Abe Martinis Almanack Abe Martin's Almanack By Kin Hubbard COWTAININO Timely Hints to Farmers and Young \VdM«N Actual Facts About the Moon ASTROLOOICAL LORE, TRUE EXPLANATION OF DrEAMS Famous Political Speeches Rare Philosophical Musings and Much Valuable Information Along Many Lines bv Such Notable Minds as Hon. Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart Constable Newt Plum and His Son-in-Law, Pinky Kerr, Tilford Moots Niles Turner, Miss Fawn Lippincut Prof. Alex Tansey and Doctor Mopps, Esq. Together with Hundreds of Brand New Epigrams BY Abe Martin With Illustrathns by the Author Indianapolis The Bobbs-Merrill Comptujr Poblishers Copyright 1907 \\% A The Bobbs-Mcrrill Company \ ^ ^ November To My Mother M2tm052 Digitized by tine Internet Arciiive in 2007 witin funding from IVIicrosoft Corporation littp://www.arcliive.org/details/almanackabeOOIiubbricli Thanks are due to The Indianapolis News for permission to republisK much of the material in this volume ABE MARTIN l—dad-bora his old picture I P'tcnds he's a Brown couaty fixture — A kind of comical mixture — Ot hoss-scnsc and no sense at all I James Whitcomb Riley, Ahc Martinis Almanack Abe Martin's Almdhd'ck Parents that name ther daughters '^Goldie" will have t' take th' conse- quences. Af)e Martin's Almanack TO TUB j When Elmer Peters wuz killed at th' saw-mill Constable Newt Plum wanted t' break th' news gently t' his mother at Greensburg, so he sent her a pustal card in a envelope. Th' photergraf art has reached such perfection that it's purty hard t' tell any- buddy from ther pictures these days un- less theyVe got a funny nose er whiskers. «t Th' price o' smokin' terbacker remains jist th' same in spite of the unparalleled alfalfa crop. January 1 2 iFriUa^ 3 g)aturoa^ 4 OUR FATE-THE ZODIAC An Unusually Interesting Presentation of Astrological Lore and a Careful and Intelli- gent Analysis of the Gifts of Destiny. Com- piled After Years and Years of Arduous Study and Research by the Eminent Brown County, Indiana, Astrologist, Professor Alexander Tansey. DECEMBER 21 TO JANUARY 20 Sign of Capricornas (the goat) If you were born during the lat- ter half of December or the ear- lier half of January you took up the thread of life under the influ- ence of the sign of Capricomus, a dry, dusty sign of the Zodiac. The proteges of Capricomus are cold propositions, calculating and exclusive. They go to the theater alone and never light a cigar if they are with anybody. These Abe Martin's Almanack •people come into life with everything all set and I are immune from the misery of indecision, never I talking over a minute with a book-vender or a life- \insurance agent. Their cautious feet convert the very stumbling blocks of life into a beautifully paved thoroughfare, whereby they may win out all the faster. f These people often seek distinction in the politi- /cal world, always warming up with a few drinks / before they start out to throw the salve into the 7 middle classes. The more modest among them are I content with becoming bankers, copper kings and \ traction magnates. So cautious are the Capricornus \heirs that when they set out to land something they ^Imost appear to stand still. Naturally the women of this sign inherit a ten- derer impulse than the men, but even they are never popular at school. In womanhood they stand coldly aloof and are thoroughly despised by clerks, dressmakers and street-car conductors, January TO EXTERMINATE ROACHES Procure a box of roach powder from the nearest drug store, being careful to have the druggist guar- antee it. Scatter the powder freely in the crevices about the sink and pantry, repeating the dose each day until the powder is all gone. In a few days the roaches will arrive at the conclusion that you are not going to buy any more and will desert the premises. 5 6 7 8 tD:^ur0Da^ 9 iFriDai? 10 ^aturoa^ 11 IN THE LITERARY WORLD Miss Germ Williams — "I seen where th' author of 'Her First Lemon' has been accused of pla- giarism." Miss Fawn Lippincut — "Isn't it strange that a person endowed with such literary instinct would burn a buildin' ?" ■ \ Born — To Mr. and Mrs. Ike Sanders, Jonesville, Idaho, a child, January 10, 1907. Abe Martin's Almanack Th' woman that tries t' keep up with th' procession don't see near as much as her husband who stands on th' curb. Never feed a pup raw beefsteak if you have a family dependent on you. Ole Niles Turner says it begins t' look like th' Union wuz perserved jist so base- ball players could go South to gractise. January HINTS TO FARMERS A farmer may cleanse his finger nails with perox-] ide of hydrogen with an orange-wood stick and then apply ground pumice stone to make them look foxy. Ten times each day is often enough. Wild-animal dealers quote trained seals at $2,750. Next to a piano there is nothing so essential to a well-regulated farm. 12 13 14 15 tlTl^urfifna^ 16 iFritia^ 17 ^aturua^ 18 January 14, 1907— Czar's life attempted. Citizen — "Hey, Officer, send for the ambulance ! This man has been hit by an auto." Stranger — "Man, h— 1! I'm prominent Indiana democrat." Abe Martin's Almanack Th' Governor o' Wyoming is th' latest recruit t' th' Peruna beauty contest. ft Th' editors o' th' Chicago Sunday pa- pers seem t' know everything. It's purty hard t' underpay a city of- ficial. fi General Sherman evidently didn't know nothin' 'bout th' selectin' o' wall- paper when he made his famous remark. 91 / Th' handcuff king that give an exhibi- [ tion at Melodeon hall last night used t' I be a private banker. "^ 91 In these days when folks come a strag- glin' in th' the-ater at all hours it's purty hard t' git your money's worth unless you play in the orchestra. January SOME FACTS ABOUT THE MOON The moon's motion on her axis, unlike the elec- tric-light plant in a small town, is entirely uniform. Her angular velocity in her orbit, like a vaudeville program, is subject to slight change. The moon's surface contains about 14,685,000 square miles of good brick land, but no atmosphere and no water. A profound silence reigns over the desolate clay sur- face sustaining the old theory that no women abide there. A great many people plant garden seeds by ' \ the moon, and, in some instances, farmers have \ plowed by the moon in order to get off the follow- J ing day to attend the circus. Crocheting by moon- ^ light is extremely injurious to the eyes. There will ) be an eclipse of the moon at Shelby ville, Ind., May J 10, 1908. -^ 19 £pont)a^ 20 21 22 23 Mm 24 g>atttrua^ 25 PROF. ALEX TANSEY IN HIS STUDY Abe Martin's Almanack Constable Newt Plum reads th' Thaw trial out loud at th' blacksmith shop in th' mornin', an' in th' afternoon th' woman's club gits th' paper. S8 Dock Mopps says that Ole Ez Pash lies like a feller with a family horse t' sell. When anybuddy speaks of th' little town they came from they alius ring in th' city neerdest t' it. Marry in haste an' —git a job travelin' on th' road. IS "A dollar saved is a dollar made" is an ole sayin', but who wants t' do without meat all th' time? IS Ez Pash says he run th' first ingine over th' ole underground, railroad be- tween Xenia, Ohio, an' Paducah, Ky. January Th' married man that sets 'em up is spendin' his wife's wages. IS John and Ida got married And lived in Idaho forlorn, John hung around the billiard hall And let Idaho the corn. -—Old Song, 26 27 28 ^ftjnr0Da^ 29 tETijursfDa^ 30 iftiDa^ 31 January 27 — Septuagesima Sun- day — whatever that may be. January 30, 1649 — Charles I lost his head. Abe Martin's Almanack Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart has discovered another kind o' undesirable citizen — th' feller that eats soup like a walrus. It wuz thought fer a while Sunday that th' pustoffice wuz burnin' up, but it proved t' be a grocery se-gar. Young Lafe Bud has a great eye fer distances. He says he hasn't missed a cus- pidor fer nine years. /^ Th' plug fell out o' th' watcrin'-trough / on th' public square Saturday causin' I much damage in th' business district February 1 JANUARY 20 TO FEBRUARY 19 Sign of Aquarius (the Water Bearer) The Romans got together and dedicated the first month of the year to Janus, the two-faced god. There was some dissatisfaction over the dedication, but it was al- lowed to stand. Persons born dur- \ ing the latter half of this month \ or the first half of the next start ; out handicapped by the influence of Aquarius, and in innumerable instances have become piano tun- ers. Mozart and Mendelssohn be- longed to this sign. Prof. Clem Harner is now a member. Such : men attain much, but seldom real- ize the fulfilment of all their de- , sires because they are disposed to / fiddle around and discuss the Pan- ama Canal. An heir of Aquarius : finds it much easier to order a blue serge suit than to pay for it. Like Abe Martin's Almanack a turtle, he is impelled to retire within himself through his own sensitive nature when asked to pay a bill. Their swift soaring fancy often ends in their marrying persons of less sympathetic planets with disastrous results, the wife in almost every in- stance being allowed the custody of the children and the old home on Chestnut street. February Th' feller that belittles his "wife in com- pany is only tryin' t' pull her down t' his own size. 16 Another bad thing about "prosperity^* is that you can't jingle any money without bein' under suspicion. 2 3 QTutstsa^ 4 5 tlTljursftia^ 6 jprit^a^ 7 8 February 2, 1907- attempted. -Czar's life A BAD OMEN It is a bad omen to get mixed up in a stuffy jam with a stout lady wearing goat furs. Walter Wellman may make a 'dash for the Pole any day now. Abe Martin's Almanack /^ What has become o' th' ole fashioned ^ family doctor with th' long whiskers, that alius wanted t' be cuttin' somebuddy's leg off? Tell Binklcy, cashier o' th' Bean Blos- som Trust Company has skipped out after wreckin' th' concern t' th' last penny. He wuz verj popular an' had been investin' heavily m tourin' car repairs. February SOME HOMELY SUGGESTIONS Never crack walnuts with a gold tooth. When a skirt can not be packed full length in a trunk, gently fold one end of it. Never wear old underwear while traveling. You might get cut up in a wreck. To improve the appearance of clothes-posts, paint them green and train nasturtiums around them, be- ing careful to pull the clothes as they begin to turn and allow them to ripen in the sun. In using a carpet-sweeper with one hand and carrying the baby with the other it will be found very difficult to reach a hair-pin back of the piano. It is not proper to eat soup so you can notice it. 9 10 11 12 13 iFriUa^ 14 ^aturDa^ 15 PROBABLY NOT There is nothing so aggravating as a fresh boy that is too old to ig- nore or too young to kick. Abe Martin's Almanack Th' first thing a young woman should learn after she gits married is how t' tell a Ben Davis apple from th' genuine. Miss Germ Williams has an uncle buried under a tourin' car. You never know how many comical fellers live in your town till you walk thro' th' street with a new hoe on your shoulder. Dr. Knapp, o' Berlin, Germany, has discovered a cure fer red noses, but then a feller that boozes wouldn't waste money on an ocean trip. 16 It don't cost half as much t' live if you don't go down town after supper. February SOME HOMELY SUGGESTIONS The father of a bride-to-be should consider him- self lucky if he has clothes enough to appear on the veranda. Olives should be picked up with the thumb and index finger. When eating spaghetti the head should hang well over the plate. 16 17 tiruefi!tia^ 18 19 20 21 ^aturDa^ 22 JUST EXACTLY Enlisting in the United States navy to see the world is like going to the workhouse to l«arn broom- making. February 22, 1732— George Washington was born. The old fellow wouldn't be in it to-day. Abe Martin's Almanack Pinky Kerr hez a new inner-seal cap an' you can't tell it from th' real thing. If a feller screwed up his face when he asked fer credit like he does when he's asked t' settle, he wouldn't git it. No servant girl ever gits so well situ- ated that she quits readin' th' "Help Wanted" column. X Givin' half th' road t' an ortomobile is / th' hardest thing a farmer does next t' f plowin'. When th' temperature drops lo degrees below zero th' ice man ought t' put up er shut up. February Jist t' show you how some fellers' minds run, young Lafe Bud has got back from a pleasure trip through th' Northwest, an.' he says th' Iowa corn crop is a disappoint- ment. «tt Distant relatives er th' best kind, an' th' further th' better. 23 24 25 ^eijne0i5a^ 26 ®l)ur0Da^ 27 iFritia^ 28 g)atttrDa^ 29 MUNICIPAL" OWNERSHIP K FAILURE After the City Council of Barnesville, Ore., has tried for two years to keep a tin cup on the town pump it has finally given it up and has plugged the well. In Indiana it is considered good luck if, while riding on an interur- ban car, a white-headed boy with a box of rabbits shares your seat. HINTS TO FARMERS After a farmer's wife cuts his hair she should always scald the crock before putting it back in the milk-house. If you have buggy harness, use insect powder. ^""^ Abe Martin's Almanack Tllford Moots' youngest boy has lost five glass eyes since th' marble season be- gun. [A! feller feels simple when he's gittin' his photergraf took an' th' result gener- ally shows it. Miss Tawney Apple has a new forty- nine-cent east aisle hat. You never see no safety razors at a Hance. f« Prof. Alex Tansey Has given th' medi- cal world a jolt by declarin' that a wig grows after death. What has become o' th' old-fashioned wife that used t' think it wuz wrong t' neglect her household work? March 1 2 3 ^eune^tiai? 4 tET^urstia^ 5 iFriUa^ 6 §)BCurtia^ 7 FEBRUARY 19 TO MARCH 20 The Sign of Piscea (the Fishes) The Romans made the second month of the year sacred to Nep- tune, a sea-god who was very fond of water — afterward. People born during the latter half of February or the early half of March enter life under the immediate supervi- sion of Pisces, a sort of watery sign that indicates a disposition to own and operate a milk route, serv- ing their customers at three or four o'clock in the morning and awak- ening everybody in the flat. While not in the dairy business Darwin, Hugo and Chopin hap- pened in under this sign. Though the natural inclination of the Pisces-born is toward the milk business, should their paths lie in less pleasant places, they may achieve a certain amount of succesi Abe Martin's Almanack in the profession of the law. But they will be many times hungry and discouraged before they can hook j/^p to any coin. The women of this sign delight in >' Spring's first tender greens and the pale, faint flushes of waking day. In all probability it was of such women that Cale Fluhart was thinking when he penned the beautiful lines : She stood beside the depot door, She was waiting with the rest. The June sun played upon her nose. Sweet emotions filled her chest. vj Having once overcome their inborn desire to hang around the depot when the trains come in, these women take readily to general housework and become ideal wives and neighbors. The proteges of Pisces are advised to conduct their affairs with as little agitation as possible, never quarreling over a gas bill or arguing with paper-hangers. March 8 GENERAL OUTLOOK FOR 1908 By Prof. Alex Tansey The year 1908 comprises the latter part of the 132nd and the beginning of the 133rd year of Amer- ican Independence, a fact almost lost sight of. The first day of January, 1908, is the 2,417,578th day since the beginning of the Julian Period. During the year 1908, as heretofore, there will be several eclipses of the sun and the same number of eclipses of the moon. Some will be visible only in Asia, while others can be seen from any seat in the house. Except in rare instances, chronological eras and cycles will remain unchanged. The winter of 1908 will be marked by violent snowstorms in some sections and rain and sleet in others. Through the literary belt of Indiana there will be the tough- est sledding known in years. An unusually large batch of "number two" companies playing New York successes will invade the smaller cities of the Middle West with a scale of prices ranging from thirty- five cents to two dollars. These counterfeits may be detected by the yellow date bill posted across the original star's name. Vaude- ville will remain as popular as ever, and you will laugh at Bryant and Saville just as hard as you did fifty years ago. Every indication points to another successful season of melodrama, and, "The mar- riage was not a happy one. A separation soon followed. The wife went to London, where, save for a small annuity settled upon her by a great-aunt, she would have died penniless in the streets, 9 10 11 12 Mm 13 14 ] Abe Martin's Almanack etc., etc.," will play havoc with the emotions as of \old. * The winter of 1908 will be particularly hard on those of us who bought meat and other necessities the preceding summer and fall. The summer sea- son will be pretty much the same old thine, except the strawberry boxes will be smaller and/two na- tional political conventions will be held. The ' Democratic platform will contain the party's time- honored appeal to the intelligence of the people, while the Republican platform will dwell at great length on our unparalleled prosperity and take the credit for the blue skies, bounteous crops and wise \ foreign policy. ^— "^ The same splendid scale of wages for circus mu- sicians that has prevailed in the past will continue : plain, twenty dollars per month ; fancy, thirty dol- lars per month — the players assxmiing all risk and eating on the lot. The summer of 1908 will last far into Septem- ber, with a little dash of jacket weather here and there in August. A slight decrease in the price of bacon is promised for November, but at that the cost of living will still be several blocks ahead of salaries and wages. From time to time during the month of December the newspapers will publish most valuable suggestions to Christmas shoppers. Blue serge for men's suitings will hold its own as in former years, the trousers being cut thirty-six at the hips and fifteen at the bottoms, with both side and back pockets. Many new creations for women's apparel will distinguish the year of 1908, and you will probably see more of them than in any preceding year. Taking it all in all, the year of 1908 will be a hununer in lots of respects, and you will have to scheme around and hustle harder than ever to make any kind of a showing at all. March HINTS TO FARMERS In selecting fruit-trees be careful to note the per- sonal appearance of the agent. If he wears a cellu- loid collar and sea bean cufE-buttons tell him you don't wish any to-day. Never pick apples with a croquet mallet. 15 16 17 18 t!ri)ur0Da^ 19 iFriDa^ 20 ^aturDa^ 21 March 15, 1907 — Circuses ad- vertise for sober calliope players. Shamrock — A cement block. Spring begins at 1 p. m. to-day. Abe Martin's Almanack Th' feller that's alius quotin' his wife is generally bald-headed. $6 Th' feller that brags 'bout how cheap he heats his home alius sees th' first robin. Constable Newt Plum says a straight life is th' best policy after all. b A baled hay company has leased Melo- deon hall fer th' balance o' th' season. 16 Everything seems t' be goin' up these days except self-reducin' corsets. /' You can't buy nothin' in Noblesville, / Indianny, on th' Sabbath but Sunday I newspapers an' ther hain't nothin' in them \ after you blow th' froth off, /Now that weVc got th' Standard Oil / Company on th' run Uncle Sam ought t' j git after th' baby food concerns that send I circulars through th' mails t' scare Vmother§, March MORE HINTS TO FARMERS Any Republican will tell you that the tariff on wool makes wool higher and woolen clothes cheaper. When you go to a circus never take any paper money with you. To cure a fresh cow utterly ignore her and don't laugh at anything she says. After working hard the year round it is perfectly proper for the farmer to go to the theater. ) ^ttttUa^ 22 March 22, 1907— Czar's life at- tempted. ^onoa^ 23 tE^uesftja^ 24 25 March, 1869— Brand Whitlock, Mayor of Toledo, Ohio, born at Urbana, Ohio, tD^tjursitJa^ 26 ifriDa^ 27 ^aturtia^ 28 Walter Wellman will probably make a dash for the Pole during this month. Abe Martin's Almanack Tipton Bud has only got one more lodge t' join before he runs fer County Clerk. Times er so good that itll be purty hard f git anybuddy t' lay off long enough t' run fer president on th' Dim- mycratic ticket. March MORE HINTS TO FARMERS There is nothing much to be said in favor of late "x plowing. Eminent authorities say that under no \ circumstances should a farmer plow later than 10 ) o'clock. It keeps the horses up late and the deyf^/ rusts the plow. Be very careful about currying favor with a mule. A farmer should never pay less than $7 for a plug hat. When drilling for wheat a farmer should see to it that his horses stand erect, keep perfect step and are provided with both right and left flanks. 29 30 31 A farmer should never keep any ink about the house. Only recently a farmer near Roundhead, Ohio, signed away the earnings of a life- time by one stroke of the pen. The farmer is the most inde- pendent man in the world. He has all the work he can do and is never troubled with having to set a price on anything he raises. He can farm in any position. If he tires of plowing he can sit down in a rocking chair and husk corn. If a farmer boy shows a dispo- sition to run away and join the' regular army give him a quarter to spend occasionally, Abe Martin's Almanack I should think that one o' th' worst features o' sudden adversity would be git- tin' used t' five-cent segars. Th' higher some fellers cocks their feet th' less they amount t'. / Ther wuz quite a discussion down at th' blacksmith shop this mornin' 'bout th' price o' lobsters. Tipton Bud said: "I bought one once under Cleveland fer thirty cents but I don't know what ther gittin' fer 'em now." A' undesirable citizen is a feller that raises chickens in town. April 1 2 iFritia^ 3 §)aturDa^ 4 -s»=«'«5€^ MARCH 20 TO APRIL 19 Sign of Aries (the Ram) ■A tailor is not a tailor who kicks when an alteration is to be made. — James DeWolf, The Romans dedicated the blus- tering month of March to Mars, decorating their business houses and homes in his honor on the first day. People born during the latter half of this month or the earlier half of the next begin lifers weary struggle under the influence of the fiery sign of Aries, indicating an overbearing nature and a fast ca- reer. These people make their grand entry with a noodle full of fife and drum music that forces them forward to conquer or get a good beating. Once mastering in- decision they will bite the hand Abe Martin's Almanack that feeds them rather than lose out on something they are after, often marching to success over their own dead bodies. They are wonderfully generous to themselves and have five or six suits of clothes and no end of neckties. The w^omen of this sign have a positive genius for burning money and not listening to reason. Any attempt at coercion and they will go straight back to their mothers and take the chil- dren. The men take readily to politics and often become poll-book holders. Henry Clay, Bismarck and Shakespeare belonged to this sign, but only showed up occasionally when there was an initia- tion. The Aries born thrive in the southern part of the United States and China, and will have frequent re- course to courts of justice. They waste little time repining over unrequited love, and, as some towns do not have a Sunday closing ordinance, so some Aries love affairs reach a happy consummation. The flower of this storm-tossed, skirt-blowing month is the Amaryllis, signifying a stuck-up disposition and loud hosiery. April A FEW MORE HINTS TO FARMERS To be a successful farmer it is by no means nec- essary to cultivate a big crop of troublesome whis- kers. It was shown recently in an article in "Farm Life in the Middle West" that some of our most prominent agriculturists are smooth-faced, while others have just the faintest suggestion of a mus- tache. In operating a corn shredder a farmer should caution his wife against getting her apron caught in the machinery while he is in town playing pool. N 5 6 7 ^etine0Ua^ 8 9 iFriUa^ 10 &aturDa^ 11 GREENS Speaking of dandelion greens, the poet says : Dear common flower, that grow'st beside the way, Fringing the dusty road with harmless gold. First pledge of blithesome May. Abe Martin's Almanack Pinky Kerr says he seen a Pittsburg girl once an' she wuz undershot from blowin' sut off her nose. Where ignorance is bliss it's foolish to borrow your neighbor's newspaper. April ANOTHER HINT TO FARMERS A farmer should never wear celluloid cuffs while playing croquet. The rattle confuses the other players. 12 13 14 15 ttrijurflftia^ 16 iFriJJa^ 17 ^aturua^ 18 It is said by those in a position to know that Walter Wellman's dash for the Pole will occur the latter part of this month. April 17, 1907—Czar's life at- tempted. Abe Martin's Almanack A paper-hanger will promise anything. St Next t' a sound Dimmycrat th' most scarce thing is grass in front of a cheap flat. Miss Fawn Lippincut went out t' play cards t'day an' win a little bric-a-brac fer th' house. S« No family is ever so poor that they don't have a couple o' crayon portraits hangin' in the parlor — Paw and Maw. No one kin possibly have any idea how really good times er in this country till they try t' build a four-room house. April BIOGRAPHY OF CALE FLUHART Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart was stolen by the Indians just out of Haverhill, Mass., many years ago at the age of four. He after- wards escaped and wan- dered through the unbroken wilderness to the home of his parents at Lafayette, Ind. After graduating from Purdue University he went to Pickreltown, Ohio, then a small village, and launched The Pilots a vig- orous publication for ''the plain people," and his fame as a fearless and forcible writer spread rapidly, not only through Logan County, but as far east as Larue. Mr. Flu- hart had much to do with the devel- opment of the Madriver Valley and the establishment of a post-office at West Liberty. During the mem- orable campaign of '76 Editor Fluhart' s scorching editorials were read and re-read by dozens of the most prominent farmers, whose productive bottom-land acres stretched from Slaty Hollow to the McKee's Creek Church. Dur- ing the strenuous days that fol- lowed the counting out of Tilden The Pilot fairly sizzled with hot stuff. One cold, dark night Editor Fluhart slipped out of his home and started by a circuitous route to the grocery to get a can of cove 19 20 tEttr0tia^ 21 22 tErt)ttr0Da^ 23 Mm 24 gjaturua^ 25 oysters, when some assassin fired Abe Martin's Almanack from ambush and forever stilled his pencil hand with a volley of buckshot. That discouraging epi- sode in the life of Mr. Fluhart ruined his ambition and squashed his brilliant career. Having outlived his usefulness by more than a score of years Mr. Fluhart is still keenly alert, ^^^^'zs-^^ watching events with all the interest of a man in his prime. He is a daily visitor at the barber shop, and revels among the newspapers and magazines, his journalistic instinct never deserting him. April MORNING AND EVENING STARS, 1908 Mercury will be Evening Star about March 1, June 27 and October 23; and Morning Star about April 14, August 12 and December 1. Venus will be Morning Star till September 14; then Evening Star the rest of the year. Jupiter will be Evening Star till July 16; then Morning Star the rest of the year. Subject to change. 26 27 28 29 tB^tittrgiia^ 30 Walter Wellman has received advices from the Pole requesting him to defer his dash on account of an ice-makers' convention fill- ing all the hotels. This month will probably see him off. Abe Martin's Almanack Mushyroons er purty scarce this year, but th' cool, bracin' weather only seems t* stimulate th' liars. Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart seen a blue racer on th' ole Pash place yisterday but he didn' have no tape measure with him so he didn' kill it. Buildin' material, clothin', bacon, / radishes, onions — a few more warm days / an' everything will be up. Th' more insignificant a feller is th' bigger th' pipe he smokes. May 1 2 APRIL 19 TO MAY 20 Sign of Taorua (tho Ball) The Romans dedicated the month of April to the bright planet, Venus, holding the twenty-third day sacred to her honor. People born between the dates of April 19 and May 20, inclusive, enter life under the guidance of Taurus, a strong, husky sign bequeathing to its proteges all the sterling attri- butes a newspaper hands to a prominent citizen after he is dead — if he has been a subscriber. These people are the squatty, snarled apple-trees of society. They assume Life's heritage at a time when Tennessee strawberries and long, bright green, tasteless cucimibers invade the markets, and Nature, tired of her mantle of snow and ice, warms up to the sit- uation. The heirs of Taurus have Abe Martin's Almanack self-reliance and buoyancy of spirit, and frequently reach high places — such positions as postmaster and constable. They are seldom talkative and are fond of canned corn. Especially is this true of the men who marry Taurus women, for it matters not how much money he owes, you can never tell it by look- ing at his wife. As long as he can get credit, her faithful feet will follow. Hers is the devotion of Clytie, who lived just out of Upper Sandusky, Ohio, and became enamored of Helios, a pianola salesman of good address, and followed him to Niles, Ohio, where he died as he had lived — a profli- gate. ,'• Taurus people inherit an excellent physique that endures many years. A well-known and popular Taurus woman is to-day traveling with a burlesque ^company, posing in Rock of Ages at the age of 79. ^^hen Fate directs them toward Italy, Sicily, North- ern Spain or Louisville, Kentucky, they lose their buoyancy. May THE ORIGIN OF MAY MOVING 3 4 The now almost universal custom of moving on the first day of May was first noticeable at Fremont, Ohio, on May first, 1822, and spread rapidly east and then south along what is known as the Cin- cinnati range of hills. It is due principally to our restless Amer- ican spirit and poor janitor serv- ice. It is getting to be a popular fad among flat owners to insist on tenants signing leases. People have been known to live in the same flat one year, thinking that a lease held them. If a tenant owes seven or eight months* rent and desires to move into a more select neigh- borhood, a lease will not detain him. In such cases, however, it is well to have the furniture in your wife's name. t!rue0Da^ 5 3^eDne0tia^ 6 7 ifrtua^ 8 featurua^ 9 Ascension Day, May 9, 1891 — Prof. Leonza fell out of a balloon about two miles and a half above Lewiston, Ohio, and died in a cornfield. Abe Martinis Almanack Long before a feller recovers from his wife^s Easter hat, she begins t' fret 'bout th' fall shapes. Miss Fawn Lippincut bought a set o' / Shakespeare yisterday, payin' one dollar / down an' th' rest eventually. Newt Plum's son-in-law has advertised fer a girl t' do general housework an' no questions asked. «| iFdon't take a landlady long t' prune out her boarders. ^gi-^ HAPPY DAYS May THE SEASONS (Pittsburgh Time) CORRECTED DAILY BY THE EMERSON SHOE COMPANY Vernal Equinox Spring begins.... March 21 d. 1 h. 13 ra. p.m. Summer Solstice Summer " ....June 22 d. 9 h. 8 m. a.m. Autumnal Equinox.. .Autumn " ....Sept. 22 d. 11 h. 49 m. p. M. Winter Solstice Winter •• ....Dec. 22 d. 6 h. 81 m. p. m. ^ttttUa^ 10 11 12 13 tKl)urfi!Da^ 14 iFritia^ 15 ^aturoai^ 16 May, 1898 — Spanish - American War. Cigarettes and ice-boxes. May, 1898— AdmiralN^' George Dewey, U. S. A., blew a few old disabled Spanish hulks out of Manila Bay, awakening the officers and men and scattering them in the surf. Little or nothing is ever heard of Dewey these days.. Abe Martin's Almanack When you see your groceryman put two quarts o' strawberries in a one quart paper bucket you sort o' lose interest in things. / Some church members would never git / t' see th' inside of a the-ater if it wuzn't / fer th' great, immortal play, Uncle Tom's / Cabin, with its corn shredder musicians, / burr head jubilee singers an' mouse col- \ ored mule. ^' i« It strikes me that our boasted prosper- ity has jist about reached th' limit when a catfish bites on a wooden minnie. Th' feller that calls you "brother" gen- erally wants something that don't belong to him. It must be blamed embarrassin' t' ask a rich wife fer a quarter now an' then. Ma U. Sound travels at the rate of 1,142 feet per second — about thirteen miles in a minute. So that if we hear a clap of thunder half a minute after the flash, we may calculate that the discharge of electricity is six and a half miles off, 17 18 19 1^etine0Ua^ 20 tE^j^urstia^ 21 iFritia^ 22 §)attti:Da^ 23 May, 1907 — The roller-skating craze strikes Indiana. Many sad- dened homes. May, 1906 — Long-sleeve glove famine spreads throughout the United States. Much suffering be- low the elbows, May 23, 1907— Czar's life at- tempted, Abe Martin's Almanack You never see no "to let" signs on Easy street. IS If your own wife won't do housework what's th' use o' lookin' any further? Lots o' blamed lazy farmers chew an' smoke that never "touch th' weed." .^ K No matter how bad things may go at home th' average housewife will "bridge" 'em over. / Pinky Kerr says a nature faker is a bum / actor that travels jist t' see th' scenery. Ole Niles Turner talks so much he can't smoke a pipe. May Cheap shoes don't begin t' hurt fer two er three days after you put 'em on. A bunch o' nice celery makes a great decoy fer a bum dinin' hall. 24 ^oni5a^ 25 26 27 28 iFriUa^ 29 ^aturDa^ 30 A' friend of Walter Wellman has just received a postal card from the eminent explorer, saying that he had been persuaded to re- main over for a dance at Spitzber- gen, and it is not likely that he will make a dash for the Pole for some weeks yet, Abe Martin's Almanack Th' farmer that drives t' town t^ play pool 'cause it's too wet t' plow never gathers no moss. Young Lafe Bud says his wife spent a hundred an' eighty dollars last year prac- tisin' on newspaper recipes. It'll soon be time fer th' feller that looks bum in a straw hat t' grow despon- dent. May is th' month when th' ole clothes man swindles your wife out o' your over- coat. Never ask th' feller that makes th' most of his opportunities t' watch your store while you go t' dinnen May Th* feller that sets on a store box with his mouth full of scrap terbacker while his wife is at home sewin' fer a livin' knows jist exactly how t' regulate th' rail- roads. '^*^-^ No matter where they are, jist one bot- tle o' red pop an' some fellers want t' hug ther girls, 31 June brides grow uneasy. Abe Martin's Almanack While talkin' 'bout ortomoblles th' other day, Ez Pash remarked that he'd like t' see that Taf t machine in Ohio. «t One good thing 'bout this cold spring — phonergraf owners can't raise ther win- dows. Ther's plenty o' people makin' a hit in society that couldn't stand th' Romburg test Every day ushers in some new kind of a grafter. Jane 1 2 3 4 iFriUai? 5 ^aturua^ 6 MAY 20 TO JUNE 21 Sign of Gemini (the Twins) The old Romans called May the boundary day 'twixt the bleak, leafless, coal-buying season and the hot, sweltering months when news- paper circulations dwindle and cheap rates to Niagara Falls pre- vail. May was dedicated to the Goddess Maia, and the opening of the general Assizes, whatever that means, was fixed for the first day. Persons waking to life the latter half of this month or the earlier half of the next take their inher- itance from the sign of Gemini II, which indicates a changeable exist- ence. The Gemini born usually marry at the age of nineteen with- out a single prospect. They love to sit in a park and look over the daily papers, and read the lavisK offers of fifty to one hundred dol* Abe Martin's Almanack I lars a day to bright, hustling young men of charac- ter and no capital. During the course of their rest- less, feverish careers they solicit insurance, collect for instalment houses, work advertising schemes, and finally land square on the hummer. These way- ward children of Gemini inherit an extravagant love for sea travel, and often peel potatoes on the steamers that ply between Cleveland and Buffalo. Whatever the country or clime, however, they will be found hanging around the cheap boarding-house districts, impelled hither more on account of hunger than by mere idle amusement. If the proteges of Gemini ever do enter into the competition of the business world, it is best that they shift the under- taking of important affairs as much as possible to the months of July and August, when well-to-do people have gone North to escape the hot weather and there is no one left behind to watch their homes. June A liar is a person that disagrees with President E.oosevelt. 7 8 9 10 t!rj)ur0isa^ 11 ifrtoa^ 12 g)aturiia^ 13 June 9, 1907— Czar's life at- tempted. 1852— Harriet Beecher Stow^ \ writes Uncle Tom's Cabin, little dreaming that it would be the , stepping-stone to the stage for j 20,000 blonde children. --^ / June, 1763 — Pontiac's Indian ball club wins from Fort Mack- inaw. Abe Martin's Almanack Prof. Alex Tansey, our school teacher, predicts that in th' next ten years ther will be dollar excursions t' th' moon an^ tickets will be good returnin' Monday via Clyde, Ohio. iTh' popularity o' round steaks an' liver wuz greater in 1907 than in all other yean combined. June Th' feller that will pay if he's got it, an' th' feller that is slow pay an' th' dead beat er all purty much tarred with th' same stick. 14 15 16 17 18 iFrifia^ 19 ^aturna^ 20 June 15, 1215 — King John granted Magna Charta. June 18, 1778— The British evacuate Philadelphia on account of the Sunday closing ordinance. Abe Martin's Almanack Uncle Niles Turner says he used t' know a feller in Pickreltown, Ohio, that could make a speech without first takin' two er three drinks. Miss Tawney Apple is undecided whether t' teach kindergarten er chiny paintin' er git married. Miss Jane Fluhart who has been dying t' git married fer years passed quietly away Monday. St It's funny somebuddy don't invent a collar that'll fit a home-made shirt. Things er never the same again after you have your 'phone taken out. June "I am dumfounded at the preposterous argu- ments sometimes offered by our friends of the gold standard, and it seems to me that it will be many decades before our country recovers its equilibrium after that greatest of all national disgraces, the silver crime of seventy-three. The workings of the gold standard can no better be illustrated than by the fact that if you toss a five-dollar gold piece into a crowd one man gets it. If you fling five silver dollars into the same throng five men get them, thus proving conclusively a vicious and discriminating system of distribution under the gold standard." — Extract from the famous speech of Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart, delivered at Roundhead, Ohio, before the Society for the Suppression of Blind Accordion Plavers. 21 22 23 ^ei5ne5flsa^ 24 25 26 ^attttua^ 27 Summer begins at 9 A. M. to- day. NOT VERY LONG If the newspapers of this coun- try would refuse to print foot-ball fatalities and pictures of the play- ers the game would not last as long as a circus concert. Abe Martin's Almanack Th' feller that kin tell th' exact number o' days since he quit drinkin' alius breaks over. One o' th' hardest things 'bout livin' in a flat is beggin' fer wall paper. Young Lafe Bud says whoever de- signed th' women's stockin's this spring must a been a landscape gardener er a tattooed man. You don't often run against anything as silly as a young widower. / iTh' biggest "rubes" at a State Fair cr / city people. / Mrs. Tilford Moots' nephew from 6 Ohio is visitin' her. He's quite a feller an' makes twenty-one dollars a week when he's not strikin'. June KEBOBBED OYSTERS Strangle fifty oysters and singe over an alcohol lamp. Chop enough hay for one truck horse and add a little dash of parsley. Beat two real eggs into insensibility and scatter. Have at easy hailing distance an ordinary baking dish such as magicians use, lift the oysters by the wings and dip them first in the eggs and then in sawdust (in the absence of sawdust bird sand will answer), and throw at once into the baking dish. Cut a table-spoon into small pieces and sprinkle freely over the top and cook in quick oven. Then give them to the man that hauls your ashes. 28 29 80 June 28, 1778 — ^The first Pitch- er was rushed at Monmouth. .A!*"mollycoddle is a fellow who 'washes dishes while his wife plays golf. Abe Martin's Almanack Young Lafe Bud speaks two languages — English an' baseball. ^ Miss Fawn Lippincut has been laid up fer a day er two an' she looks as pale an' thin as a carriage painter's arm. ; SI Th' chronic grumbler is a church so- cial compared t' th' feller that agrees with everything you say. Ther's been a noticeable fallin' off o' editors at Niagry Falls this year on ac- count o' th' anti-pass laws. July 1 tlTliursUja^ 2 8 g>aturi)B^ 4 JUNE 21 TO JULY 22 Sign of Cancer (the Crab) &Vfter a stormy debate lasting some days, the Romans decided to dedicate the radiant month of June to Luna, the moon-eyed goddess. Persons ushered into this vale of tears during the latter half of this fickle month, or along about the Fourth of July, enter life under doubtful influences, and are liable to be cancer specialists. Though >v gifted in many directions to the \ brink of genius, they are described / by Emerson as "always looking / for money from home." Being. ',> neither broad-minded nor open to conviction, nothing will shake their belief that the foreigner pays the tax. Domestic in their nature, they long for the close compan- ionship of home life, and will often stick there till they are forty Abe Martin's Almanac or forty-five years old without paying any board. ^ C'They occasionally pursue harmonious, conventional ways of life, but seldom vote the Democratic ticket. J^iy Ther'll never be no safe an' sane Fourth o' July in this country as long as women an' girls er allowed t' shoot Ro- man candles. 5 6 tETuesfDa^ 7 ^eDne0Ua^ 8 tKl^urs^a^ 9 iFriuai? 10 featurDa^ 11 LOOK!! Instead of starting your kitchen fire with kerosene, first arrange your earthly affairs and then pro- cure a quarter of a yard of flannel. Fold the cloth into a square pad and saturate it thoroughly with chloroform and apply to the nose and mouth, being careful to secure it by means of a cord tied about the head. Then retire. Abe Martin's Almanack Newt Plumbs son-in-law hain't got no tellyphone, so he has t' go home t' his din- ner ever' day. Th' Grand Exalted Ruler o' th' Elks has decided t' do away with celluloid elk teeth fer watch charms in order t' help preserve th' graceful animal. July Th* Indynoplus saloons will close ther front bars on th' Fourth, but lots o^ people will git shot in th' back. ^.^ 12 13 tKue^oa^ 14 li^etinefiftia^ 15 tD^l^ttrsfUa^ 16 iFtiua^ 17 ^aturua^ 18 1899— The South African War began, the Boers fighting behind rocks and the English fighting be- hind the Irish, July 17, 1907— Czar's life at- tempted. Abe Martin's Almanack Time will never be any great success as a healer as long as we have t' pay taxes. It seems t' me that when a feller hain't f' got neither time ner money f do a thing our celebrated prosperity has reached th' limit A feller's wife never runs off when he wants her to. Miss Germ Williams says they have nine kittens at her home — literally speak- in'. ^ Th' greatest o' all "trunk mysteries" is how a woman kin put so much in 'em. July QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS CONDUCTED BY DR. MOPPS I am often kidded about my slender arms. How can I develop them? Elcie. Answer — Scrubbing is a splendid remedy. Get down on your knees and scrub first with one hand and then with the other for eight hours each day, letting your full weight rest on the thumb and fore- finger of either hand. May I dye a pair of duck slippers to match an elive green touring car? Eilleen. Answer — Certainly. 19 20 tCuesftia^ 21 22 tETlmrfl^Da^ 23 ifriua^ 24, ^actttua^ 25 Is there no simple home prepa- ration that will make my hands soft and pretty? Lucile. Answer — One cupful of milk, one cupful of cornmeal, one cup- ful of sugar. Put the baking pow- der in the last thing. How may I tell a good cante- loup ? Louise. Answer — See a clairvoyant. Papa is thinking some of break- ing up and losing everything. Kindly suggest some honorable employment for a sensible young lady of eighteen. Mildred. Answer — General housework is the least worked field. Can you inform me of anything cheaper than Sunday newspapers for fuel? Myrtle. Abe Martin's Almanack Answer — Breakfast food samples. I am ambitious to be a literary woman, caring little for cooking and dress. Is writing profitable ? Inez. , Answer — Backing envelopes for a mail-order / house pays fairly well. J^iy Every feller that smokes cigarettes i hain't a weakling but all th' weaklings / smoke 'em. .--V, Th' feller that knocks his home town is mean enough t' shave himself with a piece of a celery dish. 26 ^ontia^ 27 tCuefifUai? 28 29 tEfl^urfifUa^ 80 iFriDa^ 31 Never too late to mend — a blue serge suit. July 29, 1472 — First almanack printed. Abe Martin's Almanack Tilford Moots wuz held up In his own door-yard last night at eight o'clock an' robbed of a dollar an' thirty cents. Th' robbers fired at him nine times but his family, that wuz in th' front room readin' th' Thaw trial, didn't hear th' shots. Ther's two Indiana showmen IVe alius 'Ranted t' see — Ben Hur an' Ben Wallace. The manager o' th' Indynoplus ball club says Pitcher Bales, o' Carmel, has a fine rural delivery. /^f RockyfcUcr could cat he wouldn't be 80 rich. August 1 JULY 22 TO AUGUST, 22 Sign of Leo (the Lion) July was made sacred to Jupiter Ammon by our old Roman fore- fathers. Persons entering life during the ' latter half of July or the earlier half of August take their inher- itance from the smooth, oily, mag- netic Leo, a hot, fast, kaleidoscopic sign governing the heat of life. These people are all right in many respects, and make good, cool- headed janitors if handled with gloves. In their enthusiasm they frame up ideals which they wor- ship inimitably. Their inborn magnetism and quick response to their party's call have made them formidable factors in politics. Wil- liam Jennings Bryan might be a protege of this sign, and, although he was defeated twice, he made 4. Abe Martin's Almanack many converts by the spell of his presence, and in- cidentally threw several doubtful states into the lap of the enemy. Leo children rebel against any proposition that restricts freedom of action, and prefer to use their own. system. If they are wise they will wend their way to the tenth climate and launch their most im- portant undertakings during the first Tuesday in November. The flower of Leo is the morning-glory, which hangs on like a poor relation. August 2 TRUE DEMOCR^ACY A Powerful and Sensational Speech Deliv- ered BY Hon. Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart be- fore the Jackson Club, of Brown County, Indiana^ at its Annual Banquet Mr. Chairman, Cittofellizens and Members of the Alfalfa Glee Club : Since the memorable con- vention of 1896, when William Jennings [tumultu- ous applause] Bryan thrilled the magnificent assem- blage with his matchless oratory [deafening ap- plause], the Democratic party has been floundering in the troubled waters of revolt and discord, and oozing further and further from the safe moorings of stability and intellect into the dense thickets of demoralization and deceit. This Chautauqua head- liner from Nebraska [unparal- leled applause] has beckoned and beckoned until what was once the safest harbor in the world is now a sand-bar, the Democratic party. Since William Jennings Bryan [at this point the applause fairly shook Melodeon Hall, and a tier of improvised seats collapsed, seri- ously injuring an old lady, who was carried to the livery stable be- low] entered the councils of the grand old Democratic party we have had to be content with up- roarious applause. This perennial candidate [deafening din] speaks in the forenoon at Hurley, Wis- consin, in the afternoon at Tampa, Florida, and in the evening at Bangor, Maine, always on the go, crowding halls and fair grounds at a dollar a throw, while the poor old party of Jefferson dances for liver. Why, friends, think of Jack- 3 tirue0l>a^ ^eUne0Da^ 5 6 iFritia^ 7 ^aturtia^ 8 Abe Martinis Almanack son, Jefferson, scholarly Tilden, Hancock and hii military bearing, ponderous Cleveland, and other great leaders of the Democratic party in the past, and then think of the "parader of the Platte." [At the very mention of the Platte the applause contin- ued at great length.] Why, friends, I remember once of being in Jasonville, this state, where a vast throng had gathered to hear this so-called "peerless'* Nebraskan [here the applause was so prolonged and variegated in its nature that Mr. Fluhart kindly y^consented to quit speaking and Miss Fawn Lippin- / cut recited "The Smoldering Embers of Democracy" / in her usual charming manner, duplicating her for- ! mer successes]. August In buildin' a cement house be sure an* put two-inch studdin' an' lath on th' in- side. If you don't th' loan company will have a damp house on its hands. 9 10 11 12 13 14 ^aturtia^ 15 August, 1907 — Eradication of Pulajanism in the Isle of Leyte. August 11, 1907 — Czar's life at- tempted. August 13, 1906 — Charge of the dark brigade at Brownsville, Texas. Abe Martin's Almanack Th' first one t' ketch a circus in a lie is a boy. / Constable Newt Plumbs son-in-law says / this is th' first Summer he has ever had t* / choose between somethin' t' eat an' some- thin' t' wear. August Take a nickePs worth o' rhubarb an' add five dollars' worth o' sugar an' cook till done an' you've got one o' th' most ex- pensive liver regulators on th' market. 'A GOOD RULE When you buy a cantaloup of a peddler, always take his number. 16 ^ontia^ 17 t!I^ue0Da^ 18 19 20 21 ^aturtJa^ 22 August 22, 1607 — Captain John Smith sailed for Jamestown, where he founded the Smith Manufac- turing Company and supplied the United States. Abe Martin's Almanack / A gypsy fortune-teller told Tipton Bud yisterday that Bryan wuz right in 1896. Elgin Tyler, who has been blowin' up stumps on th' ole Moots place fer th' past week, has gone over t' th' Pash farm where he will enter a broader field. «t A chap ort t' save a few o' th' long evenings he spends with his girl till after they're married. Pinky Kerr says he never heerd o' any- buddy payin' cash fer a planner. / What has become o' th' ole fashioned round-faced butcher that used t* give you a piece o' bologna with ever' purchase. August Th' smartest girl in school an' the pur- tiest girl in town er never mistaken fer one another. r\ Ever' once in awhile you meet a feller in some honorable walk o' life that wuz once admitted t' th' bar. 23 24 25 26 27 28 ^aturuap 29 "Friend after friend departs. Oh, who has not loaned an um- brella?" August 28, 1830 — First locomo- tive was built in the XJnited States. Abe Martin's Almanack Tilford Moots says it's purty hard t' tell jist what would happen on th' Poto- mac if President Roosyfel would wake up some mornin' an' not find his name in th' paper. In these Babylonian days ever' young woman should know how t' scream. Miss Germ Williams says peroxide blondes ort t' be tagged jist like oleo- margarine. A long memory an' a long tongue er reg'lar ole cronies. Tipton Bud went over t' th' Morgan County poorhouse t'day t' see an ole friend that studied bookkeepin' th' same time he did. August Overwork has killed more people than all th' loafin' put together. This has been a great year fer breakin' records, but Lafe Bud's phonergraf seems t' have escaped. 30 31 WARNING! The touring car mortality statis- tics of the United States for nine- teen hundred and seven prove con- clusively that it is dangerous to mix booze with gasoline. Abe Martin's Almanack Uncle Ez Pash asked Pinky Kerr what States he went through when he wuz with a circus an' Pinky said, ^^How'd I know? We traveled at night." People that shirk around all winter er th' first ones f take a vacation in th' spring. Uncle Niles Turner's nephew died et Upper Sandusky, Ohio, Monday. He used t' be a life insurance solicitor till he lost his cunning. / Th' average young man thinks he's a i great financier if he only spends all he makes fer clothes. September 1 ^eJ)nr0tia^ 2 tirtiuriStia^ 3 4 g)atuttja^ AUGUST 22 TO SEPTEMBER 22 Sign of Virgo (the Virgin) August, the month when Kansas yells for help, was dedicated to Ceres, goddess of corn, by the old- timers. Folks born the latter half of this month or the first two weeks of September belong to the dry food class, and enter upon the stage of life under the sign of Vir- go, indicating an inborn aptitude to voice the mind of the public be- fore the public is really aware oC., the issues. Virgo heirs make great newspaper reporters. Their man- ner of digging up news is so en- gaging that their informant does not wake up until the paper has gone to press and the reporter is well on his way to the golf links, chuckling all the while. A Virgo reporter always carries an old Abe Martinis Almanack f sleeve to laugh in. Excellent as this investigative I turn of mind may be, the proteges of Virgo often \ get their newspapers in a jam on account of their \ unconquerable mania for getting all the news, and their editors have to go home in closed carriages for weeks at a time. Next to the love of excitement attending the gathering of sensational news comes the fondness for getting a prominent position on a grand stand or the end of a special car while President Roosevelt shows his teeth and bums Bryan powder. The Virgo women are fond of finery and social distinc- tion, but a little shy when it comes to laying out their husband's underwear and putting his other shirt where he can find it if he should suddenly receive an assignment to go to French Lick and interview Tom Taggart on the future plans of the Democratic party. Any month in the year will prove congenial for Virgo interests. September Miss Immortelle Bud says ther hain't no use in sendin' out weddin' invitations if you've already got a pair o' candle labras* An ole tfieatrical friend o' Pinky Kerr's married a circus rider th' other day an' used th' three ring ceremony. 6 £ponlia^ 7 8 9 10 iFriDa^ 11 ^aturua^ 12 If you can't be good, solicit in- surance. September 12, 1907— Czar's life attempted. Abe Martin's Almanack / Miss Tawney Apple says th' ole wheezy phonergraf down at th' mil- linery store has been singin' ^'Shy — anne, Shy — anne'' so blamed much that she has no desire t' see Buffalo Bill's show. ?>^ 1 Aunt Tabithy Plum says ther hain't nothin' like goose grease and onions fer babies. She ort t' know. She's buried nine. September "Peace has its victories no less than war," but it doesn't have as many monu- ments t' unveil. 13 14 15 16 17 iFriJJa^ 18 ^aturDa^ 19 Saturday, October 14, 1769— Humboldt born. (Published by request.) An architect is a fellow that talks you into going in debt three or four thousand dollars morQ. Abe Martin's Almanack Miss Tawney Apple is doin' some fine burnt wood work these days. She used t* iron shirts in a laundry. I told ole Ez Pash that Link Gage had jist died of a complication of diseases, an' he said, ^Why, I never knowed he drank." Constable Newt Plum's son-in-law ex- pects t' move in a cottage this fall if he kin find one next t' somebuddy that's got a tellyphone. H Ther's not much weight t' anything a coal dealer says. Selling out at cost — "Wuz $19 now $4." September Even a clean collar makes some fellers look like they'd jist got out of a sick bed. Doc Mopps extracted a side comb from th* stomach o' young Lafe Bud yisterday. He says people can't be too careful when eatin' home-made pies. S)unDa^ 20 21 22 23 24 iFrioa^ 25 gjaturnai? 26 September 24 — Autumn begins at 12 M. to-day. Abe Martin's Almanack Newt Plumbs son-in-law says he hopes th' Hague peace conference won't stop th' ice wars. The increased price o' horseshoe nails don't make no difference f th' feller that wears a belt. Ther's lots o' folks sportin' around in tourin' cars that don't know where ther next quart o' gasoline is comin' from. Prize fighters er rapped up in thcr own business. September Th' feller that hires an eminent lawyer t' defend him never gits off very easy. CONSTABLE NEWT PLUM On September 27, 1908, Newt Plum enters on his thirty- third year as constable. His unfailing de- votion to duty, in addition to his unswerving free trade proclivities, is the admiration of all, regardless of party. The illustration below shows Constable Plum fully armed and ready for business. 27 28 29 30 Abe Martin's Almanack A new janitor sweeps clean. St Jedgin' by th' beauty contest pictures in th' Indianny papers th' peach crop must a got nipped a little around th' edges. Th' feller that clips his horse in th' winter time alius wears an ulster overcoat. fft Miss Fawn Lippincut has discontinued her Battle Creek diet an' worried down her first pig's foot o' th' season yisterday. October 1 iFtiua^ 2 S)aturtia^ 3 BiBua.. SEPTEMBER 23 TO OCTOBER 23 Sign of Libra (the Scales) It isn't quite clear who dedi- cated September, but those who pick up the thread of life under the influence of the sign of Libra will have a fine liberality of thought and rare good judgment when it comes to picking out a boarding-house or a good nickel cigar. These people, above those of all other signs, seem to get in on all the real bargains of life. Longfel- low has said that "in this world every man is an anvil or a ham- mer." The Libra fellows fulfil the- prophecy of the hammer — all be- ing knockers of a high order of excellence. Born leaders, they are bad losers. Theirs is the power that enables others to sell you shoes that almost kill you, clothes Abe Martin's Almanack that wrinkle across the back, and six-dollar shirts with your monogram worked in the sleeve. Unfortunately, the physique of the Libra proteges is less robust than their mentality, but at that they get the goods. When fate unites them in marriage with an heir of Leo or Sagittarius, it is almost cer- tain to be a blow-off, for these people of the fine triplicity are always kindling something. The women of the Libra sign measure up fairly well, except that they are extravagant, and sometimes contract pecuniary entanglements that keep their husbands' noses in close proximity to the grindstone until overtaken by the grim harvester. The flower of this heaven-kissed month is the poor little violet : Half-hidden from the eye, Fair as a star when only one Is shining in the sky. October I don't see how a feller kin sell canta- loupes six days in th' week an' go t' church on Sunday. 4 5 6 7 8 iWtia^ 9 ^aturoa^ 10 October, 1492 — Columbus soaks Queen Isabella's jewelry and starts out to discover America. October 9, 1907—Czar*s life at- tempted. Abe Martin's Almanack / With all th' big men high up in public Clife endorsin' Peruna it must be purty dis- couragin' t' th' W. C. T. U. Th' worst feature of a new baby is it's mother's singin'. October After a feller gits famous it don^t take long fer some one t' bob up that used t' set by him at school. 11 12 13 14 ®t)ttr0l>a^ 15 iFritiai? 16 &atttrDa^ 17 TAKE NO CHANCES "It doesn't cost anything to be courteous," is an old saying, but if somebody asks you what time it is on a dark, back street, guess at it. It was never intended that sal- aries and wages should keep pace with the cost of getting soused. Abe Martin's Almanack Nothin' sounds as flat as an extempo- raneous speech when you read it in th' paper. Miss Germ Williams is ambitious f be th' wart an' mole editress of a woman's journal. Ther's a fat boy in ever' town. Breakfast foods have done a great deal toward ^'buildin' up" magazines. Young Lafe Bud says he'd hate t' be in charge o' th' wing counter when some women git t' heaven. October 18 The following speech was delivered at Larue, Ohio, from the rear platform of a special train, by U. S. Senator Clem Jones : "My friends, I regret that I have only five min- utes to talk to you. [Great applause.] I deem it a great pleasure to be permitted to address the good citizens of the prosperous capital of old Marion [at this point the Senator's secretary reminded him that it was not a county-seat] — or, I mean, so near a prosperous capital. This morning, under benignant skies, I consider it one of the most pleasant events of my life to be able to speak at the home of my old and distinguished friend, Judge Pusey [at this point the Senator's secretary called his attention to the fact that Judge Pusey lives at Bucyrus] — of your neighboring city of Bucyrus. It is a special privi- lege to be permitted on this auspicious occasion to remind you that the coming com- bat for supremacy by the two great political parties of this pros- perous nation [at this point the secretary reminded the Senator that the fall election was a state election] that comes one year from this November — or, I should say, last November, or, I mean, No- vember two years hence — is of such great importance to those en- gaged in farming the wide fields of old Hardin County [at this point the Senator was reminded that he was still in Marion Coun- ty] — and old Marion County, that I warn you to think well before casting that most sacred of all things, your ballot. "You should point with pride to ] the magnificent factory on my left, / and thank the grand old Repub- lican party that such concerns are allowed to prosper [Hisses. At 19 20 21 22 i?ntja^ 23 24 Abe Martin's Almanack /this point the secretary whispered to the Senator / that the factory had been closed for three years and / had bankrupted every citizen of the town] — all over Lour broad land. I want to say one word more about our unparalleled prosperity. [At this point the Senator's attention was called to the fact that his time was up, and the train pulled out.]" October Uncle Seth How, of Urbana, Ohio, is visitin' 'mongst his kin here. He is ninety- five years ole, an* looks as straight an' spry as a life-long Dimmycrat. y-^ 25 26 27 28 29 i?ntia^ 30 81 DOCTOR MOPPS Doctor Mopps was born at Cha- grin Falls, Ohio, in 1825. At the close of a common school educa- tion he took up the study of sur- gery, hanging paper and kalso- mining through the summer months. His professional career began at Toledo, Ohio, where he was employed as a meat cutter in a hotel. This was the beginning of his luxuriant whiskers, which continued to thrive throughout his long, notable career. Drifting from Toledo, he became an ad- juster for an odd change restau- rant at St. Louis, which position he held until the close of the war. After selling electric belts for some years, he settled in Brown County, Indiana, where he con- ducts a livery stable and a hearse. Abe Martin's Almanack There^s alius a good news item lurkin' 'round a barrel o' gasoline. «ft Miss Fawn Lippincut is savin' a scan- dal till her card club meets. ^ Women seem t' be all right on bargains till it comes t' pickin' out a husband. Many a man tries t' figure that hain't one, two, three. November \^l, '\. 1 2 ®ttt0tjai? 3 ^etine0tia^ 4 ©Ijurs^a^ 5 ifriiia^ 6 ^aturDa^ 7 OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 22 Sign of Scorpio (the Scorpion) No overcoat, No money, November. The Romans loaned out the threatening month of October on royalty to the red planet Mars, as- sembling a number of exclusive features and holding a street fair to this god of war on the nine- teenth day, called Armilustrium Day. Persons born during the latter half of October or the first half of November draw unto themselves the vibratory influence of the sign of Scorpio, indicating a moody, de- termined nature that doesn't over- look any bets. The larger, the more daring the scheme with which these people connect themselves, the Abe Martin's Almanac greater their per cent. They often conceive and] manage great charity entertainments and push thenaj to a successful finish without a cent of capital, being content to wait and take four-fifths of the receipts for their services. It matters little what kind of a scheme the Scorpio heirs launch, as long as they stand at the door and handle the money. Theirs is the motto of Lucifer himself : ''Better be the whole thing in a town like Urbana, Ohio, than a resident of Newark, New Jersey." As inconsistent as it may seem, it is not for lack of refinement and gentle blood that the Scorpio born would rather stand and watch the passing throng through the latticed door of a saloon than join in the festivities. Naturally, the women of this sign are a shade better than the men, but they gall under restraint and possess an inborn aversion to anything savoring of housework. The Texas Panhandle or the Ninth District of Pennsylvania or any part of the Third climate are preferable localities for the Scorpio heirs. November Th' promoter of a fake scheme is alius well dressed an' affable. After th' average Sunday excursionist finds a restaurant that's cheap enough t' suit him, it's time t' go home. 8 ^ontia^ 9 10 11 tETljursftia^ 12 iFriUa^ 13 ^atttttiai? 14 "Necessity is the richest inher- itance," but by the time you can afford to indulge in most of the pleasures of life you will be too old to wear a plaid suit. I Abe Martinis Almanack / Rockyfeller makes a good fugitive. He kin go ten days on one sody cracker. /^ Frost killed a performance o' East { Lynne at Melodeon hall last night. November A druggist kin tell a cocaine fiend jist as soon as he comes up t' th' counter an' asks for it. 15 16 17 18 19 20 ^aturtiai? 21 YOUR DEN If you contemplate building a home, make it very clear to your architect that the furnace room must be equipped with all modern conveniences, making it as attract- ive and inviting as possible. You will spend much of your time there. Abe Martin's Almana ck / Tipton Bud has had meat at his home / twice this month. He says he don't expect / to save anything till times git worse. Th' teutonic disturbances on th' Lux- emburg frontier is just another argyment in favor o' high license. Th* ole fashioned woman that used f roll up her sleeves an' pitch in has been supplanted by her daughter who wears rubber gloves. IM hate t' live in Indynoplus where th' 1^ funerals trot. e^ots o' blamed lazy farmers chew an* )ke that never "touch th' weed." r. I November I never seen a' "athletic glrP' that thought she wuz strong enough t' do in- door work. '^ O UNCLE NILES TURNER 22 £pon^a^ 23 24 25 26 27 28 Uncle Niles Turner was one hundred and one years old on the twenty-second day of November. He was well acquainted with La- fayette and Aaron Burr, and says he would be one hundred and fifty years old if he had abstained from the use of tobacco. November 28, attertipted. 1907— Czar's life Abe Martin's Almanack Miss Pet Plum will enter th' beauty contest bein' conducted by th' Round- head, Ohio, Bugle-Gazette. Miss Plum is a dark bay, an' th' poet might say — Her head is like th' Autumn wind — She has th' winsome peacock's eye. Her complexion is dark pink like th' true mother o' pearl, changin' like a cha- meleon with her varyin' moods. She has an alkali nose an' a dimple on her chin caused by f allin' on a stump when a child. Her head is crowned by a mass o' superb hair — now dark brown, now yaller, jist as she takes a notion. Miss Plum is six feet two an' weighs eighty-five pounds an' has a beautiful willowy carriage. November A good provider alius has a good ap- petite. THE FIRELESS COOKER To make a fireless cooker, first procure a large candy bucket and paint it some cheerful color. Then purchase a three-quart granite vessel and an armful of hay. Chop the hay in an ordinary wooden chopping bowl. Then place the granite vessel in the center of the bucket and pack the chopped hay tightly about it. Then put your beans on an ordi- nary gas range or stove and allow them to come to a boil. Then pour them in the granite vessel, cover the top with a felt pad and secure the lid. Then you can hang over the back fence and gossip or go to a matinee. By five p. m. your sup- per will be ready. After our pros- perity begins to wane, boiling-meat may be prepared in the same man- ner. Abe Martin's Almanack Ther's still a fair "demand fer fifty-cent shirts in spite of our marvelous prosper- ity. It's purty hard fer an assessor t' git any pomters/ «t If buttermilk jist had a little inspira- tion in it what a great summer drink it would make. Pinky Kerr says Urbana is a town in Ohio where "Uncle Josh Spruceby" played twice in one season. December 1 2 tE^l^tttflfDa^ 8 iFritm^ 5 NOVEMBER 22 to DECEMBER 21 Sign of Sagittarius (the Archer) The Romans dedicated the month of torchlight processions, mud slinging and elections to the bounteous Diana, celebrating the fourteenth day in her honor. ,^ People entering life during the >y latter half of November or the earlier half of December take their inheritance from the sign Sagitta- rius, indicating that they will be what is commonly known as "plain > spoken" people. The heirs of thi»^^ sign will be equipped with indom- ^ itable energy and a distressing pro- pensity to spread out and do things. This unflagging and per- sistent activity is generally incom- prehensible to the innocent by- standers, and they will gather in little knots in the corridors of the court-house and predict the ulti- mate failure of such a pace. / Abe Martin's Almanack /T\it Sagittarius heirs insist that wrongs must be righted as soon as they are discovered; projects must be put through the same day they bob up. / Thus they are often intolerant to those who are less I practical and executive than themselves. Their im- pulsive efforts confuse others, and their inclination to be the whole thing renders any concerted move- ment impossible. They inherit a feverish physical unrest that craves the freedom of space and the in- toxication of motion, and they are next to insane on the question of publicity and children. President Roosevelt was probably born under the sign of V Sagittarius or in the immediate vicinity. The flower of Sagittarius is the goldenrod, which is liable to be found growing along any dusty coun- try road, its democratic nature caring little for en- vironment. V December DIRECTIONS FOR BUYING 'S TOURING CAR First mortgage your home. Then visit the various dealers and tell them that you wish to purchase at the least possible figure a touring car combining all the modern features — break-and-make ignition, four speed selective transmissions, military fenders, thirty horse-power, eight cylinders, perfect balance, sealed coil, high tension magneto, double switch, de- tachable tonneau and full set of Gabriel horns. After the purchase is made, select some good, re- liable, sober fellow to look after your business af- fairs. When you get out of the hospital you can trade the machine in on a cigar stand or news depot, pay- ing the balance at the rate of two or three dollars per week until you get back on a paying basis. A second mortgage on your home v/ill pay the doctor*s bill. 6 7 8 9 10 11 ^aturua^ 12 Even a ticket taker at a ball park can be a gentleman. Abe Martin's Almanack / Prof. Alex Tansey, our school teacher, wuz discussin' th' weighin' o' th' human soul. He says it reminds him of a' epi- sode in his old home town, Angoly, when a party o' local scientists tried t' weigh a bung-hole by first weighin' th' barrel. Young Lafe Bud says he alius hates f git his hair cut cause it makes his hat look so old. Mr. Dallas Crane, whose essay, "We Have Left th' Bay an' th' Ocean Lies Be- fore Us," made such a wonderful impres- sion at the com.mencement last spring, has a fine position drivin' a dressed poultry wagon at Cleveland, Ohio. December PSYCHIC PHENOMENA / Dream lore is placed under the head of psychic phenomena. The student of present-day psychology and other scientific people are not inclined to give much thought to the varied influences of dreams, yet many instances are shown of prophetic warnings which seem almost incredible. Mrs. Sam Rudder, of 11117 South Canal street, Zanesfield, Ohio, dreamed that her husband, who is a Big Four passenger engineer, had arrived safely from his run and stood talking to friends in the roundhouse. She arose and frantically grabbed the telephone. Ordering an automobile, she hurried to the railroad yards, where she found her husband safe and sound. 13 14 ®ue0tia^ 15 16 tErijur0J3a^ 17 ifrioa^ 18 ^acutija^ 19 Prof. Hiram Smith, dean of a college at Bloom Center, Ohio, dreamed that he had been attacked by a cat. He called to his wife, who ran to the kitchen to get his revolver, and there discovered the coffee-pot filled with kittens. In a fearful dream two weeks ago. Miss Cyril Jones, whose grandfather is 117 years old, was foretold that he could not live much longer. To-day he is con- fined to his room. — Springfield, 111., Despatch. Mrs. Winifred Conklin, a very w^ealthy Indianapolis widow, was awakened in her richly furnished flat on October 10, 1906, in a ter- ribly nervous condition. She had dreamed that it was daylight, and that the janitor was scrubbing the marble steps. She rushed madly Abe Martin's Almanack to the window, and the sun was shining brightly, but the janitor had not shown up. December *^A diamond seals th' bargain an' a plain ring ties th' knot" — an' that's jist th' beginnin' o' th' holdup. 20 21 22 23 tIPt)ui:0t)a^ 24 25 £^aturt)a^ 26 To dream of rhubarb denotes that you are of a jovial nature and will stand for most anything. To dream of eating it means that you are failing mentally. December 22- 7 p. M. to-day. -Winter begins at December, 1777 — Washington goes into winter quarters at Valley Forge and organizes the first anvil chorus. December 25, 1907- attempted. -Czar's life Abe Martin's Almanack A pass on th' scenic railway is th' best an editor kin do these days. Pinky Kerr, who is travelin' with a repertory company, writes t' his aunt here that a contortionist an' a horizontal bar team joined th' troupe at Bucyrus, Ohio, an' now they have one o' th' strongest dra- matic companies on th' road. December When you once begin t' age a dyed mustache an* a toupee won't save you. Th' feller that would rather smoke a pipe any time than a se-gar alius takes a fifteen-cent drink when somebody sets 'em up. 27 28 t!fue0Ua^ 29 30 tlTliurfiDa^ 31 To dream of seeing turkeys with plug hats on playing lawn tennis is a sign you will have to cut your booze out. December 30 — The Legless Pencil Venders of America meet in convention at Chillicothe, Ohio. 14 DAY USE RETURN TO DESK FROM WHICH BORROWED LOAN DEPT, This book is due on the last date stamped below, or on the date to which renewed. Renewed books are subjert to immediate recall. ^ > ^%ii^ ^ t^ fC- -I^ RCC'D LP FCD 2 2 1961 LD 21-100m-6,'56 (B9311sl0)476 General Library University of California Berkeley f^^ U 08742 ^^3m32 ^X ;1^ THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY nfJn!!lH5H5H*!t52i!H«!!inf»}H}