] See Homer's Iliad, r. 1. 156. Non putant, indignum, (fays the gallant 
 Quintillian), Trojanl principes Gralos Trojanofque propter Hellena; fpeciem tot mala, tanto 
 temporis fpatio, fuftinere : — Quenam igltur ilia forma credenda ell ? 
 
 T 2 flood
 
 140 DIALOGUES of the DEAD. 
 
 flood afar off from the entrance of Tartarus ; but when he came .into the 
 cave and found it all dark and difmal, and, to haften him a little, I bit 
 him by his poifoned foot, he cri^d like a child, began to lament his chil- 
 dren, and writhed about wonderfully. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 He was after all, then, a mere Sophift, and had not fuch a contempt for 
 death as he pretended to have. 
 
 CERBERUS. 
 Perhaps not : but as he faw it was not to be avoided, he put on an air of 
 Indifference, as if he chofe to fuffer it : willing, or unwilling, he knew it 
 muft happen, but pretended to be courageous, that the fpedtators might 
 admire him. I can fay, indeed, with great truth, of all this kind of men, 
 that, as far as the jaws of hell, they are bold and fearlefs, but when they 
 come on the infide, they are frightened out of their wits. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 How did 1 feem to behave, when I came down firfl ? 
 
 CERBERUS. 
 
 * Worthy of yourfelf, Menippus ; Diogenes and you alone behaved like 
 men : not fhoved in, againft your wills, but entering of your own accord ; as 
 if all befides you came to weep and lament, and you only to laugh and be 
 merry. 
 
 DIALOGUE IX. 
 
 CHARON, MENIPPUS, and MERCURY. 
 CHARON. 
 
 You rafcal, pay me my fare. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Bawl away, Charon, if you like it. 
 
 CHARON. 
 Pay me, I fay, for bringing you over. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 From him who has nothing, nothing can you receive, 
 
 * IForthy of yourfelf.'] Lucian, generally, we may obferve, takes the part of the Cynics, 
 and, though he laughs at the whole corps, feems to think that fe<^ the moft honeft amonglt 
 them : though, in the next dialogue, Menippus is abufed for not paying Charon his fare. 
 
 CHARON.
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 141 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Can a man be without one farthing ? 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 I do not know what others may be, but fure I am I have it not. 
 
 CHARON. 
 Give it me this moment, or I will ftrangle you. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 I will break your head with this ftick. 
 
 CHARON. 
 Do you think I will carry you fuch a voyage for nothing ? 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 Let Mercury pay for me, he brought me to you. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 A fine bargain, indeed, I Ihould have, to pay for all the dead men I 
 
 bring down. „ . „ ^ xt 
 
 ^ CHARON. 
 
 I fhall not let you go. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 Haul your boat alhore then : but how will you take from me what I have 
 
 '^^'g^'- CHARON. 
 
 Did not you know you were to bring fomething for me ? 
 
 M E N 1 P P U S. 
 I did : but I had nothing, and for that reafon was not I to die ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 You will be the only one that could ever boaft of being ferried over gratis. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Not fo neither : I pumped for you, nay, and handled an oar ; befides, I 
 was the only one of your paffengers who did not cry and howl. 
 
 CHARON. 
 That is nothing to the fare : you muft give me my farthing, it cannot 
 beotherwife. m E N I P P U S. 
 
 Carry me back again, then, to the other world. 
 
 CHARON. 
 Thank you for that; and fo get well beat by uEacus for it. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Then do not be troublefome. C H A-
 
 i^z DIALOGUES of the DEAD. 
 
 CHARON. 
 Shew me what you have got in your bag. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 There are fome lupines for you, if you will, they are * Hecate's fupper. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Mercury, what did you bring this poor dog here for, to prate all the 
 
 voyage, and jefl upon all the pailengers, he laughing and (Inging, and they 
 
 crying all the time > 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Do not you know, Charon, who it is you have brought over; a free man, 
 I alTure you, and one who cares for nobody, it is Menippus. 
 
 CHARON. 
 If ever I catch him — 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 But remember, my friend, you cannot catch me twice. 
 
 DIALOGUE X. 
 
 PLUTO, fPROSERPINE, and PROTESILAUS. 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 
 PLIJTO! our great lord and mafler, the Jupiter of thefe regions, 
 and thou, daughter of Ceres, defpife not a lover's prayer. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 What would you aik of us, friend, and who are you ? 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 
 1 am Protefilaus, the Phylacian, fon of Iphiclus, an ally of the Gre- 
 cians, and was the firll man flain at Troy : my defire is, that I may return 
 back, and live a little longer. 
 
 * Hecate' s /upper ."l The triple goddefs, Diana on earth, Luna in heaven, and Proferpine in 
 hell: the goddefs alfo of magicians and enchanters. Expiatory facrifices, or flippers, were of- 
 fered to this deity, to avert any evils which might impend, by reafon of particular crimes com- 
 mitted in the highway. Every new moon, fays Potter, there was a public ^sirwc, or fupper, 
 provided at the charge of the richer fort, which was no fooner brought to the accuftomed place, 
 but the poorer people carried it all off, giving out that Hecate had devoured it : whence it was 
 called Hecate's fupper.— There is humour in this allufion to it by Menippus. 
 
 I Pro/erphie.'] The title of this dialogue, in all the editions of Lucian, which I have feen, 
 gives us only the names of Pluto and Protefilaus, though, as Proferpine ads a part in the farce, 
 ftie had an undoubted title to be inferted in the dramatis perforce. 
 
 V L U-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 143 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 That is a defire, Protefilaus, which all the dead have ; but which was 
 never granted to an}\ 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 
 It is not for the fake of living, but on account of my * wife, whom I had 
 but juft married, and left in her bridal-bed, when I fet out on my voyage, 
 and, unfortunately, the moment I landed, was flain by Hedor : the love 
 of her makes me very unhappy, all I wifh for is but to fee her for a Ihort 
 time, and return to you again. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 Have not you drank the waters of Lethe ? 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 
 I have, but to no purpofe ; this thought is flill afflidting. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 You had better flay here : there is no occafion for your returning to her^, 
 for Ihe will certainly come to you. 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 
 But I cannot bear to wait. O Pluto ! you know too well yourfelf what 
 
 it is to love. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 "What pleafure would it be to you to live only one day more, and after- 
 wards have the fame caufe for grief? 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 I believe I could perfuade her to follow me hither-, fo that inftead of one, 
 you would have two new fubjefls in a very fhort time. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 That cannot be done : nor ever has been. 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 I will recall to your memory an inftance or two of it ; on this very account 
 you rcftored Eurydice to Orpheus, and my relation Alceftes alfo, at the re- 
 queft of Hercules. 
 
 * .Jiy -a'//(-.] Laodamia, who, on hearing of her hiifband's death, deftroyed herfelf. The 
 oracle had declared, that whoever landed firft on the Trojan fliore would be flain. Protefilaus, 
 notwithftandlng, embarked on the expedition, and bravely facrificed his life in the fervice of L'.i 
 country. The Greeks paid him divine honours, and ered^ed a temple to him, and inftituted a 
 folemn annual feftival, called by his name, in commemoration of him. The fable, of his re- 
 turning to life for a day, is mentioned by Philoflratus, Minutius Felix, and fome others. Ser- 
 vius, in a note on a paflage in the .Eneid, tells us, that Laodomia was fo terrified at the return 
 
 of her hufband to life, that (he expired in his arms. 
 
 PLUTO.
 
 144 DIALOGUES ofthe DEAD. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 And would you, fuch a horrid fleftilefs fpeftre as you are, appear before 
 your beauteous bride ? how would fhe look upon, when flie could not know 
 you ! Ihe will only be frightened, and run away from you ; and fo you will 
 go back fuch a way for nothing. 
 
 PROSERPINE. 
 
 For that, hufband, you may find a remedy, by ordering Mercury, whca 
 Protefilaus comes to life again, to touch him with his rod, and make him 
 as young and handfome as when he came from the nuptial bed. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 Since fo it feems good to Proferpine, take and make him a bridegroom 
 again : but remember, Protefilaus, that you take but one day. 
 
 DIALOGUE XI. 
 
 CNEMON AND DAMNIPPUS, 
 
 C N E M O N. 
 THIS makes the old faying good, the * kid has llain the lion. 
 
 DAMNIPPUS. 
 What is it you are fo angry about, Cnemon ? 
 
 CNEMON. 
 
 What am I angry for ? why, I have been over-reached, and left a 
 
 "man heir to my eftate, whom I did not care for, inflead of thofe who ought 
 
 to have inherited it. 
 
 DAMNIPPUS. 
 
 How came that about ? 
 
 CNEMON. 
 
 I paid my court to Hermolaus, a rich fellow, who had no children. In 
 
 hopes of his death : he was pleafed with my flattery, and feemed to enjoy 
 
 it; in the mean time, I thought it mofl advifeable to make my will public, 
 
 wherein I left him all I had; which I did, you may fuppofe, wi^h a defign 
 
 that he Ihould do the fame by me. 
 
 DAMNIPPUS. '' 
 
 And did he ? 
 
 CNEMON. 
 
 What he had determined in his will, I am a flranger to : being myfelf 
 
 * 'The kid, ^f .] A Greek proverb, generally applied to any flrange and unexpected event, 
 contrary to the common courfe of things. 
 
 fuddenly
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 
 
 U5 
 
 fuddenly fnatched away by the fall of a houfc upon me : and now Hermo- 
 
 laus is in poflcffion of all I was worth : like a fhark, he has fvvallowed the 
 
 bait, hook and all. 
 
 D A M N I P P U S. 
 
 Yes, and fifherman too, I think : you have fprcad a fnarc^ and caught 
 
 yourfelf. 
 
 C N E M O N. 
 
 I have fo : and it is that which makes me miferable. 
 
 DIALOGUE XII. 
 
 DIOGENES AND MAUSOLUS. 
 
 , DIOGENES. 
 
 MAUSOLUS, why all thefe haughty airs, as if you thought yourfelf 
 fuperior to every body elfe ? 
 
 MAUSOLUS. 
 Becaufe, Diogenes, I am a king ; becaufe I ruled over all Caria, and part 
 of Lydia ; fubdued feveral iflands, conquered half Ionia, and came as far as 
 Miletus : add to this, that I was tall, handfomc, and ftrong in battle : but 
 above all, becaufe I have a * monument at Halicarnaflus, ered:ed with ex- 
 traordinary 
 
 * A monuJKcnt, ^c] We are told by Aulus Gellius, book x. lib. i8. that Artemlfia, the 
 wlte of Maufolus, was fo fond ot him, that, after his death, his body being reduced to aflies, 
 flie made them into a powder, mixed with fpices and perfumes, infufed them in water, and 
 drank them up ; as Angular an inftance of conjugal affection as is, perhaps, to be met with in 
 the records of antiquity. Modern times can fcarcely boart a parallel : a circumrtance, however, 
 not much unlike it, has happened in our own, and not long fince, which I fiiall take this op- 
 portunity of delivering to pofteiity. 
 
 Mr. Van-Butchel, a moll ingenious artlil, had the misfortune, fomc few years ago, tolofe the 
 wite of his bofom : unwilling, however, to part with her fo foon, or to confign her, like com- 
 mon clay, to a dirty grave, immediately after her deceafe, he contrived, with the affiftanceot 
 Mr. Hunter, one of the firft anatomifts in the kingdom, by means of a kind of pickle, fo to 
 preferve the body as to'give it nearly the appearance of life and health, put it into a glafs-cafe, 
 and fliewed it for a long time to his friends and acquaintance, and where it may, lor ought I 
 know, remain to this day. An eminent phyfician, now living, who is as well known for his 
 claffical tulle and extenfive learning, as for his extraord'nary Ikill in his prolelfion, has recorded 
 this fingular tranfaAion in fome excellent Latin lines, which, as, I believe, they were never yet 
 printed, I fhall here fubjoin (forgive me this liberty, my good friend, Dr. Baker\ for the en- 
 tertainment of my readers. 
 
 VX)L. I. U In
 
 J4« DIALOGUES oFTHE DEAD. 
 
 traordlnary magnificence, fuch a one as never dead man had before: nothing 
 was ever equal to it in beauty ; with men and horfes carved to the life, out of 
 the fineft marble : you will not find a * temple in the wotld comparable to 
 it. Have not I fome reafon to be proud of fuch things ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 What 1 of empire, beauty, or a large tomb ? 
 
 MAUSOLUS. 
 By Jove, I think fo. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 But, my dear handfome Maufolus, you have no longer either flrength or 
 beauty ; and if we were to call in an arbitrator to decide on corporeal excel- 
 lence, I fee no reafon why, at prefent, he fhould prefer your bald pate to mine, 
 feeing they are both of them alike : we both fhew our teeth, both have loft 
 our eyes, and our nofes are both flat; as to your fine marble fepulchres, the 
 HalicarnafTians, perhaps, may be proud of it, and ihew their magnificent 
 llrudlure to ftrangers, with no little oftentation ; but, in troth, noble fir, 
 I cannot fee what fervice it is of to you ; unlefs, indeed, you will fay, you 
 
 In reliquias Marl» Vanbutchel novo miraculo confervatas, & a marito fuo fuperftltes cultu 
 
 quotidiano adoratas. 
 Hlc, exfors tumuli, jacet Uxorem multurti amafam 
 
 Uxor Joannis Vanbutchel, Retinere una in unis asdibus, 
 
 Integra omnino & incorrupta, ' AflFari, tangere, compleai, 
 
 Viri fui amantiffimi Propter dormire, fi lubet, 
 
 Defiderium fimul & delicise ; Non fatis modo fuperftltem, 
 
 Quam gravi morbo vitiatam, Sed, (quod mirabilius) 
 
 Confumptamque tandem longa morte, Etiam fuaviorem, 
 
 In banc, quam cernis, nitorem, Venultiorem, 
 
 In banc fpeciem & colorem viventis Habitiorem, 
 
 Ab indecora putredine vindicavit, Solidam magis, & magis fucci plenam, 
 
 Invita & repugnante natura, Quam cum ipfa in vivis fuerit ! 
 
 Vir egregius, GulielmusHunterus, O ! fortunatum virura, & invidendum, 
 
 Artificii prius intentati Cui peculiare hoc, & proprium contingit, 
 
 Inventor idem & perfeftor. Apud fe habere faeminam 
 
 O ! fortunatum marltum, ^ Conftantem fibi, 
 
 Cui datur Et horis omnibus eandem ! 
 
 * Temple.] The tomb, ereded by Artemifia, in memory of Maufolus, is ufually reckoned 
 amongfl the feven wonders of the world. It is faid to have been four hundred and eleven feet in 
 circumference, and one hundred and forty feet high, containing a pyramid within of the fame 
 height. The term of Maufoleum has been adopted l^ all the fons and daughters of poflhumous 
 vanity, and is ufed to this day, 
 
 bear
 
 PIALOGUES OFTHE DEAD. 1^7 
 
 be^r a greater, burthen than any of us, being prelTed down with fuch a 
 weight of marble. 
 
 MAUSOLUS. 
 So,, all thefe things, ^rc to be counted for nothing, and Maufolus and Dio- 
 genes are upon a level ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Not fo, neither, great fir : for Maufolus will be tormented whenever 
 he refledison what once made him fo happy : whilft Diogenes, at the fame 
 time, will laugh at him for it. He will fay that the monument at Halicar- 
 nalTus was ereded by his fitter, and his wife Artemifia : Diogenes, on the 
 other hand, does not fo much as know whether he had any fepulchre at 
 aih; nor did he even care about it: but he left behind him, amongft the 
 good and great, the charader of one who lived like a man; a chara<fler, 
 thou abjedt creature, higher than thy monument, and built on a much 
 nobler foundation. 
 
 DIALOGUE XIII. 
 
 A J A X A N D A G A M E M N Q N. 
 
 AGAMEMNON. 
 WHY, O Ajax, after running mad, as you did, thinking you had de- 
 llroyed us all, and then killing yourfelf, do you find fault with UlyflTcs ? 
 you would not fo much as look at him jufl: now ; when he came hither to 
 confult the foothfayer, never condefcended to fpeak to your old friend and 
 fellow-foldier ; but haughtily ftalked by, and took no notice of him. 
 
 AJAX. 
 Agamemnon,, he defervcd- it : he was the caijfe of my frenzy,, by con- 
 tending with me for the armour. 
 
 AGAMEMNON. 
 Could you expedt to be without a rival, or to gain the viftory over all, 
 without the trouble of a conteft ? 
 
 AJAX. 
 
 At leaft in that caufe, I think, I oughr: the arms were mine by right of 
 
 inheritance, as they belonged to my coufin Achilles ; and this, moreover, 
 
 you, who were all his fuperiors, acknowleged, and yielded them to me : 
 
 but that fon of Laertes, whofe life I have fo often faved, when in the ut- 
 
 U 2 moft
 
 148 DIALOGUES OFTHE DEAD. 
 
 moft danger, he, and he alone, pretended to be worthier of them than 
 
 myfelf. 
 
 AGAMEMNON. 
 
 My noble friend, 5^ou fhould lay the blame on Thetis, who, inftead of 
 giving you the armour, which fhe ought to have done, as the neareil rela- 
 tion, expofed them to public view. 
 
 A I A X. 
 
 She was not to blame, but Ulyflcs, who alone flood in oppofition to me. 
 
 AGAMEMNON. 
 
 Surely, Ajax, he is to be forgiven, if, as a man, he was fond of glory, 
 for whofe fake we are all ready to abide the greateft perils ; befides, that he 
 fairly conquered you ; and fo the Trojans themfelves determined. 
 
 AJAX. 
 
 I know very well who determined it : but we mud not fpeak evil of the 
 gods : Ulyffes, however, I Ihall always abhor, though Minerva herfelf 
 were to forbid me. 
 
 DIALOGUE XIV. 
 
 ANTILOCHUS and ACHILLES. 
 ANTILOCHUS. 
 ACHILLES, how could you talk as you juft now did to UlyfTes, con- 
 cerning death, in a manner fo unbecoming the pupil of Chiron and Phoe- 
 nix ? I overheard you telling him, that ^ you had rather be a ploughman, 
 
 or 
 
 * l''ou /jail rather, fe'f.] The words here alluded to are fpoken by Achilles to Ulyfles In the 
 (hades, as related in the eleventh book of Homer's Odyffey.— They are thus tranflated by Pope, 
 
 Rather I'd chiife laborioufly to bear 
 A weight of woes, and breathe the vital air, 
 A (lave to fome poor hind, that toils for bread. 
 Than reign the fcepter'd monarch of the dead. 
 
 See Pope's Odyfley, book xi. ver. ^97. 
 
 Homer has undoubtedly given a mofl: wretched, imperfed, and unaccountable defcription of 
 a future Hate. In his infernal regions, we do not find, except in a very few inflances, any pro- 
 per dilVmftion between the good and the bad ; the guilty are not punifhed, nor the virtuous re- 
 warded ; the ghofts are all moft miferable figures, and, like fo many frightful fkeletons, ap- 
 parently without any thing to employ or to divert them. Virgil's hell is certainly a much 
 more rational, as well as a much more poetical one. Lucian, who feems fond of taking every 
 
 oppur-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 149 
 
 or labourer to feme needy ruftic, who had fcarce bread to eat, than be a 
 monarch here below : fuch words had fuited well a low Phrygian Have, 
 anxious after long life; but for the fon of Peleus, the firfl of heroes, who 
 had courted fo many dangers in the field, to think fo meanly, and fo much 
 beneath himfelf, is Ihameful indeed, and diredtly oppofite to all his former 
 noble adions ; for, when you might have reigned at Phthlotis, and lived 
 inglorious, even to extreme old age, you preferred an honourable death. 
 
 ACHILLES. 
 
 But then, O fon of Ncftor, I was ignorant of this ftatc, and knew not 
 which was beft : therefore did I prefer that idle fame to life; at length I 
 have difcovcred how unprofitable it is. On earth, indeed, fuch deeds as 
 mine are loudly celebrated, but amongft the dead all are equal : no longer, 
 Antilochus, have we ftrength or beauty, but are all involved in the fame 
 obfcurity, and not diftinguiihable one from another; nor Trojan ghofts are 
 afraid of, nor Grecian revere Achilles ; one (hade is like another, and the 
 coward and the brave are here mingled together : this is what difgufts mc, 
 and I had much rather live and be a flave on earth. 
 
 ANTILOCHUS. 
 
 What Is to be done ? it is the law of nature that all mufl die, you fiiould 
 fubmit to it therefore, and not repine : you fee how many of your friends 
 are already here : UlyfTes too, will join us foon. Let it then afford you com- 
 fort, that you are not the only fuflferer : behold Hercules, Meleager, and 
 other excellent men, who, I believe, would not willingly return to the 
 other world, if they expeded to be fent thither to be in a flate of feirvitude, 
 under the low and indigent. 
 
 ACHILLES. 
 
 It is a friendly admonition : and yet, I know not how it is, but the me- 
 mory of my paft life ftill difquiets me, and I cannot help thinking that 
 every one of you is afFedted in the fame manner; and if you will notacknow- 
 lege it, you are but fo much the more to blame, in luffering without com- 
 plaint. 
 
 ANTILOCHUS. 
 
 Rather fay, Achilles, we aft more prudently than yourfclf ; as well know- 
 opportunity to turn the blind bard into ridicule, has feverely cenfured him in many places for 
 propagating fuch abfurd notions ; though Hcmicr, after all, was not to blame, as he ouly de- 
 livered the opinims and fables received and believed by his contemporaries, which was all the 
 bufinefs and all the duty of a poet.
 
 i^o DIALOGUES of the DEAD. 
 
 ing; of how little fervice it muft be to murmur : we bear all in filence, aiid 
 complain not, left, defiring what you defire, like you, we Ihould only be- 
 come ridiculous. 
 
 DIALOGUE XV. 
 
 TERPSIONandPLUTO. 
 T E R P S I O N. 
 
 PLUTO, is this fair and equitable, that I Ihould die at thirty, and old 
 Thucritu^, who is above ninety, be alive flill ? 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 Moft fit it is, Terpfion, that he fliould live, who never wilhed for the 
 death of any of his friends ; whilft you laid wait for his, in hopes of his 
 
 eflate. 
 
 T E R P S I O N. 
 
 Ought not the old, who can no longer enjoy life, to die, and make room 
 
 for the young ? 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 You would make a new law, Terpfion, that all thofe who can no longer 
 
 enjoy their riches with pleafure, fhould depart : but fate and nature have 
 
 otherwife determined. 
 
 TERPSION. 
 
 It is a determination which I cannot approve : the oldeft, I think, fhould 
 die firft, and after him the next in feniority, and fo on ,• nor would I have 
 any old fellow abfurdly continue to live, who has but three teeth left in his 
 head, andean fcarce fee out of his blear eyes; who is forced to be fupport- 
 ed by his fervant, a kind of animated fepulchre, without any tafte for plea- 
 fure, and the mere laughing flock of youth : whilft, at the fame tiir-e, the 
 young, the beautiful, and the brave are fnatched away : it is the running 
 back of ftreams to their fountain head : at leaft one fhould know when old 
 fellows are to die, that one may not court them for nothing ; but now, as 
 the faying is, we often * put the cart before the horfe. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 
 Thefe things, Terpfion, are much better ordered than you feem to think 
 
 * Put the cart ^ l^c.'\ The original proverb, as quoted by Lucian, is, literally tranflated, 
 the cart oft£7i drags the oXy which approaches fo nearly to our own familiar adage, that I have 
 ventured to adopt it, though it is feldom applied in this fenfe. 
 
 they
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 151 
 
 they are : why (hould you gape after other people's eftates, and fawn upon 
 old men who have no children ? For this reafon you are defervedly laughed 
 at, when, indead of your burying them, they bury you; and, as you wifli 
 for THEIR deaths, all the world is glad of yours: Yoii inv^rtted thib new 
 art, this falling in love with old men and women, who have no children ; for 
 thofe who have children are never courted by you : fome of them, indeed, 
 whom you have neglccfted, feeing your defign, though they had children, 
 pretended to hate them, that they might draw you in to flatter them, and, 
 after all the prefents you had made them, cut you off in their wills : thus 
 nature prevailed, as Ihe ought, their own children poflefied 'the inheri- 
 tance, and you gnafhed your teeth with grief at the difappointment. 
 
 T E R P S I O N. 
 It is too true : what a deal of money have I loft by that Thucritus, who, 
 whenever I came in, pretended to be dying, fetched a deep figh, and 
 fqueaked like a chicken in the egg-fhell; and I, like a fool, thinking he was 
 juft ready to be put into his coffin, fent him prefent on prefent, for fear my 
 rivals Ihould excel me in generoiity : laid awake whole nights, counting my 
 riches and difpofing of them : the want of fleep, and uneafinefs I underwent 
 were, indeed, the caufe of my death, and the old fellow, when he had 
 fucked all he cou;d out of me, the day before yeflerday, when I was buried, 
 flood over my grave and laughed at me. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 Well done, Thucritus : long mayeft thou live, abounding in wealth, 
 and laughing at fuch fools as thefe ; nor mayeft thou die, till thou haft 
 fent all thy flatterers before thee ! 
 
 T E R P S I O N. 
 
 Pluto, if Chariades dies before Thucritus, I fliall be happy. 
 
 PLUTO. 
 Be of good cheer, Terpfion ; for Phido, and Melanthus, and all of them 
 will die before him, and of the fame diftemper as yourfelf. 
 
 T E R P S I O N. 
 
 1 am glad of that ; fo, long live Thucritus ! 
 
 D I A-
 
 15© DI A L O G U E S OF the DEAD. 
 
 DIALOGUE XVI. 
 
 MENIPPUS AND TANTALUS. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 TANTALUS, why ftandeft thou there by the lake fide, weeping and 
 
 lamenting (o ? 
 
 TANTALUS. 
 
 Becaufe, Menippus, I am perilhing with thirft. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Are you fo lazy that you cannot floop down and drink : by Jove, if I 
 were you, I would take fome in the palm of my hand. 
 
 TANTALUS. 
 It is to no purpofe to floop : for no fooner does the water find me approach- 
 ing, but immediately it runs away from me, or if I do catch a little, and 
 hold it up to my mouth, I cannot fo much as wet my lips with it, for, fome 
 how or other, it flips through my fingers, and leaves my hand as dry as 
 
 ever. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Indeed, Tantalus, your fufferings are of a very extraordinary nature. But 
 
 pray, inform me, why Ihould you drink at all ? you have no body ; that is 
 
 buried in Lydia, and can neither be hungry nor dry : and what bufinefs, 
 
 therefore, has a ghoft to drink ? 
 
 TANTALUS. 
 
 That very thing is my punifhment : my foul fuffers thirlt as much as 
 
 when it had a body. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 You are punifhed with thirft; fo far I believe you ; but what is there fo 
 
 dreadful in it ? Are you afraid of dying for want of drink ? After one death 
 
 there is no fear of another. 
 
 TANTALUS. 
 You fay right : but that is a principal part of my punifhment, to be de- 
 firous of drink, when there is no occafion for it. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Tantalus, you are abfolutely mad, and, by Jove, if you want any drink 
 
 it
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 153 
 
 it IS * Helleb:>re ; for, contrary to thofe who are bit by dogs, you have the 
 dread, not of water, but of third. 
 
 TANTALUS. 
 I would drink hellebore itfelf, if I could get it. 
 
 M E N I P P u S. 
 Be fatisfied, Tantalus : for neither you nor any of the dead muft drink ; 
 it is impoffible : they are not all of them, indeed, condemned to thirft 
 nor does the water expeft them, as it does you. 
 
 DIALOGUE XVI. 
 
 MINOS AND SOSTP. ATUS. 
 MINOS. 
 LET this ruffian, Soflratus, be caft into Phlegethon : and that facrilc- 
 gious fellow torn in pieces by the Chimera ; and, do you hear. Mercury, 
 chain down the tyrant along with Tityus, and let the vulturs gnaw his liver: 
 but go ye good and virtuous into the Elyfian Fields, inhabit the illands of 
 the bleffed, as a reward for your piety and virtue whilft upon earth. 
 
 SOSTRATUS. 
 Do but hear me firft, Minos, whether I am right or not. 
 
 MINOS. 
 What ! hear you again ? do not you ftand convidlcd already of being a 
 villain, and killing (o many people ? 
 
 SOSTRATUS. 
 Granted: but confider whether- my punifhment is juft, or not. 
 
 MINOS. 
 Moft certainly ; if every one Ihould have the reward which they deferve. 
 
 SOSTRATUS. 
 But pray, Minos, anlvver me one fhort queftion. 
 
 • HeUehore.'l A medicinal plant, conftantly alluded to In the writings of antiquity, as a grand 
 fpecificagainft melancholy, folly, madnefs, and all the dilbrders of the mind. There are two 
 forts, the black, which we call the Chrillmas-rofe, and the white, called neefe-wort. The 
 ifland of Anticyra, fituate againll mount Oeta, was famous for the growth of this plant, whence 
 fprung the proverbial faying, ot vavigct Atr.kyram^ fend him a voyage to Anticyra. Amongft 
 the moderns, It has, fome how or other, lofl all its wonderful efficacy, and is very fcldom ufed 
 amongft us. 
 
 Vol. I. X M I-
 
 154 D I A L O G U E S OF the DEAD. 
 
 MINOS. 
 Afk it; but be brief, that I may have time to try fome other caufes. 
 
 SOSTRATUS. 
 Whatever I did, whilft upon earth, did I do it of my own accord, or 
 was I compelled to it by * fate ? 
 
 MINOS. 
 
 By fate : no doubt of it. 
 
 SOSTRATUS. 
 
 And, in obedience to that, do we not all aft; thofe who are called 
 
 good, and we who feem to do evil ? 
 
 MINOS. 
 
 Moft certainly ; as Clotho enjoins them, who pre-ordains what every man 
 
 Ihall do, from the moment of his birth. 
 
 SOSTRATUS. 
 
 If a man, therefore, kills another, being obliged to it by one whom he 
 
 dare not difobey ; a hangman, for inflance, by command of the judge, or 
 
 an officer, by order of the king, who is guilty of the murther ? 
 
 MINOS. 
 
 The judge, or the king, undoubtedly : it cannot be the fword, which is 
 
 no more than an inftrument to fulfill the defire of him who direds the ufe 
 
 of it. 
 
 SOSTRATUS. 
 
 Excellent Minos : thus, in fupport of my axiom, to add a corollary ; 
 again, if any one, fent by his matter, brings me gold or filver, who am I 
 to thank for it, to whom am I indebted for the favour ? 
 
 MINOS. 
 To him who fent it : the man who brought was only agent to the other, 
 
 SOSTRATUS. 
 Do not you perceive, therefore, how unjufl it is to punifh me, who was 
 only an inftrument employed to do thofe things which Clotho had command- 
 ed, and to reward thofe who only adminiftered the good imparted to them 
 
 • By fate.'] The do6lnne held by many of the ancient phllofophers, concerning fate, or ne-. 
 cefiity, was (like predertination in modern times), the perpetual caule of icepticifm in the hea- 
 then world, and afforded at the fame time an ample fubjccfi: for ridicule to the latirilis :nid poets : 
 confequently a favourite fubjedl; with Lucian, who takes frequent opportunities of laughing at 
 the folly and abfurdity of it. 
 
 by
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 155 
 
 by others ? you can never fay it was poffible to adt in oppofition to the 
 
 di(5tates of neceflity. 
 
 MINOS. 
 
 On a diligent enquiry, Softratus, you will find out many things of this 
 
 kind not eafily to be accounted for; and all you can gain by your difco- 
 
 veries will be, to the title of thief, to add that of fophift alfo : however, 
 
 let him go, Mercury, without any farther punifhment; but take care you 
 
 do not teach other ghofls to afk the fame queftions. 
 
 DIALOGUE XVII. 
 
 DIOGENES AND POLLUX. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 POLLUX, I charge you, when you return to the other world, for I think 
 you are to come to life again to-morrow, if you fee Menippus the Cynic 
 (you will find him, probably, either in the Craneum at Corinth, or the Ly- 
 cceum, laughing at the philofophers quarrels with one another), fpeak thus to 
 him : Diogenes commands you, O Menippus, when you have laughed 
 your fill at things upon earth, that you would come down and laugh flili 
 more at things below ; there it may be a doubt whether you ihould laugh or 
 not, and it is a common faying amongfl you, '' Who knows what is to come 
 hereafter ?" But here you will laugh for ever, as I do : efpecially when you 
 fee the rich and great, kings and nobles, funk into fuch meanncfs and ob- 
 fcurity, and only difiinguiihed by fuperior mifery. Tell him how poor and 
 contemptible they feem, in comparifon to what they were above, when they 
 recoUedt their former flate : tell him, at the fame time, to fill his bag with 
 lupines, or, if he can pickup -^ Hecate's fupper in the highway, or an egg 
 left at a facrificc, or any thing of that kind, to bring it with him. 
 
 POLLUX. 
 
 Diogenes, I will tell him what you defire me ; but how fliall I know him ? 
 What fort of a face has he ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 He is an old fellow, with a bald pate, in a tattered garment, full of holes, 
 and open to every wind, and patched up with rags of different colours : he is 
 always laughing, and remarkably fevere upon the proud philofophers. 
 
 • Hccatis /upper.] For an account of this, fee note, p. 142. 
 
 X 2 POL-
 
 156 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 
 
 POLLUX. 
 By thefe tokens I fhall eafily diftingulfh him. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Shall I give you any commands for thole philofophers ? 
 
 POLLUX 
 If you pleafe ; I fhall execute them with pleafure. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Tell them, once for all, to leave off playing the fool, quarrelling about 
 the formation of the world, giving one another ^ horns, and making f cro- 
 codiles : let them no longer teach the mind to exercife itfelf in luch trifles. 
 
 POLLUX. 
 But they will call me an ignorant and illiterate blockhead, for pretending 
 'to find fault with their dodrines. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 But do you tell them from me, they ought to lament their own ignorance. 
 
 POLLUX. 
 Diogenes, this alfo I fhall acquaint them with. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 And now, my dear little Pollux, in my name thus fhall you accofl the 
 
 rich : Why, ye empty creatures, do ye hoard up your gold, why torment 
 
 yourfelves, why put your money out to ufury, and heap talent upon talent; 
 
 when in the fhades, where you foon mufl come, one obolus will fuffice you ? 
 
 POLLUX. 
 
 I will do it. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 A word likewife, to thofe who boafl of their flrength or beauty ; Megll- 
 
 lus, for inflance, the Corinthian, and Damoxenus, the wreftler ; tell them 
 
 • Hor»s.] This alludes to a ridiculous kind of fyllogifm, much in fafhion amongft the Stoic 
 philofophers, who ufed to fay, *' Quod nou amififtl, habes : cornua non amififti ergo cornua 
 habes :" what thou hall: not loft, thou haft; thou haft not loft thy horns, ergo, thou haft horns. 
 The critics tell us, that by horns here, as amongft us, was meant the very ancient practice of 
 cuckoldom, and, in fupport of their opinion, quote the following paflage from Artemidorus : 
 'Ot» v5 yvy^ crov Ttapivan, km to AEFOMENON, KEPATA «t^Tw IIOIHSEI. Onirocrit. lib. 2. cap. xi. 
 
 ■\ Crocodiles.'] Another kind ot enigmatical fophifm, practifed by the fmall wits of the age. 
 A crocodile, faid they, promifed to reftore a child he had ftolen, if a perfon would give him a 
 true anfwcr to a queftion he would afk, and the queftion itfelf was, whether he Ihould reftore 
 the child or not ? — This was fomething like arguing in a circle. Quintillian, in alluiion to this, 
 talks of ceratinos & crocodilinas ambiguitates. See Lucian's Sale of Philofophers, 
 
 we
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. ,57 
 
 we have no yellow hair here, no blue or bl -ck eyes, no --ory complexions, 
 no well ftrung m-r.-es, nrLra.vny Oioulders, but ali one heap of duft, as they 
 fay, and fculis without hair or be ai y. 
 
 POLLUX. 
 
 This meffage, alfo, fhall I moi> willingly deliver. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 Mort^over, my little Spartan, you muft tell the poor (for many of them 
 are unhappy, and lament their poverty), that they fhould not cry and take 
 on : inform them of the equality that reigns amongfl us, and that hereafter 
 they fhall fee thofc who were fo much richer on earth, when they come here 
 juft as poor as themfelves ; and withal, if you pleafe, you may tell your 
 countrymen, the * Lacedsemonians, from me, that they are fadly degene- 
 rated. 
 
 POLLUX. 
 
 No meffage for the Lacedaemonians, I befeech you, Diogenes; for I will 
 not carry it : for the reft you may depend on me. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 We will omit it then, if you think proper : but remember my other com- 
 mands. 
 
 DIALOGUE XVIIL 
 
 DIOGENES AND ALEXANDER. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 WHAT ! Alexander here ! could he die like one of us ? 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 It is even fo, as you fee, Diogenes ; and where is the wonder that a mor- 
 tal man fhould die ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 Did Ammon lie, then, when he called you his fon ; and are you really^ 
 fprung from Philip ? 
 
 • LaceJamonians.^ From being remarkable for the purity and feverlty of their manners the 
 Lacedaemonians became, in procefs of time, the moft luxurious and abandoned people. Pol- 
 lux, however, did not chiife to tell them fo. A temple, we are told, had been ereded to him; 
 in Laconia. He was a god of honour, and would not be reproached with that worll of all vices», 
 ingratitude. 
 
 ALEX.
 
 153 DIALOGUES OF THE DEAD. 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 From Philip, mofl undoubtedly : for had I been the fon of Ammon, I 
 
 had not died. ' ^ ^ vt t^ o 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 Something was whifpered too about Olympias, that ihe kept company 
 with a Dragon, who was fcen in bed with her, that you were the fruit of their 
 amours, and Philip deceived, who only imag'ned himfelf to be your father, 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 I have heard of this as well as you ; and now I perceive, that neither my 
 mother, nor the prophets of Ammon, fpoke one word of truth. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 The tale, however, was not unferviceable to you in carrying on your af- 
 fairs ; for many, believing you to be a god, feared you as fuch : but pray, 
 inform me, to whom you have left your empire ? 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 Indeed, Diogenes, I know not : my death was fo fudden, that I had not 
 time to determine any thing concerning it, except that, when I was dying, 
 I gave my ring to Perdiccas. What makes you fmile ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 I fmile to think hov/ the Grecians behaved when they gave you the em- 
 pire, how they chofe you their general againft the Barbarians, flattered and 
 adored you ; fome of them were for adding you to the twelve deities, build- 
 ing temples for, and worfhipping you as the offspring of the Dragon. But, 
 tell me, where did the Macedonians bury you ? 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 For thefe three days pail: I have lain in Babylon ; but Ptolorriseus, one of 
 my officers, has promifed, when affairs are a little quiet, and he is at lei- 
 fure, to carry me to JEgypt, and bury me there, that I may be made an 
 
 Egyptian god. 
 
 ^ DIOGENES. 
 
 Can I help laughing, Alexander, to fee you ridiculous even after death, 
 
 and hoping to be an Ofiris or Anubis ? But, pray, my mod divine 
 
 friend, lay afide your hopes : no one who has ever pafled the lake, and def- 
 
 cended into the mouth of Tartarus, muft ever think of returning: ^acus 
 
 is not fo carelefs, nor Cerberus fo contemptible. But I Ihould be glad to 
 
 know how you feel on the remembrance of paft felicity, when you recoUcA 
 
 your guards, your fatraps, and your treafures, the people that adored you 
 
 at
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 159 
 
 at Badtria, and u Ijaoylon, your honours and dignities, when you fhone fo 
 conrpicuou<5, when you we c ca ried by immenfe wild bca'ls, crowned vvirh 
 garlands, and cloarheti in jiurple; does not the remembrance of thefe things 
 torment you ? — Ha ! fool doft thou weej) ? D-d not your wife Ariftotle 
 teach you to have no dependence on rhc gifts of Fortune ? 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 Call you him wife? tha: baieit of all flatterers ! I kno'v him well, know 
 
 how much he folicited, how mu^h he wrote to me, how he ahafed my love 
 
 of fcience, and defire of knowlege; how he complimented and flateied me; 
 
 fometimes on my beauty, as if that was a fpecics of perfection ; fomctimes on 
 
 my adlions, and fometimes on my riches, for thofe aTo he looked on as a 
 
 real good, probably the better to excufe h's own dLfire of them. Diogenes 
 
 he was an artful and d. figning man, and all the fru'ts I reap from his wif- 
 
 dom, is, to be tormented now about thofe enjoyments which you juft now 
 
 mentioned. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 What is to be done then ? Shall I point you out a remedy for this difeafe ? 
 
 as we have no hellebore growing here, take, as faft as you can, the waters 
 
 of Lethe; drink, and drink again; Aiiftotle's good things will then no 
 
 longer difguft you : but I fee Clytus, and Callifthenes, and feveral more 
 
 who are ready to fall upon, and tear you in j)ieces, for the injuries they 
 
 have received from : you therefore, go into another path, and remember 
 
 what I told you ; drink awa}'. 
 
 DIALOGUE XIX. 
 
 ALEXANDER, HANNIBAL, S C I P I O, and MINOS, 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 LIBYAN, I tell thee I ought to have the precedency, being the greater 
 
 man. 
 
 HANNIBAL. 
 That I deny. 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 I appeal to Minost 
 
 MINOS. 
 Who are ye ? 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 This is Hannibal of Carthage; I am Alexander, the fon of Philip. 
 
 MINOS.
 
 i£o DIALOGUES of the DEAD. 
 
 M I N O S. 
 By Jove, two illuflrious men ! but what are you quarrelling about ? 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 Precedency : he affirms that he was a * greater general than I ; and I, on 
 the other hand, affert, what every body knows, that I was a better foldier, 
 not only than him, but than any that ever appeared before me. 
 
 MINOS. 
 Let each plead his own caufe : do you Hannibal, begin. 
 
 HANNIBAL. 
 One thing, Minos, I am very glad of, which is, that I learned the 
 -f Greek language ; in that, at leaft, he is not my fuperior : but, moreover, 
 thofc are, in my opinion, moll worthy of praife, v ho, from being nothing, 
 have turned out great men, and raifed themfelves to power and empire by 
 their own merit. When I firfl attacked Iberia, with a very fmall army, and 
 fouo-ht under my brother, I received the greateft honours, and was confider- 
 ed as a hero. I took the Celtiberians, and conquered Hefperia; climbed up 
 vaft mountains, run over all Eridanus, laid wafte a number of cities, and 
 fubdued all the flat country of Italy, even up to the walls of the great city. 
 I flew fo many men in one da}^, that I meafured out their J rings by the 
 bufliel, and made bridges over the river with their carcafes ; and all this I 
 did, without calling myfelf the fon of Amnion, or pretending to be -a god, 
 or telling my mother's dreams : I acknowleged myfelf a mere mortal, 
 fought againft the molt experienced generals, and the braveft foldiers ; did 
 not attack Medes and Armenians, fellows that run before any body purfues, 
 and yield the vidtory to the firft man that oppofes them. Alexander did, in- 
 deed, improve the empire left him by his father, and, by a lucky enterprize, 
 greatly extended it; but, after he had conquered the unfortunate Darius, at 
 Ifllis and Arbela, he degenerated from his father's virtues, and wanted to 
 
 * J greater general.'} This dialogue is founded on a paflage in Livy, lib. xxxv. cap. 14. 
 where he tells us. that Hannibal being afked by Scipio, whom he looked upon as the greateft 
 general, replied, Alexander the Great, next to him Pyrrhus, and thirdly himfelf; if, indeed, 
 added he, I had conquered Scipio, 1 fliould have placed myfelf firft of all.— Here Lucian makes 
 him retraft his former opinion, and claim the precedency. 
 
 f t/je Greek language.] Aliquot ejus libri, (fays Corn. Nepos, fpeaking of Hannibal) funt 
 jGrasco fermone confe6ti. 
 
 I Rings.] Livy faysjexplefle tres modios fuperDimidium. Florus tells us, modios duosannuloruni 
 Carthaginem elfe miffos. Lucian gives us an indefinite number, as more fuitable to his pur- 
 pofe. Every account is, perhaps, rather hyperbolical. 
 
 be
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. i6i 
 
 be adored ; fell into the luxury and effemliTacy of the Medes, flew his own 
 
 friends at feafts, and afTociared with murtherers and afl'aflins. I, on the 
 
 other hand, ruled my country with equity, and when (he called me to her 
 
 aid, againft a mighty fleet fent out to invade her, I obeyed with chearful- 
 
 nefs, reduced myfelf to a private man, and, though condemned unjuftly, 
 
 bore it with patience and refignation : this I did, (hough a * Barbarian, 
 
 who had never learned Homer, as he had, nor boafted of the Sophift Arift- 
 
 totie for my mafter, but took nature only for my guide ; therefore do I ef- 
 
 teem myfelf fuperior to Alexander. He may, indeed, claim precedency, 
 
 becaufe his head is circled with a diadem ; in Macedon, perhaps, this may 
 
 gain him reverence, but furely he is not on that account to be preferred to a 
 
 noble and diftinguifhed general, who owed his rife not to fortune but to 
 
 condud:. 
 
 M I N O S. 
 
 Spoken with ftrength and fpirit, fuch as one would little have expeded 
 from a Barbarian. Alexander, what anfwercanft thou make to him ? 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 So impudent a boa fter as this deferves none : to fame alone I might leave 
 it to diftinguifh between a monarch and a Have ; but judge whether I 
 am not far fuperior to him ; I, who, even when a boy, took pofTeffion of a 
 divided kingdom, re-eftablilhed peace, revenged myfelf on my father's 
 murtherers, and intimidated Greece b\ the fubverfion of Thebes. Eleded 
 generaliflimo, by the univerfal fuffrage, I fcorned to fit down in Macedon, 
 contented with the kingdom left me by my father, but grafped the whole 
 world in idea ; and, thirfting after univerfal empire, with a fmall force in- 
 vaded Afia, conquered nobly at the Granicus, took Lydia, Phrygia, and 
 Ionia, and at length fubduing every thing that oppofed me, came to Iffus, 
 where Darius with an innumerable army waited for me ; from thence how 
 many I fent to the fhadcs, you, O Minos, can beft teftify ; Charon will tell 
 you, his boat could not hold them, and he was obliged to bring them over 
 in rafters made on purpofe; this I did at the perpetual hazard of my life, 
 fearlefs of wounds or danger. To pafs over what I performed at Tyre and 
 Arbela, I pierced even to India, and made the ocean alone the limits of my 
 empire; I took their elephants, and led Porus captive. I pafled the Tanais, 
 
 * A Barhartan,'\ Ergo humanitatls dulcedo etiam in efferata Barharomm iogenia pcnetrat— 
 fays Valerius Maximus, fpeaking of Hannibal's tendemefi and humanity. 
 
 Vol. I. Y and,
 
 i62 DIALOGUES of the DEAD. 
 
 and, with a vaft- bod)^ of horfe, overcame the warlike Scythians. I defended 
 myfelf from my enemies, and endeared myfelf to my friends by ads of be- 
 neficence. If men miftook me for a deity, they might well be forgiven, as 
 they were, induced by the greatnefs of my acftions, to believe me fuch. 
 Laflly, 1 died a king, death feized me on the throne; but he perifhed an 
 exile at Bithynus, the fate which fuch a cruel and worthlefs wretch deferved. 
 How he conquered Italy I will not fay; not by bravery, but by fraud, cun- 
 ning, and chicanery, never mindful of juftice, opennefs, or integrity. 
 When he reproached me with luxury, he forgot his own behaviour at Ca- 
 pua, where, abandoned to harlots, he loll all the fruits of his vidlories in 
 the purfuit of pleafure. But what of great or noble fhould I have done, 
 had I not contemned my weftern conquefls, and turned towards the Eaft ? I 
 might have taken Italy without bloodlhed, and Libya, and brought the 
 whole earth, even unto Gades, under my dominion, with the greatell eafe : 
 but r thought it not worth my care, to reduce kingdoms, which already 
 trembled at my power, and acknowleged me for their mafter. Minos, I 
 have given thefe few out of many reafons that might be brought here before 
 you ; judge, and determine. 
 
 S C I P I o. 
 
 Not before you have heard me alfo. 
 
 MINOS. 
 
 My good friend, who are you, whence come you, and what have you to 
 
 fay ? 
 
 S C I P I o. 
 
 I am Scipio, the Roman general, who deftroyed Carthage, and conquer- 
 ed the Africans in feveral battles. 
 
 MINOS. 
 
 And what of that ? 
 
 SCIPIO. 
 
 I acknowlege myfelf inferior to Alexander, but think I Ihould take place 
 of Hannibal, whom I purfued, overcame, and put to ignominious flight : 
 how dares he to contend with Alexander, when I, who conquered him, pre- 
 tend not to it ? 
 
 MINOS. 
 
 By Jove, Scipio, you are in the right; wherefore let Alexander have the 
 precedency ; you fhall be fecond, and Hannibal, if you pleafe, who is no 
 contemptible character, come in, third. 
 
 D I A-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 163 
 
 DIALOGUE XXI. 
 
 MENIPPUS, iEACUS, PYTHAGORAS, EMPEDOCLES, 
 
 AND SOCRATES. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 NOW, ^acus, by Pluto, I befeech jou, lead me all round, and (hew 
 me every thing worth feeing here below, 
 
 M A C V S. 
 That cannot eafily be done, Menippus; but the moft confiderable are as 
 follows : this is Cerberus ; to Charon, who brought you over, you arc no 
 ftranger ; Pyriphlegethon, and the great lake, you faw as you came in. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Thefe I know already, and you, who guard the entrance ; I had a fight 
 alfo of Pluto and the Furies : but (hew me your old heroes, thofe who made 
 the grearefl figure in the world, 
 
 iE A C U S. 
 
 Yonder is Agamemon, the other Achilles, he who fits next to them is 
 
 Idomeneusi then comes Ulyfles, after him Ajax, Diomede, and feveral 
 
 other famous Grecians. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Alas poor Homer ! how the glorious fubjecfts of thy rhapfodies lie fcatter- 
 
 ed upon the ground, without form or beauty, mere duft and aflies, with 
 
 very "^ poor heads, trifles now of no value or duration : but who is this ? 
 
 ^ A C U S. 
 Cyrus ; and here comes CrafTus, next to him is Sardanapalus, behind 
 them is Midas, and that is Xerxes. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Thou too, impious wretch, wcrt once the terror of Greece, pretending to 
 fail through mountains, and building bridges over the Hellefpont ; and what 
 a figure is that CrafTus now ! but pray, iEacus, let me give that Sardana- 
 palus a box. 
 
 ^ A C U S. 
 
 By no means, you would crack that foft effeminate (kull of his. 
 
 • Poor heads.'] Alluding to that expreffion of Homer in the Odyfley, 
 HiKvut en*.it%vx KXfrju, 
 
 y 2 ivi E-
 
 164 DIALOGUES OFTHE DEAD. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 Then I will e'en fpit upon the * Hermaphrodite. 
 
 -ffi A C U S. 
 Shall I Ihew you fome of our philofophers ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 By Jove, I wilh you would. 
 
 ^ A C U S, 
 Firft of all, then, there is Pythagoras. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Hail, Euphorbus, Apollo, or by whatever name you chufe to be called. 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 Hail to thee, Menippus. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Have you got your f golden thigh yet? 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 No : what have you got to eat in your little bag there ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Nothing but beans, my friend, which you muft not eat. 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 Give me fome, the laws of the other world do not bind us here below : I 
 have learned, fmce I came hither, that there is no refemblance between 
 beans, and the fource of generation. 
 
 iE A C U S. 
 Befides thefe, there is Solon, the fon of Execeftida, Thales, Pittacus, and 
 the reft of them, all feven, as you fee, together. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Thefe, and thefe alone, feem to be chearful and happy : but who is this 
 fellow, covered with aflies, and full of blifters, like an over-baked loaf? 
 
 * Hermaphrodite.'] kt\uyvw^ half man, half woman : no improper appellation for the effemi- 
 nate Sardanapalus. 
 
 f Golden thigh.l D. Laertius tells us, that Pythagoras had fo noble an appearance, that his 
 difciples looked upon him as a god, and called him the Hyperborean Apollo. The philofo- 
 pher availed himfelf of their prejudices, and told them that he had a golden thigh, which, wc 
 aie told, he fliewed feveral times to Abarls the prieft of Apollo : in thofe times the ipfe dixit of 
 the mailer was fufhcient ; they took his word, and were not fo unreafoaable as to aft for the 
 ocular proof. 
 
 ^ A C U S.
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 165 
 
 iE A C U S. 
 
 O, that IS Empedocles, juft arrived, half roafted, from mount uEtna. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Good brazen-foor, what could induce thee to leap into the mouth of a 
 
 furnace ? 
 
 ^ A C U S. 
 
 A kind of melancholy madnefs, Menippus. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Aye, by Jove, the madnefs of pride, affedtation, and vain glory ; this 
 confumed you and your flippers together : the trick, after all, was of little 
 fervice to you, for you were feen after death : but where is Socrates ? 
 
 ^ A C U S. 
 He is generally diverting himfelf with Neftor and Palamedes. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 If he was hereabouts, I Ihould be glad to fee him. 
 
 ^ A C U S. 
 You fee him with the bald pate there ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 They are all fo, that is no diftindtion. 
 
 ^ A C U S. 
 I mean him with the flat nofe. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 I fhall never know him by that neither, for they all have it. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 Menippus, did you afk for me ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Yes, Socrates. » r^. r- c 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 How go affairs at Athens now ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 The young men are all turned philofophers ; and, indeed, if you look at 
 their gait and apparel only, you would take them for firft-rate ones : but 
 you fee what Ariftippus is, now he is come amongft you, and Plato 
 himfelf, one fmelling of perfumes, and the other a * flatterer of Sicilim 
 
 tyrants. 
 
 • Jf.attercr.'] See Cornelius Nepos in Dione, 
 
 S O-
 
 i66 D I A L O G U E S OF the D E AD, 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 But what do they think of me ? 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 You are a happ}^ man, Socrates; they all efleem you as the mofl excel- 
 lent of mortals, and aver that you knew every thing, when, in reality (for 
 here we muft fpeak truth), you knew nothing. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 I told themfo myfelf, but they thought it was afFeftatlon. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Who are thofe {landing round about you ? 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 Charmides, and Phsedrus, and Alcibiades. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Well done, Socrates, you pra(ftife your old employment here I find, and 
 love a pretty fellow flill. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 What can I do better r come and fit down with us. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 By Jove, not I ; I muft go to Crafllis and Sardanapalus, their weeping 
 and lamentations will afford me no fmall diverfon. 
 
 yE A C U S. 
 I muft be gone too, and fee that none of our dead men fteal away from 
 us. Menippus, you Ihall fee more another time. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 ^acus, you may go if you pleafe : for the prefent, this will fuffice. _ 
 
 D I A-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 1^7 
 
 DIALOGUE XXir. 
 
 CHARON, fevefalDead Men, MERCURY, MENIPPUS, CHARMOLEUS, 
 LAMPICHUS, DAM ASIA S, CRATES, a Philofopher, and Rhetorician. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 LOOK ye, gentlemen, thus affairs ftand : we have but a fmall boat, as 
 
 you fee, and that half rotten, and leaky in many places, if vou lean it on 
 
 one fide or other, we overfet, and go to the bottom ; and yet fo many of 
 
 you will prefs in, and every one carrying his baggage with him ; if you do 
 
 not leave it behind, I am afraid you will repent it, efpecially thofe who 
 
 cannot fwim. 
 
 DEAD MEN. 
 
 What muft we do to get fafe over ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 I will tell you ; you muft get in naked, and leave all your fuperflulties on 
 fhore, and even then my boat will fcarce be able to carry you : you. Mer- 
 cury, muft take care, and let none come in, but thofe who are ftark naked, 
 and have left all their trumpery behind them ; ftand at the head of the boat, 
 and make them drip before they come on board. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Right, Charon, fo I will : who is this firft ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Menippus : I have thrown my pouch and my Half in before me, my coat 
 I did right to leave behind me. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 My honeft friend, Menippus, come in, take you the firft feat at the helm, 
 near the pilot, and obferve who comes : but who is this pretty fellow ? 
 CHARMOLEUS. 
 I am the handfome Charmolcus, of M^gara ; a kifs of me fold for two 
 
 talents. 
 
 IM E R C U R Y. 
 
 Plcafe to part with your beauty, your ponderous head of hair, your fweet 
 kiffing lips, rofy cheeks, and fine ikin. It is well ; you are fit to come in, 
 and may now enter : but here comes a fierce fellow, cloathed in purple, 
 wiih a diadem on his head. Who are you ? 
 
 L A M-
 
 i68 DIALOGUES op the DEAD. 
 
 LAMPICHUS. 
 Lampichus, kingof the Geloans. • 
 
 MERCURY. 
 What is all that baggage for, you have brought with you > 
 
 LAMPICHUS. 
 Was it fitting that a king (hould come without any thing ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 A. king iliould not, but a dead man ihould ; therefore down with them. 
 
 LAMPICHUS. 
 There ; I have thrown away all my riches. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Throw away your pride and oftentation alfo, for if you bring them with 
 you you will fink the boat. 
 
 LAMPICHUS. 
 At leaft let me keep my diadem and my cloak. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 By no means : off with them immediately. 
 
 LAMPICHUS. 
 Be it fo : now I have thrown off every thing; what more mud I part 
 
 with ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Your cruelty, your folly, your infolence, and your anger. 
 
 LAMPICHUS. 
 
 Now I am (lark naked. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Come in then ; and who are you fo fat and fle(hy ? 
 
 D A M A S I A S. v:4.i 
 
 Damafias, the wreftler. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 You are fo : I have feen you often in the Palasftra. 
 
 D A M A S I A S. 
 You have ; I am naked, you fee, and therefore may come in. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 You cannot call yourfelf naked, my good friend, with all that load of 
 flclh about you j therefore, away with it; for, as fure as you put your other 
 foot in, you will fink the boat : but you muft throw away your crown and 
 your garlands too. 
 
 D A^
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 
 
 1^9 
 
 D A M A S I A S. 
 
 Now, you fee, I am thoroughly ftripped, and of the ame fizc with my 
 brother Ihadcs here. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 How light and eafy you are now ! come along. You, Crates, too, muft 
 lay afide your riches, your luxury, and effeminacy ; nor muft you bring the 
 epitaphs made upon you, nor your glory, nor your genealogy, nor the di^r. 
 nity of your anceflors; neither muft we have the public praifcs of the city 
 you fo highly obliged, nor the infcriptions on your ftatue, nor the pompous 
 fepulchre eredied for you : even fo much as the recolledtion of thcfe things 
 is enough to weigh the boat down. 
 
 CRATES. 
 If I muft, I muft : what is to be done ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 What do you do with armour, and what are thcfe trophies for ? 
 
 CRATES. 
 
 Bccaufe, Mercury, I am a conqueror, and have done noble deeds, there- 
 fore did the city reward me with rhefe honours. 
 
 M E R C U R Y. 
 
 Leave your trophies on earth : here below we have always peace, and 
 
 arms are of no ufe. But who is this, In that grave and folemn habit, fo proud 
 
 and haughty, wrapt in meditation, with a long beard, and contrafted 
 
 brow ? 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 Some philofopher, I warrant you, feme juggler, full of portents and 
 prodigies : ftrip him by all means, you will find fomething purely ridicul- 
 ous under that cloak of his. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Firft, then, off with that habit, and then everything elfc. O Jupiicr, 
 what ignorance, impudence, and vain-glory ! what a heap of ambiguous 
 (jueftions, knotty difputes, and perplexed thoughts does he carry about 
 him! v\hata deal of fruitlefs diligence, folemn trifles, and fmall talk! 
 Away with your riches, your pleafures, your anger, your luxury, your effe- 
 minacy, for I fee it all, though you endeavour to conceal it; your faldiood, 
 pride, and high opinion, which you have of yourfclf : fliould you come with 
 all thefe, a five oared bark would not be fufficient to carry you. 
 
 Vol. I. Z p H I-
 
 170 DIALOGUES of the DEAD. 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 Your commands are obey'd, 1 have parted with them all. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 I befeech you. Mercury, let him leave that heavy fliaggy beard behind 
 too ; the hair of it is worth five minze at leaft. 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 Who will cut it off for me ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Menippus (hall do it upon deck with the failors hatchet. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 No no. Mercury, give me the faw : that will be fomething more ridi- 
 culous. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 The hatchet will do : aye, now you have made him fomething more 
 human, by taking away his {linking goat's beard. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Shall I nip off a bit of his eye-brow ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 By all means ; for he flretches it out half over his forehead, for what rea- 
 fon, I know not. Ha ! what is the matter now > doff thou weep, wretch ? 
 art thou afraid of death ? come along, come. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 He has got fomething monftrous heavy yet under his arm. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 What is it, Menippus ? 
 
 MENIPPUS, 
 Flattery; which, whilft he lived, was of no fmall fervice to him. 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 Do you, Menippus, lay afide your infolence, your flippant tongue, your 
 mirth, your jefts, and ridicule : you are the only laugher amongft us. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 On no account, Menippus, part with them ; no, no : keep them by 
 all means, they are light and cafily carried ; befides, they may be ufeful in 
 the voyage : but do you, Mr. Orator, lay by thofe contradid:ions in terms, 
 your antithefcs, your laboured periods, hyperboles, barbarifms, and all 
 that weight of verbofity. 
 
 R H E-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 171 
 
 RHETORICIAN. 
 There, I have put them down. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 It is well: now cut your cable, let us weigh anchor, and hoift our fails. 
 Charon, mind the helm : away, let us be merry. What do ye cry for, ye 
 fools ? Imprimis, you, Mr. Philofopher, without the beard there ? 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Bc'caufe, Mercury, I thought the foul had been immortal. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 He lies : he grieves for another reafon. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 What ? 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 Becaufe he Ihall have no more grand fuppers ; becaufe he fliall not, as he 
 ufed, (leal out of an evening unperceived by any one, wrap his head up in 
 his cloak, take his rounds to all the bawdy-houfes, then give his lectures in 
 the morning, make the young men admire his wifdom, and take their money; 
 this is the caufe of his grief. 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And pray, Menippus, are not you forry that you are dead ! 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 Who I, that came hither as foon as I could, and ^ without calling : but 
 
 hark ! do not I hear a noife, as if fome mortals we left behind were making 
 
 a diQurbance? 
 
 M E R C U R Y. 
 
 They are fo, and in more places than one : fome are making thcmfelves 
 merry at the death of Lampfichus ; the women are got round his wife, and 
 the boys throwing ftones at his children : fome are hallooing Diophantus, 
 the rhetorician, for his funeral oration on Crates ; and there, by Jove, is 
 the mother of Damafias, crying and lamenting the lofs of her fon : but no- 
 body, Menippus, weeps for you : who alone fecm to reft in peace. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Never fear; you will foon fee the dogs barking after me, and the crows 
 (haking their wings, when they meet, tj bury mr. 
 
 * Without calUng.'\ Diogenes Lacrtius informs uf, that the philofopher Menippu» hung 
 himfelf. 
 
 Z 2 M E R-
 
 172 DIALOGUES OFTHE DEAD. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Well fald, Menippus ! But we are got over : go you the neareft way to the 
 feat of judo^nient : Charon and 1 muft go back and fetch fome more. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Mercury, a good voyage to you : let us proceed ; why do you halt ? judged 
 you muft all be, and heavy, they fay, the punifhments are; wheels, ftones, 
 and vultuvs. iivery man's life will be ftridtly enquired fn,to. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXIII. 
 
 DIOGENES, ANTISTHENES, CRATES, and a Poor Man. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 AS w'c have nothing elfe to do, Crates and Antifthenes, why fhould not 
 we take a walk towards the mouth of Tartarus, to fee who is coming down, 
 and how they behave. 
 
 ANTISTHENES. 
 
 Diogenes, with all my heart : it will be pleafant enough to obferve fome 
 of them crying, others begging to be let go, others coming down much 
 againft their will, and looking back, whilft Mercury llioves them on; they 
 fighting and ftruggling, and all to no purpofe. 
 
 CRATES. 
 
 I will tell you what I faw, as I came down myfelf. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 Pray tell us, Crates ; I am fure there mull be Ibmething laughable In it. 
 
 CRATES. 
 There were a great many of us, and amongft the principal pcrfonages, 
 the rich Ifmenodorus, our countryman, Arfaces, the Median governor, and 
 Oretes, the Armenian : Ifmenodorus, who was killed by robbers near mount 
 Clthsron, in his way to Eleufis, his hands ftill bloody from the v/ounds he 
 had received, wept bitterly for the young children he had left behind, and 
 blamed his own rafhnefs and folly, in taking only two fervants, when he was 
 to pafs over Cith^eron, and the defarts round about Eleuthera, fo often laid 
 wafte by continual wars, efpecially, as he had carried with him five golden 
 veflels, and four cups : but Arfaces, who was an old man, and, by Jove, 
 had a noble prefence, feemed, as is the manner of thofe Barbarians, ex- 
 tremely angry at being obliged to walk on foot, and ordered his horfe to be 
 
 brought
 
 DIALOGUES OFTHE DEAD. 173 
 
 brought to him ; for the horfe was killed with him, both of them being run 
 through by an armed Thracian, in the batrlc with the king of the Cap[)ado- 
 cians, at the river Araxes. Arfaccs, as he told us himfclf, rufhing with 
 great rapidity againfl: the encm)', had got a long way before his troops, 
 when the Thracian {looping down, and covering with his fhield, flruck the 
 fpear out of his hand, and thrufting his own javelin underneath, pierced 
 through him and his horfe at the fame time. 
 
 ANTISTHENES. 
 But how could that be done. Crates, at one ftroke? 
 
 CRATES. 
 
 Very eafily; Arfaces ran upon him with a ftaff twenty cubits lon^, but 
 the Thracian, when he had warded off the blow with his fhithl, and the 
 point was turned on one fide of him, falling on one knee, broke the force 
 of the intended ftroke, and wounded, run Arfaccs through ; the horfe, 
 from the rapidity of the purfuit, and rage together, fluck himfclf upon 
 the pike, and they were both pierced through with it : you fee, therefore, 
 it was not the man fo much as the horfe that was the caufe of it; he was 
 angry, therefore, that he and his horfe could not co;r,e down together. 
 Orates was only a ])rivate man, but with fuch foft feet that he could neither 
 fland nor go: this, indeed, is the misfortune of all the Mcdes, when they 
 get off their horfes, they can fcarce walk o' tiptoe, and that with the utmoft 
 dilFjculty, as if they were treading upon thorns : as he lay flat upon the 
 ground, therefore, and could not get up again, Mercury kindly took him 
 on his back, and carried him to the boat ; I could not help laughing at it. 
 
 ANTISTHENES. 
 For my part, when I came down, I never afTociated with any of them, 
 but, leaving them to their lamentations, ran to the boat, and got the bell 
 feat I could ; as we came over, fome cried, and others were fick, whilfl I 
 diverted myfelf with their folly. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Such were your companions ; for mine, I had B!epfias, the ufurer, from 
 Pirasus, Lampis, the Acharnenfian general of the allies, and Damis, the 
 rich Corinthian. The flatterer was poifoncd by his own fon, and the former 
 killed himfelf for the love of Myrtium the harlot. Bleijfias, it was reported, 
 {larved himfclf to death; he looked, indeed, cxccfiivcly pale, and was as 
 thin as pofTiblc. I afked them, though 1 knew before hand, how they all 
 
 ditd.
 
 174 DIALOGUES of the DEAD. 
 
 died ; and when Damis accufed his fon of poifoning him, you are rightly 
 ferved faid I, for though you were poffeiTed of a thoufand talents, and lived 
 luxurioufly yourfelf to ninety years of age, would allow a young man of 
 eighteen no more than four oboli. And you too, Damis (for he was weep- 
 ing and curfing his harlot), why doft thou blame love, and not rather thy- 
 felf ? you, who never was afraid of an enerr.y, but braved every danger, 
 and appeared firft in battle, to be fo enflaved by a vile flrumpct, with feign- 
 ed tears and fighs. As for Blepfias, he condemned his own folly, in keep- 
 ino- his riches for heirs, whom he knew nothing of; but he was foolifli 
 enough to think he fhould live for ever : in fhort, their forrows and com- 
 plaints afforded me no little diverfion. But we are come to the mouth of 
 Tartarus; here we mny look up and fee them coming a great way off: 
 what a heap of them there is ! and all in tears, except infants and children: 
 how the old men weep ! what charm attaches them fo to life ! I muft afk 
 this poor decrepid wretch : what dofl: weep for, friend, an old man as you 
 are ? Were you a king ? 
 
 P O O R M A N. 
 
 Not I. 
 
 A nobleman ? 
 No. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 POOR MAN. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 You were very rich, I fuppofe, and are grieved at leaving fo many good 
 
 things behind vou ? 
 
 POOR M A N. 
 
 No fuch thing : I was ninety years of age, and miferably poor, always 
 
 ufcd to get my bread by fifhing, had no children, and withal lame, and al- 
 
 moll blind. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 And in this condition, couldft thou defire to live ? 
 
 POOR MAN. 
 Yes : life is fweet, and death terrible. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Old man, thou raved; this is mere dotage : you, who are as old as Cha- 
 ron here, to be fuch a child ! and to no purpofe too ! What lliall we fay to 
 young men, when people at this age are fo fond of life; when, one would 
 think, they (hould wilh for death, as the only cure tor their infirmities. 
 But let us begone, kft by our wandering here, about the entrance into the 
 
 fhades.
 
 DIALOGUES oFTHE DEAD. 175 
 
 fhades, we ihould be fufpe(fled ourfelves of wantin^^ to make our efcape 
 from it. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXIV. 
 
 MENIPPUS, AMPHILOCHUS, and TROPHONIUS. 
 
 M E N I P r U S. 
 I Cannot imagine ho.v you, Trophonius and Amphilochus, now you 
 are dead, come to have temples erected to you, or why you are ftyled pro- 
 phets, and foolifh mortals take you both for divinities. 
 
 TROPHONIUS. 
 Is it our fault, if they miflake dead men for gods ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 But they would never have taken you for fuch, if you had not, whilfl yoi» 
 were alive, boafted of your miracles, as if you could have looked into fu- 
 turity, and pretended to tell them what was to happen hereafcer. 
 
 TROPHONIUS. 
 
 Let Amphilochus anfwer for himfelf : as for me, I am a hero, and al- 
 ways prophecy when any body comes down to confult me. But, I fuppofe, 
 you have never been at Libadia, or you would not have been fo hard of be- 
 lief about thcfe things. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 What ! becaufe I have never been there, never came cloathed in a linen 
 garment, and creeping through a narrow hole into a cave, and {landing, like 
 a fool, with a cake in my hand ; for that, could not I difcover that you are 
 as dead as we are, and all the difference lies in your being better able to de- 
 ceive : but now, by your art of prophefying, tell me, what is a h-ero ? for 
 I really do not know. 
 
 TROPHONIUS. 
 Something, between a man and a god. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Which, you mean, is neither man nor god, but both together : pray, 
 where is that half of you, which belongs to the god, retired to at prefent ? 
 
 T R O.
 
 176 DIALOGUES oft he LEAD. 
 
 TROPHONIUS. 
 * Delivering oracles in Boeotia. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 Trophonius, I cannot poffibly underftand you : all I know is, that I fee 
 you, and every part of you, now dead before me. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXV. 
 
 ALEXANDER and PHILIP. 
 
 PHILIP. 
 
 NOW, Alexander, I fuppofe you will own yourfelf my fon ; for if you 
 
 had been Jupiter Ammon's, you would not have died. 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 Indeed, father, I always knew well enough that I was the fon of Philip, 
 
 who was the fon of Amyntas ; but I laid hold on the oracle in my favour, 
 
 as I thought it might be ferviceable to my defigns. 
 
 PHILIP. 
 
 What fervice could it be to you, to expofe yourfelf to the idle tales of 
 
 flatterers ? 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 None; but it intimidated the Barbarians; my forces were irrefiflible, 
 
 when they imagined they fought againft a god, and 1 fubdued them with 
 
 much lefs difficulty. 
 
 PHILIP. 
 
 Whom did you ever conquer, that was worth conquering ? you, who 
 
 * Dfllverintr oracles.] Trophonlir, the principal figure in this little pi(5lure of Lucian's (for 
 of Amphilochus we can pick up fcarce any thing), was an oracle-monger of confiderable note in 
 the heathen world. According to the beft accounts, he was the fon of Erginus, king of Orcho- 
 menus, and built the temple of Apollo, at Delphos, a fervice which the god rewarded in a 
 verv extraordinary manner: for, eight days after the completion of the edifice, the earth open- 
 ed and fwallowed him up. Apollo, however, had not forgot him, for, being applied to fome 
 years after, by the Boeotians, to give his advice concerning the beft means of getting rid of a 
 ' famine, he would not anfwer himfelf, but fent the petitioners to the tomb oi' Trophonius, from 
 whence an oracle was delivered that freed them from their calamity ; in confequence of which 
 they creeled a magnificent temple to him, and the oracle of Trophonius was trom that time 
 univerfally reforted to, and continued longer than any other in Greece. It may truly be faid 
 of this great prophet, that he niade no figure in life till alter he was dead. Paufanias, it is re- 
 markable, whofe works are ftill extant, confulted himfelf the oracle of Trophonius, and has 
 left us a full and elaborate defcriptlon of it, to which I refer my readers. The cave ot Tro- 
 phonius has furniftied Mr. Addlfon with materials for an excellent paper. See Spedator, N" 
 
 599- 
 
 never
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 177 
 
 never fought with any but cowards, who defended themfelves with little 
 
 bows, Ihort bucklers, and ftiields made of ofier ? to conquer Grecians, Bcc- 
 
 otians, Athenians, Phocians, the Arcadian foot, the Theffaiian horfe, the 
 
 Elean fpearmen, the ftrong-fliielded Mantineans ; to fubdue Thracians, 
 
 Illyrians, and Psonians, thcfe, indeed were noble vidories : do not you 
 
 know, that before your time, Clearchus, with ten thoufand men, routed 
 
 the Medes, Perfians, and Chaldseans, a delicate army, all over gold, who 
 
 would not let the enemy come too near, but fled before a dart was thrown 
 
 again ft them ? 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 But the Scythians, my dear father, and the Indians, with their elephants, 
 furely they were no contemptible conquefts. Befides, I did not fubdue 
 them by raifing up diflenfions amongft themfelves, nor did I owe my vic- 
 tories to bribes, treachery, and corruption ; neither did I ever fcrfwear mv- 
 felf, or break my word, or pawai my faith for them : add to this, that I took 
 many of the Grecians without bloodfhed : you have heard, I fuppole, how 
 
 I attacked the Thebans. 
 
 PHILIP. 
 
 All that I know from Clytus, whom you flew at the banquet, becaufe, in 
 recounting our feveral adtions, he was bold enough to fpeak in praife of me ; 
 whilft you, laying afide your own drefs, put on the Perfian robe, wore a 
 tiara, and expedted mean adoration from freemen andlHacedonians. But of 
 all things, it was furely the moft ridiculous, to imitate the manners of thofe 
 whom you had fubdued. Your other a<ftions I fhall pafs over ; your giving 
 up a "^ noble youth to be devoured by lions, your abfurd marriage, and your 
 paffion for Heph^eftion. The only praife- worthy thing I heard of you, was 
 your feif-denial, with regard to Darius's wife, and the care you took of his 
 mother and daughters ; that was, indeed, a kingly ad:ion. 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 You never commend my bravery, that love of danger which I (hewed, 
 
 when at Oxydrace, I leaped firft within the walls, and received fo many 
 
 wounds. 
 
 PHILIP. 
 
 No : I commend you not for it ; not that I hold it unbecoming a general 
 
 to lead the way in every danger, or to be wounded in battle; but becaufe it 
 
 was out of charadler for you : to fee one who was accounted a god carried 
 
 * A nohk youth.'] Lyfimachus, See Jullin. The faifl, howCTcr, is doubtful. 
 Vol. I. A a out
 
 178 D I A L O G U E S OF the DEAD. 
 
 out of the ranks groaning, and bleeding with his wounds, muft raife the 
 lauo-hter of every fpedlator : befides that Ammon muft be called a falfe 
 prophet, and the oracle a flatterer. Who could help fmiling to fee the fon 
 of Jove expiring, and calling for the aid of a phyfician? And, now you are 
 dead, do not you think people will laugh at the fldion, and cenfure you 
 feverely, when they fee the body of a god laid out, fvvelled and putrid like 
 other carcafes ? As to what you fay, with regard to its facilitating your fuc- 
 cefs, in my opinion, it has only detradled from the glory of your adions ; for 
 however they might appear to be the work of a god, you feem to have adted 
 in a manner very unworthy of a deity. 
 
 ALEXANDER. 
 Men, notvvithftanding, think otherwife, and compare me to Hercules 
 and Bacchus. Aornos, which neither of them could take, I eafily fub- 
 
 dued. 
 
 PHILIP. 
 
 To put yourfelf before Hercules and Bacchus, is talking like Ammon's 
 
 fon indeed ; but I fee, Alexander, you have no fhame in you, are as proud 
 
 as ever, know as little of yourfelf, and have as little wifdom, now you are 
 
 dead, as y ou had whilft you were living. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXVJ, 
 
 iEACUS, PROTESILAUS, MENELAUS, and PARIS. 
 
 iE A C U S. 
 PROTESILAUS, why fall upon Helen thus, as if you were going to 
 
 ftrangle her ? 
 
 ^ PROTESILAUS. 
 
 Becaufe, iEacus, fhe was the caufe of my death ; for her I left my houfe 
 
 half-fmifhed, and my new-married wife, a widow. 
 
 ^ A C U S. 
 
 Blame Menelaus rather, who led you to Troy in defence of fuch a wo^ 
 
 man. 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 
 You are in the right, he is indeed moft to be condemned. 
 
 MENELAUS. 
 
 Lay not the fault on me, my worthy friend, but, with more juflice, on 
 
 Paris, who feized my wife, in defiance of all the laws of hofpitality : he 
 
 deferves
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 179 
 
 deferves to be flrangled, not only by you, but by all the Grecians and Bar- 
 Iparians, for being the caufe of fo much bloodlhed. 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 
 It is very true : thee, Paris, will I be revenged of, nor will I ever quit 
 
 my hold of thee. 
 
 PARIS. 
 
 There, Protefilaus, you will be guilty of manifeft injuftice, to fall upon 
 
 a brother fufferer : lama lover as well as you, and ferve the fame deity : 
 
 you know we adt againft our wills ; the god leads us wherever he pleafes, 
 
 and it is impoffible to refift him. 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 
 You are right ; would to heaven I could catch that fame god of love ! 
 
 iE A C U S. 
 I will tell you how he would juflify himfelf : he would, perhaps, acknow- 
 lege that he had infpired Paris with a pafBon for Helen, but, at the fame time, 
 you, Protefilaus, and none but you were the caufe of your own death, you, 
 who left j^our new married wife, and when you came to Troy, without any 
 confideration of danger, and fond of glory, rulhed foremoft into the battle, 
 and were one of the firft that perilhed in it. 
 
 PROTESILAUS. 
 
 ^acus, I can aflign the real caufe ; the whole ihould be imputed, not to 
 me, but to fate ; the will of the gods had fo decreed it from the begin- 
 ning. 
 
 ^ A C U S. 
 
 True : why therefore accufe the innocent ? 
 
 DIALOGUE XXVII. 
 
 NEREUS, THERSITES, and MENIPPUS. 
 
 N E R E U S. 
 
 HERE comes Menippus, he fhall be judge which of us is the handfomeft: 
 what fay you, Menippus, am not I? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Who are you ? for I think I fhould know that firft. 
 
 NEREUS. 
 Nereus and Therfites. 
 
 A a 2 M £•
 
 i8o DIALOGUES of the DEAD. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 But which is Nereus, and which is Therfites ? for that is not clear to me. 
 
 THERSITES. 
 Thus much then I have gained already, that we are thought like one an- 
 other : you are not fo much above me as that blind * Homer would make 
 us believe, when he calls you the moft beautiful of men ; and yet, you fee, 
 I, with my wry face, and bald pate, appear to the judge no ways inferior 
 to you : now, therefore, Menippus, pronounce which you think the 
 
 handfomeft. 
 
 NEREUS. 
 
 Me, no doubt, fprung from Charops and Aglaia, the mofl beautiful of 
 all the youths who came before Troy. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 But not fo, I think, now you are under ground : your bones are like 
 others, and your fcuU differing from the fcuU of Therfites only in this, that 
 it is thinner, fofter, and more effeminate. 
 
 NEREUS. 
 Only afk Homer, what an appearance I made when I fought amongft the 
 
 Grecian forces. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Idle dreams : I look at what you are now; what you were, they knowbefl 
 
 that lived with you. 
 
 NEREUS. 
 
 So I am not handfomer here, it feems, than any body elfe ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Neither you nor any body elfe is handfome here : amongft the dead all 
 
 are equal, and all alike. 
 
 THERSITES. 
 
 That is enough for me. 
 
 "* Homer.'] Nereus, in fauklefs (hape and blooming grace. 
 The lovelieft youth of all the Grecian race. 
 
 Pope's Homer's Iliad, book ii. 1. 817. 
 In the fame book we meet with the contrail in his defcriptlon of Therfites : 
 His figure fuch as might his foul proclaim, 
 One eye was blinking, and one leg was lame, 
 His mountain fhoulders half his breaft o'erfpread, 
 Thin hairs beftrew'd his long milhapen head. 
 
 Iliad, book Ii. 1. 263. 
 
 D I A«
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD, i8i 
 
 DIALOGUE XXVIII. 
 
 MENIPPUS AND CHIRON. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 I HAVE heard, Chiron, that though you might have been a god, yon 
 
 rather chofe to die. 
 
 CHIRON. 
 
 What you heard was very true ; and, as you fee, I am * dead, though I 
 
 might have been immortal. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 What could make you fo fond of death, a thing in the eyes of mofl men 
 
 fo unlovely ? 
 
 CHIRON. 
 
 As you are no fool, I will tell you; I found nopleafure in immortality. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Was it unpleafant then to live and behold the fun ? 
 
 CHIRON. 
 
 It was: pleafure in my opinion confifts not in famenefs, but variety; to 
 live for ever, to enjoy the fame things, fee the fame fun, and eat the fame 
 food, to count the fame hours, and fee every thing in life recurring in con- 
 tinual fucceffion, brought on fatiety : there is no happinefs but in change. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 True, Chiron ; but how like you rhefe infernal regions, which you were 
 fo defirous of a vifit to ? 
 
 CHIRON. 
 O, paffing well, Menippus : equality is agreeable to all, and whether 
 what we do is done in light or darknefs it matters not ; befides, that here we 
 neither hunger nor thirft, as in the other world, but are free from every 
 want. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Take heed, Chiron, that you do not contradid yourfelf, and fall into the 
 very error you declaim againft. 
 
 * DeaJ.'\ Chiron, however, was, according to all accounts, a gainer by the bargain, being 
 afterwards promoted by Jupiter to a ftar-fhip in heaven, which he ftill enjoys in the zodiac. 
 
 under the name of Sagittarius, 
 
 CHI-
 
 i82 DIALOGUES of the DEAD. 
 
 CHIRON. 
 
 How fo ? 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 Becaufe, if you were fo fatiated in the other world, by a repetition of the 
 fame enjoyments, you muft be fatiated here alfo, where every thing is alike; 
 you will therefore be for making another change, and feeking after another 
 life, which cannot poffibly be granted. 
 
 CHIRON. 
 
 What, then, Menippus, is to be done ? 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 What Ihould be done by a man of fenfe, which, they fay, you are, and 
 which I believe you to be ; be pleafed and fatisfied with what you have, and 
 think nothing either in life or death infupportable. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXIX. 
 
 DIOGENES AND HERCULES. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 IS not this Hercules ? By Hercules it is ! his bow, his club, his Hon*s 
 fkin, his fize, in fhort, Hercules all over. Could he die, who was the fon 
 of Jupiter? Pray, inform me, my noble conqueror, are you really dead? 
 For, upon earth, I facrificed to you as a god. 
 
 HERCULES. 
 
 And you were right in fo doing : for Hercules himfelf is with the 
 gods in heaven, and I am only his image. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 How is that ? the image of a god ! and is it poffible for any one to be half 
 mortal, and half immortal ? 
 
 HERCULES. 
 Certainly •, for he did not die, but I, who am his * image. 
 
 * His i?»age.] The ancients imagined that the foul, though freed from the body, had fhll a 
 vehicle, exactly refembling the body ; as the figure in a mould retains the refemblance of the 
 mould, when feparated from it : this vehicle was fuppofed to be lefs grofs than the mortal bo- 
 dy, and lefs fubtil than the foul ; {o that whatever wounds the outward body received, when 
 living, were believed to affeft this inward fubflance, and, confequently, might be vifible after 
 reparation : this is the Itrangeand unintelligible notion which Lucian ridicules in the dialogue 
 before us, as well as in many other parts of his works. 
 
 D I O-
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 183 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 I underftand yr.u now ; he gave you up to Pluto, inflead of himfelf, and 
 
 fo you died for him. 
 
 HERCULES. 
 
 Something like that. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 How happened it that ^acus, who is a fharp looker out, did not know 
 
 you from him, but took in this fham Hercules ? 
 
 HERCULES. 
 Becaufe I am fo like him. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 So like, indeed, that you are the very perfon : I wifh j^ou are not the true 
 Hercules yourfelf, and that it is your image which is wedded to Hebe in 
 heaven. 
 
 HERCULES. 
 
 You are a faucy prater ; and if you do not leave off fneering at me, you 
 ihall fee prefently whether I am an image of a god or not. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 I fee your bow is ready ftretched; but what have I to fear from it, who 
 am dead already? But, by this fame Hercules, I befeech you, tell mc, whilft 
 he lived, were you with him as his image, or were you one and the fame 
 during life, and feparated after death, he flying off to heaven, and you his^ 
 image, as became you, defcending into hell ? 
 
 HERCULES. 
 
 Such as feem refolved to cavil and difpute, deferve no anfwer, however, I 
 will give you one ; know then, all Amphitryon's part of Hercules, which. 
 part 1 am, died,, and all Jupiter's is with the gods in heaven. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 I apprehend you clearly ; Alcmena brought forth two Hercules's at the 
 fame time, one by Amphitryon, and the other by Jupiter. 
 
 HERCULES, 
 No, fool; we were both one and the fame. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 It is pad my comprehenfion how you can make two Hercules's, unlefsy 
 like the Centaur, the man and god were joined together, 
 
 HERCULES. 
 Are not we all compounded of two parts, the foul and the body, why 
 
 then
 
 i84 DIALOGUES ofthe DEAD. 
 
 then Ihould not the foul which was from Jove, be in heaven, and I, the 
 mortal part, here below ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 True, my good fon of Amphitryon, if you were a body ; but you are on- 
 ly an incorporeal image. 1 am afraid, therefore, at laft, you will make out a 
 
 three- fold Hercules. _ ^ 
 
 HERCULES. 
 
 How a threefold one ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 Why, thus ; one, you know, is in heaven, you, the image, are here below, 
 
 and your body reduced to afhes on mount Oeta , there are three of you : now 
 
 find out a third father for your body. 
 
 HERCULES. 
 
 Thou art an impudent fophift ; who are you ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 I am the image of Diogenes, the Sinopian. I do not converfe, indeed, 
 
 with the immortal gods, but with the firft quality amongft the dead, and 
 
 laugh at Homer and all fuch idle ftory-tellers. 
 
 DIALOGUE XXX. 
 
 MENIPPUS, AND TIRESIAS. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 TIRESIAS, whether you are blind or not we cannot eafily diftinguifli ; 
 for here all our eyes are hollow, and only their fockets left, we cannot tell 
 which is * Phineus, and which is Lynceus ; but the poets have informed us 
 that you were a prophet, and that you have been both man and woman : by 
 the gods, therefore, I befeech you, tell me, in which fex did you lead the 
 
 happieft life ? 
 
 ^ ^ TIRESIAS. 
 
 The woman's life, Menippus, was much the mofl agreeable, and the 
 
 mod eafy ; the women always rule the men : befides, that they need not go 
 
 to war, nor watch in the bulwarks, nor harangue in council, nor difpute in 
 
 the forum. 
 
 * Phhicus,] Was a famous blind prophet, and Lynceus, o|uJi(;>tEr>!To?, the moft fliarp fight- 
 
 ed of mortals. Pindar tells us, he faw Caftor at a prodigious diftance, though hid in the trunk 
 
 of a tree. _ _ _ 
 
 M E«
 
 
 
 DIALOGUES OF the DEAD. 185 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 Did you never hear the Medea of Euripides, where (he laments the mi- 
 feries of her fex, and the intolerable pains of child-birth ? But, pray tell me 
 (for Medea's iambics put me in mind of it), did you ever lye-in when you 
 were a woman? t I R E S I A S. 
 
 Why do you afk that queflion ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Nay, no harm; it is eafily anfwered ; what fay you? 
 
 T I R E S I A S. 
 , No: never. m E N I P P U S. 
 
 And, pray, were you changed at once from a woman into a man ? 
 
 T I R E S I A S. 
 I wonder what you mean by aiking me; you feem as if you doubted 
 
 whether the faft was really fo or not. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 Surely one may be allowed to doubt of fuch things a little ; or, do you think 
 we Ihould, like ideots, take them for granted ? 
 
 T I R E S I A S. 
 You do not believe other things, then, of the fame kind, which you mnfl 
 have heard, that women have been turned into birds, beafls, and trees; as 
 Philomela, and Daphne, and the daughter of Lycaon? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 When I light on them, 1 Ihall hear what they fay themfelves ; but pray, 
 my friend, did you prophecy when you were a woman, and afterwards too? 
 . or did you commence man and prophet at the fame time ? 
 
 TIRESIAS, 
 I fee you know nothing of my hiftory ; how I made up a quarrel amongft . 
 the gods ; how Juno deprived me of my fight, and Jupiter made me amends, 
 by bellowing on me the art of prophecy. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 And can you, Tirefias. continue to propagate thefe fallhoods ? But it i» 
 the fafhion with you prophets, who never fay any thing that is true. 
 
 Vol. I. 
 
 Bb ME-
 
 M E N I P P U S; 
 
 OR THE 
 
 ORACLE OF THE DEAD, 
 
 A DIALOGUE. 
 
 ^hls Dialogue was undoubtedly defignedhy Lucian as a Burlefque on the eleventh 
 Book o/ Homer's Odyffey, defcribing the Defcent of Ulysses to the Infernal 
 Regions, and to which it is obfervable, the ancient Critics, have prefixed the fame 
 ^itle, viz. Nfxuo^avTia, or the Book of Necromancy. There feems to be, likewife, 
 throughout, a vifible Allufton to the Oracle o/Trophonius, and the ridiculous 
 Ceremonies to be obferved by all thofe zvho confulted it, as accurately and minutely 
 defcribedby Pausanias. 
 
 MENIPPUS, PHILONIDES. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 <« TTAIL, * ye lov'd doors, ye well known manfions, hail! 
 JLJL Once more to light returned, with blithfome heart. 
 You I re-vifit " 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 
 Surely this mufl be the Cynic, Menippus : if I know what Menippus's 
 
 are, it is certainly he; but why this ftrange difguife; what bufinefs has he 
 
 with a lion's fkin, a cap, and a lyre ? 1 will make up to him. Menippus, 
 
 your fervant, whence come you ? for, I think, we have not feen you in the 
 
 city this many a day. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 ^' Far from the gods, where gloomy Orcus reigns. 
 In the dark regions of the dead, I come." 
 PHILONIDES. 
 And fo you ftole from us, without our knowing any thing of the mattej^, 
 and now are come to life again : O Hercules ! 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 " No : death received me there a living man.'*" 
 
 * Hail, ye loved, Csfc] See the i/crfw/t'j i^«'r«j of Euripides. 
 
 P H 7-
 
 ORACI. EoftheDEAD. 187 
 
 P H I L O N I D E S. 
 
 What might be the caufe of this ftrange, incredible expedition of your's? 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 " My youth incited, and my courage drove." 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 Prithee, leave off tragedizing, defccnd from your lofty iambics, and tell 
 me plainly, what you mean by that garb, and what bufinefs you had in the 
 regions below : for furely the journey thither has nothing in it very pleafant 
 
 or agreeable. 
 
 ^ M E N I P P U S. 
 
 * " From earth I dy, 
 To feek Tirefias in the nether iky." 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 You are certainly crazy, or you would not rant and rhapfodize fo with 
 
 your old friends. 
 
 ■^ M E N I P P U S. 
 
 Do not be furprifed at it : I am juft come from Homer and Euripides ; 
 
 and fo full of their poetry, that verfes come into my mouth, whether I will 
 
 or no. But, tell me, how go things upon earth ? What are they all about in 
 
 the city ? ^ r. o 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 
 Nothing new : they pilfer, fvvear, cheat, play the ufurer, and weigh their 
 farthings, e'en juft as they ufed to do. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 A parcel of miferable fcoundrels : they little know what is gomg forward 
 
 againft them below, and how fevere a decree is foon to be iflued out againft 
 
 rich rogues ; which, by Cerberus, they will find it a hard matter, with all 
 
 their art, to evade. 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 
 Say you fo ? And is there any thing new determined below, concerning 
 
 us here above ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Aye, by Jupiter, is there, and a great deal too ; but I mufl not tell it to 
 every body, or difclofe what is not to be revealed, left I fhould have an in- 
 formation filed againft myfelf for petty treafon againft Rhadamanthus. 
 
 • From earthy ^f.] Pope's Homer's OJyfley, book xi, 1, 200. 
 
 Bb2 PHI=i
 
 ,88 M E N I P P U S; OR, the 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 
 For heaven's fake, Menippus, be lefs referved to an old friend, who, 
 vou know, can keep a fecret, and, befides, is one of the initiated. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 It is a difficult tafk which you enjoin me, and not altogether fafe : to 
 oblige you, however, I will venture. The decree is, that thofe rich rogues, 
 who keep their gold fhut up, like Danae in 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 
 Before you proceed with the decree, I muft beg you, my good friend, to 
 let me know, what, above all, I defire firfl to be acquainted with, the caufe 
 of your journey down, and who conducted you thither ,- and, moreover, 
 what you faw and heard there ; as I am fatisfied a man of your tafle could 
 have omitted nothing that was worthy of his obfervation. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 This too I will do for you : when a friend is fo obligingly prefling, there 
 is no denying him. Firft, then, I muft acquaint you with my fentiments ; 
 and what it was that determined me to vifit the infernal regions. When a 
 bov, 1 was always reading Homer and Hefiod, who recounted the battles 
 and factions, not only of their heroes and demi-gcds, but of the gods them- 
 felves, their rapes, adulteries, quarrels, banifhing their parents, marrying 
 brothers and fifters, and fo forth -, all which, no doubt, I inferred, muft be 
 right and honeft, and which, to fay the truth, I had no fmall defirc to prac- 
 tife : but when I came to man's eftate, I attended to the laws, which 
 taught me a fyftem of morality very different from that of the poets ; that 
 I muft not fteal, ftir up fadions and feditions, nor commit adultery. I re- 
 mained in doubt and uncertainty, and knew not how to aft : the gods, I 
 thought, would never have been quarrelfome, factious, or adulterers, if they 
 had not thought it right fo to be ,* nor, on the other hand, would the legif- 
 lators have taught things direftly oppofite tothefe, if they had not thought 
 them more conducive to the welfare and happincfs of mankind. In this 
 doubtful ftate I remained, till it occurred to me, that I might apply to cer- 
 tain perfons, called philofophers, yield myfelf up to their direction, and re- 
 queft them to point out to me that fafe and iimple path of life, which I 
 ought to follow J thus refolved, I went in fearch of them, little thinking 
 
 that
 
 ORACLEoftheDEAD. ig^ 
 
 that I Should fall, as they fay, out of the * fmoke into the fire : for amongfl: 
 thefe, I found, in the end, only more ignorance and infufficiency, and was 
 almoft induced to think the life of an ideot preferable to their's. One main- 
 tained that we fhould follow pleafure, in which alone true hapinnefs confid- 
 ed ; another enjoined perpetual toil and labour, told us, we fliould keep the 
 body lean, fquallid, and emaciated ; that we fliould be morofe and fevere ; 
 and then would he chaunt forth the old verfes of Hefiod, about virtue, and 
 fweating up to the -f top of a high mountain. One exhorted us to contemn 
 riches, as a thing of no value, or eftimation ; whilfl: another acknowleged 
 that Plutus himfelf had fomethinggood in him : not to mention their ftrange 
 notions about the world, their original ideas, incorporeal beings, atoms, a 
 vacuum, and a heap of fuch unintelligible jargon, which they were per-- 
 petually repeating ; but of all things, the moft truly ridiculous, was, that 
 whilft they all held tenets and opinions diredily oppofite and contradidiory 
 to each other, every one fupported his argument with fuch ftrong and power- 
 ful reafons, there was no refuting. either one, who faid it was hot, or the 
 other, who affirmed it to be cold ; though you were convinced it was im* 
 impoffible for the fame thing to be both hot and cold at the fame time. For 
 my part, I was like a man half afieep, affenting anddiflTenting, by a nod, to 
 both parties. I could not,- moreover, help obferving, that, which was flill 
 more abfurd, in many of them, their pradice was dired.ly contrary to their 
 prirxiples : thofe, I remarked, who inculcated the greateft contempt of 
 riches, were themfelves fo ftrongly attached to, that they were nor, by any 
 means, to be torn from them : they quarrelled about ufury, they taught for 
 hire, they went through every thing, in fliort, for the fake of money. Thofe, 
 in like manner, who were for extirpating.the love of fame, attempted every- 
 thing from that very motive : whilfl-allunited to rail at pleafure in public, 
 and, in private, thought of nothing elfe. 
 
 Thus, again,, and again difappointed,- I grew very uneafy, but comforted 
 
 * Ouf of the f mole. '\ An old Greek proverb. It is adopted by Erafmus ; fumum fugiens (fays 
 be) in ignem incidi. We have an Englifh adage, which borders nearly upon it. *' Out of the-- 
 fiying-pan into the fire." 
 
 •j- Top of a high mQunta'in.'\ Alluding' to thofe lines of Hefiod, 
 The paths of virtue mull be reach'd by toil, 
 Arduous, and long, and on a rugged foil. 
 Thorny the path ; but, when tlie top you gain, 
 F^iir is the future, and the profpe(5l plain. 
 
 See Hefiod's Weeks and Days, book I. 
 
 jnyfelB
 
 ,^o MENIPPUS;oR, THE 
 
 myfelf with the reflexion, that though I remained flill ignorant, and wan- 
 dering about in the fearch of truth, I was a fool, however, in good com- 
 pan3% and had many of thofe, who were moft celebrated for their wit and 
 wifdom, to keep me in countenance. One night, at length, as 1 laid (leep- 
 lefs, and thinking on this matter, it came into my head that I would go to 
 Babylon, and alk the affi fiance of fome magi, the difciples and fuccelTors of 
 Zoroafter : thefe, I had heard, could, by certain ceremonies and incantations, 
 open the doors of hell, fet a man down there, and bring him fafe back 
 again, whenever they pleafed : the befl way, therefore, I thought, was, 
 leave being firft obtained from fome of them, to go immediately to old Ti- 
 refias, the Boeotian, and learn of that wife propher, what was really the befl 
 rule of life, which a prudent man (hould go by ; and, accordingly, leaping 
 up as faft as 1 could, I made the beft of my way to Babylon, where I met 
 with a certain Chaldean, a wife man, a diviner by profefTion, with white 
 hair, and a moft venerable beard, whofe name was Mithrobarzanes : whom, 
 after much fupplication and intreaty, I at laft prevailed on to conduct me, 
 on his own terms, to the infernal regions : he then took me, at the time of 
 the new moon, and walhed me nine and twenty days in the Euphrates, with ' 
 my face towards the rifing fun, repeating at the fame time a long fpeech, 
 which I could not well hear, as he fpoke it like one of our public criers, 
 who give you fomething rapid and indiftind:, which you can never under- 
 ftand : he feemed, however, to invoke fome demons ; and, after the incan- 
 tation, fpitting three times in my face, returned ; taking no notice of, nor 
 even feeing thofe that met us. Our food was acorns, our drink milk 
 and honey, or the water of Choafpes : we flept upon the grafs, in the 
 open air : after being thus dieted, I was led, in the middle of the night, to 
 the Tio-ris, where he wafhed, and then purified me with torches and fea- 
 leeks and fo forth, not forgetting to mumble over his incantation : then, to 
 complete the charm, and fave me harmlefs from the fpeftres, he walked ■ 
 round me and thus prepared, making me walk backwards all the way, led 
 me home ; the refl of the night was fpent in preparing for our voyage : he 
 was cloathed himfelf in a kind of magic garment, much refembling the 
 Median drefs, and equipped me, as you fee, with this cap, a lion's fkin, and 
 a lyre ; telling me, if any body afked my name, 1 ihould not fay it was Me- 
 nippus, but * Hercules, Orpheus, or Ulyffes. 
 
 * Hcrciilci, ^V.] Becaufe thefe three heroes had all been indulged with the privilege of vifit- 
 ing the infernal regions j Menippus, confequently, might pafs and repafs there unmolefled. 
 
 PHI-
 
 ORACLE OF THE DEAD. 191 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 
 And why fo, pray ? for I cannot conceive any reafon for changing, either 
 your habit, or your name. 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 The reafon is plain enough. As they had gone down to hell in their life- 
 times, long before us, he imagined, to be fure, if we appeared like them^ 
 we might eafily deceive ^acus's guards, and get there without any inter- 
 ruption, as this heroic drefs would be fo much more familiar to them. 
 
 At length day appeared ; we went down to the river, and prepared to em- 
 bark ; the boat was ready, the facrifices, milk and honey, and every thing 
 elfe that was neceflary for the ceremony : thus prepared, we ourfelves went 
 on board, not without melancholy faces, and fhedding many tears. After 
 being a little time on the river, we came to the lake, into which Euphrates, 
 emptying himfelf, difappears; and paffing that, arrived at a certain defert, 
 woody, and dark region, where, as foon as we entered, (for Mithrobarzanes 
 went firft}, we dug a ditch, killed our Iheep, and fprinkled the blood round 
 it; the magician, in the mean time, holding a lighted torch, and roaring as 
 Joud as he could, called upon the Damons, and Furies, and nodiurnal 
 Hecate, and lofty Proferpine, with a mixture of flrange and barbarous 
 names, of I know not how many fyllables long. 
 
 Immediately the whole place fhook; the earth was rent by the power of 
 magic ; the barking of Cerberus was heard from afar, and every thing 
 round us, beyond meafure, dreary and terrible ! 
 
 * And Pluro trembled in his dark abode. 
 
 For now the fiery lake, Periphlegethon, and the palace of Pluto appeared : 
 down, however, we plunged, through the giilph, where we found Rhada- 
 manthus, half dead with fear : Cerberus barked, and raged mod furioufly j 
 but I immediately ftruck my lyre, and quickly lulled him to fleep with the 
 found. When we came to the lake, we were very near being overfet, the 
 boat being heavy laden, and full of dreadful lamentations : for all on board, 
 were wounded, one in the head, another in the thigh, and a third in fome 
 other parr, as if, which I fuppofe was the cafe, they had juft come from a 
 battle. My friend, Charon, feeing my lion's ikin, took me for Hercules,. 
 carried me over very willingly ; and, when we came our, fhewed us the 
 right way on. Mithrobarzanes, however, as we were in the dark, kept the 
 
 * Phify y.'.] See Homer's Iliad, Y. 1. 6u 
 
 lead i
 
 192 M E N I P P U S; OR, the 
 
 lead : I (luck clofe behind him, till we came to the great mead of daffodils, 
 where a croud of buzzing ghofts hovered round us : proceeding a little fur- 
 ther, we arrived at the tribunal of Minos, where we faw him feared on a 
 hioh throne, with the avenging fpirits, furies, and punifhments of every 
 kind, as his afiefibrs. On the other fide were the malefadors, bound toge- 
 ther with a long chain, and dragged towards him : thefe were all adulterers, 
 pimps, bawds, publicans, parafites, informers, and the reft of thofc who corrupt 
 and confound every thing in human life. In another part,by themfelves, were 
 brought up the rich men, and ufurers, pale, pot-bellied, and gouty, each 
 weighed down with his yoke and crow of two talents about his neck. We 
 flood by, faw every thing that pafled, and heard their feveral defences ; a 
 new and moft extraor<linary fpecies cf orators appeared to plead againit 
 
 them. ^ ^ ^ 
 
 P K I L O N I D E S. 
 
 For heaven's fake, who were they ? I fuppofe you can inform me. 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 
 You have feen the ^ fhadows of bodies made by the fun ? 
 
 PHILONIpES. 
 
 Certainly. 
 
 M E N I P P U So 
 
 Thefe, after death, are our accufers, bear witnefs againfl: us, and lay open 
 every adion of our lives : they may, indeed, tor the moft part, be relied 
 on, as they are never abfent from our bodies, and perpetually about us. 
 Minos, therefore, after the ftridteft examination, difmified them to the re- 
 gions of the wicked, every one according to his deferts.j treating thofe above 
 nil with moft feverity, who, puffed up by avarice and ambition, had ex- 
 peded little lefs than adoration amongft men. To fhew his abhorrence of their 
 ihort-lived pride and oftentation, which made them forget that they were 
 mortals, and periftiable themfelves, as well as every thing that belonged to 
 them ; no fooner were they difrobed of their finery, for fo I call riches, 
 rank, and power, than, ftanding naked, with dejedted countenances, they 
 began to lookback on all the happinefs of this life but as a dream. For my 
 own part, I rejoiced to fee them in this condition ; and, when 1 met with 
 any of my acquaintance, came filently up to, and whifpering, put him in 
 mind, how «' he ufed to ftrut about in his life-time, when crouds of attend- 
 -ants flood at his door, to watch his coming out in the morning, after, per- 
 
 * Shado^Mi of bodies.] See the Gorgias of Plato. 
 
 haps.
 
 ORACLEoftheDEAD. 193 
 
 haps, being denied admittance, and thruft out by his fervants, whilft he, 
 fcarce obferving them, drefled in purple, or gold, or fome robe of various 
 colours, at laft, would condefcend to make them happy, by ftretching forth 
 his hand or breaft for them to kifs." This difcourfe of mine galled them 
 mod: feverely. 
 
 Whilft I was there, one remarkable caufe was determined by Minos, on 
 the favourable fide. Dionyfius, of Sicily, who had been accufed by Dion 
 of many heinous crimes, and condemned by the Stoic porch, was juft on 
 the point of being chained to the Chimera; when Ariflippus, the 
 Cyrenian, who is highly revered, and has the mofl: powerful iufluence 
 in the infernal regions, procured a reverfion of the fentence, by alleging 
 that he had been liberal to learned men, whom he frequently relieved by his 
 bounty. 
 
 We now left the feat of judgment, and proceeded to the place of punifh- 
 ment : where a thoufand dreadful objecfls prefenred themfeives to us. On 
 every fide, together were heard the found of whips, and the groans of thofe 
 who were fcorching in the fire ; together were feen the wheels, the collars, 
 the prefTes, and other inftruments of torture. Chimsera tearing fome, Cer- 
 berus devouring others, all fufFeiing their deferved punifhment, kings and 
 flaves, fatraps and beggars, rich and poor, one with another. Not one 
 of them but repented of their crimes. Some of thofe, we obferved, who 
 w'ere but lately dead, hid themfeives, and retired from us, and, if by 
 chance we difcovered them, looked fneaking and fervile ; thofe, particularly, 
 you may fuppofe, who in their life times were moft proud and haughty. 
 The poor had half their punifhment remitted, and, after intervals of reft, 
 were again chaftifed for their mifdemeanors. 
 
 There did I fee the famous Ixion, and Sifyphus, and Phrygian Tantalus, 
 in all his mifery, and the earth-born Tityus : O Hercules, what an im- 
 menfe creature ! ikerching himfelf over a whole field. Leaving thefe, we 
 came to the Acherufian Mead, where we found the demi-gods and heroines, 
 with another croud of ghofls, divided into nations and tribes, forne old, 
 withered, and, as Homer calls them, * feeble ghofis. Others looked 
 youthful, and ftrong ; particularly your Egyptian carcafes, I fuppofe, from 
 
 * Fcelile ghoJis.'\ NExudii- af*iwi»a xa^ijca. Pope Calls them wan (hades, and feeble ghoHs. See 
 the Odyffey, book x. Concerning the true lenfe of the epithet «/^if»»»», the critics are much 
 divided. 
 
 Vol. I. Co the
 
 194: M E N I P P U S; OR, the 
 
 the nature of their ^ pickle. It was no eafy matter to know one from an- 
 other : for, when their bones are bid bare, they are all alike ; nor were we 
 able, till we had for a long time reviewed, to diftinguifh them, as they laid 
 one upon another, without any of thofe marks, or that finery, which we 
 knew them by whilil upon earth ; fo that, when a heap of fkeletons were 
 got together, all refembled one another, with their ghailly terrifying looks, 
 and fhewing their naked teeth : I could not know Therfites from the beau- 
 tiful Nereus, the beggar Irus from the king of the Phseacians, or Pyrrhias 
 the cook from Agamemnon ; for not the lead ancient mark remained ; their 
 bones were all alike, without fo much as a title to diflinguifti them. 
 
 Refledling on thefe things, 1 could not help comparing human life to a 
 long -f- public fliew, where Fortune, a(fting the Choragus, difpofes all things, 
 and puts on the feveral habits of thofe who walk in it : to one Ihe gives the 
 tiara, appoints him fatraps, and crowns him with a diadem; another fhe 
 clothes in the garb of a flave ; one ihe adorns, and renders beautiful ; an- 
 other fhe makes deformed and ridiculous ; for the fpedacle mufl have va- 
 riety : often, even in the middle of the ceremony, will Ihe change the 
 drefles of fome, and not permit them to go through the fhew as they fet 
 out. Cicefus Ihe forced to take the habit of a flave ; to M^andrius, who 
 had long walked in the proceffion as a fervant, fhe transferred the monarchy 
 of Polycrates, and fuffered him for a while to flrut in the royal robe. 
 When, at length, the fhew is over, everyone gives back his garment, and, 
 laying it afide, together with his body, becomes jufl as he was before, and 
 in nothing differing from his neighbour. Some, when Fortune came to flrip 
 them of their robe, were foolifh enough to murmur and be angry, refuf- 
 ing to give back, what was but lent them for a time, as if they had been 
 deprived of fomething which they confidered as their own. So have you 
 often feen the J adtors of the tragic fcene, who appear fometimes as Creons, 
 then as Priams, then as Agamemnons, as the drama requires of them ; and 
 
 * Pickle.^ Lucian calls it rocfixnac, conditura ; what the preparation was, which the Mgyp^ 
 ttans made ufe of to prelerve their dead bodies, was a fecret to the ancients, and, 1 believe, 
 remains fo to this day. 
 
 -j- Public JhcwJ] I his comparifon of Lucian's is to the lafl degree jull, elegant, and beauti- 
 ful, and cannot be fufficiently admired. 
 
 X The a£iors.'\ This naturally reminds us of Shakefpeare's comparifon : 
 Life — is a poor player. 
 Who firuts and frets his hour upon the ftage, 
 And then is heard no more, &c. 
 
 the
 
 ORACLEoftheDEAD. 195 
 
 the fame man, it often happens, who but a little before has majefiically re- 
 
 prefented Cecrops, or Eredheus, fhall onne forth as a poor (lave, it the 
 
 poet fo commands him. The play at length finifhed, every one of them 
 
 puts off his gilded robes, lays afide his mafk, and defcending from his 
 
 bufkins, walks about, like a poor and low fellow as he is, no longer called 
 
 Creon the fon of Mer.aeceus, or Agamemnon the fon of Arreus i but mere 
 
 Polus the Servian, fon of Charicles, or Satyrus of Marathon, the fon of 
 
 Theof^iton. In fuch a light, after thefe fpectacle, appeared to me the 
 
 adions of mankind. 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 
 But, pray tell me, Menippus, thofe who, here upon earth, have fuch 
 fplendid and magnificent fepulchres eredeJ for them, who have their monu- 
 ments, ftatues, and infcriptions, do they meet with more honours and rcf- 
 ped amongft the dead than the vulgar ? 
 
 MENIPPUS. 
 
 Not they, indeed. I am fure you would never have done laughing, had 
 you feen Maufolus himfelf, the Carian, fo famous for his tomb, contemptu- 
 oufly thrown into a little dark hole, amongft the common rabble : all that 
 he feems to enjoy of the monument is, that he appears miferably oppreffed 
 by the weight of it ; for when ^acus, you mull know, my friend, has al- 
 lotted to every one his proper place (and he never gives them more than a 
 foot a-piece), there they muft lie content, and contraa: themfelves according 
 to their ftinted meafure. You would have fmiled to fee fome of our kings 
 and fatraps turned beggars there, or felling fait fifh for their bread, or teach- 
 ing fchool, fcoffed at, and buffeted like the meaneft Haves. I could fcarce 
 contain myfelf, when I faw Philip of Macedon there, as they pointed him 
 out to me, in a corner, * healing the wounds of old Hioes : many others, 
 likewife, did I fee begging in the highway ; your Xerxes's, Polycrates's, 
 
 and fo forth. 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 
 What you have told me, about our princes and great men, is truly ridi- 
 culous, and almoft incredible : but how was Socrates employed, and Dio- 
 genes, and the reft of our philofophers ? 
 
 * Healing the ivounds.'] A>;i?f^£>o; Tacra9^«, fays Lucian : the expreffion is mofl happily ludi- 
 crous. My' author has given us here a better Pagati hell than any of the ancient poets, and 
 dealt forth his rewards and punifhraents with more e<^uity, as well as with much nriore wit and 
 humour. 
 
 C c 2 ME-
 
 196 M E N I P P U S; OR, THE 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 Socrates was walking about, and difputing with every body, accompanied 
 by Palamedes, Neftor, Ulylfes, and all the old praters; his legs feemcd to 
 be fwelled with the poilbnous draught which he had taken. As for my worthy 
 friend Diogenes, he kept conflantly with Sardanapalus the AlTyrian, Mi- 
 das the Phrygian, and the reft of our magnifico's ; and when he hears them 
 groaning, and lamenting their loft grandeur, laughs at, and diverts himfelf 
 with them ; fometimes lying along upon the ground, and, with a moft 
 Iharp and piercing voice, drowning their cries; whilft the poor creatures, 
 thus tormented, confult together how, by change of fituation, they may, 
 if poffible, efcape from him. 
 
 PHILONIDES. 
 Well ; no more of this. What was that decree you were fpeaking of juft 
 now againft the rich ? 
 
 M E N I P P U S. 
 Well remember'd : I intended to have repeated it to you, but, I do not 
 know how, have wandered quite away from it : as I ftaid then, you muft 
 know, feme time amongft them, I heard the ^ Prytanes give out that there 
 was to be an affembly on fome public affairs ; and feeing, foon after, a num- 
 ber of people, I mingled with them, and foon became myfelf one of the 
 council. Many things were agitated, and at laft came on the affair of the 
 rich : a number of accufations was brought againft them, fuch as pride, 
 violence, oppreflion, and injuftice ; when, at length, one of the dema- 
 gogues rofe up, and read the following decree. 
 
 The decree. 
 
 '* WHEREAS the rich are, in their life-time, guilty of many and very 
 enormous abufes, plundering, opprefling, and by every other means (hewing 
 their contempt of the poor ; the fenate and people do hereby enadt, that 
 when they die, the bodies of the faid rich men fhall be punilhed as the 
 bodies of other mifcreants are, and their fouls fent back again into life, me- 
 tamorphofed into afTes, in that ftate to continue from afs to afs, five and 
 
 • The prytanrs.'] The prytanes, were officers appointed by the fenate, to aflemble the mem- 
 bers, and to engrave on tablets any thing propofed to be taken into confideration, that all the fena- 
 tors might previoufly be acquainted with it ; it was their duty likewife to draw up in writing 
 any bufinefs which, after public difcuffion, was to bepafled into a decree. 
 
 twenty
 
 ORACLEofTHEDEAD. 197 
 
 twenty myriads of years, beariiij^ burthens, and driven by tbe poor, 
 after which they may be at liberty ro die. Baldpare, the fon of Skeleton, 
 inhabitant of Ghoftland, and of the tribe of the Bioodlefs, pro^ofed this 
 Decree." 
 
 The Decree being read, the magidrates gave their votes, the populace 
 held up their hands, Proferpine hovvied her confent, and Cerberus barked; 
 for thus, whatever is propofed here, mufl be confirmed, and made valid. 
 
 J have told you every thing that palled in the aiTembly ; and now, ad- 
 dreffing myfelf to Tirefias, whom 1 went down in fcarch of, I acquainted 
 him with all my doubts and difficuhies, and begged him to inform me 
 which he thought the heft rule of life : he fn;iiled, and replied (for it is a 
 little blind animal, with a feeble voice), " child, I know the caufe 
 of all your perplexity is, that your wife men are never agreed among them- 
 felves about this matter: but I mufl; not inflrudt you, ic is forbidden by 
 Rhadamanthus." Say not fo, my little father, cried I, but tell me, do not 
 leave me as blind as yourfelf with regard to this life. He then took me 
 afide, a good way off from the croud, and gently whifpered in my ear : 
 " The life of plain unlearned men is the befl and wifeft : wherefore, laying 
 afide the folly of fearching into fublime truths, and fpeculating on ends and 
 principles, no longer fwallowing the fophifms of the learned, but looking on 
 them as idle trifles, feek after this alone, to manage as well as you can the 
 prefent hour, and what lies before you ; pafs eafily through life, laugh at 
 mofl: things, and be nor folicitous about any." 
 
 When he had faid this, he retreated to a beautiful meadow, thick planted 
 with alphodelus ; whereupon, for it was now late, come, faid I, Mithrobar- 
 zanes, what ftiould we ftay any longer for? let us return to the upper world. 
 Take courage, replied he, my friend, for I will (hew you a fhort and eafy 
 way up : and immediately he led me to a path, darker than that which we 
 were in, and, pointing to a fmall glimmering light, at fome diflance from 
 us, thai Ihot as it were through a cranny, that, fays he, is the temple of 
 Trophonius, fnuTj which the Boeotians come down; get up there, and you 
 will foon be in Greece. Rejoicing at the news, I embraced my g' od ma- 
 gician, and crept along, with fome difficulty, through the mouth of the ca- 
 vern, and here I am, 1 know not how, in Lebadia. 
 
 C H A.
 
 CHARON, 
 
 OR, THE 
 
 SPECTATORS. 
 
 Charon is one o/Lucian*s heft Dialogues, abounding in true Wit and Humour^ 
 ^nat Eafe and Elegance of Language, with mojl judicious Obfervations, and 
 found Morality, 
 
 CHARON, MERCURY. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 CHARON, what makes you fo merry ? how happens it that you leave 
 your boat, and come thus into open day-light, you, who never ufed 
 to trouble yourfelf about any thing in thefe upper regions > 
 
 CHARON. 
 I wanted, you muft know, Mercury, to fee what was going forward in 
 human life, how mortals employ themfelves in it, and what thofe precious 
 things are which they fo much lament the lofs of, when they come down to 
 us; for not one ferries over with me but weeps bitterly : wherefore, begging 
 Pluto's leave of abfence only for a day, like the ThefTalian youth, you fee 
 me arifen to light, and happy am I to have lit on you, as 1 know you will 
 walk about with, and fhew me every thing ; for there is nothing here but 
 what you are well acquainted with. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Indeed, ferryman, I am not at leifure : I have fome little earthly bufinefs 
 to tranfaft for my mailer Jupiter, which I muft go about immediately ; he is 
 pretty hafty, and if 1 delay it, I am afraid, may confign me entirely over to 
 darknefs, and give me leave to wait on nobody but yourfelf ; or, perhaps, 
 take me by the heel, as he formerly ferved * Vulcan, and throw me head- 
 
 longr 
 
 • Fulcan."] This uncivil treatment of poor Vulcan is generally attributed to the fiery Juno, 
 as mentioned by himfelf, in his fpeech to Juno, in the firft book of Homer's Iliad, 
 Once, in your caufe, I felt his matchlefs might, 
 Hurl'd headlong, downward, from th' sethereal height j 
 
 Toft
 
 The SPECTATOR 
 
 199 
 
 long ont of heaven : then may I turn cup-bearer, and hop about for the 
 entercainmL-nc of the company. 
 
 CHARON. 
 And would you let me come up here lor nothing ; a friend too, a brother 
 failor, and collegue, as you are? In good truth, fon of Maia, you ought 
 to remember that I never made you labour at the oar, or fet you to fleer 
 the boat; you lay, ftretched out at your eafe, at the flern, with thofe 
 broad fhoulders of yours, or, perhaps, if you lit on fome goffip'mg ghofl, 
 kept prating with him all the way : whilft I, a poor old fellow, was left to 
 tug you over by myfelf. I befeech you, therefore, by your honoured fa- 
 ther, my dear lirtle Mercury, do not defert me, but lead me through life, 
 and let me fay, when I go back, that I have feen fomething : if you leave 
 me, I fhall be like the blind; as they totter about and flumble in the dark, 
 fo fhall I in the light : grant me this favour, then, good Cyllenius, and I 
 will for ever acknowlege it. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 This affair will certainly cofl me fome blows ; my circumambulation will 
 be rewarded with a few ftripes ; however, I mutl confent ; what can one do, 
 when a friend infifts upon it ? but as to feeing every thing, and completely 
 too, my good ferryman, it is impoflible ; that would be a work of years : 
 Jupiter, then, would have me cried as a runaway ; befides, that it would 
 put a ftop to all your bufinefs below : if you left off tranfporting the dead 
 for fuch a length of time, it would be very prejudicial to Pluto's empire, 
 and -(Eacus would be in a rage, when not a farthing came into his cof- 
 fers ; but I mufl endeavour to fhew you at leaft the heads of things as well 
 
 as I can, 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 I leave you to judge in what manner we fhall proceed ; for, as to myfelf, 
 
 being a flranger in thefe parts, I know nothing of the matter. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 In the firfl place, then, Charon, we muft find out fome eminence, from 
 which we may view every thing. If you could have gone up to heaven. 
 
 Toft all the day, in rapid circles round, 
 
 Nor, till the fun defcended, touch'd the ground j 
 
 Breathlefs I fell, in giddy motion loft, 
 
 The Siuthians rais'd me on the Lemnian coaft. 
 
 See Pope, book i. 1. ^60. 
 
 now.
 
 200 C H A R O N; OR, 
 
 now, I fliould not be at a lofs ; from our fpylng-place there, we might have 
 overlooked the whole world : but, as it is not lawful for you, who are al- 
 ways in the Ihades, to vifit the regions above, we muft fearch for fome 
 
 high mountain. „ ^ ^r 
 
 ^ CHARON. 
 
 You know. Mercury, what I ufed to tell you when we were on board 
 of fhip: if the wind blew hard, and the waves rofe high upon us, fome of 
 vou, who knew nothing of the matter, would be for furling the fails, let- 
 ting the Iheet loofe, or running with the wind, whilft I, who was a better 
 judge, told you to be quiet. Now here, my friend. Mercury, you are the 
 pilot,* therefore, do what you like ; I lliall fit dill, as paffengers ought, and 
 obey you in every thing. 
 
 MERCURY, 
 
 You are right ; I believe I know bed in this cafe, and (hall look out, 
 therefore, for a proper obfervatory. Let me fee; Caucafus, or ParnalFus, 
 which is higher, or Olympus, which is higher than either of them : and, 
 now we talk of Olympus, fomething comes into my head that may be of 
 fervice to us •, but in this I fhall want both your afliflance, and implicit 
 
 obedience alfo. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Command, and to the beft of my power I will obey you. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 The poet Homer tells us, that * the two fons of Alous, when they were 
 
 little boys, tore up Offa by the roots, and wanted to put it upon Olympus, 
 
 * Tvjofons^ f c] Otus and Rphlaltes. Homer tells us they were nine ells, that is eleven 
 yards and a quarter in height, when they were only nine years of age. 
 The wond'rous youths had fcarce nine winters told, 
 When high in air, tremendous to behold, 
 Nine ells aloft they rear'd their tow'ring head, 
 And full nine cubits broad their flioulders fpread. 
 Such were the youths ; had they to manhood grown, 
 Almighty Jove had trembled on his throne. 
 
 Pope's Homer's OdyfTey, book xi. I. 311. 
 
 And well, indeed, he might, if they could move Pelion and Ofla, thole immenfe mountains, 
 with fo much facility. Longinus calls this ftrange fable, an inftance of the true: fublime in his 
 favourite poet. Lucian, with much more reafon, treats it as abfurd and ridiculous. Though 
 Homer is by no means anfwerable for the improbability of the llory, which he only gives as he 
 found it. It was undoubtedly one of thofe fiftions which the Grecians invented, to tefverent 
 the building of the tower of Babel, as it is at large explained and illuftrated by the ingenious 
 and learned Bryant. See the beginning of the third volume of his Mythology. 
 
 . after
 
 TheSPECTATORS. 
 
 2<M 
 
 after which they were to have placed Pelion upon OfTa, and (o to make a 
 
 proper ladder and get up to heaven : the children, indeed, for they were 
 
 wicked rogues, fuiTeied for it ; but why fhould not we (for we have no de- 
 
 fign to do the gods any harm by it) build up fomething of the fame kind, 
 
 by piling mountain upon mountain, till we get to a proper heig.it for our 
 
 profpedt ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 And do you think, Mercury, that wc two, by ourfelves, could lift up 
 
 Pelic^n or Ofla ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Why not ? Do you imagine we are not as able as thofe two boys ? We, 
 
 who are gods too ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Certainly : and yet the thing appears to me fo difficult, that it is almoft 
 
 incredible. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Very poffibly : but you are a novice, Charon, in thefe affairs, and what is 
 worfe, no poet : the noble * Homer put his mountains together fo expedi- 
 tioufly, that, by the help of two verfes only, he fcaled heaven. I am fur- 
 prifed you think this fo miraculous, when you know how Atlas alone bears 
 up heaven, and carries us all upon his fhoulders. You may have heard, 
 perhaps, too, of my brother Hercules, how he got under, in the room of 
 Atlas, and eafed him of his burthen for a little time. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 All this I have heard, moft certainly : but you and the poets can bed tell 
 whether it be true or no. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 All true, Charon, you may depend on it : how could fuch wife men ever 
 tell lies ? Firfl, therefore, as Homer the archited;, and his verfes dlrecft 
 us, let us root up OfTa, then 
 
 On Ofla, Pelion nods, with all his wood. 
 Do not you obferve how eafily and poetically this is done ? Get up here, 
 then, and fee if this will do, or whether we mud pile up fome more: ex- 
 cellent, inde.'d! we are got to the but'om of heaven already, for I can jufl 
 fee Ionia and Lydia from the eaft, Italy and Sicily from the weft, from the 
 north only thofe parts that are near the Danube, and a very little of Crete 
 
 • Homer.'] See the paflage above referred to, hi the eleventh book of the OdyfTey. 
 Vol. I. D d to
 
 202 C H A R O N; Or, 
 
 to the fouth of us; therefore, look you, my tricnd, we muft remove Oeta, 
 
 and put ParnalTus on top of all. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 With all my heart; but let us take care how we weaken the building, by 
 
 raifing it too high, left, if we chance to fall with it, and break our heads, 
 
 we fhould prove Hon:ier a bitter bad archite<ft. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Courage, good Charon, and every thing will go well. Do you move 
 
 Oeta, and roll Parnalius upon it : now I will get up again : all is right ; I 
 
 can fee every thing : come, mount yourfelf. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Mercury, lend me a hand, for this is no little hill that I am to climb up, 
 
 I afllire you. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 If you have a mind to fee any thing, get up ; to be a lover of fights and 
 
 rvin no hazard is incompatible: but come, lay hold of my hand, and take 
 
 care you do not flip ; very well : you are up ; and now, as ParnafTus has 
 
 two tops, do you fit down upon one, and I the other, and we may look 
 
 about us : call your eyes down upon the world below, and you will fee 
 
 every thing. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 I fee a great deal of land, and a kind of large lake round it, with moun- 
 tains, and rivers, wider than Phlegethon or Cocytus; men too, that appear 
 very fmall, and fome of their little hiding places. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Thofe little hiding places, as you call them, are their cities, 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Do you know, Mercury, we have been doing nothing all this while? 
 
 heaping Parnaffus, Oeta, Caftalia, and all your mountains one upon an» 
 
 other to no purpofe ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 How fo ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Becaufe from this eminence 1 can fee nothing diftindlly. Befides, I wanted 
 
 to take a view, not of cities and mountains only, as we may in a map, but 
 
 of mankind j to know what they do, and what they fay : fomething like 
 
 what happened to me when I met you firfl;, and you afked me why I laughed 
 
 fo ; for I had heard a thing that had delighted me prodigioufly. 
 
 M E R.
 
 The S P E C T A T O R S. 203 
 
 i 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 What was that ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 A man was invited by ©ne of his friends to fupper : I will come to 
 
 morrow, fays he, for certain : in the mean time, a tile from the houfe falls 
 
 upon his head and kills him. I laughed at the fool for not keeping his 
 
 promife. But that I may fee and hear the better now, I will even get down 
 
 again. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Be eafy where you are, and I will take care to fharpen your fight with a 
 
 certain charm that I have from Homer : as foon as I have pronounced the 
 
 verfes, obferve now, how clearly you will fee every thing without any ob- 
 
 ftrudtion. 
 
 CHARON. 
 Repeat away. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 * From mortal mills I purge thy fight. 
 
 That men from gods thou may'fl: difcern aright. 
 
 CHARON. 
 How is this > 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Now do you fee ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Perfedlly : Lynceus was blind in comparifon to me ; now infl:ru(ft me, 
 and anfwer when I afk you any thing : but fhall I queftion you out of Ho- 
 mer, to fhew you I am not fuch a ftranger to him as you imagine ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 How (hould a failor, and a ferryman, like you, know any thing of 
 
 Homer ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 You cannot help being fevere upon my profeflion ; but when I ferried 
 
 him over, after his death, I heard feveral of his fongs, and remember fomc 
 
 of them (till. We had a terrible florm, I know, at the time ; for as he 
 
 was repeating one of his rhapfodies, an unfortunate one for the poor failors, 
 
 and telling us how Neptune gathered the clouds together, threw his trident, 
 
 * From mortal m'ljls^ ^f.] See Homer's Iliad, book v. 1. 127. Pope has tranflatedit, 
 From mortal mills I purge thy eyes, 
 And fet to view the moving deities. 
 Which (as in many other places), is not the fenfe of the original, 
 
 D d 2 like
 
 204 CHARON; Or, 
 
 like a hook, into the ocean, and raifed up fo many tempefts ; the fea, as 
 if difturbed by his rhapfodies, rofe in fuch a manner upon us, that, what 
 with ftorm and darknefs, our veffel turned topfy-turvy. The poet grew ] 
 fick and vomited up a heap of verfes on Scylla, Charybdis, and the Cy- 
 clops. 
 
 ^ MERCURY. 
 
 It was eafy enough, indeed, for you to preferve a little, out of fo plenti- 
 ful an evacuation. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 But tell me now 
 
 * What chief is that, with giant ftrength endu*d, 
 Whofe brawny fhoulders, and whofe fwelling cheft. 
 And lofty ftature, far exceed the reft ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Milo, the Crotonian, a famous wreftler : the Grecians are applauding 
 him for carrying a bull over the courfe, a whole furlong. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 How much better. Mercury, Ihall I deferve their applaufe, when I put 
 this fame Milo on board my little boat, as I Ihall foon, when he comes 
 down to us, laid low by the great conqueror, Death, and wondering who it 
 was that tripped up his heels. Then will the memory of thefe crowns and 
 acclamations make him weep and lament : though now he plumes himfelf 
 thus, becaufe he is held in admiration for carrying a bull. What think you ? 
 Does he' ever expedt that he is to die ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 What ! in the height of his profperiiy, think of death ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Well, let him alone, he will make us a good laugh when he comes down 
 amongft us, and, inftead of a bull, will not be able to carry fo much as a 
 gnat. But tell me who is that other venerable figure .> No Grecian, I fee, 
 by his drefs. 
 
 • JJ-^hat chief, tffr.] Thefe are the words of Priam to Helen, when he enquires of her con- 
 cerning the Grecian heroes, in the third book of the Iliad, and are there applied to Ajax. See 
 Pope's tranflation, book iii. 1. 290. As loon as Charon has informed Mercury how he came by 
 fo much learning, he begins to (hew it in his quotations. The lines fuit one hero as well as 
 they did the other» 
 
 M E R-
 
 The S P E C T A T O R S. 205 
 
 MERCURY. 
 That, Charon, is Cyrus, the fon of Cambyfes, who tranfported the em- 
 pire of the Medcs to the Pcrfians, conquered the AlTyrians, took Babylon, 
 and is now planning an excurfion into Lydia, to fubdue Croefus, and be 
 
 mailer of the univerfe. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 And where is Croefus ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Caft your eyes towards yonder fortrefs, with three walls round it ; that is 
 
 Sardis : do not-you fee Crccfus there, fitting on his golden throne, and 
 
 talking with Solon the Athenian ? Shall we liflen and hear what they are 
 
 about ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 By all means. 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 
 Now, my Athenian gueft, after feeing all my riches and treafures, what 
 
 quantities of gold and precious furniture I am pofleired of, tell me, whom 
 
 do you think the happieft of men ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 What do you think Solon will fay to him ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Be eafy about that : nothing unbecoming a great mind, I will anfwer 
 
 for it. 
 
 SOLON. 
 
 Very few in this world, Croefus, are happy : but of all whom I know, 
 Cleobis and Biton, the pritfl's fons, in my opinion, deferve to be ranked 
 amongft the happieft of all mankind. 
 
 CHARON. 
 He means the men of Argos, who lately died, after drawing their mo- 
 ther in her chariot to the temple. 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 Well : grant them the firft place, who deferves the fecond ? 
 
 SOLON. 
 
 * Tellus, the Athenian, who lived well, and died in the fervice of his 
 country. 
 
 * Tellus, t^c."] The converfation of Solon and Croefus is not a fidion of Lucian's, but re- 
 lated by feveral ancient authors. See Plutarch's life of Solon, Herodotus, and Diogenes 
 Laertlus. Tully calls it nota tabula, though it might, after all, have been invented by one 
 
 of them, and, as many other good iloriesare, retailed by all the reft. 
 
 C R CE-
 
 2o6 C H A R O N; Or, 
 
 C R GE S U S. 
 And am not I, thou wretch, do not I deferve to be called happy ? 
 
 SOLON. 
 
 Of that, Croefus, I cannot determine, till your * life Is ended : death is 
 
 the only criterion by which we can judge in thefe matters. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Excellent Solon, for remembering me ! my boat, after all, is the beft 
 
 place for fettling fuch affairs. But who are thofe that Croefus is fending out, 
 
 and what have they got upon their Ihoulders ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Some ingots of gold, which he is making a prefent of to the Pythian, for 
 
 certain oracles, which in the end will be his deQrud:ion : for he is a mighty 
 
 lover of prophets. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 And is that (hining (luff, of a palifli red colour, gold? I have often 
 
 heard of it, but never favv any before. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 That is the famous thing that men quarrel fo much about. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 I fee nothing in it fo extraordinary, except that thofe who carry it feem 
 
 to be heavy laden. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 This is the fource of wars, murthers, robberies, frauds, long voyages, 
 merchandife, flavery, falfhood, and perjury. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 What ! this ! that feems little better than brafs ; for that, you know, I 
 am acquainted with, by receiving a farthing from every paflenger. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 True : but there is plenty enough of brafs, and therefore it is not ef- 
 teemed : but this is dug out from a vaft depth, and in fmall quantities, by 
 the induftrious labourer : the earth produces it as it does other metals. 
 
 * Life.'\ A fentiment no lefs trite than true. Ovid, with his ufual elegance, has turned it 
 thus, 
 
 Ultima Temper 
 
 Expedtanda dies homini, dicique beatus 
 Ante obitum nemo, fupremaque funera debet. 
 
 C H A-
 
 TheSPECTATORS. 207 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Men, bv vour account, muu [>c grcji fouls, to be (o fond of fuch pale 
 heavy llatf as this. 
 
 M E R r u R Y. 
 Bur Solon, you fee, does not leem 1 1 cov t ir ; he laughs at Croefus, and 
 derides the vanity of the Barbarian : he is going tu afk him lomcthing, let 
 us liften. 
 
 . SOLON. 
 
 Tell me, Crcefus, do you think the Pythian flands in need of thefe ingots ? 
 
 C R (E S U S. 
 By Jove, does he : there is not fuch an offering in his whole temple. 
 
 SOLON. 
 
 And you really think, that in the midft of all his treafures, thefe golden 
 ingots will make the god happy ? 
 
 C R (E S U S. 
 Why not? 
 
 SOLON. 
 
 There muft be great poverty in heaven, if the gods vrant gold to be fent 
 
 them out of Lydia. 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 
 Where can they get fo much as from hence ? 
 
 SOLON. 
 
 Have you any iron here ? 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 None at all. 
 
 SOLON. 
 
 Then you want the more valuable metal. 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 
 How can iron be better than gold ? 
 
 SOLON. 
 If you will argue fairly, and without paffion, I will foon convince you. 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 Proceed then. 
 
 SOLON. 
 
 Which is the greatefl, the preferver, or the preferved ? 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 The preferver, moft indifputably. 
 
 SOLON. 
 If, therefore, Cyrus Ihould attack the Lydians, would you make golden 
 
 fwords
 
 208 C H A R O N; Or, 
 
 fwords for your army, or do you think iron ones would not be more ne- 
 
 ceflary ? 
 
 ^ C R CE S U S. 
 
 Iron, no doubt. 
 
 SOLON. 
 
 Yes, or your gold would be carried captive into Perfia, 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 
 Good words, I befeech you, man. 
 
 SOLON. 
 
 Heaven forbid it Ihould be fo : you fee, however, that iron is confefTedly 
 
 better than gold. 
 
 C R CE S U S. 
 
 And would you have me prefent iron ingots to the deity, and call my 
 
 eold back ap;ain ? 
 
 ^ ^ SOLON. 
 
 He (lands no more in need of one than the other : but whether you give 
 
 him gold or brafs, or any thing elfe, it will only fall to the (hare of the 
 
 Phocians, the Boeotians, the Delphians themfelves, or, perhaps, to fome 
 
 royal plunderer ; for the god himfelf cares very little for your gold-makers. 
 
 C R (E S U S. 
 
 You are always railing at, and envying my riches. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 You fee, Charon, the Lydian cannot bear truth and freedom ; it appears 
 ftrange to him that a poor man Ihould talk io openly to him without fear 
 or trembling : but the time will foon come when he (hall remember Solon, 
 when he (liall be taken priloner by Cyrus, and afcend the funeral pile : for, but 
 the other day, I heard Clotho reading over the deftinies of men, where it was 
 written that Croefus fhould be led captive by Cyrus, and Cyrus himfelf (lain 
 by the Ma(ragete : feeft thou that Scythian woman, on the white horfe ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 I do. ■ 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 That is Tomyris, who (hall kill Cyrus with her own hand, and throw 
 
 his head into a vefl'el of blood. But do you fee yonder, that youth ? it is 
 
 his fon Cambyfes : he fhall fucceed his father in the empire, and after many 
 
 misfortunes in Lydia and Ethiopia, kill Apis, and die raving mad. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 O ridiculous I who can bear to fee thefe men looking down fo contemptu- 
 
 ouflf
 
 TheSPECTATORS. £09 
 
 oufly on their fellow-creatures : or who would think that one would fo foon 
 
 be a wretched captive, and the other have his head thrown into a veflel of 
 
 blood ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 But who is that. Mercury, with the diadem and purple robe ? * the cook 
 is prefenting him with a gold ring that he found in a fifh's belly. 
 Ev*n in a f fea-girt ifle — he feems to boaft 
 Of royal pomp. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Well applied, Charon: that is Polycrates, tyrant of Samos, who thinks 
 himfclf completely happy; but he Ihall fall in a moment from the fummit 
 of felicity, be betrayed by his fervant Msandrius, given up to Orstes the 
 fatrap, and hanged on a gibbet : for this alfo did I learn from Clotho. 
 
 CHARON. 
 Excellent Clotho ! go on, moft noble Clotho ; hang feme, behead others, 
 that they may know themfelves to be but men : raife them to the utmoft 
 height, that their fall may be the greater, and their punifhment the more 
 fevere. I Ihall laugh hereafter, when I fee them in my boat, ftripped of 
 every thing, without their purple, their tiaras, or their golden thrones. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 That you moft certainly will. But do not you obferve a large multitude 
 yonder, fome fighting, others failing, fome going to law, others to plough, 
 fome getting money by ufury, others by begging ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 I fee all life full of trouble and labour, crouds of people of every kind, 
 and their cities like fo many hives, where every man is armed with a fting 
 to wound his neighbour, and fome of them, like great hornets, are per- 
 
 * The cook, es'r.] Polvcrates having, as Herodotus tells the fiery, been remarkably fuccefs- 
 ful in every thing he undertook, was advifed by Amafis, king of Egypt, by way of facnfice to 
 Fortune, to part with fomething which he held moft valuable, he, accordingly, took a ring 
 from Jiis finger, of immenfe value, and threw it into the fea ; when lo, to his great aftoniOi- 
 ment, but a few days after, the very fame ring came again to his hands, his cook findmg it in 
 the belly of a fi(h, which had been prefented to the tyrant, and which he immediately earned to 
 him. The ftory adds, that Amafis, hearing of the event, foretold that Polycrates fliould die a 
 violent death. Imagining, we are to fuppofe, that fuch extraordinary good fortune mufl, fome 
 day or other, be followed by an equal calamity. 
 
 t Sea-girt ijle.] Charon quotes part of one verfe in Homer, and part of another, making up 
 one whole hexameter. 
 
 Vol. I. E e petually
 
 2,o CHARON; Or, 
 
 petually driving about and haraffing their inferiors : but what are thofe that 
 hover thus round them unfeen ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Thofe, Charon, are Hope, Fear, Pleafure, Folly, Love of Money, 
 Anger, Hatred, and the reft of the paffions, which are mingled together, 
 and fcattered amongft men, without their knowlcge ; and in the fame city 
 you will find them all. Fear flies aloft, and then defcending, ftrikes ter- 
 ror and amazement into their hearts. Hope, in like manner, hovers over 
 their heads, and, whilil: every man eagerly catches at it, flies away, and 
 leaves the fools gaping with open mouths behind : juft as you have feen 
 Tantalus ferved in th» infernal regions. But, if you look narrowly, you 
 may obferve the Parc^ above, turning fome fpindles with flender threads 
 hanging down over the heads of every one of them, like fpider's webs. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 I fee a little thread tied up on each. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 You do fo ; and the reafon is, becaufe the Fates have decreed that one 
 
 Ihould be killed by one, and another by another. He whofe thread is long- 
 
 efl fhall be heir to him that has the fhort one ; and he fucceeded by another 
 
 who has a ftill longer than himfelf ; their being entangled together forebodes 
 
 fomething of this kind. You fee what a flender thread they all hang by ; 
 
 behold him who is fo exalted above the reft : in a very fhort time he fhall 
 
 find himfelf unequal to the weight he fuftains, the cord will break, and 
 
 he fhall fall with a mighty noife : the other, who is raifed but a little way 
 
 from the eartli, fliall drop in.filence, and even his neareft neighbour fliall 
 
 fcarce hear his fall. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Jt is really pleafant enough. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 O, it is impoffible to fay how ridiculous thefe mortals arc : mark their 
 care and folicit'ude, and obferve how fuddenly death lays hold on them ; fee 
 what a heap of minifters he has, Agues, Fevers, Confumptions, Peripneu- 
 monics. Sword, Poifon, Thieves, Judges, and Tyrants; and yet not one 
 of thefe do they ever think on whilft they are in profperity ; but, when afHic- 
 tion comes upon them, then it is, O me ! and alack, and alas ! Whereas, 
 if they had confidered in early youth that they were but mortals, doomed to 
 
 wander
 
 The S P E C T 'A T O Pv S. 211 
 
 wander for a little while on earth, and quickly to awaken from life, as from 
 a Ihort dream, and leave every thing behind, furely they would live more 
 prudently, and die with lefs relu(5tance : but now, fondly imagining they 
 ihall for ever enjoy their prefent pofl^ffions, when the minifter of death calls 
 upon them, and they are fnatched M'zy on a fudden, they cannot bear to 
 part with life, becaufe they fo little expedted to be torn from it. Obferve 
 thst man, who is urging on the workmen to finifh his houfe with all dili- 
 gence, what would he not rather do, if he knew that he mufl die and 
 leave it to his heir, before he had himfelf once fupped in it ? Look on him 
 who rejoices that his wife has brought him a fon, and entertains his friends 
 on the event, and calls the boy by his own name ; if he knew that the child 
 Ihould die in his fcventh year, would he, think you, be fo happy at his 
 birth ? But he is thinking of one of his neighbours, who is happy in a fon 
 that has conquered at the Olympic games ; and pays no regard to another, 
 who is carrying out his to the lalt fire. Mark what a croud of ufurers there 
 is yonder, * heaping up their gold ; before they will be able to enjoy it, 
 they will be called away by thofe fame meflengers whom I before mentioned 
 
 to you. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 I fee it all, and am refledting within myfelf, what there can be in 
 
 life fo very defireable, that the lofs of it fhould appear fo dreadful to 
 
 them. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Take the happkieft of their fovereigns, thofe who are placed, as we may 
 fay, out of the reach of fortune, you will find more wretchednefs than feli- 
 city amongft them : furrounded as they are with tumults, fears, confpira- 
 cies, hatred, wrath, quarrels, flattery, and difquietude, to pafs over thofe 
 forrows and difiempers, and that perturbation and anxiety of mind, which 
 they have in common with the vulgar : it would take up, in Ihort, as much 
 time to recount their miferies as thofe of their inferiors, 
 
 CHARON. 
 J tell you what, Mercury, I think the lives of mtn. may very properly 
 be compared to ; you mull have feen thofe bubbles that .rife from the rapid 
 
 * Heaping a/, &c.'] Agreeable to the reflexion of the holy Pfalmift, 
 
 *' Man walketh in a vain fliadow, and difq^uieteth himfelf in vain : he heapeth up riches, 
 and cannot tell who (hall gather them." 
 
 E e 2 torrent.
 
 4,2 C H A R O N; Or, 
 
 torrent, and fwell into a foam : fome of them, that are fmall, quickly 
 break and difappear, others laft longer, and meeting with more in their 
 paffage, grow to a larger fize ; but thefe alfo, in a little time, burft, and are 
 dilTolved into nothing ; nor can it be otherwife : fuch are the lives of men ; 
 fome long, fome fhort, fome fwelled up for a time by a momentary blaft, 
 others ceafing to be, almoft as foon as they exift : for all muft break and 
 
 vanifli. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Your comparifon, Charon, is as good as Homer's, who compares them 
 to the * leaves of trees, 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 And yet, fuch as they are, how do men employ them, how eagerly do 
 they contend for honours, wealth, and empire ; all which they muft leave 
 behind them, and come down to us at laft with a fingle farthing ! As we 
 are feated on an eminence, fuppofe I fhould call out to them as loud as I 
 can, and exhort them to leave off their idle purfuits, and, in the midft of 
 life, ever to have death before their eyes : " Fools, as ye are, would I fay to 
 them, why do you feek after thefe things with fo much anxiety ? Ceafe from 
 your labours, for you cannot live for ever : none of thofe things, which 
 now appear fo defirable to you, are eternal ; nor, when you die, can you 
 carry them along with you : naked you muft all depart hence; your houfes, 
 fields, and riches muft go to others, and foon change their mafter." By 
 talking thns to them, could I make them hear, might not, think you, hu- 
 man life be improved, and men grow wifer ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Blefs you, friend ; you know not what flaves they are to ignorance and 
 error : you may bore their ears through before they will hear you : they ftop 
 
 * Leaves^ fe'f .] Like leaves on trees the race of man is found. 
 
 Now green in youth, now withering on the ground; 
 
 Another race the following fpring fupplies, 
 
 They fall fucceffive, and fucceffive rife ; 
 
 So generations in their courfe decay. 
 
 So flourifh thefe when thofe are pafs'd away. 
 
 See Pope's Homer's Iliad, book vi. 1. i8r. 
 
 There is the fame thought in the book of Ecclefiafticus, " As of the green leaves of a thick 
 tree, fome fall and fome grow '. fo is the generation of flefti and blood j one cometh to an end, 
 and another is born.'* 
 
 them
 
 The S P E C T A T O R S. 2,3 
 
 them up with wax, as ^ Ul) fles did thofe of his followers, that they might 
 not hear the fongs of the Syrens. You may drain your voice, therefore, 
 till it cracks again : ignorance is to them, what Lethe is to you. Some few, 
 indeed, there are amongfl: them, whofe ears are not fhut againfl truth, who 
 fee into things with penetration, and know what they are. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Shall I call out to them ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 That would be unnecefTary, becaufe it would be only telling them what 
 they know already : you fee how, withdrawing themfelves from the vulgar, 
 they laugh at the follies of others, not delighted with any worldly enjoy- 
 ments, but meditating their flight from life to the regions below : ihunned 
 and hated by all thofe whofe errors they condemn. 
 
 CHARON. 
 Noble and generous fouls : but thefe. Mercury, are very few indeed. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Thefe, however, mufl fuffice : but let us get down. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 One thing more, Mercnry, I would fain know, and then our tour would 
 
 be complete : I muft take a view of the repofitories for human bodies, which 
 
 are dug in the earth. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 You mean, what they call monuments, tombs, and fepulchres : do you 
 
 obferve, clofe to the cities, thofe heaps of earth, columns, and pyramids ? 
 
 thofe are all receptacles for dead bodies. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Why mull they hang garlands upon them, and anoint them with fweet 
 ointments ? Some are making fires about the graves, digging fofles, pour- 
 ing wine and -f honey into them, and confuming, if I fee right, magni- 
 ficent entertainments in the flames. 
 
 * ^bd^^'] The dudile wax with bufy hands I mould, 
 Then ev'ry ear I barr'd againfl the ft rain, 
 And, from excefs of frenzy, lock'd the brain. 
 
 See Pope's Homer's GdyfTey, book xii. I. 208. 
 f PFtne and honey.'] The ancients made libations to the dead of blood, honey, wine, &c. to 
 render the ghofts propitious. Honey was accounted Sahara av^QoXot, a fymbol, or emblem of 
 death : hence, as fome think, the ghofts of the deceafed came to be termed, pX»vai, the infer- 
 nal gods f*t»X(p(;io», and their oblations ftt»x*y^«T«. See Potter, 
 
 M E R^
 
 2,^ C H A R O N; Or, 
 
 MERCURY. 
 In truth, Charon, I cannot conceive what bulinefs the dead have with 
 thefe things : but they believe that the departed fouls return from the (Iv^des, 
 hover over the fuppers, and, attracted by the fumes, as it were, partake 
 of it, and drink the wine and honey out of the fofs. 
 
 CHARON. 
 What ! dead men eat and drink, whofe heads have no moifture in them! 
 but it is ridiculous to talk fo to you, who carry them down every day, and 
 mufl know whether, after they once get below the earth, they ever return 
 to it again. I fhould be fooliflily employed, indeed, if, with all the bufi- 
 nefs that I have, I Ihould be obliged, not only to carry them over, but to 
 bring them back again to drink. Fools and madmen, as you are, not to 
 know how \vide the diftance is between the living and the dead, and what 
 palTes with us below, where 
 
 * All are the fame, the man who hath a tomb, 
 Or hath it not ; in equal honour there 
 Is the poor Irus, and the great Atrides, 
 Therfites, or the fair-hair'd Thetis* fon, 
 Ail dry and withered are the fculls that dwell 
 In the fair fertile meads of afphodel ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 O Hercules] what a quantity of Homer have you pumped up ! and now, 
 you put me in mind of it, I will fhew you the tomb of Achilles ; look, yon- 
 der it is, by the fea fide, near the cape of Sigseum ; over againft it Ajax was 
 
 buried, in Rhsetium. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 It is not very magnificent : but fhew me thofe famous cities, which we 
 hear fo much about in our lower regions, Nineveh, the refidence of Sarda- 
 napalus ; Babylon, Mycenc, Clcone, and Troy itfelf: I remember carrying 
 over fo many from thence, that, for ten years together, I could never get my 
 boat afhore, or have time to refit her. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Nineveh is totally deftroyed, nor is the leafl vcftlge remaining of her, to 
 
 * Alt are thefame^ tsV.] This is a parody of Homer, conlifting of paflages and expreffions, 
 felcfted from different parts of his works, and humouroufly applied by Lucian to his fubjed. 
 
 point
 
 The S P E C T A T O R S. 215 
 
 point ont where fhe once flood. Yonder is Babylon, furrounded by an ex- 
 ten five wall, and defended by many rowers ; in a few years, fhc, like * Nine- 
 veh, will be no more, and you may fearch for her in vain. As for Mycene, 
 and Cleone, I am afhamed to fhew them to you, and, above all poor Troy : 
 for I know, when you rerurn, you will throttle the poor bard for his magni- 
 ficent encomiums : thefe were all in their time flcurifliing and happy, but 
 they are gone; cities, like men, mud perilh : and, what is more aftonifh- 
 ing, whole rivers alfo, infomuch that not the leall: remains of Inachus are 
 now to be found in Argos. 
 
 CHARON. 
 What, Homer, then avail thy pompous titles of facred Troy, fo famed 
 for her broad ftreets. 
 
 Well built Cleone, &c. 
 
 But fee, whilft we are talking, who are thofe yonder, that fight fo, what is 
 the caufe of their quarrel ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Thofe, Charon, are the Argives and Lacedaemonians, with their dying 
 general -j- Othryades, ereding a trophy, and writing his own name upon it 
 
 in his own blood. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 What is the caufe of the war ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 The very field on which they fight. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 O the folly of thefe mortals, who are fo ignorant as not to fee, that if every- 
 one of them were now mafters of all Peloponnefus, a little fpot of fcarce a 
 foot long, muft be all they fhall receive from ^acus hereafter ; another and 
 another owner fhall till this field, and with their ploughs tear up the trophy 
 from its foundation. 
 
 * Nineveh.'] Swift feems to have had this pafTage in his eye, when he wrote the following. 
 
 If neither brafs nor marble can withftand, 
 The mortal force of Time's deftrudive hand ; 
 If mountains fink to vales, if cities die, 
 And lefs'ning rivers mourn their fountains dry ; 
 When my old caflbc (faid a Welch divine), 
 Is oat at elbows, why fliou'd I repine ? 
 
 f Othryades.] See Ovid's Faft. book il. 1. 665. 
 
 M ER.
 
 2j6 CHARON, &c. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 It muft, indeed, be fo : but let us get down ; put thefe mountains in 
 their places again, and away, I to my bufinefs, you to your boat. I {hall 
 be with you foon, on my old errand. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Mercury, you have highly obliged me, you ihall be enrolled amongft 
 the great * benefa<ftors, and I will fet you down amongft my beft friends, 
 for helping me to this agreeable tour. What wretches are thefe mortals ! 
 kings, hecatombs, battles, riches, are all they talk and think of ; but not 
 a fyllable of Charon. 
 
 * BenefaBors.'] The word «KpyiTHf, or benefa<Slor, was frequently ufed in public infcriptlont, 
 coins, ilatues, &c. 
 
 O N
 
 O N 
 
 SACRIFICES. 
 
 In this little TraB feveral Parts of the ancient Theogony, with many of the 
 ahfurd Stories propagated by the Poets, are fever ely ridiculed. 
 
 WHEN we confider howridiculoufly men ad with regard to their facrl- 
 fices, folemn fealts, and fupplicatioiis to the gods ; what they pray 
 for to, what they expedt from, and what they think of them, I know not 
 whether any of us, be he ever fo grave or melancholy, can refrain from 
 laughing, who beholds the folly of it. But, before he laughs, might he 
 not afk himfelf, whether thofe fhould be called good and pious, or rather on 
 the contrary, miferable wretches, and enemies to the gods, who can fup- 
 pofe the divine nature fo mean and illiberal as to want the aid of man to 
 rejoice in flattery, and to be angry when neglected. For all the calamities 
 of ^tolia, the misfortunes of the Calydonians, all the battles and flaugh- 
 ter, with the deftrudtion of ^ Meleager, all, it feems, was the work of 
 Diana, who was incenfed at being forgotten in the facrifices ; fo heinoufly 
 did fhe refent the affront. I fee her, methinks, left all alone in heaven, 
 whilft the reft of the gods were gone to Oeneus, lamenting her fate, and 
 complaining what a noble feaft fhe had been difappointed of. Thrice happy, 
 on the other hand, muft we efteem thofe ^^thiopians, whom Jupiter fo 
 kindly remembered; becaufe, as we read in the beginning of Homer's poem, 
 
 • Meleager. -\ The (lory Is briefly thus : Oeneus, king of Calydon, a city of .Etolla, made a 
 facrifice to all the gods, in gratitude for a year of remarkable plenty in his kingdom ; but hap- 
 pening, either by chance, or dcfignedly, to forget Diana, fhe refented the neglea, and fent a 
 furious wild boar, who ravaged the whole country. Meleager^ the fon of Oeneus, deftroy- 
 ed the boar; but a quarrel afterwards arofe, ftirred up, it feems, by the goddefs, between the 
 Curetes and the ^tolians, about the head and Ikin of the beaft : each party claiming them as 
 the reward of their valour : the ^tolians were worfled, and on the brink of dcdruaion, but 
 were faved at hil by the valour of Meleager. For a full account, fee Ovid. Met. book viii. 
 Homer's Iliad, book ix. and the firit book of ApoUodorus. 
 
 Vol. I. F f . tbev
 
 2i8 On sacrifices. 
 
 they feafled him, and the reft of the gods whom he carried along with him, 
 for twelve days. Thus, nothing, it ftiould feem, of all they do, will they do 
 without being paid for it, but fell all forts of good things to mankind : one, 
 perhaps, buys health of them for the fmall price of a heifer ; another gets 
 riches for four oxen •, a third purchafes a kingdom with a hecatomb ; for 
 * nine bulls a man may return from Troy, fafe and found to Pylos ; but 
 the paflage from Aulis to Ilium will coft a -j- royal virgin, i Hecuba pur- 
 chafed the redemption of Troy, of Minerva, for twelve oxen, and a fine 
 garment. Many things, however, we mull fuppofe will come cheaper, and 
 may be bought of them for a cock, a garland, or even a little common in- 
 cenfe. For this reafon, I fuppofe, Chryfes, the high-prleft, an old man, 
 and well fkilled in divine matters, after his unfuccefsful attack on Agamem- 
 non, expollulatcs with Apollo, whom he had bribed high for his favour, 
 afks a proper return for it, and, fcarce refrains from abufe, when he fays, 
 § " Thy temple, O good Phoebus, unadorned before, with garlands often have 
 I crowned with them, and with the thighs of many a bull and goat have I 
 fattened thy altars ; but thou thinkefl no more of me, who have fuffered fo 
 much, and holdeft in no efteem him who has deferved fo well of thee." This 
 fpeech made the god fo much alhamed of himfelf, that he took up his ar- 
 rows, placed himfelf on an eminence near the fhips, and fmote the Greci- 
 
 * For nine bulls.'] When old Neflor returned from Troy, to Pylos, his native country, he 
 offered up feven oxen to Neptune, in gratitude, as Lucian intimates, for his fafe delivery. Te- 
 lemachus, when he landed at Pylos, found him engaged in this pious office. See Homer's 
 Odyfley, book iii. the beginning. 
 
 f Royal virgin,'] Iphigenia, daughter of Agamemnon. This florj' is too well knowotoftand 
 in need of any illuftration. 
 
 X Hecuha, i=^c.] See the fixth book of Homer's Iliad, where Hedor retires from the battle, 
 on purpofe to tell Hecuba to make this facrifice : 
 
 Twelve young heifers, guiltlefs of the yoke. 
 
 Shall fill thy temple with a grateful fmoke : 
 
 But thou, aton'd, by penitence and prayer, 
 
 Ourfelves, our infants, and our city fpare ! Pope's Tranflatlon. 
 
 § Thy temple.] Alluding to thofe lines fpoken by Chryfes, in the beginning of the Iliad : 
 
 If e'er with wreaths I hung the facred fane, 
 Or fed the flames with fat of oxen llain ; 
 God of the filver bow, &c. 
 
 Lucian puts the words into profe, and adds fomething of his own, the better to turn it into 
 ridicule. 
 
 2ns,
 
 On S A C R I F I C E S. 219 
 
 ans, mules, dogs and all, with the pcftilence. And, nov/ I ^m fpeaking 
 of Apollo, I will mention fome things, which the learned report concerning 
 him. To pafs over his unfortunate amours, the llaughter of Hyacin- 
 thus, and Daphne's contempt of him, he was condemned for killing the 
 * Cyclops, was baniflied, by f oflracifm, from heaven to earth, and fen- 
 tenced to live like a mere mortal : he ferved in Thcflaly with Admetus, 
 and In Phrygia under Laomedon j with the latter, indeed, not alone, but 
 in company with Neptune, both of them making bricks, and hiring them- 
 felves out, from mere want, to build walls, for which they fay the Phry- 
 gians never paid them their whole wages, but to this day owe them above 
 thirty Trojan drachmas. 
 
 How many things of this kind have the poets mod gravely and pom- 
 poufly related concerning the gods j how manv, flill more folemnly, about 
 Vulcan, Prometheus, Saturn, Rhea, and almoft all the family of Jupiter ! 
 and this they do, in the beginning of their poems, not without invoking thfe 
 gods to aflill: them in their fongs, where, infpired, as it feems, by the deity, 
 they recite, how Saturn cut off his father Heaven, and reigned in ir, and 
 eat up his children, like the Grecian Thyeftes; and how, moreover, Jupi- 
 ter Rhea having privily put a flone in the room of him, was expofed in 
 Crete, and nourilhed by a goat, as Telephus was by a hind, and Cyrus, 
 the Perfian, by a dog; how, afterwards, he expelled his father, threw him 
 into prifon, and took poffeflion of his kingdom : how he took many wives, 
 and, laft of all, Juno, his own filler, according to the laws of the Perfians 
 and Affyrians : how general a lover he was, and fo given to venery, that he 
 
 * The Cyclops.'] Apollo lamented much the death of his fon jEfculapius, but, not being able 
 to revenue his death on Jupiter, turned his refentment againll the Cyclops, who made the thun- 
 der and iTcrhtning which was fuppofed to have deftroyed that famous phyfician. Pluto, it feems, 
 hadcomptainedw Jupiter, that his dominions were thinned by the numbers of people whom 
 ^fculaplus had cured, and confcquently, kept upon earth. Jupiter, in compliment to his bro- 
 ther, immediately knock'd him o' the head. How few modern phyficians run the hazard of 
 Jupiter's difpleafure on this account ! 
 
 + OPacifm ] 0re«'c.<7^o?, fo called from the aflemblies giving their votes in an orpv.,», or 
 fl-.ell This was a kind of popular judgment, or condemnation, peculiar to the Athenians, be- 
 ing 1 fentence of banlftment againft perfons whofe extraordinary power and influence were 
 thought dangerous to the date. It generally laired for ten years, but the baniH-^ed perfon had, 
 during the whole time, the enjoyment of his eftate. No lefs than (ix thoufand citizens muft be 
 in the aflembly when the decree was pafled. 
 
 F f 2 foon
 
 220 
 
 On sacrifices. 
 
 foon filled heaven with his offspring; fome of celeftial breed, others of ter- 
 reftrial ; moft benevolently transforming himfelf into a bull, or a fwan, or 
 an eagle, or a fhower of gold : more changeable than Proieus himfelf. How 
 he begot Minerva alone, out of his own head, and conceived her in his 
 brain : as to Bacchus, we are told, who was fnatched, half-formed, from 
 his burning mother, he hid him in his thigh, and when the labour-pangs 
 were over, cut him out again. 
 
 Something of the fame kind do they fmg concerning Juno, that, without 
 knowlege of man, fhe brought forth Vulcan, whom fhe conceived by the 
 * wind, that unfortunate dirty black-fmith, a dealer in brafs and fire, living 
 in perpetual fmoke, furrounded with furnaces and flames, fhort of one leg, 
 and lame from the fail he received, when Jupiter threw him out of heaven ; 
 if the Lemnians, indeed, had not kindly received him, there would have 
 been an end of our Vulcan, who had perifhed like Artyanax, thrown from 
 the tower. All this is tolerable : but who has not heard of Prometheus, and 
 what he underwent, for loving mankind too well ! and how Jupiter fent 
 him to Scythia, hung him upon mouni Caucafus, and placed a vultur near 
 him, to feed every day upon his liver. 
 
 He has fuffered fufficiently. Rhea too (for this likewife fhould, perhaps, 
 be mentioned) ; how indecently did fhe adt, and unworthy of herfelf, an old 
 woman, as {he is, and worn out, the mother of fo many gods, to love the 
 boys, to be jealous, to put the lions to her car, and take her Attis about 
 with her; one, befides, who can be of fo f little fervice. If thefe things 
 are fo, who can be angry with Venus for her adulteries, or Luna for flop- 
 ping fo often half way to meet her Endymion ? 
 
 But, to fay no more of this, let us take poetical licence, and get up at 
 once into heaven, by the fame road as Homer and Hefiod travelled thither, 
 and fee how every thing above is adorned and beautified. That the outfide 
 
 * The «a'/W.] Pliny believed conceptions of this kind to be probable, and relates them as 
 matters of fa£l. It is told likewife of Spanifh mares. This idea gave rife to an excellent pam- 
 phlet, publiflied fome few years ago, abounding with wit and humour, under the title of Ly- 
 cina fine Concubita, to which I refer my readers, if it is now to be purchafed. 
 
 ■\ Little fer'vke,'\ 
 
 Virilia enim ipfi fibi excidunt : unde poflea 
 
 Cybelis facerdotibus mos i!}e. See La<n-antius. 
 
 is
 
 On sacrifices. 
 
 221 
 
 IS * brafs, we know from Homer. As foon as you come in there, raife 
 your head up, and peep about you, or lay along upon your back, and look 
 at it, the light becomes more clear, the fun emits a purer ray, the ftars 
 fhine brighter, we meet with perpetual day, and a golden pavement. At 
 the entrance of it are the Hours, who open the gates, then appear Iris and 
 Mercury, the minifters and meflengers of Jove, then Vulcan's work-fhop, 
 filled with inftruments of every kind : then comes the refidence of the gods, 
 and the palace of Jupiter : all the beautiful work of the lame deity. 
 
 •j- And now Olympus* fhining gates unfold ; 
 
 The gods, with Jove, affume their thrones of gold. 
 
 (For when you get into heaven you muft fpeak pompoufly), and look down 
 upon earth, calling their eyes on every lide, to fee if there are any fires 
 lit, or any fumes from the fat rifing up before them : if any facrifices are go- 
 ing forward, they feafl upon the fmoke, and fuck in the blood from the 
 altars, like fo many flies. When they fup at home, they have nothino- but 
 ncdtar and ambrolia. Formerly, mortals were admitted to eat and drink 
 with them ,• Ixion, for inftance, and Tantalus ; but they were infolent, and 
 told tales, for which they fulTer to this day, and from that time heaven has 
 been inacceffible to men. 
 
 Such is theiife of the gods. Agreeable to it, and fuch as might be cx- 
 pe(fled, is the religion of men; they hallow groves, dedicate mountains, 
 make birds facred, and give to every god his favourite plant. Various na- 
 tions worfliip various deities, and make them fellow-citizens; the Del- 
 phian and Delian has his Apollo, the Athenian his Minerva, (the J name 
 
 * * £rq/s.'\ Thetis, in the firfl book of the Iliad, ftys to Achilles, 
 
 Then will I mount the hrazcn dome — — 
 
 But in the fourth book, Iloiner talks of the gods being met, •)qvciu in^rmi^u,, in golden pave- 
 ments. Pope, for what rcilbn I know not, has turned this pavement into a throne— they 
 
 Affume their thrones of gold. 
 
 Lucian probably mentions thefe two expreffions on purpofe to ridicule them, as contradidory 
 to each other. 
 
 ■f And novj Olympus,'] See Iliad, beginning of book iv. 
 
 % The name.'] The city of Athens took its name form A^nm, Athene, Minerva, its proted- 
 refs. 
 
 fufficiently
 
 222 
 
 On sacrifices. 
 
 fufficiently points out the affinity), the Arglve his Juno, the Mygdonian his 
 Rhea, the Paphian his Venus; and, as to Jupiter, the Cretans afTert, not 
 only that he was born and bred up amongft them, but fliew his tomb alfo : 
 we have therefore been miflaken all this time, in fuppofing that Jupiter 
 thundered, and rained, and did every thing elfe, and forgot that he was 
 dead, and buried with the Cretans. 
 
 When they have built temples for them, left they fhould be without a 
 houfe, or an altar, they procure images and refemblances of them, calling 
 in the affiftance of a * Praxiteles, Polycletus, or Phidias : thefe, though 
 how they came to the -f fight of the gods I know not, give you an exadt re- 
 prefentation of them : Jupiter has a long beard, Apollo is for ever young. 
 Mercury juft approaching to manhood, Neptune has his blue hair, and 
 Minerva her blue eyes. Thofe who enter the temple, behold not the In- 
 dian ivory, or Thracian gold ; but the very fon of Saturn and Rhea is 
 brought down upon earth by Phidias, and ordered to prefide over the Pe- 
 fasan deferts, and to think himfelf well off, if, at the Olympic games, 
 once in "^ five yeais, any one, perchance, Ihall honour him with a facri- 
 fice. 
 
 When the altars, and the edicfls, and the luftral vafes, are prepared, they 
 bring the vidim ; the hufbandman his plough-ox, the Ihepherd his fheep, the 
 goat-herd his goat ; fome offer a cake, or a little incenfe ; and a very poor m,an, 
 perhaps, appeafes the deity only by kifling his hand. But, to return to the 
 
 * Praxiteles, ^c] The three eminent fculptors of Greece. 
 
 •f To the Jight.'\ Agreeable to this idea of Lucian's, is a very pretty epigram, which we meet 
 with in the Anthologia, which payt no Uttle compUment to one of the ingenious artifls above- 
 mentioned, and which is thus tranflated by Addifon. Venus is fuppofed thus to addrefs Praxi- 
 teles. 
 
 Anchlfes, Paris, and Adonis too, 
 Have feen me naked, and expos'd to view : 
 All this I frankly own, without denying ; 
 But where has this Praxiteles been prying ? 
 
 + Finje ycars.'\ The Olympic games, celebrated at Olympia, a city of Elis, in honour of 
 Olympian Jupiter, returned every five years, becaufe, according to Paufanias, the brothers,- 
 called the Idsi Daftyli, of whom Hercules, the founder of thefe games, was the elder, were 
 five in number. They lafted alfo five days. For a tull and comprehenfive view of this fubje6V, 
 I would refer my readers to the late learned Mr. Gilbert Weft's Diflertation, fubjoined to his 
 excellent tranllation of Pindar, 
 
 facrificers ;
 
 On S A C R I F I C E S. 223 
 
 facrificers ; they crown the anitiral with garlands, firfl taking care that it is 
 whole and pcrfedt, that nothing impure and unworthy ihould be offered 
 up; they lead it then to the altar, and, in fight of the god, murther it; 
 the creature making a melancholy noife, which they interpret as a lucky 
 omen, and accompany the dying founds with the flute: who can fuppofe 
 but that the gods mufl be highly p'eafed with fuch a fight? 
 
 The edict fets forth, " rhat none mufl: dare to enter into the interior 
 part of the temple with impure hands;" but the high-prieft, himfelf, flands 
 all over blood, like the ^ Cyclops, pulling out the heart and the entrails, 
 -jf fprinkling the blood upon the altars, and performing every thing that 
 is good and pious; then, lighting the fire, he places on it the goat with his 
 Ikin, and the flieep with his wool on : then a holy fume, worthy of the 
 deity, afcends, and penetrates into, and diffufes itfelf by degrees, all over 
 heaven. The Scythian leaves all vidtims, which he thinks an ignoble fa- 
 crifice, and offers up men at the altar of Diana : and with this the goddefs 
 is well pleafed. 
 
 Thefe cufloms, perhaps, are not worfe than what we meet with amongft 
 the Phrygians, Lydians, and Affyrians. But if you go into Egypt you 
 will fee many things truly worthy of heaven and the gods : Jupiter with 
 the face of a ram, the noble Mercury with that of a dog, Pan a goat 
 all over; one in the fhape of ^ ibis, another of a crocodile, another of 
 an ape. 
 
 § But, if flill more it is thy wilh to learn, 
 
 there you will hear fophifts, fcribes, and prophets, with their heads 
 fhaved, who will tell you, (crying out beforehand, drive away the pro- 
 phane from thefe doors), that the gods, afraid of the rebellion of their 
 enemies, the giants, fled into JEgypt; where, in hopes of being concealed, 
 
 * T/je Cyclops.'^ Polypheme. See Homer's Odyfley, book xli. 
 
 -f- Sprinkling the hlood^ Is^c.^ This part of the heathen facrifice, we find pracflifed by the 
 Hebrews in the Mofaic dlfpenfation. " In the place where they kill the burnt-offering (hall 
 they kill the trefpafs -offering, and the blood thereof fliall be fprinkled roundabout the altar.'* 
 Levit. vii. 
 
 + /3//.] Crocodilon adorat 
 
 Pars hac, Ilia paret faturam ferpentibus Iberi. 
 For a full account of ^Egyptian worfhip, I refer my readers to the Menfa Ifiaca of Pignorius. 
 
 § But if y ts'c-.] From aline in Homer. 
 
 they
 
 224 On S A C R I F I C E S. 
 
 they took the fhapes, one of a goat, another of a ram, every one, In fhort, 
 that of feme beaft or bird ; and that this was the caufe of their appearing 
 ill fuch forms to this day. Thus has it been written above ten thoufand 
 years ago, in the inner parts of the temples. 
 
 With regard to the facrifices amongft them, they are the fame as the 
 others, except that they Hand round, and weep over the vidtim that is 
 flain : others bury after they have deftroyed it : but if Apis, the chief of 
 their gods, dies, who is it that prizes their hair fo much as not to cut it 
 off immediately, and fhew his naked grief upon his head, even if he had 
 the purple locks of Nifus ? Apis, you muft know, is a god feleded from 
 the herd, voted fo for his excellency, being han'dfomer and more vener- 
 able than the common oxen. Thefe tales are believed by the multitude, 
 who want only an Heraclitus, or Democritus ; one to laugh at their folly, 
 the other to deplore their ignorance. 
 
 SALE
 
 THE 
 
 SALE OF PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 A DIALOGUE. 
 
 The Title of this Dialogue in the Original is B»w» n^ao-»?, which Tranjlators have 
 interpreted^ Vitarum Auctio, or, the Auction of Lives : but where there 
 is no Bidding one upon another, we cannot ^with any Propriety, call it an Audtion: 
 we havey indeed, no Authority to fuppofe the Ancients acquainted with this 
 Method of felling Goods, at leaf, according to our modern Idea of it ; 
 I have therefore called it, zvhat it certainly is, The Sale of Philoso- 
 phers, whom LuciAN thinks proper to put up, as fo many Slaves, in the 
 Market-Place. The abfura Tenets, Modes, and Principles of every Se6i are here 
 expo fed with infinite Humour. It may not be improper to obferve, that throughout 
 this Dialogue, by the Life of the Philofopher, {a peculiar mode of Expreffion) is un- 
 derjiood, the Philofopher himfelf 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 PREP ARE the feats there, and get the place ready for the company ; 
 bring out the goods in order, but brufh them up firfl, that they may 
 appear handfome, and invite cuftomers to purchafe them. You, Mercury, 
 mull be crier, and give notice to the buyers to affemble at the place of fale : 
 we intend to fell philofophers of every fed and denomination whatfoever : 
 if they cannot pay ready money for them, they may give fecurity, and 
 we will truft them till next year. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 A large croud is already aflembled : we muft have no delay, 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Begin the fale then. 
 
 MERCURY. ^ 
 
 Who Ihall we put up firfl ? c> • — ■ ^* >4| 
 
 Vol. I. 
 
 Gg JUPI.
 
 22,6 The SALE of PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 This Ionian, with the * long hair ; he feems to be a refpedable perfonage, 
 
 MERCURY. 
 You, Pythagoras, come down here, and ihew yourfelf to the company. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Now cry him. 
 
 ^ ' MERCURY. 
 
 Here o-entlemen, I prefent you with the bed and moft venerable of the 
 whole profeffion. Who bids for him ? Which of you wilhes to be more 
 than man ? Which of you would be acquainted with the f harmony of the 
 univerfe, and defire to live a fecond time in the world ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 The appearance of him is not amifs ; but what is his principal fkill in ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Arithmetic, aftronomy, prognoftics, geometry, mufic, enchantment ; a 
 tip -top prophet, I affure you. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 May I alk him a few queftions ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 A(k him, and welcome. ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^^ 
 
 What countryman are you ? 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 
 A Samian. 
 
 * Lon? hah:] Pythagoras, lamblichus calls him, 'o w Zafxw KofA»rr»if, the Samian with the 
 long hair. See alfo Diogenes Laertius. 
 
 -}■ Harmony of the unl'verfe, fffc] Pythagoras afferted that the world was made according to 
 mufical proportion ; and that the feven planets, betwixt heaven and the earth, which govern 
 the nativities of mortals, have an harmonious motion, and intervals correfpondent to mufical 
 diatonics, rendering various founds according to their feveral heights, fo confonant as to make 
 the fweeteft melody, or what we call the harmony of the fpheres. He likewife told us, which 
 we may believe or not as we think proper, how many liadia there are betwixt the earth and 
 every rtar ; from the earth to the moon is 12600 ftadia, and that dillance, according to mufi- 
 cal proportion, is a tone ; from the moon to Mercury, half as much, or a hemitone ; from 
 thence to Phofphorus (the ftar Venus), another hemitone ; from thence to the fun, a tone and 
 a half: thus the fun is dilknt fpjm the earth, three tones and a half, or diapente ; from the 
 moon, two and a half, or diateflaron ; from the fun to Mars, one tone, from thence to Jupi- 
 ter a hemitone ; from thence to the higheft heaven, another hemitone ; from heaven to the fun, 
 diateflaron ; and from heaven to the top of the earth, fix tones, or a diapafon concord : he re- 
 ferred, moreover, to other ftars, many things which the ancient muficians treat of, and held 
 thftt »11 -the world was enharmonic. See Stanley's Life of Pythagoras. 
 
 ^ I D-
 
 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. ^^^ 
 
 BIDDER, 
 Where were you educated ? 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 In ^gypt, amongft the wife men there. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 Well, and if I buy you, what will you teach me > 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 I Ihall teach you nothmg, but recall things to your memory. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 How will you do that ? 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 By firft purifying your foul, and wafhing away the unclean parts of it. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 But fuppofe it is purified already, how are )'ou to recall the memory ? 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 
 Firft by long repofe, filcnce, and faying nothing for * five whole years. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 This may be good inftrudlion for the f fon ofCroefus; but I want to 
 
 talk, and not to be a ftatue. And, after this five years filence, what is to be 
 
 done next ? 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 
 You will be exercifed in mufic and geometry. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 An excellent method, indeed ; fo we muft be fidlers firft before we can 
 
 be wife men. 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 
 Then you muft learn figures. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 I can count already. 
 
 * For five Kuhole years.'\ The Injundioii of five years filence, faid to be laid by Pythagoras oh 
 all his difciples, probably meant no more, than a prohibition from attempting to teach or in- 
 ftrud others, till they had fpent that portion of time in fully acquainting thcmlehes with every 
 part of his doftrine : an injun£lion very proper in every age, and which would not be unfervice'- 
 able in our own, by preventing many of our raw young divines from expofing themlelves in the 
 pulpit, before they have read their Greek Tefiament. 
 
 f Son of Crcefus.'] This alludes to the following ftory. The fon of Croefus, king of Lydla, 
 who was born dumb, and had continued fo to the age of maturity, attending his father to battle, 
 faw a foldier, in the heat of the engagement, lifting up his fvvord over the head of Croefus ; the 
 apprehenfion of a father's imminent danger worked fo powerfully on the mind of an affectionate 
 child as on a fudden to loofen his tongue, which had been tied up for fo many years and he 
 cried out immediately, *' Soldier, do not kill Croefus." 
 
 G g 2 P Y-
 
 228 The SALE of PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 
 How do you count ? 
 
 ■^ BIDDER. 
 
 One, two, three, four 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 
 There now ; you fee : what you call * four are ten, the perfed triangle, 
 and our great oath. ^ j ^ D E R. 
 
 Now, by the great oath, the holy four, never did I hear fuch facred and 
 
 divine difcourfe. . ^ ^ -n a o 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 
 After this, ftranger, I will inftrudt thee concerning the earth, and the 
 
 water, and the fire, what their action is, what their body, and how they 
 
 are moved. , ^ ^ t< t. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Have fire, air, and water, a Ihape then ? 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 Mod manifeftly ; for without form or body how could they be moved ? 
 hence you will learn that god himfelf is number and harmony. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 Wonderful, indeed! 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 Befides this, I fhall convince you, that you yourielf, a feeming individual, 
 appear to be one, and in reality are another. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 How fay you ? that I, who now converfe with you, am not myfelf, but 
 
 another ? 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 
 At prefent you are here, but formerly you appeared in another body, and 
 
 under another name, and, hereafter, you Ihall be changed into a different 
 
 perfon. 
 
 • Four are ten."] i.e. I, 2, 3, 4, makeup ten. — The Pythagoreans, feeing they could not 
 cxprefs incorporeal forms and firft principles, had recourfe to numbers. Four, or the tetrad, 
 was efteemed the moft perfedl number, the primary and primogeneous, which they called the 
 rootof all things. Ten is the tetraftys, or great number, comprehending all arithmetical and 
 harmonical proportion. All nations, Greeks and Barbarians, reckon to that, and no fiarther. 
 Now the tetrad is the power of the decad, for before we arrive at the perfeftion of the decad, 
 we find an united perfedion in the tetrad, the decad being made up by addition of i, 2, 3, 4. 
 See Stanley's Hiftory of Philofophy, p. 381. 
 
 This whimfical kind of rcafoning, as pradifed by the Pythagoreans, was a fine fund of ridi- 
 cule for the laughing Lucian. _ 
 
 BID-
 
 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. 229 
 
 BIDDER. 
 Sayeft thou that I Ihall be immortal, and put on different forms ? but 
 enough of this. How are you with regard to diet ? 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 I eat no animal food ; but abftain from nothing elfe, except beans. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 And why do you hate beans ? 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 They are facred, and their nature is marvellous : in the firft place, they 
 are all over genitals ; take a young bean, and ftrip the fkin off, and you 
 will find it an exadt reprefentation of the virile member and its appurtenances. 
 Moreover, if you leave it in the open air for a certain number of moon- 
 light nights, it will turn to blood. And what is more, the ^ Athenian law 
 enjoins that their magiitrates (hall be chofen by a ballot of beans. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 Wonderful is all thou haft faid, and worthy of a facred charafter : but 
 ftrip, for I muft fee you naked. O Hercules ! he has got a -f golden thigh : 
 furely he is no mortal, but a J god. I muft buy him by all means. What 
 
 do you value him at ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Ten minsB. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 I will give it : he is mine. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Write down the buyer's name, and whence he comes. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 He feems to be an Italian, and one of thofe who inhabit that part of 
 
 • The Athenian /rtiy.] The moft ancient way of determining matters in courts of juftice was 
 by black and white fea-fhells ; they afterwards ufed pellets of brafs, which were at length ex- 
 changed for black and white beans, a mode of ballotting which we have ourfelves adopted. Lu- 
 cian, after mentioning other fuperftitious notions of the Pythagoreans with refpecft to beans, 
 humoroully introduces this, which he fuppofes might be juft as good a reafon for abflaining 
 from beans as any of the reft. 
 
 f A golden thigh ] The ftory of the golden thigh is mentioned by Porphyry, Jamblichus, and 
 feveral other writers. Origen alone has turned the golden into an ivory one. 
 
 I But agod.'\ Alluding to thelaftof what are generally called the Golden Verfes of Pytha- 
 goras. 
 
 Thou fhalt not be a mortal, but a god. 
 
 Greece
 
 230 The SALE of PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 Greece which lies round about Croton and Tarentum : the truth is, he is not 
 bouc^ht by one, but by three or four hundred of them, who are to poffefe 
 
 him in common. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Well, let them take him away : bring out another. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Would you have that dirty fellow, from Pontus ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 By all means. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Hark ye ! you round-lhoulders, with the fatchel on your back, come this 
 
 way, and walk round the bench. Here is a character for you, gentlemen, 
 
 manly, noble, free : who bids here ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 What is that you fay, cryer ? fell a freeman ! 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Yes. 
 
 B L D D E R. 
 
 And are not you afraid he Ihould fummon you to the Areopagus for mak- 
 ing him a flave ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 He never minds being fold ; for he thinks himfelf free in every place, 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 But what ufe can I make of fuch a dirty ill-looking fellow ! unlefs I 
 wanted a digger, or a water-carrier. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 he is fitter for a porter at j'our door ; you will find him faithful as a 
 dog; * a dog, indeed, he is called. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 What fort of a fellow is he ; and what does he profefs himfelf? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Alk him, that is the beft way. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 1 am afraid, by his fierce furly countenance, that he will bark at me 
 when I come near him, or perhaps bite : do not you fee how he takes up 
 his ftaff, knits his brow, and looks angry and threatening ? 
 
 • A dog indeed. "l For the appellation I refer the reader to a former note. Lucian's account 
 of the Cynic philofopher is excellent. 
 
 M E R.
 
 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. ^31 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Do not be afraid of him, he is quite tame. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 In the firfl place, then, good man, of what country are you ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Of all countries. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 How is that ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 I am a citizen of the world. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Who are you a follower of ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Hercules. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 I fee you refemble him by the club ; have you got the lion's fkin too ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 My lion's fkin is this old cloak : I wage war, like him, againfl: pleafures, 
 
 not, indeed, by * command, but of my ovyn^ free will, appointed to reform 
 
 the world. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 A noble defign : but what is your art, and in what does your principal 
 
 knowlege confill ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 I am the deliverer of mankind, the phyfician of the paffions, the prophet 
 
 of univerfal truth and liberty. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Well, Mr. prophet, if I buy you, in what manner will you inftrud me ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 I Ihall take you firfl, flrip you of all your finery, put you on an old 
 cloak, keep you poor, make you work hard. He upon the ground, drink 
 water, and take what food you can get : if you have any riches, at my com- 
 mand you mufl throw them Into the fea : wife, children, and country you 
 mufl take no notice of, deeming them all trifles ; you muft leave your father's 
 houfe, and live in a fepulchre, fome deferted tower, or a tub. Your 
 fcrip, however, fhall be full of lupines, and parchments, fcrawled over 
 
 * By command.'\ The labours of Hercules were all performed by command of Euryflheus, at 
 the inftigation of Jiino. 
 
 on
 
 232 The SALE of PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 * on the outfide. In this condition you fhall fay you are happier than the 
 
 f great king. If any body beats or torments you, you Ihall think it no 
 
 hardfhip, nor complain of it. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 How ! not complain when I am beaten : I have not the fhell of a crab or 
 
 a tortoife. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 You fhall fay, with a very little alteration, what Euripides did. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 What's that? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 J My mind is hurt, but my tongue fliall not complain. But now, mind 
 how you are to behave : you muft be bold, faucy, and abufive to every 
 body, kings and beggars alike ; this is the way to make them look upon 
 you, and think you a great man. Your voice Ihould be barbarous, and your 
 fpeech dilTonant, as like a dog as poffible ; your countenance rigid and in- 
 flexible, and your gait and demeanor fuitable to it : every thing you fay 
 favage and uncouth : modefty, equity, and moderation you muft have no- 
 thing to do with : never fuffer a blufh to come upon your cheek : fcek the 
 moft public and frequented place, but when you are there defire to be alone, 
 and permit neither friend nor ftranger to afTociate with you ; for thefe things 
 are the ruin and deftrudion of power and empire. Do that boldly, before 
 every body, which nobody elfe would do even in § private, and let your 
 amours be as ridiculous as poffible: at length, if you chufe it, you may die 
 with eating a raw \\ polypus, or an onion. And this felicity I heartily wilh 
 you may attain to. 
 
 * On the outfide.'] People of fafliion never wrote but on the infide of the parchment, though 
 the poorer fort made ufe of the outfide alfo. Juvenal alludes to this in his firll Satire, 
 Scriptus et in tergo, &:c. 
 ■j- The great king.'] The king of Perfia, 
 
 Ariftophanes in his Plutus, ver. 170. 
 
 So Horace alfo, 
 
 Perfarum vigui rege beatior. 
 J My mind, &€.] See the Hippolytus of Euripides, y. 612. 
 
 § In private.] Quid ego de Cynicis loquar ? fays Laftantius, quibus in propatulo coire cum 
 conjugibus mos fult? Sic Crates cum uxore palam in poecile rem habuit. 
 
 II A ra%v polypus.] Alluding to the death of Democritus, who, fome fay, died in this manner. 
 Laertius, however, aflures us, that he lived to the age of a hundred, and died of old age. 
 
 B I D-
 
 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. 253 
 
 BIDDER. 
 Away with thee : thy tenets are filthy, and abhorrent to humanity. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 But hark ye, friend, after all, mine is the eafieft way, and you may go it 
 without any trou ie ; it is a fhort cut to glory, you will want no education, 
 learning, or trifles < f that fort : be you ever fo ignorant, a coblcr, a faufage- 
 monger, a blacl fmith, or a futler, you will not be a whit the lefs admired, 
 provided you have but impudence enough, and a good knack at abufe. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 I want you nor for fuch things : you may ferve, however, by and by, for 
 a failor, or a gardener, if he will fell you for two oboli. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Aye, aye, take him ; for he is fo troublefome, makes fuch a noife, and is 
 fo abufive and infolent to every body, that we Ihall be glad to get rid of him. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Come, call up another : let us have that Cyrenian there, in purple, with 
 the garland on. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Now, gentlemen, draw near : this a valuable commodity, indeed, and 
 demands a rich purchafer. The fweet, the lovely, the thrice happy : which 
 of you longs for pleafure ? Which of you buys my mofl » delicate of all 
 philofophers ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 Come this way, you, and tell me what you know; I will buy you if you 
 are good for any thing. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Donotdifturb him, friend, nor afk him any queflions; for he is fo 
 tipfy, and his tongue faulters fo, he cannot anfwer you. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 What man in his fenfes then would buy fuch a debauched good-for-no- 
 thing fellow ! How he fmells of ointment ! daggers as he walks, and goes 
 all a-wry ! but tell me yourfelf. Mercury, what is he good for? 
 
 * Moji delicate, l^c.'\ Ariftippus (fee Stanley), chief of the Cyrenaic feft of philofophers: 
 he leaned to the doctrine of Epicurus, and, from what we can gather concerning him, was ra- 
 ther of bafe principles. Pope, however, has put him into better company than Lucian, if now 
 alive, would probably think him fit for, 
 
 Like Ariftippus, or St. Paul, 
 
 — Grow all to all. 
 
 Vot. I. H h 
 
 M E R-
 
 234 The SALE of PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 M E R C U Pv Y. 
 To fimi up his charadter, he is a boon companion, and an excellent to- 
 per; very fit, in company with a fidler, to Wait upon a luxurious and intri- 
 guing matter ; an expert cook, extremely knowing in dainties, and, in 
 fliort, a perfedt mafter in the fcience of luxury. He was brought up, and 
 ferved under the tyrants of Sicily, with whom he was in high efteem : the 
 whole of his philofophy confilb in treating every thing with indifference, 
 enjoying as much as he can, and induftrioufly fearching after pleafure where- 
 
 ever it can be met with. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 You mufl look for another buyer amongft the rich and great ; I cannot 
 afford to purchafe fuch a very merry companion. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 I fancy, Jupiter, he muft flay with us, for nobody will buy him. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 Let him ftand on one fide. Bring out another, or let us have thofe ^ two, 
 one from Abdera, that is always laughing, the other from Ephefus, that is 
 for ever crying : we will fell them both together. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Come down, you, and fland here in the middle. Take notice, gentlemen, 
 1 am putting up two of the beftand wifefl philofophers in the world. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 O Jupiter ! what a contraft ! one never ceafes laughing, the other feems 
 to lament the lofs of fomebody ; for he is weeping perpetually. Hark ye, 
 you, what do you laugh at ? 
 
 DEMOCRITUS. 
 Can you afk me ? Every thing you have is ridiculous, and you yourfelves 
 
 as ridiculous. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Sayeft thou fo ? You laugh at us all then, and think every thing we have 
 
 is of no value ! 
 
 DEMOCRITUS. 
 
 Mofl certainly : there is nothing ferious in them : all is vanity : the fport 
 
 of atoms : all infinite, all undefinable. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 No fuch thing : you are vain indeed, and undefineable yourfelf. What 
 
 * STwo.] Democritus and Heraclitus. 
 
 irifolence !
 
 The sale op PHILOSOPHERS. 235 
 
 infolence ! you will never have done laughing— But now to you, friend, for 
 you I had rather talk with : what is it you cry for ? 
 
 HERACLITUS. 
 Stranger, I think all the affairs of men deferve our lamentation and our 
 tears, nor is there any thing belonging to them that is not doomed to mifery ; 
 therefore do I weep and lament. The prefent evil 1 hold not fo great, but 
 thofe to come are terrible indeed : the burning and total deftrudion of all 
 thincrs. I lament that nothing is firm and permanent, but all mixed, as it 
 were, into one bitter potion, * painful pleafure, Ignorant knowlege, great 
 is fmall, and high is low, for ever turning about and changing in the child- 
 hood of human life. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 What then would you call life > 
 
 HERACLITUS. 
 
 A child playing, throwing marbles about, and quarrelling. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 What are men ? ,^ „ 
 
 HERACLITUS. 
 
 Mortal gods. 
 
 And what the gods ? 
 
 Immortal men. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 HERACLITUS. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 You talk in riddles and f griphi, friend; like the Loxian Apollo, you 
 fpeak nothing clear or intelligible. 
 
 HERACLITUS. 
 I trouble not my head about you. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 Nobody, therefore, in their fenfes will purchafe you. 
 
 HERACLITUS. 
 I command you all to weep, buyers or no buyers, great and fmall, one 
 with another. 
 
 * Painful pleafurer^ Tl(!^^K «Tf^.n. The followers of Heraclitus talked alfoofxavo? a-^x^^u 
 ucro(poiao(p^a, «asC„? .vcr.?.:., with a hundred other quainrnefles of the fame kind, merely to 
 puzzle and perplex. Hippocrates, in his treatife De Diata, gives a particular account ot 
 Heraclitus's philofophy, to which 1 refer my readers. 
 
 + Gnpbi.] The gnphi were not very different from our riddles and conundrums, though they 
 re<iuired, perhaps, a little more learning to unravel them. See Athenxus, book x. 
 
 H h 2 BID-
 
 236 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 This borders upon melancholy madnefs. 1 will have nothing to do with 
 
 either of them. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Neither of thefe, then, will go off, I find 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Put up another. 
 
 ^ MERCURY. 
 
 Would you have the Athenian ? the prating man ? 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Aye. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Come hither, you Sir : here, gentlemen, is the good, the prudent, the 
 
 mofl holy : who bids for him ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Tell me. Sir, what are your perfedions ? 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 I am fond of boys, and a great proficient in the art of love. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Then I muft not buy you, for I wanted a tutor for my child, wh« Is very 
 
 handfome. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 And who is fitter than myfelf to take care of a beautiful youth ? I am no 
 
 lover of the body ; it is the beauty of the foul that I admire ; be not alarmed, 
 
 though they lie under the fame * covering with me, they will tell you I 
 
 never hurt them. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 A lover of boys, and think of nothing but their minds ! under the fame 
 
 covering too. It is rather incredible. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 By the •f' dog and plane-tree, but it is fo. 
 
 * The faf'e covering.'] The ftory, here alluded to, is told at large by Alclbiades, in the Sym- 
 pofium of Plato, to which I refer the curious reader. Lucian is not the only writer who has 
 attacked the charader of Socrates with regard to his paederafly. The filence, however, of co- 
 temporary authors on this head, particularly Ariftophanes, who treated him fo ieverely in other 
 refpefts, feems to exculpate him from any crime of this nature. 
 
 ■f By the Jog.] That is, by Cerberus ; this is called Vu^a^juv^Mi o^xo^, the oath of Rhada- 
 manthus, who, it feems, made a law that his fubje<fts fhould fwear thus (for a very good rea- 
 fon), t/Trtp ra (/.n rue Ssa; cjn Trao-»» onof^a^nv^ that they might not make ufe of the names of the gods 
 on every trifling occafion : Socrates, therefore, did it confcientioufly, and with a pious inten- 
 tion. Lucian's making him fwear this ftrange oath puts us in mind of Bobadil's fwearing by the 
 foot of Pharaoh, &c. 
 
 B I D-
 
 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. 237 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Hercules ! what ftrange kind of gods to fwear by ! 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 How ! is not the dog a god ? Knowefl thou not how great Anubis is in 
 ^gypt, and Sirius in heaven, and Cerberus in hell ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 You are right ; I was miftaken : but what is your manner of living ? 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 1 live in a certain city, which I built myfelf, in a new * republic and 
 
 abide by my own laws. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 I Ihould be glad to hear one of them. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 I will tell you one that I made, the greateft of them all, concerning wo- 
 men : it is enadted, that none Ihall be the property of any particular perfon • 
 but that as many as pleafe may come in for a fliare of her after marriage. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 How is that ! annul the laws againft adultery ! 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 Aye, by Jove, and put an end at once to all the idle talk about fuch 
 
 trifles. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 And what have you decreed with regard to boys in the flower of their 
 
 youth ? 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 Thefe are referved for the good and brave, as their reward after any noble 
 and great adtion. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 What amazing generofity ! But what is your great difcovery, the crown 
 as it were, of your wifdom ? 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 The ideas and refemblances of things : for know, of whatever thou be- 
 holdeft, the earth, and all belonging to it, heaven, and the fea on the out- 
 fide of this world, there are certain invifible images. 
 
 * ^ repuhlic.^ Alluding to Plato's famous trad De Republica. My readers will obferve 
 that this account of Socrates is meant by Lucian as a ridicule on every part of the Platonic phi- 
 k)fophy. 
 
 B I D-
 
 ai38 The SALE pF PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 B I V J> \E tR. 
 
 And where are they ? 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 No where ; * if they could be in any place, they would not be at all. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 I fee no fuch images as you talk of. 
 
 SO C R A T E S. 
 And no wonder; for the eyes of your foul are blinded: but I fee the 
 images of all things ; I fee another body of thine, not vifible to the corpo- 
 real eye, and another of myfelf : every thing, in fhort, is double. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 You are fo wife, and fo Iharp-iighted, I muft purchafe you — What do 
 
 you alk for him ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 You muft give me two talents. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 I take him at that price. I will pay you the money prefently. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 What is your name ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 + Dion of Syracufe. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Take him away, and fpeed you well with him. Now, Epicurus, I muft 
 call you. Who buys him ? This, gentlemen, is a J difciple of the laugh- 
 ing philofopher, and the drunken one, whom I juft now put up to fale : he 
 has the advantage of them both in one thing, that he has more wickednefs 
 in him. Moreover, he is very good-natured, and a great lover of eating. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 What is the price of him ? 
 
 M E R C U R Y. 
 
 Two minse, 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Take them : but tell me what food is he moft fond of ? 
 
 • IftheycouU, fe'c] See Stanley's Plato. The Platonic doctrine of ideas is, to fay the 
 truth, very obi'cure and unintelligible, as may be feen by confulting the works of that philofo- 
 pher, and Lucian has accordingly reprefented It in the moft ridiculous light. 
 
 -f- Dion of Syracufe.'] See Cornelius Nepos's Life of Dion. Diodorus Siculus tells us, that 
 Plato was fold in Sicily for twenty minae. Book xv. p. 46 1 , 
 
 \ A dfciple^ i^c] Epicurus is called a difciple of Democritus, becaufe he adopted his the- 
 ory of atoms ; and of Ariftippus alfo, becaufe his ideas of fenfual pleafure were fuppofed to co- 
 incide, in a great meafure, with thofe of that celebrated philofopher, 
 
 M E R.
 
 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. 239 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 He lives upon fvveet things, fuch as have the tafle of honey, particularly, 
 
 figs. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 They are eaiily procured : I will buy him a load of — good * Carians, 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Call another : him yonder, with the bald pate and forrowful countenance, 
 
 from the portico. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Well thought on : for a number of people are got, I fee, about the mar- 
 ket-place, in expectation of him. I am now, gentlemen, going to fell the 
 moft perfect of all men, virtue itfelf: which amongft you is defirous of 
 
 engrofling all knowiege ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 What fayeft thou ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 He alone is wife, he alone is beautiful, juft, brave, a rhetorician, a legi- 
 
 flator, a monarch, and what not ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 An excellent cook too, I fuppofe, a cobler, a fmith, and fo forth. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 So it feems. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Come this way, friend, and tell me, for I am going to buy you, what fort 
 
 of a man you are : and firft of all, inform me, whether you are not fadly 
 
 chagrined at being fold thus for a Have. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 Not at all : thefe things are not in our own power, and what is not in 
 our power Ihould be indifferent to us. 
 
 BIDDER, 
 I do not underftand you. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 Not underftand me ? do not you know that fome things are f preferable 
 
 and others rejedtable ? 
 
 B I D- 
 * Carians.'\ i. e. Carian figs : the bed figs came from Rhodes, thofe of Caria were an infe- 
 rior fort, and generally given to flaves, and for this reafon, as being cheaper, they are preferred 
 by the purchafer of Epicurus, for whom he thinks they would be good enough, 
 
 f Pre/eraUc] See Stanley's account of the Stoics. It would take up more time than either 
 I or my readers have to fpare, to explain all the tenets and opinions here alluded to. I muft 
 
 refer
 
 240 The SALE of PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Still unintelligible. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 Maybe fo : you are not accuftomed to our terms, nor have the faculty 
 
 of cataleptic perception ; but the learned, who underftand the rationale of 
 
 things, not only know this, but can tell the difference between the fymbama 
 
 and parafymbama. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Symbama and parafymbama! in the name of philofophy, I intreat thee 
 let me know the meaning of them : for I know not how it is, but the har- 
 mony of thefe words ftrikes my ear mod furpriflngly ; do not refufe me. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 1 will not : fuppofe a man that is lame hits his lame foot againft a ftone, 
 and is fuddenly wounded, now the lamenefs which he had before was fym- 
 bama, or the accident ; and the wound which he got over and above is the 
 parafymbama, or accident upon accident. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 How ingenious ! What elfe are you famous for ? 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 Word- nets, which I catch every body in that talks to me : I hedge them 
 in, and dumb-found them immediately ; and this I do by my renowned fyl- 
 
 logifm. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 A mofl powerful and invincible faculty indeed ! 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 Obferve now : fuppofe you have a little boy. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Well, what then ? 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 If by chance, as he is rambling by the river fide a * crocodile fhould 
 
 feize upon him, and promife afterwards to reftore the child to you, on 
 
 condition that you tell him truly whether he had determined at that time, 
 
 refer the curious, therefore, to Diog. Laertius, Cicero DeFinibus, and, above all, to the ex- 
 cellent Stanley's Hiftory of Philofophers, and (hall never enter into a full explanation of the 
 terms but when it is abfolutely neceffary. 
 
 • A crocodile.'] This fpecies of argumentation, quibble, quiddity, or whatever we may chufe 
 to call it, takes its name, like the reft, from a ridiculous and improbable circumftance, invent- 
 ed for the purpofe, and is amongft thofe abfurdities, the bare mention of which, without any 
 remark or illuftration, renders it fufficiently ridiculous. 
 
 in
 
 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. 241 
 
 in his own mind to reftore him or not : what would you fay was the croco- 
 dile's refolution ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 You have afked me a queflion not eafy to be refolved, nor can I poffibly 
 
 anfwer it. I befeech you anfwer it yourfelf ; left, before 1 am able to do ir, 
 
 my boy fhould be devoured. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 Never fear : I will teach you more wonderful things than this. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 What are they ? 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 * The reaper, the ruler, the Eledtra, and the maik. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 What do you mean by the mafk, and the Eledlra ? 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 I mean Eledra, the famous daughter of Agamemnon ; who knew fome- 
 thing, and at the fame time knew it not. When Orelles flood before her 
 undifcovered, Ihe knew Oreftes was her brother, but (he knew not that he 
 who flood before her was Oreftes. 
 
 But now you fhall hear the maik, that moft admirable of all fyllogifms. 
 Anfwer me, now, do you know your own father ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Aye, fure. 
 ^ CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 Suppofe then a man ftanding before you mafked, and I afk you, do you 
 
 know this man ? What would you fay ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Certainly : that I did not know him. 
 
 • The reaper, trV.] " Sophlfmatis hujus (fays the famous annotator M. du S.) memlnerunt 
 alii antiqui fcriptores, nemo autem esemplum affert unde certo quid fuerir, conflet :" and a little 
 after fpeaking of the ruler, " hujus, fays he, Diog. Laert. oblitus videtur, nee quid fit, con- 
 ieaura aflequi poffum." M. du S. we fee fairly, acknowledges, with regard to both the reaper 
 and the ruler, that he cannot tell what they were, nor does he know how to explain them. 
 It is a talk, therefore, which I (hall not prefume to undertake : though, by raking painfully 
 into the duft of antiquity, all thefe ilrange riddles might probably be folved: but the reader, I 
 hope, will think with me, that, " il ne vant pas la peine." Chryfippusandhis followers had, wc 
 are told, a great many more of thefe pretty fophifms of different appellations, fuch as the So- 
 rites, Achilles, Cornuta, Nemo, and feveral others, equally ridiculous with thofe which Lu- 
 cian 'laughs at : thefe were adopted and improved upon by our fchoolmen in the fourteenth and 
 fifteenth centuries. 
 
 „ , II C H R Y- 
 
 Vol. I. * *
 
 24i The SALE of PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 And yet that very man was your father : if you did not know him, there- 
 fore, it is plain you do not know your own father. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 True; but if he was unmalked, I Ihould know him well enough. But, 
 inform me ; what is the end of all your wifdom, and when you are arrived at 
 the perfedion of virtue, how will you adt ? 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 Follow nature, and enjoy her bleffings, as riches, health, and fo forth ; 
 but firft we muft labour hard, pore over fmall written manufcripts, collect 
 commentaries, abound in * folecifms and obfcurity ; and, to crown all, you 
 can never be a wife man without taking three draughts of hellebore. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 All this is noble, and worthy of a man; but, tell me, to be a ufurer (for 
 fo you feem to intimate), does that too become the man who is purged with 
 hellebore, and arrived at the perfection of virtue ? 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 Moft certainly : only the wife (hould be ufurers : for to -f fyllogize, you 
 know, and to fcrape together is the fame thing : moreover, it becomes the 
 wife man, not only to take intereft, but intereft upon intereft ; for knoweft 
 thou not that there is a firft ufury, and likewife a fecond ufury, the daughter 
 of it ? you fee, therefore, what the { fyllogifm fays, if the wife man may 
 take the firft ufury, he may take the fecond ; now he does take the firfl, 
 ergo, he may take the fecond. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 We may fay the fame thing then with regard to the ftipend you receive 
 from your pupils, whence it plainly appears, that none but good men take 
 a reward for teaching virtue. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 You are perfe(ftly right ; nor do I take it for my own fake, but for the 
 
 • Solecifms,'] See Watts's Logic. 
 
 ■j- Tofyllngize^ i^c.'\ The wit of this depends on the fimilarity of found between two Greek 
 words of different fignifications : but puns, as Addifon obferves, are untranflatable. 
 
 + The fyllogifm.'] Lucian's obfervation here is no lefs arch than true, and in ridicule of the 
 ancient philofcphers, tends to fliew, that by puzzling fyllogifm, and falfe reafoning, men may 
 prove any thing; and not only this, but immediately after, by the fame method, prove the di- 
 rect contrary, as appears in the example of the flonc which followst 
 
 fake
 
 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. 243 
 
 fake of him that gives it tome; for as one man mufl be the pourer in, the 
 other the pourer out, is is proper I Ihould be the former, and my difciplc 
 
 the latter. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 I thought you faid juft the contrary : that the young man took every thing 
 
 in, and that you, who alone are rich, were the pourer out. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 You make a jeft of it : but take care I do not fhoot at you with my * in- 
 
 demonftrable fyllogifm. 
 
 ^ ^ BIDDER. 
 
 And what am I to fear from that arrow ? 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 Eternal doubt, everlaftlng filence, and total diftradtion of mind. This 
 moment, for inflance, if I have a mind, I can prove you to be a ftone. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 Into a ftone, fay you ? You are a f Perfeus then, it feems. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 Thus, then, I proceed : is a ftone a body ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Certainly, « ^ r, o 
 
 ^ CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 And what is an animal, is not that a body ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 No doubt of it. ,r o T T^ n TT e 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 And are not you an animal ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 So it feems. , ,. ,, tt o 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 If you are a body, therefore, you mull be a ftone. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 By no means: but for heaven's fake fet me free, and make me a man 
 
 again, as I was before. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 So I will, with all the eafe in the world : anfwer me now, is every body 
 
 an animal ? 
 
 * JndemonJirahJe.'] See DIogen. Laert. 
 
 t A Perfeus,^ Alluding to the weU-known flory of the Gorgon's head, \\-hich turned the 
 
 beholder into flone. « ^ « 
 
 112 BID.
 
 244 The SALE of PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 BIDDER. I' 
 
 No. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 Is a flone an animal ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 No. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 Are you a body ? 
 
 BIDDER. ^y 
 
 Certainly. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 Being a body, you are an animal ! 
 
 BIDDER. 
 True. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 Being an animal, therefore, you cannot be a ftone, 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Very well done, indeed ; the vital fpirit was jufl: departing, and my limbs, 
 
 like Niobe's, began to petrify. I will buy you, however ; what is the 
 
 price of him ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Twelve minse. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Here, take the money. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Do you purchafe him for yourfelf only ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 No : for all thefe that you fee here. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 A fine number of them, indeed, rare broad-fhouldered fellows, and 
 
 fit for "^ reapers. 
 
 JUPITER. 
 
 Come, let us have no delays ; call out another. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Come forth, you f Peripatetic there, the beautiful, the rich : now, gen- 
 tlemen, who buys my wifell of all philofophers, fkilled in every fcience. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 What is he famous for ? 
 
 * Forreapers.'\ Ta Sep^oi/to? ^oya a|to», fays Lucian, i. e. digni qui collegant manipulas, aut 
 opus agrls faciunt : proper fellows for reapers, alluding to the fophifm above mentioned, called 
 by that name. 
 
 i Peri'paietlc.} Ariftotle. , • 
 
 M E R-
 
 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. 245 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Temperance, jiiftice, knowledge of life, and, above ail, for his * double 
 
 charadier. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 What do you mean ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 He appears one thing without, and another within ; remember, there- 
 fore, before you purchafe him, fome call him efoteric, and fome exoteric. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 What are his principal tenets ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 That the f fummum bonum confifts in three things, in the foul, in the 
 body, and in externals. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 He feems to have great knowledge of mankind. What do you afk for 
 him ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Twenty min^e. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 A great price ! 
 
 MERCURY. 
 By no means, friend ; for he feems to have fomething rich about him, 
 fo that you would be no loferby the purchafe : befides, he can tell vou how 
 long a flea lives, to what depth the fea is lighted by the fun, and what fort 
 of foul oyfters have. 
 
 BIDDER, 
 O Hercules ! what a curious difcuffion ! 
 
 MERCURY, 
 What would you fay if you were to bear his infinitely more fubtle difco- 
 veries concerning feed, and generation, and the formation of embryos in; 
 the womb ; and how man is a rifible animal, and an afs neither a rifible ani- 
 mal, nor a building, nor a failing one. 
 
 * Double chara^er.'] Alluding to Ariftotle's ra? ^a7a? taur^^ovi raj ^.aXExrixej, ciurtfiy.ti; th^ 
 §r,Toptxa?, the cloftrine vt AriO-jtle, we are told, was of two kinds, exoteric, and acroacic : under 
 the firl^ were ranked rhetoric, meditation, nice dlfputes on the knowledge of civil things ; under 
 the other, the more remote and fubtle philofophy, the contemplation of nature, and dialedlve. 
 difceptations. See Stanley's Life of Ariilotle. 
 
 ■j- SuTftmum honum.'\ Ariilotle held that the fummum bonum, or greateft poffible beatitude 
 confifted in the fundTion of perfed life, according to virtue ; and the ufe of virtue, according 
 to nature, without any impediment. 
 
 B I D.
 
 245 The SALE OF PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Moft wonderful dodtrlnes, indeed, and amazingly ufeful ! I will give 
 
 you twenty for him. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Very well. Who have we left ? O, this Sceptic, you * Pyrrhian there, 
 
 {land forth, that you may be fold immediately: numbers are going away, I 
 
 fee, and the fale mull be amongft a very few. Now, gentlemen, who buys 
 
 him ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 I will : but firft tell me, you, what do j^ou know ? 
 
 fPHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Nothing. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 What do you mean ? 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 That nothing appears to me to be certain. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 And are we nothing ourfelves ? 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 That I am not certain of. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 And do you know yourfelf to be nothing ? 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 That I am fllU more in doubt about. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Strange perplexity ! but what are thofe fcales for ? 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 In them I weigh the reafons on each fide, and when I find the balance 
 
 equal on both, conclude that I know nothing. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 And can you do any thing elfe well ? 
 
 * Pyrrbia."] Meaning Pyrrho, the famous fceptic ; as he is putting up to fale, he calls him 
 Pynhia, the name of a ll;ive. 
 
 f Philofophcr.^ As nothing remains in the original but the initial letters 4>IA. the commen- 
 tators are in doubt whether Lucian meant the contraftion Phil, for Philofopher, or the famous 
 fceptic Philo. I have preferred the former, becaufe Pyrrho, the founder, had been mention- 
 ed befo-e, and Lucian did not mean to change the perfon, but only to call him by the general 
 name of philofopher ; it is a matter, however, of iio great confeciuence which name we call 
 him by. 
 
 PH •
 
 The sale of P H I L O S O P H E R S. 247 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Every thing, but overtake a fugitive. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 And why not that ? 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 Becaufe, friend, 1 cannot * apprehend him. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 1 believe you, for you feem very lazy, and very ignorant : but what Is 
 the fum of all your knowlege ? 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 To learn nothing, to hear nothing, and to fee nothino-. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 And fo, you fay, you are deaf and blind. 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Aye, and, moreover, without fcnfe or judgment, and in nothing differ- 
 ing from a mere worm. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 With all thefe good qualities, I fhall certainly buy you ; what do you 
 
 think him worth ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 An Attic mina. ' 
 
 BIDDER. 
 There it is : what fay you, friend, have I f bought you ? 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 That remains a doubt. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 By no means, for I have bought and paid for you. 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 That I mufl confider on, and call in queftion. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 Follow me, however, as a fervant ought. 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 Who knows whether you fpeak truth or not ? 
 
 * Jpprehend him.'] » Kctru\a.(i.Quni. «* KaTaM/x^««i,, fays a learned commentator, ad intellec- 
 tus facultatem creberrime referunt Sceptici, negantque aliquid a fe Comprehend!." The word 
 apprehend, luckily anfwers exaflly to the original in its double fenfe. 
 
 t Have I bought you.] The Sceptic's doubting, after all, whether he was bought or not, and 
 whether any body was prefent, are fine ftrokes of true humour. The whole fatire on the ab- 
 furdityof univerfalScepticifin, is, indeed, inimitable. 
 
 B I D.
 
 248 The sale of PHILOSOPHERS. 
 
 BIDDER. 
 
 The crier there, ray money, and every body here prefent, 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 And are there any prefent ? 
 
 BIDDER. 
 I fhall throw you into tlie * mill, and convince you that I am your maf- 
 
 ter, by + chirology. 
 
 PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Of that I beg leave to doubt. 
 
 BIDDER, 
 By heaven, but I have determined it already. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Ceafe contradidting, and follow your mader. 1 invite you all here, gen- 
 tlemen, tomorrow, when I fliall fell you fome common people, lawyers, 
 mechanics, and fo forth. 
 
 * The mill.'] This was a common punllhment, both amongfl: the Greeks and Romans. Te- 
 rence always /ends his flaves ad plilnnum. 
 
 •j- Chirology. '\ The eritics explain this paffiige, by telling us that the «^«TTa' Xoyo;, or beft 
 kind of argument, was that which, by dint of fophifms, could make the weaker caufe appear 
 theilrongeft; and, on the contrary, the rrrw, or ;n;£(()w Xoyoj, was the worft, or weakert kind of 
 aro-ument, which made even a good and juft caufe appear to be a bad and unjuftone : and this is 
 the argument by which the buyer was to convince the philofopher that he was in the wrong, 
 Lucian, however, feems to me, in this place, though it is not fuggefted by any of his commen- 
 tators, to play upon the word ^Eifw, and to intimate that the philofopher fliould be convinced 
 by the hand argument (in the fame manner as we fay argumentum baculinum), or a good 
 beating, which I have ventured to render by the word chirology, which may be applied to 
 both meanings. 
 
 THE
 
 THE 
 
 FISHERMAN, 
 
 A DIALOGUE. 
 
 the excellent Satire of the preceding Dialogue, apparently aimed at the falfe Philo- 
 fophers of Antiquity^ who, to fpeak in the Language of Scripture, profeffing 
 themfelves to be wife, became Fools, had fo alarmed the zvhole indignant Race, 
 that they fell upon Lucian, we may fuppofe, as the Heroes of the Dunciad did 
 on Pope, with no [mail Degree of Acrimony and Refentment. In the following 
 Anfwer to their Accufations^ he defends himfelf infuch a Manner, as mujl con- 
 vince every impartial Reader, that he was an Enemy, not to true, but falfe 
 Philofop'.y. This Dialogue is called the Fisherman, from a very laugh- 
 able Circumflance, introduced towards the End of it. the whole abounds with 
 good Senje, Wit, and Humour, 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 PELT, pelt the rafcal with ftones upon ftones; at him again with clods; 
 cover him with fhells, bruife him with (laves : do not let him get 
 away from you : at him, Plato ; at him, Chryfippus ; and you, and you : 
 let us make a phalanx of Ihields, and fall upon him all together : 
 
 ^ Let ftaves on flaves, on pouches pouches fall, 
 Each ftrengthen each, and all encourage all. 
 
 He is our common enemy, and there is not one of us whom he hath not 
 abufed. Now, Diogenes, if ever, ufe your club, and do not fpare him : 
 let the blafphemous wretch fufFer the puniftiment he has deferved ; 
 
 f Now call to mind your ancient trophies won, 
 
 Your great forefathers' virtues, and your own. 
 
 * Letjlaves^ i£c.'\ A parody on that verfe in Homer, 
 
 fij ^^T^ (pfjjTgD^i» a.^,yri, (fvXa h (pyAoJj. H. book B', 363. 
 
 In tribes, and nations, to divide thy train, 
 His feparate troops, let every reader call, 
 Each Hrengthen each, and all encourage all. 
 
 Pope's Homer's Iliad, book ii. 1.431. 
 f Novj call to mi/tit.] See Homer's Iliad, book xi. 1. 287. 
 
 Vol. I. K k Ariftotlc,
 
 250 The. FISHERMAN. 
 
 Ariftotle, make more hafle : that is right : the wild beaft is taken : we have got 
 
 you, rafcal, and will teach you foon who it is you have calumniated. What 
 
 fliall we do with him ? Let each of us find out a different way of killing 
 
 him, fo we fhall all be revenged : he ought to fuffer * feven deaths from 
 
 every one of us. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 f Let him be crucified. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 But firfl, by Jupiter, I will have him whipped. 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 Diff out his eyes. 
 
 PYTHAGORAS. 
 
 Better pluck his tongue out. 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 What fay you, Empedocles ? 
 
 EMPEDOCLES. 
 
 Throw him into the furnace of mount ^tna, that he may take heed for 
 
 the future how he abufes his betters. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 O, bed of all ! like Orpheus, or Pentheus, let him be torn to pieces 
 
 amongfl the rocks, that every one of us may take a bit of him before wc go. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 O do not, do not ! fpare me, I entreat you, by fuppliant, befriending Jove, 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 It is decreed, and nothing can fave thee. Hear what J Homer fays— 
 and expedt nothing but 
 
 * Sfven licaihs.'] That is, feven deaths from each of the feven phllofophers whom he had 
 abufed : thus each man was to revenge, not only his own caufe, but that of every one of his 
 brethren, who had fuffered the fame indignity : this, no doubt, was the fummum jus, which is 
 fo often and fo truly called fumma injuria. 
 
 -j- Let him, fe'i-.] The tranfcribers of Lucian have here, in my opinion, much injured the 
 original, by putting all the punifhments into the mouth of Plato, as the fatire is certainly more 
 pointed by dividing them, as I have done in the tranflation : Plato is for hanging, Socrates for 
 whipping, Chryfippus for digging out his eyes, and Pythagoras (who the reader will remember 
 enjoined faience to his followers), is for cutting out his tongue: whereas, by making Plato 
 fpeak the whole, all the humour and propriety is loft. 
 
 Swift had probably this palTage of Lucian in his view, in his humorous account of the poifon- 
 ing Edmund Curl. 
 
 X Homer fay!.'] Part of Achilles' furious fpeech to He6lor, when he is going to kill him. See 
 Pope's Komer's Hi;;d, book xxiii. 1. 338. 
 
 Such
 
 The F I S H E R M A N. 251 
 
 Such leagues as men and furious lions join. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 Let Homer, then, (peak for me alfo; perchance you will revere his 
 words, and not defpife the reciter. 
 
 * Spare a good man, and, for the life I owe. 
 Rich heaps of brafs Ihall in thy tent be told. 
 And fteel, well tempered, and perfualive gold ; 
 Which ev'n the wifeft love. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 Homer will fupply us with an anfwer too : for inftance, 
 
 -|- Think not to live, tho' all thy gold be ihown : 
 Shall we difmifs thee, in fome future ftrife. 
 To riik, more bravely, thy now forfeit life ? 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 Wretch that I am! even my beft hope, my Homer, fails me. I mufl 
 fly to Euripides ; he, perhaps, may fave me. 
 
 O fave the fuppliant man ! for him, thou know'fl, 
 'Tis impious to deftroy. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 And does not the fame Euripides fay. 
 
 Shall not the evil-doer fufFer ill ? 
 
 L U C I A N. ., 
 
 And mufl I then be killed for a few words only ? 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 By Jove, you Ihall ; for, as he fays in another place, 
 
 J The fure reward of an unbridled tongue. 
 And impious pride, is mifcry, and woe. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 If by no art, or fubterfuge whatever, I can efcape, and you are determined 
 to make an end of me, at leaft inform me what irremediable injury I have 
 done you, that you fiiould thus feize upon, and condemn me, 
 
 * Sparc a good, fe'f.] See Homer's Iliad, book xi. and other places; the words, ** Which 
 cv'n the wifeft love," are not in Homer, but added by Lucian. 
 
 f Think not to live.'] From Diomed's fpeech to Dolon. See Pope's Iliad, book x. I. 517. 
 X The fure re\^ard^ fe't-.] See the Bacch^ of Euripides. 
 
 K k 2 FLA.
 
 2^2 TheFISHERMAN. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 Aik thyfelf, villain, what thou haft done; aik thofe * fine books thou 
 haft written, where thou haft traduced Philofophy herfelf, and Ihamefully 
 abufed us ; putting up to public fale philofophers, and, what is more, free- 
 men : incenfed at this, as well we may be, we have got leave of Pluto to 
 leave the infernal manfions ; Chryfippus here, and Epicurus, and myfelf, 
 and Ariftotle, and filent Pythagoras, and Diogenes, and all thofe, whom 
 thou, in thy writings, haft fo inhumanly torn to pieces. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Now I begin to breathe again ; for I am fure you will not kill me when 
 
 you know how I have really behaved towards you ; therefore, throw away 
 
 your ftones, or rather, if you pleafe, keep them for thofe who deferve them 
 
 better. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 Nonfenfe : I tell you, die you muft, and this very day, 
 
 -f Prepare for death, thy deeds have well-deferv'd it. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 And would you, good men as you arc, kill your familiar friend, one who 
 wiflies you well ; one whom you ought rather to commend, who thinks with 
 you ; one, who if ic is not too much arrogance to boaft of it, may be called 
 the patron and promoter of your ftudies, and has laboured fo much in your 
 fervice. Take heed you do not adt like the philofophers of thefe our days, 
 who are angry with, and ungrateful to, the man who has deferved every- 
 thing from them. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 What impudence ! as if we were indebted to you for your abufe, and you 
 really thought you were converfing with flaves, and all your calumny and 
 reproach, it feems, is a favour conferred upon us, 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Where, and when, have I ever abufed or reproached you ? I, who, through 
 all my life, have praifed and admired philofophy ; always extolling you, and 
 ftudying your works : whence have I borrowed every thing I fay, but from 
 you ? tafting, like the bee, your flowers, and producing the honey to man- 
 
 * Thofe fine hooh^ (ffr.] The Sale of Philofophers. 
 •f Prepare^ ds'c] 
 
 Homer's Iliad, book ill. 1. ^;. 
 
 kind :
 
 TheFISHERMAN. 253 
 
 kind : They know from whom it comes, diftlnguifli every flower, and ad- 
 mire, praife, and envy him, who gathered it: though, in truth, their 
 praifes are due to you alone, and to that fertile meadow which produces 
 them in fuch infinite numbers and variety, as requires a fkiiful hand, fo to 
 blend and unite them, that they may recommend and adorn each other. 
 And can he, who thus enjoys your bounty, fpeak ill of thofe to whom he is 
 fo much obliged; thofe, to whom alone he is indebted for his characfter 
 and reputation ? unlefs he were of the fame difpofition with* Thamyris 
 or f Eurytus, of old, who pretended to vie with the very Mufes, that in- 
 fpiredhim; or contend with Apollo himfelf, and aim a dart at him, who 
 taught him the ufe of the quiver. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 This is all rhetorical declamation, diredly contrary to the truth, and only 
 makes your infolent behaviour more unpardonable ; to the injury, you have 
 done us, it adds ingratitude alfo ; for receiving, by your own confeffion, 
 arms from us, you turned them againft us ; made us your butt, and faid 
 every thing you could againft us. This was the reward we met with, for 
 opening our field, and permitting you to fill your bofom with our fpoils ; 
 and for this, you but the more deferve to perilh. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Obferve, now, how you give ear to relentment alone, unmindful of juf- 
 tice. Little did I think that ever anger would thus fubdue Plato, Arif- 
 totle, Chryfippus, or any of you ; you, whom, of all men, I looked upon 
 as far from fuch weaknefs. Surely, however, my moft venerable adverfa- 
 ries, you will not kill me unheard, and unconvid:ed ; do not determine any 
 thing by force, or violence; but hear the arguments on both fides, and de- 
 cide according to equity and truth. Appoint, therefore, a judge, let all 
 accufe me, or any one of you whom you Ihall choofe by vote, and I will 
 anfwer to the crimes alleged againft me. If it appears that I have done 
 
 * Tbtimyru!.'\ Thamyris was fo renowned for his fltill in mufic, as to rival his mafter Apollo, 
 who, growing jealous, took his eyes and lyre away trom him. 
 
 f Eurytus.] Eurytus was king of Oechalia, and famous for his fkill in archery. He pra- 
 pofed his daughter, lole, in marriage, to any perfon that could conquer him at the exercife of 
 the bow. This, probably, gave rife to the ftory of his rivalling Apollo, and being flain by 
 Jiim. Homer calls him, vain Eurytus, 
 
 whofe art became his crime, 
 
 Swept from the earth, he perilh'd in his prime. 
 
 See Pope's Odyfley, book Tiii, 1, Zjf 7» 
 
 you
 
 254 The F r S H E R M A N. 
 
 you any wrong, and juftice condemns me, 1 am content to fuffer the punllK- 
 
 ment deferved : and you will do no violence. If, on the trial, I fhall be 
 
 found innocent and irreprehenfible, the judge will acquit me, and you will 
 
 turn your refentment towards thofe who deceived, and fet you againft me. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 What ! turn the * horfe into the field ; fo you may deceive the judges, 
 
 and efcape. It is well known you are an able orator, a fubtle pleader, and 
 
 rather too knowing in difputation : what judge can we have whom you will 
 
 not bribe (for you are capable of any bafenefs), to give fentence in your 
 
 favour ? 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Be fatisfied with regard to that : I want no partial, or fufpedted judge, 
 none who will fell me their opinion ; for, behold I have brought with me, 
 and here appoint your own Philofophy, herfelf, to be our umpire. 
 
 PLATO. 
 But, if we are judges, who is to be the accufer ? 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 You fhall yourfelves be both ; nor am I fearful of the event : fo much 
 have I the better of the caufe, and infinitely more than is neceflary in my 
 
 favour. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 What fay you, Socrates and Pythagoras ? The man defires nothing un- 
 reafonable, when he thus provokes the trial : how muft we ad: ? 
 
 SOCRATES. 
 
 What can we do, but proceed to the tribunal, and, taking Philofophy 
 
 with us, hear what he has to fay in his defence : for to condemn without 
 
 trial, becometh not men like us, but fools alone, the Haves of anger, and 
 
 thofe who meafure juftice by the ftrength of their arm : if we Hone him 
 
 unheard, and unconvifted, we fhall give our enemies occafion to fpeak ill 
 
 of us ; we, more efpeciallv, who profefs ourfelves lovers of equity : what 
 
 Ihall we fay of Anytus and Melitus, of my accufers, or of my judges, if 
 
 this man is condemned by us, without giving him the chance of the f hour- 
 
 elafs ? 
 
 ^ FLA- 
 
 * Turn the horp.'] A proverbial expreffion, (fee Erafmus), as much as to fay, " Turn a 
 horfe loofe, and catch him again if you can." The proverb, we fee, is very applicable to the 
 occafion. 
 
 f The hour-glafs.l In the Athenian courts of judicature, the plaintiff, being placed on the 
 left hand of the tribunal, and the defendant on the right, both of them fpoke fet orations in 
 
 their
 
 The fisherman. 255 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 Socrates, yon are right : let us go in fearch of Philofophy; Ihe fhall be 
 the jud^e, and we will abide by her determination. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 This, O wife and prudent men, is certainly the bed and mr.ft legal me- 
 thod : keep your ft nes, however, as I advifed you, for you will want tl^em 
 foon -^r the tribunal. But where Ihall we find Philofophy ? for I do not 
 know where Ihc lives ; though f have been looking out for her houle a h)ng 
 time, in hopes of meeting vvith her there. In my way I lit on feveral men 
 with long beards, and cloaks, who faid they had juft come fr' ni her ; ima- 
 gining, therefore, that they muft know her place of abode, I enquired of 
 them, but they, who knew no more than myfelf, either gave me no an- 
 fvver, in order to conceal their ignorance, or dire<fted me from one door to 
 another, fo that to this day I could never find the houfe. Many a time, 
 either led by my own fancy, or following feme guide, I vifited certain places, 
 where 1 thought myfelf fure of catching her, attraded thither by the multi- 
 tude of comers and goers, who all appeared with levere countenances, 
 grave habits, and looks, that carried with them the appearance of deep 
 thought and meditation. With thefe 1 crouded myfelf in, unobferved, and 
 gained admiffion. There faw I a woman, who, though fhe feemed to have 
 dreffed herfelf wiih a kind of fludied neatnefs, had not the true air of fim- 
 plicity about her. Her hair, it was too vifible, which (he wilhed to appear 
 loofely flowing, Ihe had taken care to adorn, nor was her robe put on with- 
 out affeftation : her whole drefs was plainly an artful imitation of eafy ne- 
 gligence; the paint and varnifli, notwithftanding, appeared through all ; 
 her difcourfe was loofe, like that of a harlot; fhe feemed happy when her 
 lovers praifed her beauty, and, if they made her any prefent, accepted it 
 with greedinefs : would fit always near the rich, but took no notice of the 
 poor amongft them. When fhe was uncovered, 1 obferved a gold necklace, 
 as thick as a dog-chain ; v^hen I faw this, I retired immediately, not with- 
 
 their own behalf ; and left, by the length of their fpeeches, they fhould weary the judges' pa- 
 tience, and hinder them from proceeding to other bulinefs, they were limited to a certain fpace 
 of time, which was meafured by a xAi'4/t/^p, or hour-glafs, diftering from ours in this, that, 
 inftead oi land, they made ufe of water. To prevent traud, there was an officer appointed to 
 dlftrlbute the water equally to both fides ; when the glafs was run out, they were permitted to 
 fpeak no farther It other bulinefs intervened, the giafs was flopped for the time j and if any 
 perfon had finifl-,ed his fpeech, before all his water was run out, he might make over the re- 
 mainder to another. 
 
 out
 
 5^6 TheFISHERMAN. 
 
 out pitying thofe miferabk wretches, who fuffered themfelves thus to be 
 
 led by her, not by the nofe, but by the beard, and, like Ixion, embraced a 
 
 cloud for a Juno. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 So far you are right ; for the door is not eafily found, nor open to every 
 one ; neither, indeed, is there any ncceflity of going to her houfe, for we 
 Ihall meet her here in the Ceramicus, on her return from the Academy, 
 when fhe comes to walk in the portico, as ihe ufually does every day : and 
 behold ! here Ihe is : obferve her decent habit, the mildnefs of her afpedt, 
 how flow flie walks along, and feems wrapped in thought. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 I fee feveral, whofe gait and habit are the fame, and yet but one of them 
 
 can really be Philofophy. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 True : but when flie comes to fpeak, you will foon know which it is. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Ha! Plato, Chryfippus, Ariftotle, and all of you, my befl and nobleft 
 
 followers, here! What brought you again to life? Who has injured you 
 
 in the regions below ? for ye all feem angry : who is this prifoner you are 
 
 dragging along with you ? Is he a murtherer ? Has he ftripped the dead, 
 
 or robbed a temple ? 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 O Philofophy, he is worfe, and more wicked than all of them ; for he 
 
 has dared to afperfe thy moft venerable charader, and abufed us all, for 
 
 what we learned of thee, and left in our writings to pofterity. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 And are you fo highly enraged at him for fpeaking evil of me ? Know 
 you not what I fuffered from Comedy, at the * feaft of Bacchus, and yet I 
 never called her to account, or reproved her for it ; fhe is at liberty to fport, 
 it fuits a feftival ; and well I know, that nothing truly good and valuable 
 is ever the worfe for the ridicule thrown upon it, but comes out, like gold 
 from the hammer, only more bright and fplendid. You are angry and pro- 
 voked, ye know not why. What makes you pull him fo tight ? you will 
 llrangle him, 
 
 * Fcajl of Bacchus.'] Alluding to the Comedy of the Clouds, by Arlflophanes, reprefented 
 during the folemnity of that feftival, when Philofophy fuffered fo much in the perfon of So- 
 crates, from the indecent raillery of that celebrated poet, 
 
 PLATO.
 
 The fisherman. 
 
 257 
 
 PLATO, 
 We have got leave for a day, and came up on purpofe to inflidt on him 
 the punifhment which he deferves, as foon as we heard what he had pubiifhed 
 againft us. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 And would you put him to death unheard, and before any trial ? He 
 feems as if he wanted to fay fomething in his own defence. 
 
 PLATO. 
 No: we have referred every thing to you; your opinion mud decide the 
 controverfy. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 What hyyou f 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 To you, my divine miftrefs, I fubmir, for you alone can difcover truth ; 
 
 but, with much intreaty, fcarce could I prevail on them to refer the caufe to 
 
 your determination. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 Now, rafcal, you can call her your miftrefs : but a little while ago, in 
 
 a full aflembly, you pronounced her moft contemptible, and would fell all 
 
 her doftrines for two pence, 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 But, fuppofe he meant only to expofe, not Phiiofophy, but fome im- 
 poftors, who committed bad adtions in my name. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 That you (hall foon be affured of, if you will attend to what I fhall fay in 
 
 my defence : but let us flep afide a little to the * Areopagus, or rather to 
 
 the Acropolis itfelf, whence, as from a watch-tower, we may fee every 
 
 thing about the city. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 You, my friends, in the mean time, may walk about the -j- Portico; I 
 will come to you again, as foon as this affair is determined. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Who are thefe ? by their mein and deportment they feem to be moft trulv 
 refpedlable. 
 
 * jireopagus."] The great Athenian court of judicature, called the Areopagus, or Mars's Hill, 
 as fables tell us, from the arraignment of Mars, who was the firft criminal tried in it. 
 
 f Portico.'] The rioixiXij, or Poecile, fo called from the variety it contained of curious pic- 
 tures, done by the greateft mafters, was the famous Portico where Zeno taught phiiofophy, and 
 inftituted the Stoic fed^, fo called from roa.^ ftoa, another name for this portico. 
 
 Vol. I. LI PHI-
 
 258 The F I S H E R M A N. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 That maf^. '.'line figure is, Virtue, the other, Wifdom, the other, Juftice ; 
 ihe who goes before; them is. Education ; that colourlefs, and almoft imper- 
 ceptible form, is. Truth. 
 
 ^ L U C I A N. 
 
 I cannot fee her. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Do not you obferve that fimple, unadorned figure, naked, and that feems 
 
 to withdraw itfelf, and Hide away from you ? 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Now I have juft a glimpfe of her : but why not carry them with us, as 
 
 afleflbrs ? it will make the court more full and complete : Truth I would 
 
 wifh above all to appear as an advocate for me. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Come then, follow me : one caufe will not be much trouble to you, efpe- 
 
 cially where I am fo nearly concerned. 
 
 TRUTH. 
 
 Go you along : there is no occafion for me to hear, again, what I am 
 
 already fo well acquainted with. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 But to me your prefence will be highly neceflary, to point out every thing 
 
 to them. 
 
 TRUTH. 
 
 I mufl bring, then, my two attendants, who are my beft friends. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 Carry as many as you pleafe. 
 
 TRUTH. 
 Follow me then. Liberty, and Freedom of Speech, that we may favc 
 this little man, my friend, and admirer, who is brought into peril without 
 a caufe. You, Convidion, may remain here. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 By no means, my honoured miftrefs ; flie, if any, Ihould certainly come 
 with us : for 1 mull contend, not with beafts, but with the moft infolent of 
 men ; men who will not eafily be argued out of their opinion, but are per- 
 petually finding fome fubterfuge, or evafion. Convidion, therefore, will 
 
 be neceffary. 
 
 PHI-
 
 TheFISHERMAN. 259 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Mod certainly : it will be flill better if you take Demonftration alfo. 
 
 TRUTH. 
 Follow me, all of you, as your prefence will be necefTary at the trial. 
 
 ARISTOTLE, 
 Obferve, Philofophy, he has gained over Truth againfl: us. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 And are Plato, Ariftotle, and Chryfippus afraid that Truth herfclf ihould 
 bear falfe tcftimony in his favour ? 
 
 PLATO. 
 By no means : but he is an artful flatterer, and may over perfuade her. 
 
 TRUTH. 
 Take courage, for nothing unjufl: can be done, where Juftice herfelf, is 
 prefent : let us be gone. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 But tell me firft, what is your name ? 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 My name is Parrhefiades, or, the Free Speaker, the fon of Alethion and 
 Eleuxicles, or. Truth and Convidtion. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 Of what country are you ? 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 I am a Syrian, and born near Euphrates ; but that is nothing to the pre- 
 fent purpofe, for many of my adverfaries here, I know, are Barbarians as 
 well as myfelf ; their learning and their manners, however, are not from 
 Solea, from Cyprus, from Babylon, or Stagyra : befides, that, with you, a 
 foreign accent is no fault, where the opinion is juft and good. 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 True : I need not have alked you thofe queflions. But what is your pro- 
 feflion ? For that it much imports us to know. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 I am a hater of pride, impofture, falfehood, and oftentation : I hate, in 
 ihort, all wicked men, of whom, you well know, there are but too many. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 By Hercules, a moft invidious occupation yours. 
 
 L 1 2 L U.
 
 26o TheFISHERMAN. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 It is indeed : you fee what hatred I incur by it, and what dangers I am 
 liable to ; but 1 have another bufinefs alfo, the very oppofite to that ; the 
 bufincfs I mean, of love, efteem, and approbation. I am the friend of 
 truth, of honour, beauty, of fimplicity, of every thing that is amiable and 
 good ; but few there are who deferve this love : whereas, of thofe who merit 
 my hatred there are millions. Thus, there is no little danger of lofing all 
 my ikill in one profeflion, for want of opportunities to exercife it; and of 
 being too great a proficient in the other. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Never fear : you may do both, without dividing the bufinefs ; they feem, 
 indeed, to be two different profeffions, but in reality are but one. 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 You are the befl judge of that : my maxim, however, is to hate the bad, 
 and to love and praife the good and virtuous. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Well : we are at the place appointed, we will determine this affair in the 
 temple of Minerva. Do you, prieftefs, difpofe the feats : we, in the mean 
 time, will pay our adorations to the goddefs, 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Come, now, O guardian of Athens ! to my affiflance, againft thefe proud 
 and wicked men; thou, who, everyday, art witnefs to their perjuries, thou 
 alone, who feeft all things, haft beheld their adtions ; now is the time to 
 punifli them. But, if I fhould be overcome, and the black balls prevail, 
 O throw in thy fuffrage, and preferve me. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Now, we are feated, and ready to hear your pleadings. Choofe one 
 amongft you, who has the beft hand at an accufation, to make out the in- 
 didtment ; do you put your arguments together, and prove his guilt : but 
 you muft not all fpeak at once. You, Parrhefiades, muft afterwards endea- 
 vour to defend yourfelf. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 Which of us is moft fit for this undertaking ? 
 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 That fublimity of fentiment, that truly Attic eloquence, fo full of grace, 
 and perfuafion ; that prudence and fagacity, that power of words in demon- 
 
 flration
 
 TheFISHERMAN. a6i 
 
 ^ration, fo attradlive and commanding, which all unite in Plato, fufficiently 
 point out the proper perfon : you, therefore, muft open the caufe, and fpeak 
 for us all. Now call to mind, and bring together, all the good things you 
 have faid againft Gorgias, and Polus, and Prodicus, and Hippias : for this 
 man is more formidable than either of them. Sprinkle, withal, a little 
 irony, and fome of thofe pretty interrogatories, in which you fo abound. 
 Add, moreover, if you pleafe, that inexpreffible charm, which will put the 
 great Jupiter, who drives the fwift chariot, into a paflion if he is not con- 
 demned. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 By no means appoint me, but rather one of thefe much fharper orators, 
 Diogenes here, or Antifthenes, or Crates, or you, Chryfippus : we do not 
 want elegance or ftrength of ftyle upon this occafion, but a regular judicial 
 procefs. We will leave oratory to Parrhefiades. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 Well then : I will begin the accufation ; nor will there be need of any 
 long fpeeches about it. I have moft reafon, for he has treated me worfe 
 than any of you, and fold me for two oboli. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 Diogenes, O Philofophy, will fpeak for us all : but, remember, my worthy 
 friend, in your accufation, to have an eye, not only to yourfelf alone, but 
 to the common caufe : if we happen to difagree amongft ourfelves in opi- 
 nion, you are not to enter into examination, or determine which is in the 
 right; but confine your refentmcnt to the injuries done to Philofophy her- 
 felf, abufed and calumniated by Parrhefiades : and, leaving our diflenfions 
 untouched, defend ftrenuoufly what we have in common one with another: 
 remember, we have appointed you alone to aft for us, we truft our all to 
 you, and on you it will depend, wliether what we do fhall appear fair and 
 honeft, or be deemed what he has thought fit to call it. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Never do you fear : I fliall omit nothing, but fpeak as well as I can for 
 you all : if, perchance, Philofophy, overcome by his eloquence, for fhe is 
 of a mild and gentle difpofition, Ihould, after ail, acquit him, it fhall not 
 be my fault ; I will ftick clofe to the caufe, and endeavour to convince him, 
 that I do not bear the * flaff in vain. 
 
 P H I- 
 
 • ^/<j^'.] Diogenes is always defcribed as carrying a large club, or flafF in his hand : th*», 
 
 iayc
 
 26i The F I S H E R M A N. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 We want not your ftafF here, but your arguments ; let us have no more 
 delay : for the water is already poured out, and the court waits for you, 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 Let Diogenes alone accufe me ; the reft may fit with you, and give their 
 
 ballot. „ „ „ 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Are not you afraid they will give it againft you ? 
 
 L U C I A N. 
 
 Not at all : but I would wifli to carry it by a great majority. 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Nobly faid : come fit ye down : do you, Diogenes, begin. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 Who, and what we are, you, O Philofophy, well know ; words, there- 
 fore, are unneceflary on this occafion ; for, to fay nothing of myfelf, who 
 can be ignorant of how much benefit to mankind have been the works of 
 Pythagoras, Plato, Ariftotle, and the reft of us? Againft charadVers thus 
 refpedliable, I will now proceed to iliew what this execrable Parrhefiades has 
 wickedly fuggefted : renowned for oratory, in which it feems he excelled, 
 he left the courts of juftice, and the reputation he acquired there, to fum- 
 mon all his forces againft us, whom he is perpetually employed in calumni- 
 ating, calling us hypocrites, and impoftors, and perfuading the multitude 
 to laugh at and defpife us, as men of no account or eftimation. Already he 
 has brought upon us, and on you, O Philofophy, univerfal hatred ; calling 
 all you do madnefs and folly. What you had taught us to look upon as feri- 
 ous, he has turned intojeft and laughter; only to infult us, and gain applaufe 
 to himfelf from the fpe(flators : for fuch is the nature and difpofition of the 
 vulgar, that they are ever delighted with the fcoffer and calumniator, efpecially 
 when things the moft facred and refped:able are laughed at by them : and 
 therefore was it that formerly they were fo pleafed with Eupolis and Arifto- 
 phanes, who brought our Socrates on the ftage, to ridicule him, and in- 
 vented fo many ftrange fables concerning him : all this they did againft one 
 man, at the feaft of Bacchus ; it was part, indeed, of the folemnity ; he is 
 
 fays he, which, in his new charader of firfl: counfel in the caufe, he confiders as a ftafF of 
 office, I (hall not carry in vain, i. e. in cafe of convidion, he ftiould exercife it on the delin- 
 quent. 
 
 a laugh-
 
 T H E F I S H E R M A N. 265 
 
 a Jauf^hter-lo-ing god, and rejoices, perhaps, in this kind of diverfion. 
 But this man, with malice prepenfc, and after long preparation, calls all 
 the great people together, makes up a large volume of abiife, and, with a 
 founding voice, pours it forth upon Plato, Pythag -ras, Ariftotle, Chryfip- 
 pus, myfelf, and :ill of you, without any fpecious excufe of a public fefti- 
 val, or the leart provocation from us ; had he been injured, indeed, it had 
 been more pardonable : but, which is vvorfe than all, he pretends to do thefe 
 things in your name, and, taking Dialogue, our inrimate friend and ac- 
 quaintance, makes ufe of him as a brother-a(ftor, and fellow-combatant 
 againfl us. Moreover, he has prevailed on our companion, Menippus, to 
 join in farces with him : you will pleafe to obferve, that he alone, of all our 
 companions, is not here to aflift in the accufation, but has betrayed the 
 common caufe, and abfented himfelf on purpofe. 
 
 For all thefe crimes, moft noble judges, it: is meet he Ihould fuffer condlo-n 
 punilhment. What, indeed, can he fay in his defence againft the proof of fo 
 many witnefles ? Befides, that it will be right to make an example of him and 
 deter others from the like contempt of Philofophy hereafter : whereas, if you 
 quietly fubmit to the injury, it will be defervedly called, not temperance 
 and moderation, but indolence and folly. For who would bear fuch an af- 
 front as the laft which he put upon us, when he brought us into the market- 
 place, like fo many flaves, appointed a crier, and folJ fome of us for an 
 Attic mina, fome for more; me, in particular, the rafcal difpoied of for 
 two oboli, to the no fmall diverfion of the fpedators. Thefe, O Philofo- 
 phv, are the reafons of our returning thus to earth, to Ihevv our indio-nation 
 againfl him, and, affronted as we have been, to requeft that you will re- 
 venge us. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 Well argued, Diogenes; you have faid every thing, and moft excellently, 
 that could be faid for every one of us. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 Let us have no encomiums, but * pour in for the defendant. Parrhe- 
 fiades, it is your turn to fpeak : your water flows now ; therefore, without 
 farther delay, begin immediately. 
 
 * Pour inJ] i. e. Pour the water into the hour-glafs. See note «n the Clepfydra. 
 
 P A R R H E-
 
 264 The F I S H E R M A N. 
 
 *PARRHESIADES. 
 Know then, O Philofophy, that Diogenes has not advanced every thing 
 againft me which he might have done, but, for what reafon I know not, 
 has pafled over many accufations, much heavier than any he has yet pro- 
 duced : for my own part, fo far am I from denying any thing I have faid, 
 or thinking that it {lands in need of a defence in this place, that I had re- 
 folved, before I came here, that whatever he might forget to mention, or I 
 had not thought of before, I would now take the opportunity to add, that 
 you might be a better judge what kind of men 1 put up to fale, and branded 
 with the name of boafters and hypocrites : above all, I muft beg you to 
 obferve, that I have faid nothing of any man but what is true : and, if the 
 refleftions appear harfh or cruel, thofe who do the evil are to blame, and 
 not I, who accufe them of it. At my firft fetting out in the law, I per- 
 ceived fo much deceit, lying, impudence, noife, quarrelling, and a thoufand 
 more things, neceflarily attendant on the profeffion, that, difgufted at them, 
 as I muft naturally be, 1 threw it afide, turned my mind, O Philofophy, 
 towards thy beauties, and refolved, like one efcaped from ftorm and tem- 
 peft, into a peaceful haven, to fpend the reft of my life under your patron- 
 age and protection. No fooner did I become acquainted with, but I ad- 
 mired both you, and thefe guides to happinefs and virtue; ftretching out 
 their hands to all who are willing to meet you ; inculcating the beft and 
 moft falutary precepts in the minds of thofe who will not depart from them, 
 but, keeping their footfteps firm, and their eyes always fixed on the rules 
 prefcribed by you, direcl their lives according to them, which, indeed, but 
 few, even of your followers, are able to perform. But when I beheld fuch 
 numbers, not fmitten with the love of Philofophy, but from a thirft after 
 that glory and honour, which accompany her ; by thofe external appear- 
 ances, which all may eafily put on, aping the good and great in their beard, 
 their habit, or their walk ; and, at the fame time, in their lives and manners, 
 belying their profeffion, debafing its dignity, and adting in direcft oppofi- 
 tion to your precepts ; i muft own, I could not look upon them without 
 indignaucn. They feemed to me like fome tragic adtor, who, though foft 
 and effeminate himfelf, Ihould play the part of Achilles, or Thefeus, or Her- 
 
 * Parrhejiades.l i. e. Lucian, who had taken upon him the name of Parrhefiades, or the 
 Free Speaker. Seneca, in like manner, calls Demochares, Parrhefiades, *' ita, fays he, obni. 
 miam & procacem linguam appellatus." See Seneca de Tran. lib. iii. 
 
 cules,
 
 The F I S H E R M A N. 265 
 
 cules, without any thing of the hero, either in his voice or gait, and deli- 
 cate and enervated, under the ma/k of flrength and valour, Helen and Poly- 
 xena, would never bear fuch bafe refemblances, and the vidorious Hercules 
 would foon, with his club, deftroy the hero, for thus ignominioufly making 
 a woman of him. 
 
 In the fame manner, when I favv you mifreprefented, I could not bear 
 fuch fliameful ading ; to behold our apes thus putting on the appearance 
 of heroes; to fee them imitating the afs of * Cum^, who, putting on the 
 lion's (kin, and roaring dreadfully, thought he might pafs among the Cu- 
 mseans for a real lion, till the Granger, who often had feen both, and could 
 diftinguilh one from the other, difcovered, and drove him off with a good 
 threlhing. But what appeared tome, O Philofophy, of all things molt in- 
 tolerable, was, that when thefe men a<fted foolifhly, wickedly, and unbe- 
 comingly, every body laid the blame on you, and immediately abufed 
 Chryfippus, Plato, Pythagoras, or whatever philofopher's name they had 
 affumed, or whofe precepts they had pretended to adopt : from the bad 
 lives of thefe men, the world formed a refemblance of your's. Had vou been 
 alive this would never have happened j but you were long fince departed, 
 and thefe they every day favv living in a moft Ihameful and difhonourable 
 manner; thus you are accufed with them, and brought under the fame con- 
 demnation. Thefe things I could not fuffer; I attacked them, therefore, 
 and endeavoured to difcriminate you from each other ; and for this, inftead 
 of thanking me for it, you bring me to juftice. Were I to fee any of the 
 initiated dancing unfeemly -j- out of his place, and revealing the myileries 
 of the X goddcffcs, and, being incenfed, Ihould fall upon and reprove him, 
 would you call me impious ? that would be the highelt injuftice. When any 
 
 • T/je afs of Cumx.'] Cumae was an ancient town of Campania, in Italy, where Tally had a 
 feat, called Praedium Cumaniim. Lucian here alludes to the known fable of the afs in the lion's 
 (kin, which we meet with in ^fop, who, however, has not, as I remember, honoured him fo 
 far as to mention the place of his nativity. 
 
 ■j- Out of his place."] See Lucian's Treatife on Dancino-. 
 
 ♦ The godJeJJcs.'] Ceres and Proferpine. Lucian here alludes to the Thefmophoria, or Feads 
 of Ceres the Legiflatrefs, celebrated every five years. Cicero calls them ^trrp*, and initia, 
 ufually divided into the great and the little, the former in honour of Ceres, the latter of Pro- 
 ferpine. The perfon who initiated to the myfteries, was called the hierophantes, or chief 
 prieft, whofe bufinefs, and whofe alone it was, ra EA£t;c-«Ma «*oi|a., i. e. to reveal the myftery 
 ofEleufis: he had likewife the title of myftagogus. If any perfon divulged the myileries of 
 thefe facred rites, it was accounted unfafe to abide under the fame roof with him. 
 
 Vol. I. Mm ador
 
 266 The F 1 S H E R M A N. 
 
 aftor reprefents Jupiter, Neptune, or Minerva, and does net perfnrm 
 his part fuitable to the dignity of the character, thofe who preiide over ihe 
 facred feftivals frequently chaftife them for it, nor are the gods angry with 
 the executioners for punifhing thofe who thus mifreprefent them, but rather 
 favour and applaud their defenders : for to adt vilely the part of a fcrvant or 
 mefTenger, is a fmall fault ; but to give the fpedtators a falfe idea of a Jove, 
 or a Hercules, is moft fhameful and abominable. 
 
 The moft abfurd thing of all is, that moll: of thefe men, ^ho fo diligent- 
 ly apply themfelves to the ftudy of your doflrines, live, at the fame time, 
 as if they onlv read and admired, with the defign of adling diredlly con- 
 trary to them. When they tell us, for inftance, that they defpife glory 
 and riches, that nothing can be good that is not honeft, that we fhould 
 never be angry, that we fhould hold the great in contempt, and treat them 
 as our equals, all this is right, and wife, and worthy of admiration; and 
 yet the very men who teach thefe things, are paid for it, are perpetually 
 gaping after wealth, and paying their court to the rich ; more curft than lap- 
 dogs, more timid than hares : afles are not fo lewd, cats fo rapacious, or 
 game-cocks fo quarrelfome. How truly ridiculous it is to fee them hunting 
 one another from great men's doors ; prefent at every good fupper, and find- 
 ing fault with every thing at it, and philofophifmg in their cups, and faying 
 the moft foolifh and difagreeable things, when the wine is too much for 
 them : whilft the guefts laugh, and are heartily fick of fuch philofophy. 
 
 But the worft of all i?, to hear them crying out that they want nothing; 
 that the wife man alone is truly rich : and, a little after, afking for money, 
 and being highly oSended if you do not give it them : juft as if a man with 
 a tiara, a diadem, and all the enfigns of royalty about him, fhould go a 
 befy^ing;. When thev receive any thing; themfelves, you are fure to have an 
 oration about the equal partition of every good, and the vanity of riches : 
 for what, fay they, are gold and filver, are they not like the fand on the 
 fea fhore ? But if an old friend or acquaintance comes to aik them for any 
 thing, then it is all poverty, filence, or denial, and every thing they had 
 faid is retradted : all their fine fpeeches about friendihip and virtue are gone, 
 we know not where, like fo many birds, all fled ; as if words uere only 
 meant to fight fham battles with, in their fchools and public meetings. As 
 long as there is no gold or filver before them, they are very good friends; 
 but fhew them a fingle farthing, and the peace is broken immediately; there 
 
 is
 
 The F I S H E R M A N. 267 
 
 is no longer any order or agreement amongft them : they are juft like the 
 dogs ; throw but a bone, they all fally our, hire one another, and bark at 
 him that carries it off. 
 
 Once, upon a time, a certain Egyptian monarch, we are told, taught 
 fome apes to dance the ^ Pyrrhic dance ; the beafts (for 4:hey mimic every 
 human adlion), foon learned their leffon, and ikipped about in maflcs, and 
 purple robes, and the fight pleafed for a long time; till an arch fellow, who 
 came as a fpedator, took fome nuts out of his bofom, and threw a handful 
 amongft them, when the performers immediately forgot their profeflion, 
 and, from Pyrrhic dancers, returned to mere apes again, tore off their mafks 
 and cloaths, and went to fighting for the fruit : thus was the celebrity at 
 once diflf Ived, to the great diverfion of the fpedtators. And jull in the 
 fame manner do thefe men ad:. Thefe I have expofed, nor will I ever ceafe 
 to deted: their frauds, to laugh at, and to ridicule them : but of you, and 
 fuch as refemble you (for many ftill there are who follow true philofophy, 
 and obferve your laws}, I were mad indeed, to utter any thing fevere, or 
 difrefpcdui. What, indeed, could I fay, or what is in there in your lives 
 limilar to theirs? But, furely, to detefl: thofe who are infolent to men, and 
 hateful to the gods, is meritorious. What is there in you, Pythagoras, or 
 Plato, or Ariftotle, or Chryfippu?, that has the leaft fimilitude with them ? 
 As the proverb fays, it is -j- Hercules and the ape : do they imagine them- 
 felves like you, becaufe they wear long beards, put on aufterc faces, and 
 philofophize ? I could even bear all this. If they aded their parts well; but 
 a vuitur more refembles the nightingale, than they do the real philofopher. 
 
 I have done ; and now, O Truth, I call on thee to bear teftimony for me, 
 whether thefe things are {o. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Parrhefiades, retire a little . — And now, what are we to do ? How do you 
 think he has acquitted himfelf? 
 
 VIRTUE. 
 
 I muft own, O Philofophy, whilft he fpoke I was ready to fink into the 
 earth, fo true was every thing he faid, and all the time knew very well 
 whom he alluded to; fuch a one, I faid to myfelf, did this; and another, 
 
 * Pyrrhic (lance.'\ For an account of this, fee Luclan's Treatife on Dancing. 
 
 f Hercules^ 15jl\'] A proverbial expreffion, to fignify two thing» as different as poffible from 
 each 9ther. 
 
 M m 2 that :
 
 268 TheFISHERMAN. 
 
 that : he pointed out the men, as clearly as the painter who draws a perfed: 
 likenefs, and with his pencil exprefles, not only the features and limbs of 
 the body, but the very fouls of thofe whom he would reprefent. 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 In good truth, Virtue, I blullied alfo : but what is your opinion ? 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 What can it be, but that he flands acquitted of the crimes imputed to 
 him, and deferves to be publicly acknowleged as our common friend and 
 benefadtor. Like the Trojans of old, we have raifed up this tragedian againft 
 us, to fing concerning our misfortunes ; but let him ling on, and declaim 
 againft thofe who are hateful to. the gods. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 Philofophy, I join my fnffrage alfo in commendation of him, retrad: my 
 
 accufation, and henceforth ftiall place him in the number of my beft and 
 
 worthieft friends. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Parrhefiades, well done : you are unanimoully acquitted, and now we 
 admit you as one of us. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 I began in an humble and befeechlng ftyle, I muft now rife to tragic fub- 
 limity, as more becoming my condition : therefore, 
 
 ■^ Now, fplendid Vicfl'ry, know me for thy own, 
 And with thy flow'ry wreath my brows adorn, 
 VICTORY. 
 Let us now tafte of the other cup, and punifh thofe who have abufed us. 
 Parrhefiades Ihall indidt them one after another. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 That is right : you, young Syllogifm there, turn towards the city, and 
 call up the Philofophers. 
 
 fSYLLOGISM. 
 Silence, there ! Do >ou hear, Philofophers ? You muft come immediately 
 to the Acropolis, to take your trials at the tribunal of Juflice, Virtue, and 
 Philofophy. 
 
 * Noiv fplendid, ^r.] See the Oreftes of Euripides, laft fpeech. 
 
 f Syllogifm.'] Making a perfon of Syllogifm, and employing him as a crier, to fummon the 
 Philofophers together, has no fraall degree of humour in it. Lucian is remarkably happy in his 
 dramatis perfonae. 
 
 P A R R H E-
 
 TheFISHERMAN. 269 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 You fee how few of them obey the fummons ; they are afraid of Jufllce; 
 befides, that moft of them are fo bufy about the great, they cannot find 
 time to come. If you have a mind to bring them all together, you muft 
 
 harangue them thus 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Well, do you call them then yourfelf. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 Nothing fo eafy. Silence, there ! Let all thofe, who call themfelves phi- 
 lofophers, and go by that name, repair immediately to the Acropolis, to 
 partake of a public donation. To each man will be given two minse, and a 
 cake of Indian corn. Whoever has a very long beard, fhall be intitled to a 
 bafket of figs into the bargain. Of wifdom, temperance, orjuflice, they 
 need not bring any with them, as thefe things are totally unnecelTary ; pro- 
 vided every one of them has at leaft five fyllogifms, without which it is 
 impoflible to be wife : 
 
 * Before them, lo, two golden talents lay ; 
 Who wrangles beft, Ihall bear the prize away. 
 
 Look what a heap of them there is, Ihoving one another on, only at the 
 found of the two minse : fome are got about the -j- Pelafgicon, fome about 
 jEfculapius*s temple, fome round the Areopagus, and fome to J Talus's 
 fepulchre, others are planting ladders againft the temple of the § Diofcuri, 
 and fwarming up like bees, or fo many clullcrs of grapes : to fpeak with 
 Homer, 
 
 II Thick, as in fpring, the flow'rs adorn the land. 
 
 Or leaves the trees 
 
 * Before them, fe'c.] A parody of two lines in Homer's defcrlption of Achilles' fhield, in the 
 19th book of the Iliad, 1. 507. Lucian has changed the words of the fecond line, from 
 
 Tw OOyLl^ 6? ^ITa TClJr» 01X»i> l6b>Tlxl9l {kV»J 
 
 To T« J /;x£» — 0; ^£r« T7a7»> i-\l^i\j.ii i|oj^o; ftr,. 
 
 Qui reliquoi rixa fuperaverit omnes. 
 'f The Pelafgicon.'] The north wall, or Pelafgicon, fo called from its founders the Pelafgi, 
 clofe to the citadel, which was adorned with innumerable edifices, ftatues, and monuments.— 
 See Potter's Defcription of Athens. 
 
 j Talus' s fepulchre.'] See Ofx» cap. 49. and (DiX&4/, cap. 29. 
 
 § Diofcuri.] The A»ax£»o», or temple of the Diofcuri (Caftor and Pollux), who were called 
 A>«xt?. In this place flaves were expofed to fale. 
 
 jl Thick as^ ^c] See Pope's Homer, book ii, 1. 551. 
 
 In
 
 270 The F I S H E R M A N. 
 
 In a very little time the Acropolis will be full; what a buftle they make! 
 Beards, flattery, fcrips, impudence, clubs, gluttony, fyllogifms, and ava- 
 rice, all crouding together. The few that were come up at the firft fum- 
 mons are fcarce to be feen ; having no particular mark, they are lofl in the 
 croud, and from the fimilitude of habi'', are eafily concealed. This, indeed, 
 is Ihameful, and what moft people blame you for, Philofophy, that you put 
 no mark on thefe men, to diftinguifh them by : the impoftors, to fay the 
 truth, to all outward appearance look mofl like philofophers. 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 This may be done by and by ; in the mean time let us receive a few of 
 
 thefe gentlemen. 
 
 A Croud of PLATONICS. 
 
 We, Platonics, ought to be taken firft. 
 
 PYTHAGOREANS. 
 No : we Pythagoreans ; for Pythagoras was firft in order of time. 
 
 STOICS. 
 
 Nonfenfe and folly : we, from the Portico, are better than all of you. 
 
 PERIPATETICS. 
 No fuch thing, when money is concerned ; we * Peripatetics, are cer- 
 tainly the firft to be confidered. 
 
 EPICUREANS. 
 Give us Epicureans, the cakes ; we will wait for the minse, and you 
 may give them to us the laft. 
 
 ACADEMICIANS. 
 Where are the two talents ? we. Academicians, will foon convince you 
 
 we are the beft difputants, 
 
 STOICS. 
 
 Not whilft we Stoics are prefent. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Let us have no quarrelling : you. Cynics, there, do not croud fo, nor 
 beat one another with your clubs ; you are called here for a very different 
 purpofe. Virtue, Truth, and myfelf ftiall now examine you, and fee which 
 of you are true philofophers ; thofe amongft you who fliall be found to live 
 according to our diftates, fhall be happy, and meet with our approbation ; 
 
 * We Peripatetics, iffc,"] Becaufe riches were by this feft ranked amongft the bona, or mofl; 
 valuable things in this life ; for the fame reafon the Epicureans, who were fond of good eating, 
 take the cakes. 
 
 but
 
 The F I S H E R M A N. 271 
 
 but the wickcJ, a. id the ^ynocrltc, uho do not belong to us, vvc flu'l treat 
 as they def^rve, that rhcy njay not for the UKiiie, from pride ar.d affecta- 
 tion, pretend to fueh ihin^^s as are above them. — How is this ? Bv Jo.'c, 
 they are all fled, jump'd, I know not how many of thciii, down the preci- 
 pice, and gone off; the Acroi:oiis is et'ipty, and none left but two or three, 
 who are not afraid of Juflice. Boy, take up chat fcrip the Cynic dr(»ppcd in 
 his flight ; let us fee what it contains, fome lupines, perhaps, or a book, 
 or a fcrap of black bread. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 No fuch thing ; but fome gold, a box of ointment, a * knife for a facri- 
 ficial feaft, a looking-glafs, and a pair of dice. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Well done, Philofopher ; are thefe the implements of your profeflion ? 
 thus provided, you think yourfelf enabled to inftrudt your pupilf, and 
 abufe every body elfe. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 Such they are in general : but as this is not known to every body, it lays 
 upon you to diflinguilh and point out which amongfl them are really good 
 men, and which the contrary: you, O Truth, mud find this out; for it 
 concerns you nearly, to prevent Falfehood's prevailing againft you, and the 
 bad, through ignorance and error, mingling with the juil: and honeit. 
 
 TRUTH. 
 With your leave, Philofophy, we will let this office devolve on Parrhe- 
 fiades, who has Ihewn himfelf our trufty friend, and your molt faith- 
 ful admirer : let him, therefore, taking Proof and Convidlion alono- with 
 him, judge and determine concerni ig thefe men, who call themfelves phi- 
 lofophers ; whenever he finds one really and truly fo, crown him with an 
 olive garland, and call him to the -f Prytaneum : if, on the other hand, he 
 Ihould light on a rafcal, (and many fuch there are, who only play the part 
 of philofophers), let him take off his cloak, and with a knife, fuch as they 
 fhave goats with, flice off his beard clofe to the fkin, then put a mark on 
 
 * j4 knife, &c.] The Cynics, like our modern Meihodirts, pretended much to felf-denial 
 abftinence, and fobriety ; but, as Lucian intimates, were, like them, mere pretenders- who 
 indulged privately in the gratification of every fenfual appetite. 
 
 t Prytaneum.'] The common-hall, or court of juflice, near the fenate houfe at Athens. 
 
 his
 
 2^2 TheFISHERMAN. 
 
 his forehead, or burn it in between his eye-brows ; and let the impreffion be, 
 
 a fox, or an ape. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 An excellent method ! the proof, then, Parrhefiades, will be, like that 
 of the eagles before the fun; not that I mean they Ihould look againft it, or 
 be tried by that; but by gold, glory, and pleafure; if, when you place 
 thefe before them, you find any one thatlhall feem to dcfpife, oris not at- 
 tracted by them, let him be crowned with an olive-branch : but, if you fee 
 one fixing his eyes upon the gold, and grafping at it, be fure you firft cut 
 off his beard, and then cauterife him. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 It Ihall be done as you dired : you will foon fee three parts of them mark- 
 ed with a fox, or an ape ; and a few, perhaps, crowned with laurel : but^ 
 if you pleafe, I will produce two or three of them. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY 
 
 What ! bring thofe back again that are ran away ? 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 Yes ; if your high prieflefs there, will lend me that hook and line^ which 
 the filherman left as an offering in the * Pir^um. 
 
 PRIESTESS. 
 There, take them, rod and all. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 Cannot you give me a few figs too, and a little gold > 
 
 PRIESTESS. 
 There is fome for you ? 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 What is he going about ? 
 
 PRIESTESS. 
 He has baited his hooks with the gold and the figs, fits o' top of the wall, 
 and lets it down into the city. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 Parrhefiades, what are you fifhing for ? Stones from the Pelafgicum ? 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 Silence, I beg, and mark what I Ihall catch. Do thou, O filhing Nep- 
 
 * Pirdtum, The great Athenian haven, by the lower city. 
 
 tunc.
 
 The F I S H E R M A N. 273 
 
 tune, and thou, dear Amphltrite, grant me good fport ! I think I fee a fine 
 wolf, or rather a * chryfophrys. 
 
 ELENCHUS. 
 No, it is a fea-dog : he gapes at the hook, he fmells the gold : he comes 
 near, he has got it, we have him : let us draw him up. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 Put your hand upon the line : here he is. Now, my noble fi(h, what are 
 
 you ? let us fee, O Hercules ! this is a dog : what teeth he has got ! So, I 
 
 have caught you, my honeft friend, feeding dellcioufly amongft the rocks, 
 
 where, I fuppofe, you thought you might lie hid with fafety : but you Ihall 
 
 be feen now, for I will hang you up by the gills : we will take off the bait : 
 
 O ho ! the hook is bare, the figs devoured, and the gold is gone down into 
 
 his belly. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 Then, by Jove, he fhall give it us up again ; the bait may ferve for an- 
 other. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 What fay you, Diogenes, do you know who he is ? Does he belong to you? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Not he, indeed. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 What is he worth ? I valued him, I think, before, at two oboli. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 It was a great deal too much : for he is not fit to eat, horribly ugly, very 
 harfti, and, in Ihort, worth nothing : throw him down headlong from the 
 rock, and try for another : but take care you do not break your rod. 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 O, never fear : they are light enough, they do not weigh more than a 
 
 tad-pole. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 True : they are, as you fay, -j- moft tad pole-like creatures, indeed : up 
 with them, however. 
 
 * Chryrophrys.'\ A gold-fiHi, or, perhaps, what we call a crufiah, from the colour of it re- 
 fembling gold. 
 
 t Mojl tad-pole likc.'\ Tm a<pvui i\oc(p(oTifot, fays Lucian ; to which Diogenes replies, <t^v^r»rot ys. 
 The original, we may obfen-e, as the learned reader will perceive, is a pun on the words, and, 
 confequently, untraoflatable. 
 
 VoL.I. Nn PARRHE^
 
 474 The FISHERMAN. 
 
 PARRHfiSIADES. 
 
 Here comes a fine broad * flat-filh, that looks as if he was cut int v> 
 
 he gapes at the hook like a fparrow ; he has fwallowed it, we have him- 1 
 
 draw him up ; who is it ? 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 
 He calls himfelf a Platonic. 
 
 PLATO. 
 
 What, do you bite at the gold ? rafcal. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 Well, Plato, what Ihall we do with him ? 
 
 PLATO. 
 Throw him down the fame rock. 
 
 DIOGENES. 
 Come, now, let down your hook for another. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 Yonder is a beautiful one coming, one may fee him quite at the bottomv 
 
 fpotted all over with various colours, and fcales of gold upon his back : fee 
 
 there : O this is an Ariftotelian : here he comes, now he fwims back again i 
 
 obferve him carefully ; he is returned, he bites, he is caught : pull him up, 
 
 ARISTOTLE. 
 Do not afk me about the fellow, I know nothing of him.. 
 
 PARRHESIADES> 
 Then I Ihall down with him after the others. 
 
 DIOGENES, 
 See, fee, yonder is a heap of them together, all of the fame colour,, 
 prickly, monflrous ugly, and harder to catch than -f crab-fifh. We muft 
 have a drag-net for them ; but there is never a one at hand : well, let us 
 catch one, that will be fufficient : the boldeft of them, perhaps, will bite. 
 
 ELENCHUS. 
 Let down your line, but you had better cover it firfl with iron, or they 
 will fnap it in two with their teeth. 
 
 * Flat-fijh.'] Lucian calls it, o Tr^ari;?, platys, which he meant for another pun, as border- 
 iiig on Plato. The filh alludded to was, probably, what the Germans call halbefche. With 
 us, I believe, it goes by the name of a hoUybutt, not unlike a turbot. 
 
 t Crab-fiJ}u'\ The echinus, or erlnaceus. Lucian fays they are prickly^ alluding to the 
 thorny fubtleties of the Stoics. Severitatera & fpinofas Stoicorura fubtilitates carpit, fays the 
 «ommentator, 
 
 P A R R H E.
 
 The F I S H E R M A N. 275 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 There It goes : now, Neptune, be propitious. Oho ! they are fighting 
 for the bait: fome are gnawing the figs, others lay hold of the gold : very 
 well : look, one of the ftrongefl of them has got the hook in him : let me 
 fee, what do you call yourfelf ? but I am a fool to expcd: a fifh will talk to 
 me; for they are all mute. Tell me, Elenchus, who is his maflcr ? 
 
 ELENCHUS. 
 
 Chryfippus. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 True. I fee it is i one might know that, indeed, by the ^ name. Do 
 you, therefore, O Chryfippus, by Minerva, I intreat you, tell me, do 
 you know thefe men, or did you teach them to adt as they do ? 
 CHRYSIPPUS. 
 
 You affront me, Parrhefiades, by that queftions can you imagine I have 
 any thing to do with luch fellows as thefe ? 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 Well faid, Chryfippus, fpoke like a man : fo down he goes headlong 
 with the reft. It is a prickly rogue, and would break any man's teeth who 
 ihould attempt to eat him. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 We will bait for no more, Parrhefiades, for fear one of them fhould run 
 away with the hook and gold together ; and then you mufl: apply to the 
 «f- prieflefs again. Come, we will even take our walk : do you return to the 
 place from whence you came, that ycu may not flay beyond your limited 
 time : you, Parrhefiades and Elenchus, mufl go about to them all, and 
 either crown or fligmatife them, as I commanded you. 
 
 PARRHESIADES. 
 
 It fhall be done : mofl noble friends, fare ye well. You and I, Elenchus, 
 mufl go down and do as we are ordered. Which way fliall we fleer our 
 courfefirfl? to the Academy, or the Portico? we will begin at the Lyceum; 
 but it is no matter where; all I know is, wherever we go, we fhall want very 
 few crowns, but a number of hot irons to mark with. 
 
 * By ibe name.] Another pun. Chryfippus, from X''^'^'"!y chfyfus, gold; alluding to the 
 bait they were fo eafily caught with. 
 
 •j- The prlejlifs.] The reader will recolleft, that the gold they baited with was lent them by 
 the prieftefs, as well as the rod and line, which- Lucian tells us fome fifhermen had left as an 
 offering in the Pirseum. 
 
 N n 2 THE
 
 THE 
 
 TYRANT, 
 
 A DIALOGUE. 
 
 In this Dialogue, which is one o/Lucian's heft, the Cruelty^ Extravagance^ and 
 Infenftbility of the Rich and Great, with their fond Attachment to Life, and all 
 its Follies, are painted in the livelieji colours. The Characters o/ Migyllus 
 is a fine Contraji to Megapenthes. His Burlefque of the Tyranfs Lamenta- 
 tion, perfonifying the Bed and Lamp, and bringing them in as Evidence, with 
 feveral other Strokes of Humour, muft divert the moji phlegmatic Reader, This 
 Dialogue is likewife called KaraTrX»?, or The Passage (from one fVorld to the 
 other), but, as the Tyrant is the principal Perfonage concerned, and one Title 
 is fvfficient^ 1 thought it mofi proper to retain that only, 
 
 CHARON, CLOTH O, MERCURY, and Others. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 ELL, fay no more, Clotho, for my boat is ready to put off, the 
 
 pump is clean, the mart raifed, the fails fpread, the oars all hang 
 
 in their proper places, and nothing, as far as I am concerned, prevents our 
 
 weighing anchor immediately : but Mercury is tardy, who ought to have 
 
 been here long ago. There are no paflengers, you fee : by this time we 
 
 might have been thrice over and back again. It is almofl dark alread)'', 
 
 and not a farthing have I taken yet. Pluto, I know, will think it is owing 
 
 to my neglecft, when fomebody elfe is in fault : but this excellent conducftor 
 
 of the dead having tailed, I fuppofe, fome Lethean water above, the fame 
 
 as we drink here below, has forgot to come back to us : he is wreftling with. 
 
 the boys, playing on his pipe, teaching rhetoric, Ihewing fome of his tricks, 
 
 or, perhaps, pilfering, for that is one of the arts he profeiTes; and this is 
 
 the reafon why he thus plays loofe with us ; though he is, properly fpeak- 
 
 ing, at lead * half our own. 
 
 C L O- 
 
 * Half our (K.vn.'] Charon feems to have had a fair right to call him fo, as half Mercury's bu- 
 fniefs was to conduii^l the (hades to hell and back again, and carry on the intercourfe between Ju- 
 piter and Pluto ; in confequence of which there arc figures of him, reprefenting his face half 
 
 white
 
 Thr T Y R A N T, 277 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 How do you know, Charon, but he may be detained about bufinefs. Ju- 
 piter, perhaps, may want him on fome particular occafion in the regions 
 above ; and he, you know, is his mafler. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 I grant you, he is ; but that is no reafon why he Ihould perpetually em- 
 ploy a fervant that is in common to us both : we never keep him back when 
 he has done his bufinefs here ; but I know the bottom of it : we have no- 
 thing for him but afphodelus, and libations, and ^ fait cakes, and funeral 
 offerings, with clouds and darknefs ; whilft, in heaven, all is light and 
 chearful : there he has good ambrofia, and nedlar in plenty, and there he 
 likes to flay longeft : away he flies from us as from a prifon ; but when he 
 is to come down again, he paces it very flow, and it is v/ith much ado we 
 
 can get him at laft. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Do not be in a paffion, Charon, for here he comes, with a large tribe for 
 us, driving them before him with his rod, Ike fo many goats : but what is 
 here ? one of them I fee bound, another laughing, another with a fatchel on 
 his flioulder, and a club in his hand, 1 coking fiercely, and pufliing on the 
 refl:: and yonder is Mercury himfelf, all over in a fweat, puffing, and blow- 
 ing, his feet covered v\ith dull, and half out of breath. What is the mat- 
 ter. Mercury ? Why all this buflle ? You feem mightily diflurbed. 
 
 M E R C U R Y. 
 How fhould I be otherwife, when this rafcally run-away has fo haraflTed 
 me in purfuing him, that I had like not to have reached you to-day.. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 What could he mean by endeavouring to clcape you ? 
 
 iM E R C U R Y. 
 The meaning is plain enough : he wanted to continue longer in the land- 
 of the living: he is fome king or tyrant, I fuppofe, by his crying and la- 
 menting the great happinefs he has been deprived of. 
 
 white and half black, to fignify that he was fometimes employed in heaven or earth, and fome- 
 times in the infernal regions. He had more bufmefs than all the gods put together, had a va- 
 riety of offices, with names exprelfive of them, and was, indeed, a perfed il/«;/g-<j amongft the 
 deities of antiquity .> 
 
 • Salt-cakes.] The v'^vuix were round broad and thin falt-cakes, which ufually made a part 
 of the funeral offerings to Hecate, or the moon. No oblation, it is obfervable, was thought 
 acceptable to the gods without fait. 
 
 C L O-
 
 2^g The tyrant. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 And fo the fool thought, by flying, to return to life again, after his thread 
 
 had been fpun by me. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Aye, and had got off too, if that brawny fellow there with the club had 
 not helped me to catch and bind him. All the way he came, from the 
 time when Atropos delivered him to me, he ftruggled, and hung back, held 
 faft by the earth, and could fcarce be dragged along ; fometimes would en- 
 deavour, by fupplications, and mighty promifes of what he would give, to 
 perfuade me to let him go for a little while : but I, as it was my duty, re- 
 mained inflexible, when he afked what was impoflible to be granted. As 
 foon as we came to the mouth of hell, where ^acus, according to cuflom, 
 called over the dead, from the lift which your After had fent him, all on a 
 fudden we difcovered that the rafcal had ftole away, one of our ftiades was 
 wanting; when ^acus, frowning feverely at me, cried. Mercury, you mufl: 
 not praftife your thieving every where, you have played tricks enough al- 
 ready in heaven, we are more regular and exadt here below, nor can things 
 be fo eafily concealed ; the account, you fee, fays, one thoufand and four, 
 you have brought me one lefs ; and now, I fuppofe, you will tell me it is 
 the miftake of Atropos. Bluftiing at this fpeech, and recoUeding what had 
 pafled on our journey, I looked about for my king, and finding he was de- 
 camped, purfued him as faft as I could, in the path leading towards earth ; 
 my good friend there, of his own accord accompanied me, till, running 
 like prifoners broke out of goal, at laft we overtook him juft at ^ T^enarus : 
 fo near was he getting clear away from us. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 And all this while, Charon, we were blaming Mercury for It. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 But what do we wait for now ? Wc have had delays enough already. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Very true; let them come aboard. I will take my book, as ufual, fit 
 on the Ihip's ladder, mark them down as they enter, and enquire who they 
 are, and whence they come, and what they died of ; do you, Mercury, put 
 them together, and fort them ; throw me in thofe children firft who cannot 
 give me an anfwer. 
 
 • T^fiarus.] A promontory in Laconia, from whence the ancients iuppofed there was a def- 
 cent to Tartarus. 
 
 M E R.
 
 The tyrant. 279 
 
 MERCURY. 
 There, take them, Charon ; chree hundred in all, including the deferted 
 and expofed. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 A noble capture, indeed ! and a fine cargo of unripe fruit you have 
 brought us. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Now, Clotho, Ihall we fend you in thofe of our dead whom nobody la- 
 ments ? 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 
 The old folks you mean : aye, aye, in with them. I Ihall afk no quef- 
 tlons, we trouble not ourfelves about what was done * before Euclid. You 
 that are above fixty there, come forward : hei, hei ! how is this ? they hear 
 me not : all deaf, I fuppofe, from old age. Come; off with them too. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 There is four hundred of them for you, wafted, withered, and not ga- 
 thered, you fee, till they were rotten ripe. 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 
 So it feems, for they look like fo many dried grapes. Now, Mercury 
 hand me thofe who died of their wounds; but flay, I will examine them by 
 the lift here : yefterday, in Media, were to be killed in battle eighty-three 
 and amongft them Gobares, the fon of Oxyartes. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Here they are. 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 
 Seven, aye, let me fee, feven died for love ; befides Theagencs the philo- 
 fopher, who killed himfelf for a harlot of Megara. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Here. 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 
 Where are the two heroes who flew each other in fighting for a kingdom? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 There they are, clofe to you, 
 
 * Se/are Eucliif.'] The thirty tyrants, who ruled over Athens after the Peloponnefian war 
 were expelled, and the kingdom reftored to its ancient freedom, in the archonfliip of Euclid ;. 
 and, that the memory of fo (hameful a Uavery might be obliterated, a law was made, that what- 
 ever had been done before the time of Euclid fhould be axvp» o, aisltraroi-, totally void, and of 
 BO force or validity. The reader will find this law again alluded to in the Herraotimus. 
 
 C LO-
 
 28(3 The T Y R A N T. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 And he that was flain by his wife and the adulterer ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 You have them. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Now give me the condemned malefaftors, thofe who were beat to death 
 with clubs, and thofe who were crucified. Sixteen, I think, were mur- 
 thered by robbers : where are they ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 There they are, covered with wounds, as you fee. Shall I bring the wo- 
 men now ? 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 By all means, and thofe who were Ihipwrecked, for they all periflied to- 
 gether, and in the fame manner. Now, give me thofe who died of fevers, 
 and with them Agathocles the phyfician : but where is Cynifcus the philo- 
 fopher, who was to die for eating Hecate's fupper, facred eggs, and raw 
 
 onions ? 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 
 I have been here fome time : but wherefore, Clotho, would you leave 
 me fo long upon earth ? my thread was well nigh fpun, I often endeavoured 
 to cut it, but, I know not why, could not fucceed, 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 I had left you to take care of mankind, and cure them of their wicked- 
 nefs : but come along; you are welcome here, and happy aiay you be ! 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 I ccme ; but let me firft deliver fafe to you our prifoner here : I am afraid 
 his intreaties will over-perfuade you to releafe him, 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 Let me fee him : who is he ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Megapenthes, the tyrant of Lacidos. 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 
 Come along. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 Spare me, good Clotho, and let me return to the other world, only for 
 a ihort time. 1 will come to you again prefently, without fending for. 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 
 What do you want to go back for ? 
 
 M E-
 
 The T Y R A N T. 281 
 
 MEGAPENTHES, 
 
 Only to finifh my houfe, that is but half-built. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Ridiculous ! come along, I tell you. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 I afk but for a little time, only permit me to flay one daj^, to give orders 
 
 about fome money to my wife : I have a treafure hid, and would let her 
 
 know where it is. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Your fate is determined ; it is impoffible. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 And mufl fo much gold be loft ? 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 It will not be loft, never fear ; your relation, Megacles, will take care 
 
 of it. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 dreadful ! my worft and moft inveterate enemy, whom I was fo idle 
 
 as not to deftroy, 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 The very man : who will furvive you forty years and upwards, poflefs 
 
 your concubines, be cloathed in your apparel, and enjoy all your treafures. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 It is very unjuft, thus to beftow all I had on my greateft foes. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Did not you do the fame thing by Cydimachus, v/hen you took all he 
 had, killed him, and flew his children before his face, whilft he was breath- 
 ing his laft. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 They were mine then, however. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 And now they are your's no longer. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 1 have fomethingto fay to you, Clotho, that no body muft hear; pleafe 
 to ftep on one fide. If you will let mc go, I will give you a thoufand talents 
 of ftamped gold this very day. 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 
 Still thinking upon gold and talents ? ridiculous I 
 Vol. I. O o ME»
 
 28i The T Y R A N T. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 I will make you a prefent, moreover, of two cups, which I took from 
 
 Cleocritus, when I flew him, both of the pureft gold, of a hundred talents 
 
 weight. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Lay hold on him ; for he feems not very willing to come in. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 I call you all to witnefs there : my walls and my haven are yet unfiniflied; 
 if I were permitted to live but five days, they might be completed. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Do not concern yourfelf about them, they will be finifhed by another. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 One thing, however, I have to afk, which I am fure you will not think 
 
 unreafonable. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 What may that be ? 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 Only that I may live till I have fubdued the Pifidx, impofed a tribute 
 
 on the Lydians, and made them promife to eredt a monument to me, on 
 
 which fliall be infcribed the many noble military exploits I have performed 
 
 in my life-time. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 So, fo ; now you are for afklng, not one day, but, perhaps, twenty years.. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 I will give you fecurlty for my immediate return, you (hall have my only 
 
 fon as a hoftage. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 What ! him whom you have fo often prayed that he might furvive you I 
 
 O thou wretch ! 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 Formerly, indeed, I wlflied it might be fo ; but now I know better. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 He mud follow you foon himfelf, for he will be taken off by the prefent 
 
 reigning tyrant. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 Grant me then, O Fate, but this one thing. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 What is it ? 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 That I may know how my affairs will go after my deceafe. 
 
 C L O.
 
 The T Y R A N T. 283 
 
 C L O T H O, 
 You Ihall hear : but it will only make you more unhappy. In the firft 
 place, Midas will enjoy your wife, he who was formerly her gallant. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 That villain, whom 1 made free but to oblige her. 
 
 C L O T H U. 
 
 Your daughter will be one of the fucceeding tyrant's concubines : the 
 images and ftatues of you, which the people had fet up, will be all pulled 
 down, the laughing-ftock of the gaping multitude. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 And have I no friend that will refent the injury ? 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 What friends have you ever had, or how could you expe(fl any ? Know 
 you not that all thofe flatterers, who praifed every thing you faid or did, 
 were actuated by their hopes or fears, time-fervers, and lovers not of you, 
 but of your power and empire ? 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 And yet at our banquets they would roar out health and happinefs to me, 
 pray for every good, and promife even to die for me, if required of them. 
 I was their god, and they fwore by me. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 And fupping, yefterday, with one of them, you perifhed : the lad cup 
 you drank of fent you hither. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 It was that then that tailed fo bitter. What did they do it for ? 
 
 ' C L O T H O. 
 
 You aik a thoufand queftions, inilead of coming in, 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 There is one thing which hurts me more than all, and makes me wifh I 
 could return to life. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 What can that be ? fomething, I fuppofc, very extraordlnarj'-. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 My fervant. Carlo, came, the very evening I died, into the chamber 
 where I lay, and feizing the opportunity, as nobody attended me, fhut the 
 door, and took pofleffion of my miftrefs, Glycerium, whom, I believe, he 
 
 O o 2 was
 
 284 The T Y R A N T. 
 
 was before pretty well acquainted with ; when he had fufficlently diverted 
 himfelf with her, he caft his eyes upon me, and cried. Many a time, rafcal, 
 have you beat me for nothing ; fo faying, he pulled me by the nofe, and 
 flapped my face ; then, fpitting on me, and bidding me get away as fall as 
 I could to the habitations of the wicked, departed. I was not a little en- 
 raged, you may fuppofe, bur, cold and lifelefs as I was, could not revenge 
 myfelf. The wicked jade, hearing a noife of people coming up, wetted her 
 eyes with fpittle, and pretended to cry, and repeating my name, as if in 
 the greateft diftrefs, took her leave alfo. * If I could once catch them 
 
 again 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Let us have none of your threats, but come along : it is time for you to 
 
 appear at the tribunal. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 And who will dare to accufe a king ? 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Nobody will accufe the king ; but the dead man Rhadamanthus will 
 take in hand, who, you will foon find, is a jufl judge, and determines im- 
 partially concerning every one. Let us therefore have no more excufe or 
 
 delay. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 Reduce me to a private ftation, let me be a poor man, nay a Have, fo zi 
 I do but return to life again. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 Where is that fellow with the club ? Drag him In, Mercury, with his 
 feet foremoft : for he does not chufe to come of his own accord. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 Come along, you run-away : here, Charon, lay hold on him, and to 
 make all fure, let him be tied to the mafl. 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 I expedt to lit in the firit feat. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 Why fo ? 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 
 Becaufe I was a king, and had ten thoufand guards. 
 
 • I/Icouhl, t^c] This is exaaiy the 
 Quos ego of Virgil. 
 
 C L O-
 
 The T Y R A N T. 285 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 And was not Carlo right in pulling you by the nofc, fuch a tyrant as you 
 have been ? but you (hall now have a better kingdom, and tafte of the club. 
 
 M E G A P E N T H E S. 
 Shall Cynifcus dare to lift up his flick againft me ? When thou wert bold 
 and impudent, flave, and offered to find fault with me, was I not near beat- 
 ing thee to death ? 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 And for that very reafon you fhall no.v be tied to the maO:. 
 
 M 1 C Y L L U S. 
 Pray, Clotho, why muft I be treated fo contemptuouHy ? becaufe I am 
 poor 1 muft come aboard lafl. 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 
 Who are you ? 
 
 M I C Y L L U S. 
 Alicyllus, the cobler. 
 
 CLOTHO. 
 
 And are you forry to be detained from us, whilft the tyrant, here, makes 
 fuch hberal promifes, if we will but fpare him ever fo Ihort a time ? I won- 
 der the delay is not more grateful to you. 
 
 M 1 C Y L L U S. 
 But, my dear good Fate, attend a little : I never admired that Cyclop 's 
 generofity, who promifed * Outis, he Ihould be the laft devoured ; for firft 
 or laft, the fame teeth muft make an end of him. Befides, we differ great- 
 ly from the rich; our way of life, indeed, is f diametrically oppofite. The 
 tyrant, whilft he lived, feemed happy, the dread and the admiration of all ; 
 but, when deprived of his treafures, his fine cloaths, his fumptuous enter- 
 tainments, his horfes, and his beauteous concubines, had reafon to com- 
 plain, and might well lament his being fo fuddenly fnatched away from 
 them. The foul, 1 know not how, fticks like bird-lime to ihefe things, 
 and cannot eafily part with what It took fo much delight In : the chain that 
 binds them together Is not to be broken : if they are feparated by violence, 
 the fufferer will cry out in agonies, and, brave as men may be in other thlno-s 
 
 * Out.-s.l Alluding to that paflligc In the ninth book of Homer's OdyfTey, where Ulyffes calls 
 himlelf OvTK, Nobody, and Polyphemus tells him. 
 
 When all thy wretched crew have felt my pow'r, 
 No man (hall be the laft I will devour. 
 
 •f Diametrically. '\ A literal tranllation of the original ix ^Mutrfu, 
 
 when
 
 2S6 The T Y R A N T. 
 
 when they travel towards thefe regions, they are all cowards : like unfuccefsful 
 lovers, they dill turn back to look on the ckfired objed:, and wifh for what they 
 left behind ; as this fool juft now did, who, in his journey hither, tried to 
 efcapc, and, ever fince he came, has been wearyinrr you with perpetual 
 prayers to releafe him. But I, who have left norhing dear behind me, who 
 had no lands, .nor houfcs, nor feafts, nor honours, nor flatues, was ready 
 prepared for you. At the firft nod of Atropos, I leaped up with joy, threw 
 afide my knife and my leather, llip-lhod as I was, my laft in my hand, and 
 without fo much as waOiing off the black, I followed immediately, or rather 
 led the way hither, never once looking behind me. Every thing here is 
 agreeable to me, and, above all, the equality of condition, which I find in 
 this place, where one is not above anothfr : here no tribute is demanded, no 
 creditors gather in their debts, here is no ftarving in winter, no ficknefs, 
 no beatings ; but peace on every fide of us : things, in fhort, are totally re- 
 verfed; for here the poor laugh, the rich groan and are tormented. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 This, I fee, diverts you, Micyllus : but what is it that moves your laugh- 
 ter mod ? 
 
 MICYLLUS. 
 
 I will tell you : when I was upon earth I lived near the tyrant, watched 
 him attentively, and thought him, I own, mofl like a god. When I faw 
 his purple garments, his numerous houfehold, his gold, his cups inlaid 
 with gems, and his gilt beds, I deemed him the happieft of men : the very 
 fmell of his pompous fuppers overcame me : furely he muft, I imagined, 
 be more than mortal, handfomer, and taller by a royal cubit than the reft 
 of mankind, walking with fuch folemnity, and ftriking terror into all be- 
 holders : but after death, when ftripped of all his finery, how ridiculous 
 did he appear 1 how did I laugh at my own folly in admiring him, in ef- 
 teeming his felicity by the fmcU of his kitchen, and pronouncing him 
 happy, becaufe the blood of a * fnell-filh had ftained his garment. 
 
 No lefs am I diverted with Gnipho, the ufurer, that poor miferable crea- 
 ture, who never, whilft living, enjoyed his riches, and now has left them 
 to the extravagant Rhodochares, his heir at law. I could not refrain from 
 laughter, when I called to mind his meagre, dirty face, and forehead, 
 
 * Ajljcll-0.'.'] The murex, from which was extiaaed the purple dye. The kings of antl- 
 4]uity, and after them, every Dives was cloathed in purple, 
 
 wrinkled
 
 The T Y R A N T. 287 
 
 wrinkled with care, rich only in thofe fingers which handled his thoufand 
 thoufand talents ; fcraping up thofe treafurcs which will foon be fquandered 
 away by his happy fucceflbr. But why do not we fet fail ? We may laugh 
 at thefe wretches as we go along. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 Come in then, that Charon may caft anchor. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Holla, there I where are you coming? The boat is full. You mufi: flay 
 behind : we will carry you early to-morrow morning. 
 
 M I C Y L L U S. 
 It is ufing me very ill, Charon, not to take me now, when j'ou know I 
 died yefterday. I will bring an indidtment againft you before Rhadaman- 
 thus. They are fetting fail, and I Ihall be left here by myfelf: but why 
 fhould not I fwim after them? I think I am flrong enough, and,- being 
 dead already, 1 need not be afraid of fuffocation : befidcs, I have not a 
 half-penny left to pay the ferryman. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 What are you about ? Stay, Micyllus, you mull not come that way. 
 
 M I C Y L L U S. 
 Perhaps, I may be over as foon as you. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 No, no, that mufl: not be : we^ll put in for him : help him in, Mer- 
 cury. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 And where can he fit now ? You fee we are brim full, 
 
 MERCURY. 
 O, clap him on the tyrant's flioulders, 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 A good thought of Mercury's : come, get afiride, and kick the rafcal's 
 neck, and now a good voyage to us ! 
 
 C Y N I S C U S. 
 Charon, I mufl even tell you the plain truth, I have not a half- penny to 
 pay you for my pafiTage ; I have nothing but this pouch, which you fee 
 here, and my ftafF. I will pump for you, however, if you pleafe, or row, 
 if you will help me to a good flrong oar. 
 
 C H A.
 
 28S The T Y R A N T, 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 Row away, then : I will afk nothing more of you. 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 
 Shall I give the rowers a catch to encourage them ? 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 By all means, if you have ever a failor's fong. 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 
 I know a great many : but thefe people here will only anfwer me with 
 
 tears and groans, and my fong will be fadly interrupted. 
 
 One of the P A S S E N G E R S- 
 
 O my riches, my riches ! 
 
 ANOTHER. 
 
 O my lands ! 
 
 ANOTHER. 
 
 How many talents of mine will my heir fquander away i 
 
 ANOTHER. 
 
 O my poor infants ! 
 
 ANOTHER. 
 
 Who fliall gather my grapes, and take care of the vineyard I planted laft 
 
 year ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Micyllus, have you nothing to moan after ? We muft not carry any body 
 
 over that does not crv. 
 
 MICYLLUS. 
 
 Ridiculous ! What fliould I cry for, when 1 am glad to go ? 
 
 MERCURY. 
 But you muft lament a little, if it is only for decency's fake. 
 
 MICYLLUS. 
 Well, if you infift upon it, I will. O my bits of leather ! my old lafis ! 
 my rotten ihoes \ Wretch that I am ! no more fhall I go from morning to 
 evenine without victuals 1 no more fliall I ramble about half naked all the 
 winter, my teeth fhaking with cold: who iliall inherit my knife, and my 
 awl? But, come, now we have cried enough. We are almoft over. 
 
 CHARON. 
 Give me my fare for your paflage, every one of you : come, Micyllus, 
 
 you half-penny. 
 
 MICYLLUS. 
 
 You are in jeft fure j you * write upon the water, as they fay, Charon, 
 
 ♦ l^ou write upon, isc.'\ A Greek proverb, to exprefs any thing impoffible. 
 
 to
 
 The T Y R A N r. 2^9 
 
 to aik Micyllus for money. I do not know whether a half-penny is round 
 
 or fquare. 
 
 CHARON. 
 
 I Ihall make a fine day's work of it, I fee ; but come, away with you : I 
 muft go for the oxen, dogs, and horfes, for they muft be brought over too. 
 
 C L O T H O. 
 
 Here, lay hold o' thefe : I muft return to the other Ihore, to look after 
 
 Indopates and Heramithres, who died in a conteft about the limits of their 
 
 empire. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Let us proceed : follow me, all of you. 
 
 MICYLLUS. 
 
 How dark it is here ! Where is now the beautiful Migyllus ? Who can 
 tell in this place whether Phryne or Simmica is the handfomeft? All are 
 on a level, all of a colour ; there is no fuch thing as beauty, nor different de- 
 grees of it i the torn and ragged garment, that once was fo difguftful, has 
 equal honour here with the royal purple ; for neither can be feen, where the 
 fame darknefs conceals them both. Where are you, Cynifcus ? 
 
 C Y N I S C U S. 
 Here am I, Micyllus ; if you pleafe, we will walk together. 
 
 MICYLLUS. 
 So we will i give me your hand : and pray now, tell me, you arc initiat- 
 ed, it feems, into the Eleufinian myfteries, does not this place put you in 
 
 mind of them ? 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 
 It does : and fee, yonder comes a female with a torch in her hand, with 
 a terrible and threatening afpedl ! is not that one of the Furies ? 
 
 MICYLLUS. 
 By the appearance it muft be. 
 
 MERCURY. [SuppofedtobefpeakingtoTifiphone. 
 
 Here, take thefe thoufand and four. 
 
 T I S I P H O N E. [To the Shades. 
 
 Rhadamanthus has expedted you fome time. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 Bring them along there : you. Mercury, muft be crier, and call them 
 up. 
 
 Vol. L P P C Y N I S-'
 
 2j^ TheTYRANT. 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 By thy great ^ father, I intreat thee, Rhadamanthus, let me be firft exa- 
 
 ^^^^ ' RHADAMANTHUS. 
 
 Why fo ? 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 
 Becaufe 1 have fomething to fay againft a certain criminal, and could not 
 
 cxpedt to be credited before it appears who I am, and how I have lived 
 
 myfelf. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 
 Who are you ? 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 
 Cynifcus, the philofopher. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 
 Come this way : you Ihall be tried firft. Do you. Mercury, call in the 
 
 witnefles againft him. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Whoever has any thing to allege againft Cynifcus the philofopher, let 
 
 him appear. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 
 Nobody appears. That, however, is not fufficient : Cynifcus, ftrip your- 
 felf, that we may fee if you have any marks. 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 Where fiiould they be ? 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 Whoever amongft you is guilty of any crimes during his mortal life, bears 
 about him certain marks of them in his breaft not publicly feen. 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 There then : now I ftand naked before you : look, if you pleafe, for 
 
 the fpots you talk of. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 He is entirely innocent, except a few little blemifties, which are fcarcely 
 vifible : but ftay, here are fome remains of a few fpots, that feem as it were 
 to have been burned in, and now are, by fome means or other, almoft blotted 
 out and obliterated : what is the meaning of this ? how happens it, Cynif- 
 cus, that you are thus wonderfully recover'd ? 
 
 • Great father.'] Rhadamanthus, we are told, was the fon of Jupiter and Europa : he reign- 
 
 «<! in one of the iflands of the Archipelago, and being a prince of remarkable probity and vii> 
 
 tue, was, after his death, raifed to the rank of one of the lord chief juftices in Tartarus, 
 
 whetc be prefided with univerf*! approbation. 
 
 C Y N I S-
 
 The T Y R A N T. 291 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 I will tell you how; formerly, from the want of educatioD, I was very 
 guilty, and contradted many ftains ; but from the time I took to philofophy, 
 by degrees I wafhed them all out. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 You made ufe of the beft and moft powerful remedy. When you have 
 given in your evidence againft the tyrant, you may retire, and affociate with 
 good men in the habitations of the bleflcd. Call up the reft. 
 
 M I C Y L L U S. 
 With me, Rhadamanthus, you will not have much trouble ; a very fliort 
 examination will fuffice ; for I have ftood naked before you fome time : look 
 
 and fee. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 Who are you ? 
 
 MICYLLUS. 
 
 Micyllus, the cobler. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 
 Very well, Micyllus : you are clear, not a fpot about you : you may join 
 Cynifcus. Now call the tyrant. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Megapenthes, of Lachys, come into court : where are you going? You, 
 tyrant, there, I call upon ; ftand forth. Tifiphone, throw him headlong 
 into the middle here : he comes ; now, Cynifcus, accufe and convid him. 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 There is no neceflity of faying much on this occafion ; you fee already, 
 by the marks upon him, what he is; I will open him, however, to you a 
 little : pafling over, therefore, the crimes he committed whilil: a private 
 man, I fhall obferve to you, that when he had raifed an army of villains, as 
 bold and impious as himfelf, he attacked the city, took poflefiion of the 
 throne, and, without trial, put ten thoufand to death ; and growing im- 
 menfely rich, by feizing all they were poffefled of, indulged in every fpecies 
 of luxury and vice, behaved in the moft fhameful and cruel manner to the 
 citizens, debauched their virgins, corrupted their youth, and, intoxicated 
 with power, trampled on all beneath him : for all his pride, infolence, and 
 oppreffion, there was no calling him to account, or procuring any fatis- 
 faction; as foon might you gaze upon the mid-day fun, without winking, 
 as dare to fix your eyes upon him. His ingenuity in devifing new torments 
 
 P p 2 vvh©
 
 292 The T Y R A N T. 
 
 who can defcribe ? He fpared not even his mod intimate friends and ac- 
 quaintance. To prove the truth of my affertion, and that this is no idle ca- 
 lumny againll him, you need only call in thofe whom he has murthered ; 
 and, behold, here they are, Handing round, and torturing him: all thefe, 
 Rhadamanthus, were cut ofFby that execrable villain; feme for the fake of 
 their handfome wives, others for refenting his ill treatment of their fons, 
 others becaufe they were rich, others becaufe they were fcnfible and ingeni- 
 ous, or too wife and honeft to approve of his adtions, 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 "What anfwer, wretch, canfl: thou give to this accufation ? 
 
 MEGAPENTHES. 
 T he murthers I acknowlege ; but my ill treatment of the young men, de- 
 bauching virgins, adultery, and the reft are all falihoods of his- own invention^ 
 
 C Y N I S C U S. 
 Rhadamanthus, I can bring witneffes to prove them all. 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 
 Where are they ? 
 
 C Y N I S C U S. 
 
 Mercury, call in his bed and lamp : thefe Ihall bear teftimony againfl 
 
 him. 
 
 MERCURY. 
 
 Megapenthe's bed and lamp, make your appearance. O^ very well ; 
 
 here they are. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 
 Come, let us hear ; what do you know of Megapenthes ? 
 
 BED. 
 
 All that Cynifcus has affirmed is true : but fuch, Rhadamanthus, were 
 
 the a(ftions he committed on me, that "^ modefty forbids me to reveal 
 
 them. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 
 The guilt of his adtions is too plain when they will not bear even to be 
 
 mentioned ; now Lamp, for your evidence. 
 
 LAMP. 
 What he did by day-light I know not, and his nightly works I Ihould be 
 forry to repeat ; I was witnefs to fome tranfadlions beyond expreflion infa- 
 
 * Mo dejiy forbids me.'] Crebillon, who probably founded his famous Conte Moral, or rather 
 Inmioral tak of the Sopha, on this thought of Lucian, feems to be of a different opinion. 
 
 mous :.
 
 The T Y R A N T. 293 
 
 mous : often would I have wifhed not to drink the oil poured in upon me, 
 and rejoiced to be extinguifhed ; but he would make me a witnels of his 
 deeds, and proftituted the light I lent him to every kind of wickednefs 
 and pollution. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 
 We have evidence enough againft him : takeoff, however, yourpurjile 
 robes, and let us fee what number of fpots you have. O heaven ! he is all 
 over livid, black and blue with fpots. How muft we punifh him ? Shall 
 we caft him into * Phlegethon, or throw him to Cerberus ? 
 
 C y N I S C U S. 
 
 No : let me propofe a new kind of punifhment for him, one that fhalt be 
 equal to his crimes. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 Mention it, I fliall be much obliged to you. 
 
 c y N I s c u s. 
 It is ufual, I think, for all your dead to drink the water of -j- Lethe. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 It is. 
 
 C Y N I S C U S. 
 
 Let him then be the only one not permitted to tafte of it. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 Why fo ? 
 
 CYNISCUS. 
 
 Thus fhall he fuffer in the fevereft manner, by calling to remembrance 
 what he was, the power he had whilfl: upon earth, and all the pleafures 
 which he once enjoyed. 
 
 RHADAMANTHUS. 
 
 Good ; very good indeed : thou art condemned : bind him, and away 
 with him to Tantalus, with the full remembrance of all that paffed in his 
 whole life. 
 
 • Phlegethon.'] A burning lake or river in the ancient hell, that furrounded the habitations 
 of the damned. 
 
 f Lethe.'] The punifliment of the tyrant, by not permitting him to forget his former condi- 
 tion, is an excellent ftroke of poetical juilice. 
 
 O N
 
 MF 
 
 DEPENDANTS 
 
 1 N 
 
 GREAT FAMILIES. 
 
 The Title in the Original is Tlt^i rut tm fji-iT^a o-uk/utwv, De mercede condu(ftis po- 
 tentiiim familiaribus, or, thofe who are Domejlic Companions for Hire* In the 
 Time of L\! elk's J it was cujlomary for the great Men of Rome, who, as the 
 Toet fays, 
 
 — Borrow'd arts from Greece, whom (he fubdu'd. 
 
 to keep in their Houfesfome indigent Greek Philofopher, or Rhetorician, by way 
 of Freceptor to their Children, or humble Companion for themfelves. In the fol- 
 Iffwing EJfay, handed down to us in the Form of a Letter from Lucian to his 
 Friend, the Satirijl defcribes, with infinite Humour, the miferable State of De- 
 pendants in great Families, and the Indignities which they were forced to fubmit 
 to. The many judicious Refle^lions in it, as they are founded on Experience, and the 
 Knowlege of human Nature, may convey InJlruSiion and Entertainment, as well to 
 modern as ancient Times, and afford very goodLeJfons to all the led Captains, 'load- 
 eaters, and domejiic Tutors of the prefent Age. 
 
 W HAT * firft, what laft, my friend, Ihall I relate ? 
 
 As the poet fings, whilft I defcribe all that the hired dependants onthe great 
 are forced to fuffer and to ad, to gain their friendlhip, if flavery like that de- 
 ferves the name. I am well acquainted with many circumftances, with mofl, 
 indeed, of thofe which happen to men of this kind, not from my own experi- 
 ence (for never was I driven to it, and grant heaven I never may), but from 
 numbers who have fallen into this way of life; from fome, who long inured to 
 it have ftiU lamented their misfortune, and from others, who, having efcaped 
 the dreadful prifon, have related their fufferings to me, not without fome 
 degree of fatisfadion ; for happy were they in recounting the miferies which 
 they were delivered from. Thofe witnefles, however, feemed moft deferv- 
 ing of credit, who were ikilled, as I may fay, in all the myfteries, and had 
 feen every thing from beginning to end. Not incurioufly, therefore, nor 
 
 * VThatfirJl^ l^c.'l See the beginning of the ninth book of Homer's Odyfley. 
 
 unat-
 
 On D E P E N D A N T S. 295 
 
 urtattentive did I liften to thofe who, faved as it were from fhipwreck, re- 
 lated their adventures, like thofe happy few whom we behold in the temples, 
 with * fhaved crowns, talking over their perils by waves and llorms, pro- 
 montories, throwings overboard, broken mafts and rudders, telling, w^lthal, 
 howf Caflorand Pollux appeared propitious to them (for thefe are necef- 
 fary attendants on tragedies of this kind), or fome other god defcending 
 from his car, as they do on the J flage, perched on the top-maft, or flood 
 at the helm, and guided the veffel to fome foft fhore, where it was foon 
 freed from every danger, and the paflengers, faved by their protcding 
 deity, returned to their homes in peace; where they tragedize moft abun- 
 dantly, and relating all their fufferings, and how, with all their calamities, 
 they feemed to be peculiarly favoured and beloved by the gods. In like 
 manner did thefe men frequently entertain me with their domeftic ftorms and 
 tempefls, their three-fold, five-fold, aye, and ten- fold waves. Shewing 
 how, when they firft fet off, the fea was placid ; and afterwards, what diffi- 
 culties they went through in the voyage, from the fait water, thirfl, and 
 ficknefs ; how they bulged on rocks, flaved their veffel, and fwam naked to 
 ihore, and in want of every neceffary. I obferved, moreover, that all this 
 time they feemed purpofely to conceal many circumflances, which they were 
 afhamed to relate, and wifhed to bury in oblivion. But thefe, and a great 
 deal more, which I have collected on this fubjecfl, I fhall make no fcruple 
 of imparting to you, my good Timocles, as I underfland you have for fome 
 
 * Shaved cr(yix.ms.'] Thofe who were fo fortunate as to efcape from a fliipwreck always cut off 
 their hair as an offering to the deities of the fea, who were fuppofed to have preferved them, 
 probably, becaufe they thought a few hairs no improper returns for faving the whole head, or, 
 perhaps, for the reafon alTigned in the following epigram, which we meet with in the Antho- 
 logiat 
 
 T\oi,vxu xai Ne|)£I, koh Ivu, x«» iWf?>J);ipT»j 
 
 T>!? Tp^a{ (X y.ifoi'Kiii' — AMo yx^ tih» ip^tf. 
 
 Which may be thus tranflated, leaving out the names, 
 
 To thofe kind gods, who deign'd his life to fpare, 
 Lucilius offers up his votive hair; 
 He hopes this little boon they will receive, 
 For, in good truth, 'tis all he has to give, 
 •f Caftor and Pollux.'] Suppofed to be the tutelary deities of mariners, who always addreffed 
 their prayers to them in times of danger and diftrefs. 
 
 + Onthcjlage.'] According to the pra»5lice of the ancient dramatics, of calling in fome deity 
 at the end of the play to unty the knot, and bring on the catailrophe, alluded to by Horace, 
 Nee deus interiit niii dignus vindice nodus. 
 
 time
 
 296 On D E P E N D A N T S, 
 
 time pafl had an inclination to enter into this courfe of life : for, frequently, 
 when the converfation turned upon it, and any of the company extolled the 
 happinefs of thofe who lived wich any noble Roman, when he obferved what 
 elegant entertainments they partook of, without any expence, lived in 
 fine houfes, travelled with eafe and pleafure, lolled in chariots drawn by 
 white horfes, and, with all this, were paid well for their company, 
 men who neither * low nor till, and yet enjoy every thing ; how often, my 
 friend, have I feen you gaping at thefe, and fuch like flories, with your 
 mouth wide open to iwallow the bait ! That you may not, therefore, lay the 
 blame on me, or fay, that when I faw you bite at this fig-baited hook, I did 
 not endeavour to draw it back before you had fwallowed it, but waited till 
 nothing but mere force could extrad it, and then flood ftill, and only cried 
 at your misfortune, left, I fay, you ihould bring this argument againfl mc, 
 which 1 could not refute, and my filence ihould thus be injurious to you : I 
 will tell you every thing from firft to laft, that you may remember there is 
 but one way out of the net, and when you have confidered that the hook is 
 iharp, and bent withal, and do not find, if you try it on your cheek, that it 
 is intolerably painful, and hard to draw out, then mark me down as a fool, 
 and as hungry after this bait as yourfelf, continue in your refolution, and, 
 if you will, gorge down the whole bait like a fea-wolf. 
 
 Though my difcourfe is defigned principally for your fervice, it will not 
 be confined to philofophers alone, or men of ferious and grave profefTions i 
 but extend itfelf to grammarians, orators, muficians, all thofe, in fliort, 
 who think it not beneath them to become hirelings and dependants, under 
 the characfter of teachers and companions. The fame, indeed, is the treat- 
 ment of all ; but when philofophers meet with it, it is certainly more re- 
 proachful and ignominious, as their maflers feldom ufe them better than 
 they do other men. In the courfe of my remarks it will appear, that thofe 
 who do the injury, and thofe who fuffer it, are equally to blame. I fhall, 
 however, remain guiltlefs, unlefs truth and freedom are unpardonable. The 
 vulgar herd of lycophants and parafites, who have low and little minds, I 
 Ihall not attempt to difTuade from this way of life, nor would they, indeed, 
 
 * Who neither fo^K), ^c.'] Alluding to that paflage in the Odyfley, where Homer defcribes 
 the land of Cyclops, 
 
 Untaught to plant, to turn the glebe, or fow, 
 They all their produ6ts to free nature owe. 
 
 See Pope's OdyflTey, book ix, 1. X2i. 
 
 eafily
 
 On D E P E N D A N T S. 297 
 
 eafily be dlfluaded by me : if fuch do not leave their mafters after the word 
 treatment, they are not worthy of reprehenfion ; they are (it for, and deferve 
 the ufage which they generally meet with ; they have no other way of em- 
 ploying themfelves, and if you take this bufinefs from them, they mufi: re- 
 main idle, lifllefs, and fuperfluous members of fociety : nor do I think fuch 
 creatures fuffer any thing degrading to them, nor are their matters barbarous 
 or tyranical : it is only putting the veflel, as we fay, to its ^ proper ufe : 
 for this they entered into the fervice ; and to bear every indignity is their 
 calling and profeflion. But with regard to thofe whom I fii ft mentioned, the 
 men of liberal education, I cannot behold it without indignation, nor help 
 endeavouring, if poffible, to regain their liberty. 
 
 It may not be improper, therefore, previoufly to confider the caufes gene- 
 rally affigned for embracing this courfe of life, and to fliew that they are nei- 
 ther cogent nor fatisfadtory : this will at once deftroy their firft great argu- 
 ment in favour of voluntary fervitude. Moft men plead povert)-, and the 
 want of necelTaries, as a fpecious reafon for thus flying to fhelter from them, 
 and think it a fufficient excufe to fay, that they endeavour to avoid penury, 
 which of all things is the moft oppreflive : then comes in Theognis to back 
 them, who is always ready with his, 
 
 -j- The man, by poverty fubdu'd, Sec, 
 
 To which they will add all the terrible things that lazy poets have faid about 
 indigence. If I could perceive that their poverty was in reality removed by 
 thcfe means, I would not have the leaft difpute with them concerning liberty: 
 but fince, as a famous J orator fays, their food is only like a lick man's 
 diet, and they remain ftill in the fame ftate, will it not follow, that they are 
 fadly miftaken ? For penury ftill accompanies them ; they arc always receiv- 
 ing, and yet never lay by any thing, but, let what will be given, expend 
 every farthing on their immediate exigencies. Surely it would better have 
 become them to find out the means, not of thus prolonging poverty, by mere 
 
 * Its proper rife. '\ Greek, n T-nv u^iia. ita^nvr^, (i in matulam immingant : this explains the 
 matter to the learned reader, the unlearned may ealily guefs the meaning, or, if he pleafes, 
 get it conftrued tor him. 
 
 f The many t^c."] The verfes on poverty, by Theognis, from which this is quoted, are ftill 
 extant, and inferted in the notes in the original ; but contain only a few common-place obferva- 
 tions, notworthy of much attention. Lucian, indeed, feems to have treated them as fuch, and 
 only quotes to ridicule them. 
 
 X A famous orator.'] Demofthenes. See the end of the third Olynth, 
 Vol. I. Q^q temporary
 
 298 On dependants. 
 
 temporary relief, but of entirely removing it. As it is, they might as well, 
 indeed, ^ Theognis, take your advice, and leap into the deep ocean, or 
 hurl themfelves down from the fleep precipice ! Mod certain, however, it is, 
 that he who is always poor, always begging, and always a Have, and yet 
 fancies, all the time, he is efcaped from poverty, can only be impofing on, 
 and deceiving himfelf. 
 
 Some allege that they ihould not be under any fear of poverty if they 
 could get their bread by labour, like other men ; but that being incapable, 
 from age and infirmities, they are forced to let themfelves out in this man- 
 ner. Let us fee, then, whether this be really fo, and what reward they 
 have for their labours, which are at lead as great, if not greater, than any 
 other fet of men whatever. To get money without toil, or trouble, would 
 doubtlefs be moft defirable ; but this is not the cafe here, for it is impoflible to 
 defcribe the toil and labour they are obliged to go through in connexions of 
 this kind, that wear out the body and mind, and require a greater Ihare of 
 health and fpirits than any other employment. We fhall make mention of 
 thefe when we come to enumerate all their diflrefles. At prefent it may 
 fuffice to obferve, that they are not to be credited who make thi-s an excufe 
 for their proftitution : the truth is, and which they never confefs, they are 
 drawn into the houfes of the great by the flattering hopes of pleafure, 
 ■f {Iruck vvith the fight of gold and filver, and happy in the enjoyment of 
 fumptuous entertainments, and dainties of every kind, fwallowing, in ima- 
 gination, as much money as they pleafe, and nobody to flop their mouths : 
 thefe are the things that allure, and turn freemen into Haves : not the want 
 cf necefTaries, as they allege, but a thirfl after what is unnecefTary, and the 
 affedlation of luxury and extravagance. Hence it is that their patrons treat 
 them as proud miftrefTes do their lovers, jufl grant them enough to keep 
 up their affedion, but with-hold the J lafl favour, as well knowing that paflion 
 ii fatiated by enjoyment ; they feed him, notvvithflanding, flill with hope, 
 
 * 77>^tg->//i.] Who fays in his two laft verfes, 
 
 H ^uiiv ya'ktitfi riifofAtvo» we>»j). 
 which means no more than that a man had better be dead, than live in poverty. 
 
 •f Struck.'\ Greek, xaT«7r?va.yEi'T«?, of wh'ich^ruck is the literal tranflation. This is one of 
 the inftances of the happy analogy between the Greek and Englifli languages, fo favourable to 
 a tranflator. 
 
 :{; Tbe lajl favour, '\ Mep(^pi (^^jXij^aro? «x^y jMjT6!^»oorT«?, fay s the original, which is extremely 
 elegant, but could not be literally tranflated. 
 
 left
 
 On dependants. 
 
 299 
 
 left defpair fhould entirely damp his ardour, and put an end to the attach- 
 ment : they fmile, therefore, and promife, and are always about to do fome- 
 thing very great ; age in the mean time creeps on, and both grow too old 
 either to impart happinefs or to receive it; and thus life is fpent in nothing 
 but vain hope, and fruitlefs expeftation. 
 
 For thofe, however, who are fo fond of pleafure, that they will go through 
 every thing in purfuit of it, it may not be altogether fo reprehenftble if they 
 fubmit to fome indignities, though, at the fame time, it is mean and bafe 
 to fell themfelves for it, as the pleafure which liberty beftows is infinitely 
 fuperior to every other. It may be pardonable, notwithflanding, if, after 
 all, they can really get poffeflion of it : but, for the mere hope of this blef- 
 fing, to fufFer fo much, is furely the height of madnefs and folly. The 
 difficulties which they have to flruggle through, they muft perceive, are 
 manifeft and unavoidable ; and what they hoped for, never yet has, nor, 
 probably, ever may come to pafs. The companions of UlyfTes, when they 
 had tafted the fweet ^ lotus, thought of nothing elfe, and negled:ed all that 
 was right and good. Their negligence, perhaps, engaged as they were in 
 that delightful employment, might in fome meafure be excufeable ; but 
 for a familhed wretch to ftand perpetually by another devouring lotus, and 
 yet never offering him any, only with the diftant hope, that in time he may 
 chance totafte of it ; in the mean while, forgetting every thing that is good 
 and virtuous, is furely moll truly ridiculous, and worthy of Homeric flridlure. 
 
 For this, or fomething like this, it is that fo many give themfelves up to 
 the rich and great, to be treated as they think proper. Some, indeed, 
 whom, perhaps, you will fay, I fhould have mentioned, do it merely for 
 the honour and glory of keeping company with the rich, the noble, and the 
 well-drefled : there are, who imagine this denotes fomething grand, and 
 above the vulgar caft; though, for my own parr, I would not affociate with 
 a king, merely becaufe he was fo, unlefs fome advantage refulted to me 
 from it. 
 
 * Lotus.} The trees around them all their fruit produce, 
 Lotus the name : divine, necftarious juice, 
 
 which, whofo talles, 
 
 Infatlate, riots in the fweet repass ; 
 
 Nor other home, nor other care intends. 
 
 But quits his houfe, his country, and his friends. 
 
 See Pope's Homer's Odyfley, book ix, 1. loj. 
 
 Qjl 2 Having
 
 goo On dependants. 
 
 Havino- thus traced the caufe, let us now confider, firft, the miferies 
 which they undergo, before they are admitted into this fociety ; in the next 
 place, what happens to them when they are there, and laflly, what, after 
 all, is the cataftrophe of the drama. 
 
 And firft, then, there mufl be a great deal of running backwards and for- 
 wards, and waiting at the doors ; you muft rife early, ftay a long time, 
 bear much, muft be fhut out, perhaps, or called impertinent by a blunder- 
 ing * Syrian porter, or an African nomenclator, whom you muft take care 
 to fee well, that they may not forget to give in your name : you muft drefs 
 yourfelf, withal, beyond your circumftances, according to the rank of your 
 patron, and chufe fuch colours for your cloaths as are moft agreeable to him, 
 for fear he (hould be affronted when he fees you : then be fure you follow 
 him clofe, or rather pufhed on by his flaves, join his train, walk before him, 
 and make a part of his pompous attendance : and, after all, perhaps, for 
 feveral days he may never fo much as look upon you : if, at laft, you are fo 
 happy as to be feen by him, if he fhould call to you, and afk you a quef- 
 tion, any thing, perhaps, that comes uppermoft, then your head turns 
 round, you fweat and tremble, and all that are by laugh at your confufion. 
 If he afks you who was king of the Greeks, you anfwer, they had a thou- 
 fand fhips; this the good-natured will call modefty, the bold and impudent 
 will ftyle it timidity, and the malevolent will attribute it to your ignorance : 
 whilft you yourfelf, finding, for the firft time, how dangerous it is to be 
 over-complaifant, take your leave, heartily aftiamed of your foolifti diffi- 
 dence. When, at length, after you 
 
 Long fleeplefs nights in heavy arms have ftood. 
 And fweat laborious days in duft and blood, 
 
 as the t poet fays, though not fighting for fair Helen, or Priam's Troy, 
 but in hopes of getting five farthings, by the affiftance of fortune, or fome 
 tragedy god, you come to the trial, and to be examined whether you are a 
 man of letters ; for the rich and great are fond of this kind of bufinefs, as it 
 
 * Syr ia7i porter. "l The great men of Rome, at that time, we may fuppofe, kept Syrian por- 
 ters at their doors, as we, not long fince,. ufed to employ Swifs in that office. What Luciaii 
 calls the oiofxav.^jjTwf, was probably another kind of fervant, who, like our footmen, announced 
 the company as they came in. 1 he appointing blundering foreigners to this employment was 
 thought, asamongftus, a mark of diftinftion amongft their nobility, who were, in many of 
 their cuftoms, almoft as proud and ridiculous as our own. 
 
 f Ji the poet /ay i.1 See Achilles' fpeech, in the ninth book of the Iliad. 
 
 redounds
 
 OnDEPENDANTS. 301 
 
 redounds to their honour. Then begins the atfair to appear of theutmoll con- 
 feijuence to you, as if your very life and being were concerned in the deter- 
 mination. It is, indeed, a mod ferious matter ; for if you are rejedled as 
 unworthy by your firft patron, you can never be received by another. Your 
 mind, therefore, muft be diftradled, and torn to pieces, partly from the 
 envy you bear to thofe who are examined with you (for we will fuppofe 
 many others in the fame (ituation), and partly from your fear of not acquit- 
 ting yourfelf fo well as you might have done; then arife hopes and fears in 
 abundance, and you river your eyes upon him : if he feems to diflike what 
 you fay, you look upon yourfelf as undone; but if he liftens with a gracious 
 fmile, your hopes are raifed, and you are mightily rejoiced. In the mean 
 time, it is very probable, you may meet with enemies, that will traduce 
 and fend out their * arrows againft you in fecret ; fome man with a long 
 beard and white hair ihall be fought for, and afked if he knows of any thing 
 particular, and there will always be found others that will give him credit. 
 Then all your paft life muft be carefully enquired into; and if any of your 
 good neighbours, either incited by envy, or who has received fome flight 
 affront from you, fhall fay you are a pathic, or adulterer, he Ihall be called 
 a -j- witnefs from the court of Jove : but if, on the other hand, all unite to 
 praife and recommend you, then they are looked upon as very doubtful evi- 
 dence, or falfe and corrupted : you muft be very fortunate, indeed, and meet 
 with no oppofition, if you fucceed. We will fuppofe then^ that every thing 
 goes right, that the great man approves your fpeech, and that his moft ref- 
 peded friends, whofe opinion he always takes on thefe occafions, do not 
 endeavour to fet him againft you ; that his wife likes, that his fteward and 
 houfe-keeper do not oppofe you, that no body finds fault with your life and 
 manners, but that every thing is expiated and atoned for. At length then, 
 happieft as thou art of men, thou haft conquered, thou art crowned at the 
 J Olympic games, or rather, as I may fay, thou haft taken Babylon, and 
 the tower of Sardis is furrendered to thee : thou flialt poffefs the Amalthcean 
 
 * Their arro'x's.'] Greek, ik Koyuro^ivut. The fame metaphor is made ufe of by the Pfahnift, 
 ♦' They flioot out their arrows, even bitter words." 
 
 ■j- A ivitnefsf fe'r.] This was a kind of proverbial expreffion, to fignify a rtronor and incon- 
 teftible evidence. The ex Jovis tabulis teflis, is mentioned by Erafmus in his Paroemia. 
 
 i Ofymp/c games.] The conquerors at the Olympic games were crowned with a garland of the 
 facrcd olive, were publicly applauded, had Ihitues erected at the expence of the community, 
 and honours of every kind paid to them by their countrymen and friends. See Weil's Diflerta» 
 tion on the Olympic Games, fed. xvi. 
 
 horn-j
 
 ^02 On DEPENDANTS. 
 
 horn, and drink the milk of birds : for the labours thou haft gone through, 
 what rewards fliould'ft thou not inherit ! not of leaves alone (hould be thy 
 garland : no fmall or contemptible prefcnts art thou entitled to, fuch as no 
 doubt (hould be paid without difficulty, and whenever you ftand in need of 
 them, befides honours and dignities above the vulgar; now you may expeft 
 relief from all your toils and labours, your dirty walks, and waitings ; the 
 happinefs which you wifned for, of ftretching your feet, and ileeping at 
 your eafe, doing nothing but what you at firft agreed to do, and which alone 
 you were hired to perform. Nor for this, Timocles, would it be any great 
 hardlhip to bear on your fhoulders a light and eafy yoke, and what is more, 
 a golden one too ; but the truth is, a great deal is ftill behind, and, indeed, 
 every thing : for, even when you are got into the family, there are a thou- 
 fand circumftances highly difguftful to the free mind. Confider within 
 yourfelf, whilft I recount them, whether they are fuch as can be borne by 
 any man of liberal education. 
 
 I will begin then with the firfl fupper you are invited to, a fpecimen of 
 what is to follow. An upper fervant is difpatched to defire your company ; 
 whom, that you may appear genteel, you muft tip with at leaft three drach- 
 mas : he will feem at firft to be very angry, and cry out, what from you. 
 Sir ! by no means, till at laft he fuffers himfelf to be over-perfuaded, and 
 leaves you with a broad grin. Then you put on your new cloathes, and 
 being waflied and dreffed in the beft manner, fet our, afraid, perhaps, all 
 the while that you fhould get there firft ; for that would be an indecorum, 
 as coming laft is a mark of pride ; carefully, therefore, obferving the true 
 medium, you nick the exadt time, are uftiered in, and defired to fit down 
 on the great man's right hand, and clofe to two of your old acquaintance. 
 And now, as if you had got into the palace of Jupiter, you begin to ftare 
 and wonder at every thing about you, for it all appears new and ftrange : 
 the family fix their eyes upon you, ard the company watch your every 
 adion ; the great man himfelf is not unobfervant of it, for he has already 
 told the fervants to mark how you behave towards his wife and children, 
 and whether you frequently caft your eyes upon, and admire them. The 
 attendants laugh at your confufion, and conclude, from the aukwardnefs of 
 your behaviour, that you feldom fup out, or rather, indeed, that you never 
 had a napkin laid for you before. You muft confcqucntly, therefore, be 
 in a panick, afraid, if you are ever fo dry, to afk for the cup, left they fhould 
 
 call
 
 OnDEPENDANTS. 303 
 
 call you a wine-bibber; and when fruit of every kind is placed before you, 
 ferved up in its proper form and order, you are at a lofs which to touch 
 firfl : then you have nothing to do but look flily upon your next neighbour, 
 whom you muft take care to imitate, and learn of him the whole ceremony 
 of a great fupper. Struck with wonder at every thing about you, you are 
 flill perplexed and uneafy, envying the great man's condition, with all his 
 riches and fine things, and lamenting your own ; then, perhaps, comfort- 
 ing yourfelf with the profpedt of future happinefs in life, and the hope of 
 participating his felicity ; for you exped: thefe Dionyfia will laft for ever. 
 The boys, withal, who wait at table, give you a flattering pidure of the 
 life you are to lead, and you cry out with Homer, 
 
 * No wonder fuch coeleftial charms, 
 Shou'd fet th* ambitious world in arms. 
 
 I would do and fuffer many things for fuch a reward. Then comes the liba- 
 tion to friendfhip ; fomebody takes a great cup and drinks to the preceptor, 
 the mailer, or by whatever name they think proper to diftinguilh you ; you 
 take another, and not knowing how to return the compliment, are laughed 
 at for an ignoramus. By this, notwithftanding, you gain the envy of your 
 old friends and acquaintance, and thus, at your very firft fetting off, offend 
 a number of people, who are all angry that a new gueft Ihould be preferred 
 to them, who have worn out fo many years in the fervice. This alone, wiii 
 they fay, was wanting to crown our misfortunes : that we fhould be ftt 
 afide for one who is juft come into the houfe. But Rome, fays one, is open 
 to none but thefe Greeks ; and what is it they fo much excel us in ? Of 
 what mighty fervice are their miferable fpceches ? Do not you fee, fays an- 
 other, how much he drinks, and devours every thing before him, an auk- 
 ward -f hungry fellow, who never thinks he has enough of white bread, 
 pheafants, and Numidian hens, and will fcarce leave us fo much as the bones 
 to pick. Be quiet, you fools, fays a fourth, in four or five days you will 
 fee him as miferable as yourfelves : at prefent, indeed, like a new fhoe, he 
 is in fome efleem and taken care of, but when he is worn out and full of 
 dirt, he may lay under the bed, worm-eaten like us. Thus will they be per- 
 
 * NoivoHt^cr, fe'c] The words of the old men on feeing the beauteous Helen. See Ho- 
 mer's Iliad, book iii. 1. 156. 
 
 t Hungry fcll(n\).'\ Gracculus efurlens. Sec Juv. 
 
 pctually
 
 304 On dependants. 
 
 petually prating, and fome of them, perhaps, layhig up a flock of flill 
 feverer calumny againft you. 
 
 The whole feaft, therefore, may be called your's, as all the converfation 
 is about you ; and now, drinking more than you are ufed to, of light thin 
 wine, you are very ill with it ; to get up before the reft of the company 
 would be rude, and yet to flay longer is hardly fafe. The drinking 
 goes on, one flory fucceeds to, and one entertainment comes on the back of 
 another : in the mean while you fufFer no fmall uneafinefs ; neither able to 
 fee any thing that goes forward, or to hear the young men fing and play; 
 commend, however, you mufl, though you are wllhing all the time that an 
 earthquake would fhake the room, or an alarm of fire frighten the company, 
 and break up the entertainment. 
 
 Such, my friend, is your firft fweet fupper. For my own part, I fhould 
 prefer an onion and fair, with the liberty to eat it when, and juft as much 
 of it as I pleafed : for, not to mention the diforders of the head and ftomach 
 which generally follows a debauch of this kind, you are to meet the day after 
 to fettle your falary, and the time of receiving it ; two or three friends are 
 called together, you are defired to lit down, and the great man begins : " You 
 faw yeflerday in what manner I live, that there is no form and parade in my 
 houfe, nothing * grand or fuperb, but all plain and fimple ; and I would 
 have you to underfland that you are to look upon every thing here as belong- 
 ing equally to us both : abfurd, indeed, to the lad degree would it be, when 
 I repofe my whole mind, that greateft of all trufls, on you ; when I com- 
 mit to you the care of my children (if he has any), to refufe you any thing 
 elfe; I know your moderation; know that happy difpofition of your's, which 
 is always its own befl reward, and am fatisfied, that you did not come to 
 live with me from any motives of felf-intereft, but for the fake of my friend- 
 fhip, and the regard which every body will have for you on that account : 
 fince, however, a certain fum mult be agreed on, let it be fixed ; you fhall 
 name it yourfelf, if you pleafe; but remember, my friend, the prefents 
 which vou may exped: from mc on the annual feflivals, which, however, 
 we determine this point, fliall never be forgotten ; you will obferve this, and 
 proportion your demand accordingly : but you fcholars, I know, are fupe- 
 rior to all pecuniary confiderations." 
 
 * "Nothltig g7-a?uh'\ The original fays, a Tgaywovjra, not pompous, or tragedy-likc The ex- 
 preffion is flrong and remarkable, but would not admit of a literal tranflation. 
 
 Thefe
 
 OkDEPENDANTS. 305 
 
 Thefe fine fpeeches feed you with hope, and you arc foon brought over : 
 you that but a little before had dreamed of a thoufand talents, whole acres, 
 and houfes, begin to difcover a little parfimony; you flatter yourfelf, how- 
 ever, with his promifes, and fuppofe he mud have been in earned when he 
 talked of all things being in common between you : little thinking that 
 fuch things as thefe 
 
 * Juft touch the lips, but never wet the tongue. 
 
 At length, out of modefty, you fubmit it to him : he will deny, perhaps, 
 that he faid any fuch thing, and refer it to fome friend who was prefent, de- 
 firing him to name a middle price, fuch as can reafonably be afforded by hitn 
 who has a great many other expences upon him, and, at the fame time, fuch 
 as may not be unworthy of your acceptance. Then ftcps in an old acquain- 
 tance, inured to flattery from his youth upwards; * how happy may you 
 efteem yourfelf, cries he, to light on fuch an offer immediately, which fo 
 many have been long wifliing for, to be thought worthy of fuch a table, 
 and fuch a connexion, to be admitted into one of the firft houfes in the Ro- 
 man empire ! it is a happinefs, if you know how to prize it as fuch, be- 
 yond the talents of Crcefus, or the treafures of Midas, when I know fo 
 many men of the bed families who would be proud of living with him, and 
 being called his friend and companion, merely for the honour of it ; I can- 
 not find words to exprefs your good fortune ; when, over and above this 
 happinefs, you are, withal, to receive a falary for it; I cannot but think, 
 therefore, unlefs you are of all men the mod unreafonable, that you will be 
 
 very well fatisfied with* and here he mentions fome paltry fum, very in- 
 
 confiderable, at lead in proportion to your expedtations. Now, however, 
 you mud make the bed of it, for you are caught in the net, and there is 
 no getting out again. You take the bridle in, and fliut your mouth quietly, 
 fubmitting patiently to your rider, who will not draw the bit tight, nor fpur 
 you hard, until you are grown quite tame. 
 
 Folks abroad, in the mean time, will envy you, feeing you have got 
 poflTeflion, and have free egrefs and regrefs, without let or moledation ; 
 though you may, perhaps, fee no reafon yourfelf why they fliould think you 
 
 * y«/? touch the lips^ \^c.'\ From this line in Homer, 
 
 Labra rigalTe quidem, non hume6tafle palatum. 
 See II. X*. 1. 495. Pope has omitted it in his tranflation. 
 
 Vol. I. R r fo
 
 3o6 OnDEPENDANTS. 
 
 fo happy, you are ftill, however, agreeably deceived, and imagine that 
 things will go better for the future : but the diredt contrary of what you ex- 
 pected comes to pafs ; it is * Mandrabulus' bufinefs, as the old adage fays, 
 it grows lefs and lefs every day, and all goes backwards. 
 
 At length, by degrees, through a kind of glimmering light, you begin to 
 perceive that all your golden hopes were nothing but water-bubbles, and 
 your labours and miferies but too real, inevitable, and perpetual. And what, 
 you will fay, are they ? I fee nothing in all this fo mifcrable or laborious, 
 I will tell you, my friend, what there is; attend tome, and you fhall hear, 
 not only what there is in it fo laborious, but how bafe alfo, mean, and fer- 
 vile is the employment. 
 
 And firft, remember, that from this time you are no longer free or noble. 
 Your libert)^, your name, and family, were all left behind, the moment 
 you entered thofe doors as a voluntary Have. On fuch mean and degrading 
 bufinefs freedom would never deign to accompany you. A Have however 
 you deteft that name, you are, and muft be ; not of one, but of many, and 
 muft bend your neck to the yoke from morning to evening for paltry wages. 
 And as you were not brought up to flavery, but learned the habit late in life, 
 and voluntarily offered yourfelf when at years of maturitj'-, you will be no 
 great favourite of your mailer's, nor held in any degree of eftimation by 
 him ; for the remembrance of former freedom fpoils you for a Have, and ren- 
 ders you incapable of performing, as you ought, the offices of one. A flave, 
 however, you certainly arc, though' not the fon of ■^- Pyrrhias or Zopyrion ; 
 nor fold, like Bichynians, by public auftion : for if, when the day of pay- 
 ment comes, you hold out your hand, like other fervants, and take what 
 you can get, you are to all intents and purpofes a hired flave ; there wants no 
 crier to put up to fale the man who fells himfelf, and who, for a long time, 
 has been in fearch of a mafter. 
 
 Mean wretch ! (for fo I muft call the man who pretends to be a philofo- 
 pher) ; if a pirate had fold thee, thou would'ft have lamented thy loft free- 
 
 * Mandrahulus.'\ This was a kind of proverbial expreffion, ufually applied to perfons or 
 things growing by degrees worfe and worfe, and is faid to have derived its original from one 
 Mandrabulus of Samos, who, having found a confiderable treafure, thought it his duty to of- 
 fer up an annual facrifice to Juno. The firft year, it feems, he gave her a golden {beep, the 
 fecond only a filver, and the third a brafs one. The proverb, we fee on the explanation of it, 
 was happily applied. 
 
 t Py^^^'^^ °^ Zopyrion.'] See the notes on Timon. 
 
 dom
 
 OnDEPENDANTS. 307 
 
 doni as the word of calamities; if by violence thou hadfl been taken away 
 and carried into llavery, thou vvouldft have raved, complained, appealed to 
 the laws, and called heaven and earth to witnefs the indignity ; and yet with 
 all thy virtue and wifdom, even at an age when, if thou hadll: been born a 
 flave, it would have been time to look forward towards liberty, thou couldtl 
 fell thyfelf for a few pence; regardlefs of all that the noble Plato, Chry- 
 fippus, and Ariftotle had faid in praife of liberty, and againd (hameful fer- 
 vitude : are not you afhamed to herd with parafues, and rafcah ; to be feen 
 amongft Romans, the only one, perhaps, in a foreign garb, talking bald 
 Latin, and frequenting noify feafls, with crouds of men of bad chara<fters ? 
 At thefe entertainments you praife without judgment, drink more than you 
 can bear, and then, roufed by the bell, before your fleep is half out, rife 
 up early, run about from place to place, without wiping off the diit of yef- 
 terday from your fhoes. Was there no pulfe, no wholefome herbs, no foun- 
 tains of living waters left, that you fhould be driven to this neceffity r But 
 it is plain you do not chufe pulfe and water; dainties, fweet-meats, and 
 fcented wines are more alluring : thefe muft be paid for fome way or other; 
 the collar, therefore, is put about your neck, and, like a monkey, you are 
 fhewn for diverfion : and, in the mean time, you comfort yourfelf that you 
 can devour as many figs as you pleafe; whilft liberty, and her attendant vir- 
 tues, are buried in oblivion. 
 
 But the lofs of your freedom is not the worft of this bufinefs ; if that were 
 all it might be borne; for the labour, you will hj, is not the fame as that 
 of common fervants. And yet, let us examine whether your talk is not harder 
 than * Dromo's or Tibius's : that learning and knowlege, which, he fays, in- 
 duced him to make choice of you, he has in fadt no notion of, nor docs he 
 trouble himfelf about it. What, indeed, as the f proverb fays, has the 
 afs to do with a lyre ? and yet how many there are who pretend to figh for 
 the wifdom of Homer, the gravity of Demofthenes, the magnanimity of 
 Plato ! though, fetring afide their riches, there is nothing valuable about 
 them, as their minds are full of nothing but pride, ignorance, ill-nature, 
 and extravagance : he wants you nor, therefore, for your learning or know- 
 lege, but becaufe you have got a long beard, and a venerable afpect, and 
 wear a Grecian habit; becaufe you are known to be a grammarian, a phi- 
 
 • Dromo's or Tihius\] The common names of flaves. 
 
 f Proverb fay s."] Afinus ad Lyram. See Erafmus in Adagio. 
 
 R r 2 iofopher.
 
 3o8 OnDEPENDANTS. 
 
 lofopher, or an orator; he likes to have a man of your charadter in his train, 
 for then he may be thought fond of Grecian literature himfelf, and an ad- 
 mirer of thofe docflrines which it inculcates. What is this then, after all, 
 but to let out your beard and cloak for a few fine fpeeches ! You muft al- 
 ways be feen with him, and can never flay behind, never quit )^our pofl, but 
 be conilantly at hand to perform your duty. He, perhaps, will condef- 
 cend to throw his arm round, and joke familiarly with you, to fhew the 
 world that, even whilfl he is walking the ftreets, he is not forgetful of the 
 Mufes, but employs every leifure minute to the beft advantage. You, trudg- 
 ing along, fometimes fafler, and fometimes flower, through rough ways, 
 up hill and down (for fuch, you know, our city is), come in at laft fweat- 
 ing and out of breath, and whilfl he is chattering with fome friend within 
 doors, you ftand without; there is no place to fit down in, and, having no- 
 thing elfe to do, take out a book to divert yourfelf; at length, after pafl!ing 
 the day without meat or drink, about midnight you get a little fupper, not 
 refpedted or attended as you were at firft, but drove up into fome corner, 
 to make room for a new gueft, gnawing your bone, like a dog, behind, 
 or content with a dry leaf of mallow ; if thofe who were ferved before you 
 chance to leave any behind them : nor is this all the indignity you may fuf- 
 fer : for not an egg will they let you have to yourfelf; you mufl: not pretend 
 to like what ftrangers are fond of, for that would be impudence in you; 
 nor to expe(fl the fame fine birds as they have, plump and crammed; half a 
 chicken, or a dry pigeon may ferve you ; which is, no doubt, the higheft 
 affront they can put upon you : but it often happens that if there is a fear- 
 city, and a new guefl comes in, the fervant takes away what he had put be- 
 fore you, and carries it to him, whifpering, perhaps, in your ear, " you 
 are one of the family." If a flag, or a fucking pig comes to table, you mufl 
 depend on the mercy of a kind carver, or turn * Prometheus, and help 
 yourfelf to fome bones well-covered with fat: for your next neighbour who 
 fits above you, there is always a plate ready as long as he chufes to eat, 
 though nobody will help you to one : who, that had but the fpirit of a deer, 
 could tamely bear this ? But another thing, which I have not yet mentioned 
 is, that whilfl every body elfe is drinking good old wine, you mufl: fwallovv 
 that which is thick and good for nothing ; you take care, therefore, to drink 
 out of gold or filver, that it may not be known, by the colour of your li- 
 
 * Prometheus.'] See note on Lucian's Prometheus, 
 
 quor.
 
 On DEPENDANTS. 
 
 309 
 
 quor, of how little confequence you are in fuch company; but even of this 
 fluff you are not at liberty to drink as much as you pleafe j for it often hap- 
 pens that when you call for It, the * boy will pretend he n?ver heard you. 
 
 This, and more than this, every thing, in (hort, mud hurt you ; but, 
 above all, when the fiddler, the dancing mafter, and the little Alexandrian 
 with his love-fongs, is preferred before you; for you muft never expedl to be 
 held in equal efteem with thefe tempting minions : you have nothinp- to do, 
 therefore, but to hide yourfelf in a corner, lament your fate, and accufe 
 . cruel fortune for denying you fuch allurements. How you wifli now that 
 you were a writer of love verfes, or even that you could fing thofe of others, 
 when you fee how much thefe talents are prized ! you might ftand your 
 ground if you were only a conjurer, or fortune-teller, who promlfes eftates, 
 riches, and empires : for thefe you fee are admitted into the friendfhip of 
 the great, and rewarded with honours and dignities ; but for all this you 
 are totally unqualified ; you muft of neceflity, therefore, be degraded, and 
 weep your wretched condition in filence and forrow. If it fhould be whif- 
 pered that you are the only one who did not join in applauding your miftrefs* 
 finger, or dancer, let me tell you, you are in no fmall danger : you muft 
 learn to roar like an old frog, till you are hoarfe, and take care that you 
 lead up the chorus ; for when every body elfe is filenr, to throw in a ftudied 
 eulogium, will Ihew your ikill in adulation : and yet to be crowned and 
 anointed, and at the fame time have neither viduals nor drink, is truly ri- 
 diculous. You are like the monument of a perlbn lately dead, which the 
 relaticns drefs up, and pour ointments upon, whilft they eat the meat, and 
 drink the wine themfelves. Add to all this, that if your patron be jealous, 
 his wife young, or his children handfome, if Venus and the Graces have 
 not utterly renounced you, there may be no fmall danger. The great have 
 always a number of ears and eyes about them ; eyes that fometimes fee, not 
 only what is really done, but what they would have it thought you do; 
 when you fit at table, therefore, you muft look down, as the Perfians do, 
 
 * The hoy ^ i£c.'\ This is painting from nature, which is the fame in all times and places. I 
 was myfelf, not long fince, at a great man's table, and in company with an unhappy female 
 dependant on the family, one Mrs. Gibbons, (for that name will ferve the readeras well as her 
 real one) who not having been taken notice of in the hob and nob round, took the liberty to 
 fignify her inclinations, juft by faying in a low voice to the fervant as he pafled by her, J wifh 
 I had a glafs of wine, John: to which John very coolly replied (but without helping her to 
 one), Iwifli you had, Mrs. Gibbons. 
 
 for
 
 3IO On D E P E N D A N T S. 
 
 for fear one of the eunuchs iliould obferve your glances, and another, per- 
 haps, reprove you for gazing where you ought not. 
 
 At length you leave the feaft, and go to bed, from whence roufed at the 
 .cock-crowin<>-, you get up, and cry out, what a poor miferable wretch am 
 I ! doomed thus to quit my old companions, and employments, that fvveet 
 ileep, which I could indulge in as long as I pleafed, my free and uncontro!- 
 ed walks! plunged myfelf into this gulph of mifery ! good gods! and for 
 what ? where is the noble reward 1 expedted ? might not I have gained much 
 more than this, and dill kept my freedom and my happinefs? Like the* lion, 
 as they fay, bound by a thread, I am dragged up and down-, and, which is flill 
 more dreadful, gain no charadter, and conciliate no affedion. I am aukward 
 and ridiculous in the bufmefs, efpecially when compared to thofe who make 
 an art ofit; befides,! am an ungracious and unacceptable companion, and can- 
 not raife a laugh; I perceive I am often troublefome, and even morefo, when 
 1 ftrive to be more than ordinarily pleafant and facetious, then I appear moll: 
 difguftful, nor do I believe I fhould ever make myfelf agreeable to him; for 
 if I preferve my gravity, I feem furly and morofe, and he can fcarce bear my 
 company; and if I harmonize my face into fmiles and complacency, he laughs 
 at and defpifes me : it is juft like a perfon adting comedy with a + tragic 
 malkon. At prefent I live only for others; the time, I hope, will come, 
 when I Ihall live in a very different manner, and for myfelf alone. 
 
 In the midft of thefe refledions, the bell rings, and you muft return to your 
 old courfe, go of errands, run about, or (land flill, as you are bid, taking 
 care always to X oil your knees and thighs beforehand, that you may be ready 
 for the lifts ; mean time the way of living, fo different from what you were 
 ufed to, the watchings, fatigue, and toil you undergo, foon wear you out, 
 bring on a confumption, ihortnefs of breath, pains in the bowels, or, perhaps, 
 § a fine gout : you flill hold out, however, till bed-time, when you go to 
 
 * Like the lion, isfcl Alluding, perhaps, to the flory of Androclus, told by ^llan and 
 others. Poftea, fays Gellius, videbamus Androclum'et leonem loro tenui revinilum, urbe to- 
 la circum tabernas ire, &c. It pafled, probably, from this ftory into a proverbial expreffion.— 
 Leo cordula vinetus — SeeErafm. Paroeniio. 
 
 \ A tragic fnajh,'] For an account of the ancient maiks, fee Hedelin, and the Diflertation on 
 the Ancient Theatre, prefixed to my tranflation of Sophocles. 
 
 + Oil.'] Alluding to the curtom of the combatants in the Palaeftra, who always prepared for 
 the gymnaftic exercifes by rubbing their limbs with oil. The parafite dependant confines it to 
 the knees for a very obvious reafon. 
 
 § J fine gout.'] Lucian fays, tt.v xaM> m^ayfxvf which tljie Latin tranflator renders, praecia- 
 ram podagrum, the famous gout. 
 
 reft:
 
 On dependants. 
 
 3»i 
 
 reft: but even that relief is often denied you; for your diforder, they will 
 fay, is only a pretence, and to avoid doing your duty ; with all this you 
 grow pale, and look like a man juft at the point of death. 
 
 Such is your town life. When you go journics into the countrj^, which of- 
 ten happens, you will meet with more difficulties. Amongft others, if it rains 
 ever fo hard, you muft come laft (for that is your place), and wait for the 
 carriage, and, perhaps, if there is no room there, muft be fluffed in with 
 the cook and your lady's chambermaid in the litter, with hardly draw enough 
 to keep you warm. 
 
 * And here I cannot help relating what Thefmopolis the Stoic philofopher 
 told me once happened to him, and, ridiculous as it is, may not improbably 
 happen to others alfo. He lived fome time in the houfe of a very rich and 
 delicate lady ; and one day, when they went abroad together, it fell out that 
 a certain minion, with a fmooth-fhaved chin, and all over perfumes, who, 
 we may fuppofe, was in high favour with the lady, was ordered to take his 
 place next to our philofopher : his name I think he told me was Chelido- 
 nius. What a fetting out was this ! Think only of a furly old fellow with a 
 long beard, for you know Thefmopolis had a moft venerable one, fitting 
 clofe by a creature with painted cheeks, fwimming eyes, and a neck reclined 
 on one fide, plucking out the fmall feathers of his beard ; if they had per- 
 mitted him he would have worn a hood and fcarf, and there would he fit 
 finging loofe fongs all the way, and even, if they had not prevented him, 
 would have danced in the carriage ; thefe were fome of his misfortunes, but 
 now comes another worfe than all. Thefmopolis, cries the lady, will you 
 grant me one favour ? it is a great one indeed, but I know you will not deny 
 it me : he promifes, as you may fuppofe, to do every thing : It is only this, 
 fays Ihe, for I know you are good-natured, careful, and of a loving difpo- 
 fition, only take my little dog, Myrrhina, your o'd accjuaintance into the 
 chariot with you, and take care of her, for flic is ill and juil ready to pup, and 
 thofe abominable carelefs fervants will give themfelves no trouble even about 
 me, much lefs about her; during the whole journey, be affured, therefore, you 
 will confer no fmall obligation on me, by prefciving my fweet dog, which I 
 
 * Andhere^ \£c.'\ This ftory of the lap-dog, which is nn excellent one, has greatly the air 
 of a modern tale, and feems fo correfpondent with the prefent tafte and manners, that we can 
 hardly bring ourfelves toconfider it as told by Lucian fo many years ago ; I can, notwithfland- 
 ing, affuie my readers that it is faithfully, and almoft literally, tranflated from him. 
 
 value
 
 312 On DEPENDANTS. 
 
 value fo much. To this petition, fo flrongly urged, and almoft with tears in 
 her eyes, Thefmopolis could not but confent : it was ridiculous enough to 
 fee the little animal peeping out of the philofopher's cloak, juft under his 
 beard, and every now and then befprinkling him (which by the by he did 
 not mention to me himfelf), then yelping with a little fharp voice, as thofe 
 dogs of Melita generally do, and licking his chin, allured, perhaps, by the 
 fmell of yefterday's broth upon it : upon which the minion, who is fome- 
 times happy in his jokes upon the company, when he came to Thefmopolis 
 obferved, not unwittily, that from a Stoic he was turned into a "^ Cynic 
 philofopher. I have been told fi.nce, that the dog pupp'd in Thefmopolis' 
 cloak. 
 
 Thus it is that the great treat, or rather mal-treat their dependants, whom 
 by degrees, they render quite tame, and patient under every indignity. I 
 knew a rhetorician who was ordered by his patron to declaim at fupper, 
 which he did, not fuperficially, but handfomely, and in a mod elegant man- 
 ner : they praifed him mod abundantly, and faid he harangued not by wa- 
 ter but by wine, not by the hour but by the cafk ; it w^as reported he had 
 two hundred drachmas for it : in this, perhaps, there may be no great harm ; . 
 but if your patron chance to be a poet, or an hiftorian, who will be repeat- 
 ing his works all dinner time, then muft you burft your fides with laughing, 
 praife, and admire, and invent every day new modes of flattery. Some there 
 are too who value themfelves on their beauty, thefe you muft be fure to call 
 Hyacinthus, and Adonis, though they have nofes an ell long ; and if you 
 do not extol them, you will be fent to f Dionyfius* prifon for envious trai- 
 tors. The rich are always learned and eloquent, and though they commit 
 folecifms ever fo often, all they fay is full of Attic fait, and the honey of 
 Hymettus, and a law lliould be made to oblige every body to fpeak like 
 them for the future. 
 
 From men, perhaps, this may be borne with, but it is ftill worfe when 
 we come to the women ; for thefe too affedt to have fcholars and men of 
 literature about them, who are hired to attend, and go along with them in 
 their carriages ; amongft their other accomplifhments, they efteem it a 
 
 * Cynic] Alluding to the appellation of dog, generally given to the followers of Diogenes. 
 
 t Dio7iyjiui^ prifon. '\ A dungeon at Syracufe, built by Dionyfius for the reception of ftate 
 prifoners. Philoxenus the poet was confined in it by the tyrant, for not praifing his bad verfes. 
 See Cicero's Oration againll Verres, 
 
 principal
 
 On D E P E N D A N T S. 3,3 
 
 principal thing to be called learned and philofophical, and will make verfes 
 little inferior to Sappho ! for this purpofe they procure rhetoricians, gram- 
 marians, and philofophers, and with thefe all their leifure hours are fpent. 
 It often happens that whilft the philofopher is reading, the * maid biings 
 a letter from the gallant, the ledture upon wifdom and chaftity flands flill 
 till the lady has anfvvcred the epiflle, and then they return to it with all 
 poffibJe expedition ; when at laft, after a confiderable length of time, a 
 prefent is made you, at the f Saturnalia, or J Panathenaica, of a half-work- 
 out robe. Then a moft grand and pompous ceremony begins : the firfl man 
 who heard his mafter, whiift he was doubting whether he fhould give it 
 you or not, runs before to give you notice, and mufl not go back without a 
 good tee ; in the morning ten or a dozen come to bring it you, and everv 
 one boafls how much he has faid in your favour, how warmly he enforced 
 it, and how he chofe the bed he could for you ; all thefe mufl be paid for 
 their trouble, and will grumble, moreover, that you did not give them 
 more. 
 
 If your reward is in money, you wull be paid by little and little, perhaps 
 two or three oboli at a time ; and if you afk for it, you are troublefome 
 and impertinent : you muft beg, pray, and flatter ; pay your court to the 
 fleward too, for this is another fpecies of adulation which you mufl fubmit 
 to, nor mufl his intimate friend and counfellor be neglefted : and after all, 
 the whole, perhaps, when you have received it, is due to the taylor, the 
 fhoemaker, or the phyfician. Surely § gifcs like thefe are no gifts, and of 
 very little fervice. In the mean time, fome lie is raifed againfl you to 3'our 
 patron, who is ready to believe every thing; he perceives now that you are 
 worn out by perpetual toils, perform your duty but lamely, fall oft^ in your 
 flrength, and, perhaps, Aide by degrees into the gout; and after he has en- 
 joyed the flower of your age, and exhauftcd your powers, when your body 
 and your coat are both worn out, looks :ibout for fome dunghill to throw you 
 
 * The maid.'] The Greeks (;^y i A?^a, — Abia fignlfies a maid, as Dromo, Xanthias, Sec. is 
 ufed for any man-fervant. \i\ Prior's Solomon, the hand maid is called Abra, 
 
 And when I call'd another, Abra came. 
 
 f The Saturnalia.'] See the notes on Lucian's Saturnalia. 
 
 X Panathertaica.'\ A grand Athenian feuival in honour of IMinerva, celebrated once in five 
 years, and accompanied by a number of rites and ceremonies. For a full account of which I 
 refer my readers to Potter's Antiquities, vol. i. p. 419. 
 
 § Gifts.] Ex^fu» ao0fi» ^ufa, »^ sk wr,a^^x. See the Ajax of Sophocles. 
 
 Vol. I. S s upon,
 
 314 On D E P E N D A N T S. 
 
 upon, that he may pick up another who is better able to ferve him. He 
 accufes you then of debauching his wife's maid, or fome fuch thing, and 
 you are turned out headlong at midnight ; old as you are, poor, friendlefs, 
 and, perhaps, W'ith a fwinging gout upon you. After fuch a length of time, 
 you have forgot every thing which you knew, and have nothing left but a 
 belly as big as a hogfhead, which you can neither fill nor get rid of; for your 
 throat, from habit, is perpetually foliciting you, and cannot without mur- 
 mur and repining unlearn what it has been fo long accuftomed to. Thus 
 worn out as you are, nobody elfe will take you in, for you are now like an 
 old horfe, whofe very fkin is good for nothing. Add to this, that the fcan- 
 dal of being turned off will make people fufpedt you as an adulterer, a for- 
 cerer, or fomething worfe; your accufer will be believed, as a man of cre- 
 dit ; but you are a Greek, of a light character, and fit for every thing that is 
 bad ; for fuch they fuppofe us all to be, and, perhaps, with fome juftice. 
 The caufe of this opinion, I believe, may be eafily guelTed at ; many of us, 
 who know nothing good or ufeful, get into houfes, where they pradife ma- 
 gic, and fortune-telling, promife people fuccefs in love, and pretend they 
 can turn afide misfortunes on the heads of their enemies ; and this they do 
 by boafting their learning, putting on long clonks, and wearing fuch beards 
 as are not to be defpifed. It is no wonder, therefore, they fliould fufpeift 
 us all, whenthofe whom they had fo high an opinion of, are guilty of fuch 
 thino-s, and fubmit to the meaneft flattery for the fake of gain. 
 
 Thofe whom they difmifs from their fervice, moreover, they generally 
 bear the moil inveterate hatred againfl, and endeavour as much as they can 
 utterly to ruin and deftroy ; naturally fuppofing that fuch men will lay open 
 their whole lives and manners, which they are intimately acquainted with, 
 and this it is which hurts them ; for they exad:ly refemble thofe books whofe 
 outfide is purple and gold, and within you find nothing but Thyefles feed- 
 ino- on his own children, Oedipus committing inceft with his mother, or 
 Tereus purfuing the two fifters : fuch are thefe men alfo, very fine and fplen- 
 did, with a great deal of tragedy under their purple ; if j^ou open one of 
 them you will find a fit fubjedt for Sophocles or Euripides, though they are 
 all gold and finery without : confcious of this, they always hate, and plan 
 the deftrudtion of thofe whom they have turned away, and who know them 
 well, left they Ihould bring them on the public ilage.
 
 On D E P E N D A N T S. 315 
 
 And now I could wifh to fet before you, in the manner of * Cebes, an 
 exadt image or pldture of this kind of life, that you might carefully obfervc 
 and confukr whether you would choofe to enter into it. Would I could meet 
 with an Apelles or Parrhafius, an ^cion or Euphranor, to paint it for 
 me! butfince none can now be found poffefled of their fkiU and genius, I 
 •will give 5 ou a flight fketch of my own, and do my beft for you. f Ima- 
 gine then a lofty palace, not low on the earth, but raifed on an eminence far 
 above it, covered with gold : let the afcent to it be long, fleep, and flippery, 
 fothat thofe who hoped they had juft reached the fummit, frequently flip 
 down and fall ; within let Plutus be feated, all over gold, beautiful and 
 lovely : the candidate with difficulty reaches the gate, and gazes on the trea- 
 fures ; Hope, in full beauty, and cloathed in a garment of divers colours, 
 leads him on, aud he is foon received by two females. Fraud and Slavery, 
 who deliver him over to the hands of Labour ; by him he is well difcipllned, 
 and pafled on to Old Age : he grows fick, and his colour changes ; then 
 comes Infamy, feizes on, and leads him to Defpair; Hope, from that mo- 
 ment vanilhes, and is feen no more : he retires, not through the golden gate 
 which he entered at, but by a narrow private paflage, naked, pot-belly'd, 
 pale, and worn out with age ; with one hand covering his nakednefs, with 
 the other endeavouring to throttle himfelf : as he goes out he is met by Re- 
 pentance, weeping in vain, and only making the wretched more unhappy : 
 this finifhes the pidure. 
 
 And now, my good Timocles, examine the whole, and think within your- 
 felf, whether you would wifh to enter on fuch a life, through the firfl gate, if 
 you were obliged to go out fo fliamefully at the latter. Whatever your de- 
 termination is, remember the wife man's faying, 
 
 ;|; God is blamelefs, and the fault lies in our own choice. 
 
 * Cdes.] Alluding to the famous Tabula Cebetis, fllll extant, a tranflatloa of which the 
 reader will meet with in Shaftefbury's Charafterifticsj fee likewife the Spedator, and an ele- 
 gant poem iu Dodfley's CoUedion. 
 
 t Imagine then.'] Lucian has here given us a very good imitation of Cebes, in a beautiful 
 allegorical pifture, which I fhould be glad to fee executed on canvas by the mallerly hand of 
 our Reynolds, Weft, or Angelica. 
 
 ; Godh^ (s'f.] See Plato's Republic, 
 
 S 8 a THE
 
 THE 
 
 O L O G 
 
 Some Time after the Appearance of the preceding TraB on Dependants, and when 
 Luc I AN as he has himfelf informed us, zvas far advanced in Tears, he had the 
 good Fortune to be preferred, by the Emperor M. Aurelius, to a Place of great 
 Honour and Profit, which fe ems, by his own Account of it, to have been little lefs 
 than the Government offome extenfive Province. His Enemies (for fuch. Men of 
 fuperior Wit and Genius will always have), did not fail, we may fuppofe, to re- 
 proach him for accepting this Place, which they confidered as incompatible with 
 that Freedom and Independence, fo warmly recommended by him in every Part of 
 his Writino-s, and particularly in tie above mentioned Tra5f, which this Apology 
 is written in Defence of In this Letter before us, Lucian artfully puts the 
 ObjeBions of his Enemies into the Mouth of his Friend, every one of which he 
 afterwards fairly refutes, by proving at laft, that the Arguments they made ufe of 
 did not at all reach, or affeB him, as the taking Wages jrom a private Patron, 
 andfubmitting to the meanejl Offices for Hire, was a very different Thing from 
 filing an honourable Pofi under the * Emperor himfelf 
 
 I 
 
 HAVE often, my dear Sabinus, debated with myfelf concerning the 
 opinion you would entertain, and the manner in which you would fpeak 
 of my late tradt on Dependants in Great Families. I take it for granted 
 you could not perufe it without a fmile ; permit me now to add, what at this 
 diftance of time, I imagine, you will fay about it. If I have any fkill in 
 prophecy, I think you will fpeak thus : " can there, fay you, be a man, who 
 after writing fuch things, after fo pompous a declamation againft this kind 
 of life, could thus fuddenly forget all he had faid, and having thus, as 
 
 * With regard to this circumftance (forgive the vanity, kind reader), there feems to be 
 feme fimilitude between Lucian and his Translator ; it was the fate of them both, after 
 a life of labour and difappointment. to be honoured in the decline of it, by the notice and 
 patronage of their Sovereign. V^'hether the refemblance between us holds in any other parti- 
 cular, mufl be left to the determination of the reader, 
 
 they
 
 The A P O L O G Y. 317 
 
 they * fay, changed his {hell, at lafl: voluntarily embraces a flate of fervl- 
 tude ? How many Midas's, Crcefus's, and Padolus's muft have confpired to 
 draw him afide, to peifuade him to quit fair freedom, who had brought up 
 and attended him from his earlieft )ears, and when he was haftening towards 
 + JEacus, when he had already one foot in :|: Charon's boat, could induce 
 him to put on a gold chain, and be dragged about by it, like a fquirrel, or 
 a monkey ! How different is the pracftice from the preccpr ! it is, as the) fay, 
 a ftream running backwards, a palinody, every thing, in Ihorr, turned the 
 wrong way ; the || poet applies this to Troy and Helen, but it is equally 
 true, when words are thus contradicfted by fadts.'* 
 
 Thus, moft probably, you will talk to yourfelf ; and, perhaps, may give 
 nie fome advice, not impertinent nor unreafonable, but friendly, and be- 
 coming a wife and good man, as I know you to be : if therefore I fhould 
 aifume your charader, and reprefent it well, it may be of fervice to mc, 
 and an acceptable facrifice to the god of eloquence ; if I fail, you muft your- 
 felf fupply the deficiency. Let the fcenethen be changed : I muft fubmit in 
 filence to be cut up and ^ branded for my health's fake, whilft you prepare 
 your medicines, your knife, and your fearing-iron. And now, Sabinus, 
 you take your turn to fpeak, and begin thus : 
 
 " There was a time, my friend, when what you wrote met with the 
 higheft approbation, as we 1 from thofe who heard it repeated in the public 
 aflembly, and who mentioned it to me, as by thofe men of letters, who pe- 
 rufed and admired it in private : the *-'^ Hyle, was by no means contempt- 
 ible; it contained a good deal of hiftory, Ihewed great knowlege of men and 
 
 • Js they fay.'] Greek, Ot^cckh f^sra -jriaovroq, cadente aliter calculo, a proverbial faying, al- 
 luding to the (hell uied in oftracifm amongft the Athenians, analogous to our balloting-bean in 
 elections. 
 
 t Towards.'] i. e. Towards death. ^Eacus was one of the judges in hell, confequently, he 
 who gees to iCacus mull; go to the grave. 
 
 + hi Charon'' s boat.'] There is a remarkable fimilitude between the Greek expreffion and our 
 own, of a fick or old man's having " one foot in the grave." 
 
 11 The poet.] Stefichorus, we are told, was punidied with blindnefs, for writing a palinody, 
 or abufe of Helen. 
 
 C Bramhd.] Alluding to the punifliment which Lucian was for inflifting on the hypocritical 
 phiiofophers, inhistraiSon Dependants. 
 
 •* Theftyley l^c'] Greek, Aoy uiv irci(a.cry.tvfi. Lucian's thus founding forth his own praifcs, 
 through the mouth of his friend, favours a little of authorial vanity ; but where is the wit who 
 ever lived without fome fhare ot it } 
 
 things.
 
 3i8 The APOLOGY. 
 
 things, was delivered with clearnefs and perfpicuity, and, above all, it had 
 the merit of being ufeful, efpecially to men of education, by preventing 
 them from throwing themfelves, through ignorance and inexperience, into 
 the worftof flavery. But fmce you have changed your opinion, taken your 
 lad farewel of liberty, and adopted that vile precept, 
 
 * Where much is to be gainM, againft our nature. 
 
 We muft be fervile. 
 Take care that for the future nobody hear you repeating out of that book, 
 neither lliould you permit any of thofe who fee your prefent way of life ever 
 to look into it. Rather pour out your vows to infernal Mercury, to dip in 
 the waters of Lethe all fuch as have feen or read it. We fhall otherwife 
 tell a Corinthian fable of you, and fay that, like f Bellerophon, you carry 
 letters for your own deftrudtion. Nor, by Jupiter, do I fee what excufe, 
 that carries any X face with it, you can plead in defence of fuch condud:; 
 efpecially, if your accufers do it with a fneer, commend your writings, and 
 the freedom that appears in them, and at the fame time obferve the writer 
 fubmitting voluntarily to the yoke, and enflaving himfelf. 
 
 " Well might they fay, either that the book was none of your's, and, like 
 a jay, you ftrutted in borrowed feathers ; or, if you really did write it, that 
 you ad: like § Salathus of Crotona, who was fo much celebrated for the fe- 
 vere law which he made againft adulterers, and was afterwards himfelf con- 
 vifted of it with his brother's wife : it was more pardonable, indeed, in Sala- 
 
 • JVJjerc much, $£ff.] Greelc, 
 
 'Ott» to xs^^oc Trap (pfcrkv Jy^ftTsov. S^e tlie Phanilfe of Euripides, 1. 408. 
 
 + Like Bellerophon.'] Bellerophon, the fon of Glaucus, king of Corinth (for which reafon 
 Lucian calls it a-Corinthian tale), had retired to the court of Pr«tus, king of Argos, whofe 
 wife, Stenobia, fell in love with him, but he refuting, hke Jofeph, to have any concern with 
 her, (he accufed him to her hufband of offering violence to her; the king, that he might not 
 violate the rights of hofpitality, fent away Bellerophon, with letters to lobates, king ot Lycia, 
 Stenobia's father, requefting him immediately to make an end of the fuppofed adulterer. Bel- 
 lerophon carried the letter himfelf, little fufpeding the<;ontents of it. The ftory adds, that lo- 
 bates fent Bellerophon to kill a monfter called the Chimera, imagining he would perifia in the 
 attempt. Bellerophon, hf.vvever, difappointed his enemies, and fubdued the monOer.-* The 
 Bellerophontls literae paffed into a proverb. See Erafm. Prov. and Horn. II. z'. h 1 55» 
 t Any face.'] Greek, Et'WfcxrwTro? ; the expreffion Is remarkable, and the tranflation literal. 
 § Salathus.'] I do not remember to have met with this ftory of Salathus in any other author, 
 though there is fomething like it in ^Elian's Var. Hill, where the perfon is called Zaleneus ; it 
 ferves, however, to prove that In ancient times there were places where the crime of adultery was 
 puniflied with death. If fuch a law were ever to tuke place amongft us, how it would thin 
 this populous kingdom ! 
 
 thus,
 
 The apology. 319 
 
 thus, who was defperately in love, as he obferved in his defence ; he threw, 
 himfelf into the fire with the greateft refolution, though the Crotonians 
 pitied him, and would have changed his fentence into banifhment. Your be- 
 haviour is certainly more abfurd, to abufe, in the manner you did, in a la- 
 boured fpeech, the meannefs and fervility of thofe who get into great men's 
 houfes, there to fuffer fo many indignities ; and yet, after this, in the extre- 
 mity of old age, when you have already almoft palTcd the ufual limits of 
 human life, to enter into this ihameful fervitude, and fcem, as it were even 
 to glory in it. The more celebrated you arc, the more ridiculous will men 
 think you, whiift your prefent life thus gives the lie to your pad: profeffions. 
 But there is no need of frefh accufations againft you, after the * poets ex- 
 cellent obfervation, " I hate (fays he), the wife man, who is not wife for 
 himfelf." They will fay, moreover, perhaps, that you are like the tragedy 
 adtors, who reprefent when on the ftage, one Agamemnon, another Creon 
 and another Hercules; but when off, are nothing more than Polus or Arif- 
 todemus, hireling players, driven off frequently, hifled, and fomeiimes if 
 the audience think proper, well -f flogged. Others may compare you to 
 Cleopatra's | monkey, who, they tell us, had learned to dance o-racefully 
 and in tune, and was wonderfully admired for her elegance and decorum 
 adapting her every motion and geflure to the hymeneal fong; but chancinp- 
 to efpy fome figs, I think, or almonds, at a little diflance from her, took a 
 fudden farewel at once of the flutes, fongs, and dances, threw the maik awav 
 or rather tore it off, laid hold on the fruit, and mofl voracioufly de- 
 voured it. 
 
 " You, they will fa}% who are not an ador, but a profeffor of wifdom, and 
 a legiflator, are but too like the ape with the figs ; you carry your philo- 
 fophy but on the outfide of your lips, and, 
 
 • The poet, l^c] Euripides, in forae tragedy of his, not now extant. Cicero quotes this 
 fentiment in a letter to Tribatius, " qui ipfi fibi fapieni prodefle non quit nequicquam fapit." See 
 Epift. Fam. 
 
 t P^'^gp^'^ Lucian mentions this extraordinary exertion of magifterial power over the poor 
 players, in his Fifherman. 
 
 If our players were to be fent in this manner to the houfe of correction, as often as they acled 
 miferably, how few would venture to enroll thcmfelves in his majefty's company of comedians ! 
 
 X Monkey ] The ftory of Cleopatra's monkey, which is an excellent one, nearly refembles 
 ^fop's fable of the cat turned into a woman, and verifies the obfervation of Horace 
 Naturam expellas furca licet, ufque rec arret. 
 
 Think
 
 320 The A P O L O G y. 
 
 * Think one thing, and another tell. 
 
 So that what you quoted may be properly applied to yourfelf — you 
 
 •f Juft touch the lips, but never wet the tongue. 
 
 a fit punifhment for one who could thus boldly cenfure the neceffities of 
 others, and afterwards folemnly abjure and renounce his own freedom. It 
 feems as if, whilft men were admiring your eloquent abufe, % Adraftea 
 flood behind, forefeeing your future conduft, laughed at you for not § fpit- 
 ting on yourfelf firft, before you accufed others of doing, what from a va- 
 riety of misfortunes they were forced to fubmit to. 
 
 " If % ^fchines, after his accufation of Timarchus, had been convidled of 
 the fame crime, with what ridicule would he have been treated by his audi- 
 ence, for reproaching Timarchus with the commiffion of that, in his earlieft 
 years, which he was himfelf guilty of in his old age ! You are, in fhort, 
 like that \\ apothecary, who boafled that he had an infallible remedy for a 
 couo-h, and was at the fame time torn to pieces with one himfelf." 
 
 Thefe and a thoufand fuch reproaches my accufers will bring againfl me 
 on fo copious a fubjed; let me confider, now, how I muft defend myfelf, 
 would it be befl to give it up at once, turn tail, acknowlege my guilt, and 
 flee to the common excufe, lay it all upon fortune, fate, anddeftiny; tell 
 my accufers, that they Ihould afk pardon for their feverity, when they come to 
 confider that we have no j- will of our own in any thing, but that all is de- 
 termined 
 
 Who dares think one thhig, and another tell, 
 My heart detefts him as the gates of hell. 
 
 See Pope's Homer's Iliad, book ix. I. 411. 
 •\ Jujl touch, ^f.] Seepage 305, and the note under it. 
 
 1 Adrajiea.'] Suppoled to be the fame as Nemefis, employed by the gods to execute ven- 
 geance on the guilty. 
 
 § Spitting.'] The fuperftitious imagined that fpitting on their bofoms would prevent the ill 
 efFeds of fafcination, or the Immediate punifliment of any crime they had committed, 
 
 Left inchantmentfhould my limbs infefl, 
 
 I three times dropp'd my fpittle on my breaft. 
 
 See Fawkes's Theocritus, Id. vi. 1. 51. 
 •[ uEjlhiftes.'] See Plutarch. 
 
 \\ Apothecary.'] According to the old adage, " phyfician, cure thyfelf." 
 
 4- No -zvill, fe'f.] Moll: of the ancient philofophers, and three parts of their followers were 
 fatalifts and predeftinarians : too many moderns, we muft acknowlege, have fallen into the 
 fame error, and fay with Prior, 
 
 Let
 
 The A P O L O G Y. 321 
 
 termined by fomething of a fupeiior nature, and that we are not anfwerablc 
 for what we fay or do : or will you fay, my friend, that the excufe is mean 
 and vulgar, and fuch as you will never admit, even though I fliould bring 
 Homer to fupport it, and cry out with him, 
 
 * Fix'd is the term to all the race of earth. 
 or, where he fays, 
 
 •f- My life was fpun fo fliort by fate's defign. 
 But if, pafling over this excufe, as little credit would be given to fuch, I 
 ihould tell you, that I was not induced to embrace this kind of life by any 
 pecuniary motive whatfoever, but from the real efteem and admiration of my 
 patron's wifdom, courag?, and magnanimity; to your other accufations 
 againft me, you would only, I fear, add the crime of flattery; fa)^, 1 t^et rid 
 of a fiTiall fault, by admitting a greater in its room, and thus, accordino- to 
 the old adage, J drive out one nail by another, as adulation is doubtlefs, of 
 all things, the meaneft, and moft fervile. 
 
 If, after all, neither of thefe excufes will fuffice, what remains but to 
 confefs that I have no excufe at all : the only anchor I can trufl: to is to la- 
 ment my infirmities, old age, and povert)^, which makes us do, and fuffer 
 all things ; and here it may not be unfeafonable to call in the Mcdca of Eu- 
 ripides to my affiftance, to make her come forward, and cry out (with a 
 little alteration only), 
 
 § Too well I know the purpofed wickednefs 
 I mean to a<ft, but poverty o'er-rules 
 Thofe better ccunfels, which my confcious mind 
 In vain fuggefts. 
 
 And who v/ill not call to mind what Theognis fays, " that a man would be 
 
 Let people call us cheats and fools, 
 
 Our cards, and we, are equal tools, 
 
 Poor men ! poor papers ! we and they, 
 
 Do fome impulfive lorce obey, 
 
 And are but play'd with ; do not play. See Prior*s Alma. 
 
 * jPmV, iffc] Part of He£tor's fpeech to Andromache, See Pope's Homer's Iliad, book 
 vi. 1. 627. 
 
 f Jsfatesy fe'r.] See Homer's Iliad, b. 3x. 
 
 J One nail, ^c] This Greek proverb was adopted by the Romans, novo quidam amore 
 veterem amorem tamquam clavum clavo ejiciundum putant. See Tull. Tufc. Qu. 
 
 § Too iveHy i^c] from Euripides, with a little alteration. 
 
 Vol. I. T t 
 
 m
 
 322 The A P O L O G Y. 
 
 in the right to throw himfelf into the deep ocean, or down from the fteep 
 promontory, if by that means he could efcape from the cruel hand of 
 penury." 
 
 Such are the apologies which might be made ufe of in this cafe, not one 
 of which, to fay the truth, is very falisfadtory ; make yourfelf eafy, my 
 friend, notwithftanding, for I fliall not reft my defence upon any of them. 
 Never fhall Argos be fo pinched by famine, as to be obliged to endeavour 
 to cultivate * Cyllarabls ; nor I, it is to be hoped, ever (land fo much in 
 need of an apology, as to flee for Ihelter to arguments fo poor and con- 
 temptible. Coniider the great difference there is between coming into a great 
 man's family for hire, fubmitting to every kind of flavery, and fuffering all 
 the hardfhips mentioned in my book, and entering into a public employ- 
 ment, performing it to the beft of your abilities, and receiving a reward 
 fi om the emperor for it ! Refledl on the fituation of thefe two men ; they 
 are at leaft, as we fay in mufic, f a double odtave diftant from each other, 
 and no more alike than lead is to filver, brafs to gold, the rofe to the ane- 
 mone, or a man to a monkey. Both, indeed, are paid for what they do, 
 and both do it by command of their fuperiors; but ftill the thing itfelf is 
 very different with regard to each of them ; for in the firft, the flavery is 
 manifeft, they are no better than common fervants ; whereas thofe who are 
 in a public employment, who make themfelves ufeful to whole cities and 
 kingdoms, furely it would be unjuft to abufe, and put on a level with the 
 other, merely becaufe they were rewarded for it ; as, by this rule, fuch as 
 held the greateft offices, directed the ftate of nations, or had the care of 
 legions and whole armies entrufted to them, would be deemed difhonourable, 
 becaufe they alfo have a reward; all, therefore, are not equally to be con- 
 demned who are paid for their labours r nor did I ever fay they were equally 
 unhappy ; I only pitied thofe who ferved for hire, in the characfter of tutors 
 and inftrudors : but the employment which I am engaged in, my friend, 
 
 * Cyllaralis.'] Greek, KvXXafafi?, which Grasvius has very properly fubftltuted in the room 
 of KoiXrj Afa?.*i, cava Arabia, which was unintelligible. Thia Cyllarabis was a gymnafium, or 
 place let apart for public exercifes, and facred to the gods, confequently, not to be employed 
 for any prophane ufe ; even in times of famine, therefore, they were not to fow or plant in it. 
 The exprelTion was, perhaps, proverbial, and means juft the fame as if we were to fay, let us 
 want bread ever fo much, we mull: not turn St. Paul's into a plough field. 
 
 f Double oHave.} Greek, ha^iocrratTuv. For an explanation and illuftration of this term, 
 I refer my readers to my friend Dr. Barney's excellent Diflertatlon on the Mufic of the An- 
 cients, 
 
 is
 
 The A P O L O G Y. 323 
 
 is of a very different nature; in private I am as free as ever, and in public 
 have * no fmall concern in a mofl powerful empire, and bear a part in the 
 adminiftration of it. You will pleafe to confider, that it is in a great mea- 
 fure committed to my care, to prefide over, and regulate the courts of judica- 
 ture, write over the records, digefl and put in order the fpecchesof the pleaders, 
 preferve, with care and accuracy, the edidts of the emperor, and faith- 
 fully deliver them down to poflerity ; add to this, that my falary is paid me 
 by no private man, but by the prince himfelf; that it is no mean one, but 
 confifts of many talents; there are, withal, good expeftations, and thofc 
 very probable, of fomething ftill better, fome royal commands to be perform- 
 ed by me, or, perhaps, the whole nation committed to my caie and in- 
 fpeOiion. 
 
 But, not content with refuting the accufation, I will go ftill farther, and 
 venture to aflert, that no man does any thing without being paid for it, 
 Thofe who are employed in the higheft offices need not be named, when 
 even the emperor has his reward; for, not to mention the annual taxes and 
 tributes which he receives from the people, the honours, praifes, and adora- 
 tion, which are paid him in return for his beneficence, with the ftatues and 
 temples ercdted to him, what are they butfo many rewards for his providen- 
 tial care, and advancement of the public welfare ! To compare great things 
 with fmall, therefore, take any particle of the large heap from the top to the 
 bottom, and you will find that there is no difference between us, except that 
 fome are great and fome little ; but all equally mercenary. 
 
 If, indeed, I had faid that nobody Ihould do any thing at all, I might 
 juftly be accufed of contradicting my own precepts; but there is no fuch 
 thing in my book : on the other hand, every good man, I fay, fhould labour: 
 and to what can he better apply himfelf than to be ufeful to his friends, 
 placed as he is in this world on purpofe to give proofs of his diligence, fide- 
 lity, and r.tention to the bufinefs and employment allotted to him, that he 
 may not, as Homer fays, 
 
 -f Live an idle burthen to the ground. 
 
 * No fmall concern.} We cannot exaftly detern\ine what Lucian's employment under the em- 
 peror was ; fome call him intendant ot Egypt, others governor, fteward, &c. We find at leall 
 by his own teflimony, that it was a place of confiderable honour, and we may fuppofe very pro- 
 fitable alfo. 
 
 t Liv/, (sfc] Achilles's fpeech on the death of Patroclus. See Iliad, book xviii. 1. 104., 
 
 T t 2 Bur,
 
 ^j^ Thi A P O L O G Y. 
 
 But above all, I beg my accufers will remember, that I am no wife man 
 rif any fuch there be), but one of the many v;ho profefs the art of rhe- 
 toric and have acquired fome reputation in it, but never pretended to reach 
 the fummit of virtue, and perfection ; which, indeed, gives me no great 
 concern, as I never yer met with any who throughly filled or fupported the 
 character of a truly wife man. With regard to yourfelf, I fhould be great- 
 ly furprifed to hear you find fault with my manner of life, who, in your 
 travels to Gaul, and the Weftern Ocean, found me amongft the moft cele- 
 brated Sophifts, teaching rhetoric, and receiving mofl ample rewards for it. 
 
 This, my friend, though in the greateft hurry of bufinefs, I could not 
 help writing in my own vindication, as I thought it of the utmofl confe- 
 quence to be thoroughly ^ acquitted by you. As to the reft of the world, 
 
 fhould they all write to condemn me, 1 Ihall only fay,- f it is nothing 
 
 to Hippoclides. 
 
 • Jcqultted.'] Greek, mv "Khxryiv^ album calculum, alluding to the cuftom of condemning or 
 acquitting by black or white ftones. 
 
 Mos erat antiquis niveis atrifque lapillis 
 
 His damnare reos, illis abfolvere culpa. Ovid. Met, 1. 15» 
 
 Afterwards they made ufe of beans for the fame purpofe. 
 f It is nothing, fe'f.] See Lucian's Philopatris. 
 
 HER-
 
 HERMOTIMUS, 
 
 A DIALOGUE. 
 
 LuciAN, in the CbaraBer of Lycinus, which he ajfumes in this Dialogue, 
 laughs at the various Se^s of Philofophers, rallies their Jhfurdities, condemns their 
 partial Attachments to their own Tenets^ and expojes their Pride and Self-fufficiency» 
 His Irony is delicate^ his Allu/tons ingenious, and mojl of his Argument s, in fa- 
 vour of that Scepticifm which he Jupports, unanfwerable. A Fein of good Senfe 
 and clofe Reafoning runs through the whole, 'The Style is clear ^ flowing, and 
 perfpicuous. 
 
 LYCINUS, HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 BY the book in your hand, and the hafte you feem to be in, you are go- 
 ing, I guefs, with all fpeed to your matter; you are meditating, I ob- 
 ferve, as you go along, move your lips gently, and faw your hands back- 
 wards and forwards, as if you were repeating fome fpeech to yourfelf, dif- 
 cuffing a knotty point, or planning a piece of fophiftry ; refolving, I fup- 
 pofe, not to be idle, even upon the road, but always at work, and doing 
 fomething for your improvement. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Lycinus, you are right, for fo indeed it is : I was running over yefterday's 
 leffbn in my memory, and repeating every thing my great matter had faid 
 in it : we fliould let no time pafs, I think, unemployed, well knowing the 
 truth of what the "*■ Coan Ugt remarked, that " Life is ihorr, and art long.'* 
 This is faid of phyfic, a thing much eafier learned than philofophy, which 
 cannot be attained even by length of time, unlefs we keep our eyes perpetual- 
 ly fixed upon it, and of no little moment is that trial, w hich is to determine 
 whether we are to be miferable, amidft the filth and pollution of the vul- 
 gar, or lead a life of philofophic happinefs. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 The reward you fpeak of is great, indeed, and long, I think, it cannot 
 be belore you are in the poflTeffion of it, if I may judge from the time you 
 
 * Coan /age,'] Hippocrates,— This is the firft of his aphorlfms. 
 
 have
 
 325 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 have ftudied philofophy, and the labour you have gone through in the 
 fearch of it : for, if I remember right, you have done nothing for thefe 
 twenty years paft but run after m.aflers, buried yourfelf in books, and wrote 
 diaries ; your face pale with fludy, and your body emaciated by conflant 
 watching, fo fwallowed up in it, as fcarce to afford yourfelf time for fleep 
 or refrelhment : when I refledt on this, I cannot fuppofe but you will very 
 foon reach the utmoft height of human happinefs, if you are not, perhaps, 
 without our knowlege, got there already. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 How is that poffible, Lycinus, when I am now but jufl in fight of it ! 
 Virtue, as * Hefiod tells us, dwells afar off from us, the way to her is long, 
 fteep, and rugged, nor little is the traveller's toil in fearch of her. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 And have not you toiled and travelled enough already ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Not yet, my Lycinus ; for had I reached the fummit I (hould be com- 
 pletely happy : at prefent I have but jufl begun my journey. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 The beginning, you know, fays the fame Hefiod, is one half ,• fo that wc 
 may now fuppofe you to be about the middle. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Not fo far : much, indeed, of my tafk would then be finifhed. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 Whereabouts, then, may we venture to place you ? 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 At the foot of the mountain : all my ftrength is necelTary in the llruggle 
 to get up, for the way is rough, andflippery; I want a hand llretched out 
 
 to help me forward. 
 
 ^ LYCINUS. 
 
 Your mafler is the fitteft then ; he, like Homer's Jupiter, will let down 
 
 the t golden chain, his own inflrudion, and lift you up to himfelf, and that 
 
 virtue which he has Ion»; fince afcended to. 
 
 ° H E R- 
 
 * Hefod.'] See his ' Weeks and Days.' 
 
 t Golden chain.] Alluding to Jupiter's fpeech In the 8th book of Homer's Iliad, where he fays, 
 
 Let down your golden, everlafting chain, 
 
 Strive all, of mortal, and immortal birth, 
 
 To drag by this the thund'rer down to earth,
 
 H E R M O T I M U S» 327 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 There you are right ; for if it had depended on him 1 fliould have got up 
 there long ago ; but I am too weak myfelf. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Be confident, however ; take courage, and look forward to the end of your 
 journey, the fummit of happinefs, efpecially as he will affift and fupport you; 
 in the mean time, what hope does he give you ? How long do you think it 
 will be before you reach the top of this mountain ? when the myfleries arc 
 over, or after the * Panathen^a ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 You have fet a fhort time, indeed. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Next Olympiad, then. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Much too little ftill for the practice of virtue, and the pofleffion of true 
 
 felicity. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Well, in two Olympiads, at farrheft, it muft be ; or they will fay you arc 
 
 idle indeed, when a man might eafily go thrice in that time, from the Pillars 
 
 of Hercules to the Indies and back agun, even though he fhould not travel 
 
 ilrait on, but ramble about the countries in his way thither. How much 
 
 higher and more llippery is this fame hill of Virtue, pray, than the famous 
 
 -f Aornus, which Alexander took in a few days ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 There is not the leaft refemblance, Lycinus, between what you talk of, 
 which might be done in a very fhort time, and our fort; which a thoufand 
 Alexanders could never take; if they could, numbers would have been 
 there ; but the truth is, many attempt it with all their might, and get on a 
 little, fome more, fome lefs, but when they are half way there, meet with 
 fo many obflacles that they turn back, reeking with the toil, out of breath, 
 and impatient of the labour; whilft thofe who perfcvere to the end, reach 
 
 Ye ftrive in vain ! if I but ftretch this hand, 
 
 I heave the gods, the ocean, and the land. See Pope's Iliad, book viii. 1. z^, 
 
 * Panaihenaa] Which was celebrated only once in five years* 
 
 f Aornus.] A very high rock in India, fo called from its exceeding the flight of any bird. 
 This rock was taken by Alexander, or rather abandoned by the enemy, in his expedition to In- 
 dia. See Q^Curtius and Arrian. 
 
 the
 
 3^8 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 thefummit, and from that time lead a life of perfeft eafe and happincfs, 
 looking down from the feat of eminence on the reft of mankind, as on fo 
 
 many plfmires. ^. \. o 
 
 ^ ^ L Y C 1 N U S. - 
 
 O heaven ! Hermotimus, what poor creatures you make of us, worfe than 
 pigmies, we crawl only on the furface of the earth ; and no wonder, indeed, 
 for you can think of nothing but high things, exalted as you are above us, 
 and we, the fcum, who creep here below, muft worfhip, as gods, you who 
 are got above the clouds, and carried up thus to the fummit you were in 
 fuch hafte to get up to. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Would it were fo, Lycinus ! but a great deal remains to be done yet. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 But you have not told us how much, that we may compute the time iic- 
 
 ^^ ^^^^' HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Nor do I know it exadly myfelf ; in about twenty years, however, I ima- 
 gine we may reach to the top. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 O Hercules ! what an age 1 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 The ftruggle, confider, is for fomething of the greateft value. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 It may be fo : but with regard to thefe twenty years, did your mafler pro- 
 
 mife you Ihould live fo long ? he is not only a wife man, I fuppofe, but a 
 
 prophet, or Ikilled in the knowlege of the Chaldeans, who, they fay, are 
 
 acquainted with thefe things ; for furely if it was uncertain whether your 
 
 life would be prolonged till you were in pofTeffion of this virtue, it is fcarce 
 
 probable that you Ihould go through fo much labour, and torment yourfelf 
 
 night and day, when you did not know but, perhaps, as foon as you had 
 
 got near the top, fate on a fudden Ihould feize on, and at once deprive you 
 
 of every hope. 
 
 ^ ^ HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Away with your ill omens : grant heaven I may live, though but for a 
 
 day, to be happy in the enjoyment of true wifdom ! 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 And will one day fatisfy you for all your toil and trouble ? 
 
 HER-
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 329 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. , 
 
 Yes : an hour, a minute, the leaft particle of time is enough for me. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 But how do you know whether the things above, for which you fuffer all 
 this, are in truth fuch blcflings, and can imp:irt fuch happinefs, when you 
 were never there yourfelf, to experience them ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 I truft to what my mafter tells me ; he has got to the fummit, and knows 
 
 it all. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 By the gods, then, I intreat you, my friend, inform me, what fays he ? 
 
 how do they live there, and in what does their happinefs confifl ? -in riches, 
 
 glory, or pleafures the moft exquifite ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Talk more foberly, dear Lycinus, a life of virtue has nothing to do with 
 
 fuch things as thefe. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 If thefe are not, what fays he are the rewards of all their labour ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Wifdom, fortitude, the beautiful, thejuft, the confcioufnefs of knowing 
 how every thing is conducted ; but riches, glory, pleafures, every thing 
 corporeal, every thing terreflrial, are left here below, and the man, like Her- 
 cules, who periflied in the flames on mount Oeta, becomes a God ; he, we 
 know, ihook off all that was mortal, all that he inheiired from his mother, 
 and, purged of his drofs by fire, put on pure uncorrupt divinity, and fled 
 to the gods : thus alfo it is that thefe purified by philofophy, as it were by 
 fire, look down upon all thofe things which others hold in admiraiion ; and, 
 raifed to the fummit, live a life of happinefs, without even the leafl remem- 
 brance of riches, glory, or pleafures, laughing at and contemning all fuch 
 
 as efteem or value them. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 Now, by ^tian Hercules, I fvvear, Hermotimus, moft wonderful mull 
 
 be their fortitude, and great their felicity ; but, pray, inform me of one 
 
 thing; may they come down from the mountain, if they pleafe, and 
 
 enjoy thofe things at any time which ihcy left behind them ; or are they 
 
 obliged, when they are once got up, to remain there with virtue, and to 
 
 defpife riches and pleafures ? 
 
 VoL.L Uu HER-
 
 j^o HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Not only (o, Lycinus, but whoever is grown ^ perfecft in virtue, from 
 that time can never be a Have to anger, fear, or any paffion ; never is affed- 
 ed by forrow, trouble, or calamity. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 And yet, if one might fpeak the truth, but we mufl take care what we 
 
 fay, as it were impious, I fuppofe, to enquire into the affairs of the wife 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 By no means : fpeak whatever you pleafe. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 You fee, my friend, I am afraid. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Fear nothing : we are all alone. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 To fpeak freely then, Hermotimus, whilfl you were relating to me how 
 thefe men became wife, brave, juft, and fo forth, I liftened with attention, 
 gave you credit for it all, and was pleafed with your difcourfe : but when 
 you told me they defpifed glory and riches, and pleafures, and that they 
 never were angry, or uneafy, there I mufl own, between ourfelves (for there 
 is nobody by), I began to doubt, recolleding what I had juft before feen 
 
 done by a certain perfon, fhall I name him, or is it enough 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 O no, tell me who it was, I befeech you. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 Even your own good mafter ; a man in all other refpefts truly eftimable, 
 and, as you know, far advanced in years. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 And what did he do ? 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 You know his difciple, the ftranger of Heraclea, who came every day to 
 
 him to learn philofophy, a red-haired man, and rather fiery ? 
 
 * Perfea in virtue,] This was a doarine worthy of the felf-conceited Stoics. Little (hould 
 we expea to find it adopted in a Chriftian community : and yet of the very fame nature is the 
 Methodlfts doftrlne of Affurance, which informs us, that the deft, after they are once become 
 regenerate, or bom anew, can never fall back into fin, or be guilty of any crime ; a dodrinc 
 totally oppofite to the didates of our blcfled Saviour, who bids us " Whilft we ftand take heed 
 left we fall." 
 
 HER-
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 331 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 I know who you mean; his name is Dion. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 The fame. This man, becaufe, I fuppofe, he had not paid him the 
 money due in proper time, did he drag before a magiftrate, feizing him by 
 the collar, and roaring in a moft violent paffion ; and if fome friends, who 
 happened to come by, had not delivered the youth out of his hands, I verily 
 believe the old man would have bit his nofe off. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 That Dion is a bad man ; he was always ungrateful, and flow in his pay- 
 ments ; my mafler never acted fo to any body elfe; for they generally pay 
 
 him when it is due. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 And if they did not, my good friend, what would it fignify to him who 
 is purged by philofophy, and can never want any thing ; having left, you 
 know, all cares of that fort behind him on * mount Oeta. 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Can you imagine it is on his own account that he troubles himfelf about 
 thefe things ? No, my friend ; he has fmall children, and his care is for 
 them, left they fhould come to want. 
 
 L Y C I N U S, 
 
 He fhould have brought them up to virtue alfo, that they might enjoy the 
 fame happinefs as himfelf, and be able to defpife riches. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 At prefent, Lj'-cinus, I really have not time to dlfpute this matter with 
 
 you, for 1 am this moment going to his ledures, and am afraid I fhall be 
 
 too late. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Give yourfelf no trouble, my good friend, on that account : you need 
 not proceed any farther: for there is a fufpenfion of arms. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 What do you mean ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 That you will not fee him this time, if we are to give any credit to his 
 
 proclamation ; a bill is put up at his door in great letters, informing us that 
 
 * Mount Octa.] Alluding to the comparifon made a little before, by Hermotimus, of the re- 
 treat of Hercules to mount Oeta, 
 
 U u 2 there
 
 232 H E R M O T I M U S, 
 
 there is to be no difputatlon to-day ; the reafon it feems is, that he flipped 
 
 laft night with Eucrates, who gave a treat on his daughter's birth-day, talked 
 
 much at the feaft, and entered into a warm debate with Euthydemus, the 
 
 Peripatetic, about fomething in which he and the Stoic feldom agree; the 
 
 noife made his head ach, there was a deal of conteft, and the difpute, they 
 
 fay, lalled till midnight; he had drunk, I fuppofe, befides, a little too 
 
 much, provoked to it by the company, as is ufual on thcfe occafions, and 
 
 eat more, withal, than an old man Ihould ; when he came home he cafcaded 
 
 plentifully, it feems, and fcraping together the remnants, which he had 
 
 given to the boy that flood behind him, he locked them up carefully, and 
 
 went to fleep ; leaving orders that nobody Ihould be admitted. This 1 had 
 
 from his fervant Midas, who told it to feveral of his fcholars, that were 
 
 obliged to return back. 
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 But pray, Lycinus, which had the beft of it ? my mafler or Euthydemus ? 
 
 Did Midas fay any thing of that ? 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 The fuperiority was for a long time undecided, till vidtory at length de- 
 clared on your fide, and the old man had greatly the advantage ; Euthyde- 
 mus, indeed, departed, not without bloodfhed, having received a terrible 
 wound on the head ; for, being extremely reftlefs and obllinate, and unwilling 
 to be convinced or refuted, your moft excellent mafter, happening to have 
 by chance a cup in his hand, a truly * Neflorian one indeed, threw it dl- 
 reftly at his head, as he fat pretty clofe to him ; and thus gained a complete 
 
 vidtory. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 And nobly was it done : there is no other way of treating thofe who re- 
 
 fufe to yield to their betters. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 It is as you fiiy, Hermotim.us, the moft rational method. How aboml- 
 
 * KeJIorian.'] Alluding to Neftor's goblet, mentioned in the eleventh book of the Iliad ; 
 
 A goblet, facred to the Pylian kings, 
 
 From eldefl times; embofs'd with ftuds of gold. 
 
 Two feet fupport it, and four handles hold ; 
 
 On each bright handle, bending o'er the brink, 
 
 In fculptur'd gold, two turtles feem'd to drink ; 
 
 A maflV weight, yet heav'd with eafe by him. See Pope's Iliad, b. xi. 1. 773. 
 
 One cannot read the defcription of fo elegant a piece of furniture, without admiring the high 
 and finifhed Itate of the fine arts, in times fo remote as the age of Homer, 
 
 nable
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 5^3 
 
 nable and ridiculous it was in Euthydemus, thus to provoke an old man, a 
 [ftranger to paffion, and fuperior to refentment, cfpecially when he had fuch 
 a heavy cup in his hand ! but as we have at prefent nothing elfe to do, why 
 fliould not you entertain me with an account of the manner in which you 
 firlt begnn to philofophize, that I may myfelf ftrike into the fame path, and 
 enter immediately, if poffiblc, into it: this is a favour which, being fuch 
 friends as we are, you cannot well refufe me. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 If you are really defirous of it, Lycinus, you will foon perceive how fu- 
 perior you will be to all mankind, who will appear but as boys in compari- 
 fon to you, fo greatly will you excel in vvifdom. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 I fhall be thoroughly fatisfied, if after twenty years I fhould be the fame 
 
 as you are now. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Never fear but you will : 1 was juft of your age when I began; about 
 forty, I fuppofc» 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 You are right : be pleafed, therefore, to lead me in the fame path : but, 
 pray, inform me firff, do you permit fcholars to aik queilions, and contra- 
 did:, if any thing you tell them feems wrong, or is this freedom never taken ? 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 * Never: you may, notwithftanding, alk any quefiions you pleafe : per- 
 haps you may Jearn the better for it, 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 So Hermes, whence you borrow your name, proteft me [ but tell me 
 my good friend, is there only one path,, that of you Stoics, which leads to 
 philofophy, or, as I have heard, a variety of them ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 There are many ; Peripatetics, Epicureans, thofe who take their name 
 from Plato, of Diogenes, the rivals of Antillhenes, the followers of Pytha- 
 goras, and feveral others. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 So I have been told; and do they all fay the fame things, or different h 
 
 • A^f-p^.] The difclples, both of the Stoic and Arlltotelian fchool, were obliged to fub- 
 fcribe implicitly to the ipfe dixit, and as Horace fays, 
 ' Jurarc in verba magiflri. 
 
 H E E-
 
 ^^4 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 O, to' ally different. 
 ^ L Y C I N U S. 
 
 If they all teach different things, but one of them, I fhould imagine, 
 
 can be right. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Mod certainly. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Pray then, my friend, when you firft entered on philofophy, and fo many 
 doors were open to it, what induced you to leave nil the reft, and ftrike into 
 that of the Stoics, as the only right path which could lead you to the truth, 
 whilft all the others were only blind alleys, where you could find no paflage : 
 how could you dlfcover this? You were not then, as you are now, a wife 
 man, or if you pleafe, a half wife one, able to judge fo much better than 
 we vulgar people can. Anfwer me fairly, therefore, like fuch an ignora- 
 mus as you were at that time, and as I am now. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 I do not rightly underftand your queftion, friend Lycinus» 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Surely there is nothing fo puzzling in it ; as there were many phllofophers, 
 Plato, Ariftotle, Antifthcnes, Chryfippus, one of your own family, Zeno, 
 and I know not hov/ many others, what prevailed on you to contemn all the 
 reft, and fix on that philofophy, which you chofe as the only good one ; did 
 the Pythian oracle decide in favour of the Stoic, and direcft you to it, as it 
 did * Chzerephon, telling you it was the beft ? it generally perfuades fome 
 to embrace one, and feme another, as knowing, 1 fuppofe, what is mod 
 fuitable to every man. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS, 
 
 That was not my reafon, Lycinus, nor did 1 confult any god about it. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Was it then that you thought the matter fcarce worthy the interpofitlon 
 of divine wifdom, or that you imagined yourfelf fufficiently able to deter- 
 mine without it ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 I really thought fo. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 You will, therefore, be fo kind as to inform me, by what means one may 
 at firft fight diftinguifli the true philofophy from all thofe that are falfe. 
 
 * Charephon.l See Plato's Apol. in Socratem» 
 
 II E R-
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 335 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 I will tell you J I faw numbers adhere to her, and therefore concluded Ihe 
 
 muft be the beft. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 How many more were they rhan the Platonifts and Epicureans ? For, I 
 
 fuppofc, you counted them, as they do at eleftions. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 I never counted them ; I only gueffcd. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Surely you do not mean to inftrudl, but to deceive and hide the truth 
 
 from me, when, in fuch an affair as this, you go by numbers and guefs- 
 
 ^°* HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 It was not that alone which determined me ; but I heard every body fay, the 
 Epicureans were fqueamifh voluptuaries, the Peripatetics fordid and litigi- 
 ous, the Platonics proud and vain-glorious; but the Stoics, numbers ac- 
 knowleged, were brave and all-knowing, and he who followed them was the 
 only wife, the only rich man, the only * king, was, in Ihort, every thing 
 
 that is defireable. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Did other people tell you this ? for, I fuppofe, you would hardly have 
 
 oiven credit to fuch as only praifed themfelves. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 By no means : I had it from many others. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Thofe who embrace a different opinion, the followers of other feds, and 
 
 there are many, could never tell you fo. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 No, certainly. 
 
 ' ^ L Y C I N U S. 
 
 You had it then from the ignorant and illiterate. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 May be fo. 
 
 ^ ^ L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Mark now how again you endeavour to impofe upon me, as If you were 
 
 * King.'] Horace defcrlbes the perfe^ phllofopher exaaiy In the fame manner. 
 Ad fmnmam, faplens uno minor ell J've, dives, 
 Liber, hoaoratus, pulcher— rex denique regum. Epift. i- !• *f>7' 
 
 talking
 
 33<J H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 talking with another * Margltes, foolifh enough, to believe that a man of 
 fenfe, like Hermotimus, at the age of forty, would have trufted a matter 
 fo important as philofophy to a parcel of ideots, who knew nothing of the 
 matter, and determined his choice as they diredted him. I would never 
 believe any body that fhould tell me fo. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 But you arc to know, my friend, I did not rely on others in this affair, 
 but on myfelf ; for I obferved the Stoics always of a decent carriage, always 
 well and properly cloathed, always fcrio.ss and thoughtful, with a manly 
 afpeft, generally clofe-lhaved, neither foft and effeminate, nor too rough 
 and negligent in their appearance, as the Cynics are, but preferving in all 
 things that medium which is univerfally admired. 
 
 I. Y C I N U S. 
 
 And did you never fee them do any of thofe things, which, as I juft now 
 
 obferved, your mafter was guilty of, fuch as turning ufurers, fcolding people 
 
 for their wages, quarrelling at their meetings, and the like? or do you 
 
 diink all this fignifies nothing, provided that their drefs is becoming, their 
 
 beards long, and their heads clofe-lhaved ? Upon the whole then, from this 
 
 wife deciiion, we learn this excellent rule, that we are to judge of merit by 
 
 habits, beards, and geflures ; and whoever excels not in thefe, and does 
 
 not look fierce, thoughtful, and morofe, fhould be reprobated ?nd defpifed. 
 
 But do you really think, Hermiotimus, I am to be fo eaiily fooled and im- 
 
 pofed on ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 What do you mean ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Drefs, my good friend, is the excellence of a flatue ; they are much 
 ^ better cloathed, and appear finer when a Phidias, a Myro, or Alca- 
 menes trick them out to the bcft advantage ; but, i*-" we rnutl judge from 
 thefe marks, what muft the feeker after true philofophy do, who happens 
 to be blind, how will he diftinguifh which fedt is the bell, who cannot fee 
 how they drefs, or how they walk ? 
 
 * M^-rgifcs.l Any foolifli fellow was commonly called Margites, probably from fome 'famous 
 ideot of that name. See Erafm. Chil. According to Ariflotle, Homer wrote a mock- 
 heroic, or latirical poem with this title, though it is difputed by other writers. 
 
 t Better cloathcci.] Mod of the beft ancient flatues, now extant, are naked.— The well- 
 drefled ones, which Lucian talks of, have not had the good fortune to reach us. 
 
 HER.
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 337 
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 . But I a:ii not talking to the blind, neither do 1 trouble myfelf about 
 
 them. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Surely, my good friend, in things of fuch confequencc, fo ufcful and 
 neceflary to all, there fhould be fome common, fome univerfal mark to dif- 
 tinguifh by : let the blind, if you pleafe, go without philofophy, as they 
 can fee nothing; though I fhould think a little philofophy very neceffary for 
 them, that they may bear their misfortune the better; but how can thofe 
 who do fee, be their eyes ever fo fharp, behold any thing belonging to the 
 mind, or judge of it from external appearance ? for, let me afk you, did 
 you not attach yourfelf to thefe men from an opinion of their underftanding, 
 and the hopes of improving by their advice ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Mofl undoubtedly. 
 
 L y C I N u s. 
 
 And how, by any of the figns you mentioned, could you tell whether a 
 man was a good or bad philofopher ? this does not appear at firft fight, but 
 lies hidden in fecret, and is brought forth only in length of time by fre- 
 quent meeting, converfation, and other means of the like nature. You have 
 heard, I fuppofe, the ftory of Momus and Vulcan; if you have not, thus 
 it runs. 
 
 There was once a trial of fkill, fays the fable, between Minerva, Nep- 
 tune, and Vulcan, which fhould produce the moft complete work : Nep- 
 tune made a bull, Minerva a horfe, and Vulcan a man. When they came 
 to Momus, whom they had chofen umpire, after a careful examination of 
 every performance, he found great fault with Vulcan (what he faid of the 
 reft it matters not), for not making a * door in his man's bread, to open 
 and let us know what he willed, and thought, and whether he fpoke truth 
 or not. 
 
 Momus was fo dull he could not fee into thefe things ; but you, with 
 more than the lynx's fliarpnefs, can fee into the breaft of every man, and not 
 only can tell what he wills, and what he thinks, but whether he is better 
 or worfe than any body elfe. 
 
 * A doorj ^r.] Plato mentions this fable. — Momus's window Is an excellent thought, and 
 might furnifli fome hints for a good periodical paper. 
 
 Vol.. I. X X HER-
 
 33$ H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 I perceive, Lycinus, that you laugh at me : but heaven approves my 
 ■choice ; nor do I repent of it ; that is fufficient for me. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 But not for me, my good friend ; furely you would not leave me thus to 
 wallow in the mire with the dregs and refufe of mankind. 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Nothing that I fay is agreeable to you. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 Kot fo, my friend ; it is becaufe you will fay nothing that can be agreeable 
 to me : you are purpofely clofe and refer ved, and feem afraid that I Ihould 
 become as good a philofopher as you are. I muft, therefore, try myfelf to* 
 form a judgment of my own, and find out, if poffibie, the true fed:. Liften 
 therefore to me a little, if you pleafe. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 With all my heart; you may advance fomething worth knowing. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 Attend then ; but do not laugh at me if I fhevv my want of /kill, and dcy 
 it in an aukward manner; as well I may, when even you, who know the- 
 thing fo much better, are fo obfcure. 
 
 I imagine virtue, then, as refembling a city (and thus, perhaps, your 
 
 mafter would defcribe her), whofe denizens are all perfed:ly happy, and per- 
 
 fedly wife, brave, jufl, temperate, and little lefs than gods: there )ou will 
 
 not fee men, as amongfl us, guilty of theft, rapine, andinjuftice; proud,, 
 
 arrogant, and oppreflive ; but all enjoying themfelves in mutual peace and 
 
 concord : nor is it to be wondered at, for all thofe things which in other 
 
 cities ftir up ftrife and contention, and excite men to lay fnares for and def- 
 
 troy each other, are baniflied from hence : they have no pleafure, glory, or 
 
 riches to contend for, which are all driven from this place, as fuperfluous 
 
 and unneceflary : here they live a peaceable and happy life, with good laws, 
 
 freedom, equality of condition, and every thing that is pleafant and de- 
 
 fireable. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 This, my friend, is a city which all would wifh to inhabit : who would 
 
 grudge their laHour in the fearch of it, or think the way long that led them 
 
 to fuch a place, if, after all, their names could be enrolled in it ? 
 
 L Y-
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. ^^^ 
 
 L Y c r N u s. 
 
 To this, Hermotlmus, we (hould zealoudy apply ourfelves, and caft away 
 every other care : if we could lay hold on fuch a country, neither parents 
 nor children, though with tears they intreated, (hould draw us from it; we 
 ihould exhort them to follow us in the fame path ; but if they were unwilling, 
 or unable, Ihake them off, and proceed on our journey to this bkffed city ; 
 tear off, and even leave our garment behind ; for from this place, though 
 naked, none are excluded. I remember well an old man defcribing this 
 place, and perfuading me to follow him thither, telling me he would go 
 firft, and when I came, would make me a denizen of that city, and of his 
 tribe, and that there I fhould live a life of perfed felicity. I, fuch was the 
 folly of youth, for it is fifteen years ago, did not follow him; perhaps by 
 this time I might have been in the fuburbs, or even at the gates of it. He 
 told me, I call to mind, amongft many other things, that there all were 
 guefts and flrangers, not natives of the place ; that many barbarians and 
 flaves, many poor, little, and deformed were there ; that every one, in fhorr, 
 who chofe it, might be a citizen ; for the law was, that none fhould be ad- 
 mitted on account of his eftate, hisdrefs, or flature, his beauty, his famil}^, 
 or the dignity of his anceftors ; to thefe no deference was paid ; to the rank 
 of citizen nothing was neceffary but wifdom, induftry, the love of truth, 
 contempt of pleafures, and a mind that would not bend or yield, though at- 
 tacked by ever fo many difficulties and dangers; poffeffed of th.fe qualities, 
 vvhofoever he be, he is immediately admitted; for the names of better or 
 vvorfe, noble or ignoble, freeman or flave, are never mentioned or thought 
 on there. 
 
 H E Pv M O T I M U S. 
 
 Now, Lycinus, you fee I had no little or triflng objed in view when my 
 ambition was to become a denizen of fuch a noble, fuch a happy city. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 Our purfuits then are the fame, nor is there any thing which I more ar- 
 -dently wifh to obtain ; had it been near, and in fight of all men, I had long 
 fince been a citizen of it; but fince, as both you and Hefiod, that old rhap- 
 fodifl, tell us, it is a great way off, we mufl endeavour to find out the bcft 
 way, and the fureft guide to it : Ihould we not ? 
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 The only means, no doubt of arriving at it. 
 
 X X a L Y-
 
 340 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 L y C I N u s. 
 
 As far as promifes and proteffions go, we have guides enough ; hundreds 
 fland ready, and tell us they are inhabitants juft come from thence: and as 
 to ways, there is not only one but many to it, and all different from each 
 other; one leads to the eaft, another to the weft, one goes north, another 
 fouth ; fome carry us through flowery groves, meads, and pleafant Ihades, 
 without thorns or briars, whilft others are rough and ftony, through per- 
 petual heat, thirft, and labour; and yet all, they tell us, lead to one city, 
 thou^^h they every one bring us out through paths diredly oppofite. Thus 
 are we left ftill in doubt and uncertainty ; for at the entrance of every path 
 there meets you one, worthy no doubt of all your confidence, who ftretches 
 out his hand, deliring you to follow him, telling you that his is the only 
 ri<^ht way, and that all the reft are wandering in the dark, that they neither 
 came from thence themfelves, nor are able to diredt others to it; the next 
 and the next you meet tells you the fame ftory, and fo will every one of 
 them. It is this variety of ways which diftrads and confounds us, where 
 each guide contends for, and praifes his own, I cannot tell which to fol- 
 low, or how I am ever to arrive at this feat of happinefs. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 I can at once free you from all your doubts ; truft to thofe who have gone 
 the journey before you, and you cannot err. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 But who are they ? which way did they travel, and what guide did they 
 follow ? for the fame uncertainty occurs, only in another form, when, tak- 
 ino- leave of the things themfelves, we confider the men who perform them. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 How fo ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Becaufe one, for inftance, ftrikes into Plato's road, and with him, praifes 
 
 that alone ; a fecond goes into that of Epicurus, a third to another mafter, 
 
 and you to your's : is it not fo, my friend ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 And why not ? 
 
 L Y C I N U 8. 
 
 You have not, therefore, removed my doubts, for ftill I am as ignorant 
 
 as before, and know not on which traveller I muft rely ; for I perceive that 
 
 each of them, together with his guide, has tried but one way, which he 
 
 commends.
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. g^x 
 
 commends, and rells us it is the only one that leads to the dry: but how 
 can I know that he tells me truth, that he has got to the end of his journey? 
 That he has feen fome citv, I may grant him, bur whether he has ever been 
 at that whee you and I wiih to be, or whether he may have gone to Baby- 
 lon, and taken that for Corinth, I am ftill to learn. It is not every one 
 who has feen a city that has been at Corinth, for Corinth is not the only one : 
 but what confounds me moft is, that as I know there is but one Corinth, fo 
 there is but one right and true way to it, and that all the reft will lead us 
 any where elfe, any where rather than there, unlefs one could be foolifh 
 enough to fuppofe that the way to India, or the Hyperboreans, could lead 
 
 us to Corinth. 
 
 H E R M O T I M U S, 
 
 Which can never be. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Therefore, my good Hermotimus, great caution is neceffary, both with 
 
 regard to the path, and to our leaders in it : we rauft not here obferve the 
 
 old * faying, *' wherever our feet will carry us, there let us go ;" for thuS', 
 
 inftead of going into the path that leads to Corinth, we might get to Bacftra, 
 
 or Babylon : nor muft we take our chance and truft to fortune; in length of 
 
 time this, perhaps, might bring us there ; but in matters of fuch moment 
 
 we muft not ftand the hazard of the -|- dye, Ihut up all our hopes in fuch a 
 
 narrow compafs ; or, as the I proverb fays, " crofs the Ionian or ^gean 
 
 in a wicker boat." If, aiming at truth, we mifs the mark. Fortune is not to 
 
 be blamed, becaufe fhe ftands alone, amongft a thoufand falfehoods. Even 
 
 § Homer's archer, Teucer I think it was, could not do this, who, when he 
 
 fliot at the pigeon, only broke the cord that held it; it is probable, indeed, 
 
 that we may hit fome thing, but fcarce fo that, out of all, we ftiould ftrike 
 
 the very thing we aimed at : the danger is, when thus we truft that Fortune 
 
 will chufe the beft for us, left we fall into fome fatal error, when we have 
 
 • Old faying.'] Quocunque pedes ferunt. See Erafm. in Proverb, not unlike our own com- 
 mon exprelfion, " toilovv your nofe." 
 
 f The dye.] It is obfervable that this image has been adopted by all languages, and Is to be 
 met with in alraoft every author ancient and modern. 
 
 X The Proverb.] ^geum fcaphula tranfmittere. See Erafm. Prov. This proverbial phrafe 
 was uiually applied to any very hazardous or dcfperate undertaking. 
 
 § HoBier^i archer.] From Homer's defcription of the funeral games In honour of Patroclus> 
 
 The well-aim'd arrow turn'J afide 
 
 Err'd from the dove, yet cut the cord that ty'd. 
 
 See Pope's Homer's Iliad, book xxiii. 1. 1024. 
 
 loofeiJ
 
 342 H E R M O T I M U S; 
 
 loofed our anchor and fet fail, we cannot always return in fafety, but may- 
 be toU ibout an fea, fuffer head-ach, ficknefs, and a thoufand terrors : when 
 we ought, before we left the harbour, to have feated ourJelves on an emi- 
 nence, and feen whether the wind was fair for Corinth, chofen an able pilot, 
 «nd provided a well-built veffel, that could weather a ftorm. 
 
 HERMOTIMU^. 
 
 It would certainly be mod prudent : but I know, after all, if you go 
 through the vvhole circle, you will never find better leaders, or more expert 
 pilots than the Stoics: if you wilh to get to Corinth, follow them; walk 
 after Zeno and Chryfippus, or you will never do it. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 This is all old and trite, Hermotimus ; thofe who follow Plato and Epi- 
 curus fayjuflthe fame thing, every one tells me I Ihall never arrive at Co- 
 rinth without him : thus I muft either give credit to all, which would be 
 abfurd and ridiculous, or to neither of them ; and this is certainly the fafeft 
 way, till we can find out fomebody that will fpeak truth. For only fup- 
 pofe that, ignorant of it as I am now, I fnould embrace your opinion, and 
 repofe confidence in you as my friend, you, who arc attached to the Stoic 
 doctrines, and will acknowlege no other j fuppofe that, after this, fome god 
 Ihould call back to life Plato, Ariftotle, Pythagoras, and the reft of them ; 
 fuppofe they fliould bring me before their tribunal, fhould all furround me, 
 and fay, — how comes it, friend Lycinus, that you have thus preferred to us 
 Zeno and Chryfippus, thofe men of yefterday, without ever confulting us, 
 or attending to o-ur arguments ? how could I anfwer them ? Would it be 
 fufficient to fa)^, I relied on Hermotimus, my old friend and companion : we 
 know him not, might they reply, nor is he ac juainted with us ; you ought 
 not, therefore, thus to have condemned us, abfent and unheard ; you ought 
 not to have placed fuch confidence in a man who Knows but one fed:, and 
 that imperfedly ; it is not thus our lawgivers inftrudt their judges, nor do 
 •they permit them to hear one fide only, and not the other, but to give equal 
 attention to both, that the arguments of each being carefully weighed and 
 confidered, they may difcern truth from falfehood ; and this, if they do not 
 perform, the law allows them to appeal to another judicature. 
 
 Thus, perhaps, my friend, would they inter ogare me. Suppofe, again, 
 one of them fhould fay, — What think you, Lycinus, if an Ethiopian, who 
 had never been out of his own country, or feen fuch men as we are, ihould 
 
 allert,
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 543 
 
 aflert, In a public aflembly, that there were not upon the face of the earth 
 
 any men of white or yellow complexions, but that they were all black, 
 
 would he he believed ? Would nor fome of the elders reprove him, and fay, 
 
 how < mie yon, who were never out of Ethiopia, to know what other men 
 
 may be ? Wo jld not fucli a reproof be juft, my friend ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 No doubt of it. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 It would, you think : fuppofe then, but that, perhaps, you will not likff 
 
 fo well, we a])piy this to ourfelves. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 How do you mean ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Why, fuppofe, in like manner, they Ihould fay to me ; thus It Is, Lycl- 
 Dus, that your friend, Hermotimus, is acquainted with the docftrine of the 
 Stoics only; he has never travelled into the regions of Plato, or Epicurus ; 
 if he affcrts that beauty and truth are no where to be met with but in the 
 Portico, will you not call him rafh, thus to decide on all, when he knows- 
 but one; thus to judge of all countries, when he has never fet his foot out 
 of Ethiopia ! How am I to anfwer this, Hermotimus ? 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 By telling him the truth, Lycinus : by faying that we adhere to the Stoic 
 tenets, and teach philofophy by them ; but are not ignorant of others : our 
 maHers, in their le<ftures, never fail to mention, and confute them^ 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 And here, do you think, that Plato,. Pythagoras, Epicurus, and the reft 
 would remain filent, or that they would not laugh at me, and fay, what is- 
 your friend Hermotimus about > Does he think it fair and equitable to 
 give credit to our adverfaries, and to believe every thing which they report 
 of us, either through ignorance, or becaufe they wifh to corrceal the truth ? 
 If the prefident of the public games (hould fee one of the combatants, be- 
 fore the battle began, pradifing alham fight, and * beating the air, would 
 he, think you, crown the man as a conqueror ? or would he not confider 
 this merely as youthful fport and exercife •, as the conteft could not be de- 
 cided, or vidlory declared, till one acknowlegcd himielf conquered.. Let 
 
 • Beating, fffc.] St. Paul alludes to this culbm, <' So fight F, as one that beateth-the air."' 
 See Paul's Ep, i Cor. \x, 26.. 
 
 not
 
 34^ H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 not Hermotimus, therefore, becaufe his mafters fight with ihadows, and 
 beat us in our abfence, imagine that he has fubdued us, or that our argu- 
 ments are fo eafily confuted : this is like children, who build houfes and pull 
 them down again iQ:imediately ; or like young archers, who tie little bundles 
 of ftraw to the top of a fpear, and Ihoot at them ; if at two yards diflance 
 when, if they chance to hit a ftraw, they think it a mighty feat indeed : but 
 the * Perfian, or the Scythian fhoot not thus ; they will do it even on horfe- 
 back, and in full fpeed ; they wifn not for the mark they aim at, to ftand 
 flill and wait for their arrows, but to move about, and fly from them as fafl: 
 as poffible; thus they kill all their beafts and birds; if they fet up a mark 
 to try their fkill, it is fome hard wood that can refift the flroke, fome ftiield 
 of touc^h bull's hide, hoping by fuch exercife that they may learn to pierce 
 through the armour of their enemies. Tell your friend, Hermotimus, from 
 us, good Lycinus, that his mafters are only hitting bundles of ftraw, and 
 boafting at the fame time, that they have conquered fo many armed men ; 
 painting pidtures of us, which they fight with, and conquering, overcom- 
 ing, and then fuppofing, what is very eafy to fuppofe, that rhey have con- 
 quered us : but we may, every one of us, fay of them, as Achilles did of 
 Hedor, 
 
 -j- With ftedfaft eye they will not dare to gaze 
 
 At this bright helmet. 
 
 Plato, who was well acquainted with Sicily, brings us a ftory from thence, 
 of Gelo of Syracufe, who, it feems, had a (linking breath, which he, being 
 a great monarch, nobody durft tell him of; till at length, a foreign woman 
 met with, and took the liberty to acquaint him how the matter ftood ; when 
 the king returned home to his wife, he was extremely angry with her that 
 fhe had never mentioned it to him, though flie muft have known how ofFen- 
 five he was ; but Ihe hoped, flie faid, he would forgive her, alleging in 
 excufe, that as fhe had never known, or converfed clofely with any other 
 man, flie concluded that every body fmelt in the fame manner. 
 
 Thus might Plato fay of Hermotimus, that converfing with Stoics only, 
 it is no wonder he is a ftranger to the breaths of other men ; and thus alfo 
 might Chryfippus complain, if leaving him unheard, I join the Platonics, 
 
 * The Perftan.'\ The Perfians were remarkable for their extraordinary Ikill and dexterity in 
 the ufe of the bow. 
 
 f With Jed/aft eje^ fe'c] See Homer's Iliad, book xvi. 1. 71. 
 
 and
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 345 
 
 and truft in none but thofe who herd with them, and them only. In a word, 
 therefore, whilfl: it remains Hill a fecret which is the beft fed in philofophy, 
 I am refolved not to follow any one ; as that would be an affront upon all 
 the reft. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 By Vefta, I intreat you, Lycinus, let Plato, Arlftotle, Epicurus, and all 
 of them reft in peace, I Ihall not contend with them : but let you and I, 
 my friend, enquire by ourfelves whether there be not in truth fuch a philo- 
 fophy as we are in fearch of. Where was the neceflity of calling in your 
 -Ethiopians, or Gelo's wife ? 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 If you think there is no occafion for, we will difmifs them. And now, 
 fpeak your mind, for you feem to be teeming with fomething great and 
 wonderful. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 My opinion, then, is, that every man, who is acquainted with the dodrinc 
 of the Stoics only, may very eafily learn the truth from them, without con- 
 fultlng others, or afking every body you meet ; for, only confider, if a man 
 fliould tell you that two and two make four, muft you go about to all the 
 arithmeticians to know whether it be (o, or whether fomebody elfe does not 
 fay that they make five, or feven ? or do you not fee immediately that he 
 muft have told you truth ? 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 Immediately : no doubt. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Why may it not happen, then, that one ftiould light on a Stoic, who will 
 tell us the truth, and be perfuaded by him, without going to any of the 
 reft ? when one knows that four c.in never become five, though a thoufand 
 Plato's and Pythagoras's ftiould affirm it. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 This, Hermotimus, is nothing to the point in queftion : you compare 
 
 things which all men agree in, to things which all men differ about : did 
 
 you ever meet with any one who faid that two and two made feven or eleven? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Never : none but a madman could ever aflert it. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 But, tell me (and, by the Graces I intreat you, ftick to truth in your an- 
 
 VoL. I. Y y fwer),
 
 246 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 fwer), did you never hear of Stoics and Epicureans differing about the be- 
 ginnings and ends of all things ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Never. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Mark, now, how you endeavour to miflead your friend. I am in fearch 
 of true philofophy, you carry me to the Stoics, and tell me, they, and they 
 alone, have difcovered that two and two make four; but this is a doubtful 
 point ; for the Platonics and Epicureans may fay that they have found this 
 out, and that you make five or feven of it : this you do when you affirm, 
 that nothing but what is honeft can be good ; whilfl: the Epicureans tell us, 
 nothing can be good that is not pleafant : you fay, every thing in nature is 
 corporeal, but Plato fays there are many things incorporeal : you, therefore, 
 argue unfairly, Hermotimus, by referring every thing to the Stoics, when 
 the judgment of others ought to be confulted alfo, and every one heard in 
 their turns, before we determine. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Lycinus, you do not feem rightly to underfland what I mean. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Make it plainer then, if you have any thing more to urge. 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 I will immediately. Suppofe, then, that two men came Into the temple 
 of Bacchus, or JElculapius ; a cup is miffing from the altar, both of them 
 muft be fearched, to fee which of them has got it in his bofom. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 Certainly. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 For one of them mult have it. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 Mod probably. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 But if you find it upon one, you need not ll:rip the other, as it is plain 
 
 he cannot have it. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 Plain enough. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 And if you do not find it in the bofom of the firfl, the other mull have 
 
 . it, and there is no occafion to fearch him for it, 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 True. 
 
 HER.
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 347 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Thus, my friend, if we find our cup amongfl: the Stoics, we need not 
 ftrip any body elfe ; we have what we were in fearch of, and why fhouid we 
 take any more trouble about it ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 But, after all, my friend, if you do find the thing, you can never be cer- 
 tain that it is the very thing you were in fearch of. The comparifon will not 
 hold good ; for firft, it is not, in this cafe, only two who gi into the temnle 
 one of whom muft have it, but a great many ; then, again, we are not quite 
 clear what the thing is, whether it be a cup, a phial, or a garland ; for 
 fomeof the priefls call it one thing, and fonie another, nor are they agreed 
 even about what it is made of; one calls it brafs, another fil.er, another 
 gold, and another tin : all, therefore, who go in muft be ftripped, if you 
 expedt to meet wich what you are in fearch of: even if you find a gold phial 
 upon one, ftill you muft examine the reft. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Why fo ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Becaufe it is not certain whether it was a phial, that they loft, or fonie- 
 
 thing elfe ; and even, if this is determined, it is not yet agreed upon, that 
 
 the phial was a gold one ; nay, after all, if this was fettled, and you fhouid 
 
 find a gold phial, ftill there is a neceflity of fearching the reft; you could 
 
 not be fure this belonged to the temple; for, may there not be more golden 
 
 phials than one ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Certainly. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 All, therefore, muft be examined, and what is found upon each fairly 
 produced, that fo we may determine which is the very thing that was ftolen 
 out of the tempie. What makes the affair ftill more perplexing is, that upon 
 every one who is ftripped may be found fomething ; a firft fhall have a cup, 
 a fecond a phial, a third a crown ; one fhall be of brafs, another, perhaps, 
 of gold, and another of filver ; but whether cither of them is the facred one 
 does nor appear : you are ftill, therefore, at a lofs for the thief, -and if they 
 found all alike, you could not guefs which had ftolen that very thing; for 
 they might all be private property : the principal caufe of all this uncer- 
 tainty is, that the cup which is loft has no infcription on it ; for if it had the 
 name of the deity, or of the giver upon it, we fhouid be at little tiouble, 
 
 Y y 2 and
 
 34$ H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 and if once found on any one, we need not then examine or drip any of the 
 
 reft. But, did you ever fee the public games ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Often, and in many places. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Did you ever fit near the judges ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Yes, very lately, at the Olym; ics. Evandns, the Elean, procured me a 
 
 feat amongft his countrymen, clofe to the ^ Hellenodicje, as I wilhed to be 
 
 as near as poffible. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 You know, then, that the combatants draw lots whom they are to con- 
 tend with. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 I know it. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 As you fat fo clofe, you can tell beft yourfelf then, how it was. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 In former times, when Hercules prefided, it was determined by leaves of 
 
 laurel. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 I do not want to know what they did formerly, but how it is now. 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 They bring a lilver urn, facred to the deiry, into which are thrown little 
 lots, in the Ihape of beans : on two of thefe is infcribcd the letter A, on two 
 others B, on two others C, and fo on, according to the number of the com- 
 batants, two lots to every letter; then each of the candidates approaching, 
 atfer praying to Jupiter for fuccefs, puts his hand into the urn, and takes out 
 one of the lots, and after him another and another ; an officer with a -f- whip 
 Handing by, to prevent any of them from feeing what letter they have drawn. 
 
 * The HeUenodica.'] Were ten perfons, one out of each of the Elean tribes, appointed to pre- 
 fide over the Olympic games in the Elean forum, where they were obliged to refide for tea 
 months before the celebration of them, to take care that the candidates performed their 7rpoyt/|iA- 
 mfffMCTec, or preparatory exerciles. They took an oath that they would a6l impartially, take no 
 bribes, nor difcover why they dllliked or approved any of the combatants.' They fat naked at 
 the folemnlty, and adjudged the prize as they thought proper. An appeal, however, lay from 
 them, in particular cafes, to the Olympian fenate. See Potter. 
 
 t l-ThiJ) ] Probably fuch a one as our captain Vinegar at a horfe -race, or cricket-match, who 
 with a long whip prevents the mob from running in, and fpoiling the fport, A very ufeful 
 extempore magiftraie. 
 
 When
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 349 
 
 When every one has got his own, the * Alytarches, or one of the Helleno- 
 
 dicse, I fori^et which of them, examines the lots of all, as they (land in a 
 
 circle, and matches him who has drawn one A, with him who has got the 
 
 other, B with B, and fo on, if the combatants are in even numbers, to four, 
 
 eight, twelve, or twenty ; if uneven, five, feven, nine, &c. befides rhefe, 
 
 one odd lot, with a letter, is put into the urn, that has no letter anfwering 
 
 to it; whoever draws this, having no correfponding adverfary to oppofe him, 
 
 muft ftay till all the reft have contended, which is no little advantage to him, 
 
 as he remains frefh himfelf, and is to attack thofe who are already worn out 
 
 with the combat. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Stop a moment : this is the very thing which I wanted ; we will fuppofe 
 
 there are nine combatants, and each has drawn his lot; do you go round, 
 
 for I will make you a judge inftead of a fped:ator, and examine the letters; 
 
 you cannot tell which has the odd one, till you have compared them all. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Why fo ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Becaufe whatever letter you might meet with firft, you could not poHlbly 
 tell it was that, for it is not marked beforehand with a K, an M, or an I : 
 when you light upon A, you muft look for the other, when upon B, for 
 the other B that anfwers to it, and fo on, till you find that fingle letter which 
 has no other correfpondent to it. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 But fuppofe that comes up firft or fecond, what will you do with it ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 What, indeed, Mr. Judge .? would you immediately pronounce that to be 
 the fingle one ? or muft not you firft go through all the letters, to fee if any 
 one of them anfwers to it ? unlefs you examine all the lots, you cannot be 
 fure that this is the fingle one. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 That I can very eafily : for if there are but nine, and I find E in the firft 
 or fecond place, I know that he who has this lot muft be the fingle com- 
 batant. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 How fo ? 
 
 * Jlatarches.] An Officer appointed, like our conflables, by the Hellenodica, to preferve 
 peaceand good order at the public games, and to punifli fuch as were unruly. 
 
 HER.
 
 350 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Why, thus : there are two A's, two B's, two C's, and two D's, four let- 
 ters for the eight combatants ; the next letter E, therefore, muft be the odd 
 one, and confeqnently belongs to him who is left fingle. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 Shall I praife the art of 3'onr reply, or fhall I fay fomething in anfwer to It? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Anfwer it, by all means ; though I do not fee what you can rationally pro- 
 duce againft it. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 You contend that the letters are all put in alphabetically, firll A, then B, 
 and fo on, till there remains but one for the fingle combatant : and at the 
 Olympics, I grant you, fo it is : but fuppofe we take five letters without any 
 order, as C S Z K T, infcribing four of them twice on eight lois, leaving 
 the letter Z for the laft ; if, on examining, Z comes firft to h.md, how can 
 you tell that it belongs to the fingle combatant, unlefs you nrft go through 
 them all, and obferve that it has no correfponding Z to anfwer to it, and 
 they are not placed alphabetically ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 There, indeed, I cannot fo eafily anfwer you. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 But let us confider this matter in another light ; fuppofe, inftead of letters, 
 we infcribe on the lots certain marks or fymbols, as is the cuftom of the Egyp- 
 tians, who paint men with the heads of dogs or lions; but as thcfe are ab- 
 furd and ridiculous, let us take marks that are more fimple and uniform, 
 fuch as on two lots, for ii ilance, two men, on two others two horfes, two 
 cocl.s, or two dogs, and let the ninth be marked with a lion : now if you 
 fhould lisht on the lion firft, how are you to know that to be the odd one, 
 except you firfl: go through them all, to fee if there is any other mark of a 
 lion correfponding with it. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 To this, in good truth, Lycinus, 1 fhall give you no anfwer. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 I fuppofe not, for it is unanfwerable ; if, therefore, you fee, we 
 want to find out the gold cup, or the beft guide to Corinth, or the 
 old lot, we muft firft try and examine all with the utmoft prudence 
 and circumfpedion ; and, even then, with difficulty Ihall we difcover 
 
 the
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 351 
 
 the truth. With regard to philofophy, if I repofe confidence on any man, 
 it ftiail be on him alone who knows every thing that is faid about it by every 
 one. 1 would no' believe him if he was a ftranger but to one fed; for that 
 one might, perhaps, be the bwft of all : in like manner as if any one Ih'uld 
 bring me a handfome man, and fay he was the mod beaut'ful of all men, I 
 would not give him credit, ui.kfs 1 w:is fatisfied that he had himfelf feen all 
 forts of men ; and if he had not, he could not poflibly fay, however beauti- 
 ful he might be, that he was the moft beautiful of all mankind. Now we, 
 my friond, are in fearch, not only of the beautiful, but of perfect beauty, 
 and we do nothing if we do not difcover, not mere y fomething handlome, 
 but that fummit of true beauty, which mufl be ^ uniqjje. 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Granted. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Can you fhew me a man, then, who has tried every path in philofophy, 
 who knows all that has been faid by Pythagoras, Plato, Ariftotle, Chry- 
 fippus, Epicurus, and the refl of them ; and after, out of them all, hath 
 chofen that which by his own experience he is fatisfied is the only one which 
 can guide him to true happinefs ? If we can meet with fuch a one, our la- 
 bour is at an end. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 But fuch a man, Lycinus, we fhall not eafily find. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 What then is to be done ? Though we have not the good fortune to 
 meet with any of thefe leaders, we need not defpair. The bed and fafell 
 way is for every man to go through every fe<ft, and confider ferioufly what 
 
 is advanced by every one of them. 
 
 H E R INI O T I M U S. 
 
 So, indeed, it Ihould feem, if it did not contradidt what you juft now 
 
 mentioned, namely, that when we have fpread our fails, and ventured on 
 
 the ocean, it is not always fo eafy to get back again : and how could a 
 
 man try every path, if, as you fay, he may be detained and kept back in 
 
 the very firfl ? 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 I will tell you how : we mull imitate f Thefeus ; get a clue of Ariadne 
 
 at 
 
 * Unique.] Greek, ooc^orxroy x^xxe? 'oTttp ccyxyKn u «v*i. The French word here adopted In the 
 tranllation, happily anfwers both to the x«xx«j and'J» of the original. 
 
 t Tbt/'eus.] The llory alluded to, which the unlearned reader may, perhaps, be unac- 
 
 i|uaiiKed
 
 352 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 at every labyrinth, and fo extricate ourfelves from it without any trouble. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 But who fliall be our Ariadne, or where Ihall we get thread enough for 
 
 the clue ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Courage, my friend ; never defpair : I think I have got one we may 
 
 hold by. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Where is it ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 It is none of mine, but an aphorifm of one of your ^ wife men, " Be al- 
 ways fober, and never credulous :" if we take care not to believe too much, 
 but judge deliberately, and let them talk on, we may, poffibly, get out of 
 
 the labyrinth. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 The advice is good, let us follow it. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Be it fo : and now whom Ihall we apply to firfl: ? though that is of no 
 
 great confequence ; fuppofe, for inftance, as chance may diredt us, we come 
 
 to Pythagoras ; how long, think you, may we be learning all his do(ftrines ? 
 
 including his five years filence, I fuppofe, about thirty years, or twenty at 
 
 leaft. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Thereabouts. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Plato, then, would take near as many ; and Ariftotle as many more. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Certainly not lefs. 
 
 quainted with, is briefly this : Minos, king of Crete, annually facrificed a bull to Neptune; 
 but chancing one year to pick out a very beautitul one for thepurpofe, he thought it too hand- 
 fome, and fubftituted another in its ftead. Neptune, being affronted at this, infpired his wife, 
 Pafiphae, with a paflion for the fine bull, and the fruit of her amour was a monfler, half man 
 and half bull, called the Minotaur, which Minos confined in the famous labyrinth made by Daj- 
 dalus, and facrificed to it, every feventh year, feven young Athenian men and as many virgins: 
 but the great Thefeus delivered his country from this cruel tribute, by flaying the moniler, 
 whom, the poets tell us, he would never have got at, or got away from, if the fair Ariadne, 
 Minos's daughter, who fell in love with, had not fupplied him with a clue, or thread, 
 that guided him fafe through the labyrinth. — Something of the fame kind is related concerning 
 the fair Rofamond, Woodftock bower, &c. 
 
 • Wife men.'] Epicharmus, the Sicilian philofopher. Tully has adopted this faying, nervi 
 (feyi he) atque artus funt fapientiae, non temere credere. 
 
 L Y C I-
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. ^^_^ 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 With regard to Chryfippus, I need not afk you how many, as you have 
 already told me that forty years are fcarce fufficient. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 True. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Then for Epicurus, and the reft of them — you muft think me moderate in 
 my calculation, when you confider how many Stoics, Epicureans, and Pla- 
 tonifts there are, who, at fourfcore, acknowlege that they do not yet tho- 
 roughly underftand all the doftrines of their own feft, fo as to be pcrfed in 
 their knowlege of it : this Chryfippus, Ariftotle, and Plato themfelves 
 have confefled ; and Socrates, not inferior to either of them, long fince- 
 declared, fo far from knowing all things, that all he knew was that 
 he knew nothing. Reckoning then, Pythagoras twenty, Plato twenty 
 more, and fo on for the reft, how many years will it make for ten feds 
 only ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Above two hundred. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Suppofe we take off a fourth part, then there will remain a hundred and 
 fifty, or even one half. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 You know beft ; but I think, at this rate, very few would be able to go 
 through all the feds, though they began as foon as they were born. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 What then, in this cafe, my good friend, is to be done ? doth it not prove 
 what I obferved, that out of many we can never chufe the beft, unlefs we 
 try all, and he who decides without trial, if he finds out the truth, is in- 
 debted more to chance than judgment; was not that what we faid ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 It was. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 We muft live a long time, indeed, before ue can explore every thing, 
 make choice of our philofophy, and by that become wife and happy : but 
 before we can do this, we muft dance about, as they fay, in the dark, 
 ftumbling at every thing we meet, and whatever comes firft to hand, be' 
 lieving that to be the great truth which we were In fearch of; if, by good 
 
 ^°'"'' Zz fortune.
 
 354 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 fortune, we light on any thing valuable, we cannot be certain that it is what 
 we want ; fo many things refembling each other, and every one pretending 
 
 to be the truth. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 I know not how it is, Lycinus, but your arguments feem to me to have 
 too much reafon in them ; and to fay the truth, you have given me no little 
 uneafmefs, by fcrutinizing things fo nicely, where there was no neceflity. 
 Bad luck, I think, has attended me ever fince I left my houfe this morning, 
 and I was unfortunate in lighting on you, who, when 1 was juft arrived at 
 the fummit of my hopes, have thrown me back into doubt and uncertainty, 
 by almoft convincing me that the inveftigation of truth is beyond our ftrength, 
 as it requires fo many years to be matters of it. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 You may as well, my good friend, blame your father Menecrates, or your 
 mother, whatever her name be, for I know not, or rather, indeed, human 
 nature, for not making you as long lived as Tithonus, and circumfcribing 
 us all in this manner within the fhort fpace af a century. I have only found 
 out what arofe from our rational enquiry into the matter, 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Not fo, Lycinus ; you were always contentious, and, I know not why, 
 hate philofophy, and laugh at the profelfors of it. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 My dear Hermotimus, you and your matter, perhaps, who are philofo- 
 phers, can bett tell what Truth is ; I only know that Ihe is not always agree- 
 able to thofe who hear her ; in her outward appearance Falfehood greatly ex- 
 cels her, whiltt (he, confcious of her own integrity, adts towards all men 
 with boldnefs and confidence, and for that very reafon they are angry with 
 her ; as you now are with me, for finding out the truth of this affair, and 
 declarino- to vou that what we both fo much admiie is not eafy to be ob- 
 tained : it is juft as if you had fallen in love with a ttatue, which you mif- 
 took for a fine woman, and hoped to enjoy her ; while I, who knew it to be 
 nothing but brafs or ttone, with the bett intention, endeavoured to convince 
 you that you could never get pofleflion of her, and then you call me ill- 
 natured and malevolent, for not fuffering you to be impofed on, or to hope, 
 abfurdly, for what could never be acquired.. 
 
 H E R^
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. ^^^ 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 So we are never to philofophize, but give ourfelves up to floth and indo- 
 Jence, and live the life of fools. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 When did you hear me affert this ? I never forbid your philofophizing : I 
 only fay, when there are fo many paths, all leading to philofophy and vir- 
 tue, and the true one lays hidden from us, we fhould make a ftrid examina- 
 tion, that out of many we cannot pick out the beft, without trying all, which 
 feems to be a tedious experiment : how then, I alk you once more, will you 
 adt? Will you follow the firft who comes in your way, and philofophize 
 with him, and fhall he, by fome propitious Mercury, make his market of 
 
 you ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 It is impoffible to anfwer you, whilfl: you deny that any man can judge 
 for himfelf, unlefs he could live as long as a phoenix, to go through the 
 univerfe, and prove every thing : neither will you believe thofe who have 
 tried the multitude, whofe confent bears witnefs to what they approve. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 But who is this multitude ? Does it confift of thofe who know and have 
 experienced all things ? If they are fuch men, one alone will fuffice. I alk 
 not for many of them : but if it is of the ignorant alone, their multitude 
 will never induce me to believe them ; when, knowing only one thing, cr 
 perhaps nothing, they pronounce decifively on all. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 You alone can fpy out the truth ; and all befides, who pretend to philofo- 
 phize, are fools and madmen. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 Hermotimus, you afperfe me cruelly ; for never at any time did I aflume 
 a fuperiority over others, or place myfelf amongfl: the wife and learned. You 
 forget what I but juft now told you, that I never pretended to know more of 
 the truth than any body elfe, but confeffed that, with them, I was igno- 
 rant of it. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 It may be right to go round to all, to enquire into their feveral tenets and 
 opinions, and from thence to determine which is the belt ; but furely to 
 affign fo many years for every experiment is ridiculous, as if from a few 
 one might not judge of all ; fomething of this kind appears to me to be very 
 
 Z z z eafy,
 
 356 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 eafy, and would prevent delay. We are told of a certain ftatuary, Phidias, 
 I believe it was, who, feeing the * toe-nail of a lion, could tell from that 
 of what fize the lion himfelf was to be made : and you yourfelf, if any one 
 ftretchcd out a man's hand to you, and covered the body, could ealily, I 
 fuppofe, tell it was a man, though you did not fee him ; and, in like man- 
 ner, it is eafy, in a fmall part of a day, to get together the fum and fub- 
 ftance of every thing that has been faid on this matter, and all that nice en- 
 quiry, which takes up fuch a length of time, is unnecefTary, w ith regard to 
 a judgment of what is beft, as the whole may be known from that coUedion. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 How weakly you argue, Hermotimus, to imagine that the whole can be- 
 known from particular parts : I have alw^ays heard, on the other hand, that 
 he who knows the whole muft know the parts alfo ; but he who is acquainted 
 with a part only, doth not, therefore, know the whole. But, pray, anfwer 
 me this qucftion ; would Phidias, when he faw^ the toe-nail, have known it 
 to be a lion's, if he had never feen a lion, or, when you faw the hand, could 
 YOU tell it to be a man's, if you had never feen a man ? Your Phidias, there- 
 fore, is not at all to the purpofe, and I might well cry out, this is nothing to 
 Bacchus : how will you draw the parallel ? Phidias and you might know the 
 whole from the parts, becaufe you were before acquainted with a man and a 
 lion ; but with regard to philofophers. Stoics, or any other, how from one 
 part could you know any thing of the reft, or how can you pronounce them 
 beautiful, when you are a ftranger to the whole of which thofe parts confifl ? 
 As to what vou fay about the fubflance of philofophy being learned in a 
 day's time, what the mailers fay about the firft principles and ends of things, 
 their opinions of god and the foul, fome calling every thing body, and others 
 holding that many things are incorporeal ; fome placing the chief good in 
 pleafure, others in virtue ; all this, I grant, may be learned without much 
 labour ; but to know which of thefe is in the right, will require, not a part 
 ofonedav, but a great many whole ones : have they WTitren, think you, fo 
 many hundred, fo many thoufand books, to prove the truth of what you 
 imagine to be fo very clear, eafy, and obvious to every capacity ? Here, I am 
 afraid, if you are impatient of delay, and will not examine every thing be- 
 ^ fore you make your choice, you muil: have a prieft to decide it for you. The 
 mofl compendious w-ay of avoiding delays and perplexity, in this cafe, is cer- 
 
 * Toe-na:l'[ Ex pede Herculem. 
 
 tainly
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 357 
 
 tainly to call in an Augur, and as you go through the feveral heads, confult 
 the ^ entrails concerning them ; the oracle will fave you an infinite deal of 
 trouble, and fhew you at once, in the liver of the vidlim, what choice you 
 Ihould make. I can tell you another fcheme alfo, if you do not chufe to 
 have facrifice"^ and vi<ftims, or be at the great expcnce of a prieft; and that 
 is, to takj fome pieces of paper, with the names of all the philofophers up- 
 on them, throw thefe into an urn, and let a young lad, whofe -j- father and 
 mother arc both alive, take the urn, and draw out the firft lot that comes to 
 hand; whoever he is that is thus drawn, let him be your philofophcr. 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 This is all idle raillery, Lycinus, and does not become you ; but pray tell 
 me, do you ever buy any wine ? 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 Very often. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 And did you walk ro'ind to all the vintners in the city, and tafte all the 
 
 wines, and compare them one with another ? 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 Never. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 You were contented, I fuppofe, when you hit on a good fort that was 
 worth your money, to order it home. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 Aye, by Jove, was I. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 From that fingle taftc, you could judge what the reft would turn out ? 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 I could. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 But if you had gone to every one of the vintners, and faid, I want to buy 
 a bottle of wine, let me tafte every one of your pipes, that 1 may know 
 
 * The entrails.'] The divination by entrails, which Liician here fo feverely rallies, was a 
 principal branch of ancient fuperlHtion. If the entrails of the vidim facrificed, particularly the 
 liver, were whole and found, they drew from it omens of certain fuccefs ; if the contrary, no 
 enterprixe was to be proceeded in. Pythagoras the foothfayer foretold that /Uexander would 
 die very fpeedily, becaufe his vidtim's liver had no lobes. 
 
 •j- Whofe father, l^c] This circumftance feems to be inferted, not without humour to ridi- 
 cule the circumflantial nicety generally made ufe of in all fuperftitious rites and ceremonies, 
 particularly ia divination by lots, which Lucian is here endeavouring to turn into ridicule. 
 
 which
 
 358 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 which has the bed liquor: do you think they would not have laughed at 
 
 you ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Certainly : and with fome reafon. 
 
 H E R M O T I M US, ^ 
 
 And it is the fame thing with philofophy. One may know by a little tafle, 
 
 wliat the whole is : why therefore muft we drink a pipe of it ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 You arefuch a fubtle dilputant, that you think you fLall flip through my 
 
 fingers; but here vou have laid a fnare, and uill fall into it yourfelf. 
 
 H E R ]M O T I M U S. 
 How fo ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 By producing wine, which every body is acquainted with, and comparing 
 it with philofophy ; a thing which we know very little of, and which all 
 mankind difpute about. There is not indeed the leafl fimilitude between 
 them ; unlefs, perhaps, that philofophers fell their dodrines as inn- 
 keepers do their wine ; and moreover, frequently adulterate it, and give bad 
 meafure alfo. Buc let us examine your argument ; you fay that all the wine 
 in the cafk is the fame : it may be fo, and withal, that from the tafting but 
 a little of it, we may judge of the whole : I will grant you this alfo; but 
 mark what follows : do the philofophers, your mafler, for inftance, or any 
 of the reft of them, fay always the fame, or talk about the fame things, or 
 do they fay fometimcs one, and fometimes another ; for their arguments 
 are various : were it not fo, you would not have ran after, and attend- 
 ed him fo often, but have been fatisfied with hearing him once. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Certainly. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 How rh?n by the firft tafte could you know every thing? for new things 
 were perpetually pouring in upon you, and it was not, like the wine, always 
 the fame; fo that you could not get well foaked, unlefs you had drank up 
 the whole calk : for the gods fecm to have hid the fummum bonum at the 
 bottom of the vefTel, even under the very lees. You muft fvvallow the laft 
 drop, therefore, or you will never find the draught of nediar which you fo 
 much third after: but you feem to think it of fuch a nature, that if you do 
 but tafte it, you muft inftantly become all wifdom and perfediion. As they 
 
 fay
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 359 
 
 fay of the * prleftefs at Adelphi, when Ihe drinks of the fecond fountain, 
 that fhe is immediately full of the god, and delivers her oracles to all that 
 afk for them : and yet you told me but juft now, that you had drank up half 
 the cafk, and were ftill but as if you had juft began. 
 
 Let us fee then if we cannot furnilli you with a better comparifon. Your 
 cafk and your inn-keeper may remain ; but we will fill your veflels not with 
 wine, but with feveral forts of grain, wheat o' top, then beans, thon bar- 
 ley, under thefe lentilcs, tares, and other things ; if you wanted to buy fome 
 of the feeds, and the owner fhould pull out fome wheat by way of fample, 
 and put it into your hand to look at, could you tell from thence, whether 
 the tares were good, the lentiles fit to eat, or the beans rotten ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Certainly, no. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Neither can you, in like manner, from what any one man calls true phi- 
 lofophy, tell whether it be all fo; for it does not all tafte the fame, like the 
 wine, which you compared it to, but has a great deal of variety in it, and 
 fuch as requires no little, or flight examination. If you buy bad wine, you 
 only lofe a trifle ; but, according to your own account, to wallow in the 
 mire, is a bad affair indeed. Add to this, that he who defires to tafte a 
 whole cafk, that he may buy one bottle, does the inn-keeper a confiderable 
 injury; but, with philofophy, it is quite another thing: drink as much as 
 you pleafe, the ca(k is ftill full, and the landlord never the worfe for it : the 
 more you draw, as the proverb Aiys, the more flows in. Juft the contrary 
 of the J Danaids fieve, for whatever vvas poured into thjt, ran out i:iim-^diite- 
 ly : but here, the more you take away, the more ftill remains behind. 
 
 But I could compare your philofophy to fomething elfe : do not think 
 I mean to affront you, when I fay, it is like hemlock, aconite, or any other 
 poifon : if you take only a fmall portion, with the tip of your finger, and 
 
 * The PricJIefs, ISjc,'] The Pythia, or prleftefs of Delphi, before (he afcended the tripos, ufed 
 to wa(h her whole body, in the Callalia, a fountain at the foot of Parnairus ; and to drink large 
 draughts of the water, which never failed to infpire her, and fhe immediately began to pro- 
 phecy. See Potter's Antiquities. 
 
 X The Dnnaids.'] The punifliment of the Danaids in hell, for killing their hufbands, was to fill 
 a large tub, with holes in the bottom of it, with water, which confequently ran out as faft as 
 poured in. The dolium Danaidum, or Danaids fieve, palled aftenvards into a proverbial 
 expreffion, to fignify any thing impra(rticable. 
 
 tafte
 
 3^0 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 tafte it, it will not hurt you; but, if you are not cautious, how much, in 
 
 what manlier, and in what you take it, woe be to him that fwallows it. Now 
 
 vou affert, that the leaft tafle, will fuffice to judge of the whole. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Be that as it may, is there a neceffity that we muft live a hundred years, 
 
 and fuffer a thoufand troubles and inconveniencies, or give up philofophy ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 We muft : nor can it be otherwife, if, as you * obferved at firft, " life is 
 
 Ihort, and art long;" and yet you feem to be angry, that you cannot, in one 
 
 day, arrive at the wifdom of a Chryfippws, Plato, or Pythagoras. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Lycinus, you do not adt fairly by me, but circumvent and drive me up 
 
 into a corner, merely from envy, I believe, becaufe I have made fome pro- 
 
 grefs in learning; and you, advanced as you are in life, have totally negleft- 
 
 ed it. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 What have you to do then ? trouble yourfelf no more about a madman, 
 
 but let me go my own way, and you go your's : as you have began, fo make 
 
 an end of it. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 But you are fo violent and pofnive, you will not fuffer me to make my 
 choice, before 1 have tried every thing. 
 
 LYCINUS, 
 That is, indeed, what I have always alTerted ; but when you call me pofi- 
 tive and violent, you, as the f poet fays, accufe the guiltlefs, and are j^our- 
 felf the aggrcffor : reafon will tell you much harfher things than any 1 have 
 faid to you, and yet you find fault with me. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 What more can Ihe fay ? I fhould wonder if you had omitted any thing 
 that could be advanced againft me. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 She may ftill deny that all we can do, though we examine ever fo clofely, 
 will fuffice, to make choice of the beft, but that we may ftill want fomething 
 towards it. 
 
 * Aiyou obferved.'] See the quotation from Hippocrates at the beginning of this Dialogue. 
 f The poet Homer .'\ See II. A. v. 653. 
 
 H E R-
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 3^, 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 And what is that ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Judgment, ingenuit}^, acutenefs; a fharp, penetrating, unccrupted un- 
 derftanding, which is indifpenfibly neccflary in forming a dccifive opinion in 
 thefe things, and without which, all our labour will be vain and fruitlefs : 
 there muft be withal, a great deal of time to confider of every thing ; nor 
 mud we regard the age or character of the man, nor his reputed wifdom : 
 we mufl: ad: as the judges of the * Areopagus do, try the caufe by night and 
 in the dark, that we may attend, not to thofe who fpeak, but to that which 
 is fpoken : then, when our choice is fixed and determined, we may be at li- 
 berty to philofophife. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Yes; after death : for, according to you, no man's life is long enough to 
 go through all, examine, choofe, and after the choice is made, to enter on 
 philofophy; and yet this, you fay, is the only method. 
 
 L y C I N u s. 
 
 I am forry, Hermotimus, to add that even all this, may not be fufficlent : 
 
 we may raflily conclude we have difcovered fomething certain, and yet 
 
 have found nothing; like fifhermen, who, feeling fomething heavy in their 
 
 nets, draw them up, imagining that they have got a plentiful draught, 
 
 when, behold, a ftone appears, or an earthen veflel full of fand : fuch, perhaps, 
 
 may be our fare. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 What you mean by your nets, I know not, but you have fairly caught 
 
 me in them. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Get out then as fafl as you can ; for you can fwim, thank heaven, as well 
 as any body. For myfelf, with all I can do, I have not yet difcovered, nor 
 perhaps ever Ihall, whether any of us have yet found out what we are in 
 fearch of, or are all ftill ignorant of it. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Has no body found out the truth then? 
 
 * The JreopagusJ] The great court of judicature at Athens, where we are told they tnrd 
 caufes by aight, for a very ridiculous reafon, which Lucian here alludes to. Juftice Fielding 
 (who has as much fagacity as any of the Greek judges had) does the fame. But this mode ia 
 not from choice, but neceffity ; and will probably foon be adopted in Guild Hall, or the King's 
 Bench. ■ ';.. 
 
 Vol. I. A a a L Y-
 
 362 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 That is flill a doubt : all perhaps may be deceived, and the truth may be 
 different from any thing that has yet come to light. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 How can that be ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 Thus : let us fuppofe a certain number, twenty for inftance ; then, take 
 twenty beans in your hand, clofe it, and afk the men, how many you have 
 got there : one guefles feven, another five, another thirty, another ten or 
 fifteen, and fo on : it may happen that fome body Ihall guefs the right : what 
 fay you ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Moll certainly. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 It may happen, too, that all fhall guefs wrong, and no body tell that you 
 have jufl twenty, 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Jt may fo. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 And fo it is with happinefs ; fome philofophers fay it is one thing, and 
 fome another : one calls it virtue, another pleafure, and another fomething 
 elfe : one of thefe may be the chief good, and yet it may, after all, be fome- 
 thing different from every one of them. We feem, therefore, to be hurry- 
 ing on to the end, before we have found out the beginning: we fliould firft 
 know, that truth had been difcovered by fome one of the philofophers ; and 
 then enquire, which of them we might place our confidence in. 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 So that you think we may go through every philofophy, and yet not find 
 out the truth ; is that your conclufion ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Do not afk me, my friend, but Reafon ; fhe perhaps will anfwer you, that 
 we cannot, whilft it is flill a doubt, whether any thing that has yet been faid 
 
 may be depended on. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 We fhall never then, you think, know any thing, but mufl leave off phi- 
 lofophy, and live the life of fools : as it plainly follows from what y<ou 
 fay, that no mortal man can ever arrive at any perfcd:ion in it. For, firfl, 
 
 you
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. ^6^ 
 
 you expe^: that he fhould choofe out the bed fed: ; a tafk which requites the 
 greateft care and afliduity ; and when at laft we come to reckon the number 
 of years necefTary to the examination of every one, it exceeds all bounds: 
 the bufinefs is lengthened out to feveral generations, and life is gone be- 
 fore truth appears : nay, it is even a doubt with you, whether the truth wajs 
 ever difcovered at all. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 And will you fwear that it ever was ? 
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 That I certainly can not. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Have I not purpofely paffed over many other things, which demand a 
 long, and fevere inveftigation ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 What are they ? 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Did you never meet with Stoics, Epicureans, and Platonifts, who tell 
 you, that they alone know the reafons and firfl principles of all things; and 
 that none but themfelves, however worthy of confidence they may otherwifc 
 be, are in the leaft acquainted with them ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 I have, 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Is it not then a difficult matter to dillinguifh thofe who really do know, 
 from thofe who only pretend to it ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Certainly. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 If, therefore, you want, for inftance, to know who is the befl Stoic, you muft 
 go, if not to all, at leaft to moft of them, to try and examine, before you 
 choofe your mafter; being firft provided with a good dlfcerning faculty of 
 judging, that you may not fix on the worft, inftead of the beft of them. You 
 muft confider, (which I did not mention before, that I might not give you 
 offence,) how much time this will take you up ; and yet, in thefe dark and 
 intricate fubjedls, it is abfolutely neceffary. This is the only chance you 
 have of finding out the truth, and every thing elfe will be ufelefs, without 
 this happy faculty ; which, like a touchftone, will enable you to diftinguilh 
 
 A a a 2 the
 
 364 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 he falfe metal from the true. Without this, believe me, you will be led by 
 the * nofe by every body, muft follow, as the cattle do the bough that is 
 held before you. You will be like water poured on a table, that may bet 
 drawn any way by a finger ; or a reed by the river fide, bending to every blafl. 
 If, therefore, you can meet with a mailer, who himfelf knows, and can 
 teach you the art of demonftration, and how to determine in doubtful cafes, 
 your labour is at an end ; for then, what is good and true, will immediately 
 appear, falfehood will be deteded : you will be able to make choice of the 
 befl philofophy, will acquire that happinefs which you have fo long been in 
 fearch of, and pofTefs every thing that is defirable. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 Now, Lycinus, you fay fomething that gives me hope and comfort ; I will 
 
 inftantly find out a man who Ihall inftrudt me in this noble art of judging 
 
 and diflinguifliing : all that follows will be eafy, free from toil, uncertainty, 
 
 and delay. How much am I obliged to you for fhewing me this beft and 
 
 ihorteft way ! 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 Not fo much, perhaps, as you may imagine. I have pointed out nothing 
 to you as yet, that can bring you nigher to the objed: in view; we are even 
 farther off than ever, or at beft but where we were before, after all our labour. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Indeed ! 3^ou throw me back into forrow and defpair : how can this pof- 
 
 fible be? 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 Becaufe, my friend, though we might find a man, who profefled himfelf 
 acquainted with this art of demonftration, and pretended to teach it to others, 
 v;e could not rely upon him, but muft flill fearch for another, to inform us 
 whether this man fpoke truth or not : and when we had got him, it would 
 ftill be a doubt whether he was a proper judge, and we fhould yet want an- 
 other proof; for, how fhould we tell which was the beft? you fee, therefore, 
 how endlefs the labour is, and that there is nothing certain, or to be depend- 
 ed on. The demonftrations thcmfelves may be called in queftion, and no 
 one point is abfolutely certain. They would perfuade us, that they know 
 
 • Bj the nofc.'] The tranflation here is literal. 
 
 fomc
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 365 
 
 fome things, from their knowledge of other things, which they are not 
 yet agreed about: they put light and darknefs together; compare things 
 which differ widely from each other; and then call it demonflration : prove, 
 for inflance, that becaufe thefe are altars, there mud of neccffity be gods. 
 Thus, running as it were in a circle, they return always to the place they fet 
 out at, and wander ftill in doubt and uncertainty. 
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 How you treat me, Lycinus, by thus reducing all my treafureto a cinder ! 
 my labour, it feems, is vain, and fo many years confumed for nothing. 
 
 LYCINUS. 
 
 It may be fome comfort to you, however, to refledl, that it is not yourfelf 
 alone who has been thus difappointed, but that all the philofophers in the 
 world are fighting, as one may fay, for the * afs's iliadow. For who can 
 go through all ? this, you acknowledge, is impoffible. A man may as well 
 repine, and quarrel with fortune, becaufe he cannot get up into heaven; fink 
 under the waves of the fea in Sicily, and rife up at Cyprus ; or fly from 
 Greece to India : when the caufe of his grief, is only becaufe he flattered him- 
 felf with the hopes of all this; or dreamed of it, or fancied it in his own 
 mind : not confidering beforehand, whether his hopes were fixed on what 
 was attainable, or agreeable to the condition of human nature. Reafon, my 
 friend, has waked you out of your pleafing dream, and now you are angry 
 with her : the vifion is fo delightful, that you are loath to open your ey^s. 
 And this is the cafe with all thofe, who form in their own imaginations an 
 ifland of the bleft ; whilfl they are digging up hidden riches, and enjoying 
 kingdoms; for the goddefs Hope is moft magnificent in herprefents; and 
 never contradids her votaries, though they wjfli ro be as big as ColofTus, to 
 fly in the air, or to find mountains of gold : if, whilft they are dreamino- of 
 
 * T/je afs'sJIjad(Hv.] Demofthenes was one day haranguing the fenate, who would not fuffer 
 him to go on, when he told them the following ftory : Two men, faid he, were travelling to- 
 gether, one purchafed of the other an afs ; they jogged on, the heat of" the weather was intenfe ; 
 the afs's body threw a Ihade on the ground, they wanted both to lye down under it ; on this a 
 quarrel enfued: the man who had fold the heart, faid, he did not fell thefhade; the other infifted 
 that he purchafed every thing the afs could give, and confequently the fliade of it. Here Dc- 
 morthenes flopped : the hearers defired to know the ilfue of the difpute; and how it was deter- 
 mined. You are mighty eager, faid Demofthenes, to hear any thing about the fliade of an afs 
 andyetwillnotliftento mewhen I am to fpeak on the important concerns of the commonwealth. 
 
 The afs's fliadow became afterwards a proverbial exprcffion, to fignify, like the lana caprina» 
 ;iny difpute about trifles. See Plutarch. 
 
 thefe
 
 556 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 thefe things, one of their little lacquies fhould afk them how they are to pro- 
 cure the necefiaries of life, or pay the rent for their houfe which has been 
 long due ; they grow angry, as if the afker had deprived them, by the queftion, 
 of all their promifed happinefs, and it is a chance if they do not bite his nofe 
 off for ir. Be not you, therefore, my good friend, in like manner enraged 
 at me, if, whilft you are flying in the air, digging up treafures, or encou- 
 raging vain and idle fancies, and hoping for things which can never be ob- 
 tained ; I, out of friendfliip and regard, fuffer you not to remain all your life 
 in a dream, how fweet foever ic is, but force you to rife up, and go about 
 thofe neceffary works that are agreeable to nature, and to reafon. What 
 you were lately upon, was every whit as abfurd as Hippocentaurs, Gor- 
 gons, and chimeras : any of thofe things that poets and painters have feigned, 
 which never were, or could be ; and yet the multitude believe in them, and 
 fee them, only becaufe they are ilrange, improbable, and ridiculous. Thus 
 you, Hermotimus, becaufe you had heard from fome idle fabulift, that there 
 was a certain beauteous form, fuperior to every thing elfe in nature, excelling 
 the Graces and celeftial Venus ; not confidering whether it was true, or if 
 any fuch beauty exifted, immediately fell in love with her: as they fay Me- 
 dea did with Jafon in a dream. But what mifled you, and all thofe who fell 
 in love with the fame empty fhade, was, if I miftake not, that he who re- 
 commended her to you, as foon as he found that you implicitly believed him, 
 went on with fuccefs, and made his whole defcription fo coherent, that he 
 eafily conduced you to your beloved : none of you, in the mean time, en- 
 quired, whether j'ou were going the right way or not : or, if your guides had 
 not mifled you, but followed the fleps of him that went before, as flieep do 
 thofe of their leader : when you ought, before you entered the path, to have 
 confidered, whether you (hould (trike into it at all. 
 
 But, perhaps, you may underftand the argument better by a (imilitude. 
 Suppofe, for inilance, one of your adventurous poets fliould tell you of a 
 man who had three heads and fix hands; if you fwallow this, without con- 
 fidering whether it is poffible or not, he immediately goes on to inform you 
 that this man had likewife fix eyes, and as many ears, that he fpoke with 
 three voices at a time, eat his food with three mouths, that inftead of 
 ten fingers, as we have, he had thirty ; if he made a warrior of him, he 
 would put into three of his hands a target, a bafket-hilt, and a Ihield, and 
 into the other three an axe, a launce, and a fword : and who could deny 
 
 the
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 367 
 
 the truth of all this ? it is agreeable to what was firft granted, though it 
 Ihould certainly have been confidered before, * whether it ought to have 
 been granted, or not : if you give up that, the reft follows of courfe, and 
 ynu cannot refufe your affent, when it correfponds fo well with the promifes 
 admitted. And thus it is with you ; from ftrong prepofieffion, when you 
 have got into the path, without confidering whether it be the right one, you 
 are drawn into the confequence, true or falfe. If any body tells you that 
 twice five make feven, and you believe it without counting, he will foon 
 pcrfuade you that four times five is fourteen, or any thing elfe , juft as it is 
 in the wonderful fcience of geometry, where they lay down certain abfurd 
 poftulata, which muft be granted, fuch as individual points and lines with- 
 out latitude, pretending, on fuch rotten foundations, to build demonftra- 
 tion, and to deduce true conclufions from falfe principles : in like manner 
 you alfo, taking for granted the principles of fome particular fed:, believe 
 every thing that follows from them, and embrace falfehood inftead of 
 truth. Some of you die in the midft of their hopes, and before they have 
 found out that they were impofed on ; others difcover the deceit in their old 
 age, but are afhamed to acknowlege it, or to confefs that, at their time of 
 life, they have been employed in fuch childifii trifles : they continue, there- 
 fore, in the fame error, cry up what is before them, and exhort others tc^ 
 embrace it, that they may not be the only dupes, but comfort themfelves 
 with the thought, that thoufands are in the fame condition ; if they confefs 
 the truth, they plainly perceive that they will not appear to be fuch grave 
 and refpeftable charaders, exalted above the vulgar, or meet with fuch de- 
 ference and efteem as they ufcd to do : they will never, wi'.lingly, acknow- 
 lege their ignorance, or that they are like the multitude. You will find very 
 few, indeed, that have courage enough to own that they have been deceived, 
 or who will difluade others from treading in the fame path : if you light on 
 fuch a man, call him, as he is, the friend of truth, fober, juft, or, if you 
 pleafe, a phllofopher, for he alone deferves that name; all bcfide, either 
 know nothing of the truth, though they pretend to it, or conceal their ig- 
 
 * Whether it o«glt.'\ This puts us in mind of the queftion propofcd by Charles the Second, 
 of facetious memory, to the Royal Society : If a tub or veffel be filled quite, or bnm full, 
 with water, and a large filh be thrown into it-Qu^re, why does not the water run over— It is 
 fomewhere, if I am not milbken, related, that the Society puzzled themfekes a long time 
 about the folutlon of this roiracalous circumftance.— Never reflec'ting whether the fa^St was true 
 
 ornot. 
 
 norancc
 
 36S H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 norance through fear and fname, and becaufe they vvifli to be thought fupe- 
 rior to the reft of mankind. But let us bury in total oblivion every thing 
 that has paffed between us on this fubje£t ; let us fuppofe that the Stoic 
 philofophy is the only true one, and that there is none befides it worthy of 
 our care; let us then confider whether it be fuch a one as we may hope to 
 attain^ or whether all who hitherto attempted it have laboured in vain. I 
 hear of wonderful things promifcd to thofe wlio arrive at the fummit of it, 
 and that they alone poffefs every thing good and defireable ; but you beft 
 know whether you have ever lit on fuch a perfed: Stoic, as was never fub' 
 dued by pain, or mifled by pleafure, or enllaved by paffion ; one who was 
 fuperior to envy, a contemner of riches -, one vvho, in a word, w^as complete- 
 ly happy, as he muft be, vvho is the rule and model of perfedt virtue ; for 
 he who is deficient in the leafl: of thefc, is imperfeft, however excellent he 
 may be with regard to any thing elfe j if not, there never yet was the truly 
 happy and complete Stoic. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 Such a one, I muft own, I never yet have feen. 
 
 L Y C I N U S- 
 
 You arc right, Hermotimus, to confefs the truth. How then can you any 
 longer purfue philofophy, when you plainly perceive, that neither your 
 mafter, nor your maftcr's mafter, nor any that went before him, though you 
 go back to the tenth generation, was ever fo wife as to be perfedtly happy : 
 nor will it fufHce to fay, it is enough if you can approach nearly towards hap- 
 pinefs : this is doing nothing ; for he is equally a ftranger, and in the open 
 air, who ftands on the outfide of the door, be he ever fo near, as he who 
 ftands at a great diftance from it, with this only difference, that he who is 
 neareft muft be moft unhappy, in being clofe to that felicity which he can- 
 not poffefs. Do you put yourfelf to all this trouble, therefore, only to get 
 near to perfed happinefs ? for fuch we will fuppofe it to be ; is it for this 
 alone you fpend fo much time, wear yourfelf out with watchings, and bring 
 yourfelf to the grave ? For this, you fay, you will labour for thefe twenty 
 years at leaft to come, that, after all, at fourfcore, (and who can promife 
 you will live fo long ?) you may be one of thofe who are not yet happy ; 
 unlefs, indeed, you think that you alone are able to gain that, which fo 
 many better and abler men before you, with all their toil and labour, could 
 never acquire. But, even taking all this for granted, "where is the good re- 
 
 fulting
 
 H E R M O T I M U S. 369 
 
 fulting from it that deferves fo much toll and trouble? How little time is 
 left for enjoyment, when you are grown old and no longer able to relifli fuch 
 pleafures, with one foot, as they fay, in the * grave ! unlefs, indeed, you 
 are looking forward to another life, and are learning here how to live better 
 in it; which is much the fame as if a man (houlJ prepare to fet out a good 
 fupper, and, in the mean time perilh with hunger. You feem to have for- 
 got that virtue confifts in good works, in acting with juftice, wifdom, and 
 fortitude. But you (by you I mean all your eminent philofophers), fpend 
 your time in idle words, difputes, and fyllc-gifms ; in thefe you throw away 
 the greatefl: part of your lives, and elleem him who excels in them as the 
 nobleftofall conquerors. For this reafon, I fuppofe, you admire your old 
 mafler, becaufe he can raife doubts and fcruples, know how to afk a fubtle 
 queflion, to make ufe of frauds and quirks, and how to hamper his opponent 
 with infuperable difficulties : lb bufy about the bark, that you neglecfl the 
 fruit, and divert yourfelves with throwing the leaves at one another : do you 
 do any thing elfe from morning to night ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 To fay the truth, no. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 Is it not, then, juftly faid of you, that you leave the fubftance to catch 
 
 at the fhadow, the body of the ferpent for the ikin only, or rather that you 
 
 are like a man pouring water into a mortar, and beating it with an iron 
 
 peftle, thinking all the time he is doing a great and neceflary work, not 
 
 knowing that though, as they fay, he beat his heart out, the water will be 
 
 water flill. But let me afk you one queftion ; would you wilh to refemble 
 
 your mafler in any thing, his learning excepted ? to be, like him, a paflion- 
 
 ate, fordid, and litigious voluptuary ? for fo, by Jupiter, he is, though the 
 
 world in general do not know it. 
 
 H E R M O T I I\I U S. 
 
 Some there are, certainly, who do nor. 
 
 L y C I N u s. 
 
 Shall I tell you what I heard of a certain old philofopher, whofe houfe is 
 
 much frequented by our youth for inftrudlion : he flew into a violent paffion, 
 
 the other day, with one of his pupils, for not paying him his falary, which 
 
 had been due fixteen days before, when the lad's uncle, who flood by, a 
 
 • T/?cgravf.] A literal tranilatloii. 
 Vol. I, B b b plain
 
 sv 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 
 plain countryman, who knew nothing of 3^our fine philofophy, cried out. 
 Pray, wonderful Sir, complain not of any injury done you, becaufe we 
 have not paid you for a few empty words ; what you fold us you have yet 
 in your own poffeffion, and are juft as learned as you were before ; but with 
 regard to what we fent him to you for, he is not at all improved ; for he 
 debauched my neighbour Echecrates's daughter, and would have fuffered 
 for the rape, but that the father was poor, and I bought him off with a 
 talent of good gold : and not long fince he beat his mother, who had caught 
 him hiding a cafic of wine under his coat, which he was going to carry off 
 to his jovial club ; add, to this, that, in impudence, lying, and quarrelling, 
 he is a much greater proficient than he was a twelve month ago. I had 
 much rather you would have prevented all this, than have taught him to 
 inform us every night at fupper, how a * crocodile feized a child, and pro- 
 mifed to give him back again, when his father Ihould anfwer fome certain 
 queftion, about I know not what ; or to tell us, that if it was day it could 
 not poffibly be night : fometimes he introduces his horns, and perplexes us 
 all ; meditates gravely on his habits, relations, ideas, conceptions, and fuch 
 fluff, which we laugh at : fometimes he will tell us that god is not in heaven, 
 but that he paffes through, and is f inherent in wood, flone, animals, and 
 things the mod trifling and contemptible. When his mother alks him how 
 lie can throw away his time in fuch nonfenfe, he tells her, if he can but learn 
 thefe things he fliall be rich, happy, and a king, and all mankind, befides, 
 nothing but his flaves and vaflals. 
 
 Thus fpake the countryman ; and now mark what an old woman's anfwer 
 the philofopher returned to him. Do not you think, faid he, if the young 
 man had not been under my care, that he would have done fomething much 
 worfe, fomething, perhaps, which he might have been hanged for? But 
 philofophy reflrained him, moderated his paflions, and he is, at leafl, to- 
 lerable : he is afliamcd of doing any thing mifl^ecoming the great fcience I 
 have taught him ; if, therefore, I do not deferve any reward for making 
 him better, you are at leafl indebted to me for what my philofophy has 
 prevented his being guilty of : as nurfes fend children to fchool, where, if 
 they learn nothing, they are at leafl out of harm's way : as to every thing 
 
 • J crocciUlc.'] This has been explained before. 
 -^ Inherent, il'c.] The fyftem of the famous French philofopher, Malbranche, feems to be 
 founded on this idea. See an account of Malbranche, in Bayle's DicStionary.
 
 HER M O T I M U S. 37, 
 
 elfe, I have fulfilled my duty, and, if you will come to me to-morrow 
 morning, you fhall fee how he can afk queflions and anfwer them, how 
 many things he has learned, and how many books he has read, about 
 axioms, and fyllogifms, and comprehenfions, and duties, and a thoufand 
 other things. If he beat his mother, and debauched a girl, what is that to 
 me ? I am not his tutor. 
 
 Thus did the old man talk about philofophy ; and you, I fuppofc, will 
 tell us, that all we are to expect from this nobie fcience is, that we Ihall be 
 never the worfe for it : is it really fo, my friend, or had we formed better 
 hopes from it ; did we not expedt to become a little better than idiots by 
 it ? What fay you to this ? 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 I can only fay, my friend, that I am ready to cry when I think what a 
 fool I have been, fo throughly am 1 at lad convinced by fenfe and reafon ; I 
 lament my folly, in throwing away fo much time to no purpofe. I am 
 like a man juft recovered from a fit of drunkennefs, I fee, with fhame, 
 what I have been fo long in love with, and how much I have fuffered for it. 
 
 L Y C I N U S. 
 
 There is no reafon, however, to cry about it,- i^fop's advice, in one of 
 his fables, is, I think, a moft excellent one : he tells us of a man, who was 
 fitting on the Ihore, near a tempefluous fea, and numbering the waves; but 
 finding himfelf puzzled in the calculation, he was horribly fretted and vex- 
 ed about it i when a fox, {landing by, faid to him, Why, my friend, will 
 you give yourfelf fo much uneafinefs about what is paft ? think no more 
 of the waves that are gone, but begin and number thofe before you. 
 Do you, therefore, fince you are convinced of your error, for the fu- 
 ture be content to live like other men, be a good common citizen, aid 
 aim at nothing great or fingular; if you are wife, do not be afiiamcd, old as 
 you are, of changing for the better. 
 
 Do not imagine, my good friend, whatever I may have faid, that I had 
 any enmity againll the Portico, or meant to aflfront the Stoics in particu- 
 lar ; my argument holds, equall}', againll every fedl, and I ihculd have 
 faid the very fame thing, if you had been a Platonift, or an Ariftotelian. 
 
 HERMOTIMUS. 
 I believe you ; and Ihall immediately change my whole appearance : you 
 ihall fee me no more with a long rough beard, refufing myfelf proper food 
 
 B b b 2 and
 
 ^^2 H E R M O T I M U S. 
 
 and nourilhment, but adting on an eafier and more liberal plan. I may even, 
 perhaps, put on purple, to fhew the world I have done with all thefe trifles. 
 I wifh I could as eafily get rid of all I have learned : if I could caft 
 it all up, I would gladly fwallow a dofe of hellebore (for a ditFerent reafon 
 than * Chryfippus did it), to prevent any of their fluff from rifing in my 
 mind for the future. I am infinitely obliged to you, Lycinus, for fnatch- 
 ing me out of the waves, when I was almoft overwhelmed by them, and 
 when I was carried down by the torrent, defcending, like a propitious 
 deity, in your car, at the end of the tragedy, to fave me. Recovered, as 
 I have been, I fliould celebrate this day as a feftival, and ^ fliave my head, 
 like thofe who efcape a fliip-wreck ; and as for philofophers, from this time 
 forth, if, againft my will, I chance to meet one in the flreet, I fhall turn 
 afide, and avoid him as I would a mad dog. 
 
 '^ Chiyjtptus.'] When Chryfippus, we are told, was to difpute with Carneades, about fomc 
 important points, he took a dofe of hellebore to clear his head, 
 f Shave my head.^ This cuftom is mentioned before. 
 
 H A R-
 
 HARMONIDES. 
 
 ^his little Piece of Luci an's carries with it the Appearance of a Letter addrejfed 
 to feme very great Man, probably the prime Minijier of Macedonia, zvhofe Fa- 
 vour he was ambitious to obtain, as the certain Road to Honour and Preferment. 
 A Vein of Panegyric and Flattery, not often to be met with in this Author^ runs 
 through it, which feems in feme Meafure to call in ^eftion the genuinenefe of it. 
 
 ■ My Readers will determine for themfelves, with regard to its Authenticity. 
 
 H 
 
 ARMONIDES thus fpake, of old, to his mafter, * Timotheus ; " in- 
 form me, if poffible (faid he), how I may become famous amongft 
 men, and known throughout all Greece; greatly, 1 muft acknowlege, am 
 I already indebted to you, who have taught me to tune the flute well, to 
 blow it fweetly and harmonioufly, to place my fingers properly, to keep 
 time, to perceive the charadier of every + mode, the divine breathing of the 
 Phrygian, the folemn gravity of the Doric, the foftnefs and beauty of the 
 Ionic; all this I learned from you ; but I am not yet arrived at that perfec- 
 tion, which I was ambitious of, in finging to it, which would .procure me 
 fame and glory, which would render me fo illuftrious, that men fhould point 
 at me as I pafs along, and fay, there goes Harmoiidcs, the prince of mufi- 
 cians; in the fame manner as when you came firft from Baeotiii, performed 
 in the :i: Pandionides, and gained the victory in Ajax, your name-fake hav- 
 
 * Timotheus.-] One of the moft celebrated poets and muficlans of antiqiuty. He was born at 
 Miletus, an Ionian city of Carla, 446 years betore Chriit, a conten.porary or Ph.hp or Macedon, 
 and according to Dryden's Ode, of Alexander alfo. excelled in lync and duhyran.bic poetry, 
 and'no lefs in his performance on the clthara. According to Paufanias, he added tour nevv 
 "in" tolhat inftrument, which before had only feven, for which he was ban.ihed by v.tue o - 
 a curious Spartan adl of parliament, quoted, from Caufabon, by Dr. Burney, m h>s hiRory of 
 Greek Mufic, and which 1 n^all here fubjoin. for the entertamment ot my readers. 
 
 - Whereal Timotheus the Milefian, coming to our city, has din.onoured our ancient mufic, 
 and defpiling the lyre of feven firings, has, by the introduction ot a greater variety ot notes, 
 cor up ed the ears of our youth, and, by the number of his llrmgs, gu-en toourm.fican 
 XmLatedrefs the kings, and the ephori, have therefore refohed to pafs cenfure on h.m, 
 fnrnilgrhlm to cut off his foperfluous firings, and to banifh hin. from our cuy, that men. 
 may be warned, &c." See Burney, vol. 1. page 407. 
 
 \ MoJr] For a full and accurate account of the modes, I mua refer the cur.ous reader to= 
 Burnev's DifTertation on the Mufic of the Ai^lents, vol. 1. page 4:^. ^ 
 
 ; Pandlonuks:] Some tragedy of that name, not now e.tant, onthe fiory of Progne and i ni> 
 lomcla, daunhters of t'andion.
 
 374 H A R M O N I D E S. 
 
 ing compofed the mufic : what tongue did not then refound with the praifes 
 of Timotheus the Theban ! and even to this daj^, wherever you appear, the 
 people flock round you, as all the feathered race do round the bird of 
 night. It was this that animated me to the ftudy of the flute, and for which 
 alone I have taken fo much pains ; nor would I wifh to excel in it, were I 
 to remain inglorious and unknown, even though I had the Ikill of a * Mar- 
 fyas, or Olympus, f Hidden talents, as the proverb fays, are of no value : 
 teach me, therefore, how I may diftinguifli myfelf, and my art aUb, fo 
 fhall I be doubly obliged to you, both for my /kill in mufic, and the glory 
 which I fhall acquire by it. 
 
 To this Timotheus thus replied. '* Your ambition, Harmonides, is 
 noble ; to acquire honour and glory, and be diftinguifhed amongft men, is 
 no mean or inconfiderable reward ; this you are defirous to obtain, by ap- 
 pearing in public, and difplaying your abilities before the multitude : but 
 even by doing this you will not be univerfally known ; for where will you 
 find a theatre to perform in, large enough to contain all Greece : the only 
 method by which you can ever gain the defired end is, in my opinion, this ; 
 fhew yourfelf fometimes on the public ilage, but depend not on the multi- 
 tude ; there is a fhorter, and an eafier way to glory ; chufe out the befl and 
 noblefl of the Grecians, the wife few, who are acknowleged judges, and on 
 whom you may rely, if they admire and praife you, you will foon be known 
 to all the world befides : for if thofe, whom all commend, commend you, 
 what occafion will you have for the approbation of the vulgar, who al'.vays 
 follow thofe that can decide better than themfelves ? The multitude is com- 
 pofed of low and ignorant artificers, thofe whom the great praife, they will 
 praife alfo. In the public gam,es, the fpedtators, we know, clap and hifs, 
 but it is only four or five who judge and determine.'* 
 
 Such was the advice of Timotheus, but Harmonides lived not to profit 
 by it; for the firft time he contended in public, exerting himfelf too flrenu- 
 oufly, from an ardent defire of fuccefs, he breathed his laft, we are told, 
 upon the intlrument, and, without gaining the crown of victory, died on 
 the fpot. 
 
 * Mar/yas.] Plato tells us that ue arc Indebted to Marfyas and Olympus for wind- mufic. 
 To them is likewife attributed the invention of the Phrygian and Lydian meafure. Marfyas is 
 alfo faid, by fome, to have been the inventor of the double flute, though others give it to his 
 father Hyagius. For a farther account of thefe eminent muficians, fee Barney's Differtation. 
 f Hidden talents.'] Tu licet et Thamyram fuperes atque Orphea cantu, 
 
 Non erit ignose gratia magna lyrae. Ov. Art. Amand. 
 
 The
 
 H A R M O N I D E S. 375 
 
 The advice of Timotheus, in this fpeech, in my opinion, not only fuits 
 Harmonides, but may be applied to all thofe who pant for glory, and po- 
 pular applaufe ; as I had the fame ambition, therefore, I was refolved to 
 follow it, and for that purpofe confidered with myfelf who was the greateft 
 man in this city, whofe judgement others would rely on, and on whom alone 
 I might fafely depend, when you occurred to me as the proper perfon ; one 
 in whom all virtues are united, the rule, as it were, and ftandard of per- 
 feftion. If you had fcen my works, and praifed them (and much I wifh 
 you had), I Ihould have gained the defired end of all my labours, and, bv 
 your favour alone, acquired the approbation of all. To have preferred any 
 other fufFrage to your's, would have been unpardonable folly : to one alone 
 I would truft my caufe, which would be the fame as if I had Ihevvn myfelf 
 to all mankind ; for you are of more confequence than all : the kings of 
 Sparta had two voices, and every body elfe but one ; but you unite in your- 
 felf the power of the ephori, and of the fenate alfo. In learning, indeed, 
 you ought always to prefide and diredr, becaufe you are always candid and 
 judicious, and therefore it is, that, alarmed as 1 am at the difficulty of my 
 undertaking, I repofe full confidence in you ; and the rather, as 1 think you 
 will be favourable to me, becaufe I belong to the fame city, which you 
 have yourfelf been fo great an ornament to, both in your public and private 
 capacity; if the majority of votes Ihould chance to be againft me, you, and 
 the few fuch as you, may yet prevail, make up the deficiency, and, as you 
 always do correct every thing that is amifs, fet all to rights again. It will 
 not fatisfy my ambition that 1 have been formerly admired, that I am al- 
 ready celebrated, and that men praife my eloquence ; I prize all this as 
 fliadows, and mere nothing, in comparifon with your applaufe, which is the 
 great end of all : I would have no doubts or uncertainty about my merit, 
 but be pronounced at once the beft of all men : — but bc'bre I enter the 
 lifts, in fuch a noble conteil, fliall I not hope for fome propitious omen ? 
 Confirm it, gracious gods, and give your fandtion to the praife i have receiv- 
 cd, that hereafter 1 may appear with confidence. He need not fear to Hand 
 on any ground, who has conquered at Olympia. 
 
 H E R 0«
 
 HERODOTUS, 
 
 O R 
 
 ^ T I O N. 
 
 ^hts little Piece feems imperfeB, being only a Kind of Prooeniium, or Preface, to a 
 long Speech, fuppofed to have been Jpoken by Lucian, before a large Affembly in. 
 Macedonia, when he travelled through Greece. His Account <?/^tion*s Figure 
 is curious, and gives us a favourable Opinion of the State of the polite Arts in his 
 'Time. The Speech both begins and ends abruptly, 
 
 WOULD to heaven I could imitate Herodotus ! I will not fay in every 
 thing, for that is beyond my hopes, but even in one of his perfec- 
 tions i either the beauty of his didtion, the harmony of his periods, the 
 native fweetnefs of his Ionic dialedl, the richnefs of his fentiments, or any 
 other of thofe numberlefs and inimitable graces, which he is mafter of: the 
 manner, indeed, in which he made himfelf and his hiftory known, may 
 eafily be followed : for, when he failed from Caria into Greece, he con- 
 sidered within himfelf how he might moft expeditioufly, and with the leaft 
 trouble, render himfelf and his writings moft confpicuous ; to go round to the 
 Athenians, Corinthians, Argives, and Lacedemonians, one after another, 
 he rightly judged would have been a laborious, and a tedious tafk : he 
 thought it a wrong method to divide his work into fo many little parts, to 
 make himfelf known amongfl: men, and bent his thoughts towards fome 
 method of finding all Greece affembled together, when the great Olympic 
 gam.es began, and the hiftorian, feizing on this favourable opportunity, the 
 circumftance which he had long wiflied for, the council and nobles all met, 
 came into the lower part of the temple, and produced himfelf before them, 
 not as a fpectator, but a candidate in the lifls, there repeated his hiftory, 
 and fo charmed every hearer, that his nine books were honoured with the 
 names of the nine Mufes. 
 
 From this time he was better known than all the conquerors there, every 
 body repeated the name of Herodotus; many had themfelves heard him at 
 the great affembly, and as many had been told of him by others : they dif- 
 
 tinguifhed
 
 HERODOTUS. 377 
 
 tinguilhed him, they pointed hiin out, and cried, * that is he, that is He- 
 rodotus, who wrote our battles with the Perfians, in the Ionic diale(ft, and 
 celebrated our vidorics in his divine fongs. Thus did he reap the fruits of 
 his conquefl, the univerfal fulfrage of admiring Greece, and his triumph was 
 adorned, not by one herald, but by every city whofe inhabitants had been 
 eye-witneflesof that magnificent fpedaclc. In this, nearcft path to fame 
 and honour, he was afterwards followed by Kippias theSophift, Prodicus, 
 Anaximenes, Polus of Agrigentum, and many others, who repeated their 
 works before the general affembly, and became, in a flicrttimc, univerfally 
 celebrated and admired. 
 
 But why need I mention ancient orators, fophlfts, and hiflorlans, when 
 a recent example is before us, of ^^tion the painter, who fo lately produced 
 his pidure of Alexander and Roxana, at the fame place, and with fuch fuc- 
 cefs, that Proxenidas, the chief judge, was fo charmed with it, that he 
 gave him his daughter in marriage. 
 
 You will naturally afk what there could be fo extraordinary in this pidhire, 
 as to induce the judge to take ^tion, who was a flranger, for his fon in 
 law : it is now in Italy, where I have feen, and am, therefore, able to give 
 you a full defcription of it. 
 
 The -|" fcene is a handfome inner chamber, with a nuptial bed in it, oa 
 which Roxana, a mod beautiful virgin, is reclining, wath her eyes fixed on 
 the ground, as afhamed of looking up to Alexander, who ftands by her. 
 She is attended by feveral fmiling Cupids, one of whom is behind, lifting up 
 her veil, and difcovering her beauties to the bridegroom ; whilft another, in^ 
 the charader of a flavc, pulls off her flipper, that Ihe may lie down; an- 
 other lays hold on Alexander's robe, and feems drawing him, with all his 
 Hrength, towards the bride : he has a garland in his hand, which he offers 
 her ; Heph^ftion ftands clofe to him, with a torch in his hand, and leaning 
 
 * T/jis is he.'] Ovrti ty.finj, et dicier — HIc eft. Juv. 
 
 t Thefccne is, t^c] The pidlure here fo accurately defcribed by Lucian, had undoubtedly 
 no inconfiderable (hare of merit; a better proof of this cannot be given, than that the immortal 
 Raphael was fo ftruck with it, as to paint one on the fame fubject, wherein he adheres clofelv 
 in every part to Lucian's defcription, except that our author lays his fcene in the inner chamber 
 of ahoufe, and Raphael in a camp. Raphael's picture made part of the furniture of his own 
 bed-chamber, and is now at his villa near Rome ; there are prints from it, engraved by, and 
 may be found in Hamilton's Collection of the Italian School. The French painter, Covpel, 
 likewife employed his pencil on this ftory, which he has treated nearly in the fame manner : 
 his print is reckoned a very good one. 
 
 Vol. I. C c c oa
 
 5 8 HERODOTUS. 
 
 on a beautiful youth, whom I take to be Hymen, though there is no namfe 
 infcribed over him ; in another part of the pifture are a number of Cupids, 
 fporting with Alexander's armour, two of them, like porters, fweating un- 
 der a burthen, carrying his fpear, with two more at a little diftance, one 
 lying upon his fhield, and borne, like a king in triumph, by feveraj, who 
 take hold of the handles of it, w^hilft the other gets into his coat of mail, 
 and conceals himfelf, as if with a defign to frighten the reft if they come 
 that way : nor are thefe fports without defign, as the artift meant by them 
 to point out the hero's paffion for war, and to (hew that, how much foever 
 he might be in love with Roxana, he had not forgot his arms. The pid:ure, 
 it may be obferved, had fomething nuptial in it, which might recommend 
 JEuon to the daughter of Proxenidas, as the marriage of Alexander was 
 a type of his own, and the hero, whofe wedding was reprcfented, a kind of 
 bridefman to the painter, who went away equally happy, 
 
 Herodotus, (to return to him,) fung the vidories of Greece before the 
 Olympic judges, and acquired immortal honour; far be it from me to com- 
 pare myfelf to that great writer, though, in one thing, there feems to be a 
 limilarity between us; when I firft came into Macedonia, I confidered withia 
 myfelf in what manner 1 Ihould acft ; I wifhed to make myfelf known to 
 every one, but to go round to every city was a difficult talk : I thought it 
 beft, therefore, to come before your great affembly, and addrefs myfelf to 
 you, the flower of all Macedonia ; not from lanes, or corners, not from 
 Pifa itfelf, but from a nobler city ; not the dregs of the populace, not a 
 croud gathered to a fpe<ftacle, and liftening to an Herodotus ; but to a com- 
 pany of orators, hiflarlans, and fophifts of the firft rank; far fuperior to 
 any thing at the Olympic games. I cannot compare myfelf to a Glaucus, a 
 Milo, or Polydamas, that would be vain-glorious ; and yet if you confider 
 me feparately, and as a candidate in my own profeffion, I fhall,- I flattet 
 myfelf, be intituled to your cfteem and approbation. 
 
 THE
 
 THE 
 
 ' H I A N. 
 
 Tbisfcems to have been an Oration ^ or, perhaps ^ only Part of one, fpoken by Lu- 
 ciAN, before fome popular Jfembly at Athens, probably before he had dijlingui/ljed 
 himfelfas a Writer. As a Foreigner, he endeavours to recommend himfelf to the 
 Athenians, and to conciliate the public Favour. The Comparifon, which he draws 
 betzveen Anacharfis and himfelf, though it favours rather too much of authorial 
 Vanity, is ingenious, and his artful Addrefs to two leading Men, tozvards the End 
 of the Bifcourfe, fhews a Knozvlege of Mankind, which, we may fuppnfe, was of 
 no little Service to him, 
 
 ANACHARSIS was not the firft who came out of Scythla to learn the 
 arts of Greece; for before him Toxaris, a man of great wifdom and 
 knowlege, and one who had a tafte for truth and beauty, travelled thither : 
 he was not of royal or noble race, but a plebeian of that country, one of 
 thofe whom they call * Odtipedes, which fignifies mafter of two oxen, and 
 one waggon; he never returned to Scythia, but died at Athens; foon after 
 which he was ranked amongft the heroes ; and the Athenians, to this day, 
 offer up an annual facrifice to him, under the title of the foreign phyficlan : 
 how he came by this appellation, and why he was thus honoured as a fon of 
 ^fculapius, it may not be amifs to inform you, that you may learn it is not 
 the Scythians alone who beflow immortality, and fend melTengers to -j- Za- 
 molxis, but that the Athenians alfo deify their Scythian heroes. 
 
 During the time of the great % plague, the wife of Architeles, the Areo- 
 
 '^ 0^'ipeclcs.'\ Eight-footed. — Becaufe they were raafters, or owners, of two oxen. Small 
 farmers to be fure. 
 
 •j- Zafnolxis.'] The great deity of the Scythians; who believed that if they lived a good life, 
 they fliould meet him in the regions of the blefled. Every five years this barbarous people fent 
 what they called a meflenger to him; the manner of which was no lefs fingular than cruel : 
 when they had fixed on the perfon to be immortalized, they drew out three pikes, or javelins, 
 and threw the man up into the air, if he had the good fortune to fall upon one of the javelins, 
 and be killed by it, they looked upon it as a propitious omen, and that Zamolxis accepted the 
 viftim, and would favour them in every undertaking; if he did not die with the wounds, thev 
 confidered him as a rafcal, and tried the experiment on fome other peifon. This ftory is told 
 by Herodotus. 
 
 % Plague.'] In the rime of the Peloponnefian war. As related by Thucydides. 
 
 C c c 2 pagjte.
 
 38o The SCYTHIAN. 
 
 paglte, faw, in the middle of the night, the figure of Toxaris flanding by 
 her and commanding her to tell the Athenians, that the peftilence would 
 ceafe, if they fprinkled the flreets of the city with wine ; by repeating this 
 (for the Athenians followed the advice), whether it was that the fmell arif- 
 ino- from the wine difpelled the noxious vapours, or that Toxaris, who was 
 a Ikilf'u phyfician, made ufe of any other means, the plague was flayed; in 
 con'ideration of this, a white horfe is annually facrificed at his tomb, on the 
 fpot where Dimaenete wns fuppofed to have feen him, when he prefcribed the 
 remedy, and whert^ Toxaris was buried, with an infcription, at prefent fcarce 
 Je^ibile. There was likewife a fmall pillar, with a figure of Toxaris, who held 
 an out-flretched bow in his right hand, and in his left a book, both which 
 are flill to be feen, though one half of the monument, and the face of the 
 man are deftroyed by time. Not far from the double gate, and on the left, 
 as you go to the Academy, you will find the little tomb, and part of the 
 pillar lying on the ground ; it is always crowned with garlands, and * feve- 
 ral perfons, it is faid, by reforting to it, have been cured of fevers : nor is 
 this improbable ; as Toxaris formerly preferved the whole city. 
 
 It was during the life of Toxaris (and this is the reafon why I mentioned 
 him) that Anacharfis came into Greece ; and when he landed at the Piraeus, 
 being a barbarian, and an utter ftranger to the country, ignorant of every 
 thing in it, and not knowing what to do with himfelf, he fuffered no little 
 uneafinefs : his drefs and arms rendered him an objed: of derifion to the mul- 
 titude, and he could find no body who underftood his language; infomuch 
 that he began at length to repent of his journey, and refolved, though he 
 had but jufl fet foot in Athens, to turn back again, fail to the Bofpho- 
 rus, and make the beft of his way home : in this fituation, Toxaris, like a 
 good genius, met him as he entered the Ceramicus ; attracted by his foreign 
 habit, he came up to him; it is, indeed, mofl probable that he muft have 
 known Anacharfis, who was a man of the firfl: rank in Scythia, though he 
 might not recollect Toxaris, who was drefled in the Grecian manner, with- 
 out a girdle, or a fvvord, clofe ihaved, and, in fhort, appearing in all ref- 
 pcfts as a native of Athens, fuch an entire change had time wrought in him. 
 Are not you, faid Toxaris, in the Scythian tongue, Anacharfis, the fon of 
 Daucetus? Anacharfis flied tears of joy, at thus meeting with a man who 
 
 * Several perfons, Jfff.] This favours much of Romlih fuperftition, nor can we at all recoa- 
 cVle the ftiange credulity of Lucian in this point, with his general character, 
 
 could
 
 The SCYTHIAN. 38, 
 
 could fpeak his language, and feemcd to know him fo well ; how came you, 
 faid he, ftranger, to know me ? I am your countryman, replied the other, 
 though, being of inferior rank, you do not recoiled me ; my name is Toxa- 
 ris. And are you, faid Anacharfis, that Toxaris whom I have heard fo much 
 of, who left his wife and family in Scythia, in fearch of Grecian literature, 
 and came to Athens, where he now lives honoured and revered by the oreat- 
 eft perfons in it ? I am he, faid Toxaris. Know then, replied Anacharfis, 
 that I am your difciple and follower ; flruck with the fame paffion as your' 
 felf for Grecian knowlege, I left my native country, and have fuffcred fo 
 many hardlhips in my journey hither, that if 1 had not lit on you, I had de- 
 termined, before fun-fer, to go back to my Ihip, fuch uneafmefs did I feel 
 at being totally ignorant of every thing around me; but, by our country's 
 gods, by Zamolxis, and the * fcymitar, I now intreat thee, Toxaris, to take 
 a ftranger under thy protcdion, lead me round the city, and fliew me every 
 thing that is worth feeing in it; explain to me the laws of Athens, her manners, 
 her rites and ceremonies, her policy, and cuftoms ; bring me acquainted 
 with her great men, fliew me all thofe things which induced you, as well as 
 myfelf, to take fo long a journey, and do not fuffcr me to return home with- 
 out a thorough knowlege of them. 
 
 It was not (replied Toxaris), like a lover of fciencc, afrer coming to the 
 very door, thus to talk of retreating j be of good courage, however, my 
 friend, for you fhall not go back fo foon as you intended ; this city will not 
 fo eafily part from you, nor does it want allurements fufficient to detain a 
 ftranger in it, but will lay hold on you fo ftrongly, that you will foon forget 
 even your wife and children, if you have left any behind you. And, now,, 
 I will tell you how you may get a complete view of Athens, and of every 
 thing remarkable throughout all Greece ; there is here a great and wife man, 
 a native of this place, who has travelled through Afia and .^gypt, well 
 known to the firft perfons in the kingdom, though he is himfelf poor and 
 indigent ; you will find him old, like me, and habited like a plebeian, yet, 
 on account of the extraordinary wifdom, and many virtues which he poftefles, 
 admired and efteemed by all the citizens, who acknowlege him as their le- 
 giflator, and live and ad as he direds them : if you can make him your 
 friend, and experience how great a man he is, you will have in him alone, 
 all Greece; the fummit and perfedion of every thing that is to be feen or 
 
 * Scymiiar.J See Locian's Toxaris, where this oath is explained^ 
 
 knOWB;
 
 382 The S C Y T H I A N. 
 
 linovvn amongft us : I cannot confer a greater favour, than to introduce and 
 recommend 5^ou to him. 
 
 Let us not then delay, faid Anacharfis; bring us together, I befeech you, 
 Toxaris, as foon as poffible; but I fear he will be difficult of accefs, and, 
 perhaps, pay no regard to your recommendation. Never fear that, faid 
 Toxaris, I know I ihall do him the greateft favour, by giving him an oppor- 
 tunity of Hiewing kindnefs to a ftranger; follow me, and you Ihall foon ex- 
 perience his hofpitality, juQice, candour, and benevolence ; and fee, my 
 friend, as if fent by heaven's appointment, he approaches towards us ; that 
 is he who comes this way, he feems wrapped in meditation, and is talking 
 to himfclf. 
 
 Toxaris then went up to Solon ; I have brought 3'ou, faid he, a valuable 
 prefent, a ftranger, who ftands in need of your fiiendfliip and proteftion ; 
 a Scythian by birth, who has left his country and family to live with us, and 
 fee the wonders of Greece. I have pointed out to him the Ihorteft way to be 
 acquainted with every thing, and every body worth knowing here, and for 
 this purpofe I have brought him to you. If 1 have any knowlege of Solon, 
 I doubt not but he will treat him hofpitably, pay him public honours, and 
 adopt him a citizen of Greece. 
 
 And now (turning to the Scythian), Anacharfis, he cried, you have feen 
 Solon, and in him every thing; he is Athens; he is Greece ; you are no 
 longer a ftranger here; all men know, and all love you ; fo much depends 
 on this good old man; living with him you will foon forget Scythia; you 
 reap the reward of your travels, the great end of all your labour ; here you 
 fee the Grecian laws, and the philofophy of Athens. Acknowlege yourfelf 
 at length the happieft of mankind, to be thus blefled with Solon's friend- 
 fliip. 
 
 How much Solon was pleafed with the prefent which Toxaris had made 
 him, and all that he faid on the occafion, would be tedious to relate ; fuffice 
 it to obferve, that they afterwards lived together, So'on fliewing him every 
 thing, inftructing, and recommending him, taking every method to make 
 him live cafily and happily in Greece : whilft Anacharfis, on his part, admir- 
 ed the wtfdom of Solon fo much, that he would never ftir from him ; for, 
 as Toxaris had foretold, from Solon alone, in a Ihort time, he knew every 
 thing, became acquainted w ith every body, and was univerfally efteemed ; 
 his approbation, indeed, was a matter of no little confequence, for all men 
 
 confidered
 
 The SCYTHIAN. ^^ 
 
 confidered him as their great legiflator, and implicitly obeyed him, al- 
 ways loving and valuing thofe vvhofe condudt he applauded. Anacharfis 
 was, moreover, initiated into the facred myfteries, the only barbarian who 
 ever enjoyed that privilege, having before been made a denizen of Athens ; 
 if we may believe Theoxenus, who relates this of him : nor would he ever, 
 I fuppofe, have returned into Scythia, if the death of Solon had not driven 
 him out of Greece. 
 
 And, now, you will exped:, no doubt, that I fhould put an end to my tale, 
 and inform you for what purpofe I brought Toxaris and Anacharfis thus out 
 out of Scythia, and old Solon to Athens : the truth is, fomething parallel to 
 Anacharfis's adventures happened to myfelf ; by the Graces, I befeech you, 
 my friends, be not angry at the fimile, or becaufe I compare myfelf to a 
 man of fuch rank and family j he was a barbarian as well as myfelf, and, I 
 hope, you will own, a Syrian is not inferior to a Scythian. I do not mean to 
 draw the comparifon with regard to his birth, but to other circumftances ; 
 for, when I firft came an utter flranger to your city, I was ftruck with the 
 lize and beauty of it, the number of its inhabitants, its dignity, and fplendor» 
 I was ailoniihed, and loft in admiration, like the * young man at the palace 
 of Menelaus : and well I might be at the fight of a city fo grand, noble, and 
 flourifhing. 
 
 In this fituation, I confidered what I fhould do; I had refolved to give you 
 a fpecimen of my abilities as an orator ; how indeed could I pafs over in fi- 
 lence, fuch a fubjed: ! I enquired, therefore, (for I will confefs the truth) 
 who were the principal men in the city, to whom I might apply, as patrons, 
 who would be of the greateft fervice to me : very foon, not one or two bar- 
 barians, like Toxaris and Anacharfis, but numbers; all, indeed, whom I 
 met, told me the fame thing ; however, though in different words, Know, 
 flranger, they all cried, there are in this city many good and fenfible men, 
 nor will you find fo many, perhaps, any where elfe; but there are two, fupe- 
 rior in rank and dignity, as well as In goodnefs to all the reft, in learning 
 and elegance, equal to the ten famous orators of Greece ; fuch favourites of 
 the people, that they are univerfally beloved, which is the greateft happinefs 
 to the commonwealth : whatever they command is performed, for they com- 
 mand nothing but what is good : great as they are, they leave no room for 
 envy; refpedtable for their kindnefs, benevolence, and hofpitality ; at the 
 
 * roil fig ffuin-l See Homer's Odyfley, B. I^^ 1. 74. 
 
 fame
 
 384 The SCYTHIAN. 
 
 «fame time, how mild they are, and how eafy of accefs you will foon know, 
 and may report to others : what will moft excite your wonder is, that they are 
 both to be found in the fame houfe, a fon and father: the latter you would 
 take for a Solon, a Pericles, or Ariftides ; the former, tall, and with a form 
 full of manly beauty, captivates you at firft fight; but if he fpeaks, your ears 
 are charmed and riveted to him, fuch wondrous eloquence is the youth pof- 
 feffed of : when he comes into the fenate, the whole city liflens to him, as 
 the Athenians, they tell us, did to the fon of Clinias. They repented, in- 
 deed, of their love for Alcibiades, but the whole nation loves, and reverences 
 this youth ; he is the joy and happinefs of all, a public good. If he and his 
 father receive and honour you with their friendlhip, the city is yours ; they 
 iieed only, by the waving of a hand, to fignify their opinion of you, and 
 your fortune is made. 
 
 Such, I fwear by almighty Jove (if an oath is neceffary to confirm it), was 
 the general voice : and by experience, I know it is not half what they might 
 have faid. This, therefore, as the ^ Coan poet fays, is not a time for 
 idlenefs and delays : I muft pull every rope, fay, and do all I can, to 
 gain their patronage and friendfhip ; fo fhall I make a profperous voyage, the 
 iky will be ferene, the waves placid, and I Ihall foon arrive at the defired 
 haven. 
 
 Coanpoet.'^ Bacchylldes» 
 
 ZEUXIS."
 
 Z E U X r S: 
 
 O R, 
 
 ANTIOCHUS. 
 
 This feems to be another Orat Ion, probably fpoken by LuciAtJ, before the fame Affem- 
 bly, and in the fame Place as the lafl, which he alludes to in the firjl Sentence: the 
 Example o/Zeuxis is extremely appojite to the Furpofe, as well as that o/Anti- 
 ocHus. Both the Stories are curious and entertaining. 
 
 AS foon as I was got home the other day, after having repeated my ora- 
 tion, feveral of my auditors came, (as I am fpeaking to friends, I may 
 venture to mention it,) embraced, and complimented me highly on the oc- 
 cafion : their extravagant praiies made me blulh ; partly, indeed, for fear 
 that I fhould not hereafter anfwer their expeftations : what they principally 
 dwelt on, was the novelty of every thing I had faid. What an admirable 
 fpeech, they cried, how clever he mull be at invention ! how wonderfully 
 new ! They muft furely have been greatly affedted, or they would not have 
 flattered a flranger in this manner : the excefs of their praifes, to fay the 
 truth, gave me no little uneafinefs ; and when they were gone, I faid to my- 
 felf, was there nothing in my writings worthy of commendation but the no- 
 velty of them ? is there no judicious obfervance of ancient rules, no Attic 
 elegance, no art in the compofition, no fenfible refledtions, no ftyle or beauty ? 
 Surely if there had, they would not have praifed them thus, for being ftrange 
 and uncommon : they might, after all, have been charmed principally with 
 this ; for, as Homer tells us. 
 
 Novel lays attrad: our raviih'd ears. 
 
 And yet, not with this alone, but partly with the other perfedlions which 
 
 Ht»! «y.aovTeo-0-» k£WT«T*) ap,(p»7r£A)5Ta», Od. A'. 1. 35 I. 
 
 which Pope thus tranflates, 
 
 — Novel lays attradl our ravifh'd ears, 
 But old the mind with inattention hears. 
 
 VpL. I. D d d I men-
 
 386 Z E U X I S. 
 
 I mentioned ; and to which, their novelty ferved as a crown, or ornament, 
 to fet off and recommend them, fo that there might be fome parts deferving 
 of ferious applaufe. This refledtion foothed my pride, and made me almoft 
 believe them, when they told me, I was the only good Grecian writer, a 
 miracle of parts, and fo forth ; and yet, perhaps, they would have given 
 this kind of praife to a m.ountebank. 
 
 I will tell you a flory of Zeuxis. That famous painter feldom chofe to 
 handle trite and common fubjedis, fuch as heroes, gods, and battles, but 
 always endeavoured to ftrike out fomething new, and exerted all his art and 
 fkill upon it : amongft other things, he painted a female centaur, with two 
 young ones : there is an exad: copy of it now at Athens ; the original was 
 faid to have been fent into Italy by Sylla the Roman general, and loft at fea 
 with the whole cargo, fomewhere, 1 believe, near Malta. The copy, how- 
 ever, 1 have feen, and will defcribe to you ; not that I pretend to be a judge 
 of pidlures, but becaufe, when I faw it in a painter's collection, there, it 
 made a ftrong impreffion on me, and I perfe(ftly recoiled: every part of it. 
 
 * The Centaur is lying down on a fmooth turf; that part which reprefents 
 a mare, is ftretched on the ground, with the hind feet extended backwards j 
 the forefeet not reaching out as if fhe laid on her fide, but one of them as 
 kneeling, with the hoof bent under, the other raifed up, and trampling on 
 the grafs, like a horfe prepared to leap : fhe holds one of the young ones in 
 her arms, andfuckles it like a child at her woman's breafl; and the other at 
 _her dugs like a colt. In the farther part of the picture, is feen a male cen- 
 taur, as watching from a place of obfervation, fuppofed to be the father; he 
 is behind, and difcovers only the horfe part of the figure, and appears fmil- 
 ing, fhewing a lyon's cub, which he lifts up, as if to frighten the young ones 
 in fport. 
 
 With regard to corredtnefs in drawing, the colouring, -j- light and fhade, 
 fymmetry, proportion, and other beauties of this pidture; as 1 am not a fuf- 
 ficient judge of the art, I leave it to painters, whofe bufinefs it is to explain 
 and illuftrate them : what I principally admire in Zeuxis is, his fhewing fo 
 
 * T/.'c Centaur.'] The piftare of Zeuxis is very exadly and accurately defcrlbed by Lucian, and 
 according to his account, had no fmall degree of merit in it. Zeuxis, if we may credit our au- 
 thor, raufthave been the Stobbj of antiquity. 
 
 •f Light cmd Jhade.] Gr. 2)£j«<7a» £? (S'lov. — Umbrarum rationem ; what can this mean, but the 
 Ivnowlege of light and fiiade ? This, however, according to the judgment offome modern critics, 
 was unknown to the ancients. 
 
 much
 
 Z E U X I S. 387 
 
 much variety, and all the riches of his art, in the management of one fiibjed, 
 reprefenting a man fo fierce and terrible, the hair fo nobly difiievelled, rough 
 and flowing over the fhoulders where it joins the horfe, and the countenance, 
 though fmiling, amazingly wild and favage : the female Centaur is a mod 
 beautiful mare, of Theflalian breed, fuch as had been never ridden, or 
 tamed : all the upper part refembling a very handfome woman, except the 
 ears, which are like a fatyr*s : that part of the figure, where the body of the 
 woman joins to that of the horfe, incorporating, as it were, infenfibly, and 
 by flow degrees, (6 that you can fcarce mark the tranfition, deceiving the 
 fight moll: agreeably : the ferocity that appears in the young ones, is, more- 
 over, admirably exprefled; as well as the childifli innocence in their coun- 
 tenances when they look towards the young lyon, clinging at the fame time 
 to the breafl:, and getting as clofe as poflible to their mother. 
 
 When Zeuxis produced this work, he expedted, no doubt, to meet with 
 univerfal approbation from the fpedtators ; every body, indeed, praifed and 
 admired it; and how could they dootherwife? above all they commended, as 
 my friends did with regard to me, the novelty of the invention ; laid it was 
 a mofl: uncommon fubjedl, and unattempted by any of his predeceflx)rs. 
 But, when Zeuxis underflood that their admiration was confined entirely to 
 the novelty of it, and that they pafl^ed over all the art which he had exerted 
 in it, " Cover up the pidure, faid he to'his pupil, and let it be carried home, 
 for thefe people are only in love with the dregs, as it were, of the art, and 
 take no notice of the real merit of the pidture, the novelty of the performance 
 alone,runs away with all the praife and admiration." 
 
 Thus did Zeuxis aft, perhaps with too much refentment. There is fome- 
 thing fimilar to it in what happened to Antiochus, firnamed Socer, in his 
 war with the Gallo-Grecians. I will tell you, if you pleafe, that ftory alfo. 
 This prince, knowing that his enemies were flrong and numerous, that they 
 had a powerful phalanx in the van, armed with breaft-plates ot brafs, and 
 twenty thoufand horfe to fupport them ; befides, eighty chariots with fcythes, 
 and as many without : againft all thefe he had little hopes of fuccefs, his own 
 army being butjuft raifed, and confifling of very few troops, mofl of them 
 light-armed foldiers, both horfe and foot ; he thought it therefore mofl pru- 
 dent to put an end to the war if poflible, and conclude a peace with them : 
 but Theodotus, the Rhodian, a brave and ikilful general, coming up, exhort- 
 .ed him by no means to defpair. Antiochus had, it feems, fixtecn elephants ; 
 
 D d d 2 thefe.
 
 388 
 
 U X I s. 
 
 thefe, he advlfed him carefully to conceal behind the ranks, fo as not to be 
 feen by the enemy ; when the trumpets founded, and the battle began, their 
 horfe advanced, the chariots of the Gallo-Grecians opened to give them way, 
 when four of the elephants ruflied out againft one party, and four agalnlt 
 another, ei^^ht more oppofed the chariot-drivers : this, they thought would 
 frighten the horfes, and make the enemy fall upon, and deftroy one another: 
 and fo it happened ; for neither the Gallo-Grecians themfelves, nor their 
 horfes, having ever feen an elephant, they were terrified at a fight fo unfuf- 
 pefted, and even before the monfl:ers approached, as foon as they heard them 
 bellow at a diftancc, and favv their trunks and teeth Ihining under their black 
 hides, as if they would tear every thing to pieces, they fled away, before a 
 dart was thrown, in the utmoft confufion : the foot, in the mean time, fiain 
 by each other, and trod upon by the cavalry, who rufhed upon them with 
 all their force, and the chariots driving back upon their own men, which 
 caufed great fiaughter amongft them ; as * Homer fays. 
 
 In heaps on heaps, the foe tumultuous flies. 
 The horfes, thus, once broke, and put out of their way, were routed by 
 the elephants, threw down their drivers, and left the cars rolling on, and 
 mowing down numbers with their fcythes ; the elephants treading upon them, 
 and with their trunks tofl^ing their bodies into the air, and tearing them in 
 pieces ; infomuch, that Antiochus, by their means, at length gained a com- 
 plete vi(5lory. Mofl: of the enemy were either flain or taken prifoners, ex- 
 cept a few, who faved themfelves by flight. The Macedonians fung a pean, 
 crowned Antiochus, and exulted on the vidtory : but he, with tears in his 
 eyes, cried our, " Should we not rather blufii, my fellow-foldiers, to think 
 our fuccefs was all owing to thefe fixteen beafts; if the enemy had not been 
 flruck with the novelty of the fight, what would have become of us ?'* He 
 commanded, therefore, that nothing but an elephant fliould be infcribed on 
 the trophy. 
 
 I am much afraid, lefl: fomething like Antiochus's battle fliould happen to 
 myfclf; it is perhaps, my elephants alone, that frighten, and caufe fo much 
 admiration ; it is the novelty of a female Centaur, which appears fo new and 
 wonderful ; and all the reft of Zeuxis's performance was but labour in vain. 
 I will not think fo, for you underftand painting well, and are exqulfite judges 
 of the art : I hope my produdtions will be worthy of your approbation. 
 
 * Homer fays.'] See Pope's Odyfley, b. i6. 1. 351, 
 
 TO
 
 TO THAT EXCELLENT HISTORIAN, 
 THE VERY LEARNED AND INGENIOUS 
 
 Dr. WILLIAM ROBERTSON, 
 
 PRINCIPAL OF THE UNIVERSITY OF EDINBURGH, 
 THIS TRACT IS INSCRIBED BY 
 
 THE TRANSLATOR. 
 
 INSTRUCTIONS 
 
 FOR 
 
 WRITING HISTORY. 
 
 Luci AN, in this Letter to his FriendFaiLO, after having, with infinite Humour, ex- 
 pofedthe Abfurdities of fome contemporary Hi/iorianSy whofe PTorks being configned to 
 Oblivion, have never reached us, proceeds^ in the latter Part of it, to lay down 
 mojl excellent Rules and DireBions for writing Hiftory. My Readers will find 
 the one to the laji Degree pleafant and entertaining; and the other no lefs ufeful, 
 fenftble, and injlru^ive, This is, indeed, one of Lvcian's beji Pieces. 
 
 My dear Philo, 
 
 c 
 
 IN the reign of * Lyfimachus, we are told, that the people of Abder 
 were feized with a violent epidemical fever, which raged through th_ 
 whole city, continuing for feven days, at the expiration of which, a copious 
 difcharge of blood from the noftrils in fome, and in others a profufe fvveat 
 carried it off; it was attended, however, with a very ridiculous circumftance; 
 every one of the perfons affedted by it, being fuddenly taken with a fit of 
 tragedizing, fpouting iambics, and roaring out mofl furioufly, particularly 
 
 • Lyjimach!is.'\ One of Alexander's generals, to whofe fliare on the divifion of the empire 
 after that monarch's dcaih, fell the kingdom of Thrace, inwhich wasfuuatedthecity of Abdera. 
 
 the
 
 39° 
 
 INSTRUCTIONS for 
 
 the * Andromeda of Euripides, and the fpeech of Perfeus, which they recited 
 in mod lamentable accents : the city fwarm'd with thefe pale feventh-day 
 patients, who, with loud voices, were perpetually bawling out 
 
 O tyrant love, o'er gods and men fupreme, &c. 
 
 And this they continued every day for a long time, till winter and the cold 
 weather coming on, put an end to their delirium : for this diforder, they 
 feem, in my opinion, indebted to Arcbelaus, a tragedian at that time in 
 high eftimation, who, in the middle of fumraer, at the very -f- hotteft feafon 
 of the year, exhibited the Andromeda, which had fuch an effecft on the fpec- 
 tators, that feveral of them, as foon as they rofe up from it, fell infenfibly 
 into the cragedizing vein; the Andromeda naturally occurring to their me- 
 mories, and PerfeuSj with his Medufa, flill hovering round them. 
 
 Now if, as they fay, one may compare great things with fmall : this Ab- 
 derian diforder feems to have feized on many of our Literati of the prefent age; 
 not that it fets them on adling tragedies, (for the folly would not be fo great 
 in repeating other people's verfes, efpecially if they were good ones,) but ever 
 lince the war was began againfl: the Barbarians, the defeat in ;|; Armenia, and 
 the vidtories confequent on it, not one is there amongil: us who does not write 
 a hiftory , or rather, I may fay, we are all Thucydides% Herodotus*s, and 
 Xenophon's. Well may they fay, § war is the parent of all things, when 
 one aftion can make fo many hiflorians. This puts me in mind of what hap- 
 pened at [1 Sinope: when the Corinthians heard that Philip was going to attack 
 them, they were all alarmed, and fell to work, fome brufhing up their arms, 
 others bringing ilones to prop up their walls, and defend their bulwarks, 
 every one, in fhort, lending a hand; Diogenes obferving this, and having 
 
 * Andromeda.^ A fmall fragment of this tragedy, and which has in it the very line here 
 quoted by Lucian, is yet extant in Barnes's edition of Euripides. 
 
 t Hottejl feafon.^ This ftory may afford no ufelefs admonition to the managers of the Hay- 
 market, and other fummer theatres, who, it is to be hoped, will not run the hazard of inflam- 
 ing their audiences with too much tragedy in the dog-days.. 
 
 X Armenia.^ This alludes to the Parthian war, in the time of Severian ; the particulars of 
 which, except the few here occafionally glanced at, we are Grangers to. Lucian, moft pro- 
 bably by this traft, totally knocked up fome of the hiftorians who had given an account of it, 
 and prevented many others who were intimidated by the feverity of his ftridtures, attempting 
 to tranfmit the hiftory of it to pofterity. 
 
 § War isy t^c] This faying is attributed to Empedocles. 
 
 H Sifwpc] The mod: famous of the Pontic cities, and well known as the refidence of the re- 
 iiowned Cynic phllofopher. It is ftill called by the fame name, and is a port-town of Afiatic 
 Turkey, on the Euxine. 
 
 nothing
 
 WRITING HISTORY. 
 
 391 
 
 nothing to do, (for no body employed him,) tucked up his robe, and, with 
 all his might, fell a-rolling his tub, which he lived in, up and down the 
 * Cranium : What are you about ? faid one of his friends ; Rolling my tub, 
 replied he, that whilfl every body is bufy around mc, I may not be the only 
 idle perfon in the kingdom. In like manner, I, my dear Philo, being very 
 loath, in this noify age, to make no noife at all, or to aft the part of a mute 
 in the comedy, think it highly proper that I fhould roll my tub alfo : not 
 that I mean to write hiftory myfelf, or be a narrator of fadts ; you need not 
 fear me, I am not fo ralh, knowing the danger too well if I roll it amongft 
 the ftones, efpccially fuch a tub as mine, which is not over ftrong, fo that 
 the leafV pebble I flrike againfl, would dalh it in pieces. I will tell you, 
 however, what my defign is, how I mean to be prefent at the battle, and 
 yet keep out of the reach of danger : I intend to Ihelter myfelf from the 
 •f waves and the fmoke, and the cares that writers are liable to, and only give 
 them a little good advice, and a few precepts ; to have, in fhort, fome little 
 hand in the building, though I do not expedt my name will be infcribed on 
 it, as I fhall but juft touch the mortar with the tip of my finger. 
 
 There are many, I know, who think there is no neceffity for inftrudion 
 at all with regard to this bufinefs, any more than there is for walking, fee- 
 ing, or eating, and that it is the eafieft thing in the world for a man to vrite 
 hiftory, if he can but fay what comes uppermoft : but you, my friend are 
 convinced that it is no fuch eafy matter, nor fhould be negligently and care- 
 lefsly performed ; but that, on the other hand, if there beany thincr in the 
 whole circle of literature, that requires more than ordinary care and atten- 
 tion, it is undoubtedly this : at leaft, if a man would wifn, as Thucydides 
 fays, to labour for poftcrity. I very well know, that I cannot attack fo 
 many without rendering myfelf obnoxious to fome, efpecially thofe whofe 
 hiftories are already nnifned, and made public; even if, what I fay, Ihould 
 be approved by them, it would be madnefs to expea: that they fhould re- 
 trad any thing, or alter that which had been once eftablifhed, and, as it 
 were, laid up in royal repofitories : it may not be amifs, however, to give 
 them thefe inftrudlions, that in cafe of another war, the Getas againft the 
 Gauls, or the Indians, perhaps, againft the Barbarians, (for with regard to 
 
 * Cranium.] A kind of fchool or g3mnafuim, where the young men performed their exer>° 
 cifes : the choice of fuch a place by a philofopher, to roll a tub in, heightens the ridicule. 
 •^ Jfaves, i^c] See Hom.-r's Odyffey, M. 1. 219.
 
 392 INSTRUCTIONS for 
 
 ourfelves there is no danger, our enemies being all fubdued) by applying 
 thefc rules if they like them, they may know better how to write for the fu- 
 ture : if they do not chufe this, they may even go on by their old meafure, 
 the * phyfician will not break his heart if all the people of Abdera follow 
 their own inclination, and continue to adt the Andromeda. 
 
 Criticifm is twofold ; that which teaches us what we are to chufe, and 
 that which teaches us what to avoid : we will begin with the laft, and confider 
 what thofe faults arc, which a writer of hiHory fhould be free from; next, 
 what it is that will lead him into the right path, how he (hould begin, what 
 order and method he (hould obferve, what he Ihould pafs over in filence, 
 and what he fhould dwell upon, how things may be beft illultrated and con- 
 neded. Of thefe, and fuch as thefe, we will fpeak hereafter ; in the mean 
 time, let us point out the faults which bad writers are moil generally guilty 
 of, the blunders which they commit in language, compofition, and fenti- 
 ment, with many other marks of ignorance, which it would be tedious to 
 enumerate, and belong not to our prefent argument; the principal faults, as 
 I obferved to you, are in the language and compofition. 
 
 You will find on examination, that hiflory in general has a great many of 
 this kind, which, if you liften to them all, you will be fufficiently convinced 
 of; and, for this purpofe, it may not be unfeafonable to recolledt fome of 
 them by way of example ; and the firft that 1 fhall mention, is that intoler- 
 able cuftom' which mod of them have of omitting fads, and dwelling for- 
 ever on the praifes of their generals and commanders, extolling to the ikies 
 iheir own leaders, and degrading beyond meafure thofe of their enemies, not 
 knowing how much hiflory differs from panegyric ; that there is a great wall 
 between them ; or, that to ufe a muiical phrafe, they are a double f odlave 
 diflant from each other: the fole bufinefs of the panegyiill, is, at all 
 events, and by every means to extol, and delight the objed of his praife, 
 and it little concerns him whether it be true or not. But hiflory will not 
 admit the lean degree of falfehood, any more than, as phyficians fay, the 
 J wind-pipe can receive into it any kind of food. 
 
 * T/je Fhyjicians, ^c.'\ Alluding to the ftoiy he fet out with, 
 
 f Douilc oclavt\'\ ^Kro'U7rci(T»iv. Gr. the Latin tranflation renders it oflavaduplici. SeeBurney's 
 Diflertation on jMiific, Sci\. i. 
 
 X Ihe n.vind-pipc.'] Gr. t-a,v a.f~Y,f\,a.v tfuyjiuv, afpera arteria, or the wind pipe. The comparifon 
 is flriftly juft, and remarkably true ; as we may all recolleft how dreadful the fenfation is, when 
 any part of our lood (lips down what is generally called the wrong way, 
 
 Thefe
 
 W R I T I N G H I S T O R Y. 995 
 
 Thefe men fcem not to know, that poetry, hns Irs particular rules and pre- 
 cepts; and that hiftory is governed by others dircdtly oppofite : that, with 
 regard to the former, the licence is immoderate, and there is fcarcc any lav/, 
 but what the poet prefcribes to himfclf. \"\'hcn he is full of the Deity, and 
 poflcffed, as it were, by the Mufes, if he has a mind to put * winged horfjs 
 to his chariot, and drive fome through the waters, and others over the tops 
 of unbending corn, there is no offence taken : neither, if his -f Jupiter hangs 
 the earth and fea at the end of a chain, are we afraid that it fhould break, 
 and deftroy us ail : if he wants to extol Agamemnon, who fliall forbid his 
 bellowing on him the head and eyes of Jupiter, the brealt of his brother 
 Neptune, and the belt of Mars ? The fon of Atreus and ^rope, mud be a 
 compofitlon of all the gods ; nor are Jupiter, Mars, and Neptune, fufficicnt, 
 perhaps, of themfelves, to give us an idea of his perfedion. But, it hiftory 
 admits any adulation of this kind, it becomes a fort of profaic poetry, with- 
 out its numbers or magnificence ; a heap of monftrous ftories, only more 
 confpicuous by their incredibility : he is unpardonable, therefore, who can- 
 not diftinguilh one from the other; but lays on hiftory the paint of poetry, 
 its flattery, fable, and hyperbole : it is juft as ridiculous as it would be to 
 clothe one of our robuft wreftlers, who is as hard as an oak, in fine purple, 
 or fome fuch meretricious garb, and put j paint on his cheeks; how would 
 fuch ornan ents debafe and degrade him ! I do not mean, by this, that ia 
 hiftory we are not to praife fometimes, but it muft be done at proper feafons, 
 and in a proper degree, that it may not offend the readers of future ages ; 
 for future ages muft be confidered in this afi^air, as I (hall endeavour to prove 
 hereafter. 
 
 Thofe, I muft here obferve, are greatly miftaken, who divide hiftory in- 
 to two parts, the ufeful and the agreeable ; and, in confequence of it, would 
 introduce panegyric, as always delecflable, and entertaining to the reader : 
 but the divifion itfelf is falfe and delu^ve ; for the great end and defign of 
 
 * Winged horfes.'] See Homer's Iliad, Y. 1. 22;. and Virgil's Camilla, in the 7th book of the 
 jEnied. 
 
 f Jupiter. '\ See Homer's II. 0. 1. iS. One of the blind bard's fpcciofa miracula, which 
 Lucian is perpetually laughing at. 
 
 X Paint.'] -lny^vhoty or cerufla. Painting, we fee, both amongd men and women, was 
 praftifed long ago, and has at lead the plea of antiquity in its favour. According to Lucicn, 
 the men laid on white ; for the ■4/i/xjMt3ier, was probably cerufe, or white lead : the ladies, we may 
 fuppofe, as at prefent, preferred the rouge. 
 
 Vol. I. E e e hiftory.
 
 ,^4 I N S T R U C T I O N S FOR 
 
 hiftory, is, to be ufeful : a fpecies of merit, which can only arlfe from its 
 truth ; if the agreeable follows, fo much the better ; as there may be beauty 
 in a wreftler : and yet Hercules would efteem the brave though ugly Nico- 
 firatus as much as the beautiful Alcaeus. And thus, Hiftory, when Ihe 
 adds pleafure to utility, may attradt more admirers; though, as long as Ihe 
 is pofleffed of that greateft of perfeftions, truth, ihe need not be anxious 
 concerning beauty. 
 
 In hiftory, nothing fabulous can be agreeable ; and flattery is difgufting 
 to all readers, except the very dregs of the people: good judges look with 
 the eyes of Argos on every part, rejed every thing that is falfe and adulter- 
 ated,' and will admit nothing but what is true, clear, and well exprefled ; 
 thefe are the men you are to have a regard to when you write, rather than the 
 vulgar, though your flattery fliould delight them ever fo much. If you fluff 
 hiftory with fulfome encomiums, and idle tales, you will make her like Her- 
 cules in Lydia ; as you may have feen him painted, waiting upon Omphale, 
 who is drefled in the lion's fkin, with his club in her hand -, whilft he is re- 
 prefented, cloathed in yellow and purple, and fpinning, and Omphale beat- 
 ing him with her flipper : a ridiculous fpedacle, wherein every thing manly 
 and godlike is funk and degraded to eff'eminacy. 
 
 The multitude perhaps, indeed, may admire fuch things; but the judici- 
 ous few, whofe opinion you defpife, will always laugh at what is abfurd, in- 
 congruous, and inconfiftent : every thing has a beauty peculiar to itfelf: but 
 if you put one inftead of another, the moft beautiful becomes ugly, becaufe 
 it is not in its proper place. I need not add, that praife is agreeable only to 
 the perfon praifed, and difguftful to every body elfe, efpecially when it is 
 laviflily beftowed ; as is the praftice of moft writers, who are fo extremely 
 defirous of recommending themfelves by flattery, and dwell fo much upon it, 
 as to convince the reader it is mere adulation ; which they have not art enough 
 to conceal, but heap up together, naked, uncovered, and totally incredible: 
 fo that they feldom gain what they expeded from it ; for the perfon flatter- 
 ed, if he has any thing noble or manly in him, only abhors and defpifes 
 them for it as mean parafites. Ariftobulus, after he had written an account 
 of the fingle combat between Alexander and Porus, fliowed thaL monarch a 
 particular part of it, wherein, the better to get into his good graces, he had 
 inferted a great deal more than was true : when Alexander feized the book 
 and ihrew it (for they happened at that time to be failing on the Hydafpes,) 
 
 dired;ly
 
 WRITING HISTORY. 395 
 
 direftly into the river : " thus, faid he, ought you to have been ferved 
 yourfelf, for pretending to defcribe my battles, and killing half a dozen ele- 
 phants for me with a fingle fpear/' This anger was worthy of Alexander, of 
 him who could not bear the adulation of that * architedt, who promifed to 
 transform mount Athos into a (latue of him : but he looked upon the man, 
 from that time, as a bafe flatterer, and never employed him afterwards. 
 
 What is there in this cuftom, therefore, that can be agreeable, unlefs to 
 the proud and vain; to deformed men, or ugly women, who infift on being 
 painted handfome, and think they Ihall look better, if the artifl gives them a 
 little more red and white ! Such, for the mofl part, are the hiftorians of 
 our times, who facrifice every thing to the prefent moment, and their own 
 intereft and advantage ; who can only be defpifed as ignorant flatterers of 
 the age they live in ; and as men, who, at the fame time, by their extrava- 
 gant (lories, make every thing which they relate liable to fufpicion. If, 
 notwithftanding, any are Hill of opinion, that the agreeable fliould be ad- 
 rnitted in hiftory, let them join that which is pleafant with that which is 
 true, by the beauties of ftyle and diftion, inftead of foifting in, as is com- 
 monly done, what is nothing to the purpofe. 
 
 I will now acquaint you with fome things I lately picked np in Ionia and 
 Achaia,from feveral hiftorians, who gave accounts of this war. By the Graces, 
 I befeech you, to give me credit for what I am going to tell you, as I could 
 fwear to the truth of it, if it were polite to fwear in a diflertation. One of 
 thefe gentlemen begins by invoking the Mufes, and intreats the goddefles to 
 aflift him in the performance : what an excellent fetting out ! and how pro- 
 perly is this form of fpeech adapted to hiflor) ! a little farther on, he com- 
 pares our emperor to Achilles, and the Perfian king to Therfites ; not con- 
 fidering, that his Achilles would have been a much greater man. if he had 
 killed Heftor, rather than Therfucs; if the brave ftiould fly, hewhopur- 
 fues muft be braver. Then follows an encomium on himfelf, fliewing how 
 worthy he is to recite fuch noble anions; and when he is got on a little, he 
 extols his own country, Miletus, adding, that in this he had aded better 
 than Homer, who never tells us where he was born. He informs us, more- 
 over, at the end of his preface, in the mofl plain and pofitive terms, that 
 he fhall take care to make the bed he can of our own affairs ; and, as far as 
 
 * Architea ] Dlnocrates : the fame (lory Js told of him, with fome little alteration, by Vi- 
 truvius. Mention is made of it Ukewife by Pliny and Strabo, 
 
 E e e 2 1»^^
 
 396 I N S T R U C T I O N S FOR 
 
 lies in his power to get the upper hand of our enemies, the Barbarians : after 
 inveftigating the caufe of the war, he begins thus: "That vileft of all 
 wretches, Vologefus, entered upon the war for thefe reafons." Such is this 
 hiftorian's manner. Another, a clofe imitator of Thucydides, that he may 
 fet out as his mafter does, gives us an exordium, that fmells of the true At- 
 tic honey, and begins thus : " Creperius Calpurnianus, a citizen of Pom- 
 peia, hath written the hiftory of the war between the Parthians and the Ro- 
 mans, lliewing how they fought with one another, commencing at the time- 
 when it firft broke out." After this, need I inform you how he harangued 
 in Armenia, by another Corcyr^an orator ? or how, to be revenged of the 
 Nifib^ans, for not taking partwith the Romans, he fent the plague amongft 
 them, taking the whole from Thucydides, excepting the long walls of A- 
 thens : he had begun from Ethiopia, defcended into ^gypt, and paffed 
 over great part of the royal territory ; well it was that he floped there : when 
 I left him, he was burying the miferable Athenians at Nifibis ; but as I knew 
 what he was going to tell us, T took my leave of him. 
 
 Another thing very common with thefe hiflorians, is, by way of imitating, 
 Thucydides, to make ufe of his phrafes, perhaps with a little alteration,, 
 to adopt his manner, in little modes and expreffions, fuch as, " you muft 
 yourfelf acknowlege," " for the fame reafon," " a little more, and I had for- 
 o-ot/' and the like ; this fame writer, when he has occafion to mention 
 bridges, fofleSj or any of the machines ufed in war, gives them Roman 
 names : but how does it fuit the dignity of hiflory, or refemble Thucydides, 
 to mix the Attic and Italian thus, as if it was ornamental and becoming ? 
 
 Another of them gives us a plain fimple journal of every thing that was 
 done, fuch as a common foldier might have written, or a futtler, who fol- 
 lowed the camp : this, however, was tolerable, becaufe it pretended to no- 
 thing more ; and might be ufeful, by fupplying materials for fome better 
 hiflorian. I only blame him for his pompous introduction, " Callimor- 
 phus, phyfician to the fixth legion of fpearmen, his hiftory of the Parthian 
 war :" then his books are all carefully numbered, and he entertains us with 
 a moll frigid preface,, which he concludes with faying, that '* a phyfician 
 muft be the frtteft of all men to write hiftory, becaufe ^fculapius was the 
 fon of Apollo, and Apollo is the leader of the Mufes, and the great prince, 
 of literature." 
 
 Belides
 
 WRITING HISTORY. 397 
 
 Befides this, after fetting out in delicate Ionic, he drops, I know not 
 how, into the niofl: vulgar ftyle, and expreffions, ufcd only by the very 
 dregs of the people. 
 
 And here I muft not pafs over a certain wife man, whofe name, however^ 
 I fhall not mention ; his work is lately publifhed at Corinth, and is beyond 
 every thing one could have conceived. In the very firft fentence of his 
 preface be takes his readers to tafk, and convinces them, by the mod faga- 
 cious method of reafoning, that " none but a wife man Ihould ever attempt 
 to write hiftory :" then comes fyllogifm upon fyllogifm; every kind of ar- 
 gument is by turns made ufe of, to introduce the meaneft and mofl fulfome 
 adulation ; and even this is brought in by fyllogifm and interrogation. What 
 appeared to me the mofl intolerable, and unbecoming the long beard of a 
 philofopher, was, his faying in the preface, that our emperor was above all 
 men moft happy, whofe acflions even philofophers did not difdain to cele- 
 brate : furely this, if it ought to be faid at all, Ihould have been left for us- 
 to fay rather than himfelf. 
 
 Neither muft we here forget that hiftorian, who begins thus ; " I come 
 to fpeak of the Romans and Perfians;" and a little after he fays, ".for the 
 Perfians ought to fuffer ;" and in another place, " there was one Ofroes, 
 whom the Greeks call Oxyrrhoes," with many things of this kind. This 
 man is juft fuch a one as him I mentioned before, only that one is like 
 Thucydides, and the other, the exact refemblance of Herodotus. 
 
 But there is yet another writer, renowned for eloquence, another Thucy- 
 dides, or rather fuperior to him, who mofl elaborately defcribes every city, 
 mountain, field, and river, and cries out with all his might, " may the 
 great averter of evil turn it all on our enemies !" This is colder than Cafpian 
 fnow, or Celtic ice. The emperor's fliield takes up a whole book to de- 
 fcribe : the * Gorgon's eyes are blue, and black, and white; the ferpents 
 twine about his hair, and his belt has all the colours of the rainbow : how many 
 
 * The GorgotCs eyes^ iEjc.'\ 
 
 His buckler's mighty orb was next difplay'd; 
 
 Tremendous Gorgon frown'd upon its field, , 
 
 And circling terrors fill'd th' exj^reffivc fliield : 
 
 Within its concave hung a filver thong, 
 
 On which a mimic ferpent creeps along. 
 
 His azure length in eafy waves extends. 
 
 Till, in three heads, th' embroider'd monflcr ends. 
 
 See Pope's Homer's Iliad, book si. 1. 43.- 
 
 Luclan&ere means to ridicule, not Homer, but the hiflorian's abfurd imitation of him. 
 
 lhoufaa<J
 
 39S INSTRUCTIONS FOR 
 
 thoufand lines does it coft him to defcribe Vologefus*s breeches, and his 
 iiorfe's bridle, and how Orroe*s hair looked when he fwam over the Tigris, 
 what fort of a cave he fled into, and how it was Ihaded all over with ivy, 
 and myrtle, and laurel, twined together : you plainly fee how neceffary this 
 was to the hiftory, and that we could not poflibly have underftood what was 
 going forward without it. 
 
 From inability, and ignorance of every thing ufeful, thefe men are driven 
 to defcriptions of countries and caverns, and when they come into a multi- 
 plicity of great and momentous affairs, are utterly at a lofs ; like a fervant 
 enriched on a fudden by coming into his mafter*s eftate, who does not 
 know how to put on his cloaths, or to eat as he fhould do; but when fine 
 birds, fat fows, and hares are placed before him, falls to and eats till he 
 burfts, of fait meat, and pottage. The writer, I juft now mentioned, de- 
 feribes the flrangeft wounds, and the moil extraordinary deaths you ever 
 heard of; tells us of a man's being wounded in the great toe, and expiring 
 immediately; and how on Prifcus, the general, bawling out loud, feven and 
 twenty of the enemy fell down dead upon the fpot. He has told lies, more- 
 over, about the number of the flain, in contradidion to the account given in 
 by the leaders : he will have it that feventy thoufand two hundred and thirty- 
 fix of the enemy died at Europus, and of the Romans only two, and nine 
 wounded. Surely nobody in their fenfes can bear this. 
 
 Another thing fhould be mentioned here alfo, which is no little fault : 
 from the affeftatlon of Atticifm, and a more than ordinary attention to pu- 
 rity of didtion, he has taken the liberty to turn the Roman names into 
 Greek, to call Saturninus, K^ouiof, Chronius ; Fronto, ^^ovrif, Frontis ; Ti- 
 lianus, Tirano?, Titanius, and others flill more ridiculous. With regard to 
 the death of Severian, he informs us, that every body elfe was miflaken, 
 when they imagined that he perifhed by the fword, for that the man llarved 
 himfelf to death, as he thought that the eafieft way of dying ; not knowing 
 (which was the cafe), that he could only have fafled three days, whereas 
 many have lived without food for feven : unlefs we are to fuppofe that 
 Ofroes flood waiting till Severian had flarved himfelf completely, and for 
 that reafon he would not live out the whole week. 
 
 But in what clafs, my dear Philo, fhall we rank thofe hiflorians who are 
 perpetually making ufe of poetical cxpreffions, fuch as " the engine crufh'd, 
 the wall thunder'd," and in another place, " EdefTa refounded with the 
 
 lliock
 
 W R I T I N G H I S T O R Y. 3^^ 
 
 lliock of arms, and all was noife and tumult around ;*' and again^ " often 
 the leader In his mind revolved how beft he might approach the wall :" at the 
 fame time amongft thefe were interfperfed fome of the meaneft and mofl 
 beggarly phrafes, fuch as " the leader of the army epiftolized his mafter;'* 
 " the foldiers bought utcnfils ;" " they wafhed and waited on them ;" with 
 many other things of the fame kind, like a tragedian with a high cothurnus 
 on one foot, and a flipper on the other. You will meet with many of thefe 
 writers, who will give you a fine heroic long preface, that makes you hope 
 for fomethlng extraordinary to follow, when, after all, the body of the 
 hiftory fhall be Idle, weak, and trifling, fuch as puts you In mind of a foort- 
 ing Cupid, who covers his head with the mafk of a Heicules, or Titan» 
 The reader immediately cries out, the * mountain has brought forth. Cer- 
 tainly it ought not to be fo ; every thing lliould be alike, and of the fame 
 colour ; the body fitted to the head, not a golden helmet, with a ridiculous 
 breaft-plate, made of {linking fkins,fhreds, and patches, a ba/ket fhield, and hoo-- 
 fkin boots ; and yet numbers of them put the head of a Rhodian ColoiTus on 
 the body of a dwarf, vvhilft others fhew you a body without a head, and ftep 
 diredtly into the midfl of things, bringing In Xenophon for their authoritr, 
 who begins with " Darius and Paryfatis had two fons ;" fo likewlfe have 
 other ancient writers ; not confidering that the narration itfelf may fome- 
 times fupply the place of preface, or exordium, though it does not appear 
 to the vulgar eye, as we (hall fhew hereafter. 
 
 All this, however, with regard to flyle and compofition, may be borne 
 with, but when they mifinform us about places, and make miftakcs, not of 
 a few leagues, but whole days journles, what Ihall we fay to fuch hiftorians ? 
 One of them, who never, we may fuppofe, fo much as converfcd with a 
 Syrian, or picked up any thing concerning them in the -j- barber's flioj\ 
 when he fpeaks of Europus, tells us, " it is fituated in Mefopotamia, two 
 days journey from Euphrates, and was built by the Edeflencs." Not content 
 with this, the fame noble writer has taken away my poor countrv, Samo- 
 fata, and carried it off, tower, bulwarks, and all, to Mefopotamia, where 
 
 * 7he mountain.'] The Greek expreffion was proverbial. Horace has adopted it, Parturiunr 
 monies, nafcetur ridiciilus nius. 
 
 f Barber's Jhop,'] Lucian adds, to htyoy.it^r, ut eft in proverbio, by which it appears that bar- 
 bers and their Ihops were as remarkable for goflipping and tittle-tattle in ancient, as they are in 
 modern times. Aridophanes mentions them in his Pliitiis, they are recorded alfo by Plutarch, 
 and Theophraftus flyles them aowa cv^-k*9\x* 
 
 he
 
 400 INSTRUCTIONS for 
 
 he fays It is {hut up between two rivers, which at lecift run clo'*e to, if they 
 do not wafli the walls of it; after this, it would be to no purpofe, my dear 
 Philo, f^r me to affure you that I am not from Parthia, nor do I belong to 
 Mcfopotamia, of which this admirable hiftorian has thought fit to make me 
 an inhabitant. 
 
 What he tells us of Severian, and which he fwears he heard from thofe 
 who were eye-witneffes of it, is, no doubt extremely probable ; that he did 
 not chufc to drink poifon, or to hang himfelf, but was refolved to find out 
 .fome new and tragical way of dying ; that, accordingly, having fome large 
 cups of very fine glafs, as.foon as he had taken the refolution to finifli him- 
 felf, he broke one of them in pieces, and with a fragment of it cut his 
 throat; he would not make ufe of fword or fpcar, that his death might be 
 more noble and heroic. 
 
 To complete all, becaufe * Thucydides made a funeral oration on the 
 heroes who fell at the beginning of the Peloponnefian war, he alfo thought 
 fomething fbould be faid of Severian : thefe hiftorians, you mufl: know, will 
 always have a little ftruggle with Thucydides, though he had nothing to do 
 with the war in Armenia ; our writer, therefore, after burying Severian 
 mod magnificently, places at his fepulchre one Afranius Silo, a centurion, 
 the rival of Pericles, who fpoke fo fine a declamation upon him as, by 
 heaven, made me laugh till I cried again, particularly when the orator 
 feemed deeply affllfted, and, with tears in his eyes, lamented the fumptu- 
 ous entertainments and drinking bouts, which he fliould no more partake 
 of: to crown all with an imitation of f Ajax, the orator draws his fword, 
 and, as it became the noble Afranius, before all the aflembly, kills himfelf 
 at the tomb : fo. Mars defend me ! but he deferved to die much fooner, for 
 making fuch a declamation : when thofe, fays he, who were prefent beheld 
 this, they were filled with admiration, and beyond meafure extolled Afra- 
 nius : for my own parr, 1 pitied him for the lofs of the cakes and diflies 
 which he fo lamented, and only blamed him for not deftroying the writer 
 of the hiftory, before he made an end of himfelf. 
 
 Others there are, who, from ignorance, and want of ikill, not knowing 
 what fliould be mentioned, and what pafled over in filence, entirely omit, 
 or flightly run through things of the greateft confequence, and moft wor- 
 
 • Thucydides.'] See Thucydides, book li. cap. 34, 
 
 f Ajax.] Who fell upon his fword, See the Ajax of Sophocles,
 
 WRITINGHISTORY. 401 
 
 thy of attention, whllft they moft copioufly defcribe and dwell upon 
 trifles; which is jufl: as abfurd as it would be, not to take notice of, or ad- 
 mire the wonderful beauty of the ^ Olympian Jupiter, and at the fame time 
 to be lavifh in our praifes of the fine polifli, workmanfhip, and proportion 
 of the bafe and pedeftal. 
 
 I remember one of thefe, who difpatches the battle at Europus in feven 
 lines, and fpends fome hundreds in a long frigid narration, that is nothing 
 to the purpofe; Ihewing, how '" a certain Moorifh cavalier, wandering on 
 the mountains in fearch of water, lit on fome Syrian ruftics, who helped 
 him to a dinner ; how they were afraid of him at firft, but afterwards be- 
 came Intimately acquainted with him, and received him with hofpitality; 
 for one of them, it feems, had been in Mauritania, where his brother bore 
 arms." Then follows a long tale, " how he hunted in Mauritania, and 
 faw feveral elephants feeding together; how he had like to have been de- 
 voured by a lion ; and how many fifh he bought at Cgefarea." This admir- 
 able hiftorian takes no notice of the battle, the attacks or defences, the truce? 
 the guards on each fide, or any thing elfe; but ftands from morning to 
 night looking upon Malchion, the Syrian, who buys cheap fifh at Csefarea : 
 if night had not come on, I fuppofe, he would have fupped there, as the 
 f chars were ready. If thefe things had not been carefully recorded in the 
 hiftory, we fliould have been fadly in the dark, and the Romans would have 
 had an infufferable lofs, if Maufarcas, the thirfty Moor, could have found 
 nothing to drink, or returned to the camp without his fuppcr; not to men- 
 tion here, what is ftill more ridiculous, as how " a piper came up to them 
 out of the neighbouring village, and how they made prefents to each other, 
 Maufacas giving Malchion a fpear, and Malchion prefenting Maufacas with 
 a buckle.'* Such arc the principal occurrences in the hiftory of the battle of 
 Europus. One may truly fay of fuch writers, that they never faw the rofes 
 on the tree, but took care to gather the prickles that grew at the bottom 
 of it. 
 
 Another of them, who had never fet a foot out of Corinth, or feen Syria 
 or Armenia, begins thus, " it is better to truft our eyes than our ears ; I 
 
 * Olympian Jupiter.] For a defcription of this famous ftatue, fee Paufanias. J 
 f Chars.] The o-xago?, or fcarus, is mentioned by feveral ancient authors, as a fi(h of the 
 Kioft delicate flavour, and is fuppofed to be of the fame nature with our chars in Cumberland, 
 and fome other parts of this kingdom. I have ventured, therefore, to call it by this name, till 
 fome modern Apicius can furnifh me with a better. 
 
 Vol. I. F f f write.
 
 ^2 INSTRUCTIONS FOR 
 
 write, therefore, what I have feen, and not what I have heard ;" he faw 
 every thing fo extremely well, that he tells us, " the Parthian dragons 
 (which amongfl them * fignifies no more than a great number, for one dra- 
 gon brings a thoufand), are live ferpenus, of a prodigious fize, that breed in 
 Perfia, a little above Iberia ; that thefe are lifted up on long poles, and 
 fpread terror to a great diflance ; and that when the battle begins, they let 
 them loofe on the enemy." Many of our foldiers, he tells us, were devour- 
 ed by them, and a vaft number prefTed to death by being locked in their 
 embraces: this he beheld himfelf from the top of a high tree, to which he 
 had retired for fafety. Well it was for us that he fo prudently determined 
 not to come nigh them, we might otherwife have loft this excellent writer, 
 who with his own brave hand performed fuch feats in this battle : for he 
 went through many dangers, and was wounded fome where about Sufa, I 
 fuppofe, in his journey from Cranium to Lerna. All this he recited to ths 
 Corinthians, who very well knew that he had never fo much as feen a view 
 of this battle painted on a wall ; neither did he know any thing of arms, or 
 military machines, the method of difpofmg troops, or f even the proper 
 names of them. 
 
 Another famous writer has given an account of every thing that paffed, 
 from beginning to end, in Armenia, Syria, Mefopotamia, upon the Tigris, 
 and in Media, and all in lefs than five hundred lines, and when he had done 
 this, tells us, he has written a hiftory •, the title, which is almoft as long as 
 the work, runs thus, " a narrative of every thing done by the Romans in 
 Armenia, Media, and Mefopotamia, by Antiochianus, who gained the 
 prize in the lacred games of Apollo." I fuppofe, when he was a boy, he 
 had conquered in a running match. 
 
 I have heard of another likewife, who wrote the hiftory of what I was to 
 happen hereafter, and defcribes the taking of Vologefus prifoner, the mur- 
 iher of Ofroes, and how he was to be given to a lion ; and above all, our 
 
 * 5/V«//7ri, Cs'f.] Dragons, or fiery ferpents, were ufed by the Parthians, and Suidas tells us, 
 by the Scythians alfo, as flandards, in the fame manner as the Romans made ufe of the eagle, 
 and under every one of thefe flandards were a thoufand men. See Lipf. de Mil. Rom. cap. 4. 
 
 f See Arrian. 
 
 X ITas fo haifen.l The idea here fo defervedly laughed at, of a hillory of what was to come, 
 if treated, not ferioufly, as this abfurd writer treated it, but ludicroufly, as Lucian would pro- 
 bably have treated it himfelf, might open a fine field tor wit and humour. Something of this 
 kind appeared in a news-paper a few years ago, which, I think, was called News for a hundred 
 Years hence; and though but a rough fketch, was well executed : a larger work, on the fame 
 ground, and by a good hand, might aftbrd much entertainment. 
 
 own
 
 WRITINGHISTORY. 403 
 
 own much to be wilhed for triumph, as things that mud come to pafs. 
 Thus prophefying away, he foon got to the end of the ftory. He has built, 
 moreover, a new city in Mefopotamia, mod magnificently magnificent, and 
 mofl: beautifully beautiful, and is confidering with himfelf whether he ihall 
 call it Vidtoria, from victory, or the City of Concord, or Peace, which 
 of them, however, is not yet determined, and this fine city mufl remain 
 without a name, filled as it is with nothing but this writer's folly and non- 
 fenfe : he is now going about a long voyage, and to give us a defcri prion of 
 what is to be done in India ; and this is more than a promife, for the pre- 
 face is already made, and the third legion, the Gauls, and a fmall part of 
 the Mauritanian forces under Caffius, have already pafTed the river; what 
 they will do afterwards, or how they will fucceed againft the elephants, it 
 will be fome time before our wonderful writer can be able to learn, either 
 from Mazuris, or the Oxydraci. 
 
 Thus do thefe fooliih fellows trifle with us, neither knowing what is fit 
 to be done, nor if they did, able to execute it, at the fime time determined 
 to fay any thing that comes into their ridiculous heads ; affeding to be grand 
 and pompous, even in their titles : of " the Parthian viftories fo many 
 books;" Parthis, fays another, like Atthis ; another more elegantly calls 
 his book, the Parthonicica of Demetrius. 
 
 I could mention many more of equal merit with thefe, but fliall now pro- 
 ceed to make my promife good, and give fome inflrucftions how to write 
 better. I have not produced thefe examples merely to laugh at and ridicule 
 thefe noble hiflories ; but with the view of real advantages, that he uho 
 avoids their errors, may himfelf learn to write well ; ^ if it be tiue, as the 
 logicians affert, that of two oppofites, between which there is no medium, 
 the one being taken away, the other mufl remain. 
 
 Somebody, perhaps, will tell me, that the field is now cle;.nfed and 
 weeded, that the briars and brambles are cut up, the rubbifh cleared off, 
 and the rough path made fmooth ; that I ought therefore to build fomething 
 myfelf, to fhew that I not only can pull down the ftrudures of others, but 
 am able to raife up and invent a work truly great and excellent, which no- 
 body could find fault with, nor Momus himfelf turn into ridicule. 
 
 • If it bey ts'c] This kind of fcholaftic jargon was much in vogue in the time of Lucian, 
 and it is no wonder he {hould take every opportunity of laughing at it, as nothing can be more 
 oppofite to true genius, wit, and humour, than fuch pedantry. 
 
 F f f 2 I fay.
 
 404 I N S T R U C T I O N S FOR 
 
 I fay, therefore, that he who would write hiftory well muft be poffefTed of 
 thefe two principal qualifications, a fine underftanding, and a good ftyle : 
 one is the gift of nature, and cannot be taught ; the other may be acquired 
 by frequent exercife, perpetual labour, and an emulation of the ancients. 
 To make men fenfible and fagacious, who were not born fo, is more than 1 
 pretend to ; to create and new-model things in this manner, would be a glo- 
 rious thing indeed ; but one might as eafily make gold out of lead, filver 
 out of tin, a * Titornus out of a Conon, or a Milo out of a Leotro- 
 phides. 
 
 What then is in the power of art or inftrudtion to perform ? not to create 
 qualities and perfedlions already bellowed, but to teach the proper ufe of 
 them ; for as -f Iccus, Herodicus, Theon, or any other famous wrefller,^ 
 would not promife to make Antiochus a conqueror in the Olympic games, 
 or equal to a Theagenes, or Polydamas ; but only that where a man had 
 natural abilities for this exercife, he could, by his inftrucftion, render him a 
 greater proficient in it: far be it from me alfo, to promife the invention of 
 an art, fo difficult as this, nor do I fay that I can make any body an hiflorian; 
 but that I will point out to one of good underftanding, and who has been 
 in fome meafure ufed to writing, certain proper paths (if fuch they appear 
 to him), which if any man Ihall tread in, he may, with greater eafe and 
 difpatch, do what he ought to do, and attain the end which he is in pur- 
 fuit of. 
 
 Neither can it be here aflerted, be he ever fo fenfible or fagacious, that he 
 doth not {land in need of affiftance, with regard to thofe things which he is 
 ignorant of; otherwife he might play on the flute, or any other inftrument, 
 who had never learned, and perform juft as well ; but without teaching, the 
 
 * J Titornus, ^c] Milo, the Crotonian wreftler, is reported to have been a manofmoft 
 wonderful bodily ftrength, concerning which a number of lies are told, for which the reader, 
 ifhepleafes, may confult his didionary. He loft his life, we are informed, by trying to rend 
 with liis hands an old oak, which wedged him in, and preffed him to death. The poet fays, 
 
 he met his end, 
 
 Wedg'd in that timber, which heftrove to rend. 
 
 Titornus was a rival of Milo's, and, according to -(Elian, who is not always to be credited, 
 rolled a large Hone with eafe, which Milo with all his force could not ftir. Conon was fome 
 llim Macaroni of that age, remarkable only for his debility, as was Leotrophides alfo, of crazy 
 memory, recorded by Ariftophanes, in his comedy, called the Birds, 
 
 f Iccus, fe'r.] The Broughtons of antiquity; men, we may fuppofe, renowned in their time 
 for teaching the young nobility of Greece to bruife one another fccundum artcm, 
 
 hands
 
 WRITINGHISTORY. 405 
 
 hands will do nothing; whereas, if there be a mafter, we quickly learn, 
 and are foon able to play by ourfelves. 
 
 Give me a fcholar, therefore, who is able to think and to write, to look 
 with an eye of difcernment into things, and to do bufinefs himfelf, if called 
 upon, who hath both civil and military knowlege ; one, moreover, who 
 has been in camps, and has feen armies in the field and out of it, knows 
 the ufe of arms, and machines, and warlike engines of every kind ; can tell 
 what the front, and what the horn is, how the ranks are to be difpofed, 
 how the horfe is to be diredled, and from whence, to advance or to retreat ; 
 one, in Ihort, who does not flay at home, and truft to the reports of others : 
 but, above all, let him be of a noble and liberal mind ; let him neither fear 
 nor hope for any thing; otherwife he will only refemble thofe unjufl judges, 
 who determine from partiality or prejudice, and give fentence for hire ; but, 
 whatever the man is, as fuch let him be defcribed ; the hiftorian muft not 
 care for Philip, when he lofes his eye by the arrow of * After, at Olynthus, 
 nor for Alexander, when he fo cruelly killed Clytus at the banquet : Cleon 
 muft not terrify him, powerful as he was in the fenate, and fupreme at the 
 tribunal, nor prevent his recording him as a furious and pernicious man ; 
 the whole city of Athens muft not ftop his relation of the Sicilian daughter, 
 the feizure of f Demofthenes, the death of Nicias, their violent thirft, the 
 water which they drank,, and the death of fo many of them whilft they were 
 drinking it; he will imagine (which will certainly be the cafe), that no man 
 in his fenfes will blame him for recording things exadtly as they fell out ; 
 however fome may have mifcarried by imprudence, or others by ill fortune, 
 he is only the relator, not the author of them ; if they are beaten in a fea- 
 fight, it is not he who finks them j if they fly, it is not he who purfues 
 them ; all he can do is to wilh well to, and offer up his vows for them ; but 
 by paffing over, or contradiding fads, he cannot alter or amend them. It 
 would have been very eafy, indeed, for Thucydides, with a ftroke of his 
 pen, to have thrown down the walls of Epipolis, funk the vefl~el of Hermo- 
 crates, or made an end of the execrable Gylippus, who ftopped up all the 
 avenues with his walls and ditches, to have thrown the Syracufians on the 
 Lautumise, and have let the Athenians go round Sicily and Italy, according 
 
 * JJier.] See Diodorus Siculus, lib. vii. and Plutarch. 
 
 t Demopje^es.] Concerning fome of thefe fads, even recent as they were then with regard 
 to us hiftorians are divided. Thucydides and Plutarch tell the ftory one way, Diodorus and 
 lulVin another. Well might our author, therefore, find fault with their uncertainty.
 
 4o6 INSTRUCTIONS for 
 
 to the early hopes of Alcibiades : but what is pail and done Clotho cannot 
 weave agahi, nor Atropos recall. 
 
 The only bufinefs of the hiftorian is to relate things exadtly as they are : 
 this he can never do as long as he is afraid of Artaxerxes, whofe * phyfician 
 he is ; as long as he looks for the purple robe, the golden chain, or the 
 f Nifsan horfe, as the reward of his labours; but Xenophon, thatjuft 
 writer, will not do this, nor Thucydides. The good hiftorian, though he 
 may have private enmity againfl any man, will efleem the public welfare 
 of more confequence to him, and will prefer truth to refentment; and, on 
 the other had, be he ever fo fond of any man, will not fpare him when he 
 is in the wrong ; for this, as I before obferved, is the moft elTential thing in 
 hiftory, to facrifice to truth alone, and call away all care for every thing elfe. 
 The great univerfal rule and ftandard is, to have regard not to thofe who 
 read now, but to thofe who are to perufe our works hereafter. 
 
 To fpeak impartially, the hiftorians of former times were too often guilty 
 of flattery, and their works were little better than games and fports, the 
 effefts of art. Of Alexander, this memorable faying is recorded, '^ I Ihould 
 be glad (faid he), Oneficritus, after my death, to come to life again for a 
 little time, only to hear what the people then living will fay of me : for I 
 am not furprifed that they praife and carefs me now, as every one hopes by 
 baiting well to catcli my favour.*^ Though Homer wrote a great many fa- 
 bulous things concerning Achilles, the world was induced to believe him, 
 for this only reafon, becaufe they were written long after his death, and no 
 caufe could be affigned why he fhould tell lies about him. 
 
 J: The good hiftorian then muft be thus defcribed : he mufl be fearlefs, 
 uncorrupted, free, the friend of truth and of liberty, one who, to ufe the 
 words of the comic poet, calls a § fig a fig, and a fkiff a Ikiff, neither giv- 
 ing 
 
 * Fhyfic'ian.'\ Lucian alludes, it is fuppdfed, to Ctefias, the phyfician to Artaxerxes, whofe 
 birtory is lluffed with encomiums on his royal patron. See Plutarch's Artaxerxes, 
 
 + N if a an horfe.'] The Campus Nifeus, a large plain in Media, near the Cafpian mountains, 
 v;as famous for breeding the fined: horfes, which were allotted to the ufe of kings only ; or ac- 
 cording to Xenophon, thofe favourites on whom the fovereign thought proper to bellow them. 
 See the Cyropaed. book viii. 
 
 X The good hijlor'um^ tffc] This fine piclure of a good hiftorian has been copied by Tully, 
 Strabo, Polybius, and other writers ; it is a ftandard of perfeftion, however, which few writers, 
 ancient or modern, have been able to reach. Thuanus hub prefixed to his hiftory thefe 
 llnesof Lucian ; but whether he, or any other hiftorian, hath anfvvcred in every point to the 
 defcription here given, is, I believe, yet undetermined. 
 
 § A fig ^figi ^"^-l 'The faying is attributed to Ariftophanes, though I cannot find it there. 
 
 It
 
 W R I T I N G H I S T O R Y. 407 
 
 ingtior vvkh-holding from any, from favour, or from enmity, not influenced 
 by pity^ by fhame, or by remorfe ; ajuftjudge, fo far benevolent to all, as 
 never to give more than is due to any in his work : a flranger to all, of no 
 country, bound only by his own laws, acknowleging no fovercign, never 
 confidering what this or that man may fay of him, but relating faithfully 
 every thing as it happened. 
 
 This rule therefore Thucydides obferved, diftinguifhing properly the faults 
 and perfecftions of hiftory ; not unmindful of the great reputation which He- 
 rodotus had acquired, infomuch that his * books were called by the names 
 of the Mufes. Thucydides tells us, that he " wrote for pofterity, and not 
 for prefent delight ; that he by no means approved of the fabulous, but was 
 defirous of delivering down the truth alone to future ages." It is the ufeful 
 he adds, which muft conftitute the merit of hiftory, that by the retro- 
 fpedtion of what is pad, when fimilar events occur, men may know how to 
 adl in prefent exigencies. 
 
 Such an hiftorian would I wifh to have under my care: with regard to 
 language and expreflion, I would not have it rough, and vehement, confift- 
 ing of f long periods, or complex arguments ; but foft, quiet, fmooth, and 
 peaceable. The refledions fhort and frequent, the flyle clear and perfpicu- 
 ous : for as freedom and truth iliould be the principal perfedions of the 
 writer's mind ; fo, with regard to language, the great point is, to make every 
 thing plain and intelligible, not to ufe remote and far-fetched phrafes, or ex- 
 preflions, at the fame time avoiding fuch as are mean and vulgar ; let it be, 
 in fhort, what the lovveft may underftand ; and, at the fame time, the mofi: 
 learned cannot but approve. The whole may be adorned uith figure and 
 metaphor, provided they are not turgid or bombafl, nor feem ft ff and la- 
 boured, which, like meat too highly leafoned, always give difgufl. 
 
 his obfervable that this proverbial kind of expreflion, for freedom of words and fentiments, has 
 been adopted into ahnoll every language, though the image conveying it is different. 'Ihus the 
 Greeks call a fig a fig, &;c. We lay, an honefl man calls— a fpade a fpade ; and the French call 
 un chat un chat. — Boileau fays, j'appelle un chat un chat, and Rolet un fripon. 
 
 * Booh.'] Herodotus's hillory is comprehended in nine books, to each of which is prefixed 
 the name of aMufe; the fiiil is called Clio, the fecond Euterpe, and fo on. A modern poet, I 
 have been told, the ingenious Mr. Aaron Hill, improved upon this thought, and chri!lened(if 
 we may properly fo call it) not his books, but his daughters by the fame poetical names of 
 Mifs Cli. MifsMelpy, Mifs Terpf-y, Mi fs Urania, &c. 
 
 t Long periotis.] Both Thucydides and Livyare reprehenfible in this particular; and the fame 
 objedionmayberaadetoThuauus, Clarendon, Burnet, and many other modern hiftoriaas. 
 
 Hiaof/
 
 408 INSTRUCTIONS for 
 
 Hiftory may fometimes aflume a poetical form, and rife into a magnifi- 
 cence of expreffion, when the fubjedt demands it; and efpecially when it is 
 defcribing armies, battles, and fea-fights. The * Pierian fpirit is wanting 
 then to fwell the fails with a propitious breeze, and carry the lofty Ihip over 
 the tops of the waves. In general, the didtion fhould creep humbly on the 
 ground, and only be raifed as the grand and beautiful occurring ihall require 
 it; keeping, in the mean time, within proper bounds, and never foaring into 
 cnthufiafm ; for then it is in danger of ranging beyond its limits, into poetic 
 fury: we muft then pull in the rein, and acl with caution, well knowing that 
 it is the worfl vice of a writer, as well as of a horfe, to be wanton and un- 
 manageable. The bell way therefore is, whilft the mind of the hiftorian is 
 on horfeback, for his flyle to walk on foot, and take hold of the rein, that 
 it may not be left behind. 
 
 With regard to compofition, the words fhould not be fo blended and tranf- 
 pofed as to appear harfh and uncouth ; nor Ihould you, as fome do, fubjedt 
 them entirely to the -j- rhythmus ; one is always faulty, and the other dif-^ 
 agreeable to the reader. 
 
 Fads muft not be carelefsly put together, but with gre^f labour and atten- 
 tion ; if poflible, let the hiftorian be an eye-witnefs of e ;e.ry thing he means to 
 record : or, if that cannot be, rely on thofe only who are uncoirupt, and who 
 have no biafs from paffion or prejudice, to add or to diminifti any thing. 
 And here much fagacity will be requifite to find out the real truth. When 
 he has collected all, or moft of his materials, he will firft make a kind of 
 diary, a body whofe members are not yet diftindt ; he will then bring it into 
 order and beautify it, add the colouring of ftyle and language, adopt his 
 expreffion to the fubjeft, and harmonize the feveral parts of it ; then, like 
 Homer's j; Jupiter, who cafts his eye fometimes on the Thracian, and fome- 
 times on the Myfian forces ; he beholds now the Roman, and now the Per- 
 fian armies, now both, if they are engaged, and relates what pafles in them. 
 
 * Pierian fpirit.'] How j lift is this obfervation of Lucian*s, and at the fame time how truly 
 poetical is the image which he makes ufe of to exprefs it ! Jt puts us in mind of his rival critic 
 Longinus, who, as Pope has obierved,— is himfclf the great fublime he draws. 
 
 f The Rythmus.'] By this very juft obfervation, Lucian means to cenfure all thofe writers, 
 and we have many fuch now amongft us, vvho take fo much pains to fmooth and round their pe- 
 riods, as to difguft their readers by the frecjuent repetition of it, as it naturally produces a tire- 
 fome famenefs in the found of them j and at the fame time difcovers too much that laborious 
 art and care, which it is always the author's bufuiefs, as much as poffible, to conceal. 
 
 t Jupiter.'] See Homer's II. B.xlii. 1. 4. 
 
 * Whilft
 
 \V R I T I N G H I S T O R Y. 409 
 
 VVhilft they are embatteled, his eye is not fixed on any particular part, nor 
 on any one leader, unlefs, perhaps, a * Brafidas fleps forth to fcale the walls, 
 or a Demofthenes to prevent him. To the generals he gives his firft atten- 
 tion, liftens to their commands, their counfcls, and their determination : 
 and, when they come to the engagement, he weighs in equal fcaie the ac- 
 tions of both, and clofely attends the purfuer and the purfued, the conqueror 
 and the conquered. All this muft be done with temper and moderation, {o 
 as not to fatiare or tire, not inartificially, not childillily, but with eafc and 
 grace. When thefe things are properly taken care of, he may turn afide to 
 others, ever ready and prepared for the prefent event, f keeping rime, as 
 it were, with every circumflance and event : flying from Armenia to Media, 
 and from thence with clattering wings to Italy, or to Iberia, that not a mo- 
 ment may efcape him. 
 
 The mind of the hiftorian fhould refemble a looking-glafs, ihining, clear, 
 and exadtly true, reprefenting every thing as it really is, and nothing diftort- 
 ed, or of a different form, or colour. He writes not to the mailers of elo- 
 quence, but fimply relates what is done : it is not his to confider what he 
 fhall fay, but only how it is to be faid. He may be compared to Phidias, 
 Praxiteles, Alcamenus, or other eminent artifts ; for neither did they make 
 the gold, the filver, the ivory, or any of the materials which they worked 
 upon : thefe werefupplied by the Elians, the Athenians, and Argives ; their 
 only bulinefs was to cut and poHlh the ivory, to fpread the gold into various 
 f^orms, and join them together; their art was properly to difpofe what was 
 put into their hands : and fuch is the work of the hiflorians, to difpofe and 
 adorn the adtions of men, and to make them known with clearnefs, and pre- 
 cifion. To reprefent what he hath heard, as if he had been himfelf an eye- 
 witnefs of it. To perform this well, and gain the praife refulting from it, 
 is the bufinefs of our hiftorical Phidias. 
 
 When every thing is thus prepared, he may begin if he pleafes without 
 preface or exordium, unlefs the fubjedl particularly demands it; he may 
 fupply the place of one, by informing us what he intends to write upon, in 
 the beginning of the work itfelf : if, however, he makes ufe of any preface, 
 
 * Bra/tdasJ] The famous Lacedaemonian general. The circumflance alluded to, is in Thu- 
 cydides. B. iv. 
 
 f Keeping time.'] Gr. o/*oxpoir£»To, a technical term, borrowed from mufic, and fignifying that 
 tone of the voice which exactly correfponds with the inftrumeat accompanying it. 
 
 Vol. I. Ggg he
 
 ^io INSTRUCTIONS FOR 
 
 he need not divide it as our orators do, into three parts, but confine it to 
 two, leaving out his addrefs to the benevolence of his readers, and only fo- 
 liciting their attention and complacency : their attention he may be affured 
 of, if he can convince them that he is about to fpeak of things great, or ne- 
 cefTary, or interefting, or ufeful ; nor need he fear their v^ant of complacen- 
 cy, if he clearly explains to them the caufes of things, and gives them the 
 heads of what he intends to treat of. 
 
 Such are the exordiums which our bed hiftorians have made ufe of. He- 
 rodotus tells us, " he wrote his hiftory, left in procefs of time the memory 
 Ihould be loft of thofe things which in themfelves were great and wonderful, 
 which ftiewed forth the vidories of Greece, and the flaughter of the barbar- 
 ians ;" and Thucydides fets out with faying, " he thought that war moft 
 worthy to be recorded, as greater than any which had before happened ; and 
 that moreover, fome of the greateft misfortunes had accompanied it." The 
 exordium, in ftiort, may he lengthened or contracted according to the fub- 
 jedt matter, and the tranfition from thence to the narration, eafy and natural. 
 The body of the hiftory is only a long narrative, aud as fuch it muft go on 
 with a foft and even motion, alike in every part, fo that nothing Ihould ftand 
 too forward, or retreat too far behind. Above all, the ftyle ihould be clear 
 and perfpicuous, which can only arife, as I before obferved, from a harmony 
 in the compofuion : one thing perfedied, the next which fucceeds fliould be 
 coherent with it ; knit together, as it were, by one common chain, which 
 muft never be broken : they muft not be fo many feparate and diftind nar- 
 ratives, but each fo clofely united to what follows, as to appear one continu- 
 
 ed feries. 
 
 Brevity is always neceflary, efpecially when you have a great deal to fay, 
 and this muft be proportioned to the fads and circumftances which you have 
 to relate. In general, you muft flightly run through little things, and dwell 
 longer on great ones. When you treat your friends, you give them boars^ 
 hares, and other dainties ; you would not offer them beans, * faperda, or 
 any other common food. 
 
 When you defcribe mountains, rivers, and bulwarks, avoid all pomp and 
 oftentation, as if you meant to Ihew your own eloquence ; pafs over thefe 
 things as flightly as you can, and rather aim at being ufeful and intelligible. 
 
 * Saperda.'] A coarfe fi(h that came from Pontus, or the Black Sea, 
 
 Saperdas advehe Ponto. See Perf, Sat, v, 1, 1540 
 
 Ob-
 
 WRITING HISTORY. ^u 
 
 Obferve how the great and fublime Homer ads on thefe occafions ; as great a 
 poet as he is, he fays nothhig about Tantalus, Ixion, Tityus, and the reft 
 of them. Bur, if Parthenius, Euphorion, or Callimachus, had treated 
 ■this fubjedr, what a nnmber of verfes they would have fpent in rolling Ixion 's 
 wheel, and bringing the water up to the very lips of Tantalus ! Mark alfo, 
 how quickly Thucydides, who is very ^ fparing of his defcriptions, breaks 
 off, when he gives an account of any military machine, explains the manner 
 of a iiege, even though it be ever fo ufeful and necelTary, or defcribes cities, 
 or the port of Syracufe. Even in his narrative of the plague, which feems 
 fo long, if you coniider the multiplicity of events, you will find he makes 
 as much hafte as poflible, and omits many circumftances, though he was ob- 
 liged to retain fo many more. 
 
 When it is neceffary to make any one fpeak, you muft take care to let him 
 fay nothing but what is fuitable to the perfon, and to what he fpeaks about, 
 and let every thing be clear and intelligible : here, indeed, you may be per- 
 mitted to play the orator, and fhew the power of eloquence. With regard 
 to praife, or difpraife, you cannot be too modeft and circumfped ; they 
 Ihould be ftri<ftly juft and impartial, ihort and feafonable : your evi» 
 dence, otherwife, will not be confidered as legal, and you will incur the 
 (^me cenfure as -f- Theopompus did, who finds fault with every body from 
 enmity and ill-nature ; and dwells fo perpetually on this, that he fcems ra- 
 ther to be an accufcr, than an hiftorian. 
 
 If any thing occurs that is very extraordinary or incredible, y®u may men- 
 tion without vouching for the truth of it, leaving every body to judge for 
 themfelves concerning it : by taking no part yourfelf, you will remain 
 fafe. 
 
 Remember, above all, and throughout your work, again and again, I 
 muft repeat it, that you write not with a view to the prefent times only : that 
 the age you live in may applaud and efteem you, but with an eye fixed on 
 pofterity ; from future ages expcd your reward, that men may fay of you, 
 '' that man was full of honeft freedom, never flattering or fervile, but in all 
 
 * Sparing.'] Here doftors differ. Several of Thucydides's defcriptions are certainly very lon<^ 
 many of them, perhaps, rather tedious. 
 
 f Theopompus.] Lucian is rather fevere on this writer. Ciceroonly fays, De omnibus omnia 
 libere palam dixit ; he fpoke freely of every body. Other writers, however, are of the fame 
 opinion with our fatirift with regard to him. See Dionf. Plutarch. Cornelius Nepos, &c. 
 
 G g g a things
 
 412 I N S T R U C T I O N S, &c. 
 
 things the friend of truth." This commendation, the wife man will prefer 
 to all the vain hopes of this life, which are but of Ihort duration. 
 
 RecoUedt the ftory of the Cnidian architedt, when he built the tower in 
 Pharos, where the fire is kindled to prevent mariners from running on the 
 dangerous rocks of Paratonia, that mofl noble and moft beautiful of all 
 works; he carved his own name on a part of the rock on the infide, then 
 covered it over with mortar, and infcribed on it the name of the reigning 
 fovereign : well knowing that, as it afterwards happened, in a fliort fpace 
 of time thefe letters would drop off with the mortar, and difcover under it 
 this infcription, " Softratus the Cnidian, fon of Dexiphanes, to thofe gods 
 who preferve the mariner." Thus had he regard not to the times he lived in, 
 not to Kis own fliort exiftence, but to the prefent period, and to all future 
 ages, even as long as his tower Ihall ftand, and his art remain upon earth. 
 
 Thus alfo fliould hiftory be written, rather anxious to gain the approba- 
 tion of pofterity by truth and merit, than to acquire prefent applaufe, by 
 adulation and falfehood. 
 
 Such are the rules which 1 would prefcribe to the hiftorian, and which 
 will contribute to the perfedtion of his work, if he thinks proper to obfervc 
 them ; if not, at leaft, I have * rolled my tub. 
 
 * Rolled my tuh.^ Alluding to the flory of Diogenes, a& related in the beginning.
 
 THE 
 
 TRUE HISTORY, 
 
 BOOK I. 
 
 LuciAN*s True Hiftory is, as the Author himfelf acknowleges hi the Preface to iff 
 a Collegian of ingenious Lies, calculated principally to amufe the Reader, not with' 
 out fever al Alluftons, as he informs us, to the Works of ancient Poets, Hijlorians, 
 and Philofophers, as zvell as, mojl probably, the Performances of contemporary 
 PVriters, whofe Abfurdities are either obliquely glanced at, or openly ridiculed and 
 expofed. We cannot hut lament that the Humour of the great eji Part of thefe 
 Allujions mvjl be loji to us, the works themfehes being long fince buried in Obli- 
 vion» Lucian's True Hiftory, therefore, like the Duke of Buckingham's 
 Rehearfal, cannot be halffo agreeable as when it wasfirjl written ', there is, how- 
 ever, enough remaining to fecure it from contempt. The Fein of rich Fancy, and 
 Wtldnefs of a luxuriant Imagination, which run through the whole, fufficiently 
 point out the Author as a Man of uncommon Genius and Invention. The Reader 
 ■ will eaftly perceive that Bergerac, Swift, and other Writers have read this Work 
 of Lucian'Sj and are much indebted to him for it, 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 AS athletics of all kinds hold it neceflary, not only to prepare the bodr 
 by exercife and difcipline, but fometimes to give it proper relaxation, 
 which they efteem no lefs requifite, fo do I think it highly neccffary alfo for 
 men of letters, after their fevererfludies, to relax a little, that they may return 
 to them with the greater pleafure and alacrity ; and for this purpofc there is 
 no better repofe than that which arifes from the reading of fuch books as 
 not only, by their humour and pleafantry, may entertain them, but convey 
 at the fame time fome ufeful inftrudion, both which, I flatter myfelf, the 
 reader will meet with in the following hiftory ; for he will not only be pleafed 
 with the novelty of the plan, and the variety of lies, which I have told with 
 an air of truth, but with the tacit allufions fo frequently made, not, I iruft, 
 without fome degree of humour, to our ancient poets, hiftorians, and phi- 
 lofophers, who have told us fome mod miraculous and incredible ftcries, 
 and which I fliould have pointed out to you, but that 1 thought they would 
 
 be fufficiently vifible on the perufal. 
 
 Ctcnas,
 
 4i:<. The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 
 
 Ctefias, the Cnidian, fon of Cteliochus, wrote an account of India, and 
 of thino-s there, which he never faw himfelf, nor heard from any body elfe. 
 lambulus alfo has acquainted us with many winders which he met with in 
 the great fea, and which every body knew to be abfolute faifehoods : the 
 work, however, was not unentertaining. Befides thefe, many others have 
 likwife prefented us with their own travels and peregrinations, where they 
 tell us of wondrous large beafts, favage men, and unheard-of ways of living. 
 The great leader and maftcr of all this rhodomontade is Homer's Ulyffes, 
 who talks to Alcinous about the * winds pent up in bags, man-eaters, and 
 one-eyed Cyclops, wild men, creatures with many heads, feveralof his com- 
 panions turned into beafts by enchantment, and a thoufand things of this 
 kind, which he related to the ignorant and credulous Phaacians. 
 
 Thefe, notwithftanding, I cannot think much to blame for their faife- 
 hoods, feeing that the cuftom has been fometimes authorifed, even by the 
 pretenders to philofophy : I only wonder that they Ihould ever expedl to be 
 believed : being, however, myfelf incited, by a ridiculous vanity, with the 
 defire of tranfmitting fomething to pofterity, that I may not be the only man 
 who doth not indulge himfelf in the liberty of fidlion, as I could not relate 
 any thing true (for I know of nothing at prefent worthy to be recorded), I 
 turned my thoughts towards falfehood, a fpecies of it, however, much more 
 excufable than that of others, as I fhall at leaft fay one thing true, when I 
 tell you that I lye, and fhall hope to efcape the general cenfure, by acknow- 
 leging that I mean to fpeak not a word of truth throughout. Know ye, 
 therefore, that I am going to write about what I never faw myfelf, nor ex- 
 perienced, nor fo much as heard from any body elfe, and, what is 
 more, of fuch things as neither are, nor ever can be. I give my readers 
 warning, therefore, not to believe me. 
 
 * ONCE upon a time (then), I fet fail from the Pillars of Hercules, and 
 getting into theWeftern Ocean, fet off with a favourable wind; the caufe of 
 
 • Winds, ^c] See Homer's Odyfley — The ftrange ftories which Lucian here mentions, 
 may certainly be numbered, with all due deference to fo great a name, amongft the nugae ca- 
 norse of old Homer. Juvenal certainly confiders them in this light, when he fays, 
 
 Tarn vacui capitis populum Phaeaca putavit. 
 Some modern critics, however, have endeavoured to defend them. 
 
 f Once upon, tsfr.] Here the hlftory begins, what goes before may be conlidered as the au- 
 Uior's preface, and Ihould have been marked as fuch in the original. 
 
 my
 
 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 415 
 
 my peregrination was no more than a certain impatience of mind, and thirft 
 after novelty, with a defire of knowing where tjie fea ended, and what kind 
 of men inhabited the feveral (hores of it ; for this purpofe I laid in a large 
 llockof provifion, and as much water as I thou ht neceflary, taking along 
 with me fifty companions of the fame mind as myfelf. I prepared withal, a 
 number of arms, with a fkilfuU pilot, whom we hired at a confiderable ex- 
 pence, and made our fhip (for it was a pinnace), as tight as we could in 
 cafe of a long and dangerous voyage. 
 
 We failed on with a profperous gale for a day and a night, but being dill 
 in fight of land, did not make any great way; the next day, however, at 
 fun-rifing, the wind fpringing up, the waves ran high, it grew dark, and we 
 could not unfurl a fail ; we gave ourfelves up to the winds and waves, and 
 were toffed about in a ftorm, which raged with great fury for threefcore and 
 nineteen days, but on the eightieth the fun Ihone bright, and we faw not far 
 from us an ifland, high and woody, with the fea round it quite calm and 
 placid, for the ftorm was over : we landed, got out, and happy to efcape 
 from our troubles, laid ourfelves down on the ground for fome time, after 
 which we arafe, and chufing out thirty of our company to take care of 
 the veflel, I remained an fhore with the other twenty, in order to take a 
 view of the interior part of the ifland. 
 
 About three ftadia from the fea, as we paffed through a wood, we found a 
 pillar of brafs, with a Greek infcription on it, the chara<fters almofl effaced ; 
 we could make out however thefe words, *' thus far came Hercules and Bac- 
 chus :" near it were the marks of two footfteps on a rock, one of them mea- 
 fured about an acre, the other fomething lefs ; the fmaller one appeared to 
 me to be that of Bacchus, the larger that of Hercules; we paid our adora- 
 tions to the deities, and proceeded. We had not got far before we met with 
 a river, which feemed exa<ftly to refemble wine, particularly that of ■'^ Chios : 
 it was of a vaft extent, and in many places navigable ; this circumftance in- 
 duced us to give more credit to the infcription on the pillar, when we per- 
 
 * Of Chios.'] Among the Greek wines, fo much admired by ancient Epicures, thofe of the 
 iflands of the Archipelago were the mod celebrated, and of thcfe the Chian wine, the produ<5l 
 of Chios, bore away the palm from every other, and particularly that which was made from 
 vines growing on the mountain called Arevifia, in teftimony of which it were eafy, if neceflary, 
 to produce an amphora full of clafiical quotations. 
 
 The prefent inhabitants of that ifland make a fmall quantity of excellent wine for their own 
 ufe, and arc liberal of it to ftrangcrs who travel that way, but dare not, being under Turkifti 
 government, cultivate the vines well, or export the produ(5t of them. 
 
 ceived
 
 41^ The TRUE HISTORY, 
 
 ceived fuch vifible marks of Bacchus's prefence here. As I had a mind to 
 know whence this river fprung, I went back to the place from which it 
 feemed to arife, but could not trace the fpring; I found, however, feveral 
 large vines full of grapes, at the root of every one the wine flowed in great 
 abundance, and from them, I fuppofe the river was collcded. We faw a 
 great quantity of fifh in it, which were extremely like wine, both in tafte 
 and colour, and after we had taken and eat a good many of them we found 
 ourfelves intoxicated ; and when we cut them up, obferved that they were 
 full of grape ftones ; it occurred to us afterwards that we fliould have mixed 
 them with fome water filh, as by themfelves they tailed rather too ftrong 
 of the wine. 
 
 We pafTed the river in a part of it which was fordable, and a little farther 
 on met with a molt wonderful fpecies of vine, the bottoms of them that 
 touched the earth were green and thick, and all the upper part moft beauti- 
 ful women, with the limbs perfe(fl from the waift, only that from the tops 
 of the fingers branches fprung out full of grapes, juft as Daphne is reprefent- 
 ed as turned into a tree when Apollo laid hold on her; on the head, likewife, 
 inftead of hair they had leaves and tendrils ; when we came up to them they 
 addrefled us, fome in the Lydian tongue, fome in the Indian, but moft of 
 them in Greek ; they faluted us alfo, and, which was remarkable, whoever 
 they kilTed reeled about as if he was drunk ; they would not fuffer us to tafte 
 their grapes, but when any body attempted it, cried out as if they were 
 
 * hurt. 
 
 We left them and returned to our companions in the Ihip, to whom we 
 related every thing that had happened to us, not forgetting our little intrigue 
 with the vines. We then took our cafks, filled fome of them with wa- 
 ter, and fome with wine from the river, flept one night on Ihore, and the 
 next morning fet fail, the wind being very moderate. About noon, the ifland 
 being now out of fight, on a fudden a moft violent whirlwind arofe, and 
 carried the fliip above three thoufand ftadia, lifting it up above the water, 
 from whence it did not let us down again into the feas but kept us -f- fufpcnded 
 in mid air, in this manner we hung for feven days and nights, and on the 
 
 * Hurt.'] Here two or three lines are purpofely omitted in the tranllation, the learned reader 
 who looks into the original will fee the reafon of it. 
 
 •f- SuJpendeJ.} In the fame manner as Gulliver's ifland of Laputa. — From this paflage it is not 
 improbable but that Swift borrowed the iiiea, 
 
 eighth,
 
 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 417 
 
 eighth, beheld a large trad of land, like an ifland, * round, fhining, and 
 remarkably full of light; we got on fhore, and found on examination that it 
 was cultivated, and full of inhabitants, though we could not then fee any of 
 them, as night came on. Other iflands appeared, fome large, others fmall, 
 and of a fiery colour; there was alfo below thefe another land with feas, 
 woods, mountains, and cities in it, and this we took to be our native coun- 
 try : as we were advancing forwards, we were feized on a fuddcn by the 
 t Hippogypi, for fo it feems they were called by the inhabitants ; thefe Hip- 
 pogypi are men carried upon vulturs, which they ride as we do horfes : 
 thefe vulturs have each three heads, and are immenfely large : you may 
 judge of their fize, when I tell you that one of their feathers is bigger rhan 
 the maft of a fhip. The Hippogypi have orders, It feems, to fly round 
 the kingdom, and if they find any ftranger, to bring him to the king: they 
 took us, therefore, and carried us before him : as foon as he faw us, he 
 guefled by our garb what we were; You are Grecians, faid he, are ye not? 
 We told him we were : and how, added he, got ye hither through the air ? 
 we told him every thing that had happened to us ; and he, in return, relat- 
 ed to us his own hiftory, and informed us, that he alfo was a man, that his 
 name v/as J Endymion, that he had been taken away from our earth In his 
 fleep, and brought to this place where he reigned as fovereign. That || fpot, 
 he told us, which now looked like a moon to us, was the earth. He defined 
 us withal, not to make ourfelves uneafy, for that we Ihould foon have everv 
 thing we wanted. If I fucceed, fays he, in the war which I am now en- 
 gaged in againfl the inhabitants of the Sun, you will be very happy here. 
 V/e afked him then, what enemies he had, and what the quarrel was about ? 
 
 * Round, JJnn'ingy fe'i.] The account which Lucian here gives us of his vifit to the moon 
 perhaps, fuggefted to Bergferac, the idea of his ingenious work, called, A Vojage to the Moon, 
 
 •j- Hippogypl.'l Equi vuliures, horfe vulturs j from Itttoj, a horfe ; and yvvj/, a vultLire. 
 
 X Endyviion.'\ Lucian, we fee, has founded his hiftory on matter of faft. Endymion, we 
 all know, was a king of Elis, though fome call him a (hcpherd. Shepherd or kincr, however, 
 he was fo handfome, that the moon, who faw him fleeping on mount Latmos, fell in love with 
 him. This no orthodox heathen ever doubted : Lucian, who was a free-thinker, laughs in- 
 deed, at the tale. But has made him ample amends in this hiftory, by creating him emperor 
 of the moon^ 
 
 11 That fpot. '\ Modern aftronomers are, I think, agreed, that we are to the moon juft the 
 fame as the moon is to us. Though Lucian's hiftory may be falfe, therefore his phiiofophy, we 
 fee, was true. 
 
 Vol. L H h h Phaeton,
 
 4i8 TheTRUEHISTORY. 
 
 Phaeton, he replied, who is king of the Sun, (for that * is inhabited as well 
 as the moon,) has been at war with us for fome time pafl ; the foundation of 
 it was this; I had formerly an intention of fending fome of the pooreft of 
 my fubjedts to eflablifh a colony in Lucifer, which was uninhabited : but 
 Phaeton, out of envy, put a flop to it, by oppofing me in the mid-way with 
 his ■!• Hippomyrmices; we were overcome and dcfifted, our forces at that 
 time being unequal to theirs : I have now, however, refolved to renew the 
 war, and fix my colony; if }^ou have a mind, you Ihall accompany us in the 
 expedition ; I will furnifh you every one with a royal vultur, and other ac- 
 coutrements ', we Ihall fet out to-morrow. With all my heart, faid I, when- 
 ever you pleafe. We flaid, however, and fupped with him ; and rifing 
 early the next day, proceeded with the army, when the fpies gave us notice- 
 that the enemy was approaching. The army confifted of a hundred thou» 
 fand, befides the fcouts, and engineers, together with the auxiliaries, amongfi:: 
 whom, were eighty thoufand Hippogypi, and twenty thoufand who were 
 mounted on the X Lachanopteri ; thefe are very large birds, whofe feathers- 
 are of a kind of herb, and whofe wings look like lettuces. Next to thefe- 
 flood the § Cinchroboli, and the || Schorodomachi. Our allies from the 
 north, were three thoufand ^fPfy Ho toxotoe, and five thoufand ** Anemodromi;. 
 the former take their names from the fleas which they ride upon, every flea 
 being as big as twelve elephants ; the latter are foot-foldiers, and are carried' 
 about in the air without wings, in this manner ; they have large gowns hang- 
 ing down to their feet, thefe they tuck up, and fpread in the form of a fail,, 
 and the wind drives them about like fo many boats : in the battle they gene- 
 rally wear targets. It was reported,, that feventy thoufand 4- Stratho-balani 
 
 • That, isfc.} This, lam afraid, is not fo agreeable to the modan fyftem ; our philofophcri 
 all aflerting, that the fun is not habitable. As it is a place, however, which we are very little 
 acquainted with, they may be miilaken, and Lucian may guefs as well as ourfelves, tor aught 
 we can prove to the contrary. 
 
 f Hippomyrmices.'] Horfe-ants, from iVjrof , a horfe ; and ixvpt*-»^, an ant. 
 
 I Lachanopteri.'] From x«>fafoc, olus, any kind of herb; and bte^oj penna, awing. 
 
 § Cinchroholi.'] Millii jaculatores, darters of millet; millet is a kindoffraall grain. — A ftrang^i 
 fpecies of warriors ! 
 
 II Scheroilc7tiachi.'] AUiis pugnantcs, garlic fighters: thefe, we are to fuppofe, threw garlic atf 
 the enemy, and ferved as a kind of ftink-pots. 
 
 ^ PJyllotoxota.] Pulici fagittarii. Flea-archers, 
 ** Anemodrofiii.] Venti curfores, wind courfers. 
 4- Stratho-balani.] Pafferes glandium, acorn fparrovvs. 
 
 from
 
 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 419 
 
 from the flars over Cappadocia, were to be there, together with five thoufand 
 * Hippogerani ; thefe I did not fee, for they never came : I Ihall not at- 
 tempt, therefore, to defcribe them; of thefe, however, moft wonderful 
 things were related. 
 
 Such were the forces of Endymion; their arms were all alike; their hel- 
 mets were made of beans, for they have beans there of a prodigious fize and 
 ftrength ; and their fcaly breaft-plates of lupines fowed together, for the 
 fkins of their lupines are like a horn, and impenetrable ; their Ihields, and 
 fwords, the fame as our own. 
 
 The army ranged themfelves in this manner : the right wing was formed 
 by the Hippogypi, with the king, and round him his chofen band to protedt 
 him, amongft which, we were admitted ; on the Icfr, were the Lachanopteri; 
 the auxiliaries in the middle ; the foot were in all about fixty thoufand myri- 
 ads. They have fpiders, you muft know, in this country, in infinite num- 
 bers, and of pretty large dimenfions, each of them being as big as one of the 
 iflands of the Cyclades ; thefe were ordered to cover the air from the Moon 
 •quite to the Morning-ftar : this being immediately done, and the field of bat- 
 tle prepared, the infantry was drawn up under the command of Nydtericn, 
 the fon of Eudianax. 
 
 The left wing of the enemy, which was commanded by Phaeton himfelf, 
 <:onfifted of the Hippomyrmices : thefe are large birds, and refemble our 
 ^nts, except, with regard to fize, the largeft of them covering two acres : 
 thefe fight with their horns, and were in number about fifty thoufand. In 
 the right wing were the •f- Acroconopes, about five thoufand, all archers, 
 and riding upon large gnats. To thefe fucceeded the ;|; Acrocoraces, light in- 
 fantry, but remarkably brave, and ufeful warriors, for they threw out of 
 flings exceeding large radifhes, which whoever was flruck by, died imme- 
 diately, a moft horrid fiench exhaling from the wound; they are faid, in- 
 deed, to dip their arrows in a poifonous kind of mallow. Behind thefe, 
 {flood ten thoufand § Cauiomycetcs, heavy-armed foldiers, who fight hand 
 «to hand; fo called, becaufe they ufe fhields made of mulhrooms, and fpears 
 
 * Hippogerani.'] Equi grues, horfe-cranes, 
 
 •f- Jcroconopes.'] Air- flies. 
 
 X Acrocoraces.'] Gr. Aepy.ofax(i;y air-cfows ; but as all crows fly through the nir, I would ra* 
 ther read Aefoxof^ccKei;, which may be trantlated, air-dancers, from Kof^r^^ cordax, a lafcivioua 
 kind of dance, fo called. 
 
 § Caulomycefes.'} Gr, K«v^o^t/y.r,Tfs, Caulo fungi, flalk and mufliroom men. 
 
 H h h 2 of
 
 420 The TRUE HISTO RY. 
 
 of the ftalks of afparagus. Near them, were placed the * Cynobalani, about 
 five thoufand, who were fent by the inhabitants of Syrius ; thefe were men 
 with dogs heads, and mounted upon winged acorns : fome of their forces 
 did not arrive in time; amongft whom, there were to have been fome {lingers 
 from the Milky-way, together with the f Nephelocentauri : they indeed 
 came, when the firft battle was over, and I ;{: wilh they had never come at 
 all: the flingers did not appear, which, they fay, fo enraged Phaeton, that 
 he fet their city on fire. 
 
 Thus prepared, the enemy began the attack ; the fignal being given, and' 
 the afles braying on each fide, for fuch are the trumpeters they make ufe of 
 on thefe occafions, the left wing of the Heliots, unable to fuftain the onfet 
 of our Hippogypi, foon gave way, and we purfued them with great flaugh- 
 ter : their ri^ht wing, however, overcame our left. The Acroconopes falling 
 upon us with aftonifhing force, and advancing even to our infantry, by their 
 afTiftance we recovered : and they now began to retreat, when they found 
 the left wing had been beaten.. The defeat then becoming general, many of 
 them were taken prifoners, and many ilain : the blood flowed in fuch abun- 
 dance, that the clouds were tinged with it, and looked red, jufl as they ap- 
 pear to us at fun-fet : from thence it diflilled through upon the earth. Som.e 
 fuch thing, I fuppofc, happened formerly amongft the gods, which mada 
 Homer believe that § Jove rained blood at the death of Sarpedon,. 
 
 When we returned from our purfuit of the enemy, we fet up two trophies»;: 
 one, on account of the infantry engagement in the fpider's web, and another 
 in the clouds, for our battle in the air. Thus profperoufly every thing went 
 on when our fpies informed us, that the Nephelocentaurs, who fliould have 
 been with Phaeton before the battle, were jufl arrived : they made, indeed, 
 as they approached towards us, a moft formidable appearance, being half 
 winged horfes, and half men ; the men from the waift upwards, about as 
 big as the Rhodian ColofTus, and the horfes of the fize of a common Ihip of 
 burthen. I have not mentioned the number of them, which was really fo 
 great, that it would appear incredible : they were commanded by || Sagittarius 
 
 from. 
 
 * CynolaJani.'\ Gr. Kyw^w^avo», cani glandacii, acorn-dogs, 
 t Nephelocentauri,'] Gv.^i(pi>.oy.inxvfoi, nubicentauri, cloud-centuars. 
 + IiuiJIyy i^c.'] The reafon for this wilh is given a little farther on in the Hlflory. 
 § Jove^ fe'c-.] See Horn. II. n. 1. 459. 
 
 II Sagittarius.'] Some authors tell us that Sagittauris was the fame asChiron the centaur; others,, 
 that he was Crocus, a famous hunter, the fon of Euphcmia, who nurfed tlie Mufes, at whofe 
 
 inter-
 
 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 42.1 
 
 from the Zodiac: as foon as they learned that their friends had been defeat- 
 ed, they fent a meflage to Phaeton to call him back, whilft they put their 
 forces into order of battle, and immediately fell upon the * Selenites, who 
 were unprepared to refift them, being ail employed in thedivifion of the fpoil, 
 they foon put them to flight, purfued the king quite to his own city, and 
 flew the grcateft part of his birds: they then tore down the trophies, ran 
 over all the field woven by the fpiders, and feized me and two of my com- 
 panions. Phaeton at length, coming up, they raifed other trophies for 
 themfelves : as for us, we were carried that very day to the palace of the fun 
 our hands bound behind us by a cord of the fpider's web». 
 
 The conquerors determined not to befiege the city of the Moon, but when 
 they returned home, rcfolved to build a wall between them and the Sun, 
 that his rays might not Ihine upon it; this v;all was double, and made of 
 thick clouds, fo that the Moon was always eclipfed, and in perpetual dark.- 
 nefs. Endymion, forely diflreffed at thefe calamities, fent an embafTy, hum- 
 bly befeeching them to pull down the wall, and not to leave him in utter 
 darknefs, promifing to pay them tribute,, to affifl them with his forces, and 
 never more to rebel : he fent hoftages withal. Phaeton called two councils 
 on the affair ; at the firfl of which they were all inexorable, but at the fecond 
 changed their opinion : a treaty at length was agreed to, on thefe conditions. 
 -f The Heliots and their allies on one part, make the following agreement 
 with the Selenites and their allies, on the other :■. — " That the Heliots fhali 
 demolifh the wall now erected between them : that they Ihall make no irrup- 
 tions into the territories of the Moon ; and reflore the prifoners according to 
 certain articles of ranfom to be flipulated concerning them : that the Sele- 
 nites fliall permit all the other liars to enjoy their rights and privileges : that 
 they fhall never wage war with the Heliots, but affift them whenever they 
 Ihall be invaded : that the king of the Selenites fhall pay to the king of the 
 Heliots, an annual tribute of ten thoufand cafks of dew, for the infurance of 
 which, he fhall fend iren thoufand hoflages : that they fhall mutually fend out 
 a colony to the Morning-ftar, in which, whoever of either n:ition fhall think 
 proper, may become a member : that the treaty fhall be infcribed on a co- 
 
 interceflion, he was, after his death, promoted to the ninth place In the zodiac, under the 
 name of Sagittarius. . 
 
 * Selenites.'] The inhabitants of the moon. 
 
 t ThcHcUotSy l^c] A good burlefque on the ufual form and ftyle of treaties. 
 
 lumn.
 
 422 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 
 
 lumn of amber, in the midfl of the air, and on the borders of the two king- 
 doms. This treaty was fvvorn to, on the part of the Heliots, by * Pyroni- 
 des, and Therites, and Phlogius ; and on the part of the Selenites, by Nyc- 
 tor, and Menius, and Polylampus." 
 
 Such was the peace made between them : the wall was immediately pulled 
 down, and wc were fet at liberty. When we returned to the moon, our 
 companions met and embraced us, Ihedding tears of joy, as did Endymioii 
 alfo. He intreated us to remain there, or to go along with the new colony, 
 promifing to give me his fon in marriage, for they have no women there ; this 
 I could by no means be perfuaded to, but begged he would let us down into 
 the fea. As he found I could not be prevailed on to ftay, after feafting us 
 nioft nobly for feven days, he difmifled us. 
 
 i will now tell you every thing which I met with in the Moon, that was 
 new and extraordinary. In the firfl: place, they never breed there from wo- 
 men, but from men ; they always marry males, and do not fo much as know 
 the name of woman ; the men are wives till five and twenty, and then marry 
 themfelves. The fcstus is borne not in the womb, but in the calf of the 
 leg; and when the embryo is conceived, the calffwells; it appears dead 
 when it firfl comes out, but they breathe upon it in the open air, and it vi- 
 vifies : for this reafon, I fuppofe, we call this part in Greek -f- Gaftronymia, 
 becaufe, amongft thefe people it bears the foetus inftead of the belly. But 
 what I am going to tell you, is ftill more wonderfuL There is a race of 
 men araongfl: them, whom they call Dendritse, and which are produced in 
 this manner : they plant the right tefticle of a man into the ground, from 
 whence fprings up a large tree, flefhy, and like a phallus, with leaves, and 
 branches j its fruit is an acorn about a cubit long ; when this is ripe, they 
 gather it, and out of it comes a man J * * * * v> •*? * * , * * 
 
 Amongft them, when a man grows old, he does not die, but diflblves 
 into fmoak, and turns to air. They all eat the fame food, which is, frogs 
 roafted on the afhes from a large fire ; of thefe they have plenty which fly 
 
 * Fyrofildej.'] Gr.Uvfuvi^i, ignens, fiery, ^Xoyio^, flaming, Nvyirup, noflurnus, nightly, Mrmf, 
 menftruus, monthly, ^o^t;Xa^T>!J, multi lucius, many lights. Thefe all make good proper names 
 in Greek, and Ibund magnificently, but do notanfwer fo well in Englifh. I have therefore pre- 
 lerved the original words in the tranflation, 
 f GaJirony7n'a.'\ The belly of the leg. 
 
 X Gentle reader, 
 Wherever you meet with xht^e Shandean m^rk^, orafterifms *, you maycorxlude, that Lu,- 
 cian fays fomething in the original, which a modeft man would not wifli to repeat after him. 
 
 about
 
 The true HISTORY. 423. 
 
 about in the air, they get together over the coals, fnuff up the fcent of them, 
 and this ferves them for viduals. Their drink is air fqueezed into a cup«- 
 which produces a kind of dew. They neither make water, nor go back- 
 wards, having no outlets of that kind as we have. ******«• 
 He who is quite bald, is efleemed a beauty amongft them, for they abo- 
 minate long hair ; whereas, in the comets, it is looked upon as a perfedion 
 at leaft -, fo we heard from fome flrangers who were fpeaking of them : they 
 have, notwithftanding, fmall beards a little above the knee; no nails to their 
 feet, and only one great toe. Every one has a large cabbage on his bum, 
 growing out like a tail, which is always green, and even if they fall upon ir, 
 never breaks. They have honey here, which is extremely Iharp, and when 
 they exercife themfelves, wafh their bodies with milk : this, mixed with a 
 little of their honey, makes excellent -^ cheefe. Their oil is extracted from 
 onions, is very rich, and fmells like ointment. Their wines, which are in 
 great abundance, yield water, and the grape-flones are like hail ; I imagine, 
 indeed, that whenever the wind fhakes their vines, and burfts the grape, then 
 comes down amongft us what we call hail. They make ufe of their belly 
 which they can open and fhut as they pleafe, as a kind of bag, or pouch, 
 to put any thing in they want : it has no liver or inteftines, but is hairy and 
 warm within, infomuch, that new-born children, when they are cold, fre- 
 quently creep into it. The garments of the rich amongft them, are made 
 of glafs, but very foft : the poor have woven brafs ; which they have here 
 in great abundance, and by pouring a little water over it, fo manage as to- 
 card it like wool. I am afraid to mention tlieir eyes, left, from the incredi- 
 bility of the thing, you fliould not believe me.. I muft, however, inform 
 you, that they have eyes which they take in and out whenever they pleafe ; 
 fo that they can preferve them any where till occafion ferves, and then make 
 ufe of them : many who have loft their own, borrow from others ; and there 
 are feveral rich men who keep a ftock of eyes by them. Their ears are made 
 of the leaves of plane-trees,, except of thofe who fpring, as I obferved to 
 you, from acorns : thefe alone have wooden ones. I faw likewife another 
 very extraordinary thing in the king's palace,, which was, a looking-glafs 
 that is placed in a well not very deep; whoever goes down into the well, 
 hears every thing that is faid upon earth, and if he looks into the glafs, be- 
 holds all the cities and nations of the world, as plain as if he was clofe to 
 
 • Chee/e.] Here Lucian, like other flory-tellers, is a little deficient in point of memory.. If 
 they eat, as he tells us, nothing but frogs, what ufe could they have for cheefe ? 
 
 them. .
 
 421. The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 
 
 them. I myfelf fiiw feveral of my friends there, and my whole native coun- 
 try ; whether they faw me alfo, I will not pretend to affirm. He who does 
 :not believe thefe things, Whenever he goes there will know that I have faid 
 nothing but what is true. 
 
 To return to our voyage. We took our leave of the king and his friends, 
 got on board our Ihip, and fet fail. Endymion made me a prefent of two 
 glafs robes, two brafs ones, and a whole coat of armour made of lupines, 
 all which I left in the "^ whale's belly. He likewife fent with us a thoufand 
 Hippogypi, who efcorted us five hundred ftadia. 
 
 We failed by feveral places, and at length reached the new colony of the 
 Morning-ftar, where we landed and took in water : from thence we fleered 
 into the Zodiac, leaving the Sun on our left, we palTed clofe by his territory, 
 and would have gone afliore, many of our companions being very defirous of 
 it ; but the wind would not permit us ; we had a view, however, of that 
 region, and perceived that it was green, fertile, and well- watered, and 
 abounding in every thing neceffary and agreeable. The Nephelocentaurs, 
 who are mercenaries in the fervice of Phaeton, faw us and flew aboard our 
 fliip, but, recolleding that we were -included inta tjie treaty, foon departed ; 
 the Hyppogypi likewife took their leave of us. 
 
 All the next night and day, we continued our courfe downwards, and to- 
 wards evening came upon -j- Lycnopolis : this city lies between the Pleiades 
 and the Hyades ; and a little below the Zodiac : we landed, but faw no 
 men, only a number of lamps running to and fro, in the market-place, and 
 round the port ; fome little ones, the poor, I fuppofe, of the place; others, 
 the rich and great among them, very large, light, and fplendid ; every one 
 had its habitation or candleflick to itfelf, and its own proper name, as mea 
 have. We heard them fpeak : they offered us no injury, but invited us in 
 the moft hofpitable manner; we were afraid, notwithftanding; neither 
 would any of us venture to take any food or fleep. The king's court is in 
 •the middle of the city : here he fits all night, calls every one by name, and 
 if they do not appear, condemns them to death for deferfing their pofl : their 
 death is, to be put out : we flood by, and heard feveral of them plead their 
 excufes for non-attendance. Here I found my own lamp, talked to him, and 
 afked him how things went on at home : he told me every thing that had 
 .happened. We ftaid there one night, and next day loofing our anchor,, 
 
 * IVhalc's hcUy.'] Of which we fhall f^e an account in the next adventure. 
 f Lycnopolis.'] The city of Lamp s 
 
 failed
 
 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 425 
 
 failed off very near the clouds; where we faw, and greatly admired the city 
 of * Nephelo-coccygia, but the wind would not permit us to land. 
 Coronus, the fon of Cottiphion, is king there. I remember, -f- Ariftophanes 
 the poet, fpeaks of him, a man of wifdom and veracity, the truth of whofe 
 writings nobody can call in queftion. About three days after this, we faw the 
 ocean very plainly, but no land, except thofe regions which hang in the air, 
 and which appeared to us all bright and fiery. The fourth day, about noon, the 
 wind fubfiding, we got fafe down into the fca. No fooner did we touch the 
 water, but we were beyond meafure rejoiced. We immediately gave every 
 man his fupper, as much as we could afford; and afterwards jumped into 
 the fea and fvvam, for it was quite calm and ferene. 
 
 It often happens, that profperity is the fore-runner of the greateft misfor- 
 tunes. We had failed but two days in the fea, when early in che morning 
 of the third, at fun-rife, we beheld on a fudden, feveral whales, and one 
 amongft them, of a moft enormous fize, being not lefs than fifteen hundred 
 ftadia in length ; he came up to us with his mouth wide open, diflurbing 
 the fea for a long way before him, the waves dafhing round on every fide; he 
 whetted his teeth, which looked like fo many long fpears, and were white as 
 ivory : we embraced and took leave of one another, expeding him every 
 moment; he came near, and fwallowed us up at once, Ihip and all : he did 
 not, however, crufh us with his teeth, for the vefTel luckily flipped through 
 one of the interftices : when we were got in, for fome time it was dark, and we 
 could fee nothing; but the whale happening to gape, we beheld a large 
 fpace, big enough to hold a city with ten thoufand men in it; in the middle 
 were a great number of fmall fifh, feveral animals cut in pieces, fails and 
 anchors of fhips, men's bones, and all kinds of merchandize: there was 
 likewife, a good quantity of land, and hills, which feemed to have been 
 formed of the mud which he had fwallowed : there was alfo a wood, 
 - with all forts of trees in it, herbs of every kind ; every thing, in fliort, (item- 
 ed to vegetate : the extent of this might be about two hundred and forty fla- 
 <lia. We faw, alfo, feveral fea-birds, gulls, and kihg-fifliers, making their 
 nefls in the branches. At our firft arrival in thefe regions, we could not 
 help Ihedding tears ; in a little time, however, I roufed my companions, and 
 we repaired our vefTel ; after which, we fat down to fupper on what the 
 
 * Nephelo-coccygia,'] The cloud-cuckow. ^ 
 
 f ArtJ^opbanes.l See his comedy of the Birds. 
 Vol. I. I i » place
 
 426 The TRUE HISTORY. 
 
 place afforded. Filh of all kinds we had here in plenty, and the remainder 
 of the water which we brought with us from the Morning-ftar. When wc 
 got up the next day, as often as the whale gaped, we could fee mountains 
 and illands, fometimes only the fky ; and plainly perceived by our motion, 
 that he travelled through the fea at a great rate, and feemed ro vifit every 
 part of it. At length, when our abode became familiar to us, I took with 
 me feven of my companions, and advanced into the wood, in order to fee- 
 every thing I could poflibly : we had not gone above five ftadia, before we 
 met with a temple dedicated to Neptune, as we learned by the infcription on 
 it, and, a little farther on, feveral fepulchres, monumental flones, and a foun- 
 tain of clear water ; we heard the barking of a dog, and feeing a fmoke at 
 fome diflance from us, concluded there muft be fome habitation not far off: 
 we got on as faft as we could, and faw an old man and a boy very bufy in 
 cultivating a little garden, and watering it from a fountain ; we were both 
 pleafed and terrified at the fight, and they, as you may fuppofe, on their 
 part not lefs affedted, flood fixed in aftonifhment, and could not fpeak : af- 
 ter fome time, however, " Who are you, faid the old man, and whence 
 come ye ? are you d-^mons of the fea, or unfortunate men, like ourfelves ? 
 for fuch we are, born and bred on land, though now inhabitants of another 
 element ; fwimming along with this great creature, who carries us about 
 with him, not knowing what is to become of us, or whether we are alive or 
 dead." To which I replied, " We, father, are men as 3'ou are, and but 
 jufl: arrived here, being fwallowed up, together with our fhip, but three days 
 ago : we came this way to fee what the wood produced, for it feemed large 
 and full of trees i fome good genius led us towards you, and we have the 
 happinefs to find, we are not the only poor creatures fhut up in this great 
 monfter; but give us an account of your adventures, let us know who you 
 are, and how you came here." He would not, however, tell us any thing 
 himfelf, or afk us any queftions, till he had performed the rites of hofpitali- 
 ty ; he took us into his houfe, therefore, where he had got beds, and made 
 every thing very comriiodious : here he prefented us with herbs, fruit, fifb> 
 and wine; and when we were fatisfied, began to enquire into our hiflory : 
 when I acquainted him with every thing that had happened to us ; the florm 
 we met with ; our adventures in ',,; ifland ; our failing through the air ^ 
 the war, &c. from our firfl fetting out, even to our defcent into the whale's 
 belly. 
 
 He
 
 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 427 
 
 He exprefled his aftonifhment at what had befallen us, and then told us 
 his own Hory, which was as follows : " Strangers, faid he, I am a Cyprian 
 by birth, and left my country to merchandife with this youth, who is my 
 fon, and feveral fervants. We failed to Italy with goods of various kinds» 
 fome of which you may, perhaps, have fecn in the mouth of the whale : 
 we came as far as Sicily with a profperous gale, when a violent tempeft arofe, 
 and we were tofled about in the ocean for three days, where we were fwal- 
 lowed up, men, fhip and all, by the whale, only we two remaining alive; 
 after burying our companions, we built a temple to Neptune, and here we 
 have lived ever fince, cultivating our little garden, railing herbs, and eatin» 
 fifh, or fruit: the wood, as you fee, is very large, and produces many 
 vines, from which we have excellent wine ; there is likewife a fountain, 
 which perhaps you have obferved, of freih and very cold water. VV^e make 
 our bed of leaves, have fuel fufficient, and catch a great many birds, and 
 live"fifli. Getting out upon the gills of the whale, there we walh ourfelves 
 when we pleafe. There is a fait lake, about twenty ftadia round, which 
 produces fifh of all kinds, and where we row about in a little boat, which 
 we built on purpofe. It is now feven and twenty years fince we were fwal- 
 lowed up. Every thing here, indeed, is very tolerable, except our neigh- 
 bours, who are difagreeable, troublefome, favage, and unfociable." " And 
 are there more (replied I), befides ourfelves in the whale ?" '* A great many, 
 faid he, and thofe very unhofpitable, and of a moft horrible appearance : 
 towards the tail, on the weilern parts of the wood, live the * Tarichanes, a 
 people with eel's eyes, and faces like crabs, bold, warlike, and that live up- 
 on raw flefh. On the other fide, at the right hand wall, are the -j- Tritono- 
 mendetes, in their upper parts men, and in the lower refembling weazels. 
 On the left are the X Carcinochires, and the j Thynnocephali, who have en- 
 tered into a league offenfive and defenfive with each other. The middle 
 part is occupied by the § Pagurad^, and the Pfittopodes, a warlike nation, 
 and remarkably fwift-footed. The eaftern parts, near the whale's mouth, 
 being walhed by the fea, are moft of them uninhabited : I have fome of 
 
 * Taricbancs,} Salfamentarii. Salt-fiih-men. 
 f Tritonomendites.'] Triton-weafels. 
 
 + Carciriochirei.'] Greek, x-apt^iKa^e?, cancri-mani, crab's hands. 
 
 4. Thynnocephali.'] Thynno-cipites, tunny-heads, i. c. men with heads like thofe of the 
 tunny-fifli. 
 
 § Pagurada."] Greek, TrayapaJa», crab-men, 
 
 ]| PJittopodes,] <l>»iTTtf9roJ£f, fpar row .footed, from ^>)tt«, pafler marinui. 
 
 I i i a thefe.
 
 428 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 
 
 tbefe, however, on condition of paving an annual tribute to the Pfittipodes 
 of five hundred oyflers. Such is the fituation of this country •, our difficulty 
 is how to oppofe fo many people, and find fuftenance for ourfelves." " How 
 many may there be, faid I ?" " More than a thoufand, faid he." " And what are 
 their arms?" " Nothing, replied he, but fifh-bones/* " Then, faid I, we had bell 
 go to war with them, for we have arms and they none ; if we conquer them 
 we Ihall live without fear for the future.'* This was immediately agreed upon, 
 and, as foon as we returned to our Ihip, we began to prepare. The caufe 
 of the war was to be the non-payment of the tribute, which was jufl now be- 
 coming due : they fent to demand it ; he returned a contemptuous anfwer 
 to the meffengers : the Pfittopodes and Pagurad^ were both highly fenraged, 
 and immediately fell upon Scintharus (for that was the old man's name), in 
 a moft violent manner. 
 
 We, expecting to be attacked, fent out a detachment of five and twenty- 
 men, with orders to lie concealed till the enemy was paft, and then to rife 
 vpon them, which they did, and cut off their rear : we, in the mean time, 
 beino- lilcewife five and twenty in number, with the old man and his fon, 
 waited their coming up, met, and engaged them with no little danger, till 
 at leno-th they fled, and we purfued them even into their trenches : of the 
 enemy there fell an hundred and twenty ; we loft only one, our pilot, who 
 was run through by the rib of a mullet. That day, and the night after it, 
 we remained on the field of battle, and eredted the dried back-bone of a dol- 
 phin as a trophy. Next day fome other forces, who had heard of the en- 
 gagement, arrived, and made head againft us ; the Tarichanes, under the 
 command of Pelamus, in the right wing, the Thynnocephali on the left, and 
 the Carciriochires in the mJddle ; the Tritonomendetes remained neuter, not 
 chufing to aflift either party : we came round upon all the reft, by the 
 temple of Neptune, and with a hideous cry rufhed upon them ; as they were 
 unarmed, we foon put them to flight, purfued them into the wood, and 
 took poflTeflion of their territory. They fent ambaflladors a little while after, 
 to take away their dead, and propofe terms of peace ; but we would hear 
 of no treaty, and attacking them the next day, obtained a complete victory, 
 and cut them all off", except the Tritonomendetes, who, informed of what had 
 palled, ran away up to the whale's gills, and from thence threw themfelves 
 into the fca. The country being now cleared of all enemies, we rambled 
 through ir, and from that time remained without fear, ufed what exercife 
 
 we
 
 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 429 
 
 we pleafed, went a-Jiunting, pruned our vines, gathered our fruit, and lived 
 in ftiort, in every refpedt like men put together in a large prifon, which there 
 was no efcaping from, but where they enjoy every thing they can wifh for 
 in eafe and freedom ; fuch was our way of life for a year and eight months. 
 
 On the fifteenth day of the ninth month, about the fecond opening of the 
 whale's mouth (for this he did once every hour, and by that we calculated 
 our time), we were furprifed by a fudden noife, like the clafli of oars ; being 
 greatly alarmed, we crept up into the whalers mouth, where (landing be- 
 tween his teeth, we beheld one of the mod aftonifhing fpedtacles that was 
 ever feen ; men of an immenfe fize, each of them not lefs than half a fta- 
 dium in length, failing on iflands like boats, I know what I am faying is 
 incredible, I fliall proceed, notwithftanding : thefe iflands were long, but 
 not very high, and about a hundred fladia in circumference; there were 
 about eight and twenty of thefe men in each of them, befides the rowers on 
 the fides, who rowed with large cyprefTes, with their branches and leave» 
 on; in the flern flood a pilot, raifed on an eminence, and guiding a brazen 
 helm : on the fore-caftle were forty immenfe creatures, refembling men, 
 except in their hair, which was all a flame of fire, fo that they had no oc- 
 cafion for helmets, thefe were armed, and fought moft furioufly ; the wind 
 rufhing in upon the wood, which was in every one of them, fwelled it like 
 a fail, and drove them on, according to the pilot's diredion ; and thus, 
 like fo many long fhips, the iflands, by the affiflance of the oars, alfo moved 
 with great velocity. At firft we faw only two or three, but afterwards there 
 appeared above fix hundred of them, which immediately eng;iged ; many 
 were knocked to pieces by running againft each other, and many funk ; 
 others were wedged in clofe together, and not able to get afunder, fought 
 defperately ; thofe who were near the prows fhewed the greatefl alacrity, 
 hoarding each other*s fhips, and making terrible havock ; none, however, 
 were taken prifoners. For grappling-irons, they made ufe of large fliarks 
 chained together, who laid hold of the wood and kept the ifland from mov- 
 ing : they threw oyfters at one another, one of which would have filled a 
 waggon, and fpunges of an acre long, ^olocentaurus was admiral of one 
 of the fleets, and * ThalaflTopotcs of the other : they had quarrelled, ic 
 feems, about fome booty ; Thalaffopotes, as it was reported, having driven 
 
 * fbalnUopotcs.'] Maris potor, the dilulicr up of the fea. .'Eolocentaurus and Thalaffopotes 
 were, I fuppofe, two Leviathans. 
 
 . away
 
 ^30 The TRUE HISTORY. 
 
 away a large tribe of dolphins belonging to ^olocentaurus : this we picked up 
 from their own difcourfe, when we heard them mention the names of their 
 commanders. At length the forces of JEolocentaurus prevailed, and funk 
 about a hundred and fifty of the illands of the enemy, and taking three more 
 with the men in them : the reft took to their oars and fled. The conquerors 
 purfued them a little way, and in the evening returned to the wreck, feizing 
 the remainder of the enemy's veflels, and getting back fome of their own, 
 for they had themfelves loft no lefs than fourlcore iflands in the engage- 
 ment. They ereded a trophy for this vidory, hanging one of the conquer- 
 ed iflands on the head of the whale, which they fattened their haufers to, 
 and cafting anchor clofe to him, for they had anchors immenfely large and 
 ftrong, fpent the night there : in the morning, after they had returned 
 thanks, and facrificed on the back of the whale, they buried their dead, fung 
 their lo P^ans, and failed off. Such was the battle of the iflands. 
 
 THE
 
 THE 
 
 TRUE HISTORY, 
 
 B O O K II. 
 
 FROM this time our abode in the whale growing rather tedious and dif- 
 agreeable, not able to bear it any longer, I began to think within my- 
 feif how we might make our efcape. My firft fcheme was to undermine the 
 right-hand. wall, and get out there; and accordingly we began to cut away, 
 but after getting through about five ftadia, and finding it was to no purpofe, 
 we left off digging, and determined tofet fire to the wood, which we imagin- 
 ed would deftroy the whale, and fecure us a fafe retreat ; we began, there- 
 fore, by burning the parts near his tail ; for feven days and nights he never 
 felt the heat, but on the eighth we perceived he grew fick, for he opened his 
 mouth very feldom, and when he did, Ihut it again immediately ; on the 
 tenth and the eleventh he declined vifibly, and began to ftink a little; on the 
 twelfth it occurred to us, which we had never thought of before, that unlefs, 
 whilft he was gaping, fomebody could prop up his jaws, to prevent his clof- 
 ing them, we were in danger of being Unit up in the carcafe, and perifhing 
 there : we placed fome large beams, therefore, in his mouth, got our fhip 
 ready, and took in water, and every thing neceflary : Scintharus was to be 
 our pilot; the next day the whale died ; we drew our veflel through the in- 
 terftices of his teeth, and let her down from thence into the fea ; then, aet- 
 ting on the whale's back, facrificed to Neptune, near the f])ot where the 
 trophy was eredlcd» Here we flaid three days, it being a dead calm, and 
 on the fourth fet fail ; we ftruck upon feveral bodies of the giants that had 
 been flain in the fca-fighf, and meafured them with the greatefl: aftonifhment : 
 for fome days we had very mild and temperate weather, but the north-wind 
 arifing, it grew fo extremely cold, that the whole fea was froze up, not on 
 the furface only, but three or four hundred feet deep, fo that we o-ot out 
 and walked on the ice. The froft being fo intenfe that we could not bear it, we 
 put in pradice the following fcheme, which Scintharus put us in the head of: 
 we dug a cave in the ice, where we remained for thirty days, lighting a fire, 
 
 and
 
 432 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 
 
 and living upon the filli which we found in it; but, our provifions falling, 
 wc were obliged to loofen our ftiip which was ftuck faft in, and hoifting a 
 fail, Hid along through the ice with an eafy pleafant motion ; on the fifth 
 day from that time, it grew warm, the ice broke, and it was all water again. 
 
 After failing about three hundred ftadia, we fell in upon a little deferted 
 illand : here we took in water, for ours was almoft gone, killed with our ar- 
 rows two wild oxen, and departed. Thefe oxen had horns not on their heads, 
 but, as Momus feemed to wifh, under their eyes. A little beyond this, we 
 got into a fea, not of water, but of milk ; and upon it we faw an ifland full 
 of vines; this whole ifland was one compad: well-made cheefe, as we after- 
 wards experienced by many a good meal, which we made upon it ; and is in 
 length five and twenty ftadia. The vines have grapes upon them, which 
 yield not wine, but milk. In the middle of the ifland was a temple to the 
 Nereid * Galatea, as appeared by an infcription on it : as long as we ftaid there, 
 the land afforded us viduals to eat, and the vines fupplied us with milk to 
 drink. -|- Tyro, the daughter of Salmoneus, we were told, was queen of 
 it, Neptune having, after her death, conferred that dignity upon her. 
 
 We flopped five days on this ifland, and on the fixth fet fail with a fmall 
 breeze, which gently agitated the waves, and on the eighth, changed our 
 milky fea for a green and briny one ; where we faw a great number of men 
 running backwards and forwards, refembling ourfelves in every part, except 
 the feet, which are all of cork, whence, I fuppofe, they are called [j; Phello- 
 podes. We were furprifed to fee them not finking, but rifing high above the 
 waves, and making their way without the leaft fear or apprehenfion : they 
 came up to, and addrefTed us in the Greek tongue, telling us they were go- 
 ing to Phello, their native country ; they accompanied us a good way, and 
 then taking their leave, wifhed us a good voyage. A little after we faw fe- 
 veral iflands, amongft which, to the left of us ftood Phello, to which thefe 
 men were going, a city built in the middle of a large round cork ; towards 
 
 * Galataa.'] One of the fifty Nereids, or Sea-Nymphs ; fo called, on account of the falrnefs 
 of her fkin : from yuXcc gala, milk; of the milky ifland, therefore, Ihe was naturally the prefid- 
 ing deity, 
 
 f Tyro.'] Tyro, according to Homer, fell in love with the famous river Enipeus, and was 
 always wandering on his banks, where Neptune found, covered her with his waves, and throw- 
 ing her into a deep fleep, fupplied the place of Enipeus. Lucian has made her amends, by be- 
 llowing one of his imaginary kingdoms upon her. His part of theflory, however, is full as pro- 
 bable as the reil. 
 
 t Phellopodes.'] Suberipedes, cork-footed, 
 
 the
 
 The true HISTORY. 435I 
 
 the right hand, and at a confiderable diftance were many others, very large 
 and high ; on which, we faw a prodigious large fire : fronting the prow of 
 our Ihip, we had a view of one very broad and flat, and which feemed to be 
 about five hundred fladia off; as we approached near to it, a fweec and 
 odoriferous air came round us, fuch as Herodotus tells us blows from Arabia 
 Felix; from the rofe, the narcifl[us, the hyacinth, the lily, the violet, the 
 myrtle, the laurel, and the vine. Refrefhed with thefe delightful odours, and 
 in hopes of being at laft rewarded for our long fufferings, we came clofe up 
 to the ifland : here, we beheld feveral fafe and fpacious harbours, with clear 
 tranfparent rivers rolling placidly into the fea ; meadows, woods, and birds 
 of all kinds, chanting melodioufly on the fliore ; and, on the trees, the fofc 
 and fweet air fanning the branches on every fide, which fent forth a foft har- 
 monious found, like the playing on a flute; at the fame time we heard a 
 noife, not of riot or tumult, but a kind of joyful and convivial found, as of 
 fome playing on the lute or harp, with others joining in the chorus, and ap- 
 plauding them. 
 
 We cafl: anchor and landed, leaving our fhip in the harbour, with Scyn- 
 tharus, and two more of our companions. As we were walking throuo-h a 
 meadow full of flowers, we met the guardians of the ifle, who immediately 
 chaining us with manacles of rofes, for thefe are their only fetters, conduc- 
 ed us t'O their king : from thefe we learned on our journey that this place 
 was called * The Ifland of the Blefl^ed, and was governed by Rhadamanthus. 
 ,We were carried before him, and he was fitting that day as judge to try 
 fomecaufes; our's was the fourth in order: the firft was that of -}- Ajax 
 Telamonius, to determine whether he was to rank with the heroes or nor. 
 The accufation ran, that he was mad, and had made an end of himfelf ; 
 much was faidon both fides; at length Rhadamanthus pronounced, that he 
 fliould be configned to the care of Hippocrates, and go through a courfe of 
 hellebore, after which he might be admitted to the Sympofium. The fe- 
 cond was a love affair, to decide whether Thefeus or Menclaus fliould pof- 
 lefs Helen in thefe regions ; and the decree of Rhadamanthus was, that flie 
 
 * The ijland.] This defcriptlon of the Pagan Elyfuim, or Ifland of the blefTcd, is well 
 drawn, and abounds in fanciful and pidurefque imagery, interfperfed with Itrokes of humour 
 and fatire. The fecond book is, indeed, throughout, more entertaining, and better written 
 than the firft. 
 
 \ Ajax.'\ See the Ajax Flagellifer of Sophocles. Lucian humoroufly degrades him from 
 the charaderof a hero, and gives him hellebore as a madman. 
 
 Vol. I. K k k fliould
 
 434 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 
 
 Ihonld live with Menelaus, who had underwent fo many difficulties and dan- 
 gers for her : befides, that Thefeus had other women, the Amazonian lady, 
 and the daughters of Minos. The third caufe was a point of precedency, 
 between Alexander the fon of Philip, and Hannibal the Carthaginian, which 
 was given in favour of Alexander, who was placed on a throne next to the 
 elder Cyrus, the Perfian. Our caufe came on the laft; the king afked us, 
 how we dared to enter, alone as v/e were, into that facred abode ; we told 
 him every thing that had happened ; he commanded us to retire, and con- 
 lulted with the affeflbrs concerning us : there were many in council with 
 him, and amongft them Ariftides, the juft Athenian, and purfuant to his 
 opinion, it was determined that we fliould fuffer the puniffiment of our bold 
 curiofity after our deaths, but at prefent might remain in the ifland for a cer- 
 tain limited time ; aflbciate with the heroes, and then depart : this indul- 
 gence was not to exceed feven months. 
 
 At this inftant, our chains, if fo they might be called, dropped off, and 
 we were left at liberty to range over the city, and to partake of the feaft of 
 the blefled. The whole city was of * gold, and the walls of emerald : the 
 feven gates were all made out of one trunk of the cinnamon-tree : the pave- 
 ment, within the walls, of ivory, the temples of the gods were of beryl, 
 and the great altars, on which they offered the hecatombs, all of one large 
 amethift : round the city flowed a river of the mofl precious ointment, a 
 hundred cubits in breadth, and deep enough to fwim in; the baths are large 
 houfes of glafs, perfumed with cinnamon, and inflead of water filled with 
 warm dew : for cloaths they wear fpider's webs, very fine, and of a purple 
 colour : they have no bodies, but only the appearance of them, infenfible 
 to the touch, and without flefli, yet they fland, tafte, move, and fpeak ; 
 their fouls leem to be naked, and fcparated from them, with only the ex- 
 ternal fimilitude of a body; and unlefs you attempt to touch, you can 
 fcarce believe but they have one : they are a kind of upright f fhadows, 
 only not black : in this place no body ever grows old, at whatever age 
 they enter here, at that they always remain : they have no night, nor bright 
 
 ' ^fgo^^'^ It is not improbable but that Voltaire's El Dorado, in his Candida, might have 
 been fuggefied to him by this paffage. 
 
 t Upright JJ.^adows.'] T. e, their appearance is exadly like that of fliadows made by the fun 
 at noon day, with this only difference, that one lies flat on the ground, the other is erec^, and 
 one is dark, the other light, or diaphanous. Our vulgar idea of ghofls, efpecially with regard 
 to their not being tangible, corrcfponds with this of Lucian's. 
 
 day.
 
 The true HISTORY. 
 
 43: 
 
 da)^ but a perpetual twilight; one equal feafon reigns throughout the year ; 
 it is always fpring with them, and no wind blows but Zcphyrus ; the whole 
 region abounds in fwcet flowers, and Ihrubs of every kind ; their vines bear 
 twelve times in the year, yielding fruit every month, their apples, pome- 
 granates, and the reft of our autumnal produce, thirteen times, bearing 
 twice in the m.onth of Minos : inftead of corn, the fields bring forth loaves 
 of ready-made bread, like mufhrooms : there are three hundred and (ixty- 
 five founi'ains of water round the city, as many of honey, and five hundred, 
 rather fmaller, of fweet-fcented oil, befides feven rivers of milk, and eight 
 of wine. 
 
 Their Sympofia are held in a place without the city, which they call the 
 Elyfian Field; this is a moft beautiful meadow, fkirted by a large and thick 
 wood, affording an agreeable fhade to the guefts, who repofe on couches of 
 flowers; the winds attend upon, and bring them every thing neceffary, ex- 
 cept wine, which is otherwife provided, for there are large trees on every 
 fide, made of the fineft glafs, the fruit of which are cups of various fhapes 
 and fizes ; whoever comes to the entertainment gathers one or more of thefc 
 cups, which immediately becomes full of wine, and fo they drink of it, 
 whilft the nightingales, and other birds of fong, with their bills peck the 
 flowers out of the neighbouring fields, and drop them on their heads ; thus 
 are they crowned with perpetual garlands : their manner of perfuming them 
 is this; the clouds fuck up the fcented oils from the fountains and rivers, 
 and the winds gently fanning them, diftil it like foft dew on thole who are 
 alfembled there ; at fupper they have mufic alfo, and finging, particularly 
 the verfes of Homer, who is himfelf generally at the feaft, and fits next 
 above Ulyffes, with a chorus of youths and virgins : he is led in, accom- 
 panied by * Eunomus the Locrian, Arion of Lefbos, Anacreon, and -f- Ste- 
 fichorus, whom I faw there along with them, and who at length is recon- 
 ciled to Helen : when they have finilhed their fongs, another chorus begins 
 
 * Eunomus.'\ A famous mufician. Clemens Alexandrinus gives us a full account of him, 
 to whom 1 refer the curious reader. 
 
 f Stefichorus.] This poet, we are told, wrote fome fevere verfes on Helen, for which he 
 was punifhed by Caftor and Pollux with lofs of fight ; but on making his recantation in a pali- 
 iiodia, his eyes were gracioufly reftored to him. Lucian has affronted her ftill more grofly, by 
 making her run away with Cinyrus j but he, we are to fuppofe, being not over fuperftitious, 
 defied the power of Cailor and Pollux. 
 
 K k k 2 of
 
 436 The TRUE HISTORY. 
 
 of * fwans, fvvallows, and nightingales ; and to thefe fucceeds the fweet 
 ruftlino- of the Zephyrs, that vvhiftle through the woods, and clofe the con- 
 cert. What mod contributes to their happinefs is, that near the fympofmm 
 arc two fountains, the one of milk, the other of pleafure ; from the firft they 
 drink at the beginning of the fealT, there is nothing afterwards but joy and 
 feilivity. 
 
 I will now tell you what men of renown I met with there ; and iirfl, there 
 were all the demi-gods, and all the heroes that fought at Troy, except 
 A- Ajax the Locrian, who alone it feems was condemned to fufFer for his 
 crimes in the habitations of the wicked ; then there were of the Barbarians, 
 both the Cyrus's, Anacharfis the Scythian, i Zamolxis of Thrace, and 
 4. Numa the Italian ; befides thefe I met with Lycurgus the Spartan, Pho- 
 cion and Tellus of Athens, and all the wife men, except § Periander. I 
 favv alfo Socrates, the fon of Sophronifcus, prating with Neflor and Pala- 
 medes ; near him were Hyacinthus of Sparta, Narciflus the Thefpian, Hy- 
 hs, and feveral other 1| beauties; he feemed very fond of Hyacinthus; 
 feme things were laid to his charge ; it was even reported that Rhadaman- 
 thus was very angry with him, and threatened to turn him out of the ifland, 
 if he continued to play the fool, and would not leave off his irony and far- 
 cafm. : of all the philofophers, 5[ Plato alone was not to be found there, 
 but it feems he lived in a republic of his own building, and which was 
 governed by laws framed by himfelf. Ariftippus and Epicurus were 
 
 * Sivans.'] Nothing appears more ridiculous to a modern reader than the perpetual enco- 
 miums on the mufical merit of fvvans and fwallovvs, which we meet with in all the writers of 
 antiquity. A proper account and explanation of this Is, I think, amongfl: the defiderata of li- 
 terature. There is an entertaining trad on this fubjeft in theHlft. del'Aead. torn. v. by M. Morin. 
 
 t Jjax the Locrian"] Who ravifhed Caflandra, the daughter of Priam, and prieftefs of Mi- 
 nerva, who fent a tempeft, difperfed the Grecian navy in their return home, and funk Ajax 
 with a thunder-bolt. 
 
 \ Zamolxis.] A fcholar of Pythagoras. 
 
 4- Nu^na.] The fecond king of Rome. 
 
 § Periander,] One of the feven fages, but excepted agalnft by Lucian, becaufe he was 
 kmg of Corinth, and a tyrant. 
 
 II Beauties.] A malevolent fneer at Socrates, who, if we credit our fevere fatirift, had other 
 pleafures in the company of beautiful young men, befides that of intruding them : though this 
 is, moft probably, an al'perfion on the charafter of that noble philofopher, which he never de- 
 fer ved. 
 
 ^ Plato.] See his Treatife de Republica. His quitting Elyfium, to live in his own re- 
 public, is a flroke of true humour. 
 
 in
 
 The T H U E H I S T O R Y. 437 
 
 in the higheft efteem here, as the moft polite, benevolent, and convivial of 
 men. Even ^fop, the Phrygian, was here, whom they made ufe of by 
 way of buffoon. Diogenes of Sinope had fo wonderfully changed his man- 
 ners in this place, that he married Lais, the harlot, danced and fung, got 
 drunk, and played a thoufand freaks Not one Stoic did I fee amongft them, 
 they, it feems, were not yet got up to the top of the high * hill of Virtue; 
 and as to Chryfippus, we were told that he was not to enter the ifland till 
 he had taken a fourth dofe of hellebore. The Academicians, we heard, 
 were very defirous of coming here, but they flood doubting and deliberatiiio- 
 about it, neither were they quite certain whether there was fuch a place as 
 Elyfium or not ; perhaps they were afraid of Rhadamanthus's + judgment 
 on them, as decifive judgments are what they would never allow; many of 
 them, it is reported, followed thofe who were coming to the ifland, but be- 
 ing too lazy to proceed, turned back when they were got half way. 
 
 Such were the principal perfons whom I met with here. Achilles is had 
 in the greateft honour among them, and next to him Thefeus. With regard 
 to love-affairs, they think there is nothing :j: indecent in doing what thev 
 pleafe before every body. As to the boys, Socrates fwore he meant no 
 harm; and yet, if we credit Narciffus and Hyacinthus, he forfwore himfelf. 
 The women are common to all ; their love is only Platonic. * * « 
 
 Two or three days after my arrival I met with the poet Homer, and both 
 of us being quite at leifure, afked him feveral queflions, and amoncrft the 
 reft, where he was born, that, as I informed him, having been long a mat- 
 ter of difpute amongft us : we were very ignorant, indeed, he faid, for 
 fome had made him a Chian, others a native of Smyrna, others of Co'o- 
 phon ; but that, after all, he was a Babylonian, and amongft them was 
 called Tigranes, though, after being a hoftage in Greece, they had chano-ed 
 his name to Homer. I then afked him about thofe of his verfes which are 
 rejedted as fpurious, and whether they were his or not. He faid, they 
 were all his own; which made me laugh at the nonfenfe of Zcnodotus, and 
 
 • High hi}l.'\ Alluding to a palTage in Hefiod, already quoted. 
 
 + Judgment.'] Lucian laughs at the Sceptics, though he was himfelf one of them. 
 
 X Indecent.] Entertaining, probably, the fame notions, with regard to this point, as the 
 inhabitants of Otaheite. See Hawkfworth's Voyage. Lucian, indeed, fpeaks broadly out, and 
 quite in the Otaheite ftylc. — Mifcent corpora publice & in confpe.ftu omnium, cum mutieribus 
 pariter &c cum maribus, &: nequaquam malum hoc illis videtur. The learned reader will fee I 
 have foftcned it a little in the tranllation. 
 
 Ariftarchus,
 
 438 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 
 
 Ariflar.hus, the grammarians. I then afked hhii how he came to begin 
 his Iliad wirh the wrath of Achilles ; he laid, it was all by chance. I de- 
 fired likewife to know whether, as it was generally reported, he wrote the 
 Odyffey before the Iliad? He faid no. It is commonly faid he was blind, 
 but I lOon found he was not fo : for he made ufe of his eyes, and looked 
 at me, fo that I had no reafon to afk him that queftion : whenever I found 
 him difengaged, I took the opportunity of converfing with him, and he 
 very readily entered into difcourfe with me, efpecially after the vidory 
 which he obtained over Therfites, who had accufed him of turning him into 
 ridicule in Ibme of his vcrfes ; the caufe was heard before Rhadamanthus, 
 and Homer came off victorious. Ulyfles pleaded for him. 
 
 I met alfo Pythagoras the Samian, who arrived in thefe regions after his 
 foul had gone a long round in the bodies of feveral animals ; having been 
 changed feven times. All his right fide was of gold, and there was fome 
 difpute whether he fhould be called Pythagoras or Euphorbus. Empe- 
 docles came likewife, who looked fodden and roafted all over ; he defired 
 admittance ; but though he begged hard for it, was rejedled. 
 
 A little time after, the games came on, which they call here -j- Thanatufia. 
 Achilles prefided for the fifth time, and Thefeus for the feventh. A narra- 
 tive of the whole would be tedious, I fiiall only, therefore, recount a few 
 of the principal circumftances in the wrefiling match; Carus, a defccndant 
 of Hercules, conquered Ulyfles at the boxing match. Areus the Egyptian, 
 who was buried at Corinth, and Epeus contended, but neither got the vic- 
 tory. The Pancratia was not propofed amongft them. In the race I do 
 not remember who had the fuperiority. In poetry Homer was far beyond 
 them all ; Hefiod, however, got a prize. The reward to all was a garland 
 of peacock's feathers. 
 
 When the games were over, word was brought that the prifoners in Tar- 
 tarus had broke loofe, overcome the guard, and were proceeding to take 
 poflTeiiion of the ifland under the command of '!^ Phalaris the Agrigentine, 
 
 t ThaHatuJia.'] Death-games, or. games after death, in imitation of wedding-games, 
 funeral-games, &c. 
 
 X Phalaris,'] The famous tyrant of A grigentum, renowned for his ingenious contrivance of 
 roafting his enemies in a brazen bull, and not lefs memorable for fome excellent Epiftles, which 
 fet a wit and fcholar together by the ears concerning the genuinenefs of them. See the famous 
 contefl: between Bentley and Boyle. 
 
 Bufiris
 
 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 439 
 
 ^ Bufiris of ^gypt, f Diomedethe Thracian, J Scyron, and Pityocamptes. 
 As foon as Rhadamanthus heard of it, he difpatched the heroes to the fhore, 
 conduced by Thefeus, Achilles, and Ajax Telamonius, who was now re- 
 turned to his fenfes. A battle enfued, wherein the heroes were vidorious, 
 owing principally to the valour of Achilles. Socrates, who was placed in 
 the right wing, behaved much better than he had done at § Delius in his 
 life-time, for when the enemy approached he never fled, nor fo mucii as 
 turned his face about ; he had a very extraordinary prefcnt made him, as 
 the reward of his courage, no lefs than a fine fpacious garden near the city ; 
 here he fummoned his friends and difputed, calling the place by the name 
 of the Academy of the Dead. They then bound the prifoners, and fent 
 them back to Tartarus, to fufter double punifhment. Homer wrote an ac- 
 count of this battle, and gave it me to fhcw it to our people when I went 
 back i but I loft it afterwards, together with a great many other things ; it 
 began thus, 
 
 Sing, Mufe, the batt'es of the heroes dead 
 
 The campaign thus happily finifhed, they made an entertainment to cele- 
 brate the vidtory, which, as is ufual amongft them, was a bean-feaft; Pytha- 
 goras alone abfented himfelf on that day, and fafted, holding in abomina- 
 tion the wicked cuftom of eating beans. 
 
 Six months had now elapfed, when a new and extraordinary affair happen- 
 ed, Cinyrus, the fon of Scyntharus, a tall, well-made, handfome youth, 
 fell in love with Helen, and fhe no lefs defperately with him. They were 
 often nodding and drinking to one another at the public feafts, and would 
 frequently rife up and walk out together alone into the wood. The violence 
 of his paffion, joined to the impoflibility of poflefling her any other way, put 
 Cinyrus on the refolution of running away with her. She imagined that they 
 might eafily get off to fome of the adjacent iflands, either to Phellus, or Ty- 
 
 * Bujtris.] Who facrificed to Jupiter all the Grangers that came into his kingdom— hofpites 
 violabat, fays Seneca, ut eorum fanguine pluviam elicerct, cujus penuiia ^ilgyptus novem annis 
 laboraverat. — A moft ingenious contrivance. 
 
 f Diomecic.'] A king of Thrace, who fed his horfes with human flefh. 
 
 + Scyron.] Scyron and Pityocamptes were two famous robbers, who ufed to feize on travel- 
 lers, and commit the moll horrid cruelties upon them. They were llain by Thefeus. See Plu- 
 tarch's life of Thefeus. 
 
 § DfHus.] Where he ran away, but, as we are told, in very good company. See Dioo-. 
 Laert. Strabo, &c. 
 
 roeiTi.
 
 440 The TRUE HISTORY. 
 
 roefla. He feledted three of the braved of our crew to accompany them; 
 never mentionuig the defign to his father, who he knew would never confent 
 to it ; but, the firft favourable opportunity, put it in execution, and one night, 
 when I was not with them (for it happened that 1 ftaid late at the feaft, and 
 ilept there), carried her off. Menelaus, rifing in the middle of the night, 
 and perceiving that his wife was not in bed with him, made a dreadful noifc 
 about it, and, taking his brother along with him, proceeded immediately 
 to the king's palace. At break of day the guards informed him that they 
 had feen a veffel, a good diftance from land : he immediately put fifty heroes 
 on board a (hip, made out of one large piece of the afphodelus, with orders 
 to purfue them. They made all the fail they poffibly could, and about 
 noon came up with, and feized on them, juft as they were entering into the 
 milky fea, clofe to Tyroeffa ; fo near were they to making their efcape : the 
 purfuers threw a rofy chain over the veffel, and brought her home again. 
 Helen began to weep, blufhed, and hid her face. Rhadamanthus afked 
 Cinyrus, and the reft of them, if they had any more accomplices : they told 
 him, they had none; he then ordered them to be chained, whipped with 
 mallows, and lent to Tartarus. 
 
 It was now determined that we Ihould ftay no longer on the ifland than 
 the time limited ; and the very next day was fixed for our departure : this 
 gave me no little concern, and I wept to think I muft leave fo many good 
 things, and be once more a wanderer. They endeavoured to adminifter 
 confolation to me, by affuring me that in a few years I flioukl return to them 
 again ; they even pointed out the feat that fhould be allotted to me, and 
 v^'hich was near the belt and worthiefl inhabitants of thefe delightful man- 
 fions. I addreffed myfelf to Rhadamanthus, and humbly intreated him to 
 inform me of my future fate, and let me know, beforehand, whether 1 
 fhould travel : he told me, that after many toils and dangers, I fhould at 
 laft return in fafety to my native country, but would not point out the time 
 when : he then fhewed me the neighbouring illands, five of which appeared 
 near to me, and a fixth at adiftance; thofe next to you, faid he, where 
 you fee a great fire burning, are the habitations of the wicked ; the fixth is 
 the city of dreams ; behind that lies the ifland of Calypfo, which you 
 cannot fee yet. When you get beyond thefe you will come' to a large tra(ft 
 of land, inhabited by * thofe who live on the fide of the earth diredly op- 
 
 pofire 
 
 • Thofe^ ^f,] The antipodes. We never heard whether Luclan performed this voyage. 
 
 D'Ablancourt,
 
 The true HISTORY. 44, 
 
 pofite to you, there you will fuffer many things, wander through feveral na- 
 tions, and mecc with fome very favage and unfociable people, and at length 
 get into another region. 
 
 Having faid thus, he took a root of mallow out of the earth, and put- 
 ting it into my hand, bade me remember, when I was in any danger, to 
 call upon that ; and added, moreover, that if, when I came to the Anti- 
 podes, I took care " never to ftir the fire with a fword, never to eat lu- 
 pines, or have any thing to do with a woman above two and twenty," I 
 might have hopes of returning to the Ifland of the Blefled. 
 
 I then got every thing ready for the voyage, fupped with, and took my 
 leave of them. Next day, meeting Homer, I begged him to make me a 
 couple of verfes for an infcription, which he did, and I fixed them on a 
 little column of beryl, at the mouth of the harbour : the infcription was 
 as follows. 
 
 Dear to the gods, and favourite of heav'n. 
 Here Lucian liv'd : to him alone 'twas giv'n, 
 Well-pleas'd thefe happy regions to explore. 
 And back returning, feek his native fliore. 
 
 I (laid that day, and the next fet fail; the heroes attending to take their 
 leaves of us; when UlyfTes, unknown to Penelope, flipped a letrer into my 
 hand, for Calypfo, at the ifland of Ogygia. Rhadamanthus was fo oblig- 
 ing as to fend with us Nauplius the pilot, that, if we flopped at the neigh- 
 bouring iflands, nnd they ihould lay hold on us, he might acquaint them^ 
 that we were only on our pafTage to another piacc. 
 
 As foon as we got out of the fweet-fcented air, we came into another that 
 fmelt of afphaltus, pitch, and fulphur burning together, with a moft in- 
 tolerable flench, as of burned carcafes ; the whole element above us was 
 dark and difmal, diflilling a kind of pitchy dew upon our heads : we heard 
 the found of flripes, and the veilings of men in torment. We faw but one 
 of thefe iflands; that which we landed on 1 will give you fome defcription 
 of: every part of it was fteep and filthy, abounding in rocks and rough 
 mountains ; we crept along, over precipices full of thorns and briars, and, 
 paffing through a mofl horrid country, came to the dungeon, and place of 
 punifhment, which we beheld with an admiration full of horror : the ground 
 
 D'Ablancourt, however, his French tranflator, in his continuation of the true hiftory, has done 
 it for him j not without fome humour, though it is by no means e4ual to the original. 
 Vol. I. L 1 1 was
 
 ^^2 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 
 
 was ftrewed with fwords and prongs, and clofe to us were three rivers, one 
 of mire, another of blood, and another of fire, immenfe and unpaffable, that 
 flowed in torrents, and rolled like waves in ihe fea : it had many fi(h in it, 
 feme like torches, others refembling live coals ; which they called lychnifci. 
 There is but one entrance into the three rivers, and at the mouth of them 
 flood, as porter, Timon of Athens. By the affiftance, however, of our 
 guide, Nauplius, we proceeded, and faw feveral * punifhed, as well kings 
 as private perfons, and amongft thefe fome of our old acquaintance : we 
 faw t Cinyrus, hung up by a certain part, and roafting there. Our guides 
 oave us the hiftory of feveral of them, and told us what they were puniihed 
 for : thofe, we obferved, fuffered moft feverely, who in their life-times had 
 ' told lies, or written what was not true, amongft whom were Ctefias the Cni- 
 dian, Herodotus, and many others. When I faw thefe I began to con- 
 ceive <^ood hopes of hereafter, as I am not confcious of ever having told 
 
 a ftory. 
 
 Not able to bear any longer fuch melancholy fpedlacles, we took our 
 leave of Nauplius, and returned to our Ihip. In a fhort time after we had 
 a view, but confufcd and indiftindt, of the Illand of Dreams, which itfelf 
 was not unlike a dream, for as we approached towards it, it feemed as it 
 were to retire and fly from us. At laft, however, we got up to it, and en- 
 tered the harbour, which is called X Hypnus, near the ivory gates, where 
 there is a harbour dedicated to the § cock. We landed late in the evening,, 
 and faw feveral dreams of various kind. I propofe, however, at prefent, to 
 give you an account of the place itfelf, which no body has ever written 
 about, except Homer, whofe defcription is very imperfed:. 
 
 Round the iiland is a very thick wood ; the trees are all tall poppies, or 
 Ij mandragoras, in which are a great number of bats ; for thefe are the only 
 
 • PuniJI.-'ed.'] Voltaire has improved on this pafTage, and given us a very humorous account 
 of les Habitans de I'Enfer, in his wicked Pucelle. 
 
 t Cinyms.} Who, the reader will remember, had jufl before ran off with Helen, and was 
 unfortunately caught in the faft. 
 X Hypnus.'] Greek, "i/ttko;, fleep. 
 § The cock.] As herald of the morn. 
 
 \\ Mandr agora.] A root which infufed is fuppofed to promote fleep, confequently very pro- 
 per for the Ifland of dreams. 
 
 — Not poppy, nor mandragora, 
 Nor all the drowfy fyrups of the Eaft, 
 Shall ever medicine thee to that fwcei fleep 
 Which thou owd'ft yefterday. See Shakfpeare's Othello. 
 
 birds
 
 The true HISTORY. ^^3 
 
 birds they have here : there is llkevvife a river which they call * Nydiporus, 
 and round the gates two fountains ; the name of one is -f Neo-retos, and 
 of the other J Pannychia. The city has a high wall, of all the colours of 
 the rainbow. It has not two gates, as § Homer tells us, but four, two of 
 which look upon the plain of Indolence, one made of iron, the other of 
 brick : through thefe are faid to pafs all the dreams that are frightful, 
 bloody, and melancholy ; the other two, fronting the fea and harbour, one 
 of horn, the other, which we came through, of ivory ; on the rioht hand, 
 as you enter the city, is the temple of Night, who, together with the cock, 
 is the principal objedt of worfhip amongft them. This is near the harbour ; 
 on the left is the palace of Somnus, for he is their fovereign, and under him 
 are two viceroys, || Taraxion, the fon of Matseogenes, and ^ Plutoclcs, the 
 fon of Phantafion. In the middle ot the market-place ftands a fountain, 
 which they call 4- Careotis, and two temples of Truth and Falfchood : there 
 is an oracle here, at which Antiphon prefides as high-prieft; he is inventor 
 of the dreams, an honourable employment, which Somnus beflowcd upon 
 him. 
 
 The dreams themfelves are of different kinds, fome long, beautiful, and 
 pleafant, others little and ugly ; there are likewife fome golden ones, others 
 poor and mean; fome winged and of an immenfe fize, others tricked out 
 as it were for pomps and ceremonies, for gods and kings ; fome we met 
 with that we had feen at home ; thefe came uj) to and faluted us as their old 
 acquaintance, whilft others putting us firfl to fleep, treated us mofl: magi.i- 
 
 * Ny^ifiorus.] Night-wanderers. 
 
 •j- Negretus.] Gr. ktypro?, inexperre£tus; umvaked, or wakeful, 
 X Pannychia.'] Gr. mcx.viVMoi., pernox, all nighr. 
 § Homer.'] Two portals firm the various phantoms keep; 
 Of ev'ry one; whence flit to mock the brain 
 Of winged lies, a light phantaflic train; 
 The gate oppos'd pellucid valves adorn, 
 And columns fair, incas'd with pollifti'd horn ; 
 Where images of truth for paflage wait. 
 
 See Pope's Homer's Odfley, B. xix. 1. G^j. 
 See alfo Virgil who has pretty clofely imitated his mailer. 
 
 II Taraxion.'] Gr. Tapa|»«»« To»/>i«Tao7£>Bj, terriculum vanipori ; Fright, the fon of vain-hope, 
 or Dlfappointment. 
 
 <j[ Plutocks.] Gr. tXhtokAj* Tor <part-«i7iw».f, divitiglorium, the pride of riches ; i.e. arifing 
 from riches, fon of phantafy, or deceit. 
 
 4- Carcoiis.] Gr. xoftfeT»». gravi-fomnem, heavy flcep, 
 
 L I 1 2 ficiently.
 
 444 TheTRUEHISTORY. 
 
 ficently, and promifed that they would make us kings and noblemen ; fome 
 carried us into our own country, fhewed us our friends and relations, and 
 brought us back again the fame day. 
 
 Thirty days and nights we remained in this place, being mofl luxurioufly 
 feafted, and faft afleep all the time, when we were fuddenly awaked by a 
 violent clap of thunder, and immediately ran to our fnip, put in our ftores, 
 and fet fail. In three days we reached the iflaiui of Ogygia. Before 
 we landed, I broke open the letter, and read the contents, which were as 
 fallows : 
 
 ULYSSES TO CALYPSO. 
 
 " This comes to inform you, that after my departure from your coafls in 
 the veffel which you were fo kind as to provide me with, I was fhip-wrecked, 
 and faved with the greateft difficulty by Leucothea, who conveyed me to the 
 country of the Phsacians, and from thence I got home ; where I found a 
 number of fuitors about my wife, revelling there at my expence. I deflroy- 
 ed every one of them, and was afterwards flain myfelf by Telegonus, a fon 
 whom I had by Circe. I flill lament the pleafures which I left behind at 
 O^ygla, and the immortality which you promifed me : if I can ever find an 
 opportunity, I will certainly make my efcape from hence, and come to you." 
 
 This was the whole of the epiftle, except, that at the end of it, he re- 
 commended us to her protedtion. 
 
 On our landing, at a little diftance from the fea I found the cave, as de- 
 fcribed by Homer, and in it Calypfo, fpinnhig : fhe took the letter, put it 
 in her bofom, and wept ; then invited us to fit down, and treated us magni- 
 ficently. She then afked us feveral queflions about Ulyfies, and enquired 
 whether Penelope was handfome and as chafle as UlyiTes had reported her to 
 be ? we anfwered her in fuch a manner as we thought would pleafe her bell ; 
 and then returning to our fliip, flept on board clofe to the fhore. 
 
 In the morning, a briik gale fpringing up, we fet fail. For two days we 
 were toflfed about in a florm ; the third drove us on the pirates of Colocyn- 
 thos. Thefe are a kind of favages from the neighbouring illands, who com- 
 njit depredations on all that fail that way. They have large fhips made out 
 of gourds, fix cubits long ; when the fruit is dry, they hollow and work it 
 into this fiiape, ufing reeds for marts, and making their fails out of the leaves 
 of the plant. They joined the crews of two fhips and attacked us, wounding 
 many of us with cucumber feeds, which they threw inftead of ftones. After 
 
 fighting
 
 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. ^4.5 
 
 fighting fome time without any material advantage on either fide, about noon 
 we faw juft behind them fome of the ^ Caryonautse, whom we found to be 
 avowed enemies to the -f- Colocynthites, who, on their coming up, imme- 
 diately quitted us, and fell upon them. We hoifted our fail, and got off, 
 leaving them to fight it out by themfelves : the Caryooautse were moft pro- 
 bably the conquerors, as they were more in number, for they had five fhips, 
 which befides were ftronger and better built than thofe of the enemy, being 
 made of the fhells of nuts cut in two, and hollowed, every half nut being 
 fifty paces long. As foon as we got out of their fight, we took care of our 
 wounded men, and from that time were obliged to be always armed and pre- 
 pared in cafe of fudden attack. We had too much reafon to fear ; for fcarce 
 was the fun fet, when we faw about twenty men from a defert ifiand advancing 
 towards us, each on the back of a large dolphin. Thefe were pirates alfo : 
 the dolphins carried them very fafely, and feemed pleafed with their bur- 
 then, neighing like horfes. When they came up, they Hood at a little dif- 
 tance, and threw dried cuttle-filh, and crabs-eyes at us ; but we, in return, 
 attacking them with our darts and arrows, many of them were wounded, and 
 unable to ftand it any longer, they retreated to the ifiand. 
 
 In the middleof the night, thefea being quite calm, we unfortunately firuck 
 upon a halcyon's neft, of an immenfe fize, being about fixtyfladia in circum- 
 ference : the halcyon was fitting upon it, and was herfelf not much lefs : as 
 fhe flew off, fhe was very near over-fetting our fhip with the wind of her 
 wings, and as fhe went, made a moft hideous groaning. As f ;on as it was 
 day, we took a view of the neft, which was like a gr^at fliip, and built of 
 trees ; in it were five hundred eggs, each of them longer than a hogfhead of 
 Chios. We could hear the young ones croaking within : (o, with a hatchet 
 we broke one of the eggs, and took the chicken out unfledged; it was big- 
 ger than twenty vulturs put together. 
 
 When we were got about two hundred fladia from the neft, we met with 
 fome furprifing prodigies. A chenifcus came, and fitting on the prow of 
 our Ihip, clapped his wings and made a noife. Our pilot Scintharus had 
 been bald for many years, when on a fudden, his hair came again. But 
 what was flill more wonderful, the mafl of our fhip fprouted out, fent forth 
 feveral branches, and bore fruit at the top of it, large figs, and grapes not 
 
 * Caryonaufie.} Nut-failers ; or, fallers in a nut-fliell. 
 •j- Colocynthites.'] Thofe who failed in the gourds. 
 
 quite
 
 446 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 
 
 quite ripe. We were greatly aftonifKed, as yon may fuppofe, and prayed 
 moft devoutly to the gods, to avert the evil which was portended. 
 
 We had not gone above five hundred ftadia farther, before we faw an im- 
 menfely large and thick wood of pines and cyprufes ; we took it for a tract of 
 land, but it was all a deep fea, planted with trees that had no root, which 
 ftood, however, unmoved, upright, and, as it were, fwimming in it: ap- 
 proaching near to it, we began to confider what we could do beft ; there was 
 no failing between the trees, which were clofe together, nor did we know 
 how to get back. I got upon one of the higheft of them, to fee how far 
 they reached, and perceived that they continued for about fifty ftadiaor more, 
 and beyond that it was all fea again: we refolved, therefore, to drag the Ihip 
 up to the top-boughs, which were very thick, and fo convey it along, which, 
 by fixing a great rope to ir, with no little toil and difficulty, we performed ; 
 got it up, fpread our fails, and were driven on by the wind. It put me in 
 mind of that verfe of Anrimachus the poet, where he fays, 
 The fliip fail'd fmoothly through the fylvan fea. 
 We at length got over the wood, and, letting our fiilp down in the fame 
 manner, fell into fmooth clear water, till we came to a horrid precipice hol- 
 low and deep, refembling the cavity made by an earthquake, we furled our 
 kiils, or fhould foon have been fwallowed up in it. Stooping forward, and 
 looking down, we beheld a gulph of at leaft a thoufand fiadia deep, a moft 
 dreadful and amazing fight, for the fea as it were was fplit in two. Looking 
 towards our right hand, however, we faw a fmall bridge of water that joined 
 the two feas, and flowed from one into the other ; we got the fhip in here, 
 and with great labour rowed her over, which we never expeded. 
 
 From thence we palTed into a fmooth and calm fea, wherein was a fmall 
 illand with a good landing-place, and which was inhabited by the Bucephali ; 
 a favage race of men, with bulls heads and horns, as they paint the mino- 
 taur. As foon as we got on fliore we went in fearch of water and provifion, 
 for we had none left ; water we found foon, but nothing elfe : we heard, in- 
 deed, a kind of lowing at a difi:ance, and expefted to find a herd of oxen, 
 but, advancing a little farther, perceived that it came from the men. As 
 foon as they faw us, they ran after and took two of our companions, the 
 reft of us got back to the (hip as faft as we could. We then got our arms, 
 and, determined to revenge our friends, attacked them as they were divid- 
 ing the flelh of our poor companions : they were foon thrown into confufion 
 
 and
 
 The T R U E H I S T O R Y. 4^7 
 
 and totally routed ; we flew about fifty of them, and took two prifoners, 
 whom we returned with. All this time we could get no provifion : fome 
 were for putting the captives to death : but not approving of this, 1 kept 
 them bound, till the enemy fhould fend ambaffadors to redeem them, which 
 they did ; for we foon heard them lowing in a melancholy tone, and moft 
 humbly befeeching us to r^leafe their friends. The ranfom agreed on, was a 
 quantity of- cheefes, dried filh, and onions, together with four flags, each 
 having three feet, two behind and one before. In confidf ration of this, we 
 releafed the prifoners, flaid one day there, and fet fail. 
 
 We foon obferved the fifh fvvimming and the birds flying round about us,. 
 with other figns of our being near the land ; and in a very little time aftir, 
 faw fome men in the fea, who made ufe of a very uncommon method of fail- 
 ing, being themfelves both fhips and pafTengers. I will tell you how they 
 did it; they laid themfelves all along in the water, they fattened to their 
 * middle a fail, and holding the lower part of the rope in their hands, were 
 carried along by the wind. Others, we faw, fitting on large cafks, driving 
 two dolphins who were yoked together, and drew the carriage after them ; 
 thefe did not run away from, nor attempt to do us any injury ; but rode 
 round about us without fear, obferving our vefTel with great attention, and 
 feeming greatly aftonifhed at it. 
 
 It was now almoft dark when we came in fight of a fmall ifland inhabited 
 by women, as we imagined, for fuch they appeared to us, being all young • 
 and handfome, with long garments reaching to their feet ; they were gayly 
 drefTcd, like fo many harlots, and with great freedom came up to and em- 
 braced us : every one took her man home with her, to entertain him. 1 he 
 ifland was called -f- Cabalufa, and the city Hydamardia. I flopped a little, 
 for my mind mifgave me, and looking round, faw feveral bones and fkulls of 
 men on the ground ; to make a noife, call my companions together, and 
 take up arms, I thought would be imprudent. I pulled out my ^, mallow, 
 
 * Tbelr miJMcJ^ Lucian fays, efGu<rxmf m a,i^mx^ /xcyaXa j^f ftfectr. i| uvrx» oGsvr,» TriTas'fl^Tij, &C. 
 which the learned reader, if he thinks proj er, may interpret for himlelf. 
 
 •j- Cabalufa.'\ and Hydamardia, are hard words which the commentators confcfs they can 
 make nothing of. Various, however, are the derivations, and numerous the guefles made about 
 them. The Englifh reader may, if he pleafes, call them not improperly, efpecially the firll, 
 Cabaliftic. 
 
 i My Mallo^M.'] Which the reader will remember was given him by way of charm, on his de- 
 parture from the happy illand. 
 
 there-
 
 448 The T II U E H I S T O R Y. 
 
 therefore, and prayed moft devoutly that 1 might efcape the prefent evil ; and 
 a little liliie afterwards, as one of the firangers was helping us to fomething, 
 I perceived, inftead of a woman's foot, the hoof of an afs : upon this, I 
 drew my fword, feized on and bound her, and infilled on her telling me the 
 truth with regard to every thing about them. She informed me, much 
 againft her will, " that llie and the reft of the inhabitants were women belong- 
 ing to the fea, that they were called * Onofcileas, and that they lived upon 
 travellers who came that way. We make them drunk, faid fhe, get them 
 to bed, and when they are afleep, make an end of them." As foon as fhe 
 had told me this, I left her bound there, and getting upon the houfe, called 
 out to my companions, brought them together, fhewed them the bones, 
 and led them in to her; w^hen on a fudden fhe dilfolved away into water, and 
 difappeared. I dipped my fword into it by way of experiment, and the water 
 turned into blood. 
 
 We proceeded immediately to our vefTel and departed. At break of day 
 we had a view of that continent, which we fuppofe lies dire(ftly oppofite to 
 our own. Here, after performing our religious rites, and putting up our 
 prayers, we confulted together about what was to be done next, bome were 
 of opinion^ that after making a little defcent on the coaft, we fhould turn 
 back again ; others were for leaving the fhip there, and marching up into 
 the heart of the country, to explore the inhabitants. Whilft we were thus 
 difputing, a violent ftorm arofe, and driving our fhip towards the land, fplit 
 it in pieces. We picked up our arms, and what little things we could lay 
 hold on, and with difficulty fwam afhore. 
 
 Such were the adventures which befel us during our voyage, at fea, in 
 the iflands, in the air, in the whale, amongft the heroes, in the land of 
 dreams -, and laftly, amongft the Bucephali, and the Onofcile^e ; what wc 
 met with on the other fide of the world, fhall be related f in the enfuing 
 books. 
 
 *• Onr/dkas.] Gr. oi/oo-xtXw?, afini-cruras, aff-legged. 
 
 ■\ lu the enfuing booh.'] The enfuing books never appeared. The true hiftory like 
 The bear and fiddle. 
 Begins, but breaks off in the middle. 
 D'Ablancourt, as I obferved above, has carried it on a little farther. There is flill room for 
 any ingenious modern to take the plan from Lucian, and improve upon it. 
 
 THE
 
 THE 
 
 T Y R A N T - K I L L E R. 
 
 nisFiecehafcribedto LvciAi^^md to h met zvitb, Ibelieve,in every Edition of his 
 IForks, though the Reader will not find a Grain of the S2l\ Atticum, or Luciani- 
 cum, in any Part of it. It feems, indeed, to be nothing but a juvenile Exercife, like 
 the Declamations now written and fpoke by our Toung Men at both Univerftties. 
 In which Cafe, it may pofibly have been penned by Luciau for one of his Pupils. 
 As conftdered tn this Light, and in this only, we may receive it as his, zvithout In- 
 jury to his CharaBer. An afft^ied Subtilty of Argument, and Tmfel Eloquence, 
 runs through the whole, which fmells fir ongly of the Schools, and points out the 
 Falfe Tqfte which began to prevail in the Age when Luc i an lived, and which, 
 foon after, overfpread the World of Science and Literature. Erasmus /^^ji taken 
 the Trouble to write an Anfwer to the Tyrant-Killer, longer than LucianV, and 
 to fay the Truth, almofi as dull and uninterefiing, 
 
 IN one day, O reverend judges, I have /lain two tyrants, one advanced 
 in years, the other in the flower of youth, and prepared to commit more 
 injuries ; and for this I now appear before you, foliciting but one reward. 
 The only tyrant-killer who ever deftroyed two wicked men at one blow. The 
 fon fell by my fword, the father by his paternal affedion for him. The ty- 
 rant fuffered the punilhment he deferved, by feeing hig fon flain before him, 
 and was afterwards, wonderful to relate, forced to be his own tyrant-killer. 
 The fon perillied by my hand, and, when dead himfelf, was the inftrument 
 of another murther : in his life, the partner of his father's crimes, and after 
 death, his father's murtherer. I alone have put an end to the tyranny, it is 
 my fword alone which has done all. I have reverfcd the common method of 
 flaying the bafe and wicked, I have flain the flrongeft and moft powerful 
 with my own hand, and left the weak old mnn to the fword alone. For 
 deeds like thefe, I exped from you a double reward, and that I fliould have 
 been paid for as many as I have flain. As I not only faved you from the 
 prefent, but delivered you from the fear of future evils; made your liberty 
 fecure, and left no heir to perpetuate the fame crimes hereafter. In thr mean 
 time, I find myfelf in danger of lofing the reward of all my fervices ; and I 
 alone fliall fuffer by thofe laws, which I myfelf was the preferver of. My 
 Vol. I. M m m adver-
 
 45© The T Y R A N T - K I L L E R. 
 
 adverfary oppofes me, not from his love of public juflice, but becaufe it 
 Ihould feem, he is concerned for thofe who are llain, and would revenge their 
 death on him who deftroyed them. 
 
 Permit me, reverend judges, to lay before you what you have yourfelves 
 experienced, the miferies of tyranny ; thus Ihall ye be more fenfible of the 
 benefits which I have procured for you, and of the weight of thofe evils from 
 which you are delivered. We have not, like others, groaned beneath one 
 tyranny alone, nor borne the infolence of one matter only, but felt the lalh 
 of two cruel tyrants. The old man was, indeed, much the more tolerable, 
 more eaiily appeafed, more flow to punifliment, and with more prudence re- 
 llrained thofe appetites and paflions which his age did not permit him to in- 
 dulge : he was not himfelf of fo arbitrary a difpofition, but from the firft was 
 urged on by his fon, to a(5ts of cruelty and oppreffion : to him he yielded in 
 all things, being remarkable for his paternal affecftion, as his death fufficient- 
 ly evinced. His fon was every thing to him, and him he obeyed. What- 
 ever adt of injuftice the fon commanded, the father performed ; when the 
 fon bade him, the father puniflied : the fon, in fliort, tyrannized over the 
 father, and the father was no more than an officer under the fon, to do hi» 
 will and minifter to his defires. The young man, indeed, out of refped: to 
 his age, did iiot take the title of king, though he was, in effedl, at the head 
 of every thing. He took care to preferve the power in his hands, at the 
 fame time he was the fource of every injury. He iflued out orders to the 
 guards, he repaired the bulwarks, he terrified the cor.fpirators, cut off the 
 opprefTed and rebellious fubjedts, deflowered virgins, and abufed the mar- 
 riage-bed ; murthers, banifhments, feizing of goods, tortures, injuries of 
 every kind were his conftant pradtice. The old man connived at all he did,- 
 and approved of it: it became at length too horrible to be fufiered by us. 
 When the evil affeflions of men have the power of empire to fupport them, 
 they know no bounds. What moft afHid:ed us was, that we knew our 
 flavcry muft be of long duration, or rather without end ; and that we fliould 
 be delivered down from one wicked tyrant to another : others might comfort 
 themfelves, and fay. This muft end foon, he will die, and we fliall be free. 
 But we had no fuch hopes, for the fucceflbr was ready and prepared to take 
 the empire : yet none of all thofe, who thought as I did, would dare to 
 flrike a ftroke ; all hopes of liberty were loft, and that tyranny was thought 
 invincible, which had fo many to fupport it. 
 
 Thefe
 
 The tyrant, killer. 451 
 
 Thefe things, however, did not terrify me, the difficulty of the tafk did 
 not prevail on me to lay it afide, nor did the fighr of danger alarm me with 
 fear : I alone attacked this complex tyranny, I alone with my good fword, 
 .flew the tyrant ; with death before my eyes, I determined with my own life 
 to redeem the public freedom. When I came to the firft ftrong tower, after 
 flaying all the guards I met, and pufhing through every obftacle, I made 
 my way to the fource of all our calamities, beheld the tyrant refifting with 
 all his might, but, with many wounds, I at length overcame, and flew him. 
 
 My undertaking fucceeded, and the tyranny was now at an end ; from 
 that moment we all were free : the old man alone remained, unguarded, 
 and unarmed ; his great defender now cut off, he was totally deferted, and 
 was no longer worthy of a brave and powerful adverfary. Thus, therefore, 
 O judges, I faid to myfelf, '« Every thing is now well, every thing is done, 
 all is happily finilhed ; how is he to be punifhed who ftill furvives ? he is 
 unworthy of me, and of this hand ; itfliall not, after fo great and noble a deed, 
 be difgraced : fome more vulgar one fliall be employed : nor Ihall he profit 
 by this calamity : no, let him behold, and let him fuffer ; let the fword lie 
 by him ; to that I commit the reft." 1 determined on this, and left him : 
 he ad:ed as I thought he would, the tyrant flew himfelf, and thus crowned 
 the deed. 
 
 I come, therefore, to you, with good tidings of joy and freedom, bidding 
 you all to be of good cheer with me, who have eflabliflied for you a demo- 
 cracy. Ye fee the fruit of my labours, the city is freed from its wicked 
 rulers; none tyrannifes now amongft you ; you may now beftow honours on 
 whom youpleafe, renew the courfe of juftice, and difpute openly according 
 to the laws. All this is the work of my hands, the effed of my bravery, all 
 owing to that death which the father could notfurvive; for this I now fulicit 
 the reward that is due to me : not, that from mean and fordid avarice, not, 
 that from the hopes of gain, I meant to ferve my country; but that by }our 
 bounties, you may confirm the merit of my adtions, nor detrad: from the ho- 
 nour of it, by with-holding that reward which it hath fo amply deferved. 
 
 My adverfary ftill denies that I have any right to afk this of you, that I 
 am not the tyrant- killer. That 1 have not aded according to the law, and 
 that fomething is flill wanting to intitle me to the reward : but thus would I 
 interrogate him : What more do you require of me ? was I not willinc/ r did 
 I not go up? did I not flay him? did I not fet you free? who now reigns.? 
 
 M m m 2 xvho
 
 452 The TYRANT- KILLER. 
 
 who now commands ? what mafler now threatens us ? hath any of the wicked 
 doers efcaped me ? none, you muft fay, none. Every thing is in peace, 
 and the laws prevail. Freedom is uninterrupted, the democracy is eftablifh-. 
 ed, marriage is unreproached, our children are fearlefs, our virgins are fe-» 
 cure, and the whole city hath inftituted public feftivals to celebrate its com- 
 mon happinefs. Who is the author of all this ? who put an end to our ca- 
 lamities, and produced this happinefs ? if there be any more worthy of this 
 honour than myfelf, to him I yield the reward : but I alone have done 
 all this, I went through the danger; I went up, I flew, I puniflied, I re- 
 venged myfelf on one, by the afliftance of another. Wherefore doft thou 
 thus abufe my noble deeds ? wherefore wouldeft thou perfuade the people to 
 be ungrateful fo me ? 
 
 But you did not (fays one,) flay the tyrant himfelf, and the law decrees the 
 reward to the tyrant-killer. And where, tell me, is the difference between 
 killing him one's felf, or being the caufe of his death ? furely none. All 
 that the legiflator looked to, was the liberty and power of the people, and to 
 free them from every injury ; this claimed the honour, and this merited the 
 reward : this which you cannot deny but I performed : for if I deftroyed 
 him, after whofe death the other could not furvive, I was doubtlefs the de- 
 flroyer of the other alfo ; the flaughter was mine, though by his own hand. 
 Difpute no longer, therefore, on the manner of his death, nor how he fell ; 
 but afk whether he yet lives, or is no more ? whether I gave him that which 
 caufed him to be no more ? otherwife, you might as well difpute his title to 
 the reward, who fliould kill the tyrant not with a fword, but with a ftone, a 
 club, or any thing elfe. What if I had ftarved him to death, would you 
 then have objeded that I did not kill him with my own hand ; or fay, that 
 fomething ftill was wanting according to the law, though the criminal would 
 then have died a more cruel death. Adhere, therefore, to this only, afk 
 this queftion alone, be inquifitive about nothing but this. Which of the evil 
 doers is ft;ill alive? what are we now afraid of? v/here is even the remem- 
 brance of our woes ? if every thing is now pure, if every thing is peaceable ;, 
 it is only the part of a calumniator, to make ufe of the mere manner of the 
 action, only to prevent its deferved reward. 
 
 If, from the length of a continued flaver}', I have not forgot the laws, it is 
 there faid, I think, that there are two caufes of death : if a man kills a per- 
 fon with his own hand, or if he forces another to do it, and is the caufe of 
 
 his
 
 The tyrant- killer. 4^3 
 
 his death, he is equally to be punifhed : and furely with the greatefl juflice, 
 for the law confidered the power given, equal to the fad itfelf. It is unne- 
 ceffary, therefore, to enquire into the mode of doing it: The man who 
 thus kills another, you acknowlege, Ihouid be punifhed, and would, by no 
 means have him excufcd for it. Why, therefore, Ihould not he' for the 
 fame reafon be rewarded, who has done, be the manner what it would, a pub- 
 lic fervice? neither can you fay that I did it by chance, and that this event 
 happened beyond my expcdtation. What had 1 to fear, when the ftronocr 
 of the two, and he who alone could refift me, was already llain ? why did I 
 leave the fword in his throat, if I had not forefeen what would happen ? un- 
 lefs you will fay, perhaps, that he who thus periled was not really the ty- 
 rant, nor was fo called, neither if he died, would you have given any more 
 rewards. Would you therefore, when the tyrant is flain, with-hold the re- 
 ward from him who flew him ? what a ridiculous folicitude about nothing f 
 why need you care how he died, if you enjoy your liberty ? or, would you 
 require any thing elfe of him, who has fixed the democracy for you? the 
 law, as you acknowlege yourfelf, takes notice of the principal circumflance, 
 and enquires concerning nothing elfe : why then Ihould not he who has ex- 
 pelled the tyrant, receive the reward of a tyrant-killer > certainly he ought 
 in juftice to have it, for he fubflituted freedom in the room of flavery. There 
 is no baniftment here, no fear of future invafion. This adlion of mine has 
 made a final deftrudiion, cut off at once the whole race, and totally extirpat- 
 ed the evil. 
 
 And now enquire, I befeech you, whether I have omitted any one thing 
 which the law prefcribes, or if any thing be flill wanting to fulfilir. Firfl^ 
 and above all, it is necelfary to have a brave and a daring foul, ready to go 
 through every danger for the public good, and facrifice its own fafety to the 
 honour of the ftate ; have I in this been wanting, have I ever been fofrened ^ 
 or effeminate, did 1 lay afide the enterprize at the thoughts of difficulty or 
 danger? Ye cannot fay it; confider me, therefore, as only making the re- 
 folution, even if my attempt had not fucceeded, and fay whether I ought 
 not to demand the reward : would it have been unreafonable even if I could 
 not have done it, and another had {lain him afterwards; if I had faid, I, 
 O fellow citizens, planned this enterprize, I purfued, and I attempted, I 
 therefore merit the reward ; what anfwer would you make me ? But this I do 
 not fay ; I fay that I afcended into the fort, that I incurred many dangers^ 
 
 and
 
 454 
 
 The tyrant-killer. 
 
 and performed many brave adions before I killed this youth. It was no 
 eafy thing for any man to get through the watch, to overcome the guards, 
 and put fo many to flight : thefe were great and noble deeds, the killing the 
 tyrant himfelf was not fo difficult a tafk, as to get the better of all thofe who 
 defend and fupport him •, when that is done the reft is eafy ; but there was 
 no getting at him without firft conquering thofe who were about him. I will 
 fay no more, but reft my caufe on this ; I gained the fort, I overcame the 
 guards, I took away from the tyrant his fupport and defence, and left him 
 naked and unarmed ; am not I for this worthy of the reward, or will you 
 ftill demand of me his life ? Nor even if you fliould demand this, Ihall it be 
 wanting ; I returned not bloodlefs, but made a great and noble flaughter, 
 even a youth in the prime of life, one who was formidable to all, one to 
 whom he trufted every thing, and wh® alone was a better defence than all 
 his guards ; and after fuch and fo many deeds as thefe, ihall I remain dif- 
 graced and unrewarded ? What if I had fiain but one guard, what if I had 
 deftroyed but one of the tyrant's flaves who was dear to him ; would it not 
 have appeared a great thing to you, if any man had got up into the tower, 
 and in the midft of all his guards, had flain one of his friends ? But behold 
 he is flain himfelf, even the fon of our great enemy, the moft cruel tyrant, 
 the moft implacable mafter, the moft inhuman pu niftier, the moft violent 
 oppreflbr of the two, and, what to us was moft dreadful, his heir and fuc- 
 ccflTor ; who alone could multiply and extend our calamities hereafter : fup- 
 poflng that this alone were done, and that the tyrant himfelf had efcaped, 
 and was ftill alive ; even for this only 1 demand the reward. What fay ye ? 
 will ye allow it me ? were ye not in dread of him ? was he not your lord and 
 mafter ? was he not hateful? was he not intolerable? 
 
 Conflder, therefore, and determine the affair : what my adverfary requires 
 of me I have performed : I have flain the tyrant by another flaughter, not 
 indeed at one blow, w^hich would have been to him far more defireable, but 
 after I had tortured him with grief, after I had placed before him all that he 
 held dear, a beloved fon in the flower of his age, killed, and weltring in his 
 blood ; this was the worft of wounds a father could feel, this was a death 
 worthy of the moft cruel tyrant, this was a punifliment fuitable to fuch ini- 
 quity : to have died immediately, to have been deprived at once of fenfe 
 and motion, without beholding fuch a fpedtacle, would have been a mercy 
 which he did not deferve. Think not that I was ignorant, no man could be 
 
 fo.
 
 Th E T Y R A N T - K I L L E R. 4J5 
 
 fo, of his fond attachment to his fon ; I well knew he could not long furvive 
 him : all parents have thisaffeftion for their children, and he above all, who 
 confidered him as the beft prop and fupport of his power, as going through 
 every danger for his father, and being, in fhort, his beft fecurity for the poi- 
 feffion of his empire. I knew, if not from love and tendernefs, from forrovv 
 and defpair he muft foon perilh, as well knowing that lite could no longer be 
 precious, when that power which his fon alone could fecure was taken from 
 him. Every thing, therefore, prefled upon him, natu'-e, grief, terror, dcT- 
 pair, and the fear of that which was to come: thefe forces did I employ 
 againft him, and drove him to his laft determination : he died miferably, 
 deprived of his fon, weeping, and afflidled, lamenting, indeed, but a fhort 
 time, yet long enough to deftroy a father, and, which was moft drcadfal, 
 died by his own hand, the worft of all deaths, and infinitely more painful 
 than if he had fallen by any other. 
 
 Where is my fword ? who layeth claim to it ? who carried it up into the 
 tower ? who laid it before t^e tyrant ? O thou, my friend and partner in the 
 noble deed, after all our dangers, how are we fpurned and negledted ! If for 
 this fword, O citizens, I ihould afk the reward ; if I Ihould fay, the tyrant 
 left unarmed wifned to die, and this my fword fupplied him with the means, 
 if this fword thus kindly affifted you in the refloration of your liberty, will" 
 you not think k worthy of honour and reward ? Would you not recompence 
 the mafter of fo profitable an inftrument, and infcribe his name in the lift of 
 thofe who had beft deferved of the commonweal ; would ye not hang up 
 this fword in your temple, would you not worlhip it amongft your deities ? 
 
 And now liften to me, whilft I tell you what moft * probably the tyrant 
 did, and what he faid before his death : when he beheld the wounds on. 
 every part of his fon's body (for I wiftied to fhock him as- much as poffible 
 with the fight) he v/ould cry out with agonies on the unhappy parent, who 
 could only be a helplefs fpedlator of his ruined family» For I, the principal 
 adtor in this tragedy, had left behind the fcenc the fword, and all that was 
 necefTary to fill up the melancholy cataftrophe, when, beholding his expir- 
 ing fon, drenched in gore, with innumerable wounds, he cried our, " We 
 die, my fon, we perifh, we are flain as tyrants: where is the murtherer? 
 
 * Wljat nw^ prohahly.'] It is plain from this Cngle paflage that the whole is nothing but a 
 feigned tran taction, fomething only that might have happened : the orator tells you not what 
 the tyrant did fay, but what he might have faid, which confirms me in the opinion that this- 
 piece is merely a fchooUboy declamation» 
 
 f&JT
 
 ^56 The T Y R A N T . K I L L E R. 
 
 for what hath he referved ? to whom hath he delivered me, flain as I am, 
 my fon, through thee ? Doth he defpife thus an old man, and to punifti me 
 by flow degrees, thus extend my death, and prolong my torments? Thus 
 faying, hegrafped the fword (for he was unarmed, relying on his fon's pro- 
 tedion), this I had left ready for him on purpofe ; and, drawing it out of 
 the wound, " before this (he cried), thou didft deftroy, but now thou Ihalt 
 affift me, now comfort a weeping father, and help this aged hand, flay a 
 tyrant, and put an end to his miferies : O would to heaven I had lit fooner 
 on thee, would I had fallen the firft ! Only as a tyrant I then had died with- 
 the confolation that I had left behind me an avenger : but now I perilh child- 
 lefs, and have not even left a murtherer to deftroy me. How many wounds 
 are here ! How many deaths 1 What a variety of punifhments, how many 
 llaughters of tyrants !" 
 
 Ye have all feen rhe youth lying dead before you ; no little work, nor eafi- 
 ly accomplifhed. Ye have feen the old man by him, their blood mingled 
 tQo-ether, a libation to Jove the Deliverer; this is the work of my hand; ye 
 have feen the fword itfelf, the inftrument of vengeance, boailing, as it were, 
 that it was not unworthy of its mafter, but had faithfully performed the 
 office to which I had affigned it. This deed done by me is hitherto unparal- 
 leled. I abolifhed the whole tyranny, though, as in a tragedy, the parts 
 were divided ; I adted the firft part, the fon pejformed the fecond, the tyrant 
 bimfelf the third ; and laftly, the fword miniitered unto all. 
 
 T H li
 
 THE 
 
 DISINHERITED SON. 
 
 A young Man is renounced and caft off (for fuch is the literal Interpretation of t lye 
 H'^orda.TromfMrroi/.tMoq), by his Father (we are not told why or wherefore); he goes 
 abroad andftudies Thyfic \ on his Return home, he finds his Father raving mad^ 
 vifitSi and cures him ; inconfequence of which he is taken in again, and they are 
 reconciled, ^he Mother-in-law, being feized with Madnefs, the young Phyfi- 
 cian, though intreated by the Father, refufes to prefcribe any Thing for her ; he 
 is again cafi off and banifhed; he then appeals to the Laws for Redrefs. This, 
 according to Lucian's Commentators, and Title- Mongers, is the SubJeEl of the 
 Piece before us, which has as little IVit or Humour to recommend it as the Ty- 
 rant-Killer. I.uciAN, thefuppofed Author, was, we know, originally a Lawyer, 
 though, for Reafons frequently hinted in his Works, he declined the Profefion, 
 He might, however, have been applied to by the young Man to draw up this De- 
 fence, which may thus, zvith fome Degree of Probability be afcribed to him. Af- 
 ter all, it is nothing mor( than a dry uninterefiing Pleading before a Court of Ju- 
 dicature: we are not, therefore, to wonder at the Dullnefs of it, 
 
 IN this profecution of my father's, O reverend judges, there is nothing 
 new or uncommon, nor is this the firft time that he has been unreafon- 
 ably incenfed againftme; he is always ready to appeal to the laws, and 
 flies, as ufual, to this tribunal : my misfortune is, indeed, fingular and ex- 
 traordinary, becaufe, guiltlcfs as 1 am myfelf, I muft fuffer for the imper- 
 fection of the art which I profefs, if it doth not implicitly obey his com- 
 mands. Can any thing be more abfurd and ridiculous than to expeft I can 
 cure, not as far as my art will permit me, but as certainly, and as often as 
 he defires me ? Would to heaven I could boaft of a medicine that could cuie 
 men, not only when they were mad, but when they were angry without a 
 caufe ! then might I eafily remove my father's diforder. His madnefs is 
 undoubtedly gone off, but his paflion is more furious, and, which is word 
 of all, he feemsin his fenfes to every body elfe, and only rages againft me, 
 who had relieved him. You fee how I am rewarded for it, by a fecond 
 banifhment from his houfe and family, as if I was only called back for a fliort 
 time, to be doubly difgraced by another cruel rejedion. 
 
 Vol. I. N n n When
 
 458 The DISINHERITED SON. 
 
 When I think I can be of fervice, I never Vv^ait to be fent for, I came 
 therefore uncalled to his affiftance : but where there are no hopes of fuccels 
 I never chufe to aft at all. With regard to this woman, I dare not inter- 
 fere : if I had not fucceeded, what muft I have expected from him, when I 
 am thus treated, only for not attempting it ! I am fmcerely concerned at the 
 diforder of my mother-in-law, becaufe Ihe is a good woman. I am con- 
 cerned on account of my father, who is truly unhappy about her; and, above 
 all, I am concerned on my own account, becaufe it appears as if I refufed 
 on purpofe, though my reafon of prefcrlbing nothing to her is, in reality^ 
 becaufe her diftemper is fo violent that it is not in the power of art to re- 
 move it. 
 
 For what reafons I was iirfl banifhed is but too apparent from his prefent 
 treatment of me. To his former accufations the life which I afterwards led 
 is a fufficient anfwer, and what he now urges againft me will be eafily refuted 
 by what I am going to mention. I, who was fo intradlable and refradory ; 
 I, who brought fliame and difgrace on my father and family, made no an- 
 fwer to all his violent exclamations againfl me ; when I left his houfe, I 
 thought the bell teftimony in my favour would be my future life, and that it 
 would appear how much I abhorred thofe crimes which he imputed to me, 
 'yv'hen I employed myfelf in the moft ufeful ftudies, and kept company with 
 the beft and wifeft men. I even then forefaw what would happen, and that 
 his mind would not long continue found, who could be thus unjuftly angry 
 with his fon. and accufe him of crimes which he never committed. Many 
 others were likewife of opinion that the furious threats which he uttered, his 
 unreafonable hatred, his bitter reproaches, his unjuft condemnation of me,, 
 were preludes to the enfuing diforder, and marks of future infanity ; and I 
 then thought I Ihould one day Hand in need of the medical art to aflifl me m 
 the cure of it. 
 
 1 went abroad, therefore, and by confulting the ableft phyficians in foreign 
 countries, and pu-rfuing my ftudies with indefatigable toil and affiduity, at 
 length made myfelf mafter of the art : on my return home 1 found my father 
 raving mad,- and given over by all our own phyficians, wht) had not gone 
 to the bottom of things, nor entered into the nature of difeafes with fuffi- 
 cient accuracy and attention. I performed the part of a good fon, thought 
 no more of the banlfhment I had fufFered, nor did I wait till I was fent for 
 by him. 1 did not even condemn his behaviour to me ; I thought it could 
 
 not
 
 The disinherited SON. 4^^ 
 
 not properly be imputed to him, but confidered all to have been, as I be- 
 fore obferved, the confequence of his dlforder ; I went, therefore, to him 
 uncalled ; I did not, indeed, undertake to cure him immediately, for that 
 is not our cuftom, nor is it warranted by our art, which teaches us firft to 
 confider whether the difeafe is curable, or beyond the reach of medicine, 
 and then if it is fit to be taken in hand, with all diligence we enter upon it, 
 and endeavour to fave the patient : but if, on the other hand, we perceive 
 that the dlflemper has plainly got the better, and is infuperable, we never 
 attempt any thing, obferving the laws of the ancient maflers in the fcience, 
 who fay, that we Ihouid never touch the fallen. Seeing, however, that 
 there were ftiii hopes of my father, and that his diftemper was not yet be- 
 yond the limits of a poffible cure, after the mofl: diligent attention, I boldly 
 poured in my medicines on him, though many who were prefent were very 
 doubtful of their efficacy, found fault with my method of cure, and fcemed 
 ready enough to abufe me for it : my mother-in-law was prefent at the time, 
 in great fears and defpondency, not that (lie had any averfion to me, but 
 that fhe was terrified, as well knowing how very ill he had been : (he had 
 been perpetually with him, and the difeafe was as it were familiar to her. 
 I was not, however, deterred j well aflured that the fymptoms I relied on 
 could not fail, and that my art would not deceive me, I depended, therefore, 
 on the cure from the firfl moment I undertook it : though many of my 
 friends endeavoured to difluade me from attempting it, fuggefting that if I 
 ihouid not fucceed, it would confirm the furmife, that I did it on purpofe 
 to be revenged on my father, and that I bore in mind the treatment which I 
 had received from him. In fine, he recovered, came to his fenfes, and 
 knew every thing as well as before ; every body there was afl:onifhed ; my 
 mother-in-law was lavifh in my praife, and feemed extremely rejoiced, both 
 at my fuccefs, and his recovery. With regard to himfelf, I mud do him the 
 iuftice to acknowlege, that as foon as he had heard what paflTed from thofe 
 about him, he immediately, of his own accord, recalled the banifhment he 
 had inflided on me, and took me back again as his fon, and called me his 
 worthy deliverer, confeffing that he had now experienced my goodnefs, and 
 excufing every thing that was paft. Many good men, who were prefent at this 
 fcene, rejoiced at it, though it gave no little uneafinefs to others, who would 
 rather fee a fon banifhed than reftored : fome of thefe changed colour, feemed 
 angry and diflurbed, as is frequently the cafe where envy and hatred pre- 
 
 N n n z vaiL
 
 46o The DISINHERITED SON. 
 
 vail. We, as you may fuppofe, embraced each other with mutual plea- 
 fure and fatisfadtion. 
 
 In a little time after, my mother-in-law fell ill of a moft dreadful and un- 
 accountable diforder, for fuch I obferved it to be from the very beginning 
 of it; it was not a common temporary madnefs, but an old, inveterate and 
 fixed diftemper of the mind, which broke out on a fudden : there were 
 many fymptoms attending it, which plainly Ihewed that it was incurable ; 
 one thing, indeed, very remarkable in this woman's madnefs was, that, 
 whilft others were prefent, it was fometimes tolerably mild and calm, but if 
 at any time Ihe faw a phyfician, or even heard the name of one, the difor- 
 der was prodigioufly increafed, a certain fign, amongft many others, that it- 
 could never be conquered. I faw it with the greateft concern, and pitied 
 the woman, as being, which Ihe did not merit, peculiarly unfortunate. My 
 father, notwithftanding, who, unfkilful as he was, neither knew the foun- 
 dation nor the danger of her difeafe, commanded me immediately to under- 
 take the cure of her, and to adminifter the fame remedy, concluding that it 
 muftbe the fame fpecies of madnefs, and, confequently, required the fame 
 medicine to remove it. When I informed him, which was the truth, that 
 it was impoflible tofave her, and that Ihe muft be overcome by the diforder, 
 he was angry, flew into a violent paffion, and faid that I withdrew my affift- 
 ance on purpofe, and facrificed the v/oman ; thus accufing me for the in- 
 fufficiency of my art : but it is ufual with the unhappy and diftreffed to bs 
 an8;ry with thofe who tell them the truth. I will plead the caufe, however,- 
 as well as I can, both for my ov/n fake, and for that of the art which I 
 
 profefs. 
 
 To begin, therefore, with the law of banilhment, and convince him that 
 he hath not the fame power over me as he had before : the legiHature hath 
 not permitted fathers to banifh or difinherit all their children, nor as often 
 as they pleafe, nor for every caufe; but as=it hath given parents leave to be 
 angry with their children, fo hath it likewife provided that children fhall 
 not fuffer without a fufficient reafon affigned for it : it has not allowed the 
 punifhment to be inflid:ed without judgement being firft given : it hath 
 therefore eftablKhed a tribunal, and appointed judges, who are to. determine 
 without favour or aifedion ; for often, it knew, frivolous caufes of anger 
 were produced, credit often given to calumny and falfehood, to a common 
 fervantj or a malicious v;oman :. it hath therefore decreed, that every thing: 
 
 fhould
 
 The disinherited son. ^^j 
 
 iJiould be enquired into, that Tons Ihould not be condemned unheard; 
 but that all (hould be fubmitted to an equitable and candid examina- 
 tion. 
 
 Since, therefore, the accufation amne is in the power of the father, and 
 it is in your's alone, O judges, to determine whether it be juft and well- 
 founded ; the fubjed of his prefent refentment you need not at prefent take 
 into confideration, but firft enquire whether he, who has already exercifed 
 the paternal authority, availed himfelf of the law, and condemned his Ton to 
 banilliment, can again exercife the fame right, after he had taken off the 
 baniihment,. and reftored him to favour. I affirm that it would be the high- 
 eft injuftice thus to multiply children's punifhments, perpetuate their fears 
 and repeat their condemnation, that the law Ihould thus firft coincide with- 
 the father's refentment, a little afterwards be totally relaxed, and then again 
 take place, turning every thing backwards and forwards at different times,- 
 juft as the parents Ihould think proper. It is certainly right and equitable 
 that a power of puniftiing fhould be lodged in the father; but when he has 
 exercifed that power according to the law, when he has fatisficd his refent- 
 ment, when, after that, he has changed his opinion of the offender, and re- 
 ceived him back as good and worthy, in this opinion he fliould remain, not 
 revoking his fentence, nor retracing his judgment. It is impoffible to fav 
 whether a child will turn out good or bad ; it is proper, therefore, that 
 thofe who bring them up fhould have the power of expelling fuch as aib 
 in a manner unbecoming their birth and family, but when not compelled 
 by neceffity, but of his own accord, a father Ihall receive a fon, whofe con- 
 dud he approves, how can he afterwards reverfe his opinions, or what more- 
 power can the law allow him ? for thus would the legiflatDr argue with vou 
 " if he behaved ill, and deferved baniftiment, why did you recall, why did 
 you take him into your houfe again ? why did you abrogate the law ? You 
 were free, and at liberty to do it or not as you thought proper. You are 
 not to mould the laws according to your pleafure, or to make equity and 
 juftice change with your opinion ; to expedt that the laws fliall take place 
 one moment, and be abrogated the next, or that the Judges ihall fit only as 
 witneffes, or rather minifters of your will, now punifhing, and now forgiv- 
 ing, juft as you pleafe to diredt them ; at one time alone you brought your 
 children into the world, once you educated them, once, and once only, 
 you have the power of repudiating them, provided it be done juftly; but 
 
 to»
 
 462 The disinherited SON. 
 
 to do it often, to do it iaconfiderately, and to do it perpetually, is going 
 beyond the paternal authority." 
 
 Do not, therefore, I befeech you, reverend judges, permit him, after he 
 harh of his own accord received me back, cancelled hts refentment, and an- 
 nulled the former judgment, again to inflid the fame punifhment on me, 
 to recur once more to that paternal authority which is now fpent and con- 
 fumed. You very well know, that in courts of judicature, where the judges 
 are appointed by lot, if any man thinks himfelf injured by thefentence paffed, 
 the law permits him to appeal to another tribunal ; but when men appoint 
 their own judges, and refer the caufe to them, there can be no farther ap- 
 peal, and if of your own accord you chufe thofe very perfons whofe judg- 
 ment you did not before confent to abide by, with their determination you 
 muft remain contented. In like manner you alfo, my father, whom you 
 ihould not have received back, if he feemed unworthy of being admitted in- 
 to your family, him, whom, notwdthftanding you fo well approved as to 
 take home again, you cannot now fend into banifhment : you have yourfelf 
 borne witnefs that he hath not deferved this of you, you have acknowleged 
 his merit and virtue. It is therefore indifpenfibly neceffary that you confirm 
 the reconciliation, and own that the reception you have giveu him can no 
 more be repented of, after the repeated determination of two tribunals ; one 
 when you caft me out from you, and the other, when having changed your 
 opinion, you reverfed the fentence, refcinded your former decree, and ad- 
 hered to your lad refolution. Remain therefore in that opinion, defend and 
 preferve your own judgment ; be indeed a father; this determination was 
 ao-reeable to you, this you have approved of, this you have ratified. 
 
 Nor do I think, that if I had not been your real, but only your adopted 
 (on, you were at liberty to baniHi and difinherit me. What is once done, 
 can never be undone. Him, therefore, who was by nature intitled to your 
 houfe and inheritance, and v^'hofe right you, moreover, confirmed by your 
 pwn will, and your own adl ; how can you expel, how can you deprive hini 
 again and again of the fame privileges? Suppofe I had been a flave, and 
 thinking me guilty of fome crime, you had bound and imprifoned me ; that 
 afterwards changing your opinion, and convinced of my innocence, you had 
 unbound and made me free ; could you ever, if again angry with, have made 
 ailave of me? by no means : the law, you know, in thefe cafe?, makes the 
 freedom perpetual. 1 could add much more to prove, that when the ba- 
 
 nilhed
 
 The disinherited SON. 4^3 
 
 filfhed perfon is once reftored, he cannot be banilhed again. But I have done 
 with this point. 
 
 You will now confider who and what I am, the man who is to be thus 
 banilhed ; I will not fay that I was then ignorant and unfkilful, but am now 
 a phyfician, nor was my art then of any fervice to nie : that I was then a 
 youth, and am now of riper years, and would not raflily do an injurv, for 
 this alfo is of little confequence. At the time when he turned me out of his 
 houfe, though I did him no injury, yet had I done him no great fervice; but 
 now, after I had fo lately prefcrved, and merited every thing from him, after 
 this could any thing be more ungrateful, after fuch a dan,;er got over by him, 
 and fuch a fervice performed by me, thus to reward me for it, to take no- 
 notice of his cure, but utterly to forget, and drive into folitude and obfcuri- 
 ty, the man, who, inftead of calling to mind the injuries received, not only 
 buried them in oblivion, but beftowed health and happinefs on hisoppreflbr? 
 
 Nor was it a fmall or inconfiderable favour which I conferred on him, on 
 him who would thus repay me for it ; but though he feems ignorant of it, 
 ye are not : ye well know what he did and what he fuffercd, in what a mifer- 
 able condition he was, when I took him under my care, when all the other 
 phyficians had given him over^ when his friends Ihunned, and were afraid 
 to come near him ; then did I reftore him, then did I enable him to appear 
 thus here againft me, and difpute the power and fenfe of the legiflature. To 
 you rather, O father, let me Ihew this pidure ; fuch you then were^ as my 
 mother now is, and I reftored you to your perfed; mind. It is moft unjull, 
 therefore, thus to reward me for it,- to Ihew that perfedt mind againft me 
 alone, when even your accufation manifefts how great a benefit I have be- 
 ftowed on you : inftead of this, hating me becaufe I cannot cure her who is^ 
 incurable ; ftiould you not rather, beyond meafure, love and efteem him 
 who freed you from the like calamity, and fincerely thank me for it r whilft 
 you, which is to the laft degree ungrateful, are no fooner cured, than you 
 drag your preferver to the tribunal ; call back the remembrance of paft of- 
 fences, and appeal to the fame law. A noble acknowlegemcnt indeed, to 
 the art that faved you, a fit reward for the remedy, thus to employ your 
 jfenfes againft the phyfician who reftored them ! 
 
 Will ye then fuffer him to pcrfccute his benefacftor, to banifti his preferver, 
 to abhor the man who reftored him, to deprefs the friend who raifed him?- 
 ye cannot do it, if ye have any regard to juftice. Even if 1 had now been.- 
 
 guilty
 
 4^4 The DISINHERITED SON. 
 
 guilty of the greateft crimes againll him, he ihould have called to mind the 
 benefit I had formerly conferred upon him, and looking back on pafl favours, 
 have forgiven the prefent injury, efpeclally when one is fo much greater than 
 the other. This is doubtkfs the cafe with regard to him who muft acknow- 
 lege it is owing to me that he lives, thinks, and underftands; and all this, 
 moreover, performed at a time when every body elfe had entirely given him 
 over, and owned that they were unequal to the cure of fuch a diforder. 
 
 At this time it may be added, I could not be confidered as his fon, nor 
 under any obligation to take the cure upon me ; 1 was an alien, a Granger, 
 and entirely free: yet did I not negled: him, but of my own accord, and un- 
 called for, flew to his affiftance ; 1 raifed, cured, and preferved him, by my 
 .diligence and attention, I appeafed his anger, by my filial piety, I cancelled 
 the law againft me, purchafed my return, redeemed my honour, Ihewed 
 my attachment to him at the moft dangerous crifis, by means of my art 
 adopted myfelf, as it were, into his family, and proved myfelf his true and 
 legitimate fon. What did I not go through for him, what pains did I take 
 in adminiftering the medicines to him, in watching the proper times and fea- 
 fbns, fometlmes giving way to the diftemper, and at others, when it remit- 
 ted a little, throwing in the affiftance of phyfic to oppofe it ! The care of fuch 
 men is the moft dangerous part of our pradice : even the attendance on them 
 is extremely hazardous ; for in the height of their phrenzy, they frequently 
 vent their rage on thofe who 'are near them. Under all this, notwithftand- 
 ing, I never loft -my patience, never was terrified or difmayed ; but ftruggled 
 by every poflible method againft the difeafe, and at length, by the power of 
 medicine, overcame it. 
 
 It is very eafy, perhaps, you will fay, togivcphyfic; but much, let me 
 tell you, muft be done before this ; the way muft be prepared for it, the 
 body muft be rendered fit to receive it, its habit altered, by purging, by 
 fweating, fometin^es, where it is neceflary, by nourilhment, by exercife, by 
 procuring reft and fleep. Thefe things may be, perhaps, eafily done in - 
 other diforders, but madmen, from the wild ftate of their mind, are more 
 difficult to be led or governed ; they are more dangerous, therefore, to the 
 phyfician, and fcarce ever to be cured : for it often happens, when we flatter 
 ourfelves we are got to the end of this diftemper, fome little fymptom oc- 
 curs, that overturns every thing we have done, gives it new ftrength, flops 
 «the cure, and mocks the power of art. 
 
 Will
 
 The disinherited son. 465 
 
 Will you then fuffer him who has gone through all this, who has flruggletl 
 thus with the moft obftinate of diforders, who has conquered the niofl: uncon- 
 querable of them, to be thus treated ; will you permit the reftored patient to 
 interpret the laws at his own will and pleafure, and to fight againft nature ? 
 I, O judges, obeyed her didates, and preferved my father, even though he 
 had injured me. But if he, in obedience to the laws, as he calls it, deftroys 
 the fon who faved him, and deprives him of his birth-right; he furely may 
 be called the children-hater, I the father-lover : I embrace nature, hedefpifes 
 her, and tramples on her commands. Unhappy father, founjufty to hate; 
 more unhappy fon, fo undcfervedly to love ! thus perfecuted, I accufe myfelf 
 for loving him more than duty bids me, and more than I ought; for nature 
 commands parents to love their children, more than it requires children to 
 love their parents : but he contemns the laws which always preferves the 
 birth-right for thofe fons who are innocent, and nature alfo, which plants 
 ftrong affc6lion in parents towards their children. But, as he has yet Wronger 
 reafons to be kindly affedionate to me from the fervices I have done him, 
 he ought certainly to be ftill more fond of me, at lead: to imitate my con- 
 duct, and emulate my attachment to him : but alas ! inftead of this, he cen- 
 fures him who hath fo loved, injures him who hath fo obliged, baniiheth 
 him who hath embraced him ; and hath fo diftorted the laws, as to make 
 thofe which are favourable to children, to the laft degree prejudicial to them. 
 How, alas ! my father, doft thou contend both with the laws, and with na- 
 ture; alas! it is not, my father, as you would have it to be ; you mifinter- 
 prct the beft conflituted laws, which always co-operate with nature, in fup- 
 port of benevolence; they never contradidt but follow each other, and unite 
 to repel every injury. You treat reproachfully one who hath deferved well 
 of you, and therefore are injurious to nature. Why abufe the laws alfo ? 
 good and juft as they are towards us, you will not pernnt them to be {o, 
 J3Ut flir them up againft one fon, as againft many, to inflid punifhment on 
 thofe who never deferved it. The laws condemn him, for ingratitude, who 
 doth not return thanks for benefits received. But what can exceed the in- 
 jury committed by him, who not only doth not return the benefit, but punifli- 
 eth his benefactor for it ! If thefe things are fo, I think I have fufficiently 
 demonftrated, that he hath no right to banifli and difinherit afecond time, 
 who hath already exercifed the paternal authority, and appealed to the 
 
 Vol. I. O o o laws :
 
 tjo^ The disinherited SON. 
 
 laws; and that neither could it everbejuft and right, to expel and drive 
 from his father and family, one who had deferved fo much better of them. 
 And now let us proceed to examine what the crime is which I ftand accuf- 
 ed of: and here we muft again recur to the intention of the legiilature. Sup- 
 pofing therefore, for a while, that you have a right to banilh as often as 
 you pleafe, even one who has conferred benefits on )^ou ; yet you have not a 
 right to do this for any caufe you Ihall think proper to affign. The legiila- 
 tor doth not fay, whenever a father accufes, let the fon be banifhed ; it fuf- 
 ficeth that he wills it, and that he can prove the fad alleged : where then 
 would be the neceffity of a trial ? But, on the other hand, he commands 
 you, judges, to try and determine whether the father isjuftly incenfed or 
 not ; this muft be the fubjeft of our inquiry. 
 
 I ihall begin, therefore, with what happened immediately after the mad- 
 nefs. The firft thing which my father did when he came to himfelf, was to 
 refcind the fentence againft me ; then I was his benefadtor, his preferver, 
 every thing in Ihort, to him : in this certainly there could be no crime. 
 With regard to what followed, what does he accufe me of ? what duty, 
 what aftion required of a fon, did I omit ? when did I ftay out all night ? what 
 unfeafonable revels or debauches was I ever guilty of ? what pimp did I 
 ever abufe or quarrel with ? who hath ever appeared againft me ? not one. 
 Thefe are the things which the laws allow, as fit and fufficient caufes of 
 baniihment. 
 
 But my mother-in-law was taken ill ; and what of that ? Was I therefore 
 to blame, was I anfwerable for her diforder ? no, you fay \ what then ? why, 
 becaufe, you fay, you were commanded to cure her and would not ; you re- 
 fufed to obey your father, and therefore you ought to be difinherited. I 
 Ihall not at prefent dwell on the reafons why I did not comply with com- 
 mands which it was not in my power to cbey; but, firft, beg leave fimply 
 to obferve, that neither doth the law permit him to enjoin every thing, nor 
 deems it neceflary that I Ihould obey in every thing. There are fome com- 
 mands which I am not obliged to comply with ; and others, which, if not 
 complied vvitii, fubjedt the offender to punifhment. Thefe, doubtlefs, may 
 be reafonable caufes of refentment ; but there are others in our own power to 
 comply with or not, fuch, for inftance, as depend on the arts, and our erD- 
 ployment of them. If the fon be a painter, and the father fays, fon, paiat 
 this, and not that j if he is a mufician, ftrike that ftring, and not the other; 
 
 if
 
 The disinherited SON. 467 
 
 if he is a fmith, work mc this thing, and not that : muft the fon be banifii- 
 ed for not doing as his father bade him ? by no means, I (hould imagine. 
 But the art of medicine is dill nobler and more ufcful, and (hould doubilcfs 
 be more free alfo, with regard to the profeflbrs of it. This, above all, (hould 
 have irs own juft prerogative ; a thing fo facred, the gift of heaven, bcftow- 
 cd by the gods ; the ftudy of the wifcll of men is not to be forced, is not to 
 be commanded ; not fubjccted to the flavery of the laws, to fear or puniflv 
 ment, to the fuffragc of judges, to the threats of a father, or to the anger 
 and refcntment of the unfkilful and illiterate : infomuch, that I would open- 
 ly and boldly fay to you, ** I will not aft ; I do not like it ; I will keep my 
 art for myfelf and my father alone ; for others I chule to know nothing." 
 What tyrant is there fo arbitrary as to force any man to cxercifc his art whe- 
 ther he will or not ? Such things arc to be obtained, not by laws, not by re- 
 fentmcnt, not by courts of judicature, but by prayers and fupplications: the 
 phyfician muft be overcome, not by command, but by perfuafion : he may be 
 prevailed on, but he will not be terrified, he will not be compelled to give 
 his alTiftance, but will come with pleafurc of his own accord. This art 
 fhould be free from paternal authority, feeing that every city bcftows on phy- 
 ficians many public honours, inmuinities, prerogatives, and precedency. 
 
 This I might have urged in defence of my art, even if you had taken care 
 to teach it me, and had paid for my learning it, and I had rcfufcd to under- 
 take this cure alone, when it was in my power. But only reflect within 
 yourfelf, how unreafonablc it is to forbid my making ufe of that which is 
 my own. I learned this art when I was no longer your fon, nor fubje<ft to 
 your commands, yet for your fake I learned it : you received the fir (I fruits 
 of it, though I had no fupport or alTiftancc from you : what mafter did you 
 hire for me? what medicines did you pay for .^ none at ail. I was poor and 
 dcftitutc, and rhe maftcrs inftruded me out of charity. All that my father 
 provided mc with, was poverty, folitude, and wrctchcdncfs -, the hatred of 
 all my family, the difguft and contempt of all my relations: in return for 
 this, you expeift that I (hould pradifc mr art ; you would be lord of all thofc 
 things w hich I was fupplied with ; you, who have no right to be mailer of 
 them, TC[\ fatisficd, that I did you a favour when I had no obligations to you, 
 and which you could have no right or title to : nor would it be juft, that my 
 former kindnels (hould lay me under the neceflity of conferring future bene- 
 fits on you, or becaufc I was w illing to alTifl you then, I (hould be forced to 
 
 O o 2 do
 
 468 The DISINHERITED SON. 
 
 do it now. I know of no law which fays, that when you have once cured any 
 man, you fhall be obliged to cure all thofe whom he fliall recommend to 
 you; that would be to make our patients mafters over us, which furely were 
 of all things the moll unjuft : bccaufe I raifed you from a moft dangerous 
 and dreadful malady, do you therefore think you have a right to all the be- 
 nefits and good effeds of my art? This I might have alleged in my own de- 
 fence, even if he had commanded me to do what it was in my power to per- 
 form ; even then I ihould have been under no neceffity of obeying him in 
 every thing. But let us now proceed to conlider what his commands were : 
 ** You cured me, fays he, when I \yas mad ; my wife is now mad alfo, ihe 
 labours under the fame difeafe, {i'or fo he thinks it,) and in the fame man- 
 ner is given over by other phyficians ; you can do every thing as you have 
 plainly Ihewn, cure her, therefore, and free her from her diforder." All 
 this may feem very rational to the unlearned, and fuch as know nothing of 
 phytic ; but, if you will permit me to plead for the art, I will convince you, 
 that every thing is not in our power ; that the natures of the diforders are dif- 
 ferent, and the cure alfo, nor will the fame medicines be fuccefsful in every 
 cafe : it will then appear, that not to be willing, and not to be able, are 
 things very diflant from each other. Permit me to philofophize a little on 
 this head, and do not condemn what I have to fay upon it as ridiculous;, un- 
 feafonable, and not belonging to the matter in hand. 
 
 In the firft place, then, the natures and temperaments of all bodies are 
 not the fame, though confifting of fimilar principles, of which fome have 
 more and fom.e lefs. I fpeak at prefent only of the bodies of men, which all 
 diifer in their texture and difpofition, and confequently the diftcmpers which 
 they are liable to mull alfo differ. With regard to the nature and virulen- 
 cy of them, fome are eafily cured or removed, whilft others are quickly 
 caught, but dcfperate and incurable : to imagine, therefore, that all fevers, 
 confumptions, inflammations of the lungs, or madnelTes, are alike and of 
 the fame kind in every body, is not to judge like rational men, who have 
 fearched into the caufes, and explored the nature of thefe things ; for the 
 fame difcrdcr is often eafily cured in one and not in another. In like man- 
 ner, as corn fown in different fields will appear different, what comes up in 
 a deep, well-watered, and funny foil, which is well tilled, and open to the 
 wind, will be full, fine, and yield many-fold ; whilft that which is fcattered 
 in the mountainous, floney earth, at the foot of hills, fhall be jufl the con- 
 trary.
 
 The disinherited SON. 469 
 
 trary. All in (hort, will be different, according to the difference of place. 
 And thus it is with diftempcrs, according to the bodies they are lodged in, 
 they thrive and incrcafc, or diminifh and go away. But all this, my father, 
 having never inquired into it, paflcs over, andcxpeds that madnefs in every 
 body fhould be the fame ; and confcqucnily, that the fame methods muft be 
 made ufc of in the cure of it. 
 
 It is eafy, moreover, to prove, that the bodies of women are very differ- 
 ent from thofc of men, both with regard to the diftemper iifelf, and to the 
 eafe or difficulty of removing it. The bodies of males are robull, fine.vy, 
 inured to labour, and excrcifed in all weathers : thofc of females fofi and 
 lax, uftd to fhadc and retirement, pale from the want of blood, deficient in 
 natural heat, and abounding in humours, more obnoxious to difeafcs than 
 men, and remarkably fubjcdto infanity ; for, as women have much kvity^ 
 and warmth of difpodtion, and are, moreover, more inclined to anger and 
 refentment, with bodies weak and infirm, they frequently fall into this dif- 
 order. It would be unreafonable, therefore, to exped from phyfitiaus, the 
 fame method of cure which they pradife with men, when they are convinced 
 how different they are in all their employments, and fiudies, and their 
 whole way of life, in which they are feparated from us, even at the carlicft 
 period of it. When you fay, therefore, ffic is mad, you (hould add alfo, 
 that a woman is mad, and not confound two different things under or.e name, 
 but feparate them, as nature hath, and confider what is proper to be done in 
 both. Firil, therefore, as I obferved in the beginning of my difcourfe, wc 
 mud inquire into the nature and temperament of the body, whether it be 
 cold or hot, of ripe age or advancing into years, large or fmall, fat or lean, 
 and fo forth : whoever enc^uires carefully into thefc things may be truftcd, 
 and will then be able to fay, whether the ca(c be dcfperatc, or there arc any 
 hcpcs of fuccefs. 
 
 Of madrvcfs itfelf, there are various kinds, from various caufcs, and wi:h 
 different appellations; nor is it the fame thing to be foolilh, to rave, to be 
 furious, to be melancholy ; thcfe are all different names of the difcafc in its 
 different lUres: the caufes, likewife, are different in men from what they 
 are in women, in old men and in young; in the latter, for inftance, the dif- 
 order proceeds from a great quantity of bile and acrid humoUrs, in the lat- 
 ter from an overflow of intemperate anger, and unieafonablc rcfcutmcnr, 
 which generally brca'uS out on thole of their own family ; this firft agitates 
 
 and
 
 470 The DISINHERITED SON. 
 
 and diflurbs, and by degrees, drives them to madnefs. Many things throw 
 women into this diftemper, particularly a violent hatred againft any one, 
 the envy of a happy rival, or any grief or paffion. Thefe lying hid under 
 the aflies, as it were, for a long time, at length break forth into open in- 
 
 fanity. 
 
 Thus, my father, it happened to your wife : fome misfortune was, per- 
 haps, the caufe of her diforder ; flie hated no body : fhe was feized, how- 
 ever, with it, nor can Ihe be cured by any medical art or ikill. If any body 
 elfe will ever pretend to this, or ever free her from it, then hate and abhor 
 me as the author of all. Nor even, if her cafe was not fo defperate, and there 
 were fome hopes of her recovery, would I venture to prefcribe any thing for 
 her, for fear of being refleded on if I did not fucceed. It is univerfally re- 
 ceived, that (lep-mothershave an invincible hatred of their fons-in-law, how 
 good foever they may be ; they all rage, as it were, with one common fe- 
 male fury. If it turns out ill, therefore, and the medicine is not powerful 
 enough, people may fufped that there was fomething unfair and malevolent 
 in the application of it. Such is the condition of your wife, that were Ihe to 
 take a thoufand potions, flie would be never the better for them ; it is to no 
 purpofe, therefore, to adminifter any thing to her, nor would you advife 
 me to it, unlefs with a view, if I fail, of drawing infamy upon me. Let me, 
 I befeech you, ftill be the objed of envy amongft my brethren : if, in fhort, 
 after all, you fliould again banifli me, and I fhouid be defeited by all, I will 
 not curfe you. If your diftemper Ihould return, which heaven forbid ! but 
 thefe diforders, when irritated, are too apt to return, how fliould 1 then ad:? 
 I will then, you may depend on it, again moft certainly cure you ; for never 
 will I forget that duty which nature has enjoined, nor be unmindful of my 
 family ; and if I fliould again reftore you, doubtlefs you would again receive 
 me. Whilft, therefore, you are doing thefe things, and thus profecuting 
 me, you invite the difeafe, and, as it were, anticipate the evil. Recovered 
 but three days fince from that dreadful calamity, you again cry out, are 
 again enraged againft me, and again appeal to the laws. Alas ! my father, 
 fuch were the fore-runners of your former infanity. 
 
 T H E
 
 THE 
 
 ORATION 
 
 O F T H E 
 
 AMBASSSADDORS of PHALARIS 
 
 T O T H E 
 PRIESTS OP DELPHOS. 
 
 7%}s Oration, as well as that which fucceeds it, feems to he merely dedamatorjf 
 7vritten by LuciAH, like fome other of his Pieces, as I have before oh/ervedy in 
 his CharaEler of a Rhetorician, or public Orator, containing rather what might 
 Jlf^ave been, than any Thing that a6lually was faid in favour of the famous Tyrant of 
 Jgrigentum. Conftdered as a laboured and argumentative Oration, it is not With- 
 out Merit. Lucian pleads the Caufe with IVarmth and Energy, and fupports 
 ■ he Character of his Hero as well as fnch a Chara^er can be fupported, 
 
 PHALARIS, our fovercign, hath fcnt us to you, O Delphians, to prc- 
 lent this * bull to Apollo, and at the fame time to acquaint you with 
 fome nccclTary truths, both in regard to himfelf, and the gift he offers. 
 This is thebufincfs which brought us hither, and this the melfage which we 
 here deliver to j'ou, in obedience ro his commands. That all Greece, faith 
 Phalaris, fliould know me to be what I am, and not fuch a one as the lying 
 report of the envious hath reprefented me to the ignorant world, is an ho- 
 nour I would gladly purchafe, at the expencc of every thing I am polTcflcd 
 of; and, above all, that I might thus appear to the facred counlellors of 
 Apollo; thofe, who arc, as it were, the friends and companions of the 
 
 * Butl.'\ Phalaris is here fuppofed to have dedicated his famous brazen bull to Apollo, after 
 having taken out Perilaus alive, a circumrtance rather improbable, and for the truth ot which 
 we hiivc no gootl authority. The whole ftory ol this embalfy is, indeed, moft probably a fiction 
 of Lucian's, and contrary to the generally received account of Phalaris, as related in theepiUlcs 
 generally attiibuted to him. See the Treface to my irauflatiou of the Epifllcs oi Phalaris 
 pilutd m 1749. 
 
 d^iry;
 
 472 O R A T I O N F P H A L A R I S's 
 
 deity ; for I am convinced, if I can clear myfelf in your opinion from the 
 imputation of cruelty, fo falfely laid to my charge, I fhall {land acquitted 
 before all mankind. To the truth of what I aflert I call god to witnefs, 
 whom no falfliood can impofe on, or man deceive. Mortals may be delud- 
 ed ; but from god, and above all, from our god, no fecret can lie hid. 
 
 Sprung from one of the nobleit families in Agrlgentum, liberally educat- 
 ed, and verfed in all the politer arts of Greece, I foon became popular in 
 the city, and in the adminiftration of public affairs behaved with the utmoft 
 equity and moderation towards my partners in the government ; nor in the 
 early part of my life was I ever accufed of .cruelty or oppreffion, of a re- 
 proachful, or obftinate difpofition. But when 1 perceived that thofe, who 
 differed from me in their fcntiments of public affairs, were plotting againft, 
 and endeavouring by all the means in their power to deftroy me, and, in 
 confequence of this, a diffenfion arofe amongft the citizens, 1 fuund that 
 the only method of providing for the fecurity, both of myfelf and the com- 
 monwealth, w^as to put a flop to the confpiracy by force, and reduce the 
 whole body to fubmiffion : a defign which many of the mofl eminent citi- 
 zens, who had the good of the republic at heart, approved, when they were 
 convinced of the neceffity of fuch a refolution. With thefe to affifl me, I 
 could not fail of fuccefs. They raifed no more diflurbance, and I poffeffed 
 myfelf of the fupreme power. All complaints were immediately filenced ; 
 but no banishments, llaughters, or profcriptions were ever exercifed, even 
 on the confpirators, though fuch neceffary exertions of authority are gene- 
 rally made ufe of in the firfl eilablilhment of a tyranny. But I had reafon to 
 hope that by ad:s of mercy and generofity, and an equal diftribution of re- 
 wards, I Ihould, with more than ordinary facility, bring them to obedience; 
 and therefore, mutual pledges being given on each fide, I laid by all ani- 
 mofities with my enemies, and even made ufe of mod of them as my friends 
 and counfellors. 
 
 By the negligence of the magiflrates the city was almoft ruined ; the pub- 
 lic treafury openly plundered. I adorned it with magnificent buildings, fe- 
 cured it with walls, repaired the aqueduds, and encreafed thofe revenues 
 which flill remained to the Hate. The young men I took under my infpec- 
 tion, fupplied the neceflities of the old, and attached the people to my in- 
 terefts by public (hews, feafts, and largeffes. The corruption of our youth, 
 the deflowering of virgins, the carrying away other men's wives, the fend- 
 ing
 
 TO THE PRIESTS OF D E I. P M O S. 
 
 475 
 
 ing fokllers into private houfcs, the infolcncc of Imperious miftirs, and the 
 like, I ever looked upon with the iitmoft abhorrence. At length 1 rcfolvcd 
 with myfeif to lay down the tyranny, and employed my thoughts wholly on 
 the propercft method of procuring eafe and retirement during ihe reft of my 
 life; for to hold the fupreme pt»wcr, and take the whole burthen of affairs 
 on myfeif was, I found by experience, a cruel tafk, whiqh could only fub- 
 je(ft me to envv, labour, and anxiety. I even endeavoured to edablifh a 
 commonwealth, and to free the city, for the future, from that arbitrary 
 power, which I had myfeif poflclTcd. W'hilft I was deliberating on this, 
 thofe very men, whom I had before pardoned, entered into a new confpi- 
 Facy againft me; confultcd privarely about the execution of ir, railed arms 
 and money ; begged the affiftance of the neighbouring ftatcs ; and even fent 
 embarTies into Greece to rhe Athenians and Lacedaemonians, proclaiming 
 openly, at the fame time, thofe tortures which they had referved for me, in 
 cafe I fell into their hands, and that they would compel me to be my owa 
 executioner; but I efcaped their rage, and defeated their defigns; thanks to 
 the gracious god, and above all to Apollo, who forewarned me by dreams, 
 and informed me fecretly of all that palled. Had you yourfclvcs, O Dcl- 
 phians, been in the fame fituation, and under the fame dreadful apj^rehen- 
 fions, I doubt not but you would have adted in the fame manner. Tranl- 
 port yourfelvcs in thought, I befeech you, with me to Agrigcntum ; view 
 their preparations, hear their menaces, and tell me what I ought to have 
 done : fhould I again pardon, and tamely bear every thing they would inflift 
 on me, yield myfeif up to flavcry, and fee all I held dear in the world pcrifh- 
 ing before my face ? or, on the other hand, efteeming this the part of a 
 fool, and that it better became a manly mind to rcfent the injury, (hould 
 I not fecurc my future fafcty, by revenging myfeif on my enemies? 
 This, doubtlefs, is the advice you would have given me ; and how did I 
 behave ? I fummoned the criminals before me, produced the articles laid to 
 their charge, and on the fuilcrt examination, when they were not able to 
 deny their guilt, I punifhcd them defcrvcdly •, not fo much on account of 
 their confpiracy againll n^y life, as becaufe they had, by that means, i)Ut it 
 out of my power ever to execute the dcfign I had propofed. From that time 
 I have been always obliged to furround myfeif with guards, and to punifh 
 with the utmoft vigour every attempt againft me; and therefore am I ftyled 
 Vol, I. P P P <^f^cl
 
 474 
 
 ORATION OF PHALARIS 
 
 cruel by fuch as do not consider the neceffity of this behaviour; fuch as ex- 
 claim againft the punifhment of the offenders, without reflefting on their 
 crimes; which is jufl as equitable, as if a perfon, who Ihould fee a facri- 
 ligious wTetch thrown from the rock, by your orders, ftiould accufe you of 
 cruelty for thus punilliing a Grecian, in a place fo near the temple •, never, 
 at the fame time, remembering his guilt, or calling to mind that he had, 
 perhaps, entered the temple by night, ftolen your offerings, or even laid im- 
 pious hands on the ffatue of your god. Were a man, 1 fay, thus ridicul- 
 oufly to afperfe you, you would yourfelves fmile at the accufation, and all 
 men applaud your juftice. In reality, the populace, who never weigh the 
 merit of him who governs, hate the name of a tyrant ; and, jufl or unjuft, 
 they are at all events refolved to deflroy him, even though he were an ^acus, 
 a Minos, or a Rhadamanthus. The evil adtions of the bad are ever before 
 their eyes, nor arc the good (as the appellation of Tyrant is common to them 
 both), lefs fubjed: to their hatred and ill treatment. I have heard of many 
 wife and virtuous men, who, though they bore the name of tyrants, even in 
 the worft fcnfe in which it is moft generally received, have behaved with 
 the greateft mildnefs and humanity ; fome of whofe moral and fententious 
 maxims are now repofited in your temple. Lawgivers have ever looked on 
 punifhments as abfolutely neceffary in a ftate ; being perfuaded, that with- 
 out the fear of them, affairs could not poffibly be carried on ; and, I am fa- 
 tisfied, to tyrants they are ftill more ufeful, as we rule by force alone, and are 
 perpetually obnoxious to fuch as hate and confpire againft us ; fo that ter- 
 rors of a lighter kind are of no effect. It is the fable of the Hydra ; the 
 more we punilh, the more occaiions of punifhment prefent themfelves ; one 
 head is no fooner cut off, but another fprings up to fupply its place ; and we 
 are forced, like lolaus, to burn, if we expert to conquer. He, whofe hard 
 fate it is to be engaged in fuch an undertaking, muft be equal to it, or, by 
 fparing others, deflroy himfelf. After all, what man can you fuppofe of fo 
 cruel and inhuman difpofition, as to hear the groans, and fee the flripes of 
 another, unlefs he had the greateft caufe to inftidt them on him ? How 
 often have I wept, when others were beaten ? How often have I lamented 
 my own ill fortune, who bare thus myfelf the heavier aiFiidion ? For furely,. 
 to a man by nature good, and only cruel through neceffity, it was much 
 harder to inflidt, than to fuffer punifhment; and 1 declare, were it my 
 
 choice».
 
 TO THE PRIESTS or D E L P H O S. 475 
 
 choice, either unjuftly to torment others, or to die myfcH", I would (which 
 you, I truft, believe alfo), prefer the latter ; and fhouid any one even fay, 
 wouldft thou, O Phalaris, rather die ihyfclf ur.juftiy, or unjuftly prcfene 
 a traitor? None, 1 believe, is fo mad as not rather to live, than, by faving 
 his enemy, to fall himfclf a facrifice to him ; and yet how many have I par- 
 doned, even of thofc who fought my life ! amongft whom wrrc Acanthus, 
 Timocrates, and his brother Leogoras, the laft of whom I fparcd, from a 
 tender regard to that friendfliip in which we had formerly lived. But if yo« 
 would know the true charader of Phalaris, a/k them, whether I have not 
 behaved as I ought to all, who ever touched here on their travels; whether 
 I have not always appointed proper pcrfons to attend on the coaOs, and en- 
 quire of ftrangcrs who they were, and whence they came, that 1 njight treat 
 them all according to their refpcftive merit. Many great and eminent men 
 have even come on purpofe to fee and converfe with me ; who, on their re- 
 turn, have done juftice to my charader, which had been fo bafcly mifreprc- 
 fented to them. And can you believe, a man, whofe behaviour to ftrangers 
 was fo humane and generous, would ever injure his fellow-ci'izens, unlefs, 
 provoked to it by their moft fliigrant and repeated infuhs ? This is the fum 
 of what 1 have to urge in my own defence ; which is but truth and jufticc, 
 and will therefore, I perfuade myfclf, rather merit your approbation, thao 
 incur your difp^cafure. In regard to the prefcnt (which it is now time I 
 ihould fay fomething of) ; it may be proper to inform you whence it came, 
 and by what means 1 was poflllTcd of it : and firft, I never myfelf employed 
 any artirt to make it by my diredions, as I could never be foolifti enough to 
 wiili for any thing of this kind. But one Periljus, the moft ingenious ar- 
 tificer, as well as the word of men, and a ftrangcr to the difpofition of Pha- 
 laris, thought he could not confer a more acceptable favour on me, than by 
 the invention of fome new method of punifhment ; being thoroughly faiis- 
 fied of my defire of revenge on my enemies, by all the means I could dcvife. 
 Full of this opinion, he framed and brought me this bull ; a piece o( art 
 moft beautiful to behold, and formed fo exadlly in the refcmblance of a real 
 one, that nothing but found and motion were wanting to make it thought (o. 
 The moment I faw it I cried out, behold a gift truly worthy of Aix)llo. I 
 will inftanlly fend it to him. And how much, fald Perilaus, would your 
 amazement increafc, did you fee the wonderful art by which it is contrived, 
 
 P p p 2 acd
 
 476 ORATION OF PHALARIS 
 
 and for what u^e; and immediately opening the back, if, fays he, you 
 would punilh any one in an extraordinary manner, caft him into this bull, 
 and when he is Ihut up clofe within it, order fome pipes to be fattened to the 
 noftrils, and fire to be kindled beneath j the wretch within will then roar out 
 through incelTant pain, fending forth a mournful dirge of lamentable bellow- 
 ings through the pipes ; and, during his tortures, you will be entertained by 
 the mufic of them. Shocked at the invention of fuch a machine, I could 
 net but deteit the contrive:* of it ; and refolved to punifh him as he deferved. 
 Perilaus, faid I, to verify the truth of what you have afferted, enter firft 
 yourfelf, and fatisfy us whether there be, in reality, that harmony in the 
 inftrument, which you have fo much boafled of; receive the juft reward of 
 thy ingenuity, and let the mafter of the mufic give us the firft fong. He 
 obeyed; and being fhut up, the fire was kindled, and thus was his induftry 
 repaid. But, left by dying there he Ihould pollute fo noble a work, I or- 
 dered him to be taken out yet alive, thrown down from the rock, and his 
 body left unburied. 
 
 The bull, after expiation, I fent hither, as an offering to your god; com- 
 nianding the whole hiftory to be wrought upon it ; viz. my own name, 
 that of the artift, his advice, my juftice, and the proper punilhment in- 
 fiidted on him ; with an account of the horrid cries of the cruel inventor, 
 and the experiment he made of his own mufic. You will adt therefore, O 
 Delphians, as becomes the priefts of Apollo, if you will dedicate the bull 
 to him in your temple, and facrifice for me ; that all men may know how 
 I adl towards the wicked, and in what manner I avenge myfelf of their 
 cruelty. By this have I fufficiently fhewn my natural temper. Perilaus 
 was put to death, and the bull offered to Apollo ; not referved to torture 
 others ; nor did it ever bellow forth the cries of any but the deteftable in- 
 ventor of it, on whom alone I tried it, and put an end at once to fuch bar- 
 barous and inhuman mufic. This is all which I can now prefent to you. 
 Hereafter, when by the affiftance of that god, to whom this is dedicated, 
 I Ihall have no more enemies to punifti, I will bring other, and much 
 larger gifts. This, O Delphians, we were authorifed to deliver to you, 
 from our mafter Phalaris ; which we have done, with the ftridteft regard to 
 truth and juftice» We are worthy to be believed, as you can yourfelves bear 
 witnefs of our veracity ; and we have, on our parts, no reafon to delude.
 
 TO THE PRIESTS OF D E L P H O S. 
 
 477 
 
 or impofc on you ; but if, notwithftanding, wc mud petition you in be- 
 half of a man, falfcly accufcd, and driven, againft his will, to adsof feem- 
 in^ cruelty, wc Grecians, men of Agrigcntum, and defccndcd from the 
 Dorians, do, in the moft folcmn manner, here fupplicarc and bcfcech you, 
 that you would kindly embrace one, who earned ly fecks your favour, and 
 hath ftudied, both in public and private, to dcfervc it. Receive, there- 
 fore, this bull ; dedicate it ; pray for the profperity of Phalaris, and Agri- 
 gcntum ; and do not permit us to return unfuccefsful in our embaffy, led 
 you at the fame time affront our fovcrcign, and deprive your god of the 
 noblcd offering. 
 
 THE
 
 THE 
 
 ORATION OF o^E OF THE PRIESTS of DELPHOS 
 IN FAVOUR OF PHALARIS. 
 
 This feems to be meant ^j Lucian jj j kind offatirical Inventive againft the Ava- 
 rice and Selfipnefs of thofe who preftded over the Bufmefs of the Oracle. 
 
 AS I never, in a public capacity, received any obligations from the 
 people of Agrigentum, or, in a private ofte, from Phalaris himfelf ; 
 it cannot be fuppofed that my intcreft biafled me in their behalf, or the 
 hopes of his future friendfliip prejudiced me in his favour. But having 
 heard the ambaffadors, who, in the name of their fovereign, afk that of 
 you, which I cannot but think entirely juft and reafonable ; from a fincere 
 reo-ard, therefore, to piety and the public good, and, above all, as becomes 
 a prieft of Delphos, I rofe up with a defign to exhort you, in the ftrongeft 
 manner I am able, by no means to contemn the piety of the prince, or to 
 alienate a gift defigned as an offering to Apollo ; and efpecially as it will be 
 an everlafting teftimony of thefe three things, the wickednefs of the inven- 
 tor, the incomparable excellency of his art, and thejurtice of his punifh- 
 ment. Your doubts concerning the manner in which you Ihould proceed, and 
 the propofal, made by the magiftrates, to deliberate whether the offering 
 fliould be received or fent back, I look upon as impious ; or rather, intrwth, 
 as the height of impiety; little lefs, in effed:, than facrilege itfelf, the moft 
 heinous of all crimes : for to deny thole, who are willing to offer up gifts, 
 the power of doing it, is the fame thing as to rob the temple of fuch as arc 
 already offered. Let me, therefore, who, as I am myfelf a Delphian, have 
 an equal fliare with you in the public honour, if preferved ; and equal lofs 
 and infamy, if it be forfeited ; befecch you not thus to drive the good and 
 pious from our doors, and lay open our city to the calumnies of ill men, 
 who will not fail to report, that whatever gifts are brought muff be fubjeded 
 to our judgment and infpediion ; and who will offer prefents, when they are 
 affured that nothing will be accepted by Apollo, unlefs it be firft examined 
 into, and approved of by the Delphians ? But, in regard to the gift before 
 us, our god hath, I think, himfelf fufficiently teflified his approbation of it; 
 for had he detelled the tyrant, and abhorred his prefent, how eafy had it 
 
 been
 
 ORATION iM FAVOUR of P H A L A R I S. 479 
 been for him to have funk it in the Ionian fca ! But he, on the other hand 
 (asthey do thcnifdvesbcar witncfs)*, granted them a fcrcnc flty, and con- 
 cluded them fafc to Cyrra ; whence it evidently appears, that the piety of 
 Phalaris was acceptable to him, in obedience to whom you (hould now re- 
 ceive, and add this 10 the ornaments of the temple ; and furcly it were moft 
 abfurd that he, who had fent fo noble a gift, ihould be driven away with 
 contempt, ami have no other reward of his piety, than to be ju<lged unwor- 
 thy to offer any thing to Apollo. But my adverfary hath, it fecms, talked 
 to you, in a tragical and melancholy ftrain, of certain cruil rapines, and in- 
 human flaughtcrs, the tyrant hath been guilty of, which he affirms with as 
 much confiuencc as if he had been an cyc-witnefs of them, and were this in- 
 ilant arrived from Agrigcntum, though, we all know, he was never yet be- 
 yond our own harbour : but even thufc, who pretend to have fuffere<l 
 would not be fufficient evidence, as it would Itill be doubtful whether they 
 told truth ; and we are not to condemn any man for crimes, of w hich we 
 cannot prove him guilty. But fuppofing that thcfe things were done in fo- 
 ciety, it is by no means neceH'ary tor the Delphians to be lb folicitous about 
 them ; unlefs we intend, for the future, to ad: in the charader not of pricfls, 
 but of judges; and whilft our duty confilh only in worihip and facrifice to 
 our god, and offering up to him thofe gifts, which are fent to us, rather 
 chufe to fit deliberating among ourlelves, whether thofe, who live beyond 
 the Ionian fea, are well or ill governed. Let the affairs of others, I bcfecch 
 you, go en as they will, it is, in my opinion, our bufmefs to mind our own ; 
 to know our former and our prefent condition, and in what manner ro act 
 moft agreeable to our intereft. V\'c need not a Homer ro tell us that we live 
 amongrt rocks and precipices; and, as much plenty as there is in the world 
 \ve (hould be perhaps left of all people the moft deftitute, were it not that our 
 temple, our god, and thofi» pious men, who facrifice to him, fupply our 
 neccffitie-s. Thefe are our fields ; this is our revenue; to this we are indebt- 
 ed for all our provifion and all our abundance ; as the * poet fays, every thing 
 comes to us without ploughing, and without culture, by the labour of god, 
 who is our hufl)andman ; who not only blcffes us as much as any other na- 
 tion, but even bcftows on us every thing which Phrygia, Lydia, Affyria, 
 
 • Th Pod "[ Homer. SceOihflcy, b. ix. in hi» dcfcriptioo of the fortunate iHands. The 
 following palT.ige in fcripturc, has fcmcthing Omibr to this. ** \ have given you a land for 
 which you did not labour, and cities which yc built not, and ye dwell in ihcm ; of the vLiKyarxl» 
 and olives which ye planted not, do ye cat." Jofli. v»^ 1 3. 
 
 Qt
 
 480 ORATION IN FAVOUR of PHALARIS. 
 
 or Phoenicia, the people of Italy, or the inhabitants of the northern climates 
 enjo)^ We abound in riches and in happinefs, and are revered by all, next 
 to our God; this has been our glorious lot even to this day, and may it ever 
 remain fo. No one, I believe, can call to mind a time when any man was 
 by us prohibited the offering up facrifices or gifts; to which it is doubtlefs 
 owing that the wealth of our tempfe hath fo wonderfully increafed. Neither 
 at prefent, therefore, fhould any innovation be made, or any law enacfled, 
 contrary to the wifdom of our anceftors ; nor are the gifts offered to be fo 
 nicely examined, or inquiry made whence and from w^hom they come, but 
 immediately received and confecrated ; that fo we may pay our duty to our 
 god, and his pious worfhippers. In thefe circumftances therefore, ODelphians, 
 you will, I think, adt mod prudently, by giving a ferious attention to the 
 great importaiiCfi-of this bufinefs. No lefs than our god himfelf, his tem- 
 ple, and his facrifices, our ancient rites and cufloms, the glory of the oracle, 
 oXir future praiie or infamy, and laftly, the intereft of the whole city, and of 
 every individual in it, are now under confideration ; which you cannot but 
 own» on refleftion, to be of the utmofl confequence. Our debate is not up- 
 on the tyrant Phalaris only, or this bull ; but upon all thofe kings and great 
 men, who reverence this facred temple ; all the gold, filver, and other pre- 
 cious things, which Ihall at any time hereafter be dedicated. If we are to 
 determine according to the will of Apollo, why Ihould we not a(ft in the 
 fame manner we have always done; without fetting afide our ancient confli- 
 tution, through a fondnefs for novelty; and a defire of introducing a ridicu- 
 lous practice of fubjeding thofe, who offer up gifts, to our fcrutiny and in- 
 fpedion ; a pradlice utterly unknown to this city fince the foundation of it, 
 lince the Pythian firft gave oracles, the Tripos fpoke, or the priefts were 
 infpired ? You perceive how our temple is enriched ; that every one gives 
 fomething, and many even beyond what they can afford ; whereas, if you 
 fet up yourfelves as cenfurers and enquirers into the merit of every gift, I 
 much fear our pofterity will not have many offerings to boaft of; and no one 
 would make himfelf appear guilty^ or put himfelf to a confiderable expence, 
 with the hazard of being condemned, and brought into the greateft danger ; 
 for who indeed could bear even life itfelf under the ignominy of being pub- 
 licly adjudged unworthy to offer up a prefent to Apollo ? 
 
 END OF THE FIRST VOLUME. 
 
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