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 LONDON : 
 JOHN OLLIVIER, 59, PALL MALL. 
 
 MAY BE HAD OF ALL BOOKSELLERS. 
 
 MDCCCLII. 
 
PRINTED T.Y O. NICHOLS, 
 EARL'S COURT, LEICESTER SQUARE. 
 
Mythology, as everybody don't know, is derived from two Greek 
 words, signifying a system of fables, fictions, or 
 | fallals. Time and tradition have attached great 
 importance to these myths; and many attempt to 
 invest them with something like truth. Being 
 neither a breaker nor a worshipper of images, 
 perhaps the writer has been somewhat unscrupulous 
 handling the subject; but, after all that has 
 been written «n incipient and admitted ididatry, (the 
 &M " Pantheon" still forming an essentia/ feature of 
 fy'xfpthe satchel!) it may be permitted the recipient of 
 ^these golden days, — this happy era of fun and free- 
 dom, to plead the license of laughing at what is 
 1 really grave, as a set-off against the venial sin of 
 C%. smiling at what in itself is only calculated to 
 CJ) excite pleasantry. Mirth and monition may go 
 hand-in-hand: and it is presumed this trifle will 
 hurt the feelings of no one. The " godology" 
 seemed a fair theme for lightening that oppressive 
 and indescribable ennui to which all " nice little 
 islanders" are occasionally exposed, and is treated 
 merely as conducive to that end. The author 
 neither attempts to argue nor define; ami hopes he 
 may incur no severer censure from the great tri- 
 bunal of letters, than a gentle response for the 
 attempt to add one unpretentious leaf to the 
 existing records of harmless amusement. — Hence 
 " Mythology made Easy." 
 
 100 
 
fth]tj)ologtj nmk €m\\. 
 
 A B 
 
 I 
 
 A, ABC\E, or ABD^E, a towu of Phocis, the inhabitants 
 of which had been dispersed by Xerxes ; and, after 
 vainly endeavouring to settle at Eubcea and Eubeeba?, 
 they angrily consulted the oracle, to ascertain whether 
 they were to stop at Euboebffi or EuboecaB ? " Eubce-rf / ' ' 
 responded the comforter. — A famous boxer, A-b-b-lasko [Heb.] a native 
 of Ab-bae, according to Pans. 2. decern digit. — The sect called Abece- 
 diarians took their rise amongst these people (somewhat Boeotian), and 
 certainly invented a portion of the alphabet, for it was said of them 
 that they got on very well with their a, b, c, but never arrived at y — z, 
 
 ABALUS, an island in the German Ocean, where amber was supposed 
 to drop from the trees. If a man was drowned, and his body never 
 appeared above water, a quest was summoned, and a verdict returned 
 " Not found drowned." 
 
 ABANTES, a people who built a town in Phocis called Aba, after 
 its founder, a cutting lawyer: hence the nursery-chaunt, " A — bah 
 black sheep ! " 
 
 ABAPtlMON, a country of Scythia, the people of which had their 
 toes behind their heels. They were led to battle, it seems, and turned 
 tail ; so, finding their toes out of their former position, they adroitly 
 took to their heels. 
 
 ABABIS, a Scythian, who possessed a flying arrow, and could 
 transport himself wherever he pleased; but, mixing with a people 
 whom he did not happen to please, and playing off some A tricks, he 
 found they too possessed the power of transporting him wherever they 
 pleased, and sent him over the water. 
 
 ABAS, a merry and unwise young fellow, changed into a lizard for 
 laughing at Ceres. The joke is from the Lizard-point. 
 
 ABASTOB, one of Pluto's horses, black-and-all-black, out of Kiches, 
 by Devil-may-care. 
 
 ABAS US, a man who wrote a dull and heavy history of Troy; and 
 invented Troy-weight. 
 
 It 
 

 : 
 
 ABDALONTIAIUS, a kingly descendant of Sidon, so poor that he 
 worked in a garden, and went about in winter with an iniitation-carrot , 
 on a pole, shouting " Poor frozen-out gardener ! " Alexander conquered I 
 Sidon, and was so pleased with the man, that he exchanged his carrot , 
 for a carat of gold, and turned his pole into a principality. There was 
 at least one lucky pole-ish exile in Sidon. 
 
 ABELLA, a town of Campania, famous for its nuts — and screws ? 
 
 ABII, a nation who lived upon milk — the milk of human kindness, 
 for they were sworn enemies to war and vinegar : their eccentricities i 
 gained them the cognomen of rwm-and-milkers. Their end was peace ! 
 
 ABILA, two mountains called the columns of Hercules ; but that 
 hero having separated them, they were afterwards known as the ; 
 columns of the Times. 
 
 ABISARES, an Indian prince, supposed to be a descendant of 
 Sheere Spoonee, who offered to surrender to Alexander, but Alexander 
 wouldn't have him. I 
 
 ABORIGINES, the original inhabitants of l£aly, or anywhere else. 
 The name implies "unknown origin," or "not traceable;" so that, 
 when people say Smith or Tomkins rose from nothing, they merely 
 catalogue them with aborigines. 
 
 ABRODEETUS, a name given to Parrhasius the painter, who, in 
 his famous picture of the Eunuch, first introduced the neutral tint. 
 
 ABROTA, the wife of Nisus. As a monument to her chastity, lit 
 ordered the old garments which she wore to become the models of 
 fashion. They were hung up in a sort of bazaar ; and hence the 
 origin of Rag -fair, and simil-ai'Ufagasins des Modes. 
 
 ABYDOS, famous for the loves of Hero and Leander, and a curious 
 bridge of boats built by Xerxes, destroyed in a storm. The favourite 
 song, "Farewell, my trim-built wherry!" is supposed to have been 
 founded on this fact. When it was all over with the wherries (inclu- 
 ding the governor's shallop), and the jolly-boat went, the victorious \ 
 Persian wept: he saw nothing jolly in it. 
 
 ABYSSINLA, a country whence 
 
 " Nile takes its rise, 
 "And Bruce his ******!" 
 
 ACADEMIA, a sort of rookery near Athens, surrounded by high \ 
 trees (of knowledge?), and covered-walks a la Cremarne. — Fid. Plato. i 
 
 ACADEMUS, an Athenian, who told Castor and Pollux that their 
 sister was hid in the china closet. She narrowly escaped — with her » 
 
 • • gent., who married her at his earliest convenience. — The name of the . • 
 
 •W. cloak-man at an "evening," who ticketted a distinguished lawyer's hat .\ L 
 
 V||}/ " Caster and Pollock's," and got a fourpenny for his fan. \ j 
 
 ACARNANIA, a people of Epirus, who reckoned only six months \|j( 
 
 '"' ;,, the year. Nobody knows what they did with the other six. IB] 
 
ACCA, the wife of a shepherd; a queer woman, but a good wet-nun 
 witness the two little boys whom she took by the month 
 farthings a-day, and who never required weaning, from having sud- 
 denly become founders of Rome. Some account for this by the 
 substitution of wolf's milk for twenty days, according to the tally. 
 The classic annals of the Eternal City reducible to a milk-score! 
 
 ACCO, an old woman, who went mad on seeing her deformities in a 
 glass. She evidently had a glass too much. 
 
 ACE, now Acre, and sometimes Club Ace, from the Syrians having 
 been beaten, literally, with sticks or clubs. 
 
 ACEEATUS, a soothsayer, who remained firm at Delphi, after the 
 inhabitants had run away from Xerxes. The conqueror, whilst looking 
 him down, happened to sneeze, and Aceratus bolted. 
 
 ACERSE COMES, a surname of Apollo, signifying unshorn, because 
 he never shaved. 
 
 ACES, a river in Asia, and frequently met with in the drawing-room. 
 
 ACESTIUM, a woman, who saw all her male relations invested with 
 the sacred office of torch-bearers or link-boys, and outlived them. 
 She "outwatched the lynx." 
 
 ACHiEA, a temple of Pallas, defended by dogs, who fawned upon the 
 Greeks, but attacked everyone else, especially Jews. The loan was 
 overdue. 
 
 ACHjEUS, a man who aspired to sovereign rule, but was betrayed 
 I iy his chums, sewn up in an ass's-sldn, and gibbetted. They could'nt 
 find a dead donkey, and killed one on purpose to breech him. — A 
 tragic poet of Etruria, who wrote a long score of dramas, only one of 
 which gained the prize. The title " Cycnus," is rather suggestive of 
 the failures. 
 
 ACHATES, a very intimate connexion of Fidus, and joint-partner 
 in the bank of Faith. They failed, and paid no dividend. 
 
 ACHELOUS, a suitor of Dejanira. He challenged Hercules, but 
 broke down, and changed himself, first into a serpent, and then into an 
 ox. Hercules took the bull by the horns, and broke one of them over 
 his left ear. It was afterwards repaired, and given to the goddess of 
 Plenty, who very kindly made a pair of it, and presented them to 
 Doctors' Commons. 
 
 ACHERON, one of the rivers of hell, presided over by a son of Ceres, 
 who had no father, and was changed into a bitter stream. Libations 
 were offered to the deity, believed to be merely gin-and-bitters, but 
 apostrophized in very elegant latinity. 
 
 ACHERUSIA, a lake of Egypt, across which the dead bodies were 
 ferried by Charon. At length a rival boatman appeared on the Styx, 
 and their continual squabbles gave rise to the saying of "as cross as 
 two sticks." 
 
 3 
 
I 
 
 ACHILEA, an island, where there was a tomb of Achilles over 
 which birds never flew. That species which fly in a circle ; and they 
 went round ? 
 f ACHILLES, a Greek, and a good 'un, was born of respectable 
 
 parents, one of whom, his mother, waterproofed him in the Styx, which 
 made him immortal, except a spot on the boy's heel where she gripped 
 it. He was taught Greek by a centaur, and could play the German 
 flute without the additional keys. Thetis, who knew he wa3 to perish 
 \ in the Trojan war, put him into petticoats again, and sent him to a 
 neighbouring court; but the king's daughter unfortunately found him 
 out. He afterwards went for a soldier, and fought in patent-armour. 
 He slew Hector, and made a street-sweeping machine of his body. 
 Troy fell— and so did Achilles— in love, and out of luck. Whilst 
 agitating for the hand of Polyxena, in the temple of Minerva, and 
 taking the loving-cup from the hand of the lady, Paris came behind 
 him, and shouting " Heel-taps !" let fly an arrow at the only bit about 
 him that admitted such visitors. After one little kick from the immor- 
 tal leg, he died like a gentleman, and said nothing about it. Polyxena 
 joined him in Elysium, where, with plenty to eat and nothing to pay, 
 they lived happily ever afterwards. 
 
 ACHOLOE, one of the har-pies. There is a good deal written about 
 these pies. Were they fish or flesh— mutton or eel? 
 \ ACHRO, a foolish poet, mentioned as such by Perseus. Several of 
 
 | his successors never arrived at that distinction. 
 
 \ ACID ALIA, a fountain in which the Graces bathed, and the Peer- < 
 
 | less-pool of those very particular ladies. 
 
 ACILIA LEX, a law against ambitus, or palming electors, enacted 
 in consequence of a senator having sent one of his constituents an old 
 jack-hare very far gone indeed, and which was pronounced to be 
 bribery, and corruption. 
 
 ACILIUS, a consul, whose son was killed by Domitian, because he 
 fought with a wild beast. The truth is, he had a 'bout with the 
 emperor, and upset him. Acilius was a disciple of Dens. 
 
 ACIS, a shepherd, uncommonly fond of a shepherdess, "ruddier 
 than the cherry," named Galatea; but Polyphemus loved her too, and 
 got jealous. Galatea did'nt care; so the ugly one-eyed gunner as he 
 was threw a rock at Acis, and killed him. A great musician has 
 Handel'd the story beautifully. 
 
 ACONTEUS, a celebrated hunter, changed into a stone — stoned to 
 death. He defended himself to the last, and went off reeling to the 
 old tune of " Stony Batter." 
 
 ACONTIUS, a youth of Cea, who fell in love with Cydippe; and, 
 writing some verses on an apple, he threw it into her bosom : they 
 meant literally "Go it, my pippin !" Some say it was a pear, as he 
 married the girl. 
 
I ACRAGALLIDiE, a dishonest nation, living anciently near Athens, 
 
 / I* but migrated westerly. 
 
 ACRISIUS, son of a king of Argos, whose daughter, Danae, was 
 • wheedled out of her propriety by Jupiter : she lodged in a brazen 
 tower, but J., changing himself into a shower of gold, rained in through 
 the roof. 
 
 ACRON, a physician, who cured the Athenians of a plague by 
 placing a light before the infected houses: the "burning shame" of 
 latter-day sinners. 
 
 ACT2EON, a famous huntsman, who accidentally saw Diana bathing, 
 and was changed into a stag, and devoured by his own dogs : according 
 to some writers, on the banks of the Hudson. Another authority says, 
 Ovid. Met. 2. (stags?) just out of Rome, at a spot very similar to 
 Albert Gate. 
 
 ACTISANES, a king of Ethiopia, who cut off the noses of robbers, 
 and threatened them with death if they uttered a complaint. The 
 silent system carried out most stringently, for they were prevented 
 speaking, even through their noses. 
 
 ACTIUM, famous for the battle obtained over Antony and Cleopatra, 
 on the anniversary of Bartholomew Fan-. Augustus instituted games 
 and shows, but fried sausages are an innovation. 
 
 ACTIUS (Maeius), an augur, who cut a loadstone in two with a 
 razor ; and afterwards mounted his nag, and shaved at full gallop, to 
 ; prove his augury. 
 
 ACTORIDES, two cabmen, so fond of each other that nothing 
 could separate them, one taking the whip, and one the reins. During 
 a long life, they never once overcharged a fare without the most 
 \ affectionate unanimity. 
 
 AD AD, or A-dad, a deity among the Assyrians, and a very popular 
 j character everywhere. 
 
 ADAMANT/EA, Jupiter's nurse, who suspended his cradle in a 
 tree, for reasons best known to herself. She gave him the bottle as 
 usual ; but when the little fellow cried, she ordered out the drums, and, 
 pinching his nose, discharged a family-bottle of Godfrey down his 
 imperial throat, mumming " Hush-a-bye, baby, upon the tree-top ! " 
 Here is the baby-jumper, and the cradle-hymn. 
 
 ADASPIT, a people inhabiting the foot of Caucasus, and mostly 
 occupying the ground-floor. 
 
 ADES, the wicked man of the Greeks, and so called because his 
 abode was very dark. People say it was very well paved : why not 
 f light it, under the general lighting-and-paving act ? 
 
 f ADONIS, a favorite of Venus, and the Handsome Jack of his day. 
 \ If "Whilst hunting he was bitten mortally by a wild boar, and bled 
 ii |( profusely. Venus wept, and changed him into an anemone ; saying 
 l|f( she would have given any money to save him, in the hope that he 
 WJ, would shew aj?ain at her floral fetes. 
 
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 ADMETA, a priestess, who expressed a wish to possess the girdle 
 of the queen of the Amazons. Hercules obtained it for her, hut she 
 outgrew it. 
 
 ADMETUS, a king of Thessaly, who was lucky enough to obtain 
 immortality by his second wife dying for him. There were no burial- 
 clubs at the time, or the thing would have looked very black. 
 
 ADONIA, festivals in honour of Adonis, consisting alternately of 
 laughing and lamentation. Only women were admitted who possessed 
 the somewhat rare faculty of crying with one eye, and laughing with 
 the other. 
 
 ADRASTA, one of the Oceanides, and wet-nurse to Jupiter. 
 
 ADRIANUS, emperor of Rome, and a great general. He built 
 a wall in the north of England eighty miles long, and slaughtered 
 half a million of Jews. He could name each man in his army, and 
 recollected every incident of his life— excepting the Jewish massacre. 
 Adrian had a long beard to hide his warty visage, (as the moustache 
 does good service for a bad mouth) ; — never wore a hat; — and bathed 
 with the common people at the baths and wash-houses for the poor. 
 He affected the virtues of Trajan, gave up sixteen budgets to the 
 people, and built a temple to Venus on Mount Calvary. Having 
 attempted suicide and failed, he at length died— because he could'nt 
 help it. 
 
 ^EACUS, son of Jupiter, was appointed a puisne-judge of hell, with 
 appellate jurisdiction. They voted him a crown of parsley in lieu of 
 salary. 
 
 vEDICULA RIDICULI, a temple raised by the Romans to the god 
 of mirth, in consequence of Hannibal, after the battle of Cannse, 
 having gone home for his umbrella, instead of attacking the capitol. 
 
 jEDILES, magistrates who presided over the baths hot and cold of 
 Rome, weights-and-measures, and the meat-market : they also super- 
 intended the watch, and dog's-meat barrows. The majores sat in ivory 
 chairs, and were privileged to use ivory-toothed combs. 
 
 iEDITUUS, an amorous poet, who wrote elegies to Venus's ancle, 
 which were called Lore l-e-g's. 
 
 M&MOIS, or Briareus, a notorious lawyer, whose possession of 100 
 hands is ascribed to his having that number of clients, and an insa- 
 tiable desire to have one in the pocket of each of them. 
 
 LEGALE OS, a mountain of Attica, on which Xerxes puffed his cigar 
 during an engagement of his ships with the Greeks, near the spot. 
 Like many succeeding conquerors he contributed the smoke. 
 
 ^EGIALE, sister to Phreton, was changed into a poplar, though 
 through life she had been considered a very upright woman. 
 
 ^EGILA, a place where Aristomes was taken prisoner by a posse of 
 women, whom he attacked whilst singing the old-hundredth at a 
 tea-meeting. 
 
 (! 
 
JEG 
 
 iEGEUS, a king of Athens, was most anxious to be a father, and 
 the oracle contrived that/Ethra should he the happy mother. Theseus 
 was born to her, and sent to his father when he was able to lift a 
 stone which concealed his sword. Medea was at the time on very good 
 terms with iEgeus, and of course attempted to murder the boy ; but 
 he told his father, and got off. When Theseus returned from his 
 scramble with the Minotaur, he forgot to hoist a white signal as agreed 
 on; and iEgeus, concluding that his son was dead, christened the 
 jEgean sea by throwing himself into it. 
 
 ^EGINETA (Paui.i-s), a physician, who is said to have been the 
 first man-midwife. He wrote a professional squib, called Knock and 
 Ring. 
 
 iEGIPAN, a surname of Pan, because he had goat's feet — and 
 nothing to boot. 
 
 iEGTS, the shield of Jupiter, made of a goat-skin, and surmounted 
 by the head of Medusa, which turned into stone all those who looked 
 on it. Thousands in all ages must have gazed. 
 
 iEGISTHUS, king of Argos, the hero of an immense tarradiddle 
 about love and murder, and all sorts of domestic doings, including 
 great Homeric names and their wives, and the touching interlude of 
 Pylades and Orestes. The latter notable did the finale, by knocking 
 a couple of fellows on the head whilst at prayers in the temple of 
 Apollo. 
 
 iEGYPTUS, brother to Danaus, who married his 50 sons to the 50 
 daughters of his brother. This youth, from sheer jealousy of iEgyp- 
 tus, incited the women to murder their husbands on the nuptial - 
 night; and only one of them escaped. The tragedy followed instantly 
 upon the ladies having taken their pastry. Lynceus, the survivor, 
 stepped out to get his wife a jelly, and she gallantly spared his life: 
 jam satis! — A country of Africa, famous for all sorts of things, as well 
 as the superstition of its inhabitants. They deified the cat, and wor- 
 shipped onions; but as carpenters increased, they added bread-and 
 cheese to the rota, and bread-and-cheese and-onions continued to play 
 off the honours of godship, to the utter discomfiture of poor puss, win., 
 with Isis and the crocodile, were forthwith uncanonized. 
 
 iELIANUS, a Roman sophist, who threw up rhetoric, and turned 
 author, writing several works on history, natural history, etc., in the 
 Greek language, preferring it to the Roman. A critic accused him of 
 throwing the hatchet, and very clumsily too; adding, his natural 
 history was extremely natural, and there was nothing Greek about 
 him but his cap. 
 
 ^ELTUS (GAiius), a lawyer, and called the Gallus by way of dis- 
 tinction. He wrote a dictionary of law-terms ; but it being objected 
 that the word "justice" was not in the index, Gallus defended the 
 omission with a tact quite worthy of his high name. 
 
jELIUS, a Roman family of sixteen, who lived in a small house, 
 and on the produce of a little field. Here was a model family, a model 
 lodging-house, and a model meadow to match. 
 
 MELIUS, a lawyer greatly commended by Cicero, and called by 
 Ennius cordatus homo; which Mr. John Ketch would have translated 
 as conferring upon himself the same distinction. 
 
 iELIUS (Pjetus), a senator, who bit off the head of a wood- 
 pecker, because it perched on his legislatorial hat. The woodpecker 
 " tapping," .Elius evidently took it for another description of tap; and 
 the- consequence was, as a soothsayer had predicted, the fall of his 
 family at the battle of Cannae. 
 
 MELIUS (Satubninus), was thrown from a rock, for writing verses 
 against Tiberius : 
 
 " And what was particularly particular, 
 
 " The rock was perpendicularly perpendicular." 
 
 MELIUS (Sextus), a censor, who separated the people at public 
 representations, in gallery, pit, and boxes. ILs dined off a plain 
 willow-pattern plate, though offered a silver one ; and refused to part 
 with his little cups and saucers, which had been presented to him for 
 his virtues, after the conquest of Macedonia. 
 
 uELURUS (a cat), whom the Egyptians worshipped, embalmed, and 
 buried with great pomp. When the deity was unpropitious suppliants 
 hung their heads, and sighed " Tom's offended ! " He was only known 
 to laugh once during his divinity, which nearly cost him his situation. 
 
 .EMILIA LEX, a law which encouraged the superstition of driving 
 a nail to avert calamity. An unfortunate painter was at sea with his j 
 chef d'mivre ; and, a dreadful storm coming on, he nailed his colours to 
 the mast, and escaped shipwreck. 
 
 vEMUS, an actor in Domitian's reign, who was the first performer 
 of the Hervio-nano feat— walking across the proscenium like a fly, the 
 sides of which were afterwards called the flies. Some ill-natured 
 appendage of the court having insinuated that the imperial fly-slayer 
 was pointed at, the emperor promised a bespeak, and a new epilogue ; 
 which resulted in the actor's mortal exit at the end of the play. 
 
 iEMYLIA, a vestal who rekindled the fire of Vesta, which was 
 extinguished by putting her veil over it. Dion. Hal. insinuates that a 
 lucifer and the library-bellows were found hid in the corner-cupboard, 
 and that she had just taken the veil, but nobody knew where; inferring 
 that it was not her veil at all, and that concealment was the object. 
 
 ^EMYLIUS, a poet who wrote a tragedy without a murder, and 
 killed himself to complete it. 
 
 jEMYLIUS (Macee), a poet of Verona, who versified on various 
 subjects, bees included. Macer should have tried his hand on queues. 
 
 jEMYLIUS (Pappus), the father of a school, celebrated for having 
 furnished Rome with many notable lawyers. 
 
iEGOCEEOS, a nurse of Nero, who invented a drench, which she 
 called, in compliment to the child, "a real blessing to mothers." 
 Whilst swallowing it, the nurseling contrived to pick the old woman's 
 pocket of Is. lid. She raved, and stamped; but the little dear 
 smilingly insinuated that the stamp was included. 
 
 AGALLA, a woman of Corcyra, who wrote a treatise on grammar. 
 Being called upon at oue of her lectures to decline homo, she failed, 
 and got married. 
 
 AGAMEMNON, king of Argos, went against the Trojans when Paris 
 walked off with Helen. He manned a fleet, and met with very bad 
 weather at Aulis, where he murdered his daughter, and got a fair wind. 
 He was a married man, yet ran away with Achilles' lady, and won Cas- 
 sandra at a raffle when ''old Troy was laid in ashes." Cassandra told 
 the hero that his "good lady" would do for him, but Agamemnon 
 merely kissed her, and said "don't mention it." Clytemnestra, how- 
 ever, laid by till clean-linen day, when she put out his dress-chemise, 
 and muffled the sleeves. The "good lady" watched her opportunity, 
 and floored him with an axe whilst he was rating the clear-starcher. 
 
 AGASICLES, a king of Sparta, who said a monarch should govern 
 his subjects as a father governs his children, — wash their hands and 
 face, comb their hair, and send them to school in a clean pinafore; 
 finding everything, including soap, a lump of jam, and the schoolmaster. 
 
 AGATHARCIDAS, a Samian philosopher, who wrote a treatise on 
 stones. He was a man of great weight, upwards of eighteen stone 
 without his spectacles, but the stonnage of his subject is not set down. 
 
 AGATHIAS, a poet in the age of Justinian, several of whose 
 epigrams are not in the Anthologia. This is doubtful: 
 
 " Sam is sure to be heard, whilst his betters are dumb; 
 " His hollowness aids — like a pea ill a drum." 
 
 AGGEAMMES, a king whose father was a wig-maker and married the 
 reigning queen; but he barber-Eoss-ly murdered all the royal children 
 except Aggrammes, and ultimately brought his own head to the block. 
 
 AGLAONICE, a great artiste in eclipses, &c. She boasted she 
 could bring down the moon, which she did, by shooting it — with her 
 landlady's spoons. 
 
 AGONALIA, festivals in honour of Janus, at which the priests 
 offered a ram to the god, and his horns to the poor. 
 
 AGONES CAPOTOLINI, games on the Capitoline hill, at which 
 prizes were given for poetry, boxing, &c. Statius contended for dis- 
 tinction. The Thebaid and the Tipton Slasher! 
 
 AIUS LOCUTIUS, a "warning voice" from the altar of Vesta, 
 intimating that Eome would be taken by the Gauls. Camillus, after 
 preventing the attack, built a temple, and dedicated it to the Invisible 
 Girl. 
 
ALBANIA, a country whose inhabitants had all blue eyes; even 
 es were said to be black-and-blue. 
 
 ALBINUS was governor of Britain, and a great breakfast-eater, 
 which consisted of 500 figs, 100 peaches, 201bs. of raisins, 10 melons, 
 and 400 oysters. Spirit of Dando, what must bis dinner have been ! 
 
 ALBUTUS, a sordid man of Canidia, who beat his servants, in case 
 he should not have time to punish them when they offended. He 
 published the Duties of Servants, with " numerous corrections." 
 
 ALCJEUS, a lyric, and a great runner after the women and before 
 the enemy. He courted Sappho ; but she permitted him to come and 
 go, talk about her eyes and white satin, and that's all. He went into 
 the sulks, and invented alcaic verses. 
 
 ALCHIDAS, a Bhodian who fell in love with a naked cupid, and 
 left a sum of money to put all the little loves into continuations. 
 
 ALCYONA, a pool in Greece, whose depth Nero in vain attempted 
 to find. Too deep for the royal moonraker. 
 
 ALEANDEK, a Lacedemonian who accidentia put out one of the 
 eyes of Lycurgus. The philosopher coolly said it woidd give him some 
 idea bow he looked when he was asleep. 
 
 ALECTBYON, a youth who played Do:c;/ to Mars, at one of his re- 
 ceptions of Venus. Apollo stole his lanthorn, and candled the war-god 
 to all the celestials. Mars having discovered that Alec, was scribbling 
 scandal when he fell asleep, turned him into a cock, to announce 
 sunrise for ever, and called him the morning herald. 
 
 ALEXANDEB, son of Philip, was sumamed the Great, on ac- 
 count of a large fire happening on the night he was born, and his 
 success in taming Bucephalus, a giant horse, which none of the stable- 
 boys dared mount. He went to Aristotle's academy, and subscribed for 
 a large-paper copy of his Natural History. He defeated Darius at the 
 Grauicus, and slaughtered 2000 Tyrians in cold blood. Alexander 
 made himself a god, got beery, and burnt the city of Persepolis in 
 mere dalliauce, for the especial amusement of his concubine. 
 
 ALEXIBHOE, a daughter of the river Granicus, and mother of a 
 large family of fluids: several of them ran into the arms of the sea, 
 and were entirely lost sight of. 
 
 ALIFiE, a town in Italy, famous for the making of cups. A steady 
 workman was described as being always in his cups. 
 
 ALPHEIA, a surname of Diana in Elis, given when the river 
 Alpheus attempted to kiss her. She slapped his face, which threw him 
 into a profuse cold perspiration, but affectionately took the chill off by 
 allowing him to do it again. 
 
 ALPHEUS, a river celebrated for all sorts of tricks, falling in love 
 with Arethusa being one of them. Hercules turned it through and 
 cleansed the Augean stable; but where the deuce did he get his 
 broom ? 
 
ALPHEIUS, a celebrated usurer, who lived entirely alone, and was 
 in the luil'it of sending his little dog out for bill-stamps. 
 
 ALCEUS, a giant, who married a lady very respectably connected, 
 li\ whom Neptune had twins that grew nine inches every month. 
 They undertook a long war at nine years old. The last accouuis I. i'l 
 thein growing. 
 
 ALPIS, two rivers or streams that fall into the Danube. Rivers are. 
 proverbially as well as poetically peacefid, for they never fall out, 
 
 ALPINIUS, an unfortunate pocta, who was laughed at by Horace for 
 his bad strophes and worse catastrophes'. Even his epic was said to be 
 epic-ene. 
 
 ALTHAEAS, a king of Scythia, who preferred the neighing of a horse 
 to the music of Ismenias. The head of the royal saw-pit had strong 
 predilections in favour of the noble steed. The first tragedian, hap- 
 pening to block the palfrey, was knocked down, with "What, stand 
 before ahorse!" The prima donna too, upon another occasion, was 
 frightfully ruffled in Butti, batti ! for a like offence, and imputing 
 personality to " the fellow what found the money." 
 
 ALYATTES, a king of Lydia to whose memory a monument was 
 raised by the nymphs of the pave. It originated in a beautiful 
 courtezan defending herself from a murderous attack in open day. 
 Alyattes gave her a clasp of the first class, and hanged the offender. 
 A law forbidding the use of pattens had just been repealed, which 
 greatly assisted the means of defeuce, and ultimately led to the em- 
 ployment of the stonemason. 
 
 AMASIS, a man who from a common soldier rose to be a king. 
 He made his subjects give an account how they supported them- 
 selves. One man returned "on wood." His majesty was bothered, 
 until it was explained that the wag went upon crutches. The cripple 
 got a pension of 3s. (Jd. a year. 
 
 AMAPHE, an extemporaneous island, so christened by the Argo- 
 nauts because they saw the new moon in a storm. They had but a 
 solitary brown amougst them, but they instantly tinned it, and broke 
 their telescopes. 
 
 AMATHEA, a princess who fed Jupiter with goat's milk. In return 
 he gave her a horn for the under-nurses, which had the power to grant 
 them everything they desired — except good husbands. This produced 
 the ugliest possible hitch; and they gave it up, hanging the horn 
 on the dilemma. 
 
 A3.IAZONES, a nation of famous women who passed their time in 
 war and manly exercises. The modern Amazones or Agapemonarians 
 eschew war, but object not to test the thew and muscle. They live 
 upon hips and haws; and then domicile (the abode of Love) is alter- 
 nately enlivened by singing to their own tea-kettles, leap-frog, and 
 hockey. 
 
AM 
 
 AMBROSIA, the bread and beer of the gods: it was sweeter than 
 honey, and odoriferous as a barber's boudoir. Made into little fancy 
 ingots like lady's fingers, it was generally served as a bon-bon, though 
 sometimes used for the hair. Juno and Venus both patronized it when 
 they were anxious to make themselves uncommon lovely, and to bring 
 down their bird at the shortest possible notice. 
 
 AMBUBAJiE, Scythian women who attended festivals with indeeenl 
 antics and elastic apron-strings. 
 
 AMCEBiEUS, an Athenian player, who sang at the nuptials of De- 
 metrius and Nicoea. His performance was a sort of nuptial-song, 
 hitting off the leading characteristics of the happy couple. Nicsea was 
 sweetly pretty; Demetrius not very handsome, and peppery withal; — a 
 scena from the " Beauty and the Beast" was gone through. The groom 
 lost his temper, and told the actor he would soon be without a leg to 
 stand on. Anicebseus immediately stood on his head, and sang Hot 
 Codlins. 
 
 AMPHION, one of the greatest lyres of Fabledom. He played a 
 voluntary, and the walls of Thebes rose complete. It is the only in- 
 stance of music being substituted for mortar. 
 
 AMPHISTIDES, a man who boasted he could not remember that 
 he had a father. — A gent, who regretted that he ever had a father. 
 How many did he want? 
 
 AMULIUS, the younger brother of Numitor, who stole the crown, 
 and devoted his daughter to "perpetual virginity;" but she wrote to 
 Mars, and young Romulus and Remus astonished the usurper. Amu- 
 lius thought this tiro bad, and ordered the mother to be buried alive, 
 and the infants drowned; but a she-wolf came up, and preserved the 
 little bricks to build the Vatican. 
 
 AMYCL/E, followers of Pythagoras, who abstained entirely from 
 flesh : they never fleshed their swords even in self-defence, and were 
 devoured by serpents. 
 
 "Each devotee, an anti-social glutton, 
 
 " Would sooner eat his grandmamma than mutton." 
 
 AMYCLAS, brother of Eurydice, who married, and was mother of 
 Danae. Danae was mixed up with Jupiter's scheme for mystifying the 
 currency question by the celebrated fall of gold. 
 
 AMYCUS, a son of Ixion and the Cloud. Mrs. Cloud was the 
 earliest omnibus -proprietor, ranking very high in the craft ; and this 
 enabled Ixion, who had to fit himself with a very extraordinary wheel, 
 to get it at trade-price. 
 
 AMYNTAS, one of Virgil's handsome shepherds, who set the vogue 
 for apple-green breeches, and killed all the women with "such a leg !" 
 He died with his pipe in his mouth, excelled by none, and equalled by 
 few, in his particular walk. 
 
 12 
 
AMYRIS, a man of Sybaris, who consulted the oracle of Delphi 
 concerning the probable duration of his country's prosperity, &c. and 
 was told to go home and mend his stockings. 
 
 ANACHAESIS, a Scythian, and reckoned uncommonly wise : he 
 invented tinder, but had no match. He lived in a dog-kennel on 
 wheels, and went from place to place, professedly to preach philosophy, 
 but really to escape the income-tax. His brother shot an arrow 
 which is said to have taken root in his breast, and that he died of the 
 said over-dose of arrow-root. 
 
 ANACREON, a famous lyric poet, and a great " goer." He was 
 very fond of his bottle, and anybody else's, doing one-two till three in 
 the morning. Going the whole grape, he was caught on the hip ! and 
 suddenly bagged his kit. 
 
 ANAXENOR, a musician greatly honoured by M. Antony, and to 
 whom he granted the tribute of four cities, which amounted to about 
 the annual levy of a " reg'lar dustman." 
 
 ANAXILAS, a magician banished from Italy by Augustus, who 
 afterwards engaged himself to a wizard of the North : he claimed 
 the hatfull of stirabout when thoroughly dispossessed, as a per- 
 quisite. 
 
 ANDABAT^l, gladiators who fought naked and blindfolded: the 
 " blind-man's buff " of that time. 
 
 ANDRODUS, a slave who was spared by a lion in the circus, because 
 he had cut his corns skilfully, and wouldn't take the guinea. 
 
 ANDRON, an Argive, who travelled all over the deserts of Libya 
 without drink. He wrote a work on animal fluids; but his conclusions 
 were so absurd, that he certainly must have been drunk on the 
 premisses. 
 
 ANGLI, a people of Germany from whom the English derived 
 their name. They were called angle-eyed, which proves that the squint 
 had been discovered. 
 
 ANIUS, king of Delos, had three daughters, to whom Bacchus gave 
 the power of changing what they pleased into wine, corn, or oil. One 
 of them spitefully changed her husband into a cask of port. He 
 possessed good taste, but got very conceited and fond of the tipple, 
 insomuch that some one told him, if he could but contrive to swallow 
 himself for five minutes, it would make him sick as long as he lived. 
 He asked for time, defied the taunt, and never got over it. 
 
 ANNA, an old woman, who, when the Roman populace had fled to 
 Mount Sacer, gaffed with them for gingerbread nuts, and was decreed 
 divine honours. She attempted to introduce brandy-balls, but ginger- 
 pop was substituted. 
 
 ANNIBAL, a very fine animal, with one eye and a receipt for 
 asphalting the Alps. He gave the Romans a good salaiing at Cannse; 
 but the story of the miraculous vinegar is a mere oily-gammonism. 
 
 13 
 
ANNICEEIS, a first-rate hackney-man, who handled the ribbons 
 before Plato and his big school-boys. He then gave them a course of 
 yalops, and set them down at then- own doors for a joe. 
 
 ANTiEUS, a gentleman-giant who had the honour of being squeezed 
 to death by Hercules. The squeeze was not timed. 
 
 ANTENOR, a Trojan prince, who played fast and loose in the ten 
 years' war. He started the wooden horse for the palladium stakes, 
 and Greeked Ids countrymen. 
 
 AVI EROS, a younger brother of Cupid to order, and a sort of 
 strengthening-plaister for that lively youtb. Cupid had continued very 
 childish. Anteros sticking to him, he became a fine man-boy, and very 
 strong on the wing. It is thought that giblet-soup had something to 
 do with it. 
 
 ANTHESTERIA, festivals in honor of Bacchus, which lasted three 
 days. The first was devoted to tapping the liquor, the second to 
 drinking it, and the third to the exhibition of sacred seeds; which last 
 was altogether a seedy affair. The devotees marshalled themselves, 
 and ridiculed the passers-by, presenting some such scene as the 
 return on a Derby-day. 
 
 ANTHROPOPHAGI, a people who fed on human flesh. The 
 sausage was then a myth, and the civil law wholly unknown. 
 
 ANTHYLLA, a city on the Nile, the inhabitants of which found the 
 queen in shoes : leathered her majesty by appointment. 
 
 ANTIAS, the goddess of fortune, worshipped— everywhere. 
 
 ANTILOCHUS, a menial, who panegyrized Lysander, and received 
 a hatfull of silver. It was all round his hat, and suggested the silver 
 band for livery-servants. 
 
 ANTINOUS, one of the suitors of Penelope, who tried to get 
 Telemachus out of the way ; and when Ulysses appeared at his own 
 gate, disguised as a beggar with a little basket of nutmeg-graters and 
 save-alls, Antinous turned savage, and struck him. Ulysses went in, 
 and very soon gave him bis quietus without a " bare bodkin," for be 
 had sold them all. 
 
 ANTIOCHUS, the name borne by some ten or a dozen great fellows 
 in their way, who knocked men on the head like nine-pins, and excelled 
 in the royal game of goose. One stood boldly out as remarkable for 
 the length of his nose ; and another used to bathe in cerulean balm, 
 get groggy, and show himself for a shilling. He was nightly " called," 
 and enthusiastically pelted with his own penny-pieces. 
 
 ANTIPATER, an extemporaneous rhymer of Rhodes, who could 
 chaunt on any given subject; but " calfs-head and brains " being once 
 proposed, he fell into a furious passion. He couldn't do it ; and got 
 malty on the anniversary of the dilemma till his death. He wrote 
 songs, in one of which life is compared to a " tingling symbol." He 
 was a jew by rites, but a gentile in bis jills. 
 
ANTTCrONUS, one of Alexander's generals, and believed to be his 
 love-brother. He cashiered several of his officers for tavern- hunting, 
 and put a heavy tax on the toddy-kettle. A poet called him divine, 
 and confessed his inability to address him suitably, when Antigonus 
 referred him to his tailor. 
 
 ANTIOPE, the daughter of a king, and the deluded of Jupiter : 
 all sorts of things followed. Sweet babies hardly out of their cradles 
 were "jusl " preserved, and ultimately married, or unmarried, as it 
 happened ; and genteel spinsters, or disconsolate widows, were turned 
 into fountains, or " twizzled" to wild animals, as the gamin ties a tin- 
 kettle to a dog's tail. Antiope managed pretty well. After going 
 mad, and all over Greece, Phocus cured, paid the surplice-fees, and 
 married her. 
 
 ANTIPHATES, a king of Lsestrygones with an extraordinary appe- 
 tite. Ulysses landed three men to reconnoitre; and Antiphates, having 
 his glass levelled at the time, pounced upon and ate them as spies, 
 ever afterwards calling his instrument a spy-glass. He then threw a 
 stone at the old Trojan's fleet, and sunk it. 
 
 ANTISTEUS (Labeo), a lawyer who opposed Augustus, and said to 
 be mad by Horace. He put his bad debts into items, and charged 
 them to his paying clients as " costs out of pocket." 
 
 ANTISTHENES, a cynic and a schoolmaster. He wore an old 
 goose-rumped coat full of holes, through which Socrates said he saw 
 his vanity. He lived to use up his philosophy and his paletot, and left 
 not a rag behind. Antisthenes advocated suicide ; and told one of his 
 pupils philosophy had taught him to live by himself. " Mine," re- 
 plied the other, " teaches me to live with my wife." 
 
 ANTONIUS (M.) a tribune, and friend of Cassar, whose funeral- 
 sermon he preached, on his assassination in the senate-house. He 
 was afterwards triumvir with young Caesar, and got his slice of power 
 in the east, where he put away his wife, and took up with a most pro- 
 voking beauty named Cleopatra. He w r ent very fast indeed, played 
 Hercules in a drama of his own concocting, and wrote in praise 
 of drunkenness, which he illustrated himself. Cicero reviewed the 
 book, and published the philippic, with additional cuts. Antony and 
 Cleopatra went as enemies against Octavius Caesar, and met at Actium. 
 Cleopatra, being an unusually fine woman, had the command of a 
 squadron, and, looking wicked, telegraphed Antony to the effect that 
 she expected every man to do his duty. Whether Antony had been 
 doing the shabby it is impossible to tell at this distance of time ; but 
 certain it is, on going into action, Cleopatra made the captain and 
 crew dizzy with her wiles, and ran slick away with 60 sail of the 
 line en arriere. Antony as usual ran after her, but only to take steel, 
 and cry " Done!" Cleopatra sought a bosom-friend in the shape of an 
 asp, which " sucked its nurse asleep ! " 
 
 15 
 
AN 
 
 ANYTA, an elegant Greek poetess, some of whose verses are extant. 
 The fragment, though addressed to a lady on whose lip a heavenly 
 sin ilc was said to dwell, is a forgery — 
 
 " Augels speak in Paradise 
 " Tli' unwritten language of the eyes; 
 " And charmed to dumbness all must be 
 " Who hold such dear discourse with thee." 
 
 ArELLES, a famous painter, to whom ne sutor, &c. has been applied 
 in the sense that he never went beyond his last — picture, the Anadyo- 
 mene. He died making no sign, excepting on three of his best 
 pictures, and which a grateful and sympathizing posterity has multi- 
 plied pro forma. 
 
 APIS, a god of the Egyptians, who thought proper to change 
 himself into an ox ; his colour was black with several white marks, and 
 the figure of an eagle on his back. He used to die, and get up again 
 when the priests had shaved their heads. Cambyses requested an 
 interview with Apis, but the beast-stuffers having struck, the deacons 
 could not get one ready in time, and placed a wretched imitation before 
 his majesty, who thereupon exclaimed "By my beard, they have 
 brought me the Black Bull at Aldgate ! " 
 
 APOLLO, a celebrated heathen, of very high birth. He was pro- 
 fessor of poetry, a mus. doc, an immense hurdygurdy, a beautiful flute, 
 and one of the sweetest men " as ever was." 
 
 APOLLONIUS, an Egyptian poet, generally called Apollonius of 
 Bhodes, because he kept a cyder-cellar — with no cyder in it. 
 
 APOTHEOSIS, the art and mystery of deity-making. An image of 
 the deceased was laid on a couch, and attended until death, when it 
 was taken to the Campus Martius, and laid on an altar, on which were 
 thrown pepper-and-salt, and a lucifer. After a solemn procession, the 
 new emperor took the match, and set fire to the concern. A carrier- 
 pigeon was then dispatched with inclosures for the Elysian-fields. 
 
 APULEIUS, an African, and an extravagant fellow, who married a 
 rich widow in a fit of poverty. He afterwards became repentant, and 
 acquired latin without a mistress. He then wrote the Golden Ass, in 
 which by way of rider he compares himself and others to the genius 
 who ran a flash of lightning home, and found it — out. 
 
 AQUAKIUS, one of the signs of the zodiac, and a wet day. 
 
 ARABIA, a country of Asia, inhabited by a very spicy set of people, 
 who cut off the women's noses, and invented algebra. When they 
 hanged for adultery, the executioner used to cry " One, two, three, and 
 away ! " in allusion to then- having invented the figures 1, 2, 3. 
 
 ARAXES, or Arras, near which the Black Prince let fly at a rat, and 
 finished a fishmonger named Polonius; and to whom the world is 
 indebted for that delicious condiment called a polony. 
 
 16 
 
AE 
 
 AEACHNE, a poor needlewoman of Colophon, who challenged 
 Minerva to stitch her for what she liked. Minerva was a first rate 
 needle, and beat her woman into fits — of jealousy. They quarrelled, 
 and in a sort of tilt Arachne received a stitch in the side (some say 
 a back-stitch,) which felled, and ultimately drove her to the incon- 
 venient length of hanging. To prevent an autopsy she was changed 
 into a spider; and Minerva, having used a clumsy, and what was 
 not then considered a regulation-needle, was ever afterwards stigma- 
 tized as the Whitechapel blunt. From the material in which each 
 excelled, one was called the Crewel (cruel |, mid the other the Worsted. 
 Neither of them ever worked in Berlin. 
 
 ARCADIA, a very poetical country of shepherds living U] on grass, 
 • oid trai in- dieir pedigree to the moon. Thej were extreme 1 .} ion ol 
 music, and constantly piping, hut nohody knew where they got their 
 tobacco. Their wine placed near a tire was said to become chalky, 
 especially when they sat in for a mighty drink-, and went off at 
 score. 
 
 AECESILAf'S, a philosopher who pretended to know nothing, not 
 even himself, — and people believed him. 
 
 AECHELAUS, a savant who maintained that goats, like music 
 maniacs, breathed through their ears. 
 
 ARCHIAS, a Corinthian, who had the choice of health or riches: 
 he chose the latter, and died in debt to his doctor. 
 
 ARGUS, an extraordinary optical phenomenon, who had 100 eyes, 
 but never slept with more than two at a lime; so that with 98 eyes he 
 could not be said to be wide awake. Peacocks became heirs-general of 
 his eyes; though it seems they were afterwards entailed, and placed 
 in the seat of beauty of that magnificent bird. 
 
 ARIADNE, a king's daughter, fell in love with Theseus, who was 
 confined in a labyrinth to be swallowed by the Minotaur: she 
 gave him a thread or clue-line, by which he gol out of his vegetable 
 a-maze-ment. Theseus was very grateful indeed while the tit was on, 
 and married Ariadne. The chap, however, cut her at Naxos, and she 
 either married again, or strangled herself; which was much the same 
 thing in that meridian. Bacchus wooed, and gave her a crown. 
 Site was at length doddled about as the bosom-jewel of "smart" men 
 \ery fond of satin, mounted on a china-pug, and looking proportion- 
 ately provoking. 
 
 AEIMASPIAS, a river with golden sands and one-eyed inhabitants. 
 They waged war ineffectually with a nation of two-eyed sharps, who 
 always contrived to keep one on the enemy, and tl ther on the 9 ] 
 
 melting-pot. 
 
 ARIONPHACI, a people remarkable for their kindness: they dr. 
 everything mild, and never heard of half-and-half. Though livi 
 upon berries they attained a great age, literally berried alive. 
 
 17 
 
AEISTARCHUS, a critic who anatomized Homer, and proved 
 grammatically that he had no kidneys. He cut up rather suspiciously 
 himself, and died of dropsy. Aristarchus introduced the kidney-bean 
 in balloting; and left two sons, fair specimens of the craft, with the 
 usual allowance of kidney. 
 
 ABISTIDES, a celebrated Athenian, surnamed the Just, for his 
 virtues. He was banished, recalled, commanded at Salamis, died, and 
 was buried by subscription! His daughters were supported by the 
 public, and his grandson went about the streets vending dream-trash. 
 
 ABISTOBULUS, one of Alexander's attendants, who compiled a 
 false life of the king. Alexander wrote in it "This is not my life, bul 
 tin epitaph: Here lies Aristobulus." 
 
 AEISTOMACHUS, a man so inordinately fond of bees, that he 
 passed fifty-eight years in swarming them. During that time he never 
 omitted every morning singing "How doth the little busy bee'.'' by 
 way of propitiation. Bee's-wax was his one idea, and entered into 
 everything, even unto his toasted cheese. , 
 
 AEISTOMENES, a famous and well-bearded general. He was killed 
 in action, and dissected, when the aorta was found to be surrounded 
 with hair. In his last moments lie evidently had his whiskers at heart. 
 
 ABISTON, a wrestler, who put on the gloves with Plato, and satis- 
 fied the philosopher in two seconds; a feat as yet unparalleled, putting 
 time out of the question. 
 
 AEISTONYMUS, a celebrated tambonr-major, who introduced 
 "Mammy-Daddy" at Alexander's feast, whilst the emperor was as- 
 sisting Thais to the drumstick. 
 
 AEISTOE, father of the hundred-eyed keeper of Io, and great- 
 great grandfather of Io-u. 
 
 AEISTOTLE was the son of a medical man in a small way, and born 
 at Stagira. He was a very sad dog, and spent all he could rap and 
 rend in sugar-paper and wafers. He attended Plato's lectures some 
 years, and then turned lecturer himself, living for the most part 
 on vegetables and logic. He went to bed with a bullet in his hand, 
 which, dropping into the warming-pan, prevented him sleeping too 
 soundly. Alexander went to Aristotle's school, and the stoic was greatly 
 admired by Philip, who paid the account and extras very regularly. 
 Aristotle wished to make his wife a pastoral divinity, with the exclusive 
 privilege of wearing corn-dowers in her cap, but he died suddenly of 
 cholic, aid she lost her chance. 
 
 AEEUNf HJS, a famous geographer accused of treason, who opened 
 his veins, and couldn't shut them again. 
 
 AESINOE, a distant relation of Venus, to whom Dinochares dedi- 
 cated and commenced a temple of loadstone; but the thing turned out 
 altogether unattractive, for the enthusiast died, and the lady, who was 
 to have been suspended by the power of the magnet, was left unchiselled. 
 
 18 
 
A R 
 
 ARISTYLLUS, an obscure poet who wrote verses at thirteen-pence 
 a mile, and not thought particularly cheap either. The following para- 
 phrase of an incident in the life of a celebrated actress may perhaps 
 justify the tariff. The prayer was for an extension of license, and 
 the scene a well-known marine palace. 
 
 "Pardonnes moi, Jc suis Madame, 
 
 Come post, to prove the sacred charm 
 
 They say doth ' hedge-in ' Royalty — 
 
 I see no hedges here — not I — 
 
 And as to the Divinity — 
 
 (Methinks your Majesty looks sly, 
 
 As you would hint, 'tis all my eye!) — 
 
 Oh! she's at home at the Olympic: 
 
 Not where they made the town Crow Jim sick ; 
 
 But that snug house just off the Strand, 
 
 Where I am stationed en command, 
 
 Resolved (an egotist must stammer), 
 
 For one, to save the sinking drama : 
 
 Upholding still her just decrees, 
 
 That save us harniless whilst we please! 
 
 Where actors emulate the days 
 
 Of critic skill and honest praise — 
 
 Where authors, graceful, easy, light, 
 
 Though decorous, can still delight, 
 
 And ne'er th' unwilling smile provoke, 
 
 To wound the judgment through a joke ! 
 
 I scout the crazed and monstrous ware 
 
 Woidd make an unrolled mummy stare — 
 
 The scribes, whose' wit true wits disown, 
 
 Scarce viler, if it were their own ! 
 
 And leave each peddling, pilfering sneak, 
 
 To Faublas and his filthy clique — 
 
 Let them steal on for nightly pence — 
 
 I do keep foils — but not a, fence! 
 
 My pieces with all care I martial, 
 
 Nor to ' the needful ' over-partial ! 
 
 My loyalty would deem it sin 
 
 To see a crowned head skulk in 
 
 With foolscap frill and unsoaped chin ! 
 
 My queens must be much more than pat in 
 
 The price of Cranbourne-alley satin ; 
 
 My princes may not gape and greet 
 
 Like lanky pot-boys when they meet; 
 
 My princesses, to 'scape dull mockings, 
 
 May pink their nails, but not their stockings ; 
 
 My ladies e'en be ' lady-loves,' 
 
 But not exactly turtle-doves — 
 
 Nor twit their locks, nor twitch their kirtle, 
 
 That savours strongly of mocfc-turtle : 
 
 My gallants, ecce ! in high feather, 
 
 Cleanly knit from nape to nether ; 
 
 My ' rightful heirs,' though gay yet neat, 
 
 No Monmouths rigg'd from Monmouth-street! 
 
 My captains, ' handsome, young, and rich,' 
 
 Affect the Tower— but not the Ditch! 
 
 19 
 
AR 
 
 And my "A — d splashy dogs eschew 
 
 ■s of Lord Mayor's show. 
 My villains e'en boast decent thatch 
 No worsted wig, and voice to match ! 
 I do no murder — loath the prigs 
 Who stab as they had long stabbed pigs; 
 Papa pick off— the daughter chouse — 
 (Faugh! mine shall be no slaughter-house!) 
 Red as new cart-wheels — smutch and grease — 
 Such craft shall never slay my piece ! 
 No — no — my characters as light 
 As good champagne — 'twere well as bright — 
 May not the many-coloured hues 
 Of life assume but to abuse; 
 Chameleon-like, past all compare, 
 Folks ponder, look asquint, or stare, 
 And wonder what the devil they are! 
 All colours? — why the creature's none, 
 A blank— unlit by nature's sun! 
 So of mere mimic make-beUeve — 
 Fictitious grief can scarce deceive ! / 
 Be mine the lighter, and I leave 
 Each scene of woe to Mr. Grieve ' 
 No tears shall dim my wild bouquet 
 But those of joy — so touji 
 Whilst April beams bring buds of May ! 
 Though grateful still the public meed, — 
 To all there comes a time of need ! — 
 Where England's Honour still presides, 
 Mercy with Majesty abides, 
 
 I plead ! " 
 
 The Monarch wav'd his hand, 
 
 And Fancy visioned Prospero's wand, — 
 
 With bent and brow might well beseem 
 
 The Isle-god of the Enchanter's dream, 
 
 He spake : — and, as the suppliant heard, 
 
 Manna seemed fallen from every word ! — 
 
 " Time and the hour produce strange things, 
 
 To ward, is not the gift of kings ! 
 
 But poor the means that power supplies, 
 
 Yet poor indeed the power denies 
 
 To aid the weak — assure the strong, 
 
 Counsel for right, or combat wrong! 
 
 You ask for time — Thalia's Queen — 
 
 I grant! Still be what you have been!'' 
 
 ARTAXERXES, a great name even arter Xerxes. The conqueror 
 married two of his own daughters, and died, at 94, of a broken heart! 
 He had 150 cherubs by 350 mamas; but there is no return of the 
 happy fathers. 
 
 ARTEMON, a collector of books, and writer on book-keeping: a 
 perfect master of the art, for he was never known to return one. 
 
 ASCLEPIADES, a physician who laid a wager that he should never 
 be sick: he is said to have won, as he died of a fall. Surely he fell 
 sick. 
 
AS 
 
 ASCALON, a town of Syria, famous for onions, and bowls with 
 
 Salad-in. 
 
 ASPASIA, a very charming person, engaged two-deep to two royal 
 brothers, with a skin like vermilion, and a priestess likewise. 
 
 ASPENDUS, a town of Paraphilia, the inhabitants of which sacri- 
 ficed swine to Venus, who hated pork, and pettishly afflicted them with 
 swine-pox. 
 
 ASTER, a first rate cock-robin of Amphipolis, who had a grudge 
 against Philip, and directed an arrow "to Philip's right eye." It arrived 
 at its destination, and ejected one of the imperial peepers; upon 
 which, the crack-archer archly cried "There he goes with his eye out!" 
 Philip sent back a promissory note (not at sight), engaging to hang 
 him before he could say his prayers. The Macedonian was very 
 punctual in these things, and promptly tucked up the bill, and Aster 
 at the end of it, on the nearest lamp-post. 
 
 ASTERIA, a mistress of Gyges, to whom Horace wrote three odes 
 to comfort her during her lover's absence: and so they didn't. 
 
 ASYCHIS, a king who made a law that whoever borrowed money 
 should deposit his father's body in the hands of the creditors, as a 
 pledge for payment: no stamps were resorted to, except the "governor" 
 got furious. 
 
 ATALANTA, a king's daughter, and a great runner: she challenged 
 all her admirers, and beat them in a canter. Hippomenes, however, 
 did the trick. He got up a selling stakes, bubbled, and beat her by 
 half a head: he then kissed the other half, anil claimed the winner. 
 
 ATE, a regular untied devil, who was drummed out of the "attic," 
 where she played mag's diversion, until Jupiter cut her nails and had 
 her head shaved. She flew to the court-barber for something equal 
 to her own locks; but when the professor shewed her a lady's "real" 
 head of hair, Ate threw herself into a towering passion, seized poor 
 Figaro by the throat, and actually had him hanged as a coiner, for 
 counterfeiting a crown-piece, and having several others of the same 
 dye in his possession. 
 
 ATHOS, a promontory of the iEgean sea that cast a shadow eight 
 leagues distance. Xerxes cut a trench, and conveyed his fleet by the 
 steam tug Eclipse over the mountain: the most remarkable instance 
 of conveyancing on record. 
 
 ATLANTIS, a celebrated unknown island, situated nowhere. 
 
 ATLAS, one of the Titans, and a tight 'un certainly, who behaved 
 scurvily to Perseus, and was changed into a mountain so large that he 
 was fabled to carry the world like a sack of shavings: nobody believed 
 it, and the story was traced to his love for astronomy. He is not to be 
 confounded with the curly-headed giant, who, doubtless from his love 
 of fish, is represented carrying a barrel of oysters on his shoulders, 
 and a vinegar-bottle in his button-hole. 
 
 -.'1 
 
AT 
 
 AU 
 
 ATROPOS, daughter of Nox, and one of the Parcse, who were said 
 to cut the thread of life with a pair of scissors, which they called 
 Nox's Evening Amusements. 
 
 ATTA, a dramatist, with long unhemmed ears and coffee-pot legs, 
 who had in early life shaved for a penny. He afterwards turned actor, 
 and got a better price for his soap. Some of his contemporaries 
 dignified him as the Atta-gull. 
 
 AUDERITES, or ABDEEITES, a people of Pseonia, driven out of 
 their country by rats. The invaders sketched a new city, but were 
 sniffed to death by the appearance of a most inodorous weed; and 
 rat's-bane, and the rat-a-plan, are the only vestiges that have reached 
 us concerning them. 
 
 AUGURES, prophets set up in business by Romulus and the 
 Roman people, who exercised their calling in a sort of college. The 
 augur was seated on a high stool, his nose due east, and with a 
 crooked crab or crayon marked out the heavens- into four parts : he 
 then sacrificed to the gods, and threw his coat-tails over his head. 
 The importance of the omen was regidated by the number of postage- 
 stamps sent in; comets, pigeon -trying, and the sacred chickens hatched 
 on the spot, taking precedence. If devotees applied in formA 
 pauperis, auguries were drawn from stumbling over a dead donkey, 
 spilling the salt, or sneezing at lunch, which were considered ex- 
 tremely clever, and extraordinarily cheap. 
 
 AURELIA, Julius Caesar's mother, and Juvenal's fishwoman. 
 
 AURORA, a married woman, but nothing particular in the home- 
 department, though the mother of some tip-top people, including the 
 winds, stars, <fcc. She was a great florist, and the earliest riser in the 
 east. She might be frequently seen opening the garden-gate in rose- 
 coloured kids, with a white veil and green watering-pot, sprinkling the 
 earth, and gracefully agitating her datfydowndillies. 
 
 AUTOLYCUS, one of the Argonauts, and a sheep-stealer. He 
 stole whole flocks, bit out the marks, and skinned them. Sisyphus, 
 however, marked his on the sole of the foot, and bothered Autolycus. 
 Sisyphus prided himself on being the sole lessee of the joke. 
 
 AUTONOE, a female servant of Penelope named Nance, familiarly 
 Nancy: she died, and had no followers. It is not generally known 
 that Nance is the Nancy Dawson, who, though divine, never got up 
 till the clock struck nine. When her mistress discharged her as a 
 sluggard, she sneeringly said she didn't know she was in an early 
 breakfast-house. 
 
li 
 
 1. 
 
 r*» 
 
 ABILTUS, a Roman, who, by means of a certain herb, is 
 said to have passed in six days from the Sicilian sea to 
 Alexandria. Succeeding ages solved the riddle to mean 
 marc-gold, i. e., he took a berth in the steerage of a 
 vessel bound to Alexandria, and paid half-a-sovereign 
 for bis passage. 
 
 BABILUS, an astrologer who discovered a hairy comet, and cau- 
 tioned Nero to look after the people about him. The tyrant, to appease 
 the token, sentenced them to lose their whiskers forthwith ; but the 
 comet making no move in the direction of shaving, to show that the 
 sacrifice was accepted, the emperor suggested hanging, Babilus con- 
 sented, and the omen was averted. 
 
 BABYLON, a city on the Euphrates, and capital of the Assyrian 
 empire. It was celebrated for its brazen gates, and inhabitants to 
 match. Cyrus drained the waters of the river, and put his troops to 
 hod in the channel without a chafing-dish ; many of them caught chalk- 
 gout, and took nothing for it but the city. Alexander died here: hut 
 the place became a wilderness. It possessed mines of iron, and the 
 ore of Babylon was considered very rich. 
 
 BABYLONII (Babylonians), famous for their knowledge of astro- 
 logy or starmongering, since confined to certain mummers, and some 
 Zadkiels on the treadmill. They invented quarter-day (bad bread to 
 them!) and the twelve signs, the origin of which has only in one 
 instance been satisfactorily explained. Two or three magi took a boat, 
 when the gentleman at the stroke-oar caught what is technically 
 called "a crab," and immortalized that most unsightly of fishes. 
 
 BACCHYLIDES, a lyric poet, named of Cos, as well as the lettuce, 
 both being natives of that place. This Imit, Bac. narrowly escaped the 
 tidy-basket: 
 
 '■ Let the Moslem tyrant rave, 
 Hellas he shall ne'er enslave : 
 Lion-hearts ! go forth and save 
 The brightest land of story ! 
 Wing the shaft from Pylos' steep, 
 Avenge the gallant hearts that sleep 
 Tn Navarino's subject deep, 
 
 For Freedom, Greece, and Glory ! 
 " Land of song and liberty, 
 Tyrants have no chains for thee ! 
 Boldly dare, and still be free, 
 
 Immortal sons of story ! 
 Europe's flower, and England's pride, 
 Boldly battle side by side : 
 Fame shall crown, and Heaven decide 
 For Freedom, Greece, ami Glory!" 
 
 t 
 
BACENTS, an ancient wood of Germany, ami had been so beyond 
 the recollection of the oldest woodcutter. 
 
 BACCHl'S, a son of Jupiter by Semele, behaved uncommonly ill 
 to his mother: the boy, a seven-months' child, was carried about in 
 his father's fob for a certain time, when he was christened Biniater, 
 the child of two mothers. Bacchus received a proper education some- 
 where; but nothing was heard of him until be put himself at the head 
 of an army of men and women, and made a "peace" progress through 
 the east, to the sound of cymbals, " Va ri e-tj !" and the gyrations of 
 all sorts of idiots, to whom their chief, and god. drawn by wild beasts, 
 had introduced a knowledge of the vine, and making honey. This 
 motley scene was but a link in the life of the jolly god. He is some- 
 times represented as a shickery young 'un, sometimes as a shakery 
 old 'un, to denote the consequences of intemperance. The magpie 
 was sacred to him, as drunken men always chatter. The festivals of 
 Bacchus were disgustingly obscene. He married Ariadne, and had a 
 large family. Pigs were sacrificed to him, symbolic of wine and — 
 swine. He was handsome, "ever fair and young," and the first 
 celestial that ever wore a crown, though he hadn't a decent coat to his 
 back. He was represented with horns, yet Ariadne was a well-con- 
 ducted young woman enough. Bacchus had no hand in reducing his 
 poor mother (she was burnt) to ashes, and her last shilling, though 
 he did'nt love her by a good deal. He wore the skin of a stag on state 
 occasions, and took charge of the pepper-box when he baited, which 
 is the very first glimpse we have of railway-seasoning. Men were at 
 one time sacrificed to him, but asses were afterwards thought more 
 appropriate. Toni-and-Jenyisih took its rise from Bacchus. Headed 
 by a set of raf. he used to run through the streets, regularly sprung, 
 crying "Evoe Evan! Evoe Bacche!" anglice, "Who's for Evans's, 
 and lots of Baccy!" His last schoolmistre swas changed into a star. 
 and called Starlight Bess. Having caught him over his seventh bottle, 
 she severely censured him, and filled the flask with water: he faintly 
 hiccupped "nego!" Bacchus never held up hi- In ad again; and from 
 that time wine-and-water has been called negus. 
 
 BACCHiE, priestesses of Bacchus, and the "weed" of the gent. 
 The Bacchse appeared at their feasts doing the Tarantula in flesh- 
 coloured habits that fitted them like eel-skins. 
 
 BACCHIUS and BITHUS, two boxers, of equal strength and age. 
 They could neither win, nor get up a cross, so they took a public- 
 house, left off boxing in the ring, and went on "boxing Harry" in the 
 little parlour. 
 
 BACCHANTES, priestesses of Bacchus, who at their orgies danced 
 like mad en chemise, and made dreadful noises with pipes, and other 
 musical (?) instruments. The people smoked the Bacchse pi] 
 never thought of calling the police. 
 
BACTRI, a piratical people, who gave their aged and diseased dead 
 to the dogs, and ultimately went to the dogs themselves, under the 
 distinguished patronage of Alexander the Great. 
 
 BACTRIANA, a country of Asia, of which Zoroaster was the first 
 king. He taught his subjects magic, and invented the novel feat of 
 thrusting an ox into an egg-shell, and roasting him with moonshine. 
 
 BADACA, a town of Media in Asia, and not in Media res. 
 
 BAGOPHANES, a governor of Babylon, whose wife, when Alex- 
 ander approached, garlanded the streets, and burned incense on the 
 altar : one of the earliest vagaries of the scarlet lady. 
 
 BAGOSAS, an ugly villain in the palace of Ochus, who did every- 
 thing in the most atrocious manner. He larrupped the Jews, and 
 ransacked their temples. He poisoned Ochus, made apple-scoops and 
 skewers of his bones, and ruined the court cat's-meat man by serving 
 up his victim to the royal pussies, and feeding them from one of the 
 identical skewers. The authorities do not go very strongly for the 
 apple-scoops, but admit that they might have been originally in- 
 tended for marrow-spoons, or the handles of bread-and-cheese knives. 
 
 BALE, a delightful city of Campania, the Balaam-hill of the Boman 
 senator, but ultimately swallowed up by Clapham-rise. 
 
 BALBARES, islanders in the Mediterranean, who required nothing 
 in going to war but women and wine, and charged to the chaunt of 
 "Believe me, there's nothing surpasses the joys of women and wine!" 
 A singular battle, where all were bottle-holders. 
 
 BALBINUS, a Roman who killed the Gordians, and seized the 
 purple: the fine linen escaped, for there was none in the chest. 
 
 BALBUS, a lawyer, and pupil of Scnevola: very clever, and nick- 
 named the Sevilaw. 
 
 BALIUS, a horse of Achilles, without the remarkable heel of his 
 master, as proved by the spur. 
 
 BALTIATUS (Lent.), a man who kept a house of call for prize- 
 fighters: they turned him out, and put up the sign of the Ring Doves. 
 
 BAPTJE, a comedy of Eupolis, in which men were introduced 
 dancing and going through the indecent gestures and motions of 
 common prostitutes. The race is not extinct. 
 
 BARBARI, " barbarians," a term applied to all nations except their 
 own by the Greeks and Romans. The Greeks now stand alone (a 
 loan), as the Romans have adopted the milder term of "heretic." 
 
 BARDI, the poets of ancient Gaul and Britain, usually represented 
 in remarkably long shirts, and carrying what they called a harp, formed 
 of a very plump-faced full-grown angel, but so thin that you might 
 see through her ribs. They were said to harp upon people's daughters, 
 but don't look at all suspicious. 
 
 25 
 
BARCHA, a Carthaginian family, and great green-bag men in then- 
 day. They kicked out the Reform Bill, put a Chubb-lock on the 
 national locker, and kept the key as a heir-loom. 
 
 BARIUM, a town of Apulia, since called Bari, from the first 
 baritone having sung there at a fish-dinner. 
 
 BARIUS, a stupid poet, who died, and left a large family! 
 
 BARRUS, a man whom Horace ridicules as being proud of his 
 beauty. He was a great charioteer, and called the Hansom cab-man. 
 
 BASILEA, the mother of all the gods, and the most extensive god- 
 mother in the world. 
 
 BASILIUS, an eloquent anti-Arian, who exclaimed " Any airs but 
 Arian's!" Hence Anythingarlans. 
 
 BASILUS, a bad writer and an insignificant lawyer, said to be 
 neither good in word nor deed. 
 
 BASS-<E, a place of Arcadia, where Apollo had a temple, with an 
 elegant contrivance to check the money-taker. 
 
 BASSAREUS, a surname of Bacchus, from the long over-vest, or 
 Bassaris, which the priests wore. 
 
 BASSUS (Auttdtus), a man spoken of by Horace as fond of women 
 and wine. Was this kind to kind? 
 
 BASSUS, a poet in Nero's age, accused of singing to his mother — 
 
 " 'Tis not that Nina's false, 
 
 'Tis not that she's unkind : 
 Though busy flatterers swarm around, 
 
 I know her constant mind ! 
 'Tis not her~eoldness, mother, 
 
 That chills my labouring breast- 
 But that infernal cucumber 
 
 I ate, and can't digest." 
 
 BATALUS, a name given to Demosthenes when young, for his 
 effeminacy. He coloured his nails, twisted his whiskers with hot 
 tobacco-pipes, and wore a tie that might be seen from the National 
 Gallery to the Horse Guards. 
 
 BATHOS, a river which ran into the mouth of the Alpheus, leaving 
 no possible room for complaint. — A word applied to dull and bom- 
 bastic writing. The later definition, "the art of sinking," is derived 
 from an author tying his book round his neck, and throwing himself 
 into this or some other river. 
 
 BATHYCLES, a water-doctor in Magnesia, and original proprietor 
 of the celebrated magnesia fluid. 
 
 BATTS, a eunuch, who was dragged round the city of Gaza tied to 
 Alexander's chariot, the conqueror shouting " Veluti in speculum!" 
 
 BATON, a man so named because he wrote on military affairs with 
 a great command of words. 
 
 2G 
 

 B A 
 
 BATRACHOMYOMACHIA [Gr. Vul. croak and squeak,] a poem 
 attributed to Homer entitled the Battle of the Frogs and Mice. The 
 combatants fought respectively under the banner of a billycock-hat 
 and the improved cheese-toaster. 
 
 BATTIUS, a shepherd of Pylos, who broke faith with Mercury, 
 and was changed into a pumice-stone : significantly employed in the 
 preparation of skins for legal writings, the skins being found by pur- 
 suers, and the pumice put into the bill. 
 
 BATTUS built the town of Cyrene, and received the name of Battus, 
 and divine honours, because he stuttered. 
 
 BATYLLUS, a dancer, and the first shuffle of his academy. Do- 
 mitian, however, beat him at the double-shuffle, for he stopped the poor 
 fellow's salary; and when Batyllus piteously lamented his inability to 
 dance upon nothing, the emperor placed him against a wall, and 
 saying "there is a partner for you," insisted on the artist dancing to 
 his shadow, and intoning the grace after meat. 
 
 BAUBO, the woman who gave Ceres a drop of "summut" white, 
 said to be water, whilst she was seeking her lost daughter. Baubo 
 afterwards married the bellman, and went through an extraordinary 
 series of comforts. 
 
 BAUCIS, an old woman who, with her jo, had the luck to house 
 Jupiter and Mercury whilst hunting turtle. In the morning they 
 called for soap and towel, and having washed, liberally paid the bill by 
 turning the cottage into a temple. The truant gods gave the happy 
 couple a " term of lives," determinable at the same hour, when they 
 were changed into poplar-trees, and served as door-posts for the afore- 
 said temple. 
 
 BELESIS, a priest, who told Arbaces he would reign one day in the 
 place of Sardanapalus. He told the truth, and was rewarded with the 
 government of Babylon. The article must have been rather scarce in 
 that model-city. 
 
 BELLEROPHON, a king's son, who murdered his brother Beller, 
 and was left to bellow for life. A lady fell in love with him, but he 
 didn't care to have her; so she asked her father to give him a sort of 
 pigeon's-milk letter to somebody, but the old gentleman merely 
 sent him against the chimrera, a horrible monster. He met the fright, 
 accomplished its ruin, and a thousand other impossible things, by 
 means of Minerva, and a flying horse. Taking a tremendous leap, a 
 ivapser stung the animal, which dropped him over his tail. He got up, 
 and got married ; but never got over that. 
 
 BELLIEXUS, a Roman whose house was fired at the burial of 
 Caesar, because, it was alleged, he had written some extravagant 
 eulogiums on the deceased, and thereby furnished les plumes, or the 
 funeral-feathers. 
 
 27 
 
BELLONA, the goddess of war, with 3000 priests, who used to 
 Weed themselves (?) for sacrifice. She was called Duellona, because 
 she fought the first duel, brought down her man, and married him. 
 Bellona got Mars's sulky ready when he went to war; and, letting down 
 her hair, had a comfortable ingo at whip-top whilst the greenhorns 
 were chopping one another into mince-meat. She died, and left her 
 whip to posterity! 
 
 BELUS, of Babylon, a god, had one of the most magnificent tem- 
 ples in the world, with a statue of gold forty feet high. Xerxes broke 
 into and plundered it, but was never indicted for the burglary. There 
 was a large spare bed at the top of the highest tower, and a beautiful 
 lady concealed, but nobody knew where. His godship, however, fre- 
 quently dropped in (down?) making the tender enquiry; and the 
 priests were in the habit of designating it the bed of (where?) War.-; 
 though the housemaid impudently insinuated that she knew a mortal 
 woman when she saw one, and it ought to be called the bed of 
 earthen-ware. 
 
 BELISAEIUS, a famous and not at all fat general, who fought 
 nobly for his country, and was rewarded with ingratitude and neglect. 
 He never went about begging, with a long stick and a little dog; and 
 the writer on Pendulous Abdomen ought to be ashamed of himself, as 
 there was nothing at all about the old warrior to warrant the epithet of 
 Belly-serious. 
 
 BEPOLITAMUS, a nice clean young man sentenced to the axe, 
 who appeared on the scaffold"" in a waistcoat white as snow. The 
 headsman had a heart, and fairly wept that the deed of blood should 
 be written on a thing so spotless. The victim handed him a slip of 
 paper: — it was a parting token, a souvenir, a dear little fiver per- 
 chance ! The executioner hung his head, tucked up his sleeves, and 
 sighed. One moment, and a shout of "reprieve!" is heard: — the 
 mystery is revealed — it was last week's washing-bill. A valuable life 
 was thus spared; so far valuable, at least, as giving the fortunate youth 
 an opportunity of settling accounts with his laundress. 
 
 BERENICE, the name of several women illustrious for their nega- 
 tive \ivtues — a very questionable set, the best of them baring married 
 her brother, and vowed the hair of her head to Venus, if her mari 
 returned victorious. The youth returned, but the locks disappeared, 
 Jupiter having worked them up into a constellation. Hairy comets 
 had been heard of, but hairy constellations never. 
 
 BESSUS, after the battle of Arbela, seized Darius, and put him to 
 death. He at length fell into the hands of Darius's brother, who cut 
 his hair very short, cropped his ears, and gave him to the soldiers 
 for a cock-shy. 
 
BIAS, one of the seven wise men of Greece, who died in the arms 
 of his grandmother. In his last moments she requested a favour, and 
 he made her a present of a clean copy of the Game of Bowls, saying 
 " In every game of life, hefore you play, look to your bias." 
 
 BITHYJi, a race of women whose eyes killed those who gazed upon 
 them for some time. The victims must have been very idle people, 
 and certainly in a state of pupilage. 
 
 BLEMMYES, a people without heads, but with eyes and mouth 
 in their breast. Alas, for the fiddler and perruquier. What were sweet 
 sounds, diamonds, or dress-boxes, to these poor trunks ! Yet, in all their 
 difficulties, the ordinary ablutions of the toilette would enable them in 
 the main to make a clean breast of it. 
 
 BOADICEA, a British queen, who poisoned herself rather than fall 
 into the hands of the Romans. 
 
 BOZTUS, a silly bard, who wrote a poem on the battle of Philippi, 
 and introduced the ghost of Csesar, with a lantern and pole, looking 
 for the dead body of Brutus. 
 
 BGZOTIA, a country of Greece with half-a-dozen names, the in- 
 habitants of which were a pig-headed set, though they claimed Pindar 
 and Plutarch as countrymen. The Muses frequently retired to the 
 fountains of Helicon, and Pindar is thought to have joined their 
 tea-and-pianos. 
 
 BOII, a people of Gaul, who migrated, and made a run on the banks 
 of the Po. 
 
 BOLINA, a virgin of Achai, who threw herself into the sea to avoid 
 the importunities of Apollo. The god, who could have made her what 
 he pleased, merely made her immortal, and the thing was hushed up. 
 
 BOLUS, a king of the Cimbri, who killed a Roman ambassador, 
 and was placed in the Pharmacopoeia. 
 
 BOMILCAR, a Carthaginian general, accused of conspiracy, and 
 hung in the forum over the speaker's chair. His friends frequently 
 apostrophized the suspended preparation, averring that Bomilcar would 
 one day be avenged, and attributed the passing of the Anatomy Bill to 
 the absurd belief that the skeleton waved his hand on the third 
 reading. The senatorial phrases " waiving the question," and " silent 
 vote," would seem to have originated in this fable. 
 
 BOMONICzE, youths who were whipped at a certain festival. Those 
 who took the greatest number of stripes and laughed, got prizes, and 
 were handicapped for the highest honour, the silver whip, challenged 
 for to this day at Newmarket. 
 
 BONA DEA, a very chaste goddess with the awkward name of 
 Ops, which perhaps induced her to change it; she did so pro forma by 
 marrying, and never saw any other man but her husband during her 
 wifehood. B. D. had a very good sculpture-gallery, but at her soirees 
 carefully sacquecl the gouts homo. 
 
B O 42H» B u 
 
 BOOTES, a constellation, but nobody knows anything about him. 
 Some say he got the situation by playing Captain Arm-strong for a 
 great personage at the Hippodrome, who facetiously called him jockey- 
 Hoots.; whilst others designate him hunting-Boots, from having got 
 glorious at a Fox-club : so they called the inn-porter with a wooden leg 
 ^e<7-Boots. 
 
 BOOTUS, a son of Neptune, exposed by his mother, but preserved 
 by some good shepherds, who apprenticed him to a bootmaker. He 
 began business near Shepherd's Bush, and became the Kick of his 
 olympiad. 
 
 BORGES, a Persian who burnt himself, well knowing that he was 
 not fire-proof. A jury sat on the cinders, and returned a verdict that 
 they were not worth sifting. 
 
 BORYSTHENES, Adrian's hunter, who died, and was honoured 
 with a monument, known as the Emperor's ears! 
 
 BBANCHUS, a dream-boy of Miletus, who gave oracles that vied 
 with Delphi. Xerxes set fire to the temple, and pan away with the till. 
 Branchus opened a Delphi concern of his own. 
 
 BRAURON, in Attica, where Diana had a temple. At the festivals 
 they killed a goat and sung a hymn. The young ladies wore yellow 
 frocks and drawers rather full. They were sometimes called bears, 
 from a brute of that family having hugged a neat little priestess to 
 death, because she only just "tickled" him. The statue of the god- 
 dess was carried off by Xerxes; and as everything else was consecrated 
 to Diana, the conqueror thought he might as well consecrate this to 
 his father's brother, who took great interest in these affairs. 
 
 BRITANNIA, the name of an island, and a handsome young woman, 
 who sits upon a sack of something, with a wand in one hand, and a 
 sprig of rue in the other. She is without shoes or stockings, and lias 
 at her side a curiously-shaped water-dish, and a very grandmotherly- 
 looking lion, somewhat out of condition, and several of his front teeth 
 gone. The lady and the Hon are said to rule the waves; but many 
 assert that the lion has very little to do with it, and that the ruling is 
 sent to a machine establishment in the neighbourhood, devoted to this 
 especial purpose. 
 
 BRIZO, the goddess of dreams, worshipped in Delos, and the 
 Seven Dials. 
 
 BRUTUS (L. J.), a capital actor, who played the fool in the tragedy 
 of Lucretia, and ousted the Tarquins: his sons having conspired to 
 bring back the monarch, he sat in judgment on them, and witnessed 
 their execution. He engaged with Aruns, and they pierced each other 
 fatally at the same moment. Brutus always went for the extreme 
 point, and he got it. 
 
 BULBUS, a Roman senator, remarkable for his meanness, and the 
 vast number of his imitators. 
 
BUCOLICA, a poem relating to flocks (sheep or geese?), invented by 
 a shepherd of Sicily, and afterwards of the Shepherd and Shepherdess- 
 fields. 
 
 BUPHAGUS, a surname given to Hercules for his gluttony at a 
 turtle-house, since called the Hercules. 
 
 BUPHONIA, an ox-roasting at Athens, where Jupiter carried off 
 the ribs — of several of the bystanders. 
 
 BUSA, a canny lass who entertained 1000 Eomans after the battle 
 of Cannse. Val. Max. 4, alludes to the value of the max imbibed. 
 
 BYBACULUS, an epigrammist in the age of Cicero, whose poems 
 are supposed to be lost, though many translated fragments have been 
 attributed to him. He is the same with Bibacidus mentioned by 
 Quintilian, whose authority is sufficient answer to cuckoo-notes : 
 
 Consummate mould of grace and feature, 
 Paradised in Milton's metre, 
 Eve ! — Creation's master-creature ! 
 
 What things we read about ye, 
 
 Life had been death without ye, — 
 
 And yet the Fathers flout ye, 
 That at thy bridal-feast 
 In goodly seeming sat the serpent-beast — 
 
 With deadliest craft endowed 
 
 To win thee ere he vowed, 
 And with eternal bitter dash thy cup of bliss! — 
 
 Whene'er you kiss, 
 Improve the warning-echo — hiss ! 
 
 BYZIA, a town in possession of the kings of Thrace, and hated by 
 the swallows, on account of the alarming penchant of the inhabitants 
 for swallow -puddings. 
 
 BUZYGrES, an Athenian, who first ploughed with oxen. Demophoon 
 gave him the sacred palladium to carry to Athens, which he cheerfully 
 did, without a knot. 
 
 BYRSA, a citadel built by Dido at a very low figure. She purchased 
 as much land as could be covered by a bull's hide, and then cut the 
 hide into small thongs, by which she nibbled a capital estate, and 
 became ground-landlady for life. Mrs. D. got the whip-hand of the 
 natives. 
 
 31 
 
c. 
 
 ABIRI, an uncertain number of certain deities practising 
 in Greece, and attributed to tbe paternity of Vulcan. 
 All the heroes and princes were initiated, and furnished 
 with a child's caul, as then* delegated power over 
 shipwrecks and storms was very great. There must 
 have been some fun about the tiring, for Cambyses actually laughed at 
 their mysteries. They were supposed to preside over metals, and had 
 a power of tin. 
 
 CAANTHUS was ordered by his father to bring back his sister 
 Malia, Apollo having hopped off with the little bridling. C. couldn't 
 find the traitor, but burnt his villa. Apollo soon " cooked " Caanthus, 
 and wrote his epitaph by the embers. 
 
 CABALINUS, a fountain of Helicon, called^also Hippocrene, from 
 Pegasus having kicked over the bucket whilst the groom was preparing 
 to water him. 
 
 CABIRA, a wife of Vulcan, by whom she had three sons — Smith, 
 Jones, and Eobinson. 
 
 CABURA, a fountain of Mesopotamia where Juno bathed: the pet 
 peacock took a cheap duck round the corner. 
 
 CACUS, a three-headed thief, who lived in a cave built of human 
 bones, and vomited fire and smoke. He fell into the hands of Her- 
 cules, and never vomited anything of the sort afterwards. The au- 
 thorities pulled down the building, and made no bones of it. 
 
 CADMUS was sent by his father to bring back his sister Europa, 
 who had eloped with Jupiter. He was told by the oracle to stop at 
 a field where he saw a young heifer feeding in the grass; he did so, 
 and found inscribed on a golden collar round its neck "veal-stuffing!" 
 He coiddn't make it out; but thought he should propitiate the gods by 
 slaving the animal, and offering the veal at least as a meat-offering, 
 leaving the "stuffing" as a moot-question. He sent out for some- 
 thing to drink, but his men were attacked by a dragon, which Cadmus 
 slew, and sowed his teeth in the ground, from which sprang an army 
 of warriors. He tlirew a stone at the officer in command: they in- 
 stantly turned upon one another, and the entire lot perished, except 
 two or three bricklayer's labourers, who assisted him to build a city. 
 This is explained as a mere romance of May's-buildings. Cadmus 
 had a tooth taken out, but the fellow broke it in two, and threw the 
 stump on the ground, when Cadmus sprang up and floored the dentist. 
 He afterwards married a daughter of Venus, who presented him with 
 five fine children, and an illustrated horn-book, in return for having 
 loved her dearly, and invented the a, b, c. 
 
C A 
 
 CADUCEUS, the rod of Mercury, tipped with serpents, with which 
 he conducted the souls of the dead to the dark regions. The tipping 
 was indicative of the power he possessed of giving return-tickets. 
 
 C^ECILIUS, a schoolmaster at Rome who taught reading to Virgil. 
 The ernhryo bard punned on his reading made easy, calling it reading 
 made wneasy, and for which he knapped the ferula -.—piquante for 
 Reading-sauce. 
 
 CJ3CULUS, a miraculous conception, by a spark of fire falling on 
 his mother's bosom from Vulcan's anvil whilst he was forging the 
 holts of Jove, and working over-time. He was a great blackguard 
 with very small eyes, and one of the earliest promoters of building 
 and loan societies. 
 
 CL-ELIUS (Tubeeo), a man who came to life after he had been 
 carried to the funeral-pile, and before he breathed his last. 
 
 C/ENIS, a Thessalian woman, who, having offended Jupiter, was 
 overwhelmed with a huge pile of wood, and changed into a wood-lark. 
 
 (LERE, a city of Etruria, the people of which received the Romans 
 hospitably when they fled with the fire of Vesta from the Gauls. The 
 hand-in-hand was the only insurance-office then in existence. 
 
 CiESAR, an immense card in his day, being priest, patriot, orator, 
 senator, author, hero, and emperor — to boot, for booted he never was. 
 No ! the towering genius of Rome never achieved the high-low ; and 
 Caesar actually lived and died in his shoes. Hoby triumphed over the 
 conqueror of 300 nations. He who had been marching and hiding all 
 his life, at length fell in the ides of March; and all because he had 
 snubbed his wife, and seventeen saviours of their country. His last 
 words were Tu qunque Brute, supposed to allude to some one who had 
 stolen a thumb-ring from his dressing-table. 
 
 CiESAR (Augustus Octavianus), second emperor of Rome, nephew 
 of Caesar, and a very instructive sample of nepotism. One of his 
 first acts was a proscription, in which Cicero fell a victim. He then 
 included Antony in a triumvirate, and gained the battle of Philippi 
 mainly through his generalship. Brutus fell, and his head was tin-own 
 at the feet of Caesar's statue; the soldiers were rewarded with the 
 spoils, and Virgil had a narrow squeak for his cabbage-garden. The 
 conqueror led Antony into a political marriage with his sister; — Cleopatra 
 appeared, and the game was up. Antony was defeated at Actium, and 
 driven to suicide. Augustus, being at peace with all the world, shut 
 the gates of Janus, the year of the advent of Christ! He enacted 
 many good laws in the spirit of better days. The Romans called 
 him Augustus, and Maro immortalized him as Mneas. He was a very 
 good-looking fellow, had three queer wives, and a thorough knowledge 
 of Greek. He claimed relationship to Apollo. With the simulated 
 curls and brow of that god, he was pleased when people looked under 
 then- hats at him; and hence the court face-makers painted him very 
 like the badge of the sun fire-office. 
 
CM 
 
 I ESAE (Q.), brother of the orator Tully, hut no relation to the i 
 " fat fiddler," in Orat. de Cain. { 
 
 C^SAEION, Cleopatra's heautiful hoy by the Ca>sar. Augustus put • 
 him to death in his best tunic. ' 
 
 CAIUS and CAIA, a name common to both sexes at Rome. C. de- 
 noted the man's name, and reversed 0. the woman's. After marriage 
 they signed CO. and called it seeing double, or frequently multiplying 
 the venialities of wedlock by seize (6). 
 
 CALANUS, a gymnosophist in the retinue of Alexander, who fell 
 sick, dressed himself like a May-day sweep, and did the suttee business, 
 in the 83d year of his age. Alexander stared, and asked him if he 
 bad anything to say before he went. " Not at present," said Calanus, 
 " but I shall see you again in three months." This was the length of 
 Alexander's tether. 
 
 CALCHAS, a first-rate soothsayer, who foretold all and everything 
 respecting the Trojan war. He was however tripped up in his nume- 
 ration-table, though a top divinity-man. Mopsius challenged him to 
 ; count the fruit on a fig-tree, and broke his heart. 
 
 CALEDONIA, the Britannia Barbara of the Classics. The inhabi- 
 tants being fine stalwart fellows with red hair, they never attempted to 
 Romanize them. 
 | CALIGULA, an emperor, and only remarkable for his atrocities, and 
 
 wearing steel stockings (caliga) on parade. He started as a reformer, 
 and graduated in a tyrant and a murderer.. He proclaimed himself a 
 god, and made his horse high-priest of the temple, which he adorned 
 with pearls. Caligula was killed by a serving man near- his own pantry, 
 and ended his career in the melancholy vicinage of very queer scran 
 and the cold shoulder. 
 
 CALLIAS, a Greek poet, who cut the Nine, and took a rope- walk: 
 he got on by going backwards, and contrived to twist his hues into 
 three meals a-week. 
 
 CALLICRATES, an extraordinary artist in ivory, said to have en- 
 graved Homer's verses on a millet-seed, and the 51st chapter of 
 Jeremiah on a cherry-stone. 
 
 CALLIMACHUS, an Athenian general killed at the battle of Mara- 
 thon. Under similar circumstances men are said to fall in battle, but 
 Callimachus's body continued erect; and even in death he might be 
 pronounced a surprisingly upright man. 
 
 CALLIMELES, a youth ordered to he killed and served as meat by 
 Apollodorus of Cassandrea. The attendants cooked a dummy of wood ; 
 but the epicure ordered it away, observing that he had no idea roasted 
 boys were such tough eating. 
 
 CALLIPHRON, a celebrated dancing-master, who had Epaminondas 
 for his pupil, and Nero for his first fiddle. 
 
 34 
 
CALLISTEA, a festival at Lesbos, where the finest woman gained a 
 prize. The Elians had a Handsome Jack match. 
 
 CALLISTO, one of Diana's lady's-maids, was wronged by Jupiter, 
 and Diana found it out; though the little Areas became one of the 
 children in the wood, a popular orphan-asylum at that time. Juno, on 
 hearing the story, changed Callisto into a bear, but the "good father" 
 placed her and the cub in the zodiac, to save her from the bruin-slayers. 
 Areas is the lively young bear so emphatically alluded to in the unctuous 
 literature of Monkeydom. 
 
 ( ALLIXENA, a gay lady recommended to Alexander by his mother. 
 The prince said "No, no!" the lady "So, so!" the courtiers "Oh, 
 oh ! " and ma " Poh, poh ! " 
 
 CALPHUENIA, Julius Caesar's fourth wife, who dreamed they had 
 a great storm of wind, and that a pantile fell on the head of her 
 husband, and killed him. Caesar laughed at the idea of pantiling an 
 emperor; but very soon laughed on the other side of his mouth. The 
 lady told her history to Antony; and, though no chicken, lie took her 
 under his wing. She had happy dreams during the protectorate. 
 
 CALYPSO, daughter of Atlas, or somebody else, a goddess of silence, 
 (ask Ulysses! ), and said to have reigned over the island of Ogga, cer- 
 tainly not on it, for the name plainly infers that there never was 
 such a place. When shipwTe'cked here or hereabouts, Calypso ofl'ered 
 i'lysses her hand, and he wouldn't have it. She then made another 
 offer, with immortality; but, though he staid with her seven years, she 
 was inconsolable, and had two hog-maned boys with names almost as 
 oggish as that of their birth-place. She originated what poets call silent 
 kisses, amplified in "never kiss and tell." The various allusions to 
 the Bow of Ulysses are so many parodies of the fact, simply the 
 graceful way in which he took leave of Calypso, and the theme of great 
 praise; yet, after all, nothing more perhaps than the bow of Beau 
 Nash, or any other beau of his build. Still, had Beau Brummell 
 attempted it, he certainly woiild have added to his " failures," if not in 
 muslin, at least in leg-making: a perfect neck-romancer in his way, this 
 was beyond his skill. 
 
 CAMARINA, a lake of Sicily, said to have been drained contrary to 
 the advice of Apollo, and produced a pestilence. A complaint was 
 made against the sanitary commission; but the committee, proving 
 that the lake never could be drained, as it was below the level of the 
 sea, put on their draining-tiles, and left the room in disgust. 
 
 CAMBYSES conquered Egypt, and died of a pricked finger. He 
 peeled a partial judge, and covered the woolsack with his skin, telling 
 the son to jump up, and recollect that he had a cuticle, if not a cha- 
 racter, to lose. 
 
I 
 
 C A « A 
 
 CAMILLA, a very fast young lady, so light that she could skim a 
 field of corn without a skimmer, and walk out to sea without getting 
 wet-footed. She must have riddled the tide, up to that time consi- 
 dered rather a ridiculous attempt. 
 
 CAMILLUS (L. Fubus), a celebrated Roman, banished, and re- 
 called to save his country, which he did, by dislodging Brennus from 
 possession of the capital. The story of geese having anything to do 
 with it is satisfactorily explained. It was gander-month with Camillas, 
 and he disturbed a roost of these interesting creatures whilst ringing 
 the area-bell at two in the morning. 
 
 CAMPASPE, a beautiful courtezan, given by Alexander to Apelles, 
 who had fallen in love with her. The painter immortalized her in his 
 Venus Anadyomene. She was military, and a little waspish. 
 
 CAMPE, an extraordinary she-jailor, who kept a force of 100-handed 
 monsters confined in Tartarus. Jupiter killed her because she refused 
 to let her men fight with the Titans, fearing they might catch the 
 uglies. 
 
 CAMPE S, a prince of Lydia, who ate his own wife from excess of 
 affection. Hence the endearing expression of lovers " Oh, I could 
 eat you up!" — but they never do. 
 
 CANAEH, a people inhabiting an island near Mount Atlas, who \ 
 dined with their dogs, and spoke dog-latin in its greatest purity. 
 
 CANATHUS, a fountain at which Juno yearly washed to recover her 
 infancy. On the triennial washing-day she lost her rouge-pot, and 
 gave it up. 
 
 CAXDEI, a people of Arabia, who fed on serpents, and were regu- 
 larly employed to hiss uninitiated authors from the stage. 
 
 CANINIUS (Babilus), consul of Borne, commended by Cicero for 
 his vigilance, he never baring slept during his consulship, which lasted 
 nearly seven hours. 
 
 ( AXTABRLE (Lacus), a lake in Spain where a thunderbolt fell, in 
 which twelve axes were found, and an answer to the question "where 
 could they come from?" which ran "ax about!" It was further 
 stated that this ax made thirteen, in case a baker should bid for 
 the bargain. 
 
 CANUS, a poet, so merry that he laughed even in his sleep. He 
 died of chin-cough, produced by a fit of risibility on seeing himself 
 prodigally soaped for an easy shave. 
 
 CAPENA, a gate of Borne called the Flaminian-gate, all official 
 flams being dated therefrom. 8 | g 
 
 CAPRICORNUS, a sign of the zodiac, St. Thomas, and receipt- \\L 
 stamps. 
 
 CAPBIFICTALIS, a day sacred to Vulcan, on which the Athenians 
 
 offered him money — and he took it. 
 
C A 
 
 T 
 
 III 
 
 CARIN^E, houses in Rome built in the form of a ship. Pornpey lived 
 in one of them, and described himself as of Ship-street. The term 
 " ship-shape," is perhaps derivable from this circumstance. 
 
 CARMIDES, a Greek of uncommon memory: he never forgot his 
 debts, and always remembered never to pay them. 
 
 CARNA, a goddess who presided over the exterior of houses, and 
 the removal of all noxious things. She made a dead set at bird-bottles, 
 pigeon-traps, and serial broomsticks for bleaching the family linen. 
 Carna ordered a return of superannuated spouts and fictitious gullyholes, 
 including ticket-shops and tailor's dummies. Other unmistakable 
 "signs" of the times she demolished in limine. lungs' and queens' 
 heads were declared to be unsightly ; princes of all ages, obstruc- 
 tive; heroes, obsolete; philosophers, cracked; statesmen unsafe; poets, 
 top-heavy; actors, uncalled for; and painters, badly hung: — whilst 
 Noah, witli all his arks, and scores of Nelsons and Wellingtons, 
 together with king's, watermen's, and goldbeater's arms, were un- 
 blushingly sent to the green-yard. 
 
 CARPOPHORUS, an actor greatly esteemed by Domitian for his 
 ugliness, which he enumerated amongst his natural gifts. 
 
 CARTHAGE, a famous city of Africa, built by Dido, and destroyed 
 by the Romans. They set Carthage in flames, and it burnt longer than 
 the great fire at Ratcliffe. It fell into the hands of the Vandals, but 
 they couldn't hold it, and let it go — to destruction. The only relique 
 of the renowned theatre of Annibal's glory is said to be in Stepney 
 church-yard — a crumbling block of stone or Bath brick inserted in the 
 eastern wall of the church! 
 
 CARVILIUS, a king of Britain, who attacked Caesar's naval station, 
 and cut out his dingy. 
 
 CARYUM, a place of Laconia, where Aristomenes preserved some 
 virgins ; but the receipt is lost. 
 
 CASCA, one of Caesar's assassins, Avho gave the first blow, and called 
 for " sticking-plaister ;" — the pass-word for " give him another ! " 
 
 CASSANDRA, a prophetess and a pet of Apollo, but she flouted him. 
 The god resolving to be revenged by wheedling the inspiration out of 
 her, took her aside, and " kissed it away in a minute." Most of her 
 predictions, however, were fulfilled, especially the murder of Agamem- 
 non by Clytemnestra, and her own exit, for she actually went off in 
 full dress, and forgot her diamonds. 
 
 CASSIOPE, the mother of Andromeda, who offended Neptune by 
 saying she was handsomer than his Nereides : the fishy god sentenced 
 Andromeda to be eaten by a monster; but Perseus wouldn't stand it, 
 and "delivered her" at her own door free of any expense. Cassiope, 
 though a married woman, was made a constellation. 
 
 CASTABALA, a city of Cilieia whose inhabitants made war with 
 their dogs. The cats had come in, and were living happily under a 
 concordat. 
 
C A 
 
 C LSSIUS (C.) occupies a red-letter day in the calendar of sinners. 
 He let the daylight through Caesar's under-waistcoat, but got his 
 "regulars" at Philippi. Supping with Antony the night after the 
 murder of Ca;sar, he placed a fruit-knife amongst the almonds and 
 raisins, saying "I brought this to complete your desert, should you 
 ever aspire to tyranny." 
 
 CASTOR and POLLUX, very singular twin-brothers, who got mixed 
 up with immortality in an irregular manner. They each killed his 
 man, and went above, or below, in turn, six months and six months. 
 They died seven or eight times a week ; but one fine morning both of 
 them forgetting to get up again, were made constellations, and called 
 Gemini. On hearing then- strange and melancholy adventures, " Ge- 
 mini, cry!" was the usual exclamation; and which survives them. 
 
 CATAMUS, a son of Menander, very critical, and tenderly attached 
 to Carpo ! 
 
 CATILINE, a great name amongst conspn-ators, who was tripped up 
 by Cicero. He died fighting in the sloppy-moppy month of December. 
 Catiline played Guy Faux very clumsily, and was almost as great a 
 bore as the gawk in the capacious breeches and sugar-loaf hat. 
 
 CATO, called the Censor, was the beau ideal, or rather, the real beau 
 of Roman excellence. He was a water-drinker; and so kind to his 
 servants that he never rebuked them: even when the cook burnt his 
 little bit of meat to a cinder, he praised her candour for confessing that 
 she couldn't abear her mutton underdone. Cato thought the fine aits 
 a great deal too "fine," and infected with Grecian luxury: he was 
 no great friend to matrimony, and of all unions he deprecated those of 
 art. When his son had got through syntax he taught him to swim, 
 and put him into the army. He died repentant for baring told his 
 wife a secret. — Cato's grandson (of Utica), was first-rate in his way: he 
 bore heat and cold, and a good character. He opposed Caesar; and, to 
 escape falling into his hands, read Plato, and stabbed himself, having 
 previously pawned his wife, and put on decent mourning. 
 
 CATULLUS, an elegant kuife-and-fork and satirical poet, who 
 attacked Caesar and his sirloin with equal success. Catullus frequently 
 dined with the conqueror, who wittily characterized his conversation 
 as grace after meat. 
 
 CECROPS, the founder of Athens, and one of the earliest colonists. 
 He made deities and marriage-acts, and was described as a monster, 
 for one or other of these vagaries. 
 
 CERBERUS, an ugly dog, with the appointment of hall-porter to 
 the dark hole. He had 100 eyes, in order that he might keep a good 
 look-out for the sticks and umbrellas. 
 
 CELEUS, a king of Eleusis, whose son was taught agriculture by 
 Ceres. He was a model-farmer, a free-trader, and the first man who 
 acted on the famous canon, "to buy in the cheapest, and sell in 
 the dearest market," Celeus never paid for his purchases, and all he 
 sold was clear profit. 
 
 38 
 
CE 
 
 CENTAURS, a people fabled to walk on the legs of horses, but 
 really a set of sharping nag-dealers. One of them sold Hercules a 
 roarer, and he sent them all to grass for the term of their natural lives. 
 They had previously behaved very ill at a marriage-feast, getting drunk, 
 and annoying the ladies. Hercules defended the softer sex, gave them 
 battle, and demolished the crew; though his old schoolmaster, Chiron, 
 got his mittimus in the fray. Pliny saw one of these fellows embalmed 
 in honey, which seems to bear out the author of " The Centaur not 
 Fabulous." 
 
 CEPHALUS was the son of a king, and married to Procris, the 
 daughter of a queen. Aurora ran away with him, but he ran back again. 
 Aurora then disguised him as a merchant, and Procris was blinded by 
 his gold-dust. Procris blushed, and took to the woods, where Diana 
 presented her with an unerring dart. In order to obtain this dart 
 Cephalus received Procris, and loved her better than ever. He went 
 hunting, was fatigued, and wooed the breeze as Aura. Procris followed 
 to listen, and, hearing the name of her supposed rival, started. Ce- 
 phalus started too; and, fearing wild beasts, let fly the fatal dart, and 
 Procris caught it. Cephalus was not, as is pretended, the inventor 
 of the Cephalic snuff. 
 
 CHARMIONE, a servant-maid of Cleopatra, and a romanticist, who, 
 like mistress like maid, killed herself, stoically maintaining that the 
 cmeen could do no wrong. Charmione ran the travestie pretty close, 
 for she wrenched the hasp off the kitchen-door, and breathed a vein in 
 the most approved manner. 
 
 CHELJE, a Greek word signifying claics, which is applied to scor- 
 pions, mahogany-tables, and the hen-pecked. 
 
 CHELONOPHAGT, a people of Carmania, who lived upon turtle, 
 roofed their houses with the shells, and wore shell-jackets. 
 
 CHEOPS, a builder of pyramids, who fed 10,000 workmen upon 
 leeks. The greatest leek-swallower on record won't swallow that. 
 
 CHTLO, a philosopher whose maxim was " Know thyself!" devoutly 
 felt and observed by thousands, who seem to know nothing else. 
 
 CHLOE, a surname of Ceres at Athens; and a "divine creature," 
 under the dynasty of bag-wigs and satin-breeches. 
 
 CHRYSOGONUS, a celebrated singer, who gave Domitian the hor- 
 rors in " Down among the Dead Men ! " 
 
 CHTHONIA, the name of a festival of Diana, at which young 
 heifers were killed by old women armed with scythes; but it was ob- 
 served that the victims always fell on the same side — over the left. 
 
 CHTHONIUS, one of the soldiers that sprung from the dragon's 
 teeth sown by Cadmus: a jaw-tooth, for he was an incessant talker. 
 
 CIMBRI, a people that invaded the Roman territories, and engaged 
 so desperately that they tied the first and second ranks together with 
 cords. This is what is meant by troops being drawn up in line. 
 
CO 
 
 CICERO, a descendant of the Sabines, and believed to be the son of 
 his mother by a Roman knight. He was the prince of orators, an elegant 
 scholar, but a very dicky statesman. He did not think Antony a good 
 fellow; and Antony got him proscribed, and murdered en lit. Some 
 rascals cut off his head; and the gentle Fulvia pierced his tongue 
 several times with a bodkin, because he had said women were the most 
 revengeful of animals. Cicero had a son, who was co-consul with 
 Augustus, and a regular Mohawk. He beat Antony at the brandy- 
 bottle, and contested his title to the surname of Soter. 
 
 CILO (Jun.), a good-for-nothing governor of Bythinia and Pontus, 
 and younger brother of Cilo, sen. 
 
 CIPPUS, a noble Roman, who, rather than reign, banished himself, 
 and retired to live on a single acre; which, having attained a great 
 age, he called Long Acre. 
 
 CLEON, a tanner and an Athenian general, who, contrary to a great 
 authority, did not last half the time allotted to the descendants of 
 Simon Peter. * 
 
 CLEOMBROTUS, a youth of Ambracia, who threw himself into the 
 sea after reading Plato's celebrated treatise, though it does not insist 
 on sea-bathing as a means of the end. 
 
 CLISTHENES, a tyrant of Sicyon, who first introduced ostracism 
 (oystercism) or the shell-ballot, festivals in honour of which are still 
 held on the three first days of " the season," at which there is a frightful 
 consumption of pence and p. d. 
 
 CLODIA LEX, a law which permitted Ptolemy of Egypt in his 
 robes to be knocked down at a mock-auction. 
 
 CLYMENE, a daughter of Mymas, mother of Atalanta by Jasus. 
 
 COMITIA, an assembly of the Roman people in a large building 
 without a roof. When it rained the house and the umbrellas rose simul- 
 taneously, the speaker asking leave to sit again — when they got home. 
 
 COMUM, a town near the lake of Como, celebrated as the retreat of 
 white waistcoats and witless women. 
 
 CORINNA, a learned Theban, who fought Pindar for a poetical 
 prize and a bunch of parsley: she got the battle by the first knock- 
 down look. Pindar gave himself a good sponging, kissed, and wabked 
 home with Corinna, where they sat down, she coaxing the Muses, he 
 his whiskers, and wrote ode for ode until cockcrow. 
 
 CORIOLANUS, a noble Roman, who rose from the ranks, and 
 whacked the Corioli. The people, however, fell out with him; and the 
 Romans having received a present of corn, he turned protectionist, 
 and refused to let them have it free. Coriolanus was banished, joined < ■ 
 the Volscians, and frightened the Romans, until they persuaded his 
 wife and daughter to make the odds all even. He however came to 
 the ground between the celebrated two stools. The Volscians sum- 
 moned Coriolanus to appear at Actium; but be was murdered before 
 trial, and had a magnificent funeral. 
 
c o «2SO» c o 
 
 COENA, a goddess who presided over all sorts of odd-come-shorts. 
 The Eomans offered her heans and hacon, hut she refused, and went 
 into apartments. 
 
 CORNELIA (Mater Geacchoeum), a literary and virtuous lady, 
 very fond of "jewels," the name she gave to her two sons. The 
 Gracchi went all-in-all for the people, and opened a share-and-share- 
 alike shop in Rome; but it wouldn't do. The "people" took their 
 advice literally, and knocked down this curious lot of jewellery at 
 their own price. 
 
 CORYCIDES, nymphs who inhabited the foot of Parnassus, gene- 
 rally occupying the ground-floor. 
 
 CORYDON, the "dear" of pastoral, very fond of lamb's-wool and 
 live mutton. When asked his opinion of a landscape, he said "I 
 don't know much about lambskips in general, but think the sheep in 
 particular look uncommonly sheepish." 
 
 COS, an island, celebrated as the birth place of Jupiter, and a 
 middle-aged joke. 
 
 COSCONIUS, a blunt epigram-writer. The shortest, if not the worst, 
 on the body of a man taken out of a pond: 
 
 " Found 
 Drowned." 
 
 Some of his verses are perhaps tolerable, as the " Pearl of the Sea," 
 though very feebly rendered : 
 
 " In the blue vaulted depths of the ocean I lay, 
 And saw the pale shadows of eve pass away ; 
 The night-star enkindle the tremulous wave, — 
 Yet Mytilus came not, the Light of my cave! 
 
 Erewhile such a calm to his Mya was dear, 
 And the song of the syren fell sweet on her ear; — 
 But, absent my lover, its echoes impart 
 A withering grief to the desolate heart! 
 
 Each gift of the waters, each gem of the sea, 
 
 The richest, the rarest, I 'd treasure for thee ! 
 
 She listened — He comes! 'Twas the spoiler's rude hand 
 
 the fond little shell, and conveyed to the land! 
 
 Regardless of sympathies not the less kind 
 That the Parent of Love in the humblest enshrined 
 The slave priced its virtues, (the moral apply), 
 Plucked the pearl from its bosom, and left it to die! " 
 
 COTTAS, a giant with fifty heads, who advertized for fifty more 
 owing to a press of business, and some one sent him fifty penny-post 
 heads, for which 4s. 2d, was demanded. Cottas was so much annoyed 
 that he gave up a very promising speculation, discharged all his hands 
 (he had 100) but two, and affectionately laying them on his breeches- 
 pockets, died as well as could be expected. 
 
 41 
 
COTYLLO, a goddess of peep-o' day girls and night-birds, 
 kept a Finish at Athens. 
 
 CRASSUS, a Roman, and one of the first taumvirate. He accumu- 
 lated great wealth by slave-dealing; and met Spartacus, with 12,000 
 gladiators, whom he slaughtered. Going to take possession of Syria 
 he was met by the Parthian king, his head cut off, and melted lead 
 poured down his throat. He was very fond of philosoj)hy, and doing 
 little bills for the fun of the thing. 
 
 CRATES, a philosopher, who sold himself up, and gave the money 
 to the poor. He went about the streets with a hunchback and a 
 hurdy-gurdy, and married his daughters to two of his disciples on sale 
 or return. 
 
 CRETA, an island in the Mediterranean famous for its chalk (creta), 
 with which the Romans marked their lucky days on the milk-tally. 
 
 CREUSIS, a naval station of the Thespians. They had always ready 
 for service, a seventy-four in full sail, a Roman galley, a mermaid, a Nep- 
 tune's fork, and fifty or sixty yards of the Yellow Sea ; a moon nearly 
 new, two regulation-jackets, one superior pigtail, 'bacco-boxes, congreve 
 lights, and every other article necessary to fit-out a very decent wreck 
 ashore at a short notice. 
 
 CRISPINUS, a philosopher and great babbler. He was said to 
 have every language at the tip of his tongue, except two or three, which 
 he had talked to death, and were thence called dead languages. 
 
 CRITHEIS was wooed and won by a great lady-shot of his season, 
 and brought forth Homer, who, it seems, got his name from looking in 
 his mother's face when an infant; and roguishly screaming " O Ma!" 
 
 CROCODILOPOLIS, a town near the Nile, where crocodiles were 
 universally respected, and so tame, that a knife and fork were frequently 
 laid for the father and mother of a good family, whilst the little croccys 
 took their tart on Astley Cooper chairs placed at a side-table. 
 
 CURIUS (Dentatus), a Roman celebrated for his frugality. He 
 had gained several victories; and the ambassadors of the Samnites 
 wishing to gain him over, went to his cottage, and found him peeling 
 turnips and rocking the cradle of his grandchild. The orator baring 
 concluded, Curius politely asked the price of a new pipkin; adding, 
 "You will greatly oblige by handing me the bellows, and shutting the 
 door after you." 
 
 CYBELE, wife of Saturn, and supposed to be fifty other individuals. 
 She was a lusty woman, and doubtless a great pet in the city, for she 
 is represented carrying the Tower on her head, and the keys of Tem- 
 ple-bar on her apron-string. Cybele was connected with the Eleusinian 
 mysteries; and the Romans religiously washed her statue every year, 
 but never got the dirt off. 
 
ACTYLI, priests of Cybele, said to be so called from the 
 Greek far finger, because there were ten of them. Two 
 of the number were short stumpy man-boys, and 
 distinguished as thumbs. Hence Tom Thumb, and 
 thumb-almanacks. 
 D.EDALA, festivals in Boeotia, where "they used to tempt the crows 
 with small dishes of boiled beef rather fat, for the purpose of watching 
 where they alighted, and cutting down the trees for statues to the 
 goddess. Another ,/ete was, to dress a statue in women's clothes, and 
 a female as a bridesmaid, and proceed up a hill, roast an ox, and finish 
 with a shower of rockets. This was done by Jupiter to trap Juno, who 
 had quarrelled with her husband, and staid out all night. The truant 
 really believing that her lord and master was about to espouse the 
 lady-guy, instantly forbad the banns, kissed the manager, and made 
 the affair thoroughly pleasant. 
 
 DiEDALUS, a very ingenious man, and originator of various useful 
 instilments as well as the wimble, which he in vain attempted to 
 patent. The wimble becoming common, he retired in disgust to 
 Wimbledon-common, where he invented "young lambs to sell," and 
 attacked " windmills all a halfpenny a-piece." 
 
 D./EMON, a spirit, supposed by the ancients to preside over the 
 secret intentions of men. Every man, except he went into the law, 
 had two, one good and one bad; the exception had a third (malm), 
 supposed to be necessary to his calling. Socrates' familiar was first- 
 rate ; so was the " laughing devil" found playing off his tricks in a 
 roasted chicken. 
 
 DAI, a nation of crooked shepherds. 
 
 DAIPHRON, a son of /Egyptus, killed by his wife because they 
 couldn't live together. 
 
 DALMATIA, a part of Illyricum the inhabitants of which lived 
 upon plunder, and invented the dalmatica, which they introduced at 
 Rome. It was afterwards worn by the sanctimonious shadows com- 
 pared to a bason of gruel in a black cloak. 
 
 DAMAGETUS, a man of Rhodes, who asked the oracle what sort 
 of wife he shotdd marry, and was told the daughter of the bravest of 
 the Greeks. He was left looking for her. 
 
 DAMASCUS, an ancient city of Damascene, in Syria, and famous 
 for what is called damson-cheese, and a fine old rant-and-raddle tragedy. 
 Lucan says it was called Damas or Sham, and that it had a population 
 of 80,000 shams, with a proportionate stock of shammy shoes and 
 gloves. 
 
; 
 
 DA 
 
 DAMO, a daughter of Pythagoras, who devoted herself to a life of 
 celibacy. Pythagoras entrusted her with all the secrets of his phi- 
 losophy, which made things rather comfortable. Damon gave her a call 
 on his return to be hanged, and the parting was all that could be 
 wished. Damon got a reprieve, and called again. 
 
 DAMOCLES, a tinselled slave at the court of Diocletian. The 
 emperor induced the flatterer to ascend the throne; and, looking up, 
 he saw a sword suspended over him by a hair. Damocles funked 
 hugely; and, to propitiate the gods, had his hair turned immediately. 
 \ DAMON, the friend of Pythias, was condemned to death, but Py- 
 
 thias agreed to die for him, if he did not redeem his parole. Damon, 
 however, did return; but Dionysius was struck comic, and couldn't kill 
 < the man for the life of him. 
 
 DAMOPHILA, a poetess of Lesbos, opened a school for sentimental 
 mantua-makers, who at a very tender age forsook the world and the 
 feeding-bottle for " Psyche," and the Sorrows of Werter. 
 
 DANACE, the piece of silver money Charon 'charged for ferrying 
 people over the Styx. It bore the representation of a circle of skulls, 
 with the words "A boat all hours in the night." It was night all the 
 year round; and if any one was clever enough to swindle the old 
 punter, he was said to have won the silver skulls. 
 
 DANAIDES, fifty very dutiful and punctilious young ladies, who, 
 (with one exception) because they were told by their kingly father to 
 do so, struck off the heads of their husbands on the bridal night, and 
 sent them by the Parcels Delivery to his majesty of Argos. The 
 fiftieth sister had a very handsome young man, and she couldn't make 
 up her face to stick him — so she didn't, and saved him up for herself. 
 The slayers were exhibited in a very spicy tragedy entitled " Forty- 
 nine Murders in Fifty 3finutes.'" which was repeated every evening 
 for seven successive seasons; and the scene where the condemned are 
 represented sifting a trout-stream, and the more they sift the more 
 they don't sift, was immensely applauded. The forty-nine were ac- 
 companied by the survivor on afau'ty piano. 
 
 DANAUS, the cruel uncle of the forty-nine young gentlemen mur- 
 dered in full dress on their wedding-night, and father of the forty-nine 
 innocents who did the deed. Danaus is said to have introduced pumps 
 into Greece : but certain writers assert that he merely parted with the 
 pumps of the departed to a Jew, with strict injunctions to scatter them 
 as widely as possible to prevent suspicion. 
 
 DAPHNE, a "darling" beloved by Apollo, who pursued her until 
 she was changed into a lam-el. One of them must have been very 
 
 •; 
 
 DAPHNUS, a physician who preferred supper to dinner, because ^ jj 
 he fancied the moon assisted digestion. When the moon looked 
 extremely pale he suspected all was not right, and went to bed 
 supperless. 
 
 44 
 
DAPHNIS, a young shepherd of Sicily, first piper to the Muses, 
 and very fond of hunting the slipper. A shepherdess however made 
 a slip, and hecause Daphnis wouldn't pick her up again, he was meta- 
 morphosed into a rock. The bon-bon rock has been immortalized by 
 the sugar-babies of all ages. 
 
 DAKIUS, a satrap or man-trap, who carried the throne of Persia by 
 the neighing of his horse, — a negative sort of test enough: had he 
 pinched the tail of a pig, the election would have been more affirma- 
 tive. The tyrant decimated men by thousands from mere pique or for 
 pastime. There were two or three other Darius's, but they were mere 
 sarsnet to the Persian. 
 
 DEIPHON, a "protege" of Ceres, who intended to make him im- 
 mortal by placing him on a pan of coals evexy evening. The child 
 never had better health: but his mother, wishing to know the process, 
 shrieked when she saw the little thing a-roasting; and the goddess 
 being disturbed, the gridiron fell, and Deiphon perished in the gravy. 
 
 DEJANIRA, an ^Etolian princess, who married Hercules on account 
 of his great strength. Nessus, a centaur, offered to convey her across 
 a swollen stream, but turned rude on the other side ; and Hercules 
 pinked him. Nessus gave Dejanira his tunic, which had been poisoned 
 by an arrow, saying it would make Hercules keep good hours, and do 
 what was proper. Hercules, after a delicious shampoo, put on what 
 he considered a clean sans-plis, and caught his death. 
 
 DELIA, a pet with sonneteering spinsters and ladies'-shoemakers. 
 
 DELIUS (Q.), an officer of Antony, had to cite Cleopatra before the 
 conqueror, and advised her to be as killing as ever she could. Cleo- 
 patra put on her little clear-muslin bonnet, a nice heart-locket, and a 
 raking set of stern-chasers. She then looked her man full in the face, 
 and the thing was done. 
 
 DELOS, an island fished up from the sea by Neptune for the 
 especial convenience of Latona on interesting occasions. It was 
 famous for its altar to Apollo, and certain sanitary regulations. No 
 dogs or cripples were admitted. It was illegal for a man to die, or a 
 child to be born, there; and they dug up their dead, and cast them out. 
 Delos, like Dorking, was celebrated for its breed of hens: the royal 
 hydro-incubator, and chanticleer, are not mentioned. 
 
 DELPHI, a town of Phocis, contained a temple of Apollo, and the 
 most renowned in the world. Cuyp tells the story of its origin in one 
 of his gems. Some goats are browzing near a stream, and excite the 
 attention of the goatherd, who instinctively lies down, places his ear 
 to a hole, and gets up a prophet. The oracles were given in verse; but 
 the laureate having adopted the Catnachian strophe, simple prose was 
 substituted, and his ration of Canary stopped. Croesus shelled 
 out freely for " glorious" Apollo, whilst the shabby Nero nibbled 500 
 statues of brass. Delphi was said to be in the middle of the earth, 
 and a very middling people were the Delphians. 
 
 
DELPHYNE, a serpent that watched over Jupiter — the ornament 
 in his frontlet, indicative of a good shai-e of devilism. 
 
 DEMADES, an Athenian sailor, who took to statesmanship, and was 
 hanged for treason. One of his orations is extant; and may be traced 
 piecemeal to sundry glorifications of the oakum-pirate, personified by 
 a jolly gentleman -born Jack, in the identical " pikky-pineteds," with a 
 little hat, a very large heart, and a double hornpipe. 
 
 DEMAGORAS, an historian who wrote concerning the foundation 
 of Rome, and found it sandy or cineritious, with a vein of trap lacing 
 an understratum of fossiliferous fallals, and other zoophytes of the 
 great poplolly period. 
 
 DEMETRIA, a festival of Ceres, at which the votaries lashed them- 
 selves with whips made of the bark of trees. They were deified, and 
 known by their beautiful lashes. 
 
 DEMETRIUS, a cynic, answered Caligula that if he wished to 
 bribe him he must send his crown, and he would send him back the 
 change — next week. 
 
 DEMOCHARES, one of a deputation to Philip of Macedon, who, 
 when the monarch asked what he could do to please the Athenians, 
 replied "Hang yoiu-self!" "At my convenience," said Philip coolly, 
 and dismissed the ambassadors with presents. 
 
 DEMOCRTTUS, a great philosopher and lapidary: he made mock 
 emeralds, melted stones, and softened the heart of ivory. Being 
 thought great in these things, a poor artist asked his opinion of some 
 sketches in chalk, and the critic advised him to take a milk- walk. 
 
 DEMONAX, a philosopher who took no care for the morrow, but 
 when hungry walked into a cook-shop, and helped himself. Denionax 
 left a work called " Eating made Easy," of which Dando has made 
 liberal use in his " Autobiography of an Oyster." 
 
 DEMOSTHENES, the son of a blacksmith, and a great orator, 
 though he could not say hot rolls and butter, transmogrifying it into 
 " Avot wolls and wutter." He spoke with pebbles in his mouth, and his 
 eloquence moved stones all manner of ways. He shaved his head on 
 one side, studied by lamp-light, and had a trifling squint. Demosthenes 
 accused his countrymen of cowardice, and ran away at Cheronsea. He 
 declaimed against corruption, yet was bribed by Harpalus. The phi- 
 losopher took prussic acid from a quill which he always carried about 
 him, and with which he wrote most of his celebrated pieces. 
 
 DERCETO, a goddess of Syria, said to have had a fish's tail. Venus 
 spitefully set a young priest to court her; and the "divine," after 
 playing all sorts of pranks, took orders — for the Zoological, locked her 
 up in one of the cages, and ran. She fretted herself into an entire 
 fish. The Syrian women mourned for her in short coats, and the men 
 in long-tailed blues. 
 
 1 
 

 DIAGOEAS, a philosopher, who turned atheist because some one 
 stole his verses, and got off. Owing to his blasphemies, a price was 
 set on him, one talent for his head, or two for his heels. Pindar wrote 
 an ode in golden letters on his merit; and he died of joy at three of 
 his sons receiving Olympian crowns on the same day. 
 
 DIANA, a first-rate huntress and Malthusian : she drove a curricle- 
 and-pair, was followed by fox-dogs, and carried a bow and quiver. 
 Jupiter gave her a retinue, and appointed her to the woods and forests, 
 where she could do pretty well as she pleased, according to custom. 
 Diana was a fine manly-looking woman, and hunted the country for 
 many years ; but, falling into difficulties, she broke earth in a copse or 
 small inclosure, and turned herself into a cat. As " pretty puss," she 
 walked upon velvet, put dolly to bed, frisked with the children, and 
 taught them to make cat's-cradles. 
 
 DICENUS, an Egyptian philosopher, who French-polished the 
 king, and induced the multitude to destroy their vines, and thereby 
 prevent intemperance. He wrote his maxims on tipple in a neat 
 little book, with illustrations, which was to be had at all the pumps 
 throughout the kingdom, where it was eagerly bought up "just wet 
 from the press." 
 
 DICTATOR, a sort of King Cuffey at Rome, who had a great 
 amount of power of all sorts, but who ran to seed, and was snuffed 
 out accordingly. He was not permitted to ride Avithout leave from his 
 principals, who frequently contrived to walk the poor devil off his legs ; 
 and having been caught in the north riding, he was sent to the castle, 
 and sentenced to half-an-hour's hard labour, and to say nothing about 
 it. He had a master of the horse, who was permitted to ride out on 
 Soft Tuesdays; but he turned impudent, and, being a strictly moral 
 man, went out with the ministry. 
 
 DICTIDIENSES, certain inhabitants of Mount Athos who could 
 not spell their own names, and invented the phonetic system. 
 
 DIDIA (Lex), a sumptuary law for restraining the expenses of 
 festivals, and docking the waiters. 
 
 DIDO, an unfortunate " widdy," in consequence of the death of her 
 husband, whom she ever after tenderly loved as long as she lived. A 
 queer heathen wanted to marry the woman, but she didn't fancy him, 
 and made away with herself. The story of the funeral-pile is all stuff, 
 except indeed that she did wear a velvet bodice, the pile of which was 
 considerably frayed by the murderous attack of somebody on somebody 
 else. Her tomb was inscribed " Di-do-dumbf" though the authorities 
 coincide in saying they know nothing about it, and they are very 
 generally believed. There is no truth in the statement that she was 
 engaged to a chicken-butcher, the calumny resting solely on a per- 
 version of the words of Virgil " Dido et Dux." Many other particulars 
 connected with the name of Dido are so many fictions. 
 
DI 
 
 D1DIUS, a rich old hunks, who bought the empire when it was put 
 up for sale by candle. Owing to a decline in the market he refused to 
 clear the lot; and the swaddies, turning unusually red, tallowed his 
 nose, and hung him in a bran-new choker. 
 
 DIDYMAON, a famous artist in armour, who introduced a curious 
 process to prevent a defeated soldier falling on his back, which was 
 considered something analogous to turning tail. They did not prefer 
 
 lying with 
 
 " The tip of their nose, 
 
 And the tops of their toes, 
 
 Turned up to the roots of the daisies, 0!" 
 
 DIENECES, a Spartan, who was told at Thermopylae that the 
 spears of the Persians were so numerous that they would darken the 
 sun. " Then," said he, " we shall do one of two things, — either fight 
 in the shade; or insist that they strike a light at our hearts." 
 
 DIESPITER, a surname of Jupiter as the father of light, and the 
 follower of light characters. 
 
 DIGENTIA, a river which watered Horace's farm, in the country 
 of the Sabines. It is not generally known that the Sabines resided in 
 Shoe-lane for upwards of a century. 
 
 DII, or MY-I, the divinities of the ancient inhabitants of the earth. 
 They divided amongst themselves all the ills, and everything else 
 " that flesh is heir to." The Romans placed several of their purple 
 monarchs on the roll. They kept their regular feasts and terms, the 
 latter being cash prompt. 
 
 DINOCRATES, a famous sculptor, who offered to make a statue of 
 Alexander holding a city in one'hand, and a bason in the other to re- 
 ceive all the waters running from it. Alexander smiled, and insinuated 
 that the people would call it a slop bason; upon which the unhappy 
 artist took a garret in Stoney-lane, and an excursion-ticket for the 
 Land's-end. 
 
 DINOLOCHUS, the author of several transpontine comedies, in one 
 of which the principal actor beats his wife, betrays his friend, and 
 bargains for his children ! 
 
 DINOLOCUS, a Syracusan who composed fourteen comedies, and 
 survived them all. 
 
 DIOCLEA, festivals in honour of Diodes, who died for a youth 
 whom he tenderly loved. The ceremony took place on his tomb, and 
 the youth who gave the sweetest kisses (according to Gunter) was re- 
 warded with a wreath of sugar-candy. 
 
 DIOCLETIANUS, a persecutor of the Christians, and the pro- 
 pounder of the celebrated theorem "What is the secret of ruling?" 
 He couldn't say, gave it up, and turned machine-ruler to the trade. 
 
 DIPHILUS, an architect, so slow that he passed nearly his whole life 
 in constructing a court of chancery, and writing his Endless Amuse- 
 ments, both of which he left unfinished. 
 
 48 
 
DIOGENES, a cynic, &c, but turned to many other callings. He 
 carried a tub on his head, shouting " Washing-tub ! " and when he 
 couldn't sell, he slept in it. He pooh-pooh'd Alexander, and Alexander i \ 
 je-H jewed him, saying he shoidd like to be Diogenes. He died poor, 
 and desired to be buried in a ditch: this was thought low, so they 
 buried him in his glory, and saved the expense of a tombstone. 
 
 DIOMEDES, king of Thrace, fed his horses on human flesh; but 
 Hercules wouldn't see it. The king of clubs floored, and diddled him 
 into three feeds-a-day, for the benefit of his own stable. 
 
 DION, a Syracusan, and friend of Dionysius. He paid the debt of 
 nature, the only debt he ever did pay; and left a bad shilling, to be 
 " universally lamented." 
 
 DIONYSIA, festivals in honour of Bacchus. The worshippers pa- 
 raded themselves dressed in skins, with drums and fifes, crowned with 
 garlands, and making the most hideous noises: some of them wore 
 mitres, and rode on asses! Greece and Rome, in their highest estate, 
 tumbled to this savagery. 
 
 DIONYSIDES, a dramatic poet of the pneumatic academy, and 
 finely travestied by a first-rate disciple of the modern Chocktaw Thea- 
 trum. An old Turk lectures his love-boy: — 
 
 " I tell thee — Ganem! Psah! 
 
 Thy mother was a — Christian— — Humph! 
 
 If I thought so Tush! 
 
 My scymitar should Pish! " 
 
 The passage has been set for wind-instruments, and may be found in 
 the Fifeonicon. 
 
 DIONYSIUS, a tyrant and a coward. He suspected everybody, even 
 his own family. He burnt his beard off, fearing the barber would cut 
 his throat. He had an acoustic machine (called Dionysius's ear) 250 
 feet in length, which conveyed to his room what was said by those 
 about him. He stole the embroidered vest from the statue of Jupiter, 
 and left an old wrap-rascal. He also ordered a common shaver to 
 scrape off the golden beard of Esculapius, which he put in his pocket, 
 and dropped a penny into the soap-dish. Dionysius died of indigestion 
 and chagrin at some fellows having burglariously entered his ear, and 
 stolen the tympanum. 
 
 DIOPHANTUS, a writer of arithmetical questions. This is said to 
 have been his earliest — 
 
 " Take X. from XC. and find for your pains 
 A capital riddle:— one hundred remains." 
 
 DIOSCOEIA, a Cyprian with one eye, and one little boy with one 
 ditto. She got on the blind sides of an elderly cyclops, and went for 
 affiliation; but the magistrate dismissed the charge as altogether ex- 
 parte, and false on the face of it. It reminded him (he said) of the 
 story of One Eye between Two; and the accused left the bar without 
 the least imputation on his character either as a giant or a gentleman. 
 
 49 
 
DIOSCOEIDES, once a soldier, and afterwards M.D. and herbalist 
 to Antony and Cleopatra. He lectured his distinguished patients on 
 diet and deportment, cautioning them particularly against mere or 
 mock dignity (which he sneeringly called haughty-culture), and highly- 
 seasoned dishes. He prescribed in extremis for the lady rue-tea: for 
 the gentleman, rue-tea too. 
 
 DIOTIMA, a she-stoic, who opened a Whittington club, and sent 
 Socrates a refreshment-ivory, with a reserved seat close to the victual- 
 ling-spout. 
 
 DIOTIMUS, an Athenian skilled in maritime affairs, who excited 
 much clamour by an anti-nicotian pamphlet called Quid pro Quo. A 
 lady-dramatist stole the title, and gored it into a prize-play. 
 
 DIOXIPPE, one of the Danaides, and a very early subscriber to 
 the rint. 
 
 DIS, the Pluto of the Gauls. That nation supposed themselves 
 descended from Dis really. 
 
 DISCORDIA, a very ill-conditioned personage, and intimate of 
 Bellona. She had an eye of fire, and dressed in very seedy bombazine. 
 Peleus did not invite her to his wedding, and she got up the famous 
 pippin -stakes in revenge. Discordia set Olympus in a flame; and "for 
 a single apple " damned old Troy. 
 
 DODONA, a town of Thessaly, famous for a temple of Jupiter 
 founded by a black dove. Oracles were frequently given by the oaks, 
 and the doves which inhabited the sacred woods. The Greek for dorcs, 
 in the dialect of the Epirots, .signifies old women. The ceremony at 
 length consisted of sounding large gongs near a brazen figure with a 
 lash in his hand. This again gave way to shaking predictions from 
 the oaks, a very early record of turf-prophets, and the Oaks of our 
 day: — the saddling-bell, the figure (jock.), the lash, the doves (pigeons), 
 all favour the suggestion. 
 
 DOLABELLA, a Roman officer, and son-in-law of Cicero. He was 
 a mere soldier-dolly, (boots and bearskin three feet nothing!) and the 
 orator once asked who had so ingeniously tied him to his sword. 
 
 DOMITIANUS was the author of a celebrated receipt for curing 
 baldness, spitting cockchafers, and giving very blue bluebottles their 
 quietus with a blanket-pin. He was the last of the Caesars, and caught 
 and killed more flies than all the heroes of antiquity put together. 
 Domitianus was a practical joker, and once summoned a cabinet- 
 council to decide on the merits of a fish-kettle. The man-cook was 
 called in, but the members were sworn to secrecy, and the result is 
 unknown. 
 
 DOPJMUS, a man of Tarentum, cashiered for indulging in hot 
 baths. — Another man, not of Tarentum, cruelly persecuted for eating 
 hot rolls. 
 
DOSIADES, a poet who wrote a poem in the form of an altar. 
 Theocritus wrote another in imitation of it, which he called a com- 
 panion to the altar. 
 
 DOSON, a surname, of Antigonus, and a long race of courtly suc- 
 cessors — because he promised, and never performed. 
 
 DKACANUS, a mountain where Jupiter took Bacchus from his 
 fob, and sent him to school whistling " Farewell to the Mountain !" 
 
 DKACO, a law-maker, who punished idleness with death. His 
 code was said to be written in blood, and his fate seems somewhat 
 singular. Draco bespoke the Blood-red Knight ; and the audience in 
 mere idlesse, and as a sort of triumph, threw their jackets on and 
 smothered him. 
 
 DKIMACHUS, a robber of Chios, who, when a price was set upon 
 his head, got a friend to cut it off, and receive the reward. The next- 
 of-kin, however, claimed it as head-money. 
 
 DRUSO, a cruel money-scrivener, and an aniateur-author, who com- 
 pelled his debtors to listen to his compositions when they couldn't 
 meet their bills ! 
 
 DRUSUS (Catus), an historian, who was stolen from his cradle, and 
 traced to the highest gable of the house, kicking his heels in a swal- 
 low's-nest. He wrote on very high ait. 
 
 DRYADES, nymphs propitiated by milk and honey. Being semi- 
 immortal they frequently strolled into the park, and took a " teeny drap 
 o' summut" in then- milk, which they called honey-dew. 
 
 DRYAS, a daughter of Faunus, who so thoroughly hated the sex that 
 she never looked at a man — because she "saw through the fellows." 
 
 DRYOPE, a woman of Lemnos, whose shape Venus assumed to 
 persuade all the females of the island to murder the men : but they 
 wouldn't. 
 
 DUILLIUS (Nepos), a Roman consul, who took 50 ships from the 
 Carthaginians, and was honoured by a naval triumph. The senate 
 voted him a long-mould and music whilst taking his supper. Medals 
 were struck, having on the obverse the defeated admiral snuffing the 
 candle, and a black boy drilling a monkey, and agonizing a bagpipe. 
 
 DURIUS, a river in Portugal, now the Douro, and giving title to 
 the inventor of the Douro-tie. 
 
 DYAGONDAS, a Theban legislator, who abolished all nocturnal 
 sacrifices. "Awful sacrifices" soon followed; and the tally-trade was 
 ruined. 
 
 DYNASTE, a daughter of Thespius, and sister of Beau-naste. 
 
€. 
 
 CHO, one of Jupiter's attendants, and a native of Air, 
 was turned into a pine for talking too much. She had 
 fallen in love with Narcissus, and popped the question 
 herself, but the puppy chose to consider his promise as 
 an unredeemed pledge, and sold it for what it would 
 fetch. Echo pined away before her metamorphosis; but pines at that 
 time were very cheap, and in the end she had the satisfaction of re- 
 taining her voice even in the concrete state. 
 
 ECHION, one of the men who sprung from the dragon's teeth, and 
 took a turn in building Thebes. Cadmus is said to have used bone- 
 dust in manuring for these extraordinary non -descripts, most of whom 
 died in teething. 
 
 ELEUSIS, a town of Attica, celebrated for the festivals of Ceres or 
 Eleusinian mysteries, which the old Bogies thought a great deal of, 
 and contrived to keep hosts of simpletons of the same opinion. It 
 opened, like the corn-doctor's booth, with drum and trumpet, and 
 troops of mummers made eyes, played all sorts of tricks, and almost 
 frightened people to death with spectres, bowlings, and other devilries. 
 Bluebeard's Boudoir, or the Chamber of Horrors, was nothing to it: 
 and all for the small charge of— as much as they could get. The god- 
 dess to whom these ceremonies were dedicated was the daughter of 
 Saturn, and mother of Proserpine — by Jupiter. Proserpine was em- 
 ployed in early life bearing or carrying fruit to market, and was in- 
 veigled away by Pluto whilst picking strawberries: this so affected 
 the mother that she sought her everywhere. Night coming on, 
 Ceres lighted a match at Etna, and luckily found the girl's veil near a 
 fountain, and Arethusa, who told the story about Pluto and the pines. 
 The incensed goddess ordered her dragons to be put-to, and flew in a 
 fly to demand satisfaction for the abduction. Pluto being extremely 
 rich, and a staunch advocate for " things as they were," Jupiter didn't 
 like to cag him ; but promised to restore Proserpine, if she had not 
 eaten anything in the kingdom of Pluto. She however, in passing 
 through the " garden," had unluckily eaten a pomegranate, which made 
 the arrangement impossible ; but ultimately she got permission to pass 
 six months in the year with her mother. Ceres was a great agricul- 
 turist, and went through the country as a lecturer, teaching the people 
 to plough, and sow and reap, at an enormous saving ; likewise to make 
 and bake bread: in short, told them everything — but how to get the 
 money to pay for it. She was represented with a garland of ears of 
 corn and poppies on her head; and the Cerean wreath is still con- 
 sidered "sweetly pretty." 
 
 52 
 
I 
 
 EDALUS, having invented the pipe, gave it to the Muses, who took 
 out a patent, and enjoyed the exclusive privilege of piping for them- 
 selves and everybody else, as long as they paid for it. Some of their 
 hearers having been moved to tears, one of the Misses Pipes insinuated 
 that they were merely piping their eye. 
 
 EGERIA, a nymph of Aricia beloved by Numa: at his death her 
 grief was so intense that she melted into tears, but the temperature is 
 not set down. 
 
 ELEUTHERIA, festivals of liberty, celebrated by the Greeks in 
 honour of departed heroes. A trumpeter headed chariots, and a black 
 bull garlanded was followed by young freemen, carrying libations of 
 wine and milk in very long-eared milk-pots. The chief magistrate fell 
 in, and on this occasion was permitted to touch cold iron, and wear 
 his mulberry-coat. With a sword in one hand and a slop-pan in the 
 other he washed down the monuments, and invited the gentle souls to 
 partake of the black bull, knocked on the head special. The number 
 dined was a secret. 
 
 ELIS, a country west of Arcadia, and watered by the Alpheus free 
 of expense. 
 
 ELPHENOR, one of the companions of Ulysses, who, sleeping on 
 the top of a house, fell out of bed, and was killed. 
 
 ELYSIUM, a sort of living sepulchre for the virtuous dead. Hap- 
 piness was complete — pleasures innocent and refined. There were 
 blissful bowers, cheerful meadows, and laughing streams; — the air 
 serene and beautiful, birds constantly warbled, the gardens bloomed 
 eternally, and the happy promenaders had a sun, moon, and stars, of 
 then- own! Achilles, one of the oldest inhabitants, was "first actor," 
 and attacked lions in their dens; whilst the Trojans got up pony-races, 
 went about leather-plating, or mimicked soldiers, standing at ease or 
 handling arms, as the word might be. They also had their revels and 
 hard drinks, and smoked fragrant and undying cigars over the open and 
 joyous champagne. They were immortal, but danced; — though Paine's 
 (quadrilles) and H.'s they never knew. The Elysian-fields were, ac- 
 cording to some, situated near the moon, or Moor-fields ; though the 
 Fortunate Islands lay very rational claim to the honour of originating 
 the carnival or the casino, and all the dazzling glories that adorn and 
 illustrate that pure source of the sublime — ad valorem. 
 
 EMPEDOCLES, a poet and a Pythagorean, who had a life for every 
 day in the week, was fond of music, and taught rhetoric. He fell into 
 and was swallowed by Etna, but evidently against her consent; for, 
 feeling qualmish, she threw out one of his slippers. He was a boy, a 
 girl, a shrub, a bird, a fish, a fighting-man at Troy; and, lastly, Empe- 
 docles : he wished to pass for a god, but his immortality was shorter- 
 lived than his old shoe. 
 
 53 
 
E N 
 
 E E 
 
 ENDYMION, a shepherd, with a hankering after long sleeps and 
 unchanging youth. He was a handsome young fellow, with a wife 'and 
 family, hut fond of staying out at nights. Looking at the stars from 
 a very high mountain, Diana, or the moon, caught his eye, and fell 
 deeply in love with him. Without consulting his friends, 
 
 " He popped in her bosom a quiver of arrows, 
 Like naughty boys shooting at little cock-sparrows." 
 
 Frequent meetings by moonlight alone followed ; and the lady usually 
 enlivened the entertainment by reciting from the Bnsia, with imitations. 
 
 ENNIUS, a poet, and greatly admired by Virgil, who took entire 
 lines from him, and called them pearls gathered from the dunghill ! 
 
 ENOBABBUS, an unshaven infidel, who discredited Castor and 
 Pollux : he was sentenced to dye his whiskers, and dyed daring the 
 operation. 
 
 ENOTOCCETyE, a nation with ears down to then- heels: sometimes 
 they had them bored for spurs, and sometimes earned them in their 
 watch-pockets. They were the only people that could bite then- 
 own ears. 
 
 EOLLE, several islands called Lipari. What is known as hare-lip 
 was first noticed here. The cat-mug, or moustache, has no connection 
 with this tradition. 
 
 EOLUS, the god of the winds, which he sewed up in a bag, and gave 
 to Ulysses for his own private use. His companions, however, not 
 eating to be troubled with such bilious customers, cut a hole in and 
 gave them the sack. They have been frequently heard, but never 
 actually seen, except by the learned pig, and the member for Lincoln. 
 
 EPHESUS, a city of Ionia, famous for the temple of Diana, im- 
 mensely rich and beautiful, and of which the goddess herself is said 
 to have laid the last stone. A young snob named Erostratus, because 
 he could do nothing wiser, set it on fire the night that Alexander 
 was bom. 
 
 EPIMETHEUS, the husband of Pandora, got the key of his wife's 
 box, and opened it on the sly, when out flew a host of evils, which have 
 continued at large ever since. The lid, however, being let down as 
 quickly as possible, Hope was secured, for the especial comfort of all 
 concerned. Epimetheus was very properly turned into a monkey, and 
 sent on his travels. 
 
 EP YTUS, a son of Hippothous, who broke open and entered the tem- 
 ple of Neptune; and, being asked if he came to take the waters, a 
 miraculous squirt sent a jet into his eyes and blinded him. He couldn't 
 see his tools, and floundered away without them. 
 
 EEIGYUS, one of Alexander's officers, constantly cheered by the 
 troops on parade, hut fell into disfavour. He left the Huzzas, and went 
 into the Blues. 
 
 54 
 
ERATO, one of the Muses, who presided over tender and amorous 
 poetry. She was a great lyrist, and invoked hy lovers very early in 
 April, as " most divine and adorahle goddess," &c. She wrote about 
 " hearts," " sighs," " eyes," and "forever;" "bright," "light," "slight," 
 and " oh never." 
 
 " By yon radiant eyes of light 
 That gem the azure face of night— 
 By the cresset's gentle heam 
 That silvers o'er the silent stream— 
 
 I swear to leave thee never! — 
 Yet fickle stars will cease to smile, 
 Nor moonbeams glad the rill the while- 
 Like buried joys the beauteous scene 
 Shall pass as though it ne'er had been — 
 
 Thus Fate fond hearts may sever! — 
 
 But there's a sun whose equal light 
 Shines sweetly through the darkest night — 
 A ray that cheers my constant flame — 
 'Tis Truth! — and by that hallowed name 
 I swear to love thee ever!" 
 
 ERISICHTON, a Thessalian, having offered an indignity to Ceres, 
 was condemned to perpetual hunger: he spent all his money in eating, 
 and died of starvation. 
 
 ERYMANTHUS, a town of Arcadia, where Hercules killed a pro- 
 digious boar, which he threw over his shoulders and carried to Eurys- 
 theus, who ran away mortally scared, and hid himself in a stew-pan. 
 The fright is said to have turned his blood, and he was taken from his 
 hiding-place a huge ready-dressed pig-pudding. 
 
 ESYMNUS, a man of Megara, who consulted Apollo to know the 
 best method of governing his country, and was answered — By the aris- 
 tocracy of intellect. 
 
 ETHON, a horse, represented as having shed tears at the death of 
 his master Pallas, and the thought of being put into a street-cab. 
 
 ETNA, a volcano that has been vomiting fire for 3000 years, and is 
 not sick of it yet. 
 
 ESCULAPIUS, the inventor of medicine, and physician-in-ordinary 
 to the Argonauts. He was a great botanist, and patented a Vegetable 
 Pill, which he tried on his favourite pugs. This is the earliest instance 
 of throwing physic to the dogs, and of dogs being fools enough to take 
 it. The doctor was deified, and had pigs (guinea?) sacrificed to him. 
 
 ESOPUS, a philosopher, fabulist, and slave, avIio procured his liberty 
 by his wit. He was patronized by Crcesus, and offended the Delphians 
 by calling them a set of sticks. The Delphians didn't like it. They 
 publicly accused Esop of picking Apollo's pocket whilst praying in the 
 temple, and threw him from a rock. 
 
EUBULIDES, a philosopher, who cured Demosthenes of the burr. 
 He ordered the patient to he thrown into an immoderate fit of laughter, 
 uttering each ha! ha! distinctly three or four times a minute, which, 
 with the adroit management of a lucky-stone in his mouth, soon 
 enabled the orator to address the " oring" sea much more appropriately, 
 call " right" white, and summon and devour his " wolls " with the rebel 
 initial ; involving a perfect cure — as long as it lasted. 
 
 EUNUS, a Syrian slave, who put sulphur in his mouth, and pro- 
 duced flame therefrom; upon which the people made him a god. 
 Misery and oppression placed an army at his beck; but he was starved 
 into defeat, and crucified. 
 
 EUPHEME, nurse to the Muses, nine very fine and forward children, 
 who were brought up by hand, cut their eye-teeth unusually early, and 
 ran alone (bolted) at thirteen months old. Fortunately they had all 
 been inoculated for luck — and had it. 
 
 EUPHEATES, a stoic in the age of Adrian, who destroyed himself 
 when young to prevent his dying of old age. 
 
 EUPOLIS, a comic poet and critic, who lashed the rices of the age, 
 and met a violent death. His favourite dog attended him to the grave 
 as chief mourner: it was a walking funeral. 
 
 EURIPIDES, a celebrated tragic poet, very jealous of Sophocles, 
 and laughed at by Aristophanes. He was called upon to expunge 
 some lines, but told the audience he wrote to instruct, and not to re- 
 ceive instruction. Envy and ridicule drove him into exile, where he 
 met a frightful death. Euripides excelled in pathos and the gentler 
 passions, though many of his wild creations stand out in fearful con- 
 trast, especially as passed through the Gallo-classic philtre, for the 
 edification of the worshippers of Fuseli enjwpon. 
 
 EURYDAMAS, a Trojan skilled in interpreting dreams. He was 
 put to death for confessing that he once dreamt he was asleep. 
 
 EUTROPIUS, a Latin historian, who wrote a history of medicine, 
 without the least knowledge of the art; though it is allowed that he 
 suggested the medical-spoon. 
 
 EXAGONUS, a native of Cyprus, came to Rome, and talked con- 
 stantly of the power of affection in serpents, with which he expressed 
 himself perfectly intimate. The consul increased this intimacy by 
 throwing him into a place filled with his friends, who caressed and 
 bestowed upon him a mortal licking. No bones were broken. 
 
 ! 
 
f. 
 
 ABII, a noble family at Rome who derived their name 
 from hriui. There was a large crop of these beans, and 
 they thought proper to go to war with the Veientes. 
 The whole get got a regular beating; and only one little 
 Bean, who remained at home, saved his bacon, and 
 founded the aforesaid Fabii. When he became of age, one of the 
 most prominent features of the feast was a large dish of beans, very 
 broad, but not related to the Sawney Beans. 
 
 FABIUS, a hunchback lawyer and libertine, whom Horace calls 
 Advltawry. 
 
 FABRICIUS, a Roman consul, celebrated for his victories over the 
 Samnites, and a little silver salt-cellar with feet of horn, value 3s. 10£d., 
 that being the amount of his plate- chest. 
 
 FALERII, a town of Etruria, famous for a peculiar sort of sausage 
 called Nebuchadnezzar's nose, and still characteristic of many of the 
 children of Israel " as is." 
 
 FALISCI, a people of Italy attacked by Camillus: a school-master 
 betrayed them into the hands of the Roman, who indignantly ordered 
 him to be " taken up," aud all his pupils assisted at the flagellation. 
 
 FAUSTULUS, a shepherd ordered to make away with Romulus and 
 Remus; but he could not think so lightly of a pastoral charge, and 
 took tbem home and gave them some bread-and-butter. They turned 
 out capital lads, and could pot-hook or hang without ruling. 
 
 FAVO, a Roman mimic, who imitated the manners and gestures of 
 Vespasian at his funeral. The personation of the emperor, who had in 
 early life been a horse-doctor, whilst giving his nag a " quick ball," was 
 only surpassed by Favo's acting the scene where a sweet-scented gent. 
 was summarily dismissed as offending the nasal antipathies of Ves- 
 pasian to assafcetida. 
 
 FIDES, the goddess of oaths and honesty, worshipped by the 
 Romans— when quite convenient. 
 
 FLORA, the goddess of flowers, who had a temple in Rome, some- 
 thing before the model of Covent-garden conservatory. She is said to 
 have been a common basket- woman, but very pretty, and to have made 
 a great deal of money by representing roses on her cheeks, and other 
 tempting artifices peculiar to Floraculture. 
 
 FLORALIA, games of grotesque antics in honour of Flora — very 
 cheap indeed. Cato couldn't stand it. 
 
 FLORANUS, a man who wore the imperial purple at Rome only for 
 two months: he was a schismatic, and took to the Oxford- mixture. 
 
 57 
 
 >S^fc=^=s— » — • 
 
FR 
 
 FRONTO (Julius), a learned Roman, who was so fond of the com- 
 pany of poets, that he lent them his house and gardens, where they 
 met, and recited their contributions. The verses entitled "What 
 is Love?" have been wrongly attributed to a young poetaster at one of 
 these re-unions. " 
 
 1 
 
 " 'Tia the queen of the garden's first glimpse of the light. 
 Giving balm to the sense, whilst it gladdens the sight ! 
 Tis the morning's salute to the young smiling May, 
 And Zephyrus' breath when he woos her to stay!— 
 'Tis the night-star's adieu, when its glories embrace 
 The silvery shadows that beam in her face. 
 'Tis affection's quick pulse, when in sorrow we part 
 From friends who though sever'd still cling to the heart ! 
 'Tis a mother's fund pledge on the cheek of her child— 
 The innocent hopes that our boyhood beguiled. 
 'Tis the eve-dew that gently descends on the flower, 
 Bids it blossom anew, and smile on through its hour! 
 'Tis the sweet lonely music that's heard in the gale 
 When fancy responds to the widowed heart's wail! 
 'Tis the soft mellowed ray on the hill-top afar, 
 When disrobing Sol silently steals from his car, 
 To kiss the blue waters, and slumber awhile 
 On the bright buoyant bosom he lights with a smile ! — 
 'Tis the cresset's pale beam as she peacefully glides 
 Through night's stilly noon, whilst her Philomel chides 
 Its lingering mate, till long absence and pain, 
 Whilst it sweetens the song mingles death with the strain !— 
 'Tis poetry's idol, society's chann, 
 The soldier's green laurel, *nd solitude's calm : 
 'Tis the patriot's pro bono, the preacher's best text, 
 This world's bright Elysium, that lures to the next!— 
 'Tis the fount of true feeling, and pity's deep sigh, 
 Resistless as woman's all-eloquent eye ! 
 Tis simplicity's crown, and the sophist's cold jest- 
 He may laugh, but ne'er lov'd, and his mirth is unblest! 
 'Tis the hymn of contentment, and hope's placid dream. 
 The sigh of the breeze, or the plaint of the stream ! 
 "lis the reign of young fancy, that heightens life's zest, 
 Whose bow, whilst it brightens, illumines the breast! — 
 'Tis a strange, nameless something: let savage or seer 
 Boldly challenge its power, they as blindly revere!— 
 'Tis the magic of beauty, the innocent's rest, 
 'Ere the heart is untun'd, or care's canker infest! 
 Tis heaven's first attribute, earth's chiefest boast, 
 Virtue's handmaid, worth's treasure, and wit's proudest toast' 
 
 'Tis But art may not feign such a delicate thing, 
 
 Yet, like me, most can feel, if unable to sing. 
 
 Though all language conspired, 'twould be still more or less, 
 
 And the symbol's unknown it could justly express! 
 
 Ask me ' Whence ?' Let her lip wreathe a smile, 'tis confest- 
 And its home the fond bosom of her I love best ! " 
 
 58 
 
FORTUNA, the goddess of fortune, represented with the horn of 
 plenty in one hand, and a wheel in the other, as an emblem of incon- 
 stancy, and signifying that it was impossible to say who would have 
 the horn next. 
 
 FORTUNATE INSULA, islands in the Atlantic, supposed to be 
 the Canaries. They were a sort of second-hand Elysium, with a fine 
 air, beautiful seats for the blessed, and delicious fruits that seemed 
 continually to say " come and eat me ! " The bird of paradise was 
 driven from this happy locality by the cuckoo strategics of the canary, 
 which has held titular possession ever since. 
 
 FOSS.E PHILISTINE, a mouth of the Po, from which the 
 earliest bulls were issued. Hence Bull-mouth, or Bull and Mouth. 
 
 FUFIDIUS, a wretched usurer, etc., satirized by Horace. I mil. on a 
 Suicide. 
 
 " A saveall to the last — he saved his fees ! — 
 
 The gravenian's or the hangman's: which you please." 
 
 FUSIA LEX, a law which forbade any person leaving more than 1000 
 asses, except under certain circumstances. The exceptions must have 
 been extremely numerous. 
 
 FURLE, three maiden ladies, who presided at the court of con- 
 science, and punished defendants by scaring them with lighted torches, 
 and shaking a very curious head of hair, called the serpentine peruke, 
 from its being composed of the choicest specimens of snakes and 
 serpents. They were the daughters of Nox and Acheron. Virgil 
 speaks of the " brown mother," and there can be little doubt of their 
 being an early type of zingari, and gaining distinction from some very 
 particular service. They had temples, but the people dared not look 
 at them, or mention the name of the family. If a man appeared in 
 court with " dirty hands," he went mad by prescription. They were 
 not handsome, and wore garments en suite. They sat round Pluto's 
 throne; and having dominion over the thoughts as well as the actions 
 of men, he called them his ministers of the interior. 
 
 FUSIUS, a Roman actor, who got fuddled during the performance, 
 and fell asleep. A ghost was to wake him, but couldn't. An apology 
 was demanded, which the ghost complied with, and very quietly walked 
 into his grave. 
 
§. 
 
 jALIENUS, a small emperor and a great buck. He 
 J powdered his hair with gold-dust, and was so cruel 
 
 P^^lii witt;V tliat he sent a coin - cli PP er t0 tne circus to be 
 ^™>" devoured by wild beasts : — a fine capon was produced, 
 and the delinquent compelled to eat his opponent! 
 
 The imperial joker died of a preparation of steel. 
 
 GABIENUS, a friend of Augustus, beheaded by S. Pompey. It is 
 maintained that he spoke after death. He followed the house-apothe- 
 cary's speech at a union -meeting? 
 
 GABII, a city of the Volsci, where Romulus and Remus went to 
 school. The inhabitants had a very peculiar mode of tucking up their 
 dress, and the authorities a very peculiar mocle of tucking up the 
 inhabitants. 
 
 GALATEA, a sea-nymph, who plighted her troth to the shepherd 
 Acis. Polyphemus in a fit of jealousy hurled a rock on the lover; 
 but his faithful Galatea took the pledge, and changed him into a 
 fountain. 
 
 GALENUS, a celebrated physician of Pergamus, and son of a 
 sculptor. His cures were attributed to magic, instead of a careful 
 study of Hippocrates. Galenus wrote 300 volumes, but they were 
 destroyed by fire. Many of his opinions were ill-founded, though 
 medicine owes him much in the vast result of a long and memorable 
 existence. 
 
 GALLONIUS, a gourmand who complained that he had no appe- 
 tite: the sot had swallowed it. 
 
 GALLUS, a namesake of the orator and bard, and only remarkable 
 for his unbounded conceit. He aped the beard and costume of the 
 poet, and, in looking Gallus, thought the identity could not be detected. 
 
 GAMMA, a woman of Galatia, who avenged her husband's murder 
 by getting up a sham-marriage with his murderer: the betrothed were 
 required to drink out of the same cup (poisoned by Gamma), and the 
 victim took the first pull; but the lady declined, as she never drank 
 except at meal-time. 
 
 GERYON, a celebrated monster and sheep-grazier, with a dog glory- 
 ing in the distinction of two heads. Geryon had three, and trunks to 
 fit; but, holding out for high prices, Hercules paid his sh i lling, and 
 visited tyke, and the three single gentlemen rolled into one. The 
 "big 'un" instantly recognized him as a notorious obstructive, knocked 
 the three lives out of him at one shot, and threw open the mutton- 
 market, 
 
GI CS^ GO 
 
 * 
 
 GIGANTES or GIANTS, said to be the sons of Tartarus and Terra, 
 as Gog and Magog prove, for one looks Terror itself, and the other a 
 perfect Tartar. They were celebrated for their height and strength, 
 wore an immense moustache reaching to their insteps, and earned a 
 sort of cup-and -ball walking-cane almost as thick as their heads. 
 Homer tells us that one of them measured nine acres in his 
 buskins. 
 
 GINDANES, a people of Lybia who fed on the leaves of the lotus. 
 Aug. tailors living upon cabbage. 
 
 GLAUCOPIS, a surname of Minerva, from the blueness of her eyes. 
 Bacchus got a similar distinction, from the redness of his nose. 
 
 GLAUCUS, a fisherman of Boeotia who had a good haul; but 
 directly the scaly things felt the grass they escaped into the water. 
 Glaucus however found out the secret, by tasting as well as feeling the 
 grass; and, willy-nilly, jumped into the sea after the runaways, where 
 he fell in love with a nereid, and gave up fishing. 
 
 GLYCEBA, a beautiful woman, who fascinated Phaon, and broke 
 Sappho's peace. The ferryman Phaon, of Mitylene, had caught the 
 eye of Venus, and she determined to make him the handsomest man 
 anywhere, by presenting him with a bottle of the h uile seraph ique. After 
 one application, Sappho saw the youth, and was undone. Glycera 
 met Sappho at whist.' and trumped her heart; Phaon finessed with 
 his honour; but, as Sappho couldn't follow suit, she threw up her cards, 
 and then threw herself down a precipice. 
 
 GOBDIUS, a charioteer and emperor, was famous for the knot with 
 which he fastened the draught-tree of his vehicle. The oracle pi-omised 
 the conquest of Asia to anyone who could find the ends, or untie it. 
 Alexander fancied lie could, but was obliged to cut it. 
 
 GOBGASUS, a man who received divine honours in Messenia. 
 Certainly not for the verses — 
 
 " And art thou then gone to thy rest? 
 
 Immortal though birds may not be, 
 Thou shalt live in the son-owing breast 
 
 So often enraptured by thee. 
 
 Thou shalt perch on a green mossy spray, 
 
 The spring-leaf shall light thy cold bed : 
 And Flora's first offering to May 
 
 Sweetly smile o'er thy beautiful head !— 
 
 Thy gay silken plumage still shine, 
 
 Though the song of thy gladness be o'er — 
 Thou shalt still be amongst us, — and mine 
 
 Tell of thee, and of fond hearts no morel- 
 Sweet minstrel! whose eloquent lay 
 
 Like Sympathy's sigh could impart 
 The music of Memory's day, 
 
 And echo it back to the heart I — 
 
 6] 
 
GO 
 
 GY 
 
 Gentle dove of my ark! with us dwell 
 
 Till death from this prison release — 
 To fancy still hymn our farewell, 
 
 And waft o'er the waters of peace! — 
 Pretty bird! not thy blameless career 
 
 Could shield thee from treachery's thrall: — 
 And poor tatter'd Worth, with a tear, 
 
 May picture his fate in thy fall ! " 
 
 GORGONES, three iron-hearted sisters, with brass hands, and teeth 
 like those of a wild boar. Eschylus says they had only one tooth and 
 one eye between them, which, like the one shirt amongst the strollers, 
 played ride- and-tie, until Perseus, taking advantage of Medusa re- 
 turning her eye to one of her sisters, struck off her head, and broke 
 her heart. 
 
 GORGONTUS, a man ridiculed for his modorous displays. He 
 scented so inordinately that his garments were saturated with faded 
 perfumes; which gave occasion for an emperor' exclaiming, when he 
 displayed his immaculate mouehoir at a presentation, " Gods ! what a 
 smell of anchovies!" 
 
 GRATIA, a town of Apulia, badly supplied with water, and not pos- 
 sessing the distinction of being well supplied with bad water. 
 
 GRYLLUS, one of the companions of Ulysses, who was changed 
 into a swine by Circe. He had an opportunity of resuming his human 
 form, but replied that he was very happy in his porcine state, and had 
 no care for an accidental promotion to the bacon-rack. 
 
 GYLIPPUS, a Lacedemonian, who was present with Lysander at 
 the taking of Athens. He was entrusted with the captured money-bags, 
 from which he stole three hundred talents, and disappeared. He was 
 too shrewd to trust himself with " all the talents." 
 
 GYMNASIUM, the Royal Amphitheatre of the Greeks, where a 
 variety of entertainments were produced for the gratification of all 
 classes of lookers-on. Philosophers dogmatized, poets sang, and 
 orators declaimed: dancing, wrestling, running, leaping, and boxing, 
 succeeded. They contended for victory, and death frequently ensued. 
 They fought naked, and anointed their bodies with oil to prevent 
 being easily grasped, as boys soap a pig's tail at a country-wake. 
 The victors claimed the sawdust, with liberty to sift. 
 
 GYNDES, a river of Assyria, in which a favourite horse of Cyrus 
 was drowned. This so incensed the conqueror, that he made 360 new 
 rivers out of the old one, and originated the New River Company. 
 
I 
 
 EBE, a daughter of Juno, and a native of Cos, whither 
 her mother removed in consequence of having longed 
 for a lettuce, in order that she might get it at first-hand. 
 Hebe was very beautiful, and Juno appointed her cup 
 (and saucer?) bearer to all the gods. She continued to 
 hand round the tea, until, stumbling against a carpet-stool, she upset 
 the cream-jug over the satin pants, of a gentleman high in power, and 
 was dismissed. Juno employed her on state occasions in harnessing 
 her peacocks, but once or twice forgetting the kicking-strap, she again 
 fell into disgrace. Hercules, when he came to his property, married 
 her, and answered to two sons, one of which she had by her, and the 
 other was sent out for. 
 
 HiEMUS, a stage-player who had twenty-three children, and said 
 to be very great in the Roman Father. 
 
 HALLSIUS, a river near Etna, where Proserpine was making a 
 daisy-chain when earned off by Pluto. 
 
 HALOMNESUS, an island on the coast of Macedonia inhabited 
 only by women, who had murdered all the males. The top lady wrote 
 a play on the occasion, entitled " Gentlemen, we can do without you." 
 
 HAMADRYADES, nymphs who lived in woods, and presided over 
 all sorts of trees — except boot-trees. 
 
 HECATE, an enchantress, and anything else, who had three flexible 
 heads with gutta-percha joints. She w r as very generally dreaded in 
 her native village, and was last seen in Macbeth. 
 
 HECTOR, the great Trojan leader, was lulled by Achilles, and 
 treated with great indignity. He was very fond of his wife Andro- 
 mache, who gave him a comfortable funeral. 
 
 HECUBA, a Thracian princess, was the second wife of Priam, and 
 the most unfortunate of mothers. Nearly all her sons fell at Troy. 
 After encountering a " sea of troubles," she attempted to revenge the 
 death of Polymnestor, but was prevented, and turned into a dog with 
 a most unwarrantable bark. She did not understand the language, 
 and threw herself into the river at a place called Cycneum or Barking. 
 
 HEGESIXOUS, a man who attempted a poem "On Attica," but had 
 only reached "0 Attic" — when he threw himself out of the garret 
 on a bag -piper, and both were killed. Verdict, "Chance medley, with 
 a deodand on the attic-window." 
 
 HEGISISTRATUS, an Ephesian, who consulted the oracle as to 
 where he should fix his residence. "Wherever you can find a house 
 rent-free," was the reply. After a very long search he succeeded — by 
 getting into the workhouse. 
 
HELENA, the most beautiful woman of her age, and the daughter 
 of Leda, who was egged on by Jupiter to go swan-hopping one after- 
 noon. At ten years old she ran away with two young fellows, but w as 
 brought back by her brothers, Castor and Pollux, quite safe. She 
 had a score of suitors, but only Menelaus suited, even unto wedlock. 
 Paiis visited her husband, and abused his hospitality: this led to the 
 Trojan war. After buffeting about amongst the Trojans for some 
 time, Paris was killed; Helen returned to her husband; and all was 
 forgiven. Menelaus died, and Helen was driven to Ehodes, where 
 Polyxe held rule, and whose husband had fallen at Troy. She took 
 revenge on Helen, and had her strangled. The victim had just taken 
 a bath ; and the assailants, giving her a bottle of bleaching-liquid, hung 
 her in her bathing-cap. 
 
 HELIOGABALUS, a very bad sort of emperor, who made his 
 grandmama president of the council, and his palace a bagnio. He 
 deified himself, raised his horse to the consulate, and died in a ditch ! 
 His successor (Severus) was a good companitui-picture. He wore 
 jewels in his shoes (diamond buckles?) and was the first Roman who 
 sported a silk gown (Q. C?) He invited people to dinner, and threw 
 them out of the dining-room window after the first course; or, trans 
 fixing them to a sort of wheel, during the dessert, a portion of his 
 guests were compelled to turn it: the emperor then took a whip, and 
 Hogging them, shouted " Pound with her, my boys, you shall all ride 
 next time ! " 
 
 HERACLEOTES, one of the disciples of Zeno, who believed that 
 pain was not an evil. A violent attack of toothache, however, shook 
 his faith very materially. The dentist advised him to part with his 
 summum bonum: he agreed, and found instant relief, rutting a little 
 salt on the stump he threw it into the fire, solemnly abjuring his 
 philosophy, and confessing to the necessity of calling things by their 
 right names. The ceremony was strictly private. 
 
 HERACLITUS, surnamed the weeping philosopher, was the son of 
 Hyson, but called, from his many puerilities, Hyson green. He was a 
 great grab, never gave a civil answer, and ate stubble like a goose, 
 which accounts for the same. He got dropsical, and buried himself in 
 a dunghill without any sensible effect. He then got savage, whistled 
 for spite, and went off in the whimpers. 
 
 HERCULES, a great hero and a god, took Jupiter thirty-six hours 
 to launch into the world in a manner becoming his exalted station. 
 He crushed serpents from his cradle, and went through his fabulous 
 labours with great eclat. Hercules carried out several very heavy "and 
 not very creditable love-affairs, in most of which he succeeded; but, 
 sighing for a change of linen, the only change he could not assume, 
 Dejanira sent him a poisoned vest without ahing it, and damped him 
 to death. The lady was jealous, and considered herself an injured 
 woman to the last. 
 
 64 
 
H E <CS£» H Y 
 
 HERILUS, the son of a nymph, and king of Prameste. As he had 
 three lives, Evander had to kill him three times to make a decent 
 murder of it. 
 
 HEEMIONE, a town of Argolis, where Ceres had a famous temple. 
 The descent to hell was such an easy distance, that Charon was 
 mulcted of his fees, and the road thrown open to the public. 
 
 HERO, a beautiful priestess of Venus, greatly enamoured of Lean- 
 der, a youth of Abydos. They lived on eaeh side of the Hellespont. 
 Xerxes had not then built his famous pontoon, and Leander was 
 obliged to swim over every night he went a wooing, Hero placing a 
 short-six in a situation admirably adapted for lighting his honour. 
 One fatal night, however, Leander went in without his corks, and was 
 drowned. Hero, all patience lost, put out the light, and went to bed 
 with the fishes. Neither Xerxes nor a noble poet, as well as the lovers, 
 owed the Hellespont anything. The conqueror, as well as the enthu- 
 siast, both put then- foot in it — one catching the horrors, and the other 
 the ague. 
 
 HOMER, a poesy-god, who wrote the Iliad and Odyssey, two pro- 
 ductions teeming with intellectual marvels and the triumphs of mind. 
 Nobody knows when or where he was born — when or where he was 
 buried! Alexander placed the Iliad by the side of his sword — twin- 
 spoils of conquest and immortality. The fame of Alexander may yet 
 lack a resting-place; but the inspirations of Homer, the living ex- 
 ponents of the human heart, shall respond to the harmonious sub- 
 limities of nature and of genius for ever. 
 
 HYMEN, the god of marriage, was handsome, but not rich. He 
 however thought proper to fall in love with a wealthy lady, and wouldn't 
 be said nay. He followed her about from place to place, and when his 
 love and a posse of other pretties were attacked by pirates, Hymen 
 contrived to murder them in their sleep, for which meritorious service 
 he had the promise to marry the object of his passion. This he did; 
 and has ever since been extremely popular amongst ladies afflicted with 
 dontknowhowishness. He used to ring the bells himself at marriage- 
 festivals, but afterwards appointed a proxy; and at length compromised 
 for a cut of mutton and capers with the rest of the ringers. 
 
 HYPSIPYLE, a queen of Lemnos, who, when the Lemnian women 
 resented desertion by then husbands, and murdered them, formed the 
 exception by sparing the life of Thoas. The Argonauts soon after 
 landed, and made most of them "honest women," according to the 
 calendar; but Hypsipyle being perhaps particularly honest, had twins, 
 and was sold for a slave. 
 
% 
 
 (says Eowley) was a priestess at Argos, and " nothing 
 particular;" according to two or three other authorities, 
 she was the daughter of two or three other persons 
 besides her mother, four at least of whom have been 
 assigned her, though not a word is said of her fore- 
 fathers. This smacks very much of " Rowley," as well as the illiberal 
 insinuation at the outset, and the indulgence in a talent with which he 
 was largely gifted — a sort of imaginative plethora, and given off in 
 what the Greeks not very inelegantly termed ya/xov. Gamon here 
 simply means fabulous; not so amongst the Jews, for one of their 
 popular snatches ends 
 
 " And they hung up Hamon 
 Without any gamon ; " 
 
 meaning that they really did throttle him. A similar carrying out of 
 the term has obtained amongst ourselves: we say gammon and spinach, 
 implying that gammon alone is not so well, but that gammon and 
 spinach is really very nice, and no mistake. Despite the lexicographers, 
 most persons are convinced that spinach is nothing more than the 
 well-known esculent, whilst gammon (not the gamon of Heigho! ) is 
 the notorious ban bouche of the farm-wife — a gammon of bacon, and 
 not the gamon of the famous conjuror or astrologer who delighted in 
 the name of Bacon some centuries since. All this apart, Io had the 
 questionable luck to engage the affections of Jupiter, a married man. 
 Mrs. Jupiter, having a touch of the tingles, followed, and surprised 
 the young priestess standing up under a gateway from a drizzling rain, 
 (which the lover had ordered to drizzle, with a thick mist, to mystify his 
 wife,) but J. turned I. into a beautiful heifer. Mrs. J., however, found 
 out the whole thing ; and persuading her husband to send his pet to the 
 cattle-show, where he would be sure to carry off the first gold medal, 
 bought her over his head. Juno then put her into a large paddock, 
 and sent an insect to sting her from time to time, with Argus for her 
 keeper. Jupiter at length pitying the poor girl, sent Mercury to 
 restore Io, which he did by drugging Argus, and throwing him into a 
 fit of the snoozles for a limited number of nights. Io in the end got 
 her shape and make ; and went to an anatomical stay-maker to keep 
 Iter all right and secure from " sudden changes" of the atmosphere, or 
 anything else. She had scarcely cried Io for a husband.' when she got 
 one, there and then; and very soon afterwards, another, not there and 
 then : but they both treated her very coldly, and she was worshipped 
 under the name of Isis in lieu of a pension. 
 
 IPHICEATES, an Athenian general, being reproached for his low 
 origin, said he would be the first of his family, but his detractor the 
 last of his own. 
 
INO, the nurse of Bacchus, and an unlucky woman. Juno became 
 jealous .it' Ino, and hugging herself in the success of all sorts of per- 
 secutions, said for the thousandth time, "7 know!" Ino knew it 
 was know-go; and, leaving all her ready money to the sisters of the 
 Royal Flannel Fraternity, threw herself into the sea. 
 
 ION, an enterprising young fellow with very good hair, built a city, 
 and called the inhabitants Ionians, and afterwards IoM-nians, from 
 their unanimity — in forgetting to pay. A poet of Chios wrote a tragedy 
 entitled Ion, full of flowers and prettiness. On the first night the per- 
 formance was so late that no refreshment could be obtained; and the 
 author remarked, "Ah! my kind audience are treated like ostriches: 
 they have been swallowing Ion for hours, and are sent home to sup 
 upon sentiment." 
 
 IONES, or JONES, a name originally given to the subjects of Ion, 
 and formed by that name, and es, Lat. " thou art," i. e. Ion, thou art 
 Jones. Ion or Jones beat Eumolpus; and was a more fortunate fellow 
 than his descendant Benjamin. 
 
 " Mr. Benjamin Jones, a first-rate young fellow, 
 
 Was born at A 1, in Great Turnagain-lane ; 
 His pa. an ex-postboy, his ma. was a seller 
 
 Of edibles, brick-dust, and elecampane ! 
 When sent to Sepulchre's, he beat all the skulkers 
 
 At learning, and laughed at the grey-coated drones : 
 Was launched into life with a large bran-new bible, 
 
 And long leather breeches — young Benjamin Jones. 
 
 Now Ben was thought handsome, at least by his mother, 
 
 Her judgment in bull's-eyes sure no one denies; 
 His head round and snobby, his nose very nobby ! — 
 
 A study for Bacon and Behues likewise; — 
 His hair lank and glossy, Boss would shriek out " Jmpossi- 
 
 Ble ! naught is so sweet through the breadth of the zones ! " 
 Though to plain-sighted people, a huge roll-and-treacle 
 
 Seemed the beautiful eaput of Benjamin Jones. 
 
 Though never a small boy, Ben now grown a tall boy, 
 
 Read Oliver Ticist, saw the What! and What-nots! 
 For Bulwer soon bartered his bible and breeches, 
 
 Lost leather in finding the loyic of Watts ! 
 He'd a large stock of satin, a larger of Latin — 
 
 To six languages only he modestly owns : 
 Though the six tongues (such want is!) for one tongue of Cantis 
 
 He'd have given, to wag his own — Benjamin Jone3 ! 
 
 A la Linkum Feedle, Ben lounged at the Eagle, 
 
 Quizzed the statues, took winkles, and whity-brown drinks : 
 Eyed Hebe; and then nosing Eve at the Fountain, 
 
 Cried " D — e ! " and pelted the Venus with winks ! 
 At the Albert and Conduit he stared like a pundit, 
 
 Hissed Hamlet, but threw at La Danseuse bon-bons: 
 Did the Dando at H.'s, tried it on, but the Graces 
 
 Kicked him out of Elysium — slap Benjamin Jones! 
 
Ben talked Alma Mater, and, turned literateur, 
 
 He wrote for the Mags, but the mags wouldn't come! 
 Gave the Pennies a topper, in "Blood's 'Bakkerstopper! — 
 
 " The Gibbet— the Gaol— Jerry Abershaw's Thumb!" 
 His "Venus Detected!" and " Woman Bis ted! 
 
 Made Holywell-street shirk its dirty old crones: 
 Then he capered through Kock, or the filthier Faublas ! — 
 
 Still 'l was capers sans mouton to Benjamin Jones! 
 
 Ben finding it so easy, lectured on Poesy, 
 
 Proved diluvian Britain the classic retreat 
 Of Homer, who stepped from a cock-boat at Cromer, 
 
 Came to town, taught a Blind School, and died in Greek-stvoet ' 
 And strangling the Muses in pen-and-ink nooses, 
 
 For Nhakspeare and Milton he found out Malones — 
 Scrawled Art, Science, Music, would make a Dutch Jew sick — 
 
 Nux vomiea — even for Benjamin Jones! 
 
 Ben still ply'd his no-skill, and nibbed a new crow-quill, 
 
 Wrote all sorts of nothing, and sold by the lump — 
 Tried Moses— but Moses replied ' Ve of Hallgate 
 
 1 Have no need to travel so far for a pump ! ' 
 Then he went for the skin-wigs, corazzas, and cubebs, 
 
 And sang all the soaps in the sweetest of tones — 
 But the quacks had no bowels — the ugly wet towels 
 
 Forgot that the poet had— Benjamin Jones! 
 
 Ben then made a fly at, he once had a shy at 
 
 The drama — made managers swallow their leek — 
 He'd hear of no parley 'twixt Farley and Harley, 
 
 And hung up Macready full six times a-week! 
 All opera rating, Italians sore hating, 
 
 For bread in pure spite he 'd^ have given them stones: 
 Though he looked sleek as Jim Silk— a full-length in skim -milk— 
 
 They black-balled at the Destitute— Benjamin Jones! 
 
 Ben's lamp dimly burning, yet bent upon earning 
 
 A name, he still argued I would if I could— 
 There's the News Illustrated, and Punch over-rated, 
 
 Take wine — though their wine like their wit's in the irood ! 
 He started a Planet, but never could man it, 
 
 Like the Great Bell of Paul it struck one — to the groans 
 Of the golden goose moulted — the Planet had bolted — 
 
 With all the bright visions of Benjamin Jones! 
 
 Hence Youth take a lesson : — When Folly would press on, 
 
 Take counsel and pause, 'tis disease of the brain !— 
 Ben sighed that he e'er spumed his long leather-breeches, 
 
 Nor, like Whittington, stuck to Great Tnrnagam-lane ! — 
 In the House, Ben at length found that Union's not strength — 
 
 Come, Pell, play his requiem — but muffle the bones — 
 Like the fossil frog natal, relief proved but fatal — 
 
 And he died of a skilly — poor Benjamin Jones!" 
 
 ISMENIAS, a Theban general sent on an embassy to Persia, who 
 avoided prostration before the king by dropping his toothpick and 
 stooping to pick it up: this was taken as a mark of extreme homage, 
 and the old soldier "backed out" with unusual eclat. 
 
 GS 
 
IXION, a king of Thessaly, married Dia, and murdered her father. 
 Being shunned hy Ids fellow-princes, Jupiter gave him a situation; but, 
 looking very hold at Juno, she told her husband, and the ingrate was 
 tied to a wheel which was kept in a perpetual wind. 
 
 ISIS, a celebrated deity of the Egyptians, who married Osiris, and 
 they reigned conjointly, until Typhon threw him over. They were 
 both fond of farming, and must have had a good patch of grazing 
 land, as the ox and the cow are constantly addressed by the Egyptians 
 in their ceremonies; and the Nile was formed of the tears of Isis, in 
 her widowhood, for the benefit of the agricultural interest. Isis had 
 numerous temples, and was acknowledged to possess within herself 
 past, present, and to come, none daring to make her afraid. The 
 priests shaved then- heads, wore paper shoes, and linen paletots, as 
 spotless as their reputation for chastity. They were not permitted to 
 eat onions: that fragrant condiment, sage-and-onions, and salt, were 
 heterodox, and sage was the solitary privilege. They had a dog- 
 divinity whom they named Barker! Cleopatra dressed in black, put a 
 horn on her head, and affected to be a second Isis. The Isis medal is 
 a later trophy. 
 
 JAMID.E was left a prophet by his father's will, and edited the 
 Eighth Trumpet. He kept a little astrology-shop in the New Cut; and 
 when people complained of his predictions, he challenged them to 
 produce their receipts, and told them in very obsolete Greek to call 
 again yesterday. 
 
 JANUS, the first king of Italy, and giving name to the first month 
 of the year. He was very thick with Saturn, and, having two faces, 
 could afford to countenance some one. An oppositionist called a tory 
 Bifrons, from a similar attribute, which so displeased the ministers of 
 Janus, that they instantly introduced a bill on the subject, and having 
 carried it by a majority of four, they endowed the monarch with that 
 number of heads, implying that he could smile on at least four of 
 them at a time. 
 
 JANICULUM, one of the seven hills of Rome, rigged-out for 
 patriotic meetings, and surrounded by an immense sink-trap or ditch, 
 for disposing of the previous question. 
 
 JARCHAS, proprietor of the seven famous rings for touching old 
 men in the staggers. Immediately after the shock, they found them- 
 selves walking out " in the morning of life," without an umbrella, and 
 enquiring "whence the charming bloom ?" They were referred to several 
 silent friends, who couldn't tell them. The ceremony was rather cha- 
 racteristic: the patient, placing his index-finger on the forehead, said, 
 after the manipulator, " Knock and ring!" If the oracle replied, which 
 it always did to make things agreeable, "Empty!" the ring was im- 
 mediately tried on, the money paid, and rejuveniscence blessed the 
 happy recipient. 
 
 CO 
 
JASON, a rather extraordinary young man, connected with the 
 " Golden Fleece and the Argonauts," where perhaps they put up. He 
 came to a swollen river, and having lost one of hi-? sandals, Juno, in 
 the guise of an old woman, carried him over, singing 
 
 " One shoe off, and one shoe on, 
 Diddle-diddle dumpty— my Ja-son!" 
 
 The people stared, as well they might, for Jason directly afterwards 
 demanded the kingdom of one Pelias, although lie had but a shoe to 
 his foot. Pelias, however, who had been forewarned, played butty; 
 ami if it had not been for Medea, a celebrated herbwoman, and a 
 mother, who fell in love with him, Jason would have been diddled. 
 Medea gave him all sorts of impossible tasks: be ploughed with mad 
 bulls, sowed dragon's teeth, l-dlled a whole army with a single stone, 
 and fleeced the golden fleece. Medea continued to do the heycochalorum 
 with great credit. She made soup Jullien of an old gentleman whom 
 she had promised to turn out "a boy again;" but was soon afterwards 
 arrested for infanticide. Jason was one day leaning against an old 
 "sheer hulk," when a beam fell, and threw him on his beam-ends. 
 The last words he uttered, it is supposed in allusion to the fleece 
 robbery, were "Ah! go not!" But he did go; and there was an end 
 of him. 
 
 JUNO, a tip-top deity, daughter of Saturn and Ops, (which signifies 
 that she was born on a Saturday night,) and sister to Jupiter, and a 
 thundering lot of second-rates. She was beautiful and accomplished, 
 and made the most of both: her father eat her up, but the apothecary 
 put Juno on her legs again, by producing her for a large bully-stone, 
 which Saturn had swallowed instead of his son and heir. None of the 
 family were over-moral, but their giulibility was rather remarkable. 
 Jupiter gulled his own sister in the shape of a cuckoo, got up a portable 
 stock of wind and rain, and presented himself in the dead of the night, 
 knocking and awaking her with the noise : 
 
 " She opened the door, sat him down by her side, 
 And with a warm napkin the wet from him dried, 
 He shivered all o'er." 
 
 She had wrapped his feet in her flannel nightcap, and was preparing 
 to strike alight, when (oh! the ingratitude of people moving in the 
 higher circles), be started up in his own proper self, muffled the 
 
 tinder box with her Welsh super, and erring "Flannel be d d, and 
 
 my dulling for ever!" behaved in a manner highly becoming the most 
 objectionable of all the "299 Jupiters then litigating the title. It is true 
 that the catastrophe of the tinder-box was assisted by a match, but 
 such a match as no prudent woman could sanction; and Cbelone pro- 
 tested against it, though " all creation," man and brute, assisted at the 
 nuptials. Poor Ghelone was changed into a tortoise, and condemned 
 to perpetual silence — the original and only silent woman. Juno, by 
 
JU 
 
 her marriage, succeeded to great power, and the immense estate called 
 Heaven and Earth. She had several slap-up children, but was far 
 from happy, as Jupiter was so provokingly fond of cherry-ripe. She 
 however shewed the yellow, and peppered Hercules and Paris very 
 considerably, resulting in stiff-neck, and the Trojan war. Jupiter still 
 kept bad hours — so Juno gave it up. Walking in the garden for a 
 mouthful of air, she noticed a particular plant, which she smelt, and 
 up started Vulcan, a very fine square-built black-muzzled fellow, whom 
 she whipped into the tidy-basket, and labelled it " Game — to be left till 
 called for ! " She then put up a bill, let her best bed-room, and bolted. 
 Some mythologists give another version of the story. Juno, it is said, 
 was taking lettuce, or a lobster-salad, with Apollo, when, leaving the 
 mustard-pot uncovered, Mars sprang out of it in a full suit of armour 
 of the time, and was made a field-marshal on the spot, but only re- 
 ceived the baton with his first quarter's salary. Juno having thus tied 
 her inconstant in the Minerva affair, the Thunderer turned uncommonly 
 glum : he got her home again, and treated her " shameful." He drove a 
 nail in the zenith, and suspended her by a chain with an anvil attached 
 to her feet, and condemned Vulcan to work at the said anvil; and, 
 because he couldn't, he was kicked into eternity, and broke his leg by 
 the fall. Juno had him up for the assault, but he moved the court, 
 burying their worships in the ruins. The place was afterwards called 
 Worships' treat! Juno was very fond of flowers, and changed the 
 colour of the lily from purple to white by an order in council. She 
 also established the lactea via, or first milk-walk; and took out a patent 
 for an improved description of thunder, warranted to keep in any 
 climate, but reserved by her expressly for chamber-practice. Juno had 
 several temples, one of which was inscribed "Advance/" which has 
 been ill-naturedly translated " Pay here !" 
 
 JUPITEE, one of 300 gods of the same name, and the Thunderer. 
 When an infant Jupiter had a narrow escape, for Saturn, having got a 
 large slice of territory conditionally that he reared no male children, 
 devoured all his little boys at once: but Mrs. Saturn alias Ops, taking 
 it into her head that the infant Jupiter should be saved, dressed up a 
 stone as a dummy, and the brute swallowed it for a real "babby:" 
 he was exceedingly gravelled, but nobody pitied him. Jupiter was 
 scarcely out of his pap, and certainly not breeched, when he made war 
 against the Titans, who bad imprisoned his father, beat them, and 
 liberated the old gentleman. Saturn was not half grateful enough, for 
 he plotted against his champion, who was obliged to turn him into 
 Latium, and seized the empire, giving his brothers their thirds. He 
 kept the metropolis for himself, and sent Neptune to sea, and Pluto to 
 — oh! Presently the war-cry of fee -fate -firm was raised, and a posse 
 of over-grown ill-blooded louts called giants declared war against the 
 governor, and played hell-and-tommy with the concern, junior partners 
 and all: they made scaling-ladders of rocks and mountains, and beat 
 
the garrison to a stand-still. With the assistance of Hercules, how- 
 ever, he gave the giants the go-by, and cut them into shivers. Jupiter 
 now went upon town: he set up seven broughams with seven insides 
 (which lie called bis fair), and took a round dozen of wives, and as 
 many shapes, to carry on bis dbngiovaniisms with impunity. He had 
 a large family of children, yet completely obfuscated all the nice 
 young maidens in town for the season, or for shopping. He lived in a 
 state of continual warfare; but bis end was brilliant. He ordered 
 Vulcan to open Ms head (be bad previously opened his heart), and out 
 sprang the goddess of Wisdom, armed cap-a-pie— 
 
 ■■ A thhi'_' eonsidt-red rather rare : 
 And how the devil came she there?" 
 
 The Cretans, in their statues of Jupiter, cut off both his ears, in order 
 that he might not be partial, but rather hear both sides without them. 
 The Lacedemonians gave him four heads (eight ears), in order tbat he 
 might conveniently hear the complaints of the ,fonr quarters of the 
 globe— using one at a time, and keeping seven in the cupboard always 
 ready for immediate use.— The power of Minerva was great, indeed 
 second only to that of Jupiter. She could throw thunder-bolts (if 
 stamped), prolong life, or manufacture prophets. She presented the 
 olive to mankind, and incorporated the Peace-broker's Company. 
 Minerva resolutely withstood the advances of Vulcan, who claimed 
 her hand in virtue of Jupiter's promise to give him his favorite in 
 exchange for a suit of amioiu'. Vulcan assaulted the goddess, and 
 even left marks of violence, from which sprang a "little stranger," 
 who was immediately wrapped up in a blanket, and sent to the 
 Foundling. The banns were forbid, and the affair went off altog< ther. 
 Minerva was the first shipbuilder, a capital horse-rider, and a gene- 
 ralissimo in right of her grandmother. She was fond of the flute, but 
 "made mouths" whilst playing, and threw it away. She patronized 
 artists, especially those "who painted from nature," merely requesting 
 them to state how far, to prevent inconvenience; and broke an A.E.A. 
 for representing Jupiter in thunder-and-lightning stockings! 
 
 JUVENALIS (Decius Junius), a celebrated satirist, and the last of 
 the Roman poets. He attacked the favourite of Nero, yet escaped the 
 fangs of that man-scoui'ge ; though Domitian, in the spirit of intrigue, 
 expatriated the old man, and he died at four-score. Juvenal lashed the 
 rices and follies of his age — certainly not with a rod of feathers. 
 
I. 
 
 ABERIUS, a Roman knight and pantomime poet. Ca±sar 
 made him appear on the stage, but took nothing by 
 his motion. Laberius called Cassar a tyrant to bis 
 face, and held him up to the execration of the audi- 
 ence. The poet, however, lost his knighthood as well 
 as his temper. 
 
 LABDA, daughter of one of the Bacchiadre, and born lame. She 
 was privileged at great festivals to appoint a priest or frere as her 
 crutch-bearer; and hence perhaps Crutched Friars. 
 
 LABEO (Actius), a poet who murdered Homer in Latin: only one 
 line of it is preserved, quite as much as Labeo ought to have expected. 
 It is not true that he is guilty of — 
 
 " Poets have at length found out 
 
 That Venus was a Tlieogon — 
 1st — proving past all doubt — 
 
 The goddess had more gods than one." 
 
 LABRADEUS, a surname of Jupiter, from the circumstance of his 
 statue in Caria holding a hatchet, apparently with the intention of 
 throwing it. 
 
 LABYRINTHUS, a magnificent building, so contrived that egress 
 was extremely difficult. Those of Crete and Lemnos were the most 
 famous, and devoted to the sepulture of kings and crocodiles. One of 
 them contained 3000 chambers, and 1500 attics. The basement was 
 fitted as a sort of theatre, with tiers for mourners, and where the 
 funerals were performed. 
 
 LACHES, applied to a lapsus amongst lawyers, when they forget to 
 charge the odd 6s. 8d., and which leaves the account open — for ever. 
 
 LACIDAS, a philosopher of Cyrene, greatly esteemed by Attalus, 
 who gave him a garden for his study. He taught his disciples never 
 to speak decisively, and buried a favourite goose with jurisprudential 
 honours, to spite a young advocate who had given an early though 
 just opinion on an important question. He died a drunkard. 
 
 LACINIA, a surame of Juno, from her temple at Lacinium, at the 
 altar of which were ashes which the wind could not blow away. Did 
 they raise the wind, and try? 
 
 LAMIiE, a set of unfeeling monsters, with the face of a woman 
 and the tail of a serpent, who devoured men, women, and children 
 without the least compunction, though notoriously the most bilious of 
 vagabonds. Their language was peculiar, and in which the letter s 
 must have played a prominent part, for men, things, time, and action, 
 were but so many modifications of a hiss. 
 
L A $&&•!& L E 
 
 LAIS, a very beautiful woman, who had a son named Laison, and a 
 lover named Demosthenes, though the latter objected to the unpre- 
 tending item of 300/. for wax-lights. Lais, however, did not dislike 
 Diogenes, with all his dirt, and used to boast that she could fill his 
 tub with a pearl for every oyster. When she first blushed at Corinth 
 she took 10000 drams, and was none the worse for it. Lais treated 
 philosophers with the greatest contempt, and jocosely called Diogenes 
 her Corinthian Tom: she cared nothing about Logic, and Jemmy 
 Green would have stood no chance with her. The women, however, 
 got jealous, and hugged her to death in the temple of Venus; — a 
 memorable instance of the danger of being uncommonly happy, and 
 forgetting the tempus fug it. 
 
 LAMBIUS, an unfortunate river that fell into the Po. 
 
 LAMIACTJM BELLUM, a war incited by the Greek orators against 
 the Macedonian ruler. In the end Demosthenes ran away and 
 poisoned himself, whilst Hyperides had his tongue cut out. So much 
 for popular eloquence ! 
 
 LAMPETIA, a daughter of Apollo, who guarded her father's flock 
 when Ulysses arrived off Sicily. His companions being hungry, lauded 
 and slew and cooked a lamb for supper, not knowing that the grazier 
 was a god. Lampetia complained to Jupiter, who, when the "jemmy" 
 was put into the pot, caused it to send forth such frightful bowlings 
 that the fellows ran away: and lamb's-head and pluck were evidently 
 not theirs, on this occasion at least. 
 
 LAOCOON, a great name in the "gallery." He killed an ox, and 
 invited Neptune to dinner, but two serpents rushed in for the first cut, 
 and squeezed the host and his sons flat. The subject has furnished 
 one of the noblest sculptures of antiquity. 
 
 LAKES, household gods who presided over the biggest boy and the 
 bread-basket: hence household bread. They were like monkeys, fre- 
 quently portraits of elder sons, and hung up behind the door till j 
 ; required to make themselves generally useful, which prevented frequent 
 removals. 
 
 LASUS, a poet who wrote an hymn to Ceres without inserting the 
 letter s. He had a great objection to the sibillatory properties of that 
 crooked symbol, and predicted he would never go straight, from having 
 i once been soundly hissed at the Olympic games. 
 
 LEDA, a married daughter of king Thespius, on whom Jupiter 
 played a cowardly trick, for he inveigled his wife into the scheme. 
 
 i Jupiter turned out as a swan, whilst he induced Juno to appear as an y 
 a eagle, and give him chase. Leda innocently sheltered the swan; and 
 a the consequence was — but nobody believes it. There are two tales 
 I about the affair; yet as neither of them seem over-probable, it may be 
 , as well to hang the mystery on the family-tree of the swan with two 
 [ necks. 
 
 74 
 
L E 
 
 LELAPS, a dog that seized and conquered every animal be was 
 ordered to pursue, with one exception— a Yorkshireman. 
 
 LEMNOS, an island in the Mgean sea, where Vulcan fell when 
 * kicked out of heaven. It was celebrated as containing the principal 
 5 smithy of that very original smith, a temple to his smithship, and for 
 5 the inhabitants being all blacksmiths. 
 
 LGENA, the mistress of Harmodius, bit off her tongue to prevent 
 her divulging a conspiracy. Pathologically Lcena was right both in 
 diagnosis and treatment. 
 
 LEONID AS, a celebrated Spartan leader, who told his men to take 
 a good dinner before they began to fight, as they would sup with Pluto; 
 but he did not tell them what they were to have for supper. 
 
 LEONTIUM, a famous follower of Epicurus, an elegant authoress, 
 and something else. 
 
 LIG-UEINUS, a poet, who had several unauthorized pieces foisted 
 on him. This is "too had." 
 
 " O, Love is an archer! an i flies to and fro, 
 I'neiring his aim when he lifts the bright bow, 
 With a smile on his lip ! Be advised by mama, 
 Nor list, silly maiden, his light lAra-la .' 
 
 0, Love is a minstrel ! so joyous his theme, 
 'Twould break the dull spell of an anchorite's dream ! 
 But the gentlest of music one discord will mar — 
 Then mark well the time of his light Lim-hi .' 
 
 0, Love is a bridling! and tracks the wild bee, 
 Or lurks 'neath a flower, or some fan- greenwood tree ! 
 Less subtle the truant, Love wounds from ifar, 
 And deadly the sting of his light Lira-la ! 
 
 0, Love is a god!— no disguise < 
 Or his golden shaft wings in the sunshine or storm. 
 When he links two fond hearts — nor adversity mar — 
 The song of the blest is his sweet Lira-la ! 
 
 LICINUS, a barber, raised to the rank of senator by Augustus, 
 because he hated Porupey ! 
 
 LICINIUS, the first plebeian who was made consul by virtue of his 
 
 own enactment. He was named Stolo ( useless sprout) on account of a 
 
 silly law which he made. The pecidating or corrupt magistrate, again, 
 
 \ was called a cabbage- sprout, and became indigenous to many other 
 
 ; nations at a very early period. 
 
 L LINUS, a name common to persons whose history is confused, and 
 
 I. often taken one for another: er. Julius Gsesar for Jack the Giant-killer, 
 \L or Jonathan Wild for Joseph Adey. One of the name taught music to 
 ll|f Hercules, whose touch was not particularly light; and Linus, having 
 ill] faintly insinuated that he handled the lyre as a bear would a flute, the 
 ni pupil knocked the master down, and he never got up again. 
 
LU 
 
 LUCAN, a youthful poet, and author of Pharsalia, who had the 
 misfortune to be patronised by an emperor. Nero used to sing-song 
 himself, and got up a thing called Niobe, whilst Lnean challenged him 
 in Orpheus. Nero accused his rival of punning, or arranging certain 
 words for covert objects: thus, Lucan insinuated that Niobe was a 
 first-rate sandal-stitcher, and very Niobe, which might be turned out 
 of the Greek into " very nigh Hoby," though neither Pharsalia nor 
 Piccadilly are absolutely indicated. Nero did not retaliate in the 
 same spirit, by calling Orpheus a boot-closer, but accorded Lucan the 
 victory, and a ticket of leave— to hang himself. He chose drowning, 
 and took a vapour-bath to that effect, in the 2Gth year of his age. 
 
 LUCIANUS, a celebrated writer, who, studying the law, was so dis- 
 gusted at its licensed quibbles, that he went to Athens, got into the 
 excise, and wrote his famous Dialogues. He dramatised Pandemonium, 
 and made his master perpetual president, 
 
 LUNA (the moon), was worshipped very generally by the ancient 
 inhabitants of the earth. The young May-moon was not known at 
 that time of day; hut the harvest-moon received especial honours: the 
 gentlemen-magi in Thessaly who undertook to keep it in repair and as 
 bright as silver, made a sort of crepitating noise, when the devotees 
 danced like the very deuce, and were called luna-ticks; — a name still 
 retained for all sorts of wind-gazers invoiced to various suburban re- 
 treats, for the benefit of the survivors. The Arcadians believed they 
 were much older than the moon, though they never could find out 
 her age, nor even when she attained her majority. 
 
 LUCIFEE, the name of the'planet Venus, though that erratic lady 
 never could plan it to make a match, even with her own namesake. 
 
 LYCORIS, a beautiful and naughty woman, who made the poet 
 Gallus wild. She also astonished Antony, and touched the Spanish to 
 some tune. Cleopatra, however, took the edge off her arrow. Lycoris 
 predicted poverty and defeat to her lover, and boasted that her rival 
 might be the Roman, but she was the Spanish Lycoris. 
 
 LYCEUM, a beautiful spot on the Ilissus, where Aristotle taught 
 philosophy and walking (ambulo), as medical students walk the hospitals. 
 The exercise was severe. Some one called umbrellas walking-sticks in 
 petticoats, and applied the epithet to the lanky fags of the Lyceum. 
 
 LYCON, a player greatly esteemed by Alexander, who enquired how 
 it was that a certain actor excelled in personating zanies. "Because," 
 said Lycon, " nature is stronger than art." 
 
 ?G 
 
n. 
 
 /EYIUS, a cold and ill-natured poet in the time of Au- 
 gustus. Virgil and Horace have branded the grub; and 
 succeeding satirists have not forgotten him, asserting 
 that, if he ever visited Hippocrene, his draughts must 
 have been very shallow, and the beverage chilly vinegar. 
 
 MAGI, the great demi-gods of learning in the east. They worship- 
 ped fire, and acknowledged the principles of good and evil. They 
 were great in eclipses, and did a little fortune-telling; but were not at 
 all connected with the impostors called magicians and wizards. 
 
 MAGNENTIUS, known only for his tyranny, and being the first 
 Christian king-killer. 
 
 MAGNES, a young man who was brought to a dead lock by the nails 
 in his shoes being magnetized as he passed an iron-mine. Hence 
 animal magnetism. 
 
 MAGNESIA, a town near Ephesus, and celebrated for a great battle 
 and the death of Themistocles. It has not a single river, and is cer- 
 tainly unconnected with the fluid magnesia. 
 
 MAMURRA, a Roman knight who greatly enriched himself in the 
 wars of Gaul. He built a magnificent palace, but went melancholy; 
 and Catullus ridicules him for having " dreamt that he dwelt in marble 
 halls," when his wealth was traced to Gaul and bitterness of spirit. 
 
 MANES, deities presiding over the monuments and burying-places 
 of the dead. The Eomans inscribed their tombs d.m. dis manibus, or 
 disturb not the dead: so the epitaph on Diomed's horses, "peace to 
 then manes!" 
 
 MARICUS, a man of distinction thrown to lions, but they refused 
 to have him. It is not known who got the lion's share. 
 
 MARS, the god of war, was a great goer in his time, and a dis- 
 tinguished lady's man. Vulcan tripped him up with Venus, and posted 
 him at the head inn; he however went on, nothing coming a miss to 
 him that didn't go amiss from him, until he fell into the hands of the 
 Titans, who gave him a twelvemonth's imprisonment. He then went 
 against the Trojans, and got beat. Suspecting foul play, he hastily flew 
 " up stairs," and complained of Minerva to Jupiter. Mars had several 
 temples, a good staff of priests, and a large family, most of whom dis- 
 appeared very mysteriously : foul play was hinted at, but the murderer 
 of the Marrs was never discovered. 
 
 MASSYLA, a place near Mount Atlas, where the inhabitants rode 
 then- horses without saddle or bridle: they carried a stick only, which 
 it is presumed enabled them to stick on. 
 
MA 
 
 MARTIALTS, " a good, bad, and indifferent" poet, who proved in- 
 grate to his benefactor, and was despised by his successor. He excelled 
 in point, sometimes degenerating into the puniest of puns. He praised 
 in epigram, prayed in epigram, begged in epigram, and "barked" (as 
 Scaliger said of Lucian) in epigram. No writer has had more imitators 
 or rather followers (at an immense distance) than Martial, but most 
 of them have merely illustrated his greatest infirmity as a satirist, and 
 the mala plura may be found in company with the veriest mediocre. 
 The epitaphs on a whist-player, and a "rig'lar," if not the lines on the 
 cream -of-the-valley classic, are perhaps older than imagined. 
 
 He awaits the last Trump ! 
 
 " Prepare to die with all thy strength : 
 Like me thou shall be dust at length!' 
 
 " He did the Inferno into fritters:— 
 Swamped hell itself with gin and bitters '. " 
 
 IV. 
 
 " With pious care he guards his nous : 
 We always lock an empty house!" 
 
 v. 
 " My jests I write to please the throng : 
 They must be broad. — But why so long?" 
 
 VI. 
 
 " "Tis heavenly music all declare. 
 Doubtless — for they must hear it there '." 
 
 _. VII. 
 
 " Julia, the true faith adorning, 
 
 Counts her beads at night and morning." 
 
 VIII. 
 
 " Art thou afraid some pilfering knave 
 May steal the little wit you have ? 
 Transfer it to the civic chair, 
 He'll never think of looking there!" 
 
 rx. 
 " Remembering all thy ponderous talks, 
 
 Who links the lawyer with Lord ? 
 
 From herald-law let Truth appeal, 
 And blazon hence Lord Say and Seal!" 
 
 " Death warns us— and in Virtue's ways 
 
 We henceforth vow to live : 
 The miser's hand is thus unclenched 
 
 When he has nought to give ! " 
 
 XI. 
 
 " Need mathematicians have laboured in vaiu 
 In squaring the circle? 'Tis done — star a pane 
 In parlour or kitchen, 
 Chance sometimes will hitch in 
 A radius as true as when figures befriend it — 
 The process is— send for a glazier to mend it." 
 
MARSYAS, a celebrated flutist who had the temerity to challenge 
 Apollo at tootle-too; but was beaten, and sentenced to be flead alive 
 until he was dead. This was done, and Marsyas's skin exhibited in 
 the shape of a bladder, indicating that his style was artificial and in- 
 flated. Apollo inflicted the punishment; but it is asserted that a 
 favourite chorus-girl of Marsyas contrived to cut the string, and the 
 operator flead as it were a shadow. 
 
 MASLNISSA, an African king and ally of Carthage, who joined the 
 Romans, in consequence of the generous conduct of the first Africanus 
 to his nephew. He left fifty four sons, and celebrated his last great 
 victory by a hearty meal of brown-bread! Like the monarch in the 
 Place de Spitsputter, he was known to sit for days and nights on horse- 
 back, without a saddle under him, or a covering upon his head, and 
 never exhibited the least symptom of fatigue or anxiety until the turn- 
 cock made his appearance to take out the spigot, and "enfranchise" 
 the national squirts. 
 
 MAUSOLUS, a king of Caria, whose wife affectionately swallowed 
 his ashes. She however soon threw away "the dead-man's cap," as 
 a counter-stimulant. 
 
 MECiENAS, a Roman knight, and a great encourager of poetry and 
 princely amusements. He was a first rate trencher-man, restored 
 Virgil to his estate, and got Horace out of a conspiracy. Mecamas 
 had great influence over Augustus, and once summoned him from the 
 judgment-seat, seeing he was in anger, by writing on a slip of paper 
 "Disgustus, descend!" The emperor felt and forgave the reproof, and 
 the prisoners were discharged by proclamation. 
 
 MEDEA, the daughter of a king and a magician. She was mixed 
 up with the great gold-dust robbery, or golden " fleece." She tore her 
 brother in bits, and boiled an old buffer to jelly, telling him she could 
 make him as handsome and as innocent as when he cantered in a 
 go-cart. Medea performed all sorts of horrible businesses every way 
 worthy a first-rate fury. It is doubted, however, whether she really 
 did eat her own children, or merely farmed them out, and no questions 
 asked. The Corinthians themselves are accused of this crime, but 
 paid Euripides to write a tragedy fastening the murders on Medea. 
 
 MEDUSA, the mortal sister of the Gorgons, with a good eye in 
 her head, chubby looks, and locks that nobody would attempt to pick, 
 though they were never patented. She was convicted of brawling, 
 and had her hair changed " from a beautiful dark-brown" to a greasy 
 twist of corkscrews or young snakes. She cried "O-don't-o!" but they 
 did ; and named a notorious nostrum after the exclamation. 
 
 MELPOMENE, the muse of tragedy, a young woman with a grave 
 countenance, generally dressed in deep mourning. She visited various 
 countries, but nobody knows what has become of her. 
 
ME 
 
 MEMNON, a king of Ethiopia, to whom the Egyptians erected the 
 celebrated musical statue, performing various Irish melodies morning 
 and evening, to the great surprise and delight of all — who never heard 
 them. Cambyses stopped the clock- (work), and Memnon's midriff is 
 in the British Museum. 
 
 MENA, a goddess at Borne, who was worshipped by ladies in an 
 "interesting situation;" and, as a set-off, received for sacrifices un- 
 weaned puppies, with a strong recommendation from their last place. 
 
 MENECBATES, a vain and arrogant physician, who styled himself 
 Jupiter, and wrote to Philip of Macedon in that vein. Philip invited 
 him to a feast, and placed before him a huge block of brown Windsor, 
 and rivers of I'esprit, which he compelled him to eat and drink. Philip 
 wished him better sense, an everlasting appetite, and as good a diges- 
 tion as he could get for the money. 
 
 MENANDEB, a celebrated dramatic poet of Athens, called the 
 Prince of the New Comedy, who drowned himself from the greater 
 success of a rival ! — A king of Bactria, whose ashes were divided amongst 
 his subjects, there being no law to compel the dustmen to take them 
 away, except on payment of Is., which they called then- dusty bob. 
 
 MEECUBIUS, a celebrated god of antiquity, and carrying on an 
 extensive business amongst orators, actors, merchants, and pick- 
 pockets. When twenty-four days old he had committed at least as 
 many petty larcenies, though none of the prosecutors came forward. 
 He wore a winged skull-cap, feathered socks, and a sort of harlequin's 
 bat, which enabled him to jwsfo people and things. In his temple 
 orators and actors offered him their tongues : — the god rarely accepted : 
 but Hie fad was, to have a lot of parrot's-tongues ready in case of acci- 
 dent, and which were allowed to be a good equivalent. Mercury was 
 sometimes represented holding a purse as the tutelary deity of mer- 
 chants, with a cock on his wrist, a switch under Iris arm, and &Jl)j at 
 his feet, into which he seems about to step and take a spin at the rate 
 of sixty miles a minute; which unusual haste, touching the purse, 
 speaks volumes — of the Hue and Cry. 
 
 MEEOPE, an interesting young creature, who was cut into a "little 
 star" because she married a mortal. Merope gave name to a ten-feet 
 tragedy, whose author died of iliac passion, the only passion perhaps 
 he ever had anything to do with. 
 
 MISENUS, piper to Hector, who met with a violent death from 
 one of the Tritons throwing himself from the top of a house on 
 the devoted musician whilst playing "There's nae luck about the 
 house!" 
 
 MILO, a celebrated athlete, who used to buy a bullock, give him a 
 punch on the head, and eat him: failing in the last of his performances, 
 a lord of the forest came upon him suddenly, and returned the compli- 
 ment, completing his task easily within the given time. 
 
M 
 
 MIDAS, a king of Phrygia, very rich and very eccentric. He is said 
 to have found a large treasure, as many royal folks have done — before 
 it was lost. He was so affectionate towards himself and his own, that 
 he prayed (and got his prayer) whatever he touched might turn to 
 gold. He however gave up his chance when he found himself dining 
 on a solid gold shoulder of mutton, the shank of which lie had taken 
 hold of to get at the cook's-flap. He next challenged Apollo at the 
 big-drum, and even sent articles to the Musical Miss-sell-any, which 
 so enraged the god that he changed the pretender's ears into those of 
 an ass; and the same was publicly proclaimed in his own kitchen. He 
 got an admission into the hospital for diseases of the ear, but was dis- 
 charged with his ears at length incurable. He died of an ox-blood 
 omelet, registered to prevent bad dreams. 
 
 MINERVA, chiefly remarkable for never having been born: her 
 father was troubled with head-ache, and, having taken an extra pinch 
 of blackguard, sneezed incontinently, and out jumped Minerva, armed, 
 full-fledged, and furbelowed, with a stock of ready-made wisdom 
 that fitted her for an immediate seat at the council. Vulcan behaved 
 very ill to her, but the rest of the people in power earned themselves 
 respectfully. She was a fine stand-up sort of woman, and much 
 beloved by all who took the trouble to find her out. She produced the 
 olive, and patronized peace-manufacturers. 
 
 MINTHE, a lambkin whose ear was poisoned by Pluto; but his lady 
 being on the listen, made up her mind to give the offender a little 
 mint-sauce to his lamb, and turned her rival into the well-known herb 
 called mint. There was no master of the mint to protest against 
 this turn in her affairs : but Minthe shall go down to posterity with a 
 pea-blossom in one hand and a butter-c/y; in the other, as long as 
 art and appetite shall strip the blue prussian of its shell-jacket, or 
 woman's love and the lambing-season survive the wreck of platters and 
 the "crush" of S — rie's! 
 
 MOMUS, a famous fault-finder, and thought by some to be a very 
 merry fellow. He sneered at Vulcan's clay man, and said he ought to 
 have framed and glazed him; and told Neptune that his bull was an 
 Irish bull. He was at length discharged without a character, and 
 never coidd laugh himself into a decent situation afterwards. He is 
 represented with a mask, indicative of his two-facedness, and holding 
 a round figure (0) in his hand, signifying nothing. 
 
 MONODUS was remarkable for exhibiting one continued bone 
 instead of a row of teeth, and is the earliest instance of a man having 
 jarvied a jaw-quack out of a mouthM of beautiful ivories for the 
 small charge of a single tooth. 
 
 MOBS or NIGHT, is supposed to be the author of the celebrated 
 line Mors omnibus communis, the ancient starter of the common omnibus 
 or omnibus communis, and patentee of Mar's (Shillibeer?) economical 
 black-clarence (vulr/o snivel trail). 
 
 81 
 
M N 
 
 MNEMOSYNE, the mother of the Muses. She fas-pas^ with 
 Jupiter, though very highly spoken of in the pleasures of Memory. 
 
 MOPSUS, a born prophet, and a god by special creation, for having 
 predicted the exact number of a litter of pigs, and that all the lady- 
 piglings would be carrotty. 
 
 MORPHEUS, a mighty sleeper and face-maker, for he made faces 
 at all mankind. He was represented as a very corpulent infant, and is 
 no doubt the original of the " wonderful fat child." 
 
 MOSES, archbishop of the Hebrews, and duke of Duke's-place, gave 
 the Jews a good many excellent lifts and laws, and died at six-score. 
 An attempt has been made by archaeologists to mix up Moses and the 
 Minories with Moses and the Red Sea; but the analogy is absurd, if 
 they except Rag -fair and the Tower-ditch. 
 
 MUSiE, nine real goddesses, beautiful and highly educated, who 
 presided over all the liberal arts, and were perpetual chairwomen of 
 every science, simple and occult. They loudly complained that, going 
 to the play, no poet ever commenced without solemnly invoking them ; 
 as if, like the family-gingham, they were to be had at all hours and all 
 seasons for the asking. 
 
 MYRON, a celebrated statuary, of Irish extraction, who imitated 
 animals so closely that even cows could not find out his bulls. He 
 made large sums of money by bulling the market. 
 
 MYRTIS, a celebrated poetess, who gave Corinna lessons in the 
 tintinabulum way. She wrote little poems for samplers, about the 
 " busy bee," " love," " shells," &c, poor imitations of which have ap- 
 peared en masque. 
 
 " 0, thou wert the star that shone sweet on my bower, 
 And soothed all ruy sorrows in destiny's hour — 
 That rose o'er the darkness, and mingled its beam 
 With the light and the calm of an innocent's dream ! 
 Come, gentle Nerite, all fan- as thou art, 
 From my bosom thine image shall never depart — 
 Might ocean's vast wealth in one pearl-drop combine, 
 There 's a costlier still — and that jewel is mine ! 
 To some lone stilly haunt, love, then wander with me, 
 Where the wavelet shall whisper of peace and of thee : — 
 And life 's brighter current steal silently on, 
 Keflecting a smile for the days that are gone ! " 
 MYSIA, a eouutry of Asia Minor, whose inhabitants were so fond of 
 weeping, that they were hired as mourners for funerals at <></. an hour, 
 eye-water included. Incessant weeping was considered an extra, when 
 they were allowed relays of fancy-fogies and back-carriage. 
 
 MYTHECUS, a first-rate sophist and man-cook at Syracuse. He 
 astonished the citizens of Sparta with some of his recondite ragouts, 
 but was expelled under the sumptuary laws. The magistrate, in pro- 
 nouncing sentence, put on a very grotesque cap, when Mythecus 
 exclaimed, " My skill is gone ! Until this moment I thought I was 
 the only man who could dress a calf's head!" 
 
ABIS, a tyrant, and a regular Brummagem Dionysius. 
 He made a statue like his wife richly apparelled, and 
 filled it with instruments of torture. When Nahis 
 determined to rob a wealthy citizen, the victim was 
 introduced to the lady, held firmly in her embrace, and 
 pricked until he surrendered his "jewels, cash, and plate." Having 
 kept up the ball fourteen years, he took wing, and was hit flying. 
 
 NAIS, a cross old woman, who dealt in fi.-di and magic, near the 
 Red Sea; and thrifty people, who paid their money, and took her 
 curtsy (a sure proof that she was not satisfied), suddenly found them- 
 selves considerably fishified, and had to wriggle home like fine silver 
 eels, or go through the circumbendibus of a delicate salmon very fresh 
 indeed. 
 
 NAIADES, second-class divinities, who presided over wells, streams, 
 water-basins, See. They generally had country lodgings, and wore long 
 flowing streamers. They were represented with an urn turned on and 
 the water flowing, but when the urn was out of order they put up with 
 the little tea-pot. They were called inferior deities, because they 
 never paid their small debts. 
 
 NiEVIUS, an augur, who got a statue for cutting ujliitt with a razor: 
 the flint turned out to be a journeyman tailor. The assault was proved, 
 and the statue burnt in effigy. 
 
 NARCISSUS, a beautiful Boeotian, who fell in love with his own 
 image, and died of self-esteem and puppytiveness, an organ not then 
 classified, but since very extensively developed. Some one tinned 
 him into a flower, and called it Narcissus — a very sweet paraphrase of a 
 monkey without a tail! Ferhaps the "tater hot" people allude to his 
 second and happier state of existence, in the " floury sort : " though 
 Narcissus in a steam-kettle is somewhat outre. 
 
 NEJVLEA, the place where Hercules performed his first labour by 
 squeezing a Hon flat. The unique horn (corrupted mto unicorn) is 
 another affair altogether, and quite apart from this particular squeeze, 
 or the Herald's College. 
 
 NEMESIS, the goddess of vengeance, a Nox, and related to the 
 Parcse. She was a woman of business, and worked a good deal between 
 the lights : but people may draw their own conclusions. She had a 
 statue known as the Nemesis in Attica, ten cubits long, (nine times 
 longer than the ex-sheriff;) but this is not the "Nemesis in China," a 
 work of later date, and to be had at all the libraries. 
 
 83 
 
 ft 
 
NE $&£3> NI 
 
 NEPHELE, mother of Phryxus and Helle, who rode to Colchis 
 mi the famous ram, and under the best advice. Nephele, after some 
 escapades, was changed into a cloud, whence her name is given by the 
 Greeks to the clouds, and by the Clouds to the beautiful 'bus named 
 after the father and mother and several very large children, of that 
 vehicular family. 
 
 NEPTUNE, son of Saturn, and god of the sea, who was swallowed 
 by his father, and restored by the stomach-pump. Neptune was not 
 satisfied with the sovereignty of the sea, allotted him by his brother 
 Jupiter, and got up a conspiracy to dethrone him. The plot was dis- 
 covered, and Neptune sentenced to serve seven years to a jobbing 
 bricklayer. He afterwards was at issue with Minerva; but the olive 
 (Minerva's gift) was pronounced more beneficial to mankind than the 
 horse, which Neptune had produced, the former symbolizing peace, 
 and the latter war. Neptune could raise islands from the bottom of 
 the sea by a stroke of his trident, and traverse the horizon in a hop- 
 step-and-jump. He had a splendid shell-car, and a magnificent train 
 of sea-horses and dolphins. Bulls and horses were sacrificed to him. 
 He had a good average number of amours; but, with all his power 
 over the waters, even his tide of true love did not always run smooth. 
 
 NERO, a Roman emperor and a most imperial scamp, who gloatingly 
 exclaimed, when he signed a death-warrant, " Would that I could not 
 write!" He murdered his mother to save himself from ruin, as he 
 averred, and was applauded by the slaves called courtiers. Nero then 
 commenced a regular round of nights, visiting wine-houses and white- 
 houses, getting drunk, and insulting people in the streets. He turned 
 bamstrider, and played king and candle-snuffer the same night. He 
 sang under eaves, and dressed himself like a mountebank to attract 
 attention and steal women: he grossly insulted a farmer's daughter 
 because she would not give him money, and was taken to the cage, but 
 discharged upon bail with two blue eyes. He next challenged for the 
 belt, got a thorough good hiding, but claimed the victory, and was feted 
 accordingly. His wife and Seneca were next persecuted to the death; 
 and, starting a chorus of "Down with the Christians!" he set Rome 
 on fire, and fiddled the finale to the opera of Troy. Again playing 
 the hypocrite, Nero built the celebrated Aurum Domum, with galleries 
 a mile long, and covered with gold, which he confessed then lodged 
 him just respectably. He fished with golden nets for gold fish; and 
 was at length sentenced to be dragged through the city naked, whipped 
 to death, and thrown from the Tarpeian rock. He preferred hanging, 
 and provoked a general illumination. 
 
 NICO, the name of the ass Augustus met before the battle of 
 Actium, and which circumstance he considered a favourable omen. 
 His jester said " Happy the man who can walk abroad without meeting 
 a favourable omen ! " 
 
NEREIDES, a bevy of beauties fifty in number, and all named 
 after their father. They resided on the sea-shore, and were tenants- 
 at-will to Neptune and the tide. Breezes were frequent amongst them, 
 and the little ones now and then got up a squall; but, on the establish- 
 ment of the Alcyone, or Anti-blowing and Sea-safety Assurance Asso- 
 ciation, their business as wind-and-watermongers fell off, and they were 
 driven to treat with poor mariners for propitiating their pigtails, or 
 blessing their lucky-bags, at very reduced prices. 
 
 NICOSTRATUS, a braggadocio, fond of imitating Hercules, by 
 clothing himself in the skin of a beast. One of those 
 
 " Ill-mannered hinds, 
 
 Who throw a lion's hide athwart their limbs, 
 
 But wear heneath— a gentlewoman's pluck!'' 
 
 NILUS, king of Thebes, gave his name to the Nile. Though it had 
 seven mouths not a word escaped of its origin. It is in the form of a 
 delta or triangle, and has very properly three sides, but the head is 
 Nili caput quarere. It overflows annually; and, according to its rising, 
 was the country benefitted or damaged: bad seasons left a frightful 
 deposit of mud, and good seasons brought the tax-gatherer. The 
 ancients could not account for its phenomena, though Homer declared 
 that the river flowed clown from heaven, or proceeded from heavy 
 rains. 
 
 NINUS, a son of Belus, and founder of the Assyrian monarchy. 
 He fell in love with Semiramis, and married her after the death of her 
 husband, who destroyed himself through fear of his rival. Ninus, the 
 Jupiter of the Assyrians, and the Hercules of the Chaldeans, certainly 
 lived and died, and that is all perhaps known about him. Semiramis, 
 in her widowhood, turned very patriotic, beautified Babylon, and gave 
 the inhabitants clean water. She was fond of soldiering, and had a 
 son by Ninus called Ninyas, who was not such a ninny as to object to 
 her being turned into a dove, and precipitated the happy event by 
 " dispatching" her at once for the celestial dovecot. 
 
 NIOBE, a Lydian princess, who married the very man Milesians 
 constantly swear by: his name was Jasus, but how connected with 
 Irish history is a mystery, which (like the worthies who thus honour 
 him) is past finding out. Niobe was unfortunate in her children : she 
 happened to snub Latona, and Latona wouldn t put up with it. Apollo 
 took up the quarrel, and arbitrated by killing a baker's dozen of them, 
 and sending the mother to a stone-yard. She was petrified at this 
 treatment, and wept herself into a very good likeness in granite. 
 Several of her sons distinguished themselves as charioteers, muleteers, 
 blanketeers, &c. ; thus Niobe was said to be all leers. 
 
 NITOCBIS, a queen of Babylon, who gave out that a large treasure 
 would be found in her tomb. Cyrus forced it open, and found written 
 on a tablet "Don't you wish you may get it?" 
 
NI 
 
 NY 
 
 NISUS, known as the "golden-haired laddie," from having a yellow 
 lock on his forehead, which the oracle had pronounced to rule his fate. 
 His own daughter stole it in his sleep, and let a gay young fellow over 
 her father's wall, and betrayed the city. This good-for-nothing thought 
 her disagreeably fond, and she threw herself into the water. Tlie 
 gods just then happening to want a lark, turned her into one pro forma, 
 and left her " high poised in air" — -till called for. 
 
 NOLA, the place where church-bells were first introduced, which 
 superseded the custom of calling people to church by watchmen's 
 rattles. Kegular Charlies went round the village and sprung their 
 windmills, crying out "I charge all!" and to which the father of a 
 family responded, " I charge," &c, when the first crier cried out, with 
 a rattling peal of wooden thunder, "Charge for charge!" and the 
 whole party padded away to the nearest snuggery, and patronized the 
 nymph of the chicory department. 
 
 NORTIA, a name given to the goddess of fortune by the Etrurians, 
 who must have found something sympathetically pleasant in the 
 cognomen. 
 
 NOVATUS, an anonymous slanderer of Augustus, who was dis- 
 covered, and fined Is. ! 
 
 NOX, the mother of Day and Night, but no relation to Day and 
 Martin, though black offerings were made to her. She generally 
 dressed in black, and carried a black child in her arms. Nox patronized 
 funeral-companies, black-faced mutton, and mourning depots. 
 
 NUMENIUS, a philosopher, -who supposed that Chaos, from which 
 the world was created, was animated by an evil and malificent sold : 
 he lived in the second century, but " flourished" in the nineteenth. 
 
 NYMPHjE, female deities among the ancients, divided into nymphs 
 of the land and nymphs of the sea. They lived several thousand 
 years, and pitched their tents and their pitchers in remarkably pleasant 
 places, near fountains, rivers, grottos, or cascades. There was an in- 
 ferior class, who presided over certain beats indicated by their master- 
 god. Neptune (they took territorial titles!) for instance, selected the 
 river-nymph for Nine Elms, and Vulcan the lady-superior of Three 
 Hammer-alley. They were young and beautiful, though they had no 
 temples. They carried vases, from which they appeared to pom 1 water; 
 and, as the principal libation was milk, they were sometimes called 
 milk-and-water nymphs. 
 
DINUS, a celebrated hero or impostor, who turned, his 
 acquirements, whatever they were, to work out .certain 
 notions of living and dying on an entirely new principle. 
 He undertook to raise the dead, and look into futurity: 
 this he easily did by laughing at the idea of an after- 
 state, and supplying a neighbouring anatomical theatre. The recipe 
 for dying was, — to assemble his friends, and piercing his body nine 
 times in a circle with a lance, assuring them that he was going to 
 Scythia to prepare their paradise. He certainly did go, but what 
 route he took, or the locality of the prospective elysium, has not been 
 ascertained: he promised to write, but the letter never came to hand, 
 having been detained in the dead- letter office. 
 
 OCNUS, a man remarkable for his industry, with a wife notoriously 
 extravagant. He is represented twisting a hayband, and a donkey 
 eats as fast as he makes it. Which was the donkey ? 
 
 ODEUM, a musical theatre at Athens, with musical boxes, though 
 the pit and gallery were not out of their gamut. 
 
 CEDIPUS, a son of the king of Thebes, and the twenty-second 
 cousin and a half of Venus. It was arranged that he was to murder 
 his father, but his mother put him away, and a good-natured shepherd, 
 on account of his promising talents, bored holes in his feet (ears?) and 
 hung him up to a tree. His feet swelled ; and, being unable to prove 
 that lie was born between blankets, they called him CEdipus (Greek 
 for " swollen feet.") He however killed his father, and didn't know it: 
 he afterwards went to Thebes, and fell foul of the sphinx. CEdipus 
 had the sleeve-wigged notable at pun-and-fun for upwards of fifty 
 minutes, lighted his pipe with the famous enigma, and gave him 
 lock-jaw in compelling him to swallow his last joke. The old chap in 
 the end knocked his brains out against a post; but this is doubted, as 
 there were no appearances about the post to warrant the conclusion. 
 CEdipus was afterwards had up for the murder of his father; but 
 having lost his eyes he couldn't see it, nor a hole which the oracle 
 had ordered to be dug, and the silly man walked into it, and was 
 buried alive. 
 
 OLYMPUS, a poet and musician, who composed love-songs, but was 
 unfortunately mistaken for a bigger fiddle than himself, and in the 
 prosody line too. He was in good flavour in the age of Aristophanes, 
 who cruelly parodied his chefd'eeuvre in "Love was once a little pup. 1 " 
 Both having claimed the work, both very contentedly broke their 
 hearts. 
 
OLYMPIA, the place where the Olympian games were celebrated, 
 and giving name to a four-year old almanack, which measured an 
 olympiad. There was wrestling, running, leaping, boxing, and throwing 
 the quoit, the prize being a crown of olive, a triumph, and a statue. 
 Pindar hymned their praises; and thousands flocked to witness the 
 exhibition. The goddess who presided over these Pievels was said 
 to keep alive the old Pvoinan love of shews, and her worshippers never 
 doubted her power of attraction, when they recollected her resources, 
 and what she had to fall back upon. 
 
 OMPHALE, a queen, and an actress in a little drama with Hercules. 
 The god consented to darn Omphale's stockings, and she frequently 
 put on his skin-overcoat, and poked him with his own club for holding 
 the needle awkwardly. They came in the course of a stroll to a nice 
 little grotto, where she put on the breeks, and he the jupon. After 
 supper they retired to their dressing-rooms, when Faunus introduced 
 himself slyly into the theatre. He happened to get into the wrong 
 box, and Hercules kicked the intruder into the street. 
 
 OPPIANUS, a Greek poet who wrote a poem on hunting, for which 
 he received a piece of gold. Little Anacreon received a piece of gold 
 (guinea) per line. There are golden truths in poetry! 
 
 OPvACULUM, certain nothings called responses to questions asked 
 by certain people to mystify certain people. They were worked by a 
 set of p.b.'s, but the pledges were unredeemable. These money- traps 
 afflicted Egypt, Greece, and Piome, for ages. 
 
 ORCHIA (Lex), limited the number of guests invited to an enter- 
 tainment, and enacted that the"street-door should be left open during 
 supper-time. 
 
 ORESTES, son of Agamemnon, was the sworn friend of Pylades, 
 and avenger of his father's murder. Agamemnon, on his return from 
 Troy, was killed by Clytemnestra, assisted by iEgisthus, a "kind 
 friend," to whom he had entrusted the guardianship of his wife during 
 his absence. Electra saved Orestes from a similar fate, by sending 
 him to Phocis, whence he returned, and slew his mother and her 
 paramour. Pylades counselled and aided him in this, and was his 
 unaltered supporter through life. Pyrrhus also fell by the hand of 
 Orestes, for carrying off his betrothed Hermione. Vengeance overtook 
 Orestes, and he would have been sacrificed at the altar, had not his 
 sister, Iphigenia, been priestess of the temple of Diana. Agamemnon 
 had lulled a deer, which offended Diana, and she becalmed the Trojan 
 fleet. The goddess could only be appeased by some of the blood of 
 Agamemnon, and Iphigenia was inveigled away for sacrifice; but 
 Diana pitied her, and substituted a hind in her stead. Clytemnestra 
 was a remarkable character, as was her brother Castor, both of whom 
 made their first appearance in public after a famous egg-throwing 
 affair, in which Jupiter was the principal assailant. 
 
B 
 
 ORPHEUS, the reputed son of Apollo, and a great fiddler. He 
 once played "The stream shall cease to flow," and so it did; — went 
 into the woods, tink-a-tinked all the wild beasts, and sang "Farewell 
 to the mountains," so movingly, that several not at all old hills rose 
 and dropped him a very polite curtsy. All the women were in love 
 with him, hut Eurydice was the "only one." Orpheus, however, was 
 doomed to lose her: a middle-aged snake in the grass hit her foot, and 
 she died of the wound. For a respectable young woman he sought 
 her in a very suspicious place. He went "down," and dulcified hi* 
 serene Darkness, who agreed to let him have Eurydice again, provided 
 he did not look behind him until he reached the street-door. The poor 
 fellow was so happy that lie did look behind him — but Eurydice had 
 fled for ever! It is thought that she fell through a trap over the black 
 hole or coal- cellar. 
 
 " So wooers take warning, or women or men, 
 
 If you once go too far, you 11 ne 'er get back again ! " 
 
 The moral is curt. Oqiheus was no longer Orpheus; the "pipe had 
 lost the power of pleasing ;" and some ill-natured females cut off his 
 head, during a grand arpeggio movement, and threw it and his fiddle 
 into the Hebrus: the head, it is recorded, bobbed up and down, ex- 
 claiming "Eurydice!" but she took no notice. 
 
 OSSA, a lofty mountain in Thessaly, used as a stepping-stone bj tin 
 giants to scale the heavens, and give battle to the gods: but the struggle 
 was " Ossa to a wart ! " 
 
 OYIDIUS (PuBLirs Naso), was intended for the bar, but he would 
 be a poet; and, from the peculiar line of his nasal organ, people said 
 he would excel in point. He got into learned society, sung warmly 
 of love and ladies' eyes, and was extravagantly patronized by Augustus, 
 but suddenly expatriated by him. He still played the flatterer, got 
 despised for his pains, and died in exile. The Metamorphoses and 
 Fasti are his great woi-ks; but his poetry, though sweet and graceful, 
 has an immoral tendency. Ovid had three wives, and wrote con amore 
 on the tender passion. He has been a never-failing meal for the min- I 
 nows of fiction : sic. 
 
 " Unlike the victim of that sickly dream 
 Who looks upon the boundless ocean-stream, 
 
 And fancies some bright valley it must be— 
 Men of the soul's health! gloating o'er their gains — 
 Yet with no calenture oppressed, our plains, 
 
 And smiling fields, would turn to one vast see!" 
 
 The calenture (deceptio visits) was certainly known in the days of Ovid. 
 The Romans had their model priest. \ / 
 
W 5 
 
 » 
 
 
 ■B. 
 
 AN, son of Mercury, was the god of shepherds, and of 
 rural sports and people fond of the country. He had 
 ;i host of parents, as appears from his names, signi- 
 fying fathers and mothers of all sorts. Pan was a 
 ruddy goat-looking savage, horned and hoofed, with 
 a small capital (epieue), and a bottle-nose. He frightened his first 
 nurse to death; and the gods made a hey-diddle scarecrow of him for 
 amusement. He invented the syrinx or pandean pipes, and used to 
 play the young girls ugly as he was out of all the propriety they had in 
 the world. Diana and Echo toyed with him, and he didn't behave 
 well to them. Diana once exclaimed " Where is the wretch ? " and 
 Echo answered "Where?" hut she knew well that he was smoking 
 his pipe munchingly, as if nothing had happened. He instituted 
 the lupercalia, more shame to him, where the women laughed to order, 
 and the young idea was taught to shoot over very bad ground. He 
 had a sharp-sighted son called Lynx, who turned out fast, and came to 
 no good. Why he was represented as a goat has been explained, and 
 rendered familiar to the meanest capacity: cosmogonists have gilded 
 his horns with sunbeams, to the great comfort of cosey cornutos ; and 
 his hairy leg and devil's-foot were dedicated to the Woods and Forests. 
 Pan originated what is called the panic or panic-fever: be had a large 
 family, but none of them ever caught it. His worship must have been 
 universal, for the most ordinary cuisine presents something indicative 
 of his ingenuity, — in the sauce-^aw, stew-^an, frying-jwm, etc., and ac- 
 knowledge him as the common father of these tabernacles of flesh 
 and fish, winch he delighted to honour. His death occasioned a great 
 sensation, and goat's-milk went up frightfully: there was a court ( and 
 alley) mourning, — hair weepers and corazzas with shammy fronts. 
 Pan was buried by his club, after lying in state at the Pantechnicon. 
 
 PANDIA, a festival in honour of Jupiter, who could change all things 
 as he pleased, as it runs in the Greek. Pandion, the founder, was not 
 rich in the blessings of the laundry, and petitioned Jupiter, as he 
 could turn anything, for permission to turn his shirt. This was con- 
 sidered personal; and Jupiter rang for the pestle-and-mortar, and had 
 him pounded forthwith. 
 
 PANDORA, a very animated character — a woman in fact made of 
 terra cotta by Vulcan, from a design by himself. Jupiter wished to 
 punish Prometheus (for stealing his red-hot coals, and making a man 
 of them), and set about marrying Pandora to him, and making a living 
 woman of her. All the leading people made up her trousseau, finished 
 her off in a very masterly manner, and gave her a curious box, a good 
 
 I 
 
 T 
 
 it 
 
bit of ready, and a life-interest in 3s. Qd, a year long annuities. Pro- 
 tnetheu . however, would neither have In r nor her box (luggage? I ; but 
 his brother jumped at, and married her. She handed him over her 
 "little bundle;" but, on opening it to make a trifling pre ien1 to the 
 bridesmaids, out flew all soils of evils, typical of disease, doctors, pes 
 tilence, lawyers, famine, fiddlers, &c, which have continued to afflict 
 mankind ever since ! it is said that Hope was at the bottom. The 
 unhappy husband got into chancery: the carkaret having been 
 examined, the jewel had tied, and the case was pronounced to be 
 hopeless. 
 
 PAKIS, a son of the king of Troy, and destined to bring ruin on 
 his country, a clever soothsayer saying as much, from the circum- 
 stance of his mother having dreamed that she felt all the worse 
 for a colourless cordial which she had taken entirely by mistake. His 
 father, alarmed, made a "fondling" of him; but he was picked up by 
 the shepherds of Mount Ida. Paris, it seems, was a real sharp 'un at 
 looking after sheep and the turnip-field, and the peasants christened 
 him something after the manner of long of the Swedes, and gave him 
 a leg-of-mutton and trimmings every Tuesday for his own table, to 
 which he invited the bell ringers. He felt so proud of these dis- 
 tinctions that he got married; and the gentle CEnone supplied the 
 caper-sauce! All was honey: — but the mustard was to come. Two 
 neighbours entered wedlock without ringing; and a third was not in- 
 i the wedding-breakfast; so she got up a squabble, threw into 
 the parlour a golden apple, and cried out "No catchy, no hawy!" 
 Juno, Venus, and Minerva, claimed it; and in the end Paris was ap- 
 p dnl : 1 umpire: lie decided for Venus, and consequently the hostility 
 of the other two ladies. Venus had promised him the fairest woman 
 in the world; and, having discovered he was a lung's son, he played all 
 sorts of princely tricks to get hold of her. Helen, the identical lady, 
 was a married woman; and Paris took her away from her husband, 
 which led to the Trojan war. The woman-stealer earned his head 
 very high for a time, but looked rather shy when he met Menelaus on 
 the held (not the turnip field): he however sneaked off only to meet 
 his death by a predestined arrow. Helen walked home to her mother: 
 and his lawful wife (Eiione, when the body was brought before her, 
 went through the dagger-scene beautifully. 
 
 PAETHENOPE, one of the syrens whose body was found on the 
 sea-shore at Neapolis, afterwards called Partheuope, and Naples. 
 
 PENTHEUS, a king of Thebes, who attempted to suppress the 
 free-and-easies in honour of Bacchus. He hid himself to witness the 
 orgies, but was set upon and torn to pieces. His own mother and 
 sisters, Ino and Autonoe, joined in the murder. The sister-- stoutly 
 denied the accusation, but were constantly taunting each other with 
 I — no, and you Ant — onoc, which made the thing very unsatisfactory. 
 
 91 
 
V E 
 
 * 
 
 PENELOPE, a celebrated Grecian princess and needle-woman, who 
 married Ulysses, and mothered Telemachus. Her husband left her 
 for more than twenty years, during which time she was engaged on an 
 extraordinary piece of tapestry, and promised her hand to several 
 gentlemen-suitors on its completion. She however gobble- stitched by 
 day, and unpicked at night, purposely to put them off. Ulysses came 
 at last, and made all right. Homer calls her a model of chastity; but 
 later writers say she was only very .so-so during the absence of her 
 husband. Tins insinuation, however, has resolved itself into a con- 
 temptible pun (sew, sac) on her industry. 
 
 PENTHESILEA, a queen of the Amazon people, was not " quite so 
 tall as a country church-steeple," but a very great woman. Though an 
 old lover, she fought with Achilles for love, and got her quietus in 
 double-quick time. The renowned hero thought her a beautiful corpse, 
 and wept bitterly — until the undertakers were out of sight. 
 
 PERI) IX, a nephew of Dosdalus, and a very prpmising young fellow; 
 but the authorities prepared him for the spit by turning him into a 
 partridge. Before this adventure he invented several sorts of "saws," 
 but was thrown from a high tower in the flower of his age, and had 
 nothing to do with "modern instances" — not even the leap from the 
 Monument. 
 
 PERILLUS, an over-clever artist, who made a brazen bull in which 
 to burn criminals alive. Being unexpectedly offered the initiate, he 
 was asked to walk in, and cooked his "chops" at 150 Fahrenheit. 
 He made his peace with the basting-ladle, and went oft' like a lamb. 
 
 PEEITAS, a favourite dog of Alexander the Great, in whose honour 
 he built a city, and called it Canino, of which Jowler was the first 
 prince, and president likewise. 
 
 PHAETON, a son of the sun, and a warm-hearted cabby withal. 
 Venus had a fancy for him, and made him pew-opener at one of her 
 temples, upon which he got saucy, and provoked people to talk about 
 his birth, character, and education. Phteton didn't like it, and went 
 off to his father to tell him the wbole truth. Phaeton was rather a 
 bright fellow, and the father indulgently agreed to grant him whatever 
 he reqtiired. Being superintendant of the Sun, Pha-ton asked leave 
 to drive his No. 1. engine, and the flyers were put-to. An alarm 
 of fire put Phaeton on his mettle. Off he went — funked, went slap 
 against a lamp-post, and was pitched headlong into the Po. His body 
 took fire, and set the river in flames, which was with great difficulty put 
 out. The sufferers were not insured. 
 
 PHITEMON, a comic poet, who died of laughter at seeing a jackass 
 eat figs: — his first and last attempt in tragi-comedy. 
 
 PHILETAS, a poet of Cos, so small and slender that he carried a 
 piece of lead (his poems?) in his pocket to escape being blown 
 down. 
 
 ', 
 
 : 
 
l'l 
 
 PTTAON) a ferry-man of Mitylene (mighty lean?) who skulled 
 
 ' • \ r enus over to Asia, and got a hox of ointment for his fare. He had a * ' 
 
 ♦ • queer jambe from his birth, and was uncommon ugly; but he "rubbed," • • 
 
 • and became one of the most beautiful men of his age (set. 30); so • 
 
 handsome that he used to take Sappho and Venus on a tour of the 
 
 shops daily. Having behaved very ill to the ladies, he opened an 
 
 asylum for shocking bad legs, and professed to cure every disorder 
 
 incident to the human body with the "sacred" ointment. Venus 
 
 chastised his arrogance by making him more unsightly than ever; and 
 
 he was ultimately smothered in one of his own grease-vats. 
 
 PHINTHIAS, a fountain where it was said nothing woidd sink. Did 
 they try a sinking fund ? 
 
 PHRYNE, a celebrated woman, and mistress to Praxiteles, who 
 drew her picture, and dedicated it to Apollo. She was very rich, and 
 offered to rebuild the city of Thebes and its temple, if they would let 
 her name appear as the architect and first churchwarden. This was 
 refused, and she parted with her money for preference-shares on the 
 various lines in the Paphian dominions. 
 
 PHRYNIS, a great cook and musician, who gamed the first musical 
 prize at Athens, and added two strings to his violin. He could fiddle 
 above a bit, and fricasee like fun. He rose rapidly to eminence, ac- 
 cording to his own account, from constantly studying the taste of his 
 patrons, and repeating his master's name — Hier-o. 
 
 PICUS, king of Latium, was a married man, of short stature, who 
 had the misfortune to cross Circe in the woods, and got changed into a 
 woodpecker. The minx planted him near the stump of a tree, and 
 said all sorts of soft things; but, finding Picus was very fond of his 
 wife, and wouldn't do anything else, she asked him for a song, as he 
 refused to dance. When he came to the burthen, " the woodpecker 
 tapping," she took the office, tapped him on the shoulder, and turned 
 him into a "little wobbler." The true story however is, that Picus 
 having sighed upon "innocent lips" at home, and various sorts of lips 
 in sundry other places, he was traced to his domicile, and tapped as 
 aforesaid, for the benefit of his creditors. The bird and the burthen 
 imply that the woodpecker was a Jack-daw (or Jack Doe), and the 
 refrain, " I can't get out!" 
 
 PISTOR, the god of bakers, and in a very good way of business. 
 When the Gauls attacked Rome, he hit upon the plan of pelting the 
 soldiers with twopennies to make them believe they had plenty to eat. 
 The Gauls tucked-in these twopennies, being rather short themselves, i 
 and concluded the Romans had loads of provisions, though they were 
 in a state of famine — literally dead men. The siege was raised, when 
 the besieged took their last loaf from the flag-staff, and threw 
 it in. Hence "dead men," the "staff of life," and "thirteen to the 
 dozen." 
 
^r | ^-h. ~ -_•-. | 
 
 j' j, 
 
 PLAT* », a great philosopher, who opened an acadenrj al Athens for 1 1\ 
 i« elderly gentlemen, professedly stoics, and popularly sedate, for their •/ \ 8 
 » laws forbade them even to laugh in school-hours : "they might not • ' 
 > laugh perhaps, but they might yawn." Plato had several aliases, and * 
 travelled a great deal: he visited Egypt, Italy, and Mount Etna. He 
 excelled in grammar and gymnastics, and challenged the whole school, 
 throwing in a fag and three stone. He could great-letter-and-dot all the 
 dialects of Greece, fiddle, sing, and carry four hundred weight. His 
 powerful build indeed, and the creaking of the basket in which he had 
 for a wager undertaken to carry an enormous burthen, suggested the 
 name of Plato. He composed some pieces for the Olympic, but an 
 ignorant basso saying they wanted fire, Plato replied " I will supply 
 the deficiency," and burnt them ! He was a tee-totaller, and could walk 
 out and home at the rate of five miles an hour. He once undertook to 
 hop 100 yards, write a paper on materialism, and diddle a sixteen- 
 stone she-stoic out of her small-change, which he accomplished easily 
 in sixteen seconds under seventy minutes. Plato /had a goodly collec- 
 tion of disciples, but all his followers followed him at a very respectful 
 I distance. He died at a good old age, and has ever since been 
 heard of. 
 
 POPPCEA, a Koman matron, married to a knight named Rufus 
 Crispinus, whom she called a snob, cut, and married Otho. He played 
 warming-pan to Nero, by whom she was murdered. Poppcea kept 500 
 asses to produce her sufficient of the lacteal fiuid to bathe in; ami 
 from the skint invented a sort of cosmetic, which she called the Cream 
 ; of Immortality. 
 
 PROCRUSTES, a famous robber, who prepared his victims for the 
 sack, as paupers were once said to be fitted to their coffins. 
 
 PROMETHEUS, a superior man, and a potter by trade, played 
 Jupiter a trick which he never forgave. He killed a bull, and gave his 
 horns to the god, which was not to be borne. Jupiter, hi revenge, 
 blew out the lights, and took all the fire from earth; upon which Pro- 
 metheus ravished some "heavenly ray" from the chariot of the sun, 
 bringing it down at the end of an electric riding-cane. The tkundeivr 
 then got a woman made of clay, gave her life, and a box of jewels, and ; 
 tempted the fire-stealer to marry her. Prometheus wasn't to be done 
 in the clay business; and he persuaded his brother to take the lady: 
 she was an orphan, and he did. Prometheus was tied to a rock, and 
 a vulture dined off his liver for a thousand years, but it never di- < 
 mini >b sd. Hercules, tired out, at length knocked the bird over, and it 
 died of liver- complaint. Prometheus is said to have ma.de the first 
 man and woman of clay, and animated them with tire; but this has , 
 been explained, that he was the original image-boy, who introduced '. 
 Adam and Eve, jointed bunnies, kittens, and bow-wows. \| 
 
 PYRODES was the first man wdio applied the fire in flint to do- J 
 mestic purposes, and blessed succeeding ages with the tinder-box! if 
 
 94 
 
 
I' Y 1' V 
 
 PYLADES, a son of the king of Phocis, and the inviolable friend 
 of Orestes. His mother was sister to Agamemnon, whose death h\ 
 Clytemnestra ami ^Egisthus, he assisted Orestes to revenge. Orestes 
 
 spread false news of liis death, when the murderers went t<> return 
 thanks, and were killed in the temple. 
 
 PYRAMUS, an amiable youth, who fell in love with Thisbe, but her 
 parents said she should not. They couldn't help it: so they courted and 
 kissed through the key -hole. Poor things! they ran away, but named 
 a meeting. Thisbe was there to the minute, but was frightened by a 
 wild beast, and dropped her pocket handkerchief, which was stained 
 sanguinarily. Pyramus came up, and concluding that Thisbe had been 
 murdered, fell upon his own sword: (though it is doubted if be ever 
 paid for it.) Thisbe rushed from a cave; and, extraordinary to relate, 
 slipped, and fell upon the very same sword. How plural ! 
 
 PYEENEUS, a king of Thrace, who sheltered the nine Muses in a 
 heavy shower of rain, and lent them pattens and a very nice "ugly 
 umbrella" to go home with. In bowing them out, however, he stopped 
 Euterpe, swore he loved, and insisted on poking with her for the 
 evening. He was had up, and fined Is. for swearing, and 5s. for making 
 :i fool tit' himself. 
 
 PYTHAGORAS, a first-rate philosopher, who believed in the me- 
 tempsychosis and the immortality of the soul! He could read, write, 
 and wrestle, at an early age; and, going to Egypt, got initiated into 
 the mysteries of priestcraft, and taught the unknown tongues. Pytha- 
 goras introduced the silent system, and his pupils were adjudged from 
 two to five years' imprisonment — of the tongue: no ladies admitted. 
 He believed he could he in two places at one and the same moment, 
 took photographic portraits by moonlight, and transferred to the lunar 
 disc German-text copies written on a looking-glass. He forbad his 
 disciples to eat flesh, but allowed them to fall in love at fifty; so that 
 when they took a wife, they did not "marrj for flesh," but for phi- 
 losophy. Apart from some venial delusions, he was one of the greatest 
 men of the Tantheon. 
 
 PYTHIA, a priestess of Apollo, who delivered her oracles amidst 
 sulphureous vapour, and seated on a tripod: she used to kick, stare, 
 and pull her hair, in what was called the critical moment, and then 
 out came — all she was told! If the omens proved unfavourable, the 
 priestess refused to give an answer without having the money first. 
 
4\ 
 
 % 
 
 UADRATUS, a name of Mercury, because some of bis 
 
 squared tbe circle in which he moved. 
 
 QUADPJFONS, a name of Janus, because he had 
 four heads. He had a temple on the Tarpeian rock, 
 and another over the right eye. 
 
 QUINTIA PEATA, a farm on the borders of the Tiber, where Cin- 
 cinnatus grew his own legs of mutton and turnips. 
 
 QUIRINALIS, a hill at Rome so called, as well as Cabalinus, from 
 the figure of a horse ; as Mutton-hill is designated from baring been a 
 sheep-walk. 
 
 QUINTILLA, one of Juvenal's "beauties," with a Roman nose, and 
 a European reputation. 
 
 QUIRINUS, one of the thousand names given to Jupiter, to denote 
 bis power or attributes. He smote his enemies, and was the giver of 
 peace, the stone on which treaties were concluded being brought from 
 the temple for that purpose. He did not put the flint in his mouth to 
 produce hard words, or sharpen his eloquence: his gift needed it not. 
 The temple Mars Quirinus was dedicated to him. The name Quirinus 
 was also given to Romulus ; and hence the Romans were called Quirites. 
 
 QUIETUS, one of the names of Pluto, because by death be brings 
 rest to all men. He had several other names besides Plouton (Gr.) 
 and Dis (Lat.), the latter signifying wealth, because all tbe natural 
 productions of the earth were under his direction. He was also called 
 by the Greeks Hades, because he inhabits dark places, and is seldom 
 seen in open day. He never laughed nor joked, and was named 
 Agelastus. He carried Proserpine away in a black coach, and rode on 
 the box, because nobody else knew the way. He was said to excite 
 gamblers to ruin and death, as a punishment for their avarice. He 
 was the chief of all the infernal deities, and governor-general of ghosts 
 in general: perhaps Mrs. Veal's would have been an exception. All the 
 night-thunder belonged to him, and theatrical managers were obliged 
 toliave a license for a dreadful storm or shipwreck, though they found 
 then- own kettle-chums. "Thunders" of applause never paid the first 
 three nights of a new piece. Pluto could lengthen or shorten the thread 
 of life, and determine the material — hemp, flax, or silk ! 
 
 " Great prince o'the gloomy regions of the dead, U/ ( 
 
 From whom we hourly move our wheel and thread. 
 
 Of nature's growth and end thou hast the sway. Ill I 
 
 All mortal's birth with dust thou dost repay.-' \|j ( 
 
m. 
 
 HODOPE, a wealthy courtezan, who endowed the 
 temple of Delphi, consecrated the golden spits, and 
 established a fellowship for the senior pug-wrangler on 
 the establishment She lost her sandal whilst bathing, 
 and an eagle having dropped it near the king of Egypt, 
 the monarch was so delighted with its shape, that he sought out the 
 owner, and married her. Khodope had previously married Sappho's 
 brother, and was fellow-servant with Esop, at the court of Samos, 
 from whom she obtained a fine description of the destruction of an 
 ancient temple by fire, but which is lost. The " Great Burning," is only 
 identical in its result. 
 
 "Ah! have you heard the dreadful news? 
 
 Some hlame the Comet, some the Jews: — 
 
 The Lords and Commons swept away — 
 
 What will Vox Stellarum say '? 
 
 St. Margaret's bell had just tolled six, 
 
 The Fiend had lost his way to Styx ! 
 
 Bad bread to all such blundering churls, — 
 
 For Charon's took a boat at Serle's ! 
 
 They should have landed him hard by 
 
 Coal Harbour, where his cousins lie — 
 
 Near Can-on works, in High Thames-street — 
 
 But this, I trow, was no Thames' treat! 
 
 Now people, as they passed the pile, 
 
 Felt rather qualmish— thought 'twas bile : 
 
 Some wheezed, and some went on then- way, 
 
 And those that stopped made no long stay, 
 
 'Fore flame had flushed the twilight gloom, — 
 
 Whence? Marvel not— the Smoking room: — 
 
 The moon shone bright on the Abbey grey, 
 
 Whilst old St. Stephen's bums away! 
 
 Up, Englishmen! drain every drain, 
 
 Seize gully-holes— lay on the main! 
 
 Turncocks ! turn your dolphins, and 
 
 Bring the New River overland ! 
 
 Hark! the Martyr faintly cries, 
 
 ' I sink ! (and Thames one drop denies :) 
 
 Ye hurricanoes spout, I say, 
 
 Or I am up the spout for aye ! ' 
 
 The Sun, awoke from his repose, 
 
 Jumped out of bed, and seized his hose. 
 
 Ran over Atlas in Broadway— 
 
 The People's House will burn away! 
 
 The Phoenix and the Hand-in-Hand 
 
 Joined the Union in the Strand : 
 
 Each had their pipes, and lighting, they 
 
 Smoked Lord M on their way ! 
 
RH 
 
 RH 
 
 Tramp police, and shout the mob. 
 
 Tailor Whig and Tory snob, 
 
 Patriot, prig, et edtera — 
 
 Naughty folks will have their say. 
 
 A murmur now, and all is still — 
 
 The conduits no longer fill — 
 
 The Globe looked on as at a play — 
 
 The " Christening," one was heard to say ! 
 
 And though the .Sim spat to the sky, 
 
 And Atlas sputtered mountains high— 
 
 They might have spared their spits I wot— 
 
 'Twas squirting down Vesuvius' throat! 
 
 The Fiend then flapped his wing— and lo ! 
 
 A sea of fire ! The living glow 
 
 Was felt from Isis to Heme Bay : 
 
 (Vide Papers of next day.) 
 
 He falls !— Poor Stephen wildly mumps 
 
 • Out for a set of d old Pumps'. 
 
 Short Commons saintly maws can't staj;— 
 Farewell for ever— and a day ! ' 
 
 Forth went a shout that might appal 
 Stout Rufus, had he seen his Hall ! - 
 
 * * * * 
 
 Bright embers strew the roofs and way, 
 High o'er the sacred palace play — 
 And though 'twas no red-letter day, 
 
 Sleek S knelt him down to pray ! 
 
 Midst lofty places you might see 
 The burning brand borne wamingly — 
 The skies made such prophetic greet 
 Ere Tarsus' recreant lost his seat! 
 Then there uprose a host of blacks, 
 Like imps on lean funereal hacks— 
 The manes of Misrule's dark day, 
 Sank earthward to a wild hurra ! 
 O spare the temple of all truth— 
 The Lords!— I speak in deepest ruth— 
 And thank my stars * * * 
 Up went crimson rags, and down 
 Went lion, unicorn, and crown !— 
 The unique horn (outlandish bore!) 
 
 Was found at E 's door. 
 
 The crown was smugged to petty France! 
 
 To Apsley Leo (wicked chance!) 
 
 AVas traced, his tail curled underneath— 
 
 The tongue was there, but gone the teeth ! 
 
 The rags,— some went to Ikey Pig's— 
 
 And some for the new Opera rigs! 
 
 Bunn got new-breeched from the velvet throne. 
 
 That Alfred still might sit thereon! 
 
 Look, Lordly Ones, on yonder dust ! 
 
 Rebuild, and fear not— but be just! 
 
REATE, a town of Umbria, and famous for its asses. Cybele had 
 a temple here, and received offerings, with the admonition " Look at 
 home!" 
 
 REMMIA LEX, a law for punishing calumniators by branding their 
 forehead with a K. the initial of calumny at that time. 
 
 RHODLUS, an island, of which Rhodes was the capital; and no- 
 torious as containing a brazen image, considered one of the one- 
 hundred-and-one wonders of the (spouting) world. Its legs rested on 
 moles (soles?), and a full-sized wheelbarrow might be passed through 
 them. Its little finger and ns fronds were unusually disproportioned, 
 and few could clasp its thumb. It was six Cubitts in girth, and up- 
 wards of 5(00) feet high. It was thrown from its pedestal, and a 
 subscription raised to replace it; but some of the persons concerned 
 pocketed the money, and it was ultimately sold to a Jew for what it 
 would fetch. A winding and crazy staircase led to the head of the 
 statue, from which might be seen a number of objects through glasses 
 placed round its neck. It was composed of the finest niconastian brass, 
 with a small proportion of tin ; and samples of it were conveyed by asses 
 from place to place, for the purpose of watching or improving the 
 market. 
 
 ROSCIUS, a Roman actor, and god of the gods. He is father of all 
 the Roscii, young and old, "fat, ragged, and saucy," from time im- 
 memorial. He was very clever, hut had cross eyes ; yet his voice was so 
 harmonious, that they would not permit him to a play in a mask, and 
 constantly requested him to open his mouth and shut his eyes, quite 
 satisfied with what the god would send them. He kept a little spout, 
 and taught Cicero the free use of his hands; and Cicero, in return, 
 defended Roscius from the too free use of his own. 
 
 RUBICON, a small river of Italy, which Julius Caesar passed, and 
 provoked the civil wars. Caesar talked largely of his country, and the 
 priceless jewel honour; upon which Pompey said, "I love my country 
 too, but the jewel will turn out a rue-buy (con.)" — "Massa Caesar dam 
 clever fellow: — Massa Pompey 'spesshussly." 
 
 RUFUS (Q.), a senator degraded from his rank because ten pounds 
 of gold were found in his house! 
 
 RUFUS (D.), the author of six. hooks on Simples now lost. Peter's 
 pet secret was, to look for the Simples until he found them, and then 
 write home for soap and instructions. 
 
 RUFUS (N.), a poet who made verses on Mount Etna, having pre- 
 viously insured his life in the Phoenix. 
 
ALII, the priests of Mars at Rome, and conservators of 
 the sacred shields. The first of March (April?) was 
 thek grand fete-day. They wore an invisible-green 
 jacket, and a belt fastened with brass hieroglyphic 
 buckles, like railway-guards. They had on their heads 
 a sort of fishing-cap or knuckler's-cock, turned up behind, and in one 
 hand they held a whangee, and in the other a large pewter-platter 
 called ancylla. Having sacrificed (three bottles a-man), they were 
 preceded by a big-drum and a Kent bugle, and reeled or danced 
 through the streets, singing Nix my dolly ! They then went through 
 the stattees at length, and were attended by a number of virgins habited 
 like themselves, with the exception of a Baden-B&den mouchoir, and a 
 huge smelling-bottle slung in then- girdle. They afterwards joined 
 hands ; and, grouping en tableau, looked into each other's eyes until 
 one of them winked! Kissing the ladies, they sang a hymn, and 
 finished with thread-my-needle Nan. 
 
 SABINI, an ancient people, excelling in morality and magic, and 
 great herbalists. They worshipped the marry-gold, and had a huge 
 touch of the damning vice in affairs of the heart. 
 
 SAIS, a town in the Delta, where there was a stone flat in the temple 
 of Minerva which had been conveyed to Elephantis by 2000 men in 
 three years. There must have been more than one flat. 
 
 SALAMIS, a daughter of the river Esopus, and beloved by Neptune, 
 who bolted with her. Wet souls ! 
 
 SALERNUM, a town celebrated for a medical school in the lower 
 ages, and students to match. 
 
 SALMACIS, a fountain which rendered effeminate all those who 
 drank of its waters; yet in the Carian census there is no return of 
 man-monkeys. 
 
 SALMONEUS, a king of Elis, who was ambitious of being a god, 
 making his own storm-kettle, and forgetting small accounts. He built 
 a tubular bridge of brass, and drove his tilbury over it, preceded by a 
 number of link-boys, who stirred up then- torches with a bran-new 
 skewer, producing what he called a very superior article. Jupiter put 
 him to bed with a hot shovel (the warming-pan of that day), as a 
 preventive against chalk gout. 
 
 SALMUS, a town of Asia near the Red Sea, where Alexander went 
 to the play, and saw the Israelites in Egypt. He was recognized, and 
 called before the curtain. Alexander made his obeisance, and during 
 the applause ordered the manager to be hanged. 
 
SA C5£^ sc 
 
 SALUS, the goddess of health at Rome, and of imposture some- 
 where else, worshipped under the name of Hygeia. 
 
 SALYIUS, a knowing fellow, and a player on the flute : he played 
 too on some rebel slaves under Marius, who saluted him king, and put 
 him on board-wages. 
 
 SAPPHO, a beautiful poetess and a love of a woman, who first 
 broke her heart, and then her neck, for a beardless boy of Mitylene: 
 (vid. Phaon). She was hi the lyrical way, and first-rate, though nearly 
 all her verses are lost. Once she apostrophized Master Phaon so 
 tenderly about "speaking eyes," paradise, and instances of dumb- 
 strickenness, that the sculler began to feel himself anything but a 
 jolly young waterman, and that he was tugging against wind and tide. 
 Sappho fancied she had done it — struck the right chord, but Phaon 
 was struck comic, and said nothing. Sappho could not put up with it 
 any longer, threw herself from a rock, and not being thrown back again, 
 she was drowned. 
 
 SARACORI, a people who went to war riding on asses: if they 
 gained a victory, the spoil was divided share and share alike. The ani- 
 mals in fact played dumby, but agreed that honours should be divided. 
 
 SATURN was an artful youth, and a son of Ccelus by Thea. 
 Coelus did not behave like a father, and his wife armed Saturn with a 
 scythe to revenge his unkindness. As all flesh (?) is grass, Saturn 
 mowed down the old gentleman; but state reasons prevented an indict- 
 ment for cutting and maiming. The story of swallowing stones to 
 unsettle the act of settlement included Saturn; but the affair was 
 arranged, and he escaped to Italy. Here he entered into partnership 
 with Janus, and became co-king and lecturer on agriculture and the 
 useful arts. Everything went on so comfortably that people called it 
 the golden age, though there was not a guinea in the exchequer. 
 Saturn evidently shared in the general happiness, for he became father 
 of a centaur. The reformed worship of Saturn consisted in offerings 
 of little images, and the priest taking his hat off. Saturn was repre- 
 sented with a serpent in one hand tasting his tail, whilst he is 
 preparing to swallow a child, which he holds in the other. Eman- 
 cipated slaves dedicated then- fetters to him. It is thought that his 
 marriage at least was made in heaven (in nubibus), for there are the 
 rings to this clay, although the wearers are not mentioned with any 
 degree of certainty: and it is just probable that he was a fat single 
 gentleman of sanguine temperament, who cared 'little about the 
 calendar or marriage-certificates. 
 
 SCAPTESYLE, a town of Thrace abounding in gold-mines, where 
 Thucydides wrote his history. He chose a warm climate. 
 
 SCIRON, a celebrated thief of Attica, who was taken and executed; 
 but it is said that neither the earth nor the sea woidd receive his 
 bones, and they were suspended in the air. He was gibbetted? 
 
 101 
 
SEM 111AMIS, a queen of Assyria, and daughter of a goddess. She 
 was one of the earliest children in the wood, having heen dry-nursed 
 upon hrowu hread, and not blackberries. Semirarnis married, hut got 
 rid of the encumbrance by the commander-in-chief crying "hah es!" 
 Menones hanged himself, and his widow wived the soldier, who bore 
 the name of Ninus, and a very bad character. The queen soon pooh- 
 poohed his majesty; for, having given up the kingdom de facto, 
 she made a swap with him for that to come; and putting the body 
 out of the way of the coroner, people never heard a word about 
 de jure. Her queenship went on swimmingly, and made Babylon one 
 of the first of cities, and herself one of the first of widdies: she made 
 the grand tour, left a small largesse in all the poor-boxes, and rendered 
 roads passable that had been not even jackassable; established boards 
 of health, courts of sewers, and sanitary sink- traps. Semirarnis then 
 turned her thoughts to conquest, and played old Harry with the enemy. 
 She was once under the dominion of the hair-tongs, when an express 
 arrived stating that the Babylonians were rising; all uncurled as she 
 was and semi-nude, she threw her apron over her shoulders, spilt the 
 barber, called out the drums, and gave the raf. a remarkably good 
 hcldng. She died at C>2, and was changed into a dove; after having 
 carried many a coup, and done a good bit of billing — perhaps at five 
 per cent. 
 
 SESOSTRIS, a king of Egypt, who set out to conquer the world, 
 but the world happened to conquer him : old and blind, he " made a 
 suicide of himself," after playing Tom Noddy for four-and-forty years 
 as " the king of kings ! " 
 
 SETHON, a priest of Vulcan, who obtained the throne of Egypt, 
 and was delivered from a large army of Assyrians by a number of rats 
 having gnawed their bowstrings, and rendered them useless. Sethon 
 in gratitude erected a statue to the rats of all nations. He is repre- 
 sented holding a rat-trap, inscribed " Walk in : happy to see you ! " 
 
 SILENUS, a fat jolly old demi-( foolscap?) god, who lived and died 
 drunk: he was generally mounted on an ass, and was unwittingly 
 said to have suggested the centre of gravity, from his port and per- 
 petual tendency downward. The people of Elis accorded him divine 
 honours in consequence of his excellent assmanship. 
 
 SIMON, a currier (not worth a tanner) and collector of other men's 
 sayings and doings: he gave Socrates the preference, stealing his 
 brains to the extent of o3 dialogues, his own laudatory readings not 
 included. 
 
 SIPHNOS, one of the Cyclades, where Apollo claimed his tenth of 
 the gold-mines: the inhabitants would not pay him his claim, when he 
 shouted " They are all mines!" and grabbed them at once. The name 
 Cyclades is not to be taken punningly, as the women were uncommonly 
 healthy. 
 
 102 
 
S 
 
 SINON, a son of Sisyphus, who led Priam into the helief that the 
 Greeks had holted, and left their wooden palladium or monster horse 
 behind them. The Trojans swallowed the bit, and dragged the beast 
 into the city. A dreadful carnage ensued; for the horse being pro- 
 nounced lifeless, the body was opened, and out rushed a number of 
 armed Greeks, crying "Here we are!" completing in ten minutes 
 a ten years' catastrophe, including a grand display of fireworks, and the 
 shortest account of the Iliad ever published. 
 
 SIRENES, three sea-nymphs (all in a boat off Sicily) with such 
 melodious voices that people neglected their lawful callings to hear 
 them sing, and were particularly well cleaned out. Ceres in pique 
 changed them into birds (of prey?), which enabled them to feather 
 their nests ; and when the hat had gone round, they made themselves 
 wings, and flew away with their riches. Ulysses however quashed the 
 concern: he put cotton into the ears of his crew, and they treated the 
 syrens with contempt. This broke their hearts and voices at one 
 stroke, and they ended their days miserably in a Deaf and Dumb 
 Asylum. 
 
 SISAMNES, a bad judge, whom Cambyses flayed, and covered the 
 bench with his skin. The gentlemen of the law felt rather uncomfort- 
 able, but got their turn; for from that day to this they have had all 
 the skinning to themselves. 
 
 SISYPHUS, a crafty prince, and a petit maitre in priggism. He 
 turned clairvoyant, and astonished Autolycus, an uneducated fellow, 
 who kept an "heroic" fence. Autolycus stole Sissy's bulls, but Sissy 
 had marked them under the foot. The prince, being " cunning of 
 fence," was questioned as to his art, when lie immediately turned his 
 face to the wall, put on his "second-sight," and picked out from an 
 immense herd the very identical bulls. He fell into disgrace some- 
 where, and was condemned to roll a stone up a hill, and to see it roll 
 down again, for ever; but this "for ever" must have been apocryphal, 
 for the poet says " Sisyphus, thy stone stands still :" it is insinuated 
 that the stone never rolled at all, and that the affair was nothing more 
 perhaps than a gammock with the globe roulant. 
 
 SMINTHEUS, a name given to Apollo by the inhabitants of a place 
 in Phrygia, because he delivered them from a colony of rats. They 
 raised a temple, and dedicated it to the Dog Billy. 
 
 SOANES, a people near the Caucasus, who gathered their golden 
 sand in sheep-skins, and afterwards converted them into leggings with 
 extensive pockets : 
 
 " With the fleshy side out, and the woolly side in, 
 They're a warm pah- of breeches, said Tommy O'Linn." 
 
 103 
 
SOTADES, a metre-monger of Thrace, who was caged in lead and 
 thrown into the sea, for his obscenities. He invented riddles, puzzles, 
 and cross-readings, some of which were read backwards, and preserved 
 their (non)sense and rhyme: these has bleu fooleries were called after 
 their father. 
 
 SPHYNX, a sort of fish-flesh-and-fowl monster, who, with the face 
 of a handsome young woman, coaxed people to kiss her, and then 
 hocussed them for their impertinence. Having a tolerable knowledge 
 of herself she made riddles easily. The king of Thebes, wishing to 
 get her out of the way, offered his own sister Jocasta in marriage to 
 him who solved the "wonderful" guess about the number of legs 
 upon which the human animal moves in the course of his existence. 
 GEdipus found it out; and the enraged joker rocked herself into a 
 long sleep. CEdipus married Jocasta, his own mother, and had un- 
 wittingly killed his father. With a full persuasion that he had seen 
 quite enough, CEdipus pulled out his eyes, and was put into the hole : 
 (ante.) 
 
 STAIUS, a rich wretch in the time of Nero, who murdered all his 
 relations by his avarice and cruelty! 
 
 STENTOE, a Greek who fought at Troy, and gave the cause his 
 heart, and a voice said to be louder than that of fifty men together. 
 
 STEPHANUS, a very crotchetty musician of Media, upon whose 
 body Alexander burned as an experiment a quantity of bitumen called 
 naphtha, because he refused to play for him ; but the story is disbelieved. 
 Stephanus was of the tribe of Naphtha-lie ? 
 
 STRABO, a name given to all those people amongst the Eomans 
 who looked one way, when folks thought they were looking the other. 
 — A famous Cappadocian writer on geography bore this name; as 
 well as a Sicilian, so clear-sighted, that he could distinguish objects at 
 130 miles distance. These accomplished squints would have turned up 
 their noses at spectacles and sclerotica. 
 
 SUBURRA, a notorious rendezvous in Rome of the great Cffisar 
 when he was little. 
 
 SYNTHESIS, a figure of rhetoric, and the name of a scarlet coat 
 worn during the Saturnalia, which enjoined that people might wash 
 their faces before breakfast. 
 
 SYRINX, a nymph of Arcadia, and the beloved of Pan, who at her 
 own particular request was changed into a reed. The griffin whispered 
 a good deal of love-stuff in her ear, but she ran away. Pan waited his 
 time; and, forming a pipe of the beautiful reed, continued to play 
 with his vegetable Syrinx as long as his beard grew. 
 
€. 
 
 ANAQUIL, a very sharp woman, who made a back for 
 two of the Tarquins to filch the purple. She was a 
 capital embroideress ; and a pair of garters and a night- 
 cap, both from her own deal - fingers, for self and son-in- 
 law, were preserved as " relics divine." Tanaquil had a 
 temple dedicated to decayed Psyches, of which she was the sole 
 manageress. 
 
 TALETUM, a temple in Laconia, where horses were sacrificed, and 
 went the way of all cat's-meat. 
 
 TALUS, a mechanical genius, turned into a partridge without any 
 reasonable excuse, except perhaps a bad shooting-season. 
 
 TANAGRA, a town in Boeotia famous for fighting-cocks. The spur 
 was fixed to a sort of steel stocking or continuation; and hence cocks- 
 in-breeches. 
 
 TANTALUS, a king of Lydia and dog-clipper, who carried about 
 with him the imputation of having stolen Jupiter's tyke (Tinker), and 
 faked his brandy; moreover, with having manufactured the said animal 
 (a sfy-terrier) into mutton-tartlets, and placed them before the gods to 
 test their divinity. The fellow forgot the pepper and the pastilles; and 
 when the company called for Kian (cayenne), that gentleman's process 
 acted latently upon the very unseasonable seasoning, and brought out 
 the horrid fact that the whole set had narrowly escaped dry-rot. 
 
 TAPHLE, islands in the Ionian sea under the dominion of " ac- 
 quisitiveness," and a son and a nephew of Neptune. The Taphians 
 were regular long-shore men, and killed a whole royal family belonging 
 to Electryon. Electryon promised an illustrious lady and his sceptre 
 to any man of respectability who revenged the murders. Amphitryon 
 had a try on, worked it out, and switched the princess. 
 
 TAPEOBANE, an island in the Indian ocean, where the inhabitants 
 had two summers and two winters, which lasted all the year round! 
 The monarchy was elective in bachelors of all degrees; and an un- 
 popular ruler was generally got rid of by procuring an order of affili- 
 ation against him, with Is. Gd. a-month, and leave to kiss the " babby " 
 under protest, in lieu of a receipt. 
 
 TARAS, a son of Neptune, who built Tarentum (and Tara's-hall?) 
 
 TARENTUM, a town of Calabria, the inhabitants of which, indo- 
 lent and luxurious, after a long struggle, uncapped to the capitol. 
 Pythagoras, who resided here, tried hard to wean the people from 
 what were called the "delights of Tarentum." These were never 
 guessed; for the satirist says the conqueror's only spoils were St. 
 Bite-us and an empty exchequer. 
 
 105 
 
i! 
 
 T A 
 
 TARAXIPPUS, a deity worshipped at Elis, whose statue was placed 
 on race-courses, to protect the horses selected to run. It held a long 
 noose or running-rein in the left hand, inscribed " Nohhlers, beware !" 
 
 TARPA, the head of five small individuals who carried on an ex- 
 tensive business under the firm of " We Brothers." They guaged all 
 poetry intended for the temple of the Muses; — excised literature in the 
 lump ; — and allowed a draw-back on dramatic pieces sent for represen- 
 tation without the usual enclosure for consultation. We Brothers also 
 advised on cacoethes without cutting. 
 
 TARPEIA, a young lady, very fond of jewellery in general, and 
 bracelets in particular. She offered the gates of the citadel of Borne 
 to the Sabines for a price — their golden ornaments. The Sabine king 
 agreed; and, entering, threw his armlet (shield) as well as his bracelet 
 on Tarpeia, and killed her for her faithlessness. She gave name to 
 the Tarpeian rock, the Tyburn of " them days." 
 
 TARTABUS, a place with a low name, very dark indeed, and said to 
 be paved with good intentions: they might have been much better 
 employed. 
 
 TARTESSUS, a town near the columns of Hercules, and imagined 
 to be the place where the sun changed horses, in his celebrated match 
 against time, mentioned by the poets. 
 
 TELEMACHUS, a son of Ulysses and Penelope, and well known 
 in the scholastic circles. He was in his basket- bed when his father 
 listed in the Trojan army; and at the conclusion of that beautiful and 
 romantic struggle, young TeUymakhus, as his nurse called him, was 
 anxious to hear something about his papa. Now Ulysses was out 
 a-campaigning, and Penelope turned to her needle: she was very 
 lovely, and had a whole host of suitors in her train, but none of them 
 suited her; and in the end she nonsuited them all. They boarded and 
 lodged with her a long time, and never paid a brown to the butcher or 
 baker : even the poor laundress was sacrificed to an inordinate ambition 
 to sport clean dickies every other day — for gentlemen in love require a 
 considerable outlay in simulated collars en queue. Telemachus, how- 
 ever, soon bundled them out, and informed his mother that a good 
 man (his father) was coming, but she must wait a little longer: she did 
 wait, and went on sewing and sighing: (vid. Penelope). Telemachus 
 afterwards went to the island of M& (pronounced hee-haw.') married 
 the only daughter of Circe, and met with the fossil remains of an 
 enormous donkey, which he squeezed into his portmanteau, — not at all 
 liking the omen. In early life he fell overboard, and passed six weeks 
 with the dolphins : when he left his favourite Dol., she saluted him on 
 the forehead; and ever after, when he went into a passion and thought 
 of the dead donkey, the tail of his fishy first-love appeared on the 
 identical spot. 
 
 " This is one of the best of his very bad jokes, 
 For he lived and he died very like other folks." 
 
 106 
 
I 
 
 TELCHINES, a people who first raised statues to the gods. They 
 could take any form; mesmerize, poison, and produce a storm of rain or 
 hail at pleasure. They could not, however, behave themselves; and 
 having quizzed Venus, she fascinated them, and they committed the 
 grossest crimes. Having occasion for a firkin of small rain, they 
 ordered it of Jupiter: the god, mindful of the indignity offered to the 
 Beauty, informed them by return that he would make a very liberal 
 allowance if they took a quantity, and sent them a deluge as a sample. 
 TELESILLA, a lyric poetess of Argos, whose verses are lost; 
 although she is said to have furnished several fragments, which are 
 perhaps altogether suppositious, especially the unfinished lines on a 
 sleeping infant. 
 
 " A Rose had kissed the morning beam, 
 
 And owned the genial ray: 
 No sweeter flower by shade or stream 
 
 E'er wooed departing May ! 
 Still smiling, as the noon-tide heat 
 
 Exposed its gentle form 
 To every passing insect's greet 
 That braved the sultry stonn ! 
 A vagrant bee with wanton wing 
 The tender leaves oppressed : 
 And toiled, like many a meaner thing, 
 
 To wound the spotless breast ! 
 Th' insidious spoiler stored his thigh, 
 
 And plied the deadly smart- 
 All reckless of th' instinctive sigh, 
 
 That spoke the bleeding heart ! 
 
 To some, Life's a long summer's day; ^ 
 
 To some, a night of pain :— 
 The Bee retraced its flowery way — 
 
 The Rose ne'er smiled again ! 
 
 And lordly man, with treacherous art, 
 
 (Sweet Virtue's flowers beware!) 
 Can rob the unsuspecting heart, 
 And leave a canker there ! " 
 
 ,; My babe was asleep, and its delicate brow 
 
 Seemed touched with a prescient sorrow : 
 Like the firstling of Spring with its bosom of snow, 
 
 That shrinks from the storm of to-morrow ! 
 Her lip was yet warm with the vesper of love, 
 
 That "Father, good-night! " sweetly blended — 
 Its soul-thrilling music seemed echoed above, 
 
 As on Purity's wing it ascended! 
 
 And oh! might each moment, each new-coming day, 
 
 Shine on through one sabbath of light : — 
 Thy life, like thy slumbers, glide calmly away. 
 
 And thy death bring a sweeter good-night!" 
 
 107 
 
TELEPHUS, a sweet man, and a friend of Horace: he was greatly 
 admired by the softer sex (himself and co.)> and passed for an 
 exquisite dresser, inasmuch as a smart rascal of his day said, in 
 allusion to the recherche dinners given by Telephus, that the kitchen 
 boasted as fragrant a dresser as its master in his muskiest moments. 
 
 TEMPE, a beautiful valley in Thessaly, the paradise of small poets, 
 and visited by the gods during the season. There were many delight- 
 ful spots in the neighbourhood, which were called the Cream of the 
 Valley, as Cremorne is called the Cream of Little Chelsea. 
 
 TENES, a son of Cycnus, whose father cut him adrift in early life, 
 but was sorry for it. Cycnus went in search of his boy, who gave him 
 this for that, by cutting the cable of his father's vessel with a hatchet, 
 when he anchored at Tenedos. The hatchet of Tenes became pro- 
 verbial for soured or unsubdued resentment. The implement was 
 deposited in the temple of Delphi, with a portrait of the offender. 
 Some writers assert that the hatchet was a large- sized chopper, and 
 that it gave rise to a thin-visaged man being designated as having a 
 long-chopper or hatchet-face. 
 
 TERENTIA, the wife of Cicero, who forgot him when lie was far 
 away. She married twice afterwards, and was not at all sorry for it up 
 to her 103rd year. 
 
 TERENTIA LEX, the first law for putting a fixed duty on corn, to 
 avoid the sliding scales of the quaestors, who were in the habit of using 
 Troy (gold) weights. 
 
 TERMINUS, a divinity who presided over limits, and worshipped as 
 protecting the property of the people. Yearly processions, offerings of 
 kids, and libations of milk, took place; just as muffincaps armed with 
 long sticks beat dead walls most ferociously, and imbibe their ha'porth 
 of curds-and-whey — particularly curds. This is the only Terminus 
 known without a railway. 
 
 TERPANDER, a musician of Lesbos, who quelled a tumult by 
 playing on his lyre. The malcontents mizzled to a man ! 
 
 TERPSICHORE, one of the Muses, and the inventress of dancing. 
 She is represented dressed in very clear muslin, holding a musical in- 
 strument like a kit, and preparing to do the egg-hornpipe to her own 
 accompaniment. 
 
 TETHYS, the greatest of the sea-deities, and standing seven feet 
 higher than the Irish giant in his bluchei-s. She was mother of 3000 
 interesting creatures of all ages called Oceanides, who were christened 
 from bathing-machines in tallies of 50. 
 
 THAIS, a courtezan of Athens, who conquered the conqueror of the 
 world, and put him into a pin-basket. He burnt Persepolis with the 
 "lovely Thais by his side," who scented his 'kerchief during the con- 
 flagration! Miss T. married Ptolemy, king of Egypt. Menander has 
 embalmed her memory, though she never was a mummy. 
 
 108 
 
THALES, one of the wise men of Greece, who measured a pyramid 
 by its shadow, and did the same thing for marriage, as he never could 
 be persuaded to take the leap. He calculated the solar eclipse, and 
 made many marvellous discoveries in astronomy and authorship. 
 
 THALIA, the Muse of comedy, was represented leaning on a column, 
 with a mask in her hand, and dressed in a plain white frock made 
 rather high without tucks. 
 
 THAMYRAS, a conceited musician, who challenged the Muses to a 
 trial of skill. They broke his hurdy-gurdy about his ears, and made 
 him swallow the chips. 
 
 THASIUS, a soothsayer, who told Busiris he must sacrifice a foreigner 
 to allay the raging of a pestilence: the prophet happened to be alien, 
 and they served him up as an " awful sacrifice, and no puff:" — for they 
 knocked it out of him instanter. 
 
 THEAGENES, a powerful athlete, who was crowned above a thousand 
 times (1000 crowns), and became a god. It is not mentioned why so 
 large a sum was set on his head. 
 
 THEMISON, a physician of Laodicea, who founded a sect called 
 methodists (not Wesleyans), and established a sort of purgatory for 
 pulpit-quacks. 
 
 THEODORA, a woman taken from the pave, and made empress 
 to Justinian. Later empresses of the east were proud to be her 
 namesake. 
 
 THEODORES, an artist of Samos, and the first ironfounder: he 
 and his partner were called Hard and Soft Iron. 
 
 THEODOTA, a beautiful specimen of platonic muslin, much courted 
 by Socrates, and half-bred stoics. 
 
 THEOPHANE, a daughter of Bisaltus, who was so beset by suitors, 
 that Neptune told them to get out of the house and take their haricot, 
 forthwith turning the first favourite into a fine south-down. 
 
 THEOPHRASTUS, a disciple of Plato, and the son of a fuller. He 
 was a voluminous writer, and died in his 107th year, lamenting the 
 shortness of life whilst writing his own epitaph. 
 
 THEOPOMPUS, a comic poet, who wrote twenty-four plays, full of 
 fun : but " all, all is lost now ! " 
 
 THERSITES, a self-sufficient and disagreeable officer during the 
 Trojan war, very fond of laughing and ridiculing his fellows, and 
 children in arms. Achilles caught him at it, made him laugh on the 
 wrong side of his mouth, and extinguished him with a coup de tete. 
 
 THESPIS, a Greek poet, said to be the inventor of tragedy, which 
 he carried about in a tax-cart. His company consisted of two well- 
 raddled boobies and the manager, with one shirt between the three. 
 They had a hawker and pedlar's license, were frequently cried up by 
 the critics, but always cried down by the bell-man. 
 
 109 
 
TIMON, a man-hater and philosopher, who professed a liking for 
 Alcibiades, because he was one day to ruin his country. He had a 
 gallows-tree in his garden, and used to tout for grumble-gizzards, 
 crying " Athenians, if you love me, come in and be hanged ! " 
 
 TICO, a freed-man of Cicero, and greatly esteemed by his master. 
 He invented stenography, which, from the circumstance of his having 
 but one hand, was called short-hand writing. 
 
 TITHONUS, son of Laomedon, was so beautiful that Aurora fell in 
 love with him : he induced her to give him immortality, but forgot to 
 ask for unimpaired strength and vigour. He grew old and infirm; and, 
 as he could not die, his beauty availed him only to the extent of being 
 changed into a grashopper with a perpetual chirp. 
 
 TITYUS, a giant, who was dispatched " below," for anything but his 
 good manners. When stretched he covered nine acres of ground, and 
 the police had to make a stretcher on purpose. Though he died of 
 phthysis or the wasting disease, none of the churchyards would take 
 him in — because they couldn't. 
 
 TONGILLIUS, an avaricious lawyer, whom Juvenal calls a cost-lie 
 scoundrel. 
 
 TREBIA, one of the unfortunate rivers that fell into the Po. 
 TRITON, a deity represented as half man and half fish. The 
 " Golden Crock. " used to call Tritons his pet-gudgeons. 
 
 TROJA, the capital of Tros, or from Ilus, Ilion, situated near 
 Mount Ida, on the promontory of Sigaeum. The story of Troy has 
 been immortalized by Homer arid Virgil, originating in the abduction 
 of Helen by Paris, and terminating by old Troy being laid in ashes. 
 Greece swore to avenge the insult offered to the husband of Helen by 
 the Trojan prince, with Agamemnon at then- head. The king of Troy 
 was assisted by the states of Asia Minor, and 20,000 Assyrians and 
 Ethiopians. The army of the Greeks was visited by pestilence, but 
 they prosecuted their warlike operations prior to the siege with great 
 valour: the loss on both sides was immense. The siege was carried 
 on for ten years, when Troy fell by treachery or stratagem. The 
 Greeks feigned a retreat, and left a large machine or wooden horse, 
 behind them ; the Trojans drew it into the city, and were undeceived by 
 a host of armed men rushing out, and slaying all the inhabitants, and 
 sacking the city. A rather clumsy denouement for a great drama, deve- 
 loping the mightiest efforts of the human mind! The destruction of 
 Troy dates from the middle of June, eleven hundred years before the 
 Christian era. Alexander and Julius Csesar were anxious to resus- 
 citate the famous city ! they had both ridden the " high horse" in their 
 turn, (the wooden horse when infants '?) but could not rekindle the 
 spirit that struggled for victory on the plains of Ilium. 
 
 ?! 
 
 110 
 
ENUS was the goddess of beauty, the mother of love, 
 the queen of laughter, and the empress of everything 
 delightful. She was born of the sea, and wafted by a 
 zephyr to Cyprus. Venus, like all pretty women, soon 
 made friends, and was received at court, where the 
 gods admired her, and the goddesses did not exactly. Jupiter went on 
 the Abomilique track, but it wouldn't do; or at least he got her married 
 to Vulcan. She didn't care anything about the worker in iron, and took 
 up with a military notable named Mars, by whom she had a posse of 
 little brothers, who had a posse of little half-brothers and sisters : but 
 Cupid was the pet pro tern, and the eldest son of the general. She 
 however met Adonis, and left high places for the lower heights of 
 Ida. Venus had a magic-wove scarf, which influenced the heart, and 
 rendered even deformity beautiful. She whisked it over Vulcan, and 
 he forgot all her sweet little improprieties. She gained the golden 
 apple and golden opinions everywhere. Her worship was almost 
 universal; but, having a great aversion to pickled pork, pigs were 
 never offered as sacrifices. The rose was her favourite flower, — an 
 apple her choice fruit, though she loathed apple-sauce. Swans and 
 sparrows she protected, from a pleasurable recollection of the many 
 swan-hopping parties she had graced, and the delicious sparrow- 
 puddings she had partaken of from her own gun. Venus had a 
 thousand aliases, and a thousand elegances of figure and deportment : 
 
 " Grace was in all her stepa, 
 In her eye dignity and love ! " 
 
 She was the brightest jewel, the priceless Koh-i-noor, — the veritable 
 light of her own temple of Beaitty: — the pearl and paragon of the 
 Pantheon: — the voluptuous enthraller of Jupiters of all ages! — and the 
 inspirer and very incarnation of the immortal pas de quatre. 
 
 " Monarch ! Sun shall never set 
 Upon thy fame — Apollo yet 
 Will circle, though old Time forget 
 In very spite the pirouette 
 
 Of La Belle Taglioni! 
 Greet thee, G.! The Lords are yet 
 Secure from law a la Fayette: 
 But Thraldom has a mightier pet- 
 She comes ! — beware the pirouette 
 
 Of La Belle Taglioni! 
 Health, Lord J.! — The House has met, 
 To talk of turnpikes and the debt — 
 For all their tropes, and tare and tret, 
 Who 'd give one sterling pirouette 
 
 Of La Belle Taglioni? 
 
Bismillah, Bunn! where could you get 
 i Not west of London-bridge, I'll bet) 
 of Mn+s, hi-omen such a set — 
 Extinguish with one pirouette 
 
 Of La Belle Taglioni! 
 Beauty, Fashion, Etiquette, 
 Fishers of the golden net, 
 For hearts, not eyes, wouldst angle — let 
 Grace triumph in the pirouette 
 
 Of La Belle Taglioni! 
 
 VATINIUS, a crook-backed shoemaker, favourite of Nero, and a 
 regular right-and-left pump. They used to hob and-nob out of two old 
 drinking- cups, and everything worthless was thence called Vatiniana. 
 Vatinius voluntarily produced intoxication, in order to gratify Nero's 
 desire to witness a sight worthy such an emperor, — a snob in his cups ! 
 
 VE.JOVIS, a deity, supposed to be the same as the infant Jupiter 
 before he went into the thunder line : he is represented lying in a lit 
 or poverty-basket, with his wet-nurse standing oter him, singing the 
 cradle-hymn — to a peal on the coral-bells. 
 
 VENETI, a people of Cisalpine Gaul, and now cnlled Venetians. 
 Catgut, and the tenth Muse, never had a better friend than " beautiful 
 Venice, the bride of the sea." Though the great mart for toosey-moosey, 
 Venice was once so poor that she was said to have kept out the sea 
 with hurdles, (stopped the tide with pitch -forks '?) ; — had no wealth but 
 fish, and no merchandise but salt. This must have been before the 
 time of the Merchant of Venice, who went for flesh, not fish ; and 
 acknowledged no psalterie but the jingle of a florin. 
 
 VENTI (the Winds), were worshipped and very generally respected 
 by the Athenians. Eolus kept them in a sort of balloon, and fre- 
 quently gave them the bag (not the sack), and a return-ticket, when 
 they disported themselves according to their particular notions : but a 
 blow-up was generally the consequence. When they returned they 
 brought the bag with them, gave in then- accounts to prove they had 
 raised the wind honestly, got the promise of another holiday, and were 
 put to bed "where sleep the winds when it is calm!" 
 
 VERGELLUS, a small river near Cannae, over which Annibal made 
 a bridge of the slaughtered Romans, exclaiming to the soldiers " Stick 
 to 'em.'" which perhaps gave the first notion of Roman cement. 
 
 VERITAS, a deity, the daughter of Saturn, and mother of a lady 
 with a handsome title and face en suite. She was named Truth, 
 dressed all in white, and never told a he in her life, — though some 
 accuse her of lying with her husband. Veritas was a water-drinker, 
 passing a great deal of her leisure at the bottom of a well, for the 
 convenience of baring it fresh and fresh: hence the assumed difficulty 
 of getting at her, and the constant answer to inquiries "Well!" De- 
 mocritus savs Truth is always well. Let well alone ! 
 
 112 
 
VERONA, a town of Italy, and the birthplace of C. Nepos, 
 Catullus, and Pliny the younger; but it is not known which of the 
 three were the two gentlemen of Verona. 
 
 VERUS, a Roman emperor, and colleague of Aurelius, (very fast, 
 but not mentioned in the Fasti), who gained a triumph, and died of 
 apoplexy at 3!). He was a great patron of buffoons and buffers of 
 all grades. He gave dinners, one of which (a round dozen), cost 
 32,000/: the guests never drank twice out of the same cup, and 
 pocketed all they touched. He fed his horse with almonds and raisins, 
 clothed him in purple, and gave him a gold statue ! 
 
 VESPASIANUS, the only emperor of Rome who died a natural 
 deatb, or was succeeded by his own son. He was a sensible man; and 
 though once a horse-doctor, fell asleep while Nero was reading one of 
 bis own sonnets to him. Vespasian had a great horror of bear's- 
 grease, and discharged an unctuous apeling, with " Go, apprentice thee 
 to a barber: I had rather you smelt of garlick!" He likened his 
 ministers to sponges, absorbing all, and returning nothing except by 
 hard squeezing. He once met the premier and his budget with the 
 exclamation "My Wig!" (though he wore his own hair;) the minister 
 was wide awake, and bolted : but the outburst survives. 
 
 VESTA, an important goddess amongst the Romans, and considered 
 to avert the national calamities by the good or bad management of a 
 lamp which she carried: but, woe to the virgin entrusted with it if she 
 let the light out ! One of the priestesses fell asleep, though she had 
 taken a pinch of eye-snuff, — the wick was almost gone, and she was 
 punished for her wickedness. Pity she did not think of the metallic 
 wick; for that, like noseless people, requires no snuffing. Some 
 medals represent Vesta with a drum in one hand, and a stick in the 
 other, which is said to typify her biggest and noisiest boy, though 
 nobody knows why. 
 
 VICTORIA, a deity of the Romans, called by the Greeks Nice. 
 There is a Nicer: "but I don't mean to mention her name." The 
 goddess had a golden statue of great price : — the Queen has a living 
 monument that gold can never buy! 
 
 VIRGIL, the author of the immortal JEneid, was bom near Mantua, 
 and died in the 51st year of his age, B.C. 19. He gave the world the 
 most finished poem ever written, the Georgics, and gained for himself 
 the proud distinction of " Prince of the Latin Poets. " 
 
 VIRIPLACA, a deity who presided over the peace of families ; and 
 precious hard work she must have had of it ! 
 
 VIRTUS. All the Virtues were made deities amongst the Romans, 
 on the principle perhaps of making the most of everything. 
 
 VOLUMNIUS, a mimic, whom Brutus put to death by (for?) 
 gagging. 
 
vu 
 
 VOLSINIUM, a town of Etruria, the inhabitants of which num- 
 bered their years by fixing nails in the door of a certain temple. The 
 saying " dead as a door-nail," arose from the friends of the deceased 
 using a particular sort of nail to denote death. 
 
 VOLUMNUS, a deity, who presided over the Will, and was generally 
 invoked by newly-married people. To preserve decorum, in case of 
 division, the oracle generally made a split of it, touching the future, by 
 adjudging the man the power of " I will," and the lady that of " I shall." 
 This decision was considered quite satisfactory. 
 
 VOLUPTAS, the goddess of Sensuality, worshipped at Rome. She 
 was represented as young and beautiful, trussed and rouged a la mode, 
 covered with jewels, and seated on a throne, with Virtue for her 
 footstool ! 
 
 VULCANUS, a god, and the patron of workers in all sorts of 
 metal, was the son of his mother — no thanks to Jupiter, his accredited 
 father. This gentleman had the organ of self-esteem developed pretty 
 largely, and, simply willing it, gave Minerva to the celestial world, 
 formed of his own brains, and full-dressed; Juno dared him to do 
 ditto — but he hadn't stuff enough left ; when the queen snapped her 
 fingers, and father-and-mothered Vulcan at once. " Unborn" ages must 
 account for all this. Vulcan was plain and hard-working; and, having 
 sided with his mother in a loud talk with his father, the monarch kicked 
 him " downstairs :" the Lemnians caught him in a blanket, but he broke 
 his leg by the fall. He built a palace and a forge at Lemnos ; and made 
 a throne of gold with springs, for his mother, which held her fast, 
 because she continued to quarrel with the father of all the Smiths. 
 Bacchus however sent him railing to his parents, in order to a recon- 
 ciliation. Vulcan again turned to business, and made his own hammer- 
 men. He afterwards took a place near Box-ill, and turned out the 
 first woman (Pandora) : 
 
 " His 'prentice ban' he tried on man, 
 And then he made a lassie, ! " 
 
 He laid on a monster blowing-machine at Etna, forged the bolts of 
 Jove, and kept an eagle as a sort of errand-boy, to take them home 
 when finished. He also wrought the shield of Hercules, and a lady's 
 collar for Hermione. Vulcan was refused by Minerva, and married one 
 of the Graces; though Venus was his lawful wife, and he was the 
 father of Cupid : extremes meet ! The Smith was rather select in his 
 amours, as he did not combine the utile et dulce in person or manners ; 
 and the Olympians were merry upon his goodnature in nod-and-wink 
 affairs. He wore a cap rather Greek; and the Egyptians represented 
 him as a monkey. Revels were kept in his honour, somewhat after the 
 routine of Horn Fair. 
 
a. 
 
 LYSSES, a prince of Greece, succeeded his father on 
 the throne of Ithaca, and was one of the numerous 
 suitors of Helen, but married Penelope. Her father 
 wished him to espouse Helen, as to him was entrusted 
 the pact to support her choice, in case of insult. The 
 affair between Paris and Helen soon called the league into action; hut 
 Ulysses, not wishing to leave Penelope, feigned insanity by sowing a 
 field with salt instead of corn, and ploughing for it on the sea-shore. 
 The trick, however, was discovered; and Ulysses prepared for war. He 
 signalized himself by his sagacity, and contributed largely to the down- 
 fall of Troy. On his return to Greece he met with many misfortunes, 
 owing to contrary winds. He was cast amongst the Cyclops, and Poly- 
 phemus devoured his companions ; but Ulysses got away, by giving 
 him grog, and knocking his left eye out. He was next opposed to Circe; 
 but the business was arranged by a christening in honour of Telegonus. 
 He went to Calypso, ar >d staid seven years under the most engaging cir- 
 cumstances. He suffered another shipwreck or two ; and saved his 
 life by swimming ashore for the third time, arriving safely at Ithaca, 
 after an absence of twenty years, according to the Odyssey. A number 
 of hangers-on had long annoyed Penelope. Ulysses, in order to sur- 
 prise and suppress them, dressed himself as a beggar, and, securing 
 the assistance of his son Telemachus and Eumenes, put them out, 
 and enjoyed many years of peace with his virtuous Penelope. Ulysses 
 met his death by the hand of Telegonus, who had arrived at Ithaca to 
 make himself known to his father: he became destitute, and plundered 
 the inhabitants. Ulysses went against him, and was killed. 
 
 UMBEO, a Eoman with such a beautiful voice, that he sang a ser- 
 pent to sleep in " Slumber, my darling/" and cured the most venomous 
 bites with a pasticcio and a mustard-poultice. 
 
 UNX1A, a name of Juno, from the practice of anointing the 
 threshold or door-posts of newly -married couples : if they only occu- 
 pied a " two-pair," the grease was kept in the pot, and the door-posts 
 left to take their chance. 
 
 UKAGUS, one of the titles of Pluto, because he attended the last 
 moments of men's lives. Others think that he gained the name, from 
 bringing up the rear of an army, merely prefiguring the light company 
 or army of black actors who make up a "powerful cast" for the 
 "screaming" farce of the Merry Mourners! 
 
 URANIA, the ninth Muse, was conversant with affairs celestial. 
 She was good-looking and scientific, and everything called divine was 
 dedicated to her. Dr. Watts, however, did not accept the compliment, 
 either on the part of his Divine Songs, or his cloth. 
 
 115 
 
J, 
 
 ANTHUS, the name of one of Achilles' learned horses, 
 which, having been chidden hy his master, met the accu- 
 sation by a very decided neigh. 
 
 XANTIPPE, a model scold, and wife of Socrates, 
 who is said to have married her as a study in the art of 
 teazing made easy. His enthusiasm was somewhat damped by one day 
 receiving the slops just as he had dressed to dine out; but he merely 
 remarked "After thunder comes rain." " And, for once at least," retorted 
 the virago, elevating and swallowing a dram, and throwing the vessel at 
 his head — " lightning!" 
 
 XANTHICA, a festival observed by the Macedonians in honour of 
 the army. They sacrificed a dog, passed in review, and concluded 
 with a sham-fight. A brevet generally followed, but this entirely 
 depended upon the soldier-like way in which the devoted was dealt 
 with. 
 
 XENAGORAS, a philosopher, who measured the height of Olympus, 
 and refused to drink during the operation, which he called dry-measure. 
 
 XENOCRATES, a rough-hewn disciple of Plato, who made his way 
 by sticking to good hours and the mathematics. He preached an 
 eight-go man into a teetotaller ; and took a bet of 1000 to 20, that 
 Lais would tickle his philosophy out of him, and won. The tempter 
 made herself up for mischief, but the bird wouldn't sing, and she gave 
 it up : she called him a stone, — evidently a stone too much for her. 
 Xenocrates also mystified Philip, and his favorite boy Alexander : the 
 latter sent his officers to sup with him, and to leave 50 talents on the 
 mantel-piece. The Platonist put a baked sheep's-head (then called 
 mutton-chaps) on the table ; and at the conclusion of the repast said 
 " Take your money back, your master has more mouths to feed than I, 
 and wants all the talents he woidd leave with me." Not wishing, 
 however, to offend the monarch, he agreed that Alexander should pay 
 for the beer ! 
 
 XENOPHANES, a philosopher of Colophon, very crazed about 
 astronomy. He had a system of his own ; and imagined that the stars, 
 like gas-lamps, were lighted every night, and put out in the morning. 
 
 XERA, a town of Spain, afterwards Xeres, where the Moors 
 defeated Roderick the last of the Goths, and became masters of the 
 country. The terms " Golden Xeres," and "Pale Xeres" (sherry), were 
 applied respectively to the conqueror and the conquered. 
 
 ccuo'K 
 

 ENODORUS, a sculptor in the reign of Nero, who made 
 a colossus for the emperor, ami dedicated it to the 
 sun. Vespasian broke the head, and replaced it with 
 one of Apollo. This coloss gave name to a round of 
 miracles at Rome, and a huge lump of plaster in 
 another place. 
 
 ZEPHYRUM, a promontory near Cyprus, where Venus had a temple. 
 It was in this temple that Arsinoe had her hair cut, and offered it to 
 Venus for a locket. The scarf placed over her shoulders during the 
 operation was called a zephyr, and still graces the modern belle. 
 
 ZEPHYRUS, a young man of very delicate constitution, who wore 
 pink silk pettiloons, with wings on his shoulders. He was the patron of 
 stiif-muslin divinities throughout the Fooldom, before the introduction 
 of the cupola or crenoline. 
 
 ZEUXIS, a celebrated painter, whose pictures of Jupiter, Venus, <fcc. 
 have been pronounced inimitable both by himself and contemporaries ; 
 but he over- painted, if not over-rated himself. The birds picked his 
 grapes, but the man carrying them failed to scare the pilferers. He 
 is said to have died in a phrenzy of delight, on looking at the figure of 
 an old woman which he had sketched. Zeuxis felt perhaps that he 
 had obtained the beatitude of Art, and died happy. 
 
 " So when high Art her magic pencil dips 
 
 In dews that die not — and the canvas glows 
 With Rosa's fire, or Raphael's angel-lips ; — 
 
 Or Rembrandt o'er the mimic midnight throws 
 A deeper gloom ; — Claude cheer, or Titian warm : — 
 Truth lends a light herself might e'en disarm ! " 
 
 The master-spirit fell from the intensity of his own genius ! 
 
 After all, the standard of Excellence, or of Beauty, is perhaps 
 like the standard in Cornhill — nobody knows where to look for it. 
 
 "Art has no country ! Genius' handmaid still, 
 Shrinks like the trembling leaf, if Slavery breathe 
 
 Its atmosphere, to blight the votive wreath ! — 
 But finds a home, where Freedom shall fulfil 
 
 Her destiny — and Brunswick's gentle sway 
 
 To Britain give Augustus' golden day! " 
 
 117 
 
&c. 
 
 to. 
 
 There were five celestial gods and six goddesses, some of whom, the 
 ladies in particular, have not received all the consideration that is due 
 to them ; but the fault is perhaps with themselves— speak nothing ill 
 of the dead! One or two exceptions are made, as courtesy to high 
 station, and gallantly at least, prescribe, — the most exalted lady in 
 nubibus, and the most illustrious beauty in nubibus, or anywhere else. 
 Other notables will be noticed, in words of one or two, or more sylla- 
 bles, before the curtain is drawn. — Juno, as you know, and not a few 
 know, was a native of Samos, a wife, and the mother of two strapping 
 boys and a beautiful girl. Her intimacy with Jupiter was rather sud- 
 den, her courtship short, and her marriage by license. The father 
 could rule everything but his own children, yet never applied for a rule to 
 shew cause. Juno had a splendid establishment, and no end of plate. 
 She rode in an ivory shandrydan (with patent noiseless wheels), drawn 
 by peacocks in silken harness with gold furniture, and so well trained 
 that they were never known to swallow a bit; when in action they could 
 beat irhikin, and their shining hundred-eyed tails served at once for 
 lights and an illuminated splash-board. When dressed, she always 
 wore clouded silk — bombazin was common; and one tidy-woman was 
 considered ample for the wardrobe, which was managed with the 
 strictest attention to economy. In short, she was a pattern for all 
 succeeding Junos : but nothing of the kind has ever been attempted.— 
 [We have not a second word for Jupiter: in fact, what could be said for 
 a god or a man (a god certainly, for he could not be a man), who, in 
 possession of such a woman, never sent his little boys to school; — 
 never paid his tailor, nor his taxes ; — and, ruthless tyrant as he was, 
 demanded, and actually obtained a latch-key !— Apropos of Mercury, 
 his own son, twopenny-postman to the concern, and originator of the 
 first milk-walk ( now called the milky-way). He was accused of various 
 thefts, and traced to a celebrated optician's, where he had concealed 
 himself in a bran-new Fahrenheit. Being hotly pursued, in the dog- 
 days, the inspector fell ill ; and, calling in advice, (let it not be told in 
 Calomelia !) found that he had actually swallowed the prisoner in a blue- 
 piU!] — Venus was born in a coral-bed, rose from the sea, and landed in 
 a sunbeam on the island of Cyprus. She was not at all proud of her 
 
descent: though her mother was suzerain of the Green Isle, and several 
 islets not quite so green, Venus determined never to go to sea again. 
 She soon made a higher step in the world, and started hy the Rainbow 
 (one inside) for the seat of Jupiter, then in Airshire. She got to 
 court, and in less than a fortnight the governor mystified her a la 
 Shottische, according to the nte-brick, who, it is said, upon this oc- 
 casion only during a jolly life condescended to feel ashamed of himself. 
 Venus, like a pretty penitent, counted her beads, and got married! 
 But she had her pets, and was decidedly military in her tastes, even \ 
 to the dashing her nectar with gunpowder; and the way in which she 
 carried the matrimonial question of the "drumstick," was another 
 instance of her preference of the marshal (Mars) to can on -law. She 
 dined only once a-day, and took her ambrosia homceopathically from 
 a magnificent scran-bag: she did not fancy fish, and never could be 
 persuaded to swallow a dinner-pill, not even a Cockle, during her 
 brilliant career. Venus was jealous — as a handsome woman who ad- 
 mires a handsome man always is, and vice versa. Mars made first-rate 
 heroics, and Venus winked one eye; the silly god, determined to be 
 liberal, winked both ! Venus pouted when she found he had not got his 
 lesson, and vanished like a star- shot. Mars flew after her (soldiers 
 never run), and accused her of going off at half-cock. Oh, the dellces 
 of such happy moments ! There stands the archer-boy, the only extem- 
 porized toxopholite that never missed his aim but once, and that was 
 at a "little go" for gingerbread-nuts. Disgusted at the chit, Venus 
 instantly left Olympus by the down-train; and arrived in time for a 
 few days' dear-stalking with Adonis, and a tete-a-tete with Anchises, 
 who entranced her with a reading from Zimmerman. She contested 
 the palm of Beauty, bore it away in triumph, and blest Paris with 
 Helen — a reflex of her incomparable self. She possessed the magic 
 girdle, that conferred grace and beauty, and a happy obliviousness of 
 unhusbanded errors. There she is — the undying Anadyomene — shed- 
 ding light and life on all quarters of the globe which she encompassed! 
 Her bright and flowing hair, formed into a silken coronal laced with 
 pearls, wanders negligently adown and about her snowy neck, and is 
 surmounted by a gem — a perfect sea of light, reflecting features fault- 
 lessly feminine, — a lip that could glorify even the sin of insincerity; 
 and an eye that might uncalendar a saint ! 
 
 It was the rambling fashion of the above sentences that gave rise 
 to the notion of doing what is here set down. A little gentle badinage 
 does us all good — there is nobody to be offended, but perhaps a great 
 
 119 
 
&c. 
 
 number to be pleased : and a parting jingle may not lessen tbe value 
 l\V of the attempt. 
 
 I I '11 sing you a song of the gods and the goddesses, 
 
 All in their praise : 
 And though a mere novice in bloomers or hoddiees, 
 I will not miss stays ! 
 
 There 's fine old Jew Peter 
 
 Will come to my metre: 
 There 's Mars who will get up a beautiful fight. 
 
 I think I and Venus 
 
 Could make love between us, 
 While dear little Cupid looked on with delight! 
 
 Diana the splendid, 
 
 When daylight is ended, 
 Gets up her pure light, and the moon then prevails: 
 
 And Juno, the beauty, 
 
 Lets peacocks off duty, 
 With ten thousand eyes in their beautiful tails. 
 
 Minerva, more wise 
 
 Than the stars in the skies, 
 Sets all the grand heads of the people a-thinking : 
 
 While Bacchus gets up, 
 
 Shouting out " Take a cup ! " 
 And make up your mind to a fine day of drinking. 
 
 Young Mercury, dash ! 
 
 like the lightning's flash, 
 Does smart railway-work on his telegraph wings ! 
 
 While no one can carp 
 
 At Apollo's bright harp, 
 And isn't it heavenly too when he sings? 
 
 There's Pan ; and there's Pluto, 
 
 A very great brute, O ! 
 Takes people where you would not much like to go : 
 
 With at least a long score, 
 
 (Whom to name were a bore), 
 Gents, and gentesses rare in their own Rotten-row ! 
 
 FIN 
 
&*&* USE 
 
 1 
 
 B~ V *X TO DE Jkp? Y 
 
 — « uue on the la*, j °«-3405 
 
 
 <^4?55a25 
 
 General Library 
 iversity of California 
 Berkeley 
 
 Univi 
 
 General 
 
 Libr 
 
 ersity c 
 
 Berkeley"" ""'*